I haven’t posted in ages on Giving Up Sugar. Mostly this is because once you’ve given up the white stuff there’s little left to say, and I am not one to hang out in my kitchen creating mouth-watering sugar-free treats. (Which is a shame, because I suspect I could make a killing.)

However, some of you on your own sugar-free journey may be interested in my next foray into wellness.

I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease at the ripe old age of 27. Hashimoto’s is an autoimmune disease and is the most common cause of hypothyroidism (which I have too).

I was not at all surprised when I received my diagnosis. Most of the women in my family have hypothyroidism, so I knew what was up when I put on a huge amount of weight in 6 months, felt like a slug all the time, had a puffy face, thinning hair and had freezing cold hands. The hands thing was the final piece in the puzzle for me, as I had previously been one of those ridiculously hardy folks who swan around in summer clothing in the middle of winter. But now people would shake my hand and cry out ‘Flipping heck, have you been dipping your hands in ice water?’ Something was definitely wrong.

I had to beg my doctor to run the tests as she didn’t expect someone to have hypothyroidism at 27. But to her credit, she was swayed by my family history and ran the tests (I now realise how fortunate I was that my doctor listened to me. Many people with Hashimoto’s are misdiagnosed as having a mental illness). I’m not kidding when I say it took me 6 more years to fully understand the implications of my condition and to accept the limitations of it. I spent those years ignoring my body, being lackadaisical about taking my medication, pushing myself through the tiredness and brain fog, and generally trying to live as I had before until I gave myself a bad case of burnout.

It was the burnout that forced me to pay more attention to my body and my lifestyle. My body was screaming at me to slow down because it could not take it any more.

So I slowed down and began to recover. Giving up sugar helped my energy levels to increase, and I was able to reduce my thyroid medication a bit, plus I lost weight. Then eating the Trim Healthy Mama way (which is refined sugar-free) helped me shed two more dress sizes and feel more energetic. But it hasn’t quite been enough.

I have always had a tricky case of hypothyroidism. My thyroid levels almost always require tweaking of my medication and I am closely monitored for this. Sometimes I need more thyroxine, sometimes less. Even when my thyroid levels are ‘normal’, I keep having bouts of unexplained tiredness, poor memory, brain fog, irritability and feeling so, so cold. Some of these ‘thyroidy bouts’ as I call them, can last a few weeks or a few months. At the moment I am a bout which has been going on for a couple of months now. Fun times.

Trips to doctors have them treating me like I am a mental health patient, despite the fact that I am a patient with hypothyroidism, complaining of hypothyroidism symptoms. But as my thyroid levels are ‘fine’, doctors don’t seem to know what else to do other than screen me for depression and look confused. I have learned to take my husband with me to all such appointments for back up as I am never taken seriously without having him there to say ‘Yep, what she is saying is absolutely true.’

My thyroidy bouts are not fun, and are very hard on my husband as he has to pick up my slack. I’m a stay-at-home parent to two toddlers, so that’s a lot of crazy slack to be picked up! I’m sick of these bouts affecting me – and my family – despite the fact that my test results are ‘normal’. There has to be more that can be done.

Our genes play a part in the development of autoimmune disease, but diet and lifestyle can reduce the effects once that switch is flicked on. I’m pretty active in the Hashimoto’s online community and have seen many reports from fellow sufferers saying they’d seen a huge reduction in their symptoms by following the Autoimmune Protocol. It’s like the Paleo diet, but harsher. The first phase is an elimination diet where you cut out the usual suspects like grains, eggs, soy, dairy and sugar. But the Autoimmune Protocol goes further. Developed by Dr Sarah Ballentyne – an expert on immunity and inflammation – the protocol also cuts out nuts, seeds, alternative sweeteners, nightshades and NSAIDS (ibuprofen etc). The main focus of the protocol is to eliminate foods that contribute to leaky gut and bad gut flora from the diet. You can read more about the science behind the protocol here.

People with autoimmune diseases can expect to see significant improvement within a few weeks or months, although some may take longer. I feel confident about doing the first phase because it’s not forever. Once a measurable improvement happens, then a slow reintroduction to other foods can begin. Many people discover they react badly to nightshades (tomatoes/potatoes/eggplant/peppers) and have to avoid them for life, and I suspect this might be the case for me. My father is deathly allergic to raw tomato, and my skin often reacts to nightshades when I prepare them for cooking. Other people can successfully reintroduce eggs, nuts and dairy, so I hope I’m one of those!

