It’s 2018. Lord Beckham steps on to the stage at Solitude to face the world’s media after putting pen to paper on a new two-week contract with Cliftonville.

“It’s been a dream of mine to play for the Reds and I assure you I’m just as fit now at 42 as I was playing at Old Trafford half that age,” said Becks. “I feel I can go on for a long while yet and will be inspired turning out for another of the world’s greatest clubs.”

Roy Hodgson, amazingly still the England coach, refused to be drawn on instant speculation that Beckham will be called up for the vital qualifier against Gibraltar.

The player won’t be ‘paid’ by Cliftonville: his ‘salary’ will go to the Women’s Institute. It’s not known how much though Beckham will receive for image rights and endorsements. Nor can we be certain if wife Victoria will live on the Falls Road or shop at Primark.

David’s face, still gorgeous, will adorn tomorrow morning’s Times and Sun newspapers but the Cliftonville Press Office refutes any suggestion that this is a publicity stunt for Brand Beckham. A spokesperson said: “As if anyone could think such an awful thing.”