Do you love Christmas trees? In the US, a passion to put a tree in the living room and decorate it is widespread. I know Christians, Jews, and Buddhists who love to get a tree and decorate it, then leave it up for a couple of weeks, at least.

At least as early as the 18th Century, Germans and Scandinavians were decorating pine trees, outdoors or indoors, for the Christmas season. Straw and fabric ornaments, and lighted candles, gave way in recent decades to metal and glass ornaments, with strings of electric lights. People now can choose between natural trees and artificial ones. Artificial trees may look exactly natural or may look like spun metal. And the newest ones have branches that fold neatly as you slide it into its special bag for storage until next year. There are trees taller than most living rooms and trees as small as the tabletop Nativity set. Some families make an annual tradition of going to the tree lot or even to the National Forests, tree-cutting permit in hand.

If you haven’t yet settled on a tree for this year, consider a natural tree, to be recycled, or “treecycled”, or a reuseable manufactured tree. If family members are allergic to pine fragrance, then the choice is clear: artificial is best. Get the tabletop size and you can just pop it into its box to store for next year. Some come pre-lit and pre-decorated, so that’s much less holiday work and stress.

However, if you really love natural trees, get the freshest one you can, and set it up with a water container under it, to help the branches stay moist. Decorate and enjoy. And when you know it’s too dry to stay up, take all the ornaments and icicles off, and recycle it for mulch. Call your Public Works Department, or put “Christmas Tree Recycling” in the search bar on your computer or your phone. This year, the City of Phoenix offers this link, for pickups of Christmas trees: phoenix.gov/publicworks/recycling/christmastreecycling.html‎. Oh, and take your natural-pine wreath too. Staff run your tree through a huge shredder, creating mulch that is then used in parks.

If you got a natural tree in a container, certain types can be replanted by your Parks Department! Wouldn’t it feel good to have your family’s memories, and your Christmas tree, go on to live in a park for many years? Whatever you decide, it should bring you less stress and more joy.

Happiest holidays from UpBeat Living! And this year, may there be Peace on Earth.

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● Kebba Buckley Button is the author of the 2013 book, Peace Within: Your Peaceful Inner Core (Second Edition). Keep this book with you constantly, to quickly recharge your Peace Within, with quotes, photos, and poems that take you directly there! Kebba is a corporate stress management trainer, and she also has a holistic healing practice.

Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br). ● Enjoyed this post? Please click “like” in the FB widget in the right hand column! You’ll have our undying gratitude plus a huge rise in your Good Karma.

One of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves is to be open to positive possibilities in all aspects of life. Are you willing to allow yourself to get well? Are you willing to allow yourself to achieve a promotion? Are you willing to allow yourself a massive upswing in income? Are you willing to allow yourself a happy love relationship?

Have you ever noticed that there are some small or simple things you want to have in life but you don’t seem to go after them? Some of them are so easy to get, yet you don’t go get them. Why not? For example, many people complain about the chair they sit in the most. They say it just doesn’t fit them, it’s too high, it’s too deep, it’s too hard or unsupportive here or there. You have been in these conversations and heard the speeches. Some people can go on for years claiming they want a different desk chair, dining chair, or recliner. Do these folks act like they want to change the chair? Or do they act like people who want to talk about the chair and keep on talking about the chair? What is actually stopping the chair owner from changing the chair?

It is completely clear when we truly want something: we go after it. A morning coffee or mid-day lunch is an absolute goal, achieved daily and without fail, for many people. In larger decisions, we all know people who are sure of what they want. When their chair is not right, they try adjusting it and adding or subtracting pillows. If that doesn’t meet the requirement, then they go to stores that sell chairs in their price range and start auditioning chairs. Soon, they show you their wonderful new chair, beaming at how pleased they are with the both the comfort and the problem solution. These people are open to successful changes.

The classic formula for achieving something is:

Set the goal.

Set the approximate time frame and budget. List the steps needed.

Take action.

Stay focused until complete.

Enjoy your achievement.

So why do we so often fail to get to Step 3? I propose that there is a category of desire which is not a real desire. It’s the category of What We Want to Want (W4). If I only want-to-want my new chair, I will not take action. I am not willing to take action. Willingness is an element for success. Inaction is not just a matter of laziness, although it may appear so. How many people do you know who want-to-want a new job or relationship? What other examples of W4 can you think of? You may want to journal about examples you have seen, or examples from your own life.

