What Now?

Is there hope after intermarriage?

Question: I was educated in public schools, not day schools. My friends were mostly non-Jews, and so were my boyfriends. My parents are both Jewish but they are unhappily married. I thought that if I found a man who loved me, even if he wasn't Jewish, I'd be far better off than my parents.

I am now intermarried with two children. The love faded, and intermarriage bred its own problems. My children attend church instead of synagogue. My son is almost 13, without any bar mitzvah celebration in sight. I regret this, and I wish I could explore Judaism now. My husband wouldn't stop me, but he wouldn't participate either.

My heart tells me to explore Judaism, but my mind tells me that if I like it, it may cause irrevocable damage to my marriage, and subsequent harm to our children. So I feel stuck. Is there anything I can do?

Signed, What Now?

Answer: I can't imagine how hard this situation is for you. You seem to be feeling a spiritual awakening and I would encourage you to do whatever you can, as best as you can. Don't give up that first step because of what the future may bring; the future may surprise you. After taking that first step, you may find the strength to take another one. Also, new possibilities will come into view.

What can you do to start? Take small steps. For example, the Internet is filled with Jewish resources. Use them. Subscribe to Jewish websites. Search for MP3 lectures that catch your interest; listen to them while you commute to work or go for a jog. Print media also has its advantages – Jewish magazines and books (you can easily find them on the web). Buy them and keep them around. Your home will already start to feel different, more Jewish.

Beyond that, does your local synagogue have a monthly calendar? Perhaps they have an evening class you can attend? Or you might enjoy something less formal to start with. Find out if they have regular social functions – breakfasts, luncheons, and maybe even weekend retreats. Make new friends. Look for that person you can confide in over cups of cappuccino; she's probably waiting for you.

You said that your children attend church. Why not bring them to synagogue?

Also, you said that your children attend church. Why not bring them to synagogue? Maybe you can even send them to Jewish youth group activities. They'll have something to sort out later in life, but at least you’re giving them a chance to connect to the Jewish people. Tens of thousands of college students have traveled to Israel because of these small sparks of Judaism from their childhood. "We lit Chanukah candles when I was a kid but I didn't understand why. I came here to find out!" Why not your children, too? The more sparks you provide for them, the more likely you will ignite their interest. While you're providing sparks, maybe light Shabbat candles and make a special Friday night dinner.

You might be wondering about keeping kosher, and it's probably not feasible for you right now to change over your kitchen etc. But it’s not all or nothing. Look for kosher symbols like O-U on your everyday food products. And perhaps there are certain non-kosher foods that you could consume less of.

It’s all about creating a consciousness of being a Jew. And every effort counts.

If you feel you may have made a mistake way back when, don’t let that dictate the rest of your life. You still have options, and the free will to pursue the stirrings of your soul. It would be a huge mistake to ignore or deny those feelings. They will gnaw at you, and become the source of future regrets.

Finally, I'll ask, why did you marry this man? Didn't you think he was considerate, loving, and caring (and probably intelligent, too)? If you've found that Judaism has value, if you've found that it brings meaning and happiness to your life, would he deny it to you? He may show an interest after all.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 26

(26)
Anonymous,
August 8, 2010 4:06 AM

My dearest,
All I can tell you about this difficult situation is that Hashem has lit a sparkle in your heart and you suddenly started asking yourself such questions, but I`m sure that, as difficult your situation may seem, if G-d has lit that sparkle in you certanly he loves you and will help you figure out what to do, what`s best for you and make you and your family feel happy and fullfilled!
All the best, beatzlaja!

(25)
dani miller,
August 2, 2010 11:11 PM

divorce him asap and return to your heritage

divorce him asap

(24)
alice,
August 2, 2010 5:09 AM

hi Rachel!

I've noticed the same thing - ie that religious Jews are far more accepting of converts than 'cultural jews'. I think that this is because many non-religous Jews have rejected the religion of judaism, without actually knowing anything about the religion! I think that people like that are often quite confronted by converts as it makes them question their rejection of the religion - and most of us don't like feeling like we may have got it wrong. I think that most of us who are religious have the opposite feeling! i.e 'people are CHOOSING Judaism? yay! we got it right!'

(23)
Anonymous,
July 30, 2010 10:27 AM

Re: (21) Rachel, July 27, 2010

We are commanded to love and respect the convert, no less than a fellow Jew. I hope keep the knowledge that you're no less special than any other Jewish souls.

