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After sitting in my drafts for a bit I’ve yet to come up with any new, profound points about experiencing and consequently rising above rejection. I’ve also been temporarily paralyzed by my (most recent) personal meeting with rejection. Hopefully I avoid sounding like a whiney millennial because… none of those are here right now.

In the last two weeks I made it to the final round of candidates for a dream position of sorts, had quite the encouraging interview (with encouraging activity from the interviewers), and waited for a week in high but realistic spirits. A week later I was smacked in the face with the most generic rejection email. It was almost as though I had never talked with anyone affiliated with the organization. I refreshed my inbox several times to insure I did not read the message incorrectly. But of course, there it was, the rejection just comfortably sitting there–mocking me.

It’s almost comical how many instances of rejection we will experience in our lifetime. That little girl didn’t want to hold your hand in the sandbox. Your body rejected your first navel piercing. The girl with a constellation of freckles (damn I’m sounding like Thought Catalog…) and honey eyes politely rejected your offer to take her on a date. Your professor rejected the topic for your final paper. Your dream job and others like it send you a sugary coated e-reject on a weekly basis. The list infinitely continues. Rejection is the gift that keeps on giving (among the other “gifts” that keep on giving). Yes, it is a gift if you take the necessary steps and use it as a catalyst for growth and success!

Here are my steps:

Step 1 is a completely natural response to disappointment and should not be skipped. After every other failure comes back to haunt you, I think it’s appropriate to spend a short amount of time acknowledging your sadness. What a great way to remind yourself that you have feelings, meaningful goals that you would like to accomplish, and have made efforts to reach them.

I find myself suspended in step 2 whether or not I’m going through the stages of rejection. I know my generation is supposedly stuck in the “existential vacuum” and I am completely corroborating that notion. However, existential does not necessarily equal nihilistic, apathetic, or lazy–which are additional terms that often get thrown into the vortex of immobilemillennials.

Step 3 is somewhat like a passive rebellious phase for me. My mind begins conjuring up images of me traveling to exotic destinations and being transparent; rejecting western values, corporate America, and the white picket fence portrait (Note: I already generally reject these notions to lesser degrees). Ultimately, I am all bark and no bite.

Alas, the light at the end of the rejection tunnel reveals itself as step 4 slaps you back into reality. Your friends and friendly strangers are there bandaging your wounds, giving you lollipops, and offering you all kinds of next steps that never even crossed your mind. Confidence regenerates and you’re feeling stronger than ever. You even appreciate the rejection because with it came experience and evidence that you are trying to level up in life.

Leveling up requires the final step of getting back out there. Change your approach and typical patterns that seem to result in rejection. Maybe there’s a different strategy or perspective you did not consider because it’s unfamiliar to you. Tweaking your routine will yield other results and get you one step closer to that life goal.

This is the simple way in which I experience rejection. I probably sound dramatic but it’s not my fault because I’m involuntarily hyper-aware of my emotions. Embrace rejection. You were rejected for a reason so kindly thank the Universe for nudging you in more correct directions.

At 23 posts I suppose it’s about that time I share my “coming out” story with my readers. My apologies for my lack of posting (if anyone cares). I’ve been a tad busy trying to be a real adult, which is rather challenging… And my apologies for how wordy and unnecessary the following stories will seem:

I consider myself quite fortunate to be one of those lesbians who subconsciously knew she was different at about age 10. I recall chasing girls around the playground and wanting to hold their hands much more than the boys; and that didn’t seem strange or abnormal to me at all. I just knew that it was girls who made my stomach do backflips, and it felt good, and I wanted more. To this day I still remember the girl that stole my heart at the jungle gym. She’s married now (holy shit I must be old. 23 isn’t old), but even still when people ask me when did I know I was gay, I always mention her and my heart flickers a bit because she’s the one that started it all.

