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³ H - J O K E 2 7 . T X T º
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Splendid! Hardly one month after H-JOKE26 was unleashed on an unsuspecting
public, volume #27 in the series of humour compendiums does pretty much
the same thing... Here goes: We present to you...
Title: H-JOKE27.TXT
File size: 579,286 bytes (unformatted for printing)
Date: 29-06-2000
And, to top it all off, I need a piss right now. Wait for me, I'll be back!
There, I'm back. Bet you didn't even know I was gone...
This is the last H-JOKE compendium. No more. The end. Stop. Period. Fin.
After more than five years of collecting, assembling and compiling
jokes, I've decided to call it quits. We sign off with a big bang. H-JOKE27
is unquestionably the largest edition, and possibly one of the best too.
It contains the usual lot: Standard jokes of all natures, satires, strange
facts and statistics, the battle of the sexes, Y2k dilemmas, Darwinisms,
news of the weird, and South Africa (which is surely in a class of its
very own). Add to this some remnants of the HMVH Corporation BBS by way of
statistics and some rather interesting log files, you are about to embark
on a reading journey that goes to prove that life is often funnier
than humour.
Enough waffle - time to sign off: It was great while it lasted. Enjoy!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
IF MEN RULED THE WORLD
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response
to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of
your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur
in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off.
Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would
be celebrated every month.
'Cops' would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at
the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which
the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it.
I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm
very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in
this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over
to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both
return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the
problem here?" "There's no fucking problem, dammit!" the man says,
"I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to
open a damn checking account in this damned bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Are You an Unreconstructed, Right-on, Rogue Male? Or a Delivery Boy of the
New Male Order? Are You a Man or a Louse? Find Out Below.
1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a. lovemaking
b. screwing
c. the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only
after you've both shared:
a. your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b. your blood-test results
c. five tequila slammers
3) You time your orgasm so that:
a. your partner climaxes first
b. you both climax simultaneously
c. you don't miss SportsCenter
4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a. healthy, creative love-play
b. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a. the best part of the experience
b. the second best part of the experience
c. $100 extra
6) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
a. no concern of yours
b. not a problem, she can join your gym
c. a conservative estimate
7) You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a. a myth
b. an oxymoron
c. a moron
8) Foreplay is to sex as:
a. appetizer is to entree
b. primer is to paint
c. a line is to an amusement park ride
9) Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship:
a. "I hope we can still be friends"
b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep"
c. "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU."
10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a. probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy
b. is uptight and a waste of time
c. shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
Evaluating the results:
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check in your pants to so if you
really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you
more than a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his
girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and
yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya thinks yas doing?" (Aussie accent).
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got
me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. "Sheila," he says "Not
only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
If Dear Abby Was A Man
Dear Abby:
Q: My fiancee' still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he
will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase
with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your
partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy
him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention
this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so
he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue,
this will bring all of the family together. Why not have some cousins get
involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your
relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a
great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you
to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely
painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank
him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with
it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to
video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To
ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook
him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love. We have no time to
talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest.
In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and
the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he
cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves
you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him
a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love
your man as much as you should. He has to work a lot to get you in the
mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by
buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him
and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present. And don't
forget to cook him a delicious meal.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two
times a week, we go to a nice restaurant to have a little wine
and some good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I'm not going to report it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Take me somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an
escalator.
All my wife does is shop - once, she was sick for a whole week,
and three stores went out of business.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and I've no
place to sit down!" So, I bought her an electric chair.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there
twice a week.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night. Only this time, I was the one who stayed in the bathroom
and cried.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in
the carburettor. I told her she doesn't know a carburettor from a
bed pan, but she insisted that the car wasn't running well and
that there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car
was, and she told me it was in the lake.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. She
called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
I came home, and the car was in the dining room. I asked my
wife, "How did you get the car in here?"
"Easy," she replied. "I took a left at the kitchen."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
"Things you'll never hear a woman say"
------------------------------------
1. I'll swallow it all... love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the pub with your mates?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
7. You're so sexy with a hangover.
8. I'd rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.
9. Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
10. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
More "Things You'll Never Hear a Woman Say..."
---------------------------------------------
11. I think belching is really sexy.
12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you
see other women.
15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.
16. I love a good cigar after sex.
17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big bass boat.
18. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
19. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish
I could meet her one day.
20. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
21. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson
fight at a bar.
22. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
23. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing.
Wear it again today.
24. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
25. You don't swear enough.
26. I love it when you finger me while you drive.
27. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper
and we can spend the money we save on beer.
28. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
29. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding.
They go with anything.
30. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that
girl a slut! She's just really friendly.
31. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
32. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
33. Oh yeah, any hole you want.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
- A dog's parents will never visit you.
- A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
- A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
- A dog never expects you to telephone.
- A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
- A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
- A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
- A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
- The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
- A dog does not shop.
[Hold on a moment... why is this list SHORTER than
the "HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN" list? -Ed.]
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
- Both mark their territory.
- Neither tells you what's bothering them.
- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
- Neither do any dishes.
- Both fart shamelessly.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
- Both like dominance games.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
- Dogs miss you when you're gone.
- Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
- Dogs admit when they're jealous.
- Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
- Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they
never laugh At how you throw.)
- You can train a dog.
- Dogs are easy to buy for.
- The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is
rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the
one that gives it to you).
- Dogs understand what "no" means.
- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do
the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We really don't know; it has never happened.
Q: Why is it always so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
Q: When do you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I must be able to do better than that.
Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: Practice makes perfect.
Q: What do you call a man who's lost 90% of his brain?
A: Divorced.
Q: There are two men standing on the edge of a cliff. One of them jumps off
the edge of the cliff. Which one?
A: Who cares?
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over
them for life.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the shit out of you.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who
makes all their decisions.
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Why do men love computers?
A. No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why do bachelors like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A: The man.
Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.
Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A: Because so many men fake foreplay.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.
Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.
Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their
guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.
Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable
while the other is just having a baby.
Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating
hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.
A: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.
Q: What's easier to make:? a snowman or a snowwoman?
A: A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to
hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
A: Castrated.
Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So men can remember them.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile and keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or battered you in any way
To hell with this endless poem....
THE PERFECT MAN IS GAY!!!!!
[Bullshit! - Ed.]
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Women and Men's Ages
Women's Ages:
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa...
virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia...
hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America...
fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with
her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 58, she is like Europe...
exhausted, but still has many points of interest.
5. After 58 she is like Australia... everybody knows it's
down there but nobody gives a damm!
Men's Ages:
1. Between the ages of 18 and 32...Tri-weekly.
2. Between the ages of 32 and 50...Try, weekly.
3. Over 50...Try, weakly.
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Definitions
Thingy (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really
turned on.
Glass ceiling (glass see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper
levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the
office one flight up.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with
the guys.
Butt (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufacturer makes look
bigger.
Male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
Making love (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
Remote Control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2-* minutes.
Taste (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make
sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to
tossing it out.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a
man.
-----
Marriage is a three ring circus:
1. engagement ring
2. wedding ring
3. suffering
-----
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
-----
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders
why.
-----
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got a
girlfriend
-----
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your
relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I
like mine."
-----
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have
whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets
double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK,
give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
-----
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say
he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it
is in the microwave.
-----
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-----
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to
get your laundry done free.
-----
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it
cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't
know, son, I'm still paying for it."
-----
A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money,
the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I
wouldn't be here."
-----
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
-----
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
-----
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is
to forget it once.
-----
Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading
between the lines.
-----
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing
your parachute.
-----
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
-----
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
-----
Marriage is grand-and divorce is about 10 grand.
-----
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors
listen.
-----
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
-----
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you say. After marriage, he will fall
asleep before you finish.
-------------------------------------------
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the
bar after an Interfaith convention.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons,
one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
The Catholic pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing boy, I have 10 sons, one more and I'll
have a football team!"
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain't got a clue.
I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
What is a Cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to
give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats......
And it explains why we can "Fight like cat & dog"
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Bill Gates recently compared the OS market with the soft drink
market, explaining that Microsoft is hanging on for dear life in
the ultracompetitive OS market while Coke enjoys a real monopoly,
since they'll be on top forever, but the DOJ doesn't pick on them.
Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas.
We might end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke.
That'll be $3.99.
J: Uh, I don't want a Coke.
C: Sorry, they're bundled.
J: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
C: You don't; the Coke is free.
J: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
C: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's
got integrated Coke!
J: I already bought a Mountain Dew (ok, ok - Snapple) across the
street - I'm not going to drink the Coke.
C: Then you can't have the burger.
J: Okay, fine, I'll pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
C: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally
inseperable.
J: How can that be? They're two totally seperate things!
C: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
J: Why did you just do that?!?!
C: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with
two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of
a continuous taste across all your foods.
J: Aaarrgh!
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1. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
2. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
3. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
4. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
5. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
6. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
7. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
8. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
9. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
10. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
11. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
12. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
13. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
16. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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The Buffalo Theory
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo.
When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for
the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the
weakest members.
Much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast
as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all
know,kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and
more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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Operation Save-The-Frog
My brother told me last night that he was having trouble with his
co-op log sheets. He was writing nothing more than "Fixed a computer"
in the logs. He said that they wanted the log sheets to be more
technical -- but you know the saying, be careful what you wish for...
Monday:
I repaired a computer by serializing the bus cables on the primary
IDE drive controller. Another computer was experiencing a critical
processor slowdown upon initialization of the application(Win95). I
have been unable to properly locate the problem in the boot logs --
I will be running more extensive tests tomorrow.
Tuesday:
I installed a relative positional locating device onto the primary
serial port of an i586. The computer was also lacking the capability
to read removable magnetic media, so I rectified the problem by
disabling the proprietary floppy controller and attaching an
alternate card.
Wednesday:
Today the computer referenced in the text above was still
experiencing the processor lock. Upon opening the computer, I took
a gander at what I discovered to be a substandard proprietary
Compaq(tm) Single Inline Memory Module. I took the measures
necessary to replace this offending device, unfortunately the CPU
halt still occurs on initialization of Win95.
Thursday:
I feel that the Compaq(tm) SIMM replaced on the P(4,2)th day of this
month had already done its damage to the computer. I located the
manual and followed these steps to clean the polluted memory slot
(under the heading defibrilation):
1. Put tin foil between the new SIMM and the female memory
motherboard connector.
2. Flicked the power supply rapidly on and off 8.5 times.
3. Waited for BIOS examination and write to CMOS to complete.
4. Turned off the computer, and removed the tin foil and SIMM.
5. Placed the SIMM back in the computer.
Unfortunately, the computer was still experiencing the
aforementioned error. I have determined that a reinstall of the
application (Win95) is necessary.
Friday:
I contacted the owner of the computer to confirm his wish of
reinstallation of the application. Following his direction, I
performed "Operation Save-The-Frog" on his critical data
(Budweiser(tm) screen saver). I then performed a destructive
partitioning operation on the non-removable magnetic medium. Upon
reinstallation of Win95, however, the station persisted in refusing
to initialize the virtual device driver loader (itself a virtual
device). I will resume my attempts to coax this program into
properly loading upon my entrance into the workplace on
initialization of the following week.
Friday night:
Unfortunately, I have just learned that "Operation Save-The-Frog"
was a failure. The service will be held on Tuesday.
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I want to write a letter to New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.
You see, New York is in the unenviable position of being able to
play the single most extraordinary practical joke that the world has
ever seen. Mayor Giuliani has announced that 1999 was the final year
for the current New Year's ball that they drop in Times Square every
New Year's Eve. They are planning to replace it with a new ball for
the new millennium (rumor has it that it will be a crystal ball --
but I digress).
Now, picture this: It is the evening of December 31, 1999, and the
entire world is one huge party. A certain song by The Artist Formerly
Known As Prince(tMS) is blaring from PA systems the world over.
Sysadmins are predominantly attending mandatory office
parties, quietly praying that all those "We Have No Y2K Problem"
memos they sent out during the year don't come back to haunt them.
And New York City is stacking them three-deep in Times Square --
hundreds of thousands of drunken, freezing idiots who will have only
bad hangovers and the early signs of pneumonia with which to welcome
the Third Millennium.
Suddenly, the ball starts to drop ... champagne corks are poised at
the ready ... the tension mounts -- especially for the sysadmins at
those mandatory office parties ... Times Square is about to erupt in
a cataclysmic explosion of inebriated humanity that is completely,
blissfully ignorant of Y2K except that it's a really great reason to
kiss several thousand complete strangers ... and finally, the new
Times Square New Year's ball lights up -- and proudly (?) displays:
1 9999 000 000
11 999 999 00 00 00 00
111 99 99 00 00 00 00
1111 999 99 00 00 00 00
1 111 99 99 00 00 00 00
111 999 99 00 00 00 00
111 999 99 00 00 00 00
111 999999 00 00 00 00
111 99 00 00 00 00
111 99 00 00 00 00
111 99 00 00 00 00
111 99 00 00 00 00
111 99 99 00 00 00 00
11111111 999999 000 000
You have to admit, it's a great plan. It would be the world's most
memorable practical joke (well, next to the U.S. having elected Bill
Clinton to a second term) -- and Mayor Giuliani could be just the man
to pull it off.
Or at least he'll HAVE to be the man to pull it off, since no one
else is really in a position to put the wrong damned century on the
ball in Times Square.
Well, I'm off to compose my letter to Rudy. Meanwhile, we'll hear
from the geeks in the audience. They're the only ones who are sure
to understand the "1900" joke, anyway -- as well they should,
considering that they're the ones who created the problem in the
first place. ;-)
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A little bit of philosophy for you...
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean,
life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get
at the end of it? A death. What's that, some kind of sick bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in
an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you
get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for
high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have
no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into
the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
you finish off as an orgasm.
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I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time
we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody
on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight
attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay,
and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in
30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman
who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he
had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly
underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire
flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name,
said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would
you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied,
"No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a
completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the
pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot
was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only
tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
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The following quotes were taken from actual
medical records as dictated by physicians...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had
stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left
side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the
third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her
husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she
began seeing me in 1983
Patient was released to outpatient department
without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before
standing, and then, when he stands with the help
of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore
we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at
another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been
remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound
weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs
went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe
shortness of breath with a picture of acute
pulmonary edema at home while having sex which
gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and
anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get
this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good
health until his airplane ran out of gas and
crashed.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I
thought you would like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and
sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the
room.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court",
real court transcriptions, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
-A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
-Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
-The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.
-The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
-The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter
on backwards.
-Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
-Camel's milk does not curdle.
-The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A"
is Afghanistan.
-The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
-If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but
more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the
bottom.
-A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air
is a skein.
-A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known
as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is
called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales
is called a pod. A group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of ravens
is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of
larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament.
-In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
-Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
Three-fourths of household water is used to flush the toilet and take
baths and showers.
Sex for one hour will burn off 11 Hershey Kisses, or 360 calories.
15% of U.S. women send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day.
In the Brazilian jungle, women of the Apinaye tribe bite of portions of
their mates' eyebrows during intercourse.
In Vermont, USA, it is illegal for women to wear false teeth without the
written permission of their husbands.
It is now proven that smoking is the biggest source of statistics.
Parthenophobia is the fear of virgins.
Doctors around the World expected April 9th, 1999 to be a Record setting
day for SEXUAL activity. Reason...Chances are the best that your child,
if conceived that day, will be born on January 1, 2000.
Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth.
The average life span of an umbrella is 1 1/2 years.
Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to have been born in a
hospital.
Normally there are born 94 females to 100 males. But among quadruplets
there are 156 females for every 100 males.
The slipper-shelled snail starts life as a male and gradually turns
female as it grows up.
Fingernails have a life span of three to six months. That's how long it
takes them to grow from base to tip, progressing at the pace of 1.5
inches a year -- or 0.000000047 inches a second.
In the wild, orcas are thought to live to seventy or eighty years of
age. There is some evidence that females live longer than males, and the
average life expectancy of male orcas is around forty to fifty years.
John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's
son.
Neutering a cat extends its life span by two or three years.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
------------------
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
------------------
You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
---------------------
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
----------------------------
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
---------------------------------------
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
----------------------------------------------------------
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
--------------------------------
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
-------------------------------
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
-----------------------------------
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
------------------
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
-------------------------
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
--------------------------------------------
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
----------------------------
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
----------------------
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
--------------------------------------
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)
[Actually, the airline is mocking the general American public
which happens to be perpetually stupid! -Ed.]
On a Swedish chainsaw:
---------------------
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume:
-----------------------------
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Letters to English Council's Housing Department:
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has
backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very
badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls
against my fence.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of
the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night
that blew them off.
5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from
the wall.
7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my
wife is about to become an expectant mother.
10. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers.
11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared.
12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.
13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in
three pieces.
14. Would you please send a man to repair my sprout.
I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road;
every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting
too much.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and
would like a third so will you please send someone around
to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would
be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by
the man I have on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and
satisfy the wife.
20. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six
times, but still have no satisfaction.
21. We are getting married in September and would like it in
the garden before we move into the house.
22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken
and we can't get BBC2.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Credit Card Conundrum
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston, Massachusetts,
received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed
$0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following
month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they
were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return
of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer
error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his
account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment
for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called
the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again
and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill
for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having
spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill
was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would
be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to
pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the
debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their
own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly
processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he
now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied
that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.
The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers
that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them
$0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking
steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying
his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
[And we think that Y2K is a problem?? - Ed.]
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with cloth or a piece of wood at all times.
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -but only in tropical
fish stores.
In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing
or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
The following are exceptionally clever.
Dormitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent (hmmm...)
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :)
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it
Princess Diana.... Ascend in Paris (freaky, right?)
This one's truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in
the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
The Anagram:
"Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!"
The following one is most controversial and topical:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come
across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing
discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks
to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't often
meet people, but when he does he gives them six wishes.
He tells them that they can have three wishes each.
The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in
the forest be female, which the frog immediately does.
The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash
helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.
The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next
wish, he asks that all the bears in the neighbouring
forests be female as well, and thus it is so! The rabbit
then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears
before him. He climbs on board and starts revving the engine.
The bear cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that
he has wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, he makes his final wish, 'That all the
other bears in the world be female as well.' The frog replies
that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for
his last wish. The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for
a second, and then says:-
"I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as
he can!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A guy goes into a bar with his dog on a leash.
The barman says, 'Jeez, that's a weird dog, all
stumpy legged, no tail and pink, but I bet my
rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.'
50 bucks is laid down.
Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to
pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will
win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's all over
there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the
place. The drinker pays up and says, 'Say, what
breed is that anyway?'
The owner says, 'Until I cut his tail off and
painted it pink it was the same as every other
alligator.'
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him,
and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him.
The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says,
"What'll it be?"
The man says," I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's
yours?" "I'll have a pint as well" says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the
cat, and says "I suppose you want a drink too." "The cat replies, "I'll
have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says "That'll be three
pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around,
and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in
change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact
amount out of the same pocket.
The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar.
"I'll have a pint.", says the man. "Same for me.", says the ostrich, and
the cat orders up a half..."But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of
yesterday.
The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This
becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter
again.
"The same?" asks the barman. "Well", says the man, "it's close to last
orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich enquiringly.
The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll
have a small scotch... but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "that'll be
seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact
seven & twenty out of his pocket.
As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his
curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's
something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the
exact chug out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years
ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she
died, she left me her old house.
Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old
lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two
wishes."
"That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"
"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my
pocket and the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a
million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live."
"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing,
sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches
drinkin' in 'ere...?"
The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I
ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the
genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
An actual sign in a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
*******************
"Vet's Joint Business Venture"
My brother, tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years,
and went to veterinarian school. His new business
never got off the ground so he decided to operate
both his taxidermy and vet business together to save
money.
His new slogan was:
"No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back!"
*******************
"Vet's Second Opinion"
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day
and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates, then quickly replies. "Ummm.....they're making
cakes!"
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having
sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with
the same response, "making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother,
"Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night,
weren't you?"
