Sexual Abuse as a child

Category Archives: Religion

In the area I live in one of the first questions you might be asked is, where do you go to church? Now days my answer is nowhere. I’ve been to many churches in my years of life and have discovered that going to church now causes me undue anxiety and problems. Sure, I learned some things about the Bible, good things mostly, but I also learned how to be judge mental of those that weren’t like me, angry at the things in the world to the point of being almost radical, and I learned that it contains a lot of people that stay in their own little groups. I’m not saying don’t go, I’m not saying all churches are bad, but I am saying if you’re relying on that to have a relationship with God, you are truly missing the boat.
If you truly want to know if God exists scientifically you’ll never figure that one out. But if you want to first-hand account of what he can do, you talk to someone like me that’s been to hell and back and still believes he exists. Because I will tell you right now my God exists, no, the only God exists. Jesus, you know, his father is also my father.if you want to know about it then you talk to someone that has been through drug addiction, abuse of any kind, the loss of children, etc.

Chances are if you don’t believe in God, it’s because you never really trusted in him ever to begin with. If you’re waiting for somebody to zap you into shape, or to magically get rid of your problems, well that’s not God. If you truly get on your knees and humble yourself and don’t ask for the mountains to be moved in front of your face, you’ll get an answer. It may not be the one that you want, but, remember you asked God for his advice because evidently you don’t have the answers, right?

My church consists of my God first and foremost, and my family, and one close friend. I can worship with them, pray with them, and feel more safe with them then I ever feel within the walls of the so-called church. I’m telling you here and now don’t blame God for the problems you see within a church, it’s the people in that church causing the problems the same as you get out in the regular world with people walking on the sidewalk. If you need that kind of established worship then have at it, but I’m telling you it sure as hell ain’t for me!

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

When you love someone, you protect them, stand up for them, they can count on you no matter what mistakes they make. Too many people throw that word, Love, around lightly, then when a big problem arises, they’re ready to throw in the towel.

In the past, I was guilty of this. I don’t want to throw those words around any more. I don’t want to tell anyone I love them, unless, I’m willing to back those very important three words up.

This goes for spouses, family, friends and Christians. Self professed Christians sometimes say those words way too much. If you gossip about someone, you don’t love them. If you give someone an ultimatum, you don’t love them. How could you? If you are ready to throw a relationship away at the first sign of trouble, well, that causes fear. That’s not perfect love.

So many times in the past, people have told me they love me, but when I did something they didn’t agree with, or didn’t meet up to their standards, they abandoned me. Left me high and dry. With nothing, but hurt feelings and distrust. Please don’t do that to someone. Love them with your whole heart. Stand by them through thick and thin. You never know when it could be the last day, hour or minute that you ever see them again.

So many times in life, if you are a true mother, you pray and wish the best for your children. You give birth, change diapers, teach them, and so forth. You try to teach them right from wrong, and also try to protect them. As for me, I lie in wait for them to be taken from me, like I deserve to be punished. Why would I think I need to be punished, as if I have lived some horrible life, that deserves pain. I am human, and have had many heartaches, but the heartache of seeing my children in pain, whether it be health or other issues, sometimes is almost unbearable. I sometimes blame myself, like God must be punishing me. He doesn’t do that does he? Helpless, I’m helpless when it comes to helping my oldest daughter and her health issues. I hate it. I wish it were me instead. What can I do, but pray and hope a God, that honestly, sometimes I see as cruel, intervenes and heals her. I get so confused and angry. I don’t know what I believe sometimes. I do believe God is real, but I also believe that man has made some grave mistakes in the interpretation of things. I get so scared that I will lose the people I love, like I lost my daddy when I was a baby. Abandonment, I have experienced it any more than one way. I put up barriers to keep from getting hurt or disappointed. I never get excited about anything any more, I’m afraid to. Oh dear Lord, how I want to scream at something or someone. Punch someone, hurt someone. Instead, I cry and stare into space. I draw a blank.

