29 April 2012

Sentimental Sunday - Why Would You Want to be a Genealogist?

When I started this blog, I honestly didn't think anyone would be interested in knowing about my journey. I've been very pleasantly surprised about the support it's received. So many people have taken the time not only to read what's in this space but also to comment about it as well. For that, I am incredibly grateful. What's more, I've discovered not only am I sharing my journey, I'm uncovering myself in the process.

As those of you who regularly read this blog know, I am sans family. Well, not completely without family, but I don't have children. It wasn't a choice but a medical condition that prevents me from having kids; my husband is not comfortable with adoption. When I first found out I shouldn't have children, I was devastated, but never shared that with anyone. It wasn't 'me' to share my feelings (hard to believe, right?!). Years past, and like any loss, the pain eased a bit. But I find that not having the opportunity to have children, as I so deeply want, has had other unexpected and sometimes unwanted consequences.

My husband comes from a large family. He has four siblings and as of today, we have seven living nephews and nieces (one is deceased) ranging in age from 34 to 4 and seven grand- nephews and nieces. When I first met my husband, everyone was very close and we spent the vast majority of our free time with them. We were present at the births of three of our nieces and nephews, a privilege I never thought I'd have. We cared for our 'middle' nieces and nephew like they were our own, because in many ways, they were the closest thing we'd ever get to knowing what it feels like to have our own family.

But, as with so many families, there was a disagreement. There was a member of the family who, quite frankly, didn't want to BE a part of the family. That person considered their family to just be a spouse and children. Didn't want the 'intrusion' of the rest of the family. So, this person systematically took down an entire family. It's incredible to look back on the series of events and realize that's what was happening. When it was all said and done, last summer, my husband's family fell apart to the point siblings pointed fingers at each other and said they were no longer siblings. How very, very sad.

Over the last seven years or so, we stopped going to his family functions because they were just too awkward; frankly we'd stopped receiving invitations to things. My husband was always a bit philosophical about these kinds of things. I have to claim my feminine qualities for taking it much more personally; for admitting that my heart broke a little more each day we were pushed farther and farther out of the family.

At the same time last summer my husband's family was splitting apart, my parents fulfilled their dream of moving to Arizona. While they've settled in and seem happy, my Mom has had a number of medical challenges, including two stays in the hospital. I don't have the financial resources to go back and forth to Arizona, so I haven't seen them in almost a year. Just last week Mom had to go back to the emergency room; my first thought was I just wanted to be there to hold her hand. I struggle with feeling guilty that I'm not there to take care of them at a time in their lives when they really need me. Except they chose to be in Arizona and are happier there than they were when they lived here.

I made a profound realization this week. The timing of my decision to restart my genealogical journey came squarely at a time when I felt abandoned by my family. I threw myself into my genealogical research and I decided to start this blog. I recognized, as an Archivist, that there simply is not enough education out there for family historians and Genealogists about how to properly care for and manage their own collections and I want to fill that void with the knowledge I've acquired. I brought people into my circle and I tried to get on a solid path to creating an archival and genealogical services business. Having worked in the financial industry, I recognized that keeping your business and personal lives separate is a key to success. But in the Genealogical world, those lines aren't so clear cut.

The other aspect of my realization is that, feeling abandoned by my family, I tried to create a family rather than a business. I so desperately want to be a part of a family that I subconsciously created one where one didn't exist. I put expectations on people that were incredibly unfair, and in so doing, harmed potentially beneficial relationships. Only time will tell if this tactical stumble will hurt me in the future with my business; I hope that my passion for the stories our ancestors have to tell and the desire to preserve the physical remnants of those stories will be what people remember. I am a skilled technician and an exemplary researcher; I have a significant drive to share that with others.

I felt the need to share this story here because someday I hope that someone researching their family will have a greater understanding of why I'm so passionate about being a Genealogist. (As I say to myself) It's a family, dummy.

Why did YOU become a family historian or Genealogist? I'd love to collect your stories too...

