“There are no laws on naming your children. None. You can name them anything you want. I’d like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like ‘Ladies and Gentlemen.’ That’ll be a cool name for a kid. ‘This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!’ Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please!’

On Avoiding Illness

Kids are like buckets of disease. Last week I got a flu that I caught, because my daughter coughed … into my mouth.

On Hitting Kids

“I really think it’s crazy that we hit our kids. Here’s the crazy part about it; kids are the only people in the world that you’re allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They’re the most vulnerable and the most destroyed by being hit but it’s totally OK to hit them. And they’re the only ones! if you hit a dog they will put you in jail for that sh*t. You can’t hit a person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you. But a little tiny person with a head this big who trusts you implicitly: ‘F**K ‘EM, WHO GIVES A SH*T! LET’S ALL HIT THEM!’ People want you to hit your kid. If your kid is making noise: ‘HIT HIM! HIT ‘EM!'”

On Just Getting F**cking Through It Some Days

It’s like Platoon. You’ve got all this f**king stuff; you have an impossible amount of sh*t to carry, and usually, a kid sometimes too. And I see parents all over the place with skinny little ankles and, you know, with no particular features and they just — life’s worn them down to a basic like human shape, you know? Their personality and whatever they — the lines in their face and the chiseling is gone. They’re just this thing and it’s like ant strength, and you just have to, you just have to do it to get through whatever f**king, you know, we’ve got to get from here to there. And she didn’t want to be here any more, and she has to go to the bathroom, and I’ve got a stroller.”

On Gender Roles in Parenting

Roles have all changed. There’s a lot of fathers who take care of their kids, there’s a lot of mothers who have careers. But in culture, those roles are still the same. When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. A waitress said to my kids the other day, “Isn’t that nice that you’re getting to have a little lunch with your daddy?” And I was insulted by it, because I’m like, I’m f**king taking them to lunch, and then I’m taking them home, and then I’m feeding them and doing their homework with them and putting them to bed. She’s like, Oh, this is special time with daddy. Well, no, this is boring time with daddy, the same as everything.

On Where to Find Parenting Role Models

Being a father is something I had to figure out on my own, because I didn’t really have a role model for a dad. I look at other fathers and they’re role models for me. And as far as work goes, I had to raise myself. When you don’t have a dad, you sort of collectively and from within find the strength that a dad is usually called on to give a kid. So that informs the way I work hard when I do and also when I’m not able to, it probably gives me a little bit of a problem with authority, I really don’t like being told what to do or say, it really bothers me, down in the guts, so I think that’s probably from that.

On Telling Your Kids About Gay Marriage

“It doesn’t have ANY effect on your life. What do you care? People try to talk about it like it’s a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say “How am I supposed to explain to my child that two men are getting married?” …. I dunno,it’s your sh*tty kid, you f**kin’ tell ‘em. Why is that anyone else’s problem? Two guys are in LOVE but they can’t get married because YOU don’t want to talk to your ugly child for f**kin’ five minutes?”

Join The Discussion

The gender roles thing is absolutely true. I was out running errands with my daughter the other afternoon, and the guy at the dry cleaners said, “Oh, babysitting today?” “No, this is my own child. That’s called ‘parenting.'”

Saw a Louis C.K. special recently and I found this to be awesome (copy and pasted from another source):

“I remember the first time my daughter said a whole sentence. That was a big deal for me. She had never made a thought by her self, she’d just said these little words. One time, I was doing my dishes and she said “Daddy, I don’t like chicken.” I dropped my plate, my wife and I cried and hugged, you know, it was a big moment. A week later, she says, “Daddy, I don’t like chicken.” And I said “We’re fucking having chicken, what are you talking about. I don’t like chicken…I don’t like you, ok? I don’t like people that make me work and don’t appreciate what I make for them. You don’t like chicken, get out of your shitty plastic chair and make whatever you want.”
— Louis C.K., Chewed Up
That’s basically how I imagine parenthood to be. Brief moments of joy and pride, followed by far more annoyances.

Great collection, I would add the bit about listening to your kids stories…

“She’s five, five years old. What secret does she have that I really need to hear? Like she’s gonna tell me a secret and I’m gonna go “holy shit, are you serious? Oh my god. Honey I wont tell anybody, that is fucked up though, seriously? She got an abortion on Christmas eve? Oh my god.” She’s five years old, you know what that means? Nothing that she says matters. She’s never said anything actually important in her entire life. I literally could have missed every word this fuckin kid has ever said…and nothing would be different! I enjoy the things she says. They’re beautiful and poetic and I love hearing them, but I don’t have to hear any of it!”

Or a good one I heard when he performed at Carolines…

“I was putting my kids to bed, and it’s the end of the day and I just wanna go the fuck to sleep, I’m tired. And my older one just keeps talking to me. She goes “Daddy, birds are like paintbrushes that color the sky”. “Honey….shut your fucking mouth!”

Part of what’s so amazing about Louis C.K.’s parenting comedy is his willingness to treat kids like they’re adults. He swears at them and insults them like he would some jerk on the street. Obviously, we all try not to treat our kids that way, but we want to, and we think about it. Louis C.K. lets us not be ashamed about thinking it.