Image: Buddy, the nematode, suspended in ethanol solution, courtesy of Jonathan D. Allen, Department of Biology, College of William and Mary.

By this point in the week, you’ve seen hundreds of articles you meant to read but haven’t had the time to. Now it’s the weekend, and it’s all a blur (the extra two drinks you had at happy hour probably didn’t help). So we’re here to lend a hand. We’ve rounded up the best reads from WIRED and around the web so you don’t have to sift through all the links you saved or curse your browser for crashing because you had amassed a bigillion open tabs with all those stories. Enjoy!

Buddy, Stop Biting My Lip
Imagine looking in the mirror and noticing that the little sore on your lip is alive and moving. Nightmare? Horror flick? Nope, this has actually happened. The culprit: a little white nematode. The latest host to this lip-burrowing creature was a biology professor in Williamsburg, Virginia. He decided to do what any self-respecting scientist would do: Take it out with the best pair of forceps he could find … Meet Buddy, his tiny parasitic-worm pal. [WIRED Science]

The Google Quantum Computer Falls Prey to the Government Shutdown
Quantum computers can’t catch a break. First, physicists questioned their very existence. Then, the government shut down and Google and NASA’s shared quantum machine went into limbo. The computer itself was working, but the NASA engineers who were supposed to operate it could not. Instead it sat there, eating up power. But cheer up, at least you can create quantum entangled blocks in Minecraft. [WIRED Enterprise]

Math Confirms the Obvious: Bacon Is Freakin’ Awesome
Fact: Bacon makes burgers, salads, veggies, and just about any food way more amazing. I knew this. You knew this. But there are doubters out there. Now you can silence the haters with data. Yes, we now have numbers to back up what we knew all along: Bacon is a miracle food. [WIRED Design]

Unleash Your Inner Genius
Did your teachers ever ask you what you wanted to learn? Probably not. And that’s a shame. If they had, maybe you’d be running Google or be well on your way to making a scientific discovery that would earn you a Nobel Prize. Luckily, today some students are getting that opportunity, and their teachers are seeing amazing results. [WIRED Business]

The Sport of Videogame Speedrunning
Zipping through a videogame faster than anyone else in the world can make you a legend. It means you’ve got the smarts to remember where all the game’s loopholes and bugs are — and how to exploit them. Plus, you’ve got the motor skills to move your fingers across the controller at ridiculously sick speeds. [Game Life]

Windows 8 Gets a Much-Needed Reboot
The debut of Microsoft’s new operating system last year was anything but triumphant. People hated it, in fact. The tech giant couldn’t just Ctrl+Alt+Del the thing so the stakes were high for the Windows 8 update, which was finally released this week. It’s a vast improvement over the first iteration. It even has a Start button. Well, a Start button doppelgänger, but that’s good enough. Upgrade if you haven’t already. [Gadget Lab]

“Sea Monster” Surfaces in California Island whales and pristers don’t actually exist, which is good because they’d probably eat you. But evolution actually has resulted in some sea creatures that could rival these fabled swimmers. One surfaced this week off the coast of Catalina Island in California. A marine biology instructor spotted the carcass of an 18-foot oarfish — nature’s answer to the mythical sea serpent — while snorkeling. You have to see this thing. [Mongabay]

The Lives and Times of Modern Day Newsies (Yes, They Still Exist)
Around the turn of the 19th century, newsies were a staple of the newspaper industry, but in the 1940s, they mostly went the way of the flop film named after them. But cities like New York and San Francisco still have armies of of them, hustling hard and handing out free papers. Here’s a look. [Columbia Journalism Review]

Bacteria, Recoded
Captain Kirk recognized the promise of DNA-based computing 30 years ago. But before a language for programming life actually materializes, scientists have to know how to reliably tweak and control DNA. This week, a group of researchers at Yale and Harvard reported a new way to edit a bacterium’s genetic code. The research is still preliminary, but it could eventually help develop organisms that can manufacture drugs and are less resistant to viruses. [Not Exactly Rocket Science]

Home-Brewed Lending Libraries with Character
Sure, e-books are great if you don’t want to bother with backbreaking loads. But analog books beat their digital counterparts in many ways. For starters, you actually own them and because of that, you can lend them out or gift them any which way you want. Like through this network of charming lending libraries. [Los Angeles Magazine]

Tumblr’s GIF Auction
Sure, there’s no shortage of free GIFs on the internet. But for just a few thousand dollars, you can buy some really awesome ones. This week, Tumblr and auction house Phillips held a digital art auction to test whether collectors would fork over cash for GIFs, webcam videos, and code. [The Verge]

The Curse of Graphene
Some believe graphene has superpowers. It conducts electricity incredibly well and is super strong. In research it’s been used to create tiny tattoo biosensors and, more recently, photodetectors that can transform infrared light into electrical signals. That’s huge because it makes transferring data potentially faster. But for all of graphene’s successes in the lab, in practice, it’s been kind of a dud, in part because it’s hard to manufacture. So the question remains: Is graphene really the next big thing? Maybe. If investors can profit from it. [Quartz]