Shocked, the mother says, "How do you know that?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back
a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and
gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like
this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with
her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still
nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands
and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies,
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most
beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on
her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and
offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well", said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into
solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an
exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly
woman's dog raised his head a uttered a single, weak, hoarse
"woof". "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a
handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned
into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man
anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly
imagine.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came
toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his
lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry
you ever had me neutered."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
One day, shortly after having her 9th baby,
the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest.
He congratulated her on the new offspring,
then said: "But isn't having nine babies a little
much?"
"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get
pregnant so often, it must be something in the
air."
"Yes," said the priest, "your legs."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A guy, hanging out in his favorite bar spots a fabulous babe walking in
on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and
is surprised to discover that she's a hooker. He watches her the rest
of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to
him.
The next night he goes back to the bar and sure enough she shows up
again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, yes I am. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!?! For a hand job? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door.
Sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash
for that Ferrari with money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth
it."
The guy mulls it over for a while and decides what the hell. He leaves
with her and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had.
This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his
miserable life.
The next night he's right back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to
show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait until you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out
front at a 12-storey apartment building. "I paid cash for that building
with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with
her and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next
night he can hardly contain himself 'til she shows up. "I'm hooked,
you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost to go all the way?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that
island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I were really a woman, I'd own that
island!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Okay, you all know about the smilies ;-)
but did you know about... Virtual Breasts!
(o)(o) Perfect Breasts
( + )( + ) Fake Silicone Breasts
(*)(*) High Nipple Breasts
(@)(@) Big Nipple Breasts
(.)(.) Tiny Nipple Breasts
o o "A" Cups
{ O }{ O } "D" Cups
(oYo) Wonder Bra Breasts
( ^)( ^) Cold Breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided Breasts
(Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts
(p)(p) Hanging Tassels Breasts
(:o)(o) Bitten by a Vampire Breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's Breasts
( - )( - ) Flat Against the Shower Door Breasts
< o >< o > Electric Shock Breasts
|o||o| Android Breasts
(/)(o) Scratched Breasts
(8)(o) Extra Nipple Breasts
(^o)(o) Zit on Breast
( o Y o ) Poses for Playboy Breasts
( /\ )( /\ ) Madonna's Breasts
(?)(?) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Why Sex Is Better Than School
=============================
10. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and
only because they haven't had sex yet.
9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.
8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like
smoking something a whole lot stronger.
7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.
5. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.
4. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still
cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is...
1. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At
school your teachers screw you regardless!!!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
TIPS FOR YOUR BOSSES
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait
until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge
of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me
every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every
keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're
going. It gives me a chance to be creative when
someone asks where you are.
4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me
what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a
mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell
me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office
and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I
have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that
gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my
name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be
whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't
write them down. In fact, save them until the job is
almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I
have no right to know anything. In the corporate
food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else
has any and it's nice to know someone is less
fortunate. I especially like the story about having to
pay so much taxes on the bonus check you
received for being such a good manager.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document
and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly,"
said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and
pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent," said the CEO as his
paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.
Candidate A: associates with ward healers and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium
in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.
Which of these candidates is your choice??
Candidate A was Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B was Winston Churchill
Candidate C was Adolf Hitler
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like
both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they
will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
back to the office and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
Q. What's the difference between Electrical Engineers and
Architects?
A. Electrical Engineers build weapons, Architects build
targets.
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big it needs to be.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal,
here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and
W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge
to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become
Mine, All Mine.
Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women
merge to become Knott NOW.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem
of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring
success in job placement:
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they
are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Technical Publications.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Now, here's some trivial stuff that'll make you think twice...
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England
in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but
actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth,
which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor
of his brother.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed
in plane crashes.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left
hand.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually
turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter in the English language.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that
they start with.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able
to remember the word you want [Aaaah, that's the word I couldn't
think of at the moment! - Ed.]
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters on only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one
olive from each salad served in first-class.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a
population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres.
The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.
[...and it is? -Ed.]
Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million
other people in the world.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.
The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters
long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
No president of the United States was an only child.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are
usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Silly Signs:
Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the
light goes out.
Bargain basement upstairs.
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it
back or further steps will be taken.
Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself.
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on
the draining board.
This is the gate of heaven. enter ye all by this door. (This door is
kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)
We exchange anything -bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring
your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after
being opened. Open tomorrow.
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask
anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep
them in order.
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be
disposed of.
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth
much but our petrol is.
Elephants please stay in your car.
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care
on the first floor.
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull
charges.
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door -the bell
doesn't work)
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.
[Flush must not be forgetable every after use (on the door of a Telkom
toilet)]
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Sex, and what your favourite colour reveals about it
----------------------------------------------------
Before you read this, decide what your favorite color is.
No looking ahead or changing your mind, either. Got it?
The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you
drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is
the colors you select for your possessions. Most people
claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and
you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home
decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears
most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you.
A panel of psychologists, explained the association between
color and sexual patterns.
RED:
-!-
People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack.
They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable.
Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish.
When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make "Lady
Chatterley's Lover" seem tame. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors
and weaker colors should be aware.
YELLOW:
------
If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and
turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is
yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is gay.
In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's
desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the
fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody
you enjoy or admire.
PINK:
----
Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters.
Women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver.
In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they
secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire
wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts.
They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and
not keep one, preferring to pick up someone in some bar instead.
Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.
PURPLE:
------
Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too
sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the
type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their
approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more
concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.
BLACK:
-----
Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily to
race). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek
out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex
and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature.
They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under
stress or pressure. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders
prefer the color black. It is also no coincidence that the uniform
of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.
GREEN:
-----
Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their sexuality.
Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their
life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in
a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but
not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry
about infidelity.
ORANGE:
------
Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies.
The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which
they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love.
They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue. Orange people
often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good
act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave
red welts on their sex partner's back.
BROWN:
-----
If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate.
Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and
desires of their partners. Love is a 24-hour a day thing, they can
never get enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or
catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of
brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their
emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.
GREY:
----
The color grey is preferred by people who are indecisive.
They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so
they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex
as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less.
Grey women don't make love, they have intercourse, and for one of
two reasons: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant.
They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is
over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey
spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey
marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.
BLUE:
----
Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners.
They are sincere, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's
needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is
elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately
ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women
in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting
partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave.
Both women and men enjoy foreplay. In marriage a blue person is
a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.
WHITE:
-----
If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy.
These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene
and to make love in the daylight is unheard of. Women who love
white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and
after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their
genitals.
Contributed by -
Sasha Martinengo "DJcool"
5FM Music Radio DJ
Night Radio ! 7-10 PM : Monday to Friday
10am - 2 pm Sundays : The Coca-Cola 5FM Top 40
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Words From Women:
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton
"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy." - Erica Jong
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't
decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner
"This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho
and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" " - Judy Tenuta
"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." - Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them." - Sue Grafton
"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on" - Roseanne
"I think-therefore I'm single." - Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country." - Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an
assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted
as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything
done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career." - Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they
should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which
answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every
morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late
at night." - Marie Corelli
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Actual Newspaper Headlines
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1998 MUSTANG, 5L,
AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE
89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF
3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED. CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND
FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON
HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND
BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY
ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS-$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON- FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Actual answers given by contestants in the game show "Family Feud":
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the '90's:
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast
food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is
that they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage
to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to-do-list" that includes entries for lunch
and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that
never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed [or emailed] your Christmas list
to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets
and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question 'to valet park or not' is
rhetorical.
14. You refer to your diningroom table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long
some of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways
to improve their process.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats
to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for
a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
expensive restaurant in town within the same week [or day! -Ed.]
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing
a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know
your next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making
Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put
his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
The following are genuine extracts of letters received by the
Ministry of Labour (South Africa) from people enquiring after
money on the grounds of hardship. They are exact copies as
they were received:
Neither the wording nor the spelling has been altered.
1. I am glad to state that my husband died yesterday. I will
be glad if you get me a pension. If you dont hurry up I will
have to get public resistance.
2. I am enclosing my marraige certificate with three children.
One of them is a mistake as you can see when you look
into it. I am writing to say my youngest son is born two
years old. Why not getting allowances for it.
3. I am enclosing certificate with six childran. One of them
twins died. You asked if he is christened: yes he was
baptised on half a sheet of paper by a certain Captain in
the Salvation army.
4. The man I live with won't work and he wants to know if my
husband is dead. Will you please search through your
records office for him and let me know.
5. In accordance with your Instructions I have given birth to
twins In the enclosed envelope.
6. I want money as badly as quick as you can send it. I have
been in bed under the doctor for weeks and he doesn't
seem to be doing me any good. If things don't improve I
shall have another doctor.
7. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
8. Re your dental enquiry, the teeth at the top are still
alright, but the ones in my bottom are hurting me terrible.
9. Please send me a form for cheap milk. I have a baby 2
month old and did not know about it until the neighbor told
me.
10. My son is unable to attend school. He has had diarrhoea
through a hole in his shoe.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
HOW MANY OFFICIAL LANGUAGES? JAWELNOFINE!
-- A survival guide for visitors to South Africa --
(You better read this, hey?)
What is a braai? It is the first thing you will be invited to when
you visit South Africa. A braai is a backyard barbecue and it will take
place whatever the weather. So you will have to go even if it's raining
like mad and hang of a cold. At a braai you will be introduced to a
substance known as mealiepap. Read further for an explanation of "pap".
Now that you know what a braai is, here are some other words and phrases
you will encounter in South Africa, used by folk of all persuasions,
genders and ethnic adherences. You do need to know what they mean.
Really.
Ag. This is one of the most useful South African words. Pronounced
like the "ach" in the German "achtung", it can be used to start a
reply when you are asked a tricky question, as in: "Ag, I don't know".
Or a sense of resignation: "Ag, I'll have some more pap then". It can
stand alone too as a signal of irritation or of pleasure.
Biltong. Similar to jerky, it is dried, salted meat and can be made
from beef, ostrich, antelope or anything that was once alive and fairly
large. It is usual for expatriate South Africans to say: "What I really
miss is my biltong, man".
Bioscope. Pronounced "byscope", its use is going out of fashion
and in some urban areas, regrettably, it is being replaced by "movies"
and "flicks". Sometimes it is reduced to "bio" or "scopes". But you
may still be asked if you would like to go to the byscope.
Blooming. Pronounced "blimming", it is roughly equivalent to "helluva",
as in: "Ag, that pap I had at the braai made me blooming sick". For
emphasis, "blooming" can be replaced by "bladdy" which, in turn, is a
corruption of the Australian "bloody".
Cafe. This is the generic term for convenience stores and is pronounced
"caff" or "cayf". Traditionally operated by people of Portuguese, Greek
or Asian ancestry, it is a good place to buy smokes, biltong or the Alka
Seltzer you will need after trying pap at the braai.
Cape Doctor. Older residents of Cape Town give this name to the
south-easter which blows in summer months, usually forming a
flat, rolling cloud over Table Mountain - the "table cloth" - and
sometimes shutting down harbour operations. It was called the Cape
Doctor because old-timers said it blew all of the city's bad air out to
sea along with accumulated street garbage, discarded newspapers and
suchlike.
Dirtbin. Self-explanatory, this is a garbage can. It is also called a
"rubbish bin". If you refer to rubbish as "garbage" you will be
considered blooming pretentious.
Doll. A term of affection between males and females, it is used
mostly in the Johannesburg area. A corrupted form of "darling", it
will be heard thus: "Your turn to take out the dirtbin, Doll". "But I
took it out the last time, Doll". "Well take the bladdy thing out
again, Doll".
Donner. A rude word, it comes from the Afrikaans "donder" (thunder).
Pronounced "dorner", it means "beat up". "Your rugby team can get
donnered in a game, or your boss can donner you if you do a lousy
job."
Dummy. If you find yourself in the company of a couple with a
baby and the woman says, "pass me the dummy," she is not necessarily
asking that you bring her husband to her. She is referring to the
rubber, nipple-like thing they stick in babies' mouths to shut them up.
A dummy is a pacifier.
Eina. Widely used by all language groups, this word, derived from the
Afrikaans, means "ouch". Pronounced "aynah", you can shout it out in
sympathy when someone burns his finger on a hot potato at a braai.
Fixed up. This means "good". An example is this exchange: "You
don't have to take the dirtbin out, Doll; I took it already".
"Fixed up, Doll".
Gogga. This is an insect, a bug, and all three of the g's are
pronounced as though you are about to spit. South Africa is rich
in goggas, some of them cute - like the harmless mantis and the
intriguing stick insect - but others are disgraceful. The cockroach is
the most disgraceful, especially when they fly. Natal has some monsters
which could challenge Florida roaches any day. In its early days, the
country's state-run TV service earned the enmity of viewers by
scheduling a documentary on cockroaches at a time when millions
of South Africans were sitting down in front of their sets with their
Sunday evening meals on their laps. A highlight was how to dissect a
cockroach. It did not go down well with the Sunday lunch leftovers.
A disected cockroach is even more disgraceful than a whole one.
Guava. Everybody knows that a guava is a fruit - and a bladdy
lekker one too. It is especially nice stewed and served cold with
smooth custard, as lots of boarding school students will affirm. Guava
juice is refreshing at breakfast. But in South Africa a guava is also
a backside, a butt, a bum. If someone is behaving in an annoying
manner, you can threaten to "skop (kick) him up his guava". But it
is inappropriate and politically incorrect to issue this warning to
someone who is not a good friend. It will be taken amiss. Also, it is
not polite to laugh if the Cape Doctor bowls a stranger over on to
his or her guava.
Hang of. This is the same as the American "heck of", as in: "I
have a hang of a headache" or "I had a hang of a good time at the
braai".
Hap. Pronounced "hup", this means "bite" and is used in the following
fashion: "Give me a hap of your apple. Ag, please".
Isit? This is a great word in conversations. Derived from the two
words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to
contribute if someone tells you at the braai: "The Russians will
succeed in their bid for capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and
respect for private ownership". It is appropriate to respond by saying:
"Isit?"
Jawelnofine. This is another conversation fall-back word.
Derived from the four words "yes", "well", "no" and "fine", it means
roughly "how about that". If your bank manager tells you your account
is overdrawn, you can say with confidence: "jawelnofine".
Jislaaik. Pronounced "Yis-like", it is an expression of astonishment.
For instance, if someone tells you there are a billion people in
China, a suitable comment is: "Jislaaik, that's a hang of a lot
of people, hey".
Just now. Universally used, it means "eventually" and sometimes
"never". If someone says he will do something "just now" it could
be in 10 minutes or tomorrow. Or maybe he won't do it at all.
Lekker. (Pronounced Lacquer) An Afrikaans word meaning nice,
this word is used by all language groups to express approval. If you
see someone of the opposite sex who is good-looking, you can exclaim:
"Lekkerrr!" while drawing out the last syllable. But that use is now
thought politically incorrect in some areas.
Lappie. A lappie (pronounced "luppy") is a cloth, a rag, used to
wipe up a mess. You will find it in a machine shop to clean up oil
spills, in a bar to wipe away spilled beer, or in the nursery where a
baby who is munching a rusk (a hard biscuit found in every household)
needs its face and hands hosed down and lappied every three minutes.
All babies look like Winston Churchill and all smell of rusks.
Make A Plan. You will hear this good old South African phrase
quite a lot. It means things might be screwed right now but we'll think
of something just now. If you miss the bus to the airport, the
hotel receptionist may say, "Don't worry man - we'll make a plan". If
that plan includes the hiring of a taxi, you may want to think twice
about it.
Marmite. Contrary to American disinformation, Marmite is not discarded
axle grease. Bought in small glass jars at supermarkets and cafes,
Marmite is a salty vegetable extract and is the S.A. answer to peanut
butter (American), or Vegimite (Australian). Generations have grown
up with it on their school sarmies and, in turn, have inflicted it
on their own children. This process has been going on for so long now,
Marmite has become unstoppable.
No. This word has many meanings in South Africa other than the
opposite of "yes". Your host at the braai is likely to say: "No, I see
your plate is empty. You want some more pap?". Another example; if
the clerk in a shoe shop asks if she can help, you may reply: "No, I'm
looking for some tackies". This means: "Yes, I'm looking for some
tackies".
Oke. (Pronounced Oak) A "guy" or "chap" or "bloke". If you quite like
someone you can say: "Ag, he is an OK oke". Instead of "oke" you can
also say "ou" which is pronounced "Oh".
Pap. Encountered at braais, pap is boiled corn meal. Pronounced
"pup" it has the appearance, consistency and, many say, the taste of
moist Plaster of Paris. Lots of South Africans pretend to like it.
Eating pap is character building in the sense that one learns to grin
and bear adversity, rather like Americans in the South have grown
spiritually by consuming grits. In religious context, this process is
called self-flagellation.
Sarmie. Sandwich.
Shame. Like "No", this word can mean the opposite of its meaning
in other parts of the world. If someone shows you a baby, you can
say: "Ag, shame". This does not mean the baby is ugly, it means the
baby is cute. If the baby is ugly, it is more accurate to say:
"Shame, hey". If the baby is truly hideous, it is appropriate to say:
"Jislaaik". This may not be appreciated by the baby's parents.
Skinder, Skinner, Skinnerbek. Gossip is one of life's little pleasures,
and that is what "skinder" is - gossip. The word is usually
pronounced without a hard "d" and most people will simply call it
"skinner". A "skinnerbek" is someone who does it a lot, commonly
without paying too much attention to the facts. Such a person can be
very popular at office tea breaks, at parties and other social
gatherings - unless the skinner is about you, in which case the
skinnerbek is a louse who deserves a skop up the guava.
Skop, Skiet en Donder. Literally "kick, shoot and thunder" in
Afrikaans, this phrase is used by many English speakers to describe
action movies or any activity which is lively and somewhat primitive.
Clint Eastwood is always good for a skop, skiet en donder flick.
Snoep. This is a favourite word, and it is used by all language
groups throughout the land. Pronounced "snoop" with a short "oo" sound
as in "book", it means stingy, mean, selfish. Be discreet about using
it. For example, it may not be a good idea to say to your bank manager:
"Unless I am granted this loan I shall have to conclude that this bank
is snoep". That won't help your cause. Sometimes people use this word
when they fuss over their friends' infant children:
"Don't be so snoep with a kiss - gimme a big one".
Stikkie. (Pronounced stucky) This is also a very favourite word for
"piece". It is used when you want a piece of the action. "Give me a
stikkie!".
Stroppy. This word means pugnacious, difficult, aggressive, and it
can be used appropriately at any level of conversation. For instance,
a child who refuses to eat his stewed guavas can be described as
stroppy. Or you may overhear the following comment during a discussion
on international affairs: "This Saddam Hussein - he's a real stroppy
ou. But he better watch out because these Yanks are not snoep with their
missiles and he could fall on his guava. Big time".
Tackies. These are sneakers or running shoes. The word is also
used to describe automobile or truck tyres. "Fat tackies" are big tyres,
as in: "Where did you get those lekker fat tackies on your Volksie (VW),
hey?"
Vaalie. These are the horde of creatures that descend on Cape
Town once a year at Christmas time. They traditionally drive Big
Expensive Cars and are inevitably towing Venter Trailers which they
store the kids in. In the New South Africa, they are also known as
"Gauties", this word is derived from "Gauteng", which is where we wish
they would all go back to. Anyway, be nice to Animals, hug a Vaalie.
Veteran. South African political reporter Brian Stuart, now with
the Citizen and then with the Argus, achieved modest local fame by
being the first known journalist to report that some seagulls fly
backwards in strong south-easters. That's news you can use when the
Cape Doctor is visiting.
Vrot. (Pronounced Frot) A wonderful word which means "rotten" or "putrid"
in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything they
really don't like. Most commonly it describes fruit or vegetables
whose shelf lives have long expired, but a pair of takkies worn a few
times too often can be termed vrot by unfortunate folk in the same room
as the wearer. Also a rugby player who misses important tackles can
be said to have played a vrot game - but not to his face because he won't
appreciate it. We once saw a movie review with this headline: "Slick
Flick, Vrot Plot". We enjoyed the headline more than the movie.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A study was made recently to determine the average crime rate at
international airports around the world. The study made use of an
ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading
a newspaper. He had an empty briefcase next to him which he would
ignore.
Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be
snatched:
At Brussels the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds.
At Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds.
At Heathrow the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes.
In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds.
In LA it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched.
The experiment was going to be held at Johannesburg International
Airport in South Africa, but the people conducting the study were
hijacked on the way there.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at
Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing,
Prof. Miller.
In a class Assignment:
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to
re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story
coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been
reached."
"The following was actually turned in by two of my English
students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name
deleted."
----------------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was
out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established.
No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of
his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must
one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks
who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress
had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one
to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized
Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist
on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
----------------------------------------------------------
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
Bitch.
===============================================
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
One day a mother was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she found
an S & M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine
until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while
she was cleaning. He looked at the S & M magazine and handed it back to her
without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
He looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should
spank him."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Subject: #623: Battle of the sexes - The female perspective
I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes,
wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So
THIS is screwing!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly
jabbed with a needle.
2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is
to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your
football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific
equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I
wasn't there.
3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will
tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.
4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will
not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor
will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
6. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position
you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie
there, grinning.
8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and
inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies.
Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so
they have to stay.
9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet.
And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that
you have "ruined me for other men".
10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and
remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will
only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in
charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine,
of course.
Signed:____________________________________
Date:________________
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the
bathroom and cried.
Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he
wants me to be the
first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he
actually thinks I haven't
noticed.
Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of
Nelson's Column and
burst into tears.
Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his
'problem.'
It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just
like they were on our
wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra,
hoping to lift something
other than his mood.
Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger
King, the manager
asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But,
have to admit it's
very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the
lawn, he was
using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to
make matters
worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I
feel
tacky all over....
Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker
drill. I woke up
this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even
washing but he still
keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...
Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with
a scud missile. I
can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the
bastard.
Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started
dressing like a nun but
this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on.
The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.
Last night I told him to go and f**k himself and he did.
Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing
explodes. I did
suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Christ
!!! here he comes
again.
Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all
day with that remote
control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
What absolute bliss!!.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
This is a moral question for you.
It is an imaginary situation, but it is fun to decide what you would do.
The situation:
You are in the eastern districts of Zimbabwe, and there is a huge flood
in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and
infrastructure destroyed.
You are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service,
travelling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
Suddenly, you stumble across a helicopter crash. It's Mugabe and he's
struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you have
the choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph
of the death of the Father of the nation ....
The question is -
What shutter speed would you use?
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
+-----------------------------+
| The Ant and the Grasshopper |
+-----------------------------+
THE ORIGINAL LEGEND:
An ant and a grasshopper live in the same field. During the summer the ant
works all day and night, bringing in supplies for the winter and preparing
his home to keep him warm during the cold winter months ahead.
Meanwhile, the grasshopper hops and sings, cutting all the grass he wants.
Come winter, the grass dies and it is bitterly cold. The ant is well-fed
and warm in his house, but the grasshopper is not prepared for the winter,
so he dies, leaving a whole swarm of little grasshoppers without food or
shelter.
Moral of the story is that one should work hard to take care of yourself.
THE SOUTH AFRICAN VERSION:
The first part is the same, but because it happens in South Africa there
are a few minor complications...
The starving, shivering offspring of the grasshopper demand to know why
the ant should be warm and well-fed, while next door they are living in
terrible conditions without food or proper clothing. A TV crew shows up
and broadcasts footage of the poor grasshopper, contrasting this with
footage of the ant, snug in his comfortable home with a pantry full of
food. The public are stunned. How can it be, in this beautiful field, that
the poor grasshoppers are allowed to suffer, while the ant lives in a lap
of luxury?
In the blink of an eye the AGU (African Grasshopper Union) is formed. They
charge the ant with "Species Bias" and claim that grasshoppers are the
victims of 30 million years of Green Oppression. They stage a protest in
front of the ant's house and trash the street.
The TV crew interviews them, and they all state that if their demands are
not met, they will be forced into a life of crime. Just for practice they
loot the TV crew's luggage and hijack their van.
The TRC (Take and Redistribution Commission) justifies their behaviour by
claiming that this is the legacy of the ant's discrimination towards the
oppression of the grasshoppers. They demand that the ant apologises to the
grasshopper for what he has done, and that he make amend for all the
other ants in history who have done the same thing to the grasshoppers.
PAGAD (People Against Grasshopper Abuse and Distress) stated they are
starting a war against the ants. The president appears on the 8 o'clock
news and says that he will do everything he can for the grasshoppers who
have been denied the prosperity they deserve by those who have benefited
during summer. The government drafts the BEGAD (Economic Equity for Greens
and Disadvantaged) act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant
is fined for failing to employ a proportionate number of Green Insects and
having nothing left to pay his back taxes. His bonus is confiscated by the
government for redistribution. The story ends as we see the grasshoppers
finishing off the last of the ant's food while the government house he's
in (which just happens to be the ant's old house) crumbles around him
because he does not know how to maintain it. Showing on the TV (which he
and a couple of friends appropriated from another ant), the president is
standing before a group of wildly singing and dancing grasshoppers, deftly
announcing that a new era of equality has dawned on the field.
The ant, meanwhile, is not allowed to work because he has historically
benefited from the field. In his place, ten grasshoppers only work two
hours a day and steal half of what they harvest.
The winter comes again and nothing has been harvested. They strike and
demand a 150% increase in their wages so that they can buy more food,
which now has to be imported because the grasshoppers are not productive
enough to produce food locally. The ant packs his things and emigrates to
another field. He starts a highly successful food company and becomes a
multi-millionaire by selling food to the field from where he came.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History
Attila the Hun:
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered
all of Asia by 450 AD--from
Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and
pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation
for ferocity on the battlefield, he
tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night,
however, he really cut loose,
gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a
nosebleed, but was too drunk to
notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.
--------------------
Tycho Brahe:
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking
research allowed Sir Isaac
Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table
before the meal was over. Brahe,
known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition -- but failed to relieve
himself before the banquet
started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too
polite to ask to be excused.
His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11
days.
--------------------
Horace Wells:
Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s
How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide.
While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells
became addicted to chloroform.
In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a
letter he wrote from jail, he blamed
chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the
attack. Four days later he was found
dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed
open his thigh with a razor.
--------------------
Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a
philosopher, a writer, and a
scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken.
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the
wondrous notion that
maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was
used. Determined to find out, he
purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing
outside in the snow, attempted to stuff
the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon
did.
--------------------
Jerome Irving Rodale:
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming
and Gardening" magazine, and
founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of
organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a
sugar-crazed taxi driver," was
only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way
through the interview, he
dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never
aired.
--------------------
Aeschylus:
A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father
of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head
According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them
open by dropping them on rocks.
An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on
him instead.
--------------------
Jim Fixx:
Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the
jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack....while jogging
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and
began jogging. He'd only gone
a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that
one of his coronary arteries was
99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and
that Fixx had had three
other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.
--------------------
And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who
wrote music for the king of
France.
While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his
staff, and drove it right through his
foot. He died of infection.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
(I REALLY WONDER HOW THE PEOPLE IN TOURISM REMAIN SANE??????)
Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney
Olympic Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may be
appropriate.
* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and
if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)
(Sure, there's only 8 million of them)
* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn
blue? (Germany)
(More likely brown, considering the effluent...)
* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
(Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question,
who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...)
* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
(Depends on how much beer you've consumed...)
* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which
direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to
avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
(Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held
in Sydney.)
* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow
the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
(Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started
about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games...)
* Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
(And accomplish what?)
* It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
(I'm not touching this one...)
* My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.
Will you let her in? (South Africa)
(Why? We do have toilet paper here...)
* Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
(No, and we use shells for money too)
* Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
(???)
* Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
(Depends if you get an ugly one or not...)
* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
(Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)
* Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
(No. Everybody stinks.)
* Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
(Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and
most national parks...)
* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
(Yes. At Christmas.)
* Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
(Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)
* Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
(Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)
* Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)
(What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)
* Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
(A blonde?)
* Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
(Rattlesnakes? There is only serum for the Funnel Web and Red-Back
Spiders. You will need to contend with White-Tail Spiders, Brown,
Tiger and Red-Belly Black snakes, sharks, Red Kangaroos, Blue-ringed
Octopuses and the 3am pub closing time/taxi change-over)
* Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
(Face North and you should be about right)
* Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
(Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing
between Austria and Australia.)
* I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
(Another blonde?)
* I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
(From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)
* Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors?
(Italy)
(Yes. Outdoors.)
* I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
(Yes, except in America.)
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the awarding of the
Darwin Award. This prestigious award recognizes those people, who through
stupid and inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society by
removing their genes from the gene pool. So here are the runners-up for
this year's award.
(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained
from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his
buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while
expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic
miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he
caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him
plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a
blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way
for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse
while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him
stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the
partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge
pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark
enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.
(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
fishing in the River Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the
main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The
electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the
water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live
wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic
twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first
anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own
dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in
the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his
bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have
pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter
was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as
he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the
victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of
his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled
the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.
(August 1999, Australia) Drinking one self to death need not be along
lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his
competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney,Australia
hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a
100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for
beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning
total of 236, (winners never quit)! which had also netted him the
literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than
Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual
temple of over-indulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his
workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic
pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17
shots of tequila within 1hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level
would have been 0.41 to 0.43,but Allan had vomited several times after the
drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the
hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not
intervening. It is not known whetherAllan required any further embalming.
(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British
farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67,
was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the
back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle,
knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near
Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The
next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told
reporters.
First Runner Up Award goes to ...
(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia
with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to
tamper with the devices.Three friends recently spent an evening sharing
drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province
of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one
man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded antitank mine found in his
backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing
Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine.
The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated
with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives
could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything,"
the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.
And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....
(5 September 1999,Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time
caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30
Israel time on Sunday,two coordinated car bombs exploded in different
cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was
initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by
klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely
explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from
daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of
Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers.Palestinians refused to "live on
Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been
prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time.
The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result,
the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to
the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine,
woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had
diarrhea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was
urinary pain.
It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the
wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her
vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has
ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes
continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of
wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.
She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. When
medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor
of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe.
Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic
had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which
was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying
there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body
out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the
tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor
with a wet popping sound.
Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile
bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it
sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself
back and forth.
The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting
in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so
horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.
The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping
and splashing at a furious pace.
If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened: Ms.
DeLucci's death was the result of a combination of shock and severe
head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what
she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the
toilet and then on the floor.
It is believed by police that two nights before the accident she had
Used a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently
inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive physical
pleasure.
At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it
to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a
Lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in
front of the tub.
The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag.
Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic
hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobsters' tail joints.The
lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters.
The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud
shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them
they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly
boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's
vagina when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days
to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period.
Doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the
perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version
of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US.
Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in
size every ten minutes!!!
You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and
gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.........
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
>> I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could have
>> an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen
>> nuggets.
>> "We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
>> "You don't?" I replied.
>> "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
>> "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?"
>> "That's right."
>> So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
>>
>> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>>
>> A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
>> pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she
>> said she was shopping on the Internet and they asked for a credit card
>> number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".
>>
>> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>>
>> Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
>> was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
>> paper. What do I do?"
>> "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told him. With that,
>> the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
>> photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
>>
>> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>>
>> I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
>> into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
>> the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the
>> manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise
>> control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
>>
>> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>>
>> Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
>>
>> ~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~
>>
>> My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
>> large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
>> their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
>> branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back
>> of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
>>
>> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>>
>> I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the
>> next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became
>> visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the
>> amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to
>> say, she was very disappointed.
>>
>> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a
member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying with us today. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of
us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft
is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes
to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave
the aircraft."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a major airline announced: "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
"Welcome aboard... To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than this airline."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a U.S. flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude
now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too,
so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the
flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight...!"
Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came
on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault... It was the asphalt!"
Overheard on a flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying with us." He said that in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
Part of a Flight Attendants arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
join us again."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
I believe that they had to withdraw the new Robert Mugabe stamp
from the Zimbabwe post office...
It seems that the people were confused at which side to spit on first.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
> Megalomaniac Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe was rather perplexed by the
> outcome of his constitutional referendum ( Massive NO vote) so he decided
> to go and visit his Nyanga (Shona version of a Sangoma or witch doctor).
> He looks at the Sangoma and says "I want some Muti that will tell me how to
> ensure my victory over the neo colonialists and their deluded black lackey
> filth columnists who think that because they are a majority they can vote
> for whom they like."
>
> The Nyanga says "I am throwing the bones and the spirit of our ancestors was
> to be talking me."
>
> So Bob says " How am I to determine the way forward in this, with the
> various infrastructures and role players and stake holders who must conform
> to the greater Government vision for the masses.
>
> The Nyanga says "Comrade President, please be removing the trousers and the
> underpants."
>
> Bob obliges.
>
> "Now I am wanting you to place this mirror between your knees and go into a
> crouching position."
>
> Bob obliges.
>
> The Nyanga says " And looking in the mirror what are you seeing?"
>
> Bob says "I am seeing my arse"
>
> And the Nyanga says " Get used to it, Comrade President"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Question: Do you miss Princess Diana?
1 14% Yes ÜÜÜ
0 0% No
0 0% Who?
0 0% What a sad way to go.
4 57% Bummer. Shit happens. ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ
0 0% Not as much as my sister misses her!
0 0% Boooh-hooo... sob, sob!
2 28% Who cares, where's the crash pictures? ÜÜÜÜÜÜ
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
"While we live according to race, colour or creed
While we rule by blind madness and pure greed
Our lives dictated by tradition, superstition, false religion
Through the eons, and on and on
Oh yes, we'll keep on trying
We'll tread that fine line
Oh oh we'll keep on tryin'
Till the end of time."
- Queen (Innuendo)
"Near the top of the list of women that men would most like to screw
would be the First Lady - Hillary Rodham Clinton."
- Al Goldstein (Screw Magazine, March 1993)
"I lost my virginity as a career move.
- Madonna
"I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear."
- Freddie Mercury
"Alain Prost is in a commanding second position."
"A mediocre season for Nelson Piquet as he is now known and always has been."
"With two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action,
which it is."
"And now Jacques Laffitte is as close to Surer as Surer is to Laffitte."
"Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the five in front
of him."
- Murray Walker
"I don't think there's money to be made in poetism."
- Patrick Kirby
"God creates dinosaur
God destroys dinosaur
God creates man
Man destroys God
Man creates dinosaur."
- Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jurassic Park)
"Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate."
- Monty Python (The Meaning of Life)
"Every year is getting shorter
Never seem to find the time."
- Pink Floyd (Time)
"My hangovers have gotten worse as I've gotten older."
- Suzanne Vega
"In the early 80's, I grew increasingly curious as to what it would be
like to be sober...
It became an obsession with me.
I thought, Christ, how would I feel?"
- Iggy Pop
"You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twirp, scumbag,
fuckface, dickhead, asshole!!!"
- Otto West (A Fish called Wanda)
"Everything I say is complete lies. Like, when people ask you what 'Relax'
was about, when it first came out we used to pretend it was about
motivation, and really it was about shagging."
- Mark O'Toole (Frankie goes to Hollywood)
"I strongly support the concept of 'One man, one vote'.
I also believe that I should be that one man."
- Herby Hnigsperger
"The film 'Damage' had several rather explicit sex scenes. But my
wife wasn't at all concerned when she saw the picture. Later, she
told someone that she knew I was acting and faking the sex. As she
said, 'Of course I knew he was only pretending - he can't really
last that long.'"
- Jeremy Irons
"There are only two ways of doing something: the wrong way, and my way!"
- Herby Hnigsperger :)
"I find television very educating. Everytime someone turns on the set
I go into the other room and read a book."
- Groucho Marx
"To whom it may concern:
This is a genuine suicide, as you will find when you do an autopsy. I am
neither mad nor despondent, just fucking bored with all the bullshit that
makes up modern life. I do not want a funeral, as there is no money to pay
for it and it does seem a rather pointless exercise. Fuck you all."
- Genuine suicide note
"I'm just an old slag who gets up every morning, scratches his head and
wonders who he wants to fuck."
- Freddie Mercury
"In America there are the Republicans and the Democrats, also referred to
as the Conservatives and the Liberals. Here in South Africa, the two major
political parties are the National Party and the African National Congress:
Basically the Conservatives and the Primitives..."
- Herby Hnigsperger's infinite nightshift wisdom
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve it through not dying."
- Woody Allen
"The spunk plus the bomb plus the punp plus the torture instrument times
Frankie equalling the bang is an exclusive piece of ZTT exploitation."
- From FGTH's "Welcome to the Pleasuredome" LP sleeve
"If I have sex in the morning, I have a big smile on my face for the rest
of the day."
- Grace Jones
"With these kids I saw a perfect opportunity to absolutely run amok. I was
going to be the best manager who mismanaged everything."
- Malcolm MacLaren
"I do odd gigs on television, all these shows like 'Guess my arsehole' and
'Whose legs are these?'. They're grim. Whenever I go on, I clown it up,
and they never ask me back again. I love breaking clichs. The clich is
the handrail of a crippled mind."
- Spike Milligan
"Rock stars are horrible people. Being a street cleaner or a baker is a
more honourable profession."
- Michael Hutchence
"It's a ridiculous statement to make - the Russians love their children
too. And yet it's not. It's the world that's ridiculous. People should be
saying to me 'Why the fuck are you writing such nonsense?'"
- Sting
"Nowadays, it's so politically correct to be black that whites actually
begin to develop feelings of guilt about the colour of their skin."
- Herby Hnigsperger
"We treat groupies like shit because that's what they are."
- Slash
"That I'm found attractive is bizarre to me. I didn't completely belong
at any of the schools I went to. I had a funny name, funny face, big nose,
and people told me I was more ugly than pretty."
- Uma Thurman
"The only black magic Sabbath got into was a box of chocolates."
- Ozzy Osbourne
"The world dictates that heteros make love, whilst gays have sex."
- Boy George
"I won't get divorced. Not only could I lose my wife, but I could lose all
my money too."
- Lionel Ritchie
"Being a porn actress is fantastic. You get to know people on the most
intimate level. No man can hide his real character when he is busy
splashing himself all over you."
- Porn actress Melissa Horne
"The one dilemma of living here is giving so much money to a government
I disapprove of. Every year there's another cruise missile with my name
on it."
- George Michael
"Would I beat up a journalist again? Yeah. Like I said, I'm only human."
- Kevin Rowlands
"I'm just trying to do as many normal things as possible. My wife and I
go shopping, I push the trolley, and she puts stuff in it. Like everybody
else does. I buy toilet paper, and people look at me like 'God, he uses
toilet paper like everybody else'. Well, yes, I do."
- Phil Collins
"Journalists are vermin. They are scum, vicious scum. I wouldn't hire them
to protect my sewer. They're idiots, and I don't perform for idiots."
- Lou Reed
"Rock journalism is people who can't write, talking to people who can't
speak, for people who can't read."
- Frank Zappa
"When we did the 'I want to break free' video in drag, everyone in England
thought it was very funny, but America hated it and looked on it as some
gross insult."
- Brian May
"Stock, Aitken and Waterman are like second hand car salesmen or
something. They're awful!"
- Roger Taylor
"Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it can damn well give it!"
- Freddie Mercury
"Warwick has overtaken Alan Jones and, in the process, moved up a place."
"Just under ten seconds for Nigel Mansell - call it nine point five
seconds in round figures."
"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be
some kind of grip problem."
"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboretto
is fifth."
"I imagine that the conditions in those cars today are totally
unimaginable."
- Murray Walker
"I like to ridicule myself. I don't take myself too seriously. I wouldn't
wear these clothes if I was serious. The one thing that keeps me going is
that I laugh at myself."
- Freddie Mercury
"The famous actor, the rock star - you never see them vomit or take a shit;
you never smell their breath or their farts, or hear their snores or trip
over their pee-stained underwear. It's not a person you're thinking about;
it's a plastic illusion."