In 8th grade when girls started to experiment with boys and talk about them all the time I remember participating in conversations but I felt disconnected. But like every year of my life it seems, there was a girl I had a crush on and we had this (what I thought) was an unspoken attraction. I didn’t know what we had and I was probably misinterpreting everything per usual, but there was a reason I cried the day she moved and I never saw her again. Such a sap I am. In between her was another crush on someone who used to be my best friend (I know we were 2 way crushin’ on the first girl) and we played softball together. GO FIGURE. All the attractive and cool guys wanted her and she eventually picked one of them to be her long term boyfriend. I was devastated especially because I thought we had some weird unspoken attraction as well. I’m hardly wrong about those unspoken attractions. Fast forward a few years and what do you know she’s dating a woman and they’re still together to this day! All the while with these crushes, my ultimate crush was on this “gothic” beauty Amy Lee from Evanescence.

If you took a peep at all of my notebooks and binders from 7th grade though High School there was a 96% chance that Evanescence symbol would be scribbled somewhere. This woman was the first significant female celebrity crush I had. I owned every poster, magazine cover and article, CD, saw her in concert, and even had some autographed concert tickets and a belt buckle she apparently wore during one of her concerts. Needless to say I was completely obsessed. Fast forward to the latter days of High School and I was ready to come out to my friends.

The great thing about my High School friends (who are still my good friends) is that they were and still are the forward thinkers, the intellectuals, and the “hippies” so to speak. I couldn’t ask for better friends. I told different groups of friends at different times and they all had the same reaction: Explosive laughter and a bunch of “we’ve always knowns.” What a relief. I knew they would react that way but your first time coming out to meaningful people is difficult. Fast forward to my freshman year of University and I was ready to come out to my parents. *cue foreboding music*

Ah yes, the dreaded coming out to your parents. What a stressful and anxiety ridden period. Before I came out I bought Chaz Bono’s (then Chastity) book Family Outing: A GUIDE TO THE COMING-OUT PROCESS FOR GAYS, LESBIANS AND THEIR FAMILIES and studied the pages as if I had finals that week. Once I felt confident enough in myself with the backing up friends and my roommates, I plotted my plan (I’m so grateful for the friends I made at University because they really helped me through a lot and I truly could not ask for better confidants). I decided the best way to communicate with my parents would be to write two heartfelt letters because I wanted to make sure I was as thorough and clear as possible. My parents are divorced so I had to do this twice. I strategically gave my dad his letter a couple hours before he left for a week long vacation. Mind you it took me at least an hour to build up the courage and hand it to him before I ran away and buried my head under pillows. He read it, cried, hugged me, and apologized for making gay jokes in the past and proceeded to explain to me the kind of environment he grew up in and their opinions on gay people. I eventually gave him the Chaz Bono book and he still has it in his desk drawer. I’m unsure if he ever read it or not. Overall I think it was a pretty successful coming out. Although I was told a year or so down the road that he thought I was going through a phase. That was about five years ago and surprise I’m still falling in love with ladies. Giving my mom the letter was much easier. I stopped by her house when she wasn’t there and left the letter in one of her drawers. I called her and asked if she got it and of course she didn’t because I put it in the one drawer she never looks in. After she read it she called and laughed at me saying she’s known since I was in 6th grade. Who knew?! She then called the local PFLAG organization and had a conversation for whatever reason. Coming out to my mom was a success as well. I’m sure there were some feelings of sadness because I am her only daughter and you guys know how moms are.

At 23 years old I have the joy of saying I’ve never been rejected by any family members or friends. At least not explicitly rejected. My parents and I have never talked about my sexual orientation since I gave them the letters, which is understandable. My family doesn’t really talk about dating or people we’re interested in because we’re all very much our own private entities. Whenever I do have the pleasure of finding a girlfriend I will not hesitate to introduce her to my family.

