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Saturday, January 30, 2010

Thought I'd share what I've been keeping busy with all evening...
and during most of my couching marathon day today...
I just discovered Photobucket's amazing editing abilities and have been messing around with some of my older and more favourite photo's.

Here's an example. I took this pic on our way home from a camping trip in 2007. Typical rural Ontario scenery. I love it.

What do ya think?
Am considering having one printed out & framed...

It started out...

Then it became...

And the final product...

And here are some other's that are just kinda fun...

Do you have any photo's you would like to see edited?
I'll mess around with 'em for ya!
Which one of the above is your favourite?
Drop me a comment!

Friday, January 29, 2010

1. I have loved journalling my whole life, but don't make enough time for it. Blogging is more convenient, plus I feel a responsibility to my readers to post often. And it's more eco-friendly.

2. I need a place to vent where no body knows my name. All too often I have vented to the wrong person, only to have it come back and bite me in the ass.

3. I love writing and have gotten really rusty at being able to put sentences together that aren't full of slang/ errors. Practice makes perfect.

4.The Global Village effect. I think it's amazing at how small the world is when you're a blogger. I love how I feel "close" to women (and men) around the world because of blogging and twitter.

5. I really need an outlet for my emotional stuff. This is different than venting, its not coming from an angry place.

6. DH is not great at conversing about above mentioned emotional stuff, so I need another support system sometimes.

7. It fills my bored moments (read:insomnia) with something more productive than staring at other people's lives on facebook.

8. I think it will make me more self aware.

9. Reading other peoples blogs is helping me to become more aware (in general) and also less judgmental.

10. I like the feeling that I may be helping someone out there with my words. Even if I'm just letting them know that they are not alone.

11. I like having something that is all mine. DH and I share everything, and spend a LOT of time together. I sometimes feel like I'm not my own person anymore because of that. My blog is helping to counteract that.

12. Three words. Shameless Self Promotion. I wish I could be a rockstar (well, a hippie, indie rockstar). Maybe I'll make it through twitter & blogger.

13. It makes me less lonely.

14. I can obsess endlessly over the aesthetic appeal of my blog and no one has to know about it (oops. I just told you all. this one is now kinda redundant)...

15. I like sharing my randomness with the world. Somehow when it's all writeen out, it doesn't seem like such randomness.

16. I can post whatever I like. Even a top 16 list (and no one can tell me it's dumb to have an arbitrary # like 16 as a top "something" list)

So there they are, just a few reasons why I am a blogger now.
What about you? Would love to hear some of your reasons....
Remember - sharing is caring :)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

While at Blockbuster the other day, my eye, invariably trained for movies about the human condition, fell upon the newest Kevin Spacey movie, Shrink.

I hadn't actually heard of the movie (since I'm stuck under a cable-less rock at the moment) but I am so glad that I picked it up.

It's actually very fitting with my post on private school cliques, and how they determined success, both in high school and after.

I was always in wondrous amazement at how the most popular, most successful girls at my school were the hardest partiers, the most precautions drinkers, the smokers, the snorters, the ne'er do good-ers. This movie really reinforced my thoughts that the (easiest/most traveled) road to fame and fortune really is lined with booze and narcotics. Unlike many other films that have glorified this type of life, Shrink does a phenomenal job of showing the limelight in a much darker sense.

Kevin Spacey is an L.A. psychiatrist, far from the picture of health. His pull towards a half-baked life is fueled by questions that he doesn't know how to face. He does in fact help troubled people find peace, but in the process his most dangerously troubled (and REAL) patient shows him the way back from the deluded lifestyle of his Hollywoodite patients. He learns with his patients (in particular this hard up young girl who is faced with the same type of disquieting grief as he is) and this sort of 'parallel' learning allows him to become more in tune with his work and with his short-comings.

In an intricately woven web of seemingly unconnected characters, this movie portrays the darker side of the glamour that embodies the essence of Hollywood. But despite it's somber nature the movie left me with a feeling of hope for us "normal people".

If only more of our world's youth could realize the huge pitfalls in idolizing and imitating the famous. This movie does a good job of showing what's behind the Hollywood facade - and honestly, it's not so plastic-surgery-perfect.
Behind the botox faces and implanted bosoms are some seriously sad & fucked up people - just like the rest of us.

I finally got my page looking more the way I want it to.
Geez! Who knew it could take this long?
But I am finding a strange (albeit familiar) sense of accomplishment and satisfaction arising from my newly completed look.
It's a feeling that I haven't felt since my drafting days (for my Interior Decorating Certificate)

Since I'm in that frame of mind, I thought I'd post a late Wordless Wednesday. (In my books it's still Wednesday, even though it's way after midnight... I haven't gone to bed yet, so it must still be the same day!)

