Madonna’s Massive Poop Pile

On August 16, 2016, Madonna will turn 58 years old. This means that she has been alive for 21, 170 days. With human beings defecating an average of once per day, it is safe to assume that Madonna has pooped right around 21, 170 times in her life.

Now, according to author Laura Newcomer, on a website called Greatist.com, the average size of a human poop is one ounce for every twelve pounds of weight that a person carries. According to another website, Healthy Celeb, Madonna weighs 119 pounds. For simplicity’s sake, let’s round that up to 120. That means that Madonna has produced about ten ounces of poop per day in her adult life. Let’s calculate from her 18th birthday: that 10 ounces of poop over forty years adds up to 146, 000 ounces, which divided by 16 ounces in a pound, is 9,000 pounds of feces that have cascaded from Madonna’s ass.

But what about the first 18 years of her life? Let’s compromise and say that during that period she produced six ounces a day. 18 years is 6, 570 days: six ounces of poop per day over this period comes to 39, 420 ounces of caca, which is 2, 464 pounds.

So, if we now add the totals from her first 18 years (2, 464), with the 9,000 from the next forty years, we come to 11, 464 pounds of Madonna poop –that’s five and three quarter tons. A black rhinoceros can weigh about three thousand pounds, so Madonna’s poop pile is approximately the size of four adult black rhinos.

It is important to cross reference. The website numbertwoguide.com actually has a poop calculator in which you can type in your birthday and it will tell you how much poop you’ve made in a lifetime. According to this, Madonna has pooped even more than I have calculated: 27, 537 times! It also states that if we stacked Madonna’s poop end to end, it would reach the height of the Empire State Building….seven times! Only through the miracle of modern plumbing have we been spared the horrors of Madonna’s teetering dung heap, reeking in the hot mid-day sun.

With tour schedules, videos to film, new music to record, and the occasional public scandal, it’s hard to imagine how Madonna found time to make all of this poop, but she surely did. My guess is that she has been very, very discrete, even sneaky, about it. You rarely if ever hear of her taking an impromptu dump on the sidewalk. Her management has always been excellent and I’m sure they have played a major role in coordinating her efforts, as well as providing very practical assistance, such as guarding doors, etc.. Choreography has always been one of her strong suits.

It is hoped that this study has cleared up a lot of the questions about Madonna’s poop. We recognize that she has many fans that have been craving this information. Madonna herself has vehemently denied pooping at all, and claims that the black rhino statistic is an outrageous hoax. She has threatened legal action, thus we cannot carry our research any further.

However, if you just can’t get enough of Madonna’s crap, don’t forget that there’s always her music.