For all educated individuals with IQs that are equal to or greater than that of mayonnaise, I bear good news! Zein el Atat, Amana Care, and all their cheaper derivatives will no longer pollute our airwaves, billboards, or papers. Yes, it’s true, as per a directive issued by the General Directorate of the Lebanese General Security on Monday.

Master con-artists like Zein el Atat have successfully milked the alternative medicine industry in Lebanon and the region dry for the past decade or so. Despite foiled attempts to bribe bystanders with $20 bills to declare on camera that a pill designed by Zein el Atat magically makes you grow (or lose) hair, become slim, cure cancer, heal paralysis, and get you a grade-A spouse (dear feminists, spouse applies to both males and females, thank you and sorry for ruining a topic you could’ve went on about for hours, like Exotica ads), some people still buy these sham products, whose actual effects on human beings has not been properly documented.

They say they’re certified by the Ministry of Health, even if that was true, with all due respect, the MoH has allowed the sale of white powder you can snort for ‘instant energy’ from your local supermarket. So, I wouldn’t exactly consider this FDA-grade approval (FDA is the Food and Drug Administration which has rigorous trials and requirements before food or medicine can be considered safe for humans).

So, we can safely say that the real health effects of these shady products is not understood at all. And those that are, have been proven to have mild, or ‘probably slightly improve’ symptoms in the longrun (i.e. not the quick-fix they advertise in a not-so-quick fashion).

Anyway, acknowledging the stupendous risk to people’s health, one cannot but help gauge the level of annoyance their conmen have successfully unloaded on us. NewTV (or whatever its name is this month) OTV, TeleLiban (yes, it still exists and is currently broadcasting the 1974 World Cup semi-finals) and NBN all have hour-long (if not more) of an annoying salesperson or some laborer in a lab-coat ‘explaining’ to us how this will magically change your life and heal your ailments (using the same, ripped-off 3D model each time). Also, it seems AmanaCare was unable to develop a magical cure for ginormous moles, who their CEO boasts on his upper lip.

In the end, with this law, let’s hope that fake testimonies that include swearing in the name of God by some poor villagers, drugs that are untested or whose effects are falsely advertised, and most importantly taking up of airwaves, television spots, and newspaper and magazine covers will not be a familiar sight anymore.