46

93

49.9

44.7

46.7

.337

.355

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Supposedly 14,869 people attended a September day game between the Twins and Astros. If that’s true, I’ll eat all 1,869 of them.

2

52

86

55.6

50.9

51.7

.381

.362

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

The Marlins are last in home runs, last in hits, last in batting average, last in on-base percentage, and last in runs scored. There was a joke here somewhere but now I just feel bad.

3

63

77

57.0

55.9

57.9

.417

.398

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Take the first letter of the last name from each player in last night’s Phillies lineup and it spells “Hrurrambh” which, I think, sums up their season quite well.

4

63

76

58.5

62.8

62.0

.443

.463

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

It was Taijuan Walker day in Seattle which I assume was celebrated by tying one on while walking and not watching the Mariners. Most of that was a joke.

5

62

77

58.8

59.6

60.1

.433

.413

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Moving the fences in at Petco Park has sure helped the Padres. Last year they were 23rd in runs scored, but this year they’re 26th! Wait, is that really in the script?

6

56

82

59.9

60.0

59.4

.426

.446

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

If Adam Dunn retires, the White Sox comment will go blank for an entire season in memorium. Or until my editor calls me and demands I stop submitting 29 comments for a 30-comment column.

7

61

77

59.9

62.2

62.2

.444

.464

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Twins starting left fielder Darin Mastroianni has more letters in his name than hits on the season. Times two.

8

62

77

60.9

65.4

66.2

.458

.438

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Pablo Sandoval’s three homers are like a professor giving you that recommendation two days after you already got turned down for the job.

9

60

79

62.6

64.9

66.5

.457

.437

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Khris Davis homered. This season people named “C/Khris Davis” have hit 56 homers, more than any other name.

10

59

80

63.6

66.6

66.4

.460

.440

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Getting Daniel Bard was a low-cost, no-risk way to add terrible to the 40-man roster without having to give up any terrible in return.

11

64

76

65.1

63.0

65.1

.459

.479

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Now that Jose Bautista has been shut down for the season, what will the Blue Jays do? Correct answer: continue finishing in last place.

12

63

75

65.4

63.8

63.4

.463

.443

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

The Mets catcher has an apostrophe in his last name. That is literally the most interesting Mets-related thing I could find.

13

64

74

66.6

68.4

67.5

.483

.503

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Now that the Angels can legally drop “of Anaheim” from their name, they’re taking suggestions. So, how does “the Los Angeles Angels of Cheese” sound?

14

71

68

67.9

69.4

68.5

.498

.478

0.0%

1.7%

1.7%

0.3%

-2.4%

What do the Nats need? More Zimmermenn!

15

66

75

68.8

68.4

65.5

.476

.457

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

What did Josh Outman do? He got an out, man.

16

70

68

69.1

67.8

67.8

.498

.478

0.0%

0.6%

0.6%

0.3%

-2.2%

After Willie Bloomquist scored the winning run, the Diamondbacks dumped gum on his head. This is a clear escalation of the celebration rules. I fear for the children!

17

75

64

70.2

63.5

64.7

.492

.512

0.1%

10.5%

10.6%

0.1%

6.9%

Normally the Yankees would erect a statue of Derek Jeter, but since Derek Jeter himself is already fulfilling that role...

18

74

65

72.5

71.0

72.7

.522

.542

0.5%

12.8%

13.3%

1.2%

-6.1%

The Indians brought a live chicken with them to batting practice. One of their announcers commented that that was what the team was all about. I don’t even know anymore.

19

73

65

73.1

70.3

71.7

.522

.542

0.1%

5.6%

5.7%

-4.1%

-3.1%

Adam Jones is one homer away from 30, one RBI away from 100, and one walk away from 20.

20

77

61

73.9

81.4

82.0

.570

.589

4.3%

74.6%

79.0%

4.2%

-10.5%

If the Rays don’t make the playoffs, Joe Maddon may just move his furniture to one corner of the living room, crouch in the corner and wait.

21

72

67

74.4

66.5

67.0

.503

.523

0.1%

0.7%

0.8%

-0.4%

-0.1%

If the Royals lose out they can still lose 90 games and leave the requisite bad taste in their fans mouths. Come on, Royals!

22

81

58

76.1

78.4

79.2

.566

.546

46.0%

53.8%

99.9%

-0.1%

1.1%

Justin Morneau is hitting .462/.588/.538 since coming to Pittsburgh. I’m sorry but I’m going to ruin your morning coffee and call that unsustainable.

23

83

56

77.8

80.7

78.5

.575

.556

100.0%

0.0%

100.0%

0.0%

0.4%

Tired of winning, the Dodgers have taken on a new challenge: losing! Last night they won! By which I mean they lost!

24

80

59

78.3

77.7

76.5

.562

.582

48.6%

46.0%

94.6%

-2.4%

-2.3%

I’m not sure what’s more impressive, that A.J. Pierzynski has posted an on-base percentage above .340 once in 16 major league seasons, or that I spelled his name correctly on the first try.

25

80

59

78.4

77.6

76.2

.562

.581

51.4%

45.4%

96.8%

1.2%

12.6%

If the A’s want a new stadium and this San Jose thing isn’t working out, might I say they’re doing amazing things with paper mache these days.

26

78

62

80.8

81.8

82.0

.576

.556

13.0%

85.0%

98.0%

-0.8%

2.6%

In any 16-inning game you’re going to get some awful lines, but it’s hard to beat Joey Votto’s 0-for-7 with three strikeouts and – cherry on top! -- an error in the field.

27

80

59

84.0

79.0

78.6

.578

.559

41.0%

58.8%

99.8%

0.3%

0.5%

Cardinals season summed up in five words: injury replacement hits two homers

28

85

54

84.8

84.6

81.6

.604

.585

100.0%

0.0%

100.0%

0.0%

0.0%

The Braves are pretty good but baseball is a delicate soup where one off flavor can ruin everything else done perfectly. Speaking of, Kameron Loe’s five runs, three walks, two homers allowed, and no strikeouts in 4 1/3 innings say hi.

29

81

59

85.5

92.4

92.0

.627

.645

99.4%

0.3%

99.7%

-0.2%

1.0%

Every Tigers pitcher last night gave up A) at least one home run, B) more runs than innings pitched, and in two of four cases, C) more runs than batters faced.

30

84

57

86.2

85.4

84.9

.604

.623

95.4%

4.1%

99.6%

0.3%

1.6%

In last night’s game against the Tigers the Red Sox scored 20 runs. In six previous games against the TIgers, the Red Sox had scored 23.