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MAYBE THE WORST BASEBALL ARTICLE YOU’LL EVER READ

No, not this one. I hope not, at least. Mike Freeman over at CBS Sports has written a pro-Phillie anti-Yankee article, and it’s filled with nonsense, cliches, and heaps of bullshit. It’s a shame that the guys from FireJoeMorgan aren’t around anymore, because this is precisely the type of article they’d tear to shreds. That’s not really our thing here at Unathletic, but I couldn’t resist some good ol’ deconstruction on an article as bad as this one. Personal attacks and smarmy comments ahead.

The original article appears in bold, my comments do not.

PHILADELPHIA — The smile of Ryan Howard is unmistakable and not insincere. Just like his Phillies team, there’s a wholesomeness to it. Yes, that’s the word that was just used. The ‘W’ word. Instead of what’s normally associated with this city, which is the F-bomb.

There surely is something wholesome about some good wife-beating. Right, Brett Myers? Also, “not insincere?” How about just saying “sincere?”

And for now, at least, there’s no trace of that Howard smile being steroid tinged.

For now. Everyone’s a suspect.

“You know, first coming up, this organization was considered to be a losing organization,” Howard said. Then he paused, for a moment, to digest that thought. The Phillies were once flat-out stinkified losers. Hard to believe but true.

Now, here they are, early Thursday morning, many moments after winning the NL by beating the Dodgers 10-4, hundreds of fans and many Philly players, celebrated gleefully — no riots, few jerks — the toast of a town.

The fact that Mike Freeman has to point out that there were no riots during a Philadelphia celebration should tell you all you need to know about that city’s sports fans.

It’s only a matter of time before they’re the toast of a nation.

Do you know what this World Series will be? It’ll be your classic good vs. evil phonies. That’s what it is.

The Phillies, after dominating a soulless Dodgers team, are headed to the championship.
“I can’t say the Phillies wanted it more than us,” Joe Torre said.

I can and they did.

BAM! Joe Torre couldn’t say it, but big bad Mike Freeman just said it right in your fucking face, America.

There’s more hustle in Steve Phillips’ pants than there were in the Dodgers.

Somebody get Mike Freeman a microphone and stage IMMEDIATELY.

Now, the New America’s Team, the Phillies, will almost certainly take on the Yankees after New York finishes beating up another Cali fraud, the Angels.

OK – this is pretty egregious. Mike Freeman is implying either A) that the Angels didn’t belong in the ALCS, which is just absurd on its face, or B) that like the Yankees, the Angels are full of phonies. Yes, these Angels – who spent only about $700,000 more than the Phillies this season, by the way – are nothing but phonies. That whole dedicating-the-season-to-Nick-Adenhart stunt? What a joke. You think John Lackey gives a shit about Nick Adenhart? All he wants is to get paid. Thanks, Mike, for calling these guys out.

These Phillies are impossible not to like, which makes them the antithesis of the Yankees and instantly a favorite of the country.

Yeah, it’s always just so difficult to not root for teams from Philadelphia.

Because any team facing the Yankees in the World Series is automatically the nation’s darling.

Oh, I see.

What the Phillies did to the Dodgers is what they’ve done in each game this postseason, which is play hard and with reckless disregard. They didn’t just beat Los Angeles — they outclassed them, in one of the more dominant NLCS performances of the past few decades.

This is true. The NLCS didn’t come down to getting on base or relief pitching. No, it came down to class. Chase Utley wore a tuxedo and monocle during Game 4 while Jimmy Rollins ate sunflowers seeds with his pinky finger raised. You think Manny’s dreadlocks are classy? I mean, Joe Torre visibly picks his nose! The Dodgers never had a shot! Class!

There’s something special about this Phillies club that’s partly immeasurable. Words like guts are too clichéd but even for the normally cynical, the Phillies are an enthralling, mesmerizing bunch.

Yes, the normally cynic prefer another cliche.

While the Dodgers were all GAM and no game, the Phillies are all substance and no sass.

I honestly don’t even know what this means.

The 21st century New America’s Team, indeed.

I don’t mean to be a dick, Mike, but that’s really not very catchy. I doubt it’s going to catch on. Say it out loud: “The 21st century New America’s Team.” No thanks.

The Yankees are formidable (scary good, really) but underestimate the Phillies at your own risk. Their eight or more runs three times in five different games this postseason is historic.

Meanwhile, the only people who can root for the Yankees are bankers and bandwagoners.

Has Mike Freeman ever been to New York? Does he imagine it like the fourth stretch of the board in Monopoly?

The Yankees are corporate. The Phillies are lemonade sold on the corner on a hot summer day. And the lemonade doesn’t have any boli in it.

The Phillies spent more money than all but two teams in the National League this year. They had the 7th-highest payroll in baseball. So that lemonade is a fucking ripoff.

Some of the Yankees, unlike most of the Phillies, are truly hard to take. Nick Swisher is a phony, Alex Rodriguez is still suspect, and Andy Pettitte’s aw golly act gets old. CC Sabathia is a terrific guy and Derek Jeter is a credit to all of sports but their levelheaded personalities and decency traits don’t outweigh the overall Goldman Sach-ness of the Yankees.

What is phony about Nick Swisher? Certainly not the time he donated his hair to cancer victims. Or maybe Mike Freeman doesn’t like the guy because…I dunno, why don’t you like Nick Swisher, Mike?

And I’m a big A-rod fan, but he’s the one who’s suspect with respect to being a phony, as opposed to, say, anyone? Jesus.

Even the Yankees’ celebrity fans are suspect, like the former mayor, Rudy Giuliani. He’s worse than Red Sox baseball fan phonies like Ben Affleck.

I guarantee that Ben Affleck knows more about baseball than Mike Freeman does.

Philadelphia manager Charlie Manuel is so down home he sweats gravy and his blood type is biscuit. Joe Girardi is an obsessive compulsive tinkerer and putterer. He makes pitching changes while deep in REM sleep. Girardi is more uptight than an Army drill instructor.

At this point I’m not really sure that Mike Freeman meant for this to be a serious article.

The Phillies aren’t perfect. Jimmy Rollins sometimes acts like he’s Nick Cannon and is a little too slick for his own good, but overall this roster oozes not with known steroid users but with decent, ego-less guys. Anyone who doesn’t like Howard should have their chest cavity MRI’d for a heart.