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A size 10 blonde from Southend-on-Sea has come forward in a fetching and diminutive halterneck swimsuit to go public with her views on the unusually warm bank holiday weekend. ‘It’s really hot,’ announced Courtney Jones, 19, 36D. ‘Last time it was this hot was like last summer when I went on holiday to Mykonos and me and Jade went on this mega booze boat where they made you down tequila shots for breakfast and then ride a banana boat topless and Melissa pulled that bloke who smelled like soup. It’s like… so hot.’

As the sun glistened on her lightly oiled sun-kissed skin, Courtney considered whether this abnormally warm Easter may be linked to environmental factors such as glacial recession and if we as a species should take greater heed of the significant paleoclimatological concerns about projected rises in the Earth’s near surface air temperature throughout the 21st Century. ‘Nah. It’s just really hot,’ opined Courtney, delicately rearranging the rear of her swimsuit as she apologised for her ‘hungry bum’.

A professor of meteorology who happened to be sunbathing nearby offered his services for interview, but was told that the reporter had everything he needed and was further advised to immediately seek the dictionary definition of ‘back, sack ‘n’ crack’.

When pressed further on her plans for the remainder of the Spring break, Ms Jones detailed her plans for ensuring an even and strapless tan, determined to escape the perils of ‘tits like a pair of headlights’. ‘But then it’s the Royal wedding next weekend and me and the girls are going up to London and we’ll like camp the night outside the church so we can see Kate’s dress,’ revealed Courtney, denying strenuous suggestions from Jade that ‘you just want to give Prince William one, oh God, you so do, don’t you dare deny it you lying cow’.

‘I bet her dress will be like, so gorgeous, like Karen Millen or something. Of course, there will be the question lingering throughout the day of whether an outdated and oligarchic institution like the constitutional monarchy truly has a valid contribution to make to 21st Century Britain, but I think it’s important to celebrate the nuptials of a young couple in love,’ added Courtney. ‘But seriously though. I hope it’s like, well hot.’