Tag Archives: poetry

A random acrylic painting as a break from water coloring. Now complete, the look of this painting overall reminds me of the “runner’s high” feeling every time I do long workouts on my bike. Not caring so much that I could be injuring my muscles/joints, the sense of well-being is hard to let go from so easily.

I had a very lovely Thanksgiving weekend with my mother. She’d fixed our holiday meal days in advance so the actual day was relaxing, watching movies, catching up on my reading. The day after I spent at home writing and doing some recordings. I was scheduled to work at the store but decided not to show (Friday is my off day any how and black friday is not one I care to be stuck all day in a store–with my pay, it wouldn’t make or break me so I did what I needed to). Anyway, Friday evening we went to a concert of Rhapsody In Blue by the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra at Music Hall. My mother had a free ticket and she unexpectedly bought me one as well for that night. It was my first time going to Music Hall and I’ll never forget it. Very inspiring performances and I certainly have a greater appreciation for orchestra music because of the experience.

As a thank you gift for that ticket, I surprised my mother with a gift card to a restaurant we often go to together. It was enough for her to choose one of the more expensive dinner meals they offer of which she usually turns down getting for herself. I took care and didn’t want her to have to think about it this time.

“For a while we lived with people, but we saw no sign in them of the faithfulness we wanted. It’s better to hide completely within as water hides in metal, as fire hides in a rock.”

-Quatrain 1082 by Rumi, Open Secret

This is the first sketch after an unacceptably long break from drawing. One of those days where I could do little more than try showing how I felt, and hope to breathe again when I set my pencil down. The week has been a challenge I did not want to make any more difficult with a fight. Lonesomeness has weighed so heavily in me, I don’t think I deserve worth toward others or that I can belong in the way I’ve hoped. And I know these conclusions mean little. I will put them in a song and keep trying to get over.

This sketch is one from the early first weeks at my job, representing the way each passing hour felt and just having to accept nothing more could be done.

The song below is one of the last I worked on before full time employment took over and I had to drop all plans. At least it’s left a good memory with me for how I could find ways to recover and better understand certain emotions. It’s not all simply out of my hands.

Split

Self I hate,
I am to be always at blame.
There are no innocent mistakes…
I could not be without my shame.

Has the end come?
Has it really happened?
Have we heard our lesson?
Please tell me, have we learned?

At step one with nothing to follow next
Where everything erases, everyday resets.
Unseen progress by experience
Forgive me…
You’ve forced me to forget
The quiet ache;
You’ll not explain my regret.

This is something I wrote just yesterday. One day I hope to put these lines as lyrics with music, but I may not ever have that kind of time again (definitely not soon) For now they’re just lines for my own comfort.

Maybe I should keep away…

No more quiet, no more needing and needing in silence.
Turn one day until weeks-
Until “away”can be all to expect from me.

But I chose the side
That, for everyone else but myself, was right
And I’m losing her.

Maybe this can be easier…
Forgive my failure, forgive the love and light
All this time I’ve wasted begging you were.

Keep away long enough and you will
Forget who you cannot find.
You forget and move beyond our divide-

I wrote the poem below weeks ago after discussing something with my doctor that still leaves me feeling like I’ll endlessly be ramming into a brick wall as long as I’m alive. But anyway, I put that anger into these lines and tried, but failed by the results, to sing them how I meant. What else is new… My music is still a huge secret when I think about the time – something only I really know/care and have to obsess over. It’s keeping me though, whether or not the more days I have are a waste, some ideas aren’t letting me go quite yet.

I Must

You say no.
Too much I am.
It’s far too much I ask –
That you listen and respond,
Give me worth and grace me with your words

When I’m broken and begging you to mean the world.

Exhausted with my sickness, aren’t we all?
I promise you, it won’t happen again.
I promise I’ll do better to pretend I have no choice
But to survive,
Be strong enough to live up to this lie…