We're close to the end of our fight

MichelleP

Posts: 254
Joined: May 2009

Oct 02, 2009 - 4:26 pm

Hubby was diagnosed in March 09 with lung cancer. We have both been fighting this as hard as we possible could. He's been admitted to the hospital 6 times since February with pneumonia. I went to visit him this morning and was surrounded by doctors, nurses and hospice. Nothing more can be done they say. He's being transported by ambulance home tomorrow since our oxygen will only go to # 5 and he is on #10.

Hospice says they are taking care of everything and will be here on a daily basis to help me. (we'll see). I told them I can't stand the idea of him suffocating and they said that as it progresses they will give him morphine. He can barely move and is trapped in that bed :(

He doesn't know it's hospice. I'm afraid of his anxiety level because he can't breath when he gets like that. Xanax should help.

We've never really discussed his death. He's always been the kind of person who keeps painful issues inside. I keep thinking that we NEED to talk....to say the things we feel and to just say...."I'll see ya".......never say goodbye.

Hospice will be there every day if that is what you want.
The morphine will be great - it will help with the breathing, too (strange but true).
Lorazepam - or other anti-anxiety medicine - would be helpful for him, too.
I hope that your last moments are long...and wonderful.
Fatima

I wished my husband and i talked more at the end but he did not want to talk about his death or any thing else about his dying (funeral and stuff like that) I wished he had wrote me a leter or a note but he hated writing so that was out I just stayed with him and told him i loved him and did what ever he needed. I know my husband was so scared at the end and in so much pain. i can still see him lying there in pain. it will be 6 months on the 16 that he passed away and to me it was like yesterday. Please know that you and your husband are in my prayers..
michelle

I am so sorry that the end is coming. As you probably know my husband is also on hospice. I am very lucky that we have had six years to come to grips with this, but I don't think you ever really get it until toward the end. Just talk to him and tell him the important things like I love you. Let hospice do as much as they can. My prayers are with you and your family. Prayers for love, peace, and strength. Fay

I suspect strongly that you knew the day was coming, coming soon in fact, even if you wanted to put it off. That does not make it any easier, I know. (Actually, it WILL make it easier, Michelle, in the long run, even if you aren't worrying about anything like that at the moment, and I know you aren't.)

Regarding the technical details, I would hope that you end up pleased with the help of the folks from the hospice place. If you are ever NOT happy with them, you need to make an immediate call to the organization requesting that so-and-so is no longer welcome in your home and that you want a suitable replacement. It happens. Sometimes you get a dud. It happens.

But understand, Michelle, that you are going to be in a place where no one can do right and try to cut some slack accordingly if you can.

As for hub's anxiety, frankly, Michelle, I think the morphine will take care of that all by itself. He is apt to have ups and downs, in terms of alertness, he is apt to have ups and downs in terms of mood. But it is likely that he will fall into a state of stupor if he is not already in one, before too long, based on your comments here and previously.

Definitely ask the hospice folks and whomever else you are dealing with about the prospects of anxiety and how to deal with it, but I have a strong feeling that the morphine will handle the situation.

That said: talk to him now, Michelle. It sounds as though it is time to deal with the nasty word (death). He will know that, I suspect, Michelle; you are probably the late one coming to that table, understandably so.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have been terrified since I spoke with one of the doctors this morning telling me that "in the end" he will slowly lose the ability to breath. I kept thinking....my God...what a terrible way to leave this world. I posted this question on the cancergrace site and they helped me to understand that with the morphine it will come peacefully.

Joe, I was hoping that you would reply to this post. I know I can always count on you my friend for words of advice. And I plan to have our "talk" when he comes home and all is calm. I keep thinking that I don't want to be alone with all the what-if questions when the process is complete. There are so many things I want him to know...I want to tell him how proud I am of his courage and endurance through this battle. We have been fighting with everything we have and the cancer is winning, but that we will indeed be together again soon. I will never say good-bye....just "until we meet again my love".

