this is what happens when you dump everything out and start over

Monthly Archives: July 2013

I have the most incredible people around me. People who are kind, intuitive, smart, funny, supportive. I am dazzled by the brilliant light they shine. The sparkle that illuminates my every day. These people, call, text, visit, read my blog, I feel so much love. When I think of all the wonderful people I know it moves me to tears, but then crying is kinda my thing…
My family is un real, friends are dazzling, my co workers, generally are pretty great too. I was telling my boss I was lucky… he said having good staff was no accident. Another person who dismissed luck as the reason for my successes.
Vanessa and I were texting last week, or the week before? We were talking about the feeling like you don’t deserve, love, affection, or the acclaims you are given. How we continually minimize the effort and hard work we put into promotions, scuffing them up by blaming luck. I was lucky I was offered that promotion, ignoring the 12 hour days that were put in, the effort and attention to details, being the best (codependent trait, but also part of being a type-A). I have a real issue with people who are entitled. The world doesn’t owe you shit, and narcissists, well I feel bad for them, people who think they are a big deal, generally are covering up enormous insecurities, seething self hate. There is a balance between the two sides, funny that both extremes on either end are rooted in poor self worth.
I always get comments from other people, “You have great friends or family” I fancy myself a collector of fantastic people, for decades now. I find the Keepers…
L texted me one morning, at 9:30. And what she said sent me to my desk with a box of tissues. I sat by myself in the office and had a good cry. She sent “You know how you always say you are surrounded by awesome friends? Have you ever thought that maybe the awesomeness radiates from the center of the circle?? From you?” I Bawled. I felt like it was an outrageous claim, that I propagated any of this amazing behaviour in any way, shape or form. I had been minimizing my part in these relationships, scuffing up the “shine” with luck.
I know I am a good friend, I am loyal, and thoughtful (numbers 20 & 21 on my list of 108 things I like about myself, and yes that is where I am at for that… for now…). I know many people do not have the volume and magnitude of friendships I have, mainly because they haven’t cultivated them. I also know every interaction between 2 people, takes effort from both sides, or immense effort from one codependent person, (hahaha). So why did this simple and sweet 2 sentences send my into the comfort of my tissue box? Because I am working on improving my opinion of myself. Giving myself accolades. Accepting help. Loving me. Astounding it’s such a foreign concept…
So when you find yourself surrounded by stars? It may be safe to assume you are the sun, that you have attracted this light and love with your gravitational pull. That you are loved because you are loveable. Terrible people don’t have or keep so many great friends a wise woman once told me…

It’s true, I am a flashing whirling glowing beacon of codependency. I have been reading “Codependent no more – Melody Beattie” instead of packing or going to work early. I have read parts of the book before, My mother has read it, and recommended I buy it. I have owned this treasure, it’s been sitting on my book shelf for 5 or 6 years. I am ready for it now. It explains what a codependent is, Someone who is more involved in someone else’s life than their own. Often friends and family of people with substance abuse and addiction issues are effected to some degree. But it’s not so cut and dried. Have a spouse who is an attention seeking narcissist? Addicted to sports? Over or under eating? You may react in a codependent fashion. It may be the modeling you have had, It could be poor self-esteem or a negative self-image. Ever had your trust violated? Been cheated on, lied to, let down? All of this can trigger behaviours. Ultimately every single person on the planet could succumb to this type of coping. Everyone has had a disappointments, hurt, betrayal. Some people are better at cutting ties, commanding respect, making themselves a priority. Unfortunately… I am not one of those people. Already established, I do a poor job of taking care of myself first, and I respect myself, but fall short in demanding that from others.

So there I am sitting on the floor of my apartment reading a book, and laughing, out loud, by myself as I turn the pages. I wrote down the characteristic of a co-dependant that I felt I had, and listed a chilling 80 qualities. Fortunately awareness is the first step to making codependent a choice. There are already things that I have been doing to treat my problem. Waiting until asked for help, establishing my own thoughts and feelings on things instead of worrying about another. Taking care of myself. I do still feel guilty about it here and there, but I am not likely to instantly shut off 30ish years of conditioning. I started this post a couple of weeks ago, and I worked on finishing the book. I made notes as I went through it, and nearly used up an entire notepad. I have more homework… I am going to make a list of things I like about myself, 108 is the task at hand, no easy feat. So far I have written the numbers down on the left side of my notebook, 1-108. Yay me…

