Life beyond the loss.

Group Therapy Thursday: Week Three

If I had one wish right now, it would be this: to live the rest of my life free from regret. Specifically, regret fueled by fear. I’m very good at coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t challenge myself. It’s not the right time…. Tomorrow is another day…. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be…. This isn’t something that I really needed to do, anyway…. Oh, I could go on all day long making excuses as to why I shouldn’t push myself out of my safety zone, but it all comes back to the one thing I’m really doing – making excuses because I’m afraid.

My Comfort Zone Challenge:

There is a really nice, very personable woman who works at the doggie daycare place where we board Brulee and Emmie. Whenever we drop the dogs off, whether for the day or for the week, ‘Pam’ is always there with a smile and a kind word. Mind you, we’ve been taking Brulee there for over 5 years so I’ve seen and talked with Pam many times. We have a lot in common, and so I got this great idea that I should ask her out for lunch. Simple task? For me, absolutely not. Initiating any kind of casual get-together with someone I barely know is an excruciating task for me. Who doesn’t have a fear of rejection? Of putting yourself out on the line? The thought of a potentially awkward silence followed by a possible ‘Um, no thank you’ as the outcome? Ugh. Just thinking of it gives me a gut ache.

Yet, I’ve been thinking about asking her for a couple of months but always found excuses not to. I was afraid of feeling rejected. Of looking desperate. Oh, who knows what else. Anxiety-driven minds are good at producing loads of unrealistic scenarios. Long story short, a few weeks ago I got up enough nerve to email the doggie daycare owner and ask for Pam’s email address. Yes! I thought. Email, I can do! Except that I neither received a response from the owner OR from Pam.

So, I asked my husband,’What do you think that means?’ He said, ‘I think it means that the owner probably forgot to mention it to Pam. You know chaotic things are over there.’ Okay, yes. That could be a possibility. So, a couple more weeks pass along until my husband loads up the dogs to take them to camp for a day. Hey….I know! I’ll have hubby do my dirty work for me! I instruct my husband to mention to Pam that I’d like to take her out to lunch sometime as he casually passes the dogs off to her, which he does.

‘What did she say?’ I ask. ‘She said that sounded like a great idea and that she’d tie her phone number around Brulee’s leash before I pick them up after work.’ Great! That worked out pretty well, right?

But it didn’t. There was no phone number on the leash when the dogs came home that night.

So, just to make sure you’re all caught up – this makes two failed attempts at what should have been a very simple task if it had been performed the correct way – by me in person. Instead I was left with these nagging questions: did she get my request for her email and ignore it? Did she absentmindedly forget to attach her phone number, or did she deliberately forget? Maybe she just doesn’t want to have lunch with me. I was starting to become embarrassed by the whole thing (I’m not in grade school after all – adults do these kinds of things all the time, dammit!!) Yet, as time passed I was finding excuses not to go there to pick up items for the dogs. I was having my husband do it, instead. This situation I’d created was starting to control me. Uh-uh. I cannot have any of that.

So, what am I going to do? Refuse to go into this place ever again because of this one thing? No, I am not. I am going to do what I should have done in the first place. I’m going to drive over there and ask her out to lunch, face to face.

Yep. That’s what I’m going to do. The dogs need food anyway.

Cue to the present. This week’s challenge.

Before I allowed my mind to talk me out of it, I got into the car and drove over there. I put my brain on auto-pilot and refused to think of anything else other than what I was going to say. I’d have plenty of time to think about it afterwards, anyway.

When I walked in through the door, Pam was there taking some information from a customer. I went straight over to the dog food.

it was extremely chaotic. There were dogs both coming and going, there was barking and slobbering and licking and people shopping in the doggie boutique - and I wasn’t even sure if I’d get the chance to speak with her. After a few moments I started becoming seriously anxious and decided to pay for my dog food and just leave. That’s when she came up behind me and said, ‘Hi!’ I turned around and she gave me a hug. ‘Hi!’ I said.

