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Monday, August 31, 2009

Clear Out a Guest Room…

Teeter-tottering back and forth on the scale. Small gain this week, small loss next.

Three good days, one bad weekend.

Nothing that allows you to get any traction.

I feel for you; I really do. I read blogs by people who can’t seem to get going with their weight loss efforts, can’t seem to make that spark happen, and it makes me want to go to their house and bang on the flint with ‘em. It makes me want to drop everything and make it my mission to push them… push you… up that hard-to-climb hill.

You know what I’d do?

I’d drag you, kicking and screaming if I had to, to the gym every day. “How about an ‘off” day?” you’d cry. “How about a ‘Fat Off’ Day?” I’d respond. I’d find whatever it is that motivates you… kind words, gentle prodding or harsh taunting… and I’d coax a good half hour to 45 minutes out of you. You’d hate me at the end of it, but you’d hate me with a smile on your sweaty mug.

I’d fix you stay-at-home dinners that would both intrigue you and fill you up, enough so that you might not have the urge to sneak back to the pantry before bedtime (not that it would matter, since I would have filled a Hefty bag with every processed snack product I could find). I’d insist that we eat slowly and drink lots of water during dinner. I’d remind you that you don’t have to scrape the plate clean. With my cooking, you probably won’t need that much urging.

I’d unplug your TV and computer at 10 p.m. or so and shoo you to bed. F*ck the beauty sleep; you need energy sleep.

I’d get you up bright and early and feed you a hearty breakfast. “I can’t lose weight eating like this,” you’d protest, and I’d just smile a knowing smile. “Don’t forget the lunch I packed you.” Before you left, I’d take the money out of your wallet because… well, let’s just say I don’t quite trust you yet.

We’d go on long walks, you and I. Long, brisk walks. We’d talk about our hopes and dreams, our goals and aspirations, my endless collection of really stupid jokes. Whatever. Important stuff or not. The walking’s the important thing.

If you hate your job, I mean really and truly despise it, then I’d plot and plan with you to figure out some way to either make it better for yourself or help you find a new one. You hate your body… that’s enough things to hate for one person at one time.

I’d make you so many smoothies you’d start to cringe when you heard the blender fire up, and there’s one question I’d refuse to answer: “What’s in this anyway?”

Don’t think I’d be doing this for completely selfless reasons either. One of the reasons I spend so much time on these blogs is that I feed off the spirit of others who are facing (and overcoming) the same hurdles and challenges that I am. We’re all on our own, at the end of the day, but we’re all in this together, too. I draw energy from that idea.

And speaking of energy, I’d do everything I could to instill some focus and extra drive in you and we’d attack this problem… and make no mistake about it, my friend, this is a problem that needs to be owned up to and solved. We’d make a plan about eating and we'd make a plan about exercise, and then we'd start doing the hard part: we’d stick to it. This wouldn’t be just about burning calories; it’d be about incinerating them.

And then there’s the fun part: I’d walk you up to that weigh-in with certainty and confidence, and I’d high-five you when you rock that scale and console you when it cheated us out of that loss that we so richly deserved.

We could do this, you and I. I’m certain that we could. I have not a doubt in this world.

But I can’t do it with you, right now. There’s too much on my plate at the moment (well, not literally… but you know what I mean). I can’t do it with you right now, but everything I’d do with you, you can do for yourself if you put your mind to it.

I hope you will do it. If you will, I promise you two things: (1) you’ll see results and (2) somewhere, be it just down the street, across the country or around the world, there’s at least one person right there with you, trying their best, working hard at doing what’s right and getting ready to face whatever it is tomorrow will bring.

This was just what I needed to hear today. I have been "good" for the past few days, but I didn't realize how hungry I was with all those "nutritious" meals until I binged last night... majorly. I feel terrible today but I won't give up. This list is great. I'm off to make a smoothie hehe =)

This sounds like a reality show waiting to happen. The Jack Sh*t Gettin' Fit Show, where Jack invades the homes of unsuspecting weight loss struggling folks. Spends two weeks with them and whips them into shape---mentally and physically!!

You are inspiring!! I love the word incinerate! Let's incinerate those calories! This post just totally blows me away. Man, wouldn't it be awesome to have Jack Sh*t working out with us?:)This is also a very touching post about your compassion to help other people. As long as we have you and the other people to encourage us, we're not alone, Jack. Thanks for the encouragement.

I think I've probably been slacking a bit of late. I think you may have just inspired me to try to step things up a little bit more.

P.S. I'm just catching up on blogs after some crazy work, so running into your whale post right after reading this cracked me up. Sorry to hear about your basketball injury and I hope you feel better soon.

Cleaning out the guest room - on my list as part of my "downsizing" is reducing clutter. Easier to do now that I'm MOVING instead of sitting on the cough with the TV remote in one hand and the "Binge du jour" in the other.

My guest room is clean, has a queen bed, and its own bathroom. I'll pick you up at the airport. We have unlimited long distance, wireless, satellite TV, a porch with rocking chairs. . . I need you! Please come. (I need the kind, not the kick ass variety words.)

I think the way you wrote your post is much like what my PhD was trying to tell me about practicing self care. . .stop thinking just do it.

Awe... How sweet! I need a Jack Sh*t of my very own to live with. But since I don't have, I'll just know that you are somewhere in the south, I guess, walking, jogging, lifting weights and wathcing what you eat right along beside me. (Of course it would help if I could find the link to the back side of the blog and get a good picture of you in my mind.) ;-) Great post Jack!

Too bad! for a brief minute I was fantasizing about having you move in with me and make me do all these amazing things! sigh-I supposed I will have to take responsibility for them on my own. It's just so much more easier if i have someone beating me over the head to make me do them!

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About Me

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jack,
Who never quit eating ‘cept to stop and have a snack.
Then one day he was standing on his scale,
And he realized he’d really let his body go to hell.
(Obesity that is, back fat, Texas toast)
Well the first thing you know old Jack he made a vow,
He’d ratchet up the exercise and slow down on the chow.
He wanted to get his weight back to where it oughta be,
So he loaded up his stuff and he moved to Bloggery.
(Google Blogger that is, writing posts, makin’ jokes)
Well now it's time to say hello to Jack and all his sh*t
As he chronicles his adventures on his journey to get fit.
You're all invited back each day to this locality,
To have a heaping helping of health and hilarity.
(Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, that is.)
Y'all come back now, ya hear?