- Debra Winger
"He (Saddam Hussein) is neither a strategist , nor is he schooled in the
operational art, nor is he a tactician, nor is he a general, nor is he a
soldier. Other than that, he is a great military man."
- General H. Norman Schwarzkopf
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place."
- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
"I detest computer sex. Having an erotic chat with someone on a
Bulletin Board is like cutting a rose and keeping it in a vase on the
mantelpiece. It brings no satisfaction to either the rose or the vase,
despite the one being inserted deeply in the other."
- Porn actress Suzanne Di Liggio
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
- Mark Twain
"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him."
- John Barrymore's dying words
"The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
world put together."
- Sir Peter Medawar
"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea..."
- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue."
- Voltaire
"It's not that I'm afraid to die -- I just
don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen
"Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they did not they
would have married too."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"I once went through a lot of infantilism sexually. When I began sexual
activity in earnest, my point of view was simply to try to seduce
everyone I could. But at the time, I had trouble with ejaculatio praecox,
premature ejaculation, which is really a form of impotence. I finally
found a solution, but not in therapy - I worked it out for myself."
- Jack Nicholson
"As usual there's a great woman behind every idiot."
- John Lennon
"Marriage: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two."
- Ambrose Bierce
"There's nothing wrong with going to bed with somebody of your own sex...
People should be very free with sex - they should draw the line at goats."
- Elton John
"If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping centre in the world?"
- Richard M. Nixon
"When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging, but when some of my patrons
serve it in the White House, up on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality."
- Al Capone
"Politicians should read Science Fiction, and not westerns or detective
stories.
- Arthur C. Clarke
"He's in front of everyone in this race except for the two in front of him."
"Into lap 53, the penultimate lap but one."
"Here's Giacomelli - driving like the veteran he is not."
"Only ten of the starters who began this race are left."
"I make no apologies for their absence; I'm sorry they're not here."
- Murray Walker
"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
passing through civilisation in between."
- Oscar Wilde
"Contrary to what some people may think, bodybuilders' penises are the
same size as everyone else's. It isn't a muscle, so it doesn't grow in
relation to the shoulders, say, or the pectorals.
You can't make it bigger through exercise, that's for sure."
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu
speech.
- Mark Twain
"You can tell when politicians are lying... They move their lips."
- Max Headroom
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
- Albert Einstein
"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce."
- Don Quinn
"Clothes maketh the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society."
- Mark Twain
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets,
the more interest he takes in her."
- Agatha Christie
"A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends
more than two hours working on his hair."
- Steve Martin
"Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together."
- Mel Brooks
"It's not the world that's got so much worse but the news coverage that's
got so much better.
- G. K. Chesterton
"If my doctor told me I only had six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood.
I'd type a little faster."
- Isaac Asimov
"Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point A are so keen to get THERE. They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be."
- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"I am ready to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal
of meeting me is another matter."
- Winston Churchill
"The battle is well and truly on if it wasn't before, and it certainly was."
"The lead is now 6.9 seconds. In fact it's just under 7 seconds."
"The gap between the two cars is 0.9 of a second - which is less than
one second."
"Tombay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now."
"Speaking from memory I don't know how many points Nelson Piquet has got."
- Murray Walker
"Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette
packet."
- Billy Connolly
"I'm not against half-naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be..."
- Benny Hill
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster
and a radio."
- Joan Rivers
"Shareware will remain a viable marketing method, as long as the users
(who can't live without a Shareware product), realize that the Authors
can't live without their registration fees."
- Jim Harrer (Mustang Software)
"I knew it. Today is Monday, cleverly disguised as Tuesday."
"Sometimes when you least expect it, Monday strikes!!"
"Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life."
"You know it's Monday, when you find a land-mine in your Corn Flakes."
- Garfield (Comic Strip)
"I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless bastard!
It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is haled as a genius. Why,
in comparison with him, Raff is a genius".
- Tchaikovsky.
"The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor thing.
Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these
atoms is talking moonshine".
- Ernest Rutherford.
"I don't like the way my teeth protrude. I'm going to have them done, but
just haven't had the time. Apart from that... I'm perfect."
"I hate pockets in trousers. By the way, I do not wear a hose. My hose is
my own. No coke bottle, nothing stuffed down there."
- Freddie Mercury
"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does."
"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding a bit rough?"
"With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go."
"We're looking at the man who won in '83, '85 and '86, so this could be his
hat-trick."
"He's obviously gone for a wheel change. I say 'obviously' because I can't
see it."
- Murray Walker
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instanly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizzare and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
already happened."
- Douglas Adams (HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"She is both the greatest asset and greatest liability to Clinton's
campaign for the White House. She is intelligent and has a successful
career of her own. She is also attractive, which is a two-edged sword;
with most men wanting to go to bed with her, and most women wanting
to scratch her eyes out."
- Time Magazine on Hillary Clinton, February 1992.
"Saying that a porn actress doesn't achieve sexual satisfaction while
fucking is bullshit. The fact of the matter is that men who watch the
movies want a woman to remain unsatisfied, it reminds them of their
wives; while the women who enjoy porn are watching the guy, not the
woman, and want to see him come all over her. It fulfills their own
fantasies in a way their husbands can't. For that reason we are
sometimes far better actors than the ones in Hollywood."
- Porn actress Melissa Horne
"When we started out, Lou Reed would come and insult us.
Now I can go over to his place and insult him."
- David Byrne
"The most difficult part of having sex in front of a camera is having
to fake pleasure when the guy between your legs has bad breath. That's
why I prefer anal sex. At least he's behind you for most of the time."
- Porn actress Amber Lynn
"If nothing is worn under the kilt, everything being in 'perfect working
order', why are there so few Scotsmen, compared to, say, Chinese?"
- BBS SysOp Janet Blair
"Paradise is just like where you are right now, only much better."
- Laurie Anderson
"College isn't the place to go for ideas."
- Helen Keller
"I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."
- Oscar Wilde
"Nothing is above satire. Not even religion!"
- John Cleese
"No woman will ever be elected as President,
they never reach the required legal age."
- Nancy Reagan
"I'm not Bowie. I'm not artistic. I can't sing to a skull.
Can you see me sitting on stage, singing to a teapot?"
- Rod Stewart
"It's easier to split an atom than to break down a prejudice."
- Albert Einstein
"The liberation of women seems to have become impossible without the
imprisonment of men."
- Barry Ronge
"Very few men will swallow another man's sperm. Yet a woman is
duty-bound to, not only do it, but enjoy it as well. The fact
that so many wives do is the real mark of a woman's ability to
understand her husband better than he does, himself."
- BBS SysOp Janet Blair
"God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one
at a time."
- Robin Williams
"I think a little depression is valuable for writing, and sometimes
it comes on me very strong. Freud said that, but then he had cocaine."
- Leonard Cohen
"This is a low-paying job compared with crime. I knew kids making
ten million dollars a week! Drug dealers do drive the fanciest cars...
until they get killed."
- Ice T
"I don't mind if someone thinks a picture of me decorates their wall
nicely. It's weird when you think what people might be doing to it.
But if just the way I look can make someone feel good, that's a pretty
easy way for me to bring them some pleasure. I just don't want to hear
about graphic detail, you know."
- Cindy Crawford
"Chrissie Hynde does not sell as many records as somebody like Mariah
Carey. And that's because Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston don't have
a fucking point of view... perhaps somebody like Mariah Carey wishes
she could provoke reactions, but if you're not terrribly bright I don't
suppose you give a damn."
- Madonna
"I'd die if I was Madonna! I would die.
God, what a horrible way to live."
- Alicia Silverstone
"The Internet is the most important single development in the computer
industry since the IBM PC was introduced in 1981. Like the PC, the
Internet is a tidal wave. It will wash over the computer industry and
many others, drowning those who don't learn to swim in its waves.
Consequently companies must account for the Internet in their plans."
- Bill Gates
"I didn't want to play the Commie-obsessed weirdo Davis Ferrie in JFK,
but director Oliver Stone insisted, saying no one else could play the
part. He told me I was a nut, and I said, 'Well, it takes one to know
one. I heard you're a cuckoo clock too.'"
- Joe Pesci
"Madonna and I have never met, though people sometimes mention our names
in the same sentence. But we did sit across the court from one another
once at a basketball game. She was with a mutual friend.
The next day, he told me Madonna said she wanted to come over and give me
a big French kiss. Why? Because I'm the only one she hasn't done it to?
Not in this lifetime!"
- Sharon Stone
"Pornography titillates and captivates the sickest of the sick and makes
them slaves to their own consuming lusts."
- Jimmy Swaggart
"They had me there twirling and dropping the baton for the bending over
aspect. I was there for the pervert fathers. Looking at my underpants."
- Deborah Harry (on being a drummie at school)
"I have vivid memories of being a prostitute in another life. My New Age
friends go: 'Oh, you really need some help.' I'm just like: 'No, you're
full of shit if you don't talk to your own self.' I get tired of being
judged by my own self-righteous New Age women friends. I'm ready to stick
my crystals up their ass."
- Tori Amos
"If all my lyrics were about me, I'd be a drunken prostitute somewhere."
- Sheryl Crow
"I'd like to go back in time to when I could meet Jesus. I'd like to go
back in time to when I had more hair. And most important, I'd like to
go back to three weeks before I decided to do 'Hudson Hawk'."
- Bruce Willis
"I HAVE a little bit of penis envy.
They're ridiculous, but they're cool."
- kd lang
"Everyone from Mozart to James Brown got into this business to get laid."
- Terence Trent D'Arby
"I don't write political songs because to me that is outdated. I will
never use the name of Nelson Mandela to further my aims and fatten my
bank balance."
- Ray Phiri
"All the politicians got together to create something to drug the youth,
so they wouldn't see the truth. And they called it John Travolta."
- Bob Marley
"I do know what my songs are about. Some are about three minutes, some
are about four minutes, and some, believe it or not, are about eight
or nine minutes."
- Bob Dylan
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey
"Africans either had to accept inferiority or fight against it by
violence. We chose the latter."
- Nelson Mandela
"So you think that money is the root of all evil?" said Francisco
d'Anconia. "Have you ever asked what is the root of money? Money is
a tool of exchange, which can't exist unless there are goods produced
and men able to produce them. Money is the material shape of the
principle that men who wish to deal with one another must deal by
trade and give value for value. Money is not the tool of the
moochers, who claim your product by tears, or of the looters, who take
it from you by force. Money is made possible only by men who produce.
Is this what you consider evil?"
- Ayn Rand (Atlas Shrugged)
"The thing I like about my body is that it's strong. I can move
furniture around my apartment. I can ride my horse... I can play
basketball. It's a well-functioning machine."
- Cindy Crawford
"You know, I always wanted to be a surgeon, but it's better to
be a cannibal. If you're a surgeon you have to put the body back
together and you stop having control over it.
But a cannibal kills and then he can do what he wants with the body.
After he kills, he owns it forever."
- Russian serial killer Illshat Kusicov
"Men are carried by horses, fed by cattle, clothed by sheep, defended
by dogs, imitated by monkeys, and eaten by worms."
- Hungarian proverb
"Reporters ask me what I feel China should do about Tibet.
Who cares what I think China should do? I'm a fucking actor.
I'm here for entertainment, basically, when you whittle
everything away. I'm a grown man who puts on makeup."
- Brad Pitt
"I don't want to run a company. I'm not good at managing people.
You have a problem with the guy in the next cubicle? I don't care.
Shoot him or something."
- Marc Andreessen, founder of Netscape
"If you really want to torture me, sit me in a room, strapped
to a chair, and play Mariah Carey over and over again."
- Cameron Diaz
"Being called 'Mummy' during sex turns me off..."
- Garbage's Shirley Manson
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Your Choice: (> View Users Purity Scores (sicko!)
#1 Wayne Pascoe..................... 78%
#2 Craig Mcnaught................... 75%
#3 Philip Galt...................... 69%
#4 Jose Rodrigues................... 68%
#5 Ian Roulstone.................... 60%
#6 Sheldon Van Niekerk.............. 54%
#7 Herby Hnigsperger............... 51%
#8 Janet Blair...................... 44%
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
BRAT: A kid who behaves much better than your own children, but belongs to a
neighbor.
CHILD PSYCHOLOGY: That wonderful device employed by parents who are allowing
the child to have it's own way.
PAR: What a golf addict's children call their father.
PRAISING YOUR WIFE: Try it, although it will frighten her at first!
MISUNDERSTOOD HUSBAND: One whose wife really understands him.
MARITAL DIFFICULTIES: It's not the institution, its the personell.
ASIAN MARRIAGE: In certain countries of Asia, a man does not know his wife
until he marries her. But then, why single out Asia?
SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE: One in which the couple has a prayer book, a check
book, and a cook book.
COMMON SENSE: That which would have prevented a great number of divorces by
having prevented a great number of marriages.
THE BETTER SPOUSE: The better spouse is the spouse who is not trying to make
the other person better.
MOTHER: A woman whose life is disorganized around her children.
PUPPY LOVE: That which always evolves into a dog's life.
CHINESE PROVERB: No married household can hang out a sign reading "No
problems here."
CONSIDERATE HUSBAND: Always willing to purchase a new summer outfit for his
wife - a new rake and some seed packages.
TELEVISION: Proof positive that some people would much rather look at most
anything other than one another.
HOME: The place where the kids stay, while the automobile is being repaired.
CHILDREN: Young persons, most of whom would be on the right track if only
the parents provided the correct switching facilities.
HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to
say so.
FATHER: The man who has complete command, most of the time, of the dog.
PARENT: A person able to supply toilet paper from nowhere on instant demand.
DOCTOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all
this happen.
MEALS: Those things which Mom and Dad eat, and which the kids inhale.
GROCER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all
this happen.
TELEPHONE: A natural growth from a child's ear which comes about in late
grade school and subsides sometime during college.
BUBBLE GUM: The thing that Mom and Dad never touch, and which the kids
exhale.
KITCHEN: A room the kids have discovered in their quest for snacks.
REPAIRMAN: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching
all this happen.
NEIGHBOR: A person very often quite willing to call the Orkin Man and sick
him on your children.
INSURANCE MAN: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just
watching all this happen.
STEREO SALES PERSON: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just
watching all this happen.
PLUMBER: A person who comes to your home and asks you if you own it free and
clear, before he goes out to the truck to bring in tools.
PSYCHOLOGIST: A person with problem children at home who is going to charge
money to tell you how to raise yours.
PSYCHIATRIST: A person with even more problem children at home who will
charge you even more to tell you how to raise yours.
TRUANT OFFICER: A person in the employ of the school district who is forced
to come around and tell you a giant lie - the school wants
the kid back!
RETAIL OUTLET CLERK: A person who can tell you more about your children
than any parent really wants to hear.
DENTIST: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all
this happen.
SCHOOL: A place where kids congregate to observe and discuss just how dumb
teachers really are.
SHOE SALESPERSON: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just
watching all this happen.
PROUD PARENTS: A man and woman, father and mother, who feel sure that the
retail outlet clerk is not talking about their child!
WATER METER READER: A person who keeps looking around your place, to see
where the circus is located, since you are obviously
watering all the animals.
BATHROOM: A small room subject to continuous instantaneous disaster.
CLOSET: The very last place anyone thinks to look for any lost item.
ORTHODONTIST: A professional who, when approached, asks if you own your own
home free and clear, and then asks whether the grand-parents
own their home free and clear.
SCOUT LEADER: Real proof positive that God still makes Saints!
SHOPPING MALL SECURITY AGENT: A person possessed of very obstinate
conviction that Retail Outlet Clerk is an
absurd optimist.
CHAUFFEUR: An average Mother who must deliver five children to six places in
ten minutes, during the rush hour, and then get home to cook
supper before anyone gets home.
CAR POOLING: A game whereby Mom plays Chauffeur only every so often, which
allows time for blood pressure to return to normal and strength
to flow for next time.
CHILDREN'S BEDROOM: A place for which you had better have a fairly stiff
excuse if some health official visits.
GARAGE - An area said to have been built for a thing the size of a car which
now is taxed when you try to put the lawnmower away.
CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS: Those items recently found on an Easter Egg Hunt
which could not be found last November or December,
and so you bought new ones, which are now lost.
SCHOOL PLAY: A socially recognized ritual which brings parents together in a
gym during the hottest of spring evenings, when the heater for
the school mysteriously turns on and runs at full steam.
SCHOOL PLAY STARLET OR STAR: Your own child, who portrays the deck of a
sinking ship.
BABYSITTER: A person old enough to know what to do, but not old enough to
know better.
BABYSITTER: A fairly small person who can eat more than a horde of locusts.
BABYSITTER: A person who gets paid for emptying your fridge, deep freeze,
kitchen cabinets, and who asks you for money to reimburse the
Pizza delivery person.
LAUNDRY: A good place to look, if it is not to be found on the floor in the
children's bedroom.
PETS: The chief cause of the neighbors remarks about why you do not take out
a zoo license.
BACK YARD: An area seldom used and even by accident in fairly good order.
FRONT YARD: The area in which your kids and the neighborhood kids dig
trenches to play war. The City sends an investigator to see if
you are tampering with the water meter.
MUDHOLE: See above, Front Yard.
DRIVEWAY: Where your teenage son parks the 1964 Renault Dauphine he is going
to restore, if the parts can be found....and they can't.
RENAULT DAUPHINE: The car unanimously voted the most ugly commercial product
ever produced by civilization in the entire history of
humanity.
TOW-TRUCK OPERATOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money
selling that old Renault Dauphine to teenagers and
having them park it on their drive, until the parents
revolt and order it towed away.
GARBAGE COLLECTOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money
watching all this happen.
GRANDPARENTS: People who think a Shopping Mall Security Officer is marked
with the sign of the beast, a fiend, a criminal or worse.
GIRL SCOUT COOKIES: What sweet little innocent girls sell that causes you to
contact the Trust Officer at the Bank.
INVESTIGATOR: A Public Park Ranger on Special Assignment, who tells you that
your son CAN write, and does a fairly nice job of signing his
name in spray paint. However, the statue is of Washington,
not Bobby Thurston, and so you owe the Park Board $ 250!
SCHOOL BUS SUPERVISOR: Another form of public servant who arrives to
reinforce the paint spray episode, and you learn how
much it will cost to repaint those buses!
POLICE OFFICER, JUVENILE DIVISION: Another public servant who arrives to
inform you that the Thurston Railroad
Overpass now needs repainting, since
this new logo for the railroad was done
in bad taste and is incorrect.
BREAD TRUCK DRIVER: Calls to ask if you are going to repaint the delivery
truck, or if the matter will have to go to court.
Does not deliver Thurston Bread!
ATTORNEY: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all
this happen.
JUDGE - JUVENILE COURT: Is happy to see that this matter is being handled in
a very expeditious manner and all damages are being
paid for.
SEASONED PARENT: One who has learned that, in the wrong hands, a can of
spray paint can easily cost over one thousand dollars!
NEWSPAPER REPORTER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money
watching all this happen. Writes up detailed report,
giving your home address and listing all previous
offenses of family, including the time Grandpa stole
horse from undertaker.
ATTORNEY (2): A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all
this happen. Informs you that there is nothing to be gained by
going after the newspaper reporter. Advice costs about half
the price of spray paint.
EDITOR: Defends reporter and refuses to run ad about reporter in paper.
COFFEE SHOP: Location of final discussion and wisdom of whole affair.
Discussion ceases when you are present, takes up after you
leave.
WEEKLY SHOPPER (Free): Owner refuses to run ad about Editor of Local Paper
TRAFFIC: Continuous stream of automotive congestion caused by readers of
local paper, seeing where the phantom painter actually lives.
DOCTOR (2): A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all
this happen. Gives you medication for recent high blood
pressure. And some light sleeping pills to help you get to sleep
despite traffic in front of your home.
PHARMACIST: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all
this happen. Gladly fills prescription for medication and
offers liberal free advice on what to do with budding artist.
WRITER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this
happen and writing it up for publication. Comes to interview you
and ask about chances of your cooperation.
RESPONSE: Never mind, you tell him, someone has already done that, but the
names have been changed, and there is no traffic!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Horace was born with only one arm but he managed to
struggle through life and eventually graduate from college.
Due to his severe handicap he couldn't get a job.
