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Amanda’s Super Easy Twitter Guide

Guys I’ve got a confession. I’m a really lame twitter person. I have 20 followers. (It’s probably more like 17 now because I’m just that lame*) Thats it. Im sure those 20 people who each follow 2,000 others really enjoy my clever quips but, Ashton Kutcher I am not. I’m really interested in stepping my twitter game up this year so I’ve been doing some research. I have discovered that there are basically 5 ways for twitterers (from here on out I will refer to them as twits) to become super popular and have 10 billion followers. I’ve put together a super easy to follow guide to become a super-twit.

1. The Average Twit
Their tweets read something like this:‘Sitting in the DMV #boring’‘Monday? So gross!’‘Getting a head cold #sick’
One might also refer to these twits as the ‘too much information/we really don’t care group. I do not want to be these people. No one gives these people stars. NO ONE. The followers of these people are mostly family members who feel obligated.

2. Shameless Mention Twits
It seems their hope is that through complimenting someone or something they will gain followers and/or respect from the mention:‘Just had some delicious grub at @McDonalds. Ya #McRib!’‘I love @AaronRodgers. He’s the best QB in the @NFL right, @JohnMadden?’‘Jammin to my new @BajaMen album. They really let the dogs out this time!’
How often this plan works out is questionable, but this group probably has karma on their side what with their constant compliments.

3. Groupie Twits
Their user names are generally things like teamedward13 and unicorns4eva and their bio page reads something like this: 15 years old. I ❤ my BFF. OMG I got retweeted by Justin Bieber 10-15-11 <3! These twits are easily recognizable because they only tweet things like this:‘I love you @TimTebow! Can I get a RT**?’‘Hey @JoeJonas. How about a RT for your biggest fan!’‘I saw you today at Opryland @JordinTootoo but was too scared to say anything to you! I was in a car. You were walking. RT?’ (Real life Amanda story. Not real life Amanda tweet)
These twits are primarily female and are pretty forward about what they want. You can’t fault them for that. Unfortunately they will become creepy stalkers and have many restraining orders before they are 25. And instead of gaining followers they will get blocked. A LOT.

4. Comedy TwitsThey tweet about their tragically boring lives but make it super hilarious. Things like:‘Trying to find steel wool to clean the sink. But where do they keep all the robot sheep that make it?’‘Iowa caucus? More like Iowa raucous!’
This is the hardest group to become a super-twit in. They don’t do @ mentions or ask for retweets. You just have to be REAL funny.

5. Spam Twit
They’re just obnoxious and like to ruin everything with fake advertisements like:“Got this new iPad. Click this super shady link to find out how!’
We hate them. No one follows them. EVER.

So that’s pretty much twitter in a nutshell. The goal is to @ mention as many famous people as possible and not be boring and hope people will follow you.

GOT IT? Start tweeting!

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go tell @BlakeGriffin how much I ❤ his curly hair and long arms.

*False. I have 18. Not quite as lame as I thought.
**For the twitter illiterate this is an acronym for retweet***
***Also for the twitter illiterate, retweet means the person will take your tweet and post it again. Thus RE-tweeting it.

I’m twitter-lame, too. Not only do I have maybe the same number of followers as you, but I actually don’t have much to say. The people who need to tweet about each time they go to the bathroom, etc, need to be shot. I am not that person.