I’ve heard it said “when a gay child comes out of the closet, the parents go into theirs.” It’s true. I spent five years in “that closet” tending to my heart that was willing to fully embrace my son while wrestling with my faith and the spiritual implications that condemned him.

My name is Sara Cunningham and my son Parker is gay. He officially came out to me when I was in the middle of a personal split from a church I called home for 20 years and at the same time the world’s attention was on the Gay/Human Rights conflict between the Church and State.

I now know what it feels like to be walking in the wilderness in the form of alienation from church and society and searching for the Promised Land in the form of hope and acceptance.

It took me five years to go on a twenty block journey that started at the church located at NW 16th and Villa and ended at the Pride Parade at NW 39th and Penn. I was longing for the Lord’s favor and found that it never left me or my son. It was at Oklahoma City Pride parade that I stood alongside my husband in support of our gay son that inspired the writings of the last chapter in my book “How We Sleep at Night – A mother’s memoir”.

Some pivotal moments in coming to terms with accepting my gay child included:

1. Seeing others accept my son when I couldn’t or wouldn’t.

2. Hearing my son say the words “I’ve sucked it up for 21 years being your son and now I need you to suck it up and be my mom.”

3. Realizing that no one has searched the Scriptures, the heart of God or themselves more than the LGBTQ Christian or their mother.

Today I am not only the proud, loving Mom of an LGBTQ child, I hope to be a powerful advocate and ally.

I offer “Free Mom Hugs” at Pride parades and am committed to putting a face on the Transgender community, one that I consider to be precious and most misunderstood.

My first-born son, Conner, came into this world with big blue eyes that took in everything. Every early picture we have of him is of his big eyes looking at the world and taking it all in. Even as a toddler, he wasn’t one to rush into a room of other toddlers; he would stand at the door and watch the activity before deciding where to go first. Around the age of three, we began seeing signs that were more on the artistic side. He liked basketball and hitting the baseball, but he would rather sit and play quietly or color. He didn’t like loud noises or rough housing. My parents made comments then about him possibly being gay, but who worries about that when their child is a toddler? I pushed it to the back of my mind.

We enrolled Conner in Kindergarten at a small, neighborhood Christian School. It was an Evangelical Methodist School and I didn’t think much of it. I knew it was more of a conservative faith than what I had previously attended, but it didn’t raise any red flags. (If only I knew now what I was so innocent of then!) Everyone was very welcoming and friendly, and I thought we were very lucky to live so close to such a wonderful, private, Christian school. After my youngest entered the First grade, I began working as a substitute teacher at the school. A couple of years later, I began working as a Teaching Aide, and then as a Teacher. Around the time Conner began 8th grade, we started attending the church at the school so that I could take a teaching position there.

I thoroughly enjoyed teaching at the school, but wasn’t altogether comfortable with some of the Bible lessons that were in the curriculum. I’ll never forget one story was about a young boy in Africa that had never heard about God, but because he couldn’t see the glory of God all around him and accept God as his Savior, he was going to Hell. One wide-eyed student asked me if that was true. I felt deep inside my heart that it was most certainly not true, but I just nodded. I’ll never forget the look on her face. It was as if I told her that her parents were not really her parents. All of the wonderful attributes she believed about God went out the window. She now saw a God that was unforgiving and unfair. It was at that moment that my faith in what this school and church believed was not what I believed about a loving God, but who was I to question what these Bible educated people said? This was just one example of my faith in the school starting to crumble.

This is a legalistic, fundamental church. I didn’t really understand what this meant in the beginning, but now I can tell you that it means following rules and judging those who don’t follow the rules! I began contemplating leaving the church which meant leaving my job. It just so happened that two weeks before Conner started 11th grade, he came out to me. He had been really sick all summer, was depressed and cutting, and had many physical ailments that we came to believe were from Chronic Lyme Disease. He was being treated with many medicines to combat this disease, and was seeing a Psychologist for the depression and cutting. Having told the Psychologist that he is gay, he felt more confident giving me that answer when I asked him. I had asked him if he was gay a couple of times in the past, to which he always denied. One time, when he was in ninth grade (and dating a girl), he made an offhanded comment while riding in the car, that he once thought he was gay, but now he knew he wasn’t. I think I grabbed on to that like a life raft. I have a dear friend, who is gay, and I know the trials he has faced because of it, and I didn’t want my sweet son to have to endure any of those prejudices. I know now that he was testing the waters to gauge my reaction. What I should have said was, “It doesn’t matter if you’re gay. You are who God made you to be, special in every way.” I don’t remember saying anything heinous, but because I felt such relief, I let it go without further discussion.

In addition to Conner coming out, I received a call from the principal of the school about a week before school began, explaining that enrollment was low, and would I consider moving up to the high school building to teach computer classes? Of course, I agreed and fervently read the computer manuals in preparation for the new school year with a very heavy heart. I tried to convince Conner to change schools and not continue to go to a school where homosexuality was preached as a choice, a sin, and therefore, an abomination to God. Conner wasn’t comfortable in new situations or with new people and decided that he would tough it out for the next two years. He was a very good student with great grades, a member of the Honor Society, active in the plays, and never a discipline problem. His teachers liked him because he was an easy student to teach, kind, and compassionate. He didn’t have a lot of friends, just a couple of really good friends who were mostly girls.

Looking back, I see God’s hand in pulling us away from that church. All at once, things started to unravel, but off into the new school year we went. Conner’s symptoms of Lyme were debilitating at times; he had a hard time focusing on his work, getting the lowest grades he had ever had. Some mornings, he couldn’t get out of bed. His cutting became worse. He would spend hours and hours on the computer. Some days, he was so despondent, I couldn’t even get him to smile or engage in any kind of conversation. It was so hard to tell the difference between the symptoms of Lyme vs the symptoms of depression. How can someone not be depressed when they’ve been told for years throughout their childhood that if they have homosexual feelings they are an abomination to God?! Since I had not taught in the high school, I hadn’t attended high school chapel. Now, I attended chapel every week and was appalled at the amount of time spend condemning homosexual behavior. Conner had confided in me about the other students at the school who were gay, but hadn’t told their parents. It made me feel sick to my stomach knowing that these kids sitting in those pews hearing that God hates them! And, maybe worse, was that the straight kids were basically given permission to stand up against those who are LGBTQ and tell them they are going to Hell. The church is making bullies!

