Friday, August 23, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Stock market NASDAQ shut down for three hours Thursday because of a technical glitch. The good news is that investors in Facebook finally got a chance to see their stock’s value not drop any further.

Stock market NASDAQ shut down for three hours Thursday because of a technical glitch. Well, there’s a good reason to get people to invest in the technology market.

A report says that sleep texting, when people send texts they can’t remember is increasing. The worst part is when people are sleep texting while they are driving.

A report says that sleep texting, when people send texts they can’t remember is increasing. The only problem is when men are sleep texting their girlfriend in front of their wife who is still awake.

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner will resign today. People are supporting the move because it will help the city recover, avoid more bad publicity and once a settlement is reached be done with having to listen any more to Gloria Allred.

A Canadian dentist who bought one of John Lennon’s molars says he hopes he can clone the former Beatle through tooth DNA. Scientists say they have never tried that before. Mostly because they could never come up with an Englishman who still had any teeth to clone from.

A Canadian dentist who bought one of John Lennon’s molars says he hopes he can clone the former Beatle through tooth DNA. The good part is that Yoko Ono is fine with it as long as she gets the money from any new songs the clone records.

Retail stores are already starting some Christmas deals in August. Apparently merchants are trying to get people to start shopping early because in this economy they aren’t sure if anyone will have any cash left in another couple of months.

The 82 year old artist who botched a fresco of Jesus in a Spanish church has signed a royalty deal for money generated from the mistake. What’s the big deal? If Paris Hilton can be paid for acting then anything is believable anymore.

The CIA has closed its office that declassifies historical materials. Apparently they felt it was unnecessary ever since WikiLeaks went into business.

A report says that China has become number one in the world for airline flight delays. No one even knew that JetBlue was flying into Beijing.

A new atomic clock is reportedly accurate to the 18th decimal of a second. Apparently standard clocks just can’t keep up when trying to keep track of how fast the national debt is growing.

A survey says that fewer than half of Americans say there has been substantial racial equality progress in the past 50 years. The rest live in Mississippi, Georgia or South Carolina.

A five year old student in Tennessee brought a gun to school that went off in his backpack. His parents were upset. What was he doing taking a gun to school when he knows hunting season is a few weeks away?

A five year old student in Tennessee brought a gun to school that went off in his backpack. The good news is that he already qualifies for a NRA scholarship when he’s heading off to college.

A decrease in the population of the Monarch butterfly has experts concerned. Apparently it all has to do with Mayor Bloomberg who is demanding that all flies contain less butter.

Former “Today” Show anchor Lew Wood has died at age 84. He anchored the program briefly in 1975 but left when a young Matt Lauer wrote in to the program demanding he be replaced with someone who was not as boring.

A survey says that the top selling brand of coffee for Americans is Folgers. Starbucks disagreed with the results and says the findings could be grounds for a lawsuit.

A survey says that the top selling brand of coffee for Americans is Folgers. No one had any idea that people over 80 drank that much coffee.

A survey says that the top selling brand of coffee for Americans is Folgers. Although people who still drink Folgers are so old that to them the best part of waking up is actually waking up.

The new Kodak company coming out of bankruptcy won’t be selling any products to consumers. They figure paying employees to sit around and do nothing will not lose them anywhere near as much money as trying to go back to selling film cameras.

Notre Dame football ticket prices are the highest in the country, with an average cost of $294 a ticket. And that doesn’t even include the collection plate they pass around between quarters.

Notre Dame football ticket prices are the highest in the country, with an average cost of $294 a ticket. The least expensive is UNLV where you get comped a buffet and are given $100 in house chips at the gate.

Delta Airlines says that its health care costs will go up $100 Million next year. Mostly due to their employees stealing and eating some of the meals that are meant to go to their passengers.

An airline trade group says that U.S. airlines are adding services as their profits go up. Which only increases their profits more since each service they provide comes with a cash fee.

The CEO of Sears says the company didn’t boost its investment in stores because of higher pension obligations. Business experts were surprised. Who works at Sears who could even afford to retire and collect a pension in the first place?

