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Viktor Yanukovych: As the final days of the winter Olympics in Sochi run down, beleagured Ukrainian President Viktor Yanykovych has cracked down harshly on protesters in the capital of Kiev, with dozens feared dead. Yanukovych's pro-Russian government has been steadfastly backed by his friends in the east, and some suspect that his meeting with Putin during the Sochi opening ceremonies was an ominous precursor to the violence.

Joe Biden: Ol' Diamond Joe owes some Chechen gangsters about 800 feet of copper wire. Also, he needs someplace to crash for a week or two. He'll be really chill about it and will even chip in for a 24-pack of Milwaukee's Best and some good bud, if you're down.

Alexander Bortnikov: Head of Russia's Federal Security Bureau (FSB), formerly the KGB. When someone turns up suspiciously dead in London, it's probably best not to ask him too many questions about it.

Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands: His special diplomatic year together with Putin went very, very badly. At one point "there was a non-stop campaign on Russian TV showing Holland to be a modern Sodom and Gomorrah, run by paedophiles and hashish dealers."

Katya:Very little is known about Putin's daughters ... but rest assured that they live very, very luxurious lives.