Here are some pics of some of the drafting I did in college.

The last image is the one that I use on all my company letterhead and invoices. It is an image I came up with, initially for school, but I got such a good response with it I decided to use it as my logo for my business (on my business cards etc.) as well.

Work is slow right now in the design/decorating world, but I'm hoping to slowly but surely rise in my niche. With global awareness rising exponentially and trends surrounding eco-friendly lifestyles on the upswing, I'm confident that my earth-friendly, power-saving (read: money-saving!) natural and organic designs will take flight!

At least in the meantime while I wait for the market to improve, I have my writing, and my newfound obsession of perfecting my blogette stylz!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

This is a bit belated... OK A LOT. But hey - I had a good reason! Trying to use a laptop who's keys don't work makes typing not so fun.
But I'm going to catch up now, I promise.

First order of business? Accepting my blog award from Roxy!
Until now I didn't even know there was such thing - but I'm thrilled & honoured to receive it! Roxy is an amazing woman - so supportive and caring! Thank you for being a friend!

So... I'm told this is how it works:

Thank the person who nominated you for this award. - check!

Copy the award and place it in your blog. - check!

Link the person who nominated you for this award. - HEY! didn't know how to do this before either! learning so much stuff tonight! check!

Tell us 7 interesting things about you. - below...

Nominate 7 bloggers.

Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate. - um... .below!

I nominate: (in no particular order) - Don't mind the twitter names.
I am a lover of anonymity :p

1. I am a musician of sorts - mainly a singer at this point (as you know, and SHOULD VOTE FOR YOUR FAVOURITE NAVE SONG!) but I started off on the piano - got up to grade 8 and then switched to Viola. I played the viola all though high school and into university, but gave it up (though I still regret totally giving it up, and still own my instrument so I'll probably go back sometime soon). My real desire was to play the cello but my high school music teacher told me my hands were too small - I kinda proved her wrong though, in my final year of high school I taught myself to play. Couldn't afford to buy an instrument though :( I also taught myself to play the guitar - but that's purely for fun - I pretty much suck, but I enjoy it so I figure it doesn't matter.

2. I am trained as an interior decorator, but work as a receptionist DH & my home maintenance company (his father started it and left it to him, so I had to quit my other book-keeping/reception job to help him run it), and I dream (DREAM!) of being a writer... Blogging is helping a bit with that dream. At least I'm not getting rustier & mustier as days go by.

3. DH and I have a small zoo in our 2 bedroom apartment. Here's a list of what we currently have (we have been considerably downsizing since starting our TTC journey...)
AHEM....
- 2 dogs (one rottie/sheppard, one rottie/sheppard/pit)
- 2 cats (one is a flame-point siamese, the other I call "sweetcat cutecaticus")
- 1 iguana
- 1 chinese water dragon
- 1 mali euromastyx
- 2 chinese fire-belly toads
- 170 gallon salt water fishtank (used to have over 100 species in it, but again, we're downscaling, so now theres 3 fish and a shrimp in it :p)

4. I have been diagnosed with 4 different mental illnesses.
I don't think I have any of them.

5. I can read very very fast - but that means that I don't always retain everything the first time round, so I wind up having to re-read things a lot.

6. I have lived in Toronto, Ontario (or subburbs of) my whole life.... but I am pretty much sick of it here and can't wait to move further North ( Fertility Chick - you live in my dream spot, pretty much :P) I dream of big open spaces, trees, clean air, nicer people, slower pace.

7. I tend to do what I can to make sure I don't hurt anyone's feelings. This means that my feelings tend to get hurt a lot, because of being uber-flexible. But this is something I am trying to work on. So if I become a bitch suddenly then ya'll know why :p

Ok - so I got more brief as I went on, but you are all welcome to post questions, comments, whatever your hearts desire.
I am an open book :)

Monday, January 25, 2010

Things are pretty much back to normal now (thank goodness) so now I can get to some of the posts I have been scheming up in my head but was too scatter-brained to actually write down

Ok - so, cliques. Totally high school right? So how come, even though I am almost 30 years old, and starting to worry I may not be able to identify with my teenage children, when I finally have them... how come am I still dealing with it all now?!?!?! I was always hoping that it would pass, as adolescence did, as did early university years, my early 20's and... my more innocent days. But here it is - constantly and consistantly staring me in the face.

Mainly from out of facebook's html frames.

I have expressed, in numerous tweets, how I will NEVER go on facebook, ever again. Even D reminded me about 15 min ago (as I hastily checked a fb email from a friend I knew back in elementary school, who tagged me in a pic of me when I was about 9 yrs old. GREAT.) that I swore - NEVER AGAIN! One too many pregnancy announcements, storybook weddings, fairytale vacations, and ab-so-fucking-lutelyone to many of "those girls" on my list. (for those twitter amigas and amigos who wanted to exchange facebook's with me - there you have it... the reason why I won't).

I went to a highly prestigious, very competititve, all girls private school. I started there in gr. 7 and did 5 years (fast-tracked and did 6 years in 5, which pretty much drove me to insanity!) And, as a result of being in this environment during some of the more formative years of my life, my facebook is now filled with high acheiving, mostly quite wealthy, women - who all started IN EXACTLY THE SAME PLACE THAT I DID worked hard to get where they are.

Ok- so let me step back a moment and say - I really do believe that all my high school girlfriends worked extremely hard to get where they got. And despite the fact that I have my moments of insane jealousy (which helps the muse fusing this particular post), I know that I too, if I had made different choices (some of them haven't really felt like choices) and basically, if I had led a different post-high school life, I too could have been in their shoes. Or at least closer. Some had a lot more advantages than I did - my parents had to work really hard to put me through that type of school - and they never let me forget it, nor did I have things handed to me.

But I worked god damn hard too. I had horrid jobs, I started from scratch, without help from my parents, or anyone really... and even when I was at my lowest points mentally&emotionally I still supported myself and was never homeless or starving. Or into hard drugs. It's not fair that some of the choices I made due to my (now past) mental illness are now coming back to bite me in the ass every time I "login"....

I want to be able to travel to different destinations around the world every year (or every few months!)(I have travelled quite a bit in my life, but not at all in the last 10 years) I want to have beautiful pictures of family and friends dressed up to celebrate my wedding.(I am really learning the "art and skill" involved in being a wife - which is why I call D my DH... but we are still just common-law husband & wife)I want to have proud new mommy pictures and turn my fb page into an online shrine for my child (with the odd pic of me in the mix at some point)(well.... we all know the lovely long infertiliy story that goes behind this one)

and so... longer story made shorter.... I am still not in the right "clique".
I'm not a mom.
I'm not a carefree spirit roaming the earth trying to find myself, or at the very least, make things better.
I'm not even techically a wife.

So who am I?

I'm not sure... but the woman whom I find when I finally figure that out, I'm sure that she'll be stronger for having asked these types of questions.
And I do try to help the earth in what measly ways I can - I recycle, when I do work as a decorator I try to use only eco-friendly products/manufacturers, I used to ride my bike everywhere (pre fibromyalgia & endometriosis)...and I plan to use cloth diapers when my TTC dream is finally realized...
So I'm not that bad, from what I do already know :p

Final thought? Even in our darkest hours, there is a lesson learned. No regret, no looking back, move forward and things will enivitably be as they should be*.

*a lesson I learned (but am still trying to LIVE) when I was in dialectical behavior therapy. I used it as a mantra for a while. It helped me.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Please pardon me if I'm depressing today. The last few days have been excruciatingly difficult.
If you are following me on Twitter you know that I had a relationship meltdown on Thursday night, and D left the house for a while. Things are a bit better now but I'm still recovering.
Between the arguing, the quitting smoking (both of us @ the same time, and cold turkey), and with time off of infertility treatments (the only thing stable and positive that I was focused on before.....
I feel like too many things in my life are just too negative.

My uncle's situation in palliative care is going from bad to worse, and as bad as this sounds, there is no relief in sight for him or for us. I miss having a normal family life - we haven't had any good times since last spring.

My health is going from bad to worse - probably because I'm so depressed and barely ever want to leave the house.

If it wasn't for Twitter right now I would be totally and completely isolated.
Sounds so pathetic when I type it out.

I stopped talking to the only close girlfriend I had about 2 months ago because she was completely incapable of comforting me, but expected me to consistantly come to her rescue. I am too tired to rescue someone else, and too tired to entertain someone who calls, leaves a voicemail saying she wants to "catch up" and then says absolutely NOTHING when I call to chat. If I wanted to hear myself speak I would talk to my cats.
I'm actually pretty relieved that I am not speaking with her. My frusteration levels would go through the roof every time I called her in the last little while.

