I have come to an understanding that whatever I write here doesnt’ have to be factually or even philosophically correct — It just needs to reflect what I am feeling. And I think that is something I need to remind myself every time I feel like I should stop writing.

The combination of anxiety and writing is incredibly toxic. You end up questioning every word and every letter you type. There are times when I am staring at a single comma for half an hour because I am not sure whether I should remove it or keep it.

When I read some of my old posts on this website, I can’t help but feel jealous of my younger self. I was so much bolder in my writing. I wrote anything and everything with utter honesty — And it reflected in my work.

But I had a good reason to be bold — Writing was an escape for me then and not a lot of people even read what I was writing.

Now, things are pretty different. I write for a living and I get paid for it. While I don’t make any money out of this website, a lot of people I personally know read this blog, which deeply triggers my anxiety. I am a heavily guarded person and the idea that anyone who knows me can know exactly what I am going through by reading this website makes me feel scared and vulnerable.

That is why, I often read every post in my Drafts folder a million times to make sure its not too personal to be published on the world wide web. I know it takes a toll on my writing and some of my best pieces do not see the light of day, but I am willing to pay that price for my sanity.

As a direct result, in the last few years, I became a different writer altogether and I think it took me a lot of time to accept that.

I had to remind myself that change isn’t always bad. I will always be evolving and I have to find a way to embrace my new self. The person I am today, will only last for today.

Tomorrow, I might be a different person altogether. Tomorrow, I might end up believing in things I don’t believe in today — And that’s absolutely okay.

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Quarter life crisis hit pretty hard. There were some goals I set for myself and I was supposed to reach those goals in with two years.

But, I ended up achieving all of those goals in a year. I was at the finish line and yet, I felt more lost than I was at the starting line. I had worked 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, just to achieve those goals, and yet, I wasn’t happy, content, or satisfied.

What now? — was a question that kept bothering me everyday. I had become so obsessed with the journey that the final destination didn’t even matter anymore.

I knew I had to slow down, find a balance in life, and may be think about spending a little bit of the money I had made.

The thing about life is, we all want that upward trajectory and climb the hill to get to that comfortable plateau. But when we actually get to that plateau, we don’t feel like we deserve that comfortable stage — We want to keep hustling and climbing upwards.

The past year has been about me finding a way to be comfortable with plateaus and accepting that plateaus are just as necessary for long-term growth. If you keep hustling and working 14 hours day, you will burn out eventually and start hating the work you loved so much.

Plateaus don’t mean you are stuck at a place, it means you are going forward at a steady pace. A pace which lets you have the work-life balance you deserve. It means you are able to work 6-7 hours on the weekdays, have a long breakfast, cook your own dinner, go for a run, and most importantly, you don’t feel rushed. You are in control, more than ever.

So, till the time I find my next big goal, I’m going to find a way to be comfortable with the steady pace that I’m in right now.

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Never realised that the biggest war I’d have to fight is the one within myself.

So, I have closed myself up in one bedroom duplex apartment and as I look at the outside world moving along, I’m trying to fight the war inside of me with everything that I have got.

Instead of taking a hammer and bringing the walls down, I have decided to make the walls higher and deeper so that I can contain all the damage within myself.

Will it work? Probably not.

Will I stop trying? Probably not.

Somewhere I am still hoping for the room to spin on its axis and take me to an alternate reality where this war never existed in the first place. But, the truth is, I can’t run away from this war anymore. I could close my eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist, but it would still be waiting for me when I open my eyes.

I have realised that the only way I will get out of this war alive is by loving myself. I need to take a few steps backwards and slow down to look at the problem from a distance and realise what I have been doing wrong all this time.

Now that I’m not running from the inevitable war anymore, I’m not scared of it either. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I know that I won’t be the same person I am right now when this war of my life is over.

So, I am going to wait for the final showdown and I am well-prepared this time. If fear hasn’t killed me yet, then nothing will. While I don’t know if I can win, I have no option but to fight.

