My Name is Sandra, I'm a Survivor

My Story of Healing From Childhood Incest

My name is Sandra and I am a survivor of childhood abuse. I kept my secret about the sexual abuse for over forty years. As with most rape victims, coming forward and talking about what happened to me was the hardest thing I've ever done. It's getting easier now to tell my story about being sexually molested as a child, and I produced a video about my journey called My Name is Sandra.

I didn't really think about what happened to me as a child, until about four years ago. I'm not sure why the memories chose that time to come back, but they say it happens when you are at a point in your life that you can deal with it. I just know I started to feel really, really depressed, and then the memories of the childhood sexual abuse started playing in my mind and I couldn't seem to stop them. Little did I know that this was the beginning of my journey through hell.

The Devastating Effects of Child Incest

The Incest Price

My story of incest is not that much different from other rape victims stories of healing. The effects of childhood abuse in adulthood are often a life-long struggle for survivors. Major depression and post traumatic stress (PTSD) is common. I didn't sleep for weeks at a time and when I did fall alseep I would often be woken up by nightmares. During the daytime I couldn't concentrate because my mind kept playing out the scenes of the abuse.

When the flashbacks were really intense, I would have body memories where it felt like the abuse was happening to me all over again. The PTSD was so bad that I often blacked out for a few seconds, which was kind of scary. I spent close to two years of my life in this crisis state. I felt like I paid the incest price with my soul, because it took so much of my health.

The Courage to Heal - This Book Saved My Life

The Courage to Heal is a wonderful book full of information about what you need to do to heal. Can't tell you how glad I am that this was the first book I came across in my recovery. This book has been around for 20 years because it is one of the most comprehensive books on sexual abuse that is available. This new anniversary edition contains extra and expanded chapters, including a new section on post traumatic stress.

This book is considered the "bible" for survivors and is highly recommended as the first book to read on your healing journey. It's an absolute must-have book for any survivor.

The Road to Wellness

Battling the definition of depression

Getting well wasn't easy. The depression knocked the energy out of me and the lack of sleep affected my ability to concentrate, or think rationally. I had to simplify my life down to the basic accomplishments. My goals for each day were: 1) get out of bed, 2) get dressed, 3) eat, and 4) walk. It sounds simple enough, but almost impossible for those who are battling depression and PTSD.

I did seek therapy, but unfortunately I was too sick to realize how much damage this therapist was having on my recovery. My red flag should have been the night I tried to take my life because my therapist's voice was in my head telling me how messed up I was and how much I hurt her feelings. It took me two years to understand how this therapist was repeatedly re-traumatizing me before I changed therapists.

What I Struggle With

Healing is Hard Work

Much of my journey of how to get over being molested as a child, has been learning about the effects the abuse has had on my life. I still have body memories, I'm still afraid of people, but at least the nightmares are fewer now, and for the most part, I sleep better. I know now how important sleep is to my well-being, so when I'm having trouble sleeping I use sleep medications.

My feelings of worthlessness are a daily battle and it doesn't take much for me to convince myself that I'm a useless person. I get defeated easily and am frequently overwhelmed to the point where I can't cope. Much of what I do to stay on the track to wellness is accepting that I can't take on the world at this moment, and allowing myself to forgive what I see as my inadequacies. I try not to compare myself to others because that gets me wrapped up in the self-talk about how I have no useful purpose in life.

Some people do recover from PTSD, but others go on to suffer for years. There isn't any cure for it, and most of the help is aimed at managing the symptoms. I have frequent, intense fear responses daily. Now that I know what my triggers are I can manage them better, but sometimes they hit me out of the blue. I have different intensities of triggers where at times, I am frozen in fear for around 20 minutes and other times the trigger is so bad I end up in bed, in an almost comatose state, for a few days. Learning about these triggers has been a major step for me. Honestly, I thought I was normal and everyone went through what I do. Finding out that my experiences weren't normal was life changing for me.

I learned to turn off my emotions and numb them during the abuse. It's what abused children do to survive. As an adult, I'm still numbing my emotions. I can cry a bit now, but for the most part I'm still quite numb. I also dissociate and when I have to face the trauma in therapy, I "leave" the room. Most people experience a form of dissociation when they can't remember the drive to their destination. Children who are abused use dissociation to "leave" their bodies during the abuse as a way to cope with the horrific things that are happening to them. I'm still learning to stay present in my life, and I'm getting much better at it.