28 comments:

Thank you Laura for your heartfelt honesty and opening the door to so many people out there who want to voice their family heartbreaks and disappointments, and use genealogy as a means to healing that wound. I strongly believe that researching my family history has given a sense of closure on many unresolved childhood pains. I was blessed with one daughter out of four pregnancies so you can imagine how much my living daughter means to me. Writing blogs and memoirs about our family history is my way of paving the way for her future, as a loved and accepted piece of the family jigsaw. xx

Deb, thank you so very much for sharing. I've always said it's a sad day when I don't learn something new, but there are some lessons I'd rather not have to learn. I can't begin to imagine what you've gone through, but I have no doubt your daughter is one lucky little girl.

IrishEyesJennifer on Google+ linked to an article in the Irish Times that mentioned the German word Zusammengehörigkeitsgefühl, the feeling of belonging together. I wrote her that I felt that way with my local and global genealogy friends. She said we're Zusammengehörigkeitsgefühl-Geneabloggers. ZGBs? Doesn't roll off the tongue easily - but the feeling is so validating.

Thanks for the chuckle, Pam. German is the last language I learned...I took an 8 credit course in order to graduate. We jokingly referred to it as Kamikazee German. I like ZGBs, and I'm happy you've found yours!

Laura, I don't even know how to respond -- you touched me on so many levels with this post. It is true that blogging for many of us has given us an extended family. I'm glad you are part of mine. Can't wait to meet you in Cincinnati.

Laura, thank you for sharing. I'm sorry the 'real' family didn't work out very well. Yes, it is hurtful. Like you, I love my genealogy family! There are folks that I'm closer to in the community. We tease when we tell others that we 'found our tribe!' Welcome to the Tribe, Laura. You fit in nicely!

Leslie, I genuinely appreciate that you include me in your Tribe. I may not be easy, but my intentions are always good. Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and more so for taking the time to comment.

You've hit on many emotions all at once with this post! Your story touched me in many ways. I started researching my family in 2000 when my Mom's twin brother died. She couldn't name all her siblings to call for his funeral, and I knew someone had to step up and write it all down. She's the baby of 16. I was only 22 at the time, and expected to pass this down to my kids someday. Now I'm 34 and five miscarriages later my husband and I have been advised to stop trying to have children by my doctors. I struggle with why to continue my research as my current families do not care about my findings. I hope someday in the future, someone will appreciate all of my hard work and dedication to this wonderful hobby. Thanks for sharing your story.

J. - bless you for sharing your story. I will tell you, truly, that everything happens for a reason, even the dark things. You have many years ahead of you, and the right path will reveal itself to you. I took a long break away from my research...I say it started 16 years ago, but in truth I started some of it back when I was in my early 20s. I completely understand. Coming from such a large family, you never know what you'll uncover, or the wonderful people that you find. If you ever find yourself doubting, I'm just a click away. :-)

Laura, thanks for writing so candidly. I started my family history many years ago at a time when I was divorced, felt lonely and alienated from more than half of my family members - it never occurred to me that there might be a connection... Since then, I am back in touch with those family members who are still living, my research business is growing, I have made lots of genealogy/blogging friends and I have a loving partner. I'll still always be a "last leaf" too, though. As Leslie says, it's like being part of a Tribe :-) Jo {hug}

Jo, I'm so happy that you're finding your bliss. I think there are more 'last leaf'ers out there than we know...I'm guessing we stay out of sight because we don't always feel we fit in. The beauty of genealogy is it doesn't matter who you are, as long as you're human. (A tip of my hat to those who do animal genealogies for breeders.) Thanks for commenting, by the way, I really appreciate it!

Very touching post - family members can be our greatest treasure and our biggest heartache. When one family member destroys something that you hold dear (that sense of family) words cannot describe the pain. One wonders (and may never be able to answer) if they do it out of spite or fear. More importantly it makes us face the fact that the family member married to them did not stand up for his/her blood family. It happens too often and is always sad. You have my sympathy. However, as they say, when one door closes another one opens. You have found a home, a tribe, a family in your genealogy community. Do all those things necessary to share it, nurture it and enjoy it. To all those wondering if anyone else will care in the future my answer is I would love to find those stories, those trees, those blog posts, those photos, and those memories of extended family members at any time and any place. You never know who your stories will touch, or how - so simply share them and know that some time and some place, someone will come along and be thrilled and thank you.

