Good Morning, News!

You like fatty red meats and fried starches. You love being sedentary. But that pesky heart disease is always coming around to ruin everybody's good time! Maybe not for long?! The Swiss have a hotshot new drug that drastically reduces the chance of heart failure. People are EXCITED about this stuff. Its effects are "not just positive, they are remarkably positive and positive in every dimension,” says one doc. Just in time for football season.

Then of course there's that experimental drug that brought two Ebola-infected American citizens back from the brink. It was argued, in using the medication ZMapp on just the two Yankee aid workers, that that was prudent, since we had no idea what might happen. But it turns out this stuff does pretty great work fighting Ebola. Now the company that makes it just has to figure out how to produce enough to grow insanely, unfathomably, depressingly rich.