“I’m Hung Up on Twin Brothers”

New Here? Welcome! Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. You can read about me here, peruse the archives here and read popular posts here. You can also follow along on Facebook and Instagram. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected] (be sure to read these guidelines first). Thanks for visiting!

I’m currently finishing college, but my story dates back to the very beginning of high school when I was in the same class as two boys — twin brothers. They were very shy guys with close to no female friends. However, because I’m kind of tomboy-ish and easy-going, I hit it off with them and we became close friends. I would go to their house to study and play games, etc., along with other guys.

Soon, I began liking one of them. Let’s call him Adam. Months went by and most of my friends suspected Adam liked me back, but we always interacted in this more-than-friends but not boyfriend-girlfriend kind of grey zone. Finally, I confessed my feelings for him, but he didn’t give me a response. I pushed for one, but he never said yes or no and we continued in that grey zone.

Right around my junior year of high school, two years after befriending the twins, I was taking a class with the other brother — let’s call him Zack. I quickly forgot Adam and realized that Zack was much more of my type. After a few months of close interaction, Zack and I proceeded to that damned grey zone too. I knew he liked me and I liked him back, but I never told Zack how I felt because I didn’t want to seem like I just moved from one brother to the other. So we graduated and went our separate ways without ever coming clean about our feelings.

Three years after graduating high school, I ran into Zack and we spent some time together hanging out and catching up. I pulled up my big girl panties and asked him out, saying that I had liked him back in high school. But Zack turned me down, saying he thought I liked Adam all this time. I denied it, saying I only liked Adam our freshman year and that it was Zack whom I truly liked towards the end of high school. Zack seemed really torn and upset. I’m sure he was hurt. I tried asking him who he liked, but he said he never liked anyone (and no, I don’t think he’s gay). Since that day, we haven’t talked, and I felt terrible for ruining our friendship in addition to upsetting him. To this day I hear he hasn’t ever gotten a girlfriend, but I’m not surprised.

How on earth should I handle this past? I can already hear the chorus of “MOA and forget them!” but I just can’t. I still have feelings for both of them, and I am filled with debilitating regret because of how I handled everything. Though I have dated on and off, 10 years later I haven’t ever liked anyone else as much as either of the twins, and I still dream about them and miss them. Looking back, maybe who I really liked was a fusion of the two. Regardless, my friends and I all conclude that they probably both liked me, but chose not to go any further with me for fear of hurting the other brother. Does this even sound plausible? Can you help me figure out what the heck was going on and deal with this emotional baggage? I realize that many of my relationship insecurities and worries are related to this part of my past. — Double the Pleasure, Double the Pain

You say you are filled with debilitating regret because of how you handled everything, but from the story you tell, I’m not sure what you could have done differently for a better outcome. You liked both twins and confessed your feelings at different times — years apart! — and neither one reciprocated your feelings in a way that could lead to a relationship. And now, years later, you’re still analyzing “what the heck happened” and filled with regret over the whole thing and worried that perhaps both twins, in fact, liked you but couldn’t act on the feelings for fear of hurting the other. And then you say you aren’t sure you even liked either one as individuals, but as a fusion of the two. Honey, this is real life, not sci-fi erotica; you can’t fuse together two twins to make one boyfriend.

Honestly, you’re wasting precious time fretting over this non-issue. You liked a couple of guys in high school who either didn’t like you back or did like you back but didn’t act on those feelings. Why they didn’t act on those feelings is truly none of your business and doesn’t matter anyway since it doesn’t change the outcome. The fact that these two guys happen to be twins doesn’t change anything or even make the story all that more interesting. Do you have any idea how many young girls have nursed crushes on cute sets of twins in high school? A shit load. And let’s not even get started on how many boys fantasize about hot twin sisters, please.