I can't understand people who WANT to be depressed. I spend every day that I am depressed trying NOT to be - and trying to plan activities (even though at the moment they are mostly within my home) to keep busy and not stay sitting like a lump on the couch.(I'm all for marathon couching, sometimes, but you can't do that all the time all day long!) She did not do the same, nor did she encourage or try to participate in any of the stuff that I was trying to plan. She just wanted to sit on her porch smoking cigarettes all day long - and even when I told her I was quitting, she could not respect that fact and would still constantly bring up smoking when we talked. And if I were to come over, she still wanted to sit on the porch smoking cigarettes all day. Same thing happens with emotional cutting. I haven't done it in years, but she constantly still does it. I asked her to please not talk to me about it, she has a great therapist and I feel that those things are better discussed there - especially since I told her that I felt quite triggered and had to work very hard not to fall back into old habits when she would describe her cutting to me. The same thing would happen if she decided to overdose on her medications. I have had issues with that in the past as well, and am doing my best to stay away from that kind of harmful behavior. Sure there are nights when I wish I could just down 5 sleeping pills and knock out for the whole night (normally I sleep maybe 1-2 hours and then wake up). I don't need that kind of temptation. Or lack of support.

Despite the fact that I am relieved to be rid of that particular frusteration, I am still missing female contact. I think that if I had more girlfriends I wouldn't feel so desperately sad about some of the things I'm lacking in my romantic life. Plus I'd probably have a more realistic view on what a romantic relatiionship is really like, 'cuz right now I compare our life to that which I see in the movies... and, lets face it, that's probably enough to make anyone depressed.

I'm not giving up on my happiness though. I don't know what it's going to take to get there - but I'll figure it out eventually.

I've mentioned a few times on this blog that I've always had a tendancy towards the melancholic side of things... inspired by Dexter(sorry! You know I'm totally obsessed lately!), a "dark passenger" if you will (only mine doesn't make me kill people - it just makes me overanalytical and slightly woebegone). But like him, it has made me feel isolated, alone, as if I had this secret that the rest of the world didn't understand. And like him, I didn't know where this comes from, but I've recently discovered that it might just be genetic.

Before I get into full mode on this post I'd like to say this: I know that some of the women I follow on Twitter are in the process of filling out adoption papers. This post is about the other side of that, the side of the adoptee, and I just wanted that to be known up front in case it's too sensitive for some to be reading right now.

I am adopted, you see, so those forms that you have to fill out at a doctor's office are quite a bit shorter for me - never able to fill in the blank spots where it says "family history". Until now.

In Ontario, until June of 2009, adoption records were closed. Meaning I knew nothing. Nothing at all - even though my Mom (though adopted, she's still my mom, 100%) knew a bit. She kept me sheltered from what little she knew until recently, when I began to express a litte more interest. Not that I didn't always know I was adopted, but I didn't know the particulars. But last year, when the laws around adoption in Ontario changed, and I knew that I would actually be able to get somewhere without becoming Nancy Drew (was gonna put Deb Morgan here, to continue on the whole Dexter thing... too much?), I approached my Mom and she gave me the documents she did have. She had the report from the Children's Aid about my birth parents and their families, and when I read it I would be lying if I said I wasn't shocked at all the similarities. It was like I was reading a document written about me. Their hobbies, their tendancies, and what struck home the hardest was my birth mother's "tendancy towards the melancholic".

I had never even used the word melancholic to describe myself before. I always used "depressed", "down", even "manic" at times, but never that particular word. It's wierd, because after I read that sentance about my birth mother, I realized that melancholic really is the perfect word for me. It makes me feel not so... depressing! It sounds more romantic, more soft, less whiny.

So, although I now know my birth mother's name, her birthtown, and how she met my birth father and conceived me, the one thing that I think about and am most grateful for knowing is that I am melancholic - just like my birth mother, and that is ok. I'm not sure how much farther I will take my curiosity. She lived in a small town about an hour and 1/2 away from where I live, and I've been playing with the thought of going there to see what I can find out - but again, that's a bit too Nancy Drew for me.

I may just settle with what I've got, which is much more than I had before when I was floating around not having the slightest clue as to why I was the way I was.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I've been kind of out of circulation on Twitter today and yesterday because, in addition to my severe Dexter addiction, I have also re-started an old project that I began when I first quit smoking about 7-8 weeks ago. (so kicking myself in the pants for not noting that exact date now! I really didn't think that it would stick... ) I knew right off that I would need to find something to do with my hands (keep your mind outta the gutter, people!) so I started knitting a baby blanket.

Now, since I am on a Clomid break, and not in the full swing of TTCing, because of various reasons (money, identity crisis, to name a couple) I thought I had to change the direction of said blanket. Because it's just depressing me, and remind me of the unsurities that I am dealing with.

I have however already purchased a great array of wool, suited to a baby (boy or girl colours) and have already thought up the scheme for it.

