Man Claims Four Loko Gave Him Permanent Heart Damage

Michael Mustica, a 22-year-old tire salesman from New Jersey, kicked off his Atlantic City vacation in style last October by drinking two and a half cans of alcoholic energy drink Four Loko and falling asleep. Little did he know that when he woke up, things would never be the same!

Upon rising from his sweet, fruit-flavored dreams, Mustica found his heart racing and his breathing irregular; his friends, who had (we speculate) been drawing obscene caricatures on his face while he slept, immediately called an ambulance, and at the hospital Mustica was diagnosed with heart arrhythmia, which, according to a lawsuit Mustica filed last week, was a direct result of his consumption of the foul concotion.

The suit alleges that our young tiremonger suffered permanent heart damage thanks to the "deceitfully packaged" Four Loko, which, with its ultra-hip camouflage cans and cutting-edge use of two different, equally ugly fonts, appealed to young drinkers ill-equipped to handle the deadly combination of caffeine and alcohol. (Four Loko has since removed caffeine from its products.)

Four Loko manufacturer Phusion Projects has yet to respond to the lawsuit, possibly because its employees are all sleeping off their two-and-a-half-can binges. We are still preparing our lawsuit against everyone between the ages of 18 and 32 for being so stupid and making Four Loko a "thing."