Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Why I have Bad Karma Part 1

Revenge

Fuck You, Patty

Everyone asks themselves, "How did I get here?" Well, we are all assholes. Selfish, selfish assholes. We've avenged our bruised egos against ex-boyfriends, ex-bffs, and that merchandiser who wouldn't return our calls but went out with Patty, who had a pretty face, but a really uggo name. Seriously, "Patty"? Why didn't you just name your daughter "mound of meat" instead? But I digress...

Have you ever had that lull in conversation that preceded the infamous query "What's the worst thing you've ever done to someone and got away with?" Let's just pretend that this happens and it's not the line people drop on me to weed me out as a potential stalker. If you answer something like, "I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped with Nana's bootie," I'll assume that living in her basement at age 32 is punishment enough.

What's the best revenge I ever got away with? Well, to be clear, I'm not proud of it, but now that a decade has passed, I think it's safe to look back and shake my head about it.

How it All Began...

To paint this picture in the right light, let's discuss how the variables that led to this huge dick moment collected. Anna* was my best friend. She was a year younger than me and just out of high school. She used my apartment as a parental-friendly misdirection while she went buck wild with her ankles behind her ears either in my roommate's unoccupied room (That's right, Tonya, that wasn't spilled milk, you home-wrecking bitch) or at some dude's place that she was currently infatuated with. This happened on the weekends and when she'd come back, we'd go eat Chinese food and tell her mother we had Subway (or whatever was kosher with the diet her mother had put her on). This was a pretty good arrangement for Anna. She got more dick than she could count and I got...well, the Chinese was pretty good.

My other bestie was Aaron* and he had a pretty huge crush on Anna. They'd gone out a few times and he thought they were serious. She didn't feel the same way about him, but instead of telling him this, she dry rode him so hard she gave him dick burn while cleaning his brain through his ear canal with her tongue.

As for myself, I'd just broken up with my first real boyfriend. He was an alcoholic and I'd ended things when he went around the bar to "prove" he could find a better chick than me by hitting on every single girl there (and getting turned down miserably even though the Scott Stapp look wasn't a joke yet) after I told him he couldn't fondle me in public.

He looked exactly like this.
Only face-down in an alley.

I wasn't too torn up about it since there was another guy who had come by and visited me a few times. We'd made out, but nothing got too serious since his name was Scott Peterson.

Just like this guy.
"Are you a Laci or are you an Amber?"

The Betrayals

One night Anna was staying over with me. This time really sleeping over. Scott came over and we all had some beers. Anna was a light-weight and I always stayed sober around her since I usually had to pry guys off her (or vice versa). Scott was already drunk and insisted on joining us when we decided to hit the sack. I wasn't really into the idea of three people in my bed, but Anna insisted it was no big deal, we were just going to sleep, so we packed in. Scott laid on the left against the wall, Anna in the middle, and I teetered on the edge. About 20 minutes later, I was drifting to sleep when I heard, "Have you ever had an orgasm?" followed by a whispery, "no." I imagine in these situations a person has one of two reactions to laying in a bed next to two people who are fumbling with their zippers and then breathing heavily. One reaction would be to get sex nuts I suppose. Mine was getting out of bed and sleeping on the couch, or as I call it, beyond the splatter zone, while Scott's reaction was pleading after me, "Don't go, baby!"

The next morning, they lumbered up the steps, hair mussed and clothes wrinkled. Scott bailed quickly, but Anna headed toward the bathroom, turning her head toward me as soon as he left and smiled, "He really likes you."

Vicariously through me, of course.

Now enter Aaron, who is completely infatuated with Anna. He arranged a double date between he and Anna, and myself and my now ex. I vaguely remember Yukon Jack and monopoly, but I definitely remember Hannah leaving the party to go see Scott. That's right, she left to bang Scott while Aaron sobered up so he could go to work at 7AM. When Anna didn't come back in the morning, I even called Aaron to make sure she wasn't wrapped in plastic outside my window, but she eventually sauntered in around noon and we had Chinese.

To clarify, Aaron and I were HUGE fans of Twin Peaks.

The Plan

Aaron was pretty torn up about Anna walking out on him and I was pretty pissed about her "no man is off-limits" policy, so the two of us teamed up and brainstormed ways to make Anna realize how dangerous her behavior was. Well, at least Aaron wanted to make her safer. To be honest, I just wanted to dole out some payback for her using my place and walking all over me. The conversation went something like this:

"What kinds of diseases can you get from being fingered?"
"The first one that comes to mind is dysentery."
"I think we found our winner."
"If this goes well, she'll be putting a passcode on her zipper."
"Right on. How's your mom doing?"

The Ruse

I called Anna the following weekend and laid the trap.

"Hey, you never messed around with Scott, did you?"
"No. We just talked."
"Oh, good, because his roommate told Tonya that he and Scott had contracted dysentery. Smart move on your part to not let him touch you, because I hear they have a serious case of the bloody runs."
"...what's dysentery?"
"Well, it's this infection you get when someone doesn't wash their hands after going no. 2 that makes your colon explode. You should check it out, since you want to be a nurse and all."

The Pay Off

It didn't take long until Anna called me back. She'd worked herself up so much that she had actually given herself diarrhea.

"Sarah! I'm so scared! What if I have dysentery! I looked it up, and I've had to run to the bathroom three times in an hour!"
"Relax, you don't have anything to worry about. It wasn't like he had his hands on you or was close to your easily susceptible soft tissue."
"I have diarrhea really bad and my stomach hurts! Maybe I should go to the doctor! If he gave me anything, I will kill him!"

Anna actually confronted Scott's roommate when she couldn't find Scott. As luck would have it, he had actually joked about dysentery and told her my roommate (whom I hope burns in Hell) must have heard him through the wall. What were the odds, amirite??

I wish I could tell you this story ended on a high note, but the only happy endings in this story were the ones Anna was dealing out to near strangers. The fear subsided as soon as she found out it wasn't real, so it didn't really stop her reckless behavior.

So yeah, that's probably the worst thing I've ever done to a friend, even if some faction was trying to get her to wake up. I hear she's married now and an RNA. I just hope she gets that flashback whenever she's dealing with a patient complaining of diarrhea...