Do you really want it? Or do you want-to-want it? — Kebba Buckley Button

Here is a short method for you to try, in three steps.

1. Write down your goal, such as: get comfortable chair, find someone new to date, get new job, increase income by $10K per year, get rid of scars, learn to program dreams, increase stamina 50%, lose fifteen pounds without their finding me again. Note how relatively willing you are to do anything about this. Do you want it? Or do you only wish you wanted it?

2. Write down all your reasons for achieving this goal. What payoffs will you enjoy when the goal is achieved? Again note your relative willingness to take action. It’s higher now, isn’t it? If not, figure out for whom this goal was really set. Was it for your parents, was it for appearances, or was it for someone else? Now, if this goal wasn’t really your desire, consider setting it aside! Otherwise, proceed.

3. Vividly picture yourself having achieved this goal, and feel exactly how good it is to have this item, condition, or achievement in your life.

● Kebba Buckley Button is a corporate stress management trainer and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, and the 2012 book, Peace Within: Your Peaceful Inner Core. She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister.

● Your comments are welcome!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column.

Many people think of stress as something of a climatic condition, a sort of heat. Picture a large thermometer labeled “How hot will you get today?” Let’s call that The Stress-O-Meter (sm). In this model, people talk about “heating up” as they get stressed and “cooling off” as they unstress. They may say, “Boy, he really got hot under the collar at that meeting!” or “Yow, that’s a hot topic!” or “What a heated discussion we had at that board meeting!” People may tell a stressed-out person to “cool off” or “chill out” or even “calm down” meaning “come down in your stress/heat level.”

People ride up and down their personal Stress-O-Meter, the thermometer of stress, during their day. They heat up, then they cool off or chill out. What happens when someone gets so stressed out that they hit the top of their Stress-O-Meter? They “explode” or “go over the top,” just as a thermometer explodes when overheated.

While this way of seeing stress is very popular, it doesn’t serve us. In the Stress-O-Meter model, we have no real control of our stress. How much more powerful is it to see stress as a matter of perception and focus, as we’ve been discussing, with each of us as the manager of our personal energy budget each day?

“Now you can become an energy manager!”

–Kebba Buckley Button

Now, you can become an energy manager! Right now, try stretching your ideas about how to use your week. Imagine that your energy is measurable in Energy Dollars, instead of in hours and minutes. Imagine that, for each day of the week, you have a budget of 1440 Energy Dollars. That’s one Energy Dollar for every minute of the day. Now imagine that it’s up to you to invest your Energy Dollars wisely. You lose Energy Dollars when you invest them in people and activities that exhaust you. You multiply your Energy Dollars when you sleep really well or invest in people and activities that energize you.

Stress can come from internal or external causes. We cannot fully control anything outside our own body or mind. We can, however, control our reactions (meaning “choose effective responses”) to internal or external causes. We are most likely to choose effective responses and strategies if we are selecting proper breathing techniques, proper diet and fluids, best posture, best exercise regime, good sleep, and satisfying recreation.

How would you like to start getting younger again?

–Kebba Buckley Button

Operating your life as though there is a giant Stress-O-Meter can only lead to an exhausting lifestyle, running on nervous energy. I call this the False Energy Range. In that range of energy, both fatigue and dis-ease, or “disease”, will accumulate. To escape the False Energy Range, you need excellent rest, correct refueling, breathing clear air, drinking high quality water, and beginning refreshing re-creation, or “recreation.” Escapees from the victimhood of exhaustion and negativity can then use LifeTools(sm) to convert stress to energy and respond more effectively to situations. This restructuring of thinking and responses then leads you into what I call the Real Energy Range. Now energy and productivity start climbing up, and each person starts to recharge, re-empower, revitalize, and actually rejuvenate. How would you like to start getting younger again?

Next time: Positives we can add, to lift our energy!

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● Kebba Buckley Button is a corporate stress management trainer and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, and the 2012 book, Peace Within: Your Peaceful Inner Core. She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister.

● Your comments are welcome!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column.

Everyone can discover their secret energized self—if they want to. Using the LifeTools(sm) can take as little as eleven seconds, so everyone has time to experiment with them. The frameworks shared in this series are based on timeless wisdom and the latest medical, neuro-linguistic, and psychoneuroimmunology research.

