Self-Love

On this final day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I reach out with an open heart to all of the women and men in abusive relationships. Sometimes this conversation neglects to acknowledge the men who are also victims of narcissistic and abusive behaviors from their partners. I want you to know that I see you. I stand by you, also.

“Every love story is a tragedy if you wait long enough.”
(The Handmaid’s Tale series)
No relationship should begin as one.

First of all, let me start by saying that you don’t need to be in an abusive relationship to want to leave, or have “permission” to leave a relationship. I also believe that the end of a relationship, although it can be painful and difficult to one or more parties, is never a bad thing. Like sex, if just one person doesn’t want to be involved, ever or anymore, even if one party is happy and interested, it’s best for it to stop. If there is ANY reason to end a relationship, it’s usually a good reason.

For nine years I talked myself into staying in a relationship, which by all accounts, wasn’t healthy. I didn’t have a lot of confidence when I met him at 19 years old, which coincided with a college assignment where I delved into analyzing the language of users of new-then dating websites. I had to create an account to access other profiles, and Eharmony told me I was unmatchable. I ended up marrying the next boyfriend I had. Online dating still makes me cringe.

Despite all of the warning signs in that relationship (which started pretty early on) — the arguing, the manipulation, the insults and disrespect he dished out in the form of eye-rolls, I largely ignored how he made me feel. I ignored it just like I ignored the actions and words of my younger brother, who suffered from the same personality disorder as the man who is now my ex-husband.

The dishonesty with myself made me increasingly vulnerable to his continued attacks on my self-esteem. I literally used to tell myself that other things in my life were good enough, so what if he wasn’t that nice to me behind closed doors or didn’t like my family? Maybe true love wasn’t really in the cards for me. At least he could cook well and we wouldn’t be poor. I know, desperate and sad.

“You accept the love you think you deserve.”

Granted, every relationship (strong or struggling) looks different, and abuse takes many forms, so I won’t get too personal here by revealing every detail of my 9-year long relationship. I also want to acknowledge that I, my Self, played a big part in letting the abuse (verbal and sexual) continue for so long. By staying with him despite all of our problems, I mislead my partner into believing that I was ready for the big step into marriage, and I was too scared and too weak to end the relationship by the time we were planning the wedding.

I dreaded many aspects of our future together, worried about all the future arguments we’d have, worried about losing my friends and family, worried that I wouldn’t be able to be a mom because I didn’t see him fit to be a dad.

The constant internalized worrying made me ill. I couldn’t eat anything without getting sick, so I was weak and scrawny as I glided like a ghost in my white dress down the aisle.

I saw myself in the magazines that mentioned in colorful blurbs that 1 in 5 women knew before the wedding that the marriage was doomed, but something inside me said it would be OK, that it was the best I could do. That eventually I wouldn’t feel that way about him anymore.

But I believe there’s something I could have done differently during the engagement that might have helped me step away before I stepped down the aisle. I know for sure that divorcing him after four years of marriage was no less hurtful than if I would have called off the wedding, so I want to talk to you, anyone who might be in this stage of their life, about the word engagement.

After the proposal, before planning a wedding, we both should have engaged in months of thoughtful marriage planning.

Being engaged is a time to figure out if marriage is really the best thing for you and the other person. We need to stop the taboo of ending an engagement. It is the time you should be discussing everything about your relationship and futures, if you haven’t already.

Calling off a wedding can feel like an unconquerable mountain once you’ve accepted or presented a ring. But in planning any event, new discoveries sometimes prevent the event from taking place. For until an exchange of vows occurs, there is nothing holding you into that relationship. No matter how much time you’ve spent with (or working on them as we sometimes see it) that person, no matter what experiences you’ve been through together, you do not owe that person anything except a respectful, honest goodbye.

In our society, it seems that the weight of an engagement ring comes with the same degree of commitment as the actual marriage certificate. Despite all of the people I know who are divorced, I only know one person who ever called off an engagement, that I know of. I likewise know a large number of people who are unhappily married, the normalcy of which might be why I accepted years of verbal abuse and a dysfunctional sex life. I am NOT advocating for divorce; I am advocating for you to have a happy life by taking your engagement very seriously.

Unlike a recent advertisement I saw for Match.com, I do think a great person is worth the wait.

To be engaged should be viewed not as the ultimate commitment to the other person, but as a time to engage in a thoughtful process about if they are really the one with whom you want to make that commitment. Engage in serious and tough conversations with the person (even if you already had them when you were dating). When people use this time to plan their wedding but not their marriage, they are doing serious jeopardy to their relationship.

