One Giant Leap For Mankind

Archive for the ‘Hard Thoughts’ Category

In the immortal words of Frank Costanza: “I got a lot of problems with you people. And now, you’re gonna hear about it!” Let’s dive right in.

To the driver (usually a woman, never a cab) who forces me to hesitate, break stride, and have an awkward interaction with them over who is going to let the other one go. It may not seem this way because you see me wearing my iPod and mouthing words, but I have timed my steps to allow enough time for you to drive through the intersection without hitting me or changing speed. I am ready to walk right after you go by. Quit stopping and forcing me to be the asshole pedestrian. I don’t care who has the right of way, you ar ein a car, if we decided to let darwin decide who had the right of way, you would. So just drive. It is dangerous to stop short. What’s worse, it aggravates me. So just trust me. Drive through and let me walk behind the car. I’m not every other dick head pedestrian who isn’t looking. And if I was, and you hit me, then guess what. I deserved it for not paying attention.

To the guy at the convenience store that shames me into paying in cash. First off, I am paying you for a garbage granola bar and an arizona iced tea, not $100 of groceries. Apparently, your reasoning is that the credit people take a buck or some percentage of every card transaction. I come in to your convenience store trying to use one of the most convient things in society to pay for my food and you want me to go to the ATM, take the 2$ service charge (more than my shitty snack costs, by the way) to save you 35 cents. I hand you my card every goddamn day and you say “You pay cash?” I HAND YOU A CARD EVERY DAY! Do you think I’m just trying to fuck with you? I don’t carry cash you dick. Stop harassing me and give me my beverage and let me get on with my life. Is the 35 cents a day worth it to you? Because now I could walk in with exact change every day and you wouldn’t see a damn think but my plastic middle finger in the form of a credit card.

Urinal Flow Chart

To the guy who pees in the middle urinal when there are three. I’ve included the chart on the left to help you idiots. It really isn’t that hard. Here is a simple rule to live by: Don’t show random dudes your member. If we all had a bit more shame we would be a lot better off in the men’s room. This is not about anything gay or anti-gay. It is about you making everyone uncomfortable for no reason. Why would you urinate within a foot of someone? Why, given the choice, wouldn’t you try the urinal with the 4 foot buffer zone? Of course this could all be solved by every men’s room in the world having urinal dividers, but that would be too simple. Why spend the extra $40 as a business to make your male urinators comfortable? I’ll tell you why, because women don’t get it. they have two things that make them not care. First one is their “I don’t have to deal with it” attitude towards life. My Mother used to evoke this clause when she was eating a different dinner than us to stay healthy. I’m not going to see the benefits or the shortcomings so what is the difference to me. Second issue, they can’t relate! They get their own stalls in there. Sure there are 3 less toilets, but its a luxury model restroom. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had recliners in there.

Not quite its own person, but this theory applies on an empty T too. It is the same type of person who would pee next to you.

To the sober guy who is so excited to be sober he ends up being a huge asshole and/or cock block. It should be noted that I am frequently the sober guy. I am a big fella and it takes a bit to get me going, so lots of times I’d just rather have a few and save some money. However, this does not transform me into the colossal dick who decided that he is better than you because he politely abstained from having a few adult sodas. You aren’t partaking for one of a few reasons. A. you’re an addict. Great for you saying now, not great for everyone in the bar who now has to be alerted not to leave a drink unattended within 10 meters of you otherwise we are the asshole who set you back from 10 hours sobriety. B. you are driving. It is always admirable when a buddy is willing to take one for the team for everyone to be safe. But your job is not just to drive your buddies home, its to drive anyone home. What? Your friend has found an interesting mate at the bar and they want to head out early to her place? Tough break buddy, now you are driving there too. You signed up for this. Jesus created taxis for this reason. or C. you have no real reason. This is usually masked as “I have to work in the morning”. I’ve got news for you. Anyone who drops that line is going to be a deadbeat wingman or wingwoman. They are there to make you miserable, and God forbid you talk to anyone else but them, because they don’t want to make any friends. Just drop them off at work 11 hours early so you can do some work of your own.

