Just Wondering

Get the Rookie newsletter!

Leave this field empty if you're human:

August's theme is WORK IN PROGRESS. For details on how to send us your work, please read our Submit page. ✴

About Rookie

Rookie is an online magazine and book series for teenagers. Each month, a different editorial theme drives the writing, photography, and artwork that we publish. Learn more about us here, and find out how to submit your work here!

Next Article

I have a crush on a guy that one of my best friends is dating. He is a great guy with almost my exact sense of humor, and he shares my tastes in movies and music. I love my friend and I hate that this is coming between us, but I don’t feel like she always gets him, since she is more preppy and into sports. How do I get over my “Taylor Swift Situation”?

If I start by saying something that might be a little to a lot morally dubious and might promote selfishness and disregard for others, will you promise to stick with me until the end? Yes? OK, here goes: if you really, truly think that you and your best friend’s boyfriend have a DEEEEEEEEP SOUL CONNECTION and that you totally get him and he totally gets you AND you can’t live with yourself unless you make that known to him AND if you don’t do something you will always regret it for the rest of your life AND you can live with your best friend potentially feeling very hurt and betrayed by you in a way that she may or may not ever forgive you for, then go for it. Tell him how you feel and see how he responds.

I mean, it is a fundamentally shitty thing to try and steal your best friend’s boyfriend, and I know that you know that, and I know that your knowing that is part of what is tormenting you. I’m sure you feel guilty that you’ve even entertained the thought of wanting them to break up, or worse, that you deserve him more than she does. I’m not saying you have these thoughts because you are a shitty person who wants to do shitty things. Things like this happen. We pine for someone who just so happens to be dating our best friend and even if we love and respect said best friend, we still pine all the same. This is OK. Our feelings are sometimes messy and not always admirable. I’m also not saying the right thing to do is to plot to break them up and then immediately start dating him, because there is no “right” thing to do when it comes to the chaotic stuff of human emotions. All I am saying is that we’re all autonomous human beings who are allowed to make our own decisions, even if they are potentially hurtful ones, as long as we are prepared to accept the consequences.

You need to decide if it’s worth it for you to try and pursue your crush on this boy if it means hurting your friend. And you need to decide if you feel really that, out of all the potential cute boys in the world who have your sense of humor and share your taste in music and movies (and there are A LOT of them out there, trust me), the one for you can be none other than the one guy who happens to be dating your best friend. Put it another way: is it worth it to fixate on this dude who is in a relationship with your friend OR is it more worth it to be patient and/or proactive about meeting other dudes who fit the criteria of being (a) totally cool and down with your interests and (b) not your best friend’s boyfriend?

Something else to consider is that a relationship between two people is so much more than just having common interests. I mean, you basically already know this because from what I can gather from your question, if you and this dude share the same sense of humor and more of the same interests than he shares with your best friend, then that must mean that you and your best friend don’t have the exact same sense of humor or share ALL of the same interests, right? And yet, look! She is still your best friend. You still love her a lot. You don’t think of yourself as incompatible with her, do you? I assume that you care about her and love hanging out with her and find her to be a pretty cool person in general, otherwise you wouldn’t consider her your best friend. Wouldn’t it get your goat if some girl thought she deserved to be friends with your best friend more than you do because the two of them share the same taste in movies and music? Do you see where I’m going?

The point is that it’s not for you to decide who should be with whom. You can certainly decide that you want to be with your best friend’s boyfriend, but you can’t presume that you get him more than she does, because to think that is to presume you know the intimate details of their relationship, which you don’t. You aren’t privy to all the ways in which they are wrong for each other or right for each other, because the only two people who know why they are with each other are the two people who are with each other. In the end, no one is entitled to anyone else, which is why I think it’s OK if it turns out that you and this guy really are perfect for each other and you both independently decide that you want to pursue a romantic relationship at the risk of seriously hurting your best friend. BUT, you need to also acknowledge the very real possibility that just because you think you have a deeper connection with him than she does, does not mean that you actually do, nor does it entitle you to him, because, once again, no one is entitled to anyone, you know? All you know is how much you value your friendship with your best friend and how much you value your crush on her boyfriend, and from there, I truly believe that you will figure out what you’d like to do with those conflicting feelings.

And remember, you still have SO MUCH TIME to meet cute boys who like the things you like and laugh at the things you laugh at. Over the next few years, you will probably date a few of them, and I bet you will even date someone who doesn’t have the same sense of humor as you or like the same movies, but it won’t matter at all because you will still think he’s the dopest boyfriend in the world!

I know all of this might seem kind of horrifying…but I wanted to get real with you, and I hope you don’t regret sticking with me until the end. —Jenny

So I like this guy. He likes me. Good, right? Here’s the problem. He’s really passive. He doesn’t like to plan stuff. I’m cool with taking the first steps, but he’s said he doesn’t like girls who are “pushy.” So what do I do? Kiss him? Keep hanging out? Ack! Also: I’ve heard that good posture is sexy. But I’m six feet tall—taller than the average American man. A lot of guys get annoyed when I’m visibly taller than they are. Thoughts? —Mickey

Hi Mickey. Measuring in at nearly 5′11″ myself and having ample experience navigating the passive man/pushy woman dichotomy, let me first tell you that I feel you. That said, let’s get the easier one out of the way first: please do not be ashamed of your height! You know who’s tall? Models. You know who thinks models don’t get asked out by American men? No one.

There are two key things to know about being tall:

1. It’s how you are, so DO NOT try to hide it. Way too many tall teenage girls slouch or slump to try to appear shorter, which is disastrous because your bones and muscles are still developing, and if you slouch all the time, you run the danger of getting to a point where you’re incapable of standing up straight. (I know people this has happened to—seriously). Not only is this aesthetically unappealing, it’s not good for your body, and can cause problems and pain as you age. You’ll grow out of your self-consciousness; you won’t grow out of your humpbacked body.

2. I’m not going to patronize you and say “guys don’t care if you’re tall.” Some of them do—usually it’s not that they find your height unattractive, but that they’re intimidated by it. For these guys, you can use some combination of humor and honest acknowledgment (i.e., making a joke about your height) to win them over. It’s also very important to know that a lot of guys think that tall girls are HOT, and are proud to stand next to us. In any case, you need to find a guy who’s comfortable with himself. This isn’t always easy, but it’s the only way to go. In a way I’ve always felt lucky about my height, because it automatically filters out a lot of the insecure jerks.

The other part of your question is harder, but the first thing to establish is that knowing what you want and acting on it in a reasonable way = being assertive (good), not “pushy” (bad). Too often, a girl expressing a desire—“I want to kiss you” or “I’d rather not sit in your bedroom and watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the fourth night in a row” or “Can we PLEASE watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the fourth night in a row?!”—is seen as bossy or pushy. This is bs! Saying “You have to kiss me right this second or I’ll tell everyone you’re afraid” or “I won’t hang out anymore if you don’t watch The Fellowship of the Ring with me” is pushy. Being assertive means you’re establishing that your desires deserve equal footing, and that you each have the right to do what you want (and hopefully those things will overlap).

The tricky thing is that it’s hard to tell if this guy is just a little shy/nervous/unimaginative about activity planning, or if there’s something more troubling afoot. If he’s just struggling to come up with ideas, using positive reinforcement can be useful—remind him of a time he did suggest an activity and say how much fun you had, and tell him outright that you’d be totally up for trying anything he suggests.

BUT: “he doesn’t like to plan stuff” could mean that he won’t pin down plans and is waiting to see if anything else comes along and when nothing does he’s contacting you to hang out and then putting almost no effort into it. If you’re suggesting fun ideas for hanging out and his response is either blasé or involving statements like “I don’t like pushy girls,” then I’d say you’re looking at some serious red flags.

Either way, the guys that are by far the most stimulating are the ones with great imaginations, so give him a shot to find his. If he doesn’t or can’t, you might want to think about moving on to another drink of water, tall or short. —Emily C.

