Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Gettin' Bagged

Last night I attended a mock-the-movie night, which features bad movies that take themselves quite seriously.* Since the last flick we screened was "Glitter", a cringeworthy little number, I was looking forward to the event. I was not disappointed.

We watched "The Legend of Bagger Vance", which starred Matt Damon and Will Smith. Evidently Ernie and Bert were otherwise engaged, so the producers settled on wooden actors made of flesh instead of wooden actors made of cloth. If you ask me, they should have saved their money and waited for the muppets. Anyway, this movie is about golf, and as such it is very long, very boring, and very pointless. Matt Damon plays a golf pro, mentally scarred by his experiences in World War I, who must come out of retirement to win a tournament for his hometown Savannah. During the combat scenes I found myself wishing the Germans had invented the atomic bomb about thirty years early, if only to wipe Damon off the screen. During the tournament scenes, I found myself amazed that the director had captured on film the exact tedium that is golf. However, just in case you need some insult with the mental injury that is "Bagger Vance", at the film's end, nobody wins the tournament. It's a three-way tie.**

Also, does anyone besides me think that Matt Damon really isn't very good-looking? He's got that all-American boy look, I grant you, and he's primped and polished for the screen, but when you get right down to it he ranks on the high end of average. If I'm going to suffer his acting, I at least want something pretty to look at, and Damon's looks just aren't worth it.

Still, the mocking was quite amusing, and so were the brownies, so I call the evening a success.

*Don't feel threatened, Movie Night folks...you are without rival.**I suppose this is a spoiler, if anything could be said to spoil that piece of vomitous crap.

Cyn, I felt your absence from Movie Night when I showed "Bandits", a film that features hot, singing German chicks on the run from the law. They never make out with each other, but they DO pass a cute blond boy between them.