Pages

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

My birthday is in two days. The hubs keeps asking me what I want.
I keep saying I'll think about it. There are a few things I would like. A cool
new Desire Map planner for next year. Some new crystals or oils. A new statue
for my space around the shed. Books, lots of books, you can never go wrong with books. Even a few things I need, like a new juicer or a
new massage table. I silently ask him in my head..."do you have any idea
what I would like for my birthday? What would put a smile on my face and in my
heart? I know you do if you think hard enough."

As I was cleaning up outside this morning (insert picking up dog
poop), I realized what I want for my birthday. It's a doozy (not like a presidential election do-over or immediate world peace doozy, but still), and I think he is
going to wish he would have just bought me something and quit asking.

I want our home to be a place of peace, comfort, encouragement and
support. I want it to serve as a haven for this little family of ours. Like a
bubble of unwavering light and love. So what does that mean? How can he give me
that? How can the boys wrap that one up for me and give it to me with pancakes
and coffee in bed on Friday?

Am I delusional to think that this is a possibility? A house with
a man, 2 boys, 2 dogs, a frog, a turtle and me. There is constant activity
within these walls. Lots of noise, lots of banging, and just pretty much a
steady stream of kids in and out. It's a small place, we don't have a ton of
room. Things are stashed in every nook and cranny. There is always dog hair and
dirt from outside on the hard wood floor and dirty finger smudges on the trim
around the doors. Dishes and laundry are always needing to be done and dusting
doesn't happen enough.

But I think, the most important thing in the house is the vibe.
The feeling you get when you are in it. Do you walk in and feel relaxed or
tense? Do you walk in to a place that smells like home and that puts a little
warm ball of contentment in your chest? Do you move around the space feeling free
yet supported? Unhindered? Or do you feel tied down or boxed up? Do you feel
open? Free to say what you want to say or sing what you want to sing. Free to
speak your mind without getting told to quit talking? Free to share your dreams
without getting judged or made to feel that those dreams are silly or
unattainable. Do you feel like the people here support you to take chances and
be unique?

The vibe is the energy right? The energy from the people in the
house. The energy they bring in after a tough day. The energy that gets shared
when someone is excited about a new idea. The energy that permeates like fog
when there is discontent or unspoken frustration. The energy that lights up
everyone in the space when someone feels completely and truly loved for who
they are at that moment.

The vibe doesn't lie. You can't have a pretty house with a yucky
energy and still have a pleasant vibe. The vibe is what it is, and it is
directly due to the energy brought to the space, and held in the space, and fed
in the space.

So I want our vibe to be high! I want our vibe to be joyful yet
soothing. I want our vibe to allow for mistakes and learning. I want our vibe
to encourage growth, taking risks, and living each day to the fullest. I want
our vibe to be filled with unconditional, unwavering, constant love and kindness.
I want there to be honest open communication and void of passive aggressive comments.

I want each of us to be free to do the things that keep us healthy
and make us happy, without feeling guilty, or like we are burdening the rest of
the tribe.

Each one of us, being whole, and who we are meant to be.

Loved and accepted fully.

Respected.

Cherished.

Celebrated for our own uniqueness.

I want each of us to be responsible for our health. Our physical
health, our mental health and our spiritual health. For our vibe to encourage
health in all of these areas.

I want us to be a team. A
team that enjoys time together and allows for time apart. A team that feeds one
another the good stuff. The stuff that builds up. The stuff that makes
stronger. The stuff that makes hearts and minds healthy, happy and free.

So, this high vibe business takes work. It takes reflection and patience. It takes thoughtful choices and discussions. It takes honesty and vulnerability. It requires letting go and facing fears. It asks us to allow for failure and to even be grateful for it if, and when, it comes. It requires tears and hugs and quiet time. It's fed by nature, breath, faith and compassion.

Probably woulda been easier to ask for a gift card huh? Haahaa!
Good things...really amazing, awesome things, are rarely easy.

I can remember, as a little girl growing up on the central coast of California, coming across shed snake skins as I would play with my sister in "the woods" by our house. The woods being bunches of eucalyptus trees and dirt roads for days. And then, in Virginia, finding dozens upon dozens of empty locust shells clinging to tree trunks. Both the snake skin and the locust shells looked like they should still have live creatures inside of them. Almost always seeming fully intact. I often wondered how the locust left the shell of his former self, attached to a tree, without busting right through and shattering the now too small body to bits. It seemed like some kind of magic. And that then leading me to imagine and question...

"Didn't it hurt?"

"Did the creature get injured breaking out? Like maybe it lost a limb, or even died

"Are they happier in their new skin? Are they healthier?"

"Will he/she have to shed again? I wonder how many times until he/she is all done growing?"

I don't have the best memory, but I really do remember those times so clearly. I was always struck by the heaviness of it. The left over body that wasn't needed anymore and the process of molting. When I was younger it seemed scary, painful, and ugly. I didn't focus so much on the life that followed the shedding of the old skin. I was too taken by the wreckage left behind, the memory of what was.

Of course there are other animals that go through similar processes of shedding, and or metamorphosing. Outgrowing themselves and becoming new. We even learn about some of it in school. Like when the teacher bring the chrysalis into class. And you get to learn about how this little creature came to life, and how it will transform right before your eyes in just a few weeks.

But we never are really told about the times we will shed our old skin. About the transformations we will need to make as we outgrow ourselves. Especially females.

The feminine life cycle is nothing new. They were talking about this stuff back in 2700 BC, but somewhere along the way passing down the knowledge of these cycles kind of fell to the way side. The magic behind the transformations that women go through and the soulful reasons for them, basically got put aside. Maybe everyone got to busy to care or to think it really mattered. We'd all get through it one way or another. We would all grow and change and figure it out. What was the point of talking about it, embracing it, and supporting one another through it? Instead of learning about our own power of transformation, we learned about tampons, cramps, pregnancy, and becoming a mother. We learned how to do it all, take care of everyone, and exist on too little food, sleep and self care. Very few talk about it. It's like a skeleton in the closet of womanhood. At certain ages and stages, YOU will change. I am not talking about post baby body, getting grey hairs, or menopause. I am talking about who you are underneath all of that. You will come to a point in life when you will have to molt. No matter how hard you try to keep that skin on, because it's the skin you are used to, the skin you are comfortable in, it's coming off sister.
Little pieces of skin starting noticeably coming away the year before I turned 40. I say noticeably, because I'm sure it started loosening, preparing for removal at about 38 years old. By the beginning of 39 it was uncomfortable. I started shifting around in my seat trying to scratch the itch. I started to get frustrated. I started to get hungry for something but didn't know what. Nothing was very satisfying, I wanted to run away and I needed more. Knocking on 40's door I was on fire. My skin was tooooo tight. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to relent and let the molting begin or I was going to loose my mind. And so, I accepted that for the next, who knows how long, I would be leaving bits and pieces of dead skin behind as I moved through life. At this point, the pain of staying in that old skin was worse than letting transformation happen.

The thing I now know, at a month away from 41, is it is not a super fast process. It's not like you finally make up your mind to let it happen and you get to just rip off that too tight skin like an old band aide. I visualize it like this....starting at our feet (tail) the old skin starts pulling away and up. It gently starts moving away, releasing the new, tender, glistening and magical skin underneath, little by little. I don't know for sure, but I feel about 70% through the process give or take. I imagine my new, stronger but softer, sparkling skin is about to my heart. There the old skin is still trying to break away and finish moving it's way over my head.