To the people who aren’t reading The ManShark. What’s you’re deal? Everyone knows the internet was made by Al Gore to waste time. Nothing is a bigger waste of your time than reading and listening to us wax poetic about nothing in particular. Forward it to a friend, will ya? Whatever you do, keep feeding that ManShark.

Spread the shark feed:

Like this:

First off, this is my first post. I’m a new ManShark Feeder. And let me just say, overdue. The last ManShark who lived here must be starving by now. No one has feed his ass in about 2 years. And what is with the homo-erotic catagories? Hard Thoughs? Hard-sh News? Raging Semi Rants (ok, so I made that one up, but write that down!)? I’m overhauling this shit. Now we will also have Deep Thoughts… hell, deep everything. Why not go deep and hard? Needless to say, we are back and ready to make this baby ManShark the fattest piece of crap satirical blog this side of the Atlantic (Have you read that British garbage? They know how to lay on the sarcasm… and with an accent to boot).

Which brings me to the whole point of this. Accents and regional language. Lets be honest, every time you hear something from where you are from you think whoever said it is wicked normal. And when you hear something foreign its hella homo. Apparently the backwards people who aren’t where I am from (or when I’m from, but we will get to that later) feel the same way and consider me wicked retahated.

Let’s take a quick look at regional words. This is a running list, if you have something to add then by all means leave a comment.

*This is what I could best gather from a combination of Miracle, Brock Lesnar, and Bobby’s World.

Hipster Douche

Unfortunately the terribleness of the Newly Bastardized English Dictionary (someone get Webster on the phone!) doesn’t stop there. Some things are so epicly turrible (Thanks Chuck *wink*) that they somehow permeate all regions and dialects. We must stop all of this immediately. Somehow underground hipster culture has become the new fad. Every italic word here should never be uttered again unless, you know, you have to communicate with one of them (so yeah, never).

In fact, screw it. Lets take back the mainstream. Don’t let the regional hipster doufus du jour ruin our lexicon. Now that we, the intel, have become the minority. Those who refuse to dub the latest viral video with the terms “sooo epic”, “def rando”, and “super legit” can now be pushed aside for those who would simply send a link (not forward an email, this isn’t 1998) to a friend saying “watch this, it’s funny because the dog eats shit at the end.” isn’t it time for the tables to turn? The world and culture is cyclical. Just wait ’til we are all wearing those auto drying coats with malfunctioning sleeves like in Back To The Future in 4 years. 80’s style in a modern world.

Anyway, I am aware I have terrible grammar, and worse spelling. I do not consider myself a Grammar Nazi. I would be overjoyed to consider myself a new age vocabulary revolutionary. So let’s go with that for now. Until the next time I stick my hard and deep thoughts into your brain (hah, yeah), keep feeding that ManShark. We must all keep him alive.

This is a promotion of public safety awareness for the industry’s equipment. Everyone is invited to make this special week a huge success in cities throughout the U.S. and Canada. Safety Week provides a focal point for the industry, on a local and national level, to join together as individuals, companies and organizations and spread the word about public safety in the elevator industry. At the same time, Safety Week is an opportunity to celebrate the contributions made by the industry to the quality of life. Volunteers reach millions of riders with important safety messages in many locations during this celebration. – Elevator Escalator Safety Foundation (founded 1991)

Personally, I made this year’s Nat Double-E Safetay Week (as we say in certain circles) a huge success, by volunteering at my local subway station, with the aid -of course- of my $350 Safety Week Kit (What a steal! These are still available!). I set up camp at the bottom of the escalator, and spread the good word to my fellow Boston T Riders! It felt great to reach out to my community, knowing I was joining together with individuals everywhere, doing our part to spread escalator and elevator safety across this great nation, and parts of Canada.

However, Kinko’s refused to sponsor the cause, charging me in full for my custom ‘Safe-T ‘ emergency flow charts (still available). Some people just can’t get into the true spirit of Escalator & Elevator Safety. And that troubles me on a deep patriotic level.