One sad day halfway through his 11th grade year, I was called into the principal’s office because of some rumors floating around about Conner. He explained that Conner had made some comments about homosexuality not being a sin, and was wondering what was going on with him. I told him that Conner was having some severe problems with depression, and that he had been struggling for some time with his sexuality, and that I was going to have pull him out of school to homeschool him. This being said, he offered to talk to Conner and show him in the Bible how he is not gay. I thanked him, but quietly refused this help. I had hit the internet hard when Conner came out to us. I read the horror stories about reparative therapy and wasn’t about to put my son through that. The principal offered to keep Conner in the school’s system; that it was like he was still coming to school only I would be teaching him the lessons and turning in his work to his teachers.

Letting Conner stay home seemed to be a mistake. Now that he didn’t have to interact at school, he seemed to become more depressed. By the beginning of March, he had become so zombie-like, and had cut his knees so deeply that I took him right to the doctor. While I sat in the exam room and watched him not even attempt to put on a good face for the doctor, I knew it was bad. The doctor asked him if he was contemplating suicide. Conner was honest and said he was. Then she asked if he had a plan, and he said he did. At that moment, she looked right at me and told me that he needed to be in a residential facility that day; that we couldn’t wait to get an appointment with a Psychiatrist. She told me she would call ahead to the hospital and let them know we were coming. She made me promise that I would go straight to the hospital. After an excruciating week in a mental health facility, Conner was back home with us, but another devastating blow was just a week away.

My husband and I got summoned to the principal’s office again. He informed us that a church member had found a Facebook page of Conner’s that had a picture of him with a “Hello Kitty” bow drawn in his hair and glitter on his cheeks. Some of his FB friends had written things about how cute he looked, but because they had used the names of “Jesus” and “God” inappropriately in their sentences, and some other inappropriate words, it was found offensive to the principal. At this point, I thought I was definitely going to Hell because, honestly, I didn’t really see anything wrong with the picture or the comments in the grand scheme of things. For goodness sake, he wasn’t making plans to blow up the school, or making comments about hating people or wishing they were dead! Such a total over-reaction! I think I totally gave up on organized religion that day. In addition, the principal said he had canvassed his fellow students who admitted they thought Conner was gay. So now this is a witch hunt?! He informed us that Conner was no longer welcome at the school; that he couldn’t be associated with them. He tried to soften this blow by telling us that if Conner were himself again, then he was welcome back to attend 12th grade. My husband and I could only look at each other and shake our heads. This is what Christians do when they don’t agree with someone; turn them away from the church? Isn’t this when Christians should be reaching out to offer support and comfort? Not once, as Conner was going through the treatment for Lyme Disease, or when he was expelled for being gay (not to mention he had not even acted on these feelings!), did the pastor of the church reach out to us. Not one person, other than the principal, reached out to us. It was like we had leprosy. People who I thought were friends, now blatantly avoided me in the grocery store. It was very hurtful, and it has been a shocking realization that you can’t count on all churched people to act like Christ just because they call themselves Christians.

So, now the despondency and severe depression turned into anger and raw determination. He was angry at the school, angry at God, angry at the doctors, probably angry at us, although he never said that. I marvel at his forgiveness for me every day. My husband never thought being gay was a choice, but I was hoping against all odds that it was, and that he would choose not to be. While I had spent the past 8 months reading everything I could on both sides of the homosexuality argument, and talking to people about their experiences, I had gone into the closet myself. I hadn’t told anyone in the family. I had told my closest friends just 2 months before. Everyone thought Conner was in the residential facility for complications of the Lyme medicine. I just wasn’t ready to combat the arguments. I wanted to feel more confident in my beliefs before I had to defend them. After how we were treated by the Christian school and the non-involvement of the church “family”, I had definitely reassessed my beliefs. I never believed homosexuals were going to Hell; the church could never make be believe that it was a good thing for any human to tell another they are going to Hell. There is only one judge, and how many times does the Bible tell us not to judge, but to love? So, when Conner was expelled from school, something inside of me exploded, and I began telling people. It really was no surprise that our friends, who went to other churches, or our un-churched friends, didn’t hesitate to tell us how much they loved and supported us, and how much they loved Conner no matter what his sexuality is. What a relief! Our family was supportive as well, although there are some I still haven’t told because of their religious beliefs.

Conner decided not to finish school, but get his GED instead. He passed this easily, even receiving a certificate for achieving such a high grade. He began classes at the community college and won a part in the college play about people struggling with addictions and disabilities. I think this really helped Conner flourish because of what he had been through. In the meantime, the parents of the few friends he had at school refused to let them have any contact with Conner now. It’s kind of comical looking back on it now. The things that church people are best at are arranging meals for the sick members of the congregation, or for those who have lost a loved one. I guess there’s nothing in the church manual about what to do if a church member is battling depression, or has come out as gay, because we never received any meals from the congregation, but when my mother passed away a few years prior, I was inundated with good meals for a week.

Now that Conner wasn’t allowed contact with his “live” friends, it was his internet friends that sustained him. The fear that I had when he had spent so much time on the computer with people he didn’t know, was replaced with gratitude that he could find people who accepted him for the loving, caring, sweet person he is, without any care about his sexuality.

All of this was four years ago and I’m a changed person. I still consider myself a Christian with a huge emphasis on Christ. I will never judge anyone; I know too well what that feels like. We all have a story and we all need to listen with a compassionate heart. To all of you who are just going through this process, please know it will get better! Conner is happy and has been in a relationship with a wonderful young man for 3 years. I have surrounded myself with other moms of LGBTQ kids, walked in a PRIDE parade, and co-founded a local PFLAG group to help others navigate through these unchartered waters. I will continue to fight for the rights of everyone with love, compassion, and understanding. I’ve learned to love first and ask questions later.

I grew up in a Southern Baptist Church. I taught every group there was to teach, sang in the choir, worked tirelessly in the youth department, and truly believed in every pat answer we were given for the “whys” within Christianity. The most hurtful and shameful part is that I swallowed the beliefs about the “gay lifestyle” hook, line and sinker. I will grieve over that for the rest of my life because this belief came through in raising my own wonderful children, and I would give anything to take a GIANT eraser and erase every careless, painful thought, statement and word from their lives. I take some solace in knowing that now that I know better, I am doing better!!

I believed these teachings fervently and, therefore, refused to allow the questions in my heart to bubble up to the surface of my soul for so very long. I saw small things in our son that may or may not lead one to think their child is gay, but since he isn’t effeminate, I kept telling myself not to stereotype. I spoke with several youth ministers about my slight concerns but didn’t find much help or insight from them. Although they were called to work with our youth, they were typically uncomfortable discussing anything to do with sexuality. The advice I remember receiving was to pray over him and “this” will go away. At home I continued to teach our children that homosexuality was wrong. If the subject came up on a television show or in a conversation I would take the opportunity to remind them. In my mind, I truly believed it was a choice.

