If Sex and the City got really real.

Tag: sexblog

Kinky sex can be a very intimidating thing for people, and rightly so. The concept of introducing whips, belts, biting, scratching and violent fantasies into your sex life is daunting. There are a number of different things you have to consider before embarking on a more kinky sex life, and I wanted to cover a few of these in this article.

Personally, I enjoy the incorporation of violence and violation into my sex life. I have had sexual fantasies about sexual abuse and violation from my adolescence. I always felt like this made me strange or sick in the head. It hasn’t been until very recently – with the help of an open-minded sexual partner – that I have become able to explore these fantasies and bring them into the bedroom. It is very exposing for me to talk about these fantasies but I wanted to write about them as there are many other people who have previously found themselves in the same situation: wanting the kink and not knowing how the fuck to approach it!

I’m going to structure this post a little differently than normal and, instead of having questions, I just wanted to talk openly about how I have ventured into the kinkier side of sex and offer some food for thought to those wanting to do the same.

Since I was very young, my sexual fantasies have never been your classic ‘I met a boy and then we kissed and then we had really nice sex and he told me he loved me’ etc. No, my sexual fantasies have always swayed toward the darker side of things and I spent years trying to repress them. From adolescence I would have fantasies of abuse, violation, abduction etc. I would also often have Stockholm Syndrome-style abuse fantasies, where a singular person or group would kidnap me but I would develop a loving feeling towards them, despite them being my abuser.

However, I spent years suppressing these fantasies and having very ‘normal’ kinds of sex with my partners over the years. It wasn’t until I broke up with my last long term boyfriend, did I feel that the fantasies were overcoming me a little and that I was now old enough to feel fully comfortable embracing my kinkier side.

However, I had never tried any of this in practice and the only times people had tried to get kinky with me previously, I had been in the midst of trying to repress my dark sexual fantasies, so I wasn’t able to enjoy it at all.

Therefore, I never thought of myself as being someone who would enjoy pain during sex. It wasn’t until I started sleeping with James (see Going Poly: Why I Have Multiple Romantic Partners. and Threesome and chill?) that I started to become more open to the idea. James is a dominant and I knew from the first time we slept together that he was holding back with me. I knew that he liked inflicting pain, spanking, whipping, biting, etc. and I wanted to explore this with him as I am always open to catering for my sexual partners kinks. However, I was worried immediately about how far I could go with it and if it would damage our sex life if we were just into two totally different kinds of sex.

However, I quickly realised that sleeping with James would enable me to explore the fantasies of violation and domination that had been plaguing my mind since I was old enough to get that tingling feeling. I decided I would bite the bullet and agree to try out some more kinky stuff with him. Within a week my arse and back were permanently covered in bruises, welts and scars and I was starting to really enjoying being a submissive in bed. I now even get a little disappointed if I don’t have an array of purple marks over me after we fuck.

So, how did I get into this? Well, the first couple of times we got kinky I was a little drunk and let my inhibitions go a little bit. We, of course, had spoken about it sober and James knew that I was willing to try and that he wasn’t taking advantage of me being drunk. However, having the benefit of your senses being numbed a little by alcohol is definitely a plus.

Another thing that really helped me ease into kinky sex was talking to James about it a lot before and agreeing that we would start out very small and build our way up to it. I remember lying on the bed, him standing over me with belt in hand and me saying ‘start out light, like so light that it’s ridiculous’. We both laughed, but honestly, starting out excessively lightly with biting, spanking, scratching or whipping is a great way to gage how much you or your partner can handle.

In terms of coping with the pain, my mechanism is less about making the pain go away and more about learning to like the pain. Some people really just aren’t into feeling pain during sex and that is fine, you don’t have to have this kind of sex. But, for those of you that do, but are a little scared of feeling pain, I have a tip for you.

Remember why you’re doing it! You’re doing this because you want to feel bad and punished! Say in your mind why they’re doing it, say why you’ve been a bad girl/boy, tell yourself you deserve it. A fun game me and James play is, when we’re out in public before going home together, he’ll keep a tally of all the times I’ve earned a spanking e.g. if I make fun of him or if I say something rude (this is obviously all a power play for sexual purposes, not emotional abuse!) and then at the end of the night he’ll tell me how many I’ve earned and count them down. I find it incredibly hot and it also provides a fun structure to our sex play.

Allowing the kink to transcend slightly into everyday life outside of the bedroom is fun also. Feeling your boyfriend slyly put his hand up your skirt under a table at dinner and whisper ‘you’re getting punished tonight’ is so incredibly sexy. Obviously, this is something you need to be a little bit sneaky with, but that’s part of the fun!

Positions are another very important for me. For example, I love being bent over James’ lap when he’s whipping or spanking me as it really works with my love of power plays. But, personally I wouldn’t be a huge fan of being standing up when I’m getting spanked or whipped. Of course, when it comes to actual penetrative sex there are certain positions that enable kink a little more e.g. being fucked from behind enables for more spanking/choking than missionary.

Also, kinky sex, however brutal, is a very intimate experience. I personally have found it more intimate than any archetypical ‘loving’ sex I have had with people. So, during sex like this, I really like to use a lot of eye contact. This can be a little daunting but is a very good way to make the sex intense in multiple ways. I’ve also found eye contact to be a good way of telling if the person you’re having sex with is really the person you want to be fucking. I often find my eyes wander or close when I’m with someone I’m only slightly attracted to, but I hold their gaze if I am really enjoying fucking them.

