Thursday, July 16, 2015

Prediction: Tour de France Prologue in Pyongyang by 2020

Tour de France riding person Chris Froome wants you to know that all this fuss over his suspicious power output files isn't doing anybody any good--and by "anybody" he means him:

The leaked data from Froome’s ascent of the Ventoux also shows a markedly low maximum heart rate, which never rises above 161 beats per minute even when launching the vicious attacks that saw off both Alberto Contador and Nairo Quintana approaching the summit.
Wow! Now that's impressive. A typical Fred will easily exceed that heart rate while using the toilet, or reading about the aero benefits of the new Specialized Venge-Schmenge. (Doing both simultaneously is enough to send the typical Fred into cardiac arrest.)

Froome, however, is no typical Fred. In actuality, he is either a superhuman Über-Fred by birth, or else he is a Fred who has been doped to the gills:“I’ve even put that part of the data out there in my book: my maximum heart rate is only around 170 so after two weeks of a grand tour, I’m quite surprised it went to 160 if that’s what they’re saying,” Froome said. “That’s normal, once I get two weeks into a Grand Tour: 10 beats off my maximum when I’m going as hard as I can. That’s pretty normal – for me, anyway.”

Either way, I believe that's what the millennials call a "humblebrag."

It’s a question of equity. Not all the teams are rich enough to buy more and more vehicles. Bretagne-Séché Environnement at the Tour de France, Bardiani-CSF at the Giro d’Italia or Caja Rural at the Vuelta a España, their budget is about one tenth of the biggest teams’. The charm of our sport is that they still have a chance to win a stage or something. Everyone has the right to dream. If we keep increasing the gap between the rich and the poor, we’ll lose one recipe for our success. I don’t see any new sponsor coming in cycling and putting millions to create a new team. Some of the existing teams are economically in danger. Five years ago, we were twenty-five teams competing for a World Tour license, this year the eighteen spots aren’t filled. By raising the bar too high, cycling might struggle to attract sponsors even more than now.

Yeah, no they're not. He really needs to leave the sport alone, let the current crop of freaks defend themselves, and get himself on a reality show already. It's the only decent thing left for him to do.

Until now, a lactate threshold test in a lab with a blood draw was the only way to accurately measure a rider’s lactate threshold. BSX Insight is a new device designed to guide you through the process and give you a test that measures your levels of deoxygenated blood. It then compares those levels to known trends in the relationship between deoxygenated blood levels and the production of lactate. The test can even be done at home with a trainer, a powerful fan, power meter, and the new $370 BSX Insight — Cycling Edition.The Insight tethers to your ANT+ devices, such as a power meter and a heart rate monitor, and then feeds that information to your phone, along with data on blood lactate levels. This is where things get interesting: the BSX Insight device measures the levels of deoxygenated blood using an LED light that looks through your skin on the back of your calf and into your blood stream. The BSX software — its secret sauce — then takes those oxygenation levels and converts them to a lactate threshold number. No more finger pricks every few minutes.

Oh my god.

If you are even contemplating using something like this and you are not a highly-paid professional athlete, you need to do one of two things immediately:

1) Get a freaking life;

or

2) Get a freaking medical degree.

At least if you do #2 you can channel your freakish obsessions into a meaningful career instead of commingling them at your own expense with your stupid hobby that helps nobody.

Yes, we've finally entered into the long-awaited Age of Total Fred Automation, in which every single aspect of Lycra-clad bicycle riding is governed by some sort of electronic command, alert, or notification. Gone off course? "BEEP!" goes the Garmin. Some other Fred stole your KOM? "Get it back!" goads the Strava. About to drive into a garage with your bike on the roof rack, because your coach tells you to avoid "junk miles" so you drive your bike everywhere? "BUZZZ!" goes this thing:

Unfortunately it's not going to help, because we're all so inured to electronic notifications at this point that they completely fail to register, and unless the sensor also shuts off your engine I guarantee your going to drive right into the garage anyway.

And I should stress that this good, because few things are more entertaining than Fredly roof rack mishaps:

Scoff if you will, but it's still more bike-friendly than Australia:Bicycles are an expensive but increasingly popular mode of transport for many in the country where private car ownership, although on the rise, is still rare.They are often used by women to transport goods to semi-tolerated markets, where one of the most common services is bicycle repair.

"Semi-tolerated" markets? A pressing need for bicycle repair services? I smell a business opportunity!

I mean not one where the government will let you keep any of the money you earn, but still.

Alas, even in North Korea, people are embarrassed to admit that they ride bikes:

Cockerell said the number of cyclists in Pyongyang appears to have increased by roughly 50% in recent years, although many residents remain unconvinced.“They are not the most common form of transport for the average Pyongyanger, and many people I have spoken to have scoffed at the idea that they would ride a bike,” said Cockerell.

