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Breaking up sucks. This is no lie. I’ve broken up with a few people and I’ve been broken up with by a few people. Before I continue, though, I need to do something real fast.

Honey, this isn’t working out. I think it’s best for us to see other people.

When can I come by and get my copy of “Cool Runnings”? I do want that back.

See? I just broke up with somebody just now. It happens all the time. Somewhere, right now, someone is being broken up with. Somewhere else, maybe even in the next room, two people are falling in love. [Kyle’s Note: Editor, mark that last line for my Pulitzer.][Editor’s Note: You’ve been out of contention for a Pulitzer for roughly six or seven months now. Something about “use of pervasively offensive and insensitive language.” Sorry.][Kyle’s Note: That’s ridiculous. I didn’t want that stupid Pulshitzer anyway.][Editor’s Note: I rest my case.]

Actually doing the breaking up has sucked most times (“Most” because there was that one time I broke up with a girl by showing her an interpretive dance piece of me making out with her best friend. That was kind of cool.). Being broken up with has sucked every time. As unfortunate as it may be, breaking up is a necessary part of the “dating” scene. It’s an intrinsic risk of the experience. It’s just like how drinking an entire jug of wine in a night, while tons of fun at first, also has the potential to end with you curled up on the bathroom floor, practically covered in magenta vomit that may or may not even be your own.

Good things are fun. We love good things. I feel like the relative “goodness” of things is why we like them, or we like them because they are good. It boggles the mind.

This holds little to no significance to the actual subject matter. Don't try to find a connection--there isn't one.

One Harvard University psychologist, L. Lee, has posited that there are actually five steps to breaking up. I’ve added supplementary notes where appropriate:

Discovery of dissatisfaction — when either or both partners become dissatisfied with the relationship

Exposure — when both partners become aware of the problem/s in the relationship

Negotiation — when both parties try to negotiate a solution to their problem/s (usually involves a lot of screaming)

Resolution and transformation — when the parties apply the agreed solution (and/or turns into a car)

Termination — if the agreed solution does not work and no further solutions are agreed or tried (one/all of those involved are killed)

I would like to add two more steps:

6. Intoxicated Electronic Supplication — Via text or facebook message, one party will either beg for the return of the departing partner, or ask for the forgiveness of the party that has been broken up with while absolutely shit faced. Watch for key clues such as “So ufckin soirry” and a heavy use of the term “baby,” which is prevalent whether or not the term-of-endearment was ever used in the relationship.

7. Disdainful Renaming — One party whispers “What a dick” or “What a bitch” every time the ex approaches/speaks/is visible. This stage is almost a guarantee no matter what end of the breakup you are on.

Did you know that even celebrities get broken up with? Yea, it’s true. Now, their rebounds are way, way, hotter than yours, but the general motive is the same. Last week Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley decided that marriage just kind of sucks and filed for divorce. This proves another point: not only do celebrities get broken up with, so do married people. Marriages–supposedly the most secure and well-based forms of romantic relationships–also can end.

Here’s something from me. I don’t think you should take a break up personally–whether you’re giving it or taking it. The best thing any of us can hope for is to fall in love with and spend our lives with someone we love.

Someone I love.

A break up is more an opportunity to find the right person rather than wasting your time trying to make a relationship work with the wrong person. If you get dumped it isn’t necessarily because you’re a bad person (although you very well may be), it’s because with that specific person you just don’t fit. Get it? I hope so. Now go find someone you fit with–or just let them find you.