The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 4: Oh Sandy

One Sentence Summary: The meat parade continues and we meet an actual real couple.

Our Thoughts:

I’m not just a piece of meat. I only play one on TV.

Rachel: I’m on my own tonight as my esteemed partner is off on the other side of the world conducting grown-up business. And that’s all I’ll say about that because this isn’t really a site for grown-up business. Well, unless you call drinking wine grown-up business, then we’re all about it. OK, I don’t even know what’s on deck for tonight. I know I watched the previews last week, but cannot for the life of me remember. Not that it really matters because it’s pretty much the same every week, though now that Brandon is gone, someone else will have to take up the tears. Guesses? I would but I don’t even know everyone’s name yet.

Roll Of The Dice

Wait ’til you see what I am going to put in your mouth later!

Rachel: Chris arrives at the men’s house and says there are just 13 guys left. Ha, yes, because dating just 13 guys at one time is really taking it slow. This week the guys are hitting the road and the first stop is Atlantic City. Wow, how exotic. And so begins the walking & talking montages. Des is walking the AC Boardwalk and telling us how strong her feelings are for these guys. I want that job. The job where you just rewrite the same opening monologue about deep feelings and hopeful thoughts of love. I mean it’s the same thing over & over with just a tweak here & there. Throw in a “y’all” for Emily. A sensitive moment for Sean. A giggle for Des. Done.

The guys arrive in Atlantic City and find their suite and the first date card. It goes to Brad. Oh good, he’s cute. I would like to spend some time with Brad too. Zak says that Brad is nice, but quiet, which translates to, “He will probably bore the shit out of Des and get sent home.” Mikey thinks he’s too reserved for Des. All this smack talk is going down as Brad suggests they ride the Human Slingshot. And I’m pretty sure that was him whooping it up on the rides and pushing her in a cart down the boardwalk. Looks like Boring Brad ain’t so boring, bitches! So go back to hating on Ben.

Des & Brad stop off for some saltwater taffy, but while they’re tasting it, Des smells chocolate which is much more her style. Yeah, I’m sure she just happened to smell it out the back door and down the stairs. And I’m also sure they’ll just let you walk through their plant without having already authorized it. Just more of that crazy Des! And by Des, I mean producers. But Brad’s rolling with it and eating his fair share of chocolate. OK, if he gets sent home, I may have to stalk this boy.

They ride the carousel on the pier as the boys press their noses to the hotel room window watching & whimpering. Zak, who I think is drinking rosé by the way, is especially despondent over it. Not that he’ll care if he gets sent home, as long as Des chooses the right guy… which coincidentally is not Brad.

Maybe he just doesn’t like to talk with him mouth full.

Up next is fireside wine on the beach in front of a giant sandcastle. Time to see if Brad can measure up on the deep meaningful conversation front. Conversation is… slow. But there’s still dinner to stun Des with his charm & humor. Too bad that doesn’t go much better. She asks what his pet peeves are… And then… awkwardness. Dinner is so full of awkward pauses that they actually eat! This might the most shocking Bachelorette ever! Oh Brad, have some more wine and loosen up. Please. You can’t possibly be this much of a dud. I refuse to believe it. Wasn’t that you dancing like a fool the first night?

Des tries one last attempt to shake some personality out of him by going up into the lighthouse. They climb to the top of the lighthouse, and as she’s huffing and puffing from the stairs, she tells him that, even though she had a great time with him, something is missing. So, she can’t give him the rose. You couldn’t have said this downstairs? Aw, I like Brad. I don’t necessarily think she’s wrong that there isn’t a connection, but maybe he’s nervous. And aren’t you allowed to ask him more questions about his family, or travel or something??? Maybe the 5 topics the producers let people on this show discuss aren’t interesting to him? Yeah, I know. I know. He was a dud. But he’s so cute!!!! And now he has to walk down the stairs like a chump. Now he’s crying. Aw, pobre bebe, come to mama. I’ll make it all better. Muhahahaha….

Des meets the guys on the boardwalk and brings them into Boardwalk Hall. Chris is inside waiting with Miss America. Seems Boardwalk Hall is the birthplace of the pageant and where it will be again this year. This means the 11 of them will be competing in the Mr. America Pageant. Michael often dreamed as a kid of becoming Mr. America so this is exciting for him. Please tell me your joking. And please tell me there is a bathing suit competition so I can see me a little Juan Pablo and his abs.

