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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I thought it might be hard to picker a winner of the Things Stupid People Say Contest, but it wasn’t difficult at all.

It’s Glenn Grothman, a Wisconsin Republican state senator who just might become the next congressman from state's 6th district. I doubt he’s never read a moronic statement, or an outright lie, that he didn’t repeat and repeat and repeat.And, without further ado, here are some of the gems that came dripping out of his piehole.

In2004, Grothman called for new restrictions on the federal food stamps program because poor people don't act poor enough:

"I've interviewed over a dozen people who check out people who pay with food stamps, and all felt people on food stamps ate better — or at least more costly — than they did. [People] who work in food stores indicate that many people who use food stamps do not act as if they are genuinely poor."

Cuz, you know, being on Food Stamps means you're rich and you eat a whole lot better than other people.

In 2010, Grothman, who believes homosexuality, is a choice, wanted to ban Wisconsin public school teachers from saying the word “homosexuality” in sex education classes because some teachers had an "agenda" to turn kids gay.

I think teachers just want to turn kids into thinking adults, something the GOP probably doesn’t want to happen.

Also in 2010, Grothman continued to rail against homosexuality:

“Did people even know what homosexuality was in high school in 1975? I don't remember any discussion about that at the time. There were a few guys who would make fun of a few effeminate boys, but that's a different thing than homosexuality. Homosexuality was not on anyone's radar. And that's a good thing."

Grothman doesn't just miss the '70s, he’s also said he’d like to go back to those simpler days of the 1950s, when the black folks knew their place and The Gays lived in closets.

In 2011, aftervoting to repeal Wisconsin's equal-pay protection law, Grothman argued that the male-female pay gap wasn't about discrimination in the workplace:

"Take a hypothetical husband and wife who are both lawyers, but the husband is working 50 or 60 hours a week, going all out, making 200 grand a year. The woman takes time off, raises kids, is not go go go. Now they're 50 years old. The husband is making 200 grand a year, the woman is making 40 grand a year. It wasn't discrimination. There was a different sense of urgency in each person. You could argue that money is more important for men.”

You could win the argument that Glenn Grothman has his head up his ass.

His latest bit of ridiculosity occurred when he proposed rolling back a Wisconsin law that required employers to give workers at least one day of rest per week; he called the existing law "a little goofy":

"Right now in Wisconsin, you're not supposed to work seven days in a row, which is a little ridiculous because all sorts of people want to work seven days a week."

Except Congressmen, who worked just 133 days in 2014. I guess Grothman just means regular folks need to work seven days a week.

Glenn Grothman, perhaps — well, not perhaps, but truly — the dumbest human being on the planet … even edging out the Mama Grizzly Bore™ since she’s less involved with politics these days and more involved with street brawls.

David and Jason Benham are a couple of mildly attractive contractors, or house flippers, or do-it-yourselfers, who managed to attract the attention of HGTV over the summer. And when the network offered them a TV show, they leapt at the chance to share their expertise with America. Trouble was, they are also experts in the art of homophobia, bigotry, intolerance, and basic rightwing nuttery, and when word got out about all of the anti-gay, anti-women, anti-Muslim things they’ve said over the years, HGTV said, Um, no thanksand quickly canned the show before I ever aired.

Since then the Benham twins have become darlings of the Asshat Set, by basically whining about how they’ve been denied a chance to be HGTV hotties because of their religious beliefs. Not so much, boys; you were denied the chance to be on TV because of your hate speech about The Gays.

Get it queer, dears.

But they haven’t and they won’t and their latest foray into Crazy Talk occurred when they spoke at the Hate Summit, er, the Values Voter Summit, and compared themselves to victims of the terrorist group ISIS.

Oh, but they did.

Jason Benham, who seems to be the bigger, crazier, more asshatted twin, first announced that he and his brother are like Jesus Christ himself, and then David took over with this line, a direct quote out of the mouths of wingnuts:

“There is a radical agenda that has come in our nation. The weapon of choice for the agenda in the Middle East is a sword, but the weapon of choice for the agenda in America is silence. They demand silence.”

