The Ultimate Paradox: Depression in Sobriety

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“I’ll never speak to God again.”*

My buddy, who is a painter, and I have coffee usually once a week. We see each other more than that usually, but we sit down and spend some time together just the two of us about once a week. We share many things, but the most important thing we share is the willingness to be open enough to each other to be connected. He has been there for me throughout this journey of the last few years. We both believe that we are in this journey to get connected, again.

I am going to put down edited examples of my communications that have taken place in the past few days of my life to show you what goes on in my mind and how I believe Ggod works.

This one below is one I sent to a wonderful friend of mine yesterday

“Good morning! It is my birthday today and my gift to myself if to say what my truth is to those who are in my life. I feel sad and more than anything feel that level of disconnect that I have inside of myself to those outside of me. What I have learned is that it takes all of my best efforts and intentions to have relationships in my life work. So I come to you today with a birthday wish for me that I reinvigorate my communications with you….I see how things can just slip away easily and soon I will find myself speaking to myself [only] again….”

This one below was between me and a wonderful friend I talk to almost every day.

“Thank you so much for the happy birthday wishes on the text a few minutes ago. I was going to write some 160 character deep profound bull-**** by text but I thought I would send you an e-mail instead. This last couple of years has been very brutal for me. I won’t reiterate what happened because you already know. What I want to tell you is how much you mean to me. Our friendship,….or just sitting at those tables playing with words with each other has been a godsend for me. You’re one of the few people who I can count on saying whatever I want to and not being judged. So if anything, you give me a gift every time we communicate with each other. Thank you..!”

But the biggest accomplishment for me was taking a huge risk yesterday. There was something I wanted to do for a long time but was afraid to do. There were all the reasons in the world not to do it. I can list them, ad nausem.

“Silence is the language of God, all else is poor translation.[i]

But there was one quiet little “voice,” that persisted in telling me that I can do it. It really wasn’t a voice, but a knowing, a sense, a quiet inside. I did it.