Cogitations On The Web; Diary Of a Nigerian Girl

Someone on my twitter timeline started talking about her crushes and what age she started. She says even at age 6, she knew what it meant to have a crush.

I say it took me 10 more years to do what she's started at a young age. I have no idea why that happened.

Actually, I do have a bit of an idea. That last statement is a white lie and here's why...

I grew up with my mother as all my sisters who are very much older had left for the UK. I was in strong and capable hands.

Even before I reached the age of puberty, I knew the things you did when you reached puberty. My mum was very blunt about these things and she succeeded in grossing me out. She went the 'guilt tripping' route and would accuse me of allowing some boy/man stick his finger in my panties. (Till today, when I think of the way she says it, I cringe).

Another time, we had gone to visit a friend of hers who had a son about my age. When we got back home, she said that someone had told her he'd seen her friend's son and I on the bed, and the boy had had his pants down. I was barely ten.

Another day, she said she'd seen me smiling with one of the guys who lived in our compound and she was certain I was smiling with him because I'd allowed him do things he shouldn't be doing to me. Once again, I don't think I'd started secondary school here. It got so bad that I got too scared to talk to anyone in the area nor have friends ( which I wasn't very keen on anyway, because I disliked the area we'd moved to).

Knowingly or unknowingly, my mother had succeeded in putting me off 'discovering what puberty was and what it meant to become a woman'. So you can imagine how worse it got when I started my period ( that's a post for another day).

As such, I became too serious for my age. I never had any crushes, nor talked of boyfriends, let alone having one. Reminiscing with old friends, I got very surprised when I heard that in my primary school and junior secondary, people were having 'boyfriends/girlfriends' and were experimenting with kissing. I thought I didn't grow up in such environment but apparently, I did. I was just oblivious to the things that were happening around me. STUPIDLY OBLIVIOUS!

In senior secondary, I had a crush and unfortunately, the boy proved my mother right -- "all boys want to do is get in your pants". I'd gone to my crush's house, sat in the living room with his parents who seemed a little interested in my family and what part of Lagos I come from. Shortly after, we went up to his room and yes, his fingers did start to stray. I got up, ran as fast as my legs could take me and headed home. I didn't say anything to my mother because unfortunately, it did prove her right and that would be me setting myself up for punishment. Punishment was usually serious whooping and most times, threat of painting your sore body with freshly ground pepper. She never acted on that threat but somehow, pepper always seemed to be available and in sight. Don't ask me how she ever came up with that.

That was how I left secondary school without so much as a kiss nor a boyfriend. I'd like you to guess what age I got my first kiss.

Don't get me wrong though, I wasn't an SU or whatever they are called. I played HARD. I probably looked like one of those girls who had started out early. I wasn't a recluse and I infact became a relationship counsellor at 15. Please don't ask me how that came about.

Now that I'm much older, I keep thinking if my childhood had an effect on the choices I've made today? Even though I don't think about those things she said. Sometimes I think I'm the way I am because I chose to be? Or??

More on that to come much later.

Have a great week ahead people.
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I one asked a friend if he'd had his HIV test done recently and just after that, I started to feel bad for a number of reasons but more because, regardless of how close a friend I regarded him as, I still felt like I was forcefully and wrongly invading his privacy.

That brought me to ask, as important as the question is in our dealings with people,is it still treated as a taboo?

Now forget the friends, do people with new partners or people who are about to start new relationships ask each other for their HIV status? Its easy to say there's nothing wrong with it because the basis of a relationship is trust. But I'm sure there are still some who would be scared to ask just so they don't bruise any egos.

Do most people even remember?

Should your trust begin after you're aware of their status or before? So would you ask before you kiss then? Seeing as it can be transmitted if the infected party has an open sore on the lip/ in the mouth?

Same as the sickle cell trait. I know someone who is a sickle cell carrier and makes it a point to ask if the guy (whom she's only just started talking to for about a week or so) is a carrier. Her reason being, she'd rather ask before emotions start to run high. Smart girl you'd say. I'd say that's 'ballsy' too. If he already ticks all other boxes, then that's the next step for her.

Honestly, I couldn't bring myself to do that at that point. Unfortunately, we'd have reached that comfort zone before I can ask and that's usually not the best. I'm not saying I won't, I just can't throw it in the 'getting to know you' part of the relationship.

So I ask you, honestly, would you ask you new partner for his/her HIV status before you as much as give him a kiss? Or you the AS carrier, would you be bold enough to ask before you get too comfortable?

As I thought, this one na serious JAMB question.
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Yes its been a little over 365 days since I packed my wannabe uggs and cardies amongst other things into a bin bag and dropped them in front of Òxfam, the charity store. Then I hit the streets and went shopping for white shorts and white tees. I wasn't very lucky finding shorts as summer was wrapping up but I stocked up on tees and made my way down.

