It is 90 degrees and raining here. I mean, come on already. We don’t do this in California. I also broke my sunglasses on the plane.

But I have learned something already on my second trip to the Quad Cities! I apologize ye of the Cities of Four, as I have unfairly mocked you for naming FIVE cities as 4. But as is typical, California arrogance ignores the facts.

As you can clearly see, there are 2 cities in Iowa (Davenport, Bettendorf) and 2 in Illinois (Moline, Rock Island). Who the fuck decided East Moline gets to call itself No. 5?

Sounds to me like some shady Illinoisians are working some shit to tip the balance of power in their favor. Probably some Chicago power brokers looking to make shit move. Even Wikipedia is on their side— “East Moline is one of the five Quad Cities,” it says. I am calling bullshit on that.

Watch your back, Iowa. I see you, East Moline. Not on my watch.

As an aside, Rock Island is a fucking awesome name for a town, and it is twice as badass because they have a freaking arsenal. But as good as that name is, Bettendorf is its opposite in town names, carved in the purest awfulness. The town may be lovely, but that name is really bad.