Food elimination diets are daunting. But if you’ve eaten something all your life, you may be unaware of its impact on your health and well-being. I never truly knew how addicted to sugar I was until I eliminated it and saw improvements in my energy and saiety levels. People who’ve gone AIP report significantly negative reactions to many of the reintroduced foods (like two weeks of feeling yuck), and those reactions are enough to help them avoid that food for life. I’m hopeful that getting to the bottom of any food intolerances will help me kick my thyroidy bouts for good.

I wondered what on earth there would be left for me to eat if I attempted AIP. No eggs. My staple breakfast. No dairy. But, but what’s life without cheese? No curries? I think I might cry.

Help was at hand thanks to my local library and The Autoimmune Paleo Cookbook, by Mickey Trescott. D and I were so impressed by this book, we immediately bought our own copy. Besides being a beautifully designed and photographed cookbook, what had me going ‘okay, this lady is my new BFF’ was that Mickey acknowledges that sticking to AIP during the elimination phase is HARDER THAN HARD. She acknowledges that having to make every single dish, sauce or dressing from scratch feels like a Herculean task if you work full time, have kids, or are sick. You know, from an autoimmune disease. If that’s you, Mickey’s your gal. She has meal plans and shopping lists to ease into the AIP way. There are also many other great AIP books out there if you look online.

I haven’t started AIP yet, but I do have a starting date (28 July). I’m approaching this like I did when I gave up sugar. I’m not quitting until my social calendar is empty. My birthday and a trip away are coming up soon, so I will go AIP after then. I will be turning down dinner invitations and dining out while I’m on the elimination phase because I can’t be bothered with the hassle it would entail. I have a wedding to go to in September and I think I will just tell the beautiful couple not to worry about a meal for me, and take my own food. I want to cause zero hassle on their big day. It will definitely be weird, but when you are on the elimination phase you absolutely cannot cheat. If you have a reaction to something, you probably won’t be able to work out what caused it (Was it the dressing? Were the veges sauted in butter? etc.).

Preparing for next week’s Live Below The Line challenge was blimmin’ tough. We spent hours nutting out a grocery list; debating whether we should buy lentils or rice, or what would be a filling and cost-effective breakfast. I am awfully glad to be married to a Maths whiz who can work out the cost per serve in his head in seconds, because all those careful calculations were making my head spin.

Not only that, but planning what to eat required two reconnaissance missions to two different supermarkets before we’d even bought anything, to see how much things actually cost, and which supermarket would give us the best deal. I did point out to D that poor people can’t just hop in their cars to check out different supermarkets (although having worked at a Soup Kitchen, I do personally know plenty of people who will spend all day walking around doing just that to save money). We got our fruit, veg and eggs from our local farmer’s market, which is something we normally do anyway.

Meat was out of the question, although our friends who are also doing the challenge have managed to squeak in some cheap sausages. They have two small children who a) don’t eat much, and b) give their parents more money to budget with. I currently eat a High Fat, Low Carb diet (HFLC), but that isn’t an option on this kind of budget. My butter has been replaced with ‘table spread’ (I don’t want to know what’s in it), and I am going to be filling up on bread, rice and tortillas this week.

I’m so glad I don’t have sugar or coffee in my usual diet, otherwise I’m quite sure I would be going through a horrible withdrawal next week. I reckon there will be lots of cranky Live Below The Liners around!

I think before we made our meal plan I had envisaged eating lots of lentils and canned tomatoes, but our meals have turned out to be something completely different.

Here’s what we got for our budget of $2.25 per person, per day:

Our food for the week!

2 loaves whole grain bread @ $1.47 each

15 eggs @ .28c per egg ( $8.50pk of 30 shared with our friends)

30 ‘weetbix’ @ $2.00 ($4.39 pack of 66 shared with our friends)

2 tins baked beans @ .67c each

1 jar crunchy peanut butter @ $1.98

750g flour @.84c ($1.68, 1.5kg pack shared with friends)

table spread @ $1.49

1kg rice @ $1.08

2L milk @ $3.15

5 kiwifruit @ .53c

10 carrots @ $1.30

1 leek @ $1.00

1 onion @ .30c

some foraged parsley that had self-seeded in our friend’s garden (not in picture)

There are a few Live Below The Line recipe books out there which are great resources, but make sure that ingredients you get for one dish can be used in other dishes. If you don’t, your budget just won’t work. For instance, our peanut butter will be used in our lunches, to add flavour to dinner, and to dip carrots in if we get peckish. The table spread will be used for peanut butter sandwiches, and to be teamed with flour and water to make tortillas.

Our meals for the week will be very repetitive, but we have at least got some wiggle room in the budget for spices and for using celery from our garden (you must factor in the cost of production when using your own produce).