It’s okay that you still have feelings for these boys. It’s sweet, even. They meant something to you and were an important part of your adolescence, but, like a favorite sweatshirt or a well-loved novel, these boys belong on a shelf — a metaphorical one, in this case — where you can visit them on occasion for a nostalgic trip down memory lane but fold up and put away when you’re done. They don’t deserve any more attention that that. And you’re doing yourself a huge disservice by building up the (non-) relationships you had with these boys in your mind. You’re allowing yourself to believe what you had with them was bigger than anything you could find with someone else when, in fact, not only did you not have anything more than a friendship with these boys, but also the person you think you fell in love with — the fusion of the two brothers — doesn’t even exist in reality. He truly is a figment of your imagination in the most literal sense that you’re dressing up and calling “emotional baggage” for the sake of keeping the fantasy going.

The only emotional baggage you really have, as far as this issue is concerned, is the fear of facing present-day rejection because the rejection you felt in your past still stings. But it’s been ten years and it’s time to let it go. You had a couple of crushes, you expressed your feelings — which, good for you, that takes courage — and you were rejected (whether or not the feelings were reciprocated is beside the point; if neither boy decided to pursue a relationship with you, regardless of the reason, that’s rejection, and what you’re feeling isn’t “debilitating regret” of choices made or not made but the sting of being rejected). MOA, let go of the imaginary character you think you love, accept that rejection happens to all of us and it’s not the end of the world, and open yourself to the possibility of today.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

You need some therapy if you have debilitating regret over highschool crushes from ten years ago. He probably didn’t want to date you because you have treated him and his brother as interchangable and I imagine that would be pretty insulting to a twin.

+1000 to the therapy suggestion. No shame in it, but this regret is unreasonable, long-lasting and something the LW clearly hasn’t been able to get past on her own, so she would probably benefit from professional help to do so.

I was kind of shocked when the letter writer threw in at the end that high school was ten years ago, which puts her in her mid to late twenties. I’m baffled about why she is hung up on two guys she knew in high school who both told her they didn’t want to date her (for whatever the reason was). I could understand if something traumatic happened. But what she describes is a very typical high school experience — which most people move on from. LW, you just need to stop thinking about both of them and start with a clean slate.

WWS (especially, “this is real life, not sci-fi erotica; you can’t fuse together two twins to make one boyfriend”-perfect!). LW, you are allowing the memory of these boys to prevent you from pursuing real intimacy. THAT is what you should dwell on: why do you prefer a memory to the possibility of real affection? Once you sort through that, I think you will find that there are plenty of men in your present zip code who can surpass the memory of your high school crushes. [side note: maybe I just had particularly bad taste in high school boys, but adult Desiree would NEVER date the guys that high school Desiree had crushes on]

LW have you dated in the past 10 years? These guys may have been nice people but that doesn’t mean they’re the only ones out there. You didn’t do anything wrong by having a crush on them – you didn’t destroy anyone or play with their emotions or whatever because you never dated either of them. Maybe 10 years ago they both liked you or maybe neither liked you in that way but it doesn’t matter because there are millions of other guys out there for you to date. Don’t be hung up on them. You really did nothing wrong. Seriously.

p.s. I just watched some of the Facebook movie last night. Those Winklevoss twins are fucking creepy looking! I grew up with two sets of twins in my class in elementary school, and they never creeped me out, so I think its just this specific set of twins. Anyway, I can’t even imagine having another exact replica of me. Yikes.

WWS, all the way. LW, “debilitating regret” is not a thing you should be feeling for 2 high school friendship-crushes that never even turned into a relationship. I can bet you anything Adam & Zach are not wringing their hands over having let you go, or whatever. This was 10 years ago!

What you feel for them, at this point, is the result of being dissatisfied with your current dating life. And you seem to know this, yeah? There’s some reflection at the very end of your letter (“I realize that many of my relationship insecurities and worries are related to this part of my past”). Please stop wondering about how this romance could’ve played out if only these two brothers weren’t afraid of hurting each other (you’re not STILL talking about it with your friends, right?)

