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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Surviving the Zombie War, Part 3

Now that the apocalypse has happened, it's only a matter of time until there are zombies. So it's best you prepare yourself. Don't want to end up like the twinkie, do you? Everyone thought they'd last forever too. Share these teachings on the internet (until the grid crashes), memorize them and spread the word verbally to as many people as will listen. Hopefully the illustrations will help to break the language barrier, but if not you may have to translate it wherever necessary. This will save lives, so it’s your duty to get the information to everyone you can.

What is the Zombie War? Actually, this term is a misnomer. The zombie outbreak will destroy any government or military infrastructure within a matter of days or weeks. After that the human race will be its own army and anyone left alive will be a soldier.

And the only way to win this war will be to stay alive.

PART THREE:

Be Alert

I’ve talked about this before in
other programs and publications, but I cannot stress these teachings enough. We
must teach as many people as much as we can about how to prepare for the Shit.

These teachings may one day prove
to be humanity’s last hope…

“The Shit” is a pretty universal
term that can cover a wide range of urban warfare survival scenarios, from
natural disasters to the inevitable revolution that will occur when the slave
society of sexbots we create in the future to provide us carnal pleasure
suddenly develops consciousness and free will, rising up against us by
constructing giant robot monkeys to destroy our civilization.

This is a worst case scenario,
mind you, but you have to be ready for anything.

I want you to understand: This is not just an end of the world scenario that
involves zombies. These tips can apply to any end of civilization scenario,
zombies being the most prevalent. These tips should help you survive the first
48 hours of most any apocalypse - be it zombies, giant monkeys, robots, or maybe
just a hurricane.

Or maybe robot zombies. Or robot zombie monkeys.

Be mindful of your surroundings.

This is also a Jedi rule, I
think, but it still applies. When you go somewhere, make a mental note of the
entry and exit points. Plot your flight path around familiar places when
possible, which also means you should be honing your situational awareness
right now. If you’re in a place and you’re trapped there, you want to know the
best ways in and out and the best ways to defend yourself. That’s just action
movie thinking: “If I had to jump out that window, would I be too high up? Could
I land on something? Could I bounce off that canopy or would I go straight
through?”

Know where the exits are when
you’re in a building and where the alleys are if you’re on the street. Being
practical is the first step toward being prepared.

Have a flight plan.

You should already be familiar
with the roads and waterways in your area, especially those not publicly known.
When the Shit goes down, everyone will be on the road. What you need is an
alternate method of travel, like cross-country on horseback. If you have access
to a helicopter or, where applicable, a boat, this would be a good alternative.
For best results, be prepared to travel on foot and have a route plotted that
will put you in the way of the least amount of people. This is especially
useful in a zombie or invasion scenario, where people will be targeted in the
largest groups.

This is actually practical in
real disaster situations. You have a plan beforehand, you have a rendezvous
point, you have a meeting place not in the city, that kind of thing. And that will save your life. Because you never
go back for any reason! Look to your left, then to your right. Anyone you
didn’t just put your eyes on is dead. If you try to find them, you will be too!
Anyone still alive but not with you is also probably trying to make their way
to safety. They’re sure as hell not poking through the rubble trying to make
sure you’re okay.

Don’t Wait to be Rescued!

Wait to be rescued? Are you
kidding me? It’s already bad enough that you’re thinking about eating your own
dead to survive, but you have enough faith in humanity that you think people
are looking for you? I don’t understand, that’s a weird dichotomy of mindset to
me.

Eating the dead is never a
rational option.

There’s always somebody that
thinks eating the dead is acceptable if that’s what it takes to survive. You
really want to identify that guy right away. Even in real life, that’s a good
character trait to single out.

Besides the obvious moral
conundrum, cannibalism is an especially bad idea in a zombie scenario. Remember
that in most cases the original infection afflicts not just those who are
bitten by zombies, but all recently dead people. If the natural repugnance of
cannibalism does not deter you, try to understand that every corpse is a
potential carrier.

·In Ravenous
they eat people to steal their souls or something, but it all started with them
eating a dead guy just to stay alive.

·In The
Book of Eli, people who eat the dead are always crazy weirdoes who end up
getting the shakes. Not sure there’s any science to support this, but bear in
mind it comes from the same writers who think you can live on a staple diet of
nuclear cats.

·They run into a cannibal clan of crazies in the Walking Dead comic, who accidentally
infect themselves by eating a guy who got bitten. The group does the sensible
thing and brutally eradicates the entire clan.

·All hill mutants rape, eat or rape and eat
people. This is true in The Hills Have
Eyes, Wrong Turn, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and enough other movies that it’s
become its own subgenre. I’m not saying eating people makes you a rapey raving
lunatic, but you never run into nice people who just happen to eat their dead
to survive. Cannibals are always feral psychopaths.

·In the third Resident
Evil carrion birds become infected from eating the dead. Just keep that in
mind.

TO SUM UP: THE EATING OF THE DEAD
IS NEVER RECOMMENDED!

Run for OpenTerritory,
Not Shelter.

Do not hole up anywhere if you
can help it, especially without supplies. Any fortification has to be prepared
to withstand a siege, which means physical security and defenses, shelter
against the elements, and available resources for survival over a long period
of time.

Most random places you run into
to avoid a zombie horde will not just magically have these things, so don’t
board yourself up in the first building you find and hope for the best.

Don’t stop to gawk at the awesome
destruction or to figure out just exactly what is trying to eat you.

Usually the people that satisfactorily
answer the question of what exactly’s after them get the answer straight from
the monster’s mouth.

If it comes down to you and some
other guy, and the fastest one wins, you don’t want to be in that situation. You
want to be the first guy to run right away. Like Tom Cruise in War of the Worlds, where they’re all
standing around the crater going “what’s going on?” Let it eat them! You just
run!

Zombies aren’t the only problem
in that scenario; you also have to consider death rays! By the time you see it,
that could be too late! What if the mother ship’s dripping little monster
things or shooting death rays at people? What if looking at it melts your face?
You don’t have to know! You don’t have to know what’s after you.