Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Log On Another Day (I Have No Internet – Part 1)

The following takes
place between 6 a.m. and 7 a.m.

I am up at my work computer earlier than usual. I have much to do and a lunch meeting planned,
so I want to get a fast start on the workday. I click the browser to open my
e-mail program and … nothing. I move
across my home office to my personal computer and click that e-mail program and
…. nothing.

Okay the Internet is
down, minor inconvenience. It usually
only stays down 15 minutes max. I’ll
just do some other stuff and come back later.

This is the first time
the Internet has gone down in the seven months I have been working at
home. My computer, I-Pad and business phone
are all dependent on the Internet. I realize there is a serious problem if the
Internet stays down for an extended time.

The following takes
place between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m.

I return to the office, attempt to log on, … nothing. Click the second browser on the work
computer, … nothing. Spin back to the home computer, browser one, browser two,
e-mail program – ….. nothing.

Text my boss to let him know that I do not have Internet;
therefore I will be totally worthless until I do.

I then realize that when I am at work, the Internet gives me
purpose. The Internet gives me power. The Internet sustains me. The Internet
gives me pleasure. In other words, from
a business perspective the Internet is my god.

What it feels like to have no Internet!

Obviously the Internet was angry with me for that “funny”
post about how nice it was to go without the Internet for three days. And now the Internet is punishing me. As my friend Paul would say, I am the
Internet’s bitch.

There are old girlfriends that did not cause me this much
anguish (are you reading this Cindy?)

I really needed the Internet now, so I devised a plan. Maybe I could hack into a neighbor’s wireless
network? I look at the available
networks. Unfortunately most of my neighbors’ networks are off, except for the
older lady two doors up the street. I
know it is hers by using my espionage training.
The network is named “Catlady” and that woman owns several cats.

I know this is wrong,
but this is a desperate situation. I’m
not really stealing the Internet, I’m just borrowing it. And can you really steal it? I bet this is how Edwin Snowden got
started. One day he hacked into his
neighbor’s wireless network and the next day he was hacking secrets from the
U.S. government. But some people
consider it him a hero, so if I can just figure out her password …

Get your hands off my Internet!

I try every version of cat-related phrase that I can think
of, even some that would be censored in a James Bond movie. In this battle of Internet security, I have
been defeated by the woman and her cats.
The old bitch has bested me. And
I still have no Internet.

The following takes
place between 10 a.m. and 11 a.m.

Ah, the chance to actually do some productive work. There is a “Go to Meeting” scheduled to
discuss graphs for an important presentation.
I can call in using my cell phone and participate.

Boss: Let’s look at the two graphs under consideration; I’ll
just bring them up on the screen. As you
can all see, except for Don who has no Internet, Jon’s graph looks so much
better than Don’s graph so I think the choice is clear.

But Jon does terrible
graphs. He uses pie graphs when he should be using bar graphs, and his choice
of colors is horrendous. He is the worst graph maker in the history of
PowerPoint.

Me: But I don’t think Jon’s graph is very good. I think mine
is much better.

Boss: Can you tell me exactly what is wrong with Jon’s
graph? I mean that is a very impressive
pie graph and his use of those unique colors is sharp.

Me: Ah, eh, uh, uh ….

Boss: Great, then it’s settled. We will go with Jon’s graph and totally scrap
Don’s graph. And Don, you should look into
getting that Internet fixed. You are
losing valuable work time.

But I spent a lot of
time on that graph. I could fix it. I
know I could. I just would need to use the … the …Internet, but I have no
Internet. My Internet is down.

Click, click, click, …. Fail

%^&#! IT ALL! I
HAVE NO #$%*ING INTERNET!

The following takes
place between 11 a.m. and 12 a.m.

I do what any man would do in this crisis situation, I
complain to my wife. She suggests that I
call the service provider. It seems
pointless, but I have nothing else to do – BECAUSE I HAVE NO INTERNET. I’ll just look up their number on the
Int…. I’ll just look up their number in
the freaking phone book the way cavemen used to do it. But we have rearranged the kitchen and I
can’t find the phonebook anywhere so I have to text my wife to get the number.

I call the service provider and get to listen to a
commercial about “great new channel options”.
I don’t care about any cable channels; I only care about the Internet
because I HAVE NO INTERNET! I make it
through all the menu options and then this:

“There is a major service outage in your area ….”

No $h!t Sherlock, I
haven’t had Internet for over five hours!

“Press 1, if you are screwed”

“Press 2, if you are very screwed”

“Press 3, if you are so screwed, you can’t see straight”

“You can try pressing 4 through 9, but after you do, you
will still be so screwed”