Supreme Court

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

‘We Meant What We Said,’ Says Blood-Covered Senate Leader

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the president had been warned about naming a justice during an election year, a defiant Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly held up the severed head of Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland this afternoon while standing in front of the Capitol building.

WASHINGTON—In a move aimed at blocking any attempt by President Obama to appoint a new Supreme Court justice before he leaves the White House next January, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly had his hands and vocal cords surgically removed Thursday to prevent himself from holding a hearing to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia.

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

WASHINGTON—Saying he has come to dread the end of each day’s session, recently sworn-in U.S. Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch revealed to reporters Wednesday that he remains bashful about showering in front of his new colleagues.

HOWARD, MD—Shaking his head and sighing as he viewed the televised proceedings, Merrick Garland reportedly grumbled “Could’ve been me” while watching Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch’s Senate hearing Monday at a local bar with his fellow highway maintenance workers.

WASHINGTON—Pledging to defend the highest laws of the United States as objectively and consistently as possible, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch vowed Monday that if confirmed, he would interpret the Constitution in accordance with former Associate Justice Antonin Scalia’s original intent.

WASHINGTON—Praising the federal appellate judge’s commitment to upholding the Constitution, President Trump hailed his Supreme Court justice nominee Neil Gorsuch as a fierce protector of the future amendment that will allow the president to temporarily suspend the right to assemble.

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it might be nice to just relax and take it easy over the next several weeks, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, was reportedly debating Friday whether to cancel her upcoming winter vacation plans to scale the world’s second-highest mountain, K2.

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

WASHINGTON—Having followed the media coverage surrounding his nomination to the Supreme Court, 63-year-old appeals court judge Merrick Garland reported Thursday that he is actually pretty uncomfortable with the number of political analysts who have been casually pointing out that he will die relatively soon.

WASHINGTON—Moving quickly to begin the process of filling the unexpected vacancy on the Supreme Court bench, President Obama spent much of the weekend compiling a shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors to replace the late Antonin Scalia, White House sources confirmed Monday.

WASHINGTON—Finishing off the judicial pragmatist with his signature Flying Hammer Of Precedent, John Roberts reportedly dove from atop the Supreme Court bench Tuesday and delivered a final knockout blow to Stephen Breyer to retain the title of Chief Justice.

WASHINGTON—Following decades of debate over the constitutional right to same-sex marriage, the U.S. Supreme Court today handed down a 5-4 ruling in favor of the most buck-wild, balls-to-the-wall gay pride parade this country has ever seen.

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision making same-sex marriage legal nationwide, sources confirmed Friday that only 47,000 social justice milestones need to be reached before the U.S. achieves full equality.

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold crucial portions of the Affordable Care Act, citizens across the country reportedly took a brief break Thursday from waiting on hold with their insurance providers to celebrate.

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of declining performance within the nation’s highest judicial body, the Supreme Court announced Thursday that it has sent a struggling Associate Justice Samuel Alito down to a lower federal court.

WASHINGTON—Anxiously anticipating the Supreme Court’s decision on the issue, the nation was reportedly on edge Wednesday as it waited to see whether the court would legalize gay marriage now or in a few years.

WASHINGTON—Reaffirming a deeply traditionalist definition of the institution of matrimony, Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito issued a statement Monday declaring that marriage can only strictly exist between a man and the tempestuous sea.

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Chief Justice John Roberts cradles the body of his beloved sidekick, Kid Justice.

Chief Justice John Roberts cradles the body of his beloved sidekick, Kid Justice.

WASHINGTON—The United States Supreme Court was rocked by tragedy Thursday when the judicial branch’s longtime sidekick, Kid Justice, was brutally murdered by the nefarious Dr. Contempto.

Kid Justice, who sources confirmed was the alter ego of mild-mannered Supreme Court fellow Jimmy Randall, reportedly vaulted through the air and intercepted a missile launched by Dr. Contempto in mid-flight, selflessly sacrificing his life to save Chief Justice John Roberts from certain death.

