I
am sunk into a depression over the election results. I started
out Anyone But Bush but actually came to like John Kerry,
which makes his defeat even harder. I feel like I am looking
at four years of prison and share this country with a pack
of baboons. Everywhere I look I see that smug bastard’s picture
and I am filled with grief.

Skip the sex for a week or a few weeks. I need advice on how
to get through a second Bush term. Thank you.

—A
Freaked Fan

Before
I get to how we’re going to deal with four more years of this
shit, here’s the really hilarious thing about last Tuesday
for me personally: My boyfriend and I have been looking for
a house since June. Finding a house in the city where we live
is harder than finding a secular humanist in a red state.
So when we finally found a nice little three bedroom that
needed a new roof in a neighborhood near our son’s school,
we jumped on it, made a bid, haggled with the current owners
over the price, and finally signed all the papers on . . .
Tuesday, November 2, 2004. It was noon and we couldn’t have
been happier—we not only found a house, but exit polls had
Kerry coasting to victory. Ah, the gay American dream—a boyfriend,
a kid, our own home, and a Democrat headed to the White House.

Then 24 hours later we were wishing we never found that fucking
house. Because now—right now, as I write this, the day after
the election—we can’t picture ourselves staying in this country.
I know, I know—lots of liberals, lefties, queers, actors,
and musicians threatened to leave the country if George W.
Bush won in 2000. Very few of us left. Why? Here’s my theory:
Because Bush actually didn’t win the election in 2000. Knowing
that Bush stole the election, I was able to look my fellow
Americans in the eye and think, shit, we didn’t elect this
guy. The majority of us voted against the dumb asshole. And
come 2004 we would vote him out. But he didn’t steal it this
time, this time the asshole actually got elected. That changes
things.

This is a disorienting time to be an American homo. George
W. Bush appears to have won the White House on “values,” not
security, “values” being code for gay marriage, abortion,
and stem cells—but mostly gay marriage. Anti-gay-
marriage amendments passed in 11 states, and pundits are saying
that the anti-gay vote got Bush elected. Okay, so America
hates the gays—that I can live with, and it means we should
probably get the fuck out while getting the fucking out is
good.

But does America hate the gays? David Sedaris is a national
phenomenon. That ol’ carpet muncher Ellen DeGeneres has a
hit TV talk show. A pole-smoker writes the most widely syndicated
sex advice column in the country. Lupe Valdez, a lesbian,
was elected sheriff in Dallas County, Texas, last Tuesday.
And George W. Bush gave his acceptance speech standing on
a stage next to Dick Cheney’s carpet-munching daughter and
her bulldyke girlfriend. (Let’s pause here to imagine the
pit in hell these two lesbos will roast in.) This shit just
doesn’t compute, America. Can we get some consistency here?
Should we stay or should we go? I’ve got this cool new house—do
I put it back on the market or what?

Back to you, AFF. Provided we don’t all leave, here’s how
we get through a second Bush term: For at least the next four
years, American lefties, artists, and queers should not consider
this land our land, it is not a land of opportunity that spreads
from sea to shining sea. No, we live on a chain of islands,
an archipelago, not a continent. Sane people live on our islands—New
York, San Francisco, Denver, Seattle, Portland, Madison, Austin,
Boston, and on and on, basically all the cities, in red states
and blue, that voted for Kerry—and we may not be the majority
right now, and it may feel like sea levels are rising, but,
hey, we own all the best real estate. We’ve got the cities,
the Northeast, the Midwest, and West Coast. And what have
they got? The Wal-Marts, the West Virginias, the Alabamas,
the McMansions, and the mega-churches. Fuck ’em. Let ’em have
that crap. We’ll fight the fuckers in two years during the
midterm elections and take back Congress. And we’ll take ’em
on again in four years and take back the White House. In the
meantime, enjoy island life.

I’m
writing to hold you and every one of your readers to the promise
that I know each of you made sometime within the last four
years: “If Bush wins again, I’m moving to Canada.” Our border
is open and we need the population. You will be welcomed here
with open arms and warm bongs. Sure, you may not make as much
money here, and you will have to wait in line to get that
hip replacement, but at least your son will get a flu shot,
your “partner” will be your spouse, and 51 percent of your
countrymen are not stupid enough to vote Bush. Come join us—the
grass really is greener here.

—Canadians
Abhor Nuts

Thanks
for the invite, CAN, and I’m thinking about it. For other
Americans thinking about heading north, I recommend these
two websites: www.marryanamerican.ca (for laughs) and www.cic.gc.ca
(for serious).

I
can’t believe that you fucking faggots could fuck it up for
everyone like this. If you faggots had just waited until after
the election to start getting married, then we wouldn’t have
to put up with George W. Bush and Republican control of both
houses of Congress. When they take away my grandmother’s Social
Security to pay for the invasion of France, I’m going to point
my finger in your face and say, “You helped this happen.”

—Stupid,
Stupid Faggots

I
hear you, SSF. And while we’re apportioning blame for the
current fucked state o’ the nation, let’s not forget all those
stupid, stupid African Americans who fucked up the Democratic
lock on the south by launching the civil rights movement.
Jesus, we’d have a Democratic Senate right now if it weren’t
for them! Remember what LBJ said when he signed the Civil
Rights Act in 1964? “We have lost the South for a generation.”
Wrong! The Dems wound up losing the South for two, three,
four, or more generations. All because selfish blacks wanted
to vote, get educations, and sit wherever they damn well pleased
on the bus. The nerve of some people!

Look, the gay marriage issue and the anti-gay-marriage amendments
brought the knuckle-draggers to the polls, for sure, can’t
deny it. But one day Dems might thank us homos for this—the
only consoling argument out there now is that the Dems dodged
a bullet by losing this election. Iraq is a mess, the economy
is a mess—the next four years are going to be an ugly shit
storm. If Kerry had been in the White House, the Republicans
and their media attack dogs would have pinned it all on the
Dems. With Bush in the White House and the Rs still in control
of Congress, they have no one to blame for the shit storm
but themselves.

But, hey, if this cold-comfort analysis is wrong, SSF, if
we all live to regret the gay marriage issue coming to a head,
rest assured that all the dykes and faggots out there will
pay a high price for it.