The team arranges their figurines on the map to prepare for the fight.

Dungeon Master: The two fiery bats swoop over you, and then curiously sail right past you over your heads. They continue off into the distance, toward the direction you are going.

Lucinda: Oh.

Sean, somehow bereft of context, rushes to the table.

Sean: Who’s fighting?! I’m gonna kill someone.

The DM rolls some dice behind his screen.

It’s my turn actually. After you all watch the two bats sail off, Clay, you suddenly feel your throat being grabbed by a slimy, barbed appendage. You seize up in panic. Take 11 damage and your character has been grabbed, which means you’re immobile until you wrestle out of its hold. Lucinda, you feel the same thing, you’re also being attacked. Take 8 and you’re also grabbed.

Clay: Ouch!

Lucinda looks at Kevin’s figurine on the board.

Lucinda: Haha, you’re going to get raped.

Kevin: Why?

Lucinda points out the new monster that appeared next to him.

Another clawed arm reaches out and grabs you, Kevin. You take 6 damage and are grabbed.

Lucinda: Okay, it’s my turn. What the fuck? What is happening?

You angle your head to glance at your attackers. They’re humanoid looking, but they are grayish in color. Sort of like those things from The Descent. They have very long, bendy looking arms with scary tentacle claws at the end. Lucinda, your character is grabbed, so you can try to strong arm your way out of their grab, or you can attack, just not move.

Kevin: Wait. Wait. Does anyone know what element these creatures are? Like, what would be super effective against them? Because I’m a psychic Pokémon.

Clay: These guys seem like natural creepy cave dwellers.

Sean: Use Dungeoneering.

Kevin rolls a 19.

These are called Chokers. They usually hide in the shadows and then strike at opportune times. They have really sticky tentacles that make it easy for them to grab their foes.

Kevin: Well then. I’ll use Light. On its eyes.

Aaron: You should use it on the bat, then it’ll be blinded.

Kevin: No Aaron, bats use echolocation!

Nick: Yeah, just don’t respond when it talks to you, then you’ll be invisible.

Lucinda: Okay, I’m going to do Dragon Breath.

Lucinda’s Dragon-born character uses her racial ability and blows a cone of spitting fire in the Choker’s face.

Nick: I would like to try to cut off one of his tentacles.

Nick rolls to attack. He gets a 17.

As you move in to strike, the Choker moves his grabbed victim — Kevin — in front of him, who suddenly feels a sharp pain in his back.

Nick: What?!

Nick rolls damage.

Nick: Oh shit. Well, thankfully I only rolled maximum damage, so take 16.

Kevin: Seriously? I’d rather be choked.

Nick: Don’t worry, you’re still being choked.

Daniel: And now that he’s weakened, you can steal from him too.

Kevin: I’m renaming my character “Meatshield.”

Sean: I’m attacking.

Sean’s dwarf swings his axe at the nearest tentacle monster.

The Choker blocks the attack by putting Lucinda in harm’s way.

Sean: Oh. I didn’t know that.

Kevin: Did you just do the same thing?

Lucinda: Yes… but to me…

Sean: This isn’t going to be good. I hack Lucinda for 11 damage.

Clay: Where’s the cleric? Help us. Please?

All of a sudden, from out of the darkness, two nearly human-sized flapping creatures dive down and attack the group. They are on fire, so you suspect they might be the ones you originally encountered.

Kevin: Flapping creatures are always the worst.

Lucinda: Fapping?

Nick: How does he, like, go to sleep and stuff?

Despite Kevin asking “am I dead yet?” every turn, the group manages to keep everyone alive. The bats were surprisingly easy to take down, despite being winged balls of flame. After some more stabbing issues, the heroes manage to break free from the Chokers long enough to take them down one at a time. The party decides to push on without rest. Though a little ragged, they push on deeper into the cavern.

Kevin: I use my History skill on the cave!

Aaron: Critical History hit.

It’s… rocky.

Nick: Wow, your scholarship is just… unbelievable.

So you’re walking, walking along when all of a sudden something happens. I’ll tell you what that is as soon as Lucinda, who is in front, makes a Reflex Check.

Lucinda rolls.

Okay, so you had thought you were on solid ground, but you feel the earth shift beneath you as it caves in on itself, revealing a wide hole. Had you known more about caves, you might’ve noticed that, but you just fell right through.

Nick: Was this a planned trap or just like, uh, weakness in the cave?

Kevin: I’m sorry; I just studied the history of this cave.

So Lucinda needs to make an Acrobatics Check to avoid the hole.

Lucinda: Oh fuck. I’m wearing huge armor, so I get a big penalty on this.

Lucinda rolls again. She gets a 15.

Okay, well you break some of the fall. You fall 30 feet and take 7 damage.

Lucinda: Oh. That’s not too bad.

Aaron: And then the huge spikes hit you.

Lucinda: Okay, so I land. Is this just a pit, or…

It’s a bit damp down here, a couple inches of water and a path leading into the darkness.

You make it over, but then your foot falls, but you catch yourself with your hands and pull yourself up.

Kevin: This must be an Uncharted reference.

Daniel rolls next.

You do a running jump, but then your foot trips and you fall straight down.

Daniel: Ouch.

Nick: God, you’re so bad at this game.

Okay you need to make an Acrobatics Check to break your fall.
Daniel rolls a three.

Kevin: Lucinda will break your fall. With her sword.

Nick: You land on your head. And you’re paralyzed. You’ll need a wheelchair. Roll a Physical Therapy Check.

Something like that. Take 27 damage.

Clay: Oh my god.

Daniel: I’m still alive! Barely.

Clay: I roll!

Clay rolls a 9.

Clay makes it across.

Nick rolls high.

Nick: As I cartwheel across the chasm, I yell “you suck!” at the injured people below.

Aaron rolls a 3 and falls into the pit.

Aaron: Shut up!

There are so many other things you could’ve done to get across this besides blindly jumping. Like, you could’ve thrown Clay a rope so he can stake it down and then you’d have something to hold onto. Or stake something into the rock… like, so many things.

Kevin: Ropes are for pussies!

Nick: Well said.

With the whole party either across the chasm or in pain in the hole below, they decide their next path.

Jordan Barber is proud that the internet allows him to criticize, admonish, and irritate people from his own living room. And though this immense power only comes to the few, he promises to wield his hammer of judgment with a standoffish, thoughtful outlook.

The Bygone Bureau examines modern life through personal essays, cultural criticism, humor pieces, and comics. We believe in good ideas and polished prose. The site launched in the summer of 2007, and in 2009, won the Web Award for Best New Blog at South by Southwest Interactive.