Tuesday, October 23, 2012

1) "We don't need to take all those hangers home. No, we don't. NO. I am not making room in the Jeep for fifty clothes hangers. Fifty scarves, absolutely, but hangers, HELL NO."

2) "The longer I stand in this tiny shower, the more it begins to feel like a cage of wet. A CAGE OF WET. It's like I'm a cat, and it's early, and I hate water, and now I'm trapped in this horrible CAGE full of WET."

3) "Did you know that we have four kinds of vinegar and also roughly 12 kinds of shampoo? Do you think that's normal? No? Maybe I'm some kind of cheating whore when it comes to vinegar and hair products?"

4) "We are not bringing your 'bottle of ocean' back to Ontario. No. Because it's not a 'bottle of ocean'. That, my dear, is an old water bottle that you filled with stanky ocean harbour water. You've given it sentimental value and I HATE YOU FOR IT."

5) "So I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay at that motel I booked. There are no pictures of the rooms online. And it's called "The Beaver Motor Motel". Northern Ontario sucks and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be murdered there. By a beaver."

6) "Oh, let's see... how was my night... OH. I had a breakdown where I cried because my glasses are all scratched up. So then I Googled ways to make the scratches less visible. Then I rubbed toothpaste all over my glasses because that's what the internet said. It didn't work. My glasses are minty fresh but they're still covered in scratches and now MY EYES ARE BURNING."

7) "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. No. No. NO. We are not going to couch surf at your coworker's cousin's house. Because it's insane. What would we do, show up in the middle of the night and be like 'OH HEEEEY. My mother works with your cousin from Ontario that you hardly know. Let us into your home!' We've already agreed to stay overnight with one of dad's buddies from university- I think that's enough awkward for one road trip, okay?"

9) "Yes. I was alone all day long so I ate the cookies. Packing stresses me out, okay? I am not sorry."

10) "I brought the scissors with me as a weapon. Stop laughing! I was looking at scary things on the internet when you called me to come and pick you up, so on my way out the door I grabbed the scissors. It's dark and stormy out! Scissors would be useful if I ran into a bad guy! ... Well, no, I don't think I could actually stab anyone, but I could probably stab a bear. Or, better yet, since they're scissors, if I came across a bear I'd be like, SNIP SNIP, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON'T HAVE EARS ANYMORE!"

Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Prince: "Okay, well, you know how you see all those things on Pinterest, and then you're like 'Let's get a giant wooden spool to use as a coffee table?'"

Me: "Yes..."

The Prince: "Well, I found this gun rack at work the other day. Apparently a customer left it and no one else wanted it. I thought maybe I could put it in the back of the Jeep as an organzier, so I adopted it and now it's a repurposed-gun-rack-organizer."

Me: "Let me be straight with you. This thing is a piece of shit and we're getting rid of it. Now."

Me: "It takes up so much space! AND it's BABY BLUE. Some hillbilly slapped together a few hunks of wood, painted the whole thing baby blue and called it a gun rack, and now, thanks to your profound stupidity, this atrocity has made its way into MY LIFE."

The Prince: "I'm keeping the gun rack."

Me: "NO. We need all the space in the back of the Jeep to carry my things home to Ontario, and believe me, that gun rack is not coming with us. I'm leaving it on the side of the street for a freegan to pick up."

The Prince: "Maybe I'll just get a gun for the gun rack, and then what will you do?"

Me: "Honestly?"

The Prince: "Honestly."

Me: "I WILL SHOOT YOU. I WILL SHOOT YOU FOR ADOPTING A HILLBILLY GUN RACK."

Me: "Nora, we are not going to tell The Prince what actually happened here. We're not telling him that I didn't put it in park. This whole ordeal is all his fault. We're going to say that the cop did something magical to make it start."

Nora: "Okay. I'm on board with the plan."

And then later, when we picked The Prince up from work:

Me: "Hi sweetie."

The Prince: "Hey guys."

Me: "So, I hate your Jeep."

The Prince: "You couldn't start it because it was still in gear, am I right?"

Me: "No, you're not right."

The Prince: "I know I'm right. The truth is written all over your face and even Nora's face."