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8 “Bachelor” Contestants’ Fake Careers That Double As Post-Grad Plans

Consider pursuing a career in chicken enthusiasm!

Are you a senior struggling to figure out what to do after graduation? Look no further! Take some tips from some former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, who prove that you don’t need a “job” that “pays money” to have an exciting career. Here are 8 Bachelor careers that could inspire your post-grad plans:

1) Panstapreneur

For the Econ concentrator who didn’t get that coveted spot at Goldman & Sachs, becoming a pantsapreneur—presumably an entrepreneur who sells (makes? wears?) pants—is an ideal backup. It’s the perfect balance of sounding like a fancy career and making so little sense that people probably won’t ask you about it too much.

2) Former Pro Quarterback

Did you go to Harvard-Yale one time? Did you gain all of your knowledge of football from this annual drunken visit to a single game? Become a former pro quarterback! Use this euphemism for unemployment to yell at the players when you watch the game on TV so loudly that you won’t hear anyone ask whether you’re going to try applying to law school again.

3) Internet Entrepreneur

This job title is perfect for those of you who failed CS50. It has the word “internet” in it, which is confusing enough to your parents that they’ll think you’re working in the tech industry, but it actually just means that you're on Instagram all the time. You’d been doing that instead of your CS50 psets anyway—you’re a natural!

4) Chicken Enthusiast

Do you live for the HUDS red spiced chicken? Take that passion and turn it into a career! They say that if you’re doing what you love, you never have to work a day in your life. And as a chicken enthusiast, you will literally never be working a day in your life!

5) WHA-BOOM!

Are you so overcome by the fear of failure you can’t help but scream into the sky? You could be a WHA-BOOM! All you have to do is scream, “WHA-BOOM!” whenever anyone asks whether you’ve started studying for the GRE yet—eventually they’ll stop talking to you at all. WHA-BOOM!

6) Amateur Sex Coach

Did you totally hook up with a bunch of super hot girls? Were they “probably into you because you were in the Fly?” Maybe you should be an amateur sex coach! Spend your days making blog posts telling women how to “do sex better” and wondering why you have no clients.

7) Bachelor Superfan

Do you spend all your free time watching, thinking, and writing satirical listicles about The Bachelor? Well, you unemployed comedian you, you could be a Bachelor Superfan! Just start live-tweeting every episode with snarky comments about how “Krystal is *definitely* not here for the right reasons,” and you’ll be set!

8) VIP Cocktail Waitress

You’re definitely a stripper, but hey, you’re literally the only one here who’s making any money.