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How to write your own biography in Wikipedia. From the renowned author of “Deconstructing Quantum Sufi-Yoga”

Last night, the benevolent godmahi-mahi came to me in a vision and instructed me in a mix of Urdu-sounding Hindi, Hindi-sounding Urdu, Klingon, and C++ to form the Khudbakhud Uttarvedantic Wikipedia Society, a charitable organization exempt from US federal income tax under section 501(c)(3). As you know, articles in the online encyclopedia Wikipedia are among the top hits in internet search engines. The goal of our tax-exempt Society is to create our own biographies in Wikipedia and pass off to family members, jealous colleagues, prospective employers, and random, uninterested Facebook friends as evidence of our great standing in science and letters. In this guide, I will lead you in the art of creating your very own personalized Wikipedia autobiography.

One way to get on Wikipedia is to to actually do something worthy of recognition. You could write a bestseller or come up with a major scientific discovery and the world would most certainly notice. Someone would write a Wikipedia entry for you. But let’s be frank. I’m writing a blog and you’re sitting here reading it. Frankly, it ain’t gonna happen for either of us. Fortunately, Wikipedia is written by people like you and me, and so there are tons of mediocre people (just like you and me) who are writing their own over-hyped articles on Wikipedia as we speak. And even if you did have the talent to do something worthwhile in life, why would you take the trouble anyways? It is much easier to become notable through Wikipedia than to become notable and then get on Wikipedia.

Here are the steps to creating your own autobiography on Wikipedia:

Step 1. Start websites with legitimate-sounding domain names. In the mafia, you need a shop to act as a front. In the web popularity game, you need to get your name out on Google by posting comments with your name on as many websites and blogs as possible and starting a few fake websites of your own. If you’re a scientist, write about how great you are on your fake website New Sceintist, which sounds a lot like New Scientist. Steal html templates if you can. If it looks similar, it is just as good. Most people can’t read, so who will notice?

By getting your name out in cyberspace, you’re increasing your hits on Google, a primary index used to determine if you’ve done anything worthy of Wikipedia.

Step 2. Make a list of important-sounding fake publications. This is the most important step. If you’ve ever written anything in life, you need to put it on Wikipedia. For example the essay you wrote on the cow in primary school should be written up as A post-modern analysis of the sociological and economic importance of Bos indicus var. dudhwali in the South Asian subcontinent. Anything will do, but you will need to use words such as “deconstruction,” “post-modern”, “quantum”, “paradigm”, as well as a smattering of South Asian keywords (preferably with religious connotations). That way later if your article is tagged for deletion, you can always challenge the Wikipedia editors. If they dispute the South Asian part, tell them they are perpetrating colonialist stereotypes. If they attack the science, appeal to the art. No one on the planet understands both Derrida and Bose-Einstein statistics.

It is as easy as 1-2-3. Follow my example. By putting some very esoteric words in the title of this article, I am enhancing my own reputation as a pundit. Web aggregators will pick it up and soon enough I will be known as an expert in Deconstruction, quantum mechanics, Sufism, and yoga. Repeat after me: “I am as smart as I fake myself out to be”.

If you haven’t done anything creative in your life, then use the approach of making up something extremely important. For example, say that your magnum opus is A Long History of the World (Vol I-XX). Always use Roman numerals for volumes and throw in some French or Latin if possible. If challenged to produce your work, say that it was originally written in a now-extinct Andamanese dialect and that the editor is being a racist, Eurocentric pig. If you’re a woman, claim to be the poor victim of a male-dominated society. You can’t lose!

Step 3. Create an account on Wikipedia. You’ll need an account to look legit. Without one, editors will flag your IP address. Choose something distinguished such as Rabindranath_Tagore or S_Radhakrishnan and put an embellished resume up on your page. For example, if you know that Achtung is not the sound of a German sneezing, mention on your page that you have native-level comprehension of the German language.

Step 4. Find a list of editors you can win over. For the most part Wikipedia is edited not by professional experts, but by hobbyists who know all the levels in Tekken, but not which side of the bread is buttered. Win them over by commenting on their personal pages. They don’t have money, power, or social lives. I mean, why else would they write for no recognition or money?