So, while I am not twittering, I am making a blanket that is, or is not, for my future baby. And if it has to sit, along with my secret IKEA baby blanket, stashed away in the back corner of my linen closet, so be it. At least I'll be ready - and it kind of makes me feel pro-active again. Like, ok, so we're broke, and I can't be on Clomid, or do the trigger shots, or the progesterone after... but I CAN eat better, continue to not smoke(which the knitting TOTALLY helps with by the way), try to excersize ( which I have yet to manage to do- by the time I walk up the big hill out side our building after a dog walk, I'm officially K.O)... and, I CAN make my spirit baby a blanket.

Monday, January 18, 2010

I have been M.I.A for 2 days because I have been stuck in Dexter Heavan.
Episode after episode I sit, glued to my tv, waiting to see who will be next on Dexter's radar. (Btw, he is the yummiest serial killer EVER).

Saturday, January 16, 2010

So, even though I was up at an ungodly hour this morning... I have decided.
Today IS going to be a GREAT day!
Despite the fact that I forgot about the run in that my laptop had with my un-lidded Subway 7-up and turned it on this morning ( but it turned on! YAY!) ....
Despite the fact that after I turned it on, and went to make tea (at the ungodly hour) I stepped with faith into the pitch dark kitchen, knowing that D vacuumed & cleaned up yesterday and... SPLASH! The sink overflowed and flooded the kitchen & dining room.
Despite the fact that my 'c' button has fallen off my keyboard and I now have to type this blog with my desktop's keyboard balanced on top of my laptops sickly one... and I just searched desperately for the mouse pad on the desktop keyboard... for like 5 min... before * aha!* I have to lift it OFF the actual laptop first!
Despite the fact that when I shifted around to get comfy just now my laptop ( which can not survive even a moment without it's lifeline) came unplugged. Thank god for Blogger Autosave.
Despite the fact that I have to see my parents later... this is not really a bad thing, just, considering the circumstances right now in our family, it may prove to be rather depressing... but it's my Daddy's 62nd birthday so I gotta try and make him smile. At least for a bit. But more on that stuff another time.
Today will be a good day. A great one even.
I was quite an insomniac last night and I realized a few things. Namely;
1. I have gained 60 lbs in 3.5 years!
2. I am completely out of shape wheras 4 years ago I could bike from Birchmount & Finch to the Beaches (for you non Torontontians... that's pretty damn far - hold on I'll check the mileage on Google Maps....10 miles... or 16.7 km... and I was still able to walk the next day (sitting was a different story. Oh, the bruising!)
3. I have now quit smoking cigs. This fact ALONE means a lot. I was in a serious love affair with my DuMauriers. But I left 'em in the dust. So if I can do that, I can go back to looking, acting and feeling how I did 4 years ago. EVEN WITH Fibromyalgia... right?
Right.
I've been carrying the financial assistance forms for the YMCA in my purse for over a week. Need to go do it, but we're pretty tight at the moment so Wii Fit will have to do for now (for a couple weeks, 'till some of our outstanding cheques start comin' through the mail slot!!! DAMN DELIQUENTS!)

And, I went to Chapters and bought books on a fertility diet, so before I go for groceries I am gonna actually look through that book and make a list so that I'm not wandering aimlessly looking for pregnant women in the store so I can buy what they are eating....

So today will be a great day. Even though when I read this blog to D just now (hoping for some kind of positive reaction)... well.... lets just not even go there. Smile, nod & DO MY THANG. (sorry... in the process of finding a new mantra)

Friday, January 15, 2010

It's there. The glimmer of excitment, the spark of motivation, the beginning of my next positive wave. I'm starting to see it in the distance.

In retrospect - could this past episode of extended darkness have been off-clomid (therefore disguised in a cloak of soul shattering doubt) PMS? I can be moody but it doesn't generally linger on and on for days at a time....

Who knows. Who gives a fuck. I'm just glad that I can see the end now.

To my followers who stayed through (and read about ) my dark & depressing few days - THANKS! I appreciate the support more than you know.

Ok - so on to more interesting things.

Today I did an impulsive but albeit very profitable and mood-lifting thing.
D and I went to the Peanut Plaza to get some stuff from the dollar store (mainly an old school corded phone which will work better with our Magic Jack than a cordless. *sidenote, if you don't have a MagicJack and you call people long distance.... GET ONE! $20.00 a year. Unlimited. Need I say more!...)....

But I digress...

Beside the dollar store is this hole-in-the-wall herbal tea/supplement store. I've never gone inside before - much preferring the brightly lit isles of the local GNC Stores, or even my Shopper Drugmart has a pretty good selection nowadays... but today, I went in.

The man in there was so helpful, knew exactly what I wanted/needed before I had even finished saying "infertility, endometriosis, fibromyalgia". And I got some stuff for D too- maybe his horrid eating habits can be slightly improved if I force vitamins down his throat. In the end I wound up only spending $60.00 and I got prenatal vitamins for me, multi vitamins for D and L-Arginine for D as well. And he also had 2 chinese herbal vitamins I had been looking for - Ho Shou Wu Tablets and Angelica Compound Tablets. Fantastic! I was so ecsctatic I can't even explain it in words. Like, jump up and down in front of the shy, quiet store man ecstatic.

We are seasonal workers, meaning we don't operate full time in the winter, and we pretty much put ourselves in the poor house at the fertility clinic. A one month cycle of Clomid, trigger shot & progesterone, not including the reccomended vitamins for D cost over $500 at the clinic! Not included the reccomended IUI's (which we haven't been able to afford to do yet. Hoping to in the spring) The worst thing was that those treatments didn't even have any hope of improving the reasons behind our infertility problems. And the fact that I am in a ridiculous amount of pain and can't work, or function, makes me kinda sorta wanna know... WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING!?! The whole reason I went to the clinic in the first place was the pain & obvious issues with my menstral cycle. And my fertility doctor just is not interested solving those issues. She just wants me preggo. And don't get me wrong, I want that too, but I have issues (physical and emotional) that needed resolving first. She was initially supposed to have been operating on me to just to see if I had endometriosis, and the next thing I knew I was on Clomid & in the middle of a battle with time for my future child.

This more hollistic approach to gaining back my fertility just may be the key to my worries. It gives me time to resolve some of the issues within my relationship with D so that episodes of doubt like the last one don't have to happen.

If anyone has ever taken any of the Chinese Herbal Medicine tablets I mentioned before, I'd REALLY love to hear from you! Positive or negative experiences. I am trying these things because we can't afford to do medical treatment at the moment. I have no clue if they work but I'm more than willing to try. I've been trying my best to stay "herbal" for the last several years. I would be so blissfully happy if I managed to get preggo via Chinese Herbal Medicine vs. more invasive Western Medical techniques.

I leave you now to work on a new blog I am starting - going to leave you with a bit of mystery, but I promise, I will reveal all soon!

Oh! And leave some comments, will ya? I tore my hair out this afternoon fixing my layout, and I certainly hope that it fixed any comment posting issues. :)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Today has been a really really dark day for me. And before I even get really into this post I'll say this:Readers be prepared, I'm emotional, full of doubt, unleashed and I'm coming straight at ya.

As some of you know, I've been in and out of bad relationships for the last several years. I really and truly thought that the one that I'm currently in was "it" ... or is "it"... I'm so mixed up right now I don't even know what tense to be using. There were all the stereotypical "signs" that we are meant to be, all the feelings, all the "right" milestones coming along at the "right" times... and then this came. This darkness or depression that always seems to come to any romantic relationship I've ever been in. Which generally leads me to believe that I am the one at fault.

It always creeps in, reminding me that I've never really been blissfully happy. Even as a child I felt this shadow that clouded my happiness. And as I've grown into adulthood, I realize that even though this is a problem that is all mine, and not the other person's, it is not my fault. I don't know what it is that is in me to make me feel this way, but it's there, and I'm sick of pretending that it isn't.

Having said that, however, I am also acutely aware of the fact that certain people bring this melancholic tendancy out of me, and certain people help me to get past it. And the thing that I've gotten stuck on now is that I am so afraid that the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, the man I'm desperately trying to have children with, is in fact the first out of those two types of people. And I'm so scared and sad now.

I am honestly starting to feel that he doesn't actually love "me"... but instead the concept of me and who I could be. The idea that I presented, nice and neat, in a package just for him. He hadn't tried to get me, I tried to get him. And I was in a dfferent mental state at the time, so motivated, so physically healthy, so.... inspired. I don't feel like I am any of those things anymore. And I am starting to notice signs that he doesn't think so anymore either. And I'm fucking scared shitless of what that means.

Is this relationship really going to be another epic NaVe Fail? I can't accept that reality. My last 2 serious relationships were just that... but those were abusive, manipulating men... this one isn't.... right? Usually when I've felt like this, it was the wake up call, the signal to exit. I don't even see an exit this time. I never planned to exit. I never planned for any of this.

I am missing the drive & motivation that came with our actively trying to conceive.