Now, something fairly obvious to some but nevertheless significant I wanted to cover is safe words! Yes okay, they may seem like a strange foreign concept that would be odd and awkward to incorporate into sex. But, they are so important when it comes to safely exploring kinky sex with a partner. As somebody who gets off massively on role playing violation and abuse fantasies, words like ‘no’ and ‘stop’ are normally part of the role play so choosing a safe word that has no relation to anything you’re doing in bed is essential. However, it’s a different story when you’re being choked and can’t speak, so me and my partner employ a ‘double tap’ method for if I need him to loosen his grip a bit. I find this pretty hilarious as it’s the same technique used by MMA fighters, except they’re not being choked from behind by a skinny hipster.

Another important thing, as always, is communication. I recently tried anal sex for the first time and of course I was absolutely terrified. It was like losing my virginity all over again. The only thing that made me comfortable with it was how much James talked me through it and made me feel totally fine with going back on my decision (not that I did!) With something that intense and potentially very painful, it’s so vital to talk to each other throughout, even if it’s just a courteous ‘is that okay?’ or ‘no, too hard’. We’re all adults and you should never feel any pressure to perform like a porn star and deny that anything ever hurts. I mean for god sake, I had a nine inch cock in my arse, if that didn’t hurt or at least feel weird I think there would be something a little wrong with me!

Which brings me to a quick few notes on getting it in your arse:

Relax god dammit, make a huge effort to relax your muscles

Lie on your front with a pillow under your hips, I wouldn’t recommend doggy style straight away because the position makes you clench up

DO NOT have anal sex if you don’t have any lubricant, this is a very silly idea

Get your sexual partner to finger you anally with lube first and also put it around the entrance as well as on their penis (or strap on if applicable)

Go very slowly and make sure you breathe

Employing all of these techniques, I actually found anal sex really enjoyable and will definitely be giving it a regular appearance in the bedroom.

There is a lot of ways to enjoy kinky sex, so don’t feel like you have to be into all of them or feel as though you’re boring for not enjoying certain styles. The most vital aspect of kinky sex is to have a partner you trust and deeply enjoy sex with. Make sure that they know your boundaries and that you are comfortable with telling them when to draw the line. So, get your belts out, get your whipping on and get feeling like a bad girl. You’ve earned it!

So, a recent new development in my life is that I have started identifying as polyamorous. I have only been identifying as poly for about a month now so I don’t claim to be an expert on it, but, I just wanted to talk about my experiences thus far with having multiple romantic relationships. I also really wanted to discuss the definitions and implications of polyamory, and how it differs from what a lot of people think.

Moving on, today, I am going to be pondering these questions: why did I decide to start identifying as polyamorous? How has it made my life different so far? How many different partners do I currently have? Have I had any struggles with it so far?

Polyamory has felt like a natural progression for me for a long time. I remember around a year ago complaining to my mum and saying that I hated just having one boyfriend and that I didn’t understand why I couldn’t have two boyfriends, each for different things. We laughed and made jokes about it but then I remember thinking, ‘fuck, why can’t I have that?’ At the time I was in an awful toxic, controlling relationship, which meant that this just wasn’t really much of an option but since moving away, I’ve been able to reinvent myself and decide what I want.

So, what made me move to polyamory? Well, I already was seeing multiple people, but the pivotal point was when a boy and I started developing romantic feelings for each other out of something we thought would just be a purely sexual relationship. But why would that make me turn poly? Well, this boy – who funnily enough is the boy, James, mentioned in my Threesome and Chill?blog post – was in an open relationship with his girlfriend when we started sleeping together. It started out as meeting up, getting drunk, talking about art and fucking for a while until one of us had to leave to do something else. The funny thing was, it started out with me being a subject for his art; we would meet up and he would photograph me. He started referring to me as ‘his muse’. But, at this stage, everything still felt fairly casual. It wasn’t until we met up completely unrelated to anything other than to spend time together that we realised this was taking a different direction.

It felt nice, albeit confusing. I knew I liked him, and I knew he liked me. We started discussing it, and, when we realised we actually liked each other quite a bit, it started to feel like a bit of a scary secret. We didn’t know how we were going to go about it. Until he mentioned that he was considering polyamory so that he could see both me and his girlfriend. I was completely open to the idea straight away. No part of me wanted him and his girlfriend to break up, as no part of me wanted a completely monogamous relationship with James. I didn’t want to give up my lifestyle and I promised myself I wasn’t going to get into a monogamous relationship this year.

There was a confusing few weeks where we were talking a lot about what we were going to do and how he was going to discuss this with his girlfriend, who I will call Kate. Kate was always very open with their relationship and happy for it to be malleable, but polyamory was not something they had discussed previously. But, long story short, after a few weeks James discussed it with her and she agreed that polyamory is the direction we should all go in and that it would probably be beneficial for her as she wanted to explore more sexual relationships with other people too.

So, here we are, three people happily agreed to pursue polyamory and it felt pretty damn good.

But then, I realised that polyamory takes a lot more work and commitment than most people realise. Sure, plenty of people make the ‘oh god I’ve got enough on my plate with one girlfriend’ jokes, but really, one of the most significant aspects of being polyamorous is scheduling. I suddenly realised that I was going to have to take a back seat when James was seeing Kate, and that James was going to have to take a back seat when I was seeing my other partners.

This brings me onto my next question, how has it made my life different so far?

Well, first and foremost, it has meant I am almost constantly busy and struggle a lot to have time to myself. It is a beautiful and very rewarding thing having multiple romantic partners, but it definitely takes over your life somewhat. I am constantly wary of splitting my time equally amongst my partners and showing them all the same amount of appreciation as I do not want any of them to feel that I do not care about them, or that one of my partners is more important to me than the other.

