Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Recent discussions between the United States and Iran have become complicated by the lack of a translator who speaks the particular "crazy talk" dialect used by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

The talks come as Ahmadinejad, who denies the Holocaust occurred and says the destiny of Israel and her allies is to be destroyed, has obtained a threatening nuclear capability.

The shortage of crazy talk translators began when the translator assigned to Muammar Gaddafi, the leader of Libya, collapsed 75 minutes into Gaddafi's recent hour-and-a-half rant at the United Nations. The beleaguered translator's last words were "I just can't take it any more."

State Department officials said the remaining translators "know crazy talk, but not the nuances of President Ahmadinejad's unique variety of crazy."

Monday, September 28, 2009

Washington, D.C.--After it was revealed that President Obama has only spoken once in his first eight months in office with the overall commander of the war on terror in Afghanistan, a special forces unit successfully secreted General Stanley McChrystal into the White House for a meeting with the Commander in Chief.

A military spokesman said navy seals tried unsuccessfully for months to get Gen. McChrystal onto the President's schedule, through operations with codes names like "Facebook" and "LinkedIn."

They only succeeded after keeping hidden in the north White House fountain, waiting for the president's secretary to go home for the night and, under cover of darkness, slotting the general in the president's Outlook calendar for five minutes Wednesday morning.

Philadelphia, PA—The New Black Panther Party (NBPP), a racist organization that advocates “Killing CRAKKKAS” and the deportation of all white people, held a press conference to decry Democrats’ “indiscriminate charges of racism” against their critics, arguing that the overuse of the term “diminishes the status of real racists like us.”

New Black Panther leader Maluk Shabezz told reporters “We condemn the sweeping manner in which liberals are casting as racists people who happen to be critical of programs proposed by Democrats. It’s appalling that liberals would lump in those with genuine policy disagreements with genuine, to-the-core, cracker-hating racist groups like the New Black Panther Party.”

NBPP officials attributed the devaluing of the term “racist” to “a conspiracy of honkies to make us look like pussies.”

“How are fundamentally committed racialists like us going to distinguish ourselves if everyone’s a racist?” asked Shabezz. “Do any of those tea party people advocate exterminating folks based on the color of their skin? Hell no! But we do, and we’re here to make sure no one denies us the distinction we deserve!”

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Washington, D.C.--The Obama Administration released plans for expanding the White House to accommodate the increasing number of executive branch officials it has appointed to direct high-priority initiatives without being first confirmed by the U.S. Senate.

Administration officials said the distinct onion domes, in the style of medieval Russian architecture, are designed to make the new executive branch officials "feel at home" with their new autocratic powers.

Washington, D.C.—To achieve his goal of totally saturating the television broadcast lineup, President Obama took the place of an expelled roommate on MTV’s popular “Real World” reality series, filmed this season in Washington, D.C.

“We saw a few gaps in the President’s airtime schedule,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “Joining the Real World D.C. cast seemed like the best way to ensure uninterrupted, wall-to-wall television coverage.”

Soon after the president arrived at the Real World house, nearby residents said they overheard some cast members talking about “roommate issues.”

“One night,” said a neighbor, “one of the girls confronted Barack about eating their fridge leftovers. Barack said something about how he’d keep taking their food as long as they kept turning the thermostat up so high, and that in any case she’d used all his Grey Poupon. And then Barack complained she and the other roomates hadn’t bought health insurance.”

Another local resident said the house meetings get particularly raucous.

“One afternoon, we heard Barack say one of his roommates acted stupidly,” said the observer. “The roommate said Barack didn’t know all the facts, and called him a liar. There was an apology, but the fighting went on into the evening anyway, with Barack screaming something about how his roommates’ concerns grew out of bogus claims spread by those whose only agenda was to kill his ideas at any cost.”

Then, said the observer, “It sounded like Obama called Michelle and started to cry.”

Washington, D.C.--In his speech to Congress on health care reform, President Obama justified his proposed government health care takeover by saying "More and more Americans pay their premiums, only to discover that their insurance company has dropped their coverage when they get sick, or won't pay the full cost of care. It happens every day."

As it turns out, however, health insurance is hardly ever rescinded by insurers, and when it is, it's done pursuant to rules that allow dropping customers whose applications include misrepresentations, or conceal relevant coverage information. Indeed, that appears to have been the case with the examples of rescissions Obama used in his speech to Congress. Further, government-run Medicare denies claims at the highest rate, more than double the average denial rate of all private plans.

In light of these exceedingly rare rescissions the President is using to justify his radical reinvention of the nation's entire health care system, Obama during his address saw fit to single out for recognition Edward Tumbley, one of the very few “green eyeshades” whose assessments contributed to the less than half of one percent of all health care policies rescinded under traditional rules.

