Herding Cats

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

Hope Springs Eternal

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

CA: alright i knoww youre done talkin to your swweaty asshole moirail by noww so i need to fuckin talk to you about somethin
CA: an dont evven pretend like youre not there
CA: honestly wwhere the fuck else wwould you evven be
CA: by my wwatch you literally just finished gabbin to him about wwhatevver musclebeast leavvins you twwo jaww about seconds agoAC: :33 < ugh
AC: :33 < howd you know i just finished talking to equius?CA: cause he said hed just finished talkin to you 21 minutes in the future on your ridiculous fuckin memo
CA: and that wwas 21 minutes ago
CA: and 21 - 21 = 0 meanin that particular thing is happenin right fuckin noww
CA: wwoww imagine that the seadwweller is capable a elementary temporal reasonin and basic fuckin arithmeticAC: :33 < so you were just counting down the minutes until you could talk to me?
AC: :33 < you are so cr33pyCA: oh PLEASE nep dont evven assume your of anythin more than marginal fuckin importance to me
CA: i just made a mental note to contact you later wwhile i movved on to more important things i had to do OF WWHICH THERE ARE SEVVERALAC: :33 < like what?
AC: :33 < killing angels and drinking soda?CA: none a your fuckin business alright
CA: as a proper seadwweller ivve alwways got to be makin neww schemes
CA: its nothin a fuckin olivve blooded dreg wwould understandAC: :33 < ugh, whatefur
AC: :33 < why didnt you respawnd to the memo?CA: that wwhole thing wwas fuckin disgustin
CA: i dont knoww wwhy vvris of all peoples spillin her fuckin guts out about all her red feelins but the wwhole thing made me wwanna retch
CA: seariously nep wwhat the fuck did you do to my former kismesis
CA: she used to be a proper fuckin scourge a the seas and noww shes more like a wwiggler storybook princessAC: :33 < i just convinced her to try being nice
AC: :33 < maybe YOU should try it sometime!CA: yeah fuckin right
CA: the day you sea me bein nice is one day before you sea me swwingin from my hivve by my fuckin neckAC: :33 < well, it worked fur vwiskers!
AC: :33 < she tried it, and now shes got a loving matespurrit and a pawesome meowrail!
AC: :33 < hows being a big stupid jerk working fur you?CA: god nep youre gettin really wworked up ovver this
CA: i mean im flattered but honestly i got important fuckin things i wwanted to talk to you about hereAC: :33 < why would you be fl
AC: :33 < uuurrrghrgrhhggh
AC: XOO < ERIDAN I AM NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU!!!CA: please nep wwere not evven fuckin talkin about this right nowwAC: :33 < ugh
AC: :33 < fur once we agr33 on something
AC: :33 < so what do you wantCA: alright look
CA: i saww wwhat you did to vvris
CA: and by saww it i mean i literally saww the wwhole sappy fuckin disgustin spielAC: :33 < what?
AC: :33 < how did you s33 it?CA: because im your fuckin servver player remember
CA: i can sea evverythin that goes on inside your fuckin hivve
CA: or did you actually fuckin forget about howw i brought you into the game and savved your fuckin life
CA: YOURE FUCKIN WWELCOME BY THE WWAYAC: :33 < argh, i actually completely furgot about that!! XPPCA: wwoww THATS a fuckin surpriseAC: :33 < but why were you watching me?
AC: :33 < do you watch me all the time, you big cr33p??CA: ugh please
CA: i check on it occasionally and most a the time youre not evven there
CA: an evven wwhen you are youre usually doin somethin like paintin on your wwalls or trollin on your grubtop
CA: an then i swwitch it off cause believve it or not i dont get off on wwatchin an autistic cattroll do boring shit
CA: AND NO I DONT WWATCH YOU IN THE HYGIENEBLOCK GIVVE ME A LITTLE FUCKIN CREDIT HERE
CA: but yesterday i saww you wwith tavv an kan an you wwere wworkin on some kinda big devvious plot
CA: so can you blame me for wwantin to sea that shit go dowwnAC: :33 < yes i can!
AC: :33 < in fact, here i am blaming you right now!CA: ok nep is that gesture really necessaryAC: :33 < aha! youre watching me right now!
AC: :33 < youre such a big cr33py weirdo jerk!!CA: really fuckin mature nep
CA: howw wwould you like it if i sent a screenshot a this to your swweaty palepal
CA: im sure hed disapprovve a these lewwd hand formations
CA: wwait i mean 100dAC: :33 < hed purrobably understand since its directed at you!CA: alright fine
CA: howw about i send him some evvidence i collected a you wwaxin pale for vvris insteadAC: :33 < what!!!CA: i havve the screenshots nep
CA: you holdin her hand and lookin like youre about twwo seconds awway from tacklepouncin her into a fuckin pile
CA: really scandalous stuff i can assure youAC: :33 < eridan, are you seriously trying to blackmail me???CA: blackmails such an ugly wword
CA: wwait wwhat am i sayin blackmails a beautiful fuckin wword
CA: so yes im blackmailin youAC: :33 < well too bad!!
AC: :33 < beclaws thats what i was talking to equius about and he completely understood!CA: oh please
CA: nep thats such a fuckin transparent bluffAC: :33 < send it to him, s33 if i care!CA: im wwarnin you nep this wwill completely destroy youAC: :33 < just do it, ampurraCA: wwell dont say i didnt wwarn you
CA: sendin it nowwAC: :33 < good!CA: ok
CA: uh wwoww
CA: holy shit nep i had no idea eq wwas capable a bein so fuckin rude
CA: like hes threatenin to rip my fuckin throat out for evven snoopin on you like that
CA: aaand he just blocked meAC: :33 < h33 h33, told you so!CA: wwell shitAC: :33 < dont you mean
AC: :33 < whale shit??CA: look nep leavve the nautical puns to the fuckin seadwwellers alrightAC: :33 < i guess i just took the WIND OUT OF YOUR SAILS
AC: :33 < and now youre DEAD IN THE WATERCA: ughAC: :33 < you shouldve known that LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPSCA: ok holy shit just fuckin stop already pleaseAC: :33 < and why should i, eridan?
