Olivia's story

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Rainbow baby Lucas Oliver

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother.She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh andLife ain't always what you think it ought to be, noAin't even grey, but she buries her babyThe sharp knife of a short life, wellI've had, just enough time

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Friday, July 6, 2012

I pretty much am sucking this pregnancy. I didn't do a good job at taking belly pics with Olivia,but I did them every week with Luke,and this time I've hardly even had time to think about it. Oh well. FYI, I look pregnant. Luke and I were in Buy Buy Baby last week and even though I didn't really buy anything new baby related (water shoes for Luke), she was talking to him and said "oh are you going to be a big brother?" Thankfully, yes, I am not just looking fat, but I was kinda surprised she mentioned it, seems like it still could be risky territory especially since I was there with a 1 year old. (But at my brother's baseball game a week later, the lady we were talking to who lost her daughter seemed genuinely surprised, maybe because I was sitting the whole time though.) So I guess I am obviously showing, at least to some people.

It's still hard for me to wrap my head around that at this point with Olivia, I only had 2 weeks left. And at this point with Luke, I had almost finished packing my hospital bag. I just didn't know what to expect, but I did know that the baby would have to come out sometime in a hospital and that Joe sucked at packing stuff for me,(to be fair, his options were limited), but whether it was at 22 weeks or 36 weeks, I was going to want some stuff. (Joe did better when I unexpectedly ended up there with the hand saga but thank goodness for my mom too.) Also, I think I partly did it for mental reasons. Olivia came when I didn't have a bag packed and delivering soon didn't even cross my mind when we went in to the hospital. I literally went in with my purse and a trashy romance novel. With Luke, I was hoping that maybe having a bag packed early would mean I wouldn't need it. That worked out well enough. This time, packing a bag is going to have to wait. I certainly don't have enough clean laundry at the moment to throw anything in a bag to sit there for x weeks (hopefully x months). And with a midterm this weekend and then two tests next week plus a toddler intent on destroying our house, packing a hospital bag is pretty low on my things that I need to do list. By August, my classes will ALL be done, so hopefully the hospital bag can wait that long. I am relatively confident that it will, although any sort of confidence makes me a little nervous like maybe if I trust this too much, something will go wrong, better to not actually expect to go home with a new baby in late Oct. just yet, we have a long way to go. So yeah, for all my talk of being more relaxed this time (and I am, by like a hundred times), there are definitely ALWAYS lingering doubts and nervousness. The nice thing is I don't really have the same time to dwell on it all like I did with Luke. Also, this is the point where they can't do much of anything, close to viability, but not there yet. Whatever happens the next few weeks with this pregnancy is largely out of my control regardless of how much I stress about it. I am ready to skip July this year, it's so fricking HOT and miserable, I want to be done with school, I want to be able to take Luke outside, I want to watch the Olympics, and most of all, I want to be at/past 24 weeks and still pregnant. That's not too much to ask, I think.

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comments:

Not too much to ask at all. I'm glad you're busy, but I know those fears are always lurking. I told myself over and over "There's nothing I can do at this point," but it's not like that's an especially comforting thought, you know? Wishing you an easy and quickly-passing month of July.

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What is a rainbow baby?

Rainbow baby is the term for a baby after the loss of a previous child.It is the understanding that a rainbow's beauty does not negate the ravages of the storm.When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happenedor that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath.What it means is that something beautiful and full of lighthas appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.

About Me

I am a former teacher, currently staying at home with our rainbow baby. Our daughter, Olivia Caetlyn, was born at 23w2d on September 28,2009 with a tiny cry and passed away shortly after her birth. (Due to HELLP syndrome, possible pre-eclampsia, and growth restriction.) Rainbow baby Lucas Oliver was born healthy in late April, after a stressful but overall healthy pregnancy. You can contact me at angiew901@msn.com.