You are now about to witness the strength of meat knowledge; A girl's online adventures through every Tongue, Dick and Erm…Hairy.

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my life

So I've gotten past my men with tattoos phase, beards and guitars don't give me tingles anymore, now I'm all about nerds and men in glasses! I think the glasses come from Xs dad who is such a DILF it's not even funny.

I've popped up a picture of me with a Pikachu filter on all my dating apps hoping to lure in the nerdy hotties. I've already had a few messages about it, so it's working! I'm a Pokémon Ho. One was a professional footballer who, and I quote, likes 'piss and shit play' I'm sorry but no one poos on the 'Chu so he was a no.

My genius plan will fall apart if anyone actually asks me anything about Pokémon, my knowledge of it ends with me looking cute in yellow ears. Other than that I don't have a Pikaclue!

Why has it become a thing (well an online dating thing!) that men think it's ok to tell you that they're wanking? I'm not talking about phone sex here because we all know I'm partial to that, but I mean after a few nice messages they then drop it into conversation. I don't need to know you're furiously knocking one out when I'm eating my breakfast thanks!

It's not sexy or going to get me in the mood (because I'm always in the mood…but anyway) it's just gross. There's a reason it's called alone time. And no I'm not helping you out either fellas….I just wanna eat my cocopops in peace!

So tonight I was chatting to an absolute hottie on Bumble, we were just getting to the sexting part when he sends me a selfie, I notice that it has a lot of…let's call it old lady tat… in the background and me being me, asks him and I quote 'what's up with the chintzy shit? Do you live with yo' nana?' He sends me back the GIF of Jonah Hill shaking his head looking disappointed. Now this is a clear indication for anyone to stop talking but no this is me remember?! So I continue with 'I hope she's deaf, because I'm loud' ( little lesson in flirting there ladies, you can even make being deaf sexy!) and I get the reply 'no she's dead' and then he unmatched me!

Now I'm wondering if I just swerved a massive Norman Bates shaped bullet because if she's dead then why is he still living in her house? Or was he just super offended by the term 'chintzy shit?' After I said that apparently not only had his nana died but his boner had as well.

Oh well much like his nanas ashes…another one bites the dust. It's shit like this which makes me think I shouldn't be allowed to talk to other human beings.

The subject of kids has come up again. I think I've just got to the age now where it's to be expected. I was chatting to a guy let's call him Christopher and we were getting along nicely on tinder so I gave him my number and his profile picture was him and a kid. I asked him and he said that it was his son and he had abuse (?!) before for it so he didn't mention him….so the opinion of random Tinderellas is more important than his 'world?' his words not mine. I told him straight that he should write it on his profile and if I'm being honest after what happened with Mr A I wouldn't have swiped him. Anyway, we made it to the phone call stage and I just didn't like him. His personality wasn't for me. He also said some really offensive things that he passed off as a joke but if they were then he just wasn't funny. So I shut down that shit. A hot face will never make up for a bad personality.

I also got a random snapchat add from The Londoner to which I replied 'oh fuck no' I do not wish to see that dickhead with a dog filter thanks!

One of the most annoying things ever online dating is on Tinder when you see a really hot guy as you swipe you're already imagining your life together, planning the wedding, naming the kids and what colour pug you want (or in my case what positions were going to be doing!) and yay he swipes back!….but then you start to message and he's dry AF and his spelling is all off.

So I'm back to having multiple fun sexy conversations and it's been good for me, even if the deeper connection isn't there yet it's still nice not to be burdened by other people's issues.

I haven't heard from Mr A, I guess it goes to show who he is that he can't even apologise for the last really shitty week. I'm still a little wounded by the fact he wasn't who he made out he was but that's online dating for you, people lie to get what they want.

Anyway, I do have a date planned for the weekend….if we manage to pull this (not him….yet!) off then it will be a very long time coming…..3 years in fact! I ll keep you posted!

X knows what I've been through (he literally knows everything!) and today he brought me a present, a little plaque that said 'never let anyone dull your sparkle' and then said 'always be yourself because people will love you the way you are' well that literally made me break down!

I guess when it comes to dating, I've never really been myself. I'm pretty eccentric to say the least so showing that to someone is scary.

Anyway I was massively touched by Xs thoughtful present, he made me realise even more that I was right to stop things with Mr A. However much I sometimes don't believe it, I do deserve to be treated nicely.