Thursday, November 13, 2014

Smart Hat, Dumb Idea

When it comes to hating cyclists, there's only one country on the planet that rivals the United States. Don't know who it is? I'll give you three hints: they've got a nationwide mandatory helment law, they're most commonly associated with marsupials, and their most valuable cultural export is the work of Yahoo Serious.

That's right, I'm talking about Australia, a.k.a. "The Land Frumunda."

Indeed, I'd argue that when it comes to oppressing cyclists Australia is number one, thanks mostly to the fact that it's only one of two countries in the entire world (the other being New Zealand) that forces all adult cyclists to wear foam hats. So if any country is going to take the next (il)logical step and institute mandatory bicycle licensing and registration, it's bound to be our cyclist-hating cousins in the southern hemisphere.

There's a lot of dumb shit in this world, but it's rare that you're presented with something so sublimely moronic that it borders on art. Of course, you wouldn't expect much from an Australian designer--indeed the very term "Australian designer" holds about as much promise as "kosher wine" or "triathlete bike-handling skills." Still, there's an odd elegance to the underlying concept here, which is basically this:

Let's turn people's heads into cars.

And yes, in case you're wondering, it does have a windshield wiper:

If you're a New Yorker old enough to remember squeegee men, just imagine a dystopian future in which they come back and ply their trade on Smart Hat-wearing cyclists. Worst of all, you couldn't even run the light to escape them, because traffic cameras would photograph the license plate on the back of your head.

Existing helmets afford little protection to the cyclist in a collision and are not designed to the same standard as other motor vehicle helmets.

Existing cycle helmets do not address any technical issues of integrating modern, electronic safety devices, data, or even standard road use indicators that are compulsory on all road registered vehicles, namely: illuminated front and rear turn indicators, brake lights, rear running lights, head light of appropriate brightness to other road users or rear view mirrors.

What, no back-up camera?

Also:

Apart from safety considerations, it is desirable to be able to identify cyclists to make them accountable for their behavior in a similar way to drivers of motor vehicles.

Oh, so you mean "not at all?"

Of course not, because everybody knows it's the cyclists causing all the trouble out there, hence the need to clamp this sci-fi nightmare onto our heads:

Ideally, cyclists would be registered. Before now, there has been no system available, which is readily adaptable and practical for cyclists in this regard. It is the object of this product concept to attempt to rectify at least some of the deficiencies of existing practices in conjunction with regulatory authorities and associated organisations.

And yes, the local government is totally into it--which, if this is a hoax, is totally awesome:

The concept has the backing of Mosman councillor Simon Menzies who said it would also provide a solution for commuter cyclists to be registered and able to showcase their registration number.“People who use it as a mode of transport should be registered and insured,” Cr Menzies said.“Every other road user pays for registration and it should not be any different.”

Really, "every other road user pays for registration?" Pedestrians use the road. DO THE PEDESTRIANS PAY FOR REGISTRATION? DO THEY???

Actually, probably best not to point that out, lest they make pedestrians clamp on the "Smart Hat" too.

Anyway, the whole thing is so offensively idiotic that even the guy who came up with the idea is afraid to be associated with it:

But Mr King acknowledged the proposal was controversial, saying he would prefer to keep his name out of the public eye in case of any backlash from cyclists against the idea of compulsory registration.

Oh would you now, designer Toby King?

He seems oddly concerned with privacy for a man whose come up with an electronic hat that tracks cyclists.

Maybe it is a hoax.

I hope it's a hoax.

Meanwhile, commenter CommieCanuk shared this video yesterday, which indicates that aging daredevil Lucas Brunelle has moved on to the "running into shit on purpose" phase of his career:

Yes, when it's raining and and you're approaching an intersection while riding in the shoulder, what you want to do is maintain a high rate of speed and ignore the van with its blinker on:

By the way, I'm pretty sure he told the driver "that was good," which leads me to suspect that Brunelle is less a would-be daredevil and more just a good old-fashioned masochist.

I'm also pretty sure he's the inspiration behind the "Smart Hat," which would explain a lot:

I've never been to Awlstralia do the cops really chase you down and give you a ticket for no styrofoam hat? Or is more like the seat belt thing here in the states where you have to be commiting various other infractions at the time to score the helment citation?

The bike hat won't need a license plate. The Aussies are going to first require that everyone get an implantable chip that sends traffic violations directly to your smart phone whenever you exceed the speed limit, run a light, or fail to register yourself as bike user.

