Tuesday, January 04, 2011

A Universal Truth

If there's one thing I learned from skulking around in the paperback section of my local drugstore when I was kid it was this: ALL THINGS EVERYWHERE CRAVE OUR WOMEN.I don't care what race, species or genera you are, whether you are living or dead, animal, vegetable, mineral, fungi or bacteria - your first thought upon each aching waking morn is how to steal our women.And who can blame you? Look at them.Some people are willing to melt whole cities just to nab one choice specimen.What happened to the future anyway? I was raised to believe that man's technology would one day enable women to wear the scantiest of flimsy clothing in any environment, in heat cold and even the airless dead vacuum of space. Instead, what did we get when the future came? Rap and Facebook.

HUMANOIDS

On the planets nearest our own, life has evolved according to the incredibly coincidental laws of parallel evolution.They are like us in 98% of their anatomy, but differ in some minor part. Maybe they have bulgy eyes, or green skin or an extra limb or 2.A couple planets further down the solar system brings us creatures who've evolved through cross classes, exhibiting features from the animal, bird and sundry other tangled branches of life.

SLITHERING SLIMY OOZING ALIENS

In other star systems we find more imaginatively evolved creaturesThey may be further away from our anatomical structures - at least most of them, but they share with us the one universal need for human women.On KIX world, the lusty creatures swell their puffed cereal bits atop their exoskeltons to impress pliable females borne of a star system light centuries away. Whips lacerate and burst the KIX pustules and cause stinging searing pain to the poor creatures who merely crave to improve their degraded gene pool.Water pistols are lethal weapons on a world wrapped in an atmosphere of helium gas.Our most intelligent scientists carry their precious cargo in moisture-tight bullet shaped capsules made from alloys forged in the sterile gravity free nether regions of space. We could use some of these sound proof hydro-sealed capsules ourselves.

APPLIANCES

We higher thinking males have to be more careful with the inventions we create, lest they too turn on us and take away our inspirations.Here a robot fights to the death with a dragon for the right to mate with a heaving pulsing human damsel.The only thing that can stop the lusts of computerized machines is a simple plumbing pipe. Higher machines have learned to respect and fear their primitive ancestors.

GHOULS

Even things that no longer breathe need feminine company. Impaled heads can get especially lonely.

ARTHROPODS

Insects have a special need for mates with mushy outer parts. Their jagged pincers are perfectly adapted to puncture and inject their love venom into the soft yielding flesh. Once they get a hold of your sister, it's game over.Why didn't future fashion turn out this flimsy? Covers like these sold billions of paperback books so it's it's pretty obvious that there is call for it. Maybe designers feared that clothing like this is just asking for aliens to conquer us.Underpants man stabs his scout knife straight through the steel hide of the chitinous drooling beast before him. He may have missed the reproductive segment and that will be his undoing.

BEASTS

Even bats, manta rays and tyrannosaurs can't resist the pheromones of the human female. That's probably why they evolved in the first place.

The trapped girl below is mildy concerned about the snake with the human head that is about french kiss her.

This fine literature tells us the only reason men exist at all is to protect our helpless mates from the lusts of even more vulgar and loathsome creatures than ouselves.IF ONLY THE OPPOSITE WERE TRUE...but only in fantasy stories that beg the imagination.

It's a good thing today's animation producers didn't rule the pulp age or all the covers would have depicted scenes like these:

The Golden Age of Pulp! Mr. Pipe Wielder on Amazing Stories is also Mr. Chain Wielder a few covers below! The artist didn't even bother to flip the pose... Recycle-Reuse! "We're on a Deadline, People!"

I love these dime book covers! I think I want to start a phase of my work where I want to try and incorporate some of the elements of this. To me, these things really embody the 20th century for some reason.

I'm guessing the artists for Startled Stories drew from live models who were cracking up about what they were portraying. The women on the Valley of Creation and snake-head man covers seem to have expressions more like "amused and high" than "mortal terror." Great post, what species wouldn't develop interstellar technology to come after our women.

But rap videos and facebook are littered with scantily clad women...just without the vintage sci-fi charm. They need to start making movies like Plan 9 from Outer Space or The Lost Skeleton of Cadaver again (not REMAKES). Cast Casper van Dien as a cheesy hero and make Katy Perry the idiotic damsel. Throw in some midget aliens and a robot...now THAT would make a sweet comic book cover.

John, I'm kind of scared. It's as if you're about to say that comics should be done only for men.Also think that Moebius and others rose and created some futuristic craziness. No crotches. Just simple imagination.

Anyway, as always I've got a request-if by any chance you could describe how Mary Blair got to discover her style... few people drew like her in that time, but she sprouted and laughed at any monotony behind or in front of her. But how did she do it?

This fine literature tells us the only reason men exist at all is to protect our helpless mates from the lusts of even more vulgar and loathsome creatures than ouselves.

That's true though. Women marry men for their own security. We exist to protect the baby incubators and help stir up the gene pool. We're guns with a DNA mixing spoon attached.

Men marry women to secure a sexy lookin' baby factory for their own private use. Women have to look hot and men have to have the muscle and technology to protect them. Otherwise they're disqualified for reproduction.

It is a universal truth. If I ever have to give my future teenage son 'the talk' I'll show him these magazine covers and have him listen to a couple of Prince albums. That'll sum things up for him nicely.

CAN Captain Future DEFEAT Monochromatic Man and his PHALLIC launching rod of DOOM...and prevent him from LAUNCHING this HELPLESS female CREATURE into orbit in his giant SPACE vibrator????Find out in the next issue ofCAPTAIN FUTURE! MAAAAAAAAN OF TOMORROW!

Times sure have changed; the P.C. Thought Police (and other aging hippie-types) changed all that forever. By the time of Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987), the VERY FIRST order of business was to put ALL the women in pants suits! (The second order of business was for me to stop watching, along with ever other 100% red-blooded American male.)

"You'd think they would capture MEN for the genetic info stored in their junk!"

If these comics existed today thats exactly what they would be. Aliens abducting middle aged men so they could remove their reproductive organs and put them back into important roles in society, so they would emasculate all the other men on earth so the women would be ready and waiting to go with the aliens.

By the way, John, you can continue with your Nicholas Ray posts. We're paying attention. I can't speak for everyone here, but I am waiting for you to apply the philosophy to storyboards. I was going to do something similar for my Flash filmmaking class with Preston Sturges. I love the cartoon-esque physical humor in his comedies :)Start drawin' man!

You just have overlooked that there exists a parallel universe, where the female creatures on top of the food-chain just do not care about the short-living male pollinators. Male ones only see their three-dimensional appearance.

Seeing the twenty-something-dimensional truth would make the life of the simple male ones impossible, thus threatening the existence of all.

American" animated shows made today that are not reality show ripoffs, rehashed fairy tales, or illustrated political/social commentary.

I agree with your assessment of the first two points. However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with political/social commentary in things. Really, there's no way NOT to put some kind of commentary into any piece of artwork anyone has or will make. Everyone adds their point of view no matter how hard they try not to, which is a good thing. Without it, the work has absolutely no substance.

But, of course, the entertainment value has to be present first. Without that, any commentary (political, social, or otherwise) would be irrelevant.

(I guess I felt I had to say something about this because I recently finished a comic book that is 26 pages of social commentary. You can't blame me.)

What's interesting to me is that out of the 50% Divorce rate I believe it's mostly the Women who "leave." Why on earth is that? I'm thinking Genetic Engineering is evolving around this Concept: Designing Girl "THING."