posted on: March 10, 2008

At first I thought I should write this in my personal journal, but then something compelled me to write this here, without reservation despite its public format. I ask for forgiveness or compassion for whatever flows from my mind as I share my personal thoughts with you.

I just finished listening to Eat, Pray, Love during my five hour drive back from Chicago. It is most certainly an inspirational book of personal thoughts and journeys toward a woman's quest for self discovery combined with a touch of cultural insight into the worlds of Italy, India, and Indonesia. The audio book is read by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, with all of her inflections and intentions as well as imitations of her friend's speech patterns and accents- which would most certainly not come across in nearly the same way if I were simply reading the book with my imagination filling in the audio version of it all. I love audio books... especially when they're read by great storytellers, like Elizabeth. ;-)

I just realized that I slipped into writing this post informatively for you and not reflectively for myself... which is what happens when I write a blog instead of a journal. I'll try to continue as if this were my journal...

I feel as though I'm always in a search for a greater understanding of the world and of myself. It's a never ending journey of discovery for peace, balance, and happiness. Some days I feel as though I have achieved it and others I feel as though that goal is so distant and incomprehensible. I have a sense of what it feels like to be free from worry, fear, and doubt, because there are most certainly times in my life when I have been able to appreciate each moment for exactly what it is and how beautiful it is without thinking about the moments that came before or the ones that will follow. I find myself most at peace when I am with other people... giving them my undivided attention and energy. Loving them for who they are, appreciating and acknowledging everything that makes them beautiful, and hopefully helping them see that beauty as well.

The only drawback to this equation is that that my undivided attention, adoration, and energy requires time, which only comes in a limited supply... dosed out into 24 precious hours each day... minus the 3-6 hours my body demands for a recuperative break each night (or whenever it can squeeze it in.) Never before have I felt time to be so physically limiting as I do at this point in my life. Each decision about how I will spend my next hour... minute... second... becomes a reflection of my priorities and progress toward a more meaningful life. Even now, as I write, I am thinking about all of the other things I could be doing in this very minute that would make someone else happy... and I would be doing it simply to make them happy, without regard for my personal growth or happiness. I don't mind being so selfless, it comes pretty easily for me. The greatest joy I receive is in knowing that I've helped someone else.

One of the drawbacks of always wanting to help others and make them happy is the sacrifice of helping myself... which, in turn actually prevents me from helping more people. Confusing, right? I'm still trying to figure it out myself to be honest, but lately I've been experiencing this a lot. Perhaps it is all a lesson in how to set limits and how to prioritize time and how time is very physical, despite its occasionally expandable and collapsable nature. Sometimes a minute feels like an hour and sometimes months feel like a matter of days. I do know that when I am at peace, time does not matter, only moments and experiences. The only problem is, I have a hard time being at peace, when I have so many pressures and deadlines lingering over me, add to that- constant external reminders of those deadlines acting like the sprinkling of salt into an open wound.

If only time weren't so limited. If only that pause button on life really existed. If only I could spend time with my husband, and exercise, and meditate, and answer every email in my inbox, and make progress on every project, and necessary errands, and keep the house clean, and take the time to prepare a healthy meal. Generally speaking, I get so "busy" trying to do all of those things that I feel like I'm not really doing any of them. There have been many days when I have opened my email inbox in the morning and spent an entire day simply responding to the emails that have come in, only to end the day feeling like I didn't make any progress... which generally results in more emails the next day. Yet, experience tells me that if I ignore my email for too long, people would feel as though I don't care, or as though I'm ignoring them. When I don't blog for a certain amount of time, I feel wracked with the same sense of guilt- as though not blogging is somehow neglecting the very people I want to make happy.... yet with the same token, taking the time to blog means that I'm not spending time doing the things that will make other people happy. I'm always making progress on something, always putting out the next fire, or tackling the next project, so why is it that even after making tons of progress, I still have a feeling like none has been made?

