And one should always be a fun idiot on their goddamn day of birth (< Anniversary that shit. You can only be so idiotic when you’re 7 pounds, blind and immobile.)

^

(Get at me Hallmark)

SO.

Here I am. At the ripe age of 24. Expected to take on the world, swirl a mimosa in my hand and say things “These new kitchen towels are ROCKING MY WORLD.”

But.

I’m not.

In fact.

My kitchen towels blow (clearance) and I use them to half dry my plastic cups. And after the absurdity that unraveled this very weekend, I can’t help but think adulthood showed up to my life party just.a.little.too.early. Like, I’m still dancing around in my penguin pajamas and already taste-tested 5 jello shots I made for the shit show that’s about to go down at my crib – but yeah thanks for getting here uncomfortably in advance, adulthood, and bringing your best friend responsibility – kind of early.

Let me explain. And let me to recap. And tell you about my 3-day bash this past weekend. Why I originally invited adulthood and responsibility to my birthday party. Just to be nice. And why they left shortly thereafter. But only because they just couldn’t seem to get along with youth, questionable decisions and a stolen tambourine.

Warning: If you’re looking for pictures of cake, balloons and candid pictures of me laughing at my friend’s faces. This blog post is not for you.

10 Episodes That Made Adulthood Leave My Birthday Party

When suddenly I get a late-night appetite for Lil Wayne. I wander over to the DJ station. Ready to swoon him with my drop dead sexy ways.:

Funky fresh.

I put in the request. He tells me to go choke on something and leave him alone. It was a good talk.

But 1/2 a whiskey ginger later I felt like talking again.

And again.

And again.

3 more times after that.

I even brought out the big guns and rallied my friends to ruin his light show like this:

Put us on a LEASH.

And eventually he pulled my wasian ass to the side. And told me that I needed to step the fuck off. That “Little Wayne” was NOT going to happen and if I just took this, would I please just go home?

Hey hey Mitch Jackson.

…I went home.

2. Doing the worm and losing vision

Shortly before Mitch Jackson and I headed home, my amiga Ali came up to me with tequila eyes and told me that she had a surprise for me. A birthday surprise. A surprise that required me to hold her glasses. A surprise that looked like this:

Man in the back don’t give a shit.

Man in the back thinking about giving a shit.

Man in the back giving approximately 3 shits.

Also, the answer is yes. Ali did leave her glasses at the bar and somehow managed to get home completely blind. But no worries, it only took 2 hours.

3. Convincing the entire bar to get barefoot and dance the fucking night away – thus gambling with the risk of STDS and/or any other unearthly disease.

Other than Judson’s hand photographing in a terrifying way, this went rather well. Only minor cases of the black lung were reported.

WORTH IT.

5. Mistaking Celebrities for Cavemen.

I remember this moment precisely. I had just concluded a conversation with a stray labrador that wandered onto premises about feeling a little lost in life but hey also, was it cool if hitched a ride home later? Lolol”

But seriously pick me up at 4.

When suddenly.

I noticed a man out of the corner of my eye. No. Wait it was another animal. No…a man. No! An animal. Idk. Maybe both. I leaned over to my friend Asian Amy for a brief brainstorm.

Hey listen. Thanks for the balloon! Also. Check out that caveman/bear hybrid in the corner of the bar. HAHAHA.

Yeah turns out it was Adrian Grenier.

Hey.

You know. That trick from entourage.

Things I like – This.

.

And that gem “Drive Me Crazy”

.

Hover the fuck off Melissa Joan Hart.

Was he an asshole? Sure was. Can I blame him? Sure can’t. Did I talk to him? Sure didn’t. Scared of cavemen.

6. Getting In A Scary White Van With A Hatian Named Genevieve

Shortly after we bid a mental adieu to Adrian Caveman Grenier, Krissy, Nicole Detamble, And threw our arms but for the nearest cab and noticed a someone’s personal mini van stop directly

in front

___________________

of us

Krissy threw open the doors immediately and requested our next location. He introduced himself as Genevieve. And…of course.. he would be happy to take us wherever our hearts desired.

