Sunday, June 13, 2010

BUSH IN BED WITH BP

When is America going to wake up to the fact that the oil companies are the true government, even when they aren't American oil companies?? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that Bush, and by extension all rich white men, are to blame here. Bush is probably eating lobster right now from a non-oil contaminated ocean, not doing a damn thing to make BP shut down the well, just picking his nose or chopping something down on his ranch, maybe riding his bike while the worst environmental disaster in the history of the world is happening right now ON HIS WATCH!!!!$^%1!

And where's Cheney? Off shooting someone in the face? Resting comfortably in his coffin until sunset when he'll rise and start sucking off the lower classes until he's as plump and bloated as a dead fish floating on the Gulf??? HE WILL BURN!!!

I'm LIVID over this whole thing. LIVID. Little red spots are breaking out all over my body as I think of all the birds, all the fish, all the shrimp, all the little helpless sea creatures that right now, as I type, are being battered in oil to fry in the giant global capitalistic deep fryer of fucketry.

I mean Katrina was bad, and Bush will go to Hell for giving that damn hurricane permission to flood New Orleans. That's a fact. Why does he hate Louisiana? Why does he hate black people?? I don't know, but I'll be going through my Bible tonight looking for clues and codes and I'll read until I find it, and I don't care how many Diet Pepsis I have to drink to stay awake.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Monday, March 09, 2009

Thursday, July 12, 2007

How To Be A Good Feminist Wife

Hey girls, do you wear the pants in your family? Do you bring home the bacon, but refuse to fry it up?? If this sounds like you and you're not a lesbian, this simple list will help you to learn how to be a good feminist wife and maybe please your Husband without sacrificing your need to act like a man.

*Note to readers, this list is made in jest but it also aims to shed some light on how silly some of these feminist women really are. I would NEVER recommend any woman to follow this list, if you wish to learn how to truly be a good wife please see this article:How To Be A Good Christian Wife

1. Just because you've worked hard all day, it's no excuse to shirk your responibilities, ladies! The garbage is overflowing and it's up to you to empty it before your Husband tosses another beer can in its general direction. He's been tossing trash all day, so make sure it's the first thing you do when you get home, and DON'T make him have to ask you to do it. It will make him happy to see you get to work as soon as you walk in, and a happy Husband is the best kind.

2. He's hungry and so are you and of course you haven't gone to the grocery store, which is in itself a sexist instituiton, so there's no food in the house. It's time to let your fingers do the walking and order up a nice feast of chinese food, pizza or whatever can get there fast. If you have an account at the restaurant, you can go and have a shower and leave it for your Husband to answer the door and tip the delivery person. Never make him pay for the purchase because math is hard for him and he'll never get the right change and he'll overtip. An account solves that problem nicely. Make sure he has the tip money before you get into the shower or else he'll have to go through the embarassment of bringing you your purse while you are in there so you can give him the money, the delivery person will have to wait and the whole situation will cause resentment on the part of your Husband. Letting him answer the door and give the tip will give him a false sense of purpose, and men just love that. It makes them confident, and if you want him to perform his Husbandly bedroom duties in a satisfactory manner, confidence is a plus.

3. Don't worry about cleaning the house. You're a strong woman, hear you roar! Use some of your hard earned cash to hire one of the masses of unenlightened women who actually will stoop as low as to clean a toilet. Some women actually enjoy cleaning! Don't try to talk sense into a senseless creature, leave her to her lot in life, but make sure to hire an ugly old woman. You may be progresive but you aren't stupid. Men are drawn to a woman who cleans for them, it reminds them of their opressed mother who made them feel as if they were special for simply being born with a penis. A young woman will think nothing of stealing your Husband away with offers of hot home-cooked meals and children. A woman like that will talk up your man and badmouth you, all while you're paying her, don't be an idiot. Old and ugly is the way to go.

4. Don't neglect home improvements!! While it's ok to hire others to clean and cook, you MUST do your own repairs if you want to be a proper feminist wife. Otherwise you're just a woman with a job. Paint, drywall, you can do it all! Buy yourself some tools, big ones, great big powerful tools that you can keep in your "work area" in the garage. It doesn't matter if your house is brand new, something always needs to be done. Oil those hinges! Caulk those windows!! Clean the gutters!!! A ladder is the best friend of a true feminist, it allows the whole neighborhood to see you up there, fixing stuff and being all the woman you can be!! YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

5. Always cut the lawn in view of your Husband. Use a power-push mower, not a rider, you may have a pussy but you're not a pussy! It's great exercise and it allows him to watch you work without getting in your way, or being obvious about it. He'll enjoy watching you sweat, and hopefuly you'll get some sex out of it. Make sure you keep your grass short and your yard neat, the world is judging you, and that's something that matters a lot to you, being a true feminist.

