Observations, humor and life all tied up with a pretty bow.

Category Archives: Yes, I’m twisted..

I am putting up the warning with this post. This is NOT a clean blog… I talk about sex, I use 4 letter words, and I speak off color. If this offends you.. PLEASE do not read further…. And do not say I never warned you…

Anyone still reading?? Yup.. I see you… and I KNEW you would still be here….

This is the story about Click Click my neighbor. Click click used to live in the apartment right next door. The tenant who replaced her is the one with the 5 boys.. No, I never miss my last neighbor.

Click Click was a quiet sort. She had a son who suffered from “I’m an ass hole don’t look at me” syndrome… and he would smoke the whacky tabacky on a daily basis… I knew because his room is adjacent to mine… we share a wall… and I could SMELL it….. every… single.. day… But this is not about AH (short for ass-hole), this is about his stellar mom Click Click.

Now, Click Click was a throw back to the 60s..Long hair past her ass… hippie style cloths.. heavy into social style “pharmaceuticals” and had a portable breath analyzer in her car (court ordered) that she had to blow into for the car to start. Mother to 6 kids, oldest and youngest living with her.. youngest was my youngest’s age, same class and all.

I first learned about click clicks extra curricular activities one day when my son came home from hanging out with the girl next door and said.. “Mom, what is a dancer pole used for?” Now, HOW does one answer an 9 year old boy when asked this? Exercise son.. exercise. Pauses… WHY do you want to know son? Well, C’s mother has one in her bedroom… and a bunch of cameras and these umbrella things…

ME: Coughs… OH??? and why were you up in her room son? C was showing me how she does this dance thing she saw her mom do… Coughs… Well, I don’t think it’s really a great idea for you to be going up in her room.. that’s not nice.. OK mom.. I’m going out to see J across the street…. Ok son.. have fun…

Cameras? Umbrellas? A FREAKIN POLE?? WHAT is she doing up there??

4 days later my question is answered….. J’s mother comes over with my youngest and her son in tow…. apparently they can see my neighbors bedroom from J’s bedroom across the street………… What are we going to do about it? WELL… we go next door and knock… and knock… and knock…. and finally click click comes to the door… in a see-threw robe… I’M WORKING WTF DO YOU WANT?

We want you to close your blinds! While my son and J are standing behind us, gaping at her in her see-through what ever it was she was wearing… Ok son… J.. run along and ride your bikes…

She had business cards…a website… I kid you not…..

She also put new blinds up so the kids wouldn’t see in her room again….

Her webpage is gone… but if you ever stumble on the web cam for “Bunny Foo Foo” beware… she likes beer cans and ummm.. other weird stuff…

Dr: *rolling his eyes because he can see what’s coming* It’s a yeast infection.. here is an RX for it and the UTI.

ME: WTF is a yeast infection and how did I get one on my hoo-haa.? And a UT what?

Dr: (explains what a yeast infection is) smirking as he refers to my vagina as a hoo-haa…

ME: (being intentionally dense) But I don’t eat bread since the surgery…..

Dr: No, you get it from tight jeans, nylon panties (Lists a whole SLEW of things I’m doing now)

ME: There is yeast in jeans and nylon?

Dr: Coughs and says do you have any other questions?

ME: Hot baths? HOW does that cause infections?

Dr: It’s what you put IN the bath that causes them.

ME: So water causes them?

Dr: No, bath oils/salts/soaps etc..

ME: Water, yeast, oil, salt.. you sure we aren’t making bread? Not sure I should take baths.. I am eating low carbs you know…

Dr: You never let me down Ms. Mello. Have a good day.

ME: You too dr.

Damn good thing I didn’t bring up the fact that he was the closest thing I had to getting lucky in TOO long…

But I digress….

There are things that doctors and support groups don’t tell you about…. that former fat girls have to learn all on their own.

And apparently some of them have to do with our hoo-haa.

If you aren’t a former fat girl, you may not realize that things are much different for them. For instance, jeans. Fat girl jeans, even expensive jeans have a single flaw: they never fit right.

EVER.

If they fit in the waist, they don’t fit in the ass. If they fit in the ass, the crotch is down around the middle of the thigh. That is how my jeans ALWAYS fit.. crotch was never where it belonged. Skinny girl jeans fit better. The crotch is right at the crotch.. accentuate the ass, and are tighter through the thigh area.

Yeah, the thigh area… Thigh gaps are considered sexy to some men (and women) but fat girls don’t have them. Excess thigh material is normal to a fat girl. It prevents the hoo-haa from actually.. umm… well….It kind of tucks up the…. umm… well.. I will let you think on that for yourself for a moment… You’re intelligent, you can figure it out…

I’ll go make a coffee… be right back………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I’m back… You figure it out? Good. I didn’t want to have to explain that kind of thing to you…

Anyways….

Big girls can’t do the whole front to back thing either. Don’t ask why… they just can’t. And it sucks. And it’s embarrassing. And it makes the little, itty, bitty stalls they have in rest rooms impossible to move around in. TMI? Probably… but it’s a true thing.

Then it’s the whole bra and panty don’t match issue. Fat girls can’t have pretty undies. Our bras never have matching panties.. So most of us would shoot for “almost matching”.. but I used to give up and wore granny ones.. briefs… cotton.. plain…white… blah…. apparently perfect for my hoo-haa… but not so sexy in a pile with the rest of my cloths on the floor…

NOW, as an “almost skinny” girl, I have jeans that fit… and decided to get panties that matched my new bras… Victoria’s Secret ones no less.. you know, the kind that WILL look impressive as they get flung across the room by an eager partner (who ever that may eventually be….) Nylon.. no more granny undies for me! I’m going to be sexy! Stylish! Feminine! BUT the hoo-haa.. not giving the girl a chance to breath.. (is that what a clitoris is?? A nose to breath from? I forget….) The hoo-haa doesn’t like nylon…

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Yeah, I’ve been single a while… perhaps too long for my own good (or the good of the next man I happen to get naked in bed.. I may break him)

So, I’ve recently started dating again. This is a small collection of some things I’ve encountered on some dating profiles lately. Not really funny, just things I’ve encountered…

The “I have a penis pic” guy, who thinks that sending me a photo of his “member” is a GOOD opening. Funny, most of them are SMALL… tooooo small to be fun!

The “HI” message. One word, that’s it.. my all time favorite was HY.. yes, with a Y…

The “blank” profile. Why go through 9000 attempt to find a username that isn’t taken to not bother to actually FILL in the thing?

The “weird” dude…. “I would drag my dick through broken glass to see you” Can we say BLOCK?

The “You don’t know my name yet but here is my number, call me so we can have phone sex” Yeah, no. There are 900 numbers you can call for that. 99 cents a minute, what a deal!

The WTF guy… “Can you send me a picture of your teeth and feet? I love teeth and feet.”

The “Too Much Too Fast” guy…. First email: “I love you.”

The “I don’t know what to call him” guy: “You said you were 48. You look 38. I’d like to give you 8 inches!”

The “Lets just put it all out there guy” Second email.. Mind you, I don’t know his name yet… “Do you like to be choked during sex?”

The guy I’m not interested in and just ignore, you then starts a conversation with himself, which continues over the course of 5 days (so far). No, I haven’t blocked him, his talking to himself is entertaining.

And only today I received this one: Hey there, pretty lady. What should we order for breakfast the morning after our date?