~ a collection of thoughts from the country

Category Archives: Prayer

I’m at a crossroads. My heart of faith tells me I need to be open to all people regardless of their religion, culture or where they come from. My heart as an American, husband and father tells me to protect those I love, to seal borders and to carry a gun. Wow! Talk about some inner turmoil in my head…you may not want to be me right now.

I know this. No one I know or have heard speak/tweet/sing has all the answers. I have immense trust in God and believes He works in all situations for the good of those who love Him. I have also learned He takes His time in revealing His ways.

While I wrestle with what to think about the Syrians and ISIS, I also wrestle with something a little less glamorized currently in our media, homes and churches. While we pray for those in Paris and commit to stand in solidarity with them, why don’t we also hashtag #prayforSyria, #prayforTerrorists, #prayforMuslims, #prayforTheHomeless, #prayforTheUnemployed, #prayforSinners, #prayforPutin, #prayforObama/Clinton/Sanders/Trump/Carson/Rubio/Bush/et.al.

My point is this. There are a number of things we need to address in this world of ours and in this country. There are so many people who are hurting emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually that are overlooked daily while we rally around heartache and heartbreak in Paris, France. I would take nothing away from the outpouring of compassion we have given the people affected by the senseless tragedy, only hope we become more aware of the senseless tragedies around us daily that need our prayers, our support, our finances and our hearts.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,he leads me beside quiet waters,3 he refreshes my soul.He guides me along the right pathsfor his name’s sake.4 Even though I walkthrough the darkest valley,I will fear no evil,for you are with me;your rod and your staff,they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before mein the presence of my enemies.You anoint my head with oil;my cup overflows.6 Surely your goodness and love will follow meall the days of my life,and I will dwell in the house of the Lordforever.

I’ve always heard the phrase “Work Hard, Play Hard” and probably lived it out part of my life. I may have played more than worked a lot of times too but I digress. Life is hard sometimes. Oh, I see people I know who look like they have the world by the tail, plenty of money and nice families and great vacations all over the world and it doesn’t look like they struggle with a thing. I have also known homeless people very well and I’m not so sure they didn’t have the more peaceful life but it was not an easy life. For almost everyone of us, in some way or another, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, life can be hard. What is hard for us may be a blip for someone else but it doesn’t make it any less hard for us. I’m a firm believer that our misery is the worst we know and we can’t simply look at someone else who may have a difficulty we don’t want to make it all better. (Some thoughts on that.) So, what gets me through? Prayer. Now, there is no doubt I have lots of thoughts on prayer and have had some intense battles with it. I didn’t say I know everything about prayer, just that I have lots of thoughts and battles. I have gone through times with lots of worded prayers and I have gone through times when I simply asked God to look at my heart because I had no words. I’ve also gone through periods of complete silence knowing believing that if God knows me better than I know myself, he knows what is going on within me. Today, I’m in a between point where I do the first two; say some prayers at times, mediate and listen at others. One of the greatest gifts God has put in my life is a woman who reads the Bible in the morning and then shares her prayer for the day with me. I never knew how powerful it was to have someone share their daily prayer with me. It makes me think. It encourages me to pray. It reminds me others are facing the day with hopes and dreams and battles ahead of them and approaching it with a prayer on their heart for that day. In my darkest moments, her prayers have softened me. In my better moments, her prayers have encouraged me. I know it’s a gift because I see what it does to my mind and my heart. I am thankful for her faithfulness to God and to prayer because it inspires me to live more faithfully too. I won’t share her prayers here because I have not asked for permission. Instead, I’ll share a prayer by Thomas Merton. I appreciate the simplicity of it and his desire to serve God even when he doesn’t know how. I want to have a heart that is 100% for God even when I am blind to what I need to be doing or where I should be going. Those are the times I want to lean on God the most. Again, I digress. Without further ado… MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

I love the opportunity to preach but dread the preparation. I’m such an over-analyzer at times that I can create mounds of paper or way too many open tabs in my browser looking at stuff I want to use. Of course, I can easily cram 30-40 scriptures into a 35 minute sermon if I’m not careful. My challenge is preaching is usually the editing…but I do love to talk about the Gospel.

