Sunday, September 28, 2008

I've been trying my best not to obsess over potential early pregnancy symptoms, but like the good Type A person I am I keep a journal. I've done this with my past IVF cycles, so I am doing it again. Every day past transfer I journal my symptoms and of course I compare them to the previous two IVF cycles, which both were bfps. I pay special attention to those I had with my pregnancy with Myles even though I know that every pregnancy is different.

Today I am 5dp5dt (and technicially 5dp6dt because one was a 6 day blast). I haven't felt much other than a few uterine twinges, which feel like pinching, sore back, panges radiating from within my breasts out (not sore to the touch though), and waking early. I had similar symptoms with Myles's pregnancy, but all of these could be attributed to PIO and Endometrin.

I am not brave enough to test this early. With Myle's pregnancy I didn't POAS until after my beta, but with my last cycle I POAS'd at 8dp5dt. I am considering testing at the same time this cycle, which would be Wednesday, but I'm terrified of a bfn.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Well as we like to say in the IVF world I am officially Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (PUPO). We transferred two day 6 blasts this morning. The transfer was relatively uneventful and quite easy. The embryologist talked to us about our embryos and they are still graded high (1 and 2 on a scale of 1-5 with 1 being the best). I thought both blasts were hatching, but only one of them was (the one on the left above; graded 1). The other blast that was graded 2 was still expanding from the thaw (on the right), which is why it looks a little "deflated".

My RE was very optimistic about the transfer and said that my lining had an area that was nice and thick, which is why he thinks I keep getting pregnant. He said with these great embryos and my lining he'd be surprised if I don't get a bfp! I'm hoping he's right! Also, my acupuncturist said that my pulses and tongue looked a lot better this cycle than they did with the last transfer. I left feeling optimistic about this cycle.

My 1st beta is scheduled for 10/3 and my 2nd beta is scheduled for 10/6. My clinic won't call with the results until both betas are in, so I'll probably POAS next Friday. I'd test on Wednesday, but I'd rather wait for the weekend to get the news. Please send some sticky baby dust my way!!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Today is my 32nd birthday and not one part of me felt like celebrating! I have been ttc since I was 28 and with every passing year I am starting to hear my biological clock ticking louder and louder. I know that 32 isn't that old yet, but I guess I just envisioned that my life would be very different by now. I thought I'd be having my 2nd child by age 32. I didn't think that all I'd have was a horizontal scar on my belly, a dead baby, a broken heart, and aching arms.

As I blew out my candles on the birthday cake my wonderful husband made for me I couldn't help but be irritated by people saying "make a wish." My wish is for Myles to be here with us and we all know that wish will never come true.

Two years ago today I discovered that my baby didn't have a heartbeat at 12wks and had a D&C the next day. This was the first of my 3 miscarriages. Last year I was pregnant with Myles and ever so hopeful. This year I have a dead baby and little hope for my future.

Myles was born 8 months ago today. I sat at his grave today and cried for a long time. I am trying to be optimistic for my FET this week, but have been finding it difficult to want any baby other than Myles. I know that when I get pregnant again I will love the baby, but right now I just long for Myles. I miss my handsome little man and would give up every birthday wish for the rest of my life to hold him one last time!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

After my 3rd lining check FET #3 was confirmed for 9/23. My lining is very similar to what it's been in the previous two FETs--it's in the 6mm range. Of course I'm not thrilled, but also didn't expect anything different. By the time the transfer rolls around my lining will be in the 7mm range, so I'm content (not happy) with it.

I stopped the Viagra suppositories today, which makes me happy, but I'm to continue all the estrogen. I started Lovenox, PIO, and medrol today. I don't think my butt has recovered from the previous cycle's PIO shots, so I'm sure in two weeks I'll have a very sore rear. I somewhat forgot how much the Lovenox burns, but after the first few days I'll be used to it.

So, on Tuesday at 9 am I'll go to the clinic for my pre-transfer acupuncture session and will have 2 hatching day 6 blasts (assuming they both survive the thaw) transferred to my uterus at 11:15am. Please send some positive thoughts my way!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Yesterday I went for my 1st lining check. After 9 days of estrogen my lining was around a whopping 6mm, which believe it or not is ahead of schedule **for me**. When I got pregnant with Myles my lining was this thick after several more days of estrogen and last cycle it wasn't even this thick (if you call it that) at this point. So, my RE says he thinks my lining will get between 7-8mm by transfer and we're fine with that. It was just under 7mm at transfer when I got pregnant with Myles.

