Helping Create a Meaningful Eulogy

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Planning a meaningful, personalized funeral is one of the most important tasks you will
ever undertake. Think of the funeral as a gift to the person who died. It is your chance
to think about and express the value of the life that was lived.

When personalized, the eulogy (pronounced EWE-luh-jee) is perhaps the most memorable
and healing element of the funeral ceremony. This article will help you choose the right
person to give the eulogy as well as offer tips for writing and presenting the eulogy.

What is the eulogy?

Also called the remembrance, the eulogy is the speech or presentation during the funeral
ceremony that talks about the life and character of the person who died. The eulogy
acknowledges the unique life of the person who died and affirms the significance of that
life for all who shared in it. The eulogy typically lasts 15-20 minutes, although longer
presentations may also be appropriate.

Who presents the eulogy?

The eulogy can be delivered by a clergyperson, a family member or a friend of the person
who died. Instead of a traditional eulogy delivered by one person, you may choose to ask several
people to speak and share their memories. There is also a growing trend toward having people
attending the funeral stand up and share a memory of the person who died. This works well,
especially at smaller or less formal gatherings.

What if the person presenting the eulogy didn't really know the person who died?

Keep in mind that the eulogy doesn't have to be delivered by the person leading the
service. Only if your clergy person or another person facilitating the ceremony knows
your family well and can speak personally about the person who died is this appropriate.
If the clergyperson didn't know the person who died, it's much more meaningful to have a
family member or friend give the eulogy. Or you might ask several people to speak.

If your family would feel comforted by a religious sermon during the ceremony, ask a
clergyperson to give one. Just be sure to have someone else (or several people) deliver
a personalized eulogy in addition to the sermon.

If you must choose someone who didn't know the person who died well, make an effort
to share with him or her anecdotes and memories that are important to you. Ask yourself,
"What stands out to me about this person's life?" "What are some special memories I'd
like to share?" "What were some times I felt particularly close to this person?" "What
were some admirable qualities about this person?"

What should be said during the eulogy?

We have already emphasized that the best eulogies are personalized. They include
memories and anecdotes of the person's life. They also try to capture personality. If
the person who died was kind, the eulogy would give examples of this kindness. If the
person who died had a good sense of humor, the eulogy might relate funny stories or
expressions.

The eulogy doesn't have to cover every aspect of the person's life, however. In fact,
often the best eulogies are those that focus on the eulogy-giver's personal thoughts and
memories. Do try to acknowledge those who were closest to the person who died as well as
important achievements in the person's life, but don't feel obligated to create an
exhaustive biography.

Also keep in mind that the word eulogy comes from the Greek eulogia, meaning praise or
blessing. This is the time to give thanks for a person's life and to honor his or her
memory. This is not the time to bring up painful or difficult memories but to emphasize
the good we can find in all people.

Some tips for eulogy-givers

Writing and delivering a eulogy is a loving, important gesture that merits your time
and attention. Though the task may seem daunting right now, you'll find that once you
start jotting down ideas, your eulogy will come together naturally. Afterwards, many who
attend the funeral will thank you for your contribution, and your eulogy will be cherished
always by the family and friends of the person who died.

Here are some ideas to get you started.

Be brave. The thought of writing a speech and presenting it in public makes many
people anxious. Set aside your fears for now. You can do this. Focus on the person
who died and the gift you will be giving to all who knew and loved him or her.

Think. Before you start writing, go for a long walk or drive and think about the
life of the person who died. This will help you collect your thoughts and focus on
writing the eulogy.

Brainstorm. Spend half an hour (longer if you want) writing down all the thoughts,
ideas and memories that come to you.

Ask others to share memories. A good way to include others in the ceremony is to
ask them to share thoughts and memories, which you can then incorporate into the eulogy.

Look at photos. Flipping through photo albums may remind you of important qualities
and memories of the person who died.

Write a draft. Once you've brainstormed and collected memories, it's time to
write the first draft. Go somewhere quiet and write it all in one sitting, start to
finish. Don't worry about getting it perfect for now-just get it down on paper.

Let it sit. If time allows, let your eulogy draft sit for a few hours or a day
before revising.

Get a second opinion. Have someone else-preferably someone who was close to the
person who died-read over your draft at this point. This person can make revision
suggestions and help you avoid inadvertently saying something that might offend others.

Polish. Read over your first draft. Look for awkward phrases or stiff wording.
Improve the transitions from paragraph to paragraph or thought to thought. Find
adjectives and verbs that really capture the essence of the person who died.

Present your eulogy with love. Now you need to present your eulogy. You may feel
nervous, but if you can keep your focus on the person who died instead of your own
fears, you'll loosen up. If you break down as you're talking, that's OK. Everyone will
understand. Just stop for a few seconds, collect yourself and continue.

Speak up. It's very important that you speak clearly and loudly so that
everyone can hear you.

A Final Word

Again, the word eulogy means "praise or blessing." Your willingness to help create a
personalized, meaningful eulogy is, in fact, a very real blessing.