Spoof news stories from Sunday 13 June 2010

THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS, Colorado - Selena Gomez and her mom Mandy recently visited the famous Continental Divide in the state of Colorado after winning the "Win a Trip To The Continental Divide" contest sponsored by a local radio station in Santa Monica...

Outback Australians were told to stay indoors to avoid being struck by an out of control piece of space shit.
The Japanese asteroid space probe returned to earth via the great Australian Outback, near a military site in South Australia.
Rail an...

WASHINGTON DC - An incident report stating that President Obama had been "threatened" about 10 weeks after being sworn into office may have had "omissions." A Secret Service spokesman stated, "a more accurate description of the event would be to the...

Aussies can't stand Sydney! Or is that Sydney can't stand Aussies?
In a audit of which City rates the best to worse, Sydney came in first as being the most congested and unaffordable City to live in not to mention the folk who appear to be right u...

London - A beaming David Cameron was proud to announce today "The British economy is poised to rebound from it's current dip by a steady rise in the near future."
Using a graph to prove his point Cameron explained "This graph shows a low spot that...

All nuclear power stations in the UK will be phased out and replaced by ex Holland football mid-fielder Edgar Davids before the end of 2012.
Davids will begin generating Britain's electricity after the 2010 World Cup is over in July. He will start...

Cher's former daughter, Chastity, now son Chaz, is reportedly celebrating her to his sex change operation and four years with girlfriend Jennifer in L.A.
There was no sight of Cher, but those close to her say she is still upset that her daughter b...

Critics have blamed England's poor performance in their opening World Cup game against the USA on 'eccentric' training sessions in which the players practice with bricks instead of footballs. The bizarre technique was recently introduced by coach Fab...

"It is a day of infamy", stated a very upset President Obama. "I have decided that we will never allow this oil company to live down it's actions over the past months. Every time a ship or someone on the shore looks to the south of the United States,...

There's more to London's Lord Mayor and tousled albino toff Boris Johnson than meets the uninformed eye, according to a new study, writes Pseudo-Science Correspondent, Quentin Baffle.
Most people think of Boris - who has recently been in the news...

It is no secret that Tiger's golf game has not been the same since the Thanksgiving Day incident in which he had the hell beaten out him by his putter-wielding wife. Following a lengthy investigation into his sexual history, Mr. Woods under went an...

Printing more greenbacks than ever before, the presses at several of the Nation's currency factories have had to be shut down due to large plumes of smoke wafting from the internal gears which provide their power.
"It's just not a good situat...

Staff at the local Bethany Christian Trust Shop were surprised when they opened some boxes which former PM Gordon Brown had donated.
Mr Brown who had to vacate his Downing Street home in May had promised the items to the charity shop in his con...

Houston, TX-- A 10-mile wide asteroid is expected to rocket through the atmosphere this afternoon and hit the Gulf of Mexico. The asteroid is heading right for the oil volcano and should be just big enough to plug the gusher and seal it tight. Scie...

Legend has it that 13th-century cool chick Rose of Viterbo stood for hours on a raging pyre without being burned, which is one kick-ass party trick, and could see into the future. What was not known was why this fun-at-parties momma is dead.
Rose...

Seventeen-year-old Miley Cyrus has confessed that she has a boyfriend and that, 'tee hee.... We live together."
Yes, little Miley seems all grown up now after doing a stripper's pole dance on TV and the sexy "Can't Be Tamed" hit but friends and fa...

FLAGSTAFF, Arizona - Crystal Bowersox was in Arizona with her baby visiting the Grand Canyon before it gets boarded up as per President Obama's Special Presidential Order.
Bowersox, who came in second behind the winner Lee DeWyze, was asked how th...

71 risk-takers were sickened from eating tainted Subway hoagies in 22 counties in Illinois. This number is said to be the lowest single-day total for people sickened after eating food from Subway.
No specific food was found to be responsible but S...

