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Roosh Pregnancy Test

I’m inventing a new home pregnancy test because I’m not satisfied with the ones on the market. Right now all the pregnancy tests are 99% accurate, which is way too accurate. I want there to be serious doubt if the test comes back positive to buy me some extra time to search for cheap one-way fares to a different country. The defining moment of my life should not come to me in a plastic tube brought from CVS pharmacy.

Introducing the Roosh Pregnancy Test ™, with an 80% accuracy rating.

With the Roosh Test, if it comes back positive there is a whopping 20% chance that your life is not ruined. That’s a pretty good chance! Therefore there is no reason to stress out if there is a positive result. Until you do find out the true result, make a couple simple life changes to represent your renewed outlook on life, like moving and changing your phone number and birth name.

But how about false negatives, you may ask, when the test comes back negative but the girl is actually pregnant? Let’s take a closer look at the numbers. If the test comes back negative, there is a huge 80% chance that it’s correct and she is really not pregnant. If you went to a casino and I could guarantee an 80% winning chance on a roll of a die, would you take the bet? Of course you would. There is only a 20% chance it is wrong and you are in fact screwed, which is pretty damn small, but not so small that if it came back positive you need to start calling abortion clinics.

A man’s psychology is such that he needs to be eased into life-changing events. And that’s what my inaccurate pregnancy test does, coating his brain with wonderful doubt and inoculating him against the big revelation that would put a halt to his correct lifestyle.

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The fact that a picture of Jesus is on the box should be an indication that no man is responsible for the pregnancy (if the test comes back positive). You know, that whole “immaculate conception” thing…

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11 years ago

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miik

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Wouldn’t your face on the box then become like a poster of what you look like around the globe?

Suppose the mother has the sense to have AOL and USA Today do KILLER FUNNY STORIES on the missing father’s face being on the pregnancy test box?

! Convenience stores patrons around the globe would have you triangulated in no time !