AC: :33 < or would you purrfur i just block you instead?
AC: :33 < beclaws i dont really f33l like doing anything fur you right now!CA: alright look
CA: extortion didnt wwork
CA: but im not too proud to beg
CA: so please nep youvve gotta fuckin help meAC: :33 < why?CA: because im a miserable fuckin wwreck
CA: all i evver did since the beginnin a this fuckin game wwas alienate evverybody around me
CA: an noww im stuck on this shitty fuckin planet killin fuckin angels wwith this shitty fuckin gun and nobodys evven wwillin to givve me the time a fuckin night
CA: an i cant fuckin take it anymore
CA: im so lonely nep
CA: pleaseAC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < why do you want my help?
AC: :33 < im just a stupid kittycat shipper cave girl, arent i?CA: nep no i
CA: look just hear me out here alright
CA: i saww the wway you handled vvris
CA: and it wwas the most amazin fuckin thing ivve evver seen
CA: you wworked your heart magic on her like a proper fuckin wwizard a the quadrants
CA: wwait i mean
CA: you wworked your heart science on her like a proper fuckin empiricist a the quadrants
CA: wweavvin black into pale and pale into red like a fuckin alchemist
CA: wwait shit alchemys just the fake magic vversion a chemistryAC: :33 < whats your point here?CA: my point is i saww what you did for kan and vvris
CA: an i wwant you to do that for me and fef
CA: i wwant you to make her flushed for meAC: :33 < i cant make fefurry do anything!CA: wwhy the fuck not
CA: you did it to vvris didnt youAC: :33 < i didnt make vwiskers do anything either!
AC: :33 < i didnt use some magic spell to make her fall fur kanaya or something stupid like that!CA: oh come on nep im not suggestin you used any kinda magic
CA: but clearly you did somethinAC: :33 < look, vwiskers always liked kanaya
AC: :33 < she just didnt think she was flushed fur her
AC: :33 < beclaws she didnt think she could have red f33lings fur anypawdy!
AC: :33 < all i did was show her that she already did
AC: :33 < fur kanaya and tavros both!CA: ok so do that for fefAC: :33 < but i dont know if fefurry actually likes you like that!CA: sure she does
CA: i mean kan broke up her moirallegiance wwith vvris cause she wwanted to be her matesprit right
CA: wwho says fef isnt doin the same thingAC: :33 < i think fefurry wouldve b33n a little more furthcoming about it than thatCA: wwhat the fuck does that evven meanAC: :33 < it just s33ms like shed be a little more direct!
AC: :33 < i mean, kanayas always kind of cagey and withdrawn
AC: :33 < but fefurry purretty much wears her heart on her sl33ve
AC: :33 < oh wait, she doesnt even have sl33ves!
AC: :33 < if she liked you like that, i dont think shed really have any reason withhold it furom youCA: so youre sayin she doesnt lovve me
CA: or pity me or wwhatevver fuckin wword wwere usin hereAC: :33 < im not saying that!
AC: :33 < im just not sure if shes flushed fur youCA: howw is that any fuckin different from wwhat i just saidAC: :33 < theres other kinds of love besides flushed love!CA: I DONT WWANT ANY OTHER KIND OF FUCKIN LOVVE
CA: all i wwant is for her to be my matesprit
CA: i just
CA: im so flushed for her it physically fuckin hurts
CA: please nep youvve got to at least try to get her to lovve meAC: :33 < alright, look
AC: :33 < ill talk to her, okay?
AC: :33 < ill s33 if she could maybe be flushed fur youCA: wwhat youre just gonna ask her about me
CA: that seems kinda obvviousAC: :33 < i wont just ask about you!
AC: :33 < itll be a random shipping sw33p
AC: :33 < just not so random
AC: :33 < ill ask her about both her quadrants and s33 who she might be interested in in generalCA: alright fine
CA: just dont go plantin any ridiculous shippin ideas in her headAC: :33 < ill do my best!CA: oh and
CA: uh
CA: thanks nepAC: :33 < yeah, no purroblem, i guess
AC: :33 < ill just open another window now
AC: :33 < brb

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC].

AC: :33 < *AWOOOOOGA! AWOOOOOGA!*
AC: :33 < attention citizen!CC: Glub??AC: :33 < you are now being subjected to a random shipping sw33p!
AC: :33 < do not attempt to resist!!CC: O)( no, not a random s)(ipping sweep!
CC: Now all my )(ig)(ly illicit and dubiously legal s)(ips are S)(OR-E to be confiscated!!!AC: :33 < we will now conduct a full body search!
AC: :33 < please remove your clothes!!CC: 38O!!!!!AC: :33 < h33 h33, just kidding!CC: W)(ale I s)(ould s)(ore )(OP-E so!!!!
CC: W)(ere would I even keep a s)(ip in my clot)(es??AC: :33 < are you kidding me??
AC: :33 < you could hide a whole fl33t in that goofy skirt of yours!CC: )(--EY!
CC: It's a little somet)(ing called STYL-E!!
CC: And t)(is skirt was totally IN t)(e day everybody on Alternia died!
CC: W)(ic)( means it'll stay IN pretty muc)( forever!!!AC: :33 < okay okay, enough talk about fashion
AC: :33 < i have some shipping to do!CC: Very w)(ale.
CC: I t)(row myself upon t)(e mercy of t)(e s)(ipping court!AC: :33 < the shipping court HAS no mercy!CC: O)( no!!! 38CAC: :33 < now, to begin
AC: :33 < i suppawse we should start with the pawbvious question
AC: :33 < whats up with you and sollux?CC: Yea)(, I guess t)(at is t)(e obvious place to start.
CC: I mean, I R-E-ELY like Sollux. I do!!
CC: But I'm not reely s)(ore w)(at quadrant we're in!AC: :33 < really?CC: Yea)(! I mean...
