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Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

We’ve heard many reasons why Zayn Malik left One Direction: he wanted their next song to be about crystal meth; he realised that depsite the money and the fame One Direction isn’t a proper band; he bought a second album and learnt that he wasn’t singing The Best Song Ever; and so on.

Radar online alleges he was kicked out for being tired an emotional. A source claims:

“Zayn’s alcohol and drug use became a huge problem. They gave him every opportunity to clean up his act, but he just couldn’t do it. He’s been going down fast and an intervention was needed. It was decided that it was best for him to go and take care of him for right now.”

If that act was any cleaner One Direction would squeak when they walked.

The Daily Star reports that Russell Brand is the “fourth most imporant thinker”. Well so says “upmaket magazine” Prospect. Brand’s aim is to be entertaining. And he is. His flowery language to espouse whatever Left-wing claptrap he’s just read garners lots and lots of comment from people who think almost every day.

The Guardiancomplained that Brand’s “presence [on the list] looks designed to be provocative”. Well, d’uh. It is. It gets headlines. A search for “Russell Brand Prospect magazine” on Google calls up 436,000 results.

So. Here he is in the no-brow Daily Star. And the good news for Brand is that he’s no longer a middle-aged egotist in teen jeans (he’s 39). The Star says he’s 30.

Meet Eleanor Calder. Who she? Well, she is the ex-loved to One Direction singer Louis Tomlinson. Today’s Eleanor’s on the cover of the Daily Star. “Pain is etched on her face” after Louis was pictured kissing a “half-naked mystery girl”.

Problem is that the etching is not all that evident. If we were to guess, we’d say Eleanor looked cheesed off that a camera is being shoved in her face as she walks her dog.

The Star says Eleanor was looking”downcast” as she walked her dog in Manchester. And sure enough it just so happens that the one photo of Eleanor that apepars on page 4 and 5 shows her looking not upwards but downwards.

Louise BROWN, born at Oldham Hospital near Manchester, Great Britain, is the result of the IN VITRO fertilization of her mother. The biologist Robert Edwards holds the baby beside the midwife and the surgeon Patrick STEPTOE, on July 25, 1978. (Photo by Keystone-France/Gamma-Keystone via Getty Images)

How does an orthodoxy take hold? When designers Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana shared their views on love, sex, romance, gay marriage, children, IVF babies and children of same-sex couples the media and celebrity voices united in condeming them, siding with Elton John, who expressed his displeasure with a shrill call to boycott the brand.

The Daily Mirror has carried this news on its front page:

“Elton – I will never wear Dolce & Gabbana again after they dared call my kids synthetic”

Elton, who with his husband David Furnish is father to IVF-conceived sons Elijah and Zach, appeared over two more pages. It was “Elton’s fury” at an “astonishing attack”.

Elton said: “How dare you refer to my beautiful children as synthetic?”

But they were synthesized? This is how the BBC explains IVF to GCSE students:

If a couple are having difficulty conceiving a child because the quantity or quality of the man’s sperm is poor then IVF can be used. This is where the egg is fertilised outside the woman’s body and then implanted back into her uterus. As FSH can also be used to encourage the production of several mature eggs at once, it is used as part of IVF to increase the number of eggs available for fertilisation.

Some people worry about the ethical implications of IVF. They are concerned that couples may want ‘designer babies’ with ‘desirable’ qualities, so may only want certain fertilised eggs. For example, they may want a girl if they have lots of boys in the family, or they may wish to avoid producing a baby with an inherited defect.

Elton goes on:

And shame on you for wagging your judgemental fingers at IVF… a miracle that has allowed legions of loving people both stright and gay, to fulfil their dream of having children. Your archaic thinking is out of step with the times, just like your fashions. I shall never wear Dolce & Gabbana ever again. #BoycottDolceGabbana.

At which point anyone not laughing or thinking Chris Morris was writing the news should dash out and buy armfuls of D&G schmutters. Do they do a kids’ range? If they do, buy that, too. Elton John wants people who are judgemental banned. And – irony of irony – many voices on Twitter, that paragon of intolerance and incoherence, agree.

