Category Archives: Journal Entry

There are times, just every now and again you understand, when I surprise myself in a good way.

Oh trust me, there are plenty of times when I surprise myself in a not so good way. Times when perhaps I think or respond in such a way that is contrary to how I like to conduct myself or like to think. And whilst these times are disappointing, even concerning, I seem to have almost accepted them as part and parcel of who I am. That is not to say that I like them or simply accept them. Because I don’t. And yes, they still bother me.

But when I surprise myself in a good way these times do tend to have a bigger impact or be more noteworthy somehow.

And yesterday (rolling into this morning also) was one such a time. Let me explain…

My daughter Janey has flown in and is visiting with me at the moment. and one of the things that she is keen to do, whilst she is here, is to get me out of the house more. And so she was keen that we did a few road trips, hiring a car just for that purpose.

At the same time, I have been really wanting to make this visit really special. And so – knowing that there are certain things which she has never experienced in life (or things which she only experienced when very young and thus can’t really remember) – we got in the car very early yesterday morning and went on a road trip.

I hadn’t told her where we were going, just that we were going on a road trip. Which, I kind of thought was important for her to know, since I don’t drive an d thus Janey would be doing all the driving.

Off we set, bright and early in the morning and drove across Ireland – which, as most locals and visitors would know, – is particularly beautiful, stopping for an early morning coffee at New Ross.

Before heading off again on our travels. I have to tell you that I love these times in the car together. As additional to the wonderful scenery that we experience, it also gives us time to just sit and chat with little to no distractions.

Our fist main stop was at the wonderful seaside town of Dungarvan. As I wanted Janey to see a small Irish coastal castle.

Dungarvan Castle is a polygonal shell keep. An Anglo-Norman fortification founded in 1185 at the mouth of the River Colligan. ‘Shell keeps’ are fairly rare in England and Ireland alike and this one is even rarer as it is one of the few ‘Royal’ castle to be built in Ireland.

But this was, for Janey, on our road trip to be but a small taste of what was to come. As from here we drove the short 20 minute drive over to Lismore and to the much more spectacular and breath-taking Lismore Castle.

Here is a smaller pic that we took from the car as we drove up to it.

I can’t even begin to tell you the joy I got from seeing Janey’s eye’s light up when she first saw it.

It really is a very impressive building The Irish home of the Duke of Devonshire. Sadly it is not open to members of the public but can be rented out if you have the mind and wallet.budget to do so.

Suffice to say I decided not to rent the castle for the day on this particular occasion, LOL. And so, once we had viewed it, we drove on and to the destination that I had in mind for us that day.

One of the things which Janey only experienced when she was very young and thus has very little recollection or true appreciation of, was going to the zoo. And so when we drove up to the Fota Wildlife Park in Carringtwohill, County Cork and once she had realised what kind of attraction we were at, it was a real delight to see the joy on her face. And that was something which continued as we experienced her seeing all the different animals up close (only 3 or 4 feet away) and personal.

Fota Wildlife Park – which I have never been to myself before yesterday – is set in some 70 acres. And man was that one heck of a long walk. Especially when you are built as heavily as I am and with the mobility issues that I have.

But the wildlife is extremely well cared for and have ample room to roam and to have a good and healthy and also -0 from what we could see – and interesting and well-cared for life.

I have to say that I personally, am not a fan of zoos etc. Nor of keeping wild animals in captivity for that matter. But this is, as far as I could tell, a very well managed Wildlife Park with an excellent ethic when it came to animal care and offers an excellent education and presentation of over 30 mammals and 50 bird species.

But that ‘ample room to roam’ that the animals enjoy whilst being excellent for them, did mean one heck of a hike for me. And that is the part which surprised me in such a good way.

Thankfully the park also has plenty of benches and seating areas dotted about along the route. And certainly we took our time going round the path. But man did it ever take a lot out of me an d this morning I am walking like a zombie.

BUT, and this is the huge one for me, I managed it! And additionally I am not in as much pain and not struggling as much as I thought I would be today. Of course, I accept that it is still early and I realise that I usually get worse as the day progresses after such things.

But I am claiming a victory here! And I am so grateful to Janey for the encouragement and support that she is. So yes, I have pleasantly surprised myself, and I am determined to achieve even more things today as well!

I wonder how many of you experience the same kind of thing as me? Time when it seems that you and your mind are at logger heads or at least not singing from the same song sheet?

This, I have to admit, happens to (or with) me a lot. And whilst admitting it could very well make some of you think I have completely lost it, I would politely remind you that this is a mental health blog and thus such a thing really isn’t to be treated with such shock, nor indeed any alarm.

And let’s be honest with ourselves here. Don’t a lot of us have conversations, dialogues with ourselves? Normally when we think others are not looking. “Who ever are you talking to?” “No one dear, just myself.” Must be (or something very similar) a familiar snippet of conversation to a lot of readers, I would suggest.

Of course regular readers will know that I have for a long time now put forward the observation and proposed the suggestion that a great deal of mental health or mental illness ‘symptoms’ are simply; exaggerations, magnifications, intensifications of what many of experience.

And, as such, it is less about the fact that these things are experienced and more about to what degree they are experienced, how or when they are experienced, and the impact that they can have, which is relevant or indicative of any mental health or mental illness issues.

And regular readers will also know that because of the frequent disconnect and indeed the constant separation that I often have with my own mind, I have taken to naming my mind and to calling my mind ‘Mini Mental Me’. Trust me, this makes explanations so much easier.

More recently, as my last post indicates, one of our disagreements was whether or not I should attend my scheduled psychiatrist’s appointment this morning.

Mini Mental Me put forward a number of observations concerning previous visits, suggested a plethora of potential disastrous outcomes of my attending said appointment. And did his best to generally dissuade me from such course of action.

But I am pleased to report that reason, plus the encouragement of others – including my kids – won out and I actually did attend as arranged.

And it went really well, despite all the thoughts and possible scenarios flooding through my mind (thanks Mini Mental Me, NOT)

In truth, one of the main reasons why decided to go is that one of my daughters – who has been home visiting with me for the past weeks and who has done a wonderful job of redecorating some of the rooms of my home, – for which I am extremely grateful despite the disruption and extra work this also caused for me 🙂 – is schedule to leave and fly home in a a day or two. And I know that this could potentially have a big impact on my mental health.

A possibility which the psychiatrist also recognised this morning and so she has increased the dosage level of my meds.

Just what good this will do and if the increase will have any effect in time for my daughter’s departure is of course unknown at this time, just as what impact my daughter leaving will have. But at least some preventative measures will have been tried and at least I (and my psychiatrist) recognise the potential for an impact to be experienced.

And if nothing else, at least Mini Mental Me has once again been proven wrong. Not that this seems to have too much impact on his zeal for disruption.

But because I had previously shared my struggle over whether or not to go to this morning’s appointment. Because folk had kindly encouraged me and thus deserve a report as to the outcome of their encouragements. And because I have promised to write more, and this is one way of achieving that (or at least contributing towards that) I thought I would let you know.

He sits. Not doing anything in particular and in fact particularly doing nothing.

That weird, inexplicable nothing which seems to consume time, simply regurgitating a world of emptiness in it’s place.

As if all the personal loans of purpose and direction have been consolidated into one more manageable loan of nothingness with periodic repayments of yearning.

And yet still the salesmen and saleswomen call, suggesting that he switches from his current plan to one with ‘greater benefits’ or ‘easier control’.

Some call with sincere care and a heartfelt belief that their plan, their world, offers more. And yet do they really understand, can they understand, that his world is not one which he wants to live in but one he can’t yet escape?

But then that’s the thing isn’t it? The difference in worlds. His world and theirs.

He doesn’t doubt their sincerity, nor even their caring and their love.

But caring and love belong in their world and seem exiled from his. At least right now, at least for the time being.

And caring and love are not – perhaps they need to remember – the visa which affords them right of entry into his world. They are but the application which might yet gain them that re-entry into his world or even – could it possibly be? – his re-entry into theirs.

And what of the journey? His journey? Perhaps, just perhaps, there is a reason for his being where he is right now.

Perhaps, right now, he can’t face, can’t handle their world? Except perhaps for occasional forays. Short visits, investigative trips. Errands and peregrinations of duty and obligation.

But what if this world, right now, is where he is meant to be? Perhaps there is some hidden reason, some hidden purpose for his captivity here? Perhaps some lesson to learn, some destination he is meant to find before he can truly leave. Before he can truly settle on an exit plan?

And what if that is the case? Who’s need is greater? Their need to rescue him from that world? Or his to journey through it and to determine his own port of exit from it?

See that’s the thing about caring – within the nobility of love don’t we also have to recognise our own need to give it? To show that love? Truly noble, truly selfless acts are so rare are they not?

True selflessness does not come from the need to reach out. Nor does it come from the need to isolate. For, either way, it does not come from the need to protect or be protected. Any more than the need to do good works comes from the need to show God we love Him. It flows from the very centre of who we are and is a natural [even supernatural] (needless, and thoughtless) response to who we are in Him.

So he sits. Not doing anything in particular and in fact particularly doing nothing.

That weird, inexplicable nothing which seems to consume time, simply regurgitating a world of emptiness in it’s place.

Yes, right now he is lost. Lost within that world. And yet what is his real need right now? Salesmen and women to call suggesting that he switches from his current plan to one with ‘greater benefits’ or ‘easier control’? Or someone who will simply sit with him and love him in the silence, someone who will show him it is ok to hurt, ok to struggle, ok to look up and believe.

Yes. Ok to look up and to dare to see the Father’s tears. And even dare to believe, yes perhaps even to believe that some, just some, of those tears could actually be for him.

And within that realisation to release the healings which have to, just have to, be held within them.

And who knows, perhaps to even give himself permission to free his own tears?

In my last post I wrote about ‘Mini Mental Me’s’ apparent addiction with ‘Thought Jenga’ and how it impacts my life. But I also wrote about the steps that I am taking to try and counter these effects and to get and keep my life on track. And one of those steps was to eat healthy and regularly.

So in this post I thought I would share something that I cooked up for myself 🙂

The evening before last I decided to cook myself a bacon and mushroom Carbonara.

And I have to tell you that it rally was so very tasty. And also far healthier than a lot of food that I usually eat – containing fresh ingredients instead of processed stuff.

Although the picture doesn’t show it very well, as well as the bacon it contained mushrooms and scallions. (Spring onions to those from the uk)

And I was delighted with the result and the minor achievement.

So much so that I determined that the following day I would cook myself a Beef Casserole!

Getting up nice and early I had my normal cup of coffee, took my morning meds, checked my emails and updated my blog comments and then went to prepare the meal for that evening. I was determined that I would do this and that I would get it write – despite any efforts to sabotage my plans on behalf of Mini Mental Me.

Also determined that this casserole would contain fresh vegetables – something I am not renowned for eating. I took three large carrots, two medium to large potatoes and a parsnip. And I stood and washed and then peeled them.

I then went and sat down for a while as standing for any length of time is not easy for me. That is something else that I am learning to do. Pace myself properly. As one of the difficulties is that often I don’t know that I have done too much until it is too late.

Once I had sufficiently rested I then returned to the kitchen and diced the vegetables into (roughly) equal sizes.

I decided to sliced some of the parsnip in order to roast them separately.

I had also decided that I would be cooking this Casserole in my slow cooker and so the need to ensure that all of the vegetables were about the same size was greatly reduced.

And so – having diced the vegetables – I put them in my slow cooker and turned my attention to the sauce for my Casserole.

I had decided that I would cheat a little when it came to the sauce/cooking liquid and so had bought a packet of Beef Casserole Mix and I already had a packet of Oxtail Soup mix in the cupboard (Or press as the Irish like to call them). And having mixed them I added these to my slow cooker also.

I then turned my attention to the meat. 400 grms of prime Irish beef and I seared this in order to give it a little bit of colour.

And I then also added that to my slow cooker.

I have to be honest and admit that beef is not something that I often eat and so I thought that it would make a pleasant change. Which, of course is why I went for a Beef Casserole instead of a Lamb Casserole.

Once all this was added into my slow cooker I stirred and seasoned it and then placing the lid on it left it to cook away slowly.

And it was about 20 minutes of doing this when I decided that actually I also fancied having some onion in the Casserole.

And so I took a fairly large onion peeled and sliced it. Whilst at the same time crying a little – obviously lamenting the loss of such a proud specimen from my newly acquired vegetable provisions. And added that to the mix.

And having done so I then stirred the mix one last time, replaced the lid on the slow cooker and then went back to my study to get on with some other stuff as it slowly cooked away.

And I have to tell you that whilst to most folk this would all seem like so much of a nothingness and such a normal everyday activity. As I sat there in my office enjoying the fragrant cooking smells coming from my kitchen, I could not help but feel very pleased at the fact that I had actually gone through with my decision to cook a fresh healthy meal for myself for that evening.

And more importantly I was delighted at the fact that nothing had gone wrong and that Mini Mental Me had not managed to cause me to forget to add something, or caused me to burn the meat – or even to forget to buy the stuff that I needed for this meal.

And it was at this point when my mind (and Mini Mental Me) through out the realisation that actually this was the day when I was going out to eat at friends before prayer meeting! Curse you Mini Mental Me!

So up I got and I went and turned the slow cooker off, resolving that actually I would not be dissuaded by this minor revelation and that I would simply have Beef Casserole for dinner today instead.

And that is exactly what I did. And to add to the dish I decided that I would even make myself dumplings to go into the Casserole.

8 dumplings to be precise. (But only because that is how many the recipe that I had would make and I really didn’t feel brave enough to stand there and give Mini Mental Me another chance to sabotage the meal as I tried to divide quantities of flour and suet and such.

So this morning I made said dumplings and placed them in the fridge until this afternoon when – having earlier remembered to turn the slow cooker back on i order to finish of the cooking of my Casserole – I added then this afternoon just 20 minutes before the end of the cooking time.

And there you have it. My Beef Casserole which I not only had for dinner this evening but will also have for lunch tomorrow.

Oh and this morning I also added some baby new potatoes into the mix.

I have to tell you that this was soooo good and probably the best Beef Casserole that I have had for a good couple of years now.

It is also the only Beef Casserole that I have had for a good couple of years now. But even so, I was delighted with it. And I really enjoyed it!

And the really good part is that not only do I have enough left over for some for lunch tomorrow but I also have enough to freeze for reheating on one of those inevitable days when my physical health is too bad for me to stand an d cook.

Which of course means one less take out or microwave meal and thus again helps with my plain to eat more healthily.

And so, as I said, whilst I know that to many this would seem like an everyday thing and nothing special, I am claiming it as a victory and am delighted with having done this.

Next step in my healthy eating plans – Healthy Homemade Soups! Something else I can cook up a batch of and then freeze and reheat when I am not well enough to actually prepare and cook myself a meal 🙂

“From little acorns mighty oak trees grow”, or a variation of it, is probably an expression which a lot of us are familiar with, isn’t it?

Certainly it is an expression or saying (or rather the more common variation of it) which I remember from my own childhood. Sadly, I don’t really remember who it was who used to say it. But certainly I remember it being said.

Or how about this earlier version (circa 1797) “Large streams from little fountains flow, Tall oaks from little acorns grow.”?

But, no matter what variation we are familiar with, I wonder just how much we have actually taken to heart the truth (and indeed the warning) that it holds? Or how many of us, like me, simply thought, “Yeah, yeah, oak trees grow from acorns. I get it.”

Mental illness and/or poor mental health can throw us some real curve balls in life can’t they? And these curve balls can present themselves in a number of different ways.

For me personally, whilst some things are a constant struggle – even a constant battle – I also experience episodes when everything changes, everything can seemingly crumble. And of course when this happens – when these episodes come – I am faced with having to pick myself up and to repair whatever damage was done in their duration.

But thankfully I am learning. Learning from those ‘little acorns’.

Learning to recognize those things – those bad little acorns – which, if not addressed as and when they come, grow into those mighty oaks which can, if I am not careful, seemingly bury me.

And I am learning from those good little acorns. I have come to realize that if I can do my best to control or keep in good order those things which are important it will not only reduce the chances of those bad little acorns coming, but also limit the potential damage that they can do if, and when, they do come.

And these can be the most simplest – even the most seemingly insignificant – of things…

Having a tidy and organized house not only really helps with my mental health in the good times, but it also allows me to cope much better in the bad times. And it also reduces the amount of damage that can result from the bad times.

Having and keeping good and healthy routines really seems to help me. And I don’t mean keeping a routine to a point where you can’t allow or accommodate spontaneity or accommodate variation. But where you have a good grounding or foundation in order to accommodate and cope with such things.

Keeping a check on and maintaining good order – wherever possible – with my bills and finances.

Eating properly and regularly is another one as it directly effects my physical health as well as my mental health.

Taking my medication properly is another area which I need to keep a very close on eye. As I struggle with memory and focus. So I have had to put systems in place in order to address this.

These are just some of the key points for me personally.

And whilst I admit that these may seem obvious -even automatic – to some. These are areas where I know that if I can keep an eye on them it really helps my mental (and often my physical) health.

And these little acorns (or my approach to and management of them) also serve another purpose and provide another benefit.

The way my mental illness(es) seem to work is that my mental health either crashes and plummets instantly or rapidly or it gradually declines over a period of time.

In the first case – crashing and plummeting instantly or rapidly – I and/or everyone else notices pretty much immediately. But in the second case – the gradual decline – it seems to happen in such a way where I just don’t notice until it is too late.

But thankfully, the fact that; my house is becoming less organized or tidy, or that I am seeming to be less organized, or that I am missing meds, or meals, etc. Are all things that others can and often do notice and so they recognized that these are indicators that something is going wrong or that my mental health is slipping.

Over the past month I have completed the 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge and I have really been challenged by doing so. But I have also noticed how it has gradually become harder and harder – taken me longer and longer – to answer each question or write each post.

Additionally, I have noticed how my sleep pattern has been suffering of late and how despite the best efforts of my Carer my house (and especially my study) is also becoming less organized and less tidy.

I recognize these signs and I know the potential of these little acorns. It is time to put them back in order. And whilst I cannot guarantee that this will stop the gradual decline in my mental health – which usually indicates the onset of some sort of episode, I can hopefully slow it down enough and limit its potential damage 🙂

The truth is that I am a clown. And any tears that I might shed might remove the face-paint and let you see – at least in part – beyond the happy mask that I wear and which you have become accustomed to. So instead, I just cry my tears within myself.

