Sunday, July 31, 2011

Once again, there's a big tragedy in the real world and only People puts it on the cover. This is just another example of People being the classiest and most reliable of the magazines you can buy at the supermarket checkout stand.

The annoying custom of stories without cover art continues, this time a teaser about a celebrity wedding without even a name on the cover. I didn't open the magazine to find out who and it wasn't on their website. If you care about this, you'll have to go find the magazine yourself.

The Sun has given us more bad things that will happen this year and credited some of their "most reliable" psychics. Of course they use everyone's favorite vague French 16th Century poet and prophet, Michel de Nostradamus, but also Black Elk, John the Baptist and Mother Teresa, a line-up they have used before.

No Nikki, Psychic to the Stars, sad to say.

The stuff that is supposed happen: Al Qaeda nukes, a White House scandal and a Medicare meltdown.

As long as the Tea Party has its way, the third thing is an option. The second could also take place. The first one... not really believable.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Weekly World News brings back the politically astute Space Alien who endorses presidential candidates. The being from another planet is backing Michele Bachmann for president in 2012. The alien has a pretty good track record, endorsing Clinton in 1992 and Bush in 2000, but it should not be forgotten the alien first backed Ross Perot and then changed his mind, so a Bachmann presidency is not a done deal, thank Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus.

In the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the most popular types of stories about the recently deceased are the secrets taken to the grave, people feuding over the will and the "didn't have to die" stories. Peter Falk gets the third type of treatment this week from the Globe.

It's always a treat when there is no Teen Mom story on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, which was the case last week. This week is almost as good, since there is only one story and it has no artwork associated, a headline about Maci and Ryan and some nude scandal, though it sounds like he's nekkid instead of her, which is slightly unusual in these cases.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Us Weekly, National EnquirerDate: 8 August 2011

The stories this week about The Bachelorette either focus on Ashley or on J.P. Here are the headlines about her.

National Enquirer: Bachelorette was rigged!Ashley's fake script and tears

Us Weekly: Bachelorette Exclusive: Ashley says yes!

And the ones about J.P.

OK!: The Bachelorette: J.P.'s secrets revealed

In Touch: JP's secret double lifeAshley fooled again!He's still madly in love with his ex, StephanieA shocking celeb hook-upThe real reason he went on the showWhy marrying him could be Ashley's worst mistake ever!

This is why the gossip rags love the reality shows. They can write whatever they want without fear of losing access.

Khloe Kardashian was one of the most popular celebrities in the tabloids early in the year, but since Kim's wedding has been announced, the supermarket rags have paid scant attention to the other Kardashian siblings. This week, she and Lamar get on the cover of Star because of a murder in the family, which I assume means his family.

Michael Douglas' health problems were all over the tabloids late last year, but after several predictions of his imminent demise, one of which came with a deadline that has already passed with the star still alive, the story was pretty much dropped. Now, Star has a grainy telephoto picture of him smoking and these headlines.

Okay, let's get the facts out of the way first. There are tapes of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis that have not been released to the public. According to reliable sources, Caroline Kennedy will authorize their release this September.

Now we are expected to believe the low rent Examiner has a source that will tell us what's on them. They promise a look inside her "shattered life" and the secret of who was really behind the assassination of JFK.

Welcome to gossip hell, Miss Celeste Holm! I loved her so much in movies that were made before I was born, like All About Eve and Champagne for Caesar. Well now, it's the low rent Examiner that tells us her family is squabbling about her money and she may lose her home.

The good news is that this is not a Brave Last Days alert for the Academy Award winning actress, who tuned 94 last April.

Best wishes to Miss Holm, her friends and whatever family members who are not trying to rob her blind, from a fan.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! I've written it many times before, but it bears repeating. Other people have to do something to get on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. Angelina Jolie merely has to exist.

It's all about her and the kids this week, Brad is not mentioned. Here are the headlines.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two new stories about the Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux romance are in the supermarket rags this week, and they both point in the same positive direction. Here are the headlines.

In Touch: Jen & Justin: $60 million mansion

Star: Jen and Justin set the date (Exclusive)

I don't know if any of the stories can be trusted, but I do know with recent pictures, Justin has finally shaved off that ridiculous beard.

It may be his "deer in the headlights" look, but I'm going to have to get used to this. I imagine Jen feels the same.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Sorry for the weird picture. I was trying to find a shot of all three of the women in this story, Liz Windsor, Camilla Parker-Bee-otch and Long Tall Katy all together at once and this is the best I could do.

So, the Queen herself has stomped her mighty hoof and asked for the end of the alleged Camilla-Kate unpleasantness.

Though honestly, let's be fair. if Buckingham Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings, wants to end the Camilla unpleasantness once and for all, it might take a high speed paparazzi chase in a Paris tunnel, if you know what I mean.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Now that her TV show is ending, it's up in the air how much the gossip rags will care about Oprah Winfrey. Still, with this story she climbs back into the list of the Top Ten celebrities in the gossip rags, with almost all the stories in the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner. Here are this week's headlines.

Publications: People, National Enquirer, Star, Us Weekly, In Touch, OK!Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Amy Winehouse was a fixture in the British tabloids, but she was barely noticed in recent years on this side of the Atlantic until she died last week. Now there are six cover stories about her. Here are the headlines.

OK!: Amy Winehouse's tragic deathHer Last Interview (Exclusive)

Us Weekly: Amy Winehouse - Her Lonely Last Days

In Touch: Amy Winehouse - Her Final Interview

Star: Amy Winehouse - Fight before fatal drug binge

People: Amy Winehouse dead at 27Talent and TragedyHer Final DaysThe singer's anguished life and why those who loved her could not prevent her tragic death"It was only a matter of time", said her mom

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The idea of this blog is to keep track of the narrative behind the seemingly random headlines in the supermarket rags. One strong theme has been the National Enquirer's hatred for Scientologists, most especially fat Scientologists. Tom Cruise they leave alone for the most part. (Other mags have it in for him.) Jenna Elfman is not a topic of conversation at all. But Lisa Marie Presley, Kirstie Alley and John Travolta... nothing but hate, hate, hate for them.

Except maybe this week. They do hate on Lisa Marie, saying she's hit rock bottom, but they also say her pal Travolta is rushing in to save her.

Another grab bag of celebrities who have gone under the knife are presented on the cove of Star this week. There are a couple of "Guess Who?" pictures, but as you know, I don't play that. A lot of the women are older stars barely of any interest to the tabloids. For example, Linda Evans get mentioned for the first time in at least two years and Madonna and Lisa Rinna (pictured above) get mentioned for the first time in 2011. Suzanne Somers and Nicole Kidman are also mentioned, common names when plastic surgery is the topic.

If any name on the list counts as a surprise at all, they say that Jennifer Aniston, the youngest person on the list by several years, has been under the knife twice. Star has floated this story before.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Once again, the Globe makes clear who their target audience is: people who stay home and watch daytime TV and have done so for quite some time. They don't just do a story about soap opera stars, they have a story about former soap opera stars. On the cover are Gloria Loring, Jack Scalia, Amy Gibson and some little girl in a "Guess Who" picture who has gone on to have a career. I can't tell for sure who it is, and if you want to find out, you can get the magazine yourself.

Monday, July 25, 2011

While other gossip sources show interest in the Olsen twins, young and allegedly worth billions while looking like heroin addicts, the Only Ten Magazines That Matter have left them alone for the most part. The Enquirer says this week that Mary Kate, whose last big brush with tabloid fame came when she was allegedly the last person to see Heath Ledger alive way back in early 2008, had a tearful public breakdown and they have exclusive pictures.

It's been nearly a half year since I used the Pulling A Bullock™ label, the idea that a female celebrity adopts a baby who has been on the bad side of publicity adopts a baby, possibly with the intention of getting some positive press. While the gossip rags wrote that others were going to do it, notably Eva Longoria and Jennifer Aniston, so far those have been unsubstantiated rumors.

Enter Denise Richards, former wife of famous hot mess Charlie Sheen. She has adopted a five week old baby girl and has named her Eloise Joni.

The first pictures of the new baby of Victoria and David Beckham, a girl named Harper Seven Beckham, are being published worldwide this week. I nicked this copy from an Australian newspaper, and it's the same as the one on the cover of Weekly Life & Style. Mom is not shown.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Once again, the Sun wants us to know we live in The End Times, even though people who take the Bible seriously shouldn't believe a word of this. They say there are seven deadly omens, but they only give three on the cover, so those are the only ones I include in this post.

Worldwide riots

Killer storms

New great depression

Usually, I say I will report back at the time when these things are supposed to take place. Unlike most of the predictions, these are both common enough and vague enough that I expect at least one and maybe two of them to come true. After all, the Atlantic hurricane season has yet to take place and there are always deaths somewhere due to them, so "killer storms" is pretty much a lock. Riots are common enough and as for the word "depression" to describe the current economic mess, even Paul Krugman is using it now, though he calls it the Lesser Depression.

The only thing far fetched is that these events will be signs of the End Times. It's just the everyday crap we live with, so don't get all drama queen about it.

The low rent Examiner tells us the Camilla Parker-Bowles is once again upset, or continues to be upset. If we accept the view of the Globe and the low rent Examiner, she's always in a bad mood about something. In any case, here are this week's headlines.

She collapses in jealous fit over Kate

"They love her! They hate me!"