CC: I've asked )(im about it, but )(e's never given me a straig)(t answer.
CC: I T)(INK )(e wants to be matesprits, but )(e's never tried to make it offis)(ial!AC: :33 < huh, that's weird
AC: :33 < what do you want to be?CC: T)(at's t)(e t)(ing. I don't reely )(AV-E a preference!
CC: I'd be )(appy being matesprits OR morayeels!AC: :33 < really?
AC: :33 < youd be okay with being his meowrail?CC: I wouldn't just be OKAY wit)( it!
CC: I'd LOV-E to be )(is morayeel!AC: :33 < wow, thats a really rare attitude to s33!
AC: :33 < it s33ms like most trolls think meowrallegiance is worse than matespurritship somehowCC: W)(ale, most trolls are just DUMB!
CC: Moirallegiance is just as good as matesprits)(ip! Maybe even B-ETTA!AC: :33 < oh, i agr33!!
AC: :33 < i think equius has done more fur me than any matespurrit ever could!
AC: :33 < i mean, sometimes we get on each others nerves
AC: :33 < but were both a meowllion times better off fur being together!CC: --EXACTLY!!
CC: I reely envy you sometimes, Nepeta! You and -Equius are suc)( GR-EAT morayeels!
CC: I wis)( I could )(ave somet)(ing like t)(at wit)( Sollux...AC: :33 < really?CC: But I'd love to be )(is matesprit, too!!
CC: I just t)(ink )(e reely needs a morayeel.
CC: We're )(appy toget)(er most of t)(e time, but sometimes )(e's so mopey and miserable, it just drives me CRAZY!AC: :33 < yeah, hes really moody sometimes
AC: :33 < maybe ill talk to him about it when his shipping sw33p comes up!CC: O)( COD, )(e's not gonna like T)(AT...AC: :33 < well he can just deal with it!!!CC: )(a)(a)(a, Y-EA)(! T)(AT'S t)(e spirit!!
CC: Glub glub glub!! 38DAC: :33 < well, i guess well leave that in the air fur now
AC: :33 < now, to move on to the next most purressing issue...CC: -Eridan?AC: :33 < yeah ://CC: *SIIIG)(...*
CC: I suppose it's inevitable.
CC: Are any of t)(ese t)(oug)(ts going to find t)(eir way to )(im, by any c)(ance?AC: :33 < only if you think itll helpCC: ...
CC: You know, maybe it will.
CC: I just don't t)(ink I could ever be in a romantic relations)(ip wit)( )(im.AC: :33 < really?
AC: :33 < why not?CC: W)(ale, it's just...
CC: Before t)(e game, I tried R-E-ELY )(ard to be a good morayeel.
CC: But )(e foug)(t me every step of t)(e way!
CC: And it just got -EX)(AUSTING trying to keep )(im out of trouble w)(ile )(e was constantly resisting!
CC: I mean, I t)(oug)(t )(e )(AT-ED me!
CC: I figured )(e was just -ENDURING me in t)(e way only a particularly dangerous morayeel can.
CC: After we entered t)(e game, I figured ending our moirallegiance would be doing )(im a FAVOR!
CC: W)(en )(e confessed )(e was flus)(ed for me, I was )(onestly s)(ocked!AC: :33 < so you dont want to be his meowrail?CC: Definitely not.AC: :33 < could you s33 yourself being his matespurrit?CC: I... w)(ale...
CC: Did )(e put you up to t)(is?
CC: Is )(e suggesting I broke up wit)( )(im as a part of some Kanayaesque quadrant-flipping gambit?AC: :33 < is kanayaesque a word now?CC: Y-ES! Please update your dictionary.AC: :33 < h33 h33, furst thing!
AC: :33 < anyway no, im just curiousCC: W)(ale, t)(e t)(ing is...
CC: T)(is is going to sound )(orrible of me, but...
CC: After everyt)(ing )(e put me t)(roug)( as )(is moirail, it's INCR-EDIBLY )(ard not to resent )(im for it.
CC: I mean, I looked after )(im for SW-E-EPS, and it was like )(e didn't even care about me!
CC: No matter )(ow )(ard I tried to crack )(is s)(ell, )(e was ALWAYS walling me out wit)( )(is endless emotional t)(eatrics!
CC: And w)(en I was t)(e one w)(o needed support, )(e acted t)(e same way!
CC: Our moirallegiance was always completely one-sided.
CC: )(ow do I know our matesprits)(ip wouldn't be t)(e same?
CC: I mean, I know )(e wants me to love )(im, but w)(o says )(e'll R-E-ELY love me back?
CC: I just...
CC: I don't t)(ink I can trust )(im.AC: :33 < wow...
AC: :33 < im sorry, fefurry :((CC: No no no, I'M sorry! I'm talking your fins off about my stupid relations)(ip baggage!AC: :33 < hey, thats what im here fur!CC: Still, I feel bad for unloading on you like t)(at.
CC: I mean, I don't )(ate -Eridan. I still want )(im to be )(appy.
CC: I want )(im to find a matesprit w)(o reely loves )(im.
CC: I just don't t)(ink it can be me. 38(AC: :33 < its okay, fefurry
AC: :33 < you cant furce things like this
AC: :33 < anyway, ill find a really good matespurrit fur him, trust me!CC: W)(ale, I'm S)(O-RE you can find someone WOND-ERFUL for )(im!
CC: If anyone can, it's you!AC: :33 < thank you, fefurry!CC: Glub glub! 38)AC: :33 < anyway, enough about eridan
AC: :33 < are there any other candidates fur your ships?CC: )(mmm, I don't know! I )(aven't t)(oug)(t about it all t)(at muc)(!
CC: -Especially since I'm not really s)(ore w)(at's going on between me and Sollux!AC: :33 < well, lets start with matespurrits furst
AC: :33 < any ideas?CC: Besides Sollux, not reely!