"In order to find the most egregious examples in which insurers dropped customers from health care coverage," said Obama, "Congressional staff reviewed 116,000 pages of documents from three large health insurers, which identified a total of about 20,000 rescissions from millions of policies issued by the insurers over a five-year period. We could only find the couple examples I used in this speech, and even those are questionable. Consequently, I would like to single out Edward Tumbley, one of a relatively small handful of insurance employees whose decisions I can use to push my massive government health care takeover."

Tumbley rose to raucous applause in the congressional chamber, but remained humble after the ceremony.

"I really don't deserve this recognition," said Tumbley. "I mean, health insurance is very rarely rescinded. I guess I was in the right place at the right time from the President's perspective."

Monday, September 14, 2009

Washington, D.C.--As the U.S. Senate was poised to reject health care legislation that contains provisions for a government-run “public option,” rapper Kanye West stormed the podium, grabbed the microphone from a Senator opposing the bill, and began rambling.

“Yo Senator, I’m really happy for you and all that freedom and doctor choice stuff,” said Kanye before a shocked audience. “I’ll let you finish, but Obama has one of the best government-run health care programs of all time!”

Kanye is also notorious for saying “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” following the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina.

The rapper apologized on Twitter following his outburst, writing, “i’m sooooo sorry to freedom lovin fans. i like the part of the constitution that talks about limited government stuff! … i’m in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from that moment! … but Obamacare’s the best program of the millennia! everybody wanna booooo me but i’m a fan of rationing! No disrespect but … well you know! i’m still happy for the constitution thing! Boooyaaawwww! you are very very talented Mr. J. Madison, A-Ham, and my boy Jeff-son! … i’m not crazy yall ...”

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Washington, D.C.--During President Obama’s health care address to Congress, an advocate for illegal aliens yelled “You don’t lie convincingly enough!” after the president said illegal aliens would not be covered under his health care plan.

The White House has now conceded that its health care legislation needs a proof of citizenship requirement to make its denial of federal health care benefits to illegal aliens effective.

The illegal immigration advocate later apologized for the outburst. However, he explained his breach of decorum by saying “I was overcome with emotion at the lameness of Obama’s obfuscation. If his misleading statement had been delivered more convincingly, the President and Congress would not have been pressured to amend the health care bill so its prohibition of federally-funded health care benefits to illegal aliens would have teeth.”

Friday, September 11, 2009

Washington, D.C.--President Obama signed tens of thousands of questionable pardons submitted by the community activist group known as ACORN, which admitted to submitting 450,000 false voter registration forms during the 2008 federal elections.

ACORN has been under investigation in 15 states. The pardons absolved from wrongdoing all 400,000 of ACORN’s members in more than 850 neighborhood chapters.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said “The President trusts ACORN,” and noted Obama trained “future leaders” for the organization during his community organizing days in Illinois.

However, some officials at the Office of the Pardon Attorney raised suspicions about the validity of the many pardon applications that were filed.

“Lots of them were written in red crayon, and signed with names like Bert and Ernie,” said one source. “They dumped thousands of these things on us right before the deadline.”

Several hundred of the pardon applications Obama signed simply said “Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?”

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Washington, D.C.--After White House press secretary Robert Gibbs complained the Fox television network would be airing its hit show "So You Think You Can Dance" instead of President Obama's twenty-ninth address on health care reform, the network agreed to have dance show judges Nigel Lythgoe and Mary Murphy critique Obama's performance.

A spokesperson for Fox said the network was planning on broadcasting Obama's address on its sister news channel to "give viewers a choice in programming," but the White House insisted such a plan would conflict with the theme of the President's health care speech, which is based on government mandates. Fox eventually relented and agreed to the dance judge compromise, with one Fox executive explaining "Obama's address to Congress was essentially a dance routine anyway."

At the conclusion of Obama's address, Nigel Lythgoe said he found it "awkward and clunky," adding that Obama's "gestures toward tort reform seemed flimsy and insincere."

Mary Murphy found the effort similarly uninspired. She ended her critique by asking "What was up with that public option two-step?"

The American Civil Liberties Union suddenly announced it was changing its legislative priorities yesterday to call for the increased use of secret government files on private citizens after awkward photos taken at its annual conference appeared on the internet.

"We are appalled that pictures of a sexual privacy breakout session were secretly taken by an attendee who posted them on the internet," said an ACLU spokesperson. The session was attended by several "furries" -- fetishists who enjoy wearing animal costumes -- and a dominatrix.

As a result,” said the spokesperson, “the ACLU is calling on federal law enforcement to increase the use of government files on private citizens so at least this kind of stuff will be kept in secret files."

Sources say another ACLU official was also left aghast when someone sitting at an adjoining table at the conference dinner took photos of him and immediately emailed them to a website called "Rate My Ugly Mug," where over 3 million people publicly graded his physical appearance as "vomit fuel" by the next afternoon.

