The Funny Thing Is…

The funny thing is…I don’t know if I can put lyme disease in the past tense. My nerves still buzz and vibrate. Sometimes. But no where near like they used to. Is it active lyme or long term damage? Can I say I HAD lyme? Or do I say I HAVE lyme still? Dunno. And feeling a little unsettled. Can’t help but feel nervous about what might still be in Borrelia’s book of tricks.

The funny thing is…It takes a village to treat a lyme patient. And ever since I stopped seeing my ND, my MD, my other ND, and my chiro for lyme…I miss them. I miss the security of the mini army behind me. And the bonds with people I could count on and trust.

The funny thing is…I still feel like I can’t keep up. With other people. With the things outside of my norm or routine. With the social circles and socializing. With the business meetings. I get run down and sick so easily. Is it lymehaustion? Or just a tired working mom? And why does it matter? I feel I would push myself more if it’s just being tired. But If there’s a chance lyme is still there, I would be easier on myself and take it easy.

The funny thing is…Now I feel nervous about NOT having the constant vibrating and tingling sensations. They became a part of me. I don’t feel normal now that they are mostly gone. Panic attacks for NOT feeling my symptoms? This disease is so messed up. It really screws with your psyche!!!

The funny thing is…I’ve wondered if I should still belong to my lyme support group. Wait, of course I should dammit. I love my courageous comrades and want to pull them up with me. But weird that I would pause to wonder if I still belong. Of course I do. Lymies have a brotherhood/ sisterhood. As active soldiers OR veterans. Right?

The funny thing is…I still feel like I’m in no man’s land. Which is what I felt before I knew what my bizarre symptoms were. Then how I felt when I had a diagnosis but before I had a support group of people like bizarre little me. And now it’s what I feel on the flip side of this journey. Having been treated…and released…like an uncaged bird. I guess I’m just scared to smash into that window. Hard.

The funny thing is…I still have sudden moments of vertigo. But I’m not sure if it’s real vertigo or “remembered” vertigo. Sometimes I feel like it’s just a reflex of mine to suddenly “catch” myself if standing in place for too long. Or it’s like my body and reflexes mistake any head and eye movements for being off balance. This probably goes back to Borrelia fraying some of my wiring! My body has a hard time to trust…itself.

The funny thing is…I feel like a jetliner in a holding pattern. Why do I feel this way?? Why can’t I just get the turbo engines going and fly full speed ahead, and leave lyme and all the what ifs behind me?? Truthfully, for the most part I can. It’s just that sometimes my psyche needs some “maintenance”!!!

The funny thing is…I can still find ways to write about how this disease continues to have influence in my life. Whether still there or not!