Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I was considering my earlier post about someone I assumed was a "shy pooper" and it hit me. Maybe this wasn't some insecure weirdo who has a terribly traumatic experience at least (hopefully) once or twice a day. Maybe he was a secret genius.. Maybe he was asleep!

Think about it, there are lots of places you can sleep at work: the storage room, the tech booth behind the auditorium, under your desk, under someone else's desk, etc. etc. The trouble is that sooner or later someone is bound to discover you with drool dried to your cheek and your face lined with the wrinkles of your shirt sleeve. Awkwardness will undoubtedly follow. However, if they walk in simply to find another set of shoes underneath the stall door it is doubtful that you're going to get called out.

it would make sense to keep still and quiet. We all saw Jurassic Park and learned that their vision is based on movement, and they probably have ears.

I could be less than 9 months old and then I wouldn't be capable of realizing that you're still there.Or maybe if we were in a wax museum, you could stand really really still and quiet and someone might think you were one of the dummies.

But we're not. We're in the bathroom.

I know you're there, even if you don't move or make a sound until I wash my hands and leave.

He's been seen dancing with stars and Stephen Hawking told me that the light we see from stars was emitted millions and millions of years ago. So looking at distant stars is like seeing backwards in time, so dancing with stars has gotta be kind of like being psychic..... um. Maybe that's a stretch.

I've been thinking about a dream of mine ever since that True Love post from the other day.

So in the physical act of lovage, gravity seems to be an enemy, often pinning a valuable arm between your lumpy body and your lumpy mattress, and there's always the risk of sliding off the mattress and thumping your skull on the pile of jogging shoes under the bed.

So I haven't bothered to keep up with the latest and greatest in iPods. I keep accidentally slicing through the headphone cord when I'm jogging along at a good clip.

But man can't help but hear the news. The Nordic nasties from Norway are threatening legal action against Apple because they deem the iStore to be an unfair business practice.

So Jobs responded in a shockingly personal way, and makes some good points. Why are they picking on the iStore? Microsoft had an 'open model' DRM system like the consumer vikings are asking for, but they gave up on it and switched to a hardware specific store for the Zune. If anyone over there is suing them, I'm not hearing about it.

Of course Apple would be down with not using DRM. The iPod's bread and butter is file sharing: ripping your CD library, copying the vinyl collection your uncle finally bothered to digitize, and forcing your friends to listen to your Sepultura albums from highschool. The iStore is like frosting on the workhorse. It's a middle man that brings you the Kanye West album at 4 in the morning when you're drunk and you think you need it, and if the record labels would comply, they'd let you do it no-strings-attached.

So now the legal lords of Lillehammer are saying that the iStore is unfairly locking a consumer into using an iPod, and that Jobs is copping out by blaming the record industry. My knife and I strongly disagree. Firstly, they have it backwards. If anything, buying an iPod would lock you into the iStore, not the other way around. My knife is also pretty sure they are getting iTunes and the iTunes music store confused.

But regardless, I'm sure they'll work it out. The record companies seem like reasonable people.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

To summarize, a lady astronaut (I'm not naming names) had a thing for another astronaut. When she found out about another lady in the picture she drove some 800-900 miles, wearing a diaper so she wouldn't have to stop, to confront her.

(If she had jogged, that wouldn't have been necessary, joggers can pee anywhere)

She then (oops I almost forgot) allegedly followed the woman to a parking lot, wearing a wig and a trenchcoat and weilding a BB gun and some pepperspray. The other woman was suspicious and hid in her car, but was tricked into lowering the window at which point she got a facefull of badness.

yowsa.I'm not all that into crazy, but if a girl maced someone for me, I'd be smitten.

I got some recent fan mail from a reader trying to connect cutlery with kittens.

"Hey man, love your blog! Being somewhat of an expert on jogging myself, I have recently noticed a pretty evident connection between kittens and knives. How could you overlook this? Other than that, keep up the good work! -Phil Stevenson"

The 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force ads freaked some people out' story is not very new anymore. I would consider it 'not new' enough for people, including people in the media, to have figured out what happened.

So why are people still calling it a hoax? In print? err.... in e-print?

A hoax is something that intends to get that kind of reaction or more colorfully, aims to hoodwink. An ad campaign aimed at fans of an uncomfortable 15 minute cartoon trying to get them excited about what will likely be an uncomfortable 50 minute movie, probably wasn't hoping for a $2 million urban lockdown. Therefore, not a hoax.

No one wants to be blowed up whilst jogging, granted. Your knife might end up in your eye or something. Cartoon characters seem unlikely to do that. But the ever vigilant Boston police have convinced everyone that, yes, cartoon characters are equivalent to IEDs.

Fine, I'll bite. These things were a threat and deserved the response they got. Sure, why not?

However, the cartoon bombs were there for 3 to 4 weeks. So if you are to be believed, Boston Police, we could have had our knife jogs interrupted by shrapnel any day in the last month or so, and you are bad at what you do.

As we all know, Ancient Romans had knives, but they didn't have the number '0'. In my many minutes of research, I have also failed to find any reference to Ancient Romans jogging...marching, sure...but not jogging. It thus follows that jogging depends on a civilization having discovered the number '0'.