Pray For Arizona: Oilers @ Coyotes

Get the electric factory ready, because there’s nothing like a little home and home against the Yotes! Your red hot Edmonton Oilers have traveled all to beautiful Glendale, Arizona–the future former home of the Coyotes. Yes, they’re finally relocating all the way to Tempe, just like everyone thought.

Connor leads the rest of the Oilers into the Gila River Arena where he will face the league-worst Arizona Coyotes. It was going to take a lot to take down the Canucks–our back-to-back-to-back Trash Heap Champions–but I feel like Arizona might finally do that. Losing to Vancouver twice in two weeks basically puts you on the throne. Now the Connor Train and his band of other players are storming in to blowup the Coyotes.

Phoenix Arizona Coyotes. Remember they almost had Connor McDavid, but then their division rivals got him instead!

Why They Stink

I gotta be careful here because my mother, bless her kind soul, is a Coyotes fan. Well mom, I’m here to tell you that your favourite team is one god awful bag of suck. The entire State of Arizona is, actually. Nothing grows there, particularly not good sports teams. If it wasn’t for the Diamondbacks getting godlike pitching and winning the World Series in 2001 this state would have no championships in 84 years of professional sports. The Coyotes have never been a threat. Not once. They’re a placeholder for an 82 game schedule. One time they accidentally made it to the Western Conference finals and proceeded to get annihilated by the Kings in five. That’s it. Their only memorable on-ice moment in franchise history was getting sumo-pumped by their biggest rivals.

Why Their Fans Stink

Live look at puck drop:

Just kidding. (I think?)

It would be such a cop out to make fun of their lack of fan support. It’s not their fault the Coyotes built their arena in Phoenix’s equivalent of Red Deer. It’s not their fault the Coyotes have been so broke that their biggest offseason acquisitions end up being players who have been retired for seven years. They didn’t ask for this shit awful team. Winnipeg was the only place on Earth that actually wanted the Jets but Bettman still gave them to Phoenix anyways. So a place that already had no idea what hockey was unintentionally inherited a team nobody cared about to begin with. Recipe for success.

Which Yote Stinks

Because I only watch this bankrupt organization play five times a year, I called my mother (who’s a lot more like me than you’d think) to ask her which Coyote pisses her off the most. Her answer: the human Band-Aid Martin Hanzal. Hanzal is somehow healthy at the moment, but that hasn’t stopped him from already missing five games in two months. My poor, poor mother.

Anyways, Chris Pronger is technically an Arizona Coyote. Fuck him a lot too.

As with Wednesday’s game, this one is a must win for the Oil. No more dropping games against teams we are better than. We need to capitalize on games where two points are extremely realistic, especially when it’s a PAC-divison rival. Anaheim’s 4th in the division and are only two points behind the boys for first. We need to go in with the mindset that we’re going to first degree murder them tonight.

They’re not Calgary, they’re not Vancouver, hell, they’re not even San Jose or Anaheim or LA. I don’t enjoy pummelling them as much as I enjoy pummelling the other PAC teams. But sometimes, Alabama needs to obliterate Mississippi A&M just to send a message to the rest of the world. That’s what needs to happen tonight. Slaughter them. Crucify them. Show them, their 15-year-old GM, and the other six teams* who runs the Pacific Division.

*I include Vegas in everything now. Far as I’m concerned they’re officially my newest rivals. Don’t even have an official player yet and I already hate them.

Prediction

My aforementioned Coyotes fan of a mother will actually be at this barnburner tonight down in Glendale. Hi, mom! Just because she’ll be there, Oilers win 9-0. Connor with 10, because one gets disallowed.

Puck drop @ 7 p.m. on SN Oilers

PS – A little ticket giveaway for Sunday’s rematch is happening on our Facebook page right now! Go take part.