The Ultimate Secrets To Conquering The Internet Including How To Win Any Argument

The Internet is a dangerous place these days, filled with hardened veterans of the endless troll wars, all willing to make your life hell for… uh, for reasons.

That’s why it’s so important to learn the same survival skills that the trolls have mastered in their years living in caves and basements, fighting their guerilla war. You see, in order to defeat the troll enemy, you must become him.

I know that sounds terrible, but these are strange and terrible times and we all must do what we can to survive, and the only way to truly survive on the internet is to follow these nine rules. If you do so, then you won’t just survive, you will win the whole goddamn Internet.

Maintain Ironic Distance

Whether you’re on Twitter, Facebook, old-school message boards, or the human wastelands known as comment sections (love you!), it is absolutely crucial to never show your true self. You know the dude with actual human feelings? Yeah, that dude will get crushed on the Internet. It’s vital that you maintain an almost sociopathic devotion to not caring about anything. This is the foundation upon which everything else is built, just like a soldier must steel himself for the horrors of war.

Communicate Through A Series Of Popular GIFs

You don’t actually have to say anything, you can just use a series of popular GIFS to express “feelings,” usually “humorous” in nature. There’s a reason both those words are in quotations. Sure, it makes you look like a total asshole, pandering to your fellow assholes, but what you need to understand is this: that’s the whole point.

Anyway, this way, you get an extra layer between your actual feelings and the harsh wastelands of the Internet. And if you do it “right,” it will look something like this:

Mock Your Enemies

And by “enemies,” I of course mean that person who has a different viewpoint. The first step in neutralizing them is to make them look as dumb as possible. Arguing with a liberal? Don’t argue with the, you know, actual substance of the argument. Instead mock them as flighty hipsters. Call them baby killers. Arguing with a conservative? Mock them as out-of-touch dinosaurs. Really go for the kill and call them – gasp! – a white male.