Send me email updates about messages I've received on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.
By signing up, you certify that you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
Privacy Policy.

Your Marriage Can Survive if You Let Go of the Past - What old issues are you holding onto that you need to let go?

During our first therapy session,
the counselor asked us to share the issues we had with each other. As
you might imagine, listening to your spouse list off everything about
you that frustrates him can be pretty tough.

But when the therapist asked him if I'm still doing all those things, most of which were postpartum, hormone-related anxiety and control issues that I completely acknowledge and have apologized for profusely, he said "no."

And that's when she said something I've been wanting to hear for a really long time.

The
difference between the set of issues I have with my husband and the
ones he has with me is that he continues to do all of them, even after
he sort of apologizes, and says he won't do it again. Most of these issues are related to his own parents and have little to do with me. But they continue to hurt me over and over again.

But the issues he has with me are old. I no longer push him out of
parenting decisions like I did when I had my oldest daughter (now 8). We
discuss pretty much every big decision, and I respect
his role as a parent of the kids, mostly because we have four kids now
and I need the help, but also because I'm not breastfeeding and full of
raging postpartum hormones.

I rarely, if ever, yell at him in front of the kids, and if I do, I'm
always apologetic about it, even making sure the kids hear me when I
tell him I'm sorry.

So when the therapist told him that at some point he just has to let a lot of that stuff go, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Because I can't continue to pay the price for old sins over and over.

There was no feeling of justification. No desire to get up and do
some sort of "I told you so" dance, even though I've told him time and
time again that it's the fact that he keeps doing these things that
hurts me. If he could just stop, the onus would then be on me to either
walk away or stick with him and let it go.

Now the counselor has put the onus on him to do the same. I hope he
steps up. Not because I want to be right, but because I think it will
help our marriage.

Send me email updates about messages I've received on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.
By signing up, you certify that you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
Privacy Policy.