I have depression. I’m doing all the right things, including seeing a therapist/psychiatrist, but sometimes my depression interferes with my ability to do…anything. At all. Things I used to identify with, like writing, and things I’d do just for fun, like drawing, I’m totally unable to do anymore. If I try to push myself to do those things I get exhausted and am unhappy with the results. You guys seem able to deal with stress and depression and still consistently create strong art and writing—how do you do it? How do you prevent depression from defining your whole life? —Dess

I really really wish I could give you a hug right now, Dess, because I know how bleak things can feel when the pleasure is sucked out of stuff you used to enjoy. In fact, I think it is probably one of the worst things about depression, and there isn’t a quick fix. It’s more of a journey.

First of all, hopefully you are on the road to recovery or at least to feeling better. Therapists/psychiatrists can be a very good idea, and this feeling you’re having is something you MUST bring up with them, because they should be able to get to the root causes.

Now, even while you’re being treated and getting better, as you know, you can from time to time sink back into this hole. I still have days where I can’t do anything. I think you just have to accept that. Forcing yourself to do the things you feel like you should be doing can make things worse.

Most important, you have to realize that this feeling will pass eventually. Before I really understood this, this hopeless no-pleasure feeling would suck me deeper into that paralysis where I’m unable to do the things I want to do because I think I can’t do them. But you CAN do them. I’d recommend trying something you’ve never done before to start with, because you don’t already have “I should do this, it’s what I enjoy or what defines me” associations with it. The last time I felt the way you’re feeling now, I started writing really bad poetry. But I only think of it as bad when I go back now and read it; at the time I would just write it and move on—turn the page to the next clean one. It felt good, and I didn’t feel any pressure to do it, or to do it well, or the “right” way.

Also, I don’t think anyone CONSISTENTLY creates strong art and writing. If anyone did, they would be a superhero. It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself and that needs to STOP. Right now. Stop it. Find something that moves you, listen to music that is completely different from what you’re used to, take a walk somewhere new and really look around. Eventually something will wake you up again. I promise. Try to be patient—I know it’s hard. The hardest thing for me was not reading as much as I like to, but now it’s like I am discovering the joys of reading all over again, so it’s not such a bad thing to take a break from the things you used to do and go back to them when you feel ready.

It sounds crazy, but you can learn a lot from depression. When you’re feeling better (and you will), you might even look back and realize you are a stronger person because of it. And then you can write amazing things about your experiences. —Naomi

Tavi, as a blogger, editor-in-chief of this fine magazine, high school student, social being, and pursuer of many other hobbies—how do you manage your time? I struggle to manage going to school, working, doing schoolwork, and pursuing creative stuff such as writing and making collages. You even find time to reply to comments on Rookie, although I am sure you are just sitting upon your leather throne, eating pomegranates and shouting replies to your minions who type for you and fetch you exotic fruit. Much like Ellen DeGeneres does. All my lovin’, Ally.

Hi, Ally! Hold on, let me adjust my sitting position, carefully so my leather seat doesn’t make it sound like I’m farting. AH, THERE WE ARE. Now, to your question. Since you’ve asked about my own experience—my day has five parts: sleep, school, Rookie and related commitments, homework, and either hanging out with friends or doing something on my own, which can mean either being super creative and productive, or watching TV, which I consider important because sometimes you need to shut your brain off. It was by no means easy to finally find the right balance, mostly because to keep everything in its time slot, I had to cut out all the little things that would make some parts of my day take longer than they need to, keeping me from having time for all of them. Things like procrastinating, listening to music while studying which made it go slower, trying to videochat with a friend while working on Rookie, etc. It’s hard to stop procrastinating, but once the stress gets to a certain level, you realize the value in just GETTING SHIT DONE. Then you can never go on Tumblr again without thinking about how nice it would be to just finish your paper and then have time to watch a movie later, and then you just shrug and get back to discussing Aristotle or whatever.

Another ~tip~ is to focus on one thing at a time. I don’t know if you do this, but for a while I had a habit of getting distracted from homework to start making another page of my notebook into a comic or letter or something. I would justify this by telling myself that my doodles were different and important and LIFE homework. Which is a little true, but I still have to be in high school for 2 1/4 more years, and it’s easier to just do the work and be done with it and then be able to put time into one thing I’m really proud of later instead of tons of little doodles.

That being said, look for holes in your own different time slots that you could use to work on other things. It’s way different from getting distracted and procrastinating, because sometimes a time slot might involve waiting. Like, I don’t know what you do for work, but you can bring a book to read if you often find yourself waiting around, and then there’s some “me time” that you’ve gotten in. The important thing to remember to keep THIS from ALSO getting stressful is that you don’t have to be DOING SOMETHING ALL THE TIME. Like, I use my study hall to work on homework, but I during my lunch period I just want to relax and enjoy my Gushers with my friends. I guess I could use it to finish all of my homework for the day, but by sixth period my brain is too mushy and needs a break.

Oh, that’s another thing: figure out when you work best. I, for example, cannot do homework immediately after school. I need to recharge and get started later at night. So my Rookie time or hanging-out/me-time usually comes right after school. It would be wasting time to try and do geometry when my brain is in no state to get it all done as quickly as I could at another time.

I’m going to tell you what my school counselor, a wonderful lady who understands the thinking behind both my academic and creative pursuits, told me: something’s gotta give. It would be impossible to both do everything you want to do and do it well. So, you have to prioritize a bit, and maybe the priorities shift from time to time so that one section of your life doesn’t collapse.

For example, I have at times decided that I just can’t do exceptionally well in a certain school subject for a while because it’s become really important that I have time to write in my diary every night while something in real life is going on. Or, I can oversee Rookie in the way I normally do but not be as involved in the comments section as I’d like to be because I have lots of tests and projects due one week. Or, not be social or work on any personal creative projects for a couple weeks so I can go to bed early instead and get as much sleep as possible, because I realize I’ve been tired all the time lately.

Overarching to-do lists and planners are daunting to me and just looking at them stresses me out. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been like, TODAY IS THE DAY I START GETTING SHIT DONE, FOR I JUST BOUGHT A BEAUTIFUL CALENDAR FROM BORDERS. That’s too intimidating for me. Instead, I make mini to-do lists when I sit down to work on a different time slot, for the satisfaction of crossing things off and so I don’t get off task on doodling or Facebook or whatever. Different things work for different people, but I recommend trying either the full-on planner or the little to-do lists, and seeing what helps you.

So…I hope this helps? (1) Get rid of tiny slower-downers and procrastinating. (2) Focus on one thing at a time. (3) Look for empty chunks of time when you can slot something in, even if that thing is “sit down somewhere and breathe.” (4) Know when your brain and energy are able to work on each task in your day. (5) Understand that you may need to compromise and reprioritize. (6) Write it all down if it helps.

The answer about being tall: my life. I’ve never been really ashamed but for a long time it kept me from wearing heels, and I still have bad posture (I think I slouch unconsciously though, because I like to be at eye-level with people when I talk to them).

I have the exact same problems. Also I have had a few guys in the past feel a little irritated about being shorter then I am but I think it comes down to their insecurities which I refuse to feel bad about.

okay, this is completely unrelated, but the pictures for all the Just Wondering posts crack me up. something about the combination of the concerned guy in the question mark suit and the color-coordinating speech bubbles with comic sans is just perfect. when I got a 404 page here once and question mark guy was on it, I died. haha

also, Tavi’s time management answer is great. I think, in senior year, I have finally maybe almost figured most of this stuff out, but it’s good to have a reminder.

Ally, thank you for asking this question, and Tavi, your answer is so encouraging.
I used to be much better at time management, but the further I go into my studies (I’m in my 3rd uni year), the worse I get. And by worse, I mean writing 8 pages papers the day they’re due. True story, unfortunately. I find reading other people’s routines/ways to organise their time really interesting, but also really encouraging in the way it makes me feel “I’m not alone dealing with this!!!”.
Back to my essays, now. For real this time.

