Being Kind Doesn’t Make Me Stupid

I’ve been thinking a lot about the online world lately. Well, I mean, about the big picture stuff. In various and sundry places, I’ve let little tidbits of these thoughts pop out. I’ve talked about how you shouldn’t sell your soul just because you want to get in with the “in” crowd. I’ve talked about how being mean in the online world just makes you look, well, mean. I’ve talked about how being nice is often equated to being boring. But really, there is one key issue that is at the core of all of those posts.

I think people assume that a kind person is a stupid person.

I am not really sure why that is. Is it because the world is so cruel it’s hard to imagine anyone would want to waste their time being nice? Is it because some folks think the meaner you are the cooler you are? I don’t know. I don’t get it, but I feel it. I feel the condescending attitude some people use when they talk to me online or offline. I feel it when people fail to beat around the bush and flat-out insinuate that I’m an idiot for being nice to people. I think some people even think I’m easy to manipulate or a real push-over.

Being kind doesn’t make me stupid.

A little story

A lot of people have told me that they want to get to know me a little better. They note that I don’t tend to talk about myself very much – a rather unusual characteristic to offer in the online world, I suppose. Well, let me offer you some insight into why I prefer to err on the side of kindness. It’s just one story of many.

A few years ago, I went out to dinner with a person who tended to really bust my chops. We had good times, and I came to realize a lot of the harsh criticisms they gave were out of concern and worry. However, we mixed approximately as well as oil and water. This dinner was no different, and I just wasn’t in the mood for it, so I got up and left. I was angry. I was fed up. I just didn’t feel like being raked over the coals, and I figured at some point we’d get together and make up for it.

As it turned out, that was the last time I ever saw that person. They died about a month later rather unexpectedly. I had not heard their voice since that dinner, nor had I gotten a chance to smooth things over.

How often do I wish I had stuck around and been a little more patient? Almost every day. Do I ever want to make that kind of mistake again? Heck no. It’s not worth it. It’s just not.

But that doesn’t mean I’m stupid

My desire to leave as few bridges burned as possible does not reflect upon my intellect. It does not mean that if you walk up to me and say you need $100,000 I’ll smilingly write you a check with no questions asked. It doesn’t mean that I am completely unaware of when I am being picked on, made fun of, offended, or otherwise treated shabbily. I just have better things to do in life than to get all frothy about it.

The glorification of jerks

In the online world, the jerkier you are, the more credit you get. If you pepper your posts with cuss words, call people out, and are generally unpleasant, people seem to want to get all the closer to you. It’s a real paradox. And I think it can make being mean or jerky kind of tempting. Who wouldn’t want to be feared and revered, right? And after all, those kind folks, they’re so “safe” and boring. *yawn*

Well, if that is what it takes to make it big in the online world, I shall be doomed to mediocrity. But from my safe perch, I would say this. One day, you will say something that you regret soon after. You will assume that you have all of the time in the world to make it right, say you were kidding, apologize, or otherwise even out the situation. But something will happen that will steal that option from you. Are you prepared to live with that as a trade for online respect?

I am sorry for the loss and having that unresolved issue. That is tough – you could not have known and losing someone really is the hard way to learn that lesson. I lost a friend a few years ago and I did say all my things before and he left me a with a ton of wisdom that I think about all the time. I feel really blessed by that – but it doesn’t bring him back.

Anyway – totally agree with you . Be who you are and that it NICE! I can’t figure out why it is so shocking to people that you could just be nice. Or happy. Everyone should try it.

@PegFitzpatrick Thanks Peggy. Yeah, it is a hard load to carry, and it’s frustrating because so many times I hung in there with that person and tried to end it on a good note. You just never know, do ya?

“It doesn’t mean that I am completely unaware of when I am being picked on, made fun of, offended, or otherwise treated shabbily. I just have better things to do in life than to get all frothy about it.”

True wisdom right there. I could not agree with you more, Margie.

“In the online world, the jerkier you are, the more credit you get. If you pepper your posts with cuss words, call people out, and are generally unpleasant, people seem to want to get all the closer to you. It’s a real paradox.”

