Dumbass Pages

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Dumbass on Drugs, Dumbass on Fire, Hazmat & the Car Wash!

I have traveled to, through and/or lived in over 30 of the fifty States in the Union.

North Dakota fills none of those bills.

For the Yoopers in the audience, that means "I ain't never been there." Therefore, I don't know a helluva lot about The Dakota On Top.

I do, however, know that North Dakota is home to less than 750,000 people and the do a lot of oil bidness there.

There is a small town of about 18,000 North Dakota-ites, most of them White North Dakota-ites, named Mandan. I have never before heard of this burg.

Can You Show Me to the Nearest Car Wash, Please?

Until now.

Thanks to a Dumbass.

I'd like to thank David Kissee for this.

Let me splain.

You see, David was having a grand old time doing some controlled substances and hanging out at the local convenience store when, shall we say, he "had a moment". No, we shall say that he "fucking freaked out", as is often the case when human beans ingest narcotics.

In his state of hallooganatin', David was 100% certain that a team of Hazmat Guys dressed in chemical suits had poured some toxic materials upon his person. His skin was burning as though he had been dipped in sulfuric acid.

He had to do something!I am sure that there a few remedies that would alleviate some of David's discomfort.

I am also quite convinced that dousing yourself in gasoline and setting yourself on fire is not one of them.

But this is exactly what David did.

It turns out that the very real fire consuming David's body was much more uncomfortable than the imaginary chemicals that the imaginary Hazmat Guys had soaked him with.

But!As luck would have it, Fate intervened!

On the convenience store property was...wait...for...it...a drive-thru carwash!Or in David's case, a Richard Pryor Memorial Haul Ass Thru So You Can Extinguish the Flames Burning Your Body to a Crisp Dumbass Wash. Bingo! No more fire!With his skin not quite the consistency of a deep fried 59¢ burrito from Taco Bell, David somehow had enough snap about, or as they say in North Dakota "aboot", him to realize that he needed to get his ash ass outta there.

So he did what any lunatic who had just set himself afire would do. Call 9-1-1? Nope. He stole a car. A few blocks away, Dave ditched the car and further complicated his predicament by breaking into a house! Unfortunately for Our Hero, the homeowner was in the house.

Instead of setting himself on fire, utilizing a Richard Pryor Memorial Haul Ass Thru So You Can Extinguish the Flames Burning Your Body to a Crisp Dumbass Wash and stealing a car to escape from the intruder, the Homeowner Guy called 9-1-1.

David Kissee was arrested and admitted to the psych ward burn unit of a local hospital where he is currently undergoing de-crispification.

Which is a lot better than what he'll undergo in a North Dakota State Penitentiary.