Monday, June 30, 2014

Cycling: An Affront to Decent, Hard-Working People

You receive lots of press releases when you're a world-renowned bike blogger and internationally published author.

You also receive a lot of press releases when you're an obscure bike blogger and noted douchebag, which explains why I get them.

Here's a press release I recently received, and it features a headline containing almost no words that get me excited:

LOCAL BIKE SHOP WINS FIXED GEAR CYCLING COMPETITION ON WORLD’S SMALLEST VELODROME
"Fixed gear cycling..." "competition..." "velodrome..." These are the words that strike sleep in the hearts of me. When I read a headline like that, it feels like I'm staring at this:

(I fall asleep for 40 minutes every single time I see the above image of a Retro-Fred wagging his heel admonishingly, but thanks to the miracle of pre-recorded blogs you'd never know that.)

And of all the soporific words in that headline, it's "velodrome" that really lays me out. Remember during the heyday of the fixie craze when people had to pretend to be interested in track racing? That was terrible! Fortunately that's all over now, and we've all returned to our default mode of not giving a fuck:

Anyway, so what happened at the "World's Smallest Velodrome?" Well, this:Brooklyn, New York (June 27, 2014) – Hundreds of New Yorkers packed in the Brooklyn Masonic Temple tonight to see 100 of the top fixed gear cyclists rip on the world’s steepest and smallest velodrome for the return of Red Bull Mini Drome. For the second year in a row, 100 passionate fixed gear racers signed up to race in 10-lap heats around steep wooden banks, resembling a mini Olympic cycling track, in the center of one of Brooklyn’s oldest temples.

(Really, the "top fixed gear cyclists" were at the event? So all the various UCI World Champions competed? Yeah, I didn't think so.)

Wow.

I can't believe I missed it.

It's like I always say: energy drink marketing is the single greatest thing that's ever happened to cycling.*

On Thursday, a group of cyclists taking part in the annual ‘CrowBomb’ event headed down Crowchild Trail during rush hour. Though they mostly stuck to the far right lane, at some points the group of eight riders were seen weaving in and out of traffic.

Oh my god!!! Occasional weaving!?! So what happened? Well, occasionally the riders went near cars:

Which made this police officer livid--or at least its Canadian equivalent, which is mildly perturbed:

“First of all it’s illegal, let’s make that perfectly clear,” says Sgt. Mike ter Kuile from the Calgary Police Service. “Crazy, I think not only crazy, but irresponsible.”

Oh, please. They're riding bikes briskly. "Crazy" and "irresponsible" is what you have going on about 3,500km to the east there, Dudley Douche-Right:

("Well, we eat apples to symbolize a sweet New Year, but if you prefer to substitute crack I don't see a problem with that Talmudically speaking.")

By the way, I had to use G--gle Maps to figure out how far Calgary was from Toronto and this is what I found:

Come on, you people can't even drive from one of your cities to another without going through our country?!? No wonder our infrastructure's in such a state! You and your tire chains are making poutine of our road surfaces!**

**[Disclaimer: I am being sarcastic, and I pray to Jesus Christ nightly for Canada to annex all the US states that border it, New York included.]

Anyway, Calgary is ready to crack down hard on these lunatic scofflaws, though by "crack down hard" I really mean the nearest Canadian equivalent, which is giving them "stunting tickets:"

(They're stunting!)

Canada is generally a more enlightened society than the United States, but one unfortunate thing we both have in common is that the mere act of riding a bicycle on a public road is considered a stunt--though check out this guy:

Move over, Martyn Ashton! Now that's stunting!

Next, they interview drivers, and this one says the ride is "nuts!"

(Wait, are they just showing him the video? Did he not even encounter the cyclists in real life?)

Incidentally, he says the same thing to his wive when she says she's thinking about having a second glass of wine, or that "Maybe you should wear the yellow golf shirt today instead of the red one."

Nuts, I tell you!

Not to be outdone, this driver says it's "crazy!"

(Holy shit, yeah, they're just showing them the video on a phone! This proves that Canadian "journalists" are even lazier than their counterparts south of the border.)

You know what's crazy? Your uncanny resemblance to a popular 1980s wrestling personality:

("Captain" Lou was in fact never a commissioned officer in the armed forces.)

Invariably, whenever it comes to covering maniac cyclists terrorizing the streets, journalists always manage to find at least one "Uncle Fred" willing to throw his fellow velocipedists under the autobus:

“That was completely over the top behaviour,” said Gary Beaton, president of the Tour de Nuit Society. “The majority of cyclists follow the rules of the road and are highly aware of their surroundings.”

Oh, save it. Just once I'd love to hear one of these advocate types say something like, "You know what? Sure, that ride looks kinda stupid, but maybe use a torque wrench on your sphincter because yours is seriously overtightened. They're just bikes."