This is a sobering reminder of where cyclists lie on the transportation hierarchy. You know you're low when even the North Koreans are scoffing at you. What forms of transportation are even available to them in the first place? "Ride a bike? Ha!," scoffed the average Pyongyanger, as he rode indignantly away on a dog.

Lastly, back in the Land of the Free (or at least the Land of the Fees), check out this dramatic bike theft sting operation:

I really hope this is the backdrop for the next season of "True Detective."

but you'd better not kiss me back, just incase shingles are actually contagious. Did you know that trauma can trigger shingles?!! Turns out I also broke a rib on Saturday, and now that stinking nerve has big, badass blisters all along it. What the actual fuck is going on??

I had been working to launch a new research service for my company and had a string of consecutive 80hr+ work weeks that was nearing 30.

I woke up with the worst pain I have ever felt on my ribs/back and my wife told me to see a doctor.

He scolded me pretty harshly. Told me that being only 30 and without a compromised immune system, there was only one likely cause and that I should heed it as a warning and be thankful it wasn't my heart, blah blah blah.

I took my first week long vacation of my professional life and returned home to a job offer with a new company.

I don't know what it all means, or what my point is. I guess just that I hope yours is not a seeringly painful as mine was. Also, I was a member of the subpopulation that has a reaction to Valtrex. It fogged my mind and made my reactions decidedly delayed. It was a very interesting time to work in that office.

Babs- yick - I've had shingles not once but twice in my life. I hope they caught it early - quick treatment can avoid long-term nerve damage, etc., or so my doctor tells me. You really are going through the wringer - rest well...

If you are looking to detox from all the latest Fredly nonsense, and to avoid incessant Tour coverage, I can recommend Sweden. Seriously, the list of Swedish Tour stage winners is one guy, and he moved to a pre-Sky Britain in order to have some sort of professional cycling career. Consequently, nobody gives a fuck about who is doping whom, as there is no national pride at stake either way. Plenty of people commute by bike, but they generally do so wearing sensible generic sports clothing, and mostly on old mountain bikes fitted with slick tyres, like the rest of the world did before Rapha, Specialized and like convinced people to spend vast sums on Merino wool and crabon.

Being of mostly Swedish descent, I was always sad that Magnus Bäckstedt wasn't nicknamed the Swedish Meatball or something equally stupid, just so I could hear the crotchety Liggett come up with some ridiculous pun for it.

Loved the "sting", but I think it was staged. In real life, Lonnie would have got two blocks and then got clipped by an SUV.Exactly why did they let him ride away? What was the point of the three cops watching the bike on the street?Small wonder this happens every minute, when the only law enforcement is a military-like solution of men and equipment that looks bigger than anything seen in Baghdad. I was expecting an armed personnel carrier to swoop in and pick up ol' Lonnie.

They "let" me ride away because it was a setup to fram me. It was total entrapment, man. I won't ride anything that isn't lug welded triple butted steel. I thought that this site's readership would recognize that much.

I was on the toilet and and almost died laughing reading of Froomey's max heart rate. For forty years I was a hard drinker and heavy smoker and my heart can go faster than that on a climb, the younger Fred's who pass are well above that. Sorry for over sharing now off to RAGBRAI, hope I don't gain too much weight on that tour.

If it's anything like NJ law, breaking a lock to steal something moves it up a degree, and in the case of a sub-$500 bicycle makes it a potential prison sentence instead of a misdemeanor that involves only community service and the like.

I served on a Grand Jury for 13 weeks and got to learn all of these things.

Come on Ms. Babble! You have to stay together in one hot piece! Please be careful!

Stopped over by your virtual place before, but you were no where to be scene. I figured you'd be hanging out at Snobby's place. In any case, feel better soon! Keep sharing!

Channeling my old dearly departed flight instructor Tom: ->So this guy lands his brand new aeraplane gear up. What a mess, closed the runway for hours. Anyway, we asked him, don't you have a low altitude warning buzzer on that thing!?!?! And he says "Yes, but I turned it off, it annoyed me."

The Toronto police did a sting with and unlocked bike about 8 years ago. They arrested so many people in two hours they had to stop because of the paperwork. The video even shows people grabbing the bike as the cop was walking away from placing it. I don't know what happened, but when I was a kid, we never locked our bikes (ok, this is a while ago and you had to be pretty tall to steal a penny farthing) but we just grew up learning two things: ya don't touch a guy's junk in the shower, ya don't touch someone else's bike.I can only assume today there is also a lot more junk-touching in showers.