One thing I didn’t talk about in my story was the depression and void I felt before coming out. I think I touched based on it in my previous post, but if you can imagine it was horrendous. I didn’t even feel like a real person. It was more as if I was watching someone else on a little television with bad reception in a dark room. The closet is truly suffocating and you’ll never be able to start your life until you acknowledge those feelings. It’s one of those clichés that are overwhelmingly truthful. So for anyone that has yet to come out, I highly encourage you to. Seek the right people out if you need help whether it’s a friend or a stranger online. Seek me out. Life is much better on the outside, I promise.

I always feel so very cliché when I write about love or “love” or romance. Why would I know what it is or means anyway? There is no one true definition I’m sure. I’ve always thought it was a special moment when you encountered someone who made you feel differently than the other hundreds of people you’ve encountered, even if it wasn’t love. Is that feeling called infatuation? Infatuation is known as “foolish love.” What a shame that it’s foolish. We all must be fools then because everyone has experienced this. But I feel like I experience this more often than the average person. I’ve heard many times that I’m always “in love” with someone, and I cannot disagree with them. I don’t want to undo this characteristic of mine, but I do wonder what it’s like to hardly ever be in love with anyone. I wonder if it’s better or worse. I’m sure both have their distinct frustrations. However, we all know the words of Lord Tennyson, “Tis betterto have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” He may be right because I’ve lost mostly and yet I think the current version of me is the best so far. Everyone made me a better me. Have I always been this hopeless romantic type? Yes ma’am.

In 6th grade I had a crush on a boy (yes a boy) and I left him those disgusting candy-heart-chalk-things in his locker along with a note for Valentines Day. I don’t think he appreciated my gifts and I remember feeling weird about the situation. Needless to say that was the last romantic gesture I ever did for a boy and found out I rather be doing them for girls. Since then, all of the gestures I do for the girls I like like have kept steady and meaningful. My favorite thing to do when I feel myself falling for a lady is listen to every word she says. Her inflections. Watch her expressions. When I feel like I’ve learned enough about her I plan . I create, I write, I draw, I play, I buy sometimes… Whatever combination feels right, I put it together and I present it to her. Because that’s just who I am. I do this to show her my efforts to know her. There doesn’t have to be a label on our relationship for me to do these things because that’s who I am. When I am fearless I do what feels right in the moment.
Am I a hopeless romantic because despite my efforts and gestures, none of them have resulted in a significant other? That would be selfish to expect a relationship just because they accepted my gestures with glowing eyes and fluttering hearts. I should be left without hope because I keep doing the same romantic gestures and nothing has changed. I should be a hopeless lesbian because for some ridiculous reason I still believe the person who will respond to my gestures won’t come from the Internet but rather a coffee shop or park (I’m not knocking people who’ve found their partners on the Internet…That’ll probably be me eventually). Is it a sign of weakness to be a hopeless romantic? Is it a weakness because we need to realize that our feelings of love were created by the movies and nothing more? I know my friends might tell me I should stop being a hopeless romantic to prevent myself from being hurt. That’s probably a great strategy but I’m terrible at stopping myself from expressing my love.

To me, my gestures and hopes parallel the photographs of the sun setting I took in Santorini. Even as the light dims, the beauty of the sunset does not lessen. From every angle I am chasing something that looks so far away but feels quite close to me. Eventually the light disappears. I know this scene will appear 1000 times over in Santorini for countless people even if I’m not there to see it. Luckily for me I remember it and tomorrow at sunset the light will disappear again. And the next day. And the next. You see… the light always comes back.

It’s the subject people hardly like discussing because… well because we’d all like to think that in 2013 this is not an issue or a factor in our decisions/thoughts, but in reality, whether consciously or subconsciously, race does have an influence in our mind.

I’d like to start out with mentioning that I love discussing race/ethnicity often, especially as a person of color. I love hearing various perspectives, asking questions, and navigating the thoughts of others, specifically those of the caucasian persuasion. I wish more people could discuss this important topic in a scholarly and non-threatening manner, but as I said earlier, it’s a sensitive topic.

