NEW YORK, NY – Thanks again to Different Matt for taking my column last week in the 11th hour. I’ve seen the same head cold get worse, with five-thousand gallons of phlegm and a good dose of laryngitis. If you think wrangling kids is tough under usual circumstances, try it without a voice… But I’m not the only one who has gotten boned this week. From Dickey to Johnson, even Bon Jovi’sGetting The Shaft…

Hot (Knuckle) Balls Dickey: To the glee of Mets fans everywhere, R.A. Dickey won the NL Cy Young Award this week. With a 20-6 record, 2.73 ERA and 230 K’s under his belt this season, the thirty-eight year old knuckleballer won the honor by an overwhelming margin, getting 27 out of 32 first place votes. I love this story for many reasons: 1) He’s a knuckleballer and GOSH are they fun to watch; 2) The guy is thirty-eight. The reason most people look at pitchers who are thirty-eight is because they are waiting to send them out to pasture; 3) Despite his team’s performance (sorry, not a stab… the truth), the guy was SOLID, dependable and performed despite. Standing ovation for Dickey. Well done.

The Cold Shaft: We should be well under way with the NHL season right now but the Puck Faces just can’t get it together. The players union and owners cannot agree, though apparently we’re supposed to see that they’ve actually talked for seven of the last nine days as some sort of progress. The Winter Classic has been ICED and as we’re getting into the deep freeze time of the year here on the east coast… no goddamn hockey. The head of the NHL Player’s Association apparently believes that “…the collective bargaining agreement can be wrapped up in a hurry once the sides make a breakthrough in negotiations.” Move it along fellas, we’re all getting proverbial blue balls waiting for this big finish.

Gomez Cured of Bieber Fever: Big frackin’ celeb news. Justin “The Biebs”Bieber and Selena Gomez have apparently broken up. While I don’t have teenagers and don’t have to suffer this stuff too much, I am interested in it for TWO reasons. 1) It takes some of the attention off the Kristen Stewart-Screwed-Her-Director-so- Robert Pattinson-Dumped-Her-Trampy-Ass story. No, I’m not a Twihard fan. I think that’s what they call them. 2) It PROVES that some female, under the age of 21, doesn’t like this twit.

Marlins (mince)Meat: This week a big trade involving the Miami Marlins and the Toronto Blue Jays all but proved that people have no loyalty or care in the world. The Wonder Woman-insignia-wearin’ Marlins totally shafted their fans by selling off its major talent to the Toronto Blue Jays for prospects. (Canada still cares?)Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle and Josh Johnson all went in the deal (contingent on physicals and the city of Miami burning the new stadium to the ground). Of the deal, uber-douche and Angry Wardfavorite, Jose Bautista, twatted of the deal: “Good day to be a Blue Jay!” He must keep his iPhone in his a$$.

Bon Jovi Sticky Situation: Some people are Livin’ On A Prayer. But some people live off a wildly large fortune their parents have amassed and decide to piss all over it by becoming a drug addict. Jon Bon Jovi’s nineteen-year old daughter, Stephanie was arrested following a call that she was found unresponsive and allegedly OD’d on heroin at her Hamilton College dorm in upstate New York. Her home state of New Jersey was declared a disaster area and she’s up in college getting faced on illegal drugs. Her father must be so proud. She’s really screwed the pooch on him needing to PR the be-Jesus outta this story. Well done.

And with that, I’m gonna get myself a stiff drink and declare the weekend get an early Thursday start. Heck… next week is a short week with Thanksgiving – not celebrated in Canada for you Marlins players relocating there. Come on back tomorrow for Dr. Diz and his College Football Fun.

Cookie, like 7 fifths of the MTM staff, was brought in by The Franchise (Angry Ward). They met sitting near each other at a NY Rangers game. She's our Angelina Jolie in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" - by day the fetching wife and young mother of two little boys; by night the hot, sports fanatic that mixes in triathlons and X-Treme sports with her love for the Yankees, Brooklyn Nets, NY Rangers and... Denver Broncos. She is, like most of the rotation, more than a bit sassy, bakes like nobody's business and is one smart... Cookie. She too, needs to be in a bikini as often as possible.

