Sunday, April 24, 2011

A cloudy day, the altitude, and pink

My mother is leaving, and now I guess I go back to my normal life, whatever that is. I wonder if there’s ever a point where you can undo that original place of loss, abandonment, hopelessness, that’s what I’m thinking as I walk into the clouds, really what it feels like yesterday has been a cloudy day and my mother kept saying oh no, it’s going to rain. But it never rains, just a few drops and the clouds keep blowing. Although it was refreshing to feel the moisture in the air, almost like fog except that’s just because we’re so high up that the clouds are lower. My mother opens a bottle of carbonated water, and it explodes. That was yesterday. My mother opens a bottle of carbonated water, and it explodes. That was today.

Oh, right -- the altitude -- that’s what it must be. And then I’m walking through sadness almost tears, yes I want to mark this place in the parking lot of my mother’s hotel, childhood and everything that comes later we want it to help and does it ever help and maybe I’m glad she doesn’t call me from behind to say goodbye again and then I would turn around and she would see my eyes, I’m studying the plants in the driveway, what grows here and stepping into the street it’s this time of day into night that I love so much, no energy except this softness between me and the sky, the light, the air, and I’m thinking about this new medication, the first thing it says is WARNING: This medicine has rarely been associated with cancerous conditions in certain animals treated with it for long periods of time. But I also like the part where it says CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience seizures. Oh, right -- hey seizure, hold on a moment, I need to call my doctor!

The pills are pink, which makes them seem grosser. I’m back home now, cruising the internet so that maybe I won’t feel so tired. Which makes me tired. I mean I was already tired. Now I’m more tired.