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Today’s Column

Make choices based on reality, not fantasy

I’m 28, living in a cute but tiny west-coast studio apartment that’s only $675 monthly, which is rare here.

Now I need a new place to live, but my price range is limited by car payments and other obligations.

A friend who has feelings for me offered a tempting solution.

If I move in with him, he’ll pay the rent until I can clear my debt.

However, my heart actually belongs elsewhere. He’s 37, living at home with his mom, who cooks for him. His room resembles a teenager’s.

He isn't emotionally mature, but I love him and his quirks. He’s content working for $10 hourly.

When talking of the future and us, there’s a lot of “I don’t know.”

These two men know and hate each other. I’m not sure which man to pick.

Still, I could use the shared apartment as a stepping-stone, which unfortunately requires that I no longer have anything to do with the other man.

Losing My Mind

Your losing yourself, not your mind.

You’d play fast and loose with the first man’s feelings and basically use him for a free ride on rent – undoubtedly with some cost to you for sexual payback.

Or, you’d hang onto an unpromising semi-relationship with someone who has little sense of wanting a different life with you.

Deal with your finances on their own. Look for another place.

If sharing’s necessary, find a neutral roommate, not someone who comes with an emotional surcharge.

Then take another look at your heart’s choice. If he sees no future, why do you?

You may love his quirks, but do you respect and admire him?

Can you hang on for years with no movement forward?

These are the important questions.

Recently, my in-laws invited us for a turkey dinner. They asked me to bring merengue pie and make Yorkshire puddings - my two most finicky dishes.

Dinner was Sunday at 2 pm: Arrive to cook the Yorkshires at 1pm (I had to be at work for 4pm).

On Saturday, I’d been up till midnight baking pies, as I had to work all weekend. They called to say they were popping into a neighbour’s function at 2pm, dinner is now for 3pm.

So we arrived at 2:30 with pies, cooking dishes, and two kids under six. We found them at the neighbours’ party.

My husband said we could no longer stay as I now had no time to cook and eat before work.
They called him after I left to ask if he was still on his way, dinner was now 5:30pm.

I don't want to upset them, but I feel incredibly disrespected.

I'm struggling between asking them to apologize because I was hurt by their carelessness, or if I should just “suck it up.”

This is just the most recent in a very long list of times when punctuality or other people's scheduling needs weren’t a priority for them.

It almost ruined their relationship with their other daughter-in-law.

In-Law Disrespect

You have every reason to be hurt and annoyed. But as you say, nothing’s new here.

With people who have problems with punctuality, you can’t in future agree to such tight scheduling, especially not on a work day for you.

Set your own family boundaries. You and your husband need an honest conversation about how to handle his parents’ inconsideration in future.

That’s a more positive course than demanding an apology (though he should’ve suggested it to them).

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who never told an old flame that she still loved him (Oct. 22):

Reader – “In high school, and awhile after, I had a very close male friend, but then drifted apart. We’d occasionally connect via phone and later on Facebook.

“I saw him a couple of years ago when I visited a high-school girlfriend. It was a fun reunion.
“Before he left to go home he told me he always loved me and still did.

“I was totally shocked! I liked him but hadn’t ever loved him.

“I thought afterwards how my life could’ve been much different had I known this fact decades ago, but I didn’t.
“I doubt I’d have had a good life with him, as he drinks way too much and has had three failed marriages and six kids.

“I have a good and loving husband and two good kids.
“I think it’s best to let bygones be bygones.”

Tip of the day:

Using someone’s feelings as a “stepping stone” in your life often brings more problems, not solutions.