Happy birthday dear I’m Pretty Even if You’ve Already Seen Me in this Outfit

Happy birthday to yyooouu!

Presents for everyone! Not really, I can’t afford that shit but today does mark my 100th post to this bad boy. Check me out! There are lots of exciting things happening for me too. I went through my 800 excel sheets and recalculated my “light at the end of the tunnel”, aka, my projected date to get out of debt and drum roll please, its April 2013! AFKDHaioyvhzjckvhdauewir. That’s my excitement expressed through the keyboard. Of course that’s if I never spend another dime. Which if I’m being realistic is probably more like May but either way it’s in 2013 which is a helluva lot better than originally planned, 2230. I’ve also snagged a couple more followers. Welcome, welcome! I don’t know if you’re real or computers but either way were glad to see you. I’ve got a bunch more news, I think. I can’t remember, that whole retention span of fish thing again. Ill keep you posted as I remember.

I’ll see you all Sunday, not hung-over, much, hopefully, -_-

D

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Where have I been?!? I don’t really know myself. I was in a funk one day that lead to a breakdown of sorts. That was awesome. My co-worker was on vaca this week so I was expected to pick up the slack, which was not cool. After exerting all my energy working, I had no brain magic left to produce words. I deleted my twitter because I realized I could be found on Google. I’ve been trying to figure out how people get the motivation to not want to sit on the couch all the time. I still haven’t found an answer because being lazy is fan-f@*#ing-tastic. I’ve also been mourning the loss of my garden. It’s been fun the last couple of days.

My garden is not a complete loss, yet. When we started this little project I advised the bf that I wasn’t sure how well anything living was going to take because the “soil” was 95% rocks and 5% dirt. Well to my surprise everything took really well, that 5% must have been packed full of nutrients. We were elated. High fives all around. Then we started noticing some children were disappearing in the night. It started with the tops of our pansies. Try to type that with a straight face. Maturity has never been my strong suit. One morning the bf went to water and discovered there had been a massive slaughtering in the night. I mean totally devastation. I should’ve taken pictures but I didn’t so imagine a flower. I bet you probably have a flower on there, maybe even some buds that are just about to bloom, and possibly even some leaves. Yay for nature! Yea well these murders have deprived us of all that beauty. We’ve been left with stems, horribly mutilated stems. Ive sent out a neighborhood watch but if you have any information to whereabouts of these monsters please let your local authorities know immediately.

Last seen wearing a cotton tail and hopping west.

NOT cool bunnies, not cool

D

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I don’t know what is going on. This will mark the second day in a row where I’ve spent hours typing out my thoughts only to have them deleted in the end. I used to be so confident in what I wrote. I could write about anything and didn’t care. I don’t know what is going on. I get half way through and think this is garbage. No one wants to read this shit. Then I get upset and I’m not even sure of what I’m typing anymore. Most of the time how I prepare an entry is to just type. I just write and write until one of two things happens. I look back and see my word count is over 40000 or I feel that I’ve hit all the marks I wanted to. Then I go back and edit, removing 75% of what I wrote to try and make it somewhat concise. Despite what you may sometimes think, I do try to get my words to flow smoothly, like an A to Z kind of concept. Well recently it’s been like A to 378. That doesn’t even make sense and that’s how my writing has been going! It’s awful. I think I’m putting too much thought behind what I’m trying to say and I’ve never been a good thinker. Well actually I’m plenty good at thinking. I think constantly. Being in my brain is like being in a fun house of mirrors. Your appearance is goofy to begin with but move ever so slightly and you go from looking like Shrek to a bite size version of yourself. It’s twisted and you should count your blessings that you’re not part of this circus that is my brain. So that’s where I’ve been and what I’ve been struggling with. I’m hoping now that I’ve acknowledged my issue that I’ll be able to pick up where I left off, trusting and believing in what I’m writing.

Cute puppy distraction!

Brain farts suck

D

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You guys I almost was like an adult last night. I went out, had some drinks, went home at a reasonable hour, and got up for work this morning. I was driving singing, and by singing I mean screaming on the top of my lungs, along to my music and thought, “so this is what it must feel like to be a functioning member of society”. Hot damn, a girl could get used to this. The real test is going to be next Sunday. As a gift the bf got me tickets to what is going to be the BEST concert ever! It falls on a Saturday, I requested off, no big deal. Sunday is the problem. I’ve been giving myself pep talks since last week telling myself I HAVE to behave. I feel like its St Patrick’s Day all over again. Ugh. I’m really hoping I surprise myself but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. There’s exceptions to every rule right? RIGHT?!?

I also have very exciting news that only really matters to me but I’ll share it anyways. One of my favorite all time, in the history of my life, bloggers has been on tour. She’s touring because she just released her book, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)”. She finally added Chicago to the last leg of her tour. I was beyond excited but my anticipation quickly turned to gloom because the day she is in Chicago is next Sunday. Fail. -_- But yesterday I was surfing the WWW when BAM, the best news in the world! Because Chicago loves her so much and her first reading sold out and she added a second date, on Saturday! If I’ve lost any of you, which is safe to assume, that falls on the day I already have off! The blogger I’m referencing is none other than THE BLOGGESS. If you’ve never read her blog please do so I promise you will not regret it. She was one of the main inspirations for starting my blog and I can’t believe I get to meet the face behind the site.

Yes I know I started a sentence with but and because,and I don’t care. Outstanding writing award goes to MEEEEE

D

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it’s off to work I go. This is a little later than I’d hoped. I can only hope you guys weren’t postponing your Saturday activities in anticipation of this post. I’ve got jokes. Well here I am and here you are and I’ve got nothing. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with my new job. It’s probably a little too soon to be speaking so seriously but I have to believe fate played a role here. I feel this strongly and I haven’t even seen a pay check. That’s how you know it’s love. There are floor to ceiling windows I get to creep, I mean people watch, all day. The office is located in a busy little community so it is constantly pulsing with activity. There are little shops on every corner. I’ve got my phone playing my music and they serve Starbucks coffee as the office coffee. That’s outrageous! I’m not mad about it. They just need to get a little barista back there to brew up my magic elixir and I’d probably propose. That’s all for now, I have to go feed the ponies, and let the puppies out. Just kidding but there is a unicorn.

Meet Bob. I’m teaching him to make my coffee.

D

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I realized this morning that in my blinding rage yesterday I forgot to inform y’all of my June goals. Anger is a dangerous, dangerous thing. You’ll be happy to hear there were only a few more victims after my morning massacre.

I, for one, cannot believe it’s already June. We are six months into 2012 already, craziness.

June Goals

$1500 – Is there an echo in here? I’m going to attempt this one again. Especially since I now have a second yob there is no excuse not to meet this goal.

Cleanliness is Healthiness – My life is clutter. My room constantly looks like a tornado has hit and my car has enough trash to fill a land fill, not exaggerating. My goal this month will be to clean and maintain my car and room. I can already hear my mom chuckling.

Edumacation – Holy shit guys! I go back to school this month! I really cannot believe it but I’m still excited, so I’ll take that as a good sign. In the past I’ve always kind of negotiated, um, every aspect of school. SCHOOL IS NOT UP FOR NEGOTIATIONS! This goal will take more than one month but I have to start right if I want it to end right. My goal is to get A’s. Yikes

New Picture – I have a frame on my desk that has a picture of the boy and me with a happy holidays frame. -_- Needless to say, it’s time for a new picture.

And you thought I was kidding when I said I was going to rig this month. 😉 Normally I would be wishing you a good weekend but I’ll be here tomorrow. So come on by and check me out!

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If you hate to read about people complaining just stop reading here, I promise you’re not missing anything.

You’ve been punched!

News flash, I’m not a saint, or a nun, or the pope. Seeing that I’m far from angelic nor heaven sent I’m allowed to have days like today where I’ve wanted to punch every single thing I’ve come in contact with. I’m also allowed to post it on the WWW because I have no aspirations to ever run for any kind of political office so blackmail away f#$%ers.

It started with my alarm clock. Along with my many other issues, I am not a morning person. We all hate alarm clocks. It’s that constant reminder that someone, somewhere, is expecting you to be on time, at a time, that’s not at all convenient for you. So naturally I wanted to punch my alarm when it decided to remind me I needed to go to work today.

My morning routine usually consists of me rolling out of bed and jumping in a car. I’m still half asleep when I’m walking out the door. Today I was heading to the door when I noticed how cute my doggies were looking staring out the window with their tails wagging. I decided they looked so cute they deserved a nice morning greeting. Well a leaf must’ve blown by or something because all hell broke loose. BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! They scared the living shit out of me and proceeded to look back at me like aren’t you proud? Assholes, you’ve been punched. Not really though, I love my doggies.

Has anyone else ever noticed that when you need to be somewhere with some sense of urgency that the rest of the world decides it wants to f@#^ with you? Well that was me this morning. I was advised that I shouldn’t take my usual route to work because the traffic was bad. Seeing as I was already running late because I punched my phone to get a few more minutes of sleep I didn’t need any more hold ups. Let me see if I can describe this scenario to you without making this post into the novel it’s already turning out to be. Imagine you are waiting at a light in the turning lane. There is a car in front of you. You are far enough into the intersection that you’d be in the middle should you not make the light. Although there’s no reason you shouldnt make this light. The light turns yellow. It’s important to the story to mention there isn’t an oncoming car for at least 5 miles so it should be easy breezy to proceed through the light. No, this clown decides he is going to take up all 30 seconds of the yellow light and 15 seconds into the red light to try to figure out how to turn his wheel. Yea, punched.

Since I couldn’t take my usual route I couldn’t go to my usual DD, Dunkin Donuts. Good thing for me I know where an alternative DD is. I tell myself, “no big deal, I’ll just go to this other one.” Seems like the rest of the human population had the same idea. The drive thru line was huge and considering I’m already running late and spent an extra 10 minutes trying to get out of a turning lane, I couldn’t have any more delays. DD you’ve been punched.

I usually cannot brain until I’ve had a cup of coffee and even after that it’s a struggle. I haven’t been to Starbucks since I calculated they were robbing me of all my money but desperate times call for desperate measures. I stroll in and I swear the menu is in not in english. “Why is everything in pig latin? I just want to regurgitate what I read.” No such luck today. In the meantime the barista’s were having a chipper morning because they won’t stop chatting among themselves to help me. “Can I have a tall grande venti mocha iced vanilla caramel non-fat hold the coffee add creamer sofa latte”, eventually stumbles out of my mouth. Starbucks deserves to get punched because I have no idea what I’m drinking right now.

True story, my mom asked me a question this morning and I must’ve been extra charming because as I was typing this post she emailed me this. What can I say, I’m very subtle in my ways.

Theyre not really punches either, more of love taps, that rock the shit out of your face.

Sorry I’ve been MIA. If you hadn’t noticed, then its fine, I haven’t been MIA. I just haven’t been as bloggly active as I like to be. I was too busy maxing out my cards, borrowing money from people, and doing everything in my power to get me back to square one. Come June 1st though, that’s all going to change! It’s time to play START BACK OVER! ::insert The Price is Right music:: You hear that self, I’m starting over! No more f@#%ing around. I feel like I’m having déjà vu. Been here before, said that before, time to get serious, again. When I look at my charts and see I started with such great momentum, it’s a little discouraging. All you can do is get back on the horse that threw you. For those of you who’ve never been on a horse, this is a figurative analogy, because there’s a fat f#%&ing chance I’d be getting back on a horse that threw me.

Despite my attempts, you can not write cursive using line charts.

Is this real life?

Since our spirits are already so high why not discuss May’s goals. This month I went 1 for 4. I’m going to go ahead and declare May a victory. Although, if this were any kind of class, that’s a 25%, which is absolutely failing. Hey but it beats April’s goose egg. Tomorrow I will have June’s goals for y’all. I’m going to rig it so I get at least a 50% because that’s passing in my book. I have teachers who would argue otherwise but they can bite me.

Chipper as always

D

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The earth has stopped rotating. Toilets in Australia are flushing in the right direction. The world is probably going to fall out of the sky but I can’t say that with confidence. It’s Saturday and I’m blogging. Go on get down with your bad self. Historically my little site doesn’t get much activity on the weekends. I consider it a good weekend if combined for Saturday and Sunday I have 5 views. Small victories. This means that I never have to write anything of substance because no one will read it. ::high fives self::

It’s the first day of the new yob and it’s everything I thought it would be and than some. It’s like my full time yob but even better. It requires me to “work” even less. Awwwesomeee! I’m probably going to have to start a second blog to help the days go by. Those of you on facebook make sure you update your status every 10 minutes so I can have productive stalking sessions. Please and thank you.

Ciao

D

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I honestly think it’s been 3 months since I’ve had me a cup of joe. Today is the 5th day of my return to coffee bender. This isn’t a cry for help because I’m loving every moment of it! F yes coffee, you rock! Maybe that’s just the coffee speaking but this shit is the bees knees y’all. I never understood that expression, bees don’t have knees right? Even after reading the explanation I still don’t get it. That isn’t the first time I’ve said that either. Wow coffee is ggrrreeeaatt, said like Tony the Tiger. My brain is just flying around. It’s like my ADD is on adrenaline or some shit. Oh wait, doesn’t adrenaline calm ADD down? I don’t know it’s all so confusing. Good thing I’m not going to be a doctor. Did I mention I got an extra-large iced DD this morning or does it not need to be said because it’s pretty clear? You guys are the best! Speaking of awesome, this weekend is a 3 day weekend. America, f#*$ yea!