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When Gwyneth Paltrow “AKA People Magazine’s Sexiest Woman and don’t you forget it,” wore this sheer paneled dress to the premiere of Iron Man 3 everyone began to speculate on how she dealt with her pubes in such a revealing outfit. Did she have an army of Nepalese child slaves pluck each hair out individually? Did she perform a ritualistic wax using manuka honey infused with the tears of starving African children? Or, being Goopy-Granola, is she sporting a bush so big you need a machete to cut through it?

Yesterday Gwyneth went on Ellen to elaborate on her grooming techniques. Turns out it’s the latter, sorry if you were eating breakfast.

“I kind of had a disaster,” Paltrow explained “I was doing a show and I changed there, and I went and I couldn’t wear underwear. I don’t think I can tell this story on TV. Well, let’s just say everyone went scrambling for a razor and so I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated in one day… I work a seventies vibe, if you know what I mean!”

I just hope when she made those plebians hack away at her understory to keep it from exploding out of that dress she made sure they kept an eye out for any sloths living in there. I think those things are endangered.

The pedestrian People magazine has named Gwyneth Paltrow 2013’s most beautiful woman. Since in high school I was voted “Most Likely to Take Up Residence in the Belfry at Notre Dame,” I don’t really have a platform to say ol’ Gweny Goop isn’t beautiful, she looks great for a 40-year-old woman, and she hasn’t resorted to plastic surgery…yet. Although she probably has resorted to housing pregnant illegal immigrants in her mansion and forcing them to have abortions so she can feast on the flesh of the unborn which she believes keeps her young, just saying.

Anyways, what I’m getting at is yes, Gwyneth is beautiful, but believe me, this bitch knows that better than anybody else. The last thing she need is a boost to an ego already so big she’s about to emerge from her silken cocoon like Mothra and destroy Manhattan for overturning the soft drink ban. They should have named Britney Spears as Most Beautiful, she looks like she could really use a pick me up. Let’s keep GOOPy’s awards to things more up her alley like “Most Likely to ‘Accidentally’ Starve Her Children,” of “Most Likely to Die in a Wood-Fired Stove Related Accident.”