Whoah! Put that down that Floral Jacquard Waistcoat and Bolero Jacket with Trimming (£3,300.00)! Think on. Anyone ready to buy that or a Dolce & Gabbana T-shirt (RRP. £445) should first know that Elton John says you must not. You see, Stefano Gabbana and Domenico Dolce, for it is they, have said that they prefer “traditional” families. Dolce likes a male and female to be parents, rather than man and man, or woman and pigeon.

He also says IVF creates “synthetic children”.

“I’m not convinced by those I call the children of chemicals, synthetic children. Wombs for rent, sperm chosen from a catalogue … psychiatrists are not ready to confront the effects of this experimentation,”

Elton John – gay, married, dad of two two children through IVF and ‘womb renter’ – says Dolce’s views are “archaic” and “deeply insulting”.

Gabbana says: “We firmly believe in democracy and the fundamental principle of freedom of expression that upholds it.”

Elton John adds:

“How dare you refer to my beautiful children as ‘synthetic’… And shame on you for wagging your judgemental little fingers at IVF – a miracle that has allowed legions of loving people, both straight and gay, to fulfil their dream of having children.”

Isn’t John guilty of wagging his finger at them?

Elton John then coined the hashtag #BoycottDolceGabbana.

And everyone laughed at his intolerance? No. Gay rights activist Peter Tatchell said in the Guardian:

“It’s quite outrageous that two gay fashion designers who have relied on the gay community for much of their success are opposing gay equality. They’re lining up with the Pope and the far right in their support for legal discrimination.”

Didn’t they just rely on their talent and business acumen? Or do the minutes from the gay community AGM suggest members only wear D&G’s schmutters because the designers are gay, and therefore are in the meeting and not easily ignored?

Tatchell adds:

“If they don’t want to be parents that’s fine, but it’s deeply insulting to disparage the many same sex parents who have brought up children happily and successfully.”

Is anyone else astounded that sucessful parents would be so thin skinned as to give a toss what D&G think, let alone have the energy to demand they be shunned, ruined and banned from the gay community centre for speaking freely?

Madonna accuses BBC Radio 1 of “discriminatory and unfair” behaviour for failing to play her latest song, Living For Love. The song failed to make the station’s playlist, which dictates its most-played songs. The BBC says this had led to “accusations of ageism from the 56-year-old’s fans”.

Radio 1 says songs are selected on “musical merit and their relevance to our young audience on a case-by-case basis”.

And who is the maven of what the young, go-ahead audience wants?

Radio 1’s 49-year-old head of music, George Ergatoudis, said the station had “moved on” from her music.

Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson is on gardening leave. He’s been suspended by the BBC “following a fracas” with a producer. Yes, a fracas. Not a brouhaha. Not a kerfuffle. And most certainly neither an imbroglio nor a tawdry hullabloo.

Last year Clarkson was given a warning when he appeared to say “nigger” while filming. It’s something he denies.

The full BBC statement runs:

“Following a fracas with a BBC producer, Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended pending an investigation. No one else has been suspended.”

The BBC seem to realise that without Clarkson, Top Gear is an expensively priced lame duck. Richard Hammond and James May, Clarkson’s sidekicks, nay his abettors, are free to work but the show will not be broadcast this Sunday.

Happy day for Amalie Bruun and Brian Harding. The pop duo known as Ex Cops are invited to play at the Austin, Texas, SXSW. It would be just great. Think of the exposure. Think of the fans. Don’t think of the money because the invite from McDonald’s wants you to appear for free.

This week our band was asked to play the McDonald’s Showcase at the annual South by Southwest, also known to music insiders as “SXSW.”

Their selling point was that this was “a great opportunity for additional exposure,” and that “McDonald’s will have their global digital team on site to meet with the bands, help with cross promotion, etc”

I don’t, and doubt that they know what this means either.

Getting past that rhetoric, at the very least a big corporation like McDonald’s can at least pay their talent a little. Right?

“There isn’t a budget for an artist fee (unfortunately)”

As of 2013, McDonalds is valued at 90.3 billion dollars.