CC: Do you )(ave anyt)(ing on your wall for me?AC: :33 < well, befur i shipped her with kanaya, my otp fur you was with vwiskers!CC: R-E-ELY??AC: :33 < yeah! beclaws youre both fun and adventurous and you love the ocean!
AC: :33 < and shes a tough, battle hardened pirate and youre a nice bubbly princess with the weirdest dark streak, and i think youd just play off each other really nicely!CC: ...I can sea it, actually.AC: :33 < i imagine you two pirating together, taking purrisoners and f33ding their lususes to yours, then taking the captives back to her hive
AC: :33 < then you talk about what a big dork eridan is while you brush each others hair, beclaws you both have really long hair and i think its cute fur some reason
AC: :33 < and then she offers you a flagon of mead, and of course you accept, because itd be impawlite to refuse
AC: :33 < and after your third cup, you suddenly find yourself falling on top of her, and she just looks up at you with a mischievous grin as she slides her hand under your
AC: :33 < erCC: 38|AC: :33 < uhCC: It sounds like you've put...
CC: A LOT of t)(oug)(t into t)(is.AC: :33 < i
AC: :33 < may or may not have written a piece of fiction about itCC: I... sea.AC: :33 < anyway lets talk about something else now!!
AC: :33 < since shes with kanaya now and therefur thats pawbviously something thats nefur going to catpun so we dont have to talk about it efur again!!!CC: Yes okay let's do t)(at!!!!!
CC: Any ot)(er suggestions?AC: :33 < well, this is gonna sound goofy
AC: :33 < but what about equius?CC: -Equius? I )(adn't ever really t)(oug)(t about )(im like t)(at.AC: :33 < well, i know he s33ms like kind of a cr33py jerk
AC: :33 < but hes actually a really nice, considerate, noble guy if you can get past that!
AC: :33 < and he has an apurreciation for fauna, kind of like you!
AC: :33 < and i can tell you hes a GREAT meowrail, fur what thats worth!CC: Wow, Nepeta, you're R-E-ELY trying to sell me on )(im!AC: :33 < well, yeah, kinda
AC: :33 < all his other matespurrit ships are cr33py and weird!CC: I don't know, isn't )(e kind of a )(emospectrum purist?
CC: And doesn't )(e )(ave somet)(ing against seadwellers? -Eridan was always carping about )(ow "disrespectful" )(e was.
CC: I'm not s)(ore we'd be t)(at compatible. 38/AC: :33 < yeah, hes really stubborn about stupid traditions
AC: :33 < but maybe i can make him change!
AC: :33 < im his meowrail, after all, thats what im suppawsed to do!CC: W)(ale, it's wort)( a s)(ot!
CC: )(eck, I t)(ink you s)(ould do t)(at even if you AR-EN'T s)(ipping )(im wit)( me!
CC: T)(e )(emospectrum is stupid anyway!AC: :33 < i agr33 completely!
AC: :33 < but lets put that ship aside fur nowCC: Yea)(, okay.AC: :33 < actually, i cant really think of anypawdy else fur your flushed quadrant
AC: :33 < tavros, maybe?CC: Tavros seems nice, I guess, but I don't reely know )(im all t)(at well.AC: :33 < yeah, its kind of hard shipping fur you, since you nefur really got to know most of us all that well!CC: Guilty as c)(arged. One of t)(e many drawbacks to being royalty.
CC: W)(ale, w)(at about my pale quadrant? Any ideas t)(ere?AC: :33 < just a few
AC: :33 < what do you think of kanaya?CC: Kanaya's cool, I guess! I talked to )(er occasionally before t)(e game started.
CC: I'm not s)(ore )(ow muc)( kelp s)(e'd really need from me, t)(oug)(.
CC: S)(e seems pretty well-adjusted as it is!AC: :33 < well, shes not really furthcoming about her purroblems
AC: :33 < im sure she has plenty!
AC: :33 < theyre just not really pawbviousCC: I'd probably be a bad morayeel for )(er, t)(en. I'm T-ERRIBL-E about reading people t)(at deeply!AC: :33 < yeah, maybe
AC: :33 < hey, what about karkitty?
AC: :33 < hes really upfront about his purroblems!CC: )(a)(a)(a, o)( COD, I'd probably drive )(im CRAZY!
CC: )(e'd just be like, "HEY FUCKASS, STOP BEING SO FUCKING NICE ALL THE TIME, FUCK FUCK FUCK"AC: :33 < h33 h33! yeah, purrobably!CC: I'd be willing to be )(is morayeel, I guess, but I'm not s)(ore )(e'd be willing to let me!AC: :33 < hmmm, maybe not
AC: :33 < well, thats all ive got, really
AC: :33 < unless you can think of anypawdy else?CC: No, not reely!AC: :33 < huh, i guess this sw33p wasnt that purrductive at all!CC: It's okay!
CC: I mean, I've already KIND OF got one quadrant filled already!AC: :33 < yeah, i guess
AC: :33 < i really hope you and sollux can figure that out!CC: I )(ope so too!
CC: I'll talk to )(im about it again, and )(opefully )(e won't be suc)( a big )(ard)(ead about it t)(is time!AC: :33 < yeah, ill get to him eventually, too!
AC: :33 < anyway, im done here, so i guess ill let you go!CC: )(ey, wait!
CC: Before you go...
CC: W)(ale...AC: :33 < hmmm?CC: Could you, maybe...
CC: Send me t)(at... certain piece of fiction?AC: :33 < :oo
AC: :33 < really??CC: Yes reely, just send it!AC: :33 < well, okay...-- arsenicCatnip [AC] sent cuttlefishCuller [CC] the file "maiden voyage (vs/fp) [tw: dubcon, bloodplay].doc" --AC: :33 < its one of my older works, so the writing isnt the greatest
AC: :33 < and please dont send it to anypawdy else, okay??
AC: :33 < i dont want word of my rpf getting out!
AC: :33 < fefurry are you thereCC: 38O
CC: 38:O
CC: 38 :O
CC: Nepeta, t)(is is...
