Grammar

One of my first blog posts was my seminal piece on the art of small talk. Although no one will admit it, I believe that it has shaped a generation’s approach to mindless nattering with total strangers. Likewise, my tome on the keys to success swept the nation in the same sort of low-key manner. As the voice of my generation, I now offer simple steps to effective speaking.

As a lawyer, I speak in public. It neither thrills nor frightens me. It’s just what I have to do on occasion. Sometimes, I speak in court hearings and trials. Occasionally I deliver talks to attorneys or other unfortunates on such topics as legalizing child labor and the law of Internet pornography. Of course, I’m joking–those topics might actually fascinate some people. My topics are more obscure–even arcane. As a result, am I forced to spice up my presentations with such things as this clip for the classic film Road House. You might think that would be difficult to work in to a talk about coal mine safety, but I did it.

You may not have a good speaker voice. Don’t worry. I don’t, either. It’s not necessary to sound like Morgan Freeman. But, if you do, you don’t need any of these pointers. People will listen to you just to hear your voice. The rest of us need help.

What makes a good speaker? I’m not sure that I qualify as one, but I’ve heard some good ones in my time. Beyond my earlier observations on chit-chat, speaking takes many forms–both public and private. Over the years, I have become at least competent in my communication skills. Thus, I want to offer my suggestions and observations.

SPEAK CLEARLY

My wife accuses me of mumbling. I grew up in Eastern Kentucky where mumbling is an accepted form of communication, and I make no apologies for that. I would note that I believe my wife has significant hearing loss, perhaps from stress fractures to the delicate bones in her ears caused by cranial vibration induced by her own shrill screaming. That debate is best left for another forum. However, my father–who was almost completely deaf–always accused my mother of mumbling. So there. Where was I?

You want to speak with a loud, clear voice. If possible, speak louder than everyone else. In this way, you will be authoritative and sound like you are “in the know.” Here is an example:

THEM: I heard that [INSERT NAME OF POLITICIAN].…

YOU: HE’S A COMPLETE IDIOT!!!

By subtly insinuating yourself into the discussion, you have commandeered the conversation. Also, your insight will persuade others to join your “side” of the discussion. You come away looking knowledgeable while your unfortunate friend is branded a gadfly or even a simpleton.

This tip is vitally important if you encounter someone who doesn’t speak English. This can happen with no warning–unless you are a bigot engaged in racial profiling. Recently, at a fast food restaurant, I was approached by a young man who addressed me in a language that no sane person could understand. He may have been asking me a question. He could have been cursing God for all I know. I offered this response: “Do you speak English?” He misunderstood and prattled on. I then took control of the conversation by fairly yelling: “DO…YOU…SPEAK…ENGLISH?” He said “No” and walked away. There are two important lessons here: 1) It’s possible that people who don’t speak your native tongue may understand it if your scream it slowly; and 2) No one likes being yelled at, even in a foreign language.

Note, too, that yelling may even work with the deaf. Once, a man handed me a card which read: “I AM DEAF. NEED MONEY FOR FOOD.” I yelled: “SORRY. I CAN’T HELP YOU.” He pointed at his ears and walked away. See, it works.

Most importantly, you might know my wife. She doesn’t like mumbling. You know how she is.

CURSING

Whether it’s called cursing, swearing or potty mouth, foul language has long been condemned by skilled speakers. I once read that repeated cursing chops up one’s message rendering it nothing but a series of short, disconnected thoughts. Your larger message is lost.

To this advice, I say BULLSHIT! Many times, such language is all that can adequately deliver your message. More often, it can set the tone for your entire oratory. Here is an example. Let us suppose that you are asked to give a talk at your church. Naturally, you lack formal religious training. At best, you will make a fool of yourself. At worst, you will offend both the parishioners and God Himself. One approach would be to memorize a few scriptures and meditate upon them in prayer, asking for the right words. Good luck with that. Another approach is to immediately grab your listeners with an opening salvo along these lines:

LISTEN UP, YOU BUNCH OF MOTHER—-ERS!!

The congregation will be rocked by this forceful opening. They will immediately think “There must be a strong message from the Lord to follow.” You can then launch into a recklessly inaccurate sermon peppered with occasional obscenities that will hold the listener’s attention.