Step 5. Make some very basic edits on other Wikipedia articles. If the first thing you do is to write your own article, people will get suspicious. Do some very basic copyediting on one of the thousands of incomprehensible articles on the site first.

Step 6. Steal the template for an existing high-quality Wikipedia article on someone you admire. Wiki-markup is easy, but stealing is easier. Take an article written about a famous person in your discipline and use it as a template. It will have all the category tags built it and it is as easy as “plug and play”.

Step 7. You are who you want to be, so write creatively. Journalists are very good at this, but everyone should be instinctively good at using weasel-words. Use “many”, “most”. and other non-specific words to blast across how awesome you are. As you write, think carefully. If you ever sent your flop book to someone, say it was “well received” (omitting the fact that the postal service is efficient). If your mother really liked your painting, say “many experts found it breathtaking in scope and originality.” If you know multiple languages, then use non-Roman script for your works. Again, you are working on the vanishingly small odds that there is someone who is both a polymath and a Wikipedia junkie.

A final word of advice for those lucky few in positions of power. Get your employees or students to do the work for you. Say that you are just about to work on their annual performance review or grade their test papers. You’ll be surprised at how common people who don’t deserve to be on Wikipedia grovel just to keep us celebrities happy!

151 thoughts on “How to write your own biography in Wikipedia. From the renowned author of “Deconstructing Quantum Sufi-Yoga””

Holy Cow! (that’s what I don’t mean to say) That’s just so damn bad!! lol. The easy bad, actually. I’d create a Squidoo page for myself rather than creating a dumbo Wikipedia page with all the sucking fake things.

But anyway, made me laugh all way to the end. By the way, Anirban, you said you work in writing industry. What do you do?

Hilarious! Enjoyed this. Anything that is critical of post-modernism always gets a thumbs-up from me. Not sure if you have seen this site but someone has actually built a random generator of post-modern essays! Check out http://www.elsewhere.org/pomo/

Thanks for reading. That is an excellent generator. If you have time, you might also want to read up on the Sokal affair, where Alan Sokal a professor of physics sent a hoax paper to a “postmodern” journal and got it published.

Haha… Gurdit. Good point. I’ve had an account on Wikipedia for close to five years now. I know how the game works since I’ve seen some very dicey articles on the site. I don’t know what shape some of the articles I created are in, but if you have time please take a look:

Excellent and funny Anirban! No I do not have a Wikipedia article yet. And I should not need to “fake” anything: I am a well-known musician and musicologist, and in a particular field my books (1st one 1978, last one this year) have sold and keep selling very well and have scarcely any competing works. They have also got very favourable published reviews in specialised magazines.

Yet those books are conspicuously absent from the 20-odd Wikipedia entries related to my field, some of which I find really amateurish. Most attempts to have myself or my books mentioned in those articles have failed: there is a Wikipedia editor that deletes my additions saying they are “self promotion”, while inferior and obsolete works are instead repeatedly quoted. Eventually, I published this as a scandal in an online forum, where a senior Wikipedia writer read my post and promised to intervine, asking me that I wrote a few corrections to those articles and suggested including my books under “Discussion”. I did. Nothing happened. The editor did not answer any of my subsequent emails. I gave up. Here and there in the field of musicology I find excellent articles … and also abysmal ones, some of them well-known among musicians for their ridiculous statements. A pity.

I am sure you are a well-known musician and musicologist as you mention. I was actively involved in Wikipedia from 2004-2006 and contributed a number of original articles during my time. The English Wikipedia is very US-centric. One of the reasons I left was that the nature of the discussions on topics that had little coverage on the internet was very negative. I found myself constantly having to explain the importance of issues that many administrators did not find important to them.

On the other hand, there are thousands of articles that are nothing more than advertising.

Excellent sense of humor. But in all seriousness, I’m still making the occasional cash on Wikipedia articles I write for clients who want to mold Wikipedia to their liking. Jimmy Wales hates me for this. I offered to do it all above-board, in the open, but he couldn’t live with even that, so down underground I went.