As time went on, and our son entered college, I began to feel more uneasy about his lack of interest in dating and in girls in general. I felt something wasn’t right, but never once gave him a place of grace or mercy to lay his precious tortured soul. That still TEARS ME UP to write or say that —but it is the truth and I know it. UGH!!! Our son waited until he was 25 years old to tell us he was gay. TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD to come to his CHRISTIAN mother who PRIDED herself on ALWAYS being able to talk to young people so easily. We didn’t blow a fuse, but as much as my husband and I had discussed this possibility, it still came as quite a blow. Ultimately, in our world, his coming out of the closet meant us going in. We totally shut down for a while and found each other crying in closets and walking the floors at night with broken hearts.

We found out our son was gay on November 5th 2011, and then he came home for a visit during the Christmas holidays. I have actually laughed about this with him recently, but at the time, I was so backwards when it came to this issue that I was trying to prepare my face in the airport for the moment our eyes would meet as he walked toward me in the terminal. I had promised myself if he walked towards me in a checkered Britney Spears outfit I would run towards him. LOL!! I laugh at myself and NOT at transgender people. I was so uninformed at the time that I didn’t know the difference in gender identity and sexual orientation. I thought it was all one and the same. But when he walked off of the plane and towards me he was the same person I had always knows. He was still my very handsome 6’5″ chiseled bone structured son! He was that same ADORABLE PRECIOUS baby I was absolutely in love with from the moment he was placed in my arms. He was the same son who loved to aggravate and torture his sisters with his hilariously funny pranks. He was the same teenager who tried so desperately to find his place in this world. He was the young man who had endured a grueling schedule at a very demanding vocal program at a well-known School of the Arts. He was and IS an amazingly articulate, caring, funny, hard-working, intelligent and sensitive young man.

One night, when I was still trying hard to understand everything, he and I stayed up talking late into the night. At one point he looked at me with his penetratingly beautiful blue eyes and used two words that I have never heard him use in his entire life. He just doesn’t speak like this at all, but he frustratingly said, “Mom, if you suspected that I might be gay, why couldn’t you ever give me a place of ‘mercy or grace’ to share?” I still get cold chills when I remember that night because It wasn’t just my son speaking, but Jesus speaking through him in the only way HE knew I would ever be able to hear. From that very moment on, something began to change inside me and I began to read and study EVERYTHING I could put my hands on. Not conservative Christian literature where James Dobson says, this is a choice and has to do with the father/son relationship. Our son couldn’t have a father who loves him any more than my husband does; a father who took all of the children camping all by himself while I went back to college and even coached our son’s ball teams. There are differences in their personalities and they are not always interested in the same things, but I see MANY father/sons with different interests who aren’t gay. This theory makes no sense whatsoever and doesn’t account for single parents

As I began to study this topic, I learned that I had been VERY WRONG. I know there are people who haven’t experienced this journey with a person they are willing to die for who will continue to struggle with this issue because as much as it breaks my heart to say this, I am afraid, had I not been blessed with our son, I would still be that same person I was before–ugh! But I do have a son who is gay and it has helped me be free of that! As the majority of young people do, our son struggled with coming to terms with being gay. He NEVER CHOSE this–it’s who he is. I too am looking forward to finding a way to work with this type of ministry. It GRIEVES my heart to no end, but I want to make it very clear, that as I took this journey, there was an EVER ABIDING PRESENCE on every walk I took and every prayer I prayed. God gave me glimpses of Himself that I have never before seen. There are so many unanswered questions when it comes to Christianity, but there is one thing I KNOW with certainty … I KNOW that God LOVES all of HIS children and HIS heart aches when ours does.

Our son isn’t involved in church and my husband and I have found ourselves somewhat distant too lately. Why in the world would he want to go to a place where HE IS TURNED AWAY unless of course he denounces who he is, and why would his mother and father want to be in a place that would not accept our son for who he is—especially if, as some Christians believe, WE were the ones to make him gay? Many churches literally believe they have the right to turn one of God’s children away from GOD’S HOUSE! That is so very wrong and I believe there will be a day of reckoning over this!! How in the world are LGBT people supposed to come to know who Jesus is when they aren’t allowed on the membership roll? There is an ENTIRE generation of people running as fast as they can from knowing their creator because of Christians? WOW! I MISS church and never in a million years thought I would ever be anything but Baptist, but honestly, I just can’t do it anymore. We plan to look for a church where you can be made in any shape and fit in for the simple reason that we are all children of God.

One more thing, to all of you LGBT people, I ask your forgiveness from the deepest part of my heart, and I want you to know that I believe you are the BRAVEST most COURAGEOUS people in the world. You are here for a reason, and you have truly taught me how to LOVE, and for that I will be forever grateful.

** A recent update: We have found the most amazing Inclusive Progressive Christian Church, and this past Christmas, our son actually brought someone he is dating home for Christmas. It was the BEST Christmas ever because for the first time, I was able to see my son sharing his life with someone rather than standing in the background while everybody else is coupled up. We are all different people and wouldn’t change our lives for anything. This journey has taught us all to LOVE BETTER. God is bigger than I ever dreamed and I have such a beautiful peace in my heart and soul.

Stories have the power to change the world … they inspire us, teach us, connect us.This is the thirty-third installment in the “Stories That Change The World” series.

I have a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ+ kids. The group was especially created for open minded Christian moms of LGBTQ+ kids. One thing we often discuss among ourselves is how we reconcile our Christian faith with supporting and affirming our LGBTQ+ kids. My own journey of reconciliation was one of the main things that led me to create Serendipitydodah for Moms.

Here is the short version of how I reconciled my faith with being affirming. This process took place over a period of about two years.

When my son came out at age 19 he told me he had come to the conclusion that the bible did not condemn loving, committed same sex relationships. I fully expected to be able to prove him wrong.

I was accustomed to “studying” scripture as I led women’s ministry in church for many years and also wrote and taught women’s bible studies during that time. I knew what it meant to dig into original language and consider the historical context of the verses I was studying. I was shocked to find that my son was right … there was no clear condemnation of the kind of same sex relationship that my son was talking about. None of the “clobber” verses were speaking about a loving, monogamous, healthy same sex relationship – my son had not forsaken God nor was he living some kind of lustful life. There was nothing in scripture that spoke of a same sex couple falling in love, marrying, building a life and a family together. (*For those who are interested in taking a closer look at the scriptures I studied during this process check out “The Clobber Verses“) Therefore, in light of insufficient evidence in scripture I had to ask myself…How should I respond to something if scripture doesn’t clearly condemn it?

