New Battleship trailer reveals aliens, red pegs

There’s a new Battleship trailer on the web, and once again Universal has failed to incorporate commenter Stallonewolf’s near-perfect tagline “Let the bodies hit D-4.” It’s sad, but we do get a more revealing look at what the aliens will look like in the $200 million board game adaptation. The answer is Boba Fett/Halo dudes with Predator mouths for hands, basically.

"E.T. PHONE AGENT."

In addition, we get to see how the red pegs of the board game will be incorporated into a movie about ocean-going aliens, since I know that was a big question on everyone’s minds. “The aliens will shoot them and make stuff ‘splode,” being the answer to that one. Still, no reveal yet of who’s going to be the one to deliver, at the climactic moment, that signature dialog “YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!” You know it’s going to happen. It has to. I can’t wait. I’m going to be so excited I’ll probably throw my coke at the screen and punch the guy next to me. “USA! USA!” I’ll shout, pouring liquid butter down my pants. That’s what the cinema is all about.

Be honest. If you remove Rihanna from this and call it literally anything other than “Battleship” everyone would be like “holy shit this is a crazy epic awesome CGI explosion fuckfest on the order of Transformers 3 + Bad Boys II.” Linking it to the board game is really holding it back.

It reminds me of when I saw the trailer for the first GI Joe movie, which didn’t mention the title until the very end. I was like, “This looks like a dumb, but fun action mov – what? How was any of that GI Joe?”

There seems to be an awful lot of SPLOSHUNS and 360 degree camera work for Michael Bay not be involved. I didn’t see anyone out-running the earth-crumbling-beneath-their-feet either, so it can’t be Roland Emmerich. Who the eff is directing this thing again?