1. What’s the first thing you see when you open your eyes?
a) Alarm clock
b) Wife
c) Sign on bedside table advertising interest-free credit on all headboards until 2015

2. Somebody else is in bed with you. Is it:
a) Life partner
b) Cat
c) Elderly couple that smell of charity shops, testing the matress for firmness

3. What’s the worst thing that happens when you get up for a mid-sleep tinkle?
a) Minor bleary-eyed spillage onto toilet carpet
b) Forget to wash hands
c) Escorted from premises by security

4. You are suffering from insomnia. Do you:
a) Read a book
b) Adjourn to the study to work on your pet project – a wholly unauthorised and largely fictional biography of television’s Bradley Walsh
c) Take the lift down to electricals and do some research on the benefits of 2-slice versus 4-slice toasters

5. You have a recurring dream in which you are running naked in a public place. Is it most likely to be:
a) School
b) Your workplace
c) The roof of Debenhams, surrounded by police. There’s a helicopter too.

Robert Peston’s Power Shower Hour (BBC1) Daily 60 minute round up of business news, comment and financial forecasts presented by the BBC economics editor from his newly installed power shower. Contains nudity.

Hammerhead Goes To College (Channel 4, T4) Lighthearted family comedy in the ‘Happy Days’ mould following the hilarious hijinks of the minor Star Wars character and his frat buddies during their first semester at Space Harvard University. Today’s Episode: Hammerhead separately asks twin sisters to the senior prom, with predictably side-splitting results. Contains nudity.

Come Mine With Me (ITV3) Gastrochallenge show in which four Chilean miners trapped 200ft underground take turns to prepare imaginary three course meals accompanied by a needlessly withering narration, the winner rewarded with first choice on which of the other contestants to eat first.

Egg Format (BBC Four) Magazine show covering the exciting world of home computing and in particular the latest egg based operating systems. In today’s show the Scrambletron 5000 gets put through it’s paces, and we examine the rise of toast as a replacement for the humble floppy disk. Subtitles 888.

Steal from friends.

Do you have a friend who is an obssessive vinyl collector? Who proudly shows off their neatly filed, carefully alphabeticised, colour-coded, genre cross-referenced collection whenever you visit? Sure you do – so why not snafffle a couple of choice items while they’re in the bog on your next visit? This technique is also commonly referred to as ‘borrowing’, as in “Hey can I borrow this for a couple of weeks, I’ll do a copy and bring it back next time I’m round”, the reply to which is usually “Yeah, course you can, no problem”, accompanied by a heavy inner sigh coupled with the resignation that you will in fact never clap eyes on said item again before Satan gets his ice skates on.

Steal from Charity Shops.

Your local chazza shop is a goldmine of useless tat, hideous odours and potentially, priceless gems just waiting to be uncovered amongst the Hot Hits compilations from the seventies and copies of Now 4 (one record missing). Charity shop employees, with an average age of 98, are legendarily the most flat-footed pursuers of opportunist thieves on the high street, so help yourself to an armful of vinyl safe in the knowledge that your getaway needn’t break in to more than a casual saunter.

Actually, don’t do this, it’s really wrong and immoral and so on.

Offer sexual favours to record pressing plant production line employees.

Why faff around when you can feed your passion by going straight to the source for your fresh, hot vinyl? Probably, many employees of such establishments are male, so if you too are male, this may involve some temporary homosexuality. They won’t have a problem with this, as even at these far-flung reaches of the entertainment industry, it’s well known that most people do in fact tend to be quite fruity. If you have an issue with this, perhaps you should be looking for another hobby. What’s the problem, huh? Don’t like gays or something? Some kind of queer-bashing hate-mongerer? That’s it, I’m calling the police.

Bonus Tip: Microwaves are friendly!

If ever I want to shrink something, I put in the microwave. This is ideal for all those 12 inch albums you may own that were full of filler tracks – just pop it in for 267 seconds, Gas Mark 99 and Defrost, your back catalogue of tedium is reduced to just the singles, and that one with the cool bongo fill around 2:38.