FURIOUS CHERYL COLE is insisting love-rat hubby ASHLEY buys them a new house — because she suspects he cheated on her in their marital bed.

There is something charmingly old-fashioned sounding about the phrase "marital bed" turning up in a trashy gossip column, isn't there?

But hang about a moment... those of us who have followed this story through Gordon's eyes will recall (as he keeps telling us) that Ashley is supposed to have had whatever sex he could manage between bouts of spewing in some sort of hotel, didn't he?

Didn't you say that, Gordon?

The Sun revealed in January how 27-year-old Ashley romped with blonde hairdresser Aimee Walton at a pal’s flat in North London.

So...?

But the source said Cheryl, 24, still feared he had cheated in their mansion in Oxshott, Surrey — and “ruined it forever”.

Really, Gordon? Or - if they are actually moving - could it just be that they want a new start?

VICTORIA BECKHAM blows ’em away as she recreates the glamour of VIVIEN LEIGH in Gone With The Wind.

I'll be honest. I spent thirty seconds thinking that Gordon was confusing Dirty Harry with Gone With The Wind before I got the wind/blew pun. You might have thought something along the lines of "It's not just Atlanta that'll be set alight by Posh's new look" would have been sharper, but it turns out Gordon's not assuming his readership will have heard of the movie. He tries to prompt them:

The classic film is famed for the line: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

But having thrown the damn into the pot, Gordon flounders slightly trying to take the thought on:

But Posh obviously does.

Um... yes. She clearly gives a damn about... um... anyhoo...

The announcement of Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday party for Hyde Park generates the headline

It's Nelson Bandela in Hyde Park

We read the story through, trying to work out what was going to be banned. Then we realised it was meant to be Band-ela. I can't decide if Gordon's working on a level too intellectually demanding for me, or if the puns are really so weak they're turning into something like a suduko puzzle when you try to work them out.