A Caveman In A Spaceship.

All the hopes and dreams and innermost feelings that I, Dave Hill, can muster.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Music At The Bridge

Hi there. You like fun, right? Okay then, you should totally come to this thing I am hosting next week under the Brooklyn Bridge called "Union Hall Presents Music At The Bridge," which- as hinted in the name- is a night of music presented to you by the fine folks at Union Hall and featuring hot rock music from the French Kicks, Headlights, Tiny Masters of Today, and Union Hall Secret Science Club. And then I am totally going to be hosting the whole thing. I like how they call me "MC Dave Hill" on the flyer above. It makes me sounds like a rapper who might shoot someone or something. Anyway, you should totally come if you can. It is all going to happen under a bridge. And I won't shoot you. You seem too nice for that.Dave Hill

Monday, July 28, 2008

San Diego Comic Con And The Beginning of My West Coast Invasion

Today I write to you from scenic Los Angeles, Home of the Stars, where I have just arrived after a few days at Comic Con 2008 in San Diego, which is south of here. I never thought I’d ever be able to say this, but this was actually my fourth Comic Con (two in New York, two in San Diego). This time around, I was doing some video stuff for MSN, the popular Internet portal. You can see some of the videos I did here. I hope you like them so much. Seriously, go watch them now or I will cut myself.I was pretty busy running around and shooting stuff most of the time at Comic Con, but I did get to check out a bunch of cool and/or scary stuff and even got to meet Frank Kozik, one of my favorite artists, whom you might know from his popular rock poster art and stuff. I also bought a little book of Ghana movie posters and also a small plastic bear, pictured above (that is not the actual bear I bought, but I swear to you mine totally looks just like it). Sometimes I just love to part with my money. Plus, chicks really dig grown men with toys all over their apartment (NOTE: To be fair, I don’t really have that many. Actually, I think I have a highly bangable balance of totally grown up stuff and kinda/sort manchild stuff in my apartment. Phew- glad I got that out of the way).

Another highlight of my visit to Comic Con was meeting Catblue Dynamite (or rather a girl from Tokyo dressed as the popular anime character). She didn’t speak much English, but I am pretty sure we were crazy about each other. I guess I’ll never really know for sure. That is a video of her dancing above that I found on the Internet. I’m not really sure why the person who shot it held their camera sideways. It is messing with my head, like, for real.

Okay, I am off to do something or another right now. I will totally give you a full update soon. It is going to be incredible.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Killer Peppers And Other Topics

I just got word that the goverment health people have figured out that you should totally not eat jalapeno peppers for a while unless you totally want to die from salmonella. Yeah- no thanks! Still this news doesn’t come easy for me, a guy who likes to make things Mexcellent as often as possible and only very recently discovered the jalapeno popper. I mean, sure, I can bring it down for a few days but I really hope they get everything sorted out pronto so I can get the year-long Cinco de Mayo party that I like to keep going in my mouth up and running again.

In other news, last night my incredible rock band Valley Lodge played a private corporate event (since we are rock-n-roll whores) at the Hard Rock Cafe over there in Times Square. It’s a little far north for rockers like us to be playing but with the promise of a little cash and an all-you-can-eat buffet, we were all over that shit. The show was a lot of fun. We were totally rocking people and they were like “Oh, man!” and stuff. The show was in a room called the New York room. After a couple hours I finally put it together that that’s why all the guitars and pictures and clothes and stuff on the walls in that room were from New York musicians. I am like a detective sometimes.In other news, last week’s Explosion ended up being pretty explosive. That is a picture from the show above, take by the great Beowulf Sheehan. My guests Martha Plimpton and Lucy Wainwright Roche were awesome and Phil rocked “Night Shark” at the end, which was pretty unstoppable. There were even celebrities in the audience, which is always the true test of whether something was really worth leaving the house for if you ask me (I am a shallow person).

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Explosive Explosion TOMORROW!

