Tag: diary

I laid my head on his chest and listened to his immensely slow and relaxed heartbeat. Just the touch of his skin made me as nervous as the first night I spent with him. I felt like I was drowning in emotion.

There in his bed midmorning, I traced the words I was too afraid to say out loud with my fingertips. With my touch I said “I love you” and I melted into his body.

I imagined, how could have I gone so long without him this close to me? Ignoring his pursuits for so long and leaving him to be with someone else..

Everything has changed since then.

But my pride shakes me to the core, I will never tell him that I love him first. Considering he has had long-term girlfriends before and I have always been the one to say ‘I love you’ first to pervious boyfriends, I think it’s time for him to confess his love for me.

Stubborn, I know, but it’s what I’ve decided.

Each new day I spend with him I want to vomit the disgusting little phrase out of my mouth as if it was a sickness plaguing my body. Me, Jillian, not commonly known to let men get the best of me or one to communicate my emotions, was and is undoubtedly drunk in love. A feeling so foreign I didn’t know what to do with myself.

First, I tried rejecting it by bottling up my feelings and turning it into a Molotov Cocktail. Then, I tried ignoring it by making a list of things I didn’t like about him. When neither of those worked, he dared to say things to me like “there is always room for you in my schedule” or “you know you love me.” The audacity, the repugnant odor of his hubris was my fatal attraction. I was hooked.

Our love affair had made it through the end of summer and through the weekend outings. It progressed from talking only twice a week through Snapchat message to consistent text messaging every day. My presence at his birthday party was his present in October but by Christmas we were exchanging gifts with one another. He was my New Years kiss and will be my Valentine. By the way it looks, he’ll make it through spring and celebrate with me my 25th birthday in May.

To tell you the truth I don’t even know when the dating stage turns into the relationship stage. But things are going smoothly, for now. Sooner or later though one of us has to crack and admit defeat in this little game of love. Lord knows it’s not going to be me.

After spending the holidays with my lover, I decided to spend some time with my lover of 12 years. So, my best friend Stephanie and I left the suburbs and trekked to the city where my heart longs to be, Los Angeles.

I spent the day daydreaming about a fabulous life in downtown, walking in my 6 inch Timberland Glancy boots, repping my giant gold hoop earrings, eating at the Grand Central Market during the lunch rush hour.

While enjoying my seafood paella I realized that three weeks into 2018 my personal goals have never been more adamant. Stephanie and I made a list of resolutions for us to have and to meet for the new year: to loyal friendships and relationships, to career growth, to new travels, and to a bigger wallet.

Already, I feel something inside me changing. I feel celestial but also earthly, like the moon guiding the current of the ocean and the waves creeping back and forth onto the shore. Like I’m finding the happy medium with the person I’m becoming.

I found solace in Amy Winehouse’s lyrics and admiration in Frida Kahlo’s photography. I also have a regeneration in self help using cooking and exercise as my therapy sessions.

I worry less about what my significant other does on social media and have little to no worry at all about his past relationships. I’ve advanced in not jumping the gun when it comes to dating. Taking things slow and at my own pace. In return, I’ve found my heart growing in all different directions.

If 2016 was the “Year of Yes” and 2017 was the “Year of Uncertainty,” then 2018 is the “Year of Self.”

Making lists and writing things down help organize my thoughts so here are just some things I’ve jotted down for 2018.

♥

-Plan a trip to NYC (Xmas time or earlier, watch a game at MSG or Yankee Stadium, drink a Manhattan in Manhattan)

-Buy a Nikon camera for blog

-Plan a trip to Vegas for Cinco de Mayo or go to Miami for my birthday

-Write about makeup and politics and how they’re intertwined; write a piece for Los Angeles Affairs

His shoulders, broader than a mountain range; at six feet and one inch off the ground there wasn’t an ounce of body fat on him. His skin, brown like the stem of flower but soft like its petal, is my favorite part of him.

A few tattoos distinguish him from others; his mother’s maiden name and father’s last name juxtaposed on each tricep, his mother and sister’s first name in between a bed of roses on his right bicep, and a matching “Est. 1991” to his brother’s “Est. 1984” on their respective ribcage. True to his Mexican heritage and completing his collection is the phrase “Familia es Primera” inked across his chest.

The dominant male trait of his family is a nose that’s too big for their face. Distinctive, large and even a uncle only known as “Nariz”.

A single mole dotted on his upper right cheek is the smallest feature on his face. His dimples were even larger than his birthmark. His hard, masculine facial traits could be rough on the eyes but to me they balanced out well.

To be honest actually, I wasn’t even attracted to him when we first met. It was his persistence; his consistent effort to talk to me, to go out of his way to visit me while I was at work and approach me still while he was working that attracted me. I became more in awe of him through his personality.

If his superpower was to make people at ease then it was my kryptonite. He was so easy to be around, like I never had to try to impress him. Our characters different but they complemented each other. Where sports and athleticism rule his world, arts and beauty rule mine.

