Daniels is not dead. Archer is the most important guy in history. T'Pol would really like the Temporal Cold War to STFU.

Enterprise, Season 1

"Shockwave, Pt 1"

We call this style of architecture "Post-Post-Modern Apocalypse."

On its way to visit a friendly mining colony, the Enterprise crew accidentally burn off the Parragan's atmosphere, causing at least 3,600 deaths. Everyone freaks out, especially the Vulcans, who demand the Enterprise mission be scrapped. On their depressed way home, though, Daniels spontaneously time-warps Archer 10 months into the past, so they can "talk in private" or we can enjoy Scott Bakula's naked chest.

Option B it is!

Daniels says that the Parragan disaster was never supposed to happen, timeline-wise, and the Suliban are behind it. So, instead of using his time-travel powers to going back to the day before the Parragan disaster and telling Archer "srsly, don't go down to that planet, because the Suliban are going to make you incinerate the population," Daniels gives Archer a bunch of information about how to track down the Suliban. Okay. So, there are shenanigans with Enterprise capturing some Suliban data, and then Temporal Shower Man is like "HOLD THE DAMN PHONE" and sends Silik & company to kidnap Archer.

Archer agrees to go with the Suliban on the condition that Enterprise be allowed to go free. Unfortunately for everyone, Daniels time-travels Archer into the future to save him from being captured. That's when you get the awesome apocalyptic shot up top there, because bringing Archer into the future has apparently wiped out history, leaving only Daniels and Archer on a long-destroyed maybe-Earth. God, Daniels is the worst temporal agent ever.

Enterprise, Season 2

"Shockwave, Pt II"

The library of oh-shit-we-destroyed-the-human-race-and-left-our-library-cards-at-home-too.

You've got to feel for Daniels. He's basically the most inept time-traveler in history, but he's just so darn earnest. Therefore, it seems unfair that he's wearing the worst outfit in history and stuck on a thoroughly destroyed planet with only Archer for company, and all Archer is doing is asking questions like "WTF DID YOU DO?" and "Wait, if the future is destroyed, how am I here?" and "Wait, if the future is destroyed, why are YOU here?" and all Daniels can do is say "LOOK, IDK, the writers didn't think this through at the end of last season and so we're just HERE, okay?" Daniels also mentions that because Archer wasn't there, the Federation never existed. Archer's all "Whaaat is this Federation I'm supposed to invent?" and Daniels at least has the decency to call this plot the worst mistake in the history of time travel.

"The Science Vulcan Directorate has determined that time travel is... not fair."

Meanwhile, on Enterprise, the Suliban have taken over, and T'Pol is tortured for information. Even under the duress of hard drugs, she refuses to acknowledge the possibility of time travel. Atta girl! We learn that Temporal Shower Man has disappeared, presumably a result of Daniels seriously botching the future. In the far-future, Daniels uses a communicator, a scanner, and a soup ladle to make a TimeSkype device like Temporal Shower Man's, which allows Archer to talk to his crew. Daniels says they learned to do this in high school, which seems like such a bad idea. I can only imagine every high school boy in the 31st century building a time machine to find out if Catherine the Great really fucked a horse.

Temporal Shower Archer.

There's a great series of scenes of Enterprise crew retaking the ship and setting up Silik to use some of the future tech in Daniels' quarters to bring Archer back to the present. Victory! But then they have to deal with the Vulcan High Command, who still wants the mission cancelled. Archer gives a baby gazelle speech that isn't nearly as horrifying as it seemed when it aired live, and the mission is allowed to continue. HOORAY!

Oh, except the Parragans are still all dead, which I'm sure doesn't affect the future at all. I figure a less-inept temporal agent fixes that behind the scenes.

"Future Tense"

It's bigger on the inside.

Enterprise finds a space pod that baffles their sensors and brains and causes people standing near it to sometimes repeat conversations about dinosaurs over and over again. Daniels, the most inept temporal agent of all time (and with temporal agents, all time really means something), left an Encyclopedia of the Future in his quarters, in which Archer looks up the mysterious pod and finds that it's from the future. Item 2 entered into evidence is the dead pilot inside the pod, who is mostly human, with a dash of Vulcan, Rigelian, and assorted other DNA. T'Pol reacts to the news of a Vulcan/Human hybrid with general disgust. Archer's reaction is more "Yep, I'd hit that."

The Suliban, naturally, want the pod. Also, the Tholians want it, and they are completely badass and destroy the Suliban ships, damage a Vulcan cruiser, and nearly destroy Enterprise. Our Heroes are saved by reactivating a temporal beacon found inside the pod, which is bigger on the inside but probably not a TARDIS. The pod is yoinked back into the future, and everybody goes, "That was really weird," and T'Pol still won't have Archer's babies.

"The Expanse"

Temporal Shower Man: actual giant or compensating?

Florida gets nuked by unknown parties, and Enterprise is recalled to Earth. High on the list of Archer's the last fucking thing I need right now are Duras, a Klingon who's trying to capture him for reasons I forget, and Silik, who's trying to capture him because Temporal Shower Man needs to talk to him. Temporal Shower Man tells Archer that Florida was nuked by the Xindi, who have been told that humans will destroy their planet sometime in the future. They're being told this by ANOTHER Temporal Cold War participant, whom we haven't met yet. At one point, Temporal Shower Man says that the Suliban work "only for me," which possibly means that he's a lone crazy man rather than a "faction." If the Suliban are really just doing the bidding of one insane future guy who possibly learned to make his TimeSkype in high school, the Temporal Cold War makes a lot more sense.

Figuring they have nothing to lose by believing this guy, Archer convinces Starfleet to let him take Enterprise into the Delphic Expanse to hunt down the Xindi and stop them from building another weapon. I totally forgot that we knew all along that the Xindi were part of the Temporal Cold War, because they really don't mention it again until the end of the season.

To recap, in ascending order of temporal powers:

Team Starfleet:Goal: To be left alone.Originates: 22nd century.Archer: Time travel is possible but extremely frustrating.T'Pol: THE VULCAN SCIENCE DIRECTORATE... oh, fuck it.Trip: Would like to meet a Stegosaurus.

Team People Talking to Xindi:Goal: DESTROY EARTH.Originates: ...??Special Powers: Talking to the past (TimeSkype), sending small objects into the past.

Team Temporal Agents:Goal: To prevent anyone, including themselves, from massively screwing up the future.Originates: 31st century.Special Powers: Can actually travel through time.Daniels: Really needs a new career path.

Holy crap. Your writeups are the most clear concise meta-timeline of the whole thing I've ever seen. AND I STILL CAN'T MAKE ANY SENSE OF IT!

The more I read this, the more I realize the one giant gaping mistake the writers made. With the exception of Daniels, not a single actor in these temporal shenanigans has any motivation. I mean, they're supposed to, but the audience never knows what it is, so, *yawn*, we stop caring after about 2 episodes.

Also, I totally forgot about the Xindi being part of it all. Did we ever learn who manipulated them into this, and why? I'm betting no at least on the Why part. *sigh*

Shockingly, kind of! I mainlined most of the time-travel episodes of Season 3 yesterday, and think I kind of get it. Kind of. Like, the people manipulating the Xindi (the Sphere Builders) are just using the Xindi to wipe out Earth, because IN THE FUTURE the Federation defeats the Sphere Builders in some epic battle. They have speshul powerz that let them see alternate timelines, so they try to manipulate the past to make things turn out better for them, I guess.

Daniels and company are up in arms about this, because it's Messing With The Past!!11! but I think the Sphere Builders are totally not aware that they're part of a Temporal Cold War. They just happen to be messing with time and hatin' on humans.

Don't get too excited about It Making Sense, though, because in the next few episodes it all goes to hell again, this time with Space Nazis.

I GUESS KIND OF?? I don't know if the Sphere Builder aliens actually know they're part of the Temporal Cold War, but they're messing with stuff from the future, so the other Temporal Cold War people are like "HEY WAIT A MINUTE." Then they do nothing except send Archer in.

Hmm, I hadn't considered that episode, but yes, you're right, there IS time travel in that, kind of. I wonder if alternate universe time travel should count since it means we get to see everyone all Sexy and Evil and dressed up?

I CAN ONLY WISH that someone would show up and alter the timeline so that episode doesn't happen. Ehhhnnng. It's so sad to watch the actors act their little hearts out and you're like "omg, guys, don't even bother, THIS EPISODE IS AWFUL." Space Nazis. What.

Yes, yes he would. I assume this crackfic already exists somewhere on the wild internets, too. It would be like that time Spock went back into history on that random planet and started devolving into a proto-Vulcan. Because that's totally what T'Pol needs - another excuse to become emotion-crazed!