20 February 2012

100 mph

how fast can i lose a million dollarsin a seconddoes i stutteri had a dream i was stonedi never dreamthen i am awake and i dance acriss cross waterwith my pants and baseball jersey reversedi want to put my handsin the oceansqueeze the land out of themstretch the web and swim into hurricane seasonsee you maybe weighted down in jewelrythousand dollar bobblesi got three paychecks on a tablei got my life on scalesi got my whole life ahead or i havea lot to learnlike how to survive new york cityhow to be happyhow to be zen as a dunkthe second before the sting of the rim on your handsreminds you to land

drill me in the mouth with a bulldozeri love hearing the back up alarms of big trucks

crush me

i was a little brother onceand do you know

i can hear yousometimes

like when you raise your voiceand it is a bubble

or several bubblesfilling up and over filling your eyeballs

and heydo you know where vision is

like i meanwatching blind spotsliketrying to see the voidlikei am going to touch the skyand say or shout ortell me again why i am a terrible waste of anythingrun me over with your carquit smokingi am deadi am deadi am dead

14 February 2012

13 February 2012

i was at this party in west omaha when i was in college
and i remember thinking that this is what college is like
maybe
i played the interpol album turn on the bright lights
and i remember some kid saying that the music was bad ass
and i had this whole binder of cd's.

a door is
meaningless without walls
a door is
only a door when it can be opened
and walls are only used to make our universe
more cozy
on one hand
i am freezing
on the other hand
it is more than likely the same temp
unless you have one hand
in the oven
or on the sun
or is the devil
or your arms are miles long experiencing different climates

i wrote this poem
about blowing smoke
out of my brain

my brain is for digesting
or my brain thinks it knows what love is
or gets sad when love stops being
what it thought love was

and then there is the me laughing
and there is the me who knows things
adn there is the me who wishes he was still
a little boy in a small town throwing rocks
in the alley at cans and things that sound like cans

and i want to be so rich
and i want to see the entire universe
and i want to scoop out my skull like rainbow sherbert

one
color
at
a time

and without these glasses
my eyes wont slowly get worse
and without these glasses
i wont break my glasses
and without these glasses
nobody could ever call me four eyes

and if they did

i would not understand why

anyone would ever
want to hurt
me

so i hide in a closet
or just shut doors in my brain
turn off all the lights
and it gets cold
or warm
who knows

i shave my beard sometimes
i remember the first time
i shaved my beard
i went out into the living room
to see if my dad
would
notice

LISTEN:

i shout
or i am shouting
in distant galaxy far from every heavened spirit
can you hear
my falling
in the forest

i look like an aging human
so lost in my own voice
to forget that i am about to die

time is
ahead of us

who cares if your husband is honest
YOU ARE NOT YOUR HUSBAND

but one day
everything will unlove
and the walls will fall down
or be built
or think about an axe chopping wood
for the rest of time
like
there are all these
trees
that exist

and i am trying to understand
nothing
and when there is no more me
there will be no party
there will be no walls
no heat
no freezing
no doors
no gates
no pits
no fire
no gold

i am a noise
i am a whimper
i am a gust of wind
i am the no wind
still as an actors chest
when they are acting
dead
for the funeral

i am getting stonedi stopped tweetingi say i lovei dont give a damni give a billion rivers the width of an old dying stari can stop eating like my dadi can be a skelletoni can close my ears until you leave

eyes are seeingpocket skull deep into the orange pulp of sun cakesor this mind of mine is a winding clockis an anchorheavy as a heavy rockthe size of anythingand thena sinking ship sitslike an ass at the bottom of the most wateri have everswam ini am swimminglike a happy dogfur as heavy as bonesas much weight as a solid gold dogor a melted gold dogi cannot be funny every second of the dayi cannot figure outthe worlddo you know if you are told something is trueit is true until you google itor do itor do it againlike a damn geniuslike a magician making magic happenits all magic smoke and magic mirrorsi have no ideahow a television worksi am thinkingif i shake as fast as possiblei might cook from the insidebut i am just sitting here at the bottomof nothingshaking like an idiot because its so coldi guessin februaryi miss you or somethingi wonder if there are any good movies to see

03 February 2012

wish i was as cool as someone

i shook all over at the black jack tableyou can hear my oldest bones breaking if you put your ear down the the green felt tablei will sayi am not dyingbecausei cannotspendiam dyingbecause i am spentand your eyes look up at my silly cowardicelike i am some kind of wounded monsterslowly cooking from the insidethe smell ofmy organsis grossand your mouth drops openlosing controlyousink

i remember being in houses a lotwonder if gods got a god to be likelike mikejordan, it hurts when you knowi have nikes oni wish i had nikes oni am afraid of wearing my nikes in public because i might get murdered over these kicksdo you walk around a loti mean did i just watch that youtube videotitle: did jesus christ learn buddhismof course i didn'tbut it really got me thinkingabout how i saidloving you was looking at a beached whale

i am hardly bullying andi am not a libraryi spell things wrong a loti feel really terrible about iti sing like a dumb dogi am lazy in the morningdislike tap waterbut god i want water so badit's like i needto be floodedor when i used to drive carsi used to think about drivingoff into the ditchand to me this always seemedlike a hillarious way to diewas so young back then i guessdeath just seems funnylike once the movie is overi will never win an oscarwon't even be around to see peoplewalk out and stand in front of the theaterwondering what the hell just happened

so this is my big shit grinand this is my tin manfriend with no heartor he couldn't think what he loved withor he kept talking about all this bloodin his bodythat just pooled in the limbssloshing around when he danced at the cluband i guess he's real lonelybut he's got a lot of thinking to doon why he should thinkthis is the oneor this is the oneor this is the oneor this is the one