Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Salmon Spread 'Em!

So Alec Baldwin got arrested on his bike yesterday, but I prefer to make this all about me:

(I, Fredly Adonis.)

Since the invention of the English language back in the late 19th century, many people have used it to write books and poems and articles and stuff. Some of this stuff is pretty good, too, which is impressive given that English is an ugly language best described as German, only with more lisping and fewer umlauts. One example of good stuff written in English is "The Charge of the Light Brigade," by Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.

It is so big. [scoff] She looks like,

one of those rap guys' girlfriends.

But, you know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff*

They only talk to her, because,

she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?

I mean, her butt, is just so big.

I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,

out there, I mean - gross. Look!

She's just so ... black!

Actually, that wasn't Tennyson. That was Sir, Mix-A-Lot.

But I digest.

The point is that, in literally decades of writing stuff in English, only a few great literary minds have transcended lame stories about whales and scarlet letters by adding new expressions to the language, thereby changing the very way English is used and forever leaving their verbal body jewelry in this ever-changing tongue. Here's a short list of writers who have furnished us with indispensable turns of phrase over the years:

William Shakespeare

("This pen smells like ass."--William Shakespeare)

Shakespeare's contributions to English expressions are too numerous to enumerate here: "Discretion is the better part of valor," "Fast in February, fried in July," "This pen smells like ass"...the list goes on.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson

("Half a league onward, / All in the valley of Death..."--Alfie Tennyson)

Tennyson was the first writer in English ever to liken his phallus to a serpent, as he did in "Ulysses" with this metaphor:

My anaconda don't want none

Unless you've got buns, hun

Prior to this, it was customary for male writers to liken their appendages to hedgehogs, which was confusing as well as off-putting. (As for "buns," many readers mistakenly assume Tennyson is referring to the buttocks, but the fact is he just really liked bread.)

And then there's me:

Wildcat Rock Machine

("It's not that my anaconda don't want none, it's just that this closeout chamois cream I bought from Nashbar is kinda burny."--Wildcat Rock Machine)

Sure, to date I've only contributed one (1) enduring expression to the English language, but it's a doozy. (H/T to Shakespeare on "doozy.") So what is it? Why, it's "salmon," of course!

How do I use a bike on a typical day? The other afternoon, I took a break from writing and biked south to Chelsea to get groceries. I rode down the protected bike lane on Ninth Avenue; it’s definitely a lot more relaxing to ride in these than it is to negotiate naked New York streets, though you do have to watch out for salmon-cyclists who ride against the flow of traffic.

The hyphen notwithstanding, that's my word, and the very moment David Byrne--the David Byrne, who doesn't even own a car for chrissake!--used "salmon" in our newspaper of record is the very same moment I should have retired. I mean really, how much better does it get for a bike blogger? David Byrne using your word in the Times is like Rob Ford using your pipe in one of his crack-smoking videos.

Yet instead I keep plugging away, hoping in vain that one day something even more exciting happens, like Rob Ford name-checking me in one of his crack-smoking videos.

By the way, read this line again, only out of context and in a Russian accent:

it’s definitely a lot more relaxing to ride in these than it is to negotiate naked New York streets

And tell me it doesn't sound like Vladimir Putin explaining that he now prefers cycling in khakhis to cycling in the nude.

Which undoubtedly prompted millions of Americans to ask the following question:

"Were Mr. Baldwin's civil rights violated?"

"Oh my god, was he wearing a helment!?!?"

The answer, of course, is no, condemning him to fry in the electric chair of popular opinion for all eternity. Moreover, not only wasn't he wearing a helment, but it appears he wasn't even wearing a hat. Indeed, it looks like he may have been wearing a visor:

Shielding your eyes from the sun yet leaving your scalp exposed to melanoma-triggering ultraviolet rays? Does this guy have a death wish or what?!?

Anyway, as the inventor of the term "salmon" (have I mentioned that's one of mine?), I'm now dismayed that it's being used to smear and pillory an innocent celebrity:

Oh, come on, get over it. What did Alec Baldwin ever do to you? Granted, if you're a paparazzo he may or may not have lobbed a homophobic slur or two your way, but otherwise he's done nothing except act well in movies and be hilarious on TV. Come on, they arrested the guy! If he had been a member of the smugerati riding a bamboo bike while wearing shants and an artisanal fanny pack the cycling community would be in an uproar, but because it's some Long Island schlub in a visor all anybody can do is ridicule him.

