My Boyfriend is a Lesbian

I used to think by boyfriend was gay because he wore makeup, cried during Meg Ryan movies, and liked to wear my lingerie while having sex. After months of extensive scientific research and lots of snooping through his private things, however, my new theory is that he’s not a cake boy after all, but rather a woman trapped in a man’s body. But the catch is, he’s still into girls (I think). So technically, this makes him a lesbian.

It’s so simple. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner. The signs were all there- the endless amount of flannel, the Tegan and Sarah CDs, the environmentalist tendencies. One time I swear I even heard him say his favorite color was the rainbow. Although he might have said blue- I wasn’t really listening.

But anyhow, now that I feel confident my boyfriend isn’t a cocksucker, I’m completely accepting of any other sexual defects he may possess. It’s actually sort of fun having a lesbian for a boyfriend (femme, not bulldyke, thank God). It’s kind of like having a BFF you can fuck. We share clothes, we talk about our feelings, we watch The L Word. We even swap tips on how to stay fit, and comfort each other if we’re having a fat day. It’s super fun. And when it’s all over, we make sweet sweet love, much of which involves weeping tears of joy.

So, does this make me a lesbian too? Am I pansexual? Or am I just a “people person,” as my lesbian-in-denial friend refers to herself? Personally, I prefer the term masochist.