For some reason, lately I have thought a lot about my fairly short-lived marriage and subsequent divorce.

Why did I say yes?

Why did I eventually say no?

What was the initial draw?

Why did that change?

Who was I then?

Who am I now?

When I am in questioning mode, I have always found indigenous people to have an intelligence I yearn for when my own ‘go-to’ places are beginning to fray at the edges and lose their initial usefulness to me.

Dear all.. I have lost the image upload capacity on my computer for the moment …
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It has been hot here.

Like everywhere else.

I keep moving through my life

With my edges continually toasted

Just going from car to home.

MS hates heat and weakens me.

They used to diagnose MS by putting the person in a hot bath

And watching to see if they’d be adversely affected by heat.

A couple days ago I lost my balance and fell backward

Hitting my sweet head HARD on the tile floor.

A big flash of white light

And much blood.

I lay there and collected myself

As my dog scrunched her brow

Like a Sharpei.

I didn’t pass out.

But I couldn’t get up.

After about 10 minutes I tried scooting my way to my phone in the next room.

I had an out loud conversation with myself

To test my level of consciousness

And keep myself company, really.

“You can do this, Cath… only a few more feet.”

I knew I had to call 911

And I also knew my dog would try to eat the EMT people

As she protected me.

I called Olivia’s second mom and blessedly, she arrived to help

Before the hunky EMT men got there.

For someone who has never been to the hospital before

(Like me)

The whole gurney-thing

And flashing lights

And concerned, gawking neighbors

Was a bit much.

But I surrendered.

Actually, my injury was very minimal

And I left the hospital a few hours later with 4 staples in my head.

In retrospect,

I see that I have been under a good bit of stress

As I face the changing landscape of my financial state;

Trying to find a new home that suits me,

Becoming TOTALLY transparent with my family

As places previously kept hidden

Come to light by necessity.

And, on top of all that:

THE HEAT.

All of it made for a slightly out-of-body experience.

Things I’ve learned:

1. Get MEDIC-ALERT system in place so I feel safer (that thing you wear around your neck as a panic button) My sister researched this for me and actually CALLED the company and told them to expand their marketing niche to include others besides the ancient examples they currently use as models!

2. I am so loved and supported.

3. My dog needs a vacation from trying to protect me from every darn challenging thing..

4. I am resilient.

5. Look into getting a swamp cooler and STOP ANY KIND OF WASP-LIKE TOUGHING-IT-OUT KIND OF MARTYR EXISTENCE.

6. Pay homage to the gods of insurance who we turn our heads from but grab hold of when in need. (and ask them to please get their shit together).

7. The progressive loss of physical capability does not diminish who I am at the core of me.

8. Asking / needing help feels weird to me still but if I let it, it feels somehow like communion; an unexpected church.

9. The value I once put on extreme independence is shifting into something else which I don’t have a name for yet.

10. In order for me to have the capacity as I do now, to begin receiving support in a grace-full manner, it was entirely necessary for the cataclysmic ’emptying out’ I have been involved in for the past years.