Jeez. I don’t even know where or what to start with. I haven’t written in so long and so much has been going on. I have this tendancy to think every single damn detail of what’s been happening is crucial to share… it irritates most people and I used to think it was just one of my little annoying traits. Turns out, my therapist says it is PTSD related. My brain can’t tell the difference between essential and non-essential information. So, bear with me.

I’ve been keeping my distance from WP because there were some big changes happening in my life, new realizations and issues, and it all was just too overwhelming and sometimes painful to deal with long enough to write about it. But I love my blog, I love the people here, and it’s time to get back… tonight I decided, no time like the present.

I’ve written before about wanting to have kids but being unsure about many things in that regard due to my health. Sorry if I repeat any health info, but I can’t remember right now what I’d shared and what I hadn’t. Shortly after my surgery last year to have my illeostomy, I noticed my periods were abnormal and extremely painful. I went to the OB/GYN here, and after some ultrasounds and MRIs she told me my fallopian tubes were about 5 times too large. There was inflammation and some other things going on that basically meant the ONLY way I could possibly get pregnant was if the tubes came out, then we would have to try IVF. But the advice, because of my previous difficult surgeries, was to have a complete hysterectomy when I had surgery. There was no rush… I had time to consider some things.

A very dear friend of mine had offered to be a surrogate if I needed. We already knew pregnancy would be difficult because of the continuing health issues and all the scar tissue. So at this point, it became sort of the plan. Both my husband and I felt though, that I had to have some improvement in my mental and physical health before we jumped into anything. I’d looked at the numbers and I knew the cost of surrogacy would be an issue… but I clung to it anyway… because it just had to work out. I could not imagine what my life and future would be without having a family. And I wasn’t going to let money be the thing that kept me from it.

I was positive that with this plan, I’d get my damn butt off the couch and start to take care of life so that I could prove I could take care of a kid. It seemed so obvious to me that if I wanted that the most, then it would be enough to overcome the difficulties I was feeling just with day to day life. But it didn’t really work that way. For months I sat surrounded with the same mess everyday telling myself I was going to get it together. In the mean time, my periods got much worse, and so did my IBD.

I now have small bowel inflammation, though they don’t know for sure if it’s Crohn’s. But I had to go back on Humira, and I started on Imuran (now I’m on 6mp)… these are chemo-type drugs and they warn extensively against getting pregnant. But the drs said I should still be able to do IVF with the surrogate. So I clung to it. But as time passed and I watched my sister take care of her two daughters… as I tried to keep up with my neices for just a weekend at a time… I finally had to accept some things. I wasn’t any closer to feeling healthy enough to take care of a baby, and the reality was that we were never going to be able to afford it. And I realized at the same time that I had always known this… I’d just been unable to face it.

So we came to a decision that it was time to have the hysterectomy. If I ever get as healthy as I’d like, then adoption may be in our future… but right now… it’s out of my hands. I hated making the decision, but also knew without a doubt it was the right one.

Still… I grieved.

I had my hysterectory Oct 21st. I was DETERMINED to be out of the hospital in 9 days or less. I had already gotten tickets to see Bo Burnham in SLC on the 31st and I had been looking forward to it for MONTHS. No way was I going to miss this show. And the drs were sure it would be a 2-3 days stay… hmm but guess what.

My colorectal surgeon always referrs to my abdomen as being a very “hostile” environment. They had 6 HOURS scheduled for my surgery because based on previous experience, she (my CRS assisted) expected to have to remove a lot of scar tissue. It was still a mess in there, but they finished in 4 hours, so that was good. And I was doing really well for the first few days. Then, the night before I was supposed to be released, all hell broke loose. I was up ALL night throwing up. I don’t think I have ever in my life thrown up that much. It just kept coming. I didn’t sleep at all (neither did my poor husband!). And it just kept going. After that night, I couldn’t even keep the clear liquid diet down. I’d developed what they call a post op ileus. Which basically means my digestive system shutdown. Not really a huge surprise. 6th surgery in 4 years and they’ve all followed this pattern, worse each time. HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT! (There were actually a lot of nightmarish aspects to this hospital stay but I’m not going to get into it all.) Bottom line- I did get released on the 31st… but I still couldn’t eat or drink and hadn’t in days. They sent me home on TPN- which is basically a “portable” IV (a PICC line) to “feed” me all my calories and such.

Needless to say I missed Bo Burnham.

I actually just came off TPN a couple of days ago. Still having trouble eating regularly, but we decided it was time to try it. Doing ok so far, still taking lots of nausea meds, sleeping a lot, etc. But the last 2 months have completely passed me by. I feel kind of lost right now. I’ve been trying to catch up on other people’s blogs… but I still get really overwhelmed easy. So, I’m sorry for such an extended absence. I know it’s understandable, but I’m sorry for myself and all I have missed. Gonna try to be back more often though. (I know, I say this a lot… Doing my best!)

Still so fucking sad I didn’t get to see Bo. I think that depresses me more than any thing else about that hospital stay. Oh fucking well. (I added that last fuck for you CC! haha)

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying', and if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did'." ~ Jack Handey