Well tomorrow is supposed to be the day I take my blogging break, but thanks to Austin (who practically begged me not to), I'll just be posting less, but not taking a lengthy break. But ahhh, I'm tired. So tired.

I suppose things have been heavy on my mind about things outta my control. I return to work two weeks. There's mixed emotions about that. Not sure whether the time off was well spent. I mean I did heal, but there is so much more I should have done, could have done. Hm. Shoulda, coulda, woulda right? Story of my life, heh heh.

Moreover, I'm still deeply troubled over the situation that happened last week between, I guess now, a former friend, and I. When the situation went down, I let the person know how truly humbled and sorry I was. They wrote me back and said not to worry about anything, but I know for a fact the situation has not been forgiven. Don't wanna go into tremendous details, but the gist is I have it when I have people upset me. Call it old issues. I like to have peace in my life where I can, and when people are angry or upset with me, I will try my best to resolve matters. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out. Now for the person in question, I suppose something simple and seeming innocent hurt enough to cause the backlash I received, and it is cutting me like a knife, but that is a harsh lesson I have to learn. Not everyone in life is going to like you, love you, or even support you.

Easy to write, less to take to heart.

I'm feeling troubled in my spirit, vulnerable. Not like i can do anything except let go, but you know I wish things were different. At my wonderful stage in life I do try to hold on dear and steadfast to the little I have. Letting go ain't easy, but I still ahve dignity and I will not beg. The old saying I can muster with full conviction is "Forgiveness is not about the forgiven." So true. When we have the ability to forgive, the true blessing is not on the person receiving the forgiveness, but on ourselves. When we let go of the hurt, anguish, anger, blah blah blah, the Universe then in turn allows our spirit to bloom, transcend into something else. Someone better.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

It astonishes me, really, how reserved I can be sometimes. Or at least, I should say, how much I pretend to be "hip" with things folks do, that is certainly not in my nature. Hmm. Bear with me as I ramble. It's the wee hours of the morning and I got woken up, still sleepy.

I dunno. Phone sex, camming, all those things I normal would keep private, seem to be prevalent with folks these days. I guess I'm too old school, too modest, but I prefer to have my encounters up close and personal, not on the phone. To me it just makes me more in the "amorous mood" and without you here, and I have is myself (quite boring)!

Corey shared with me a lil tip the other week to remember these folks are not my peers, don't think of them as such, but I must admit I stand mystified and in awe. Shocked, yet titillated be the freedom of expression people have. I doubt you will ever be seeing Ian in the all-together on the 'Net (Lord, let's hope not). I do appreciate those who do however. I just wonder how do you get the balls to put yourself out for public display?

Perhaps, I'm too hung up on shit. Then again, I'm almost 40 and we all know I have my issues...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I can't always tell when I've been online too long by my mood. LOL. Naw, I'm good. Getting ready for bed soon. Looking forward to taking a break from blogging in September.

My goal is not to go near any of my blogs and I'm making arrangements so things will continue on in my absence. Wow. I'm really stepping down from it. Hard to believe, but real life comes before dreams. My goals for my projects with happen, just in the time table I forsee. S'OK. Rome was created over centuries, not months. The day will come.

So much to wrap up in twelve days...Wow. I'm stressing, but feeling the burn. Ha! Go Go Go!

Friday, August 14, 2009

I realize my recent shenanigans are probably pissing everyone off to the extreme. For that I do humbly apologize. Hey, I told y'all recently I have mental health issues and I do run hot/cold with my emotions. Do cut me some slack.

Fear not though, Corey sat me down and whipped my ass into shape this morning. He pulled me aside, listened to my concerns,took the time to hear me vent, then LOVINGLY, read me the riot act. Told me my behavior lately has not been CUTE by any means. Hmph. See? Isn't that what big brothers are for. Of course, in the end he gave me so much praise and reassurance, I was humbled into embarrassment over my tirades. So I promise to be bettah!

I'll post more in a bit on what's been going down, but right now I'm working on my posts for [M.A.L.E.] and trying to get them proofread by my compatriot for publication. Got one more to write before the two will be ready for viewing. The others I will complete over the course of the weekend.

So, to my brothers, who care and always check in on me, Corey, Viktor, Hector, Thomas, David, Toddy, Kishna, and Jimmy...thanks for being patient with me. Promise I'm reigning my bull-shiggety in SOOOOOON!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

So old boy was gonna go out to the bar, but alas, no one is around to be my designated driver. Hmph! I suppose this means most folks have lives huh? Heh heh. Not to worry though. I alwasy have alcohol in the pantry and have cracked open a bottle of White Zinfandel. Yum. Nothing better to do on a dull Thursday evening. Oh I could be working on my writing assignment, but nah. That's too much like real work.