Yup, innocent people finding themselves captured by ISIS and then beheaded on live TV are the exact same thing as two delusional rightwingnutted, asshatted loons having their TV show taken away from them.

Monday, September 29, 2014

After that story this morning, of that parent, that very religious parent, that very religious parent who is a pastor no less, and his stance on having gay children, I was all tingly inside about religious folk, and hoping for a change.

Then I read this …

Paul Huff and Tom Wojtowick have been a couple for over thirty years, and have been very active in their local church, St. Leo the Great Catholic Church in Montana for more than a decade. That may change now that they’ve gotten married, simply so that they can make medical and financial decisions for each other as they grow older.

Samuel Spiering, the new parish priest, found out about the marriage, and instantly sent his Flying Monkeys out to the Diocese of Great Falls-Billings, as well as Bishop Michael Warfel, to fix this horrific situation.

Christian love, y’all.

Spiering, Warfel, and some big-shots from the Diocese decided that these two men would be forced to write a "restoration statement," declaring their support for the Church's teaching that marriage is between a man and a woman. Sadly, they agreed to make that statement, and Tom explained it like this

"It was not our intent to challenge that (concept), but to have the rights of civic protections in our old age."

Oh, but that wasn’t all; it wasn’t good enough to force these two men, who loved one another for thirty years, to kowtow to antiquated Catholic thinking; no, Father Spiering also told them that they would need to stop living together at once and that they needed to get a divorce.

And that's when Tom and Paul said no.

The couple has declined to comment further because they have a scheduled meeting with Bishop Warfel to, ahem, "discuss how church teachings apply to the situation." Tom and Paul seem to think the Bishop will relent on his decision, while I seem to think it's time to bend over and tell the Bishop, the Priest, and the whole Diocese to kiss their gay asses.

Bishop Warfel says he likes Tom and Paul, and likes that they kept their shameful secret, you know, getting married and all, but once word got out about the two queers being married and being Catholic, he had no choice but to tell them to condemn their relationship, divorce one another and live separately because, well, God.

He then says he isn’t punishing gay folks, he’s simply taking a stand against same-sex marriage, something only gay folks can do, you know. He seems to miss the irony there.

Father Spiering, for his part, isn’t playing the Double-Speak Game of Love the Sinner, hate The Sin of Same-Sex Marriage, he’s just keeping his yap shut, saying it’s a private matter.

For their part, Paul Huff hasn’t returned to St. Leo’s though Tom Wojtowick attends half the Mass, leaving before Communion is offered, though they have consulted with lawyers who believe that St. Leo’s the Great Catholic Church may have violated canon law.

They certainly violated the laws of Christian love. Perhaps the Priest, the Bishop, and the whole damn Diocese needs to have a good long sit down with John Pavlovitz and listen to him speak about The Gays and religion.

On the up side? Well, attendance at St. Leo’s has plummeted since Tom and Paul were told to divorce, and the pastor at the local Episcopalian Church says the couple is welcome, married and all, to take Communion there … and even sing in the choir.

I’m not sure if other parents think about this, but I do; quite often.

Maybe it’s because I have many gay people in my family and circle of friends. It’s in my genes and in my tribe.

Maybe it’s because, as a pastor of students, I’ve seen and heard the horror stories of gay Christian kids, from both inside and outside of the closet, trying to be part of the Church.

Maybe it’s because, as a Christian, I interact with so many people who find homosexuality to be the most repulsive thing imaginable, and who make that abundantly clear at every conceivable opportunity.

For whatever reason, it’s something that I ponder frequently. As a pastor and a parent, I wanted to make some promises to you, and to my two kids right now…

1) If I have gay children, you’ll all know it.

My children won’t be our family’s best kept secret.

I won’t talk around them in conversations with others. I won’t speak in code or vague language. I won’t try to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes, and I won’t try to spare the feelings of those who may be older, or easily offended, or uncomfortable. Childhood is difficult enough, and most gay kids spend their entire existence being horribly, excruciatingly uncomfortable. I’m not going to put mine through any more unnecessary discomfort, just to make Thanksgiving dinner a little easier for a third cousin with misplaced anger issues.

If my children come out, we’ll be out as a family.

2) If I have gay children, I’ll pray for them.

I won’t pray for them to be made “normal”. I’ve lived long enough to know that if my children are gay, that is their normal.

I won’t pray that God will heal or change or fix them. I will pray for God to protect them; from the ignorance and hatred and violence that the world will throw at them, simply because of who they are. I’ll pray the He shields them from those who will despise them and wish them harm; who will curse them to Hell and put them through Hell, without ever knowing them at all. I’ll pray that they enjoy life; that they laugh, and dream, and feel, and forgive, and that they love God and humanity.

Above all, I’ll pray to God that my children won’t allow the unGodly treatment they might receive from some of His misguided children, to keep them from pursuing Him.

3) If I have gay children, I’ll love them.

I don’t mean some token, distant, tolerant love that stays at a safe arm’s length. It will be an extravagant, open-hearted, unapologetic lavish, embarrassing-them-in-the-school cafeteria, kind of love.

I won’t love them despite their sexuality, and I won’t love them because of it. I will love them; simply because they’re sweet, and funny, and caring, and smart, and kind, and stubborn, and flawed, and original, and beautiful… and mine.

If my kids are gay, they may doubt a million things about themselves and about this world, but they’ll never doubt for a second whether or not their Daddy is over-the-moon crazy about them.

4) If I have gay children, most likely; I have gay children.

If my kids are going to be gay, well they pretty much already are.

God has already created them and wired them, and placed the seed of who they are within them. Psalm 139 says that He, “stitched them together in their mother’s womb”. The incredibly intricate stuff that makes them uniquely them; once-in-History souls, has already been uploaded into their very cells.

Because of that, there isn’t a coming deadline on their sexuality that their mother and I are working feverishly toward. I don’t believe there’s some magical expiration date approaching, by which time she and I need to somehow do, or say, or pray just the right things to get them to “turn straight”, or forever lose them to the other side.

They are today, simply a younger version of who they will be; and today they’re pretty darn great.

Many of you may be offended by all of this, I fully realize. I know this may be especially true if you are a religious person; one who finds the whole topic disgusting.

As you’ve been reading, you may have been rolling your eyes, or clicking the roof of your mouth, or drafting familiar Scriptures to send me, or praying for me to repent, or preparing to Unfriend me, or writing me off as a sinful, evil, Hell-bound heretic… but with as much gentleness and understanding as I can muster; I really couldn’t care less.

This isn’t about you. This is a whole lot bigger than you.

You’re not the one I waited on breathlessly for nine months.

You’re not the one I wept with joy for when you were born.

You’re not the one I bathed, and fed, and rocked to sleep through a hundred intimate, midnight snuggle sessions.

You’re not the one I taught to ride a bike, and whose scraped knee I kissed, and whose tiny, trembling hand I held, while getting stitches.

You’re not the one whose head I love to smell, and whose face lights-up when I come home at night, and whose laughter is like music to my weary soul.

You’re not the one who gives my days meaning and purpose, and who I adore more than I ever thought I could adore anything.

And you’re not the one who I’ll hopefully be with, when I take my last precious breaths on this planet; gratefully looking back on a lifetime of shared treasures, and resting in the knowledge that I loved you well.

If you’re a parent, I don’t know how you’ll respond if you find out your children are gay, but I pray you consider it.

One day, despite your perceptions of your kids or how you’ve parented, you may need to respond in real-time, to a frightened, frantic, hurting child; one whose sense of peace, and identity, and acceptance; whose very heart, may be placed in your hands in a way you never imagined… and you’ll need to respond.

If that day should ever come for me; if my children should ever come out to me, this is the Dad I hope I’ll be to them.

* Note: The word “gay” in this post, refers to anyone who identifies themselves as LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, or Questioning) . Though I certainly realize and respect the distinctions and differences, it was simply the word that would quickly and easily communicate within the context of the piece. It was the clearest and best way to address non-hetereosexual individuals in the post, by using a common tern that would resonate with the average reader. Hopefully my heart for the LGBTQ community is still clear in the writing.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

We have a dog bed in the office, and when one of us is on the computer, Ozzo comes and gets into the bed for a nap.

