A blog written in the dead of night and delivered to you in a brown paper bag. It’s a cornucopia of tidbits, rants, and observations for the discerning eye. Good luck with all that. Now, for something completely different!

Ah the old ghost comes back to haunt. The Queen of whatever it is she does, Martha Stewart, has seen the old ghost of her past rise before her eyes once again. The woman who had no life and made a carreer out of it is visiting Poland where they are launching a version of her “Martha Stewart Living” magazine in Polish. She thought she’d stop by the British Isles on her way home. Wrong, fail, not going to happen. Apparently, the British powers that be don’t appreciate her prison record and have denied her a visa to enter the country. I guess she won’t be showing the queen how to make paper flowers this time around. “Martha loves England; the country and English culture are near and dear to her heart,” said Charles Koppelman, chairman of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. “She has engagements with English companies and business leaders and hopes this can be resolved so that she will be able to visit soon.” I guess they will just have to come to her back in the good old U.S. of A. A British spokeswoman, however, refused to comment about Stewart’s entry to Britain, but added: “We continue to oppose the entry to the U.K. of individuals where we believe their presence in the United Kingdom is not conducive to the public good or where they have been found guilty of serious criminal offenses abroad.” Ouch. That’s going to leave a mark. Now for those of you that have been living under the proverbial rock here’s a recap. In 2004, Stewart was convicted in federal court of conspiracy, obstruction of justice and making false statements related to a personal sale of ImClone Systems Inc. stock. She got a five-month prison sentence, and also served an additional five months and three weeks of home confinement. Well, Martha, I guess it sucks for you. Welcome back to the real world where we all live with our mistakes. No crumpets for you.

HELICOPTER PURSUES UFO

In England a police helicopter spotted a flying saucer and decided to give chase. If UFOs can outrun a jet, did the police really think they had a chance in a chopper? The mystery aircraft zoomed straight at the chopper as the three-man cop crew prepared to land. Tag, you’re it. The pilot was forced to bank sharply to avoid being hit by the mystery aircraft as the helicopter was returning to the Ministry of Defence base of St Athan, near Cardiff. Maybe it was another of those infamous secret experimental military aircraft. The three crew described the UFO as ‘flying saucer-shaped’. They gave chase, getting as far as the North Devon coast before they ran low on fuel. “They are convinced it was a UFO. It sounds far-fetched, but they know what they saw.” Said an unnamed source. Why do these people always refuse to give their name? I don’t know how far-fetched it sounds these days. These things are appearing almost daily. I wish one would land and say “Hi,” but then sombody would probably shoot at it.

WOODEN ELECTRIC CAR UNVEILED

What would Henry Ford think if he saw this? A driver takes a prototype wooden electric car for a spin after it was unveiled in Kyoto, Japan. The buggy, which has bamboo-weave doors, has a range of six miles and can hit 30mph. It kind of reminds me of a golf cart. It would be great for putting around town.

WEIRDO HIDES IN COUCH

It is amazing to what extent some people will go through to be weird. Police say a New York man cut a hole in a woman’s couch and hid in the carved-out space until she came home. Newburgh police said the woman sat on the couch Wednesday evening and felt a bump in the cushions move. That would be really creepy. She jumped up and David Joe Limones emerged from his hiding place, knocking a cell phone out of her hand. Surprise. A jack-in-box in the couch. The woman was on the phone with a friend when she entered her apartment because she had filed an earlier complaint against Limones and was worried he might be there. She was obviously much smarter than he was. Police said she had asked the friend to stay on the line and call police if something went wrong. When officers arrived, they found Limones and the 22-year-old woman arguing on the apartment’s balcony. Hopefully they can put this cat away, but somehow I suspect this will only be temporary fix for this guy.

SEGA ROBOT GIRLFRIEND

Feeling lonely, can’t get a girl, tired of coming home to the hamster. Well Sega has come up with an idea to help you out. It’s a pixie-size robotic girlfriend with a big chest who will kiss on command. Android love baby. The petite lady, known as “EMA” (an acronym for Eternal Maiden Actualization), runs on batteries and will hit stores in September with a price of about $175. It’s a lot cheaper than a real girlfriend. “Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that’s sweet and interactive,” Sega spokesperson Minako Sakanoue said. “She’s very lovable and though she’s not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend.” Well let’s not carry it too far. She’s only 15 inches high. It’s more like a pucker up Barbie, except she looks like the Joan Rivers android in Spaceballs. When EMA’s sensors detect a nearby human head, she puckers up for a kiss, designers call this her “love mode.” How wonderfully…weird. Well, if nothing else, she suppossedly does a song and dance too. Really, I’m not kidding. EMA should be available by Christmas, batteries not included.

