Fast forward to today. Here I am (left) posing as one of the Mean Girls, which, obvi, is headed by reigning bitch Toulouse. I’ll bet you five treats that you know Toulouse from his campaign with Coach. He’s the favorite pup, mainly because he’s a model (you know how Ari feels about fat people), but also because he hangs out with other famous pups like Lady Gaga’s Frenchie, Asia.

There was a time when I was the favorite pup. Actually, there were times when all of us were the favorite pups — Coco especially. She’s the OG dog and Ari even made her a Twitter account, though she stopped tweeting from it years ago. That’s the thing about Ari. She goes through phases.

Take the doughnut-hating phase, for example. After TMZ posted that video of Ari in the shop, we almost went the day without eating. Ari said that if she couldn’t eat (she was super depressed), then we couldn’t eat. That was a bad day. But can you guess who got his meal spoon-fed to him? Toulouse. Tou-Tou thinks he’s hot shit because he landed a gig with Coach, but to be honest, Coach is way past its prime. I mean, there are Coach outlets. Talk to me when you have a Birkin deal, you know?

I shouldn’t complain, though. I know that there are dogs who have it worse than me, but it does get really hard waiting around — sometimes for weeks — for Ari bae to come home from touring, doing promo for her perfume line, and trolling doughnut shops. The day-to-day consists of me sitting on the couch with Ari’s mom like this, trying to avoid Frankie sprinkling glitter all over my coat.

I mean, do I like being Ari’s dog? No, I love being her dog because I love her. But Ari’s limited ability to reciprocate unconditional love often means only some of us really get to experience it. Those of us who don’t go a little nuts from time to time. Cinnamon currently has separation anxiety and keeps shitting the bed as a result. Frankly, we’re all over it.

Anyways, maybe y’all will see my name in lights one day soon when I one-up Tou-Tou and score a campaign of my own. I’m thinking something along the lines of feminism in the dog world or slut-shaming ’cause those are both hot topics right now.