Tuxedo, on the other hand, sits on the desk, and after a while starts going Gargoyle: hanging over the side of the desk, staring at the dog. And, because Tuxedo is the second love of my life, I have a habit of saying to him, as he sits gargoyle, "Get Ozzo out of your bed, Tucky. Get him! Get him!"

And, as though he was my personal Flying Monkey, Tuxedo jumps from the desk and crawls into the bed, pushing Ozzo out to the floor.

Then one day Ozzo decided he'd had enough, and he would reclaim his bed. He failed. So he did the next best thing, by lying down next to, but not touching, never touching, Tuxedo.

Ariana Grande is a diva. She actually out-mariahs Mariah, y’all, especially if you say ‘Mariah’ in her presence. And more and more people are talking about her diva attitude, which kinda lends credence to every story that follows.

A source — and it could be Dina Lohan since Lindsay’s broke and selling “I Rolled Whitney Through The Morgue” stories for cash — says, “Having a preferred side is nothing new. Barbra Streisand, Mariah Carey and even Tina Fey have them. The difference is that normally a publicist will come up and politely ask that you shoot X from X side. With Ariana’s team, it is a demand from the beginning … Instead of coming off like an assertive woman who knows what she wants, it makes Ariana seem like a toddler throwing a tantrum and her parents handling the dirty work for her.”

This week, a behind-the-scenes video of Grande’s Marie Claire cover shoot surfaced, showing the pop starlet — who is currently dating Naya Rivera’s leftovers, AKA fiancé Big Sean —walking around the set during which time she is photographed Left Side Only.

When asked to confirm whether Grande prefers to be filmed from her left side only, a Marie Claire publicist says, “Ariana arrived on set wearing jeggings, a black Nadia Tarr tank top, black suede Louis Vuitton pumps, and a beige Prada tote, sporting her signature high ponytail. ‘It’s a natural face-lift,’ she joked.”

Uh huh. No comment would have been easier, and that’s just what Ariana’s people said … nothing.

I guess I called it wrong — I do that … sometimes — but the other night Lindsay Lohan actually made her stage debut in London’s West End revival of Speed-the-Plow. She didn’t call in sick; she wasn’t found passed out in the mini-bar of her hotel; she didn’t steal any jewels during intermission; she wasn’t rushed to hospital suffering exhaustion in the third act.

But the reviews; ah, the reviews. They range from “trainwreck” to “boring” — with “trainwreck” being American for “Lindsay Lohan,” I think.

According to some London papers, both Lindsay and her co-star, Richard Schiff — formerly of The West Wing­ — had serious problems remembering their lines: note to Dick Schiff, do not drink from Lindsay’s water” bottle backstage; note to Lohan: stop reading your lines from the inside of a prop book onstage because it didn’t fool the audience at all!

And, since Lohan was playing the part of a delusional, obsessive compulsive, many in the audience thought she was playing herself and actually laughed out loud during certain parts of the dramatic play. Such as when Lindsay missed her cue; now, to be fair, the audience waited patiently, but when she still said nothing, the tee-hee-ing began, which lead to actual laughter when Schiff’s character said to Lohan’s character, “You have done a fantastic job!”

Later, when Lohan’s Karen said, I know what it is to be bad, I’ve been bad,” the audience guffawed.

Guffawed! Ow.

After her Butter Palace melted last year when the world learned of her racist comments and racist policies at her restaurants, people began dropping Paula Deen like a bad racist habit. And so, with her wallet on the line, she began a media assault rivaled only by the storming of the beaches of Normandy in the Second World War.

She was everywhere, tears streaming down her face, theI’msorry’s drizzling like molasses from her lips. She was wrong, she was misunderstood, it was a different time … you know, when racism was good and The Colored Folk knew their place; Paula’s utopia. And then she was gone and life was good and low-calorie again.

Only now Deen’s comes roaring back to sit with Matt Lauer onThe today Showagain and talk again and apologize again. Lauer started off by reminding us how many companies dropped Paula after she admitted to tossing the N-word around like she was dressing an endive salad, but he failed to talk about how Paula wanted the black employees at her restaurants to dress up like Mammies and Pappies in their cute little jackets and how they should jump through hoops and call her Miss Paula and kiss her feet when she deigned to acknowledge them,.

Then it was Paula’s turn to talk; she said she shouldn’t have been on Today last year, that she should’ve been at home under a doctor’s care — apparently there’s a medical reason for being a giant racist f%k — and then she started pimping out her latest project, an online recipe subscription page … for whites only … okay, maybe she didn’t say whites only, but it was implied, I’m sure.

Matt asked Paula what she’s learned about herself and the tears came, and the sad eyes came, and the drawl came out stronger than ever:

“I’ve learned so much over the year, it’s going to require another book. We are working on a documentary that’s going to air on [my] network because I feel like everybody needs to know the whole entire story.”

Ka-ching! I’m going to make a profit off my racism because those asshats that think I’ve been treated badly will pay to hear me whine some more … and whine some more she did:

“It’s the power of words, I don’t care how old they are, words are so powerful. They can hurt, they can make people happy. Well, my words hurt people. They disappointed people, frankly I disappointed myself. For that, I’m so sorry for the hurt, I caused people because it went deep. People lost their jobs, it went deep into corporate America. I’m here to make people happy, not to bring sadness.”

That’s southern for: “I’m sorry for all the money I lost.”

Bless her heart. That’s Southern for:“Shut up you ignorant bitch.”

Kim Kardashian got naked in front of some cameras. Again.

Apparently, someone hacked Kim’s iCloud — or, what I think happened,That Womanemailed the pictures for a pre-fixed amount — and found some nekkid pictures of The Kardastrophe that have now found their way into the public domain.

Show of hands … who’s surprised? Who’s surprised that a woman who made her name on being the star of a homemade porn tape that her own mother shopped around to garner some attention, would have nekkid pictures of herself stolen?Anyone?

That’s what I thought.

Now, on the other hand, actress Gabrielle Union also had some of her nude photos hacked and then leaked to the media, too.

I’m ambivalent about all of this and here’s why, Gabby: I’ve never taken a nude selfie because I know, yes, I know, that if you have those kinds of pictures on any kind of electronic device, they can be stolen. Now, I also know that no one wants to see my nude selfie because I’m not some famous person … like you, a basketball player’s wife.

But here’s what I also find odd; it’s been a few weeks since the first round of Nudie Hacking started and so why didn’t any of these new women think, Uh oh, I’ve got some nekkids out there I better delete ‘em and get my phone into a Silkwood scrubdown.

Well, because it’s publicity; the kind you can act all shocked about; the kind you can pretend you don’t want — like when all the starlets and hookers, from Britney to Paris to Lindsay were flashing they’re vaginas while getting out of cars — even though you took the pictures, and saved the pictures, and possibly even sent the pictures through the internet ether to whomever you thought wanted to see your ladybits.

I’m just practicing, but y’all better get ready, too, because Kylie Jenner has finally realized that she’ll never be a Big-Assed Porn Star married to a Big Headed Maniac, and she won’t be a Rail Thin Model, so she’s going into Ali Lohan Mode: she’s gonna sing, y’all!

A source—and you know it’s That Woman—says, “Kylie has found her calling in life — to be a singer! She is in training right now with vocal coach and producer, Tim Carter.”

Carter produced Willow Smith’s one-hit-wonder “Whip My Hair” and has worked with Kanye’s former BFFs Jay Z and Beyoncé, and nothing is too good for That Woman’s paycheck, er, daughter. In fact, That Woman says, “Kylie is now working on her first single! She is telling everyone that she knows she is going to be the next Katy Perry.”

There isn’t enough money in the world to make that happen, but what I do see happening is a Kylie Jenner-Ali Lohan duet called “We’re Not Our Sisters But Our Mother’s Still Whore Us Out.”

I might buy that.

