Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It's been an adventure. I'm so ready for this to just stop.I'm at the verge of a breakdown, or according to my research in the middle of one(depending on which site you visit).Here I am, attempting to arrange treatment for myself.I'm a mess.Two weeks worth of anti-depressants is not long enough for them to kick in.I wish there was a magic wand that could be waved over my life, and make it all magically pretty and happy.The sad reality is, it's the farthest thing from it.I'm much harder on myself than I ought to be, and it's starting to show.I need support. I need love. I need someone to take care of me.I feel like a child. I feel incapable. I feel completely unhinged.I really want to curl up and tuck myself away from the world.I've taken a leave from work. Just shy of 6 months at this agency, and I've taken a leave.While I did have to leave our town in a hurry, I'm happy that both of my supervisors are supportive of me in this avenue. I'm glad they both understand. It makes it easier.Here's hoping I can find someone to treat me, and the ability to ensure this treatment can continue once I got home.I'm hoping I can make it through this.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Oh so tired.It's been a fantastic visit. Full of fun times, and lots of card playing. Late nights, too much caffeine and potato chips. Heaven.Fresh, clean air, and no bugs.I love cable tv, and high speed internet, and cheap groceries. I love Timmies, and Little Ceasars, and Timmies...I'm ready to go home I suppose.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The kids and I have taken sanctuary in Kelowna. We awoke this morning to find it incredibly smokey, ans smelling distinctly like a campfire. We sleep with the windows open in the evenings to cool the house down for the next day. I woke up a few times in the middle of the night, thinking, gee, I thought campfires were banned. I realized in the wee hours of the morning that it was actually smoke from a fire quite a distance to the west of us.When the morning light came round, the sun was blood red, and the smoke was touching the ground, leaving visibility at about 50 feet. The kids woke up coughing and with sore throats. I went to work, did my morning home visit, filled out my paperwork, and took off. Made some last minute arrangements, packed a bag or two, and hit the road. Mr drove us to Kamloops, where my mom picked us up and brought us back to her house.This is the worst I've ever seen the smoke. It wasn't even this bad last summer or in 2003.I was in heaven when I discovered the valley here was nearly entirely smoke free, with blue skies and bright sunshine.I'm relaxed now. I hadn't realized just how tense I was while in the smoke, until I got out of it.My only hindrance...I had to leave Mr at home by himself. Unsupported by those who love him.I guess life will always have ups and downs, and what happens will happen. All I can do is keep trying.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

We are clinging to a small grasp of reality. String are all that hold our entire family up, and there's so much tension on them, I'm surprised they have not burst sooner.While the children were away, we identified causes of tension that existed, which we had previously ignored.

Trying to deal with those issues with the children here really just feels impossible.

The amount of items that need to be dealt with are really just tallying themselves up. Where does one go when they stack so high you can't escape their shadows? It's not like I can just pick one and go from there, when they all have deadlines.

I'm not the only one in this boat either. It seems like my entire family, distant and close, are all suffering from this enormous reality clash that has the potential to swallow us all whole, until it seems we never existed at all.

It's all too much. I'm strong, but no one was ever made to face such things. How can I be expected to hold it together when I've fallen apart? I feel useless, aged, and exhausted. I feel incapable, and unable to face the reality that stares me in the face in the mirror each morning I wake.

I can see, that if things don't work the way they need to in the next 30 days, the potential to lose all that I've worked for in the last 6 months (or 9 years) will completely crumble.

ALL OF THIS CHILDREN IN MY PROGRAM ARE UP TO DATE ON THEIR IMMUNIZATIONS

While I am only one half of the entire program, there is still a lot to be said of our accomplishments. When you stand back and take a look at the bigger picture. Surely it isn't all credited to me, but the program in general.

A lot of my stress of late is job-related. As my coping mechanisms haven't been up to par to meet this stress, it was really affecting my family life.

My first step, was to take a look at the accomplishments that my clients had made, and congratulating myself on being a part of that change.

