Random rantings of a thirty-something parenting after infertility and loss.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Fertility, entitlement, and remembering life isn't fair

February 2008 after years of trying, I found out I was finally pregnant. The next week, one of my friends who had a little boy, also found out she was pregnant. April 2008 I miscarried. My friend didn't. She was very sad for me and gentle and did the best she could in a situation she could never relate to being quite fertile. So fertile, that she sat across from me shortly after about her hopes to have another little boy. I don't know what I'll do if I have a girl. I need this to be a boy. I bit my lip thinking about the child I had lost, and she continued I don't want to spend more on girl things, and girls are complicated and talk back and boys are easy, I was meant to be a mom to boys. And then, a few months later at her twenty week check up? I'm having a boy! You know why? Because God is good. I knew God is good. And I knew I'd have another boy. Let no one doubt God. I wish I was exxagerating.

She's pregnant again with her third and e-mailed me her feverent hope that this time she would have a girl. We decided to try one last time because we thought having a girl would be nice. She e-mailed. And then, today, on facebook I see that she is indeed having a girl just as she had asked on her order menu straight to the allmighty.

Yesterday, I went to a Chinese restaurant with my husband and brother and the waitress was so sweet. She didn't flinch when W spilled the glass of water all over her clothes [she was tipped handsomely for this transgression]. She handed us three plastic utensils for him because she figured he'd drop a few. She smiled and cooed, and he absolutely radiated and basked in her warmth. you must have kids, I smiled, observing her sincere ease. She got quiet and shook her head and said no, I don't. I guess I couldn't.

Well then. And there I am with my toddler and huge belly wanting so badly to stick this foot of mine in my mouth.

I'm not in the dark sad place of my infertility anymore. I wish I could say it's because I learned to be more mature or introspective but the truth is my peace arrived once I had my son. It was only once he was here the anger and darkness could leave my heart as a permanent resident.

I look at my friend and I'm happy for her to a degree, but I am also baffled at how some people can smile so proudly and arrogantly that God gave them this and that. How they believed and so they received. And then I think of the sweet waitress. And the countless others who have not. Who have also asked that very same God. . . and I just feel sick inside at how life isn't fair and that not all of us can simply order on the menu and expect Him to give us exactly what we requested.

4 comments:

Oh yes. Beautifully put. I have always had a big problem with people who claim that the good things in their lives are because, as you say, "they believed and so they received."

Because life doesn't work that way, and I certainly can't believe that a just God works that way. Otherwise there would be a lot more babies and happy parents. No illness. No war. No violence. No want. No unhappiness...

Luck is random. Believing yourself worthy of receiving divine rewards makes a simple human special. We all want to be special. No one wants to be ordinary anymore. And God's name was, is and will continue to be taken in vain by fools, which makes it hard for the rest of the world to believe in him.

i honestly don't even know what to say about your friend. having been through infertility i would never say that someone doesn't deserve to have children, but women like that are a true test. as for the waitress, if i ever had an encounter like that, i would have to share that at one time in my life i knew how she felt and express what a wonderful person she is.

God is great, and He is always fair. He gives us what's best for us, even though we don't know it at the time, and even though we may have done things differently. Similar to how you felt regarding how "proudly and arrogantly" your friend acted, I feel the same way when people complain that "life" or God isn't being fair to them because they didn't get exactly what they wanted, when and how they wanted it, while others seemingly did. But we don't know the details of the other person's situation. Life isn't 100% perfect for anyone. This life isn't like paradise will be, and we all have our issues. God has the right to do whatever He wills in the way He wills it, and He has divine wisdom and mercy behind all He does; so who are we to complain about His (seeming) unfairness on different people going through different tests in life? God has blessed everyone immensely, in more ways than we can try to count. And we all have our own tests to go through, but to complain about His unfairness is quite unfair in and of itself. If anything, we should be more grateful. Sorry about the constructive criticism (I really do say it with love!), but that's my 2 cents.