A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Hey, folks, are you still there? The season is nearing an end. With this penultimate episode, I was looking forward to some R&R and some time to refresh for the next season in a few months. Ha! What was I thinking? This season ends next Sunday and the newest Bachelor Pad starts right up on Monday.

I won't make this long because I'm packing. In fact, I'll be blogging the final show next Sunday from 2500 miles away. And, I guess, the Bachelor Pad mess on Monday. Anyway, I apologize in advance for this haphazard post.

What are you guesses for what happens next week? They're sure trying to make it look like Miss Emily pulls a Brad Womack and doesn't pick either finalist. Hell, maybe she still loves Brad and goes back to him. And then he dumps her. Chris Harrison did tell us, afterall, that it's one of the most dramatic endings ever. And he never says anything like that unless it really is.

Also, he conspicuously didn't ask her if she was happy or engaged this time. He just said we all have to watch to find out. Are there spoilers out there? I don't read them so I have no idea.

The Men Tell All episode started out with some of the great unseen moments from the past season. Like the time Miss Emily spilled a drop of white wine on her gown and acted like she just spilled the whole bottle. Oh, what hilarity! Hard to believe that got cut.

Emily, the sailor

Then there was the time she and the Egg Man sang the egg to sleep. Or we re-lived Creepy Chris's Elaine-like dancing. Man, they do have fun.

Also, Miss Emily reneged on a promise to Harrison that she would do the Running Man dance at the end of the show. She cannot be trusted, that one.

Also, what a mouth the girl has on her! The sweet southern God-fearing lady sure can cuss up a storm, can't she? Every other clip of her throughout the night was her getting bleeped out.

We got the requisite teaser for Bachelor Pad. Interesting to see both Creepy Chris and Kondescending Kalon were in it. Chris, who still seemed shaken up about being dumped, apparently went straight off to the mansion to hook up with some other bimbos. And then resumed the pout for tonight. The highlight of BP, by the way, looks to be the spelling bee. I loves me a good spelling bee.

Still not clever but I've got to pack

Next we re-met the men, who were there to tell all. Or at least some of them. But thanks for showing up, Alessandro/Allejandro and Michael (?). They didn't say a word all night. In fact, when Harrison was introducing them all, I was surprised some got a better than average response from the crowd when if you had asked me, I would have no idea who they were. I'm not just saying that, either. My memory must truly suck. Or else it proves Andy Warhol's maxim that everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. It's kind of empowering for these contestants to know that no matter how ridiculous they look in the moment, no one will remember who they are in a few months. Until they do Bachelor Pad, then they get an extra 15 minutes.

Selective Sean got the biggest screams of the night. It was a veritable Sean-mania. I guess he's the front-runner to be the next Bachelor. We know it's not going to be Ryan. Harrison coldly told smooth-talking Ryan it wasn't going to be him. But he'll always have Augusta.

Wolfman John made the interesting fashion choice of a navy blue blazer with pink pants. I have nothing to add.

Kalon was the whipping boy for most of the night. Hyperbolic Harrison said he was one of the most controversial men of the season "and maybe ever." (See Warhol, Andy above.) He got a lot of grief about his entrance by helicopter. But seriously, can we blame him for that? Does anyone honestly think that wasn't a producer's idea? At the very least, it had to be cleared by them. It was a gimmick, just like One-F Jef riding in on his skateboard and Lindzey on her horse. She didn't ride her horse down from Seattle, for crying out loud. And we all know they have helicopters on stand-by at the old mansion.

In defending himself, Kalon chalked up his behaviour to his sense of humour, which, he believes, is "wasted on a lot of people." Okay, on that he's delusional but did he deserve to be shot down by Miss Emily like that? She does not forgive and forget. It seems Kalon's sense of the ha-ha got the better of him again when he recently Tweeted a photo of a baggage claim and made mention of Little Ricki again. When she was dressing him down, he looked like he was going to cry. I mean, at least as far as his face registers any emotion at all.

Ryan in a former life

I don't know why I didn't notice all season, but Ryan totally is a 1970s-era Burt Reynolds clone, right down to the half-wink. It made me like him a bit more. And boy is he smooth. He had a good answer for everything. He still maintains he wants a trophy wife because "I'm looking for a prize." How can you not love a guy like that? When asked if he was arrogant or confident, he picked the latter because the former is a false sense of confidence. Sounds arrogant to me.

Creepy Chris maybe doesn't look creepy to me any more. Tonight it was a cross between sullen and evil. He also has the reddest lips of any man I've ever seen. I mean, when you can see them. Harrison asked if he angers quickly. I think we all know the answer to that one. He said he gets angry only when there's something he believes in. Like, for instance, when he believes he's right about something. Then look out. Otherwise he's a pussycat.

Sean was so in love he still couldn't bring himself to mention Emily's name. He said "I fell in love with this girl" three times. He also let slip he called his mom after being dumped and told her. Are there no confidentiality agreements they have to sign? If so, he may be out some money.

It seemed Sean and Chris hired the same speechwriter. No sooner had Sean finished telling Miss Emily that she opened his eyes and made him believe once again than Chris used the exact same phrases. That is so like a 25-year-old.

Emily said Kalon should be a politician, but she has a potential future in it, too. Did you catch her seemingly nice-sounding sentiments to Sean? She said she "really did feel like I was falling in love" with him. Not "I was falling in love" but "I felt like I was." Either she isn't in tune with her own emotions or... she's very in tune with her own emotions. She ended it with, "What girl wouldn't want Sean?" Apparently a girl named Emily.

The bloopers were nothing to write about. More swearing from Miss Emily but that's about it.

And boom, we're done. Back to packing. I'll be back from the other side of the continent next week.