Where I am Now

A Better Place

The biggest jump I took in going forward with healing was volunteering with an organization that educates about sexual abuse prevention. Becoming a facilitator of their prevention program has been the most rewarding experience for me because I feel like I'm helping stop this epidemic. It is my hope that no other child will ever have to go through what I did. I teach people how much sexual abuse hurts, the devastating life long effects it has, and how to prevent it.

Many people are quite shocked to hear that the statistics for sexual abuse are 1 in 3 girls, and 1 in 6 boys, will be sexually abused before the age of eighteen. And those are just the reported statistics. The actual numbers are believed to be quite higher due to the secrecy that surrounds it. Most children who are abused don't tell until they are adults, and some, like me, keep the secret for years.

Teaching sexual abuse prevention has been beneficial for me in so many wonderful ways. I've never thought myself much of a public speaker, so can't tell you how rewarding it is when people ask me to come back to teach another session, or specially request that I be the one who does their training. I get so many nice comments on my evaluations that I am a dynamic speaker, personable, and empowering. For someone who has felt all their life that their voice was never heard, this is quite amazing to me that I am in such demand as a speaker and people want to hear what I have to say.

My Favorite Quote

Putting My Story on Video

My Name is Sandra

I produced a video, My Name is Sandra, as part of a survivors project to speak out about abuse. The video was hard for me to put together especially when I was scanning my childhood pictures. I had to watch it over and over as I was assembling it, and then I had to post it on YouTube. Yikes! At first, I could only bring myself to let the survivors in the group see the video, and then I took the leap and showed it to some of my friends. Then, before I knew it, people from all over the world were viewing it. Somewhere along the line it got picked up by a newspaper journalist, and a talk show host put it on their blog. I saw people sharing it on Facebook as well. I was also honored when the video was featured on the front page of the Journal of Hope and Healing.

I've received so many wonderful comments about this video. Many people say they cried, and most describe it as very powerful and moving. I am flattered that people have been so moved by my story. The success of the video in bringing attention to the devastating effects of sexual abuse, has gone beyond my wildest dreams. I've had survivors contact me and tell me they've found the strength to speak about their own abuse after seeing my video. This makes my heart sing.

I've had some sexual abuse support agencies express interest in showing the video as part of their education program and I am thrilled they want to use it. My dream is that one day someone will ask to use it in a sex offender program. Plus I'd be even more excited if I was ever invited to speak about it.

Watch My Video - My Name is Sandra - My Story of Healing from Sexual Abuse

Talking to young children about sexual abuse doesn't mean going into detail about what a child molester might do to them. Teaching them about boundaries, that their private parts are private, and talking about not keeping secrets is a non-threatening way to bring up the subject. For very young children the focus is on "personal safety" and not a scary discussion about child molesters. Please take a moment to protect your kids and read one of these books to them. I wish someone had taken the time to read one of them to me.

Do You Take Steps to Protect Children from Sexual Abuse? - Or just leave a note to say you stopped by

No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.

sending

Amy Trumpeter 3 years agofrom Oxford

What an amazing story. It's so good to see people who are willing to share experiences to help others.

Author

rainydaz 4 years ago

@donnetted: Thank you for your kind words.

Donnette Davis 4 years agofrom South Africa

I had to come by and bless this lens. I am about to watch the video again. You do have strength and courage, far beyond what you can imagine. Thank you for sharing your story and helping the millions of others out there who are also suffering or have suffered in the same manner.

anonymous 5 years ago

I was very moved by your story. I love the ten things you did to help yourself heal.

MiaMusement 5 years ago

I'm so glad you're in a better place, Sandra. I actually used that quotation when I decided to quit feeding my nicotine addiction 10+ years ago. We are imperfectly perfect... ;-)

LiliLove 5 years ago

Sandra, you're very brave for sharing your story! I'm sure this page will help others, too! Sending you lots of love and hugs!

