Over the years (and several relationships), I’ve always found comfort in your blogs; thank you for that. I will try to make this brief. I have been dating someone for a little over a year, and there is this unexplained connection we have to each other. We have the same interests, same values, we make each other laugh. We have very early on determined that we are going to marry each other.

The problem lies in our expectations of the logistics or norms of relationships, like how often to have sex, how frequently to talk to each other while we’re doing a “middle distance” relationship, when to get engaged, etc. We have found that we have different conflict resolution styles (mine is to discuss and his, in his own words, is to avoid).

Ultimately, we have had numerous discussions on if these are merely logistical issues that can be resolved with appropriate conflict resolution tools or if we are simply just too incompatible. How do we handle conflicts when our methods of resolving are so far apart? Appreciate any advice based on your experience.

Kim

Kim,

I don’t know how old you are, I don’t know where you live, I don’t know anything about you other than what you just wrote to me. Maybe it doesn’t even matter.

I do know that you have two massive blind spots that we need to shine the light upon.

First: “We have very early on determined that we are going to marry each other.”

Huh? I mean, I know you feel this way, but I have to question the wisdom of someone who has determined she’s going to marry someone before she has determined whether she’s compatible with him.

Wise people don’t make decisions first and ask questions later. They ask questions first and make decisions based on that information.

It’s like determining that you’re going to jump in the next pool you see, before asking whether there is, in fact, water in the pool. Or whether you’re 50 feet above the pool. Or whether the pool is frozen. Wise people don’t make decisions first and ask questions later. They ask questions first and make decisions based on that information.

I even made a half-hour free video about the deception of passion that you can view here.

Second: “We have the same interests, same values, we make each other laugh.”

So what? I have met hundreds – maybe even thousands – of people in my life: kind, relationship-oriented people who enjoy reading, sports, and comedy, and I wouldn’t be remotely compatible with ANY of them.

Because compatibility is not based on laughter or similar hobbies. It’s based on healthy communication and the ability to navigate 100 tiny decisions a day as part of a team. People who can do this are happily married. People who don’t? Well they sound something like this:

“The problem lies in our expectations of the logistics or norms of relationships, like how often to have sex, how frequently to talk to each other while we’re doing a “middle distance” relationship, when to get engaged, etc. We have found that we have different conflict resolution styles (mine is to discuss and his, in his own words, is to avoid).”

Compatibility is not based on laughter or similar hobbies. It’s based on healthy communication and the ability to navigate 100 tiny decisions a day as part of a team.

I am certainly not suggesting that you’re blameless. Maybe your way of communicating is to attack, blame, misinterpret, nag, or yell. But if you are a healthy communicator – and can let him know how you feel and how to please you without making him wrong – and his default setting is to shut down, walk away, or avoid conversation, then you have simply chosen a man who is incapable of being a husband. Doesn’t mean he’s evil. Doesn’t mean you don’t genuinely love him. All it means, objectively, is that he doesn’t possess the skill set – or the desire to develop the skill set – to be a good relationship partner.

I am not judging him as a person, nor judging you for falling for him. But in good relationships, people are not only willing to talk about stuff, but they are able to somewhat easily get on the same page. If you have that much friction when negotiating your relationship, then I would suggest what is patently obvious: you really don’t have the same values after all.

Find a guy who you CAN discuss important things easily and you won’t worry too much about whether you have the same interests, I assure you.

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Last week’s coaching call with Evan was the most challenging so far. Every week he logs into my Match account with me, takes a look at what’s been happening and guides me on how to use the site more effectively. He asked why there hadn’t been much activity and I told him because I was visiting family in Puerto Rico. His response was that we didn’t seem to be on the “right page”, and I appeared to be paralyzed. He was right. It’s a lot easier for me to respond to messages than to send a new message, especially if I’m trying to use the techniques from Finding the One Online.

Beyond the idea of contacting the man first, I’m frustrated with not being able to create funny, flirty and/or opinionated messages. I sit with my iPad and stare at the screen waiting for inspiration. I just look at the blinking light waiting to write something for the longest time…I guess that’s called writer’s block. Last night it took me over an hour to write two paragraphs!

Next, Evan pointed out a couple of messages in my inbox. These were messages I dismissed a couple of weeks ago even though I liked the guys. Why? Because they didn’t write anything interesting. I even felt embarrassed that a man replied with a “LOL, like that’s important.”

