Tonight I was back in the ravine, tumbling down the river, too cold to feel wet, too frightened to feel pain, fighting for breath, knowing I had to call on the mercy of God, aloud, without faltering in word and in faith. But knowing that to open my mouth was a certain death. I heard the beginning of a scream, felt it collecting at the base of my throat. Then mercifully the light came on and Rubiah was shaking me awake, asking if I was all right, asking over and over: What's happening to you? What's happening to you? The one question I can't answer, the one question that even in broad daylight has the power to hurl me back into a ravine of my own private hell, into the black, merciless waters of self-pity.

I couldn't sleep after that. I came here to the study, to spend the rest of the night. Cruel. That was cruel. Rubiah was concerned, frightened. I could, should have said something, but all I wanted was to be alone - . Why can't I be honest even in my most secret thoughts? Let me say it. Honestly. Just this once. All I wanted was to get away from her.