Funnily enough, most people think that being polyamorous means you are constantly having casual sex all the time and always developing new relationships with new people. But, really, it’s quite the opposite for me. I spend most of my spare time with my partners and if I’m not with them, I try to spend quality time with my friends or family. I have started seeing casual sex as a bit of a waste of my time at the moment. Sure, if I’m out somewhere for the evening, have no plans and meet someone, I will sleep with them. But, this rarely happens for me now, as I often would rather spend time with my partners as opposed to a stranger.

Another difference I have noticed is that my sex life has gotten more rich and satisfying since I have started having multiple romantic relationships as opposed to just casual sex with strangers. This is not to say I didn’t enjoy the casual sex I was having previous to being poly, but, sex with people you genuinely care about is always a little better in my opinion. It also means you can sleep with people who know what makes you tick and are completely willing to try new things with you, as opposed to someone you’re fumbling about with drunkenly for one evening.

And lastly, probably the biggest difference I’ve found it has made in my life is that I now am very upfront with people about my lifestyle. I do not want to be involved with anyone who is not okay with the way I live my life and that I do not want anyone to be under the impression that I am going to change anything about my lifestyle for them. All of my partners know about each other and are all okay with it. Since I give them all equal attention and treat them with respect, love and kindness, they have no reason to not be okay with it, unless of course they prefer monogamy, which I would completely respect but just not abide by.

So, how many partners do I have? I currently have three romantic partners.

I have a female partner who I have been seeing on a fairly casual basis for about five months. She is beautiful, caring and very sweet. I care about her a lot but we have always gone about our relationship under the assumption that it is casual and not monogamous, so when I told her about identifying as polyamorous she was completely okay with it and it barely even warranted a discussion.

I have two male partners, both of which I have been seeing for about a month. Obviously, there is James who I would say I have a fairly serious relationship with. We both redefined our lifestyles and relationships because of each other, but this is not to say this is the only reason we did it. We were both previously comfortable and open to the idea of polyamory, and essentially gave each other a reason to really give it a go.

My other male partner is absolutely lovely and I care about him a lot. We are fairly casual but are completely open with talking about each other about how much we like each other, etc. I told him I was identifying as polyamorous on our second date as I wanted to ease him into it and not throw it at him straight away. Luckily, he was absolutely fine with it and actually liked the idea of being able to date and sleep with other people alongside him. I know that he sees me as the primary girl that he is dating but that he is also happy for us to be with other people.

I still go on dates with other people and sleep with other people but these are my three romantic partners and currently I can’t see myself wanting a fourth. I am perfectly happy with where I am with my relationships at the moment.

And finally, have I had any struggles with it so far?

If I’m completely honest, I don’t feel like I have had any real struggles with polyamory so far. I think that if I had any possessive partners who weren’t as chilled out as my current partners then I would probably have more issues, but this is not the case.

I have had a couple of problems with jealousy with James and my other male partner. However, these have all been solved fairly easily through simply communicating with them.

James spent a few days with his more long term partner and I got a bit envious when I didn’t hear from him and saw pictures of them together. But, this was easily solved by me telling James next time I saw him that I felt envious of him and Kate and that I think that when he is meeting with her or I am meeting with my other partners, we should talk about it first so we know that we will not hear from them for a little while. We both agreed that this was a good way to solve any feelings of jealousy or feeling brushed aside. He also assured me last night that he does not see his relationship as any less important than that of his relationship with Kate, but that we are simply at different stages in the timelines of our relationships. We all want to meet as a three soon to make this a little easier for Kate and I as well.

With my other partner he mentioned that he was sleeping with another girl and met another girl on a night out and got her number, to which I made a joke about feeling jealous and then we both laughed it off and I realised I was being silly and a little hypocritical. All easily solved.

The only other problem I have faced is when a man I had met with a few times suggested to me that he wanted monogamy or to be the main man that I was seeing. We hadn’t met up enough for me to feel comfortable telling him that I am polyamorous and therefore, it presented an awkward situation for me as I didn’t know if I should tell him I am poly or just stop seeing him completely, as I did not know how he would react. But, I feel like this is all part of my journey and that being polyamorous has made me realise that I need to be more picky and aware of what type of people I want to be romantically involved with.

I haven’t had any issues when I tell my friends and family about my lifestyle, as they know I care about their opinion but that negativity on their part will not make me change my lifestyle. My parents even commented on how they thought it was special and rewarding that I could have caring, romantic relationships with multiple people, as opposed to being in one monogamous relationship I was not happy in, such as that of with my ex boyfriend.

My final thoughts and pieces of advice I would offer on being polyamorous is that communication is the most important thing; don’t leave your partners in the dark and expect them to treat you with the same respect. You can confidently care about multiple people and, with careful scheduling, you can definitely make multiple romantic relationships work. Be happy and confident in your choices, and never feel as though you need to follow societal norms in your relationships.

I haven’t always been confident in my sexual prowess, nor have I always been confident in knowing what I want. This is something I – with help and encouragement from friends – have trained myself to be over the course of a few years and many different sexual partners. I think that often, as women, we are constantly flooded with images, music and television depicting incredibly sexually confident women, without any real offer of direction in how to become said woman.

For example, most women my age would have spent their teen years listening to an artist like Rihanna. I absolutely love Rihanna; she’s sexy, confident and an advocate for women being confident and unashamed of their sexuality. Growing up hearing songs about S&M and lyrics shamelessly commenting on male genitalia puts a certain idea in teen and young women’s minds that we should be super sexually confident beings at all times.

We see characters like Samantha from Sex and the City (one of my personal idols) making men’s heads turn wherever she goes and confidently discussing exactly what she wants with the girls over brunch every time she has a new sex interest. She’s hot as fuck, knows it and owns it.

I mean, shit, we even hear good girl Taylor Swift saying ‘I can make the bad guys good for a weekend’ (this is a weekend of wild fucking right? Or is that just my personal interpretation?)