YOU HANG IN THERE MY LADY AND AS FAR AS SAYING THE WRONG THINGS ARE NOT SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL I HOPE THIS HELPS OUR SON PASSED ON THE 17 OF SEPT AT 28 AND ALL WE COULD SAY TO HIM EVERY DAY WAS THAT WE WHERE PROUD OF HIM AND THAT WE LOVE HIM AND WE WILL BE OK WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT DEATH EITHER WE FELT IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD HAVE SO WE JUST HAD CONVERSATIONS HE WANTED TO HAVE. SO YOU LET HIM KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU WANT TO TELL HIM AND BELIEVE ME HE WILL TAKE IT TO HEART AND HE IS PROUD OF YOU FOR STANDING BY HIS SIDE AND ENDURING WITH HIM WE DONT SAY THE CANCER WON WE SAY THEY HAVE COMPLETED THERE TASKED THEY HAVE DONE A JOB WELL DONE AND THEY ARE ABOUT TO TAKE THERE REST AND ITS US WHO HAVE TO GO ON AND TO STAY STRONG AND PRAY WE R AS SRTONG AS THEY ARE WHEN LIFE THROW US A CURVE AND ALWAYS TO ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO KEEP GOING AND YOU R RIGHT NEVER GOODBYE BUT C YA LATER HE NOT GONE YET SO EVERYDSAY YOU HAVE WITH HIM YOU MAKE THE BEST OF IT OUR SON WENT PEACEFULLY HE JUST WENT TO SLEEP HE ALSO HAD TROUBLE BREATHING AND ETC BUT WITH THE MEDS AND ETC HE DID OK WE WHERE THERE WITH HIM AND GOD JUST LET HIM FALL ASLEEP HE COULDNT SPEAK WITH HIS VOICE BUT HE DID WITH HIS EYES AND THAT WAS ENOUGH FOR ME HE SAY WITH THEM MUM ITS TIME FOR ME TO TAKE MY REST AND HE DID.
YOU STAY STRONG AND U HANG IN THERE IT DOESNT GET EASIER TO WATCH THEM ABOUT TO GO TO THE
OTHER SIDE BUT YOU WILL HAVE A PEACE ABOUT IT LOVE FROM THE STL.
SORRY I NOT JOE LOL BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU R GOING THROUGH.AND I AM ALWAYS HERE.

I just happened to see your post as I was checking my messages and just had to stop and say how sorry I am to hear about what you are going through.

I juat want to encourage you to say all the things you want to say to your husband in support and love, don't hold back. Let me talk as he feels able and it would be a good idea to talk to hospice or a counsellor or minister you trust to get suggestions for how to proceed at this stage.

I wish I had wiser and more specific ways of helping you but know that this is sent with care and support. Hugs Michelle. My prayers are with you, your husband and all those you care about at this difficult time. Blessings, Bluerose

Michelle, I am so sorry to hear that your husband is not doing well. Unfortunately I do not have any words of wisdom that will help you, I just wanted to let you know that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi Michelle,
I'm so sorry to hear of your husband's iminent death. I was with my Dad when he passed from pneumonia nbecause of lung cancer. The Morphine will help, a lot, so will a fan set to blow a gentle breeze so he can feel it around his face.
My Dad wasn't able to speak either at the end, but I managed to say all the things I needed to say, and I know he heard and understood me because he squeezed my hand whenever I talked to him.
I did tell him that it was OK for him to go, and that we would all be OK, and take care of our Mother, also that we loved him very much, and would see him again.
He died very peacefully, with no panic, or any other indication that he was in any discomfort at all.
DennisR

Hospice has sent a nurse to sit with my husband for the next 12 hrs. can you believe this? I am so amazed with the compassion from them. I haven't left the home for anything other than doctors appts since February.

I'll keep you updated soon, but right now I just want to hit a bed and sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Michelle
I am so sorry to hear your husband has taken a turn for the worse. I too do not profess to have words of wisdom. However, I think you need to do whatever it will take for you to have fewer regrets. When my husband had a further op in May 09 he spent quite a number of days in the ICU. It was touch and go for a few days. I then sent a message to all of his good friends to let them know the diagnosis and what was going on. He initially got upset but I explained to him that those of us left behind will be the ones with the hardest task...the task of going on without him and so I felt everyone who knew and loved him deserved a chance to say goodbye if thats what felt right. At least I don't bear the burden of excluding anyone. Our bond has become so much stronger in the last few months because we have taken the time to say the things we both always thought we'd have time for later. Although we still fight the good fight I know I have left nothing unsaid so should anything happen unexpectedly I will hopefully have fewer regrets.
Know that I am thinking of you and wishing both of you the very best.

Hospice has been just wonderful so far. They sent a nurse to spend the night and she pretty much told me to "leave and rest". Didn't really happen for long because I ended up having the worst nightmare of my life and woke up soaked with perspiration.

The nurse told me that they were told my husband has about two weeks at the most. I didn't want to believe that, but taking the time to observe (without emotions) I could see how weak he truly is. I took him some food and he couldn't even hold the spoon for himself. It breaks my heart to see him lose his dignity by having to use a bed pan. And now they have me giving him morphine to ease the suffering that comes with suffocation. I'm lost...heartbroken and wonder why....why???

Hi Michelle. My husband passed away from lung cancer years ago at the young age of 39. He was at home as he requested and I also used the assistance of Hospice. They were wonderful, not only to my husband, but to me as well. He, too was on morphine at the time. Just to hopefully set your mind at ease, there is no gasping for breath or anything like that at the end. It was simply a deep final breath. I wish you strength in going through your final days with your husband. Just talk with him and love him. We're all here to support you in any way we can. Take care.

Michelle- I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I have been following your posts. You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I know there are no words of comfort that can take away the pain. I just want you to to know I am thinking of you and your husband.
Junklady

I saw my father pass with cancer and the morphine allows them to pass with no pain and he too had difficulty breathing until the morphine was introduced. Hospice are wonderful individuals that truly care about the patient and the family surrounding the patient. You have done your part and a lot more being caregiver to your husband. Simply tell him how you feel and have always felt and it will be fine....Im sorry that you have to go through this and my heart goes out to you....{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}..........Clift

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