Category: Politics

The Macedonian Parliament voted on Friday to pass a resolution that changes the country’s name, from the awkwardly long “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia” to a more viking-sounding one: Republic of North Macedonia. This is expected to solve the decades old dispute with Greece and allow the small Balkan country to keep its EU membership dreams alive. Realising that it is so easy to change a country’s name, 10 other countries followed suit, in a quest to make their own nations more attractive.

The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland will change its name to The United Kingdom of Incompetence

The Russian Federation will change its name to The Federation of Ex-Soviet States and the North Pole

Hungary (Magyarorszag) just voted to change its name to NemSorosOrszag

Turkey will now be called The Islamic Republic of the North Saudi Ghetto

Venezuela is as of today the Poor People’s Republic of No Food

Moldova changed its name to East Romania, which is their only hope to enter the European Union

Only hours after Hungary’s Prime Minister Viktor Orban boosted on social media that he got himself a brand new rhinoceros, the visibly distressed animal managed to escape Orban’s shed and run free through the streets of Budapest, the Hungarian capital. The Ecuadorian Ambassador was quick to spot the animal while eating a dinner gulash with her husband in downtown Budapest. She immediately called home and suggested Ecuador offers asylum to the rhinoceros. The Ecuadorian President was quick to say yes, willing to keep the reputation of his country as one that offers shelter to those in need, unless they have a cat.

“I was eating some gulash, minosegi dish, they cook great stuff at this place close to St. Istvan Basilica you know, although customer service is rubbish. Anyway, I see this rhinoceros and from the terrified look on his face I know in an instant that he’s been around Orban. You can tell, you know, that man stinks both physically and morally. Of course we had to provide asylum as soon as possible, exotic animals are the last ones with some hope in this country” said Maria del Carmen Gonzalez Cabal, Ecuadorian Ambassador in Hungary.

The rhinoceros was immediately taken to the Ecuadorian Embassy for a medical test and hoofprinting. The veterinary on guard told the Berlin Group that the animal suffered from severe post-traumatic stress disorder, cause by being in contact with illiberalism, fascism and a highly toxic air composition. The toxicity has already proven to come from e-coli and other faeces bacteria, produced when Viktor Orban is talking.

Contacted by the Berlin Group, Viktor Orban was in a visible state of accentuated anger. He shouted in Hungarian for 10 full minutes. The only things we were able to understand were “Stop Soros”, “geci” and “fasz”. We will be back with updates, if any.

Prince Mohammed Bin Salam of Saudi Arabia finally broke the silence on Tuesday and declared his innocence. During a press conference held in the Saudi capital with journalists participating via Skype from safe, un-named countries, MBS answered questions related to the killing of Jamal Khashoggi.

“I cannot properly answer your question because I simply do not have the complete answer. I sent some men to take care of him but I have no clue about how they killed him. I don’t know if the men I sent hanged, shot or stoned him. They might have tortured him to death for all I know. It would also be impossible for me to find out – already asked my secret services to kill the killers so as to not leave any traces behind” said MBS in response to a question from the Berlin Group, while writing down the name of our correspondent in the Middle East.

MBS also blamed Erdogan for the current international scandal regarding the assassination of the Saudi journalist.

“This is all Erdogan’s fault. He told me he would reintroduce capital punishment. Had he done that we wouldn’t be talking about such irrelevant topics here, today. But well, what can you expect from an old rusty incompetent guy like him. He’s too afraid he’ll lose EU money if he does it. We’ll see what he does when I switch off the oil taps” concluded MBS angrily, returning to his room and resuming “World of Warcraft”.

In its 6th and last assessment report, the Intergovernmental Panel of Climate Change (IPCC) marks a breakthrough in scientific research. After spending millions of dollars and decades of research and investigative work, IPCC has finally succeeded in pointing out the single most detrimental factor to our climate. And it’s George Soros. With 100% scientific consensus, the Hungarian-born billionaire is now claimed to cause most of our global warming. In exact scientific terms, he causes all of our global warming.

“It is indeed a breakthrough. For years we’ve been looking at what causes global warming and we could not put our finger on exactly what is it that triggers all this. But during he past 4-5 years we reshaped the way we do science, we started to get outside the silo, break the silo. We opened our eyes to what governments across the world are reporting and, voila!, it was right under our nose. George Soros!” said Abdalah Mokssit, IPCC Secretary General.