Evan reminded me that the fact they took the time and effort, even if it was a small effort, meant they were interested and that I shouldn’t take anything in their message personally. And, since we exchanged messages a couple of times, that means they liked me and would be considered Hot Leads. Besides, I don’t reply to people that I’m not interested in, so why would they?

I also mentioned to Evan that the man I talked about the previous week (the one that asked me if I was following Evan’s advice) never called for a date after my trip to Puerto Rico. We had agreed to make plans for a date on Valentine’s Day prior to my trip but it never happened. Evan says online dating is all about momentum and that I should’ve stayed in touch even if I was out of town, just to keep the ball rolling. People on dating sites are talking to many individuals at one time and without continued contact, you’ll be forgotten and they’ll move on.

The takeaway from this coaching session is if you complain about bad emails, chances are you are writing bad emails. If you want people to write more, you have to write more and BE BETTER THAN THEY ARE.

As always, I’d like to express my gratitude for all your comments and for following my story. Hope my journey helps you in yours and remember to always keep your heart open to give and to receive love.

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http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/86086734/0/evanmarckatz~Marias-Coaching-Journey-with-Evan-Marc-Katz-Week/feed/12http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/uncategorized/why-women-who-want-to-have-kids-should-date-seriously-in-their-early-30s/Why Women Who Want to Have Kids Should Date Seriously In Their Early 30’shttp://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/86024976/0/evanmarckatz~Why-Women-Who-Want-to-Have-Kids-Should-Date-Seriously-In-Their-Early-s/ http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/86024976/0/evanmarckatz~Why-Women-Who-Want-to-Have-Kids-Should-Date-Seriously-In-Their-Early-s/#commentsThu, 26 Feb 2015 17:00:37 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/?p=24333Longtime friend and EMK blog reader, Amy Klein, has carved out a place for herself on the internet as a fertility expert, due to her frustrations with conceiving and carrying…

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Longtime friend and EMK blog reader, Amy Klein, has carved out a place for herself on the internet as a fertility expert, due to her frustrations with conceiving and carrying her own child. She has written extensively for the New York Times Motherlode blog about her travails, and has recently contributedthis extraordinarily important piece to Aeon Magazine.

The premise? “Women in their 30s and 40s exhibit a mix of wishful thinking and woeful ignorance when it comes to their fertility. Why?”

Great question. And Amy is far better equipped to answer it than I am. By way of personal anecdote, I remember being in Toronto, where I was auditioning for a TV show where I’d be coaching women, and meeting a 43-year-old woman who was a personal trainer. Very cute, very fit, very ignorant when it came to biology. She claimed to want to have her own children, but didn’t see the need to rush things because she was “in great shape”. I paused, incredulous, looking for a sign she was kidding.

She wasn’t.

“You know that just because you’re in great shape doesn’t mean your ovaries are, as well?”

She didn’t.

Which brings us to Amy’s article, in which she validates my experience with a study:

“A 2011 study in Fertility and Sterility surveyed 3,345 childless women in Canada between the ages of 20 and 50; despite the fact that the women initially assessed their own fertility knowledge as high, the researchers found only half of them answered six of the 16 questions correctly. 72.9 per cent of women thought that: ‘For women over 30, overall health and fitness level is a better indicator of fertility than age.’ (False.)”

If you want to have your own biological children, you are better off taking your love life seriously in your early thirties, instead of putting off dating until your late 30’s.

Maybe I know more because I married a 39-year-old woman who suffered from two miscarriages, two chemical pregnancies, a fibroid surgery and two consultations at fertility clinics before bearing two healthy children at age 41 and 43. But we’re the anomaly – even though we didn’t go the in-vitro-fertilization route. Cites Klein:

“For a woman over 42, there’s only a 3.9 per cent chance that a live birth will result from an IVF cycle using her own, fresh eggs, according to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM). A woman over 44 has just a 1.8 per cent chance of a live birth under the same scenario, according to the US National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion. Women using fresh donor eggs have about a 56.6 per cent chance of success per round for all ages.”

All is not lost, of course. I’ve written previously about this heartening study, that illustrates that a woman in her late 30’s has nearly the same chance of getting pregnant as a woman ten years younger – over the course of a calendar year:

“With sex at least twice a week, the study found, 82 per cent of 35-to-39-year-old women conceived within a year, compared with 86 per cent of 27-to-34-year-olds. ‘In our data, we’re not seeing huge drops until age 40,’ said Anne Steiner, an associate professor at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine.”

