Top 20 Movie Insults

Hollywood is a vicious place: if you don’t have a pointed tongue and a wit to match that of Oscar Wilde, you might as well have ‘DUNCE’ tattooed on your forehead. Selecting the very best movie insults was an arduous task as there’s simply so many to consider.

What makes a great movie insult? Swearing will bump you up a few notches but only if used correctly – profanity should be used sparingly and imaginatively. Personal jibes always go down well, particularly about one’s weight or mother.

But what makes a really winning movie insult is whether it can be used by the every man.

Feel free to roll out any of the following twenty withering put-downs in everyday situations and wait for the kudos to roll in.

20. DODGEBALL (2004)

The insulter: Patches O’Houlihan (Rip Torn)
The situation: The eccentric Dodgeball coach gives his team a halftime pep talk and doesn’t sugar-coat his instructions. Average Joe’s will be average no longer.
The insult: ”Will someone please catch a goddamn ball? It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!”
Why it rules: Paints quite a picture, doesn’t it?

19. WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP (1992)

The insulter: Sidney Deane (Wesley Snipes)
The situation: Trash-talking on the basketball court, a number of ‘yo momma’ jokes are thrown around but this one really sticks.
The insult: “I seen your mother kicking a can down the street. I said ‘What you doin’?’ and she said ‘Moving’”
Why it rules: Nothing cuts to the bone like a ‘yo momma’ joke.

18. THE WAY OF THE GUN (2000)

The insulter: Mr. Parker (Ryan Philippe)
The situation: The reserved-yet-deadly criminal for hire gets involved in a slanging match outside a club with a bar patron and his bitch girlfriend.
The insult: “Shut that cunt’s mouth or I’ll come over there and fuckstart her head!”
Why it rules: The c-word always wins an argument (especially when directed at a girl).

17. O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? (2000)

The insulter: Ulysses Everett McGill (George Clooney)
The situation: Escaped convict Ulysses can no longer hide his contempt for his two dim-witted partners.
The insult: “You two are just dumber than a bag of hammers.”
Why it rules: Is there any instrument duller than the hammer? Exactly.

16. JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK (2001)

The insulter: Jay (Jason Mewes)
The situation: Upon discovering an internet post flaming his new movie, the stoner decides to retort in his own inimitable style.
The insult: “All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We’re gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we’re gonna make ‘em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made ‘em eat. Then all you motherfuckers are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.”
Why it rules: You know you’ve read stuff like that on the internet before.

15. THE DEPARTED (2006)

The insulter: Sergeant Dignam (Mark Wahlberg)
The situation: The Boston Police Force set up a stakeout and Dignam gets a little pissed with the attitude of the tech geeks they hired to wire the place up.
The insult: “I’m the guy that does his job. You must be the other guy.”
Why it rules: It’s just one of a slew of insults from Dignam’s acid-tipped tongue. Fuckin’ A.

14. POINT BREAK (1991)

The insulter: Agent Antonio Pappas (Gary Busey)
The situation: The FBI agent reminds a cocksure Keanu Reeves that he’s been around the block a few times.
The insult: “I was taking shrapnel in Khe Sanh when you were crapping in your hands and rubbing it on your face!”
Why it rules: Keanu Reeves totally did that as a kid.

13. WAYNE’S WORLD (1992)

The insulter: Garth Algar (Dana Carvey)
The situation: The straggly-haired rocker convinces Kurt Fuller’s lackey that his TV producer boss is a douchebag.
The insult: “Benjamin is nobody’s friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavour, he’d be pralines and dick.”
Why it rules: Imaginative and disgusting – no one would eat ice cream flavoured like pralines.

12. ROXANNE (1987)

The insulter: C.D. ‘Charlie’ Bales (Steve Martin)
The situation: Colossaly-conked Charlie is challenged to think of twenty insults better than ‘Big Nose’. This is the best of the bunch, but “When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?” runs it a close second.
The insult: “Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?”
Why it rules: It reminds us of when Steve Martin was funny.

