02/03/2013

The Northern India Rural Olympic Games has been on. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed our Olympics, but I do have a thing about useful events. The good events are the ones that would've been useful in the olden days during battle. Fast runners are useful, as are people who can jump over wide rivers. The javelin is like throwing a spear, so that's handy. Even the hammer throw could cause some damage. And that's why things like table tennis don't do it for me. You couldn't win a battle by tapping small plastic balls at your enemy. You'd mildly annoy him.

And the shot put wouldn't be great in a battle because of the distances we're talking about. By the time the enemy is that dear the battles over. "Don't fire till you can see the whites of any spots they have."

But when it comes to pointless events the North India Rural Games are amazing. Some of their events include what they called a "veteran athletes race", which is OAP racing. Anyone who's even moaned about walking behind slow pensioners, you'd never keep up with these guys.

They also had one event where someone balanced a bike on his chin. Useful. "Oh no, the enemy is escaping. If only I had a bike to chase after them. Hang on, what's this on my chin? It's a bike! It was right under my nose all along."

And in one event a man pulled a car with his earlobes. Now, I have often ranted about these events. If your car breaks down and you have to pull it, AND you have something in each hand... put something down. Get a friend to hold it. Don't try to pull your car with your ears.

So, the North India Rural Games aren't that useful, but I'll tell you where there is a sports event that's useful...

In the Philippines they have just held the annual stiletto race. The rules are: Competitors should wear at least three-inch heels, and run 500 meters to the finish line.

That is a useful skill. If you see your bus is about to leave, you've got to cover ground fast in your heels, that's handy. No one ever has to run for a bus while wearing pro training shoes and after fully warming up.

If you watch the videos not only do the men wear the heels, they also complete the look with stockings, a dress, make-up and a wig...