Australian Open or school playground?

Watching some of the local players at the Australian Open, I’ve wondered if I was watching a tennis tournament or an episode of Summer Heights High.

Then I found these reports cards.

Bernard Tomic: B-

Bernard is much improved this semester but still has a habit of picking fights in class.

His latest feud is with the popular school captain and former idol Roger Federer, a person from whom he could learn a great deal if he cared to listen.

Bernie always starts the school year well, with new pens and pencils and a commitment to apply himself throughout the year. Then the birthday party invitations start coming in and, well, the kid gets distracted.

While Bernie’s grades have substantially improved over the past year, he is often found wanting in exam situations against the top students. A better application to homework would assist his performance in this regard.

We’re not suggesting he should give up gluten and check the colour of his wee each morning, like our very top student Novak Djokovic. That behaviour borders on the Pete Evans side of obsessive compulsive and we discourage it where we can.

But if he wants to be in the top 10 students in the school, as he so often says he does, he needs to study harder, complete his assignments, get a tutor who isn’t his dad and stop picking fights in the playground.

Daria Gavrilova: A-

Daria is a joy to teach. She is a model student, eager to come to school each day and an enthusiastic participant in the classroom. She works very hard and her recent results reflect her commitment to her studies.

Though relatively new to the school, Daria has adapted quickly to the environment. She thrives on challenges and enjoys the popularity and attention she has garnered.

Though he has also been known to answer his phone in class and disrupt other students, he’ll get upset if anyone plays music when he’s trying to concentrate.

Nicholas is unreasonably disappointed when top students beat him in exams, suggesting an inflated opinion of his capabilities at this stage of his development.

While Nicholas presents some problems in the discipline department, we believe these issues will diminish over time, provided he spends more time with the school counsellor.

We also suggest more attention should be paid to his lunch box, which might stop him eating his shirt in the playground. If he has been told to eat more fibre, he is going about it in entirely the wrong way.