Engage in activities that help you identify exactly how that person confronts challenge, how they treat people in stressful situations, how they manage their money. Engage in a deep look into who the other person truly is. If warning signs (trust yourself) come up during the engagement, put off the wedding. Honestly, don’t even think about planning a wedding celebration until you’ve been engaged in meaningful work about planning a marriage.

Observe everything. About yourself, and about your partner. And about how they act around your family. And how they act around their family. And how you act when they do something that disappoints you.

If a person can refrain from changing or parenting his or her partner, they have a greater opportunity for putting themself in a position of respect. If one of you is always doing everything for your partner, you risk being walked over. And if one of you is above the other, that does not make for a stable foundation for a marriage.

Be very mindful about how you speak to each other. How you greet each other. How you feel when you’re apart, when you’re together, the moment right before you’re together, the moments after. Listen to your body.

Engage in conversations with the people who care most about you. Engage with your family and friends and ask them to be completely honest with you about how they see your relationship. You are the ultimate decision maker in your life, and if you have people you confide in for anything important in your life, you should most definitely talk to them about this.

If you find yourself avoiding those people or those conversations, I beg you to think about why you are doing that. If the people whom you most respect don’t see the good you see in your partner, if you find yourself making excuses for them, being embarrassed by them, avoiding your favorite people or activities when you are with them, there is probably a good reason for that. Definitely worth engaging in those feeling fully and contemplating the reason.

Speaking of reason, humans are capable of talking ourselves into anything. Our minds are extremely powerful; we can justify anything to ourselves if we think it’s what we want or deserve.

Don’t let marriage be something you have to talk your Self into.

Engage deeply with your fears and doubts. Take time alone to think (maybe write) about the life you want, your values, your dreams. Engage with your Self on a very deep level. Be completely honest with yourself. It’s OK if you discover along this journey that you don’t want to marry this person. And better yet if you discover through all of that work that you truly do. That you do truly respect and value their presence in your life. That you find they really do help you shine your inner light even more brightly than you do on your own. I’m just asking you not to take that for granted.

Divorce sucks. It’s hard and it’s expensive. Even if you’ve invested years with this person, have been through major life events with them, own pets with them, own property or a business with them, or if you’ve already put down deposits on a location and purchased your dress and sent out invitations….none of that matters more than your long term happiness. Ending the relationship before the wedding takes place is worth the saved pain.

Marriage is a union, and it’s perfectly ok to be selfish before you enter into that commitment. And you don’t have to be a victim of domestic violence to justify ending a relationship either. A marriage, maybe, but a relationship–no matter how long you’ve been together,–can be left whenever a person, just one person in that relationship, no longer wants to be in it. No contract. No obligation.

If you are unhappy in your relationship, even if you are unable to put your finger on exactly what is wrong, you have a good reason to leave it. (Do you ever hear yourself saying, It’s not that bad, or At least she doesn’t…?) Give yourself permission to step out of that doubtful place and invest in your Self.

A dear friend lovingly told me once that if I felt any doubt about my fiancé, that I should reconsider marrying him. I talked myself into the challenge of staying instead of into the challenge of leaving. If you have doubt about the relationship you are in–maybe more than concern about your differences in taste of home decor or travel destinations–you will be doing yourself and your partner a favor to trust yourself and end the relationship. They deserve someone who has no doubt about them. And so do you.

If two people want to be together, no marriage is going to change that. If a person is pressuring you to get married, there’s a good chance they might be hiding something, and it will come out once they have “secured” you into a permanent arrangement. Or maybe they have some self-improvement to work on before they are ready for marriage. Or maybe they don’t respect you. If you are getting any pressure from your partner, take a good hard look at where it might be coming from.

A wedding is not a way to improve a relationship.

Strong, respectful relationships do not need weddings for them to last or for them to be strong or respectful. If you feel like your does, then maybe you shouldn’t get married right now. What would it look like if you just kept dating? What would it look like if you took a break? Marriage is not about being in shackles, for either party; it is about forming a partner-ship with someone whom you love, respect, and admire. That foundation does not come from spending the most crucial moments of your relationship together planning a (wedding) party, but can come from planning a life together.

Looking back, I know there were so many signs all along that I ignored. While his friends and family expressed gratitude and excitement to me about our relationship, told me I brought out the best in him, etc., the same feeling wasn’t coming from my friends and family. That should have been my first clue. Our loved ones really do want the best for us, some of us just aren’t that good at communicating it (or hearing it).

I have so much more to say about this (like 4 more pages…)but I’ve tried to put my most heartfelt and pertinent advice out there tonight, just in case anyone needs to hear it.

You deserve so much happiness. You are the only one who can make it happen. You are worth it.

P.S. If you want to know more about the “warning signs” from my relationship, don’t be shy. I am an open book. But I also know that no one wants to read a whole book about this, even though I’m pretty sure I have enough words on the topic to fill one!

I didn’t know when I set off on this Tour of Hope, self-defense for Native women mission that it had to start with my-self. Here I am one month on the path, and facing some of the biggest challenges of my life. I’m here to tell you that changing your life can be done AND growing pains should be expected!

Despite the anticipated benefits to myself and Mother Earth, it is truly difficult to change so much so fast. Some people might not recommend doing all I have in just one month’s time, but I say, there is no time like the present! In my new routine, I have felt discomfort, doubt, pain and fear: fear of failure, fear of “more different than I’m ready for,” and fear of the judgment that can come from others.

Nevertheless, I am moving ahead with my personal transformation, and I invite you all to be a part of the conversation–just comment below with any tips, questions, or any dang thing that pops into your head! I’d love to talk to you!

In my last post I announced that I would only eat: local, organic, and unpackaged foods, with the exception of eating food that would otherwise go to waste. Well, the parents went on vacation and left a fridge full of leftovers, so I mostly lived on that for the week, and you all know my weakness for fine cuisine, so when I went out with friends one night I couldn’t help but order some tasty things (which didn’t strictly meet those 3 criterion, but they made me happy). I will continue to try my best, and I will certainly continue to make “mistakes.” The point is not to be perfect, just to be better.

Once it was time to restock, seeing that Z and I are both living on a tight budget, we checked out the local dumpster scene!

One morning, we gathered 17 pounds of free food: apples, melons, peppers, and organic whey protein (had “expired” a few days before–still totally fine to eat), about 20 individually packaged.

This all came from two dumpsters in the neighborhood (most dumpsters we met were locked.)

Z returned each morning for the rest of the week and found empty or locked dumpsters until yesterday, when she came home with probably 40 pounds of produce. Melons, bananas, summer squash, onions, broccoli, peaches, grapes, tomatoes (organic!), potatoes, lemons, mangos, pineapples…oh my gosh! It was a real cornucopia!

So that, along with a few local, organic and unpackaged pantry items, will feed us nicely this weekend and into the week. I made applesauce, we’ve had some fine salads, Lin made banana bread, and Z is making soup as I type! Amazing, right!?

I’m not saying everyone should go out and dig in the local dumpsters for free food, but….well, why not!? Ha!

Other than that, I have been doing a decent job of biking, though many of the free fitness classes we’re taking are too far away to bike to yet, so we’ve still been using the car. I have been to three boxing classes, my first Qigong class, and kickboxing and a mixed martial arts class will start on Tuesday. At the first of the month I completed my first 3-day fast, and I’ve been spending a lot of time outdoors, mediating, reading, walking, etc.

We rinse all produce in a baking soda bath and a vinegar bath and give them a good scrub.

These changes have made me super sensitive. I have had some strange physiological symptoms like cramps and headaches, and I am highly emotional right now. I am on a spiritual journey, for sure, and am so happy and grateful that I get to spend this time really taking care of myself right now, in order to be better prepared to take care of others when the time is right.

I just watched this cool video from a man I look up to a lot. He reminded me that I am currently living in the state which produces more food than any other state in the U.S!

This and some other things Rob Greenfield touches on in this episode have inspired me to change how I eat, and how I contribute to the system (#resist #maxandbellaaren’tyouproud? #what?thisisn’thowhastagswork?).

I know in my gut (no pun intended) that this is part of my journey: living in a way that respects my body and my planet. Therefore, I will carry on with my mission even more intentionally by giving up some seriously bad food habits along the way and maybe a few pounds?? Please!?? (Could anyone else eat potato chips and chocolate every day of their life? I don’t but…oh. my. gosh. I didn’t even think about chocolate when I made my promise….errrgh, is it too late to take it back??)

All rambling aside, did you know more than 30% of the food produced in the U.S. is thrown out?! And 20% of people in the U.S. face hunger. As Rob says, it looks like we don’t have a food problem in the U.S. but a distribution problem.

So, while I am here in beautiful San Diego, I am going to make the most of what is around me, and spend as little as possible while I do it!