Every morning before I reach for my phone, check facebook, or my e-mail, I check in with myself. Every day I think, or ask myself “what do I need today?” One morning I needed to finish my book and blog, I moved a few things, and had a lash fill. This is not a list of should or have-to’s, it’s an exercise to decide what I need. No more shame or unwarranted guilt. They serve no purpose and make everything harder. If I am constantly putting myself into impossible situations (marathon to do lists, unrealistic expectations) I will experience the worthless stinking guilt of not meeting my own expectations, the ultimate self punishment. If I need to take the day off work, or call Cherise, or eat peanut butter ice cream, that is what I will do. I can accept that some days will be harder than others, some weeks even. “Real power comes from feeling our feelings not from ignoring them, real strength comes, not from pretending to be strong all the time but from acknowledging our weaknesses and vulnerabilities when we feel this way.”

I have to acknowledge and accept my feelings. Feelings are energy, and repressed feelings block energy…and they don’t just go away. They leak out, send you into a frenzy of distraction, or they make you sick. Sometimes… all of the above. Unpleasant feelings are like weeds, they grow wild and take over. I sometimes have feelings I don’t think are appropriate, I have a hard time letting myself feel angry. What would happen If I let myself be angry? Feel rage? Let the lid off of that tightly sealed container? The thought is frightening, but It’s also essential for the grieving process, which I’ll get to. Anger that has nowhere to go turns into depression and anxiety, and the self-hatred piles on like a big steamy pile of crap. On top of the repression I will experience guilt about how I feel, but feeling homicidal rage is not committing homicide… and unwarranted guilt and shame serves no purpose. I have been told I have deep repressed grief. I need to heal the grief so that I can move on. Grief is something co-dependents have a hard time dealing thru. Makes sense as it is an introspective process, but if all your energy and effort is pointed towards other people it’s hard to make it thru the steps. I spent two years alone, but I repressed feelings, anger, made myself impossibly busy, hated on my self. I did not move thru the stages of grief. As much as it sucked, Goldy breaking up with me when he did… in retrospect, was exactly what I needed to spurn me into all of this. I am grateful.

The steps of grief:

1) DENIAL-this is where we lie to ourselves, we don’t trust our intuitions, “no, she wasn’t cheating on me, I’m crazy” “this is just a break, we will get back together” This is where our minds are not yet capable of dealing with the truth and hurt, it’s a shock absorber for the soul, we shut down the awareness of things too painful to know.

2) ANGER- I fail at this, but it can be self-directed, I could safely say I was angry with myself, I certainly punished and blamed myself. It can also be directed at someone else, MrNRN perhaps?

3) BARGAINING- strike a deal with life, another person or god, If we get back together things will change, promise… Here you are postponing the inevitable.

4) DEPRESSION-this is the essence of grief, mourning to its fullest. Struggling to find pleasure in anything, the world is covered in fog, sometimes it burns off, sometimes you need a big ass fan, or weather change, like a gail force wind to lift it.

5) ACCEPTANCE-This stage is void of feeling, the pain is gone, the feeling like you are wrapped in cling wrap is gone, the struggle is over. This is FREEDOM.

You don’t always move thru the steps in this exact order, you move up and down, stopping on each one, coming back to others, there is nothing systematic or orderly about the process. You do have to experience each one. Each stage deserves us being gentle, forgiving and loving with ourselves. All things that were seriously lacking in my self-treatment. Forgiveness is the Siamese twin of acceptance in the grief process, that means forgiving ourselves. Nothing easy about that…

Focusing all of my attention to others the last… oh shit… 20 some years I need to make goals. Life goals, small, big, career, that astonishing list of 80 codependent qualities, my goals could include changing some of those. I have been piggybacking on other people’s goals. I don’t have any, I don’t have a “bucket list” or burning desire for anything but some kid time. When I think about it, it makes me sad, I am smart and capable, would like to think myself ambitious, but I have NO goals? I have shut out the outside world, being so involved with others, I haven’t read, or taken any classes, my world has been fairly small. I need to learn how to have fun. Fun doesn’t match up with codependency. They are oil and water. Being codependent, we have repressed emotion, we are saturated with guild and despair, we are concerned with what others think of us, and we hate ourselves. Makes it difficult to have fun. I was fun, I think it should be fairly easy to learn how to be again…Having fun helps us take care of ourselves, celebrates being aide, and dammit… I DESERVE it. Goal #1-learn to have fun- refresher course.

