The Absolute Weirdest Shit on the Internet

The Weirdest Things this Series of Tubes has to Offer

Spend 80% of your free time online like I do, and you’re bound to end up in the infamous “weird part of the internet.” Here are the strangest Youtube videos, webcomics, websites, video games, and bands I’ve found online so far:

Youtube Videos

Wendy is an animator. I don’t know anything else about her except that she has a talent for making very strange video clips. Most are animations, whose movements and features put them at the very lowest point of the uncanny valley. That is the area where something is so close to being human yet not that it becomes disturbing. These animation, when paired with the strangest and most nonsensical music, makes these videos so WTF inducing.

This is adult dolly dressup.wmv. Humanoid woman dancing(?) while weird music plays

Cats with strange textures run in place while computerized japanese voice sings “meow”

Horse has seizure on top of man in windows screensaver/ sex doll deflates

Honorable mentions: Alex Kovas, Million Dollar Extreme, King of the Hill YTP, any Japanese commercial

Webcomics

Joan Cornella is a spanish artist who has recently gained a notoriety after several of her comics went gone viral. Her comics are full of bizarre circumstances, abnormal logic, gratuitous violence and pink cum monsters.

Here’s my thought process through most of these: OK, I’ll make sense of this one, wait theres a twist.. wait what? Why the hell is he smiling???? WHAT??

Websites

This is Subculture.com. Click on the title of the page and a web page will pop up. It rapidly flashes strange images while it plays glitchy music and old sound bites. The picture changes when you click on it, or you can wait until it changes on its own. The images and animations range from flashing pop-up ads to disturbing hostage images. Counterculture.com might be a more fitting name. That, or WhatTheFuckingShitIsThis.com

Here are screencaps of just a few images which pop up.

It’s pretty much just the video from The Ring + Adult Swim bumps made to give you an epileptic seizure.

Games

I’ve played my share of very strange indie games, but all these games are designed to be WEIRD on purpose. That’s why I chose The You Testament. This game is a Christian based game. Sort of. It was made by a sole game developer MDickie. MDickie is known for his wrestling games, but he wanted to take a break from the violence to help promote Christianity. Although impressive for one guy, the graphics and controls are hilariously bad.

The point of the game is to follow Jesus around, listen to him talk, and avoid getting crucified until the game is over. Also, you occasionally lose control of your character and watch him beat random people up, then hug them, then fall to the ground crying. The first weird thing about the game is that the default gore setting is ‘extreme’. The next strange thing is the choice of quotes for the loading screen. One would think these quotes would be from the Bible, but instead they’re quotes from the likes of Spider Man, and Eminem. Despite the occasional random bloody brawl, the first 20 minutes of the game seems normal. But as you progress, Jesus starts saying some pretty strange things. Bible verses are still cited in these cutscenes, but even a non Christian would know that this stuff straight up isn’t in the Bible.

Third eye? Prana? This is blasphemy!

Jesus then teaches you about chakras and how to levitate while meditating. I started getting really confused. Is MDickie trolling or is this sort of dyslexia which causes him to get different religions mixed up?

I don’t know what made me play this game for more than 5 minutes, but I played all day just to try and make sense of this thing. I’m glad I did because the conclusion is quite interesting. At the end of the game, Jesus takes you up a mountain and reveals the secret of life, which is……

… the world is really in wireframe mode? Okay.

After reading this quote from the developer, I started making sense of the whole thing.

“I’ve always been fascinated with the idea of games as a metaphor for the relationship between body and soul, and this is the most overt exploration of that yet. As your 3D character struggles to make sense of his existence, you might just come to make sense of your own…”

Here’s what I take away from what MDickie is trying to portray through this game. By using the game as a metaphor, he is making God a game developer rather than a watchmaker. He developed the game, just as God made earth, but covers up his involvement with textures. What the character saw before Jesus’ revelation is how humans see the real world filtered by our sensory input, or phaneron. Take this away, and we see what the world really is, the world as God really designed it, a watch without it’s face.

If you don’t want to play the game for philosophical reasons, you can just do the fun thing: make your name a profanity and lol when Jesus calls you a cunt.

Music

Caroliner

If you find artists like Aphex Twin or Bjork to be “weird” artists, here’s a band that should put things in perspective. The band began in San Francisco in the early 80’s and its genre is described as industrial bluegrass–experimental–noiseconceptual art. Its members are only known by their stage names; Obsidian Skeleton, The Sickwood Adventure, and Cottypearile Weddingforke.

Caroliner is a somewhat normal name for a band (compared to names like “Red Jumpsuit Apparatus” or “Aborted Hitler Cock”), but the name Caroliner gets a different extension with every album. In 1985, with their album “Rear End Hernia Puppet Show,” their name was “Caroliner Rainbow Hernia Milk Queen” and in for their ‘98 album “Lower Intestinal Clocks b/w Gut”, their name changed to “Caroliner Rainbow Stand Still or Fight Beans and Sunstroke.” The way they sell their albums is even weirder. They only sell in vinyl, and every album cover is handmade from things ranging from used diaper bags, to pizza boxes.

Their music is written and performed from the perspective of a fictional bull named Caroliner, and what it was like for that bull living in the 1800s. The lyrics, however, have nothing to do with bull life, the only vocals I could make out are distorted wines which might very well be a poorly played violin for all I know. Their music is just a bunch of noises. But then again so is every band whose genre is over 5 words long. I don’t know why but their music makes me feel uneasy, scared, like I’m having deja vu from a nightmare. One music reviewer describes it as “…the sound of atrophy, the noise of salvation and damnation’s collision in a parallel dimension to purgatory.” That might sound like hyperbole, but it’s not.

Their live performances are even weirder. They have colorful, elaborate sets, they wear strange costumes, and use a lot of glow in the dark paint. The only way to describe thse performances would be; a nightmare scene in Pee-Wee’s Playhouse played in reverse, saturized and watched while on acid.

I usually hate pop music, but after listening to Caroliner for too long, a Justin Bieber music video might do me good.

Fun Fact: I learned about this band through a Fox News show host. Not all conservatives are squares!