The CEO of Sears says the company didn’t boost its investment in stores because of higher pension obligations. Sears has a pension plan? That must pay about the same as what pensioners receive from their career at 7-11 and Wal-Mart.

The CEO of Sears says the company didn’t boost its investment in stores because of higher pension obligations. Of course the company pension plan only includes the CEO.

Delta Airlines has provided 19,000 of its flight attendants with a Windows phone. Which everyone in the airline business knows is better than an aisle phone.

Delta Airlines has provided 19,000 of its flight attendants with a Windows phone. Which they can use to get on the Delta website and let passengers know how many hours late their flight will arrive.

A study says that shorter work hours don’t mean happier employees. Mostly because it just means they will have more hours where they have to be at home and deal with their spouse and kids.

CVS has cut off several doctors they say were prescribing too many narcotics. Which means that the CVS that Lindsay Lohan, Ozzy Osbourne and Amanda Bynes go to is going to have a real drop in business soon.

CVS has cut off several doctors they say were prescribing too many narcotics. Apparently they want Americans to have the drugs that help society, like weight loss pills, erectile dysfunction medications and steroids.

A study says that a mothers’ genes may affect how fast their children will age. Which is just more bad news for Chelsea Clinton.

A study has identified the five types of beer most people are drinking before landing in the ER. Apparently it is whatever beer they were drinking while they were watching episodes of “Jackass”.

A study has identified the five types of beer most people are drinking before landing in the ER. Is it the beer or the people who drink it? You never see people winding up in the ER from riding a shopping cart down a hill after drinking a few snifters of Courvoisier Cognac.

Thousands of men in central Pennsylvania were notified that they received a faulty prostate cancer test. The worst part is apparently it had to do with the doctor putting the latex glove on the wrong hand.

Doctors are investigating an Indian baby for possible spontaneous combustion. It was either that or those parents left a diaper on just a bit too long.

Victoria Beckham says that David does all the cooking at home. In other words, he wasn’t able to convince her those rumors about him cheating a few years ago weren’t true.

Victoria Beckham says that David does all the cooking at home. She helps out by adding some seasoning, occasionally stirring and generally just sneering a lot.

Victoria Beckham says that David does all the cooking at home. Apparently he is very good. No one can braise it like Beckham.

A study says that the age women feel most comfortable with their naked body is 34. Mostly because once they hit that point, they know it’s never going to get any better.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will unveil their baby on Kris Jenner’s daytime talk show. Apparently that way they know they will make Kardashian’s mom happy while knowing that not enough people will see the baby so they can still sell the first pictures.

Richie Zambora was fired from the Bon Jovi tour over money issues. Although the real reason is that he isn’t married to Heather Locklear so she doesn’t come out on tour anymore.

Richie Zambora was fired from the Bon Jovi tour over money issues. He was making $2 Million a month. Now he will see what it’s like just livin’ on a prayer.

A report says that Terrell Owens is suing his former agent for $6.5 Million. Legal experts know the lawsuit is for real since it was signed with a Sharpee.

Ryan Braun has admitted in a statement that he used PEDs in his MVP winning season. People applauded his honesty. It takes a big person to admit that everything they said in the past five years was a lie.

The Chancellor of Texas A&M says he knows Johnny Manziel is innocent. If Manziel was all about the money, why would he have enrolled at Texas A&M?

A survey says that half of all teenagers have avoided a mobile app because of fear that personal information would be accessed. Mainly all the naked pictures of themselves and their classmates they have stored in their phone.

A survey says a majority of drivers say they would not buy a self driving car. Apparently they are worried about how dangerous would a Chrysler be that uses the same technology for driving itself that is used by Chrysler to make the rest of the car.

Wal-Mart is pushing a “made in America” agenda at a retail summit. So far the only thing that is actually made in America in their stores are the little tags that say “Made in China”.

A report says that household income in the U.S. has fallen 4.4% since the end of the recession. Which pretty much says that there really hasn’t been an end to the recession yet.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The end of another joke fest. Hopefully you laughed at a few of them. Or a couple. Or one. Or at least chuckled while you were reading it even though you were thinking about what someone said at work yesterday. That makes it all worthwhile. Even more so when you remember to send the love!