This next video is my oldest daughter Kylie dancing at dance competition when she was still in High School about seven years ago.

Kylie chose this song and choreographed this dance herself…

and she dedicated this dance for me…. her mom… her bipolar mom.

I had been in a very bad deep dark dangerous suicidal depression and had been in and out of the psychiatric hospital at the time.

My daughter was telling me and reminding me that…

Heaven don’t want me, not yet until God is ready for me. He decides that, I don’t.

Plus, I think this was her way to tell me and show me how much she loves me and also it shows how scared she was and how diffciult my illness must have been for her.

The words “heaven don’t want me” spoke to me very loudly at that time in my life telling me, reminding that I needed to stay alive. I must stay alive.

Heaven is not ready for me yet. HEAVEN DON”T WANT ME.

I felt these words related a lot to bipolar disorder, mental illness and suicide and ME.

Music “Hiding Under Water” ~by Beth Hart

performed and choreographed by

my daughter Kylie

“Hiding Under Water” Lyrics

by Beth Hart

Heaven don’t want me
Heaven don’t fool me
No one will understand
And it’s all right
I’m feeling these changes
Everybody is strangers
No one will give a damn
And I guess that’s life

You say you got a feeling
You figured out the writing on the wall
And angels on the ceiling
Don’t come to you when you call
So you found your own religion
And searched your heart for something more
Still naked in the kitchen
Trying to wipe yourself off of the floor

No I won’t take you for granted
These broken arms can hold you
No I won’t take you for granted

You say it don’t matter
You’re living loud and living long
And hear the phony laughter
Echoing on and on
I’m hiding under water
I pray to God wash me away
Can’t hear the child’s wonder
My innocence got hushed along the way

No I won’t take you for granted
These broken arms can hold you
No I won’t take you for granted
No I want leave you abandoned
This broken heart can love you still
No I won’t take you for granted

And you don’t say a word
Inside I know
And you don’t say that it hurts
Tonight killed slowly
All the love in the world
Won’t let you let go
Let you let go now

Hold on your soul will rise again
I know that it will
Hold on your soul will rise again
I know that it will
Hold on your soul will rise again
I know that it will

Maybe heaven will want me
Maybe heaven won’t fool me
Maybe someone will give a damn
And I’ll have a life
You say you got a feeling

Copyright By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content. Dance and all choreography Copyright By Kylie Williams (With the exclusion of music and video “Hiding Under Water” by Beth Hart).

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Published by myloudbipolarwhispers

It is my passion in life to help others in as many ways as I can. I want to share my story to help others know they are not alone and to increase awareness and educate about bipolar disorder, PTSD and all mental illnesses. I also want to reduce the stigma of mental illness and the stigma associated with suicide and to prevent suicides and save lives.
I have given many presentations to share my story, inspire others, increase awareness, educate and reduce the stigma of mental illness and suicide. I have given presentations at a local University, spoken as a certified NAMI presenter and spoke to police officers and social workers for their Crisis Intervention Training. I have also been interviewed by our local newspaper and news station to share my story.
I want to be a voice for the many people that cannot speak up for themselves. I want to make my voice heard loud and strong for many to hear and learn from and prayerfully be inspired from.
I have written one book titled "My Bipolar Memoir of Poetry and Hope" which is a compilation of my many poems and prose to share my story and journey of living, surviving and thriving with bipolar disorder. My book is full of honesty, sorrows, loss, resiliency, perseverance, encouragement, love, faith and hope. You can buy my book online on at Lulu.com, Amazon and Barnes and Noble. I hope you like it.
My first book is like a prequel to my upcoming, real and entire memoir of my story and journey of my life living with mental illness. I am in the process of writing my new memoir. My story will have parts of my journal entries I have saved for over 25 years. It is difficult to remember exactly the way you were feeling during your darkest hours after your light is shining again. So, my journal entries will help convey my pain, sorrows and true feelings my bipolar 1 disorder and PTSD caused during my darkest hours. But, just like my blog, my memoir will also prayerfully encourage and inspire others to know that there is always hope for a brighter tomorrow, day, future and life.
God has saved my life numerous times and he continues to love me and save my life. He is always with me through all of my struggles, holding my hand and catching all my tears. There is always hope and recovery is possible. I am living proof of that. We must always have faith and hope...
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