I am unhappily married with a 7 year old son. Two years ago I had an affair with a man who I fell in love with. I want to grow old and spend the rest of my life with him. But we decided to end the affair, as it was wrong. It has been hard.

We remain friends and communicate regularly and have deep feelings for each other. I asked him what he wants and he said he does not want to hurt me and he does not want a relationship with me. He thinks it best we remain friends. He says he does not want a relationship with anybody.

Our emails are very tender and I am confused. What should I do – forget him and concentrate on my bad marriage? Or live in hope that some day I will have strength to leave my husband and make a new life for me and my son and maybe renew our relationship?

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Straight away, you need to let go of the guy. Never mind what happened two years ago. He is making it abundantly clear that he does not want a relationship with you. He’s not investing at all, so I am afraid the idea of growing old with him is pure fantasy – and it’s diluting you and your energy.

All these days you spend thinking and pining about something that is never going to happen . . . it consumes resources on all levels. This energy could be used to solve your problems and create a happier life for yourself. And if you can recover these resources, you'll have a chance here.

Now as to your options: if you can obliterate this fantasy man from your landscape, what is left? Is your marriage salvageable? How unhappy are you, and why? Why don’t you have the strength to leave your husband and how can you find the strength if this is the direction you want to take?

Can you see that focusing on questions like these would be much more productive than dreaming up some guy who has left the building? I highly recommend you wean yourself off this guy, because he and the idea you will ever have a life with him is a pure hologram. Instead, invest in yourself. Get a therapist, for example. Get someone who can help you sort through your feelings about your marriage. These are the things that will pay off.