White Family Moves To Town

Race

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

MILWAUKEE—Frequently choking back tears, African-American computer technician Michael Shaw bid an emotional goodbye to his wife and 6-year-old son before making his morning commute Thursday, sources confirmed.

COLUMBIA, SC—Saying that his services had never been more in demand, Andrew Lewis, a local black man who supports flying the Confederate flag, announced plans Monday to triple his media appearance rates.

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Expressing satisfaction with the unexpected bump in his polling numbers, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush confirmed Monday that he was astonished by how easily his stance on removing the Confederate flag from the South Carolina Capitol set him apart from the rest of the GOP field.

WASHINGTON—Following news of a racially motivated shooting massacre in South Carolina that left nine churchgoers dead Wednesday night, the country figured it was once again time to dust off the national dialogue, sources confirmed.

WASHINGTON—Expanding their collection in an effort to obscure even more information about the nation’s past, representatives for the Museum of Repressed American History confirmed Thursday that they have concealed a new exhibit on the Tuskegee syphilis experiment.

BALTIMORE—Calling it an emergency measure designed to ensure public safety and order, Baltimore officials held a press conference Wednesday urging all residents to stay indoors until the natural evolution of social progress takes shape over the next...

EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of a controversial video depicting two individuals in the fraternity’s University of Oklahoma chapter leading a racist chant, Sigma Alpha Epsilon officials instituted a new national policy Wednesday requiring all membe...

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Shedding light on the striking lack of diversity within the highest ranks of corporate America, a report from the Executive Leadership Council released Tuesday reveals that white individuals are far more likely to be named CEOs than e...

CHELMSFORD, MA—Stating that the university deserves a boatload of multiculturalism for the investment it’s making, Leverett College officials announced this week that recently admitted minority student Jack Soto better have a pretty goddamn un...

FERGUSON, MO—Ahead of a grand jury’s decision over whether to indict officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, police in the city of Ferguson have reportedly heavily increased their presence this week...

WASHINGTON—Struggling to find an appropriate response to a delicate situation, members of the American news media admitted Tuesday that they remained stumped on how exactly to handle the case of missing mixed-race woman Alison Johnston.

WASHINGTON—Reportedly racking their brains in an attempt to figure out how they knew that name, a puzzled American populace admitted Monday that while they definitely remembered hearing the word Ferguson, they could not quite put their finger on whe...

With riots raging in Ferguson, MO following the shooting death by police of an unarmed African-American youth, the nation has turned its eyes toward social injustice and the continuing crisis of race relations.

FORT WAYNE, IN—Explaining that his sole concern is serving and protecting his community, Fort Wayne police officer Vincent Turner told reporters Wednesday that he does not see any difference between black and light-skinned black suspects.

HAMILTON, OH—Despite being the beneficiary of numerous societal advantages and having faced little to no major adversity throughout his life, local man Travis Benton has spent the last four years squandering his white male privilege on a sales floor...

CLEVELAND—While recognizing that he and the junior senator from Florida share a similar ethnic background, 12-year-old Hispanic boy Damon Aguilar admitted to reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t really know whether he’s supposed to be looki...

BOSTON—Despite rampant cultural racism against African Americans in all aspects of American life, discriminatory voting laws, and a vast gap in educational opportunities, there has, sadly, never been a better time than 2013 to be black in America, a...

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Citing the pair’s “earnest expressions” and “apparent belief in the power of honest dialogue,” sources said Tuesday that the open-minded, nonjudgmental conversation two Americans are currently trying to...

WASHINGTON—Following Sunday’s not guilty verdict in the George Zimmerman trial, an exasperated and speechless nation could reportedly do nothing other than wish black teenagers good luck out there, saying that they’re definitely going to...

ATLANTA—Following the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the murder of African-American teenager Trayvon Martin, news network CNN convened a special on-air panel today to determine if perhaps some kind of race problem or division currently exists in t...

HOUSTON—During an address Wednesday to the National Association for the Advancement of White People, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney received a lengthy standing ovation from the group of 2,000 Caucasians who had gathered to hear him sp...

Number Astronomically High For Harmonious, Postracial 21st-Century America, Researchers Say

NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di...

WASHINGTON—"The time has come for our ugly, intolerant rhetoric to step into the 21st century. Our disgusting, dehumanizing slurs simply must reflect the terrifying new global society we now live in," said American Racists and Bigots Council chairman Tom Branson.

MIAMI—As devastating as their 29-17 Super Bowl XLI loss to the Colts was for the proud Chicago Bears, it was worse for their coach: Lovie Smith will forever be remembered as the first African-American coach to lose a Super...

