Tuesday, November 15, 2011

EXTRA EXTRA Original title: Random List of Stuff about Me.

1. I'm 20 years old.

2. I have no boyfriend (or girlfriend, to pre-empt), I do have an imaginary (friend?) lover who I refer to as My Jealous Mistress, who is my creative literary muse. I have an amorphous relationship with her, it is perhaps amorous where I simultaneously adore and hate her. She is faithful to me, but jealous, and will not love me unless I am devoted to her.

3. As far as I know, I am straight. But since I am easily influenced by others, and classic literature denotes Muse as a woman, my Muse is a woman.

4. I am increasingly undergoing mental sparagmos as I age and mature. I am unsure whether this is like other people, or unlike other people (i.e. the general population) although I feel, as I am writing this, it is unlike others. Granted, my condition is not constant, i.e. I am focused at times. Usually after I talk to my mom.

5. I like talking to my mom. Generally speaking.

6. I love my parents. Not really sure about my brother. I am not even sure if he is legally sane (i.e. if he is insane, then I can't judge him by "normal standards") and sometimes I imagine to be this mental dysfunct. It makes my skin crawl and I want to protect my parents and me from him. This is not out of normal sibling rivalry, although I can't deny or admit to it being a possible factor to my feeling towards him.

7. I am introverted. I.e. I prefer thinking by myself. It is not that I am necessarily a private person (for example, I wouldn't mind anyone commenting on this post) but I just wouldn't promote it (LOOK HERE enter friend's name AT WHAT I WROTE). Although most of the time I think I would love to share my stories. But I feel I hate it when people impose on me their stories, so I shall not to the same, unless asked.

8. I am learning how to be a Good Person. It sounds easy, but it's really hard. Last week I defended the integrity of a sport against an acquaintance. It felt good, since usually I would just keep quiet and think the person was a bigot.

9. I think the world is deeply superficial. (You make think it's common sense, but some people don't... I think.) I think there is an ideal I would like to be, physically and mentally... but I wonder whether the Ideal would be Me, if I were to consciously emulate it. Is growth by emulation natural if it's done consciously? Why is natural growth important? (Because conscious ingenuity to oneself is like an eyesore, like a neon, pornographic picture in the peripheral vision of a Titian painting... and I cannot accept it. Nor, I think, can a lot of people.)

10. I think sometimes my insistent cling to genuineness is a defence of my low position on the superficiality scale. I think this is the way it is perceived by some people too (although of course, not everyone, thankfully. But how much of the general population, I am not sure.) But I also think parts of my genuineness is genuine. But how big of a slice that is, I am not sure.

11. I think showing genuine thought is dangerous. I feel like it'd scare away many people. I also think discussion about such solemn (if I may call it that) topics is depressing, which is why I prefer not to dwell on them, because I do not want to be depressed (generally, although sometimes it's like good wine. For example, I don't mind a little nostalgia once in a while). Also because there is the superficial reason that I know I do not want to be associated as a "depression-bringer."

12. Did I just refer to superficiality as basic human interaction skill? I suppose, however, that is what ultimately superficiality is based from. The construction of your persona which interacts with other people.

13. This was fun, but I have class now. Maybe I'll post this up on Facebook (what does that say about what I just said? Really...)