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Everybody, I have an exciting announcement: yours truly is getting married!! That’s right! For the first time in about 3 years I’m going to have myself a work husband. So excited!!

There’s something so special about the relationship between work spouses. There’s a fine balance between friendship, intimacy (in a mostly non-sexual way), and professionalism (kind of). Your work spouse is the one who you know can keep a secret, who you give pep talks to when they’re feeling blue and who’ll do the same for you, the one who you trouble shoot with, and celebrate with when one of you has a win. They’re the ones you have secret exchanges with in meetings. Kind of like a work bestie – only with way more flirting.

In the past I had Disney and I had Folgers. I even had a boss with dreamy blue eyes who I was promoted above and then I made him sit next to me and we would distract each other from work for ages and now when I see him I want to climb in his lap and tell him to hold me. Actually, I wanted to do those things when we worked together. Alas, he was married. He still is. God damn it.

My new work husband, or maybe he’s a secret work husband since he doesn’t know about it yet, has just been hired. He wears pin striped suits with suspenders. He is funny and charming. He is sharp. We’re going to hit it off and soon we’ll be off at lunch excluding the other leader who has a shitty attitude about life. I can’t even wait!

He reminds me of Monsieur le Baguette a little bit. Only a bit more conservative and with dimples.

A real life boyfriend and a real life secret work husband. Both with dreamy eyes and charming personalities. What could possibly go wrong?

Aw, the joys of coming back to work from a 3 day weekend. Have you ever noticed there’s still 5 days of work that has to get done and you end up cramming it into 4? Or is that just me? Listen, don’t get me wrong, I’d totally take the long weekend over having to sit in my cell office with horrible lighting.

This afternoon I had a one on one with one of my direct reports. She proceeded to tell me how overwhelmed she was by all of the work she had to do. Maybe I’m crazy, but 3 projects really isn’t that big of a workload. Her pace is about as fast as a snail’s and she was used to being able to get away with that until I came around. I’ve got some expectations on pace: get your shit done. Stop shopping on line and talking to your friends all of the time and do your god damned job.

She burst into tears in my office while she cried about how she had so much to do at work and at home and she wasn’t getting down time. I handed her a box of tissues and controlled my eye rolling as best as I could. On the inside I was shouting, “stop crying and do your work.” On the outside I just blinked and nodded.

This work is not that hard. Really, it’s not. And if you’ve been sitting on something for 2 weeks because you don’t know how to do it and the deadline is coming – guess what? I’m not going to move the deadline. That shit is on you to figure it out or ask question. Ignoring something isn’t going to go away. It’s like an STD, you can’t wish crabs away. You also can’t wish your work or deadlines away.

“Are you getting bored yet,” my mom asked a few weeks ago when I was telling her about Monsieur le Baguette. “What are you talking about?” I asked. “You always get bored with them.”

Do I? Do I do that?

Maybe I do.

Am I bored now? I don’t know. Maybe? Maybe I think I am but I’m not and I’m just insecure because he loves 90 minutes away and we see each other every other week and we talk on the phone every night and text all the time but the last few days seem a little off to me for some reason but I don’t know if it’s me or him or if I’m making up a story in my head and I’m thinking I’m not into it when I don’t hear from him but then we’re fine when I do and then I get irritated when he tells me he’s going to bed and his friend ends up showing up and he drinks with him for hours on end and ends up hungover the next day.

He sent me 2 dozen red roses yesterday.

And when I don’t hear from him I question whether/not he likes me. Um, did I mention he sent me 2 dozen red roses yesterday?

When we’re on the phone sometimes we struggle (in my mind) to find things to talk about. We share stories from the past, and what we’re doing now and will talk about he future but then I think maybe he’s not smart enough and we don’t have anything in common and I’m looking for a reason for this not to work so I can find an excuse to get out and not have to put in any effort and preserve any heartbreak that might come my way.

Yesterday I told him I might start looking for a new job, he asked if I would be moving to live in his city.

No, no I will not. Because we’re 2 months in, his kids don’t know enough about me, and I’m not uprooting my life so it’s easier between us. Too soon. WAY too soon. In August he’s taking his kids on a trip and will be gone for 6 weeks. That’s a long ass time. We struggle to make it through the 10 days we don’t see each other – what will 6 weeks do.

I have a feeling that’s about the time I might start to get bored. But I won’t really be bored I’ll just be insecure because I won’t know if he really likes me or not. Because does he?

Did I mention he sent me 2 dozen red roses yesterday and he asked if I was moving closer to him?

Many years ago, when I was a tiny fetus, I made the decision to pursue a job in HR. I was attracted to the glamour and the incredible pay. Oh wait, wrong field. When asked why HR, I’ll tell people I really enjoy helping others and want to serve as a resource. That I’m invested in their professional growth and I’m intrigued by the team dynamics in an organization. LOLZ! No, but really, one of the greatest things about working in HR is all the juicy gossip you get to hear. There are some jacked up things people decide to do at work. Some are legitimately bad and/or illegal, and some leave you wondering why people are so dumb.