I’d love to hear your thoughts below–what did you find interesting in the video? Do you already eat like this? If so, any tips? Do you think I’m going to succeed or fail miserably? If so, any tips? 🙂

*The meat from the cattle my father raises on his farm in Colorado is packaged in plastic wrap and butcher’s paper. It is the freshest and best quality beef one could find in this day and age in the U.S. Like hell will I skip out on eating that anytime I am back in Colorado.

My wonderful friends in Brazil put a book together for me as a going away gift, and left a few pages blank with prompts on them. One of those pages inspired this post. Thank you, Maxine.

Here are my top 10 life lessons for living a happy life.

Take care of yourself. Self-love and self-care must come first.In many ways I already knew this one, or else I wouldn’t have ever gone to Brazil, but I learned how to live it fully in these two years. Creating a healthy work/life balance was very important to me here, and I often spent time cooking, painting, walking, or watching my favorite shows after work instead of grading and planning (though there was still plenty of that!). Journaling and yoga were also big parts of my self-care. I encourage everything to find what works for them!

We need each other, our hive, our tribe.Once I learned how to love myself, the friendships in my life blossomed. The respect I had for myself set the standard for what I expected of others. My time in Sao Paulo would certainly not be so memorable and cherished if it wasn’t for the amazing people I got to work with, travel with, party with, cook with, paint with, teach with etc. They built me up, and taught me just how wonderful it is to surround yourself with positive people. Also important: we don’t need EVERYONE and there are some people who we certainly don’t need in our life, but we need others, we need like-minded people in our circle and people who push us outside of our comfort zone.

Be open, and the world will be open to you. Be kind, and the world will be kind to you.So many people in my life before I moved from the U.S. were full of warnings and advice, were full of fear for my move. Thank you all for caring, but in my experience, it is carrying fear which invites evil. Send out the energy you wish you receive, and it seems…you shall!

Look up.What a beautiful and wonderful and amazing world we live in! Take it all in!People miss so much when we spend too much time on technology or in our own heads. Predators look for people who are distracted, so looking up and seeing who and what is around me makes me more safe. I didn’t stay out of harm’s way by retreating into my phone and remaining naively blissful; I was awake to the world around me, and looked at people and situations with a keen eye and was able to entirely AVOID harm by being mindful or my surroundings and being present in each moment.

Dreams don’t work unless you do.Nothing is going to come to you for free. You have to set your intentions, let the universe know, and then work all the damn time to make those dreams come true. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, and if that isn’t a dream come true, I don’t know what is!

Walk barefoot in the grass.This one means so much more than this specific action. It means to take time for yourself to take in your surroundings and connect to this beautiful Earth. In Brazil, I would often take my shoes off and walk around the soccer field during my lunch break. It was so energizing. To touch nature, to place your feet in the sand, in a stream…there is something so grounding about bare feet in nature.

Stay present.Mindfulness has been a years-long journey for me that has brought exponential joy into my life. From more fully enjoying the taste of my food, to engagingmore meaningfully with the person across the table from me, to listening to my body and my emotions more, bringing more attention and mindfulness to each moment has made everything better. And related to #4, it has also kept me safe. I have avoided several awkward, if not unsafe, situations by just paying more attention to the energy around me.

Always go on the adventure.I’ve definitely embraced the “better an ‘oh well’ than a ‘what if?’” mindset, and have been rewarded for it greatly. Not only have I gotten to see incredible places, I have gotten to learn these life lessons authentically. Traveling also increases empathy, and who couldn’t use more of that?! I encourage everyone to go see the world, as far away from home as they are able to!My top 10 places to visit in Brazil list is coming soon!

Stay positive.This relates to so many, but it bears repeating. I used to have a very negative internal monologue. Becoming aware of that and taking systematic steps to change it, such as keeping a gratitude journal, have helped me be so much happier and so much less stressed and anxious. It’s also one of those pieces of advices that used to make me roll my eyes, but until you live it, you can never know how much it will change your life.

People are good.Again, this one goes back to #3, but this was a resounding lesson from my two years abroad. Despite not even being able to speak portuguese well, I was immersed to so many heartwarming interactions. In the middle of the largest city in South America, in the middle of a torrential rain, in the middle of my walk home, I hopped on a city bus. A complete stranger reached out and handed me an empty shopping bag, noticing before I did that the one in which I was carrying extra items home from work had disintegrated in the rain and was barely holding said items in any longer. Countless times when I was traveling, people greeted me with warm smiles, tips about the best local bakery, I even shared a table at a busy restaurant with a family one night and had a wonderful time laughing and sharing food–we didn’t even speak the same language! In a world where we are so often flooded with bad news about terrible things happening (and don’t get me wrong, they are happening and it’s important to stay engaged and do everything we can to make this world a better place), it is VITAL to remember how many GOOD people there are. How GOOD people are. We have some screwed up systems, for sure, but individually, 99% of people are good. Don’t trust me? I suggest you get out of your house (without a cell phone) and go see for yourself!