But there is a serious drop off at age 40, one that should not be ignored. I’ve talked to lots of women who are convinced that egg-freezing is going to save their dreams, but they’ve largely been sold a bill of goods by the doctors. Yes, it’s better than nothing, but, according to Klein’s piece: “At 35, you have 20‑30 per cent chance of your frozen eggs creating a baby in the future, using IVF. At 42, it is 3.9 per cent.”

I’m not one of those guys who thinks that you should go to college to look for your husband. Statistics suggest that these marriages are fragile due to the inexperience and immaturity of both members. However, if you want to have your own biological children, as pointed out by Lori Gottlieb in “Marry Him” and so many others, you are better off taking your love life seriously in your early thirties, instead of putting off dating until your late 30’s. Not only have a lot of good men been snatched up by then, but a good percentage of the remaining ones who want to be fathers will be aware of these statistics and pass up women their own age.

This isn’t a scare tactic. This is biology. This is reality. Let’s all pay attention instead of trying to pretend that the inconvenient truth isn’t actually true.

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http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/86024976/0/evanmarckatz~Why-Women-Who-Want-to-Have-Kids-Should-Date-Seriously-In-Their-Early-s/feed/29http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/online-dating-tips-advice/will-men-turned-off-like-wear-wig/Will Men Be Turned Off Because I Like To Wear A Wig?http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85815644/0/evanmarckatz~Will-Men-Be-Turned-Off-Because-I-Like-To-Wear-A-Wig/ http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85815644/0/evanmarckatz~Will-Men-Be-Turned-Off-Because-I-Like-To-Wear-A-Wig/#commentsMon, 23 Feb 2015 17:00:15 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/?p=24420I have started to wear wigs about half the time and feel like there is a stigma attached to doing so – or a “yuck-factor”. I started using one after…

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I have started to wear wigs about half the time and feel like there is a stigma attached to doing so – or a “yuck-factor”. I started using one after a medical problem but now it’s just because they look so much better than my own hair. My own hair is super fine and fragile and it is impossible to find a flattering style or cut without at least using extensions (partial hairpieces that add length or fullness). A full wig actually looks best and I get compliments even from strangers. They look very natural but they’re still wigs – and sadly, wigs are sometimes an object of ridicule in our society.

My reasoning thus far is that I want to look like my profile pictures. Some of my profile pictures show my real hair plus a simple back extension so I usually wear that for initial dates. Some of my pictures show me in a longer full wig and in real life now I have semi-short styles that are very flattering. I have a flattering photo of me in one of those but haven’t put it on my profile because it’s different and I think that noticeable inconsistency in hair length will make it seem like some of my photos are too old. I realize that a big part of the problem may be that I haven’t fully embraced the notion of using wigs as a good thing.

I’d like to wear them because I look better in them but I’m sort of afraid that the idea of me wearing a wig will elicit an “Eeeeeewwww…” kind of feeling in a man.

I’m not sure what my priorities should be. Should I just make sure I look as good as I can on a first date even if that means “wearing a wig”, which sounds a bit like a disguise? Should I use my own hair so “it” doesn’t become the little secret that I’m hiding? Should I use my different hairstyles and feel no shame about how it is that I can change my look just like that?

I consider you to be very wise – you often find general principles that help us women with our viewpoint and our confidence. You also have basic knowledge about the things that matter and then are able to remind us of that to keep things in perspective. Sometimes I can ask myself, “What would Evan say?” but I’m stumped on this one.

What are your thoughts on this matter?

Sincerely,
Patricia

Thanks for your kind words. Let me do the best I can to tease this out (you see what I did there?)

To your credit, you are seeing this from all sides, however, it just seems like you’re spinning in circles. It really doesn’t have to be that complicated.

In fact, you may be surprised to learn that all of my advice comes directly from the bible.

“Do to others what you would have them do to you.” (Matthew 7:12)

All I do in this space, week after week, is put myself in the shoes of the woman asking the question, and, more challengingly, in the shoes of the man she’s writing about.

People don’t lie on their profiles because they are awful people who lack integrity.
People lie because they’re insecure about telling the truth.

Half the time, the man is in the wrong.

Half the time, the OP is in the wrong and fails to see it because she’s attached to her worldview, and can’t see the validity in his worldview.

Most posts where my readers disagree with me are the ones where I remind women that it sucks to be the guy who always has to pay for dates, is forced to pay for children he didn’t want, or be perpetually mistrusted because he is friends with an ex, watches online porn, or finds other women attractive. I put myself in the shoes of those men and I can sympathize and I ask you to do so as well.