We were very disappointed at the lack of green vegetables that our money got us at the market. Three weeks ago we could get broccoli for 50c each, but now they are up to $2.50. We’re lucky we left some room in the budget for celery from our own garden. D and I typically spend more than our LBTL budget of $22.50 just on vegetables alone, so the lack of veg feels quite wrong to us. We could have bought fewer eggs to get more vegetables, but since switching to a HFLC way of eating I find a breakfast with plenty of protein does me until lunchtime. I often go until 1 or 2pm before I feel hungry, so I’m hoping that having an egg at breakfast will help us make it through to lunch without needing a snack (carrot sticks and peanut butter).

We’ve both had to make compromises for the challenge, like the table spread (read Big Fat Lies, by David Gillespie if you want to know why that stuff is incredibly bad for you. If we could have stretched the budget to at least include olive oil I would feel much better, but alas no). D HATES baked beans with a passion, but they were 32c cheaper than dried lentils/chickpeas/couscous per 100g, plus they come with a sauce that I can at least disguise as something nicer by using spices. We don’t normally eat such highly processed bread, or white rice, but our usual alternatives are way too expensive.

I’ve already learnt some lessons on what it’s like to live below the poverty line, but I will share them throughout the coming week.

Next week D and I are taking part in the Live Below The Line challenge. Basically the ethos of the challenge is this: 1.2 billion people around the world are living in extreme poverty, and Live Below the Line believes we all have a responsibility to change this.

Live Below The Line believe that understanding poverty is so vital, that they challenge us fortunate people who live above the poverty line to see what it’s like to live below the poverty line for a few days. Understanding how difficult life is for those living in poverty may galvanize people into action and transform lives. Each person or group doing the challenge raises money for a nominated charity.

From the 23rd – 27th of September we can spend no more than $2.25 a day on food and drink.

This means D and I have a total of $22.50 with which to buy all our ingredients for every meal that week.

The full cost of all the items we eat must be included in our budget. This means budgeting for whole packets of food items such as rice, pasta, noodles and eggs etc.

For items such as salt, pepper, herbs and spices, we must work out the cost of each item per gram and budget our shopping proportionally.

We can share the cost of ingredients amongst a team, as long as no participant spends more than $2.25 a day or their total $11.25 budget. Working as a team allows you to pool together funds and do more with your cooking.

We can’t grab a cheeky snack from the cupboard unless we include the cost of buying the item new in our budget.

We can use food sourced from our garden as long as we can account for the price of production.

We can’t accept ‘donated’ food from family or friends, but monetary donations towards our fundraising goals are acceptable, and encouraged!

We are allowed to drink tap water.

Heck! Now there’s a challenge.

D and I are donating any money we raise (plus our usual grocery budget) to Partners Relief and Development who have been bringing freedom and fullness to the children in Burma through relief, development, healthcare and education. (I will be participating in their Run for Relief in November too.) If you’d like to donate to us, you can do so here, it’s such a great cause.

D and I are meal-planning ninjas from way back (seriously, if you’ve never done it, you will save soooo much money and waste soooo much less), but this challenge will be my toughest meal plan yet. We’re pooling resources with our Minister from Church and his wife to help stretch our budget a bit further. Our Minister’s wife is a dietician, so I’m glad to be nutting out a plan with her!

I’m sure we can get creative, but just thinking about how little our money will get us, and the effort it will take to plan our meals has already given me even more compassion for those living in poverty. It’s hard to eat well on that kind of money, and I imagine meals get very monotonous.

I can’t even begin to think about those unable to feed their kids without welling up with tears. I must admit to times where being overweight utterly shames me when there are so many people out there who are dying of starvation right this second.

My low carb, high fat diet will go out the window for the week, as I imagine I will need carbs to feel full as I won’t be able to afford to eat protein, unless we can get some eggs dirt cheap (or do I mean cheep?). One good thing is there’s definitely no room for sugary rubbish in that kind of budget, so perhaps a whole bunch of people doing the challenge may experience some withdrawal symptoms?

The day after the challenge I will be hopping on a plane to Australia to attend a wedding where my meal is costing the equivalent of our weekly food budget! What a crazy world…

Normally I am careful not to schedule too much over a weekend, due to recovering from burnout. But this weekend was a fun-filled, female extravaganza! On Saturday I saw a show with friends, and then went to an epic girl’s night; and spent Sunday afternoon at an art exhibition with more friends. D was great about being left with Eloise most of the weekend so I was free to enjoy myself without any ‘mummy guilt’.

On Saturday night I caught up with friends that I haven’t seen in ages – isn’t that just the best thing for your soul? We had a blast painting our nails, drinking champagne and watching ‘Pitch Perfect’. Bliss. Being a girl’s night it also involved lots of indulgent food.