I don't mean to say that we aren't "trying" right now (still doing our 'baby dance' on a regular, sperm motivating & inducing rate), but I am on a clomid break. Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that this break has not been an easy one so far. I haven't seen a substantial difference in my crazy night sweats, extreme fatigue, depression and most importantly the good ol' clomid rage.

To be honest, I am not 100% sure that my freak outs are clomid rage related. Winter is always a hard time for me, especially in the last couple of years. My guy and I run a home-maintenance business from home so winter time means that he is home with me all day. Every day. Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces, but 24/7 exposure can be too much even in the best of circumstances. And we also just quit smoking. Together.

So now I'm faced with this question: Am I getting mad at him for reasons that are justified? Or am I just raging?

Normally I try to not overanalyze these kinds of things to the extreme. Of course I do a little, but I try to not drive myself insane about the source of my emotions. But in this case I'm really perplexed. If I am indeed justified in my anger, that puts a whole series of doubts & questions into my head that I just really try not to think about most of the time. In particular: "should I be trying so hard to have a baby with a man that I get so frusterated with?"

And to add into my mix of confusion, I've been given a time limit on my fertility that I was really really not expecting. Is that a good enough reason? I'm meant to be a mother, and have known that pretty much since I got my first period. Is that a good enough reason? Do I want to have a baby with the thought that that baby may wind up growing up in a split up home in the back of my head? I know I could be a single mom, and a great one, but do I want to do that "knowingly"?

I know that ups and downs in relationships are normal, so I often pasify myself with this knowledge. But that knowledge is not doing much for me in the last week or so. I find myself daily questioning where I am, why I'm here and if I should be making a change or not.

I almost wish that I was on the clomid so that I could explain away all these questions and blame it on being hormonal...

And right now I'm actually grateful for one of the complaints that I've had about hubby lately - the fact that he doesn't read this blog made it much easier to be totally open & honest!

Monday, January 11, 2010

I've been meaning to do a "who am I" series of posts since I started this thing... but it seems life's little ups & downs keep dragging me from my plans. Tonight is the night tho. At least for part of my story... Here I go. I'll start back in 1999. I graduated from high school a year early (in Ontario we used to have 13 grades, I "fast-tracked" to get out early). I hadn't planned on doing this throughout the course of my high school education, but a summer trip to Oxford, England made me realize that I really needed to get out on my own. ASAP. So as soon as I returned to Toronto I high-tailed it to my high school and changed around my whole schedule so that I could finish a year ahead.

As brilliant as that plan had been (to get out of my parents' stifling home), I pretty much lost my mind that final year of high school. Too much stress I suppose - my school was a high-pressure, fancy-shmancy all girls private school, and I was taking a more than full course load, all while doing an insane amount of extra-curriculars. I officially burnt out in March 1999, started cutting, and wound up in the psych ward at the hospital.

Before that, I had always felt that there was 'something' in me that kept me from acheiving happiness. I was always melancholy, a bit dark, introspective (though not shy) and had brief bouts of depression/eating problems from the age of 13+. They came to a peak in 1999 and I started my journey into the world of psychiatric medicine.

I'm not going to bore you with all the details, but basically I have been on almost every anti-depressant there is, have had 4 different diagnosis', and in the end... I really don't think there was a need for any of it. In fact, I think some of my problems have stemmed from being put on the wrong medications at too young an age. More about that in another post...

Those trials & tribulations lasted from 1999 to about 2004. During that span of time I went through 2 extremely abusive relationships, was kicked out of my parents' home (after having to come back from residence life at University due to mental health issues), and basically did a whole shit load of stuff that I either can't remember or am totally ashamed of.(I may write more candidly about this part of my life in a later post as well, theraputic reasons mostly, I think it would be good to finally owe up to some stuff and just move on)

But for now... Lets skip to the part where things start getting better.

I wound up living in Government Housing (ok, so that's not the getting better part, but it's coming I promise!) in a really crappy & dangerous neighbourhood with a really abusive guy. That was not a good time in my life, but I have to mention it in the "getting better" chapter because that's where I met & fell for my hubby. We were roomies while I was with "the looseball" (that's what we both call him now) and we became close friends really quick due to our common love of all things animal. We also had so many other things in common, and he made me laugh, and laughter was so foreign to me at the time. I had pretty much been living through 5 years of total hell up until then.

Being friends with him gave me the confidence to move out of that hell hole, and in 2005 I got my first real apartment, and my first real home as an independant person.

I lived in my pretty pink & white girly space for a year before I decided that I just HAD to tell future-hubby what my feelings were....

And luckily he reciprocated!

