Friday, June 8, 2012

I have a work-related trip coming up that I'm just dreading, mainly because of the co-worker I'll be traveling with. She's extremely religious, so she doesn't drink, curse, or watch R-rated movies or TV, and just generally won't shut up/read social cues. We'll have to drive there together in one car, stay in the same hotel room, and there will be quite a bit of down time, when drinking or trashy TV would come in handy.

The city we'll be going to is not terribly safe, so it doesn't leave much room for going exploring on my own. Other than hitting up the hotel gym for hours on end, what can I do to keep my sanity and not completely ruin my professional relationship with her?

Aw man, the sharing-a-room business trip is rough! But we can get you through it.

How long is it? If it's just a night or two, you can probably just suck it up and take an extra long time on your skincare routine to get a little alone time. But if it's more like a whole week, you'll need to set some boundaries. Because you are allowed to have a little space to do what you want, just as she's allowed to prefer a more Jesus-y atmosphere.

The best way to set a boundary is to be cheerful, polite, and relentless. For instance, let's say it's Night Three and you're feeling the need to not hear this woman's voice. How about you say something like, "I feel like watching a little TV, but I know that's not your thing, so I'll use my laptop and put my headphones on! Talk to you in a bit!" Wow, you're in such a great mood! Then flip over on your side away from her and get going on some Netflixes.

Or, walk over to the door and say, "I'm gonna go out for a walk — see you later!" on your way out, and then go to the hotel bar maybe? Or go hang out in the lobby with a book? I dunno. I guess I just want to make sure you don't spend the entire trip doing stuff you hate just because it seems easier than speaking up. So make sure you don't let that happen! You can do it! Practice with a friend before the trip! Relentlessly cheerful!

Also, for the long drive part, how about an audiobook? Two benefits here: you get to hear a great story, and also the other lady will have to shut up. There's a wide pool of non-heretic literature out there that you can both enjoy — something like Anne of Green Gables (free) or Heidi (also free) or the Little House books (unfortunately not free, but your library probably has it).

These could also give you something neutral and at least kind of interesting to talk about at meals and other times you're forced to converse. "I was SO GLAD when Marilla didn't make Anne go stay with Mrs. Blewett, weren't you?" Beats fire and brimstone talk, anyway.Hey gals, I just joined the roller derby in my city (Long Beach Roller Derby, holla!) I’ve been struggling with finding a name. Do you have any ideas for me?

That roller derby thing seems so gosh-darn much fun! I wish I knew what your first name was, or what kinds of things you like the most, so we could have something to start with! Maybe you can comment and the Pinners can get in on it, too.

Here are a few (silly) ideas, vetted for uniqueness against the International Derby Name Database.

Most of these offerings follow the time-honored pun-on-a-famous-name pattern. Another popular trope seems to be using your regular first name with an angry word as the last name. "Rage" is a good one — one syllable last names tend to scan well. Penny Rage. Edith Rage. Chloe Grace Rage. I like it. Stay away from "Smashlee," though. Over-saturated field.

My mom recently discovered my dad has been having an affair for a while. After 34 years of marriage, she's filing for divorce. She has been really level-headed through it, and I am so proud of how she’s handling it.

My dad retired a little early, and it looks like he’s been using his retirement fund to support this woman — moving her from a different city, new car, gambling, beautician school, etc. Furthermore, it looks like he's been lifting things from my mom’s jewelry box that he originally gave to her and giving them to the girlfriend. He was also planning to visit me this summer (I live in a different state), but my mom said she’s found evidence that he was probably planning a trip to see me for a bit and then leave for a vacation with her, all under the guise of visiting me.

Here are my questions: my mom is living in my brother’s house now, so he’s been helping her out a ton, but what can I do to help mom out from where I am? What in the world do I say besides, “I’m sorry this is happening”? And how do I deal with my dad? He was a great dad when I was growing up — these things he’s doing now, I feel like I don’t know who this person is. I feel sick about the lowness of his actions and the betrayal of our whole family, especially my mom. And I really think he’s getting played, and when his money is gone, this lady will be gone too. His whole retirement fund! Can I tell him I’m worried about that?

You certainly can tell him you're worried about that! And that you're hurt by what an asshat he's being. He may or may not listen to you, but I think you should DEFINITELY TELL HIM how his actions are making you feel sick and betrayed and scared. Because it sounds like he's so far up inside his own ass that he may not even realize!

Seriously! WTF is going on in his brain? What do you think? Does he seem fairly normal or does he seem extra bonkers? What's his attitude like? Do you think he might be on something scary? I only ask because stealing jewelry from loved ones seems more like meth-addled than general mid-life-crisis behavior. But maybe I'm just too paranoid. You see some stuff, being A Lady. SMDH.

Anyway, yes, you can and should definitely talk to him and tell him exactly what you told us. That you love him and he has been a wonderful dad but you don't understand what is going on now and in addition it feels like a knife in your heart. If he wants to leave your mom and be with someone else, that's one thing ... but why the stealing? Why the lying? Why the vindictiveness? And does he realize what it looks like this new lady is doing to him? Has he considered that she might not be who he thinks she is?

Many situations in life can and should be cheerily glossed over, but this is not one of them. The man needs The Realest Talk. Maybe with you AND your brother together? A united front can help get the point across, or at least deflect some of the anger and defensiveness he's going to lob back at you. Be prepared that he may not want to talk to you for a while, but if it wakes him up even the tiniest little bit, it will have been worth it, right?

And, God, your poor mom. I have had to edit out about a dozen superfluous WTFs from this response to you because clearly this is out of left field and completely awful. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way! I want to help her, too!

I wonder, what is her financial situation like? Does she need some assistance getting assets into an account he can't touch? Does she need a safe place to stash the last of her dwindling jewels or other logistical help to protect herself? Maybe she could use a vacation to visit you?

She's got a lot to work through: first the shock and pain of being betrayed, and then process of sorting out what she's going to do next. She'll need time for mulling and stewing, but mixed in with that she also needs something else to do with herself. Maybe a mom-daughter long-distance book club? 2312 just came out if you're nerds! Or a regular Skype and coffee date? Does she have any close friends nearby? Or is there a club she could join or a class she could take? These activities are post-breakup cliches for a reason — they work.

With time, and with extra infusions of sweetness from all of you who love her, she'll figure it out. And I bet it would help her a ton to hear what you wrote, that you think she's been amazing through all this. But you probably already told her; you sound like a really lovely daughter.