The only thing I could think is that I needed to know if there was any evidence that same sex relationships were hurting people in real life. I took time to meet and get to know same sex couples and families and I couldn’t find evidence that they were any different than opposite sex couples – the evidence I discovered was that healthy same sex relationships had the same potential to be good and healthy and life giving that opposite sex relationships had.

When I was going through all of this study, research, thought and prayer Micah 6:8 became a focal point for me:

“He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good;
and what doth the Lord require of thee,
but to do justly, and to love mercy,
and to walk humbly with thy God?”

It was one of those verses that I kept being drawn back to and became one of those verses that ended up being “written on my heart”

The lack of evidence to condemn same sex relationships and Micah 6:8 led me to this:

If scripture doesn’t clearly condemn it and there is no evidence that it is harmful to anyone it would be unjust for me to condemn it and I know how God feels about injustice.

Shortly after I realized it was unjust to condemn same sex relationships due to insufficient evidence I also began to understand that good theology should produce good fruit.

I knew that scripture says that we (followers of Christ) will be known by our good fruit or good psychology.

I knew the good news should produce life giving fruit and if my theology was producing depression, hopelessness, self-loathing and suicide I had to come to grips with the reality that my theology must be wrong.

As I pondered the “good theology = good fruit/good psychology” principle and began to connect with a lot of Christian LGBT people I began to see a pattern … when LGBT people were connected to non-affirming faith communities they were typically very broken, desperate, hopeless, unhappy people and many times they were living out their brokenness in self destructive ways – but when they were connected to affirming faith communities they typically were a lot healthier and living much healthier lives. The evidence was clear and convicting.

I had to let go of the theology that was producing death (emotional death, spiritual death, relational death, physical death) and embrace theology that was producing healthy ideas, healthy choices, healthy living .. theology that was producing health, wholeness and life.

At some point I realized that I could no longer reconcile my Christian faith with the idea that same sex relationships were sinful – the two just didn’t go together.

I became affirming because of my faith, not in spite of it.

I support equal rights and protection of LGBT people not “even though” I’m a Christian or “in spite of” of being a Christian, but BECAUSE I’m a Christian.

I haven’t had to compromise or choose – I have fully embraced my faith throughout this journey.

****************************************************

For a closer look at the scriptures I studied during this process check out “The Clobber Verses“

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group created as an extension of the Serendipitydodah blog. The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. The group was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 1,400 members. The space was specifically created for open minded Christian moms who have LGBT kids and want to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their LGBT kids.

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The group was started in June 2014 and as of September 2018 there are more than 3,500 members. Each day moms of LGBTQ kids gather virtually to share a journey that is unique and often very difficult. The group is a place where they share a lot of information, ask questions, support one another, learn a lot and brag on their kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members nickname themselves “Mama Bears” The group is set up so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted there.The space was specifically created for open minded Christian moms who have LGBTQ kids and want to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their LGBTQ kids. However, moms do not have to be Christian to be a member of the group.

There are more than 50 regional groups that are available. The regional groups are independent of Serendipitydodah and are created and used by members to coordinate both social events and advocacy work with other moms in their area.

Serendipitydodah for Moms also has three subgroups that are exclusively for it’s members:

Serendipitydodah MTK is a subgroup where the conversation is trans specific. It is mostly made up of moms of trans kids.

Serendipitydodah Blue Ocean Faith is a subgroup for members of Serendipitydodah for Moms who want to connect with and become a part of the Blue Ocean Faith Ann Arbor community via it’s online presence. Blue Ocean Faith is a faith community that fully includes, affirms and supports LGBTQ people and those that support them.

Serendipitydodah Mama Bears to the Rescue is a subgroup for Serendipitydodah Mama Bears who are willing and able to be available to do small acts of kindness for LGBTQ people in their local community who may need connection, care or assistance. This subgroup makes it easier for members to coordinate and organize to do things such as attend a wedding as an affirming stand in mom, visit someone in the hospital, help someone get settled in a new area, provide some transportation, include someone in their holiday gatherings, send a note of encouragement etc

Email lizdyer55@gmail.com to join Serendipitydodah for Moms or for more info.

There are three special projects connected with Serendipitydodah for Moms:

The Mama Bear Story Project – Stories have the power to change the world … they inspire us, teach us, connect us. The Mama Bear Story Project provides a stage for the members of “Serendipitydodah for Moms” to share autobiographical essays and personal portraits in an effort to connect with other moms like themselves and to make the world a kinder, safer, more loving place for all LGBTQ+ people to live. The project was started in January 2017 and as of July 2018 has published more than 30 essays written by a mom of an lgbtq kid. Each essay includes a portrait of the mom and is shared on The Mama Bear Story Project Facebook page and on the Serendipitydodah Public Blog.

The Made With Love Projectinvites members of Serendipitydodah for Moms to make heart patterned friendship bracelets for members of the lgbtq community to remind them they are loved just the way they are. Anyone can submit lgbtq people to receive a “Made With Love Bracelet” by sending the person’s name and address in an email to lizdyer55@gmail.com (feel free to also add some information about the person). This is more than a bracelet – this is a movement created by moms of lgbtq kids who are committed to making the world a kinder, safer, more loving place for all lgbtq people to live. #loveisthemovement #spreadthelove

The “Banner Blanket Project” was started by a member of Serendipitydodah for Moms. The project delivers handmade blankets to LGBTQ teens and young adults who find themselves not supported by their family. The hope is that the blankets delivered to them will serve as a reminder that there is someone who loves and cares about them. Moms of LGBTQ kids who are members of the Serendipitydodah Facebook group are invited to make no-sew fleece blankets and mail them to assigned recipients. You can nominate someone to receive a Banner Blanket by emailing their name and address to lizdyer55@gmail.com

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a proud partner of Free Mom Hugs. Free Mom Hugs is a group of affirming parents who love their LGBTQ+ kids unconditionally and take hugs of love and acceptance to others. We are dedicated to educating families, church and civil leaders, and not only affirming the value of the LGBTQ+ community, but celebrating it.
Visit the Free Mom Hugs website for more information.

I’m lucky enough to have a connection with Wendy Williams Montgomery, the Mormon mother in the video “Families Are Forever” and she is truly an inspiration to many families who have come out of the closet as being supportive and affirming of their lgbt kid.

Ellen Page made headlines after coming out at HRC’s Time to THRIVE conference in 2014 and has continued to share the positive impact coming out has had on her life.

Austin and Aaron Rhodes, YouTube stars and twin brothers, filmed themselves coming out to their father over the phone and posted the emotional video online.

Parker Camp came out in 2014 when he was on the swim team at the University of Virginia. It can be very difficult for male athletes to come out but Parker said that coming out to his teammates at the University of Virginia was easy compared to coming out to his family. Go HERE to read Parker’s coming out story.

Sometimes those recieving the news are just as inspiring as those who are coming out. Amanda Hite writes about coming out to her grandparents.

Please share any other inspirational coming out stories in the comments!

SOME CLOSING THOUGHTS:

Coming out happens in different ways, at different times for different people. Each person must determine what is right for them. Coming out can sometimes have a negative impact on people in the immediate moment – therefore, now might not always be the best time to come out.

I always encourage people to be thoughtful about coming out, to seek some wise counsel and to take some time to consider the outcome. Coming out is ultimately freeing but timing is important. I would never encourage a young person to come out to their parents if they thought it could cause them to be homeless or to lose their ability to finish school. Some people have to consider that coming out could cost them their job and may need to prepare for that possibility. I look forward to the day when coming out is no big deal but for now it can sometimes be a difficult and even risky step to take.

I encourage all parents to be gentle and loving with your child if they come out to you no matter what you believe. A child that comes out to his parent is probably doing one of the bravest things they have ever attempted to do. They are probably afraid and worried about the reaction they will receive from their parents. You will never regret showing your child love and support at such a time.

If anyone reading this wants to join a private facebook group for moms of lgbt kids please email me at lizdyer55@gmail.com and put “Mom’s Facebook Group” as the subject. The group is a place where moms of lgbt kids can learn to develop and maintian healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their kids. There are more than 600 moms in the group and it is a place where a lot of support, encouragement and information is shared. It helps a lot to be on the journey with others as we walk with our kids on this new adventure.

Stories have the power to change the world … they inspire us, teach us, connect us. This is the fifth installment in the “Stories That Change The World” series.

Michael Bussee shared this story on June 6, 2015 in a private Facebook support group he started several years ago for those who have survived the “ex-gay” experience…

13 years ago today, I survived a hate crime. My best friend (Jeffery) did not. The experience would change me (for good and bad) forever. Remembering him today and thinking of how far we still have to go…

We had gathered that night to celebrate a friend’s birthday, but it was a week night and we all needed to work in the morning. Leaving the bar through the back door, we stopped at my car to look at some photos of a camping trip we had taken to Joshua Tree. It was just before midnight and peaceful downtown — just a block from the Mission Inn where I now give tours

As we were thumbing through the pictures, and without any words or provocation, a group of five young men charged us. One sucker punched me in the face. Jeffery saw this and came to my defense. I begged him not to, but yelled for all of us to get into my van to get away from the attack. Jeffery (a military veteran) would not hear of it. He stood up to our attackers.

They responded by beating him, knocking him to the pavement and kicking him. Almost as soon as it started, they broke it off, ran to their truck and sped away. Jeffery got to his feet, shouting curses and brushing himself off. We decided to meet at their house to “de-brief” about what had just happened. We didn’t want to remain in the parking lot, for fear the gang would return.

On the way to Jeffery’s house, my cellphone rang. His husband (also named Jeff — we called him “big Jeff”) said, “Don’t meet us at our house. Meet us at the hospital.” I asked why. Big Jeff said, “Little Jeff has been stabbed and is bleeding badly.” I was shocked. My friend in the car with me said, “Mike, lift up your shirt”. I did. Chris said, “You’ve been stabbed too!”

You would think that you would know if someone stabbed you. My back felt sore, but I assumed that was from another punch. The knife I hadn’t seen had apparently punctured my right lung, just below my shoulder blade. We sped to the hospital. Jeffery was already in the ER when we arrived. He had been stabbed in the back 5 times. He bled to death on the operating table.

The entire community was in shock. The next night, hundreds of people (young and old, gay and straight) gathered for a candlelight vigil in his honor. Local pastors were there. The police chief spoke. And then we all marched silently to City Hall. We did that for several years afterwards, making our chalk tributes on the asphalt.

The gang members (who had shouted “faggot” while they beat and stabbed us) all went to prison. I developed a phobia of being in any parking lot, day or night. But I eventually got over that. I still have nightmares about June 6. I have had treatment for PTSD which helped a lot. The experience was a wake-up call for me. I thought violence against LGBT people only happened elsewhere.

Today, I will take some flowers to the little memorial they set up there at the corner behind the Menagerie. (Years later, I would meet my husband, Scott, in that same bar). Perhaps Scott and I will stop in and have a drink. I have only been back a handful of times due to flashbacks. But, life is good again. I have love, purpose and good friends, and each year I draw a message of hope in chalk…

Michael Bussee was one of the originators of the ex-gay movement. In the 1970s, while working as a telephone counselor at Melodyland Christian Center in Anaheim, California, Bussee co-founded the Ex-gay Intervention Team (EXIT) and later hosted an unprecedented conference of ex-gay ministries at which a handful of ministry leaders, along with approximately 60 delegates, voted to form a loose coalition called EXODUS. However, within a few years, Bussee began to doubt the efficacy and ethics of the ex-gay message, left Exodus and eventually began to speak out about the tremendous damage that results from the anti-gay message and related practices such as Conversion Therapy. Today Bussee is a retired Marriage and Family therapist, who devotes much of his time helping LGBT people heal from the trauma they faced from Christian anti-gay messages and practices.

Stories have the power to change the world … they inspire us, teach us, connect us. This is the fourth installment in the “Stories That Change The World” series.

This is Marlene Lund’s story. She told her story at a “Story Night” at her church as part of an ongoing conversation they are having about gender, sexuality and marriage.

A wise former pastor once said, when talking about how we can share with others the reality of God’s presence in our lives, that we should ask questions and tell stories. When we tell our personal stories, rather than try to argue with scripture, we are sharing ourselves, being vulnerable as we open ourselves to possible judgment and misunderstanding. We are also stepping out from behind the protective curtain of certain Bible passages, or of the societal script for “how things are”, and asking for others to listen with open hearts and a willingness to look at old things in new ways. We want to be KNOWN and still loved. We hope our stories will plant a seed of understanding and acceptance. In such a spirit, I want to share the story of my walk with God on the issue of gender, sexuality, marriage and leadership.

I was raised in a conservative Christian family. My father was a Baptist minister, and then my parents joined Wycliffe Bible Translators when I was six years old, and I grew up as a missionaries’ kid in Brazil. Throughout my growing up, without being conscious of it, I was building a wall of separation between myself and those whom I had been taught not to “mix” with, those who would tempt me to turn away from my walk with God. By the time I was a young adult, my wall was sturdily built, and I felt safe behind it, secure in my knowledge that God’s truth would shield me from straying from the Path, helping me to not put my foot on the slippery slope of doctrinal wavering. One group firmly on the other side of my wall were members of the lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgender community (or LGBT), mainly because at the time, to my knowledge, I didn’t know anyone who was from that community and could easily view them merely as “those sinners over there”.

