The Hot Seat

Welcome to CBR's latest weekly column, The Hot Seat. The Hot Seat will not be written by any one person, rather it will be written by an ever changing group of industry professionals who have something to say and want to be heard, published each and every Monday. This will be professionals in their own words. Uncensored, unrestrained ... unbelievable.

We're especially happy to announce that Marvel Comics President and COO Bill Jemas has agreed to provide CBR with its first Hot Seat column. If you're at all familiar with Bill Jemas you know he doesn't hold back and he's one to speak his mind. With Bill's in The Hot Seat he takes a satirical look at how Marvel Comics and he are regarded online. CBR thanks Bill Jemas for his contribution and we hope you enjoy what he has to say.

Author

Topic: An Open Letter from Bill Jemas to Marvel Comic Retailers and Fans

Bill Jemas

For the past 19 months, Marvel has been rebuilding our reputation and stature as the premiere comics publisher in the United States. We have brought top creators back to Marvel, revitalized our core books, and launched the incredibly successful Ultimate and Max lines.

And you, the retailers and readers have responded. Marvel now dominates the sales charts like never before. We have posted all 20 of the 25 best-selling books for four months in a row - that's an all-time record - and it's all thanks to your support.

We wanted to express our gratitude, but not with mere words - We wanted to provide our direct-market family with a concrete and long-term show of appreciation. So, damn the bean counters, I'm pleased to announce that for the next four years, each Tuesday, Marvel will be providing free milk and cookies to our fans at their local comic shops!

That's right. Buy a copy of Origin, get a cookie. Buy Fantastic Four, get ANOTHER cookie. And milk to wash it down with, as a special 'THANK YOU!' from your friends at the House of Ideas (And Now Cookies)!

Make Mine Marvel!!!

Bill J

BITTERBOY

Buy a copy of Origin - is that a supposed to be funny - it's sold out everywhere -what is he going to do, e-mail a cyber-cookie when I read one of those stupid dot comics?

This is just the sort of lame-brained, knee-jerk move we've come to expect from this man. I for one won't support this oaf by buying ANY Marvel comics, except X-Men, Spider Man, Ultimate X-Men, Ultimate Spider-Man, Origin, Punisher, the new Captain America, and Daredevil. Oh, and Alias. And X-Force. And The Ultimates. But that's IT. Except for Captain Marvel.

FANMAN

I am not a typical fan boy. I am a part-time assistant manager at a comic book shop. If Bill Jemas had EVER set foot in a comic book shop or had even slightest idea what a comic store was like, he'd realize most shops don't have the floor space for this 'bold initiative!' He'll never last the next 4 months, let alone 4 years!

BENDIS!

Being a Marvel insider and being privy to information not available to the general public, I'd just like to say that I'm a Marvel insider and privy to information not available to the general public. Also, STERN RULEZ!

THANOSDOOD

I'm lactose intolerant. Jemas is trying to destroy the lining of my stomach!

ARK MALLESSI

I just wanna say that I'm just a regular fan who happens to be reading this message board, and if it wasn't for CrossGen bringing me back to comics, myself and several other who read CrossGen wouldn't be reading Marvel or any other comic books!

LITER AL

Everyone says marvel does so much to bring in new readers, but you have to already be in the store before you get these cookies. We are fooling ourselves. It hurts when I smile.

LAULPEVITZ

So, now Marvel claims they invented dessert. Jemas is going to learn that Retailers are not as dumb as he says they are.

JFAN

Jemas did not say that retailers are dumb. He just pointed out that the dumb ones are dumb.

FANMAN

Hey, I resemble that remark! Snork!

YOUR MAN (NOT YET AT MARVEL)

Mr. Jemas, I am an assistant copywriter at an advertising agency, and I have been collecting comics since for the past 12 years (since I was six). So it is obvious that I can have a lot to contribute to your business planning process. For example, it is obvious that Marvel needs a four-tiered, distribution system representing a broad spectrum of baked doughy goodness. Here is my plan, and all you have to do is hire me:

MARVEL ALL COOKIE AGES: These will represent the bulk of our cookie initiative, providing our loyal readers with primarily Oreos and various fruit Newtons. The milk will be good ol' 2%, rich in bone-building calcium. Note that we'll no longer be using the outdated and expensive Federal Pasteurization Guidelines, but instead will implement a set of in-house standards more responsive to today's audience.