“We are saddened to report that, at approximately 11:35 a.m., Washington’s beloved Kid Justice was pronounced dead,” said D.C. Chief of Police Seamus O’Herlihy. “The missile that struck the teen guardian was more powerful than the Diamontium skin that had protected him from so many other blows, and his powers—encyclopedic memory of Constitutional law and a deep, abiding belief in the U.S. court system—proved to be of no use against the sinister Dr. Contempto.”

After crawling out of a smoldering crater, Chief Justice Roberts reportedly discovered the young sidekick’s motionless body sprawled on a pile of rubble. According to sources, Kid Justice died several minutes later, cradled in the arms of Roberts, who threw his head back and screamed an ear-splitting “Noooooo!”

The villainous Dr. Contempto, sworn enemy of the Court.

Several witnesses confirmed that Contempto reacted to the heroic teen’s death with deep, hearty laughter before fleeing the scene by atomic hovercraft and sneering, “Habeus Corpses, Supreme Court!”

Thursday’s deadly skirmish began outside the Supreme Court Building, popularly known as the Justice Chambers, when continuing arguments in the case of Horne v. Department of Agriculture (No. 12-123) were interrupted by an aerial invasion by Contempto and his fleet of sky-skimming Obstructrons.

“We assumed it was another of Contempto’s schemes to hypnotize the Legislative Branch into checking our power,” Justice Breyer told reporters as he helped clear debris from the courtroom. “Little did we suspect it was a cunning diversion for his actual plan. Few of our adversaries are as devious, or as dangerous, as the great scourge Dr. Contempto.”

Contempto, who was known as scientist Wade Walters before losing a landmark eminent-domain case that forced closure of his laboratory, had long vowed that the Supreme Court would suffer for their insolence, but never succeeded in permanent injury to the deliberative body until Thursday’s showdown.

The deranged genius has attempted to destroy the Supreme Court dozens of times since the prima facie clash in 1987, introducing anti-jurisprudence viruses to the building’s water supply, and the notorious incident of replacing several justices with robot duplicates during the 2000 election crisis.

A preemptive sortie of Court-launched Docket Rockets reportedly caused little damage to Contempto, but bought time, allowing the justices to change into their fighting robes and charge the crystalline gavels that provide them with their superhuman judicial powers. A lengthy and spectacular fight up and down the steps of the Supreme Court Building followed, filled with explosive punches, blasts with optical beams, and protracted oral arguments.

“We searched for Contempto for several hopeless minutes, but he had cloaked himself behind a fog of legal ambiguity,” Justice Elena Kagan said. “Fortunately, Justice Thomas hoisted his gavel and shouted a writ of venire facias, forcing him to appear before the Court.”

Contempto reportedly immobilized several justices with a high-energy Deadlock Ray, halting all judicial activity in its path and preventing the deliberative body from moving forward in any capacity. Contempto then revealed his coup de grace in the form of a medium-yield tritonium missile that was fired directly at Roberts.

While Justices Sotomayor, Breyer, and Scalia writhed and spoke very slowly under the ray’s power, Kid Justice thwarted the attack by throwing himself into the deadly weapon’s path.

The tragic event marks the first death of a sitting sidekick in Supreme Court history, and the first murder of a Court member since the 1996 time-travel incident during which Justice Antonin Scalia was killed by Stephen Douglas but replaced with Universe-H Scalia.

“Jimmy was the best sidekick any court could have asked for,” said Justice Kennedy, expressing the majority opinion. “He stood with us against history’s most depraved and villainous superlawyers: amoral shysters like Purple Plaintiff, horrific mutations like AdvoCat and Liti-Gator, and disfigured grotesques like Objectionable and No Appeal. There will never be another Jimmy, even if one day a Kid Justice II is appointed.”

The Supreme Court has since issued an 8-1 decision ruling that Dr. Contempto will pay.

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WASHINGTON—Praising the federal appellate judge’s commitment to upholding the Constitution, President Trump hailed his Supreme Court justice nominee Neil Gorsuch as a fierce protector of the future amendment that will allow the president to temporarily suspend the right to assemble.

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it might be nice to just relax and take it easy over the next several weeks, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, was reportedly debating Friday whether to cancel her upcoming winter vacation plans to scale the world’s second-highest mountain, K2.

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

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