Alien Robot Zombies

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Congratulations to the Clemson Tigers, winner of this year's NCAA college football National Championship game. Still, only four teams were involved and that's not enough...

Or is it? I have to admit, I only went through this silly exercise again in order to complain about how under-represented the "obviously superior" Big Ten was in the playoffs, and then the Big Ten went and shit the bed. Plus, Washington and Ohio State made it look like we don't need a playoff at all. So, whatever.

Then again, who knows what would have happened if we would have had a real, 16-team playoff. Because, no matter what happened and no matter what we tell ourselves, we didn't.

As is also my custom, I have also set up a second-tier 16-team tournament. I've included all of the conferences champions without a spot in the main tournament, as well as the next-best available teams.

Monday, January 2, 2017

At the beginning of each year, I check to see what movies are coming out and try to informally rank which ones I think will be worth seeing. My formula for success is equal parts good character development and explosions. Here is what I think about the movies scheduled for 2017:

1. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2When: May 5, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: Vol. 1 of this series was a breakout film for Marvel Studios, and a standout in their catalog. I'm really looking forward to seeing what's in store next for this band of lovable losers.

2. Star Wars: Episode VIIIWhen: December 15, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: The Force Awakens redeemed the Star Wars universe after George Lucas ran it into the ground with the prequels, and this year's Rogue One was an amazing side story. I expect this year's installment to continue the momentum. This just barely misses the top spot on my list.

3. Thor: RagnarokWhen: November 3, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: Thor has in some ways been the weakest link in the Avengers line-up for Marvel Studios, but this year's trilogy-ender looks to correct that. Not only will the God of Thunder go up against his toughest opponents yet, but he will have the Hulk beside him. Oh, and Loki will be back. This will be a fun ride.

4. Spider-Man: HomecomingWhen: July 7, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: Spider-Man was only in Captain America: Civil War for, like, 5 minutes, and already this is the best version of him ever put to screen. I can't wait to see an entire film of Tom Holland capturing the real Spider-Man -- something we have never seen. Full disclosure: I desperately wanted to be Spider-Man from age 5 to age 15. (OK, that last number is a lie; I still want to be Spider-Man.)

5. Kingsman: The Golden CircleWhen: June 16, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: If you've seen the first Kingsman movie, you know why. If not, go see it. This is a witty, fast-paced spy-vs.-spy action/adventure series. If they can match even a portion of the first film's energy, this will be worth the price of admission.

6. Valerian and the City of a Thousand PlanetsWhen: July 21, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: Luc Besson, who directed The Fifth Element among other films, is adapting this from a French comic book (see the image above) that is wall-to-wall awesome. I have high hopes.

7. Wonder WomanWhen: June 2, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because the first trailer looked solid. I hope that the final film can deliver, because Wonder Woman is long overdue to join the pantheon of superhero film gods.

8. Kong: Skull IslandWhen: March 10, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: Until I saw the trailer for this film, I was not sold on it at all. Then I saw something that looked like Apocalypse Now with a giant freaking gorilla. Back on board.

9. John Wick: Chapter TwoWhen: February 10, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: I saw the first John Wick by accident, as I'm sure most people did. And it was amazing. I'm ready to watch this guy dismantle more people.

10. Justice LeagueWhen: November 17, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: OK, DC has given me no reason to hope. Still, Ben Affleck is a great Batman and I am holding out hope that Warner Bros. can right the ship.

11. LoganWhen: March 3, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: The first Wolverine movie was awful. The second one was pretty good. This one has a good trailer and is based (very loosely) on a good story arc. Will it send High Jackman off in style? I certainly hope so.

12. War for the Planet of the ApesWhen: July 14, 2017. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because the first two films in this reboot Apes series were great for completely different reasons, and the human-vs.-ape dynamic they've established is an interesting one. I hope we get another film that is nothing like its predecessors and yet continues to move this universe forward.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

For years, I reported on the results of a mock college football playoff in protest of the fact that we didn't actually have one. Last year, I didn't, because we actually had a four-team playoff in place, however insufficient that is. This year, however, it's apparent that four teams just isn't enough, so I'm back to protesting. Here is how the college football playoffs should really look -- with a full 16 glorious teams!

I have bracketed and seeded the teams according to their final regular-season rankings, with (minimal) consideration given to tradition and geography. I also used the rule of no more than one team per conference in any given bracket.

