Ramblings of a Mad Man (The Hobo Years)

Watch as Waffles tries not to get raped by bums, freeze to death, or get beaten to death by the cops. Our money is on the bums.

Friday, April 27, 2012

We May Have A Winner

Last night I got sent pictures of boobs.. so I now may have to put that person first on my blog list. Even before VeryJosie... YES! Grouchie! You have a fine chest man! Keep up the good work bro! Peace.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Time Rolls On

I need to redo my blogroll and other stuff on the website. It is a little sad. I mean AlCantHang probably tweets his drunken ass off now instead of posting boobie pics to his blog for us in his SoCo deluded state. Iggy the original Blogfather shizz nizz himself retired into his middle aged house wive life or something. Even the Tao of Poker has gone up in an existential whiff of smoke (whatever the fuck that means)!

Ahh and all the women I loved to creep out. The Veneno and the lovely LoveElf. Who knows when Carmen will be back. All the big, beautiful breasts I have taken pictures with gone into the distant past of blogging.

Jordon is still around but he does not post his bad advice as much since Black Friday. Perhaps he will resurface one Vegas Online(tm) comes into being. Hell I even have a dead person on my blogroll. Good thing they buried his blog too.

Ah well things change. Soon there could be others on the main page of the roll. Perhaps I will even institute that sidebar thing Josie does with all the latest updates. I think that thing is broken though because it no longer seems to sort from newest to oldest.

Who will be the new tits I get to take pictures next to? (BTW- I just noticed you are NOT on Josie's bloglist! JOSIE GET ON IT!) I am pretty much the lone holdout of the old school who is still blogging. Everyone else has moved on to tweeting and other stuff. Actually Grubby still posts some of his slot machine addicted ramblings. Perhaps him and Tony could go on a bender together?

SO what I am really trying to say is START SUCKING UP NOW! There are changes coming and if you want a link just suck up! Peace.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Am I Ready For This?

My son is at the age where girls are at least interesting. Last week he told me about a girl he likes in class. He can not ask her about because his friend is dating her but he likes her. The other night he told me about another girl. He is however too shy to ask her out.

It kind of breaks my heart a little to see insecurity around women. I spent way too many years being unable to get up the courage to be rejected. So I told the kid the truth. Everyone asks a lot of girls out and gets shot down a bunch of time. However when that special girl finally says yes it makes it well worth it.

I tried to relate it to baseball. I told him if you do not swing you can not hit a home run. If you do not ask girls out you can not have the great feeling of one saying yes and having a good time going out and being in love. I wish someone told me this. Peace.

Two Steps Back

First off make sure you read about cats on the Tao of Fear. Dr. Pauly's fear mongering site is awesome and I am proud to contribute to it by writing the Waffles report.

I feel like the secret to massive change in your life (at least for me) is to accomplish one thing a day. This really has seemed to work for me. You need to have a list of things to get done and accomplish. Some are going to be short term quickies, some medium, and some longer term. All of these things should be broken down into specifics though.

You can not just say "I will be rich". You need to figure out what talents you have to accomplish this with. If you have no talents and need training then put that on the list. Like signing up for dealer school or designing something. Break all these goals down to specific and accomplishable smaller tasks and then go do it.

Some days you may fail at your tasks but keep trying and keep doing that one thing a day. Usually smaller things during the weekdays and maybe larger things when you have more time on the weekend. Eventually all these things you accomplish and make a part of your daily routine will have changed you.

I feel like the past couple weeks have been a slight step back. The kids have been off school and I let my discipline down and actually got some sleep. Stopped doing the morning routine because the keystone of getting the boy up was gone. So my whole schedule kind of binked. Luckily I have taken like 3 steps forward in the past four months.

I just need to refocus and be more disciplined. People have noticed my slipping back in the past week which makes me happy because there was a real change noticed and the lack of it had an effect. So keep on fighting the good fight. Peace.

