To me, there are only a few things that are truly scary. Nuclear war, being in a car accident, and that little dead girl from “The Ring” climbing through my television set. I just bought a plasma TV under the assumption that she can’t fit in there. The store clerk wouldn’t put anything in writing, but he was pretty sure she wouldn’t like the plasma, since she died in a well. So I’m assuming I’m safe there. The only thought that rivals any of those is the possibility that someday, a child could burst forth from the loins of Paris Hilton. Scary, right? Which would you rather have, Paris Hilton’s baby shooting out of your TV or the dead Ring girl? I know, it’s not really one of those questions that can be answered.

Paris wants to have a baby, and it sounds like she has really well thought out, unselfish reasons. She wants her kid to be able to play with Nicole Richie’s baby. I wonder what she’s planning on doing with it the rest of the time.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have been best friends – and occasionally the best of enemies – for years. Now that Richie is pregnant, Hilton says she’s hoping their offspring will be second-generation BFFs. “Nicole and I have been playing together since we were two years old,” she told PEOPLE at the Nissan Live Sets One Year Anniversary Party. “I was just telling her, ‘I want a baby so that our babies can play together.’”

Still, Hilton admits, she has a few things to take care of first – like finding a man! “I don’t have a boyfriend right now,” the Simple Life star insisted. “But I would love to start a family.” In the meantime, she’ll be content playing Auntie Paris to Richie’s baby with Joel Madden. (The little one is due in January). “[Nicole] is really excited, and happy, and a little scared,” Hilton said, adding that Madden is “a gentleman. … We all can’t wait!”

Well at least she’s got her head on straight. If evolutionary theory is correct, Paris Hilton really shouldn’t be able to mate successfully. Though if that were true, a lot of people wouldn’t be able to reproduce; but it seems like a lot of the worst candidates are also the most fruitful. I wonder if Paris can teach her kid to speak with her unique vocal combination of flat affect with a side of valley girl accent, or if that’s a unique trait that can’t be reproduced. Something tells me she’ll end up being a godmother very soon, and hopefully that little tiny bit of responsibility will scare her off the idea of kids for a while.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Paris hawking her new perfume “Can Can Paris Hilton” at Macy’s in Garden City, New York on November 13, 2007. Seems motherly to me. Images thanks to PR Photos.