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Well, my friggin' H solved my dilemma for me. He called me. And I wouldn't have picked up except for the fact that he called from a new number and as my cell is my work phone, I have to take calls.

So he seemed to sound like his "normal" self - probably no one was around him at the time. He asked if I'd gotten his email. I said no, I hadn't had time to check email yet. He said that he just wanted to make sure that I had insurance and that it was due on the 25th. I asked him if the bill was at the house and he said probably, but if not that he could email me the info to pay online. I told him that was cool, that I would likely pay it online. He mentioned the Protect America bill, and I mentioned that I paid it last week when I paid the mortgage.

Then, he asked me "if I still wanted to get together in January to talk about bills and things." I said sure, whatever works, just let me know. He then said that we could probably do it sometime in the first week of January if that worked for me. I said yeah, I'll have to check. He said he was sorry to keep bringing this stuff up but he just wanted to make sure the bills got taken care of and into my name (blah friggin' blah).

He asked how I've been. I said good, keeping busy. He asked if anything interesting was going on at work, and I said that things were busy but normal. I mentioned that I had a work party last night. He asked me how it went, and I said it was good, a really good time.

I asked how he was, and he said nothing new was going on, just the same old stuff. He said that he was waiting for a friend of his (a guy we went to high school with) to bring over a recliner he was giving him, and that he'd bought a sofa and loveseat from this guy's mom for a $100. I said that was cool.

He asked about Lola, our dog. i said she was doing well and that she'd gotten a bath yesterday. He laughed and said, "Poor girl, she must have hated that."

I asked him if the number he's called me from was a new work number, and he said yeah, he's had to get a new number. I asked it it replaced his blackberry number at work, and he said yeah, although I think he was feeding me BS. The exchange on the number is not for his area, so it's strange. Probably a new number so he can call his whore.

We had another race to get off the phone, but I won this round - I could feel him priming up to get off the phone, and I beat him to the chase. I told him to have a good weekend. He told me to do the same, said take care, and then as I was hanging up threw in there, "Call me if you need anything."

I said "ok" and hung up.

Duration: 2 minutes, 51 seconds.

I am SO sick of this f***ing BS. I am tired, dead on my feet and hollow-boned. This whole ordeal is so ridiculous, it just makes me want to change my name, move to another country and start a new life as someone else.

And I am sick and tired of him wearing me out every bloody time I have something to look forward to (plans tonight). It gets so old.

I keep thinking about this crap. You know, I can't help but notice a pattern in our interactions.

1. I avoid contact.

2. He tries to initiate contact about finances or other practical details - often in a rush.

3. I respond with friendly detachment.

4. He is friendly but nervous. He tries to settle into our friends vibe by apologizing and being the "nice guy."

5. I remain distant.

6. He becomes "all business". Tries to rush things along.

7. I remain friendly but distant.

8. He backs down and becomes "Mr. Nice Guy" again.

I feel like I'm in a cheeseless tunnel right now. I seriously have no clue how to break this flipping cycle. If I try to be a "friend", this is what I get.

1. I act as a friend.

2. He responds in a friendly way but reiterates his position.

3. I validate.

4. He gets comfortable, and then does a 180, bringing up those practical details again. He reiterates his desire to D.

This is seriously a no-win situation for me. About the only thing I haven't tried is outright anger, rage, and vindictiveness. I've been business-like and detached. I've been vulnerable and emotional. I've been sympathetic and a friend. I've been friendly but detached.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. Your sadness, rage and despair are all part of this. It will end. I know it doesn't feel that way but it is ending for me and the relief is incredible. Letting go the rope is so freeing and the time will come for you too.

Regarding Sunday,you are a strong woman with a healthy sense of pride, if you feel confident that you can handle it in a way that retains your self-respect, then be there. Otherwise, do whatever is best for you. In the big picture it won't make any difference. All that makes a difference right now is doing what is best for you.

I'm having the same thoughts Nas. When is it ok to try letting the rage spew forth as it's the only thing left to try?

Seriously, I wish I could answer that but I cannot. Perhaps that time never comes - not if you're taking the high road. I've been considering the cold, hard reality that even if we do get a D and are truly and completely done with eachother that I will still never have a chance to release my rage on him. I could, but it would gain me nothing. It would only diminish me.

That is perhaps the most frustrating part of all of this. I want to fall into hate soemtimes, but the truth is that if I do allow myself to hate then he still has bloody power over me.

Sickening, this mess.

Quote:

I can't wait to read your novel when it's finished!

Oh, thank you so much, hunny! *hugs* Hopefully I can really get back on that bandwagon soon.

Hey, whateverittakes! Thanks so much for dropping in to offer support. It truly means so much to me.

It's so funny that you mention the freedom that accompanies dropping the rope. I'm now to the point where I want to drop the rope. I am dying for some relief.

If only there was an easier, quicker way to get there, eh? Ah well.....

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Regarding Sunday,you are a strong woman with a healthy sense of pride, if you feel confident that you can handle it in a way that retains your self-respect, then be there.

Thanks so much! Luckily, I have no plans to see him before January, and I'm not calling/emailing/texting him at all. He can come to me. Funny thing is, he always does come to me after a day or two under the guise of practicalities. The fool doesn't have enough balls to just call and be a decent human being....

I think the Sunday meeting you're refering to is what happened this past Sunday. Things actually turned out well. I planned on not being their, but fate intervened and I ran into him for 5 minutes as I was leaving. I was friendly but distant, and he was nervous. In the end I cam home after a great evening to find that he actually hadn't taken any of his stuff except one can of ammo.

You don't have to answer the phone, even if it is a strange number. Let it go to voicemail and return the call later. If they don't leave a voicemail then it wasn't that important. And if it is your H and he doesn't leave a voicemail, then you know he is just trying to keep you dragging on that rope of his.

I just want you to keep things in perspective... this is a long journey... as much as you want things to turn overnight, it just doesn't normally happen that way.

Hey, MC! Thanks for popping in and offering your wisdom and much-needed perspective.

As far as the answering the phone thing goes, unfortunately I did have to answer at that time. The number was new, and I really did have to pick up as I was waiting for a call from a new dealer in Savannah that needed to have systems integrated. Long story short, if I let all of the calls that I got from unassigned numbers go to voicemail, i would be screwed. My boss knows when I'm on conference calls or in meetings, and since our CEO just jumped down his throat about how it is unacceptable that any call be left to go to voicemail for any reason (CEO is bats*** insane), I really can't chance it.

Good news is, I saved the new number, so unless he changes his number again, I'm golden.

I know it's a long journey, and I'm trudging onward. Every day it sinks in a little more. A couple of weeks ago, I would have told you that things had a chance of turning around before Christmas (ha!). I am now realizing that I am looking at months and months and possibly years. Whether I'm going to still care after months and months is another issues entirely, but I do understand.

Hey ... I understand on the phone thing.. Just wanted you to really think about if you HAD to answer... and if you did, then I'll accept that.

At the beginning of my sitch (end of June)... I thought everything would be fine by our Disney trip at the beginning of Sept... ended up cancelling that... then there was hope for our anniversary... nothing, then hope for W's b-day... nothing, hope (not really)for Thanksgiving... nothing, now NO hope for Christmas... and we'll see what happens.