Monday, August 20, 2012

Apocalypse Monday - Band-Aids

Another Monday is here, which means we're one week closer to the zombie apocalypse. Now, I don't have a specific date for when they're coming, but I'm sure that it will be soon... so let's continue to stockpile our survival items. This week's must-have? Band-Aids.

Please note that getting the 'Angry Birds' bandages is totally optional but recommended. They're super-cool, as a junior high student told me last week. And of course, bandages are necessary for the occasional cuts and scraps, but they are capable of multi-tasking, too. Here's a few ways that bandages will make your life better when your life is a constant blur of zombie teeth.1. If your children are anything like mine, they've most likely stolen the battery cover off your television remotes. A little bandage will hold those batteries in place until you find where those little rascals put it. Of course, there won't be any electricity to watch television, but married couples will still fight over the remote nonetheless.2. The sheer horror of zombie attacks is sure to upset even the toughest of people. If you simply can't take watching another neighbor be eaten by the bloodthirsty undead, use the bandages to tape your eyes closed. Of course, this means you won't see yourself being eaten either, but that's the choice you have made and you must live with it.3. Women will still being trying to look pretty during the end of the world. A quick session of 'bandage waxing' will take care of those unruly eyebrows and you'll be ready for your cover shoot. Except of course, that all the magazine editors have been eaten.4. During the height of the zombie attacks, people will be paranoid about mingling with people who have been bitten or scratched by the zombies. And if you aren't a 'people person', you might decide that you don't want to mingle with those self-absorbed jerks anyway... use a whole box of bandages to make yourself look like a zombie victim and the whole neighborhood will be yours. Solitude, at last.5. The sticky part of a bandage is great for de-linting your pretty sweaters. Give it a whirl when you're in a hurry to get to that next zombie-free debutante ball. At least, unless the debutante is a zombie.6. If you spring for the decorative bandages, you'll have unlimited crafting potential in a little box. Use them to wrap around pens or stick them to a picture frame for bandage art. Gallery owners across the land will call it art and you'll be a millionaire in no time.7. Since your jewelry will have been long sold by then, you can use some pretty bandages to make bracelets or a choker for yourself. The end of the world is no excuse for not looking your best.8. Let's be honest here: your husband is going to whine uncontrollably during the apocalypse. I mean, they idle at whiny most days, and when you add in the zombies, they are going to be ginormous babies, for sure. Bandage their mouths shut. For real. You'll probably need the extra-strong bandages for this, but the effort will be worth it. Come to think of it, why am I not trying this right now?Until next time survivors,