Three years today. That’s when your tiny body was born, gently cushioned within the watery home which was to be yours for a few months more. Your profile in that sac, floating in clear waters, was so perfect. It was hard to believe that your body was lifeless. You were tiny, but you had cute little arms and legs, already had all your fingers and toes, two teeny ears, dark eyes, and your nose forming. Your spine was so clear through the translucent skin. Your mouth appeared to be smiling. We took so many pictures of you, like any doting parent, just so we could never forget that you were real. You were not a figment of our imagination.

You entered early in the morning after a day full of Easter activities. We had been anxiously anticipating your arrival after learning your heart was no longer beating 6 days before. Our family Easter pictures the day before included you within my womb, but you were really already in another home. It all felt surreal. We were heartbroken and utterly devastated. I can still feel the incredibly deep ache of those days and weeks to follow. Oh, it all felt so dark.

As I think of you, I wonder what those sweet little features would’ve grown into. Would those dark eyes be blue like your siblings? Would that nose look like mama’s or daddy’s? I felt like you were going to be another little boy, but were you really a girl? Were you the sister Abriella had been desiring? It was just a little too early to tell for sure. Would you start out blond and then end up dark headed like your sister and brothers? What would your cry sound like? What would your little voice have to say as you grew? What would your name be? We left your name as Tiny Joyner –that is what your siblings named you when they learned of you weeks before. I’ve often had thoughts of changing your name to something else, as your impact in our lives has never felt tiny at all! Oh, sweet baby, I know that God has the perfect name for you! What is it, dear one? I have had so many dreams and thoughts about you.

I don’t know these details about you, but your heavenly Father knows more about you than I could ever fathom. He knew all of your days before there were any. He knew you wouldn’t be with us long before you were with us at all. You have another sibling that also went to heaven ahead of you. I imagine you have met. Oh, I just wonder what it’s like in heaven! Is it just amazing?! I know it must be! While I miss you both, I know that you want for nothing. You lack nothing. This world was never meant to be your home. This world is not my home either, but I must pass through for a little while longer.

Sweet Tiny Joyner, today is a day that I will never forget. The ache that was once so heavy is lighter now. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.* These words used to sting so badly. The tears burned hot. Now, I can read them with more understanding. The tears now don’t fall like they once did. Your place in our family may not be evident to many, but it is precious to me. God used you in mighty ways to show us so much more about Himself. One day, I pray that I will get to see my Lord and Savior face to face. I want to see what you see. For you, I imagine today was as amazing as any day in heavenly eternity. It’s truly beyond my comprehension for now. One day, it will all be clear. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.**

These were pictures taken by our friend Melissa of me nursing Charlie when he was a newborn. Such a sweet gift to be able to nurse a sweet baby again.

This was from baby dedication/blessing at the end of November 2015 at our church.

Dec 9, 2015: Final Christmas choir practice before Sunday. Come to TBC at 9:30 or 11 on Sunday to hear them sing and hear a cute 6 y/o boy say some scripture too.

Dec 10, 2015: These were from homeschool last Friday. The things he loves: smiling, watching his siblings, and eating his hands.

Dec 10: What a fun day! Two end of semester Christmas parties and then a preschool program! Tonight, it made my heart so proud as I watched my older two wave at and clap for Ridley. They are so proud of their brother! What a blessing! (Ridley is the one in red–ha! Abriella with Mrs. Heisch. Colby with Mrs. Lehmann).

A funny that Abriella said on Dec 11, 2015: “I’ve reached a hard age.” – Abriella, age 8.

First amber necklace.

Dec 12, 2015: First successful bottle! Abriella fed him a second one, too! Yay!!
(Of course, he’s not letting me out of his sight now–I was gone a whole 4 hours!! Ha!)

Dec 13, 2015: This was just a short clip on my phone from this morning’s Christmas choir. Colby is the boy that recites scripture. Abriella is a row above him. We are so proud of all of these kids this morning! These were kids from 4 yrs to 4th grade.