As is also my custom, I have also set up a second-tier 16-team tournament. I've included all of the conferences champions without a spot in the main tournament (American Athletic, C-USA, Mountain West and Sun Belt), as well as the next-best available teams.

Monday, August 10, 2015

This weekend, the new Fantastic Four film self-destructed in the most glorious way possible, pulling in half of what had been predicted before damaging reviews and a flood of negative social media turned audiences against it. The film, which cost $120 million to make and needed to gross at least $200 million to break even, will now most likely fall short of that goal, topping out at only about $60 million domestic and maybe twice that overseas,

I told you so.

OK, now that I have that out of the way, let me explain...

The sad truth was that this film was doomed from the beginning. Fantastic Four is a difficult property to translate into film, and Fox didn't know what to do with it. They hemmed and hawed until the deadline for the rights to revert, then they rushed into production half-cocked. If rumors are to be believed, the film had production troubles from the beginning, with the studio and director engaged in an epic clash of wills over changes to everything from script to budget to final editing. And the result was a film that no one wanted, no one liked, and ultimately very few people paid to see.

The best chance to successfully adapt these characters to the silver screen lies with Marvel Studios. Marvel has already done the heavy lifting of establishing a light-sci-fi shared universe that would ease a lot of the need for exposition as well as automatically setting the right tone. While Marvel movies made by other studios have been hit-or-miss, Marvel Studios have a 100% success rate, finding box office gold even with such obscure characters as the Guardians of the Galaxy and Ant-Man. Audiences love the Marvel Studios brand, and the shared universe that they have established. What's more, it sets exactly the right tone for a property as goofy as the Fantastic Four: exciting action with just a touch of goofy comedy. One need look no further than the Guardians of the Galaxy to see why the Fantastic Four would thrive in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

You could even skip the origin completely (something you'd have to do now, considering that we've already had two failed attempts at that) like Marvel Studios is doing with their Spider-Man and Doctor Strange films. The shared universe allows you to pepper those details as flashbacks across multiple films. Best of all, Marvel Studios could sensibly use Fantastic Four supporting characters like Galactus, Silver Surfer, Annihilus and Super Skrull without having to first introduce the Fantastic Four heroes themselves. They would have breathing room -- the one thing Fox needed more than anything and had none of.

It would make sense for Fox to return the rights to Marvel Studios now and try to get something in return. What can Fox get, though? It won't be enough for them to offer to share the franchise a la Marvel's deal with Sony over Spider-Man. The Fantastic Four just don't have the mass appeal of Spider-Man, so there's no incentive there. Marvel Studios does have something Fox wants: the rights to make a live-action X-Men TV series to extend the one Marvel franchise that Fox has made successful.

The main question is: after poisoning the well, does Fox have anything left that Marvel Studios wants? They're pretty much guaranteed to get the Fantastic Four rights back eventually, but maybe they'd be more eager to get them now than later if Fox is willing to play ball.

Hopefully, whatever deal comes out of this, it will bring the two studios a little closer in their vision regarding their Marvel properties. Disney (which owns Marvel Studios) and Twentieth Century Fox have been combative in their dealings over most things. But I'm never going to get my Hulk vs. Wolverine crossover until the healing begins. Let it start now.

P.S. -- For the record, I did not go see the new Fantastic Four film. I'll wait for the "Network Television Premier"! In the meantime, I watched the unreleased Fantastic Four movie that Roger Corman produced in 1994. You can watch it below for free on YouTube. It is cheesy as hell and was made on a shoestring budget just to retain the film rights. However, it remains the best Fantastic Four movie made to date. Sigh.

P.P.S. -- Here is another video that goes into more detail about what went wrong with this latest Fantastic Four movie...

Sunday, August 9, 2015

In spoken conversation, a "spelling alphabet" is a useful tool for making sure that the listener understands exactly which letter is which. Did he say m or n? Did she say b or p?

In military speak, for example, the word "cat" is spelled "Charlie Alfa Tango" - each word starting with the letter it stands for.

In everyday speech, you're more likely to hear spelling alphabets used in casual ways, such as: "That's b as in Bob."

