It’s time for an important discussion. Live Streaming Concerts. Personally, I think from an Artist perspective I’d be more than irritated but say nothing in an effort to not damage fan PR.

In today’s modern world CD stores are all but gone, albums don’t sell anywhere close to what they used to, and pretty much every major band still around has to endlessly tour to survive.

Sure, no one’s going broke necessarily but look at the bigger picture. Live streaming concerts subtly takes away the last guaranteed source of income bands still have. Sure the ‘hardcore’ fans will likely go no matter what but what about those content to just stay home and keep Periscope or Facebook on in the background instead? As streaming becomes higher and higher quality, it means more than a few seats might be vacant when a fan would have been there before.

Live Streaming Concerts: No Going Back

Yes, technology is ever evolving and Luddite style solutions are impractical. You can’t put the cork back in the wine bottle. Live streaming is mobile, readily available and not going anywhere.

As time passes though more and more Art is becoming available for free, monetarily devaluing the artist who created it. Is this the kind of future environment we want for future musicians? Where they have to tirelessly perform for ‘exposure’ for eternity rather than be paid? Lifetime ‘Musician Interns’ if you will.

Sure, live streaming is still relatively in its infancy. A wild west online frontier of sorts. It’s something to think about with the bands we love. Especially if we want them to keep being able to perform in the epic venues they deserve. To us it’s just a show, to them it’s their livelihood being streamed live free of charge.

Manly Role Model: Snake PlisskenFamous For: Escape from New York, Escape from L.A.

Snake’s Resume

Gents, take a peek into the life of a bloke who didn’t squander their time checking Facebook notifications. World War III renegade Snake Plissken, the youngest man to be decorated by a U.S. President. Two purple hearts in Leningrad and Siberia. It might seem like a crazy notion now, but in the 80s and 90s people used to go outside. And not just to check their smartphones at the mall. Yes, a couple of best bros might actually venture out to the scary alien landscape of Full Definition. Action was taken. Thanks to the internet, today a man is only as hardworking as the timing of their last wank. In other words, everybody’s asleep. Men have been in hibernation for the last decade.

Our film protagonists reflect this drowsy reality. With the lone exception of 24’s Jack Bauer. Gone are the days of a clear good and evil. Actions first, questions later? Quietly retired. In it’s place, a never-ending loop of second guessing that would make a Kardashian blush. Groupthink via status update. Snake Plissken saved the U.S. President in the amount of time most guys analyze if they texted the town bicycle back too quickly.

Let’s go vintage and rewind the tapes. Blockbuster style. Just kidding, we’re actually gonna do it. Let’s reminiscence about the fictional world of one of the last true manly role models. Call me Snake.

Snake in Diplomatic Negotiations

Pictured Above: Snake politely engages the enemy in diplomatic discourse. Vintage sanctions my friends! This is what red lines looked like in the 80s.

Snake Discusses Small Government

What we all secretly wanna say when one of those hassling interns blocks your path on the sidewalk with their clipboard. Can’t you see I’m going to the gym fucker?

A Manly Answer

A manly answer not only sounds good, it feels good. Simply think: ‘What would Snake do?’ In any and all situations.

Drop that razor. Beards can protect you from the sun, prevent asthma attacks, and keep you from being a dateless wonder. New research conducted by leading British paper The Daily Mail suggests we’d all be better off with a little scruffiness.

Let’s take a look at the benefits of this groundbreaking BroScience!

1) Masculinity=Attraction

According to polls conducted by the brilliant minds at Evolution and Human Behavior, beards not only make you more seductive, but more likely to be a great parent.

Full-bearded men may be perceived as better fathers who could protect and invest in offspring.

Remember Papa Smurf? He had a beard. That’s what smurfed him apart from the rest of the Smurfs. A full beard can represent experience and maturity. A five o’clock shadow might indicate you’re able to have a kid but not quite ready for the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. Kevin Federline had one of those and everything worked out just fine.. For KFed that is.

