Howard Carpendale performs for Heino

- some magical moments from Heino's birthday show in 1998, as observed by the
eager Jürgen Menck, Hamburg, Germany

Dear Heino enthusiasts from all over the world, you probably know that Heino's
60th birthday was celebrated with an expensive 90 minute show on German prime
time TV, called "Der goldene Heino" (The Golden Heino). For all of you who did
not have the opportunity to see that show and for the ones who long to repeat
the experience, I have made an accurate account of some of the most magical
moments in that show, namely Howard Carpendale's birthday song and the dialogue
surrounding it.

I have also tried to add ample remarks and translations to make everybody,
however perfunctory their knowledge of the German language and TV culture
may be, understand the inner workings of this amazing show. Enjoy!

About 10 minutes into the show, Kim Fischer (the female presenter) and Heino,
making small talk about birthday presents, approach a round table with Heino's
special presents on it.

Kim: (She seems slightly shocked by Kim tries to play along by
Heino's lighthearted revelation adopting an ironic tone herself.
that everything is pre-arranged She points at a gift and says:
anyway but tries to play along by "You should help us very much if
adopting an ironic tone.) Du würdest for example you unwrapped this
uns sehr helfen, wenn Du dieses zum one first now."
Beispiel jetzt zuerst auspacken
würdest. (She points at a large box
in golden wrapping paper.)

Kim: (pretending not to know:) Oh, ein Everybody knows Kim knows what's
Tennissch...- nee, ein in the box, but still she
Golfsch...läger- beides! pretends to wonder.

Heino: (This overlaps with Kim's previous Heino pretends to mistake the
line a bit.) Tennisschläger und golf club for a gun but his joke
Kanone (The joke passes unnoticed passes unnoticed. Then he claims
by the audience), nein! Kim!! Das ironically these instruments
ist ein Tennisschläger und ein could only belong to a pro (which
Golfschläger. (Kim: Mm.) Das kann Carpendale is probably not) and
nur von einem Profi sein (heavy reveals the name of his guest.
irony)- Howard Carpendale?

Kim: (officially anouncing him) Howard
Carpendale!!

Howard Carpendale appears on the main stage with a microphone in his hand.
He is a popular singer who was born and raised in South Africa but made his
career in Germany, mainly in the 70's. Fans used to refer to him as "Howie".
They love his accent which is best recognizable when he pronounces "ech",
"ich", or an "r" that is not preceded by a vowel. Some of his song texts
seem to have been expressly designed to highlight this accent! Take for
example the following line from "Du fängst den Wind niemals ein": "Und ich
frage mich, wie lang ichDich noch halten kann."

"Bier an Bier mit Heino", Howard's birthday song for Heino

Howard's birthday song "Bier an Bier mit Heino" is actually a variation of
his own classic "Tür an Tür mit Alice" which was in turn a German version
of Smokie's "Living Next Door to Alice". A literal translation of the title
would be "Beer to Beer With Heino" but the spirit of the song is probably
better captured by calling it "Sitting Next Beer to Heino"!

Howard has moved towards Heino while singing. Now Heino pats him on the back:

Heino: Howard, danke Dir! (Howard, almost Heino thanks Howard. He tries
inaudible: Gerne, mein Freund. Höh.) to come across as bacchantic
Ich freu mich, daß Du hier bist, and wholesome at the same time
und das Bier (Howard, trying to by promising to drink a beer with
interrupt: Sag mal, was- was-) das him yet insisting to do it after
Bier trinken wir natürlich the show!
anschließend.

Howard: Ja, klar! Aber was war das für'n Howard is too preoccupied with
Begrüßungsapplaus gerade? (He is his own question to go along with
talking about the ovations at the Heino. He wants to make a comment
beginning of the show.) on the applause at the beginning
of the show.

Heino:(seemingly taken aback) Toll! Heino does not know what to
answer except of course: "great".

Howard:(jokingly pretending to be 20 Howard pretends to muse about his
years younger than he really is) own 60th birthday and jokes about
Ob das mir auch in 23 Jahren it being 23 years away (instead
passiert? Hahahaha-ha-ha. of just three).

Heino:(jovially) Aber ganz bestimmt! Heino still wants to react to the
Hähähähähä. remark on the applause, so he says
something reassuring to Howard and
tries to gain time.

Howard: Mal seh'n. (trying to change Howard wants to get down to brass
subject) Wir haben... (Heino, tacks and deliver the lines they
interrupting: Man muß es...) have rehearsed. But now Heino has
found his answer:

Heino: Man muß es hier in Düsseldorf He tries to flatter the Düsseldorf
machen. (He tries to flatter his audience (his hometurf) by
audience again.) proposing Howard made his own
birthday party there.

Howard: (slightly brusque, probably Howard is not interested in the
unnerved by Heino's drift) Ja topic anymore. As planned, he
gerne. Wir haben- äh- in Gelsen- addresses their common past
kirchen vor 31 Jahre' (Heino: Ja, instead, in particular their first
ja) zusammen unsere' erste' Auftritt common show in the provincial town
in Deutschland gemacht. Es war of Gelsenkirchen.
wirklich'n- äh- (barely audible
because Heino interrupts) lustiger
Dreh...

Howard:(visibly relieved to deliver his Howard seems relieved to get it
last line as memorized) Nimm's over with. He ignores Heino's last
nicht persönlich, es heißt: "Mit remark (well, maybe the director
Dir verschwend ich meine Zeit". has told him to hurry, who knows?)
Danke Dir! and makes a well-rehearsed joke
about Heino and the song title,
"I'm wasting my time with you."

Now the music sets in and Howard sings the song he just announced himself.