The Limerick Iliad

Monday, June 11, 2007

The Limerick Iliad is copyrighted by Tim Smith and Joe Green

Copyright 2007

Book OneThe Tiff by the Ships

[The invocation to the Muse, A tale not for the ladies, The reckless toottootaling of Agamemnon, A priest scorned, Apollo on the beach with a bow, A charming diversion, An old fellow advises Achilles, Achilles, a melancholy warrior, The passions of Breisis, Augurs and Bulgars, Paris, the most beautiful man in the world, The taking of Breisis, A walk by the hoar sea, Mother to son, A nymph visits a god, Achilles quips as the Trojans attack, The banquet of the gods omitted]

Sing, Goddess, the wrath of AchillesThat gave all the poor Achaeans the williesAnd sent many to HadesThough some lovely ladiesThink it all quite boring and silly.

It all began with two guysWho were both more willful than wise.They fought over a dameI can’t remember her nameIt ended in “eis” I surmise.

The poor girl was taken in warBy King Agamemnon…this happened beforeThe events in my verseSo I’ll be quite terseIn truth it’s all quite a bore.

Agamemnon was macho and brutalAnd thought she was part of his loot. “I’llKeep her with meBy the sweet wine dark seaAnd dilly and dally and tootle.”

But her Daddy thought he was a beastAnd her Daddy was Apollo’s priestAnd told the dumb KingShe was none of his blingAnd insisted that she be released.

But Agamemnon just laughed at her DadAnd said “She’s all mine...too damn bad!”And stoked her patootieAnd called her his cutieWhich made her father quite sad.

So her father implored his dear God“Oh, help me Oh holy A-RodAnd smite those damn GreeksThose perverts and freaks.”And Apollo gave him the nod.

He got his bow and sat on the beachAnd for his invisible arrows did reachAnd shot the Greeks downWith their mules and their houndsThen rested and nibbled a peach.

And Achilles sat sipping some wineUntil just about Day Number 9When Patroclus said“Hey, have you noticed the dead?”Achilles said “No, but you’re looking fine!”

Achilles was, per usual, lushedAnd Patroclus didn't want to be rushed.Achilles said "Come here you charmerAnd help me take off my armor."And what happened next is hush hushed.

Odysseus peered through a rentin the side of Achilles' tent.He drew back with a startand clutched at his heartcrying, "Zeus, I hope they repent!

For Patroclus, young and unscarredbut lithe and supple and hard,had dropped to his kneesand grabbed Achillesby his root and made him see stars.

And Odysseus was acting ridiculousAll in all he was quite TravisBickleousAll Love is sweetAnd the Greeks found all Love meetAlthough it is often doomy and fickleous.

All over, all passion spentAchilles still hung around in his tent:"To Hell with this crises.Go and bring me my Breisis!"And Patroclus, obedient, went.

Breisis came in and submittedThough she thought Achilles dim wittedShe thought Achilles a heelWith no sex appealAnd to sweet amour quite unfitted.

And we know that the reason's becauseAchilles loved dear PatroclusBut he made the motionAs if he needed a TrojanDenying the kind of a guy that he was.

Achilles, though possessed of great bulk,Had a sad inclination to sulkSo he let his feelings festerWhen that busybody Old NestorBurst into his tent and said "Let's talk!"

But Nestor persisted anonsaying "Brave Achilles, do not fawnand weep for this boywho gives you such joythere's a battle beginning a dawn."

And Nestor kept on repeating"Hey, you better go to the meetingKing A has gone crazyYou better be there in case heInsists on us taking a beating.

For that asshole's pissed off ApolloPut your armor on, no time to wallow.I heard the king sayAt the end of the day...I'm going there now. C'mon and follow!"

And both of those cads turned their backsOn Breisis who though them sad sacksAnd when they had goneThat fine lass got it onWith both the greater and lesser Ajax.

But poor Breisis herself she did censorAnd God knows the true faith portends herRepentant sob sessionAnd her true confessionTo a priest named Ajax the Cleanser.

Up on Olympus lounged honey-thighed HeraWith Zeus on his golden chair aRight buxom goddessWho loosened her bodiceAnd said “Sweetheart, you don’t seem to care-a.

You know that I favor the GreciansFor all sorts of whimsical reasonsI should think you would frownApollo is cutting them downWhile you entreat my lascivious pleasings.”

Zeus sighed and offered her nectar.Said “You know I’m for the Trojan sector.Have you seen Helen of Troy?I have and oh boy!Besides, I rather like that young fellow -- Hector.

Now come back here dear honey-thighed HeraThere’s no need yet to despair, ah.After all I am ZeusAnd you know it’s no useTo deny me you never could dare, ah.”

Ah, the heavens thundered and sputteredUntil Hera was thoroughly futtered.Then Zeus had a snoozeAnd Hera hit the boozeAnd cursed at the fellow and muttered.

Down below King Agamemnon the VulgarListened to Calchis the wisest of augurs.Who said “Listen to me.Set your prisoner freeStop acting like a hairy ass Bulgar.”

They also called King Agamemnon "The Fair"Although he had lost almost all of his hairAnd looked like Telly SavalasBut if you live in a palaceThere's nothing else the dear people would dare.

Achilles was quite a fair youth.Ok, I'm not quite telling the truthIn a way he was handsomeBut he seemed like Charles MansonWhen he stabbed you and shouted "Forsooth!"

The most striking fellow was ParisHe looked stunning in armor or bareassedAnd was named after a cityWhich seems quite a pityFor somehow it made him embarrassed.

And while the Greeks were ranting and ragingHelen found him extremely engagingAll the sweet girls loved silly himAnd not just in IliumThey all loved both his person and staging.

Ah, but let us return to the AchaeansWho felt just then so achey-breakyan.It's a lot to endure:A nine year old warWith leaders so stupidly adamantean.

King Agamemnon finally said "Oh, okI guess you mofos want it that way.I'll end the crisesBut I'm taking Breisis!If I have to send the other away!"

The Achilles walked by the hoar seaAnd wept and cried "Why me, oh why me?Then told his palTo go get the galAnd give her to that damn bourgeoisie.

Then the youth made a despairing motionAnd cried out aloud to the ocean.His mother Thetis appearedMan, it was quite weirdShe began rubbing him down with some lotion.

"Oh, Mother," he sighed "How I wishThat I was,like you, a half fishAnd lived in the darkAnd drank Cutty SarkAnd acted in ways very kitsch.

But you went and made me a hero:You who look like something from that painter Juan MiroAnd I'm doomed to dieAnd I don't even know whyAnd it makes me often feel queer, oh!"

Thetis cried "Oh, never my dear!I'm in touch with a guy: Edward Lear.And in an immortal poemYou'll have your home.Fame and Glory forever! Don't fear!

He's invented a verse form immortal.I saw it through Father Time's portal.You'll get back at that prickWith a great limerick!"Which didn't cause poor Achilles to chortle.