Thanks for reading! More to come soon about my next journey, the Tour of Hope with LindseyLou!

When I left the U.S. two years ago, I thought it was very possible that I would not return for many years. I had my eyes set on Cambodia to help educate and empower women there.

I guess I didn’t see then what I see so clearly now, that the people in the U.S. need my help first.

After years of working on my own self-love and self-empowerment, I feel stronger than ever that I have to help empower other women, and continue to empower teenagers, to use their voices and work to make this world the best possible place for all living beings. I want to fight for women’s rights and access to education and equality all around the world, but I can only do that once I know my own country, and all of its people, are strong.

Therefore, I have decided to take a break from the traditional high school English literature and composition teaching role and put my energy into empowering women and teenagers on Native American reservations around the U.S. In doing so I hope to gain the perspective I need to make a long term impact on the world of education and women’s rights.

For the next leg of my journey, I will travel around the U.S. with my best friend, Lindsey, to volunteer our time to the Natives on various reservations (to be determined). After Lindsey joined the natives in their important work at the Standing Rock protest in 2016, she has become more and more entrenched in the work and missions of the Natives, and I am excited to join her in working to support this community.

Lindsey and I believe that a major part to self-love and independence is confidence and strength of mind and body. She is a self-defense trainer with an amazing ability to connect with people and know just what she can do to help them. She and I are going to do whatever we can to empower Native women and teens on the Reservations.

I don’t yet know exactly what my role is going to be there, but I can see myself doing many things. Volunteering at the schools, offering after school programs like drawing and cooking and practices in mindfulness, and supporting the self-defense training however I can (until I also become trained) are things I am looking forward to. I will learn everything I can to best be able to serve the needs of these communities as I get to know them.

And, as with all great tasks, I am going to need the help of my communities, my family and friends and fellow peacemakers to be successful.

I am hosting a fundraiser here in Sao Paulo on June 9th. I will be donating all of my artworks, on which people can make a bid to purchase. It will be a silent auction, of which all proceeds will go towards this self-love and self-defense mission. I will use the money to buy supplies, food, and transportation around the U.S. as I venture from place to place.

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If you live in the states but would like to make a contribution to my journey, you can make a private donation on my GoFundMe page. I will also post a link to my artworks in case any of you really love a piece and want to have it shipped to you.

I still have every intention of making it to Cambodia someday to teach and/or volunteer, but I have realized that serving my own country is my priority right now, and I am honored to be able to return home and begin this work very soon!

Growing up sometimes felt like hell. Ok, that’s a little extreme, but things were definitely not harmonious at my house most of the time. For starters, I have four brothers and sisters, and both of my parents worked full-time, my father running his own farm, which is more like an all-the-time job for ten months out of the year, and a part-time job for the other two months (much like the career I chose, teaching), which meant that mom and dad weren’t home a lot, and we five kids helped raise each other. With ten years between the five of us, and growing up in a small Catholic town, there was always something going on. From pee-wee basketball practice to family gatherings and birthdays (we had 16 cousins that lived in-state whom we were very close with), to mass, catechism, school plays, doctors appointments, emergency room visits, and trips to the grocery store, Mom or Dad were always on the road. (And did I mention that my family lived on a farm six to twenty miles away from the towns we traveled to for any of these activities?)

We spent a lot of time in our 1988, light blue Dodge minivan, driving up and down the curvy roads (curvy because, although we grew up on the plains of northeastern Colorado, it was near the South Platte river). Many parts of my childhood were idyllic in ways: We lived on a beautiful working-farm (where I can still remember watching my father and his friends, and then later helping, work cattle right across the street from our front-porch), our parents were very loving and involved in our lives and kept us very busy as kids, and we had a yard and fields to play in and even a creek just down the little dirt road behind our house. Yes, those things were all lovely, but the circumstances also left us kids unsupervised a lot. It’s true that many children were and still are safe in these circumstances, most of the time we were, also, but there was something about my childhood that tipped the scales from lovely, to at times completely frightening.

One of my brothers has bipolar disorder, and perhaps other medical disorders, that make him unpredictable and unstable, and at times downright dangerous. As we got older and were left at home more and more without adult supervision, even when parents were home but in another room or on another part of the property, crazy shit would happen. I began to fear and hate being home, despite all of the wonderful parts of it there. I’ve shared about my brother before and I’m sure I will again, but that’s not exactly what this story is about.