“Everything from our pasts has prepared and propelled us to this moment; today prepares us for tomorrow. And it all works out for the good. NOTHING’S WASTED.”

My dirty laundry list: responsible for others, feel anxiety, pity, guilt for others problems, compelled to solve, anticipate others needs, say yes when they mean no, don’t know wants/needs, tell self they are not important, please others instead of self, feels safest when giving, insecure or guilty when someone gives to them, attracted to needy, abandon routine for someone else, over commitment harried or pressured, low self-worth, blame self, reject praise, perfectionist, not good enough, guilt and shame, believe they don’t deserve good things or happiness, believe others couldn’t possibly love them, settle for being needed, push thoughts and feelings, rigid and controlled, think and talk of others, worry and check up on others, focus all energy on others people and problems, don’t deal or see feelings of loss and control, know “best”, ignore or pretend things aren’t that bad, stay busy and distracted, cling to the better tomorrow idea, confused depressed or sick, workaholic or spend compulsively, believe lies and lie to themselves, feel like they are going crazy, look for happiness outside, “latch on” to who they think can make them happy, don’t love self, seek love from those not capable, feel threatened by loss of those they think can make them happy, seek love and approval,prove they are good enough to be loved, center around others, look to relationships to provide good feelings, stay in relationships that don’t work, wonder if they will find love, don’t say what they mean, don’t take selves seriously/or too seriously, gauge words carefully for desired effect, ask for things indirectly, manipulate, eliminate “no”, say everything is their fault, apologize, let others hurt them, keep letting other hurt them, don’t trust their own, feelings or decisions, lose faith, afraid of anger, repress angry feelings, extremely responsible, cry often or get depressed, shame for feeling angry, difficult to feel close, passive response-cry-hurt-helpless, vacillate in decisions with emotions, stay loyal to people and compulsions even when it hurts, not seek help because a problem isn’t “bad enough”, or they aren’t important enough, depressed-lethargic or hopeless, emotionally, mentally or physically ill, experience over/under eating, paradoxical dependence, look strong but feel helpless.

I’m suddenly quite busy, moving and work is taking up some time, I have been working on a couple emotional posts, still deciding if they will be public…
Last week was a hard week, I was feeling down, struggled to head to work every day, but after a weekend with Cherise, and some inspiring texts, and a short visit with Goldy I feel measurably better. I have also found some inspiring notes left around my apartment, not much better than pulling your pillow into a cuddle while you smack the snooze button to find a sweet message from your BFF. Makes packing more fun! I am surrounded by stars!

Pity party… table of one. I had a rough day. Didn’t sleep well last night, couldn’t shut my mind off, and then was up at 4:30 for no good reason. I went for a massage yesterday, the therapist said my neck looked better, I hold my stress there, but that he wasn’t going to miraculously cure me, so I should asses the cost versus what I need. I told him about the kink I had last week, he was sure it had more to do with my emotional work, than sleeping on the couch.
I have friends going thru shit storms, Miss E was hiking with her pups and one was bit by a rattlesnake, the poor guy didn’t make it, and she is suffering grief and loss, he was her family.
I have other friends off work, injured, in pain, suffering, experiencing all sorts of health scares, all things far worse than my problems. L texted that I should stop comparing myself to others. That if I was feeling low, or sad other people having problems doesn’t diminish how I feel. I was not being compassionate to myself. After work I made it down for a coffee, and then a quick gym session with Karma. I stopped into look at my new place, an visit a bit, I am so excited… Time to pack…
Lunch today was good…

