From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Are you confused about joining Uncyclopedia? Do all of your friends keep making references to Oscar Wilde, Soviet Russia and Grues, and you have no idea why? Well, if you have chosen this book, then you have taken the first step to becoming a well-rounded member of the Uncyclopedian community. We will go into the very heart of Uncyclopedia, to find out just how you too, can become part of this eliteteam of amazing people called Uncyclopedia.

Contents

Chapter 1: Making an Account

Before you become an Uncyclopedian, you must make a couple anonymous edits to Uncyclopedia. The most productive way to do this is to blank pages, which makes you feel powerful because you think it's the same as deleting them. Pages you can blank include:

Tip

Before creating a User name, make sure to blank at least five featured articles consecutively. That'll get you noticed for sure.

You can also download images of porn, make tasteless comments on talk pages, and write sentence-long articles about the relative sizes of you and your friends' wangs. More information on that later, for now, you need a User name.

Joining the Community

To join Uncyclopedia, first create an account. This can be done here. Deciding a User name can be a difficult and arduous process. Many a n00b have died from starvation and fatigue whilst trying to decide a User name in front of the computer monitor for days at a time, so make sure you bring some food, water and toilet paper, and you might want to take a blanket--it could get cold in your basement.

Now, what you should keep in mind when deciding your User name is that this is not Wikipedia. Using your real name as a User name will not garner respect from your peers, it will only get you a thorough ass-whooping, courtesy of our very own UncyclopediaBanningSquad, who make sure the waters of Uncyclopedia are clear of any unwanted n00bs. Also, feel completely free to use the name of a famous celebrity or other TV personality; this isn't Wikipedia, you know. Of course, realize that no one will believe you are said celebrity, and it will most likely result in complete and total burnination.

?

Did you know...

that 45% of users don't make any edits beyond their user page?

One more tip: try adding a random number at the end of your user name. The best User names are random, stupid, seven--fifteen words long, and include a number between 20 and 89.

Your User Page

Now that you have a User Name, probably something like HuffingGrue69, you can start building up your User Page. First thing you should do is pick out some nice Userboxes that describe you[1]. This page shows roughly 3% of the Userboxes in Uncyclopedia, since no one can be bothered to add their useless shit to anything. The remaining 97% you will have to steal from other people's User pages, right in line Uncyclopedia. Most importantly, your user boxes should be scattered around haphazardly throughout your User Page with no set order at all. Next, recall any languages of which you speak.

Tip

Remember when picking out Babel templates: if you can say "Hello" and "Thank you" in a language, it means you have an intermediate understanding of it.

Browse through Uncyclopedia:Babel and afterwards, simply add every language you find to your User Page, making them level X. Why? Because you're a sexy beast, and specimens of the opposite gender from all across the cosmos adore you, that's why. One more tip: unless you specify otherwise in your User Boxes, you will be assumed to be an atheist, male, homosexual and live in your parents basement by default.

Finding your niche

The Uncyclopedian hierarchy is a rigid caste system that has survived through hundreds of years of political revolution and works well to this day. From highest to lowest rank, it goes as follows:

Don't forget, you can never have too many cliche inside jokes. So use them with extreme liberty. And remember: Soylent green is people too.

When editing Uncyclopedia, try to be stupid and not just funny. Sure, the admins tell you the opposite, but that is only because they wish to keep power for themselves. And the best way to be stupid and not just funny is to make lots of vanity articles. What is vanity? Only the stupidest, least funny humor you can imagine (which is a good thing)! And it's real easy, too. Just think of an inside joke you exchange with your little posse, and write a paragraph-long article on it. Then, when it's crushed unmercifully, feel disappointed and surprised at this "injustice." Afterwards, continue bringing back the article after it has been deleted, ignoring the countless warnings on your Talk page, and don't stop until you have been banned.

Alright, by now, you should have created at least one vanity article that hasn't been properly destroyed by the admins. Now all you have to do is spam it. Here are some quick and easy ways to spam your article:

Images

Comparing...

MS Paint & Photoshop

MS: sucksShop: sucks if you're a n00b.
Shop: has all these cool options for adding shading, altering, and combining picturesMS: makes rectangles

Conclusion: use GIMP.

Images can help make a good article better. Unfortunately, all your articles suck, so you're gonna have to rely completely on images. Better get this right, then. Uploading an image is real easy, and fun! First, find an image that makes you laugh, or shows a human phallus. Good. Now use Photoshop to render the image absolutely useless. Or even better, you can thoroughly screw the image over by using MS Paint. That's right, now you've got the hang of this. Don't forget: when saving bitmap images, convert them to .JPG, that way they come out really blurry and amateur-looking. But it's alright, because you're a n00b, and that's what's expected of you.

All you have to do now is upload the image. Go to Special:Upload, click Browse, and download your little piece of shite to Uncyclopedia's overcrowded image repository. And when your picture is deleted, don't take it off of the page you added it to, just leave it there to float as an ugly red link.

