"In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going." R. M. Drake

Friday, March 9, 2012

Being Back...

Today marks 2 full days that I've been in Utah. I can't quite wrap my mind around being back here. It really hasn't been as bad as I thought that it might be - but it hasn't been a walk in the park, either.

As I was driving to Utah on Wednesday morning I got a little lost and turned around before getting on I-80. I was just frustrated, tired, and wasn't exactly sure if the direction I was going was right. I was mad because my GPS is usually wrong around that area, and the ONE time that it was actually right, I didn't listen to it. Of course. I called my mom to get the right directions and really tried to keep it together. I was on the verge of tears. I had been thinking about what it was going to be like being back in Utah again with Spencer not there. I get emotional and the feeling that I had been waiting for since he passed finally hit - very suddenly and painfully.

Why am I going to Utah?

I have no reason to go to Utah.... I have to reason to be in Utah anymore. Wow. What a painful feeling. Of course I LOVE it in Utah and I have my support network and a lot of friends there now. Friends that I have REALLY missed...

But the original reason that I lived in Utah? Gone. One of the best parts about being in Utah? Gone. That one person I absolutely couldn't wait to see in Utah? Gone. The one thing I always do (or one person I always see) when I have nothing else to do? Gone. That one person to share the rest of my life with in Utah? Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone.

It hit me like a brick wall and I just started crying. Realizing, finally, that what I knew and what I had grown to absolutely love is now just a memory. I questioned several times that if I was making a mistake by going back to Utah only 3 months after his death. Was it too soon? How would I take it? Was it going to be super awkward? I had doubts and almost called my mom to talk through everything to make sure I really was making the right decision.

After talking through things by myself, out loud, and talking "to Spencer", I knew that it was the right thing to do. After venting my frustrations, aggravations, sadness, and anger I felt much better and was able to continue on my way. I just can't quite describe the feeling that set in. I just felt a huge knot in my stomach and my heart just sank. I felt so alone.

I started listening to a book on tape to get my mind off to things. I didn't want to be an emotional mess while driving. It worked well and the rest of my trip seemed to go fairly quickly. I finally made it into Utah and got to Ogden. I merged onto I-15 and went passed Layton. Layton is where we started our lives together. It was our first place on our own. I didn't exactly get sad.... but it was just a somber moment knowing that I'll never live there again with Spencer. I got off of the freeway in Bountiful and on my way to Salt Lake I drove past the turn I would usually take to get to Spencer's house. Yet again a somber feeling came over me. It was just strange driving the same roads that I had been driving for 3 years over and over again.

I got to Salt lake and nearly made the early turn up to the Hospital just out of habit oh boy. Just another strange feeling I can't quite describe.

It was amazing being back at Adam and Christines house - I can't even express how much I missed these two. Christine and I started right where we left off. Didn't miss a beat. =) I definitely know that I'll always have a friend here. I can't say enough how much Adam and Christine mean to me. Been there through thick and thin never once leaving my side. Amazing people.

BUT ANYWAY....

The next day I decided that I really needed to go up to the hospital. I needed to face that part of things. Knowing that I was going into the hospital, not to see Spencer but just have lunch with Christine and knowing that I was not going to leave with Spencer in hand. I saw an RT who really helped me out the last week Spencer was alive. It was good seeing a familiar face, but at the same time a little sad because I knew that that chapter in my life was over.

I have to be honest - being in the hospital again wasn't too bad. It was something that I really grew used to. It became like a home to me because it wasn't only the last 3 months that I basically lived up there, but Spencer was ALWAYS in the hospital. For 3 years I had been going up to that hospital. I know it inside and out, it seems.

Christine and I went up to AIMB (the normal CF unit) to see the staff and a few patients. It was good seeing familiar faces again. The staff up there is like another family to me. Again, it was sad to realize that that chapter in my life had come to a close and that I needed to move on. Those people were no longer the familiar faces that I will now see every few weeks. That kind of got to me. They really have an AMAZING staff up there.

As I was waiting for Christine to visit a pt I was by myself for awhile. It was good for me to be up there by myself because I realized that the hospital really isn't the place for me anymore. It was almost comforting to be in the hospital again. The place that I knew. Not that I enjoyed it or anything.... but I was just comfortable there. (I know, I KNOW it sounds weird =/). But I didn't have anyone to visit anymore. When someone has other things to do - I no longer have a room to go to to rest, sleep, eat, or just talk to someone. It is no longer "my place". Something I really needed to realize.

While I was walking out of the hospital I actually felt very sad. Once again, I was walking out with no husband. I knew that I wouldn't be going back there unless it was to eat with a friend or visit a friend in the hospital. I really understood that that part of my life was over. Humph.

I've been thinking a lot about moving back here. I really would like to. I love it here and Utah is where my heart is now. I've started my life here and I have every intention of finishing school, finding a great job, and living my life to the fullest here. (if only I knew what I wanted to do with my life now... ugh) but starting over is a very, very hard thing for me to think about. Starting a new life is not easy. Everything is different. I can't wrap my head around it and it is completely overwhelming to think about. I won't post much more about it here, right now... But it's a hard topic to think and talk about...

Last night I had my first break down moment. I don't want to go into detail about it, but I am so thankful that Adam and Christine were there for me. Again - they are amazing. Things just hit and I started to get flooded with a million emotions at once and very overwhelmed. I need to allow myself to break down more. I hate not knowing how. I hate that it seems like the only thing I know how to do anymore is to be strong. =/ -sigh-

I am home alone tonight. Christine and Adam went on a MUCH needed overnight trip. It's really weird being alone. I mean I feel very comfortable in their house - that part isn't weird. It's just not having anything to do. Normally I would be at the hospital when I have nothing to do. Or I would be with Spencer, hospital or home. It's getting me down a little bit. But honestly - I'm GLAD that I have some time to myself. I HAVE to be able to accept this. I have to be able to truly understand my reality. I can't just sit back and pretend that it hasn't changed. It's just HARD. So heck if I want to be depressed tonight - That's exactly what I'm going to do. I need to feel. No matter how much it hurts - I desperately need to feel. No more numbness... no more ignoring... NO MORE STAYING STRONG.....

Tomorrow I have plans to eat with a couple of good friends and then go to Orem to visit Spencer's grave site. I really don't know what my feelings are about this. Part of me (okay most all of me) doesn't want to go... I don't know how it's going to go. For one thing, I hate doing things by myself. I always like to have a friend with me. I like the company and I hate being alone. I HATE it. (unless I feel like I need alone time... otherwise no thank you). For two - I just don't know what it's going to be like. It would be so easy to talk myself out of it and just not go... But that would be a stupid thing. I'm here - I need to go. The whole point of this trip is facing this. So I'm going to do it no matter how hard. I hope it will be good for me to be there. I don't imagine I'll stay very long... Not really looking forward to tomorrow afternoon =/ We'll see how it goes.

I can say that this trip is just too short. I wish I could stay a few more days. I would like to see a few more people and I'd love to do a few more things. I wish I could spend more time with Adam and Christine. But all good things have to come to an end. I'm already looking forward to coming back out here in May. Something tells me that without a doubt, even though it's kind of hard being here, this is where I am meant to be. =)

1 comment:

I am so proud of you cousin! You are dealing with this in a way that is wise beyond your years. I am so glad that you returned. You have so many loving and supportive people there and your church that have walked the journey with you. I am so glad you will be returning. It is a beautiful and wonderful place to live. One of the reasons I have not left here either. Sending you my love and hugs!... Mari