I really have this desire to return to blogging. Somehow, maybe I can catch up on pictures. It may be a lost cause and I’ll just have to pick up from this point.

Quick recap:
Abriella is 9 years old and in 4th grade
Colby is 7 years old and in 2nd grade
Ridley is 5 years old and in Pre-K
Charlie is 18 months old and with mama

All are busy and active! Abriella is taking Violin lessons. Colby is taking piano lessons. Both Abriella and Colby practice with the gymnastics team. They are not competing this year, but may consider doing that this next year. Ridley also takes gymnastics once a week. Charlie does his best to try to keep up with all of them!

Nov 6: Quick visit from Great Grandma Joyner, Great Aunt Cindy, and Pa-pa.

These two share a birthday. This is Colby’s Great Grandma Joyner. This is the first time they’ve met in person.

Nov 14: Fun birthday party today! Yes, Ridley was there, too, but didn’t want to ride the horse or touch the animals

Nov 15: This is how I’m able to fold clothes.

Nov 16: He likes to hang out in my lap for school.

Nov 18: A nice warm bath after a very fussy day always helps!

Nov 19:

Hi, friends! Smile today! And, smile with your whole body so all pictures of you are blurry!(Yes, I need to quit being lazy and get out the real camera instead of the smart phone).

Nov 19: Thanksgiving feast with Ridley (and Charlie). Also went to eat lunch beforehand with the olders, but failed to take a picture.

Ridley with his teacher, Mrs. Andrea!

Nov 20: Isn’t this how you like to sleep?! Cherishing him napping with me during school, but also looking forward to him taking longer naps in his bed, too.

My boys! ♥

Nov 21: This big guy is 3 months old today! He adds so much joy to our house! He smiles and talks to us more and more. He often likes to visit with mommy and daddy after the other kids go to bed. But, he does sometimes go to sleep for the night shortly after they do, too.

He still doesn’t care to sleep in his bed for naps much during the day. He sleeps great in his bed at night though. He sleeps long stretches at night most nights, but still occasionally does some frequent wakings, which is completely normal. He’s still sleeping in the pack n play in our room. His nursery upstairs remains unoccupied. We enjoy having him in the room with us! None of our others stayed in our room near this long! smile emoticon

He is moving into 3-6 month clothes now. We fully cloth diaper him during the day, but haven’t converted at night. No good reason for that.

He is looking more and more like his brothers as he gets older. Definitely a Joyner boy!

He is about as sweet as they come! He is the most easy going baby of all of ours, which is such a blessing, being the 4th! We love him so much!! His siblings still adore him!! Happy 3 months, Prince Charles!

(We completely put the wrong stuffed animal with him in this picture this morning. haha!)

Nov 22: He looks so much bigger already! These were taken when he was 8 days old!

Where the Wild Things Are anyone?? Thank you to Nan Smith for the awesome outfit! He rocked it at church this morning!

Nov 23: Two good naps in his bed today! We’ll do this one while mommy cooks!

Nov 26: Exciting game of UNO with Grandma.

Grandma and Charlie talking

Nov 28: Today’s car ride home was heaps better than on the way to Grandma’s!

More pictures from when Charlie was 8 days old.

Nov 29: Abriella getting her ears pierced. The deed is done. Can’t say I was overly impressed with our Claire’s experience, but it’s done now. The picture story is fun to look through here.

Ok, that’s all for November. Next post will be December. Yes, these are all from my facebook account if you are there. I just want to save these somewhere besides there.

Ok, so first off, we have had a MAJOR life event that occured at the end of January into February that landed Ridley in the hospital for 6 nights. We are still following up on all of that. I plan to try to fully document that here, too, so I can remember details later, too. But, let me try to go back and attempt to catch up. HA! I’m 5 months behind on pictures! Oy! Best hop to it, right?!

Sept 29: Love when babies sleep in the froggy position. ♥ We’ve been busy today, so we’re finally taking a rest at home.

