The Official Biography of President Jeff

The story of how President Jeff assumed the mantel of the
most powerful office on Earth is a bizarre one. The astronomical odds of such a
confluence of unlikely events can only be described in terms of destiny, manifested in the most dramatic….

No. Scratch that. The story of President Jeff can’t be described
with poetic hyperbole. It’s a story of moronic luck (which is like dumb luck,
only dumber) mixed with breathtaking naivety and - something almost completely
alien to Washington - heartfelt good intentions.

Until a more comprehensive history is assembled, here are the highlights that surround President Jeff's flabbergasting rise to power,
which by now have been all over the major networks:

The incumbent was wildly
unpopular. His approval ratings could only aspire to reach the levels of mass
murderers, corporate fraudsters, or Jimmy Carter.

Jeff became a third party candidate because his
friends called him “chicken” and because he wasn't doing anything else at the
time.

Billy became his vice presidential
choice because, among all his friends and close acquaintances, he “called it
first.”

A week before the election, news
broke that the Republican challenger had been photographed in a compromising
scene at a party thrown by Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman.

On the morning after Election Day,
the new President-elect woke up to, as he put it, “the worst day of his life.”
As the editor (and only photographer) for the Gazette, I was waiting for him,
where I snapped this iconic shot:

A word on President Jeff’s inner
circle. Across the political spectrum, there is almost universal agreement that
the President’s cabinet, except for the few old hands like Mr. Stacy and
Admiral Bamm that he has chosen to retain, are completely inept. The President
provided a two point response to these accusations that he and his staff are
grossly under qualified:

You’re telling me.

They can’t do any worse than the “qualified”
people in office today.

Pre-swearing in strategy session.

As the political editor for the Daily Gazette, the town paper from which President Jeff hails, I am committed to covering the preposterous story of this Commander-in-Chief. I have also agreed to compile the Official Biography of this President. I hope to share the first chapters, which tells how a man who only ran for president on a Doritos and Yahoo-fueled dare actually made it to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.