As for your dad, well ... may I just again say WTF. Who knows what is going to happen with him. Maybe he'll snap out of it. Or maybe he's totally blowing up his life for good. Either way, what he does impacts you and you're totally within your rights to let him know that. It might not change his actions, but at least you will have said your piece and gotten some sort of reaction from him that lets you know where you stand.

Ughhh what are 20 things to do that are better than smoking?!?!

First off, GO YOU! Breaking the shackles of The Man and His Wack Tobaccy! Freeing up your lungs for better things! A Lady is very proud of you!

Anyhow, here's your list of 20 things. I'm not sure these are all more fun than smoking, but they are at least better in that they won't kill you dead! Also, I tried to include activities that you could actually do rather than stuff like "Travel the galaxy with Jean Luc Picard" or "Wish for three more wishes." Though I guess anything's possible! Anyway!

1. Swimming.
2. Masturbating.
3. Drinking tea.
4. Playing Katamari on your phone.
5. Messing around with makeup while watching tutorials and drinking wine.
6. Walking around your neighborhood taking pictures of bugs.
7. Reading a book under a tree.
8. Taking a bike ride alongside a river.
9. Making some simple linocut prints.
10. Writing letters to your friends on dog stationery with extra stickers.
11. Epic thrifting.
12. Planning and throwing a slightly fancier party than you normally would.
13. Mapping out a pretend vacation to Vietnam or Tanzania or wherever. Approx. 50% as good as a real vacation.
14. Knocking over blocks, running back and forth, and giggling at nothing with a one-year-old.
15. Adult coloring.
16. Putting on some music and deep cleaning your fridge / closet / whatever.
17. Visiting that cool place in your town that you never get around to visiting.
18. Eating oranges or ice cream or french fries or buttered biscuits or strawberry pretzel salad or anything really.
19. Dancing your ass off for a really long time and realizing you're not out of breath.
20. Going into a smoky room a year after quitting and realizing how gross it smells, and that you no longer smell like that. Winner!

@maybe partying will help I love making up derby names! I wish it was my job. Here are some of my favs: Killary Clinton (or Killary Duff), Vanessa Bludgeons, Gwen Stabfani, Jane Lynched, Faith Kill. (Okay, so I just like celebrity puns maybe?)

@anachronistique "Cuttin Foster" is funny because cutting the track is a penalty. I'm an official :) Killary Clinton used to play for Boston.

As for the LW's question, I would try to pick something related to your interests instead of a generic pun. It's more likely to be free, and you will be called by this name by everyone always so it should be something you really relate to.

You can check here to see if a name is already registered: www.twoevils.org/rollergirls/

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Oh god, I forgot some of the older ones: Assault, Exterminator, Regret, and Lookout. Who the hell names their thoroughbred Exterminator? I mean, what was that, a warning to its handlers?

@maybe partying will help I have a fictional "Country Roses" derby league with friends, meaning we just make up names:
Shania Pain
Reba Smackintire
Taylor Swiftkicktotheballs
Slammy Wynette
and so on and so forth....

This is relevent to my interests because I just this week had my first Fresh Meat training session with one of the derby leagues in my city! Ladies, they told us during the info session that it would be rigorous and intense, and they weren't lying. My legs are so stiff that I'm walking like C3PO. But fun! Oh, so fun.

I've been brainstorming names for weeks in preparation, and I've narrowed it down to either Penny Maim (Beatles fanatic here) or Princess Slayah (Star Wars geek too). Since Princess Slayah appears to be taken, Penny Maim will likely be it.

@maybe partying will help Zom-bea Arthur... though I suppose it doesn't convey lightning speed. I think I just want someone to use that name for something... roller derby, a Halloween costume, anything, I don't care.

@maybe partying will help Derby Names I have thought of...
Sylvia Wrath
Laura Bomb(h)er
Helena Troy
Lizzie Borden (not a pun, I know...)
(I want to do Derby more than almost anything not involving a motor, but I can't because of my stupid job and not having health insurance.

ALSO! Can I tell you how very, very, verrrry much I love and adore your username? Suzy Creamcheese is my go-to standard default example name in class, along with Little Johnny England. I can't even with how awesome it is to think about paneer made from Qream. (Well, it's kinda gross, but nevertheless, AWESOME.)

@missedconnections Holly GoFightMe is miles and miles better than my idea of Holla Golightly (although I did lift the "Holla" part from Pamie Ribon, whose writing I love and who convinced me that anyone can be a derby girl)

The best (already taken) derby name I've ever heard of has got to be Ninja Simone.

Also, I promised a friend that she could have this as her derby name, but she'll probably never even bother so I'll just leave this (outdated name) here: Veronica Sars.

@maybe partying will help I introduced my 14yo niece to derby here in Seattle and she LOVES it! She has so much fun watching the bouts and cheering for the tough chicks on the tracks. We figured even if we weren't skating, we needed our own derby name, so I'm Chile Con Carnage, and her name is Brianna, so she's Briannimal CrackHer. :D

Also, a dear friend of mine is the medic for the Dallas Derby Devils. Since his for-real name is Rebel, he's Rebel With All The Gauze. And his number is 911, natch. :D :D :D

@maybe partying will help If I ever do have the time or money to get into roller derby, I'll be Tommie Destroyer. My jersey number will be 2112 but you have to think outside of the American Literature box to get that one.

One of the best derby names I've heard of is that of a friend of mine, who goes by Arson Crafts.

@Megano! No shit. As I read on my jaw slowly dropped further and further, eyes widened wider and wider, while my eyebrows furrowed more furiously and furiously-er. Steam shot out my ears. I like A Lady's advice a lot. Don't keep mum on this one.

@Megano! I think if my dad started acting like that very suddenly, I'd try to get him to go to the doctor, honestly. Sudden changes of personality can, of course, just be people being awful, but sometimes it's a sign of a mental condition or something physical, like brain deterioration in a certain area or a tumor. It's far-fetched but better safe than sorry.

ETA: didn't read all the comments before posting, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who was like, "Maybe his brain has gone bad?"

@Megano! I have a dad who is deeply depressed, has no money to divorce or get treated and says things like "your little sister (12!!!) is a damn stupid stupid girl". It is very hard to accept that this is not the same person who raised me and that my mom refuses to leave him. So I moved across the country to Mexico City and send him emails maybe once a month. I am mad, but mostly I am sad and scared.

@Megano! my dad had a completely crazy affair during the time a massive malignant tumor grew in his brain.... my mother never found out, but it definitely happens! i really hope this is not what's going on in LW's case.

