Fuck You, Game of Thrones.

I’ve been hooked since the first episode of this unbelievably magnificent TV show. I have loyally stood by while all my favourite characters got slaughtered and the fate of the ones left seems cruelly predictable. But I keep watching.

A lot has been said about the plot lines and evil mind of the show’s creator. Not enough has been said about the FINE specimens of man flesh acting in some of the leading roles. And more specifically, the unjust lack of penis available on our screens. Boobs have become so common I hardly notice them anymore (unless they belong to a 300 year old witch). Bring me the PEEN.

Let’s break the man talent down.

Jon Fucking Snooooow. Ermergerd. Instant fanny boner. His hair, his lips, his chest, his hair and HIS HAIR. Despite the fact he probably bathes once a year I would still be jumping on his pork sword faster than you can say “Ygritte is Dead BITCH”. But where is his gratuitous cock shot? The full frontal essential-to-the-fucking-plotline nudie run? C’mon. I had to put up with fire-crotch dancing around that icy cave, shoving her hairy wildling crack in Jon’s mouth and I got ZERO. Nothing. No man fruits dangling down between his muscular thighs, no side-ball, nothing. And then the most recent episode which was just ripe for the fucking picking, teased me again as he lay motionless on a table while bitch-tits tried to wake him up. All he was wearing was a bit of cheesecloth over his nuts. Couldn’t we have had an icy breeze blowing it off for the ladies watching? Think of the ratings! Those producers are messing with us now.

Bitch, don’t touch the hair.

Jaime Lannister. I’d go there. Without fucking hesitation. ESPECIALLY now he’s only got one hand and would have a bit more trouble beating me off. He has enough troubling beating himself off. He’s a bit of a dirty bastard too, even though he would get more bath time, because he’s busy sticking it in his sister. But who am I to judge? The heart wants what the heart wants. We need this Danish bit of hotness naked pronto. Why the hold up? We know he’s morally corrupt so just hurry up already.

Don’t panic dear sister. I’ll flick your bean with the other hand.

Tyrion Lannister. He’s a tad vertically challenged compared to the other buff he-men and a bit of an outsider now that his face is sliced up and his daddy is dead. But I bet he’s got a BEAST of a knob. Imagine how huge it would look in his tiny man hands. It deserves a bit of air time and we all know he’s a massive slut, so there is simply no reason to hold off on this any longer. Plus he is fucking hilarious and I think he would love a bit of Far Kew.

Don’t kill me. Just chop me off at the knees and call me tripod.

Khal Drogo. He’s dead, yes. But that doesn’t mean shit, I reckon he’s still coming back. He once got nude to plunder the Mother of Dragons and we STILL didn’t see any spam javelin, so the writers can’t be done with him yet. Most of us ladies could even look past the fact that he favours the bum hole and is prettier than most of us. We can’t understand a word he says but it doesn’t fucking matter. Step aside Khaleesi, that man is MINE.

Jaqen H’ghar. Hold me fucking back. This faceless man has one face I’d like to sit right on top of. He is a straight out babe. He’s also super mysterious which makes me want to bone him even more. Now we know he can do things with his flesh that no other man can, we need to see it. NOW. Valar Dohaeris mother fuckers.