Sammy Sosa?

I know we re-hash this every time Sammy comes out of hiding but the man simply looks too ridiculous to ignore. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY, SAMMY. We remember what you looked like when you were all juiced-up smashing the shit out of baseballs. You’ve lived in America for too many years to give in to cultural racism to the point where you whitewash yourself. Bleaching your skin and perming your hair so you look like some nightmarish version of Ricky Ricardo? That’s so 1930′s, Sosa. I know things are different on the island of Hispanola but grow the fuck up. You’re rich! Who cares if people there think you’re ‘lesser than’ because you’re skin is (was) darker.

But the worst part of it all is how you’re living in this fantasy world where you think people believe that you were getting some COMPLETLY UNRELATED skin treatment that ended up having the unfortunate side effect was coming out looking like a member of the Dominican Addams Family. We aren’t stupid, bruh. We know what you did. And it looks crazy.