Choosing to Enjoy the Journey

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Aries Horoscope Today: Your heart will point you in the right direction today and if you are smart you won’t ask questions, you will just go where it tells you to go. Relationships are under excellent stars, so tell someone you love them.

Today was a crazy day, I had to go see my doctor today to get my morphine refill – we talked for awhile, and when I headed out I went over to a local store to buy a few things, but none of that is the important stuff;

I’d have to look but I am pretty sure I’ve written about this website before. Either way it’s called “Notes From the Universe“. It is one of those self-help websites, but unlike most sites that only offer you the chance to buy tools to help you succeed for $19.95 tut actually overs real world advice for free, and has an entire community of people to lean on.

Those of you who’ve been reading FO for long period’s of time know full well that I am not much of a joiner. However I found this site via my lovely momma love, and I must admit I adore it. I love getting the Universal notes that come three to five times a week and I love even more that every time I get one, it’s exactly what I need to hear.

Very rarely do I take the time to thank the people I admire and while I occasionally let Mr. Bivona how much I appriciate his help in my writing I don’t think I’ve ever taken the time (except over twitter) to write about just how much I love this man. Continue reading →

I am not going to pretend that I am honored to have been nominated by NinjaMatics because lets get real, I nominated myself. I have learned in my life if I want anything, I am going to have to get it myself because no one is going to just say “Wow we love you enough to nominate you for an award” or “your awesome enough that we want to do something for you” because well really no one ever has before.

No one has ever stood up for me, fought for me or worked to get my attention. I have learned that I am one of those people who slips in and out of lives rarely noticed when I’m there and often forgotten before I am gone.

This is not me feeling sorry for myself it just is what it is, it is how it has always been, and probably how it will always be. Friends who have had the true blessing of being brought into my inner circle either don’t realize how important they are to me, or don’t notice that by bringing them into my aforementioned inner circle I am affirming my love of them.

With all that being said it is kind of cool that the judges thought my blog worthy enough to link to, but to be perfectly honest I don’t expect I’ll win. In fact after looking at some of the other writers nominated in the Life Category I pretty much know how it is going to go down, I’m fairly certain of who is going to win (and no this isn’t a please let me win post).

Some of you may read this and begin to think I have little to no confidence in myself, but in reality I just know what I am capable of. I know that I will go on to continue to do great things and I know that those great things will be admired but the person behind the achievement She will go ignored.

Today I was called a Trail Blazer I was told that I do things out of the ordinary and expect nothing in return, this is true. It isn’t because I am a golden heart’ed soul it is because I have lived my life with nothing. That which I have that means anything to me, my camera, my laptop and most importantly my dog are things I earned, things I worked for and continue to work for every day.

No one has ever come up to me and said “hey you there, you deserve this and we love you so here you go” and no one is ever likely to do so.

When I conceived Radio Free Voice that was for myself, it was my way of literally trying to find my voice – I did that. I achieved that goal, I said goodbye and I moved on. There have been talks of bringing it back but it’s unlikely, because it’s already been done, and done better than anyone else could have done it. My numbers proved that within the first six months.

When I came up with Skin n Bones it was two am, and I was bored and angry at the things I was seeing young kids going through, I was pissed off they thought killing themselves was a better idea then trying to find some sense of happiness. I did this, I created this and within just a few weeks there are so many people trying to tear it down and take credit for my work I have to smile to myself.

They say the sincerest form of flattery is imitation well in that case baby I am a fucking Rock Star. I’m the female Gene Simmons in the making, there is no stopping me now.

Okay maybe not quite to that extent, my purpose in life isn’t world monetary domination, its world inspiration or something. I’d like to die and look back knowing I left the world in a better condition when I came into it, I’d like to live my life knowing that people were inspired by my site, my stories and my experience.

I’d like to know that I waded through hell and that it meant something, but chances are high that is never going to happen – that’s okay, I don’t need people to tell me I inspire them. I know it every day when I look up and see how many people are joining the SnBG army. That is enough for me. To know that there are people still being kind to each other, to know that there are people who love each other regardless of race, sexual orientation, creed, religion or sex. I know this because I see it every day when I go to twitter to find inspiration. So thanks for letting me know that I have officially been added to the list of would be winners, but the truth is, I’m already a winner.

The thing about being lonely is that it does not go away unless you make the choice to fight it.

Like any demon; fear hatred hurt sadness regret suffering pain, you have to pick up your sword and find a way to fight it. The trick about these emotional demons is that they often convince you that you have no way out, no escape, that you are not strong enough to fight them.

When I think about my recovery I realize more and more that I am in a sense fighting these emotional demons who have for so long convinced me that I deserve to suffer, to be punished for crimes I have not committed.