"Hold still."
"I--goddamn it! That hurt!"
"I told you to hold still."
"Where the hell did you get your license, out of a box of Weetabix?"
"No, I cut it off a box of Cap'n Crunch. Now hold still."
I woke up this morning as a person with his injured thumb screaming more painfully than all the fucking vuvuzelas in South Africa. In other words, as myself. The only inspiration I had...

Racy lyrics has led Wendy's Hamburgers to pull a CD from their kid meals. The kid's can send in for a free CD, postage paid. Among the different version were these Top 12.
12. I Want Your Sex
11. Glory Box
10. Let's Spend The Night Together
9. Lay Lady Lay
8. Sexual Healing
7. Love You Inside Out
6. Afternoon Delight
5. Do You Think I'm Sexy
4. Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta L...

PORT SULPHUR, Louisiana - The former governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, who has recently been dubbed Saint Sarah, by her husband Todd, is fit to be tied, literally.
Speaking with the Fox Network's 'non-fox' Greta Van Susteren, Palin said that she tra...

Jodie Foster has been accused by the father of a 17-year-old teen of beating up his son physically and with a verbal assault.
Foster had reported that a member of the paparazzi had followed her and her two kids from a theater to the car, jamming...

A technical glitch in ITV's coverage of the World Cup match between England and the USA caused everyone watching in High Definition to miss the England goal. As Steven Gerrard was slotting England's first goal of the tournament past the USA goalkeep...

The makers of the Grand Theft Auto video games have been placed in charge of creating the new scenario's involved in the Hazard Avoidance section of the Driver Theory Test.
Test victims must now watch newly recorded clips of various traffic and pe...

England and West Ham United goalkeeper Robert Green has received a CBE from the Queen in recognition for his outstanding performance in goal against the USA in the World Cup.
The Queen, who is a big German football fan, was delighted to see the En...

London - (Vermin): The top suspect in last week's horrendous twins attack has been at it again.
Defence Scretary Dr Liam Fox was accused today of being behind the 'ritual mauling' of chief of defence staff Air Chief Marshal Sir Jock Stirrup.
Po...

In the wake of Sarah Palin's continuing surge in popularity following the 2008 election, the nation has been caught up in "moose mania." Images of Palin hovering over a moose kill in Alaska have electrified the NRA's membership. Bumper stickers sayin...

World Cup officials on hand at the USA / England World Cup match were stunned to pearn that nearly 500,000 American TVs were tuned in. This number equals the total amount of Americans that heretofre had ever watched a soccer match on TV.
Revelers...

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, the orange-tinted stereotype who damaged the psyche of all those who watched MTV's Jersey Shore last year, was encountered by an activist vessel while swimming in Seaside Heights, NJ over the weekend.
(The activist vessel...

The man whose meat whistle is prominently featured poking the cervix of Real Housewives Of New Jersey "star" Danielle Staub has implored the film's distributor not to reveal his identity.
"Please, no one can know I was with her," said the anonymo...

Rear Admiral James Watson, a top US Coast Guard official, has given BP just 48 hours to improve their containment of leaking oil.New US government data shows that the flow of leaking oil could be double that of original estimates.
He does not beli...

Government officials have given shoot to kill instructions to security forces in a bid to stop ethnic rioting; 80 people have died so far as a result of the violence.
Since President Kurmanbek Bakiyev's overthrow in April 1000's of people have bee...

Three people have been taken to hospital with injuries resulting from a huge gas explosion. There are around 20 ground floor flats affected in Bentley, North Yorkshire.
All three emergency services are still on the scene, and are assessing the str...

Readers of The Spoof would have realised immediately why Robert Green fumbled the ball which resulted in the U.S.A. scoring a decisive equaliser against England.
My sensational reports 'World Cup Shock for England' and 'Bees endanger World Cup' ha...

The US boys proved a point yesterday after they filled their tanks with junk food and run all over England filled with spaghetti and tortellini's.
Fabio Capello especially was critical of his "slippery cock up" keeper, very green, Green.
"We wa...

