My crap holiday

It started with an ad in The Observer. We were broke, so spotting the small ad when we were trying to book a cheap honeymoon seemed a stroke of good luck: a remote cottage in south-west Ireland.

A miscalculation of the distance involved and ignorance of the quality of the roads in 80s Ireland meant that we spent the second night of our married life sleeping in a lay-by.

We finally got to the cottage and on opening the front door were greeted by the sight of a large dog turd in the middle of the only downstairs room. Tiny insects infested every surface in the kitchen area and there were mouse droppings in every cupboard. Undaunted, we put a set of crockery in the fridge as the only mouse-proof storage and set off for a walk across the farm. A large horsefly rose from a cowpat and stung the bride on her newly be-ringed left hand, which almost immediately began to swell alarmingly. Off came the wedding ring.

Returning to the cottage we met more local wildlife: a vast slug had appeared on the grubby carpet. There was a surprise at every turn: the taps produced green water. It was revealed later to come from an open-topped bath on the cottage roof. The bedroom, although upstairs, had a window which gave straight onto a field at the same level. Needless to say, the curtains did not fit and the farmer and his sons walked past early every morning.

We became well acquainted with the farmer, who took to making unannounced calls in the evenings. Endlessly garrulous, he cross-examined us about the royal family, whom he appeared to assume were our near neighbours. He once brought a large fish as a gift, which had to be disposed of surreptitiously, since it was crawling with worms.

The swollen hand became a swollen arm and medical help was sought. The antihistamines prescribed meant that the bride spent substantial parts of the rest of the honeymoon fast asleep. When she was awake, the best strategy was to be out of the cottage as much as possible, on long sightseeing trips, avoiding the need to prepare meals, drink the water or socialise with the farmer.

Two days earlier than planned, we gave up, drove to the ferry port and found a clean, friendly, well-appointed B&B.Nicky and Chris Husbands, Norfolk

• Have you had a crap holiday ? If so, tell us about it. The writers of stories we publish will receive a £20 Boots First Aid Kit from Boots (0845 070 8090 boots.com) for taking the sting out of minor holiday mishaps. Email crap.holidays@observer.co.uk