So how are all you? I hope you guys taking the time to read my words are all doing fine. Thanks to my bestests buds out there who left messages of encouragement. I'm still not in a good place, but such is my cross to bare, and without burdening all my woes on you, I shall keep quiet. After this, I'll finish my third glass of wine, then I think it's an early evening. Tomorrow I might actually do something productive. Walk amongst the Children of the Q. But I'm not going to any lame ass bars around here. I think I might make a quick jaunt home to the Love City, crash over night at a friends, and then creep back sometime Saturday.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

OK, I've recovered from my rant from earlier. Some. But in my tirade I also discovered a little something about myself, truthfully so... I am so not prepared for life. Sure I fumble around, do my best, but I've been fucking up too much lately for my own self-satisfaction.

I'm not happy about it. Been trying to put the good face on, tell myself it's all gonna be alright, listen to the reasonable voices in my life say the same, but really? Really? Ugh.

No, I'm not depressed or feeling sorry for myself. Just admitting facts. In an interpretive moment. Reflective....Dudes, I got skewed somewhere in life and been playing catch up ever since. Been disappointed by a few souls I thought were kind individuals; some who show their true colors when called upon. I feel you. Know your number now. No hate. Just don't look for me to worship at your feet again anytime soon. The truth hurts. You, nor I, are Superman. Take off your "S" brother, and come join the rest of humanity.

Men disappoint me so. Perhaps I just disappoint myself. And before I have a Halle Berry moment, say something I might regret later on the status of my black gay brothers, I will shut up. Just know I feel confused and disillusioned in so many ways by you. Especially those of you who think because you're beautiful and perfect, that er'rybody needs to be humbled in your presence. Do you really have that much disdain for me? Really? SMH. Regardless what you think, I am no less of a man than you because how I look or think or emote. No less. But you keep telling yourself that I am. Just do that. If it truly makes you happy...

I would hope I would treat all my brothers withdignity and respect,love them for who they aretreasure them for all the things they are not

If u was just phineI would hope u would conduct yo'self in a waythat brought pride and adulation on your foreparentsnot tarnish or sully their name

See,a real sexy manrespects that some men are differentdiffent sizes and shapeshues and shadesthat some have issuesthat run deep as the Mississippiif onlyyou was that person,but you're not!

Walk a mile in another man's shoesthat's what I was always toldbut there a momentswhen I despise this niggas, nikkas, and whatevah thuginappropriate name they wanna subscribe tooand yes you homo faggots boys,most especially you

Why you always gotta be truning your nose up in tha airactin' as if I am shit beneath your toeswhy you act like you never had a mamateach you better 'an thatYou know you grandmama would be shaking her headShe accepted your ass.so why you can except me?Oh I forgot,God gave you a lil more extra than me.Gotcha.

Yeah fuckas,I'm big, fat, a bitch sometimesbut I'm still a person,why can you be real wit yo'self?For real, for real?See listen baby boyyour big dig is just thatthem curves you got accentuating your frameain't shit if you don't have brains in between yo ears.

Oh wait,but you think you do.My bad.OK, maybe you can articulate a sentence or two,word!But you are arrogant.Stuck upconceitedfull of yo'selfMr. Self Potification at your damn bestand while others will bow downworship at the font of your gloryI chose to stand apartkiss my mutha fuckin' assLike B says...Bitch Boo Bye.

I invest no more time in younone.See, spent my whole life feelin' frustratedcause I wasn't like youwhether cause I was thickor cause God BLESSED me with love for a manthere was always sumthin.But now,I realize y'all just some tiredweak-minded individualsand your look ain't gonna last foreverUh uhntand somedaysome man gon' look atchuthe same way you look at meand I wanna be therestanding in the wingslaughin my muthafuckin' faggot assat your embarrassment

BitchYou done piss'd me off for the last timenow stepgit goneI got better people to lovebetter men to respectstarting with myselfOle Ian's gonna just fine...

It's an "Alexander" day y'all so I'm not feelin' in the best of moods this afternoon. I'm rather pissed off and grumpy. Tryna hold it together for this blog post, but it's difficult. If you forget the reference, Alexander refers to the book, Alexander And the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. And, again, Alexander is one of my middle names, which I don't particularly care for... so when I'm being Mr. Pissy, I'll refer to myself as Alexander.

Simple shit pisses me off and in my current state of being I really to read the riot act to anyone who have a thing or two to try and school me. I'm just not in the mood to be happy and am disappointed. Period. What started of the morning? Well, as you know I went to Philly last night and took loads of pictures. I was gonna up load these this morning to Facebook, but my cheap ass camera wouldn't recognize the photos on the card for some reason. So I attempted to transfer the photos from the memory card and in the process managed to delete them all. I was heartbroken. I mean I actually broke down and cried in a hissy fit. Stupid I know, but I haven't been blogging about what's been going on internally lately (and I'm not gonna).