If I am being honest with myself, I really care for my Dryer too. I am moving. The general agreement of friends and family is that this is a good decision, my environment needs to change. My ma said it was more important than finding a second job, (which I still haven’t done, I may miss my summertime window, but I feel like the work I’m doing on myself may be more important than my bank account balance). The feel of my suite was better than the grey echo of the 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment I shared with my ex, but now, after 2 years, I have outgrown it. It has run past it’s best before date, going sour. The neighbourhood has changed too… I feel isolated when I am at home, which makes me anxious. I strongly believe everyone should live alone at one point in their lives (and be alone, single, autonomous), but I have had my fill for now. Of the living alone part at least.
Because I downsized, and then went thru and cleansed earlier this year, I have less “things” than I used to. As always you realize how much stuff you have when you are packing. I have remnants of my past life as suzy homemaker, loaf pans, casserole dishes, baking sheets. Now a days the only way I would use a casserole dish was if I was having mini wheats for dinner and there weren’t any clean bowls left. I am not above eating out of a casserole dish, and the mini wheats are dinner… so…
My ex and I were together in our independence (alone in our togetherness?), we didn’t share a bank account, a car, children, pets, friends, closets or things. We both contributed, but there was a definite his and hers division.
The first thing we ever purchased together was a sectional sofa. We decided we wanted to sit together instead of on our separate chairs. We shopped together, picking out a style, color, fabric. We have similar tastes so it wasn’t too hard to agree. We sat on a bunch, went to store after store, looked online, found the one we bought on sale and ran our separate credit cards for half each. The salesman said “look, it comes un clipped and is finished on both pieces” I replied with a “that’s great so when we break up we can split the couch” I was joking…
I shouldn’t joke I guess, because when it came time for us to divide our things that is exactly what happened, I tried to convince him to take the whole thing, I was, after all getting the washer and dryer we had later purchased together, he should take the sectional. He argued it wouldn’t fit in his new apartment, but I think he didn’t want to leave me with nothing but a camping chair and a bean bag in our huge living room that I would now be occupying alone. It was a little murky if our split at that point was a forever or for now. I joke about my half-a-couch, brag even about the civil way we split our things. The truth is it’s just a sofa, 7 feet of foam and fabric. Goldy mentioned once, you call it a half-a-couch, but it’s a decent size? A place to sleep, cuddle, watch 30 rock, cry, eat. Not always in that order. Would it fit into my new space? Sure it would, but is it healthy for me to hold onto it? Can I afford to replace it with something else? I had casually mentioned maybe I should sell it. And who the heck would buy half a sectional? It’s not worth it to sell, only to turn around and buy something new. Honestly I am attached to that chunk of furniture, for what it stood for, I am sentimental about my half-a-couch. I slept on it until I could buy a new bed, I watched 5 seasons of 30 rock on my laptop while laying on it. (in 6 weeks instead of sleeping…) I cozied up on it with my laptop when I created my blog, It has caught my tears, kept me warm, and made me feel safe. It also held a reminder that it’s other half was with my ex other half and we were still connected in some way, good or bad.
My parents are furnishing their bachelor suite, and my Mom asked if they should buy it from me. I panicked. I am not ready to let go of it… I was just talking big when I talked about selling it… if I don’t have my half-a-couch, I have nothing left…I stalled, said something non committal, and the conversation moved along. I drove home that night and thought about her suggestion. It would fit really well in the space, good color… I cried. I am driving in my car, blotting tears while thinking of a sofa. Half of a used sofa. Really Holley? While chatting with Cherise I mentioned I didn’t need my washer and dryer in my new house, and what should I do with them? She suggested I sell them, and I felt the same pang, I am sentimentally attached to a half a couch and a couple appliances? Talk about big baggage…
I walked thru a couple furniture stores looking at sofas, and appliances, I looked thru classified ads and discovered my washer and dryer are worth more than I thought. Part of me was sad, if they were worthless I’d store them, keep them forever… or give them to someone where I could have visitation. So unbelievably weird… hahaha.
I realized It would be healthy to let my half a couch go to a new home, I phoned my parents and my brother came down and picked up up. I can still visit it if I REALLY need to. The camping chair and bean bag fits nicely in my little living room. If I sell my washer and dryer I can buy a new couch. Or maybe a new computer!
It is petty, and silly, but I am grieving at the loss of my half-a-couch, and the washer and dryer are going up for sale this week. It feels like a loss, and they are just things, my washer won’t keep me warm at night, and it won’t do anyone any good to be sitting in a shed under a tarp. Not once has it told me I am pretty or fun, but it does play a little laundry song tune when it’s done cleaning my delicates.
I feel like my own worth isn’t enough to bring to a relationship. I need to have a dowry of antiquated women’s tools. I won’t be a good wife if I don’t have a kitchen full of roasting pans and cookie sheets, fancy laundry machines to wash my husbands clothes and a good vacuum to clean the house. I bet in the history of dating, never has anyone thought to themselves “I really like this girl, and we would be serious, move in together and start a life together if only she had a good washer and dryer…”