Finally Horace became frustrated at being turned down all
the time and he decided that life as a handicapped person
wasn't worth living. He was about to jump off a tall building
when he looked down and saw a parade going by. There was this
one guy in the parade and he was having a blast, dancing and
jumping and really moving but he had no arms at all.
"Well," Horace said to himself, "I've got one arm and I'm up
here trying to kill myself while that fella has none and he's
having a great time."
Horace had to find out this guy's secret to enjoying life with
such a disability. So he came off the building and caught up with
the guy in the parade, still dancing and jumping, and he said
"Hey man, I think you just saved my life. I got one arm and I'm
so miserable and here you have none and you're having a great
time. What's your secret, man?"
The man, still fidgeting about, just looked at Horace and said
"What the hell are you talking about fool? I've been trying to
scratch my arse for the past three hours!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
22-JAN-98
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) A man got a little visit from police after putting
an excerpt from the movie "Sling Blade" on his answering machine.
David Ballard, a 29-year-old painter, transferred to his machine the
dialogue from a scene in which a retarded man recounts how he killed his
mother and her lover.
Someone apparently called Ballard's number by accident Tuesday, took the
message seriously and called police.
While Ballard was at work, police poked around his yard. Finally, around
11 p.m., police tracked down his mother, who was very much alive.
"I was actually afraid there for a while that I was going to be arrested
on suspicion of murder," Ballard said.
Police spokesman Keith Bridges said: "It just goes to show we don't take
anything lightly."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every
subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to
pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are
always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST
LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go
up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to
you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person
about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored
truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this
stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all
your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You
will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the
BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to
the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits
or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you
are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point
you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to
fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs
because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know
all the words.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater
Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how
conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and
spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he
urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total
elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that
the chemical was water.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Okay, so you threw out your typewriter, mimeograph and slide rule
and you throw around terms like "motherboard," "baud rate," and
"Infobahn." But are you prepared to catch the next wave of
telecommunications technology and go net surfing?
1) When a computer function doesn't work, you are most likely to...
a. hit the key again, but harder.
b. hit the computer again, but harder.
c. fall to your knees and pray that your system's mystical powers
will someday return.
d. look for the manual, look in the manual, abandon the manual,
call in a co-worker with the casual excuse that your system
"seems to be locked up and maybe you'll have better luck with
it."
The correct answer here is (d). Neither violence or symbolic
belief systems have much technological value (unless, of course,
you've whacked your computer in the past and had good luck with it).
2) A fax modem connects...
a. your fax to someone else's computer.
b. your computer to someone else's fax.
c. your computer to your accountant.
d. no one knows.
The closest answer here is (d). Actually some people know but
can't successfully explain it to anyone who doesn't. Others
(possibly those who consulted with us on the construction of this
quiz) claim to know but don't.
3) A megahertz is...
a. when you step on a push pin in your socks.
b. a measurement of wave frequency in millions of cycles per
second.
c. the Audi that wouldn't stop when you stepped on the brake.
d. as a megahertz does.
The correct answer here is (b), though (a) is not too bad
either. The unit is named for German physicist H. Rudolf Hertz, who
spent much of his life examining electromagnetic waves. (It remains
unsubstantiated that his exposure to those waves caused his features
to pulsate with a dull glow and that he was, consequently, the
inspiration for the eponymous reindeer.)
4) A regular contributor to the Extremists Bulletin Board who signs
his notes "Steve the Antichrist" suggests on-line that you meet
in person. You...
a. remind him that you were only on the board in search of an
extra spicy recipe for chicken caliente.
b. let him down gently by suggesting you're just a hallucination.
c. trash your interactive workstation and revert to long-range
communication via semaphore.
d. set a date at IHOP.
This is a very subjective question and there is no "right"
answer. Your preference obviously depends on your personal views
about who has the right to do what in cyberspace and whether you have
a yen for pigs in a blanket.
5) One of the most exciting applications of state-of-the-art
telecommunications is...
a. the prospect of the world as a virtual one-room schoolhouse.
b. getting the right information to the right person at the right
time.
c. instantaneous, seat-of-the-pants travel around the planet.
d. getting to meet Steve the Antichrist!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
1. "My hard disk won't boot". I suggest they take the floppy
out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully
removed the floppy drive from the machine (with the floppy disk
still inside).
2. "My dog goes nuts when I run Windows. No problem with any
DOS programs". Her monitor had a cracked flyback transformer.
When the multisync monitor switched scan rates upon entering
Windows, the high frequency audio produced by the broken flyback
was heard by the dog.
3. "Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape
backup. Can you help me restore the system". No problem.
When I arrive, I find the data on the tape was 18 months old and
that she had never run a backup. "I thought you just shoved
in the tape and it sucked up the data".
4. "How do I get on the national data information super highway?".
I ask if he has accounts on any bbs's. He has Netcom, Compuserve,
and others. I tell him he's already on the highway.
"Is that all there is?" I hangup.
5. "What's the fastest way to move 500MBytes of data daily
from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?". Answer: FedEx.
6. How many RJ45 connector does it take to build 8ea 10baseT cables?
Answer: 45. I put the first 16 connectors on with one end backward.
I then chopped off the good ends. Chopping off the other 8 connectors
and effectively starting over consumed another 16 connectors. The
2nd try resulted in one end being mirror-imaged. Chopping of 8 more
connectors I finally got them wired correctly. Then I tested them
for continuity and found 5 bad crimps. Total=45.
7. "What kind of hard disk do you have?" Well... It's black
with a little red light ... (groan).
8. Most common support call. "I lost my CMOS setup. How many
heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?".
9. "I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves
an inch or so on the screen and stops".
Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball.
10. "My systems on fire. What do I do?".
Ummmmm. Turn it off? "(Click)"
11. Most hated support call: "I'm not sure if we need a computer
system. Can you give me the relative advantages of Unix, DOS,
Windows, Novell, MacIntosh, Sun, etc...?".
12. Favorite software support call: "I just installed Word 6.0
for Windows. It's really big and slow. How much will it cost
to upgrade my machine?"
13. "My floppy drive won't read disks". I suggest they clean out
the dust from the drive. "I can't". Huh? "The dust won't move".
I find that they were using spray glue near the machine and that
all the dust was glued in place.
14. How to impress a new customer: I walk into the computer room
and knock the fire extinguisher off the wall which immediately
sprays everything with dust.
15. "My printer stopped working". Turn it upside down and shake
out the staples and paper clips. Works every time.
16. "Can you teach me how to use a computer?".
I answer: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them.
17. The company motto: "If this stuff worked, you wouldn't need me".
18. From one of my smarter clients:
"Why is something broken every time you're here?"
19. "I'm trying to install a 2nd IDE drive. Support told me to
take out ALL the jumpers". How many did you take out? "12".
(What they meant were the two easily accessible jumpers).
20. I call a manufacturer to order a manual on some junk I picked up
surplus. The receptionist asks my name and company. She notes
that I'm not in their database and could she have my address and phone
numbers. No problem. I'm then transferred to the customer service
department which notes that I'm not in the database and asks for the
same information. The customer service person transfers me to the
the parts department which notes that I'm not in the database etc...
Since the manual will take a few days to arrive, I ask for tech
support who notes that I'm not in the database etc... The manual
arrived promptly followed by 4 identical envelopes of promotional
literature with exactly the same name and address.
21. Question LEAST likely to be answered correctly by support:
"What is the current version of your software/hardware/firmware?"
22. Pacific Telephone Support Dept (Dial 611 for repair service),
now asks you to punch in your phone number, and then warns you that
you will be asked to verbally recite the same number when the
service operator answers. I wonder what happens if they're different?
23. Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
24. Fax back information service for additional information from
one vendor requesting just one item returns a copy of their catalog
page plus 10 pages of promotional garbage.
25. Email autoreply from support@_______.com
Thank you for your support request.
(drivel deleted)
Please refer to support request number:
Error: cannot create /u/something/filename
(4 lines of garbage deleted)
in future correspondence. Your request will be processed
in the order received.
(more garbage with Out of space on hd(1,41) mixed in.)
26. Conversation with support at a certain controller manufacturer.
"I can't answer that, please call your dealer".
"I am the dealer."
"Then call your distributor"
"He said for me to call you"
"Then have the customer call us"
"AAAAAGH!"
27. Modems and payphones don't mix. I hotwired my laptop into the
mouthpiece of a payphone and proceeded to do system maintenance on
a customers machine. The sheriff arrived shortly and proceeded to
interrogate me. Someone called complaining that I was using a computer
to steal money from the payphone.
28. Having my system page me when it does an unscheduled reboot
was a good idea. Having all my customers machines do the same
was a mess after a power failure and 100+ pages.
29. "My hard disk has a virus!". How can you tell, I ask?
"When I type DIR, it says VIRUS and some date stuff".
(Hint: Never name the directory for virus scanning software VIRUS).
30. Some monitor manufacturers suggest using alcohol to clean the
screen. They forget to mention that the monitor should be off. (Boom).
31. I told a customer to take his machine to a gas station and
have them blow the dust out. The gas station hands him a 150psi
air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil. I got to clean up
the mess for free. He also mangled the floppy heads with the
high pressure.
32. Oxymoron candidate: Disk Protector. That's the cardboard
disk they shove in the floppy drive for shipping. More drives
have been mangled by shoving in the wrong shape, backwards, or bent
than have ever been protected by them. Use a floppy disk instead.
33. What's the difference between a Van DeGraf static generator
and a belt driven vacuum cleaner? Answer: Not much. Don't use
a vacuum to clean your computer.
34. After the cleaning service crashed the computer for the 4th
time by plugging the floor sweeper into the UPS, I decided to take
action. I suggested they install "child proof" plastic plugs in
any outlets deemed worthy of protection. The order went though the
chain of confusion, and I was soon blessed with 1000 child proof
plugs hot stamped with "Protected". I gave instructions to
install about 10 of them on the protected outlets. However, the
maintenance person assigned to the task knew nothing and proceeded
to plaster every outlet in the building with the plugs. Mutiny
was averted by spending all night removing the monsters. Three
years later, they are still appearing.
35. Hint: Do not allow long hair black cats to sleep atop laser
printers and tape drives. The black hair is almost invisible in
black pattens, gears, and rollers.
36. Forensic filth analysis is a new part of computer repair. I
now carry a microscope and some chemicals which are used to determine
the exact nature of the filth I remove from keyboards, mice, computers,
light pens. While nobody pays me to do this, it definitely adds
to the entertainment value.
37. Why do customers think that I maintain a document and device
driver library for every conceivable board ever made?
38. From a hard disk drive manufacturer: "The drive stopped working.
I popped the little plug and noticed it was awful dry inside.
I added some oil but it didn't help".
39. Which arrow key? There are 17 arrows on the keyboard.
40. Favorite error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and
a defective AT/IO card.
41. At one time, I was into antique furniture. When I purchased
my first computer (IBM 4.77 PC), I decided that it deserved a suitable
antique table. I ask the local antique dealer: "Do you have an
antique computer desk?". He looks at me with a strange look and
says: "They didn't have computers when this stuff was made".
42. When 3.5" floppies first appeared, some users were confused
with the operation of the write protect window. One user wanted
to be doubly sure that the disk would be safe from his mistakes.
He correctly opened the window and just to be sure, covered it
with one of the magic write protect tabs from a 5.25" floppy.
43. Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"
44. A video store installed the computer on top of the cash
drawer. Every time the cash drawer would open, the hard disk
would get a good bouncing. I decided that this was technically
disgusting, and moved the machine. The next morning, the drive
wouldn't spin up (stiction). Solution: Put it back on top of
the cash drawer and let it bounce.
45. The curse of the mad labeler. Some of the clone cards I
see have stick on METALIZED labels that are quite good at shorting
traces. I've fixed a few by just removing the stick-on short.
A variation on this effect is the tendency for some distributors
to put stick-on labels on TOP of their 486 chips. Then they
smear on some silicon grease and bury the mess under a heat
sink and fan. The air gap produced between the chip and heat
sink severely degrade its cooling value.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last
time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)
you learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to
our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
1. "Amen"
[I must remember these... -Ed.]
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
How to Remain Insane at the Workplace:
------------------------------------------
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective
if you boss is of a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by
these names: "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm
going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what
you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
bathroom."
5) Highlight your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much
since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid.
Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get
coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole
way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people
you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or
her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an
intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to
settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk and label it: IN.
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake
in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that
they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got
to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has
withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours,
work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick
in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you
say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end
of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going
to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they
are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No
use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your
car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of
a cocktail hour.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
We all know how newspaper editors and writers sensationalise what in reality
is a fairly mundane snippet of information. Headlines are purposely written in
such
a manner so as to incite emotion, if not not just some curiosity, simply to
attract a
potential customer. However, not unlike rumours and urban legends, there is
usually an interpretation of truth in the simple phrase referred to as a
'headline'
This is not only the bad news. I have included the most interesting and
amusing ones
(well, to me, at least!), and that includes the good news too (at least there
is some).
The items are listed chronologically.
5726 cops face criminal charges
Argus cyclist slain
Pitbull victim dies
FIFA fever banned
Snake threat for sex girls
Plan for social security
1000+ years for killer
Woman sought after cut penis
2 kids suffocate in fridge
SA Aids policy baffles world experts [much of SA baffles everyone!]
More cops for killer highway
Million won on TV: Pic
Crime boss found in shallow grave
Car chase in city wipes out family
Scores arrested in city crime blitz
Boys (11) take guns to school
Missile stolen from SANDF
Disco deaths: Revenge feared
ET goes to jail [was he allowed to phone home?]
Cops nab highway rock gang
Shock at fuel price increase [what did they expect - praise?]
City cops win case against mayor
Woman pulls plane
D-day for ET
R2,6-M for sacked official
Floods cost SA billions
R187 to fill a Corolla
Lottery heads for R12-M
Cop on shooting spree
Garages brace for fuel rush
6,000 at Bles funeral
Doctor killed for cellphone [what will doctors will kill for next -
stethoscopes?]
Porsche woman abducted
Woman's body parts hidden in freezer
Taxi fare shock
Mugabe legalises land grab
Editor charges minister
CIA warns Aids could kill off SA Elite
Brutal killings at city store
Mentally ill woman dies in cell
Teens in sex for sale shock
Stolen car traced to cop's home
Lotto winner in hiding
Oh, Hansie!
Cronje faces 4 years in jail
Security car mows down 5 women
Mom sells girl for R100
Woman stabbed 24 times
Zim farmer slain
"White farmers are our enemies"
Match-fix fever hits soccer
5 years for stealing dishcloth
Pretoria crash carnage
New sex laws
Hi-tech loafing at work
Heroic prisoner saves cop's life
Rapists jailed for 100 years
Pointless to shout at Mugabe - Mbeki
UFO balls: NASA to pay for damages
E-mail virus causes havoc
Rand climbs back from R7 a Dollar
Schools to teach self-defense
10 killed in taxi crash
PUTCO roadworthy shock
16 years for raping daughter
Court told of plot to kill ANC leaders
Mayor fakes death for money
Police shoot as schoolkids run riot
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Q: What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
A: The top of her head.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A :It changes their blood type.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulemic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A: The guy who finishes first *and* third in a masturbation contest.
Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting
late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches,
rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the
following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar
container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot
for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into
the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the
newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table
and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants,
emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched
and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the
teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook
out from hiding under the chair.
She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope
and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth
and trimmed her nails.
Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made
sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out
a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and
had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day,
straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things
to do for tomorrow. About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and
announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
I ran into Joe at the coffee shop this morning. He really
looked worn out so I asked him, "Have a bad night, Joe?"
"Did I ever! Didn't get any sleep to speak of. There was
this woman who kept knocking on my door. Yelling at her
didn't have any affect. I threatened her with everything I
could think of, but she just kept it up."
"What did you do? Call the police?"
"No, that wouldn't have done any good. Finally about 4:00 I
got up and let her out."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so
striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The
young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly
towards him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young
woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you
want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 - on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet
from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed
into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said,
'Paint my house.'
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
SURE SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD A BAD FIRST DATE:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
...Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used
to date her mother.
...You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play
little league with her.
...She has a thicker moustache than you.
...When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door
with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.
...You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City
and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state
is a violation of her parole.
...Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system ...You are
the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
...At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good
for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
...She beats up some guy for making fun of your haircut.
...You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the
bed next to you is Janet Reno.
...At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and
her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
...She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks
if you want to meet Satan.
...She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at
her.
...She informs you that you can't go out again because her
boyfriend doesn't like you.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating
process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to
look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But
there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable
and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you.
It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail. That's how all the happening,
90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like
a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety
of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it.
What could be more painless?
Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time
they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter
follows:
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention
to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the
competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will,
however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified
from the competition:
(men will check those that apply)
_____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to
pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic
economics.
______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the
truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.
______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside
after I opened the passenger side door for you.
______My breasts are bigger than yours.
______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.
______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's
this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar
and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable
and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend
to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows
compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance
to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom
so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
(Your name)
---------------
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no
one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't
even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in
the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they
figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite
the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the
light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two
rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL
BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED
WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE
IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE
HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET
DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY
TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely
choosy people meet.
DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less
in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive
men or spending time around children.
EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until
married.
EYE CONTACT - a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman
have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located
in her chest.
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by
the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all
the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often
than he does.
FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he
does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER -condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just
intercourse.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AoL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Driving to the PTA...
_______________________________________________________________________________
_ _ _ _
((___)) ((___))
[ x x ] cDc communications [ x x ]
\ / presents... \ /
(' ') (' ')
(U) (U)
A Tale of Two Sexes
by Swamp Rat
>>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<<
-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
_______________________________________________________________________________
The sun was setting on the small American home. Its occupants were
the typical nuclear family consisting of a married couple, their two kids, and
a dog. Inside the household, a lone television sportscaster announced the
college football scores for that Sunday afternoon in nasal tones. The TV sat
crouched under countless outdated TV Guides, which lay scattered across
its dusty, simulated-woodgrain top. The ever-popular excuse for not throwing
these away was that, "The crosswords are educational, you know?" Across
several feet of worn, brown carpet stooped the head of the household, the
father. Much like the television set, he had not moved significantly in years
from the set patterns in his weekly cycle of life. There he sat, weekend
after
weekend, in the same position on an old burgundy-red couch. His favorite
spot,
the rightmost position on the sofa's pillows, sagged downward from years of
his
weight. Creaks groaned from the furniture's wood frame when he sat down or
stood up, as did his middle-aged bones. Physically, he appeared to be older
than he actually was. Years of smoking, "Maybe I should quit... but real men
smoke," had cut his once-powerful voice to a harsh rasp. A bulge in his
stomach sagged from beneath his beer-stained undershirt and spilled over the
top of his belt, like a roll of dough. Years of heavy beer (and not much
else)
drinking had bloated his once-strong body with neglect. As he poked at the
television's remote control every few seconds, searching for another game, he
called to his son.
"Roy... come here, boy. I got a surprise for you." The aging man
cleared the seat on the couch next to his from its large chrome-plated
ashtray,
overflowing with cigarette butts. Several of the burnt cigarette remains fell
from the container. These he brushed onto the floor with a pudgy hand.
"What is it, Pa?" asked his young son, bounding into the room with the
energy of youth. As the boy took a seat beside him, the man thought for a
moment of his children. He and his wife, Elizabeth, had managed to squeeze
out
a couple of puppies, a boy and a girl. Looking into his son's eyes, he
remembered that somehow, things were different those ten-odd years ago. The
young couple had waited for children until they had a place of their own, a
house. His mind raced back to their anniversary, the one they spent at that
little cabin in the mountains. It was the last anniversary before the kids
came. God, she was so beautiful... her soft skin, flowing blonde hair, and
coy
smile would send his pulse racing and his body would actually shiver. But,
that was a long time ago. And, things were different now.
Roy bumped into is father as he hopped into the seat beside the man,
bringing him back from his memories.
"Liz," he called, turning to his wife, "fetch me a beer, darlin'!"
