When you have an abortion, you feel the loss of control. You lost control over what happened to your body when the life was suckedtaken from you. You didn’t realize what was going to happen, how you were going to feel.

They didn’t tell you what might happen with your emotions. Their only words were: it’s only tissue, its a simple procedure, you will be fine, your life will be back to normal.

A steady cadence of lies.

Only now there is a new normal. A post abortive normal that they never told you. They didn’t tell you that one day you would be overcome by your grief. That if you let it, it would swallow you up. They didn’t tell you that anger would seep into the most unlikely places and you would end up hating yourself for what you did. Not an easy dislike, but a deep, dark, hatred that infiltrated and poisoned my soul.

I have facilitated this study multiple times and I’m still amazed by what I learn. This time around, I still see this loss of control and how that affected me. I look at my life and see how I try to control every part of what happens in my bubble. From big to little things. I know part of it IS my personality, but a huge part of it is this loss of control I experienced with my abortion and the abuse I suffered.

I never wanted to feel that way again and so I promised myself that I would always be in control, I would never let anyone control me again. I allowed myself to be bullied into this decision to abort (yes I still take responsibility for my choice). But after that day, I vowed, I would be the one to decide my fate. It will be my choice.

I am no where near as bad as I once was, but I still need work. Healing comes in stages. It has been over ten years into my journey and I continue to learn things about myself from that one incident over 20 years ago.

Jeremiah 6:14 “They have healed the brokenness of my people superficially saying peace, peace but there is no peace.”

This verse is in our Surrendering the Secret bible study. I have facilitated this study about 7 times. I have read the same words over and over. Yet I was struck this time around by the truth of this verse.

After the abortion they put a bandaid on us and sent us back out.

We are not the same women that walked through the door looking for a solution. We are different. Hemorrhaging inside.

I just started reading a book written by Pat Layton called “A Surrendered Life“. This is a book about finding healing, freedom and hope from the heartbreak of abortion. She also wrote the bible study we use in our healing groups called “Surrendering the Secret”.

I have heard her speak. She has an amazing testimony. It will make you cry, laugh, and rejoice with her.

In her book she states that every one of us has been affected by abortion. Because 43% of all women have had at least 1 abortion, that equates to 1 out of 3 women. If I take just my abortion. It affects me, my sister, my parents, my grandparents, my aunts, uncles, my nieces, nephew, my friends. It ripples out from there. There is no where you can go to escape being affected by abortion.

Her book is another example of the importance of sharing our stories with each other. I think of all the women that have been helped because Pat Layton was willing to open herself up and many other men and women like her. It is this courage that urges me on. When I want to be silent, I think about others who have gone before me and instead of shrinking back into the shadows I stand firm.

Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 (NASB)

I was thinking the other day and it struck me. I don’t think I have written about women who have had multiple abortions.

From some of the groups I have led, there have been plenty of women that have had multiple abortions. I have seen the shame and heartache on their faces. I have heard the despair in their voices when they tell us that they were only going to admit to the one abortion and keep the 2nd or 3rd a secret. They tell me that they feel lower than a woman who has had only one abortion.

This is simply not true!

Luckily one of our leaders has had multiple abortions and also a lady on the video we watch shares her experience and that allows these women to open up and speak about it. It is part of them and their story and as equally important in their healing.

There is hope and forgiveness. It is the same for you as it was for me. I speak about my experience that happens to only include one abortion. It is a miracle that is all I had. I was by no means responsible and could have easily put myself in a situation where I would have to make that choice again.