My guess is that you haven’t had many experiences following high school, leading you to remain stuck in a years-long mental loop? I’m not judging you, just saying that maybe you should take steps to remedy this. It sounds like you may need to open yourself up to new people, new places, new ideas in order to put this “baggage” in the past where it belongs.

I’m 25 and have only been recently realizing how hung up I am on high school. I had one of those lightning-bolt epiphanies a few weeks ago in which I realized I got through my entire school career without once getting a detention, suspension, or any other kind of “serious” disciplinary action … and for WHAT? Like a detention *really* would have mattered outside the bubble of school!

I’m not saying I regret being a Goody-Two-Shoes, but for me, this little revelation really underscored the point that once you’re out of high school, you can pretty much forgive & forget anything that happened while you were there and move on with your life.

I know I personally have spent way too much time dwelling on my high school bullies. When I saw my husband had friended one of them on FB a couple months ago, I had a little freakout as all those old feelings were triggered and brought right back up to the surface as if it was just yesterday.

But like Wendy said, those feelings belong on a shelf. I stalked my bully’s page, looked up a few of his partners in crime, and settled down with the knowledge that we’re all adults now, I don’t have to interact with any of them anymore, and none of what they said to me in high school matters one iota.

The fun part about being a goody-two-shoes is that the authorities (school or parents) learn to trust you so much that you can get away with an occasional bending of the rules. I definitely WOULD have gotten a detention if I’d actually been caught doing some of the things I did! Though by comparison to what I could have been doing, I was still very tame.

It’s just funny to look back at all the things we were told were important, like staying out of detention, and realizing how little consequence these things have once you’re out of school. It really is a bubble-world.

Oh my gosh, that’s so true! I was the shy, quiet student. My last year of spanish, I had to write a paper on some stupid spanish soap opera. I totally didn’t want to do it and my spanish teacher was kind of flighty. I never handed it in and when she asked me about it, I looked all innocent and told her that it was strange that she didn’t receive it and that I handed it in. She believed me and figured my grade without it. That’s one of the few times I tried to pull one over on someone.

You guys are funny (with the “I wish I’d been more of a badass!” thing). Although I guess skipping class does make for some good stories later—I used to walk right out the front door sometimes, figuring if I didn’t act sneaky, no administrator would catch me 🙂 (& they didn’t! Although I did get in trouble for other things, mainly dress code violations/being late)

Oh, I was trouble all right, especially around 14/15. But I mostly got in trouble not with the school, but with my parents. Like drawing on myself, or lying that I had an after-school club meeting and going to hang out with my boyfriend instead. Or, actually, even having a boyfriend when my parents didn’t want me dating. My dad came in and took me out of an event once because he drove around the building after he dropped me off and saw me through the window with some guy’s arm around me. I was mortified and indignant at the time but can only laugh when I look back.

I thought I was such a rebel but aside from being wildly curious about everything sexual and pushing those boundaries in every way I could, I was so tame. No drinking, no drugs, no breaking curfew, no getting in fights. And my clothing was so dorky, it never came near breaking the dress code.

Haha, yea I was not good in high school. We had this admin guy who if you flirted with him, he’d erase your absences. While I was “bad” in school, I was still on really good terms with all the teachers, etc. I remember one time my girlfriend and I were leaving at lunchtime and the security guy caught us. He told her she shouldn’t have been such a bad influence on me (as though I wasn’t the one egging her on!) and we were sent to the principal, who told her the same thing.

I get this! I’m still a little hung up on the fact that I wasn’t ready to date until I was finished college. Like, how is that even possible? How did it take me so long? I just have to remember to focus on the present.

(Commenting under my real name because I’m not signed in under TWW and I’m too lazy to do it right now.)

I’m glad to see I’m not the only one thinking about high school sometimes. I have been out for 10 years (!) almost, and the one thing I do regret is not getting involved in sports. I wanted to do field hockey, volleyball and swimming at various parts of my HS career and never followed through with getting on those teams. It kinda bums me out to think I could’ve had a scholarship and had a built-in group of friends in college and had a whole different college experience than what I did get, which is the fact that I didn’t have much of a social life and spent almost too much time working. Don’t get me wrong, I was in other clubs and had friends, but I wish things had been just a little bit different…

Also, I slept with twins (one 2-4 years after the other) & the first one wound up being pretty angry at the second one for a short time. They both got over it, though.