I can't help but think of the old saying, "You can't make everyone happy all of the time, you can only make some people happy, some of the time." So, when you have so many people in your life that you need to make happy, the bigger question becomes... who? Who is most important to make happy RIGHT now? Is it the bride & groom who were married 6 months ago and have seen all of their images but haven't been blogged about yet? Is it the couple whose boudoir images I took 3 months ago and haven't seen anything yet? Is it the wedding coordinator whose email from a month ago is still lingering in my inbox asking me to get images for her website? Is it the photographer asking for some advice about some aspect of photography or business? Is it my blog readers, who visit every day just to see if there's something new? Is it my husband whom I've only spent 6 hours with over the last three weeks and whose birthday is coming up in 4 days? Is it my brother who never calls me but who called recently to update me on the happenings in his life but whose call I still haven't returned? In the grand scheme of things, if I can only make one person happy right now, who should it be, how do you prioritize people when they are all so important? (Notice that no where in that list did I mention making myself happy.)

Frankly, I'm very happy staying busy, being involved in a lot of things, and helping others... I just need to do a better job of finding balance between caring for my clients, caring for my family and friends, and caring for myself. I recently came to the realization that there's no such thing as "multitasking" (thank you David Allen.) We think that by multitasking we're being more efficient, and I loooove being efficient, but really, multitasking can often lead to making things take longer. Take, for example, driving and anything else you could possibly do while being in the car: talking, map reading, eating, or just thinking about something else... if any other thing distracts you from noticing your exit or being in the right lane for your next turn, you have to spend that much more time reorienting yourself and getting back on the right track to make up for not being focused on the road in the first place. How many batches of cookies had to be remade because the first batch was charcoaled when someone went off to do something else and forgot about the oven? How many times have I stayed up all night in the name of productivity only to be so tired the next that I could hardly muster half the amount of productivity out of my body? So, I'm learning how to be more focused and how to divide my time so that I'm making room for the things that are going to matter most in the long run and create the most balance... like wellness and family. Easier said that done, it requires a large re-conceptualization of time and the limitations of time... it also takes a more liberal use of the word no and a more liberal projection of deadlines.

It's now 3:30 am and my body is starting to tell me that it's time to shut down.... obviously I'm not doing such a good job of balancing my time yet. As my body prepares for sleep, my mind fights back, stressing about all the things that still need to be done and all of the people that I still need to take care of, thinking about how much progress I'd make if I could just squeeze one more chunk of productivity into my last minutes of consciousness, which brings me back to the question of what is most important RIGHT now? My body says sleep, my mind says 101 other things.

When I was in grade school, I remember reading a very moving book called Momo which had a strong lesson about the relativity of time and how we think that working harder now will give us more time later, when in fact, it only robs us of the time we have in the present and creates more work to be done in the future. I can't tell you how incredibly true this has been in my life. My husband is leaving for Boston tomorrow and when he gets back we'll have a day or two in the same city before I leave for a conference in Las Vegas for a week. The calendar says we've been married for over 4 years now and yet it seems like we've spent less than a year together. I'm desperately trying to change it so that I don't wake up at 60 and wonder where my life went. If you've been there, if you feel like you've mastered the time balance for a healthy life, I'd love to hear what made the biggest difference for you. I'm eager to learn.

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Dear Anne, your post has deeply moved me. It is hard to give you a solution in a couple of lines, but the first two words that come to my mind right now are: priorize and delegate. When you wrote

"If only I could spend time with my husband, and exercise, and meditate, and answer every email in my inbox, and make progress on every project, and necessary errands, and keep the house clean, and take the time to prepare a healthy meal."

...you clearly stated your priorities. For the rest you need to delegate. Hire someone to answer the mails for you, to send the pictures to whoever is wainting for them, to give you the time to call back to your brother and so on... And your personal attention and happines is a must as are your work obligations. A good exercise to find what your priorities are is trying to imagine your life without any of the things you have in it: your husband, your parents, any of your friends, etc... and find what is the one you can't possibly live without.

The only thing I kept thinking about after every sentence was that Anne should read/listen to Timothy Ferriss' book The four hour work week. It's a great book to help realize what's really important for you, for your business, and for your sanity.