We chatted for a few minutes and then right before she left to get back to work I said, ‘I’ve been meaning to ask you if you’d like to go out for lunch sometime.’ She said, ‘Oh, I know – that’s what your husband said.’ …Pause… I said, ‘I know how busy you are, but if you ever get a free moment and would like to go out, just give me a call.’ She said, ‘Yeah, I am crazy busy right now.’ We chatted for a few moments more and then she had to get back to work so I paid for my dog food and then left.

Now, I know that some of you may be thinking, ‘That sure didn’t sound like a satisfying ending.’ Well, in a way it wasn’t. It would have been nice if she’d sounded a little more willing but you know, I took it a lot better than I thought I would. It didn’t devastate me. It didn’t leave me feeling like a loser who can’t acquire any friends on her own. I’m sorry that Pam didn’t want to have lunch with me but honestly, it’s really okay. I’m just so happy that I finally stopped using excuses, went out there, and took a chance. That’s the important thing.

Final Thoughts:

There isn’t always going to be a happy ending every time I challenge myself because life just doesn’t work that way. But if there was ever a time when I needed an exercise to go hand-in-hand with the positive reinforcement sheet I’ve been using all month, this was it. If I hadn’t been practicing my affirmations, I could have easily berated myself over what happened. All kinds of unhealthy thoughts and feelings would have likely flowed into my mind after my offer was declined. But none did. I didn’t allow it.

Those words of light really do stick if you say them enough. It’s amazing, but they really do.

I’m looking forward to reading about how you did this week. Have a good session, everyone.

I think the most important thing to realize this week is that each of us has different comfort zones – so what might be out of my comfort zone is completely normal to someone else! It’s all about personal growth!

I did something very similar not too long ago. My daughter has tons of friends at preschool and constantly wants playdates. *I* didn’t want playdates. *I* didn’t want to go to someone house and have awkward smalltalk with the parents while my daughter plays. *I* didn’t want other kids at my house upsetting my dog and destroying my house. But it wasn’t about me and I’m a mother and I needed to buck up and do what moms are supposed to do! So I decided to approach the mom of the girl that my daughter talked about the most. The first time, I mentioned a possible playdate in passing and asked which days would work best for her and that I’d send her an email. The second time, I tentatively scheduled something with the father, but when the planned day came around, I didn’t get a confirmation. Then finally, I spoke with the mom again and she told me that the little girl wasn’t ready to go to someone else’s house by herself. So I offered for us to come over and she told me that she didn’t think that she was ready to watch 3 kids (she has 2 girls.) I wasn’t planning on dropping off my daughter for her to babysit, but whatever. So a couple of weeks went by and my daughter mentioned to me that this little girl had a playdate with another girl in the class. Then one day after school, I saw that the same little girl who wasn’t ready to go to another person’s house by herself was picked up by another parent in the class. Then it hit me, it wasn’t her, it was me. I was sad for a little bit. Rejected. Felt a bit woe as me. But I got over it and contact another parent for a playdate. This time, I got a solid yes and the little boy came over and got along with my dog and was very tidy.

It kind of sucked that my first attempt at a playdate was rejected, but like anything else, the more you practice, the easier it gets.

Jenn, thank you SO much for sharing your story. First of all, I cannot believe anyone would hesitate spending time with you. (it wasn’t you, in other words – it was most definitely HER). And your story has made me feel much better about my rejection. I’m so glad you had a happy ending. You know, I always thought it would be easier to find friends if I were a mother, but you’ve made me realize that no matter where you look, there are obstacles.
Thanks again for this!

from a lurker…in similar situations, my challenge to myself is to remember that it’s not all about me. There are a million and one reasons that someone might say no to me, including the simple fact that saying yes is outside THEIR comfort zone…none of which say anything about me. So easy to say, so hard to remember.