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”

~Franklin D Roosevelt

A lot of people in my former recovery group have told me “people in recovery are sick” but they never understand how to finish the sentence. “People in recovery are sick until they realize they need to stop worrying about picking up the bottle and start learning to pick up the sword”

Everyone I know in recovery is convinced that as long as you do not pick up, you can say your sober your healthy, your cured.

It is so much deeper than that, it is so much more complex then refusing to pick up a pill or a drink, it is about focusing on what it is that makes you want to pick up – peeling back the layers and seeing the demon for what it is.

So now that you know what it is you are actually fighting, you have two choices;

You can sit on your ass, whine and cry about how much your life sucks, or alternatively you can get up and do something about it.

“If you want to be somebody,

If you want to go somewhere,

You Better Wake Up and Pay Attention”

One of the other things we learn in recovery is that if you ever want your life to be better you have to live it for others, you get out of the Universe what you put into it. If you want to have a happy healthy life, then you have to actually work to make that happen and it should not be about making money and getting through the day.

You have to find something you are passionate about that helps other people – if I’ve learned anything in the last five years this is the most important lesson I can pass on.

“Never start a project with the idea of making money,

Start it with a desire to change the world.”

I want to leave the world in better condition then when I came into it. So many of us think that way but few of us have the courage to take action to make that happen. The world is filled with people who live and who die, and do very little in between those two occasions. You can decide to be lonely for the rest of your life, or you can find something you are passionate about and see where that road takes you.

The lesson of the day isn’t about inspiring you to do something to help others, its about showing you that through helping others you can help yourself.

Today’s lesson is simple: Choose! Make a choice, and be ready to live with the consequences, because the only thing that we have in this entire world that matters, that means anything, is Freedom Of Choice, The Power of Choice

I have like many people trying to make a name for themselves, thought long and hard about spending extra money to advertise Finding Ohna. I have considered selling advertising on the site to bring in some extra cash. I have for as long as I could remember wanted to be a writer.

One thing has always stopped me however from doing either of those two things: I want my writing to stand for itself. I want people to say “wow I can’t believe I just read something so utterly poetic and amazing” I don’t want to be compared to writers of the past, I want to surpass what they have achieved.

This morning I realized something, actually I realized two things, The first is that a new friend I met only a few days ago will or would perhaps read this post and say something like “Syn, how do you expect to achieve that goal when you won’t complete your first novel?” and second I realized I am a writer. I wake up every morning and I breath, eat and sleep words. It is the last thing I think about before Mr. Bunny and the first thing I wake up thinking about in the morning.

I spend a great deal of time cursing, begging and often pleading or attempting to bribe the world of muses’ to come by my side and whisper in my ear. Sometimes they do, often they do not – and on the few occasions they do come and send me something amazing I rarely remember it the next morning.

The really amazing thing though is that today I wonder if on those occasions the muses come to me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear, perhaps they aren’t meant to see the world. Perhaps they are just for me and me alone, that makes me feel pretty special.

Over the last year Fifty Shades of shit er Gray made headlines with it’s “amazing sense of the female mind” personally it made me (and many other writers) want to throw up.

I think I got through half of the first chapter before I fell asleep. It was the first time in my life that I wanted to burn a book. (I didn’t, it ended up in the laundry room where some desperate housewife I am sure has by now grabbed it up and passed it on).

I wasn’t bothered by the bad grammar, I wasn’t even bothered by the horrible subject matter. I was bothered by the fact that if all the author has managed to do was remove the vampires. It’s fan fiction, a genre that is quickly becoming notorious for taking over the literary world.

This bothers me greatly. It seems these days it doesn’t even take talent to weave a story, so long as you can successfully transform something that has already been done to death so it is nearly un-recognizable you can self publish your book and before you know it your on the shelves.

I know I know, this is coming from someone who has never published anything worth a note, but to me I find that the pleasure comes from putting words together. I realize now I do not care if I am ever published….so long as I am always able to tell a story be it real or fiction, so long as I am able to put pen to page or finger tips to keys my dream of being a writer has come true.

It is time however, believe me I am aware of this, to challenge myself further. I am aware now that I can write, I have the ability I am even dare I say it half decent at it. To love the art of writing, to enjoy the craft of putting that pen to page is no longer good enough. I want more, I want to know if I can write something that will challenge the way a person thinks, that will inspire a young girl to want to be a writer.

I remember when I was a child, I had this vision of me sitting outside a publishers office, I was laying on my stomach holding a copy of my first published book. I have never forgotten that image, I dare say I never will.

I am destined for something in this world, I am not sure what. I know though that whatever my destiny holds it will be more then just sitting back and watching the world pass me by. I will be a part of it. I will see my name on the cover of a book one day, and when I do I will look up and smile to the heavens, knowing that at long last my muse has given me a story to tell the world…instead of a gift just for myself.

So to all of the writers, past present and future, thank you for inspiring me to want more.