I didn’t have much time to prepare anything, so I whipped up another version of Alex’s Raw Banana Cream Pie, because its so quick to make. The theme of the evening was pink (my friend’s partner made himself scarce to avoid pinkness overload), so I threw in some frozen raspberries to make the filling pink.

I managed to take a decent picture of it this time!

I was in an indulgent mood (no doubt aided by champagne!) and tried some of the other desserts on offer. I had some strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake, and some strawberries filled with chocolate mousse. I’m not gonna lie – they were delicious. I didn’t overdo it though, as they were both very rich.

To my surprise, I felt fine the next day. Perhaps I can eat a bit of sugar and still be ok, I wondered. Nope.

On Monday I woke feeling like I hadn’t slept a wink. Instead of going for a run, I turned off the alarm, rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. The feeling of lethargy stayed with me all day. My body ached, especially around my joints. I was much hungrier than usual, needing snacks in the afternoon as well as after dinner. I really craved some chocolate.

Today (Tuesday) I still have that slug-like feeling, although I dragged my butt out of bed and went for a 20 minute run. I think your Grandma could probably have passed me in her walker, I was going so slow. I’m still hungrier than usual, but so far haven’t needed any snacks. My body feels like it could do with a decent massage though.

It will be interesting to see how long the effects of that sugar linger in my body. Some people report taking a week to get back to normal, others take two weeks.

Most of us have had a lifetime of eating sugar. It’s hard to fathom what it must have done to my body for all those years, if you look at the reaction I had to just a little bit of sugar. It blows my mind. I was so caught in the sugar rush/crash cycle it obviously felt normal to me.

I’d like to be able to avoid eating sugar all the time, but I have two very special occasions coming up where I intend to eat more sugar. My brother’s 40th birthday is in three weeks and I’m pretty damn sure I will eat a piece of the cake I’m making for him. Then at the end of September I am flying to Australia for a friend’s wedding. Instead of presents, the bride and groom have asked us to pay for our meals. As my meal is costing about $120 NZ dollars, I feel compelled to eat everything they give us! And yes, I know I could simply not eat birthday or wedding cake, but it’s not like my brother turns 40 or I go to overseas weddings every day.

After these events it will be smooth sailing until Christmas, but I’m resigned to feeling a bit rubbish for some of September.

The two kilos I was moaning about a couple of weeks ago have gone. Hoorah! I’m so happy to have made some progress. I was beginning to wonder if I was actually a Polar Bear putting on blubber so I could hibernate for the Winter. (Escaping Winter is such a nice thought…)

I have no idea why my body has been so resistant to weight loss over the past few weeks. It’s stranger than strange. I even wondered if I was pregnant again (I’m not, by the way. That would be toooo crazy).

Whatever the reason, what I am doing NOW is working.

I’m up to Week 5 of the Couch to 5 K app, having had to back track due to being sick. I’m still really enjoying my runs, and haven’t struggled too much to get out of bed early in the morning.

Cutting down on carbs has improved my appetite control even further. Most days just my three squares will do, no snacks necessary. And I’m completely obsessed with crunchy vegetables.

When you give up sugar and the cravings stop, you no longer find yourself wasting time thinking about food/planning your next meal even though you just ate/worrying about how fast your friend will serve up dinner at her party because you are STARVING.

Giving up sugar frees soooo much of your headspace, trust me.

Since I’ve been sugar-free, I’ve been free to work on my other issues around food. I’m more aware of why I’m eating, and am now better able to stop myself from comfort eating when I’m stressed or upset. I’ve successfully worked on how I’m eating for the last few years – usually sitting down at the table, no distractions (other than D or Eloise; that’s allowed), and I take my time and try to savour what I’m eating. Now days, I get very resentful if I have to eat and run.

Since the cravings ceased, I feel better equipped to look at what I’m eating – besides the whole no sugar thing.

I’ve been eating fewer carbs for a couple of weeks now, and that’s made a huge difference to how well I’m eating. When you are sugar-free and low carb, there are only so many things you can snack on. Previously, I thought I was eating a good amount of veges, but now our fridge (and my plate) resembles a market garden. The funny thing is, I love it! I am relishing all those vegetables.

Since reading Nourishing Traditions, I’ve gotten into making broths. I’d made my own before, but never really appreciated just how important they are to our diet. There’s a reason that chicken soup comes high on our list of sickness remedies. Broths have some amazing health benefits. Your great-grandma would have made them all the time, but today they have been lost in our world of fast-cooking convenience. Well, the western world anyway. Go to Asia – they often start their day with a cup of broth.

