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Tuesday, March 02, 2004

When Will I Learn to Love Again!? Damn You Fabio!

It’s official, I’ve, again, wasted far too much of my time on a reality show.

Those of you who watched Average Joe Hawaii last night know exactly what I’m talking about.

For those of you who didn’t (smartly) watch last night, here’s a recap.

Larissa didn’t pick Brian the Bostonian and instead opted for Fort Lauderdale Gill. But there was a twist. Larissa later got dumped in Cabo.

Okay, this ending bugged me on many different levels. Not that I didn’t see it coming. I knew that she would pick the vacuous Gill, but not because he’s oh-so-dreamy. And we all knew that Larissa and Gill would break up (but it was cool to actually see it on the show).

Here’s what bugged me the most. That show was too damned honest!

Honest, if you know how to speak “reality show.” And, I think, that’s something that we’re all getting pretty good at.

For one, the show was formatted exactly like the last show, which left little doubt as to the outcome. They showed the “hunky” guy’s hometown visit first. The visit goes horribly (at least it appeared to, I’m sure they cut out all of the animal sex). Then they show the “Joe’s” visit and it goes really well. And since we know that these shows thrive on making us feel for the loser, Bean Town Brian had no chance (at least he got to be the envy of his friends for a moment, although, I’m sure that’s little consolation to him now as he is shamed and pitied).

For those of you who don’t speak “reality show,” let me translate a few things for you.

Larissa: (To Brian as she rejects him) You need someone who will say, “I love you too.”

Translation:I know that I said that I was looking for someone but you actually have emotions, and emotions are baggage. I just wanted to be on T.V.

Gill: (Just before Larissa is going to choose) I really hope she picks me.

Translation:They are going to interview the winner on Good Morning America and any number of daytime talk type shows and I really just wanted to be on T.V. as much as possible

Brian: (Somewhere in Boston) I think that I’m falling in love

Translation:I’m a moron and I think that I’m falling in love

Sure, this is all pretty pedestrian. It’s what we’ve come to expect. But, Gill admitting that he did the show in order to jump start an acting career is just not right!

That’s for us to infer, damnit! We all know it! That’s why we always hate you afterwards. We don’t like to have our emotions played for a publicity stunt. (We always let it happen and then wake up the next morning with a bad taste in our mouths - that’s just the way of the reality television world.) But, noooo, you had to go and fess up to it. You weren’t playing by the rules, Gill!

Gill’s candor did have some malicious advantages though. It made Larissa look even more vapid for picking him. Touché, Gill. Touché. And then when Gill tapped out like a ten year old at the Ultimate Fighting Championships once he learned that Larissa had dated Fabio, and then left her crying on a couch in Mexico about how “Brian must have felt,” well, that was a master stroke!

Vous êtes le maître, Gill. But Fabio?! Please don’t tell me that you actually punked out like a bitch because of Fabio?! And if I ever see that you’ve actually been cast in something (as someone other than yourself), I will lose what little faith I have left in the Hollywood dream. Gill, take a page from Fabio’s book. Don’t try to act too much. And, if you chose to, do it poorly.

In conclusion: I don’t know why I watch these stupid shows. I guess that it fulfills some need to hate?

And here’s some advice to future “looking for love” reality show contestants. Don’t look like you actually want anything other than a two-picture deal to come of your appearance. You’ll never get picked if you genuinely care. People just want to be on T.V.

Fun Fact: Girl Scout cookies are actually baked by the Devil in a hollow tree in Hell for the sole purpose that I may become a fat-ass. Damn you Satan and your mediocre confections!