But do they tell us how the hell to do this? No.

This is what I’m going to try and do now.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend this is going to be a super sweet lesson about how to love yourself or how to show all the boys who did you wrong that you’re better than them. This is not an article about how to discover things about yourself that you didn’t appreciate before. This is an article about how to take what you’ve got, own it and use this to your advantage. This is an article about how to know what you want in bed and how to fucking get it.

Little disclaimer: I’m bisexual of course but this article is geared towards women and their sex with men. I approach men and women, and my relationships with them, differently. If the shoe fits for you, then please wear it and take the advice from this article. But, if not, I will be elaborating on women-women relationships in later articles.

So, onto today’s questions. First of all, what can you do to own the fact you love sex and exercise your right to fuck shamelessly? Then, how can you start having more sex i.e. being confident in meeting men, getting phone numbers, one night stands, etc. And finally, how can you enjoy casual sex more and get what you want out of it?

Feeling Sexy as Fuck

Confidence is a very difficult thing to get down. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that this article will work for every single person who reads it, people are all different and we all have different things that we do to feel confident. But, this is the first point I want to make. The best thing I did was embracing what made me feel confident, not what made my friends feel confident, not what a sexual partner said they thought would make me confident. No, I embraced what felt good for me. Similarly, to what I mentioned earlier, we are often having opinions forced on us from a young age about what will make you feel confident and what will attract other people to you. ‘Feel confident without too much make-up’, ‘feel great in this killer outfit’, ‘feel beautiful and natural’. No, fuck off.

I have found what makes me feel confident when I go out and since then I have felt ten times more happy talking to men, getting their numbers, sleeping with them etc. I like wearing hair extensions, I like wearing caps, I like not dressing too overtly femininely, having my hair off my face, hoop earrings and wearing gold eyeshadow. I asked around my friends and they came up with a number of different things that make them feel good, such as, fake tan, having their hair done nicely, being a little drunk, etc. These aren’t what personally would make me feel confident but the point is it’s for them, not me.

I know it sounds ridiculous listing these things, but it is so important to own what makes you feel good about yourself before you go out into the world and try to start fucking. You might feel good in a sack dress, or you might feel good in booty shorts and a crop top. Wear the same outfit every damn time you go out if it makes you feel awesome. Nobody gives a shit and if they do, just laugh them down, you’re the one that’s going to be getting more sex than them after all.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to find your confidence uniform (coining that phrase), and working it when you go out. You’re the only person you have at the end of it all, and if you’re feeling good and getting the sex you want then who cares about anything else.

Owning Your Failings and Your Winnings

Moving on, of course it is not all about appearance, far from it actually. As I have mentioned before, I’m a firm believer in self-assurance being the most attractive quality in someone, as well as making you feel awesome.

When a friend questioned me the other day how I stay so confident and positive about myself, I answered by saying ‘I don’t’. The truth is, although I might walk out of the house acting like I’m Beyonce every day, this isn’t always the case. It’s okay to not feel amazing about yourself all the time, we’re all human. But, what I have often found works for me is that, even if I’m not feeling amazing, I just fake it until I do.

So, if I’m going out and ready to meet some guys but I’m not just naturally feeling fantastic that day, I often fake brimming full of confidence instead. This is often in the form of sarcasm, arrogance and being a little bit rude to my potential suitors. It normally works for me but, yet again, you might not feel confident going about things that way. My friends told me that they, conversely, tend to go a little giggly and shy if they’re talking to a guy they want to sleep with. This isn’t normally the route I would go, but that’s the point; we all have different ways that we like to go about meeting boys.

You have to remember, life is essentially a game where we all pretend to be okay all the time, when realistically, none of us are. I think one of the best things I do to feel confident is that when even things are not going perfectly for me, I will just go along with it confidently. For example, if a guy doesn’t text you back when they said they would, make a joke out of it and laugh at yourself. If you fail a class or get sacked from a job, again, make a joke out of being a failure. It’s less about faking it to convince others that you’re okay and more about faking it to convince yourself. Be confident in your winnings and be confident in your failings. Just, without overusing the phrase, own it all.

Feeling Confident Between The Sheets… Or Anywhere Else You’re Fucking…

So, let’s apply this confidence to sex specifically. Another thing I found growing up, was I was constantly being told what I should and shouldn’t enjoy during sex. I know this sounds like a tired out idea, but the more I think about it, the more I think we really are being conditioned and told what we enjoy in bed. It’s not even in a necessarily negative way, but when you see headlines like ‘spice up your sex life’, it’s suggesting that you should want to do different things in bed constantly. I mean, fuck, some people might enjoy missionary under the covers, some might enjoy getting power blasted in broad daylight over a park bench. It’s all about finding what you like. Another fabulous thing I did for myself was sitting and taking time to work out what I like and what turns me on. This is important and something often forgotten about when you’re a young woman.

I’m a bit of a bad example when it comes to this as I am pretty experimental and a ‘freak in the sheets’ kind of girl. I’m a switch, I love power plays, dirty talk, public sex, pain and am generally up for almost anything. But, this doesn’t mean I don’t know specifically what I like and don’t like in bed, especially when it comes to things like foreplay and positions. For example, becoming confident on top and knowing how to make myself orgasm up there was a very positive experience I had with an ex boyfriend. So, on top becomes a bit of a default position for me as I enjoy being in charge and know that it’s a sure fire way for me to orgasm. However, my best friend’s favourite orgasm-inducing position is doggy style, and another friend of mine can only orgasm when the guy is on top.