"No, mother, I want glory and richesAnd to get back at those sons of a bitches.Ask Father ZeusOr else it's no use.And it must occur with no hitches!"

So Thetis went up to OlympusOh, how those damn gods always pimp us.Zeus said, "Oh, that's cool.I'll let the Trojans rule.Though for the Greeks my dear wife quite a simp is."

Achilles returned to his shipsWith his sharp swords hung by his hipsAnd the Greeks cried "Alack"At the Trojan attack.And Achilles just smiled and made quips.

So endeth Book 1 by old Homer.Rendered by moi. Hi, howdy, I'm GomerAnd if you get dyspepticIf I call this an epic.I admit that it's quite a misnomer.

Book TwoAgamemnon's 115th Dream and the Catalogue of Ships

[An apology to the reader, Homer’s method questioned, The Dream Diary of a King, Tricked by Zeus again, A King tests the mettle of his subjects, The King's subjects haul ass outta there, Ulysses scapegoats the tribes of Israel, A few Jews killed, Everyone feels better, The actual catalogue of the ships and who was in each and how so and so begat so and so omitted for the busy reader]

Though the Iliad on the whole is alluringI'm afraid that Book Two is quite boring.A catalog of the shipsAnd some geography tipsIs enough to wreck your own ship in its mooring.

So Old Zeus came up with a scheme:He would send that vile King a false dream.Which is rather odd.After all, he's a god.And you would think his power supreme.

But the dream came upon old Aggie while sleepingAnd said "Enough of your worries and weeping.I got it from ZeusThat you are Il DuceAnd your victory will be rather sweeping!"

Then Old Aggie awoke quite excitedAnd the fellow was still quite benightedFor he thought it bestTo try out a testWhich could render most of his hopes somewhat blighted.

He summoned all to a great general meetingThen sadly offered this greeting."It shall come to passThat they'll kick our ass."And that didn't need any repeating!

As soon as he said the last wordThe Generals said "By the Gods have you heardThe Trojans are comin'?You can hear their drummin'!To stay on this beach is absurd!"

Then word spread to all of the menFrom Geraldo, who was from CNN,Who got out of there fast.He, however, was passedBy a preacher crying "Amen."

Brave Achilles was quite disgusted.It seemed that all of his dreams had been busted.The Greeks ran about on the sand.Each one quite unmanned.And there wasn't a damn one he trusted.

But, look, why its Ulysses in the midden!Shouting "Damn it, the King was just kiddin'It shall come to passThat we'll kick THEIR Ass.If you thought he meant something else, why he didn't."

As Ulysses went through the hostknocking their heads with his postHe said, "Don't be shirkerswhat we need are berserkerswho'll turn Ilium into toast!"

So they all hurried back to their meetingto find out where all this was leading.But Thersites was pissed.Agamemnon he dissed'till Ulysses gave him a beating.

Then spoke brave Ulysses to all"I know you'd all like me to calldown a host of fine virginsto assuage all your urgesbut, damnit, first scale that wall!"

But the Argives were ready to leaveand they raised a great shout by the sea.Nestor stood and he shamed themAgamemnon then tamed themand on victory they all agreed.

Then Athena urged them all to battleand stop all the pussified prattle."Get out there you Greeksand slaughter those geeks.Off your asses and into the saddle!"

Now comes that moment you're dreading.I admit that it could be rough sledding:A catalog of the shipsAnd their significant tripsAnd an account of Penelope's wedding.

So...this is the end of Book Two.We are kindly deferring to you:"Readers Digest Condensed"Because we have sensedYou have something much better to do.

Book Three

Ménage a Troy

[The armies move together, The character of Paris questioned, Paris volunteers to fight Menelaus in single combat, They fight, Aphrodite spirits the most beautiful man in the world away, “We’ll always have Paris, A Ménage a Troy]

Ah, the two armies so quickly did gatherBut they didn't start fighting, they'd ratherWatch a cool duelBetween those two foolsAnd engage in the usual blather.

Ah, Fate! You're a damnable dealer:A war started by a lying wife-stealer!I can't help but feelingThis would all be more appealingIf it were written by Garrison Keillor.

Ok, the plot is beginning to thicken.And Paris, of course, is a chicken.But if you're lot isTo be loved by a goddessYou know that you're heart will keep tickin'.

So Menelaus just almost spears ParisWhich would leave a certain goddess sans his caressSo she spirits the boyBack to Helen of TroyExclaiming "We'll always have Paris!"

Ah, but this is no tale of amour.It's an epic of another damn war.So, all Hell was let looseWith the end of the truceWhich I neglected to mention before.

Menelaus got hit by an arrowAnd was ready to go to his barrowUntil he saw at lastThe arrow never got pastHis armor. His escape was that narrow.

The battle began in grim earnest.Before long many would need an internistAnd many be dead.What else can be said?Hecatomb and Fiery Furnace.

Which caused a little concern in the Heavens.At this time I believe there were seven."Zeus can you spare aMoment?" said Hera.And the lightning flashed in the levin.

The Gods huddled up on their hilland at times, disagreement was shrill.The Goddesses claimedthat it was all just a gameand that only the bad would be killed.

Zeus called on his daughter to goand stir up some shit down below.She flew through the ranksturning all the Greek cranksand winding them up for the show.

So together the armies did clashwith the Greeks, early on, kicking ass.The Trojans were whippeduntil Apollo quipped"Horse tamers, charge them, and fast!"

And many a noble man felland their souls ferried over to hell.Darkness fell on their eyes;Their corpses drew flies;And for neither side did it go well.

Homer starts naming the dead."But what's exactly the point?" Vonnegut said.I simply proposeTo write "So it goes"Have a few drinks and then go to bed."

Book FiveThe Fighting Sullivans

[Theo-Feminine Anger, Diomedes smites assorted Trojans inspired and guided by lovely Athena, Diomedes kills Pandarus omitted in deference to the Swan of Avon, Is he mad? Attacks a goddess, The God of War condescends and is wounded, Ares speaks bluntly of his hurt feelings and returns to Olympus]

One Greek had eaten his WheatiesHis name I recall: Diomedes;And there were many poor boysFrom the city of TroyWho would never return to their sweeties.

Hector's helmet gleams like the sunas his brother comes up on the runSays, "Sorry I'm late"Hector says, "How I hatethat, of you, all my warriors make fun."

But one day we'll sort this out,that is, if the Grecians we rout.But it’s all up to ZeusSo we better hang loose.'And for Book VI that’s over and out.

Book SevenHighway 61 Revisited

[Hector and Paris leave Troy, rejoin the fighting, Athena does not accept Hecuba’s sacrifice and wants a leopard-skin pillbox hat, Athena and Apollo plot, Take it all down to Highway 61, Hector vs. Ajax no decision, An interlude for the dead, Paris “I will not give back Helen. We’re in love!"

You don't need a classical treatiseTo know who to blame. Yes, it's ThetisWho blubbered, said "Please!"Embraced the All Father's kneesAs she plied him with strawberry margaritas.