A few weeks later, I was sleeping in a bunk bed and sharing a room with 36 other ladies, going 8 days straight without doing a number 2 and waking up at 4am to morning drills.

Seems like yesterday but its been well over 365 days but am I glad its over? Yes I am. Will I miss it? Bits of it. But I thank God I've been a part of it.

Now, as liberating as that sounds, I've been thrown into a world of uncertainty and idleness. Not that I don't have things to go to but when you say you're unemployed, you're automatically idle. And I could go back to my job but that's story for another day.

Where will the wind blow me? Let's see. Whilst I wait, I'll work on my pet project. I'll be discussing that pretty soon! I hope it all works out for the best!

Have a fab weekend people.

Will you be voting tomorrow?

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A colleague at work once said to me, "The first time I met my wife, I knew that was the woman I wanted to marry. I'd only known her the whole of five minutes, but she fit so perfectly into my initial requirements in a woman. All others criteria would follow and we will make them fit". Later on, he went on to say "We made the decision to not have sex till marriage. This went on for almost 3 years till we got married, but in that time I PLAYED very well, satisfied myself and got myself ready for the woman I wanted to marry".

Sounds very weird when you combine all parts of his speech. But then, quite a few points were reiterated for me. Most I hear from people, I never met a man who actually came out to express them.

First, it rang true that men do know if they can marry a woman, upon first meeting. Not to say that its always the case 100 percent of the time but most times when you hear it, best believe it. He never said anything about the cliched 'love at first sight', his was a case of being practical. No lust, no love, just practical.

When a man says 'let's stay off sex, then be rest assured that he's getting it from somewhere else. As a woman, you probably wont feel bad if you set the rule, as you'd expect that, as a man, he needs that 'release' once in a while. But when he sets the rule, you wait for him to explain why. Its one thing to cheat on you to your face, its another to get 'serviced' just because he's keeping the rest of his life for his prized woman. That begs the question, 'so should cheating be condoned?' -- (Gist-post for another day)

Another is the fact that regardless of what happens out there or within himself/family, he has his eyes set on the woman he wants to marry.

The last point then brings to question the authenticity of the following incident. Guy meets girl 4 months after breaking up with his ex (whom he could have proposed marriage to at the time he met the new girl). However, this new girl is perfect or at least, things are going on well between them. Girl senses a bit of hatred between guy and ex, so the break up was not a 'mutual agreement'. Months down the line guy explains to new girl that his ex's family especially her mother and father have been calling him to beg on ex's behalf. They have involved his family and his mother and uncles are on his case. So basically, he's dealing with stuff and 'needs time'. Here's my question, is this guy an exception? One of the ones that are confused about who to go with? Actually his point is not about who to go with, its that its harder to break free when family members have been involved. True or false? You reckon this is true or as with a lot of men, 'hes one of them ones'.

Especially as we live in a world where our relationships are now 'over the waves'. We hardly do much in person. Twitter and BBM have taken over our lives.

Anyways, I digress.

Here's a scenario - people meet, get introduced, exchange pins (as is mostly the case) and kick off! They talk, perhaps ask questions within that process and 'get to know each other'.

Now here's where my problem is, recently I've been accused of 'not asking any questions'. Its happened on more than one occasion hence the reason why its become a bit of a concern. I've been told that I answer questions and don't ask any, which indirectly means I probably don't care. On my part, I'd say that's a bit harsh cos although it might ring true, its never really the case. It got me thinking though, so how do I get to 'know people'. I find that I can't really do the initial interrogation. Probably because it isn't effective for me. So when the questions end, how well do your conversational skills fare from that point? I think I'd rather study people and insert important information where appropriate. Many actually miss the fact one can say a lot or nothing in a conversation, depends on how receptive the person is to 'new entrants' in their lives. That is not to say they aren't 'interested'. So it feels rather weird when I get told "I've been asking all the questions since, I think its your turn now".

How do I deal with that? "Oh ok, so how many siblings do you have? Where do you live? What's your position in the family?" (I actually find that very archaic) but hey, whatever rocks your boat mate!

For me getting to know people involves learning how they think. Its a subconscious thing, I don't need to ask questions. Actually, I'm better off being asked questions cos I can't do the 'About You' speech.

Might seem like brain fart to some but in my mind, I've made a lot of sense. No?
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The other day I said I had a headache and my aunt said 'you need a man in your life toh ma ki e mole ti gbo gbo arun yi ma kuro ni ara e'.

Translation: you need a man in your life so he will 'do you right' and all these illnesses will leave your body.

Direct meaning of "Ki e mole' is give you correct sexing!

My question is how does 'correct sexing' relate with having a headache?

She says I complain a little too much about having a backache, stomach ache or something and that if a man roughened me up a lil, I'd either be immune to all these petty complaints or I'd have a bigger threshold for pain.

