Recently there have been these signs up going around campus asking what to do about our student binge drinking culture. Quite frankly they stunk of the kind of “pat yourself on the back group hug” bullshit that certainly won’t help solve this problem. Why? Because WE are the god-damn problem. Every single one of us who have ever spent a single dollar at Re:Fuel,The Cook and Liquorland are part of the problem.

“But I don’t binge drink. I’m not the problem” Shut The Fuck Up. Yes. Yes you are. Every drink you buy at these places makes it cheaper for them to do shit like Pint Night and stuff like that which turn getting drunk into an “event” rather then an altered state caused by having far too much alcohol in your bloodstream which in turn gives people an excuse to go out on the waste thereby promoting the drinking culture in dunedin.

Writing a few nice phrases about how something should be done on a board will not cut the mustard.

The only way to do it is to firstly stop drinking at these places then to cut down on your drinking altogether (otherwise we’d just be moving the problem) and finally to encourage others to do the same.

(no,before you ask I don’t support prohibition. It,like the current cannabis prohibition was an incredibly retarded idea. Instead I am suggesting that you voluntary stop drinking to stop making the current situation in Dunedin any worse then it already is.)

the other day at student health while in the waiting line to get my colon evacuated after a particularly brutal night on the cough syrup I noticed a charming wee pamphlet

is my drinking ok? they’re probably talking about alcohol and not robotripping, so I do the quiz. it’s not fun like a facebook quiz because the end results aren’t “the vegetable you have the most in common with is – pumpkin” or “what ex shortland street star do you wish to date – robyn malcom” but they are “serious”

what kind of questions do they ask? questions like “how often you wake up needing a drink?”, and how often do you wake up feeling guilty after drinking?”. now that question is unfair because I always wake up from a drinking session feeling guilty regardless; but maybe that’s because of my answers to “how often are you unable to remember the night before?” combined with “how often do you injure someone as a result of drinking?”

anyway, come to the end of the pamphlet, the finishing line

and it reads like a horrorscope. “your drinking will cause you problems” and there you have it. our future predicted. it’s pretty gloomy I reckon. what about the fun times I have causing problems?

as a slightly serious note, the “problem” with this test, is while it might point out some issues, it’s just not realistic. according to another page the maximum drinks for one session is six (men) and four (woman) and during one week is twenty one (men) and fourteen (woman). those numbers are probably based on evidence. but asking students to not have more than four/six drinks in a session just causes a laugh. I know it’s what should be happening, but the theory/practice gap is so large that it’s pointless. but they can’t really advocate drinking more than that and saying thats ok….

maybe we should just smoke weed instead. if I have six beers and a fat bowl I feel pretty alright and if it’s good enough for me it’s good enough for our children

I actually came across this by accident this week. I intended to pick it up from somewhere else, but I saw it while marching to the toilet before my 9am lecture. I didn’t know it circulated this widely but lessons can be learnt any day but sunday and that’s not today.

it’s really quite tempting to say something about the cover. to make a comment about the article of internet memes. it really infuriates me so much, on so many different levels for so many different reasons that I’m afraid I can’t make comment because I know I won’t be able to do my absolute hatred justice

so they’re renaming re-o week to take two. “a rose by any other name is still a rose” is a famous quote which, while it hits the nail on the head, fails to describe the depth of the situation. see whether otago likes it or not, it’s reputation is drunken parties. degrees come a distant second I’m sorry. the drug of the nation is being consumed at an ever increasing rate and the only thing to do is to join it. renaming it won’t have prevented the castle street keg party last night, and it won’t prevent first years from losing their date-rape virginities either. effort in a different way… maybe?

but what about the rest of the magazine? it’s somewhat reassuring to know that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I think I said that in the last post but maybe it’s getting through to you. see some of the columns are new! fantastic I can hear the angels singing.

there’s an obsessive compulsive “red shoes diary” fan who writes for a column called “AV’S SWEET” and it’s name is emma tate. she likes tv. waaay to much apparently. not smart enough to download tv though, just stream it, and not smart enough to write a column worth reading. anyone who has enough time to watch the shit she gloats about doesn’t deserve my time nor my semen

“what maketh the man?” by kavi chetty. an article about moustaches. I’m gonna call his bluff and say that he wrote this article purely from a perspective of admiration for something retro, but without actually having the balls to do anything about it. does kavi have a moustache? I’m betting no, and if I’m right then I’m also right about his propensity for touching other men’s scrotums. personally I have a moustache. in a technical sense anyway.