Jeez, some "bike culture" we are. Alec Baldwin rides a bike in New York City! Is he any different from us? Okay, a little hairier maybe, but if you wax him, does he not wince? [H/T to Shakespeare again, that guy's a freaking quote factory!] We should all have his (hairy) back. Therefore, it shames me deeply to see the word I invented (yep, "salmon," that was all me) used to shame one of our own as he's hauled off to jail. I invented "salmon" to be our word!Had Baldwin merely been photographed salmoning I'd have been the first to mock him for it. Yet the very moment he was molested by the long arm of the law the entire dynamic changed. It's like continuing to taunt a classmate with "Your momma" jokes* after you find out his mother's in the hospital.

*[Your momma's so hairy she looks like Alec Baldwin in "Miami Blues."]

The NYPD says it's cracking down on people who text and drive or fail to stop for pedestrians.Police announced two 24-hour-long enforcement initiatives this week.One started at midnight and is in effect all day Tuesday.The other is in effect all day Friday.The NYPD urges everyone to yield to pedestrians at crosswalks and put their phones away while driving.

Yeah, I know it sucks, but rest assured that after Friday you'll be able to resume your usual menacing behavior.

Of course, I still find salmoning just as irritating as I did five years ago, but that's just it--it's annoying. Most cycling violations are, if we're to be honest, little more than annoying. Sure, some violations are potentially dangerous to the rider and others, but usually they just cause you to swerve a little and curse the rider for being a dick.

In light of this, it would make sense for the police could treat a lot of these violations like the annoyances they are. Here's an idea: next time the police encounter a salmon, they should just tell him or her to turn around. Catch and release, it's as simple as that! If you were salmoning and a cop told you to turn around, wouldn't you just turn around? Sure you would.

Instead, whenever they stop someone on a bike, it always seems to turn into something like this:

Paybarah, a designer specializing in lettering and typography, told us he was stopped on the morning of March 20th while biking west on Houston past Broadway. He says he was stopped by "Officer Rich" of the 10th Precinct, who was in an undercover cop car, after he (admittedly) ran a red light. Paybarah took out his ID and immediately started taking video as the cop approached him: "After those 10 seconds I was pulled off my bike, pushed up against the metal fence, placed in handcuffs and put into the back seat of the car. Other officers came. They joked saying they were going to 'handcuff my bike to the tree.'"

Certainly in Baldwin's case it wasn't as simple as "he was salmoning so they arrested him," and there was also the question of whether he was being "disorderly," as well as that whole creepy "taking him to the station until they could confirm his identity" thing. (The police love to do that with cyclists.) Still, with all the celebrities out there driving drunk and wrecking cars and all the rest of it, it seems a shame to excoriate Baldwin for salmoning, when instead we should be high-fiving him for riding a bike in the first place.

-> Aside, nice article and familial pictures Mr. Snob. Also getting the young'un in on Specialized early; I guess resistance is really futile!

Teach him about fine lugwork and retrogrouchy stuff, we need the next generation to help appreciate all the vintage goodies we have laying around (to unload them when we can't ride them any more!). I mean I'm thinkin' I got half my 401K in the basement... a diversified portfolio of Reynolds 531, Columbus SL/SLX, and French drainpipes.

You did not invent salmon, dude. There were people wearing salmon costumes running from the finish to the start of the SF Bay to Breakers foot race in the 1980s. There were naked salmon too, unfortunately.

Then I found out that he wrote it before I came along. Kinda crushed me a little.

Alec Baldwin is an asshole of mass proportions. The guy is off his rocker. He's constantly in the news for being an asshole. He didn't get arrested for salmoning, he got arrested because when the cops tried to 'catch and release' him, he told them to go fuck themselves. Then when they didn't recognize him, he got all, "Don't you KNOW who I AM?!?!?!"

I think we can choose a much better 'victim' to champion that Alec, "Fucking" Baldwin.

I want to see more of the behind-the-mall singletrack you posted a couple weeks ago. Are you waiting for Rivendell to send you their anticipated elk-skin manssiere before we get to see some GoPro videos?

Today I was severely salmoned on my way to work. I asked the dude if his name was Sam and he looked at me with confusion.

