May 20, 2011

Turd is the Word

This is probably one of my stories that was in the Top 5 most difficult to reveal - or even to actually have it physically written down since I began writing this blog. I'll never forget this, ah-hem, event, but that doesn't mean that it's a good thing.

-------------------------------

I had a relationship with a guy when I was 17 that was more comfortable rather than passionate... more like 2 best mates that also had sex, a lot. We would try different things and often discuss it afterwards; what we could differently or try in the next round.

He had exceptionally boney hips, and it got to the point where my inner thighs were so bruised from sex that it hurt to walk. The suggestion of having more missionary sex at that point made me cringe at the sheer thought of pounding against those aching wounds. We switched to doggie-style for the next few days and then the inevitable question was proposed.

“Wanna try...you know...up the arse?”
“Well, OK, but we’re going to have to use lots of lube, and go REALLY slow and be gentle!”

I should also add that his older brother’s nickname was ‘Horse’ and that similar genetic features were strong in his family, which didn’t appease my fears with what was about to happen. We got the lubricant out and even though he was very gentle, after about 3 thrusts in about 5 seconds, THAT WAS ENOUGH!

GET IT OUT! OWWWW-EEEEE!

So, take the sensation of the most painful shit you’ve ever had, and then double it. I had gathered a lot of people enjoy that feeling, but it wasn’t for me. Don't get me wrong - I do enjoy a good shit, but that's because it's coming OUT of me in an entirely non-sexually euphoric kind-of-way. Apparently, there is a G-spot somewhere up there too. Umm, yeah. I will gladly be leaving mine up there, alone and undiscovered.

Also? My boyfriend was uncircumcised.

As he was cleaning the lubricant off himself, he discovered a tiny chunk of turd under his foreskin. He jumped up like he was on fucking fire and proceeded to run around the house naked whilst squealing like a terrified little girl - very loudly. I was mortified, since it was, in fact, my turd, but I surprisingly dealt with it by laughing hysterically at the utter spectacle that he was making of himself. In hindsight, I don’t see why he was so shocked, considering where his dick had just been.

oh my gosh, this is just one of the many reasons i don't do IT in THAT place! it's not possible for it to feel sexy to me if i know there's poo involved. i would have laughed hysterically while breaking out in hives.

agh! oh that definitely ranks as one of the most awkward and funny sexual situations in history. As for his horror, like you said, what did he expect? Don't stand so close to the fire if you don't want to get burned buddy. haha

Thank you for saying how it really is. I know women that say how it is not such big deal . Uh, yeah it is a big deal. I don't find anything sexual about someone sticking their dick up my pooper. The hubs jokes about ramming it up my ass all of the time but he agrees that it is not something that either of us would enjoy.

And really, how can you not expect to get a little poop on your dick when you are shoving it into someone's pooper. Come on!