Recently I have been feeling poignantly aware that my life is missing the zest of earlier years — the vibrant aliveness I used to feel, as I dared to stake out female territory and claim this world as my own. As a result of chronic pain and limited mobility, I’ve been following the script of the domesticated urban women – staying indoors late at night.

That ended tonight. I went for a walk on the beach, right at the water’s edge. I trusted my instinct, and I was not afraid.

Something profound is shifting in me.

In the early 1990s, before the onset of chronic pain, I was a yoga head, practicing at least twice a week in an intensive class. For an entire year, I set my intention to complete this pose:

Sit in lotus

Put your hands at your sides

Push down with your hands

Lift up your lotus legs, swinging them between your arms.

Throughout that year, I did steps 1-3, mentally embodying step 4 happening. Then one day, it did. Pop! My lotus legs lifted up. From that day on, I could do the full pose every time.

(Me Pleased with Changes)

Something similar has just happened in my life. For years (and years and years), I have been working my edge, doing everything in my power to heal from chronic pain. In the past four years, I have been dancing at my edge – literally and metaphorically.

The change has been subtle and gradual. But it has accumulated over time, and I am now noticing some huge differences in my life:

I not only am typing by hand again, but I am doing so for long stretches of time, with no pain.

I not only am carrying groceries from the car again (up three flights of stairs in this apartment, I might add), but I am often carrying two bags in each hand.

I not only am cleaning my own apartment again, but I’m even scrubbing things without my back going out.

I not only am driving, but I am doing so with no fear.

I not only am going out to social events, but I’m not feeling depleted after.

(Me, Hatching, Round I)

And since I started working with Nina and strengthening my core over the past three weeks, I’ve noticed something else: I’m getting my personality back — the social, bubbly, excited, feisty, sparkly authentic self that I lost to pain for over a decade.

Altogether, I’m starting to feel actively engaged in Life again, instead of feeling as if I am vaguely interacting with it from somewhere behind a thick fog.

I am profoundly grateful to Gd/dess, to the infinite possibility in the Universe, to music, to dance, to the Magic that I experience in my life, to the people who have acted as catalysts and sparked transformation in my life, to the power of energy healing, and to all the people who have stuck with me throughout this wild ride. Thank you.