I will start by building a platform of myself. If I am walking down the street, 100% of passing strangers will classify me as African American. That is a correct observation. I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood. I went to elementary school, Jr High School, and High School in an environment that was quite diverse. In fact, the diversity that I grew up around seemed to be an anomaly of sorts as I grew older and talked to more people about their childhood. Even with all this diversity, my childhood/current friends are still predominantly white. This is most likely due to the classes I was enrolled in during school. I’ve taken advanced classes since I was in 5th grade and it just so happens that ~96% of my classmates for seven years were white. I received my bachelors degree in 2012 at one of thee whitest Universities in America. We’re known as the “Public Ivy League” and the average student seemingly is wealthy, preppy, stuck up, attractive, and well… white. If you only spend a short amount of time on that campus you will certainly come to those conclusions. However, I spent four years there and I truly couldn’t imagine going to a different University. Granted, I probably would’ve fit in much better at numerous other institutions but I like a challenge when it comes to people. In 2013 my friend group, which feels large, is still predominantly white. One thing I hear often from them as well as strangers is “you’re not really black…” and a variation of this statement.

Personally I think my perspective of race, behavior, and relations is far more mature than most people. I feel like could write a dissertation on the matter. But I digress. There’s a reason we as humans stereotypes and compartmentalize different groups into categories. It helps us quickly make judgements about people in order to protect ourselves. It’s an unconscious evolution thing (I think). How does this innate human behavior affect us when it comes to dating?

We can’t help who we’re attracted to. My history of attraction with real life people just happens to be 100% white women. Now if you put celebrities in that percentage then we’d need a pie chart to illustrate. Nonetheless, I think who I’m currently attracted to comes from the environments I’ve spent the majority of my lifetime in. I’m not saying that I could never be attracted to a woman who is not white. Actually, every time I’ve gone to visit friends in cities that are breathtakingly diverse, my attraction shifts to just about every woman who is not white, or at least my interests greatly diversify. I love that I’m able to do that. My worry is that the majority of others aren’t able to do that. For me, dating outside of my race has never even been a concern. Not once have I ever been fearful of being attracted to someone who is not African American. My siblings display the same philosophy as well. They too have never dated anyone who was African American (not to my knowledge). I think my concern lies in the fact that I know it’s hard enough to come out as LGBTQ, but then to lay on your friends and family that your partner is of a different race adds another complex dimension. No one wants to make things harder than it already is, so why would they take that risk? Maybe I’m just lacking confidence in the human race as a whole. My faith in people and their willingness to explore things and people different from them is pretty nonexistent. I often hope I’m wrong. But then I remember that not everyone is the same and those people who live with tunnelvision eyes are not for me. There are people out there who are attracted to the person and not what they look like. But what happens if you fall for someone with tunnelvision eyes? I live my life carrying a grandiose personality and I try to throw it on every one who comes near me. However, I walk through life subconsciously thinking someone will miss out on me because they’re not attracted to someone of my color. Again I know that’s their loss, but what a terrible occurrence. People immediately dimiss others because they’re not attracted to them, because their race isn’t in their history of attraction. I do that too…

So how do we deal with this? Just keep being yourself. Be the best you and the right people will hopefully gravitate towards your presence. If you ever fall for someone and they don’t like you back because of your skin color, well most likely you’ll never know. How often will someone tell you they’re not attracted to you because you’re not white, black, latina, etc? Rarely, because most people are respectful enough to not be explicitly assholish. My last advice:

BE OPEN TO WHO YOU LOVE. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU COULD BE MISSING.

(I’ll try to follow my own advice)

(P.S. yay for television/media trying to become more diverse with programming. Opening minds. You still have a ways to go)

(P.P.S. Sorry if this was so scatter-brained. I have so many thoughts about this)

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

I’d like to start off with my apologies for lack of posting. I have an internship at a real company that’s not a restaurant (it’s a start somewhere, right?) and for some reason my “social life” has been strangely active. So forgive me.

Now onto the subject at hand. Notice the two screen caps above that were posted in regards to one of my entries entitled “Straight Girls Fall In Love With Me Too.” These men cannot be serious about the reasons they cannot find a good woman. I actually laughed out loud at these comments.