Didijudy 5 years agofrom Canada

Being a survivor of child abuse, believe me that my child was informed at an early age. Now that I have nieces and nephews, I always have an eye opened when there are children around to protect them. They have been talked to about sexual abuse at an early age also. Trust is a big word!!

My uncle abused his daughter, my sister, myself and many others when we were very young. It is a long process to recovery but it's all worth it. One day at a time is a step forward to opening your heart and to breaking that protection wall that keeps you locked up inside. Oh my....wrote a chapter here. Thank you for all your lenses and to spreading out the word to all those innocent souls out there! God Bless you all! Be Safe!

Essentially Ind 5 years ago

Nice to know that you are now in better situation............:)

Birthday Wishes 5 years agofrom Here

Omg, what a story... It must have been very hard to share...

nifwlseirff 5 years ago

Survivors are so strong and brave, we have to be. It's a scar that will never fully disappear - it makes us what we are. But we can heal, and learn to manage, step by step. Thank you for sharing your story - and supporting other survivors.

CraftaholicVete 5 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story, oddly enough I felt like you were telling my story as well. I hate to be touched as well and I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with my husband but I am already a mother and it took me until my son was 6 before I could accept a hug at any given moment. Before then, he had to give me warning . Kind of sad I think but it happened. Now he is 21 and I crave his hugs. Us survivors need to stick together and as long as we have a good support system it makes things a bit better. I am a writer so that helps me cope as well. Thanks again for sharing your story.

Trisha Cornelius 5 years agofrom Gauteng, South Africa

Thanks for sharing and I absolutely love that quote. You are right, Survivors do Rock!

Peggy Hazelwood 5 years agofrom Desert Southwest, U.S.A.

You're very brave. Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your story.

OMENA777 5 years ago

Sandra, you are a brave soul for coming out of the shadows and sharing your story. Healing is a solo journey blessed by many. I send you love, energy and light on your journey.

Onemargaret LM 5 years ago

God bless you, Sandra. I am so glad you are on your way to healing. All healing takes time but nothing is too great to bear.

Author

rainydaz 5 years ago

@sherioz: Thank you for your kind comments and the blessing!

sherioz 5 years ago

Just came back here for another visit and to leave you a blessing. The video is so moving.

Author

rainydaz 5 years ago

@wi11iams0314: My abuse wasn't all by one person either. Bringing child abuse prevention awareness to your community is a wonderful way to speak out. Give yourself credit, that's pretty awesome! We all tell our stories in different ways. Do what's comfortable for you whether that is journaling your story to yourself on paper, or shouting it out to the world with a video. Start telling your story from the beginning if you don't know where to start. Then decide who, if anyone, you want to share it with. I know many survivors who have blogged about their stories. You can set a blog to be private so no one can read it, or you can make it public (maybe another survivor will benefit from reading about your journey). There are so many ways to tell your story with todays technology. Good luck on your journey!

wi11iams0314 5 years ago

I would like to say I love what you have done. I am a survivor as well and I want to tell my story but it wasn't all by one person so can you tell me where or how to start. I already do an event for child abuse prevention bringing awareness to my community. But what more can I do.

Mamabyrd 5 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am glad you have been able to overcome such a terrible experience.

Expat Mamasita 5 years agofrom Slovakia

Thank you for sharing this with us. A very moving story.

Echo Phoenix 5 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story:) Your video is amazing, I cried all the way thru yet pleased to say that the painful tears gave way to joyous ones at the end. The video is very powerful... You are more than a survivor, You are Triumphant!

BestRatedStuff 5 years ago

Thanks so much for sharing both your experience and how to do our part to reduce (hopefully completely stop) this horrific, yet prevalent abuse.

Stress-Coach 5 years ago

fantastic resource...which will greatly help others...and a reminder that some therapists can be dangerous...i wish you all th best

Michelle 5 years agofrom Central Ohio, USA

Thank you for having the courage to tell your story. You've saved lives! Squid Angel blessed.

Author

rainydaz 5 years ago

@Tlccabin: Hi Tracy, glad you are finding your way on this journey. Thank you for being so strong and posting here.

Tlccabin 5 years ago

Dear Sandra,

10, 000 thank yous for sharing your story and this message. My name is Tracy and I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and like you have found great comfort in "The Courage to Heal," meditation, emdr as well as yoga. I have so much more to say...but mostly thank you, so very grateful for you!