“oooh snap!” I am so glad the unitards have some kind of extra outlet on top of facebook for posting pictures of themselves drunk. “hey look at me I’m contributing to the nation’s disgrace, can’t you see I’m drunk!”

there was a higher than normal proportion of articles about murder and fighting and death and punching and all things that seem horrible. I guess it’s good that there is information getting out there, but where are the outlets for the anger built up from finals?

page 55 have a nice wee third page ad about brazilian waxes just below a nerd article. who plans this magazine? the pirate bay going “legit” is an interesting concept, although what affect it will have on the greater torrent community is uncertain. I know that most people are moving away from the public sites (pirate bay, mininova etc) to private and even secret trackers. harder to get stung. personally I’m surprised NZ doesn’t have it’s own one, it’s about time. everyone knows that copyright holds the public back and that’s it’s only real goal is to increase the wealth gap between the rich and the poor! the only war is class war my friend. so who wants to come with me to get a brazilian?

just before doing the recycling like the amazing citizen than I am, I realised I had not read – and consequently destroyed – the paper. either the star or d scene. I’d tackle the ODT but critic apparently has a (shitty) monopoly on that, and that would require spending funds on it. if you want to buy it for me, you’re welcome of course

buy from the rob roy dairy so they can afford to buy more ads please

apparently people like to urinate all up and down baldwin street, and in fact this guy here was caught defecating near the top. when questioned, he told the police he was trying to have a “turd race”.. wtf? seriously need more than one turd to have a race

and then this old guy complains about students getting killed! I mean, my heart goes out to the students who died here 8 years ago playing a wicked drunken stunt, but he is offended and not at all proud. if you didn’t want to be a life saver mate maybe you should have lived in a different house mate.

this old guy apparently is having something to do with getting in bands etc for the new stadium. but because it’s so ridiculously big, they can’t have anyone, only people like elton john.. elton john in dunedin? maybe, but look at what he said, rap and metal out of the question? you’ve lost me. you’ve lost me as a patron for good

this is from d scene. they go around on the weekend taking photos of drunks and ask them for quotes. but mainly, how terrible is their printing? I look at them and think “something is wrong, oh it’s shittily printed”. why is that acceptable?
take these two sluts for example
I only assume they are sluts due to their makeup, going so far as to put blue eyeliner in their eyes! well maybe, or perhaps d scene has terrible terrible printing presses, my god this is apalling
that said, they could be still be sluts..

and then there is this

compulsory face stretching

if I was making an ad to do with superficial physical appearance, I’d keep my basic proportions, in proportion

So I’m just a kid right, new to the whole bar scene. But don’t be fooled, I’m adaptable, I’ve gotten into it like a fish in water. Or as it be fresher in a pool of booze and barf.

This whole bar scene is very exciting, Im not a major piss fiend myself but I enjoy a social drink or two. And I rock some moves on the D floor. I have however seen the hard core piss fiends that seem to really enjoy getting so fucked up they cant even walk… with their scrumpy bottles attached to their hands, lying on the vomit covered ground. Sick fucks. Anywho. As you can see I think binge drinking is a really big issue in Dunedin. Otago is really seen as a party uni and that you can get by hungover. Some of you may find it really fun getting wasted and having to get a new liver later on in life but I think a few people are on my track and enjoy maybe one or two drinks and a fun night dancing. But those money hungry bar owners wont take that shit.

You may remember a while ago the bowler did this deal in which you would get a cheaper deal buying 5 or 6 of one drink than you would only buying 1 or 2. So the bargin deal makes us think we HAVE to get 6. Then suddenly your left with 6 drinks all at the same time that you have to skull down. The DCC went down hard on this as uni students were getting really fucked up and smashing shit. Now most money hungry bars would take this as a warning and most did until they came up with this new plot. Now this one is tricky to see through. Ten bar has a surcharge of $5 they put at the door. At first I was like “what the fuck makes 10 bar so fucking special!?” I mean they have sticky floors and urine/vomit covered toilets just like the rest of the bars. Why should I pay $5 to listen to the same music that’s in every other place? Then the bouncer kindly informed me that you got a free tequilla shot with it. I was interested a his definition that the shot was “free”.