I won’t get into the internet semantics of things you’ve probably seen on your Facebook feed; like that thing where it takes a McDonald’s worker 4 months to earn what the CEO makes in an hour, or their GMO love affair, and I will certainly spare you the bounty of photos showing how they treat their animals.

In lieu of being paid like a real artist, or anyone who is employed to do a service, McDonald’s assures us that we will “be featured on screens throughout the event, as well as POSSIBLY mentioned on McDonald’s social media accounts like Facebook (57MM likes!)”

We recently headlined a show at the Brooklyn venue Baby’s Alright. They are by no means a DIY venue, but they are still an independent small business. The owners are people our age who used to book shows at Pianos and busted their asses to open a venue of their own in Brooklyn.

While I haven’t asked Billy or Zach how much they make annually (that would be weird) I’m going to guess they’re not looking at brownstones in Prospect Park at the moment. Yet when we played, we were paid very very fairly, were provided with drink tickets, and each band member fed a full entree from their menu (try the Brussels sprouts)

I will also go ahead and save time for any schill / troll rebuttals; “Are the other showcases paying you? No one is holding a gun to your head!” This is true. It is our choice (pretty much) to fly to Austin, play shows without soundcheck, and get paid nothing to a little. But hear this loud and clear, we LOVE making music, it is what we do, and despite some of its very apparent flaws, SXSW still provides a decent venue to be heard by some people who are really there to hear new music and not just do blow with dudes who wear square toe loafers.

It is a horrifying and gross reality when one sees the true nature of corporations and their pathetic attempts to achieve relevance with millennials. Doritos received a lot of flack for their stage a couple years ago, but i’m going to assume they paid Lady Gaga.

Oh, I almost forgot; “McDonald’s will offer free food to all audience members”

I don’t doubt that tons of bands will kowtow to this lame, lame attempt at a rock show. And I’m aware that to achieve any exposure is a Herculean task in 2015, but the Boethian Wheel is a real thing, and this will continue to exist if we, as artists, keep saying yes in exchange for a taste of success. Even if smells like a shitty Fish filet.’

Can you be a burger artiste? Just wondering because McDonald’s have a few opportunities – all unpaid – for anyone who can pump sauce into intersting shapes…

Pouty rapper and current holder of Kim Kardashian’s bum breasts Kanye West has been talking to the Oxford Guild Business Society.

The talk features one question from the audience, which he didn’t answer. Your question might
have been, “Who gives a talk to the Oxford Guild Business society?’

Shakeel Hashim was there to brings us a few highlights of Kanye West’s self-styled “stream of consciousness”:

It begins with Shhhh…:

“OK, everyone please be completely quiet, because I can literally hear a whisper, and it’ll throw off my stream of consciousness, and when I get my stream of consciousness going that’s when I give the best, illest quotes. Literally, a whisper can throw it off.”

Pablo’s Kanye Period:

“My goal, if I was going to do art, fine art, would have been to become Picasso or greater.”

On Greed:

“We have the resources as a civilisation to find a utopia, but we’re led by the most greedy and the least noble.

Acts of the Keanu:

“What I said was The Matrix is like the Bible of the post-information age.”

No Clocking Off:

“By the way, I don’t know the days of the week. I just go to exactly when my appointment is.”

Hail to the Chief:

“I understand that I’m a servant. And with my voice, with my ability to build relationships with amazing people, speak to amazing people. Call Elon Musk out of the blue, or call Obama out of the blue…he calls the home phone, by the way.”

It’s Not Me; It’s You:

“In America people really do wear $3000 shirts. For real. Here and in Stockholm people will be like ‘oh dude, it’s a $3000 shirt’.

“I’m assuming I’m probably wearing a $2000 shirt but I got it for free from the designer so.”

On Hypocrisy:

“Time is the only luxury. It’s the only thing you can’t get back. If you lose your luggage – I’m not gonna say the obvious brand of luggage that I’d normally say because I’ve got a meeting with them soon – if you lose your expensive luggage at the airport, you can get that back. You can’t get the time back.

“It feels like people do everything in life to get this BMW, this Benz, to get this townhome, to get 2.5 kids exactly. One of them has to be small, y’know!”