But Bob is boring. If you're going to spell something for someone, at least inject some pizzazz into it. Here, then, is the official Alien Robot Zombie spelling alphabet:

A as in AlienB as in BatmanC as in CobraD as in DieselE as in EpicF as in FootballG as in GorillaH as in HammerI as in Ice-AgeJ as in JediK as in Kung-FuL as in LaserM as in MagicN as in NinjaO as in OverlordP as in PirateQ as in QuasarR as in RobotS as in Science!T as in TyrantU as in UnicornV as in VenomW as in WerewolfX as in X-Ray VisionY as in YodaZ as in Zombie

Monday, February 16, 2015

Last year, Warner Bros. / DC and Disney / Marvel announced their slates of comic book superhero movies through 2020 and 2019, respectively, bringing joy to nerds and neo-nerds the world over as they announced films for fan favorites such as Wonder Woman, Black Panther, Aquaman and Doctor Strange. Add this to a bevy of new network (Green Arrow, S.H.I.E.L.D., Flash, Constantine, Supergirl, Teen Titans) and Netflix (Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Iron Fist, Luke Cage) programing, and this is truly a golden age for comic book geekdom.

However, even with all of this, there are still quite a few major heroes that have graced the pages of both DC and Marvel Comics who still don't have their own franchises, whether on the big screen or the small. Here are the next ten that should make the leap:

1. Namor the Sub-Mariner
Namor is Marvel's oldest hero, and he's a fascinating and complex character. Because he is a hothead who puts his Atlantean kingdom first, he as often appears as a villain as he does as a hero. DC may have beaten Marvel into the undersea realm by announcing Aquaman already, but the two characters are different enough to warrant both having franchises. Apparently Universal Studios has a stake in the film rights, which could be tying up this project. But hopefully we'll see Namor appear in some role soon, because he's too good a character to leave in limbo.

2. Hawkman and/or Hawkwoman
Hawkman and Hawkwoman have proven difficult to do on screen, because their costumes can look somewhat ridiculous. The answer, of course, is to use mo-cap suits and add the harness and wings in post-production. That will add to the special effects budget, but if done right, this will make the Thanagarians finally look as impressive as they do in the comics. And make no mistake about it, if done right, these two could be DC's equivalent of Wolverine: savage warriors with badass "Nth metal" weapons - and wings! - that they can summon at will. Their back stories have been a mess, and there are at least a dozen different versions of them, but that just means that the films will be able to tell the best story possible without being bound to all of that muddled continuity. Do it.

Update: both characters have been cast in the WB "Arrowverse" and will debut in the fall of 2015 on both Arrow and The Flash. While they could eventually get their own spin-off series, for now they are being set up to feature prominently on the Legends of Tomorrow series, which will debut in early 2016.

3. Moon Knight
Moon Knight is another "street-level" Marvel hero begging for a Netflix show. There's a little gadgetry and special effects involved here, but not so much that it should let the budget get out of hand. Importantly, though, this is not just another Batman retread. Marc Spector is a disturbed man with a tenuous grasp of sanity. A former mercenary who was beaten almost to death, he believes he was visited by the spirit of the ancient Egyptian god of vengeance, who saved him. Whether or not that is true is anyone's guess, but Spector believes he is now the avatar of vengeance, leading to a whole host of interesting plots.

4. The Doom Patrol
Think reject superheroes crossed with The Outer Limits. This series developed a cult following for DC in the 1960s. It has had various incarnations since then, but a film or series should o back to that original line-up and sense of bizarre wonder that made it stand out in the first place. In the final issue of its original run, everybody died - unheard of for a comic book series at that time. Keep that kind of on-the-edge-of-your-seat unpredictability, and this could be a very different kind of hero show.

5. Martian Manhunter
A shape-changing green Martian, the last of his kind, becomes trapped on Earth and uses his powers to blend in. His innate sense of justice leads him to become a police officer, allowing him to target criminals. Unknown to his partner, he's really the mysterious "Martian Manhunter." This well-loved DC character dates back to the 1950s and was an original founding member of the Justice League. In terms of power, J'onn J'onzz is often compared to Superman, but he has an even more glaring weakness than Kryptonite: fire. There's a lot to work with here.

6. The Runaways
A script for Marvel's Runaways has already been written and Marvel is apparently just waiting for the right time to put it into development. The premise is quite good: a group of teenagers discover that their parents are actually supervillains and decide to runaway and strike out on their own as heroes rather than continue the family business.