Oh my gosh Tavi this advice is awesome! Every day for me is “TODAY IS THE DAY I START GETTING SHIT DONE, FOR I JUST BOUGHT A BEAUTIFUL CALENDAR FROM BORDERS” haha. I’m going to try some of your suggestions to see if I can finally actually be more efficient… Let’s hope. :)

Thank you, Naomi! I really wish your response was written when I dealt with depression because somehow during that time, I never thought of trying something new. I was always stuck in trying to make sense of why writing short scripts wasn’t working out for me like it used to and I could never seem to get any of my ideas straight. I’ve recently started feeling a little better, and I really hope I don’t have to deal with something like this again but if it ever comes back, I’ll definitely remember what you’ve said.

Naomi- Thank you so much for your answer. (And whoever asked the question, thank you too!!) It completely resounded with me and your advice was so much better than any of the advice any psychiatrist/ psychologist has been able to offer me. I have been thinking about writing a piece and sending it to Rookie about dealing with Depression and OCD while simultaneously appearing to be a “cool”, “normal” high school student but I’ve found that its really difficult to capture the reality of depression in writing, especially since it’s so much about not feeling anything.

I want to thank Rookie from the bottom of my heart for writing this. I have depression, which really takes a toll on my work ethic and grades.
My mom always tells me to do my homework right after school and go on Borders calendars splurges, but it’s always failed miserably after a week or two. Advice columns always gave run-of-the-mill advice. “Do all your homework right after school.” “Buy an organizer.” “Think positive!” As a result, I’ve always felt kind of alienated. Like, why isn’t this working? Am I stupid or something? Nothing really felt relevant and I went through tons of “NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME” phases. As corny as this sounds, this was so relevant to me, that I cried the first time I read it. Just… Thank you.

I don’t know if I’m just easily impressed or if Tavi, you are complexly wise beyond your years, but I just want to say I’m really enthralled by your way of viewing/thinking of life + lessons. I find it comforting, because now I don’t feel so much like I’m insane cause I think too much or something. You are an original. xoxo

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. About six months ago, a mutual friend of ours told my boyfriend that she was in love with him and asked him to dump me and be with her. He said no. And when I found out I was very upset she’d do that to me, he was very upset that I was upset, and she was heart broken. And we all lost those friendships. I would never ever advise doing that :S. If he likes you, he’ll break up with his partner and ask you out. If he’s with her, respect it. I totally agree with the rest of the advice though – there are tonnes of single gorgeous guys out there who’d love to date you :).

Dess, when I was in that “grey” space, the most useful thing I did was WATCHING A LOT OF MOVIES. Stupid movies, smart movies, funny movies, sad movies. It might have seemed useless to other people, like I was losing my time, but I swear it did a lot of good to me in the moment and even if it could have seemed a bit alienating to think about the characters and places and identifying, imagining I was them, imitating them, etc. it did a lot of good to me! (that was during 2008-2011, maybe even starting with 2007)
Otherwise, I tried to program/whatever again, but it just stressed me out. Only recently have I been able to do what I liked before!
Try the hobbies that seem the most unfit for you, the ones that have always been made seem as “not something you’d do” for some reasons, because these are coded as for someone older/younger/of another gender/having a different personality: maybe you’ll like it!
Also: if you try doing new things and need/want to have some sort of “community”, such as an online forum or knitting clubs, you can leave the communities as soon as feel that it’s not a safe space for you and populated by a bunch of *-ist assholes; it does not mean you aren’t really interested in that hobby or anything, just that they are a bunch of assholes. Find another community. If these persons are violent in their language or something and it makes you uncomfortable, don’t try to be like them just to talk about computing or anything: just leave and find somewhere else. These kind of persons just make it harder to feel better.

Great answer on the time management situation, Tavi. I’ve been really struggling with that myself the past few years and finally came to basically the same conclusions that you did, so it’s just nice to have them reinforced. I know I’m on the right track. And mmmm pomegranates….

i once had a really passive boyfriend. well, i dont have a problem with that. BUT he was never showing if it was ok what i did, or he never showed any feeling. so i always had this “WAAAHHHH!!! AM I RIGHT? WHAT SHOULD I DO? DOES HE EVEN LIKE ME? WAAAHHHH!” feeling, and it was really hard for me. difficult, difficult. we broke up.