Those situations have far more gravity than your wig situation, but it’s always the same advice.

How would you feel if a man wore a toupee when he was balding?

How would you feel if his profile photo showed a full head of hair, and then when he showed up on the date, he had a comb over? How would you feel if you thought he had a full head of hair until you ripped it off his head during cunnilingus, or when taking a shower together, or upon waking up and seeing his hair next to his head on his pillow?

This is exactly what Matthew was talking about in the Bible. 

Anyway, this brings up a very old point I’ve made about online dating.

People don’t lie on their profiles because they are awful people who lack integrity.
People lie because they’re insecure about telling the truth. If they tell the truth, they may be eliminated, due to the fierce competition of online dating.

So 5’7” men become 5’10”, obese women become “average”, and everyone over the age of 50 becomes 45. All because we’re insecure that people will pass us up and we want to get in the door.

The truth is the easiest thing to remember. There are no lies to cover up, no awkward confessions down the road, no moments where he says “Eeeeeeeewww.”

And then you get in the door, tell the truth, and someone is appalled that you started off the relationship with a lie.

In my opinion, the truth is the easiest thing to remember. There are no lies to cover up, no awkward confessions down the road, no moments where he says “Eeeeeeeewww.”

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Hola! Last week I had my coaching call with Evan while visiting my family in Puerto Rico…I was on my cousin’s balcony overlooking a beautiful green landscape of trees when I called him.

We talked about how to navigate Match more efficiently and what to do after a first date when you know you’re not going on a second date. One of the Evan’s suggestions to get the most out of the dating site was to only communicate with people that are active. He said that you want your favorites to be actively using the website. Make sure that he logs in at least every couple of days and not every couple of weeks. When a person is actively using a dating site, it’s a sign that he’s serious about meeting people and dating, and you won’t waste your time emailing someone who’s never around.

After a few other tips on how to manage my account wisely, I asked what I should do after a date if I know that I am not going on a second date with him. Evan told me that the right thing to do is to send an email a day or two after your date (even if he doesn’t email you), express gratitude for the date, acknowledge his time and effort, tell him there wasn’t enough chemistry to move forward, and that you know he’ll find a good person that’s a better match. I felt bad that I actually didn’t reply to the emails I received from the guy I went on my first date with. By the time I talked to Evan, it was already a week since my date and by then I thought it was too late.

In the last couple of weeks I’ve been learning how to use the 2-2-2 Rule from Finding the One Online. The rule is to correspond with a man on the dating site two times, then move the conversation to my personal email for two more emails, and then have two phone calls before going on a date. This way you get to know the person a little over the course of a week and don’t feel like you’re going out with a total stranger.

Soooo…I had two emails on Match with this new guy and moved the conversation to my email. His first email said that my message reminded him of Evan Marc Katz’s 2-2-2 rule! He said he was familiar with some of Evan’s work and asked what Evan would suggestion on approaching a phone call – should the man text first or does he recommend setting time to call through email? How about that!!! What are the odds?

Later that week we talked on the phone and he asked more about Evan’s work so I told him I was indeed following Evan’s work (I didn’t mention how). He asked me for a date that weekend but I was leaving for Puerto Rico. He was supposed to call me when I was back in Florida to go out on Valentine’s Day, but he didn’t call.

Anyway, my girlfriend Caterina is always playing Cupid and thinking of men she can introduce me to so on Valentine’s Day I met with her in Delray Beach and we got together with a man she wanted me to meet. We walked around downtown Delray and had a couple of drinks. He was nice, smart and we had good conversation. Although I had a feeling that he liked me, he never asked any questions about me. For the record, I was inquisitive and interested on all he had to say. He didn’t ask for my phone number and turns out, he lives in LA. So…my search continues.

I’m staying active in Match and Evan advised me to send one email a day to a new guy.

As always, thank you for your comments and words of encouragement. And remember to always keep your heart open to give and to receive love.

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http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85651772/0/evanmarckatz~Marias-Coaching-Journey-with-Evan-Marc-Katz-Week/feed/5http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/marriage/why-you-should-marry-your-best-friend/Why You Should Marry Your Best Friendhttp://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85584477/0/evanmarckatz~Why-You-Should-Marry-Your-Best-Friend/ http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85584477/0/evanmarckatz~Why-You-Should-Marry-Your-Best-Friend/#commentsThu, 19 Feb 2015 17:00:51 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/?p=24318Does it seem like I post a lot of things on the virtues of marriage? I think so, too. But people are always sharing links with me, I am always…

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Does it seem like I post a lot of things on the virtues of marriage? I think so, too. But people are always sharing links with me, I am always reading them, and I am eager to share with you all the things that I learn.

