The government has proposed that everyone in the UK be given a weekly productivity target in an effort to keep the nation internationally competitive. "We're pretty worried about the Chinese for starters," said a government spokesman. "We know for a fact they're working harder than us. So it's time to up our game, and there's nothing like weekly targets to motivate people."

He went on to explain that those who met their targets would earn not money ("We don't have any," he explained when asked) but points that would enable people to leap forward in NHS waiting lists for operations, transplants and other major medical procedures. "It's the fairest system we could come up with," explained the spokesman. "And it will serve an evolutionary purpose in the long run. That is, those who are more productive will live longer. This will be good for our economy in the short term and our race in the long term."

No one could be found to give a quote in opposition to the policy due to its inherent reasonableness.