Oct 1: Tomorrow, Charlie will be 6 wks old! What?! Went for our appt today. Sandra has been my amazing Certified Nurse-Midwife with Ridley, through our two losses, and with Charlie. We have been so incredibly blessed by her! She’s not just a midwife, but an amazing friend, a shoulder to cry on, and so much more! Bethaney was with us for this birth and her sweet encouragement was just perfect. Our family is so thankful for these ladies!

Oct 2: It matters not what filter (if any) that I use, the dark circles under my eyes remain (I even have makeup on). Would I like more sleep? Absolutely. Does having a sweet baby sleep on me get old? No way. Am I thankful? Without a doubt.

Oct 4: My favorite part of this picture is hard to see but check out the leg rolls forming at the bottom of the picture! Grow baby, grow!

Oct 5: Getting more chins everyday! ♥

Oct 6: We are more likely to catch the sleepy smiles on camera than the awake ones right now. I love them all!

Oct 8: A little extra time before preschool well spent. 🙂

Oct 8: Who slept a 5 hr stretch last night that mommy got to enjoy, too?! Yep, this sweet boy! (4 hrs x 2 the night before!). I know better than to expect this on a regular basis, but we’ll take it when we can!

Oct 8: Didn’t get a picture before it went to school and lost the oars on the other side, but this is the Viking ship Abriella made all by herself for a history project. Proud of her hard work (and thankful for art camp that taught her how to work with clay!).

Oct 9: Charlie slept over 7 hrs straight last night! I only woke up a few times during that stretch, so I’m feeling pretty good!! God knew I needed some better sleep, especially while Stephen was gone. Thank you, God!! And, a picture just for kicks. Charlie loves to look at himself in the mirror.

Oct 10: Daddy strategically took Charlie… So we are playing a little settlers of catan.

Oct 12: Fun doing a fall craft with friends this morning! This was with the Farnham family. We first met them a few years ago when we did Kindermusik at their house. They have grown by 2 since then (now have 5). Wonderful christian family!

This morning, as I was waiting on balloons for tonight, I was talking with the lady blowing up the balloons. Charlie was with me and she asked about him. I said he was my 4th, not even wanting to get into what the balloons were for. Sometimes, i just don’t want to go there. She said she had 2 and they were 9 years apart. Something immediately inside me felt like there was a story in that.

I kept quiet and we continued to talk about babies. She then went on to “randomly” share that she had dealt with infertility and years of failed treatments before her 2nd was conceived naturally. Ah… I then shared that the balloons were actually for babies lost, and that we had 2 not with us. She was so sweet, compassionate, and not awkward at all, and recognized how Charlie was such a blessing. She was actually familiar with the significance of today. She then blew a kiss to the balloons, and said “Mmm, sending them off with love.” It was obvious she meant it.

I know many women in this journey also have infertility as part of their story. Some of you have gone through years of treatments only to give those babies back to God. Some of you have gone through years of treatments, and your dreams of ever having life grow within your womb have never been fulfilled. Some of you are dealing with infertility after one or more of your babies have already gone to heaven, when that was never an issue before.

Everyone has a story. God is weaving it together in ways we may never understand. I believe He is sovereign and He is good, even when this life hurts so much. As I send these balloons off tonight, I’m praying for hope for you, too. Hope in the One who will redeem every bit of this life one glorious day. Hope in getting to see our Savior face to face one day. Choose Hope. ♥

More from Oct 15: This evening, we sent up balloons to remember and honor our babies that are enjoying the presence of Jesus already. We wrote notes to our Teeny and Tiny. Tiny would’ve been a year old this month had he made it near his due date. We miss our babies, but have we ever been changed because of them! We are choosing hope today. Hope of sitting in the presence of our God one day. (I had baby spit-up on me in my picture 😉 )

Oct 16: These two. Not sure you can find a bigger fan of Charlie than Colby.

Oct 17: Sweet baby breaths in my neck. I don’t want to take any of it for granted. ♥

Oct 19: Enjoyed a cool walk this morning.

