Cartman: Do not wake up till morning, or I will kick you in the nuts. Oooh, in the nuts.

Cartman: T-Tooth? What the hell? Mom!

Liane: Yes, Eric.

Cartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!

Liane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that...well... There is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.

Cartman: You almost had me for a second there, Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, heh-heh. M-Mom?

Liane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.

Cartman: Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?

Liane: No, honey. It's just--

Cartman: How could--? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?

Liane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.

Cartman: How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.

Gerald: Oh, hello, son.

Kyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?

Gerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.

Kyle: Oh my God! You did lie to me!

Gerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.

Kyle: Peter Pan, too?

Gerald: Kyle--

Kyle: What about Moses and Abraham?

Gerald: Well, they were probably real.

Kyle: Probably? Is Atlantis real?

Gerald: Probably not.

Kyle: Wa-ha-ha-hah!

Gerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.

Announcer of the ADA: Fellow dentists! As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth-fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this: A giant half-chicken, half-squirrel, that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest, for genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring. We believe also, that the creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra, and that it...

Dr Foley: Excuse me, I think I have a more logical theory!

Announcer: Well, by all means, Mr Foley, enlighten us!

Dr Foley: I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit!

Dr Foley: It's not ridiculous, it's very possible. I've seen it happen before!

Announcer: Where?

Dr Foley: In Montreal.

Announcer: [more laughing] And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?

Dr Foley: Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!

Announcer: Very well, Mr Foley! You go on your wild goose chase, and meanwhile we'll deal with the real problems at hand.

Dr Foley: I will! [leaves]

Announcer: Ha ha ha! Anyway, the half-chicken, half-squirrel would most likely be about 3-4.5 feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a floatation device.

Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today: You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.

Stuart: I'm not going to make it. I'm going to be sick. Oh my stomach!

Stan: Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!

[outside the hotel, as Stuart is being put into the ambulance]

Kenny's Mom: Are you all right, Stuart?

Stuart: Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men. [sobs] I just wanna go home and take a--a hot bath!

[all the pedophiles are now arrested]

Lead Agent: [to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?

NAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. Our forefathers came to this country because...they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand.

Kyle: Dude, you have sex with children!

NAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away.

Kyle: [slowly] Dude. You have sex with children!

Stan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.

Kyle: Seriously.

Lead Agent: All right, that's enough. You're going to be put away for a long time!

[the agents lead the pedophiles away into custody]

Kyle: Well, Cartman?

Cartman: Well what?

Kyle: Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?

Boys: Yeah!

Cartman: All right, all right. I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.

Stan: And now, you still wanna hang out with older mature friends?

Cartman: No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long.

Mr Garrison: I do not have sex with boys. I like men my own age. Ah! I mean I like women. Ah! What did I just say? I like titties!

Cartman: I've outgrown all of my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [stares at Clyde Frog] Ohhh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can meet new friends on the Internet! [on computer] Here's a chat room: 'Men who like young boys'...that's perfect! [types a message under screen name 'BigBoned'] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and-- [he gets cut off and subsequently bombarded by messages from old guys] Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick...'Tony316'.

Cartman: [searching online for a new friend] Okay, let's try this again. [typing] Hi everyone. I am looking for fun times with older male. I like to-- [interrupted again by even more older men] Oh, this one looks good. "Hung Daddy'. [typing] Hello, Hung Daddy.

Hung Daddy: Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.

Cartman: Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. [typing] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. :(

Mr Garrison: [writing] Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about. [aside to Mr. Hat] Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat! Hot lesbo scene comin' up! And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. "Go on," Rebecca said softly. "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips. It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warm to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. They presented themselves, tall and mighty, all around her, wi- [Mr. Hat slowly slides under the desk] Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing? ...oh, Mr. Hat!

Wendy: Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut. She cooked food in a wok.

Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big-

Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit

And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like-

Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.

Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their-

Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,

The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his

Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt

Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a-

Contaminated water can really make you sick.

Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your-

Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck

And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!

Cartman: Thanks Wendy. Don't call us, we won't call you neither.

