Sunday, September 13, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 1

Every week, Alex and Chris track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. The Cowboys kick off their season against the Buccaneers. All locations Tampa unless stated otherwise. All times Dallas unless stated otherwise.

11:54 am: We have learned that Antonio Bryant, in an effort to give the paying Tampa fans something to cheer about, has thrown a sweaty jersey in Wade Phillips' face.

11:56 am: The Bucs are wearing white at home, which means the Cowboys will be in Bad Luck Blue. Anything for a win, huh?

12:03 pm: Cowboys return the opening kickoff. No sight of Bobby on the return or sidelines (yet). Of course, Tampa does have that super cool giant pirate ship in the end zone that needs to be explored... could Bobby be hiding inside the ship during offensive series?

12:05 pm: Yes, that IS Bobby watching from the pirate ship's crow's nest.

12:09 pm: What is going on with communication on the Dallas sideline? First the right tackle ignores the blitzing Ronde Barber (sack), then Dallas barely snaps the ball as the play clock expires, then Dallas ends up burning a timeout before starting 3rd and 17. I think Bobby's iHelmet is interfering with our headset signals.

12:12 pm: Folk kicks a 51-yard field goal, fortunately. 3-0, Dallas. It turns out Dallas burned the timeout to allow Bobby to climb down from the crow's nest and (as Phillips put it) "get his tail back on the sideline. And turn that goddang iPod off, Robert."

12:20 pm: Keith Brooking has already out-tackled Bobby and Demarcus Ware is out of the game for some reason. Moose says it's a pinched nerve. Tampa is passing the ball on us at will and running the ball with ease. I thought Dallas was supposed to dominate a team that fired its offensive coordinator a week before the season started.

Meanwhile, Bobby edges closer and closer to Demarcus, playing Ware's favorite tune on his iHelmet. Demarcus indulges Bobby and takes a listen. For at least a minute, everything is alright.

12:25 pm: Sensabaugh blocks the Tampa field goal! Mike Jenkins scoops it up and races downfield. This could be the boost we need.

12:29 pm: Wildcat.

12:32 pm: Dallas drove the ball but came up short again. Field goal makes it 6-0, Dallas.

12:36 pm: Apparently, Bobby's iHelmet is therapeutic. Ware is back in the Dallas defense.

12:42 pm: Bobby, disheartened by the lack of heart on the Dallas D, thinks back to what worked in the preseason ... of course! Dipping tobacco! Bobby divvies up Keith Brooking's stash of Skoal with the dexterity of a soccer mom and has enough dip prepared for the whole team.

12:46 pm: Bobby's in the game!

12:47 pm: Bobby is immediately blocked out of the path of the runner ... by a wide receiver. Cadillac scampers off for a big rush, setting up 1st and goal.

12:47 pm: Bobby ends up on top of Keith Brooking. 2nd and goal.

12:48 pm: Bobby ends up under an offensive lineman but close to the runner. 3rd and goal.

12:51 pm: I just wanted to emphasize that Bobby was blocked by a WIDE RECEIVER not five minutes ago.

12:55 pm: Rumors that Tony Romo is dating Candice Crawford upset Bobby. After all, Romo and Carpenter used to be best friends. After a few Google searches, Bobby learns that Crawford's brother stars in Gossip Girl. This gives Bobby enough justification to watch some old episodes on his iPhone from the sidelines. This also prompts Bobby to retort "you know you love me" to every insult thrown his way.

1:00 pm: No one has touched the Skoal on Bobby's serving tray. If the people won't come to the dip, the dip will come to the people. Bobby begins to slip Skoal into the various Gatorade containers on the sidelines. You know you love me.

1:05 pm: Is Dallas trying on offense? At all?

1:08 pm: All those secret hotel plays to Jason Witten are paying off.

1:10 pm: Flozell Adams single-handedly erases a long run from a trick play. He was flagged with an "illegal block" call. Or a personal foul. Flo was either pissed or feeling amorous. Is this how he shouts out to his girl back home? Or begs her to take him back?

1:13 pm: BOBBY MAKES THE TACKLE ON THE PUNT! AND HE'S PUNCHING THE AIR! HELL YEAH!

1:17 pm: Bobby is plugged in on 3rd down and gets in on the play. But it looks like he ends up tackling the Cowboy defender who tackles the runner. No air-punching this time.

1:20 pm: Romo to Miles Austin, tap dancing down the sideline and into the end zone! Dallas goes up 13-7. It must be the Skoal.

1:24 pm: Bobby hustles to touch the downed Buccaneer, just in case he wasn't already called down.

1:25 pm: Wade takes his sunglasses off to complain to the refs on a long Clayton catch.

1:27 pm: Wade puts his sunglasses on again after a failed play review.

1:30 pm: Tampa calls a timeout due to an expiring play clock, essentially icing their own kicker. On the kick, Nugent goes wide right, fulfilling the prophecy. Dallas escapes with a 13-7 halftime lead. Not bad for playing absolutely horrendous football.