11. THE LAST BOY SCOUT (1991)

The insulter: Joseph ‘Joe’ Hallenback (Bruce Willis)
The situation: When confronted by a street thug, Hallenback defaults to comedy mode to distract him (before smacking him up something neat).
The insult: “Your wife’s so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. If you wanna fuck her, you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in.”
Why it rules: No one writes barbed put-downs like Shane Black (see also #7).

10. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION (1989)

The insulter: Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase)
The situation: Not having a happy holidays, Clark reveals his Christmas wish would be to tell his boss the following tirade.
The insult: “You cheap, lying, no good, rotten, floor flushing, low life, snake licking, dirt eating, inbred, over-stuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fatass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spineless, worm-headed sack of monkey shit!”
Why it rules: We’ve all wanted to call our boss an asshole, but this is taking it to the next level.

9. ANCHORMAN (2004)

The insulter: Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell)
The situation: Ron and his female co-anchor Veronica Corningstone trade insults on the newsroom floor. Hers suck. His don’t.
The insult: “You are a smelly pirate hooker. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”
Why it rules: Because women really should go back to their homes on Whore Island.

8. SEXY BEAST (2000)

The insulter: Don Logan (Ben Kingsley)
The situation: Nutcase Don is in Spain to convince retired gangster Gal to return to the UK for one more job. Gal likes the Spanish sun too much.
The insult: “You’re the problem! You’re the fucking problem you fucking Dr. White honkin’ jam-rag fucking spunk-bubble!”
Why it rules: Such filth coming from the mouth of Gandhi? Genius!

7. KISS KISS, BANG BANG (2005)

The insulter: Gay Perry (Val Kilmer)
The situation: Dumbass criminal and part-time investigator Harry Lockheart throws Perry’s gun into a lake without realising it is important evidence.
The insult: “Look up idiot in the dictionary. You know what you’ll find?”
“A picture of me?”
“No! The definition of the word ‘idiot’, which you fucking are!”
Why it rules: Second-guesses Harry (and the audience) with its logical brilliance.

6. A FISH CALLED WANDA (1988)

The insulter: Wanda Gershwitz (Jamie Lee Curtis)
The situation: Lust object Wanda puts it to Kevin Kline’s kidnapper Otto that he’s not as bright as he thinks he is.
The insult: “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I’ve known sheep who could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?”
Why it rules: It’s just one of many fine insults in a fantastically written movie.

5. PREDATOR (1987)

The insulter: Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
The situation: After a rumble in the jungle with his intergalactic enemy, Colonel Dutch finally comes face to face with the Predator and dashes his hopes for a snog.
The insult: “You’re one ugly motherfucker!”
Why it rules: No need for witty one-liners here: straight to the point and devastatingly brutal, even for an alien.

4. GET CARTER (1971)

The insulter: Jack Carter (Michael Caine)
The situation: Returning home to find his brother dead in mysterious circumstances, professional killer Jack re-introduces himself to the snivelling Eric.
The insult: “You know, I’d almost forgotten what your eyes looked like. Still the same. Pissholes in the snow.”
Why it rules: Try and stop thinking about it next time your girlfriend asks if you like her eyes.

3. GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)

The insulter: Rhett Butler (Clark Gable)
The situation: Having had all he can stand of Scarlett’s whinging and whimpering, Butler puts his bitch on ice.
The insult: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Why it rules: Back in the 1930’s, this was worth a million ‘motherfuckers’.

2. MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1975)

The insulter: Taunting French Guard (John Cleese)
The situation: Atop his castle, the French guard pours scorn on King Arthur and his “silly kerrniggits”, spitting down vitriol like acid rain.
The insult: “I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed, animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”
Why it rules: It’s hard to argue with that sort of reasoning. And he is French.

