I quit rationalizing myself out of feelings

Today I had an “almost meltdown”. I am very familiar with full on meltdowns, but the “almost” ones are new. I felt it coming thought. I felt it brewing in my brain for days. I kinda feel like I have been cursed, or someone put a spell on me, or a bad juju got attached to me, or whatever the heck people say when they come up with some “rational” explanation of WHY things have been going so batshit crazy lately. So there you have it, this is my reasonable explanation to my strain of bad luck in the last few months, and I am sticking to it 🙂

Today was especially wacky. Last night I went out with “friends” (it is a loose term to describe the majority of the group of people that I’ve never met, nor am I planning on meeting again) and someone got shit faced so badly that she completely lost her mind and acted like a possessed person. I thought, “damn, I wonder what kinda beast would surface out of me if I were in her shoes.” Then I woke up this morning and went over to my mom’s place to pick up the kids, and my mom was exhausted from them. I don’t blame her, she never really had a good grip on us, or them, and they can be a handful if they are not under some strict hands. So I took them home, and while I was driving, it was dead silent in the car. IN the car! Inside of my head it was madhouse. So I sat back and I watched all the thoughts that were bouncing up and down, screaming and yelling at me to grab my attention and make me believe whatever they wanted me to believe. It was like Chuck E. Cheese on a Sunday with 5 birthday parties.

So I dropped my free range kids off at the playground and let them graze on some swings and bark chips, while I was crazy busy word vomiting onto my close friends phone. I told myself “Go for it, give it your best shot, shut down all the filters and whatever comes up, unleash that beast and put it into writing.” And I didn’t even warn her what was about to hit her 🙂 Just BAMMMM!!!! Here it is, my thought diarrhea, deal with it.

“I hate people! I hate my family. I hate the fact that I have kids. I hate managing people’s lives and I have having responsibility. I hate spirituality and the added pressure it puts on people to live up to their full potential, not just make money for survival, but LOVE what they are doing, otherwise no matter how great their lives are, they are still considered a failure, because they are working for someone or because they are not doing what they came here to do. Everything is fucking made up, and nothing makes any sense. We are spinning around in the infinite black, cold vast darkness on a tiny little blue marble in the endless universe and we – LITTLE insignificant humans- dare to have to courage to lecture other people on how they are supposed to live their eye blinking amount of time that’s been rendered to us on this planet. What if someone just lives and works the ground and dies? What if someone is the CEO of a company? What if someone is sick when they are little and die? Is any human life is less or more because of their “achievement”???? Because what “we” in this culture deem worthy and admirable? Bullshit!!!! That we are special and we are for a reason is a bullshit lie. This human experience is a fluke. We are not that powerful to change anything and even if we were, look at all the man made changes we have accomplished…. how great it all turned out?! We are all killing our planet and each other with all these “achievements” that we admire so greatly. I hate humans, I hate myself too, and I hate the personalities we all have. The greediness, the competition, the one- upmanship, the fakeness of social media, and I hate that people feel the need to tell others how to become someone other than what they already are. Do you think life will be that much better when we change? I hate that there is always a bullet to dodge in life, there’s never a break. When you solve one problem, and you think life will be so much better after that, here comes another bullet ready to bite you in the ass. I wish I could just run away, far from civilization, from my thoughts, my life, my persona, my problems, and not have to deal with anything for a while. Just live. Just exist. Or not even that. Just not be. We are so isolated already as a civilization, everyone is lonely, everyone is faking things and pretending things as if they got it all figured out…and in reality, barely anyone lifts their heads out of the daily grind and looks around and asks the question: “What the fuck are we doing in this biodegradable time/space flesh suit that we are all so trapped in??????”

Yep! That was my Sunday morning sermon and contemplation after battling my own explosive thoughts and emotions that morning.

Thankfully she is mature enough to not take me seriously, and let it all just roll off of her. She asked me in the middle of my rant if I needed to talk on the phone, but I told her not to interrupt me now, I am happily busy unleashing all this nonsense in writing, and then I will be done with it 🙂 (because sometimes a journal is just not enough, you need to have a human witness to your madness to realize what big of an asshole you can be)

So I dumped all that negative madness onto her, and then I felt exactly how I would feel after a good vomit session: 10 lbs lighter, less nauseous, bit ashamed with a lingering bad taste in my mouth 🙂

But seriously, it helped so much! I didn’t need an advice, I didn’t need help, counseling, preaching or anything….just a safe space to unleash all this pent up energy, accumulated thoughts and ideas and get rid of them. Once I did it, she empathized with me, she could relate to it (that also helped me not feel all alone in this madhouse) and then as my cloud that blinded me started to disappear from my vision, I could see the opposites of what I just bitched about, too.

I could see that my kids are actually funny, smart and loving and I am the luckiest person to have them in my life. I could see that I am also thankful for my family as well, that they are here with me, and that I don’t have to carry their problems, and it is not my duty to sort out their thoughts for them. I could also see that I don’t hate humans (at least not on a consistent basis, only occasionally 🙂 ) and that this human being is not only about suffering but it consists many fun, joyful and fun moments as well, that are worth living for.

So there you have it! Both exist and both are EQUALLY true in my life. Life is a paradox and I am done denying one or the other from now on. If the negative wants to surface, then let them come. I will hear them out, give them space, empathize with those thoughts, but won’t take them seriously. They will pass. Bad news is: so will the good ones!