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NBA star Allen Iverson is scheduled to be arrested in
Philadelphia today. He has tremendous natural talent, a
combustible temper, and he's always quarreling with reporters.
He's so much like Ted Williams it's no surprise he's going to the
cooler.

French President Jacques Chirac was the intended target of
an assassin Sunday while riding in an open-top motorcade in a
Bastille Day parade. The apprehended shooter was a neo-Nazi.
After six hours of brutal interrogation, France surrendered.

West Palm Beach held a mock election Saturday to test their
new touch-screen balloting machines. Let's hope it's faster than
the old system. The latest returns from the presidential election
show Bush still leading Dukakis by fourteen hundred votes.

SEC Chairman Harvey Pitt vowed Sunday that his agency will
aggressively hunt down insider traders on Wall Street. The easy
money is over. Nowadays, the only legal way to beat the market is
to join the Los Angeles police and arrest it.

Inglewood's mayor Sunday called for community calm following
the videotaped beating of a black teenager by cops. Los Angeles
is on alert. To prevent any looting, officials may close down the
Pacific Stock Exchange for the rest of the week.

President Bush said Saturday what the economy needs is the
restoration of confidence in the integrity of business leaders.
The solution won't be pretty. Only one thing will satisfy the
public right now, and that's mandatory steroid testing for all
CEOs.

The Environmental Protection Agency decided Sunday to cut
back a water clean-up program that would require the dredging of
Lake Michigan. It's a wise move politically. President Bush
risks losing the labor vote in the next election if he disturbs a
union burial ground.

The Washington Times reports that Yasser Arafat just
transferred $5 million in Palestinian government money to his
wife's private account in Paris. It's the only exit strategy that
makes sense. The U-boats to Argentina don't run during hurricane
season.

The Pentagon Sunday unveiled new weapons to defend America
in the War on Terrorism. Engineers are designing pilotless
aircraft with a hypersonic missile that can knock out a rocket
launcher six hundred miles away in fifteen minutes. It seems like
a lot of expense and trouble just to get around racial profiling
at the airport.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements,
please click here.