This post that I’m sharing is very special to me because it is written by my husband. From his perspective of a particular time when I had lost hope. I’ve hesitated on sharing this because my family and friends may read this, there is no need to worry my mental illness is in remission. At the end I share my thoughts.

Tiff asks me once again “Can we talk?” with that pained look in her eyes that was all too familiar at this point. It had been roughly 6 months of talks, prayer and many tears over the topic of how depressed she was. Sometimes our talks would help, sometimes I would make it worse by getting frustrated and impatient. Some nights I would get the sense that we were making real progress and then a week later we would be back, her crying and us praying over the same topic I was sure we had dealt with.

Talk of suicide had come up several times at this point, but it was always in a manner that seemed irrational. This time however, as we talk Tiffany asks me to please hide my guns from her. Now if I ever imagined what it would be like to lose a loved one, the thought in itself is difficult to swallow. But in any case, in my mind the loss was always death in the form of a tragic car accident or failing health. I never really conisdered what it would mean to me if my wife, the person I love the most on this earth was to willingly take her own life.

As the problem solver of the family, Mr. Fix it I naturally want to think of the most logical solution to the problem. None of this made any sense to me. Life is good! We have a home, healthy beautiful kids, we both have jobs, family, friends, church and God. Why end it? Or rather why would you WANT to end it? Logic is not working. So I turn to self doubt. Is she unhappy in our marriage? Am I not leading her right? Is the life that I have tried my best to provide for our family not good enough? What should I have done differently?

The fear and the insecurity that came with this request to hide my guns was very real. It was time to get serious about getting professional help and medication. Since Tiff was reluctant to get on medication I would only suggest it but didnt push too hard. I wanted it to be a decision she made on her own. But now it was time to push. I didn’t care if she resented me for making her see a doctor and take meds, I couldn’t deal with the thought of her wanting to kill herself.

The guns were immediately concealed, but I was still very concerned. Afterall, having a gun handy would make it easy but if it was this bad she could find another way if she tried hard enough. While i dont fully understand what its like to deal with mental illness, I have been reassured and I’m confident now that it’s not my fault. I am grateful to God that he has provided doctors and medicine to help. The change has been dramatic since she started taking medication and I haven’t heard the word suicide since. Our talks at night are back to being full of laughter and plans for the future. My wife, my love has come back to me.

There were many times where I cried myself to sleep begging the me that used to exist to hold on promising her that God would bring freedom. In the beginning suicidal thoughts weren’t something I thought about often but over time they became more frequent until I thought about it everyday, all day and even started planning. Understand I didn’t want to end my life, I wanted to end the pain.

My heart overflows with passion to share this piece of my life. When I opened up I started hearing other’s stories and understood this is not uncommon we just don’t TALK about it. I prayed John 8:31-32 and John 14:13-14. One about freedom if I just obey and the other promising an answered prayer if we would just ask. I was ashamed and fearful for years about this part of my life. Now I treasure this lifelong journey and I’m determined to use it for good.

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24 Comments

Yuriem (mrz. ortiz)
 posted on February 1, 2017 at 3:44 pm

First of all your an amazing person! God gives us hard times and troubles but only to the point we can handle. He will never give you something you can’t handle. He choose you because he knew he would walk with you through it and teach you a lesson. I can’t say what was the lesson only you will know but one thing I do know, he had a GOOD man for you. He blessed you with a great supportive husband and most importantly a man of God. He blessed you with a beautiful family and has blessed you with so much in life. Your life is full of blessings and he has a purpose for you and your family. No matter what troubles come your way, don’t stress but seek god and his word and God will take that burden for you. Thanks for your bravery, thanks for sharing, I’m sure this will help others that may go through the same thing. You are loved!

Yuriem thank you so so much for your encouraging words you’re absolutely right. Through every time of pain and suffering He had a plan it is never gone through in vain. Thank you so much for always reading and supporting me it means so much.

You have an incredible husband. Hold on tight to him. I know firsthand having also struggled with depression so dark that you see no way out. If you haven’t felt it, it is impossible to wrap your brain around it. The fact that your husband fought hard for you despite having zero understanding about your state of mind (along with his own insecurities about it), speaks volumes. I am so happy for you that you found your way out. It’s really damn hard. You are beautiful & strong!

Tiffany, this gave me goosebumps reading. I think it is so wonderful that your husband was willing to write this! I have struggled with major depression since I was 15 & have been suicidal countless times. I applaud you for your honesty & openess on this topic. Depression/suicidal thoughts is not something that is talked about often & I still find it difficult to share my story. But reading this begs the question, “Why?” Why am I ashamed of having been depressed/suicidal, it’s not my fault, it’s not anyone’s fault. So thank you for helping me realize this more & for giving me the courage to even begin to think about sharing my story in hopes of helping others like us! You are truly an amazing person & I’m so glad God put you in my life!

Lisa! Your words they’re so so kind. I’m so grateful to have met you too. I hope you will share your story you can have a major impact on someone’s life. You’re so sweet and genuine. Thank you for reading and for being so supportive and also for sharing that this is something you battle with too. I hope one day I will be reading your story 😘.

Thank you very much for sharing your personal story. I recently went through a very difficult struggle with anxiety and depression. I came off my anti depressants when my fiancé and I decided we wanted to try to get pregnant. I was fine for a month or so but then I spiraled. First, I was angry then I became totally irrational and started to have debilitating panic attacks. After a severe panic attack that led to my fiancé holding me and rocking me while I cried, I decided to get help. Today I am regulated on my medication again and when I hear stories like yours I feel reassured that I’m not alone. Thank you so much.

Sarah thank you for sharing your story! And for reading. I would love to chat more about your experience with getting off medication and having a baby. Please email me with your contact info so we can talk. Again thank you so much for sharing this with me.

This was an amazing post. You seem amazing and your husband seems amazing. I could relate to the both of you from what I read here today and I just wanted to say that. I hope you continue on your journey towards healthy recovery and that you and your husband continue to spend time laughing and planning for your future.

Mike thank you for reading and for your encouraging words. Last night we stayed up late laughing and joking and tickling. Until reading what my husband had written I hadn’t realized how much we had done that at night and how much he had missed it. Thank you for highlighting that.