I miss femininity.
The gentleness of a kiss. The wisp of a hair
The gentle curve of a foot below a dress
The lovely lilt in their voice
The smell of woman
The softness of the flares of a skirt.
The happy hoop it makes when you twirl in dance together.
The the soft gentlenss of a chifon top.

Another competition of whom is stronger and smarter and more or less competent is just what it says a competition. I want a woman not a fencing opponent
.
Where are the truly feminine woman.
Marliyn Monroe, Diana, Grace of Monaco, Coco Chanel.

We are inundated with psuedo men that runs faster, jumps further, smokes more, drinks with the boys.

I lament the strong feminine woman of my youth. Those that could slaugter a pig and sit at the dinner table with a hat and gloves enjoying good company.
My heart aches for my daughters that will lose what it means to be feminine.

In our rush towards equality we losing femininity and by implication masculinity as well.
We are are losing each other.

]]>https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/11/23/red-is-the-colour-of/feed/0conradkotzeThe falacy of equality.https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/10/30/the-falacy-of-equality/
https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/10/30/the-falacy-of-equality/#respondMon, 30 Oct 2017 07:57:34 +0000http://conradkotze.wordpress.com/?p=1534In all and every group of people as soon as there is an expectancy to achieve a set goal, there are 4 inherent roles that inherently develop as if by preordination.

The leader.

the enforcer

the Joker

the Nerd.

Al 4 of these are necessary for a team to achieve their set goals. Like I mentioned in a previous blog there is no such thing as a successful team without these different roles to support the ultimate goal achievement. In as much as this is just one model or way to look at group dynamics, there is a sense of comfort in these and the way they explain our behaviour, unconscious or not in our groups.

The more critical it is for goal achievement and the urgency for time increases the need for an individual to take charge/control increases dramatically. In times of crisis, we look at leaders to decide and guide us towards where they see the perceived better place for us away from the crisis that we find ourselves in.

The problem with equality is that it is a social construct that wishes to manage a biological process. The biology being that our innate understanding of belonging is greater than the social construct that we have developed to manage our everyday activities.

We have been living in tribes and closed communal groups for aeons of time. For me the concept of equality is a latecomer to the process of social organization.

Any stratified system based on skills and attributes by implication determines that depending on what the need of the time is, that is the skill that would be in higher demand than others.

The concept of equal before the law has also proved to be a misnomer in the sense that the more affluent you are the more difficult it becomes to access the equality that is professed.

As with most social constructs that wishes to manage and impose power and identity of some sort or the other onto societies, it is bound to fail.

Our preoccupation with accessibility of opinions on social media has made the outliers, the one’s with very little inherent power, the guardians of our conscience. Its the young ones the ones that still has daddy and mommy issues to dictate the narrative on social media.

Age has become a swearword. Experience is almost minimal in new media and telecommunication industries. The failure of these new systems that is designed by nothing more than overgrown adolesce, has not yet delved into the shadow of the human spirit and as such seen the darkness that no control brings to the human spirit. The amazing negative push-back we keep seeing from the users on what and when they want things is similar to a teenager with access to the keys of the house. Cyber bullying, character assassinations with cyber shaming and non adherence to social political correctness has scuppered the careers and opinions of quite competent humans and social commentaries.

The sibling society wants to run the system, but as yet struggle to manage themselves. They live with their parents they dont own cars they don’t own homes they fail to commit to relationships and so it goes. The non commitment is a sign of the new era we living in. But people with nothing to lose has nothing to stand for except their overblown opinion of themselves and their sense of righteousness.

When we allow overgrown teenagers to manage the changing landscape of our societies, we should expect the worst of teenage behaviour.

Equality is a social construct that by implication is utopian. Should we make the quest for equality the main impetus of our society, I don’t think so. The systems we have in a place like socialism and capitalism and their derivatives are all systems that were designed before we understood the importance of our biology on our conduct and behaviour.

We need to find a different narrative should we like to create a system and society that respects the dignity and skill so each human being can be respected. So the system we need to design is also a system that incorporates how our biology influences our behaviour and interaction with our fellow group members.

