Sunday, May 08, 2005

New specs and old speculums

Poster girl for wanker blindness

Last week was full of professional appointments for me. On Wednesday, I finally got my new specs, pictured above. These are some big, heavy glasses, and they slip down my nose constantly. My prescription makes the lenses super thick. If you previously only suspected that I was makin' myself blind, you now have conclusive proof.

On Thursday, I had an appointment with my friendly gynecologist. And before you go thinkin' you're awfully clever, I hear you out there goin' "hello...hello...hello...hello..."I will get you for that.

Anyway, I went into the exam room like I always do, and was instructed to get completely nekkid and then put on the paper gown. I don't think I've ever had a gown with such big, pink, poufy shoulders. I felt pretty.

When Dr. E and his assistant came in, I remarked that the gown reminded me an awful lot of my prom dress. When Dr. E ripped it all the way down the back to listen to my lungs, I remarked that it was now a whole lot more like my prom dress. I think that one went over their heads.

Then they had me get up in the stirrups, which is not nearly as fun as it sounds. I got my feet up and scooched down as instructed. Attempting to relax, I decided to look at something other than the ceiling. So I glanced down, between and past my stirruped legs, and what should my eyes behold but a People magazine on the table. With a picture of John Paul II, the dead pope, starin' back at me from between my legs. It was disconcerting, to say the least. Really, would you want a dead religious figure starin' back at you from between your stirruped feet?

I thought that would be the most off-putting moment of the exam...until Dr. E suddenly invaded me digitally in a way I thought was the exclusive province of patients with a prostate. To say it was unexpected is a gross understatement. I think I yelped a little, and I know I blurted out, "Okay, you really did need to buy me dinner before you did that!"

As always, Dr. E chided me for bein' a smoker, and strongly encouraged me to quit. And I just looked at him and thought, you're gonna violate my ass and you expect me not to smoke afterward?

Yes, what mrtl said. Don't expect us to believe you went to the gynecologist without wearing your "ass-less chaps." We weren't born yesterday; we've got your number. (Had a lot of sixes in it, as I recall...)

Squirl - looks like you'll be seein' me, my new specs, and my chaps weekend after next. Er, maybe I should leave the chaps at home. Some things Mom does NOT need to know about me.

Mrtl - the doc "warned" me at exactly the moment of invasion. No time to prepare, brace myself, clench, or anything. Oh, well, at least he wasn't pretending it was an "accident" like all my dates always did...

KBBAW - the reason why is far too graphic and icky for anyone on the Internet to need clarification on. Let's just say that it is necessary, albeit odd and painful.But yes, the doc definitley could use a spruce-up in his "bedside manner" as it were.

Okay, I totally like Mr. Bloggeriffic's warning system.Thank god, I have escaped the ass spelunking so far, but I've been lucky with my gynos. I've got one lately who informs me of what's going on, and rates very low on the creep factor, so it's not that bad to talk to him while he's getting a fix on where my internal organs are. But yeah, you totally need a perimeter alarm on that thing!

What kind of a person do you take me for, HDL? I most certainly DO NOT shove my finger in people's asses FOR FREE. I get paid handsomely for it. You must have me confused with Greenie, whose services ARE free but only if you're an attractive young homosexual male.

On my one post about pap smears many months ago, I did mention the ass jabbing finish. I've only had it ONE TIME, and I was seriously traumatized. She was busy doing her thing down below when suddenly she said, "Now I'm going to check your rectum," and before I even had the chance to take a breath or tell her HELL NO or snap my knees together in protest, she was in. Wearing that god damn cold latex glove with cold ass lube on it. UGH. I think my pucker was permanantly pinched shut for weeks afterwards.