I’m so angry right now it’s hard to even write this. What is wrong with people. During a guest analysis spot on Fox News, Washington Times correspondent Liz Trotta said she wished Barack Obama dead. If you haven’t seen this, a video clip is below. This happened during an analysis of Hillary Clinton’s RFK faux paus the other day. I’m not an Obama supporter and this makes me angry. How can anyone WANT to see violence done on anyone, let alone a candidate. If you don’t like them you don’t vote for them. If the vote doesn’t go your way, that’s the way the game is played. You don’t wish them dead, or worse yet take matters into your own hands. Fox news, not fair and balanced, insane and weird. I worked as a journalist for nearly 30 years and I had an opinion about a lot of things but I always took care to keep it OUT of my reporting. This is incredibly irresponsible and inflamatory. Liz Trotta, has of course lamely apologized on Fox calling it “an attempt at humor,” but the damage is still there. She said it and it’s out there. People listen to this network. For the life of me I don’t know why. I’m even doubly puzzled now. Fox has a responsibility and so does Trotta. You’re suppossed to report the news, not call for the death of one of the democratic candidates. She criticizes Hillary Clinton up and down, then says something like this and then tries to pass it off as humor in an apology. You’re a sick hippocrite, you should get professional help. You should be banned from the media, for life! The other thing that I find appalling is that U.S. media is NOT reporting this story. I actually found this story in British media who referred me to YouTube. The American media jumps all over Clinton for what may actually have been an honest error, but they ignore something from one of the foremost watched news networks. Fair and Balanced?

POLICE MAKE STORE OWNER GIVE BACK SHOES OF SHOPLIFTERS

A liquor store owner in Durango, Colorado is tired of repeat offenders coming into his store and shoplifting. When he catches a shoplifter he makes them give him a shoe so they will be embarrassed and not come back. I think it is a very creative solution to an ongoing problem. The Durango police disagree. They have told him to knock it off or they are going to prosecute him for felony robbery. Now the shoe is on the other foot so to speak. Shoplifting is a misdemeanor which means that the store owner would be prosecuted harder than the thieves for protecting his store. That’s pretty backward. The owner, Gabe Fidanque, was ordered to return the shoes to their owners, if he can find them. Police Captain Micki Browning says the store owner should “find a different option that doesn’t involve giving up property.” Findanque found that the thieves would return within hours of turning them over to police. “That’s the whole point of it. They’re too humiliated to come back and ask for their shoe, and that also means they won’t steal again,” Fidanque said. Let’s see the owner has found a non-violent solution to his problem that works and the police want to prosecute him for it. What is wrong with this picture?

MAN IN MORGUE FREEZER WITH DEAD GIRLFRIEND

A man in Taiwan has crawled inside a morgue freezer to try and commit suicide. Grieving over his girlfriend, he crawled into the compartment to be with her. He was found a half-hour later when workers noticed that the temperature in the freezer had gotten unusually high from an unlatched compartment. The girl had died from an overdose of sleeping pills. It appears that both of these folks were unstable. I feel bad for the morgue worker that had to deal with this.

WOMAN MARRIES BERLIN WALL

I wonder if this woman just couldn’t get a date. Eija-Ritta Berliner-Mauer, a 54-year-old woman from Liden, Sweden claims to have married the Berlin Wall back in 1979 and changed her surname to German for Berlin Wall. I wonder what priest performed this ceremony. She says she finds objects more appealing than people and that she is convinced that she is not the only one that gets pleasure from the relationship. Yep, keep telling yourself that. How do you get concrete turned on. What if it calls you another wall’s name. “Harder harder, oh Great Wall of China you’re so good.” OK, I’m baffled with this. “I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy,” she says. OK, hot for concrete. That’s….different. So what’s this called cementaphilia? Since her “lover” was torn down after the cold war she keeps a model of the wall in her home. I guess at least you don’t have to listen to it complain. I hope she’s good at one sided conversations.

MICHAEL JACKSON LIKES ULTIMATE FIGHTING

Ok, I put this in because this is so stupid. Michael’s always so good for that. Saturday night he went to the UFC Tito Ortiz fight trying to be not noticed. He didn’t succeed. For one thing he arrived in a wheel chair and had his face covered in a shroud. Check out the photo below. I think looking like this would only attract attention. I know I’d be wondering who’s the yo-yo dressed like a dope. Arriving in the wheelchair isn’t real incognito either. Does that mean he got the handicapped parking? It seems to me he attracts more attention when he’s trying not to attract attention. The dude has issues. Is he a dude? I thought UFC is for people that actually have testosterone.

I'm an Author, Journalist, Columnist, Photographer, Editor and Publisher and have been writing for about 30 years. For several years I published my own magazine about Michigan's Upper Peninsula. I live in Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan. Currently I've been blogging around the internet - MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT MY OTHER HUMOR BLOG "What Were They Thinking?" AT: http://mikelclassen.wordpress.comTo learn more about the writer behind the blog, go his website at www.mikelclassen.com Sign the guestbook while you're there.