Tuesday, April 18

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

When life and work have you down, sometimes there's nothing like a good ol' vacation to put things into perspective. The bullet points below detail some of the perspective I have gained over the last five days. Hopefully, we can all learn a little from my tragic holiday:

You really, really should drink at least a liter of water after a massage. They're not kidding. Really.

Dehydration and the stomach flu make horrific vacation companions.

While on vacation and dealing with said conditions, a bar with no cover is no more attractive an option than it was at home.

The blackjack dealers are not there to make you feel better during your brief nursing breaks.

The amount of desire you have to attend a show is in direct and immediate opposite correlation to the probability that you will actually see said show.

It is likely that the hotel is not kidding when they say that the mini-bar has sensors and that they will charge you $4.50 every time you open the fridge door regardless of if you consume their exorbinant wares.

The little $3.00 bottles of Powerade (the only available alternative treatment to an uninsured hospital visit), that you thought were expensive when you found them down the hall in the vending machine, almost triple in price when you store them in your room's sensor-riddled fridge.

Regardless of how aware people are of your preferences for sleeping through the morning on weekends and/or vacations, they will continue to call you whenever they damn well please.

Losing your glasses does not, on its own merit, ruin a vacation.

The amount of desire you have to sleep on the plane is in direct and immediate opposite correlation to the probability that you will actually be allowed by the twiggy blonde bitch sitting next to you to sleep.

Just because you parked your car safely at the airport, does not mean it will start upon your return.

Just because you managed to get said car started, does not mean it will not conk out 10 minutes later.

Don't even get me started on the correlation between amount of time you have before your anatomy final and the probability of the tow truck arriving.

"Safety recall" is just another euphamism for "milking you for $500" at Infiniti.

The feline version of a "Welcome Home" banner includes polka-dotting the living room floor with 5 days worth of regurgitated meals. (You know, in case you didn't see enough of that on your vacation).