MARVEL COOKIE KNIGHTS: For the slightly older fan, Marvel will provide cookies with stronger content, such as candy-covered chocolate chips, raisins, and/or macadamia nuts. Many top-names from the Keebler and Nabisco organizations have expressed a strong willingness to participate - I can't give away the details at this point, but it's very possible that Fudge will make it's much-requested debut in the Marvel Cookies line in second quarter 2001. Milk provided will be banana or strawberry-flavored, in collectible cartons displaying the Punisher and Black Widow with those 'Got Milk?' moustaches.

MARVEL COOKIE MAX: Not for younger cookie-consumers, this line represents the finest in crispety-crunchiness for the more mature palate, with such forbidden delicacies as Rum-Soaked Lady Fingers and Amaretto Biscotti. These are bad cookies for fanboys. They're date cookies for guys who enjoy the company of sweet, sweet biscuits so naughty you just want to spank them. Spank that cookie! The milk will be fermented and mixed with a dark lager. I want to stress that this line is NOT Marvel's answer to the very popular VERTIGO line of after-dinner pastries.

Will Marvel never learn? How could Jemas forget the failed "Chrome-Nutter-Butter-Variant" craze of the late eighties? This cookie caper is just another empty gesture, loaded with empty calories.

DOUGHBOY

If he starts giving away cookies for free, nobody is going to buy them from my bakery. Listen Jemas, can't you be satisfied destroying the comic industry, do you have to put the bakers out of business too?

PEACE, MAN

Excuse me, but I'm not sure why everyone is bickering. I love comics, I love cookies and now I'll get free cookies with my comics. What am I missing here?

BITTERBOY

Would you please tell Mr. Jemas, that I'd bake him a cake if he just shuts up.

ARK MALESSI

I just want to say that I'm an average fan who just happens to be reading this message board, and Marvel can try to cover up their problems with glitz and sugar all they want, but I for one say, BLESS CrossGen for providing their loyal readers with healthful celery and turnips, delivered each month like CLOCKWORK. And that tomato and liver cocktail sure goes down smooth after reading SIGIL. That's the CrossGen commitment to quality and high fiber in action, says me, a typical fan and not the owner of CrossGen at all.

LAULPEVITZ

I accidentally pulped our entire December shipment.

BITTERBOY

I love you man. I'll wait for January. DC sells me my comics for 10 cents so I can afford to buy my own confections.

LITER AL

This whole thread is ridiculous, none of us even exists, if this is what is supposed to be humor - I for one am not amused.

SILVERNERFER

I don't know why you guys are getting so upset. I mean, this sounds like the best idea Marvel's had in ages! But then again, I really, really like cookies. Make Mine Macaroon!

KNIGHTMAN

Thank god we have Joe in there. Bill, listen to Joe - FOLLOW HIM

-- FOLLOW THE Q.

BITTERBOY

Joe Quesada is no better. Sure he's improved every book that Marvel makes, but he's just doing it for the money. The better the books, the more they sell. It disgusts me.

The more I read the more I'm convinced that Bill Jemas is an idiot. This is Heroes World all over again, with Milk to wash it down. Did I mention that I'm a part-time assistant manager at a comic book shop?

LITERAL

Don't you people realize this whole thing is a joke? I mean, you're scaring me.

BITTERBOY

You guys are playing right into his hands this is what he wants he says something crazy and we all come here and post about it = free publicity for marvel. I was at the next Urinal to Jemas at the San Diego con and he has horns and a tail covered up by a clever tailor and a toupee. If jemas really wanted to encourage circulation he would bring back speedball.

JOEQUESADA

Uh, see, Bill is like the bad cop, and I'm the good cop -- I mean, he likes to shake things up. Uh, he's probably kidding about the whole cookie thing, I bet. It's more than likely a joke. I'm 90% certain that he's just kidding. Oh, forget it. You guys grab him and I'll stun him with this shovel.

LITER AL

Do any of you see that you are all falling into his trap? Don't you realize that the entire world is being dominated by Marvel's BS?

PEACE MAN

Do you realize that there are only 8 of us on this board?

Be sure to return next Monday for another installment of The Hot Seat! If you're an industry professional interested in contributing to this column, contact CBR Executive Producer Jonah Weiland.