Do you recognize the man pictured above? No? Well, then let me fill you in.

His name is Paul Christy. He was a journeyman wrestler who worked lots of different places, for everyone from Dick the Bruiser to Randy Savage. While I am not quite sure what type of persona he had back in the territory days, I can tell you that upon his arrival in the WWF, his gimmick was that he was, as best I can tell, a Rat Pack Magician Hypnotist Apartment Building Owning Rapist.

Got all that?

Good. Then let’s begin.

Paul’s arrival in the Federation was hot.

Well, actually it wasn’t, but he did shoot little red fireballs up into the air as he made his way on to the legendary TNT show.

He would then shake “Mean” Gene Okerlund’s hand in a similar manner.

Apparently, penny-ante parlor tricks were suitable for impressing both Gene and Lord Alfred Hayes, as they geeked out in a manner worthy of Charlie Minn.

I’m not sure what any of this had to do with magic, or hypnosis for that matter. Apparently, neither did Gene who introduced another magician, who I believe he called “Jenny Lee.”

I have no idea who this Jenny Lee character was, and Gene was of no help. Best I can tell is that he somehow garnered fame by looking like the spitting image of what a lovechild of Richard Simmons and Rocky from the movie Mask.

Why this man showed up, again, I have no idea. He did no magic.

He said almost nothing.

He didn’t sweat to any oldies.

He didn’t proclaim himself from the planet Vulcan.

He did NOTHING.

So it was back to PAUL CHRISTY we went, who promised to “Program the Minds” of the audience. Apparently this plan had to do with a red box with a white bow on it, and having the audience guess what was inside.

As Paul explained for the third or fourth time that he was going to, again, “program the minds” of the folks in the crowd, both Gene and an off-screen stage hand were giving Paul the cue to wrap it up.

But this blue-eyed magician hypnotist apartment and shopping center owner who liked to vacation WOULD NOT BE SILENCED!

No longer was Gene the subject of his wrath. Heck even the studio audience was safe. No, his rage would soon be directed at the poor LJN figures on the coffee table, culminating in a rant concluding withPaul asking where his “little thing” was.

Indeed, the fact the world was denied a PAUL CHRISTY ACTION FIGURE is a crime of unspeakable proportions.

So with this segment bombing in a manner not seen since Hiroshima (you know it’s bad when the sound crew starts dropping in effects of PLANES CRASHING while you’re talking), the WWF decided to cut to a commercial.

Even Lord Alfred (or maybe I should say BORED Alfred) can apparently take no more, likely thinking how much better life would be if the Funks would show up and slather him in BBQ sauce and hang him from a tree.

Gene, for his part, attempts to stave off boredom by sticking a pen up Christy’s anus.

This is not a joke.

I wish it was, but it’s not.

Personally, that’s not an inkwell I’d dip my pen in.

Finally, we get a “pay off” as the audience has had their minds “programmed” in such a manner that they were all thinking of the six of spades.

Which is a good thing, since every card in Paul’s deck was, in fact, THE SIX OF SPADES.

Sheesh, they could have at least hid that on camera.

Blade’s “disappearing thumb trick” in Revenge of the Scorpion was better than this.

The end comes when Paul, who has now programmed Lord Alfred’s mind as well, asks his Lordship to guess a number between 1 and 1,000.

Alfred correctly guesses 555, which means either his mind was programmed or he watched way too many movies.

Either way, the audience soon has reason to cheer, as Paul makes his exit, amazingly without need of a shepard’s hook.

After such an auspicious debut, you’d expect Paul to be immediately pushed to the moon. Sadly, he was let go and never allowed to cut another interview again.

I can just picture Vince calling him into the office at Titan Towers to fire him and he starts screaming and trying to do tricks and hypnosis. No doubt restraint efforts by Gerry Brisco would soon follow, with Pat Patterson yelling, “Paul, Paul, will you justcalm down?” To which Paul would naturally respond, “SHUUUUTTT UUUPPP MOTORMOOOOUUTTHH!! LET ME TAAAWWKK!!”, followed by pleading with Vince to to think of what’s in the box as he was dragged out of the building.

Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often).
Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!