September 9, 2011

Romney Touts His List of Republican Talking Points as the Most-Recently Photocopied

MITT ROMNEY'S OLD IDEAS HAVE BEEN COMMITTED TO BRAND NEW PAPER.

NORTH LAS VEGAS, NV -- On Tuesday, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney unveiled his copy of well-worn Republican talking points to members of the media and supporters of his presidential campaign.

“These are tried and true policies that will rejuvenate the economy, create thousands and thousands of new jobs, and bring prosperity back to America,” he said.

“My opponents also have the same ideas, as all Republicans and most Democrats have for a long time, but I assure you that my plan is the most recently photocopied out of all of them.

“I literally printed it out this morning.”

The ideas laid out Mr. Romney’s proposal are all classic Republican policies that have been introduced in one form or another hundreds of times.

Analysts said this will position him as the candidate with the most comprehensive list of talking points in the field, and on the highest quality paper available.

“He’s got all of them,” said campaign expert Dicky Bloads. “Cuts to the capital gains tax, oil drilling, elimination of social services that people depend on, removing estate taxes entirely, lowering the corporate tax rate, you name it.

“There’s even a mention of Ronald Reagan, with the so-called ‘Reagan Economic Zone’ that would expand free trade agreements,” Mr. Bloads continued. “The only thing it’s missing is a list of countries he would bomb on his first day in office. If he’d done that he’d be a shoo-in for the nomination.”

Mr. Romney went on the offensive against Texas governor Rick Perry, calling his ideas “stale” and “dog-eared.”

“Clearly, [Mr. Perry’s] economic plan was something George Bush left in his desk when he left the governorship,” Mr. Romney said. “My proposal was photocopied using a brand new package of paper, and on a high-end Xerox copier.”

As of press time, Mr. Perry was expecting an e’mail from Republican strategist Karl Rove featuring several PDF files containing an economic plan.

Mr. Perry’s representative would not comment on whether they would simply print those files, or photocopy their current plan onto new paper.