Month: November 2015

Hey, you guys! I’m sitting procrastinating because I’m supposed to go bake a pie and I have NEVER baked a pie. The only reason I’m doing this is because my husband happened to mention that he had never had sweet potato pie. My initial reaction was, “Of course not. You’ve always had pecan because you’re melanin deficient. ” Ignorant, I know. But since I live where I live, most of the white families I’ve met do pecan, most of the Black families, sweet potato. Tomato, tomahto.

But then two things happened. One, I realized that, blonde though my hubby may be, he’s been married to a Black woman with a Black family for almost twelve years. Two, my son also said he never had tasted said pie. Conclusion: I am a failure.

So I wildly overreacted which ended with a declaration that I’m going to make this pie. I’m sure hilarity will ensue that I will be compelled to tell ya’ll about later.

Anyhoo, I don’t know why I decided to spill those particular beans. I meant to tell you about how Kid Sensation cheated death. And, no not at the hands of Wondergirl. No. This time he took on the Big Man.

So we’ve all been cooped up here for the last few couple days together. Kid Sensation has been in front of a screen for the entire time. Like, only stopping for meals and potty breaks. Which would be fine if he was in college or building an online empire. However, he’s just looking up cartoon theme songs and offbeat British animation. (I don’t know.)

I know, I know–we’re terrible parents. I’m not gonna front though. It beats listening to him and Wondergirl fighting non-freaking-stop. I mean, it’s like living with Captain America and, well, Wondergirl. The other night, I didn’t hear anything for like, ten minutes and I was all, “Finally.” But then I realized that it was ten p.m. and they had just fallen asleep. Mid-fight.

All day, every day.

Yesterday, the Big Man figured that ol’ K.S. needed to get some fresh air. We live in the Pacific Northwest and it’s not raining. AKA: Get your butt outside.

Kid Sensation ignores the first missive, choosing the dangerous path of ignoring his dad. But this, you guys, this is not where things went left.

The Big Man repeats himself. He hates repeating himself even more than I do. Still, not in quite in Fatality country–just cruising the border. Not until Kid Sensation says, and I quote: “Okay, Okay. Be calm.”

I know you know what I’m talking about here. When you have repeatedly issued an order to your child and they want to act like you’re crazy and that your craziness isn’t their fault, it’s maddening. No, maddening isn’t right. It’s infuriating.

The Big Man turns beet-red. I know this description is overused, but he really was the exact shade of supermarket beets. All I heard was, “GET IN HERE! NOW!” It was so loud that at first I thought the Apocalypse had begun and I was going to be called into account for my bogus pie claims.

I immediately remove myself from the room. I am not trying to give eyewitness testimony. I remove myself from the room, and immediately begin fabricating plausible reasons for Kid Sensation’s disappearance. “Okay, we’re poor, so boarding school is out. Living with Grandma? No, she lives half a mile from here. Think, Vida, think!”

Next thing I know, I’m witnessing the single most tearful shoe putting on ever. He even managed to have one lonely tear stop mid-cheek on both sides of his face. It was so, so, pitiful, you guys. But he brought it on himself.

I still don’t know which particular boom was lowered that day. I’m a coward, so I’m afraid to ask. I’m just glad Kid Sensation is alive and well. And fighting with Wondergirl as we speak.

Hey, you guys! I missed you, did you miss me? Awww, stop it, you’re making me blush. Oh, I thought you were talking to me. Well, I will just have to pretend.

Football season is done vampiring our lives. (If vampiring isn’t a word, it should be.)Now we release the Kraken: wrestling season. I don’t know how Mama Prime does it with two of them. Maybe she’s sedated and if so, she really should share. Hints, Mama Prime. Hints.

Speaking of the Primes, a while ago, Omega happened to mention that he gave a kid a ticket for jaywalking while he was doing safety patrol. We all thought that was a cute way for the school to teach kids how to safely cross the street. Papa Prime then asks Omega, “So, what, they give you guys little papers or something to give out?”

Omega says, “Nope. I made them myself.”

Just to be clear: This ten-year-old kid made a bunch of tickets at home to give out while he has on a yellow vest and holding an orange flag to enforce Safety Patrol Justice. And the offending jaywalker was in kindergarten. Omega is out here putting the fear in these kids. It’s about to get real in these streets crosswalks. I told Mama Prime he’s going to be the Chief of Police. Which is good for when he marries Wondergirl. He can help her with any problems that arise. And by “problems” I mean “remains of her enemies and people who happened to offend her”.

They’re gonna be like this. Except Storm is a villain and her hair is mad curly. Also, the Big Man wouldn’t let her wear this.

Oh, and we got a German Shepherd puppy. I guess the fam felt like I needed someone to talk to during the day. And clean up after. And boss around. Correction–someone else to clean up after and boss around. Cause that’s my idea of a good time. Anyway, his name is Jack and so far he’s been the easiest member of my family to housebreak. He’s sleeping next to me right now due to his exhaustion from fighting with a pot. It was pretty intense.

Anyway, I just wanted to chat for a sec. Now, I’ve got to take the dog out.