(Also, the fact that my twin story is completely off-topic cements how little it matters that these guys were brothers/twins, LW. Like Wendy said, “The fact that these two guys happen to be twins doesn’t change anything or even make the story all that more interesting.”)

Haha, they were actually way different in bed—the second one was better (& also, ah, more well-endowed. Although they both were pretty, pretty well-endowed now that I think about it). I’m giving the first one a pass though, since I think he was—what—19, maybe? when we were together. By the time I got at the 2nd one, he was 24 (I think? Somewhere around there!) So, you know, more experience or whatever between age 19 and mid-twenties 😉

Well, some genes are affected by environment. So if the amount/gradient of hormones was different for them while they were forming, it is possible for them to have differences even if their genetic code is exactly the same.

On threads like this, when Wendy’s advice was so perfect that I don’t usually bother with the comments… I’m so glad I’m bored today and read this. THIS is the kind of off-topic stuff I love to hear about!

Thank goodness Wendy and some of the other commentors have some compassion because, FFS. This was over 10 years ago. If you can’t get over some random unreciprocated high school crush, you have a problem. Go to therapy.

Oh LW, I have a thing for twins. I love twins. I mean, it’s twice as good, right?! There were even a few sets of twins I crushed on in high school and college. And even some that I dated or ehhem “dated.” But I can’t imagine letting a 10 year old non-relationship getting in the way of my current life. It seems to me you’ve sensationalized the possible relationship(s) with these two when in reality you don’t know what it would have been. A lot of people do that – build up a person or relationship so much that it becomes an obsession. The benefit of finally getting that person is that often you see that reality isn’t as good as the dream. You need to let it go and move on with your life.

Since this is already a tangent, let me tell you all how much I hate my cats right now. FIRST, in the process of moving yesterday I saw just how much cat hair accumulated in my apartment behind and underneath furniture. I also found their secret stash of “toys” (one actual cat toy, plus twist ties, Q tips, and assorted other goodies) underneath the TV stand. They just poop and pee and puke and shed and scratch.

THEN I had to transport them to the new place. I shoved all 3 in one carrier and loaded them up in the car. When I got to my new apartment, I took them out of the car, dropped the carrier, and it BROKE. They all scattered and I had to spend the evening chasing them down. Assholes. This was at the end of an extremely exhausting day and I was at the end of my rope. Fucking cats.

Wait, but do you zip up the bag? How do they breathe?? I know air still gets in (?) but I would feel like a monster zipping my kitties up in a bag. (Not that they don’t seem to try suffocating themselves deliberately in bags all the time)

Well, I’m just talking like a 90 second walk from the house to the car. Plus our cat will find a way to get into closed bags often so I’m pretty sure he is happy. People use pillow cases to transport animals. I’m not talking like a plastic or hardsided bag- just a cotton or canvas breathable bag.

It’s 90 seconds. We have a hard sided “official” cat carrier case we use to go the vet and such, but if we’re running out to the car for a road trip- we just stick him in a bag. He free roams in the car for long trips and I think the cotton bag is less traumatizing then his carrier because he associates that with the vet, which he hates.

Not saying this to be judgmental because I’m not a cat owner, never have been, and have no idea what it’s like to travel with them. But the thought of a cat roaming loose in the car makes me nervous. If you get in a wreck, that cat becomes a projectile and that probably won’t end well for the cat.

I’m just a bit paranoid about this kind of thing. I drove with my dog loose in the car for a long time before talking to someone at the dog park who got into a low-speed crash with her loose dog. He survived, but not without injury (and we all know how expensive it is to mend an animal). I went out the next week and got Balto a doggie seat belt that he now wears even for short trips. I’ve never been in a wreck for as long as I’ve been driving (knock on wood) but if something happened to him that I could have prevented by buckling him in, I don’t think I could live with myself.

