How the fuck should I know, I’m not a REGRESSION HYPNOTIST. And I’ve never been able to afford one so who or what I was in my past lives will have to remain a mystery for now. There IS a chance I was one of Branwell Brontë’s painted pox-ridden laudanum floosies because little Emily said she has a strong feeling she recognises me but she doesn’t remember how, only that she knows it’s in connection with her brother (she thinks we’ve become such good friends because we both have bad brothers).

Why is it that when people get regressed and go back into their past lives they always find out they were RICH and WELL-TO-DO, and if they weren’t rich and well-to-do they were POOR MURDER VICTIMS? Or they were wrongly executed? Or they were Cleopatra? (This also happens with We Who Are Mental – our delusions of being someone else are always grandiose la-di-dah delusions – I am Jesus/Napoleon/Cleopatra (she gets around a bit)/God/Mary, Queen of Scots/etc etc etc).

The regressed always get to be someone with a really meaty history, never a boring one. Why doesn’t anyone want to be old Joe Bloggs the cheesemonger, or Jane Clapp the hatchet-faced fish wife, or Miss Agatha Pratt the virgin spinster cat-lady?

I want to be regressed. I want to be regressed and find out I was NORMAL-MINDED. I want to KNOW what it was like. Are there any REGRESSION HYPNOTISTS reading this? If so, get in touch and I’ll let you practice on me and I WON’T CHARGE YOU ANY MONEY FOR MY TIME. You can even come to my house and I’ll make your dinner for you. It’ll be nice. We’ll have Cumberland sausages and McCain’s Chippy Chips and for pudding we’ll have spotted dick and custard (made for me by my lovely Aunt Bessie).

I bet you wouldn’t have dreamt in a zillion years that I have a little streak of fiendishness in me. Just a teensy one. It doesn’t come out often but given the right circumstances – wooosh, I could cut you down like a scythe through slush (I was going to say through shite but I’m trying to stop swearing again, Granny Euphemia popped in to see again me the other night – sorry, I didn’t tell you, did I, it was the night after THAT night).

My little streak of fiendishness came out an hour ago, on this PRETEND CHRISTMAS morning of ours, when Scotty asked for bacon INSTEAD OF Cumberland sausages for breakfast. Now I don’t mind bacon, there’s nothing wrong with it AS AN ACCOMPANIMENT TO CUMBERLAND SAUSAGES but on its own, nah, that’s like Ant without Dec, Torvill without Dean, Roy without Hayley, it’s just plain WRONG and if it ever happened all the butterflies in the world would FALL TO THE GROUND as their WINGS DROPPED OFF and tsunamis and hurricanes and lightning bolts and showers of meteorites would descend on the WORLD and we would all DIE. But he insisted on bacon sandwiches, JUST bacon, and I had to think of something to SAVE US ALL from dying VIOLENT and PAINFUL deaths.

So what I did is when Scotty was in the bathroom I opened the packet of bacon, separated each slice (there were 8 slices) and on each individual slice I rubbed BIG DOLLOPS of Hellman’s Garlic Mayonnaise, Bisto Best Rich & Roasted Chicken Gravy gravy granules, Colman’s Tartare Sauce, Hartley’s Strawberry Jam With No Bits, and Maxwell House coffee granules. I put some Cumberland sausages under the grill to cook then I put the frying pan on the hob and chucked the manky bacon in to fry. After 1 minute and 23 seconds Scotty came out and said ‘What’s that smell? It’s rotten.’ I told him it was his breakfast, JUST bacon like he wanted. He looked into the frying pan at all the sizzling gunk, then he looked at me, then he said, ‘I’ll JUST have Cumberland sausages then, if that’s all right with you.’

That was FINE with me. TICKETY-BOO.

Result — DISASTER EVERTED, (EDIT EDIT – AVERTED – WHO KEEPS PUTTING MISSPELLINGS IN MY BLOG??) the WORLD IS SAVED and we can go ahead with our PRETEND CHRISTMAS.

