As a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m often regarded as wise and classy. I can’t help it, that’s just something that is bred into our DNA as children, much like humility and a humble perspective. When I ride my Clydesdale named Manners to the ballpark, I’m there to enjoy fundamentals and to respect the game. I will not, however, stand for people using potty language, and I swear to heck – HECK I SAY! – that I will not stand for people using vomit as a weapon. I’m looking at you, Phillies fans.

Twenty-one-year old Matthew Clemmens pleaded guilty yesterday to simple assault, disorderly conduct and harassment after he intentionally vomited on a father and his two daughters sitting in front of him at an April 14 game at Citizens Bank Park. Clemmens and his friends were acting unruly by drinking, spitting and cursing, leading the 15-year old daughter of Michael Vangelo to contact security and have Clemmens’ friends removed from the game. That’s when Clemmens invoked his inner supermodel and sprayed chunky rain on Vangelo, who, by the way, is a local police captain. Of course he is.

Vangelo’s 15-year-old daughter asked the pair to stop the profanity, and Vangelo complained to security that Clemmens’ friend was spitting, with some of it hitting his 11-year-old daughter, Doyle said.

After the friend was ejected, Clemmens was sitting alone behind the Vangelos when he answered his cell phone and said, “I need to do what I need to do. I’m going to get sick,” the prosecutor said.

Clemmens then put his fingers down his throat and threw up on the father, with vomit splashing onto Vangelo’s younger daughter, Doyle said.

As if that wasn’t enough, Clemmens proceeded to punch Vangelo multiple times, all the while not knowing that the guy is a cop. Clemmens is apparently a master of the ancient Chinese fighting style of the Honking Octopus. After he landed a few shots, the crowd turned on Clemmens and El Puke-o was subdued only to receive a few punches from Vangelo and various other fans, just for poops and giggles, I’m sure.

Clemmens offered a full apology at his hearing, blaming poor, sweet, innocent alcohol for his crimes. The New Jersey resident (of course) had just turned 21 in March, so his attorney explained that he couldn’t handle that much alcohol. Regardless, Philadelphia fans have shown a great deal of outrage at this poor example of a fan, not because of his fighting, but because they’re required to start drinking at 11 years.