I talked about identity. It’s a topic that I’ve mentioned here more than once of late and something that is still swirling in my head. I keep going over the questions of a) who am I? and b) who has God created me to be? When the answers to those two questions intersect, I can only imagine what God can do with me then.

Who am I? I usually see myself as the sum of my bad choices. I look back over my history and see where I went wrong and that gives some explanation as to why I am where I am. Separated from my children too much of the year. Divorced. Unemployed. I see the pattern of what I wrote and know that my mind is thinking that is who I am. Treacherous. Depressing.

Who has God created me to be? Well, Myers-Brigg and StrengthFinders have shown me quite a bit about my leanings, strengths, preferences and such. They say I’m a teacher, counselor, friend with deep relationships, able to see people’s gifts they may not even see, able to develop people to be more than they thought they could be, able to put things together to create something greater than the individual parts. Exciting. Energizing.

The two thought processes are on opposite paths. Something has to change for them to intersect and let God’s brilliance shine through.

I’ve been praying a lot. A LOT. My life isn’t what I want it to look like. I have enemies that torture me and others I love. I have close friends who are struggling.

I am praying and I’m not seeing the responses I want. Hello? God?

As I shared this with a friend today, he responded, “quit praying for solutions. Pray about your feelings.” Cha-ching. As I drove home from that meeting, I began praying about my feelings. Tears started flowing as I got real with God.

No more give me a job, heal the broken-hearted, break down the persecutors and so on. I was talking to God about why I’m scared, why I feel inadequate and what fear is doing to me. I was thanking God for the joy of my children, the power of beginning to see myself as He sees me, the feeling of knowing what I am put here to do by understanding my gifting and the hope I have for tomorrow. And for eternity.

Shortly after that prayer, I started thinking about a talk I’m giving later this month. Thoughts began flooding my mind of something important to say and chills covered my body with the knowledge that those thoughts were coming directly from God.

Could it be that when I get real with God and express my inadequacy and need for His supernatural power, He will start pouring into me like a fire hydrant with the valve cranked wide open? I want to be so full of God that He pours out of me.

I always like The Clash song asking should I stay or should I go? It’s a question I have had so many times in various situations. I feel like I’m in one now. Do I stay the course I’m on, attempting to do the things I want to do or do I go towards a more conservative course, one where my dreams may get squeezed, my hopes blanketed?

It’s not an easy question. Of course, I have many people willing to weigh in and I appreciate their thoughts but they are sometimes just as confusing. One friend yesterday advocated one thing that takes the wind out of my sails but makes fiscal sense. Another friend advocated pursuing my dreams, trusting that the risk is worth the reward…buy a little scary.

In the meantime, I feel like my life is momentarily on hold. Maybe that isn’t a bad thing but it is frustrating at times. There are things I want to do, things I want to say and I hesitate because of fear that my present situation may work against me. Fear stinks.

On the other hand, the fear is just one side of the coin with the other being hope. Hope for what I can almost visualize. Hope for what may be. Hope for better days and dreams fulfilled.

I still await the booming voice from the mountaintop telling me I am on the right path…or where the right path can be found. Waiting…waiting…waiting. No booming voice.

Today, I carry on towards the dream. Tomorrow, I share time with my precious daughter. Friday, I look into a more conservative, seemingly responsible solution. Saturday, more time with my daughter and, I am sure, much reflection of what today and Friday bring to my mind and my heart.

God, in case it works for you, I’d love to hear a booming voice on Saturday.

Last week, I was fortunate to be a participant in Abilene Christian University’s Conference on Peace. I was able to share some things I have learned about peacemaking and heard several stories from some people doing great things to bring peace in the world. One of the things I shared was one of the many lessons I learn from my dog, Gus.

One of the truths about peace is that it comes through conflict. Big surprise, right? As I listened to stories about conflict, I was struck by how it affects relationships. And this is where my story about Gus came into the mix and generated several comments afterwards.