Love, tracy

Dan 5 years agofrom CNY

You are right about the statistics....I guess a lot of just don't want to think that it happens to that many children. That we want to believe that it happens to someone elses child in another place. Nice lens.

LiftingTheClouds 5 years ago

Thank you for sharing, healing is such hard work but sadly many never get there. Be well.

This is such a beautiful lens on such an important, critical topic. Thank you for writing with such compassion.

Mary Norton 5 years agofrom Ontario, Canada

I was stunned by the statistics you showed here and feel strongly for those who have to go through this. I wish them healing just like what happened to you.

saneTV 5 years ago

Thanks for sharing your story and the resources. I have been thinking about trying EMDR. I am going to look into it.

glowchick 5 years ago

It's always a brave thing to share your story of a painful past with others~ you do have meaning to those who you have touched with your healing journey and gives them courage to do the same.

God Bless You!

Kay 5 years ago

I've known too many people who have experienced this abuse. (((Hugs))) to you because I know it is not always sharing the pain we've been through.

Author

rainydaz 5 years ago

@themeanviolets: Sorry you have experienced it too. Wish the world understood better the damage sexual abuse does, maybe then it would stop. Glad you found peace.

themeanviolets 5 years ago

Your story touched me. Thanks for sharing with us. I'm a recoverer myself and understand what you have been through. God Bless :-)

MelonyVaughan 5 years ago

Your story is a very sad one, however I am glad you decided to share your journey through healing with everyone else. Thank you for providing invaluable advice and resources. God bless!

anonymous 5 years ago

Thank you for your courage and your commitment to turning something so devastating into learning insights for others. I commend you and I wish you continued strength.

anonymous 5 years ago

You are very brave Sandra! Thank you for sharing your story with us! All the best to you!

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rainydaz 5 years ago

@musicluv4life: No child deserves to live with abuse of any kind. Hoping you find peace.

Author

rainydaz 5 years ago

@missesq10: Wishing you peace and strength on your journey.

missesq10 5 years ago

Thank you for sharing...I too am a survivor. Your courage to share your story of survival is going to be strength to other survivors!

TriciaLymeMom 5 years ago

Thank you so much for putting this together. This is one of my top fears for my kids. I've been working with my kids and we have a little saying: "private places are private, no one sees, no one touches" but my daughter is so trusting it scares me sometimes. I'll be looking at some of the books for kids you've posted. Blessings.

LouisaDembul 5 years ago

This is a real concern to me as a mother, and I do regularly teach my kids about boundaries. I also encourage them to come to me with whatever they have on their minds. I never want them to experience what you have gone through.

wheresthekarma 5 years ago

Hugs to you Sandra!

thewebartists 5 years ago

You are brave Sandra, i believe that you can do a-lot for those who are suffering from Sexual abuses,

dishwashersign 5 years ago

Best to you Sandra.

Shorebirdie 5 years agofrom San Diego, CA

You are very brave. I know what you mean about therapists, some do more harm than good. I sometimes wonder how some people manage to get a job as a therapist when they treat people poorly.

tricomanagement 5 years ago

I understand all too well - an absolutely correct and sobering Lens

musicluv4life 5 years ago

you should be pround of yourself, dont let what happend to you as a kid effect your future! i had to deal with physical abuse as a child and now i am suffering from anxeity i dont know if its related but, ive learned to take one step at a time and be positive.

ivanjuras 5 years ago

Thanks for sharing your story. You are brave.

Author

rainydaz 5 years ago

@cajkovska lm: There are definitely too many of us. Glad you found happiness and healing on your journey.

privresearch 5 years ago

You are a very strong woman! You should be very proud of yourself. We all are!

miaponzo 5 years ago

You are very brave in sharing your story! Blessed!

priscillab 5 years ago

I admire your courage to talk about your experience. You are right- we MUST talk about this in order to help protect others from it. As a mom I most definitely had a very open relationship with my kids that we did talk about sexual abuse and how no one has the right to touch them/make them feel uncomfortable. Thank you for sharing your story in order to help others.

