Howard Stern actually said, standing amidst white flowers, tall in the holy pulpit, inside the House of God, to a jammed audience of maybe 700, speaking directly into a microphone, that he knows for a fact — ready for this? — that “Joan Rivers’ only problem was that she had a dry vagina.”

Plus: “Whitney Houston’s bathtub death would’ve been averted if her vagina was that dry because it would’ve sucked up all the water and she’d have floated.”

And then Joan’s Connecticut friend related hurting her leg, on crutches, and Joan did something funny. What she said, I don’t remember because I couldn’t write down any notes because Barbara Walters had taken my pen. I only remember the anecdote ended with the F-word.

The way Melissa staged this incomparable funeral — bagpipers, Hugh Jackman singing, Audra McDonald singing, NYPD fifers and drummers — was that we who were asked to offer tributes were specifically asked to be funny. Joan was a comic. Joan loved to laugh. Joan loved a good time.

Among my reminiscences was having sent my friend Joan a present and, stupidly, “I told her the custom-made designer jacket was very expensive.”

She replied: “Oh, I know. And I’ll make mention of that when I sell it on eBay.”

The Gay Men’s Chorus did show tunes. Emerald Society bagpipers did “New York, New York.”

Kristin Chenoweth was stopped for photos. Whoopi Goldberg, wearing black and white, said to a bereaved soul also wearing black and white: “We look like zebras.”

Police were on duty. Guards were patrolling. Streets were blocked. Cars were shunted blocks away. Gates were up. People with clipboards abounded. Pews were assigned. Press was around. The City turned out for Joan. This was a high-class four-star, triple-A send-off. If you have to say bye-bye, this was the way to do it.

Deeply moved, overcome with emotion, tears in his eyes, Donald Trump, all heart, grabbed me, kissed me and said tenderly: “When you go, I’ll personally see that you get an even bigger funeral.”

Melissa Rivers and son Cooper

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Sarah Jessica Parker and her son, James Wilkie Broderick

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Howard Stern with wife Beth

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Kelly Osbourne and Giuliana Rancic

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Matthew Broderick

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Cindy Adams

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Hugh Jackman rides his bicycle to the memorial service.

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Andy Cohen

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Carolina Herrera

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Diane Sawyer

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Kathy Griffin

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Alan Cummings

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Donald Trump with wife Melania

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Barbara Walters

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Whoopi Goldberg

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Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb

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Geraldo Rivera

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Dr. Mehmet Oz

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Terrence J

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Alicia Quarles

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Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner

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Ivanka Trump

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Bernadette Peters

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Denis Leary

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Steve Guttenberg

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Melissa Rivers and her son Cooper leave their apartment to attend Joan Rivers' funeral.

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The Emerald Society performs at the memorial service.

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People line up around the block for a glimpse of the funeral procession.