(22)
Laurie Pannullo,
July 29, 2010 12:51 PM

Wonderful Answer

I am pretty much in the same situation....and the answer given is incredible! Thank you! I need to slow down and take one step at a time!

(21)
Rachel,
July 27, 2010 10:37 PM

Don't take no for an answer

Unfortunately, not everyone in the Jewish community will be sympathetic to your situation. But if the first person you talk to or the first shul you try is unwelcoming, keep looking. I'm a female convert to Judaism, married to a born-Jewish man who was raised with little religious identity (his parents were hidden children and his grandparents died in the Holocaust.) Even 25 years since my conversion, I still occasionally meet hostile or suspicious people. And some people are just surprised or curious about what led me (with a strong sense of Irish ethnic identity) to nonetheless become a Jew. So I'm polite to questions up to a point -- and if they're still obnoxious, then I just don't have anything more to do with them. Ironically, I've often found that the Orthodox community is more welcoming when they see my level of commitment than are many non-observant Jews whose Jewish identity is purely ethnic rather than religious.

(20)
laurie Fisher,
July 27, 2010 5:28 PM

hope

I also have an interfaith marriage, and turned my back on Judaism for a while but as my daughter came closer to 13 I joined a reform temple my daughter joined a youth group. She is now a member of the orthodox community married to a lovely man and my husband while maintaining his own religion also participated in our temple, life is compromise and if you dont try you do yourself harm.

(19)
Anonymous,
July 27, 2010 5:34 AM

To Anonymous too

Just BE AS NICE TO THEM AS YOU CAN!
They'll remember that far more than anything else.

(18)
jgarbuz,
July 26, 2010 6:10 PM

A warning every Jewish father should give his son!

If you marry a non-Jewish lady, no matter how lovely or how much you are both in love, your children will not be part of the tribe. They will not be Jews. That is the penalty, so to speak, for straying from our ancient tribal law. Why this must be so is a long historical debate. But it is this that has kept us a distinct people. Every tribe has its rules and laws, but every tribe must defend its existence as it can.

(17)
Anonymous,
July 26, 2010 6:10 PM

Try Oorah, they can be very helpful in helping adults and children find their way home spirutually.

Try Oorah, they can be very helpful in helping families find their way home spiritually.

(16)
Folke Holtz,
July 26, 2010 1:46 PM

Go on and deepen you in the Jewish life.

A love and a fire in Jewish life can draw the whole family to Judaism. Why not contact Chabad who arrange so much for families and children? I go regular to Beit Midrash and listen to our Chabad-rabbi and also the local ortodox rabbi. They have so much to give.
And last but not the smallest: i love these kinds of articles who promote that Judaism is not all or nothing. These articles do help me and many with me a lot. it shows the wonderful Jewish life. Thank you very much.

(15)
Anonymous too,
July 26, 2010 12:12 PM

Intermarriage

The delicate problem I have is concerning my 2 nieces. My brother married a non Jew. While I still lived in the States, I would expose them to Jewishness, but since I made aliyah 11 years ago, they don't know about anything Jewish and I am afraid they have become real anti-Jewish and anti-Israel. They are young adults now, 15 and 19 and will be here shortly for my son's bar mitzvah. How do I reconnect with them without being pushy or overbearing. They have picked up very misleading information and are not willing so far to look from another view. I afraid to say they have swallowed all the revisionist history and don't know the truth. If it is not my place to intervene, fine, but it hurts me to see my brothers children believing as they do. It is one thing if they choose to be Christian, but they are fallen for the Moslem propanda that Jews and Israelis are the oppressors. The oldest has a Moslem boyfriend for years now and it terrifies me that she really doesn't understand, if she marries him, she will not be able to continue her educational aspirations and be trapped in a oppressive marriage. We know from other women's experiences, that moslem men are no longer "liberal" once you marry them. Any advice you can give me would be most helpful. Thank you.

(14)
Yechiel VN,
July 26, 2010 10:29 AM

All of the best...

