P.S. I don't want any jobs please (thank you very much), but I will be posting a surprise tomorrow. It's a big surprise that I've been waiting two years to present to the people here in the Mudcat. And I'm going to do it on your thread.

NONONO, LH! The question was asked in this thread! It remained unanswered in this thread I spoke only to those who ignored him in this thread...except for you, of course, since I was aware that you had already published the pronunciation in the other thread!

bee-dubya-ell-the KNOWER OF THINGS was the Excellent choice for his position. His magnanimity is befitting his position. He is worthy of honor!

Rustic Rebel, I appreciate the quick response to my request. I believe that I have made yet another fine chioce.

An important announcement shall follow:

Hear ye, all. Rustic Rebel has proven herself worthy of the King's notice and of his benediction and benefaction. She is hereby named, by khandu, King of Mississippi, the ROYAL POETESS-LARIAT of the KINGDOM of MISSISSIPPI an shall be given all honors and respect due her Royal Standing, by command of khandu, King of Mississippi.

Carol the Sailor has been a Royal delight for my whole time at Mudcat. And now, she honors me with a surprise that she chooses to post on this thread! It is true that her position at the Polka Circus is one of Glorious Importance, and I can understand her humility in asking that I do not grant her Honor, which shows me that she is worthy of Royal Honor. Oooooo, another announcement shall be made:

Hear Ye, all. Carol C the Sailor is hereby honored by khandu, King of Mississippi as the Royal Pain in the Arse. She shall posthaste and henceforth be given all honor and respect worthy of the title, by command of khandu, King of Mississippi.

As the creator of this thread, I, and I alone, am authorized to call business "BS" and/or BS "Business". Therefore, none shall be qualified to question my authority.

As an example, I deem Bill D's "aquafier" post to be pure, undefiled BS!

I must implore, nay demand, that I not be appointed to any glorious post here. Why? Well, because I am too busy already, that's why. Being William Shatner's foremost North American proponent, for one thing, carries a lot of weight. Am I up to the task? Well, yes, but it's consuming a great deal of my time and energy. Then there's my pursuit (ongoing) of Winona Ryder, which is consuming almost as much. Then there's my attempt to qualify as a chicken sexer...it's a seven week course, and I'm in the 3rd week.

If I take on any more responsibilities at this point I am afraid that I may suffer a teleological breakdown and lapse into babbling, incoherent gibberish and be taken for a fool. This could derail my normal activities.

Look LH, you got too much on your plate....and it's a damn small plate....so let me help you out so you can be appointed as Second Magnolia Copulator in the Kingdom. Here's what you do......

Have Winona Ryder go out and steal all of the frozen horse semen and then she and Shatner can ride off into space on the next Orillian Crop Circle making UFO that comes along on the hunt of Major Tom the psychotic astronaut so they can start a new race of Centaurs at Starbase Cuba Cubed.

I've been waiting for just the right moment and context for posting this. It's taken more than two years, but yesterday, in a moment of epiphany, I realized that this is it! The moment I, and the rest of the Mudcat (*) have been waiting for since March of 2001. So without further fanfare, I give you:

well! a great honor indeed!...but......I wasn't aware porta-potties NEEDED keys....pray tell, what happens to everyone without one? Does only one person a year get a key? And is part of the honor standing guard to unlock the 'facility' for others? Enquiring minds want to know.

Wow RPIA! We are stunned, shocked and awed! Are those shots from thes swimsuit or evening gown competition? So, who got Miss Congeniality? Did you have to answer one of those tricky beauty pageant questions like, "If you were standing in shit up to your neck and somebody threw a bucket if puke at you, would you duck?"

....and, it doth bemuse me that the only post which is truly NOT BS, has been acclaimed pure BS! Have any of you looked up the dire situation of the Ogalalah aquifer?

oh...wait...perhaps the serendipitous juxtiposition of the competing claims to the position in the heirarchy of purity constitute a new category of META-BS! In which case I withdraw my admonition to ignore the original statement...(which probably negates the entire BS-ness of the exercise, which leaves our King in the position of having to wade through the strained logic of one of his non-subjects in order to rule on the status...or ignore it entirely...your call, your Majesty.)