So what happens while this molting is happening, besides the shedding of skin? Well, it seems to me that we shed so much more than our skin. We start releasing old beliefs that no longer serve us. We start letting go of past pain that we've been unknowingly holding on to. We begin to realize, we are not only meant to be some one's wife or some one's mother in this life. That may very well be part of our journey but that is not the end all be all of our story. We no longer really care about what others are thinking about us. The perceptions they hold of us our their own. Their judgments don't matter. All that matters is that we are being true to who we are. We suddenly begin to innately understand that we, if we would only care for ourselves, and heal ourselves, are powerful enough to heal the world. We have fire inside, transformative fire. We are magical.

So here I am, more than half way through all this shedding and changing, when a piece of old skin gets stuck. The skin doesn't want to pull away there. It tears the flesh around it and allows that skin to move on, but it is holding on tight. So I take some time, to sit (actually lay) in silence and just feel. I lay, and listen, and breathe, and wait. To my surprise a hurt from decades ago rears it's head. I'm not afraid of the memory just taken off guard. It's something I haven't thought about in so many years, at least not consciously. I do not immediately understand why the skin is stuck here, why it won't let go. I've forgiven, I've moved on. What is causing this gripping? It dawns on me that fear is holding that skin on. I'm afraid to expose that sore spot. The old skin was acting as protection, a natural scab, covering a deep wound. This is the part of molting that is tough. When you have to reach down, grab that piece of skin, and gently, but with some strength, pull it off, so you can complete your transformation.

I ask myself, "What am I meant to do with this? Is this meant only for me , for my healing? Or is this something that I can bring forth, to support other sisters in healing?" Ego adamantly dislikes the notion of sharing. Ego yells, "Why?? Why share? You don't need to tell all to be a source of light in the world. Nobody wants to hear about it. It's not going to do anyone any good. It's not going to support, or offer encouragement or healing. Shut this shit down, NOW!" Soul calmly and resolutely says "You've been reminded what you are here for. You know your truth. You know you are here to speak truth, bring light, and support the healing of the world. You know your power. You do not fear judgment. Share while you can."

So I take a deep deep breath, and I pull off the gripping skin. I feel shame, and sadness, and anxiety. I remember vividly that night. I was 16 years old. I was drunk. I was at a party. We were kissing. He pulled me into the bathroom. I said no. I didn't want to do this. He said I did, obviously. He said it didn't matter, no one would believe me anyway if I decided to tell them, after they saw us making out. I was pinned between the bathtub and the toilet. I remember the feel of the cold tile. I don't remember the act itself. I smacked him in the face after it was over, and then apologized for it. I gave him a ride home. I pulled up later to pick up my best friend, my soul sista. She knew immediately something had happened. I said nothing happened, I was fine. Then I "admitted" we had sex, no big deal, I was fine.

"I am fine" was my motto for the next many years. I turned off my feelings, lost respect for myself, drank, and slept with a few other people because my virginity was gone, and I was "used" so why did it matter. I didn't treat myself with respect, and didn't expect any from anyone else. I had anxiety attacks and didn't know why because "I was fine".

Years went by. I healed. I forgave. I really did. He apologized. I still see him. I care about him. He made a mistake. I hope he has forgiven himself. I don't take what happened lightly. I do believe people who commit hurtful acts against other people should be held accountable. I do believe in karma and know that we reap what we sow. I was young and scared. I truly thought no one would believe me. I truly convinced myself it wasn't that big of a deal, that it happened to girls like me all the time, and worst of all, that it was partly my fault. If you are reading this now, and have had a similar experience, please know, if you said no, anything other than nothing happening, is/was NOT your fault. No matter what happened up to that moment. No matter how much you drank or smoked. No matter what kind of clothes you were wearing. Please understand that deep in your soul.

I honestly didn't even know "it" was still there, hiding under the skin that was being shed. I realize now, that part of what I hadn't done, was forgive myself. Forgive myself for not treasuring the girl inside, for not loving myself and caring for myself. For not offering myself respect and support. I was the one that needed forgiveness. I needed to love myself again. If you are reading this, and have had a similar experience, please stop now and take a minute or an hour, to forgive and love yourself. To go back to that younger version of yourself and hold her and comfort her.

And so it is. I forgive myself. And I love myself. I am now free to allow the molting to continue. To finally let every piece of the skin that served me well to fall away. To finally allow every inch of my new, self loving, multicolored and textured, gleaming beautiful skin to be brought forth.

So my sisters, remember this...you are a goddess and have the power of transformation deep inside of you. You will change. It might hurt a little. But you were made for this. To experience life, and to love yourself through it all. I know it's scary. It possibly even seems unnecessary. Why drudge up old stuff just to get to new stuff? Maybe you won't need to. Each of us has our own transformation process, our own experience. Why shed this skin? I like this skin. I have spent a lot of money on beauty products and sunscreen to protect this skin. But we are a soul (inside this skin and bones). We have a path, which inevitably includes growth. And as our ancestors knew, thousands of years before us, it will happen. Your evolution will happen. Maybe, if a few of us can share, and be forthcoming about our unique experience, we can offer a hand to hold, a speck of reassurance, a little knowledge that you, sweetheart, are not alone. And, you, sweetheart, are MAGIC.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Anyone who is angry is really fearful. I mean I've heard it before, said in different ways, but the same message. I believe the two most basic and true emotions/motivating forces are love and fear. For some reason this picture, and this message just spoke to me today.

I began to visualize the people I've watched do, and heard say, hateful things lately. The "friend" on Facebook who's posts flabbergast me with their political remarks and sense of entitlement. The girl who flipped me off yesterday with fire in her eyes, as I accidentally pulled out in front of her. I remembered the article I read last night about a mom blogger who received terrible threats and hate mail because of a post she wrote and shared about her own marriage. Readers inundating her with comments about what a bad wife she is and how she shouldn't air her dirty laundry.

Then my mind starting reaching further. To Syria. To Afghanistan. To the bombings and killings that have happened world wide in the last year. To the footage of debris and blood covered orphans after their families have been blown to bits. To cops killing civilians and civilians killing cops.

After that little journey, I started reeling it in closer to home again. My house, last night, as I yelled at the kids for not listening. We had two hours of meltdown. Kids tired from school. Mom tired from work. Homework, playground drama, blah blah blah. I was angry because I felt like I wasn't being heard. I was angry because my boys don't follow directions without questions. I was angry because it was our first day of homework and already we were having issues. I was angry because....

because...

Hmmm. Well, it sure felt like anger. Until I stopped for a moment and realized what it really was.

It was fear. I was afraid. What I was really feeling, down in the deepest hidden depths, hidden under the scowl, and the raised voice, and the occasional curse word (yes, that happens), was fear. I was afraid, I am afraid, that I am failing them as their mother.

I must be a shitty mom because I have kids that don't jump the first time I tell them too. I have let them down by not being strict enough. They need more structure and clearer boundaries, but I am not consistent enough. I want to give them freedom and encouragement to be who they are, to question and discover, but I don't want that to interfere with my "orders" when they are given. They think I'm mean and that I don't love them with every single piece of who I am, without condition.

So I stormed off to my room. Told them I needed a few minutes. Shed a few tears. Took some deep breaths. Came out and started over.

Sometimes, it's easy to see how the anger is really fear in disguise. Even though I don't agree with my FB friend's political views, I can see where his anger (really fear) is coming from. He wants to protect his family. He is scared they will be hurt, that their lives will be made unstable, that they could be in physical danger. Other times it's so difficult, sometimes the fear is so well hidden under multiple layers of chain link armor, all we can see is the festering anger. And maybe, after so many years and generations of fear being expressed as anger, it just becomes hate. Hearts get hardened and aren't able to offer compassion to beings with opposing beliefs. Minds loose the ability to see past the veil of the supposed reality. Maybe the collective soul of that group of people goes to sleep. Waiting for the next life, knowing the fog is just too thick.

