Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I am looking for a primary relationship. Even more than a romantic relationship, I want a primary relationship. I mean the kind of relationship where I know a certain person is my main person, and I am their main person. I don't think that on an unconscious level I've cared if that is a best friend, a lover, or a mother.

I think the main appealing thing about a marriage to me is that it is the one socially sanctioned and publicly celebrated primary relationship. I don't think that I have ever had a relationship where I was the primary person in someone's life who was also the primary person in my life. Even though it is customary for that relationship to be marriage, I don't think I really care how that relationship looks as long as I have it. Although rolling lover, father of my children, life partner, and primary relationship all in one person does seem to be convenient.

Do you have a primary relationship in your life?Is that kind of relationship even important to you?Who is it? Is it your best friend? Spouse?Is it God?Are you the primary person for them as well?How do you deal with not having a primary relationship, or, if you have one, is it all it's cracked up to be?

Sunday, February 26, 2006

[First paragraph of post just deleted. Grumble grumble. Have to write it again. Grumble grumble.]

Well, as I was saying, 'twas late at night/early in the morning, and I was watching Roseanne on Nick at night. It was the one where they win a bunch of money, so I switched the channel pretty quickly, plus they had the new Becky (hey, is the new Becky that actress on Scrubs?) but not before I heard Leon toast the couple thusly: "If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

I have never heard that quote before and then I go to the Quotations Page (a story for another day) and it is one of the quotations of the day! What do you think about that? Just coincidence, or is someone trying to tell me that I am destined to be rich no matter how far I take this eat-whatever-I-want-to and watch-lots-of-TV thing?

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Yay! I have another number one search term, it is "yes please" on yahoo search. That used to be the name of my blog. The person who clicked through must have been so confused. I wonder what they were searching for?

Ok, I just had to check "Braidwood" is number one on yahoo search too! Yay Yahoo! :)

(Jo, I know that I was number one for that search term from clicking through to the search page. It showed up in my statistics on statcounter. You can use it for free. It's fun, but can be addictive.)

Do you ever just feel so much compassion for people and our plight as humans? Me too. It's a good thing we have movies to distract us! And TV, lots of TV! I'm writing tongue in cheek, but also being serious. So many people, (including me!) do things that I don't approve of, like spend hours watching TV, but sometimes I just look at all of us and think, "whatever gets you through the night." All I ask is that you take the Buddhist and medical oath approach and first do no harm. At their best, movies can serve as modern day sit-around-the-campfire stories that make life less raw and a little less scary by giving us all a pattern to observe and a connection to each other.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

There's a rumor of rain in the airThe trees are whispering loudly to each other about the coming news high above the street lampsThe wind is reminding this tame landThat it has wild cousinsAnd long ago came from the same wild stock

While the people are sleeping, or go about their business insideUnaware, like middle aged folk,The houses want to lean forward, like old people with a silent, expectant twinkle in their eyes.It's a quiet night, but the windchimes hint at magic

Once there was a girl with no mother, who was born out of her father's head.She was intimate with the play of air across her cheeksAnd though she was keptAnd had the trappings of civilityStorms called her outside.She raised her face to the skyShe flung her arms out feeling the windShe held her body still, mouth open, eyes wide, breathingCalled, she would slip from her house in the night without a thoughtShe knows what it feels like to run in the dark, arms out wide flying through the airbarefeet slapping on the sidewalk.

A woman steps out of her car surprisedSomething in the air reminds her of something long agoShe pauses, one half of her face tilted toward the sky, straining to hear.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Monday, February 13, 2006

Wouldn't it be awful to have a "dead friend" meme? But I have been inspired again by Laura, and I can't help it. Now I want to write about all my deaths. Maybe it will quiet some of the winds of sorrow and grief that sometimes blow across my chest.

Adam, what first memories do I have that aren't the pictures? The first picture, does it count? Is the picture of our moms face down at the beach. Only their beautiful young bodies were showing, while their large pregnant bellies were hidden in turtle holes in the sand. The story goes that my mom came to visit Sharon after having me, and Adam, who should have been born first, decided that he wanted to come out into the world too. Our moms met in a pre-natal class and he was born exactly two weeks after me. We both came into the world in beautiful mountain country, and then my mom moved, and a few cute baby pictures could have been the end of the story, but they aren't.

