Now that the baseball season has fallen into an uneventful slumber, I find myself racing to find something to cover up the hole in my brain, so that it doesn’t bleed out and cause even bigger problems [see: messy floors, ruined shirts, social critiques, etc]. After months of brainstorming, I decided that the proper thing to do was to go back to the sport that made me love being alive in the first place. I’m talking about basketball, baby! Cause you know I love it when people to free throw shots and hoop-de-hoops and alley lanes and all that swaggy shit! There’s no time to waste, with all these swishes getting dunked!

Milwaukee Bucks 103, Brooklyn Nets 96

The really good thing about the Bucks this year is their affinity towards scoring points. They have this one guy on their team that is really tall and KILL ME NOW!

GIVE ME FOOTBALL!
FOOTBAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!
FOOOOOOOOOOOOTBAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!
FOOTBALL IS BEST AND COOL!

Houston Texans 20, Tennessee Titans 6
I see that Titans coach, Ken Wisenhunt, got fired today. I was quite tickled by this, considering that his team didn’t even play this week. I was going to go into full-on Chris Tucker mode and inquire how in the hell he could get fired on his day off. You gotta be a stupid mamma jamma to get fired on your day off! But then I realized that yes, the Titans did play this week. This game got absolutely no coverage on NFL Redzone. They probably showed it twice, when the Texans scored a touchdown, but they made sure the clip was less than 10 seconds long and Scott Hanson was on mute, to prevent any intrigue in such an asinine matchup. Nobody is ever allowed to discuss the Texans unless there’s a C-List QB controversy or if a player mentions that he hates your fantasy team. So, they get mentioned twice per season.

Kansas City Chiefs 45, Detroit Lions 10
Joe inquired why there were so many people in London that were willing to sell out Wembley Stadium, decked out to the nines in Lions/Chiefs paraphernalia. I failed to theorize that it was transplant culture, or there just are that many Lions fans in Europe. I don’t think those theorems are completely wrong, but I think I have it figured out now. The NFL is a brand that cannot be replicated. With any other sport, there are leagues around the world that essentially play the same sport. The NFL trademarked their own sport without even filing any legal documentation. And the fact that this game sold out only furthers the testament. Think of it as Star Wars. If they made a movie about Jar Jar Binks, you know that shit will sell out for the first day. It’d probably flop in the long run [or if a team was stationed in London], but people still get excited when they get just a little slice of SOMETHING.

Baltimore Ravens 29, San Diego Chargers 26
Skyman asked me if I thought the Chargers were gonna win this game. I shrugged. I felt like a kid and having an adult ask me if I liked going to school. I know I should answer yes, but I’m just too apathetic. This team has the same flaws as all of the Chargers of yesteryear, plus some of the flaws got worse. Watching them is no longer enjoyable. Every time Philly Rivs gets into the red zone, I go to the bathroom. I’d much rather force a poop out than to relive that nonsense 6 times per game.

New England Patriots 36, Miami Dolphins 7
The Patriots aren’t even fair. It’s like playing all of the flawless victories in Mortal Kombat II, only to get your ass handed to you by Noob Saibot. It’s not even fair. I don’t know how it got this far, but the Patriots are playing a much different sport than the other 31 teams. Only problem is, I don’t think ANYBODY is enjoying it.

Minnesota Vikings/Tampa Bay Buccaneers 23, Chicago Bears/Atlanta Falcons 20
Here’s two divisional slobberknockers that nobody cares about! These teams get so little TV coverage, I bet you all forgot who even plays for them. Take a wild guess. You’d probably be right. As crappy as these teams are, none of them have underwent any sort of roster deconstruction in the last 5 years. It’s still Matt Ryan to Julio White, Jay Cutler is still mendoza-esque, the running back for the Bucs is still that one guy you remember from College Ball and Adrian Peterson never missed a beat after almost being exiled. Move along. I’ll let you know if anything changes.

Denver Broncos 29, Green Bay Packers 10
No thanks. I’d rather watch the Mets collapse than listen to Al Michaels loosen his jaw about how Peyton Manning is now too human for entertainment. And yet, he’s still undefeated. This shall be discussed at a different time, over Cheez-Its and cans of Surge…

Arizona Cardinals 34, Cleveland Browns 20

New Orleans Saints 52, Port Authority Giants 49
This game brought back my faith in football. It wasn’t about bullshit penalties or bone-crunching hits. It was about two aging quarterbacks, pretending that they were 24 and fliffing Moon Marys like it were Arena League Xtra Football Max. I always hated the 10-3 defensive battle. Give me a record shattering donger fest where every quarterback gets over 600 yards and every receiver gets way laid afterwards. That’s what makes life worth living!

Oakland Raiders 34, New Jersey Jets 20
People keep saying the Jets be good this year. I was excited to watch them. But then I saw that they were suck. You lied to me, New Jersey! YOU LIED TO MEEEEEE! WHHHYYYYY?!?!?
WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?

Cincinnati Bengals 16, Pittsburgh Steelers 10
This game was the opposite of the aforementioned foam fest. Two teams, at the top of their game, vying for the lead in the AFC North, failing miserably to do anything on the offensive side. Which made no sense to me, as I kept seeing badass plays from Big Rape and Ginger Magoo. What Redzone didn’t show was that there was a bunch of goal line turnovers or field goals or it was all my imagination.

St Louis Rams 27, San Francisco 49ers 6
I’ve been saying it for years, but I really want to get behind the Rams. I want so badly for them to want it so badly. And every year, there’s a ray of hope giving all the true believers some spank material. This year, it comes in the form of rookie RB, Todd Gurley. He replaced fellow teenage girl, Zac Stacey, and in doing so has blazed through record books as if they were made of Bambu™. He has been the most promising rookie running back since Adrian Peterson and he basically shares the same running style. Why does this matter? Because in the football culture that we live in, breakout running backs have been replaced by the combination of 3 or 4 bruiser backs. We’ve seen so many potential hall of famers only last 2 or 3 years and now teams are unwilling to pay for them. Instead of having a dynamic back play every down, coaches have opted to having a mediocre or washed up back in a 5 man rotation. This strategy shift has even forced my fantasy league to forgo the RB slots in favor of flexes. But if this Gurley freak of nature can keep it up, maybe he can inspire other teams to look for dudes like him, who obviously still exist. Either that, or he’ll wreck his knee next week and we’ll see him next year as the 6th string RB for the Patriots.

Seattle Seahawks 13, Dallas Cowboys 10
I’ve been forced to watch a lot of highlight shows this season, so I know everything there is to know about the Cowboys and Seahawks. Even though they take up 76% of NFL Network’s airtime, they are extremely mediocre. This game is a true testament to their Meh-ness. And yet, afterwards, people were still talking incessantly about this terrible, terrible game! Oh my guh, Dezzz Bryant said some shit to a ref while a guy got hurt! Oh my guh, Pete Carroll sed the Boyz be classless! Oh my guh, MATT CASSEL! MATT CASSEL! Romo? MATT CASSEL! MATT CASSEL!
You get the idea…

Carolina Panthers 29, Indianapolis Colts 26
Last night, we discovered that Andrew Luck is allergic to water. And victory. He’s allergic to water and victory.

Join me next week when I forget that the Panthers are undefeated and I base all of my opinions off of those of Marshall Faulk. Ugh. I hate working Sundays.