7. Static
Another teenager, Static originated on a creator-owned comic label and was then eventually folded into the DC universe. He is from Dakota City, where an experimental "crowd control" gas bomb accidentally mutated a bunch of people during a gang fight. Virgil Hawkins was a bystander, but was exposed and gained the power to control electricity. Afterward, he found himself in conflict with both with the numerous supervillains generated by the "Big Bang" event, and with government agents trying to track down all of the "Bang Babies" like himself.

8. Hourman
Hourman is one of DC's "Golden Age" heroes from the WWII era, and it's such a straightforward concept that it's begging to be added to CW's Arrowverse. Rex Tyler invented a drug that, when taken, gave him superhuman strength, stamina and invulnerability for a period of 60 minutes. In later years, there were darker undertones added to the story: the drug became addictive and negatively affected Tyler's health. The TV scripts practically write themselves.

9. Spider-Woman
Despite the similar names, Spider-Woman has an origin story and power set that has that has nothing to do with Spider-Man. I therefore believe that Marvel Studios owns her outright, although Sony may have a stake in her just because of the name. She is a genetically-enhanced superspy with electric "venom blasts" and over the years she has starred in her own, espionage-focused series as well as being a member of the Avengers. She was recently given a new, more reality-friendly, detective-type costume (pictured), as opposed to her traditional skin-tight bodysuit, which makes me think that Marvel is thinking ahead to bringing her to the screen.

10. She-Hulk
In Marvel Comics, Jennifer Walters is Bruce Banner's cousin and became She-Hulk after receiving a blood transfusion from him. However, unlike Banner she retained her full intelligence when she turned green. In addition to being an Avenger and a member of the Fantastic Four, she has maintained a law practice over the years. That's right, it's "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" done even better: "Sexy Green Monster Lady Lawyer." Defending superheroes and villains in court is a whole different kind of story, and so this would be a good premise for a Netflix show. After that, we could see Walters pop up elsewhere in the MCU - whether in the court room or in spandex.

Honorable Mentions: The Punisher and Ghost Rider
Technically, the Punisher has had three movies so far and Ghost Rider has had two. However, none of those has been with Marvel Studios and none has really captured the essence of the characters. Now that Marvel has the rights back to both characters, I would love to see what authentic versions of these characters could look like on the screen. While there are a lot of places they could pop up in the MCU, the brutal vigilante and the demon-possessed spirit of vengeance would both be perfect for more mature-audience series on Netflix or even a premium channel like HBO.

Update: the Punisher has been cast in the MCU and will feature prominently on the second season of Daredevil in the spring of 2016. Speculation is that he could get his own Netflix series if he is well received there.

Monday, January 19, 2015

At the beginning of each year, I check to see what movies are coming out and try to informally rank which ones I think will be worth seeing. My formula for success is equal parts good character development and explosions. Here is what I think about the movies scheduled for 2015:

1. Star Wars: The Force AwakensWhen: December 18. Why I’m looking forward to it: Because like just about everyone my age, the first time I saw the original Star Wars was the defining moment of my childhood. The original films still stand as the best trilogy ever made, and while George Lucas tried to kill the franchise with the prequels, all signs point to a glorious return to form with this seventh film.

2. Avengers: Age of UltronWhen: May 1. Why I’m looking forward to it: Because the first Avengers film was the most fun I have had at a movie theater since the original Star Wars trilogy. (See above.) Marvel Studios is firing on all cylinders right now, and I am all in. It was really hard to pick between this and Star Wars for my number one most anticipated splody film of 2015.

Note: at this point there is a huuuge drop-off in my level of anticipation...

3. Ant-ManWhen: July 17. Why I’m looking forward to it: This film had some trouble at the beginning, as it was stuck in development hell, and then the original director Edgar Wright walked out over a disagreement with changes made to the script. Also, Ant-Man is not the most well-known or film-friendly superhero. But, you know what? I don't care. As I said before, I am all in for anything Marvel Studios does. This film has a great cast (Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas, Corey Stoll, Evangeline Lilly), and the more I see of it, the more intrigued I get.

4. Mad Max: Fury RoadWhen: May 15. Why I’m looking forward to it: I loved the low-budget original Mad Max. I loved the second film, The Road Warrior, even more – it's one of the best action movies ever made. And the third movie – well, two out of three ain't bad. Tom Hardy is a phenomenal choice to replace Mel Gibson as the lead in the series, and first trailer looks magical. I think they might just pull this off, and if they do – wow.

5. SpectreWhen: November 6. Why I’m looking forward to it: Despite initial fan backlash, Daniel Craig has proven to be the best James Bond since Sean Connery. His last outing, 2012's Skyfall, was arguably the most cinematically gorgeous Bond film ever, thanks to director Sam Mendes, who returns with this year's Spectre. Most excitingly, the title of this film is a reference to the on-screen return of the secret criminal organization of the same name, which hasn't been seen officially since 1971's Diamonds Are Forever due to legal issues. After a copyright settlement in 2013, filmmakers are now free to use the evil organization again, and rumor has it that Bond's most iconic villain, SPECTRE boss Ernst Stavro Blofeld, will appear as well, played by Christopher Waltz. That would be wicked.

6. Kingsman: The Secret ServiceWhen: February 13. Why I’m looking forward to it: Early reviews from film festivals at the end of 2013 said that this comic book adaptation was like a cross between James Bond and Kick-Ass. If director Matthew Vaughn's previous films (including X-Men: First Class, Kick-Ass and Layer Cake) are anything to go by, this will be a fun ride.

7. Jurassic WorldWhen: June 12. Why I’m looking forward to it: The first Jurassic Park is a classic, the second was mindless fun, and it's a shame that the sub-par third installment cut short a franchise that seemed to still have so much potential. When this fourth film was first announced, I was initially dubious, but I have warmed to it. The casting of the ever-charming Chris Pratt as the lead was a great move, and the first trailer was very reassuring. If the filmmakers can recapture the personality, excitement and fun of this series, there might just be some life left in this franchise after all.

8. TomorrowlandWhen: May 22. Why I’m looking forward to it: In his first live-action directorial effort, Brad Bird took a mediocre action franchise (Mission: Impossible) and churned out one of the best splody films of 2011. Tomorrowland is an even more ambitious project, an off-kilter sci-fi mystery on a potentially epic scale. But as the director of such animated fare as The Iron Giant, The Incredibles and Ratatouille, Bird is no stranger to ambitious projects or world-building. Rumor has it that Bird was so excited about this project that he turned down the opportunity to direct a Star Wars movie in order to do it. Hopefully, his enthusiasm pays off in the end. (This film also co-stars George Clooney, who has quietly been doing some absolutely incredible work in recent years.)

9. ChappieWhen: March 6. Why I’m looking forward to it: Geek favorites Hugh Jackman and Sigourney Weaver star in a movie about a robot by District 9 director Neill Bomkamp. Honestly, that's all I know about this film except that it's getting great buzz. But really – read that first sentence again. Do you need any more information to be excited about this one?

10. Terminator: GenisysWhen: July 1. Why I’m looking forward to it: My first reaction: "Oh no, not another Terminator movie. Just let this franchise die already. The first two were good and everything after that is diminishing returns." My reaction after seeing the first trailer and realizing just how batshit insane they decided to get in order to fix this franchise: "Oh... uh... that might just work. Wait, is that Daenerys Targaryen?! OK, I'm all in."

11. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2When: November 20. Why I’m looking forward to it: This is the finale to a series I never wanted to like in the first place, but I just couldn't help myself, because Jennifer Lawrence. The first three installments were good, so basically all they have to do now is not screw it up.

12. The Hateful EightWhen: November 13 December 25. Why I’m looking forward to it: I really wanted to believe westerns were a dead genre. Unforgiven was the exception that proved the rule, said I. Then Quentin Tarantino went and made Django Unchained, and now I have no choice but to admit that westerns are alive and well. Tarantino has said his latest western is unrelated to Django, and I have no other frame of reference for it, but I don't think we need one at this point. Tarantino has found his groove again making these period pieces, and we should all just be thankful and sit back and enjoy.

Finally, here is a full schedule of sci-fi-ish and splody-looking movies that just might prove worthwhile in 2015 (my initial selections in bold)...

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Congratulations to the Ohio State Buckeyes, winner of last night's National Championship game and holder of this year's NCAA football crown. For the first time in history, an actual playoff determined the champion. (Thanks, Obama!)