This approach works in casual conversation as well. Nothing will impress your friends more than your adroit use of all manner of filth. Let’s say you are in a conversation with someone far more educated than you. You make a casual comment about, say, the invention of the linotype machine, which you foolishly attribute to Grover Cleveland. Your friend says “Well, the linotype was actually invented by Ottmar Mergenthaler.” What do you do now? You could stare at your feet and excuse yourself from the conversation. Here is the better approach: Lock eyes with your friend and declare: “YOU, SIR, ARE GODDAMNED LIAR!!” (be sure to speak loudly as advised above). You have turned the tables on Mr. Know-It-All. Not only have you challenged his assertion, you have done so in a way that calls into question his credibility in general. Bystanders, unconcerned as they might be with the inanity of the topic, will view you as man with whom to be reckoned. You can bet that no one will take exception to you again in a public setting.

KNOW YOUR TOPIC

I can’t stress this one enough. No manner of loud swearing is an adequate substitute for knowing your subject matter. This is especially so if, like me, there are people who actually believe you know about certain things. If you have been in that unenviable position, you know it almost impossible to know enough about anything to intelligently speak for more than 5 minutes or so.

One approach is to research and carefully study your topic. Okay, that will work if you have no life and want to waste what precious time you have on the planet on such endeavors. Another approach is to pay someone who does know about the topic to prepare a PowerPoint presentation for you. Then, you can simply babble from slide to slide until your allotted time has been used up.

Another approach is to simply make up your talk from whole cloth. In the legal profession, this is especially effective. Usually, I speak at continuing legal education seminars where no one listens anyway. I can say anything! Almost no one listens, and the few who do don’t know anymore than I do. If someone asks me a question, I can either make up something or simply fire back “SHUT THE F— UP!”

The same pointers work in casual conversation. Ignorance has never shut anyone up as far as I know. As long as you talk incessantly, loudly and obscenely, you’re bound to say something close to accurate. Again, remember: Few people listen to you anyway. Thus, it’s never what you say that matters. It’s how you say it.

USE AN ACCENT

I have an accent. It’s Eastern Kentucky. Sadly, no matter what I say, to many people it sounds dumb. That’s because they think Eastern Kentuckians are dumb. You probably have an accent, too, unless you are from Nebraska or Kansas or some other accent-less part of the country. If you are a foreigner, you almost certainly have an accent, and it may be a really good one.

If you have a bad one, try another. British always works. Have you ever heard the BBC News? Everything sounds important. The moment the word “schedule” (SHED-yule) slides across your tongue, everything you say will sound authoritative. Consider Madonna. She is from Michigan but speaks with a British accent. How about eccentric actor Johnny Depp? Like me, he is from Kentucky, yet he has a vague, non-specific Euro accent. Neither of these marvelous entertainers is well-educated, but both sound erudite and informed. Isn’t that the whole point of speaking aloud?

There are many other accents available. Spanish, for example, sounds worldly and sophisticated. A word of caution–unless you master it, you may sound like Tony Montana and terrify the listener. This isn’t good unless that’s your goal. There are pluses and minuses of other accents:

Scottish: Kinda British but less understandable. You’ll sound friendly, if a tad odd.

Canadian: You’ll sound like a plain, white American, except you’ll say “aboot” instead of “about.” I’m not sure how that will help you.

Irish: Also possibly incomprehensible, plus the listener may believe you to be under the influence of strong drink. Has the plus side of being sort of funny.

German: You will sound commanding and more than a little frightening. Especially effective with curse words. If you actually speak the German language, everything sounds like cursing.

Russian: Extra terrifying. Great if you like to pretend to be spy.

Swedish: Goofy, but good if you don’t want the listener to understand you.

Australian: A rougher form of the British accent. You’ll sound less intelligent but considerably more dangerous.

Asian: Just avoid this one. The prospect of speaking stereotypical pidgin English is too great. Also, if you’re not, in fact, Asian, the listener will simply believe you are odd.

My accent is not always a drawback. The Eastern Kentucky accent adds just the right tone to such rejoinders as “I’ll whip your ass” or “What the hell are you looking at?” No Brit can deliver such messages with the same force.

GRAMMAR

Good grammar is good and important, at least according to my late mother. I don’t really know nothing about that, so I’ll move on.

USE THE RIGHT WORD

Some suggest using simple words. I guess this is good advice if you spend your time speaking to morons who are unlikely to understand anything you say anyway. I suggest using poorly understood words like sardonic, disaffected, nonplussed and irregardless. That way, you appear superior to the listener. Even if you don’t know what these words mean, use them anyway. No one else understands them, either.