I don't know. I'm not a spiritual or psychological expert. I just write about what I experience in this life in hope that it can offer truth and encouragement. In hope that we can all begin to see things from a heart and soul perspective. In hope that we can all remember who we are, that we belong to each other, and we are in this together.

I'm not saying anger isn't a real emotion, or that you can never just be pissed off. Like the chick who flipped me off while driving...maybe she just thought I was a terrible driver. Maybe there was a moment where she was fearful for her life, which then made her angry.

So let's try this (me too)....next time you find yourself mad, a little perturbed or head spinning about to blow your top mad, stop for a second and ask yourself why. Truly and deeply and honestly, why? Let yourself be vulnerable for a moment. Let the fear, hiding behind the anger, peek it's head out and make itself known. We could learn a lot about ourselves. We could begin to see others in a more compassionate way, realizing they too, are afraid.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Do you want an epidural for life or do you want to feel it? Do you want to feel stuff today, to be soft and vulnerable, take the good with the bad? Or do you want to be numb to this life, to the stress, fear and disappointment? Do you want take the six inch needle in the spine so you can get through it all without experiencing pain?

As adults, we are subconsciously and automatically making that choice every day. So much of the time we don't even realize it's a daily option. Every single one of us have had painful experiences. We've all been hurt by other people in various ways (physically, emotionally..) We've all been painfully humiliated. We've all been disappointed by dreams not fulfilled. We've all been pressured at some point in time, to try to change who we are to fit in. Some, have seen, or personally experienced terrible abuse which has shattered their core and altered their being.

We are experiencing turbulent times on earth right now. (I began to list the numerous atrocities taking place presently and realized that isn't necessary.) Some days it seems you can't get through an entire 24 hours without hearing about something heart wrenching. Some say (and have been saying at intervals for hundreds of years), the end of the world is near. Others say, it's the shift. The time for awakening and transformation. Whatever you choose to believe, I think we all innately realize we are on the verge of some major changes.

No wonder we often choose the six inch needle to the opportunity to feel things! It is so much more comfortable to numb ourselves to the pain, past and present. "Give me the damn epidural. I don't want to feel the hurt. Can I numb my eyes too? So I don't have to see the violence? And my ears? Can I numb those? So I don't have to hear the hatred? Can I have the biggest full body epidural available please? Like head to toe? The walls I had built up since childhood are no longer strong enough to hold it all back. I need more. Walls and lidocaine!"

This past weekend I had a tough day. I started writing this post a week or so ago, and now get to add some hot off the presses, like super recent experience to it. I knew there was a reason I didn't finish it at the first, I usually do. But this post sat in pending draft, so I could have a shitty day Saturday, relate it to this post, and tell you guys all about it.

Everyday is a different day right? We get to make these choices every single day, through out the day, at every interaction. Lead with my heart or lead with my head? Let soul drive or ego? Feel, stay warm and soft..or turn it off, freeze up and pull up the draw bridge?

Saturday I chose some self love and a nap, instead of the epidural. The day started with a battle of wills between myself and the hubs. It got ugly. We shouted, and made ugly faces, and were not nice at all. I didn't want to feel the stuff I was feeling. I didn't want to stay open. I needed to sleep it off. To let my sensitive self rest and find strength, so I could communicate and not be a total zombie. Because that is my long time conditioned response ya know, the zombie thing? I used to think it was a strength, now I know it was only a cop out. To just shut it all out. Pretend like none of it mattered. Don't feel it and it won't hurt. Don't cry about it, there is no point. Just keep going, numb, walled, secure, standing tall.

I can say, this time was different. I knew what was happening. I didn't opt for the quick cold shot, even though it was tempting. I knew I needed to let it all slowly wash over me, through me. I knew, from lots of self examination, that my immediate response would be to shove it all aside and go about my day, for several days, like nothing even happened, until it just sort of went away and didn't matter. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to feel it, but knew I needed to do that in little intervals, and that it would drain me, and make me sad, and angry and finally, after some soulful rest, ready to communicate. To remain open. To remain soft.

So I'm thinking the secret might be, to be aware of how you operate. To know how you have conditioned yourself to handle emotions and conflict. To give yourself permission and grace to do what you need to, to care for yourself, through the process of feeling.

What an immeasurable pity it would be. To stop feeling it all, just so you could stop feeling the hard stuff. When you get the epidural, you don't get to say "just block out the painful stuff please." It all gets numb. The pain, fear, anxiety, sadness AND...the joy, gratitude, excitement, love, awe. No more realizing with amazement how very blessed you are. No more laughing until your face hurts. No more authentic and tender moments with your loved ones. No more tears of utter joy. No more passion or drive or excitement. No more hope. When we numb ourselves against the darkness we numb ourselves against the light!

So what are some things we can do, to be able to stay soft and open to all of it? To stay strong and flexible. To nurture ourselves, to be able to withstand the storm before the calm without anesthetizing ourselves.

Almost all of us need extra support. Whether that means a good hard sweaty run, or a long sweet quiet walk. Whether that means journaling or painting or building or gardening or sleeping. Whether that means talking with someone you trust, or seeing a therapist, or taking extra vitamins, or even medication. Each one of us has different ways of being and different needs. No one is "weak" for choosing one of these supports over the other. We all need to love ourselves enough to choose what is right for us. To support ourselves so we can say "no thank you" to the numbing shot. To support ourselves so we can say "I know this is going to hurt and I'm going to let it."

For me, one of my favorites, is time spent in nature. Breathing so deeply, being amongst trees and plants and dirt and water and all of God's ancient mysterious beauty. Even just getting my hands in some soil and planting something will make a difference. I have other supports as well, I find it's best to have several.

Spend some time figuring out what supports work best for you. What actions or places or practices bring you peace and strength and rejuvenation? Give yourself permission to use them. You will feel more whole. Stronger but softer. More aware and more graceful. You will find yourself, much more often. deciding to forego the epidural.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Do you ever just take the time to sit in silence? Until about a year and a half ago I really didn't. I was constantly on the go, in the middle of one thing, just to be thinking about the next thing. I was never really in the moment. And I never made time for stillness or silence. Who has enough hours in their day for that crap?! I'll enjoy silence while I'm sleeping, maybe, if I'm lucky.

I always thought I was too busy. I was living in my head. My ego was the boss of me and it did not want me exploring quite time.

Why do ya think our egos throw all these road blocks in the way when it comes to self care? Any thoughts? Well, of course I have one or two. I know, surprise surprise.

Our egos are like little control freaks in our heads right? Like little task masters. All stick up their butts, black and white, right and wrong, obsessive little army sergeants. Our egos like to puff us up about the things we are good at and constantly remind us of all those things that we aren't. They like to make us feel like we are spinning our wheels, like we are treading water and have no extra time, or energy for things as frivolous and pointless as enjoying some silence.

