Anna and Eli

Anna Thompson and Eli VandenBerg began their relationship almost 12 years ago as a lesbian couple. Anna had been dating Eli’s ex-girlfriend, now a trans man. Eli laughs as he explains, “Anna has tried very hard to be a lesbian, but all of the women she has dated have transitioned to men.”
From the beginning, Eli and Anna were very comfortable with each other. They conversed easily, finding they had plenty to talk about and shared similar world views. When they shared a twin bed in the middle of August with no air conditioning, they knew they had something special.
As artists, one a printmaker and one a jewelry maker, they both understand the need for time alone to create. “Part of what keeps us going so well is that we close the door and have our own space and then we come together and have space together,” says Eli.
Eli began transitioning while in graduate school in New York. Anna stayed in Philadelphia, where they had begun their relationship, and they alternated traveling to see each other on the weekends. It was a good time for Eli to begin his transition, says Anna, to reinvent himself while surrounded by his art and a new group of friends.
Eli was surprised at how much he changed. He thought that he would simply be “the same person, just with a flat chest and facial hair," but in a new body, he found himself going from a very butch dyke who could still cry easily to a raging maniac, or as Anna says, “a really selfish teenage boy.”
Relationships are complicated enough but introducing this other dimension made the road even more difficult. They were young. When they met, Anna was only 21, an age when most people are developing their sense of how they want to be in the world. Imagine how much more complicated to do so in a relationship where the partner is transitioning to another gender. There was no manual for what they were experiencing. As Eli explains, “You can’t go to your friend and ask, ‘Oh, what happened to you when your girlfriend became your boyfriend?’ ”
Anna was struggling with rocky events in her own life so the transitioning was extra challenging. But she wisely explains, “It wasn’t something that I would decide for him. It wasn’t like I could say NO, I would much prefer that you remain incredibly unhappy.’” She could have left the relationship but chose to stay. When asked why, with tears in her eyes she says simply, “Because I loved him.”
She further explains, “It’s just such a big change but at the same time if something is making your partner happier and more themselves, that’s not hard. And it shouldn’t be. You would never want to stay with somebody that keeps you from realizing your full potential. For me it’s just figuring it out and learning how to trust and stay in something that’s tough and challenging because you believe the fundamental things of it are solid.”
Eli and Anna are the exception to the rule when it comes to family acceptance of gender transition: since both of theirs are very supportive. His mother was there for his first testosterone shot and for his top surgery. Unfortunately, they heard sad tales from Eli’s surgeons about a lack of such acceptance and understanding, about patients leaving surgery in a taxi for a hotel where they had to heal in solitude.
Anna and Eli agree that the transitioning was not easy, but that being a trans couple does not define their relationship. “It’s genuine trust and partnership and respect,” says Anna. They have learned together that everyone transitions together. "It’s you and everyone around you," says Eli. "You transition as a family and as a couple and you have to be there for your partner as much as they are there for you.”
“It is important,” says Anna, “It’s important to live the truth of who you are. Be loving and caring people.”
Eli says he tries to remember every day to be excited about the other person, to really celebrate the other person, to be excited that he has this person who has chosen to be with him and to share her life with him. He says that Anna is passionate and driven and knows herself to a point that he finds really inspiring.
He used to find himself dreaming about major life events like marriage and children, but one day he found himself daydreaming about the little life events like sitting on a porch together with Anna, talking and drinking iced tea at the age of 80. “Knowing that we could continue to be inspired and excited by each other for a lifetime, I think that’s what made me know that I wanted to stay with her forever.”
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