The Dalai West:

“People say it takes a village to raise a child. People ask me how my daughter is doing. She’s only doing good if your daughter’s doing good. We’re all one family.”

Have I Not Heels?:

“One of my biggest Achilles heels has been my ego. And if I, Kanye West, the very person, can remove my ego, I think there’s hope for everyone.”

It’s Child Abuse:

“My momma taught me that if I was in a grocery store and I’m by myself and a stranger grabbed my hand, scream at the top of your fucking lungs. If I’m at an awards show and a stranger grabs my hand and they say so we’re going to use these moving lights, or we’re gonna play the music right now before we define the look, or we’re gonna cut the TV cameras in a traditional way. I’ll scream at the top of my fucking lungs.”

It’s Not a Sweater – It’s A Shirt:

“It’s illegal to not wear clothes, and also possibly too cold. That means someone is imposing an idea on you that should legally have to do! Clothing should be like food. There should never be a $5000 sweater.”

You can buy Jerry Garcia’s severed fingers. and the owner will toss in a FREE glass and FREE brine.

Craigslist user ‘Matt’ has more on the Grateful Dead singer’s digit (condition: ‘good’):

I am selling Jerry Garcia’s severed finger to raise money for the upcoming GD 50th Anniversary show in Chicago. It pains me to part with this one of a kind collectable, but I believe Jerry would want me to see the last show. Finger is preserved in brine solution and sealed in air tight bottle for long term storage.

Any child of David and Victoria Beckham will want for nothing save talent. You can fake it in the world of fashion and pop music, but in sport, there is no auto-tune or PR-wrangling to make the mundane appear masterful.

And the media is watching their every move.

On February 20, the Daily Mail told us just how fantastic the Beckham boys are doing in the Arsenal youth teams:

Brooklyn Beckham is a hot prospect for the Arsenal academy, but brothers Romeo and Cruz could be even better

And Cruz, age 10, must be brilliant because Brooklyn is ace. As Sami Mokbel told readers:

The teenager has caused quite a stir at Arsenal’s youth HQ over the past few months. At the age of 15, he was named on the bench for last weekend’s Under-18 clash against Leicester, raising hopes that he may well have the substance to back up his name.

A mere five days later, Sami Mokbel had more news:

He wrote:

However, Sportsmail can reveal that Beckham was one of only a few Under 16 and Under 17 players still at the club’s Hale End academy that weekend as the rest travelled to the Al Kass youth tournament in Qatar.

Having ‘revealed’ that Beckham had been called up on merit, the Mail then ‘reveals’ that young Beckham was called up to make up the numbers.

Anyone sane might realise that a teenager minding his own business and doing his best knows that his mates are away on tour. It’s only the Mail that portrayed it as a major news item.

Having set Brooklyn Beckham up for a fall – Mokbel: “Beckham shirt sales at the Emirates Stadium club shop are set to go through the roof” – the Daily Star tells its readers that Romeo Beckham is “brilliant” at tennis.

No pressure, Romeo. But do we detect a touch of snark benath the Star’s photo?

“David and Victoria will be told how good their son it”

And not only by the Press. But what’s this “good” rot? In the media, the Beckhams lads must be nothing short of brilliant let they be gleefully portrayed as failures.

Are you worried about the growing menace of the Homosexual-Catholic-Islamic-Satanist-Masonic-Alien conspiracy to promote evolutionism, fornication, pornography, pornography, paedophilia, pop music, alcohol and drugs?

No?

Well in that case, it’s high time you got acquainted with Jack Chick – crazy name, crazy guy – and his body of enlightening works.

I first became aware of Jack when I purchased This Was Your Life for a few pence in a Christian bookshop many decades ago. Its primitive and unsubtle visual style intrigued me, as did the way it crudely homed in on the childlike insecurities that lurk within us. Here it is, animated for your convenience (with an extra ending that is definitely NOT in Jack’s original)…

But if the theme of the prodigal son is a familiar one, Jack’s other work takes us to nightmare scenarios far beyond the normal scriptural pastures, where the very existence of the human race hangs in the balance…

So who is Jack Chick? And how did this unlikely evangelist embark on his pioneering cartooning career?

