Wow...I woke up this morning and got all these wonderful comments. I'm new here so it is really nice to see.

I totally agree with everyone here, I think the woulda, shoulda, couldas, and all that latent down teen talk should be cut down in the "head talk" and be left for dialog. I really don't want her sounding too annoying and chatty. Too much is just too much.

This is actually my third YA novel, my first one is being subbed by my agent. The second is awaiting her review, and now this one is being worked on. It's still in the embryo stages, so I am very open to any and all suggs. Thank you again everyone. It really was a great welcome to the boards! Goodness, and I just posted it yesterday!

Hi Lisa, I've too been told that my style is chatty so it's no wonder that I liked your piece, and I'm still learning to find that in my own work. I agree with all the critiques you've been given here, I see some of the chattiness and the trying to sound like a teenage girl feeling a little forced. But I really enjoyed your voice and liked your style a lot! Good luck!

Hi, Lisa. What I noticed is that your characters frequently use each others' names in dialogue. In real life conversations, people rarely do this. As for the chattiness, as this is only an early version of your story, you'll probably cut down on a lot of it in various stage of editing. For now, just write what comes naturally.

And no, it doesn't sound too Holdenish to me at all (and I'm a TCITR fan). It's sounds YA, period.

You know Zoe, a few others have said that too, after the (**) that it gets better. (from the other writing boards I'm on)

I've tweaked and toned the beginning, I hope, enough to move on. I even changed her name too. Yeah, I thought the start was rough too. Thank you so much for coming by Zoe. (love the name too, I have the little sister that name (Bug)) thanks!