@Megano! OK I am telling this story NOT AT ALL meaning to be offensive to anyone whose parents/loved ones are truly affected by brain tumors, because I know that is a super tragic and sensitive issue BUT:

A few years ago my dad skipped out on my family for a woman he'd known for 3 months (and then married her, and proceeded to inform me of his nuptials via email. Oh the stories I could tell!) and a counselor told me that when he did these totally out of character, hurtful things to pretend that he had a brain tumor. Surprisingly, to get through the initial shock and awe, it really did help, even if it was totally a denial technique, but it was at least a way to try to still love my dad while hating what he was doing (? maybe? I don't know).

Also my brothers and I tried the "Real Talk" thing with him and it didn't work. But obviously every case is different, and LW should definitely try it, at least to not leave any cards on the table, so to speak. Parents!

@meetapossum Commiseration! It has been a month and one week since I quit and though I backslid a couple weeks ago (I was visiting home and all my siblings and a couple friends smoke and saying no to an offered smoke is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE) I have otherwise been smoke free!

@meetapossum Yay! Nice work! May I also suggest knitting/crocheting as a good distraction? It keeps your hands busy AND you can still watch tv and talk to people. Best of all, you end up making things!

@meetapossum I'd also recommend breath mints or gum - I know it's totally cliché, but I got super into really weird kinds of breath fresheners that can only be found at small town country stores (Black Jack licorice gum, anyone?). Having something interesting to offer at parties was almost as good as going outside for a cigarette. Also, taking a short vacation away from your smoking friends right when you first quit is really helpful. And having something healthy on hand to do/eat/occupy yourself with every time you want a cigarette. Again, with the breath mints! Finally, having a cylindrical prop (i.e. pencil) that you can thoughtfully take draws on while looking wistfully into the distance and thinking of cigarettes is good too.

@roadtrips I picked up some orange flavored gum when I stopped smoking. Anything different from the regular flavor you chew will be helpful. Also, cinnamon sticks are a great oral engagement substitute. About the same size and oddly calming. Keep one in your car, along with a pen or something to chew on in traffic. The thing I found to be the most important was to just change my normal everything - switched coffee to tea; kept my phone conversations short; didn't get too full; ate A LOT of stick like foods - carrots, apple slices, pretzel sticks, etc.

@roadtrips when I quit, I used a smoking cessation group, and one of the counselor's best bits of advice was strongly-flavored candies. You want something to replace that blast o' cancer. I ate a TON of Hot Tamales candies, and for years afterwards, I craved those candies when I was stressed out. (I quit, crap, let's say over ten years ago.)

@meetapossum @TheUnchosenOne Hey girls hey! I quit April 11th, and it's awesome. I also had some people quit with me (thank god), but I'm also RICH! IF you're from America, Canadian cigarettes cost $10-$14 per pack.

Oh god, that dad thing hits a little close to home. Only a little, though, but here's the thing: my stepmom of...ten years? About ten years just left my dad. And by left, I mean, they live in another country, she had family visiting, and under the guise of seeing them off to the airport, SHE LEFT WITH THEM. And he didn't know where she was until she emailed him the next morning to say she wasn't coming back.

Ahhhhhh PARENTS WHAT ARE YOU DOING. I visited them a few months ago, and their relationship definitely seemed strained--stepmom has a disability that makes it difficult for her to go out on her own, especially in a country where she doesn't really speak the language, and Dad was getting frustrated with her fear of going out on her own for reasons that I have to admit I don't really understand--I'd be scared to go to the grocery store too, and I am able-bodied! But Dad has problems of his own (chronic depression being one of them), and...argh. Anyway, I'm not surprised that this happened in general, per se, although I am surprised that stepmom felt the need to take action in this particular way, especially since my dad (according to him at least) had been offering to take her and her stuff back to the US, but instead she left on a plane with NONE OF HER STUFF. No photos, no paintings (she's an artist), no jewelry, nothing.

I guess I don't have a real point in sharing, this, just...even though it's been a few weeks, I'm still sort of boggled. I only have my dad's side of the story, and while I love my stepmom there's a lot I don't know about her, and I just...parennnnts, guysssss. And I'm worried for my dad, even though he periodically messages me to let me know he's okay, and I have been feeling too awkward to email my stepmom to let her know that if she wants to talk, I'm here, but if she hates my family's guts and never wants to talk again, that's okay too??? Because, augh. I probably won't be seeing her face-to-face because her US-home is across the country from me. I hope that going back home makes her happier, because it seemed like she was getting a lot of stuff dumped on her in the previous situation, but I hope my dad doesn't have a depressive fugue--I know he's a grown man and can ostensibly take care of himself, but sometimes, he really can't. He was depressed for much of my childhood, the stay-in-bed-all-day kind of depressed, and I thought he was doing better and now things have just crumbled again and his third wife wants nothing to do with him.

Parents! They're people and they're complicated and aren't always very happy, but this whole thing makes me feel so sad and awkward. (Also, I may be the most stable person in my family at this point? This with Dad, Mom has cancer, brother has depression too and no job...)

@anachronistique It is so hard! I figured parts of it out earlier (partially thanks to Calvin & Hobbes), but even so it doesn't always really hit home like it did when Dad called me. Internet hugs are appreciated from you and @ormaisonogrande.

I can't see the comment anymore from the stepmom encouraging me to email my own stepmom, but thank you for the kick in the pants! I am going to, right now, and will be as understanding as I can no matter what her response is. I just want her to know that I care about her as a person, not just as the woman filling the stepmom role.

@frigwiggin Email your stepmom and tell her you are thinking about her and hope she is okay, and that you love her. You can do that. Do it. If you want to, you can also tell her if there is something you can do to help, she should call you and if can help her, you will.

She can never reply or tell you to not talk to her or say a neutral thank you, or whatever. But make that gesture. I would want my stepdaughter who loved me to do that.

@frigwiggin Holy shit. All the internet-hugs, indeed. It's possible, between her disability and the inna-foreign-country thing, she felt like if she tried to do it by herself, or stop and pack stuff up, she wouldn't be able to go through with it. Definitely email her and let her know you still care about her, and you're there if she wants to talk.

This could easily be one of those things where two or three months from now, when she's been in a supportive and familiar environment for a while, she'll look back on the cannonball-run weirdness and wonder what she was thinking because she could have handled that a lot better.

