I am writing this for me, as a way to express the complex layers of feelings that surface as I make my way through breast cancer - the diagnosis, the surgeries and the treatments.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

hurting and healing

I still hurt. I wonder how long it takes to heal. I wonder when this seroma will go away. My mastectomy surgery was 4 weeks ago tomorrow, and it seems I should be further along the in healing than this.

I decided to keep this blog public, because when I search for answers to my questions, like “how long does it take for a mastectomy seroma to heal?” the most I get is research answers. Like: “the study shows that the length of time that drains were left in does not affect the incidence of seromas.”

like a diamond ...

Before the mastectomy, I saw an MRI image of my invasive breast cancer on a computer screen. This was the day before they did the MRI-guided biopsy. There was nothing vague about it – it looked clear and defined, bright and shiny – like a diamond. When I saw it, I did not know that it was cancer, and I asked the Dr. what else it could be. Oh, a density of fibrous tissue or something, he said. All I knew was that it was different from everything around it, and I have come to trust that my breast cancer is, indeed, some kind of treasure.

Though I write honestly, and sometimes perhaps flippantly and cynically, about my experiences with breast cancer and the medical system, I mean no disrespect to the professionals who treat me. I am incredibly grateful for their knowledge and skills, their very hands(!) – and I am humbled by the way they dedicate their lives (and days and nights) to the health and care of our bodies (my body!). The personalities of my doctors and their assistants, with all of their human variations, truly do bless and charm me.