For some reason, the current societal climate lends itself to the loud and beligerant. Whoever is loudest and most aggressive, regardless of if what they’re saying is correct, get’s heard and gets backed. I don’t get it either, but it’s definitely not a good thing.

@JMattHicks Thanks so much, sir. I think you’re right – it’s a question of who can shout the loudest, even if what they’re saying makes no sense. Kind of drives us soft-spoken but succinct people batty 🙂

@margieclayman Word, word. But every once in awhile I’ll have an outburst…not a belligerent one, but more of a controlled reaction to when I’ve reached my limit and it voice it, similar to as you’ve done. It’s good for the soul 🙂

We certainly have our share of certified jerks on the social web, just like there are many famous jerks in politics, sports and Hollywood. So there is really nothing new there!

But I don;t believe that the jerkier you are the more credit you get. I think there are plenty of nice people getting attention on the web and I think in the end, those are the ones who will win out. Here’s why. If an athlete is a jerk we may still love his team. If an actress is a jerk, we may still love her movies. But if a blogger is a jerk, eventually people will move on : )

I recently saw you described as an A-Lister yourself, so fame may be coming your way whether you are ready for it or not : )

Nope. I think many people who are unkind put on that front to not let people in or close. It’s not easy to approach a person that is scowling. However, a smile or soft face is an invitation to approach. And I think that most people approach a kind person just because of that: they are kind. But since nobody approaches a hard, angry face, the kind ones are those that also get the parasitic or aggressive.

Being kind and giving yourself to another person or situation is an incredible act. An act of strength.

Really love this post. And please don’t ever change who you are. I think we need more people like you. In the blogging world, I’ve often struggled with the fact that I don’t enjoy writing particularly caustic, controversial, or contrarian posts. I’m direct, maybe even a little flippant sometimes, but I don’t believe in tearing something down that you won’t try to improve, and I don’t cotton to tearing down people over ideas any day. I’ve wrestled with the feeling – and the criticism – that it makes me a “sheep”, a conformist, a sycophant, and one of the social media purists/unicorns/whatever the hells. But it just doesn’t sit well with me.

Your post was articulate and human, and I really appreciated it. I needed to read it today, and I think a lot of other people probably did too. I think you’re a hell of a contributor to this space, Margie, and I think you’ve got more integrity in your pinky finger than many will ever have, period. I appreciate you. Please keep doing as you do.

Yes, I’ve been called all of those things too. Reckon our flock of sycophantic sheep is rather awesome though.

I wonder if it’s easier for people to accuse women who are kind of being sheep. You don’t see that accusation hurled against men as much, but women seem to either be “witches” or sheep in the online world. I’d really like to find something in between. Like a Weep, perhaps.

So glad the post resonated with you. To have someone I respect so much dig a post of mine is always a smile-creating event 🙂

Well said, Margie. People mistake brashness for sincerity — “calling it like it is”. Being real. But I agree many do it just to be provocative with a populist agenda. The community of people you gather around you who respect you are a sure sign that you’re doing something right. Don’t change a thing.

I have to say I often think long and hard before I comment, write a post, update Facebook or even tweet something. It is not just my life that I need to think about, but my business partners’, our contractors’, our clients’, my family members’. Whenever I write something I want any one of these individuals to be proud to know me. You are right, it doesn’t make us stupid, but considerate, humane.

People’s entire careers and companies have imploded because of email records. So why aren’t we more careful about the content of our emails, blogs, comments, tweets? Who the heck knows, but here is rule I try to follow. Years ago I reported directly to the president of a bank, Willard (Bill) Bromage. Our means of communicating with peers, subordinates and superiors was to write a memo. One day I handed him a copy of a memo I proposed to send to the struggling IT department. He read the memo and advised: “Save this document for three days. Keep it here on your desk. In three days re-read your document. If, at that time, you still feel committed to your written word, then by all means mail it.”

I still use Bill’s 3 day rule. It has saved me a lot of heartache and headache.

