Archive for September, 2010

A newly released survey conducted by the prestigious Flemm organization concluded that new laws requiring fat food restaurants to post calorie content of meal offerings may be missing their intended targets. The survey found that 93% of all excessively fat and obnoxiously obese people don’t give a crap about the postings and certainly do not read them.

Even the moderately obese porkers overwhelmingly refuse to pay any attention to the calorie numbers. “Hey, we know these freaking cheeseburgers and XL fries are loaded with fat, lard, and calories out the ying yang,” said one of the chubby overeaters, while munching a double bacon cheese chunkburger deluxe with extra mayo. “If we wanted a friggin’ salad, we’d go to Salad King. Durrrrr.”

The calorie postings remain popular with the green, organic eco-nerds, who remain committed to their continuation. Unfortunately, this group is primarily comprised of skinny anorexic types, who truly need to burger-up a bit. Nevertheless, lawmakers seem to listen to these stringbean weenies for some unexplained reason. “We’re hopeful that, in time, the overweightoids will come to their senses,” one congressperson said. “At some point, they must stop the packing and jamming, and learn some self-control. If these postings won’t help….well, we’ll just have to move into some more drastic measures of unbridled freedom restriction. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Pssst…make a note to check the foundation structure of that bridge.”

Some fast food outlets have allowed gangs to go ahead and deface the calorie counter signs with graffiti and gang artwork, making them somewhat unreadable. “It still technically complies with the law,” said one franchisee. “Our lawyers have given us the thumbs up.”

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you may think are real.

Harry “Silver tongue” Reid managed to trip over his yonk this week when he referred to fellow Senator Kirsten Gillibrand as the “hottest person in the Senate”. Later, he clarified the statement, and apologized to anyone who misconstrued his intent. He said that he meant “hot” in terms of someone who is full of action and energy at dreaming up new creative laws, finding new ways to get votes, and pushing through legislation using time-honored techniques. He went on to explain in no way he meant anything sexual by the comment.

“She does not even appeal to me in any way. I mean, other Senators…women and men…are more attractive to me personally. But they can’t vote like she can.”

At the news conference, one reporter said, “Senator, excuse me, but with all due respect, you’re just plain lying, sir. You are a lying a$$#*le who has lied his entire life, lied to friends, lied to family, and lied to voters to gain favors.”

Reid responded to the reporter by telling him he was a liar. He said that he had read many of his articles, and they were all “chock full of lies, mistruths, and obnoxious exaggerations.” When asked by the reporter to name one example, Reid replied that it would be “far easier to cite examples of times when you told the truth. But, frankly my friend, I haven’t come across any yet.”

That seemed to shut up the reporter. Meanwhile, Reid turned to another reporter who asked who he was favoring to win the national championship in college football. “My money is on UNLV,” he replied. When challenged by the reporter that the team was unlikely to reach the championship game, given their pathetic 0-3 start, Reid replied, “You’re a liar, too. Next question?”

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.

It has been confirmed that a new highly-secretive society has been formed of current lame-duck incumbent legislators who have lost their primary elections because of their legendary incompetence. In the past, there have been very rare occasions when an incumbent has failed to hold their nomination in the primaries, usually only if he/she was blatantly convicted of a serious crime or committed some other gross atrocity while in office. The recent outbreaks of “Throw the Bums Out” citizen attitude is unprecedented in its scope.

The Thrown Bums are, however, not just sitting on their arses waiting to collect fat retirement checks and free-for-life health care benefits. No, instead they are organizing..not just to commiserate with each other…but to begin preparations to try and throw these “New Bums” out in upcoming years, in a leap frog retribution, of sorts.

The concept seems to have strong support among citizens, who like the idea of an organized, enema-like approach to the process which will be able to sustain itself into the future. This will, of course, place less pressure on the ordinary Joe Citizen to spend energy organizing the boob throwout campaigns. It will also provide the electorate with a steady source of reliable dirt accumulation and nastiness record-keeping to justify the regular purge.

The first orders of business will be to select a suitable meeting place, most likely a tavern with cheap Happy Hour of some sort, and naturally develop an appropriate secret handshake to separate the true Thrown Bums from the Wannabe bums.

“We particularly need to keep out the arrogant incumbents who have won their primaries,” said an unnamed throwee. “The last thing we need is those a$$#*les showing up to rub their fat little noses in our faces, and then running up the bar tab.”

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, even the ones that seem so real.

The Bizarreville Tea Partiers assembled at the Monument Saturday morning, numbering in the hundreds of thousands. Speakers talked about returning the nation to simple core values, prayer, personal responsibility, and pragmatic leadership. Speaker after speader took to the podium to express his or her idyllic vision for the future.

The crowd was initially very enthusiastic. But they began to become restless, anxious, and soon became agitated when it became quite apparent that no tea was going to be served. No earl grey, no english breakfast, no darjeeling, no afternoon delight. No tea.

A small group of tea-drinkers in the back of the crowd started chanting, “We want tea. We want tea. We want tea.” Before you knew it, the whole crowd seemed to erupt into the Tea chant. The keynote speaker desperately tried to get the rally back on track by talking about tax reductions, investment incentives, and federal budget balancing…normally sure-fire themes. But clearly the crowd wanted brewed refreshments, probably settling for anything of a brewed nature.

The speaker explained that the “Tea Party” was just a metaphor for the government’s wanton disregard for citizens’ input in regard to tax policy, individual freedoms, health care policy, government bailouts, reckless spending, and arbitrary law-making. He explained that the nation was wandering in darkness, and needed a movement to help shine the light on their leaders’ misguidedness. A citizen in the front row yelled out, “Yeah, we’re with you on the darkness thing. But we still thought you were springing for the tea, man. I’m parched.”

Eventually some of the rally organizers scrambled, bought out the tea inventories at nearby convenience stores, and started handing out bottles. But by this time, a large throng of partiers had bailed, and were rumored to had reconvened at several nearby watering holes.

“Next time, don’t forget the friggin’ tea!” the keynote scolded as he stormed out of Monument Park.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.