Recently I bought a book on astrology and read that our signs are compatible in the sense we are polar opposites. Our law of attraction is that my fixed earth sign Taurus and his fixed water sign Scorpio attract each other because we fulfill what the other lacks. Still, as I continue to learn more about him we will see if this forecasting is true.

In his inner sphere where I’ve meticulously tipped toed into his life I’ve learned that he prefers the intimacy of a relationship, that is, staying inside and spending time alone away from outside influences.

In his outer sphere he has always been competitive and has always been up to no good. A notorious group of friends from what I’ve heard, that do everything together. Imagine, him and five of his male friends went on a Euro trip last winter! Exactly.

But, alas, I have the privilege of saying he opened his bottle of wine that he brought back from Portugal on the first night we spent with each other.

Now that I’ve gone off on a tangent I think I’ll end here. To me, he is the version that the is diminutive of his first name, but to everyone else he is the diminutive of his last name, which is also a fruit turned into a cookie bar (care to take a guess?).

In your twenties, life is about completing the ultimate trifecta of the A-B-C.

In no particular order we’re always looking for an Apartment, looking for a Boyfriend, or looking for a Career. To have one is luck, to have two is smarts, to have all three is damn near impossible.

But now that I’ve managed to finesse my way into a man’s heart, I have to somehow use that same charm and persuasion to finesse my way into employment. If it’s not already clear, my true love is to write. It is to share stories and find words that match feelings and play on words that conceptualize different moods; my writing is short and sweet, simple and sexy.

However, as a multi-media millennial I am not limited to only freeform writing. In college I studied film and video editing, pre and post production work, wrote scripts for a magazine style talkshow and was a beat writer for the Hispanic culture on campus. I even had a YouTube channel once but that is still a work in progress.

I graduated Class of 2016 with a BA in Communications, an emphasis on Journalism. My ~current~ dream is to have my own column and write for publications like The New Yorker or The Los Angeles Times or Teen Vogue. I’m thinking Selena Quintanilla meets Sex and the City meets Daria.

On my academic quest of exploring the different capacities of journalism, I found that I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my career path. My first internship was at a sports writing blog which turned out to be very difficult as I had no background (or real knowledge then) in sports. My second internship was purely for traveling purposes. I spent a summer in Spain working at an online travel blog where I had a Spanish love affair. My third internship was at a major broadcast company in Los Angeles and this is where I left my last, most current step in journalism.

As you can see, I’ve been all over the place but it’s still difficult for me to chose one direct path when I’m interested in it all. That’s why this little blog is here to help me. I’m hoping I can perfect my craft in writing while still being able to post different media platforms on this site. Sooner or later I’ll be sharing my own digital work that shows I can work with video and photo editing software. Eventually, I’ll also start to market my blog through hyperlinking different content and endorsing my social media. The goal is to get noticed and who knows, maybe one day become viral.

2018. The year I move out. The year I begin a career. The year I reach my twenty-fifth orbit around the sun.

These resolutions are the requirements I have set to meet this year, fulfilling this blog is also included. In my downtime of not looking for a job or someone/something to keep me busy, I will contribute to this blog to document such struggles.

These posts will reflect myself and my own experiences as a young woman searching for the pinnacle of my 20-something life. While currently I’m stuck in the purgatory of recent grad hell and finding a love life, I’d like to say I’m pushing and pulling quite nicely between the two.

But anyways, let’s start off by properly introducing myself. My name is Jillian, but to my friends and family I’m known as Jill (although I prefer the former). Typical suburban girl who dreams of moving to Los Angeles. Overdramatic, anxious but funny, genuine. Typical Mexican girl who loves reggaeton and micheladas. Taurus. Two best friends, two siblings, two pet dogs. Loyal to Los Angeles home sports teams. Fanatic for Real Madrid soccer team. Makeup and online shopping for now.

So let’s begin. Love is a tricky game, but I’m sure you knew that.

In the wonderful abyss that is of uncertainty, excitement, and pleasure I’m stuck deep in the depths known as the dating stage. My man who is not really my man is someone I met through mutual friends. He is my weakness; tall, dark, cute with his diamond stud earrings. He makes me nervous and he makes me laugh but always flirting between the two.

Our attraction to each other stemmed from the forbidden apple in the tree. We were both in relationships, looking but never touching. For almost a year the sexual tension was the elephant in the room. It was heavy. Large and kind of a burden. Our conversations were short but our glances were long. We were the type that just needed a little push. Then when both our titles were removed, we knew what we had to do. It was a late night, too late for bars to be open but early enough for the night owls to be awake. We were together… and it was fun.

Now in its third month of scandalous nights and good morning texts, what’s next for this whirlwind I couldn’t possibly tell you.

Where I stand right now is a want for companionship, possibly open for a relationship. But with love you can’t trust yourself letting your feelings takeover. In the beginning, it’s an overdose of endorphins. In that moment of mid smirk, eyelock then kiss, you’re getting high on your own supply and then you’re hooked. When you come back down to planet earth you realize what you’re putting on the line and that is, your heart.

For me, to experience love is to have a guard up and test how long I can last without bringing it down.

Was it safe to open up and start over again? Was it safe to invest my time into someone that I already knew had a notorious past? I didn’t care.