@JudyHelfand That’s a great methodology, Judy. The “sleep on it” rule is almost always a great one to follow, though sometimes hard to adhere to. In the online world, it’s so easy, as I was saying to Dawn, to step away, whereas in a face-to-face conversation it can be a lot harder to disengage. If I am getting really frustrated with a person online, I can mouse over their face and say mean things to them offline and then tweet “howdy” when I’ve settled down 🙂 Not that I do that, mind you. But I *could*.

I totally relate to this. I am very slow to burn bridges too. It does not make either of us weak or stupid. I also prefer to leave things on a high note whenever possible.

Disagreement whether online or IRL can be handled in a calm manner. I recall a blog post by someone popular where i disagreed. The ensuing comments were so nasty to me. Will I be back? I am not sure. I did blog about it though, and the blogger in question has not come to comment.

I think about what i want to say now instead of just saying it. Just yesterday, a former boyfriend posted a very nasty message on my Facebook wall. My first impulse was to tear into him. I deleted the post instead. Today he sent me a Skype apologizing. I am planning on sending him a message that asks him politely not to contact me any more.

Just because I am kind does not mean I am weak or stupid. You are one of the strongest and smartest women i know, and I am proud to be your friend.

As a footnote, I have to tell you that I experienced something similar on a blog I visited. I was accused of all sorts of things, including not having a brain of my own. Now that person and I get along famously. Sometimes people just are having bad days.

Cliche: We can’t control other people, we can only control our reaction to them.

Cartoon: The angel on one shoulder, the devil on the other.

I was recently at a Board Meeting where one board member proceeded to dump on every other participant including me. Utilizing interruption, condescension, a loud voice and other blood pressure boosts – he went after everyone at the table. The cherry on the cake was then lecturing another member that honey attracted more positive results than vinegar.

The angel on my shoulder urged calm. The devil on my shoulder urged me to put him in his place. In this instance the angel won. But I headed home wound tight and replaying all the stinging things I could have said.

The devil bludgeoned me with his pitchfork for several days for not speaking up. But as the days went by and the emotion melted away, I was glad that I had refrained.

What appears in our cross hairs is the antagonist. What doesn’t appear (at least to me) is everyone else looking on.

It’s those looking on that matter more to me. And I am forever and always thankful to the angel on my shoulder reminding me of them.

@DWesterberg That is a beautiful comment, Dawn. And in fact, I think it’s a post in the wings 🙂

Yes, in the online world I am always cognizant that everything I say is visible to everyone I know and most people I don’t know. Every comment I write using LiveFyre or Disqus is visible to anyone who goes to those profiles of mine. Everything I say on Facebook is visible. Everything on Twitter. Etc ad infinitum.

The online world gives us a huge advantage over situations like that board meeting of yours. We can walk away from the computer and the person bugging us simply disappears. Boom! You can walk away and look at the birdies at the bird feeder. In real life, if you start chirping at birds in the middle of an argument people will think you’re the one who has gone cuckoo 🙂

I try to take that pregnant pause and do my best to imagine how my words would look to anyone else reading them, especially someone who doesn’t know me. It seems to be a pretty okay guide.

I identify with this line of thinking so much. I resist sharing a lot of the prickly feelings I have because, at the end of the day, I really don’t like hurting people. This extends to people with whom I disagree. Hurting others hurts and makes me feel like less of the person I want to be.

Mind you, this doesn’t mean I’m saintly. I fail regularly, or I let out a pinch of snark when I’m feeling a cupful of it in my head.

*hugs*

One term gets used once in this post and then passed by: boring. I thought that was an interesting and slightly different facet to the topic. If you ever felt like it, I’d love to see a whole post about the kindness or niceness = boring false connection or about mediation and boredom. No pressure though. : )

@meredith.leigh.collins it is terribly difficult to be saintly in this world. Especially when driving. I mean, driving 35 miles on the interstate? Really? But I digress 🙂

I think that people view kindness as sort of “vanilla.” Like you’re really cowardly because you aren’t pushing buttons, making people mad at you, etc. There’s this big theory in the online world that you’ve only made it once you have “haters.” I think really what people mean by this is that eventually your community grows and grows comfortable enough around you that they can start disagreeing with you.