Well hello there, lurker!! lol
WELCOME
It’s obvious to me that you need to comment more, because what you just wrote was brilliant! Thank you for bringing that point to the table – definitely something that we all need to be reminded of. Actually, it gives me new fuel for thought. With this kind of thinking in mind, it should actually make it easier to connect with strangers. Taking it from your perspective makes it much less scary to put ourselves out there because it reminds us that we are all on the same level, really.
Hope to see you back, Amy

Congrats, Ellen. You were very successful! With regard to my official challenge for the week, as usual, you are one step ahead of me. I found your cartoon especially funny because I decided my challenge would be …. to cut my hair! Just like staying in the comfort of my cozy home every evening, sticking to my long locks was something that kept me feeling safe. I had promised myself that once I reached goal, I would cut it. I think my reasoning was that if it didn’t look good, at least I wouldn’t look completely bad. So, the first step was to have faith in my affirmations and believe that the basic premise of already looking unattractive was not true and cutting my hair was not going to make me look even less attractive. (Very, very difficult step.) The second step was to put into action what we were practicing last week in terms of refraining from putting off our lives until we reach goal. So, here I am at the third step, stepping out of my comfort zone and cutting my hair…short. The result? I like it. I really, really like it. So many tortured thoughts for nothing. I can’t believe I actually worry about these things. But, it’s okay, because I think I am literally LIVING and learning. Thank you again for helping me to see this.

Seriously, Cindy???! I had to laugh out loud, considering my haircut cartoon (thank goodness I didn’t use that cartoon BEFORE today – talk about a motivation killer!!) lol
I’m sure a LOT of people will be able to relate to the idea of letting go of your hair. My husband used to say that when we first met, I used my hair as a shield – and it was true, although I didn’t realize it until he made me aware of it. I felt like I could literally hide behind it. Being free from long hair had to be a VERY difficult thing to talk yourself into. Most people do it little by little when they’re not sure, but you? You went in there and lopped it off short? WOW!! I’m SO glad that you like it. Too bad there’s no photo attachment with your update. that’s okay though – I’m imagining a short-haired beauty, smiling really big

Your post from yesterday made me think of this song from the stage production of Mary Poppins. It’s “Practically Perfect,” and WE ALL ARE!!! Minor improvements needed, sure, but we’re all practically perfect in every way. Here’s the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eDsRWubPV4

As I read this challenge on Monday, I thought to myself “I routinely live outside of my comfort zone. There’s really nothing left for me to do.” And then I read your post today. You are awesome. Making that step to making a “real” connection to do a real activitiy is extremely difficult. And the lurker above, got this dead-on. We have no way of knowing where other peoples’ comfort zones are and we should not take this personally.

Also, it just occurred to me how much higher the stakes might be to ask someone out on a date-date!

You know, as I was writing this, using words like, ‘asking her out’ I was having great sympathy for men who go to great lengths to ask women out (or visa-versa) all the time and get turned down. I have greater respect for them, for sure.
Also, I think it’s easy to think that we’ve ‘done it all’ because we sometimes get locked into a particular definition of what ‘comfort zone’ means. Like you said, there are oceans of room (love that saying, btw) and it’s up to us to expand upon that.
Thanks for being here today, Roxie. XOXO

I just found this challenge Tuesday. When I first read about it I thought it meant to lose the hate that makes people into bullies, and makes people say awful, hurtful things about “others” (fat people, gay people, people whose skin color is different from theirs, people who wear polka-dots, you know). I was totally on board and jumped right in. I went back to the 1st week challenge, and realized that wasn’t exactly where this was going, but it seemed like a worthwhile exercise, anyway. So I did the exercise, then went to the first Group Therapy Thursday and read all of your posts, and decided to do the 2nd week challenge, too. I didn’t post my answers since you all seem to have moved on, but I did put them in a Word document so I can see my progress.
I went on to the 3rd week challenge. Now, consider that I’ve done the last 2 weeks in 2 days. It’s been fun, and I feel like I know some of you, but you have no earthly idea who I am. So here I am, arriving late at a party full of people who all know each other, but not me.
By way of a quick introduction, I’ll print my answers to a bit of the questions from the last 2 weeks:

Week 1: Think back to a time or place in your life when you formed negative thoughts about yourself. Why do you think you are undeserving of praise?

