When Carol first called me for coaching, she had a long list of complaints about her husband, who I’ll call Don. Even though they’d only been married a few years, she was not happy with him. And of course, he felt the sting of her disappointment. Yet really, Carol was just committing one of many common communication mistakes.

The problem, as I saw it, was not her feelings, it was how she dealt with them – by complaining to her husband regularly. As a result, he became so used to hearing her upsets that he started ignoring them and telling her that he didn’t think he could ever make her happy.

Making Disastrous Communication Mistakes Better:

I asked Carol to list her complaints in the order of upset they caused her. She made the list happily. I then started to work with her on complaint #5. (I didn’t want to start with the most upsetting) and asked her to write why this bothered her.

Her 5th complaint was that her husband didn’t do the things she asked him to do.

Generalized complaints are disastrous to communications. So I asked her to get specific. What specific thing was he not doing?

She replied quickly. “He hasn’t fixed the leaky tap.”

Now that I had a specific, I asked her to write down why it was important to her.

“Because it’s something he should do,” she replied.

I winced. To me, ‘shoulding’ ourselves or others is just not helpful.

So, I asked her to rephrase that, but only using the pronoun “I” and to describe how she would feel if the tap got fixed.

“I would be able to relax,” she said. “And I would feel like my needs matter.”

Great. We were making progress. She was being specific about the issue, she was describing why it mattered, so it was now time to prompt her into asking her husband for what she wanted him to do, rather than voicing her upset about him not doing things. I can’t say how important this step is and what a game changer it can be.

She wasn’t sure about this.

“But what if he continues to ignore me?” she said.

I suggested she make a request for a specific date to test it out. And to add an alternative action if he didn’t want to do what she asked.

Here’s what Carol ended up emailing her husband. (Many men are very visual and email works well for this.)

“Would you fix the tap in the basement this week? It would feel so good to me to have it done. I would feel so considered by you if you did it. If you can’t or don’t want to do it, can we say by the end of the weekend, would it be okay with you if I called someone else to do the work?”

Carol sent it off and didn’t hear from Don about it, but later that day heard some sounds in the basement and sure enough, Don was fixing the tap.

I’ll start working on the other things in her list once she’s recovered from shock.

An Excellent Communication Skill Set:

If you want to spruce up your communication skills, follow these guidelines:

!) Talk only about ‘specific’ situations.

2) Talk about what you want, not what you don’t want.

3) Provide information about how it would feel to you to get what you want.

4) Suggest a completion date.

5) Suggest an alternative.

Learning How to Communicate More Effectively:

If I can help you make your communication more effective, let me know. Call me for a chat.

I knew something was wrong the moment my dog began barking. He seldom barks and the sound of it was full of primal alarm. The last time I heard it was when our neighbour’s house went up in flames two years ago.

With fearful thoughts, I left my desk and looked out the window. And there he was. A bear. Not 30 feet away, meandering around our cottage property.

He didn’t stick around for long, but all day, I kept looking for him, eyeing the bushes, wondering if he was going to come back.

Then I realized what I was doing: scanning for the worst. My fearful thoughts were using up energy I could have using to get on with my day. So, I talked compassionately to the part of me that was anxious, promised to keep an eye out and did a process called ‘Scanning for the Good’.

This is a process Rick Hanson talks about in his various books on brain function. As he teaches, the brain acts like Velcro with negative stuff and Teflon when it comes to the positive (we can have a great day, but if one hard thing happens, that’s what we remember). This practice turns this orientation on its head. Here’s how you do it:

1) Notice when you are waiting for or anticipating something negative to happen, or are having fearful thoughts. 2) Remind yourself that this is just your mind trying to get a sense of control.
3) Decide to set the thoughts aside.
4) Beginning with your senses, notice what’s good around you –the colours, aromas, sounds, sensations (for example the feel of the breeze on your skin)
5) Pay attention to the processes you normally take for granted, the breath that you are taking, the way your heart is beating, the way your body is digesting its food and handling your health. As Tich Nhat Hahn says, “noticing that you don’t have a toothache”.
6) Continue scanning for what is working in your life – what body parts/systems ARE working well, what ARE you able to afford, what relationships DO feel good.
7) If other thoughts come in, and they probably will, just set them aside for now.
8) Once you have a list of good things, take a few of them and really FEEL them, really let yourself experience the wonders. Do this until your body responds with a wash of good feelings.

I felt very different once I’d done the scan. I had no more fearful thoughts and was able to move on with my day. The bear did not come back. But even if he had, it would have been okay. Bears wander around in cottage country all the time. I can’t stop them from doing that. But what I can stop them from doing is wandering around in my mind and taking over my thoughts.

Use this practise and you’ll be able to do this too. Let me know how it works. I’d love to hear.

Being Happy Anyway

You know me, I’m always trying to help you lead a happier, more conscious life and I’ve come across an author that I think you’ll like – Michael Singer. I’ve just finished one of his books titled The Untethered Soul and I liked it so much that I’m now reading it for a second time. It feels like an important book for me.

The Constant Chatter in our Minds

Essentially, the book is about becoming more aware of the constant chatter that goes on in our minds and how that chatter keeps us trapped in endless circles of mental thinking and prevents us from being peaceful and at ease deep inside.