I often get critiqued because I cover social media basics, as an example. Well there are new people who need help. So I write for them sometimes. Is that a cop-out? I don’t think so. That would be like telling a teacher he or she was boring because they keep teaching the basics of American history every year. Kind of silly, non?

Margie, I can’t imagine how you must have felt learning about your dinner-mate’s untimely death. But please remember that the other person also had the opportunity to reach out to you and let you know they never meant to upset you.

I’ve seen many A+ marketers derided and looked over for jobs because they were too nice. It’s unfortunate. “Telling it like it is” is a cop out to justify being mean. Honesty is important, but being constructive about criticism is much more important than being beaten over the head because I didn’t do something the way another person would do it.

Civility has given way to the anonymity of the online space. Yes, people are still identifying themselves but it’s as if they feel like they’re Superman and no one really knows they’re Clark Kent. But instead of making the world a better place, they’re more like the masked villains.

Being a jerk doesn’t make someone important, it makes them self-important. And these ‘big names’ are only big because they swim in a small pond. In the big blue marble of a world, they’re as significant as we are. Big-named blogger may not know who you are but I do. And I think you’re a rock star!

I also think it’s OK to be nice, to follow the rules and to think outside the box and try new things. None of these things, though, require me to be rude, condescending, profane or self-aggrandizing.

Sometimes being honest will hurt feelings. That’s just reality. But you don’t have to set out to hurt someone just for the sake of street-cred.

@saving4someday Great point, Sara. I often thinking about Elvis Costello’s Deep Dark Truthful Mirror. Sometimes you have to tell people things they don’t want to hear because, well, they need to hear it. Even if it doesn’t stick that first time, it’s good to get it rolling around in their heads. But to just toss out insults with no foundation? Nah, don’t really get that. Not a fan, in fact.

Ok, how about $50,000? I will answer your question after you answer mine…..

I can give and take with the best of them…..but jokingly; I don’t do jerks or snarkiness. Am I a nice guy; absolutely but I don’t plan on finishing last. Maybe I make up for being boring by trying to be silly, but I’m not going to change my persona trying to attract a different or larger audience. There is one thing I can do really good and that is be myself so I probably should stick with that.

There are some edgy and colorful bloggers I follow, but I don’t consider them jerks or do they treat others badly. They will say what’s on their mind which might not always be politically correct, but they aren’t trashing anybody.

I would like to think we have similar demeanor’s but you got all the creativity and talent so I’m ok just hanging around you. I’m smart like that, I make myself smarter by the people I hang with………..well, most of the time; my wife thinks I hang around with some knuckleheads, but that’s so I can be the smart guy sometimes……….:).

I’ve been complaining about the lack of civilized and polite discourse for a long time and simply do not understand those who attack under the guise of being contrarian or what have you. Thank you so much for putting a human touch on this.

Great post Margie. People do forget it take more calm, maturity and restraint to be KIND than to be nasty or snarky. Not that I don’t have snarky moments. We all do. I allowed myself to get into a pissing contest on a colleague/friend’s Facebook page and I felt like a 6th grader after the fact. So nobody’s perfect.

I think sometimes people try to buddy up to the online buttholes for the same reason nice guys get dismayed over how “chicks dig jerks” — can’t explain it, but it happens. Maybe it’s something about the challenge. I dunno. In any event, I’ve been a lot more mindful of what I write in cyberspace lately partly because I have a reputation to preserve and honestly, partly because like you, I don’t want my mind occupied with trivial matters that a high school girl would be concerned with. Again, great post!

@MonicaRicci Sure! In the end, we’re primates. Sometimes we have to fling poo at each other. We’re hard-wired to do it. But it’s so easy NOT to in the online world. You can do whatever you want offline to get your frustration out and then come back and be together and calm. It may be un-edgy or unexciting, but it also prevents you from looking like a silly person 🙂

Sometimes bridges need to be burned for our own inner peace. We don’t have to be friends with everyone or take crap from anyone for whatever reason. And I sure as heck ain’t gonna kick myself for not knowing the future after said bridge is burned. And in my life, it’s been the “nice people” that usually disappoint me the most. It just ain’t natural to be nice all the time (I get suspicious!) while the “jerks” usually say what a lot of us wish we could say but we’re too busy trying to be nice to everyone. That’s why people are drawn to them.I’ve found the friendship of many to be so overrated. Life is like editing a film/video, trim all the fat and keep only what’s vital. It has made me a better son, brother, friend, father, and husband to those that really matter.

