When You Hate Yourself

I am living proof that you can change your negative self-image.

I can't recall at what age the words "I hate myself" first crossed my lips, but by the time I was old enough to express these sentiments, my self-loathing burned with a fire and passion so intense it was almost scary.

I couldn't stand to stay in my own skin, and the more I thought of myself, the sicker inside I felt. Filled with inner contempt, I wanted to hurt myself in the worst possible way or to simply end a life I believed had no value. Convinced that I was unworthy of being part of the human race, I felt it was sinful to stay alive and suck up air better reserved for a more deserving individual.

As it was, however, I rarely paused to think of myself, and I certainly never slowed down long enough to actually be with myself. In my youth, I blocked out the pain of feeling unloved by functioning on a numb autopilot. But by the time I was a teenager, these early protective mechanisms no longer did the trick. The pain of knowing I was innately and hopelessly flawed from birth with no possibility of redemption was too much to bear, so I spent my days (and many years to come) caught up in a perpetual whirlwind of anxiety-reducing and addictive behaviors. I did whatever I could to block out the dark abyss that cut through my heart, unable to cope with the unspeakable misery that comes from deep-rooted self-hatred.

Where do feelings of such intense antipathy come from? How does self-hatred develop to the point where you have suicidal ideations or at the very least feel so depressed and unhappy that you don't know where to turn or how to cope?

Many people who have these intense feelings were brought up in a loveless home or by parents who were incapable of treating them with respect and care. Perhaps they were shamed or rejected by members of their own family or shunned and ostracized by their peers. They may have been victims of some kind of abuse – physical, emotional, or psychological. No matter what the precursor, one thing is certain: A strong sense of "I hate myself" makes one feel like life isn't worth living at all.

Those who are afflicted with a severe case of low self-esteem sometimes turn to drugs, alcohol, excessive dieting, exercise, gambling, or other forms of mood-altering substance or behavior to dull their pain. They may find themselves working overtime to block out the horrible pit that never seems to leave their stomach. Perhaps they have found a way to function and carry on with life but find it hard to achieve closeness or intimacy in relationships. They may feel so unworthy of achieving success and happiness that they derive little satisfaction from life's simplest and greatest pleasures.

The thought of being created in God's image only reinforced my feelings of being an unfixable failure.

If you can relate to any of the above, you may feel as unaffected as I was when people told me that I was born b'tzelem Elokim, in the image of God, or that all babies are born good. These notions were rejected outright. If there was any truth to these ideas, clearly God must have made a mistake when He created me. There wasn't – and there could never be – anything Godly or holy about me. In fact, the thought of being created in God's image only reinforced my feelings of being an unfixable failure.

Towards Healing

Fast-forward about 30 years, and I now work as a therapist helping others overcome struggles similar to those which plagued me for so long. Had you had asked me growing up if my negative self-image could ever change, I would have answered unequivocally "no" – that it was set in stone and well deserved. However with the relentless support and expertise of my own first-rate therapist, I have discovered that even the most inflexible feelings can change over time. Deep-seated self-hatred can be resolved, healed, and put to rest.

How does one go from a profound sense of "I hate myself" to a place of genuine self-care, self-worth – and yes, even self-love?

Unfortunately, there is no magic wand. If you are starting from a place of antipathy, the road to self-love, self-respect, and a belief that you really do matter is long and arduous. The good news is that with the right tools and the right person by your side, you can indeed achieve inner peace and happiness. You can "get by with a little bit of help from your friends" and ultimately become friends with the one person who you hang out with the most: yourself.

If you are battling with feelings of worthlessness, inferiority, or self-loathing, I'd like to suggest a short exercise which was pivotal in my own journey. It didn't change my life overnight, but it shifted my existing paradigm and perspective in a revolutionary way. It is a tool I use frequently to help others on their path towards self-acceptance and growth.

If you try this technique and it doesn't work for you, or if you struggle to even begin this exercise – please don't give up! Making a dent in long-held beliefs and shifting deep-rooted emotions is no easy feat. Be patient with yourself and take a stab at it another time. Better yet, enlist the help of a therapist or counselor who can help you work through your issues and arrive at a healthier and more peaceful place inside.

The human personality can be said to consist of several "parts" – child parts, adult parts, parent parts, protector parts, critic parts, and more. We all have parts, and consciously or unconsciously, they are the inner voices which guide our thoughts and actions in any given situation.