Still, only four teams were involved and that's not enough. After all, if the 4th-seeded team did this well, imagine what the 8th, 12th or 16th-seeded team could have done!

So, as I have done for the past four years, I'd like to imagine a world in which we had been treated to a month of playoff-level excitement. A world where we had gotten to see 16 of the season's top-ranked college football teams battle for the ultimate, indisputable title.

Here is what it might have looked like. I have bracketed and seeded the teams according to their final regular-season rankings. I also used the rule of no more than one team per conference in any given bracket.

1st seed Alabama (12-1, SEC) vs. 4th seed Arizona State (9-3, Pac-12) -- winner: Alabama. Although Alabama lost its bowl and Arizona State won, you have to factor in the level of the competition. 'Bama played good enough to win this game.

2nd seed Michigan State (10-2, Big Ten) vs. 3rd seed Georgia Tech (10-3, ACC) -- winner: Michigan State. Here again, we have two teams that had excellent bowl game efforts, but I have to believe the victory would go to the Spartans, who showed real heart on New Year's Day.

Peach Bowl: Michigan State over Alabama. New Year's Day went to the Big Ten this year, and so does this game.

As I did the past two years, I have also set up a second-tier 16-team tournament. I've included all of the conferences champions without a spot in the main tournament (American Athletic, C-USA, MAC, Mountain West and Sun Belt), as well as the next-best available teams according to the polls.

Monday, January 5, 2015

At the beginning of each year, I make a list of what I think will be that year’s best movies. My formula for success: equal parts good character development and explosions. Now that 2014 is over, here is my analysis of how my predictions for 2014 went.

1. Captain America: The Winter SoldierResult: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 89%). This was the best splody film of the year, and maybe Marvel Studios’ best to date. A perfect blend of 1970s spy-thriller, 1980s action-hero romp, and over-the-top summer blockbuster, this movie had it all. Chris Evans remains perfectly cast as Steve Rogers, and directors Joe and Anthony Russo brought a visceral edge to the action that kept audiences on the edge of their seats. The supporting cast was also top-notch. (One of the best scenes belonged solely to Sam Jackson as Nick Fury.) Every moment of this movie was crammed full of wonderful moments and Easter eggs for Marvel fans, and it is a testament to the skill of the storytelling that the more ridiculous plot elements feel organic. This is where the strength of Marvel’s shared universe begins to shine—small elements that were set up in Cap’s previous film and those of his fellow Avengers pay off here. You don’t have to have seen those films to appreciate this movie, but having seen them enriches the experience. Everyone knows about the famous elevator scene, but two other scenes in particular stood out to me. First, his one-man stealth assault in his first mission in the film is fast-paced and unforgiving, finally showing us what Captain America is capable of when firing on all cylinders. Second, his chase scene with the Winter Soldier is so kinetic I think it knocked the wind out of me as I watched it. Cap is so intense as he pursues his mark that he runs right through walls or leaves huge dents in them as he careens around them. The payoff of that scene is shocking and amazing—just like this film overall.

2. GodzillaResult: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 73%). This was the first American adaptation of Godzilla, so I was not sure what to expect. (OK, I realize there was a 1998 American film called Godzilla, but let’s be realistic, shall we? That was a Matthew Broderick comedy about a giant iguana, not a Godzilla movie. In Japan, they claimed the iguana creature was a different monster—and then Godzilla killed it. I rest my case.) I need not have worried. Director Gareth Edwards didn’t do the best job with the so-so human drama in this film, but human drama is always filler in a kaiju film. The monster drama, on the other hand, built up steadily to a glorious payoff in the film’s final act. I and the rest of the theater cheered loudly.

3. Guardians of the GalaxyResult: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 90%). A lot of people predicted this would be Marvel Studios’ first cinematic failure. Instead, it became a runaway success and the highest-grossing comic book movie of the year. (Suck it, a lot of people.) It would be wrong to call this a superhero film, as it was more of a Star Wars type space adventure story. And it was Marvel’s most comedic effort to date. Those elements certainly scored points with mass audiences, and I’m sure that the pure on-screen charm of leading man Chris Pratt (“Star-Lord”) and his talking tree (“Groot”) and raccoon (“Rocket”) sidekicks didn’t hurt. Marvel struck gold with this franchise, and the consensus now is that they could turn Howard the Duck into a billion-dollar franchise if they wanted to.

