Friday, May 22, 2009

Tennis bracelets

Forgive my lack of sophisdickation, but does anyone actually play tennis while wearing these? In my mind, jewelry + exercise = silly. Diamond bracelets shouldn’t have anything to do with tennis (Chris Evert learned this the hard way when she broke one mid-tournament and had to stop the match to retrieve her gemstones). Like chicklets in Juicy sweatsuits, gals wearing tennis bracelets are most likely not mid-exercise.

The jewelry equivalent of a French manicure, tennis bracelets are nouveau riche. As soulless as Ryan Seacrest, these bourgeoisie baubles don’t denote your status on the social ladder; they tag you as sheep. They aren’t bracelets as much as leashes. Baby, you may own a few carats of J-grade diamonds, but your ass is metaphorically owned by Kay Jewelers and the Cheesecake Factory.

Since you put the ass in class, I'm going to carve "classy" into your butt cheeks with one of your diamonds. Too harsh? Okay, fine. I'll rip that double fault of wretched excess off your tanorexic wrist and lash you with it instead. I'm just helping you leave your mark.

9 comments:

"jewelry equivalent of a french manicure". you are genius. so true!! and those damn juicy sweatpants?? really, you mallrats, that ass is just going to get juicer and juicer as you waltz around stuffing your faces with cinnabons.

A wore a similar piece of wrist jewelry, a clasped watch, while playing baseball once. The clasp came undone right as I swung the bat. It cut up my wrist like a goth who just finished reading The Bell Jar. I still have the scars; constant reminders of the vendetta I have that you are currently carrying out. Thank you.

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