Greater New Orleans

TWENTY-ONE THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A HURTING FRIEND

You will not believe what some people say to a bereaved parent or the family member of someone tragically injured.

Recently, while talking to Holly and her mother, I began to pick up
on some truly bizarre things people said to them after Holly's
young-adult brother Seth's tragic automobile accident that left him
severely disabled, completely helpless, and almost totally without the
ability to communicate. Holly describes his condition as "a low level of
consciousness due to a profound brain injury."

Frankly, I was overwhelmed by some of the things people have said to
this family. I had no idea people could be so thoughtless, so clueless,
so heartless--all in the name of the Lord and ostensibly, with the best
of intentions.

After our visit, I asked if Holly and Mary--the sister and mother of
Seth--could write down some of the things people have said to them over
the several years Seth has been in this sad condition. (Our discussion
centered around the strange comments--that's where our greatest teaching
for this blog focuses--but at the end of this article, Holly shares
some of the helpful words that were spoken.)

My single contribution to the discussion was something our family
pastor back in Alabama told me. When his teenage son was killed in a
motorcycle accident, the family and community were stunned and
heartbroken. Everyone was genuinely concerned. Most people said kind and
supportive things. However, a few comments shocked even the pastor.

One lady told the bereaved pastor, "I know exactly how you feel. When
my son went off to college, I thought my heart would break." The pastor
smiled and thanked her, but the thought that filled his mind was,
"Well, did your son come back from college? Because my son is never
coming back!"

Holly wanted me to emphasize that all the Christian folks who have
said these things to us have good intentions. Everyone genuinely thinks
they're offering something helpful. Holly is probably more
charitable than I am. Not everyone who deigns to speak for God has the
best interests of others at heart.

Here they are, in the order in which she sent them along....

1. "If you just had enough faith, your son would be healed."

The variations on this theme were endless. One wonders where people
came up with the notion that God will heal everyone who has faith
enough. Do they think the hospitals are populated only by the sinful and
faithless?

2. "God wants to heal your brother. It's your parents' fault that
he does not sit up in that bed, completely restored, because they will
not get rid of their doubts and have faith!"

Holly said, "The poor guy. Apparently, God really wants to heal Seth,
but His hands are tied because the victim's parents don't have enough
faith!"

If the Lord healed everyone of everything, no one would ever die. The
story of Job in the Old Testament clearly speaks to this idea that
suffering results from sin. Now all we have to do is get the Lord's
people to read the Bible.

3. "You need to have faith, not that your son can be healed, but
to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is already healed, and he
will be."

Holly says, "Now that one just does not begin to make sense!" I
respond, "You haven't been listening to the right faith healers on
television, my sister."

The "name it and claim it" philosophy holds that when you believe it
strongly enough, that will make it a reality. The best answer to this
shallow heresy is: "Preach it in Haiti. I'd like to see those people
prosper. Then I promise you I'll believe."

4. "What do you think God is trying to teach you through this?"

This is the fix-it mentality. People see a tragedy and want to make
it right. Never mind that they are not capable and are giving counsel
far out of their field of expertise, assuming they have one.

5. "Remember, pastor--" (Oh! Did I tell you that Holly and Seth's father is a pastor?) "It says in Romans that 'God works all things together for good.'"

The family wishes they had a nickel for each time they've heard that.
Holly comments that it falls under the category of "trite but true."

6. "You know, you're really lucky. I've heard that being an
empty-nester is really hard. Now, you'll never have to go through that!"

The reason he will never leave home is that Seth will remain
completely dependent on his parents' care the rest of his life. His
life-expectancy (I asked about this) is around 15 years, half of which
he has already lived in this condition.

7. "You know, you're really lucky. I was watching a TV show last
night that said those who use their brains every day are less likely to
become senile in old age. So taking care of your son is keeping you
young and sharp."

I know, I know. You're doubting that anyone actually said something this stupid. They did.

8. "Here's why I think God did this."

The family member on the receiving end of this bit of wisdom thinks
to him/herself, "Really? You presume to know the mind of God?"

Two explanations as to "why God did this" stand out in Holly's mind:

a) "Your son is a sacrificial lamb, showing the rest of us how to live."

