I'm so fed up with my family. They suck! My mother was near death in the care of my CNA brother - who abused my mother financial, emotionally, and physically when she was made to poop her pants, and lay in a bed behind closed doors with the TV as her friend. All monitored phone calls and never was she able to talk because they'd speak for her. She went from that situation to a rehab facility and then to my house.

Since being at our house for four weeks, my 95-year old mother has gone from not walking or being able to stand or to feed herself without spilling, to being able to stand, walk 9 feet with a walker and from a total 2 person assist to use the facilities to one assist and only to balance. She can feed herself now, engage in conversation, and is part of the world.

However, the sibs I have only want to visit and nobody wants to relieve us. We are up every 90 minutes bedpanning during the night and never are able to get away because mother can't be left alone at all. My husband should be working and he is not because he is helping me caregive and we're both feeling rather burned out and without a life. I have a job that requires 50-60 hours of my time every week and is a management position with no support underneath.

How do you get the unwilling sibs to do their part? They all call and tell me how hard their day is and how tired they are and how they have to sit in the hot tub for an hour before they can move because of their arthritis. Waaa, waa, waa, is how I feel right now.

1. You and your husband absolutely need help. You need respite care for Mother. You need to get away regularly to recharge your batteries.

2. You are not likely to get this help from your brothers and sisters. One brother was even abusing her, for heaven's sake! You certainly don't expect him to pitch in!

3. You must arrange for the help as other people who are only children or who have non-participating siblings do. Start with her doctor. Also call your Senior Linkage line and/or your county's social services to see what help your mother might be eligible for.

You need/deserve help. Family is not providing help. You need to find help elsewhere.

Sure, try a family meeting. But be warned that having people sit in a room an agree to something is NOT the same as having people do what they agreed to. And as for telling them what they have to do ... sorry, you have no authority to do that and that will work less well than getting their voluntary agreement (which isn't worth the time it took to get it).

You did a splendid job in giving Mother some of her health and her dignity back. Be proud!

In your management position I'll bet you have to delegate sometimes, right? I think it is time to delegate some of the tasks of caregiving. But just as in business, it is important to delegate to people who are willing and capable. That doesn't sound like family.

There are several ways to do this... 1) Get them all in one room with big calendar and tell them to sign up and here are your duties...good luck! 2) Call social services for an evaluation of what your Mother might be eligible for regarding in home help. Her doctor can refer you to a service. 3) Hire professional help and advice your siblings what their share in the costs will be.

You really need to have a siblings meeting and just be honest with what your Mother's needs are and what you can provide. One person cannot do 24/7 care. There are outlines on this website and guidelines available at other sites. You may want to have a mediator conduct the meeting to keep it focused on your Mother. Social services can provide this individual.

It isn't easy but it can be accomplished with open and honest communication! The only other option would be a nursing home. Good luck!

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