If I could talk to these men in person, these are the questions I would ask:

To The Truth, what is this obvious reason why you “good straight guys” can’t seem to meet a good woman anymore? Are you implying that the dirty lesbians are using their hypnotic evil powers to slowly attract every straight girl there ever was? If you re-read that entry, the ending doesn’t exactly go in my favor, does it? If anything you should be thanking me because they all eventually end up going back to their big, strong, protective men who can do everything for them I can.

When you say “us good straight guys,” I’m assuming you’re saying that as an indirect parallel to “you bad gay women?” Are you in such disbelief as a single straight man that it must be the fault of another (lesbians) why you haven’t found a (good) woman yet?

When you use the phrase “good woman,” are you implying that all the women you’ve been interested in (or have rejected you) have been bad women? Are you saying that lesbians only attract the “good women,” ultimately leaving you with rotten ones to choose from?

To VeryTrue, are lesbians everywhere these days? If they are, can you PLEASE fuckin’ point to their general direction because I cannot for the life of me hone in on one. Instead, I find myself hanging from the lips of your “good (straight) women.” And I would gladly trade your straight women for my dapper dyke, lusty lesbian, Femme female, anyday.

You’re telling me that the number of lesbians have increased so rapidly that you actually find it hard to find a straight woman from the population?

You too, used the phrase “good woman.” Refer back to #3.

If after reading my questions you cannot clearly reach my conclusion, I will spell it out for you: LESBIANS ARE NOT THE REASON MEN ARE (supposedly) HAVING DIFFICULTIES FINDING GOOD WOMEN! If anything, I see so many good women wasting their time with less-than-stellar men, and if I did have lesbian powers (aside from some skills we have *wink*), I would use them to steal all your good women. That would be pointless though because I’d rather have a woman who wants me in the same way I want her. Now if anymore men find themselves hovering on my page (actually how did you find this blog? Googling lesbian porn?), I hope you use your logic and intellect before making hilarious comments.

A couple of weeks ago I posted an entry entitled “You Fell In Love With ANOTHER Straight Girl.” Basically it describes my terrible habit of falling in love with straight girls because of reasons I would like to know. Wouldn’t it be great if a consequence of being gay was that you could only fall in love with other lesbians? Actually that might be terrible because some people just fall in love with the person and you could miss out on a chance with a girl that only currently identifies as straight. But I digress… As mentioned in the previous entry, I have fallen in love (or whatever it was) with more than my fair share of straight girls. While I admit I am the type of person that falls quickly, I think the feelings I developed for these girls were not completely uninfluenced. My feelings grew stronger overtime because in one way or another, I think, these girls reacted positively to my advances.

But recently, one of those said straight girls (who is now one of my best friends) told me why I attract so many straight girls. To put it simply, she said that she and other (straight) girls didn’t see me as someone of the same gender, but more as my own species. In other words, those girls were never attracted to other girls, just me. The first thing I did was smile because what an ego boost. The second thing I did was frown because if they were attracted to me in some way, why couldn’t they admit it or just take a chance with me for my own sanity? Obviously I understand why none of them ever took the chance because a decision like that could potentially shift their lives and it’s difficult to coast out of your comfort zone. If I ever found myself becoming attracted to a man I would most likely be hesitant as well. I say “most likely” because even though something is out of my comfort zone, there is always a high probability of me expressing my emotions.

With this said, was it fair for these girls to express any kind of interest beyond a platonic friendship with me? In principle, hell no. No one likes to be an experiment and the toll each girl has taken on me has been pretty severe. However, I’ve learned from them what I like and dislike and what I deserve. I also appreciate them taking the time to explore their sexualities in the most passive way possible, even if I was at the expense at some point in time. Whenever I can help someone find their path in life I am all for doing.

I hope my grey relationships with self-identifying heterosexual women are coming to a close; and if there are heterosexual women out there who are genuinely curious about their sexuality and want to experiment here are a few tips you can follow:

First and foremost make damn sure you clearly communicate what your intentions are with the lesbian subject.