But was it really? I was paying $5 to get in… And then getting a drink. Seems a bit fishy to me. What if I was sober driver for my friends?? I paid to get into the bar, and then their offering me this free shot. Whats a kid to do? And the choice of a shot was really a masterful one. As most people want some other drink after to get the rancid taste of tequila out of thier mouth. This is just asking for uni students to go in and get fucked up and smash some shit. But they’ve done it in this cunning way called a “surcharge”
Just wait man, my prediction is that soon every bar will have a “surcharge” that come with a “free” drink and then the worst will happen. Soon there will just be surcharges with no drink!!! Say no now dunedin!! We don’t want to be Sydney!!!!
BOYCOT THE SURCHARGE
Thanks for reading. LOL

why have I asterisked this critic cavern? because this date is slightly misleading. this isn’t an old approach to last weeks but an advanced “critique” of their forthcoming “edition”. why do I have this? I have a feeling someone on the inside of critic feels a threat. to be honest I don’t know how I got this new “episode” early but it’s proving to be to be quite the revealing “installment”

well would you look at this. finally some recognition! it’s not really surprising that once critic got wind of the massacre that they’d be lining up to kiss my sweet ass. I do like their positive spin on how I view them, but I am slightly disappointed that anyone who reads that will have no idea what this site is, with no url to guide them… but big props (to us) for getting into the quotes section too. very humble critic..

but I wonder if they thought their new found love would mean maybe they’d be left alone or treated nicer.. as tempting as it would be to be a reasonable human being, this is the internet and that just won’t do.. plus they insulted my advanced form of punctuation – see I don’t believe in capital letters at the start of a sentence. down with traditions

so what else do we have this week? well the editorial consists of physical proof that the editor has little else to do than to complete facialbook quizzes and then employ the results from f’book’s finest “scienticians” (I’m p.sure amy stole that word from me..) to excuse their bias reporting of exec gossip. but let us be honest, other than critic and the execs themselves, who gives a fuck?

binge drinking is once again being portrayed in a negative light, since some fuckers decided to get on the waste and get in a fight on the union, and some other student gets too reckless at the casino. where are all the positive reports of binge drinking? well actually they do have an article on the hyde street binge a thon. sometimes I wonder if the people promoting “moderated” drinking should try an experiment. hold a keg party like the hyde street one, but limit everyone to 6 drinks. see how much more “fun” it is, and then reassess their goals. eitherway fags who get drunk and start fights are fucking losers and they deserve to have their names published. maybe if we all took mdma instead this wouldn’t happen? and I guess campus watch deserves some credit for stopping the fight. although they probably tried to plant cannabis on the kids who got beaten up

there’s some article on local music. probably a good thing. didn’t read it though, I only listen to fast crew. another article on futurology. I’d recommend only reading the last section of it. why? because it’s the only section I read.

turns out neal barber is gay, although I thought barbers were the straight ones and it was hairdressers that were gay? either way this guy strokes the cock, but isn’t ashamed of it. that’s something I’d like to download.

there’s an article somewhere about south dunedin. too much detail man. south dunedin is horrible and really I like to not think about it as much as possible. it’s so depressing to drive through and I can’t even imagine taking the bus there, being stuck without immediate vacatory abilities would leave me teary, and not the kind of teary that makes me look sensitive, but the kind of teary that comes before a fatal pancreatic stabbing

there’s some article about fashion too. now anyone generally who attempts to be on the edge of fashion always looks like a tool. current fashion trends have grown this doucheness to a whole ‘nother level though. but despite the potential positive approach to terrible fashion we could have had, we have a derision of a practical environmentally friendly form of transport. shame on your macmurdo. the other comments though are relatively spot on, expect maybe about the girls. I guess macmurdo fails by only viewing fashion from a fashion point of view. he does not realise that the girls that wear normal tops and tights – that while they may be committing a fashion faux pas – are actually giving the guys at uni something else to perv at. and don’t worry, we never get tired of checking out bitches (note – girls referred to as “bitches” may or may not actually be bitches, it’s a term of endearment)

is there anything else worth discussing? well I’ve already discussed at depth past the part of critic that has anything interesting, so no. they have no comics that I can find which is possibly a good move given the state of the comical world usually, but disappointing in the sense that bad comics are still more “entertaining” (as in, time consuming) than no comics.

so ‘thanks’ critic for the love and the ‘mutual love’ that we share, although further investigation would show to anyone that our relationship is more like one where we’re an abusive partner and they’re the abused mistress who is convinced that we are truly meant for each other, and that when I abuse them, it’s actually because I love them – maybe they’re right, or maybe they’re damn wrong. no-one will ever know