Many people are exhausted, but they don’t have to be. In this quantum-paced world, do you sometimes feel overwhelmed and under the power curve? Do you feel that life is moving much faster than you are? Do you think you get sick more often, or stay sick longer, because you are “stressed out”? You are probably right. Stress affects our energy and our health in many ways. And the effects of stress can be profound and expensive. The rampant rate of autoimmune disease in this country and others is one outstanding result of the prevalence of stress. Allergies, skin irritations, fibromyalgia, fatigue, and chronic fatigue syndrome can all result from adrenal depletion and autoimmune dysfunction. Increased anger and violence in the workplace and elsewhere can also be related to unresolved stress.

In the days of cave dwellers, we needed fear to help us speed up and run away from dangers such as large predator animals. We needed anger to help us breathe deeply and feel powerful enough to run toward an enemy and fight. Warrior cultures in every age have practiced gearing up this attack chemistry so as to be brave, strong, and effective. War dances cause endocrine chemistry to flow freely, and artful war cries activate more hormone production. The aerobic exercise of running after enemies or fighting hand-to-hand burns off extra hormones and other stress chemistry.

In today’s society, we are often overstimulated, responsible for too much, financially pressed, frustrated, and exhausted. Most often, we express and resolve any conflicts through words. This leaves us with a lot of unresolved stress chemistry running through our metabolisms and stored in our tissues. Thus, individuals may have stored anger chemistry from one interaction and then may appear to overreact to the next situation that “makes them angry.” This has happened enough in the U.S. Postal Service that we have a modern expression, “going postal”. The phrase means “losing control and becoming violent,” often in response to a small stimulus. This is due to stored stress. And now we have mass shootings in schools and malls. Are you surprised?

In the U.S., health factors like high blood pressure, migraine headaches, and weight gain are at record levels. Many people have stress-caused neuromuscular pain and chiropractic issues caused by muscles in spasm. People spend billions of dollars every year on remedies for pain and exhaustion, yet most are still wondering where their energy went.

If people want to handle stress more effectively, they now can literally trade it in for energy.

The good news is that now there are answers to these issues. If people want to handle stress more effectively, they now can literally trade it in for energy. There has never been a more complete toolkit available. Global knowledge of health care, personal self-maintenance, and issue management has now begun to merge. We now can take the best of all the international well-being toolkits and translate these many techniques into easy-to-use tools for everyone who wants them. East has met West, and meditation has met medicine. Many of these tools are included in this series as LifeTools.

So many people have been tired on a continuing basis for so long that they now think this level of fatigue may just be normal. They think it may just be something that comes with aging. Their real potential energy level is unrevealed. It is a secret to them!

But imagine: what if your body-mind-heart-spirit system could feel strong, energetic, renewed, and enthusiastic? What if you felt optimistic, happy, and excited about new opportunities in life? What if you were meant to live this way? As you will learn in this series, happiness, excitement, and energy lead to more production of body compounds that lead to…happiness, excitement, and energy! Imagine how energized and young you can feel and how deep your in-joy-meant(sm) can be.

As you Discover The Secret Energized You, push the possibilities. See how far the LifeTools can take you into energy, enthusiasm, and rejuvenation. You are now embarking on the most profound adventure: to Discover The Secret Energized You and redesign your life. Make the most of this adventure to make the most of your life!

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● Kebba Buckley Button is a corporate stress management trainer and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, and the 2012 book, Peace Within: Your Peaceful Inner Core. She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister.

● Your comments are welcome!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column.

Recently, I was privileged to attend seminars by Dr. Kenneth Muhich of Scottsdale, Arizona. Dr. Muhich is an expert on natural, yet medically proven, solutions for fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. I was fascinated by the range of symptoms his fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue patients have. While following a general protocol, each patient must observe how her/his body responds to different stimuli and how s/he can best work with the condition. Each patient’s body is essentially teaching the patient what its rules are. The more closely the patient follows her/his body’s rules, the greater the recovery and the greater the chances of complete recovery. Many of Dr. Muhich’s patients have attained complete recovery. I have met some of them, and they are not kidding about their debilitating experience and their recoveries.

This conversation made me think about the differences in body requirements among the many hundreds of patients and clients I have worked with. Each person’s body has preferences about stimuli, diet, sleep, level and type of activities, weather, and people and places it could be exposed to. These are only a few of the factors for which your body may have rules. It pays to ask yourself, “what rules is my body trying to teach me?”