Because, guess what? When you find a little teeny bit of quiet, you begin to see the ego for what it is. In just one still moment, you can find peace, fleeting, but peace. And you realize, in that moment, "Oh my God, Ego, you little devil! You didn't want me to come here, to do this quiet time thing, because it exposes you for the bully and liar that you are. I see you now, Ego. I got your number!"
That awareness may not last long, an your ego might Rico Suave his way back into your good graces, but it happened. That moment of realization happened, and you won't forget it. Ego will try to point out how, as you tried to sit in peaceful bliss, you kept thinking. You weren't able to stop thoughts from coming and going. You weren't really very good at that sitting silently thing at all. It wasn't really working. But don't let him fool you, it was. Ego might even decide it's time to pull out the bug guns. If making you doubt yourself isn't enough, he's going to start shoveling out the anxiety and fear. He'll start poking and prodding in your tender spots. Reminding you there are things that you don't want to think about, sit with, or feel. Reminding you, that you are avoiding those things for a reason. If you let down your guard, if you quit running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, if you let silence in, those thoughts you haven't wanted to think and those feeling you haven't wanted to feel are going to invade. And then, you are going to loose your shit and be miserable. All because you thought you wanted a little bit of peace. I call bullshit Ego.

Little by little, you find yourself wanting to find that place again. That beautiful place, where all was still and calm for a few moments in time. Where you could hear yourself breathing, you could listen to your heart beating, you could inhale deeply into your belly, deeper than you ever had before. The place where you sat with your back straight but it didn't feel like you were trying to be Miss Perfect Posture, you just felt centered and strong. The place where your heart was open and full and your mind was awake and alert but felt light and flexible.

Every one of us has time. Every one of us can benefit from quiet. We live in a loud, uber-stimulating, much too virtual world. We are constantly being pulled out of ourselves, into places and situations in which we don't necessarily want to be. But during these few moments, you can decide where to put your attention, and intention. You can silence the sergeant and give yourself a gift. The loveliest gift of being inside of yourself. Not pulled in a hundred different directions. Not taking in everyone else's energy. Not living in your head, but in your soul.

You can sit in a chair, or cross legged on the ground, or lay down, or walk slowly (preferably in nature, but wherever you can will work). You can close your eyes (which I prefer) or you can keep them open and focus on something beautiful and inspiring. You can play soft relaxing music, or sit in complete deafening silence. Give yourself permission to just be. Thoughts will come. Let them come and let them go. Pay attention to your physical body. Where are you holding tension? Breathe into those tight areas and breathe that gripping right out. Let what ever is happening happen. Let go of what you think it is supposed to be, and just let it be what it is. The more you do it, the more you will want to do it. The longer you will be able to do it. The more you give yourself this gift of intentional silence, the less control your ego will have.

Quiet time is really yummy you guys. However you "do it", just do it. Let yourself rest inside, all safe and snuggly.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

There are parts of yourself that you keep stashed away, in the deepest corner of your closet, under lock and key. Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, they are there. No matter how many years go by. No matter how much you ignore them, push them aside, pretend that they don't exist, have never existed. There are parts of yourself that you don't want to know, or acknowledge. There are parts of yourself that you feel you can't possibly share with other people. If they only knew! What would they think of you? They would never look at you the same. There are parts of yourself that scare the shit out of you. There are parts that are tender, like a finger with a splinter. It's there, you feel it. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you can pretend it's going to heal on it's own. You aren't going to have to dig it out. You aren't going to have to get the tweezers and poke at it...removing some skin to expose it. You're just going to leave it alone, feel the pain when you bump it against something, then push it aside again. Ignore the discomfort. Ignore the infection. It will go away, on it's own, it will go away.

Do ya think it will? Do you really, truly think it will go away if you pay it no mind? Do you think if you ignore those parts of yourself that seem out of place, wrong somehow, that they will disappear all together? You can forget they ever made an appearance and you can go on, being normal.

This hiding, it starts young. We start stashing pieces of ourselves away as kids. We have an experience, something or someone tells us, this particular thing that we have going on, this particular piece to our puzzle is wrong. We aren't supposed to be that way. We aren't supposed to feel that way. We aren't supposed to dream those dreams. We aren't supposed to talk about that. So, we realize that that little piece needs to be hidden away. We wouldn't want to be weird, or different, or wrong. We wouldn't want people to think we were bad or weak or peculiar. So we take the little puzzle piece and start a pile in the deepest corner of our inner closet. The discard pile. The pieces that don't seem to fit.
But notice something.....we don't throw them away. Why don't we just toss the misfit? It doesn't seem to belong, why keep it?

We keep it because it is part of who we are. We know, deep down, somewhere, that we need that piece. That someday, we might find where that piece actually goes. If we throw the piece away what would happen? We would have a puzzle with holes, with integral pieces just missing, with noticable vacancies. One day, many years from the moment that we hide the piece, we may actually NEED it.

The time will come for all of us. The time when life forces us to put up or shut up. To show our cards. We are going to have to tip toe back to that far dark corner, and sift through our discard pile.

It's not easy. You put those things there for a reason right? They made you feel inadequate or ashamed. It's hard to look at it, to feel it again. You might question..."Why do I have to be this way?" "What is wrong with me?" You might scream to yourself or to God..."I didn't want this piece! I still don't want this piece!" Yet still here it is.

Oh my love, these pieces, in the discard pile, they are so important to who you are. That is why they are still there. Waiting for you to acknowledge them. To see them. To accept them, and yourself. To put them into the empty spots. To complete your puzzle. To make you, YOU, in all of your glory and splendor. They are really the most important pieces. The hard pieces. The ones that finally, after so much effort, put it all together. This is it. This is your power! This IS who you are, and who you are for a very important reason. Without those pieces you couldn't be who we need you to be, love. You would be incomplete and insincere. You would only be a fuzzy version of you. We want the magical, messy, true, strong, vulnerable, knowing, warrior version of you. We need the warrior version of you, so we can be the warrior version of us.

Through pain and discomfort, through fear and anxiety, through darkness comes the light. There is nothing, nothing, as bright and beautiful and mesmerizing as you are...empowered, unabashed, quirky, different and WHOLE.

Friday, July 1, 2016

Stop comparing yourself to others. Man, woman or child. Each one as individual as a snow flake. Each one with strengths, weaknesses, dreams, fears, insecurities, all their own. You are you, you don't look, think, see, sound or radiate the same energy as anyone else and you are not supposed to.

Stop feeling like you need to compete with others if you happen to share similar gifts. The world is vast. There is need for your gift, my gift, and everyone else's gift. Life is not a popularity contest to be won. You don't have to be the leader of the pack, just contribute and share from your heart. We are in it together.

Stop airbrushing yourself. Please. No more photo shopped or perfectly angled pictures. If you are going to take a photo or selfie, OWN it. Look like you, not some fuzzy, glittering, altered version of you. I know we live in a time and place when the standards and expectations for physical beauty are unrealistic and ridiculous. I know we all feel pressure to look a certain way. To have good skin, and full silky hair and straight white teeth. To glow and radiate youth and health. But let us be part of changing those false ideals. Let us be beautifully authentic. Love yourself for who you are. Find comfort and healing in that.

Stop beating yourself up. None of us are perfect. We make mistakes, thank God. What good would we be if we didn't? We wouldn't learn anything. We wouldn't grow. We wouldn't journey. We wouldn't discover. We would have nothing to share that meant anything. Think about what you are thinking and how you are talking to yourself. Be kind to your precious self. Give yourself grace and encouragement.

Stop taking it all so personally. Wow, this is huge. We are all living in our own dream. We are all existing together in this world, but carrying our own perceptions, walking our own paths, learning our own lessons. The guy in front of you on the freeway who is not using his blinker and driving way too slow....he doesn't have it out for you. He isn't just trying to piss you off, and even if he is...it's not because of who you are. It has nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally, wish him well, take a breath and go around. The person on social media who is blasting all the working mom's for their selfishness and disregard for their children's well being, isn't doing it because of you. It has nothing to do with you. Even if you are a working mom. You know your truth. What will it do to feed that nasty fire? How will it make you feel to blast her back and take what she is saying personally, to get into a back and forth argument over the validity in her statement? When you give it power, you accept it as yours. Scroll past that shit.

Stop running yourself ragged. Take a breather. I know you have so much to do, and feel like if you stop, you will never get it all done, and then you'll have even more to do tomorrow. You have lists to check off and time lines to adhere to. That is not always a bad thing, but if you don't give yourself a little bit of time every day, to breathe and sit in silence and gratitude, to talk a short mindful walk, to listen to music, be creative, enjoy your loved ones.... you are not living, you are trying not to drown.

Stop living in yesterday and tomorrow. Just for today, live in today. Live in today's blessings and hardships. The present moment is all we really truly have. The present is a lot easier to handle than reliving the past or trying to predict the future.

Stop yourself from being unkind. Do your best to live from your heart. To extend love. We all have grumpy days. Days where we don't want to be nice, when we feel out of patience and maybe frustrated or angry. Let us acknowledge those feelings and deal with them. Let us not take it out on the people around us just because the feelings are uncomfortable for us. Let us think before we speak and keep our words kind, honest and useful.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

I remember as a young girl hearing "don't look directly at the sun, it will burn your eyes!" Practically, a good piece of advice I guess. Don't wanna scorch our retinas. But interesting how innately, we want put our faces to the light and just be there. Stare at it's magic, feel it's warmth. We want to embrace it and admire it, yet, we learn to be careful, as to not go blind.

Then there is the darkness. Completely opposite of the sparkly luminous light. Darkness, we learn as children, is where bad things happen. Darkness is cold and scary. We have got to keep our eyes wide open in the darkness, struggling to see, for our eyes to adjust, so we can be prepared for the danger that lies lurking in the corner.

As we grow, most of us learn not to be so afraid of the dark, but still, things feel different there.

Well, we are the world and the world is us. We have within us darkness and light. Each of us to varying degrees. Some more Jedi than dark side, some way more Vader. Some of us are aware, we can feel things shift within, when we lean more to one side than the other. We can even feel where you are in your energy. Some of us aren't so aware and just go through our days being taken for a ride, not knowing where we will end up. We all have the capability to be aware, and really to direct, which way we lean. But it takes a little work, a lot of change, and a bunch of acceptance, compassion and grace, for yourself and everyone else.

Although, the thought of becoming a being ablaze with pure clarion light, no darkness anywhere, just shining away, sounds like the goal, I don't think it is. Not yet anyway. We have too much to learn and to share while we are here. The darkness is a wonderful teacher if you let it be, in many different ways. Both the darkness within, and the darkness in others. Because darkness is really only the absence of light. It is not a power it's own, it's a void.

There are a multitude of stories, fables, folktales and even just short quotes on the virtues of darkness and light.

A few of my favorites (although I really have to narrow it down here :))

God did not create evil. Just as darkness is the absence of light, evil is the absence of God.

Albert Einstein

It is not how we live in the light that enlightens us, it is how we live in the dark.

Rune Lazuli

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.

John 1:5

I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your being. Hafiz

It is during our darkest moments, that we must focus to see the light.

Buddha

Light is lovely, it is where we desire to be, what we wish to see, what we need to share. It is the power, and yet, without the twilight, the light would not be as bright and beautiful. It not always easy, to let the murkiness be. We try to push it away. It's uncomfortable and scary. Instead of fearing the darkness, hold space for it. Let the void be there long enough to feel it. Let the anger be there long enough to move past it so you can offer true forgiveness. Let the doubt be there long enough for you to realize there is no need to doubt, that it is all in your mind anyway. That you are powerful beyond measure. Let the fear be there long enough to teach you, fear is an illusion. And then, after your old friend darkness has taught it's lesson, let it go. Move on, into the light where you truly belong... stronger, more open, filled with love and gratitude for the lessons received.

Sometimes there are those that get stuck in darkness, that can move through easily. They want to extinguish your light, or do what they can to at least dim it a bit. It hurts their eyes to see you shine so brilliantly. It makes them angry to know that you were brave enough to walk through the darkness so that you could come into your powerful light. And yet, without a doubt, one of the lessons you learned was to love them anyway. To shine relentlessly, without shame and without guilt, no matter how they try to make you feel. You don't need to try to get them out of where they are. You don't need to try to force their lessons. You don't even need to stick around to share their pain. Bless them. Send your love. Have an open heart. Give compassion and grace. Remember how hard it can be to be there, and gracefully float on.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Ever since my oldest was a year old, I've been cutting labels out of his clothes. He's sensitive to the way things feel (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and labels bother him. Like mamma like son.

Labels bother me too, and not only the paper ones in my t-shirts. We live in a world that has labels sewn in everywhere you go. There are so many. There are even sub-labels..like labels of labels. It's maddening.

I've been noticing the labels more and more, for a few reasons. The main reason being, my strong desire that my boys feel encouraged and supported in being who they are. I want them to feel allowed to shine their light bright without worrying about what label their light might get them.

On and on and on. I'm certain you can add to the list. These labels aren't always meant in a negative way, but really, when you look at it, they ARE always negative.

We are limiting people. We are stifling them. We are judging them. We are making them doubt themselves, their gifts and abilities. We are pigeon holing them. We are caging them. We are telling them...this is who you are...this is what you stand for...this is what you are capable of...this is what is wrong with you...this is why you are different. You can't change. You can't be who you dream of being because you are THIS.

I've been making a real effort to stop myself in thought and especially in word, when I find myself labeling. I don't want to perpetuate those titles, those restraints. I want to encourage. I want to build up. I want to support. I want to heal.

I want you to spread your wings. I want you to feel like you can do anything. I want you to see the gifts you have been blessed with. The very gifts that have likely earned you a label or two. I ask you to grow those gifts, to be filled with joy and gratitude for those gifts. To be proud of the person that you are, all the special qualities that make you, you. Those things that you love about yourself, and the things that disappoint you about yourself. Every single one of those things is meant to teach you, meant to grow you into the amazing spectacular magical being that you are capable of being.

So no more labels. Let's be intentional in making a change, together <3

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Home. What is home, really? Is the structure that you live in home? The place where you shower and sleep when you aren't running around the outside world. Is home the people that live in the structure with you? Your family? When you think of home, do you really think of them? Not so much the place, but the people you share the place with? Is home comfortable? Is it safe? Is it inspiring? Is it nurturing?

In the world right now, there are various types of homes. And there are so many, displaced, forced out, with no place to call home. Where is their home? What does home mean to them?

These thoughts, questions, have been rattling around inside of me for a little bit. With the political climate such as it is, I've been dreaming about what it may be like to call a different place home. I've been researching options, making comparisons, and throwing it out to the Universe. But it's one of those things...once you really start contemplating, your thoughts can go in so many different directions.

I've been finding myself asking, "what is home?"

How do I want to feel at home? How do I hope my family to feel at home?
What do I find are the most important attributes of home?
What do I want to my kids to remember when they think of home?
Is home a forever place, or is it ever changing? Is it a place at all?

One of the directions my thoughts, or more accurately, emotions, have gone, is to feel guilty. To feel like it's unfair that I get to even make these considerations when there are countless people, right this very second, praying for any kind of safe home for themselves and their families. They probably don't really care where it is. They probably don't care what the average temperature is. They aren't looking into what the health insurance options are or the unemployment rate is. They aren't considering how different the educational system might be. They are just praying for safety. For a home where they can walk down the street and not likely be kidnapped or killed. Although my heart breaks for them, I know guilt is not an emotion I want to carry, and therefore, let it go. I acknowledge the hardship those souls are enduring. I do not close my eyes to their pain. I hold a place in my heart for them all. I take measures to contribute to their cause.

