Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Once upon a time,in a land far away,a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin' think so!

This is a *tehe...sorry* to the men, especially Human Bean...this is ladies week for jokes!

Three newly-wed men were sitting together in a bar, bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania, and he bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Indiana. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from South Carolina. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Monday, November 28, 2005

On November 8, Comes a Horseman broke into the Top 100 Thrillers on Amazon.com, nestled among novels by David Baldacci, Lee Child, and Dean Koontz.

Robert Liparulo does a masterful job of creating a fast-paced, page-turner as he weaves an intense plot.

FBI agents Brady Moore and Criminal Psychologist Alicia Wager are accustomed to grisly crimes like the so-called Pelletier Killings. Gruesome murders without patterns are occurring all over the United States. Brady and Alice follow the killer's trail, but are unable to decode the ritualistic clues left behind after each slaughter.

Brady and Alice stumble onto an obscure lead that exposes an age-old conspiracy extending from the US to the Vatican to Jerusalem to Canada's Northwest Territories. When these ancient prophecies link the victims, the wrath of the killers turns on them. Reeling from a series of attempts on their lives, they follow a scant trail of evidence that leads them to Luco Scaramuzzi, the charismatic Italian ambassador to Israel-a man of near limitless power and incalculable wealth. A devoted network of followers fulfill his every desire and await the day that his power will be unleashed on an unsuspecting world.

Eventually, Brady and Alicia learn the secret that can bring him down. If only Brady can act before his own anger and confusion burn him up. If only Alicia can accept a truth that contradicts her strongest belief. Their ensuing battle for survival and truth keeps us guessing until the very last page.

In other NEWS: The movie rights to Robert Liparulo's upcoming novel Comes a Horseman have been optioned to Mace Neufeld, a producer with an extraordinary record of turning novels into hit movies. Neufeld orchestrated such blockbuster book-to-film adaptations as Tom Clancy's The Sum of All Fears, Clear and Present Danger, Patriot Games, and Hunt for Red October; Nelson DeMille's The General's Daughter; Clive Cussler's Sahara; and Stephen Coonts' Flight of the Intruder.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

THIS IS A TRUE FEMALE JOKE THAT WOMEN LOVE.... AND MEN WILL PASS IT ALONG TO A WOMAN WHO WILL LOVE IT:

A WOMAN WAS SITTING IN A BAR ENJOYING AN AFTER WORK COCKTAIL WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS WHEN AN EXCEPTIONALLY TALL, HANDSOME, EXTREMELY SEXY MIDDLE-AGED MAN ENTERED. HE WAS SO STRIKING THAT THE WOMAN COULD NOT TAKE HER EYES OFF HIM.....

THE YOUNG-AT-HEART MAN NOTICED HER OVERLY ATTENTIVE STARE AND WALKED DIRECTLY TOWARD HER. (AS MOST MEN WILL DO).

BEFORE SHE COULD OFFER HER APOLOGIES FOR SO RUDELY STARING, HE LEANED OVER & WHISPERED TO HER: "I'LL DO ANYTHING, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, THAT YOU WANT ME TO DO, NO MATTER HOW KINKY, FOR ONLY $20.... ON ONE CONDITION." (THERE WAS ALWAYS CONDITIONS).

FLABBERGASTED, THE WOMAN ASKED WHAT THE CONDITION WAS. THE MAN REPLIED: "YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO IN JUST THREE WORDS". (Controlling, huh?)

THE WOMAN CONSIDERED HIS PROPOSITION FOR A MOMENT, THEN SLOWLY REMOVED A $20 BILL FROM HER PURSE, WHICH SHE PRESSED INTO THE MAN'S HAND....ALONG WITH HER ADDRESS.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painlessremoval the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, theEpilStop, and now . . The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work,fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had thethought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours:maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, Imean bathroom.

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, youjust rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it onyour leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of stringinstruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?

I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined somaybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften thewax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heatthe Son of a Gun to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, yeah right.

(Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull.OK,so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this!

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the rightside on my bikini line, covering the right half of my HOO-HA andstretching up into the inside of my right butt cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)

I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!!I'm blind! Blind from the pain!Vision returning.Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Anotherdeep breath. And RIIIP!

Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?Do I hear crashing drums?OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my waxcovered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glorythat is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympicgold medallist.

But why is there no hair on it?Why is the wax mostly gone?Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I seehair - the hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silentlyshout, "nooooooo!!"

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body thatis now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next bigmistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on thetoilet. I know I need to move, to do something.

So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of thecell door.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out whatI should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottestwater I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipeit away, right? Wrong.

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to tortureprisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now theonly thing worse than having your goodies glued together is havingthem glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub.In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the tub.

I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school sosurely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It'snever good to start a conversation with "So my a$$ and hoochie are stuckto the tub. She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppresslaughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the a$$ - "Arewe talking cheek or exit, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hidethe giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call thenumber on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for wherethe wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line atXX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire Hoo-Ha sealed shut we'd justput them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth.

While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping thewax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodiesthan covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water andTHEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned toother subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is thelotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and startscreaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulationsfrom C and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that thehair is still there. So I shaved the stuff off. Heck, I was numbby that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.

Monday, November 21, 2005

This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log ofSarasota, Florida...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...

For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat!