I believe bone broths are so important that the other day I went to a workshop on how to make them.

You may scoff, what’s so hard about chucking some vegetables and bones in a pot of water? Well, scoff no more, my friend.

The workshop was run by Nicola Cranfield from the Brooklyn Kitchen. Nicola is passionate about helping people heal themselves with good nutrition. If you have food sensitivities and live in Wellington, I strongly suggest you check her out.

Nicola says that bone broths are rich in nutrients, and are very easy for our bodies to assimilate. They are rich in minerals, gelatin, glycine and proline – which aid digestion, help seal the gut, calm and detoxify you.

Here’s Nicola’s tips on making the most out of your broth:

Find the best bones you can! Everything that animal ate, how it lived and where it lived will factor into the health benefits of your broth. Choose organic, grass fed, free-range animal bones where possible.

Use the best possible water. Tap water may compromise the health benefits of the broth. In New Zealand much of our tap water is fluoridated and chlorinated. Use filtered water if you can, or leave a pot of water out overnight to remove the chlorine.

Choose a variety of bones. Long bones contain yellow marrow where fat is stored. Flat bones (e.g. hipbones, ribs) contain red marrow which has myeloid stem cells. These cells can help build strength and immunity.

Cut the bones into small pieces as it allows more of the marrow to become part of the broth.

Add some acid (apple cider vinegar, lemon juice) to release more minerals from the bones.

Use the best veges you can. Don’t throw in anything that looks like it’s on its last legs. Cut the veges into big, chunky pieces and DON’T PEEL THEM – even onions can go in with their skins on.

Cook long and slow – aim for a rolling simmer. Boiling at high temperatures may affect the amino acids in the broth, and destroy the gelatin.

Skim if necessary to remove any impurities that rise to the surface.

Chicken bones can cook for 6-48 hours, beef bones for 12-72 hours.

Nicola even recommends making a second lot (or more if you’re really keen) of broth from the bones once you’re done. Simply add new veges. It won’t be as flavourful, but it will still have lots of nutrients.

If making fish stock, include the head of the fish. Fish heads contain the thyroid gland of the fish, which is great for hypothyroid people like me.

Don’t add salt. Just don’t, ok?

Ok, so now you have your broth – what should you do with it?

Use it in soups, risotto, casseroles and laksa.

Cook your veges or grains in it. Nicola swears that cabbage in broth is delicious. I wonder if it would make Brussel sprouts more attractive to me?

Use it as a reduction sauce by reducing it.

Use it as gravy – just thicken with flour.

Use it as tea. Broth is very calming so it is a great way to start or finish your day.

Use it as an entre to your meal. Many cultures have a cup of broth before the main course to aid digestion.

I have a pot at the ready to make me some broth. And the first customer for my broth will be Eloise. It may help her grow even taller, if that’s humanly possible…

I’ve finally lost some more weight. About 500g, which is not to be sniffed at.

I feel hopeful that more weight loss will happen, and hopeful that I am making lifelong changes to my way of eating.

I’ve certainly experienced many benefits since going sugar-free: more appetite control, more energy, fewer mood swings, and clearer skin. In the past week since cutting down on carbs I’ve noticed that I don’t need morning tea at all. Around 11am I think ‘hmm, I’m a little hungry’ but that’s about it. I don’t actually need to eat anything.

I’m hopeful that I will keep on running. I had to go back to Week 2 of Couch to 5 k because I got sick, but I didn’t let it stop me for long. I had a great run this morning – one of those runs where you lose track of time and get a surprise when the app says your time is up.

Man, I LOVE hope! I’ve been hopeless, that’s for sure…(this where the flashback wavy lines in a movie would appear.)

As a young teen I am convinced I am fat. I’m not, but in my mind I don’t ‘measure’ up to all skinny girls in my class who were cool and popular with the boys. I certainly don’t look like the girls do in Cosmo. I try several different diets and exercise plans. The only time I lose weight and kept it off for a while is due to doing an Aerobics class at my high school in America every day (yes, that is a legitimate class over there). Lord knows how, as I also discover pizza at the same time…

After I come home from America I am really unhappy. I want to stay over there, but my visa conditions won’t allow it. I eat. I put on all the weight I’d lost, and then some.

When I start university, I put on more weight. I am too busy studying and having fun with my friends to exercise. But it’s not much fun being the one overlooked by the guys who go for my skinnier friends instead. I hate on myself for my lack of willpower. If only I could develop some discipline I would be thin. If I was x kilos lighter, life would be better etc. I join a gym, but it’s quite far away so I don’t go often. Finally, I do Jenny Craig for a while and exercise regularly at home, and lose 20 kilos. But I can’t afford to keep paying for all that Jenny Craig food (and my word, it is terrible!). I put on weight and get too down about myself to exercise any more.