Templates

Templates are these little pieces of raw code--yes, like in the Matrix--that you can stick inside pages to mess up their formatting. Here's an example of an average template:

If you're reading this...you're a fag-noob. Go away and listen to your neo-Nazi emo propaganda as you slit your wrists while fucking a blow-up doll of Lance Bass, you fag-noob.

Distributing templates is very simple: never use templates that you didn't create. Instead, when you require a particular standardized piece of text, make your own template instead of checking to see if it already exists. Then, simply place it on every article you find. Even better, make it so the template links to one of your articles. And if you can, try to make it reeeaaally ugly.

Tip

When creating templates, make sure they're ugly and useless. Otherwise, they might actually serve a purpose.

A red background with a yellow border and blue letters works wonders, and try to include a picture of human phallus. Remember, you can never go wrong with phallus.

Moving & Redirecting

"Moving" is just a fancy name for renaming a page. You have to be a registered user to do that, so we're good here. As soon as you become a member, the first thing you should do is move your own User Page to something stupid that has nothing to do with your original user name. That way, no one can ever find it (unless you spam it, but who fucking spams their User Page, faggot?) and your true identity can be kept secret.

Within the Uncyclopedia admin hierarchy, double redirects & detrimental page moves fall under the jurisdiction of Garleghorse, King of Banning.

Now, with regard to actual articles, you shouldn't move one unless there's a redirect that links to it, otherwise, you won't achieve the desired double redirect. Double redirects must be cleaned up by sysops, who are basically like the janitors of this place, only some of them have the power to hurt you. And if you cause enough double redirects, you might just get banned; so if it doesn't work once, keep trying. Also, when moving a page, make sure the new name is something completely irrelevant and confusing.

Chapter 3: Discussions

Uncyclopedia is a community. That means in order to grow and improve, we take full use of forums, talk pages, and all our communication resources. In this section, you will learn the fundamental principles of Uncyclopedia's vast system of communication. Hell, maybe you will actually learn something this time. Or maybe you'll just sit there staring blankly at your screen not taking in a word of what you read. Either way, you're gonna get fed THE TRUTH.

A Quick Guide toUnNews

UnNews is Uncyclopedia's source
for up-to-the-microsecond
misinformation. If you want
to start reporting, you better
learn the trade secrets, and
Uncyclopedia for Dummies ® is
here to help you:

the same style as a
regular Uncyclopedia article.
Trust me, those guys love that.

Never include the date,

sources, time, or locations
in your stories. Someloser will do it later.

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Did you know...

91% of discussion pages, including forums, will have a mention of Hitler or Nazis?

Talk Pages & Forums

Talk pages are safe havens contained within every article of Uncyclopedia where all, from the n00biest to the most powerful admins, can converse. They also make the related article seem somehow more important or worthy of discussion. At least, that's what they should be like, but most Talk pages are like this one: Talk:Incompleteness Theorem.
Navigating your way through these immense pillars of verbal fortitude can seem difficult for new users, but as always, the For Dummies series is here to make you feel like an ignorant moron once again.

Now, when you come across an article and you have somehting to say about it,but you notice the link to its talk page is red, leave it alone. Obviously, if no one wants to touch it, there must be something wrong with the page. I hear there's a leprosy epidemic going around...hmmm...damn lepers. Anyways, you need to arm yourself--with knowledge. Find an article that already has a talk page, and TALK! DO, YOU, SPEAK-TALK?!

Tip

If a discussion makes you feel uncomfortable, leave. There's no reason you should stay, when pussies are obviously unwanted.

But what do you say? Well, consider the following:

Do you have a bone to pick with the article's content?

Do you have an idea on how to improve the article that will eventually be discarded?

Are you bored with nothing to do?

Do you have something to say to the writer, but you want to humiliate them in front of their peers instead of mentioning it on their talk page?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you're a fucking commie. If you answered no, then go suck a dick, commie.

I'm sorry, the above comments were excessively rude. But that's what your going to see at any given time in any given discussion, so be ready. Can't find a good come-back? Try looking here: Incompleteness Theorem, Yo momma. The important thing to remember on discussion pages is: be as non-condusive as possible, while still maintaining crass, sarcastic comments. That is Buddha's path to enlightenment.[2]

User Talk Pages

Same goes here as in regular discussion pages, except your comments must be much more subtly rude. For example, as you would say in a regular talk page:

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A GOOD BOY AND DIE??!?[3]
...should be rephrased:

I THINK SOMEONE WANTS YOU DEAD.
Do you see, do you see the subtleness? No? Look again. Now do you got it? Okay, then, let's continue. Also, never sign your posts, because the User has absolutely no way of knowing who has edited the page, so it keeps your identity hidden.