I decided before going into this cycle that I wasn't going to obsess and fret over my lining. This is what my defective body can do and fortunately it's good enough for my embryos. Linings like this and even much thinner got be pregnant 4 other times, so I have to believe that it will happen again.

I added two Vivelle dots, which I am to change every Friday and Monday, and am to stay on 0.3cc delestrogen IM injections every other day, estrace pills vaginally inserted 4x/day, and Viagra suppositories 4x/day. I go back on Tuesday for another lining check and unless some strange thing happens where my lining starts shrinking (I don't count this out as stranger things have happened to me with IF) I will be doing the FET on 9/23. Hopefully one of the two hatching blasts we transfer will find my uterus warm and inviting and will nestle in for the long haul!

(I should add that I'm not looking for any suggestions on how to get my lining thicker because I've probably tried them all at one point or am currently doing them! ;) My RE and I believe that this is what my body can do and I'm trying to learn to accept it and hopefully embrace it.)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Three years ago had someone told me that I'd be paying a boatload of money to have someone stick needles all over my body, stick small titanium balls inside my ears, and tape a packet of wet, stinky herbs to my back I would have laughed in their face. Today this is normal for me. No doubt that I'd do almost anything to have a healthy, living baby, but some of the things I'm doing seem almost comical to me!

Me, the science nerd, is doing complementary treatments that aren't "scientific" and I'm paying big bucks for it. When I tell people that I see an acupuncturist I'm often met with strange looks. I researched and read all the research regarding acupuncture used in conjuction with IVF and it sounded promising, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. Who would've guessed that I'd be hooked?! I find it to be very relaxing, so if nothing else it helps to keep me centered during the emotional roller coaster of IVF. Plus, I got pregnant with Myles using acupuncture, so I'm hoping it will help me again.

My traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) treatments consist of needling, oral herbs, titanium balls on acupressure points in my ears, and as of late an herbal paste on my back. The herbal paste is by far the strangest thing. My acupuncturist mixs up some paste that he puts on a guaze pad and tapes to my lower back. I leave it on for 8 hours. It smells like Icy-Hot and feels similarly tingly. My husband likes to joke that I'm paying $65/hour for someone to poke me and rub "poop" on my back. It is official I will do anything in my quest for a baby!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Although every day for a baby loss mama is difficult, today is just one of those extra rough days. I miss Myles so much today and wish I could see him, talk to him, hold him, and kiss him again. I saw so many parents out with their little ones today, which made me think about what we'll never have. I looked at the photo album my parent's have of Myles on their coffee table in their living room and can't believe that this is all they will ever have of their only grandchild. My mom gave me my baby book, so I read through it today all the while thinking about all the milestones we'll never experience with Myles. J told me that he'd be taking Myles to a Packers game if he were here and it made me horribly sad that he'll never get to do that. J won't get the opportunity to see his little guy wearing the Pakcer's outfit that he got for Christmas and he'll never get to take his little boy to a football game. I want so much for J to have that with Myles.

I'm feeling guilty and responsible for Myles's death today and can't understand why my husband doesn't resent me for it. I feel like I brought all this pain and sadness on us. I took away the happiness we once had and pushed us into this nightmare.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I started estrogen today, so FET #3 is now officially underway! I have been on Lupron for awhile, but that never makes me feel like things have started. I'm doing IM estrogen injections every other day, vaginal estrace 4x/day, and Viagra suppositories 4x/day. The Viagra is to help increase blood flow to my uterus as I have a history of lining issues. I'm also still doing acupuncture.

I go next Friday for my 1st lining check and am tentatively scheduled for my FET on 9/23. We plan to transfer 2 of our 4 remaining snowbabies. All 4 are blasts. The two we decided to transfer are hatching day 6 blasts that were graded high when they were frozen.

I promised myself that I won't get too upset if my lining does what it normally does. I know that by transfer my lining will be 7-8mm and that seems to work for me (I conceived Myles with a 7mm lining), so I've decided that this is what my body can do. This is "normal" for me, so I have to let it be and think positive thoughts.

About Me

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."