Fingerbang: Fingerbang! Bang bang! Fingerbang! Bang bang bang! I'm gonna fingerbang bang you into my life! Girl you you like to fingerbang and that's all right! 'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang and let's not fight. I'm gonna fingerbang bang you every night. I'm gonna fingerbang bang you every night!

Cartman: You guys, I had a dream of how I can make ten million dollars. You ready? ...Boy band.

Stan: Boy band?

Cartman: Boy band.

Kyle: I'm not joining any faggy boy band.

Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars, asshole!

Stan: Hey Cartman, what does "fingerbang" mean, anyway?

Cartman: I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.

Kenny: [laughs] That's not what it means.

Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.

Cartman: Oookay, Kenny, what does "fingerbang" mean then?

Kenny: It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.

Cartman: ...What? What?! Who the hell would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!

Sister Anne: Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.

Cartman: Jesus was made of…crackers?

Sister Anne: No.

Stan: But crackers are his body.

Sister Anne: Yes.

Kenny: What?

Sister Anne: In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."

Cartman: So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.

Sister Anne: No no no no!

Butters: Well, what are we eating then?

Sister Anne: The body of Christ!

Stan: No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.

Sister Anne: No!

Stan: No?!

Butters: I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.

Sister Anne: Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?

Boys: Okay...

Sister Anne: And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.

Cartman: Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.

Sister Anne: Eric, do you want to go to hell?

Cartman: No!

Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.

Stan: [after Kenny is hit by a bus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!

Stan: He's doomed.

Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Satan: No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I gonna go, Detroit?

[Cartman has been confessing his sins, unaware of who is in the other side of the confessional]

Cartman: And that was about everything from first grade. And then last year...you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?

Father Mackey: Your confession does not leave this box.

Cartman: Okay, because last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.

Mackey: Oh. Well, I'm sure he would forgive you...if he...knew.

Cartman: No but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my buttcheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it.

Mackey: [annoyed] I see.

Cartman: And then this other time, I went peepee in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week. And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog, and I went number two on the sidewalk, and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog, so then the priest got fined like $100 for not picking it up. And then this one time, I put superglue all over the priest's bottom...

[Father Mackey, who has been getting steadily angrier during this confession, finally smashes through the confessional screen and begins throttling Cartman]

Cartman: I am saying this because we must be saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!

Principal Victoria: [approaches with parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.

Cartman: [meanwhile, in the background] Well, God is gonna heal those eyes and save you from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!

Principal Victoria: Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.

Cartman: [in the background] But some of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?

Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going 8-year-old. And then yesterday, he was smacked down by the Lord-ah! God bitch-slapped him right down to the fiery depths of hell-ah!

[Kenny has arrived in Mexico]

Kenny: [muffled by his parka] Where am I?

Mexican: Qué?

Kenny: [muffled] Where am I?!

Mexican: Qué?

[Cartman preaching in church]

Cartman: Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-ah.

[the kids gasp]

Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of Hell and he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said that in Hell, the smell is awful. He says that in Hell...everyone speaks Spanish!

[gasp]

Cartman: He said there is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah!

[gasp]

Cartman: And perhaps worst of all, in Hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them-ah!

[gasp]

Protestant: Hey, wait a minute, I was a complete and devout Protestant. I thought we got into Heaven?

Hell Orientation Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong.

Jehovah's Witness: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.

Hell Orientation Director: You picked the wrong religion as well.

Random Orientation Attendee: Well, who was right? Who got into Heaven?

Hell Orientation Director: I'm afraid it was the [1]... Mormons were the correct answer.

Mr. Garrison:: What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]

Rosie O'Donnell:: Hello, kids!

Officer Barbrady: Now there's two of those things!

[Trying to resolve the dispute over who has been elected kindergarten class president]

Mr. Garrison: All right, children. As you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Mrs. Harris?

[She comes in, guiding a sick boy hooked to an IV pole. He hands his ballot to Mr. Garrison and coughs something up onto the floor.]

Chef: Dagnabbit children! How come every time you come in here, you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's a clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a rim job, Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say "Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"

Stan: Okay. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?

Chef: It sure is!

Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?

Counselor Rick: Hello, camper! My name is Rick. How are you doing?

Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?

Cartman: All right, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass fat camp!

Mr. Mackey: Now, Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?

Mr. Garrison: Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.