I feel helpless there’s nothing I can do,I can’t see myself getting through,A big cloud has come along and blocked the future I could see,So i’m left wondering if this is how it’ll always be.

I’ve lost reality and lost control of life, now I can’t maintain this grip,Everytime I take a step forward I feel myself slip,Slip back into this hole that i’ve come to know so well,I need to look back and find where it was I fell.

Everything down here is so dark and so cold,This isn’t the future that i’d been told,I feel so confused and all alone,And I can’t see how i’ve killed all that had grown.

I’ve pushed and pushed and pushed away,Until noone has energy left to stay,Am I really all to blame,I think this is a mind game.

I can’t laugh and I can’t smile,I constantly feel like i’m on trial,What did I do that was so bad,To take away the life I had.

I have no energy left to fight,I’m too exhausted to see what’s right,I give up as I have nothing left to give,This is no way for someone to live.

It wasn’t my choice to be this way,But it’s me that suffers everyday,I’m the one being punished, the one hurting all the time,I feel like i’m prisoner for some sort of crime.

Tell it I don’t want to play anymore,Tell it I give up being stuck behind this locked door,Let me out, set me free,This isn’t how I want to be.

This is the first time i’ve wrote a post like this, or any kind for that matter. I was just browsing the internet before when I came across all of this blogging ‘stuff’. So bare with me please if my writing isn’t up to a very good standard.

I thought this a good place to share thoughts/feelings of what has taken over my life, I see other people have spent time doing so, and apparently by using this as a way to get things off their minds helps. So here goes,

I read a post from a woman who was talking us through her problem with bi-polar and the fears she had of making it public as it had gotten to a stage where she was unable to keep it unnoticed, she had to go into work one morning and discuss with her boss/supervisor the problems she had and also further problems that could arise during/outside of work. But, they were all accepting and willing to be as helpful and supportive as possible when/where they could. I could relate as I have had similar issues…

I’m 19, and i’ve suffered with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder), severe anxiety,and severe depression for about 3 years now, unfortunately having the first disorder tends to role all 3 in together and becomes a vicious circle. It may only be 3 years of the 19 I have lived, but to be honest it feels like a life time, especially seeing as i have become stuck in such a hole that i’m unable to really remember the ‘normal’ life I led before all this happened to me.

It took a year of being ashamed to admit to myself there was even a problem, and after a few trips to the doctors I quickly gave up seeking help, as i’d had no real advice given, i’d just been fobbed off with “read this book.” “Read this leaflet.” “It’s just a phase”, I think it was due to how young I was, they weren’t aware of the severity of the problem and just saw me as a young attention seeking drama queen maybe?

Anyway, I had a trip out with my dad’s side of the family, it was a tradition, something we all did together every year, and during my time there I noticed I was getting really hot, I started to feel quite dizzy, dehydrated, shakey, sweaty, and so on… so I went outside for air, and when this didn’t cool me down at all, I became more worried, I tried playing on my phone, looking at plants and so on to take my mind of these weird feelings I was having, but it wasn’t working, I could feel my heart beat increasing, and soon after I felt I was going to pass out, I sat in the cafe and got a drink, by this time, I was drenched in sweat, I was pale, I had no idea what was happening to me, I was hyper ventilating, I started feeling tingling all over my body, I reached out for my drink to find I couldn’t move my fingers, they were stuck in a ‘claw like’ shape. so now i’m worrying more. Anyway to skip all the more boring parts, it ended with me unable to move my body at all and an ambulance being called – they were unable to come. I was stuck for atleast half an hour, and I have to admit it was one of the most scariest things in my entire life – so far. It turned out it was a panic attack, a bad one. So I returned to the doctors, yet again, another leaflet.

Few months on and i’d lost weight enormously, stopped eating, isolated myself and stopped going anywhere, unable to find the courage to, and unable to find any motivation.

I rang my doctors, and made an appointment with a dr who’d seen me years ago, when I was a child, straight away he referred me, to the mental health team, who then referred me to a therapist, counsellor, and so on.

It’s now been 2 years since i’ve been receiving different types of help, and medication, and even though things have improved they’re nowhere near ‘normal’.

I’ve lost a lot of people on my journey through discovering my illness, partly my fault I must admit, due to not leaving the house, not answering the phone or the door and other things, but I also feel that a lot of my so-called ‘friends’ could have been a lot more supportive, undertstanding and helpful as opposed to just realising I wasn’t the friend they wanted anymore, and they just left me. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have hardly any friends, i’m glad, because i’ve lost the ones I never needed is the way I look at it, and if they weren’t there for me when I needed them more than ever, then I don’t want them in my life now.

I’ve had a lot of fear of telling people what’s going on with me, because I can’t fully understand it myself, so I find it hard to tell others, but I was fed up of having to let people down all the time, fed up of being called lazy, boring, stupid, all of those things, So about 8months ago I told the world, I decided they could either accept me or reject me for it, i’d tried but there was no way around it, told them all I had Ptsd, I was scared of everyday things, simple tasks – such as just leaving my home alone, talking to people, I was scared to live, I used to have so many ambitions, targets, and things I wanted to do, but that’s all I can remember of my past, before I was taken over by my mental health, I cry and I shout, I throw things, I stay in bed, I don’t get dressed, I don’t work, I don’t go anywhere, I have a life I don’t want. I’ve turned into a person I dislike a lot, and I know a lot of people dislike the way it makes me act, but they know I’m unable to control myself anymore, if I could helep it I would, if people genuinely care for you, they’ll stick around no matter what this throws at you, and help as much as possible, because when they learn to understand, that’s when they’ll know – The monster’s got me.