Fat! As a kid
Well I remember fat!
I always thought I was fat because
My brother called me “Pig!”
Pigs are fat by nature
So I thought “by nature” I am a pig
At school I looked around the room
Saw I was the only pig
The rest were human
Humans (I thought) are slender even skinny
When extra milk was given out
Teacher never selected me
Pigs not being human should be left out so I thought
Pigs should probably be penned
In my mind I was surrounded by a white board fence my feet in mud
When the class sang songs I snorted
When I was 10 mother made me go to Sunday school
The Sunday school teacher a very good kind religious sort of man told us about
GREED
How greed was a sin
I read somewhere “Greedy as a pig”
Being greedy is a sin according to the good kind religious man
Well? GUILT set in
I carried guilt around piggyback for years and YEARS!
THEN
In high school it finally dawned
I wanted a girlfriend
Pigs were out humans were in!
I lost weight FIFTY pounds!
Got me a steady girlfriend
Then I found I really was a human
What a LOUSY thing to be!

Three Atheist limericks
for April Fools' Day 2006
Dear Mrs. Schiavo: Goodbye.
Dear Mrs. Schiavo: Goodbye.
Fifteen years was a long time to die.
Your husband was brave
To withstand the wave
Of inedible pie in the sky.
Why San Diegans remove Crosses from public Land
The SD City Council must hold strong:
Those mountaintop Christians are wrong.
Crucifixion's the sign
Of insensitive minds
Not the Native Americans' song.
Unrequited Faith
Dear Judeo-Christian God:
Your behavior's exceedingly odd.
You let Hitler misbehave
Then killed thousands with waves
And can't keep your priests' hands off kids' bods!

(To be read after my 'Fire and Brimstone'.)
Dragon Fly, Dragon Fly, fly away home. You’ve caused enough trouble here, I am told.
All you wanted was to ring the church bell, but the belfry your body did not take well.
Terrible things happened all around, and the belfry you left is certainly not sound.
Old Lady Moore still has her cane, to protect them again, if you cause harm, within.
Old Lady Swanson’s lost hat is her major complaint, apologize profusely, be a saint!
The Church belfry will need lots of work; by the carpenter Trolls to fix it’s bridgework.
The people all need to calm down, they were scared and now the church is shutdown.
Looks like they’ll need a new fancy annex to be built for weddings and such…
To help them forgive… even… ever… slightly… enough. Though, of course…
The preacher himself…wants you back, for sure; I am definitely, and totally assured.
He’s never been inspired to such lofty greatness to soar, never, not even, once before.
He says you hold his key, to reach the lost, as they tune in to see what’s coming next.
He wants to add even, the Trolls to the mix. If they can be saved, well, you get the gist.
And you’ll have to attend church for quite a while, yes, still, as an itsy bitsy Dragonfly.
You’ll need to get forgiveness from all, you know, before you grow big, again, I am told.
The witch is quite clear on this spell, a dragonfly you’ll stay till everything’s made well.
Seems, you also, owe them an apology, for half scaring them… well… nearly to death.
Bumps, bruises, and a broken arm need to heal, from jumping over the pews, they feel.
Plus some of the teenagers, have made tee shirts of you, and want your autograph, too.
You see, your limited edition, when signed, will pay their way to bible camp, this time.
And the girl with the cast on her arm, wants a picture of you on a leash, so be charming!
You see, you scared her, a really whole lot, if she can pet you, her fear will be forgot.
It seems, you really messed up, this time, you see… but all will be forgiven, eventually.
So Dragon Fly, Dragon Fly, fly away home. They understood, once your story was told.
If you agree to all I have said: They’ll give you a bell outside, to ring before church…
Each and every Sunday Morn, with a special alcove, made for only you, to perch...
Remember, if God can love a mischievous little Dragonfly... And he can love you, too.
So until next church time... Bye Bye...

Some attend church to be seen, and wear their new clothes,
While others sit on their pew and silently doze.
During the service a few will check their cell phone,
With messages they just can’t seem to postpone.
Some men darken the church door out of fear,
Because if they don’t their spouse won’t let them near.
There are those that go to church because it is fun,
They like to see their friends, and talk to everyone.
Music lovers go to church because they love to sing,
And others wait for the sermon the preacher will bring.
Whatever your reason, God is watching from above.
He knows your true heart, and is full of love.

