Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Rock Bottom

Trigger Warnings:
Self-harm

I know I haven't posted in a long time, and I honestly don't have a good reason for that, but hey, at least I'm writing again. I'm not at a good point in life right now. I'm depressed. It's bad. I deal with thoughts on self-harm daily. Today was the worst I've been. I should probably start from the beginning, though.

In November, I broke my arm. I fell off Winter, and I landed straight on my elbow. I dislocated it, smashed the bone, and ripped a tendon. After two weeks of being in pain, I had surgery. I had four screws and a plate put in, and I had the tendon re-attached.

I was getting home instruction, but the problem was, in Science we were starting Physics. I understood nothing. I got so stressed out and nervous and anxious that I had a nervous breakdown. My mom finally came to check on me after I'd been crying for an hour-and-a-half, and I cried for another thirty minutes. I cried for two hours. The next day, I had an anxiety attack just thinking about going into the science classroom, so one of my other teachers let me stay in a different classroom and taught me what we were doing. I was better after that. I got an almost perfect score on the test for that unit.

I was managing, but I was still stressed and more on edge than usual. Over Christmas break, I snapped. The one Sunday, I was supposed to have a guitar lesson, and then my family would go see Star Wars. Well, my guitar teacher was sick, so I didn't get a guitar lesson. I told myself I was fine, I told myself that I'd wanted to go to Chapters anyway. I went to Chapters, and got myself a few books, I would later realise how ironic the one book I'd bought was. When we got to the movie theatre, Star Wars was sold out. I was upset, but not because the movie was sold out. Why was I upset? Well, I'd warned my mom to buy tickets ahead of time because it was Star Wars, it was going to sell out quickly.

I was extremely angry as well as upset. I'd told my mom, but she hadn't listened. The destructive thoughts started then. I kept thinking, over and over again, 'no one ever listens to me' and 'why does no one ever listen to me?'. Well, I was so upset about not being listened to, that I gave my mom the silent treatment. The thoughts on self-harm started that night. 'It would be so easy. You know where to get a razor blades are. You know how to hide things, how would this be any different? It'll help.' I didn't follow through, and I'm so glad I didn't.

At first the refusing to speak was fine, but when I woke up the next day, I was ready to talk to my mom, but I found that I couldn't. My voice was refusing to work, and I knew it wasn't from a sore throat. This was new to me, the only reason I'd ever not been able to talk was from being sick, I wasn't used to my own voice turning against me. I was starting to get scared. After I remembered my thoughts on self-harm the night before, I realised it was likely I was depressed. My PTSD relapse was bad this year, so depression was likely.

Eventually my mom and I talked, and I told her I couldn't speak and that I thought I was depressed. The thoughts on self-harm were still there, but they'd calmed down since the night before. I went to therapy the next day, and another therapy appointment was booked for two days later. I also had a doctor's appointment that afternoon, so I got a prescription for anti-depressants.

Through out the next days, the thoughts on self-harm got bad again. I was thinking about self-harm when I was in the car, when my mom and I were shopping, when I was at home, it didn't seem to matter where I was or what I was doing. I talked to my therapist about it, but the thoughts were still really bad afterwards.

Eventually, the thoughts calmed, and life started getting easier again. I started school again, and I was fine at first. Then the thoughts started up again last night. It wasn't too bad, the thoughts on self-harm weren't there, I was just angry and sad. I talked to a friend through texting for an hour or two, and I felt better. Then today happened.

This morning, the thoughts on self-harm were nearly unbearable. Now, since I can't talk, I've been using a text-to-speech app at school, and I've started taking piano lessons for now since I can't sing either. I started learning to play Twin Skeletons (Hotel In NYC) by Fall Out Boy. I felt emotionally connected to the song, so I started learning to play it. When the thoughts on self-harm got bad, I went downstairs and played piano.

I played Twin Skeletons (Hotel IN NYC) repeatedly, and I was slowly hitting the keys harder and harder. It got my emotions out, and it stopped the thoughts. It was working. Then I had to go to physiotherapy for my arm, and I couldn't use the piano anymore. I guess that's when it started.

Physio was fine, and then I went to school. I was okay at first, the thoughts weren't there. Then one boy in my class started causing problems. I was chatting with my friend using the app I'd downloaded, when the boy rudely said "You know Micah can speak, right? She's just refusing to talk." The teachers told him off, and my friends all got upset with him. He didn't want to listen, but he wasn't allowed to talk about it anymore, it wasn't any of his business.

Then I started getting on edge, I needed out. I went on a quick walk, usually that would help. It didn't. Thoughts of self-harm started. They were the worst I'd had. If I'd had something I could cut with, I know I would have started then and there. I went back to class to go see the vice principal, my old guidance counsellor. She was a person I trusted and could easily talk to, and she knew what was going on. Only problem was, she was busy with a phone call, so I'd have to come back later to talk to her.

When I started to walk back to class, it got bad. I couldn't handle it, I stopped thinking straight, all I could think was 'need to hide need to hide need to hide can't go back to class can't can't can't'. I was desperate, and I went and hid under a stairwell. I texted my mom and one of my friends. My friend came and sat with me, but I got worse from there.

I ended up sitting curled in on myself, I was on the verge of tears. I was shaking badly and I was hyperventilating. I lost track of time, it felt like I was there for years. My thoughts were jumbled and repetitive, I couldn't think straight. Most of my thoughts were 'I can't handle this I can't I can't I can't I can't handle this' and 'Please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me here' and 'I don't want to be alone please don't leave me alone' and 'I need help', etc.

It was bad. I felt shame and guilt over making my friend miss class, and it was horrid when those feelings mixed with the sadness and anger. It was nearly unbearable. My teacher found my friend and I eventually, and she got the vice principal for me. I went with the vice principal to her office, and we talked about what happened. She called my mom, and she had my mom bring me my piano sheet music. I got permission to play a piano and I didn't have to go to my classes. I slowly started feeling better.

I've finally realised what happened. It wasn't the medication making me feel better, I was bottling up my feelings and pushing them to the back of my mind. So what I thought was me getting better was just me pretending nothing was wrong, pretending I was okay. You'd think I'd have learnt that bottling up emotions just leads to a breakdown sooner or later, but I don't learn. Hopefully I won't make the same mistake again. I don't want this to happen again.

I'm still off, but my piano is helping me a lot. Piano seems to help me more than my guitar and my bass do, and I still don't completely understand why. But hey, if it works, it works. Listening to music has helped as well, my music expressed my emotions for me.

So yeah, today I hit rock bottom, but I think I'll slowly be okay. I'll survive. If I survived grade six, I can get through this as well. It may take a long time, but I'll slowly get better. I just have to focus on getting better and keeping myself from self-harm.

Here's the links to this week's song and Twin Skeletons (Hotel In NYC):

5 comments:

I'm sorry things have been so bad again and that I didn't order the tickets ahead of time. I'm glad you're back to your writing and that the piano is helping. Remember you can always come to us. We love you very much.

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings Micah. I hope it helps you. It is terrifying when thoughts and feelings can't be controlled. You know yourself better than anyone - I believe you are right that you will slowly get better. Thinking of you.