A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Just got done watching the latest episode. My wife, who watched it last night, said she just isn't as into this season as past seasons. Is that a trend? I think it's equally fantastic/horrific. Well, maybe not like the Jake & Vienna fiasco, but fun in its own more genteel way.

The gang was in Prague this week. Turns out the hometown dates are next week. That happened fast. I've barely had time to develop a good cringe on all but Creepy Chris. But this week atoned for that. I was feeling a bit bad having rushed the 'Creepy' nickname on young Christopher, thinking maybe I was relying too much on his shifty eyes and thin lips. Thank God he came through in the clutch! Creepy Chris, as a nickname, now seems a little tame, if anything.

There were four dates in Prague: three one-on-ones, and one group date. There'd be no roses on the one-on-ones; just on the group date. First date goes to Speed Racer Arie.

Miss Emily and Speed Racer walk slowly through the ancient city, kissing almost the whole way. And long, sultry kisses, too. She means it. She had the crazy love eyes working overtime. But still there was something eating away at her. She knew something Arie didn't, and that was that Arie had a brief fling many years ago with a Bachelorette producer. Wait, that sounds wrong. To be clear, Arie also knew he had this relationship. What he didn't know was that Miss Emily knew it, too.

In talking to said producer, Miss Emily said she wouldn't care if he told her, but he hasn't told her so she cares. And she doesn't bring it up, except to coyly lead him there with probing questions and comments. Arie says, "I'm very trustworthy. I've always been a trustworthy person." That didn't quite do it, so she went on, saying, "I like having no secrets." Aries responded with, "I like that. That's good. It's better to be upfront and honest – almost too honest." Still nothing.

Finally he caves! There is one thing he's been hiding from her: He has a tattoo of an old girlfriend's name on his inner upper arm, which has since been covered up with more ink. Oh, Arie, why can't you know exactly what she's thinking about when something's bothering her? You'll never make a good husband.

But, according to the always reliable Chris Harrison, Miss Emily, Speed Racer and the Producer sat down and had a 3-way... Hang on. I mean they hashed it out. Off camera, though. Arie said, according to Harrison, that the relationship was so brief and so long ago, he didn't even think of it. Then we see them on a boat, back to lovey-dovey faces. Arie said he didn't want to be dishonest and that the fling didn't even cross his mind. It seems he's always having to apologize to her. Yet he doesn't seem to care (yet). He said, "I think I realize that I love you." And she gives him the googly-oogliest eyes I've ever seen from her. I think it's safe to say she's into him.

Meanwhile, back at wherever it is the rest of the dudes are staying, Creepy Chris is stewing. "It's beyond painful," the drama queen says. And this bit of unintentional hilarity: "I'm livid but I don't show it." Apparently Prague is now 100% mirror-free.

An open lock: a bad omen

The next one-on-one was the first for Wolfman John. Miss Emily says she hopes John realizes that time is running out. So she elicits romance by playing tour guide again: "During Communism, music was censored here," she says. They then find a fence with locks attached. It just so happens Miss Emily has a lock in her purse, which she's rigged so it won't close thereby allowing her to attach some fake significance to it. Since the lock is supposed to represent eternal love, and since it won't close momentarily, Miss Emily thinks it reminds her of their relationship, which isn't a good sign. Forget the fact that the Wolfman resourcefully figured out it needed the key to close fully. What does that represent? That he'll work on their relationship in rough times to ensure it lasts instead of giving up? Nah! It represents what she wants it to represent.

There seems to be no love connection between the two, but Miss Emily says, "I'm still confused about how I feel about John." Really? How come everyone else knows?

He tells her he's not a starter; he's a closer. Emily gives a vacant smile and says she likes that. They kiss. Only no arms were used. I find that's a good indicator. It was all lips. But Wolfman took the base hit as a home run. He's confident he'll get a hometown date now. This one scored 10/10. He strolls back into the room with the other guys with an heretofore unseen swagger.