This was awesome.The one I can most relate too was Ally’s question. I have so much to do during the day, I don’t have time for my zine or doing my crafty projects. And when I do have an opening, I go watch Buffy slay vampires or Kirk try to find is evil double. I procrastinate and my zine is way overdue. But thanks,Tavi. That really helped. something’s gotta give. so true.

Erm, I know that there’s that handy dandy page on the site that says the emails to send questions for ask a grown person, but I don’t see one for Just Wondering… does that have a specific email?
Thanks

I also juggle a bunch of things. It’s hard on some days because I have fencing at night, so I don’t have all the time after school to split up. I am mostly surprised, though, that your high school counselor is…helpful! What a novelty! Middle school counselor was way too smiley and like a therapist, and high school counselor looks like a high schooler and just makes schedule changes.

This might make be sound a bit thick (he’ll probably turn out to be from some TV programme I missed out on), but seriously, every time I see this feature’s picture, I laugh at the guy and then wonder who he is!

Tavi you are literally wonder woman. I cannot believe how many different things you do – your blog, the whole of rookie mag, school etc. etc. Your answer about time management was great and came in at a really good time for me too (im a serial procrastinator…but REALLY bad). Anyway i love rookie mag and keep it up!
xoxooxxoxo
caitlin
socksanddocs.blogspot.com

i’m a 21 year old dude that goes to university and is soon going to be teaching high school. I can’t believe how much I learn from your site! And I don’t mean, like, learning about teens but I mean learning about real stuff that applies to my own life. You guys are the best, and I am forever in awe.

I don’t think it’s weird. First of all, you’re not old enough for it to really be creepy, and I’m older than you. Granted, I’m not a man, but still. I’d like to think of it as simply being in touch with my teen self.

The answer on the time management question was very helpful–I have been thinking about when school ramps up next year, and I was figuring that I wouldnt be able to sleep or have a social life if I wanted to do well in school and do sports and stuff. BUT I CAN SLEEP! AND HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE!

And–Tall girls unite! My mom is 5’10”, my dad is 6’3″, and I am 5’6″ and still growing. W00t for tallness!

Wow, that answer about time management was so so completely helpful. I love the advice sections on this site, they are so real and honest (for example- for a question about being tall, a typical teen mag would be like “Don’t wear high heels! Wear ballet flats! Flared jeans can bring your height down a bit!”) I really like the real advice for real teenage girls. Thank you so so much for all that you do Rookies!

I used to have this obsession with knowing about things…. it got to the point where I wanted to know about every book, film, television show, artist, musician, philosopher, historian, movement, subculture, etc. with such profundity that I started severely undervaluing my OWN writing, art, short films, photographs, and ideas. I did actually spiral into a severe fit of depression, just because the world seemed so large and my work so insignificant. Even reading Rookie, I see that there is an abundance of other 13-18 year old girls who want to live art, who want to change those little moments into something beautiful and worthwhile and want to know about the world. I’m trying not to view them as competition, and i’m trying not to chastise myself for being curious and, sometimes, naive. I still crumple up diary entries, and I DEFINITELY have a serious time management issue (even as I’m writing this, there is a test I should be studying for and an idea brewing that I’m already deeming worthless that I nonetheless want to mentally illustrate in more detail). So Dess, PLEASE DESS, don’t pressure yourself to be brilliant, and Ally, don’t pressure yourself to spend every waking hour doing something brilliant.

Tavi, I do admit to idolizing you out of proportion (and the rest of the Rookie staff and bloggers associated with you), and I’m glad you write things that make you seem more human. Not FEMINIST ARTIST FAMOUS INTELLIGENT WITTY UBERMENSCH, but Tavi, genuinely talented, interesting, teenage girl. Equals. Thank you.

Good advice about the time management. Also: download Self-Control the app. You can set times for the restriction of certain websites (Facebook, Netflix, etc.) to help you not procrastinate. Helpful shit right there.