Some people simply bring out the best in you and others, well, pretty much the worst. But what is that worst? Why do certain people irritate us so much? A parent, workmate, or even a long-term friend will often end up the subject of our annoyance, our disdain, since those that we spend time with will sooner or later display character traits that we see as faults of theirs, rather than our own. “You’re a hypocrite”, they may say. “First remove the plank of wood from thine own eye, and only hence will you see clearly to remove the speck of sawdust from your brother’s”. At first glance, this would appear to be an invitation to check your own, apparently much larger failings. But in whose eye is the plank and in whose the splinter?

You chastise the person for the flaws you have detected in them, but empathy kicks in and to avoid rocking the boat – or in foolhardy blind compassion – you adapt yourself to them or even, as is so often the case, adopt a speck or even a large pinch of the mannerisms they have unwittingly taught you. A splinter from the log, a chip off the old block, mother-like-daughter, companions in crime, folie-à-deux. And then you become annoyed at, reject, what they have made you into or made you take on: a responsibility that was never yours in the first place. You may end up with half a tree in your eye and not just a blurry reflection of their little plank. The last thing you will want is to be reminded of it by their refusal to recognise the habit they have passed on to you.

The underlying – and now mutual – fault you find is unlikely to have been inherited at birth – in this case it’s not that anyone is mirroring back to you what you really are – but rather, what you have become. So there’s nothing to worry about! Their accusations of selfishness, backstabbing or otherwise on your part are no more than a stifled, bottled-up, semi-conscious cry for you to help them remove the blockage, despite their swearing to the gods that it exists only in your imagination. Immediate, hot dismissal of your observation will often mean that there is a lot of truth in it and tells you what the other has become used to repressing. What they really want is for you to accept and “understand” them even though they drive you nuts, even when you try to ignore their conduct or simply keep out of the way. If you do come to understand their hangups – acceptance can be more difficult if they like playing the victim – in an ideal world you would stop their self-deceit in its tracks or, if they won’t let you make any changes, at least you would do away with the unwanted behaviour in yourself and stop believing the blemish is yours. How you yourself have learnt to react to them – however ingrained it may have become – must not be allowed to take over your life. Some people just don’t want you looking into their eyes, for fear of seeing themselves reflected.