If you didn’t expect to become attracted to the lesbian subject and you kiss them, and then kiss them again on more than one occasion it is not okay to brush those interactions under the rug.

If the lesbian subject starts to show signs of attachment and you’re not at that level with her, let her know.

Don’t get angry with lesbian subject if she gets angry with you for talking to guys because you have yet to communicate with her.

Don’t be an asshole.

If this is a close friend, know that you are putting your friendship on the line.

Try as best as you can to match up your actions and your words… i.e. Don’t continuously have physical contact and spend absurd amounts of time with each other and ultimately tell her you’re just friends. That’s mean.

While I may seem bitter over straight women, I still believe that lesbians and previously identifying straight women are capable of falling for each other just like lesbians are capable of falling for men. In fact…

Just love who you love damn it. Don’t be afraid to jump. You never know what could happen.

Ah… The L Word, we meet again. The show was so perfect because it really made an effort to address essentially all issues pertaining to lesbians no matter how farfetched the plot eventually became. Dana hits the nail on the head sharing with Tina her frustrating and repetitive habit of being attracted to straight girls. I, Dana Fairbanks, am all too familiar with that activity. In fact, it’s largely all I’ve ever known… Going through this event is a rite of passage of sorts for baby dykes, but for me it’s no longer a rite of passage but expected occurrence.

If I could be psychic and warn my future self not to gain any feelings or attachments to particular girls, I would. But alas I have no special powers and am constantly left to slowly drown in heartbreak followed by feeling like a complete and utter moron for being falsely seduced by straight girls. Is it my fault? I suppose some of the blame can be put on me but then again, can you really help who you fall for?

If my numbers are correct, my count of “straight girls I have fallen for/all have had some physical contact with me” is currently too high for my liking. How does this happen? Generally, it begins as a friendship like most relationships, but feelings ultimately evolve as the two get closer and someone does or says something that is outside what is considered the platonic realm. I know women tend to be more nurturing and emotional creatures so it is not too strange for female friendships to be more intimate than male friendships. But it’s a whole different softball game when one member of the friendship is attracted to the same sex. I don’t know how I find these girls or how they find me, but ever since 8th grade I’ve managed to befriend a girl who identifies as straight but ends up locking lips with me on more than one occasion along with confessing, in one way or another, their (not-so-sounding-platonic) love for me. When I’m attracted to someone I let them know by my actions and words, even if it’s a girl who generally dates men ( I CAN’T HELP IT). I think it’s up to them to sit your ass down and be like “Look… I love you you big dyke. But I’m not into you like that.” The earlier that conversation happens the better because you can begin the healing process and possibly get back to being just good friends. Thankfully, all of my straight mistakes learning experiences have done that for me even if it was much too late in the friendship and after multiple times of embracing each other with our lips and cuddling.

The most difficult part of getting past the “I’ve fallen for a straight girl and can’t get up” is believing them when they say they’re straight. It doesn’t matter how many times they kiss you, how many times they cuddle with you, how many gifts they give you, how many times they tell you things remind them of you… THEY ARE STRAIGHT. Or maybe they aren’t straight but don’t feel comfortable labeling themselves as anything else but straight (labels are for cans) because the whole situation is new and different for them. In that case it’s not up to you to force them into something they’re not ready to address in their lives. The second most difficult part of moving on is moving on. How do you get past someone you felt so deeply for? I’m the wrong person to ask because when I decide I like someone, I like them long past the expiration date. Writing, crying, reading, playing (guitar) and talking to friends have all helped me with the healing process. When all else fails… watch a Hannah Hart video. This one in particular:

Hannah says it best I think. Someone will eventually come along and think everything you do is super duper cute and they’ll reciprocate the feelings you have for them 100% and not just half the time. I know it’s hard but you just have to be patient and know that there is nothing wrong with you because you were rejected by a straight girl.