Yoga Leads to Satanic Possession, According to Evangelicals

Guys, before that next trip to the gym, when you may casually..er…observe a yoga class, think twice. Apparently, you risk damning your eternal soul to the fires of Hell. At least that is the case according to a number of prominent evangelicals on the far right, like Virginia’s Lt. Gubernatorial Candidate. E. W. Jackson, who suggests in his book that the mental emptying of yoga to relax and get a better stretch is really the best way for Satan to come and take over your mind, or something. I don’t really understand his position, mostly because it’s fucking crazy. Apparently the conclusion amounts to “yoga opens you up to demonic possession.” Now, I’ve dated girls before and after they started doing yoga, and I’m pretty sure there’s no demonic possession involved, unless of course you count adventurous new sex positions as evidence of that, though none of them ever rotated their head 180 degrees and then blew me, which is disappointing.

The thing is, this isn’t just one crazy candidate saying crazy things, which we all know is pretty common in politics. Nope. This is apparently something that a majority of evangelical groups state, because yoga has its roots in Buddhism and the pursuit of Nirvana. Now, I don’t know what a portly ancient prophet and Kurt Cobain have to do with girls stretching in yoga pants getting taken over by Satan, but I can only assume this is mostly the extreme religious right killing the fun…again. Come on guys, let us have just this one thing without you ruining it.

For my part, if yoga is such an evil thing that simply participating in it risks damning your immortal soul to Hell, then fuck it, I’m reserving my ticket for that plane early. If only girls that don’t do yoga are going to Heaven, I’m pretty sure Heaven is going to be down a good chunk of the American sorority population, and there’s no way I’m condemning myself to an eternity without them. Sure, it’s hot year round and I hear it has some major bug and vermin problems, but at least it’s away from people like E.W. Jackson and the other evangelicals. I know I don’t want to spend eternity with them. Besides, I’ve always wanted to work for Nick Saban.

Ladies, if the idea that your immortal soul could be in danger because of how you exercise is somehow scaring you, there is apparently a Christian alternative called PraiseMoves. It’s terrible, and at the very least far more dangerous to your social life.

Literally fuck these crazy assholes in our party, people being this fucking stupid and being able to openly speak is the reason we can’t beat an unqualified, possibly kenyan, inexperienced socialist to run the free world.