You might say of an acquaintance: “Carl just don’t give a shit about nothing.” Admittedly, that’s an effective use of an expletive; however, consider this alternative: “Carl has a disaffected attitude about everything.” Have you praised or insulted Carl? It’s hard to say, isn’t it? The listener can be the judge.

Call someone obsequious or an opsimath. You can refer to this post as an amphigory. Accuse someone of being an irresponsible jackanapes. I like to call people wastrels, slugabeds and layabouts. Don’t bother looking up the definitions. Just use them.

The use of indecipherable language might seem counterintuitive. It is true that such use is unwise in the rare event that you want to be understood. If you want to make an impression, though, there is no better way than to talk like you’re smarter than everyone else. Do you want to be understood by complete idiots or by smart people?

CONCLUSION

Most of us have much to say but lack the skills to say it. Honing your verbal skills is the key to making yourself heard, if not understood. Now, go out there and talk to someone.

You may have found my advice inconsistent and even useless. If so, so be it. Better yet, JUST SHUT THE… . You get it.

Did you ever think you might not be all that smart? If you’re really dumb, you probably haven’t. I’ve think about it sometimes, even though I seem to be fairly bright. Of course, if I’m not so smart, I’ll probably would like I’m smarter than I really I am.

I’d rather have almost any problem that dumbness. Almost. Horrible diseases would be worse, as would disfiguring scars. Face tattoos may be worse. Morbid obesity, too, but you might be able to do something about that.

I recently wrote a post about stupidity and one its key elements–dumbness. After I wrote it, it got me thinking (See? I’m not dumb). My observations, while spot on as usual, are of no aid to a man or woman who does not realize his or her own dumbness. While my post may have been of benefit in identifying the dumb or truly stupid, it left a gaping hole. How do you know if you yourself are dumb or possibly even stupid?

It strikes me that the truly dumb don’t know it. How could they? If someone pointed it out, they may not understand. This would be especially true if that someone was a smart person. It may all be above their heads.

I thought devising a quiz for dumbness. But the dumb probably aren’t good test-takers. How could they trust the test results?

Instead, I offer certain red flags for your consideration. Below are telltale signs of dumbness. I don’t write this to offend, although I surely will. Consider it a public service:

YOU BELIEVE IN CONSPIRACIES

The dumber you are the more conspiracies you believe. Even believing in just one is a bad sign. Multiple? Uh oh. Here’s the deal with conspiracies: They get found out. People can’t keep their mouths shut. Someone talks.

Here’s a helpful rule of thumb: If you believe in a conspiracy and at least one of the conspirators is alive, it probably didn’t happen.

Let’s take the JFK assassination, the grand daddy of all conspiracies. Quite a few smart people believe this one. According to the theorists, Lee Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby, Clay Shaw, J.D. Tippit, Lyndon Johnson, The Warren Commission, the Mafia and many, many others were all involved. There are many variations on this conspiracy, enough to fill several books–which they have. None of the conspirators ever cracked and made public their story. Weird, huh? Hundreds–maybe thousands–of people coordinated to kill one man and everyone kept their mouth shut. Do you know why? BECAUSE IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.

What about the moon landing? Lots of folks think it didn’t happen. Are you one of them? They can point to many “facts” supporting their claims. All of those have been debunked; however, any skeptic is just part of the conspiracy. I was a kid when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Another kid told me that it couldn’t happen because “the moon would turn to blood.” It didn’t.

How about 9/11? Think George W. Bush orchestrated it? If so, he is the most evil and diabolical mind to ever sit in the White House. Do you really believe that?

There are a couple of things that drive conspiracies. One is that some things seem too big not to be part of some larger evil. How could a little piss ant like Lee Oswald shoot the President? How could a bunch of loons just waltz into our country and fly planes into buildings? There must be some explanation! Other things–like the moon landing–are so fantastic that they lend themselves to wild theories.

Sadly, dumbness also drives conspiracy theories. I’m sure some dumb guy reading this now thinks I’m in the CIA. Maybe I am.

YOU HATE SMART PEOPLE

Do you think smart people lack “common sense?” Do you think people who attend the top universities are “elitists?” Do you call people who excel academically names, like “nerd” and “dork?” If so, you have a great chance of being dumb.