Hi, Anne!I don't have any answers for you (because I'm pretty much in the same boat) but I just wanted to say "Thank You" for sharing so openly! I've heard tons of advice on prioritizing and delegating and I think the hardest part about those methods is the "doing" part! Ha! Good luck to us all!

Beautiful post Anne, I agree with what Bliss said. Hire someone to help you!! My other piece of advice is going to sound silly and "predictable" but it will change your life if you DO IT!! (That was the hard part for me!) I have 3 boys and do PTO, have a husband, trying to homeschool, start a photography business, volunteer here, volunteer there, keep up with friendly obligations, emails...we all have it. My life changed when i put a few basic guidlines into practice...going to bed every night at the same time, and getting up and showering first thing. Odd huh? I SWEAR, it will make a huge difference!! The going to bed preferable is before midnight!!! :) More like 10. My priorities are TURNED OFF at 9:00 at the latest and that last hour is for my husband and I. The shower is because i learned i dont feel good unless i get up and literally start my day by showering and making my body feel better. You work better, eat better, do more...you get the idea. Sorry that was long winded...Good Luck!!

Just wanted to say that I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. Balance is such a tricky & delicate thing, but I think the other posters have given some excellent advice. Also, thanks for the Momo book recommendation. I'm going to track it down to read for myself then pass it on to my daughter!

Very similar thoughts I have had before. I had a discussion with a friend about these sort of things. Even though you and I are doing things that we love it's the capacity that we sometimes struggle with. Its our living, it pays for our cost of living, our mortgage, car loans, etc.. He asked me the question, "what would change if you were debt free?" Wow! that changes dynamics of things. I would still be doing what i am doing but not under the pressure to reach a certain number. We would also be able to spend more of our time helping others. Time does go by so quickly and we almost have to look in the mirror everyday and ask ourselves, who REALLY needs me today? If I lost everything today, who would I most want to be with? Life is kind of like learning on the job...I love the motto..."embrace the journey"-John

Your post really touched me. I think a lot of photographers have felt exactly like this often enough, if not every day! I'm so lucky to have my husband in this business with me... I don't think either of us could do this on our own.

I've heard amazing things about the book 'The 4 Hour Workweek.' It kinda teaches you to hire out and let other people do what you can't handle... It might not fit into your budget at first, but think of how much your free time could be worth. Hire an assistant to answer emails, phonecalls, even do a 1st edit on your photos and have pictures ready to blog for you?

As I prepare to embark upon the next chaper of my life (FULL TIME wedding/portrait photographer), I find myself asking a lot of these questions prematurely. I don't want to feel like I have missed years with my husband or family .... and so I'm hopeful you can find the balance and peace!

If you figure out the answer to all these questions, don't blog it. Patent it and write a book.

yes, like the other commenters, your post was inspiring. I can only say that I guard my time like a hawk. If I am working more one day, I work less the other. It's almost like a fight, but without the agression. And, I would do anything to not be stuck in a cube all day, so I would be so grateful to do photography full time!

Anne... thank you for sharing this so openly with all of us. I swear you are just too lovable. You are certainly not the only one struggling with these issues. Its a part of our culture that drives us to want to be the absolute best at every single thing we do. The reality of it is there just isn't enough time in the day for that. In order to care for others you must first care for yourself. I try to remind myself of that daily. Its like being on an airplane and the safety instructions telling you to put your own oxygen mask on before your child's. We are no good to anyone if we are falling apart. Our happiness and well being makes others happy and appreciate us more. Hire someone on to help you with the more mindless tasks in your day. Allow them to free you up for the things you truly love.

Spend time with your husband, spend time loving yourself, spend time exploring those things that bring you joy... and others will find joy in your happiness.

Anne, it looks like you desperately need an assistant. Someone who can upload blog photos, etc. so all you have to do is come in and do the write-ups. Someone who can prioritize your clients FOR you. No matter how organized you are (and clearly you're one of the most organized small business owners I've EVER MET), you have too much on your plate to do by yourself, that's been clear just reading your blogs for months now. I think it's admirable that you do most everything yourself but it's not something they give out gold medals for or anything and in the end, as you've realized, you're just going to be missing the time you could have had with your husband (AND WITH YOURSELF). When I told my mom once that I took pride in doing everything myself on a job, sacrificing my personal life, she said "That and a-buck-fifty will get you a cup of coffee" which I still think about. You need at least one full day off a week and the occasional mental health day here and there.

Anne- I was so happy to see your blog about Eat, Pray, Love. I read this book about a year ago- and it changed my life. There were many times, especially while reading the chapter about Liz's conversations with Richard from texas about accepting and letting go of her love and sense of loss of her ex- that I had to stop reading to stop my self from sobbing long enough to wipe the tears from my eyes and move on. to this day, I think about anecdotes from the book to get me through hard times in my life. After I read it I felt like I needed to buy it for ALL of my friends! I gave it to one of them but there is not a week that goes by that I don't think about asking for it back so I can read it all over again! I really hope that you get as much from it as I feel I did. it sounds like you are! Best Wishes!

it is great that you want to please everyone and are so engulfed with your job. But I caution you. I was a young bride and both of us were trying to make our footprints in our careers that we lost sight of each other. Needless to say it ended in divorce. At the time I didn't beleive it was b/c of our jobs but now I am still young but older and wiser and I not going to make the same mistakes. You must make time for yourself and your family before it is too late.

Anne, stop and take a deep breath. It sounds like you're worrying too much about other people. "Worrying is like a Rocking Chair... It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere." You're not being fair to other people by not being fair to yourself (does that make sense). What I'm trying to say is that you have to take care of yourself to take care of other people. Don't TRY to give yourself some time to relax, schedule time to relax like it's a wedding that you can't be late for. And if you miss your time to relax, then you just lost a customer. TAKE TIME AND QUIET YOUR MIND.

Much love, Kurtis Bowersock(I hope you didn't spend too much time reading this)

Anne--I feel like you just wrote my very thoughts! I am living and feeling the same things as you. I read "Eat, Pray, Love" last fall and was blown away. The minute I turned the last page I wanted to just start right over and read the whole thing again. (But who has time?!) I hope you know how much I admire and appreciate your insight and honesty on your blog. I love how you make me think. I have yet to find a comfortable balance in my own life but am working on it everyday. Some days I feel I do a good job, other days I feel like a failure. I do think we make choices--we tell ourselves, "I can't help it. I have to work. There's so much left to do, etc." But when it comes down to it--we get to choose. We get to choose how we live every day. I know it doesn't feel that simple, but when your body and your heart are crying out for you to make a different choice, make it. Your clients will still ove you and love their pictures even if they wait an extra week or month to get them. You need to have a day for yourself every week. And a night with your husband. Make these times sacred. Consider them a part of your "job"--to replenish your mind, body and soul. To make you a better wife, friend and artist. Best of luck to you, Anne. Thanks so much for sharing.

Hi Anne,Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I read Eat, Pray, Love last year and it moved me deeplya nd definitely made me thinnk about this sense of balance. I, too, struggle immenseley with this stuff. As a wife, business owner AND mother of two I feel like there are not enough hours in teh day and not enough of me to go around. "Me" time never happens. And for the most part I can accept that short term, but it's not a great solution because I get burned out and then get super sick and then spend three days in bed sleeping non stop nearly comatose trying to recover - as fast as possible of course because there's stuff that needs to be done! Not the healthiest way to get some downtime... I think what really made a difference fro me in terms of dealing with the juggling act was to recognize that it should NOT be a juggling act. Instead of multitasking (which as you said is not effective long term) and trying to do too many things at once, instead I start out every day going: "oik, how am I going to divide this pie today?" and then I kinda decide how to divide my day. Some days a large portion of the pie goes to work and a smaller portion goes to the kids and some days a larger portion goes to work and a smaller portion goes to the kids and various moderate portions go to cooking and cleaning every single day and some days I volunteer at my child's school and some days I don't and some days I can get more housecleaning done than others and some days the laundry just piles up... I prioritize as best I can but that's the best I can do. Naturally, being a type A perfectionsit I get aggravated if I don't get as much "accomplished" in a day as I would like. I stay up WAY too late working on stuff. I don't spend enough time doing the things I LIKE to do veruss the things I HAVE to do. I am working on that. I know many people suggested hiring an assistant and if that's something you can do then I really think you should. I'm not at the point yet financiallly where I can do that, but if I ever do get to that point I will absolutely follow through on my own advice and just learn to trust that someone else can do just as good a job at posting blog photos or returning emails or creating client packages as I can... It's the control freak in me that will struggle with letting go. I'm sure you can relate...All in all, it's very challenging. As a mother I feel especially torn that I have been so busy lately. The whole point of starting this "partially at home" business was to be there with them as much as possible. Lately, they are playing in the next room while I am parked in front of the computer taking care of work for hours on end. Hearing their happy giggles from afar breaks my heart - I want to play with them too! But I have obligations and deadlines etc... It's all so tricky. Sorry for the novel hear, you definitely struck a nerve with this post. I wish you the best in finding a workable solution and keep us posted if you don't mind. I'd love to hear more about what changes you've made to create that ever elusive balance.Thanks,Pascalewww.fabphotos.biz

Anne, your post reached the multitudes as you see. My journal has been filled with so many of the same sentiments over the years. However, I have recently made some great changes in my career as well as made gradual changes toward a shift in consciousness about time and priorities. Although, I don't feel that I have it all together just yet--who really does at all times?--I know the source of making it all work.

In leading my Creative Spirit Workshop yesterday, we touched on these very issues. One of them was learning to treat the artist within you in a luxurious way--the way God treated all of Creation and intends us, who have the desire for creativity, to add to that beauty. We are not to shuck our responsibilities, but one of our greatest responsibilities is to honor our God-given desires to create as a top priority--right up there with getting your laundry done! Don't let your negative voice inside, which we all have, convince you that your art is silly or frivolous. So keep your art near the top, while putting your other priorities in the right order beginning with God, and learning to have a true relationship with Him to learn and shape your priorities and keep them in line. ;)

Anne, Driving time and your book choices are small ways of doing for yourself, not to mention being an artist. The way you perceive the world indicates you are a person of great wisdom. After all, it's all about giving and loving unconditonally. That to me is what makes life what it is.thanks for sharing your more intimate thoughts. sally gupton

Thank you for expressing ideas that just float around in my head. I have a home office and have actually seen my 11 year old son more than I've ever had before. But is it quality time if I am constantly on the computer and he is just 'near me'.

Makes you want to sell everything and live on an island. Life has to be simpler than this! Balance and being patient is what I'm working on right now.

I think your situation struck a cord with so many of us. For me, until I started journaling every morning & evening it seemed like I couldn't get through anything. And these are NOT those journal entries you will re-read tomorrow or the day after--they are all the junk you need to deposit so you can move forward. If I don't journal in the morning, the day goes very badly. When i do, the world moves with me. I get done what needs doing and my priorities are so much clearer.

And I'm working on routines. You would not believe how much easier things are once you have a routine for them! My mornings used to be freeform--now they start with journaling, a healthy breakfast and then I get to work. My days go so much more smoothly when I give myself time.

When you are out playing, don't worry about the work you 'should' be doing--so give yourself some playtime. Whether it's reading, creating, showering...give yourself something as often as you can. Your productivity will rise!!!!!!

And I still have a LONG road ahead, but it's the journey not the destination. :)

You're an amazing woman--set some reasonable goals to get through one little thing every day and do not fill your planner from top to bottom with things to do-you NEVER get through the entire list, do you? I know I don't! So now I only put the things I actually think I can accomplish.

I could go on here forever...Things that have helped me over the last year: The Artists Way (Julia Cameron), Organizing from the Inside Out (Julie Morgenstern), 20 something, 20 everything...

Anne, if I can help you in any way, just let me know. I would be more than happy to give you some assistance. I know it isn't much, but I will do whatever I can!!!

Hey lady - Thank you for posting so honestly. I'm in exactly the same spot you're in and it's very comforting... almost like a virtual chit-chat of understanding and comradary between two friends over drinks.