Lewis Hamilton is under the spotlight once again. Security staff were called to his hotel room last night following an incident with the cleaner of his room.
Throughout the day Hamilton was seen to be in an agitated mood which a close friend confi...

With Democrat chances looking rather slim for the upcoming election in November, Barney Frank, a staunch and loyal member of his party, is considering life after politics.
"I nevwhere con sid whered dis beff whare in my wife," said Barney Fra...

Failing in her attempt to sail around the world, sixteen year old Abby Sunderland was rescued by a ready, willing and able group of young Somali Pirates who had managed to sail several thousand miles out of their own jurisdiction just for the privile...

INTERCOURSE, Pennsylvania - The producers of The Housewives of Intercourse, Pennsylvania have verified that they have signed Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron to make a guest appearance on the Bravo Network show.
Seth and Shirley Firkin said that the...

3200 KMS West of the Australian Coastline
Eye witnesses on an Australian QANTAS aircraft sent to locate missing world circumnavigation sailor ABBY SUNDERLAND claim to have seen several Israeli Blackhawk helicopters circling Abby Sunderland's yacht...

This is a little disturbing.
I just checked out my favourite satirical website, and right there on the writers' forum there's a proposal that the writers start a piggy back collaboration story.
Nobody seems sure yet which way they'd like it to go. I can sympathise with that. I mean, where do you start? You see, there aren't any guidelines and there's no established structure.
I want to ta...

At least that's what Kindles (Amazon's electronic readers considered, in some quarters, to be rivals of iPads) advised when it was revealed this week that some iPad users had some of their data leaked.
Head Kindle Hedda was quick to comment. "...

THOUSAND OAKS, CA - Teen mariner Abby Sunderland, whose attempt to become the youngest person to sail around the world was thwarted when her craft's mast broke in heavy seas in the Indian Ocean, has been rescued from her parents and is being held in...

Seoul, South Korea. Just when you thought things couldn't get any more tense in the Korean Peninsula, something happens to make the comic tension ever worse!
Today Kim Jong Ill announced plans for the entire nation of North Korea to simultaneousl...

It seems that England keeper Robert Green is blaming a pack of hyenas he spotted on a safari trip for his World Cup howler against the USA.
According to the West Ham man's friends, when Clint Dempsey unleashed that half hearted shot at him, he cou...

BOSTON - Naomi Campbell was in town watching the Boston Celtics play the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA Finals.
She was asked if she had been mean to any of her employees lately. Naomi asked "Say wot?"
When asked the question again, she exploded...

After the England football team drew their opening game with the USA 1-1 in Rustenburg, goalkeeper Robert Green has spoken for the first time about his World Cup nightmare.
Green, it was who unwittingly allowed a tame Clint Dempsey shot through hi...

It started early last year when turkeys and chickens began fighting outside the country mansion of the Al Gore family and it hasn't stopped yet.
In May of last year, the former Vice President's daughter Kristin divorced her husband, Paul Cusack.

Presley Carter, the grandson of Billy Carter, was arrested in Nagales, Arizona not far from the Mexican border while trying to smuggle an undetermined amount (at press time) of cocaine inside a package of peanuts.
"He told us that he had went to...

In an attempt to recapture some of the dwindling tourist trade, the Governor of the state of Louisiana has begun a new ad campaign. Instead of saying the the state's beaches are polluted due to the BP oil crisis, they are advertised as being "self-o...

After on again, off again turmoil of her appearing in Transformers 3, Meagan Fox is out to land the starring role of a mermaid in the next Pirates Of The Caribbean movie.
Johnny Depp is said to "like what he sees" and thinks Meagan will do great i...

England's "keeper", Robert Green let the round hockey puck slip right through his hands, and an assured victory against a well-playing USA team turned into a 1-1 tie.
The game, which, according to United States' Eastern Time, was played at 3:30am...

Washington DC: Following the election of President Obama, "The Birthers" tried unsuccessfully, to prove that the new chief executive was not a US born citizen. Now proof comes from various US intelligence agencies and a branch of the armed services t...