Elizabeth was in the corner of the drab living room, standing over an ironing
board. She was visibly the opposite of her husband, though the same in their
decline. Where Dennis had too much fat, Elizabeth had too little. Her hands
had become thin, with sharply exposed blue veins due to countless hours spent
scrubbing at the household's grime. Her once soft, supple skin had become dry
and thinly stretched across her frail body. Growing bags of skin had formed
beneath her eyes due to the many sleepless nights at the kitchen table, paying
bills and trying to help the kids with their homework. Deep wrinkles had
etched their way into her forehead, tell tale signs of her worry. There was
so
much to worry about... the money problems, the growing kids, and most of all,
the loneliness. Dennis was a good man, she thought, but somehow being married
to him wasn't as she thought it would be when she was younger. He just
wouldn't talk to her anymore. She had tried so many times to talk to him...
just to talk as they had before their marriage and during the earlier years.
But now, it wasn't the same. Every attempt at a heartfelt talk was replied
with a request for beer, or food, or the paper, or that damn remote control.
He was so set in his ways, she sighed. Once, she had even dared to ask him
for
help with the housework. Well! That was quickly settled. "I work my ass off
all day so you can live a fine life here, loafing around the house all day!
You can sure as hell do your part, too!" He had yelled his reply furiously,
and then slumped back down onto the sofa with a huff to watch the news on TV.
She had considered getting a job, but knew she would be met with the same
response. Divorce had also crossed her mind more than once, but at her age
she
doubted that the singles' bar meat racks were for her. And, there were the
kids to consider. She cried often.
"Liz! The fridge! Get me a beer!" Dennis yelled louder. Elizabeth
sighed, set the iron on end on the board, and headed for the kitchen. She
returned a few seconds later with a can of beer, wordlessly handed it to her
husband, and returned to her ironing.
"Here ya go, son. Your first beer, drink up!" urged the boy's father
to his smiling son.
"Dennis! But he's too young! You'll stunt his growth or something!"
the woman squealed from her corner.
"Bullshit! It'll put some hair on his chest. Now drink up! Yeah,
that's it. Yep... you're gonna grow up to be just like your old man, aren't
you, Roy? Would you like that? You listen to your daddy and you can grow up
to be just like me."
Elizabeth screamed.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Ten new rules of the road for South African Drivers
ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
ARTICLE II
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending
order, give way to: elephants, Taxis, heavy trucks, buses, official
cars, Taxis, light trucks, Taxis, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, Taxis,
private cars, motorcycles, scooters, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying),
handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians, Taxis.
ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to
slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the
South African drivers' mantra.
ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):
Cars(IV,1,a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie in
clearing dogs and pedestrians from path. Long blasts (desperate) denotes
supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless
you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied
by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual)
means "I have seen someone out of South Africas 46 million whom I
recognize", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go
through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several
minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same meaning,
viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no
intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasized
by the use of headlamps (insouciant). Article IV remains subject to
the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.
ARTICLE V
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the
last possible moment.
ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall
wear Cellular phones strapped to their ears. These should be kept fastened
at all times.
ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority.So
has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane
discipline
(VII,1): All traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of
travel shall occupy the centre of the road.
ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts: South Africa has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands
in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any
other impression should be ignored.
ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake
every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just
overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable
conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends,
at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two
inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are
passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.
ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Affirmative Action EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION
Department of Labour
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE ENTRANCE EXAM
Name: _____________________________ (optional)
1. What language does a Zulu Warrior speak?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR -
give the first or last name of Scott Scott.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) Plow a field
___ (b) Build a boat
___ (c) Cook a meal
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Catholic
___ (b) Other
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is the news at ten on, when the big hand is on the 12 and
the little hand is on the 10? ___
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in Africa's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: one, two and three
one: ____________________________________________
two: __________________________________________
three: __________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) The Spar
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. N'khosi Sikelela is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- Give
your age at birth. _____________________________
16. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
17. Which Town in South Africa produces the most oranges?
___ (a) Laingsburg
___ (b) Beaufort West
___ (c) Colesburg
___ (d) CERES
18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?
19. What does the S.A.B.C (South African Broadcasting Corporation)
stand for?
20. Computers were invented when? (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
21. What is a gold coin made of? ___
22. Which of the following is NOT made from metal?
___ (a) An Anvil
___ (b) An electrical pylon
___ (c) A locomotive
___ (d) A pair of woollen socks
23. Who won World War 2? -OR- who came second?
24. What colour are the White Cliffs Of Dover ?
25. How many lunch times are there in a four day working week?
NB * You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A Canadian man decides he's had more than enough of
ice and snow, and he's going to emigrate to a warmer
climate.
So he packs his possessions into his car, straps his
skis to the roof, and decides to drive until someone
asks him what his skis are. He figures that if people
don't know what skis are, then there's little chance
of it being as cold and miserable as Canada.
So, off he goes. He drives and drives... He drives
the whole way through the States, right down through
South America, and no-one asks him what his skis are.
So he puts his car on a ship, and sails up to Asia.
He drives right through Asia, Europe, and then down
through Africa, but still no-one asks him what his
skis are.
Eventually he arrives at a petrol station outside
Pietersburg, and the attendant asks him "How, Baas,
what is that on your roof?"
At long last - his quest is over, so in the next week
he buys a house from a nice family who are emigrating
to Australia. He writes home to his family, gives them
his new address and tells them to sell everything and
come and join him in Pietersburg. Unfortunately, with
the SA postal system being what it is, it takes several
months for the letter to arrive in Canada, but as soon
as the family get it, they sell up everything and catch
the first plane over to SA.
However, when they arrive at the address given in the
letter, the house is deserted. Everything which wasn't
nailed down, (and quite a few things that were) have
been stolen, and a family of squatters has taken up
residence in the front garden.
While the family are standing around looking lost and
confused, they notice one of the neighbours enjoying
a braai round the pool. They call the neighbour over
(they can't walk up to him because of the electric fencing
and the two Rottweilers) and ask him if he knows what
has become of the Canadian who used to live next door.
"Ag well, you see," says the neighbour, "he lived there
for about a month, and then one day, he packed some
stuff into his car and just drove off, and we haven't
seen him since. And the strangest thing is, when he drove
off, he had a black man strapped to the roof of his car."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for
nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused
by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he
awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell would
cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one
in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged
him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the
husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural
bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to
wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was
nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one day going
to "shoot his guts out."
The years went by, and the wife continued to suffer, and the
husband continued to ignore her warnings about "shooting his guts
out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went
downstairs to prepare the family feast.
She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, made gravy and, of
course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a
thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her
husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed
the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours
before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and
then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then
placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled
them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish
preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal
loud butt trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling
scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to
the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself, and her eyes began to tear up as
she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him
she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
blood-stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit
her lip to keep from laughing, and she asked him what was the
matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me, and I
didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" innocently asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up shooting my guts out
one of these days and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of the good Lord and these two fingers, I think I got
'em all back in."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Ads in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with
your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff
junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my
check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you
throw this away for me? Thank you."
Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that
be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'. I'm not
making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men
wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we
want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in
the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near
our optic nerve.
Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say,
'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward
reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your
stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your
hand...It won't be long now ..."
Reverse Life Cycle: The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I
mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the
end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all
backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an
old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold
watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for
high school . You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have
no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,
you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.
I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked
up to the generator.
Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't
know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't
know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes
you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm
not in the mood."
Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages
on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying
it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the
love.'" Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of
being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment
would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it fucking wanted to. That's the
fucking reason.
RONALD REAGAN: I forgot.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken
has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the
chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market
position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to
create and develop the competencies required for the newly
competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using
the Poultry Integration Model (PIM),Andersen helped the chicken
use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences
to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in
support of its overall strategy within a Program Management
framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse
cross-spectrum of analysts and best chickens along with Anderson
consultants with deep road skills in the transportation industry
to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage
their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to
enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was
held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful
environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and
built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and
aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This
was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to
become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the
black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to
trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where
all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives
called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said
unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken
crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.
How many more chickens have to cross the road before you
believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I
repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean,
why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this
chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken
cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the
same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the
chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of
reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road
.. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Anybody need a consultant?
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village
when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat
were several large yellowfin tuna.
The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked
how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied that it took only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and
busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should
spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the
proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a
middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your
own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to
Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York City where you will
run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."
"But what then, senor?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public
and become very rich. You would make millions."
"Millions, senor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing
village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your
grandkids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the
evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
English phrase - Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive - Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung?
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself
and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit,
he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit,
"Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on
here? You keep saying, 'Damn that sonofabitch can drive', then you
spit".
"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports
car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I
say sure, why not?"
"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we
have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes
go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're
picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.
"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road.
I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm
pleading with him to do something!!
"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right,
a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our
ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I
figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to
him and said... "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you
the best damn blow job you've ever had!"
He paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH
CAN **DRIVE**!!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two
motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back
of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the
bum of the other.
"So, what's going on here?" he asks.
The bikie replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and
I'm trying to make him vomit."
The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down
his THROAT!"
The bikie replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
The school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one
of the local schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.
She says to the class : "Let's show the inspector just how clever you
are by allowing him to ask you a question".
The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious
instruction, so he will ask a Bible question. He asks :"Class, who
broke down the walls of Jericho?" For a full minute there is absolute
silence.
The children all just stare at him blankly.
Eventually, Sipho raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to
him. Sipho stands up and replies : "Sir, I do not know who broke down
the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you that it wasn't me."
Of course the inspector is shocked at the answer and looks at the
teacher for an explantion. Realising that he is perturbed, the teacher
says: "Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year, and I
believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."
The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the
principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal
replies : "I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with
his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent,
then he must be innocent".
The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on
the principal's desk and in a rage dials the Minister of Education's
telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to him and asks him
what he thinks of the education standard in S.A.
The Minister sighs heavily and replies : "I don't know the boy, the
teacher nor the principal, but just get three quotes and have the damn
wall fixed!!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first
Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the
first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 2"... he has plenty of money...
broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well...
tight muscular body...tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge...
and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my Lord...'."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
> >ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS:
> >The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles,
> >and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be
> >used to cripple children.
> >The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make
> >calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
> >Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.
> >All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall
> >after the B.S. is done.
> >Evening Massage - 6 PM
> >The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation
> >would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast
> >next Sunday morning.
> >The audience is asked to remain seated until the end
> >of the recession.
> >Low Self' Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
> >at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
> >Ushers will eat latecomers.
> >The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung
> >without musical accomplishment.
> >For those of you who have children and don't know it,
> >we have a nursery downstairs.
> >The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the
> >delight of the audience.
> >The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which
> >the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."
> >A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
> >Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service
> >will be discontinued until further notice.
> >Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
> >The music for today's service was all composed
> >by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the
> >300th anniversary of his birth.
> >Remember in prayer the many who are sick
> >of our church and community.
> >The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
> >in the Church basement noon Friday at 7 PM. The congregation
> >is invited to attend this tragedy.
> >The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.
> >Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter,
> >who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as
> >usual fell upon her.
> >Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting
> >held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs.
> >Crutchfield and Mrs.Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
> >Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
> >Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
> >The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce
> >the birth of DavidAlan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
> >This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and north
> >ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
> >Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All
> >ladies giving milk will please come early.
> >Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs.
> >Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
> >Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the
> >Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers,
> >please see the minister in his private study.
> >This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
> >forward and lay an egg on the altar.
> >The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."
> >One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the
> >congregation will join in.
> >Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
> >the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something
> >on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
> >The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
> >kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
> >A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
> >hall. Music will follow.
> >At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
> >"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> >Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
> >Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
> >The 1996 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
> >Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
> >8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
> >several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> >Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
> >The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who
> >enjoys sinning to join the choir.
> >Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who
> >are preparing for the girth of their first child.
> >The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak,
> >mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be
> >served for a nominal feel.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep
during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be
able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific
times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the
pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with
the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her
dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning
towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once
again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and
continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the
minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he
made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife
again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister
asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th
son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time
and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Below is a true story (yeah, right! - ED.] about a recent wedding
that took place at Clemson University.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the
wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to
thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to
support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank
the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and
everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift
from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair
was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He
said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open
the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10
picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He
had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
detective trail them weeks prior to the wedding.)
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for
a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said
"Fuck you", he turned to the bride and said "Fuck you", and
then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said
"I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing
that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement
immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes
through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge:
1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300 guest wedding and reception.
2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire
families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents,
nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his
world, we just live in it.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
I am not too sure how anyone is going to surpass this one....
Already, the first candidate for the 1999 Darwin Awards is circulating
on the Net. The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon (the remains of)
individuals who have given their all in an effort to improve our gene pool.
The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made the ultimate sacrifice of
killing themselves by the most extraordinarily stupid means. The Awards
commemorate those who find innovatively moronic ways of killing themselves,
thereby helping to eliminate undesirable weaknesses from the human gene
pool. And so, without further ado, the first candidate for '99:
MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT
CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13)
A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident
involving his washing machine.
According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry
when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff
approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing
on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin.
Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine's ON
button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both
feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck.
The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself,
started thrashing around as the machine's agitator went into gear.
Strickson's head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room,
knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson's face,
blinding him.
Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the
bleach.
He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself.
Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the
same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the
shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is
acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda
resulted in "a small explosion," according to police reports. The dog,
however, escaped unharmed.
Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went
into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson around at about 70 miles
per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson's head then smashed
against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him.
A neighbour heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced
dead at the scene.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
The History of Music
In the beginning there was silence. Then God whistled. He whistled one
whole note each day for seven days, and thus was the universe created, and
also the musical scale. When God whistled, it wasn't the way we whistle. It
was a really big, really loud, perfectly toned whistle that moved at the
speed of light and created planets and civilizations in the wake of its
vibrations. And God listened after the seventh note and heard that it was
good. And He said, "Damn, I like that tune."
So he put on his headphones and lay back and grooved on the sounds and
echoes of the universe ringing with feedback from the first solo. For
millions of eons, He grooved, until one day He got up, took off the
headphones, and said, "This riff is getting stale, and no one is dancing."
But that was because He hadn't created
anyone yet, and realizing this, He said, "Let there be Negroes with funky
souls who can shimmy and sway to my sounds," and there were.
But the Negroes just couldn't get into the same old scale over and over, so
they said to God, "Hey, give us some one-four-five blues-type progressions
so we can get down," and He did. And it was good. And they jammed and
danced and sang naturally and with carefree abandon for millions and
millions of years.
Some of the Negroes, however, weren't into that scene. They preferred to
sit in the shade reading books about math and science and other boring
subjects while their brothers danced and played and made love in the sun.
Because He considered them indolent, God took away their fine skin color
and made them into white men.
As this peculiar sect of white Negroes developed, they gradually lost their
ability to dance and be free and natural with their bodies and they gave
birth to withered, colorless babies, many of whom grew up to be
accountants, lawyers, real estate brokers, and politicians, and then it was
1950. God looked around and saw He had to do something before it was too
late, so He created "rock" music.
And the skinny, withered, colorless babies of the accountants, lawyers,
real estate brokers, and politicians of the fifties plucked their guitars,
banged on their tambourines, and wailed into the void and became the
superstars of the eighties. And God saw what He had created and put his
headphones back on and said, "Fuck it."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
> > Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
> > slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
> > D. Duckham, Didford
> >
> > Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
> > chin into a bowl of iron filings.
> > B Villbens, Birmingham
> >
> > X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
> > drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
> > strange place the following morning, having had your memory
> > mysteriously 'erased'.
> > Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge
> >
> > A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to
> > guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble
> > dispenser at cocktail parties.
> > L. Traintu, Clarkesville
> >
> > Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick
> > to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
> > Ms G. M. Dowd, Wigan
> >
> > Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts
> > and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
> > Phil Wasey, Liverpool
> >
> > Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by
> > simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
> > Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln
> >
> > Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
> > closer to the object you wish to view.
> > S Goldhanger, Fulchester
> >
> > Pop a few teabags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot
> > cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
> > Mr A.Fowler, Cape Town, South Africa
> >
> > Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving
> > fully refreshed and on time.
> > Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany
> >
> > Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails
> > and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing
> > loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
> > Mr D. Hughes, Lancaster
> >
> > Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
> > the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
> > B. Batten, Dublin
> >
> > Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
> > direction of oncoming traffic.
> > D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
> >
> > When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions
> > in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong
> > way up the road.
> > D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
> >
> > Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
> > lard.
> > P. Witney, London
> >
> > Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one
> > and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can
> > then be worn around the neck.
> > B. Morgan, Criccieth
> >
> > Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
> > eating cakes again.
> > P. Witney, London
> >
> > Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your
> > head
> > stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
> > Kate Emblen, Uxbridge
> >
> > Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
> > Toffee.
> > A. Sharp, Birmingham
> >
> > A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
> > ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
> > Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.
> >
> > Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
> > imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to
> > your intended destination in the first place.
> > Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood
> >
> > Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow
> > you on a motobike carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can
> > take they blame.
> > Bastien Phelp, Bath
> >
> > Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air
> > over any that you catch in the act.
> > Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood
> >
> > Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will
> > turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
> > C. Custer, Little Bighorn
> >
> > An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
> > inexpensive vibrator.
> > Sister S., Berwick, Blackrod
> >
> > Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
> > steroids by running a bit slower.
> > B. Johnson, Canada
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
FINALLY, blondes get their revenge...
Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
It doesn't show the dirt.
Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
Toys-R-Us
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustaches.
Why is the color brunette considered evil?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch ?
How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
Check her for a pulse.
What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A brunette rabbit.
What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
"What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"
Why did God create brunettes?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.
What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.
Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.
How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Startled.
What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A hostage!!!
How did Revlon come up with its brunette hair color?
By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.
Why are there only so few Brunette jokes?
'cos that's all the blondes could think of!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Are you ready to join a Federal Europe? Try this simple quiz to
determine just how European you really are...
1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy her a new
bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue.
What do you do?
a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue is
shorter.
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, "Ich leber stomph
das bustenholten!"
2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves in front
of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react?
a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leap out
and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting, "Bastardo!
Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"
3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking
woman passes by. Do you:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her bottom then
proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with twenty of
your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety of
crude and suggestive remarks.
4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it's 12 o'clock.
What do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.
5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary looking
donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up and
down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six
hours.
6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish.
Do you:
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the
next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking Gitane
and drinking 48 litres of wine.
7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the first thing
you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and
kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty
years.
8. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly well kept.
Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land
making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him.
9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by
two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a little
white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear
bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling
vastly overpriced timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives.
10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate?
Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old Fiat with six
people on the roof, screaming Ole' ole' ole' ole' at the top of your voice
waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.
Clearly if you are a true European you would have answered C to all of the
above.
This is what we want in Europe:
1) Swiss salary.
2) Luxembourg taxes.
3) German car.
4) British home.
5) Spanish girls.
6) French wine.
7) Italian food.
8) Belgian beer.
9) Austrian mountains.
10) Danish administration.
And this is the EC's proposal for a Europe after EMU:
1) Czech salary.
2) Swedish taxes.
3) Spanish car.
4) Greek home.
5) Irish girls.
6) German wine.
7) British food.
8) French beer.
9) Dutch mountains.
10) Italian administration.
Apparently, when we join the EMU, the term "spending a penny" will be
replaced by "euronating"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A brunette was walking down the middle of the
street bobbing her head and saying '88, 88, 88.'
A blonde saw her and asked her why she did it.
The brunette said that it was fun and that the
blonde should try it. So they were both walking
down the middle of the street saying '88, 88, 88.'
All of the sudden a huge semi-truck came along and
the brunette jumped out of the way...
A brunette was walking down the middle of the
street bobbing her head and saying '89, 89, 89.'
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
This is serious - a "WORK" virus is on the loose .........
If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether by e-mail, internet,
or simply handed to you by a colleague ..... DO NOT OPEN IT!
The "work" virus has been circulating around our building for months
and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have
found that their social life is deleted and the brain ceases to function
properly.
If you do encounter "work" via e-mail, then to transmogrify (ask John if
you don't know what that means) the virus, send e-mail to your boss with
the words, "I've had enough of your shit... I'm off to the pub".