Bill D., it's an honourary key in much the same way that a key to the town hall, when presented to someone who is being honored, is an honorary key. But people who aren't awarded the keys to town halls and, in this case, the municipal porta-potty, can still get into them without the key during regular business hours.

BWL (etc. etc. etc.), I was awarded the title by virtue of being the first person ever to write a limerick about Orillia, the "Limerick Capitol of the World", and home of Stephen Leacock, the world renowned "Limerick King".

I went to Orillia on a month-and-a-half long McGillgrimage, where I was graciously hosted by some of Orilia's finest citizens who showed me a really good time, and then I was crowned Ms McGill, and presented with the key.

Naw Joe, just hang out here with us on the Mother of BS or over at my non-birthday thread which has been determined to be the Father. As far as Hawk goes, just ignore the pissant little, fockin' broke-dick, Mamalucca. He can't even get a position in te Kingdom as Second Magnolia Copulator. Maybe khandu will give him the Third or Fourth......

artbrooks, my apologies for having failed to put you on the candidate list. Consider yourself included! I hope to find a fitting position for you soon!

KNOWER OF THINGS...an excellent autobiography it is! It is quite exciting and extremely interesting. I was on the edge of my throne as I read it! It is a real page-turner!

Bill D...your last post is glorious BS, perhaps you shall gain position in my Royal Command!

MS Penelope Rutledge, who I am sure is really Tweed incognito, tell the Punch crew...tell everyone! After all, this is:

THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!

Spaw, dear Spaw who worked so hard to save the King's sanity (and succedded grandly!!!), I would happily appoint you to an exalted position, however, there are some issues which must be resolved.

Tweed, you stinky Floridian turncoat...did you forget one major flaw in your Carol the Sailor???? She plays the accordian!!!! And she has been known to osculate, followed by sudden, uncontrolable ululation!

The King is joyful at the exceedingly grand responses to this thread! (sob...sniff sniff...) I am moved to tears by all of you who have helped this thread become the wonder it is today! Because of YOU this is truly living up to the name:

THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!!

To Joe Offer, who is no igmo, you need not worship at anyone's feet. You are a Duck. Ducks do not grovel! Lift your head high and say aloud, "I am Third Duck of Pelahatchie, Mississippi and I am Proud!...I am not an igmo!".

I have been barraged with questions about the word "igmo". Many have asked, "So Joe Offer is no igmo; exactly what is it he isn't?"

I am happy to be of help to my fellow citizens of planet earth. However, you could have just as easily asked Little Hawk, I am certain he would have given you exactly the same info that I now offer.

"Igmo" is a word coined by the great, late Harry Lee Wigley (whom I knew personally!). He developed the use of the word to honor TV actor and strongman, Luther Igmo, who played as a strange green monster in a 1970's TV show.

The actual meaning of the word is "a dullard, one who is mentally sluggish, a stupid or bovine person."

Of course, Mr. Wigley was not using it in reference to Luther Igmo, instead he referred to the monster that Igmo played on TV.

Right -- Joe Offer is not a green monster. Glad we got that cleared up. As to the many things that Khandu is not, do not let us begin, dear friends, for well begun would be half done, as the old wives would have it, and the wits of Khandu could not bear to be half-done, knitted as they are to a fare-thee-well.

Hear ye, all. By command of khandu, King of Mississippi, Amos shall henceforth be called the Royal Mississippi Minister of Golden Tongued Double Talk, and shall be awarded all honor and respect due his Royal Position.And, at any time, upon his entrance into the Kingdom of Mississippi, he shall be served by the Royal subjects to his need.

The accordian is the instrument of real royalty as everyone knows. In fact, Charlemagne was an avid accordianist as were all the Louis's I-XIV.

Enjoy this charade while you can khandu khing obv Mizippi. You pass out these worthless appointments like beads at Mardi Grass. I for one will follow the sweet sound of Queen CarolC in full ululation and wonder how others are able to resist her call.

Ohhhh... Tweed. You don't want to be my subject. I can't do the having subjects thing. I'll be too tempted by power, and you know what they say about power. It would be terrible, like Imelda Marcos of the accordions... imagine how horrible that would be! Please, if you are my friend, you won't put this temptation before me...

