Life has a funny way of making things interesting. This past week I was chatting with one of my best friends about life and she made the comment that I have changed and it’s good to see that I’m happy. “Happy?” I replied? “Yes” she said “our conversations were at times dark and now it’s filled with hope for the future and confidence and happiness.”So many things has changed since the beginning of this year” she said and mentioned a concert I attended back in May. I got to thinking what is happiness? What does that mean? Can one be truly happy? this is the topic of today blog post.

To understand this conversation you must know the history nine years ago my family had a huge loss my Aunt passed in the summer then six months later my mother died. I became lost. My identity became lost. I spent my whole life trying to impress my mother. Everything I did, I did because I wanted my mother to be proud of me and now she’s gone not realizing that no matter what I did my mother was always proud of me. She was the one who pushed me to take that leap off the edge. Whether she knew it or not she above everyone else has a huge impact in my life. I knew that no one on this planet will every love me the way my mother does so when she died I died.

So as we continued our conversation, I found myself explaining my life. “Jeeze, I can’t really remember a time where I was truly happy” my reply. It’s crazy and odd that I didn’t realize just how dangerous my life was. Changes I have made I never really talked about it depth not until I blogged about it “Reparer Mon Armure” but saying it outloud to someone its different it has a certain power to it. The more we talked the more my confidence was evident. For the first time in my life I was sure of my future and happy about the steps taken to get there.

My spiritral side has grown as well. Now I pay attention to my instincts, I see the signs now and it’s all pointing to a better life I explained. She then asked “what happened at that concert?” “Nothing really, it was just a joyous evening filled with love and compassion and great music everyone was the same all just having a good time” my reply. Then I said to understand it all read my blog.

I think back on it and it was time for me to hear the message. I was ready for a change I was open to it. After leaving that concert, I decided to let everything go. I let the horrific loss of my mother passing go. That was a big weight on my shoulders, seeing my mother suffer in her later years. I speak for myself when I say I was very selfish asking her begging her to stay and suffer through just because I wasn’t ready to let go. Trust me when I say my mother is in a happier place. My mother is where she wants to be with her two sisters her three brothers and my grandparents. Knowing that makes me free, and feels my heart with joy.

I think no one can be truly happy. I don’t look happiness as something anyone can achieve. I think its more about the transition to optain peace. I finally found a space and time where I can exist without any anger or pain. I’m no longer afraid of my future. Of course life is a working progress, but the things I once seeked don’t bring me pleasure, it’s the love and support of my family and friends that comforts me and that’s a good thing.