@danperezfilms Great stuff Dan. To point out — I do agree with you. False niceness and a candy-coated demeanor are equally unattractive as mean and snarky. My goal is to be as outspoken as possible while remaining polite & civil. And when I can’t, I do try to hold my tongue. (Or post on my anonymous Twitter account…) 😉

@danperezfilms Sure. Obviously you don’t want to be kind to the point of stupidity. I have also cut some people out of my life who were toxic. There are some people who are just like leeches, there for the meaty stuff, gone when times are lean. Being nice to those people just makes them bigger and bigger on the outside while doing nothing for their soul.

But, hedging towards niceness is not a dumb way to go. And distinguishing between the fakes and the genuine ones is an acquired skill.

@danperezfilms Well, I dunno. You always say my posts are poopy, so saying this is one of my better ones…was that “I like this post” or was that “this is less poopy?” I was hedging towards the former but opted for Switzerland 🙂

You are definitely not stupid. And, I always prefer nice people to the obnoxious ones no matter how other people think of them as right at the top, so you score high in my books. I also would like to see myself as this nice person with a great and ready smile to everyone. If that makes me boring, so be it.

So, when a time came in my life recently when I thought I couldn’t really say something nice because of the problems that were heaped on my life, I took a self-imposed hiatus when it comes to blog hopping and blog commenting. I didn’t want to drag people down along with me.

Now that I am feeling a tad better, I am back at it again. My smile may not be the on thousand-megawatt one yet, but it’s there slowly building up. And, I am glad I chose your post to read today. Gives me a reason to smile more. Thanks. 🙂

As I frequently find myself, I am once again in your camp, Margie. Being kind does not make you (us) stupid. It gives us the latitude to allow others to be themselves and think the eay they wish, even when we do not agree.

We should always be true to ourselves. Thise who live their lives being feared by others tend to have a very lonely existence.

As to your story, there is an “old spiritual” song with that same sentiment, that plays over and over in my mind and heart, “This may be the last time, I don’t know.”

None of this makes us stupid, it makes us human and helps keep us humble.

Another great post from Margie Clayman. Thank you! It’s a classic trope where the sincerely good, kind and polite character is underestimated by others because of their kind nature. It’s played out time and time again in books, movies and in real life. But, in the end, I think nice guys do finish first. Way to go, Margie!

@susanborst Thanks, Susan. They say that nice guys finish last – I’m not sure that’s true. I think they just go underground because they get so darned discouraged. But that makes for a really long saying.

Underestimate is a good word. Kind folks are often the underdogs. Hmm. There’s a morsel there for sure.

Kindness is often equated with weakness. In reality, it is quite the opposite. The ability to kindly respond to hurtful things requires strength. While the ugliness in the online world is disheartening, it is a monster created, in part, by kind people. Clicks are online currency. Every time some one clicks a link to an ugly post or shares the link with his or her community, it rewards the creator. If the blog is monetized, we are literally paying people to be ugly.

Constructive discourse challenging the status quo is necessary for the channel to grow and improve. Personal attacks move us backwards. The current online environment is not conducive to positive growth because people who question the merits of a comment are attacked personally.

@danperezfilms makes an excellent point that some bridges need to be burned. We have to choose our battles carefully and turn the other cheek when it is appropriate. I’m hopeful that over time the people who are using ugliness to further personal causes will be replaced with people who want to work together for a better online community. Until then, I’m trying to do my part by not rewarding them with my clicks or comments.

@Debra_Ellis@danperezfilms thanks Debra, and yes, Dan does make a good point. Sometimes you need to burn the bridge. There’s a line between remaining kind and not being stupid versus being stupidly kind. Sometimes that line can seem hard to see, but it’s there, and identifying it is utterly necessary.