Perhaps easiest to consider among your body’s rules are its preferences about foods. Does your body love protein and feel weak on a high carbohydrate diet? Is your mind most clear when you eat dark green leafy salads, while you lack concentration after eating sugary foods? Is your abdomen flatter when you eat yogurt with live cultures every few days? Do your hands swell after you drink alcohol? Then follow these clues to feel great.

What about sleep? Does your body get the best sleep in a cool room or a warm room, with heavy covers or light, on a firm or soft mattress, with your feet under or outside the covers? Do you get deeper sleep with total silence, with background noise like the hum of traffic, or with white noise like “surf” from a sound generator? Does sleep work best for you between 10 pm and 6 am, or are you a natural night owl, lively until 4 or 5 am, then sleeping until noon? Do you feel refreshed after naps, or does napping make you tired? How can you better arrange your lifestyle to fit with your sleep metabolism? Several of my clients wake up for 3 hours in the middle of the night, do some paperwork, then go back to sleep for two hours; this has always been their pattern, and they make the most of it.

Some people I know are living life with one lung. Their bodies’ rules include minimizing aerobic exercise. But many people need at least 90 minutes of high activity every day, or they feel stressed. Studies show postmenopausal women need an hour of active exercise a day for efficient metabolism and to basically “feel good”. Many people thrive on quiet exercise such as yoga, while others love the extroversion, music and group stimulation of classes like Zumba. With what activities and levels have you found your body feels great?

Some people are easily overstimulated and do best in quiet environments. Others feel best in busy environments, perhaps with phones ringing, music playing, and lots of conversation. When you go to a party, do you lose energy (introvert) or gain energy (extrovert) over a two-hour period? Your nervous system is trying to teach you how much quiet it needs.

Many aspects of natural environment may affect your body. A hot or cold climate, dry or moist air, presence of negative or positive ions, relative brightness of the skies, and frequently shifting weather fronts all affect the brain and nervous system. What elements does your body prefer?

Often, people are aware they are affected by places and people, in ways that are hard to define. We may enter a building and have a strong feeling of wanting to stay or go. Around a new person, we may have a strong feeling we can’t explain, either of being very drawn to the person or of wanting to get away. We need to honor these sensations.

So what rules is your body trying to teach you? In this New Year, as you set your resolutions, why not resolve to honor more of your body’s rules, to cut stress, feel great, be sick less often, and enjoy your relationships more? After all, it’s your life. Only you can live it.

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● Kebba Buckley Button is a corporate stress management trainer and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, and the 2012 book, Peace Within: Your Peaceful Inner Core. She is also an ordained minister.

● Your comments are welcome!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column!

Recently, I met a man in a meditation class who said all the major things in his life had just changed. His relationship, his career, and the part of town he lived in had all changed quite recently. He was feeling highly impacted by all these things shifting at once, even though he was looking forward to the positive results and new horizons. He seemed almost shell-shocked. He was trying meditation as a means to collect his wandering, stressed consciousness and perhaps help him feel grounded again. He was aware of a need to emotionally let go of his previous ideas of who he was, and also to let go of bonds he had had with family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues. I heard myself saying to him, “it’s only the process of detaching that hurts”.

The more we hang on to the past, the stronger we grip the ties that bind, the more we give the bonds strength. For example, we may care about a relative or romantic interest who does not care much about us. The more we talk about that love we want, that we are not getting from that person, the more energy we are giving the relationship, and the stronger the bond is—on our part. Continuing to love and ache for returned love, from a person who does not return those feelings, is no thankful situation. It is unrewarding. I once heard this described as, “going to a hardware store looking for milk”. Yet, giving up that one-sided caring may be extremely painful. And we need to give it up.

In the 1980’s , the term “codependence” , or “codependency”, came into use, in part for unrequited caring. When a person wants something from another who cannot or will not give it, and the person keeps pursuing it, that behavior may be viewed as controlling. If you want to read more about this way of looking at things, look for books by Melody Beattie, such as Codependent No More.