Friday, April 20, 2012

When

When I frown I think of Carmel.
I feel that frown on my face and the first thing I do is think of her. I remember how she said if you just smile some chemicals will course through your brain and make you feel good. So I attempt a smile. Probably scaring people in the process. It is a start though. Peace.
P.S. WTF New Blogger I am not liking you!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Craziest Thing You Have Done

What is the craziest thing you have done sexually.. that you might not ever do again. I have done all the normal things like having sex in the car, woods, public places, etc.. those never seemed all that weird.. parking lot was a little nerve wracking.

I think the weirdest thing I ever did with a chick though was: Web Cam Sex. It was weird and not anything I would ever have thought of doing. It was with this chick who was clearly insane. Most of the women I go out with have to be insane.

She was the wildest person I have ever met though. She had a gigantic tattoo down her entire body of some Buddhist symbol or something like that. She once fucked a bottle on camera in front of a bunch of dudes. I mean that was fucking out there right? Am I just a prude?

One night she asked me to turn on the camera because she wanted to see my cock. She then directed me as I masturbated in front of her. She would be like "slow down.. not so fast... mmmm". It was highly erotic and I think I could enjoy a career as a porn star. I enjoyed finally shooting my load for her and hearing her appreciation.

I have to tell you I never thought I would do something like that and in hindsight it probably is a dumb idea but man was it erotic. Total turn on. So what crazy shit have you done? If your too embarrassed to share in comments then send me a private email at sirfwalgman@gmail.com. Chicks only Duggles! Peace.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Ick

Waffles Jr, Indeed

This weekend was THE weekend. It was a weekend that is awaited for many, many, months. It is the culmination of hours and hours of watching Jeremy Wade and imagining our very own monsters. It is in fact the annual kids fishing derby!

The pond is stocked up with fish. A huge amount of trout are tossed in so the kids can have an awesome fishing experience. My son LOVES and adores the fishing derby. Every year since he was 6 years old he has come out to the derby. He throws his line in the water and hopes to catch fish. Not just fish BUT the winning fish. You see only trout count for the contest and the person with the biggest trout is awarded a trophy.

How the boy longs for this coveted trophy. He is a good fisherman too. He has caught huge pickerel and pikes galore. He has caught giant catfish and fish that were the largest in the whole contest. What he has failed to do so far though is to catch an elusive winning trout.

This year the daughter came with us and joined the competition. I got them both new fishing rods and we got some tackle. We loaded up on trout worms. We were ready to dominated.

My son had the first catch of a huge pike. My daughter was sad because she could not catch anything. The side of the pond we were on was shallow and the hooks kept getting caught up so we moved to the other side.

The boy caught another much bigger pike and we went up and registered it for the contest. We get back and almost instantly my daughter has a fish on the line. She reals it in and it is a 10.5 foot trout! She brings it up and registers it for the contest.

Soon enough they call the kids in from fishing so they can announce the awards. I stay by the pond with the kids fishing rods. The boy comes back looking a little dejected.. with no trophy in his hand. He goes back to fishing then says offhand "SGirl won the fishing derby!".

I knew god was a mean bastard and this hit me as particularly funny. I start cracking up. I mean I was laughing so hard. The poor kid spends so long trying to win and his sister wins the first year she enters. I told the boy we would study up and win it next year. His sister came back with this gigantic #1 - Largest fish, Age 7-10 trophy.

The boy handled it well and was not mean at all to his sister which was a surprise. I really hope he is able to win it soon. Poor kid. So freaking funny though. Peace.

I Love the Morning

The morning is awesome when your in that state of half dream half awake. Having waking dreams of Umpah Lumpah orgies and Caramels running around the apartment with no clothes on. Cock hard and imagination revving into overdrive. The morning can be a good place.

I am not sure which post Carmel wanted me to find about a dream but here are a few demented dreams I have posted about over the year.

Josie's License

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Now Hiring

New goddess to worship. Must have IM.

Mean ole Josie's bosses will not let her IM during the day. Who am I supposed to talk to? Bayne? He has a cute bald head but cmon. Whenever I needed a break from the grind I would fire up some ADD addled sentences to Josie and she would fire some fiery Italian lines back and everything would be good.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Where In The World Is Josie?

