Farrah Abraham’s Erotic Novel Is Even Worse Than It Sounds

Confused porn-maker Farrah Abraham has a trio of erotic novels coming out soon that are destined to spend the next decade gathering dust at the bottom of the Spencer Gifts bargain bin, alongside the broken penis-shaped spaghetti and rainbow disco ball missing the color blue. The first book in the most anticipated trilogy since The Lord of the C*ck Rings is called In The Making (Celebrity Sex Tape), and according to the Frisky, it “has been carefully written, edited, and proofread to ensure that the book has not revealed any actual occurrences or business practices that have not already been publicly revealed or acknowledged.” Horny yet? Well, wait until you sink your eye dicks on these excerpt vaginas.

“It needs to be in farther,” Kanity said.

I was about to tell her to mind her own damn business when she put her hand between my legs and pushed the freaking sponge up. Her fingers slid into my p*ssy and for a split second I couldn’t even think.

This was not happening.

I was not surrounded by crazy people, with a psychopath’s fingers in my vagina. There was no way this was happening. It had to be a nightmare and I’d wake up in a moment.

That’s about periods. This is about post-sex showers.

“I retreated to the bathroom and stepped into the shower. It was a long day. It fucking started at sunup and I would still be fucking by sundown. I remembered with boyfriends, we would have sex all day and it was amazing—not exhausting. I was more than ready for a shower, I didn’t do a bukkake scene but it felt like it. My body was swimming with Jimmy semen.”

“Jimmy Semen” is my favorite Clash song. Anyway, it’s a whole lot of un-sexy sex scenes and Farrah writing about herself without actually acknowledging as much. It’s pretty much what you’d expect an erotic novel from a Teen Mom to be like, maybe even worse, although I am going to start using the phrase “sex warrior” in everyday conversation. Read more here.