Putting a Humorous Twist on the Mundane

Fifty Shades Darker (Chapters 8-14)

Days, weeks and years pass as Ana impatiently waits for Mr. Grey to finish inspecting his apartment for the deranged ex-submissive. Finally, an all-clear is given and Mr. Grey collects Ana and brings her into his apartment.

Later that night, Ana abruptly awakes to see a shadow figure standing at the foot of her bed. The figure mysteriously vanishes in the amount of time it takes her to flip on the light. She gets out of bed and wanders around looking for Mr. Grey. When they return to the bedroom the balcony door is open.

Ana never opened it.

Suspense! Suspense!

Neither did Mr. Grey!

Deranged ex-submissive alert! Deranged ex-submissive alert!

All hands are now on deck as Mr. Grey’s security team once again searches the apartment for the crazy girl they were unable to find before. Exactly how big is this apartment?

Mr. Grey and Ana frantically pack up and drive off to a hotel, cautiously watching the rear view mirror to make sure that no one is following them.

Turn page. Turn page.

On the way to the hotel, Mr. Grey tells Ana he ordered a new Audi for her.

Ana engages Mr. Grey in a conversation about Mrs. Robinson. Apparently she’s not at all worried about the psycho girl who was standing over her bed which is why she chooses now to pry into Mr. Grey’s past, submissive relationship.

When they arrive at the hotel, they have sex.

Later the next morning it comes out that Mr. Grey doesn’t feel worthy of being loved. Coincidentally, Ana doesn’t feel like she’s good enough for Mr. Grey because she doesn’t like being spanked.

I think they’re both idiots and therefore they are meant for each other.

Chapter 9

They have declared their love for each other.

Mr. Grey takes Ana shopping for a new car. Since she is uncomfortable owing an Audi because all of his ex-submissives have owned Audi’s, he takes her to a Saab dealership.

Hell, I would probably do that exact same thing if I had a psycho stalking me…..and a butt load of money to throw away. I am quite the frivolous spender. Last week I bought formula…..in Bulk!

Here’s a fun fact for you: German’s and Swedes make the safest cars in the world. I don’t know anything about cars but if this was written in an erotica novel, it must be true.

After car shopping Mr. Grey takes Ana for a ride on his yacht. While on board, the foreplay begins.

Turn page. Turn page.

They’re still getting undressed.

Turn page. Turn page.

Now they’re having sex.

Chapter 10

Their post-coital bliss is cut short because Mr. Grey has to play with a dinghy.

Does that sound dirty to anyone else?

Maybe it’s just me.

(Back on land)

Over dinner that night, we learn that Mr. Grey’s only relationship prior to Ana was with Mrs. Robinson. Also, he’ll never again let Ana into his playroom because the last time he had her in there, she broke up with him.

That’s not really fair. Just because she doesn’t like to be spanked doesn’t mean he can’t share his toys with her. Rude!

Turn page. Turn page.

Mr. Grey doesn’t want Ana going to work because Leila is still out there, somewhere.

Turn page. Turn page.

Oh look – he owns an X-Box.

Turn page. Turn page.

They play a flirtatious game of pool.

Chapter 11

Pool game continues.

Her inner goddess is happy.

Fat-girl-with-an-attitude is rolling her eyes.

Then Ana gets spanked with a ruler.

Spanked with a ruler? Now the fa- girl-with-an-attitude is confused. I thought spanking was off the table.

The spanking continues.

Ana uses her safe word.

I’m relieved.

They have sex.

Now I’m bored.

Turn page. Turn page.

They take a bath together.

Christian still doesn’t want Ana to go to work.

They come to a compromise. Ana won’t leave the building.

At work the next morning Jack tells Ana that she is joining him in New York City for a conference in two days.

Mr. Grey strongly objects to Ana going with Jack.

Ana gets pissy and inappropriate in her email to Mr. Grey. He calls her to remind her that SIP emails are monitored and asks her to delete all of her emails to Mr. Grey. (Remember, Mr. Grey now owns SIP).

Suddenly Jack tells Ana that there is an expense problem and she can’t go with him to New York.

Hmmm. Could Mr. Grey have something to do with this?

Yep. He sure did. Ana is furious.

At lunch time she leaves the building to grab Jack lunch.

Naughty! Naughty! She wasn’t supposed to leave the building.