Finally, we get to meet the twisted mastermind of the ride--who, contrary to the story, is in fact so safety conscious he's wearing a helment during the interview:

“Traffic is stopped. Another car might bang into another one, that’s not going to hurt us.”

He was subsequently sentenced to life imprisonment for gloating over damage to a motor vehicle.

Speaking to the Independent, Indurain said “It’s going to be a good fight. He [Contador] has been much more consistent this year, more focused. Both are in great shape. But let’s not forget the other rivals; if Contador and Froome get too obsessed with beating each other, another rider could surprise both of them.”

"The competitors will be riding bicycles again this year," added Indurain with his usual insight. "Climbing will be a factor, especially in the mountains."

They say Indurain sits in front of the phone for a full three weeks before Tour time, waiting for it to ring while staring at an index card with the favorites' names on it and getting a massage from his brother, Joe Pesci:

All five French teams have confirmed lineups for the upcoming Tour de France, with a heavy focus on national riders and a hunt for stage wins.It’s been a long time since a Frenchman has won the Tour — Bernard Hinault was the last in 1985 — and it looks very unlikely a Frenchman will win again this year. A top-10 is something to cheer for these days in the French peloton.

Lastly, if you're the "curvy girl" who visited a bike shop recently, some creepy Fred wants to ride behind you while sporting a boner:

To the curvy girl at strictly bikes on a cannondale - m4w - 40age : 40I overheard you say you liked my kit- I had noticed you right away I saw you at strictly with the pinkish top and I loved your curves. I them saw you again at the bridge and riverside...I wish I had been bold and walked up to you.If you are interested in riding with a funny, good looking bike boy- who you make horny(you looked gorgeous)- email me and tell me what my kit looked like: would love to meet and at least have the opportunity to introduce myself.I hope you had a great ride.

He wants her to tell him what his kit looked like? Let me guess: it was either full Rapha straining against his increasing girth, or else the very latest in Cat 4 CRCA sub-team chic.

On yesterday's Fred ride a guy was pulled over by the cops for being too far out in the lane. The cop then insisted we should be riding on the other side of the road, towards the oncoming traffic. Was he that stupid or did he want us to get hit?

I've gotta admit, those crow bombing stuntsters rile me up. If I was a Canadian, I'd be looking for a ditch to politely direct them towards and ask them if they wouldn't mind entering said ditch on their bicycles for a little while, eh?

Hey McFly, glad to here you welded the kids trampoline back together. I on the other hand spent the best part of the day counting wallaby shit, seriously. Meanwhile my boys first fix-er-up bike sits in pieces on the garage floor. Actually, it's an old scooter my Grandpa repaired years ago for my brothers, as if we were still living in the great depression or something. It's nice to keep my grandpa's love for fixing things alive though.

There is something so familiar about the Dog's comments.Consider this exchange yesterday with Ms Phred, a friend, and me. Friend: at least you had good care for your recent recoveryMe: That would have been niceMs Phred: I don't do whiners.

You know what else, if you don't say it's NUTS, you're not getting on TV. I've been interviewed for syringe-in-the-Coke-can scares and e-coli outbreaks, and both times I said something boring & sensible to the effect of, now that everybody knows about it and the barn door has been firmly slammed shut, you are probably safer than ever. Not panicky & sensationalist enough apparently, because each reporter gave me a blank and disappointed look, and I didn't get on the news!

Some of youse from the yarmulke of the Americas can please esplain if it really is illegal, or is it the usual illegal how dare they ride in a lane for vehicles despite the fact they are recognized as a vehicle in the law.

Sorry anon @ 3:14, there is no bike lane on Crowchild. What you see is an HOV lane marker, for buses and such.

For those unfamiliar with the pickup truck capital of Canada, otherwise known as Calgary, Crowchild Tr. is the six lane hyperfreeway that doubles as a parking lot for a couple of hours every workday. Definitely not a bike route.

It's a play on words to lead you to believe it's a UCI event. Most elite track cyclists probably wouldn't refer to themselves with the words fixed gear cyclists . Top fixed gear cyclists is code for fakengers.

Having said that. I did attend a Red Bull Mini Drome event once. I was the oldentard with no fashion sense. Still, it gave me a strange urge to start writing a blog.

Buffalo Bill, In Vancouver, some of our bus lanes double as bike lanes, because, you know, having a bus bearing down on you is a very comforting experience. Can't understand why hardly anyone rides on them.

Your better bring your SnobBombing A-game today, the beginning of the second half of the year and the inevitable slide into the icy grip of winter and snow melt crap all over our windshields and running out of windshield washer fluid.....

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!