Category: Agriculture

Washington, DC: In a surprise press release today, the white house informed the world that President Trump has chosen the Swamp Thing as his new Chief of Staff. The announcement stated that the new Chief of Staff would take over the job at the beginning of the year in January.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was not available for comment and the door to her office was locked.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach both the president and the soon to be Chief of Staff however and was able to ask both of them about the surprise selection for the position.

When asked why he chose Swamp Thing as his new Chief of Staff, Trump responded;

“Andy, I have said in the past that I only hire the best people, and I still do. The west wing is a bubbling bigly smelly swamp of creatures already, so I picked the best man or plant, not sure what he is really, for the job.”

“He will bring a new atmosphere to the slimy mess around here, that’s for sure. Melania is not too crazy about how he dresses or the way he smells, but hey, I’m the boss around here.”

“Besides, no one else wanted the job for some reason.”

When Mocksham spoke to the Swamp Thing, he asked him why he wanted to be the Presidents Chief of Staff while so many others are abandoning the administration, and what will be the changes he plans to make if any. He answered;

“Andy my old friend, this job is perfect for me. Washington DC was built on an old swamp and has been nicknamed a swamp for decades. The current administration has been making the waters even murkier and I feel that it’s finally my time to serve.”

“Changes? Sure, I plan quite a few changes around here. But as much as I love your real fake news, I’m not going to tip my hand before I get sworn in.”

“I will only say this for now. The white house swimming pool has been turned into a slimy swamp, just for starters. I need to freshen up with a good swim in dark murky waters with my swamp friends a few times a day. The President has taken a few swims in it already and he really enjoys it, he seems quite at home in it. Besides, he needs the exercise.”

“Nobody around here wanted to swim in the old pool anyway, too much chlorine.”

President Trump enjoying a swim in the newly renovated white house swimming pool

While visiting the devastation wrought by wildfires in California yesterday, President Trump lashed out at those whom he said were responsible for the increase in deadly fires across the USA, especially the western states.

“These bigly fires are only happening because of the low energy of the US Forest Service and their director Smokey Bear. He is way too old and needs to start cutting down some trees. He spends all his time out there at parades and national parks sucking up to celebrities. I know because I was one of those celebrities. He needs to get to work chopping down those damn trees so that they won’t catch fire and kill people.”

Smokey Bear, 74 years old, agreed to chat with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham after the president’s media opt. He defended himself, the US Forest Service and trees.

“Hi Andy, it’s good to see you again. I respect the president, but his words are very incendiary. Yes, I am 74 years old but I am just a mascot. I don’t actually do any wildfire prevention myself, never have. My job is to increase the awareness of the problem so that everyone who lives in the forest or around grasslands, including my many animal friends can be safe.”

“The trees and grasslands are also not the problems here. There is some debate about whether we need to allow some small fires to prevent bigger ones, that’s true, but selling off the national forests to logging companies is not the answer either.”

Davos, Switzerland: The White House today confirmed a new trade deal with China that would relocate the Great Wall to the US-Mexico border as the world economic forum in Davos Switzerland winds down.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Davos and was able to speak with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

She would not take any questions but made a statement.

“Jesus Christ Mocksham, how do you find this stuff out.”

“Look, this deal is going to make all other trade deals obsolete. China does not need the damn wall anymore, so they let us have it for free in exchange for moving all remaining US manufacturing jobs to China.”

“It’s a win-win for us, we get our border wall and no one has to pay for it. Also, since the US will no longer have any messy polluting manufacturing jobs left, the environment will get better.”

“The flood of cheap Chinese made American products imported back to the US will create new retail jobs here in the states at Amazon warehouses to offset the loss of manufacturing jobs.”

“Plus, the Great Wall is quite the sight and will generate billions in tourist dollars for the states along the border.”

“While the rest of the world gets suckered into useless trade deals like the TPP, we are busy making America great Again Mocksham, one great wall at a time.”

Washington DC: The department of homeland security today said that a domestic terror group of wild turkeys is threatening to disrupt shipping all across the USA during the busiest time of year for commerce. The group calls itself T.U.R.K.Y.

Homeland security says that their announcement correlates with a series of daring attacks across the USA on delivery drivers from the Postal Service, FedEx, and UPS. In their most brazen attack to date, a FedEx cargo jet had to abort takeoff after a large flock of wild turkeys flew into its path. Surveillance video footage shows wild turkeys stealing packages placed on front porches by delivery drivers all across the USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham met up with the leader of the T.U.R.K.Y. terror group, Jake Butterball, at a secret location. He asked him why wild turkeys were disrupting commerce.

“We turkeys have been getting plucked and feathered by the man for far too long Mocksham.”

“It first started way back when Benjamin Franklin wanted to make Wild Turkey the symbol of the new country and was overruled in favor of the Bald Eagle. Then the man began to capture us and domesticated us for profit.”

“The final straw was when the man started to promote Christmas and all of that rampant consumerism right after Halloween. Thanksgiving is our time to be honored by the man, and he mocks us with Christmas.”

“We, the warriors of T.U.R.K.Y. will never let that happen! GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE, GOBBLE.”

T.U.R.K.Y. leader Jake Butterball

T.U.R.K.Y members blocking delivery trucks

Members of T.U.R.K.Y jumped in front of this vehicle on icy roads causing this crash.

FedEx cargo jet aborts takeoff after members of T.U.R.K.Y flew into it’s path.

Morton, Illinois: Federal officials from the FDA and Homeland security placed an emergency recall on GMO pumpkins that have attacked several people in the Midwest USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was dispatched to the pumpkin capitol of the world, Morton, Illinois, to investigate this gruesome, frightening story.

Mockshams investigation uncovered some startling details about genetically modified pumpkins that have not been approved by the FDA. A large local pumpkin grower, Jack Lantern, is believed to have modified the DNA of prized local pumpkins with that of the deadliest fresh water fish on earth, the Piranha.

Mocksham was only allowed a short interview with Mr Lantern.

“Nice to finally meet you Mocksham. Nice jacket and hat by the way. OK, my 12 year old daughter is a genius. She loves pumpkins and for some reason, Piranha. I thank Animal Planet for that. Anyways, she discovered a gene in a very deadly species of Piranha that makes them aggressive towards its traditional pests out in the rivers of south America during breeding season.”

“She took that gene and spliced it into the genes that produce the same response in pumpkins and other gourds during their breeding season. It’s as simple as that.”

When asked if they did any trials before selling the GMO pumpkins, Lantern responded;

“Of course we did. It worked flawlessly. We used no pesticides whatsoever and our crop quadrupled. For the first time we were able to get our organic application and begin the process to get certified.”

“It was like a miracle until two days ago when the shit hit the fan and people who purchased them started to get attacked and become dismembered.”

“We were just about to modify giant pumpkins with the same genes right before Homeland security shut us down.”

“Damn, that would have been just ghastly if an army of giant flesh eating pumpkins ever got loose.”

“I guess this explains the disappearance of several field workers the last two harvesting seasons. We thought they were just afraid of Trump and ICE. Guess the joke is on us. Whoops.”

Washington, DC: The Trump administration celebrated national 4:20 day by openly smoking marijuana for the first time. The President decided to embrace the future for at least one day but vowed to bring back all of the old destructive “War on drugs” lunacy as soon as everyone “becomes assholes again” after mellowing out for 24 hours.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions, an avid 19th-century prohibition enthusiast, met up for a one on one with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham for a Q & A at the White House. When asked how he liked cannabis, Sessions responded: