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There is currently a large-scale military conflict happening between Cornwall and England. A Cornishman found an old document somewhere that said the Cornish and the English were once two separate species and so now the whole of Cornwall wants its own little democratic people's republic. The English are used to the Welsh and the Scottish saying the same so at first they didn't really give a shit, but since discovering that Cornwall was home to 99% of MPs' uninhabited-for-50-weeks-of-the-year second homes they couldn't let their collection of Napoleonic-era porcelain figurines fall into the wrong hands. Both the English and the Cornish enjoy burning each other's flags, but because the Cornish flag is so much cooler it is burnt slightly less. Johnny Depp even uses it on his boat when he's dicking around the Bahamas, because it's kind of piratey.

The Cornish say Cornwall is a nation, but we all know that it's just a pissy-ass little county, because that's what the maps say, and maps never lie. Also, a county is what it will always be, because nothing in the history of the world has ever changed, ever.

The Cornish are one of the most oppressed people on the planet. In fact there were recently protests in China and Iran against the treatment of the Cornish by the British government. Anyone caught speaking the Cornish language is sent to "re-education" camps set up by the BBC and the British government routinely sends bus-loads of English pensioners to settle in Cornwall, making the Cornish a minority on their own bit of granite. Anyone born in Cornwall has a little English flag branded onto their backside at birth, just so they know who's boss.

There is a Cornish terrorist movement created to fight the English oppressor, but this is actually just one man in Bodmin who still lives with his mum, who thinks watching Al Jazeera on his Freeview makes him a terrorist.

Old lady. Old lady. Coffee morning. 'er up tolskithy row has found out she is related to Bob Marley. Old lady. Canine cannoball incident at Royal Cornwall Show. Old lady. Old man found, motorbike still missing. Old man knocked off mobility scooter by moving bollard.

For more up to date news see The Source FM, the authoritative and state monitored voice of "Truth". Ish.

Fowey a small villagey type thing with a population of mainly expressionless people has a local basketball which everyone shares it is known as ye olde one ball.

The area has seen a massive influx of giant rats infesting the area. The rats believed to be of African descent have taken residency in Cornwall disrupting the tasks of life. The "Bull" rat or "Rattisphycadelia" may have arrived on board the slave ships that dock in eastern harbours on a daily basis however some believe they originated from the basement of Dr. Simon Philips or locally as "Mad Phil" who has been known to be splicing DNA of various animals including a creature that was recently part of the film splice and an earlier creature that was sent in to spacce known as an xenomorph however he also proved to have been the creator of many other creatures apart from Gizmo and the gremlins who his unrelated grandfather created to deal with the attack of the frisky bullfrogs which inherited Cornwall after it was wiped out by Man flu. The mayor and his team have gathered together a band of locals to find suggestions to deal with the rats, these include: Spiderman, Dr Manhattan, Judge Dredd, Shakespeare, Betty Boop, Bill cospy, Proffesor Frank-n-Furter, me you and dupree, skippy, the Joker,Gandalph and the cowardly lion however there has been a civil war within Cornwall after skippy confused the group into thinking that little Jimmy is stuck down the well when, in fact, he was robbing the groups secret lair, at 29 Mount doom on Loan from Sauron.

Originally what is now Cornwall was under the sea, with only a small, phallic shaped island poking about the water, Brown Willy. Brown Willy erupted in a volcanic eruption in 9000BC. The video footage of this was destroyed in the Puritan era, since it was considered pornographic.

The first people to settle it were the Welsh, who needed somewhere to grow corn, since they always found that the sheep ate it in Wales. It was therefore named Corn-Wales, which was shortened to Cornwall after the end of Welsh rule in 5000BC.

The Welsh infamously used inbreeding as a method of increasing the Cornish population and as a result mutated beasts were formed. These beasts began using beastiality as a way of making larger families and the Cornish population soon increased. Due to this large population, jobs were very difficult to find so the Cornish began digging in fields for coins, later named 'mining'. All the coins were collected and later lost, the Cornish were shocked by this so they began planting carrots in their deserted fields as a way of keeping busy. This was later named 'farming'. Pirates from the East soon became pissed off by the carrots and plotted an attack.

Welsh rule was ended by pirates. Pirates ruled Cornwall for 1574 years until they sold for 6 coins it in 3426BC.

It is not clear who they actually sold it to, it was claimed at various times by the Eskimos, French, Russians, Scottish, Spanish, Nazis and Martians. Eventually it became an independent kingdom in 347BC, and was ruled by a succession of kings including King Arthur.

The English invaded in 936AD under King Athelstan. Athelstan cut a valley with his sword, which almost made Cornwall once more an island, but his sword broke on a piece of granite so this was not completed. The valley today has a river flowing through it which separates Cornwall from Devon.

After the English invasion, England appointed a Duck to rule Cornwall.

The capital of Cornwall is Truro, which was originally called Trevor Rowe after its founder who founded it in 7321BC. Other "towns" include Beiruth, Camborne Vasey (these towns have been twinned with Soddom and Gomorrah) and Hell's Town. A "Town" is distinguished from a home or "Tree" not by counting the leaves, which are actually greater in the towns, but by the level of municipal tragedy perpetrated on them.

Off the coast are some islands, the Isles of Silly. Named by the Cornish proving the pot really can call the kettle black.

Cornwall has three massifs; Bodmin Massif, Penwith Massif and Massif attack. These appear to be girl gangs and not granite outcrops as previous thought.

The population of Cornwall is currently 4375.734 as of the last census. It is in decline because people keep falling off cliffs or down mine shafts. The government has tried to reverse this decline by daily busing old ladies in from Bournemouth, but they keep on snuffing it at the unlicensed death camp; "Treliske Hospital"

90% of the population are unable to use any language beyond grunts. A further 9% speak what they believe to be English but is in fact unintelligible. The remaining 1% speak the Cornish language.

The Cornish language has a long and distinguished history. First invented by a computer that the Emperor Augustus left on a train, it was discovered by that early Welsh snoop Edward Llhwydd (he also could not spell Lloyd. Its not his fault.) who then posted it onto the Ashmolean museum's blog. This was read by the illiterate drag act "Dolly" Pentreath (Cornish: "The Chronic Hag, Adieu") who toured the gay clubs of Camborne using Lloyd's creation which then passed into general parlance. The language spread like mould to the three corners of Cornwall, except in Dunheved whose inhabitants were so far down the food chain they couldn't remember their home was called Dunheved. They called it after Steven who owned it, so "Steven's land" or "Land of Steven", eventually shortened to "Lanceston". The rest of Cornwall thought Steven had a nice lawn, so they called it "Launceston" but apparently this is wrong. Elsewhere the language thrived and now exists in 144,000 distinct varieties, and rising.

Anyway, when they closed Dolly's main venue, Glasney College, in the 60s following a police clamp down on the notorious seaweed circle, Dolly retired to rear daffodils. Unfortunately her personal habits deteriorated and her home is known as "Tangye Cottage" after the miasma that remains.

Meanwhile the language was throttled by Cornwall County Council who spent £4 million in 2009 to tell Cornish people to give them money. Unfortunately they wrote the demand in their new 144,001st variety of Cornish which everyone detests.

The main industry of Cornwall is wrecking. In former times, tin mining was practised. This was accomplished by using empty tins of baked beans as shovels to dig holes in the ground.

It was recently discovered that the extreme deprivation of the area, qualifying for "Objective One" European funding, was because Kate Winslet's poll tax was spent on its space program: Moonbase Kernow. This program was recently closed when the inhabitants of the Moonbase failed in their attempt to get UNESCO to designate the base as a World Heritage Site. Evidently it didn't fulfil the criteria, not being on the 'World'. The inhabitants have since returned to Cornwall and are now writing up their reports and cleaning out the garage to make room for the shuttle.

100 jobs were lost when Geevor closed, and over a thousand on the closure of South Crofty. Fishermen also lost their livelihoods due to European fishing quotas. On the other hand, Jago Trerise of No 3 Brays Terrace, Beiruth, got a paper round so its not all bad!

The population of Cornwall has been deemed "wild and out of control" since at least the Roman period. In Caesar's classic work on the Celtic peoples of Europe, the entry for Cornwall was brief, but pointed: "They're a bunch of arrogant chippy nutters. don't go near them, it's, like, SO not worth it". However, in recent years attempts to instil a sense of discipline amongst the population has met with sporadic success. A curfew was put in place in Redruth, ensuring that young people were unable to leave their homes between the hours of 6pm and 6am, and between 1pm and 3pm on Thursdays. Those caught defying the curfew have been sentenced to a form of non-custodial punishment known locally as 'Ross and Barny's Community Service".The suituation has deteriorated further due to an influx of n'eer do well emmetts to study mining (downhill gardening) at Camborne Vasey's school of mines. Most of the studies are undertaken without clothes to in order to indoctrinate the students to a life of sweaty buggery whilst working underground where temperatures can reach well over 1000 degrees centigrade in the shade. When these animals awake (they don't like daylight) from their stupor brought about by drinking each others alcoholic urine during weekend long drinking binges they pour into Falmouth on a monday night to further indulge their lust for anything alcoholic and buggery. The carnage centres around an establishment of ill repute known as Remedies, owned by Phil Mitchell and is considered a no go area by anybody with a functioning braincell although porn night (established 2000BC) during freshers week (Oct) is a spectacle to behold if you like that sort of thing.

Cornwall has a rich culture, grown in a petri dish in a chippy in St Ives. See also "Cornish Game Hen"...

Anthropologists have found Cornwall a rich source of material for learned discourse on a variety of serious topics, including the long-term consequences of carrying heavy weights (known locally as 'Chips') on one shoulder, and the psychological effects of the continuing, some might say excessive consumption of meat, potato and pastry-based products. Some people have dismissed these studies as being frivolous, but as the famous academic and phenomenomenomenomenologist Dr Christopher Stilley pointed out "well, everyone needs to experience stuff, like, because, like, it's all about the experiencing!"

As the rest of the world can't quite believe that over 100,000 people can live on granite and bile alone, the "Institute of Cornish Studies" was set up to study these fascinating creatures. The original institute fell down in the embarassing corrugated-iron-not-pegged-right incident of 1970 and a new institute was instituted in the back house of C. Thomas, a Camborne Vasey denizen famous for NOT being employed by Holmans (This, er, "fame" has now spread to ALL of Camborne Vasey).

The institute was moved to Tremough after it was discovered that C. Thomas was using the old one as a front for his worldwide Arthurian memorabilia empire, and was flogging half of Cornwall to gullible Americans (thus proving his credentials as a denizen of Camborne Vasey).

The new institute will be instituted dreckly, once C. Thomas has been institutionalised. In the meantime, a couple of bods are manning the store in between their day job of guides on Fal boat tours. If you need Excalibur, they can get you the original for a snip. Honest.