I don’t usually make a whole post about a reaction to something going by on social media, but this time it is something that could be very problematic and is related to my field, so pardon the generally light-hearted programming interruption as I have some serious feelings right now.

Dear Ronda: What should a guy NEVER do in bed? What should a guy ALWAYS do in bed? (Asking for a friend.) – Jack, 36, Los Angeles

… What should a guy always do? Take his time. In general, a girl takes a minute. He needs to get her ready. You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, than you’re being lazy…and you’re not taking your time.

I can see that there may be good intentions, because it’s true (pardon the hetero- and cis-centric slant of this which also makes me cringe): women do take longer than men on average to become aroused. In many partnered interactions, it’s great, and potentially necessary to start slow and build. Other times, you may not want to take it slowly.

And still other times, no matter how turned on and ready you are, some vaginas don’t self-lubricate very well due to a variety of reasons including but not limited to: dehydration, oral contraceptives, other medications, being (post)menopausal, or health problems.

In these situations, lube is not only a good idea, but it is essentialto have fun, slick, not painful time.

Needing lube is not a failure by any means. It isn’t lazy. It’s smart planning.

A quality body-safe lube can make all the difference for hot, satisfying solo or partnered sex. My favorites are by Sliquid, Please, Good Clean Love, and Uberlube and you can find those through my affiliates in the right side bar or here.

So, with all due respect, sex educators don’t instruct on how to do MMA and UFC fighting correctly. Please don’t dispense sex and relationship advice based only on your own experiences.

Edited to add:

There is another problematic element that I should have mentioned when I first wrote this. Beyond a person just feeling broken if they do not lubricate “enough” or within a certain amount of time, is the very disturbing flip side. Rape culture and justifications for rape are alive and well, I’m very sorry to say. Some may use the lubrication argument as “Oh she was wet so she must’ve been consenting/enjoying it.” I feel gross even having to write this, but it’d be wrong to leave it out.

Lubrication can be an indicator of arousal, but not always. So sure, warm up, go slow, but there’s no shame in lubing up.

And if you’re going to do any butt play, you definitely need lube. But that’s a whole other conversation. You can read more about Butt Sex Basics here.

I am a board member and volunteer educator with Center for Positive Sexuality, a 501c3 nonprofit whose mission is to promote recognition and acceptance of sexual and gender diversity to individuals, groups, and communities through education and research. We do outreach educational panels and research sexuality, kink, and gender, and we are 100% volunteer-run. Your donation is tax deductible!