Sunday, May 20, 2018

Honey Dick Defined: You Deserve Your Money Back!

Finally! The People’s Red Head has come back to The Weigh-In!

The title of this piece has inadvertently solicited tremendous response from those in the adult film community. For clarification sake, I am not referring to a dick-covered in honey, such as the subject matter of Matthew Ward’s weekend bedroom activities. Furthermore, I am not referring to Steve Ward’s early adolescence when he was constantly caught training the family pet to obey his commands, utilizing a positive reinforcement system where said pet was encouraged to lick a certain extremity slathered in honey.

I am referring to the epidemic of last minute main event cancellations happening too often in the UFC. Obviously this piece is sparked by the fourth cancellation of Ferguson vs. Khabib, which is a dream fight of mine. The People’s Red Head will be the first to admit that he too fell for this fourth and final installment of Ferguson vs. Khabib. It is the one time in my existence that I was duped, and perhaps more so than you, the common reader. We here at The Weigh-In are held to a higher standard for fuck sake! Mind you, I seldom give my responsibility here much thought. Further, I am known to let the expletives and lose facts fly, but I too have feelings. We are tasked with the responsibility of entertainment and information. I take my followers seriously, and I regret to inform you all that I let you down.

UFC 223 promised to bring an end to the question of who is better between Ferguson and Khabib. I for one had my money on Ferguson. Even after his injury, he still tried to fight. Ferguson is an animal with no fear. I prepared to watch this fight in my normal fashion. This included my usual routine that requires the following: spit bucket, mouth guard, baby oil, European speedo, and Bengay. I just realized that my fight preparation spectator kit is identical to my sex kit. It is not that you all needed to know this but I felt it worthy of mention.

Let us please stay on track people! We must focus on this honey dick! Ferguson suffers an injury and we find out on April 1, 2018. I immediately thought that this cancellation was a terrible April fools joke. How wrong I was. It lead me to ponder what the hell is going on in the UFC. It further led me to proclaim I will no longer be the victim of a honey dick. For those of you who have not read prior pieces, honey dick is regularly addressed on The Weigh-In.

A honey dick is defined as seducing a person for your own personal gain. The UFC keeps honey dicking all of us. How many fights in the last year have had last minute cancellations? The answer is too many to count. I do not even want to delve into how many main events have been cancelled during fight week. The lesson here is that I want some money back. I also want you all to get some money back, but only after I get my money back. In addition, I am no longer going to order pay-per-views in advance.

As former President Bush Jr. said, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, you can’t get fooled again.” What a profound quote. The point being, I too refuse to be fooled again. UFC President Dana White has been quoted as saying there is no way in hell he will book Ferguson vs. Khabib a fifth time. I cannot say I blame him. In fact, perhaps we should all thank White. My heart cannot take a fifth attempt at Ferguson vs. Khabib. We all know Ferguson is amazing and he should keep his belt. Khabib should continue on his own path and see where it leads him.

The honey dick epidemic is frustrating to say the least. The Weigh-In has not seen such disappointment since Steve attended his girlfriend’s prom at the age of 27. It is a long story, but a story as old as time. We had two lovers, well; we had one lover and one child. Steve kept her out past curfew, against her parents’ instructions. The young woman’s father found her that night in the back of Steve’s 2016 Volkswagen (proud sponsor of The Weigh-In) and Steve never heard from her again. A temporary restraining order later, he now freelances for The Weigh-in. We are lucky to have him.

Even Steve is done with the UFC honey dick. Moving forward, pay-per-views will not be purchased until an hour before the event. It is my hope that this will cut down on last minute changes to cards. However, nothing is perfect. It is worthy of note that while I am sour, I still have the utmost respect for all UFC fighters, and all fighters in general. It is just difficult to keep dealing with this as a fan. Remember, I am not only a contributor; I am also a fan of the sport. I hope everyone reading avoids future honey dicking.