BY STEELE CODDINGTON | JUNE 23, 2010

Spoof Space
Tribute and farewell to MDs

Doctors of Medicine by and large have always been at the top of my heroes list. While recollections of my initial contact at child birth are to this day a little hazy, my introduction to the doctor must have been one of gratitude with warm and fuzzy thanks. (Though he did smack me a little hard on exit.) I do remember that I was happy being hungry, because I knew what was coming next when they took me to see Mom. Did MDs always cure my ills or fix my broken bones? They must have – hell, I’m still here. My deep appreciation goes beyond the respect accorded the “medicine-men” of old, and exceeds by far the kind of phony cult worship that characterizes current presidential insanity. Medical doctors’ status is real and has been achieved through sacrifice, hard work, investment in time and money, research and dedication to truth.

Do MDs get paid well? Up until this point, yes! Would we be happy with a guy on a time clock, making truckers’ wages? Or maybe a union controlled government worker whose salary may be idiotically comparable, but can only operate on BS? No, what distinguishes doctors generally is their selfless acceptance of a sacred responsibility and commitment to the noble tradition of ministering to the health miseries of their fellow man. When you combine their dedication with the tacit approval of one of the other individuals in your life who knows best what is good for you – your mom – you have a recommendation that’s better than anything Babe Ruth ever endorsed. Remember the refrain “Mother knows best?” How many times have you also heard her say, “Just be quiet and do what the doctor tells you.” In fact, I think I heard my wife say that very thing substituting “shut up” for “be quiet” or “don’t give me any lip.”

I’m going to miss my old dedicated doctors. On my first visit to the Obamacare medical facility, the warm, personal, human touch was missing. The décor was nice, but will all the government offices have a picture of Obama on all four walls with his 3 Ms inspiration message underneath his picture – “Medicine, Marxism and Me?” At this particular office the human doctors had migrated to Belize, so I was treated by a very polite Orangutan who had a framed degree on the wall acknowledging that he, Dr. O., was a graduate of the Harvard School of Diversity. The closing paragraph was signed by an SEIU shop steward certifying that Dr. O. was a member of the union sworn to uphold the Hypocracy Oath.

Several weeks after my visit, I got a report specifying what I’d been treated for. It was pretty serious. Among the treatments were Procedures # 982R100 and # J4480. As I recall, one was unnecessary and the other was embarrassing. “Procedures” are descriptions of what you hope won’t involve the doctor’s inevitable request of all males to bend over ... to see if you can touch your toes, of course. What worried me was the number of procedures I received and if I felt better afterward. None of the procedures have the same number, so I may be running out of them. That could be a sign of hope. I certainly would be happy if Dr. O never gave me a #BF 4GNO procedure again.

Puns ...

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
24. A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard

ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
Hold off on shopping and spending money needlessly. You may receive some depressing news; don’t dwell on it. Do something enjoyable that will lift your spirits.

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
The money situation gets a bit of a boost which helps put your mood on an upbeat trend. Enjoy nature, travel and other fun summer activities.

GEMINI (MAY 21 –JUNE 20)
Try to be patient this week and abstain from negative thinking. The Full Moon strengthens your partnerships. Focus on domestic issues.

CANCER (JUN 21 – JULY 22)
If you have been putting off implmenting new ideas, now is the time to try to accomplish your goals. Avoid controversy and try to keep your temper at bay.

LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
It may be a good time to finish up travel plans, or start to make plans for a vacation. Highlight your health scene and you need to stay on your diet.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
Domestic affairs and comforts are part of this week for you. Some good financial news may come your way. Focus on compromise at work and home.

