The Five Most Pwned Newscasters

Live TV means expect the unexpected. Or expect nothing and simply enjoy the fact that it's not happening to you.

The Germans have a word for it: Schadenfreude, which literally translates to "Fuck you," the etymology stemming from a nasty feud between the German bourgeoisie and the peasantry over whether or not Goethe's Faustus was a comedy or a dramatic memoir. Anyway, what it means is that people love to see bad things happen to other people. It's a relatively simple platitude of human nature: Watching others suffer means you're not suffering. It's the reason Tom Brady always has that smile on his face that says, "Yeah, yeah, I'm sure your life is pretty cool, too."

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Throw in the element of surprise, and it's a surefire recipe for success. Newscasts are a medium tailor-made for real-time hilarity. Men and women so composed, so intent on pursuing the noble goal of reporting the events of the world, convincing themselves every night that it is important for the public to know about the upcoming apple-picking season, and it does matter that delicious fiber-rich desserts can have half the calories and fat of traditional cookies and cakes, so in the zone that the smallest derivation from the script is magnified tenfold. These videos? Try one thousand fold.

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Walks into Pole

The true definition of the unexpected: He never saw it coming. Except that it wasn't actually "coming." It was just sitting there. Waiting. And he was all of 20 feet away walking at a surprisingly brisk pace, at one point even making a sweeping hand gesture right past the upcoming pole. It's like one of those cartoons where Bugs Bunny would slap up a brick wall in three seconds so whoever was chasing him would run right into it, except Chuck Storm wasn't wearing a ten-gallon hat. Which is kind of a bummer.

Sexy Drug Bust

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Not many people outside of prison-sanctioned public access TV can say that an enormous dildo factored prominently in launching their career as a video journalist. This guy can. (Personal note to Kelly Ripa: No, that secret audition in the back room at ABC studios doesn't count. The way Regis tells it, that thing was far from huge and you were being a big baby about it.)

Even Sexier Kangaroo

On the list of things you might expect a kangaroo to do while lying around in the background of a newscast, where exactly does "masturbate" rank? Is it before or after "carjack an elderly woman" or "count to ten in Mandarin"? I would even expect him to start humping the reporter before rolling onto his back and taking care of it himself. Though I understand -- sometimes it's just not worth the effort.

Grape Electrocution

Shocking!

(Someone less dedicated to their readers might leave it at that, but how about this: Why were these sweet and innocent grapes electrified? So people wouldn't steal them? Were they a trap for a grape-loving burglar? Was it a science experiment aimed at teaching fruit flies a lesson? Honestly, sometimes Europe just feels like an entirely different country.)

Birds, 2. Reporter, 0.

OK, guy gets shit on. According to the bumper sticker, it happens. And even the reporter concedes he should have seen it coming. Bird infestation + Birds poop = You do the math. But no one ever expects lightning to strike twice. That's why that bird's friends call him Jimmy "The Lightning" Shits. (And what's with the reporter's diva-like attitude? Bring him a bottle of water? I didn't see the girls from 2 Girls 1 Cup complaining. Buck up, man.)