According to his website, ‘As he grew, Jack was constantly drawing, and honing skills that God would later use in a great way.’

A great – some might say mysterious –way indeed.

Jack got off to an inauspicious start: ‘While in high school, none of the Christians would have anything to do with him because of his bad language. They all agreed not to witness to him, convinced that he was the last guy on earth who would ever accept Jesus Christ.’

After high school, Jack studied drama, went in the army, and eventually became an actor.

Then one day his mother-in-law insisted that he listen to Charles E Fuller’s Old Fashioned Revival Hour on the radio, during which Jack fell to his knees ‘and my life was changed forever’.
First he borrowed $800 from the credit union to fund the initial printing of Why No Revival?

Then, while out driving, Jack spotted some teenagers on the street. ‘At the time, I didn’t like teenagers or their rebellion,’ he recalled. ‘But, all of a sudden, the power of God hit me and my heart broke and I was overcome with the realisation that these teens were probably on their way to hell. With tears pouring down my face, I pulled my car off the road and wrote as fast as I could, as God poured the story into my mind.’

The result? A Demon’s Nightmare

Jack’s boss told him that the Chinese people had been won over to Communism through mass distribution of cartoon booklets, and this planted the seed of a plan in his fertile mind.

When invited to speak at a local prison, he prepared a flip chart to illustrate his speech. So successful was his performance that ‘nine of the eleven inmates present trusted Christ as their Saviour’.

The artwork from his talk formed the basis of This Was Your Life, the seminal ‘Chick Tract’ mentioned earlier.

The early tracts were not an instant hit.

‘A lot of the bookstores were really outraged at some guy using these cartoons to present the gospel,’ remembered Jack. ‘They thought it was sacrilegious.’

Half a century later, however, with hundreds of tracts translated into a hundred tongues, Chick claims a combined sales figure of 750 million: ‘His burden has always been to get the gospel into the hands of millions of lost people around the world. He wanted to be a missionary himself, but his new wife wanted no part of missionary life. Her aunt had been a missionary in Africa. While pregnant, she was being carried across a river on a stretcher, when one of those carrying her lost a leg to an alligator. But God had other plans. He wanted Jack to stay home and produce effective gospel literature that missionaries could use to win the lost. As a result, many missionaries love Chick tracts and use them to reach multitudes they could never reach one on one. Today, over fifty years after writing his first tract, God is still giving Jack Chick new gospel tracts. In fact, he is now producing some of his most popular work. As of this writing, five of the ten most popular Chick tracts in stock have been written in the last year or two.’

Jack’s tracts bring new and vivid illustrations of Christian tenets. In The Execution, a murderer is spared the gallows – only to discover (to his horror) that his own mother offered to be hanged in his place, just as Jesus died for our sins. In Flight 144, a Christian couple who have spent 50 years doing good works around the world in God’s name are killed in a plane crash and refused entry to heaven because good works don’t save sinners – only God can. In Heart Trouble, a man visits a cardiologist who tells him that he will die (‘everybody dies’) and that everyone is born with a heart problem: ‘the ugly things down deep in your heart that we can’t see… But God does.’ In Lisa (now no longer available but posted online by Chick’s detractors) a doctor informs a father that he has given his young daughter an STD – then saves his soul by introducing him to Jesus. In Big Daddy? a crazed teacher throws a boy out of his class for questioning the theory of evolution.

And so on. Targets range from the world’s biggest religions, science, abortion and homosexuality through to Santa Claus, Halloween, Harry Potter, and Dungeons and Dragons.

Many people seem to find it amusing to republish the distinctive Chick Tracts online, with amended text that ridicules Jack’s urgent message.

Some claim that Jack is a bigot and a hater. Others, that he is delusional and mad.

Sir Cliff Richard is mired by allegations of sex crimes. He’s not been arrsted. And he denies any wrongdoing. But the papers have got their teeth into him. The tabloids all lead with the perma-tanned singer. And on social media it’s worse.

On Facebook, Cliff is no longer a ‘singer’. No. He’s billed as a “singer under investigation by police”.

Cliff Richard – still Sir Cliff Richard – is on the front page of all the tabloids.