Do you have a pet peeve—some little thing that drives you completely bonkers? For certain people, it's the sound of a Jewish person dragging her fingernails across a chalkboard. For others, it's when Jews don't signal before making a turn. Me? I can't stand it when Jews talk during movies!

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Center for Media and Social Research, the reality-TV genre is unfairly biased against black people. The study revealed that reality is unfair to blacks, as well.

MINNEAPOLIS, MNAdvertising executives say they have hit upon an ingenious new way to target blacks: Mount a campaign that co-opts their own language and musical style. "Many blacks enjoy 'rapping' music," said Briggs & Adams Advertising president Sherman Roe, who developed the campaign for HospCare HMO. "And what better way to tap into their market than by 'rapping' good health to them?" Roe's campaign employs the use of a black teenager doing a "rap" for good health. Billboards of the campaign have been put up in black neighborhoods, and radio and TV ads have aired on black-oriented stations in the area. Roe predicts area blacks will, as a result, be "'rapping' happy with their HMO service."

WASHINGTON, DCAccording to a report released Monday by the Center For The Study Of Human-Morality-Legislation Attempts, the passage of anti-racism laws in recent decades may have caused racism to mutate into newer, stronger forms, undermining federal efforts to control the spread of the disease by spawning new strains of "super-racism" impervious to traditional treatment methods.

BURBANK, CA—The long-standing economic, political and social divisions between blacks and whites in America at long last ended Monday with a TV producer's casting of a black actor in a bit part as a teen computer-whiz archetype.

I have this amazing gift. It's called "blackdar," and it enables me to tell whether someone is African-American without even knowing anything about them. To be honest, I don't know where I got the skill. But wherever I did, I can pass somebody on the street and just instantly know.

EAST ST. LOUIS, ILThe December issue of Poverty magazine, featuring its annual "Top American Cities" poll, hit newsstands Monday, and for the second year in a row, East St. Louis topped the list. "East St. Louis dominated our poll yet again in 2004, topping such categories as unemployment, hubcap availability, and liquor-stores-per-capita," Poverty editor Felicia Banks said. "The city's educational system also rated high, boasting a student-gun ratio of 1:1." Rounding out the top five, in descending order, were Flint, MI; Newark, NJ; Compton, CA; and Gary, IN.

CHICAGOEver since being mugged by a black man, 28-year-old Caucasian Mark Weisner has become a racist, friends reported Monday. "I used to be more trusting, but I learned my lesson the hard way in October," Weisner said, alluding to the mugging. "Now I'm a lot more cautious around certain types, if you know what I mean." Weisner added that he has "no problem with Asian Americans."

MIAMI, FLWith the knowledge that the minority vote will be crucial in the upcoming presidential election, Republican Party officials are urging blacks, Hispanics, and other minorities to make their presence felt at the polls on Wednesday, Nov. 3.

DETROIT, MIRenald Boyd, 27, of course doesn't mention all the times he wasn't discriminated against, sources reported Tuesday. "I had the lease all set up through an agent," Boyd said. "But then, when I went in to sign it, the landlord suddenly started acting all weird and said he had to run out for a minute. We sat there for an hour before the agent got him on the phone, at which point the landlord said he was looking for a 'quieter type.' This country is insane." Boyd naturally failed to mention that the real-estate agent worked with him with no hesitation, and that the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail.

PIKEVILLE, TN—According to Hormel-plant breakroom sources, if the Puerto Ricans and the Mexicans and the Orientals and the blacks don't stop having all those babies, whites will be a minority in their own goddamn country as early as 2010.

Me, prejudiced? Of all the slanderous, hurtful, and untrue things you could say! I may have had a somewhat sheltered upbringing, but I'm extremely tolerant of all kinds of people. I would never pass judgment on someone because of the color of his skin. Look, I'll have you know I have several black Friendsters.

CAMP COYOTE, KUWAIT—With blacks and Hispanics comprising more than 60 percent of the Army's ground forces in Iraq, the U.S. military is continuing its long, proud tradition of multiculturalism on the front lines of war. "Though racism and discrimination remain problems in society at large, in the military—especially in the lower ranks where you find the cannon fodder—a spirit of inclusiveness has prevailed for decades," Gen. Jim White said Monday. "When it comes to having your head blown off by enemy fire, America is truly colorblind."

I don't understand why some people have to build themselves up by tearing other people down. Everywhere I go these days, I hear people making nasty comments about Michael Jackson's appearance. Well, I think Michael Jackson looks very nice.

All my life, I dreamed of writing racist propaganda, but I was always too scared to try. I came up with every excuse in the book: I lacked the necessary education, I wasn't a good enough writer, I didn't know enough racial slurs. But then, one day, I gave it a whirl, and you know what? It was easy! The hateful rants just poured out of me and onto the page. I'm telling you, this racist propaganda practically writes itself.

