The Art of Positive Thinking

Negative thinking doesn't just ruin a family dinner, it ruins lives.

You know the feeling. You're sitting at Thanksgiving dinner with grandparents, siblings, extended family, and cousins, looking forward to seeing your siblings who have moved out in different directions. The conversation’s going well; you’re all laughing and reminiscing about old times.

And then he starts – the relative who always has something negative to say. He's the complainer who has discontent written all over his face. In Yiddish we say that he has a ‘farbissinerpanim’. Nothing is ever good enough. He brings up old hurts and rivalries. The food isn't to his liking. He squabbles with everyone about everything. He sulks. He grumbles under his breath. He rolls his eyes as you speak. And of course, he’s always right and knows better.

Dinner is ruined. You can’t really put your finger on it but you are left with an awful taste in your mouth. It is the power of the negative that can extinguish your positive feelings and cast a shadow in the room.

If this is the picture of just one Thanksgiving meal, imagine what happens when children grow up with parents who are negative thinkers?

Inheriting Negativity

Pessimistic parents breed children who lack self-esteem. Finding fault, even in oneself, becomes second nature. These kids are so used to hearing ‘down thoughts’, it becomes difficult to see the good. Criticism and observing life through a ‘bad eye’ becomes a way of life. Nitpicking, sarcastic comments, and knocking each other contribute to sibling rivalry and fighting.

Pessimistic parents breed children who lack self-esteem.

When we raise children with a positive, can-do attitude we will find that they see life through a good eye. Instead of saying that things are impossible, disgusting or finding constant problems, these kids have a positive way about them. But the attitude must begin with us.

How often have you gone on vacation and made a face when shown your room? What about getting served in a restaurant and constantly complaining about the service or food you ordered? Do you grumble in the car while returning from a family wedding or get-together?

These are just a few little examples of the day to day interactions that mold our children’s views of the world. What we fail to recognize is that it is the little moments that shape our children’s attitude. They are watching and listening. They are taking it all in. It is a trickle-down pessimism that creeps into the bones of our home. We can make a difference if we decide to see daily events that occur through a more positive eye. Our children will pick up on our attitude-they always do.

Recently I was asked to speak in a community outside of N.Y. It was one of many lectures that I was giving. As the day of the event approached, I spoke to the program coordinator to review the details. We confirmed that I would be staying in a local hotel and flying home the morning after.

Late that night I went online to confirm the hotel reservation. I typed in the name of the hotel, it was a well-known chain. And then the words BED BUG ALERT jumped out at me. Photos, first hand testimonies and awful comments filled my computer screen. Ugh! What should I do?

At midnight I decided that instead of flying home, I would find a way to drive home. As far as it was, it was still a doable car trip. I emailed the event coordinator with my new plan and we found someone to drive me both ways. I was then informed that the trip normally takes five hours but with traffic it would take seven.

Seven hours in a car each way?! Well, I had already made my decision and I was committed to speak. The morning of the big drive, I woke up sick. I had a hacking cough and my whole body hurt. Knowing that I’d be in a car for 14 hours did not help me feel better. Talk about negative thinking!

We left at 11 a.m., for a 7 p.m. speech. I had been advised to tack on an added hour for traffic just in case. I was not exactly in the most positive mood.

We arrived at our destination at 4 p.m., three hours early! Now my mind really started to fill with the negative thoughts.

Why did you think you had to leave so early?

Why did you have to drive anyway?

What are you going to do now for three hours? You could’ve been home all this time!

And then I realized that I was doing exactly what I knew in my heart we should not do. I was thinking negative.

What about the fact that I had arrived without hitting terrible traffic? What about recognizing God’s kindness in allowing me to reach my destination safely? How about the fact that I was about to address a wonderful community who had reached out to me and graciously invited me to speak?

I decided to do a turn-around. No more negative thoughts. No more contemplating the day through down observations. Positive thoughts began to fill my mind. A feeling of peace took over.

That evening I met a special group of individuals. They were warm and inviting. They were filled with deep questions and concerns; wanting to raise children with character and soul. I was moved by the community and felt privileged to be there.

We started back home. I felt my eyes closing. It must have been 1 a.m. when I was roused by the loud blare of a siren. Could this police car be stopping us?

“This is just what I need”, mumbled the driver. ”These state troopers are the toughest guys. This is a terrible ticket for me to get.”

“Let’s think positive,” I said, as the trooper approached the car.

I did not want to give up on my positive thinking that I had achieved that evening.

“Think positive?” the driver grumbled. “What can be positive about a state trooper giving me a ticket?”

“Don’t worry,” I said confidently. “You’ll see it will all be okay.”

He muttered something unintelligible under his breath.

When we see life through a positive lens we can withstand the daily aggravations that can easily grind us down.

The officer approached the car. He solemnly asked for license and registration and took the papers to his car. A couple of minutes later he came running back and threw the documents into the car’s open window.

“I just got called to a huge emergency. I have no time. Take this as a warning”

I didn’t want to say ‘I told you so’ but inside I knew that positive thinking is the way to go.

Of course there will be times that we do get the ticket, find ourselves stuck in heavy traffic or have things not go our way. But at least we know that when we see life through a positive lens we are giving our children the tools to recognize the blessings in life. It becomes easier to withstand the daily aggravations that can easily grind us down. Instead of constantly grumbling, they can use their positive attitude to become cognizant of the good, develop a joyful spirit and develop bonds with family and friends that they will count as their life’s treasures.

