Yes it is. BTW, I think that GoLightly said the most important thing on this thread: We are all responsible to disarm our own buttons. IMO, that is a brilliant, succinct way to say it and it is exactly why I love learning from these discussions!

Well, HALF of it is true. So it's HALF-brilliant, HALF-succint. Remember, it always, always and always take TWO to figh. Are none of us responsible for NOT pushing buttons?You may not be aware of it but button pushers are bullies, control freaks who know the vulnerable spots in people. They attack, tease, provoke and otherwise rile people up because that's what they do.

I've been a teacher since 1969 and have taught ALL grades but have been at the college level for the past 20 years. I've seen the provacateurs do their nasty, vile, evil work on the weakest, most vulnerable and GIRLS are just as prone to bully as boys, but in a MUCH different ways. Girls tease, ridicule, mock and otherwise push buttons as nastily as boys.

It seems to me that NOT pushing buttons, or NOT provoking, teasing, etc., is the OTHER half of the equation. Provoking is mean, controlling and manipulative....especially when the provoker knows FULL WELL what s/he is doing. There are NO worse button pushers than spouses because they know the full breadth of their words and actions. I also include actions like: NOT talking (the silent treatment), ignoring, sulking/brooding (worse than mere pouting), walking out and such....REMEMBER, these are done as button pushing.

Are you LOVING this lesson too? These are lessons that most of us learn in our teens. GoLightly and you seem NOT to have learned THIS other HALF of the equation.

I do agree that we are all responsible to disarm our own buttons, including those buttons that TAKE AIM at others' buttons. So, if what SHE said is the "most important thing on this thread" then you also are HALF right. Now, go for the OTHER HALF. Without doing that then the discussion only HALF said and HALF done.

80 posted on 07/10/2006 6:48:26 AM PDT by starfish923
( Socrates: It's never right to do wrong.)

I completely 100% agree with you that button pushers are bullies, and that girls are often exceptionally skilled at it. Completely agree with you that it takes two to create strife in a relationship. Provoking is a terrible thing.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that all of us are both button pushers and button possessors, although to greater and lesser degrees. When we argue and fight, we use this dynamic as a weapon. So ALL of us are responsible for both not pushing others buttons and defusing our own. And that is actually exactly the entire process of successful communication.

I think were we may disagree is to look at a situation like this were children are killed and put a heavy responsibility on the non-involved partner. In any marriage that is breaking up there is a great deal of turmoil. There is a lot of lashing out and button pushing.

However, going over the edge, killing the children and saying essentially the devil made me do it doesn't matter. In the end, we are completely responsible for our own actions no matter who pushed our buttons or bullied us or made us mad. In fact, we can not change other people, we can only change how we respond to it.

It's not that I deny that horrific button pushing happens because it does. And it's not that it isn't an explanation because it might be. What it is not is an excuse for poor (or worse, evil) behavior. My suspicion is that we agree with that and you are wanting to make sure that there is some empathy for those involved. You want us to understand that things like this don't happen in a vacuum. I do.

I would also disagree with you that I didn't learn this lesson in my teens. I think I connected with GoLightly's comment because I am not usually an intentional button pusher (Although I most certainly do it sometimes accidentally as this conversation will attest) but I do get my own buttons pushed far too easily and lash out as a result. What it was is a reminder for me to diffuse those buttons in myself and by doing so I can often do my part in diffusing the situation itself. That is why I connected with it. It was, in fact, simply an acknowledgment of my own weaknesses.

The bottom line is, as adults if we are aware of our own buttons we can better manage our lives in relationship to the button pushers because we too take responsibility for the situation. It is all too easy for those of us who don't push buttons to pass the blame to the bullies and claim victimhood, when we own part of the responsibility for the issue ourselves.

Finally Yes, I am LOVING this lesson too. I learn a great deal from thinking these things through, approaching them from different angles, see alternative perspectives.