since infp's like to read between the lines - a blunt "i am/i like" could lose its audience but since infp's also are the forgiving kind... I try to breathe and be patient, i try to focus myself into presentable pieces that others can handle. I try not to panic or go in to passive mode when i think about all the things i want to try and do and there simply isn't enough time, at least not according to the ticking clock. i've chosen a stupid profession from the introverts point of view, the constant chameleon-phase and empath-mode on... but i've learned how to talk to other people, and it has forced me to pick up healthy tools and I'm not as miserable as i used to be. And even though the personality-typing doesn't cover it all (and shouldn't), it has been very helpful. I now know for certain it's not me, it's Them .

It's constantly spinning, knifes trashing through from the inside of my chest if i don't get it out - in words, in colours, in doesn't matter.

Yes. It's tough being a human. Have you tried not being one? I, for example, am a crow, which works incredibly well for me.
Except that - like raccoons - nobody likes crows, apart from me.
But, as you have realized, and it's truer than you might know: it is, for certain, them, not you.

I've certainly tried not being human (amongst other things a faerie, a horse, an alien) safe to say there where problems in the contact with other human beings. I actually do like crows, they're smartashellbirds

If you like crows, there's hope for you.
I'll tell a secret, though, that nobody seems to know: crows are not intelligent, as in the way humans 'understand' intelligence.
Crows have something far better.
They don't bother trying to exploit the world, instead they merge with it, and are it.
A direct connection to Reality.
All the really useful things I know, were learned from an actual crow.

BTW: 99% of all the problems you will ever face, come courtesy of associating with people.

Ah. I see you are a nurse. 37. Doling out anaesthetics...
Are you English?

I almost died a few years back (for the umpteenth time), and became addicted to Hydromorphone in the hospital.
Not an easy - or pleasant - thing to recover from.
Morphine is great, until you stop taking it!

Swedish eh? Hence your socialistic tendencies. I know another Swede, a member of my own forum. He's currently meditating his way to spiritual enlightenment, and who knows? Maybe he'll manage it. It is possible, as I know from experience.

So it's an utopia, "impossible" to reach but the only way? You can't make them but you can strive to be it yourself and let go? It is beautiful but the let go-part seem to require love and trust? And a lot of people who try to meditate themself into the light get the words growth and escape mixed up and out comes insanity (i think you understand what i see but just to be clear - i don't mean you)... Maybe it has to do with guidance?

It sounds like you went through hell, not everyone gets out. What made you fight (or surrender)? Pain/suffering seems to sometimes behave like a key (or a nuclear bomb). Do you believe you would have become a crow without the pain? Maybe a stupid question not possible to answer, like "can you see the other road in a parallel universe and make a statement?". Do you believe pain is vital for change or is it what we human fabricate afterwards - the need to bring meaning into events? I've got an intj-friend who wants war, i do not agree but i can see why.