Judgmental Parent Roundtable: Minivans are Evil

Before getting married a few years back, I had only one contribution to the vows, and it was a deal-breaker: We will never own a minivan.

automibiles.honda.com

The Devil’s chariot … complete with 13 cupholders.

These hideous behemoths are symbols of everything that’s wrong with vehicle ownership — and they gave parenting a bad name more than anything, except maybe people who take crying kids to nice restaurants. Which brings us to the third Judgmental Parent Roundtable …

Our Irrefutable Opinion: These are the preferred transportation mode of the Devil, and choosing to buy one contributes to his evil plan.

Most of my argument is already contained in this column. But to recap: 1. From the moment you drive off the car lot, all minivans smell like the inside of a child’s lunch box; 2. They are extremely ugly; and 3. They contribute to the extinction of the conversion van — a vehicle so cool that it was the transportation of choice for Mr. T. Mr Freaking T!

www.txstickerco.com

Minivan + car stickers = Ned Flanders-mobile.

The only advantage I’ve heard over an SUV or conversion van — and there’s just one — is the incredible amount of cupholders that car manufacturers are placing in minivans. I think there are something like 47 in the new Chrysler Town & Country.

I’d like to add that while I consider people who buy minivans to be innocent victims of Satan’s clever deception, people who put those “The Smith Family” stickers on the backs of their cars have just plain given up. (Bonus hellfire points if your stickers include the family dog.)