MC Media,
Love the post. BEing kind does not make you stupid, nor does it make you weak. We are in a period where bombast is equated with brilliance. I find that quiet competence is often overlooked. Stay with your program. Not only are you kind, but you are also down the middle. Down the middle makes you an honest broker of information. Isn’t blogging about info?

You need all the colors to make a rainbow. One isn’t more important than the rest.

Personally, I think you rock Margie. Your style is all your own. (And I’m one of the mean people who really enjoys the cuss words.. hahahahaa) Its a lighter, more thoughtful touch. One that I aspire to have more of in my communication.

Besides, you share a very nice name with my grandmother, who has been rockin’ life for 95 years. Carry on. You’re doing a great job!

Don’t stress about what other people think so much. You can’t make everyone happy. Just try for yourself…

Everything is what you make it. Think of Dita Von Teese. Her real name is Heather Renee Sweet. She DEFINITELY chose an “old-fashioned name” and is rockin’ it quite successfully. Your name rolls off the tongue and is easy to say/remember. I like it. And best of all: its yours. 🙂

Wow and Wow. I was really touched by your words here Margie. I couldn’t agree more in so many ways. The era of ‘jerk glorification’ just doesn’t resonate with me. Fact is, you don’t have to bash people to find online success. You don’t have to be arrogant, terse, conceited, cuss like a sailor, etc. I could literally go on and on about this, but you already said it better than I could.

Since I am in the business of helping people get noticed, promoted, and shared I tend to push the envelope. Like most things in the Attention Economy you have too act according to your goals and objectives.

I often talk with people who have noble and worthwhile ambitions but insist on doing nothing that will distinguish from everyone else. They won’t promote. They won’t shout. They won’t fight for what they believe in. They won’t demand the attention their passion deserves. Most times the public passes on without giving them the attention they deserve. It sucks because these folks have amazing things to say and do. But their timidity allowed the “jerks” to get the lionshare of attention.

The problem in my mind isn’t so much about being too nice or too kind. It’s about being boring, unimaginative, and timid. Martin Luther King was profoundly “kind” but not the least bit timid. Being the history buff you are, I’m sure you can list scores of other profoundly kind people that wouldn’t allow themselves to be ignored.

My dad often told me, people don’t like to fight, but they love a fighter. I’m still getting my head around that wisdom. So the folks standing in the “Kind” corner need to learn how how fight for the microphone. The world desperately needs to hear what you have to say.

@Stanford this is something people keep coming back to, and I might have to write a post on the topic. Kindness does not equal stupidity, but it also does not equal weakness. As you mention, Martin Luther King built his movement on the idea of not retaliating. The whole concept of Civil Disobedience that he and Gandhi were proponents above revolved around the idea of taking the higher ground, even when tanks were ready to mow you over. Compared to that, online challenges seem pretty ridiculously small. I think we can handle it.

Thanks for the story. Interesting point that people who are kind can be thought of as stupid. Happens in the offline world as well I think. For me it is trying to get a balance between being kind becasue I think I should be and being kind becasue that feels authentic for me to be. Sometimes I can be kind at my own expense and I think that may be when some people take advantage. At times I have thought that it was up to others to not take advantage of my kind nature. But in the end I suppose it is up to me to stand up for myself and say no, but also be kind.

With your friend who died, your getting up and leaving may have been exactly what they needed. It may have lead to a chain of events that you don’t know about that changed the life of others in this persons life. That is the thing that I have been learning about. We never really know how our words or actions effect others. We can only assume and sometimes if I am saying something I think is kind the other person may take it as mean. And sometimes I may say something I think is mean and the other person thinks it’s kind. It’s all very confusing. So I have just decided to say what ever feels like the truth and what comes to me at the time without thinking about it and see how that goes.

