Monday, August 9, 2010

No, I'm not happy for him. I'm not supportive. I don't want to talk to him ever again. Perhaps if our engagement had ended on a mutual decision, things would be different, but he left me in unexpected darkness and pain and confusion because he offered no real explanation for breaking off our engagement. As far as I knew then, it had nothing to do with his sexuality. As far as I knew then, he was straight, so don't go blaming me in the comments for not knowing or for trying to convince him he was straight or for trying to fix him. I'm not that girl and I'm not stupid. He started it--he pursued me, he asked me to marry him, and he decided to not marry me.

I think I've forgiven him for what his decision did to me, but that does not mean I'm going to befriend him.

Going through that breakup and the subsequent aftermath, when things just got worse instead of better like they all say they will, was one of the most horrific, self-doubting, exhausting, and difficult things I've ever had to do. At least this time it only took me 6 months to get to feeling like myself again as opposed to another betrayal years earlier--that one took 2 years and was worse overall.

Still, having made that commitment and those covenants (like he had) and being ready for the future and all that it would bring, and then to have it pulled out from underneath me in a cruel and deceitful way was a huge blow to everything I thought I wanted. It's been difficult and sad knowing what we could have had and what he threw away.

In some ways, it's gotten easier. I've had the assurance that I WILL marry in this life, and it will be to a man who is as committed to the gospel as I am, and I'm very glad I didn't get married the first time (although that, in a way, is also very sad). I'm happy in so many ways. I've come back to myself and grown as a person. I'm so strongly rooted in my faith that nothing can shake me. On the other hand, it's gotten harder; knowing what he's given up, knowing the kind of life he's leading, knowing how his family must feel about this. Knowing that we still live within 30 miles of each other and I'll have to talk to him someday. Not easy in the least.

This is what I live with every day. I recognize that pain is pain, and that everyone has it. Mine isn't necessarily bigger than anyone else's, nor is it necessarily smaller. It's not as painful as it was, but it still makes me incredibly sad sometimes. I don't really wish things were different, but I sometimes wish....you know what? I don't. I'm glad I went through this if only to realize exactly how strong I am and what I'm made of deep down. Maybe that's why I'm not in agony all the time like I could be. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I know my Savior loves me. I know that I'm a better, kinder, gentler, stronger person for having done this.

And I hope that I WILL marry someone who recognizes and values that, because I recognize and value those traits in others, and, quite honestly, I'm worth more than someone who can't love me. These things I will not compromise just to have children.