Miss America and pageant coach Christopher Dean are going to help the guys prepare. Ha ha, the guys are wigging out. Well, the Mikes are exited, but the rest are not even remotely comfortable with what’s about to happen. First, they have to pick a talent. Juan Pablo grabs a baton and actually twirls it like it’s his job. Nice moves. But let’s be honest, this whole charade is basically another way to further emasculate the men… and I love it! Hey, if you’re going to sign up for this circus, you had better perform for us! The guys will also have to answer an interview question and… bathing suits. YES, Juan Pablo got the Speedo! Clearly, the wardrobe person is a woman or a gay man.

Side bar: Whoever told Bryden to stop with the flat top, thank you. I imagine it was probably Brooks, the hair maven.

And so the show begins, in front of a live audience, with the interview portion. Kasey is a giver, not a taker. As if there was another way to answer that. Zak would be fire, not water. Brooks would be a lion. Chris blows his answer, but does it with charm. Juan Pablo needs his ideal woman to love his daughter. I’m in! Then there’s Mikey… According to Mikey, women look at men as meatheads and don’t understand that they also cry, like to have fun, and want to take long walks on the beach… Oy vey, Mikey. No. Chris feels way better now about his answer.

Now, talent. Kasey tap dances… or something remotely related to tapdancing. Mr. Bojangles, you ain’t. Mikey does some bad striptease and then does handstand push-ups… but do not mistake him for a piece of meat! Clearly there is more to him… though we don’t yet know what that is. Brooks sings with a ukelele and then smashes it. Points for the smash. Chris does arm hula-hooping in heels. I like this guy. Bryden… uh, Bryden basically had sex with the air. I’m not sure what talent pelvic thrusting is… oh wait, never mind. Zak sings and dammit if he isn’t actually really good.

And now, bathing suits… Holy bod, Drew! Poor Brooks, on stage with these guys. At least, he had fun. Um, wait a minute. No Juan Pablo? What? Not cool! We get barely a glimpse as the results are read.

Second runner up: Brooks

First runner up: Zak W.

Winner: Kasey – hashtag superstoked

Yeah, Des didn’t look super thrilled with that win, so I’m thinking she was outvoted by the other judges. Does she have to spend more one-on-one time with him? Boy, Kasey, you had better up your game this time around if that’s the case. I don’t think you get a sympathy rose twice.

Cocktail/pool party time. Chris grabs her first and says it’s time to show her the serious side of him… while they’re in the pool. He says he writes poetry, and OMG, so does she! I couldn’t hear a damn word he said, but it must have been half-decent because Chris is now making some poetry with his tongue in Des’s mouth.

Des & Ben get some time and it’s right in front of the other guys, which everyone thinks is deliberate. Ben talks about his son, but the guys say he talks more about his bar than his kid with them. The guys confront him about it, but as usual, he’s not bothered by them being bothered. I think it’s become sport for him at this point. He gets to hang with Des and piss the guys off. Bonus!

Zak uses his time with Des to play the rest of the song he wrote. This goes much better than the song Kasey sang for Allie back on that mountain. Not that it could go much worse. He thinks that might have locked in the rose for him. Dude, kiss the girl already. She kisses everybody. Then you’ll get a rose. But the guitar was mightier than the lip this week and he does, indeed, get the rose. Nice. I like him. Now let’s all jump in the pool and have a good time… which everyone seems to be doing, except for Bryden. He didn’t get any time with her and this is an issue that must be addressed sooner than later. Oh boy, I think Melissa’s fave is about to become unhinged.

Oh, Sandy

Is that your hand or are you just happy to see us?

Um, so now we cut to James alone in the house… in a bubble bath… eating chocolate covered strawberries. Now, don’t get me wrong, you pop a bottle of bubbly and I’m all-in for the festivities. But I’m also a chick.

Des, James and his bubble-scented skin are headed out in a helicopter to see the effects of Sandy on the Jersey Shore. Wow, I knew it was bad, but it’s crazy to see it like this. It looks like the set of a disaster movie. Doesn’t feel like it can be – or should be – real. Now, I know some people are out there spitting mad that they’re there on a reality show, but honestly, it doesn’t bother me. It’s probably the realest thing we’ll see all season. And if it gets people inspired to donate, then how is that bad? I do hope they do something other than walk around and stare though.

They meet a couple, Manny & Jan, who are excited to meet “Des from the television.” ha ha… So awesome. They tell her about their experience and what their life has been like since the storm. They go into the house and see the devastation. The couple had to go to a shelter on their anniversary so Des & James decide to give their date to the couple. I’m going to pretend that wasn’t scripted because I want to love the gesture. They’re going to spend the night in Atlantic City. Regardless if this was planned, the couple is so happy so it makes it OK, at least in my book. I could do without James & Des kissing in front of their demolished house, however.

A real couple having a real moment on a fake show.

Manny & Jan get to actually eat a dinner and enjoy being alone together at the House of Blues Foundation Room. Manny says it’s the best date he’s ever had. OK, I’m seriously crying right now. I love them. I kinda want to hug them. Meanwhile, James & Des go to the local pizza joint and get to know each other. I’d love to see Emily in this place. Des says that having been through financial hardships has made her realize what’s important in life; relationships. James is in agreement and he is overwhelmed by the day. I would never think a dude with a neck like a tree trunk would be such a mush.

James thinks he should be honest and tell Des that he cheated on his ex-girlfriend in college. They were together 5-and-a-half years, but she didn’t think she could get back to a place of trust with him so they broke up. Des was cheated on as well and agrees that it’s a deal breaker. Take note, James. That was a warning. He is 100% sure that he is never going to cheat again because his heart was broken too. And it’s having your heart broken that makes a man. Interesting. There are few men I’d like to introduce him to.

As Manny & Jan are finishing dinner, they are given a photo album by the Red Cross. Their original wedding album was found soaking wet, and the Red Cross restored the album. That’s amazing. More tears. As they reminisce, James & Des come to check on them. Time for the next part of the surprise; a concert from Darius Rucker. Aw, I do like me some Hootie. I hope Manny & Jan get the key to the Fantasy Suite too. Seriously, they’re so cute. How can you be mad at this? My snark defenses are totally down. Oh, and James gets the rose.

Cocktail Party

They don’t prepare you for this in the military.

Rachel: Time for Bryden’s emotional outburst… As the guys wait for Des, he seriously looks like he’s about to come out of his skin. He says that he was on a high from their one-on-one date, but ever since then his feelings have been falling behind. He’s not sure he’d accept a rose from her at this point. So, basically, you need her to tell you that she’s still Team Bryden or you’re leaving? I’m not sure how you thought this game was played, but thems the breaks when you get one of the first dates. You might be hating on Ben right now, but he could give you some pointers on getting some quality Des time. Just sayin…

But he has to wait to talk to her, because Des grabs Michael first. Michael gives her a list of things he likes about her for each letter of her name and the first initial of his last name. Knee slap! His last name! Clever little minx. See how he did that? She eats it up and then he eats her face. Man, I love coming up with new stupid ways to talk about making out. But seriously, she does it so often that I feel like I have to. OK, fine, I want to.

Chris is next and she talks about her broke family again. Why is this such a thing for her? Seriously, it’s ok that mommy & daddy weren’t millionaires. I mean Chris still wants to kiss you.

Bryden finally takes Des aside and tells her that he’s not feeling that he’s where he needs to be. She says that he needs to focus on what he knows to be true and not what he perceives to be true. She wants him here and there is potential. Don’t rush to judgement. It’s tough on him and he just isn’t sure. But we are left hanging to wait and see if he takes the rose. He’s taking the rose. Come on. Stop playing us.

Rose Ceremony

Must stay awake. Must not fall asleep. So tired from making poetry from letters.

Rachel: Thankfully, Bryden had a drama this week or there wouldn’t be any drama about who was getting a rose. Crazy how that works out…

Has a rose: Zak W. and James

Gets a rose: Chris, Brooks, Juan Pablo, Drew, Michael, Ben, Kasey…

Then Bryden gets the call and… accepts the rose. Shocker.

Final rose: Mikey

Going Home: Zack K.

Gone: Brad

Next week, Munich. And it looks like some confrontations are finally going to happen. Yeah! Throw some blows! I mean, discuss it like men and work through your issues together. Then throw some blows!

Bottom Line:

Rachel: Not even a remotely surprising elimination. Was he even on the show tonight? And we barely got more than a cursory glance at him in the past 3 weeks. But he’s shocked, which is actually the only shocking part of this.

I miss a lot of them because I’m typing, but I did catch that one. Was awesome. Brooks’ hair could have its own show. I want someone to shear his head in the middle of the night. It’d be like Sampson losing his superpowers.

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We take the best parts of some bad tv, break ‘em down over a few glasses of vino (funny flows better when wine flows freely) and share them with you so you don’t have to waste hours of your life watching on your own. You're welcome.

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