Adam, carried along as babies are by fate (ie their parents), moved several states away from where he was born to the state I was being raised in. There we were, two toddlers separated at birth, together again. Again, the pictures. His wide smiling face and my thin concerned face. We sit at the beach together, two fat lumps of bundled babies. Our moms take turns sitting with us on Sharon's front porch. We eat popsicles. We clumsily lean our faces together in a baby kiss in front of one of our birthday cakes. We take baths together. (This is what our mothers gleefully tell us when we are older.)

The first real memory? I remember being in the kitchen with him in their house when we are about 6. I remember assuming that we would one day marry when he became taller than me. He was so cute and all the girls had crushes on him, as his mother proudly told me and he smilingly and with a shrug admitted. I was amazed by his Star Wars collection of toys. He was an only child and was given heaps of toys. Although some of my memories are hazy, I vividly remember his star wars action figures and most of all his Star Wars ships. Those were so cool. The rule was, he could have as many toys as he wanted as long as he didn't break them and took very good care of them. He told me this seriously and I was awed by the concept and by his parent's seriousness about his toys.

My favorite pictures of Adam and I are of us dancing at my mom's second wedding. We are two years old. His face has his usual baby expression, a happy-go-lucky dimple faced, wide cheeked good natured smile. He is wearing a green checkered jacket. I am wearing a long red velvet dress with a white lace pinafore over it. We are holding hands and the bottom of my dress is swirling out around me. My face is turned up and the expression on my face is one of pure joyful delight. Grown-up's legs mix with darkness and lights in the blur behind us.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Community with the real ability to be meCome together on a Sunday morning.

I avoid GodBut find human loveAnd find it is vast and warmLike the sun on a lazy sailing on the ocean dayWe shall overcomeSing it sister.And I sigh and roll my eyes at all the meetings I chair and co-chair.I am realizing the grown up blessing of contribution and giving to something larger than myselfThe Dhali Lama was right after allAnd I'm proud that here I amI made this choiceAnother sign of ageWhen my life is more about what I've decided than the hand of cards I was dealtI saw what I made and it was good.

Feeling my feet on the ground. I made this. I choose this.And the earth is finally round and small enough for me to see my way clearTo take my next stepThe crest of the horizon just visible ahead.My feet are strong and sure even when the wind of disappointment and sadness blow across my heart.I come home energized and tiredA day full of letting myself feel and be real,

We gave money to the people of New Orleans todayI honor our open minds, loving hearts, welcoming handsAnd my willingfeet.

In the United States, major dental work can be financially ruinous. Without belaboring the lively political topic of why this is, I am here to report that it is possible for a US resident to save 75% or more on major dental work by the simple expedient of having it done in Mexico.

This site is dope! And I should know because I am like, something percent native American.

We are well-liked by Black people so we're psyched (since lots of Black people don't like lots of White people)!! We thought it'd be cool to honor our exceptional status with a ROCKIN' domain name and a killer website!!

Me without Tivo means me watching wayyy too much T.V, but that is a post about functionality and human performance for another time.

Me watching wayy too much T.V. means my brain getting affected by the not too subliminal messages they are sending my way. I felt myself wanting to look a certain way tonight- even dye my hair. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but after living without thinking anything is wrong with me, I recognize the "I've got to fix myself" restlessness.

The foundation of the tour was the Dove Real Beauty Photo Exhibit, where nationally recognized female photographers were asked to share images that they felt defined real beauty.

Check it out. My guess is that you are beautiful too, or at least interesting and fun to look at. Seriously, if you take what you have and enjoy it, you can still revel in yourself, even if you are not what you originally dreamed. I'm keeping my hair.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

I feel a little sytmied in my job search right now. I have mailed out lots of resumes and cover letters. I have written to my contacts and asked them for leads and advice. Hmmm. My mailbox is empty, I have no new phone messages. Does this mean I actually have to start calling people now? I'm all revved up and ready for action and not sure what to do next. But at least the music is good! (Thanks to Pandora and a new independant radio station in my town.) Here is my list of my favorite songs from Pandora:

