This week's issue comes with a FREE 2005 'Freaks, Geeks, and Weirdos' calendar. Instead of having US holidays like Presidents Day, Labor Day, etc, marked, it has significant pseudonews events and odd pseudoholidays. I'm going to share a few (but not all, there's lots) with you.

Now, here we go.25 signs you are going to HELLYou might be bound for the dark realm if you...- can name 10 beers but not one of the 10 commandments- think WWJD stands for 'What would J-lo do'- are a whoremonger- can't stand harp music- wear white after Labor Day- have build a shrine to Michael Jackson, even a small one- have severed hedz in your freezer- have occasionally asked God to damn something for you- have considered selling your soul for a Mercedes convertible- sometimes use the Lord's name in vain, especially when you can't find the TV remote or stub your toe in the dark- have watched a movie with graphic violence, brief nudity, sexual themes, or adult language- use the F word more than once a day- feel powerful and satisfied after squashing an insect- have engaged in sexual acts for reasons other than procreation- have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions- don't understand what's so bad about alcohol since it makes you feel so good- ever fell down because you drank too much. "The bible says 'thou mayest swayeth on thy feet' says [made-up expert name]- ever laughed at or imitated a mentally or physically handicapped person. "This is especially difficult as the rule includes midgets with big heads" says [made-up expert]- ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex- ever had a bath or shower with someone of the same sex- are a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual, or metrosexual- ever rolled your eyes at the mention of Mother Theresa- make a practice of stepping on sidewalk cracks- belong to any organized religion. "Every religion believes the members of every other religion are going to hell," explains [made-up expert]. "And since you can only belong to one religion at a time, it's a catch-22 situation."- covet your neighbor's wife, husband, car, house, donkey or any of their household appliances.

Damn, that was pretty funny. I honestly believe I could have written that. I need to stop fucking around and just write some fake news stories.

It's so weird - I had a dream about you last night. Remember I had a dream about you a month or two ago as well. Why do I dream about you? We've never met, and we don't even really talk (though I'll always consider you a friend even if we don't talk). Every couple of months I end up having a dream about you where we're hanging out together. In this one, I was some kind of master map-maker, and you had hired me to draw maps of imaginary places in your head. Then I think some romance happened, but I woke up and I don't remember that part.

My dream occupation used to be cartographer, until I realized it really did involve shitloads of actual work. Not really, but it really was on my list of #1 occupations to have, cartographer. I'm just not good at that sort of thing.And we are friends, even if we don't talk so much anymore. Now that I work for the phone company and they'd track my overseas calls ;)