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How to Choose a Partner?

There are, it seems to me, two essential things in deciding whether to spend your days and nights with someone else.

Firstly, there must be some sort of real physical attraction. We, like the animals we resemble, have to like the smell of the other, or the sound of the voice, or just the swing of the step. We have to stare fascinated at the sweep of the long lashes on the cheek, or the scintillant gaze, or the sweet curve of the well-shaped lips.

In other words something physical has to attract us so strongly that the person almost seems in a strange way familiar, part of our past. The question, “Have I not seen you somewhere else?” may not be an entirely a false one. Some echo from our past seems to ring with a melodious chime in the present yet our lover may seem at the same time strange and exotic.

In my own case, coming from an Anglican family, I fell in love with a Jewish man. Yet my own mother, born in South Africa, had eloped at seventeen with a Jew. Her parents had come after her and annulled the marriage, something I was not told until I turned twelve. Was I then, by falling for a Jewish psychiatrist, repeating something from my mother’s past, though this man, a Middle –Westerner with what seemed to me a sexy cowboy twang to his voice, seemed so exotic and different from me?

Just as important as this first physical impression is what might be called a moral one. We must be as sure as we possibly can be that the person we have chosen will treat us as we would treat them. Is our lover capable of putting our interests before his/ hers? Will she/he help us in our daily life? Will he/she help us achieve our aims, our desires? Will she/ he help us with our life’s work? Will our lives be improved by this man/woman?

If these basic demands are satisfied, we need then to let everything else go. Don’t ask for anything more. Be willing to compromise on the rest. Overlook small foibles and failures, perhaps even bad table manners, a difference in opinion over a book or a film, or even a political view. We have to realize that all relationships like everything else require patience, perseverance, and above all, of course, that indescribable quality: love.

I'm happy the physical was mentioned first because that is the first thing we see, and smell, and hear as in their voice, like was said. Very often articles about this subject ignore the physical and act like its all mental stimulation and personality and of course that does come into it, but not until you get to know someone a little. You can't "see" their personality at first sight.

While there is little doubt that physical attraction is important in a relationship, connecting a parent's eloping with a man of a certain faith in her unknown, distant past to her child's preferences seems at best highly subjective.

The thought that "something physical has to attract us so strongly that the person almost seems in a strange way familiar, part of our past" seems part of our desires to be understood and those sharing a common common experiences are more likely to feel affinity and sympathy with ourselves. Notice though that this has little to do with physical attraction, despite the importance of this factor.

The "moral" factor seems to be based on the Golden Rule or, as stated, "We must be as sure as we possibly can be that the person we have chosen will treat us as we would treat them." This seems an inadequate explanation.

For example, a person may treat us well but if he or she holds hostile or crude views of others we care about then that relationship is at best superficial and doesn't encompass a range of life facets. In addition, we all have our own acknowledged and unwitting inconsistencies, especially as young adults still forming our characters. Many of us would struggle to live with our emotional twins either presently or in the future.

While common morality is important for a sustainable relationship, the lovers' individual and shared character traits provide a greater perspective including each person's preferences or cultural views, ethos and, of course, morality amongst dozens of factors of great and lesser significance.

This correspondent is not an expert on this subject and it is noted that this is an excerpt from a book. With all due respect to its author, the ideas of the published excerpt seem light and questionable.

What leads to failed relationships is reading other people's desires and falling prey to society's expectations of what a perfect partner and ideal relationship should be.

Although I agree with some of the questions listed in the article that one should ask when seeking a partner, I have my own criteria that are completely different.

The best relationships are those where two people can be true to themselves and their partner and not succumb to unnecessary influences by society and the media which causes incredible amounts of stress, pressure and disappointments, and unfortunately failed relationships.

THe lists of what is missing or not working gets longer and the focus is taken away from works or is positive in relationships.