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Doc Diz

kid wranglin’? what is this, Penn State?

http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

Well played Diz… well played.

http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

We’re calling the A.S.P.C.A!

Jersey Girl

Bon Jovi and Springsteen both try to live somewhat normal lives down her in the Rumson area but the bottom line is they are rockstars and their kids have to deal with it all the time.

http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

Poor kids having to be the children of famous people and never go wanting. Yeah, I am sure it is a tough life!!

http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

Rumson? Aren’t we fancy! We’re flattered to have you elite folks on here, Jersey Girl… By the way, your initials are J.G… Is it just a coincidence that J.G. Clancy has those initials or have we unearthed something here?!

Yea, I was gonna say, has anyone here actually met a Marlins fan? What must that be like, rooting for the Marlins? Gotta be the closest thing to rooting for laundry that there is.

AZ2FLA

the problem is that they do have 2 World Series rings in the last 15+ years….how can a franchise be so dysfunctional yet have the hardware to back it up?

Dude

gary bettman sucks, but the Knicks are now 6-0 and counting, so i don’t care. feel better cookie.

http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

But the Rangers could be 6-0 right now, too… Oh, the pain…

Dude

yeah, i feel your pain… big ranger fan too, but the knicks are 6-0, just beat a tough team on the road. they are for real. bandwagon will soon shut. get on board.

Tall Matt

Dude. Thanks for always sticking up for basketball here. People could have gripes about any sport (baseball is too slow – hockey is for goons who like fighting – soccer is a no scoring bore – football has about 10 minutes of action and is all about gambling) but I like them all and I love hoops pro and college. Let’s go Knicks – Let’s go St. Johns Redmen – BOTH won last night and BOTH are undefeated. Ok that’ll end soon enough but great night for NYC hoops.

Cookie this Matt loves nothing better than a good NC17 double entendre. You are truly a cunning linguist.

http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

Q: What’s the difference between a chorus line and a magician?
A: One wows the audience with a Cunning array of STunts.

Sam’s-A-Fan

I always thought it was what’s the difference between a band of pygmies and a women’s track team? One is a cunning bunch of runts…

Thank Yim, that my new faith allows, no requires me to be conversant in such childish humor!

Cookie

Thank you O’Tall One. I mean you’re absolutely correct. Who doesn’t like a little cunning linguist?!?

Cookie

Thank you Dude.

Nick Erbocker

The Knicks can’t win without Jeremy… what’s his name? Hannity? Shanny? 6 AND OH! Mike Woodson for Coach of the Decade!

We should have a meet the matts body issue. Junoir and Professor could sumo wrestle on the cover.

AngryWard

MTM Body issue. Even funnier. We could have multiple covers. The Junior/Prof sumo is a must. I also see one of Diff in strongman garb holding Cookie up in one hand and Lori in the other. But, seriously, have you ever seen the ESPN body issue? I never saw the entire thing but Maurice Jones-Drew really looks like a baby hippo.

Cam_James

and bautista looks like a roider with a guy in left field tipping him pitches…. No one goes from a career 240 hitter to 320 with bombs instantly without help. darned canadians.

AngryWard

Agreed.

buffalobilly84

You want to talk getting the shaft? Even when the Bills manage to win, bad things happen. Read this:

A man that was reported missing after being ejected from a Buffalo Bills home game Thursday night was found dead Friday morning, authorities told the Buffalo News.

A man reported to law enforcement that his 26-year-old brother was ejected from Thursday’s game against the Miami Dolphins, apparently for being intoxicated. He reported his brother missing.

Police were apparently able to locate him by “pinging” the missing man’s cell phone. He was from the Rochester area of New York.

The man was reportedly found face down in Smoke’s Creek near Shadow Lane near Ralph Wilson Stadium. The incident is reportedly under investigation by police.

AngryWard

Did you see that game? He probably died of boredom.

http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

Cold Blooded AW!!

Cookie

Took the words right outta my mouth.

AlexanderBorisDePfeffelJohnson

Classy. Barbarians.

AngryWard

Looks like Melky is headed to Toronto too. The Jays clearly smell blood in the water with the Yankees looking very old and the Red Sox just sucking. Guess they are making a run at it. Doubt it will work, though.