In the midst of all of the chaos of my upbringing, something happened that caused 5-year-old me some turmoil, yet turned into the biggest blessing of my life: Z, my best friend, moved away. Little did I know at the time, she would be my Harmony Way.

No, that’s not an expression. Z moved HOURS away from me, and she landed on a windy dirt road on the other side of the Great Divide, tucked into the foothills, on Harmony Way. 1501 Harmony Way, the home that was my refuge for one month out of every year. And it wasn’t just the escape that made this home so sweet, but that Lindsey’s family were the kindest people I had ever met, and still are the kindest people I know, to this day. If it wasn’t for their unconditional love and outpouring of support for me, I would not be the semi-balanced loving, open-minded person I am today. It was like all of the love and calm that these people generated, Z and her mom and dad, and passed to me in that one month together, somehow undid the damage that my brother’s terrifying outbursts and toxic insults and physical violence did to me in the other eleven months.

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Going from the middle child of five to “little” sister of one was like being an only child. I’m not just saying I was spoiled by them buying my favorite fruits and cereal and pot-pies for my visit, which I was, or that they spoiled me by making homemade tortillas and burritos every year upon my arrival, which they did, or that they treated me to camping trips where I didn’t have to fight over a fishing pole or be worried about my brother pushing me into a lake, but all of those things were definitely nice. I am saying that there, on my little slice of harmony, I truly felt listened to. I had a voice, and it didn’t have to shout over four others before it was heard. There, on Harmony Way, I my life was reshaped.

On Harmony Way, life was sweet. Z and I played outside with her ducks, chased lizards around rocks on the mountainside, and sipped sweet tea on the porch while we read books, uninterrupted, for hours in the sun. At night, we watched the stars from around the campfire. We talked about important things, we played games, we went for walks, and no one got upset and stormed off or started throwing rocks. We agreed on what TV shows to watch after dinner and no one so much as yelled. I didn’t have to think about the problems at home, and I got to explore my own interests and personality in a way I didn’t get to do at home. Being able to do that around extremely loving, kind, funny, thoughtful people was the most nourishing possible experience I might have never known I had needed if it hadn’t been handed to me.

People survive way worse conditions than those I grew up in. People find many ways to be balanced and healthy and happy despite toxic upbringings and unhealthy family members. People definitely find other ways, but there is no doubt in my mind that the path that lead me to where I am now began with Z on Harmony Way.

My best friend/soul sister has been telling me about this online workout for years. It is how she got into shape when preparing to join the Navy Seals, and it’s what she used again recently in preparing to become a self-defense coach.

I’m going to be totally honest: I have not taken working out seriously in a loooooong time. Ok, ever. Even in high school, while I loved playing volleyball and basketball, I hated the running and conditioning. Despite all the good stuff I hear about working out and how much I like looking at people who are in good shape and want to look like them…the most exercise I tend to do is dancing around my house when I’m cooking and cleaning, a few (short) walks a week, and the occasional yoga workout (I was doing much better when I first arrived in Sao Paulo, but work has gotten busier and I just haven’t made the time for it lately).

I have been so, so, so stressed out lately, and getting really bad migraines, so I’m finally ready to try exercise as a solution to all of this. I’ve always carried my family and friends’ stress on top of my own. I’m highly sensitive to the people around me, and love helping others, but sometimes to my own detriment. It’s something I’ve worked on in therapy and on my own for a few years now. It’s still not easy, but I’m hoping that by burning calories and releasing those good endorphins and dopamine that I’m going to find more balance and joy, and less stress in my life.

So, I just did the first workout on this page after a 10 minute cardio warmup of running in place and jumping jacks, and I was only able to do half of what she did–because I’m THAT out of shape! So I’m going to keep working on this first workout until I can do the whole thing at her pace, and I’m going to try to start jogging a couple days a week. I will keep you guys posted.

I would also love to hear what you do to workout, or if there’s a way we can support each other if you know it’s something you need to do for yourself also!

Those dearest to me often call me Bean, or Jilly Bean. It has always been a term of endearment. A sign of love.

This weekend, on Saturday, Jan. 21st, it became even more than that to me. As I scrolled through my facebook feed looking at pictures of all the women and men marching for women’s rights–rights the 45th president is threatening the nation with revoking, rights like affordable health care, funding for Planned Parenthood,domestic violence programs, and safe abortions–I came across a quote: “They tried to bury us. They didn’t know we were seeds” (quote by Dinos Christianopoulos).