The latest study, by the National Bureau of Economic Research, is a breakthrough, because it not only illustrates that marriage makes people happier, but controls for pre-marriage levels as well.

“It concluded that being married makes people happier and more satisfied with their lives than those who remain single – particularly during the most stressful periods, like midlife crises.

Even as fewer people are marrying, the disadvantages of remaining single have broad implications. It’s important because marriage is increasingly a force behind inequality. Stable marriages are more common among educated, high-income people, and increasingly out of reach for those who are not. That divide appears to affect not just people’s income and family stability, but also their happiness and stress levels.”

Not surprisingly, it’s not about the piece of paper, but the intertwined lives that impact happiness.

I never thought of myself as an unhappy person before I got married. But I did find being single to be stressful. I had to make all of my own plans, reach out to guy friends, plan my own dates, fill up my life with stuff to do. That isn’t inherently a bad thing – as this is exactly the way LOTS of single people WANT to arrange their lives – 100% on their own terms.

But pretty much every study ever has indicated that deep, intimate relationships provide more joy than anything. People who have them report greater happiness across the board. And while one can have a bunch of close girlfriends, it’s very different than having a spouse. Says the article:

“Those who consider their spouse or partner to be their best friend get about twice as much life satisfaction from marriage as others.”

Not surprisingly, it’s not about the piece of paper, but the intertwined lives that impact happiness. As such, people living together also had the same spike in happiness as married couples. “Women benefit more from being married to their best friend than men do, though women are less likely to regard their spouse as their best friend.”

“What immediately intrigued me about the results was to rethink marriage as a whole,” Mr. Helliwell said. “Maybe what is really important is friendship, and to never forget that in the push and pull of daily life.”

All the more reason to continue to pursue love, and to pursue it with a man who is truly your best friend.

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http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85584477/0/evanmarckatz~Why-You-Should-Marry-Your-Best-Friend/feed/18http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/find-men-unattractive-whats-wrong/I Find Most Men Unattractive. What’s Wrong With Me?http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85397352/0/evanmarckatz~I-Find-Most-Men-Unattractive-What%e2%80%99s-Wrong-With-Me/ http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85397352/0/evanmarckatz~I-Find-Most-Men-Unattractive-What%e2%80%99s-Wrong-With-Me/#commentsMon, 16 Feb 2015 17:00:50 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/?p=24414I find the vast, vast, vast majority of men unattractive. Mostly it’s that I don’t have any physical attraction to them, but once in a while (about twice a year…

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I find the vast, vast, vast majority of men unattractive. Mostly it’s that I don’t have any physical attraction to them, but once in a while (about twice a year if I’m on a lot of dating sites, or once every few years if I’m not), I’ll meet someone I actually think is good looking (a hint here is that I find most celebrities physically unattractive, apparently my sex drive is picky but I couldn’t tell you why – although I DO have a high sex drive…).

However, I’m also aware having been through a lot of therapy after numerous and significant mental health difficulties (eating disorders etc.) that I tend to date cold or unavailable men and then not ask for more and maintain that emotional distance – essentially, I seem to have been in a habit of avoiding intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive, or more often than I’d like to admit, men who I know are gay before I even ask them out…otherwise they’re narcissistic or give mixed messages, or aren’t close in some way etc.

Knowing that I have that pattern, I made a promise to myself to pick up on coldness whenever I find someone attractive and to walk away. And that is something I do – I look specifically for empathy. And guess what…on those very rare occasions when the idea of kissing/sleeping with someone is not downright unappealing, they’re cold and narcissistic, and so I walk away.

Now to be honest, I’m not too bothered about finding someone in the next couple of years, I’m still young at 28 and my career is my priority right now, so I’m not in too much of a hurry, but the reason why it’s been bothering me is that I’m actually starting to worry that my family messed me up so much I’ll never be able to love anyone. I’m therapied out and no longer diagnosable – I’ve made a massive recovery and feel extremely healthy – so I don’t think more therapy is going to suddenly make me find more men attractive.

I have tried being with people I don’t find attractive – and I usually remain friends with very nice men I have tried to date but didn’t find attractive, and I’m afraid they don’t start growing on me. They just become my friend.

Have you come across this and do you think the reason I find so many men physically unappealing is because of something psychological? Some of my friends think it’s do with the bar being raised…I’m quite attractive myself and I’ve had a lot of attention from the opposite of sex since I was about 13, including the “very good looking”, so perhaps it’s just knowing what I could have and that that’s influencing me?

