From Dreaming To Living

Day 72: Addiction To Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to, and enslaved to fear, and stress – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself in seeing how much of my life, how much of my thoughts, my actions, and my daily participation is based on fear of survival – and how fear is the reason that I am not able to live here in every breath – because I constantly use my mind to project myself into the future, in order to attempt to control my future in fear of survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to control my future, and to within this fear that I will not be able to stabilize myself in the world system, and make anything out of myself, because I will not be able to create a effective, and sustainable relationship with money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry, and to experience, anxiety, and stress – and to feel that I am in a bad world, a ruthless world, and that the only way for me to exist is to fear, and to make sure that I fear everything, because apparently that strengthens my ability to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to beat the system from a starting point of fear, wherein I will try to maneuver myself so that I won’t loose in this world, and with loose meaning that I loose money, that I loose my stability, that I loose access to finances, and that my life because of this becomes unstable, unsustainable, and unpredictable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety that my life is going to be unpredictable in the future, and that I am not going to know, or be able to prepare myself for the future, but that I will instead loose myself in this world, and become one of those millions of people with no home, with no voice, with no money, with no purpose, that have been rejected and secluded by the system, and that are doomed to exist on the outskirts of the system barely surviving; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, and to hold myself back form walking into and standing within and as the system, through giving into fear, and accepting and allowing fear to become my god – instead I standing as my own god as self-directive principle in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety in relation to what grade, and what mark I might get on the classes of this term, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that unless I get a superior grade, that is better, and more effective than any others, that I won’t get a effective job, and that I because of that won’t be able to support myself, and I won’t be able to support another, and that thus my reality, and my world will become unpredictable, and I won’t really know, or understand what it is that I am going to do to sort things out; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear, and to live in anxiety, and to live in stress towards the future, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand, that regardless of whether I stress or not – I can’t control the future – I can’t access and have full and complete control – and thus the solution is to let go of fear – to let go of anxiety – and to accept and allow myself to breath and bring myself back into my human physicalbody – back here to physical breath, and physical movement, to not anymore be possessed by the mind as fear but instead live physical and practically here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety, and fear that I won’t get the best marks, in fear that I won’t get the best job, in fear that I will thus be a failure in my life, and I will not have access to any point in the system wherein I can be considered as a winner, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as, and become a victim to stress, a victim to fear, and to make and design my entire living around fear – wherein I move myself in fear, I interact in fear, I think in fear, I make decisions in fear, and I breath in fear, instead of accepting and allowing myself to realize that being in fear is not living – it’s not in-fact standing – it’s instead being dead, and being a slave to a energy; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here and to stop living in fear – and instead live fully in every moment so that there will be no regret when I die

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry within me this huge burden of fear, and anxiety towards the future, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this huge, and massive energy of fear within me limits me, and how it in-facts makes my daily living to be uncomfortable, and to be very undesirable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath and bring myself back here to the physical, and give myself the opportunity to let go of all fear and instead focus upon living – because in living fully there is no room for fear, there is no room for though, there is no room for backchat, there is no room for any mental hidden secretive reality, because I am fully here – fully present – one and equal with and as the moment as myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to fail in making money for myself in the future, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a pattern to participate in ideas, and beliefs of myself, that I am a failure, and that I must watch out in my life, because if I don’t make sure that I am prepared, and that I walk in fear, I am going to fail, and within that make my life a living hell; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not say stop, and realize that I decidewho I am, and that I am not a failure only because a thought in my mind comes up saying that I am, because I have the opportunity to direct myself, and to decide how I will accept and allow myself to exist, and how I will accept and allow myself to experience myself within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of any hopes, and expectations that my life will work out, and that my life will be comfortable, and within this embrace the worst possible outcome, realizing that I must stand stable, calm, and directive in the worst possible outcome, else I am not real, but merely a product of my environment; as such I commit myself to embrace, and stand stable in the worst possible outcome – and thus stop my fear of the future

When and as I see I go into fear about the future, or about my studies, or about how I will make money in the future, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I decide who I am, not the fear, and that I decide what I will accept and allow within and as myself, not the mind; as such I commit myself to decide that I am no longer a slave to fear but that I will instead live completely and fully in every moment so that there is no room for a mental reality within me