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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Out of balance today

After days of freaking out, I got the answer I wanted. I am going to continue as a sole proprietor and worry about each obstacle as it comes my way. I tend to be one of those people that worry about everything all the time and drive all those around me crazy. Thank you to my blogger friends for your wonderful support and advice.

With my rewriting I am going to take it page by page, instead of chapter by chapter. Hopefully that will stop me from procrastinating. My brother thinks I am delaying the self-editing process because I am afraid of failure in the long run and I think he might be right. Sometimes I wish I was a lot braver than I really am.

I have become a lot more of a hermit, but I can’t help it, I just prefer my own company and only leave the house to buy groceries. Avoiding huge amounts of human contact actually keeps me sane, believe it or not. Being amongst people irritates me and depresses me even more.

Certain days I think the depression medication is helping and other days I know it isn’t. Lately I have been feeling really low and getting out of bed has become a chore again. Most people know why they get depressed, I don’t. My hormones just get so out of whack that I patiently wait and pray that it will return to a reasonable level as soon as possible.

I would love to be one of those people who are enchanting and who always has something good to say, but I’m the exact opposite. My mom says I have been this depressing person since I was born. I know many of you would like a lot more interesting and vibrant posts, but I honestly don’t think it is in me right now.

22 comments
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HI Murees - I'm sure you're not a down in the dumps kind of person - that's not what I 'hear' ... but a couple of things I learnt - that helped me open up ... was to smile at people, doesn't mean I need to talk or anything, but just helps both of us .. and to accept that people will be people and thus just keep patience in your hand .. life will become much less stressful ... I hope and think ...

Good for you for having that plan - how many pages? = edits done by which month? Keep at it .. and good luck - cheers Hilary

Hilary's comment is great. Also, you are connecting with many people on the Internet, so that's a good thing. I don't like to leave the house unnecessarily either because it takes me away from my creative work.

I think I should try the b-complex and calcium. I was hoping to self-edit my manuscript into something I was proud off and then pay for an editor, as I am still saving money for an editor. Thank you for your kind words and helpful advice.

You're not alone with that haunting depression. There are a lot of us out here, dealing with it--some more than others to be sure. I like that you're chunking the editing into smaller bits. That's a great strategy.

I think the main thing is not to be too hard on yourself. Depression is not an easy thing to quantify or deal with. If I'm honest with myself, I'm going through something similar myself at the moment. In the last year I lost a close family member and ended a relationship. The ironic thing is that although I've always needed time on my own, I'm finding that tough at the moment. I find it difficult to get out of bed or motivate myself when I'm on my own. You'd think I'd relish whole days to myself. I don't.

You (and I) need to stay connected. You have that through your blog and writing friends. Go easy on yourself, which you are already doing by thinking one page at a time instead of a chapter at a time. Try to enjoy the little things. Most importantly, get out and get some fresh air. Walking is a great way to lift your mood. It really helps me.

I think it's unfair of your mum to call you depressING. Hormones play a huge part in our feelings, and depression and hermitism is a common trait among writers. I think it's largely to do with the way writers have to dig deep into all those emotions that other people don't dwell on. I have very low periods - recognising them is the most important part of overcoming them. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Thank you so much for the support, Annalisa. During my childhood my mom and my siblings couldn't handle me. They said i used to cry for hours on end and not be able to tell them why. I think it is just very hard for my mom, but she is trying to be as supportive as she can.

Revision is tough; I once wrote an entire draft for a new story in order to avoid revising the first story. I think a lot of people still don't understand depression, even though it affects a lot of people. I hope that things get better for you, though; sometimes it's better to go to quieter places, like cafes or bookstores, because then you can be left alone and still get a chance to relax.

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I think my mindset is not right to do revisions, but that I should get it right. I love writing and there is nothing else holding me back but myself. Thank you again.

I think you're doing the right thing by revising page by page, Murees. Believe it or not, I'm still doing that with new book, which I thought was ready! Can you find something you like to do, just to lift your spirits? Even little things like making a list of what you accomplished each day will help. You should use your talents and try to think positively.

So sorry you feel down in the dumps! Sometimes walking or just getting up and moving around your house can help. Exercise releases chemicals that can lift your move. I think as writers we often can tend toward being more introverted, but it sounds like you may have a bit of a chemical imbalance? That's something tough... I know some people have had luck with Sam-E. It's a natural mood enhancer (herbal) you can buy on Amazon or at the grocery store in the vitamin section.

Thank you for the kind words and great advice Stephanie. I am currently on medication and will be checking in with my doctor in a month or two to talk about its effectiveness. But I am willing to try anything at this point.