– Kevin A. Deane, August 12th 2014.

There are times, I will be honest with you, when I sit here in my study and in front of my laptop and I truly struggle with whether to write about that which is on my heart. And this is one such time.

This morning I learned of the sad demise of arguably one of the comedic geniuses of our age – Robin Williams. And whilst it is certainly true that his work and the humor and joy which he imparted over the years will go on for many, many years to come – he himself is no longer with us.

And how did he die? Was it as a result of old age? Was it to Cancer? Leukemia? Or some other form of terminal illness? I needed to know and so I checked the news reports. And the reports I read stated – “suspected suicide”.

How clearly those words leapt out from the screen of my laptop. How deeply the tragic implication of them impacted my heart and my mind.

My heart truly goes out to Robin’s family and friends and indeed to anyone who has been impacted by his death, but my heart also cries out “when will this stop?”

I asked myself the question above “How did he die? Was it as a result of old age? Was it to Cancer? Leukemia? Or some other form of terminal illness?” And in truth, I cannot help but wonder if in some ways – in some circumstances – severe depression doesn’t become a terminal illness in it’s own right?

I have personally experienced mental illness, poor mental health, for as long as I can remember and I have openly written about it for a very long time now. But even as a mental health writer, even as a mental health awareness activist am I not also sometimes guilty of hiding my own mental health issues and the depth of impact that these can and do have on my own life?

And as a society, are we not still all too often – through a lack of compassion, through misunderstanding, through a lack of empathy, through ignorance, ridicule, judgmentalism, inappropriate and unjust humor, and the application of stigma, – guilty of driving those of us who suffer with poor mental health and with mental illness into secrecy and virtual isolation concerning their illnesses and the effects of those illnesses?

Spend an hour or two checking out the many personal blogs out there concerning mental health and mental illness and trust me you will find a wealth of excellent, inspirational, informative and educational information concerning mental health and mental illness. But then try to find out who wrote each of them and you will soon see just how many of them – as a result of real or perceived necessity – are written anonymously.

Why? Well for the very same reasons I mentioned above.

In truth I know very little of Robin Williams’s depression or indeed how it effected him and his life and in truth I know next to nothing of the things leading up to the tragic loss of him. But how well I have known of Robin Williams’s work. Of his humor and his joy. Yes, for years I have known of them.

And, since I am being so open and honest here, how well I have known the cold hard relentless taunting of suicidal thoughts. Yes, for years I have known of them also.

I am thankful, truly thankful, that I have reached a place in my life where I feel I can be so open and ‘out there’ about my mental health. Likewise, I am thankful, so truly thankful, that I have a strong faith and folk in my life who are there for me when my mental health gets really bad. And I am not for one minute suggesting that Robin did not have such a faith or folk in his life.

But I am saying that I do know so very well just how crushingly alone and crushingly hopeless depression can make you feel, regardless of having such support and love in your life and partly as a result (whether direct or indirect – I have no doubt) – of the attitude which still exists towards mental illness and mental health.

In truth I mourn the tragic loss of the man, the comedic genius, the loved one, who was Robin Williams. But in truth I grieve even more that there is still such a stigma attached to mental illness and mental health.

And it is my fervent prayer that this will one day change forever and also that anyone who knows someone who suffers from mental illness and/or poor mental health will look beyond all the face-paint and masks and see the need all too often hidden and will reach out to them. Because so very often – and I speak these words with absolute sincerity and out of personal experience – we don’t know how to take the face-paint and masks off.

So I end this post offering my deepest sympathy to the Williams family and offering you (the reader) almost the very words with which I started it….

The truth is that I am a clown – a clown who suffers from mental illness. And the truth is that any tears that I might shed might remove the face-paint and let you see – at least in part – beyond the happy mask that I wear and which you have become accustomed to – and seem to prefer or at least find more acceptable. So instead, I just cry my tears within myself.

I saw this beautiful and yet sad picture over on FootSoldiers4Christ and it really impacted me!

I wonder what you see when you look at this picture?

A beautiful butterfly struggling with a rock?

A rock limiting a beautiful butterfly?

Is it a half glass empty v glass half full kind of question. Incidentally my normal answer to the question, “what do you say when you see a glass containing only half the amount of liquid it can contain – a) glass half empty or b) glass half full?” Is c) “Ok. which one of you scamps pinched half my drink?”

Actually the name of the above picture is “What is dragging you down?” Which I think kind of answers my question – at least in terms of what the person naming the picture thought.

So I ask that question next – what is dragging you down?

I have had a really wonderful day today. My son and his partner helped me with a big job that needed doing today and I am so grateful to them for doing so. But all through the day – despite the fact that our efforts were proceeding well and any obstacle encountered was moved or a way found around it (thank you Lord) – I have personally struggled.

Mentally I struggled with the voices and the negative internal dialogues. Physically I struggled with my health, the heat, my leg, and indeed my weight. These things were dragging me down, although I did what I could to hide it.

I also, along with much prayer, did what I could to fight through them and by the grace of God was able to.

So that is what I see when I see this picture. Neither a beautiful butterfly struggling with a rock nor a rock limiting a beautiful butterfly.

NO what I see is a beautiful butterfly taking flight despite the thing that tries to hinder it.

And that is my encouragement for each and every one of my readers today. “Yes we all have things which seem to drag us down or seek to limit us. But we don’t have to give in to them.“

I am blessed, extremely blessed to have a strong faith and a personal relationship with Christ. Through that and through the loving support of my brothers and sisters in Christ – especially at the church I attend (Wxccc) I gain; strength, encouragement, support and determination to go on.

So, as I make ready to turn in for the night, I leave you with that encouragement and with this adaptation of that wonderful picture…

OK so my leg isn’t really pregnant and yes I am fully aware of this. But I went, at my therapist’s request, to see my doctor yesterday and he advised me that I needed an ultrasound. And what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word “ultrasound” – yep pregnancy. Hence the weird thought pattern. But hey, sometimes you just have to see the funny side of things. 🙂

In essence the situation is that my leg needs therapy but the level of therapy that I can receive is dictated by my heart conditions.

So the position is that I have to get an ultrasound on my leg in order to dictate exactly what level of compression – which is all part of the treatment – I am safely allowed to have. And as the Doc advised me yesterday the ultrasound will also confirm the diagnosis of lymphedema and that it isn’t more cardiac related.

In the mean time – whilst I wait for the the ultrasound appointment to come through – he (my doctor) will be contacting the therapist and I should be able to at least start some sort of therapy.

So there is good news and not so good news on the whole leg issue. I have to be honest and admit that patience is not one of the things that I am abundantly gifted with, nor am I very good and sitting still and keeping the leg elevated as ordered. Although I am trying to be good in this respect.

It seriously cuts into the amount of time I can spend at the computer and this in turn really eats into the amount of time I can blog or write. And whilst laptops are fine, I just can’t seem to perch the laptop in such a position where I can write comfortably and have already tripped over the power cable on two previous attempts. So in the interest of health and safety I tend to avoid the whole laptop on the lap idea.

Of course when you experience poor mental health, and especially a schizophrenic condition, the voices and internal dialogues seem to latch onto such things and twist and magnify them in your mind – presenting a cocktail of all sorts of potential negative outcomes and accusatory jeers as to how you brought all this on yourself as a result of your weight.

Which of course there is some truth to. But then that is part of their trickery is it not? Using some basic truths (so that they have some credibility and are difficult to fully discount or refute) and then twisting and corrupting them beyond reason or rational thought.

It is often hard, for folk who do not have voices, to understand the full impact of them on the life of those who do. And I understand this, so in my blogs I try to demonstrate some of how these can impact us.

Actually, I am convinced that we all have internal dialogues and that for some of us, those internal dialogues can be such a negative thing. So imagine what they would be like if they were both a) constant and b) had an audible voice. Add to that the often grandiose almost delusional thoughts and frequently harmful thoughts an suggestions that they offer and perhaps you will get a better understanding of what it can be like.

Thankfully however, I am blessed with both a strong faith and an extremely logical mind. So I can at least (but no not always) reason things out to some extent.

But my heart goes out to those who suffer far worse than I do with such voices and thoughts. And my heart also goes out to the families and friends of those who suffer with schizophrenic conditions. I know from my own relationships just how frustrating our condition can be for those who love us.

But I am convinced that there is hope and that has to be there core message of my post this morning.

Whist it is, to some extent, true that our loved ones cannot directly penetrate those negative and harmful voices. They can influence them and they can impact them with; real, tangible, sensitive and constructive love.

I recognize the harmful and detrimental impacts and influences of both my voices and my internal dialogues and I praise God that I have both my faith and my logic in my armory and defenses.

But even more than this I thank the Lord for the wonderful family and church family that He has placed in my life and for the fact that God’s love knows no bounds. Not even my mental illness.

Well it has been a while since my last post and, as I was reminded, is probably way past time I posted an update 🙂

I have, as many of you will no doubt know, been having some serious issues with my leg and have been trying to get treatment for it and in the meantime have been ordered to keep it elevated as much as possible. Additionally the heatwave that we have been experiencing has only served to complicate matters – although I am delighted for all those who, unlike me, actually enjoy the heat 🙂

But having to keep my leg elevated has seriously impacted how much time I have been able to spend at my desk and at the computer and is partly responsible for my lack of posting recently.

The other reason for my lack of posting has been that what time I have been able to spend at the computer has been dedicated to getting some of my books edited and published.

I have been so touched, encouraged and in many ways humbled by the positive feedback that these are receiving and this has inspired me to wanting to get the series finished and out there so to speak. And I now have 9 books in the series out there on Amazon in paperback and kindle format – which is so encouraging, and I am now currently working on the 10th book whenever I am able. 🙂

In respect of my leg – or as I recently found out – my legs, since it seems that the other leg is also affected but to a much lesser and hardly noticeable level, I am still – despite my best efforts – awaiting news about when the treatment will start. Although I do have an appointment at the Foot Health Center on Friday which is at least something positive.

Mentally I find that my mind has been fairly tormented of late and that I am zoning in and out of depressive states more frequently. BUT the blessings are still there and thankfully, although tough to handle, these episodes have not been too lengthy. I never ceased to be amazed at how much God and my faith have brought me through and whilst the battle continues I know that I do not fight alone.

So there you have it, my update. I cannot say that things have not been tough as they have been. But what is more important is the fact that despite this I am still able to achieve things and that I know I am not alone in it all.

So my encouragement to you all, “No mater how hard it gets, keep on keeping on!”

Since it seems that I am unable to sleep tonight, although yes I am going to try again after I have posted this post, I thought that I would take a moment to post a quick update on what is happening with my leg as well a making an apology to all those who have posted such kind comments of late.

Firstly an apology – which of course is for my not having answered any of your comments of late. This was unavoidable really as I will explain whilst also giving my update.

I did manage to go to my appointment last Friday and indeed got a very positive prognosis providing of course that I do my bit.

I have to keep using the cream that I have been using to treat the skin and there were marked signs of improvement – which of course was encouraging as this was the biggest threat to the leg as it meant that the lymphatic fluids were either near to or beginning to leak through the skin.

I have been so very blessed by all the prayers and support in respect of this and am delighted to be able to say that when my son and his partner checked the leg for me this morning both he and she commented on how very much better it looked.

In respect of the swelling itself and the possible treatment that I can get for this I am still waiting to hear just what treatment I am able to receive. As many of you know I have a heart condition and some treatments are contraindicated for someone with a heart condition and even if I am able to have the treatment that is being considered the level of treatment is dependent on my doctor and so that is what is being decided at the moment.

Hopefully I will hear about this in the next few days. Additional to all this but still part of it, because I am also diabetic and because I am diabetic I also have to see a chiropodist and the earliest appointment that I am able to get for this locally is not until the end of the month and so we are trying to see if we can arrange an appointment slightly further afield and members of my church have kindly agreed to try to provide transport for this.

In the mean time – in order to safeguard the leg and address the swelling I am wearing a compression bandage and having to keep my leg elevate as much as possible – this has meant that the time I am able to spend at my desk on the computer is extremely limited and this is the reason for the lack of posts and indeed the lack of responses to your very kind comments.

One slightly surprising piece of news from my appointment is that whereas I thought that only one leg was affected it seems that there are early signs that the other leg is also becoming affected.

This is of course concerning but not too concerning as I am confident that once everything is sorted in respect of my heart condition and its implications on the type and level of treatment I can have, this will also be addressed.

In the mean time I am doing my bit by keeping my leg elevated as much as possible, using the creams regularly and wearing the compression bandages. I am also extremely blessed as my church have very kindly contributed to the cost of the treatment that I will have to have over the forth coming weeks.

So there you have it both my sincere apologies for not having posted or responded to your kind comments and indeed an update on how much more positive things seem.

I also want very much to thank everyone for their kind prayers. I have said many times over that without my faith I would be dead by now and I make that statement in all honesty and with no exaggeration at all.

My faith is so very important to me and I am convinced that the progress that is already being seen is in no small part down to those prayers and to God’s grace. When all this came about I prayed so very hard about it and determined that I would stand on God’s word and rest in His love over all this and that is what I have tried to do.

As soon as I have more news as to the exact treatment I will post again but until then please forgive me lack of posting, but I am determined to keep my leg elevated as much as possible which means that the time I actually do get to spend at the computer is used for other things such as emails and managing the websites that I manage for folk.

I haven’t been posting very much lately and I apologize for that but I promise you there have been good reasons and not least of them being that I have needed to keep my leg elevated. So sitting at my desk has been difficult and limited.

It is Friday evening and I am so very tired. Sleeping has been so very difficult of late for several different reasons. Even so I am trying to remain positive and to ‘keep on keeping on’ as they say.

Yesterday was my birthday and I really did have a pleasant day. My son and his partner came over and bought me probably one of the most thoughtful presents I have ever received – which I am going to keep secret for the time being but will share about in a later post some time down the line.

I managed to keep my birthday a secret from most folks – which always pleases me – and I also managed to get some personal correspondence written. It has been on my mind to write it for some time now but things kept seeming to get in the way.

In my last post “Days of The Crows” I explained how the voices have been at me of late. I mentioned some of the misunderstandings, falsehoods and the such that have been upsetting me but what I didn’t mention was the underlying environment in which this has all happened. Mostly because I needed to get my head into a place where I could rationally talk about it.

Regular readers will know that I have for some years now suffered from extremely poor health and as a result of this (well mostly as a result of this) have had a constant battle with my weight. The more regular reader will know that I also have a condition in my leg which make it swell up from time to time and then go down and stay relatively down (and relatively normal) at other times.

Over the past few months however I have noticed that it has not been going down and in fact has remained constantly swollen. Over the past 10 days or so not only has the leg been swollen – far more than usual – but the foot on that leg has also become swollen – so much so that even if I can managed to struggle and force my shoe on it I can’t do the thing up.

Additionally the skin in one area at least (I can’t see all of the leg) is starting to break down, which I was warned is the early signs of atrophy and which could very well be the beginning of the end for that leg and might lead to amputation.

I don’t even know how fast that process happens once it has started.

It’s a very scary thought isn’t it?

I mean I try to do all that I can – I have been applying the moisturizer where I can – (not only can I not see all the leg I also can’t reach it all) but whilst the skin damage is still (I hope) in the early stage, it does mean that the breaking down process has begun. Which, trust me, is both very scary and very worrying.

Apart from one or two close friends at church (and I do mean only one or two) an of course my kids/family, I have not been able to speak about this up until now as somehow the more you speak about it the more real it becomes. But over the past day or so I have decided that not speaking about it isn’t fair.

I had promised – when starting this blog – that I would, within reason, be honest and open in my writing and who knows there may be others out there who are going through the same thing.

The good news is (and yes I always try to see the good no matter how bad things appear) that I have an appointment on Monday and will be able to get some expert advice on it and I am hoping and praying (and yes please do pray if you have a faith) that the prognosis will not be as bad as my mind thinks (and the voices say) it is.

The truth is however that I just don’t know an will not know until Monday. But even so, I do have my faith and I do get such strength from that.

And I know that whatever happens He will bring me through this!

I probably won’t be posting much over the weekend but hopefully that is just because I am being sensible. I can post from my iPhone and of course answer comments but if honest I find that difficult and so will probably only answer the occasional comments from there.

But whatever happens I will post on or around Monday and let you know how I got on. Until then remember God is good and I have absolute faith in Him and in His love.

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Well it seems like weeks since I last posted something and having checked my dates that is probably because it has been 🙂

Apologies for that but I assure you that there have been good reasons.

Part of those reasons has of course been my health but the main part, the good part, is that one of my daughters flew in from the states for a couple of week holiday here at home and ended up staying for a month!

I can’t begin to tell you what a blessing that was for me, not only because she was here and we got to spend so much wonderful time together but because we also went to a ton of different places here in Ireland.

Psalm 127:3-5 (in the NIV) says…

3 Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from him.4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.

And I for one can so relate to that.

My children are such a blessing to me and having Janey here with me blessed me so very much.

I got to take her to some of my favourite places here in Ireland, as well as exploring lots of new and wonderful places with her also,

But the biggest blessing for me personally had to be being able to go to Church and our mid week Bible Studies with her.

Physically, of course, all this activity has taken it’s toll – although I am sure that in the long run it will be beneficial 🙂 But mentally I feel so very refreshed and much better!

And we even got to drive across country to go round the beautiful Ring of Kerry!

Some 498+ miles in one day but boy was it worth it!

Of course the house feels empty now and poor old TJ ( my faithful companion and man’s best friend as they say) keeps looking in all the rooms to see where Janey is hiding. 🙂

No of course it is back to the normal routine and so I should be back blogging as usual. But I did want to apologize to you all for being so silent over the past month, and to those who have emailed me also and are still awaiting a reply.

To be honest by the time we returned home I was just too tired to post or email folk back but it is on my list of things to do and I will get to it shortly I promise.

Not knowing where he was, not understanding how he was where he was, how he got there, what had happened, he looked around.

What he was sure of was that he had not been here before. What he was also fairly sure of, well as sure as one can be in such circumstances, was that just moments ago he was laying asleep in his bed.

But now, well now, he was somehow somewhere completely different and completely new. And so, bewildered and bemused, he stood and looked around him.

There before him lay a long narrow path leading to a small hill. Next to it was a long crystal clear river. Looking down he saw his reflection in the river, and it was then that he noticed his clothes, or more specifically the long amazing multi-shaded coat that he was wearing.

Taking the hem of his coat in his hand he looked at the fabric. To his amazement it was made up of tiny pictures. Pictures of things that had happened in his life. Things he had done with others, to others, for others, and things that others had done with, or for, or to him.

As he viewed them he soon noticed that some were colorful and happy, whilst others were dark, grey or black and white.

Looking down at his reflection in the river once more he couldn’t help thinking how much more colorful his coat would be if it only contained bright, colored pictures.

Returning his attention to his surroundings he then spotted what he thought was a figure on the hill in the distance. Static, almost surreal, the figure seemed to be beckoning him onwards.

He considered his circumstance. He knew not where he was or how he got there. He knew not where he should go, nor indeed who the figure in the distance was. And yet somehow he was neither concerned nor afraid. Somehow he was but at peace.

Walking on he slowly approached the figure who had beckoned him and on approaching him he could sense such peace and love from this man.

“Can you tell me why I am here, or even where I am?” He asked the figure.

“Has not your life, for so long now, been leading on this self-same path?” Was the smiled and only response from the man.

Kevin thought for a moment or two.

“You seem confused.” The man suggested.

“Have I died?” Kevin asked. “Is my walk now over?”

“No my child.” The man comforted him. “This is but a vision, a momentary pause.”

“Why?” Kevin asked. “Why the pause?”

“Perhaps there is something you must learn.” Came the gentle response. “Is there something on your heart?”

At first Kevin remained silent, and then slowly he looked once more at the coat he was wearing.

“Yes my child?” Came the gentle encouragement for Kevin to give voice to his thoughts.

“Um, well, I mean, well it’s this coat,” Kevin spoke softly almost nervously. “It seems to be made up of so many wonderful pictures. Pictures of my life. Bright, colorful happy pictures, and yet amongst them are so many dark, black and white and less happy pictures.”

“Yes indeed.” The man smiled. “And?”

“Well,” Kevin continued, “I know that you have brought me this far and indeed through all of those times, but I wanted so very much to stand before you and make you proud of me.” Again he fumbled with the fabric of his coat. “And it’s just that, well I can’t help wondering, thinking, how much better my coat would look if none of the darker, sadder, black and white pictures were there.”

Sheepishly Kevin looked up into the eyes of the man before him.

Gently taking Kevin by the hand the man led him once more to the river side.

Look at your reflection,” he told him.

Kevin did as he was told and to his amazement all of the darker, sadder, black and white pictures had gone.

Tears began to form in Kevin’s eyes and then trickle slowly down his cheeks.

“What is wrong my child?” The man asked lovingly.

“It’s my coat.” Kevin offered through his tears, “It has lost all of his marvel and wonder.” He sniffled as he lifted the fabric to show the man.

“I thought that if all the sadder, darker greyer, black and white pictures were to go,” Kevin continued, “I would be left with wonderful, bright and happy colors.” He glanced once more into the eyes of his companion. “But instead there are holes, gaps, missing pieces, and even the wonderful bright happy colors of the pictures that remain seem less happy, less colorful, less bright.”

The man smiled. “And so the child learns the lesson he was to learn.” He smiled. “For many times in your walk will you face times less happy, less bright, less colorful. Many times will you face sadness, trials, difficulties and even great hardships. But remember even these times have their purpose, and even these times can be used for my glory. Yes even those darkest of times can I use according to my will and my purpose.”

“I, I am so sorry.” Kevin whispered. But his words were met not with anger or disappointment but with love and warmth as the man simply directed Kevin’s gaze once more to his reflection in the river.

There in front of his eyes his coat was restored to how it was before, no gaps, no tears, no holes, no missing parts. Happy parts, sad parts, shaded parts and glorious colorful parts all back together in their rightful place once more. Once more it was complete and whole again.

Looking up Kevin looked for the eyes that had met him with such love and compassion. But instead of seeing them all he saw was the wall of the bedroom he had been laying in before this had happened.

“Yes Lord, the child has learned the lesson he was too learn.” Kevin whispered through a yawn. “And he is grateful Lord.”

Sometimes in life we come across folk who seem to react instantly and badly to things that happen or that they think have happened. Don’t we?

You know, those who seem to throw their toys out of the pram the minute something goes – or seems to go – wrong.

And the fact is that we have probably all, or at least most of us, done this at some time or other in life.

And in truth it is a behavior which we see in most toddlers.

Won’t they (and we when we were younger), at one point or another have done this – thrown their toys out of the pram?

When it first happens most parents will; bend down pick up the toy, brush it off/clean it, and give it back to the toddler concerned.

Sometimes, of course, the toddler sees this as a being fun. So naturally they throw it out again, and often the parent will repeat the whole returning process.

But of course with human nature being what it is, the more this happens the more rewarding it becomes for the child and equally the more frustrating it becomes for the parent.

So the process reaches a point where the parent cottons on to the fact that it has become a game and so – not wishing to reward the child or encourage it and allow it to become a learned behavior – they simply warn the child (if the child is old enough to understand) or simply refrains from returning the toy to the child.

It is, I think we would all agree, a perfectly natural and common place event in childhood and parenting is it not?

But what happens when it isn’t a child involved? What happens when it is an adult and not toys out of a pram but people out of a relationship? And what happens when the learned behavior is already their and that person – being discarded – is YOU?

I am, I think, many things to many people. Different people see me in different ways and that again is, I think very natural. To some I come across as very approachable and very caring. To others – or so it seems – I come across as detached and uncaring. To some the practical joker and yet others a very serious, deep thinker.

Actually, I can even remember one time when I was standing next to a lady in church – whom I had known casually for some months but never ever really had a cross word with or any long or noteworthy conversation with – when she turned to me and said, “I have to tell you Kevin, you really scare me. I just find you so intimidating.”

I have to admit that I was both stunned and somewhat surprised by the revelation and how it seemed to come out of absolutely nowhere.

I also have to admit that I was very saddened by that revelation. After all, it isn’t as if I am some sort of Ogre 🙂

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that I am a big guy. Actually a very big guy and I accept that my size can make me a little intimidating.

I also understand that the way my mind works I am often deep in thought and do on occasion – either as a result of my schizo-affective disorder or my Aspergers – sometimes respond more deeply (or conversely say simply things) which others would perhaps hold back on.

But none of these are intended to push people away or intimidate. And neither of them demonstrate how deeply I do care about people.

Actually, I personally think that it is something that people often get very wrong about folk who experience mental health struggles and especially those of us who have Aspergers. They somehow think that we just don’t care or do not have emotions on the same level that they do.

The truth is of course, – or at least in my experience the truth is – that they are very wrong and we do care – sometimes more deeply than others may – we just demonstrate it and process it in different ways.

So when something happens and someone gets upset and throw’s YOU out of their pram, closing the door to you and ceasing all communication it can be very hurtful.

Not least of all because it means that you can no longer show them the love that you have to offer and which in a lot of cases they actually need.

It is of course quite natural to say, “Well good luck to you then. If you don’t need me or my love then who cares?” But the fact is that deep down inside, perhaps under the initial hurt, we do still care don’t we?

And to accept anything else, to stop loving that person, to allow our focus to be on any hurt, to allow those hurt to become bitterness and to fester is unhealthy for them, for us and as Christians to our faith.

No, I am convinced that the truth is that when this happens our loving them doesn’t have to stop. The only thing that stops is their ability to see and fully know how much we love them perhaps.

So instead this is when our love, which by now admittedly probably has a greater cost to us as we need to surrender those hurts, needs to take a different form and to be offered solely in prayer.

And whilst it is true that prayer should have formed part of our love for them all along, it is in the surrendering of those hurts – in the heartfelt love and caring for the person who has caused us that hurt by rejecting us – which will also guard our heart against bitterness.

And that in turn allows our doors to remain open for when they have calmed down or seen things differently – perhaps more clearly. And in so doing – to allow for the healing that needs to take place.

Why am I blogging about this now? Well because a couple of days ago this happened to me. A misunderstanding caused someone, someone I have known but a few days and yet already care so very deeply for, to throw me out of their life and to close the door on my love.

Did it hurt? Yes very much so. But as I have said, it is at times like this when our love must take a different form. Why? Because that is what love is and that is what I know God would want for and from us.

Well it has been a long time since I have done a serious post. Certainly much longer than I had anticipated or would have wanted.

In my post “A. W. O. L.” (posted March 4th) I briefly explained how I had not been well for some time and how due to this (and the cold weather) I had not felt able to post anything coherent or noteworthy.

I also thanked everyone for their very kind concern and messages of encouragement and “well-wishes” and would very much to thank everyone again now.

The good news is that I am very much on the mend now and have been busy working away on a couple of projects that I have been wanting to do for a while now.

The truth is that I had found myself in a bit of a hole, quite a deep hole really – and I would wager I am not alone in experiencing these.

I knew that I was in one and indeed could see the light at the end of the tunnel and hope that I would soon reach the end of it, but actually reaching it was something entirely different!

Mentally I have been struggling also. Thankfully not so much that I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Isn’t that often what depression can be like? That no matter whether the light is there sometimes we just can’t see it?

Physically I have also been struggling and sometimes, no matter how bright the light or how desperately I may have wanted to get to it, I just haven’t had the strength of means to reach it. So it was as if the light at the end of the tunnel seemed unreachable for that time.

Thankfully I was not alone in all of this. I had the kindness of many of you and the support and care and encouragement of my family and friends and my church family and even more I had (and have) my faith to help me get through it all.

So I am very encouraged!

Not only do I feel much stronger but now I even feel as if I am climbing out of that hole that I was in and I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things! (Of course I have to exercise wisdom and caution and ease back into things)

As I said before, I am so thankful for all the care and support that I have had and for all your kindness. I am also extremely thankful for my faith which has without doubt helped me through this last episode 🙂

There is, I think, a certain pre-conditioning that sometimes takes place when you are a male and, I have to say, a British male.

Now I have to qualify that comment by admitting that it could well be that the same pre-conditioning could happen to you if you are female and indeed if you are not a British male. But being neither female or non-British I am of course not qualified to make such a claim.

Being male and having been born and raised in England and having educated along with and growing up around lots of other English boys I can tell you that the pre-conditioning – the “keep a stiff upper lip” mentality that I speak of was very common.

And in my childhood so too were statements such as “Stop crying! Boy’s don’t cry!” and “if you don’t stop those tears I will give you something to cry about” and “Stop your sniveling, I didn’t hit you that hard!”.

It – the “boy’s don’t cry” mentality is an approach and a mentality that I have sought to combat in the raising of my own kids. And statements such as those mentioned above, that I heard from my father, I have actively avoided saying to my children. They are all so very harmful aren’t they?

Crying, whether you are a male or a female, is OK! Not only is it OK, but it can be totally understandable and acceptable and even healthy. It can offer such a heart-felt communication and release. And after all did not Christ himself cry? (John 11:35) Wasn’t he male? And a full grown man?

But what happens when you can’t cry? What happens when every fiber of your being seems so much to want to cry but you simply can’t bring yourself to do it? What happens when the tears won’t fall?

As I said, I have fought against that “stiff upper lip” and “boys don’t cry” pre-conditioning and indeed can and do cry on different occasions, but for the past few days now I have so desperately felt the need to cry and yet have been unable.

Physically my health is as it usually is. Spiritually I am, as far as I know, as I was. I even managed to get to church on Sunday and bible study last night which was a real blessing and I even managed to stay relatively focused. But emotionally and mentally something is desperately wrong and it is so unsettling.

There is of course always hope and I know and recognize that and I continue to speak that hope into my current depression. It is hard, so incredibly hard isn’t it?

But I am not alone despite the fact that it feels that no-one other than a great and merciful God could even understand, let alone penetrate, such a blanket of darkness.

And yet He does understand and He will penetrate it, my part is to be open to that and to invite that and claim that. So out of that darkness, when the tears won’t fall – yet even so my prayers will rise.

2 Nuns were driving down a fairly narrow jungle track in their jeep. They were working as missionaries in a jungle childcare facility and had taken the small child, now sat in a booster seat in the back of the jeep, to the local doctor and were on their way back.

Suddenly the jeep spluttered to a stop and the nun’s suddenly realized that they were out of fuel. “I noticed a place about half a mile back where we could get some fuel.” One nun told the other.

“Yes so did I Sister,” the other nun agreed, “but this jeep is too heavy for us to push and we have nothing to put any fuel in.” she observed.

Looking around the jeep all the nuns could find by way of containers was the child’s potty laying on the back floor of the jeep.

“Well it isn’t much.” One nun observed. “But perhaps one of us could walk back and get some fuel in this and God willing, if we are very careful, that will be enough to get the jeep started and get us back to the fuel station where we could then fill up.”

So that is what they determined to do and as one of the nuns remained behind to care for the small child and pray, the other nun set off.

After what seemed quite some time the remaining nun caught site of the other nun gingerly walking back trying not to spill any of the precious fuel out of the make-shift potty container.

Once the nun had reached the jeep the other nun opened up the fuel cap and as one nun carefully tried to pour the potty’s contents into the fuel tank the other nun prayed fervently.

Just then a local villager walked past herding his flock. As he approached the two nuns he could hardly believe his eyes. After all it isn’t everyday you see a nun pouring the contents of a potty into a fuel tank as another nun stands over her praying.

“I have to tell you Sisters,” the villager told the two nuns as he stopped opposite them, “I am not a religious man myself, but I have to admire your faith!” LOL

To be honest I am not really sure what brought the humorous story to my mind this morning. I think it was something that I said in response to one of the comments made on my post from yesterday. But it is kind of humorous isn’t it?

And of course there are several points and several truths that can be drawn from the story also…

Sometimes we do run out of gas/fuel don’t we? Mentally this can happen at the worst of times. Times when we really need to keep going but just don’t seem to be able to or to have the means to.

Such times call for us to work together and to use whatever resources are available to us. Of course sometimes we don’t feel we have anyone to help us or any resources available.

It’s at times like these when we really have to improvise. To look beyond the usual and to find ways of coping. Potty into make-shift fuel can for example.

It is also at times like these when we have to review our objectives, perhaps take a step back or two. The nuns in our story had getting themselves and the child back to their childcare facility as their objective. But they had to take their eyes off of that and look back a little bit before they could go on.

Don’t we have to do that sometimes, especially when we are struggling through a bout of particularly poor mental health?

And what about the faith aspect of that story?

After all the one nun had to walk half a mile with an open top potty trying not to spill the fuel and then carefully try to pour it out of the same potty (with no lip) into a small hole in the hope she would get enough in there in order to be able to start the jeep and get back to the fuel station.

Don’t we often face situations where the odds against us seem just a poor? Situations where the only thing we have going for us is our own determination and (much like that one nun with the other prayer for and over her) the prayers of others?

I have to be honest with you and admit that I can so very much relate to that story at the moment. I am so empty when it comes to mental and physical and emotional and even spiritual gas/fuel at the moment and the only thing ‘potty’ around here seems to be what I am becoming.

And yet I do have faith and I do have prayer and thankfully prayer support, and whilst this might not be understandable to some it is so very important – absolutely essential – to me. And most importantly I know that with God’s help, through my own determination and with prayer and prayer support I will come through this.

As I said, there are several truths that we could draw out of that little story and I know I have only drawn out a couple of them. But I did want to thank those who are praying for me at this time and I did want to let you know how very important they are to me.

And more importantly, I am so very mindful that so many folk seem to be struggling at the moment. I want to share that there is still hope and that if I can help in any way, perhaps by praying for you, please do just let me know.

…and Surviving The Attacks!

Well it has been days since my last post. The truth is that I have been really struggling mentally of late. I haven’t even been able to get to Church or Bible study lately and I can’t begin to tell you how much this has been affecting my mental health.

I am incredibly mindful at this time, having read some of the blogs that I usually follow, that actually this is quite a minor thing compared to what others seem to be going through at the moment, and yet, as minor as it is, it is a huge thing to me.

But then that is often how poor mental health works isn’t it? Things that others may view as being small, insignificant or unimportant are so very important to us personally and certainly I try to remember that when reading other folk’s blogs.

That it isn’t how I would or do respond to such situations as they are going through but how they respond to them and I try to love and pray through that perspective.

In fact my mental health seems to be pivoting on a knife’s edge at the moment and I am struggling to keep myself stable. That is not to say that I do not know which way to lean if I sense myself staring to fall.

It is at times like these when I like to, need to, take stock. To look at what I have still been able to achieve and to build on those things whilst cautiously, carefully addressing the things that I still need to achieve.

There is little doubt that there are things that need attending to but the question is how to attend to them…

Prayerfully building on that which I have already been able to achieve is certainly a good place to start. But at the same time being realistic about what I still have to do.

Additionally I need to be mindful of what I am “able” for in my current state of mind, whilst at the same time being mindful of anything that needs my attention now.

This is so that it does not become a major headache or issue within the next few days thus negatively effecting my current delicate mental state.

Being open and honest with others when you are in this kind of mental state can be so very difficult can’t it? But then being open and honest with yourself can be equally as difficult.

But that openness and honesty is, in my opinion, the doorway to getting the help that you need at times like this. That is providing of course that such help is available to you and you know how to access it.

I entitled this post “Standing Firm In The Struggles…”…And Surviving The Attacks!” and I did that for a reason.

I have often written of how, in my experience and opinion, our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health all interact with each other in respect of our well-being.

As a Christian I have long-since learned that my help comes from the Lord, and He has to be the very first port of call at times such as these.

But as a Christian I am not an isolated or solitary person and nor am I meant to be. I am member of Christ’s family and that help should also come through my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have little to no doubt that my not having been able to get to church lately has affected my mental health and I have little doubt that my current mental state is – to some degree or another – part of an attack.

So I stand on the encouragements to be found in the full armor of God as described in Ephesians 6 and I remember especially the words of Ephesians 6:13

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Now I freely accept that it could be just another facet of my mental health at the moment but I really don’t think it is.

When I go to the “Manage My Blogs” feature in wordpress my Voices of Glass blog shows up as “Follow Me Films” yet to all intent and purposes everywhere else it shows up as Voices of Glass.

This is so frustrating and is playing havoc with my OCD and my voices.

Part of the illness of Paranoid Schizophrenia is that sense of failure and impending doom that accompanies it. A general mistrust and an irrational suspicion that people or things are out to get you or that you are being used.

Well yesterday I determined to combat the scattiness of my brain at the moment and get some things achieved regardless.

I prayed, chilled and wrote a to do list and then got on with it.

To be honest I had hoped, well a small part of me had hoped, that by doing so my brain would support me in this effort and kick start into gear.

Well that isn’t quite what happened although I still managed to complete some of the things that were on my to do list. 🙂

On writing my list I knew that I would not get it all completed in one day and had provided for the possibility that some of the things that I wanted to achieve I would have to do today and even tomorrow if needs be.

What was one of the attitudes I determined to have when writing my to do list? Oh yes, “Be kind to yourself – Don’t create too many expectations and allow for and tolerate any mistakes.”

I am so glad that I decided to do that as I really didn’t get as much completed as I had hoped. But then life, as I mentioned yesterday, does sometimes throw a curve ball our way and a couple of people needed my help and that reduced the time I had to do the things I had planned to do. And additionally I had not considered or remembered the fact that I am only just getting over my latest bout of illness and so am still not totally fit.

The good news is not only have I been able to achieve some of the things I wanted to do but I also have a good idea of what I want to achieve today also.

So my to do list is now revised and updated and I am all set to carry on from yesterday 🙂

Getting back into blogging when you have been absent for a while can sure be tough can’t it?

Especially when you wake up with your brain in “scatter-brain” or “defiantly uncooperative” mode!

I have several things that I want to achieve this week but for some reason my brain is not willing to co-operate with me today. (Not sure exactly what it is I did to upset it) But such is life!

The truth is that we can all get these kind of days can’t we? Days when our focus seems to be a little off? Days when clarity of thought seems just beyond us slightly?

And the truth is, in my experience, that suffering fro mental illness or poor mental health does not make these kind of days unique to us it is just that sometimes the frequency and severity of these days can be greater for us.

But I refuse to be beaten by this! There are things that I want to achieve and achieve them I will.

One of the best ways to counter this kind of challenge in my experience – second of course to a good time of prayer – is to make a to do list.

They help me to focus where my brain seems unable to do so for me.

They provide a ‘grounding’ a foundation from which to build if you will.

They provide ‘direction’. You can map out your intended and your actual progress.

They provide a ‘safety-net’ so that the chance of things being over looked or forgotten is reduced.

Of course there are things to watch out for when compiling a “to do” list…

Be kind to yourself – Don’t create too many expectations and allow for and tolerate any mistakes.

Be calm – Prayer always helps me with this one. You already know that you are struggling so any progress you make is a positive isn’t it?

Be realistic – don’t overload yourself or set impossible goals.

Be flexible – life can often throw us curve balls

Be positive – is it really the end of the world if you don’t get it all done?

Be sensible – prioritize the things that are urgent and those things that are important and those things that are necessary as well as those things that you simply want to do.

Be objective – allow yourself to revisit your list and alter it where needed.

Be receptive – if you need help allow yourself to ask for it and accept it.

Be determined – writing a “to do” list is only part of the process, actioning it is equally as important.

So, Mr brain – you little monkey – I refuse to be beaten today and I will achieve that which I want to achieve! I am off to make a coffee, spend some time in prayer, and write my “to do” list!

Yes I know that this is a mental health blog and not specifically a Christian blog. But it is, at the end of the day, a blog through which I do share about mental health in general and more specifically about my personal mental health and since I am a Christian for me to ignore my Christianity and how it affects my mental health (and vice versa) would be impossible for me.

And the truth is that I had an excellent day yesterday 🙂

I managed to get back to Church – always such a blessing – and it is at times like these, when I haven’t been able to attend church for a week or two, that I really do realize just how much attending church means to me.

There is just something special, something beyond the physical, something so spiritual that happens to me when I walk into a church and immediately my spirit leaps at the praise and worships that is going on around me.

To stand in free abandonment and simply let go and let God is just something that I can never tire of and without which I would be so very incomplete. The truth I that I am at “home” when at church and I know and recognize this and it is such a blessing to be able to have a place where – even with my poor mental health – I can feel such peace and such acceptance and such love.

Immediately after church there is the usual gathering for tea, coffee, biscuits (or cookies as some would know them) and plenty of chat, and again this blesses me so very much. In truth I am -despite appearances to the contrary – a very private person and one who is very comfortable with solitude. But even so there is a special quality about joining with others and simply sharing; time, experiences, concerns, prayer needs, hopes and above all else love.

After church we went back to Leigh and Idele’s place (Leigh and Idele are a couple who, along with their children, also attend the church) for a time of convivial fellowship and that sharing continued. I so recognize the blessings of all this and yes I recognize how much these blessings permeate their way through into my mental health also.

But I am also very mindful of those for whom getting to church, meeting up with other believers, is not possible either because their mental health make that so very difficult or because other people’s reactions to their mental health have been so harmful, unhealthy or unhelpful.

Mental health should never, in my opinion, be a reason to exclude someone from God’s family OR to make someone feel excluded from God’s family and I am truly saddened when I hear that this is the case.

I am so very thankful that I have found a church where I am accepted and loved and where my mental health is no seen as a reason not to love but more a reason to find different ways of seeing and loving. My fervent prayer will not only be that others who experience poor emotional, physical or mental health will also find this but that those who have already been so incredibly hurt will find new church families where Christ’s love is present.

Today I feel much better! Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I feel so much more aware, so much more healthier. Physically I know that being out so long yesterday took a bit of a toll on me but it was so worth it.

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One of the benefits of being sick and not having the energy to do very much at all really is that some thing don’t require you to do very much at all really.

And laying in bed watching a movie is one of those things.

Now laying in bed and doing nothing is not something that comes naturally to me. I like to be active, keep busy and at very least keep my mind occupied. But, since any time that I have been able to get up has been swallowed up by editing a boxing video for my son 🙂 having a film or three to lay in bed and watch has been a very real blessing!

The film “War Horse” is a wartime drama with a difference featuring, in the main, on the exploits of – yes no prizes for guessing it, a horse.

And yet it is so much more than this.

Starring Jeremy Irvine, Emily Watson and David Thewlis it is a really excellent film in my opinion and one which moved me to all kinds of different emotions and thoughts and reflections as the plot played out.

Not being one who is in the habit of writing spoilers let me just say that it is without doubt a film which touches the heart and which is made with wonderful cinematography, excellent scenery, marvelous music and a great deal of heart to boot!

Nominated for I think some 6 Oscars, it runs for some 146 minutes and is captivating if, like me, you have a softer side to your nature.

More details concerning this film can be found at the Imdb site (which I strongly recommend to anyone into movies) but suffice to say that I am really grateful to the dear friend who sent it to me and o very thankful for the chance to sit (or in my case lay) and watch it.

I am also very thankful that I did so alone as the site of me full of flu, coughing and spluttering and so very bunged up and yet still managing to cry my eyes out at certain parts of the film is not something I would wish to share or recommend to anyone LOL.

And on a really bright note to it all. I am, feeling a lot better today and even got to sit up for a while and watch the movie “Prometheus” this evening. Now that is a very different film. But that is perhaps the subject of another review 🙂

This depression come deflation that has been stalking me of late is still pretty much hanging around in the wings just waiting to take center stage in my life for a while.

I guess so many of us, and especially those of us who suffer from poor mental health, experience this sometimes don’t we?

The question is, “do we simply give in and allow it to happen or do we try to fight it off?”

And in some respects I guess how close it is – how much it is taking over will dictate just how we respond to that question. For once the depression come deflation has started to hit isn’t it natural to simply accept what we see as being “the inevitable”?

But why? Who says we have to? I for one am not willing to accept it as being the “inevitable” and I for one am not simply ready to enter into the “natural” response when perhaps a super-natural response is open to us.

If pushed concerning whether I was; a pessimist, a realist or an optimist, I would probably describe myself as a realist with a hint of cynicism LOL. But more than that I am a Christian and I do therefore believe in the power of prayer and the benefits of praise and worship in Christ.

These give me access to the super-natural where the natural fails me or is inadequate. In the natural I should simply accept the inevitable but in the supernatural I can hope beyond the inevitable and reach for the improbable even the impossible can’t i?

So that had been my response of late. To hope and focus beyond the natural and to surround myself in and with prayer and praise and worship.

Additionally I am taking steps within the natural. Eating healthily, trying to get good rest, keeping my mind and my body active. And all of these things are important for our well-being I think.

I have spent most of the day, when able, editing videos of a children’s amateur boxing tournament which my son filmed for the local amateur boxing club and this has given me a great distraction and helped occupy my mind.

I say when able as I have got the flu, yet again, and it is seriously kicking my butt. And I am sure that this has some part to play in how I have been feeling of late. Although I am sure that there are other factors too.

So all in all it has been another good day! The coping techniques seem to be working and at the end of the day the alternative is so undesirable!

Well as some of you may know, seeing as I have had a very quiet Christmas this year I decided that I would continuing doing some work on my books.

And I ma delighted to say that I have now just finished and sent of to be published, book 5 ion the Whispering Winds Series.

This is really good news for me as it means that I have now reached the half way point in editing and publishing this series.

Book Five is currently available at CreateSpace in paperback form and I am hoping will be available world wide on Amazon in both paperback and Kindle form within the next couple of days.

Anyone interested in these can find out more information by visiting the ‘Books By This Author’ page above

I also decided that I would do some general housekeeping on the blog and remove some of the pages, combine others and add a new one or two.

I am delighted with the outcome of this housekeeping and hope that it will make things a little easier for folk to navigate through the blog and to find the things that they are looking for.

So again it was a very productive day today.

My son and his partner also visited me this afternoon and we have decided that tomorrow we will work on another project together – one that he is currently working on and so that should provide a very welcomed distraction for me 🙂

Physically I am still very tired and seem to have caught yet another bug of some sort, but mentally I seem to be holding my own at the moment although it is a bit of a struggle that is for sure.

I am however just not willing to cave and give into the mental, emotional and spiritual deflation that has been haunting me of late. So it is Praise and Worship music, prayer and distractions all the way until I am sure that I am out of the woods mentally.

And I do want to recognize and thank everyone for their continued support in this regard. It really does mean a lot to me and really does help.

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Well, as the title suggests, today has been a very quiet, reflective and productive day for me.

My children, all apart from my son Matthew, live in other countries and my son Matthew an his partner Trish decided that they wanted to have a Christmas day to themselves this year. Something which I think is an excellent idea! It is so easy to be selfish on these occasions and certainly I would loved to have them home for the day, but that would be putting my own needs and desires above theirs and would not have been fair. 🙂

And so, living alone as I do, I decided that I really wasn’t going to do the whole Christmas thing this year 🙂 Now don’t get me wrong, I am by no means an old scrooge (bah humbug) it is just that it all seemed like too much bother and since my wife was very much into Christmas and really made Christmas’s very special, when she left us my Christmas spirit kind of suffered and then kind of totally moved out when Matthew later moved out to have his own relationships 🙂

Ordinarily I would attend church Christmas morning but couldn’t get over there this morning and so I decided that I would spend the day blog surfing in case anyone needed support and basically just resting up and reflecting on the year that has nearly passed.

Sadly my internet connection had different ideas when it came to my blog surfing and so I instead spent the day editing one of my books and just reflecting. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

That is not to say that the day was without it’s struggles. Christmas can be such a difficult time for some of us can’t it? And on top of that last night I learned that someone I am very close to and very fond of appears to be losing their battle with Cancer. But whilst there is prayer there is hope as far as I can see it.

A real blessing today, however was the fact that my son and his partner brought me round a wonderful Christmas dinner this afternoon. Makes my teaching him how to cook when he was younger so much more worth it when you get to sample the results of his cooking skills 🙂

In 7 minutes it will be the end of Christmas Day here in Ireland and I will have survived another one without too many struggles and in fact, generally speaking, with a positive and productive outcome.

So many of you have been on my heart today and I am only sorry I couldn’t get online more to be there for folk. But I am so very grateful for all the love and support that has obvious been around today. It is just one of those things that makes the mental health blogging community so very special.

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The dear friend who usually gives me a lift to church on Sunday morning text me notifying me that they couldn’t bring me this morning.

I can’t begin to tell you, even though I knew it wasn’t their fault, how disappointed I was.

But I soon decided that being disappointed, whilst understandable, was the wrong or an incomplete response. It was a response in defeat and who says that I shod be defeated?

You see, given what I have been experiencing lately, I needed to worship this morning and especially in the company of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

So I quickly made alternative arrangements and made it to church on time and was so blessed.

Our mental health and our response to it and the circumstances it can throw up can parallel this can’t it? That often it throws up disappointments. But how are we going to respond to those disappointments? To simply remain disappointed or to do something about it?

Recently I have been struggling and have felt so very deflated. Today, simply allowing myself to be remain disappointed would be to add to that deflation. I am so encouraged that this did not happen and I am so encouraged by being able to fight both my disappointment and that deflation.

So i encourage you. If you are feeling deflated, disappointed or distressed, choose, if you can, not to remain that way. Take control where you are able and fight back.

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Feelings and thoughts can be funny things can’t they? I find myself in conflict between my feelings and my thoughts at the moment.

And the only way I can describe it accurately is that I am currently feeling “deflated but hopeful”

It has been creeping up on me and I have been watching it without actually being able to see it. You know that kind of ‘walking down a dark street and getting the feeling that someone is following you’ sensation.

My finances have been a wreck lately, mostly through no fault of my own, partly due to my lack of mobility – having to get taxis everywhere, and partly due to my mental health. Lack of focus – forgetting to pay bills or thinking you have already paid them, psychotic episodes where you buy stuff you just don’t want or need.

This of course all adds extra stress when the companies whose bill you should have paid start calling and getting stroppy on you. Especially when you just don’t have a reasonable answer that they will readily accept.

On top of this I have found my thoughts have been extremely negative of late and I don’t know why that is – other than the obvious link to the aforementioned psychotic episodes and financial worries of course.

Of course there is always hope and I try so very hard to remember that. Additionally there are the obvious blessings.

Monday evening saw the Christmas Social for our Bible Study group and that was a really great evening which I really enjoyed.

Tuesday one of the Pastors of the church I am now attending popped round for a visit and that was a blessing.

I managed to blog and even managed to finish editing the fourth book in the Whispering Winds series and that I have now heard is already available on Amazon in either paperback or for the Kindle.

This morning some dear friends from my old church came round for a visit and that really was a blessing! Additionally they delivered a small gift from my previous church as a thank you for keeping their website maintained and up to date. It is I think the first one I have received in the 18 months since I left the church and came at a much needed time. My microwave packed up earlier this week and so thanks to that gift I was able to replace it today 🙂 God is so good.

I even managed to get my eyes tested today – only four years late! Oops and have ordered some new glasses which should help my eyesight problems no end!

So there are without doubt really good things happening. Which leads one to ask why it is that despite these blessings and positives my mind and my emotions seem intent on dragging me down and causing me to feel so deflated?

But then isn’t that often the way with mental health? That the rational doesn’t always apply? I find that the suicidal thoughts have also returned of late and whilst they are nowhere near as bad as they have been I need to be very mindful of them.

There is hope and I am sure of it, but sometimes that hope doesn’t remove the anxiety, restless or deflating feelings that we feel it simply rises out of them leading the way through them.

Hm Not sure why I chose that title for this blog -except for the “Fourth” part.

Well it has been a productive day 🙂

Over the past few days I have been editing book four in the Whispering Winds series, but having made a promise to a dear fellow blogger that I would at least take things a little easier in working on editing this my fourth book, I have been true to my word and not working on it for as many hours each day.

Even so, I have now finished editing the book and have just this minute sent it off to be published. 🙂

Hopefully, if all goes well this should be available in the market place, US Shops, CreateSpace and Amazon (in both paperback and for the Kindle) within the next few days.

It being so near to Christmas and having made a promise to my dear blogger buddy that I would take my time with these I am giving myself the Christmas off from editing my books and will start again in the New Year.

I also want to be around and online over the Christmas period as I know that it is, for some, a very hard time and I figure I can be around to chat and comment and generally offer some loving support.

SO I am now officially on my Christmas break and I intend to use it for some well deserved R & R – although I will of course continue blogging 🙂

I also want to thank those of you who have been buying these books. They are certainly being well well appreciated.

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Books and Publications By This Author.

For more information concerning books from this author, please see the dedicated page.

Many Thanks.

Trigger Warning Sign Employment & Disclaimer

This site employs the Trigger Warning Sign.

I will, where possible, display this sign at the start of any post where I consider the subject matter to be of a sensitive nature and such that could cause possible distress to others.

Please understand that sensitivity is a very personal thing and thus I cannot guarantee that something posted on this site which I do not consider to be sensitive or to potentially cause distress (and thus does not include the displaying of this sign) will not cause distress to some. I therefor apologize in advance if this happens.

Further information concerning the Trigger Warning Sign can be found here.

Please also be aware that the author of this blog makes no claims to be an expert in this field or a mental-health practitioner of any sort.

The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exactly that - simply views and opinions of the author as a mental illness sufferer and it is strongly advised that readers seek professional advice before making any decision in respect of their own mental health and/or the mental health of those in their care.

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Blog For Mental Health 2012

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An additional blessing was that this website/blog should be a recipient of "The Liebster Blog Award"

Many thanks go out to Fractured Angel from the The Mirth Of Despair for her having taken the time to nominate this blog.

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An additional blessing was that this website/blog should be a recipient of "Reader Appreciation Award"

Many thanks go out to Fractured Angel from the The Mirth Of Despair for her having taken the time to nominate this blog.

Recipient of the Inspiring Blog Award

I am so very blessed that this website/blog should be a recipient of an "Inspiring Blog Award"
My deep appreication goes to Carla Renee from the Seasons Change, and change for her having considered me and for her very kind words.

Recipient of An Outstanding Blogger Award

I am so very blessed that this website/blog should be a recipient of an "Outstanding Blogger Award"

My deep appreication goes to Carla Renee from the Seasons Change, and change for her having considered me and for her very kind words.

Recipient of the One Lovely Blog Award

I am so very blessed that this website/blog should be a recipient of an "One Lovely Blog Award"

My deep appreication goes to Eileen from the ...But She's Crazy for her having considered me and for her very kind words. I would also like to thank bpshielsy from the bipolar place for also nominatinfg this blog for this award,

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Concerning Mental Health Issues

Please be advised that the purpose of this blog is to provide a journal of the way that my mental health impacts my life, my relationships and my faith.
Unless I specifically recommend a course of action within a post or article I strongly recommend that no one try to do the things I mention or tries to copy the behavior I record within this blog.
If you believe that you or a friend or loved one may be suffering from mental health issues I strongly recommend that you seek professional help.
God Bless.

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