This story was a bit confusing in my opinion. It had a lot of stuff that was unnecessary (ie. Grisha, Mallory, Darel and Matt) and that made it even more confusing. The overall story was pretty okay, it just needs some touching up. A lot of the time I would notice that your writing seems to jump all over the place and wouldn't explain things to the reader properly (ie. going from the store to Kyle's house(?), the whole engagement thing, jumping from Kyle to Grisha or Mallory). Also there are a few minor grammatical errors that I would like to point out. "Intern" as you say is not actually spelt that way. It is spelt "in turn". There are a couple more but I'm too lazy to find them.

I checked the story and it was gone, so I checked it on Google and apparently there's a site called fpwatchers which checks all fiction sites for plagiarism. The person who plagiarised you also copied quite a few other stories to fanfiction. So I searched him/her there and when I clicked on the name it said 'the user is no longer active on this site.'

i can't find the picture of Kyle and Joey by Magalina on your profile. Sorry if i'm bugging you, i just really want to see it 3

RoXaNnA chapter 11 . 6/17/2012

This is such a cute story! Interesting plotline, though I have to admit, it gets a bit cliche sometimes. But hey, cliches wouldn't become cliches if not for their merits! Not to mention you've also got an awesome set of characters I couldn't help but fall in love with. However, the new characters are being introduced a little too quickly, making it hard to keep up with the story. You should also consider adding the translations of dialogue spoken in foreign languages in the author's notes. Overall, great story! Can't wait for your next update.

P.S. Oh, and I laughed my ass off at Naruto and Sasuke's guest appearance. So random, yet hilarious! XD

There are several things that you can work on to improve as a writer. I realize that this was written in '06, but hey, even if you've fixed some of them, there's still the odd chance that I strike something that you haven't yet, or that nobody's picked out yet. (And I know how much other people like to give constructive criticism.)

Thing of note the first: for words that are homonyms (meaning they have different meanings but sound the same or similar, ex: their, they're, there, etc...), make sure you're using the right one within a sentence. You used "except" when you meant "accept". ("People didn't except gays.")

Second, you write like you're separate from the characters; like you're not involved with the story at all. It seems detached, like there's no dimension to the story or the characters. The way you write is very shallow: it doesn't dig deep into the characters - how they think, how they act, what they say, etc...

Similarly, you give the protagonist a physical description of himself. To readers, this seems arrogant and out of place for a character. If you want to describe the protagonists, do it through other characters. Their words, for example, can be particularly useful when describing people subtly. You say that Joey compliments Kyle's eyes: instead of saying that Joey looks into Kyle's deep green eyes, have Kyle notice that Joey's looking at him, and then have Joey say that Kyle has "Nice eyes. Dark green. My favourite colour" or something to that effect.

I suggest thinking a little bit more in depth about your characters before you write using their voices. It's a good idea to get some kind of character profile quiz for your characters, just simple questions like age, political views, background, history, siblings, relationship within family, relationship between friends and so on. It sounds redundant, but it really helps toward character development and strengthening the voices you write with.