Whatever the stories are, I always enjoy them. Even when they’re a bit cringe worthy. My favorite part about all of this is I’m never the one who has to discipline any of the employees because I don’t do employee relations. If someone comes to me, I merely refer them to the appropriate party. And then I spend time talking to the people in employee relations so I can get the scoop.

I’ve got some favorites which have remained with me over the years:

There were the two new hires who were fired because they were caught in a supply closet, both had their pants around their ankles.

Then there’s the story of how someone walked into a dark training room only to find his married trainer bent over the front desk while her married direct report nailed her from behind.

How about the one time a senior manager called to tell me he’d been at an after work event with his team and one of his direct reports got HAMMERED and then proceeded to proposition him. She thought she was whispering in his ear, but she was talking at full volume – in front of her entire team. Oh, and both she and her manager were married.

There’s also the staff member who falsified medical documents showing he was having surgery and would need to be out of the office, and then was dumb enough to post Facebook pictures of his cruise to the Bahamas.

I love the one about the sales guy who got a sweet promotion and was promptly fired when he turned in his work laptop – the laptop he used to watch porn while he was traveling.

Then there’s the story of the woman who repeatedly made out in the work elevator and in a conference room with someone 9 years her junior who had a girlfriend. Wait. Shit. That was me.

Through those stories I’ve learned key lessons such as lock the door if you are going to engage in sexy time at work; don’t get drunk at work functions; if you’re going to proposition your boss at work, make sure your entire team isn’t seated in earshot; fraud is bad; if you’re going to watch porn while you travel for work make sure you use a personal device. I’ve learned and grown so much.

It’s like this job was made for me – stupid decisions and gossip. The only thing missing is booze.

One of the most fun parts of hooking up with someone new is discovering their body for the first time. It’s like unwrapping a present – you never know what you’re going to get until all the wrapping is off. I tend to be like a kid a Christmas, ripping all the packaging off the gift and diving right in. Usually you’ll get an a “Oh! I love it! It’s just what I wanted!” from me. On some occasions there may have been an “Oh. Not what I was expecting, but it will do.” Mind you, the last reaction is never spoken aloud.

The reaction to the package, so to speak, isn’t just about size or shape. Much of it has to do with the grooming which has or has not taken place. I appreciate when a man takes care of his business. Rifling through a forest of pubic hair is not my idea of a good time. Just as we ladies are expected to keep our lady parts groomed, I expect my men to do the same thing. Manscape the shit out your stuff, dudes, it’s common courtesy. No one wants to be choking on pubic hair during a blowie. Hooking up with 3D was like being lost in a deep dark forest, I forgave him because the package he carried was pretty substantial and he knew what to do with it.

In this most recent round of dating I’ve found men to be far more concerned with the way they present their junk, and for that, I say “thank you.”

We ladies have all sorts of options these days: stay full, trim it, landing strips, bald eagle. You have to figure out the best way to make your lady bits shine in the way they should. Maintenance can be a bit of a chore, but it’s always worth it. You can shave it, tweeze it, wax it, or laser it. Shaving is great on day 1, then the damn little red bumps make their appearance. Waxing makes me want to die on the table, and when it’s time to regrow the hair it’s so damn itchy. It’s what I imagine crabs to be like, only more uncomfortable. Tweezing takes an eternity and you end up with the same regrowth issues as with waxing. And that, my friends, is why I have decided on laser hair removal.

Two weeks ago I had my initial consult. It was quick, they showed me lots of pictures of options (bikini, landing strip, full Brazilian), we talked about the process, and I signed on the dotted line. 6 sessions, every 2 months to kill all those pesky hair follicles. Ridiculous amount of money to get it done, but it will be worth it.

Last week I went to my first appointment. I was dead nervous as during the consult I had been told it the process would take 40 minutes. I’d read the sensation felt like rubber bands snapping on skin, and that sensation on my most sensitive parts for 40 minutes didn’t seem like something to look forward to. People, it was worse than snapping laser bands. There are certain parts of your lady bits which are super sensitive and the technician told me it would feel really “spicy”. It felt like someone was pinching as hard as they possibly could – I don’t know about you, but I’m not down with pinching my privates. There I was on my back, naked from the waist down, legs akimbo with a complete stranger, trying not to sweat and cry. Kind of like a first hook up only not as fun. All because I want to be properly groomed when I hook up. Talk about vanity.

Thankfully, the process only lasted about 10 minutes. There was no pain after the session. I was told it would take about 2 weeks before the shedding phase, then I’d be hairless for a few weeks, and then the sleeping follicles (they go through growth cycles) would activate. I’ll keep you posted on progress. We’ll see how things go. So far, I’m not seeing anything new. Monsieur le Baguette is eager to see how everything works out.