Worst Week Ever!: June 19-25

America has devolved into the kind of place
where you can’t even plan a wedding featuring all black waiters to give
it an old-timey plantation feel or use the N-word without the PC Police
clapping the sirens to the top of their sedans and coming for you. The
Food Network today canned Paula Deen after court depositions revealed
that she had used hate language before but had totally understandable
reasons for doing so, according to Paula Deen. Fans around the world are
upset by how the media has demonized casual racism in the workplace,
but they aren’t the only ones mourning the fallout from this scandal.
Members of the scientific community have also been deeply saddened by
the realization that they will now never know how long it would take all
the people who watch the celebrity chef’s shows to die from illnesses
related to adding sticks of butter into simple recipes as if they were
pinches of salt.

THURSDAY JUNE 20Many lessons can be learned about urban
renewal initiatives when local communities collaborate and solicit each
other’s feedback. Business leaders from Covington today collaborated
with the Uptown Consortium board, which is a nonprofit urban
redevelopment organization that has guided this process in several
Cincinnati neighborhoods, including Short Vine in Corryville. During
their time together, ideas to increase foot traffic and the vitality of
the business district were discussed. A follow-up meeting has been
scheduled for next week, at which several Short Vine All-Stars will give
pointers on how to best replicate “gutter punk” style while begging for
change near Bogart’s during the day and then catching the last bus of
the day back to their parents in Anderson at night.

FRIDAY JUNE 21Cincinnati-based Kroger is always
investigating ways in which the customer experience at its stores can be
enhanced or streamlined.

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A commendable example of this business
practice is the drastic reduction in checkout lane time, which has
plummeted from four minutes just a few years ago to only 26 seconds now.
What makes this accomplishment more impressive is that despite the
grocery chain’s commitment to speeding up the store visit experience,
they will still take the time to individually bag every single item you
purchase.

SATURDAY JUNE 22The new Superman movie, Man of Steel,
has already earned more than $210 million in North America and nearly
$400 million worldwide. The film, which portrays the character’s origin,
has been well received by critics across the globe. Some attribute the
film’s warm reception to the incredible special effects and the dramatic
score which accompanies it. Others point out that unlike the first
Superman movie, Man of Steel doesn’t have any scenes in a cornfield featuring a naked boy, which was awkward for viewers of all ages.

SUNDAY JUNE 23Things don’t always end well for Italian
leaders. Silvio Berlusconi has been given a seven-year sentence and will
be banned from holding public office for the rest of his life for his
role in a prostitution scandal. Berlusconi insists he is innocent, and
would like to ask the world how any practice with a name like “bunga
bunga” could be bad.

MONDAY JUNE 24Celebrated local jackass Bill Cunningham is
in hot water for recent actions on the set of the internationally
renowned intellectual think tank that is Sean Hannity’s Fox News show.
After referring to the president by his full name (even the part that
proves he’s not American) and calling Democrat Tamara Holder “one of the
stooges on the left,” Cunningham started pointing his finger in her
face. When Holder pointed out that this is not acceptable, he responded
by telling her to “shut up” and “know your role.” Outrage over this
sexist remark has spread quickly, but Fox News has asked their viewers
to look past what Cunningham said and focus instead on how much he has
matured since he used to make parody songs about black people killed by
Cincinnati police officers.

TUESDAY JUNE 25An Ohio man’s recent trip to Michigan
probably won’t be featured on any of The Wolverine State’s tourism ads
in the near future. The 41-year old’s visit took a turn for the worse
after he took some mushrooms and was found trespassing inside Ypsilanti
Middle School. Responding officers noted that the man had ripped part of
his penis off and was unable to communicate with them. A police
spokesperson said the events leading up to this tragedy are unclear but
hypothesized that maybe the guy’s friends told him while he was tripping
that he had to either watch a bunch of Phish DVDs or break into a
school and rip his own dick off.