Disappointed. And Dealing With It.

She was crushed when the other girls received their team leotards at the end of class last month. She was the only one who didn’t get one.

And it’s because we told her no.

It’s not the first time. And it won’t be the last.

No, she couldn’t start competing in gymnastics meets.

Here’s the thing, she really enjoys her hour and a half weekly gymnastics class. She’s getting stronger, learning new skills and likes hanging out with the other girls in her class. She’s flipping and bouncing and balancing and passe-ing and relave-ing like a boss.

BUT …. we’re not ready to start down the road of competitive gymnastics just yet.

Why? Because this is her first experience with any sport at all. And as much as she loves it, she’s constantly telling us she wants to try other things too. Soccer, basketball, lacrosse, tennis … you name it, she wants to try it.

I fully understand that when you join a team, there will be a commitment. And I also recognize that competitive (versus simply recreational) sports are taking on an increasingly younger demographic.

Her devastation over not getting a leotard made me question whether or not we’d made the right decision. But I also felt fairly certain that her devastation was over the sparkly leotard and NOT over competing. So I asked her.

I asked if she would be happy if they let her compete even though she wouldn’t have the team leotard. She said she wasn’t sure but she didn’t think so. Then I asked if she would be happy if she could have the leotard but not compete. And she said that would make her VERY happy.

That’s what I thought. Her only commitment so far is to the fashion 😉

She’s dealing with the disappointment, and we’ll continue with the once a week gymnastics classes as long as she likes. But she’s also super stoked to be starting tennis lessons in a few weeks. And in the meantime, she’s been showing us that maybe we should be looking for a rec lacrosse team too …

I have no idea how long it may take for her to find her thing, but I just don’t feel like she can do that until she’s had the opportunity to experience more of what’s out there.

And I won’t push her into something just because it’s what I did growing up. Sure, it would be easier if she played a sport that I played because I know/understand the sport, but that seems like the wrong way to make choices.

After all, I can assure you that I never made a paper dress as a kid. And learning how to do new things together has been way more fun for both of us.

Comments

I get what you’re saying. I think it kinda sucks shes the only one who isn’t on the team though, that must be really hard for her. It would have been a lot easier if like half the class went competitive and a few just did their weekly group.

And, for clarification, her class size is super small, and there are multiple classes throughout the week, so I don’t know how many of the kids from the other classes aren’t participating. BUT … we SO don’t want her to get in the herd mentality – you know, following along with what everyone else is doing, just because they’re doing it. I think it’s also pretty healthy for her to learn to deal with some disappointment. She’s had a pretty charmed life thus far, and if we don’t start teaching her how the world (outside her reality) works, we’re not helping …

It makes more sense that she’s the only one when you point out its a small class and there are many others thru the week. I just thought being the only one not getting to do something is probably hard for someone her age, and it would have soften the blow of not doing it if one other kid wasn’t. I think you’re def right she just wants the fun leo too haha.

I loved reading this!! I think you’re spot on! She’s a lucky little girl. It has been inspiring to watch your story unfold, and see that you are all just figuring it out as you go–and making thoughtful decisions. This little gal is going to be one to watch as she grows! 🙂

I agree with you 100%! There is nothing wrong with being the only kid not participating in something, especially if that something can lead her to a narrower path than what you want for her and let’s be honest, narrower than what she would want for herself. She is such a free spirit and leotards come and go but what she has is forever.

My kids tried all kinds of lessons when they were young… Swimming, ice skating, soccer, gymnastics football, baseball, basketball, cheer… they settled on their sports between 2nd-4th grade. They don’t really need to be competitive before then. Let her explore, and she will find her thing!

It’s totally about the sparkly leotard. I always wanted to be a ballerina (despite being a complete KLUTZ) and as I get older I’m starting to think it was for the tutus and pretty outfits, and because Angelina was a pretty cute ballerina and I wanted to be a cute ballerina. I’d say get her a sparkly leotard, but something tells me that kid is not hurting for cute fashions 😉

Also, way to not push her into being super competitive at such a young age. I know several parents who are more excited about these sports than their kids are. They live for driving to events, sharing photos, bragging about the kids. You wonder if the kids will have the courage to tell their parents when they’re no longer having fun.