Maybe shocked is a little extreme, I have managed to give myself whiplash again, emotional whiplash, which may also be an overstatement. I’m so dramatic today! I have a nasty kink in my neck again. I have family in town this week, and have been spending time at my parents, it may have been the nite on the couch. Although I don’t want to belittle the toll emotional work can take on a person. I struggle finding a balance. I feel guilty taking time for myself, or saying no to any activity. But I know that until I give myself the time and attention I need, I am no good to anyone. So although the family is here, and I have the week off work I set aside 4 hours to read my book and do some homework. I went to Starbucks and grabbed a tea latte and a cake pop to go, I set out my poster board, a fresh box of tissue, a mirror (because part of my exercises involved looking at myself and talking out loud, to myself, It felt forced initially, but I think it evolved into a good tool), a pencil, a new gel pen a couple note pads, and some markers. Different colors and thickness, including some smelly felts Vanessa had sent me in the mail a few weeks ago.

I put on some music, and sat on my floor, it was stormy outside so a good day to start in. I had marked a few exercises in my book, and made some headings on my poster board. I wanted to run away, but as Vanessa had so eloquently put it, I was sitting in a dirty diaper, time to change it. This book talked about a “self love tree” the roots being ones self worth. Each chapter started with a quiz where you determined your pulse, or strength level, then was followed with exercises and mantras, examples of others situations. As I went thru I discovered some of my branches, like self awareness, empowerment and expression were vibrant, lush, and in full bloom. I realized that my self pleasure, trust and acceptance branches have been getting more attention and lately and have greened up. My self esteem branch has always been fairly sturdy, not always full of foliage, but sturdy. It was no surprise that my self care branch, well, it has no leaves, and a couple nasty cracks. My self compassion and forgiveness branch is so withered it’s on the verge of breaking. I put others first, and I never forgive myself. I feel that unless I give, I don’t deserve to receive. I need to change my hardwiring. I can, and should take care of myself before I take care of others, I deserve love regardless of what I give, and I will be supported when I choose to support myself first.
I pride myself on being compassionate of others. Understanding, empathetic, aware and understanding of peoples situations and struggles. Why do I not apply such love and care to myself? Critical of every choice or feeling. I deserve compassion, no matter what, and without cause. I have to learn how to give it to myself. Could I have done things differently? Of course, but I was doing the best I could with what I had. I didn’t know then what I know now, I couldn’t have, and there will be times where I won’t know again. Until I can forgive myself, I can’t fully forgive anyone else. This path of life is life long learning, like a toddler learning to walk, you wouldn’t berate a 2 year old for falling over, you offer him a hand and help him back to his feet. Although looking great in tights, knee boots and a cape, I am not a super hero. I don’t have superhuman strength, I can’t read minds, I don’t have a truth lasso, dammit… I deserve to give myself the compassion I pour out to others, and let go of some of these perfectionist, crazy making ideals I collar myself with.
The last branch shocked me, as I opened up the chapter on self respect and honour I smugly thought to myself, this chapter… I’m going to nail this one… Well the results of my quiz were astounding. This branch, not a leaf on it. The wood is good, but it’s not flourishing. What the heck? Really? I respect myself, I don’t do things that are risky, I’m not promiscuous. I let go of toxic relationships, I know I deserve respect, and I honour my self? Yeah I do… I thought I did. I was reflecting that my ex didn’t respect me, loved me, yes, but respect…? Not really. Goldy made me feel respected, and it wasn’t until then I saw any deficiency.
So what was my problem? I do respect myself, I honour myself, I know I am important and valuable. But I don’t command that respect from others, I let people disrespect me. I even make excuses for them. I lost myself… they have a lot going on… yadda, yadda, yadda… I am respecting myself, but not expecting it from others, which makes that branch weak.
This is a great example, I have a friend who is always late. we arrange a time to meet, she is constantly 15-30 min. I feel disrespected, my time isn’t valuable to her. What do I do? I start without her, or I make plans before I actually want to meet in order for her to make it on time. I am manipulating the situation, and she is being disrespectful of my time. I discount my feelings about being left waiting, and minimize the importance of meeting at the agreed upon time. I need to stop. If it is not possible for her to be on time, I must respect myself and stop making plans. Or I need to express to her, how being left waiting makes me feel. And then stop making plans.
“Respect and unconditional love are not upgrades, they are mandatory. If you want to be in a relationship with me, I need you to respect and honour me.”
I had my eyes opened. It was a reflective day, and I ended up writing so much I used up a gel pen, the entire thing! I picked away here and there on my triggers for over giving, and it evolved throughout the day, what it boiled down to was, when I am not getting my needs met, I over compensate by giving. Unconsciously I am trying to spurn reciprocity, without being concise about what I need, often not knowing what or why I need it. Interesting. It isn’t a specific event or pattern, but it is always when I feel not enough. Blaming myself for someone else’s deficiencies.
I finished my book, cleaned up my mess, packed my bag an thought a bit about what I wanted to do. I decided a 30 min gym trip would do me a world of good, so instead of rushing to see the family I went for a good, quick, but good sweat. Today is the same, family still in town, but I slept in, leisurely got ready, looked at couches and appliances, went to starbucks and blogged. I will do a little packing as well. I do feel guilty, like I should spend the day either with the family or being ultra productive packing. Not really caring or compassionate to myself.