Gone For GoodThe Shins...Closer To You Radio

Gillian (Live) The Waifs...Closer To You Radio

Bird On The WindMia And Jonah...Closer To You Radio

SmileMia And Jonah...Closer To You Radio

Gone For Good (Alternate Version) Shins ....Closer To You Radio

Get Out The MapIndigo Girls...Closer To You Radio

What If No One's WatchingAni Difranco...Closer To You Radio

Space Age Mom Damien Jurado....Love Will Come To You Radio

CoalminerMia And Jonah....Love Will Come To You Radio

Your ScarsCharlemagne....Love Will Come To You Radio

Black SupermanJude....Love Will Come To You Radio

TroubleElliott Smith....Love Will Come To You Radio

Prince Of DarknessIndigo Girls .....Love Will Come To You Radio

Become You Indigo Girls ....Love Will Come To You Radio

The GeneralDispatch .....Love Will Come To You Radio

2:45 AMElliott Smith....Love Will Come To You Radio

Bird On The WindMia And Jonah....Love Will Come To You Radio

What Can I SayBrandi Carlile .....Love Will Come To You Radio

Rose ParadeElliott Smith....Love Will Come To You Radio

Love Will Come To YouIndigo Girls....Ani Difranco Radio

Closer To YouBrandi Carlile....Ani Difranco Radio

Shelter Me (Live)The Waifs .....Ani Difranco Radio

FirefliesFirecracker....Ani Difranco Radio

One MonkeyGillian Welch....Ani Difranco Radio

Easy On MeJeff Black ....Ani Difranco Radio

Bird On The WindMia And Jonah....Indigo Girls Radio

Everything I WantedJonatha Brooke....Indigo Girls Radio

Out Loud Dispatch ....Indigo Girls Radio

Abilene The Great Unknowns....Indigo Girls Radio

Turned My BackTheresa Sokyrka....Indigo Girls Radio

Cemetery GatesThe Smiths.....Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio

The Whole Of The Law The Only Ones.....Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio

Hold On To Your FriendsMorrissey.....Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio

Half A PersonThe Smiths .....Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio

I Want You Around (Ed Stasium Mix) Ramones .....Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio

EventuallyBrendan Benson.....Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio

Shake off this sadness, and recover your spirit;sluggish you will never see the wheel of fatethat brushes your heel as it turns going by,the woman who wants to live is the woman in whom life is abundant.

Now you are only giving food to that final painwhich is slowly winding you in the nets of death, but to live is to work, and the only thing which lastsis the work; start then, turn to the work.

Throw yourself like seed as you walk, and into your own field,don't turn your face for that would be to turn it to death,and do not let the past weigh down your motion.

Leave what's alive in the furrow, what's dead in yourself,for life does not move in the same way as a group of clouds,from your work you will be able one day to gather yourself.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

There's a syndrome, I don't know if you've heard of it, called Little Raggedy Kid Syndrome (LRKS). You may even know someone who has it. The symptoms appear more often in the young. LRKS sufferers are the little kids in your neighborhood whose parents leave them to fend for themselves. The kid usually has a runny nose and sneezes all the time (kind of like a feral cat). They will push themselves in where they are not welcome, out of necessity. At neighborhood events, they will eat more than their share of food and will always stay for dinner if asked. They might even wrangle themselves a reluctantly given invitation. There aren't many options for those with LRKS. In severe cases, they will even try and get more hugs than they have coming to them by being inappropriately affectionate.

You can grow out of the syndrome, but it still hasn't been determined if you can actually be cured. Although LRKS doesn't usually affect adults as severely, some of the tell signs of a relapse include: always being the person to initiate hugs, calls, and visits; asking people for food and letting people pay for food; and always being the last person to leave the party. A cure may be a ways off, but viable treatments include earning enough money to buy food at restaurants, paying for massages, and most of all, accepting that you are too old to ever find the having-parents-take-care-of-you situation. Alternative treatments have been proposed, but as yet have no clinical data to back them up, they include: asking people for help with no expectations; not asking for help from people more needy than you; taking care of yourself as if you were your own good parent; and sitting in the lotus position with your hands held in a gesture of surrender.

There are always rumors of a possible cure, but the ingredients are so rare as to be untenable for most sufferers. The proposed cure includes many of the above treatments with the addition of a loving, open, affectionate community, plentiful food, and several years of being held and kissed every night by somebody who really loves you.