1. FULL METAL JACKET (1987)

The insulter: Gunnery Sgt. Hartman (R. Lee Ermey)
The situation: Tubster Private Pyle dares break a smile while having his hair dryed by his furious drill sergeant. What followed were the most brutal, most heartless and most downright hilarious insults in movie history. It’s almost impossible to pick one amongst a tirade that lasts several minutes (“You look like you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose,” “I didn’t know they stacked shit that high,” “Looks to me like the best part of you ran down your momma’s crack and ended up a brown stain on the mattress,” and so on) but pick one we had to…
The insult: “Did your parents have any children that lived?”
Why it rules: Breathtaking in its brevity, it’s an insult so devastating, the recipient kills himself later in the picture.

Wesley: [yelling to Janice] Shut the fuck up!
[the office grows quiet]
Wesley: [to co-workers] She has one single iota of tenuous power. She thinks she can push everyone around.
[grabs Janice’s stapler]
Wesley: You don’t need this.
[throws stapler into the wall of his cubicle]
Wesley: I understand. Junior high must’ve been kind of tough, but it doesn’t give you the right to treat your workers like horseshit, Janice. I know we laugh at you, Janice. We all know you keep a stash of jelly donuts in the top drawer of your desk.
[crouches down]
Wesley: But I want you to know, if you weren’t such a bitch, we’d feel sorry for you. I do feel sorry for you. But as it stands, the way you behave – I feel I can speak for the entire office when I tell you… go fuck yourself.

“Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

Also, despite it’s obscurity, there is a prolonged insult at the beginning of the film, “The Brothers O’Toole” – starring John Astin as Michael O’toole – wherein Michael insults the entire town to its face. Stop by IMDB.com for the memorable quote.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have been raised in a whiskey tango trailer park by a bow-legged female whose sole qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch a sperm of a passing truck driver.

Insulter: Sgt. Erwin Toomey
Situation: The platoon of Basic Training recruits are marching through the swamp and they have stopped at the edge of a large body of water. Sgt. Toomey gets mad and goes up to find out why they have stopped.
Sgt. Erwin Tooney: Why the hell have we stopped?
Pinelli: That looks like pretty deep water sargeant.
Sgt. Erwin Toomey: So, what does that mean Selridge?
Selridge: Uh, it means that it’s pretty deep water.
The insult: Sgt. Erwin Toomey: Selridge, you would need five promotions just to be an asshole.
Why it rules: Simple, yet elegant.

Full Metal Jacket
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Holy dog shit! Texas? Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy. And you don’t look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dicks?

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Pyle, I’m gonna give you three seconds, exactly three fucking seconds, to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull fuck you.

Two spring to mind, but before that, I wanted to agre with RayRay about the “like a penis only smaller” line, it’s a classic. For me though, I think the best insult is in Planes Trains and Automobiles, but not the one they suggested.

— Movie: Planes Trains and Automobiles —
Car Rental Agent: [cheerfully] Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?
Neal: Yes.
Car Rental Agent: How may I help you?
Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks! And you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!
Car Rental Agent: I really don’t care for the way you’re speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don’t care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn’t fucking there. And I really didn’t care to fucking walk, down a fucking highway, and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal: I threw it away.
Car Rental Agent: Oh boy.
Neal: Oh boy, what?
Car Rental Agent: You’re fucked!

==========
My favorite insult however, comes from The Tempest by William Shakespeare.

The play starts on a ship in stormy seas. An argument breaks out between the boatswain and a few nobles, including the King among others. The boatswain basically tells them to bugger off and let him do his job.

“None that I more love than myself. You are a counsellor; if you can command these elements to silence, and work the peace of the present, we will not hand a rope more; use your authority: if you cannot, give thanks you have lived so long, and make yourself ready in your cabin for the mischance of the hour, if it so hap. Cheerly, good hearts! Out of our way, I say.”

However, the best is yet to come. The argument continues with this brilliant insult.

“I’ll warrant him for drowning; though the ship were no stronger than a nutshell and as leaky as an unstanched wench.”

Modern translation. This ship is as leaky as a dirty whore. Ew.

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