Dear Wendy Updates: “Down On Dibs” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Down on Dibs,” whose close friend called dibs on a guy they were both interested in. She said that her friend introduced her to the guy, and that she felt immediate chemistry with him and he made it clear he was interested in her, but that her friend told her she’d be furious if she pursued him. Oh, and these are 30-year-olds we’re talking about here. So, did Down on Dibs go against her friend’s wishes and pursue the guy? Is she dating him now? Is her friend talking to her? Find out all after the jump.

Thanks for your great advice (and the helpful comments) this spring, and I have an update on where things stand with me, the boy, and the friend who called “dibs.” I decided to hedge my bets somewhat and go out with Joe a couple of times before broaching the subject again with my friend, who I’ll call “Jane.” I wanted to see if we were actually compatible, and if we didn’t hit it off, it would save us both trouble just to forget the whole thing. We went on a few dates, and had a great time, so I steeled myself and talked to my friend. I was prepared to talk the whole situation through with her if she wanted, explain my interest in Joe, and hopefully get her grudging acceptance.

I literally only got as far as “Joe asked me to go to drinks with him later this week, and I think I’m going to go…” before she had a complete meltdown. A crying in the bathroom, demanding other friends denounce me as the devil style meltdown. She asked me never to speak to her again, briefly stopped speaking to a mutual friend who tried to defend me, and has been absent from my life since. And frankly, I’m relieved! Joe and I dated casually for a few months but while we enjoyed each other’s company, it never really turned in to anything. Early in the summer, we decided to stop seeing each other romantically, but we have remained friendly. I have respected Jane’s wishes and not attempted to contact her, but tried to keep the door open by not speaking out of frustration about her to our mutual friends or to Joe. I haven’t heard from Jane since, but I know she continues to be friends with Joe as though nothing happened.

Recently — as in, August— I was invited to a small get-together with a group of women, and the host made a point to tell me that she had talked to Jane and made her promise that she would “behave” if I was there. It took some time to process how I felt about hearing that; I have been angry and hurt at the hypocrisy (Jane twice made out with my ex boyfriend – with my blessing), the selfishness (Jane has always struggled with putting the happiness of others, including her family and closest friends, ahead of her own), and the vanity (I know Jane believes she’s more attractive than me, and was surprised Joe was interested in me at all.) But eventually I settled on feeling sorry for Jane. She’s clearly unhappy, and determined to hold on to the things that make her that way. It took a major event like this one to realize I had outgrown our friendship some time ago, and the most I could do for her was wish her the best and spend my time with people who are in a better place.

Thanks, keep up the good work!

Good for you! It’s sounds like you’ve really taken the high road in this situation and are better off because of it. Friends like Jane are friends you don’t need! Sorry things didn’t work out with the guy, but at least now you’re spared all the drama you’d probably have to endure if you were still on good terms (i.e., “her” terms) with Jane.

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