After that it was a pretty quick turn-around from my one and only year as a single woman, to being in a wifey roll. He moved in, bringing his various reptiles, giant fish tanks and 2 big dogs with him ( much to the dismay of my only kitty at the time, Sessie, who lived in my walk in closet for a month before re-staking her territory from the dogs). Did I mention I had been living in a bachelor apartment?? It was... cozy!

After about 4 months of tripping over fish tanks & animals we realized we really really needed to get a bigger place and so we moved away from my beautiful apartment (which was in a GREAT part of town) and got the 2 bedroom apartment we live in now, which is in a part of town I really don't like. Now it's just about saving that dough so we can get a house.

Things are pretty calm now in my life, other than the medical aspect of things (infertility, fibromyalgia, endometriosis) And for that I am grateful. It gives me time to think about the things that I want to improve, instead of just being in emotional crisis mode all the time.

I am getting better at facing my past - hopefully blogging about it will help to make it truly my PAST, and not just baggage that I carry around in the present. 'till next time!

So this morning we got up out of bed to find that our chameleon, Phlangey, is no longer with us. I have never owned a lizard before being with my guy, but I actually got kind of attached to the little guy. We bought him 3 years ago from a pet shop that, to be honest, really shouldn't be a pet shop.We got a lot of our "rescue" lizards from there.

Phlangey was a fastinating guy. He loved his bugs (I think he masterminded a plot to have crickets breeding endlessly in his habitat - I know we sure didn't do that on purpose!!!) and he loved to hiss and bite people :p Not the friendliest of lizards, but he was stunning to look at as he changed colours to suit his environment.

We aren't certain why Phlangey didn't live as long as we'd hoped. We'd estimate he was about 3 1/2-4 years old and they should live 5-8 years. Not sure if that's in captivity or just in general.

My only hope (and only worry) is that the Topper the Cat didn't have something to do with it. Stress wise only - he never got into the habitat at him physically. But Topper would frequently watch Phlangey - and in fact, I think Phlangey may have taught Topper to hiss! We tried our best to keep him away from the habitat, but when Mommy's away, cat's like to play....

Anyways, we are sad today at the loss of one of our beloved little zoo.

RIP Phlangey!

pls. excuse DH's mountain man appearance in this photo! Sometimes I just can't get him to shave it off :p

Ok.So I am officially done fucking around with my blog layout.If you don't like it then.... DON'T READ ME.

Ahem.I think I feel better now...

Phew ... Just spent the last 4 + ???? hours working on this thing.I think I finally like it.After deleting it like 3 times by mistake.

Oh dear - I love computers!This was SOOOO not the blog I had planned for tonight but I have the WORST migraine now.

By the way - I was not serious above. If you don't like something about the new layout, esp. the colours (ie. if it is hard to read, hard on the eyes, etc etc) please feel free to comment below. I'm not officially done, just done for tonight ;)

Friday, January 8, 2010

So, my hubby just came into the living room to announce that Topper the Cat is making love to my bathrobe which is piled up on top of the sleeping bag which is waiting to be cleaned after our snowy experience over New Years. So that you can envision approximately how funny this looks - please watch....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB076OyzrGs

The difference with that show and this morning's show, was that Topper was perched atop laundry mountain... making love to what would equal the largest, fattest cat in the world. His train of thought..." Don't worry big mama - I gots ya!"

I've always wondered if I'm alone in the randomness that is my life... I've always felt at odds - as an adoptee, only child, daughter of overachievers, and recently, just when I thought I was going to get to start a family of my own to finally fit into, I've been deemed infertile. So, now I've started reaching out online to find that really there are more of "my kind" than I thought. Not so alone after all! I have never really been good at reaching out to people, so I guess blogging is my attempt at getting past that... My new Twitter friends have really been inspiring! Here's hoping that I'll reach into cyberspace and you all will continue to reach back!

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About Me

I'm 29 and trying to live life to it's fullest - despite some roadblocks along my way.
Still in the process of becoming "un-jaded" so pardon my periodic pessimism please.
I'm told I'm generally sweet, (though recent fertility battles have brought out a hormonal beast!) however occasionally meloncholy. I usually have my reasons.
I've always been one to vent out on paper so now I invite you to take a peak and hopefully I won't alarm anyone!

Lovin' Buttons....

Inspire....

The stuff I rant, take photos of, write poetry about, sing etc. etc. etc. is MINE. You can't have it! Imitation is the highest form of stupidity NOT flattery.
Trying to be ME is definitely not a sign of intelligence! If you do happen to have the urge to impersonate me then please at least have the courtesy to tell me first.
I don't want to go out there and run into myself online.
That would be scary.