After university I spend a year living in Korea and lose weight. It’s hard not to when you eat their food. But when I come home…disaster. I get really sick (I believe the dreadful pollution in the city I lived in seriously compromised my immune system. When you are used to breathing clean NZ air, it must have been a massive shock to my body). And I mean sick. That year I develop hypothyroidism, only I don’t know it. It runs in my family, but it’s very unusual for it to develop in someone so young. I put on probably 15 kilos or more that year. I am so tired I hardly have the energy to do anything. Walking to the bus stop to get to and fro from work is an effort.

I get worse and worse, and one day finally think ‘hmm, I wonder if it’s my thyroid’. I beg my doctor to let me take a blood test. Yes, my thyroid has packed it in. I am put on medication, but it takes a long time for it to have any noticeable effect. Actually, it takes several years as they can never get the levels right. I’m a tricky case and need my medication tweaked all the time, whereas most hypothyroid people are fine with just a yearly check-up.

So by this time I am seriously, seriously obese. I can barely walk a block without getting puffed. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I stop buying clothes altogether because nothing fits me. In desperation I join a gym just down the road from my apartment and that helps me shed some kilos and gets me into a more mobile state. I’m still overweight. I still hate my life. I have a full life: good job, lots to do, and really great friends, but I believe that no man could ever love me as I’m repulsive. So I don’t even try to meet any one.

I move to the UK to get out of this rut and it helps. I live in London for several years and need to walk most places so I get fitter. I also decide diets don’t work and give up on them altogether. But after a while, I get burnout because I suffer from FOMO and basically spend every spare minute sight-seeing/hanging out with my friends/volunteering/going to church and church-related activities/studying/stressing out about my sick Mum back home. I am out almost every night. I realise that over a 6 month period I was only home for more than two nights in a row…ONCE. I catch myself just in time from having a nervous breakdown. I try various ways to get over the burnout which include moving out of London, cutting down my commitments, eating healthier food (low-fat of course, as that’s good for you, right?), and trying to get my thyroid medication right.

None of it works.

I’m still fat, still lonely, still hating myself. I comfort eat and hate myself with every mouthful. And I am still to-the-bone-exhausted.

Eventually I decide that if I am going to get over burnout I need to go home to New Zealand and live the quiet life. I come home. Totally broke. I get a job at my old work. I start going to my local church. And that’s all I do. Nothing else. I go to church and go to work. But I am not well. I start doing quite bizarre, un-Angela type things. After a harsh ‘friendtervention’, I get counselling. My counsellor is awesome and I discover that my burnout has turned into an anxiety disorder. I start taking antidepressants. I start to emerge from the fog and after six months no longer need the medication. I feel myself again and start to exercise.

I meet a lovely young man called D. We become friends, fall in love and get married. I enter into the happiest time of my life (still is).

But I’m still fat and can’t lose weight. I still comfort eat, and my consumption of junk food increases when I get an office to myself. There’s no one to see me eat! I scoff packets of biscuits and lollies and hide the evidence. Eventually I feel completely hopeless when I realise that I am STARVING an hour after eating breakfast every morning. I eat morning tea at 9am, and need to buy another lunch as I’ve eaten my packed lunch by 11am. I decide I am a lost cause. My doctor recommends a book called Sweet Poison by David Gillespie. I read it and suddenly I have hope.

Giving up sugar is one of the best things I have ever done. I had no idea just how addicted to sugar I was. There was NO way I could have lost weight and ate sensibly on my old ‘diets’ as they were low fat, and therefore riddled with sugar. Sure, giving up sugar requires a bit of willpower at first, but after a while it becomes, well, easy-peasy. I fall off the wagon for a time, but eventually get back on it and have been sugar-free for quite a while now.

I feel in control of my eating. I don’t get anxious about when I will get my next meal. I don’t spend lots of mental energy craving sweets or planning dessert. Even my comfort-eating seems to be easier to control.

Giving up sugar has given me hope. This is the first ‘diet’ (I hate that word) that I feel is remotely sustainable. It hasn’t been hard or filled with cravings. I hope that I will lose more weight. In fact, eating the way that I do, I can’t see how I can fail at this. I hope that as the weight comes off and I get fitter by running; I will be able to keep up with my daughter when she moves into the toddler years. I hope I will have the energy to take her for bike rides, and to run around a park, and challenge her to swimming races. I hope that this lifestyle lasts, but I am encouraged by the fact that I have no cravings that tempt me back to my old ways.

