Last night the world was graced with yet another Bachelorette premiere, full of pocket squares and extremely straight teeth. There was a LOT to take in, but I’ve whittled the evening down to ten important bullet points.

Stuntman Leo is a giant Johnny Galecki with long ass Tarzan hair. And he may have a great bod, but anyone who uses the hashtag #donttakelifetooseriouslyis a no for ya girl SJ.

Jean Blanc’s passion for fragrances and his one billion bottles of cologne have forced me to revisit every perfume I’ve worn over the last fifteen years and all of the repressed memories that come with them (Olivia’s 6th grade boat party when Jon broke my heart?! Lord.) They are, in order, Gap’s Dream (duh), Tommy Girl, J’Adore, Narcisco Rodriguez for Her, and currently… well that’s none of your fucking business.

Becca is NOT here for the guy who knows her from back home but never asked her out before she was famous. I don’t know why she wouldn’t give him a second chance, it’s not like he told her fifty times that he only met her once even though they’ve meet MULTIPLE TIMES… Really driving her point home here, buddy.

I would NOT pay $22,000 for Becca’s gown, okurr? That is fucking crazytown and honestly the beads make it look kinda scratchy.

Socks aren’t cool anymore, guys. It’s just a fact. If you show up to ANY of the weddings I’m sure you’re attending this summer in dress socks, kiss your title as Style Icon – Male to the god damn CURB. Socks aren’t cool. Hem the pants short. Show us that ankle hair we so desperately crave??

Chicago grocer Joe will be on SOME type of spinoff show, no? The internet blew the fuck up last night over his leaving, but I have to assume he said or did some really weird shit to get kicked off so fast. She kept SO many hard 6s and yet he was out! Like honestly, he must have really shit the bed.

“Male model” Jordan isn’t the villainous hero America needs, but he’s the villainous hero America deserves. I look forward to MANY-A-SOUNDBITE from that fashion forward sonofabitch. Also he looks like he’s made of clay.

Garrett, who showed up in a minivan, taught her how to fish, and got the first impression rose, is a huge piece of shit. I don’t know how many of you sawthis article, but Garrett is a HARD PASS for me, dawg. Joking about feminists, trans people, immigrants, and teen victims of gun violence, while I’m sure is hilarious to you and your trash friends, is not really my VIBE, ya know? It’s also definitely not Becca’s vibe. It’s 2018, bro. Grow the fuck up.

If I were wearing a Bachelor mood ring right now, I’m guessing it would say I’m feeling very MEH. That’s a mood, right? I think the color is citron. MEH in the sense that I’m angry at Arie, I’m angry at Chris Harrison, and I’m angry at ABC.

So Chris Harrison stands here in front of an audience and says he’s still trying to process the finale, and I’m just so mad at him! Oh, you’re trying to process that super fucked up thing you did, where you tricked someone and aired it on TV? K. Take all the fucking time you need.

We kick things off by of course reliving the sinking ship that was this season, in particular Monday night’s finale when Arie proposed to Becca then ground her heart up into tiny particles so small that you can’t even see them with the naked eye.

Night two of this shit show, huh?! If you asked me where my life is going, I’d probably be required to say, “Straight to ABC!” because that is how much dedication it takes to be invested in this fucking Bachelor WORLD, ya know?

We’re in Peru for the fantasy suite dates, where he meets Kendall in the middle of absolutely nowhere.

We’ve somehow made it to the highly anticipated Women Tell All episode, and let me tell you these women better spill the god damn TEA about each other, because this season has been super fucking boring so far and I’d like to feel the familiar tingle of some dark twisted bachelor dramz fresh off the press. (Longest sentence ever? Maybe!)

Also, why don’t I get invited to these Women Tell All thingys? I live in LA! They probably film it around the corner from my fucking house and yet I get no invitation. Is it because I called Arie a dweeb? Ugh, fine.

Guys, let me break down the scene in my living room. We’ve got regulars Ciara and Jordan. But today we’ve also got Katie, and Jordan’s boyfriend Charlie. We’ve got energy balls, which are depleting rapidly. We’ve got wine! We’ve got SHRMP MOTHERFUCKING COCKTAIL! So why all this pomp and circumstance, you ask? Because this episode is HOMETOWNZ, and last year around this time Rachel was visiting Dean’s dad, and Dean was just writhing around on the floor in a tiny ball while his father served everybody mung beans. It’s a fun episode, okay?! My watch party is big this week.

You know what I said as soon as I pressed PLAY on my DVR last night? “Oh snap, we in Tuscany.” Yes, I’m known to be very observant. (Also, starving all the time.)

So the gal palz are in Italia and their first stop is Pisa, where Lauren B. immediately asks why the leaning tower of Pisa leans. Um, I bet there’s a fucking sign somewhere real close to where you’re standing that could answer that for ya. You know those museum plaques that are boring and have all the info? Check those.

Before I can get to the real nitty gritty of tonight’s dry shampoo-fueled circus, let me start by giving a round of applause to BIP bartender/Sarah Hyland’s boyfriend Wells Adams for appearing in the Puppy Bowl yesterday. (I’m sure you ALL knew that already, since you of COURSE watch the Puppy Bowl every year.)

EH-KNEE-WAY, they’re in Paris and Arie may or may not have a hickey on his Adam’s apple. Well, his Arie’s apple.

Guys, I’m going to be real with you because like Rachel Lindsay would say, I like to “keep it 100.” I missed last week’s recap because I was shooting a really cool project and was going to just recap last week’s here for you today along with the new one, but once you watch a new episode you’re kind of like, emotionally moved on from the previous one? So I’m not fucking recapping last week. Sowwy.