After the Break Up: How Do I Move On?

We were about to get engaged when she suddenly ended it. I can’t stop thinking about her.

I was dating Beth pretty seriously for a while and we had even been talking about the possibility of a future together. In fact, I started thinking about how I would propose to her and had confided in the good friend who set us up about my plans. Our friend was excited for us – Beth had even told her that she felt we were moving toward an engagement. I was shocked when a few days later, Beth told me that she wanted to break up. I don't know why – she didn't give me a reason.

I didn't feel rejected, more like I lost a family member. I’ve been unable to get Beth out of my mind. It's been over a month and now that people know I'm "available" I've had a number of suggestions. I even went out a couple of times, hoping that I could focus on meeting someone new and forget about Beth, but I still haven't forgotten her and how I felt about her.

I’ve considered asking Beth if she'd take me back but I feel like that is over the top. It's also not my call whether or not we try again, it's up to her. I'd like your advice about what to do. Should I hope for her to decide to get back together, should I try to get her back, or should I ignore it all together and hope it all goes away?

Allen

Rosie and Sherry's Answer:

Dear Allen,

Thank you for writing to us. We can see that you're feeling a deep sense of loss from this break up. Feeling as if you've lost a member of your family can happen when you have a deep emotional connection to another person. It's taking time for you to process this devastating experience, and this is not unusual. The process of mourning and healing from the end of a relationship with someone you wanted to marry is different for everyone, but it certainly can take more than a month.

You may have heard that there are five elements in the mourning process – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's normal for someone experiencing a breakup such as yours to cycle through all or some of these. They don't occur in any particular order, and you can experience some of them simultaneously, and go back and forth between them. One of the phases you're going through now is called bargaining – thinking about if and how you might be able to convince Beth to try again.

At the same time, you're trying to move past the break-up and have even gone out a few times. This shows that you're trying to accept that your relationship is really over. You hope that dating new women will help you get your mind off of "the one that got away". However, you're still struggling, and that's why it's a good idea to wait a little longer to date. If you're still deep in mourning for the woman you "lost", she may be figuratively accompanying you on your dates, leading you to imagine what it would be like to be out with her and comparing your date to her.

In spite of your genuine desire to move on, your dating won't be productive. Your date won't be able to compete with the "ghost" and you won't be able to be "present" enough to get to know her and start making a connection.

There will be a point, which could be a few weeks from now or longer, where you'll be able to focus on dating and finding the right person. You may sometimes think about the woman you now miss, but that will happen less and less and shouldn't interfere with your efforts to connect to someone. To get to that point, it's important to let the mourning process run its course. The following suggestions can help you do that.

Instead of ignoring your feelings and hoping they go away, or feeling guilty that you haven't yet been able to move on, we suggest that you acknowledge the feelings when you experience them, but not dwell on them. You'll be able to do this if you maintain your routine of work, school, continue with your interests or hobbies, and spend time with friends and family.

If you don't already have a regular physical activity, we encourage you to exercise or play sports several times a week. The endorphins your body releases during exercise will help improve your mood. You still may have some extra time that you can fill by participating in a chesed project or developing a new interest or hobby. When your days are well-balanced and productive, time will work its magic. Much of the processing you need to go through will take place subconsciously. You will slowly feel better and more ready to move forward.

Moving forward means letting go of the hope that Beth will change her mind and want to start seeing you again. It's easier to get stuck wondering if there's a chance you can get back together when you don't know the reason for the break-up. You could be thinking that perhaps she wasn't ready for marriage, and now realizes she is, or that she misinterpreted something that can be cleared up with some discussion. However, it's not worthwhile to put your life on hold and hope she’ll decide that she made a mistake and would like to try the relationship again. You don't know the reason for the break-up; it could have been that even though you were convinced she was The One, she didn't feel the same about you. You need to move from bargaining to acceptance that this relationship wasn't meant to be.

Sometimes, your ability to accept the situation can be slowed down because you keep wondering, “What if she really has changed her mind?" If you can't let go of this thought, then call the person who set you up and ask if Beth is willing to consider trying again. (She should only say yes if she's worked through the reason she broke up and it is no longer an issue.) If she says no, you have your answer. You'll no longer have to deal with the nagging thought, "What would have happened if I had tried?" It may still take time to accept that it's over, but that will be because you're still hurting, not because you have false hope.

Our final suggestion can help you put what has happened in perspective. You can look at the connection you developed and the emotions you experienced as a growth experience and a way to better understand yourself. How did you grow? You were able to feel connected to someone, wanted to give to her, were ready to make a commitment – none of this may have happened to you before. You learned that someone was able to see many of your positive traits and feel a connection to you. You know what's it's like to be happy in a relationship. You can even be grateful for being able to have this experience because even though you're hurting right now, it means that you have the ability to build a connection and develop feelings, and with God's help you'll do so in the future, with someone who feels that same way about you as you do about her.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
Claudia,
March 11, 2018 10:47 PM

what a wise answer

thank you for this article! I find your answer so wise and it helps me in my situation, even though its very different. Thank you very much. And thanks to HaShem who gives you wisdom!

(4)
Anonymous,
March 9, 2018 5:20 PM

I remember dating a guy when I was in college and for a time after my graduation. He was nice and charming and it seemed to be going well. But then there came some tension and he broke it off with me. I cried about it for a time. I supposed I could've argued with him about his reason (yes, he told me that), but it wouldn't have done any good. Later, once I had a chance to be sad, I looked back and realized that there were some things that bothered me. I did start dating again, but I paid more attention. I'm now happily married to the world's greatest husband and I'm grateful. I do wish that ex-boyfriend all the best, but I'm very glad that I didn't stay stuck on him.

(3)
Bobby5000,
March 8, 2018 4:25 PM

discussion

I think the writer should ask for some candor about why she broke it off. He is not entitled to her continuing but is entitled to some truth.

(2)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2018 4:19 PM

Closure

If he's not over her yet, then I think he should find out her reasons for ending the relationship before he can really move on or learn from the experience. What does he have to lose?

It seems strange that he didn't ask her at the time or did she refuse to answer? He should be prepared for the likely outcome that she doesn't want them to get back together but there is the possibility that she is experiencing some emotional problems.

It's up to him whether he feels she is special enough to him or that he loves her enough to face up to these issues. Perhaps he may decide that it's for the best that they broke up anyway.

(1)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2018 2:47 PM

Open Communication

If the lady is not mature enough for open communication then parting ways is a blessing in disguise for him. I wish them both luck.

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My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...