Oct 20: One sleeping, one crying. (both rear-facing in their seats)

Oct 21: Different strategy for our morning walk today.

Oct 21:

2 months today! Boy, is this guy ever growing!! Not sure how much he weighs currently. He was 10-3 at a day shy of 6 wks. So, I’d say he’s 12lbs or more, but we don’t have our appt for another 9 days.

He’s smiling a lot these days. He eats a lot–clearly. He loves to look at himself in his mirror beside his changing pad. He will not take a bottle yet, so we’ll keep trying at that one. He still is not a huge fan of the car, which is unfortunate. He coos. He loves his siblings a lot.

He still sleeps in the room with us in his pack n play. He is very unpredictable at night, but he does occasionally sleep longer stretches, but we never count on it. smile emoticon

We love this guy tons!

Oct 22: Most Tuesdays and Thursdays, while the others are at school, you’ll find me in a rocking chair with this handsome little guy. My house may be a mess, but I don’t want to miss this. ♥

Oct 23: Little mama. She and I are trying our hands at knitting tonight.

Oct 27: Let’s hear it for baby leggings and cute socks that look like shoes! And little chunky legs! Oh, and cloth diapers! Some of my favorite things!

Oct 28: Newsboy hat for the walk this morning. Hat was made for RIDLEY by my friend, Beth Kelly. Love when I can use sweet things again.

Oct 29: Literary Day for the older 2 and dress up at preschool for Ridley. So, we have Mary Lennox (Secret Garden), Pa Ingalls (I forgot to get a pic of his fiddle), and (for at least the 2nd year in a row) Capt America.

Charlie wanted to represent on literary day, too, with a little love for Peter Rabbit.

We walked the “candy trail” downtown and went to a fall festival at another church. Then, the kids went to a few houses in our neighborhood and then we ended the night watching some old Casper cartoons. The kids thought they were hilarious! Love my little family! Ridley has just been knocked into the wall by Abs (she didn’t realize he was behind her).

I just don’t find myself with tons of extra time these days! Well, if I am sitting still, which really does happen a bit, it’s nursing a baby. So, that leaves me unable to update a blog! I am able to post things one-handed on facebook, but that’s it. I realize some of you are not on facebook (it’s addicting anyway, so best to stay away!). So, I’m going to try to add more of my pictures here to catch up.

Sept 14: This little guy has a tough life. 🙂

Sept 15: This bouncy seat has been with us for over 8 years. It has seen lots of action. We rarely even use the entertainment part of it. Charlie was checking out things in the kitchen at this point.

Sept 18: Four weeks with Charles Samuel Joyner in our arms this side of heaven. Charlie, you likely have no idea how much you were prayed for. One day, you will. We are incredibly thankful that God purposed you to stay with us here. I still daily think about your 2 siblings that are enjoying heaven already. I often wonder what you smile about in your slumber. Do you see Jesus in your sleep? Do you get glimpses of heaven? I’ll never know. Sweet Charlie, I’m glad you are here and pray for many more weeks and months and years with you. You are so loved!!

Sept 20: There is no lullaby as sweet as mommy and daddy’s heartbeat. Sleep well, my Charlie.

Sept 21st: Today, Charlie is 1 month old!

He is growing a lot! Not sure of his weight, but he is definitely filling out and getting longer. This month, he had his first cold (thank you big brother and preschool), and made it through that like a trooper. His nightly anthem is “I need thee every hour” … The last few nights, though, he has slept better at night, going 2-2 1/2 hrs between feeds (I think–I don’t watch the clock–I just know I actually fell asleep between feedings). He progressed from the cradle to the pack-n-play in our room. He’s the only one of ours that has ended up getting his limbs through the slats in the cradle and getting mad at that. Hence the move. He is a pretty laid back baby overall–except when he was sick. Lots of crying! He loves his siblings and they adore him! He sleeps through everything during the daytime—loud, loud, loud. Hope that stays!