Women judged faces with heavy stubble as most attractive and heavy beards, light stubble and clean-shaven faces as similarly less attractive.

Guys with light stubble are perfectly well and good until the words ‘I’m Pregnant’ come into play. Then they bounce faster than Lindsay Lohan at a community service orientation. Probably south of the border. And not just a daily trip to Chipotle. We’re talking Speedy Gonzalez style, ‘I’ll be right back.. I uh- have to make a call.. Arribba!’ race on down. Women should naturally gravitate to the bearded man, as he’ll stay to pay alimony.

Masculinity ratings increased linearly as facial hair increased.

The bigger the beard, the more masculine you are! This doesn’t mean you neckbeards out there should keep going ‘Brooklyn’ style though. Try and actually trim those day-old Cheetos out.. Maybe leave one in, keep her guessing.

2) Beards Keep You Looking Younger

The hair stops water leaving the skin — keeping it moisturized — by protecting it from the wind, which dries the skin and disturbs the protective skin barrier, says Dr Lowe.

Like Samson before you, your manliness is dependent on avoiding shaving at all costs. Next time she prods and asks, ‘When are you shaving that thing off?’, just respond ‘Bitch you crazy? It’s the secret to my power!’ and prepare for the divorce settlement. At least, you’ll be protected from the wind.

Men have more hair follicles in this area than women do.

Generally, men are more proficient at growing beards than women are. Except the occasional Indian chick.

3) Allergen Repellent

Your nose hairs trap more than you think they do. Nose hairs trap pollutants that could actually cause your body harm. In theory, a moustache could stop things that trigger asthma entering the airways. but it would have to be a big one.
– Dr Felix Chua & Clifford W. Bassett, M.D.

Nose trimmer corporations better watch out! It appears all this time our nose hairs, beards, and ‘staches were protecting us! Pollen, trapped by your beard. Check. That hipster stache might be all that stands between you and a dangerous asthma attack. Gentlemen, the choice is clear. For the good of your health, let your beards run free and wild. Untamed, and uncensored.

1) The 10 out of 10

Expect 10 million guys commenting/liking every status. Coincidentally expect almost no girl comments on photos, as chicks don’t comment on chicks hotter than them. Be ready for 4,657 friends, all guys who want her or girls who want to use the girls’ status to get sloppy seconds.

2) Spamatron 5000

Remember that one time you were at a club and some random promoter guy talked to you for a few minutes? No? Well he does motherfucker. After you naively add them on Facebook expect ten million invites to parties, groups, and fan pages you don’t care about. This will continue for a certain time span. We call this time span: Forever.

3) The Attention Whore

Every update is the same, “omg i hate my life”, “why does everything happen to me”, “where are all the good guyzz/ girlzz, hate my lifeeeee” attention whoring. Girl most likely is upper middle class, in college with food, and working internet connection. She also has it worse than a 2 year old war orphan in Somalia.

Live. Laugh. Attention Whore ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

4) White Knight Virgin

Oh heavenly blessed beauty won’t you talk to me? The White Knight will ‘like’ and comment every girl’s status and photo within a 20 mile radius, hoping to get laid. Every guy will subconsciously white knight in their youth till they realize what really works. Not giving a fuck. That’s what gets you laid.

Don’t end up like this guy:

5) Forever Alone

Forever Alone hasn’t received a Facebook notification since January 7, 2001. He lives his days reloading his mailbox, checking his Iphone for new messages, uploading photos with no comments or likes except his own. His most recent Friend request came from his mom. Forever alone.

6) The Myspace Angle

Foolish enough to look only at her profile pic you were! How did this occur? Profile pic is white knight bait. Pic was never an eight. Why did you message her that day? Facebook should say how much you weigh.

7) Captain Deactivate

Captain Deactivate will delete her Facebook systematically once or twice a month in a cry for attention. Since everybody knows you can never truly delete your account, people use this method to attention whore. Of course inevitably Captain Deactivate realizes nobody really cares and returns. Only to repeat the cycle a week afterwards.

