Ask Veronica — Walk a mental mile in their shoes

John R. McCutchen / San Diego Union-Tribune

Veronica Mitchell

Veronica Mitchell (John R. McCutchen / San Diego Union-Tribune)

Veronica Mitchell

I was thinking about a client who lived to be close to 100, and how he would actually bite his tongue when he was not happy. He created a perfect little circle with this mouth and that’s how you knew he was doing it.

We talked about it, and he admitted he was biting his tongue in frustration because he did not like having a caregiver.

He knew he needed the caregivers. We would laugh and I told him that I do a similar thing but with my toes. I’d learned to rub my toes in my shoes because no one can really see my toes moving in my shoes, and it reminds me to keep my mouth shut or relax depending on the situation.

It got me thinking about how much caregiving requires empathy and patience from everybody involved the caregiver experience/exchange. Both parties are bringing their stuff — opinions, beliefs, idiosyncrasies — to the interaction. So depending on the situation, there is typically a lot going on in the background.

I grew up with parents always telling me I need to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes to ever begin to know their life experiences. Take a minute to have a little empathy and think about the receiver of the care. Are they at the end of life? Did they just lose a limb from an accident? Are they returning from a tour of duty and dealing with PTSD? Do they have a mental illness?

And for the recipients of care, can you understand how a caregiver may bring with them outside issues that are stressful for them? If your family is helping, you can you imagine how distressing it might be for them to see that someone they love now requires a caregiver?

Sometimes, when we think about the other person’s walk in life before we respond, the relationship improves. It allows our hard edges to soften.

Most of the time there is room for compromise. As we practice acceptance and honestly try to see the situation from their point of view, we can find middle ground to create a better care plan and make it easier for everyone.

Candid communication is essential to make sure things go as smoothly as possible. Listen, we are caregiving, so it rarely goes “as planned.” We just learn to adjust as we go along.

So in moments of stress, take a second to think about the other person — walk that mental mile — before you speak or react; ask to leave the room or go the bathroom and breathe. Or if that is not possible, do what I do.

Rub your toes in your shoes to remind yourself to just relax. It will all work out.