Yes, his hair looks red in the picture. No, I don’t think he is actually a red-head. All of our kids looked a little strawberry blondish initially in certain lights or certain backgrounds, so I figure he’ll likely be the same. I think this red head is definitely courtesy of the chair background.

Sept 21: Some other pictures that had been on my camera (so this is not the date they were taken)

Sept 21st: Colby being knighted. Earlier, I charged Abriella as a lady in waiting. Fun history!

Sept 22: Yep, I am leaving him there to sleep. Sometimes, a big shooey diaper is exhausting. (The changing pad is on the floor, so no worries).

Sept 24th: Charlie loves to hang out with mama. He does sleep well in the pack n play, too, but it’s nice to keep him close a lot, too. Babywearing is one of my faves.

Sept 29: A friend posted this on FB. She is another friend in Hope Mommies.

In February, I had the honor of rooming with this beautiful woman at the hope mommies retreat. This precious baby was so little in her belly but oh have they been prayed over. She asked me on Sunday if I had any hope boxes and I did so today we met up in the middle of a longer drive and I got to enjoy conversations, get some tiny baby snuggles and watch my daughter ooh and ahh. I’m so blessed by this community and as sad as it is to know that the box is for another heartbroken mama, I am so grateful that we come together like this. #toGodbetheglory#hopemommies#sisterhood — with Jennifer Miller Joyner.

Homeschool days are a bit (maybe a lot) longer right now. As fatigue increases, patience seems to decrease. But, I continue to see God working in me and our kids. I may mess up a lot, but I know God has me in His loving, oh so patient hand. Thankful that my kids are very forgiving to their tired, cranky mama. These pics remind me of the sweet moments amongst the “not-so-sweet” moments (that certainly don’t make it to the facebook!).

Thankful that the daughter drew this sweet picture of her family when sent to her room the other day during a frustrating homeschool time.

As is my tradition, I am documenting my birth story. If not for anyone else, I like to remember how each child entered the world. So, read if you like, but also know that there may be what some consider TMI (too much info). Read with caution. ha!

First, I want to share a couple of pictures of a note that Abriella had written quickly in a class at church a few Sundays before the birth. I kept this on our dresser after she gave it to me so that I could see it. “Hope” has become such a meaningful word to me over the past year and a half.

So, having had babies earlier than the due date comes with some challenges. Mental challenges. (Some might say I have mental challenges ALL the time). Then, when the physical signs start coming, the challenge comes stronger. So, on Wednesday night, the 19th, I had a few hours of mild contractions. They were not braxton hicks. These were actually contractions that were in my back, which has only ever happened with my “real” contractions. So, I laid awake, wondering if these would turn into anything, but they didn’t. I went to sleep.

On Thursday, the 20th, I had sporadic contractions throughout the day. I visited the chiropractor and she said my pelvis was definitely more mobile than it had been in the previous week. She did some adjustments to also try to encourage proper positioning of the baby. Ridley and I also went grocery shopping. What an uncomfortable shopping trip!

Historically, I’ve never had contractions before it was actually labor time. So, I wasn’t sure what to think about these. I did send a text to my midwife, Sandra, around 4:40pm to let her know what had been happening. I told her I wasn’t sure if they would turn into anything more or not and I was still continuing on as usual. Later, she texted me to see where things were—if she should stay at the birth center (to be closer to me) or go home. I told her to go home as there was no action on my part. That was at 7:30 pm.

So, I had been “planning” for a while to make it to this particular weekend of 37 1/2 wks before giving birth. Funny, I know. It was a goal to get to 37 wks and then get through the 1st week of school for the kids. Certainly, I was trying to be ok with going past that, too. The hard thing is that I also really wanted this rainbow baby in my arms, safe and sound. Once you enter the baby loss community, you know all the stories. All the very sad and hard stories. You know, without a doubt, that there is no safe period in pregnancy.

