For Teenager, ‘What I See in the Mirror Is Not What I Am’

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Manasia Horne, 18, in a studio classroom at Brooklyn High School for Leadership and Community Service. She counts classes on film, Italian and English language arts among her favorites.CreditCreditMichael Noble Jr. for The New York Times

By John Otis

Nov. 14, 2017

Putting thoughts to paper is the most surefire way for Manasia Horne to express herself, especially when it comes to uncomfortable subjects.

“I’m not usually the talking type, to talk about my real feelings,” she said. “I write about it and I make you read.”

A few times in the past, Ms. Horne wrote down her darker inclinations, inscribing them in a black notebook. She confessed to thoughts of self-harm and suicidal urges. Though she did not act on them, those feelings led to short hospitalizations, as recently as two years ago.

Ms. Horne, 18, has contended with depression, including feelings of inferiority, for as long as she can remember. She recalled being bullied by cousins and classmates about her squeaky voice and her unusual name (pronounced MUH-nasia). Such criticism cut sharper than many knew, she said, because it seemed to validate her private fears and her insecurities.

“You just have that feeling that you are not who you want to be,” Ms. Horne said recently. “I would define myself when I look in the mirror. What I see in the mirror is not what I am.”

Ms. Horne says that she has always felt more like a boy. She came out as gay in her early teens, which brought tension with her father and her brother, she said, though her mother has been supportive. Her peers were also not accepting, leaving Ms. Horne in a state of perpetual unease. Later, she revealed to her family that she was struggling with her gender identity.

Last year, she enrolled at Brooklyn High School for Leadership and Community Service, a transfer school for students who are falling short of the credits they need to graduate. There, Ms. Horne counts classes on film, Italian and English language arts among her favorites.

The school is a joint venture between New York City’s Education Department and Brooklyn Community Services, one of the eight organizations supported by The New York Times Neediest Cases Fund.

Ms. Horne says she is now in a place with others who are accustomed to strife, both in school and at home. And she has come to feel like less of a misfit.

For more than a year, she has been attending weekly therapy sessions. Ms. Horne says her therapist is the only person she confides in. “I don’t care if I have to wait a whole week to tell her about what happened last week,” she said.

In the spring, she left a homeless shelter where she was living with her mother to spend a couple months in a shelter for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youths in Sunset Park, Brooklyn.

When she moved back into the previous shelter, where she lives today, she discovered many of her belongings had been thrown away. Brooklyn Community Services used $500 from the Neediest Cases Fund so Ms. Horne, who receives $397 in food stamps every month, could buy new clothing.

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Ms. Horne says she is more comfortable at the transfer school, where she is around others accustomed to strife. “Everybody gets it,” she said. “Everybody knows that people are struggling through something.”CreditMichael Noble Jr. for The New York Times

Ms. Horne said the last time she felt a dangerous level of despair was two years ago, after the death of her godmother, a beloved family friend.

“I never got a chance to say goodbye,” Ms. Horne said. “When I had time to see her, I never made time to see her. I had all the time in the world.”

Ms. Horne said she found the confidence to accept herself when she was surrounded by others like her at the shelter. Though Ms. Horne, who uses feminine pronouns to describe herself, says she does not feel comfortable in her own body and has researched hormone treatment to start transitioning to male, she worries that surgery will not solve her problems. She is still trying to find a gender identity that reflects how she sees herself.

For now, she is focused on graduating from high school. Nothing can distract her from goals of self-improvement and higher education, she said.

Ms. Horne has surrounded herself with intellectual peers, she said, in an effort to emulate them. She hopes to curtail her frequent use of cursing, to improve her grammar and to develop a more sophisticated affectation.

“I know how to speak the slang talk, but I need to learn how to speak properly,” Ms. Horne said.

She dreams of becoming a social worker who works closely with youths, a career in which her personal experiences would prove invaluable.

“I’ve been through a lot so far and I’m only 18,” Ms. Horne said. “I want to help them get through it before they get to my age and start taking the wrong path.”