11 Ways to Tell if Your Lover Loves You

Most theories of relationships focus on how intimate partners feel about each other, but according to John Gottman’s behavioral approach, you need to focus on outward signs to test the health of yours. This approach follows from the assumption that observable actions provide, in many cases, harder evidence about what’s going on inside a person than the inferences we make from what he or she says.

I’ve taken the liberty of translating Gottman’s theory, along with information from other supporting psychological research, into 11 clues you can use in your own daily life to gauge the depth of your lover's feelings:

Wants to spend time with you. Wanting to invest time into your relationship is a key indicator of successful long-term intimacy, according to one recent theory. Although both of you may be tied up with work, family, and other commitments, someone who truly cares about you will use whatever time is left over to have some alone time together.

Asks about your day. During that time you spend together, does your partner ask about, and show interest in, the high and low points of your work day? Couples build their love for each other not necessarily on the ethereal, but on the practical supports that keep communication routes open.

Trusts you. Partners who truly care about you will give you the benefit of the doubt. Research shows that in successful long-term relationships, partners want to have a sense of knowing where their mates are at any given time. However, they don't have this wish because of worry that their partners might be up to something nefarious. A partner who doesn’t question where you are if you come home late or doesn’t snoop through your cell phone bills is showing the kind of trust that shows true caring.

Helps you when you need it. As busy as we all get, adding extra chores or duties to your day may be the last thing you feel like doing. However, if your partner is a technophobe, and you’re techno-savvy, you’ll help out when something goes wrong with your home Wi-Fi network. Similarly, if you absolutely need something from the drug store and are too sick to go there yourself, a partner who cares about you will run a rescue mission and get you that cold medicine.

Shows respect for your views. If recent research on complementarity in relationships is true, it’s possible for you and your partner to be on completely opposite poles of the political spectrum and still remain happy together for years. The key feature is not what your beliefs are, though, but how open you can be to accepting your partner’s perspective as valid. Let’s say you’re an ardent feminist and your partner holds pre-1970s views about women. If he truly cares about you, he’ll at least listen to you when you express concern about women’s status in the workplace.

Includes you in decisions. Couples decide on everything from mundane chores to high-stakes questions of where (and how) to invest their income. It’s fine and probably advisable for each person to specialize in some tasks needed to keep the household going, but at some point you need to feel that your views will still be sought (and heard).

Shows affection. Couples don’t have to engage in frequent sex, or even any sex at all, to be emotionally intimate. However, showing some sign of physical closeness, even if it’s resting a hand on your shoulder, suggests that your partner feels a vital connection to you.

Looks at you. The nonverbal cues that partners share with each other reveal their deeper feelings. If your partner looks at you while you’re talking, or if you catch him or her darting a glance your way, this suggests that he or she takes pleasure in being with you. The two of you don’t need to spend hours gazing into each other’s eyes; even a quick glance can be enough to send positive, love-confirming, vibes.

Likes to talk about the past. Couples who spend time reliving their enjoyable moments from the past, and do so in a positive and supportive way, can strengthen their ties in the present and future. If your partner uses phrases such as “Remember the time we…?” and then proceeds to tell a great story from your past (which you might not even recall), it suggests that you and your shared experiences play an important role in your partner’s mind.

Is willing to go to bat for you and your relationship. Does your partner defend you when someone else criticizes you or does he or she join in the fray? We certainly know from great literature that people who truly care about each other will risk their own well-being for the other's welfare. Partners in more ordinary relationships can still show their love for each other by bonding together against outside attacks. In a study of lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals in close relationships, San Francisco State sexuality researcher David Frost found that many who felt stigmatized because of their relationships drew strength from each other and felt that they bonded more closely in the face of adversity.

Makes you feel good about yourself. A partner who truly cares about you boosts your self-esteem and sense of identity. If nothing else, being with someone who makes you feel valued provides you with strong positive reinforcement. We want to be with people who make us feel good. This doesn’t mean that you’ll always have wonderful days and nights in which you never quibble or become frustrated and annoyed with each other. However, overall, if you feel that your partner boosts your self-confidence, you’ll not only be more likely to want to spend time together, but you'll also regard yourself more positively in the times that you’re apart.

