Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 4:18 pm Post subject: Do Not Know What to Do or Say

I have been dating this guy that I met at work for the past six months. Just last month he moved to a city one hour away from where I live to attend a major University to finish his studies in nursing. He told me about his transfering to this University within the first month that we began dating, and said that it wouldn't change anything. He wanted me to move with him and talked about it the fifth month into our relationship, but changed his mind after he discussed the issue with his older brother who has finished college and is doing very well. His older brother told him that if we were to move in together right now it would cause problems, because he should get his education first, and I agreed with his brother so now he is over at the new college while I am still at home.

Well, to make a long story short, everything started out great. He would come down on the weekends he didn't have to work, to see me and his old friends. We spoke on the phone every other day, and things were fine. He has never met my mother before, so just two weeks ago when he was about to come down to see me I asked him to pick me up over my mother's house and I wanted him to meet her, and I gave him the directions how to get to her house. He said ok, but I was a bit nervous because I didn't tell her I was dating someone, she never knew after these 6 months and I knew she was going to ask me about him when he showed up. Well, after I hung up the phone with my boyfriend I told my mother about him. She strongly disapproved of him because he is a foreigner (African) and says that foreigners cannot be trusted and that they have many wives, and told my grandmother who also strongly disapproved of him without meeting him. She didn't even want him in her house. So I called him back and told him not to come to my mother's house which disappointed him because he seemed as though he really looked forward to meeting her. He asked me why and I just told him right now is not a good time and I could not give him a reason. Now all of a sudden his mood has changed, he is always too busy to talk, or has an attitude in his voice when I call. I have not spoken to him in the last two days because of this and feel that we may grow apart because of this. Should I leave him and the situation alone, or try to talk to him although he is acting snobbish right now? We are both adults, I just turned 22 last week and he will be 26. I am not trying to please my mother, but I atleast would like to get a word across to him. I never can because when I call now, he has to hurry and go or says he just got off of work or class and is tired, and he never acted like this until this mother issue. Sorry so long but need your advice. Thank you.

You definitely need to talk about his change in attitude. This can range from him being very busy with studies or not understanding your 180 in meeting the family. My last experience was with a CP who suddenly spent less and less time with me. I confronted him and he admitted that he had been having doubts for 4-5 weeks. The 6 mos period is usually when the "honeymoon" period wears off (with guys) and they start to see things they never noticed. Is he family oriented? Sounds like he listens to his brother - he would probably expect that you are close to your mother too. But you need to talk to him without any other distractions and get it out in the open.

Even though your mother is being very critical and prejudiced, sometimes parents are right and sometimes they are wrong. I had 2 high school boyfriends, my mother hated the first - who is now in jail for manslaughter and loved the 2nd - who cheated on me with my best friend since 2nd grade so you never know.

Follow your heart. If you truly want him in your life and see that there may be a future for you together, you need to meet with him in person and discuss things. Good luck.

Even when it hurts, most things turn out for the best...have faith._________________I'll worry about that tomorrow...

I kind of know how you feel, my dad isn't crazy over foreigners either...but my bf is from Europe, and so far my dad seems to like him. Definately talk with your bf. It's very important to get any issues out of the way ASAP, in my opinion. That way you can get on with developing your relationship further. I know it's not much advice, but I guess it's something...I really hope it works out for you! Don't give up

Well, I agree with Scarlett. You does need to meet up with him in person and have a nice talk with him.

I would say that he respected you in agreeing to meet up with your mum. I guess he really felt hurt in some way.

Nonetheless as you said it, you are both mature adults. Though he seems to be acting a little childish in this instant, I believe we are still able to work things out...

But before so, I guess you need to sort out your own feeling and decision too. I know it is going to be tough having objection from your mum but you need to nevertheless be certain about your own feelings too. Uncertainty will only lead to more problems...

Well, Hope you guys will be able to meet up again soon. At the very least that is what a couple should be doing too. Quality communication is definitely important...

[b:55fccc09e5]Thank you all so much. Your advice is truly of great help. The only way I can honestly talk to him now is over the phone if possible, but he is suppose to be down here where I am at this weekend, if he does not have to work, which may be better because we could talk in person.[/b:55fccc09e5]

[b:c0c3285d2f][color=red:c0c3285d2f][/color:c0c3285d2f]Well, he told me he would be down this weekend which was 5 days ago and we have not spoken since then. I did not try to call him until yesterday because I wanted to see if maybe he would call first. It took me a while because I did not know exactly what to say to him, and how, but he has not been answering his cell phone. I am a little worried because I later called from a relative cell phone which is a totally different area code and number to where I live and still no answer. It's not like him, he would have usually called back to see who it was or answered to see who it is. If he comes down the weekend, I don't know if I will see him, but he also works a lot on the weekend because he goes to school full time through the week and works double as a nurse on the weekends. I don't know what else to do and is on the verge of giving up. Is he mad? , but right now I don't know because there is no communication.[/b:c0c3285d2f]

Oh Sweetpea_22, don't give up! It's hard to wait for your bf to respond, I know, but you can't give up! Just keep trying to reach his cell, hopefully you'll get through. Even if it's just for lunch or something, you really need to find a way to sit down and talk about it to him. I really hope you get to. I've heard that if you hold hands while discussing issues, it really helps, so if you get to see him, this might help also. good luck!

[color=red:55d0601f07][/color:55d0601f07][b:55d0601f07]I got in contact with him finally and we did have a chance to talk. It went ok, he said he just got caught up with work and classes on the same day trying to fit everything into one scedule. He wants me to spend a weekend with him where he is at even if he has to work, and he is working double this weekend as a nurse. I am just going to wait until next week to go because right now my car is being used by a relative who is having difficulty getting around to work and back. He told me how he felt, he felt hurt because he sensed prejudice against him for no reason and I explained to him how I cared for him no matter what anyone else has to say and he will still be meeting my mom. He agreed to, so that makes me ok. Thank you everyone for your positive and supportive adivce. I will still accept any advice that anyone still has to offer. Thank you![/b:55d0601f07]

[color=red:509268ffb1][/color:509268ffb1]Well I have not arranged for them to meet on a specific date or time, but I did tell him it was whenever he was ready and he said ok. He sounded like he was still interested, but a little afraid of what she may think of him. He said she seems a little funny, when I told him the truth when we first talked. So I am praying all goes well. I have not spoken to my mother about it yet. I probably should let her know he will be still coming or I thought about just surprising her.

well it is indeed kind of tough to be making a decision here... I am afraid if you tell your mum about it, she might simply refuse to meet him and that the meeting up would never come. But then again, we wouldn't know how she will react if the meeting up come as a surprise for her. I don't suppose she will chase him away?

I believe you know your mum best.

Whatever it is, it will certainly be nice to have your mum's blessing. Anyway, have you been talking to your mum about your relationship with your boyfriend after then? Perhaps it would be nice if you can find a chance to have some nice talk with her.... I suppose it won't end up in some quarrel?