Windsor, ON – Pamela and Craig Davidson have reached a breaking point with their third child, eight-year-old Damian. “We take great pride in our social media accounts and document every aspect of our lives and Damian just isn’t pulling his weight” Mrs. Davidson explained after reviewing Damian’s annual back to school photo.

“We noticed a trend since first grade and now that he is entering third grade it is becoming readily apparent that our son just isn’t photogenic enough to be included on our Facebook and Instagram accounts” according to Craig Davidson, adding “We’ve cultivated an image of our family that the world gets to see and clearly we can’t make other people envious with an ugly child in our pictures”.

Mrs. Davidson put a positive spin on the problem “Our other children look great in all of our pictures so we’re just going to have to be creative when we include Damian in our posts. We’ll put him behind the other kids or use filters the best we can to mask his inadequacies so be sure to follow us on social media!”

Windsor, ON – Mike Lalonde, age 54, of Windsor, Ontario has come up with a solution for people who complain about the Amber Alert waking up them up in the middle of the night. “It just hit me the other night when the alert went off at 3:00am. I’ve changed my ring tone on my phone to the sound of the Amber Alert”.

Mr. Lalonde explained further “The problem for most people is that the Amber Alert noise is startling and if it goes off in the middle of the night you find it jarring. However when your phone rings you know someone is trying to get in touch with you to have a chat. This is the best of both worlds really. I want to know about the Amber Alerts but I don’t want to be startled by the sound of the alert. So now that my phone makes the alert sound I’ve gotten totally used to it. I stay informed about alerts and I still get my calls”.

Mr. Lalonde did have another suggestion “Maybe people could just stop kidnapping children. That would work too”.

Windsor, ON – Garry Hunt, age 53, from Windsor is new to the dating world of 2019. “I was married for twenty years and just started dating after my divorce” the bewildered Hunt explained to gathered media on Friday Morning adding “And I met this girl and she is her in early 30’s and she pretty much only communicates by text message when we’re not together”.

Mr. Hunt detailed his dilemma further “Yesterday she sent me this text with only emojis in it. I have no idea what it means. It has a purple devil, an eggplant, a turtle, all kinds of stuff. Is this normal? Have people actually given up on words to communicate?”

Mr. Hunt plans on contacting the University of Windsor for assistance before replying “I am hoping they have someone there like the guy from the Da Vinci Code who can tell me what this means. I think I am either going to hook-up this weekend or she is going to kill me”.

Windsor, ON – Late Monday evening a U.S. drone was detected flying into Canadian air space near the Detroit River. In a barrage of light and sound Canada responded by shooting approximately ten thousand short range rockets at the drone.

“It is not readily apparent if we actually hit anything but we’re assuming we got the drone” an unnamed source inside Canadian Rocket Command reported “We’re not taking any chances however and we’re keeping an eye out for a blimp that was reported in the area earlier in the evening”.

When asked what the possible encroachment was about the CRC source advised “We can only speculate at this time but we’d have to assume it was some kind of a spy mission. We’ve had reports that they’ve been after our pizza recipes in Windsor for some time and this incursion may be related to that. I mean have you had a Bob’s Pizza or a Happy Pizza? They’re just awful”.

Windsor, ON – After becoming a huge Toronto Raptors and St. Louis Blues fan over the last three weeks, Larry Moxley of Windsor doesn’t know what do to with the rest of his summer now that the NBA and NHL seasons are over. “It’s been a crazy couple of weeks with both of my favourite teams winning their respective championships” said Moxley during a Friday morning media scrum.

Mr. Moxley went to explain his current dilemma “As I really don’t watch sports regularly I am in tough spot. I’m sort of like the Blues having to win game seven on the road. I could go with baseball but I think it is far too early in the baseball season to get on a team’s bandwagon but I guess I could pick a team now and tell everyone I am a huge fan then just change teams if my team doesn’t do well when the playoffs start”.