I have family in town, my bro and sister in law, and the 2 boys. I appreciate the kid time. We went out to my grandparents today, This is the first time they are meeting the little one. My grandmother turns to me as the baby is crying and asks “aren’t you relieved you don’t have kids?”
Well… no, I am not relieved. Speaking my “truth” I say “no… relieved would not be the word I would use. I am thankful I am not raising a child on my own.” From there the conversation changed and evolved, my Mother interjected something about me being a great aunty. My mother and I had a conversation a few months ago when she said something along the same lines about how I had it easy, not having kids. Then I spent the next 2 hours soaking up tissues on her couch. My decision to not have kids is anything but easy.
I love kids. If you asked my 22 year old self if I would have kids, the answer would have been a resounding YES! At least 2. And then my 23 year old self starting dating a man who didn’t want to have children. I convinced myself that was OK. Or I tried to.
I have always been careful. I have seen kids come into this world unplanned, and get punished for it. I also see how hard it is to raise a child alone. Now, my mother always says I was the best mistake/accident she ever had, and many people adapt, but I have seen some of the struggle of others. I was diligent about my birth control, using a back up as well as the pill. I have only ever had 3 scares, a broken condom, a paranoid afternoon where I was just a few hours late, and once that was a warranted, panic inducing week. I have never had an abortion, I don’t think I could. My guess is the religious upbringing mixed with a buried desire to have children.
I would broadcast my love of children, kids, from around 6 months, when they start to smile, track, giggle. Babies, not really my thing… I don’t know that is true. Babies make me cry. The first time I held Q- tears, Miss Mia- the same. Upon reflection, I do prefer kids, I enjoy the interaction. Babies are like pushing on a bruise, not painful, but tender. They really reflect that I wanted kids.
I made my decision, I unequivocally did not want to force my ex into anything he didn’t want. I put his desire to not procreate above my own needs or wants. I consoled myself with other peoples children, taking friends kids to events, babysitting for my boss, Spending time with my nephews and nieces. Shopping for the kids, desperate for quality time. I would be the favourite aunt, because I thought my life with my ex and childless would be forever.
I have never had to feel the heartbreak of a miscarriage, or wanting children and being unable to conceive, I am thankful that I haven’t felt that searing emotional pain.
However, I’ve never had the chance to try. A few months ago, when I got the results of my hormone test, I was feeling especially dismal. Low progesterone means I could get pregnant, sure, it more than likely would end in miscarriage, again and again. I am already 33 years old, young enough, people can have babies safely into their 40’s. I still feel like I am running out of time. You meet someone you like, spend a year dating? Move in together? Maybe live together for a year, I’m looking at 36 or 37. With my 33 year old body having issues making the right hormones to cary a baby, that isn’t likely to improve. Did I waste my child bearing years with a man who didn’t want what I did. I can’t think of it as a waste or I will make myself crazy. I love kids, but I don’t feel like I must birth them in order to love them, the genetic matter makes no difference to me. I would foster, adopt, be a step parent in a heart beat. Okay, these are all good things, but then I am dating men with kids, men who shouldn’t put me first, because I think kids should come first. There I am coming in down the list again, putting other peoples needs and wants before my own.
Or, I date someone who wants kids, we are still looking at a couple years, and then, will I be able to? Will I feel like a failure because my women parts don’t work on command? I am terribly afraid of disappointing my (right now imaginary) mate. My hormone levels have improved, the work I’ve done to eat well, exercise, deal with my depression and stress, my body feels better. However the inability to get pregnant, would stress most women, which directly effects hormones, which would make it hard to get pregnant, which would make you stressed… I’m dizzy…
Right now, this worry doesn’t deserve to be on my radar, I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t even have a dating profile. I have to learn how to cope with me. I am not saying that I have it hard, I know so many going thru the heartbreak of trying to get pregnant, or that have children and know the struggle associated with finding a balance and a personal life. Yes, I am fortunate that I can take the time for myself, I can focus on me, as a single unit. I have freedoms that many people do not, and peace and quiet is never overrated. (as heard from a friend). But am I relieved I don’t have children? No. Is it easier not having children? For some things, yes, but It comes with a whole other set of heartbreaks. I am confident that I will have children in my life, I am a great aunt, that will have to be enough, at least for now.

