(Dave): "I just want to mention one thing. I don't know if we have time to get into it now, but I am suing the State Department of the United States."

(Paul): "You are... Really? What's this about?"

(Dave): "My passport photo."

(Paul): "Yes? Well, please elaborate."

(Dave): "Well, I can't. I'm right in the middle of 'Small Town News.' "

(Paul): "Why did you bring it up?"

(Dave): "I said, I wanted to remind you to let me tell you later."

(Paul): "Remind you. Alright, I'll remind. I'll remind you."

(Dave): "Also, I want to talk about the bombing at the big Don Rickles tribute dinner last night."

(Paul): "Oh, I know. You said you bombed, but you couldn't have been that bad. I'm sure you..."

(Dave, to the camera): "Listen, do me a favor..."

(Paul): "No, you're always good..."

(Dave): "Listen. Don't ever invite me to any kind of function."

(Paul): "No, you're always good at those things."

(Dave): "I'm not comin' to your function, because it was just humiliating..."

(Paul): "People fall all over. They love you at those things."

(Dave, holding up a hand): "Please."

(Paul): "Are you kidding?"

(Dave): "I was there. Were you there?"

(Paul): "Well, I wasn't there, but I'm sure, because you always..."

(Dave): "I want to apologize to Don Rickles and his family..."

(Paul): "No. No. No. No."

(Dave): "To everybody who was in attendance..."

(Paul): "You're making too much of..."

(Dave): "... the producers of the event..."

(Paul): "Get out!"

(Dave): "I'd like to apologize to everybody at the Apollo Theater..."

(Paul): "That's not..."

(Dave): "... in the audience, except for Harvey Weinstein."

(Paul): "Except for him."

(Dave): "I could care less what he thinks."

(Paul): "Alright. But otherwise..."

(Dave): "But other than that..."

(Paul): "No, I can't believe this."

(Dave): "...it was God-awful."

(Paul): "I don't believe it. You can't be serious."

(Dave): "I predicted it. I predicted it two months ago. I said... Maybe I told you this story once before. A dear friend of mine passed away a couple of years ago. And one of his requests was that I speak at the funeral. I was honored. I was touched. I was honored. I get there. There's the funeral program. Guess what! I'm closing. I'm closing the funeral."

(Paul): "Well..."

(Dave): "And so... and it was Passover, and the guy was Catholic."

(audience laughing)

(Dave): "And, so all of his best friends are ahead of me, and I think, 'Oh, my goodness! All of his best friends. That's a lovely thing. They're gonna have lovely stories to tell. I don't really have anything to say about the poor man. Uh, so... we get there, we're sitting there, and it's beautiful, and the church is beautiful, and the friends get up, and they tell heart-warming stories, and you get that wonderful feeling of sharing something really very intimate for the family, and so I get up, and the... the priest, the father introduces me, and I turned to him and I said, 'Thank you, Rabbi.' "

(audience giggling)

(Dave): "And..."

(Paul): "Well, it's a funny opening."

(Dave): "It was a great line."

(Paul): "Funny opening."

(Dave, looking over at Paul): "And then, I started to talk about the departed, and I burst into tears, and that was it!"

(Paul): "Well..."

(Dave): "That was it!"

(Paul): "It was emotional. I'm sure it was emotional."

(Dave): "It was emotional because I had no material! I don't..."

(audience applauding)

(Dave): "It was awful!"

(Paul): "Well, then, so what does this... what does this have to do with last night at the big Don Rickles tribute?"

(Dave): "Same thing. Same thing."

(Paul): "What do you mean, 'same thing' ?"

(Dave): "It was the same thing. By the way, the Apollo Theater... you ought to go up there."

(Paul): "Oh, I love... Of course, I know it is."

(Dave): "Beautiful. I was up there, years and years ago. I think they've redone it a couple of times. It's lovely. And, so all night long, it's this tribute, and I get there. The thing lasted 2½ hours. And I get there, and Regis Philbin is on. And his segment... You think this is long right now, you should have seen the Regis Philbin segment. It was endless! And so, when I thought that, I thought, 'Well, this is easy. I've got nothin' to worry about, if Regis is just out there yakkin' about himself, tellin' stories about when he worked in San Diego, uh... which I personally know is all bull."

(Will Lee): guitar riff

(Dave): "So... I... So now I realize somethin's wrong, because Robert DeNiro, who's been on the show, and just went mute... He was Mute Boy! He sat there like he couldn't hear me, like he was... some sort of... they're waiting for some sort of... You know, when you go to the eye doctor, and they make you sit in the waiting room while the drops take hold? It was like that. He was just..."

(Paul): "He is one of our greatest... No, he's one of... (laughs) He's one of our greatest actors."

(Meanwhile, Dave's gazing around the room as Mute Boy.)

(Dave): "Alright. So then..."

(Paul): "Not necessarily comfortable on the panel of a talk show."

(Dave): "Now he comes out, and he and Martin Scorcese are both drinkin', and they killed!"

(me): Where was I? I looked over at the Late Late Show, and Craig's got this hottie in a tiny black dress, Megan Boone. Sorry.

(Dave): "This is a position of great honor, by the way, and I thank everybody for makin' that mistake. But, I... So now, guess what! Uh, they say, 'OK, Mr. Letterman. Come with us. You're on next.' And I say, 'Who's on right now?' And they say, 'Well, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are gonna come out.' "

(Paul): "Oh, I see."

(audience laughing)

(Dave): "Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly right."

(Paul): "Well, they are very strong."

(Dave): "That's right."

(Paul): "They're very strong..."

(Dave): "I've gotta follow the Wrecking Crew!"

(Paul): "The Wrecking Crew. Ha ha ha!"

(Dave): "And they come out, and it's unbelievable. Everything they say... hilarious! They're so funny, because they are so funny. They're delightful, and they're nice, and they're really, really funny, and people are doin' this." (Dave holds a hand to his forehead, as though in the midst of a dreadful headache, as he places his left hand over his aching tummy.) 'Oh, stop! Please don't! Oh, please. Oh, no more! My ribs!' "

(Dave): "So then... then I come out, and as I predicted, it was 'Mmm, thank you, Rabbi.' And it was.... And then I burst into tears. Ha ha ha ha ha. It was awful! Awful! And then... and then when you bomb (and I always bomb). I mean, we have a tremendous... I can't leave the building. I've been made so comfortable here, in this position, I go someplace else, it never works."