Apparently Charlie Sheen is Winning

When we last left Charlie Sheen he was not only claiming to be clean and sober, but hooked on a drug so powerful “if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body,” The name of that drug? Charlie Sheen. Snort forward to today where he’s given even more entirely sane interviews to RadarOnline and The Today Show that were virtually the equivalent of giving a six-year-old 12 shots of espresso then asking what he wants for Christmas. For brevity and my own sanity’s sake, I’m holding off on the 20/20 interview until it airs tomorrow night, but here are some choice quotes from the other two:

- TODAY -

On Alcoholics Anonymous:
“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path, because it was written nice. It was written for normal people, people that aren’t special. People that don’t have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA.”

On how special he is:
“I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitching, a total fricking rock star from Mars, and people can’t figure me out; they can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain.”

On his children reading about his exploits:
“Talk about an education. That’s the guy, and he’s our dad, and we can get all the answers and the truth? Wow, winning. That’s how you perceive it.”

On suing CBS if they don’t hire him back at $3 million per episode plus a $20 million signing bonus:
“They picked a fight with a warlock.”

- RadarOnline -

On his dad comparing his addiction to cancer:
“Okay, Pop walk through a cancer ward right now and find any of those motherfuckers who look like me.”

On the cast and crew of Two and a Half Men losing work:
“Well, I feel bad but it’s not my fault so I’m not going to make any apologies.”

On CBS citing his conduct and condition for canceling the show:
“My conduct is bitchin’, my condition is perfect so… I don’t know what they’re talking about.”

On what he’ll do next:
“The five films I’ve been offered in the last like 8 minutes. I could entertain the 14 book deals I’ve got sitting on the table. I’m not going to be sitting around.”

Following his interview with Today, Charlie agreed to a live stream with TMZ this afternoon that resulted in his publicist quitting immediately after it ended. Which is understandable when your client sits in a house full of porn stars, points out his children are in said house and then proceeds to say, “Everyone here is parenting the kids.” (Actual quote.) So on that note, it’s really just a matter of time until we get to see child services chase a man who’s attempting to shoot fire out of his fists. “This always worked on Mars. What gives?”