God started challenging my views of LGBT people 40 years ago, when I began to notice that more and more men were entering the nursing profession, and many of them were gay. My co-workers increasingly included people I had been taught were living lives that were sinful on a level beyond my ability to comprehend. I had been taught to not associate with sinners of that caliber, lest I be contaminated by their sin, and drawn away from God. But how could I do that in the workplace, where we each depended so closely on one another to care for our patients? These men became friends, colleagues, people whom I saw caring with great tenderness for hurting, frightened patients. These people were not monsters, they were nurses, called to show compassion and skill in tending vulnerable people. And one brick in my wall of rejection fell to the ground.

Fast forward a few years. We were now living on the East Coast, attending a wonderful Presbyterian church in Red Bank, New Jersey. I sang in the choir and loved our choir director/church organist, Gary, who was a man full of passion for worship and church music. One morning I received a call from a friend that Gary had been murdered. And that was how the church discovered that he was gay. Because of the teaching and position of the church, he had to lead a double life, closely closeted in the community that loved him, and occasionally going to gay bars to help feed his natural need for physical intimacy. One man Gary had brought home with him one night stabbed him to death in the doorway of his apartment. I remember being deeply shocked at learning this truth about my friend, but not for the reasons I would have expected. I was not filled with disgust, but deep grief that this man who loved our church, and was so loved by it, could not be his true self with us, out of fear of rejection, and the realization that our love of his “celibate” side was not enough to help him feel whole. I struggled with the question that would not let me sleep: if I had known before he died that Gary was gay, would I still have loved him and welcomed him into my home? The answer was a resounding “yes”! Gary was a child of God, who loved to bring the congregation to the throne of God every Sunday through his musical gifts, who loved his church family and sought community, and whom I fully expect to see again one day in Heaven; but he was also a very lonely child of God, told by his church that he was damaged, could not meet his desire for intimate relationship and still serve God in the way God had gifted him to do. Several more bricks fell from my wall of separation.

Fast forward another 15 years. Our daughters were in school in Colorado, and rumors began spreading among some of the Christian moms in my prayer group that some of the teachers at school were gay. There was fear expressed that these teachers might turn out to be pedophiles or try to “recruit” our kids into “the gay lifestyle”. Some moms felt we should mount a protest with the school district and demand that these teachers be removed. This didn’t sit right with me, so I sought wisdom through prayer. I spent some time learning about what makes a person gay and the incidence of pedophilia within the LGBT community, which I learned is much lower than in the heterosexual community. The particular teachers in question were dedicated educators, gifted at sharing knowledge in a way that kept the kids engaged in learning. They also taught my girls valuable life lessons of acceptance of those who are different, of compassion, and of standing up for those who are more vulnerable. I could see no down side to my daughters being educated by these gifted, committed teachers, and I helped to discourage the other moms from taking vigilante action against respected members of the school community. By now, the hole appearing in my wall of learned misinformation was getting big enough to poke my head through.

A few more years passed, and several of our daughter’s friends were beginning to realize that their attractions weren’t like those of most of the other kids. One by one, these friends “came out” at school as gay, lesbian or bi-sexual. I knew these kids, and I knew many of their parents. I drove them home in my van after play rehearsals and listened in on their conversations. I liked these kids. I heard them say, “How could being gay be a choice? How could anyone believe I would choose to be “that kid” at school, to be bullied in the locker room and called “fag” in the halls? I would never choose this! It’s just who I am.”

And then, one evening, our 16-year old daughter came into the family room and tearfully said, “Mom, Dad, I have something I need to tell you.” My brain was racing through the card file of possible teenage disasters I should be prepared for, trying to guess what could be so serious. I thought maybe she was going to tell us she was failing a class, or she got in trouble for something at school, or maybe even that she was pregnant, even though, to my knowledge, she hadn’t had a boyfriend since third grade. I never expected to hear the next sentence: “I’m bi-sexual.” I had definitely not seen that one coming! As Sonja continued to talk, she shared that she was also very surprised by this realization. She is a young person who is passionate about issues of social justice, and she had helped to found the Gay-Straight Alliance club at her high school; but at the time, she thought she was doing so as a straight ally, not as a member of the LGBTQ community. She was taken by surprise when she realized she was feeling attractions to girls that were the same as attractions she had felt for boys in the past (although I will insert here that we had noticed that every boy she had gotten a “crush” on in middle school and high school eventually came out as gay). She is a young woman whose relationship to God is very important to her, so before she came to us, she spent time in prayer and study, asking God to reveal to her the truth about herself, and to help her accept herself as God had made her. This was part of the story she shared with us that evening. As my mind continued to spin while listening to her, a voice speaking above the background noise said, “Whatever you say in the next few seconds will be remembered for the rest of your daughter’s life.” I assured her of my love, I told her I was very surprised, and I told her it was going to take me some time to process this information and try to figure out how to reconcile my understanding of scripture with my complete love and acceptance of my daughter. Sonja is a great researcher, so she had a ready list for me of books, videos, websites and bloggers to check out to get me started. I began a 2 ½ year journey of study and learning, seeking to understand what my position as a Christian should be on this issue. Should I be praying for my daughter to try and change who she is or encourage her to live a life of celibacy, as a way to continue to try and shepherd this gift God had given me in my precious child? Or was there a different story that God wanted me to hear? I wanted to be open to whichever message God was sending me.

I started with science, seeking to understand the biological and psychological components of sexual orientation and gender identity. What I learned was that sexual orientation and gender identity are definitely not a choice, and are not changeable in the overwhelming majority of cases. From there, I began to read books that dealt with the prohibitive passages in the Bible and how to understand them. I talked with trusted mentors, including a pastor friend who still holds a traditional position on marriage and recommended some books that supported that position. Each time I picked up a new book, I prayed, asking God to help me see truth where there was truth to see, and to have the discernment to overlook my personal desires to be affirming without reservations of my daughter, but to also be able to see that which was not God’s desire for me to adopt. I examined the scriptural position on lifetime celibacy, seeking to understand the difference between a spiritual gift or calling, and a condition imposed by others on an individual. After over two years of study, I had a moment of clarity one day, when I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and certainty, as if a voice was speaking to me, that who Sonja is and whoever she falls in love with one day and eventually marries is perfectly OK. She has not turned her back on God, and God loves and affirms her as God made her. She walks daily in the tension of living in two separate communities, the LGBTQ community and the church, who frequently are at war with each other, claiming with pride her identity as a queer person of faith.