Selective Sean couldn't stand it. He decided to go on the prowl for Miss Emily, even though he had no idea where she was. He runs around Prague shouting her name and eventually finds her in an alley. She was fully made up, as if she were on her way out somewhere, but she looks genuinely thrilled to see him. She tells him, "This is a nice surprise. An awesome surprise. I missed you." He says, "What are you doing walking out here by yourself?" She shuts him up with a kiss, which surely must have tasted like the Wolfman. Openness is not a two-way street, Sean. Only Miss Emily is allowed to have secrets.

They head out and grab a beer, where they kiss some more. And then they really go at it in an alley, with full arm action. It looked like foreplay. That's how you do it, Wolfman.

The group date the next night is with Selective Sean, Daddy Dougie and Creepy Chris. And the Creepster is pissed. Again. Or still. The petulant child says it's worse than a group date with ten other guys. Meanwhile, Doug loved it – no pressure at all to get close for the old-fashioned fella.

But wait, there was. When he sat down with Miss Emily in a castle nook, his arms were crossed. He even apologized when he knee accidentally grazed her knee. Miss Emily could take it no longer. She said, "If he doesn't want to get close to me now, he'll never want to." Really? Not even after the lights and crew aren't around to magnify his every move?

"Thanks for the kiss. Now scram!"

Turns out he was just waiting for her to give him a signal, like his grandpappy always told him women do. So she leads him out to the plaza and gives him the I'm-dumping-you speech, which was the perfect time. Right in the middle of it, he leans over and gives her a peck on the lips, then leaned back with a smug I'm-the-man smirk. Miss Emily said, "Thank you for that," then kept right on truckin' with the break-up.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked. She explained that they weren't opening up like they should be. "I feel really stupid for just giving you a kiss," he said. As he should.

Post-dump, he said he didn't see it coming. The kiss, he realized, was "a day late and a dollar short." Not only that, but, "I think my girl radar is just totally broken." He thought Emily would appreciate someone just wanting to get to know her – the real her. The real her, it turns out, is more interested in sex.

So the 3-on-1 date turned into one of those awkward 2-on-1 dates, magnified by the fact that Creepy Chris was one of the two. There's some kind of Let's Make a Deal key game to see who gets to spend the first alone time with her. Sean one and to his credit Chris didn't shove the losing key down Sean's throat.

When he finally got his alone time, Creepy Chris tells Miss Emily he's a little upset with her. Always a smooth move. But it ends with a kiss. A no-arm kiss, though. In fact, Miss Emily was backing away throughout it.

Not surprisingly, she gave the rose to Selective Sean. The tension was building. "I am pissed off," he told us. "It's insulting to hear her say that she's ready to see Sean's family now. That is freakin' crazy." No, Chris, you're freakin' crazy.

Adding to it, he told the camera if he didn't get a hometown date, "I'll be scared for anyone around me." And with that, the producers (not wanting a lawsuit) made the decision to keep him around another week. It's a no-brainer. There's no way Emily would keep him around any other way.

The last one-on-one went to One-F Jef. When he stood up to greet Emily I noticed he was taller than her by the exact size of his bouffant. I know he seems like a decent chap, but I just can't see them together. And I can't see him as a grown-up. I think even Miss Emily thinks so. She said he has so much fun with anything. Children are like that. And then she said, "I think he'd be a great dad because he's just a big kid himself." She nailed it, except for the "big" part. More like a normal-sized child.

On their date they stopped off in a marionette shop. In all my life, I've never seen a marionette purchased. Those kind of stores are more like museums. People drop in, look around, and leave. But they actually purchased two. Then One-F Jef went back to buy a third one – for Ricki. Suck up!

Next they dropped into a gorgeous old library. It also could be a museum. It was a big open area with thousands of books on shelves 20 feet high all around the walls. So naturally what better place to... read up on the history of the Czech Republic?... admire the artwork and gilded trims in this ancient building?... Don't be silly! They put on a puppet show for each other reenacting their time together! Jef thought it was easier to express big feelings through the stringed dolls and he hyperbolically expressed his love. You know, like a child would: "I am one million percent in love with you. And I can't even imagine what I would do without you in my life. Can we... get a dog together?" Oh what delightful fun!

