Episode 1836, in Which Red Asks the Benevolent Gammons Just What the F@#k is Going On

I know you’re the guy behind the curtain. The wizard who’s pulling the strings and watching all the pieces fall into place. The one who moves us around like chess pieces, leaving us to deal with the consequences.

So I have to ask you this question this morning: What have we, as Red Sox fans, done to piss you off?

First, we drop the last game of the Baltimore series. Nothing outrageous here; a wise man once said you’re gonna win 50 games and lose 50 game, but what you do with those other 50 games is what makes the difference. But what could have been a somewhat redemptive 5-5 road trip morphed into a 4-6 crawl back to Fenway’s green, where we’ll now do battle with the first place Rays.

Next, we’ve lost The Ortiz Factor, with Big Papi’s wrist injury putting him on the shelf for at least a month. To adequately measure the impact this will have on team, imagine the opening scene of the first Star Wars movie, where the rebel ship’s door gets blasted open and all those stormtroopers file in, followed by Darth Vader. Now imagine it without Darth Vader. Just a buncha stormtroopers kickin’ around, without their big, ominous leader to strike fear in the hearts of opponents.

And as if that wasn’t enough, we learn that on the heels of losing Tina Cervasio, a woman whose smile controlled the tides as far as I’m concerned, we’ll also be saying goodbye to the Haze.

What’s next, dare I ask? NESN launching “Tom Caron’s Pantsless Postgame”? Fenway installing Tom Arnold as permanent PA announcer and seventh-inning stretch entertainment? Manny lost for the season after a bizarre accident involving two dwarfs and a deli slicer? A drunken poker wager between John Henry and Peter Angelos that results in an Ellsbury-for-Payton swap?

I suppose it’s all par for the course when you’ve won two World Series in four years. But that doesn’t stop it from hurting. I will remind you, however, that you’re dealing with Red Sox fans. Despite our recent successes, we’ve survived Bucky Dent, John McNamara, Psycho Steve Lyons, Damon Berryhill, Rick Cerrone, Mike Boddicker, Larry Andersen and Grady Little. You want to take us down, you’re gonna need a bigger gun. And I say this as a guy who came dangerously close to shaving my head and joining the Irish Circus after the 2003 season.