Monday, January 27, 2014

Have you seen me?

I've been missing someone lately. She's about yay high, answers to the name of "story." Have you seen her?

Oh.

Lately, I've been feeling like I've been missing something.

I wanted to feel more purposeful, so I've been planning more stuff with the kids. I wanted to do more self care, so I've been reading more, doing yoga, putting my feet up, having treats.

So why is it that I'm disappearing?

What I need, what my soul craves, isn't more frivolous comfort. It isn't more chocolate or bubble baths. It isn't a glass of wine at the end of the day.

What my relationship with my kids needs isn't more worksheets, more sensory bins, more choreographed activities.

What my marriage, what my friendships, what my causes need isn't for me to be more of a martyr or more off a spoiled cream puff.

What we all just need is me. To be me.

I love, with all my heart and self.
I have words that are important, that make a difference to the people who hear them.
I pay attention. I hear people, what they say and what they don't. I see you.
I care. I care about doing a good job. I care about people around me being happy. I care about the reasons behind the things I say and do, about the theory, about the analysis.
I recognize the good and the value in people and can help them to see it.
I learn, really quickly and voraciously. I trust research. I think about things.

That's who I am. That's what I do. I need space and time and quiet to recharge and process but I also need to connect. I need to help. I need to show up in the world and be present with people. To engage in a relationship of equals. One where I do not try to fix anyone, including myself, but only say "I see you. Do you see me too?"

I need to be seen. Even if I don't want to be seen.

I don't need to be fixed. I'm not broken. I just need to show up as scary as that may be.