I've posted this list next to my monitor on the wall in my office, and am now reading it daily, just to give me that boost. There are a number of things that I'm doing that I know regular Home Visitor's don't do, but I've never really been one to fit the mold. I'm taking steps to form this program to me, to how I best serve my clients. I'm doing whatever I can to ensure my clients are educated, and that I am identifying any issues that need to be addressed.

Monday, August 09, 2010

What a weekend!Since the kids left, I was picturing my time away from them being filled with loads of restful sleep. Though it's true that I've been to bed earlier than usual each night, the fact remains that our days are just as crammed as when they're here.Time filled with hiking, driving, and exploring the local area.This weekend we headed about an hour (or two) north-east to Blue River, and their hills. They're farther up the valley towards Jasper, and consequently, their hills are steeper than ours are. We found one we thought looked promising to get to the top of, and headed off the beaten path. While the drive was pleasant, we did not make it to the top, as the road petered out closer to the top, and became impassable. We headed back to our valley and visited some friends who are as enthusiastic about horror films as I am.Hiked to Moul Falls yesterday, and got soaked from the spray when I walked behind the falls to check it out. This hike went well, as there were a number of other hikers on the trail so we counted on the high population to drive the bears away.Spent lastnight at my Gramma's, and woke up all full of motivation, so I cleaned a bit before we left.It's been a very enlightening time alone with Mr. It's funny how much we depend on our children to shield us from the problems that are there, as they "always" come first. A very important lesson has come to light in our time alone, and that is to always show that we appreciate one another. Sometimes all we need it time...sometimes all we need is time alone.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

It's been a long week.I'm drained, spent, and have wasted away to a bare shell of a human.Issues have arisen, again and again over the past few months, coming to a head on Wednesday, when I had an anxiety attack.I had an anxiety attack in front of a client. I looked it up after I dropped off my client and raced back to my office. Place a check mark next to all of those symptoms.A simple miscommunication was the cause, but it revealed to me something that I had kept shoving to the side, in light of more pressing attention grabbers.I'm a tolerant, patient person. I've obviously reached my limit with this issue. I can't even think of the name of this cause without feeling anxious, a nervous pit in my stomach, sweaty palms, and a need for oxygen that can't be met.I'm desperate. I'm fragile. I am in need.So, I went and got myself a prescription for Effexor. That'll do the trick...numb my mind, so that what I'm thinking won't be so bad.I'm irrational. I'm erratic. I'm lost.I need a hug.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

It's been an interesting few days. We're surviving without kids, shockingly. I've always relied on my children for support, and affection. Their ignorance to all those huge stressors really helped me through. Their little hugs when I said I needed one really helped.Thankfully, Mr is with me.We had a busy weekend, visiting with friends, trying to keep ourselves occupied from the emptiness that is our house.Yesterday we undertook a pretty intense hike to the top of Raft Peak. Well, we didn't really make it to the very top, sadly, an impending storm cut our hike short...that and my impending heart attack from too much oxygen. I think if we had actually made it straight to the top, we would've had a difficult time making it back down without me collapsing. I'm a lot more out of shape than I thought. Really, it wasn't all the panting as Mr was taking me straight up the face on loose shale. It was more the bugs. the bugs were terrible, and no amount of swatting kept them away. I swear that at one point one crawled into my ear and decided to camp out there, but no adverse side effects have shown themselves yet. It could have been the mouse sized spiders I saw scuttling between the rocks to avoid the stomp of my little sneakered foot. It could have been the pungent odor of bear.When we finally did make it back down, the clouds opened up and let loose a humungo torrent of rain. We honestly couldn't tell just how close it was because the valley is so filled with smoke from the surrounding forest fires that we couldn't tell the difference between rain clouds and smoke.It was an enjoyable experience though, and the sleep I got afterwards was next to heaven. A straight 10 hours of sleep, and I don't feel too bad today. I thought for sure that my knees were going to be screaming at me, but I'm not stiff, nor am I sore. Good business. Maybe it was that extra large plate of linguini with alfredo sauce that did the trick. Who knows.

About Me

Amber

I am a walking contradiction. I'm honest to a fault, but have learned to filter my thoughts to sting a little less. I'm growing at a glacial pace, and am inviting you to watch. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry, but at least you've got an invitation!