I HAVE BEEN OUT. Out of the house. Outside, outdoors, out in the air, out in the snow, out, out, out, out, out. Scotty took me to the 24 hour Tesco. He wasn’t tired after all when he got here last night so he talked me into going shopping but he didn’t have to do much convincing because I always feel safe when Scotty takes me out and I felt particularly safe last night because of my new present (which I can’t tell you about but it fits in my handbag and the silencer fits in that little mobile phone pocket in the lining of my handbag). We set off at 3.30am (Scotty has a gorgeous brand new car – it’s posh) and there were NO OTHER SHOPPERS in the whole of the 24 hour Tesco except two different, separate women in their pyjamas (who does that? Tramps, that’s who) and three separate men, but Scotty got each of them in his sights and tracked them round the aisles while I waited in the Stationery aisle and they didn’t take long to get what they wanted and go.

I bought LOADS of stuff and some lovely, lovely stationery. Have I told you I have a thing about stationery? I LOVE IT ALL but especially fresh new black A5 NOTEBOOKS, soft bendy ones with metal spiralbound spines and a big elastic bit attached to the front cover so the pages don’t flop about if you don’t want them to. I love opening a new A5 NOTEBOOK and seeing the first blank page and knowing there are LOADS of blank pages for me to fill up with whatever shite I want. And I love getting to the last page and knowing I’ll soon be able to open a NEW ONE again. I LOVE MY A5 NOTEBOOKS. I bought a good few of them (32) because who knows when I’ll get to go to the 24 hour Tesco again.

I also bought TWENTY PACKETS OF CUMBERLAND SAUSAGES because I’d rather have Tesco Cumberland sausages than Asda’s (see Dotty Will Soon Be Done For) and like I said, who knows when I’ll get to go there again. I won’t bore you with my whole shopping list, bread, milk, McCain Chippy Chips etc etc because you probably buy similar things to me except if you’re American and you buy things like buttermilk and rye bread and chilli dogs and cornbread and grits and pot roasts and succotash (what the fuck is THAT?) — I have to tell you that in my recipe book collection I have spiralbound copies of both WHITE TRASH COOKING I and WHITE TRASH COOKING II so I know what you people eat and let me tell you IT IS VERY STRANGE and UNHEALTHY and when I’ve got some time I’m going to write to YOUR PRESIDENT MR BARACK OBAMA on your behalf and tell him you need PROPER NUTRITIOUS BRITISH FOOD in America, like Cumberland sausages and Yorkshire puddings and Jam Roly Poly and Chicken Dippers and Chicken Jalfrezi and haggis and Spotted Dick and McCain’s Chippy Chips (which are REAL CHIPS – THEY ARE NOT CRISPS) and sausage rolls and Melton Mowbray pork pies and HobNobs and onion bhajis and Scotch eggs and haslet and samosas and Spam and prawn crackers and Billy Bear sausage and Turkey Twizzlers and all sorts of PROPER NUTRITIOUS BRITISH FOOD that y’all (see what I did there?) should be eating.

Anyway, look what you made me do – I don’t have time to tell you any more about Scotty being here because he’s going to show me some of his photos and things and he’s going to tell me how to get Lottie back for what she did the other night (he was DISGUSTED by her behaviour and he’s going to order me a special trepanning kit from off the internet to replace my hand-drill that the police nicked off me) so I’ll have to tell you all about it next time. Okay?

EDIT EDIT EDIT — Panic attack, panic attack — I did a spelling mistake that I’ve had to come back and edit. I HATE making spelling mistakes, HATE it.

I make no apologies for the length of this post. It’s about Cumberland sausages and Cumberland sausages are my favourite, favourite food. Nothing can take away from the sheer joy of eating a Cumberland sausage, even the psychotic killers Asda can’t spoil them for me, (see Dotty Will Soon Be Done For). I limit myself to a packet a day, just a small pack of eight. I could eat and eat and eat them. They are beautiful.

