Purveyor of Awesitude

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The Lizard King

So I was talking to a potential gentleman caller the other day and, as always, in the beginning everything seemed to be going well. The conversation wasn’t forced. He didn’t have a massive goiter on his face. He was a ginger so that was a red flag (at least one person in a relationship should have a soul and we all know it ain’t never gonna be me!) but otherwise all signs pointed to go. That is until I asked about his history; he was just coming off a divorce.

At what point did divorcees become eligible? What age is the cutoff? I had always thought that’s something you didn’t have to deal with until your forties.

I’M 27 DAMMIT!

Fawk.

Upon reflection, perhaps my negative outlook on this is just the folly of youth? Maybe it won’t bother me so much when I’m older and, presumably, more mature. But if that’s the case, that brings us back to my not yet being forty. A conundrum to be sure.

Anywho, as with most online daters I tried to be something I’m not: non-judgmental. I continued to talk to the gentleman, filing the whole divorced thing away as another red flag.

Upon further investigation, by which I mean I asked more questions to keep the conversation going, I discovered his favorite pastime.

You know, when I ask dudes what their hobbies are I expect them to say something generic. I’ve actually categorized some of the more common ones by the personality type that these hobbies tend to be enjoyed by. For example:

Liarpants – family, rescuing kittens out of trees, helping grannies across the street

Emo – photography, documentaries, poetry

If you’ve ever tried the whole online dating thing I’m sure you have your own list of hobbies that turn you off for one reason or another.

Well… this guy’s hobby was breeding lizards. He boasted that at the apex of his hobby he had over two hundred lizards! What an accomplishment! Now there’s something to be proud of.

Insane in the membrane.

Sorry, that song just came on Songza (awesome site, by the way).

Needless to say the gentleman and I parted ways shortly (6.4 seconds, to be exact) after that. It’s not so much that I had a problem with the lizards, I’m cool with those (well, not 200+ of them…) but technically that was strike three. If I’m being honest, the whole divorcee thing was what really bothered me. I’ve got enough emotional baggage for an entire baseball team, I really don’t need to add someone else’s shit to that mix. Just like there has to be at least one person with a soul in a relationship, there should also be a sane person. That theory may or may not hold true. I’ll let you know next time I actually date a dude if he’s sane.

[Now that I think about it, I am more likely to date an equally insane person. I’ll have to go home and rewrite my manifesto after that realization. Dammit.]

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5 thoughts on “The Lizard King”

I think you might be my soul sister. 27, finding ridiculously terrible dates, and referencing Tim Minchin whenever possible? I think we need a support group (which may just be the two of us, but whatevs! Power in pairs?).

I don’t know, when I think of someone under 40 who got divorced, I think of Ross from Friends, Three divorces and still relatively eligible, right? Anyway.
The lizards though. One or two, sure. Two HUNDRED? Kthnxbye.

Also, I feel like a good mascot would be the zesty Italian dressing guy. You gotta shoot for something! Why not an attractive man who makes yummy salads? (Although, the fact that he wasn’t Italian- particularly lacking in the sexy accent department- was a great disappointment to me.)

I’m a guy who got divorced when I was 23. After that, I attempted to date girls but always had a hard time of it and usually had no success and got hurt a lot. I have a good career and am handsome (at the time I was in Ph.D., then I worked in a research lab and now going to work as professor). I am probably too geeky for most, or to understand most. But then I met a great lady from China and now we are engaged and best friends! I am so happy and thankful every day for her.

My advice would be to try to be honest, and an optimist, even though it’s an easier road to be cynical, to always be genuine and never fake, and rather than to look “at” someone for superficial, fake qualities they have, to look “through” them to their heart and values and soul.