These two simple sentences hit me like a ray of sunshine after a gentle rainstorm–they warmed my body like a perfectly heated bath. In this moment, Bean became not just a name my family calls me, but a symbol for who I am. This quote spoke to me so loudly because I, too, have experienced the weight of being buried, and now I also know the relief and freedom of sprouting.

For a while, I let that weight settle over me, resigning myself to darkness and unhappiness, pretending things were fine when really I could barely breathe.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting over that time in my life when I was most unhappy and about what eventually allowed me to break free from those circumstances, advice I plan to share with others soon; I have set new intentions for my life, and big goals for my future. On this day, this quote confirmed for me that I really am going to make it.

The old me, the one who felt helpless and lacked control of her own life, she is dead and buried now. She left behind some scars, but she left many more lessons, and she left me stronger than ever, ready to sprout into a new, strong, powerful life force.

The old me is buried and the new me is ready to climb to new heights, just like the magic beans in the story “Jack and the Beanstalk”; I will be the ladder, the support that gives everyone a step up to a better life (without the outcome of it all tumbling down because of a giant monster!). Though I’m not yet ready to reveal my magic, it will come to no surprise to you that it has to do with education.

It’s too bad the title of my blog is not a reflection of a stellar ability I possess to pack so lightly that all I need when I travel is a carry-on bag; fortunately, it has everything to do with my perseverance, something I was going to need a lot of on this particular journey. Despite my reputation for overpacking, I felt confident that I was taking just what I needed for this trip, and even with my emergency kits, extra socks, a birthday outfit, remedies for the blisters I anticipated, and plenty of snacks, I still had space left in my (oversized) bag…. Guys, I packed WAY too much, again. When will I learn?!?!

During the week-long trip, we covered approximately 5565 kilometers (about 3,480 miles) in cars, buses, planes, by foot, and even a mule. Roughly 65 of those kilometers was meant to be done by foot with our bags strapped to our backs, though lack of specifics on Brasilian websites didn’t make this entirely clear to us from the beginning. Although I grew up in Colorado and have hiked and camped throughout my life, I quickly realized that I was not actually prepared for the grueling 4-day trip we were about to embark on. Also, despite a lifetime of trouble with sensitive feet, I hopped into the SUV in Lencois with Kahlie, Erico, our guide, Beto, and a 15 kilogram backpack (about 30 pounds….one for each year??) eager to traipse through the beautiful Paty Valley–a trip that would commence with my 30th birthday.

Now that I think about it, this trip really was like my 20s squeezed into a week: Beginning with mild-discomfort I pretended didn’t exist and an “I know what I’m doing” mindset (how much harder can one hike really be than all the others I’ve done?), packed with obstacles I never knew I had the strength to overcome (scaling a cliff next to a river), facing some fears along the way, and ending with an undeniable realization that made all the difference.

Just as happened throughout my 20s, friends stepped up to help me before I was ready to admit I needed the help. After about 5 kilometers uphill, my feet were already aching. Erico kindly traded bags with me, as his was about 12 pounds lighter, giving my feet a little relief. A few kilometers later, after our first amazing view, I was biting my tongue–trying not to complain to my friends and guide about the increased pain in my feet. I added some mole-skin wrap to my heels to prevent any further blistering (or so I hoped) and continued down a rugged decline into the valley whose view we enjoyed over lunch. A lot like the reason I
stayed in a bad relationship throughout my 20s, I didn’t speak up about my throbbing feet: I didn’t want to seem weak. After 15 kilometers the first day, many laughs, and many internal pep-talks to keep me going up those steep inclines, we made it to our first night’s lodging. We revived our energy with an amazing home-cooked meal and a good night’s sleep.

The next morning I quickly taped up my feet, ate an energizing breakfast prepared by the homeowners, and we hiked another 18 kilometers. Thankfully we were able to leave our packs at the pousada, making the trek much more doable on my aching feet. I mentioned to Kahlie that my feet were hurting, but tried not to make too big of a deal about it. I’m glad I persevered. The views were saw this day were breathtaking. I truly felt like I was on top of the world.

I felt brave, exhilarated, and strong for where I had gotten myself, both in that moment, at the edge of a rock overlooking the Paty Valley, and in life–to a place where I am stronger than ever and living my dreams, confident enough to be out on my own (and with friends) experiencing the world. Independent. Motivated. Powerful.