@RSA Course There’s a lot of wisdom in your statement and a lot that resonates with me, certainly. I often ponder the difference between being unerringly kind and offering pearls to swine. When are you being giving and when are you being a fool? Tough questions to answer, certainly. And that’s why there is a difference between saying “Kind doesn’t equal stupid” and “Don’t be stupidly kind.” 🙂

I am all caught up (over 1,100 emails) and after reading all the posts that I had subscribed to plus all those that were mentioned and sounded like I HAD to investigate, I felt that I had at least an inkling of what had been on people’s minds.

First, Marjorie, My friend. My heart is breaking that you would ever feel the need to write this post. (For real) Plain and simple- (and my Dad HATES it, and me I think- when I cut out all the “nice talk” and diplomatic bull shit to state the bottom line)- there will always be people that for some reason have to hurt, discredit, lie about, attack and undermine those that are good. Not just all the folks out there that honestly and truly DO good, but those that ARE good. Fact.

Add attention and the power that comes from someone who is a leader (of any kind), someone who is strong (from the inside) and does things the right ways for the right reasons, someone that has “influence” (here on line OR in the physical world), and what you become is a target. Someone that has to be taken down, destroyed or at the very least, damage your thoughts about yourself and make you doubt, this of course makes many weak, and almost always takes the focus away from what you are doing and who and how you are.

Basically, I am NOT a nice person. Things like this allow my newly found direction to falter and my blood starts to boil. I want to hurt the hurt-ers. I hate watching them move onto the next. I know, I KNOW in my heart and mind that it is not for me to judge anyone and that judgement will come, and I detest the part of me that feels the need to witness the accounting.

I have learned so much about things from you, Margie. I have learned by (trying) emulating your Lady style and being. I was taught what is right, what is appropriate, and all the good things a human needs. You, by being you, has taught me more. You taught me what it looks like- in real life. Please, do not doubt yourself or any of your directions. Being kind does not make you stupid or gullible. It makes you RIGHT.

@girlygrizzly Getting angry or frustrated, especially on behalf of someone else, does not make you mean, darlin. Also, your comments perpetually make me feel like I am living in a dream world. You are really far too kind! There, I said it.

I refer to this as the Omarosa-fication of our culture. Being assertive now means getting in someone’s face, grabbing every advantage whether you need it or not. You see this behavior all the time on the freeway. That guy did not need to cut in front of you or not move over when you needed to merge — but he did becuase he could. To back down or let you in would have shown weakness.

Hey Margie, have just come across your blog from “40 most approachable Social A-listers on Twitter”.

i have read only two posts so far and i just happen to love them. I come from Africa (just recently relocated to USA) and i gotta say that its a culture shock when it comes to values here. (yes, the online community beats them all)

I like your values style. Yes we may look like old-schoolers but there is really such longevity in that..plus life is a whole lot easier, no hustle trying to be mean and bad in order to “fit” it.

Margie, I wasn’t aware of this situation. I feel being kind online is the only way to be. If people think I’m not the brightest bulb in the lamp, I’ve been too busy going my merry way to notice it. You are one of the most intelligent people I know online. You shine brilliantly in your wonderful writing. And of course you are very kind. I try to steer clear of ill mannered types, or make a joke of it, which doesn’t always work. Then, not hanging out with them is the most I can do. I feel rather naive reading your post, because I think there is a powerful truth here I just wasn’t seeing. I will try to wise up, but I won’t change any. My models for behavior are Jesus and Mother Teresa. You can’t set your goals any higher than that and you need supernatural help to reach them. Hopefully this keeps me busy enough to avoid being a jerk online and avoid the jerks too. Loved this Margie, thank you. You really got me thinking!

Who is it. tell me. I will send the wrath of Kenny Mad Chatter Kahn down and upon them. 🙂 That is a joke too 🙂 No doubt. Your are nice because you are you. There are a lot of jerks online. And I have noticed the same thing. And I have noticed a lot other things too. But we can’t let it get to us. Truth is sometimes it will. We are human. Humans react, get angry, sad and all the rest of the emotions. The thing to remember is it only reflects on them. There are bully’s on line too. In the networks we frequent. And it is accepted and tolerated out of fear. And that is the truth. There is a lot of fake behavior. But it is transparent. And you are right being nice is critical to positive mentality, life and world. Because sometimes you don’t get the opportunity to take back the talk. The nicer you are the more it comes back to you. You just cannot continually suck up the negativity. At some point you have to say enough is enough and surround yourself with the people who lift you up and let the others find their own way. If it makes them feel better to call people stupid and boost their ego with false bravado let them plant their own seeds. Karma always has a plan. Strong people know it is BS. Stay Strong. Stay You. Stay True.

