Five male sex toys you totally need to check out

Are you one of those people who has to buy the next new gadget just to say you were the first? Well, I have some sex toy recommendations for you – and they come with the added bonus that they’re really bloody cool.

Every time I log on to SexToys, I head straight to the ‘new releases’ section. Mainly because I am a total slag for anything new and shiny – what can I say? But I worry sometimes that the toys I highlight on this here blog tend to be skewed towards what I can use myself: awesome vibrators, fetish equipment, that kind of thing.

Let’s redress the balance, shall we? Here are five new male sex toys that you need in your life.

Hands up: I am a sucker for any kind of masturbator. While I’m enthusiastic with hand jobs, I fully appreciate that the ones I can give to people I’ve slept with won’t be a patch on what they can do themselves. So I’m constantly on the lookout for masturbators with interesting internal textures and the kind of ridges and bumps I simply couldn’t replicate with my own fair hands.

The Go Surge is the latest release from Fleshlight and oh my god just look at it. LOOK AT IT. The weird textures! I need one of these in my life. Men I know need one of these in their lives. We ALL need one of these in our life.

OK, so I’ve never actually used a pump on a guy I’ve been with. I don’t know why – maybe this is something I should try out. If you’ve used one, get in touch in the comments (or leave a product review). I would like to hear about it in detail, for ‘research.’ What I like about this kit, though, is that it’s not just a pump: it also comes with cock rings and a prostate probe. Just add a decent lube and you have all the ingredients for a truly executive wank.

It’s a machine that does all the work for you. What’s not to love? This is essentially a hands-free wank, although be careful – I’m guessing that won’t hold up in court if you get caught using one on the motorway.

Yes, this is exactly what you think it is: a dildo with the Batman logo on it. One of the things I love most about working with SexToys, and generally being active in the sex industry, is just how often you come across things that would never have occurred to you. Yet suddenly, when someone creates them, you go ‘YES. THE WORLD NEEDS THIS. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND?’

This toy – along with others in the range such as x, Y and Z, is clearly the product of a meeting in which someone said:

“You know, I think we need some superhero dildos.”

And, instead of telling them ‘no’, like a killjoy boss would do, the actual boss said, in their most serious voice:

“Yes. Absolutely. Make it so.”

Words cannot express just how much sheer joy this brings me, so please encourage the company to do more cool shit like this by buying their superhero dildos. They’re not just for men, and not just for arses: anyone can buy and enjoy one of these brilliant things. If my other half is reading: I’d like the Hulk dildo please.

I’m cheating, because this isn’t a new release. It’s actually been out for a while, but given that not every single guy I know has heard of it yet, I figure it’s new enough that I should shout about it here. Pulse (both Duo and Solo) is genuinely innovative (which is a hard thing to be in a world where we spend so much time playing with our genitals you’d have thought we’d got all the different methods covered by now) and it’s also great for people who might struggle with traditional masturbators such as the Fleshlight.

The company that makes Pulse has also been doing sterling work for people with disabilities, and their toy can be used even if you have limited manual dexterity or you don’t have an erection.

It’s definitely this, and not because I have a giant crush on the tattooed guy they use in their marketing images, that is the reason I’m putting them at number one.

So: whether you’re into masturbators, power toys or dildos, I hope you can agree that there’s almost certainly something here for you. If not? Well, keep an eye on the new releases, and check out all the other male sex toys there are on offer: everyone’s bedside drawer needs at least one.

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