Wow, so this has turned into a looong post. But you get the gist. I’m feeling hopeful.

Yesterday I hopped on the scales expectantly after not weighing myself for a couple of weeks. Imagine my horror to see that the scales had gone up by TWO kilos!

I was so mad! How could this possibly be happening? I’ve been sugar-free for weeks, and have just ticked off several low-carb days. I’d been for a run that very morning, for goodness sake. And, it was my birthday. Some present huh?

So what did I do? I cried. Okay, so I only cried for like, a couple of seconds as I was bemoaning my lack of weight-loss to D, but it was still sooooo demoralising.

I’m getting increasingly frustrated at my lack of progress as far as my weight is concerned. Last year the weight just fell off. This year it’s like the weight is hanging on for dear life. I have no idea what’s going on.

Fortunately I have sufficiently withdrawn from sugar so that I didn’t feel the need to drown my sorrows in the nearest piece of cake (a mean feat when it’s your birthday, I reckon!). I treated myself to a nice sugar-free, low carb lunch and took Eloise for a long walk in the glorious sunshine (hello Sun, I’ve missed you). R came back from holiday so I talked it over with her, although she and D are mystified at my current lack of progress.

So I’m waiting. Waiting for those damn scales to come down.

I was reflecting this afternoon that waiting is the leading characteristic of my life at the moment. And that waiting is not a bad thing at all.

I like change. I generally embrace it, and have been known to throw myself into great changes, boots and all. I get itchy feet if I stay in one place for a while; I don’t know why or what that says about me. I don’t think I would have moved over 20 times, lived in four different countries and love multifarious jobs if I was afraid of change.

At the moment we are waiting to see if D gets a job with a big IT company. If he does, it will bring about some big changes. The role is a remote-work-from-anywhere job, so we’d like to move to my hometown, where we can actually afford to buy a house outright. We’re sick of renting and would like to be on the property ladder before D becomes a Minister. While my hometown is of course, familiar territory, I haven’t actually lived there since I was 18. I have a couple of friends who I have vaguely kept in touch with, but that’s about it. Like D, I will need to make new friends, which I enjoy doing as I’m an extrovert. D has never lived outside of Wellington before so it will be a big step out of his comfort zone.

If D doesn’t get this job, change is gonna come anyway. He isn’t enjoying his current job, but fortunately D is blessed with both genius and good-naturedness, which means that people seem to be falling over themselves to offer him jobs. It’s an enviable position to be in. With his skillset, D could probably find work anywhere in the world, so we’ve toyed with the idea of going overseas for a while. So who knows where we will end up?

Waiting is actually exciting – there is so much potential. I feel the same way about my wellness journey. Sure those scales went up instead of down. But they WILL go down. Since embarking on a sugar-free life, I have reaped many benefits.

I feel sated for longer. I don’t climb the walls if dinner is late, or go scrounging around for morning tea an hour after I’ve eaten breakfast. It all adds up to eating less.

I rarely think about eating sweet things; and on the occasions when I do, I don’t feel compelled to actually eat those foods.

Despite a few bouts of baby brain, I feel clearer and more mentally alert. I had some wicked mood swings while I was sick last week, but most of the time I feel on an even keel.

My taste buds are alive. It’s amazing how sugar dulls your sense of taste. When you’re off sugar, it’s suddenly so much easier to discern flavours.

My skin is clearer. I haven’t had a spot for quite a while.

Part of me is excited to see what difference lowering my carb intake will have. I have been a bit hungrier than normal, but thanks to being sugar-free anyway, I haven’t wanted to gnaw my arm off in desperation.

My cold turned into bronchitis and I haven’t been running in almost a week. I had to resort to antibiotics – which I hate taking, but as I have a history of developing pneumonia I have be safe rather than sorry. It was touch and go last week as to whether I would be well enough to go away on Tuesday for a mini-holiday. We’d planned to house-sit for my best friend R who lives out in the countryside. I was so looking forward to it, and was determined to go.

I stupidly forgot to take my antibiotics with me, but thought ‘meh, I’ll be ok. I’m feeling much better anyway’. WRONG. I managed to go for a good run on Wednesday, but it was clear by Thursday afternoon that I was not getting better. In fact, I got a whole lot worse. It was gross. Fortunately I was able to get more antibiotics on Friday. I’m now feeling almost human again – apart from freaking out at all the earthquakes we’re experiencing here in Wellington – and plan to resume running on Wednesday. I’d go tomorrow but D is getting up at ridiculous o’clock (he has a job interview with an American IT company) and I need to be on hand in case Eloise wakes up.

