Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Captain America Donut & Tri-Cup Coolatta...

Dunkin Donuts put on their big summer promotion surrounding the Captain America movie. Nerds got all excited when they started seeing Cap's shield emblazoned on the side of every 400 pound white trash woman's large iced coffee, myself included. When I started seeing the ads for the Star Shaped Captain America donut and the Coolatta with three flavors in one cup, I knew that the day would come where these items would make their way onto the Fatguyfoodblog.

But I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Those items have been out for a while, the Captain America movie came out last week, why on Earth have these items not been reviewed yet?!" Well. The truth is...I've been holding off out of sadness. Because they are awful.

How could that be?

I'm about to tell you.

But first, so you don't doubt my love for the Sentinel of Liberty...

Look into the eyes of a true American Hero.

First, we'll take a look at the Captain America donut...Here's what it looks like in the ad. A work of art:

Now here's that it looks like in real life...crap.

Seriously. How is this even supposed to be the same thing? Granted, I'm not expecting perfection but this? THIS?! It's just a random blob of dough completely immersed in a casing of waxy frosting, then rolled in a pound of Fourth of July sprinkles.

Inside? Same old jelly they slap into all their jelly donuts. Nothing special at all. This donut was a disgrace to the United States of America. Even the donut itself was slightly stale. No redeeming qualities at all.

I was asked by my dear friend Abby to review the Captain America Tri-cup coolatta. She must have been wondering where the review was because I kept putting it off. But now she will know the truth. It sucks.

But...it starts out looking pretty damn cool...

Cool cup, right?

The cup itself is unlike anything we've ever seen before. Pic of Cap on every side, three separate partitions to house the different flavors...

The weird part about it is that it's not a piece that goes down into the cup, that you can take out later for when you want to bring the cup home and keep it. It's built right in. Which...kind of sucks for anything beyond this coolatta. But whatever, right? You have Blue Raspberry, Cherry, and you're supposed to have Vanilla. Everywhere online says that's what the last flavor is. But the kid at Dunkin Donuts that fateful day told me that everyone makes it wrong and that you're supposed to make it with lemonade as the third. Well it turns out, it doesn't matter. Because it's still gross. All three flavors are just completely weird chemical fruit flavors. Totally fake and you know it's just syrup pumped into some ice. It burns your throat and is almost tough to taste the differences in the flavors once you start drinking it.

Would vanilla have changed it all the much? I doubt it. I'm a fan of coolattas. Mostly the coffee ones but every once in a while I have a Tropicana one. But these flavors here are just awful. I wouldn't even say to try it once. It's not worth it because you can't do much with the cup after.

I drank half and let the other half melt in the sun while I swam in a lake and then I dumped it out and brought the cup home, because no nerd can resist having a cup with superheroes on it. Even if it was from a god awful drink.

But, in the spirit of Captain America, a man who rushes fearless into battle, I faced down all three flavors at once and lived to tell about it...

So. Gross.

The final verdict: D for DON'T try either of these. Despite your love for Cap.

I couldn't disagree more with your appraisal of that doughnut. There is not a millimeter on top that isn't covered in frosting. so it's not shaped like a star, sure- but it looks like a blob of frosting, and I don't see how that could be bad.