relationships 101. Secrets aren't healthy. secret friendships? definitely not healthy. Life is simpler and better when we can be open and honest with someone.....does one really want to enter into a relationship where you can't be this way? I sure wouldn't.

additionally infidelity is too often viewed from only a physical aspect. There is such a thing as emotional infidelity. If one is in an exclusive (serious relationship) one needs to be able to draw and in some cases rest abolish healthy boundaries with others. While we all need a time to vent to a trusted friend, it's not healthy when it becomes a pattern or frequent....after all do you really want to spend the rest of your life w someone who you can't confide in?

A couple thoughts:Your spouse should be your best friend. If your spouse isn't, then you need to spend some time building that friendship. You should want to share anything/anyone that is good in your life with your spouse. Something great happens - I want to share it with those I love. I am moved or intrigued by someone I meet - I want to tell those I love all about that person. That doesn't mean that they have to have the same appreciation for that person or thing, but one rejoices in what is good together. Having a friend that you keep from your spouse speaks to a fundamental selfishness. Also, it raises the question of why? Having a friend in secret begs the question of what you are trying to hide. Such a gesture/intention goes against the unity of the marriage vows and the selflessness of love.

(quote) Lynea-297530 said: When you're in a relationship that is on the marriage track, either talking marriage or officially engaged, is it ok to have friends of the opposite sex that your partner knows nothing or next to nothing about? Is this ok when you are married? Is it ok to have friends of the opposite sex that you share initimate discussions on life events, and your main relationship? I find it interesting that there are many practicing Catholics that think that there is no "cheating" if there is no physical intimacy, or no physical intimacy to the extend of the actually marriage act.

I've spoken to many priests about this, and all of them say the same thing: engaged or married couples ought to not have secret friends, whether or the opposite sex or even of the same sex.

That having been said, is not one of the main comforts of marriage the emotional bond? How can that be maintained if this sort of bond is being shared wtih others outside the marriage? Also, having close friends of either sex that are not shared with your partner is always wrong, and it is especially damaging when these close friends do not share the same marriage values and ideas.

ALSO, is it wrong to expect that one should be able to pick up their spouses cell phone and not be surprised by who their contacts are?

From what I am hearing, most infidelities in marriages occur without the intitial desire or intent, such as with a workplace affair. Sometimes people's wills are in conflict with their desire and/or intent, yet people nowadays people tend to presume that they can live by a code of morality that is half by the spirit of the culture, and half for the Lord. (Although, our Lord has some pretty choice words for people who try to straddle both camps, warning them for their lukewarmness.)

Thoughts? Please share!

Great Topic Lynea! Everyone at work and out in the world who knows you both should know you are BOTH commited to your marriage and that it is NUMBER ONE TO YOU BOTH. There should be no secret friends of the opposite sex. Even same sex friends can cause problems. Married Couples really should be each other's best friend.

Kudos, Lynea. I'm so happy to see that you stood up for what is right. I'll make sure to add you all to my prayers. May the Lord lead us to the right hearts, meant for loving us. It's a shame that person went through that. It must have been painful to go through it emotionally. I hope she will be fine.

Private friends of the opposite sex are never okay. My ex-husband had many friends in the dance groups he attended often. Due to health issues at the time, I only attended seldom. He ended up spending an inordinate amount of alone with another woman. This contributed to our separation and divorce. Shortly after he moved out from our home, he moved in with her.

Even when I knew about his friendships, the time spent apart from me took away from our relationship.

Thank God, I am now in good health, and I feel much more prepared to enter into a marriage than before my marriage, divorce, and annulment.

Even friends that you know about of the opposite sex can become "problems." Some rabbi who is also a marriage/family counselor said on the "Oprah" show that the spouse who is having an affair usually talks about the person quite frequently. It's usually a friend, co-worker, gym buddy and not some stranger.

I remember reading a letter to "Dear Abby." A woman mentioned that her husband reconnected with an old female friend on Facebook. She invited him to their hometown for a visit. The husband wanted to go and didn't ask his wife to join him. Problem? You bet.

(quote) Jeanette-848045 said: A couple thoughts:Your spouse should be your best friend. If your spouse isn't, then you need to spend some time building that friendship. You should want to share anything/anyone that is good in your life with your spouse. Something great happens - I want to share it with those I love. I am moved or intrigued by someone I meet - I want to tell those I love all about that person. That doesn't mean that they have to have the same appreciation for that person or thing, but one rejoices in what is good together. Having a friend that you keep from your spouse speaks to a fundamental selfishness. Also, it raises the question of why? Having a friend in secret begs the question of what you are trying to hide. Such a gesture/intention goes against the unity of the marriage vows and the selflessness of love.