Boccard; Sage advice to bring a smile

Vic Boccard, Enterprise columnist

Posted:
09/13/2012 12:00:00 AM MDT

One of the highlights of the pro football season is my son comes over to watch the Broncos with me. This happened Sunday night. It was also one of the few times he participated in the writing of my column.

Here's what happened. Craig asked me what the subject of this week's column was going to be. I told him I hoped to pass on some sage advice to my valued readers.

"How noble of you," he replied. "Would you consider including some of mine?"

"Sure", I answered.

What you are now getting are suggestions from two Boccards instead of one, which is a scary thought if I ever heard one:

Never buy canned telephone spots. The voice on the other line invariably ends up well into his spiel before you pick up the phone negating any positive results.

Never play cards for money with any stranger named "Doc."

Never take seriously any political advice from a college professor. Too many were unpopular nerds growing up who now hate America.

If you are a woman, never slap a man who chews tobacco.

Never trust a bartender with a wet mustache, particularly if you own a bar.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

If you're hard of hearing and your barber is enlightening you on all aspects of sports, don't tell him you can't hear, just nod and smile. Otherwise, you'll spoil his day.

If you know any high officials in Hawaii, advise them it's ridiculous to put interstate in front of their main highway sign in Oahu.

Don't buy stock in a tapioca mine.

Realize the only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Finally, we borrowed and are passing on sage advice from Dick Barry, who contributed the following:

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter is not a nice person.

Craig and I both feel better knowing we have contributed to the well-being of our fellow citizens.

Vic Boccard has been writing a column in the Broomfield paper for than 50 years. E-mail in care of editor Julie Baxter at baxterj@broomfieldenterprise.com

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