I created a new label this week, "we gotta collapser" specifically for the stories in which people collpse. I went back and re-labeled stories in which variations of the word are used, and this one will be the 23rd time. As you might expect, women do more collapsing than men, delicate little flowers that they are, and while women of child bearing age get more cover stories than older women do by far, about half of the collapsing stories are about women past the age of menopause. For example, this is the third collapse in a year and a half for Camilla, so she's averaging about one every six months.

Kim Kardashian's upcoming wedding is the only story from that family the Only Ten Magazines That Matter are interested in right now. This cover is from the middle of March before the official announcement was given to People, when OK! said she would be wearing Vera Wang.

They also said the wedding would rival William and Kate's, but I think we all know that's far fetched.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

British soul singer Amy Winehouse has been found dead in her London home at the age of 27. No cause of death has been given yet. It's a sad coincidence 27 was also the age at death of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain.

This is another way the tabloids suck at predicting death. She was clearly more of a mess than Whitney Houston or Lisa Marie Presley or Marie Osmond for pity's sake, but the magazines didn't think their readers knew who she was. It's a very limited slice of the celebrity world that gets covered in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

Because the break-up of J. Lo and Marc Anthony took up so much space this week, other stories get short shrift. No Teen Mom, thank Odin, Krishna and the little baby Jebus, and only one update on the latest season of The Bachelorette. Here are the headlines from Weekly Life & Style.

Ashley says yes in Fiji

3.5 carat ring from her dream guy

She gushes to Life and Style "I'M SO HAPPY"

JP says "I love you"

Her romantic date with Ben F.

I can see why she's so happy. She gets to travel, she got a ring from a guy who tells her he loves her, AND she still gets to have romantic dates with other guys.

The months roll by, things come and go, but the constant is the dogs from the AMI kennel saying bad things about Miss Loretta Lynn. Now it's the Globe saying the country star and living legend is enduring a "heart attack nightmare".

Here's a tip about reading these headlines. The words "nightmare" and "drama" usually mean "this story is blown all out of proportion". Miss Loretta is now 79 years old, by no means a spring chicken but not as old as it used to be. The tabloids have been trying to kill her off for at least a year and a half.

The Flagship has three stories in one about celebrities in trouble on the cover this week, but because there are so few stories in general - especially because of the J. Lo divorce and the Lachey-Minnillo wedding - all three will get separate treatment.

According to the Enquirer, Kate Middleton collapsed on the recent tour and her husband has ordered bed rest, what with him being an old fashioned future monarch and all.

Lucky he didn't send her to the Tower. He can do that, you know. Sadly, he can't do it to Rupert Murdoch.

The low rent Examiner tells a true story this week, also reported by reputable news agencies, that Willie Nelson faces jail time because as they put it, "Judge throws the book at country star".

Here are the details, found online. Willie smokes the herb. We already knew that. He got caught smoking and was put on trial. He's an old guy, and a famous one to boot, so the trial judge said that instead of jail time, Willie could come by the court house and sing Blue Eyes Cryin' In The Rain. ANOTHER butt-inski judge hears about this, says it isn't fair because other people caught smoking herb aren't given this option and, just to be fair, gives the 78 year old singer two years in jail.

You know, just to be fair. Because if we don't apply our stupid draconian laws fairly, people will stop having respect for them.

Through no fault of the low rent Examiner, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The gossip rags have pretty much forgotten about Tiger Woods, but here's People (of all people) letting us know that Elin Nordegren has decided she doesn't have to enter a convent just because she found out she married a man slut.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! While People did a respectful cover story on Betty Ford last week, the low rent Examiner follows suit a week later. The headline reads "Courageous First Lady at Peace", and I have a hard time disagreeing with that.

I still count the low rent Examiner as one of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, but to quote They Might Be Giants, I can declare them The Nicest Of The Damned.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Real Housewife Teresa Giudice is still the focus of the women chosen from the New Jersey version, now that her husband is going to jail and she is filing for bankruptcy. Here are the headlines.

The truth about their shocking debt

Bullied by "friends" for being broke

Her marriage crisis: "I hope my girls never have to rely on a man."

There are also smaller pictures of 11 other housewives who are going broke. Names are not included, so I'm not sure who they are. I'm sure Karen Zipdrive could look at all the pictures and identify them, but that sounds like work and I wouldn't make her do that.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo got married in a quiet little ceremony that will be aired of TLC, a cable outfit that used to be The Learning Channel. They have since learned that dumb reality TV shows do better than actual educational stuff, so they give us this. Here are the headlines.

People: Nick & Vanessa's wedding photos(Only in People)

Weekly Life & Style: Nick & Vanessa's beach wedding

Us Weekly: Nick & Vanessa's private island Wedding

OK!: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married

OK! did not have any cover art, which is an odd decision because they are a cute couple.