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The Most Popular Internet Article Ever (Featuring Obama and Justin Bieber)

As
any SEO (search engine optimization) expert will tell you, one of the
best ways to get content to show up in Google search results is to use
popular keywords and phrases—the things people search for most. So if
you want to write an effective blog post, try something like this…

Earlier today, Justin Bieber and Barack Obama watched The Hunger Games while discussing the Trayvon Martin case, the Facebook IPO, and sex.

“What’s the best cure for indigestion?” asked
Bieber (@justinbieber) as he got into his 2013 Ford Fusion and pumped up
Katy Perry.

“Who knows?” said Obama (is Obama from Kenya?),
scratching his dragon tattoo and contemplating the best 2012 prom
hairstyles while legalizing gay marriage and marijuana via his secret
iPhone 5. “I’ve been too busy focusing on the economy, health care, and
Jeremy Lin.”

Suddenly a NASCAR vehicle driven by Lindsay Lohan
(what’s the penalty for DUI?) pulled up and out stepped Snooki, Megan
Fox, Jesus Christ, and Kim Jong-un (they had been shopping for Harry
Potter-themed engagement rings at Ikea) and proposed
watching—simultaneously, on an iPad 3—the 2012 Academy Awards, the NBA Playoffs, Downton Abbey, American Idol, and funny pet videos.

“Sorry we’re late,” said Snooki. “I was busy
applying to the best Ivy League schools—or, to use a trending
expression, ‘planking to the Ke$ha Xbox Beats by Dre.’”

“Are you drunk?” asked Jesus. “And if so, what’s the best way to cure a hangover?”

Twilight beckoned. It was nearing 6:00, or 7:00 (when is Daylight Savings Time?), and Angry Birds twittered in the sky.

“And for that matter, how do I know if I’m
pregnant?” added Kim Jong-un, whereupon everyone stopped and stared like
they did at Pippa Middleton at the Royal Wedding. “Uh, I mean, do any
of y’all know the best way to LOSE WEIGHT TODAY…besides being starved by
an oppressive regime?”

“You mean Facebook?” asked David Hasselhoff,
apparently still popular somewhere. “Because I can’t log in to Gmail,
Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram.”

Suddenly,
the ground shook, the skies parted, and from the heavens descended a
golden search term: Kim Kardashian. “Why am I alive?” she asked. “What
am I doing on this earth? And why can’t I find a job?”

“Sorry, can you repeat?” said Kardashian, the
occasionally blonde brunette. “I was on my Samsung Nexus Prime with
Angela Merkel solving the Euro debt crisis.”

Now it was Mitt Romney’s turn. “Listen everyone, I
need a plumber…I mean, a vacation. Here’s the two-part plan: assuming
the Weather Channel forecast looks okay, we should board my private
plane—as soon as I get the license renewed (what are the hours of the
DMV?) and strap my Nyan Cat to the roof—and kick it hardcore in Las
Vegas.”

“For FREE?” asked Donald Trump. “Without cheap airline tickets or a groupon? For less than the cost of a postage stamp?”

“My treat,” said Mitt.

A BBC News reporter interrupted. “Mitt, when will the recession be over? And how do I cure depression?”

“And how do all these things affect Miley Cyrus?”
added a reporter for Fox News—but not before Scientologist Tom Cruise
offered, “Mental illness is an illusion, like herpes (symptoms?), cancer
(how do I get one of them bracelets?), or people who don’t believe in
aliens (am I eligible for an H-1B visa?).”

But
the plane was off. And with Sarah Palin and Kony as pilots, the nude
celebrities—by this time, they felt sufficiently comfortable around each
other—flew to Vegas, a place hotter than Tahrir Square amid the Arab
Spring sans Old Spice deodorant, where they reveled in games, gambling,
shopping, movies, and filing tax returns with TurboTax (when do I get my
IRS refund?), stopping only for a celeb charity sports tournament
featuring Team One (LeBron James, Brett Favre, Maria Sharapova, Ronaldo)
vs. Team Two (Tiger Woods, Serena Williams, Kobe Bryant, Derek Jeter).

“Agreed,” said Charlie Sheen. “A moment of silence
for Whitney Houston (who died of barely legal drugs—not for diabetes,
high blood pressure, or Norovirus)—and for Michael Jackson…”

“You’re missing the point!” said Jenna Jamison in
support, speaking for mature women and men everywhere. “I’m sorry, but
as humans living in 2012 (is the world ending?) I believe we deserve to
go a full five minutes without hearing a single detail about Lil Wayne,
Beyonce, or the latest Mega Millions Lottery. It’s time we all return
to…”