Toast of the Week: Soccer Justice

U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch Takes Down A Corrupt FIFA With A Scissor Kick

There’s a new sheriff in town, and her name is Loretta Lynch. The recently appointed U.S. attorney general survived one of the longest Senate nomination periods in American history, and came out with both guns swinging. Three months into the job, Lynch was instrumental in a massive takedown of 14 top-ranking officials of FIFA, the international body overseeing professional soccer and the World Cup.

Like a modern-day Elliot Ness, Lynch has been relentlessly pursuing FIFA – long suspected to be a festering international pool of corruption, bribery and general scummery – since her days as U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of New York. Unlike Ness, she didn’t have to settle for cornering her Al Capone on a tax dodge. The investigation and subsequent indictments center on hundreds of millions of dollars in bribes and kickbacks FIFA used to leverage broadcasting rights in the 1998 and 2010 World Cups.

The irony, of course, is that America is one of the least-vested countries in the world when it comes to soccer. Obviously our pro teams care about soccer, as do millions of SUV-driving helicopter parents taking their 10-year-olds to practice. And various government entities would relish the prestige (and dollars) brought by hosting the World Cup. In fact FIFA (and of course Russia, because Putin) claims the only reason the AG’s office went after their leadership was because the U.S. was snubbed as a host for the 2022 games (Qatar “earned” that honor). They claim the multi-million dollar investigation was nothing more than sour grapes.

This couldn’t be further from the truth, as fans of the game well know. John Oliver, host of HBO’s “Last Week Tonight,” called out FIFA’s skullduggery last year, describing it as “a comically grotesque organization.” (he was back again this week with a fantastic diatribe on the indictments.) Most fans of the art of football (as the rest of the world knows) had long ago come to accept that FIFA made Staten Island “sanitation engineers” look like ethics professors.

Even if you’re not a soccer fan, these indictments have been, at the very least, entertaining. In addition to making fodder for comedy news shows, the participants have broadcasted their own particular brand of crazy. Former FIFA vice president Jack Warner initially denied any wrongdoing, then published a video rant criticizing the U.S. and pondering why, if FIFA was so evil, would it rush to create a last-minute World Cup to be hosted in the U.S.? He even held up a newspaper article as “proof.” Sadly for Warner, that article ran in the parody news site “The Onion” and the 2015 carrot is but a myth. A day later, Warner announced plans to become a government informant, promising to unfurl an “avalanche” of secrets about the organization. The week ended with the re-election of FIFA’s 17-year incumbent president Sepp Blatter (who escaped indictment), only to be followed the next day by Blatter’s Facebook-shaking resignation. You can’t make this stuff up. We’re really hoping some of this madness shows up as patches in the September release of FIFA ‘16, if not at the June ‘16 sneak peak during E3.

There’s good news on the horizon though: This weekend the UEFA Champions League Final takes place, with FC Barcelona and superstar forward Lionel Messi, the clear favorite to win over Italy’s Juventus FC (unless Pirlo and Tevez and the rest of the Italian team work their own magic). For those seeking true artistry on the pitch, it’s worth flipping over from the Triple Crown (also Saturday) to watch Messi and his teammates in action.

A rootin’ tootin’ gunslingin’ investigator like Lynch deserves a toast for coming in and cleaning up this rotten, stinking town that is FIFA. It only makes sense to hearken back to the Wild West for a drink. Adapting the Western Rose from tiki bar legend “Trader Vic” Bergeron’s 1947 “Bartender’s Guide,” we’ve replaced apricot brandy with the increasingly popular Calvados apple brandy and tweaked it just a bit.

Western Rose

(Adapted from a Trader Vic recipe)

1 oz Beefeater (or other London Dry Gin)

1/2 oz Calvados

1/2 oz Dolin Dry Vermouth

1/4 oz Fresh Lemon Juice

1/8 oz Honey Syrup

Bitter Truth Rose Water

Apple slice to garnish

In a mixing glass, combine gin, vermouth, calvados, syrup and lemon juice. Add ice and stir well until chilled. Strain a chilled cocktail glass and dash with rose water. Garnish with an apple slice and, if desired, a pinch of cinnamon.

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