With that being said, I was also to the “I’m done” point of pregnancy. I’ve reached this with every pregnancy and the baby was born shortly thereafter. It’s kind of odd how that has happened. Well, I’m not sure I had hit that point with Ridley just yet that I had verbalized it. The others, I had verbalized it in some form or another to Stephen. I had reached that point with this one. It’s kind of pitiful how soon I reach that point. Like, seriously, I have no sympathy for myself when I get to that point at 37ish weeks! But, it’s when my pelvis is seriously aching, more pelvic pressure, waddling takes on full force, etc.

OK, fair warning: TMI ahead. Skip this paragraph and the next if you want to miss this part. Of course, now, you’re all curious… So, one part that I never wrote in my birth story for Colby (totally should go back and add it before I’m too old to remember how it all actually played out) was the last thing that happened before his labor started. I had been trying all day to go into labor with him without any success. So, my last attempt was to end the pregnancy the way it had started. So, that’s what happened, and then about 30 minutes later, the whirlwind labor started. HA! The husband was pretty pleased with himself.

So, this pregnancy, I was asking for the same ending on this particular night. Stephen had not touched me in a few weeks in this oh so loving way (can’t say I really cared to anyway–too uncomfortable!). He was not wanting to because it wasn’t his chosen night for me to deliver. HA! I told him that it was mine! And, I said I doubted it would work anyway. He confidently said it would. haha. Anyway, about 30 minutes after… I had a contraction. On the second contraction, I felt 2 little pops way low. I thought, hmmm, that reminds me of when my water broke with Colby, except it was way more dramatic with Colby. I pushed a tiny bit and a little gush of fluid came out. I went to the potty and there was a little pink with the clear fluid. Bingo. That was at 10:10pm.

So, I still always have a small doubt of my water breaking and want to be confident of it before notifying anyone. Anyway, I wasn’t contracting very often. They were like 10 or so minutes apart and mild. So, I just laid in the bed for a while watching the clock. Then, I decided to go sit in the rocking chair in the living room. Stephen was sleeping through this part as I hadn’t told him anything. (Later, he told me he knew something was going on because, in his words, “you were doing your thing.”). About 11:45 pm, I decided to finally let him know. I told him I was pretty sure my water had broken… He said, uh huh, yep. Kind of like, I told you this would happen! HA! I texted Sandra a few minutes later, just before midnight. Told her that possibly my water had broken (still doubting myself as it wasn’t a ton of fluid) and that I was contracting, but still easily manageable, but they were about every 3-5 minutes now. So, she said she’d better head my way (she lives like 45 minutes away).

Anyway, Stephen and I turned on the lights and start getting things in place in our room. I set up my essential oils diffuser, too. Diffused Balance with Wild Orange all throughout. Contractions came here and there, but they were just not that strong at all. I think Sandra arrived around 1:00 am (Friday the 21st now). I had talked to my friend, Bergen, somewhere around 12:30am or so, and learned she couldn’t come. She was home with her little boy, and her husband was gone that night. If birth had been imminent and Sandra wasn’t going to make it, she would’ve come. I told her that it was fine and we’d be good!

So, when Sandra arrived, she got all her stuff in the house and then started checking me out, taking vitals and listening to baby, etc. I then told her that Bergen wasn’t coming, so she called for someone else to come assist. Her name was Bethaney. I had met her at the birth center previously. Not sure what time she arrived exactly. I really didn’t keep up with the time much during the night. This was a picture that we took before anyone arrived. I look to be in hard labor, right!? HA! Bit of trivia: I have worn the same set of pants and shirt for all of my labors and Stephen has worn the same shorts. They’re our labor clothes. haha!

So, as stated earlier, I had been doubting the reality of my water breaking. But, I did start getting more obvious gushes of fluid so that there was no doubt. The contractions still weren’t anything to really write home about. Interestingly, the last few weeks leading up to birth, I had prayed for a peaceful labor. The entire pregnancy was much more stressful and emotional, occurring after 2 of our babies went to heaven. I just wanted peace and calm for the ending. Something about being chaotic and crazy fast like Colby’s labor didn’t appeal to me. I wanted all parties to be present and ready. I didn’t want any drama if possible. God answered this prayer.