Wait, you created the Joint Forest Management article? I vaguely remember using that in an Environmental Studies Project in school few years ago, This is, of course, before I knew the unreliability of Wiki posts :p

I used to contribute to Wikipedia as well! But somehow never got to observe things like you mention in the post or in the comments, perhaps cuz the kind of articles I used to get involved with very different. I gave up on contributing/editing cuz it was becoming a self-destructive obsession with no fixed end-point so to speak of. I’m happy I could come out of that addiction. I’d started contributing out of sense of obligation that I could not make use of all that infomation & knowledge without giving something in return. And in the same spirit, I am and will remain grateful to all those who make information available to others with no incentives, the way we think incentives to be.

I satisfied for the way of writing personal biography of an individual on wikipedia. But it is very hard way of getting chance to write it. Eventhough i dont know the reason that made it to be long procedure to achieve.

Akash Sonker is the play back singer of Indian Music,Soul and Blues
Also he is an Engineer Architect
In start he started his career in dancing and get cirtificate cource in dancing
Akash Sonker have well knowlage of drawing and structural analysis
Mimicry,Script,lyrics design and fine art his old activity So his friend called him MTB means MULTY TALENTED BOY
Now worked at Bachlor of Architecture And B-Tech

my name is joshua patrick boss, i have good talent to the extent that i have invented many things….i was born in lagos @ isheri olowora…….i studied at the university of ambrose ali at ekpoma located at edo state……i love girls and.i did my secondary school at babs fafunwa millenium senior secondary school…..and my primary school at hon bethel…..i have many friends named:teeworld,Godstime,snieekey,adelogba,dele,johnson……e.t.c

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Learned a great deal from this article and hope I am able to get myself added to Wikipedia without lying, stealing or begging someone else to do it for me at my suggestion. The good news is my accomplishments are plenty so it’s likely to occur.

There are simpler methods,like adding wikipedia to your name,for example ‘vivek narain wikipedia’.Using this name every where in web, say twitter or imgur or whatsapp or in comments on wordpress blogs.

I am Gambian by nationally I was born in lamin town. I am black in colour I am a serre by tribe. I am difficult to know, but when you know me, you will really like me. My hobby is playing football I like people who are honest and kind, i want people who will always be the same as they are. I don’t like people who behaved like chameleons. I always like people who act like the way they are and not what they have. Humble life is the best life,I love the way I am not what I have. It is a belief that what u have worked for hundred of years can be destroysed within minutes. Let us be careful of what to do, what to say,so that we will be happy. But nowadays, if someone is batter than you, for example he/she give you a dalasi, he/she will show it to you. Let us be proud of who we are not what we have…
NEVERTHELESS, I started my school at Kombo Kerewan Arabic School commonly known as Muhaad Dwadat Al Islamiyah,from grade 1 to 6, from there I proceeded to Tallinding kunjang Islamic institute Muhaad Al Islamiyah school where I attended from grade 7 to 12. And graduated in 2010. I when to john Pickering Comprehensive Senior Secondary School in 2011 and graduated at Grade 12 in 2014. I was an Arts student. Islamic studies is the subject I love most. According to my teacher and mentor in john Pickering Senior School, Mr Fofana, ( Education is the only hope for success in life. Education is not everything but everything without education is zero) that’s is what I believe.. I spent my childhood life in a place called lamin not far from Banjullindibg, I am staying with my family. I started going to Arabic school commonly called (dara) when I was age 10, I spent 5 to 6 years in the (dara) before proceeding to an Arabic school at kombo kerewan. This school is not far from lamin. Every morning, I use to wake up as early as 6 o’clock, take bath, breakfast and start walking to school. The lessons normally start at 8:30am. Whenever I am late, my oustass known in English as teacher punishes me. The lessons end at 1:15pm and I normally reach home at 2:30pm, then have my lunch. After lunch, I go to (dara) and close at 5:00pm. After reaching home, I go and search for my goats. At times before I see them, it take more than two hours or so. From there I take bath and go for Magrib prayers. After prayers I read my books for a while, take my dinner and go to bed.. I spend my life with my family I normally spend most of my time at home and I only go out for prayer and come back home I am always indoors. move with serious people who have aims an responsibilities. I hate to move with unserious people such as smokers, thieves, drunkard etc. My life is very simple in the sense I am down to earth. I like listening to the media, like sport news talk shows etc I made so may friends through the media. Normally in the evening, I like brewing ataya with my friends under my big mango tree……..

BIOGRAPHY OF FINEX BABY…………….. Chiwendu caleb chibuike was born in the year 1997 in abia state in the city of umuahia ubakala oyimo he,s father give birth to four children two boys and two girls as the last child he sterted as a singer in their church as he was growing he left nd he turnd as a sreet boy he joind a group known as ACT CITY ENTERTAINMENT after than he relised his first track at the age of 15 nd his child hood frends bento single nd nerstel relised thers in the year 2015 bento finex nd narstel they grew up as brothers nd they where looking what they want which is to ne like others they also looked for a name to answer which finex brought as riders. He scholled at evangal high school old umuahia

Moses Igbagri was born on the 6th 9th 1996 in a village of taraba state called Dan Anacha gassol local government, but from cross river state as a state of origin. He attended government day sec school Garba Chede. And conpleted his sec sch at the age of 15 as a science student

Adamu saidu enagi is a person from niger state edati local government the headiquater at the town of enagi, is a good guy and most inteligent scientist by name enagboy,he finish from model primary school enagi in 2009, after that he went to shiroro local government that is kuta town which he attend his junior secondary school which is bodo secondary school at the kuta town, he now went to bida to attend his senior secodary at government collage bida he graduate there at the town of bida.

Hello! The same applies for the bio on your company’s website. If you’ve been asked to write your own, think of a client who will visit the office. What should he know about potentially working on a project with you? By the way the best paper writing service that I saw: http://speedypaper.net/

Am a Ugandan by nationality born from kasese district and konzo by tribe.Graduate of St. Lawrence University. I like making friends and like playing cricket and football yet am a gal. Am funny i love travelling to new places. Am a christian and love God.Am the second last born of five children.We are all educated.

I really like the point about using the wikimarkup from another article, that could really come in handy. My biggest problem was writing in an encyclopedic manner and eventually decided to go with a paid editor. I found lots of useful information out there, plus this helpful post from a paid writing firm.

My milkman story when I was going for milk all suppose to go with cycle and bicycle but I will go for walk but my father I went to take milk my father shouting then I not lisen my father I am not my father and mother

Your methods as briefed above are sufficient enough to serve the purpose. But most of those steps mentioned didn’t clicked my mind. Kind of puzzled i am as to what to do next. I request you to send me a brief mail jotting down precisely the points mentioned here. That would be kind of helpful. ☺

THE BIOGRAPHY OF ZAHARADDEEN LAWAL DAN-MUSA.
Zaharaddeen Lawal Dan-Musa Born In Dutsin-ma Local Government On December 1986, Kaduna State Than Now Katsina State, Started his Primary Education at Yandaka Model Primary School Dutsin-ma In 1993 Recieved his Primary Leaving Certificate at Dan-musa Model Primary School In 1999.
Zaharaddeen Lawal Dan-musa Attended Government Pilot Secondary School Safana From 1999 to 2005 Were He Obtained Senior Secondary School Certificate. Study N.C.E Langueges Eng-Hau from Isa Kaita College Of Education Dutsin-ma In 2010.
A Casual Classroom Teacher at Government Day Secondary School Dan-musa From 2012 to 2015, He is Currently a Classroom Teacher at Dan-musa Model Primary School Dan-musa.

My name is Tyohungur Aondover was born 5/JULY/1997 from Tse_Kyanyon Mbater Ugondo Logo LGA Benue State. MY EDUCATIONAL ASSPECTS. Tyohungur Aondover start his primary school in 2004 at LGEA primary skul Tse-kyanyon and graduated in 2009 and he step further 2 JSS1 in 2010 till graduated in 2016 at Gboko International Sec Sch Gboko and he kep on hiz carreal and did his Diploma in General Computers at Barnamfel Information Technology Institute at Gboko,Benue state. MARITALT STATUS Single

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