Betty Crocker

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says,
"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking,
could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do
I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again
his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it
needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" was his
response.

Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking
through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix
it?"

He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like,
Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on tv.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty
hard, but the leak on the roof was gone!

Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he
found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked
through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any
more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was
picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice
man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the
husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either
baked him a cake or had sex with him." she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the
husband.

"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty
Crocker?

Talking Dog

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.

The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he
talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get
out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove
it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top
of a house?"

"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.

"Listen, pal..." says the agent.

"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another
question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "How does sandpaper feel?"

"Rough!" exclaims the dog.

"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says
the agent.

"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the
dog again, he asks, "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever
lived?"

"Ruth!" barked the dog.

"Okay, that's it!" says the agent, and
forces the man and the dog out the door.

Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says

"Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"

A Bad Day

A
man is sitting in a bar staring at his drink.

After staring at it for half an
hour without taking a sip, one of the bar regulars decides to have some fun
with him.

He picks up the manâs drink and knocks it back in one. The man starts
crying.

"Donât take it like that," says the regular. "It was a joke. Iâll buy
you another one."

"Itâs not just that," replies the man. "This day has been the
worst one of my life. First, I oversleep and get into work late. My boss fires
me and, when I leave the building, I find my car had been stolen. I get a cab
home but leave my briefcase on the back seat with my wallet in it. Then, when I
get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. After all that I come to
this bar and then, when Iâve just made up my mind to end it all, you show up
and drink my poisonâ¦"

Deserted Island Genie

Three guys are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them
finds a lamp on the beach. He picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie
pops out. The genie looks at the three guys and says: "I normally give
three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one
wish."

Well, the first guy is sick and tired of being on the
island, so he wishes to go back home. POOF!!! He disappears. The second one
said he, too, is tired of the island, and wishes to go home. POOF!!! He too
disappears. The genie then turns to the last guy and asks him what his wish is.

"Gee," he says," I'm awfully lonely here by
myself. I wish my friends were still here!"

Blind Faith- From "The West Wing"

A man and his friend were fishing on a river bank when they heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town.
And that all the residents should evacuate their homes and leave the river bank. the mans friend said "Hey man, we better get out of here"

But the man replied, "I'm
religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me." Confused by this the mans friend stumbled away to safety.

The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he
shouted, "Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to
safety."