Intangible. Untouchable. All things to some People. And a laughable concept to everyone else…

A Vigil for The Daily Record

The Clumpany has been locked in talks with its spiritual advisor @FrPaulStone, about how best to respond to a humanitarian crisis in bore-torn Sevconia.

We ruled out an earnest TV appeal fronted by Charles Green with the strapline “help these big Yorkshire hands to help those less fortunate” as that might seem tacky, and we decided against placing an advert in the Guardian as they might end up bizarrely suggesting it was submitted in the wrong language…

We thought about a sponsored shark-jump, but wouldn’t wish to undermine the perpetual charitable efforts of Chris Jack; and we thought about asking STV staff to do a sponsored reading of the Offshore Game report on air, but then remembered we wanted help rather than an outright miracle.

We also considered asking Dave King if he would conduct guided tours of his war chest in return for donations, but felt that this would prove to be – quite literally – an empty experience for all concerned.

We then wondered whether Baron Bouffant’s barber would be interested in publishing a book of male grooming tips with all proceeds doing to charity. But he muttered something about “hair like that only comes about through sorcery” and slammed the phone down on us.

I asked the good Father if he might like to make a personal donation from his church roof fund, which I believe is currently just resting in his account. However, once the ambulance left and he regained consciousness, he politely declined.

We also thought about putting on a fundraising match between Rangers and AC Milan Legends, but then laughed out loud for 10 minutes…

Finally we settled on a non-monetary response to the crisis: a candlelit vigil outside Daily Record Towers.

“But what is the reason for this vigil?”, I hear you ask. “What humanitarian crisis has befallen the good People of Sevconia?”

Well allow me to explain. And to be frank with you. It’s not all the People of Sevconia who need our support at this difficult time. No, it’s just the Record’s Gary Ralston.

Woe is Gary! His relationship with the ‘same club’ (despite its rumoured liquidation in 2012) has been lost!

Lost, I tell you!

Destroyed!

Scattered to the four winds!

Not merely pining for the Fjords, but DEAD!

And all because of a disputed account of whether Stewart Regan had arranged a meeting with Sevco to discuss the independent report into the depressing scenes which followed the Scottish Cup Final.

[No you didn’t read the start of that piece incorrectly, the Record really has chosen this moment to start howling about integrity in Scottish football and about how tenable Stewart Regan’s position is! The same Daily Record which is yet to mention the Offshore Game report at all!]

I can’t begin to tell you how distressed I am by this turn of events. One of the Daily Record’s finest has seemingly been estranged from an Ibrox club!

The paper which brought us the ‘Motherwell-born billionaire’ Craig Whyte.

The paper which is legendary for its ‘lamb-tastic’ coverage of the deeds of Sir David Murray.

The paper which was prepared to put its status as a Rangers creditor behind it and effect a humiliating u-turn from its famous ‘R.I.P. RFC’ front page.

The paper which Paul Murray personally thanked for its “courageous journalism” following the Glorious Takeover of March 2015.

The very journalist who spoke in hilarious terms about how Mike Ashley was in for the fight of his life against Dave King, and might well end up owing money to Sevco!

The journalist who sensitively brought us the distressing news that Sevco were going to have to pay the LNS fine [ho, ho, ho…].

The journalist who told us with some gusto about how His Big Mikeness might be forced to sell his RIFC shares.

The journalist who staunchly defended the New Regime by arguing that Richard Foster, Ian Black and Kris Boyd, “would be better served looking at their own failures rather than lashing out at Ibrox chairman Dave King.”

The journalist who almost told us about how Dave King had single-handedly preserved the Imperial Honour of Her Majesty Queen Victoria at Rorke’s Drift…

Etc.

Yes, I can well imagine how a Sevco-SFA spat over the holding of a meeting might cause Mr Ralston to lose his relationship with an Ibrox outfit.

I am sure you all agree that a candlelit vigil is the least we can do to show support for Gary at this difficult time.

The date and time of the gathering is still to be confirmed, but I understand that @FrPaulStone will kick off proceedings with a reading from the Book of Lamentations (of Rangers Creditors), before inviting everyone to join in with an affirmation of the Bampot’s Creed: