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China will host six-nation talks this week to discuss
methods of dismantling North Korea's nuclear program. They have
missiles that can reach the West Coast. Arnold's first act as
governor will be to catch them barehanded and throw them back.

The EPA said the White House forced them to tell New Yorkers
their air was safe to breathe after the World Trade Center
collapsed, although it wasn't. New Yorkers are mortified. It turns
out smoking in restaurants actually improves the air quality.

Gray Davis promised to sign a bill allowing illegal aliens
to get California driver's licenses. He has hit a home run on this
one. Californians have been searching desperately for a way to
speed up the lines to buy beer on Cinco de Mayo.

John Kerry will announce for president in front of an
aircraft carrier next week. He wants to showcase his Vietnam War
record. Americans have no interest in John Kerry's Vietnam combat
experience, what they would like is his Vietnam exit strategy.

The Energy Department consolidated a U.S.-Canada task force to
find the reason for the power outage. No one feels immune from
these glitches. It has been a summer marked by viruses, blackouts and
worms, and that's just the bar scene.

Tampa police shut off their face-recognition surveillance system
that beeps when it sees a criminal on the street. It really works. The
inventor once aimed the camera at an NBA game and it sounded like a
telegraph reporting the sinking of the Lusitania.

The National Enquirer reported Kobe Bryant offered $5 million to
the alleged victim in Colorado. He also bought his wife a $4 million
ring. That's the most money for one roll in the hay since Enron slipped
something into California's drink.

Taco Bell will run a poll on the California governor's race by
counting food orders. Order a beef taco and it's a vote for Arnold
Schwarzenegger, a chicken taco and it's a vote for Gray Davis. Make a
Run for the Border and it's Cruz Bustamante.

Cybill Shepherd told reporters on Wednesday she made out with Gray
Davis in Hawaii when she was sixteen. It's hard to picture them together
today. This could force Gray Davis to acknowledge that during his youth
he experimented with charisma.

Dianne Feinstein ripped Arnold Schwarzenegger for using assault
weapons onscreen and she accused him of setting a bad example. That's
not fair. Is Arnold or is he not the first German to play the good guy
in a Hollywood movie since World War I?

Arnold Schwarzenegger outlined his economic plans for California
Thursday at a press conference. It was a bit light on specifics. Most
politicians can't get away with saying it may look bad now, but it can
always be fixed in post-production.

Colin Powell asked Israel and the Palestinians to stick to
President Bush's roadmap to peace. He warned they are approaching a
cliff. It might help if the Bijou Theater in Ramallah played some other
movie besides The Charge of the Light Brigade.