Picture of me back a long time ago, showin' off my bitchin' guns. After this picture taken, every living thing in that shot, aside from me, died.

“I used to know MoldyCheese back when he was an old tyke... Back in 1542... Those were the days.”

~ Dead guy on MoldyCheese

“MoldyCheese? Dude... He's like, the best man... The best... I fap to him. Everyday AND night, just can't get enough... Like I can't get enough of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! Rule 34 on that please! And supersize it!”

Contents

Early Life

ANYWAY, back in 1924 I used to be an explorer for Spain. I explored many place, including, but not limited to: Spain, Ireland, Czechoslovakia, Ireland, England, Ireland, New Jersey (almost died on that one), Ireland, and Japan. It was after 1931 when I realized my dream. It was to become a movie star. I starred in movies like All of My Children (The Movie) and Willy Wonker's "Chocolate" Factory. I soon got bored with the glamorous life of living in a trailer and eating ice cream 24/7, so I moved to Tennessee in 1940 to secure my dream of owning a cat.

A New World

Little did I know, Tennessee was still lived on by the Native tribes. I tried to bargain with them and at first they were wary, but soon they decided I was safe and begun trading with my small empire. Of cats.

Then something horrible happened. Irish settlers came from the East and were hungry for potatoes, however, my potato crop wasn't large enough for them. Financing was going downhill as investors took off for the clouds because of the food shortage, however, French people saved us all. They were very snobbish, but they had masses and masses of French Fries! It was a miracle and soon we started praying to the Mighty Kingdom of France. Everything started to settle down after that and I thought I could lead a peaceful life for a little while longer... But that was not the case...

The 1980s

My cute little dog. Isn't it adorable how he plays with the Pink Panther doll?

Decades passed as I sat around, watching The Dick Van Dyke show. Soon it was the 1980s and there new things happening in the East! I heard on the news about some place called "Rome" which had the Western half taken over by Germanic Tribes. The Eastern half was now called the "Byzantine Empire", whatever the crap that means. I decided to take a visit, maybe start another, newer, life there. There were many fires abound. Every forest I came across was on fire. I saw small and large forest animals running around on fire. I decided to stop my caravan and roast some marshmallows. I soon continued on to find an old plot of land, with a ratty old shack on the side. I entered inside to see who lived there, but it was empty. I decided to stay the night inside, but when I awoke I found a man with a badge on his shirt. A copper. He handcuffed me and took me to this large metal contraption. He called it his "Car". I've never seen anything like it before. He soon cast me off to the jailhouse for the night and I just stayed subdued, might as well not cause him any trouble.

Continuing on, Now onto the 1990's

Well, that asshole of a copper had me in jail for about a decade. All I did was trespass on abandoned land! Anyway, as he let me go he said these very, very deep and emotional words of wisdom to my ugly face... "Stay gold, Ponyboy, Stay gold." For the first time in decades, I cried. However, these tears weren't your average wussy-boy tears... No... These were manly tears. They were so manly that a miniature Chuck Norris sprouted up from the ground. His voice was like a thousand songbirds in perfect symphony. It was beautiful, I didn't want to leave. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Only you can prevent forest fires", and so it was, I became on par with Smokey the Bear.

The Blaze

A close representation to what I looked like in the 90s.

I walked outside into the blazing inferno. My eyebrows immediately liquified and I was left without facial hair. I looked at the fire and growled, however, this was no normal growl, oh no, it was a rumbling from the deepest, fiery-est , most hellish pits of the underworld. I looked the fire into what I thought was it's brain, and I growled, nay, shook the trembling earth beneath my solid moon boots. The fire had nowhere to go, no one to go to, and no place to hide. I picked up my hand, stretched it back in a wide arc, and I let that fucker loose. It was the hardest bitch-slap known to whore. The ground around my feet trembled, then quickly gave way, revealing magma pits and screams of agony.