The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your
career will now be successfully destroyed.
If you receive "work" in paper document form, simply lift the document
and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your coat and
skip to the nearest pub with two friends and order 3 pints. After
repeating this action 14 times you will find that "work" will no longer
trouble you.
Send this message to everyone in your mailbox. If you do not have anyone
in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the virus has already corrupted your
life. Go out and get some friends, you sad bastard.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him.
Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals".
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
"Diary Of A Successful New Bride/Cook"
Dear Diary,
Monday;
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for
Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs
separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to
borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday;
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without
dressing." So, I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home
for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad!
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice." So, I heated some water and took a bath before
steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't
say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I
hunted all over the garden by my Mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed
of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill
came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in
a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my Mom's house! There must
have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again
it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress
it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never
noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes.
I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he
counted to 10.
Sunday:
Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had
in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls
for roast. There must be a problem with the oven, because it still came
out a hamburger.
Monday:
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "Mix well and knead
well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't
bake bread if I have to double in bulk!
Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for
tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
THE DOCTOR: because he says "Take your clothes off!!!"
The DENTIST: because he says "Open wide!"
The HAIRDRESSER: because he says "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The MILKMAN: because he says "Do you want it in the front or the
back???"
The INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says "Once it's in, you'll love it!!!"
The SHAREBROKER: because he says "It will rise right up, fluctuate
for a while and then slowly fall back down!"
The BANKER: because he says "If you take it out too soon, you lose
interest!"
The HUNTER: because he says "Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and
always eats what he shoots!"
The TELKOM TECHNICIAN: because he says "Would you like it on the
table or against the wall???"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Life From a Woman's Perspective
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over
by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but
he just hasn't realized it yet.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce,
chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned
everything up, but, he, "made the dinner".
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go
with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting
to make a purchase.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you
will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician".
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space...if he
goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions;
he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breath...push... Good Girl!"
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere
romantic". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and
slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage
and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a
candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to
get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry,
shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone male to take out
the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if
he can remove a "Curse" he has been living
with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to
tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "'I now
pronounce you man and wife'".
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED PERSON.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC
INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
* He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
* He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
* He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.
* He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
* He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
* He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
* You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation
Exchange.
* He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
* His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
* He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
* You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
* He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential
Relationships.
* He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
* He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial
Inversion.
* He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.
* He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
* He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
* He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
* He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
* He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
* He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
* He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
* You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective
Pornographic Moment.
* He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Little Book of Instructions
1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman
because the house was spotless.
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in
diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut
the door.
5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any
of them.
6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to
put them all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to
be let out alone.
9. The only reason men are on this planet is that
vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never
mature anyway.
12. A man who can dress himself without looking like
Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces
so you can tell them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the
opportunity to make some woman miserable.
15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
16. The best way to get a man to do something is to
suggest they are too old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental
hospital.
19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for
40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,
tell him checkbooks.
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh, all
right, I'll stay the night."
22. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they
wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell
him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
24. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no,
you're just practicing.
25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "You may
be, you look familiar."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another
and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They
talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better
entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when
the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who
enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do
you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as
to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly
until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of
his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this -
When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it
around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
What Men mean when they say...
"I'm going fishing."
really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by
a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Woman driver."
really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene
gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"It's a guy thing."
really means....."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
really means..."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
really means.....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like
Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Have you lost weight?'
really means..."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"It would take too long to explain."
really means....."I have no idea how it works."
"I got a lot done."
really means....."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
really means....."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
really means....."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a
bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
really means....."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
really means....."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
really means....."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
really means....."You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"You know how bad my memory is."
really means....."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
really means....."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
really means....."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
really means....."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?'
really means...."What did you catch me at?"
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
really means....."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor
with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
really means....."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
really means....."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could
be worse."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
really means....."No one will ever see us alive again."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
really means....."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help."
"I broke up with her."
really means....."She dumped me."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18, 28,
38 and 48 ???
08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story
18 - You tell her a story to take her to bed
28 - You don't need to tell her any story to take her to bed
38 - She tells you a story to take you to bed
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday
night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get
some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat,
then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
Well, Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have
been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but
the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this
restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and
start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no
but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house
I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know
what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything
so when we get back to his I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try
to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to
go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but
he seemed really distracted and so afterwards just want to leave and I dunno
I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met
someone else???"
His story:
"Shit day at work. Great shag later."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A Guide to Blow Job Etiquette
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2 Extension to rule # 1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care what they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard
practice to cum on somebody's face.
4. Extension to rule # 3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are not handles.
6. Extension to rule # 5 - Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard,
deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really want puke on
your dick?
7. I don't care how relaxed you get - it is NEVER okay to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it is "hummer week" - get it through
your head. I'm bloated and feel like shit, so no, I don't feel particularly
obligated to blow you just because you can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to rule # 8 - "Blue balls" might have worked on high school
girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my
Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards
is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the
future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
at it. See also rule # 2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss
it good morning."
Blowjob Etiquette, The Man's Reply...:
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find
someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful
I'm not pulling your hair.
5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you
won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your
teeth...because you won't have any.
6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the dick off your breath we would
stick around afterward.
7. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only
way to stop you from bitching & moaning.
8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need
all the fluids you can get, trust me.
9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the
shit end of the stick in flavor country.
10. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
11. Play with the balls.
12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
13. Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our
friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.
15. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but
when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action,
gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
16. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your
face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
NICKNAMES - If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
Useless.
EATING OUT - And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each
throw in a $20 bill, even though the total is only $22.50. None of them will
have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS - A man has five items in his bathroom: A toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would
not be able to identify most of these items.
MONEY - A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a
$2 item that she doesn't want.
ARGUMENTS - A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. (Editor
note to married men: Forget your mistakes. There's no sense in two people
remembering the same thing.)
GROCERIES - A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to
the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a
soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By
the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter
than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES - When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.
Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the
desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all week.
CATS - Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE - A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
NATURAL - Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
DRESSING UP - A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
for
weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY - Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING - Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy
kittens and 2 girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's
printed on the bottom."
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed
the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the
wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom.
I KNOW they're my feet."
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, If anyone has
to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers. A little voice from the back
of the room asked, "How will that help?"
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers
and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother
asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken" the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
"Can people predict the future with cards?"
"My mother can."
"Really?"
"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen
when my father gets home."
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting
it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not
into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
If Men and Women Swapped Genitals...
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
(In order of importance)
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a Ping-Pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without
sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on
video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
And, the number one thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina:
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
(In order of importance)
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may
seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it
looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs
between a man's eye and the ruler situated next to his member which
causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And the number one thing women would do if they woke up with a penis:
1. Repeat number 9.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
This bloke's in bed with his missus when theres a
rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks
at his clock, and it's half three in the morning.
Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and
rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside.
"Eh mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push??"
"No, fuck off, it's half three. I was in bed" says
the man and shuts the door. He goes back up to bed and
tells his wife what happened and she says
"Dave, you are a twat. Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the
baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get
us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us
to fuck off??"
So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere
he shouts:
"Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice
cry out:
"Yeah, please mate."
"Where are you?" he says
"I'm over here on the swings."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
The following have been observed on women's T-shirts recently:
1. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
2. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
3. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
4. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
5. I hate everybody, and you're next.
6. Please don't make me kill you.
7. And your point is...
8. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
9. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
10. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
11. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
12. You KNOW you want me.
13. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
14. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
15. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
16. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
17. You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
19. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
20. All stressed out and no one to choke.
21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
22. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
23. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
25. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
26. All men are idiots and I married their king.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can
communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English
language.
CONSIDER THIS:
You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your
shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between
shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, bird shit, and horse shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the
fan.
You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days
are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times
when you feel like shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek
without a paddle.
But watch yourself, you can step in shit, drag shit, and even track shit
everywhere.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at
all.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a
lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, its the basic building block
of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know
anything else.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and
goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been
such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward,
you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and
introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor
of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your
invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and
waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God
reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur
Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my
invention than yours."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or
endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's
look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of
these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions
and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they
are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same,
the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase
until all hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan
during our freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have
not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then # 2 cannot be true,
and hell is exothermic."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is getting dull.
One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try
something new? It's very kinky."
He says, "Sure."
She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."
He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.
She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."
He lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him
the wildest hump he's ever had.
The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks him to do it
again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then
he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay.
As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the
days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the
better the sex is.
One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few
cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to
work, so he won't wheedle down his legs at the office.
That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed,
she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but
nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbt!...a
little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing
and grunting, when suddenly he hears her crying.
He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"
She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you?"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned
from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for
London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the
length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied
seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle aged lady and
was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked,
"Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed
and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again
facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady.
May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You
Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.
Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over,
picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the
train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend
her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting
across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you American's
do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You
eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos
on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown
the wrong bitch out of the window."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks
to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two
in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...
Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State
Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was
the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned
and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base
in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately
impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the
Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full
FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost
and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying
"you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the
rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a
heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna
showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time
there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife
is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Money Isn't Everything
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Money can buy a house
but not a home.
Money can buy a bed
but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock
but not time.
Money can buy a book
but not knowledge.
Money can buy food
but not an appetite.
Money can buy position
but not respect.
Money can buy blood
but not life.
Money can buy medicine
but not health.
Money can buy sex
but not love.
Money can buy insurance
but not safety.
You see, money is not everything.
Therefore, if you have too much, please give some to me!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Mexican English:
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the
bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says
"Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across
the border right now."
The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I
must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to
make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you
can use three English words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: Green,
Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes,
then says, "Hmmm, ok. The phone, it went Green,
Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself,
"It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than
be selfish and worry about my liver."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Life in the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May
and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting
to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the smell!
Baths equalled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women followed by the children. Last of all, the babies. By then,
the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying "Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater"
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw piled high with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs,
cats and other small animals, mice, rats and bugs lived in the roof. When
it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall
off the roof, hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs" There was
nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real
problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up
your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and
hung a sheet over the top, it addressed the problem, hence the original 4
poster bed with canopy. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate
floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread
thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on,
they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door, it would all
start slipping outside.
A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold".
They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the
fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly
ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat stew for dinner,
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the
next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for a
month. Hence the rhyme "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old" Sometimes they could obtain pork and
would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they
would bring out some bacon and hang it up to show it off. It was a sign of
wealth and showed that a man could really "bring home the bacon". They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would sit around and "chew
the fat" Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most
often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes...for 400 years!
Most people didn't have pewter plates but had trenchers - a piece of wood
with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and
a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off the wormy
trenchers, they would get "trench mouth".
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and the guests got the top or "the upper
crust" Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the
road would take them for dead and prepare them for
burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and
the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a "wake" England is old and small, and they
started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up
coffins, remove the bones so they could reuse the grave. In re-opening
these coffins, they found that one in 25 were found to have scratch marks
on the inside. They realized they had been burying people alive. They
decided they would tie a string onto the wrist of the person they were
burying, lead it through the coffin, and up through the ground to where
it was tied to a bell. Someone would sit out in the graveyard all night
to listen for the bell. Hence on the "Graveyard Shift", they would know
that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".
Aren't you glad you live in the 20th century?
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
What the car you drives reveals about you:
------------------------------------------
Alfa
Passionate and romantic, you fancy yourself as a wild sex kitten. A
bit unreliable, and can be eccentric too. You hate BMW drivers, but
think and act just like them.
Audi
You would like to believe you are part of the new generation that
is caring, environmentally conscious and family-orientated. Actually,
quite boring, nothing more than a glorified wuss. Will one day
probably drive a Merc, but you still sometimes wonder if you shouldn't
have bought that Bee-Em.
BMW
Self-centred, ambitious, dynamic and assertive. Buppies and kugels
past sell-by date. You think you will be CEO one day. Actually an
office weenie who thinks you are God's gift.
Daewoo
Faceless, subservient and demure (except for Matiz drivers).
To you, a good deal is to work from nine to five, get nothing for it, and
still say thank you. And then you wonder why you don't have money for a
good time after hours.
Ford
You still live in the 70's, trying to cope with the 90's (don't even mention
the millenium).
A loyal, diligent worker, but baffled by office politics and labour
policies.
Next car will probably also be a Ford.
Honda
You aspire to drive a BMW. You are an opinionated pain-in-the-butt.
The ultimate suffragette, or the boss's girlfriend (male or female!)
Hyundai
Quite progressive, intelligent and practical. But misguided. The kind of
person who will suggest a subcommittee to find solutions too what the
committee couldn't. You will always maintain that this Korean car is better
than any Japanese model.
Jeep
You would like to believe you are living the American dream and just
love the great outdoors. The closest you get to it is by watching Days of
Our Lives and the Adventure Channel.
Land Rover
You are a designer person with a designer life, who always pays too
much for everything. Designer mud comes free with the badge. And if
it's a Freelander, it was probably a break-up gift from your ex.
Mazda
A Ford driver with more money. Mostly staid boring farts with no image and
less imagination.
Mercedes-Benz
Responsible, immaculate and conservative. Boring CEO clones with too
much money, or the office super-geek who can't remember what it's like
to have fun. Definitely not dating material.
Nissan
Good, solid, responsible, loyal office-fodder. You like to travel and
maintain that you can sell ice to the Eskimos.
Favourite answer: "It's a company car."
Opel
Wannabe Schumachers. Would like a Corolla, but fell for the bumf about
German engineering. Always in a rush, but never get anything done.
Pajero
Not as label-conscious as your Land Rover counterpart, but still
suckered into believing in the ultimate African adventure. You
drive through puddles to create your own designer mud. You believe
you've made the grade, but everyone else knows you've got a long way
to go.
Renault
An eccentric who likes doing things the wrong way around. Usually the
one who asks all the silly questions at staff meetings. You fervently
believe you have flair, but it's less than that of a French cookbook.
Ssangyong
A make-believe fool, because you'd like a Pajero but can't afford it.
Toyota
A sensible, organised conformist who keeps things going in a
company. You lose it when things go wrong, and can't be depended on
when some imagination is needed. Your next car is always going to be
"something fun" but without fail it ends up being a Toyota.
Volkswagen
As per Toyota, only one level higher. You experience uncertainty,
because you don't know whether you own a rebodied Audi or not. You
are not good at decision making.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Miss Snow White was a randy cow
And desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck.
She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
And went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"
So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"
The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
'cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.
"Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fuckin load.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarves left,
She turned and said, "You're next, I want your knob!"
But not sooner had he entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White them whimpered.?
"That should be against the law."
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf " DOC ."
Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that spadge inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.
There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
When you next buy 7-Up!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her
wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were
a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet
were agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could
think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they
heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the
occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God,
that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the
other one.'
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.'My God.
That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's
all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented,
and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10-metre board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this
was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving
champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went
along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about
thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out
of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the
canal."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got
a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and
sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a
seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar
and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young
lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man
joined the lady and they went to her apartment,
where they got it on. ("The Horizontal Disco")
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was
developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home
doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked
the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man proudly said, "Sure!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman
was and where she lived.
"Sure, why?"
"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
SEXUAL ASTRONOMY
ARIES WOMEN: Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll
have sex anywhere, you know what you want - intense and frequent sex,
you have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love.
As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly.
Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial fuzz.
ARIES MEN: Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs-you
never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be
ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him
or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave master games and he
likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no
woman has gone before. His favourite position: a woman on her knees
leaning forward.
TAURUS WOMEN: You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love
to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual
approaches. But you are a demanding lover and leave your partner breathless.
You have a need for oral gratification, both giving and receiving. Best
sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: sucking
on your toes, one by one. You also like biting...hmmm!
TAURUS MEN: He is the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his
partner's feelings. He prefers it slow and easy; he won't be your guide
to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the
guy to go for long and luxurious oral sex.
Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone:
gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck.
GEMINI WOMEN: Often the aggressor; you are never embarrassed by your
behaviour because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your
main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one
woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the
Gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the
physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy
after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians,
Libra, and Aries. Favourite gadget: the vibrator.
GEMINI MEN: He likes it with the lights on in front of a mirror. He can
work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the
right responses. Oral sex isn't his favourite pastime, but will take his
time with the other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more
concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more than
adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men.
He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear. His erogenous zone:
move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm.
CANCER WOMEN: Will never make the first move, but you can be a
marvellous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will
reciprocate passion with a fervor that will stir his heart and stimulate
him to his best performance. On your own time, you have a fondness for
masturbation. Your favourite position: lying prone while your man enters
you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces.
You may become a slave to sexual pleasure!
CANCER MEN: His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands.
He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a
delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere
other than bad: likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral
manipulation! You'll like the trip as it as much travelling to a place as
it is arriving.
LEO WOMEN: Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo
gets! Intensely responsive and there are bed partners who have scars to
prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can
look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates: Libra,
Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out
bras and panties!
LEO MEN: Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule
to remember about him: NEVER tease. His endurance is remakable and he
has a great appetite for making love.
He likes women in the submissive position and oral sex is okay when he is
on the receiving end. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying
it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.
VIRGO WOMEN: You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would
stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the
relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love
mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and your grace and
modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover.
Favourite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present.
Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians.
VIRGO MEN: Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives, you
had better be prepared for him to bring his pajamas, shaving equipment,
and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it and having talked
about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect
imagination, but he is a hardworker and is open to suggestion. His secret
life: can be obsessed with pornography. Erogenous zones: his buttocks.
LIBRA WOMEN: Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex.
Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You
feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that
seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you
find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal
muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius,
and Aquarius. Like any position where your buttocks are exposed.
LIBRA MEN: Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the
sheets. Has a definite Kinky side, a voyeur and fond of the menage
a trio's. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He like women who dress
well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are
easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and
buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them.
SCORPIO WOMEN: Inquisitive, searching and experimental. Knows that
eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While
looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and act like a whore
in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will try
anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for
answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with
determination and Guile. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio and
Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavoured lubricating gels,
and vibrators.
SCORPIO MEN: A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking and is a
master of oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at
nipples or the inside of thighs. Likes it in water, but his kink is
that the prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His
erogenous zone is his genitalia.
SAGITTARIUS WOMEN: You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a
tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong
the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible.
Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't mind
if your partner comes too quickly. You are a generous and accepting lover.
Best sex mates: Leo, Libra, and Aquarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist
of accessories - gloves and shoes!
SAGITTARIUS MEN: Sex is rarely an intense experience with him - he often
comes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the
master of erotic massage - both oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked
instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect!
Erogenous zones: hips and thighs. And he likes to look at a woman's
calves and thighs, and likes to have sex with a woman in stockings.
CAPRICORN WOMEN: Don't need much foreplay - you go straight from zero to
WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation; only staying in
power. Since you like to dominate, you like to be astride your man, set
a rhythm, and please yourself. Once into a rhythm, lovemaking becomes a
wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting here
more than once. Also a scratcher and screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus,
Scorpio and Pisces.
CAPRICORN MEN: Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a
schemer (that is schemer, not a screamer!). Prefers a woman who knows what
he enjoys, and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants
her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. Here is the man who will hold
off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a massage that starts
at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine.
AQUARIUS WOMEN: A slow starter, you idealise love and encompass it with
Tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and
likes to try new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't
try. Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is
worthwhile. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius and Aquarius.
Favourite sex position: standing up, and in water.
AQUARIUS MEN: Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety
of foreplay before getting down to it. May have to be revved up, but once
his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence.
He will always see you through to climax. A woman that knows what she wants
will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice - once orally and
once genitally. Erogenous zones: gently touching the calves and ankles will
get him going. Be careful though, a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who
doesn't like to be denied!
PISCES WOMEN: Always make the right moves, say the right things, and create
the right ambience. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of
eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really
get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests! Favourite
places: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn,
Pisces.
PISCES MEN: Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get
a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal;
prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving. Likes sex in a chair.
He likes to be submissive. Becomes an addict to anything that will give
pleasure and release. Erogenous zones: massaging and caressing his feet.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A little girl is walking her dog, when a priest comes along and says,
"Hello, little girl. What's your name?"
She says, "Rosepetal."
