C.I.A. Director David Petraeus Resigns Over Affair

So, C.I.A. director David Petraeus resigned earlier this afternoon because of an extramarital affair. Yipes! In a letter to staffers, he wrote: “After being married for over 37 years, I showed extremely poor judgment by engaging in an extramarital affair. Such behavior is unacceptable, both as a husband and as the leader of an organization such as ours. This afternoon, the President graciously accepted my resignation.” Obama accepted the resignation.

As professionally devastating as this might currently seem, Petraeus should take comfort in the fact that extramarital affairs in no way disqualifyone from participating (and doing quite well!) in the Republican presidential primary, for example, (cf.: Gingrich, Jackie; Gingrich, Marianne; Gingrich, Callista; and Gingrich, Newt.)

In our efforts to bring you new information on this developing story, we turned to our cube-neighbor, who told us the following: three years ago, in the Dirksen Senate Office Building, she was rushing to enter an elevator when one of Petraeus’s guards prevented her from getting in. Petraeus kindly waved off his henchman and invited her into the elevator with afriendly, “Get in here, little lady.” The staffer categorically denies any involvement in the aforementioned extramarital affair and stresses that Petraeus didn’t, like, call her “sweet cheeks” or offer to teach her how to putt.

Leaving that to simmer, we turn to the plan for succession. In Petraeus’s place as of today for an time period of indeterminate length: deputy director Michael J. Morell, who took over the position in 2010. “Morell served as a top briefer to Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush and was with Bush in Florida on the morning of the September 11 attacks,” The Washington Post reported at the time. So Morell, a veteran of the The Pet Goat incident, should be very prepared for even the most excruciating of awkward conversations with his philandering former boss.