Movie Review on “THE RUINS”

Once upon a time in a land far, far away the malicious Mayans were plotting against their negligent successors and designing sophisticated contraptions. As if divining the inevitable degradation of mankind, they created an apocalyptic calendar setting the Proper Fuck date on Dec. 21, 2012 and built a lot of pyramids full of deathly traps and ancient curses. Some time later they were happily exterminated by Spanish colonizers, but their awful deeds still live on through the ages and await the unsuspecting travelers who dare drop in the impenetrable jungle…

Such happens in Carter Smith’s art film (produced by Ben Stiller, btw) 4 years prior to the 2012 Universal Gig…

The bunch of American teens happily vacationing in Mexico, meet a Greek named Dimitri and a German, I don’t remember his name. Then an offer comes to visit the local sight – an ancient pyramid – a very interesting place, allegedly. It immediately becomes clear that they won’t easily get away with it. So, the group of six teens – four guys and two girls – embarks on the quest for terrible teen adventures…

To be successful, the good teen movie just MUST have chicks with nice boobs and booties, ostentatiously demonstrating them throughout the whole film. “The Ruins” is absolutely all right with this. There’s even a soft sex scene that ensures film’s popularity with adolescents. This is what explains its quite remarkable box office success.

Now then, my dear kids, the pyramid… Of course it has strange Indo-Mexicans lurking around and looking disapprovingly at our protagonists. The adventurers come closer to it, but the armed Indians suddenly run up and do not let the teens get away from the cultural sight. The Indians even come down to shooting their small Indian from the short-barreled gun – so seriously they are all geared up. They also kill the Greek to top it off. The teens have nothing to do but climb up the pyramid and then find themselves in a classic trap: there ain’t no escape (see Armed Indians) and some spooky shit is going on around…

Inquisitive teens immediately set to their explorations by lowering the German down the shaft on a rotten rope. The rope certainly breaks, and the first adventurer breaks his spine. To provide him with a qualified aid, they use the same rotten rope to get down the most valuable team member – the blonde chick with the best ass, – so she could display her charms in the best angle. No need to say she falls down too and impales her thigh. Then the second chick is lowered in the shaft – to help the first one get the German with the broken spine out.

The pyramid is, certainly, ancient, overgrown with local vegetation (suspiciously resembling Cannabis Sativa, btw). The vegetation is vastly represented both on the outside of the pyramid and within. In the pitch black of the dungeons, the pyramidal vegetation negates the laws of photosynthesis and gives lush growth and even lets flowers. Of course, it is this vegetation that represents the spooky pyramidal monster. One night, when the blonde chick was gently jerking off her sweetheart’s in a cozy tent, the pyramidal monster insidiously crept to the disabled German, and then to the blondie, gnawing meat from his paralyzed legs and dipping carnivorous tentacles into the wounds on chick’s succulent thighs.

The morn begins with a cellphone ringing somewhere in the depths of the shaft. “This is the rescue!”, – they certainly think. They take a decision to lower two chicks down at once to see what’s going on. The chicks get down with a pair of torches and see the phone ringing somewhere behind the dark corridor, where everything is thickly overgrown with the aforementioned vegetation. The corridor hides a small chamber where they find the poorly-picked corpse of a man. The cellphone lying next to him is broken beyond repair. And the tempting ringtone they heard turns out to be emitted by the cunning flowers – thus they lure all dumb chicks inside, then attack and scarf them down. These two, however, manage to escape, no matter how hard the plants try to get them. The plants, btw, are not scary at all, thus totally ruining the suspense-ersatz the film is desperately trying to achieve.

One of the teens above turns to be a medical student. After a brief inspection of German’s gnawed legs, he makes a decision: the legs must be cut off before it gets any worse! The leg bones are proposed to be shattered by a cobblestone, as the hunting knife won’t cut them. After a brief discussion and a democratic vote (this is very important: not to lose dignity and to vote for something you know fuck all about), the teens decide the student should know better. After that they smash the yelling German’s bones and saw the meat off with a knife. The keen student then skillfully cauterizes the incisions with a hot frying pan. The howling of the patient scares the shit even out of the Indians, who sit on duty below the pyramid. The carnivorous plants quickly grab the sawn-off feet and devour them. Just a bit later the patient successfully dies, so his legs were definitely not cut off in vain.

The next morning finds the blondie chick lamenting about intruders in her body: indeed, the skin on her thigh and back is crawling with something like huge worms. The future good doctor grabs the knife with no hesitation. Despite her howls, he skillfully rips her thigh and shreds her back, and then pulls out meters of plant worms. The eerie howling of the girl makes Indians wipe sweat from their foreheads. Then the blondie says worms are rummaging in her head, goes mad, starts slicing her head, thighs, ass and everything else; then cuts the good doctor a bit and fatally cuts her sweetheart, whom she was jerking off just one day ago.

Now there are just two teens left: the student and his girlfriend. The situation is so ill that even jerking off is not an option. However, the future doctor is crafty: he coats his girlfriend with blood, as if she’s already dead. Then takes her in his arms, carries to the base of the pyramid, puts on the ground, and then moves aside, cunningly distracting the Indians who ignore the fake corpse. Having stepped away, he shouts the girl’s name (as they had agreed earlier), and she immediately takes to her heels. The Indians quickly kill the student and hark after her. ‘Goes without saying, the chick succeeds in running from them, jumps into a jeep and speeds away. But the plant worm is stirring under her eye…

All in all, it’s a pretty good teen movie, sometimes excelling typical works of the genre by its idiocy. Definitely worth watching once – as it’ll surely give you a good laugh.

The worm under the eye is definitely worth an MTV award!

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