How Taking An Antidepressant Has Changed My Life

Hey guys – happy Thursday (and Happy Groundhog’s Day!). Will we be having an extended winter?…

Anyway, how has your week been? I have to say, mine’s been pretty good.

I began Monday feeling well-rested, I took a challenging-but-refreshing BODYPUMP class on Tuesday night, I sailed into a new month on Wednesday, and here we are—almost to the weekend!

And did I mention that Bazooka is still sleeping WONDERFULLY in his new bed?!!!

Truth be told, I had many different thoughts running through my mind this week about what I wanted to write about for today, but none of them seemed right (perhaps another time).

And then I thought about positive changes over the last several months—and I feel much of that (not all, of course) can be attributed to my finally admitting that my anxiety was beyond my control and agreeing to try an antidepressant.

I’m proud of myself for making some positive changes, and I owe many thanks to my husband who gave me the boost and encouragement I needed to take these steps.

How Taking an Antidepressant Has Changed My Life

1. I’m more fun to be around.

I don’t mean fun as in “let’s go drinking and dancing” kind of fun. I simply mean that being in the same room with me is no longer anger-inducing.

Before I began taking my SSRI and seriously thinking about the repercussions of my actions, I wasn’t very pleasant to be around. I worried about everything, I was snippy with others, and I often though the worst of everything. Now, I am “lighter,” and I think people enjoy my company.

2. I don’t worry about my son all the time.

Of course I still worry about my son (and his health, happiness, care at school, future, etc.—and I always will!) sometimes, but I don’t worry about these things incessantly.

When we went through various tests to figure out why Bazooka wasn’t gaining weight like “normal” babies (uh…genes?), I went down a deep and dark spiral. I hated myself and the mother I was. I doubted every decision I made—continuing to breastfeed and which solids to introduce—and I spent hours googling every genetic disorder possible, convinced something horrible was wrong.

Now, when Bazooka doesn’t eat more than 2 bites at dinner I’m frustrated, but I shrug my shoulders and tell myself “at least he ate a good lunch” or “he’ll just be hungry at breakfast.” He is tiny, but he’s healthy, vibrant, inquisitive, and active just like every other 2-year old boy I know.

3. I’m not afraid to stand up for myself or take chances

For most of my life, I’ve unfortunately been one of those people who will just “suck it up” or “take one for the team” even if I feel I’m being treated unfairly. It’s almost like I’d rather be miserable than take a chance at ruining whatever situation I’m in (be it a job or something else).

Well, this year, it’s like I discovered some hidden confidence, and while I won’t go into details on the blog, I took a chance, brought some things to my superiors’ attention, and make a good argument for certain changes to my situation since there were several things about it that were unfair.

And you know what?

They listened. Things took a while to be resolved, but they were, and they were resolved in a bigger way than I’d anticipated. What a great feeling! 🙂

4. I’m less rage-y

I never thought I was depressed because I rarely experienced bouts of crying or hopelessness. Instead, I experienced depression more similarly to men—through rage. I never thought I would hurt Bazooka, but I’ve definitely experienced rage-filled moments where I just had to yell obscenities, beat up the floor (I know—what did the floor ever do to me?!), or think about harming myself. Oh, and the road rage…

Now, though, I get upset like any other person, but I control it better. I’m able to think before I react inappropriately. I’m much less angry at the world when things don’t go my way.

5. I have more empathy

Back in college (and before), I was sadly prone to holding grudges. I consider myself to be a nice person and I generally get along with anybody I meet, but if a person rubs me the wrong way or hurts me once, I don’t forget it.

In a way, that attitude was a lack of empathy, because I didn’t allow myself to understand where the other person was coming from. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that we say or do things for many, many reasons—justified or not.

Because I’ve said and done things as a result of my anxiety and depression, I now understand that others do the same. They may act selfishly because they really are hurting. They may feel there is no other alternative except for their current actions, feelings, etc.

6. I’m still me

6 months later, my weight has barely gone up (and that’s probably a result of holiday eating, not the pills), I still have the same dry and sometimes-dark sense of humor, I still have the same passions and ambitions, and I can still write (I’m not the only person who was afraid to lose that ability).

When people think about antidepressants or antipsychotics, they imagine a personality 180. A vibrant person becomes a zombie, an emotional person is void of emotions. I promise you, though, that is not the case. While I may be calmer in situations that normally caused me significant stress, I’m still the same person—I’m just a better version of myself.

Reader Interactions

Comments

I feel like I could have written this, except I wasn’t on them long because I got pregnant and the benefits didn’t outweigh the possible side effects for e. But, I’m glad you wrote this. I was just thinking yesterday how I never shared about this and I feel like I felt ashamed, but there’s nothing to be ashamed with. My anxiety was out of control. If I feel like that with this kiddo, I’ll be getting help way sooner than I did last year. Which are you on? Did you notice you are always hungry and never full? Maybe not always hungry but I was never full and just curious if that was just me, ha.Heather @Lunging Through Life recently posted…Quick and Easy Toddler Valentines Day Gift for Daddy

It’s crazy how much pregnancy and having a child can mess with our hormones/mental health. I think I’ve always had issues, but they didn’t become unmanageable until after I had my son.

Actually, my appetite is about the same or maybe even less than it was before I started meds. I’m taking Lexapro so maybe different ones have different side effects related to hunger…who knows?Catherine recently posted…How Taking An Antidepressant Has Changed My Life

I am on Lexapro as well. I started about a year and a half ago and its been a huge help. I still worry and get stressed but its not the overwhelming, cry every day feeling like before. I also dont notice a change in my appetite. So glad this has been brought up 🙂

I think it’s great that you are open and honest with your struggles with anxiety, because there is such a bad stigma surrounding it. You putting your story out there makes others feel less alone and might be the push they need to seek the help they need. I’m so glad you are seeing positive results from your medication!

Thanks, Heather. There really is a stigma. Even though my husband works in mental health, I always thought “no, I don’t NEED medication.” I was fine with others taking it, but I guess I had that “I can fix myself” mindset. My only regret is not starting them sooner!Catherine recently posted…How Taking An Antidepressant Has Changed My Life

Thank you so much for writing this post, Catherine. I have been a long time reader and I have always admired your honesty. I think I need to be taking something and I know that reading this post today was a sign that I need to see my doctor. May I ask you which antidepressant you have had success with? I know everyone is different, but I am in need of some advice. I relate to all of your points made in your post…the rage, the problems with my family, the anger….ugh. Thank you for listening.

Thank you, Ann. My doctor started me on Lexapro which I know is one of the standard meds that a lot of docs start their patients on. Like you said we’re all different but I like that I haven’t had a ton of side effects with this one. I’ve heard it’s milder in that regard.
I hope whatever route you take that you find success. It would be nice to eventually not need the medication, but I’m just taking things one day at a time until something changes (good or bad). Please feel free to email me if you need any encouragement 🙂Catherine recently posted…How Taking An Antidepressant Has Changed My Life

I’ve actually thought about going this route for me (once I’m no longer pregnant). I definitely feel anxiety, worry, and moodiness effect my life and my interactions with others! I love that you wrote this post and I wish it was more common for people to share things like this. There’s such a stigma around medicating yourself and it’s way too negative!Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…February Goals & Intentions

Thanks, Heather.
Oh man, pregnancy is definitely a whirlwind. If there’s one thing I can offer you, it’s the advice to REACH out to your doc postpartum if something doesn’t feel right. I don’t think I had PPD necessarily, but I do think (in hindsight) that I had more than the typical “baby blues” when it came to my anxiety and stress with dealing with a newborn. Thankfully I love my son more than anything and it’s gotten easier (although toddlerhood is it’s own crazy experience, haha).Catherine recently posted…How Taking An Antidepressant Has Changed My Life

I’ve never taken anti-depressants and must admit, when I was in my worst depressed states 5 or 6 years ago, the stigma kept me from wanting to take anything. Thankfully I am not in that place anymore, but if I was, I would be open to it. As I’ve matured and learned more about mental health, I think that all people are different. Would you tell someone who has a headache not to take something for it? Of course not! I am thankful for the resources for mental health and how much my opinion has changed.Ellie Pell recently posted…Resources for those feeling lost

