Here’s Everything You Missed on Last Night’s Batshit Bachelorette Premiere

In the preamble to the premiere of this season of The Bachelorette, we see JoJo Fletcher, jilted lover from season 20 and reformed woo-girl, sitting in what looks like a CB2 showroom soliciting love advice from three former Bachelorettes. JoJo hasn't met any of her prospective lovers yet, and the foursome are arranged around a low wooden coffee table sipping lemon waters and white wine, forming a great cascade of ombré. The very important topic of discussion: whether or not to kiss on the first night.

"If you're feeling it, go for it," says the sage blonde whose name I should probably Google. "[But] the first night, figure out who you really like, and ignore him the first week."

The Bachelor Mansion is lit like an indoor Las Vegas night market, all stucco and sex pheromones and cozy pillows everywhere. It's here that JoJo, brandishing the world's most even tan, will welcome limo after limo in a glittering gold dress packed with 26 eligible stud muffins who all think they can be the love of her life. You can't help but root for JoJo, all Texas-y and kind, to find whatever she considers to be true love, even if none of these bozos is good enough to merit being ignored for the entire first seven days.

Save for a few clear outliers, the prerequisites to be a contestant on this season of The Bachelorette appear to be as follows:

Our contestants range from well-off real estate bros with neatly groomed facial hair to military vets to a guy who runs an erectile-dysfunction clinic, and someone whose job title is simply "hipster." (Carles?) As soon as they emerge from the limo, all bets are off and any remaining dignity vaporizes, and their attempts to make a first impression on JoJo run the gamut. One guy, whose name is apparently James Taylor (I guess you could make this stuff up, but why would you?) serenades her with an acoustic guitar and a country song. Another, a former swimmer, stretchy and lithe, pops open a bottle of wine and creepily asks her to take a swig. One brave man in a stretchy grey suit walked straight up to her and did the splits, evidently believing that flexibility is a desirable trait in a prospective mate. (He might not be wrong.) There's also: a guy in a Santa outfit named Nick, a meathead wearing sunglasses and a plastic mustache, and one dipshit wearing a kilt (more on him later).

But the Big Winner of Operation First Impression is Wells, a 31-year-old radio DJ and evidently the most normal-seeming dude of the bunch, who rolls out of his limo with ’90s R&B group All-4-One. They then proceed to serenade the lovely JoJo with a quick a cappella of their Billboard No. 1 hit, "I Swear." It is the flex to end all flexes.

Under any other televised circumstances, the other contestants would realize defeat, pack their bindles, and make the long trek home under a single raincloud of despair. But no. Not here. This is The Bachelorette, motherfuckers. One does not simply give up on one's potential soul mate just because a radio DJ named Wells brought out All-4-One. (The obvious solution here? You summon Boyz II Men to parachute out of a helicopter by episode four.)

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Ultimately, after a lotta booze and an endless carousel of one-on-one time, JoJo awards The Rose (which, in Bachelorette parlance ensures your survival to the next week, sort of like finding a sawed-off shotgun under a barn in The Walking Dead), to a nice young man named Jordan, a former football player and younger brother to Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers. JoJo and Jordan hit it off, and even sneak in a lil kissin’. Big win for jocks!

At the end of the episode, JoJo doles out a few more roses to the sexy suitors she'd prefer to see stay; a handful of flower-less losers are asked to leave the musty sex den of Bachelor Mansion; and the survivors all gather in a great circle to toast the Bachelorette as she ravenously devours the heart of a freshly slaughtered stallion, for the khaleesi's unborn child must be courageous and strong if it hopes to mount the world.

Week #1 Power Players

1. Jordan, who looks like Aaron Rodgers if he were sucked into a vortex and slammed into the BDG table at Urban Outfitters.

2. Wells, the radio DJ who looks sort of vaguely like a guy who was on Glee once or twice. Could be wrong.

3. Chad, the real estate agent. Petty as hell. Thinks he's an ALPHA, and is clearly this season's villain numero uno, although he wore a baby blue tie, so maybe I'm wrong. Talks a lot of shit, which is very necessary for reality-TV-friendly tension.

4. Ali, the handsome and kind bartender, although he sat down at a piano and started jamming out some "Für Elise"—which is like the classical-music equivalent of finding a guitar at a party and strumming "Wonderwall." Seems like a nice dude. Owns a poodle. Nice smile.

5. Brandon, the hipster. Very mysterious. If you squint, he looks like Thom Yorke in a funhouse mirror. His first words to JoJo: "I don't know anything about you!" Power move. I love it.

Dipshit of the Week: Jonathan, the kilt wearer. Allegedly the first Asian dude to grace The Bachelorette, which, COOL. Let's get it, my man. Only, this motherfucker tells JoJo, "I'm half-Chinese, and half-Scottish, but luckily for me, I'm half-Scottish below the waist..." which—and forgive me for being vulgar—makes me want to dickslap him with a perfectly adequate penis across the forehead. What a moron. Glad he got the boot.

Facepalm of the Week: Daniel, a "male model" from Canada, attempts to engage in small talk with JoJo by asking her if she's seen this dope meme called Damn, Daniel. "Have you been following the Internet the last couple of months?" he asks her. Very smooth. Nothing gets the blood pumping like scrolling through some sweet, juicy memes made by teenagers.

First Guy to Get Way Too Drunk and Jump in a Body of Water: Also Daniel. But NOT before stripping down and revealing that he was, in fact, wearing a tie made for babies:

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