Friday, August 9, 2013

Jobzillas

In the very early days of the blog, I wrote about trying to get a job working for King Koopa. So far I've been unable to get a position, but what about finding work related to a different dragon-type creature? A dragon-type creature that's way, way bigger. A dragon-type creature with a much more impressive win-loss record. I'm talking about the king of dragon-type creatures; I'm talking about Godzilla! King of the Monsters!

Of course, Godzilla doesn't run any businesses that I know of, so I can't actually work for the big man, but there's got to be lots of jobs available in the zany version of reality that the Godzilla films take place in. I'll skip over the obvious ones such as post-monster-fight clean-up crew or post-monster-fight-clean-up construction crew. Those types of jobs already exist without giant monsters necessitating clean-up and rebuilding. Nature is a monster (and I can't blame her, since she's constantly being fucked with by Man! King of the Assholes!) So, aside from donning a hardhat and helping to rebuild Tokyo every few weeks, what could I do?

Another Kind of Clean-Up Crew

Remember that scene in Jurassic Park where the scientist lady goes elbows-deep into a giant pile of poop? Certainly you remember, that's the best scene! Well, think about it. There must be piles of poop at least that big all over Tokyo and its suburbs. (Tokyo has suburbs, right?) It's not just Godzilla dropping deuces all over Japan. You'd have to factor in the king-size turds of Mothra, Rodan, Ghidorah, and dozens more monsters. Mechagodzilla is the only one not stinking up the island, though I think he has organic components, so maybe he does drop robo-poops from time to time. I'm not sure.

Regardless of whether or not Mechagodzilla makes boom-boom, there's plenty to pick up after Megalon drills his way through town. And that's when the Monster Poo Crew would be called into action. It's a stinky job, but somebody has to do it. The MPC would be contracted by the city to clean up all of the monster stink-bombs. Since the government would be doing the hiring, the MPC would probably be paid a ridiculous amount of money for dung removal.

I really don't think I'd want to do the actual hands-on work that this job would entail, but I would definitely manage the business. And as a bonus, I could start a second business selling fertilizer to farmers. Lots and lots of fertilizer.

Monster Tag

When I was in elementary school we had a visitor whose job was tracking bears. He and his team would catch a bear (I'm assuming by putting honey in a box held up by a stick with a string tied to it) and put a tag on its ear. Then he would use the tags to track the wanderings of the bears for scientific bear research. Since Godzilla is cooler than bears, the scientific community and the public would want to know as much about him (and all the other freaky beasts) as possible, including finding out where they roam.

Catching the monsters would be harder to do, since I'd need a really big box, a really big stick, and a really big piece of string. Then again, maybe Jet Jaguar could help me tag the monsters. Then my team and I could figure out where the monsters are when they're not smashing all the stuff in Tokyo. Hmm... It looks like they mostly hang out on Monster Island. Look here! This monster swam all the way to California, but the smog was too much for him to handle so he came back. Oh wow! Godzilla went to New York, stayed for a while, then came back with his tail between his legs. I wonder why...

I'm not sure how profitable this line of work would be, but it would be worth it for the contribution to science. Monster science.

Stupid Helmets

One thing I've noticed about the Godzilla film series (and pretty much all of the Japanese films that fit into the Kaiju category) is that there's never a shortage of stupid helmets for people to wear. Putting together a Godzilla task force? You're going to need some stupid helmets for your team. Trying to get your unknown civilization to revolt and attack the outside world? You'll need some stupid helmets for that. And I'd be the guy to come to; I'd be the guy that supplies the stupid helmets.

Everybody needs stupid helmets in Japan. The government needs stupid helmets. Citizens need stupid helmets in case a monster attacks their office building or factory. And if the stupid helmet is obnoxious enough, it's sure to become a must-have item for some pop star, which would then lead to it becoming a must-have item for every fad-following teenie-bopper. I wouldn't be able to keep up with the demand for stupid helmets. I might even have to outsource some of the manufacturing work to a poor country, like Indonesia or America. I could retire on all the profits from my stupid helmet company.

Whether it's cleaning up giant poops, tracking all the places where monsters go to make giant poops, or manufacturing stupid helmets that uh... (insert third poop reference here), there's plenty of capitalistic opportunities available in a monster-infested world. Unfortunately, I'm stuck here in a non-monster-infested world, though with all the horrifying chemicals we're dumping onto and into the earth, I'm sure it's only a matter of time. Lucky for me, because I've got solid business plans. Monster business plans.