The hubs and I have talked a bit and made mention in front of the little dudes, that we may explore certain possibilities. That although not very likely, it is not completely out of the realm of possibility that there could be a move in our future. The house we live in now is the only home my kids have ever known. Their first reaction to the whole thing, especially from my first born, was "no way!" What about their friends? They love our house! What about Grandma and Papa and cousins? Hubs and I remained calm and encouraging and really, without even talking about it first, went down the road of...life is full of possibilities. But those possibilities only manifest if you are open to change. Change offers growth and opportunities you would never know without the catalyst. Life is not certain. Life is not guaranteed. Change may not always be what you think desire, but it is necessary for your evolution, and always for the greater good if you allow it to be. This was huge for Hubs, as he has not been a big fan of change in his lifetime. He grew up with a dad in the Air Force. He moved ALOT. He often resists change now without even realizing it. He likes things status quo. But I think, as he talked with the boys, he started to see a different perspective. He was rallying them, telling them about the times he had to do things that weren't in his plan as a kid because of having to move and change schools and friends, but how those times made him braver, and stronger, and things happened for a reason. He met people that he never would have met otherwise. It wasn't always easy, but it taught him things he needed to learn.

If nothing else came of this whole home change thing, that conversation was it. I want my kids to embrace change. I really do. Until the last few years, I too, was resistant to it. Now that I am not, now that I am open, the world is an entirely new place, with incredibly less fear and anxiety. There is nothing to feel anxious about, when you are willing to go with whatever comes. I want them to see the endless possibilities. To have faith in their ability to handle things as they come. Yes, I want them to feel loved unconditionally. To know without a doubt that mommy and daddy are always here by their sides. I want them to feel rooted so they can then lift their faces to the sky and fly. And I realize now, that in order for them to feel those things, they need to have faith in their own abilities to roll with the punches. Their own strength. Their own power. I want them to be the masters of their own universes, with a little help from us.

I want them to know, wherever they are, they are home.

So there it is. Our home. No matter where it is, or what it looks like, I want it to be the place where we feel nurtured and encouraged enough to be free. For us each to spread our glorious wings. A place where we embrace all the possibilities. A place where each one of us feels completely safe in being who we are, and feels supported in revolutionizing who that might be as we grow. That place is inside. That place is not the house. Not the country. It's in our hearts and souls. Home is inside ourselves.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Do you know what you are meant for? Are you clear on your purpose in this life? Have you discovered that thing, that special magical thing, that you are supposed to be sharing with the rest of us?

There are some of us that know. There are many that think we might know. Some that know but then change our minds because the thing that we feel that we are meant for is too different, too "out there". We decide we need to push that thing aside and strive for more of a successful, responsible, normal grown up thing. And there are some of us, that have no frickin' clue. Some that don't care, some that just can't dig deep enough or get naked enough to find it.

Most kids grow up having ideas about what they want to be. It's likely to change every few years, unless they are super duper passionate about something. I can remember a few of my early childhood "when I grow up" plans. There was the archaeologist, the nun, the teacher, the theologian, the actress and the writer. I had some lofty plans as a youngster! As I look at that list though, I see some ties, a quality or two that those professions, those callings, have in common or that compliment one another. The digger of history and knowledge. Whether it be hidden ancient artifacts or spiritual and religious practices and secrets. The teacher of minds, the caretaker of souls. The one who shares what they know and hopes to ignite a passion, hopes to make a difference.

For a long time, I forgot about those plans I made when I was 8 years old. I forgot about what my soul knew since before I was even born. I started working when I was 15 and just kept going. I went to junior college for a little bit, but soon realized I didn't even need to do that. I decided to work, to have a career, not a calling. To be a good banker, manager, administrator, whatever. To make the money, get the benefits and stock options and win the awards. It went well for over a decade and a half. There is nothing wrong with corporate life, if that is what you are meant for. But when you are climbing the ladder and feel like you are selling your soul, you are probably not doing what you are meant to do.

I forgot what I was meant to do, and I was smack dab in the middle of being a young(ish) married, new mom, homeowner, middle(ish) class member of society. I think most of us feel a bit trapped at that point. You have to work, to make a living, to support the family, the house, the cars, the stuff. You don't have a lot of time then to ponder on your lost purpose. But the time comes, when things get shaken up. Whether it is because of losing a job, or struggling through a difficult relationship, facing some kind of illness or loss. The universe decides it's time for you to remember. It's time to remind you about who you are and why you are here, what you are meant to be doing with your life.

When you poke your head up out of the aftermath, things are different. You are different, but the same. The same person you have always been, REALLY, before all of the masks, and costumes, and charades. And then you remember. Oh yyyyyaaaaaa! I'm here to share. To heal. To uncover. To bring the light!

I'm still working a job. A job that is not my passion. But, I'm also exploring my calling. I'm letting the memories of who I truly am sink in deep. I'm digging, and listening, learning, and teaching, sharing, and healing. I'm shining the light, hoping to make it easier for you to see. I'm discovering long lost truths that I'm compelled to share. I'm listening to nature speak it's healing sounds of nurturing and support. I'm a student and I'm a teacher. I'm healing through intuition, energy, faith and love. I'm bringin' it.

It's never too late to jostle your memory. And I promise, it doesn't hurt that much. It could be a bit uncomfortable, but much less painful then living a life without purpose. It may feel like there are too many obstacles. It might be scary to face change. You might think it's not worth all the hassle. But it is! It's everything. It's the key to who you are, underneath it all. We need you, to be YOU, in all of your magical glory. Because when you are living your purpose you are magical. Like medicine to the soul of the world.

Monday, May 2, 2016

As I talk with people, I notice things about them. I feel and see things, not things that they are necessarily trying to show me or discuss. Sometimes things they would rather me not notice. There are times when I will mention it, and times when I won't. Recently, I've been engaged in a lot of conversations about fear. Fear is a huge topic right? I mean there are so many ways fear manifests and disguises. So many areas of life where fear, in it's different forms, holds people in a prison they are not even aware of. It keeps coming up. People want to talk about it. And I could NOT love that more. I've been saying for a while, we need to expose ourselves to bless ourselves and bless others. We need to stop hiding around the corner, still as a statue, holding our breath, trying not to grab the attention of the boogie man.

I'm a visual person. Thoughts are often like pictures for me. For a while, before these conversations actually started, I was seeing people with boxes on their head as I looked round. Like tall, tan, cardboard boxes, open at the top, but shielding the persons vision on each side. All they could do was look straight ahead with this very narrow tunnel of vision, somewhat dark and crowded. Unable to see or sense what was around them. I wanted to lovingly say to people, "let your box down sweetie...even if it's just a peek over one side. I promise you will be so grateful for what you find." Although I did not speak those words at first, I thought them, and felt them. Then I started letting them come to my lips.

What are we afraid of? What will we see if we look over the side of the box? Are we afraid of what we will find....of the ugly, violent, angry world out there? Are we afraid of "bad" people with "bad" beliefs trying to push their agendas down our throats? Are we maybe afraid of what the people around us will see in our faces if we lower the lid? Will they see the anxiety? Will they see the "sins"? Will they see that we are unworthy and trying our best to pretend to be who they think we are?

