Thursday, April 25, 2013

5 Reasons Rockstars Win At Life

I think there's a part of every human being that wants to be a rockstar. Not just out of a desire to be rich and famous, and not just for the chance we may merit an invite to Johnny Depp's birthday party; I mean everyone wants to be a crowds and lights and distortion kind of rockstar.

You may be reading this thinking "Not I! That's not my lifestyle. I don't like performing in front of people. I don't do drugs. I have no desire to jump in a hilariously large pile of money like Scrooge McDuck (liar, of course you do). Well the deal is this:

First, as evidenced by anything that has to do with social media, people want to be heard. Everyone has something they want to say and to have that something be listened to and appreciated. Never has anything been more effective at conveying an emotion than the rockstar. We all want to be able to scream out what we feel like and have 30, 000 people scream back to us in positive affirmation that our screaming sounds hellagood.

This man could sing us all the phone book, and we would freaking listen to it.

Second, as a culture we all do this thing every year on January 1st where we examine ourselves and think of the ways we'd most like to change. We decide we can be better than we now are, and resolve to become this better version of ourselves.

But you know what? We forget about all this by about mid-February (and that's being generous). We all have an innate hatred of change, and what we actually want is to stay just the way we are, but for everyone to think that's awesome.

You know who's considered the pinnacle of awesomeness without even attempting any of this self-improvement stuff we all subject ourselves to? Rockstars. The following is a list of the five most common New Years Resolutions, and how being a rockstar gets you out of every single one.

#5 Better Work/Life Balance

Another day at the office.

When you're a rockstar, there's no need to balance your work life with your "real life" because you'll be too busy living your constant awesome life. It can be a huge point of stress to wonder if you're spending too much time at the office instead of at home where you ought to be. This stress goes out the window when you take a break from thrilling stadiums full of adoring fans and take a 1.5 Million Dollar Cruise.What is there to balance? Your "job" is awesome, your life outside of performing is doing the stuff celebrities do, which pretty much just means chilling with other celebrities.

It's a tough gig.

#4 Quit Smoking

Why would you do that? It's a pretty well-documented fact that rockstars get rejected by Death more frequently than any other group of people on the planet.

Probably because Death still sees potential for a few more albums

Travis Barker of Blink 182 was one of only two survivors in a plane crash.

T.I. called the ambulance that saved the life of Creed's frontman Scott Stapp after fracturing his skull from an alcohol related 40-ft plunge off a balcony.

Ozzy survived years of being Ozzy, plus an ATV disaster.

Metallica's James Hetfield was sidelined just three weeks after an unfortunate encounter with a pyrotechnic device which left him with 3rd degree burns.

Taylor Hawkins overdosed on heroin and woke up after two days in a coma to concerned fellow Foo Fighter Dave Grohl, to which he uttered "Eff off", which is how rockstars say "I love you, bro". (The experience had a profound effect on Grohl, and you should really click that link because it's awesome).

And of course Nikki Sixx actually, you know died. Of a heroin overdose. Then was alive again enough to return home to his apartment to do more heroin. He's rumored to have overdosed six times, and is alive and kicking today, apparently a pretty sweet guy.

Obviously rockers are built of tougher stuff than the rest of us. That means if you were one, all the destructive bad habits of your daily life would all of a sudden be pardoned by the universe and replaced with a few extra lives, because forget karma.

#3 Learn Something New

First off, this is a lazy man's new year's resolution. We learn new stuff all the time, and to make that your goal for the whole year is kind of pathetic. It's a pretty safe bet you'll learn something this very week, like not to "like" Boys Like Girls on your Pandora radio because it'll screw everything up. Unless you get specific and say "learn a new language" or "learn how to survive an avalanche" it's a pretty safe goal and in no way a resolution that will change you. It's similar to the "be more kind" goal. How the freak will you gauge that next December 31st? I digress.

As the frontman of your awesome rock band, you will learn new songs, meet new people, and do new fun awesome things all the time. You won't ever have to worry about not having new experiences to keep you entertained because it's pretty lucrative to have 30,000 people in 50 cities pay 100-400 dollars a person to see you be awesome. How lucrative? Glad you asked.

As seen here, U2's 360° Tour netted around three quarters of a billion dollars. To earn that amount of money without being a rockstar, you and 442 of your (guy) friends would need to pool every cent you make every year for the entire rest of your lives. Or if you wanted to have that pool of cash in the next year, you could combine your year's income with 19,392 of your closest friends.

Look at you, learning something new (on the internet, no less).

#2 Drink Less

"Still too soon, change before publishing"--Editor

The resolution of all those who wake up January 1st assuming they'll never be dumb enough to put their bodies through that sort of torture ever again, this is the second most popular new year's resolution (and it's funny that it isn't "quit drinking altogether, because it's bad" but instead "drink less, so as to minimize the amount of bad")

Somehow this has become a celebrated part of the rockstar lifestyle, probably because the rocker is, in essence, a rebel. Whatever things you aren't supposed to do, they do, to prove those things can be done without consequence and that it's actually the best way to live.

"This is strike two."--Editor

We're all pretty much resigned to the fact that celebrities of all types do ridiculous things. It takes a lot to shock us now. There's no way to prove this, but we here at Mind Grenades ascribe this numbing of our insanity-meters to the fact that up until recently, rock bands were actively attempting to out-crazy each other all the time. It began decades ago with musicians blowing up their own instruments and escalated to that unfortunate incident with the tampon. Rock has died since, and the latest interesting thing to happen in music was Kanye West at the VMAs. The hair-metal bands of the '80s would be ashamed.

Drinking will always be the heavy rocker's calling card, because if there's something that makes you act stupid and rots your insides, it is a rocker's solemn obligation to be the literal poster boy for that very thing.

#1 Exercise

What? Have you looked at a famous musician lately? One that's considered a "legend"? If there's one lesson to be learned in the world of legendary rockers, it's this; none of your fans care what you look like. At all. That's why rockers can look like Steve Perry.

Love you, Steve.

And Keith Richards.

It may be the single greatest thing about rock legends. To make it in the pop world, you have to have Jonas brother genes, or be created in a lab like Katy Perry. To be a rockstar, you just have to be unquestionably awesome. No rippling muscles necessary, not even a handsome face, just the ability to ignite a crowd with a guitar solo and a pair of Chuck Taylors. Once you're a rockstar, your issues with drinking and your inability to find a barber you like are no longer personality flaws; they are your persona.Sadly the closest we'll ever be to that legendary status is being able to nail a hard solo on "Guitar Hero"and beat an animated Tom Morello. But in each of us will always live an inner rocker.-L