The Kweendom of Abstraction

deflecting

I’ve learned a LOT in relationships. Not just how to be in one or leave one…but, I learned HUMAN observation. My “expertise” so to speak ranges from a man who was 22yrs my senior…to one 4yrs my junior. You want to know what? NEITHER was different than the other. Ole dude was no more mature than the young chicken tender. They BOTH were big babies when they got sick. They BOTH used the same tactics when we argued. They BOTH thought I was pretty but they hated to say it. (The FUCK?) They both were cool and calm as if the were unaffected by me…but, the moment I said I was done, they would all of a sudden remember how much they loved me…well, the old dude did.

Anyway…I’ve noticed a few key factors that took place in our relationship. Especially, when we disagreed or I found fault in something done…these factors would spring up like a psycho w/a knife.

DEFLECTION:

GEEZ LA-MUHFUCKIN-WEEZ. If I ask you a damn question…or I bring something to your attention, PLEASE do not come back with, “What do you mean?” or “What’s wrong with you? Why you acting crazy?” MAAAAAN, do NOT make me go get a plunger and plunge your mouth until that bullshit comes up and out. :::woosah::: (I’m working on the hostility I promise… but, this shit makes the underside of my boobies itch). What I hate about the “art of deflection” is that I know it’s done to 1) Confuse 2) Shut you down 3) Pluck my last damn nerve. If a man can make you feel like it’s YOU…then you’ll question the grounds on which you brought the issue to them. Once you do that, your argument loses it’s pace and you come to a screeching halt. A true “WhereTF am I going with this?” moment. NOTHING takes the wind out of your sails quicker than being made to feel a number of things ranging from, insecure (their favorite word), paranoid, clingy, childish, etc. The act of being labeled something that invalidates your feelings ALONE is enough to make the average woman run crying to her friends asking, “Am I crazy?”. No girl…he’s a punk.

A woman like me? I’m gonna get to the juice of the matter. Like when my other ex had a chick on his page and she called herself his “wifey”. When I asked, he claimed not to know her… after all this was his Myspace page…and who does Myspace anymore? So, I said (knowing that this was the test of if he REALLY knew her or not) “Delete her…I want her gone. Delete the comments and her.” Well, he went into how he wasn’t going to have all this drama on his page and how it made no sense to even keep the page since he was never there…and I said, “I don’t get it. All of that deleting crap…not necessary. Delete HER!!” …because “I” knew that if she meant nothing…it would MEAN nothing for him to get rid of her. I wouldn’t have even had to ask. The fact that she was causing a rift would’ve been cause enough to get her ass deleted into cyber oblivion. He deleted the comments…but not her…and surely not the page. We eventually broke up…and to this day I’m sure that chick is there. Deflection is mostly used as a form of defense when guilty. An innocent man needs no defense other than the truth. PERIOD.

Being in a relationship is surely a give and take exchange. It will not ALWAYS be equal, but there will be a sense of reciprocation that keeps you from feeling like you’re in a relationship alone. You shouldn’t feel like expressing your feelings is the end of your relationship. It certainly shouldn’t feel like in order to keep peace, you must keep your gripes to yourself for fear they’ll leave or coin you as some insecure whiner. Fuckouttahereyo….

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS:

This right HERE…is something that’ll make me look at you, get up and walk out. REALLY? I mean it’s cute if your man says playing, “I sure could use a massage…by my nurse” :wink wink: {{insert woman getting the picture and coming in with a very short “something” on to get things popping}} Anything else…is again…some punk ass shit.

For instance, my ex (the older one) used to say that “Everything is fine” when asked what was wrong…but then turn around and have an attitude or need coddling in some way. Men HATE when women do this…but, plenty of men do it to us. I wonder if they realize they’re doing it? Say what you mean, mean what you say. If you’re bothered…say so. If you’re annoyed, say so. What makes communication fail the fastest is pretending things are okay when they’re not. Using silence and short talk as a punisher to make your mate feel badly…which in turn (because women are naturally compassionate and nurturing) makes us want to tend to your ego. If that’s the point of it all…wow. You can cut out the bullshit and say, “I need you, right now…I’m going through something.”

“You get more bees with honey than with vinegar…” ~old adage

I had a charge once…a 4yr old boy who was smart as a whip. He used to say things that would have me cracking up! One day I was eating an apple and he said, “That apple suuuure looks good…I bet it tastes good, too.” (Mind you…he’d eaten breakfast not too long before and this was MY breakfast). I mumbled, “Mmm hmm” and continued eating my Golden Delicious. Several minutes went by and he finally asked, “Aunt Kali, may I have an apple?” I replied, “Yes, baby…you sure can.” On another day as we were watching Spongebob Squarepants…he says (while still facing the TV) “I KNOW my mom sent a snack for me…I wonder if it’s in there…” I said NOTHING. I giggled silently as I listened to this 4yr old child learn his way around passive aggressiveness at such a young age. He said it once more before turning to me and asking, “Aunt Kali, may I have my snack now?” Without missing a beat, I said, “You sure can, baby…and for future references…don’t beat around the bush. If you’re hungry tell Aunt Kali and I’ll get you something.” He never did it again.

Closed mouths don’t get fed. You can’t begin to get your needs fulfilled if you BS around the cause with moans, loud sighs, long faces and shrugs. SAY what it is…it’s the quickest route to discussing it and getting past it.

We’re SUPPOSED to be in relationships to enhance each other…be GOOD to one another. We’re supposed to listen to our mates and consider their feelings. It shouldn’t be a one-sided saga of, “I’m right and you’re crazy”. If a person doesn’t want to do these things…they might want to reconsider partnership all together.

I…its what selfish people think about most of the time. Their motives are always driven by the concept of self-gratification, self-preservation…self, self, self. I do indeed understand the idea that one must love oneself as much or more than others. That the martyr role is overrated and giving yourself the love you desire is important in showing others how to love you as well. Those are basic instincts…to want to survive. Yet, when does it make sense to look around and survey your surroundings?

I’ve noticed how people can be so self-absorbed that they never recognize anything going on around them or in other people’s lives. I notice how those same people seem to love pontificating on the importance of life, love and awareness of the human struggle. I’ve also noticed that some of those people are undeniably hypocritical. It’s almost like having people fight for animal rights and world causes and be hateful to their fellow man. Speaking of a love for things that cannot take care of themselves or voice their needs, but disrespect the needs and lives of those who can. All too often, I see people talk great game about their human interest and intellectual opinions on the world’s events…and be totally clueless about what is going on in their personal microcosm.

I often wonder how many people take on causes, pursue current events and speak on the different things of importance…all to feel important. To deflect from their own personal journeys that they avoid embarking on. I mean, isn’t it a better cause to be all about saving the seals and preserving the lives of cows instead of going home and facing lonely rooms and empty walls with no pictures of loved ones? Or you use the plights of others to deflect from what’s eating you? Isn’t that selfish? To use other people’s lives to dictate, coach from the background and judge so that you don’t have to deal with where you fall short? Don’t you all think its about time to remove the masks of denial and selfishness and deal with personal shit the way you effortlessly handle others?

When I ask are you selfish or phony…that question is asking this: Are you so selfish that you just do not care about others? Or are you such a phony that you pretend to not see what is in front of you because you’re too cowardice to face your own inadequacies…leaving you to focus on the outer world. Are you so phony that you’ll put on a great face to save face? Blindly “band-wagoning” with other’s philosophies in order to hide the fact that within the causes you champion, lies your own weaknesses?

This was one of “those” blogs. I found myself reading a few things that simply made me upset. I see people claiming to be one thing…asking for one thing…DEMANDING one thing…and not reflecting their persona. Not reciprocating. Not having the balls to stand up and be what it is they speak of. I saw Notorious the other day…the story of Biggie Smalls. In one part of the film it is said, “We can change the world…” and the immediate response was, “In order to change the world, we must change ourselves” If you’re constantly focused on the world’s problems, the state of current events…all to the neglect of personal introspection, you ARE part of the problem. One’s fervency for knowledge and passion for spreading discovery will not change the world. It’s knowing yourself, being yourself and being real about who you are WITH the world that fosters change. THAT way…you’re working in and out, instead of needing the world to change for you.

I started and restarted this blog a couple of times. I was gonna write on some ole boring shit…work cliques, to spin off the blog about the bus gang my mother rides with. *smdh* I was going to write about something funny…then something intellectual. I just can’t. I’m talking around the real issues that I’m dealing with daily nowadays.

In the past I was VERY reluctant to speak on a personal tone. I’m sensitive and I don’t like justifying or excusing away my life or my feelings…so rather than open up my wounds for the salt rubbing…I didn’t blog ME. I sit in awe of the ladies and gentleman who managed to put a personable side to their entries. Allowing us all a glimpse into human behavior and condition…if only long enough to make it ok to be normal…or not.

Lately, I’ve been trying to repress feelings of hurt and betrayal and disgust by putting a smile on my face. It was me trying to deal with the situation with class and dignity…believing if I didn’t show a bit of emotion, that I’d be ok. The reality of it is that I’m pissed. I’m hurt. I’m confused and I’m tired. I’ve always tried to be the strong one. For family and friends alike, I’ve always tried to be the cooler head and breath logic and calm into crisis and chaos. Being strong takes strength…and that strength comes from being replenished. Thank God, that I thank God and not man for that…because if I had to depend on MAN to make me stronger I’d melt into the floor.

I decided a while ago, that I’d be more personable. Bring more of ME into my blogs. Not just my intellect, humor, perspective and kiwi swagger *wink* but, the vulnerable side to me. The frailty of me and how at times no matter how much I know…that I too get lost. That I am capable of doing rash things in order to make sense of pain…and that I make mistakes. I want people to always see ALL of me and not the pieces of me that are nice and sweet. I want people to know that I can be a bitch. That I can be a brat. That even I have hypocritical ways. Yes, I too say one thing at times and do another. Anyone who feels like they never exhibit negative traits gets a hearty laugh from me. We all at one time or another place ourselves above a situation and aren’t willing to admit when we’re wrong. I’m no angel, but damnit if I don’t try to be above board at all times…so, when I’ve been done wrong…especially unnecessarily, it bothers me. I spend a long time working it out in my head for my own understanding. I know that I will prevail. I always do. I’ve been through worse…and my faith in God and my own strength have been the valiant horse that I’ve ridden into the sunset. Yippee Kai Yay &#*@!

So basically, I’m no longer deflecting from what’s really going on with me. I too bleed and hurt…and YES I can do all of that with the same class and style it takes to be reserved. ALWAYS a kween of the highest order.