1. How to buy a ticket

Scary Tube moment: the rejecting "bloop" of a credit-less Oyster card. High-priced paper tickets can still be bought for the Tube, but have been made more or less obsolete by a cheaper electronic service known -- probably because it makes you gag when swallowed whole -- as Oyster.

2. How to make the most of the Tube

"It shouldn't take us long to cross town." London's underground network is actually mostly overground and stretches from the heart of the city to the fringes of the countryside.

You can take the Metropolitan line out to Amersham where it's not unusual to see a cow peering at you through the window. You can ride north on the Piccadilly line to Cockfosters, simply to snicker at the name.

You can even travel out to Heathrow Airport in marginally less time than it takes to fly to Shanghai.

3. How to arrive on time

The 24-hour society does not exist in the Tube. Punctuality is not an option when using the Tube. The more urgent your journey, the longer it will take you to get there.

Not surprisingly -- given the daily miracle of delivering 3 million commuters via a 150-year-old rail network -- failed signals, engineering works or driver illness mean delayed arrivals are inevitable.

Sadly, the Tube has become a handy scapegoat for all unrelated tardiness. Missed a deadline? Blame the Tube. Overslept? Blame the Tube.

It has also become a source of misguided hope. Across London there are scores of people jilted at the altar who still cling vainly to the hope their feckless ex-partners have merely been delayed by switching problems at High Barnet.

4. How to relax

Enough delays for 80 winks. It's easy to be lulled by the gentle rocking of a warm Tube carriage, so don't be embarrassed about grabbing a quick nap.

Dozing off on the shoulder of a complete stranger is perfectly acceptable on the London Underground, provided you don't drool and have no objection to being laughed at or Instagrammed by hipsters.

Unfortunately, the Circle Line loop no longer runs trains on a continuous circuit, but the Northern Line will usually oblige with enough delays to offer an uninterrupted eight hours of sleep.

5. How to be chivalrous

Want a nine-month ticket to a free seat? London Underground regulations insist passengers give up their seats to women expecting babies.

In winter months, when many people wear bulky coats or tuck into Christmas treats, this can lead to confusion. Is that stomach bump down to pregnancy, padding or pies?

Thankfully, because scientists have proven British people actually can die of embarrassment, transport authorities now remove the guesswork by issuing moms-to-be with badges clearly signaling “baby on board.”

6. How to navigate

Standard bearer since the 1930s.Based on a 1930s concept by draftsman Harry Beck, the official Tube map is a thing of beauty. But this idiot-proof chart is unnecessary for anyone with a keen eye and a good nose.

Tube architects and designers have given each individual line its own look and feel. All are color-coded, featuring style flourishes in train carriages and station buildings.

They also have their own unique odors. There are the engine oil and electrical smells borne on the warm winds of the Central Lines. And the sewer smells that haunt the Jubilee.

Some are relatively fragrant. Mercifully, the Hammersmith and City does not live up to its unfortunate rhyming slang nickname.

7. How to pass the time

Joyous revelry on the Tube -- one of England's rarest sights. Statistics show Londoners can spend up to 18 months of their lives commuting, although not usually on a single journey -- unless they live along the Northern Line.

In any other country, that would be a perfect opportunity to chat to fellow passengers and make new friends. But not in London.

For many people, the Tube is a sanctuary. With no mobile phone signals, an embarrassed silence hangs in the air, giving it the feel of a Cistercian monastery or an English dinner party.

No matter how bored you are, you must not break this silence. Instead pass the time by reading the amusing place names on the Tube map. Did we mention Cockfosters?

8. How to open the doors

Doors will open automatically. Never press the “open door” button. This does not function and is there merely to humiliate visitors and give passengers something to laugh at when Cockfosters starts to wear thin.