Recaps

We are only on episode two of this season’s Little Women: Atlanta but the drama is already on level ten. Last season’s story line was whether or not Minnie Ross was in a relationship with unknown rapper, Pastor Troy, which she finally admitted to lying about by the end of the season. This season looks pretty similar, but the lie in question is if Minnie was ever actually pregnant with his baby.

Picking right back up at the Baby Shower of Shade, with Minnie stumbling her way through some pretty weak explanations about how she had a miscarriage, this all feels like really familiar territory for the women. When the questions get too tough, Minnie gets mad and storms out in a huff, dumping a plate of cookies on her way out. Amanda Salinas is the only one who runs out after Minnie and tries to comfort her while she cries outside. The other women clean up inside, grumbling the whole way.

Last night we witnessed the many pregnancies of Little Women: LA progressing, with some hullabaloo along the way concerning head injuries past and domestic sketchiness present. And Terra Jole is loving every messy minute of it!

After the ladies were informed of Briana Renee’s health scare last week, they are left to question what the real truth is about her “pre-term labor” claims. And whether Matt Ericson (Grundhoffer) is basically holding her hostage in a hospital bed somewhere in a dark basement, allowing her to Face Time friends and communicate a Morse Code “H-E-L-P” signal through subtle eyebrow movement. Or maybe he’s just a misunderstood guy who’s trying to take care of his wife out of the public spotlight? Nah. Basement kidnapping it is!

This week’s Famously Single is all about that low-hanging fruit. This group of Singletons isn’t just dysfunctional, but super lazy when it comes to dating. Instead of learning any useful tools on this mess of a reality show, the cast members would rather just try and hook up with whoever is still ripe for the pickin’ in the house. I don’t know how many days they have actually all been stuck together, but I suppose finding someone in the house left to hook up with is like shooting fish in a barrel. Ready, aim, fire!

Brandi Glanville and Calum Best are still dramatically working through another pointless argument about jealousies over their pseudo-relationship. In case you missed it (or in case your brain exploded from all the nonsense) last week, Brandi is upset that Calum said he would go out on a date with someone from the blind mixer, then backtracked and said he would go out with Brandi instead. She doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice, especially not someone as lame as Calum. OK, I added that last part but you get the idea.

You know, this charter from hell may have lasted mere days for the crew of Below Deck Mediterranean, but it has lasted nearly A MONTH for viewers. We deserve a night off! As the upright apes and their female companions prepare to depart the Ionian Princess, everyone has been driven to the brink of insanity. Well, everyone except Danny Zureikat, who prefers to drive the insanity bus rather than get hit by it!

So everyone is stranded at Kelly Dodd‘s house – which consists of 4 stories of bars and Bansky-esque decor, and is littered with bizarrely behaving bitches in the form of Real Housewives. It was like Alice In Wonderland meets the color white. Off with your head, but first: a spot of vodka for your very unfriendly chat.

Last night the Christmas spirt came to Real Housewives Of New Jersey, and also a New Year brought a new attitude, and Teresa Giudice was giving out her forgiveness wrapped in tissue-filled boxes and tied with a prison-issued bow. Too bad that forgiveness felt as natural as an ingrown toenail.

Of course, in the land that Teresa built on fraud and false promises, it is not Jesus’ birthday we’re celebrating, but the day she came back to life by being released from prison. Jacqueline Laurita, who sooooo does not care about Teresa AT ALL, is watching the news coverage with tears in her eyes. Jacqueline apparently needed Dolores Catania and a bouquet of flowers to deal with these emotions. Jacqueline’s tears turned sour at the paparazzi snaps of Teresa being rewarded for surviving prison with a BRAND NEW LEXUS (said in Bob Barker’s voice)! Is there a bumper sticker that says, “Mommy went to prison and all we got was this luxury SUV.”

Tonight, Shahs of Sunset finally gave us all a much needed break from all the arguing and drunken booze-festing that our Shahs are known for. Instead of talking about illness and who is being a loyal friend, there was a lot of talk about personal growth and shoes. How do those things tie together? They don’t but never mind that, let’s pretend they do.

Reza Farahan goes to lunch with his mom. She’s thrilled about his recent marriage to Adam Neely. Despite her conservative upbringing, all she cares about is Reza being happy and besides, she loves Adam too. Reza wants her to come to Oklahoma to meet Adam’s family and she politely declines, saying she has been there once. I guess that was enough. Reza gets emotional just talking about how much he loves his mom and this is a really nice change of pace for Reza – he should do more bonding with his mother and less being a terrible friend to pretty much everyone.

Well, someone found her voice this week on The Real Housewives of New York – even if it was only in her blog! Jules Wainstein unleashed her opinions about Bethenny Frankel and Carole Radziwill in no uncertain terms. Jules’ writing is so sharp in fact, Carole even took to twitter to disparage Jules further and defend herself, re-tweeting one viewer’s pointed question, “I think Jules used a ghostwriter to write this weeks blog. What do u think?” Hmm. You be the judge!

Jules begins by wondering, “‘Why is there always yelling and screaming? Why is someone always storming out of the room in tears? Why is someone always being mocked, insulted, judged or left out? WHAT PLANET ARE WE ON?!’ And then it hit me like a meteor: We are on planet Bethenny. Unlike on planet Earth where friendships are formed and shaped through mutual support and encouragement, on planet Bethenny (which is circled 24/7 by a moon named Carole) it is acceptable for friends to disparage one another behind their backs, to judge, berate and abandon one another on an almost constant basis.” Uh-oh. Shots fired! SHOTS FIRED!