CC: T)(is is OBSC-EN-E!AC: :33 < sorry!CC: And for some reason... INCR-EDIBLY arousing!AC: :33 < oh god
AC: :33 < im thinking i should leave nowCC: T)(anks for t)(e fic!
CC: Wait, )(ow do I make a winking goggles emoticon?
CC: 3P)
CC: T)(at's not very good, but it'll )(ave to do.AC: :33 < okay yeah bye!!!!!

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC].

CA: good lord youre takin your swweet fuckin time here
CA: wwhat the fuck are you twwo evven talkin about
CA: howw long does one a these shippin swweeps normally take
CA: assumin theyre a thing youvve evven done before
CA: wwhich i suddenly realize is a fuckin stupid thing to assume
CA: seein as you literally just announced youd start doin em like fivve fuckin minutes ago
CA: god damnit
CA: ok seariously wwhats the fuckin holdup
CA: are you twwo wwritin some kinda horrible fanfiction together or somethin
CA: i cant sea howw else this could possibly take this fuckin longAC: :33 < there was absolutely no fiction involved!!!!!CA: wwhoa ok
CA: wwell wwhatd she say
CA: is she wwillin to givve me a chanceAC: :33 < um...
AC: :33 < noCA: wwhat
CA: thats it just fuckin no
CA: really shes not evven wwillin to consider itAC: :33 < i dont think shell efur be flushed fur you
AC: :33 < im sorry eridan :((CA: WWHAT
CA: i
CA: seariously youre that fuckin confident
CA: did you evven fuckin try to convvince herAC: :33 < i think you should just s33 what she said-- arsenicCatnip [AC] sent caligulasAquarium [CA] the file "sorryeridan.txt" --CA: oh god
CA: she resents me
CA: she cant trust me
CA: she thinks i HATED her
CA: i
CA: fuck
CA: this is all my fuckin fault isnt it
CA: ivve been sabotagin evverythin for myself from the fuckin beginnin wwith my constant fuckin emotional theatrics
CA: god
CA: i cannot BELIEVVE wwhat a complete fuckup i amAC: :33 < its okay, eridanCA: howw the fuck is it fuckin ok in any fuckin wway wwhatsoevverAC: :33 < maybe fefurry doesnt want to be your matespurrit
AC: :33 < but she still wants you to be happy!
AC: :33 < she wants you to find another matespurrit
AC: :33 < and i do too!CA: I DONT WWANT ANOTHER FUCKIN MATESPRIT
CA: all i wwant is her
CA: thats all i evver fuckin wwanted
CA: an noww that i knoww for a fact i cant fuckin havve her i dont sea the fuckin point anymore
CA: may as wwell just check out noww and savve myself the rest a my fuckin useless lifeAC: :33 < what????CA: fef wwas the only thing that made my life wworth livvin
CA: an if shell nevver be mine in this life i may as wwell just end it noww
CA: just step out a my hivve and let the angels kill meAC: oh for fucks sake, would you just STOP IT!!!!!CA: wwwwhatAC: this is just more of your overdramatic bullshit!!
AC: youre not going to kill yourself over a fucking breakup!!
AC: its not the end of the world! its not even the end of your relationship with her!!
AC: she said she wants you to be happy! she said she doesnt hate you!
AC: did you ever consider being friends with her?
AC: have you even tried to talk to her since she broke up with you??CA: wwell
CA: once or twwice but not reallyAC: well why not???CA: you dont understand nep
CA: it fuckin hurts to evven talk to herAC: well, why would you want to be with her if it hurts to talk with her???
AC: did you even enjoy talking to her when you were moirails??
AC: i mean at all??CA: no it wwas a fuckin chore
CA: she wwas alwways hasslin me and basically constantly givvin me shit ovver all my goals and aspirationsAC: so why do you think everything would suddenly become perfect if you were matesprits???CA: because moirails havve to givve you shit about stuff like thatAC: and what would she do if she was your matesprit? just ignore it??
AC: she was giving you shit about it because she HATED It, and she couldnt get over it, and she wanted it to change!
AC: i mean, youre a racist genocidal hemospectrum worshipper whos constantly trying to kill all landdwellers
AC: and shes a peace loving all accepting heiress who wants to throw out the hemospectrum and couldnt bring herself to harm a cuttlefish!
AC: literally the only thing you have in common is that youre seadwellers!
AC: how could you POSSIBLY put aside your differences to be matesprits??CA: wwell
CA: i guess it wwouldnt be easyAC: it wouldnt even happen!!
AC: i mean, what do you even like about her??
AC: what is it thats so fucking great about her that you wont even give the other eight eligible trolls out there an ounce of consideration???CA: wwell i mean
CA: shes swweet an shes smart an shes funny
CA: theres no shortage a things to like about her shes perfectAC: SHE IS NOT PERFECT!!!!!!
AC: shes not the flawless goddess you make her out to be, shes just a person!!!
AC: and there are all sorts of things about her that you probably hate but you wont admit to because youve built her up in your mind as the ideal matesprit!!
AC: shes naive and overbearing and condescending and obnoxious and really pretty insensitive sometimes!CA: wwhoa nep wwhat the hellAC: im not saying shes a bad person, its just that she has failings!
AC: there are all sorts of things you hate about her and you damn well know it, but youre just ignoring them because you think itll all go away once shes your matesprit!
AC: well guess what, it doesnt fucking work that way!!!
AC: if you ever actually did become matesprits, youd realize all the things about her you cant stand, and shed see everything she hates about you, and the whole thing would just collapse!
AC: because frankly, you two would be fucking TERRIBLE for each other!
AC: there are so many deal breakers for the both of you that its a wonder that youre not fucking kismessises by now!!!
AC: but none of that even occurred to you, because you never even cared about her!!
AC: all you cared about was this big perfect matespritship youd built up in your head!
AC: i mean, have you seen the words youve been using?
AC: you want to have her, and to make her yours, like shes a fucking object that you can possess???