I was giving a lesson on the Liberty Bell, as the daily Church bells went off.
Yes, you guessed it, Dragon wanted to ring them, suddenly he was aloft.
Before we could follow, he was out of sight, but that didn’t matter, anyhow.
The only steepled church, with bells, is on the other side of town, I vow.
Time was against me, as I hurried, for my Dragon, had been quick, my friend.
It took only a moment, for him to get in trouble as, yes, he surely did, again!
At the Belfry, he found no bells; they’d gone to canned sounds, the week before.
He was so intent on finding their location, that he opened the belfry trap door.
Tail in the air, head thru the trap door, Dragon fell and became completely, stuck!
Worse yet, Wednesday’s service was going on, the church was packed. My luck!
Imagine preaching fire and brimstone, as a Dragon appears, puffing fire and smoke!
He disturbed the peace… as he yelled for help, with a crazed and mighty roar.
Instead of help, he got a whopping, from the cane of, dear old lady Moore.
She was protecting everyone, as they tried, to make it out of the doors.
Now, Dragon panicked, as he knocked the steeple belfry, partially loose.
An earthquake knocked a few, off their feet, as dragon tried to get loose.
This became the best fire and brimstone service the preacher ever gave!
The sermon rocked, as a parishioner blew the fire extinguisher in Dragon’s face!
Dragon began to sneeze and cough. Yep, it was a whooping, big mistake!
Now, people began to panic, and blocked every exit there was, to take!
I needed to get in, to stop this, before anyone could, truly get hurt!
The neighborhood witch had followed, and as she laughed all heard!
She loved us as neighbors, for we tickled her funny bone, every night.
I implored her to save the day, for a lot of lives were definitely, in plight.
She was very inventive, you know, to turn him into an itty-bitty, dragonfly.
Now, he finally escaped, though he sneezed and coughed for a very, long, time.
The preacher’s sermon went viral, as time immortal, famous, he became.
But old Lady Swanson came too close, as her favorite, go to meeting hat…
Well, you can say, the hat everyone hated to sit behind… It went up in smoke!
That day became known, in infamy, as the only one, Dragon went to Church!
I didn’t pay the witch’s price, to make him big again. She said it wouldn’t be wise.
Just leave him like that, till the mob simmers down. He can pay his own price.
Written 5-19-2013

I will take a jog, but will not go near the grocery store
I will pass by the grocery store, but will not open the door
I will go in there, but will not go down the aisle where the ice cream is on sale
Oh! I promise!... I just can’t feel my feet any longer!
I will look at the ice cream, but will not pick it
I will pick it up, but will not buy it
I will buy it, but will not open it
Oh! Promise! Just let me have it! It’s on sale!
Open it, but not smell it
Smell it, but not taste it
Taste it, but not eat it
Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
Ohhh! Freaking deceiving joy of calories is this!
Three months to lose, but took me a minute to gain
Promise! Promise! This is the last one, I swear!
I will just go to bed when I feel like jogging again.

As preacher’s daughters we had to toe the line,
But sometimes our halo slipped and we weren’t too divine.
When my twin sister and I were 15 we rebelled against the rules,
And pulled a fast one on our parents, just to look good in school.
We wanted to pierce our ears and be like the other girls in school,
And forget we were preacher’s kids for once, and just be cool!
Our parents emphatically refused, so they thought our hands were tied.
But we wouldn’t take no for an answer…we wouldn’t be denied.
We came up with a sneaky plan to forge our parents name,
Giving us permission to pierce our ears… we had no shame!
We went to the department store, and the dirty deed was done.
We didn’t think our parents would notice … we thought we had won!
We had lied and forged and were headed towards hell,
But we were only thinking, “Boy those earrings are really looking swell!”
For a few weeks, we wore our hair down and they never knew.
Then one day I forgot, put my hair in a ponytail, and it all came unglued!
My Dad was home and noticed, and I heard his wrath.
He was not at all happy, and was on the warpath!
I figured if I was going down, my twin would too,
So my loyalty went out the window, and I said, “She did it too!”
We were in hot water with my parents for quite a while,
And ashamed of ourselves, so at home we went the extra mile.
But one good thing that came out of our sinful indiscretion,
Was that we got to keep our earrings, our brand new obsession!