If it were up to me, every week would be National Elevator Escalator Safety Awareness Week. Instead, the national calendar focuses on trivial pursuits. African American’s get the whole month of February, for history! And Flag Day?! That’s an inanimate object! I think, as a nation, we need to step back and re-prioritize our national days of respect. Maybe even do some calendar re-arrangements.

The nation’s safety is at stake, and the Elevator Escalator Safety Foundation has to share its single week with Veteran’s day! They already have monuments! I think I speak for the entire EESF when I say, get your own day, Veterans! It’s just one stupid day. I’m sure you can squeeze it in somewhere else. In the meantime, the EESF is trying to make the nation safer. Maybe you should stop shining your purple hearts, and help!

I’m proposing year-round Elevator Escalator Safety Awareness. “According to industry experts, elevators and escalators are the safest form of transportation in the world,” reports Ashley H. Rains, EESF Public Relations director, in her 5 page article, Riding Elevators and Escalators Safely. Yet injuries still occur! People simply are not aware of the danger. Just yesterday, my right shoe lace came lose on an escalator and crept uncomfortably close to the end of the stairwell. Fortunately, I had the quick wit to slip my foot out before the event-horizon, and I abandoned the shoe altogether.

That is the readiness the American public needs to adopt. Why? Let me drop some data on you:

Fact: Dozens of Americans deal with elevator/escalator related injuries or sickness on a monthly basis.

Fact: In case of fire, use stairs.

Fact: Elevators and Escalators are on the rise.

The threat is real. The solution is simple. Write to your local congressmen, make them aware of this important issue’s prominence, and ask them to promote year round safety awareness initiatives.

Ride safely.

And remember: when approaching a closing elevator door, leave it alone. Wait for the next one. If you’re on an elevator with violators of this rule, calmly step off, and report them to the EESF.

Like this:

“I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.”

– Nicolas Cage

Over 60 feature length films under his belt, and Cage has yet to play a lizard, shark, heat-seeking panther, or Bob Denver. Though, he did manage to play a demon.

Scientist, fireman, treasure hunter, carjacker, con artist, Con Air-ist: these are the roles we’ve seen Cage fill, but there’s a sneaking resemblance between his diverse characters.

His characters are consistently quirky, middle-aged men -often eccentric- with awkward dispositions, and precarious hairdos. Cage often must save the day via some kooky method, like solving riddles, forecasting the weather, or spontaneously setting his skull aflame.

Sometimes he’s saving the future. Sometimes he’s saving the past. Sometimes he doesn’t have side burns. Sometimes he has a mustache. Sometimes he’s John Travolta. And one time, he was actually played by Tom Hanks (The Davinci Code‘s screen play has Cage written all over it). But make no mistake, Nicolas Cage is a man of many vaguely similar faces. (more…)

Like this:

Children of the 1980s and ’90s were beat over the head with the mantra, “part of this complete breakfast.” Remember the image? A tall glass of OJ and a slice of golden toast topped with a perfect square of butter. No one ever ate the complete breakfast. Not even the kid in the commercial.

Settle for something realistic: beer.

We’ve all thought about downing a beer in the morning. A filling and un-sobering breakfast. The perfect way to start the day. But try reaching for cold one, and all you’ll get is cold looks. “Beer for breakfast?!” someone exclaims. Yes, beer for breakfast. And get out of my house.

Children eat sugar pastries for breakfast, so why doesn’t beer make the cut?

Compare the hard numbers:Beer: 1
Poptart: 0

Beer, for the win, with less fat, sugar and sodium, and more percent daily value of carbohydrates! Hell, a real s’more might be better than its Poptart counter part.

Like this:

Did you ever see Back to the Future 2? That floating skateboard Marty had: it hovered just above the ground, by magnetism -or something. Jesus was like that. – Prof. Religious Studies, Jaime Vidaurrazaga, Emmanuel College

You heard it hear first, folks. Jesus time traveled from the future. He’s no messiah, just a schmuck trying to put one over on the ignorant people of yore.

Jesus walked on water with his hover board, from 2015. He used his advanced knowledge and technology to perform all those miracles. That’s how he predicted, and feigned, his own demise. And he didn’t resurrect. He escaped back to the future!