AC: shes a person, eridan!! with feelings!!
AC: and you can never have her as a matesprit if she doesnt love you, and she doesn't!!!
AC: and if you still want her, well, stop wanting that!!
AC: you two were never meant to be matesprits in the first place, and its completely obvious to everyone but you!!!
AC: its not fate, its not destiny, its not serendipity, its not true love transcending all boundaries, its just a stupid idea you got so worked up over that you thought it was the end all be all of existence!!
AC: she doesnt love you, and you dont even love her, so just fucking DEAL WITH IT!!!!!
AC: there are other trolls out there, and frankly, every single one of them is a better match for you than her!
AC: so just get over it, move on, find somebody else to be your matesprit, and get on with your fucking life!!
AC: and for fucks sake, DONT FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!CA: i
CA: nep
CA: holy shitAC: :33 < ...sorryCA: no i mean
CA: youre right
CA: youre absolutely fuckin right about evverythin you just said
CA: shes not wworth this
CA: not wworth takin my fuckin life ovver in any case
CA: but
CA: it hurts nep
CA: knowwin wwhat an unbelievvable hurtful piece a shit i wwas
CA: i mean i knoww i already burned my bridge wwith fef
CA: an im better off just findin another one instead a tryin to rebuild it from the charred fuckin cinders
CA: an im really fuckin sorry in advvance for ovverextendin this awwful fuckin metaphor
CA: but howw do i knoww i can evven set foot on another bridge wwithout settin it ablaze tooAC: :33 < what do you mean?CA: ugh i kneww that metaphor wwas a piece a shit
CA: wwhat im sayin is fef is the swweetest nicest troll i evver kneww
CA: fivve minutes ago id a said present company excluded but good lord girl youvve got some caliginous fuckin fires in you and quite frankly its kinda fuckin scary
CA: an maybe a little somethin else but im gettin off here
CA: fuck TOPIC i meant gettin OFF TOPIC here
CA: anywway the point is you havve to be a really fuckin contemptible scumbag to wwork up any sorta bad blood wwith somebody like fef
CA: an seein as thats exactly wwhat i fuckin did that pretty much makes me crowwn fuckin prince a contemptible scumbags evverywwhere
CA: so if fef of all people isnt wwillin to givve me a second chance wwhy wwould anybody else feel like extendin a firstAC: :33 < youre not a scumbag, eridanCA: you cant possibly fuckin mean thatAC: :33 < okay, you kind of are a scumbagCA: there noww wwere gettin somewwhereAC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < sorry, anyway
AC: :33 < youre not hopeless
AC: :33 < you just n33d a little helpCA: so you wwant to help meAC: :33 < of course i want to help you!
AC: :33 < i just have a few conditionsCA: alright fine name emAC: :33 < furst of all, we do things my way
AC: :33 < ill take your suggestions, but you dont get to give me orders
AC: :33 < okay?CA: ok sureAC: :33 < and second, im not finding you a hissmesisCA: oh please nep
CA: i dont evven wwant your help findin a fuckin kismesis ok
CA: im brewwin my owwn fuckin plans for my black quadrant as wwe speak
CA: so ivve kinda got it under fuckin controlAC: :33 < suuuure eridan, whatefur you sayCA: alright fine is that itAC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < oh! one more thing!
AC: :33 < you have to apawlogize to me fur the little incident on lowaaCA: god nep youre really twwistin the fuckin knife hereAC: :33 < h33 h33, what can i say?
AC: :33 < i just like s33ing you squirm fur some reason!CA: wwell wwhat specifically am i apologizin for here
CA: i mean are you mad that i evven asked at allAC: :33 < no! i dont blame you fur expurressing interest
AC: :33 < its just... the way you asked
AC: :33 < it was really cr33py and kind of meanCA: alright alright
CA: ill admit demandin your hand in matespritship as compensation for bringin you into the game wwas pretty fuckin loww a me
CA: or should i say lowwaa me
CA: fuck ok that wwas a terrible fuckin pun sorry
CA: anywway the wway i took your response wwas fuckin uncalled for too
CA: an bringin up the wwhole thing again on your memo wwasnt cool either
CA: so sorry about all thatAC: :33 < okay, apawlogy accepted!
AC: :33 < i furgive you, eridanCA: thanks i guess
CA: so wwill you help me nowwAC: :33 < yes!CA: ok great
CA: so wwhere do wwe startAC: :33 < we start with the most pawbvious thing
AC: :33 < shipping!CA: oh for gods sake nep is that your answwer to fuckin evverythingAC: :33 < eridan, i really think you n33d a matespurrit!
AC: :33 < itll help you get ofur this whole fefurry thing!CA: nep i dont knoww if i can evven handle a matespritship right noww
CA: i still kinda feel like the wworlds biggest piece a shit for the wway i treated the only person ivve evver been flushed forAC: :33 < well, can we at least talk about who might eventually be a good match fur you?CA: wwell i guess
CA: but for obvvious fuckin reasons the slates completely fuckin blank on my side
CA: you got anythin for me on your little shippin wwallAC: :33 < actually, noCA: wwhat wwhy the fuck not
CA: i saww vvris an ar an evven fuckin gam on there wwhy the fuck wwould you exclude me an not any a that fuckin freakshowwAC: :33 < equius ordered me to erase you furom my wall after
AC: :33 < well, uhCA: after wwhatAC: :33 < after i shipped him and you
AC: :33 < as matespurritsCA: oh god
CA: i guess i cant fuckin blame him for that
CA: wwevve pretty firmly established in this vvery fuckin convversation evven that thats not gonna fuckin wwork outAC: :33 < yeah ://
AC: :33 < but we can still brainstorm!CA: alright fineAC: :33 < okay, what about tavros?CA: noAC: :33 < why not?CA: because hes a fuckin mudblood alright next questionAC: :33 < thats a stupid reason!!!!CA: ok howw about that hes moirails wwith vvris an im not gonna get flushed for my ex kismesises little fuckin protegeAC: :33 < thats... a better reason, i guessCA: hey wwhat about youAC: :33 < what about me?CA: i mean you as my matesprit
CA: askin as nicely an uncreepily as possible hereAC: :33 < eridan...