I had to do the same with my daughter she is in ballet, soccer and on a bowling league as of right now. She was so disappointed that she was not going to be in her ballets recital. We told her she had to choose what she wanted to really do. Soccer is her number one passion, so she choose soccer and told her maybe next year if she is still in ballet we can revisit.
It’s hard to say no but we have to make those hard decisions for them. But I made her feel like she made that decision even though I knew what the answer would be and made it ahead of time.

I love this. I love this so much. My mother pushed me into dance, because she always wanted to do it and couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I loved dance. (I still love dance. It’s ingrained in my soul. And as an adult, I’ve embraced it.) However I also really wanted to do soccer, because I loved that too, but I was always told I needed to take x number of dance classes a week and there was no time for soccer. By high school, I was burnt out. I had a room full of trophies, but I dreaded going to practice. In a rebellious move, I joined the cheerleading squad at my school (NOT competitive btw), which left me no time for weekend competitions since I had to be at football games all fall. I think as a society, we tend to push kids into one thing when they’re young because we’re afraid if they don’t start competing young or join that traveling baseball team, they won’t become great…they won’t make it to the major leagues…or get that college scholarship. When did we forget to let kids be kids?
But reading this just made me smile. Mayhem has the world at her fingertips. Her creativity and the way she sees the world continually amaze (and inspire) me. And when she does find “her thing,” she’s going to have her mom to thank for saying no to the sparkly team leotards.

Oh my goodness Cate – I’m not even sure where to begin other than to let you know how very much I appreciate you sharing your story! Because of what we do (photography), we see kids day in and day out who are pushed to the max – especially with that “we’re doing it for a scholarship” line attached.

It’s obvious in many cases that the kid has checked out or burned out, and yet the push is still on. And if they even mention trying something new, the idea won’t be entertained because they have too many years/training invested.

I, too, know parents who’ve hired personal trainers/strength coaches for their eight-year-olds with the intention that there WILL be a scholarship or PRO career coming. And I can’t help but wonder, “Is that what the kid wants too?”

Thanks again for sharing your story – I know you are not alone in your experience!!!

Good for you mama! Learning to deal with disappointment is one of the great skills our kids need. I am a stay at home mom of two. One now in college and one a high school senior. My husband is a middle school band teacher. We live modestly in an area with lots of money, and sports. I spent many many years telling them no… And it was hard for them to “not get what Bobby has, or you have to earn that xyz thing.” As a result they are pretty resilient, and know the meaning of hard work paying off. Stick to it! She is a lovely kid!!

I love everything about this, Hillary! We see so much pressure on families based on where they live (which school districts, etc.) to keep up with what “everyone else” is doing, and it’s madness. I bet your kids are fantastic for the lessons/values you’ve instilled! 🙂

Excellent decision, I think. You’re right, you never know as a parent if you’re making the right decisions for your child. I have a 20-year-old college student and I still wonder about the choices made along the way on his behalf. But I like to tell myself that he will find his own path at some point. Everyone does, right?

Fingers crossed 😉 I know we’ll be questioning our decisions as we go, but I’m going to have a little faith that we’ll be able to analyze and make adjustments too … we’ve settled into the idea that this questioning thing will be a forever thing though 😉

I just want you to know that one day if my husband and I are blessed enough to have a child, I hope that I’m able to be self-aware enough to parent with a similar mentality and approach that you have taken.

You realizing that the only reason she wanted to be on the team was because of the outfit may not seem like a giant thing to you but a lot of parents would allow her to do it after she cried. I do not want to be that type of parent. Crying is healthy and learning is healthy and I hope that ‘Mayhem’s’ parents know that they are doing the right thing 🙂

My husband and I watch your snapchats and use them as discussion points on what we notice about your parenting style. We love them! Hopefully, this blog comment gives you the boost to keep going, and keep up the good work!

Thank you SO much A & W!!! You did give us a boost 🙂 It’s always tough when you put an opinion out there, especially when you know so many people (that you respect!) on the other side of the issue.