Some time ago, a young couple who were neighbors of mine moved away. I found out only hours before the moving van removed them from my street. I was jolted. I felt distracting pangs of loss for days. Ouch! I asked myself what I was “missing” so strongly. I was very fond of the couple and yet knew that our friendship really never got off the ground. I would probably not hear from them again. So what were these pangs? Then I realized, the young couple didn’t care that I cared. My admiration and affection for them was entirely one-sided. They had no particular interest in me. While it is always good to like and admire people, and to wish them the best, I needed to let go of the idea that we would become friends someday. I had entirely created my own pangs! Then I remembered that word for one-sided attachment: codependency. Oh yes! Time to laugh at my humanity. And I did laugh!

I got busy with my real life and my real friends and lost my distraction over the loss of the lovely neighbors. Only the detaching was painful. It feels great to have no further bonds there. Who and what do you need to let go of?

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● Kebba Buckley Button is a corporate stress management trainer and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, and the 2012 book, Peace Within: Your Peaceful Inner Core. She is also an ordained minister.

● Your comments are welcome!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column!

The site, www.ProBlogger.net, contains a wealth of wisdom for anyone who is in business, or wants to be, using their blog as a key tool. Today, my article is a summary re-blog of a great piece that appeared in ProBlogger’s e-news and also on the website, June 25, 2012. The piece is called Blog Business Model 1: Land Public Speaking Gigs Through Your Blog. The full article appears under that date, on the ProBlogger.net site.

Marcus Sheridan’s The Sales Lion blog has helped him springboard very successfully into the public speaking circuit.

Sheridan has owned an inground swimming pool company since 2001. He credits a company called Hubspot with inspiring him to embrace inbound marketing and blogging, as a means of generating more leads and sales. This was so successful that he now teaches others, through what is now TheSalesLion.com, one of the premier inbound- and content marketing information blogs on the web.

Sheridan wanted to build a platform for his overall brand awareness and influence, with The Sales Lion, to get a different level of speaking opportunities. When people began to see his unique approach, he started getting more invitations to speak. Making himself write about marketing, sales, business, and personal development, he says, resulted in his refining his messages. It so embedded his key principles in his mind that he can now teach for hours without notes. He credits his speaking success in part to his “wildly opinionated,” passionate style, and the fact that he is unafraid to say what is on his mind.

Sheridan says his biggest challenge is “continuing to plant the seeds while you’re reaping the harvest.” It’s important for him to strike a balance between producing new content on his blog and continuing to network while also helping his current paying clients.

Asked what his best secrets are, Sheridan says:

I make people feel good when they stop by and leave a comment, because I care and I’m grateful.

I’m opinionated and not just regurgitating what everyone else is saying.

I’m dang good at storytelling.

I teach/write in such a way that anyone can understand what I’m saying. In other words, my goal isn’t to try to impress myself or sound intelligent.

I haven’t let off the gas in three years.

For online tools, Sheridan recommends HubSpot, for lead tracking and behavior software. He does use WordPress, and his blog’s theme is Thesis. He also uses a virtual assistant for editing.

His bottom-line advice to those who want to leverage their blog in business? He says:

Answer every single question in your field. Be the wiki of whatever it is you do.

Around 360 BC, Plato (in Greek), famously referred to “necessity, which is the mother of invention”. Plato was writing, in Plato’s Republic, Book II, about creating a new state out of the needs of the people. He and Adeimantus were discussing what that new state could and should be, based on the needs that were known. They imagined. They designed. A number of authors and pundits since have used the phrase, “necessity is the mother of invention”. This is generally understood to mean that if something is needed strongly enough, then a solution or an innovation will be found. This principle goes for the smallest levels of challenges and the greatest.

Consider this example. A friend remembers repairing a grandfather clock, in which a tiny part had broken. The part was no longer available, and the clock stood silent and useless. My friend puzzled and tinkered. Today, decades later, the clock works well, and there is still a sewing needle, deep in the works of the clock.

In another example of solving small problems, a client tells of having an annoying drip from her kitchen exhaust system onto her glass-top stove. The drip made a strange film on the stovetop, which adhered to any cooking tool passing by that spot. In an otherwise attractive kitchen, until the cause and solution of the drip itself could be found, a small and lovely temporary solution was developed: put a tiny terracotta baking dish on the stovetop, under the drip. The tiny baking dish also serves as a spoon rest, so it remains. How many tiny innovations have you made, that enhanced your daily life?

