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Don’t worry you guys, the title to this blog was a ploy to lure you. So you’d be all like “What kind of bitch ass satan non-woman doesn’t like kids?!” then click the link to find a picture of the wretched creature who wants to beat up babies or whatever. I like kids. I have a niece. She’s great. Babysat her the other day. Triple dog dared her to watch Child’s Play in the dark with me. She wouldn’t. Hates murder. Still think she’s great, even if she did turn down a triple dog dare. I a have a sister-in-law who lectures me about the Rugrats characters like I was born in ’05. Rattles off info to me like I’m some kind of a fool: “Phil and Lil LOVE worms. Tommy is BRAVE! Chuckie is a SCAREDY CAT!“, so I throw her for a real loop and start singing tunes from Reptar on Ice (“Dinosaur, dinosaur, ancient enemy of MAN!“). I still think she’s great even though she thinks I don’t know shit about Stu Pickles’ flood jeans.

See? I love kids. But I still think it’s rude to ask someone “When are you getting pregnant?!” unless you are a family member or friend. I mean, I can relate. I get drunk and beg my friends to marry their boyfriends:

“PLEASE!!!! I’m the ONLY asshole!!!! Just DO IT! YOU LOVE HIM! I think!!! Forget the past!!!!!! LOOK PAST ALL THE REASONS NOT TO!!!! WE COULD DOUBLE DATE!!!! LET’S GO TO NEWBURYPORT THIS SUMMER!!!!? NO?!”

You know who asks a question like “When are you getting pregnant/married/WHATEVER milestone”? An overzealous psychopath with an affinity for Dancing with the Stars, Tyson chicken dinners because “they’re easy”, BOGO sales/over-excessive online couponing. They are people who talk about colors too much and are overenthusiastic about lavender, people in general who say “BOGO”, people who Google “free/fun things to do in the city in the Summer”, and finally: people who look up things to do with sea glass on Pinterest. You want to assume that I am sterile or a monster because I don’t have kids? Fine. I’ll assume that your pocketbook is fake. Bitch.

So anyways, don’t be rude. I could always be rude back and be like “I hate kids.” Have you ever noticed that saying “I don’t like kids” is the most horrifying response you could ever give? It’s pretty awesome. Wicked into myself, hate kids. Boom. Antichrist status for life. ACS4L!