Gus is a great dog, friendly and sweet. He’s is easy to love and pet. He’s also a puppy, prone to tear up, chew up and dig up. He gets in trouble and gets in trouble now and again. Yet one thing is consistent with Gus. He is always ready to roll over and let you pet his tummy. When Gus does this, he is very vulnerable. He could easily be trapped, struck, stepped on or held down and yet he does it over and over.

Gus and I have a good relationship. I generally talk nicely to him and pet him a fair amount. I also ignore him at times, pressing on to what is important in my world. There are times I give him a harsh word for getting in my way. And there are times he gets a spanking because he has done something I don’t like. My relationship with Gus sounds like a lot of relationships I have been in but there is a difference in Gus and me. Gus continues to roll over and be vulnerable hoping to get petted. I have learned to hide my vulnerability. Gus is willing to risk the pain of being ignored or hurt. Me, not so much. I am so afraid of the pain that I will miss the joy of being petted.

I have had my fair share of conflict in relationships and the pain that comes with it; pain that has been heaped on me and pain that I have caused others. Gus sees people with the hope of being petted and I see people with the fear of pain. Gus is willing to throw himself out there, I withdraw. Gus looks for good things to happen, I calculate how much damage may occur.

This is what conflict does to people and how past conflict shapes the future. Some people get through the conflict and move into a state of peace and are willing to be vulnerable again. Others go through conflict and begin to see every step of the future as more conflict. And relationships suffer. Or never get off the ground.

I hope I will move to a place in my life where I am more like a dog, hoping and trusting that putting myself out there to get petted will get me petted more and not getting trapped in what happens when it doesn’t work out. I hope I will choose to be more vulnerable. There are conversations I want to have that I am afraid to start right now. There are relationships I would like explore but I am afraid to risk the fear of failure right now.

I hope the day comes when I can enjoy relationships the way Gus does: full of hope, willing to be vulnerable and always open to try again.

I’m job hunting. I’m consulting. I’m praying. A lot. I would like to have a good paying job that allows me to accomplish several personal hopes and dreams. Somewhere in all of this I need to catch a break. I have interviewed for a couple of positions and thought they went well but nothing came from it. I have had business owners tell me they want me to consider working for them but we all seem to still be considering it. I have had owners tell me they want to use me for some long term consulting only to put it off or be more sporadic than originally thought. Gimme a break!

Maybe I’m waiting on God to give me a break. I don’t know about all that but I do know this; when the break comes I will be ready to prove myself beyond what is expected of me. I needed a sabbath. I needed to collect myself and get my feet under me. Life hasn’t been all that kind to me and there have been parts of getting beat up that I haven’t responded to well. I needed some time off, time to think, time to walk, time to talk to God. And I thank God that He has given me this time. Now I’m ready. I just need a break (also known as answered prayers).

I always love an inspirational story and many know this one. This lady is one of my favorites because of her ability to change the look on someone’s face. She got her break and she grabbed it with both hands. Certainly an inspiration to me.

It’s easy to be anxious for some of us. I suppose there are people who have never experienced anxiety. I know there are others who have been anxious people who learned to grow past it. There are others who will likely die in anxiety of death.

Jesus said, “Do not be anxious.” It sounds like He was serious out it. I know God was.

Someone recently said to me, “How can I not be anxious?” Let’s face it. Most of us are never going to go through life completely free of concerns, even worry. The question is how do we go through life: trusting in God with some healthy level of concern that keeps us alert to what opportunities are put in our path or worried that things will fall apart even though we have no evidence it will fall apart?

I find those who are most anxious are most concerned with how they think life is supposed to look. At least that’s been my personal experience.

I realized the way I think things should be isn’t the best way it should be. I would NEVER suggest God allow His son to be crucified on the cross. If God thinks that’s the best thing to do for my life, how do I decide what is best without His will and guidance?

I am learning to live with less anxiety (not without, just less!) as I realize the God who gave His son for me is the same God who doesn’t want anything bad for me. He’s the God who wants to give me all He knows I need. Maybe not what I think I need but, again, I would never have suggested God sacrifice His son. If He will do that, what can I really worry about it? That life doesn’t look like I think it should?

God, show me Your ways. Open my eyes to Your path for me. Open my heart to trust fully in You. Speak deeply into me Father. I want to know Your peace. Always.