The glorification of jerks..does that really work? Is that the same concept as “any press is good press, even if it’s bad press”? …neither pass muster with me. I have personally seen some pretty brash folks in the on line world…their smug arrogance used to get under my skin, now I simply ignore them and focus my energies on the kinder, gentler folks, and some plenty smart ones too! …I so enjoy the smart, kind, gentle sorts that make me feel all good and stuff 🙂

Aside from the excellent content what I take from this is we all have a story. Often we make assumptions or judge based on preconceived ideas or even ignorance. But as you shared there is almost always something driving us. Recently folks (some here) shared of incredible pain caring for seriously ill or handicapped family members. We just never know – great reminder to the quick to listen slower to speak.

@margieclayman That’s some story, Margie. One of the things I always tell me kids is always leave the house with an “I love you” This thought probably arose after 9/11. In terms of jerkiness..I agree, the loudest jerk gets the biggest audience. The kinder and gentler folks don’t have their blog posts read : ) I’ve also noticed that so many people spout sunshine and party balloons, but in reality just want to ass-kiss for self promotion. I’m a litle more cynical than some of my online buddies, but I prefer to keep these comments to myself. I really try hard to not be hurtful online because of this tenet I learned from my religious studies, “Treat others as you want to be treated.” So, please continue the kindness! : )

I too am one of the “nice” people in the World. I see what you see … that people judge me as stupid and try to take advantage. both online and in the real World. To put it bluntly, I think people tend to see “niceness” as “weakness”. Weak people are considered “stupid”. I sometimes wonder what the World is coming to.

Finally…I found
someone who’s NICE and is NOT afraid to put it out there for the
“cyber-world” to read…how refreshing! Of course you are NOT stupid;
if anything, it’s the other way around. What a relief to read what have been my
same exact (almost like someone else is reading my mind) thoughts for a few
years now, especially in the last 10 years or so. I often tell those around me:
please do NOT confuse kindness with stupidity ~ or in Spanish, since that is my
native language: “Mansa si, mensa no”. Needless to say, popularity in the
online world isn’t happening for me, but if its cost comes by bullying others,
I DON’T want it: thanks, but no thanks. Seriously, what type of person, for the sake of being “popular”
and having a thousand(s) online (and otherwise) friends would be willing to
“sell” themselves in such way and stoop so low? Only a very, very
lonely and empty one, who despite all appearances has such huge emotional and
spiritual emptiness that his/ her only way of tease themselves into believing
otherwise, is by belittling others! In a nutshell: we need to treat others as
we would like to be treated and YES “love thy neighbor” sums it up as
well!

I am an attractive woman who smiles constantly and I treat people as I would want to be treated. Granted I am no brain surgeon. I had many difficulties throughought my school years. I work in a customer service field and I make people’s days brighter by smiling and being kind. I have a great skill at being kind. I am not world educated but I constantly receive comments from people who don’t truly know who I am or the challanges I have dealt with. Including a suicide attempt that caused seizures and also memory loss. Short and long term. I am so tired of people making subtle jokes such as , “you are really a blond aren’t you?” Truth is ..I am a kind and caring person. I am nice. I care. I love babies. I love people. I couldn’t hurt a fly and yes I am attractive. I am fed up with “stupid cracks”! I am not stupid! Iam no brain surgeon. But I have a good heart. I am fed up with mean people. You never know what goes on in someone’s life. No one knows what my story is. I will always be this way. Boo to the mean people. I feel they are somehow…deep down..envious because they are hardened. Tired of being hurt by subtle comments that cause me to go hide and cry because they truly hurt my heart. Is that what I deserve as a kind and caring person?