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Topic: Wedding a few years later questions (Read 17900 times)

The only way I would be supportive of a big party following a religious ceremony a while after the legal ceremony would be if one or both of the couple are military and were unexpectedly about to deploy. However, in that situation I wouldn't give additional gifts nor would I attend any showers or bachelor/bachelorette parties.

My dearest friend had a simple civil ceremony several months before her big church wedding celebration. I was her witness/matron of honor in both. The church wedding was the more public celebration with guests, reception, etc. while the civil ceremony was a small affair with dinner afterwards.

I guess you could say she had a bachelorette party before both of them-- they were just more of a fun girls' night out for all of us; not really a 'look at meeeee' spectacle. This friend has always been a 'share my joy and I'll share yours' kind of person who will celebrate anything at the drop of a hat.

Gifts were all given at the time of the big celebration. I was the only person who gave a gift at both. Actually my gift at the time of the legal ceremony was just a personal gift from me to her, not to her-and-DH. Pretty much everyone questioned why I was giving a gift then since the 'real wedding' was to be later, so there clearly wasn't an expectation of gifts for both occasions. I just wanted to take the opportunity to get something special for her.

One of my family members is already married, had 2 receptions (one thrown by my family and one by the married in members family) - they are throwing another one to celebrate their churchs blessing of their marriage. It's white dress, everything like a new marriage. Bachelorette/Bachelor parties, showers etc.

My question is do I buy gifts? I've already done the whole thing once, so I'm confused if I'm supposed to now. It's unlikely that I'm going to the ceremony, reception or any of the parties since I'm very long distance, but I have no idea the protocol on all this.

That's utterly ridiculous. I usually shy away from thinking or labelling someone as a 'gimme pig' or assume that they're having an event primarily to get gifts, but this is one of those rare instances where I think the label fits. And anyway, how can a married person (still) be a bachelor?

In answer to your question, no, I wouldn't send a gift or a card. I doubt I'd even acknowledge it any way to be frank. These people seem rather self absorbed and I can't stomach that.

Even if you are invited to a reception or a party, you already gave a gift. Wedding receptions are a party thrown by the couple inviting their friends and family to celebrate, not give a gift. It would be like me throwing a Super Bowl party and expecting my friends to bring me a gift. Or if I invite my friends over to play cards to expect a bottle of wine. NO! If you are my guest, then you are my guest. Since presents for a wedding is a custom, then you've already met that tradition the first time and then again with the honeymoon. If the couple gets upset that guests don't "give" again, then these are people of whom you know where you stand.

Sounds like this couple want to have their cake and eat it too. They want the benefits (legal or otherwise) of being married earlier than intended (for whatever reason). But they also want the trappings and attention of a BWW years down the track!

Personally, I'd just send them a nice card, but no gift. I also would not attend any of the "bachelor/ette" type parties.

If you have already given a gift(s) in celebration of their marriage, you are in no way obligated to give them another gift for this shindig. If you are so inclined, sending a note or card would be fine. I wouldn't, personally, because I'd have a hard time not being snarky. No way would I send a wedding themed card - it'd be a 'vow renewal' card, which might ruffle feathers even more than not sending anything but a declining RSVP.

And even if going to this shindig were possible logistically, I still wouldn't go.

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After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice: If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.

Were you invited to both ceremonies? My understanding is that a CEREMONY carries a gift obligation - not a reception. And the first wedding was JOP with no guests? And you gave gifts anyway? That's nice of you, but I'd say you're done. Just send a card.

I disagree--it's not the ceremony, it's the life event.

and the reason you're only obligated if you're invited to the ceremony is because you're only really obligated if you're truly close; not being invited to the ceremony is an indication that you're not truly close. And so if you -get- an invite to the ceremony, that means they think you are close; accepting an invitation to a ceremony means -you- think you are close.

You are under no obligation to send a gift to this "wedding" (I'm using quotes because they already had their wedding when the JOP married them).

I don't even believe in vow renewals (personal opinion). When DH and I were married 25 years someone asked if we were going to renew our vows. My response was "I meant my vows the first time I said them. Why do I have to do it again?".

I don't know their denominational background, but for my branch a validation of a marriage does NOT include bachelor parties, showers, etc.

This. If you want to say that your wedding is because of a spiritual imperative, including a stripper evening does not strengthen your position.

I do think the couple is being ridiculous, but FYI, there are lots of bachelor/ette parties that do not include strippers!

True. I was using it figuratively.

As others have said, if you are not a bachelor/bachelorette, going out and pretending to be one for an evening (whether involving raunchy entertainment or otherwise) isn't really appropriate, particularly if you already had such a party at the appropriate time.

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

If it wasn't for the bachelor/ette party and shower I might have given them a pass.We don't know the background, it's possible that they had, for whatever legal reason, to get 'legally' married years ago, but they sure didn't want to showcase it (not inviting people), maybe the two parties where sprung on them by their family and that's not what they wanted in term of celebrating.Maybe they've finally saved enough now to have their BWW and also want to be 'church' married...

Anyway, as an invitation is not a summon, a gift isn't compulsory either.You can put the accent on the religious part if you share their faith, just send a card or some sort of acknowledgment.