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Hey, you writer's, I found a new tool over on Brandilyn Collin's blog. It's called a Gender Genie. It will tell you if the dialogue is written from a male or female point of view. That's good when your a woman trying to write man dialogue or visa versa!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing He said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God answered.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?"

"Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having a fruit break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" asked the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,

what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said in the first place.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

7. Just when you redecorate their room into a nice TV room, they show up with boxes, suitcases and large dogs, to move back home.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything on board in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans."

"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls."

"However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls!"

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls."

"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard."

"Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!"

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'."

"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional."

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah whined.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly, "I don't have to. The government already has!"

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I thought this was hysterically funny. Talk about determination. These were sent to me via e-mail, so this bear isn't mine, but it reminded me of a bear story.

One evening, several years ago I was driving home from a Saturday night service. We live in the country and there are no light poles on the roads. (Hmm, imagine that. Someone once told me that she didn't like driving on my road because it was too dark. I told her to come up in the daytime or wait till the full moon, but then she might have to deal with wolves.

After I peeled her fingers out of the skin on my arm, I told her I was just kidding....yea, right! But I digress.....

Anyhow...driving home...dark....no moon....only headlights to illuminate the road in front of me and with high beams on, and no discernable difference, I remembered, only too late, that I had followed a car on a wet, muddy road (because of a tractor that had been in a muddy field). My headlights were giving off about as much light as the penlight in my glove compartment that I hadn't fed a new battery in about two years.

As I climbed the hill, up to the Fire Station (it's a landmark), the dark road seemed to disappear as the light that enters a black hole (like I've seen one and can describe the vision!) I slowed down (something I'm fairly unfamiliar with) and the road sat up. Well, not the road but the BIG bear that was crossing the road.

I stopped rolling, about four feet from it. Hey it didn't want to move and I wasn't going to get out and shoo it off the road! It stood up on it's hind legs and looked at me. Now I'm looking out the windshield, up a hill, and I can't quite see the top of this bear's head.

The only thing I could think to do, with my mouth hanging open, was lay on the horn (boy that has a habit of getting me in trouble) At that point in time I was asking myself if my brain was attached to my body. This bear could tear the hood of my car apart.

Luckily, the bear decided it had enough of the annoying little car and it wandered off into the park beside the Fire Station.

I proceeded home with my heart in my throat and after parking my car in the garage (it took four tries to get into a space that I've been parking in, for the last twenty years. I ran into the house and greeted my husband with arms raised and open wide, exclaiming, "Bear, BIG BEAR!!!"

He looked at me unconcerned and said, "Honey, we live in the country. Where do you expect them to live, down on Court Street?"

Monday, November 07, 2005

A recap of the weekend....I lost my voice for two days. Ate a lot of great food, including white chocolate chip and macadamia nut cookies, and got crowned (We all did!) I'm behind in NaNoWriMo. I took my laptop with me, but only reached 8557 words. Lots of words to write this week.

Other than that, like the two silent days....words fail me! But then as a writer I've learned that a picture is worth a thousand words....

Friday, November 04, 2005

I'm leavin' on a jet plane....no not really, but my best friend Bonnie drives fast enough that if I close my eyes, I think we've lifted off. Really, that's her name! There are three Bonnie's in my church. Pastor says, at least when he says Bonnie SOMEONE answers him!

I'm leaving Friday after work to go on retreat with 40 women from Church! Yikes! :-) We're going to learn how to act like ladies and be feminine (fat chance) So we'll be getting facials, and our nails done, and learning how to wear scarves and jewelry...Please kill me now! Shhh...don't tell anyone but we're going to get tiaras to wear, 'cause we're to think of ourselves as princesses! I'll take the poke in the eye with a sharp stick, now...sigh!

Thankfully, I like all of our ladies and the Montrose Bible Conference in Pennsylvania is a fabulous place with exceptionally good food!

I'm taking my laptop, so I won't get behind on NaNoWriMo. See ya' in the funny papers! Back on Sunday!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

How's everyone doing on their writing projects for the month? I have found that either you love NaNoWriMo or you don't.

I love being required to write each and every day. There really isn't any pressure because the gustapo are not going to come and carry me off to a Siberian gulag if I don't finish. It's just a race against ME! I've spent thiry years playing beat the clock, so this fits my personality. What I had to wrap my little brain around was the fact that this isn't expected to be a finished, ready to hand into a publisher, version.....it will be a first draft....Wheeee!!! The whole manuscript will wind up being about 80,000 to 90,000 words, but this will be a great start.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Hmmm...what to do? What to do? My days are being taken over by writing! Never mind that I'm a seamstress, by trade. Who needs to get married anyhow? I need to write! I've taken to carrying my laptop to the shop with me. That signaled trouble in the first place. Why sew when I can roam the Blogs?

Well, my dear pixie friend Mimi wants the poopie story next, as an Animal Escapade. It was funny when it happened while we were IMing. But I don't know....if skating across my kitchen floor with a bare foot imbedded in a present from my delinquent dog, ramming my head into the refrigerator (that's how I ended the brown slide) and then hurriedly wiping my foot with a paper towel and spraying it with Fabreeze (love that stuff) because Mimi was still on IM, holding while I was getting another glass of ice tea....is funny now.

That run-on sentence has seventy-two words in it. That must be a new record! Poop...this is one hundred and ninety nine words that I could have used for NaNoWriMo! I just love saying that word...It reminds me of something Mork from Ork would have said. NaNu..NaNu!