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Day 42: How I’ve Sabotaged Myself: Spirituality as The Search for 'Something More'

I was disappointed with myself and my life/my world and this
entirety of existence, as so many of us are, no matter how successfully we’ve
hidden this from ourselves, in order to cope with the way things are, because
we’ve accepted the belief that things won’t/can’t change and that there’s
nothing ‘little old me’ can do to change the world/my reality.

So within this, we begin to seek out experiences that are
‘more’ than how we’re currently experiencing ourself – within the belief that
there just has to be more to life ‘somewhere out there’,‘this can’t be all I am’ or ‘all there is to
life’.

And it’s within this desire that we are driven to search for
more, but since all that is here is the physical reality as it is, as we’ve
accepted and allowed it to become, and as we’re not creating it to be anything
‘more’ than what it currently is – there is nothing ‘out there’ as ‘more’. So,
for us to ‘find’ something that is more, we have to actually delude ourselves
into thinking we’ve found some ‘higher experience’, and to do this we have the
mind consciousness system, through which we can generate energetic experiences
within ourself, and when we attach or attribute that feeling to something
outside of ourself, within our reality, then we think we’ve ‘found something
special’ – as it apparently gives us this ‘exciting’ energetic feeling within.

So, it was within this belief that things outside myself are
be responsible for how I experience myself within myself, that I sought for
things in my reality that would give me ‘positive’ experiences, where I could
feel excited, like ‘there’s something more to life after all’ – yet within this
I never once considered the common sense that in order for there to be
something ‘more out there’, we’d have to be creating it, and thus it’s
pointless to be searching for ‘something out there’, the point would be to get
busy expanding myself and my reality through actual action and self expansion –
which would mean no longer accepting myself as limited within ‘what can little old me do?’ and all the various excuses/justifications as to why we must simply
accept the world the way it is, and ourselves the way we are, and that change
would be so difficult that it’s not even worth to attempt it.

Of course within this, we are actually creating and
justifying our own limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that there is nothing I can do to change/have an impact in the world, or in my
world as my environment and the beings and forms I interact with, or the world
within myself, as what goes on within me, within my mind and within my human
physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not consider that there is nothing ‘more’ to find in this reality, and within
that to not consider that I wanted to ‘find’ something more ‘out there’ as I
didn’t want to actually have to do the labor/effort required to actually change
this world and reality into ‘more’ than it is now, but was looking for
instant-gratification, as I’ve been conditioned to believe that to be instantly
gratified will lead to actual satisfaction as a part of the brainwashing done
to create humans into zombies that only buy and consume and look to avoid what
appears to take effort, and thus within this-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not consider that I am disappointed with my world and this reality because I am
not actually taking the effort to actually make something of this world and of
myself, but am accepting myself and the world as limited, and thus I am the
very cause of my disappointment in this reality – so, to continue in this
pattern of not taking action, of avoiding effort, and looking for instant
gratification, and the acceptance of not doing anything, of not considering what
I’m capable of – is actually the cause
of my disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
realize that - I- am actually causing my disappointment in the world, where
instead of changing myself I am remaining within limitation, and within this I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this
serves consumerism and greed as I will be dependent on outside sources to
‘entertain’ me as distracting me from my own disappointment, instead of
becoming the solution of myself of actually looking at, what am I able to do in
this world, what is necessary to make a change in my world and reality, and
realizing that I could change myself within no longer accepting and allowing
myself as not able to ‘make a difference’ in this world, and giving in to
thoughts as justifications like ‘well, no one else is doing anything, so why
should I? It won’t make a difference, I’m just one person’ – within this not
considering that I followed the examples of others within my world within
accepting limitation, and thus I can stand as an example for others in not
accepting limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not realize that there is no point to not do everything I can to change myself
and change this world, as if I am really wanting the world to be ‘more’ than it
is – I have to make it so, by growing and expanding myself, and within this I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the
state of the world is actually the reflection of myself where who I have
accepted and allowed myself to be is what I have accept and allow to exist in
this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not consider that everything that is here as this world system we created – where
if you take away humanity, it all disappears, and thus it is all of us creating
it, as the accumulated effort of each and every individual here, and thus it is
each and every individual that must change for this world to change, and that
means I must change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not realize that I am the creator of what I experience within myself and thus
nothing that I come across/interact with in my world/this reality is actually
responsible for creating what I feel within myself or how I experience myself,
and that it is actually me that is creating the experience of excitement when I
come across something in my world that I perceive to be ‘more’ or ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not notice how when I come across something in my reality that seems to be something
‘more’ or ‘special’ or with some added ‘meaning’ or special ‘significance’ to
it, that I am actually creating that perception through/within my desire to
find something more, within convincing myself that what I see is actually more
than what it simply is – where for example, I might interpret a flashing light
in the sky as a ufo, or a strange footprint as belonging to an alien, or a
brush of wind as being ‘god reaching out to touch me’, or wondering of the
significance of staring at the clock when it is exactly 3:33 or 11:11.

I commit myself to when I notice that I am making more out
of something that is here, and to breathe, stop, and bring myself back to
reality, so that I can stop manifesting the consequence of not taking action in
my life and accepting and allowing myself to settle for distractions that I
come up with in my mind and literally have to convince myself to believe, so
that I can instead become the solution to the disappointment with reality that
I am trying to distract myself from/cope with – and thus solve the problem once
and for all and no longer be enslaved within a cycle of acceptance of myself and
this world as limited where I am ‘unable’ and ‘incapable’ of change and action
and of really truly living.

I commit myself to realize that I am the cause of/am
responsible for every reaction/feeling/experience that takes place within me,
and thus I commit myself to realize in the moment that I am experiencing a
reaction to something, whether positive or negative, that I am the creator of
that reaction, and that I can actually stop that reaction, by remaining here
with/as breath and utilizing the tool of self forgiveness to support and assist
myself to no longer validate and participate in the reaction, and within this,
taking back my self direction and self will, to no longer be a victim of my own
manipulation, wherein I utilize manifestations outside/separate from myself to
induce certain chemical reactions within my human physical body, so that I can
have a certain feeling experience within myself, which I am creating in the
first place, at the expense of my body as the mind consciousness system
utilizes the resources of the physical body to generate and produce the feeling
experiences.

I commit myself to developing and expanding myself as a real
being in actual reality, instead of limiting myself within self beliefs of
limitation, so that I will no longer be disappointed with myself for accepting
myself as limited, and thus become the solution as self will, self movement,
and self direction to become a force and presence in this world that can have
an impact in manifesting where the human is supported to grow and live and
explore one’s potential, instead of a world where the human is supported to
remain enslaved to self-imposed and self-accepted limitation, to feed the greed
as an instant-gratification seeking consumer that will buy buy buy to try to
fill that void that self is creating in the first place.

I commit myself to seeing the world as it is, and not
coloring it through my minds ‘I’ to paint a pretty picture over the Reality
that I have accepted and allowed to exist, so that I can face the reality I
have created and in that face myself and investigate myself to see how what I
accept and allow within myself is how I manifest this world , and within
understanding how I create what is here and manifest my reality, I can then
correct every part of myself through which I’ve manifested a world of
limitation, to rather create a world where actual Life exists, where Life
actually grows and expands, not diminish within limitation.

I commit myself to realize that the world seems limited as a
reflection of my own accepted and allowed limitation, and thus I stop searching
to find something ‘more’ out there, but look within myself to root out all the
limitation I exist as, to no longer manifest the world as limited as the
reflection of who I am.