John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide - from birthdays, holidays, and other reminders. (Published 3/24/2015)

Q:

My only brother died near the end of 2007. Mom got sick with cancer and died in the summer of 2008, and Dad died of a heart attack (broken heart) in the fall of 2008. 3 deaths within 10 months. I was completely blindsided. I did see a grief counselor for about 6 months. Each day I was reminded of them somehow. Every month it seems like it’s their birthday, Mothers day, Fathers day, their death anniversaries. I have not been able to let go of anything that was Mom and Dad's yet. I have excess of everything. Songs make me cry, flowers in my yard, etc.. I'm more depressed than happy. Yes, I’m on meds. Any help or advice would be so much help.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Tracey,

Thanks for your note and request for guidance.

The kind of emotional overload you’re obviously feeling, with the almost constant reminders of those important people in your life who have died, can clearly alter fond memories and make it like you're in constant pain. In reality, there’s nothing you can do to stop the birthdays, holidays, and other reminders from occurring. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

We’d also have to guess that the meds you’re taking, at best, mute the pain a little, but don’t make it go away.

The fact that three people in your life died in less than a year is undoubtedly a factor, but another real issue is this: If you don’t have tools and skills to help you deal with the first death, then you don’t have tools for the second, third or any others. You must learn how to grieve and complete your relationship with the pain and unfinished business connected to each of those relationships.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll feel more and more complete with each of those people.

Also, near the back of the book is a section that will help you be able to decide which things to keep, which to discard, and which you may want to keep for a while more and decide later whether to keep or discard. That section is on pages 163-164 of the book.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.