Nov 23, 2009

Not Sitting Well

Okay, "Free Breakfast" at the hotel. Good deal, that ought to be worth about $20.00 off the tab by way of subtraction by way of repeated borrows or some kind of fancy conversion method. Right? Way too early to be thinking too hard.

Okay we've got a waffle maker over there - hmmmm... lot of work to get that going. Syrup looks a bit off. Hard boiled eggs? Not on a dare. Oatmeal and sugary muffins. Don't see a toaster anywhere... Hellllloooo what's this?

A Jimmy Dean Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuit? Well, I love McDonald's Bacon Egg and Cheese biscuit! How much difference can there be, really? Wow, the packaging makes it look so big! This is going to be... oh, crap why did I look at the ingredients!? I don't want to know how many calories - ahgh! 21% Saturated fat?! Jebus Chrimmiss! Wait, maybe that means there's a LOT of bacon in there? I mean, it's Jimmy Dean. They're going to hoggify this little waffer of a biscuit so that you go out and buy more of their meat, right? Hell, they probably gave these away for free to the hotel so that you'll be so excited with how awesome and delicious with a pile of bacon on it, you'll be a customer for life for all Jimmy Dean breakfast products. How could a nice guy named Jimmy Dean mean no less than to help a feller out?

Okay, where's the instructions? Bake for 20 minutes -- nope.

Microwave.

Reservations.

Microwave bacon, egg and cheese -- and a biscuit. How 'good' or 'wholesome' can this thing I'm holding possibly be? There's a road trip that needs to be considered, along with the count of how many rest stops I'm potentially going to have to inspect on that route now. Okay, there were about 5 on the way down, one at Interstate 70 -

I think I can pull this off, even in a worse case scenario. The worst case is that Jimmy Dean is going to try to kill me.

Okay, here we go. Only one minute? That doesn't seem like a lot of time for a yummy breakfas-*DING*Done already! Peel off the package... Oh. My. Goo -

How come the cheese has smeared everywhere but on the sammich?

Well, it doesn't look like much, or like any food product that I've put in my mouth since caring about things like saturated fat and high fructose corn syrup... but, but, it's my old pal Jimmy Dean! There's bacon in there - somewhere. Right?

First bite. Shudder. Wha- what was that? That was a biscuit? There oughta be a law against calling that a biscuit. Okay I'm giving up on the counterfeit biscuit. There's still bacon to be had. I think.

Ugh. This is - why am I - oh, there's the bacon! And it's limp. But, uh - wow. I ate that. I can't believe I ate as much of that as I did... I really ought to throw the rest of that away - but I hate to waste it...

And it's over. Need to wash that down with hotel coffee. Oh, and orange juice! Maybe the vitamin C will counteract the terrible terrible price I've paid by eating this monstrosity described as comestible.

You know? I better have a second glass of that orange drink.

My co-worker lazily comes in. I see him eyeing the remaining Jimmy Dean thing in the cooler. I ought to wave him off. No point in us both fighting for the same defiled toilet seat while on the trip home.

"Oh yeah, I had one of those last time. Not pretty."

What?! I just ate one! What happened?!

"Oh, you'll see."

No, I don't want to see - should I seek medical attention now? Will I make it home, or am I a dead man walking?

*phew* that's just not sitting well.

You know, for all that fat and salt you'd think it would have been at least tasty. Jimmy Dean, you're dead to me. Now, excuse me while I find a men's room.