As a man who went through this with a non-Jewish wife and becoming more religious in my early 40's I empathize. It is very difficult but whatever you do, don't turn away from your "gut" telling you to explore Judaism.
Keep in mind that your children are 100% Jewish by the most Orthodox standards, regardless of where they went last Sunday. Start showing them some things that are Jewish and G-d willing take them to a Shul or Chabad or Israel so they can see what it is to be around Jewish people.
I also grew up in a family in a non-Jewish area and my father was not Jewish. I would have probably rejected some Jewish ideas as a teenager so I suppose that your teens might be the same. Take it slow with them.
Good Luck and may G-d Bless you and help you through this difficult and defining moment in your life.

(13)
Anonymous,
July 26, 2010 7:04 AM

To the writer of the artiicle,
I am the product of a third generation mixed marriage and grew up knowing nothing about my jewish ancestry, something i think my faather who has a strong Anglo identity, felt somewhat embaressed about.
i never felt comfortable in a Church setting or with the theology, but always had a profound belief in Hashem, I never went looking for a religion, just discovered that Judaism was consistent to my intuitive level of comfort and as such am currently converting Orthodox.
There are so many beautifiul aspects to Judaism which is a tapestry of rich, religious, spiritual and cultural and historical wealth, I would say, find a friendly embarcing and warm shul and Jewish community with a outreach programme for children and teach them about Judaism.
Wish you and your the best !

(12)
Chanah,
July 26, 2010 6:15 AM

a different kind of outcome

I found myself in exactly this situation years ago. I didn't grow up with many Jews and married a non-Jew. I tried his Christianity for awhile - we lived in a small town and that's all there was. My children went to church with all their friends. But eventually I learned about Judaism through a church outreach! Talk about Hashem using whatever He can! I started on my Jewish roots quest. My husband was not happy about it; I suspect he's a latent anti-Semite, because the marriage suffered and he had an affair. So we divorced, I went to Israel and the rest is history. One of my daughters became active in Hillel and attended a Conservative shul for the holidays. The other one ended up best friends with another Jewish girl she met in college, but neither of them are observant. Both of them are now turned off to any religion; one lives in Israel and one in the US.
I don't share this to rain on anyone's parade. I don't regret choosing Judaism and an observant lifestyle. It seems G-d allowed the marriage to fail to free me to pursue my faith, which led me to Israel where I now live. My second husband converted and loves Israel and the Jewish lifestyle. I share this so "What Now" will know there are more outcomes possible, but Hashem's will is all that matters and if you put Him first, He'll provide.

(11)
Rebecca,
July 26, 2010 4:36 AM

Interfaith Love

I only dated Jewish men, but almost 30 years ago I felt deeply for a non Jew who was in my life. He had many Jewish friends, and an affinity for Jewish culture. He also was attracted to me, but we didn't pursue this at all, I wouldn't even consider dating a non Jew and we never discussed his spiritual feelings, and I married a Jewish man who I felt that I could build a good life with. Unfortunately my husband left me and our progeny ten years ago. The non Jewish man I had known many years before came back into my life- and he had converted during our time apart- and we are getting married. My round about point is that if you have already married a non Jewish person, there may be a reason- perhaps their soul is also Jewish, it does happen! Follow your soul's desire without fear, be open to the light!

(10)
Shaggy,
July 26, 2010 1:42 AM

Consider this:

It is senseless to worry about the faith of a child in an inter-faith marriage. Live your faith to the fullest in front of your child and the child will follow the faith of the parent who most lives his or her faith. You say your son goes to church but not to synagogue. Go to synagogue and take your children with you. Live your faith to the fullest and let them witness your love of your faith. hashem will work things out in His own time and way. Never worry, Hashem knows what he is doing.

(9)
daniela,
July 26, 2010 12:43 AM

I must admit...

I, too am curious to know what the advice would be to someone who is a man married to a non-Jewish woman.

(8)
Anonymous,
July 26, 2010 12:11 AM

Intermarried/Male Jew/Female Not

I was Catholic when I married my Jewish husband. When we had kids, we had to decide how to raise them. We decided to raise them "Jewishly". I went to a class so I could learn the correct answers to their questions. During the course of the 6 month course, I discovered that the teachings within Catholicism that I held closest from my youth, were actually very Jewish concepts, and the things I had the most difficulty with were uniquely Catholic. At that point I realized that I should have been born a Jew and I needed to rectify the situation. I started studying with the local rabbi and about 8 months into the process told my husband I was studying for conversion. This came as a shock to him and caused him to look more deeply into his spiritual needs. I didn't want him to think I was converting because of him. It was my choice based on what I was learning and feeling. 18 years later, my kids are yeshiva educated and on their way to finding a Jewish mate (they will only date Jews). Go figure.

