Attachment parenting: Is it imprisoning?

A recent Wall Street Journal op-ed presents what might be the strongest argument ever against attachment parenting. Writer Erica Jong has single-handedly reignited the discussion over co-sleeping, sling-wearing, breastfeeding, cloth-diapering, and dozens of other hot-button parenting issues (that we’re all so tired of arguing over).

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Parents who practice attachment parenting often carry their babies in a sling.

Over the weekend the Wall Street Journal ran an op-ed piece by Erica Jong, a 68-year-old woman who is known for her provocative essays and strong opinions. In it, Jong attacks modern day motherhood and makes the case that we’re all imprisoned by our hyper-attentive, overly obsessive ways of raising kids. Cloth diapering, packing lunches in reusable bags, picking the perfect preschool, signing our children up for music, dance, sports–all of these things that we’re doing to be the best-ever parents are weighing us down. (She definitely has a point here…)

Attachment parenting comes up a lot in this story–and Jong argues that this popular parenting style is yet another ball and chain. More precisely, she argues that mothers are burdened by a pressure to adopt the exhaustive requirements that go along with attachment parenting.

The Dr. Sears Baby Book is the bible for attachment parenting.

“Attachment parenting” is a child-rearing style that encourages new parents to give their babies around-the-clock attention. It’s best described in the The Baby Book by William and Martha Sears who are known as the “attachment parenting” gurus.

Moms who practice the “Sears method” are known for carrying their kids around in slings, breastfeeding at all hours of the night, and sleeping with their babies snuggled up in bed. The idea is that moms are “attached” to their little ones at all times so they have a deeper connection with their children than moms who are “detached” from their babies and, say, put their babies in a crib.

Jong strongly argues that having a baby physically attached to you at all times is a burden: “Attachment parenting, especially when combined with environmental correctness, has encouraged female victimization. Women feel not only that they must be ever-present for their children but also that they must breast-feed, make their own baby food and eschew disposable diapers. It’s a prison for mothers, and it represents as much of a backlash against women’s freedom as the right-to-life movement.”

Jong goes on to say: “So it seems we have devised a new torture for mothers–a set of expectations that makes them feel inadequate no matter how passionately they attend to their children.” In other words, if you don’t breastfeed, you feel guilty.

Not surprisingly, co-sleeping, baby-wearing breastfeeding advocates are up in arms and defending their ways.

A NY Times‘ Motherlode blog excerpts a rebuttal from Attachment Parenting book author Katie Allison Granju and blogger Jillian St. Charles: “I do not sleep with my baby because some ‘guru’ told me I should. In fact, lots of experts continue to tell women that we absolutely should NOT do this very thing. No, I sleep with my baby because after a day spent away from her at work, I enjoy feeling her snuggled next to us at night. And while I feel guilty about a whole lot of things as a mother — as Jong admits she also does in her essay — I don’t feel one iota of guilt about my decision to breastfeed or spend plenty of time with my kids. I am not imprisoned by my parenting. I enjoy it, most of the time.”

This is all of interest to me because the Baby Book was my parenting bible. It was passed off to me by a friend of a friend when I was a young, scared, impressionable first-time mom. None of my close friends had babies and so this book served as my guide.

I have to disagree with Jong and say that there’s nothing imprisoning about attachment parenting–at least I never felt burdened by it. Actually I used to joke that attachment parenting was for lazy parents. I never could have exerted the effort required to put a baby down in a crib and sleep train. It was so much easier to just bring my baby to bed at night and throw her in a sling for naps. Staying at home with a napping baby is what seems imprisoning. What’s more, mixing formula and warming, washing, and sterilizing bottles always seemed like such a bothersome chore (although I understand that some moms don’t have a choice and can only bottle feed).

Also, I liked attachment parenting because it reaffirmed my instincts as a mom. My parents co-slept with me so I naturally wanted to do it with my baby. I can see how attachment parenting might not be the right fit for all moms. Some moms get stressed out by sleeping with their babies because they fear rolling on top of them. And if these moms co-slept only because they felt societal pressure then that would be imprisoning.

But I think moms are smarter than that. There are all sorts of ways to raise kids, none of them are necessarily right or wrong, and moms know to pick the parenting style that’s suited to them. There’s no sense in making baby food if you’re a nervous cook. Why submit yourself to such torture? I skipped over that chapter in the Baby Book.

Did you practice attachment parenting with your kids? Did you find it imprisoning? Did you feel pressure to use the attachment parenting method?