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. This your man Dave Hill again. From before. Anyway, remember how a few days ago I was totally pestering you about coming to my popular nightclub act, known in the trade as The Dave Hill Explosion? Well, I am totally doing it again, which leads me to my next point- TOMORROW night, which is to say July 17, 2008 at 9:30pm, I am going to be stepping out onto the stage of the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in Chelsea and really swinging for the fences, something baseball fans might recognize as a baseball reference. But let's back it up a bit. July 17th- kind of rings a bell, doesn't it? And why not? After all, it's the same day that Catherine II (or Catherine the Great as she was known on T-shirts and all other official despot-related merchandise at the time) became tzar of Russia upon the accidental murder of her husband Peter III of Russia in 1762, something I have been calling bullsh*t on for, like, a seriously long time. F@#kin' despots- they act like they totally run the place or something! Whatevs. Anyway, I really hope you can come to my show tomorrow. It pretty much has everything- talking, singing, dancing, fire, knives, clapping, bees, snacks, partial nudity, tears, and also a couple short films I have made in my spare time. As if all of that is not enough, I will also be joined tomorrow by human ray of sunshine Martha Plimpton and Lucy Wainwright Roche, the folk assassin. And, of course, the bearded one, Phil, will be there too, vocalizin', socializin', and generally creeping everybody out. You should totally come- if not for all the just plain electric stuff I just mentioned, then definitely to celebrate the birthday of Russian mathematician Sergei K. Godunuv, who proved that "linear numerical schemes for solving partial differential equations, having the property of not generating new extrema, can be at most first-order accurate," called it Godunov's theorem, and then would pretty much not shut about it. You can get tickets to my show right here.

Futuristic Ideas From The Future

Over the years, I have come up with a number of futuristic and largely stupid ideas, usually under the influence alcohol, boredom, or some combination of both. Back in about 1991 (friends can back me up on this because I wouldn’t shut up about it most nights), I had an idea for a business called “Rent-a-pup,” which- as the name suggests- would be a dog rental service. I had it all figured out- you could rent different dogs at different prices. For example, you could get two Terriers for the price of one Golden Retriever, hourly rates with discounts on 24-hour rentals, mutts priced to move, etc. Everyone laughed at me and my idea, including me since I was (pretty much) kidding. And then it happened- someone actually opened a business just like the one I was describing. And, of course, it happened in Japan, since they are way ahead of us over there. And now, all these years later, dog rental businesses are opening here in the states, like this one, for example. Needless to say, I am both kicking myself and patting myself on the back for- at least in my mind anyway- coming up with the idea first (and doing absolutely nothing about it).

This morning, I discovered another one of my breakthrough ideas come to fruition. Years ago- probably even back in the ‘80s- I would tell anyone who would listen (not many people, as I was young and- according to some- weird) about my idea for bottled tap water, so people could have tap water from whatever city they’d like whenever they want. This morning in the grocery store I saw a product called TAP NY, which- according to the label was purified New York City tap water, something I found slightly confusing as- up until this point- I had been under the impression that New York City tap water was already purified New York City tap water. I can’t find their website, but I swear this product exists and I am not drunk yet today.

Anyway, my point is this- I am from the future. Well, no, not really. But I am happy to take credit for coming up with really dumb ideas (though- to be fair- the dog rental thing, while cruel in some and/or many ways, is kind of brilliant), way ahead of everyone else. Then again, I’m sure somewhere some kid is telling his friends about an idea he has for edible staplers or something and is thinking the exact same thing about himself. Hey, maybe we’re not so different after all.

In other news, I went to pick up some dry cleaning this morning and- as usual- was delighted to be called “Davis” by the people who run the store. When I first started going there, they somehow got my name wrong. I am guessing I was either mumbling or perhaps I introduced myself using the awkward and possibly English-as-a-second-language sentence structure “Dave is my name.” Anyway, the name stuck and I kind of like it better than my real name, so I have never corrected them. This way, whenever I remove the little pink tags they put on freshly dry-cleaned shirts and stuff, I get a little tickled seeing my new nickname. It’s the little things in life.

Okay, I am off to rent an irritable Rottweiller, priced to move. Or maybe I will just stick my head in the oven (Do people still do that? Not sure if it works with an electric stove).

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Pee-wee On Letterman

I've posted some of these here before, but Pee-wee Herman's appearances on Letterman in the '80s are some of my favorite things to watch, like, ever. Most of the clips have been taken down from YouTube for whatever reason, but here is a pretty good one that's still up. That Pee-wee- all these years later and it still never gets old to me. I remember when Pee-wee's Playhouse was on when I was a kid and I would set my alarm on Saturday mornings so I wouldn't miss it. Now I have a bunch of the episodes on DVD so I can totally make it Saturday morning whenever I want. And even better- I can totally eat as much Cocoa Puffs as I want now and there's not a damn thing anyone can do to stop me! Man, it's awesome being a grown up.

