Edge Walker

In my last post, I talked about how hard won most of my me-ness has been in the face of a shitty (understatement) early life. What I rarely talk about, though are the benefits of said shitty early life, and there are some.

I always hesitate to offer this perspective, though, because I never want to be mistaken for minimizing the negative (soul shattering, really) impact of sexual and physical violence on a child, so I’m going to ask you, as you read, to remember that I am in no way saying that what happened to me was a *good thing*. Rather, I am saying that, because I’m a bad ass, I created goodness where there was none.

I’m an edge walker.

This comes as a direct result of having examined my family of origin’s ‘squeaky clean on the outside’ appearance and deconstructing it. It was very important, in my childhood, that everything *seem* okay. I was encouraged to keep my mouth shut (don’t tell!) about what was wrong in the family home in order to preserve appearances.

Thankfully, this led me to really examining, comparing, and contrasting the difference between how things seemed, and how things were. I uncovered misogyny, racism, homophobia, mean-spiritedness, and close-mindedness.

I ran in the other direction as soon as I was able and embraced queerness, multiculturalism, feminism, kindness, and open-mindedness.

I walk several edges as a result of my childhood experiences.

I am queer, and can love men and/or women, though I do tend to find myself attracted to the masculine in either gender. I am open to alternative lifestyles, like polyamory, kink, intentional communities, etc. I reject any ‘one true way’, and have explored my spirituality deeply as a seeker and a mystic. I embrace self-love as a hugely important tool for healing and recovery. I have developed dragon scales that let me try and fail and try again until I get from here to there. I’m resilient as fuck. I live out loud.

I don’t necessarily belong any one place. I dip in and out. I’ve embraced my magpie tendency to cherry pick what’s shiny for me and discard the rest. Thankfully, I’m just edgy enough that I don’t just cherry pick the easy stuff. In fact, sometimes the harder stuff *is* the shiny stuff, as anyone who’s studied with me will attest to.

Walking the edge means no world is closed to me.

It means I can be fully in the world, fully embodied, open to whatever danger & delight (and they often come together) arise for me. I am quick to utter a holy yes to what feels good. I’m quick to utter a holy no to what feels wrong. I stand up to be counted, stand up for, stand up to with ease. I flow between worlds without apology, in full ownership and command of my complexity.

I would not be who I am today had I not experienced the things I experienced.

That doesn’t mean I’m *grateful* for those experiences. I’m not. I’m grateful, however, for my own apparent inherent ability to transform those experiences from what could have ended very, very badly (as it does for many survivors who do not make it through at all) to something that is *waves at all this* instead.

Why, Yes! I AM Full Of My Self.

Some people find me haughty or full of my self. I get it. It honestly doesn’t bother me to be perceived that way because it weeds out people whose self-esteem requires me to be less than I am. I am a bit full of my self. Who else should I be full of? Some people find me self-absorbed, a navel gazer, all too interested in my self. And it’s true that I give equal weight to the importance of my own life when weighed against the importance of everyone else’s. In my term as an edge walker, I’ve learned that I can’t serve from an empty cup, so I do everything I can to keep mine filled to the brim and overflowing.

There is nothing (safe, sane, consensual) I won’t try.

There is no (safe, sane, consensual) pleasure, sensation, experience, delight I won’t indulge in. I am all for it – all of it – and I don’t believe I’d be this way if I hadn’t had to deconstruct what everyone else told me about what’s okay and what’s not. I don’t believe I’d be as willing to be as non-conformist as I am, and I really value how much living outside the box marked ‘acceptable’ has brought into my life.

When it comes to my story – a story that includes stuff no one should ever have to experience – and my own unraveling of all of that, there’s this, too. So if you asked me “If you could wave a magic wand and make all that disappear from your history, would you?”, I’d probably say no.

This is how I became me, and I won’t throw this baby out with the bath water.

Oh beautiful, darling Effy… you know, not only are you not *too much anything* you are a beacon of light to more people than you will ever know. And the thing is, because you are almost 15 years younger than I am, you TEACH me. We, who were born in the 50’s, were in kind of a no man’s land. When the nuns made my mother take me to a psychiatrist when I was 10 because they knew something was very wrong but they didn’t know what? (I was at that time being abused by 2 men, had been for several years already, and was withdrawn, and afraid, and God knows what else they saw) the psychiatrist told my mother I was just a “very sensitive child” and I would grow out of it. There was no language in the cannon at that time about sexual abuse. It wasn’t recognized or discussed. So I was sent home and the abuse continued. I have not been as courageous in my life as you have been. I have always written honestly, I know that I have helped people, but I have never been able to Live Outloud the way you are able to and THANK GOD FOR YOU! I am getting ready to write the book that tells the whole story, from the abuse to terrible choices I made that hurt me and others because of bipolar disorder to living with mental illness and all the rest and to keep on keeping on despite it all. You and I are handling things differently, but just knowing that you are in the world makes MY world a better place to be. Sometimes I watch the BHD over and over. I look SO forward to them every week. Just seeing you, and knowing that you are there, showing up, doing your work, and leading the rest of us along on our own journeys has helped keep me from falling into the abyss more often than you know. I am okay now, my meds, at a very high dose, are finally working, but I know this will only last for an unknown period of time. That’s why I’m doing my 365 day blog experiment now, to try to change my brain so that maybe it will help me hold on and see some light when the darkness descends again. And the reason I’m doing it is because you got me writing again with the September challenge. You’d probably laugh at how often I’ve said to myself WWED (What would Effy do?). Never for one moment think that your work doesn’t matter. It is probably saving more of us than you will ever know.

Here! Here! We are what we are because of past experiences! On occasion my therapist will ask me what I would change if I could…not much I say cause like you it made me what I am! Do I like what happened to me no…do I condone what happened to me? No. But …I didn’t become enlightened to my young life until I was a mature woman…60 years of age. I woke up one day in abject doom and gloom and couldn’t figure out why! I am still a work in progress I like to say.

I have no words to effectively communicate how this post, along with the trigger post, has touched me. I can say that I have reached a point where I decided to be in charge of, and own, my life. The victim card is not a part of who I am. I discovered that my experience with sexual abuse has become a part of me and to live in denial wasn’t doing me any favors. I have 2 amazing daughters who look to me to set an example. But before I could be what they needed, I had to find a way to accept and love who I was. Kids are so much smarter and more observant than what we give them credit for. They would see through me if I wasn’t genuine. So I learned that what I went through made me stronger. I survived when the odds were stacked against me. I found out I could have and enjoy a healthy sexual relationship. I am proud of who I am: a strong serial loving woman, a kick assume mom and homeschooling teacher, a truly happy wife, and a college graduate with a master’s degree and a 4.0. I am creative, playful, nurturing and I wouldn’t be the person I am if I had not experienced what I did. Thank you for sharing your story, it is truly inspiring!
Brandi

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