Some Greeks ran to Achilles' tentAnd begged him, please, to relent.He said it's high time.You stop drinking my wineAnd it's time that you go. So they went.

Book 10The Lost Patrol

[A brief literary diversion, Menelaus and Agamemnon pow-wow, wardrobic descriptions, Diomedes and Ulysses get sneaky but so do the Trojans, Dolan is a dumbass, Two sneaky Greeks kill the Thracians then go home to party

and/or

An egregious epithet, Agamemnon's enjoys some time on the beach, Cool and refreshing after a long hot day, Favorite cocktails of the Greeks, Nestor suggests someone spy out the Trojan position, Diomedes volunteers but asks for a second man, Diomedes selects Odysseus to go with him, Hector calls for a volunteer to spy out the Achaean ships, promises Achilles horses and chariot to sad ass Dolon the sad ass fool, Dolon volunteers and sets off, Odysseus and Diomedes interrogate Dolon then kill him Odysseus and Diomedes kill a bunch of Thracians as they are sleeping, A piteous scene presented as sound military policy, an allusion to Bob Dylan.]

For years it seemed hard to tellThat Ulysses should be roasting in HellThen in "Troilus and Cressida"Ulysses confessed to aNature quite shifty and fell.

He was the Greek's Great Persuader:A smarmy and selfish oratorBut his "honest word"Was just as absurdAs a chastity vow from a satyr.

Just as Zeus will send lightning and thunderTo warn of war or some other wonderSo the Grecian king sighs.Yet the question abidesIsn't this simile some sort of blunder?

Well, not if you're Homer the GreekAnd applause from the noble you seekYou kiss their assAnd it shall come to passYou'll dine in palaces wetting your beak.

Hence Homer's inordinate passionFor the particulars of aristocratic fashionFor the nobility care"Tell us, what did he wear?I understand Agamemnon was really quite dashing!"

Agamemnon donned the skin of a lionTo cheer him up, to help with his sighingAnd he had "comely feet"And sandals quite neatWhich cheered up the Greeks who were dying.

He sauntered off to chat with his broWho wore the skin of a panther you know:A goodly arrayThat he bought from E-bayGuaranteed to frighten the foe.

Agamemnon said "Bro, I'm so nervous.Looks like Zeus has done us a disservice.And I feel quite let downBy all these guys just laying aroundI'm not sure that these cowards deserve us."

And Menelaus replied to his bro."Those poor guys are dead, don't you knowLooks like we are screwedBut somehow I feel imbuedTo just go along with the flow."

[An anachronistic invocation, Ulysses’ real name revealed as Ermes Effron Borgnino O'Sisyphus, Many Greeks with names ending in “us” and “er” killed by Agamemnon, Paris wounds Diomedes in the heel, Patroclus dreams a love that cannot be named while playing with a platypus, Nestor’s dumb plan]

Christ on a crutch on a bike.Homer overuses that word "godlike."Of course, the gods were such jerksIt ironically worksGods and men that way so alike.

And you'll notice we call Odysseus "Ulysses"And sometimes we call Ulysses "Odysseus"They're both AKA'sFor a single ofayWhose real name was Ermes Effron Borgnino O'Sisyphus.

Zeus, for no particular reason,Decided it would be the Achaean's' season.Ok, half a day.But what can you say?When you're a god, none dare call it treason.

So he sends down Strife, that damn whore,to incite the Greek hearts more to war,Agamemnon gets dressedin his bright Sunday best,accessorized by a jaunty gold sword.

And Homer describes the guy's shieldPanic and Terror out in some field:The same macho madnessThe same gangsta badnessThat long ago should have been sealed.

But we remain vicious and dumbWitness, for example, the SommeAnd all of the assesLaddies and lassesWho hanker for the Kingdom Come.

And then Agamemnon shoutedWhile the gods up in Olympus pouted.They were quite put outThat Zeus intended a routThey were quite Argive besotted.

But it was a splendid fine morningFor the Greeks who had little warningThat a bit after noonThey would be almost ruined.They should have been mourning that morning.

Agamemnon slew Oileus, and BienorWhile humming a medley from “The Entertainer.”He then killed IsusAnd then he killed AntiphusWho were the sons either of Priam or Prince Ranier.

Then he captured Hippolochus and PisanderThere by the river Scamander:Sons of AntimachusChips off the old blockusWhich raised Agamemnon’s royal dander.

So Agamemnon up and then slew them.Their greedy old daddy had screwed them.He cut off their heads.I think that’s what Homer said.Their heads rolled and the Argives all booed them.

Agamemnon charged like a insane fierce lion.All the Trojans ran from him flyingLike a bunch of scared cowsWith a lion tearing their bowels.The simile’s Homer’s. You buying?

But Zeus had something in store:yet another turn in this war.He filled Hector with hopesaying, "Don't be a dope,just wait until Aggie gets sore."

Just then Aggie was wounded by Coonbut it didn't yet cause him to swoon.He kept the top billingand went on with the killingbut trouble was coming, and soon.

Hector saw Agamemnon in troubleand knew that Zeus had burst his bubble.With a mighty war cryhe screamed, "Let's get that guy."And took off over the rubble.

Yes, Hector feels as good as beforeHe thinks this a splendid warAnd kills many a manThe Greeks do what they canBut there’s a sale on Greeks in Death’s discount store.

And now Hector went on a tearand the Greeks were left tearing their hair.For great Zeus had decidedwith the Trojans he sided,yet Diomedes and Odysseus were there.

The two noble Greeks make a standand many men die by their hand.Diomedes gets hitby Paris, that shit,While Odysseus does all that he can.

[Nestor wakes up and smells the carnage, Hollywood comes calling, A brief outing in NYC. Zeus and Hera do the dirty boogie. Ajax rocks the Trojans' world ]

and/or

[Agamemnon at the cabana with Nestor, The marvelous bazongas of Helen of Troy, Why We Fight, Divine erotica, Hera and Brando, Gods, Sprites, Fairies, Unicorns were popular once, Hera’s ascent into Never Never Land, The Marvelous Love Making of the Gods, Forsooth, Zeus seduced, Zeus in Dreamland, The Achaeans strike back, Difference between Achaean and Argive not explained]

Nestor was hearing-impairedSo he didn’t know how the battle had fared.He was in his tentWhere he had been sentAnd from the awful truth had been spared.

He went out with his bronze-clad spearAnd muttered “Oh, dear. Oh, dear.”The Greeks were flying pell mellThey weren’t doing so wellAnd he started to break down like King Lear.

Just as a wave in the oceanWaits with no particular motionThis way or thatOld Nestor satLike an elderly hung over bosun.

Should he go assist on his side?Or go find the King? Has he died?So he turned away from the fightNot feeling quite right“This is all so confusing,” he sighed.

And there, voila, was the great King!With the noble wounded all in a ringUnder a big beach umbrella.What splendid fellows!They listened to the mermaids sing.