But also we need to take cognisance of the human condition. That we are just not individuals we also interact in specific ways in a group determined by our inborn ability for achieving goals and objectives as a tribe. As one can see I have mentioned 4 roles that are inherent in any group when they need to achieve a goal. And as such these roles fly in the face of equality and all the negative presuppositions that will flow from being labelled as one of these roles. We can try with social engineering to change our inherent behaviour in a crisis situation, but in the end, all human beings actually want to be treated as individuals and competent in the respective skill sets that they developed throughout their lives.

We are more than our social constructs, and we are also more than our biology but negate any one of the two at your own peril.

]]>https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/10/30/the-falacy-of-equality/feed/0equalityconradkotzeLosshttps://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/10/24/loss/
https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/10/24/loss/#respondTue, 24 Oct 2017 10:45:38 +0000http://conradkotze.wordpress.com/?p=1470In the blandness that is the digital, non-sexist, non-bigoted, non-discriminatory etc world, we have lost individuality. Everybody is a group.

I miss the raconteurs of my youth, the storytellers the colourfull individuals the Harlequins that could joke truth to power. We now have angry every-bodies, that all they can do is talk about the injustices that the world has brought upon them. Its so bland and banal. Fighting against everything without offering one single solution that might be vested in reality. The incessant blandness of political correctness and non offensive everything.

Everybody is a victim. everybody is a casualty of someone or some system. No or little responsibility and accountability. Everybody is doing all they can in complaining, so few are working at change. Its as Richard Bander said, Turtles all the way down.

I miss the rogues, the chancers the ones that everybody knew were the opportunists. We now have hidden behind slinky ties and pointy-toed shoes malicious psychopaths that hide their malevolence behind legal jargon and talk with no humanity and emotion. Their greed is hidden behind admin fees and growth projections and NDA precautionary agreements.

I think I miss the humanity of my fellow humans. The touch of a hand in the dark, the smile over the tear. Yes our lives are better in all possible ways, but its also more shallow.

]]>https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/10/24/loss/feed/0raconteur_157x150conradkotzeA woman needs a man like a fish needs a Bicycle.https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/10/24/a-woman-needs-a-man-like-a-fish-needs-a-bicycle/
https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/10/24/a-woman-needs-a-man-like-a-fish-needs-a-bicycle/#respondTue, 24 Oct 2017 07:32:46 +0000http://conradkotze.wordpress.com/?p=1460And he said to her;

If I don’t have power or possessions why would you choose me?

Because why would you need me unless to provide for you, protect you.

]]>https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/10/24/a-woman-needs-a-man-like-a-fish-needs-a-bicycle/feed/0Weak manconradkotzeWhy the caged birds dont sing.https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/09/25/why-the-caged-birds-dont-sing/
https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/09/25/why-the-caged-birds-dont-sing/#commentsMon, 25 Sep 2017 18:57:21 +0000http://conradkotze.wordpress.com/?p=1393I have met women in the past few years that are caged.

They are caged by their ex husbands.

They accept and take on the role of complete parent.

The men disappear.

They pay their maintenance or house and car and then disappear. They dont interact with the kids they avoid the wife and the responsibilities that goes with being a parent.

If the women are lucky they do their one weekend per month.

These women take on the role of custodian, caregiver, father and mother.

They dont have lives, they dont have friends they dont have boyfriends or lovers.

We see these women struggle through life, sacrificing their lives, but where ARE the men.

They are always coping, always on time always at work, reliable and dependable. There for the kids.

The gilded cages of maintenance and responsibilities that the men abdicate upon these women keep them caged and dependant and depressed.

They cant escape, they cant hide, the kids and responsibilities takes its toll. In a lot of these cases there is very little or no support system in place. No time for themselves.

The birds in the gilded cages goes through the routines of everyday life, the monotony and drudgery of raising children all by themselves.

