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Wimbiscus: Giving back to the celebrity elites who have given us so much

May 5, 2019

God bless our celebrities.

You know, those entertainment, media and political elites who make our country great by herding the mindless American masses. In the olden days, we simply called them politicians, reporters and performers.

Back then. politicians merely politicized – always for votes, sometimes for pork and occasionally for bribes.

Reporters, such as Walter Cronkite, mostly just reported the news. On the rare occasion they elicited an opinion, it was clearly labeled commentary.

And performers? They simply performed stuff.

Maybe on one of the networks (we only had three back then), maybe in one of the 50 or so movies released each year, or maybe on stage it was Chicago for A-listers, Joliet for B-listers, Peoria for C-listers.

A lucky few also got commercial contracts, hawking everything from coffee to cigarettes to Playtex Living Bras.

Beyond that, most celebrities didn’t get overly involved with telling the rest of us what to do.

All that’s changed now, of course, and I, for one, couldn’t be happier.

Entertainment, media and political celebrities dominate television, social media, the internet and print every minute of every day, helping stupid folk by telling us what to buy, who to vote for and what, in general, to believe.

Confused about climate change? Listen to Leonardo Di Caprio.

Ignorant about immigration? Have President Donald Trump explain the issue to you.

Struggling with how socialism will save America? Ask Susan Sarandon or Michael Moore. They’re both millionaires, so they should know how to redistribute your wealth.

Taken aback by terrorism? Let Rep. Ilhan Omar, D-Minn., who recently characterized the 9-11 attacks as “some people did something,” explain it to you.

Thank you, celebrities, for setting us straight and helping us avoid the inconvenience of thinking for ourselves.

I think it’s high time to give back to these extraordinary people, the elites who unselfishly and unceasingly tell us ignorant Americans why everything we thought was wrong and why everything they think is right.

As a writer, I’m capable of giving back only one gift to those trying so hard to control us – words. I’ve listed some below in sentence form; their meaning should be obvious. And while they’re not in the latest edition of Merriam-Webster, feel free to use them:

• She loughlined her kids into USC with $500,000 rowing scholarships.

• Despite extensive police evidence of his guilt, the accused was able to smollett out a nolle prosequi.