The good fellows were on R&R.A nearby cabana had a fine bar.Mixed drinks were half priceThough there was a problem with iceWhich is the price that must be paid in a war.

“Well, boys, looks like the party is over.Let’s set sail for the White Cliffs of Dover.We’ll met againDon’t know where. Don’t know when.And we’ll be rolling in clover!”

This made old Nestor quite skittish.“No long good byes now! We’re British!”Agamemnon was mad!And that was too bad.“Oy veh!” Ulysses cried out in Yiddish.

“Have you forgotten the melons of Helen?Ah, they could turn a saint into a felonWe’ll stay here as long asThose marvelous bazongasAre not ours! How long there’s no telling."

And with this he sent up a shoutAnd King Neptune, that sexist loutSent up a roarThat almost blew in the doorOf Heaven where Hera did pout.

She looked at Zeus bored on Mount IdaAnd thought “By God, I can’t abide aSelf satisfied creepIf only I could put him to sleep.”And into her secret room she did glide-a.

She looked a bit like Marilyn MonroeAnd in that secret room don’t you knowIn a special placeShe kept a photograph with the faceOf her true beloved: Marlon Brando

Oh, how that guy could send her.He was so attentive and tender.Marlon longed for the divineAnd they’d drink honeyed wine“ I couda been a contender.”

She gave his sweet image tender looksThen got out her sexology books.She would seduceThat horrible old ZeusAnd she took down her gowns from their hooks.

With ambrosia she removed any soilFrom her body then applied olive oilSpecially scented.Oh, how she resentedZeus. “That bastard could use a moyel.”

She put on a marvelous gownThen encircled her blond hair aroundWith sweet golden braidsAnd a scuncie of her maid’sTo keep one delicate wisp down.

Then to Aphrodite she flewSaid, “I need to get that girdle from you.I need it for my MomMy mom and dad ain’t getting it on."The Love goddess's curiosity grew.

"You mean the girdle of love and desireAnd of sweet flattery entire?To lend to your MomSo she can be a love bomb?"Aphrodite knew she was a liar.

Aphrodite wished she could discoverWho exactly was Hera’s secret lover.But she gave her the girdle with a smileThinking all the while“I wonder who’s lighting her fire?

Then up up and away Hera did hurryTo the land of the Sandman and of the Tooth Fairy.The Easter BunnyThought she looked quite funny.But he’s just a bunny. Why worry?

When there old Hera had the habitOf having tea with the Mad Queen and the White RabbitThen she would jaunt off to Never Never LandWith Tinkerbell and Peter PanThen go to Alabama to a concert with Black Sabbath.

She was met by some dwarves and Snow WhiteWhom she informed of her plightSo she went with Dopey and SneezyAnd Dom DeLouiseTo Sandman’s Palace of Perpetual Night.

Which was a Jazz Club up in Harlem.And the Sandman said “Ok, Darling”You just play this Soft JazzAfter all that pizzazzAnd old Zeus will nod off to New Orleans."

Should we describe how Zeus was beguiled?How Hera played Good Girl Gone Wild?How Zeus fell into slumberAfter Hera’s Rockette numberAnd curled up and snoozed as he smiled.

Well, we will if you visit our websitewww.oldmanzeusgoodnightAnd register thereFor our Internet FairTo learn how to improve your lovelight.

We have the best uncut videoShowing what Hera to Zeus exactly did-e-o.The footage is raw.You'll see what they sawAs they did and they did and they did-e-o.

But while the immortals were screwingstrange things down on earth started brewing.Sleep said to Poseidon"Zeus is out like a light, mon!His crack at the sack he'll be rueing."

And the combatants heard all the commotionmade by Poseidon great god of the Oceans.He led Greeks with his swordand the wild battle roaredlike the sea in perpetual motion.

But Hector was showing no fearand when bold Ajax drew near.Although Hector looked glorious,his arm was notoriousfor missing the mark with a spear.

Then Ajax hurled a huge rockthat spun Hector about like a top.It knocked him out on his assbut his friends showed up fastso the story line won't have to stop.

Hector's loss to the battle was costlyand the carnage ensuing was ghastly.There were eyeballs popped out,wounds from gizzard to snout,and the tide of war turned pretty fastly.

For Ajax was foaming and mad,he went on a one-man jihad.Favored by all the godshe beat all the oddshe's as tough as an old Brillo pad.

[Please hold your tongue and say “My father works in a shipyard,” Quetzalcoatl brings chocolate and basketball to the Trojans, The Great God awakes and is pissed, The vomitus of Hector, Tamer of Horses, The odd adolescence of Poseidon, Poseidon revealed as co-author of Billy Budd, More fighting and death]

The tide, as it were, once againis turned by the gods on poor men,who'd like to quit fightingbut gods keep incitingthem on. Will it end? Who knows when?

If you've wearied of death,I advise you, don't hold your breath.Yet we know that a limerickis quite the best trickfor conveying both passion and depth.

Perhaps this is all anecdotalBut once the god QuetzalcoatlWent sailing past ArgosWith many strange cargoesThis was back when the gods were more motile.

He gave the Trojans tobacco and chocolatesAnd he liked to walk around the block a lotSmoking a KentAnd raising the rentAnd chatting about the apocalypse.

But Quetzalcoatl had to go back-oNo more chocolates and tobacco.He had a sixth senseThat he better go whenceBefore the Trojans got the old sack-o

Do you know why a Trojan is a condom?Because when the Greeks made the breach then they Sommed themKilled everyoneAnd when they were doneIt was if the Enola Gay had done bombed them.

Hector was vomiting bloodAjax shouted “I’m in the hood!”And when Zeus saw all thisMan, he was pissedAnd he didn’t act as nice as he should.

“Do you remember when I strung you up high?Right up there in the sky?And bound up your handsIn unbreakable bandsAnd pounded you with banana cream pies?

It can happen again vile deceiver!”Hera protested. He didn’t believe her.He said “You’re a witchAnd a cunning old bitchWhy can’t you be more like June Cleaver?”

For Zeus loved sixties TVAnd it wasn’t that easy to see.For you are all aloneWithout “The Twilight Zone”When you’re stuck way out in BC.

Hera flew swifter than thoughtIn that beautiful gown she had boughtTold the gods what she knewBut what could they do?Before they act they already are caught.

And he called for Panic and TerrorBut Athena said “Que sera sera."And reminded him thatZeus would knock his ass flatAnd Ares allowed that he’d spoken in error.

Hera panted to Apollo and Iris"Zeus has commanded, 'Come to Ida and admire us.'Yes, he used the royal “We.”So they flew over the sea.In such a hurry Apollo didn’t know where his lyre was.

Zeus was resting in a scented pink cloud.Iris and Apollo curtsied and bowed.“Iris, go to PoseidonAnd sit down beside himAnd tell him this shit is no longer allowed.

For I first came out of the wombOf Rhea in that primordial gloomAnd if he wishesTo sleep with the fishesThat will be his inevitable doom.

One morning he’ll wake up in bedWith his favorite seahorse’s headAnd he’ll end up just bonesSleeping with Davy Jones.”That’s what the God Father said.

Poseidon was the “Encircler of the Earth”And he said to Iris “What’s that worth?We are brothers threeSo, he’s older than me?Mom always thought of me firth.”

Yes, Poseidon had an unfortunate lispAnd sometimes spoke like old Quentin CrispBut of Quentin Crisp’s witHe had not a bitNot a touch, not a shred, not a wisp.

He was to be the future sea god.As a boy he was very odd.He had a speech impediment.Liked to play in the sediment.And had seaweed all over his bod.

He felt, at a loss, without purposeAnd he was examined by a medical porpoiseWho found him autisticHence quite unrealisticWith an unfortunate case of herpes.

One day Zeus kicked sand in his face-oPoseidon said “Get offa my case-o!”But here’s what Zeus did.He got a big squidAnd rubbed it all over his face-o.

Then Poseidon’s face turned quite squamous:Scaly, and squishy and charmless.And he got depressedAnd thought it was bestTo stay up in his room in his pajamas.

And he would hardly ever go outHe stayed up in his room and did poutAnd became very oddDoubting the existence of GodAnd wondering what it all was about.

Poseidon went back under the flood.Between Zeus and him there was so much bad blood.He still wanted glorySo he started writing a storyWith Herman Melville called “Billy Budd.”

The story contained all that he missedA beautiful boy -- fated, death kissed.And down in the sedimentHe agreed with the sentiment“I am sleepy and the oozy weeds about me twist.”

Zeus had his way with Poseidonthen called Apollo to his side andtold him to go downto that dark killing groundshowing Hector whose side he was on.

He found Hector with stars in his eyesand said, "Man, I'll tell you no lies,Almighty Zeushas cut Poseidon loose.Its gonna be a good day for you guys."

So Hector became a mad dogwith his whip, men and horses he floggedscreaming, "Lets go, you Trojans!We've got Zeus' mojo andfor us today, victory is progged!"

The Greeks were pushed back to their boatsacross all of their walls and their moats.Then that charmer Patroclussaid, "I'd better go help us."and left Eurypylus with his goats.

And thus ends this part of the talewith both sides locked in a stalemate of killing.If Achilles were willing,we know the Greeks wouldn't fail.

Book SixteenThe Naked and the Dead

[Patroclus implore the melancholy Achilles to send him back to the war to help the Achaeans, Paris hides behind the arras with the help of Special OP Harris and overhears how Achilles may be killed, Paris at Woodstock, Tra la la, Patroclus sallies forth, Bites the dist.]

Dear Readers, soon you will learnhow the gods' will Fate's wheel may turngrinding life from each man,spreading blood over sand,such that, for atheism, he'll yearn.

Oh, we live in degenerate daysThat once might not have been true, anywaysOnce there were nymphsAnd you could catch a glimpseOf angels and fairies and fays.

This often made life more endurableBut in Homer it made life more deplorablei.e. the Greek GodsHere Homer nodsThey seem completely mad and incurable.

And who can guess what is in storeas Patroclus himself goes to war?Achilles may praybut it won't save the day.Oh, foreshadowing is such a bore.

Now Patroclus, to Achilles comes crying,"Alas, all our buddies are dying!I've just seen the light,I must join in this fight,I hope you don't think that I'm lying."

Achilles then calls him a wussand says his own anger is just.But that he never meantjust to hang in his tent.It's over now, what's all the fuss?

He looks with love at his charmer,and offers to loan him his armor.Says, "Lead my Myrmidons,and go after those huns!"Then took the fair lad in his arms.

But, of course, they weren’t the only ones thereAs they fooled about in the chair.For there was ParisHiding behind the arrasAnd a passle of the sprites of the air.

There were the spirits from the “Rape of the Lock”Were they there only to mock?What else can I see?A lonely bansheeAnd “Wachet Auf” by Johann Sebastian Bach.

Paris hid behind the arras and tittered.The sprites sailed through the air. How they glittered.And the lonely bansheeAnd, yes, the Fiddler of DeeLooked on and seemed somewhat embittered.

On the whole they found it fantasticalThat this ridiculous scene should be “classical.:“Sleepers Awake”That scene did forsakeFor the scene seemed somewhat bombastical.

How did Paris get behind that old arras?He employed a special op name of HarrisTheir secret headquartersWas under the watersBetween deadly Scylla and Charybdis.

But while these two Acheans dalliedHector toward Grecian ships sallied.Zeus was pimping Ajaxby breaking his axwhile the Trojans set fire to his galley.

Patroclus went into the battle well-greavedAnd all of the Trojan deceived.Armor covered his backUnlike the poor guys in Iraq:A horror hard to believe.

Achilles shouts to the gathered Myrmidions"Boys make your hearts as obsidian!And sensitive readersAre not Yes IndeedersThey'd rather be reading Joan Didion.

Then Achilles goes back to their quarters.The Martians fire up their transporters.He makes a secret signAnd gets some rhubarb wineWhich he purchased at a Phoenician importers.

He takes just one judicious sipThen removes the cup from his lipPours the wine outSo Zeus wouldn't doubtThat he is, on cue, as per script.

He offers up a longwinded prayerTo the God of the sky and the airFor his friend's returnBut soon he would learnThat the God Father just wasn't there.

He recites again his sad story:How he was born bound for glory,How it seems unrealThat a wound in his heelWill turn him into Greek Cacciatore.

His rough hands in prayer he clasps.Groans and can't hear Paris' gasps.Paris catches a rideWith a Martian named ClydeThat fatal knowledge the equivalent of an asp.

But sadly that Martian was stonedAnd his translator module intoned"Ok, let's rock!We're off to Woodstock!I'm one ET who doesn't want to phone home."

What could Paris do? There was no stopping him.That Martian was stoned and looked like a goblin.So Paris grooved with the hippiesAnd tripped with the trippiesAnd had an passionate ten minutes with Janis Joplin.

At this point I should explain relativity.But I won’t. I lack the proclivity.But Space and TimeAre like gin and limeHence the cosmic nativity.

And, to continue, the gist isExplained by Hermes TrismegistusEverything is eternalAnd a God could discern allThe possibilities and all of the vistas.

And all that is all will occurIn Space Time where there’s no “as it were”Which is much more mysteriousAnd deeply deliriousThan all our God Notions concur.

Consider the immensity of spaceAnd how we are stuck in this placeThis makes joke of allOur notions localInsisting we have seen God’s face.

No, I won’t explain my explanationBut it’s a source of endless fascinationIt will be in the prequelOr maybe the sequelAnd will cause a major sensation.

Patroclus cries “No more touchies and feelies!”Gets in chariot and does a few fine wheelies.The Myrmidions shoutAs they sally outThe Trojans see and feel a bit queasy.

Yes, Patroclus enters the frayand things start to go the Greek way.Men of Troy get the williesfor they think he's Achilles,the bravest of all men, and gay!