They are shunned by new boyfriends and lovers because no one wants to become an instant father of 2 or even 3 to 4 new children. Whole new family that becomes your responsibility now. So they become isolated and alone. Combined families are work and very few if any actually succeed. In an instant in extended families like these there is no time for love there is no time for getting to know the other new partner , there is no time for bringing someone else into your life there is just suddenly work. Suddenly added responsibilities for the new partner for you. They understand that no one wants this

They know this, they are not stupid.

They still in most instances have the dreams of young lovers that the white picket fence will come, the knight will arrive and release them from this cage that the previous knight has locked them into.

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Maya Angelou

]]>https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/09/25/why-the-caged-birds-dont-sing/feed/1caged birdsconradkotzeAnd she saidhttps://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/09/21/and-she-said/
https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/09/21/and-she-said/#respondThu, 21 Sep 2017 19:50:41 +0000http://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/09/21/and-she-said/Being in a relationship as a divorced person has a whole range of complications.

How do you tell children they are not the centre of ur universe anymore.

All of this leads to conflict. Leads to quite caring loving people turn into new enemies in a fight for your love and attention.

In trying to unknot this Gregorian knot someone asked the following question for clarification When you are trying to build new relationships and new extended families this question serves as a clarion call for the feelings and emotions scattered all over the barren fields of your soul.

How important is it for you to have her/him in your life?

Are you prepared to sacrifice everything you have now. Built up over years after a divorce for that person.

And then, the question in the end boils down to that.

How important is it for you to have that person in your life?

You ask the question in silent desperation

And she said……..

Silence.

]]>https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/09/21/and-she-said/feed/0conradkotzeThe contradiction of Love.https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/06/28/the-contradiction-of-love/
https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/06/28/the-contradiction-of-love/#respondWed, 28 Jun 2017 10:30:03 +0000http://conradkotze.wordpress.com/?p=1317We all want to be loved for whom we are. We all want someone that accept us as we are. We all want to be loved on our terms, and on our needs. We want to feel accepted nurtured and embraced. We all want intimacy with the one we love and care for.

The only way we can ever feel that is to allow someone into our safe personal space. To give up our boundaries that keep our heart safe. That keeps the monsters outside.

Imago says we look for someone like our caregivers as our relation partner. All of us come from broken relationships in our forming years we are all damaged one way or the other. Becuase perfection does not exist in the realms of human experience.

We are fed an illusion of what life and relationships should be like. A lot of that illusion is that it’s infatuation, not love relationships and hard work on an adult level.

We marry the illusion and divorce when we can’t find the illusion in our partners.

The love paradox lies in the fact that we can only love others as we love ourselves. Our love of self becomes a reflection of what we see and want for ourselves. And if we can’t give that to ourselves how can we expect others to.

The love that lasts is the love that sees us as more of our limited view of ourselves.

The ones that believe that we are awesome, great and the best thing they ever found. That’s the illusion, but they believe it. And they stick to that story.

Helen Fisher a relationship biologist says that the main reason for sustaining a loving and caring long term committed relationship is exactly that. Your partner agreeing to see you in a better light than what you see yourself and keep on doing that irrespective of the proof otherwise.

The contradiction of love lies in the fact that once we get to love ourselves enough we dont really need anyone to love us. Love then becomes a choice not a need.

]]>https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/06/28/the-contradiction-of-love/feed/0Word-couple-tattoos loveconradkotzeSibling societyhttps://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/06/26/sibling-society/
https://conradkotze.wordpress.com/2017/06/26/sibling-society/#respondMon, 26 Jun 2017 13:18:32 +0000http://conradkotze.wordpress.com/?p=1229A few years ago I read Sibling Society, a book by Robert Bly, poet and story teller from America. The main theme of the book was how to reclaim the forgotten art of adulthood, if we can call it an art or a necessesary life cycle. He refers to the people caught up in a sibling society as people that ” face difficulties caused by an inability to reach full maturity” So in theory people that want to stay young hip and contemporary, all the time.

He makes the point that in all societies the elders in the communities used to be treated with reverence. Their knowledge and experience held in high esteem and in high regard.

In the 60’s things started changing with music becoming more available, and the driving force of that music being driven by the youth. The financial rewards that it created for the “outsiders” the rule breakers made them icons made them worthwhile to emulate in being successfull and famous. Those two words Famous and success are new definitions of values to be achieved. The youth and the outliers and the rebels found a voice. That voice was music. Technology gave them a voice, their voice driven by the financial rewards became some of the biggest industries yet to be seen by any generation. Technology made it possible for the new voices, the desolate the lonely the trampled to have a voice. The lonely, the ones with issues, issues with adults with responsibility. Exposure was given to the problem children, the ones with issues with mummy , with daddy.

The holders of legacies and structure was out voted with the sheer success and prevelance of the new. Music and entertainment became the drivers of our news, our culture and in the end our identities. The personal vandettas against parents was fought and won in the dance halls and disco’s later on to the Rock generation.

Inherently the entertainment industry is dependent on people that does not like to and wont use the faculty of self control and delayed gratification. From a monetary perspective you cant have people not consuming your unending stream of new and even more absurd but entertaining newbies. They become the new trend setters and the new “IN” thing, that what children and teenagers aspire to. The need to be different becomes bigger than the drive to conform, to succeed within the confines of society.

With our focus so clearly set in instant and self gratification the ones that can do and do use delayed gratification has been moved to the outside the impediments to change to the new has been sidelined.

The new executives are 20 and 30 somethings, having no knowledge of history and precedent. It has served us well in the sense that we have moved “forward ” at enormous speeds. We have more change and more wealth than ever in the history of human existence.

What has been left behind and we are starting to see in our societies is that the system is collapsing and dissolving under the pressure of lack of care. It is the adults that are not present that are not guiding the growth, taking the responsibility. We have sidelined adulthood and adult behaviour to a later stage, postponed it, to when we are old and decrepid. Unfortunately life does not work like that, it needs structure , balance and containment. There are no free lunches, you have to pay for the excesses of the now.

The free for all that the Siblings have created is killing the planet, the ecosystems and the soul of our societies.

I have made a list of the difference in behaviours between those caught in what Robert Bly calls the Sibling society and also a list of what it means to live in a adult society.

Herewith my list, not exhaustive or anything just a list as I see it of people and charactaristics of people that have a wish and need to never grow up.

Need for freedom

need for equality

No accountability

no responsibility

Feelings over thinking

Identity politics

No boundaries

Belief in a political or other eutopia

Lack of respect of people

Feelings of injustice.

anything/everything goes.

the overemphasis of the feminine in society

Those that are not all caught up in the Sibling society tend to have a differnt set of charactaristics.

Structure

rules

responsibilities

accountability

experiece

Compassion

Husbandry

boundaries

A focus of also the importance of the male in society.

consequence

Results

One can walk into any new age kind of orgnization and elements of the first one will be present. It seems like in the more structured careers like finance,construction and manufacturing these elements are less prevelentI think lagely there are more males present as well as a building will collapse with theory if not built according strict rules and structures.

They have no memory of war, the ugliness of killing people for a dogma. They are all for love and freedom, the shadow side of the human has been hidden from them. They cant deal with the shadow of adulthood. They live with their parents, cant find a job or a “career” that pays enough. Adulthood comes when the shadow of the human existance has been seen confronted and internalized and accepted as part of every one of us.

Our society is teethering on the brink of choas. Its the abdication of responsibility and of the Sibling Society and their free for all and anything goes mindset.

In South Africa we have a variety of movements or mobs that espouce sibling behaviour and demands. Our society is one where we broke down an injust and suppressing system but we are allowing the teenagers to design where our new society should go.

I am concerned. It is like giving the keys to your house to your child on university and asking them not to thrash the house while you are out on hilday. We are being held ransom by siblings running amok with our institutions and society, they are by a sheer volume of numbers the majority, they have the power to change things. They have the technology and media and lack of willingness for confrontation of the adults on their side.

We are a society in decline given over to teenagers and Siblings that are fighting how to divvie up the spoils of absent parents.