“Would you tell someone who has a headache not to take something for it? Of course not!” < --EXACTLY.
I think the stigma kept me from trying something sooner, which is such a shame. I'm so glad to hear that you are no longer in that dark place and were able to come out without medication. I would be lying if I said I didn't hope to get off them one day, but right now they seem to be helping tremendously. Take care, Ellie!
Catherine recently posted…How Taking An Antidepressant Has Changed My Life

I took an antidepressant after having my son (who is now four). He was a preemie and when home with a trach and feed tube and cerebral palsy diagnosis. Every day was hard. I know I needed that antidepressant to help me be a better mother. It was worth going against any stigma it might carry.Jamie@TheMomGene recently posted…A Blogger Thank You

YES. I feel that medication helps me be a better mother to my son. Without it, just simple tasks stressed me out and I can only imagine how much tougher it would be with a preemie and diagnosis like that. <3 <3Catherine recently posted…How Taking An Antidepressant Has Changed My Life

Antidepressants were my life-line for a solid 6 or so years. I have zero regrets about them. They didn’t change me necessarily, but they allowed me to be me! Or helped me to discover who I was meant to be.
I am so happy you took a chance and reaped the benefits (I know they don’t work for everyone). I no longer have to them, but if my symptoms became uncontrollable again and therapy didn’t work, I’d go back to them.Kate recently posted…Sometimes busy is worth it

It’s so great to hear you had such success with them (and that you no longer need them). I hope I can say the same one day. It would be nice to get off them one day and if I ever decide to have another child I’ll probably need to, but right now they are working and I feel significantly better with my everyday life.Catherine recently posted…How Taking An Antidepressant Has Changed My Life

Posts like this are so necessary to lessen the stigma of using antidepressants so thank you for opening up about your experiences. It’s great meds like these exist in the first place so people choosing to use them shouldn’t be seen as weak or looked down upon.
When I was at a worse state mentally one of my doctors suggested I take some medication. But I’ll be honest in saying I feared getting addicted too much to give it a try despite the fact it might have hada tremendous positive effect on my life.Miss Polkadot recently posted…Happiness – just a change of perspective?

Thanks so much. I was fearful of the same thing when I first discussed meds with my doctor, which is one reason I’m so glad the first medication we tried (and one of the more “gentle” ones, I guess you could say) seems to be working. Even though I wouldn’t refuse an antibiotic for an infection or some other physical medication, it IS kind of scary to think of something altering your brain chemistry. But thank goodness I still feel like me – just a calmer, more focused me 🙂Catherine recently posted…How Taking An Antidepressant Has Changed My Life

I’m so grateful for your honesty in this and most of all, I’m grateful you are doing well and able to write this post. I hope this can be me in a few months too. I’m greatly struggling with anxiety right now and for a long time have told myself that it’s just my life circumstances at the moment. But they are going to get any easier and my life just keeps going on but I feel like I do not and anxiety takes over. It’s so hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have anxiety. It’s not “just the way I am” though.

Thank you for spreading awareness and demystifying some of the beliefs around mental illness. It’s a real issue that I think we’re still so behind in as a culture.Melissa recently posted…Baby #2: 2nd & 3rd Trimester Update

Thanks, Melissa.
I hate that you are going through a tough time. I totally understand the “must be my life circumstances” thing because, even though my life is relatively normal and stres-free, I felt the same way. I was convinced I just had a bad personality trait!
I hope you are able to transition well from one baby to two. Take care <3<3Catherine recently posted…King Cake Cookies (Only 4 ingredients!)

My sister after giving birth got depression, Catherine. It happened each time she gave birth; she has two kids. While on depression she wasn’t thinking straight, couldn’t see the positive in anything and she also wanted to avoid taking the anti-depressants. However, when she gave in and took them, she got better. She was able to stop the antidepressants after a few weeks. I believe she took SSRI too.Leo Tat @ Authority Diet recently posted…13 Best Healthy Foods to Eat While You’re Pregnant

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A Cup of Catherine documents my life and sometimes my workouts and meals. The content you see is based solely on my own personal experiences, and the views I express are mine alone. I am not a doctor, dietician, or personal trainer, so please consult a professional if you are making fitness or dietary changes.

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