This takes practice and a few different sexual partners, but the point I’m trying to make is that, to be confident sexually, you have to be confident in what you want. This can even mean just being mindful of what porn you find yourself watching (if you do watch it), or what scenarios you fantasise about when you’re masturbating. These aren’t just silly thing that you think about when you’re alone, these are sexual preferences that your mind is inventing of it’s own accord. You should embrace these and remember them when you’re experimenting with a new partner. Don’t be afraid if they maybe seem a little strange, if you stay confident and open-minded about your own sexuality, your sexual partner won’t question it and if they do, then maybe they’re not the person for you.

So, You’re Gonna Fuck Him, Now What?

So, you’ve got your confidence uniform on, you’ve been thinking extensively about what you like in bed and have masturbated your little socks off. You’ve met a cute guy and are heading home with him. What are you doing next?

First of all, if I’m taking a guy home, it’s because I want to fuck them. No questions asked. I’m not taking him home to cuddle, I’m not taking him home for oral only, I’m not taking him home to sexually frustrate both of us. We’re going home for sex, that’s it.

The reason I’m clarifying this is not to say, ‘if you take a guy home and don’t sleep with him you’re being a tease!’ No no. The reason I’m stating this is because this is my first point of call for feeling confident about taking a guy home. If you have it in your head that you’re going home for sex, you know what’s about to go down, you’re in control of then situation and you can plan a little bit. It also makes you aware very quickly of what you want and whether or not you really want to sleep with the guy.

Another little disclaimer: DO NOT fuck the guy if you don’t want to. At any point if you change your mind, withdraw from the situation immediately (see my previous blog post). This isn’t me trying to say that you have to sleep with a guy if you go home with them. It’s your body and your choice!

Anyway, that aside, you’re home with this guy. You’re kissing, grabbing, rolling about like idiots, etc. What I would normally do is make sure I’m talking to the guy a bit during the sex, not necessarily dirty talking but just having a semi-dirty dialogue going. For example, my go to is ‘so what do you like?’ This is a nice and easy opener because it’s a fairly subdued introduction to dirty talk and also gives you the opportunity to tell them what you like as well. If the guy introduces you to something new and you want to try it, go for it, but if you’re not really feeling it, just suggest something else that you like but that you think you can both enjoy.

If he wants to do something you like, you absolutely have to try your best to let go of any inhibitions and just go with it. If you half ass something you’ve been wanting to do for ages, you’re just going to feel disappointed and the situation will be awkward. Remember, this guy is home with you, clearly really wants to sleep with you, and you should fucking rock that.

And one of the most important things I cannot stress enough:

YOU. LOOK. FUCKING. SEXY. NAKED.

Think in your history of getting naked in front of people in a sexual context, has the other person ever gone ‘actually nah I’m okay I think’ and left? If they have they’re a cunt, but I’m guessing most people reading this will laugh at that idea. Let go of your worries about your body, the guy wants you, just own it.

Right so that’s it from me today. Remember friends, when it comes to meeting people and sex, remember the four golden rules:

Find your confidence uniform

Own your failings along with your winnings

Get in touch with what turns you on, not anyone else!

Carry yourself with the confidence of a majestic sex-hungry gazelle, you are a sexy goddess and the more you think it, the more you’ll believe it

So, I’ll set the scene: you’ve gotten a little too drunk/high, decided to go home with someone you thought was fairly cute and then regretted it very quickly. The last part can be pre or post sex, or sometimes not even related to the sex at all. The person you’re with is dramatically more into the situation than you are, and you essentially just need to get yourself out of there as quickly as possible.

I’ve had two of these situations recently, one fairly simple to resolve and one a little more tricky.

Of course, I’m not meaning to be harsh when I say I want to get away from these guys as quick as possible. It is more so because I don’t see the point in wasting time and getting a rubbish night’s sleep just for the sake of a tired out old idea that it’s more respectful to sleep next to somebody after fucking them. Especially if it’s just a one night stand.

So, let’s get to the questions that I’ll be pondering today. At what point do you accept that a one night stand isn’t working? How do you accept it when you’re on the receiving end of the ditching? Conversely, what are the tell tale signs that you should leave a one night stand? And how the hell do you get the unwanted, clingy dude out of your flat the next morning?

The first situation I found myself in was after a very heavy night of drinking. I was at a club with my friend and after the various vodka concoctions had melted away my inhibitions, I decided I really fancied fucking someone. I met a guy who, to his credit, was actually very good looking. Great face, good body but absolutely shit conversational skills. This kind of thing is fine when you’re shouting a few words at each other every few minutes over the sound of loud music. But when you get that person home, it’s a different story.

Now, we all like a good compliment now and again but one of the main problems with this guy was that he was just way too into it. Yeah, I know I’m good in bed, you really don’t have to tell me every few seconds. At first it’s nice, twenty times in five minutes is just overkill. He was okay in bed… but just okay, not to discredit him, but nothing special. I never regret sex, so it’s not that I’m angry at myself for sleeping with him, but I’m just happy I decided to do a bit of a sneak out in the early hours.

So, this comes to our first thought of the day, accepting that the one night stand isn’t working. One night stands can be fucking fantastic, the thrill of sex with a new person you barely know can make any woman feel like a bit of a goddess. But, there comes a time when it obviously just isn’t going to work. I’m a firm believer in some people just being naturally sexually compatible and often when sex isn’t working well for me with somebody, especially if it’s only a one night stand, I just chalk it up to us not being well matched in bed. The guy was into it, I wasn’t and frankly after a while I just started feeling awkward.

We went to go to sleep at about 5.30am and the dude keeps going on about how he doesn’t want to sleep and wants to fuck all night etc. Awkward as shit. So I make up some fake shit about being exhausted and wanting to sleep. Then, when I hear him snoring I sneak out of bed, put my clothes on and head for the door.

Right when I’m about to leave I hear the guy, awake, asking where I’m going. Shit.

