Sunday, January 19, 2014

Special to
TPN — Special assistant Goober Flatus announced that New Jersey governor Chris
Christie has chosen the curse words to be used in his second inaugural speech
following the swearing-in ceremony on Tuesday, January 21. “The governor has
worked extremely hard on this speech,” said Flatus. “He received input from a
number of sources, including Dennis Rodman and Keith Richards, but in the end we
decided that George Carlin’s list was the best, although the governor might add
to it.”

Carlin’s
famous seven include s**t, p**s, f**k, c**t, c**ks****r, m****rf****r, and t**s
(as a former Christian, this reporter felt obliged to hide the actual
spellings). Unlike the governor’s marathon speech explaining Bridgegate, Flatus
assured the assembled reporters that it would take not more than one hour.

Once the
ceremony is completed, the audience will be allowed to approach Christie and
kiss his ring. The governor preferred that a different part of his anatomy be honored
but did not want the proceedings to be undignified. A Bob Marley impersonator
will sing reggae tunes during a limbo competition to be held in the front of Newark’s
New Hope Baptist Church, the site of the inauguration. Flatus said that the
governor has been practicing the limbo for months and has lowered the bar to 65
inches.

In related
news, tolls on the New Jersey Turnpike will be increased by 50 percent on Inauguration
Day to cover the day’s cost. Any surplus will be used to fund Christie’s presidential
run, once the U.S. Supreme Court lets stand a lower court order to allow this
funding source for Teapublican candidates.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Special to
TPN — Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey will be competing in the New York
City Marathon to be held on November 2, 2014. Contrary to rumor, all lanes will
be open on the Verrazano Bridge section of the course, but the center lane will
be reserved for Christie in order to accommodate his enormous girth.

Banned from
the marathon will be residents of Fort Lee, New Jersey, a community that has
been designated a terrorist cell by Christie’s security chief, Pistoffa Obesis.
It was Fort Lee that was witness to record gridlock when a Christie staffer had
approaches to the George Washington bridge closed after Fort Lee Mayor Mark
Sokolich failed to embrace either Christie or his reelection. “I tried,” said
Sokolich, “but the best I could do was hug his right leg.”

The governor
has begun a rigorous training routine centered at the state capitol, Trenton.
The starting point for his morning run is a McDonald’s parking lot on Clinton
Avenue, and the end point, a McDonald’s on Cass Street, one mile away.
Christie’s initial time was clocked in at 1 hour, 23 minutes, but he has
reduced this by a full 2 minutes over the past three months. By October, 2014,
Christie plans to complete the circuit between the two restaurants in under 2
hours, not counting a 30-minute break at the Cass Street location, “to stoke the
furnace,” in Christie’s words. “The marathon will be a piece of cake, or maybe
two pieces.”

In related
news, Teapublican darling, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, has continued his
campaign to eliminate left turns on all roadways in the United States. “True
Americans only turn right,” said Cruz. “just like it says in the Bible.”