The Scottish foodie and raconteur reveals all about his embarrassing wardrobe, Westlife and his ‘wee mum’

Last extravagant purchase you madeDinner last night. I don't spend extravagantly on many things these days. But food … First film you saw that really moved youThere's a beautiful Hindi movie called Roti, Kapra aur Makan (Food, Clothing and Shelter). It was about the dispossessed of India, those affected by natural disaster. Had me in tears again and again.

Last lie you toldI never lie …

First movie you ever went on a date toTop Gun. It was a first date. It also happened to be the last date. I never got to enter the Danger Zone.

Last time you criedYesterday. With my girlfriend. She fed me a bad scallop. There were consequences.

First thing you do when you’ve got time off workCook. I love cooking. It's my ultimate release, my ultimate pleasure. I just escape the hurly burly of it all while fixating on cooking times for pork belly.

First crushCaroline McGibbon. She had great roller skates and better legs. She didn't even know I existed. She still probably doesn't.

Last book you readMy friend David Ross has written a brilliant book about Glasgow in the late 1970s called Last Days of Disco. I loved it.

First great piece of advice you were given‘It's not enough to win the race; you have to be ten yards in front of the next placed person.’ My mum.

Last time you were starstruckI don't really believe in being starstruck. I met a psycho-geriatric nurse the other night after a gig. She has been the most impressive and awe-inspiring person I've met in a while. A genuine hero.

First thing you’d do if you ran the countryAction Scottish independence.

Last meal on earth: what would it beMy mum's lamb and potato curry with ginger pickle and hot, fresh chapatis. No better cook than my wee mum. I'd eat it with my dad.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke‘Caledonia’. Let me tell you that I love you and I think about you all the time …

Last time you exploited your position to get somethingI needed to buy my girlfriend an iPad. I had very little time. I'm afraid to say I leveraged being off the telly.

First time you realised you were famousI don't regard myself as famous. Just a well-kent face, as we say in Glasgow.

Last time someone criticised your workDaily. One of the great joys of social network. If you aren't annoying someone you have to wonder whether you are doing the right thing.First three words your friends would use to describe youBig, brown, hairy.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted itI have a wardrobe full of such constant reminders of my inability to think cogently in a sale situation.First concert you ever attendedIron Maiden, Glasgow Apollo, 1985. Amazing. Told my parents I was going to a careers evening at Strathclyde University.

Last time you bought someone flowersTwo weeks ago. I love sunflowers and my GF was visiting and the sun was out over Edinburgh. So I thought it would be apt.

First object you’d save from your burning homeA painting called ‘World Service’ by an artist called Tony Scullion. My daughter and I both regard this as our favourite painting ever.

Last funny thing you saw onlineDean and Jack on YouTube are funny, sweet lovely lads. I've just been making a Radio 4 doc about internet vloggers.

First jobWorking in my wee mum's shop. Great fun, every Sunday, getting up early and bundling papers.

Last person you fantasised aboutNow that would be telling …

First word you spoke‘More’. Hence my stature / belly.

Last crime you committedI inadvertently stole a spoon from a cafe. I didn't mean to, constable, really; it was a lovely spoon.

Last song at your funeral‘Mirrorball’ by Elbow, more than likely. Or anything by Westlife: if I’m dead why should anyone else enjoy life?

First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speechMy ex-wife, best friend and soul mate forever.

Last thing you recommended to someoneLilyhammer, the Netflix show. I watched it recently and loved it.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morningWhere is the on switch to the wireless?Last thing you think of before you go to sleepI have a pillow, I have a bed, I have a roof.