Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Polls show increased Respect for Republican Shamelessness

Dateline: WASHINGTON—Polls indicate that Republicans are
more respected by Americans, as a result of their complicated response to
Russian President Putin’s invasion of Ukraine.

Since George W. Bush’s second term, polls revealed that Americans’
respect for Republicans had plummeted. Analysts say this was because Americans perceived
that Republicans have one of the easiest jobs in the world.

According to one of the polled voters, “I just got the sense
that Bush and Boehner and Cruz and all of those guys weren’t really trying to
govern the country or anything, so they didn’t care if they failed. Those are
the small government guys, right? They want to—I don’t know—destroy the
government? And there they are, the foxes guarding the hen house. I mean,
that’s a job with very little responsibility.

“It’s like the banks that are too big to fail. They can
literally do no wrong as far as they’re concerned. Imagine having the job of
gambling as much as you like with other people’s money and not having to pay up
when you lose some of your bets. In fact, the more bets you lose, the bigger
your bonus! Pretty sweet, right?

“Well, how about those Republicans? They’re the proverbial bulls
rampaging through the china shop: their job is to run government so badly that
people lose faith in democracy. I’d love to have a job that easy!”

But then came Putin’s invasion of Ukraine and Republicans
were torn. On the one hand, they were jealous of Russia’s autocracy. Here was
the manly Putin who was fulfilling the Republican’s theocratic dream of exercising
unrestrained power on the world stage.

As Governor of South Carolina, Joe Brainless, was caught
saying, unaware that his microphone was turned on, “That guy Putin’s a
gosh-darned hero. We need more maniacs like that to usher in the Apocalypse. He
doesn’t even have to pretend to listen to his people or anything. The man
outlawed gay pride parades and happy-talk about homosexuality to minors. No
wonder Bush looked into his eyes and fell in love! Why couldn’t I have been
born a woman so I could have had his babies?”

Sarah Palin said Vladimir Putin’s known for wrestling bears
and drilling for oil, while Obama “wears mom jeans and equivocates and
bloviates.” She added that the other atheistic tyrants, like Hitler and Stalin,
were pretty cool too. “That’s what the American democracy needs, a leader like
the current Russian imperialist backed by a gaggle of kleptocrats, to stomp on
everyone else’s freedom.”

On the other hand, American conservatives and moderates
began to wonder why, if the Republicans love Putin so much, they don’t go ahead
and marry him. And then it dawned on the Republicans that their fascist
leanings should be kept something of a secret. Like Dr. Strangelove, who had to
physically restrain his repeated attempts to give the Nazi salute, Republicans
should begin to actually work, even if it’s only to maintain a false front.

Sen. John McCain, for example, has had to turn himself into
a pretzel, calling for the strongest possible American opposition to Putin’s
invasion of Ukraine even while being jealous of Putin’s macho use of his
military.

“It’s a Herculean task, what they’ve taken upon themselves,”
says a Democratic voter. “The Republicans want the US to be more like Russia—or
Saudi Arabia or Zimbabwe or some other throwback to the Middle Ages. They love
war and jungle law and absolute power, but they have to pretend to be peace-loving
Christians and protectors of everyone’s freedom. They’ve got to condemn Putin’s
act of aggression even though they wish Obama were more like Putin.

“I for one am beginning to respect Republicans for the
difficulty of their task. Of course, they’re not helping the country or
anything like that. But at least they’re working hard to achieve the
impossible. I can appreciate that idealism: they want to square the circle. That
takes guts, not to mention superhuman skill at deception.”

While wealthy donors haven’t stopped funding the Republican
Party since Bush was president, there’s been an up-tick in support from average
voters who are impressed with Republican efforts. Asked whether they think that
being a Republican is the easiest job in the world, only 55 percent said “Emphatically
YES,” down from 76 percent in 2012.

As one analyst of the new polls explains, “Hollowing out the
government while pretending to be a good faith member of that government takes
very little skill. Boundless chutzpah, sure, but skill? Not so much. Lying
about your concern for a functioning modern government doesn’t really inspire
the people’s imagination.

“But secretly longing for theocracy, for the ultimate
authoritarian leader, God Almighty, to come down out of the clouds and impose
his inescapable rule on absolutely everyone, while simultaneously having to
pretend to care about the modern secular values of rationality, individual
freedom, equal rights, and democracy? That’s no easy trick, according to these
new polls.

“Step aside, Hollywood actors! You don’t hold a
candle to these Republicans.”

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In this blog you'll find my philosophical rants within the undead god. What on earth is the "undead god," you ask, and why do I rant within it? Read on and find out or just look at how the planet and all of nature mindlessly evolve, setting the stage for our existential predicament. In the big picture, who I am doesn't matter at all and when I write here I write mostly with the big picture in mind. But if you're curious about some of my interests, see my blogger profile.