The IPCC report goes at length expanding on the exact activities that George Soros is systematically executing in order to destabilise our planet’s climate. He is now proved to have started wildfires in California and Greece each year. He attempted a coup on the corrupt Romanian leader Liviu Dragnea who then had to burn plane fuel to take shelter in Brazil. He got US President Donald Trump drunk and made him sign out of the Paris Agreement. Perhaps Soros’ worst action was whispering “liberal democracy” to Hungary’s PM Viktor Orban, who then turned red with fury and increased global temperatures by 2 degrees celsius.

As expected, Mr. Soros refused to comment the allegations. Sources from the Berlin Group said the reason of all his activities are related to finally getting global warming on Wallstreet and making money out of bonds.

“I’m in tears. I was so sure, we all were so sure Dragnea and Dancila were running away after the protests, driving on that bridge to Switzerland…now we have to live with the fact that two hard working Romanians escaping poverty abroad are dead instead of them” said Ion Amariei, one of the many Romanians gathered in Bucharest’s Victory Square for a day of national mourning.

While most people showed desperation and grief, there were still a few optimists in the crowd.

“This is indeed sad. Those two Romanians probably have families, children, who were waiting for them back home. Me and my friends are checking updates on news outlets every minute, there are at least a dozen of people gone missing and – God willing – Dancila and Dragnea are among them” said Andrei Delatulcea, IT professional.

Many of the optimists gathered for mourning say they will stay in the square. They told The Berlin Group that their motivation comes from some plausible scenarios.

“They [ed. Dragnea and Dancila] haven’t shown their faces since we had the protest on Friday. We think they might have indeed run somewhere until spirits calm down. If Dancila drives, then they’re certainly in big trouble. She doesn’t even know how to read, but to drive? Hahaha”

Working in the Romanian riot police force is not an easy job. Riot policemen (called “jandarmi”) had a very busy weekend in Bucharest, where they had to beat hundreds of women, children, pensioners, students, journalists and people in wheelchair protesting against the corrupt and incompetent ruling coalition. Few of the policemen were also injured, but mostly by their own colleagues, who were too high on steroids to distinguish between protesters and police force. Speaking in a press conference after the events, the riot police commander hailed the excellent work done by his subordinates:

“It’s been a productive day. My colleagues have done an excellent job today and as you can see, the number of injured protesters grows by the hour. I would call it a real success, although killing one or two protesters might have sent an even stronger message. We look forward to further confrontations, I mean we got all this new nice equipment from the Ministry of Interior Affairs, we have to use it, right?” said Gheorghe Multa-Muica Cucos, police riot commander at a press conference on Saturday.

But with no mass protests planned for Monday, the Government had to change plans and send the riot police troops to Ankara and Istanbul, to help one of its key allies and idols, Mr. Erdogan. In a brief press conference on Monday morning, puppet Prime-Minister of Romania, Viorica Dancila, laid down next plans for the anti riot force:

“Mr. Liviu Dragnea told me to tell you this [reading from piece of paper]: We stand besides Mr. Erdogan, a symbol of authoritarianism and despotism in the region. Romania might not be there yet but we are learning and our Government is making sustained efforts to crack down on democracy and the rule of law”

Liviu Dragnea is the convicted leader of the Social Democrat Party and chief of the Deputy Chamber. It is believed he was the one ordering the new approach of the riot police, based on research he did on Brazil and Nicaragua. Meanwhile, Mr. Erdogan of Turkey has expressed gratitude to the Romanian Government. He suggested that before the riot police heads to his country, policemen should confiscate and plunder any euro, dollar or gold they find in their way, to help Turkish economy recover.

A Senate Committee set up to investigate the genealogical tree of Prime Minister Viktor Orban has just announced that they can now confirm Mr. Orban is of Jewish origins. This is an unlikely turn of events for the small country of Hungary, whose ruling party Fidesz has won elections on a campaign based on anti-semitism and hate speech.

