X-rated grooming advice from a woman

Comedian Julieanne Smolinski on the art of manscaping

What do women want, you’ve always wondered. Well, comedian Julieanne Smolinski isn’t holding back the truth, lads. She breaks down the cardinal rules of male grooming in four easy steps.

Do: Trim

The only unbreakable rule is never to have anything that looks – or smells – unruly. I love a hairy dude, but there’s nothing worse than when you’re about to go down on a guy and you take off his pants and it looks like ZZ Top is already down there. Here’s a good rule: The hair below your stomach and above your knees shouldn’t be long enough to wrap around your thumb.

Don’t: Denude

A naked scrotum makes it look as though a penis is reclining on a beanbag chair, and I have to stop and picture it with a tiny bag of Lays, watching reruns of Dynasty in a finished basement.

Do: Prepare ahead of time

You know when you get a haircut and the barber brushes off your shoulders? That’s because if he didn’t, and he licked your neck, he would be totally grossed out. So next time you think somebody might put their face in your lap, remember to shower after using those tiny scissors.

Do: Go naturally scented

Please don’t spray anything on down there. Giving head to a guy who’s doused himself with scent is like being in a lift with an over-perfumed old lady. Except that old lady is your penis. Regular showers should do the trick.