Use a longer selfie-pole so you can get more of the background in; better yet, use a GoPro too because it has a wider lens

Sell every piece of equipment you own to switch systems to the direct competitor because it has 2MP more, and then spend the next two years learning the buttons…until your old brand has 3MP more, and switch back.

Take hundreds of pictures of every meal you eat to document it comprehensively for your three followers

Carry your gear with as much prominent branding as possible: you want everybody to know you are a real, serious photographer

Believe you can quit your job and ‘make it’ as an artist after buying your first DSLR

Start a site selling photographic accessories, like paranormal apparatus

Reply all trolls! They will die without feeding.

Always leave your camera set to maximum speed burst for a more professional feeling

Sell all of your best stuff to a micro stock agency: they will get you maximum exposure

Photograph your camera with your iPhone, and use your iPhone to photograph

Assess the quality of any camera based on a little web jpeg shot by a ‘professional reviewer’

Write reviews, instead of wasting time shooting. If possible, review gear that you haven’t seen/used/tried

A photo without filters is not a photo.

Wear the loudest clothes possible to match your camera strap

Read every single review before buying anything

Remember, reviewers’ opinions are gospel. Even if they can’t take a single halfway decent image.

Use the AF assist light: your camera can’t see otherwise

Use the LCD on the back to compose – why look through a teeny little hole? Hold it at arms’ length to avoid eye strain

Actually, photograph with your iPad: the screen is even bigger!

And in the unlikely case you didn’t get it…happy April 1st 🙂 MT

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Visit the Teaching Store to up your photographic game – including workshop and Photoshop Workflow videos and the customized Email School of Photography. You can also support the site by purchasing from B&H and Amazon – thanks!

First my wife wakes me up to tell me a snow storm has started (not impossible here in Canada at the beginning of spring) and then your post – ha ha! You both got me well.
Cheers,
Richard (gullible) P.
Ps. Now how to return the favour?? 😉