That was the day the wall collapsed completely, and I began to see that God was calling me onto a new path in an unexpected area of service and ministry. I felt led to do something with all the knowledge and insight I had gained through my study, but I didn’t know exactly what form that would take. I started by volunteering at a safe house for LGBTQ teens in the Capitol Hill district of Seattle, cooking dinners for kids who came there for support and food, in all colors and all expressions of gender and sexuality. I learned to ask about preferred pronouns when meeting someone new, to see the person behind the costume, to be sensitive to how I engaged in conversation and asked questions. I also enjoyed feeding hungry teenagers who were drawn to the dining room by the smell of baking brownies and stayed to chat. I met a wonderful group of gay men from a local Episcopal church who also cared for these teens, many of whom had been kicked out of their homes by religious parents when they “came out”, following Jesus’s call to care for “the least of these”. I began to really seek to see these kids with the eyes of Jesus, and my heart melted.

When we moved to the Bay area about three years ago, I wanted to continue to serve in a similar capacity, but no doors were opening that felt like a good fit for me. We joined this church, because we saw on the website that First Pres was in a “period of discernment” on the issues facing the PCUSA regarding sexuality and ordination, and we felt that maybe our voices could contribute to the conversation. I kept reminding God that I was available for service, but for over a year, nothing opened up. Then, about 1 ½ years ago, within a matter of a month, a series of events took place that were evidence to me of an unmistakable call to serve God in the area of supporting our LGBTQ kids by supporting the parents of those kids. God brought people across my path in very unusual ways, each saying almost the same thing: would you consider working with other parents and helping them on this journey of loving and supporting their kids? I am now involved with several private Facebook groups for Christian moms of LGBTQ kids from all over the world, helping each other deal with the crisis of a child coming out, the pain of rejection by family, friends and church communities when these moms stand with and support their children, and the deepening of their faith as they see a new aspect of God that they had been blinded to as they sat in their comfortable pews, unchallenged by the reality of having a gay child. I was called to become involved with the local chapter of PFLAG, a secular support group for parents and families of LGBTQ individuals, and am now a co-chair of that chapter. I was also called (literally across the church parking lot by Debbie Whaley) to help form and facilitate a support group here at First Pres for Christian parents of LGBTQ kids. We have been meeting monthly on the church campus, under the guidance of Kristen Gustavson, for a little over a year now.

I have heard many Christian moms say that having a gay child is the best gift God has given them, because through their child (or even gay children) they have learned so much more about God’s love and how to see the world through the eyes of Jesus. I have to say that my experience goes even beyond that. I have been called by God into a ministry because of my daughter, who now identifies as “queer”, who has taught me to love more openly, to remember that Jesus showed by example how we are to treat and include the “other” in our midst, who taught me to dig deeper into Bible passages that seem on the surface to say one thing, but on closer inspection are not so clear as we once thought, and who continues to challenge me to be honest in my pursuit of understanding this issue. I would never have expected to be on this particular journey, but God has taught me so much as I walk this path and leave that crumbled wall behind.

Bloggers were invited to write about whatever came to mind when they thought about Freedom.

As someone who is passionate about making the world a kinder, safer, more loving place for LGBTQ+ people the subject of Freedom immediately had me thinking about people past and present in the fight for the LGBTQ+ freedom.

Every movement has its heroes, and the push for equality and freedom for the LGBTQ+ community is no exception.

There are too many to list all of them so I’ve picked 12 to share with you today.

In her ninth decade, she started a judicial odyssey, fighting a battle she never expected to wage—let alone win. Now she’s the matriarch of the gay-rights movement. Edie Windsor is the woman whose lawsuit forced the federal government to recognize same-sex marriage. She filed the lawsuit that helped bring down section 3 of DOMA. After the death of her late wife, Thea Spyer, Windsor was faced with the unfairness of a bill for $360,000 in estate taxes. That injustice won’t happen to others because Windsor brought the case United States v. Windsor to the U.S. Supreme Court, which ruled that the section was unconstitutional.

Janet Mock is an American writer, transgender rights activist, author and the former staff editor of People magazine’s website.

Mock creates transgender-specific programs and education for the LGBTQ youth center of the Hetrick-Martin Institute, which operates the Harvey Milk High School, a high school for LGBT teens in New York City. She was the person who started the Twitter hashtag #GirlsLikeUs to empower transgender women and is the author of Redefining Realness in which she details her journey as a transgender woman.

Cleve Jones is an LGBT rights and AIDS awareness activist who cofounded the San Francisco AIDS Foundation in 1983. In 1985 he held a memorial for Harvey Milk where he started the NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt, a community project that honors the lives of people who died of the disease. Today he is an organizer for Unite Here!, a union that represents workers throughout the U.S. and Canada in the hotel, gaming, food service, manufacturing, textile, distribution, laundry, and airport industries.

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Mitchell Pritchett on the ABC comedy Modern Family, started a nonprofit charity with his husband Justin Mikita. The organization goes by the catchy name “Tie The Knot” and sells fashionable neckties and bow ties. The funds raised by “Tie The Knot” go to support marriage equality for same-sex couples.

Here is what Jesse and Justin have to say: “Tie The Knot was founded to combine all of our favorite things: humor, style, individuality, fashion, art, and equality. Founded by Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Justin Mikita, the goal of Tie The Knot is clear: to advocate for the civil rights of gay and lesbian Americans throughout the United States & beyond, and to look damn good while doing it.”

For news junkies, Ross Murray is the man to follow. Murray is the Director of News at the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD). At GLAAD, Ross’ role is to amplify pro-LGBT voices of faith, shape the public conversation about LGBT people and faith, and to respond to anti-LGBT faith-based messages. Ross is also the Director of The Naming Project, a faith based LGBT youth group that runs an LGBT teen camp every summer. In all Ross does, he strives to help people cultivate a holistic identity. Murray’s background is in youth ministry.

Few people who set out to change the world actually succeed, Frank Kameny was one of those few. You most likely have never heard of him. But for gay Americans, he’s a founding father of the historic movement that pulled LGBTQ+ people out of the closet and into greater acceptance in the United States. What made Kameny a hero was that he demanded equity and fairness when it was literally him against the world. He was 86 and lived in Washington.

Kameny was fired from his job with Army Map Services in 1957 for being gay and was denied future job opportunities in the United States Civil Service. After being turned down by lower courts, Kameny filed a writ of certiorari to the Supreme Court, arguing that being fired for his sexual orientation was equivalent to being dismissed because of race or gender. Kameny’s petition, the first civil rights claim based on sexual orientation, was denied. In 1971, Kameny became the first openly gay politician to run for Congress and remained an activist for Gay rights for all of his life.

