Why, Stanford. I'm just a humble tomato farmer, selling his wares. Whoops, I dropped one. (Throws a tomato at Stan's right eye) Whoops, I dropped another one. (Throws a tomato at Stan's left eye)

Stan

Ugh! (Tomatoes still covering his eyes, looks up at sky and screams:) PIONEER DAY!

Cut to the twins sitting near a large statue of Nathaniel Northwest.

Mabel

Dipper, can I ask you something? Do you think I'm silly?

Dipper

Uh, nnnoooo?

Mabel

I knew it! The nacho earrings, the sweater. I thought I was being charming, but I guess people see me as a big joke. (Throws off her nacho earrings, takes off her sweater, and ties her sweater around her waist)

Dipper

C'mon, Mabel, you love that sweater!

Mabel

I did before Pacifica ruined it for me. She ruins everything!

Dipper

(Stands up, turns around, and glares at the statue) Pacifica! Why does she think that being related to the town founder means she can treat everyone like garbage. Someone needs to take her down a peg. (Gasps) Wait a minute! I feel like I read something about Pacifica's great-great grandfather before. (Opens Journal 3) Of course! Oh, this is perfect. (In a deep voice:) In my investigations... (Normal voice:) Should- should I do the voice?

Mabel

Nuh uh.

Dipper

I'll just read... normal. (Reading from journal:) In my investigations I recently made a discovery. Nathaniel Northwest may not be the true founder of Gravity Falls! I believe this secret is emburied somewhere on the enclosed document. If only I could crack the code. (Opens the document, revealing a complex series of letters, symbols and words) Oh, man! If this cover-up is true, it means Pacifica's whole family is a fraud. This could be a major conspiracy!

Mabel

Really?

Dipper

I got to investigate this!

Mabel

Wait! I'm coming with you. Conspiracies are serious, right?

Dipper

Oh yeah, definitely.

Mabel

Well, if I help you crack this code, then nobody could call me silly again!

Dipper

Yeah! Mystery twins?

Mabel

I thought you hated that.

Dipper

I'm starting to accept it.

Dipper and Mabel

(Fist bump and run off)

Blubs

(Behind the statue, into a walkie-talky:) This is Sheriff Blubs. We've got a code sepia!

Dispatcher

(Spits out coffee) What?! And what are you doing about it?

Blubs

I'm following them right now.

Dispatcher

Find them and stop them. There's no room for error.

Blubs

I understand. Blubs out. (To Durland:) Deputy Durland, maintaining this cover-up is the mission we've been training for our entire careers. Are you ready?

Back in the olden days, pioneers drew subsistence from telling stories 'round the fire. So let's eat some books, children! Go ahead, eat the books! (Chews a book)

Dipper

Alright, Mabel, if we can prove Nathaniel Northwest wasn't the real founder of Gravity Falls, it will finally put Pacifica in her place.

Mabel

And solving a mystery will prove that I'm not silly. I'm serious. Seeeeriousss... (Laps up candy from the table into her mouth with her tongue)

Dipper

(Places some slides into a projector) We just need to crack this code. Let me see... it's not Egyptian, it's not numerology, it's not, wait-of course! The triangle is the alchemist symbol for flame. Lighting the parchment on fire will reveal the secret message!

Mabel

It's so obvious!

Dipper

Alright, let's just light this sucker up and--- Mabel!

Mabel

(Now wearing a hat she made out of the document) Mwop! I just made a hat. Ugh, I just did something silly again. (Blows a raspberry)

Dipper

Wait, Mabel. You folded it into a map! And I was gonna burn it...

Blubs

(To a librarian:) We're on the lookout for two kids who might be reading.

Durland

We're hunting them down for secret reasons! (Rings bell) WOO!

Dipper and Mabel

(Hide under the table.)

Durland

(Knocks row of books off a shelf) DERP!

Dipper

(To Mabel:) Maybe we should take this elsewhere...