In the TLC television show, What Not to Wear (WNTW), over 200 episodes of makeovers have taken place. But this is no shopping show, no find-the-right-pants show, no get-a-better-hairstyle show. There is a much larger vision. WNTW creates a unique opportunity for women—and an occasional man—to completely re-envision how they present themselves to the world. Each participant, or “contributor”, is offered the chance to go to New York City with their entire wardrobe and have their collection reviewed by Stacy London and Clinton Kelly. Stacy and Clinton literally take away any pieces that they believe do not work for the contributor’s lifestyle; this is often the entire wardrobe. There is no going back. The old clothes are gone. The contributor is then given a $5000 card to use to shop for new pieces by WNTW rules. In the studio, as the old clothes are disappearing before the contributor’s eyes, the opportunity opens questions such as: what are the essentials of who I am? What do I take with me into this new time of my life, and how? How do I design my appearance, to represent who I really am? By the time the wardrobe is replaced, the person’s hair restyled, and new makeup designed, observers can see the contributor’s attitude, stance, languaging, and self-esteem powerfully shifted. Contributors have often reported great gains in their relationships and careers after their makeovers. WNTW creates the necessity to re-invent, not only a person’s style, but a person’s self-concepts, by removing the contributor’s habitual lifestyle props: their wardrobe. WNTW mothers (re)invention.

Occasionally, a serious situation may be the mother of our invention or innovation. In 2003, 28-year-old outdoorsman Aron Ralston was mountain climbing in Utah, when his arm became wedged between boulders. Ralston remained there for over 5 days, until he realized he could leverage enough force to break two of his arm bones and cut off his now-dead forearm with a dull multi-tool. This graduate of Carnegie-Mellon University had majored in mechanical engineering and French, and had minored in piano. He knew his piano days were over. He knew that, to live, he would need to break and cut off the now-useless arm, rappel down a cliff one-armed, and hike 8 miles. He did these things. Today, he still climbs mountains, wearing a prosthesis, and he has a wife, a son, and a speaking career. When Ralston realized his arm was lifeless, he re-invented himself and his life. Read more about Ralston in his book, Between a Rock and a Hard Place.

So in your life, right now, what necessity is calling you to invent something? Do you need a re-invent a relationship that isn’t working, innovate a change in your stale business life, or invent a new schedule with more family time? Is the ugly doorway of your home in need of a change of direction and redesign of the porch? Is your health calling you to re-invent your wellness, with a fresh exercise/diet/supplements regime? What necessity will be the mother of your next invention? Enjoy your inventing!

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● Your comments are welcome!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column!

Anyone know someone who has only negative comments to share? You ask this person how they are, and they give you a passionate list of things that displease them. Sometimes, they get on a roll and will dump as long as you are willing to listen. Socially, they soak your energy, and at work, they burn your time and make YOU look like you’re gossiping and being unproductive.

Humorous office signs are a great way to generate smiles. One of the best is a simple word in capital letters: “KWITCHERBITCHIN”. Huh? A passerby has to pause for a moment and let the phrase sink in. Then chuckle. The sign provides an instant lightening-up on the weighty topic of complaining.

What’s wrong with complaining? First, people get weary around the complainer, don’t want to work with them or sit with them in social settings. Kids won’t select that kid to be on their team. Second, people stop really listening to a person who complains constantly. Then, as in the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf, people will be nonresponsive when there is a big problem or painful life event, such as a death in the complainer’s family. When the complainer has something major to share, his would-be audience is already worn out and will automatically turn away.

Why should you quit complaining altogether? Complaining definitely magnifies your unhappy thoughts. You have to keep your mind on the negative when you complain. This keeps the negative experience alive and in your current memory. “Let sleeping dogs lie.” When we stop commenting about something unpleasant, and shift our focus to something pleasant, the negative-story thoughts can be released from short-term memory. We have a certain capacity in our short-term memory, so filling it with positive thoughts keeps the negative memories from being restored from “the back of your mind”, reloaded into current memory. Going over and over a bad memory or an unhappy circumstance brings it forefront, and it will bother you more. And more. And more.

This does not negate the positive value of journaling, however, in which you pour out your authentic thoughts and feelings freely. Nor does it negate the value of support groups. However, those in support groups might want to consider the boundaries between healthy brief venting and repetitive recounting of sad/bad memories. After the past is basically dealt with, telling the stories of past horrors can certainly bring those old negative feelings back to life, fresh in the nervous system. Do you really want to spend your day feeling down?

