The Myth of the Sweet Old Lady

Stupid young people will eventually grow old. Wisdom is not automatically bestowed on the aged. In fact, there are a lot of old, terrible and shitty people out there. I just spent some time next to some of them.

she will grow old

Note: THIS REALLY HAPPENED.

I’m sitting at a McDonald’s using their free wi-fi, waiting for my car to get inspected down the street. Over at the next booth, two old women in their late 60s, early 70s with post-menopausal weight problems are talking about the dollar coffees. An innocuous enough conversation. One of the old women, the one wearing a plucky pink-flowered hat decides to make a phone call. She calls her friend, Dotty.

I pay no mind.

Until I hear the words, “And I told her to go fuck herself.” flow sourly out of her bitter mouth.

My ears perked up. She continued.

“And she told me to go fuck myself. And then I said (lowering her voice) Why don’t you go suck your husband’s dick?“

Now, keep in mind, there are children at this McDonald’s and this woman is making NO effort to keep her vitriol suppressed. If her sputum was a gun it would be a sawed off shotgun, when a small silenced pistol would have sufficed.

And for reasons known only to this woman, the phone was on speaker, so I could hear the moans and groans of this Dotty person.

She continued.

“And then she said, ‘Your sickness can’t come soon enough…'”

A loud “Ohhhh!” can be heard coming from the other end of the line.

This, judging by the reactions of all parties involved, was over the line.

“I guess she knows about the cancer cuz she talks to my uncle, but he’s an asshole.”

Some tears are shed. Some more “Ohhhs” are heard. And then, when it’s all over, she says “I love you.”

Her friend, who has been silently sitting with her through the entire conversation, gets up slowly, shuffles past me and says “Life sucks.”