4. The Amazing Spider-Man 2Result: EPIC FAIL (Tomatometer 53%). I almost feel bad for kicking Sony when they’re down, but the simple fact of the matter is that Sony needs some tough love when it comes to Spider-Man. They have the world’s most popular superhero in their film stable, and they consistently lose money on him. And deservedly so. TASM2 was a mess. Thanks to the Sony Hack, we now know that the entire point of the movie was to kill off Gwen Stacey, something Marvel Studios recommended against doing so soon, since she was a popular character, and a move which turned out to alienate a lot of viewers. The rest of the plot was shoehorned in, in random pieces, to fit a variety of conflicting studio directives, the most ridiculous of which was to sow seeds for an entire cinematic universe—that has now been scrapped because of how disjointed and awful this film was. The sad thing is that there were elements of a good story here, but Sony didn’t know what they had and refused to listen to any of Marvel Studios’ notes to improve the product. Sony and Marvel are supposedly in talks now on a deal that would allow Marvel to reclaim creative control while splitting the costs and profits of these films with Sony. Whatever Marvel asks for, Sony, take the deal. The first step is admitting you have a problem! What should have been on my list: Live Die Repeat: Edge of Tomorrow. (Tomatometer 90%). Who would have thought that Tom Cruise had another sci-fi hit left in him? Apparently no one thought that, but he did, and this sleeper got great reviews, although it barely made a dent at the box office due to poor marketing.

5. X-Men: Days of Future PastResult: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 92%). Fox remains a step behind Marvel Studios in crafting a compelling and audience-friendly superhero world. But only a step. This film successfully performed a soft reboot on the franchise by using time travel to hit the reset button on the less popular films in the franchise (X-Men: The Last Standand at least part of X-Men Origins: Wolverine), thereby erasing past sins and opening the X-Men universe to tons of new storytelling possibilities. Plus, it was a great film in and of itself, ranking alongside X-Men: First Class, X2: X-Men United and The Wolverineas one of the best in the series.

6. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five ArmiesResult: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 60%). I haven’t seen this yet (although I plan to this week), but I have it on authority that it is a fitting end to the trilogy and perhaps the best of the three. And while it should be noted that The Hobbit was bloated, overly reliant on digital effects, and nowhere near as good as the original Lord of the Rings trilogy, it was nevertheless pure delight to return to Middle Earth.

7. Big Hero 6Result: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 89%). Disney made good on their promise to translate this Marvel Comics property into an animated feature, giving us the best family-oriented superhero film since The Incredibles. (Given that Disney own both properties, I wonder if we could see a cross-over in the future…?)

8. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1Result: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 66%). With the Hunger Games, the books get weaker as the series progresses, but the films have gotten better in relation to the books. I think the film makers have a better handle on this world they have created than the author did. Still, it is strange that they turned the final—and shortest—book into a two-parter. I haven’t seen this one either, and probably won’t until Part 2 comes out. But from what I hear, it’s fine. Just the captivating presence of Jennifer Lawrence is enough to keep me going on this series.

9. Dawn of the Planet of the ApesResult: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 91%). The original Planet of the Apes in 1968 was cheesy—but delicious. All attempts to expand the franchise, however, were miserable failures until Rise of the Planet of the Apes completely redefined it in 2011. So I wondered if Dawn would follow in its predecessor’s success or sink back into miserable failure. With a new director and almost a completely new cast, I suspected the latter, but this film delivered in spades. The POTA franchise is alive and well, and I cannot wait for the next installment. Long live Caesar! Long live the Apes!

10. InterstellarResult: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 73%). Can Christopher Nolan do any wrong? That has yet to be proven. His first outing in pure sci-fi gives us yet another gorgeous example of his skill with cinematography, and the acting and storytelling are also compelling. It’s not his best work, but it is delightful, as always. One thing to note: Nolan was intent on using practical effects and avoiding green screens wherever possible—so much so that rather than adding the stars of space in post-production, he projected them onto the background of the actual soundstage, so the actors would feel that they were in space as they did their scenes.