Going back to the sentiment "I hate myself" – note that this is actually a reflexive statement, meaning one part is performing an action on another part. A similar example would be the statement "I see myself," wherein "I see" is an action performed on the object "myself."

The next time you experience that all-consuming feeling of "I hate myself," imagine two chairs in front of you. In one chair sits the hater, the perpetrator, or the part of you which is spewing the self-deprecating messages. In the other chair sits the object, or the part of you on the receiving end of the blows, feeling hated, rejected, mistreated, or unloved.

Someone in your life treated you in manner that makes you feel the way you do right now.

The fact is that you were not born hating yourself or feeling unlovable! Someone in your life treated you in manner that makes you feel the way you do right now. The separation of my inner hatred into two parts – into a perpetrator and a victim – was eye-opening. Until this point, I suffered an all-consuming hatred that I assumed was self-directed. For the first time I became aware that these sentiments were actually learned, and that my critic part was mimicking messages that originated from an earlier source. Whether you know who the perpetrator is or not, this change in perspective may be a major milestone on your road to recovery as well.

By identifying yourself as the victim of someone else's hatred, of someone else's distorted view of reality, you can begin to offer your wounded parts compassion, understanding, comfort, and ultimately unconditional love and acceptance. The next time your inner 'hater' appears, let them know that they are no longer welcome and that you are not listening to them anymore. Instead, find another part (or even another person in your life today) to put in their chair – a part or person who sends you warm, loving thoughts and feelings, who speaks to you kindly and respectfully, and who can give your hurting parts whatever it is they need to heal or feel better.

Since there is no 'one-size-fits-all' solution when it comes to effective therapeutic and self-help techniques, here are a few other strategies you might want to explore as you search for ways to dissolve your negative self-thoughts and get rid of those self-effacing beliefs forever.

Pick up a copy of LetUs Make Man: Self Esteem through Jewishness, by Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, where Rabbi Twerski explains the importance of a healthy self-esteem from a Jewish perspective and explores the difference between unhealthy low self-esteem and the lofty goal of humility

Surround yourself with people (even one person) who care about you, respect you, listen to you, and love you unconditionally. You are worth it and deserve nothing less!

Do something nice for someone else: Nothing beats the good feeling that envelops you after lending a helping hand or being kind to someone else. Whether you send a friend a get-well card, push a child on a swing, do volunteer work, or buy your partner some flowers, being helpful to others is one way to build your self-esteem and take advantage of the good feelings generated.

Join a support group: Talking to people who have been through similar experiences can do wonders if you are lonely, depressed, or feeling down about yourself. Group feedback can provide a more realistic appraisal of yourself. We can all use a group of people cheering us on and supporting us through good and bad times.

Work and Hobbies: Engaging in meaningful work is not only a source of income and steady routine, but can provide identity, friendship, confidence, and positive self-esteem. Similarly, hobbies are a great way to get in touch with your natural abilities and find activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself.

Finally, remember that the best and most effective way to remove darkness is to bring in light.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Dana Green, MSW, is a professional writer as well as a social worker/therapist in private practice, specializing in the treatment of anxiety and trauma. Originally from Canada, she currently resides in Jerusalem, Israel.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 23

(21)
Anonymous,
July 31, 2015 7:19 PM

some cases cannot be turned around

There are cases where its not possible to change your feelings of self hate. For example, men who find themselves attracted to boys. And society itself hates such people and wishes them to burn in hell , so that case is sort of hopeless - its hard enough when a person hates themselves, but when you add the entire human race hating them or would if they knew them, there's no way to heal that situation. It may be the most unfortunate affliction known to human kind

(20)
averyjay,
April 11, 2015 1:15 AM

thats hating yourself can be helped with.

I understand this fact about hating yourself is wrong but its really hard for others to like themsleves because they feel rejected, pressured and alone and that's how i feel all time not loved or appreciated.

(19)
Paula C,
June 24, 2014 5:04 AM

You Wrote My Story

Thank you for writing this article. You wrote my life story here. I am 47 years old and still deal with the self-hatred that has plagued me all of my life. I really want to break free from this. The exercise with the victim and the perpetrator in the 2 chairs blew my mind. I am hopeful that this exercise will help me in overcoming this feeling of being hated by everyone around me and hating myself.