I emailed her. It was short and awkward, but I didn't want to fill it up with too much dithering, since I am a first-class ditherer, and thought that an excess of "you don't have to if you don't want to, I mean, I understand if you don't, I probably wouldn't either" would just be off-putting. And I tried not to say too much about how I hope she's happier now that she's living near her children and grandkids and with her dogs again, because I thought it would sound sarcastic, even though it's not. I guess I'll have time to say more things if she wants to hear from me.

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Thanks for the hugs--I am trying to mentally forward them on to the other people who need them in this situation, because it's not even like it's happening to ME, I'm just seeing and feeling the fallout.

@frigwiggin Good for you! Even if she doesn't write back, at least you'll feel better for having tried. If you're worried about your dad--which seems like a completely reasonable thing, given his history and current circumstances--maybe try to work out a contact schedule with him so you can worry less? Like, instead of periodic messages, maybe weekly phone calls? And if he has any local contacts who can check on him in case you don't hear from him for a while, see if he's comfortable giving you their number/email.

@frigwiggin I'm so glad you emailed her. I feel like the Big Important Life Lesson that I gained from my parents' incredibly contentious divorce is that their relationship with each other is entirely, totally separate from my relationship with each of them. Wanting a relationship with your stepmother (or even just telling her you care about her) doesn't have to have anything to do with your relationship with your father.

Good luck, too, with your dad. It can be so hard and frightening to have a parent that isn't terribly emotionally stable.

@frigwiggin I went through something (sort of?) similar with my stepmom last year. After 5 years of being a mostly lovely lady who I was really quite close too she went off the deep end. Accused my dad of stealing money from her, tried to take out a restraining order against him (which the judge threw out as it had no basis in things like facts), sent pretty unbalanced and mean letters to my brother and I, just became a total nightmare.
Well, after my father, brother and I cut ties with her b/c she was being so horrible, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She got on meds, came home and my dad took her back, much to my surprise.
All of this happened when I was in the middle of a 8 month backpacking trip through Asia and unfolded dramatically over my email and skype. When I got back it was like nothing ever happened? Very unsettling.

@dracula's ghost Same! I'm seriously down with 1-3, 5, 6 if you replace bugs with flowers, cats, or houses, 7-9, 10 if you replace dog stationery with cat stationery (I have a lot of cat stationery), and 11-19. Yay, stuff to do on the weekend!

I thought of that too! Though the mom in this instance is described as being so strong, and moving forward with divorce planning, that I wonder if perhaps this dad was never a model citizen and the LW and her brother were just protected from knowing until now what their mother was dealing with for so long.
It sounds like a horrible situation, and perhaps now that her children are grown she's decided she's ready to get out, and she's lucky to have such a good daughter who wants to help.

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I thought this too! It seems like there have been a lot of sort of popular science articles out later about different forms of dementia besides Alzheimer's, which can really make people act strangely and hurtfully surprisingly young. In some cases it seemed like "normal" strange behavior if that makes sense-- turning mean vs. having seizures or aphasia or something.

@City_Dater This might be true, too. Maybe the mom is just tired of covering up for ol' shitty dad. But the LW might as well rule out a medical diagnosis, because then she can really flame on.

Also, I read a Dear Prudence recently (addicted; her and Dear Sugar) where a daughter wrote in and said her dad started openly dating a 25-year-old woman while still married to his wife, and they actually found a brain tumor was causing his behavior. He was mortified to realize what he had been doing once it was removed and he recovered.

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I thought of that, too. Like, dad, do you need a mistress, or an MRI?

Part of me also thought that City_Dater might be right. I have a few friends whose fathers went nuts while they (the friends) were at university. In one case, the father converted to Scientology, had an affair, refused to pay for his kids' educations (his ex-wife, my friend's mother, was a SAHM, so no money there), and stopped going to the doctor/dentist (he goes to a chiropractor instead.) At first, everyone was like "does he have a tumour?" but he's been like this for years now, so....it looks like that's just who he is? (His ex-wife had gone to great lengths while they were married to cover up his assholery. But now there's no one to stop him letting it all hang out.)

@geek_tragedy Right. And I'm not trying to excuse LW's dad's behavior or anything; I just really like being right when I yell at someone, so if I can rule out any biological reasons for acting awful, it makes me even right-er.

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I'm so glad you beat me to saying that! I read Dear Prudie religiously and that was the first thing I thought of. Not that it's necessarily the explanation, but it would be good to rule that out.

I'm super busy at work so I don't have time to give all these letters a well thought out, helpful response, but I just want to say to LW3: I am SO SORRY. I feel awful for you, your mom, and your brother, and I hope hope hope things get better and your dad realizes what a horrible person he is being. I found out my freshman year of college that my dad was having an affair (my parents divorced 2 years later) and he stopped giving my mom his share of my college expenses (even though her job pays next to nothing) so that he could build his dreamhouse where he could live with his girlfriend. So I am sending you so many hugs since I know how it feels!

Oh LW3, I feel you. same thing happened to me while I was in college, except my parents are semi-still together (my dad lives in a different state for his job), and the affair ended after we found out. the woman he cheated on my mom with was fucking psycho and stalked our family for a while after it all came out in the open (sadly it was because this woman contacted my younger brother via facebook and freaked him out).

advice: make sure your mom knows that you're doing OK, so she doesn't feel as much of a need to worry about you and your brother on top of herself. try to get in the habit of talking about it openly with your brother and father--not doing this was my mistake and now stuff kinda sucks. it's okay to feel sick and angry and betrayed and to hate your dad, but try not to hold onto it for too long.

Ha! "Relentlessly cheerful" - with a heaping side of "super perky" is totally how I deal with so many people , because it seems more productive than withering sarcasm and point-blank assertions that they are an idiot. It is also how I deal with situations when I am feeling insecure (new workplace, awkward networking events, etc.) In part because no one wants to talk to a complainer (who they don't know).

@redheaded&crazie That is precisely how I am handling my coworkers today! There's 2 who hate each other and always talk in this gritted-teeth sort of way, but I'm just continuing on in the conversation in this relentlessly cheerful/"I'm refusing to acknowledge your drama" way. It takes effort, but it's worth it to not get myself involved.

Oh god, re: Madmen and smoking. When I marathon watched it, I slumped down on my couch so that my stomach became a surface on which to set things, balanced a glass of bourbon and an ash tray on my stomach-table and chain smoked. Inside the house. What a day.