Next I passed a motorcycle cop sitting at a new bike track/lane on M Street - waiting for some sort of violation. A pedestrian jumped out in front of me right in front of me - I avoided contact but thought for sure he was going to write me up for something.

Instead he just put his hands between my knees from behind and wiggled them around.

I like the burn of the closeout Nashbar chamois cream, it makes you feel like you got your money's worth. I assume you are using the euro-version?

"Nashbar Euro-Style Ride Glide is remarkably like our regular American-style Ride Glide, with one major difference. Aside from being perfectly formulated to keep you comfy down where the sun don't shine and protecting your unmentionables by creating a slippery anti-chaff layer between your tender skin and the continuous rubbing of your clothing, it also has a delightful mentholated formulation to give your fresh smell and a non-unpleasant cooling, tingling sensation. Use this, and you'll feel like a million bucks."

They still have some in stock at closeout price, and if you read the reviews you'll see that 100% of customers who reviewed it would recommend it to a friend, even if the friend didn't ride a bike. They also fixed that consistency problem.

Why is my biggest concern what bike Alex was riding? The PageSix link from RoadQueen provides one look.

Looks like an entry-level Cannondale mtn. bike that's too small for him (based on the slope of the top tube and his knee position while pedaling). He's wearing a Louis Garneau jacket (Nashbar?!) and didn't remove the front reflector. 29er: probably.

I was going to say something similar about the triviality of celebrity but decided against it. In the words of Jim Gaffigan, "It's all McDonalds." Reading some asshole complaints about the bike industry for entertainment isn't really much better than celebrity gossip.

Yeah, foot races don't count. Besides, they co-opted the term from Orville and Wilbur Wright, who were so fed up with salmoning that they attempted to develop a flying bicycle so they could eliminate the problem. However, their design wouldn't work without a motor - lame. So frustrated by salmoning, they just did what everyone else was doing and bought a car. Since no one rode bikes anymore for at least a hundred years, the term salmon was lost to history, only to be reinvented by the Wildcat in the early 21st century. And that's how a bill becomes a law and salmoning a criminal offence.

NYC Cops can be overzealous, just ask the 70 year old guy they beat the shit out of during the J-Walking Crackdown a few weeks ago. Also, it is fucking annoying as shit to be stopped on your bike for a very minor, not dangerous and I'm not even sure illegal thing like bike salmoning. When you see cars run lights at high speed at nearly every single light change at every section in NYC on crowded streets the cops do virtually nothing to curtail that. Alec probably reacted accordingly. Fuck the police at least until they start getting serious about making he streets a safer place. Our new Mayors vision zero plan is just that, invisible.

Anyways I like Alec Baldwin ALL THE MORE every time he goes off on somebody. What I don't necessarily award points for, is reporting, again, that Alec Baldwin went off on somebody, again. Like why not follow a fire truck and see if it arrives at a fire, and then yell "FIRE!" Well no shit, Sherlock! You want the journalistic bonus points, catch Beyoncé on video yelling at somebody. Catch a Carson Daly temper tantrum. (Never happen, because they're both robots and have no problems.)

RTMS, claim what is rightfully yours! Take it way back to Tuesday, Dec. 18, 2007 when you wrote your "notes to the people I encounter on my commute" entitled "Dear Department Store Bike-Riding Salmon..."

Oh no you don't. I invented the term "salmon" with regard to riding bikes. Deal with it.

Your friend at work may never have heard of me but that doesn't mean anything. If anything it's a testament to the enduring quality of my invention. People quote Shakespeare all the time too without realizing it.

All my offspring have 4 initials. Didn't want 2 and 3 was simply unacceptable. I guess you're just jealous. think how much better your dog's emotional state would be if instead of just leroy's dog he knew himself as leroy's ass scratchin' dog.

The joy is that it has caused them trouble throughout the years as they try to deal with forms that only allow 1 middle name. Especially the gov forms that threaten your life if you don't correctly use the official hand printing character set.

some of your other inventions? scranus? how about shoaling, which I find to be very useful phrase with all of the citi-bikers rolling past me at stop lights and through the cross walk. that really irritates me.

not just the salmoning. the washingtown post stoled your shoaling too. also they mentioned delis, so: http://www.washingtonpost.com/express/wp/2014/05/13/learn-this-etiquette-and-lingo-so-youre-ready-to-ride-in-d-c-s-bike-lanes/

You win. It may be true that the NYC'er knows your term, without knowing it's source. That and because you have the official attribution in Urban Dictionary.