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About the Author

Slovie Jungreis-Wolff is a freelance writer, and a relationships and parenting instructor. She is the daughter of Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, founder of Hineni International. Slovie has taught Hineni Young Couples and Parenting classes for more than 15 years. Her book, Raising A Child With Soul, is published by St. Martin's Press.

Visitor Comments: 17

(15)
Marcee,
November 17, 2013 6:26 PM

Excellent subject

Negative individuals are maddening. We had to call it quits with two long term acquaintances. Is all they ever did (not together) was complain, gripe and find fault. It was driving me nuts. One cannot subject themselves to these behaviors, and I refused to ever have them as guests in our home again. Obviously, there are folks that constantly bicker, nag and find wrongs in everything. Do not put up with this nonsense. The end.

(14)
Yehudit,
November 16, 2013 8:31 PM

Balance it out

When I make bad mistakes and say negative things to my children I try to do more than feel sorry, I make an effort to make a positive comment shortly after wherever possible. I know it's not the best but I hope it helps....
Like if I've complained about a child not helping out , maybe the next request that is complied with I might say, "wow! Thanks for doing that as soon as I asked, I really appreciate it."

Anonymous,
November 28, 2013 4:28 AM

well said

good idea, i apologize too. i don't want to pass on this trait my angry father gave me! be well!

(13)
dale hurley,
November 16, 2013 2:15 PM

REALLY???

Are you for real? Please explain how a huge emergency is a great way to get yourself out of trouble. Maybe if you're really lucky a dozen people died in a wreck down the road.

chavi,
November 28, 2013 4:23 AM

Be positive-Mom in labor (in taxi) with 4th child

MAZEL TOV! MOM made it to hospital in time and mom andbabies are doing great, says grateful father. :)

(12)
John Hughes,
November 14, 2013 11:04 PM

Slovie, thank you once again for your words if wisdom . Everything is the way it's supposed to be always , if we can only realize this the power of positive thinking would automatically be there . The problem though is we are human beings who tend to forget do with that said , thank you so much for the reminder. Well said

(11)
Mimi,
November 14, 2013 8:15 PM

Incredible

I am often so negative and need a reminder. Thank you so much for this.

(10)
Anonymous,
November 14, 2013 3:33 PM

What food for thought!!!

Clearly, positive thoughts are what will carry us through our daily trials and tribulations. Not to mention the fact that people around us will appreciate our sunnier dispositions too.A great article - we need constant reminders to keep us focused on this

(9)
cerelina,
January 12, 2012 12:33 AM

I really like your article! Thanks for the reminder.

(8)
Karen,
March 13, 2011 1:38 AM

Thanks, I like this

I like your stories. Thanks for a nice reminder.

(7)
Anonymous,
January 19, 2011 9:23 AM

To Daniel (6)

My heart goes out to you, Daniel. Certainly, we take everything for granted. Just when we receive a massive blow, we learn to appreciate all the beauty of life and the smallest things become the most important.
I will be praying for you.

(6)
Daniel,
January 11, 2011 7:31 PM

don't wait until a Dr. says U have a terminal illness..

to get it together and realize that each day is precious.
Please don't be miserable and PLEASE don't spread
your discontent to others. I am 34 & and have terminal cancer. I bite my tongue when others complain about
the rain, the heat, the cold, the snow,yada, yada. i am
glad for a day when i feel ok enough to get dressed and be outside for a while. hope you never have to learn
"not to sweat the small things" by going through this......

(5)
Mem Cubed,
January 11, 2011 4:50 PM

i'm on computer all day at work, and I used to get annoyed by the 5 or 10 second delay in moving between documents and between computer programs. But a few weeks ago, i decided to treat these little delays as an opportunity to close my eyes and do a little meditation on how Blessed i am. so i now have about 10 mini-meditations a day, and they are helping me become more positive. A Lot more work to do on this challenge, but a nice start.

(4)
Sheira,
January 11, 2011 12:44 PM

Slovie, my hero!

An article after my own heart! Thank you, Slovie! I, too, am a huge believer in the power of positive thinking and I honestly believe it has to do with the ability to have perspective. With our parents being holocaust survivors, we've already heard of the worst possible experience one can go through so my entire life growing up, whenever I would encounter a hardship or a struggle, I would always think back to my father in the forest running for his life or searching for food....no parents, no home, no food.....and then I can clearly see that whatever I'm going through doesn't seem so bad. We all have to remember that, most of the time, whatever little stresses we experience could always be a lot worse. Thank you, Slovie, for reminding us of this gift - - positive thinking, which, by the way, is always a CHOICE.

(3)
Korea,
January 11, 2011 4:53 AM

WOW! This is so inspiring!

Wow! I have a very good friend who is almost always depressed and thinking negatively. I don't know how to change him, although I try to cheer him up, and this article helped remind me to keep my own spirits up. It is beautifully written; thank you so much! I hope that my friend will come across this and grow from it as well! :)

(2)
sharon,
January 9, 2011 7:09 PM

How do you respond?

great article on positive thinking, and cute story...but what to do about the relative with "farbissenerpanim"?

(1)
tobywil,
January 9, 2011 4:50 PM

great article, positively , positive thinking is the only way

after a traumatic accident many years ago, many broken bones and a concussion, I discovered that the only way to heal in body and soul is to think positively, thank you, great article! (remembered the song, Ya gotta accentuate the positive! It became my song! my road to healing. )

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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