My Queen, I habv destermined frum yore latest despondence thet it iz yore desire to acquire huge numbers of shoes. Thar fore I sail for Taiwan with the tide and will bring as much as the johnboat will hold.

I yam obv corse, at yore beck and call. Say the word an' we hide our armys in a thousand green outhouses and set them before the gates obv Mizippi. Khandu will be hard pressed to refuse a gift ob a thousand shithouses and bring them inside. Mizippi and all it's treasures will be yore's O Queen of Squeeze!

Word of this thread has reached the far shores of the kingdom of the equine pugalists. The Kingdom of which yews lot was once a mere collony - how ever the divine Ms Routledge approves of your efforts to reinstate a monarchy and has asked us to provide what advice and support we can muster.

RMMGTDT sounds pretty good, Khandu. Before I accept the position, however, we need to have a discussion about compensation. Double talk is NOT easy, as the President of the United States demonstrates every time he opens his mouth while frowning quizzically. Golden-tongued double talk is especially rare and a significant asset to any group or organization. It is worth more than its weight in gold, I assure you. I don't know if the Royal Treasury can handle this.

Unlike my esteemed colleague from West Virgintucky, I try not to set sail until the cargo is paid for...

As a matter of fact, there are an incredible number of seagulls in the Orillia area, and they are probably responsible for the white stuff on the ground. The Port of Orillia (our harbour commission) has fought a long-running war with the seagulls, passing frequent legislation to bar them from the harbour and park facilities. The seagulls have totally ignored the legislation in every case. Signs banning seagulls have had no effect on them either. People have been fined and harassed for feeding the seagulls, which is now forbidden by ordinance. Still the seagulls come. It is most amusing. I wrote a letter to the Orillia paper, purportedly from an enraged seagull named Thaddeus C. Gull, protesting this rank legal discrimination against gulls that is being demonstrated by the City of Orillia, but sadly the paper refused to print the letter for some reason.

They are seriously lacking in a creative sense of humour at the Orillia Packet & Times. Like the City Council, they take themselves way too seriously.

You pore deluded moron. Do you not realise that you are endangering yore position as Knight of the Realm of Tupelo, First Duck and Coote D'Jour by pursuing yore recent obsession with CarolC the Sailor and Queen of the Porta-Potty? Wake up and smell th' magnolias, boy! She's married! She's the chosen mate of Jack the Sailor, the biggest baddest consultant this side of New York City! Chivalry don't work! Look where it got Lancelot! As the Knower of Things, it is my enlightened opinion that you have lost it, my man. Your delusion is almost on a par with Our King's recent inability to get his nose out of Joe Offer's ass. Look where it got him - The NYCFTTS! You don't want to wind up there do you? For God's sake man, the boy grew tits while he was in there and doesn't even remember it!

Dere BWL, Yore warning an'concern habv fallen on flat ears, but I thank you kindly fer. I am well aware ov her Majesty's Royal Consort Jack the Sailor, who has moved from being a Jack to a King wif the Royal Alliance.

I look upon them az Ferdinand and Queen Izabella to my Columnuss. All perfekly honorus and upright I assure you. In fack I'm hoping to garden thar support in a business venture whar all culd be made fabulously welted! I must speak wif the Royal Cupples' Advisor and facilitator, Liddle Harg and see how much it will cost to pay off sartan Orillia officials an' get the ban on Seagull Feeding lifted....

Tweed! I can't be your monarch! I'm an old hippy. If word gets out that I've got subjects, and one of them is a capitalist, I'll lose all of my street cred! You don't want to be responsible for that do you? Think globally - act locally! Right arm!!

(This is bad... I've been reduced to talking about serious business on this Mother of BS threads... )

"Cut it off? Cut it off?"...Mark, that is the funniest joke I have heard since Harry Lee Wigley died! ROTFLA(Royal)AO!

artbrooks, I have re-read you post and realized that I have done you a disservice. I will atone for that...NOW

Hear Ye,All! By Royal Command, artbrooks is hereby awarded the exalted lowly position of Royal Tinkle Pot Emptier, a position of which he alone is worthy since he so dastardly referred to the King as an "SOB" in a public forum! As RTPE, he is to be given all "honor"(titter, chortle, guffaw!) due his "position"

Any further posts by the RTPE on this thread shall be ignored.