(18)
Anonymous,
May 21, 2014 2:13 AM

Your idea that one 'part' hates another 'part'

That section really hit home. Actually it made me cry straight away. I know the answer to why I hate myself. I just don't know how to fix it. An un-empathetic mother, being left to cry alone, scared and not reassured, sad when we left my gran and grandad and moved far away and consequently not comforted with the deepest sadness that left in me, my parents finally divorcing and didn't talk to me or my brother about it. Left feeling that I could have done SOMETHING to fix it all. Hiding in cupboard. Wishing I could just disappear and not cause anymore problems. Even though I didn't have any drunken parents or physically abusive ones there was so much pain that was left unhealed. There is no wonder I hate myself so much. It's me, the little girl, sat on the the stairs in our house listening to my parents arguing and not knowing what I did.... How can I fix this huge sadness that plagues me every single day? Thanks for the article.

(17)
Anonymous,
May 20, 2014 12:03 AM

I just don't know what to do... I feel that I am loved and then I just don't want to do anything in my life anymore, I get laugh at for many stupid reasons and I just don't know what to do about myself for feeling this way........ I just want to be normal

(16)
Anonymous,
January 6, 2014 3:02 PM

Thanks for this

Thank goodness for World Wide Web ! I googled 'what to do when you hate yourself' in desperation and found I'm not alone. I can't pinpoint how or why this darkness comes over me but I do have many bad memories, bad decisions I've made in the darkness. I've made significant strides lately but like yesterday afternoon till I fell asleep sometimes I think my way back into that pit. Thanks for everybody who spoke up! You helped me see light :-) today is much better.. When I'm fatigued from my long work weeks I'm vulnerable to pessimistic and negative thoughts, I think that's what happened. Well NOW is a new moment and I can think any way I want! I choose... Hopeful thoughts for this sensitive guy!

(15)
Anonymous,
November 10, 2013 3:43 AM

Bi polar and manic depressive since early childhood

Since I was old enough to remember the cruelty of childhood, I began to change. I went through numerous "bad" situations that I myself created. I have been looking for "real" love for a very long time since I am now 54, still bi polar and manically depressed. I also have several anxiety problems and personality disorders. All, I think, created because I did learn to hate myself at such an early age. I have tried therapy, every prescription drug known and am now trying anti seizure meds to reduce the bi polar symptoms. I sometimes think, at my age, life will never happen for me. And how utterly sad that is. Thanx for the article.

Anom,
November 19, 2014 9:32 AM

Hi there, what do you Do? If you had to choose one thing in the world to do right now what would it Be?

(14)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 7:12 PM

I can't

It's not someone else. It's me. My parents have always been a caring shoulder to cry on, but I feel like I can't talk to them about my problems anymore. I'm WAY too young to get professional help. But I hate myself even more when I give myself self pity. I feel like a terrible person when I do basically anything. Last time I told someone about it I got a very long lecture/scold. I don't know what to do.

(13)
Anonymous,
February 10, 2013 3:46 AM

Alternative treatments

I just wanted to put out there to those who have been suffering from low self-esteem since their early years and haven't found success in talk therapy treatment: Sometimes the feelings and/or trauma is too deep to bring up or remember in therapy. Healing kniseology and other holistic approaches sometimes work much better and faster in healing my old wounds and re-creating a healthy mindset, since the body remembers everything it went through and you're dealing with the source. Good luck!

(12)
Aharon,
February 6, 2013 3:14 AM

Been there as well

Google "EFT" Emotional Freedom Techniques. Saved my life and could reduce such suffering. Good luck.

(11)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2013 5:47 PM

Long journey

An incredible lack of common sense and decision making ability, and decades of being shown up by people (including wife) naturally smarter than myself have made this an unending journey. I haven't looked at myself in the mirror since I was 13. I can't. But thanks for the article...more people should write about this. Good luck!

(10)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2013 10:16 AM

Thank you

thank you for this insightful piece. As someone who was depressed for many years, I am familiar with the daily struggle. Good luck to you.

(9)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2013 9:44 AM

very moving and yet practical

Thank you for this eye opening piece. Besides being moving in its courage and honesty, it offers real tools for people struggling with similar issues, and gives hope that these types of destructive feelings can indeed change. Your articles are much appreciated, keep them coming!

(8)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2013 9:28 AM

great article

prof. twersky made a career with his claim that self esteem is the malady of the generation. obviously, your extreme suffering and consequent reactions are beyond self help books and simple 'chizuk'... don't give up!

(7)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2013 7:05 AM

powerful message

this article invokes such deep feelings and sympathy for the author, I hope she continues to have a very loving person by her side.

(6)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2013 4:37 AM

to the author: support groups?

