It's Been 3 Years Today.

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

********Trigger Warnings: Miscarriage/Death********

I'm not even sure where to begin with this one. Or whether it will even be posted. I've tried typing, writing poetry, but nothing seems to convey the pain that I feel; I'm not sure anything ever could.

3 years ago, I lost a baby. To 99% of you, this will be news. Even to the people I love most, the people I trust with my life, I kept this from you. Not because I didn't want to tell you; I did, more than anything. I'm sure any woman who's had a miscarriage understands the guilt and shame that you feel when you lose a baby. I hadn't even known I was pregnant until I started miscarrying, which for me, left me plagued with guilt. Had I been drinking? Had I been abusing my body? Had I killed my own baby? Thoughts that still haunt me now, 3 years later.

I told two people when it was happening. I chose badly. One said, "Oh, my ____ lost a baby a lot further down the line, at least it didn't happen then". Another said, "Are you sure you're even miscarrying? Think you should be worrying more about the partner". I shut down after that. I understand that people say things because they think they're being helpful but when I'm trying to cry silently, clutching my stomach in pain and watching what could have grown into a newborn baby leave my body, you don't want to hear those things. And they are the comments that have stopped me talking about it for three years.

I went to the doctors on my own, discussed it with them, went through the usual procedures and over time, told my sister and my god-mum. Both who gave me a very stern telling off as to why I didn't tell them. One person I still haven't told is my mum. I'm not sure why but she was always the hardest. Funny really, as she would have been the most understanding and loving; but she was the person I wanted to be proud of me and even now, I'm still ashamed of this.

I'd watched people around me go through it, comforting them in any way I knew how - but you can never know the pain, physically and emotionally, until it happens to you. Never question someone when they tell you they're going through it, never compare to someone else's miscarriage (quite frankly, I almost shouted: "I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT SOMEONE'S ELSE'S BABY - THIS ONE WAS MINE"), never make someone feel like their emotions aren't important: just support them, love them, be there for them.

I cope so much better than I used too. I still think about my baby everyday, of course I do. "Oh, they'd be 2 years old now", "oh, they'd be starting nursery now" but that's normal and I'm hoping now I've finally talked about, things will get easier. It's just this one day a year where my baby completely takes over my brain, and that's the least they deserved.

Guilt plagues me everyday,That I didn't do enough to make you stay,I never got to name you, or lay you on my chest,Now you're in a better place, I hope it's for the best.I didn't know you were inside me,Growing by the day,The first time I realised, was whenYou were taken away.I clutched at my stomach,I couldn't take the pain,If I could hold you just once,I'd do it all again.It's been 3 years since I said,My first goodbye,The last never seems to come,No matter how hard I try.You were tiny when I lost you,The size of a pea,That made little difference,You belonged inside of me.Not a day goes by when I,Don't think of you,You were my future,I hope you loved me too.I'll probably never be a "mum",Although you're not to blame,3 years still feels too soon,It just wouldn't be the same.

One thing that really helps me when I feel alone is books, yet no books (particularly YA books) contain miscarriages. If you know any, please send me recommendations; it would really help this girl out.