(7)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2010 11:24 PM

I did the same thing

and had a spiritual awakening in my late 30's. My husband did not convert, but went along with it. Fortunately he supported raising our children as Jews. I did what you did, one step at a time. There is always hope..and the journey is worth it.

(6)
Erica,
July 25, 2010 7:59 PM

Intermarried doesn't mean you cannot raise your children Jewish

Especially when you, the Jew, are the mother. If you are having second thoughts, this could be a time of great growth for the entire family. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page or it will threaten your relationship. Even for your children, it isn't too late. People come and go from the fold. If they don't come now, they will see your interest and your studies and may open themselves to it later. Good luck with your explorations and hopefully you can find real Jews to do it with, slowly and thoughtfully.

(5)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2010 7:56 PM

"Home School" your kids!

I'm intermarried, but my wife totally supports our bringing up our kids Jewish -- as much from her being "turned off" by her own religious upbringing as anything else. We joined a Reform congregation nearby, but my son, then 8, hated it. I attended a session with him and I agreed, it was a total bore. Meanwhile, I had enjoyed reading the weekly installments of "Crash Course in Jewish History" on this site, and when the book became available, bought a copy. I started reading a bit of it to my son every night, instead of the mindless, pointless childrens books that we had been reading. Long story short: Wow. He loves this book! We can hardly get through a paragraph without him asking a dozen questions -- which I can explain! Some of the stuff I didn't know, or had forgotten from my own boring religious school, fascinated me as well. If I can't answer a question, we just read on a little further. It means everything to him that he's learning this stuff from me -- that being Jewish is held to be valuable by ME. In addition, this has brought us closer together in the kind of talking / sharing relationship that I never had with my own father. Charles looks forward to this time we spend learning this Jewish history together every day. "Dad, can we read the Jewish book tonight?" True story! Thank you, Aish.

(4)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2010 4:34 PM

Hope

When I married my non-Jewish husband I was very far away from Judaism. We did not raise our children with any observance, except for attending seders and High Holiday services with our extended family. When our son was approaching Bar Mitzvah age I, too, started feeling a strong pull. We found a tutor for him and had a "homemade" Bar Mitzvah ceremony, joined a Conservative synagogue, and started going to Shabbat services. Everything has grown from there. I loved going and it filled a part of me that had been empty and needy. I believe it was about letting G-d into my life. My husband loved it too and B"H during the last 17 years he has had a Conservative and then an Orthodox conversion, we joined an Orthodox shul, and our children are young adults who are each also finding their way on our path. My husband and I show them the joy of Judaism as we celebrate Shabbat and the holidays and we try to work on our middos, showing them that people can keeping growing and changing. We take full responsibility for any kashrut issues when we are with our beloved extended, very secular family, so they don't become a dividing point. I thank Hashem everyday for the gift of teshuvah, for coming back wholeheartedly, for my husband and I sharing this journey, and for the wonderful teachers I have found along the way. Aish HaTorah, too, has been like a lifeline for me. I wish you all the best on your journey. One more thing. Pray everyday - express the wishes of your heart to Hashem.

(3)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2010 1:05 PM

Sites and Learning

Hi - first of all, I would like to wish you much success and happiness on your new path. Just two pointers: if you want to look into Judaism online, that's great, but do be wary of sites that profess to be Jewish, but, in reality, are there to distract people from that goal; they are out there. Secondly, it's been implied in the response and the first comment, but there is a program called Partners In Torah - get in touch with them (look them up at www.partnersintorah.org), and they'll set you up with someone you can learn with at your own pace, according to your schedule, at your convenience, and what you're interested in. I hope all goes well for you!!

(2)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2010 10:52 AM

in case you didn't know...

Everything written here in applies when it's the woman who is Jewish. Thank you Aish for all that you do to bring out lost souls back.

(1)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2010 7:26 AM

I am also intermarried

and have felt in the past that I should just forget about being Jewish. I have shed more than a few tears over this situation. But, I found aish and through this organization have come to realize that it isn't "all or nothing." I have a partner in Torah who I have been learning with and also I am planning on sending our daughter to Chabad Hebrew school. So far, my husband has pretty much rolled with the punches. I would advise anyone who is intermarried to cast all doubt aside and go for it.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!