SG

I feel for you, SG. I do. After all of your therapy, you are as self-aware as you can be, and yet it still seems to me that you have some significant blind spots about your problem.

Now, first of all, I want to make it crystal clear: you are not alone. Women, on the whole, are far more discerning than men when it comes to physical attraction. In the linked OkCupid study, women think that 80% of men are BELOW average in attractiveness, when, in a normal distribution, that number should be 50%. I’m not going to say whether these women are right, although THEY certainly feel they are. I will say that men, for all their flaws, are equal opportunity daters in a way that women are not. While they will still lust for the hottest woman around, they’ll ultimately marry someone in their league, which, empirically, is not always that attractive.

Men, for all their flaws, are equal opportunity daters in a way that women are not.

Your issue, however, is a little more extreme, and reminds me of a client I had a few years back. Very attractive woman – a 43-year-old personal trainer who hated online dating for the very reason you mentioned. No one was attractive enough for her. When we went through the website to take inventory, I asked her to put 40 guys on her favorites list. She couldn’t even do so. The only 6 guys she found attractive looked like 32-year-old GQ models whose preferred age range was 22-29. My client was pretty much out of luck because she found less than 1% of men attractive, including NO men her own age who wanted her in return.

And this is where we bump up against one of my limitations of a coach. I’m not a psychologist who has been trained to delve into your past; my specialty is helping women in the present model confident behavior to elicit better results in the future. Your issue, in this instance, isn’t lack of confidence; it’s something that runs much deeper, something you only hinted at when you say that your family “messed you up.” Without knowing you, I have to concur.

Just read what you wrote to me:

“(I) avoid intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive.”

Sorry, but I want to challenge that assertion. You avoid intimacy by going out with people you DO find attractive – because the only people you find attractive are, in your words, “cold and narcissistic.”

That begins in your childhood, SG, usually with an absent, distant, or abusive father.

And so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only men you’re drawn to are the worst ones; the other 99%, you eliminate because you’re not attracted to them.

There’s being discerning, and there’s being impossible, and you’ve unfortunately raised the bar so high that no man can jump it.

You seem to be somewhat aware of this when you state that you walk away from emotionally distant men – and yet you claim they’re the only people you sleep with, since the “vast, vast, vast” majority of men are unattractive to you.

And here you are, writing to me, wondering if you will ever be able to love anyone.

You have every right to worry.

I can’t “fix” you from here, but I can tell you that something is very wrong if you only find 2 people attractive “every few years.” There’s being discerning, and there’s being impossible, and you’ve unfortunately raised the bar so high that no man can jump it.

You are attracted to the wrong men for reasons beyond your control. You need to rewire yourself on what it means to be in a healthy relationship. And if it means you have to dial down your attraction from a 10 to a 7, in order to find an emotionally healthy guy, that’s a price well worth paying.

That may sound awful to you on two counts: 1) you refuse to compromise on chemistry, and 2) you don’t think that a 7 chemistry actually exists. For you, it’s all or nothing. I believe you.

But that’s not normal, it’s not healthy, and it will leave you no dating options whenever you do decide to take your love life seriously again.

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Since winning the Scholarship, I’ve talked to Evan every Friday, I’ve listened to Finding the One Online (twice!) and I’m currently reading Believe in Love. I have fabulous photos taken by a photographer in Miami and collaborated with Evan on writing my awesome profile.

Like anything new, online dating can be intimidating. I’ve gone from happy, to scared, to doubtful, to hopeful, all the way to confident. I can’t say enough about the importance of following the guidance of a dating expert – in this case, Evan. Staying connected to the information and the coaching calls helps me keep my confidence and positive attitude.

At the end of this post, I’ll tell you about my first date. But first I’ll share a couple of Aha moments from my last coaching call that I’m sure will help you in your journey.

When choosing your favorites on a dating site, instead of just tagging the 40 cutest guys on the site, it’s important to read the entire profile. Make sure that he meets my distance requirements, that he’s looking to date a woman my age, and look for hints of authenticity, self-awareness, sincerity, and whether he’s looking for a relationship.

During my last call, I also asked Evan if I should ignore the winks and one liners. What he told me totally changed my perception about the whole thing! When a guy sends you a wink or a one liner doesn’t mean he’s lazy; it means he’s bad at online dating! Furthermore, it means that he likes you…he’s seen your picture and PROBABLY has read your profile. Writing to someone that’s already expressed an interest gives you a 40% greater chance of him replying back to your email.