“I don’t think I’m undeserving of praise. I deserve more praise than I give myself, in fact. One of the first times I remember someone making me think negatively about myself was when a neighbor said I had turned into a “little butterball”. I also remember my father making various comments over the years about fat women which were quite negative and demeaning and scornful. And then there were the years I was forced to exercise: isometrics, Jack LaLanne, and the abject humiliation of PE in school.”

Was there a specific event that caused you to change the way you perceive yourself?

Is it because you’ve always been reminded of your imperfections or weaknesses?

“I’ve decided that I’m as perfect as I need to be. I don’t really think in terms of weaknesses.”

Is it because you’re not receiving enough positive feedback from people whose opinions really matter to you?

“The only person whose opinions really matter to me is me. I do work on positive feedback quite a bit.”

Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself?

“I don’t think so. I expect myself to live up to my values, which include my love of learning, being kind to others and myself, remembering that every person is a treasure, and striving every day to fulfill my purpose in life: to create and share fun in the world.”

Were you taught these habits from living in an unhealthy environment?

“I was lucky to find an environment which allowed me to get rid of a lot of the negative crap I had acquired, as we all do, growing up in whatever our circumstances were. Learning hypnosis and being part of an experimental hypnosis group was especially valuable.”

Write about it, and then ask yourself: How can I find a way to forgive those who have hurt me? How can I forgive myself?

“I’ve done quite a bit of work on forgiveness over the last 9 years, but listening to Louise Hay’s “Self-Healing” CD in my car for 3 months or so last summer really got me there.”

Week 2: Do this at some point before Thursday so you can write about the experience.
(I skipped the esteem-deflating questions as they were no fun.)
Now, answer these questions so that they can be seen by everyone reading your update:

“I often receive the most compliments on my eyes, my singing voice, and how smart and funny I am.
What I admire most about myself when I look at my reflection is how pretty my hair is.
I take pride in my ability to cook delicious healthy meals that nourish everyone who eats them, and my writing.
I love the fact that I can make almost anybody smile.
My greatest quality is that I’m fun.”

For the 3rd week’s challenge, to do something that takes me out of my comfort zone, here I am, joining a group of strangers and sharing things about myself that perhaps even people who know me well don’t know about me. I almost weaseled out of posting this, but reading everyone else’s responses was so great I just decided to do it.

I’m sorry this is so long, but I don’t have a blog, so I’m posting it here.

Welcome, Denise!! How wonderful to have you along – regardless of where we are. We’re just glad you’re here
It sounds like you have been doing a lot of this work for some time now as your answers appear to be quite healthy and well thought-out. I’m so glad that meditation CD helped you last summer. You are the second person who’s mentioned these; I really need to look into those, I think.
So glad you posted and that you’ve been following along. I’m sorry you didn’t initially get what you expected out of this challenge, but I hope you’ve enjoyed it nonetheless – and I hope to see you back here for our final group therapy day next week.

Had I not had the wrong idea about what the Hate-Loss Challenge was about, I probably would not have looked at it. And in spite of my original misunderstanding from the title, anything that gets us to turn loose of some hate (for anything/one) is a good idea in my opinion. And I’ve had fun with the challenges this far. So it’s more of a serendipity.

I can’t believe you have such an amazingly appropriate story to share! I wasn’t thrilled with the lack of complete joy and embracing of her good fortune at knowing you… but as you say, much more important is how you felt after and how you’re okay with everything.
So interesting that all your maneuvering to avoid the personal risk caused so many more problems.
I’m still working on mine. I almost feel like so many things I have to do are out of my comfort zone that I’m exempt from this. But I’ve got a couple of ideas.

tree, if you want to brainstorm with me on picking something out (even something small) I’d be happy to assist in any way I can, although you already know this.
And YES, my constant ‘great ideas’ of getting someone else to do my work for me just made things worse. Lesson learned on that one. NO SHORT CUTS. They will always make me look like a crazy person or worse yet, a stalker. lol