After her safe return she receives a phone call from Mr. Grey scolding her for leaving the building after she promised him he wouldn’t.

Looks like Big Brother is watching!

A grumpy Jack requests that Ana stay late to help him get some work together for the conference he is going to alone.

Turn page. Turn page.

Nothing happens when Ana stays late but Jack is definitely creepy.

Later that night, Leila still hasn’t been found.

Ana and Mr. Grey have sex…again.

At breakfast the next morning Mr. Grey reveals that Jack is most definitely a creep with a high number of assistants (Ana’s position) who have quit after only three months. Mr. Grey refuses to tell Ana what he knows about Jack.

Mrs. Robinson arrives at the apartment.

Chapter 12

The tension between the three of them makes for an uncomfortable situation.

Turn page. Turn Page.

Mrs. Robinson is being blackmailed for $5000. Whoever blackmailed her is clearly not doing his/her homework. The woman owns a bunch of salons and has a butt load of money. At this time the reason for the black mail has not been revealed.

Ana, feeling very uncomfortable, leaves the room.

Mrs. Robinson and Mr. Grey have a very heated argument about his relationship with Ana and Mrs. Robinson’s belief that Ana cannot give Mr. Grey what he needs.

Turn page. Turn page.

Mr. Grey tries explaining his relationship w/Mrs. Robinson to Ana.

Turn page. Turn page.

Ana is upset and confused so she calls her father. Then they have sex – Ana and Mr. Grey. Not Ana and her father. I’m fairly certain this isn’t going to be that kind of erotica. Yuck!

The next day – Jack is in a pissy mood at work.

Ana’s friend Ethan (her roommate’s brother) arrives into town. He’s going to stay at Ana’s apartment and meets Ana at SIP to collect her keys so he can get settled in. She invites him to dinner with her and Mr. Grey and they make plans for Ana to meet him at her apartment after work.

Ana, Mr. Grey and Taylor (one of Mr. Grey’s security guys) all go to the apartment together. Mr. Grey receives a phone call and barely notices that Ana leaves the car to go get Ethan. She rings the buzzer and Ethan lets her in.

As she enters the apartment she stops dead in her tracks.

Holy Potato! It’s not Ethan inside of the apartment. It’s Leila and she’s packing a revolver!

Suspense! Suspense!

Chapter 13

Ana offers to make Leila some tea. (Such a nice girl! Very polite!)

Leila speaks as though she’s a nut case. Imagine that!

Mr. Grey and Taylor burst through the door.

Mr. Grey glares at Leila with the all powerful dominant look. I’m not really sure what that is but it clearly has a profound effect on Leila because she drops to her knees. Mr. Grey then has Taylor forcibly remove Ana from the apartment.

Ana finds Ethan in the lobby. They go to a bar across the street and get shit-faced as Ana fills him in on all of the excitement. They watch as Mr. Grey carries Leila outside and places her inside of a car that drives away.

A few hours later, Ana arrives back at Mr. Grey’s apartment, drunker than skunk. During the course of their conversation she tells him that she cannot be who he need.s He freaks out at the thought of her leaving him and drops to his knees, becoming the submissive.

Chapter 14

Ana pleads with him to snap out of it.

I think they’re both morons.

Mr. Grey cries. Ana cries. If this doesn’t end soon I’m going to cry.

He confesses to Ana that he’s a sadist. NO SHIT!

He continues by telling her that his attraction to her and all of his submissives is from the fact that they all look like his crack-whore mother.

This declaration makes Ana uncomfortable. I’d be worried if it didn’t.

Then, Mr. Grey proposes marriage to Ana. I think his timing was just a tad misplaced. Apparently so does Ana. She tells him she’ll think about it.

Turn page.

Mr. Grey tries to make Ana eat.

Ana doesn’t want to eat.

Are they seriously having this argument again?

Ana inquires as to the events that unfolded in her apartment between Mr Grey and Leila after she left.

His reply, “…I gave her a bath.”

Sure! Why not? She had a gun pointed at his beloved girl friend. A bath seems like a logical response to me. NOT!!!!

Ana wants to know if he still has feelings for Leila because he gave her a bath.

Here we go again! No Ana! No! He doesn’t have feelings for Leila, or Mrs. Robinson, your roommate or the hot Blondie’s who work in his office. He only wants you! I have absolutely no idea why he wants you! You’re annoying!!!