…I desire Burger King…

We laughed, we danced, we sang, we even told him it was my goddamn day of birth.

Genevieve wept.

Told me everyone deserved good things on their birthday and he would be happy to give us a ride FOR FREE.

Olive wept.

And then had a photo shoot with his Hatian ass. (…actually just his face.)

HERE I COME GENEVIEVE.

Fucking framable.

“Pose like a white girl!” Genevieve went with “Confused and hungry” – Nice.

When Asian Amy told me to sit the fuck down because she had a surprise for me.

2 surprises actually.

They were lap dances.

And they were going to happen right now..

At the goddamn turkey’s nest.

Nothing sets the mood quite like the Turkey’s Nest Tavern…

And after looking at these pictures, I’d like to take this moment to profusely apologize to anyone I’ve ever made these faces to. Particularly if flirtation was involved.

This is going well.

.

What makes you think I don’t want this?

.

…Sexy can’t I.

Working on my sex appeal. I make no promises.

8. Buying $1,300 Worth Of Empanadas

Buying rounds of Cuban food is all fun and games until…

Mother of empandas.

9. Crash a Karaoke Company Party And Steal Their Instruments

Earlier in the evening we invested in temporary friendships with a lad named Ian. He requested our presence at his company “Karaoke party” later that night but we said we simply didn’t want to intrude.

We were liars.

We intruded. Stole their tambourine.

And walked the fuck out.

But only so we could do this:

Wild animals.

10. Make Homemade mimosas on the go whilst convincing a mariachi band to get on the subway with you and play “La Bamba” Until you’ve reached your final destination.

Success

Success

I’d like to tell you that Ricardo didn’t toppled over with his accordion shortly after this picture was taken only because the of the train’s intense speed and abrupt stop but…he did. No casualties. Just an extended song break.

So yeah. That just about covers it. I shot adulthood and responsibility a mass text the next morning. Thanked them for coming out but said I probably wouldn’t be available to hang for another 8-33 years.

They didn’t text back.

Special shout out to my favorite clowns who celebrated my birthday with me. I had that the most

Happy – I have no excuses for the shit I do and I probably never will so thanks for hanging out with me does anyone have a Gatorade also where did this tambourine come from- Day

A wasian girl named Olive could ever ask for.

Cheers to 24 years of miraculous survival.

And filling it with the best damn stories and the best damn people I know.

Hahaha … great birthday celebration(s), Olive! I wouldn’t have expected anything less. My birthday was Saturday, and because it was boring and dull, I just pretended to be you while I read of your adventures. Thank you for a good time. I also enjoyed the night you were nearly murdered in the park, but you can have that adventure all to yourself.

Happy belated birthday to you! I must say, this birthday celebration was highly in part to my friends and inexplicable lifestyle but not to worry, I celebrated enough for the both of us and I dually will pretend like I got much needed relaxation and sanity through you. Perfect balance. The night in the park was quite the debacle and thinking about investing in a leash for my friends to attach me to for the next few years (at least) to come. Hahaha. Happy Birthday again (: Glad you were able to virtually celebrate mine with me 😉

Holy Smokes! What a birthday extravaganza Olive! You really go way out for a birthday, eh? Glad your rents didn’t wrap it, cause you are sure a gem and we’re glad you are here to share your stories with us! You Rock! Hope your birthday was great! {{{{Hugs}}}}

Man, I celebrate my birthday with a cookout in the backyard, nothing compared to your, but I’ve got a few years on ya, maybe that’s why! What a great post you did and I am glad that someone took all the photographs on your special day! {{{{Hugs}}}} Val

[…] to the following amigos who made this strange list possible: Penny Erikson, Kyle, Ali, Anthony, Judson, Wittmann, Charlie, Tanner, Aftyn, Chelsea, Alex, and Bentley Cooper. Do I want to be your friends […]

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