Gonzaga's Blog for Entertainment, interviews, and everything else.

Yak Attack – Summer 2015

The app Yik Yak is an anonymous feed where people can say whatever they want, which can prompt some inappropriate, weird, and sometimes downright stupid content. Yik Yak also uses location services on your phone, so the Yaks you see are guaranteed to be from people in your area. This is my response.

1. “For erectile dysfunction take this pill. If erections last for more than 4 hours, call more ladies.”

I’m starting to think that this guy isn’t a doctor. I would definitely advise not taking that pill. I also don’t think calling ladies is a prescription that a real doctor would hand out. Then again, I’m not a doctor either so I guess it’s really 50/50.

2. “Chasing tequila with country gravy because it’s all you have in the fridge…”

Ah yes, the breakfast of champions. I’m a little curious as to why the only thing you have in the fridge is country gravy. You intrigue me. You live an interesting and exciting lifestyle, my friend.

3. “How come every time I’m out alone I get hit on hardcore but when I’m with my bestie it’s like I’m not even there ._.”

I’m sure that really happens. I’m positive that every single time you go out alone you get hit on “hardcore” and when your friend is with you that just magically stops. This obviously isn’t a transparent attempt at humblebragging.

4. “My boyfriend just texted me saying, “I’m stormtroopers drunk”…”

You’re so drunk you can’t shoot a target that’s only a few yards away? You’re so drunk that if somebody tells you those aren’t the droids you’re looking for you just accept it and move on? You’re so drunk that you think wearing all white everything is a good look? In any case, I think there’s real merit to a Star Wars ranking system for drunkenness. Maybe from Obi Wan to Jabba The Hutt? I’ll work on it.

5. “My AC is so cold that I need to find a cuddle buddy [smug looking emoji]”

I’m not sure why, but this Yak makes me angry. Maybe it’s because it embodies everything I hate about Yik Yak. The poster says something unoriginal and thinks they’re clever? Check. Mention of cuddling? Check. That stupid emoji with the half smile and shifty eyes that look like they have a terrible secret deep within them? Check. Is the author of this yak really so desperate for human contact that they feel the need to broadcast their loneliness to an anonymous app? What did they expect to get out of this post?

6. “Any real vampires who are willing to change me?”

You want to become a bloodsucking monster? You should try becoming a lawyer! Zing! Wow! See, not all of my responses are angry! We have fun here.

That’s all the Yik Yak I can handle for today. I’m going to go look at baby animals on the Internet to restore my faith in humanity.