I made up a lie about needing the toilet. The guy then questions why I have all my clothes on and my bag. Double shit.

At this stage, I knew I basically just had to turn around and tell him I really wasn’t interested in staying over and that I just wanted to sleep in my own bed. Now, the reason I tried to sneak out and didn’t just say this to the guy in the first place is simple. I read the guy’s behaviour and what he said, and knew that he’d be the kind to moan and try and make me stay. Which is fine, but there was no way I wanted to spend an extended period of time with this guy.

And that is the situation in which you perform the ditch. I haven’t done it too many times, and I don’t plan on it being a very regular occurrence every time I sleep with someone. But, in this situation: when the sex is average, you can’t have a good conversation with them and they’re way more into it than you are. This is the time when you know you need to excuse yourself. So I had a lovely, hour long walk of shame home at 6.30 in the morning. Thank god I’d decided to go out in jeans and a shirt that night.

This guy was pretty chilled about it, didn’t seem too offended and seemed to understand. The only issue was the text he sent me the next day saying ‘last night was fun 🙂 when’s round two?’. By this point, I was done with being nice and frankly couldn’t be bothered to deal with yet another awkward conversation so I didn’t reply. Hopefully no hard feelings, good luck to the dude.

Now, my second situation was a little more of a sticky one. Largely due to the fact that the guy, unbeknownst to me, was clingy and actually pretty fucking entitled. By the end of it, I just wasn’t into the situation at all.

The first problem of the situation was we met when we were both on a lot of MDMA. This was fine, but everyone in the situation needs to be aware that when you’re on drugs, everyone wants to be everyone’s best friends, everyone wants to meet up for drinks, everyone wants to go on dates, it’s just the way it goes. So, naturally me and this guy were planning on meeting each other again, that was until the drugs wore off.

Yet again, he was a very attractive guy and pretty fun to be around. We had a nice time in the club we met in and enjoyed hanging out at mine afterwards.

And there it is, rookie error number one: I took him to my flat. I love my flat, it’s cute and I have a great flatmate, I love showing this off to people. But I question myself again and again why I took a one night stand to my flat. The main problem of this is, you can’t get up and leave your own flat, and when you’ve got a stage five clinger on your hands, this can present a serious issue.

I won’t go into details of the night we spent together as there’s nothing really to write home about, fairly good sex with a fairly good looking guy. You get the picture. It was next morning that presented a serious issue.

First of all, I was absolutely exhausted and had barely slept. The entire time I was trying to sleep this guy was grabbing my tits, pushing his hands in between my legs, stroking my hair, kissing my neck and trying to get me to have sex again and again. I pretended to be asleep for this first twenty minutes of this and then tried to nudge him away a few times. This didn’t work, so eventually I just pushed him away, said ‘stop, I’m sleeping’ and then he finally fucked off and rolled over in a strop. So, by this point I’m already annoyed by this guy. Yes, okay, try to initiate sex if you want to, but if the other person isn’t interested or isn’t even conscious, that’s when you need to stop. It’s creepy and weird.

Second of all, I got up wanting to have my morning coffee and cigarette in my flat, which I have every right to do, because, you know… it’s my flat. The guy then decides to bitch at me about how he hates girls who smoke and asked me not to smoke in my room because he was there. Firstly, fuck off, secondly, fuck off again. This is my flat, you saw me smoking all night long and didn’t have a problem then so don’t try and get me to leave my own flat to have a cigarette.

Third of all, I walk downstairs to make coffee and sit with my flatmate and her guy friend chatting about the night before. I had made everyone coffee and told the guy, who by this point was refusing to leave my bed, that I had a coffee for him downstairs. This is the tell tale sign that somebody wants you to fuck off. If I wanted this bro hanging around my flat all day then I would have brought him coffee and got back into bed with him for round two. But I didn’t, so maybe it’s time to have some dignity, get up, get dressed and get ready to get on your way.

Fourth of all (if that’s even a phrase people use), at about 12, I told the guy I had an artist friend I was meeting with at 12.30 for a photoshoot. This was actually something that was genuinely happening for me that day, and I thought it might give the guy the nudge he needed to get the fuck out of my flat. Wrong. The guy was by this point moaning at me to get back into bed, having a go at me for not being affectionate and making rude comments about the fact I didn’t bring him his coffee and that is had gone cold.

Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Flat.

So, my next angle was to just get in the shower and start getting ready. There’d be no going back from that right? Wrong. I was halfway through straightening my hair, having mentioned about ten times now that my friend would be arriving soon and this guy is still in his boxers in my bed. I’m not a rude person so I was trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt but by this point, when he asked me ‘oh, are you kicking me out then?’ I just had to say ‘yes, I’ve mentioned like ten times that I’m meeting a friend very soon’.

He then got up, moaned some more about me being cold and not being affectionate towards him, which, by this point was making me seriously angry, and then finally got dressed. I forced a smile, gave him a kiss goodbye and directed him to the bus stop, after assuring him that I had him on facebook.

Now, if I had found myself in the situation, my natural reaction would be to assume that this guy or girl doesn’t want me around much longer. If a guy or girl gets up and goes to the kitchen then I hear them chatting with their flatmates for longer than a few minutes, I will get up and get dressed and let them know I’m leaving soon. If they want me to stay then they’ll mention it, if they don’t, they don’t. It’s just embarrassing to go into a one night stand thinking it’s going to be more than what it is. It’s always better to expect nothing to come out of it, and be happy if something does than to lie there thinking that you’ve found your soul mate after fucking them in a drug fuelled frenzy the night before.