I first heard it in about 1995, in reference to driving against the flow of traffic. Out here in flyover country we think everything is an old joke, which seems fresh and innovative every time you use it a recent immigrant or impressionable child.

Wait until the Koch brothers put their billions behind the anti-Snob-coined-salmon denialists. These pathetic losers in the comments will be on all channels, and the world will be headed for doom because of environmental collapse and the who-invented-bikesalmon thing.

I'm thinking Kenny will ride to work tomorrow wearing his new Brooks cycling jacket, his new Walz cap, sit on his new Brooks saddle blinding folks with his new Knog lights on his new Rivendale bike. He'll be recording his ride with the new Fly6. He'll send his new child to the Apple factory to work and Snob is down to sixteen (16) kids.

Well, y'know, actually Mr Baldwin wasn't arrested for salmoning. He was arrested for behaving like an arrogant dick when the cop attempted to give him a ticket for salmoning. Apparently the officer didn't immediately recognize Mr Baldwin's god-like status as a megacelebrity. Boy, I'll bet that lit him up good.

Crimony, Snob, if he'd been driving an SUV you'd have been all over his ass. But because he's riding a bike, he's just another hapless victim of the iron-soled boot of oppression?

Alec's got the message: New York sucks. He's moving to LA. I bet things will be a lot better there.

Bogusboy, you probably meant to say, that he was arrested when he try to protest stupid cop, when cop behave like an arrogant dick trying to give ticket for salmoning. For last 5 years that i am commuting - i never witness or heard about driver that was stop for endangering cyclist.

riding your bike the wrong way up fifth avenue* is dickish behavior, which will bring police attention. What happens after you've gotten such attention is subject to many, variables, including the mood of the officer & how stupidly you behave.

Imho, arresting or even ticketing for salmoning is so stupid and arrogant, so no avenue excuse is good. I have first hand experience with cops and their attitude to bike riders.!just because someone do not like this Alec guy - there is no reason to behave like NY City cops behave

Being "taken downtown to be identified"- just how in the hell is that done? Do they go to Google and type in Hunt for Red October? All my chips in- they (obviously) knew who the fuck he was. Was he belligerent? I'm 100% sure he got mouthy and said "fag" or something. I don't care how big a dick (or ass) someone is, arresting someone for "salmoning" is a chicken-shit move.

I've been on vacation and didn't keep up with this fine establishment while I was gone. So, imagine my surprise to come back and find that the comments seem to be mostly free of anal sex, pegging and masturbation.

At least Babble gave us a brief story about her nipple, but the rest of you...

I once made the mistake of having a "discussion" with a police officer. Never again. Going to jail for arguing with a cop - they have the gun and badge and can make things shitty for you quick. A very memorable event.

In my defense, I was in my early 20's. Alec the Fish is 55. Somehow he has been insulated from reality long enough to not have learned. But yeah, spending tax dollars to "take someone downtown" over a salmon ticket is ridickless.

my footnote that fifth avenue is a busy street was snarkasm. (I have hopes of future immortality via urdan DICKtionary for that neologism)

My point is that he he acted like a DICK. It's one thing to cross against the light or go the wrong way on a cross street rather than ride around the block, but in the middle of the day, in front of the cops, that'sjust DICKish. Ma Gump always said Dickish is as Dickish does, now I admit that's a lot of dicks you might ask if that's necessary? I would say yes

I think it's legal to bicycle against traffic on one-way streets wider than 40 feet in New York City. Fifth Avenue is wider than this. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycling_in_New_York_City#cite_note-41

Do you really believe you made up the term 'salmon' and 'shoal' to refer to cyclists? A shoal has probably been applied to groups of things other than fish since it was invented. You are just applying shoal to a group of something other than fish but not changing the meaning in anyway. It's almost the same with 'salmon'. Any thing that goes against the grain or swims upstream has probably been compared to salmon. To invent something new in language, you actually have to come up with something novel, not just apply a word usually describing a group fish to a group of people. For instance, Shakespeare used words that had NO accepted definition.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!