Saturday, March 10, 2012

Oh I am horrible.

My poor mother.
Im
not a morning person.
I'm very much so a night person. All night long I feel it is my only function, to stay awake. There is nothing else I can do.
I stay up and listen to music. There is nothing else. At least I dont feel so. I feel as If I must stay up. Oh christ. Fucking jesus christ. Look at me bitching. Any way. I wake her up every night. And I feel so guilty. But I cat stop the things I do. If the sound is down too low I wont be able to hear it. and I feel like these nighttime moments are all that make up my life.

I still do the same thing every night. I try to eliminate the talking and slamming doors and such. But i cant get rid of the music and the Tv. I dont have headphones right now either. so That is out of the question.

On another note, i realize just how shallow I am. Elizabeth (queenie) ....( for if i wasnt clear enough the first time, i nicknamed queen because her name is elizabeth. it started out queen elizabeth. then it was queenie, and sometimes quinn. and this all happened when we were 7). things like that are unchangeable. if only we knew what a foundation meant.. . .

Not that we ever did anything wrong. Or treated eachother badly.

But few realize that when you are young. between 5 and 12 certain friends are made. lasting best friends. and certain rules are laid down. traditions are made (even if something is only done once) and the standard for every summer every friendship and every feeling of love is set. Right in those innocent youthfull moments. If i knew then, that the things I did, those simple fun moments, would be the ones I would look back to for the rest of my life, Maybe i would have been more attentive in what I was doing. And maybe i would have been more realistic.

So that this letdown wouldnt be such a letdown. but instead something anticipated, expexted even.

this life without the dreams aspirations and fairy tales, would be so much easier to swallow.