He thought he could call her "heavy" if he said "top," first. Ke$ha makes fun of Britney. Kendra Wilkinson's baby weight gave her postpartum depression. "Jessica Simpson weighs in on fat jokes." Thursday's gossip roundup was teased as a child.

He of the gold-tipped glove and more medals than any other American Winter Olympian, Apolo Ohno, stepped in it on Leno last night. Apolo won Dancing with the Stars in 2007, so he evaluated this year's contenders: "Between, what is it, Pam Anderson and Evan Lysacek? Pam Anderson, she's a little top-heavy. I think Evan is going to do very well. Plus, he's an Olympic medalist!" Seeing Pam's and Evan's names next to each other like that, I suddenly realize that Heatherette designer Richie Rich is totally going to make a cameo this year. Pam is his muse and Evan is a friend. (Richie used to be a competitive skater.) Sidenote: Does anyone else get a gay vibe from Apolo? It could just be a side effect of growing up with a single dad who styles hair for a living. [TVWatch]

Ke√ha made fun of Britney Spears for lip syncing: "I think that's bullshit. ... I would never do that to my fans. ... It's treating people as if they are too stupid to realize you are not actually singing. ... My whole record is super honest. I am really honest." How badly do you want Keπha to have a lip sync scandal right now? Keβha, Ke@ha, Ke:-(ha! [ShowBizSpy]

Brangelina and their brood continue to consume Italian ice cream in Venice, for it is a time-honored tradition that all American families vacationing in Italy must gorge themselves silly on gelato. Luckily, the superior genome of the collective Jolie-Pitts means nobody will get fat. [DailyMail]

All you need to know is the headline: "Jessica Simpson Weighs in on Fat Jokes." [P6]

The investigation into the near-stun-gunning of Blanket Jackson continues, and it's all miserly Katherine Jackson's fault. Last year Jermaine Jackson's ex-wife Alejandra accused Jackson matriarch Katherine of trying to pay child support with gift cards to Ralph's supermarket. Nary twelve months later, Jermaine spawn Jaafar would make like his granny and purchase a "credit card" from Ralph's ( loophole!) which he would use to buy a stun gun online. Further: 13-year-old Jaafar has a brother named Jermajesty, and is super adorable. Case closed. [TMZ] [TMZ] [TMZ]

Purple magazine is all Lindsay Lohan all the time. With a Jesus-inspired cover under her belt, LiLo now embarks on revealing her butt [fig.1] and boobs [fig.2] in a photo shoot with Terry Richardson. [HuffPo]

Marie Osmond's 18-year-old son Brian Blosil, who committed suicide last week, had struggled with substance abuse and emotional issues throughout his teen years. With his mother struggling alongside him, Blosil went to rehab as a high school junior. This story is tragic in part because it is so common. [People]

NBC honcho Lorne Michaels' new spin on the Conan fiasco: "creative freedom." He explained "You can't imagine Conan being able to say what he said [on NBC] at Fox or Disney or wherever." He continued, "And that chaos and that look of disorganization comes from a better place, in my opinion. It's not a button-down-enough culture to shut things down." He's also pro-Betty White. [P6]

With his incarceration delayed due to a courthouse fire, Lil Wayne celebrated his final nights of freedom by attending a Jay-Z show at Madison Square Garden and going to the Empire Hotel, where he "threw a tantrum" after getting bounced. Part of me wishes he got arrested, because the layers of criminality would have been kind of thrilling. [Gatecrasher] [P6]

An unfortunate coda to yesterday's item about DMX's gospel rap charity concert: Once the host realized X was involved, they canceled the whole thing. [TMZ]

Kendra Wilkinson says she had postpartum depression: "After giving birth, I never brushed my hair, my teeth, or took a shower. I looked in the mirror one day and was really depressed. I thought, Look at me! I had this glamorous life in LA and now [in Indianapolis] I didn't... a couple times, I even said, 'I just have nothing to live for.'" A valuable mental hygiene lesson: When shallow people suffer from mental health problems, the manifestation may also be shallow. You must listen to them on their own level, for even the shallowest people may lose themselves in the depths of depression, sometimes. [AnythingHollywood]