The lovely young man I mentioned in the second situation decided it was appropriate to message me later in the day questioning why I’d been so ‘cold’ to him that morning after he’d treated me ‘like a queen’. You could seriously script this shit I swear. My flatmate and I pondered for most of that day what he’d done to think he’d treated me ‘like a queen’ and how on earth he treats other girls if that’s him on top form. I know for one thing, he definitely won’t be getting a round two.

So, my main rules for having a successful one night stand: be aware of the tell tale signs that it just isn’t going well and learn to accept them. Be understanding of the other person and don’t be offended if it’s just painfully obvious that they want you to leave. If you bring a one night stand back to yours and they aren’t leaving, just be honest with them, you don’t owe anyone anything just because you had sex with them once.

Enjoy your casual sex for what it is, and don’t be a fucking idiot about it. Rant over.

Recently, I’ve had a little bit of an issue. See, I met a very good looking man in a club, got his number and have been slightly pursued by him.

Simple enough right? No.

The guy, who we shall call Eli, is just so damn attractive. I’m not talking mid level attractive, I’m talking sexy, Calvin Klein model, tanned skin, six pack, beautiful face level attractive. I mean, shit, his face is so nice I would almost feel bad sitting on it… almost.

So, this for me is begging the question, can it be a problem dating an incredibly attractive guy? Is sex better with a better looking person? And when do you draw the line of him being just too good looking?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a guy being absolutely gorgeous. It’s not that I feel like he’s going to be a bad guy because he’s so good looking. The issue is, I become some sort of strange different person when I date somebody this attractive. I don’t try and pretend to be something I’m not and I still say all of the same things, but inside, I find myself frantically worrying about the fact he’s so attractive.

It’s hilarious really. Before our first date, I was hurriedly messaging all of my friends and even my mum asking what to wear, how I should act, and – completely unheard of from me – asking if I should fuck the guy on our first date.

As you can already guess, I completely ignored my mum’s advice, took my friends’ advice instead, got drunk and slept with him. Life’s short and he was too hot to pass up.

But, what I found really funny and interesting was watching how my behaviour changed purely because he was so good looking. He was a very nice guy, we talked, joked around and things were obviously going very well. I never normally get self conscious around guys, especially ones as nice as him, and normally always feel like I have the control in the situation. But, with Eli I was a giggly mess who constantly worried about whether or not he wanted to be there.

I could tell he was nervous too as he kept mentioning that he never goes on dates, talked at a million miles an hour and then eventually just confessed that he was nervous. This made things a little easier and then I could eventually move onto my new set of worries: should I sleep with him? Or should I wait? Or if I do sleep with him, do I let my true self out? I.e. do I pretend I like vanilla, white bread sex under the covers?

I found myself, for the first time in a while, actually wanting to date this guy and maybe pursue him further than just being friends with benefits. But yet again, I still wasn’t sure if this was because he was so good looking or because I actually matched with him well. This is another hazard of the good looking man, I could never be sure of whether or not I truly liked him or if it was just his pretty face was painting pictures in my mind and vagina.

Then it came to the sex. I’m very happy with the way I look and I’m also a firm believer of confidence being the most attractive quality in somebody. So, I’m not one to take my clothes off and then lie there awkwardly trying to cover myself and complaining about being fat so I get compliments. I left that shit behind at eighteen.

When I knew that I was going to go ahead with the sex, I put all of my negative ‘oh no don’t be a hoe and fuck it up’ thoughts to the back of my mind and just went with it, if I was going to fuck the guy then I was going to enjoy it. The sex wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t fantastic. The funny thing was, I could tell that the guy was feeling a little nervous and out of his depth. He’d slept with a lot less people than me, which I found quite cute as I don’t mind being someone who introduces my lovers to new things. His dick was okay, he gave fairly good head and didn’t mind dirty talking. These are all things I can work with.

So, to answer one of my beginning questions: is sex better with a better looking person? Yes and no. It’s always nice to look down on the guy or girl you’re fucking and enjoy what you see. But at the same time, if they’re not delivering and meeting the basic par then what’s the point? You can have the prettiest face and hottest body in the world, but they won’t stop premature ejaculation, ugly cumming noises and an inability to find the clitoris.

I’ve had better sex than I had with Eli with people a lot less attractive than him. Does this mean I wouldn’t go back there? Not at all. But then again, perhaps that’s the good looking-ness clouding my judgement yet again. Perhaps it’s a natural inclination to want the good looking ones to stick around because it’s a confidence boost. Or perhaps it’s because we, as a species, are naturally drawn toward sexy, shiny, pretty things, much like magpies.

Maybe, I’m a magpie and I just want to grab this nice, shiny person and keep him in my nest whilst I go out looking for shinier things. But it remains to be seen whether or not he wants to spend a little more time with me. So, we can hope I’ll continue to get my fill of ‘sexy Eli’, as me and my flatmate call him. After all, if you’re gonna look down at a face in between your thighs it might as well be a pretty one right?

So, the other night I managed to tick something off my bucket list: the famous three way. I can’t lie, it was pretty fucking incredible, largely due to the fact that I was somewhat of the catalyst of the threesome. I managed to combine two friends who both admitted to wanting me, but could take or leave each other. Jackpot? Yes, you would think so.

But given my observations of the threesome, there are a few different aspects that pray on my mind rather a lot. Does my bisexuality make the threesome easier? Is there always going to be one person who’s a little left out? Is it easier with friends or strangers? Essentially, it boils down to, can you really have a threesome and chill?

It was quite a funny night really. I’d gone for cocktails with my friend’s two very ‘cool’ artist friends. You know, the type who actually know about different types of whiskey and sit contemplating the futility of life on a daily basis. Naturally, against all of my better thoughts, I wanted to fuck both of their brains out. I have a real thing for arrogance especially when you combine it with talent and creativity.