These positive feelings helped me overlook my pain until we arrived at the next night’s lodging, and I removed my shoes and socks to discover I had about four new blisters on each foot. I decided in my mind that I wouldn’t be going on tomorrow’s hike if it was possible–again, reflecting my silent-resolve of two years before, when I admitted to myself that I needed to end my marriage, a relationship that at times made me feel like I was on top of the world, but most often was a painful experience. I took the needle out of my emergency kit, sanitized it with fire, and with the light of my headlamp, I popped my blisters to relieve the pain. The next morning, my feet were throbbing. I hobbled to breakfast and finally showed the guide my feet. (Semi-graphic description and pictures follow–if you get queasy easily, you may want to skip over this part.)

He treated my blisters with a natural antibiotic called propolis, a bee bi-product. He described in portugues, and Erico translated, that he was going to poke the blisters like I had done the night before, with a needle, and then pull a string doused in the propolis through my blisters to get the medication inside and help them heal faster. Even though that scared the crap out of me, and I knew it was going to hurt, I also knew it was what I needed in order to get better (again, I couldn’t help but draw the comparison to my decision to part with my partner of 9 years–it would be painful, but it was necessary for me to get better). It was one of the strangest sensations I ever experienced, and extremely painful. Recalling the experience now still makes me quiver… I am so thankful for Kahlie who was there by my side reminding me to breathe, and to get photos of the odd experience!

At the end of Day 3, when my feet had had enough–I was just happy to have my shoes off

I rested in bed for the rest of the morning, then was able to join the group for the rest of the day’s hike (12 km) through even more beautiful and varied landscapes as we headed to the final pousada. We still had 18 kilometers to go the final day, and my feet were even worse after those 12 kms. The guide informed us that the final day’s hike was going to be the most challenging, half of it nearly straight up a very rocky terrain. He also informed us of the option to pay for a mule to carry our bags to make it easier. The old me, a younger me, wouldn’t have asked for help, but I asked if I could get a mule to carry me out, too.

I knew that my feet couldn’t do it anymore (like my heart two years ago when I asked for the divorce.) I was reminded of the most important lesson a person can learn, even the strongest people: we have an obligation to ourselves to speak up and ask for help when we need it. I needed this break. I needed to complete this journey with help. I needed the mule. Even with a second propolis treatment, I knew I would have had an extremely hard time hiking out of the valley and I would have endured unneeded pain for the sake of my pride. I was so thankful the entire time I was on that mule’s back. Just like I was so thankful by the support of my family and friends when I asked them to help me get my life back on track during the divorce and for the months and years following it.

Once we all met up again, we took a car ride to Poço Azul, where I made a big step towards overcoming my fear of water–I snorkeled for the first time in my life in the most beautiful, clear lagoon in a cave. The cool water soothed my aching feet and body. Putting on the mask and snorkel made my heart race, but after a few minutes and some repeated mantras that I would be okay, I relaxed and enjoyed this experience.

Swimming around looking through the water to the depths of this underwater cave was incredible, and it strengthened my resolve to try new things and push myself out of my comfort zone to reap the biggest rewards in life.

Just like facing an 18-year-old fear, or looking up at a mountain you are about to climb, asking for help can also make us uncomfortable when we aren’t used to it, especially for people who prefer to be the ones helping. But it would do us all some good to learn when to do what is best for ourselves and others. We have to be fearless when it comes to doing what is best, what is right. Even the most powerful, strong, independent people need to ask for help at times, for not doing so can be detrimental to ourselves and those around us. We must also become as strong as possible by not asking for help when we don’t need it, by doing all that we are capable of without complaining or being resentful.

Throughout these days leading up to my 30s, I reflected a lot about where I’ve been and where I want to go, about all the amazing people and opportunities that have come into my life that have aided in my personal growth. I am going to keep taking risks. I am going to keep adventuring. I am going to keep doing hard things. I am going to carry on with all of the lessons I have learned so far in this life, but also try to remember that I really know nothing. And I am also going to listen to myself when my mind and body tell me that I need help.

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Jillian. Jill. Jilly. Jilly Bean. Bean. It helped that I was all legs and full of energy. String Bean, Bouncing Bean. I liked keeping secrets but I loved to spill the beans. Bean Carries On is my garden. A place to cultivate thoughts about the things I care about. I’m a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a teacher, a gardener, a reader, an artist, a cook, and an empath.

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About the Author

Jillian. Jill. Jilly. Jilly Bean. Bean. And like a seed in soil, "Bean" stuck. Bean Carries On is my garden. A place to cultivate thoughts about the things I care about. I’m a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a teacher, a gardener, a reader, an artist, a cook, and an empath. I want this to be a place where we can learn together, so please leave comments and if there's anything you want to know, please ask!