ravings of a lunatic

I’m depressed a lot. Hello. People talk about it, but they don’t really talk about it. You’re still a little ashamed of being depressed. Sometimes I feel like a leper. I don’t want to tell people about it because what will they do? Nothing. Feel sorry for you, that’s all. And try to stay away from your negative vibes.

“Oh did you hear?”

“What?”

“She’s depressed now; she’s been doing bad lately.”

“That’s sucks. Wow… whelp should we go grab some dinner.”

“Sure!”

I never want to be a drag, but I hate holding it in. I know there are other people who identify with me, so I guess this is for you. You’re not alone.

Now that I’m older, I see being an artist and being depressed going hand in hand. It’s so sensitive. “Do people like my art?” “Do they like me?” “If they like my art, they’ll like me, right?” "Does my art even matter?" In a world where you conquer your emotions and mindset, I don’t think it needs to go hand in hand. But what about the now? How do you feel now? Now? I feel like crap.

We put all of ourselves into everything we create. It’s a piece of our soul. It’s our dream. It’s what we most desire to make. It’s so sensitive. You see all your friends doing incredible things and having success. It hurts. Why not you? When is your turn?

I have these negative thoughts that subconsciously creep into my mind. They tell me I’m alone. That I’m the only one who feels this way. That I’m not good enough; I’m not cool enough; I’m not pretty enough; I’m not enough. But even now writing them out, they seem ridiculous. Why can’t my subconscious mind talk to me like my conscious mind?

Katie, chill out, you’re gonna be fine. Look, I know you don’t trust anyone else’s opinion, so here is your own: Yes, you are sensitive, but it helps you see a lot of things and understand a lot more things. It leads you to write a really open, honest, (and yes, you’d call it embarrassing) personal pep talk, that is probably helping you right now. Who else publicly writes these for themselves?! You’re hilarious and so honest. You’re on the right track. I know because I can feel it in my/our gut. Your life is wonderful and you’re an artist. You’re gonna be fine; you’re gonna get there. I know.