8 ) What Ever Happened to ____ After Highschool

Before:

After:

How this happened? Was it: Years of binge drinking? Five Kids? One too many boxes of Twinkies? Who knows. Let this be a lesson for you youngsters out there who think you’re gonna be the same forever. Put down the Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets. And the Ben & Jerry’s while watching Twilight.

9) Never Logon Dude

He registered once long, long ago. When Myspace was around, when Facebook didn’t have a stalk feed. When people still used AOL Instant Messenger. Every few years Never Logon Dude will log on , check out some photos of hot chick friends, and disappear once again to the abyss of profiles. Commonly associated with Captain Deactivate.

10) The Most Interesting Man in the World

Doesn’t exist, any dude that interesting would not have a Facebook. And if he did it would be for PR purposes only, and probably written by some schmuck working for him while he was banging supermodels left and right on his yacht in the Caribbean.

1) Heinz E-Z Squirt Ketchup

In the beginning there was ketchup, and it was red and it was all good.
Wait, this was no good at all! And so in the 90s ketchup turned purple, and
green, and everything in between! For months legions of people gathered
around the pearly gates of Heinz factory like the old wall in Jerusalem before it.

Praying that their fast food condiment lord and daddy, change the color of
their beloved ketchup to something that more closely resembled their childhood
Crayola box. And those prayers did not go unanswered, my friends! Heinz is
one of the people, afterall. Consider us to live in the A.EZ era. For After E-Z Squirt.
Never again will we walk the Earth and know the joy that is squirting purple goop on our French Fries! Let us remember the good times.

*Still Better Than Hunt’s Ketchup

2) Cheetos Lip Balm

Ready for that first kiss. Wonder what she’ll taste like? Will it be sugar and spice and everything nice? Or Cheetos flavor? Did you even have to ask? Snack and make out at the same time! That’s right for the first time Frito-Lay delivered the product Maybelline didn’t have the ovaries to release. Every girl’s dream!
Because what better way to make a kiss extra special, then to seal it with some cheese dust.

*It ain’t easy being cheesy.

3) Coors Rocky Mountain Sparkling Water

Poland Spring better watch out ’cause there’s a new sheriff in town! Everything looked smooth and crisp in the taste tests. Until volunteers realized they weren’t getting drunk at all. Straight from the Rocky Mountains came Coors first non-alcoholic drink, coincidentally tasting the same as it’s alcoholic drinks. Teenagers around the country were left devastated, out $4 bucks as they went back to pouring Vodka in their water bottles instead.

*Hundreds of kids thought they pulled a fast one at 7-11 with their fake ID. Maybe Coors won after all.

4) Gerber Singles

Finally out on your own? In college with the big kids?
Well, what better way to celebrate than with Gerber Singles?!
The first Gerber aimed at adults, particularly the 20-30 year old crowd. This was back during the 70s before hipsters. At the time, Gerber was still caught in a drug filled haze where creamed beef flavored Gerber was all the rage.

Really this product was released before it’s time. Hollywood Starlets happily scoop up the Gerber aisle at supermarkets these days to keep their figure, leaving a generation of children with the quality nutrition that can only be found on the dollar menu.

*Nowadays college aged males keep important food items like mustard in their fridge for sustenance. And nothing else!

5) Pepsi Blue

If you ever wanted to see what your teeth would look like blue. This was your one shot! Coming out in 2002, an awkward phase of the early 2000s, this was the answer Pepsi had for Vanilla Coke. A carbonated version of Listerine, except no mouth wash would remove these inevitable stains. It was pure magic in a can! A sugar rush of epic proportions!

But really it tasted the way you’d imagine a blue colored version of Pepsi to taste like. Like a homeless man’s Hawaiian Punch on a bad day.

Actually that’s being too cruel to the homeless…
Even they wouldn’t resort to Pepsi Blue.