So many journal entries between 2012, and 13, I was obsessed with a character whom I named, "Mr. Deep Blue"; and just so happen to be loosely based off of a real person. At first, I didn't realize he was fictitious. I was truly fascinated by the real person, in the same way that people love celebrities. One neat thing about this fascination, is that I knew this person, and this person knew me/.

My mom is still so exhausted and subdued from her chemo. She is in a lot of bone pain. She has one infusion every 28 days, and her second is next week. We were both sort of hoping that since she didn't have to take an infusion every week, she might experience some time where she actually feels good.Dear God, I don't know how long the rest of her life will be, but I pray that it includes ample quality time.

Someone who I had so much respect for, and looked up to as a mentor, or even a hero; Said the cruelest things that anyone has ever said to me. Then he called me cruel.- I was. I do regret that, even though I meant what I said. it will keep him from realizing that what he said to me was so much worse, and it implicates me to karmically deserving it on a backslope. I do and don't want to get into it. Maybe I will be able to when I cool down- If I ever do. It really sucks because I didn't want to lose a friend. I didn't realize he had such a terrible opinion of me, and because this is all my own fault, for confiding certain things in him, which he turned against me. I don't remember what my original statement was, or whether I still even agree with myself on what I actually meant; But, I'm positive there was a miscommunication, resulting in what he ultimately concluded.

Obviously, I shouldn't express ideas as facts; or attempt to learn myself out loud to someone. I really thought I could trust him.

His& My cruel statements to each other, and the epitome of our argument; "It", referring to the spanking of me, a fully consenting adult:

<Him>It is something that I know to not be a need for anybody. If you need that then you should find out the reason of needing with a trauma counselor so that desire naturally fades. Do you have a need to kill or a need to start fires? What if I said that I have a need to rape little dogs would you provide your dog to fulfill my needs?

<Me> You try to be this self righteous overglorified fucking hero and you dismiss all your wrongs by mentioning hell: its just a fucking out for you. You are not a hero. Far be it from you.

He said it was vicious and cruel of me to "set him up like that", and I will answer to karma for it. I think karma was acting in the moment, backhanding. I have no idea what he means by, set him up? I'm too afraid to engage with him, because his words hold extra weight, being that I revered him deeply so long, until mere moments ago..Maybe he means the way I asked him what his deal was with hell, the way he began mentioning it in a weaponizing way toward himself, which wasn't a set up. It was a genuine regard for him as my friend, and also an attempt to change the conversation, because I felt like this argument was going to destroy our entire acquaintanship. He still had to add the final, "Please do not ask me to see or take your side on this subject again". It was the "see", that drove me over the edge. After comparing me to such horrible eschelon of people, he tells me not to ask him to see my side. Not immediately, but ultimately- Getting him to *take* my side is an obvious lost cause; Hoever, getting him to understand me more clearly? I crave understanding. To understand, and to be understood. How could I not want to make him see me in a less disparraging juxtaposition!!!!? Aside from feeling like a damn fool for even allowing him to see any bit of me. and there was so much more. Mostly he made me feel like (he believes) I’m not deserving of love the way I am, without starving to death a major part of who I am. I chose to tell him things about my past, and he feels like any influence that the bad things had on me, can’t be a part of me, like they should just magically vanish and he came to conclusions about my spanking fetish being caused by me being molested- which is certainly not what I said. The person who molested me never spanked me, so I KNOW I never said thatI might have said something all muddled and unrehearsed that made him draw those conclusions. The confusion could have been entirely my fault, but it wasn’t stated as a fact to begin with- and now I feel like I have to lock things in the vault to never be known again by another human, because all I got from attempting to share that part of myself, is demonized He preyed on the fear I have- a deep seeded fear of many victim really-- To not become the predator somehow.