Alan Thicke. Windbreakers. Aerobics. Leotards. The 1980s. A song called “Sweaty and Hot.”

Those are the highlights here if you’re short on time. But if you have a few minutes, let’s go for a little walk. This video is from the Crystal Light Aerobics Championship, which you’ve probably seen floating around the Internet for a while now. If not, please search them out. They are magical. Television star Alan Thicke hosted a bunch of them and, apparently, turned the hosting gig into performing gig at some point, too, and he used it to perform a song of his own creation titled “Sweaty and Hot.” SWEATY AND HOT.

The lyrics of this masterpiece are a thing of beauty. It’s basically a song about a skinny nerd trying to get jacked up because a “great big hump” was flaunting his muscles at the gym and getting fresh with his girl. That’s when the chorus kicks in. This is the chorus:

Ready or not, I’m comin’
Baby I’ve got some muscle for you
Sweaty and hot, I’m pumpin’ iron and when I’m done
You’re gonna beg me to have some big-time fun
Oh darling, I worked my body out just for you

And this is the bridge:

I know I’m not still 24 (if you’re keeping score)
But I have had my nights and I’ll have plenty more (plenty more)
Spectacular… CARDIOVASCULAR

But my favorite part is the end, after he’s shouted out various body parts, when he puts The Proclaimers and their 500 mile walk to shame:

And a would climb a billion mountains
I’d ride my bike and cycle for days
You know I’d run a million miles
And darling when I’m done, you’ll be the lucky one

A BILLION MOUNTAINS! THAT’S SO MANY MOUNTAINS! AND SPENDING ALL THAT TIME HIKING THE ALPS JUST MEANS YOUR GIRL WILL HAVE MORE TIME TO HANG AROUND THAT HUMP FROM THE GYM! ALAN! THINK THIS THROUGH!

Anyway, I like to think Alan Thicke gives his son Robin notes about his lyrics like, “Yes yes, Blurred Lines. I get it. But shouldn’t you include something about physical fitness? That’s how you get the girls.” That would make me happy.