Parenting (for us) is a never ending series of observing, trying stuff, seeing what happens, and making adjustments. And I truly believe that everyone is doing it right! And wrong! … Meaning that there is no ONE way to do things. I have complete and total respect for different choices that friends make, because they’re all doing it for the right reasons – they believe it’s what’s best for their kids and their family.

My parents went through a similar thing with me when I was the same age and taking dance classes. I think I turned out alright 🙂 I do remember the heartbreak though, feeling like I wasn’t part of the group, but I got over it and it was fine. My mother didn’t want to be one of those dance moms, carting my sister and I around to dance recitals every other weekend, she just wanted us to have some fun and learn some new things. I think kids now are so overcommitted with structured extracurricular activities. Let kids be kids! She’s so young still and I think its smart to let her experience different things in a more relaxed, fun, and less competitive way! Great choice. I mean look at the incredible things she creates when left alone to freely express herself. She’s an inspiring kiddo.

Heather – I hear SO much of this from parents with kids in dance. Generally speaking they tell me “don’t let her dance!!!” and it’s because the time commitment has taken over their lives and they wish they had more family time. But then, once they’re in, they also feel like it’s tough to get out. I would definitely let her try a dance class if she wanted to (so far though, no interest) but I wouldn’t let anyone pressure us into anything. Kudos to your mom for making a great decision for your family, I’m sure you and your sister are great people and I bet that decision was best for you 🙂

My parents let me try everything I wanted to. I had to make a commitment for one season, year, term, etc. so if it was soccer, I had to stick with it for one season and if I didn’t like it, I could try something else. But I had to be doing SOMETHING. I could t stay home and do nothing. Turns out, I’m a terrible soccer player but a pretty good singer and dancer. So musical theatre was and still IS my thing. There was one time, though, in soccer when it got really contentious because of some of the parents and my folks pulled me out because it ceased to be a productive environment. I applaud you for letting your little one explore herself and her identity. She’s got a pretty creative brain! Maybe she’ll take to languages some day like I did!

that is the same for us when it was time to decide whether to go into grading for our daughter’s ballet and piano. she’s almost 9yo and has been doing these for over 3yrs. she’s also pretty good at it, which is why her teachers have asked us to put her in grading. we decided that we won’t, or not this year at least. there’s too many things that need a certain score (regular schoolwork for example) in order to see progress, we didn’t want something that she enjoys to be given a score as well. there is a time for that, but the time isn’t now. i guess parenting is finding when the ‘now’ is. and i feel you when they want to do sports that you don’t understand! i thank the heavens above that our son hasn’t shown interest in cricket (yet?) ! whoever said babies are harder to take care of than teens and tweens clearly haven’t spent time by a sporting field’s sidelines and was always two seconds late to cheer on her son’s team! thanks, Mayhem and Mayhem’s mama! you make my life brighter! 😘

I am totally with you here. I have let my 6 year old do dance, gymnastics, soccer and basketball. If she wants to try lacrosse and softball cool. i have avoided any travel teams for this reason and stick to the rec leagues. When she finds a love she can do it for now I just want her to experience everything she can.

As a former competitive gymnast from age 6 to 13 (and now a 22 year old Communications major), I can honestly say I agree with this post. Gymnastics is a HUGE commitment, some might say one of the most commitment-based sports out there. I remember all the pressure that went along with it, too, because not only was there the pressure of competing, but the pressure of remembering your routine and completing each skill without falling (or splitting the beam, ouch!). And gymnastics asks so much of children at such a young age. I mentioned age 6 because that’s when I started COMPETING, i.e. waking up very early in the morning to drive from Atlanta to Macon on a Saturday to compete, while other kids haven’t even woken up yet. And spending most evenings at the gym peeling rips the size of nickels off your hands. Despite everything I just wrote, gymnastics is a very exciting and fun sport to take on, but my advice to everyone is you’d better be sure your child actually knows what they’re getting into, and loves it, because competitive gymnastics really isn’t a sport after all, it’s a lifestyle.

