Bits and pieces of my life and of my heart.

The Big C.

I didn’t want to start watching it. I knew it was about a woman who was dying of cancer. I wasn’t dying of mine but there were days when it felt as if I was and I couldn’t for the life of me fathom how watching it would make me feel any better.We have been on a journey, Cathy and I.I know. It’s a TV show but if you watched it and if you have been touched by cancer in anyway then I reckon you have been on that same journey.Poignant even more for me because she had a son. A son that every time I watched him come to terms with his mother’s death I couldn’t help think of my own son and how he will come to terms with it all when it is my turn. Not from cancer hopefully, but it is as we all know inevitable.Death.The untouchable subject. The one thing nobody really wishes to talk about and this show did it so brilliantly.I have had so many “AHA” moments over the last couple of years watching Cathy question all that her life was and all that she hoped it would be right to the very end.Weeks ago she quit her job. Just like that. She picked up her books and walked out of her classroom as she realised that her whole life she never really wanted to be a teacher, that it was her parents doing. Teaching was never her hearts desire. As I watched the final episode today, I don’t think she got to discover what it was.This has stayed with me for weeks.I keep asking myself what it is that makes me happy.What makes me happy? What makes me happy?What makes me happy?My son. He makes me happy.My relationship. That makes me happy.My cancer free body. This makes me happy.But does my job, my career, what I have chosen to do for money. Does that make me happy?It does not.It hasn’t done for some time now. I wonder is it where I am doing my job. Is that the problem?I feel inadequate and my heart is not in it. Yet what are the options?It was a TV show. That I get. It’s easy to quit your job on TV. Yet here right now for me in real life quitting my job would be an insane thing to do. Maybe a thing a dying person would do, but for me, for my son, without it life would be unsustainable.God, I hate that. I hate that my life for the most part depends on whether or not I have a job. And even more so on the fact that I feel deep in my soul that this one is not the one for me.What it is I have no idea.I am sitting here right now trying to figure out what is the one thing that really makes me happy and I am coming up short.What is my hearts desire when it comes to the rest of my career and how on earth do I figure it out?I am going to miss The Big C. I am going to miss watching Cathy figuring out what it was that truly made her happy as a part of me felt that while she was doing that maybe I didn’t have to.How do you know what it is you really are meant to be doing?Any thoughts or experiences would be very, very welcome.

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I don't know what I would do if I didn't write. It keeps me sane. Centered. Happy. I write about my life, my heart and what I think about most things. I used to have cancer and now I don't. I am so thankful to still be here putting my thoughts into words.
Feel free to let me know how you feel about what I write.
I love more than anything other people's opinons and thoughts.

2 thoughts on “The Big C.”

Doing something "work like" that you enjoy is a good start. I'll never give up my day job to be a paid radio DJ – but doing it part-time on a volunteer basis is a good start. What productive / creative hobbies do you have?