“Whimsy Ma” Janice

Photo by Jennifer Angus

My sweet Belle,

I sat and watched a show the other night where a roomful of beautiful women competed with one another for the love of a man. I watched the drama as they quarreled, manipulated, flirted, cried and triumphed, but all I could think about was you. I saw your fresh face smiling at your baby brother, heard your silly giggle as you told Daddy a joke and felt the weight of your head as you laid it sleepily on my shoulder.

I know your two-year-old mind dismissed everything I told you that night so I wanted to write it down for you. Because someday, Lord willing, you will be old enough to listen and you will be wading through all the confusion that the world will toss at you about these things. Things like beauty, strength and love.

So, my precious girl, here are the things I desperately want you to know.

1. The most beautiful women in the world look ugly when they are mean.

Beauty is complex. It involves your hair and skin and eyes, but all of those things are just a shell. That shell is transparent and I promise you that whatever you fill it with will be perfectly clear for the world to see.

Your eyes will always be beautiful when they look kindly at someone. You will have lovely lips whenever they smile a genuine smile. And your nose? Well, noses are tough. You either have a good one or you don’t. Luckily for you, yours is adorable.

If you cultivate goodness and kindness and wisdom and strength then not only will that beauty shine out of you but you’ll find that you breathe joy and beauty into the lives of those around you.

But if the most beautiful woman on earth lets herself be filled with jealousy and hatred, she will look like a troll.

2. No one, in the history of the world, has done anything out of jealousy and made it look good.

You’ll be jealous a lot, sweetheart. Trust me. You’ll be jealous of other girls shoes or hair or elbows. You’ll be jealous of their friends, their boyfriends, their poise, their intelligence, their humor. (Maybe even of their mother, just don’t tell me about it if you are.) You’ll be jealous of people you’ve never met and people you love dearly.

When you focus on that thing that some other person has you stop caring about them at all and only care about the thing. Jealousy will make you act like a child because it is an utterly selfish feeling. Trust me, whatever you do or say when you are driven by jealousy will make you look like an idiot.

So be on your guard against it. When you see jealousy sneaking around (and you will) take a little time to be grateful for the things you do have. And if you can’t come up with anything, call me. Because I can see that you have so much beauty and strength and wonder in you that it makes my heart ache and I’d be happy to tell you all about it.

3. Don’t confuse SELFISHNESS with STRENGTH

Some of these women said terrible things to each other then defended themselves by tossing their pretty hair and saying, “I’m just being honest. I have to say what I feel.”

Well here’s a little nugget of wisdom for you, sweetie. Not everything you feel is worth saying. There will be plenty of times when you will have emotions tumbling around inside of you like a litter of puppies on crack. Some of them will be worthwhile but some will be stupid and you should do your best to send them packing.

You’ll meet plenty of girls who don’t agree with me. They’ll claim it is strength of character to blurt out any thought that crosses their mind regardless of who will be devastated by it. But honey, a woman of strong character has the wisdom to shut her mouth until she’s thought for a moment about what she’s feeling to decide whether it’s an emotion that she wants to own, an emotion that makes her into the woman she wants to be or one of those emotions that she should look square in the eye and say, “Yer outta here. You and the hormonal horse you rode in on.”

4. Love

This one is a bit complicated, honey. You’ll spend a lot of time looking for it and thinking about it and being jealous of it. It doesn’t come in the same way all the time and it often ends up looking different than you thought it would.

But I will tell you one thing. If your hunt for love begins with manipulation, jealousy and games, it’s going to have a very hard time finding its way to a happy ending. Real love will start when you find someone, get to know him, and you guys spend time being kind to each other.

And if you do it the right way, with the right kind of boy, it will involve a lot less drama than Hollywood says it should and a lot more happiness.

Oh, and one more thing the show made me want to tell you: If there is ever a boy who you are – I was going to say “kissing” but the thought of you kissing boys will probably give your dad a stroke, so lets go with – rollerskating with and he is openly rollerskating with several other girls. Like six…or seven…dozen…other girls, STOP ROLLERSKATING WITH HIM.

This is not the type of boy that makes a good skating partner. Someone who’s really fun to rollerskate with will like you because he sees what an amazing girl you are. He’ll never ask you to prove to him that he should pick you over a dozen other girls. He’ll be smart enough to know you’re the greatest thing he’ll ever find.

The only reason you should ever even go near the guy again is to point him out to your big brother so he can kick his #**. No, forget getting your big brother. You do it yourself. Go straight for his…ankles. Those two-timin’ rollerskatin’ ankles.

I love you, my darling girl. Go back to playing with your trains. We’ll chat again about all this in a decade or so.

14 Comments

The Bachelor and Bachelorette are possibly the most idiotic, demeaning shows on network television. When will women stop contributing to this kind of junk? Thank you for affirming your child!

jj

07/11/2013 – 8:15 am

Agreed! I can’t watch them without losing all respect for women….and I am a woman! So sad what girls will do to each other. Excellent post.

Jeanie Abla

07/11/2013 – 8:28 am

You are a wise mother with great insight. Thank you for posting your words of wisdom and sharing them with us. Your daughter is blessed to have a mother who is more concerned about developing her inward beauty and character than to focus on unrealistic, superficial features.
The world could use more role models like you!

JAMES MCCOY

07/11/2013 – 10:58 am

Seems to me, that if people stopped watching these types of shows, the networks wouldn’t air them. On the other hand, the woman’s advice was mostly good, except for the end when she advocated violence against the guy. Imagine the condemnation that would have occurred had the gender roles been reversed, and a parent was advising a son to beat the crap out of the bachelorette that was “rollerskating” with several other guys.

Linda

07/11/2013 – 1:51 pm

Couldn’t agree with you more James.

Leann

07/11/2013 – 6:20 pm

James, I don’t think she was advocating violence against the serial “rollerskater” simply for rollerskating with lots of girls, but rather the guy who demands the girl prove to him that he should pick her over alllll the other girls, by “rollerskating” with him more and/or more intensely.

Quite frankly, men who prey on a woman’s feelings to get “rollerskating” should be kicked in the “ankles”…. and women who do the same to men should as well.

Jaclynn

07/11/2013 – 2:07 pm

Though I am 27 years older than 2 years- I really needed to hear what you had to say. It is so important to be reminded the wisdom in this letter.

Debi

07/11/2013 – 2:29 pm

Thank you SO much for this post! One of the best things I’ve ever read. I shared it with my teenage daughter and one of her friends and I can think of a few “older” people who would benefit from reading it too!
Debi

I love you for writing this. I’m printing it out and saving it in my daughters’ journals until they are closer to rollerskating age. I also think all my boys should read this so they know more about what kind of rollerskating partner they are looking for.
Bravo.
-Alison

Essa

07/11/2013 – 4:02 pm

Wonderful article, thank you very much!
Although there is a possiblilty that she’ll want to rollerskate with a girl…

Meera

07/11/2013 – 4:48 pm

I agree with Essa! That was my only complaint about this article. Other than that, it is Spot On. Well done!

Ann

07/11/2013 – 5:44 pm

I couldn’t agree more. Also, on the Christian side, God made His plans for you, my daughter, before you were conceived in your mother’s womb. Usually, His plans for us are bigger than our own. However, God gave us the freedom to make our own decisions and choices, and that is why the world is messed up because not all of let God guide us. If you wait on His wisdom, the best will come without tears and feeling inferior.

Ann

07/11/2013 – 5:52 pm

P.S.
The Housewife shows are also demeaning to ALL women. Most of us love our husbands, possibly work outside the home, and spend as much time as we can possibly squeeze out with our children. Who has time to worry about who is wearing what outfit, who has the biggest house, constantly going out “drinking with the girls,” who is paying their bills, and just generally getting into each others business. The thing that is really ugly is the yelling and screaming and calling each other horrible names because “I am your friend,” and in order to look right and prove a point on national television. What must young guys think of our daughters? After viewing some of these shows, why would a guy treat a girl with respect when we do not treat each other with respect?