Our Thoughts are Often Not Helpful

Michael puts forward a very compelling argument for not giving many of these thoughts (especially the stressful ones) much attention. Michael argues that the mind is very limited in what it can solve and suggests instead, that we put our trust in Life itself to show us the way. To him, Life is a far more trustworthy mentor.

The First Step in Modulating Your MInd

The first step, of course, is to notice what our “inner roommate” is saying and how this part of us has an opinion on everything. Once we begin to notice the constant conversation, you might be tempted to try and stop the chatter, but as you’ve probably experienced, this doesn’t work.

What does work is to simply let the thoughts continue, but not give them any credence. Hear them, but don’t get into them, don’t analyse them or believe them. Understand that thoughts are just what the mind produces and our job is to get under them and simply be peaceful anyway.

Stop Trying to Figure Things Out

I’ve always been someone who’s tried to figure things out. Sometimes my mind has ached with the effort I have made to try and solve something by thinking it through. I often feel my ‘state’ getting cranked up as I do. Now, I’m catching thoughts much earlier and as soon as I do, I let them go. As Michael says, the earlier you catch one, the easier it is to let it go. As we all know, the further we go down into the rabbit hole, the more effort it’s going to take to get out.

As a result, I’m feeling calmer at a deeper level. I notice that if I’m at only a 2 out of 10 stress level, there’s way more room to take a little stress hit than it is if I’m already at 8 out of 10!

Happiness in Not Related to What’s Going on ‘Out there’.

Like most people, I’ve often found my happiness related to things ‘out there’. But when I take full responsibility for myself, and let go of my stressful thoughts, I find I can be happy anyway. It’s powerful to know that my happiness can depend on ME, not on circumstances.

This book offers a map to free yourself from the habitual thoughts, emotions, and energy patterns that limit your consciousness. It’s goal is to offer you access to the freedom of your innermost being. Give it a try.

I’m so enamoured with the book that I want to offer one as a gift. Would you like to read the book? If so, please forward this newsletter to someone with your recommendation. “Thought you might be interested in this” is good enough. Copy me on the email. You will receive one ballot for every single person you send it to so if you send it to 10 people, you get 10 ballots, etc.

The book, The Untethered Soul will be sent to your door from Amazon if you are chosen as the winner.

I will send one email to all the people that were sent the newsletter recommendation and ask them if they want to subscribe. If they don’t contact me, no other emails will go to them. Promise.

Here are some tips to help you talk to your partner in clean and clear ways.

Be specific. What you mean by a general statement like ‘being considerate’ may be entirely different than someone else, but no one can argue with a specific request like, “Could you clear the table and do the dishes every night without me asking?” That’s a lot clearer than, “Could you help with clean up?”

Ask for what you want. Even though we are usually more aware of what we don’t want, it’s better to only talk about what we do want. So, instead of saying, “I don’t want you to yell,” you can say, “Will you talk to me in a quiet, calm voice?”

Stay in the Present. Leave the past behind. Even if your partner has not asked your opinion about something important on the last 5 occasions, still don’t mention it. “Would you like to hear my perspective now?” is an arrow pointing at the bull’s eye of now.

Ask for clarity. Don’t be afraid to ask for details. They can make all the difference.

Expect differences. The problem isn’t the number of conflicts or severity of them, it’s how respectful we are in honouring them. Most of the difficulties that occur around differences occurs because one person is trying to convince the other to see things their way or to do it their way. But why should they? Practice respect.

Avoid ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Really, there is no right or wrong, only one person’s perspective versus another person’s perspective. Using phrases like, “From my point of view,” will help you remember that.

Recognize triggers from the past. We all have preferences, but if you find yourself having a great deal of intensity about something, it’s probably a trigger from some unresolved situation in the past. Talk with someone about it and tease apart the preferences you might have in the present from the intensity of the past. Once you do this, you’ll be able to negotiate much more cleanly.

Give these techniques a try and notice how much healthier your interactions with your partner become.

Or, if you want more ideas about how to connect in clean and clear ways with your partner, contact me for a complimentary coaching session. Karen@personalbest.org

Meanwhile, please visit me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/personalbestlifecoaching where you’ll find a ton of tips, videos and audio’s to help you be YOUR best self!

Have you ever noticed how much energy it takes not to feel fear? Fear is an emotion many of us resist because we simply don’t know how to let ourselves have it. And of all the emotions, it’s perhaps the most uncomfortable to experience.

The truth is, most of us are frightened of feeling fear. We have been taught that’s it a sign of weakness and don’t want to feel it or acknowledge it. You hear people say, “I’m sad right now.” Or, “I’m pissed off.” But when was the last time you heard someone say, “I’m frightened”? That’s because fear is the most avoided of all the emotions.

The problem is that in order not to feel afraid, you have to live a small life. You have to avoid a lot of situations and people that might provoke a fear reaction. That means that fear is controlling us and what we do. And it will control us until we own up to it and invite it into awareness.

I recently learned that someone I know has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour. They now face major surgery, then chemotherapy and radiation. That person’s life as he knows it is over.

I felt my own fear at hearing this news. Life can be so sudden, so brutal, and scary. I noticed myself wanting to push away the feelings, but I resisted and did some Inner Relationship Focussing to help me stay present. I use this process often on a variety of different issues and find it really helpful when I need to work with something I want to push away, whether it’s fear of anything else.

Here are the steps in case you want to allow something in yourself just to be there.

Sit down beside it and acknowledge that its there.

See it as just a PART of you. Be bigger than it no matter how intense or large it is.