6. Own at least one vibrator. The more vibrators you own, the more of a true feminist you are. Go to sex-toy parties, heck, even host a few! It's a great way to meet other true feminists for business contacts, but make sure to ask discreet questions about the other guests if you're invited to a party outside of your circle. Never go to a lesbian sex-toy party. Lesbians are not true feminists because they don't have a subduded male in their care. Avoid them like the plague as they will bore everyone to death with talk of how men are the root cause of all evil in the universe. The term "preaching to the choir" has no meaning to them. Make sure that your Husband sees the vibrators, but never allow him to use one on you or watch you use one on yourself. Keeping him in the dark about your vibrator use will intimidate him into making sure you get lots and lots of sex to prove how great his penis is, and isn't lots and lots of sex really what it's all about???

7. Never marry a man who makes more money or has a more powerful position then you. Money and power make men confident. A true feminist cannot marry a confident man because confident men are by nature sexist. There will be a constant power struggle on your part, and I say on your part because he won't even notice. Don't waste your time, you want a man who can tell you're a feminist and who will respect that by taking a job such as a chef (which keeps him in the kitchen, wouldn't that be sweet) or an electrician. Or maybe a teacher, as long as it's not math or science.

8. Make sure he has no access to money but through you. He'll spend it and he won't know what he spent it on. You need to be in charge of all finances, from the mortgage to the phone bill. Never expect him to be able to handle going to the bank or paying a bill for you, don't even ask. Take care of these things yourself. Always.

9. Hate Jesus and all Christians, whether you get married or not. Acceptable religions are Wiccanism and anything new age and goddessy.

These are just a few things to keep in mind if you're a feminist thinking about marriage. The hardest part will be learning to view your Husband as an equal, because you'll be doing all the work and he being a man will not give you the credit you deserve. So don't bother trying to view him as human, you know you're better than him, you're a true feminist and DON'T YOU FORGET IT!!!!! Following this list sure won't please Jesus and it actually probably won't please your Husband, but it will please you, and you're the only one who matters. Isn't that right girls??

Friday, June 23, 2006

How To Tell If Your Children Are Being Influenced By Liberals

All parents want what’s best for their children. As Christians, we understand that Satan is always sneaking around looking for ways to influence us in our daily lives, well, the same goes for children, but on an even sneakier level. Children don’t have the life experience to tell when they are being influenced in a way that is detrimental to their best interests. Their minds are still forming, and oh does Satan love a fresh mind to corrupt! If you suspect your children have come under the influence of Satan, you are probably correct. You MUST take action against the evil, doing nothing is exactly what Satan wants. If you do not act to counter the communistical thought parasite of Liberalism, your child will grow up to live in your basement forever, while working at McDonalds and whining to you on a daily basis about how the Republicans have ruined any chance of him ever getting a decent job and moving out.

Here’s a list of signs to help determine if Liberals are influencing your child. Remember be vigilant, Satan is a sneaky Devil!

1. Your child develops an unhealthy fascination with the 1960’s. Check their school notebooks for doodles of peace signs, a sure sign that they have become interested in the “hippy” drug culture. This type of influence can usually be blamed on a liberal teacher who in an attempt to catch the interest of his class will pretend he was at Woodstock and make up stories of his hippy adventures. On rare occasions a substitute teacher who really was at Woodstock will be to blame, but as they were most likely so high on acid that they can’t remember the actual event, the resulting influence will be identical “peace and love” hippy bullshit lies.

2. Your child refuses to eat meat, on the grounds that it is cruel to animals. This is a RED ALERT. Someone is influencing your child’s very being and you need to find out who it is. We are here on this earth to have dominion over the beasts, and in order to be a healthy vegan you need to spend so much time worrying about what it is that you are eating that your actual life becomes meaningless and you turn into a great big anemic looser. Finding the influencer shouldn’t be very hard, they will be pale with thin unshiny hair, either very skinny or very fat, lacking in energy and will most likely be wearing leather Birkenstocks.

