Marketing

Advice for Clueless Brands on Social Media

We are husband-and-wife proprietors of an Arizona eatery I won’t name, but which rhymes with “Framy's Fraking Frompany Frakery Froutique & Fristro.” Craziest thing: We were having some trouble with staff who seemed to think that “tips” belonged to “them,” instead of my husband and me. We were also getting some bad Yelp reviews (fakes obviously written by competitors), but then we were invited to be featured on a reality TV show starring some Brit twit whose name rhymes with Frordan Framsey. Well, surprise, surprise. The producers managed to gin up some “conflict” by assaulting us with vicious, groundless hostile observations and suggestions, such as not screaming profanity and homophobic epithets at customers waiting an hour for a pizza.

Let me ask you this: How are we supposed to bake a pizza when our kitchen is filled with disloyal incompetents dead-set on destroying our business?

—Scandalized in Scottsdale

Dear Scandalized:

Criticism on Yelp can be harsh and hard to take. Generally, though, patrons do not go to the trouble of posting a negative review if they haven’t had a genuinely bad experience. Actually, online reviews tend to be positive. Negative ones often are signs of trouble that you should be investigating in your business. As they say, where there’s smoke there’s three-cheese pizza with fig preserves, sweet pears, caramelized onions, fresh rosemary and Gorgonzola cheese topped with prosciutto burning to ash in the oven.

Whose side are you on? Don’t you understand we are the victims of HATERS who for some reason have conspired to destroy us, by complaining about our exquisite food and service? Everything good is worth waiting for, and if these LOSERS can’t wait for an asparagus pizza, we don’t need their business. Let ‘em PAY AND GET OUT.

Also, just we are a “baking company” — that does not mean we must physically “bake” the cakes we sell. Is there some law we don’t know about that says we can’t repackage baked goods and sell them? God has told us to resell. God loves us and has given us 3.5 stars on Yelp. Others are cowards who have hacked our Facebook page and Twitter.

“I AM NOT STUPID ALL OF YOU ARE. YOU JUST DO NOT KNOW GOOD FOOD. IT IS NOT UNCOMMON TO RESELL THINGS WALMART DOES NOT MAKE THEIR ELECTRONICS OR TOYS TO LAY OFF!!!!” Like we would say such nonsense. It is obviously the work of Free Syrian Army terrorists or Anonymous or local pansies. We have notified FBI and Interpol and Galactic Justice Tribunal of Crab Nebulae.

—Scandalized in Scottsdale

Dear Scandalized:

Now, see, that’s what we were getting at. Lashing out against critics on social media is unproductive. Replying to even the most harsh attacks requires patience and humility, even if you think the criticism is unjust. In fact, most of the time, calmly and politely hearing out your critics tends to disarm them and soften them — even turn them around altogether. Anonymity plus the instant gratification of the send button create a playground for the id. By surrendering to your own id, you have attracted legions of trolls who will LTFAO as they gradually drive you out of business.

Dear Bob & Doug:

Who are you accusing of surrender? YOU COMMIE PANSY REDDITS! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO? IF YOU WERE MEN, INSTEAD OF YELP GOATS YOU WOULD COME SAY THAT TO MY FACE. I STEP ON YOUR THROATS AND EAT YOUR LIVERS. MY WIFE IS APHRODITE WITH SOUL OF GODDESS AND BIG AMERICAN TEETH. HOW DO YOU TALK ABOUT HER? I STUFF HERBED RICOTTA CHEESE & FRESH BASIL IN YOUR BODY HOLES AND COOK YOU! GOD WANTS YOU TO BE A LUNCHEON SPECIAL. ;)

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