Following these incidents, ACLU officials said they've come to realize that law enforcement officials generally have better things to do than waste their time conducting surveillance on innocent people whose activities won't help them develop the type of sound leads that will further their careers.

"The same can't be said for the vast numbers of prurient private citizens who thrive on exploiting ordinary people for their own amusement on the internet,“ said the ACLU’s chief privacy advocate. "We'll take the PATRIOT Act over publichumiliation.com any day."

New York, NY--The New York Times -- after years of losing revenue in the face of competition from other media outlets providing more accurate and balanced sources of news -- announced a major cost-savings initiative that includes eliminating all the ink and paper that would otherwise be used to print stories reflecting poorly on the Obama Administration and the Democratic Congress.

"We're launching a program of unprecedented openness," said the Times' editor-in-chief. "It was patently obvious to the most casual observer that we aren't interested in balanced coverage, and now we're making that transparent for our readers. Literally transparent, as we'll be printing the paper with huge gaping holes representing the stories we refuse to print."

Newspaper officials said the new policy would avoid the sort of cognitive dissonance its readers had felt too often in the past. "For example," they said, "we refused to run any stories about the controversy surrounding former Obama Administration green jobs czar Van Jones -- who was an avowed communist, cop-killer supporter, and believer in the fringe theory that the U.S. government was complicit in the 9/11 attacks -- until after he had already resigned."

A Times spokesperson told reporters the new initiative will help the environment as well, saying "We're also going to start using actual, all-natural, biodegradable bile for printing editorials criticizing opponents of a liberal agenda."

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Washington, D.C.--After being elevated to a god-like status during the presidential campaign, President Obama took a series of inconsistent and implausible policy positions that led to a dramatically steep decline in his popularity as he lost the trust of independent voters.

Administration officials downplayed recent events, saying “This is not an unprecedented situation.” They pointed to other instances in which entities were immortal but later became mortal, “like in Walt Disney’s version of Hercules.”

Asked if Obama’s opinion of himself had deflated at all now that he was ranked less like a god and more like something ordinary, one Administration official said “Perhaps.” Then he added “But as we’re often reminded, pretty much the same thing happened with Jesus.”

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Washington, D.C.—Van Jones, President Obama’s “green jobs” czar, raised eyebrows yesterday when he placed an order for millions of red worker uniforms.

Jones -- who until recently was a self-described communist who founded the group STORM, a Marxist-Leninist organization that revered communist leader Mao Tse-Tung, who killed tens of millions of his own people -- said in an interview that the “green movement” was intended to lead to “complete revolution.”

When asked why the uniforms ordered were red, not green, a spokesman in Jones’ office said “Red is the new green.”

Jones later said he had not "carefully reviewed" the order form for the millions of red worker uniforms before he signed it, just as he said he didn't carefully review a "truther" petition he signed in 2004 that accused the Bush Administration of conspiring with the 9/11 terrorists.

President Obama, in a nationally televised elementary school address, instructed students across America on their duty to pay down the massive federal debt his policies created.

“Let me be clear," Obama told young people nationwide. "You all need to start putting a lot more of your lunch money and allowances aside so you can use it to pay higher taxes later and cover the costs of my way cool programs.”

Teachers reported that many children “were moved to tears.”

The Department of Education, after initially advising teachers to require students to “Write letters to themselves about what they can do to help the President,” revised the recommended teaching plans to include the following lessons:

Lesson 1: Teach students about the President’s plan for health care rationing. Tell students they all have to give a dollar from their lunch money to school nurse Ratchet instead of their family doctor. Then tell them the next time they scrape their knee, they have to wait in line to see Ms. Ratchet.

Lesson 2: Teach students about the President’s cap and trade plan to raise energy prices. Take ten students outside to enjoy the lower summer temperatures as the Earth continues to undergo a period of global cooling even as carbon emissions go up. Give all the students a battery-operated toy car. Then tell one student that he represents the U.S. and can only use his toy car for ten minutes. Tell the other nine students they represent China and India -- countries that are responsible for the vast majority of carbon emissions -- and that they can use their toy cars as much as they want. (If the one student starts to cry, comfort him with a photo of President Obama.)

Lesson 3: Teach students about large negative numbers by having them subtract record high federal spending from record low federal tax revenues in a weak economy.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Washington, D.C.--Democrat Rep. Charles Rangel, the Chairman of the House tax committee, failed to report as much as $1.3 million in outside income, and $3 million in various business transactions, on financial-disclosure forms he filed between 2002 and 2006.

Rangel is being probed by the House Ethics Committee.

Investigators say they became suspicious when Rangel also checked the “No” box after the question “During the fiscal years 2002-2006, did you have the capacity to feel shame?"