Smoker-lady! The thing that drove me battiest about quitting smoking was that I could no longer just get up and say "eff this noise" and go have a smoke for five minutes any more. No more tiny breaks built into my day. Finding something to fill that gap was SUPER crucial for me because smoking isn't really activity in and of itsef, it's a tiny filler activity.

I used to sneak my DS into the bathroom and let myself play for five minutes. Now if it's nice out, I take walks around the block. For me finding tiny things to sneak in where cigarettes used to go, went a long, long way.

@H.E. Ladypants This is what my friend is most excited about after quitting. "I took a shower and then went back to bed and napped before work! Because that's when I would usually have a cigarette!" "I went to Best Buy and played video games! Because that's when I would usually have a cigarette!"

@H.E. Ladypants Nice. I turned my cigarette breaks into apple breaks. Literally, I'd be standing outside the theater with all the smokers, eating an apple for fifteen minutes every two hours. Cig breaks were the only time we black box dwellers saw sunlight; I couldn't give it up!!!

@H.E. Ladypants Yes, yes, totally agree, and there's evidence that smokers don't just use smoke breaks as breaks from boredom, but also as breaks from conflict. They don't deal with troublesome things in their lives (having that necessary throw-down with signif other, tackling that scare-inducing task at work, etc.) because when the tension gets too high, they bail and have a cigarette. This was me, until I quit 5 years ago:)

@Megano! THERE IS ONLY AN ANDROID ONE FOR PEOPLE IN SOME ASIAN COUNTRY I AM GUESSING JAPAN. NEVER WANTED AN IPHONE BEFORE BUT NOW I DO. (extreme glee--Katamari on your phone!!!!!--followed by extreme disappointment--but not on MY phone!!!!!)

AUDIOBOOKS, the best thing I learned for road trips is that every Cracker Barrel rents audiobooks on CD for like $3 a week and you can return them to any other Cracker Barrel in the nation. It's awesome! I usually go whatever trashy vampire novel they have but I bet you can find something that you can both agree on. Although, maybe be careful, when I was there a few weeks back they had Glenn Beck's book and some alternative history crap by Newt Gingrich which I think would be turrible to listen to.

I'm currently trying to finish this awful vampire book by Meg Cabot I got when I road tripped to Fort Worth a few weeks back.

Smoker! I quit a month or two ago with a PHONE APP. This is my third time quitting - I've done the gum, I've done the lozenges - but this stupid phone app seems to have made it stick. I used QUIT NOW! which does the standard "keep track of how many days it's been since you quit and also here's how much you're saving" but then it also gives you goals to work toward like "HEY LET'S GET YOUR SMELL BACK GIRL" or "CHANCES OF SUDDENLY DROPPING DEAD WAY DOWN". Shop around! Helped me!

@heb I second this app! It makes it kind of a fun game. "Are you over your physical addiction to nicotine yet?" Especially if you live in New York because you will be like "WOW I have so much extra money now!"

@heb Thanks for the recommendation! I'm almost 3 weeks in and feel like this will help a LOT, now that the initial "look at me, just not giving a fuck and quitting after ten years" has worn off.
However, when I saw how much it calculated I have spent on cigarettes since 2000, it made me want to literally throw myself off of a bridge.
HOORAY for more money.

@freelee It's also really helpful to channel that money towards some other activity. When I became a non-smoker I traded the money I spent on cartons for a Y membership, and started working out all.the.time. I was in crazy good shape and so exhausted I didn't think about smoking. This from someone who pretty much hates working out. The yoga stuck as a good substitute for stress relief but after about 3 months I abandoned pilates. I'm ok with that.

@heb Not trying to harsh on your quit, but just FYI, you're not really free until you quit the nicotine. Which will always feel like cold-turkey quitting, the patches/gums just stretch out the agony. So you might as well just do it and be done with it sooner:)
www.whyquit.com is an awesome help.

@Nutmeg Not to be all internet alarmist, but that was effectively what happened when I had Whooping Cough at Age 14! I'd have a big coughing fit and then my throat would close entirely (like beyond being out of breath. My windpipe would fully just close). But get thee to a doctor if any variation of not breathing after coughing is happening!

@Nutmeg If you are anywhere near Washington state, there is a huuuuuuuuuuuge whooping cough epidemic going on, and you need to get your ass to a doctor, asap. I mean I would recommend that anyway, because of the "suffocate a little" part. @heythatsmybike is on to something there.

Anne of Green Gables! I am rereading the kindle version based on the hairpin's recommendation and it is just as good as when I was 8! The Dryad's Bubble! Scope for the imagination! It is basically perfect, is what I'm saying.

I really feel for LW1. I think it's unfair that you have to radically alter your lifestyle to accomodate this other woman. I think if it's a long trip, you should at least get to watch tv sometimes. Warn her first so she can find something else to do. You deserve a bit of comfort too.

@Inconceivable! Yarp, it is. Even better, I know a couple rec leagues of retired and banged-up skaters who refer to themselves as the Auntie Mames. Gotta say, I also love the names that are kinda derby dissonance, like Strawberry and Mouse.

I quit after 15 years of smoking & then caught the whooping cough! It's a very effective way to get through the craving times, for you're physically incapable of inhaling smoke without coughing to the point of muscle spasms. (Downside: you're physically incapable of inhaling at all without coughing to the point of muscle spasm.) It's been three years without a lapse, and while half of that time was spent recovering from pertussis, it's nice to have lung capacity back, finally.

On a related note: get your TDAP vaccination! It's no joke, the whooping cough.

@aphrabean Hey weird! I just talked about pertussis upthread! PERTUSSIS TWINS! Except I was 14 and apparently was part of a small uptick in diagnoses as the result of a large batch of TDAP vaccines that apparently wore off too quickly. LUCKY ME!

@aphrabean This happened to my mom, who had smoked for forty-six years. She got a wretched week-long bronchitis and was physically unable to smoke (although she tried, which was awful). She has now gone seven months without smoking.

@aphrabean All of the pertussis people, this is the entire Hairpin readership's warning to everyone: GO GET YOUR PERTUSSIS BOOSTER SHOT. All adults need one, but you may not know it. GO GET IT. Whooping cough sucks for adults, but it really sucks for babies (who are often not old enough to get the shot in the first place) and a bunch of babies died in California because of this. Even if you're not around babies that often it doesn't matter, this is what herd immunity is all about. GO GET YOUR PERTUSSIS BOOSTER.

