Epic Fail: Fighting Games

In honor of the release of Super Smash Bro. Brawl, we decided to cover Fighting Games in this week's Epic Fail. So play nice kids, it's all fun and games until someone starts crying.

Smackdown vs. Raw 2006~PS2~

I owned this game for less than a single day when it came out back in 2005. Being a wrestling fan, and a wrestling game fan, I was expecting something great from this, especially given the trailers and the graphics. Boy, was I wrong.

The controls were awful. Simply awful. It was impossible to figure out how to play the game, even after reading the manual, and the flow of the game was really bad as well. Matches dragged on for minutes on end, without any way to pin your opponent, the gameplay was really awful, and, in the end, only the intros turned out to look good. In short, this is one epic fail of a fighting game.

-- Mike DAlonzo

Mortal Kombat~SNES~

The blood was replaced with grey sweat and the good fatalities were removed or toned down to fit Nintendo's archaic patriarchal standards for content. In light of what Nintendo has in their games now (re: No More Heroes, Resident Evil 4,) and the fact that it made the game about 1000 X less fun to know my stupid neighbor was getting the better game because he had the inferior system makes this fail superbly epic.

--Ty Colfax

Dark Presence~Arcade~

Okay, we haven’t actually played arcade game Dark Presence —it’s not out yet—but, judging from the screenshots and website, we’re going to call “Fail” anyway. The arcade cabinet game features digitized versions of the kids who play D&D at lunch in cheap Halloween costumes “fighting” each other. There aren’t any videos available as of yet, sadly, but the screenshots… oh, the screenshots.

Two innovative features of the game: The Shock Band: “a bracelet worn by the player where if a finishing move is done, the loser receives a small totally controlled and harmless shock” and a prize drawer: “If you are first in your arcade to finish the game you receive a prize relating to that character you won with, on the spot!”

We applaud the brass balls it takes to create an indie game with (most likely) very little money, but we have to question the wisdom of choosing a fully animated, rotoscoped fighting game to be released in arcades as your first project. We think the fail-cannon is being loaded and prepared to fire right now, but, hey, we’re ready to be wrong.

We want to be wrong. We'd love it if this game comes out and makes us look like fools for doubting its awesomeness. If Dark Presence comes out, and is awesome, we will offer developers Galloping Ghost a heartfelt apology, a 20-sided die and a large pizza.

-- Stephen Johnson

Street Fighter~Arcade~

Now, we all agree that Street Fighter II was, and still is, one of the greatest games ever made. Because of that fact, people often forget that the first installment in the series was utter crap. Many of you may be too young to remember this arcade cabinet, so I'll do my best to describe it for you. First, you couldn't choose between multiple characters to play with. If you were Player 1 you were Ryu, if you were Player 2 you were Ken. (By the way, that's red-headed Ryu up there) That's it, no other choice or available option. Secondly, this game was slow and unbalanced. Yes, it was the first fighting game to bring in an awesome combo system, but sometimes it was so powerful you could win a match with three short combos. But the absolute WORST part of this game...the arcade cabinet only had two buttons, one for punch and one for kick. And they were bigger than your fist, made of rubber, and 3-4 inches off the table. And you had to punch them down to activate them. I swear, go look it up.

-- Patrick Roche-Sowa

Brutal: Paws of Fury
~Sega Genesis, SNES~

This game debuted on the Sega Genesis in 1994. The game features a collection of talking animals, engaged in a fighting tournament for the Belt of Heaven. So, really, the game is Mortal Kombat meets TMNT meets a boatload of lame. The game gets some points for making possible the showdown of a champion fighter llama and a hyperactive house cat. Unfortunately, it's not enough. The game tried to bring back the TMNT-animals-wearing-people-clothes subgenre. For that, there is no forgiveness.

-- Jonathan Hunt

Double Dragon V: The Shadow Falls
~SNES~

In the fifth Double Dragon game, the series veered from the tried and true beat ‘em formula and become a button mashing brawler. Based on the Double Dragon Saturday morning cartoon, the game used bright colors and a commercial tie in to lure unsuspecting youngsters. It was slow, unimaginative, often unresponsive and cost $52.99 plus tax. It was totally an Epic Fail!

--Eugene Morton

Shaq-Fu~SNES, Sega Genesis~

Shaq Fu is an Epic Fail for several reasons. Besides being a downright sh*tty game, it actually assumes that kids want to fight mummies in alternate dimensions as a basketball player. I could go on and on about this game, but everyone already knows it’s the worst.

-- Brian Leahy

Honorable Mention

Although not a fighting game per say, watch the trailer for the greatest basketball-themed game ever: Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden