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long time

I’ve been quite the busy little bee lately. I decided that I wanted to start making lanyard keychains, but then a friend told me that I could make other patterns, not just the square and the round, but more intricate. She sent me to Laneyards on YouTube where I learned how to expand my horizons by making this complicated DNA strand pattern. I went a bit further though, instead of just making it with the clear and color, I decided that I wanted to make one of each in the rainbow colors (purple is not in picture, but it is on Etsy), so I went shopping and found the translucent (which by the way makes it even more difficult to make) and I found the gold and the pink (which isn’t for sale yet). But then I made one with all of the rainbow colors which I never in a million years thought I’d be able to do.

So what the heck am I supposed to do with all of these keychains? People are suggesting to me on Facebook that I should sell them on Etsy, so that is what I have done. I opened up a store called GayNerd. I didn’t just come up with a price on the spot, I did some research and found that people were selling the DNA strand keychains made out of paracord for $8, although as I type this some of them have them for $1.50 to $5. There are some DNA keychains made out of hemp as well for around the same low price. I decided on $4 for the colors, $5 for the rainbow and $5 for the gold.

The rainbow one is really hard to make and takes a long time and these keychains are probably going to ruin my already messed up hands (carpel tunnel syndrome), so that’s why they are that much. Also the gold is $5 because it’s not cheap at Michael’s. I figured the colors are inexpensive to buy, but still a long time to make and they are hard to count because of how clear they are.

I’m not expecting anyone to buy these, I am just having fun making something neat out of nothing. Who knows, I might get out of the DNA phase and move on to something even more complicated. I like a good challenge. And even if these keychains are mine forever, sitting on my desk collecting dust, at least I know that I had fun making them and it was a learning experience for me.

If I never sell them, well, let’s just say you can expect to see me on Hoarders in a couple of years LOL.

Today is national coming out day and although I have already come out, I wanted to share my coming out story.

I knew I was gay when I was very young. When I learned to walk, I somehow decided that I wanted to walk on my tippy toes. I was capable of walking on my heels, I just didn’t want to and so as a result my step-father started calling me a sissy, which was a nice way to call a toddler a fag. He had the doctor put braces on my legs and I was forced to wear combat boots to keep me from walking on my toes.

When I was 12, he would see news stories about the gay and lesbian protesters who were seeking equality in the early 80’s and would tell me that all the fags should be put on an island and shot. I heard that a few times. There were many suicide attempts because I was so terrified of what would happen if my parents found out that I was gay and because I was being beat up in school because the other kids thought I was gay.

When I was 15 I met my first boyfriend and my family had to leave where we were living and I gave him my PO Box address to keep in contact with me, but I didn’t know that my parents were reading the letters and throwing them in the trash. I was homeless when I was 15. They were forced to take me back in about 6 months later. 2 months after my 17th birthday I was homeless again after my mother confronted me about the letters that they had been reading every week for 2 years.

Since then I have had such a hard time telling people that I was gay, even co-workers because when I finally did tell them, they would turn on me. One minute we were the best of friends, the next minute they couldn’t even look me in the eye because they were so disgusted by me. Now I don’t wait for a long time before telling people I am gay because if I tell them right away, then I don’t have to waste any time and I don’t get my heart broken when they reject me. Maybe that’s why I don’t have very many friends, because I’m afraid of being rejected.

I have always said that I am not looking for acceptance, but we all know that’s a big fat lie, especially when it is a family member or a close friend. I don’t seek acceptance from strangers though, so that is why it is easier to come out to strangers. Anyway, that’s my coming out story.

Chip and I have been together for a very long time. Our 18 year anniversary will be on March 25th and to celebrate our love, I am buying rings. This is the ring that I have chosen because it says “Forever Love” on the top with a cubic zirconia in between the words. I think it’s a nice color and it would make a great wedding ring if we were ever allowed to get married.

I wear a size 13 and Chip wears a size 7. It is a humongous difference and the website where I bought my ring doesn’t have it in a size 7. I haven’t bought his ring yet because I have to find out if they can re-size it because the smallest size they have is 8. If they don’t then I will have to put a dab of hot glue in his so it doesn’t slip off his skinny finger lol.

This will be the first relationship ring that I have worn in over 20 years. The last one that I wore was taken away from me by my partner who lost his when he went to jail for drunk driving. The jail didn’t give him his ring back so he took mine. I haven’t worn a ring since then and I look forward to finally wearing another ring.

Just in case anyone is wondering, from what I understand gay people wear their rings on the right hand instead of the left hand. That was how it was in 1991 when I wore my first ring. If I wore it on the left hand, that says that my relationship is no different from a straight relationship, but I prefer the right hand because I like to be different. So it shall be the right hand.

My ring wasn’t expensive and not because I’m cheap or because I’m poor, well that second one has something to do with it, but because this is the ring that I want and it just so happens that it was on sale when I bought it for only $24 at JustMensRings.com. The shipping was only $2 which made it even more worth the small price. It is coming to me via USPS which means it will take a few days to get to me, maybe longer since it’s coming from Florida.

I can’t wait to get it and I can’t wait to give Chip his ring on our 18 year anniversary later this month. He doesn’t read this blog so don’t tell him… it’s a secret.

When I began writing my book, it was not with the intentions of hurting anyone’s feelings. I dug deep down into my memories so I could write what happened to me in my life. It brought up so many bad feelings that I had at the time so when I wrote it, my feelings were hurt all over again. Even though I had forgiven people for what they said or did to me, I felt like I had to type the memories out as if I were still living the experience, as if my feelings were still hurt to convey how it made me feel because I didn’t want to sugar coat anything.

It took me years to write my book because I struggled with the consequences of writing it, like someone yelling at me and telling me that they never wanted to talk to me again or whatever, and today that happened. One particular family member emailed me saying I lied and didn’t mention things that I did mention and unfriended me on Facebook. Although my feelings were hurt that I was accused of lying, as always, but at the same time, this person has not been in my life for a very long time. She has chosen to distance herself from me because I don’t speak with other family members who she is closer to. I don’t know if that is the real reason for her distance, but as it is we haven’t spoken in a long time so what difference does it make if she no longer speaks to me now?

Look, I didn’t lie and I didn’t twist the truth in my book. It took me a long time to write it and I had to really pull out all of the memories with 100% accuracy which meant digging deep and rewriting as I could remember what really happened. My memories were twisted because I wasn’t sure of the chronology of the events, but getting down to it made me remember everything. It does hurt to be told that I did things that I never did and that I didn’t do things that I did, but that is what those certain people have been doing to me my whole life.

The person who has cut herself out of my life today has not read my book and that is obvious because she told me that I left things out that I clearly put in there. When she has read all 400 pages of my paper book, or 293 pages of my e-book then we’ll talk, but as far as I am concerned, she doesn’t know what she is talking about.

When I wrote my book I had to really think if this is what I wanted to do. I had to tell myself that once it was published I couldn’t take it back. I had to write something that I would never apologize for writing because I know it was true. The relationship will probably never be repaired, but it has been broken for too many years anyway so it was only a matter of time before it all fell to pieces. It’s too bad that it had to happen and I am not going to blame myself because I didn’t do anything wrong. I was the one who was mentally and physically abused, I was the one who was homeless and I was the one who was molested and raped. I wanted to tell my story so people would see that I was able to fix my life and I made it better.

I am not sorry and nobody can make me feel guilty about writing the truth.

The e-book version of my book will always be available for the Kindle at Amazon and the Nook at Barnes & Noble and in other formats from RainboweBooks.com for only $6.99. If you don’t have an e-book reader then you can buy the paper book version at CreateSpace for $16.99. It will be available on Amazon in 5-7 business days from today and I will add another post when it becomes available.

I was going to wait until it was available through Amazon because I’m sure some people would be more willing to buy from a company they know and trust. CreateSpace is who is publishing the book and they are an Amazon Company so it doesn’t really matter where you get it from.

My book is print-on-demand and they usually print it immediately. I ordered my proof copy on Monday and got it today. It was shipped to me from North Charleston, SC and it only took a few days via UPS so you won’t have to worry about it taking a long time to get to you.

Thank you for taking an interest in my book and I look forward to hearing what you think of it.