I know what I have to do. I have the tools, and the will. I need to start. I’m like the person out for a run, standing at the trail head, fiddling with my ipod, stretching, tying my shoes, all important things, but stalling. Absolutely. After my last post, I immediately felt better, stupid MrNRN… went for dinner with a friend, we had a great time… laughing about dating and we came up with some great ideas including glossy cutesey profile pictures, me baking cookies, the cookies etc. Was some laughs, I think the table beside us thought we were on a date. He asked me what I was looking for, bed warmer, companion, whatever… I didn’t have an answer for him, which tells me, I’m not ready. I went home and checked facebook, saw that Goldy had a party with friends and family. SO important as dopamine from hanging out with friends and loved ones is a natural pain killer. However… I didn’t know about it and immediately felt left out.
I felt left out because for 10 years I wasn’t invited. I felt like I wasn’t enough, fun, pretty, whatever. Like my ex wasn’t proud of me. I let someone else dictate how I felt about myself. I need to go through this bag of negative feeling, emotions, insecurities and pull out the things that aren’t mine. I know this, and yet I keep stalling. It’s hard, why it’s called work…
I texted Goldy the next day, I was wondering how he was doing and feeling post party, he said he should have phoned me. It was a little fundraiser, but he claims I have done enough for him. Remember me not helping until someone asks me for help? I’ve been trying to stick to that. He is a good man, and he is right, if we were dating, yes, he should have phoned me. We are friends, not dating, I don’t think he needs the guilt, and I would have felt guilty not going despite having plans. The long and short of the situation was that I felt my stomach knot because I’m dragging along this bag of hurt feelings and bruised esteem, for years now. I woke up this morning tight in my neck, and phlegmy again, I have to quit putting it off. I need to buy a new box of tissue, a couple poster boards and dig into it. I was using the excuse that my house isn’t a comfy spot, I don’t feel at ease, but maybe I can work out all this angst and leave it there. Start fresh in a new space, head space as well as physical. I suggested I do it while packing but Vanessa called me out, it would be a distraction, and I deserved to give myself my undivided attention. Dammit she is right… and I appreciate the tough love. Cherise agrees I need to stay on the road to awesome, I’ve turned onto it… now I need to pick up some speed. She asked how my homework is going… wasn’t scolding but I could tell she wasn’t thrilled that I had been procrastinating. It is frustrating to watch someone that you love and care about suffer, to watch them come right up to the answer to their problems and stop short. I don’t want to cause anyone that suffering, I will do the work. And it will end my suffering. So I’ll be doing it for me, and the ripple effect is just a welcome byproduct.