What makes a Cumberland sausage different from other sausages? I’ll tell you – apart from their superior taste they have the versatility of no other sausage. They’re so well-made that they’re not only a Cumberland sausage, they can be anything you want them to be – not like Lincolnshire sausages that contain unidentified green bits. When I tried to make a Lincolnshire sausage curtain pole the links weren’t strong enough to hold up my cream Jaquard curtains, (I used Lincolnshire instead of Cumberland because I thought the green bits would set off the cream. Never again). Also, Lincolnshire sausages taste like green, in fact they were probably named after the colour Lincoln green because they do taste like Lincoln green which reminds me of my dear dead Daddy’s Land Rover that he cried over when some random teenage delinquent stranger borrowed it one day to go for a little drive to Beachy Head, but the driver’s door would never catch properly and stay shut unless you knew the trick to it, and she fell out half a minute too early onto the cliff top. Maybe that’s what the green bits are in Lincolnshire sausages, bits of old car. Hmm, yes, I believe so.

The unlimited versatility of Cumberland sausages really is unlimited. I’ve been eating them for years but six months ago, when I learned they can be cooked, a whole new world was opened up to me. Besides discovering my frying pan and my grill and my George Foreman (except I don’t use that now, it looks like a big toothless mouth when it’s open), I realised that when cooked the Cumberland sausage is better than any food of the gods. If Cumberland sausages had been invented when the gods had only boring old nectar to sup I’d bet my right ear on which would have been the more famous of them today because think about it, can nectar replace a broken door handle like a Cumberland sausage can? No it can’t. Can you make a pretty nectar over-blanket? No you can’t. If you’re roasting a chicken and, during the testing-to-see-if-it’s-cooked bit you accidentally break it, can you weld the leg or the wing or whatever back on again with nectar? No you can’t, but you can with a piping hot, carefully pricked, carefully aimed Cumberland Sausage Welder.

Many items that we take for granted in our daily lives could easily be chucked out and replaced with Cumberland Sausages. For example —-

(NB – I shouldn’t have to explain what to do here, but for normal readers who lack the imagination and creativity of we who are mental, I will).

Humane mouse-traps – Throw them out. Bung Cumberland sausages into the mouseholes. Yes the mice will eat them, that’s the point. Keep bunging Cumberland sausages into the holes the second you see they are empty and soon the mice will be too fat to move and you can just pick them up with a shovel and throw them outside. This will be a great personal sacrifice of part of your own daily portion of Cumberland sausages but it’s worth it in the end.

Nails – Throw all your nails away because PVC doors are no good for nailing notes onto if you’re the social butterfly type and go out to the shop once a week and it happens to be the day when the gasman is due and you need to tell him never to come back. Heat a Cumberland sausage until piping hot, make a thin slit about 5mm from the end to slot the top of your note into. As the fat cools and congeals it will fix your note to the Cumberland sausage. Secure the other end of the Cumberland sausage into your letterbox with the note on the outside of the door. Result, the gasman won’t be back and you have a cold Cumberland sausage for when you get back.

Spoons – Throw all your spoons away. Learn to sculpt your Cumberland sausages. Keep your metal ladle for when you make Cumberland sausage stew and dumplings because no matter how well you sculpt your Cumberland sausage spoons, they’ll never be big enough for a good helping of stew.

Ice grips for the bottom of your shoes – Don’t buy them. Measure how many Cumberland sausages you need for ONLY ONE SHOE. Cut the Cumberland sausages in half lengthways and now you have the required amount for two shoes. Staple them onto the soles. You can also use Cumberland sausages instead of buying Party Feet gel pads.

Ergonomic laptops or keyboards or mousepads, in fact all ergonomic items can be thrown away and replaced with your own custom-fitted Cumberland sausages items.

