Friday Fictioneers – Leaving

Cranes march across the horizon like a slur of notes, ending in a deformed quaver. The last note might be somehow iconic, but the sun-dancing waves create a mask of light and Pascal is unable to recognise the piece. He clutches the scuffed violin case to him, lest it and his fortunes tumble into the pitching water. The ocean is very big. Yet he is also very big.

Chattering passengers crowd the rails, counting down their time to arrival. Pascal’s clock continues forward, the days elongating since leaving Elise.

His heart breaking, he shuffles forward to be processed.

Friday fictioneers is a weekly challenge to write a 100-word story in response to a photo prompt. You can find other stories here.

You seem a bit down on this story, Neil. Yes, Ellis Island isn’t original, but is any story truly original? As an aside I’d never tell people I’m disappointed with a story I’d written. Let them be the judge. If you truly don’t like it then I wouldn’t post it. Chin up!

Lazy? Easy route? I don’t think so. Maybe it was easier for you to write than other things, because the theme is not new, but the way you did it certainly is, and it is very original. I absolutely loved how you included the cranes, painted the picture of notes and connected the music of the future to the person holding on to the last thing he has left from his past. I like this very much.

Whether the story is old or not the telling is superb. The image of the cranes making musical notes on a stave is genius. I often use these 100 word challenges to experiment and see what works, if I’d come up with that I’d be well satisfied to the point of smug. I’d allow myself that little reward.

I like how you’ve used the musical imagery, and I like how Pascal clutches his precious violin. His inability to recognise the ‘tune’ of the shapes he sees is indicative that he is dislocated, uncertain. Nice touches.