John McCain to quit campaign

As the daily polls are coming in showing an ever-growing Obama landslide, the campaign of John McCain has gone beyond desperation to make up the difference. Selecting a hot female running mate proved ineffective and bringing up Obama’s Marxist and socialist background has failed to make a dent. After the two Tennessee boys they hired got caught, the campaign was left with few options.

Through a press conference scheduled for later today, McCain is set to drop out of the race. Knoxpatch has obtained an exclusive copy of the Senator’s speech, which we are going to reprint in its entirety:

My fellow Americans, it saddens me this day that I have no other choice but to drop out of the race and concede defeat to my Marxist opponent, with his ties to radical terrorists, and his terribly unsexy running mate. The polls do not lie. They can’t all be wrong, can they? It’s obvious that Hollywood, P. Diddy, the liberal media, the UN, Hugo Chavez, and the entire world don’t want me as president, even though they loved me so few short years ago.

Well to hell with all of you. If you want that sumbitch to be president so much, you got him. You deserve him. And don’t call me crying in four years. You bastards. I hate you all.

So long, and good night.

The speech is expected to be delivered in time tonight so that he can get back to his hotel and watch the new epsiode of House.