Other uses —-

Finger puppets – Cut the ends off your Cumberland sausage. Carefully scoop out a little of the sausage meat but not too much or you’ll only have skin. Wiggle your finger inside until the sausage fits. Repeat with each finger you want a puppet for. Decide which Cumberland sausage will be mother (usually the one that fits the index finger – daddy is in the middle). Make her face by pressing on bits of burnt Cumberland sausage that you saved from the frying pan and repeat for all the family. Make her boobs by sticking on two of the ends that you chopped off earlier. Ends can also be used as a hat for daddy, knee-pads for skater-boy son, hairstyle for daughter, or a family pet such as a dachshund. (See Warning/Hobbies For Hermits)

Emergency toothbrush – When you drop your toothbrush down the loo and you’ve none left in your stockpile, use a Cumberland sausage.

Ditto above when you’ve used your last drop of moisturiser.

Use Cumberland sausages to plug taps that drip and drip and drip and drip and drip and drip until you don’t know whether it’s the tap dripping or the ghost of the dead pirate drowned at sea coming to get you.

Use Cumberland sausages as emergency fake moustaches /teeth/witches fingers when people say they are coming to visit you and you need them not to.

Use Cumberland sausages as cake decorations, for those posh cakes decorated round the sides with upright Cadbury’s Fingers. Cumberland sausages are a pretty alternative.

Oh, I could write and write about Cumberland sausages. But I’ll stop now and let you discover wonderful things about them for yourself. I’ll just say one more thing – you are in for such a treat.

Before you begin, keep in mind at all times that you are not an animal. Put it on a plate.

Toast

Ingredients

Bread (however many slices you want)

A bit of something to spread on the bread

Method

If you have a toaster plug it in and turn it on. Put the bread in the toaster (if you have more bread than you have toaster slots you will have to repeat these steps). Set the timer and the how crispy you want it thingy and go and get your spread. Butter and marg. are in the fridge. Jam, marmalade, marmite etc should be on a shelf or in a cupboard. Get a knife to spread your spread with. When the toast is ready it will pop up and make a noise so bear this in mind and you won’t get a fright. Take the toast from the toaster. WARNING do not ever put the knife near the toaster or the toaster will blow up and maybe you with it, (this is not a reason to avoid making your toast). Put the toast on a clean surface. Spread your spread of choice on the toast (using the knife). Unplug the toaster. Put the lid on the spread. Put the toast on a clean plate. Put the knife in the sink. Go and sit down and enjoy your toast but don’t forget to come back later and clean up.

If you haven’t got a toaster you’ll have to make a sandwich instead, (recipe below), because I don’t know what to do. Who do you think I am? Nigella?

Sandwiches

Ingredients

Bread (1, 2, 3 or 4, you decide)

Spread

Filling

Method

Lay your bread in individual slices on a clean surface. Get a knife. Get your spread, (find butter or marg in fridge, mayo or whatever in cupboard or on shelf). Spread your spread onto your bread with the knife. Now, decide what you want for your filling. A good suggestion is that you use more than one ingredient because if you normally just slap a bit of meat on your bread you’ll get bored of sandwiches and sandwiches are a staple for hermits so you might end up starving. An example of a good sandwich is to put your bit of meat on top of some lettuce. Or you could slice a tomato and put the slices on top of the meat, (cherry or plum tomatoes are easier than big ones – you just cut them in half, less slicing). Think about omitting the meat. Cheese is good and it comes in all sorts of strengths and flavours, (actually that’s not true, it only comes in one flavour – cheese). Also think about using ingredients such as cucumber, rocket, spring onion, yellow pepper, radish etc (which also can be combined to make a SALAD which is another, different meal). Once you’ve decided on your filling, put it on your bread. Cover the filling with another slice of bread, cut in half with the knife. Put both halves on a clean plate. Because the sandwich is a cold one, (we’ll move on to hot sandwiches another time), you can tidy up before you sit down to eat it, saving the bother of having to remember to come back and do it later.

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