Fear. There are too many manifestations to name right? Numerous phobias and disorders all come down to one thing, fear. Fear of something outside of us bringing us harm and/or pain, like a poisonous spider or a mutated germ. Fear that we are not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough. Fear that we can't do it well enough so why even try. Fear that maybe we are unstable. The things we see, or feel just can't be right, because they are different. Fear that we, or people we love might die.

With our current political environment in the U.S. right now, all one needs to do is watch or read news or social media for less than 60 seconds to see the faces upon faces upon faces of fear. You hear people screaming, "Build walls.. bigger, stronger walls! Elect the right president or we are doomed!" Liberals vs Conservatives. Guns vs no guns. Transgender bathrooms vs singular gender bathrooms. All of this looks like anger. Feels like anger. But what is the source of the anger? Fear. Fear that if we don't build the walls "they" will come attack "us". Fear of people, with situations and cultures, and beliefs, that you can't understand. And if it is something other than what you can see and recognize through your shrouded box view, it must be bad. It makes you uncomfortable, so it must be bad. It goes against your religion, and your religion is the only "true" religion, so it must be bad. And if it's bad you need to be afraid of it. You need to stay away from it, or extinguish it. You need to make it go away, so this feeling inside...this scary knot in the stomach feeling will go away too.

I tell my boys, we all get scared sometimes. There are things that we see or hear, or imagine with our beautiful creative imaginations, that can bring the feeling of fear. It's okay to get afraid. We are human (for now) with bodies that have certain physical reactions to perceived danger. Oh did you catch that?...perceived danger. So maybe we change our perceptions. Maybe we change the way we think and the way we come to immediate conclusions about fear and the feelings it brings. Maybe we don't run from fear but let it be there. Give it some space on the couch. Let it know, "I get it, I feel ya, I know you are here. I'm not going to hate you or push you away, but please don't expect much attention because I have far more exciting things to do. And as a matter of fact Fear, sorry to burst your bubble, but I will be doing exactly what it is that you are trying to get me to avoid..because there I find strength and freedom and new insights."

So conversations have been happening in my little part of the world. Just with a few people, here and there. But it's interesting to me. I'm seeing people lower their boxes a little bit. I'm seeing people realize new ways of thinking and perceiving. I'm watching people find freedom that they never understood they could have, and really didn't even know that they were lacking. I'm seeing souls around me opening up, embracing vulnerability, and accepting what is and what will be with so much less fear of the unknown.

There is a shift in the world, a tilt. People are waking up to who they really are. Realizing this human body thing, is a temporary home for the souls that we are eternally. People are shedding their skins, or cocoons, or shells and getting born again. Empowered, hopeful, authentic, real, soulful, mindful, true.

So my lovies, look at yourself from your Self. Do you have the box walls up high and tall? Can you bend one down if you do? Breathe, trust, and go.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Wakey wakey sweet soul. You've had enough sleep...a little too much actually. It's time to wake up. Time to open your eyes.

Awakening. It doesn't seem to happen slowly. Sure, there are stirrings as it begins. Little nudges, like someone or something tapping you on the shoulder to get your attention. But because we live in a world that, over the last century, has decided for the most part, to poo poo the power of intuition, you probably ignore the subtle shoulder tap. You feel it, but disregard it as nothing. If it's your time to awaken though, the tap very quickly becomes much stronger. More like a sharp elbow to the ribs or a karate chop to the back of the head. Less easy to ignore and much more uncomfortable. It's your soul saying "wake the hell up..I don't want to sleep anymore!"

I listened to her last year. I didn't want another blow to the head and I really wanted to see what it was she had to show me. I always knew there was so much more. When I was younger I listened more closely. I think we all do when we are younger. We haven't been programmed to ignore the truth of our soul speaking to us yet. We haven't let the outside world close our eyes yet. It's natural to feel, and listen, to imagine, and to see beyond the veil. Alas, as we age, we deafen our ears, shield our eyes, and harden our hearts. We become busy with the rat race of school, then career, family, life...and don't prioritize from a soul perspective. We begin to believe that those times, when you were younger, when you thought you heard your soul speak, those were just dreams, or the imagination of a child.

So the day comes, when you remember. When somehow, karate chop to the head or otherwise, you wake up.

Holy shit! I remember!! I remember dreams that I've always carried. They never died. I remember who I am, underneath and inside. I remember things I never even "knew". I remember that we are all one. I remember that Mother Earth is gorgeous and magical. That she offers us healing and beauty in such abundance because that is what God made her for. I remember that I have ways of communicating other than speaking and ways of discerning other than making pros and cons lists. I remember that I am a healer, always have been always will be. I see us all again, as so much more than what we look like, or even the things we do.

And with this eyes, heart and mind wide open thing I've got going on, I still live here. I still work here. I am still a mommy and a wife here. Everything is so different, and yet, everything is still the same. How do I go on living like I was before I woke up? Or do I find a new way? Is there a happy medium?

So far, for me, it's a little bit of both. I mean, it's not like I can just lay on my back and float away on the ocean, talking to the wind, and finding magic everywhere. But I can live in this world AND remember the truth. I can do the little things that bring joy to my heart and raise my vibration. I can prioritize with soul in mind, mine and yours. I can still go to work, and to the school volunteer meeting, and stroll the grocery store...all the stuff we do in life, but with a new perspective. With soul eyes open, with a willingness and desire to share the light, whether it be just through a smile, or through some higher form of healing. I can do the laundry and vacuum the floors like I always have, it'll just be with a different mind set than it once was. Probably with a bit more gratitude and a little more awe than it used to be. There are a few things that I've changed. Not eating meat any longer because when I remember we are all one, that includes ALL of us. Taking more time for myself to practice yoga, meditate, hike, and enjoy nature because now I remember how much I missed that connection to the universe and how whole that all makes me feel. I notice myself noticing how intensely I love my tribe, my family and friends. How amazing their little faces are. I recall how much I appreciate the generations that came before me. How much depth and faith and intuition they all carried forward for me, and how I want to carry that on too.

So here I am, awake in a world that is mostly asleep. It's kind of like in the movies when people walk through ghosts and never knew they were there. Like there is this whole other part of reality that is only seen by some. I'll probably get funny looks 'cause I'm shining brightly or a slightly different color. People may say I've changed. I've become a hippy and a tree hugger, all new agey and mystical, gone a little coo coo, lost my faith, lost my marbles. It's probably a little scary from the outside, if you are still looking through the fog. It's okay. We all have our own reality. Yours doesn't have to be like mine. I'll love you either way.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

So there are a couple of things I remind the little dudes of A LOT. One is... it's okay if you are upset, angry, frustrated, whatever, we all have times when those feelings arise. It's part of being alive. It's okay, and I am always here to talk if you are able to communicate your feelings and want to share...AND... do not take it out on the rest of us. Don't do the misery loves company thing. Express how you feel, take time for yourself to chill, or talk to me, or journal, or hit the punching bag, whatever helps. But no being mean to the rest of the world just because you don't feel like being nice due to the fact that something is bothering you. We want to be aware of what we are putting out into this universe. I point out times when it's happening and we observe how the person with the attitude problem is affecting the ones around them. How the energy changes. How the people in the frustrated person's path become agitated. How now, instead of one person being in the dumps there are several. The negativity can permeate the environment and everyone else in it if you share your poison. So together, as a tribe, we try to stay conscious of that.

This morning, right before lunch, as we were on our way to Costco, I pulled over the car. I had woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and was kind of being a jerk. I knew McFlurrys would help but also knew I needed to apologize. I looked at the boys and said, "Guys, I'm sorry. I am angry and frustrated about something, and I have been taking it out on both of you by being short on patience and have not been very kind. My frustration has absolutely nothing to do with anything either of you did. I love you guys so much. Sorry dudes." They were both generous with their "it's okay Mom, love you too"s and we went on with the day. I pulled over and made a deal about it instead of just changing my attitude and going on, because I wanted them to know I knew. I wanted them to remember the moment and hopefully follow suit next time they are the ones in my position.