Sunday I went to church late and slid into a back seat.
Then I was shocked beyond belief at who I did meet.
My ex was sitting smack dab in front of me on the pew,
With his arm close around a woman, I didn’t think I knew.
I wanted to fall into a hole and disappear,
But I had to take the high road, now I was here!
He turned his head to look at me, and I flashed him a big smile.
Then when I went to sing in the choir, I sashayed down the aisle.
My church was my haven, why had he come here?
The sight of him with that woman did not endear.
He had done this purposefully, I thought with dismay,
But I wasn’t about to let him know he ruined my day.
I sat through the sermon, but my blood ran cold.
He had stepped over the line, he was just too bold!
I was taken aback at the end when he introduced me to his date,
Because she looked more like his mother, than a new soulmate!
If he visits my church again, I will be surprised,
For I know he had an ulterior motive he could not disguise.
God works in mysterious ways…that is a fact.
I left the church chuckling, with my dignity intact.

There’s nothing to explain,
We know you’re homicidal,
And we realize it’s no game,
You simply kill for survival.
There’s a much better way
to live life eternally
You can even enjoy the day
And stop existing nocturnally.
You see, Jesus conquered death
On the cross once for us all
Put your trust and faith in Him
And let this parasitic life dissolve.
But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ. —1 Corinthians 15:57

For Jonah, it began with a word
to travel awhile
to preach against the vile
but he pretended he hadn’t heard.
We know the story
swallowed by the whale
it’s quite a tale
that ends in God’s glory.
But do you know why he ran?
He thought the vile did not deserve
the mercy in God’s reserve
like he did… a righteous man.
Today I choose never to deny
the mercy of the Son
from any wicked one
for there might be a whale nearby.
*Refers to the book of Jonah from the Holy Bible.

A Georgia country preacher stayed up to prepare for his sermon all night.
He put the outline on a notecard to eliminate any oversight.
It was going to be a doozy, and he couldn’t wait to preach that morning.
He was on fire for God, his pure heart full of yearning.
He was tingling with anticipation thinking of the day,
And stayed on his knees most of the night to pray.
Sunday morning dawned a day of perfection that God had created.
He headed to church with his wife and children, and felt elated.
God is so good, he thought in awe… he hoped someone would be blessed.
When the time came for his sermon, he pulled the notecard out of his vest.
He wanted to get the show on the road, but then he stopped in his tracks,
For when he set the notecard on the pulpit, it fell down between the cracks.
He had no way to retrieve the card, and he momentarily panicked.
He decided he had to come clean with the congregation, and not be frantic.
He said, “I had a fantastic sermon prepared, but my outline has slipped between this crack,”
“And I have no way of getting it back!”
The congregation roared with side splitting laughter.
The sound could be heard above the rafters.
So he decided to wing it without the notecard,
And poured his heart out before the Lord.
He did an outstanding job, and my Mother was so proud.
She praised God, and shouted aloud.
She told him later, she didn’t know what the congregation enjoyed most,
His sermon that had fallen between the cracks, or a message of which he could boast.

Make Much Mirth
If God's name each day would always hallow
Then sins appearing in water when shallow
When in church are moved next to back door
Then will leave never to be seen anymore.
As disastrous days of my life increased
Each pretty day will talk with my talented priest
And ask him, "What if you lived as long as I?"
Would God in heaven be wondering why?
With his education and each great skill
For God, he has a manly mission to fulfill
Which is provide music for us who sing
And keep reminding choir has an opening.
Dastardly choir is always dressed to kill
And at times seems to be singing so shrill
Their singing is asking and trying to say
We might have to meet God only halfway.
At the unforgiven idea, I started to flip
I am receiving a ticket which is roundtrip;
Why would they want me to remain on earth?
In heaven can be merry and make much mirth.
James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran