So I've been crushing on this fellow for a helluva long time and we have yet to meet or talk on the phone despite his attempts to arrange both and despite the fact that we connect pretty much daily.

He wanted to take me to my favourite forest on the weekend but I declined mostly because my girl was home from Montreal (and also because I wasn't yet ready to meet him), and two nights ago he asked if we could at least talk on the phone to take it beyond texting within an app (he doesn't have my number yet).

Well that didn't go over too well and when he tried to call through the app I panicked and hung up on him. He thought I was joking so he tried again and I hung up again and again and again.

Each call felt like a swift kick to my chest and I began to shrink and retreat and there was no fucking way I was anywhere near prepared enough to talk to my crush for the first time without notice.

Welcome to the life of those of us who would often rather die than talk on the phone to someone - especially without adequate time to mentally prepare for such an endeavour.

I don't get anxiety often, but I sure as hell do when people try to come too close too quickly without warning. Not just physically, but online as well. Hence my struggles with digital one-on-one interactions.

Like, I need TONS of space and time to prepare for something new with someone new. Not always, mind you, because if I'm not invested in any way I can usually go with the flow more easily, but when the person really matters to me and he is the cutest boy I've ever seen, well then kill me now.

He didn't understand at first because he's an extrovert. He didn't know why him calling was such a big deal but I explained it to him and I let him know I will definitely talk to him once I adjust to the idea. I just need to hype myself up and get comfortable first. By last night I was adjusted and now I've agreed to chat next time he calls. His response to this ordeal helped a whole lot though:

"Don't worry about it if it actually bothers you. We can do it when you're ready. Any interaction with you at all will suffice."

Swoon.

There's only one other fellow that made me thus cuckoo - the sexy dragon I've written about and since ended things with - and despite the fact that he was in my world for over 6 years off and on, whenever he tried to call I barely answered and when he would Skype or FaceTime me I'd panic and hide myself from the screen. Every single time. I wanted to crawl into a hole. But I loved seeing him and he loved being seen and he accepted that this is just what I do.

Not only that, even with my very best friend, Melanie, I don't show my face when we Skype. I hide to keep myself comfy enough to talk. And this is with the person I feel safest with. The person I talk to every single day about every single thing.

My fear is not about how I look or how I sound (although in the past when I believed I was ugly that sure didn't help). It's just an overall feeling of too close for comfort so I need to self-protect.

Those who don't struggle with this are probably extroverts. I know I'm at least half extrovert, too, and I'm a wild beast in a few areas. But the other part of me is a timid creature that you'll only ever get close to if you don't pressure or push or scare or invalidate or make me feel wrong for being who I am.

He didn't let those hang ups deter him. He said we can talk when I'm ready. So 24 hours later, I told him that I was. Because I am.

With love from the one who is the loudest online but the quietest in love and romance,

Mandy xo

(Update: we did a video chat the next night and then met in person the following day)