Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Maybe You Are All Homosexuals

This article has made it all over the internets, but it's too good not to raise here. The piece in question is from James Dobson's Focus on the Family, titled "Is My Child a Homosexual?" (Because as the president would say: rarely is the question asked, "Is our children learning to be gay?")

Anyway, here are the signs to watch for:

Evidences of gender confusion or doubt in boys ages 5 to 11 may include:

1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.

Conform, young ones! Conform!!!

2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.

Yes, any 5-year-old boy who cries after a good beating is definitely gay. Christ. Take it like a man, Jeffy.

3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.

4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.

Sure, I'm flattered. Maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no.

5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”

Yes, if the other children call you a name, then it certainly has to be true. Gaydar is incredibly strong at the younger ages -- much like the ability to pick up a foreign language. (Warning: If the foreign language your child has learned is French, then he is also gay.)

Seriously, I remember when I was a kid, we would play a game in which we tossed a football to each other to determine the sexuality of our friends. The one who caught the divine football was instantly identified as "queer" and the rest of us then had an honor-bound duty to "smear" said queer. It was scientifically proven. Unlike evolution.

6. A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even “think” effeminately.

Yes, James Dobson has perfected mind-reading techniques, and he will use them to rule the world. Kneel before Zod!

7. A repeatedly stated desire to be — or insistence that he is — a girl.

Tell me about it. My little brother insisted he was a dog for a week. Realizing that he knew his true nature, we took him to the vet and had him put down.

If your child is experiencing several signs of gender confusion, professional help is available. It’s best to seek that help before your child reaches puberty.

“By the time the adolescent hormones kick in during early adolescence, a full-blown gender identity crisis threatens to overwhelm the teenager,” warns psychologist Dr. James Dobson. To compound the problem, many of these teens experience “great waves of guilt accompanied by secret fears of divine retribution.”

Gee, why would the gay children whose parents actually listen to James Dobson and his kind for advice -- why would they experience guilt and fears of divine retribution? That's a real puzzler.