Day 482 – Teenage years in christian community !

When I was 12 I had this choice that sort of where presented to me. I had the opportunity to join in on the christian community group, in where I grew up. It was tensing choir, a youth group, and also lots of activities in the free time with playing cards or games, hide and seek games and also later fixing cars and bathing and having fun. It was lots of fun and activities all the time. Of course now today I would think of it alitel naive to participate with all the activities because of its religious ideas that are interwoven within it, and that it is where I will work with here through this blog.

It was youth groups that sings and praises Jesus and God, that arrange camps and that are active together. There was also lost of free time where we could play and sing and flirt with each other. Way back in my mind I was thinking that the church and the community where deceptive and wrong. Like from the words “Believe in God” Be – lie – with God” Lie together with God” – who ever that is, you know. I did not connect to this God – guy ever. It was all a lie.

I chose this path for myself to follow quite close for 6 or 7 year of my life. When I look back at it today I often think that what the fuck I have been brainwashed by this culture. I was not that active in the actual taking responsibilities for myself, and I did not testify like holding open prayers or shit like that. I was not that tolerant to the lie of be – lie – ve. I was not asked to do it so I was left of the hook sort of. My prayer is of self forgiveness. I suggest to start learning it. It is a great tool.

I realize that I have to work through self forgiveness on how to solve my relationship to the christian community and the youth gatherings that I participated with when I grew up.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would be justified to steal chocolate and sodas and money from the christian youth group when I grew up because of its empty promises of meeting Jesus or God within the practice of prayer and praising of religions through singing and through work, that is proven to be one big lie. Like the lie within be – lie – ve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchats within my mind, saying, “you promised me Jesus and you promised me God through the preaching and through promises that proved false and lie full” “You lied to me”, “Jesus is lies and brainwash”, and “religions are bullshit” – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself from this backchats and I would also project this backchats over at leading characters within the christian community, and by doing that taking away the responsibility from having this backchat at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself as a villain and a simple thief from when I was 13 till 17 years of age and I would judge myself from stealing candy and sodas, and money from the services and gatherings and at the houses where it all took place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the Christian traditions when I grew up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my whole youth as lie full and deceptive from the religious practice and manners that the community would offer me from religious and almost cultish mannerism and teachings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress this fear of God and fear of Jesus from thinking that “everyone is experiencing this closeness to Jesus and God except me” “what is wrong with me ” ? And I would let myself be defined by this backchats and I would project out this backchats and by doing so remove myself from the responsibility of having these backchats at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my stealing of candy and money, was nothing compares to the brainwashing that the people in the name of religion where doing to me and others, then, and that are doing to people today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would judge a, b, c, d as real evil people that where only out to hurt me and to bring me down with their words and sentences and preaching of God and Jesus love and heaven, where I would consider them as very strict and simply wrong and evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a,b,c,d,e as evil people since they would participate in the brainwashing of others and of children where I fail to realize that they are simply acting out of pre program and they cannot be blamed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would judge and criticize myself and a,b,c,d, for their roles within the church community and for me taking part within this service and this community that where brainwashing to me and to everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a,b,c,d,e, for their role as brainwashers when I grew up where I fail to realize that they were simply doing their job, and they were simply acting out from a pre – programmed reality that they were told.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and frustration over what I would call religious brainwashing and abuse of children in the name of religion and christianity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame people that where the leaders at that time, when I was 13 and 14 years old and I think of myself that I was really vulnerable at that time and I should have been taken better care of by my parents and how I would consider my parents as naive or a easy target for people to I fail to realize that they simply do as they are program into and they are simply living their pre – program and design.

When and as I see myself ending up with despair and paranoia because of how I would consider my youth and childhood would be ruined and wrong. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I feel like today that my youth was stolen from me. Much of my childhood and youth have been one long searching for Jesus and God without really finding them. And I could experience feeling deceived, and lied to. I realize that I can become sad or frustrated with people that are from my youth and I could easy blame people, that are within the society that I could start to blame and judge from their mannerism and doings. I commit myself to start to live (love) my life, like from scratch. I commit myself to further investigate how my childhood or teenage years where ruined or stolen from me. I commit myself to take back my youth and discover from start how it is like to be me, without brainwashing. Here as physical and here as breathe.

I also want to place myself in the shoes of the people that where the leaders of these christian arrangements and try to understand them.

I realize that they simply did what was natural to them in the actual moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would judge the leaders and blame them as pedophile and molesters and baby rapist within my mind where I would suppressed the lie of be – lie – vet and I would hide and fear to confront these people within society because of how I had judged them within voices and backchats within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchats within my mind saying “you freak and molester” “motherfucking monster you” and ” you are so evil you just do not know it yet” – backchats that I would let define me and I would later project out this backchat onto my parents and other authority figures like the police and by doing so removing myself form the responsibility of these backchats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would think that my judging of these people within the Christian society today is not supporting the kids that are at these centers today. I am not being any sort of support for them and I am only making it worse by suppressing the backchats and the emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the shoes of these adults that where the leaders of these camps and community services where I realize that they just do not realize what damage they do to a child, and they do not realize what effect their teachings have to young people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would think that it is naive to send young boys and girls to these sort of arrangements and services where I fail to realize that they have also be programmed exactly the same way and that they are simply acting from a pre – programmed reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my particular memory of Mr. A telling me not to use this particular word, in Norwegian, (something like: “to hell with it”) and how he would tell me very strict not to use this word at all, where I would feel intimidated and abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchats saying “You piece of shit Mr. A” “and you are evil itself Mr. A” and I would let myself be defined by this backchats and I would project out this backchats onto b and c and d, and doing so remove myself from the responsibility of having this backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for the kids that are 13, and 14, and 15 today that are going through the very same brainwashing that I was back then and I realize that no one is to blame because it is all done out of pre – program and sub – conscious design and downloaded information.

I forgive myself the leaders and the church that where the creative forces behind these arrangements within christian society when I grew up, and I forgive all the people that tried to pull me into and that still try to pull me into their be – live system and religions because they are poisoned with the lie of be – lie – ve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my particular memory of borrowing keys to some of these houses that we used back then and I would abuse this trust that I was given by other people within the religious society, where I would use this keys to steal and take money from the community and the service.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my backchats that goes “ha, ha, ha, you trusted me now you pay” and “you are so naive I can bullshit you” – backchats that I would use to indentify myself with and I would later project out this backchat onto my parents and others to remove myself from the responsibilities of having this backchat at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I witness that the people that I went to these youth gatherings that are my age that have children of theirs own today, are giving to their children the sins of the father sort o speak and that they do to their children the same that was done to them, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated and mad at them because they are fooling and serving the exact same recopies that where done to them in the first place.

When and as I see myself ending up within suppression or backchats from my experience of investigating my history, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must come clear from backchats and blaming within my mind, suppressed emotions and thoughts must be dealt with and there is always something behind it that I need to look into. I realize that I must clear out any blame or guilt or emotion or backchat that I might have within me. I commit myself to deal with my mind and its components. I commit myself to deal with my time through self forgiveness.

When and as I see myself ending up with blame or judging towards the old leaders of the church and christian community, I stop and I breathe. I realize that judging them is no good and I realize that if I blame or judge them it is only crating more fuzz and emotions in total. I realize that I must rather live the words of Jesus to give as I would like to receive and I must love my neighbor as myself. I commit myself to burry my blame and to burry my judging towards the people. I commit myself to be here as breathe and do what is best for all and so best for me.