It’s definitely a risk, but if we leave him in the crate he slams his head forcefully on the side repeatedly and won’t stop. So yeah, both options suck. I won’t drug him anymore because last time he was practicaly comatose. So, I totally understand the concerns, I have them too. But each person has to make the best decision for themselves.

When I drove across the country (twice), I let my cats roam free for most of the time. They actually do really well in the car! (Of course, I had a friend with me to keep them from getting under my feet while I was driving).

I have a horror story about drugging them…

The first time I moved I thought they would need to be drugged since they hadn’t ever spent much time in the car before that. Someone recommended that I give them a small dose of benadryl… so I did… and they immediately started foaming at the mouth, like, hardcore. I freaked out, believing I had just inadvertently poisoned my cats, so I didn’t even bother with a carrier and just rushed them to the vet. I ran in holding them and I had scratches ALL over me. I’m sure I looked nuts. Anyway, they didn’t even need to get seen by the vet because a tech told me that the foaming is just a reaction cats sometimes have to a bad/bitter taste (like a pill).

We got “special cat sedatives” or something from the vet, and the foaming happened. His eyes also rolled into the back of his head and I’m 99% sure he started running a fever. And we gave him half as much as they vet told us too. So we don’t do sedatives anymore, it terrifies me.

We’ve only put our cat in the car a few times. She clawed the hell out of her carrier, and I don’t think it’s stable enough to use it another time. When she had the kittens, we had to use a laundry basket and tape cardboard over the top of the basket to carry them all to the vet.

For short trips, we got her these calming treats. They have whatever ingredient is in turkey that makes you sleepy, and it made her relax for about an hour and a half. Then it wore off, and she got back up and almost clawed her way out of the carrier again. We won’t try Benadryl though. That’s scary.

What’s weird is that even after all that, my cats didn’t sleep. They were just all calm and floppy like rag dolls.

One time I tried “kitty calm down” (or something like that) from a pet store. I put a couple drops in their water and it just calmed them down without heavily sedating them. That was on my Vegas-to-St. Louis road trip, but they didn’t really need it since they don’t mind the car.

Ugh, story only cat lovers will appreciate: when my cat was still a baby, we’d often do hourlong car rides due to my living situation at the time. Although I did, and still do, use a carrier for her in the car, on one trip I had to use a box. I could hear her fidgeting and then it stopped. Halfway through my drive I realized that she had gotten loose from her box — and all she wanted to do was look out the window like a dog while I drove. She’s kinda awesome.

Usually I put the 2 small ones in one large carrier, and the big one in my duffel bag type carrier. HOWEVER, he has learned how to escape the bag and I didn’t want to deal with him getting loose in the car (he likes to get down by my feet/the pedals) and then having to put him back in it just to carry him up the stairs. I thought they’d be fine all in one since it was a short ride but I was obviously wrong. I was just soooo tired and sick of moving and trying to take shortcuts. Bad idea all around.

I just put the cat in the car and try to hold him in my arms, while my mom drives. It’s easier than trying to put him anywhere. Then again, my cat is a saint 😛 and he just clings to me when we get out of the car and walk 5 paces into the vet.

Can I just brag about my dog for a second because she knows how to un-zip zippers. We got really impressed (and annoyed) on thursday night when she unzipped my boyfriends backpack for the sole purpose of taking out his passport and chewing on it.

This reminds me of what happened when I took my cats to get their shots a couple of weeks ago. The one that is normally super chill decided that he’d had enough and fought until he pulled his claws out on the carrier, screamed like he was being attacked for the entire ride and then shat all over himself and the carrier while he was in my car. I’m sooo glad that my other cats were in other carriers or I would’ve had three cats covered in cat shit. Also glad that the crap didn’t get out of the carrier into my car. Ughhh. But the best part is that the vet wants me to bring him back for a dental in a couple of months. Not looking forward to THAT adventure. I almost had PTSD from this one.

