I am the First Lady of HR with a stellar career.
"People" is my middle name, on Tuesdays.
"Save a dollar, save a dime, spending cash is a corporate crime"

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Customer service to be intimate until our product works

Following the clash between our Chairman, Comrade Carl Marks-VP R&D, and our hapless CEO Stan over the level of customer service, I am "rolling out" a webinar on Customer Intimacy as well as new voice menu for Customer Service.

The webinar focuses on developing a robust and near lusty relationship with clients, using suggestive languages and calling the clients "guests".

Private rooms (day use) may be available for yet-to-be-hired customer service reps (to be hired in North Korea and Bolivia) after some resilient and agile English language training.

Our service voice menu has been changed until our product becomes stable.

Hi Sweety, for information about our next software version release, and some relaxation techniques, press one

Hi baby, for information about the lack of documentation and a massage, press two

Hi honey, for information about our nebulous product road map and the time of your life, press three.

To speak to a wow wow wow service attendant, please enter your license number, your social security number and the last three number of your credit card, and we will get back to you "in alignment with our core values".We love you. We lust for you. You turn us on....big time!