CRABBY CANCER...

The Jittery Journeys of April 2004

Salutations, odious crustaceans! Last month we left you in the midst of fire and religious riot, reaching vainly for the phone to see if the right insurance protects your precious business interests. So what do the auguries hold for this month? Well, let us cut the crab and read the entrails so that the vile and bitter prognostications for awkward April can reveal all.

Mischievous Mercury sees you wheeling and dealing but vamping Venus enters lunatic Gemini, following in the footsteps of marauding Mars, causing you to feel you need to withdraw from life’s daily round. A Full Moon comes in fatuous Libra while marauding Mars and jolly Jupiter clash. Thus you sell your holdings in I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT CHICKEN, resign from the church, from vodun and from everything as you flee to the confines of your home.

There, of course, you begin fighting with your unspeakable family and feel somewhat comforted by the familiarity of this otherwise appalling process. Mischievous Mercury turns retrograde and you lie to your friends about what’s happened so as not to reveal how much money you have lost. Vamping Venus clashes with idiot Uranus and you feel moved to seek a more traditional faith as the fount of your spiritual solace now a black mood is upon you.

Cranky Chiron cavorts in unseemly fashion with the great Sol Invicti and mischievous Mercury (now moved back into arrogant Aries) and feisty communications pass between you and those of the vodun cult as they threaten revenge. However, you tell them to go and bag their heads and they are so shocked by your lewdness that they cannot even think of a response and run away weeping.

Come a New Moon in idiot Aries, one bringing a solar eclipse, you decide to give up worldly aspiration and devote your life to the service of humanity through humble means. As the great Sol Invicti enters cloddish Taurus, you begin your search for the simple grass roots philosophy that will hold you up in time of need. However, as marauding Mars and vamping Venus clash with underworld Pluto, you find yourself assailed by charlatans, fakes and fund-raisers, each one seeking profit from the sale of spiritual solace.

Yikes and double yikes, little crab type things! It’s as if you live in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods! And so you do! Click here next month and see if things get any worse! April fool!