Movie review: 'Aquaman' is a waterlogged mess

Dana Barbuto The Patriot Ledger

Thursday

Dec 20, 2018 at 1:23 AMDec 20, 2018 at 8:05 PM

The idea of an Aquaman movie was deemed so ridiculous that it was satirized on HBO’s “Entourage.” Even more so, the Protector of the Deep has often been the target of mean barbs tossed on “The Big Bang Theory,” “South Park” and “Family Guy,” where he was called lame and his costume “stupid.” And yet, in spite of being labeled one of the lesser heroes in the Justice League, here we are with “Aquaman,” the big budget DC superhero movie that is already an international blockbuster, earning $261.3 million.

The overseas success is a real head-scratcher because, well, “Aquaman” is all wet, despite an actor in Jason Momoa, who is the poster boy for brute-force beefcake. And, even with those pecs and a talented action/horror director in James Wan (“Furious 7,” “The Conjuring,” “Insidious,” “Saw”) behind the camera, “Aquaman” drowns in cheesy one-liners, soap-opera dialogue, bad acting, overwrought CGI, superhero clichés galore, and don’t even get me started on the convoluted fight scenes. You simply cannot tell who’s striking whom when any fisticuffs go down. And OMG: Stop it with the endless reverb, already. Every time a character sticks the landing or throws a bad guy into a wall, he (or she) lands with the same synthesized thud. I still have a headache. All “Aquaman” does is harsh the superhero chill so dazzlingly provided by “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.” Tell me again why we have an “Aquaman” movie? And one that is 143 minutes long? After bombing with “Man of Steel,” “Suicide Squad” and “Justice League,” it’s time for DC to stop trying to keep up with the Marvel Universe. Just stick with Gal Gadot and Patty Jenkins on the “Wonder Woman” franchise.

Wan’s "Aquaman" is a superhero origin story, with very little surprises up its gills, except for three amusing scenes: a barroom sequence when Aquaman’s alter-ego, Arthur Curry, takes selfies with biker dudes; Dolph Lundgren riding a seahorse; and Nicole Kidman swallowing a goldfish. It’s high camp at its best. The rest is all tripe and chum, as Wan shuffles through the prefunctoris of Arthur being the son of a lighthouse keeper (Temuera Morrison) and the princess of Atlantis (Kidman).

The film’s prologue shows how the couple meets cute when she washes up at his station on Amnesty Bay in Maine. A few frames later, Arthur is born and it’s not long before Mom is forced to return to Atlantis, never to be heard from again. Having grown up half-human, half-Atlantean, Arthur (played by six different actors during his formative years) can talk to fish, breathe underwater and control the oceans. He first discovers his powers after classmates tease him at the Boston aquarium, where the aquatic creatures come to his rescue by freaking out his bullies. Willem Dafoe’s Vulko is sent to train the young half-breed, Yoda style.

Grown-up Arthur, who loves to guzzle beer, has not one, but two nemeses to contend: half-brother, Orm (Patrick Wilson), and Black Manta (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II). Orm seeks to unite the seven undersea kingdoms, become Ocean Master, and wage war on the “surface dwellers” for all the pollution they have dumped into the ocean. Black Manta is avenging his father’s death, which occurs at the beginning of the movie.

Much ado is made over Arthur’s “bastard” or “half-breed” status, which causes him to feel like he doesn’t belong either above or below water. #MetaHumanProblems. His validation comes via his quest to retrieve Poseidon’s legendary trident and make a splash with Princess Meara (Amber Heard). “You are the bridge between land and sea,” the aquababe tells him.

Arthur is characterized as a roguish hero with a sly sense of humor. And when called upon, Momoa can be really funny. Therein lies the problem: There’s not nearly enough Momoa tapping into the charismatic side of his fishman character. Most of the time, he’s just a big oaf beating up baddies on land and by sea.

Visually, Wan creates an expansive underwater world resplendent in purples, pinks, turquoises and Heard’s flaming red hair. The subaquatic universe is populated with mermaids, drum-playing octopi, giant seahorses, sharks, and other marine life. Thematically, Wan sticks to his message about two different worlds coming together in harmony. But it’s a rough ride once swept into a wake of expository nonsense. It left me seasick. Pass the dramamine!

Dana Barbuto may be reached at dbarbuto@patriotledger.com or follow her on Twitter @dbarbuto_Ledger.