This person's God seems to be the epitome of cruelty.

b) "He was not wearing a seatbelt at the time of the accident. So,
God must have looked into the future and seen that he would raise a
family and teach them not to wear their seatbelts and one day they would
all have been killed in an accident. So, God did this to spare his
future family."

That one leaves me speechless.

9. "You must feel glad that where your son is now"--in a semi-vegetative state-- "he can no longer sin!"

You know, the ability to sin is not the worst thing in the world. The
inability to sin (or anything else!) at all is far, far worse.

10. (In response to Mary's saying she was exhausted from the
24/7 routine of caring for Seth, including rising in the middle of the
night, every night, someone said:) "Well, you know, it's not such a big deal. Lots of people who have newborn babies at home have to do the same thing."

There are times when we do well just to keep our mouths shut and say
nothing. Clearly, this was one of those times for a friend of the Esvelt
family. Sadly, he/she chose not to take that precious opportunity.

11. "I would like to pay to have (a certain faith healer) come and
pray over your son. I'm confident that would heal him. In the meantime,
here is a stack of that preacher's materials to look over."

At what point does a parent violate their own beliefs and convictions
in order to be willing to do anything that would bless their needy
child? When I was dealing with my own bout with cancer (2004/2005), and
people would say they were praying for me, "Even though we're not of the
same religion." I would half-seriously reply that "I'm accepting all
prayers." That's one thing. But welcoming into your home a so-called
"faith healer" is another altogether.

12. "If your son would just stop raging in his heart against God, then God would be free to heal him."

Holly replies (at least in her heart), "Now, how do you know what a guy in a coma is thinking?"

This one makes me angry. I think at this point I would have shown the
visitor the door and ordered them off my property. Enough is enough.
And, as Jerry Lewis used to say, "And too much is plenty!"

13. "I know your brother is going to wake up! People wake up from comas all the time. I saw it on television last week!"

Holly wishes she had a nickel for every time someone has thrown that
one their way. She thinks, "Wouldn't it be nice if real life always
resolved itself at the end of a 30-minute time slot, just like on
television."

14. "We want to be your family . We want to be there for you, every week. Twice a week if you need it."

The people who said that never returned or even inquired as to how Seth and the family were doing.

15. "You know, it's been 7 years. You really need to get over this and move on."

That's pretty hard to do when your loved one is lying in the next room, requiring 24/7 personal care.

16. "I want to come visit your son, but I just can't. You see, I
don't do well in hospitals." Or, this variation: "I just can't handle
seeing him like this. I want to remember him the way he was."

What goes through your mind on hearing this is: "Maybe you need to
get over yourself, friend. Think of what it must be like to be in his
condition. Think how much it might mean to him to hear the voice of a
friend."

17. "I know how you feel." "I know what you're going through."

Answer: No, you don't. The only person who knows is one who has been there themselves.

18. "We're on our way home from a workshop on faith healing, and we'd like to stop by and pray over your brother!"

This couple left with a rather disappointed air when the new techniques they had learned failed to work.

19. "The other night we stopped by the hospital after everyone was
gone. I prayed healing over your brother, called him forth, and said,
'Young man, arise!'"

They seemed to feel a certain satisfaction over having done this. One wonders why, since Seth continued to lie there.

20. "I want to come and pray for your son." "I want to come and minister to you."

They stayed an additional three hours during which time they talked
about themselves, their kids' activities, politics, and last Friday
night's football game.

Holly observes, "People like this genuinely believe they mean it when
they say they want to come pray for you and/or minister to you. But
what they really mean is they want to sit and have someone listen to
them talk all afternoon."

Such people leave thinking--as a family member actually heard a woman
say in church one day--"Wow, I really ministered to them today! It must
have been such a bright spot in their sad situation, to hear my
cheerful, fascinating conversation."

On another occasion, a woman who was known for staying all day became
insulted and then rude when the family declined her offer to visit the
hospital in a time of crisis.

Holly notes, "Here is a hint for anyone who is considering visiting a
sick friend or one in a crisis: Unless you are specifically asked
otherwise, limit your visit to a half hour at the most. They have enough
to deal with without having to pretend all afternoon to be interested
in what your kids are doing."

