A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on
himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on
the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more
pleasure than his wife does.

But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the
instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not
find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the
farmer decides to call the customer hotline.

''Hello, I just bought a cow milking machine from your company, it works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'' "Don't worry
sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release
automatically once it has collected two litres!"

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest
of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look
like?”The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on
himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on
the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more
pleasure than his wife does.

But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the
instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not
find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the
farmer decides to call the customer hotline.

''Hello, I just bought a cow milking machine from your company, it works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'' "Don't worry
sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release
automatically once it has collected two litres!"

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years thewife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him of this habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft,wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,'

She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

In D.C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is
in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and
sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my
gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help
the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and
in no time they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world
leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew
I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle
down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
some incredible dealings there and was awarded a
batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the
owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth
are you selling him so cheap?"

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

*****************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
***************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
*******************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.
******************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
*****************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.