I have been having such a rough month, I had a horrible reaction to hair dye and am now on my 3rd round of steroids. Yet, I’m still getting up and going, trying to do the usual routine. I have had no sleep, I still stay up when I’d rather be in bed, just to give someone some time and company. Today, I woke up tired, yet positive. One word, one phrase can ruin someone’s whole day and attitude, well, today it happened to me. Most days are difficult for me, a fight, a struggle to not think of the past. I push through though and have been doing a bang up job most days. Some days I feel so under appreciated, and taken for granted. Today, was one of those days. It puts you in such a funk when someone is selfish enough to think of only themselves when they spew stupid things out of their mouths. Bad day? Uh, yep. Thinking about it though, 7 years of the same type of bad day, that shouldn’t happen any more at all. I am growing numb to certain things. My emotions aren’t much any more. I have less sympathy than ever. I am not Pollyanna, every day is not a bed of roses, or at least not without the thorns. I want to be loved, and cherished. Am I cherished? How many faces do I wear, and how many faces do those around you wear? Daily face, church face, ok face, fake smile face, I’m perfect face, I’m better than you face, etc….. Hypocrisy. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Walk the talk. Today, I’m not positive, so sue me. Sometimes I just don’t want to try. Today is one of those days, why? Because someone was selfish enough to start my day off with harsh words. I’m tired, today I’m not trying, maybe I will tomorrow.

Yesterday I was a little down, sometimes you have those days. I got home after going to a store that carries all natural beauty products and herbs. I’m allergic to everything I think. Some days, I wonder what my purpose is. Does God still plan on using me, even though I don’t do much, and I sometimes question people and even Christianity? When I got home, I got on Facebook to do my usual book promotions over the internet. When I got on, I had already liked a page called, Lacey Sturm Rock Princess-Revelations. Lacey is the former lead singer of Flyleaf, one of my favorite bands. She has written a book called The Reason: How I Discovered A Life Worth Living. I had messaged this page to let them know, I had also written a book and I felt that Lacey and I had a lot in common. I didn’t expect a response, but someone from the page, called, Josue, contacted me. Amazing, I don’t know if he knows Lacey, but I gathered that he did, and he said he had forwarded my message to Lacey. Long story short, God used Josue to let me know, God is still there, willing to use me to help others. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to know Lacey, but she struggled with an obsession with death and thinking of suicide, as I also had most of my life. I know that if we ever do get a chance to talk, we can help people together. Suicide is no joke and it’s a permanent decision to a temporary state of mind. People with a like cause can move mountains as long as a person puts their lives in the hands of an all knowing God. If you don’t you will be walking in the dark. Read my book Forgiveness Not Permission and Lacey’s book, you will truly see that God is there and he can bring you out of the big black cloud!!!!

I had such a good discussion with my children today, they’re very wise young women. I was raised in the bible belt as were they, under strict (religious), teaching. Notice that I parenthesized RELIGIOUS, because, I know there is a difference in a relationship with the one and only true God and the duties of a religion. In saying that, since I have a grandbaby on the way, we were discussing topics that concern us on raising this child without conflict.

So my youngest and I told my daughter that we would always try to not contradict what she teaches her little girl, with our own opinions or beliefs. The discussion brought up, my mother and the child molester she is married to. My oldest, of course, does not want any of us, rightfully so, to stop and talk to either of them when this little grandchild of mine has been brought into the world. My exact wishes of course, it should be common sense after my mother was given a choice to leave this man or she wouldn’t see the baby, yet, she chose to stay with who I will call, “That Man.” Her choice, right? Now here is where I do not understand the confusion with “religious” people, now I remind you, I am a Christ believer, with a personal relationship with God. DIFFERENCE, religion, is: A religion is an organized collection of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to an order of existence. Many religions have narratives, symbols, and sacred histories that are intended to explain the meaning of life and/or to explain the origin of life or the Universe. Do you see the difference?