He says, "That's a nice name."
She says, "Yeah. When I was a little baby a rose petal fell on my head and
my daddy's called me Rosepetal ever since."
The priest says, "That's so nice. Is this your doggy?"
She says, "Yeah."
The priest says, "What's his name?"
She says, "Porky."
He says, "Oh, I guess he likes to eat pork."
She says, "No. He likes to fuck pigs."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot
swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He
can swear for five minutes straight without
repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns
him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and
this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs
the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard,
and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This just makes the bird
mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK for you' and
locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really
aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches.
When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts
loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make
a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws
the bird into the freezer. For the first few
seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks
and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce
and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to
use in their acts.
Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts
to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply
chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence,
he's so worried that he opens the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched
arm and says,'Awfully sorry about the trouble I
gave you. I'll do my best to improve my
vocabulary from now on.'
The man is astonished. He can't understand the
transformation that has taken place.
Then the parrot says, 'By the way, what did the
chicken do?'
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
- I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
- I'll have my people fuck your people.
- It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it
by killing all those who opposed them.
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the
situation.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a
scapegoat.
- Plagiarism saves time.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.
- We waste time, so you don't have to.
- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm
clock at all.
- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Succeed in spite of management.
- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in
your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or
later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave
me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take
another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing
gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal
the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it
and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food
groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group
and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is"
group.
10. Into every life a little rain must fall. Usually when your car
windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on
the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to
remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or
an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a
blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the
wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your
land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to
get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing
Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would
be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even
the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend
over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we
heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that
I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss
the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom
of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people
yelled, 'SURPRISE!'
My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my
friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a
state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
"Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon
in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount
store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU
WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND
YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
[This one's reached urban legend status... one wonders how true it is! -Ed.]
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Do you serve women at this bar?"
"No, sir, you have to bring your own."
"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, is there one missing?"
"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."
"Aren't you hot from the sun?"
"No, I'm Smith from the Times."
"Why did you park your car here?"
"The sign says: 'Fine for parking!'"
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"
"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"
"Welcome home, darling. I've got dinner almost ready. I have candles and
wine on the table."
"But I don't want to eat candles and wine for dinner."
"What else would you like for dinner?"
"That blonde sitting over there."
"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"My father was a Pole."
"North or South?"
"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, it isn't really that heavy."
"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"
"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"
"Get out of here! This isn't your house."
"That's okay. I'm not myself tonight."
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
"I have changed my mind."
"Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife,
Brazil,suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was
carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived
a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was
never expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital.
During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her
armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote
control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered
in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and
the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to
doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer
oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which
caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to
side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her
in the head until she let go.
BABY CHICKEN
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency
room complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination,
doctors found that the woman's labia were pinned together with old
safety pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered body of a
chicken. The woman explained that she inserted the chicken pieces,
convinced that they would grow into a baby.
SEX EDUCATION
A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abbdominal pains
asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she
said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not,
I just lie there." When asked if she knew who the father was, with
a puzzled look she replied, "No. Who?"
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain
while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would
come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to
help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor
examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact
lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his
cornea.
GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing
from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her
womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two
weeks previously because she thought that her uterus was falling out.
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis.
He complained that his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and it bit
him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed
that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent
hysterectomy.
JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina.
She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her
doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to
the letter," she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly."
When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied "Grape."
CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid
problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus
and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell.
On this occasion, the shell got stuck.
Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still
live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built
a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell so it could be removed.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A few repeats - but still... the 1998 Darwin Award winner!
The nominees, in no particular order:
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a
bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A
pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of
one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch
from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the
hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards,
seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers
headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car,
Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either
brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route
to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and
put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to
Ken's head and fired.
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death
on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a
local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer,
identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
#4 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in
the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
#5 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow
bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would
protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard
died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the
spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
#6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided
to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose
around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He
drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot
himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet
missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the
threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished
the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water
by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANATOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early
Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was
apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to
Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that
Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and
entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the
microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could
stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter
temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water
molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in
microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a
twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly
in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a
tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the
anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body
was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an
odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared
as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's
unfinished beers had exploded.
New Ones : The 1999 DARWIN AWARD Candidates:
GRAVITY KILLS - A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he
tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end)
to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County
police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to
the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren
Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."
An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
SPLITTING HEADACHE (BE WARNED THIS IS A BAD ONE!!) A Florida resident
recently won the award for the most gruesome death ever. She was reported
to have been trying to shove a zucchini about five inches in diameter into
an area not normally intended for the ingestion of food and vegetable
products. When she couldn't get it to fit she decided she should use some
lubrication. The only thing she could find was peanut butter. When she
finally got it in her she decided to let her dog lick up the excess peanut
butter. While he was at it she must have startled him cause he took a chunk
out of her inner thigh severing her artery. She jumped up from the kitchen
floor, slipped on her own blood and rammed that zucchini all the way up
inside her ( all 18 inches of it). Needless to say she died from external as
well as internal bleeding. The zucchini was put down, as having acquired the
taste for human flesh, officers feared it may go on the rampage.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- >
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men visiting Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July
holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real
problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a
several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly
enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and
miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the
air and were found dead 50 yards from their respective seats.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- >
CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but
there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend
were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from
here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- >
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies
nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his
cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking"
when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that
in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
Runner-Up (He Didn't Die): - Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in
a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African
Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth
went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated
the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Demuth
wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3
ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them
on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the
past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the
petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware
of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran
around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger.
"Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very
constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax
her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass,
caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was
gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede,
three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took
a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from
the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down.
However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was
repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky.
We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being
pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to
his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels
working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to
tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her arse," said
Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while."
Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with
the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children (!?), but
of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A magazine recently ran a Dilbert Quotes contest. They were
looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life
Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will
be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their
cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning entry;
Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
[That explains a thing or two! - Ed.]
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.
It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are
more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for
a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3MCorp.)
7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal
that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her
was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was
write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the boss: Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say
(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for
Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I
would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.
He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.
He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company
is not going to discuss it with the employees.
(AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying,
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if
tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it
tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a
memo reviewing our company's training programs and
materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences
mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the
executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's
office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out
of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told
that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?)
working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of
the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word
"pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly
reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary
and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss,
he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two
days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing
us that no words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month
later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy,
I created my resignation letter by pasting words together
from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated
memo from a large communications company: "Lucent
Technologies is endeavorily determined to promote constant
attention on current procedures of transacting business
focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not
supersede, the expectations of quality!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her
purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her
former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was
for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Mandela is flying on SAA when some Affirmative Action stewardess
comes along to make a name for herself, pushing the food trolley.
Mandela: "Please may I have some black pepper?"
Two minutes later the stewardess returns with a copy of the
"Sowetan"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Dear Sir,
My foreman, baas Martin, hy het yours truly Philemon Naxasu
instruction gagee om one hundred bakstene poste haste van die
fourth floor na die ground floor te transport.
Nou ekka het gavat die groot builder's bucked en met 'n tou wat
by die pully loop by die fifth floor die bucket gatrek tot lappe
side die fourth floor en toe ek het vasgemaak daai tou by die pen
op eie grond.
Nou ek het galaai die one hundred bakstene deur die venster by
die bucket en toe afgaloop na die ground floor en losgamaak die
tou.
Nou die bucket hy het gaweeg banja meer as ekka Philemon, but no
wishing to damage baas Martin se goods, ekka het vasgehou die tou.
Nou die bucket het afgakom at one hellawa speed en Philemon, hy gaan
op at same hellawa speed en halfway die two meet.
Nou die bucket hy slat my one time for better of worse maar wat
hou is Philemon en soos die bucket verder val so ekke gaan
verder op totdat my arms entangle word by daai pully.
At the same time the bucket hy slat die grond met such a velocity
dat die bottom van die bucket skoon uitbreek en die bakstene scatter
almal damaged all over the place. Nou ek, Philemon, hy weeg swaarder
as die bucket en soos ekke gaan af so die bucket hy kom op.
Once more time the bucket hy slat my outta my skull en verder ek
val tot op die stukkende bakstene - and too much pain. Nou dit was
more or less approximately op daardie stage dat ek moes leave of my
senses gevat het, want soos ekke sit tussen die stukkende bakstene
ekka los die tou.
Nou hy die bucket weeg swaarder as die tou en soos die bucket
hy kom af, hy crash op Philemon en breek alles wat op daardie stage
nog nie gebreek was nie.
I respectfully request sick leave.
PHILEMON
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Sipho enters a live quiz show on SABC TV channel 2, called Zama Zama.
The compere says to Sipho, "Sipho, I will ask you one question and
if you get the answer right, you will win the motor car."
He then proceeds to ask the question... "Sipho, what is one plus one?"
Sipho thinks and thinks and after a long space of time blurts out
"Eeeeeh, the answer is four".
The compere says to him "Sorry Sipho, your answer is wrong".
Just then the audience starts chanting "Give him another chance, give
him another chance!!"
The compere looks at the crowd and decides he had better follow their
command so he gives Sipho another chance and asks him again, "How much
is one plus one?". Sipho thinks again and after much deliberation comes
up with the answer of three. Again the compere says, "Sorry Sipho, you
are incorrect". Just then the audience starts banging their feet,
chanting "Give him another chance, give him another chance!"
The compere picks up that the audience is getting really worked up, so
he decides for his own safety, he had better comply and give Sipho a
last chance.
He says "Sipho, this is your last chance, what is one plus one?".
Again Sipho thinks and thinks and after a considerable space of time
he answers "Ehh, the anser to your question is ehh, ehhh - two".
Just then the audience start chanting .... "Give him another chance,
give him another chance!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
MATRIC EXAM... QUESTION & ANSWER
VERTAAL IN ENGELS:
Soos in die tyd van die Voortrekkers, het ek en my swaer, Jan,
ystervarke en stinkmuishonde gaan jag met die dubbelloop-haelgeweer.
Uiteindelik sien my swaer Jan 'n stinkmuishond, sit 'n patroon in die
loop, le aan, trek los en daar le die stinkmuishond bene in die lug. Net
toe ons nader kom ruik ons hoe die stinkmuishond stink en hardloop weg.
My voet haak toe vas aan die wortel van 'n boom, ek slaan neer en breek my
sleutelbeen.
By die hoofpad uitgekom, staan daar 'n ou met 'n pap wiel. Hy vra toe of
ons weet waar hy 'n motorhawe kan kry om lug vir die agterwiel te bekom.
Van pure moedeloosheid bly sit ons net daar langs die pad.
ANTWOORD:
As in the time of the Frontpullers, me and my heavy, John, went to shoot
iron pigs and stink-mice-dogs with a dubble-walk-hailgun. At last my heavy
John saw a stink-mouse-dog, so my heavy puts a pattern in the walk, lies
on, pulls loose and there lies the stink-mouse-dog, bones in the light.
Just as us come close, us smelt how the stink-mouse-dog stinks and runs
away quick. My foot hooks fast to the carrot of a tree, I fall down and
breaks my keybone.
As we came to the chiefroad, there stand an old with a porridge wheel. He
asks if us knows where he can get a motorharbour to get some sky for his
afterwheel.
From pure motherlessness us sits just there next to the road.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a colourful
shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy:
"Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to
the Kingdom of heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Mugabe Khumalo, taxi-driver, from Johannesburg,
Gauteng, South Africa."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver:
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of
Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and
it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out: "I am Joseph
Snow, pastor of Saint Paul's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister: "Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and
he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached,
people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
The Ferrari formula one team recently fired their whole pit team to
employ a few young guys from Soweto. This sudden reaction was due to a
documentary about how young Sowetans could take off a car's tires within six
seconds, and without proper equipment.
Ferrari soon realized their flaw. The young men did not only change the
tires in six seconds but twelve seconds later the car was resprayed and
sold to the Maclaren team.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
You cannot be serious about hosting the 2004 Olympics in Cape Town!
Imagine the headlines in the Press:
Ethiopian pole vaulter still missing after
strong South Easter
Gangsters protest against refusal to
participate in shooting event.
Athlete mugged while carrying Olympic torch
Vagrant tries to enter discuss event with hubcap.
Burning taxi on signal hill to be Olympic flame.
Caterers strike at Olympic village.
Gold medals lost in security scam.
Olympic trains delayed due to cable theft.
Important Olympic documents lost in S.A. post.
Sam Shilowa claims games a capitalist plot.
30% petrol price increase upsets Olympic budget.
S.A. wins gold, silver and bronze in Toyi-Toyi event.
2000 Rapists and murderers released for Olympic goodwill.
Squatters occupy Olympic village.
Stadium cleared of sheep and goats before events.
Starting gun kills sprinter.
Olympic bus delayed on M2 after hitting cow.
Minister blames apartheid for chaos.
Boesak appointed trustee of Olympic fund.
Winnie Mandela to referee men's boxing.
Starting pistols stolen, replaced with A.K. 47's.
Gymnast crushed in taxi carrying 23 athletes.
COSATU complains Swedish medallist was not black.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
The Affirmative ATM Experience:
1. Take out card.
2. Turn around to look at queue of already exasperated faces.
3. Insert card wrong way around.
4. Take out card.
5. Insert card wrong way up.
6. Take out card.
7. Try to force card in.
8. With assistance of helpful white hands, eventually insert card.
9. Cannot remember PIN number.
10. Machine spews out card.
11. Repeat steps 1-8.
12. Enter PIN number wrongly.
13. Repeat steps 1-8.
14. Enter PIN number.
15. Try to read instructions.
16. Time up; machine spews out card.
17. Repeat steps 1-14.
18. Follow instructions; hit wrong keys.
19. Repeat steps 1-18.
20. Look back at freaked-out queue with look of "don't mess with me,
I'm on African time" (X5).
21. Punch in "Withdraw R15-00".
22. Repeat steps 1-20.
23. Punch in "Withdraw R20-00".
24. Wrong account/Account empty.
25. Step out of line to scrutinise card for long time.
26. Return at midnight with buddies to carry off ATM.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
This is a true story published in the Chicago Tribune "Travel" section
for Sunday, June 6, 1999 in a story entitled
"Choppy Skies - A white-knuckle flight on Air Zimbabwe"
by Gaby Plattner.
It seems that Plattner was traveling with a backpacking group through
Africa as they found themselves waiting in Kariba airport for a flight
to Hwange.
"Our flight was delayed, so we settled down to wait. And wait. Three
hours later, we were finally told the plane was ready to board. Air
Zimbabwe bought many of its planes second-hand from other airlines, and
the one we got into was no exception. Dirty and ancient, the mid-size
jetliner was clearly one that no one else had wanted.
Inside, we settled into the seats with 80 or 90 other passengers and
waited. And waited some more. Finally, the pilot's voice came over the
loudspeaker.
'We're all ready to go ladies and gentlemen. However, we've been waiting
for the copilot, and he still hasn't arrived. Since we've already waited
so long, we're just going to be flying without a copilot today.'
There was a nervous buzz through the cabin. He continued, 'If any of you
feel uncomfortable with this, feel free to disembark now and Air Zimbabwe
will put you on the next available flight to Hwange.' Here he paused.
'Unfortunately, we are not sure when that will be. But rest assured, I
have flown this route hundreds of times, we have clear blue skies, and
there are no foreseeable problems.'
No one in Plattner's group, doubtful as they might have been, wanted to
wait any longer at Kariba for a plane that may or may not materialize, so
they stayed onboard for the one-hour flight. Once the aircraft reached
cruising altitude, the pilot came on the loudspeaker again 'Ladies and
gentlemen. I am going to use the bathroom. I have put the plane on
auto-pilot and everything will be fine. I just don't want you to worry.'
That said, he came out of the cockpit, fastened the door open with a rubber
band to a hook on the wall. Then he went to the bathroom.
Plattner continues: Suddenly, we hit a patch of turbulence.
Nothing much, the cabin just shook a little for a moment. But the rubber
band snapped off with a loud 'ping!' and went sailing down the aisle. The
door promptly swung shut. A moment later, the pilot came out of the
bathroom.
When he saw the closed door, he stopped cold. I watched him from the back
and wondered what was wrong. The stewardess came running up, and together
they both tried to open the door. But it wouldn't budge. It slowly dawned
on me that our pilot was locked out of the cockpit. Cockpit doors lock
automatically from the inside to prevent terrorist from entering. Without
a copilot, there was no one to open the door from the inside. By now, the
rest of the passengers had become aware of the problem, and we watched the
pilot, horrified. What would he do?
After a moment of contemplation, the pilot hurried to the back of the
plane. He returned holding a big axe. Without ceremony, he proceeded to
chop down the cockpit door. We were rooted to our seats as we watched him.
Once he managed to chop a hole in the door, he reached inside, unlocked
the door, and let himself back in. Then he came on the loudspeaker, his
voice a little shakier this time than before. 'Ah, ladies and gentlemen,
we just had a little problem there, but everything is fine now. We have
plans to cover every eventuality, even pilots getting locked out of their
cockpits. So relax and enjoy the rest of the flight!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Here are some actual maintenance complaints generally known as
squawks or problems submitted recently by Qantas pilots to maintenance
engineers. After attending to the squawks prior to the aircraft's next
flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action
taken as a solution to the pilot's squawks.
The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by
maintenance crews. (P) is the problem logged by the pilot, and (S)
marks the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal--#1, #3 and #4 propellers lack
normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on backorder
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for!!
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!!
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This is a list of actual interview incidents (from a
consultant who surveyed 100 top executives for their
most unusual applicant experience).....
Said he was so well-qualified, that if he didn't get
the job, it would prove that the company's management
was incompetent.
Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
Brought her large dog to the interview.
Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and
the music at the same time.
Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned
to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the
personnel executive was qualified to judge the
candidate.
Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked
out during the middle of the interview.
Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as
financial vice president.
Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his
loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his
forearm.
Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on
answering specific interview questions.
Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him.
I had to call the police.
When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and
started tap dancing around my office.
Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play
with him.
Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be
highly thought of by the company because I was given
such a thick carpet.
Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash
picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone
who interviewed him.
Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to
insure that the offer was formal.
Said he wasn't interested because the position paid
too much.
While I was on a long-distance phone call, the
applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked
through the photos, stopping longest at the
centerfold.
During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the
candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off,
apologized and said he had to leave for another
interview.
A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was
from his wife. His side of the conversation went like
this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the
salary?". I said, "l assume you're not interested in
conducting this interview any further." He promptly
responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I
didn't hire him, but later found out there was no
other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She
explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot
in the bus.
His attache opened when he picked it up and the
contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and
assorted makeup and perfume.
He came to the interview with a moped and left it in
the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen,
and stated that he would require indoor parking for
the moped.
He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a
medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in
the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock,
he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times
a day, and this was the time.
Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but
the unemployment office needed proof that he was
looking for one.
He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
Asked who the "hot babe" was, pointing to the picture
on my desk.When I said it was my wife, he asked if she
was home now and wanted my phone number. I called
security.
She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started
asking questions about the job, like nothing had
happened.
Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he
said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off.
Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be
hired and that I was going to call the police.He then
reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No
one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
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P L A Y G I R L P U B L I C A T I O N S
ROCKEFELLER CENTER
ROOM 2510
400 EAST 34TH STREET
CENTREFOLD DIVISION NEW YORK, NEW YORK
TEL. +1 212 573-2900 10016
_____________________________________________________________
Dear sir,
Your name has been submitted to us with your photograph, and
I regret to inform you that we will be unable to use your
body in our centrefold of our upcoming Anniversary issue.
On a scale of 1 to 10, your body was rated a -2 (minus) by
our panel of women, ranging in ages from 40 to 55 years. We
tried to assemble a panel of women in the 25 to 35-year age
bracket but could not get them to stop laughing long enough
to reach a decision.
Should the taste of women the world over ever change so
drastically that bodies such as yours would be appreciated in
our centrefold, you would be notified by this office.
In the meantime - don't call us, we'll call you.
Sympathetically yours,
______________________
Amanda Townsend
Co-ordinator, Photography Dept.
Playgirl Magazine
_____________________________________________________________