LW1, would it be feasible for you to get your own room & pay the difference yourself? It would suck to have to do that, but as preventative sanity care it might be worth it. My mom used to pay for a solo room when she was expected to double up on work trips, though in her case it was more because she is very introverted & needed the alone time.

LW3, help your mom get a lawyer, if she doesn't have one already!!! She is almost certainly entitled to some of your dad's retirement savings, and if he is spending it on a mistress, a good lawyer will help her figure out (and get) her fair share.

When I quit smoking I flossed my teeth anytime the cravings got super bad. Keeps your hands busy, your mouth busy, and improves your dental hygiene! I also sometimes took a break to spend five minutes french braiding my hair, then unbraiding it. Again, kept the hands busy and bonus, I learned to do a killer french braid!

@Briony Fields I know I sound like an insufferable nerd saying this, but flossing is really the best--just flossing once a day has made all the difference for me. I just went to the dentist and I was actually *blushing* from all the compliments. So, I heartily endorse this method, especially since smoking can promote plaque buildup (yes, I'm a nerd)!

@Katzen-party Yes!!! Flossing enthusiasts unite! I used to get mad compliments too, but last time I had a cavity between two teeth! SHAME. Turns out the floss I'd been using didn't have fluoride in it. I made the switch, so here's hoping for good results. I want my impeccable flossing record back!

I just started derby and the name was so hard to choose. My advice? Give it some time and see what nicknames happen. There are some really amazing nicknames that just happen in practices and on bus rides, and if you're just starting you have some time.

Also worth considering (major!) is what the name will be shortened to. My derby wife was going to go with Kill Joy and we realized she might have been Joy for short and that does not match her at all.

I was so bummed that Apocalipstick was taken, and I offer you Lady Mary Brawley. Good luck!

I love the smoking alternatives list, and I'm not even a smoker! It reminds me of a really useful thing I read on Zen Habits about how to stop wasting so much time on the internet. It works like this: make a list of things that you really WANT to do but never get around to because you're Facebooking or whatever. Then, whenever you feel the urge to look at your dumb website of choice, immediately do something else for 5 minutes instead (i.e. draw a picture, make a cup of tea, read a few pages of a novel, take a short walk, etc.). After 5 minutes, the urge will have passed, and you've had a short but enjoyable break rather than a regrettable hour of mindless internetting.

ya know, my dad did some similarly bonkers shit over a decade ago... jeez, thinking back (I try not to unless I'm called upon) this shit was BON.KERS. really vile, hurtful shit. Eventually, after the failed intervention (WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE) i sent him a long, cathartic email telling him that i couldn't continue to be sucked up in the vortex of "WTF" that was his life, and then cut off communications to him. That lasted about 5 years. Since then, he's come clean (after hitting rock bottom) and we've cobbled together a relationship again. Not saying that's what LW3 should do, but i think we worked everything out pretty well.

LW1: I travel a lot for work and usually end up rooming with 3 other people. Download a bunch of movies and TV shows onto your laptop, put on headphones and watch, or bring a book or two. If you're spending 24 hours together for days at a time, no one expects you to socialize the whole time.

@MilesofMountains Yeah, and who knows, maybe the travel-buddy isn't so bad. I'm a non-religious leftie and really enjoyed housesharing with a religious Republican, unexpectedly. It helped that she was very sweet and accepting of me and by no means wholly defined by those labels. I like my personal space so would find it tough sharing a room with anyone, but sometimes radically different people can get along.

For roller derby names:
-One pun per name. (Trying to shoe-horn an extra joke in there doesn't make your name any funnier, and it just upsets me. Please consider my needs.)
-Please don't do the thing where you change a word that ends in -ER to -HER, so like, beatER to beat-HER or whatever. It is played out to the max times infinity.
-Nobody is ever going to call you your full derby name. They will call you either the first word of your name, or your initials, or some portion of your name that is easy to yell across the rink with a mouth guard in. The downside to calling yourself Mary Hadalittlelamb (excellent name. Please use this one) is that then your badass derby name becomes "Mary," and people just get confused.
-Please consider refraining from grossing me out with your name by making it too graphically sexual or violent. This goes double for the gentleman derbists of the world: enough with the dick jokes.

Also, please consider using either a non-menacing, non-sexy name, because it will be so refreshing! Also also: please consider going by Eudora Welty, or Virginia Dentata.

Okay, first the easy one: a wise old friend tells me that whenever he felt like having a cigarette while trying to quit, he would take a long, deep breath, and it would pass. That somehow makes sense. The oxygen rush and the zen probably has an effect.

Now for the LW with the dad running amok in the middle of a midlife crisis: he isn't the first and he isn't that last man to throw everything -- the respect of his children and peers, his retirement fund, his dignity -- for a last chance at a young lady's bones. It was going to happen, whether with an earnest, truly in love young lady, or a shifty, conniving one. So, relax on that front. It happens to everyone. Some are just wise enough not to get caught, and can save their marriage once it's over. Most wives do not forgive this kind of thing. Also, many wives are actually kind of relieved to have an excuse to divorce this guy who they've lost all their passion for anyway.

But definitely tell your dad what you think. Or have the woman investigaged by a detective! That might be helpful. I'd do that in a heartbeat. Yeah, it might result in a little humiliation for your dad, depending on the results, but humiliation comes with the territory of midlife crises. He'll get over it if he feels that you haven't taken sides and started hating him on behalf of your mom.

Remember, now that you're grown up, it's no longer your parents' duty to be mommy and daddy. They're people, people with weaknesses and who make mistakes. They stood by you all these years while you did ridiculous things, now it's your turn. That is, if they're worth it and have done their duty by you.

LW #1, reading at the bar is great. That's what I always used to do when I wanted to drink at a bar but had no one to do it with. And reading while drinking sometimes helps you drink more slowly than you otherwise would alone (being at a bar alone can make you accidentally chug it), because you get caught up in the story. That and coffee shops are what I would do, though the Netflix-on-the-computer is a good idea as well.

I can't believe your cheap-ass workplace is making you share a room, btw. I've never heard of any of my friends having to share a damn room on a business trip. It might be worth it to talk to your boss/HR and tell them that sharing a room with co-workers makes you uncomfortable. I mean, I think it would make many of us uncomfortable.

@rocknrollunicorn Probably works in higher ed or non-profit??? Lucky these days to even get a conference paid for! Luckily, when I went to such a conference with the LW traveling companion-type, it was to an area with lots of family-friendly activities, and we had quite a good time!

