Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
1898

A Miracle
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay Mrs. Jones, what seems to be the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla; she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a thorough examination, then turns to Mrs. Jones and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant -- about four months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?!? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!" Jack B.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
1899

Nuclear Power
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know... how about nuclear power?"
The other guy says, "Okay, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?" Nick Emeric

Wednesday

Joke
N°
1900

Snail Testimony
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead.
Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault.
The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!" Mike S.

Thursday

Joke
N°
1901

The Job Interview
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, "What does two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies, "Four."
The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" The accountant says, "On average, four -- give or take ten percent -- but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the blinds, sits down next to the interviewer, and says, "What do you want it to equal?" Hal N.

Friday

Joke
N°
1902

20 Signs That You're A Drunk1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case: coincidence?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth, now that's a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor.
11. Hey, five beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbor's cat more and more attractive.
14. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober!!!"
15. Roseanne looks great.
16. You don't recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17. That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
19. You've fallen and can't get up.
20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering. Nick B.

Saturday

Joke
N°
1903

Poem For A Friend
For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here's a touch of reality:
When you are sad... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum-sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue... I will try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
When you smile... I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb a**.
When you are sick... Stay away from me until you're well again; I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall... I will point and laugh at your clumsy a**.
This is my oath... I pledge till the end.
Why, you may ask?... Because you're my friend. Fernando N.

Sunday

Joke
N°
1904

What's The Difference
A guy blows a stop sign in Philly and gets caught by a policeman. The cop says, "License and registration please."
Guy says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop, license and registration, please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, please!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration."
Cop says, "Okay, exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his night stick, starts beating up the guy and asks, "Now, do you want me to slow down or stop?" Fran Garritt