When looking for love, it's a good idea to know just what it is you're looking for. Here, I do exactly that by writing letters to my ideal lover, a hypothetical person out there who's waiting for me to find him as much as I'm waiting for him to find me.

Preparing Archives

April 14, 2006

Inner Work and Desirability

Dear Lover,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote you. It's not because I've given up on you. But I had to turn my eyes inward for a while. You see, it occurred to me that I while I haven't given up on you, I might have given up on myself for a while.

You see, Lover, a long time ago, I didn't think very highly of myself. I considered myself unworthy of love -- especially from someone as excellent as I believe you to be. I spent a long time alone working to correct that. And now, I know I'm a great guy and deserving of love and respect from other people -- especially my special someone.

But recently, I've become aware that it's time to peel away another layer of that same onion. While I may now see myself as a great and lovable person, I don't always see myself as a desirable person -- both sexually and otherwise. And I began to see that I was in a position where if we had met, I would rely on your desire for me to make me feel desirable. And that would be just as disastrous as when I used to rely on others' love to make me feel lovable.

I want you to desire me in every way possible. But I need to feel that I'm desirable in those ways all on myself. I cannot rely on you to generate my sense of self-worth even in the realm of desirability. So I've been taking some time to work once again upon my self-perception. I don't think I'll ever be done with that process. But that's okay with me. I hope it will be okay with you. I think it will, because I envision you as the kind of person who can understand and appreciate that sort of thing.

I think I may still be struggling with this issue of feeling desirable when I meet you. And that's okay too. But I want you to make me a promise. I want you to promise that while you reassure me that you really do want me, you will also remind me that I can't rely on you to feel desirable. I need you to encourage me to work on this myself and for myself. After all, I think that's an important part of relationships: challenging each other to be more than we currently are.