This reminded me of a story from when my daughter was 8 months old. I was still “transitioning” from a career woman to a full time mother. I had very few friends who stayed home. I was lonely. I was in the grocery store one day and asked a shopper with a baby if she could help me find a teething cracker. I had been searching the aisles for a bit… anyway- we started talking about our babies and they were the same age. This stranger too had given up her career and was staying at home. Inside I had this “discussion” with myself. I knew that if I didn’t ask her if she wanted to get together sometime- I would never see her again. It was like I was asking someone out on a first date. I was really nervous- but I did it. I asked her if she wanted to meet at the park with our kids sometime. Our families are close friends to this day. (11 years later)
I am really proud of you for pushing yourself to do this. I still can’t imagine why this woman would not want to have lunch with you! Our virtual teas are so nice- the real deal would just be AWESOME!!! As another commenter said- it probably has nothing to do with you. That is always our first assumptions. We have NO idea what is going on in other peoples lives and why they do what they do. Still- she missed an amazing opportunity and has NO idea! xoxoxox

It’s so nice to hear about good endings! And to think, if you hadn’t initiated it, you’d all have missed out on such a great opportunity for your families to come together.
I’m going to keep putting myself out there, Jill. Who knows; maybe I’ll still hear from this gal eventually. If not, then it just wasn’t meant to be.

Thank you, Vickie. I appreciate this comment. I think that the people who do these kinds of things are dealing with their OWN self esteem issues, or anxiety issues or what-have-you. I am determined to NOT take things personally; it doesn’t do me any good to, that’s for sure.

When I sold real estate several years ago, sometimes people would do something very similar. I would do a listing presentation or find them some homes to look at, and they would say, “Oh, that sounds great! Let me get back to you.” And I would never hear from them again. The first few times I was very hurt, especially when I found out they were working with another realtor. Then I realized, they were actually doing me a favor by weeding themselves out. The couple of instances where I knew the other realtor and talked to them about it, these people had proved to be far more trouble than they were worth, and a pain in the neck to boot. And as I changed the way I looked at these episodes, I found I had a lot more fun with the people who did want to work with me.

It drives me CRAZY when people do this. This most definitely has to do with confrontation issues on their part. They don’t want to assert themselves and just be honest. I think it’s great that you’ve changed your outlook like this. Makes your kind of job so much less stressful, I bet.

Yeah, that was a tough ending. But you are going to do it again right? You are continuing to take your pups there right? Her decisions have no bearing on what you think and know to be true about yourself right???

What sucks: Not everyone will be in love with me. How could they not be because if they only knew how awesome I am!
What sucks: Giving up on giving everyone you like a chance at a piece of awesome you.

Speaking of I have a note for you in draft. I saw it there this morn. Thought I sent it to you and then I looked at it and realized I stopped mid long note to… go eat. I have my priorities lady!

I was outside shoveling and I came in to write this before I forgot. Since we have moved here and do not work making friends has not exactly been easy – especially since the whole damn place is insular. People were friendly to me on the street, but were not available for friendship. I had to do something just like you – I had to put myself out there to people who who I (ME) may or may not like. I did not know. I just put it out there. Sometimes there was no spark. But you know what – that was not a reflection on them. Perfectly nice folks, but there was no connection. Other people adore them, I like them, but hanging with them – meh. One lady was super nice, but we had nothing in common. Another well, her husband was a weirdo.

I am bitchy. YOU are not. So there was plenty of reasons for people not to call me back. Plus I am tricky with wanting to get together.

My point. Ahem. Was that sometimes no is a godsend. Not everyone is a fit.

And one more thing before I repile the coats back on: Once Mr. Munchberry made an offcolor joke during a superbowl game and we never got asked back to a clique that was very hard to break into (neighbors). Mr. Munchberry thinks it was because of him. I was relieved. Those women did not like me. Sincerely they didn’t. One did, but the alpha hen actively disliked me. Not everyone is going to adore you AND that is OK, except for them because they are losing big. Or not. maybe they are all into doing their miniature towns and anyone who does not share that passion is just in the way.

Thank you for these comments, MB. Yes, I am still going to put myself out there. I’m pretty much over it. I had the sense that she was going to turn me down anyway after the first two attempts fizzled out but I knew that if I didn’t get that closure by asking her in person I’d always feel funny about going in there, and that would add a whole mess of stress that I don’t need in my life right now.