Mabel

This map should lead us to... (Cut to the twins standing in front of a museum.) ...The Gravity Falls Museum of History.

Dipper

You realize what this means, Mabel. (Looks up and squints.) We're gonna have to break. In.

Dramatic music plays. Cut to Dipper and Mabel inside the museum at the entrance.

Ha! Booby traps. (Steps on a tile that triggers a bunch of darts to fly out of the wall towards her and Dipper)

Dipper

Tranquilizer darts! (Grabs Mabel's hand and maneuvers through the darts)

Mabel

Aah!

They dodge the darts and fall down a path that leads them to a small set-up filled with confidential, historical information.

Mabel

It's a treasure trove of historic-y, secret-y things. (Picks up a top-secret document. The first page is about the secret of Abraham Lincoln's hat, and shows a picture of Lincoln in his top hat in one picture, and him without his top hat, with a hand sticking out of the top of his head, in the other. Mabel looks at the next page, where there is a picture of Benjamin Franklin wearing earrings, and the sub-caption says that he was secretly a woman) Oh, man! Ben Franklin secretly was a woman!

Dipper

(Finding and picking up a document titled "Northwest Cover-up") Hey, jackpot! Now we'll find out who the real town founder was. (Reading from document:) "Let it be here recorded that Nathaniel Northwest, fabled founder of Gravity Falls, was, in fact, a fraud...as well as a waste-shoveling village idiot"? (Laughs) Oh, bad news for Pacifica. Wait'll the papers hear about this!

Mabel

Once people see that I uncovered a historical conspiracy, they can never call me silly!

See for yourself. (Removes hat and takes out a reel of film. He puts it into a projector, and the projection screen shows a countdown in black and white)

Mabel

Aww, it's black and white?!

Dipper

Shh! Mabel.

Reel starts, revealing a government official in an office.

Govt. official

If you're watching this, then you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot as soon as the filming is complete. (Looks offscreen) --What? No? Ho! Well, that's a relief! (Looks back at the camera) Of all of America's secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Trembley: The eighth-and-a-half president of the United States.

Dipper and Mabel

President?

Mabel

Eighth-and-a-half?

Govt. official

After winning the 1837 election in a landslide, (On the video, a picture of Quentin Trembley standing next to the other presidential candidates is shown. A landslide kills the other candidates) Quentin Trembley quickly gained a reputation as America's silliest president.

He waged war on pancakes, appointed six babies to the supreme court, and issued the de-pants-ipation proclamation. His state of the union speech was even worse.

Trembley (reenacted recording)

The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!

Govt. official

He was kicked out of office and escaped to an uncharted valley he named Gravity Falls, after plummeting into it at high speed.

Trembley's shameful term was erased from history and officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as President and local nobody Nathaniel Northwest as founder of Gravity Falls.
The whereabouts of president Trembley's body are unknown.

Blubs

Until now.

Cut to Quentin Trembley, who is encased in an amber-colored rectangle.

Dipper

Whoa! Is that, like, amber or something?

Blubs

The fool thought he could live forever by encasing himself in a block of solid peanut brittle. Smooth move, Mr. President! Finding Trembley's body was our special mission. And now, thanks to you, it's complete.

Durland

Who knew all we had to do was follow a little girl's (Holds up one of Mabel's candy wrappers) trail of candy wrappers?

Mabel

Ugh, (Face-palms) silly!

Blubs

Now that you know the truth, well, we can't let you go around talkin' about it.

Dipper

Does that mean--?

Mabel

Are you going to kill us?!

Durland

OH NO!

Blubs

No, no. (To Durland:) Calm down now, buddy, calm down. (To the twins:) We're just gonna escort you and all this stuff back to Washington. You ain't comin' back, by the way.

Cut to the inside of a train

Durland

(Unfolds fold-out bed) Woo-hoo! We got fold-out beds!

Blubs

(Opens suitcase and pulls out book) Good thing I brought my book of spooky ghost stories!

Durland

(Takes out colored rope) I brought rope for friendship bracelets!

Cut to Dipper and Mabel who are trapped in a crate with Quentin Trembley's body.

Mabel

Anyone there?! Help help help!

Dipper

Hey! Let us out!

Mabel

Oh. I can't believe I left a trail of candy wrappers. This is all my fault. Pacifica had me pegged all along. I'm just a silly failure, like that embarrassing president what's-his-name. (Eats piece of peanut brittle, breaking the block and freeing Trembley)

(Pulls out key) Good thing I have the President's Key, which can open any lock in America! (Repeatedly slams it at the side of the crate)

Dipper

I... don't think that's gonna work.

Trembley

Wood! My age-old enemy. In order to get out of here, this is going to take the silliest plan ever conceived.

Dipper

I think I know who can help you. (Smiles at Mabel)

Mabel

Hmm. How 'bout... that hole? (Points to tiny hole near the corner of the crate)

Trembley

We will leap through it!

Trembley and Mabel

(Jump at the hole)

Trembley

(To Mabel, who's poking her finger through hole and moving it around:) Almost. Almost there Good! Keep pushing.

Dipper

I'm not sure this is working.

Mabel

Trust... the silliness!

Trembley

Fiddlesticks! Keep going!

A woodpecker flies in and pecks at the crate, making a tapping noise.

Trembley

Is that my third wife? Sandy?

The box falls apart.

Trembley

Well, we didn't fit through the hole. Let's rebuild the box and try again!

Dipper

We gotta get out of here!

Trembley

Also good!

Dipper opens a door in the train and Durland, who is getting ice, sees the three of them and drops the bucket of ice.

Durland

Blubs!

Dipper, Mabel, and Trembley run away. They climb up a ladder to get to the emergency escape. Trembley pulls out his key and starts pressing it against the door even though there's no lock.

Dipper

(Taking the key from Trembley) Give me that! (Turns the handle and they all run out onto the roof of the train, followed by Blubs and Durland)

Blubs

There (Huffs) is (Huffs) no (Huffs) escape! I gotta take a knee.

Durland

Are you okay? Can I get you anything?

Blubs

Edwin, darlin', you are a diamond in the rough.

Dipper

Sheriff Blubs, do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?

Blubs

I've got no choice! Our orders come from the very top!

Dipper

Wait! Quentin, did you ever sign an official resignation?

Trembley

No, sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window.

Dipper

Then... technically you're still legally the President of the United States, right? (To Blubs and Durland:) You've gotta answer to this guy now!

Blubs and Durland

Huh?

Trembley

As president of these several United States, I hereby order you to pretend none of this ever happened. And- and go on a delightful vacation. (As the train goes by he hits his head on a metal rail) Ow! Mmm yeeees!

Blubs

Vacation? (To Durland:) What place have you always wanted to visit? One, two--

Blubs and Durland

Silly Water Fun Slides in Grand Lakes, Michigan!

Cut to Dipper, Mabel, and Trembley outside of the train. Durling and Blubs are in the train wearing Hawaiian shirts and wave to the three as the train departs.

Blubs and Durland

Bye-bye! Bye!

Trembley

(Once the train is gone, he gets to a knee and looks at Mabel) You've done a great service to your country, Mabel. As thanks, I'd like to make you an official U.S. congressman. (Unfolds a black top-hat and hands it to Mabel)

Mabel

(Puts on hat) I'm legalizing everything!

Trembley

(To Dipper:) And Roderick,

Dipper

Uh- actually- uh-

Trembley

You dear boy are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land. So I'd like you to have my President's Key!

Cut to Trembley and the twins later on, back in Gravity Falls. Trembley is telling a story.

Trembley

And then he chased me around and spanked me with a paddle for, like, three hours. Bottom line, George Washington was a jerk.

Mabel

A-greed!

Cut to Pacifica and her friends watching girls run around a small maypole.