Monday, November 12, 2012

Why, God??

Some days it seems like I am being crushed under the weight of despair. And that God is absolutely against us. Why else would the new patient on my first day back to work be Reagan? When, in 3 years, there has never been a patient with that name in the clinic. And why would he choose to have us sit directly in front of the unwed woman who was 25 weeks pregnant on our flight? And why, this morning as I log on to Facebook for the first time so I can accept the friend request of my new cousin who just married into the family, is there a girl who announces with such joy that she "can't wait to meet my daughter this morning...headed to the hospital"??

We read from Psalms last night, and chapter 38 seems to grasp how I feel. "I am feeble and utterly crushed. I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before you, Lord, my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes."

How do you ever recover from this grief? How can I ever move forward again? We picked up her urn late last week and its like a new piece of me crumbled inside. And we started talking about her memorial service last night. How is this right? I keep thinking it can't be true, and that I will wake up from this awful nightmare. And then I close my eyes and I see her last ultrasound - with her empty chest. And I feel the shock and terror of that moment all over again, the moment when I realized my baby girl was gone. And I want to just curl up in bed and stay there forever. There is just too much pain.

3 comments:

Meghan, I realized this morning that I had not seen any new posts from you on Facebook so I logged onto your blog and read the crushing news of your loss. There are no adequate words to comfort you in your grief. I just want you to know that you are loved and people are praying for you.

Meghan, my heart breaks for you. The pain you feel is something that can only be understood by those who have lost a child. I lost my baby, Avery, back in July of 2008. I still remember every detail of that awful day, and I always will. I know that right now the pain is so strong that it seems like it will never get better, and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it will. There will come a day where your heart hurts a little less, not because "you get over it", or because you forget, but because God is gracious. After I lost my little Avery, I clung to Jeremiah 29:11....it was like a life preserver for me. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". God has plans for your future, Meghan. You have to trust that He knows your heart and will protect it. He will show you His plans for you in His timing. But just like he has plans for you, he also had a plan for your sweet Reagan. His plan was to have her in Heaven with Him....unfortunately a lot sooner than you would have chosen. And even though it may not seem like it right now, you will feel joy again. Cling to the Lord, and trust Him to get you through this, because He is the only one that can. Please know that you have the prayers and support of those who care about you, and those who have been there.Amber Frickel (McDonald)

I honestly feel guilty at times so I haven't known how to reach out to you without being a reminder, but know that you are constantly on my heart and in my prayers. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it doesn't seem fair in any way, but I know we love and serve a God who sees the big picture of it all. So many prayers are lifting you up right now, I hope you feel them!