Monday, February 18, 2013

"Happy Presidents' Day, Which I Totally Invented" By Richard Nixon

Hi there. I am speaking to you from the ninth level of the Kingdom of Shadows, where I am encased up to my buttocks in a lake of ice. And I wanted to wish all of you a very happy Presidents' Day, even though I completely made it up, and it's not real.

Bet you didn't know that, did you? Here's the quote from the US Mint website:

Since the passage of the Monday Holidays Act, Washington's birthday has been celebrated on the third Monday in February. President Nixon called the holiday "Presidents' Day" to honor all past presidents. Many states and people have followed his example, though "Washington's Birthday" is still the holiday's legal name for the federal government.
And the US Office of Personnel Management confirms it.

You're having that M. Night Shyamalan moment, aren't you? The whole world flipped inside out, and now you feel queasy and powerless. Plus I just reminded you of M. Night Shyamalan, so it hurts even more. This is what I do. And it's why this day is my real legacy. I have left an imprint on your conceptual world, and it allows me to screw with you from beyond the grave. So have we all.

Every one of us, every thug, liar, and scoundrel who managed to shimmy up that greasy pole changed how we govern the country in big and small ways... some of them quite unnoticeable. People want to honor the brave and the smart and the honest. But isn't so much of our history about guys like me?

Lincolns and Washingtons pop up from time to time, sure. But the rest of the presidents, the real presidents... we are Legion. We are a tsunami of graft and corruption and tiny contemptible wars. We take up whole decades, almost centuries of governance. And the Congress and the state capitols are packed, absolutely teeming, with little larval Nixons ready to "grow into the office," as they say. After all, the opposition party always fights the current crook simply because they want to replace him with one of their own.

Tricking you into observing a fake holiday is a perfect monument to what we do. And the way you, the American people, celebrate it is also fitting: You don't care. You just want to max out that credit card for some crap you don't need.

From the depths of hell, I salute you my subjects and citizens. We need each other, don't we? We're all in this together in the dark.

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