Tweed and Carol C, consider yourselves ignored by the Good King of Mississippi. I never knew thee.

Who would follow the disgruntled khandoo?... other than Paw and the Reg boys wif a pooper scooper and large rolls obv glad bags. I rest my case....for a little while longer...

How much will it tek to get them gulls back on line Hawk? Gardening season iz upon us and I b'leve we culd sell tons of gullguano to the folks at the Old Farmer's Almanac Forum....We could then back the great Captain Shatner in a bid to claim hiz place near the main entrance at Mme.Tussaud's and possibly hiz wax likeness culd be sold to DollyWood also az a good money making attrakshun. He iz a fine singer and I am sure Mz.Parton would intervene on hiz behalf.

Yerz, Tweed Coot d'Coota

PS.I habv been trying to say the wird specificity over an' over wifout much success.

"A Broom is drearily sweeping Up the broken pieces of yesterday's luck. Somewhere a Queen is weeping, Somewhere a King has no First Duck

And the Wind Cries..."khandu" ("The Wind Cries "khandu") by Hendrix and Wigley-1973

"Sad times on the trails tonight Hear that Coyote cry. Sad times on the trails tonight see these teardrops in my eye. Goodbye, Amigo, Friend of mine Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye" (Sad Times on the Trails Tonight) by Ranger Dave and khandu-1973

Royal Tears are rare, but alas, the King cries tonight, even as the wind. My Duck is gone, my duck is gone, woe is me, my duck is gone.

I have been ruminating on considering and assuming and cheese so I must ask the King this question......Have you equally assumed that cutting the cheese was not a good thing and would you now, after due consiseration, reverse the assumption?

What the hell....I thought we might as well start "cross thread posting" as well since neither of these threads are in anyways sensible which is what heads them ever onward to greatness. By cross threading we can reach new heights of complete and utter imbecility and nonsense!!!

YAESS!!! Another wonderful idea from my dear bud, Mr. Caspaw49 of Ohio! My GAWD! Even Amos must express his awe at the intelligence that is demonstrated here at the Mudcat Cafe. I, yes...even I, am agog!new heights of complete and utter imbecility and nonsense!!! Hell, even the Grand Third Duck of Pelahatchie, Joe Offer, must be saying "What hath God wrought?"

This "new heights" thingy...it has never been done before. This changes things. No longer are these to be just "THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS" and "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPAW. Together, they now are a quest! A quest for greatness unparallelled in the anus of time! Truly, these will be called "Wonders of the Civilized World"!

Think of it!!! In 500 years, history buffs will discuss the Iron Age, the Ice Age, the Age of Reason and....THE QUEST!!!!

How can we mark such a great moment! I am giddy with glorious exaltation!

Oh horrible day! Oh day of woe! The Khing has spoke. The Duck must go. How did this evil come to pass? Why must The Duck be such an ass? The poor dumb fool he had it made, A life of honey and marmalade. But now his butt is in a sling, To have done such a foolish thing. The patience of our gracious lord, Has grown as thin as wafer-board. Khandu has spoken loud and clear, "Tweed, your ass is outa here!"

BBRRAAAWWWMMPP

It's one GIANT pelvic thrust for mankind, that's what it is! Or perhaps we should say "humankind", so as not to appear to leave out the ladies (which we certainly are not doing).

Let's also not forget to plumb the DEPTHS of imbecility, inanity, and all those other good things. The heights alone are not enough!

Does anyone know where I can get a Zebra which has the normal stripe patterns reversed? I mean like in a black and white film negative, you know? But the real thing. Only his eyes and hooves have to be the regular color, it's just the hair I'm talking about.

I'm trying to make a film about racial prejudice and ostracism among herd animals of the Serengeti...but not ostriches. I need a zebra.

(That may not be wholly accurate...it's from a 20-year-old memory. Not to be confused with a 20-year-old's memory, which I haven't had for a long time, nor a 20-year-old's mammary, which I haven't seen for almost as long.)