cajkovska lm 5 years ago

I was sexual abused in age of eleven... and I keep the secret inside me for 22 years. At age of 33 it all come out and I started to feel depressed... I didn't sleep, eat, go outside of my apartment, couldn't go to work,... I went to teraphist, but I didn't felt any better... And then I meet a man, who helped me go through with it with lots of love, talking and I realized that that day must come... I must talked out about it... becouse now I'm done with it and live normal life... with my rescue Man :)

Author

rainydaz 5 years ago

@Ruthi: Thank you for your sunshine and your wonderful work on Arising Against Abuse.

aquarian_insight 5 years ago

You are an amazing soul and the courage you show in both dealing with the abuse you experienced and sharing your story is an example to us all. It is astonishing how many children are abused and your story will help so many people. Thank you so much.

duslan 5 years ago

Thank you for being brave enough to share this story.

Ruthi 5 years ago

WoW! I am almost speechless but definitely not tearless. The power in your presentation of your personal battle with the devastating effects of child sexual abuse is overwhelmingly amazing. My spirit goes out to you. I have been there. You have my blessings and a bit o' sunshine for your lens.

pawpaw911 5 years ago

Very moving. I am so sorry you had to endure this. No child should have to.

amkatee 5 years ago

your video is wonderful and very well made.

gemjane 5 years ago

You are very courageous, Sandra. Thank you for writing about this subject. This is a very sad story--you are doing a lot of good with it. Hope this helps prevent a lot of hurt. There are a lot of people who have no idea of the great harm that is done both by the perpetrators and the ones who know but are afraid to do anything about it. May your courage give courage to those who have power to change things for the abused children in their lives!

Julia Morais 5 years ago

It is sad that many people don't see the signs of abuse in children. Your past was a nightmare, but using it now to inspire and help other people is wonderful. You're a beautiful person. Never stop believing that.

LynetteBell 5 years agofrom Christchurch, New Zealand

thank you for sharing your touching story

Matthew 5 years agofrom Silicon Valley

I wan to thank you for the courage it takes to share a story such as yours. It is horrifying how common abuse is and I can pray that with people as brave as you in sharing, hopefully we can beat this terrible thing.

anonymous 5 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story, it will go around the world and many. I admire your strength and courage, and for becoming an advocate. Bless you!

anonymous 5 years ago

You are very special, and sharing your story will help so many others. Thank you for inspiring us here. Blessings...

Eileen 5 years agofrom Western Cape , South Africa

You have so much courage ; your lens is very inspirational . Thanks for sharing.

MarcellaCarlton 5 years ago

I loved this lens. Very intense subject. You are very brave.

Stephanie Tietjen 5 years agofrom Albuquerque, New Mexico

I just want to say that Survivors Do Rock! You rock. Your story is so so real, so touching, and what you've done with your experience is awesome. Your transformation is inspiring, not just for sexual abuse survivors. You seem like an artist, art is healing. I'm crying and I didn't even watch your video yet, I'm going to do it now. Thanks

wilfredpadilla 5 years ago

Wow! You are an inspiration!

anonymous 5 years ago

I would rather leave a note to say I was here! And additionally, I would also like to appreciate your "inner strength" which voluntarily or subconsciously is giving you the strength to be the guiding voice! Shared to the few who matter! :))

JEMArtistry 5 years ago

You are a true survivior and an inspiration! All my best to you. :)

ninakreativa 5 years ago

Sandra, I this lens should be seen by all squidoo and non-squidoo fans. Especially to raise awareness about the subject you are writing in this lens. Thumbs up for you, you are a magnificent woman!

anonymous 5 years ago

I wish you all the best.

RosemaryB 5 years ago

You are an inspirations Sandra. As a mother of two beautiful girls I have been aware from day one about protecting them without cosseting them from the world. It is a fine balance and one many parents work with every day.

DLeighAlexander 5 years ago

Thank you for sharing. Your video is touching, inspiring, and well done. Hopefully it will go forth to educate and help many through increased awareness.

Although our stories of survival are different, I can personally relate to many of the things you talk about in this page. I know what courage it takes to tell your story of abuse. And I pray that your life now is happy, contented, safe, and daily healed from the pain and damage.

And know you are making the world better by speaking up. Thank you!

