Shooting down the straightaway at speeds in excess of 200 km/h, a fearsome roar of a high-strung turbo I4, unmuffled and brutal, echoed off the mountainside, the driver grabbing for fifth gear as the raced by observer. The speed was nothing short of amazing, and the FC driver had a pretty good look at the vehicle - yet still couldn't make heads or tails of the primer-black rat rod that became of this hatchback. It was the spitting image of an AE86, yet was not the car.

I agree, this revamped chapter is much better... Save for the typing errors. Unbelievable how you can misspell the name of your very own character, several times no less. XDI also like the small inside jokes and how you portrayed Ryousuke in this story. As well as Masato. I like Masato's attitude better now.

It's hard to judge from the prologue, but it looks interesting. I wonder what will be Matsuda's reaction to seeing proper touge racing. I'm interested how it'll develop further, a non-gaijin fic is something pretty unDoriish. Actually I did initially think it's a Tsukihime/Melty Blood crossover (my mind made me read the title as Kohaku Heikou), but well... it still seems interesting. Keep it up. ^^

Ease up on the adjectives, Ace. I know you're trying to sound better than the usual fanfic writers, but you're smacking us over the head with some ponderous writing here.

For example...

QUOTE

It was just another mostly-quiet morning in Akina, as darkness still had a full cloak over the amazing landscape of this relatively undeveloped town.

Reworked.

QUOTE

It was quiet in the early hours. The sun had yet to rise, and so the town of Akina slumbered amidst the untouched countryside.

Instead of slamming my readers over the head with factual detail like a documentary, I leave the undeveloped nature of the town to be implied with my words. It is, of course, quiet, not 'mostly' quiet or "slightly" quiet - too many descriptors before your adjectives make for a very ponderous read.

初コメントGET!![First comment GET]*shriek* This is the best of Heiko Sen I've seen thus far. I really hope you continue this story for a long time. This brings out the best of Iketani, and you really do an awesome job of it!!MOAR PLZ

Iketani, with all his focus, concentration and drive charged in hard. You wore your tires thin trying to run away, but this is where the fight is decided! Being this close behind you at the end clears mour team of 'fraud' status, but it isn't enough! You caused so many hardships for our team by spreading those rumors, Nakazato... the payback starts here! Iketani nosed in, crawling beside the exhausted R33 at the last possible second. This is what the speed stars are really made of~!

So that part made it to the final chapter... yay! Race scene is top notch, comprehensive and interesting, you've came a long way, Dori. Iketani's character got developed in a curious way too, can't wait to see how it'll affect later story arcs.

I did my edit of chapter one. There were a bunch of things I wanted to change but figured were the right of the author (Cobra radios, *86 voicemail, observers interchanging Skyline/R33/GT-R on the radio for the description of Nakazato's car, etc), so I left them alone. The one thing that I know is a factor of the author which I changed is 'Zetto'. Dori, there's no car called a Zetto. It's not a Fairlady Zetto, Dori. 'Zetto' is how the Japanese pronounce the letter 'Z'. It's a Fairlady Z. A Z. The chapter has been edited to correct this mistake.