I was driving my drummer home the other night in the urban pit and while stopped at a light we saw a decent unlocked bike just resting against a scaffolding. Sez I to him, "The bike thief must have left it there." Sez he to me, "I was thinking the same thing."

Hope you get over your shingles and other ailments soon! Just last week I got an order from my doctor for a shingles vaccination. I’ve had it twice now — it was no fun either time, and I’m sure a third time would not be charmed.

And I should stress that this good, because few things are more entertaining than Fredly roof rack mishaps: . . . Don't worry, it's okay to laugh. Nobody got hurt, and it didn't happen to you.

yes it did last june. but there was an upside. spousy gave my dino eater to sluggo so i got a new one in may. AND spousy feels sorry for my dent in the downtube (when the bike carrier jaws were ripped from it) and has okayed a new bike. thinkin of talkin to mr bilenky this fall.

Reality show 19 Kids and Counting cancelled.New show, 19 Bikes and Counting, The BSNYC Story to take its place.

Sorry about the shingles, Babble. Hope it's a mild case.

Blunchbelly: jealous of your upcoming Ragbrai. I'm skipping again this year. Still think BSNYC community should rent Team Sky bus and do it some year.Enjoy the butterfly pork chop sandwiches, Tender Tom Turkey and the Pastafarians.

Glad I could be of service, CD. I didn't actually click on the link. I just Googled 'fleshlight' so I could see the address.

Seriously, all this talk of mechanical doping is just stupid. I don't doubt that it's possible and I don't doubt that somebody will eventually make a workable system that can be hidden in a racing bikecycle. But getting caught mechanical doping would be about as shameful as getting caught using a motherfetchin' fleshlight.

So I ponied up beaucoup bucks for the complete sequencing of my genome, so as to decide whether I should devote my life to the pro circuit and winning Le Tour, or just devote my life to beer and sex - not an easy choice given my incredible physical gifts - maximum heart rate of 47, etc. Well the machine ground away at it for hours and hours, putting millions of cascading green numbers falling down a wall-sized screen, and a white-coated team of really good-looking young scientists writing equations furiously on clear plexiglass panels, and eventually, way, way down in the corner of one chromosome, buried deep in the complex of genes that governs Cycling Potential, they found the answer - a sequence that when decoded, spelled out, "you suck, dude" with a tiny drawing of a raised middle finger.

Crosspalms - I KNOW, right? That's EEEfuckingnough already. I got the photographs this time, though, and yeowza. There are a lot of sharp things in there. I will post them tomorrow so you can see why I really am a ghost in the machine.

THEN I will stop oversharing. Last year, a few members of my family told me in no uncertain terms that the blog will never be successful cause it sucks. They were convinced that it is a complete and UDDER waste of time, in part because it is too personal. Then another friend of mine, a man who had one of those eye in the sky Reuters corner offices in Times Square when 911 went down (so a fairly successful media executive) said that no, my personal story is what will make it work, and that in particular I ought to focus on health and wellness, cause in his words "You know stuff that most people want, and in fact need to know. That's your area of expertise and that's what you should write. That and your bikes."

Not only is the new Colonel bizarre, but so is the message. One commericial ostensibly states 'Stuck in traffic, buy a bucket so you have something to do while you sit going nowhere'. Just what we need to contend with.....douche bags distracted by fried chicken legs cell phones, and whatever else, running our asses over on the side of the road.

I agree. That guy is a piece of work with his "He-he-he-he". Bizarre. I was almost moved enough to comment the same last night.

Not to turn this into a superbowl-esque "lets talk about commercials during the tour" thing (May not be an inane or questionable enough topic for this comment board.) but I get the feeling I'm watching a nightly 2 hour program of commercials with short commercials of the tour interspersed between the commercials.

Now Hannah and her horse -I can tolerate that one. I just tune out the dialog and focus on the visuals. Also Kudos to Geico for bringing back the caveman. Copier down office party is also one of my favs.

"Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has canceled plans to build a large new stadium shaped like a bike helmet for the 2020 Olympics. The new Tokyo stadium, designed by Iraqi-British architect Zaha Hadid, had been criticized for its high construction cost and a design that some said clashed with traditional Japanese aesthetics.

“I have made a decision to take the plan back to square one and reconsider,” Abe told reporters Friday. He said he would seek out a new design with a lower construction cost. The bike helmet stadium had been projected to cost more than $2 billion."

There will be a symposium this morning on Ruth Brown & her work. This will include be a talk by a feminist from Berkeley on the objectivization of women, along with a response from a neo-feminist blogger, "Turning the Tables: The 'Other' as Liberator and Outsider as Insider;The role of the jester moderne". A pillowfight in lingerie will follow.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!