AC: :33 < i was gonna say i dont like you like that
AC: :33 < but furankly i just kind of dont like you purriodCA: ok fair enoughAC: :33 < i was also gonna say im sorry
AC: :33 < but im not really ://CA: its fine i get it
CA: that wwas kinda the answwer i wwas lookin for anywwayAC: :33 < what? why?CA: wwell if there wwere any red feelins betwween us it wwould just get in the wway a thingsAC: :33 < what things?CA: this wwhole helpin me thing
CA: thats obvviously wwhat i meantAC: :33 < yeah, youre purrobably right
AC: :33 < oh my god oh my god i just got the best idea!!!!CA: wwoww really wwhatAC: :33 < what about...
AC: :33 < you and terezi?CA: ter huh
CA: thats
CA: intriguinAC: :33 < think about it! you have so much in common!
AC: :33 < you both love roleplaying
AC: :33 < and you both hate vwiskers!CA: is that it
CA: cause thats not a fuckin lot in commonAC: :33 < well, maybe not
AC: :33 < but i just thought about it and you two would be really cute together!!CA: im not sure id call anythin about ter cute
CA: but id be lyin if i said i hadnt pursued her before
CA: evven if it wwas for the most part just to try an piss off vvris
CA: an ill admit theres somethin about her fierce intellect and cold calculatin demeanor thats bizarrely attractivve for some reason
CA: an theres nothin at all bizarre about the wway she fills out that little legislacerator outfit a hers i mean good lordAC: :33 < okay okay stop! XPP
AC: :33 < so you might be interested in her?CA: yeah but wwhats the fuckin point
CA: i mean ivve gone for it before and she shot me dowwn evvery fuckin time howw are things gonna be any different nowwAC: :33 < well, befur you were flushed fur fefurry
AC: :33 < and she purrobably thought your advances were just a ruse to get at vwiskers
AC: :33 < but now things are diffurent!CA: its a sound theory i guess
CA: but honestly nep i dont think my expandin an collapsin bladder based aquatic vvascular system is in the right place to go lookin for a matesprit right nowwAC: :33 < call it a heartCA: wwhat wwhyAC: :33 < beclaws im not the rogue of expanding and collapsing bladder based aquatic vascular systems!!!CA: ugh fine but the point still standsAC: :33 < well, when will you be ready?CA: i dont fuckin knoww
CA: i feel like after wwhat i did to fef i dont evven deservve a fuckin matespritAC: :33 < of course you do!!
AC: :33 < look, i think you really n33d someone to talk to this about
AC: :33 < someone who will really listen to you about this and help you work through itCA: like wwho youAC: :33 < no, not me!CA: but thats wwhat wwere doin right noww isnt itAC: :33 < yeah, but i think you n33d something a little d33purr
AC: :33 < and im already in a commitment like thatCA: wwait
CA: are you suggestin wwhat i think youre suggestinAC: :33 < i think you n33d a meowrail, eridanCA: god damnit
CA: wwhy the fuck wwould i need a fuckin moirail of all the thingsAC: :33 < it wont be like what you and fefurry had!
AC: :33 < itll just be somepawdy you can talk to anything about, and theyll listen to you and tell you how to impurrove!CA: wwell
CA: that doesnt sound so bad i guessAC: :33 < of course, youll have to do the same fur themCA: ugh sea theres the problem
CA: judgin by my experience wwith fef im terrible fuckin moirailAC: :33 < that was diffurent!!
AC: :33 < you were flushed fur her!
AC: :33 < meowrails have to be honest with each other, and you cant be a good meowrail if youre withholding a big secret like that!
AC: :33 < and after being trapped in the wrong quadrant fur so long, you start to build up a resentment that just poisons the whole thing
AC: :33 < its the same thing that happened with kanaya and vwiskers!
AC: :33 < but if your heart is in the right place, a meowrallegiance is the greatest thing in the world!
AC: :33 < if you could have something like me and equius have, youd be a meowllion times happier, i guarant33 it!CA: yeah
CA: i guess thatd be nice
CA: havvin somebody that gavve a shit about me enough to threaten to removve somebodys protein chute for deignin to survveil upon me wwithout my express consentAC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < theres a little more to it than that, but yeahCA: but wwho wwould be stupid enough to wwant to take a crack at my ludicrously ovverstuffed emotional baggage like that
CA: besides you a courseAC: :33 < hey!!!
AC: :33 < i was coerced into this!CA: yeah yeah fair fuckin pointAC: :33 < well, lets s33
AC: :33 < what about karkitty?
AC: :33 < you two are furiends or something, arent you?CA: yeah kar and i havve a good thing goin
CA: wwell wwe used to anywway
CA: wwed talk about our problems an all the trials an tribulations a the quadrants
CA: but after the wwhole thing wwith fef i probably talked his fins off so much that hed probably rather kill me than hear another fuckin wwordAC: :33 < well, he might be willing to give you a chance!CA: nah id rather he didnt
CA: i feel kinda bad for evven wwhinin to him the wway i did
CA: sides hed probably just givve me shit about it constantlyAC: :33 < h33 h33! fair enough!
AC: :33 < hmmmmm
AC: :33 < kanaya, maybe?CA: wwell
CA: i talked to kan evvery noww and then before the game
CA: but i wwas alwways just carpin to her about vvris an fef
CA: nevver really gavve any consideration to her problems an im pretty sure she fuckin kneww it
CA: i dont sea wwhy shed think things are any different nowwAC: :33 < but things are different now!