3. You find your child reading Marx. If your child knows the meaning of the word proletariat, you are in trouble. This is an extreme case in which my best advice would be to pack up the family and move as soon as possible. Your child is most likely in a cult being run by a closet Marxist that is disguised as a debate club or a literature club being offered through the school. A good way to avoid this happening is to make sure all of your child’s extra curricular activities are run through your Church.

4. Your child begins to rebel against authority. Liberal influencers will tell your children as many lies as they can to get them to turn against their parents. This helps to ensure a future generation of welfare parasites which will keep their evil empire well fed and relevant, while they feast on the sweat off the backs of the hard working taxpayer. If your child starts referring to the government in derogatory tones or terms, he has begun to be influenced away from the God’s truth that the government is of the people for the people. He has distanced himself from the beauty of America and has begun to turn on his brother, as is what Satan wants.

6. Your child begins to question capitalism and the American way. A sure sign of Liberal infection is if your child tells you that money is not a measure of success. They will rant about the “worker” and how you, his loving parents, are agents of “the man” and how some crackpot in South America is going to lead a worker’s revolution that will shake the very foundations of your “white bread” world. They will quit all competitive team sports, claiming that winning isn’t everything. Some may even claim that Jesus was a communist! The best thing to do in this type of situation, is to take away their iPods, their car keys and all clothing except for two sweaters and one pair of pants for boys, and two dresses for girls. Make them use soap for shampoo and toilet paper for maxi pads. Take away from them anything which your evil capitalist money has purchased. That includes the stereo and all their Rage Against the Machine CD’s. If that doesn’t work, send them off to North Korea with a packed lunch.

7. Your child has been influence by Liberal fluff bunnies. If your child has been reading Michael Moore or surfing the liberal blogs from somewhere outside your influence, you really don’t have much to worry about. If you are confronted with arguments based on information your child has learned from Michael Moore, the best thing to do is laugh. And laugh. And laugh some more, until your child leaves the room. If confronted with information they have received from liberal blogs, remind them that AnnieAngel, a little Christian woman, armed only with the truth and a great pair of legs, can take on a whole blog of them by herself at anytime, and come away the winner. And then laugh. And laugh. And laugh some more.

This is just a small sample of behaviors that may indicate that your child has been compromised by Satan. Any behavior out of the ordinary should be carefully monitored. Liberals, like drug dealers, are trying to sell your children false happiness wrapped up in a great big lie of dependence. Let’s clean up our streets! Remember parents, the children are the future!

Monday, May 15, 2006

How To Covertly Convert Unbelievers

As Christians we are called to spread the Good News of Christ wherever we go. It's our Great Commission, our duty to God. Most people think that in order to do this you must approach the unbelievers face to face and interact with them on a personal level.

But this isn't true, actions speak louder than words. I've made a list of some easy ways you can spread the Word unobtrusively as you go about your daily affairs. While you may not convert everyone right away, you've made them think about God without realizing it, and Jesus only needs a tiny opening in a hard heart to enter into it and lodge there forever! 1. Sing a happy song. One of the easiest things we as Christians can do to spread the good news is to sing or hum or whistle songs of praise wherever we go. Pick catchy tunes like, "I have decided to follow Jesus," or the one about the Ark and how "the animals they came, they came in twosies, twosies." People hear a catchy tune and they start singing it to themselves and soon they're humming it out loud. Think about it, they'll actually pass the tune to someone else who will pass again, and so on! Praise Jesus!!!

2. The ten foot rule. Anyone within ten feet of you is fair game. If someone sneezes, say, "God Bless You" and smile, while making eye contact. At stores, if someone is in front of you, say, "Marcia! I missed you in Church on Sunday!" When she turns around, you of course say, "Oh I'm sorry I thought you were someone else! From behind I could have sworn you sat in front of me in Church!" Then you'll both laugh and she'll feel good all day, and maybe think about actually going to Church herself.

3. Pay with a check. You can have them custom designed to include Bible quotes and to have pretty Christian backgrounds. You'll hold up the line, so make sure not to take too long and be sure to smile and speak to the person behind you. Compliment her on something. She'll notice your check and the quote, so will the cashier and the managers at the store, as well as at the bank. Pretty cool how many people you can touch with such a simple action, isn't it? You can also always say, "God Bless You," to the cashier instead of "thank-you" or "have a nice day."