The lefties will support it because they want to relieve everyone of their filthy money thru fees and fines and make sure there are no free-riding libertarians in the world. The right wingers will support it because they can make money producing the tracking products.

The bike hat won't need a license plate. The Aussies are going to first require that everyone get an implantable chip that sends traffic violations directly to your smart phone whenever you exceed the speed limit, run a light, or fail to register yourself as bike user.

The lefties will support it because they want to relieve everyone of their filthy money thru fees and fines and make sure there are no free-riding libertarians in the world. The right wingers will support it because they can make money producing the tracking products.

Just how much would a cyclist have to pay for the dumb hat, and the registration? And then, everyone would like totally match, and that would be dumb. Just go back to letting kangaroos kick you in the head.

WCRM,If indeed the Samrt hat is not a hoax, it won't be long before the Australian government sees to it pedestrians are similarly registered and protected at the same time. Because drop bears are real. They are very real.

Every user of the road should be registered ... bla bla bla.So does that mean congressional... I mean Parlementarian Florsheims have to be registered? Will there be fines issued for using gravel shoes on pavement?

The die A gram for the helment has a reference to an "eTag"... gee what rights to any privacy could be violated with that thingy? Maybe it's for their version of EZ Pass? Road use tax?

If that helment becomes mandatory "down there" I suggest it's OK for some Blackwater operation to rid the country of it. Helementary Regime change.

Actually, I think it's logical for cyclists to pay a registration to cover the cost of wear and tear on the road system equal to the wear and tear your average bicycling cycle does to the road. I think that should come out to roughly $0.00USD per year.

To summarize today's post (minus all the snide, funny stuff): That smart hat is fucking stupid and offensive and Doucheass Brunelle is a fucktard whose elaborate and kludgy helment-cam system served as the inspiration for the smart hat. The sooner both disappear, the better off we will be.

McFly - Why did you have to bring Kim K into this? I hate her and her stupid fat ass. Up to this point, this blog has been a Kim K-free refuge in a world awash with Kardashians. Now she and her stupid fat ass have invaded this dark corner of the internet too. Dammit!

we already do. that canard about motor vehicle users paying for the roads with their gas tax is bullshit. gas tax funds about 30% of highway expenditures.

cars are getting away easy. double the registration of anything over 4,000 lbs.

And while I'm on a roll, start taxing on pollution per mile instead of regulating parts per million. if that means i have to pay extra flatulence tax while pedaling, so be it. I'm figuring that'll come to 199 dong or so.

...and, start charging gas tax as a % instead of a flat amount per gallon. Of course, they should've done that $2/gallon ago.

Spend some of that money reminding people that the roads are part of the tax-supported socialist system and NOT supported entirely by gas tax and vehicle registration. Also, bikes are allowed on roads.

I will buy 10 blue jerseys if you get them out by Xmas, only kidding I need just one but please make it in blue, and how about a feel good story tomorrow, all this cycling oppression brings me down, and as always down the middle

I hate her and her stupid fat ass. Up to this point, this blog has been a Kim K-free refuge in a world awash with Kardashians. Now she and her stupid fat ass have invaded this dark corner of the internet too. Dammit!

I had to look up who this person was, and why she is famous. Turns out there is no go reason for her to be famous, with the possible exception of dat fine ass.

And Billy, to have 40 some odd years and thousands of pedaling miles under ones belt and not have figured out how to not end up on the deck unnecessarily (or not put pedestrians with the right of way onto it) seems sad. Or idiotic. Or both, if that's possible.

Dear Kanye - I did not mean to imply that Kim's ass is literally stupid. It's more of a figure of speech intended to indicate that I really don't like her or her ass. I know that you totally dig her, butt to each their own.

Some clarifications are necessary to facilitate an enhanced appreciation of today's Snobby post.

1) there's actually three countries in the world with mandatory helmet law: Aust, NZ and of course the United Arab Emirates.

2) Yahoo Serious and that crocodile dick are much more popular in foreign countries that aren't Australia than they are here. Like that other crocodile dick who got punctured by a stingray, they're virtual unknowns in Australia.

3) the " you wouldn't expect much from an Australian designer" quip could be said of any nation's designers, but it should be noted Marc Newson (or Newsom or Nuisance or something) is a much lauded Australian designer who quite recently hooked up with that Jony Ive fellow at Apple where they hang out being cool designers together and shit.