Now, the strategy to a good email dialogue is to elevate the other person. If you want more substance, you have to give more substance. If you wink or send a one liner back in response, you may not get a thoughtful email back. Instead, send a warm and funny email and ask open-ended questions. This allows the other person to have something to say or respond to. There are different techniques on how to write a good email in Finding the One Online. Instead of trying to re-invent the wheel, I just follow the instructions of the wheel maker. The more I learn, the better I feel about the process.

Okay, about my first date last Saturday. Although he looked like his pictures, there was no chemistry. In fact, I thought it would be uncomfortable to spend the rest of the afternoon with him…I even thought “how about if I get in my car and leave!” Then I reminded myself that dating is about enjoying the company of another person. Like Evan says, you don’t have to kiss him, have sex with him or marry him! At the end of the date, I realized I’d had a great time. He was a good conversationalist and a gentleman.

When I returned home from my date, I checked my Match inbox and had a message from a man that I’d added to my favorites that morning. Next week I’ll tell you about something he wrote that you’re not going to believe! (Nothing bad, just funny.)

Once again, thank you for your comments and for following my story. May my journey help you with yours…and remember to always keep your heart open to give and receive love.

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http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85232577/0/evanmarckatz~Marias-Coaching-Journey-with-Evan-Marc-Katz-Week/feed/6http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/cheating/straight-men-are-more-jealous-about-sex-than-straight-women/Straight Men Are More Jealous About Sex Than Straight Womenhttp://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85173624/0/evanmarckatz~Straight-Men-Are-More-Jealous-About-Sex-Than-Straight-Women/ http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85173624/0/evanmarckatz~Straight-Men-Are-More-Jealous-About-Sex-Than-Straight-Women/#commentsThu, 12 Feb 2015 17:00:33 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/?p=24272In a study of 64,000 people, conducted by Chapman University, straight men were more likely than straight women to be most upset by sexual infidelity (54 percent of men vs.…

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In a study of 64,000 people, conducted by Chapman University, straight men were more likely than straight women to be most upset by sexual infidelity (54 percent of men vs. 35 percent of women) and less likely than straight women to be most upset by emotional infidelity (46 percent of men vs. 65 percent of women). From the write-up:

“Participants imagined what would upset them more: their partners having sex with someone else (but not falling in love with them) or their partners falling in love with someone else (but not having sex with them). Consistent with the evolutionary perspective, heterosexual men were more likely than heterosexual women to be upset by sexual infidelity and less likely than heterosexual women to be upset by emotional infidelity. Bisexual men and women did not differ significantly. Gay men and lesbian women also did not differ.”

This is the largest study to date on infidelity, so it’s worth considering, especially in light of contradictory perspectives that suggest there should be no difference between men and women. That theory intimates that men and women are the same and that our perspectives on jealousy and sex are only shaped by society. In fact, I’m in the middle of reading “Sex at Dawn,” which spends 300 pages suggesting that very thing – that we are historically polygnous like bonobos, and that men and women should have the same reactions to sex.

For most of our history (pre-agricultural revolution), people lived in groups of 150 and everyone had sex with everyone. That may be true, but even if we’re WIRED that way, our society isn’t set up that way any more.

This study directly challenges that worldview, noting that “men are socialized to be masculine, which includes having great sexual prowess. If a man’s partner commits sexual infidelity, this brings into question his sexual prowess and therefore threatens his masculinity, which leads him to react more negatively to his partner committing sexual rather than emotional infidelity. In contrast, women are taught to think relationally and to be the emotional nurturers in a relationship. If their partner commits emotional infidelity, this may threaten her sense of self more so than if her partner commits sexual infidelity.”

Personally, I don’t know how I feel about this. My allegiance isn’t to my biases but to the facts. Christopher Ryan, one of the authors of “Sex at Dawn,” makes a passionate case for why monogamy and jealousy isn’t natural; that, in fact, for most of our history (pre-agricultural revolution), people lived in groups of 150 and everyone had sex with everyone. In my opinion, that may be true, but even if we’re WIRED that way, our society isn’t set up that way any more. So instead of telling people that they SHOULDN’T be jealous or threatened by sex outside marriage, I look at studies like this that tell me – regardless of what our ancestors did – that both men and women are bothered by infidelity.

