Basis our ‘Indian ethos of inclusiveness and oneness with the land’ the ministry gave clearance for erecting the steel plant with 28 additional conditions and for the POSCO port with 32 additional conditions as part of environment clearance.

“It is common knowledge that steel is a nurturing element for Mother Earth,” Environment Minister Jairam Ramesh intoned. “Without steel, why would current car manufacturers around the world work towards non-polluting and alternate energy vehicles of tomorrow? Without steel, how would the whalers and trawlers engage on sea-life restoration projects to ensure our oceans still teem with abundant life when our grandchildren eventually go fishing?”

When asked why tens of thousands of villagers and environmentalists were still against the project, the Minister responded with a curt “because they are uneducated”. He went on to add that big projects such as the POSCO unit were actually very environmentally friendly. “That’s why they’re called iron & steel plants”, he said.

Meanwhile, environmentalists at the proposed site in Orissa have been fasting and fighting while feasting on Machha Curry, Bhendi Bhaja and steamed rice. These hardy believers have dodged rubber bullets and borne the brunt of the angry security forces’ lathis to ensure leaders of the Posco Pratirodh Sangram Samiti arrive safely in their Toyota Fortuners and Mahindra Scorpios. “Any damage to their expensive cars would require more steel to fix,” admitted a sheepish activist.

When this reporter pointed out that his children would most likely die of malnutrition, famine or drought, the agitated response was “at least my children will have trees.”

Regardless of whether their war against the erection of the 12-million tonne steel plant is won, the ability of the protest leaders to create a rebellion against the one single opportunity to alleviate poverty in the region has already secured themselves an assured berth on the next Government in Orissa.

The few statements issued by representatives for POSCO have never made it to print, primarily because they consist of meaningless Korean caws and mumbles.

A statement from the world’s Global Representative for Planet Earth and Near-Space, Hon’ Reuben Robert, left earnest news agencies baffled when he quipped “Since when did POSCO get into steel? I find their balls tight, bouncy and a joy to play with.”

This statement was later clarified by his spokesperson as a “minor confusion” with the sports brand COSCO.

Indian diplomat Madhuri Gupta, arrested on charges of spying for Pakistani intelligence agencies, didn’t have access to highly classified material but it was too early to divulge more details, Minister of State for External Affairs Preneet Kaur said on Thursday.

“I rise to inform this august house that as a result of our counter intelligence effort, we had reason to believe that an official in the high commission of India in Islamabad had been passing information to the Pakistan Intelligence agencies,” the minister said in a statement in the Lok Sabha.

When asked how the Ministry knew that the information was indeed not highly-classified, Minister Preneet Kaur said, “every Indian can witness for themselves that the information sold by Madhuri in return for an opportunity to rut like a bitch-in-heat with a huge and hairy Pakistani is indeed lowly-classified or mediumly-classified, as we will be publishing it on the fourth-page of all the leading Dailies.”

Members of her ministry have argued that the data should be made available on the Page-3 of the relevant newspapers, as it would be a true representation of her title as Minister of State for External Affairs. Sources close to the PMO have informed this reporter that the matter is being discussed.

Requests for one-on-one interviews with Madhuri Gupta by reporters for The Foreskin Press were repeatedly denied. Officials later confirmed that the prisoner said she preferred cut dick. Analysts speculate that this confirms the “true nature of her sexual addiction to yet another well-hung Pakistani.”

Upon hearing of this latest development, renowned author-writer and media mogul Reuben Robert was reportedly quoted as saying, “She would rather deal with an endowed, circumcised and hirsute Pakistani? Well, I assure you I’m not Pakistani.”

]]>https://foreskinpress.wordpress.com/2010/04/29/indian-diplomat-stars-in-desi-verison-of-sleeping-with-the-enemy/feed/2sizzler69madhuri-guptaMinister Preneet Kaur (Ministry of External Affairs)pakistani indian kusti wrestlerhttps://foreskinpress.wordpress.com/2010/04/29/indian-diplomat-stars-in-desi-verison-of-sleeping-with-the-enemy/Media Baron on Edge After Close-Shavehttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ForeskinPress/~3/K5sUxpRtvEQ/
https://foreskinpress.wordpress.com/2010/04/08/media-baron-on-edge-after-close-shave/#respondThu, 08 Apr 2010 12:36:57 +0000http://foreskinpress.wordpress.com/?p=276Earlier today, media-persons were sent into a tizzy when news of media-mogul Reuben Robert’s close shave on Saturday filled the rumour-mills across the country.