Gwyneth Paltrow keeps acting like she’s fine after consciously uncoupling with her husband and after schtupping Brad Falchuk, the married, but now headed for divorce, big-shot from Glee, but is she really okay now that Chris is dating the much younger, far more talented, far more fun loving, Oscar winner and triple nominee, Jennifer Lawrence?

The simple answer is No.

They might be “consciously uncoupled” but Paltrow still making sure she has a place in Chris Martin’s life … well, not in his life, but in his weekly schedule.

In fact, while she publicly says she’s happy he’s dating JLaw — and you know she’s not because JLaw is JLaw and Paltrow is a Martha Stewart-wannabe-not-gonna-happen — she’s created a set schedule for Chris on when, and how long, and possibly with whom, he can see his children.

A source — and it could be Martha still on the attack — says, “Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends. The way things are at the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.”

Except for JLaw, who seems unfazed by the whole thing, even becoming a sort of Coldplay groupie and following Chris around the country while Goop sits at home and tried to fill in martin’s calendar with play-dates and Mommy and Me time.

Now, let’s end with more Ariana …

A man has posted a story of the time his young daughter — a former Grande fan but now not so much — met her idol.

One day, in 2011, before she was anything more than a Nickelodeon blip, Ariana tweeted that she would be visiting the Titanic exhibit at the Luxor in Las Vegas. A young girl begged her dad to drive her down to the hotel — they lived nearby — so she could sneak a peek at her idol.

They waited outside, hoping to see Ariana, and she finally made an appearance with her mother and two other people. Ariana, spotting her fan, said, “Hi. Do you want a picture?”

“Yes, please. I’m such a fan of yours. I saw your tweet and hoped I could come down and meet you.”

“Aww, that’s so cool,” replied Ariana, “What’s your name?”

They chatted for a minute or two, and then posed for a photo. Ariana said she thought she looked terrible in the photo — maybe it was a Rightie? — asked for a do-over, hugged her young fan and left.

Flash forward to August, 2014. Ariana is a superstar and MTV is running a contest for fans to meet her at the MTV Music Awards. This same young girl enters the contest by producing some artwork about Ariana and writing a letter about how much she loves the budding superdiva. The girl was interviewed via phone by an MTV rep and a few days later it was announced that she was one of two winners.

She went to Hollywood, stayed in a hotel, and was told to get to the L.A. Forum for a 5PM meeting with Ariana. MTV didn’t provide transportation, so she took a cab and made it to the Forum, but was not allowed inside or even permitted to wait in the parking lot.

At some point she was allowed into the parking lot — where the winners and guests stayed—but kept being pushed back as more “important” people came in; it was now past 7:30PM. Finally, someone from MTV told her that she and the other winner would be interviewed on camera, and were to talk about what it was like meeting Ariana— even though the interview was taped before Grande ever appeared; in addition, they were each told what to say.

After the fake interview, Ariana arrived to do her own interview, away from her fans; afterwards she approached them without so much as a smile, and was surrounded by 8 to 10 assistants who barked instructions to her fans: “You are not to present Ariana with any type of gift or anything. Give them to security and they will get them to her. You can take a selfie with her, but nothing else.”

Then Mariana, er Ariana, came over. She spent 15 seconds with each winner, took the pre-approved photos and that was it. No talking, no smiling, no thank you. She never bothered to even ask their names. She didn’t inquire as to who the contest winners were, as opposed to their guests, or what they created to win the right to meet her, but the young girl walked up to her and said “Ari, here’s a photo we took together in Vegas at the Titanic…”

Grande glanced at the photo on the girl’s phone and said, “Let’s redo that picture.”

She said nothing else, so the girl retook the photo, and then gave Ariana one of the drawings that won the contest for her; when the girl’s sister began taking pictures of her sister and Grande, Ariana snapped: “Delete those pictures, please."

The sister asked if she could keep the one of her sister showing the drawing, and Ariana turned to her security and ordered, “Make sure she deleted those.” Then she walked away without a word leaving the MTV reps — shocked by what they’d seen — to say, “Sometimes celebrities are like that.”