Oh my god, that is like my nightmare (having all my cats get out & having to go chase them down).

I’m impressed/terrified that you put them all in one carrier though, haha. Mine get along pretty well normally (“play”-fighting instead of fight-fighting), but I think they’d kill each other if they were all in one carrier together.

Yes, take my kittens, LBH! They’re about ready to go to forever homes, and I only have one person taking one right now. I don’t have the energy to freak about it until after the wedding, but I cannot have that many cats.

Kittens are adorable and fun. I love my cat, but it’s endlessly entertaining to watch kittens learn new things. When they realize they can stand up on their back legs, or when they learn laws of physics and fall all over the place. They’re the cutest! Not bad if you don’t mind unplugging all of your lamps, hiding your shoes, and picking up poop when they forget how to use the litter box.

WWS. I could MAYBE understand if you never told some guy how you felt and wondered “what if.” But that’s not what happened. You told them and then they apparently weren’t interested. You seem to have decided that they did like you but were just shy or thought you liked their brother, but they gave you NO SIGN whatsoever. Now, I did the same thing in high school — where my friends and I decided that boys were too shy or afraid or hung up on some misinformation to explain why they weren’t asking us out, but by now, I realize that’s just excuses. If they liked you, one of them would at the very least told you that they felt the same way. I mean, you served yourself up on a platter and they both said “no thanks.” I’m not trying to be mean by emphasizing that, but you seem really hung up on this idea that they were afraid of hurting each other. And if by some chances, that WERE true, there’s nothing you can do about it.

I think you need to figure out what’s going on with you to make you CHOOSE to not get over two high school crushes. I have one of those high school stories, too, where I had a crush on a guy and found out later that he liked me also, but the difference is that I don’t care. It was over 10 years ago. When I look back at high school, I see it as the past, not as some extension of my current life. If you honestly cannot get over them, you probably need to see a therapist or something because it’s not OK to put your life on hold for this.

Also, I want to say that my friend dated two brothers who were a year apart in age, and neither of them had any qualms about it. Though the first one was pissed that she was dating the second one. My point is that high school guys often don’t have the capacity for complex thinking about ethics that we probably gave them credit for.

I HAVE A TWIN STORY! Can I share? I think I already have shared this one, though. Can I share again? Ok!

In college I met this cute guy Josh on move-in day. He was juggling a soccer ball in the court yard and SWOON I did. He was so damn cute, tall, dark hair, blue eyes, a soccer player’s build. A group of friends that included him and me formed that day. (I miss how quickly people form friendships in college, but I digress.) On day 1, I knew I had a crush on Josh, but after 2 days of being buddies I knew it was LURVE. A few days later I saw Josh sitting in a cafeteria with a few other students I had never seen before. But I knew Josh, of course. Being the brave soul that I am, I went up to him and asked if I could join. He said yes. I can’t remember exaclty how the next few minutes played out but, basically, he pretended like he didn’t know me. And I was like, “hellooooo, you’re Josh, I’m Addie, we’re friends, we all hung out last night….?!” He insisted his name was not Josh. And I insisted it was. He was acting like I was crazy. His name was Eli, he said, and everyone at the table confirmed that he was Eli. And THEY were looking at me like I was crazy too … Finally after what seemed like a million years (though maybe it was only a few minutes?) he said his name was Eli but Josh was his identical twin brother. MOTHERFUCKER! And he said he was sorry for not saying so right away but he wanted to mess with me for a little bit. Eli and I ended up dating for a little bit.