Anyhow, R lives near a city called Palmerston North. It’s a pretty typical New Zealand city. While we were there I went shopping in their mall as Eloise needed some new clothes. She is growing like a weed and is almost in one year old clothing despite being six months old! She’s going to be so tall…

It’s school holidays here at the moment so the mall was packed with kids and their parents. I noticed something that I’ve heard bandied about a lot in the media, but hadn’t appreciated for myself.

We’re fat. Our kids are fat.

It was like scales had fallen from my eyes. Almost everywhere I looked there were fat parents with their fat kids. Not just plump, but fat. I’m fat too, so I feel I can say these things. Most of the kids were chowing down on something unhealthy, or guzzling energy drinks (don’t get me started on how terrible those things are). The kids looked SICK. Sallow skin, spotty skin, stringy hair. I thought ‘My God, if I don’t sort my sh*t out, that will be Eloise’.

People, we are not only killing ourselves with our Western diet, but we are killing our children.

New Zealand is one of the fattest nations in the world, despite our clean, green, outdoorsy image. What kind of quality of life are these fat kids going to have? They’re headed for serious health problems, let alone constant bullying in school and beyond. I didn’t start putting on weight until I went to university, but let me tell you, it wasn’t fun being the ‘fat friend’ there.

I resolved on the spot to get myself to wellness, as hard a road as that may be. It’s been niggling at me to make other changes in my diet, other than cutting out sugar. Actually, when I say niggling, it’s more like God has been slapping me in the face with it. Almost everything I read at the moment seems to be leading me to eat fewer carbs, eat screeds of veges and ditch the margarine(actually, I did that last one ages ago).

I suspect cutting down carbs is going to be even harder than quitting sugar. I rely on bread and rice to fill me up. I cannot function without vegemite on toast. It’s the one food item in my life I simply must have. When I lived in America and in Korea my parents would lovingly ship Vegemite to me when my supply ran out. How can I start my day without it?

I finally read Nourishing Traditions, which talks about the necessity of eating animal fats – a bit like David Gillespie’s Big Fat Lies. It was a great read (thanks R, have ordered my own copy) and it certainly turns the Western diet on its head.

I don’t know about you guys, but I find the information out there on what we ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ be eating to be overwhelming. I’ll read a book and think ‘yep, that makes sense to me’, and then read another good book that contradicts the first. How is Joe Bloggs off the street supposed to make heads or tails of nutrition science? It seems to me that anyone can cite studies that back up their particular message, while ignoring the ones that don’t.

Another question: if I cut down on carbs, how is my family who live on one-and-a-bit income supposed to afford lots of meat like my Paleo eating friends do? And should I be anyway? Argh, it just does my head in.

For me, I’m not going to try to do anything but get back to basics. Food as it should be. No sugar, no refined carbs. Lots of veges.

Shortly after my last post, my laptop – I call him Nigel* – froze, and when rebooted refused to start up. D pronounced Nigel dead at the scene, saying I either needed a new hard drive or I should trade Nigel in for a sleeker, sexier model. I protested. I couldn’t part with Nigel! Nigel and I have been through so much together. Nigel was there during my darkest days of burnout. He was there when I recovered. He’s seen me get married and have a child. We have history, man. Besides, Nigel has all my photos.

I felt almost naked without Nigel. How would I write my blog? I love writing my blog, it’s like free therapy. With nice, encouraging people thrown in. It helps me keep track of how I’m doing, and keeps me honest. Also, how would I cope without my latest obsession of checking to see where in the world people are reading my blog? (Hello, Estonia. Thanks for stopping by.)

Fortunately D is a ridiculously-clever-genius-computer-guru, so he spent the last couple of days working like a trojan to fix it. I was in a bad mood about something else so he felt a little underwhelmed by my appreciation of his mad skills. Sorry D. You’re awesome. Thank you for your expertise and time.

I was in a total grump about something yesterday and I ate everything I could get my hands on. Sugar free of course. Gah! Comfort eating seems to be so ingrained in me. I know I’m doing it, I sit down and identify why, but still I eat. I really hope I can conquer this.
The only shining light in my sad pity party was that I didn’t cave in and eat chocolate, my usual go-to balm back in my addicted days.

I was foiled by rain today in my running ambitions, but I intend to go for a run first thing tomorrow. I’m actually looking forward to it.

This post is rather random, but the moral of the story is: Marry a computer geek. And try not to stuff your face when you’re having a bad day.

* I always name electrical appliances and cars. It’s way more fun to get mad at ‘Nigel’ or ‘Boris’ when they don’t work. Try it, you’ll see.