World's Easiest Dessert

It’s the night before your class party, bake sale, or school's holiday roller derby, and you signed up to bring a dessert. What do you do? You have three options.

1. Fake an illness and stay home from school.
2. Because you don’t want to be a liar, actually get sick by licking other peoples’ coffee cups. Then stay home from school.
3. Run to the grocery store and buy a stale, yellowish apple pie that will taste slightly worse than sugary paper.
4. Make delicious, rich, and decadent Cool Whip Candies.

Cool Whip Candies (or Orbs of Fantasy, as we like to call them) are the easiest thing in the world to make. If we can make them, anyone can make them…even untrained dolphins or slightly trained chipmunks. Here's how:

You’ll need three 12-oz. bags of milk chocolate chips (or a few large chocolate bars.) The measurement doesn't need to be precise. Just get a bunch of milk chocolate. Do not use semi-sweet or baker’s chocolate, unless you like to be hated.

You’ll also need a standard package of your favorite cookies. We like the Keebler Fudge Stripe ones. But just about any cookie or graham cracker will be fine. (Though Oreos or anything with a creamy center might get sticky.) And of course, you’ll also need one 16-oz. container of Cool Whip.

You will also need a microwave, a bowl, hands (w/ fingers), eyes, a plate, a spoon, something to wipe your hands on, a shirt (optional), pants (mandatory), taste buds, and some holiday music to play in the background. (If no holiday music is available, listen to sexy, soulful, smooth jazz.) It also helps to have a plastic baggie. If you don’t own a microwave, you should be able to use a stove top, or very, very, very warm bucket.

Step One: Wash your hands. They’re filthy.

Step Two: Melt the chocolate in the microwave (or very, very, very warm bucket). You can read ten different websites, each describing a different way to melt chocolate in a microwave. Screw that. Put the chocolate in a microwave safe bowl, set the microwave to medium, and zap it for 30 seconds. Then mix and repeat until the chocolate is mostly liquid splendor. (It’s OK to have clumps because they will melt away in a matter of moments when you mix the chocolate.)

Step Three: While the chocolate is melting in the microwave, crush up the cookies by placing them in the plastic bag and smashing them with your hands, a heavy book, or a nearby sock filled with batteries.

Step Four: Once the chocolate is melted, dump in the Cool Whip (all of it), and stir until combined.

Step Five: Then, once the mixture is cool enough to touch, take a glob of your milk chocolate Cool Whip creation and use your hands to form a ball that is exactly 3.81 centimeters. (Just kidding. The size doesn’t matter, but anything smaller than a golf ball will work the best.)

Take this ball-of-wonderful and roll it around in your crumbled cookies, coating every side. (Your finished product should look something like this.) Place the crumb-covered sphere on a plate, and make another ball of delight. Keep doing this until you are out of your Cool Whip mixture. Refrigerate the balls (giggle), for an hour or two. Then eat them. Then make more because you ate the first batch, forgetting to save some for the party.