Monday, July 14, 2008

On Viking Shit

A few years ago, I signed up for “A Word A Day,” which- as hinted in the name- is an e-mail service through which you receive a brand new word, complete with definition and suggested usage and everything, in your inbox each day. Since I like words and stuff, it’s kind of fun (you know, in that nerdy, geeky kind of fun that is really not all that much fun the more you think about it). And while I don’t usually remember the words too well or really ever start throwing them into my writing or speech with any regularity (so as to avoid being punched in the face for being too fancy), I like being reminded that there are, like, a whole shitload of words out there besides the ones most of us tend to use all the time. This language of ours- it really is full of possibilities (for example, there are probably several other words I could have just used right there).

Recently, the word of the day was coprolite. To my ear, coprolite sounds like some sort of futuristic building material, something one might find on the space shuttle or in the lining of a bulletproof vest. As it turns out, however, coprolite is a word meaning fossilized excrement or- as one might say on the streetz- seriously old shit.

Delighted by this new word, I decided to investigate a bit and found that if you find yourself in Yorkshire, England, you see 1000 year-old Viking coprolite on display at the JORVIK Viking Centre (note: the level of excitement I am feeling right now just knowing that somewhere in the world there is a viking center is something for another post altogether). Scientists have analyzed the Viking shit and determined that the Vikings, despite all their apparent hard living, appear to have enjoyed a balanced diet that included lots of vegetables like leeks, cabbages, and beans. The scientists go on to say that the Vikings most likely acheived their “5-a-day” target, which I first thought referred to going #2 five times a day (impressive at any time in history if you ask me) but turns out refers to having 5 servings of vegetables a day (not as fun).

I was surprised to find that the Vikings managed to find time for such healthy eating, you know, what with all the raping and pillaging and stuff they were up to (by all accounts, they could be total dicks sometimes). And as for the five shits a day- I still say if anyone could have pulled it off it would have been the Vikings. Those were some mofos who really lived life to the fullest. Just look at the helmets- it really seems like it was good times all the time with that bunch. Who’s with me?

Getting back to the Viking crap, however, I am happy to report that it is on permanent display at the JORVIK Viking Centre according to their website, which I guess isn’t really all that surprising. I mean, after all, who’s gonna wanna move that shit?

Another word I enjoyed recently through AWAD e-mails was pusillanimous, which means “lacking courage; timid,” which is to say “to be a pussy.” Some people frown upon using the word pussy in every day speech (you know, cuz it seemingly refers to lady parts), but now that we know it’s true derivation we can say it with confidence. Am I right or am I right? Thanks, AWAD- you guys are totally not pussies! Keep up the good work!

Friday, July 11, 2008

The Dave Hill Explosion: Thursday, July 17 At The UCB Theatre. You Should Totally Come.

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that on Thursday, July 17 at 9:30pm, I will once again be touching hearts, minds, and several people in the front row at what critics are already calling "easily the most accurate and heartfelt portrayal of life in rural Georgia in the 1930s since 'The Color Purple.'" I honestly don't know how I do it sometimes. I am not even from there. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that next week I am totally going to do my Dave Hill Explosion show and it is really going to be something. As you can probably imagine, I am pretty excited about it. I've done a whole bunch of Explosions by now and I can sort of honestly say that this one is going to be even incredibler than all the other ones (which- to be fair- were already pretty incredible. I mean, like, for real). In fact, I was just telling my doctor about some of the stuff I am totally cooking up for this Explosion and he was all like "Senator Hill, you can't do that- it's not safe and I'm pretty sure it's not even legal" And then I was all like "Yeah, what do you know about safe and legal? And what's with the cowboy hat?" Then I put my pants back on, collected my free toothbrush and mini toothpaste at the front desk, and got the hell out of there. Anyway, I really hope you can come to my show. In addition to all the incredible stuff I am going to break out on motherf@#kers without even trying, I am also going to have some seriously great guests on my show that night, including but not necessarily limited to the lovely and talented Lucy Wainwright Roche and the lovely and talented Martha Plimpton. And, of course, my sidebitch Phil will be there in all his house arrest bracelet-wearing glory. As mentioned earlier, it is really going to be something. You can totally get tickets right here.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Possibly Gay Cowboy Now Living In My Home

