Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Ooh! The ol' double bluff!

Somewhere along the line in my relentless search for a teaching job, one of the countless websites I was forced to join got me involved in a deluge of Nigerian spam email. If you've been on the internet for even a few years, you've come to see the Nigerian spam emails as web classics, comedic gems hand-crafted by barely literate scam artists more likely to be located in Bayonne than Nigeria. Though I've seen countless emails claiming I'd won millions of dollars from a freshly dead African prince, I had never seen an email claiming to be from the Nigerian authorities investigating these frauds. What a wonderful step in the evolution of spam. Here's the letter in full (all errors left in for the lulz):

Dear Sir/Madam,

LETTER OF COMPENSATION/SETTLEMENT.

We hereby inform you that out of our records for the year investigation it is drawn to us that youhave been victimized by the men of underworld(Pretenders/impostors). However,the management hasbeen dutifully empowered by the Investigation bureau office of the President andCommander-in-chief of the Armed Forces of Federal Republic of Nigeria to curb all illicittransaction and workload of this perpetrators.

In line with the Anti-corruption crusade of the Presidency, President Goodluck Jonathan (GCFR)youare by this Email notification to stop any contact regarding this illegal transaction with thisHoodlums.Out of our findings, the image of this country has been dented Internationally during thepast administration of the Federal Government of Nigeria.Presently,we have employed a strategy toremit sanity,and vow to terminate the activity of this fraudsters,by consolidating our securityNetwork all over the country in view to monitor all outgoing and incoming communication to enableus fish out and avert all illegal and suspicious transaction both domestically and internationallyrespectively.

Moreover,it occur that some of our Financial Institutions(Bank) serve as a condit pipe by whichthis fraudsters use to perpetrate the undo crime.We have signal all these financial institutionsto implement scrutinized investigation before carrying any transaction.Any bank found culpable ofbreaching the law,must have their operational license revoke.

In accordance with the criminal and other related offense act 25 of 1999 constitution, we havebeen officially compel by Senator. A. Aminu(JP), Chairman, Senate committee on Foreign Affair tomapped out billions of Dollars from the Annual Budget to compensate all defrauded victims as partof the ongoing National Reform Scheme of the presidency and means to radiate immunity forcriticism.

In view of this,we have been informed that you are still dealing with those hoodlums in all yourattempts to secure the release of your fund.We wish to advise you that such an illegal act has tostop if you wish to receive your payment since we have decided to bring a solution to yourproblem. Do be informed that we reserve the right at our discretion to sue you for damage onrecognition of further contact with this people.

By the strength of this development the sum of US$5.Million United States Dollars(USD$5,000,000.00) has been SIGNED to each beneficiaries to be paid . This Memorandum is to notifyyou that you will be settled with the sum of US$5.Million United States Dollars(USD$5,000,000.00)/ your Inheritance /contract or lotto payment.

These above-mentioned informations will officially enable us to carry out our verificationprocesses and after that your compensation sum/Inheritance Funds will be approved in your name andElectronically wired into your designated Bank account or by ATM Card delivery to your doorstep.,depending on which mode of payment you prefer.

You are to contact this office upon receipt of this notification immediately to proceed for payment.