I wonder if I still exist…?

It’s just that I feel like I don’t exist anymore. I’m relegated to the back room of my own house–admittedly, that’s partially my own doing–and I can no longer hear it when the mail carrier comes to deliver my mail, so one of the few times when I felt like “yes, I exist in the same world as other people” has gone away.

On top of that, I missed class on Thursday, due to my dentist’s appointment, combined with a certain…how to say it…lack of desire to attend that class after having to grind out a fifteen page paper in three days. I had e-mailed my professor already to let him know that I might be late or absent, and then I e-mailed him again on the day of the class, to let him know that I wasn’t going to make it.

I assumed that he would e-mail me in response, letting me know what the assignment for the next week would entail. (The syllabus is vague at best, and he never activates things on the class’s website until very late on Fridays.)

He did not.

So I had to wait for him to activate the information about the assignment online. Which was so late that I didn’t get to see it until I got up Saturday morning.

And it was ludicrously empty of information. In fact, all it had was the e-mail addresses of the people who were in each assigned group for the group project.

Now, according to the syllabus, the “project proposal” is due by next class, along with a “bibliography,” which might mean anything from this professor, including a five page paper. (Seriously, he assigned a paper once, calling it a “bibliography.”)

So obviously I need more information if I’m going to be able to complete the assignment! Like, you know, knowing what the heck the assignment actually is!

Therefore, I e-mailed the other members of my group right away.

I have yet to hear back from even one of them.

Despite that I prefaced the e-mail with the statement that I missed class, and therefore needed to know what the homework was. I then went into some detail about a suggestion regarding what we could do for our project (the basic information–that it’s another set of interviews–has been discussed in class several times) and pointed out that as I have massive social phobia issues, I can’t just leave it to the last minute and randomly pick out any old interviewee.

So, yes, the e-mail had a lot of information that might have been complicated to process. We’re all graduate students, so most of them probably have full-time jobs, family issues, et cetera, which I don’t have, because I have no life whatsoever. But seriously? Not one of them has even looked at their e-mail and seen that I have no idea what the homework even is?

For the last group project in this class, I did at least half the work. (And it was, I might add, the same group.)

Given that, you’d think they would want me to be in the loop as soon as possible. But apparently not.

Either that, or I no longer actually exist. Maybe I’ve ceased to exist, and I’m merely an echo that has yet to fade out.

That might explain why my brother didn’t get the “the game you pre-ordered has come in” phone call from the store earlier this week. Because I don’t exist anymore, so he actually did get the call, but because I don’t exist, he couldn’t tell me about it. Though that begs the question of who drove me to the dentist on Thursday, if I don’t exist. Or, rather, what happened then. I guess…ugh, I don’t know. I’m making my head hurt. Or maybe I need more caffeine.

If I knew that I was no longer real, then I could at least relax a bit. Stop worrying about class and money and stuff, and just let the effortlessness of non-existence wash over me.

Though that sounds rather boring, actually. I mean, I don’t like this class much, but the ones I’m going to take next semester sound like fun. (One of them’s on the fall of the Roman Republic! How could that not be fun?)

And while I certainly don’t like worrying about money, I’d like to find a way to start making some of it someday. Like by somehow publishing a book or something. (Yeah, like that’s ever going to happen.)

Maybe part of the problem is because I haven’t left my house since getting home on Friday. I think I need to get out of the house and go somewhere. At least the grocery store. If for no other reason than that I’m almost out of food.