Sunday, January 30, 2011

Okay, so here we go...

There's been so much to post, so I did what any sane person would do- I avoided it.

There are many reasons why I avoided it. The biggest being that as the job unfolded, events transpired that were not in the job description. Namely, the best parts of the job as it was described to be in the interview, the interview by which I based the decision to uproot my and my husband's entire lives and move to a different STATE, had been given to someone else. The whole deal was very shady and back-door; I was very angry. VERY angry. Like, stormed-into-the-principal's-office-and-demanded-to-know-why-I'm-here angry (hey, I didn't yell and I didn't curse, so all in all I did pretty good). And I'm pretty sure I was lied to on three separate occasions concerning the situation, but I realize that I am a first year teacher. We are pretty dang low on the totem pole 'round these parts. My options were to 1. keep my big mouth shut and keep the job I've been searching for for two friggin years, or 2. take a stand and, while it may be noble and right, noble doesn't pay the bills.

It was very hard to resign myself to "defeat". I know it's not defeat, since I still have a job, but it's not the job I thought it was. Ergo, in my mind, it's defeat. Or at least it was. I have a hard time at times accepting that I'm a grown up; all those middle school insecurities come flooding back at times like this and so here I am, the new kid, who thought she was getting her dream job, but sees the best parts going to the popular kids, and those popular kids aren't inviting me to come play.

All of this transpired in late August and early September. It's now late January and I'm just now able to let go of all of the negative feelings. I resisted the urge to post here for all these months because I knew that it would be reactionary to the anger and hurt; one could argue that maybe I needed that outlet, but instead my poor husband got the brunt of it. I couldn't bear to put the black feelings into black and white because even if I ended up deleting it later, I would have seen it in print and that makes it all so final.

So I learned to let go. It was hard, and it will be hard to see someone else doing what I love, what was promised to me, but I'll get trough it. Lord knows I have enough to keep me distracted.