4) Australia is renowned for its wine. Has been for decades. If however, by "kosher wine" you mean religiously sanctified wine; bugger off. Keep religion outta stuff.

5) it's not a hoax. As much as it pains me to admit it, it needs to be said; it is not a fucking hoax! How could this happen? The first thing you need to understand is that the Mosman council area is inhabited by trophy wives and retired corrupt businessmen. The idle rich. They latch on to crap like this because they need something novel to fill their empty lives with and they've been exposed to such perversity and transgression over the years they've become incapable of recognising how thoroughly preposterous this stupid hat is.

6) Toby King will be flushed out and publicly humiliated; stay tuned...

"when it's raining and and you're approaching an intersection while riding in the shoulder, what you want to do is maintain a high rate of speed and ignore the van with its blinker on." apparently, Brunelle is not only a tool, he's a fool. speaking from personal experience too, so no fault for calling it out - Aggro in the rain usually ends poorly.

Store runs on an upright, Lucas. Riders as fit as he is should still be able to pull the mid 20s on a Schwinn beach cruiser.

The bicycle lobby groups encourage the government to increase the fines and for the police to enforce the law even more stringently (if that's possible).

The police LOVE to give out helmet fines - it's low hanging fruit. It's a $153 fine. They get to give out little sermons as well.

The Australian cyclists love their helmet laws and the sanctimonious wankers cheer on the police encouraging them to fine anyone who doesn't fit their helmet centric view with the old canard "don't do the crime if you don't want to do the time".

For fucks sake - it's riding a fucking bicycle, not some type of fucking death defying stunt.

Somescranus needs to get on the tweeter and ask Lucas Brunelle why he hasn't upgraded from Betamax to HD? It's hilarious when 20-somethings and younger are always asking him that and he can't come up with a response.

As an Australian, I fully endorse this ridicule of the Smart Hat. Mandatory helmet laws have been a contentious issue in Australia for decades, and despite the fact that public heath experts from around the world keep coming up with more evidence that MHLs create more health issues by discouraging people from cycling, there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

Being pro-cycling in Australia at the moment is political suicide. Rupert Murdoch's entire country-wide suite of media organisations is hell-bent on getting rid of cyclists altogether, either by tax, registration, ridicule, legislation, or simply by emboldening drivers in running cyclists down. Sydney city council has been copping it pretty badly over the last few years by the Murdoch press over their commitment to cycle lanes and bicycle infrastructure, and the papers won't stop until all those lanes are given right back to cars.

The issue is just so stupid. Every day it seems there's another article in one of Murdoch's tabloid rags talking about how cyclists should be registered, how they are a menace on the roads (one Queensland police officer recently publicly called cyclists 'cockroaches on wheels'), and how there's too many of them, how there's never any of them on the bike paths, and how they're freeloading off the taxpayer, when the direct reverse is true: Australian taxpayers foot the bill by a discrepancy of AU$17 billion for the costs of fuel subsidies and road building and repair.

The anecdotal evidence is that people feel safer cycling in Manhattan than they do in Sydney's CBD. Maybe it's to do with the narrow lanes, lack of bike lanes, and the self-righteous, entitled drivers passing within a hair's width just so they don't lose those valuable 3 seconds before they have to stop at the next traffic lights.

Well it finally happened again. Yesterday I was bikecycle commuting home from work into full on blizzard conditions. It was snowing so hard I couldn't see exactly where I was going and fell off my bike landing squarely on my schnoz. I'm fairly sure it didn't break so that's good. No bleeding from the inside only on the out.

Of course I wasn't wearing a plastic hat. If I was I'm sure it would have pivoted my head back moving the impact point of the blow to my chin/jaw area. Nose tissue gives a bit. Teeth do not.

RCT- you bent freaks are a defiant group...as much shit as most cyclists get for the wearing of the lycra, you guys get double for the funny bikes...but what are you doing in a blizzard? It's hard enough to see you as it is, in spite of jaunty fluorescent pennants

Before biking home through freezing rain last night (didn't see that coming) a lady on the elevator at work said, with a thick Eastern European accent "Oh, you are biking?" Innocent enough. Follow up is why I hate Brunell "So are, cyclists supposed to follow the rules for cars or pedestrians? because I see many who don't follow any" and blah blah blah. If she could, she would have strapped that Ozzie Azz helment on me in a heartbeat.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!