Advice from a Domestic Goddess

I have never claimed to be Suzy Homemaker, but I do like a certain semblance of order around me. And so I ask myself why most of my clothes are on my bedroom floor when I have a large, beautiful closet? They range from clean, sort of clean, not so clean, almost dirty and just plain dirty. The problem is I don’t know which clothes are which. In a pinch I take advantage of the ever popular “sniff test.”

I have admirable intentions, honest, but rarely do they come to fruition. Some days I decide to hang everything in my closet and forget about using a dresser. Does that mean I should hang up the clothes that I just took off because they are almost clean and could be worn again? When this phase passes, I opt to fold all my clothes and place them in a dresser drawer.This presents the same dilemma. What do I do with the almost clean clothes? Both methods end with failure.

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Just wondering how often men dry clean their suits and did you know doctors’ neckties are covered in pathogens?

I could always subscribe to the “just hang your clothes over a chair” approach. Five labeled chairs would work ― one chair per category.

Hey, I just had a brainwave. This is even a better idea. This original solution will finally put an end to the clean and dirty laundry dilemma. On Monday morning I will choose my outfit for the week, yes one per week. Keep reading. Most days, I have transitioned to my pajamas by 5 p.m.

As soon as I am pajama clad, I will put my clothes from the day in the washer and then the dryer. Clean clothes will be waiting for me when I get up. Fortunately, most of my clothes are dark or mostly dark which avoids sorting. What will people think if I appear to wear the same clothes every day? That’s an easy one. 99.9% of people couldn’t tell you what I was wearing five minutes ago let alone what I wore yesterday. Just so you know, I am wearing black yoga pants from Old Navy and a black and white striped shirt from Forever 21.

Establishing a new habit requires effort. For years, I read that it takes 21 days to establish a new habit and I accepted this as the truth for more than forty years. If I made my bed 21 days in a row, I would continue to make my bed every day for the rest of my life. All this time I thought there was something wrong with me. Not so fast —as it turns out, that theory has been debunked.

Although I have hinted loosely that my bedroom is a bit of a mess, you will be relieved to know that usually the rest of my house looks okay. A spotless house is highly overrated. I consider myself a “reluctant homemaker.”

I can tell you from experience that it is difficult to distinguish between one week’s worth of dust and three weeks’ worth. I have found dust is best when undisturbed. (It may be time to break out the furniture polish if your children/grandchildren are using your coffee table to play school.)

Why wipe down a clean fridge or microwave?

So what if the suitcases from last winter’s holiday have not been taken to the basement? In a few months you will be needing them again anyway. Isn’t that a waste of enrgy?

I know it’s time to clean the oven when the smoke alarm goes off every time I open it. I have only had to call 911 once and that was over twenty years ago.

If you want to impress visitors, put out a stepladder, a pail of water and rag. They will think you were busy washing walls.

Don’t like that idea? Then throw a bit of flour on your face and carry a BIG rolling pin.

Are you too afraid to visit our house after reading my confession? No need to worry. I devote myself to housework from 10-11 a.m. each and every day as long as the day has the letter “m” in it and falls on an even number in a month that has 31 days.

It is safe to sit on the furniture, to eat our food and to to use our toilet — in that order. We won’t send you home with a tummy ache from salmonella, listeria, hoof and mouth disease or fleas. No, no, no.

Our goal is to send you home with sore ribs and exhausted from too much laughter. Don’t bother going to the doctor. She won’t even do anything if your ribs are broken.

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I sometimes need a map to find my way around. I find when the urge to clean hits, I get one space cleaned up and then the urge leaves and by the time the cleaning urge comes back I can’t find where I stopped. Years ago I was sitting in Dr. Jim Robbins waiting room and eavesdropped on two ladies talking. They were probably in their late 60s to early 70s. One was complaining about trying to get her house cleaning done and how hard it was because of her health issues. The other one replied ” Yes , I get that urge to clean to but I sit down and wait for it to pass.” That is when I decided that I would want to be like the second lady so that’s what I am in training for.