I spent most of the night seriously marking the guy, so you could say my natural inclination that night was towards him. He was so arrogant and obnoxious and I wanted it so badly. So after hanging out for a little while he mentions he has a girlfriend and I had to do that ‘oh’. You know, that ‘oh’ that means ‘fuck you I’ve wasted my time, I wanted to sit on your face all night and now you drop a girlfriend on me’. Yeah, that ‘oh’.

But me being me, I picked myself up, accepted I wasn’t going to get any sex that night and headed to the toilet. When I got back, the boy, lets call him ‘James’, turned to me and said ‘Scarlett, I didn’t know you were a lesbian?’ I turned to him, laughing as it was obvious what had gone down when I was in the bathroom.

‘I’m not a lesbian, I’m just bisexual and seeing a girl’, I laughed, then noticing that the girl across the table, who we will call ‘Tess’, had started watching me a little more closely. It’s always a funny turn of events when people find out you swing both ways. I’m very aware that 90% of the time people turn it into some sort of strange sexual fantasy in their mind, also assuming that I’m literally game for sex with almost anyone. The stereotype for bisexuals is that we’re greedy and will fuck almost anything that moves. I’m not greatly helping this stereotype, as a sex blogger who fucks a few different people each week, but hey… they’re not all like me!

So anyway, James then admits to telling everyone he’d been wanting to kiss me all night when I went to the bathroom. Then, Tess, who is a little younger than me, admits to fantasising about girls and that she really wants to sleep with a girl.

So here I am, sat in between these two skinny, pale, coffee-drinking, pretentious hipsters who want this simple British girl. I had to laugh. Everyone laughed. Trying to keep my cool, I asked the girl if she wanted to go for a drink, to which, of course, she was delighted and willing to. She was a cute girl, only eighteen but definitely mature beyond her years and I was happy to show her the ropes a bit.

After a few more drinks and some more ridiculous conversation we headed back to the two guys’ house. Somehow, despite being with some hardened drinkers, I managed to be the only person who didn’t throw up or have to take a tactical shower and sit slumped against the bed drinking a glass of water. But anyway, after an hour or so, when my friend had passed out in bed, James, Tess and I decided we would all get into James’ bed to ‘cuddle and sleep’ (have you ever heard of a bigger load of shit?) Especially because by this point I had found out James’ relationship was an open one.

So yeah, there I was, lying in bed, James spooning me and Tess facing me. The lights went off and within thirty seconds I was kissing Tess fervently, with James’ biting my neck and running his hands all over my body. It was fucking hot, I won’t lie to you. But this isn’t a porn site so I won’t ply you with details. But let’s put it this way, we fucked for a good three hours and I’ve never felt so damn wanted.

This is the first point I wanted to make about threesomes. As the person who caused the threesome between two friends, due to them both wanting me, it meant the threesome was pretty damn incredible for me as I generally was in the middle of all the chaos of skinny hipster bodies. But, I was often left pondering whether or not one person felt less included in the threesome, or if I was paying equal attention to both. I found myself leaning a little more towards James, purely because of his experience and the fact he was probably the biggest dick I have ever had in my life.

Although, I did find our mutual bisexuality made things a little easier. Both Tess and I were totally comfortable fucking each other and since we both liked girls, there was none of that awkward in between phase when one of us was fucking James. Honestly, I can’t really imagine having a threesome where one of the people doesn’t want to fuck one of the other ones. I think the whole point of a threesome is that all parties need to be involved. In this sense, I do think being bisexual makes it easier. This isn’t to say heteros shouldn’t enjoy a good threesome too, but just make sure you have an open mind before you go into it.

In this instance, I was definitely leaning toward the more straight side of the spectrum. But, this is not to say I wouldn’t lean more towards the girl in some instances.

So, was I leaving Tess out? Possibly, but I felt like I was giving her equal attention. Possibly the issue was the fact my mind was constantly leading me towards James. When Tess left to get coffee in the morning, James and I fucked again, she knew full well it was happening and didn’t seem to mind. But, possibly I was feeling a little numb to it due to the fact I was the one that caused the threesome.

Another important thing I wanted to cover is positions. In porn, we’re often conditioned to boy boy girl threesomes, watching copious amounts of double penetration, double anal, bukkake and group blowjob scenes. I’ve always found in the porn that portrays girl girl guy threesomes, the positions just seem a little unrealistic and often leave one person out of the fun. One position I would definitely recommend is the guy lying down, with one girl on his face and one girl fucking him. James, who is your classic dominant, complained about not having the control, but enjoyed it all the same. Tess is a submissive and I’m a switch so we managed to work it out pretty well for everyone to get their turn.

One of the main tips I would give is to be chilled out and not expect the entire thing to run like a porn film. You’re not going to be thrashing around constantly in fits of passion. There’s going to be times when you all lie back and start giggling at what you’re doing. You’re going to have times when you have to stop and have to sort of negotiate positions. There will be times when maybe one person is feeling a little less into it than the others so you essentially have to be comfortable with having someone sit and watch you fuck, or for you to sit and watch someone fucking. It’s essential that you laugh at yourself, and try not to feel awkward or make anyone else feel awkward. When it boils down to it, you’re having a threesome, just be open-minded and go with it.

We ended the night eventually agreeing that we may meet up individually for sex but wouldn’t have any organised threesomes. I liked this, as organising a threesome is something I just wouldn’t do. The way I see it, it should be a drunken, spontaneous thing that your older self will look back on and laugh at. It shouldn’t be an awkward, organised encounter with loads of build-up. That’s strange, formal and realistically who wants that when they’re fucking?

So kids, grab yourselves some sexually liberated hipsters, drink a few too many cocktails and fuck their brains out at the same time. It’s pretty fun and a rightful tick off the bucket list.