So, some are aware of my involvement with a group called Hope Mommies. Well, they have some song playlists on Spotify. One of the playlists is called Everyday Encouragement. I turned my phone onto this playlist. It went for the entire night. I just can’t explain some of the emotions that went along with hearing some of those songs throughout the night. Several songs meant so much to me since our babies went to heaven. It is well by Bethel is a hugely meaningful song to me. It played towards the very end while I was in the birth pool (more on that later) and it brought tears to my eyes. O Lord by Lauren Daigle is another one of my favorites. Oceans by Hillsong is another one that means a lot. All of these songs are associated to different parts of my journey in my mind. To have them playing during labor and delivery spoke to me in some very special ways. It was a reminder to me that God was definitely with us.

So, as the night progressed, I started to get a little impatient. Just seemed to be taking longer to me. Again, I wasn’t watching the clock, so no idea how long things were really active labor like. I did have to stay up and moving for labor to be very effective with this one. When I would sit or lay down (like to check my vitals and baby’s heart beat), the contractions spaced out tremendously. That was an interesting part to me in this labor. Just standing up and even moving my legs up and down would lead to effective contractions. So, up we were. I tried at one time to walk up and down the stairs a bit, but something in one of my legs started hurting doing that. Would’ve been fine if I had put some shoes on, but who wants to do that?! ha! Clearly, I didn’t.

So, positions included walking around downstairs, hands and knees, sitting on an exercise ball (contractions stopped when sitting on it), doing some dancing moves with my legs that we did in a class at the birth center, and you know, getting down and up from the potty (that’s pretty difficult at some points, and it always seems that brings on a contraction!). The birth pool was set up in our room and it was just there mocking me. HA! I didn’t want to get in it too soon so as to slow down labor.

Around 5 am, we decided to wake Abriella up, since she had wanted to be at the birth. This is when we decided I could get into the pool. For those that wonder, I was never checked for dilation during pregnancy or during labor. I just went with what my body did, and Sandra, in her very knowledgeable ways, can tell based on what I’m doing about where I am in labor. I love that. Leading up to this time, contractions were definitely harder to work through. I was really depending on Stephen to apply counter pressure to my back and support me during this time. Stephen has always been so good for all of my different labors, whether that was coaching from the front seat of a van while driving who-knows-how-fast, or applying counter pressure, or praying over me, or just verbally encouraging me. He said a super sweet and powerful prayer over me at some point during this labor towards the end. I can’t remember when exactly.

I always have back labor for whatever reason. I figure it’s the way my body is made. But, this labor, I had even more painful back labor. The reason why is probably because this baby really was posterior for most of the labor. Something in my pelvis rotated him at the end, so he came out anterior. This might also be why this labor was a little slower. But, oh my back. There is just no describing how intense that is.

So, Abriella came downstairs and she was very confused. She told us later that she had actually been dreaming when Stephen woke her up. She had been dreaming that I was having the baby and that it was a boy. So, she said she actually pinched herself to make sure she wasn’t still dreaming. Bless her. (But, hey, she guessed it was a boy!).

So, the water felt great! We added some new hot water. Abriella and Bethaney got some of the colder water out with a big pot. I was on hands and knees, squatting, 1 leg out to the side while kind of on the other knee, I laid my head on the side of the pool, etc. It felt really good! When the contractions came, they were intense! As Abriella later stated, “I didn’t know mama could groan that loud.” ha! While I was in the pool before pushing, It is Well started playing on my phone. I started crying while it was playing. Sweet Bethaney was offering me a towel to wipe my nose every little while. This was a powerful reminder to me at the perfect time. It.is.well.