They kiss. Full-on arm kissing, too. "I really like you," he told her because he wasn't speaking through the puppet this time.

When they started to talk, something seemed fishy. Any ideas? The only thing I can think is that he's deeply Mormon. And I just say that because he lives in Utah. His parents, though, live in South Carolina. But if he goes on the hometown date, Miss Emily won't get to meet them. They're committed to "some stuff" for a few years. Come again? What is it? Miss Emily doesn't like secrets. Is it federal prison? Missionary work? Fess up.

He also revealed that he once broke up with a woman because his parents didn't like her. So what if they don't like Miss Emily? He motioned with his thumb that she'd be outta there, too, before laughing it off, saying they'll love her, don't worry about a thing! Yeah, that's a relief. No pressure, Em!

They then lie down on the library floor looking up at the artwork on the ceiling. Because that's what you do in a library. It's an old Czech tradition. One-F Jef asks Miss Emily if she'd want to live together before marriage. She equivocates and turns the question back on him. He does the same, saying he takes marriage really seriously. But we can read between the lines: ain't no shacking up in this young man's life. He asked when she'd like to have more kids and she shot back, "Yesterday!" "Me, too!" said Jef. Aren't they just perfect together? I mean, once he passes puberty.

Emily envisions them together, but in her mind she's being a ball-buster because he's a pushover as a dad. She constantly sends out these little signals that maybe she's not such an easy person to live with.

On the night of the rose ceremony, Emily tells Chris Harrison she don't need no stinkin' cocktail party. Her mind is made up. The Wolfman is confident, though. Damn near cocky. He wasn't nervous in the slightest because his date was "phenomenal". In fact, when Harrison informs the fellas there'd be no cocktail party because she had decided what she wanted, Wolfman John jinxed himself with this: "I just closed the deal. The rose is mine." He said he felt he "knocked it out of the park" on his date.

Creepy Chris isn't so sure. He's terrified, he says, because he didn't really "bring it" on the group date. He took his time with her for granted and totally owned up to it. He cut a pretty morose figure as he was whining about his situation: "It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I don't feel right. I'm not ready for this to be over." He added, "I'm the best man for her, I know that." Yeah, maybe at her wedding.

But this bit of dramatic nonsense was just what the producers were looking for. As per their contract, they have the right to choose one of the rose selections. (I have no idea if that's actually true, but I'd bet on it.) She got her Sean, Jef and Arie, who are all decent guys, which in TV-land means boring, so they insist she take the one emotional infant who's ready to explode over the other decently dull guy in Wolfman John.

Chris: "Wah!"

Oops, did I just give it away? After she handed out roses to One-F Jef and Speed Racer, Creepy Chris, who was bouncing throughout the ceremony, asked her if he could talk with her. So off they went. And in the history of this show, every single person who's pulled that stunt has received a rose with nary an exception. He told her:

he was really dying inside today

he acted like a boy yesterday

he should have been more respectful

he took this week for granted

it's not who he is

he's ready to be the man she deserves and Little Ricki deserves

he's falling in love

he believes in him and her

he does not want this to end.

He said what he had been practicing since the group date and it worked. I thought the Wolfman should have then asked to speak to Miss Emily, too. Don't let the Creep get in the last word. Go out fighting. Then history would be broken when one of them would have to be sent home. As it was, she gave the rose to Chris, while chewing on her lip.

Ladies don't get the Wolfman

John took it like a (Wolf)man. He gave the bro handshake to Jef and said his goodbyes. Chris said he was the happiest man in the world. Miss Emily told Wolf the relationship was moving too slow. He said he couldn't fault her.

So it's the hometown visits next week. I wonder what kind of family Creepy Chris comes from. That'll be interesting. In the upcoming highlights we see an emotional Emily saying time has gotten away from her and she doesn't want to hurt anyone. It's made to look like she won't choose anyone, but those crafty editors are tricky. We'll see.