Sunday, October 25, 2009

I’ve been meaning to do this for awhile. I’m sure I’ll leave some things out, but here are the big ones:

1. If you are behind me trying to run me off the road and you KNOW I’ve just seen your headlights in my rear view mirror because I have put my blinker on to move over and let you pass, BACK OFF. I’m moving over for YOU. You don’t need to continue to try to run me off the road. It’s inevitable that I’m moving over. I’m just waiting until the other lane is clear, jackass.

2. If you try to pass people using the slow lane (especially if the fast lane is open and available for passing) you are a passive aggressive asshole and will be dealt with accordingly.

3. If you aren’t passing anyone, get OUT of the passing lane.

4. Yes, there IS a fast lane on a two lane parkway. If you’re going the same rate of speed as the car in the other lane, GET IN THE OTHER LANE WITH THAT CAR.

5. If someone flicks their beams at you, get out of their way. There’s a reason they’re doing it. It’s probably because you’ve been driving too slow for too long. Once this happens once, REMEMBER it for the future.

6. If the light says “no turn on red” and I’m waiting at it and you’re behind me, do NOT beep to try to encourage me to go anyway. If you beep, I WILL give you dirty looks and point at the “no turn on red” sign until you shut the fuck up.

7. When it’s time to merge, we have to weave ourselves together. This is practically the definition of the word ‘merge’. One car in at a time. This is called being civilized.

8. If there’s a traffic jam and we’re all waiting in it and I see you tearing past me in the breakdown lane to try to get 4 or 5 cars ahead, I am silently saying a prayer that you will die a slow and miserable death. You are a Type A jerk.

9. Trucks rule the road. Period. We may not like it, but it’s the truth. And most truckers are great drivers, so be nice to them. The bad ones are the exception.

10. Even with all of our technological advances, I still can’t predict if and when you’re going to turn unless you use your BLINKER, genius. I know, crazy, right?? And always remember… BLINKER BEFORE BRAKE LIGHTS.