I don’t know when I started pushing. I don’t know how long I pushed. I don’t think it was very long, although it might’ve felt like it. I don’t know anything other than back labor, so can’t say personally what it feels like otherwise. But, with back labor, it does not feel good to push. I have to very much just push into the incredible back pain that goes with the pushing, which is against what every fiber in my body wants to do. And, I don’t know if he was rotating during this time or what, but it was more intense than the others (well, Abriella was just different, so can’t compare hers) during this pushing. This is when I became more vocal.

At one point, I did reach down and feel, and indeed, his head was there, so that gave me extra motivation. After his head was born, his body didn’t come quickly. I said something to the effect of “Get the baby out!” This is the only time that Sandra really laid hands on me. I don’t think she was worried, but just seeing what was going on. She told me later that his head was there, but his shoulders were way up–not a shoulder dystocia though. I repositioned myself (I don’t know if someone told me to, or I just did), and then he came on out. Stephen and Sandra both had hands on baby. Oh, sweet relief!! Born at 5:56 am on August 21st, 2015.

We placed baby on me and placed a warm wet towel on him. He quickly began to wail! Such incredible joy and relief and…well, it was just super emotional! I just couldn’t stop crying. I think it was a couple of minutes before we even looked to see gender. Abriella asked, of course. So, we peeked and she assured us she was fine with a boy when she learned the official gender. She had told us that before, but I know in her heart, she really wanted a sister. Sweet girl. We waited until the cord stopped pulsating (I remember it was quite a while–maybe 15-20 minutes) before cutting it. Abriella was able to feel the pulsating cord, which she thought was cool. When it came time to cut, she got to cut the cord. Placenta delivered shortly thereafter. Then, Sandra gave Abriella a mini lesson about placentas. I moved to the bed shortly after this and just loved on our boy! For my remembering only, I did tear in that same place that I always tear a little. But, it wasn’t even bleeding. I’ve never needed stitches with any of my births, thankfully.

Here are some pictures. You’ll notice in some of the pictures that Charlie’s face is quite bruised. That’s what happens coming through my birth canal sometimes! Ridley was like that, too! It was pretty much gone by the next day. Around one of his eyes, he was slightly swollen for a while longer.

First one, I love that Stephen and Abriella both have their hands on the new baby. The next few pictures…oh the emotion!

Abriella cutting the cord below and then standing proudly with her proud daddy! Love this picture!

The big weigh in. 7 lbs 2 oz (not bad for 37 wks 3 days). This is our awesome midwife, Sandra! I think I’ll have to take a picture that she’s ready for at our 6 wks visit! 🙂

The boys got to meet their baby brother! Ridley was a little irked that he wasn’t woken up for the birth. He said, “I wanted to see the baby come out!” We actually knew this, but we were going to only consider this if the birth occurred during his waking hours. Both Colby and Ridley were super surprised to come downstairs to a new baby!

We were incredibly blessed through this birth. It was such an emotional one for me. But, as Stephen said, “It was our most successful birth,” meaning different things that we had desired actually occurred. Truly, we’ve been blessed with all of our births. Even the birth of Tiny felt sacred when it occurred. I finally got a waterbirth, it was not crazy fast, it was a peaceful pace, it was at night which I just like better than day (Ridley was our only daytime birth, and it just seemed odd for some reason, ha!), Abriella got to be there like she wanted, and most of all, we got a very healthy little baby!

I felt a bit of healing perhaps through this birth. I thought about our babies that are enjoying heaven throughout the labor, and I still think about them daily. I don’t know when or if there will be a time in life when I don’t think about them and wonder. I think that’s ok. One day, Charlie will know about his siblings that didn’t live before him, too. I think it’s possible his older siblings might even tell him one day before me. I imagine Colby would be one to tell him. I guess we’ll see one day.

We are just so thankful! We are at 1 month and a day since Charlie was born, and it just seems like he’s always been with us in many ways. He’s such an incredible blessing as all 6 of my children are. The babies that aren’t with us blessed us in many ways, too, some of which we haven’t even fully realized yet. Thank you for all of you that have prayed us through this. We ask that you continue to pray for us as we parent our children as long as we are given with them.