March 3, 2012

My New Life (and a conversation with God)

I took a long walk. The breeze was crisp, but not a cloud in the sky. I breathed deeply. It felt nice to be alone with my thoughts and have the sun on my face. Crosbi wouldn't need to eat for at least an hour and I was going to soak in the fresh, spring like air.

I should have been anxious. I should have been going over my to-do list in my mind. So much to do before Monday morning. I should have been feeling bad for taking time for myself, not wanting a single moment away from Crosbi. I should have. But I didn't. It wasn't necessary.

It wasn't necessary because Monday will be like all the other Mondays we've enjoyed these past 14 weeks.

I quit my job.

I could give the long, detailed story as to how I made that decision, and truthfully the simplest and most honest is this: God told me to. But I would be naive to think that everyone who stumbles across this little blog would know what I mean by that. No, he didn't audibly say, "Tara, you must quit your job." But as with most relationships, actions speak much louder than words. So I thought I would document our "conversation" over the past few weeks.

Me: God, I can't do this. I can't leave her. My heart can't take it.
God: I'm not asking you to leave her.
Me: We can't afford it. I've crunched the numbers a thousand times and they just don't add up.
God: Out of nowhere, Todd is offered a new job with his company and a raise.
Me: I just signed up for a flexible spending account for childcare. We will lose a lot of money.
God: HR tells me we will only have to use the small amount we had paid in and it's completely reimbursable.
Me: My job covers all of our insurance and we turned down Todd's plan when Crosbi was born. We can't go the rest of the year uninsured.
God: Todd's HR says his insurance will pick up where mine leaves off.
Me: But we'll still come up short. Really short. I have to contribute something.
God: Our pastor calls, asks if I can work at our church two days a week. With practically free childcare.
Me: But I can't leave the music industry. It's too important to me. Who am I if I can't say I work for Sony?
God: You are My child and Crosbi's mother. Roles that should not be taken lightly.
Me: Speechless.

Isn't God so gracious to provide when we need Him? I don't take for granted this blessing. I know so many moms that would do anything to stay home with their little ones and for whatever reason are not able to. I know I don't deserve this opportunity. All I can offer as a thank you is my full commitment to raise Crosbi to know her Savior. He has called me to an incredibly important role and I don't take it lightly.

Todd and I don't have the perfect life. I don't want to ever come across as if we do. It's not going to be easy with me staying home. We have to cut back a lot. Budgeting has a whole new meaning now. But I'm more than okay with that.

I'm so thankful for this new life. So thankful to spend my days with my girl.

Oh wow Tara!!! I'm going to miss you through work connections, but I hope we can keep in touch, and I'm so happy for you! Being a Mom is your #1 job, and I'm so glad God has given you the opportunity to stay at home with Miss Crosbi. I'll be praying for you, but I know you'll do great!!!!

I didn't go back either...if it is meant to be, it will be. I think it's awesome you put HIM first and recognize when HE is speaking to you. From one stay at home mom to another, it is a blessing. It can be challenging at times, but what job isn't?! I think your decision is AWESOME. Good for you :)

Tara, your post is super encouraging. We've been going through the same conversation for months now. We're just waiting for our little man to get here and for God to speak back!I know I'll feel the same way and I haven't even held him yet!! Thanks for being so open with your story! Love you!

I am just smiling all over in my heart! I remember, even before Asher was born, crying with heartache at the thought of going back to work full time. Even though I knew he would be cared for, he would be cared for by someone other than me... and I was not ok with that. God knows the deepest wants and desires of our hearts... I think that the key is trusting Him to take care of that. His faithfulness is always promised and always true. So very happy for you guys!!!!

Wow! Tara I'm just reading your blog. What an amazing opportunity God has given you. Being a mother first and foremost is the most rewarding, fulfilling, difficult at times, but most special thing God can give us. Truly happy for you. And I STILL need to meet this precious thing who has changed your life in an incredible way!!