In keeping with his usual low-profile stance, reporters were seen camping outside his palatial Kottivakkam residence, his sprawling office, and his usual hang-outs all over the city of Chennai.

When reporters interviewed his driver-manservant, Thuyavan, a surprising number of important questions were answered. Here’s an excerpt of the ground-breaking interview:

Reporter : Do you know where Reuben is?Thuyavan : Who wants to know?Reporter : The whole world! What happened to Reuben? Is he safe? What was this close-shave all about?Thuyavan : Yes.

The driver immediately left to pick up Reuben at an undisclosed location.

Later in the day, excited media-persons were met by Ishwor Karki, Reuben’s in-house representative, who issued this statement, “Shri Reuben-ji would like everybody to be calm. He will be auctioning his collection of pocket-combs, curlers and 2 hair-dryers via Ebay India. A notification on the same will be issued shortly. His hair-brush with death is not for sale at this moment.”

Relieved news-persons left the premises shortly. Analysts are still speculating the effect this news would have on the stock markets come Monday morning.

Once a pretty much unheard-of sport, and completely dominated by the West, bodybuilding is now taking center-stage in India. What’s causing this sudden boom in body-building youth across the Nation’s gyms? Experts claim it’s the rising focus on health.

“Have you seen the number of gyms in Chennai!” exclaims a traveling bra salesman we spoke to. “There’s practically one on every street,” he claims while kneading a rather wrinkled 38-D in his hammy fist.

Bodybuilder V C Vinoth Kumar a.k.a "We See Vinoth"

Doctor Ben Dover Ensayaah attributes it to the changing trends brought about by fashion and propagated by the ubiquitous television. “Look at the people we see on TV these days… Is there even one unfit soul? Even I’ve begun working on my abs. Wanna have a look?” And the doctor attempted to lift his shirt. Luckily this reporter managed to avert his eyes before any permanent damage was done.

Who did you call chicken?

However, fitness icon and guru, Reuben Robert, had an entirely different take on the subject. “It’s the rising income-levels,” he proclaimed. “Finally, we Indians can afford to eat, as against barely subsisting or surviving. Young men now have access to food that’s actually healthy for you and rich in nutrients!”

Indian bodybuilders posing at a local competition

We later approached Reuben’s brother, professional bodybuilder Vinoth Kumar, for his views. “Why does everything have to be about how much I eat?” he growled, while shielding his plate of Tandoori Chicken. “As long as my ‘anna’ is paying for my diet, I’ll eat absolutely anything that can’t bite me back!” This reporter shudders at the narrow escape from those gnashing jaws.

"We See Vinoth" lounging at home in his underwear

Despite their low hygiene, lower IQs and non-existent morals, we are all in awe of the muscle-bound hunks around us.

While most people believe that bodybuilders are driven by a passion for strength, a fire for beating the limit, and sheer unbridled ambition, the truth is clear to only those in the know. More often than not, bodybuilders are driven purely by sheer conceit, the ability to dominate others, the sincere belief that they are superior humans and the God-like ability to be completely self-centered.

The network’s current choice of sad and revolting reality-based shows have left audiences asking if the people at STAR really were smarter than a fifth grader?

While the broadcaster still maintains that their programming line up aims to be bold and beautiful, the viewing public thinks otherwise. “What lame asshole would choose to play reruns of Friends over and over and over again for years on end?!” screamed one frustrated mother of three. A 12 year old we interviewed wanted to know if “Karan Johar really is a closet faggot?“

When the airline’s security head for Indian operations was contacted, he reportedly said, “It is the policy of Continental Airlines to frisk every muslim man, woman and child. It is the policy of the United States of America, in unwritten law, to be prejudiced and biased towards people of a particular faith, race, caste or creed. Aren’t you morons aware that your disgusting skin-colour only compounds the problem? You filthy Indians make me want to puke.”

Visibly disturbed reporters then contacted the operations head for Continental Airlines’ India Division. “Everyone loves being frisked,” said the agitated highly paid employee. “We particularly employ these bountiful babes who touch you in the right spots, make sure your family jewels really are your family jewels and to shake their booty at the slightest alarming indication. Fly us, and decide for yourselves.”

In the meanwhile, the normally hard-working, law-abiding, sincere and patriotic Indian Parliament was in an uproar over the incident. “We cannot accept this,” exclaimed a paan-chewing idiot politician named Laloo Prasad Yadav. “I may be Prime Minister tomorrow, and I will not take my shoes off!”