There's no set number of these 11 that would indicate whether a specific partner hits above or below the threshold for truly loving you. However, with these signs as a guide, you can gain insight into your relationship's strengths and weaknesses and from there, address the areas of weakness. At the same time, if you want your partner to feel truly loved, ask yourself honestly how you would rate on these 11 indicators. Perhaps it's time for you not only to count the ways that you're loved, but the ways that you show your love.

Follow me on Twitter @swhitbo for daily updates on psychology, health, and aging. Feel free to join my Facebook group, "Fulfillment at Any Age," to discuss today's blog, or to ask further questions about this posting.

sociopaths also do all the above, they are skilled manipulators very charming go all out for you find out whats important to you feeds this then one day out of the blue, nasty or you catch them cheating lies or other things

I agree that a sociopath would be an expert at going through the motions of doing all those things even though their heart isn't really in it (got THAT information from other articles on PT!) except for one item on the list; trust. The lack of trust always eventually shows in someone's actions, no matter how hard they try to fake it.

Agreed. I split up with a nasty piece of work shortly after the new year. She would cheat (no-one said she had to be faithful, or that it was a monogamous relationship - except she lied that it was when I asked to define it). She just gets a kick out of being cheeky. Like a big child. One who wants children at some point soon... that's what makes me saddest - they're only going to grow up inheriting her mental illness. She was obviously practiced at lying (I'm practiced at detecting it and at lying myself, but I'm a reformed manipulator, I prefer real things between people, rather than fake egotism). She pretended to not care, to be TRUSTING - but then occasionally slipped and got jealous, put on a completely different VOICE when acting like that - very telling indeed! But it was like someone getting jealous of someone using their car (with me as the car). Just the denial of the convenience of having me to use. Very sad way of relating to people as objects. Also her female friends, who she'd terminate a relationship with for sex with their boyfriends. Repeatedly. A man-stealer, and man-eater. This is due to her being that way inclined, but being an immigrant with her true love back home also has a part to play. Now when immigrants damage the social fabric of society by being here to TAKE (by default mentality, face it)... THAT is the kind of reason why people don't like them. I hate prejudice, and have suffered and do suffer immensely because of it - but there's no smoke without fire.
I think economic pressures and technology, make the current generation of young people far more sociopathic than before. I stopped using some social media sites due to it exacerbating my narcissistic tendencies and messing with my mood (funny how years later, Facebook was reported to have done the latter ON PURPOSE, which suffering from a mood disorder, is like pushing a wheelchair-bound person over, then charging him to be helped back up - as Facebook planned to do it to mood-shift people into buying their advertisers products!). Sociopaths are just people who're better-adapted to a CAPITALIST world that rewards sociopathic behaviour more than pro-social behaviour... Remember it in context and then one day we might learn the value of resistance to the worst of these negative systems of wealth transfer...

Thankyou so much at last someones opinion I can identify with. My ex lover was the same on the flip side he was totally nuts!! And the thing that still hurts is that he had all the qualities a girl dreams of

Hailey . I just agree... George `s blurb is astonishing, yesterday I got a great Ford Focus after earning $4235 this - four weeks past and-even more than, 10 grand last-month . this is definitely the most financially rewarding Ive ever done . I actually started 5 months ago and almost straight away began to earn over $83, per hour . have a peek at this web-site http://tr.im/4zzsy

I agree with another who suggests sociopaths do this, I guess going with your gut feeling is the better way to go than a set of behaviors.

Another pitfall is the fact that somebody who is ill(physically or mentally), grieving or has some other commitment may stop doing these things or have days where they do not. Maybe it is the way I read that article but I feel it is suggesting if your lover does not do these things daily that they do not love you which is a very selfish way of looking at things.