At the University of Missouri, Associate Professor of Psychological Sciences Amanda Rose has completed two studies of 1600 girls and boys. The work concluded that “excessive talking” about problems is linked with depression and anxiety. Girls tended to go over problems in great detail, while boys tended to think talking about challenges was a waste of time.

Do you know someone who seems to love to be angry? Perhaps someone who is critical and perfectionistic, who goes rigid when angrily telling you all about their dissatisfaction? Studies of the physical effects of anger have shown that anger affects the parasympathetic nervous system and therefore the immune system. So a person who stays angry, critical and complaining may be sick more often, and they may be more likely to get cancer. Do you want this to be you?

So how do you deal with complainers around you? To that person, recounting what’s wrong everywhere may feel like telling the truth, being authentic. What sounds like complaining to others may be valuable analytical conversation to the one recounting.

A complainer may be a perfectionist who is not often satisfied. Try to be more relaxed with that person by having compassion for them.

Try to move the person from narrative, naming the problem, to problem-solving.

But do not let them drag you down. Walk away if you have to. Take your keys and drive away if you need to. Remember you have a pressing appointment.

Try this: hold yourself to a high standard, trying never to complain. The positivity quotient of those around you will rise accordingly. You may no longer need that KWITCHERBITCHIN sign.

Where is the most beautiful gate you’ve ever seen? Was it modern or ancient? What was it made of? Was it the gate to a home, or a hotel entry gate? Was it a vintage City entry gate? What purposes did it serve? How did you feel as you gazed at that gate? There are a number of ways in which gates can serve us.

Gates are used mainly for security, to impress, or to commemorate something. Most gates are designed to filter something, such as entrance gates for movie theaters, or the gate to a yard. Paris has one of the world’s most famous gates, the Arc de Triomphe, a commemorative monument to those who served and/or died in the defense of France, in the French Revolutionary War and the Napoleonic War.

The most distinctive gate I have ever seen is the Stargate from the movie and TV show of the same name. An ornate circle of “nahquadah” perhaps 20 feet across, the Stargate filters people and other living beings who want to be transferred quickly between planets. People jump into its circumference, and they are conveyed instantly. When the Stargate is switched off, no one can come in through it. It conveys the good guys and prevents the enemy from arriving.

Now consider the gate to your yard. It allows you ingress and egress for people and packages, and it keeps out some people and dogs you might not want straying into your yard. In Feng Shui, your gate has energetics, which vary by its placement and its appearance. It is important to keep your gate in good repair, and to keep it lovely, if possible. Look at the next two pictures, which show the pieces of an old gate and then the gate after repair.

Photo by Kebba Buckley Button

Which gate would you rather have? Which is more pleasing? Which one has better energy? Obviously, the “after” gate is more pleasing and has better energy. That one will help energize your yard. It will draw in great energy, perhaps vitality, great relationships, and prosperity.

One more level: what about your mental gateways? How effectively do they protect your Inner Peace? What are your mental gateways allowing in? Are they welcoming vitality, great relationships, and prosperity? Over time, you have learned to filter negative thoughts and not allow negative people to disturb your mental/emotional/spiritual peace. No doubt you are always learning better how to do this. So on the flip side, what are you attracting? Would you like to learn a simple exercise to attract more?

Photo by Kebba Buckley Button

Today, design your Lifegate and install it in your mind. Imagine a beautiful gate, perhaps surrounded by lush plantings, or attached to a lovely wall made of stone. Make your gate of any material you like. Look in magazines, in Google Images, and in photo calendars for ideas. You can always adjust your gate later, in materials, height, width, thickness and color(s). When you have settled on your intial Lifegate, sit quietly for a few minutes, twice per day, and picture the energies you want flowing into your life through your gateway. Picture vitality entering. Picture your vitality arriving, then your prosperity, then any other qualities or energies you would like to have flowing in. Be in touch with your gratitude, which will strongly support the good conditions flowing in…and staying. Call up the mental image of your Lifegate often, see it in vivid detail, and see the flow you want coming in through it. See the gate shut to negativity and takers.

It’s your Lifegate. You are in charge. Maintain all the gates of your life for the Highest and Best. What will give you the best energy and the most of the life you want? It’s up to you.