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The Athens Olympics drew huge television ratings for women's
beach volleyball Friday among U.S. viewers. The credit was given
to the Title IX law for opening the door to women in sports. The
guy who invented Spandex and baby oil gets no credit at all.

Augusta National said commercials will air on The Masters in
April. Feminist groups despise the all-male club. For the last two
years protesters were kept in a pen a mile from the event, and now
all presidential campaigns are run that way.

Carl Lewis ripped President Bush for using Olympic athletes
from Iraq in his ads. He must resent the presidency in general.
Carl Lewis was the world's fastest human until Bill Clinton went
from impeachment to book deal in twelve million flat.

Tom Brokaw complained last week that NBC was shut out of
hosting a presidential debate. It's a crying shame. Think of how
many more people would watch the debates if they consisted of the
Bush Twins versus the Kerry Daughters in beach volleyball.

Time magazine's latest poll has President Bush slightly
ahead of John Kerry as the GOP Convention begins. Teresa Heinz
Kerry has only a twenty-five percent approval rating. This
demonstrates that one out of four Americans writes comedy for a living.

John Kerry denied allegations by the Swift Boat Veterans
that he was a medal hunter in the Vietnam War. He insists that he
has done nothing to promote himself. People in Los Angeles
recognize that as the first sign of clinical depression.