That is really cute. I had a friend in college – we were pretty good friends but not super close. I knew he lived in Miami, and I was there during a school break and randomly saw him in a bar. I went up to him all happy and waiting for him to hug and kiss me and he completely gave me this look like I was a crazy stalker and turned his back on me then walked away. I was stunned and so hurt. He lived with my boyfriend and we got along really well; I couldn’t figure out what I did to piss him off. So, two weeks later, we’re back at school after break and he sees me and runs up to hug me. I was confused and asked what the hell happened in Miami? It was his identical twin brother! WTF? I had no idea he had a twin and I still don’t know why the brother had to be a dick – I called him by his brother’s name so he knew I was simply mistaking his identity. How hard would have been to say, no I’m not Xavier, I’m his asshole twin. I feel better now that I’ve complained 20 years later!

This seems to me to be one of those situations where someone has seen too many romantic comedies and thinks romance should be filled with drama and intrigue and “the ones who got away”. Trust me, these guys were not the ones that got away – they were never even interested. I still regret the hours I spent analyzing a high school crush’s intentions and deciding that certain phrases or physical movements meant he felt the same way. But to still be hung up on it 10 years later? No. But I have to say – good for LW for biting the bullet and asking #2 out. It’s so much better than waiting and wondering.

I think this is a case of the LW not realizing that at 14 she was a child, not an adult. In the adult world friends don’t tell you if they think a guy likes you. In the adult world, the “grey zone” consists of more than just liking each other. It comes with kissing, going on dates and maybe even sleeping with each other. In the adult world we don’t have regrets from a simple little crush that amounted to nothing. In the adult world a guy liking you means more than he smiles at you and is nice to you.

Oh wowwwww. Well I hope shes 24. And as someone who is the same age as her, I can put myself in her shoes and think about guys I liked back in high school.. I haven’t thought about them in ehh.. 5 years. I have a guy friend that I’ve known since middle school who was my best guy friend who i developed a little crush on like 2 years ago, but he got a GF and that was that. Also, I’m a twin and I cannot even imagine getting with someone I knew my sister had a thing with or her getting with someone I had a thing with. NO just NO (And it would never happen because we are night and day with our differences and I don’t think a guy she dates would be the guy for me and vice versa haha) So do I think the twin thing played a part in the 2nd twin’s not wanting to get with you? Probably. He obviously knew about it and probably doesn’t want his brothers “Sloppy seconds” even though you two never really dated.

Happens all the time. There are lots of stories about a widow marrying her brother-in-law after the death of her husband or vice versa. Makes sense if you are like your sibling I think. If you have a type and like the one – why wouldn’t you like the other? I find men less up in arms about relationships with their brothers than women seem to be about their sisters. I don’t have a sister – but I imagine if an ex of mine could make her happy then I would want her happiness more than I would want dibs on the ex forever. Same is true for any girlfriends. A guy making the rounds through a crew of girls is one thing but if an ex truly had feelings for a girlfriend I’d have no problems. Might be awkward at first but – meh – so are lots of things in life.

You confessed your feelings to both of them and neither reciprocated. That’s your answer. Whether or not one or both of them have deep down feelings for you or whether that line about you liking the other brother being the problem is even true, it doesn’t matter. Neither want to pursue anything with you. So there’s nothing more you can do other than move on. Good for you for confessing your feelings and giving it a shot, but you can only meet people halfway. You can’t make someone want to be with you. Even hot twins.

Twins do strange things to people. Hey, I remain profoundly disturbed by incest… But would I like to have sex with two identical twins? Um… Yeah. Would I even just like to watch two make twins go at it? HELL YEAH! But enough about me… Lets talk about you, LW.

You do seem irrationally hung up on these twins. Just how hung up is hard to say as apparently no writer on DearWendy can construct a simple timeline… But it is time to move on, honey. You blew it. Twins deeply resent the notion that they are interchangeable… And even though that wasn’t your intention, that’s what you did…

Now one of them has NEVER had a girlfriend? Has the other? And you’re sure they’re not gay? Dig a little deeper and if you do encounter some forbidden love there… Please, do send lonely old me a video tape…

The first guy never even responded to your declaration and the second guy turned you down.And you’re worried that you’ve mishandled this in some way! It’s not easy to tell someone how you feel and risk getting rejected.I think the least the other person can do is to be honest and sensitive to your feelings. The fact that neither of them have had a relationship (if I got that right) is telling. That you haven’t either is troubling. I’m in agreement that some therapy might be beneficial.