Hey baby stop being so busy. I know you like never IM me and I have to make all the advances but it becomes very hard to worship you when your not even on IM. :P

Sorry for the lack of posts. I am feeling a little down but rebounding. Stayed home sick Monday because I was tired and did not even get up in the morning so threw the whole families schedule off. I felt kinda bad about that. I really feel like I have to be the rock that sets the tone. The wife is way too sporadic. She is good at planning things but not good at the micro-stuff and especially not good with staying on a time schedule.

On the good side I finally freed up $250 a month in expenses. We are now a Verizon family. If you have my old Comcast email and want my new one ask.. If you only have my sirfwalgman@gmail.com that will still work.

I need to work on accomplishing things faster and getting in the habit of doing something every day towards goals instead of escaping my issues. Peace.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Change

What is change? Deep and profound change? It is an interesting question. We all make changes in our lives. We force ourselves not to have that second coke. How long do these changes last though? I mean we really WANT that second coke. When do we start not wanting it? For this is the essence of change. I have cut down to one coke a day for like four months now. I still like coke though. I noticed the past week I have cheated a couple of times and gone to two cokes a day. How long until I just say fuck it and buy a case? Die in a coke filled bathtub of debauchery?

I have given up coke in the past. It has not lasted yet. How do you get past the point of forcing yourself not to do something and keeping discipline versus actually not wanting to do something?

Other changes are slightly easier. Like cooking. I enjoy it actually. I like making myself a few meals a week and it is probably marginally healthier than my previous diet of Hungry Man dinners and other assorted frozen fruit.

Some changes I have made for many months. Like training for a 5K. I was a runner for 9-months. The first time I quit I think it was because I got bored. The second time I got hurt. My leg was all fucked up and sore and I just never jumped back into it. Sometimes I quit because it was too cold. I keep coming back to it though. Mostly because I think exercise is a good thing to do, not because I necessarily like it. I do like my rock solid boobs from pushups though. Women should feel them things when I am doing 100 pushups every 3 days. Ahh yeah.

I guess I have not answer for the question of when SHOULD DO becomes something that you just do. Perhaps it is never. The whole point in life could be to be so disciplined that SHOULD DO just IS and you never have an issue with falling back to your old ways. I hope this is not the case because I am not the most disciplined person in the world. I have my moments. Peace.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

I Hate to Say it..

Monday, April 02, 2012

Death

I love reading Gary's posts about his dad. You can tell how really close they were from everything he wrote.

I never felt all that close to my dad. A lot of that had to do with his jobs. He was always quitting and finding a new job. He had to work long hours. He worked a lot of my childhood as a truck driver until an accident made him unable to drive. Long haul trucking saw him away a lot.

Truth be told I found my dad to be kind of embarrassing. It is probably something most kids have felt at some point. He was a loud guy, always saying something inappropriate. He was over my wife's house for some pre-wedding meet and greet and he put a dog chain around her and said something entirely horrifying.

He was pretty popular where we grew up though. Even if he made me squirm he was interesting to other people. I kind of regret not realizing some of the depth that he had.

I really like to deny that his death had any effect on me. I did not cry (although I did mist up a little at times). I was not really over the house often as I had my own life. I just felt like he was dead, big deal. I think it hit me harder than I know though.

It did correspond to becoming depressed and falling into some bad patterns. Other things were going on at the time but I think his death really did impact me.

The thing I find the funniest though is as I get older I kind of understand more of where he was coming from. I realize it is DAMN hard to raise kids. It is very hard to provide for them. Especially in his case where all of his skills were blue collar. I realize that kids are crazy ass creatures with wills of their own. I learn that life is one hard motherfucking thing to go through. Even at the best of times it is ready to knock you down and force you to struggle to get up again.

As I grew a little in perspective I realized that he probably felt a lot of love for me. He tried his best with all of the circumstances surrounding his life.. many of which I have no clue about. A few months back I stopped for a minute in my day and I said "Dad, I forgive you". Peace.

N is for Needles

I hate them. As a 12yr old kid I was so freaked out by needles. I always got dizzy and nauseous after having anything to do with a needle. I would be walking out of the hospital and collapse into the ground, sweating heavily, and not able to catch my breath. I guess that is what a panic attack is like.. or maybe it fucked with my blood sugar who knows.