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Grief is a peculiar feeling, unlike anything else in the world. It can take years for you to even confront it, and decades to finally accept it. But you may never be able to completely get over it.

Why? Because it never leaves. Its always there — in your conscious or your subconscious. Reminding you of the loss that you had no choice in. Reminding you how your life took a sharp turn and you couldn’t do anything about it.

More than anything, grief engulfs you in this feeling of helplessness — What if things would have turned out differently had you made a different decision?

Getting closure when someone dies is an uphill battle because there is no closure. There is only acceptance. You can either choose to accept the painful or keep it buried in you for decades — only to have it resurface, every month of every year.

They say, funerals are to pay homage to the dead and for the living to get closure. But aren’t we essentially forcing the living to get a closure as soon as possible through possible, when some of them might not even be ready?

I find funerals too definite and too soon. Funerals force you to accept the fact that you have indeed lost people close to you and there is nothing you can do about it.

You should be able to find closure at your own pace and in your own time. Nobody should be forced to face the cruel facts of life, if they don’t want to. Does that sound like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand? May be. But just for a while, if it helps you function and stay sane. Take your head out when you are ready to face the world and breath a little.

To all the people I have lost and to all the funerals I didn’t attend — I am trying to take my head out of the sand, slowly and steadily.

Parts of me were made by you and planets keep their distance too — But you’re gonna live forever in me.

PS -- Weekly posting schedule

I will be publishing new posts every Wednesday from now on.Why Wednesdays? Because I find Wednesdays the least threatening day of the week. Don't ask me why, it's a long story.
You can follow my Twitter or the blog's Facebook page to get notifications about new posts.

Till next Wednesday

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I have always believed that writing is my therapy. I have always believed that if I just turn my thoughts into words, I'll feel lighter and better. But, for the last few months I have been at a place where I didn't even want to be honest with myself and accept the facts of life. So I didn't write.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am a writer, I write for a living. And I have written thousands of words over the past few months but none of those words were about what was going in my head.

Grief is a peculiar thing. Everyone has their own way of dealing with a loss -- Some choose to ball their eyes out till they start feeling better, others box up everything together, lock it in a room, and throw the keys out so that even they cannot reach their own feelings.

After all, denial just feels so much more better than accepting you have lost something. Denial makes you feel like you still have everything and everyone around you. Denial makes you feel complete, even if its just an illusion.

Sadly, you can only spend so much time in the denial phase. At some time, you have to get out of the denial room and face the music. It is scary, it is pathetic, it is everything you wish you could unsee, but unfortunately, that's what life is all about.

In July, I lost my dog. Its been two months but I don't think I can still talk or write about it without my eyes getting foggy. I thought I would wait it out and only write about it when thinking about his death stopped giving me chills, but as anyone who has ever lost a pet will tell you, that will never really happen.

Losing a dog is such a particular feeling, that if you haven't gone through the ordeal you will probably find the grief and pain strange. Its like a void in your heart which will never ever be filled by anything or anyone.

The thing with dogs is, they force you to be their friends even when you don't want to. They force you to leave the house even when you just want to lie in your bed all day. They have absolutely no understanding of personal space, so they check up on you literally every 10 minutes to make you are alive and well.

I may be able to accept his death but I don't think I will ever feel okay whenever I ring my doorbell and enter the house. Nobody is there to greet me. Nobody is jumping over me. Nobody is trying to steal my backpack.

All I can do at this moment is hope that he has found his peace and he isn't in pain anymore. As for me, I am sure I will find some peace as well. If not now, then some day.

PS - Writing this wasn't easy. But as I edit it, I realize I feel much lighter than I have in months.

Till next time

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About Me

I am Ritika, 24, a Software Engineer by degree and a full-time Freelance writer by choice . I am a self proclaimed foodie who loves to travel. I always end up in foot in mouth situations and surprisingly enough, I never regret them. You can contact me at mystrangelife14(at)gmail(dot)com or ritika(at)writefreelance(dot)in

If you are interested in hiring me as a freelance writer, you can check my portfolio here.