We all have our good days and not so good days. We have days when it's easy to smile and laugh and we do it often. We have days when we feel good about ourselves and the people we share this life with. Then there are days when we maybe feel sorry for ourselves or find ourselves feeling misunderstood or under appreciated. We dwell on the negative instead of the positive. And it's all part of life and the lessons we need to learn. It's all a chance for growth and self love. Everyday we get to decide how we are going to be in the world. How we are going to feel. What we are going to share. We are responsible for that in every way, no matter what the circumstances.

It's difficult sometimes to stay in the zone when we live in a world in which violence, despair and hatred get most of the publicity. If you aren't careful, you could end up believing the lies. Lies telling us that there is little hope for recovery for this lost world of ours. Lies telling us that there is no reason to keep trying so hard to be kind and to affect positive change because it's futile. That love can not conquer all. That your light can not dispel the darkness. It's not special enough, it's not bright enough, it's not strong enough. Lies telling us, what we do, and how we treat people doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. We are just a speck in this huge world, and what we do, or don't do, doesn't really make much of a difference.

It ALL matters. Every bit of it. It all makes a difference. What I put out into this universe, affects you. My words and actions and especially INTENTIONS, affect you. My energy affects you. My heart affects you. What I teach my kids affects you. If I chose to live in fear and ignorance, that would affect you. If I chose to give up on shining the light, that would affect you.

And guess what...while I hold a place on this earth, in this body, I'll keep trying to be kind. I'll keep teaching my kids how to be responsible and thoughtful of their imprint on the world. I'll keep remembering to love myself so I can love you too. I'll wake up on the wrong side of the bed again, you can bet on that. But I promise you to do my best, to keep an open heart and mind, and to remember every day that the things I do, say, think, and feel affect you.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Will they remember a mommy who stopped what she was doing when they asked for attention? Or, will they remember a mom who had too many distractions to give them the appropriate eye contact?

Will they remember a mom who laughed at their jokes and silly antics? Or will they remember a mom who didn't laugh enough. Taking all the "stuff" in life too seriously.

Will they remember a mommy who glowed? Who smiled a real smile with her eyes and her mouth and her whole face. Or will they remember a mom who too often had a furrowed brow. Who smiled, but didn't shine.

Will they remember cuddling in their beds at night? Talking about the day, saying prayers, getting their backs scratched. Or, will they remember the nights when mom was too tired to chit chat and just wanted them to go to sleep. No patience left for the stories or the requests for their midnight snack and drink.

Will they remember all the heart felt "I LOVE You" s? Could they tell how much she meant it? How her heart wanted to burst at that moment because she was actually really seeing them, and found herself in awe. Or will they remember the times she yelled, and said things that hurt their feelings?

Will they remember a mom who played? Who took them up on their offers to jump on the trampoline, play four square or compete in Mario Kart? Or, will the remember a mom who kept telling them she had things to get done, no time to play?

Will they remember a mommy who would do anything for them? Who gave them the last piece of pizza even if she wanted it. Who drove them all over town to participate in things that interested them, that made them happy and healthy. Singing and rocking out in the car together. Or, a mom who didn't feel like cooking so always ordered pizza? A mom that was always speeding around trying to get from place to place, hauling them all over town to run errands. Yelling at them to stop fighting and just be quiet.

Will they remember a mom that encouraged them? That made them feel smart and strong and special. Who supported them and their own individual talents and gifts. A mom who just KNEW they were rock stars! Or, will they remember a mom who was always frustrated with them, disappointed and let down? Saying nice things but not with sincerity or passion or heart. A mom who didn't understand.

Will they ever ever understand the depth of her absolute devotion to them? Will they ever know, without any doubt, that no matter what they do, she will always, every second, love them with all that she is and ever will be? Will they understand that she is forever their safe haven? A place where they will always be accepted with open arms. Loved, supported, appreciated, and cherished <3

Monday, February 29, 2016

I like things a little bit salty and a little bit sweet. Like dark chocolate covered salted pretzels, ice cream with salted popcorn, or salted caramel. It's the perfect combination and balance. Not sick to your tummy sweetness overload, and not give you a heart attack block of salt. Just right.

I had a realization this morning in the shower as I was washing my hair. A lot of things become so clear to me while I'm in the shower, usually when I'm lathering up the locks. Hmmm interesting...maybe a post for another day. Anyway, as I was scrubbing, I was playing over the events of the last week. Moments that stuck out to me amongst the day to day stuff. That's when the title to this post came to me....as I remembered the way I handled a particularly sticky situation, and realizing how differently I would have addressed it if it would have happened even two year prior. Because two years ago, I was much more salty than I am now. Or, well, there wasn't a harmonious balance between the salty and the sweet. Waaaay more salt lick than cupcake if that makes sense.

The aforementioned sticky situation was a little uncomfortable, but turned out to be a wonderful learning and teaching experience. Learning, because I got to see the changes that I've been making inside show up to the party. Teaching because I was able to demonstrate to my boys how to have a disagreement while still imploring grace and respect. Grace and respect both for the other person/people involved and for myself. I was in a situation where I felt that my integrity was being questioned and I believed I was being treated disrespectfully. My former salt lick self, would have responded with fists up and cannons blasting. I would have made a point to drive home my side of the argument at all costs and made sure that it was understood and agreed with. It wouldn't have been pretty. I would have been fired up, kickin' ass and taking names. Now, don't get me wrong, some fire in the belly, a bit of feistiness, that is still with me, part of who I am, and it's not a bad thing. It's just tempered a bit more now, it's softened, less aggressive. This time I was able to respond to the situation with straight forward honesty (that has never been hard for me), while expressing my discomfort and disappointment gracefully (that's the new part :)). No yelling, arguing or blaming. Just basically " I feel disrespected, this isn't working for me, it feels yucky, and thanks but I'm going my own way." Done. No dwelling, or over thinking. No residual anger or upset.

I, for now, have found a better balance between my salty and sweet. I say for now because we are always changing. I am not any better than my former salty self, just different. I'm not more enlightened than my salty friends or family, just perceiving things in my own way. I'm not stronger than the candy sweet cupcakes out there either. We are all strong in our own ways, and with work and attention, we can build new strengths. I just found myself noticing how differently I react to life now. Why? What has changed? What has enabled me to find a new balance that I wasn't able to find before. What has made it possible for this former type A, perfectionist, control loving Scorpio, to let go a little. To except and embrace NON perfection, and to add some sugary sweetness to the mixture that is me?

Yoga, meditation/prayer, self reflection and self acceptance. Fiiinnnaaally, opening up to my own soul. Living from my heart and soul instead of from my head and ego all the time. Allowing myself to feel uncomfortable things without pushing them away or fighting against them. Giving myself grace and compassion finally allowed me to give the world around me the same thing. Working to find alignment and strength with my physical body, helped me to find alignment and strength with my spiritual body.

If you haven't given yourself the time to learn to just be in stillness, I encourage you to do so. You will be amazed at who you find inside the quiet <3

Makes my heart happy that you stopped by. I hope you find something that speaks to you here. Something that talks to your heart and resonates with your soul. I hope you will find a little encouragement, a lot of truth, some strength in knowing you aren't alone and never will be.You may also enjoy some occasional cussing, and a giggle here or there.
With love, Trisha