Friday, August 17, 2007

If you read my July post about Fridays, you will remember that this weekday comes with great difficulty for me. Little Boy Blue has his one hour visit with his Mommy on Fridays. For the last 6 visits, I have sent pictures and notes to her written from Little Boy Blue. Well, he doesn't actually write them... but I take the liberty of speaking for him.

Today, I received one in return. It was very nice and appreciative. Funny, when you put a face on someone and you read words of gratitude, it is very difficult not to sympathize and even 'like' that person. Brutal honesty, I do not want to like her. But I find that I do... and I'm grateful that I'm not stuck in the rut of hate and bitterness about her poor choices.

Her next custody hearing is in less than 2 weeks. I'm begging God to prepare my heart for the outcome... and here is what my pencil wrote:

Two Mothers

Her empty arms,Fill mine.Her sadness and grief,Allow for my unspoken joy.Her poor choice,Gives a chance for my love to overflow.

In an instant, it can all reverse,Like an hourglass turned upside-down.

Today is Wednesday...the day my little guy has his visit with his mom. For several reasons, it has been about three weeks since our last visit. I've grieved for her because it has been so long, yet my stomach is starting to tense knowing the hour is nearing. I get to supervise the visits, which is comforting in some ways, but makes the reality so much harder in others. How hard it is to reconcile my emotions to being his mommy and yet not "officially". I loved the words you described to express this transaction. Though it appears the hourglass cannot turn in our case, I always live with an impending fear that it will. As my husband says, "You have to be an idiot to be a foster parent!" From our fleshly heart's point of view, yes. But we follow Him who has called us to live beyond the pain of our hearts to fulfill His purposes on the earth. Wow. Thanks so much for sharing!

And now it's Friday again...thinking of you today. Thanks so much for your prayers. Our visit was quite enjoyable and gave me much hope for the future of these visits. God has completely opened up our fostering experience to oppotunities beyond what we could have expected. May we be faithful to pursue what exactly our role is to be in her life, for she, too, is fatherless.