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An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

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A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public'

'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call her at home?'

'Lard ass.'

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Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The lady asked, "What's that? " "A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. " "Where did you get it? " the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore. "

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. "
The pharmacist fainted."

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Allen took his blind date to the carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.

"I want to get weighed," said Sandra.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on

the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.

Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and Allen lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"

Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, You have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, You must make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi