Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.

Mailbox Molesters

Posted Saturday, May 30, 2009, at 10:23 PM

A mailbox is a defenseless container standing alongside a rural roadway. It's protected by the U.S. Government, and also protected by the resident of the nearby property, who may or may not be a kindly person.

To Mailbox Molesters, it's a symbol of authority, representing everyone who keeps them in check, such as their parents or teachers who make rules they don't want to live by. Rather than confront those they hate, they confront the mailbox.

A Mailbox Molester is usually a 17-year-old male, give or take a couple of years, with a dark soul and lots of suppressed anger. He can come from any segment of society but prefers the company of lowlifes who enjoy tormenting others. To call these destructive vandals "scumbags" is an insult to bags of scum.

Mailbox Molesters come in many forms.

Mailbox Shooters -- Unlike other mailbox molesters, this dangerous jerk is often a loner. He gets a thrill out of shooting defenseless items, such as mailboxes, with little regard for where or how far the bullet will travel. To prove his manhood, he'll fire multiple rounds to make sure the mailbox is dead.

Mailbox Bombers -- These boneheads hang out in small packs, often three to six idiots deep, and get their jollies by placing explosives, usually a powerful firecracker, in a mailbox. They've also been known to videotape the event so they can enjoy watching their destruction over and over again. Law enforcers also enjoy playing the videotapes over and over again, especially in court.

Mailbox Maulers -- Good-ol-boys with red necks and rocks for brains get their kicks by hooting and hollering and creating mayhem. They drive battered old trucks with expired tags and no mufflers. When they spot a row of innocent mailboxes, they put the pedal to the metal and mow them down in one lethal pass. Then they hoot and holler on down the road, wondering why society frowns on their existence.

Mailbox Bashers -- Bashing is a two-idiot team sport. The driver veers close to the mailbox while the basher smashes the mailbox with a baseball bat or a rock as they drive by. Instead of hooting and hollering like maulers, they tend to snort and snicker. Bashers are maulers without the swagger.

Mailbox Benders -- The bender is an amateur molester. He'll drive his vehicle up to the mailbox and maneuver against it, then bulldoze the mailbox into a bad angle. He doesn't really want to hurt anyone -- he just wants to let you know he hates you, even if he doesn't know you.

I've lived in my place for 10 years now. So far I've been the victim of a shooter (multiple holes), a bomber (firecracker), three bashers and a bender. The most recent attack occurred this week. Next time, stop by for a chat.

My initial reaction usually involves some heavy retribution. First of all, these morons should be tethered to a post along the roadside where people can drive by and swat them with a large stick or a shovel or a sock of fresh manure. At the very least, they should be spayed and neutered so they don't breed.

But after I settle back down, about 144 hours later, I realize that reacting emotionally to a senseless act of vandalism is exactly the reaction the perpetrator was seeking in the first place. So I try to forgive and forget, and let the forces of the cosmos sort things out.

NOTE TO MAILBOX MOLESTERS: Tampering with a mailbox is a federal crime. Even though it's not a serious offense, you'll be placed in a federal database of criminal misfits. Getting a government job or simply boarding an airplane when you have a federal criminal record could be an embarrassing bureaucratic nightmare.

NOTE TO MAILBOX MOLESTERS: Destroying a mailbox is a health risk. The world is full of dangerous people who might actually take offense to having some anonymous pinhead destroy their property. Wipe out the mailbox of the wrong dude and you may be dealing with some nasty repercussions. Deranged hermits, outlaw bikers, mob enforcers and serial killers have lots of suppressed anger too. Many of them also have mailboxes.

One of the many theories of life is that we are in this world to learn lessons that will be beneficial in the next life and the best way to learn is by overcoming suffering. Thus restless young punks were brought into this world to help us overcome. We are then confronted with various options, such as retaliation or forgiveness.

Sometimes it's not easy to forgive those who trespass against us, but it's the best way to get through life without adding to the chaos. On the other hand, loving your enemies is a hard nut to crack.

Mailbox Molesters are basically cowards. Instead of resolving their suppressed anger by courageously confronting the underlying problem, they choose to attack something that can't fight back, such as an innocent animal or a defenseless person or a stationary object.

Grow up, jerk. Someday you may be the proud owner of a mailbox. Then what are you going to do when some lowlife scumbag bashes your mailbox beyond usefulness? Life on Planet Earth is hard enough without the added insult of random senseless vandalism.

What goes around, comes around.

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Quote for the Day -- "Instant Karma's gonna get you... Gonna knock you right on the head... You better get yourself together... Pretty soon you're gonna be dead." lyrics by John Lennon

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Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and a mailbox on a dirt road. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111