World leaders across the globe cancelled government business as planet Earth awaits news of whether Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore will split up. Barack Obama plans to address the nation this evening to discuss signs the couple may be calling it quits, including reports Ashton was caught cheating last weekend during his sixth year wedding anniversary. Even more telling, the frequent Twitter contributing couple have brought all tweets to a standstill, depriving the public of vital Dashton information such as song recommendations, the latest juice cleanses, and forwards of important political articles they haven’t read.

If more tweets don’t come soon, the federal government may intervene and supply the emergency robotic Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore to provide the tweets so many people depend on to give their life meaning. Federal negotiators have been sent to try and talk the couple into reconciling or at the very least, pretending to reconcile and continue tweeting for a year while the government finds a replacement power couple to give the masses hope.

Because so many readers depend on my blog as their sources of breaking news, I plan headlines for big stories before the outcome has been revealed, meaning I need a headline ready to go at a moment’s notice whether they stay together or split up.

If they end up splitting, here are my current headlines playing on Demi Moore’s best movies:

Honestly, I’m not sure western civilization can survive this one. But could you imagine sending Demi into a rage? She actually might kill him, so I vote for the Ghost headline. I’m sure Whoopi can get involved and take the opportunity to rant about something political she doesn’t understand.

Kutcher Leaves Moore Note Scrawled in Crayon: I’m running away! Don’t even bother looking for me! This time I mean it. I’ll be living down the street at the playground, if you want to bring me some extra sandwiches and a juice box. But I still hate you forever and ever and ever!

I’m too busy lighting candles and praying to come up with headlines. If these two can’t make it, what can the rest of us hope for?? This is even more upsetting than Drew Barrymore and Tom Greens inexplicable seperation.

Thanks for this! You are better than NPR because they failed to inform me of this important update. The only thing that could have made this surprising would be if Ashton cheated on Semi with one of her daughters…

The other shoe has finally dropped. Now who are we older aspiring ladies going to look up to? Betty White sounds good right now.