pep talk or help or thoughts?

So I come home each night to a sad person. Sometimes she's happy, but making negative comments, sometimes (ocasionally she's actually happy)... but mostly discontented and difficult for me to follow... intellectually... I don't get enough info from her to follow her train of thought... anyway, back to my main point.

Tonight I come home after an emotionally draining day of trying to communicate via email/ text while doing my job... we try to work things out in writing as it tends to be less emotionally charged... and I'm greeted @ the door with a rushing, haggered, sad person who's about to be late again for the 5 minute drive to get our daughter from aftercare... no smile, no happy to see you... not even an acknowledgement that once again, as always she's injecting stress into our lives by being late to the daycare nazis who make my life hell with late fees, complaints, penalties (& veiled threats of throwing our kid outta the program)... I recognize the situation after crossing the threshold (got home quick w/no traffic for some reason) and turn around to run back to the car (if I let her go, she'll be late) race to get the rugrat and come home... she again greets me with saddness and despair. I'm just so stinking tired...

I'm thinking "is she sad to see me?" Is it me? Is she still thinking about the other man that she "gave up" in order to save our marriage? Is she just ill? She is struggling with other yet to be diasgnosed health issues (and has been for so so so long now... but she is seeing drs now)? Is it our recent fight? I tried to reassure her and tell her i'd write her back when I had time... . What did I do now?

I feel like I'm always on eggshells... she seems so angry... so sad... and to my mind so self indulgent.

There's so much going on in our house... I just feel so sad coming home to her sometimes.

I dunno if there's enough here for any real commentary... but maybe just some words of encouragement.

We've been together for a few yrs... things have been rocky... her recent add diagnosis... and other health issues have seemingly added to (if not caused) a lot of angst.

My own mental health could use a tuneup... anger, passivity, conflict avoidance, recovering hypervigilant border narcicist... general all around good guy, right?

Her baggage seems a bit more over stuffed than mine... but who am I to say?

Tonight however... I just want to hide from the kids, make her do the child care for a change... curl up and cry myself to sleep... not a good day.

Comments

It is so sad to know that the world is full of these sad situations. Man, I don't know that I've ever read a post on here that made me just .. so..sad.

I am the non-ADHDer, my husband has ADHD. I cannot stress enough how beneficial finding someone who specializes in ADD is...not just someone who can prescribe her meds and send her on her way for another month. Meds are not the 'cure'. They might help with some issues, but therapy is a very important aspect of treatment too. We've all felt like you do at one point or another, some still do. Most likely she seems 'sad' to you because she is. She is probably overwhelmed with the new diagnosis, on top of that the guilt and shame she probably feels for managing her time so poorly that she can't get to daycare to pick up your child on time. Learn all you can about ADD, get Melissa's (Orlov) book The ADHD Effect on Marriages for some real, down to Earth ways to deal with the effect is has on your marriage. You have come to the right place, you are not alone.

Seriously, you are NOT ALONE. I am hoping you were feeling extra down tonight because being this sad all the time is a daunting task. You
MUST fine a support system- dont hide this and try this on your own. It's too much. Seek counseling for yourself. And read about us... You are not alone.

She may be feeling overwhelmed between the ADD diagnosis, you indicate other health problems as well. She may be sinking into a depressive state and not even know what to do about it herself. Along with her diagnosis, was there any follow-up for coping mechanisms, counseling? It sounds like she may need outside help dealing with the health issues. It is NOT uncommon for people with ADD to have other issues as well, and for people with health issues to have depression, or at least one or two sever depressive episodes.

And even if she won't go, that doesn't mean you shouldn't. As caretaker, you have a lot on your plate and sometimes couples "feed off" each other with depression and anger and other difficult emotions. You think "why should I keep trying when they're not?" and then they think "see, he's given up so it just shows I am right to wallow in all this" In my house, my dh is the one with ADHD, and I am the one with depression, and I have been seeing a counselor for years, but have only just convinced him he needs to come, at least as a couple, because he feeds a lot of my issues and we need to learn to work it out together. Like you, I prefer conflict avoidance, but that is just throwing dirt into the wound to cover it, so it will fester and eventually be much worse than the original conflict. Sometimes you just need a neutral third party to start you thinking differently. And especially with kids involved, you owe it to yourself to try. You don't say how old they are, but check in with them on an age appropriate level, you'd be surprised how much kids pick up, at least in the "vibes" in the house.

Doesn't make either of you bad people, just people in a bad situation.