11. Jupiter AscendingResult: INCOMPLETE (Tomatometer n/a). This movie was delayed to February 6, 2015. Out of pure coincidence, the planet Jupiter is at opposition (its closest approach to Earth) on that date. What should have been on my list: Snowpiercer(Tomatometer 95%). This film was actually released in 2013—everywhere but in the United States. Here, distribution rights disputes caused its delay and it opened in extremely limited release. A major success elsewhere, you should see it if you like dystopian sci-fi. Starring Chris Evans (Captain America) as a passenger aboard a post-apocalyptic train, it tells a riveting, intense and highly original story.

12. RoboCopResult: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 48%). This film actually received a lot of hate from both critics and fans alike, but I loved it. I think the important thing to remember as you’re watching it is that it is not a remake of the 1987 classic by the same name. Actually, that would have been a disaster, because the 1987 RoboCop is one of the universe’s most perfect films and does not need to be remade. Instead, renowned Brazilian director José Padilha, in his first English-language film, takes the underlying RoboCop concept and crafts an entirely new story around it. And it is a great story. Instead of being rooted in 1980s paranoia, the new tale expands upon modern-day concerns and does it well. It’s not a perfect film, but there is a lot to love here. A lot of detail was put into every scene. For example, there is a fight in the dark where the two different sides are using two different kinds of night vision, and the effect is amazing. What’s more, unlike the original, this one exists in a more realistic and fully-realized world, perfect to explore in more detail in future installments. And I hope we do get sequels to this.

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Bonus Wins: I was pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable the kid-oriented The Lego Movie (Tomatometer 96%) was, and I look forward to future installments for this franchise. Meanwhile, Gone Girl (Tomatometer 88%) was a magnificent thriller from director David Fincher and removed all doubt that Ben Affleck has the acting chops to be the new Batman.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Every once in a while, I tweet something that stands on its own. Sometimes it's poetic, sometimes silly and sometimes just a little observation that has a kernel of wisdom in it. Here are some of those tweets.

Genius isn't having all the answers. Genius is knowing what questions to ask in the first place.What kind of mileage does a Transformer get?Theory: all video game plots take place in a parallel universe of lobotomized clones.Don't look now, but there's a ninja on your lap...This Mickey Mouse cartoon about a trip to the moon is really doing a piss-poor job of teaching my 2-year-old about astrophysics. Don't upset the apple cart as it plunges over the cliff.My wife and my boss just joined Twitter. Welcome aboard! And remember this advice: if you can't express something in 140 characters or less,You call it ADD. I call it accelerated mental task switching.No one has killed me yet. Therefore I cannot be killed. #logicWas asked by a ~10 year old boy this morning: "Can zombies swim?" My answer: "No, but the fresh ones float."I'm pretty sure the reason my two-year-old cries and screams so much is because he hasn't yet learned how to swear properly.Million-dollar idea: a watch you wear on your finger like a ring, instead of on your wrist like a bracelet.It is my strong desire to see Breaking Bad resume 15-20 years from now with Holly White picking up where her father left off.My ideal bromance: get drunk and discuss the cinematography of car chase scenes.Happy July! I moved my snow scraper from my back seat to the trunk today. #MichiganAthcab stromatolites halibut bitches.I just time traveled. I oscillated back and forth between "here" and a memory. "Here" won, as it always does, but that was fun.How to watch sci-fi movies: pretend they were all made in the 1950s on a shoestring budget and be amazed.My son just said to me: "One time I farted so hard, I cried." #proudpapaDefinition of old age: singing along to a song you've always hated just because you finally found something on the radio you recognize.Definition of old age: singing along to a song you've always hated just because you finally found something on the radio you recognize.Does anyone else think that dried flowers are creepy? They should call them "mummy flowers."I'm practically blind without my glasses. Then again, maybe that's what the world really looks like, and "clarity" is just an illusion.Show me something that doesn't go with bacon and I'll show you something that isn't worth eating in the first place.I just hope when A.I. takes over the world, it will at least humor us enough to create bad-ass robots with which to subjugate us.Scrambles eggs are eggs for people who don't appreciate eggs.There are two kinds of people in this world: assholes and me.

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This site is nothing more than a place for me to capture all of the random, frequently goofy thoughts that pass through my brain. The content is meant almost entirely tongue in cheek. Any references to persons, aliens or robots, whether alive, dead, undead or imaginary is intended only in the spirit of parody and a cheap laugh.

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