This was a great article, one of the better ones I've read on Psychology Today. And I'm a happy and lucky girl to say my husband does all of those things for me...even though he picks at me and likes to push my buttons, I know his love for me is oceans deep.

My only question, though, is how would a strong feminist and a man with pre 1970s views really get along? I totally agree with the message, even my husband and I have differing views on certain topics, but we respect each other enough to know we're all different. But I can't see how a marriage would work with someone being for women's rights, while the guy beside her pats her hand and says, "Yes, I can see where you're coming from, but my personal views are women belong at home because I really love having a hot meal waiting for me and seeing you in your nicest evening dress at the end of the day." How could a feminist fall in love with someone like that?

Yeah. You're lucky to find such a man. I always tend to attract selfish ones. I know we can't have it all, but I just wish men would listen more. I have to watch that a man doesn't lead me on, otherwise I'm finished with him. He can't have his cake and eat it. Moving out seems to destroy relationships. I hoped I was worth more than that. I was wanting to keep us both together, but he now seems passive, and I wonder if it's better to look for a new man. I can only know what he tells me. If he can't open up to me, I'm better out of it. I like a man who isn't scared to show his feelings in public, but okay, this man just wants to act all tough in front of our friends. I get that, but it makes me crawl back into my shell, because then I just see a different, more aggressive side of him. I don't think he's that good at telling me how he feels, so I have to wonder if it's honestly worth carrying on with the relationship. I get along better with men who want sex, and men who have no trouble communicating their true feelings to me. Tough guys just hide behind a tough image. That isn't how I plan to spend the rest of my life. I can't communicate with a man who acts all passive-aggressive. Especially not when they're folding their arms. It makes me think he's trying to tell me to stay out of his personal space.I always wonder what he expected of me, or wanted from me. After all, he instigated the start of our relationship. What's the point, if I can't even have sex with him? Not fair on me OR him. I might aswell go with a man who will want sex, because I will feel more loved, if I do.

The main problem with lists like this is that some people might go through the list like a shopping list and see one small flaw or lacking in one item and then use that as a conformation and justification, rather then see it all on a sliding scale. It would be very rare for both parties to genuinely score a perfect 11 on this test.

This is fascinating. I have to save. I have to study each of the 11 ways. Overwhelmed but somewhat reassured that I'm on the right path with my Dr. This guide reaffirms a lot of my feelings and will hopefully be useful to my husband as well. Thank you

have 27 years of marriage and i can count the times that my wife had told me i love you! I can also count how many times she had approach me to give me a hug or give me a kiss. I always been the one expressing my feelings in different ways. I always said that i feel that i was never attractiveto her. Her excuse is yhat she ddoesn't have to show love with affection that she show it with support. O have never believe her. I need yo know if is true.

Daniel, you and your partner should Google the 5 languages of love and do some reading. People don't always communicate love in the same way. The two of you should understand first that you both are communicating love and then should work to communicate it more effectively in ways your partner understands. Maybe if she understands that she's not speaking your love language (and you may not be speaking hers either...) she may me more willing to show it on the ways you want. Relationships take work. The grass only grows where you water it.

"Perhaps it's time for you not only to count the ways that you're loved, but the ways that you show your love." - That's why I read the article. Actually, I know that I don't love my partner at the moment, but I think that I'm crazy not to. I do many of the things on the list to make her feel loved and happy (does that make me a "sociopath"?) - I don't know if I will really love her again, or if I can even want to. It is a troubling time, very sad.

"Let’s say you’re an ardent feminist and your partner holds pre-1970s views about women. If he truly cares about you, he’ll at least listen to you when you express concern about women’s status in the workplace."

So if this male partner has pre-1970s views about women, in all fairness and reciprocity and "caring", shouldn't she listen to his concerns about women in the workplace?

The example almost seems judgmental of this theoretical man's views considering a link to an article was provided (which was not needed since this was a hypothetical situation) In a relationship you can't have this kind of judging behavior- you have to respect each others views even if you don't agree with them.

