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Monday, August 22, 2011

Addressing my self-worth

I struggled with what to write this week. Nothing spectacular happened, nothing made me terribly upset, happy, introspective or intelligent. It was just another week as usual; I worked, I slept, I ate (probably in that order). So keeping in line with my homework assignment from my dietician, I’m starting to think more about why I remain motivated to continue seeing her, to continue seeking full recovery from my eating disorder (in my black and white mind, they two are synonymous).

Or rather, what is taking me so long to attain recovery.

From the start, I have insisted on doing things my way. The weight I’ve gained has all been on my terms. I only add foods to my diet because I want to. My emotional gains have been painfully wrought from the messes that I’ve made in my life (and the successes I have celebrated).

My motivation changes and evolves along with my recovery. I’ve made great emotional and physical progress over the past five or so years, and will be the first to admit that I am much better than I was even just two years ago. But something seems to have left me stalled as of late.

After giving it some thought, I think I have found the bit of information that I had nestled away in the nether regions of my brain. Or rather, I’m now willing to address/acknowledge it. I have long been aware that my eating disorder really isn’t about food or weight but that these symptoms instead represent something deeper (something which I’m sure isn’t new to anyone here). But I have ignored what it is about. Yes, deep down, I have known for a long time that my eating disorder is perpetuated largely in part to my lack of self worth. And, to a degree, my inability or unwillingness to deal with that deficit.

So this comes back to why I continue making the 3 hour round trip trek once a week to see my dietician.

Am I telling myself, by doing this, that I’m prepared to develop the self worth that recovery and healthy life requires? I’m going to take a deep breath and say yes....this is what I want to see happen.

The question I’m often asked: Do I think I will ever fully recover? Yes, yes I do, but I think it could take a lifetime to do so, if I let it.

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