So, it reminded me of a post by the incredible Keri Smith (someone you should read, btw, if you don't... well, if you have time, of course :)) called "kidd me not": http://www.kerismith.com/blog/archives/2007_12.html(it's about a third of the way down the page - I couldn't direct link it).

It's just a few wise thoughts about taking back one's time and prioritizing.

I hope it helps. What she says in point #1 is in my head ever since I read it. Good stuff.

Talking about how selfless you are is an act of narcissism not selflessness. You have already made it clear that you have farmed out every aspect of your workflow, creative or otherwise. You go to every lame photo workshop that you can, and post photo after photo of yourself with semi-popular photographers in an effort to make yourself look important. You write thousands of words a week on your blog. You now charge photographers to talk to you on the phone or in person. None of these things are selfless. And now you still partially blame clients for your lack of time. The hypocrisy is hilarious. Please keep writting. Your blog make for great office reading. Nothing could be more funny than your nonsense.

My advice:blog lesstalk about how benevolent you are lessspend less time trying to be cool amongst other wedding photographers making more time for exercise is very important - for the sake of your health and appearance.

Thank you so much to everyone who offered support and advice. I genuinely appreciate the time you took sharing your thoughts and ideas. I hope to share my journey with you and show you how you've helped me. ;-)

I agree the previous anonymous poster went pretty far overboard in the personal criticism, but as the best friend of one of Anne's clients, I wanted to add the consumer perspective, since I take it that nearly everyone here is a professional and is inclined to agree with Anne's post.

My friend got married last fall, and we've all been waiting patiently to see her photos. She doesn't have an album, doesn't have a DVD, or a slide show after MONTHS of waiting. Last I checked with her, there are at least a dozen other couples who got married late last summer and fall who STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN THEIR PICTURES YET! In the era of digital photography, I don't understand how this can happen. I read Anne's blog, and I've now heard too many times to count about how hard she's working and how bad she feels, but amplify that by the 150+ family members and friends who still haven't seen wedding pictures from an event that happened LAST YEAR. And then multiply it by ALL OF THE OTHER COUPLES AND FAMILIES who are still waiting for their pictures.

I can tell you, I don't think the long-winded complaint about working hard to please others comes off as terribly sympathetic from the standpoint of one of Anne's ACTUAL CLIENTS, no matter how much she plays it up. We ALL have taxing jobs and a ton of demands on our time to please others, and it's not like we're all whining on about how selfless we are.

My friends (Anne's clients) loved her during the time they were planning their wedding, and now they tell everyone that she's not worth it if they want to see their pictures in under a year.

Dear "anonymous" (why do people posting negatively not say their name? How can I give what they say any meaning or context?)

I'm sorry, that as someone who hasn't been in direct communication with me about anything that has been going on, you don't have a full understanding of the situation. If you look back at my post about 2007, it should help explain how, "in this digital age" things can and do happen to create chaos and delays. I am someone who cares about quality, and if it means that things will take a little longer to achieve that high standard of quality, I will always strive for the highest quality. I have given many of my clients the ability to choose speed over quality- and they have all decided that quality was most important to them as well.

If your friend was married last fall, they DO have their images in one, if not two different forms, and have likely had those images for a while now. If they don't have an album yet, it's because they haven't told me that they're ready to make an album, or because their album is in the production process.

I find it interesting that as someone who is not even a client of mine, you are generalizing your assumptions to all of my clients and stating your assumptions as facts. Please do not require any more of my time or energy to respond to these uninformed and anonymous accusations. I prefer to spend this time being productive for my clients.

May you find peace and serenity in your life. I pray that no one treats you the way you have treated me.

In my opinion, whomever Anonymous is, must not have a lot of joy in their life to spend all day reading someones blog they loath, then going through such great length to bullet point each subject they think Anne should "change" on her blog. Especially if, "Your blog make for great office reading." They say people that want to harm you are just jealous of you, apparently so if they are "blog-stalking" you are work!!! They must be pretty miserable to spend day and night looking into someones life they despise.