That's the hard part. That is why politics has become one of the main personal and philosophical identifiers today. Politicians have succeeded in persuading us to divide ourselves.

But political views like the example provided by the author of this article are not indicative of a person's "values" which we have now erroneously attributed to politics. Values are more important in finding a partner who loves you- just don't accept what politicians and political action groups are trying to convince you of: Your politics are who you are.

Instead, love that guy with pre-1970s views of women in the workplace who volunteers at the animal shelter, brightens everyone's day, genuinely listens and helps out in the community- perhaps you value those things as well.

These r all practical ways n all r pretty effective. Love has nothing to do with physical attractions n neither the latter has anything to do with former. In fact love exist where there is no such attraction. Otherwise its all a game of give n take, which if unfulfilled, brings conflicts n clashes.

This list is nice, and gave me pause (more about how I'm giving love than receiving it). But I think it's important to understand that people show and give love in different ways, and each of us has a preferred way. Check out Dr. Gary Chapman's 5 love languages. It's a bit religious (which is fine, but I'm not religious), but as a therapist, I like the concept of the different languages. They are:
1) Physical intimacy
2) Acts of Service
3) Gift giving
4) Words of affirmation
5) Quality time

It's important to know that we don't all show and receive love in the same ways.

And it didn't take me long to find out that my brother's primary love language is Acts of Service. He was much younger than me and whenever I got up to get myself a drink or a snack he'd always insist I get him one too, even if he wasn't actually hungry or thirsty. It drove me nuts! Makes me wonder how many readers would respond to that kind of behavior in a partner....

Don’t think of anything else just contact priest eka and purchase some of his herbal medication and your depression will go away. This was my state of mind when my doctor told me that i will not be able to concieve due to the Fibroid that was rolling in my family life and when i decide to reach out to the priest, and the priest told me what to do in other to get the medication. Eventually I receive all the Herbal medications that cure my Fibroid and give me the chance to become a proud mother: Eka is a great spiritualist, He did it for me, you can contact Eka on (dreka14demons@gmail.com). If you are suffering from the following gynecology disease::
1. Fibroid
2. High Blood Pressure (herbs to reduce your BP within 7days)
3. Infection, regular body pains (yeast infection)
4. Blockage from the fallopian Tube
5. Cyst from the ovaries
6. Unpleasant smell from the virginal
7. Irregular menstruation
8. Weakness of the penis (not able to have sex with your partner or inability to satisfy your partner sexually)
9. Watering sperm (low sperm count) not able to get woman pregnant.
10. Infertility for easy Conception.......
11. Skin diseases, Toilet infection and bad body odor…….Etc..
Simply contact the spiritualist Dr Eka on (dreka14demons@gmail.com) to get his Herbal Medication to cure your disease and put yourself on a motherhood side of life..

Submitted by CALL PRIEST OMIGODO FOR ANY KIND OF SPELL +2348079367204 on September 19, 2016 - 3:17am

Getting my Ex back was something that i couldn’t imagine will be so easy.I’ve known Cynthia for years, When we finally got together, things were so weird so we broke up in January 2014 In Ausgust 2015, we got back together and we were together until march 2016 of which she told me she was not interested in the relationship again, for a reason she didn’t say, and which i don't know. During that time my mind was completely at a state of unrest, I wasn’t eating, neither was i sleeping, talking to anyone was even
more difficult, I cried, I was so depressed and stressed out that I was scared and was even planning to end it all but a friend of mine named Alex Richard who passed through same situation advised me to contact Priest Omigodo to help me because I Love and care about her so much and I just want us to be together again, i contacted him although i never used to believe in spell casting but i gave it a try and and he cast the spell and to my greatest surprise everything was alright, Cynthia called me and started
begging for all she has caused me. It made a positive result and today we are happily married and she is pregnant . To you all out there faced with the same problem or similar to this, you can contact Omigodo on his email address on omigodoshrine@hotmail.co.uk because he will help
you. Once again thank you Dr. for bringing back my love. Thank you.?