Liam Neeson is honest on Sportscenter, and it’s beautiful

Liam Neeson went on Sportscenter to promote Taken 2 yesterday (2aken? Twoken?), and because ESPN is largely run by loudmouthed blowhards whose only identifiable skill is being able to emit long strings of unbroken shouting without pausing to think about the words being said, anchor Mike Hill opened with what he thought was a softball question for Neeson, “Can you even act like the Jets are good this year?”

You know, the usual meaningless semantic provocation used by ESPN talking heads to stimulate shouty discussion without resorting to any pesky facts. Unfortunately for them, Liam Neeson, despite living in New York, is an Irishman, and folks across the pond generally know about as much about American football as you or I know about hurling. Said Neeson:

“Okay, we better start again. …Are we live? Oh sh*t. Okay, I’ll be very honest with you, it was only the second football game I’ve ever been at in my life. I still don’t understand the rules.”

Never is straightforward Irish candor quite as refreshing as when it’s juxtaposed with the American institution of mindless bloviating on cable TV to fill space in the 24-hour news cycle. God bless you, Liam Neeson. I’m still not seeing Taken 2, but God bless you.

Well you see, he has this very particular set of skills, you see. He’s acquired them over a very long career, you see. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like Mike Hill who assume he knows about American Football, you see?

It’s going to be the plot of taken 3 – The Stath is transporting a girl (the daughter of Liam) Liam Neeson calls and this is how the conversation goes. “I don’t know who you are- Oy is there sometin’ wrong with your noggon? I’m the Transportah. I have a very particular set of skills that makes me a nightmare for people like you. Did you not hear me? Ahm the Transporta’ Ah don’ give a fuck. If you let her go now I will not pursue you.” Stath “No.” Liam “IF you refuse I will hunt you down and I will find you and I will kill you. Ohkay toots, good luck mate.” Liam and Stath proceed to fight with each for a full 15 minutes of cracked bones broken bottles and skull crushing moves. Then they teem up to fight the people that wanted the Stath to take Liam’s daughter (only after Stath has his way) and then after 3 hours the movie ends probably making $300 million in the U.S. alone.

I really need to work on my Stath impressions, but that would be a seriously great kung-fu/action movie.

All we need now is a Scotsman to round out representing the whole UK (Fuck Wales). Since Gerard Butler had his balls removed to pursue a career in rom-coms, I nominate Ray Park. Or we can go outside the box and have Karen Gillan as the Scot. I’m all for wacthing that leggy, asstastic lass beat up Asian Eurasian thugs.

God damnit, Vince. If you’re remembered for anything, it should be for having the best hair since Seth Rogan. If it’s for anything else, it should be your ability to write dialogue in a variety of stereotypical European accents.

I live in Bristol, CT, where ESPN is, no one told be Liam Neeson would be in town yesterday. You’d think when they have big celebrities like this they’d try to generate some revenue through a meet and greet/ autograph signing, nope. I just feel ripped off for not getting to chance to meet Qui Gon Jinn, again.

I’m confused (again). Is there some sports connection in Taken 2? Like, Liam Neeson’s daughter is a sexy cheerleader who’s abducted while making out with another cheerleader in a stadium bathroom (“Based on a True Story”)? If not, then wtf was Liam Neeson doing on ESPN in the first place? Are there no balls being batted, kicked, tossed, or bounced right now somewhere in the world?