My recent lack of drive, enthusiasm and passion for writing has sent me into a slight depression. It was literally the only thing I was good at before I became a Mum! It was bad enough after my first born, but having just given birth for a second and final time…*ponders for a split second about having a third* NO! …the thinking part of my brain seems to have become detached from the rest of my body. Just some examples of things that are now accepted as the norm in my life include:

Just accepting that sometimes I put the marmite on my toast before the butter

Being really good (and impressively quick) at getting everyone out of the house to nursery, going shopping, getting home and doing the ironing etc.

The reality to the above bullet point is that breakfast is served in the car (usually toast with marmite/butter) I ALWAYS lose my shopping list before ever getting to the supermarket, and I’d love to say I get the ironing done, but the truth is I’ve often forgot to even put a wash on.

I plan each day thinking I’ll get at least an hour to myself, and in those few and far between ‘hours’ I spend the time making a list of the things I should’ve done today but will have to now wait until tomorrow!

Start the day with a nipple pad of stale milk, accompanied by a shoulder of baby sick and side dish of mustard poop.

Lunch

Soup of the day is a plastic bowl of cooled boiled water

or

Powdered milk with added probiotic for that extra afternoon boost. Just 3 scoops and you’ll be milk drunk!

Specials Board

Breast of mother with sore nipples mounted on a bed of no sleep with a drizzle of non-alcoholic jus, accompanied with pureed vegetables.

Dessert

Cotton Wool Balls dipped in cooled boiled water with a topping of Sudo ‘Whipping’ Crem.

Or

Frozen Bonjelly with an iced soother

Guest Chef

Mrs Curdle has kindly donated her time to launch her new range of breast milk and will be doing some milking demonstrations at 1pm, 1:30pm, 2pm, 2:30pm, 3pm, 3:30pm for the next 24hrs, over the next 2 years. She never sleeps or eats so there’s a demo time to suit everyone! Book your place now!

BK (Before Kids) Saturday night was THE night! Mr Balderdash and I would rise lethargically from our pits in the morning and plan the night ahead. It would mainly consist of pre- drinks at home, then meeting friends for a few more drinks, maybe a meal, definitely a dance and then a night cap at around 2:30am, happy in the thought that Sunday – our day of rest (remember them?) would include the notorious consumption of hangover munchies and coca cola.

Those days are long gone – which to be honest I don’t really yearn to feel like shit every Sunday anymore, and the thought of staying out later than 10pm quite frankly fills me horror – the thought of having to queue in a bar, or wait in the cold for a taxi! What I do miss is the ‘Saturday Routine’ we stuck to so adamantly, which got me thinking what it my ‘Saturday Routine’ now?

1. Texting Friends – We would arrange to meet at the same pub each week, ask what each other is wearing, who’s going out and general balderdash that comes with not seeing your friends for a whole week! Nowadays, if I’m lucky I text the cripplingly expensive Xfactor to cast my vote on who has sang the shittiest this week. I may also text Santa or any other charity show to still justify my existence and attachment to the big, scary outside world.

2. Getting My Bag Ready – First I would choose my bag to match my outfit. Place following items in said bag; Lipstick / gloss, chewing gum, purse, comb, blusher, eyeliner, phone, cash. My current ‘bag’ is the one I make up every night to take up to bed. It includes everything I need to get me through the night with a newborn so that I don’t have to come downstairs in the dark. Nappies, wipes, Infacol, formula, bottles, change of baby clothes, muslin clothes, dummy, phone (to use the torch app in the night and vote on xfactor).

4.Listen to some Music – I would plug in my phone and listen to some dance music, maybe even have a sing a long looking forward to ‘drunk dancing’ in around 5 hours time..whilst sipping wine..oh how I miss wine. My playlist now consists of nursery rhymes, white noise and the Fun Song Factory soundtrack, and the closest I get to drunk dancing is swaying gently in half light with my baby in arms ‘milk drunk’. At least one of us is drunk.

5.Call a Taxi and wait in anticipation for the night to begin! Cue, getting weed on for the third time today on my third set of clean clothes…can’t even be bothered to change them now…taxi for Mrs Balderdash…