The Mirror (front page): “Cliff Richard Facing New Sex Claims”

Not too long ago that shocker would have been that Sir Cliff had ever had sex, preferring tennis and al fresco singing to nookie. Now we read that “police are probing new claims of sex abuse with Sir Cliff Richard are more alleged victims came forward”. An “officer”, revealed to be South Yorkshire Police Chief Constable David Crompton, says”This investigation has increased significantly.”

Crompton made his comment in a letter to Home Affiars Committee chariman Keith Vaz.

Page 9: “I have no idea where these absurd & untrue allegations come from,” says Cliff. The Mirror fails to tell its readers that Cliff said that on his Facebook page:

I have no idea where these absurd and untrue allegations come from. The police have not disclosed details to me. I have never, in my life, assaulted anyone and I remain confident that the truth will prevail. I have cooperated fully with the police, and will, of course, continue to do so.

Beyond stating that the allegations are completely false, it would not be appropriate for me to say anything further until the investigation has concluded, which I hope will be very soon. In the meantime, I would, again, like to thank everyone for supporting me through this unbelievably difficult period.

Jasmine Tridevil, the woman with THREE breasts is on the cover of the Daily Star. The paper has a scoop. Yes, it is true. The third breast is not a breast at all. It’s a huge marshmallow, a rolled up sock, a deviled dumpling or whatever other cunning device Alisha Hessler shoved in a bra to dupe the media, and ruin the Daily Telegraph when its chief political writer Peter Oborne quit citing Jasmine as the stuff you find under your nails when you scrape the news barrel’s bottom.

It’s left to the venerable breast experts at the Daily Star to expose the bare, naked truth:

And there on Page 3 s the thermal fact, as reveales by a Gwrman TV channel’s thermal camera.

Dapper Laughs creator Daniel O’Reilly is a fool. When he was being accused of condoning and encouraging rape, he made the mistake of trying to explain himself. Dapper Laughs went on TV, this time as his perma-tanned geyser look-alike O’Reilly, and told the BBC Newsnight viewers about his rape jokes:

“That joke may have gone a bit too far and I may have said too much but by no means do I stand behind that and I’m embarrassed by it… I didn’t realise I was causing that much of a problem.”

Having portrayed his fans as impressionable dolts, O’Reilly then stated that Dapper Laughs was dead.

As @jamiesont tweets:

To still be a Dapper Laughs fan after he trashed you on Newsnight requires idiocy which takes you to a whole new unexplored level of stupid.

This mea culpa pleased the Newsnight viewers, who, one imagines, are not O’Reilly’s main fanbase to begin with. It was on-message. The fearless new post-Savile Newsnight will not bury important matters like an ITV2 comic making a joke at a privage gig. It will showcase its sound morals but summoning O’Reilly to its naughty step.

Julia Roberts’ mother has died. Roberts is an actress. Her mother wasn’t. Her mother was not a public figure. This is a moment of private grief for a private person. So. How does the Daily Mail report it:

Lest you think the Mail has bought nine paparazzi photos – a thing the paper vowed to stop doing after Princess Diana died – and was gawping at private grief, the ‘Daily Mail Reporter’ tells us its there to support the actress:

As news broke, the star’s friends rushed to the actress’ side as she began the difficult task of visiting her mother’s home in West Los Angeles, California. While many may struggle to enter their late loved ones home on the day they died, the 47-year-old appeared to be determined to get everything in order.

A difficult task made easier by the man with the camera recording your every move .

She’s an inspiration. But can Julia Roebrts be so great at the funeral? Let’s hope the Mail is there to show us…

Clickbait journalism is the current trend. The newspapers realise that brand loyalty means nothing. It’s all about the instant hit. So. The Independent looks for a topic riding high on the news cycle. It spots Bobbi Kristina. It sheds crocodile tears – one young woman’s mental turmoil is a public “tragedy” – and muses:

“Those who have been following the Bobbi Kristina tragedy maybe surprised to learn this…”

Surprise: Newspaper gets traffic from depressed woman!

The “surprise” is that Bobbi Kristina is getting better, at least physically…