I Hate(d) Myself

My name is Chris, I just turned 16 on October 30th, 2015. I'm a sophomore in HS. I found out I was gay in the 6th grade, but kept it to myself. I was a diabetic and everyone called me fat and made jokes throughout the year. When they don't know shit about it. My father left my family for someone else when I was 7 years old. The bullying started in 7th grade. People would call me stupid, fat, make fun of how I looked, how I talked. I kept it together though. I walked through the halls, ignoring the things they all said. I had maybe 1 or 2 friends, who I kept these things from. I never told my family. I pretended everything was fine. But it wasn't. I went on through Middle school and into my freshman year. Where, surprisingly, the bullying stopped. For the most part, people left me alone. There was still 2 or 3 people who would say things and do things, but that was it. Then I told my two best friends that I'm gay. They both took it differently. They both said they didn't feel that way (Not like i did). Both said that they were fine with it. Except, the difference, One was telling the truth, the other wasn't. One avoided me for about 4 weeks. The other flat out told me there was something wrong with me, said to never speak to him again, and then he started telling others, trying to get them to hate me too. After they all started believing it, I started to too. I thought, 'What the hell is wrong with me?'. I withdrew from people, I started to cut myself. I started to take pills. Starting with one pill a day, then moving to a whole weeks worth a night. I figured I'd wake up either really happy from the pills, or I'll never have to wake up again. Both options sounded good to me. The text messages rolled in. Telling me how I need to end it. Calling me names. I finally broke down. I started crying and was curled up in a ball in the shower with a razor. Adding 30 more to my arm. Then my other best friend texted me. He found out about everything. The cuts, what others were saying. He told me there was nothing wrong with being gay. He told me that it'll get better. I don't know why, maybe it was just because those words came from him, but I believed them. I threw the blades away. I started trying my hardest. Standing up for myself. I'm still fighting this today, my old best friend still makes it his goal to hate me, and make sure I know he does. I still get the texts. But I have my best friend still, along with others. So, I'm working through this.

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