I'm applauding you Tessa!! You're so very right, in all of it. I recognize that at our darkest moments it's virtually impossible to see anything, whether it's someone holding out a hand to help or a brick wall to run into. But, in our electronic age, I fear our descendants, or those who will come after us, won't have the concrete proof of our existence that we did of our ancestors. Perhaps something I post here, or a comment someone makes, will help someone 50 years from now break down a brick wall and tell a story. That, would be cool.

A post that comes from your heart, Laura, will always resonant with others. I got into Genealogy to try to understand why my mother was "like that" (rageholic, nasty to me, very abusive), and to try to see a much larger picture of "my family". My brother and sister were quite alienated from me for many years because they sort of believed that I must have been an awful person for mom to treat me so badly... Luckily, slowly, and carefully, over the past 10 years or so, I've managed to be consistently open, warm, friendly, and let them go at their own pace in having a better relationship with me. Whew. Genealogy allows me to understand family better (and so did the counselling masters degree as well), see the many influences, make positive connections with barely-known cousins, and indulge in my favourite hobby - research!! My friends have become a true family as well, and my 4 kids are both independent and yet loving - I have managed fairly well to help them make their own traditions. Keep posting on what is important to you - you touch us all.

Celia, thank you so much. It seems a consistent theme that many people started their research out of frustration with their own family...who knew! Your family is fortunate that you chose to use your experience in a constructive and generous manner and I understand how it is that you'd be a great mom. Thank you for reading and commenting; I'll do my best to keep writing posts that are interesting.

Laura, you're a hero for revealing so much. I'm 67, never had husb or kids, no sis any more, she d 1990 after long battle with MS. Her kids, my 3 nieces/nephews in their 50s, have 7 adult kids among them. Oldest niece in awful shape. One grandnephew is in prison after years of addiction and lying. His sweet father is exhausted from the struggle. I haven't seen 9 out of ten of them since the 1990s, no money to travel. But I'm the family connection for my own cousins & 2d cousins. My parents were b ca 1900, grandparents b ca 1860-1870 and maybe a baby someday who will be my parents' great-great-grandchild. Being this bridge, documenting the family, is the joy of my life, some cousins interested now, "kids" will be interested later. Thank you so much for inviting us to tell our stories.

Ah, Jill, no hero here. And it's nice to know there's someone else out there with crazy long generations...what's up with THAT?! I think we need to start a Last Leafs (not Leaves) group. Put our collective heads together. Share our stories. Preserve them so when we're gone, they don't go with us. I'm happy you have connections for your research and genuinely appreciate that you shared your story.

Laura, Family is a hard subject for me. I have many that I do not speak with and some I have just reconnected with in the past few years. Sometimes, I feel they are all truly crazy (and not in a good funny way). Researching my family has definitely given me some insight as to why my family is the way it is. All I can do is try to break the cycle of crazy and continue to grow from what I learn.

Blogging and social media has definitely created a new family for me. There are many that I talk with daily, they have become my lifelines. I think that everyone learns from all they do and sometimes we need to step back and remember we need to cultivate all those branches / relationships.

Thanks for sharing your story, Laura, with all its ups and downs. I was moved and touched by your honesty. My family has had its share of problems, too. I'm so glad to know you and count you as part of my "genealogy family." Our friends make our lives so much richer. Hugs to you!

Pages

Search This Blog

Follow by Email

Copyright

The contents and photos herein shall not be used on another site, or reproduced in any manner without the prior written consent of the author and blog owner. You may not use the contents of this site for commercial purposes without explicit permission from the author and blog owner. Commercial purposes includes blogs with ads and income generating features, and/or blogs or sites using feed content as a replacement for original content. Full content usage is not permitted.