Kameny was known for wearing a “Gay is Good” button back when few gay people had the courage to be out and proud. By his example, perseverance and sacrifice, he showed us what courage looked like. We are a better nation because Franklin Edward Kameny set out to make us so.

American gay rights activist Craig Rodwell founded the Oscar Wilde Memorial Bookshop (the first bookstore devoted to gay and lesbian authors, which has spawned many others since), and was the organizer of for the very first Gay Pride Parade. He facilitated a community gathering place with his bookshop and conceived some the first gay rights protests, preceding the Stonewall riots.

In 1992, at age 19, Chad Griffin became the youngest White House staffer ever to serve as press office manager, under President Bill Clinton. In 2008 he founded the American Foundation for Equal Rights (AFER), which helped fight California’s Proposition 8. In March 2012, Griffin became the President of the Human Rights Campaign.

Griffin, who is gay himself, often cites the elevated rate of suicides among LGBT youth as his motivation and has stated that he would especially like to extend his work to advocate for young people in states like Arkansas, where he was born and raised.

Since joining HRC as president in 2012, Griffin has steered the organization into an exciting new era in the fight for equality. From spearheading record-breaking investment in the 2012 elections that enabled unprecedented victories from coast to coast, to historic advocacy around the Supreme Court’s rulings striking down Proposition 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act in June of 2013, Griffin has brought renewed passion and energy to a fight that is inspiring Americans—LGBT and straight—all around the country.

A key component in the fight for LGBTQ+ freedom and equality is protecting youth and educating parents of LGBTQ+ kids and that is why I am including Dannielle Owens-Reid and Kristin Russo, the co-founders of Everyone is Gay and The Parents Project.

Everyone Is Gay is an award winning LGBTQ youth organization that provides advice, tours schools, and creates change while keeping everyone laughing and The Parents Project was created as an extension of Everyone Is Gay to answer the many questions they were receiving from parents whose children had recently come out to them.

Dannielle resides in Los Angeles, and has been working with LGBTQ young people for over four years as the co-founder of Everyone Is Gay. She has worked extensively in the world of social media and has used that experience to create a digital presence for LGBTQ+ youth and their parents.

Kristin resides in Brooklyn and has been working with LGBTQ young people for over 6 years, first volunteering at the Hetrick-Martin Institute in NYC, and then co-founding Everyone Is Gay in 2011.

Laverne Cox plays transgender inmate Sophie Burset on Netflix’s Orange Is the New Black. She was recently featured as the first openly transgender person on the cover of Time magazine.

In her Time interview, Cox said, “We are in a place now where more and more trans people want to come forward and say ‘This is who I am.’ Social media has been a huge part of it and the Internet has been a huge part of it, where we’re able to have a voice in a way that we haven’t been able to before.”

She is particularly interested in focusing on the intersection of race, gender and class as she advocates for the Trans community.

Harvey Milk was our country’s first openly gay elected official. Milk was elected in 1977 to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, where he not only represented the concerns of the city’s LGBT citizens but took up issues like affordable housing and child care. He was tragically shot and killed the year after he took office, but his message of hope and openness lives on to this day.

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I’m sure you are thinking of others who should be mentioned. I’m doing the same thing. I’m thinking I should have added Dan Savage and Terry Miller, who started the It Gets Better Project to tell gay kids across the world that life can change after high school and Zach Wahls, a straight young man who stood up in front of the Iowa Supreme Court and so eloquently spoke for the equal rights of his family led by two mothers. And how could I leave out Captain M. Matthew Phelps, a gay U.S. Marine who, after “don’t ask, don’t tell” was repealed, proudly took a male date to the Marine Corps Birthday Ball or Judy Shepard who through her quiet dignity after the loss of her gay son helped the Hate Crimes Prevention Act passed and founded The Matthew Shepard Foundation.

If you are the mom of an LGBTQ+ kid please join you are invited to join our Facebook support group, Serendipitydodah for Moms. The group is for open minded Christian moms who have LGBTQ kids and want to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their LGBTQ kids. Please send an email to lizdyer55@gmail.com if you are interested in joining the Facebook support group.

“My advice for Moms: Step back. Breathe. Go ahead and grieve. But please, step back. From your own (very real) feelings of shock, anger, disappointment, failure, fear. And just be there. For your child. This isn’t about you now. It’s about them. It’s about the courage and love they had that enabled them to tell you the truth.

Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t cause it. Don’t blame them. They didn’t choose it. Don’t tell them they could “change” if they really wanted to. They can’t. Don’t quote the Bible to them. Don’t rush them off to “reparative therapy”. Don’t tell them how much their disclosure is causing you pain.

This isn’t about you now. It’s about them. Step back. Breathe and then tell them: “Thank you for loving me and trusting me enough to tell me. Thanks for your courage. I am so proud of you. Thanks for being who you are. I love you just that way and nothing on Earth or in Heaven can ever change that.”

Then, for goodness sake, get some support. You are really going to need it — to cope with the grief and fear. To answer questions you may have. To learn to deal with those “helpful” people who think they have the answers for your child. Don’t isolate. Closets are for clothes, not people. Reach out. In this group. With a trusted friend. Maybe go to a PFLAG meeting.

In time (sometimes a long time) the shock, anger, guilt, self-blame, fear, disappointment and grief will give way — to something more deep and more genuine than either of you could have ever imagined. That’s what love does. It steps back, breathes, listens, embraces. You can do this. Stay strong. It does get better. I know. It got better for me and my Mom.” – Michael Bussee (Speaking to the “Serendipitydodah for Moms” Facebook support group in June 2014)

Michael Bussee was one of the originators of the ex-gay movement. In the mid-1970s, while working as a telephone counselor at Melodyland Christian Center in Anaheim, California, Bussee co-founded the Ex-gay Intervention Team (EXIT) and later hosted an unprecedented conference of ex-gay ministries at which a handful of ministry leaders, along with approximately 60 delegates, voted to form a loose coalition called EXODUS. However, within a few years, Bussee began to doubt the efficacy and ethics of the ex-gay message and in 1979 he left Exodus and eventually began to speak out about the tremendous damage that results from the anti-gay message. Today Bussee is a retired licensed Marriage and Family therapist, who devotes much of his time helping LGBT people heal from the trauma they faced from the Christian anti-gay message.

The private Facebook support group, Serendipitydodah for Moms, is going strong. The group is for open minded Christian moms who have LGBTQ kids and want to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their LGBTQ kids. The “Be Our Guest” event series has been particularly helpful to the members. We have special guests join the group for a few days to share their insight, ideas and thoughts with us. Michael Bussee was one of our recent guests. Please send an email to lizdyer55@gmail.com if you are interested in joining the Facebook support group.