It's Super Bowl Sunday and I haven't even seen one good commercial, but I did turn on the TV in deference to our national pastime. Seduced by the unlikely image of a woman dressed up like a Peacock, I left some Opera singing on. It turns out that it was a re-run of a show by conductor Andre Rieu called The Flying Dutchman.

At one point in the show Andre tells the audience that last year someone at a party introduced him to their two year old son and that his ambition is to be on stage with Andre. Andre then tells the audience that the little boy is here. Akim, a tiny three year old with a beautiful smile and a sweet face, comes out on stage in a nice tux with his violin and looks up at Andre, taking his hand. He plays a song with the orchestra accompanying him quietly in the background. I started crying. I found it amazingly sweet and touching and it was clear that the audience did too.

I wonder why we had such an emotional reaction. People in the audience were crying, wiping their eyes open mouthed, and then laughing that type of laugh that comes out when you are crying happily. I wished I had Tivo and could save it and show it to people. Since I'm without Tivo, I rushed online to tell you all about it.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. " "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden." "So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."

So, my friend, why not take a while to just simply RELAX. Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while. Life is short. Enjoy it!

Then the email listed ways you can "put down the burden:"

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today....

...I did.

Resting in between working, sprint-like instead of marathon-like, is what helped me change a long held procrastination pattern I had. Today I rested by going to the dog park to get my cuteness fix. I like to have regularly scheduled rejuvination in my week, like church and lunch with my friends. When I wake up I write in my morning pages. What are some things you do to make clean transitions between work and make sure you aren't holding the glass for too long?

Friday, February 03, 2006

While Microsoft (Research) has been pushing its Tablet PC operating system for a while, Apple (Research) has stayed away from the market -- so far. But there are increasing signs that Apple has a tablet computer on the drawing board. Engadget has uncovered an Apple patent filing for a tablet version of the Mac, showing an interface something like the touch-sensitive click-wheel found on the iPod.

Hmmm.. after reading Engadget, I'm not as excited. The potential patent could be for a variety of things. Sigh... I want a mac tablet. By the way, don't you love that CNN is getting their info from a blog?

Thursday, February 02, 2006

I'm loving reading my small list of regular blogs lately. I stopped looking at my stats and I feel much about blogging now. I just check in with my blogs and it feels like checking in with friends. (It literally is for several of the blogs.) I like to hear how everyone's life is going. If you haven't read Blaugustine lately, or ever, check it out. Natalie is telling about her life while showing paintings along the way. It's like reading a moving novel. I wish the people in my family would do that. Oh, you know what it's like? It's like reading a novel in installments. There used to be cheesy novels published a chapter a week in our local newspaper. My friend and I could hardly wait every week to read those chapters. Maybe I will do what Natalie is doing someday.

Tonight I went to a wine tasting. It was a single's event and there were more people I knew there than I was expecting. I don't drink wine, (or milk, or orange juice or soda pop...) but that only came up a few times. I didn't realize it would be a singles event for some reason. Anyway, I got a woman's number, which is becoming a habit at theses things. I think she might hook up with one of my guy friends which would be really cool. She has a guy in another town she wants to set me up with. She said he is the kindest person she knows and everything about him sounded great until she said that he is "interesting" looking. That could be really bad. I can be attracted to a wide range of types, but they need to at least fall somewhere in the range of normal. So far, anyway.

An acquaintance that I saw there, who I heard has a crush on me, gave me some advice. He told me that I should get any kind of job I can while I'm looking for a job. That way I will really be able to interview employers and see if they are a good fit for me during the interviews. Making sure employers fit me is the same advice that Andrea gave me and I think it's a good idea. I thought I would have to leave this town in a month if I didn't get a job, but I don't want to leave! So maybe I will just try and find a temp job. Another guy said that is how he got his job at a University I just applied to. He got work as a temp and then they just hired him! I know the same person who he knew who helped him get the temp job, so maybe that will work for me too.

In good employment news: I just got an email from a science group who want me to do some work for them. Yay! So, there will be a little more money coming in this month. That is a good thing. I feel comfortable where I live and I have had a social engagement every night this week and have something for the rest of the week. I like having something fun to do every night. It gives rhythm to these days that could otherwise stretch into boundaryless job searching.