To which a smug Nitish Kumar was overheard smirking, “Thank goodness! As if his bad-breath wasn’t enough to kill everyone on the airliner!”

Continental Airlines has reiterated their commitment to customer service, adding that secure travel is the expectation of every passenger, employee and nation. “Once, our in-flight food was so bad, it even killed one of our pilots in mid-air during the course of a journey, but we still ensured every customer left with a smile!” The Airline staff also ensure every customer has a warm boarding, pleasant journey and secure arrival.

“We haven’t had even one single complaint,” says the airline’s public relation officer, Aparna. “Ever!”

Year after year, Indians undergo a collective punishment in the form of a seance session by having to watch geriatric fools tell them they know how to balance a trillion-dollar national budget mostly based on debt, besides themselves having to live off Government dole. The problem is compounded by the moronic national media in India who have always suffered from low self-esteem and the pressure of having to show themselves as being ‘responsible’, ‘mature’, unbiased’ and ‘in-touch’, while the entire national reels under the most weary hours of their sodden lives.

Hospitals across the country saw crowded waiting rooms and a rush of patients who mostly consisted of vacant-eyed drooling businessmen, stock brokers, budget analysts, retired pensioners, government servants, news anchors and other people above the age of thirty-five who claim to understand the budget sessions as they are broadcast live.

“We have also been inundated with numerous cases of people trying to gouge their eyes out, burn injuries from trying break their television sets, ear-drum ruptures from inserting sharp foreign objects repeatedly into their ear canals and even attempted suicides,” said one exhausted doctor standing in the crowded AIIMS lobby. “It’s a good thing we were prepared for this eventuality when we heard the budget session was being broadcast today.”

Schools and college authorities were relieved to learn of far fewer injuries among their wards. “It’s truly providential that no Indian youth worth his salt would ever be caught alive watching a program or channel covering turning-point events related to their own motherland and nation.” However, the worst is yet to pass.

Hasty measures by the Government of India to contain this pandemic includes a directive to the media and political parties to stop using the vomit-inducing phrase “Aam Aadmi”, while containment experts point to this as being the leading cause of acute nausea, itching, respiratory issues and other suicidal tendencies among the younger generation that missed the original broadcast.

Said one shaken resident of Delhi’s posh Vasant Vihar, “I saved my parents from turning into vegetables by insisting that they watch a rerun of Mumbai’s grand new bridge inauguration. God gave me the wisdom to differentiate between television programs that are useful and those that are dangerous.”

Stories of narrow-misses, near death experiences and incredible rescues abound. The nation’s collective brush with destruction at the hand of Pranab Mukherjee’s droning intonation and monotonous voice has angered lakhs of people who want to know why they are put through this harrowing experience year after year.

Meanwhile, morons from the opposition party, apparently titled the BJP, claimed that they could have done better and made an even lesser impact. When reporters asked what were the top three changes the fading and aging BJP would’ve made in this year’s budget session, a geriatric person named L K Advani said “Firstly in the order of presenation, secondly in the accent and intonation, and most importantly, in the saffron hue the budget rightly deserves.” When media-persons suggested that he may have confused the budget presentation with a bovine market sale normally held on the borders near Bangladesh, the angry party leader retorted “Jai Hind!“

“This day will go down in history,” said a spokesperson for the Naz Foundation, the people who actually brought the petition before the courts and have been fighting the case for 8 long years.

“This day I will be going down during history!” says a shy yet excited student supporter of the LGBTQ movement, referring to his college class.

Expecting to be touched by the hand of God, globally millions have instead been touched by their parish leaders, maulanas, temple priest, religious leaders and other god-men. With atleast one in three gay men acknowledging that they first indulged in homosexuality while either participating in a choir, sleeping in religious schools, dancing at temple functions and other related religious programs or events, the LGBTQ community have been startled to see their very initiators lead the protests against their own personal Frankenstein.

“Now I can tell the whole world of the special relationship I share with our community maulana,” exclaimed one particularly naive student of local madrassa.

“I’m sure my parents will be very happy that the man in my life is our church pastor,” said another Sunday School volunteer. “Everybody loves him!”

Hindus we contacted were particularly blase about the whole thing. This was attributed to the fact that despite acting straight, almost all of them were rampant closet faggots. “Everyone knows that to be a Brahmin you have to be dancing queen,” said a cheerful young boy adjusting the sacred thread draped over his shoulder and around his waist.

Telecom operators faced an unprecedented congestion of their networks as millions of pansies across the country called or texted a friend to bask in the wonderful news being blasted across all the news channels and the Internet too.

Under cover of anonymity, a burly policeman told this reporter “finally, all the stuff we do to our suspects in the debriefing room of the station has been legalized. To hell with the human rights watchdogs!” While the controversial Article 377 of the Indian Penal Code wasn’t struck down, it was however read down. This means the act of non-consensual sex would still remain a crime, thus protecting rape victims and ensuring criminal acts of sodomy are still punishable. To which the muscle-bound law enforcer assured us, “Don’t worry… We’ve got a grip on that!”

Meanwhile, in typical queer fashion, faggots around the nation have found a way to demean the most important occurrence in their, thus far, sad, measly and meaningless lives by deciding to throw massive parties in celebration of the ground-breaking judgment.

“Party on,” exclaimed a smiling Moily, India’s Minister for Law & Justice, and an unabashed supporter of gay-rights. “Party on!”

Using up 3200 crore man-hours and enough steel to go all the way around the circumference of the earth, the bridge still hasn’t solved the one single thing it was supposed to: Mumbai’s nightmare traffic congestion.

Getting past agriculture minister Sharad Pawar’s minions in order to ask him about the chaotic state of road traffic just hours after he and his boss, UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi opened the bridge to the public was a task more arduous than listening to Chidambaram speak. “What traffic jam?” he asked reporters. “We only travel by helicopter or aircraft – sorry.” This opportune position however did not stop him from trying to giving himself a brown-noser and the opposition a donkey-punch by vociferously suggesting that the new bridge be named after Rajiv Gandhi*, his boss’s long buried husband.

Weary members of the public caught up in the horrendous pile-up of vehicles at both ends of the spanking new causeway had a lot on their mind. “Who the [4-letter expletive] is responsible here?”, screamed one lady at a smiling attendant.

“Truly Indian“, sighed one elderly gentleman. An eminent proctologist from South Mumbai with clenched fists told reporters, “I’m looking for a slimey smiling netaso I can get to the bottom of this!”

Regardless of the public’s hardship and their pointed opinions, various news channels and papers have lauded the new bridge as the dawn of India’s engineering glory.

Surprisingly, kothis, hijras and eunuchs were in much fewer numbers, and the event was dominated by mask-wearing everyday regular people. “Thank God!” was what the organizers had to say when we asked them about the low turnout of the transgendered. However, there was no down-playing the flamboyant glamor of the event, with every closet queen turning up in their best and brightest, rainbow boas, scarves, frills and more.

Noted mask-designer, Paul, had specially designed face wear for himself and his friends. The masks featured beautifully hand-carved and hand painted motifs, and were bordered by bright pink feathers. When asked where he came up with the idea for the design, he said “I happened on an old and disused pink feather duster at the bottom of my mother’s cleaning cabinet.” Needless to say, the realization (that it wasn’t just the idea that came from that duster, but the materials too) swept everyone away.

The parade saw many of man’s four-legged friends joining the voices of support. Dressed in frills and bright beads, this dog was the center of attention, with the media hounding her through the afternoon. When asked what she thought of the draconian Article 377, she said “Woof! Woof!” When we asked her what she thought of her owner who brought her out on a hot summer afternoon with nary any water or shelter in sight, she said “Woof! Woof!”

A snide remark from one the participants left everyone rolling in laughter: “The bitches are always the center of attraction!”

Interestingly, there were scores of media persons crawling through the crowd, trailing wires, wares, microphones and notepads. Cameramen were seen focusing on areas of special interest, and many found it hard to control their ‘pointed’ interest in the participants. The skilled interviewers asked hard-hitting questions, much like their counterparts on TV. “Are you gay?”, asked one short bespectacled journalist of a frolicking skirted man.

A huge brawl over the free supply of sponsored Red Bull saw queens clawing and sashes shearing, and dreams destroyed, but the organizers down-played the incident. “See how active we are? See how we’re willing to fight for what we believe is ours?”

Tired but excited parade-goers had a lot to say once they arrived at the end of the march, the statue of Mahatma Gandhi, the father of India.

Media-mogul Reuben poses with a happy fan

“I hope Article three-sixty-nine is enforced,” said one exhausted queen who’d appeared to have been in the sun for far too long. “Because I can’t wait to try the legal version!”

“Three-seventy-seven must go,” squealed a feline male rubbing a dark bruise on his hand, “as must the bitch who stole my Red Bull!”