Dana Marie 5 years agofrom St. Peters, MO

What courage! Thank you for raising awareness on this subject. It happens around us more often than most know. Praying for contuinued growth and healing. :)

fullofshoes 5 years ago

A beautiful piece of work and a courageous effort. I am also a survivor...and I applaud you. Congratulations on your very well deserved Purple Star.

Author

rainydaz 5 years ago

@anonymous: Hi Kathy, I'm okay with you sharing it, but would like to know where you are sharing it. You can contact me directly by going to the top right hand corner of this page. Click on the picture or "survivorsrock" and you'll be taken to my profile page. There's a contact button underneath my picture. Be sure to send your email address.

anonymous 5 years ago

Sandra

What a job you did with the video. I would love to share and get a copy of it.

A survivor too.

Kathy

kevingomes13 lm 5 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story. I know it must have been tough writing this and me and many others appreciate it.

anonymous 5 years ago

I was reading your lens on anxiety and followed the link to your page. This an incredibly diifficult topic for any parent to face with their children, especially when you have girls. There's always a fear of what could happen. Thank you for sharing your story. Our prayers are with you.

davenjilli lm 5 years ago

Sharing what is often held so close to protect us is so difficult..thank you for letting us heal with you.A very good, though, young friend of mine was abused as an elementary school student, she chose me to share with to overcome her hurt. After many years of counseling she is pretty normal. Sexual abuse is so damaging...quid blessings for your courage.

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rainydaz 6 years ago

@surpriseitsme: There are way too many of us. May you find peace on your journey.

surpriseitsme 6 years ago

I ran into your lens from the squid u forum. Thank you Sandra for being so courageous! I hope you know how important speaking out publicly is for us not so brave survivors.

lftypjk900 6 years ago

Dear Sandra, Good luck to you in all you do. It took alot of courage to write down what happened to you and I am sure this will help you heal. I wish you all the best things life has to offer, never give up! Love your lens!

darciefrench lm 6 years ago

Very powerful story of what it takes to recover from child sexual abuse. It is like we had left the body and it's trauma and then suddenly return. It takes a strong heart to keep beating through the realizations and memories that surface. It's tough. You did it. I like your basic therapies - get up, get dressed, eat and walk. A good way to lead a contemplative life through the logic of higher understanding, even amidst the debilitating effects of depression. Thank-you for telling your story.

charlb 6 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure that someone passing through this ordeal will find a lot of comfort and knowledge from your experience. You are a very brave woman!

Jules Corriere 6 years agofrom Jonesborough TN

Thank you so much for sharing such a powerful story.

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rainydaz 6 years ago

@norma-holt: Thank you for featuring my page and for the blessing. I hope one day sexual abuse will stop.

norma-holt 6 years ago

Wonderfully told story and so glad it has a happy ending. Unfortunately children are the victims simply because they are afraid to speak up. Blessed and featured on Blessed by Skiesgreen 2012 and also on Child Abuse Child Murder. Hugs.

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rainydaz 6 years ago

@pnick22: Oh my, thank you so much for nominating my video for an Academy Award...lol. You are very kind. There are so many survivors, I don't think many people realize how prevalent sexual abuse is, or the devastating effects from it.

pnick22 6 years ago

Your lens is one of the best I've seen so far and kudos for your courage to create that video for You tube. I would nominate it for the Academy Award, as it could help so many who were abuse and are being abused by family members.This is the least reported of all the abuses. I've seen the ramifications of abuse that brings a client to my service. Usually, it shows up as depression, a chronic pain that worsens, insomnia, etc. As we work through with meridian tapping or energy medicine, the root of the problem appears to be sexual abuse as a child or a teenager.

I will be bookmarking this lens.

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rainydaz 6 years ago

@paxtongeller: That is so kind of you, thank you!

BuddyBink 6 years ago

Thank you for sharing this. The video is amazing. You have a wonderful and valuable talent. You are a blessing to all those who are saved as a result of your strength and message.

paxtongeller 6 years ago

Many of your lenses deserve purple star, Sandra.

Donnette Davis 6 years agofrom South Africa

An amazing story, courageously shared with us, thank you so very much for allowing us into your world and for providing encouragement and light to others who have experienced similar situations.