Tag: fall

This is something I will always write about…..because it had such a great impact on my life. Another year will come and go…..without my baby sister.

I’ve talked about her before….we lost her a couple of weeks before her first birthday from meningitis. It devastated our family. She would be 29 this year…..and it’s just one of the really weird things that line up for this year…..

I was 10 and in the 5th grade when she passed away 11/9/1990. I remember the day….it was a half day at school on a Friday. I was excited to ride the bus home without the high school kids…..we got to sit in the back when they weren’t there. This year…..my oldest daughter is 10, in the 5th grade, and has a half day this friday, the 9th. Crazy, eh? She was also named after my sister, her middle name is Rebecca. And just a little bit of a stretch….I had Hailey a couple of weeks before I turned 29….. I can’t help but look at my daughters and the relationship they have with each other. I’m so extremely thankful I had all girls…..because I missed out on having a sister in my life. I love seeing them together and knowing they have something so precious.

And at this age……I can look back and see just how many “sisters” I have and had in my life. They always say that if you can find just a few close friends in your lifetime you have been extremely blessed. I can say that I’ve had so many amazing women in my life that I can call sister….and even though I still feel heartbroken over the fact I didn’t get to go through life with mine….I’ve had so many women to step in and help fill that void.

So in this anniversary month where I remember my sister, I also count my blessings. I have 3 beautiful daughters who will get that sister relationship, and I have so many beautiful friends that are like sisters.

I was sitting at my daughter’s soccer game a couple of weeks ago, enjoying the cooler air and the kids running up and down the field. This is my favorite time of year…..I enjoy just about everything about it. As I was watching though….a familiar smell caught my attention. It was cologne, one of the dads was wearing. I was immediately taken back to the time of my cancer treatment….in the fall of 2003. My husband wore the same cologne…..and now the smell makes me sick. And even though I love the fall…..sometimes the feel of fall brings on all the ways I felt during that time.

I remember the way the leaves would dance across the road as I drove to my treatments. I remember the feel of the cool crisp air as I would walk in to the office. I remember the smells of the chemicals and treatments around me as I sat in my recliner receiving poisons in to my body. I remember the dark and moody clouds on Saturday mornings when I had to be driven back to get my Neulasta shot. I remember feeling sick as death as my fiance would get ready to leave for work….and put on that cologne. All of those smells, sights, and feelings bring it all back. It makes me sad that I can’t just enjoy this time of year. I don’t feel it every day, but there are times when the memories hit me and I can close my eyes and be back there!

Every. Single Year. No matter what, or how long it’s been…….it always comes back. I’m thankful to be out of it…..but those feelings will always linger. It hangs over my head. I can’t walk in to any medical facility without getting a touch of upset stomach and flashbacks. I will still enjoy my hats and sweaters, coffee on the beach, and beautiful fall colors…..and I will reflect on all I’ve been through that has made me who I am now.

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