AC: :33 < you and vwiskers arent kismesisses anymore
AC: :33 < and now youre trying to get over fefurry, not get with her!CA: i guess
CA: i just think itd be a little uncomfortable
CA: wwe both had flushcrushes on our moirails but she got hers an i ruined all chances a gettin mineAC: :33 < oh, i didnt even think about that...CA: anywway the last thing kan wwants to hear is me wwhinin about fef
CA: an i strongly suspect thats the vvast majority a wwhat any givven feelins jam is gonna consist ofAC: :33 < hmmmm
AC: :33 < this is harder than i thought it would be!CA: nep youre highly underestimatin the amount a bridges ivve burned in my short life in this univverse
CA: at this point im just a lone man on an island ringed wwith a thousand burnin bridges
CA: the barrier a charred debris is so thick that evven the mightiest vvessel could nevver breach it
CA: no man can evver reach the shores so i havve only an endless stream of pissed off angels to keep me company
CA: so here ill sit killin em and swwillin faygo for the rest a my days
CA: until i inevvitably go blind from diabetesAC: :33 < h33 h33 h33!! X33
AC: :33 < you paint a purretty bleak picture, eridan
AC: :33 < but i dont think its that bad!CA: wwell it kinda fuckin isAC: :33 < can i ask you a question though?CA: shootAC: :33 < whats with the whole faygo thing?
AC: :33 < i dont remember it being a thing that existed befurCA: wwell i wwas thirsty an it just so happened some moron flung a bottle a the stuff into the ocean
CA: an it just so happened to reach my hivve at that vvery serendipitous moment so i gavve it a shotAC: :33 < serendipitous?CA: alright alright itd been sittin around for a wwhile
CA: i only evven drank it at gams urgin
CA: i thought itd taste like seagoat discharge but honestly its just soda
CA: ivve been concoctin some new flavvors by futzin wwith the alchemiter and a feww of em are actually pretty damn decentAC: :33 < why were you taking refureshment advice from gamz33?CA: wwell i wwas tryin to reach kar but he was busy with some important game business or wwhatevver
CA: so i talked to gam and somehoww the topic drifted to faygo
CA: big fuckin surprise there am i rightAC: :33 < hey, i didnt even think about gamz33!
AC: :33 < what if he was your meowrail?CA: wwhat
CA: are you fuckin seariousAC: :33 < sure, why not?CA: because itd be an entire fuckin relationship built upon soda are you fuckin kiddin meAC: :33 < well, think about it!
AC: :33 < you n33d someone to talk to about your purroblems
AC: :33 < but nopawdy is willing to listen, right?CA: not anybody i can fuckin think of
CA: cept
CA: except a fuckin sopor addled clowwn wwhos nevver had any fuckin problem just sittin dowwn an lettin any motherfucker speww their fuckin wwords at himAC: :33 < exactly!CA: ugh i cant believve im actually considerin this
CA: wwhy wwould i evver wwant to be palepals wwith a slime eatin buffoon wwho cant hold a train a thought for fivve minutes wwithout zonin out
CA: the guys a disgrace to highbloods evverywwhereAC: :33 < s33, this is good!
AC: :33 < youre actually concerned about him!CA: wwhoa wwho said i wwas fuckin concerned
CA: i just dont wwant the guy to be such a complete fuckup is allAC: :33 < well, then you have two reasons to be meowrails!
AC: :33 < he can help you with your relationship purroblems
AC: :33 < and you can help him not be such a complete fuckup!CA: i
CA: hrm
CA: wwell i guess hes not gonna shape up all on his fuckin owwn
CA: an i guess nobody else is linin up to be his fuckin moirail
CA: or mine for that matter
CA: ah the hell wwith it
CA: im wwillin to givve it a shot if he isAC: :33 < thats great!!!
AC: :33 < tell you what
AC: :33 < ill set up a shipping sw33p with him right now
AC: :33 < and if hes willing, i can set you two up fur a f33lings jam!CA: alright fine
CA: actually im gonna step awway from the grubtop for a wwhile
CA: breww up some neww faygo vvarieties or somethin i dont knowwAC: :33 < okay, sure!
AC: :33 < ill just talk to you later!CA: hey uh nep
CA: before you goAC: :33 < yeah?CA: thanks for all this
CA: i mean tryin to help me an allAC: :33 < hey, its no purroblem!CA: no it kind of fuckin wwas a problem
CA: ivve been bein a huge piece a shit and i guess i just needed somebody to point it out to meAC: :33 < youre not a piece of shit, eridanCA: nepAC: :33 < okay, you kind of are a piece of shitCA: ok there wwe goAC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < anyway, you just n33d a little help
AC: :33 < none of us are really bad people, eridan
AC: :33 < we just n33d help sometimesCA: evven youAC: :33 < yes, even me!CA: ok
CA: wwell hey
CA: if you evver need to just completely lose your shit and flip out at somebody feel free to come to meAC: :33 < what?CA: look nep you cant be nice a hundred percent a the fuckin time
CA: i can sea the fuckin maelstrom a fury blowwin under that swweet an innocent mien a yours
CA: you cant keep that shit bottled up forevver it fucks wwith your head
CA: so if you evver feel like lettin loose wwith an unholy tempest a rage like the one you spat at me ten minutes ago id alwways be happy to entertain it
CA: im lookin again at that rant an its fuckin beautiful to beholdAC: :33 < um
AC: :33 < okaaaaaaaaaay?CA: just tryin to help nep
CA: think about itAC: :33 < ill k33p in mind, i guess!
AC: :33 < though im not really sure itll be necessaryCA: are you pawwsitivveAC: :33 < oh, im ferry certain ind33d!CA: this isnt going to become a compurrtition is itAC: :33 < i shore hope naut!
AC: :33 < im a little out of my depth when it comes to ocean puns
AC: :33 < im a fish out of water, you could sayCA: wwell the cats out a the bag noww
CA: may as wwell admit im not furry good at cat puns eitherAC: :33 < youre fine!
AC: :33 < anyway ill go talk to gamz33
AC: :33 < and i guess ill talk to you sometime after thatCA: yeah ill just hit you up wwhen im done wwith this shitAC: :33 < okay, talk to you later, eridan!CA: yeah bye