While he figures out where to next place his sports allegiances Mr. Moxley is headed to Toronto on Monday for the Raptors championship parade “I’ve been their biggest fan the last three weeks how could I miss the parade?”

Windsor, ON – Local sports aficionado Larry Moxley, age 42, of Windsor is looking forward to the Toronto Raptors first appearance in the NBA Finals tonight. “I’ve actually never watched an entire basketball game from start to finish but I am very excited about the Raptors run to a championship!”

Mr. Moxley reports that in addition to never having seen an entire game before that he also just purchased his first basketball jersey “I used to have a Harlem Globetrotters t-shirt when I was a kid but this week I bought a Raptors jersey. I got a Leonard Kawhi jersey since we both have the same first name I thought I’d get his jersey to show my support”.

“Last time I was this charged up for a game was when the Blue Jays were in the major league baseball playoffs. I bought a big foam finger that year. I couldn’t find a Raptors one this year but with any luck someone will give me the finger tonight” Moxley said as headed downtown to get a spot at Charles Clark Square to watch the game.

Windsor, ON – In a discovery of epic proportions Christopher Dunne, age 17, of Windsor, Ontario has stumbled across a solution for world hunger and famine relief. “I can’t believe someone hadn’t thought of this already. It is so simple!” Mr. Dunne exclaimed at the start of his press conference on Friday morning to announce his discovery.

Mr. Dunne described the scene to the gathered media “I was watching television and I saw one of those commercials asking for a monthly donation for world famine relief and then it happened. The very next commercial was for Skip-The-Dishes. That’s when it hit me! People who are starving and can’t get food just have to call Skip-The-Dishes or Uber-Eats or Grub-Hub and get the food delivered to them. I use these all the time. I am surprised no one has thought of this before!”

Mr. Dunne expanded further on his plan “And then this morning I saw a commercial that grocery stores deliver now too. This is even better because people shouldn’t be eating take-out all the time that’s not good for you”. Mr. Dunne concluded with an update on his plans for assisting with the problem of global climate change “I don’t want to go into too much detail here because I haven’t figured out all the logistics yet but involves really hot weather in third world countries and a really big air conditioner.”

Windsor, ON – Growing up James Arthur, age 25, of Windsor was told by his mother that he would spoil his dinner and that he would not have an appetite if he ate cookies before the meal was served. Deciding to put this to the test Mr. Arthur conducted a study this past month and reached the conclusion that you will indeed spoil your dinner by eating cookies.

“I had a plate of Oreo cookies for before dinner twice last week. I had the limited edition Oreo’s, the Most Stuff kind, and I really didn’t feel like having dinner an hour later. Who knew? My Mom was right all along” Mr. Arthur revealed during a summary presentation on his findings.

When asked what his next area of study will be Mr. Arthur said he plans to the test the theory on whether or not he will go blind if he keeps up nightly bedtime routines.

Windsor, ON – Justin Richards, age 27, of Windsor is recovering after a harrowing encounter with a cougar last Saturday night. “She came out of nowhere. I barely had time to react” Richards reported to gathered media “The city really has to do something to protect people”.

Richards’ ordeal began innocently enough last weekend when he was out for a drinks with some friends at a local tavern. “My friends left and I was finishing my beer that’s when she pounced”. The cougar, later identified as Diane Bayliss, age 47 also of Windsor, approached Mr. Richards and that’s when the encounter turned ugly.

“Suddenly she was standing beside me, rubbing my back and offering to buy me a drink. She said she was out celebrating her second divorce and was going to make it a memorable night. I couldn’t get out of there. She had had me cornered. She said she was going to another bar to see a Nickelback tribute band and wanted me to come with her. I’ve never been so scared in my life” Richards said.

The quick thinking victim managed to escape the predator by going to the men’s room and then sneaking out the door when the cougar was distracted by an incoming text message on her phone but says he has learned a lesson “They seem to only go after the single, stray or injured. It is best to stay in a large group. If you fall behind the herd that’s when the cougars pounce”.