“We can now confirm that Mr. Orban is 75% of Jewish origins. The other 25% is Roma. And just to make it clear, Roma is just a Western synonym for gypsy. Of course, this is without a doubt the most shameful moment in the recent history of our nation. Not even when Romanians stole Transylvania from us comes anywhere near this” said Attila Fehermagyar , president of the Committee during a press conference only hours ago. Asked how the committee was established in the first place, Mr. Fehermagyar replied that he personally received a tip in the form of a Whatsapp text message from a US whistle-blower who called himself “Gyorgy“.

Immediately after Mr. Fehermagyar held his conference, the Hungarian Parliament launched three days of national mourning and suspended Mr. Orban’s cabinet. Sources for the Berlin Group within the National Hungarian Army informed us that a military committee has been established and a trial accusing the Prime Minister or treason is only hours away. If found guilty, Mr. Orban will be sent to Brussels or even extradited to the US. He will then serve his life sentence in the form of a lifelong internship for one of the Open Society liberal prisons or similar, depending on ruling.

Update 15:30 CET: Former Hungarian Prime Minister found guilty of treason by military committee. Mr. Orban will be extradited to New York and serve his life sentence in the new Central European University (CEU) campus as library assistant

This Sunday (ed. 8th of April) Hungarians head to the polls to vote in presidential elections. There will be no surprise on the winner, as President-Minister Viktor Orban is set for yet another mandate at the head of the small Eastern European country. But there is indeed something that has surprised Europe in the last weeks – Orban’s sudden love story with the EU Commission. The Hungarian President is not unaccustomed to love stories with world leaders. Nonetheless, everyone saw his long-term relationship with Russia’s Vladimir Putin as rock-solid stalinist material. One of The Berlin Group’s most reliable sources from within the Hungarian Parliament revealed the secret exclusively and in premiere for us.

“Few weeks ago me and Viktor (ed. Viktor Orban) were having our usual after work palinka shots. Well earned palinka I’d add, that day we closed three pro-democracy NGOs and jailed one of those independent journalists. So Viktor was telling me that Vladyushka (ed. Vladimir Putin) is not as receptive to his messages as he used to be. <<We don’t talk anymore>> he told me, <<all this elections, shopping mall fire and nervous gas attack got his too busy for me..>>. Few Unicum shots later, he finally told me his heart was in Brussels with a couple he now dreamt of having a threesome with every night: Juncker and Selmayr”

To some, Orban’s dark desire would not come as a surprise though. After the hostile and undemocratic takeover of the Commission’s leadership by Juncker’s right hand Martin Selmayr (for an exclusive interview of The Berlin Group with Selmayr review our previous post), Orban simply can’t hide his admiration for the Brussels couple.

“The way Juncker and Selmayr mopped up with European democracy is just irresistible for someone like Orban. He will most probably become one of the most ardent supporters of the EU Commission and it’s very likely he’ll eye a position with the two tyrants now ruling in Brussels too. It will be more difficult than with his peasant electorate from Hungary though, Brussels is another game level” confessed another Fidesz source for us.

Do you see Orban in an EU leadership role? We’ll keep you posted with post-election developments, meanwhile let us know what you think!

“Come on, just stop all this nonsense about some Novichok or Kazachok or Vladivostok programme. There’s no such thing and even if it was, we did our research and KGB spies are resistant to that. We only use nervous gases on low-key targets when we apply the Syrian Method [Ed. Syrian Method was first described by The Berlin Group]. I mean we would if we had any, but we don’t.” said Putin in front of a handful of foreign media outlets allowed at the press-conference, The Berlin Group included.

While everyone expected this to be the end of a classic Putin press conference, the President-for-life lingered for a few moments and then broke down in tears, just to quickly recover and make a heart-breaking confession to those present in the room:

“Listen, I didn’t want this to go out before elections because it would have crushed the heart of any real Russian out there. Sergei was not poisoned by nervous gas. He was subject to the cruelest of all humiliations a Russian can be subject to. He was given diluted vodka and as God is my witness, I shall find whoever did that and use an overdose of Novichok on him. I mean I would if we had any but we don’t so I’ll find something else.” concluded Putin.

It is unclear what will happen next, but Putin will have to convince EU leaders that it was diluted vodka and not a nervous gas that poisoned the former KGB spy and his daughter. Follow us for the latest updates.