Frank Mulligan: Election-time email appeal

Thursday

Good friends, chums, pals and other appellations that imply a closer acquaintance than actually exists between us,

Good friends, chums, pals and other appellations that imply a closer acquaintance than actually exists between us,

It must be evident to you good, decent, clear-thinking, attractive people that my opponent in the coming election has become frantic.

My opponent’s mudslinging tactics are over the top.

But what can one expect from such a low, despicable, vicious, disreputable, slinking cur as my opponent?

Indeed, what can you expect from a candidate who hates jobs, working people, healthcare, seniors, pets, children’s scooters and sunsets?

Not much.

And that’s what my opponent will deliver to you good folks.

Not much.

I will deliver so much more than not much.

Much more.

Much much more.

You have my pledge on that.

My opponent would rather calumny my record than advance proposals to better our current situation.

That’s clearly due to the irrefutable fact that my opponent has a dismal, morally bankrupt record.

Is that what we want: dismal bankruptcy?

I rather think not.

But elections are expensive. And this election is the most expensive until the next election.

My opponent is taking money from every partisan, lobbying insider that isn’t donating to my campaign.

That’s why I need you good, good people to dig deep and donate to my campaign so that together, we can get me elected.

My opponent supports politics as usual while I’m for change.

My opponent supports the status quo while I’m for newness.

My opponent supports the same old tired ideas while I’m all about taking a fresh approach to solving our problems.

My opponent supports things that are bad while I’m firmly on the side of things that are good.

There is a clear difference between us:

I’m much better than my opponent.

Much much better.

Sure, there are cynics in our midst who would decry the supposed lack of substance in the campaign, who would harp that the-end-justifies-the-means style of election-time discourse shows a frightening lack of regard for the nation’s actual future.

Well, to them I say, “Whatever.”

Or as the character Arnold, unforgettably portrayed by Gary Coleman, would reply to the wisecracking Willis character, enduringly portrayed by Todd Bridges, in the delightful ’80s sitcom, “Diff’rent Strokes:”

“Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”

To these cynics I say with same level of bemused outrage, “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, cynics?”

I approve this message.

Frank Mulligan is an editor in GateHouse Media New England’s Plymouth, Mass., office, and can be reached at fmulligan@wickedlocal.com.