Chatroom

In the #uncyclopedia channel, the same rules of <cough>etiquette</cough> apply as in discussions: be rude and relentless with regard to your comments. To get to the irc, you must travel to distant lands. Once you are there, it's time to be a total dick once more. Keep the following rules in mind:

Tip

The IRC is a great place for spamming your articles. In real-time.

Make sure your login name in no possible way reflects your actual user name.

If you are a n00b--and you are--it is your duty to disrupt the channel and ask stupid n00b questions.

Make as many phallic jokes and 8=====D[4] symbols as possible given the short amount of time until your unmerciful banning.

Voting

As an Uncyclopedian, you are only granted one right, only ONE right: the right to vote. Unless you're a woman, a Negro, or own no land. Ha ha ha, historical humor! It's great, isn't it?! No?...I'm sorry. Anyways, just be glad you don't have to use a butterfly ballot like those poor doomedFloridians or else we'd probably have some sad loser as our president. Here are the best places to vote (don't ask what they stand for):

When voting for an article, never actually read past the first two paragraphs of it, just base your vote on whether you like the beginning or not. Also, don't provide a reason for your vote, but if you do, make sure there's either a blind praise or a scorching insult somewhere in there. Same goes for VFP, except there, you must vote Against by default.

Also, when voting for Writer/Uncyclopedian/n00b/Useless Gobshite/Idiot/Moron/Frivolous Waste of Human Skin/Piece of Shit/Cocksucker/Deathmonger/Paris Hilton/Boy-toy of the Month, never vote against, for you will instantly be pelted with soggy nuggets by the candidate's supporters.

Tip

Always vote against an article on VFD; it's not like it'll survive anyways. Might as well put it out of its misery.

Instead, just erase one of the voter's entries and hope no one notices. It works roughly 6% of the time, and greatly influenced the Uncyclopedian of the Month election for June 2006.

Signatures

A signature (or "sig" for short) is a little eye-sore placed at the end of a comment or vote (remember, though: never sign your comments) designed to give the reader epilepsy. Making your own personal sig is easy and fun, so let's try it out. First, you must create a user subpage to place your sig on. You can do this on your own subpage, but if you really wanna be a dick, you should place it on another User's. Now, when making your sig, make sure to make it as aesthetically displeasing as possible. And remember: keep it confusing--the name on your sig should relate in no possible way to your actual user name, or else people might not get "the joke." Other things to include in your signature are:

An image either of the flag of your country of origin or some other disturbing symbol that'll force people like me to vandalise it. And make sure it takes up at least three lines of text, and if possible, does some sort of movement or seizure-inducing flashing.

The colors on your sig should clash horribly. As mentioned, you can't go wrong with blue against red and yellow, and throw in the most repugnant shade of green you can find.

You should add a five-ten word epithet at the end of your name, such as FarnieBarney the Amazingly Invincible and Pwner of n00bs, when clearly neither are you invincible, amazing, nor do you pwn n00bs. Only admins pwn n00bs. Fucktard...

You should include a list of every award you have ever been given and make up little acronyms for them like SEXY or MUN or just label CUNT right on there, it'll look just peachy.

Place a little phrase of your choice at the end like Uncyclopedia is filled with win and stuff or This space for rent. Why? Because you're a filthy crack-snorting sig whore.

Put links to your talk page, User page, and all your gay little subpages, and--hey!, while you're at it, why not spam that article one more time?

The thing to remember is: try to make your sig as long and ugly and as hideous as possible. So, when you're done, your signature should look somewhat similar to this:

Other Fun Stuff

There are tons of other things you can do at Uncyclopedia than just write articles, spam your creations, and be an asshole! Here are some great ideas:

Vandalism

Whenever you have the time, try logging out as an IP and go crazy. Blank as many pages as possible, redirect articles to Nihilism, and upload pictures of phalii to place on featured articles. And better yet: your reputation won't be ruined!

Making Sock Puppets

Tip

Make sure to feed your sock puppet every couple days, and don't forget to brush its coat.

Sock puppets are simply alternate accounts Uncyclopedians use to have extra votes, talk with themselves, or because they're bored. You can have as many sock puppets as you want, but after the fourth or fifth, it gets difficult to care for them. As with your original User name, bring provisions when trying to decide your sock puppet's name, as it might take a while. And beware of SPCS, Sock Puppet-Control Syndrome. This rare tropical disease causes a user to forget their original user name and only use their sock puppet, thereby unleashing a chain of edits that will freeze their first account and render them comatose. I've seen it before...And with enough love, support, and training, you can enter your alternate ego in one of Uncyclopedia's hallowed Sock Puppet Tournaments, where sock puppets from all around the world battle to the death for amazing prizes and respect.

Writing Contests

Remember Buddha's path to enlightenment: be stupid and not just funny.

Boring writing contests like these should be ignored whenever possible. They will only lead you down the road to "funniness". Remember, we're trying to be stupid and not just funny, understand? Why? Because that's what Buddha would've wanted, okay!?