Posts Tagged ‘Real Madrid’

Barcelona’s Lionel Messi today named his top three fast food restaurants as Subway, McDonalds and UK sandwich chain Prêt A Manger.

The announcement was Messi’s second revelation in as many days, increasing speculation that he has begun pandering to a worryingly large proportion of the United Kingdom who, in the absence of any discernible English talent, now see him as some sort of God-like prophet.

Ben Dwayne, from Rotherham, reasoned: “This man is clearly not of this world. He is a miracle, I tell you, and a time will come when he will pass judgment on us all. We must prepare for this moment and take heed of his words today.

“We are a simple people. All we want is guidance – answers to the important questions life poses.

“Who is the best player in our humble league? Where should I have my lunch? What is the best iphone app? Shit like that.

“Lionel will guide us though the shadowy pitfalls and into the light.”

Widespread hysteria following Messi’s comments has led to the Argentine declaring that he will reveal a new ‘top three’ every day for the foreseeable future.

Future words of guidance will range from the top three tracks to play when stuck in a traffic jam to a trio of ways to kill a crocodile with your bare hands.

A spokesman for Cristiano Ronaldo reacted: “He’s doing what now?! Oh, for christ’s sake, so now he’s supposed to be some sort of all-knowing deity is he?

“It’s ridiculous, especially given that he still hasn’t proved he can do it on a cold January evening in Stoke.

There is absolutely, positively, no way that I would even think about diving for a penalty ref...

Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho today told the club’s board that the only way to compete with rivals Barcelona is to replace their current shirt sponsor with a picture of a cute kitten or puppy.

In the aftermath of Wednesday’s defeat, Mourinho suggested that the number of refereeing decisions that go in Barcelona’s favour is almost certainly connected to the Catalan club’s unique sponsorship deal with UNICEF, and certainly not just another one of his conspiracy theories.

“I accept that officiating a football match in which all 22 players consistently cheat and angrily disagree with pretty much every decision you make must be a very difficult job. All I’m saying is that, faced with so much dishonesty, who are you going to believe? The player sporting the logo of an evil gambling company, or the player whose shirt basically says ‘every time we fail, a child dies’?

“I have to credit Barcelona for discovering such an innovative method of gamesmanship but, now that we know it works, it’s time for us to get involved.”

If the board sanction Mourinho’s plan, then the famous Real Madrid shirt would carry a weekly photo of the cutest animals that Battersea has to offer, along with the caption ‘Don’t let me go hungry’ in the native language of the match referee.

“Yeah, that’s the key”, chortled Mourinho. “We’d arrange everything to make sure that our donation is sent to Battersea only when we win, which gives the referee a serious moral dilemma when deciding major incidents. This may well help us close the gap.”

Madrid fan Luis Sanchez welcomes the move: “Fuck it, why not give it a try? Look, we all know that Real Madrid will never in a million years have the level of patience and unity that Barcelona have shown to enable them to develop such a brilliant team. That’s just not how we roll. Our thing is spending shitloads of money on marquee signings and, you know, just sort of hoping it works out. This is why I am pleased to see our manager focussing on things that he can change, like guilt-tripping the ref.”

When asked whether he truly believes the accusations he has made concerning Barcelona, or whether they are simply a result of his inability to graciously accept defeat, Mourinho was adamant – donning a pair of dark sunglasses and saying: “Look, I’m trying to free your mind. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.”

It will, however, fill the 30 second period at the end of your hour of freedom at lunchtime, when you are desperately trying to find things to distract you from strapping on the nosebag, and eating some serious keyboard. Heck, it may even make you laugh, and occasionaly be topical.

So, whilst you snaffle at the remnants of your bag of McCoys, cast your eye on these ‘not-in-any-way-motivational posters’:

Back in 2002, the big cheeses from FIFA decided to change the rules, allowing clubs to buy and sell players solely in two designated ‘windows’ (1-31st January, and from the end of season until 31st August). This meant that the normally busy summer suddenly became the most important time of the year for clubs looking to improve.

In England, both chairmen and managers alike keep their cards extremely close to their chests, not wishing to alert rival clubs to the players that they have been scouting, in a bid to swoop in there first and get a better deal.

However, this all results in the British tabloid journalists, working with little to no information at all, going into overdrive. Striving to fill column inches, they link every player to every club in need of a player. This sometimes verges on the ridiculous (Samuel Etoo and Ronaldinho to Spurs, are mere drops in the ocean of rubbish that has already been put together this summer).

Extraordinary tactics yes, but also clever, as it taps into something that has been very clear in modern football over the last 10 years… the players now have the power, not the clubs. If a player wants to leave, it is virtually impossible to stop him.

Whether the speculation has just been thought up by a journalist, or is the dream of a club president, it can’t be denied that people will start to believe it is going to happen if they keep hearing it. I find it hilarious how the chairman and managers, the very people who pride themselves on keeping their cards close to their chests when it comes to transfers, react to speculation and start to soil themselves in the fear of losing their best player.

The Ronaldo situation seems to have increased the sensitivity of the top clubs to speculation, and in the last week alone we have seen both Milan and Liverpool issuing ‘hands off’ warnings to any clubs interested in Torres and Kaka.

From the first speculation appearing in a newspaper, to the player finally signing on the dotted line at midnight on the 31st August, there really is nothing more amusing than two top clubs publically wrestling over the transfer of a player. It’s a superb distraction from the season, and Ronaldo will surely not be the last one this summer.