---HALFTIME---

1:45 pm: The third quarter begins to rainfall. At the very least, it's going to be attractive ugly football.

1:47 pm: Tony Siragusa has an assistant holding an umbrella over him. In this economy.

1:57 pm: Bobby is plugged back into the game on third down. Surely his presence forced the coming punt.

1:59 pm: Terence Newman fumbles the punt return. Patrick Crayton kicks the ball out of bounds instead of 1) bending over to pick it up or 2) falling on it, bringing on a 10-yard penalty. Great job, stupid.

2:02 pm: Crayton looks like he was about to forward lateral the ball as he was brought down on a catch. When it rains, it pours.

2:04 pm: Bobby jogs up to the tackled Tampa punt returner and taps him on the shoulder. Again, just in case the whistle wasn't blown twice.

2:15 pm: Tampa fumbles their punt return and Bobby is RIGHT on the scene. Well, right after the Buc scooped up his own fumble.

2:18 pm: Jenkins picks off a bomb thrown by Leftwich! But it doesn't matter because of illegal contact from Sensabaugh. Ticky-tack call.

2:27 pm: Here come Bobby, rolling into the 3rd and 6. No word whether he'll be in as linebacker or defensive back.

2:29 pm: It's linebacker. And the Bucs just reached our 1-yard line.

2:36 pm: After a lengthy challenge, Tampa leaps into our end zone for the touchdown. Bobby literally dove into the grass. Under the offensive linemen, under the runner, under Keith Brooking. 20-14, Dallas.

2:39 pm: Patrick Crayton clearly drank from the Skoal-laced Gatorade of the defense and took a Romo pass 80 yard to the house. 27-14, Dallas.

2:40 pm: Bobby sees that his shenanigans have helped the team immensely. He begins to sneak a tin of Brooking's Copenhagen into the offense's Gatorade. Just to see what happens.

Meanwhile, Brooking's hunting dogs have made their way to the Dallas sideline, barking encouragement and looking glorious. Just like Brooking wants.

2:44 pm: I could have sworn that was Bobby on the Leftwich hit, but the Cowboy ended up being black. I'm sure that confusion happens a lot.

2:46 pm: Third down means Bobby is in the game. No impact on the play, but Leftwich is taking a beating.

2:47 pm: Instead of paying attention to the game, Wade begins to play with Brooking's hunting dogs on the sideline. Tampa gets a first down.

2:49 pm: ANOTHER third down, another Bobby entrance.

2:49 pm: TACKLE! Bobby wrapped him up something good.

2:50 pm: 4th down, Carpenter is still in the game. Wade only realizes this after he quits playing with Brooking's hunting dogs. The dogs begin to bark to "The Devil Went Down in Georgia."

2:51 pm: Is that Bobby Carpenter or Jack Tatum?? Bobby "The Assassin" Carpenter took out Leftwich's legs and may have inflicted a critical Copenhagen-fueled hit on Tampa's QB. Tampa turns it over on downs.

2:54 pm: Romo rewards Crayton's mental miscues by throwing him the ball for a 44-yard play.

2:55 pm: Brooking's hunting dogs, smelling the rank Big Ten emanating from Bobby, begin to chase him up and down the sideline. The dogs are SEC fans.

2:59 pm: Carpenter gets an arm in for a tackle on Tampa's kickoff return. That's half a tackle, right? A quarter-tackle?

3:00 pm: Bobby stays in the game. This is akin to Red Auerbach lighting his victory cigar during Celtics games. Bobby is the human victory cigar.

3:01 pm: Bobby grabs an ankle on a 2nd down tackle. As Woody Allen says, "80% of success is showing up."

3:02 pm: Bobby shows up on a converted first down, and does his vintage "tap the already downed player" move on the next play.

3:03 pm: Unbelievable! Bobby is literally everywhere. He jogs in a second after the whistle to tap the downed player again. These add up to tackles, kids.

3:03 pm: Once more, Bobby shows up on top of a tackle pile.

3:05 pm: Bobby is finally not on camera for two consecutive plays, though he is on the field. You can't squander that face time. Companies usually have to pay millions for that.

3:07 pm: Bobby is blocked by 6'7 260-lb TE Jerramy Stevens.

3:08 pm: Damned if Wade ain't trying. He sends Carpenter on a blitz at Leftwich, which leads to an early release. That fear is respect.

3:09 pm: That respect quickly turns to disrespect. Kellen Winslow slings Bobby out of the way and catches the ball to pull Tampa inside the 2. Winslow scores a touchdown on the next play. Dallas leads, 34-21.

Bobby probably tried some motorcycle smack-talk. And just like Winslow on a bike, the attempt fell flat.

3:10 pm: A plea to the Cowboys from us: put Bobby in at quarterback when you want to kneel the ball.