Oh my! Okay, I’m like others and had a bit of anxiety just reading about your experience. I will have no choice but to ask complete strangers to do lunch, or whatever, come July and it scares the hell out of me. I am just learning to ask my friends and family for what I need i.e help after surgery, so this will be tricky, but doable. Remembering that the rejection has more to do with them than me will be helpful.
I had to look up Louise Hay right away and listened to a podcast interview. Interesting woman. Now I have to figure out downloading her material from the public library onto my iPad!
My post is here: http://goodnuff.wordpress.com/2012/01/19/hate-loss-group-therapy-day-2/

It took a lot of guts for you to go and ask her face to face despite the previous 2 failed attempts. I hope I’m not wrong but i’ve got a feeling that you will both be going for lunch together in the near future when shes not busy. Fingers crossed for you!!

P.S – Sorry I’ve not been involved with this Hate-Loss Challenge. I know when you first mentioned that you were doing it again I said I was looking forward to it, well the past few weeks have been pretty crazy what with trying to hit my target goal. I can’t believe I got there! You probably dont realise this but whenever I feel down or de-motivated, I always think of the original hate-loss challenge and it really does help, so I might not be taking part in this one but I haven’t actually stopped taking part in the other one!!

Thanks for the great comments on my blog btw + your support since pretty much day one. It means so much, more than I can ever explain in words.

What a super sweet comment, Tim. Thank you (you made my day!)
And OH, my goodness – please don’t apologize for not participating in this challenge. The two you were doing back to back over the holidays were enough to warrant you a break, I’d think! lol
Still amazing to think that you are now at goal! It seems like it was just yesterday when you started your blog; then again, you’ve walked a LOT of miles (and ran) to get where you are. You know what’s super cool? I’ve officially had to move your blog over to my ‘fellow maintainers’ folder!! Woo-Hoo!!

I borrowed 2 of your ideas since I couldn’t come up with anything on my own. My first was to wear something I would not normally wear. I chose to wear a pair of pretty earrings that I bought several months ago to work. They are larger & dressy than anything I would normally wear. I’ve put off wearing them to work and only wore them on the weekends. I tell you at first I was uneasy. I hate to draw any attention to myself, but after the first half hour of work and no negative feedback, it just made me feel so pretty and strong. I plan to make them a part of my work attire. Today I made myself look everyone I spoke with directly in the eye. I also made it a point to say hello and ask how everyone was doing today. Even to folks I don’t know and it was a wonderful exercise. Not so scary after all and I even got a few smiles back. I’ve been having a really good month so far. This challenge has really helped me feel so much better about me. Looking at the positive and using my sheet has brought such positive change. I’ve even been humming and smiling all day at work this past week! I know I am going to have crap days, but that is life. Looking forward to next weeks challenge.

You are so brave! Your story reminds me of an episode a few months ago. There’s this woman I’ve known for almost 2 years and we’ve always had great conversations. When I moved out of the area I didn’t see her regularly anymore, but when I had dental work in the area I made an appointment to see her. I arrived at her gate and rang the bell, but no-one answered. I phoned her cell, but no one answered, so I phoned the landline. Her daughter answered and I asked to speak to V. The daughter said that she couldn’t come to the phone, so I said that we’d made an appointment and that I was actually standing in the street. The daughter told me to hold on, which I did. And then nothing happened. I stood there for about 10 minutes and then I left. I haven’t heard from her again and I haven’t contacted her again. No idea what that was all about! But it wasn’t about me!

I’m so in awe of you for not letting this get you down. I would have been crushed. I’ve been going through some (perhaps??) drama with one of my best friends and it’s completely drained me. I’ve left her two voicemails and sent two emails and left several Facebook messages and she’s not returning any of them. My feelings are so hurt, and yet she’s pretty high maintenance and I wouldn’t be all that sad for the friendship to die a natural death, you know? Even so, I feel completely rejected and I’m hurt. I’ve been meaning to write a blog post about it, but I need a little distance to process it a bit before I write. I’m proud of you for not being upset. That’s my goal!