Is that Achilles?” they say“Nah, can’t be, really no way!”But see how they runCry “We are undone!”When Patroclus puts a dozen away!

He leads the Daanans to gloryslaughtering all in his path, very gory.Hector tries to hang toughbut enough is enough,he knows Zeus is changing the story.

Patroclus and his man Meriones,who both had enormous cojones,attacked all the Lycianswho turned and were fleeingthen Apollo yelled, "Pat, go back, homey!"

But Patroclus was too damn proudand he kept charging into the crowd.The gods grew annoyedat this arrogant boywhose hubris would soon be his shroud.

Wounded and chumped by the godsPatroclus faced terrible odds.Had he heeded Apollobetter days might have followed,and the Fates to him made a nod.

But none of these things were to passfor this day was Patroclus' last.Hector stabbed at his belly,his knees turned to jelly,and uttered these words at the last:

"Hector, you got sloppy thirds.Boast on, but you'll eat your words.You're not a god, you're a manand your death's close at hand."Then his soul fluttered off like a bird's.

But Hector cried bullshit and said,"How do you know I'll be dead?When I meet Thetis' sonI may be the onein the end, that comes out ahead."

Now the stage is finally set.But we're not to the ending, just yet.For our croupier, Homertold me, "Listen up, Gomerred or black pal, place your bets.

Book SeventeenPatroclusgrad

[Trojans and Greeks fight over the body of Patroclus, This book perfect of its kind don’t change a thing, Paris opens in Vegas, Paris appreciates Italian cinema and larger metaphysical implications suggested, Bob Dylan again]

They fight over Patroclus's body-oBut Patroclus don't care and drinks a rum toddy-oOn a houseboat on the StyxWith John Wayne and Tom MixAwaiting the arrival of his buddy-o.

Homer's Iliad is thought to be sacredBut it actually is quite inaccurate.The reasons becauseParis wasAt Radio City with Burt Bacharach.

While his brother fights over the stiffParis gets over his lispKnocks Vegas flatWith "What's New Pussycat"And helps Hendrix out with a riff.

Dying, the men become symbols.The bridge at midnight trembles.They go into the silenceOf no ideals and no violence."The country doctor rambles."

Book EighteenThe Arms of Achilles

[Auden’s great poem, Do look up “hippocampi, The Shield of Achilles Achilles and Tarzan of the Jungle]

From "The Shield of Achilles"

"A ragged urchin, aimless and alone,Loitered about that vacancy; a birdFlew up to safety from his well-aimed stone:That girls are raped, that two boys knife a third,Were axioms to him, who'd never heardOf any world where promises were kept,Or one could weep because another wept.

The thin-lipped armorer,Hephaestos, hobbled away,Thetis of the shining breastsCried out in dismayAt what the god had wroughtTo please her son, the strongIron-hearted man-slaying AchillesWho would not live long."

Achilles would have felt he was gippedIf he got THAT shield from Hephaestus thin-lippedThe Genealogy of MoralsGoes down in swirlsThat, inevitably, lead to the crypt.

And he had God on his side.And also his best friend had died.It's a significant thought:What has God wrought?"And the rushes cried Abide! Abide!"

All these myths want us to forgetHo! to battle! Hurrah! Well met!Patroclus's real last wordsWhich were the usual absurdsOf "Oh, no! Not me! Not yet!"

Brave Achilles is on his ships prow.Antilochus arrives and now:"Your friend is dead."Is really all that he saidAnd all Achilles could do was howl.

From the sea came a myriad of NereidsExcept two who were having their periodsA poet named DorisAnd a transgendered mermaid named MorrisWho didn’t think the whole thing was too serious.

Leading them was Achilles mom, ThetisWith Doto and Proto and two lovely RitasSaw Achilles thereTearing his hair“My boy, is this a nice way to greet us?”

They had arrived on fantastic hippocampiExcept for a Goth Chick riding a lampreyWith her green hair in a bunchyBound up by a scunci.The other Nereids thought she looked tramply.

And Achilles begins to recover(As I read this passage over and over).Mourns for his friendAnd his untimely end.But continually mentions his armor.

The Greeks had a “Culture of Shame”So what “Achilles” is is a nameAlways the heroConsequently my dearHe can screw up again and again.

The Greeks look and say “Godlike Hero”He’s our guy and without peer-o!So he is madAnd nasty and badHe is ours! Out wonderful hero!”

And in the Moronic InfernoWhere we presently twist and burn-oOur presidentIs a heroic gent.Talk about the Eternal Return-o

But, by the gods, how strangely declinedOur Fate seems to be signed.If we had just puts Fats WallerOn the greenback dollarWe might have escaped from this bind.

They eat but Achilles abstains.They talk of ancient campaigns.And Ulysses the wonkTheir consciousness zonksBy discoursing on John Maynard Keynes.

Zeus turns and says to Athena"Go and make like SabrinaFeed Achilles honey and nectarSo he can kill HectorAnd be a proper killing machina."

So now Achilles is prepared.Who knew how much the gods cared?And, of course,He spoke to his horseWhile the trumpets and bugles blared.

His horse's name was Xanthos.And they stood by the river Scamandros."You won't soon be aliveBut this time you'll survive."Neighed Xanthos who felt quite misandros.

Then Achilles cried "Ok, right let's go!"While Paris was hating disco.Thinking he might go homeHe took out a combIn the restroom of a gay bar in Frisco.

He also knew Achilles must die.He didn't know how it all worked or whyBut as he looked in the mirrorBehind him appeared ..."At your service. I'm Marty McFly."

Book TwentyVon Achilles Express

[Zeus tells the gods to go down and fight, Hera back from her cruise, Aeneas to fight Achilles but he has to live to be in the "Aeneid" so is spirited away, Gods fight, then sulk]

Cronos' son then launched relentless war.He told the gods to go to the killing floor."Choose up your sidesMy love always abidesDisregard how I was acting before."

And the gods gave a rousing great shout!And flew down from heaven's redoubt.They had been boredBut now they adoredThis chance for an immortal freak out.

Hera had returned from her tripAnd went to the assembled ships.She had returned with a tanAnd a retirement planFor placing Trojans in various crypts.

With her came Poseidon and HermesWho wanted Troy to go to the wormiesAnd Pallas AthenaThat prima ballerinaAnd Hephaestus with his significant infirmities.

But long-haired Phoebus, archer Artemis,and XanthusFlew downward to the Troyan campus.And they also had AresAnd a few renegade tooth fairiesAnd Aphrodite holding her lampus.

Apollo says "Aint we got fun?"To Aeneas: "Man, you are the one!"Aeneas said "I gotta go homeThen go sailing, found RomeSo sorry Son of the Sun."

Apollo says "But your mom's Aphrodite!Why do you take that so lightly?She's a daughter of ZeusAnd her power let looseWill overcome the old man of the sea.