The author had mentioned support groups for people with low self images. I know of AA and NA, but I have yet to find official or unofficial support groups for people suffering from self hatred..
Any ideas of where to find one?
Thanks!

Anon,
June 17, 2015 1:44 AM

I think all 12-step groups would help. Specifically, CODA (Codependents Anonymous) and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics - and this is for children of dysfunctional families in General).ALSO, if possible, try to attend The Possible You seminar by Rabbi Yom Tov Glaser - it is AWESOME, and helped me personally, and many others, to have breakthroughs in our healing.Good luck!

(5)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2013 4:02 AM

I need a lot of chairs

Too many people have hurt me and disrespected me from my early years through my young adulthood. At age 56, I've been in therapy most of my adult life. I've had several therapists and all,of them have been unable to get me to believe that I am worthwhile. Sure, I do kind and good things every day, but I feel, at the end of the day, they don't matter. They only mean that I got through another day without someone hurting me. But the opposite of hurting is not loving.

(4)
rr,
February 4, 2013 1:10 AM

how do u find a support group?

I've been reaching out for months trying to find a support group, any ideas on how to find one .my therapist just threw some ideas, none panned out.

(3)
Kate Gladstone,
February 3, 2013 5:34 PM

I am stuck unsuccessfully in this exercise ...

Re:
"Instead, find another part (or even another person in your life today) to put in their chair" —
I can't find another part: at least, not one that will show up and sit in the imagined chair. When I imagine putting into the chair another person who's in my life today, I cannot cause the other person to appear and to sit in the chair: either the image refuses to form, or it ignores me and refuses to sit down or even to stay around: it just disappears as soon as it is invited to "attend."
What am I doing wrong in this exercise ... How can I make this exercise happen ... Or am I not worthy even of _that_?

(2)
Anonymous,
February 3, 2013 5:06 PM

needed to read this

Thank you for sharing your personal feelings. For some reason when you know others feel the way you do. It makes it easier to feel normal.

(1)
Anonymous,
February 3, 2013 4:10 PM

from a fellow self-hater

I have struggled for years with self-hatred, but nothing I have ever read on the topic has ever addressed it in such a direct & helpful manner as you have. I'm going to try your exercise tonight -- thank you!! I feel less alone already.

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

Yahrtzeit of Moses in 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), on the same day of his birth 120 years earlier. (Consequently, "May you live to 120" has become a common Jewish blessing.) Moses was born in Egypt at a time when Pharaoh had decreed that all Jewish baby boys be drowned in the Nile River. His mother set him afloat in a reed basket, where he was -- most ironically -- discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and brought to Pharaoh's palace to be raised. When Moses matured, his heart turned to aid the Jewish people; he killed an Egyptian who was beating a Jew, and he fled to Midian where he married and had two sons. God spoke to Moses at the Burning Bush, instructing him to return to Egypt and persuade Pharaoh to "let My people go." Moses led the Jews through the ten plagues, the Exodus, and the splitting of the Red Sea. Seven weeks later, the Jews arrived at Mount Sinai and received the Torah, the only time in human history that an entire nation experienced Divine revelation. Over the next 40 years, Moses led the Jews through wanderings in the desert, and supervised construction of the Tabernacle. Moses died before being allowed to enter the promised Land of Israel. He is regarded as the greatest prophet of all time.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Just before Moses' death] God said to him, "This is the Land that I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob" (Deuteronomy 34:4).

The Midrash says that Moses pleaded to live long enough to be able to enter the Promised Land. He surrendered his soul only after God instructed him to enter Heaven and inform the Patriarchs that the Israelites had come to their Land and that God had indeed fulfilled His promise to give the Land of Israel to their descendants. To fulfill God's will was dearer to Moses than his craving to enter the Land.

It is only natural to cling to life, and the thought of leaving this world is depressing. However, if a person develops the attitude that he lives only in order to fulfill God's will, then life and death are no longer polar opposites, because he lives to do the will of God, and when that will requires that he leave this world, he will be equally obedient.

The seventh day of Adar is the anniversary of Moses' death. He wanted to enter the Promised Land so that he could fulfill the commandments and thereby have a new opportunity to fulfill the Divine wish. He surrendered his soul willingly when he was told that there was a special commandment for him to perform, one that could only be achieved after leaving this earth.

We refer to Moses as Rabbeinu, our teacher. He not only taught us didactically, but by means of everything he did in his life - and by his death, as well.

Today I shall...

try to dedicate my life to fulfilling the will of God, so that even when that will contradicts my personal desires, I can accept it with serenity.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...