Is Sex Not Clicking With Your Partner? We’re Here to Help

If we were to believe everything we see in movies and on TV, pleasurable sex is something everyone has, relatively effortlessly and on a regular basis. But it’s not that simple. Good sex involves more than just meeting someone you’re attracted to and getting down to business; it involves other factors like knowing our anatomy and our likes and dislikes and how to communicate them to our partner. According to sexpert and columnist Tyomi Morgan, there are four main things that hold us back from good sex, and she’s here to tell us how to fix them.

No matter how much you might want to have sex with someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are physically or emotionally a good fit. Here are some of the problems preventing you from having the best sex of your life and how to move past them.

1. It’s not working because: Shame or bad communication are holding you back

It’s important for couples to talk about sex to find what best works for them and how to establish a baseline of reality vs. expectations. Unfortunately, shame plays a huge part in couples, especially women, being uncomfortable with conversations about sex and pleasure.

“Remember that there is nothing wrong with talking about sex,” Morgan tells SheKnows. “Remove the shame from the subject. When two people don’t communicate about why the sex is happening, when the sex will happen and how it is going to go down, the experience becomes a guessing game.”

What to do instead

Morgan’s suggestion: to be honest, authentic and speak in a form that is comfortable for you.

Don’t be afraid to communicate in the ways that make it easier for you to not only pass on information but also to receive it. She suggests sending a text message about something you’ve seen about sex that you want to share with your partner and ask their opinion. Or write a short letter asking your partner a question about their sexuality so you can get to know more about what they desire.

Another option: Play a game where you write sexual questions and put them in a box and take turns pulling and answering or play a naughty truth or dare game that you can download from the app store. Have a casual conversation over dinner or drinks about the last experience you’ve had.

“Be as creative or as direct as you feel you need to be in talking about sex,” Morgan adds.

2. It’s not working because: You’re not using the right positions

According to Morgan, misunderstandings, misinterpretation in body signals, genital mismatch, lack of skill and lack of desire coming from one partner or even both all contribute to sex “not working out.”

Remember: Sex positions are not one-size-fits-all. It’s important to try positions that work with your anatomy.

What to do instead

No, you can’t change your body, but you can change your position.

While there are all types of sex, these suggestions are specifically for penis-in-vagina penetrative intercourse. For those with wider vaginas paired with penises that don’t measure up in girth, Morgan suggests trying positions that place the legs close together, allowing the vaginal canal to narrow.

People with narrower vaginas that are paired with penises with wider girth should try positions that widen the canal (for instance, legs spread wide or doggy style) or allow her to have control over the depth of penetration (woman on top).

Shallow strokes work for all vaginas because most of the nerves are concentrated at the opening and around the outer first third.

The takeaway: Positions matter just as much as stroke technique.

3. It’s not working because: You need to take time to learn your body

Most of us know that penises vary in size, length and girth — but did you know the same goes for vaginas? And yes, this is totally normal.

“Every woman’s vagina is a different shape and size,” Morgan explains.

What to do instead

Take the time to explore your body and appreciate its beauty.

“It is important for women to remember not to cast shame upon men who may not fit well for them and vice versa. This fact alone will save a lot of self-esteems from being deflated,” Morgan says.

4. It’s not working because: You didn’t account for change

Both our bodies and our relationships with sex change over time — and that’s normal too.

According to Morgan, many believe sex remains constant through our lives. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Age/life experiences, partners and health all have effects on your sexual experiences. For women in particular, genetics, anatomy and childbirth can have an effect on vaginal shape and size.

What to do instead

Embrace the change.

“Don’t hold an expectancy for your sexual desires and compatibility to remain the same over time. It will shift,” Morgan says. “Be patient with your growth and allow yourself to feel what you feel without judgment. It’s our birthright to explore our sexual desires and to have pleasurable intimate experiences in love.”