Achilles' mom's just a silly sea naiadSimilar to a sprite or a dryadAnd her Dad's just PoseidonWhile your mom's dad's Mr. Lightning!""Ok, I'll go" Aeneas sighed.

Hera, hearing this, gets upsetand wants to double the bet.But Poseidon says chilland avers that they willdo better not to enter just yet

The gods flew to get the best views.Zeus stayed in Heaven amused.Although the fix was in,They shook the welkinCheering and calling for brews.

In these days when wars have gone globalWe forget the strange rites of the noble.Before they begin fightingAeneas must enlightenEveryone that he's upwardly mobile.

But first Achilles must insist he get backAnd go get a publicity flack.If he wants fair fameAnd an immortal nameThis is the wrong plan of attack.

Then Achilles reminds him of whenAeneas lounged by his old cattle pen:He came up with his spearAnd just by the force of his sneerMade him light out for the territory like Huck Finn.

Aeneas said, "So your mom's Thetis.I was Aphrodite's first fetus."Then he talked about horseshaving strange intercoursewith the North Wind, whoever he is.

Aeneas than recites the necrologyOf his noble and divine genealogyAnd again mentions, of course,That marvelous horseAn absolute freak of biology.

"The North Wind was that noble steeds sire!And he grazed in my ancestor's shire!"Then he threw his spear"Let the heaven's give ear!The rain is Tess, the fire's Joe and they call the wind Mariah!"

Aeneas and Achilles square off!But Poseidon avers, with a cough."I'm feeling all hollowfor that bastard Apollomade Aeneas think he was tough."

He knows that Achilles will winso he heads down in the dinand rescues the Trojanwith his powers mojoan,but Achilles thinks it a sin.

Hector and Achilles then rallytheir troops urging them not to dally.Then, they come face to facebut it's not time, nor the placefor the battle royale's sad finale.

For the gods, once again, take a hand,intervening down there on the sand.Apollo and Athenareset the scene-athough the hatred still burns in each man.

So each one goes off his own wayand each finds so many to slay.Limbs are hacked, guts are spilledspines are splintered, many killed.In all, it's a horrible day.

Book Twenty-OneAchilles Fights the River

[Remember the scene at the end of the Godfather? Baptism -- then cut to this or that hood being offed? We do that here. Rather well. Achilles attacks the Trojans hiding in the river Xanthus (also called Scamander), takes twelve young men alive to sacrifice for Patroclus, Rolling in the river, What Schopenhauer would say, Who was the mother of Helen?, Did Zeus really have sexual congress with a swan, Could it have been a goose?, Trojans race for the gates!]

Achilles was never a giverYet even the gods in their immortal flivversGodding aboutGave an incredulous shoutWhen he began attacking a river.

The Trojans had fled to its banksThen ran into the water, their ranksShattered and broken."Heaven, Hell or Hoboken!"Shouted the gods clapping hands, giving thanks.

Achilles jumped into the stream.Paris listened to "A Love Supreme."He was listening to MonkGetting quietly drunkWhile Marty McFly laid down his scheme.

Achilles thrust with his sword.Monk hit a diminished chord.And the river ran redAs McFly said"We better be getting aboard."

Paris said "Wait, let me hear "Ruby My Dear-o"None of this is exactly too clear-o."But Marty leaned backAnd put on the Eight TrackAnd slapped the DeLorean into first gear-o.

Achilles slaughtered thirty men-oHe grew a bit tired so then-oHe took twelve Trojans boysTo be his toysHe'd slit their throats at his friend's funeral when-o

He suddenly saw young LycaonWhom he had captured and enslaved long time gone.Achilles had assumedThat the lad had been doomedBut here he was living anon.

He suspected some theological plotBut was unconcerned. He was notGoing to show mercyAnd so, somewhat tersely.He informed the young fellow he'd rot.

The unarmed boy grabbed his kneesAnd screamed and cried "Oh, please, oh please!"Achilles said "I wishTo make you food for the fish."And gutted him and threw him into the river with ease.

The Greek warrior was on a mad tear,who he killed, he just didn't care.He met Asteropaeusson of the river Axiusand sliced him in half like a pear.

Then comes a horrible sectionwhere cold eels come from every directionto feast on his gutswhile fish nibble his nuts.Leaving no hope for his resurrection.

The river Scamander cried outto Achilles, "Damn it, cut it out!"He then called to Apollo,Saying, "Man, why won't you followZeus' plan? Put an end to this rout!"

Then the river got pissed and attacked,knocking Achilles right on his back.He thought he would drown,for no gods were around.His composure was starting to crack.

Now the gods start to rage at each other:even immortal sister and brothergo for each other's throats.To Zeus it's a joke,knowing that Hera's their mother.

Athena knocks Ares aroundthen takes Aphrodite right down.Saying, "Don't be a silly oneit's curtains for Ilium."Aphrodite did not make a sound.

Achilles thinks Apollo's AgenorAnd runs after him and it's just beforeThey arrive at the ScamanderThat Apollo with candorSays Agenor's been taken away heretofore.

And so the book ends with a chaseand the Trojans all trying to raceback through Ilium's gatesto avoid their sad fates.Destruction's a hard thing to face.

Book Twenty-TwoThe Death of Hector

[The Trojans retreat into the city, Apollo reveals his deception to Achilles, The death of Charles Nelson Reilly, Fake out of Hector, The wickedness of Athena, Worries about dogs, Hector bites the dust, Achilles' bad behavior, Bad behavior of Greeks in general]

While all this occurred on Troy's plainThe DeLorean took off in the rain.Paris sighedTo Marty McFlySaid "I guess I'm back in the saddle again."

Said "I've read the Iliad you know,And I guess were heading back through Time's flowTo save brother Hector."McFly touched his pocket protectorSighed, "The answer to that is a no."

Now Apollo reveals his deception.And we really should make a correction.If you lookIt's in the previous book.We lack all sense of direction.

But there is "No Direction Home-o"As someone said. I think Perry ComoFrom now on were linearBut always as tinny-earedAnd we're nearing the end of out tome-o.

Achilles is caught up in the crud.Garlic and sapphires there in the mud.Apollo says "It's oddYou chasing a god."Achilles says "If I could kill you, I would!"

Achilles ran like damned Smarty JonesThat day I watched at Malone'sBetting parlor.You could hear me hollerThen despairingly run from the phones.

I took bets on that horse: Triple CrownAnd watched as he lost. I was going down.I said to the waiter."I hope I'll see you later."Had a last drink and quickly skipped town.

Hector stood at the gate of the town.Priam cries out then shouts down."Hector come home!You're all alone!"Hector don't make a sound.

Priam leans down and then calls'Damn it dogs will be devouring my balls!"It's there in the textIf you want to check.And, man how that thought appalls.

Then as old Homer attestsHis mother wept and then bared her breasts."Come inside, sonOr we are undone.This is a warning, this isn't a test."

Then Rod Serling had to make a decision.Should he send in the Second Armored Division?Which you could seeIf you, like me.Have "The Twilight Zone -- The Collector's Edition."

