Movie notes: Peering into “Crystal Skull”

OK, “Indiana Jones and the Really Long-Ass Title” (sorry, “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”) is officially in multiplexes as of 12:01 this morning (my daughter was one of the first in line). Express-News film critic Larry Ratliff had his say yesterday in S.A. Life.; Roger Ebert will weigh in tomorrow in Weekender (his review has actually been online since Monday). So I guess it’s OK for a noncritic like me to take a whack at it.

Here goes. Wish me luck:

Remember when the first “Star Trek” movie came out in 1979? The primary appeal (as it turned out, anyway; the movie was pretty boring) was seeing old friends you hadn’t seen since the TV show was canceled a decade earlier. It was like, “Hey, there’s Kirk, still as pompous as ever. Look, there’s McCoy. And Scotty. And Uhura. Wonder when Spock will show up?”

Though “Crystal Skull” is a better movie, its main appeal is as an Indiana Jones reunion. “Look, there’s the fedora!” (which actually appears before Harrison Ford). “There’s the whip. Wow, they’re in another warehouse stuffed with boxes. Is that what I think it is in that box they broke open? Hey, that’s Sean Connery’s picture on Indy’s desk. Look, it’s Karen Allen. Wow, a snake gag! Imagine that! And the red line on the map tracing Indy’s travels; boy, I missed that.”

Though the movie is, to paraphrase Barack Obama, certainly likable enough, I’m more in line with Larry’s 2 1/2-jalapeño take on it than Roger’s 3 1/2-star tout. Interestingly, both cited the movie’s familiarity, but Larry thought it was more of a drawback, while Roger saw it as the film’s chief asset. He wrote, ” ‘Same old same old,’ Indy says, but that’s why I liked it.”

I admit, there are worse ways to kill two hours. “Crystal Skull” has more going for it that nostalgia. Despite Ford’s advanced age (65), he’s still a credible action hero, although he survives calamities that require far more than suspension of disbelief. Any guy (much less someone his age) who can survive multiple beatdowns, plunges over three waterfalls and a nuclear blast (inside a lead-lined fridge) might as well be wearing a cape or an iron suit.

But the action sequences, while a bit too far apart, are still a hoot. The chase through the jungle on side-by-side vehicles suggests that co-star Shia LaBeouf must have been selected as much for his, uh, testicular fortitude as acting ability. The killer ants pop up out of nowhere, but they’re as unstoppable as the ones in “Leiningen Versus the Ants,” a short story I remember from high school English. And, of course, it wouldn’t be an Indy movie without quality death, which the skulls provide as well as the ants.

Stil, it’s never a good sign when you’re cataloging the other movies “Crystal Skull” reminds you of while it’s still going on. A couple of long scenes (the opening road sequence featuring a vintage hot rod and a military convoy; and a rumble in a diner) made me wonder if Ford thought he was back on the set of “American Graffiti.” At times, the whole alien/Area 51 theme smacked of the “X-Files” sequel, and the way previously invisible natives seemed to crawl out of the walls to attack Ford and LaBeouf was straight out of the “Aliens” playbook. Other times, I thought I was watching a cross between “King Kong” and “The Jungle Book.”

Lots of critics have pointed out similarities between LaBeouf’s duck-tailed motorcycle rider and Marlon Brando in “The Wild One.” And the motorcycle chase through a college library didn’t exactly sit well with the librarian in my house. Not because of the breach of the sacred code of ssshhhh, but because of Ford’s admonishing a student, “You want to be a good archaeologist, you gotta get out of the library.”

Side note  for an archaeologist, Indiana Jones sure seems to do an inordinate amount of damage to the places and objects he’s supposed to love. I always thought archaeology involved a lot of careful digging and brushing.

Also, there were points when I became acutely aware of the screenplay, which isn’t good, either. I expect Larry and Roger to notice these things, but when rank amateurs like me get a sense that the actors are reciting dialogue instead of having a normal conversation, that’s not good, either. And every movie should have a Swiss-army-knife character like Professor Oxley (John Hurt), who comes across as a blithering idiot  except when he’s needed to explain a key plot point. Since there’s a whole lotta ‘splainin’ goin’ on, he turns out to be a handy guy.

And is it just me, or does the snake gag look like someone had this sudden, panicky thought in the middle of filming  “Damn! We forgot to do a snake gag! Where can we put it?”

Of course, you can’t be too critical of a film that makes time for funny monkeys and cute prairie dogs.