The holiday ends with you having a barbecue with the man himself. At least he’s a good cook.

“Yes, I could definitely eat a 14th steak if you’d be good enough to go back over to the barbecue yet again. There’s not enough heat left to cook with, you say? I’m sure there is. You’ll just have to cook it for longer. You’ll just have to cook it for much, much longer. That’s right. Stay over there, slightly further away from me for much, much longer.”

We found this via a link on Hayden’s Twitter feed, which read: “Come and play in my back yard.”

Not sure why we clicked it really. There was no possible good outcome.

Apparently, Jimmy was sitting in the changing rooms and Michael Clarke was giving off some sort of ill-defined arrogant vibe. Anderson told Martyn that he wanted to wrap a pad round the back of his head. Martyn told him to do it.

“I looked at him again as if to ask: ‘Are you sure?’

“‘Do it!’ he repeated.

“As I’d had a couple of beers, I didn’t need a second invitation.”

That sounds rather like he did need a second invitation to us, but whatever. Jimmy applied pad to head; people swore; nothing much happened.

However, clearly feeling like he was playing a blinder, it seems Damien Martyn later managed to get himself in some sort of argument with Matthew Hayden.

This seems fair enough to us, except for the fact that Hayden delivered the most outlandish insult we’ve ever heard – he called Martyn “the biggest wanker on the planet”.

Now, we could sort of forgive the error if someone else had said the same thing. But if you yourself are the biggest wanker on the planet, you KNOW the inaccuracy of what you are saying.

In 2006, we started writing about how Matthew Hayden spoke bollocks. At that point, his batting drew most people’s attention and it hadn’t been widely acknowledged that the man was sucking all meaning out of words and then piling them together arbitrarily. Now everyone has noticed.

Even Michael Atherton’s slagging him off for talking nonsense now, so in many ways our work is done. The world is well-equipped to mock Hayden’s cod-business guff-talking without us.

Our latest article for Cricinfo comes as a result of Hayden investing in the Big Bash League. It has to be the last thing we do about Matthew Hayden, but we fear it won’t be. It says it all that Cricinfo usually add a disclaimer about all quotes being made-up, but it wasn’t necessary in this instance, because we used genuine quotes. The man is officially a self-parody.

That said, it’s gone down amazingly well in the comments section, with one person saying that Alan Tyers is merely 10 times better than us. Another, who really seems to like it, describes us as being ‘almost as good as Andrew Hughes’.