The really smart folks are the ones who made our lives worth living. They invented almost everything. I’m sure there a few things that dumb guys invented, maybe the toilet paper holder or Bluetooth headsets. Regardless, smart people have made most of the good stuff.

A guy once told me that I lacked common sense because I didn’t know how to trap a bear. Really? If you find yourself saying something like, stop. You are treading the path of dumbness.

Likewise, people who attend the finest universities in our country also tend to be smart. Okay, there are some “legacies” who get in these schools, too. (George W. Bush, the entire Kennedy family, etc.). Overall, though, these are the best and the brightest. Be glad they go to these schools. They come up with stuff like microwave ovens, satellites, cell phones, face transplants and computer software. Of course, you don’t have to go to one of these schools to do well, but it won’t hurt you.

Plenty of smart don’t go to the best schools. Bill Gates is an example. They’re still plenty smart. They’re not elitists. They’re just smart. If you don’t understand that, well…..you get the picture. Or maybe not.

Oh, being well-educated doesn’t necessarily make you smart. I’m a lawyer, and there are plenty of dumb lawyers.

Smart people are the ones you are tempted to deride by pointing out their lack of social graces or general “coolness.” They’re also probably signing your pay checks.

YOU USE NON-WORDS

There are a lot of words in the English language, probably thousands. I’m sure other languages have just as many or even more than we do. There’s really no reason to make up words. I’m not talking about colloquialisms or even words like “ain’t.” As we know, “ain’t” ain’t a word, but we use it. Where I grew up, it’s as much a part of the language as any other word. I’m really talking about words that just flat aren’t words. Here’s a partial list:

Supposably

Irregardless

Hain’t (the correct word is “ain’t.”)

Mater

Efforting

Ath-a-lete

Drowneded

Excape

Orientate

Interpretate

Nucular

Reoccur

Of course, this list could go on and on. Don’t even get me started on things like “I could care less,” which means you actually do care, at least to some extent. If you continually use fake words, you might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer. Stop it. If you can stop, then you’re not dumb. If you don’t understand any of this…you know that means. I guess.

YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET

The Internet is wonderful. It’s hard to imagine life before it, although many of us remember those times. We would thumb through over-sized newspapers, staining our hands with news print just to find out what yesterday. Now, the world is instantaneously at our fingertips. The downside, of course, is that the Internet is available to everyone without filter and certainly without editors.

Here’s a story I heard on the Internet last Fall:

President Obama is planning to throw the 2012 Election. He has already built a massive compound in Hawaii to which he will move in January 2013. He will then be named Secretary-General of the UN. Then, he will be free to live openly as a Muslim. He will then impose a one-world order. He and Michelle will get divorced so that he can then live as a gay man. It is well-known that he and Rahm Emanuel belong to a Chicago gay men’s club called the Down Low Club.

I didn’t make that up. Google it. It’s out there. It seems that this story wasn’t true, but people believed it. Someone emailed it to me. If you believe stories like this, it isn’t good. If it’s on the Internet, it may not be true, especially if doesn’t sound true. Here are some other things on the Internet that aren’t true:

The government has a plan to put computer chips under our hides.

Members of Congress get paid their full salaries for life.

Obama wears a secret Muslim ring.

The UN has a plan to confiscate all our guns.

Starbucks won’t serve members of the military.

Again, this is just a small sampling. If you read something on the Internet-especially if it is about someone you despise–think about it. If you’re even half-way smart, you’ll be suspicious of the fake ones.

Just don’t believe what you read on the Internet. In fact, you’re on the Internet right now (unless you’ve taken to printing my popular blog). You shouldn’t even believe this. Trust me.

Here’s a test. Log on to Facebook. Scroll. Soon, you will see a post about some outrageous offense, usually involving a politician. If you are tempted to “like” or repost it, STOP. Google the story or go to Snopes.com (which, by the way, is not funded or owned by George Soros). If you believe the story regardless of proof to the contrary, oh well.

CONCLUSION

If you question whether you’re dumb, you probably aren’t, unless it’s because people are always telling you that you’re dumb. Of course, if those people are themselves dumb, it may not mean anything.

I do not consider myself as expert nor am I fit to judge. I am, however, fit to offer my opinions, dumb or not. After all, this is the Internet. Irregardless, it has to be true.