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

ELKHART, IN—Saying even the tiniest moment of leisure counted, local man Brian Rabe told reporters Sunday that he was attempting to wring every last drop of relaxation from the single day that remained of his time off from work.

White Family Moves To Town

GLENCOE, IL—Shock, outrage and fear were just some of the emotions that failed to sweep through this affluent Chicago suburb Monday, when word got out among residents that a white family had moved to town over the weekend.

The Hansons, who recently moved to the white suburb of Glencoe, IL.

Challenging none of the close-knit community's long-held beliefs and traditions, maxillofacial surgeon Bill Hanson, his wife Marge, and children Kevin and Sue are the first Caucasians to relocate to Glencoe in more than two days.

"I'll admit, I was concerned at first," said longtime Glencoe resident and neighborhood-watch president Linda Brubaker, 50. "I thought, how will having a white family move here affect property values? Then I realized it wouldn't at all."

"After all," Brubaker added, "once I looked beneath the surface, I realized that this new family of white people isn't really so different from my own white family. Come to think of it, they're pretty much the same on the surface, as well."

Brubaker wasn't the only local to have concerns. Many openly questioned the Hansons' ability to fit in. But their trepidation vanished upon seeing that the Hansons were much like, if not exactly like, themselves, regardless of—indeed, because of—the color of their skin.

"You know what they say about white people," insurance agent Jack Lundegard said. "They drive sensible cars, they bake things, they're always noodling about doing yardwork—all those stereotypes. But then I took a look at the man in the mirror, and I realized, 'Hey, I'm not so unlike that myself.'"

Area investment banker Harold Boyce agreed: "I've got nothing against whites. Some of my best friends are white," Boyce said. "Actually, I guess they all are."

Although Bill and Marge Hanson privately harbored doubts about the move, they quickly discovered that the nearly identical sociocultural background they shared with the people of Glencoe proved not to be a handicap, but an asset, allowing them to offer something familiar to their unfamiliar new neighbors.

The Schukals, who say they have "no worries" about living next door to the Hansons.

"I did have some fears about the kids' ability to blend in and make friends with the other kids at their new school," Marge said. "But luckily, their classmates were very open-minded about meeting new people of the same race. In no time at all, their peers accepted them as white kids just like themselves."

Though 10-year-old Kevin came from a different white neighborhood than his new classmates, he was soon invited to join the Glencoe junior soccer league. The experience has turned out to be enriching for all involved, giving Kevin and his fellow white children the opportunity to work together as a team, regardless of their lack of differences.

Thirteen-year-old Sue had a harder time adjusting. The day she arrived in Glencoe, she cried for hours, saying she missed her white friends back in Bloomfield Hills, MI. But within a few days, she began to adjust.

"I think it's helped Sue to be around other white kids," said Dana Berner, leader of Sue's new Girl Scout troop. "Moving is never easy, but it's lots easier when the new people are just like you."

The children's teachers say they are already fitting in at school and doing just as well, socially and academically, as their new white peers. "I think having strong white role models in their surroundings has helped foster a sense of belonging," said Glencoe Middle School guidance counselor Tom Luchs. "I can identify with them, coming from a white background myself."

Perhaps the situation was best summarized by the Hansons' new next-door neighbor, Peggy Schukal, who has become fast friends with the Hansons despite their racial similarities.

"When I heard who would be moving next door, I thought to myself, 'Hanson? Isn't that a Swedish name?' It sounded sort of Scandinavian to me," Schukal said. "But now I know that there's no reason to judge people by such arbitrary categories. To me, the Hansons, and for that matter everyone living here in Glencoe, are more than just German-Americans, Anglo-Americans, Italian-Americans, or even Swedish-Americans. What's important is to see past all that and realize that, deep down, we're all just white Americans."

Schukal admitted that she was initially rattled by the notion that her 11-year-old daughter Sandra could one day end up dating the Hansons' son. But upon realizing that Kevin is a well-behaved, college-bound young man from a well-to-do family, her fears vanished.

"We here in Glencoe are very open about including all different types in our community," said Fred Schukal, a dentist and Bill Hanson's new golf partner. "To be honest, it really doesn't matter to us what part of Europe you're originally from. As the Hansons' experience here shows, there's room in Glencoe for every shade of Caucasian in God's white rainbow."

Community leaders are pleased that the Hansons' arrival has been trouble-free.

"I'm both pleased and relieved to say that having this new white family in town, at least so far, hasn't caused a single problem," Glencoe police chief Wayne Girardeau said. "Glencoe can be proudly held up as a model to other suburban communities across America that would like to integrate more whites, but are afraid it wouldn't work out."