Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Most Disgusting Thing That Has Ever Happened

My dog almost died today. Because he ate some fabric. Maybe a sock? They don't know. In any case it was gross and it was not even food of any kind so why did he f*cking eat it? I'm broke now but he's going to live. Because none of us could handle the idea of losing our very young dog a couple of weeks after losing our very old cat. OH MY GOD. Dogs, man, dogs.

With that in mind, I've decided to re-run this post:

-----------------------------------------

If you have a weak stomach, or have a bad reaction to things that are disgusting (particularly in relationship to dogs and canine behavior), THIS IS NOT THE POST FOR YOU. You should probably click away. Because it's about to get all kinds of nasty up in here.

Here's the thing about having a dog. It's gross. Having kids is gross too, of course, what with the being puked on and never knowing where that smell is coming from. But dogs are worse. Last Friday, I greeted the early morning with an enormous, steaming pile of dog vomit that was in considerable danger of being re-consumed if I didn't clean it up fast enough.

Because dogs are gross.

Now my dog Brady is the best dog ever and also the most adorable. There has never been another dog ever in the history of Earth Planet that has more love in his heart. Sometimes all the love in his heart makes it hard for him to control himself and he becomes slightly over-exuberant.

This was him last summer, when he was a precious, tiny baby dog.

And he's also part goat. He will eat anything: Legos, cat turds, paper towels soaked in whatever was on my counter, Polly Pockets, entire rolls of toilet paper, door knobs... You name it.

So combine those characteristics - a shameless lack of self control and an urge to consume that which is horrifying and disgusting. And that's how you get this story, which I have cut and pasted from a series of emails I exchanged with Kate and Guru Louise.

Lydia:Cap’n Coupon and the kids had Brady on a leash in the front yard with them. And Brady started pooping. And it got stuck. And he freaked out and started running in circles going ARK! ARK! ARK! And the Cap’n had to take the poop bag and help pull it out and I think some of it got on his jeans.

Kate:I'm dead. That is the funniest f**king thing I have EVER heard. Also, gross.

Louise:Oh my God. Even for you...

Lydia:Actually first, the Cap’n didn't even HAVE a poop bag and so he sent the boy into the house to get one while Brady whirled around in circles going ARK! ARK! ARK! Brady actually knocked Mini down because the situation with his sphincter was freaking him out so badly and she tried to comfort him and he accidentally sent her flying.

So the boy comes running up and hands the Cap’n the bag and as he starts using it to extract the tampon from the dog's rectum, the boy goes: "Dere's one problem with dat bag. Dere's a TEENY TINY hole in da bottom of it."

This is Brady now. He is a large, orange labra-goat.

At which point the Cap’n just wanted to go back to work and never come home ever again.

It was so awesome.

Louise:I’m afraid to ask, but for some reason – I need to know. String first?

Lydia:It was way worse than that. The string was last. It was somehow anchored. And it was a dangler.

I really hate danglers. They are the enemy of all dog walkers, everywhere.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
And with that Universal Truth of Dog Ownership, thus ends the most disgusting story ever to be posted on the interwebs.