LIBRA (SEPT. 24- OCT.23)
Minor irritations today may slow up the start of the week, but will clear up before you know it. Make practical decisions about home, health and your future.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
A stressed Moon makes it hard for you to trust your feelings. Make sure you have all of your facts straight before making any decisions. Steer clear of people who are not upbeat.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22- DEC. 21)
You’re feeling like your normal self is back! Don’t let anyone at work put you into a negative mode. Shaking up your routine may be the best thing you can do.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22- JAN 19)
You have some good news but you need to keep it to yourself for a while. A job may be demanding some extra time on your part; try to deal with this added pressure.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20- FEB. 18)
A feeling of belonging contributes to your outlook in future weeks. Something hidden may come to light so be ready to face the news head on.

PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
It’s a good time to expand your horizons. Take time to spend with a good friend at lunch. This week your loyalty may be tested, so beware.

Mark Your Calendar

Ongoing:
• Free concert series! McCormick-Stillman Railroad Park hosts its free Concert Series Sunday evenings, 7:30 – 9 p.m. through July 4. Bring a blanket or chair, and hear a variety of favorite local bands. On the southeast corner of Indian Bend and Scottsdale roads. Call 480-312-2312 to find out who’s playing.

Saturday, June 26:
• 7 a.m. Fruits of the Desert. Easy hike. A quest to find and taste edible plants that have sustained the native peoples in this region, including the fruit of the saguaro cactus and others available this time of year. Wear sturdy shoes (closed-toe) or boots and long pants. A walking stick is recommended. Bring plenty of drinking water. Hikes are $3 per person or a Spur Cross Ranch Conservation Area pass. Call 480-488-6623 or visit www.maricopa.gov/parks.
• 11 a.m. – 12 noon. Wildman Phil and his Animal Friends. All Ages. Exciting live animal demonstration. Naturalist and humorist "Wildlife Phil" highlights the unique ways the lives of these vastly different animals are interwoven, creating a community where each has a purpose and place. Desert Foothills Library, 38443 N. Cave Creek Road in Cave Creek. Call 480-488-2286 or visit www.DLFA.org.
• 7:30 p.m. Full Moon Hike: Saguaro Moon. Cave Creek Regional Park. Venture out on a 1.5 mile night hike through the desert! Wildlife abounds on summer night hikes! Bring a blacklight if you have one. Meet at the Nature Center. Wear sturdy shoes and bring more water than you think you will need. Fee is $6 per vehicle or annual pass. Call 623-465-0431x202, e-mail jenniferwork@mail.maricopa.gov or visit www.maricopa.gov/parks/cave_creek.

Monday, June 28:
• 8 a.m. Take your walk to the Desert. Innovative, fun, easy 1.5 hr walking experience for health, camaraderie, and the desert’s serenity. Begin trekking in the desert at an easy pace. Bring sturdy shoes, a water bottle and a hat. A walking stick is recommended. Bring plenty of drinking water. Hikes are $3 per person or a Spur Cross Ranch Conservation Area pass. Call Interpretive Ranger Kevin Smith at 480-488-6623 or www.maricopa.gov/parks.
• 3 – 5 p.m.: Summer Monday Movies: Get Out Of The Heat With A New Movie! Desert Foothills Library, 38443 N. Schoolhouse Road, Cave Creek. Phone 480-488-2286 or e-mail director@dfla.org.

Wednesday, June 30:
• 8 a.m. Sonoran Desert 101. Welcome to the desert! This 1-mile interpretive hike will focus on the common plants and animals living here and the adaptations that allow them to thrive. Meet at Nature Center. Wear sturdy shoes, dress appropriately for the sun and bring more water than you think you will need. Park entry fee is $6 per vehicle or annual pass. Call Interpretive Ranger Jenny at 623-465-0431x202 or jenniferwork@mail.maricopa.gov or visit www.maricopa.gov/parks/cave_creek.
• 2 – 3 p.m. Author J.S. Lewis Special Appearance and Workshop. Ages 7-older. J.S. Lewis is the co-author of the popular Grey Griffins series selling nearly 1 million books. Raffles will be conducted during program. Desert Foothills Library, 38443 N. Cave Creek Road in Cave Creek. Call 480-488-2286 or visit www.DLFA.org.