Ok, I'm LW3.
Thanks everyone for being nice and for having such good advice. How strange it is to think that just communicating with your family could be all the answers! This situation has really brought to light how poor the communication is (was?) in our family. It is really hard to start now, but at this point I feel like I don't have anything left to lose. That may be something good that comes out of all of this - improved communication with my family, which brings healthy relationships and a closer family and etc etc!
To the commenters - Unfortunately(?) I don't think my dad has a brain tumor (or is on meth, for that matter). His side of the family has always been kind of sketchy, and I think his sketch is just coming out now that he has time to kill.
My mom is in great financial shape - she works in the medical field & actually has way more in savings than my dad - even with the blow to their combined savings, they have always both had some of their own accounts, thank goodness.
They saw a mediator and agreed to things without yelling, I am told. However, while my brother, mom, and I have talked about my dad's infidelity, nobody has talked about it with my dad, and he hasn't said anything. When my mom said she was filing for divorce, he didn't ask why, he just said, "Ok, if that's what you want." Such a strange world. I guess things are going ok-ish now though.
Oh yeah, and I'm not sure exactly how she knows, but mom said she thinks this affair has already recently ended. Also, mom got herself a therapist and has been busying herself with extra time with the granddaughter. Go mom!
Thanks again for the kind and helpful words.

@sortofanonymous Your mom sounds like a badass. Sorry your whole family has been thrust into such a strange maelstrom of WTF-ness. No useful advice, just sympathy/admiration. You seem to be handling this way better than I would!

@sortofanonymous Wow, go your mom! I said this above, but I only brought up the tumor thing because it's nice to be able to scratch that off the list before laying into dear old dad about his behavior. It was in no way meant to excuse his weird spiral. I hope things work out well for you; looks like your mom has a rad support system in you.

@sortofanonymous Kudos to your mom for dealing with this so well*! I imagine if she suspected something was afoot for some time, she's probably already been through the angry bits as well as much of the grieving. Sounds like the three of you are doing some good talking/airing out.

*It's funny how we (not 'pinners, but society overall) assume women are going to either completely wilt away, or else go totally ballistic. There's not much cultural room for us to just go, ok, that's a really crappy thing that just happened to me, fuck that noise, I'm going out with my friends and getting on with life.

@sortofanonymous I am so proud of your mom, and I don't know her or you. Kudos!

So, as someone with a very together mom and an emotionally unstable dad (who have been divorced forever), I feel like I should also say: coming to terms with the fact that my parents' relationship with each other doesn't have to have anything to do with me or their relationships with me has been really important. I totally agree that you should talk to your dad if that's something you'd like to do. But it's also okay to put up some boundaries once things settle down. I do not participate in any conversations related to the divorce, to my mum's supposed terribleness, the relative fairness of my decisions around things like time spent with each parent, any of that. I do what I feel like is right and what I want to do, and I do not get involved in shit that I don't need to be involved in.

In other words, if you want to have a relationship with your dad because he's your dad and you love him and he was a good father, it is absolutely okay to do so. You won't be betraying your mom or condoning his legitimately horrible and upsetting behavior. Obviously you don't need permission from an internet stranger to do that, but I just thought it was worth mentioning.

@sortofanonymous Isn't the "elephant in the room" of infidelity such a mindfuck? my dad was also cheating in numerous ways, and that's one thing we never discussed, through all the hashing-out that went on.
You guys sound like you're on the right path. I'm glad your mom is doing ok, all things considered. Just don't forget that your place in this family means that this affects you as well, and you'll be surprised at the grief and fear and anger that your parents splitting up during your adult years can engender. Stay tuned to your feelings and do what you gotta do (therapy? boundary setting? selective drinking?) to help get you through. I'll be thinking of you!

@teenie SUCH a mindfuck! I think I've decided to make a conscious effort to say something to him about it specifically, even if it has to be in a letter or something.
I do feel very much grief and anger right now. It has definitely made me look at the communication between me and my (long-distance) boyfriend too. There's a lot to process, and it is definitely affecting how I look at other things in life now.
I started out with lots of eating and imbibing things! But now I'm trying to put my efforts into picking up extra work shifts and exercising. The exercising is a good kind of bad, because it hurts, but it makes me feel in control.

@stuffisthings As an expert, professional and experienced smoker, I must say: A really bad idea. Sort of like the garlic book that advised making a poultice out of minced garlic and applying it to a poison oak attack. A really bad idea.

Quitting!! Go you!! I quit about five years ago and it was the hardest/best thing I've ever done. Every college/graduate school/job application since that has asked me about my biggest accomplishment has temped me to write: "I QUIT SMOKING!!! EAT THAT UNIVERSE!!!" because really it's about the best thing I've ever done for myself money/health-wise.

I'd say focus on funner things to spend your money on. I was totally broke when I was a pack-a-day smoker, and so when I decided (for the millionth time to quit) I immediately went and spent five dollars on figs. So think of stuff way out of your budget and then get that and enjoy the hell out of it. Then as your taste buds recover, enjoy it even more!

Also, people have mentioned getting sick to help quit, but I'd say my lowest point as a cigarette addict (it helps to frame it this way, because there's soooo much information out there for addicts dealing with cravings, working on changing friend networks to support networks, all that totally helpful jazz) I came down with bronchitis, so bad I would wake up wheezing, take a hot shower, smoke about half a cigarette, take another hot shower to be able to breath again, repeat. It was so demoralizing and I felt so trapped. Anyway, point is, if you may have to quit a lot and may sometimes fail spectacularly and things that work for some people (figs!) might fail for you, which is not an excuse to not get back on that horse and try again.

@adorable-eggplant Second, the viewing yourself as an addict! My low was a date where I didn't want the guy to know I smoked. When I realized I couldn't go a whole night without a cigarette - and threw-up in the restaurant bathroom because of withdrawl, I figured it was time for change. Seven years, and about 3 months later I'm still a non-smoker! Woot. It is hard, but it can be done! LW4, you can do it! Change your routine, clean your car, clothes, house/apt, and remember after 3 days, it's all mental. You got this.

@adorable-eggplant Maybe she could do that thing where she puts however much she would spend on cigarettes each day into an envelope, and after a week/two/three/a month use that money for a treat? That adds up quickly!

@thebestjasmine That is a great idea!! I almost wish I could quit again (hahah, no, typing that made me laugh out loud), so I could have an envelope of guilt-free cash. Change your routine is another good one, Sassafras. Also, friend support helps. My bestfriend shamed me into standing in the corner facing the wall (yup, exactly like timeout) when I wanted to have a cigarette around her. Hard to feel cool in the timeout corner.

