Spoof news stories from Wednesday 11 January 2012

For ten years now Flowing Tempest have toured the world and everywhere else. We at Back and to the Left music news caught up with the lead singer Alex Hall.
So Alex long time no see in England what you been up to?
Shit have we started?
Yes, so how's things been going?
When did we start? You haven't recorded me shouting at the Polish guy have you?
No
Good because it would put me...

Several celebrity friends of shamed TV chef Anthony Worrall Thompson have been fighting his corner. They told a packed press-conference that - "sneaking a few extra items out of the self checkout at a supermarket Isn't really theft" and "that we all...

Portsmouth - A ouija board reading at the Admiralty tonight voiced fears about the Brits' new kick-ass boat HMS Daring being seized by Somali pirates on Friday the 13th.
The Type 45 destroyer left Portsmouth this morning bound for the turbulent, o...

The London Riots were postponed last night on police advice after a game of football broke out at White Hot Lane between two teams of eleven footballers.
The final day of riots had been pencilled in for early January after the scheduled date in Au...

London - Espionage has never been so attractive since the author of the famous KGB dodgy dossier The Mitrokhin Archive: The KGB in Europe and the West 'fooled' the West with his definitive directory of Russian spooks.
Colonel Vasili Nikitich Mitro...

Crossroads, South Carolina -- Despite their endless bickering, the Republican presidential candidates all agree that they would like to take the nation back to a more gentler and prosperous era. But they have very different views on what point in Am...

Long thought to be a simple tool for basic communication between friends, scientists now say that the exponential growth of social network websites can be attributed to one thing only; Sex.
Co-authors of the report, Dr. Ivanna Vebusch and Dr. N.

SOUTH CAROLINA - Responding to the increasingly vicious campaign ads depicting Mitt Romney as a raving, no-conscience capitalist who bought and sold businesses with absolutely no regard for the employees who Romney described as, "lying union thugs wh...

AS the debate on the Scottish referendum kicks off in earnest, SNP leader Alec "Fishy" Salmond has issued a stark warning to the Westminster government: "I'll batter those stuck up Tory English c***s!"
In a speech to party faithful at the 300-Year...

Heaven-- Two of the most recognisable icons of the religious world have gone through a complete make-over since the New Year began. Buddha's been on a strict weight-loss diet, and Jesus Christ has been working-out to put some muscles on his scrawny...

There was dancing in the streets of Mayfair last night, when The Chancellor, George Osborne refuted claims that living standards within the UK were falling.
Speaking during an off-the-record interview, he is reported to have said:
"I honestly c...

A "homophobic" soccer player has been sacked from his club because he called a homosexual rugby player gay on twitter.
This means that everybody on twitter, soccer player or "normal" people, cannot talk about or have an opinion on the following subjects. (If they do mention these subjects they are what is written in brackets):
A) Taboo theme Nr 1; anybody who's a different colour than onese...

Thieves in Salford, near Manchester, have been targeting cars for the past few weeks, with police seeing a spike in automotive thefts. The thieves seem to be very particular about which cars they target.
"They've being taking only Ford RS Turbos,"...

Cornwall - Notorious satanic members of the UK's premier demonic closed shop are being investigated about the wanton mutilation of a Freisian two year-old called Erik.
The stallion was found in dead in a Stithians field in what police suspect may...

When it comes to meaningless headlines and insubstantial non-news stories, the British tabloid press are unsurpassed, as The DM proved today by asking the question referred to in the headline of this article.
Indeed, the Mail came out on top of to...

The world of showbusiness was rocked to its very foundations today with the news that the Ed and Dave MiliBand have split up.
Having sold millions of jobs down the road and been responsible for giant billion-selling hits such as "Wonder Edballs",...

Falling victim to hard economic times, the snack cake maker will be cutting back some of its more costly ingredients in the classic Twinkie like the creamy filling, replacing it with rolled up paper IOUs, according to a company spokesman.
Struggli...

A local inventor is set to make a fortune by selling his latest device to US space agency, NASA.
Sid Shelf believes his invention is just what NASA needs to clean up the mess that has been created in near-Earth orbit by the various space programme...

David Cameron has been outlining what will make the London 2012 Olympics the best that has ever been.
"The London Olympics are a true British enterprise," said Cameron. "We bid for them several years ago with the intention of stimulating the econo...

NEW YORK, NY - The cola wars have gotten ugly lately. Cola companies are competing to create the best flesh dissolving formulations. It all started with the mouse. The UN, as in United Nations, is taking notice, according to our source.
A qui...

Your tour guide will walk you through the route from Hyson Green, to the Nottingham Arboretum - describing along the way, the current multi-culturally rich lifestyle as opposed to the history of Nottingham in the same area.
Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham
The Arboretum
A place where an extensive variety of woody plants are cultivated for scientific, educational, and ornamental purpos...

The Nottingham Chamber of Commerce revealed today that outlets and traders in Nottingham have suffered a dramatic overall downfall in the number of customers through their doors in 2011.
Some businesses did increase their turnover, but only 10% re...

NEW YORK CITY - Brad Pitt and his partner Angelina Jolie recently arrived in the Big Apple where they attended the 77th New York Film Critics Circle Award Gala.
Pitt won the award for best actor for his portrayal of Billy Beane in the baseball mov...

Lexicologists today gathered at the Great Hall Of Lexicology near London's Golden Square, to debate the veracity of the word 'clunge' amid recent claims that 'clunge' is the most obscene description of female genitalia ever coined in the English lang...

CHICAGO - Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel jumped to the defense of Bill Daley, who had announced this week his resignation as President Obama's chief of staff after having served in that role for just over a year.
Emanuel, who had himself served as Pre...