Forget 'Dislike' – here are 12 new buttons Facebook really needs

Or at least something like it, for people to “express empathy” for status updates they feel awkward about liking – from people posting about the death of a loved one to news stories about crises.

“Not every moment is a good moment,” said Mark Zuckerberg, as he confirmed that work had begun on an alternative.

Why stop there, though? The average Facebook feed is full of stories begging responses beyond “Like” or even “Dislike”. If you’re reading, Zuck, here are some more candidates for shipping as soon as possible. Please.

1. ‘U OK hun?’

Sounds similar to the empathy button being worked on by Facebook, but for many of us this would play a different role: a coded “stop moaning” for friends who can’t stop posting passive-aggressive complaints.

2. ‘I’ve had better in Wimpy’

Tough love for friends who just can’t stop posting their Instagram burger shots.

3. ‘Mum, step AWAY from the emoji keyboard’

“That’s enough smilies and dancing ladies for this week. And btw that’s not a happy brown ice cream.”

4. ‘That’s racist’

As ideal for friends sharing far-right memes as it is for the latest unpleasant news story. This button even ships with its own GIF.

5. ‘Dad, this is obviously a hoax’

“Remember that conversation we had about checking Snopes before sharing?”

6. ‘Emotional blackmail’

For when you don’t want your sympathy for sick children/endangered animals to be measured on whether you share a bad-fonted infographic with dodgy grammar.

7. ‘I DON’T PLAY CANDY CRUSH ANY MORE AND I HAVE NO LIVES TO GIVE’

“But can you help me unlock the emo goose in Crossy Road?”

8. ‘I give it a year’

A short, sharp burst of cynicism for the 374 wedding shots that just appeared in your feed. Even better when deployed by the parents.

9. ‘It’s raining here I hate you’

Catch-all response for any photograph that includes a blue sky, water, a cocktail and a pair of legs.

10. ‘Your baby looks like all the other babies!’

Harsh, but they’ll thank you for it. Eventually.

11. ‘Clickbait’

Those made-for-viral slideshows won’t downrate themselves. Approximately 4.7 seconds after this article is published, someone will suggest this button for the Guardian in the comments.