Good for you! As a kid, I was lucky enough to try a variety of things without taking the “competitive” track. I did dance at our city’s rec center- practice once a week, one end-of-the-session performance complete with tutus, not competitive at all but still fun enough to get the full experience. I did many other things too, and didn’t find out about water polo until high school, but it’s totally my sport and I play competitively now that I’m old enough to really find my thing. It’s great as a kid to be able to keep your mind open-I never would have been able to do what I loved in high school if I’d committed to something at such a young age!

I remember the strong pull of the herd mentality when I was a kid and how devastated (from a dramatic child’s POV) I felt when my parents wouldn’t toe the herd line like I was hoping they would (usually involving ‘it girl’ sleepovers or something with a hefty price tag and a short shelf life). You’re demostrating (loving) discernment and how to cope with ‘life after no’ which will help her develop inner strength and resilience so when she’s an adult and has to make choices, field disappointments or survive those ‘some days I’m the pigeon and some days I’m the statue’ moments without the both of you, she’ll know how to navigate forward no matter what she’s facing.

This is so great! I completely agree. My mom had my sister and I in a lot of activities as children, and we loved it! She also, like you, didn’t let us participate in the class’ ballet/jazz/hip hop recital and I remember feeling down, too. We also did basketball, painting, cheerleading, tons of volunteering, photography, etc. To be honest, nothing ever “stuck” with us as teenagers or adults. However, people and culture did! The exposure to different types/personalities of people made us into better teenagers and now adults. And for this, I am most thankful for. – Great job, Mayhem’s Mama!

Kudos to you guys for making a good but hard choice for her. She’s gotta be a kid and have time to figure out what she does and doesnt like. A coworkers little does competitive dance and not only is it her life it’s THEIR life. Every weekend and then she is missing out on relating to kids at school everyday because she misses other activities. Plenty of time to become the prodigy in something one day! Love your blog!

When I was a child I wanted to be a Girl Scout badly but my mother refused. My father was very strict and she knew that he would not allow me to attend any sleepaway activities and that it would be heartbroken every time he would deny permission. Therefore, she would rather I did not belong to a troupe. This was in the 80’s, and it was clear to me then, as it is now, that all I wanted was to be able to wear their uniform to school on Fridays. I loved their green berets, and knee high socks with tassles plus the button down shirt with their logo. I was dying to wear that. Inwas not interested in camping at all!! But my mom did not believe me. LOL I commend you for speaking to her about it and reasoning through the decision. Competition teams will be there when she and you are ready.

Love this! I don’t have kids of my own but I played multiple sports all throughout my life. I never settled on one. I started off in rec leagues and eventually moved to travel teams for some of the sports. The rule was I could quit when the season ended. The only exception to that rule was ballet and karate. Terrible experiences from the start and there’s always exceptions to the rule 😉 In the fall I played soccer, in the winter I played basketball, sometimes floor hockey and indoor soccer and then in the spring I played softball. I was constantly busy with practice and games but it made me great at managing my time. I never felt severe pressure to perform because I wasn’t focused on just one sport. I was well-rounded and enjoyed the changing of the seasons. Over the years I met wonderful coaches who taught me so much and I’m forever grateful for the experience. I hope to give this experience to my children one day.

As someone who grew up in that lifestyle, I have no regrets but I also love that you’re encouraging her to try EVERYTHING before settling on one interest to consume so much of her (and your) time. There are plenty of years ahead of her to be competitive (in sports, in school, in the work place), and I agree that she needs to do what she does best for now: be a kid. (And OK, partner with Barbie, design a desk for Formica, attend a fashion week or two, be named a Variety woman of the year and build a cardboard city on the side 😉 )

YOU are an excellent example of the competitive sports thing done right! You did what you enjoyed and THRIVED in that atmosphere. Also, you have an incredibly supportive family that was involved (hello Coach JeJe) and I think that’s awesome. You also have such a broad area of interests and I know some of that comes from all of the traveling you guys did together too. High five that JeJe for me – she did a pretty outstanding job 🙂

I read today you entry about her latest tennis match against a boy “She Won and She lost”, and I don’t know, but I wanted to scroll back and read this entry. I’m not a mom yet… but I’m sure it was hard seeing her dissapointment back then… but, hey, look at here she is now! Ask her again if she still wants that sparkly leo!