4. Shop with a buddy. It's always nice to shop with a friend so plan your trips to Wal-Mart or other big retailers with another lady from your Church. Remember the ten foot rule and remember people love to eavesdrop. Plan a few conversations about something exciting that is coming up at Church like a picnic or other social event (mention there will be tons of food), or talk about how God's love touched someone you both know and made an amazing change in their life. Keep stressing that without God, the person would probably be dead or in jail right now. People can always relate stories like that to themselves or to someone they love. You just may plant a seed of hope in someone's life!

5. Sunday Brunch. After Church take the whole family out for brunch. Organize with others from your Church, fill half of the restaurant! There's no need to plan conversations, after Church everyone will be praising God and spreading the Word with their smiles and their happiness and their fellowship. Pick a buffet type place where you all can move around and people can see just how happy you all are to have Jesus in your hearts. Call each other Brother and Sister, show how all Christians are really just part of one big family, with God as our Father. Make sure you all say grace together with the oldest Brother or the Pastor speaking for all and praying for the Salvation of Sin, the unbelievers just may join in!! And what a better tip for the waitresses then the hope of Salvation? Praise God!

6. At home. Remember your children's friends may not come from a Christian home. If you make their visit to your home a Christian visit, you'll never have to actually speak to the child about Jesus directly. At meals when a friend is eating over, have your child say grace, something simple like, "Thank-you God for this food and for sending Jesus to die for our sins so we don't have to burn in Hell forever, Amen." If the friend is interested, they'll ask your child for further explanation, so make sure your kids pay attention in Sunday School! Also, Christian video games are still video games, and your child will play them with their friends if you make it available. Make it into a treat, give them some snacks while they play. And of course when you host sleep-overs, make sure your child says their prayers. Something like, "Now I lay me down to sleep..." will put the fear of God into any heathen child.

7. While out with your family. A Christian family is a happy family. It's important to make a good impression on others. When going on an outing, make sure that everyone is dressed in matching colors and that the kids are clean and polite. When at functions with non-believers, they will make references to how smart your kids are and how well-behaved. Make sure you respond with a smile but give the credit to Jesus. If the person has a child with disciplinary problems, they will inquire further into how you run your home. Invite them to your Church on Sunday, and tell them to bring their kids. If you've made a good impression, chances are they'll show up.

This is just a small list of how you can spread the Good News of Christ without getting into big long discussions with unbelievers. Be creative and come up with your own ways, it's easier than you think!

Monday, May 01, 2006

How To Raise Good Christian Children, Part 2

We all wish our children to grow up to be decent, loving adults who respect God and country. But this doesn't happen in a vacuum! For the ladies who've asked me for advice on how to properly raise a girl in today's society, I've written a list of easy to follow steps that I hope you'll find helpful!

1. Schooling. Ideally a girl should be homeschooled. However, this is a large responsibility for the parents. If you are not qualified to teach in certain areas, make sure to find someone who is! Ask at your church, they may have study groups led by members who are either teaching now, or are retired. Girls should be taught subjects which will help them run their future households. It's a good idea for a homeschooling mother to create a course based on her daily activities. This type of hands on learning will be invaluable to your daughter when she has her own home and family.

2. Very young girls should be spoiled by their parents to a point, especially their father. Do not reward tantrums or other bad behavior! However coyness and manipulation through smiles and charm are positive attributes which will make her life easier in the future.

3. Curfews for girls are a non-issue. They should ask your permission everytime they wish to leave the house, until they have married or have gone off to university. There is no need for a girl to be "hanging out" at the mall or on streetcorners. Your daughter should be involved in various activites outside of the home to balance the social aspect of homeschooling. These activities will allow her more than enough time outside of the home.

4. Friends. This is a very tricky issue. Girls are more easily influenced than boys, therefore you must be VERY CAREFUL when choosing her friends. All girls need a BestFriend. It's best to choose two girls who live close-by for your daughter to be friends with. This way she can choose which one she likes best and the other can be her fall-back friend. Choose girls who are shy, fat and unpopular. This will help to keep the boys away. And remember, you're not just choosing a friend, but you are choosing a friend's family. Make sure every child your daughter comes in contact with is from a decent, upperclass, Christian home.

5. Entertainment. To make sure your daughter does not lack in social skills, homeschooled children should be invloved in many activities outside of the home. These activities can double as her entertainment. If you involve her in a church social club, make sure you are also involved in the group. Young girls should never be left without chaperones if young boys are present, in any setting. The only way you can make sure she won't be is if you're there. NEVER allow your daughter to go to a "dance" even at the church. She'll get a reputation as a slut. She can dance at her wedding.

6. Dating. There is no excuse for allowing your daughter to "date." Period. It is the responsibility of the parent to keep their daughter away from boys. One date leads to more dates and pretty soon she'll be dating boys you don't approve of behind your back. Young boys are nothing but hormone machines and if you don't want your daughter knocked up by some heathen in a black leather jacket and a nose ring....keep her HOME and with you. Boys will say ANYTHING to get her into a sexual situation. Sometimes it only takes a smooth talking low-life hood one opportunity to fill her head with lies and to fill her belly with a baby. Maybe you think you can trust her...but you sure can't trust HIM! Her social activities will bring her into contact with boys in a proper setting, remember there is NO REASON for a young girl to be alone with a young boy EVER. Her reputation will suffer and no decent man will ever want to marry her.

7. Music. After friends, music is the biggest influence on young girls. The music scene these days is aimed at turning your pre-teen daughters into prostitots. The idols and icons for young girls are half-naked, whorishly made-up, sexually suggestive OBJECTS of fake woman-hood. The message geared toward teen girls is BE A SLUT! WOMEN = SEX OBJECTS! And not only that, but the music itself is just BAD! There's no need for young girls to listen to any music except classical, not even Christian "rock" or "rap." And of course, music videos are OUT of the question. It's also good to have a girl learn an instrument, like the piano and to be taught music appreciation.

8. Clothing and accessories. Young girls should dress like young girls, not like old whores. You are the person paying for the clothes, you should be the person choosing and purchasing the clothes. Her top should ALWAYS cover her belly, her chest and her shoulders. Skirts should never be higher than just above the knee and pants should button at the waist and not the hips. Clothes should fit properly, not be too tight or too baggy. Modesty is key. Make-up SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED. There is nothing more disgusting than a young girl with a face full of make-up. Unless it's a young girl with dyed hair. Leg shaving should NOT be allowed and neither should eyebrow shaping. THESE ARE LITTLE GIRLS!!! THEY ARE NOT FASHION MODELS OR POP STARS! NO EAR PIERCING! NO FACE PIERCINGS!! NO BLEACHING, WAXING OR SUGARING!! NO HIGHLIGHTS! NO HIGH HEELS!! NO PURSES!! NO CELL-PHONES!! NO NAIL POLISH!! NO PERFUME!! This is all common sense.

9. Behavior. A little girl should behave like a little angel. She should not have fits of temper, nor should she pout or cry. She should be taught to be like a beam of sunshine, silent yet warm and glowing. She should always sit properly, stand properly and never fidget. She should always be clean and tidy and properly dressed. Her hair should always be neat and combed. When at public functions, she should never leave your side unless you give her leave and she should never speak unless someone speaks to her first. She should mimic the behaviors of her mother when greeting people and always remember her manners at the dinner table. She should keep her room clean and do so without being asked. Her use of the phone should be restriced to calls under two minutes and only during certain hours. She should never be allowed to answer the phone or to use the phone without permission. Her internet use should be carefully monitored with no email or casual surfing allowed.

10. Punishment. Punishment for girls should absolutely never be physical. Also, never punish a girl by giving her housework. Housework should be fun for a young girl, an activity that she associates with home and family and love, never with punishment. If your daughter misbehaves, take away priviliges such as visiting her church social group, or ask her to write you an essay on why what she did was wrong. It's fine for single mothers to punish their daughters, but if she is too wild and out of hand, dont' be afraid to call in the male relatives to put the fear of God into her!

11. Religous instruction. The best religious instruction for a young girl can be found through your church. Bible study with special focus on a woman's role in a Christian home is a wonderful example of the type of courses available to young girls through the church. Make sure she remembers that even though she may not like the rules, it is in her own best interests to follow them, to make sure that she will be a good future wife and mother and so that she will be making Jesus proud.

So there you go ladies! Hopefully you'll find some ideas in here that will help you to raise your daughters as proper young Christian ladies, so that in the future they can become productive members of society and wonderful wives and mothers!