Holly says a half-hour. I'd say more like 10 or 15 minutes max. I'm
recalling walking into a hospital room where a man from the church sat
visiting the patient, also a member of our church. When he got up to
leave, I said, "Hey, don't let me rush you off." He protested that I
wasn't, that it was time to leave. After the door closed behind him, the
patient said, "Preacher, I'm so glad you came. He's been here a solid
hour." On another occasion, a patient told me, "Pastor, don't tell the
church I'm in here. They'll visit me to death. I'd like some quiet."

21. "I am sending you a hankie that has been prayed over by a
(certain South American faith healer), who has been known to raise the
dead!"

Another said, "I saw your story on the web site and I am sending you a
special 1-inch square of fabric to put under his pillow, which will
heal him. I'll get back in touch with you in a couple of weeks to hear
about all the improvements."

The gullibility of some people knows no bounds.

NOW, HAVING SAID ALL THAT, HOLLY NOTES THAT MANY PEOPLE WERE
WONDERFUL AND SAID THINGS THAT GENUINELY DID BLESS AND ENCOURAGE THEM.

"I'm so sorry." When in doubt, that's the best thing to say.

"Can I pray with you?" Prayer is always welcome.

"Here are some meals to put in your freezer and use when you need them."

Holly suggests, "Rather than asking 'Let me know if there is anything
I can do to help'--which will likely be turned down, as no one ever
wants to trouble another person--why not say: 'I am going to _______ for
you.' Perhaps it's to bring a meal, give you a gas card for all those
trips to the hospital, or harvest your garden." She adds, "I've been
guilty of it myself. It's a way to sound like you care withoiut really
having to do anything, because you know they probably won't take you up
on it."

I suspect we're all guilty of this "If there is anything I can do"
routine. Holly's parents--and so many in their situation--will almost
never call someone and say, "Okay, you said to call you if you could do
anything, so we need you."

One young man who knew that Pastor Esvelt's church service ended later and was farther away than his, took it upon himself every Sunday
to drive to the care center and sit with Seth until the family arrived.
He held Seth's hand, prayed aloud for him, and talked with him. Holly
says, "We will never forget that kindness."

"I would like to offer to stay with your son for an afternoon so you can get out for a few hours."

Holly notes that Seth's longtime best friend comes by every time he's
in town. He helps with projects around the house. Another friend, a
firefighter, regularly stops to chat with Seth and exchange theological
ideas with Pastor Esvelt. "Both are others-centered," Holly notes, "and
are true ministers to us."

She adds, "It was amazing how God prompted so many of His people to
meet specific needs at just the right time, over and over again."

A final observation or two.

Let me say again that I had to ask Holly and her mother Mary to write
these down for me so I could share them on this blog. They are not
negative people who go around keeping account of wrongs. Quite the
opposite, in fact. When you meet this family for the first time, you are
blown away by the victory in Christ that radiates from them. You like
them and want to know them better. They are incredible witnesses for the
Lord and wonderful examples of what His Spirit can do in the hearts and
lives of believers enduring difficult times.

So, why did I ask for this list? Because you and I are like their
friends. We are the ones going into hospital rooms, nursing homes, rehab
centers, and funeral homes. We greet families whose hearts are breaking
and whose lives are reeling from the blow they have just taken. And we
hope to have a word of comfort for them.

A word of comfort. That's our goal. To say something or do something
that will lift their spirits and bless their hearts and ease their pain.

Sometimes we learn more from seeing the wrong way someone did a thing
than by all the instruction in the world on how to do it right. That's
the reason for this article today.

We welcome your comments at the end. And since we seem to be making a
collection of "how not to comfort," if someone used a memorable line on
you during a trying time, tell us what it was.

We'll try not to say it to someone else.

Let's conclude with the single best thing to say in almost all
situations--a house fire, a job loss, the death of a friend, whatever.
No one has ever improved on this line:

"I'm so sorry."

Administered with a hug.

Repeat that line if you wish. You can even add, "My heart is so sad
for you." But then stop. You said enough. Quit talking, even though the
urge is welling up inside you. Squelch it. You have gotten it perfect.

Now be quiet.

Dr. Joe McKeever is a preacher and cartoonist. He holds a master of theology and doctor of ministry degrees from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary (1967 and 1973). During his long career, Dr. McKeever served as Director of Missions for the Baptist Association of Greater New Orleans and was senior pastor at churches in Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana. Recently retired, he still accepts speaking invitations and plans to write one book a year for the next ten years.