Floating through life

I've never posted in a forum before in my life, but I don't know where else to turn. I'm a military wife with 4 children, and despite outward appearances, I am a shell that feels like there is no purpose in my life.

My biggest problem that leads to my depression is loneliness. I can't talk to my husband about feelings, he doesn't understand anything I try and explain, and I obviously can't talk to my kids about it. We move a lot, about every year, so I never get a chance to make any friends. People don't usually want to invest their time in someone who will be leaving soon. I can't work when we move so often either, no company wants to hire someone who will be there less than a year.

I spend most of my days wondering what the point of my life is and if my children would be better off without me. I went over what I would write to them if I killed myself today, as well as thought up several ways I could kill myself.

I feel like every choice I have made in life has been the wrong one. Nothing I do matters and I am only prolonging my eventual death. I have nobody to turn to and if I really think about it, the world would probably be better off without me. I want to be happy again, I want to love life, but my life sucks, I don't even understand what the purpose of life is anymore, and I honestly don't think many people would care if I weren't here anymore. I'm tired of feeling like an empty hole...

Hiya NoPlace and I disagree, there is a place for us all in this world. Glad we got that one cleared up!

Depression is a illness. It needs treating and you dont mention anything about that anywhere. So are you getting any treatment is the logical thing to ask? If not, its something you need to think about. The thoughts you are having are classic symptoms of depression. So many of us here have experienced exactly the same thoughts and emotions. Sadly, they affect us all slightly differently, so what helps one person to get through wont always help another person get through. Thats the nature of this beast. Some meds work for one but not the other, so it can take time to get things right for you. But let me assure you now, you are definitely not alone at SF.

Now you have found SF and become a member here, a great many people will care if you are here or not. No one will judge you or ridicule you and if we are able to help and support you in any way, you only have to ask.

I am an army brat. (A 60+ year old one). Dad retired when I was 11. We moved a lot too. Was hard on us kids. And you are right. It is hard on the wife. But my mom got involved with ladies clubs. And, of course, took care of dad and us kids. Are there lady's activities you could get involved with. Can you be more active with the kids. How long until retirement. And one thing I can assure you, your kids would miss you very much. If my mom had ever harmed herself, my brother and I would have been devastated.