Hello, you people. Wade and James handle the serious coverage of this serious WWE pay-per-view. I crack jokes. And frankly, we've all done this long enough that you ought to know how it works by now.

Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd have been pulled from the YouTube match, and have been replaced by the Co-Bros of Ryder & Marella. Adjust your anticipation level accordingly.

You know, one of these days we'll be able to watch the YouTube show on the pay-per-view channel, and life will be great. Scott Stanford and Matt Striker have the call of the preview match.

Cody Rhodes is out due to injury. Dolph Ziggler's team needs a new member. And it is...David Otunga. The other team member don't appear to be impressed. It's a nice visual to have the team circled around Dolph, to make it clear Ziggler is the smallest man on his team.

I hope to hell Matt Striker is growing that mustache to promote male cancer awareness, and not because he thinks it looks good.

Let's all watch the video package for Big Show vs. Sheamus. Because I'm sure we won't see it again during the actual pay-per-view.

We're getting set for Co-Bros vs. 3MB. Remember, you can follow all the Survivor Series action on Twitter by using the hashtag #GetWellCody.

Drew McIntyre is back in the country to be at ringside for Slater & Mahal. Striker tells us that fans are still filing in, after having several beers to get over that shellacking the Colts took this afternoon.

Matt Striker busts out a Leo Sayer reference. I'd tell you to ask Bruce Mitchell who Leo Sayer is, but Bruce is in a mood this weekend. Use Wikipedia.

Five minutes into the opener. The only thing that's been established is that Lawler flew first class to Survivor Series, while Cole rode coach.

Brodus tries to pick up Tensai and drops him on his face. Welcome to Botchvember. Tensai pins Clay. Gabriel pins Tensai.

Tune in later tonight when JBL has to apologize for what he just said about Carlos Colon. JBL goes on to make a Paula Broadwell reference, and Cole and Lawler have to pretend they know what he's talking about.

In fact, just hold off the apologies and keep track of all the legends JBL takes shots tonight. Then have him apologize to all of them on Smackdown. Saves time.

Mysterio, Sin Cara, Tyson & Justin win four straight falls and the match. Kidd even got one of the Colons to tap out to the Sharpshooter. Wow.

Somebody stuck a K-Mart commercial in my pay-per-view.

Kaitlyn is attacked backstage before her match. But this time, Kaitlyn fights off her attacker, removes the hood, and reveals the attacker to be...Aksana! Wow. Great payoff. #sarcasm

It's Eve vs. Kaitlyn for the Divas title. And it's taking forever, by diva match standards. The announcers are searching desperately for something else to talk about. And Eve wins.

We're backstage for the second elimination match. Mick Foley's here for the potluck supper. Or to be in the corner for Randy Orton's team. One or the other.

Your next match is Antonio Cesaro defending the United States title against R-Truth. Cesaro takes the mic and makes fun of America's obesity rate. I wouldn't do that, Cesaro. There's a lot more of us than there are of you. You might get sat on.

In the first hour, JBL has made fun of Carlos Colon, Bret Hart and the Los Angeles Clippers. And Michael Cole, but that doesn't really count.

Cesaro wins with the Neutralizer. David Otunga wants to represent WWE wrestlers suffering from post-concussion syndrome or something like that.

Michael Cole tells us that The Rock is Tweeting tonight. Cole doesn't tell us that Rock is tweeting about the Steelers game.

A.J. Lee comes out to turn the tables on Vickie Guerrero. She has pictures showing Vickie Guerrero having a business dinner with Ricardo Rodriguez. And another photoshopped picture of Vickie eating barbecue with Jim Ross. And a picture of Vickie in Brodus Clay's hotel room.

At least that last one was funny.

Vickie can't beat A.J. up for this. But Tamina Snuka can, and she does. Superfly splash and A.J. is out. This IS going to lead to a match. Just not a very good one.

Josh interviews Paul Heyman. Paul doesn't even bother taking this promo out of second gear. Up next, Big Show vs. Sheamus. We're now beginning the portion of the show the fans paid money to see.

It's Big Show vs. Sheamus. Show dominates the opening minutes. The announcers point out that Big Show is the largest athlete in the world. You know, now that Shaquille O'Neal's retired.

The match ends with Show pulling referee Scott Armstrong into the way of a Brogue kick. Sheamus checks on the fallen ref and Show knocks him out. All the refs who came to ringside to help Armstrong argue with each other, and then decide to disqualify Show.

Sheamus snaps and gives Show multiple chairshots to the body. John Layfield (correctly) points out that there are five refs out to check on Scott Armstrong, but no refs to stop Sheamus from working Show over with a chair after the match. Maybe Ed Hochuli can officiate the rubber match next month at TLC.

JBL has never seen Big Show beg off like that. Except for every other time Show's been a heel for the past seventeen years.

Time for Team Orton vs. Team Ziggler. JBL gets off the line of the night when he calls the JBL Cabinet "the antithesis of the Four Horsemen." Then he follows up by comparing David Otunga to President Obama. They can't all be winners.

Throw Mick Foley on the list of people JBL will have to apologize to later. I think he just compared Wade Barrett to Harvey Korman. Yes, you should know who Harvey Korman is without having to ask Bruce Mitchell.

Bryan eliminates Otunga. Barrett eliminates Kofi. Three on three.

The Miz enters the match for the first time. The crowd goes dead silent, except for one teenage girl who screams like she just saw Robert Pattinson walk down the aisle.

Miz eliminates Barrett. Orton & Miz vs. Del Rio & Ziggler. JBL reminds us we have four former World Champions left in this match. Congratulations, Mr. Layfield, you've identified the problem.

Ricardo tries to interfere, but Foley puts him down with Mr. Socko. JBL compares Ricardo to Pavarotti, except Pavarotti's dead. Del Rio and Dolph have a miscommunication and Orton pins Del Rio.

Orton's going for the kill, but Dolph hits a superkick and pins Orton. Well, I did NOT see that coming.

Punk vs. Cena vs. Ryback is your main event. What's the best way to preview this match? I know! Let's show Touts from the WWE fans!

Ring introductions. JBL points out that Cena is 7-0 at Survivor Series. It's an irrelevant fact, but I'm really glad that's part of the storyline.

Ryback comes out to the ring looking like Goldberg, and gets a pop like Yoshi Tatsu. Oh, who am I kidding? Yoshi usually gets a bigger crowd reaction than that.

It takes a while, but the crowd starts getting into Ryback. Punk helps with this a lot. We get a great visual of Cena locking the STF on Ryback and Punk hitting the Macho elbow on Cena for the save.

Punk and Cena finally get tired of being beaten up and work together to put Ryback through the announce table. That's...interesting.

The two men kick out of each other's finishers. I'd laugh if they stopped the match now due to the curfew bell. Oh, wait, they already did that finish in September.

Ryback hits the Heidenreich drop on both opponents, and then gets waylaid by three guys in black outfits coming out of the crowd. Cole recognizes them from NXT. Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns. Oh, no. It's the (bleep)ing Nexus again.

Of course, Punk pins Cena. And we're done here. The last three matches saved the show. Now join James and Greg on BlogTalkRadio for the postgame show, and VIP members will hear from me on the VIP roundtable, up later tonight.

He hosted the weekly Pro Wrestling Focus radio show on KFAN in the early 1990s and hosted the Ultimate Insiders DVD series distributed in retail stories internationally in the mid-2000s including interviews filmed in Los Angeles with Vince Russo & Ed Ferrara and Matt & Jeff Hardy. He currently hosts the most listened to pro wrestling audio show in the world, (the PWTorch Livecast, top ranked in iTunes)

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