Also, thinking about it as an addiction helps you start to realize what's really happening. When I started thinking about how I'm making this choice to do something that will kill me because I have a chemical dependence, it was so much harder to pretend it was just a habit or something less, um, terrible. It raises the stakes of quitting, which helped me bounce back from my unsuccessful attempts. Of which there were many, case in point: funniest lowest moment was a celebratory cigarette to ring in my three clean days... oh addled addict brain. Which reminds me, be prepared for the mental bit to be harder than you expected. It's still tough for me (maybe why I'm rambling about this so much) to pass up a cigarette in certain situations. :/

Sooo... sorry if someone already brought this up (I tried to scan the comments, but there are a lot of them!), but for LW3 (and anyone else this might apply to)... seriously consider the possibility that Dad has a brain tumor. SERIOUSLY! I've read a lot of stories like this, where someone suddenly starts acting completely differently, and then it turns out that they had a brain tumor. Just saying.

Am I the only one who really dislikes roller derby? I love sports, still play field hockey and played rugby for a while. I love roller skating. I kind of like wearing fishnets. But, put it all together? Hate it. So much.

Roller derby LW! I just had a long drawn out email exchange with your league to get permission to use a name they had registered for an inactive skater (they gave me permission, whee). Anyway, I've been trying to pick a name since August. Nothing wrong with taking your time.

Ok, so I'm sure I won't be the first to write this - haven't had the time to look through the comments, sorry! - but that whole thing when they tell you to take your loved one to a doctor if they're acting insane? It seems like a good idea with the terrible dad.

(I always thought that line was a bit hoakie, actually, until I read this story in the NYT not too long ago: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/06/health/a-rare-form-of-dementia-tests-a-vow-of-for-better-for-worse.html?pagewanted=all. It really happens, I guess, that someone's mental illness manifests itself in ways we might otherwise just think were terrible behavior.)

i'm a little confused here... these people are in the united states, right? they are *driving* from one place to another, yes? i'm not convinced that there is an american city so unsafe that you can't go out alone in it. i'm genuinely perplexed here. maybe this is a sign that the person writing in is a total wack job. just a thought...

@Ellie Bailey@twitter hmmm.... as a person comfortable walking in neighborhoods alone that some people wish I wouldn't/ask me not to, there are definitely parts of cities in the U.S. I would not "go exploring" in by myself. And some new convention and major medical centers are on the edge of redevelopment and sketchy area. I've seen assaults happen in front of me.

And yeah, if I live in the city, I'll know that okay, this is the crack trade on this street, these are the bars where they sling heroin, and I know what's going on and that they're really not going to call attention to themselves or be any threat to me. But I don't have this insider perspective if I've never been there and I don't know anyone who can give me a non-biased perspective; so I'm much more cautious. Plus people from big cities are kind of wigged out at night in my current medium-size city because our sizable population without homes circulate throughout the entertainment districts, aren't very shy when they drink and they're not always pleasant to others--can't imagine why :-/ Whether or not this should wig people out, it does to an awful lot of people and we don't have a good reputation.

@Litebrite Idea @all
Yeah, the US may not be as dangerous as other places probably are, but would you really want to walk around a sketchy area you're not familiar with in a city you don't know, when there's only one person in the entire city who knows you're out but probably doesn't know exactly where you're going? Maybe I'm paranoid (or maybe that's the kind of logic that actually kept me away from maybe being attacked during one of my travels) but it's not the worst thought process I've ever heard.

@Ellie Bailey@twitter There are a TON of places in the U.S. in which I wouldn't feel comfortable walking around by myself. The categorization of the city as unsafe might not be entirely accurate (could be just the part their hotel happens to be in), but either way. Especially when you are in a new city/neighborhood that you don't know very well, it's usually wise to not just wander about on your own.

Also possible: not in the U.S.; live in the U.S. but driving to, say, sketchy small town in Mexico; going to a forgotten/destitute American city like East St. Louis (probably not very likely).

@Ellie Bailey@twitter I'm not even comfortable walking around the city I live in alone at night, and this is only marginally a city. It's, like, a training city for folks fresh off the farm to get some skills before they move to L.A. or Chicago. But it's got some nasty violence in some areas, and I used to live right in one of those areas, and even though I once walked two miles home in Berlin after midnight, I still wouldn't walk two blocks in my tiny city alone after midnight.

@Ellie Bailey@twitter Everyone has their own comfort levels for their own reasons. My ex, who until recently spent his entire life in Philadelphia, would be perfectly comfortable strolling through sketchier parts of the city but then get really nervous in super sparsely-populated areas. His rationale was that in the country, where it's dark at night and there are trees and such, you never know where some wacko could be hiding, waiting to attack you. And with no houses or passersby, there would be no one to come to your aid or call 911. This is no more uncommon for people who grow up in cities than it is for people who grow up in suburbs or the sticks to be afraid that cities are exactly as they're portrayed on the news or shows like CSI.

Oh, I just think #12 is such a great idea for ANYONE, not just those quitting smoking. Nothing keeps you busier than hosting a party, for better or for worse. And whoooaaaa. That was my first comment on the Hairpin in like, 3 months.

I really would like this super-cool person who is quitting smoking to put away the money you would have spent on cigarettes into a jar for a few months or even a year. AND THEN do something really cool with it (treat yourself, or do something for someone else, or whatever you want!). And then write an article about it. What say you- challenge accepted? Cheers to you!!

My #1 A++ smoking replacement is SPARKLING WATER. Buy the fanciest kind you want, in the prettiest bottles, because hooray, you're not smoking! I think it works because it kind of tickles your throat, and also gives you something to put in your mouth. I haven't had a cigarette in almost 4 years and I couldn't have gotten through that first year without fancy fizzy water.

Quitting anything is easy but quit smoking is definitely one of the hardest thing I've ever done. I smoked for 12 years and failed many times. I found an alternative which was electronic cigarette and that helped me to quit. I would recommend this method if you like to continuing smoking without the harmful chemicals of a traditional cigarette. I use www.thevapestore.com for all my ecig stuff if anyone like to know. Hopefully, with some determination and the help of technology these days. We can all quit successfully :).

Nowadays the life is more difficult than it was before ten years. Despite that some problems are the same and now. I liked your post about your problems but I can't understand why you don't like here business trip? I always like it because traveling is my passion. Anyway thanks for your post. Mike

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