One time I went to the hospital and they needed to draw blood and I just freaked out on them. I had 3 orderlies and a nurse trying to hold me down and stick a needle in my arm. Finally a smart doctor (sexy too, alright maybe rewriting history with that but I remember it was a chick). She looks me straight in the eyes and says "Listen kid, we can do this the easy way, or I can stick this needle in your arm and you can thrash around and it can snap off inside your arm and we can try it again and again until it finally works, your call kid".

Mom Sucks

My mother has some kind of brain damage. She wanted my sister to come down to my house. The wife said it was fine however the new and improved me said no fucking way. She want her to come down so we can all have Easter Dinner at my house but I vetoed it.

My sister is the kind of person who you invite over your house and she finds a credit card slip you left out and next thing you know there are three thousand in charges on you card.

My mom asked why she could not come over. As if taking a receipt from a Christmas gift I gave and using it to rack up charges on my credit card was not enough. "But what has she done recently?". Oh you mean like getting cable in my name and me having to deal with that shit? "How long ago was that?". Oh just a few months ago. "Oh really? Well can't you just hide everything and let her come over". Jesus Christ mom! "She will not get to see the kids". I kind of lost it here and I was like "I think the kids would be better off NEVER seeing her again! She is a piece of shit!

So kids that is how I spend my days. Angry asshole wife living in fantasy land and dumbass mother. Peace.

Old Man

I forgot I wanted to write about buying things. I basically never buy anything. I had to go against this tradition this weekend. I was getting ready to go out and sat down to put my shoes on and heard this RIIIIIIIIIIPP. I may have told you this already. My jeans were kinda old but sooo comfy.

I went out and got three new pairs. A whole three when I usually buy like one. I tried out the relaxed fit first. I really like those. I then tried the regular fit. I do not like them as much. The pants seem tight in the legs and ride kinda high in the waist.

The other thing that pisses me off. I did not wash them before using them. Apparently they have some kind of scouring agent in the pockets or something because everything I put in my pockets feels like it has been sandblasted? I mean wtf? When did they start doing shit like that?

Fire! Fire!

I love fire. I got to do my favorite thing this weekend and play with fire. We had a ton of tree limbs that I had moved into the woods after a storm back in October or November. We can only burn things January through May. Finally I got to burn. It was awesome. I threw these giant logs in the middle of my lawn and just lit them up.

I had to pay for it though. My back has been having spasms for the past two days. While I was breaking off some branches I bent one and it snapped in such a way that it shot back at me and smacked my knee. PAIN! Also, wet limbs and charred limbs look alike but they feel a bit different. Ouch.

I have a lot of good fire stories as a kid. Like one day I was playing with matches in my room. Blowing them out and tossing them into the trash can in my room. One did not blow out and all of a sudden I had this huge fire going in my trash can. I did what any normal kid would do. I walked out of my room and pretended nothing was wrong. Luckily I was very bad at pretending and my parents wanted to know why I had this shit-eating guilty grin on my face. They smelled the smoke and grabbed the pail and tossed it in the sink.

Time to refocus.

I owe Josie a spanking but I can not remember why. Hey lets make it a virtual spanking. Lets all post "SPANK VeryJosie" on our blogs and link to her blog. Just like I did. Let's see how high of a ranking we can get off that when we search for VeryJosie.

I feel kind of bad for Tony. He has lost his self control this weekend and now a bankroll that was up to 6k recently is back down to 2k. I doubt he realizes it but one of these times he will not be able to rebuild and he will end up giving hand jobs to old guys on the Vegas streets. Wish I could help him because god knows I understand where he is coming from.

I am going to run for President. My platform will be "Just Fuck". It will abolish all concept of marriage. If you father a kid you pay for his upbringing but you do not have to support the woman. If your Gay, Straight, whatever you "Just Fuck". Insurance companies and medical providers will have to extend the current marriage rights to anyone living together or noted as a parent of the children.

I figure since more than 80% of people are paying spousal support and the other 20% hate their wives/husbands this plan will work. I will get the Gay vote, the divorced vote, the deadbeat vote, so remember Waffles 2016 - "Just Fuck". Peace.