But Rod reluctantly has to say no.Those tanks just had to goTo attack the Injun swarmAt the Little Big HornAfter all it's an American show.

Today when I got out of bedI learned that Charles Nelson Reilly is dead.But no time to grieveI just gotta believe"Drive" a certain poet once sd.

Oh the digressions are manyand most aren't worth half a penny.Lets get back to the gateswhere Hector awaitssome advice from his old pal, Jack Benny.

Jack said "Hector I might be wrong-aBut you shouldn't be here any longerIf you want to stay aliveGo down to track five.The train's leaving for Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga.

But even though his parents beggedand pleaded, he wouldn't be plaguedwith thoughts of his death.No, he took a deep breathand limbered his one creaky leg.

But, at last, he was truly undoneby the glint of A's bronze in the sunas Achilles approachedhe went white as a ghostand took off on a dead run.

Oh then the horse race was onwith Achilles chasing Priam's scared son'round the great walls of Troylike a dog and a boy,while the Gods just watched all the fun.

Zeus spoke first, saying, "Damn what a sight.I thought Hector would put up a fight.My heart fills with pitywhen I think that his citywill be in big trouble tonight.

Then Zeus pulled out his damn scales,and his ears heard the Trojan women's wails.Hector's side was depressed,and I'll bet you have guessedthat we're nearing the end of this tale.

And, please, we should never forgetThe part that Athena played in it yetIt's so upsettingThat there's no regrettingAnything we have to regret.

Athena tricked the Trojan boy.He looked to his left and ah joy!She pretended to beHis brother and heWent down to the dark poor boy, poor boy.Went down to the dark poor boy.

You see he thought his brother was there.But it was just the queen of the air.Achilles threw his spearAnd though it went nearHector danced from it like Fred Astaire.

Then Hector threw his own and it flewTo Achilles and almost went throughThe god-given shieldBut Achilles remained in the fieldSaying "There's something you wish that you knew."

And he laughed as he brandished a spearSaid "Just to be perfectly clear.This is the same oneAnd you thought I was undoneBut Athena returned it, the dear!"

Then Hector turned to his brotherAnd asked him to give him another.Then he realizedThat he had idealizedThe gods -- there wasn't a brother.

Hector said: “I am once more deceivedTo think that I used to believe."He took a breathSaid “Come ugly DeathNow there is no reprive.”

“The minstrel boy to the war has come-o”He pulled his sword the scabbard from-oAchilles thrustAll mortals mustPay the final sum-o

Poor Hector falls down to the dust.Achilles boasts as you know he must.Hector makes futile soundsAbout not being fed to the hounds.Achilles expresses his eternal disgust.

Achilles even says that he wouldEat him -- if he just only could.He’s a “man eater” quiteBut no anthropophagiteBut he doesn’t want to be misunderstood.

So he alludes to the dogs and the birdsAs Hector babbles forth wordsThen twists the knifeAnd poor Hector’s lifeUtters the final absurds.

He tells Achilles he’ll die at the gates.Achilles replies that he scorns all the fates.And with Hector’s last breathAchilles scorns deathAnd whatever whatsoever awaits.

And he said to all that would hear it,"I did this for Patroclus' spirit."Then he pierced Hector's heels,hooked him up to his wheelsand dragged him around Troy's parapets.

Hecuba pulled out her hair.Priam collapsed on the stair.Andromache hears their wails,she shakes, her skin pales.Seeing Hector, her consciousness fails.

When she woke up she wept and decriedher son's fate, now father had died."Astyanax, my sonyou'll soon be a bum,when the Greeks and their horse get inside.

Book Twenty-ThreeThe Funeral Games for Patroclus

[Tears Idle Tears, A visit from a spectre, A charming request, Young men who remain in one immense Body of Flame forming, for the moment, one of the most brilliant spectacles ever witnessed!, The impossibility of knowledge]

The Greeks wanted to call the day quitsso they all went back to their ships.But A and his Myrmidonskept all their gear onand rode up to Patroclus' kip.

And there they dismounted and weptand Achilles touched Patroclus' breastssaying, "Rest now in peace, friendfor Hector's met his endand here he is, dog food at best."

Then the Greeks had a feast and a partyfor Patroclus, that Achaean most arty.There was blood, sweat and tearsthey cooked pigs, sheeps and steersand saw circus shows by Billy Barty.

As Achilles just moaned by the beachthe ghost of Patroclus came within reachsaying, "You must plant me soon,Hades closes at noon."Then something more strange as he beseeched:

"Achilles we've always been friendsand when, by the fates, your life ends,mingle your ash and minein a jar amphorineof the kind that your dear mother sends."

One last embrace Achilles soughtbut reaching out, he found noughtbut the cold midnight air'neath the moon's vacant stare.On they mourned the whole night, non-stop.

Then pink-fingered Dawn bumbled indrinking a tonic and ginsaying "Whats all the fuss?Get your butts on the bus!Funeral games are about to begin!"

And Achilles slits the throats of of twelve teensAnd then he insouciantly leansWhile the Greeks play their gameOf immortal fame.Nobody knows what it means.

Book Twenty-FourA Sense of an Ending

[Patroclus is dead and gone but Achilles keeps hanging on, An aubade, A mother pleads to her son, A father and a mule, Achilles and the many tricks to evade the fulfillment of a common duty omitted, Chit Chat, Eyebrows and Literature, Virtues of Hardin's Domestic Medicine, Magnesia and an Eight O'Clock, Hour Glasses and Pill Boxes, Egotism and Boiled Eggs, The Funeral of Hector, Tamer of Horses presented to the wonder and satisfaction of the audience, Positively the Last Night!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Though Patroclus is dead and goneAchilles just hangs on and on.He can't let him goso he weeps, full of woefrom sunset till golden robed Dawn.

His treatment of Hector is vileand it bugs the gods after a while.A's mother, Thetistells him, "Don't be defeatestthere isn't much time on the dial."

So he agrees to give Hector backto anyone who comes with a packof jewels, gold or wineany one will be fineas long as they bring a big stack.

Hector's dad says, "Dammit I'll go.for his death has been quite a blow.Go get me a basketand a mule for his caskethurry up now, I'm late for the show."

Hermes guides Priam on downAchilles says "You do get around.You can have your sonBut you still better run."Priam takes the body to town.

The Trojans go out and get woodbecause Achilles said they could.Then Hector was roastedas to the gods they all toastedthen buried his ashes for good.

And everyone a grand sentiment endorses.And the stars proceed in their coursesAs per usualSuch is the funeralOf Hector, Tamer of Horses

Book Twenty-FiveFrom There to Eternity

The DeLorean came down to the plainAnd Paris stepped out in the rain.Then no rain. No Troy city.No town without pity.And nothing beside remains.

“Did I kill Achilles or what?”Marty says “Don’t know I guess I forgot.But look up! Two moons!"And out of the ruinsStepped the cast of Camelot.