My daughter explained to her other Grandmother and Grandfather that they were not to stop and talk to my mother and “That man,” while with the grandchild. Their reaction was, “I”M NOT GOING TO BE RUDE,” Really? My daughter expressed a wish for the protection of her child and you are worried about being rude to a woman that let her own child continue to be victimized for years, even after she knew if had and was happening. It shouldn’t even be a question. A child molester and his wife! The worst thing, is that it was no secret that it had happened to anyone, not even them. I believe the problem is religion and the interpretation there with. My book covers this, Forgiveness IS NOT Permission. Forgiveness is for the person that needs to forgive, to be able to let go and heal, not because it is a duty. Here is Wikipedia’s definition of Forgiveness:

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.[1][2][3] Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).[1] In certain contexts, forgiveness is a legal term for absolving or giving up all claims on account of debt, loan, obligation or other claims.[4][5]Now, do you see the difference. I truly believe that most leaders of churches have taught members and people being counseled, the wrong idea about forgiveness. When my pastor, and church, knew that I had been sexually abused, I should have been told, that it was ok to not have an active relationship with my mother or “That man,” instead it was treated as if it were marriage counseling and the family had to work out this issue. It wasn’t an issue, it was an illegal act against a child that had horrendous effects on my life. Had I been given the proper advice to leave the relationship, my life might be very different. So many effects come from sexual abuse, depression, PTSD, social anxiety disorder, severe anxiety disorder, etc…… Why would a church, pastor, or any official of a church or organization encourage a relationship with a child molester, yet, they do. Why? Forgiveness, and their interpretation there of. Christ like, Christ forgave anyone and everyone, and so we should, but he was also the Son of God that died for our sins. Even the sins of a child molester, if they so chose to except Christ, total other subject though. Let’s put it this way. If I went to my pastor and I said, ” Mom just killed my daughter, I’m so upset and confused, I don’t know what to do!” I would hope they wouldn’t say, “well you have to forgive because you are commanded to by the bible. And because this is your mother, you must forgive her, and then continue to love and cherish the relationship with your mother.” It would be ignorant, wouldn’t it? Yet in many abusive situations, I have seen just this type of advice. When I told people, that were involved in church, or are so called Christians that I had told my mother I couldn’t have a relationship with her, because she was still married to the man that she allowed to hurt me, you would have thought I was the lowest of lows. Wake up people, that was the most mature, healthy decision I’ve ever made and I just wish I had been told earlier it was ok for me to make that decision. Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to tell you, Christian or otherwise, if you are abused, were abused whatever, it’s all right to sever ties with the people that have hurt you or are. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HELL BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR MAMA!!!! FORGIVE, (LET GO), THEN MOVE ON, AWAY FROM THE SITUATION, IT’S NOT SAFE FOR YOU OR YOUR FAMILY TO STAY WITH OR AROUND AN ABUSER. MOLESTERS OR PEDOPHILES DO NOT REFORM, LOOK AT STUDIES. WAKE UP PASTORS, CHURCH GOERS AND CHRISTIANS. PLEASE!!! The continuous exposure to a child molester, and the advice that you’re giving could ruin a family completely and allow a molester to victimize someone else. Oh, and if you know a crime is currently being committed, YOU ARE BOUND BY LAW TO REPORT!!!!! A church or religious organization is not exempt from the law.

I am very touchy on this subject, because people are given very wrong advice sometimes by churches, and of course they follow the advice thinking that, because it’s church, it’s the right advice. Pastors and church leaders really should be more educated about abuse, in all aspects before they give the advice to FORGIVE. Educate yourselves, and make sure the advice you give is right, or you could ruin a lot of lives. Is this harsh? Am I right? Is this biblical. Did God not give His people common sense, did He have to put everything in black and white before we can make decisions? You can Like what I’ve said above or not, I don’t care, I have lived it. I went through all of it, and I know that a life cannot flourish in Christ or outside of Christ if it’s living in the past or in abuse.

Long story short, I am so glad the discussion came about. I know where my daughters stand, I know they are behind me, and I know without a doubt my decision, and their decision to not see my mother every again, is RIGHT!!! Respect our wishes, put yourself in our shoes. If you think we should still see my mom and her husband, well, you give it a try first. Let my mom baby sit your child or grandchildren with “That man,” in the house, and then tell me that you felt comfortable, safe and at total ease with either of them alone with your precious children. Then we’ll talk, although, your opinion wouldn’t matter to me unless it was right. 😉