Ryan’s point is that people are not built to have sex with one person forever. Attraction towards others is normal. And it seems sad and unfortunate that we should repress a lifetime of continued erotic desires for others all for the sake of “marriage”. I actually agree with him. (And we’re both married.)

Open marriage sounds a lot better in theory than in practice, because it assumes no insecurity or jealousy.

I just don’t know a realistic alternative to marriage/monogamy, given that most of us are profoundly uncomfortable with our spouses sleeping around and potentially falling in love with someone else. Whether the root of this discomfort is biological or sociological doesn’t matter. Open marriage sounds a lot better in theory than in practice, because it assumes no insecurity or jealousy.

But seriously, how many people do you know who are not insecure or jealous of their partners having sex with someone else? That’s the only reason that I think monogamy – despite its flaws – is the best and most realistic option we have for successful long-term relationships. And if you don’t value stability – if you’re comfortable swapping out partners every two years when the chemistry dies down – then you should probably not get married.

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http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/85173624/0/evanmarckatz~Straight-Men-Are-More-Jealous-About-Sex-Than-Straight-Women/feed/66http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/sex/sexually-inexperienced-boyfriend-sow-wild-oats-marry/Should My Sexually Inexperienced Boyfriend Sow More Wild Oats Before We Marry?http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/84999344/0/evanmarckatz~Should-My-Sexually-Inexperienced-Boyfriend-Sow-More-Wild-Oats-Before-We-Marry/ http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/84999344/0/evanmarckatz~Should-My-Sexually-Inexperienced-Boyfriend-Sow-More-Wild-Oats-Before-We-Marry/#commentsMon, 09 Feb 2015 17:00:42 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/?p=24411My boyfriend and I are in our late twenties, live together, and have a very healthy, equal relationship. We speak comfortably and openly about our problems and insecurities, but there…

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My boyfriend and I are in our late twenties, live together, and have a very healthy, equal relationship. We speak comfortably and openly about our problems and insecurities, but there is one we just can’t seem to solve: I have had a significantly larger number of sexual partners than he has. I spent my early and mid- twenties however I wanted: I bought a home by myself, I went to concerts alone, I backpacked through the mountains with pals on weekends. And I had casual sexual relationships with men and women whose company I enjoyed. To be clear, I was always responsible, mature, and sober. I did not lower my standards to get laid, or market myself as a “bimbo” for attention. I just really liked people, good conversation, and sex. I had great experiences that helped me determine what compromises I could make and what behavior I would not stand for, and I eventually realized that men and women can have equal partnerships and respect each other.

My boyfriend is the opposite. He is a serial monogamist who can count the number of women he’s kissed on one hand. We were friends for years before getting together, and even when I tried to wingman him at bars, he was never interested in casual hook-ups.

Now, he might sometimes tease me that I’ve been with more girls than he has, but we both agree that numbers don’t matter and that the past is the past. The problem is that both of us have these little bits of doubt. He worries that I’m too hypersexual to be satisfied with just him, when really, I never would have committed if I felt he stifled me in any way. If anything, I am glad that I have dated and experienced such a variety of partners. I am 100% confident that I want to be with him, unlike some of my friends, both male and female, who married before they discovered exactly what they wanted out of life or a partner and now have Grass is Greener Syndrome.

So while my boyfriend worries that I want some exotic fling, for the first time in my life, I am happily hunkered down at home with someone I have real feelings for. On a similar note, however, I do worry that he hasn’t experienced enough variety to be so certain about me. Don’t most men want to sleep around? We have been talking about marriage and it will break my heart if five or ten years down the road he decides he needs more than just me. I have even suggested that he go on a trip with friends and have a free pass to at least MEET other women. His past relationships were with sexually conservative and religious girls and I am by far the kinkiest, so I worry he doesn’t know what else is out there. Even when we were just friends he would tell me he was too shy to hit on strangers. Is he settling for me because I was bold enough to make the first move?

I have heard many times from men that they could never marry a girl who had a higher number of sexual partners. Do I need to encourage him to take some time to be a little promiscuous before he marries me?

Vittoria

Dear Vittoria,

His insecurity is that you will not be satisfied with just him.

Your insecurity is that you will not be satisfied with just him.

Try taking “yes” for an answer and enjoy your life with this shy, devoted guy.

If you assure him that you’re satisfied with just him, both of your insecurities go away.

Your boyfriend doesn’t want more sexual experience. He’s satisfied with what he has right now, a kinky, hypersexual woman who wants to marry him. Who could blame the guy?

Try taking “yes” for an answer and enjoy your life with this shy, devoted guy.