As much as Ian has attempted to put on the good face and keep a positive attitude, Lord knows I try not to be jealous or envious of others and try my hardest to be appreciative of what I have. Mostly lately though I feel if things are constantly being taken from me (I have the long laundry list going...no need for telling here). I'm beyond frustration and just plain fucking ass tired. TIRED. Tired in the sense that if you know the reference, like how old folks say it and mean it before they go home to glory. Hmph. As if glory is waiting for me on the other side, but that's another post.

So to continue with my rotten attitude today, I had to unfollow one or two people on twitter (for various reasons) and I'm about to unfriend one or two on Facebook. Actually, I wanna in a fit, just delete all my social networking (Didn't I just go through this earlier this year?!?!) and go live in some place without people or the fucking Internet. People are cruel, mean, abusive, and users. Unfortunately, I deluded myself into thinking one of my so-called close associates was a friend, but to the contrary, that person's true nature is just another in the roster of people taking advantage of my kindness and naivety. Ian is sick of it.

So, if you've read this far, you're probably thinking I didn't take my meds today, right? Well I did, but i'm just frustrated with my station in life and all the goddamn challenges I've tried to overcome and has blow up backin my face. I'm disgusted and a hair short of throwing in the towel. I'm only blogging about it because possibly by venting it'll make me feel better, but I doubt. I think my circumstances in life are too far gone really for Ian here to ever feel a permanent sense of security or comfort. I didn't get schooled enough in the virtues and ideal of true manhood so perhaps my childlike behavior is my penance to bear. Who knows? I'm just friggin caught and i fear those changes I try to project are all lies and don't exist after all.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Last night/early this morning I was sleeping soundly when the Sandman paid me a visit with a host of dreams, nightmares really, which I am searching for meaning in the waking zone. Strange and curious.

Be advised, this is slightly graphic and distrubing. I'm toning the content down to some degree, only because as I'm shaking off sleep, the dreams are fading. But I'm curious? What is the meaning?

Big Brother Corey? You're the expert in my life on dream analysis and interpretation since my Grandmama has departed this Earth. Got any insights? Read on:

Rarely do I dream in color. That right there is telling. From what I know, most folks dream in black and white. I dream in both spectrum's. Now from what I can remember, the dream was divided into two parts. The setting was was in a chamber, perhaps a prison, basement, parking garage type area. Not much light, very industrial. Those of you familiar with Gary Heidnik, think of his setting. I was with a group of men, all Black or Latino, nondescript on sexuality, and we were fighting in some type of gang related beef. Guns blazing, shoots were being fired left and right. I could hear the guns, see the bullet holes in the walls. Through those holes, I could see rays of sunlight.

Not sure of the time of year, but it must have been warmer. Anyway, in order to escape the war, several of us choose these "chambers" or in-ground pits, bunkers within this bunker setting, to survive. I vividly and clearly saw men jumping in this concrete areas two men at a time, some clothed, some in tatters, to escape the onslaught. The last bunker was someone I knew, but I now cannot place his face. I jumped in with him and pulled the trap door closed over our heads. I knew a feeling of safety, comfort. The next scene was of some man, this time not of any particular ethnic origin, but known to us all, rescuing the survivors. He was someone in authority, but not necessarily a police officer....

Part two is where it gets strange and scary. The setting has changed. The spectrum changed to color. I'm not sure of the locale. Perhaps a college quad style dormitory room, perhaps a sanitarium? Perhaps a camp dorm...something with a common room area. Now I said sanitarium earlier because of this. There was a man in a closet who was bound and chained, the picture and thought lead me to believe he was Charles Manson (What the Fuck?!?!?) and he professed to be Jesus. He kept spouting scriptures and gospel. Salvation and encouraged the men in this area to believe and follow him? I remember there was some kind of alter in the front of the room. Not sure what the purpose was for the altar, but it was there. This seemed spurn Manson/Jesus to rattle off more dogma. He tried to convince us he was our friend.

Now this is interesting part.

At some point, "the guards" brought food to Manson/Jesus and had to be unchained. I don't remember what happened to the guards, but then the Mason person got loose from the closet/holding area and began killing the people in the room. I knew in my dream I was sleeping, could hear myself snoring, but I know that also in the dream I was asleep and felt him upon me, take a knife, and slit my throat. I perceived the blood. In the dream, I awoke from the dream to see the Mason-character killing another person by stabbing them and then placing their bloody mangled body into a closet. The blood was crimson and bright. After doing this, the Mason-man came back to check to see if he I was dead, and I recall feigning sleep as I was still bleeding, but not dead. That's when I awoke. It's was about 3:40 AM.

Weird, huh? Now I know enough about dream analysis and interpretation that nothing is ever what it truly seems. Representation of the subconscious distorts true significance, but in this scenario, I absolutely am lost. And what's more, I was under the notion that if you died in a dream, you die in real life? (isn't that true? Maybe I've watched too many horror and chiller movies?!?!)

Disclaimer

While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering...
Feel free to email any comments or opinions.