I am working OT to get some orders done to take a week of vacation. This is the first time in years I have taken time off in the summer. Waitressing, and working on a patio, then working in a beer store, summertime is busy busy. Luckily I have lots of amazing staff this year, and the most amazing boss. And… I am willing to work 12 hours on a sunday to get everything done. It’s nice I can do the orders here at starbucks, there is a warm breeze, it’s a nice night to be out here. There isn’t a lot of people downtown on a sunday night, but a few… I lean back to stretch between vendors, my neck is still a little tender from my massage. There are a couple cute boys on the corner of the patio, so I might as well get a little eye candy while stretching, I’m never one to turn down some good multi tasking! So here I am trying not to be creepy, scope out the eye candy, and stretch my neck, it might be a classic case of good from afar, but far from good, I think they are talking about anime… I shouldn’t be judging or eavesdropping! And the point of this story is I was looking out into traffic, when I see a familiar profile sitting in the car stopped at the light, then I notice the car, and the trailer with jet ski’s. Well what do you know… MrNRN. And he is wearing a stupid hat. Straw fedora, hmnnnn… Some guys can pull it off. Some can not. I had an immediate physiological response. I was angry. I felt a lump form in my throat. Something about that man makes me want to verbally assault him. For months if I ran into him, at the gym, the vitamin store, safeway, I would simply turn on my heel and go the other way. Pretend like I didn’t even know him. I was better than the crazy girl, more mature, he wasn’t worth it, even taking the blame, I LET him treat me poorly. Funny that I don’t feel anger towards my ex, or #13, not even a little bit towards Goldylocks, but MrNRN, I want to bitch slap. He gets under my skin, like a tick. Maybe this is a truth I need to speak, a letter I need to write, and likely not publish, It would be woven with expletives and graphic instructions of where he should go and how to get there. Why does he make me so angry? Maybe like a tick I need to rip his head off, and burn him out. I feel foolish, and disgusted that he does get under my skin, he isn’t worth it, He shouldn’t have the power to make me feel crazy, make me feel anything. Adding to my homework, a little pest control.

Today was rough. Maybe it is residual lack of sleep. I found a new place, it’s a master suite, so I will have lots of private space, a washroom, sitting room, bedroom and a small deck,shared kitchen and laundry, it is a little less than what I pay now, I think that the change is needed. It is exceptionally creepy to feel like there is someone in your suite in the middle of the night. Toady I woke up around 9 and watched an adam sandler movie (oh that zohan), got dressed and made my way down to the saturday market. Usually that will make me feel better, I wandered up and down a couple times, strolling, people watching, buying some fruit and brunch, walking back to my car I was washed over with a wave of loneliness. I sat on a shaded street bench a had a cry. It was a couple blocks from the market, so I was alone, and I felt alone. Sitting on a bench, soaking a corner of the napkin that had come with my waffle. An overwhelming crashing wave of loneliness. I know many people with friends, spouses, kids around that still get that feeling, there were people I could text, or call, heck I could have walked back 2 blocks to be surrounded by hundreds of people. I have learned being alone or surrounded by people will not necessarily directly effect feelings of loneliness. Instead I sucked back my snotty nose, stood up and walked back to my car. Got in and went to work to pick up a few boxes that I had set aside for my eventual but now soon, move. I dropped the boxes and came to R’s house. I am checking on her cat while she is away for the weekend. He would be okay by himself, but often when he gets lonely he pukes. I empathize. I had a nap on the couch with the cat, I still feel that solitude, and I am sad. I am not brave enough to work on my homework, the list of things I have not been honest to myself about, the trigger I have for the over giving. I don’t have the strength to sit in front of the mirror and work on my self love, or mantras. I couldn’t blog at starbucks because I just want to cry. Luckily the cat doesn’t mind if I cry… I have this next week off, my family is in from calgary, I found a new living situation, I am loved, and appreciated, why so sad today? Maybe I haven’t had enough protein or fat. Maybe it’s just one of those times and days when I should be gentle with myself, not have to rationalize or berate myself for being sad. It could be so many things, or absolutely nothing. I need to let go of having control over every emotion, and let myself feel. Sob, heave, snot and tear. Let my angst and sad leak out and soak as many tissues as I deem fit. It’s the only way to let out the dam, clear out the blockage, truly grieve. Let out my past life or cellular level grief, wrap it up in those soft wood fibres (tissues are a pulp product? Right? Now I need to google it…) and throw it all away.