I hear you 'ahhing'. Imagine how I felt when I stood there and received the most shocking retort ever.

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Hope y'all are having a good week so far?

Thinking of hoping on this 30day challenge!

Let's go!

Have a Cameron and Strike filled week!
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Not having a car in Nigeria is close to being suicidal. Having one adds to our traffic issues. But what can man do?

Well for me, who never started a car, let alone drove one, I had to learn. I learnt with Uncle Ben and his Beetle cos my cousin wouldn't let me touch his car. So in the 14day learning period that spun over 3 months, I grew muscles in quite a few places. At that, I know that even if its going for 50p I will not buy a manual car. If I end up with one, I'd be driven around. Call me spoilt. That, I can live with.

Now I THINK I can drive. Think being the operative word! When they say "if you know how to drive in Lagos, you can drive anywhere", that's a big bag of crap. If you drive like this anywhere else, you will either fail your test or get arrested with a big fat ticket!! Don't dull!
One thing driving in Lagos helps you with though is offensive driving. When you're in a car chase, you'll fair well cos Lagos driving keeps you thinking the next car is out for you!

Plus you need extra skills to drive in flood and still avoid potholes! Talk about major brain work.

If you think you can out run the danfo guy who's high on grass and the aboki on okada who barely speaks English, I suggest you take the back seat. Literally! And watch the sights and wonders in Lagos.

2 months down the line, they arent official yet, but everything makes it look as though they are. She's met his family apart from his mother and some older, married siblings. She'd met his friends, his cousins been to family gatherings and has been introduced to as many people as the time can manage. The point is, it was never under the rocks. They were out and open with it. In that time, it was all rosy and sweet. They had talked about the exes and how things ended. He broke up with his recent ex (who he was meant to have wedded the month he met her). In their minds, they had been transparent with each other. No fights, no quarrels and the likes. Although it all looked too good to be true, it was all bliss and it seemed like she had reached her last bus stop on the 'search' journey.

Suddenly, it all starts to go awol. The calls reduce, the BB chats start to go vague and the visits practically disappear. My girl asks whats happening? His reason. I'm dealing with some things that I cant talk about. Ok, fine. My girl assumes its just for the moment. The moment turns into 2 months and they have practically become strangers to each other. No fight, nothing and its still under the premise that he is dealing with stuff he can't talk about. He starts to send irregular hellos and how are yous and when he is in town, he never offers to stop by. She is running between patience and anger. Some are saying "leave him, he'll come around and start begging". Others are saying "I think you have the right to tell him to piss off, you're not a carity case".

Its good to be back home. Well, sort of. Lazying about camp sort of has side effects that coming back to a 8-5 doesnt agree with. But still, its good to be back home. The final week in camp was fun actually. I went with a plan and I executed it well. I cant say much about it seeing I'm not so anonymous anymore but it revolved around making someone miserable and I think I did a good job at it.One thing I noticed about the final week was the haste in which everyone got hooked up or wanted to. I, being the back bencher and a very good audience to these scenes had a lot of fun watching. Trust me, its hilarious seeing guys and girls getting all cuddly and mushy, having known each other for a few days. Worse is when you hear stories of the ones who got down to the nitty gritty either behind the camp directors office or anywhere a chair could be placed. Meanwhile, many left boyfriends, girlfriends, fiances and even husbands and wives at home. Pure hilarity, I tell you. But why am I telling you this anyway? I'm sure you've all heard a similar story or the other about the popular 3 week getaway.

In the last post I mentioned that I wanted to ask you guys about 'moving on'. I'm sure everyone has one theory or the other about moving on from a past relationship or an 'almost relationship'. But regardless of the differences in humans and how we handle our emotions, shouldnt there be some set guides that apply to us all?Taking a 4 year old relationship for example, both guy and girl got hurt and the break up is not as a result of a fight or one causing grief to the other. Say, forces outside of the relationship caused the break up, e.g religion or family matters, Health issues or what have you. When is it okay for them to move on? And even after moving other, when is it okay to 'brandish' your new significant other to the world and most importantly to the person you just broke up with.

Take another example. Guy and girl just met, talked a lot, like each other so much but hit a road block and for one reason or the other, they cant progress into a relationshp. Although, if not for the road block which neither of them could handle, she would be a candidate for marriage. Days later, the girl starts to hear of another girl and in about a week, he's all over the place with her. Status messages, profile pictures, etc all indicating that he's found new love. Now my question is how does that happen? Especially when he says that none of it started whilst you two had your thng. So what, he had a few days to recover and find new love?

I understand a break up where, one has hurt the other so bad that s/he would do anything to forget the past or get back at him/her but not one where you'd wish to be with that person but just cant.

I dont want to say what my opinions are so I dont create any biases, so I'd like to hear what yours are.

I hope you guys are having a more productive week than I am! My next post will be another question on things I've noticed since being back home.Toodles!