Today I decided to take a short break from whatever the hell it is that I do all day and do a little shopping. Somewhere along the way I stopped into the Kid Robot store on Prince street and picked up the cowboy above. I’m not really “into toys,” but occasionally I’ll pick one up just to break up the day a little bit and then later have sitting around on my desk next to unpaid bills and other really grownup stuff. Anyway- getting back to the cowboy- I think he totally might be gay. I’m not positive, but I will say that he has been looking at me funny ever since I took him out of the box. Either way, he sure is keeping things fun around here. And as it turns out, the cowboy has a bunch of friends too, most of whom look like they too may very well prefer the company of men. I guess maybe I’ll pick up a few more next time and see what happens when I put them all up there on the shelf together without supervision. They will probably totally gay it up I'm guessing. I mean seriously- look at that goatee. That is one seriously gay cowboy if you ask me.

Monday, July 07, 2008

More Valley Lodge Hits

Hi. Mondays. Tell me about it. Anyway, I posted another new Valley Lodge rock song from our incredible forthcoming, as-yet-to-be-titled second album on our MySpace page. This new song is called "My Baby" and it's about chicks and stuff. It's fourth on the playlist there. I also added one of our old hits, "If It Takes All Night," to our MySpace page too. That song is about chicks too. Anyway, if you haven't already, please swing by and check out some of the rock jams. You're into rocking, right? I mean, c'mon- quit fucking with me.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

The Magic Of The Internet

Hi there. Thursdays, am I right? Anyway, here is a great page on the futuristic Fuzz.com website that I, Dave Hill, sometimes totally contribute to. Check that shit out now or I'll stab you, especially the "20 Bands Who Need To Go The Fuck Away Now" piece, which is really funny and totally something I didn't write.

In other news, my friend Gary sent me the video above. I think this video is going to start a trend. Ignore the "free porn" link. This isn't porn so don't go freaking out.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Stomp!: The Video

A little while back my friends David Rakoff, Martha Plimpton, Chris Schneider, Miles Kahn, and I made this video chronicling mine and David's attempts at forming the world's greatest two-man percussive dance theatre troupe, like, ever. Please watch it now and then make everyone you know watch it and then have those people make everyone they know watch it, sort of like that shampoo commercial or something. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this video so much. It pretty much has everything.

Gelmania Tonight, Dammit

Hi. You like fun, right? Good. I totally thought so. Anyway, tonight I am hosting the excellent Gelmania show at Rififi, which is over there at 332 11th Street here in the Big City. It's a great lineup- Fred Armisen, Jessi Klein, Chelsea Peretti, Kumail Ali, and Sean Patton. And then I will be talking and whatnot in between each performer. All of that for just five bucks. You should totally come. Look- I am on the flyer and everything.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Now That's What I Call Norwegian Black Metal

The incredible Norwegian Heavy Metal band Gorgoroth played a concert in Krakow, Poland in 2004 that pretty much had everything- severed sheep heads all over the stage, naked chicks (and dudes) covered in blood and hanging from crosses (with hoods over their heads- nice touch), fire, you name it. The singer Gaahl is one of the scariest dudes I have witnessed in recent memory. Seriously,he's one crazy motherfucker. But you know what? I just can't stay mad at him. Anyway, now you can buy a DVD of the show so you can watch it at home with the family and stuff. Here is Gorgoroth playing their hit single "Possessed (By Satan)," which is pretty much their "Pride (In The Name of Love)" if you ask me. These guys are seriously onto something. Keep up the good work, Gorgoroth! Your hard work has been noted by me, Dave Hill. I realize that must feel pretty darn good.

The King Of Miami On iTunes

Hi. How are you? I am fine. Thanks so much for asking. I just wanted to let you know that my brilliant but cancelled television program "The King of Miami," which is coming to in the futuristic high-definition format courtesy of those crazy motherfuckers over at the MOJO Network, is now totally available on iTunes. Yay! Now you can watch me and my friend Phil hanging and banging in Miami pretty much any time you want. I know, this is pretty incredible news. Just pull yourself together. Anyway, I hope you enjoy my program in this incredible new format. You can watch it on your computer, your iPod, and probably in some other format that I am totally not aware of because I rarely leave the house. The future is now! You're welcome.