Stuff I Wish You’d Quit Saying: What’s wrong with you?

Stuff I Wish You’d Quit Saying: What’s wrong with you?

What’s wrong with me?

Where should I start?

What is wrong with me? Ok, you asked for it.

I know my husband only means well. I know he wants me to be happy and at peace; that things are balanced with me. For the most part, I hold it together adequately. I love him. I love our life and home, and I am grateful that God dwells in us and our family. However, I am in charge of pants, bodily functions, and stain removal. I have a graduate degree. I didn’t major in nonsense, yet this is my specialty.

Our youngest resident can only say one word.Bosco.

She yells, “Bosco!”

Bosco is our Rat Terrier-Pekingese-Basset hound. He weighs about 18 pounds. He is small and ugly. But he is a sweet dog and a great companion.

The child whose only word is “Bosco!” hates Bosco. She is terrified of him. Yet, because she can holler Bosco – she does – and then Bosco obediently comes to her… and she cries hysterically. I shoo Bosco away, dry her eyes, and then…

She yelps, “BOSCO!”

And he comes back.

And we do it all again.

This insanity is an excellent metaphor for my life.

Pandemonium. Lunacy. Exponential nonsense on any given day.

What’s wrong with me?

Well, you asked for it…

I was up at 4 am drinking coffee with our two-year-old son. Cause that is what time he gets up and demands “COOPPEE.” By 8 am he was passed out while watching “PEN-guns” or as the four-year-old calls them, “Ice chickens dat we all love.” If I turn off the extraordinary ice chickens, the screaming and crying will start, and yes them… and me.

I try not to cry before lunch, I am a glass is half full kind of gal.

By 8:05 a.m. I was on cup 6 of java… I had heartburn and my kidneys were in revolt. It would be well after 3 pm before I got to pee. I was on hold with the student financial services office. They claimed my call would be answered in the order it was received, but luckily there were only 216 callers ahead of me. Meanwhile, the manbabies were texting repeatedly, “My student account is locked????”

I got the accounts unlocked, and the payment on their accounts applied, meanwhile I had pinched a nerve in my neck, burned mac n’ cheese, the tween hates me because we are out of lemon yogurt and she wants bangs. And then… I received a text alert from the bank warning me the clearance of the college bill made my account overdrawn… -$666.00.

That’s right I was $666 overdrawn.

I text the hubs, “something is terribly wrong with our checking account, we are $666 overdrawn!?!?!”

He responds “Did you know it was that bad????”

Mark of the Beast bad? No. I had no idea it was a mark of the beast banking bad.

An hour later, the littles were waking from their nap. I was on the phone with the bank trying to figure out why Bezzalabub was interfering with our funds. It is at this time I realized I had only had coffee all day and I’m still in my pajamas. At 3:40 pm I look out the window to find the vandals, our toddler sons, buck naked for the 15th time today.

Why I bother to get them dressed is a mystery, yet… a girl can only look at penises so many times in any given day without losing her mind.

One hour later, vandals are still naked, tween still hates me, manbabies can charge on university accounts and banking balance is no longer an omen and I don’t need an Ouija board to reconcile; unfortunately I am still in my pajamas – and I have yet to eat anything.

So, what is wrong with me?

[clickToTweet tweet=”I try not to cry before lunch, I am a glass is half full kind of gal.” quote=”I try not to cry before lunch, I am a glass is half full kind of gal.”]

These are just a few clues in the mystery of what is wrong with me. You might laugh at this, it made me cry, but not until 8:30 in the evening, so that goal was met!

I would expand, “What did you do today?” is just as irritating.

Don’t make me rehash it.

Don’t make me have to say it out loud.

I have to try and get enormous amounts of cheese out of the electric teapot now… that is really all you need know.

20 Comments

It’s like we’re both characters in the same play! Granted, the boys I still have at home don’t end up naked throughout the day, but still…
And “ice chickens” has just made my entire day — a welcome laugh after having a Monday that matched yours in ridiculousness. Here’s to a new day, fresh coffee and no crying before noon! 🙂

Oh my word. We do not have big kids, our oldest is 11. So, minus the whole demon possessed college fund, I can so relate to this! Thank you for reminding me I’m not the only one using a graduate degree to its upmost calling. #sarcasm

I’ve been known to put beef gelatin in my coffee, not because I’m trying to be super healthy or anything, but because I know I won’t get anything that resembles protein if I don’t. There’s a right kind and a wrong kind though, one stays liquid and one turns to jello, you wouldn’t have time to eat coffee jello.

Oh, Lord, do you find it odd that another woman can read this and start crying because it is so familiar…we have 11 adopted children…my elderly sick dad just moved in…I am wiping away tears while typing outside of mass. Just dropped the youngest kids off at school and I need mass. When my husband what I did all day I will tell him I went to mass and we will all be happy. I loved your post!!!

Jami, you have single-handedly sat me down at the feet of Jesus and made it ok. All my choices, tears, craziness. Things I wouldn’t change. I do not walk alone not this week. Your posts make me feel. Just that feel. Thank you

Truth!
We had a 2 hour delay today (4 teens living here 19-14 yrs).
So yay, we get to sleep a little more, except we all over-slept and I have 10 minute to get ready to run to the icky dentist to get 2 teeth drilled…my favorite first thing in the morning thing to do…. I originally scheduled it that way because normally kids are all gone by 6:30am. My husband has to do the getting school duty.
As I walked out the door late for my appt., I saw someone had left the back slider open and so the dog had brought in a large rotted piece of wood and shredded it all over the rug…not the wood floor where it could be swept, but the hook rug instead.
All this fun before 8:15am…and just as I am flying out the door looking like I rolled out of bed I realize I am having my face numbed and I have not had ANY coffee yet…nor will get any until after numbing is passed. UGH.
So I choose to chug a hot cup on the way and make the dentist deal with my coffee stained, coffee breath mouth…

I love this! I am at the stage of the buck- naked toddlers and the tween and teen who have world ending problems happening frequently.
There might have been month old rotten blueberries shoved in the waffle iron during one of the mundane days of motherhood.
You’re not alone. It’s refreshing to get a glimpse of someone else’s real life, because I swear social media tells me my family and my troubles with my kids are unique.
Thank you!
Julie

I just need to know where it is written that I can clean up the living room after everyone goes to bed at night, and it looks like Katrina hit when they get on the bus the next morning. This is EVERY. DAY. Wondering why I bother. I never developed a coffee addiction. Even the smell would make me violently ill when I was pregnant with my oldest and it carried on for many years afterward. But that was 38 years ago, and after reading this post and some of the comments maybe I should try to revisit that habit.

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