Secrets Of The Earth Women

You are a martian. You want to learn about earthlings. You consult the most reliable source of information about the true nature of the human species: the supermarket magazine stand.

You notice right off that human females vastly outnumber males. Either that, or few males of the species are able to read.

Those males who can read are obsessed with something called ``Chevys,``

which seem to be personal transportation devices decorated with busty human females; something called ``body building,`` a process by which the standard human frame is enlarged through a combination of drugs and strenuous activity; and baldness.

So. That leaves the human female, apparently a voracious consumer of words and pictures printed on shiny rectangular pages.

You leaf through these pages, your antennae down so as not to attract earthling attention. You learn the following:

- Earth females have an abundance of body mass. While the acquisition of body mass by Earth males through the aforementioned ``body building`` is considered desirable, the acquisition of body mass by Earth females through what is called ``overeating`` is a source of extreme anguish.

- Earth women have ``thunder thighs`` and ``tree-trunk ankles.`` They are addicted to food. They want to diet the easy way. They want pretty clothing in sizes 14 and up.

- They paint their bodies with special potions such as ``undereye circle concealer.`` They coat their dull, drab hair with a mixture of avocado, olive oil and baking powder.

- Earth women are tired. Besides performing the above corrections to their physical persons, they are employed; they cook; they clean; they pilot automobiles filled with offspring.

Yet they apparently have enough time to make afghans; build window cornices; redecorate their homes; make holiday gifts like brocade telephone book covers; and prepare special nutrition items such as glazed broccoli melange, rum fruit balls and homemade dog biscuits.

They have enough leisure time to give their homes a ``holiday glow,`` a process that, according to McCall`s, involves painting front doors (``perhaps in a new color-say, geranium red or daffodil yellow``); cleaning shower curtains; checking table glasses (``Are they sparkling?``); and putting fresh light bulbs in lamps (``Experiment with higher wattage``).

- Earth females worry about their offspring. They want them to have good health and high self-esteem. They don`t want them to have sex. They want advice on how to stop them from holding their breath until their faces turn purple.

They must assist their children in such crucial tasks as finding their

``backpacks`` and ``clean socks`` in the morning, without which they cannot leave their dwellings.

To help them do so, they consult such instructions as an exhortation in McCall`s titled ``Winning Strategies for Getting the Whole Family Dressed, Fed and Out the Door on Time.``

This missive reveals a curious paradox: While Earth females are tired, they do not need sleep. One of the ``winning strategies`` is a suggestion that the female first awaken early to dress herself. Another is that she stay up late the night before to begin preparing a school-day ``special breakfast treat`` for the cubs.

The recommended treat is an elaborate ``mini Southwestern-style banquet`` consisting of ``Breakfast Sangria`` made with non-alcoholic rose wine,

It is unclear what the male of the species is doing while the female is preparing the mini Southwestern-style banquet. The Earth male is not among the ``winning strategies`` described.

Indeed, the Earth male is a source of perpetual wonderment and dismay to the female of the species.

Earth males never want to talk. They spend inordinate amounts of time watching other adult males play children`s games on video entertainment equipment. They hog the ``zapper,`` a device provided with such units to spare humans the exhausting task of rising and changing the channel.

Males flirt. They cheat. They snore. They can`t make a commitment. They dump loyal women for ``bimbos.`` They are ``creeps.``

Moreover, after more than 100,000 years of practice, the human species still has not mastered the act of sexual coupling. Males are not tender enough. Or they are too tender, not adventurous enough.

Fortunately, such differences may not matter. According to one of the few words-bound-into-shiny-paged-booklets aimed at males, Men`s Health, both males and females are too busy and too tired to engage in sexual coupling.

- Earth females are confused. They turn for guidance to written examinations offered in their magazines.

They test their personalities; they test their love; they test their

``happiness potential``; they test their ``compatability quotient.`` They consult a ``Boost-Your-Self-Esteem Workbook.``

You raise your antennae. You do not buy words and pictures bound into shiny-paged booklets. The other humans seem to put them back in the rack as soon as they are ready to buy their groceries.

On your way out, you notice a woman standing in line with several wailing whelps in the throes of sugar deprivation clinging to her like Velcro.

You rearrange some nearby molecules into a bottle of ``undereye circle concealer`` and levitate it her way. You head for your spaceship, and plan to nap all the way home to Mars.