Monday, 29 May 2017

I quite like
eccentric people, particularly those who are genuinely intelligent and slightly
odd. You know the kind of person I mean;
somebody who is so intelligent that they don’t have time for things like
fashion, style, mainstream hobbies and conventional culture.

My kind of genius

Sadly, there
is a particular breed of pseudo-intellectual that tries to emulate these
eccentric geniuses by being odd just for the sake of it. These people are known
as hipsters. I’m sure you have heard of them.

During my
life, I have encountered many flawed geniuses who simply don’t have the time or
patience to worry about their dress sense, hairstyles and don’t feel the need
to become a normal social animal, choosing instead to immerse themselves
completely in the subjects that fascinate them.

For example, a university professor with wild uncontrolled hair whose
fashion sense was born (and remains) in the 1960’s or the computer nerd who
spends every waking hour on his computer devising amazing software for fun and,
when he’s not fully engrossed in that will plunge into hours of science fiction
and become an absolute expert on everything relating to Doctor Who, Star Trek
and Lord of the Rings.

I like these
people.

My kind of genius

Over the
years, people like this have started to get more respect and others are seeing
the light, choosing to embrace them rather than mock them.

Hipsters are
latching onto this and trying to portray themselves as – well – weird – but in
a cool, fashionable and trendy way. I know for a fact that they are
pseudo-intellectuals because, unlike flawed geniuses, the only things that come
out of their mouths is a blend of philosophy and bullshit.

Hipsters go
one step further – they purposely go out to make themselves stand out as
eccentric. They actually fail miserably though because the genius will not
spend a fortune on his weird attire and has no desire whatsoever to attract
people to them because of their unconventional dress sense.

A hipster is
the kind of person who will go to a pub and be positively thrilled that his
fish and chips is served in a bucket or his full English breakfast comes on a
shovel.

Hipster Breakfast

Hipster coffee

Hipsters
look down on people like me who like conventional things like sport and rock
music, although they will be interested in my travel exploits, particularly to
the more exotic places I’ve had the good fortune to visit.

You see, the
hipster tries to portray himself as a cool, open-minded intellectual who is
fascinated by everything and anything, as long as it is avant-garde.

A hipster
will dress in, frankly, weird clothes – the weirder the better.

His musical
taste is bizarre. Your typical hipster will buy a record full of Peruvian pop
songs (even though he doesn’t understand Spanish). Note – it has to be a record
that he can play on his 1970’s record player because a CD is too modern and
mainstream.

The hipster
will also like to portray himself as an intelligent creative genius who will
try his hand at absolutely anything from writing bizarre poetry to playing
weird instruments. He is the kind of person who will buy a penny farthing and
voluntarily go to underground theatres to watch strange meaningless plays. His
house will be full of bric-a-brac that he “found on his travels” but in reality
cost a small fortune from Camden Market. He will also not understand anything he
owns, says or creates, but will boast about it all using philosophical evidence
to back his long descriptive words, which will make no sense to truly
intelligent people, impressing only those who are trying to be hipsters
themselves - pseudo-hipsters if you like.

The hipster will want to travel where his heart takes him, choosing to
visit strange countries with nothing but four hipster T-shirts, a pair of
sandals and a pair of garish crazy shorts. He will acquire strange tattoos that
he claims came from local people who rarely see tourists because, of course, a
hipster simply cannot go to a place where conventional people go! Oh no! That
wouldn’t be cool.

Travel Hipster

You see,
hipsters are a paradox. They like to portray themselves as outsiders and social
pariahs but the only reason they do so is to be cool and popular socially. They
love to bore you with tales of their exploits.

“Oh this
tattoo? It means “I am eternal light!” in Thai. It is the work of a 92 year old
elder in a remote village near to Chiang Mai. She did it for nothing because
she liked a poem I wrote for her.”

“I’ll have
the Messy Combo Vegetarian Burger with Melon Fries and Mustard Mayonnaise
please. No, it’s fine if it comes on a roof slate. It’s more authentic that
way.”

“Here’s a
novel I wrote last week. It’s about a woman on a journey of self-discovery in
the caves of Izca. I wrote it on a typewriter in Cossack’s Coffee shop. It’s
called “The Imagination Cube”. I don’t want to sell it; I needed to write it
for my own self-discovery.”

Finally, if
you still don’t recognise a hipster – here are a few photos I have found on the
web.

Finally, if you want to annoy a hipster, all you have to do is imply that they are now mainstream. For example, if you ever see a hipster typing poems on a 1960's typewriter in Starbucks while drinking his latte out of an avocado skin, just say, within his earshot:

"Wow! Writing your own poetry in Starbucks. That's so mainstream. There's a guy in an independent coffee shop on the High Street, who's just parked his penny farthing outside and is tattooing his arse with original poetry while singing traditional Uruguayan opera. And what a beard he has - five feet long, and dyed in the colours of the Brazilian flag. What a cool guy!"

The bearded hipster with the checked shirt and girly shorts looks like he can't decide if he is male or female.Going by all your descriptions, my daughter is a genius; supersmart and doesn't care about clothes or hair or being in style. I'm just glad she's available when I need computer help.I haven't noticed any hipsters, I guess there are some around, I just don't get out much. I do know a few pretentious braggarts though.