Letters like this, about “grey zones” and whatnot reinforce my belief that it might be better if people would just be much more blunt about their feelings and interests, provided that they stop making advances as soon as the other person makes them aware that they’re uncomfortable.

(So, handsome, in shape, intelligent men, word of advice if you’re going to hit on me: Flat out telling me, “I think you’re stunningly gorgeous. I can think of ridiculous amounts of obscenely passionate things I’d like to do to you.” will likely get you a lot farther than trying to be subtle when wooing me. I have no freaking clue what to think when you’re being subtle, and I will likely assume wrong. Then we’ll both be confused.)

I’m sorry. I think my brain is wired like that of a stereotypical teenage boy. The amount of inappropriate things I think and say make my life difficult.

Yeah, I used to be all about analyzing tiny hints to see what they meant and worrying I’d miss something, but now, if someone isn’t blunt with me, then I assume they aren’t interested. And if I’m wrong, that’s their problem, not mine.

Ok, this might sound mean, but I’m just going to say it. I re-read this letter a few times and each time it made me more exhausted and frustrated. I’m sure the LW’s concern is very important to her, but I just can’t help but think, there are so many worse issues in the world that people could write to Wendy about. People grieve the deaths of loved ones, endure divorces and breakups of long term relationships, medical issues, depression, problems at work, the list goes on and on . . . And she’s writing in about unrequited crushes from high school. I know I’m being mean because my own life is an absolute mess right now — but I wish having “baggage” over a crush I had in high school was my worst problem.

I saw your post in the forums, which probably explains your frustration. Which is true. But if I were going through something serious like a bad divorce, I would probably need support and help from close friends and family rather than strangers who don’t completely know the situation and the people involved. But then there are times when anonymous advice would be more helpful, and this is probably one of them…

I think both types of advice are great, and I agree with findingtheearth about sometimes wishing my biggest issue was a 10 year old crush from high school. Frankly, I don’t think its very nice to tell someone they should turn to their friends and family, which it seems you did, when you don’t know if they even have any friends or family to turn to.

I know how you feel, Tech. I couldn’t even read the letters Wendy posted in the weeks following my assault last year. Their problems seemed so trivial. Of course, I wasn’t judging them, per se, and I certainly have had my petty problems since then! But at that particular rough time, it was frustrating to read letters about petty fights with siblings or silly unrequited crushes or god forbid someone’s wedding dilemma. So, I feel ya!

The thing about twins is: one isn’t the other. The twin bond is something that defies most other familial bonds. Even when they hate each other, they usually don’t do things to actively hurt the other. I’ve been there. With a couple of sets (brother/brother and a brother/sister set).

It’s time to move on. Even from the fantasy of “what could have been”. You admit this guy is shy and doesn’t have a girlfriend. Well… you’ve put the ball in his court. You can either choose a life of monastic devotion waiting for him, only to realize when you’re in your 40s that you made a mistake, or you can simply dust yourself off, hold your head high, and be done with it. There are plenty of guys out there. Sure, they don’t have the scorch marks from the torch you’ve carried for the last 10 years, but is that necessarily a bad thing?

Oh man, I just love that the Winklevoss Twins are real people and not just the cartoons they seem to be. Also, I think a lot of us can relate to the old high school crush that just won’t stop haunting you. But the great news is, that once you start filling your life with new memories, new happy moments, those regrets and missed opportunities start to fade. Sometimes those happy moments are romantic relationships, but they can also be victories in your career, fun nights with friends, or a new hobby. Look ahead, build up your present and your future. And soon, those twins will be a faint memory that will barely feel like yours.

Honestly women in general need to spend WAY less time worrying about why guys are rejecting them, and MOA. The response to a guy rejecting us should be “okay cool!” and literally no longer thinking of him and moving on to greener pastures. Seriously.