How to wear a knife strapped to your thigh with a garter like a fucking lady while managing not to slice yourself open because you were fool enough to carry an unsheathed weapon next to a squishy part of your body that moves when you walk.

Get a garter from somewhere; this one is a sock garter from Sock Dreams, which means it’s made to stay the fuck up there.

Get a fucking sheath for those sharp, pointy things and put them in the sheath. There’ll be a velcro loop at the top so that they won’t slide out if you hold the sheath upside down.

Put the garter through the loop at the top meant for whatever you’re using to attach it to yourself. Attach it to yourself, adjusting for ease of grabbing. You don’t want to put it on your inner thigh because that is awkward as hell to get out. The only way you’d be able to get it out in a timely manner is if you attached the sheath upside down, at which point you’d need two garters to keep the sheath from tilting inward toward your other thigh.

Oh no, now the sheath is hanging loosely and is going to make a weird pattern against your clothing. Tuck that shit into your stockings if you’re wearing them, or use another garter if you’re not.

Pull your pencil skirt back down over the knife sheath. Adjust accordingly due to tightness of skirt and shape of sheath. Make sure you can get at it as quick as you want.

People look at you really strangely if this is the knife you pull out when you want to cut your apple up.

It’s almost summer and I know a lot of girls are once again back to thinking about how MISERABLE they’re going to be. They are thinking “I wish I could wear shorts/tanktops/dresses/swimsuits”. And so I want to talk about how I got to where I am now.

I was thinking about directing this at fat girls, but I very quickly remember that no, even girls that I don’t consider to be even slightly fat have problems with their bodies and with wearing clothes they think aren’t for them, so I want to direct this to girls and really anyone who has issues with working up the nerve to wear what they want to and feel confident about it. I tend to wear feminine clothes, so my tips are more relevant to femme fashion, but certain concepts are pretty universal.

First off let me tell you this- I didn’t wake up one day and go from wearing mens t-shirts two sizes too big, oversized hoodies, and tripp pants to bearing pretty much every square inch of skin I possess. I just didn’t! It is a process, and it can be a DAUNTING process. The first time I went out to buy jeans, real jeans, since I was a teenager I had a breakdown in the fitting room. Nothing looked good on me. No one carried clothes that fit me. I was so so so unhappy. And it was difficult. And that was just jeans! So I know how you feel. And I know how much it sucks. But you can get to where you want to be- I swear- and it has very little to do with getting the body you think will magically make you feel more comfortable.

The first step is to start looking at clothes you like and want on people who look sort of like you. Just look! Admire those clothes. Think they’re cute. Realize you think they’re cute even on someone who looks like you! Realize that those girls may seem more glamorous than you, but that they’re girls who were once exactly where you are. They have, under their makeup and cute dresses, soft spots on their bodies. Blemishes. Hair that fights them every step of the way. They’re just like you. And they’re glorious. And they’re so fucking cute. Start to think about what you think you’d like to wear. This may seem like an easy thing, but its not. Because you’ve probably gone a long time thinking about what you CAN’T wear. You probably haven’t thought about what you really WANT to wear.

Once you feel comfortable with that, start looking for clothes you want. This is hard. It will be hard to find clothes that fit you- different stores have different cuts. I personally can’t wear anything from target. Remember that it’s not you, it’s the clothes.

You are probably not going to feel comfortable wearing short shorts right away. You’re probably not going to feel comfortable wearing dresses that are short or form fitting, or showing your arms. That’s ok. Find something you like, a dress or shorts or whatever. Wear it with leggings first, and a long sleeve cardigan. You can do this for a while. Eventually you can move on to tights instead of leggings. You will become ok with it. Sometimes you might feel a little uncomfortable, but you will probably find that it will pass.

Start admiring your new clothes in the mirror. You don’t have to admire yourself right away. You can think “yes this dress is so cute”. Just try not to think “too bad I’m wearing it”. Just focus on the outfit. It will help. Because you will start to look in the mirror and you will like what you see. You will one day realize that hey, you know what? The only difference between tights and bare legs is color. You’re practically already bare legged. So why not go all the way? You will wear a knee-length dress or long shorts without tights or leggings. You may notice your bruises and your blemishes, but you will think “these shorts are pretty cute”.

One day you will realize that you notice them, but they don’t bother you as much. Or at all. You will wear the outfit without a cardigan, short or long. Your arms are the same size whether they’re are covered in knit or not. They will feel nice in the sun, with the breeze.

And one day you will buy something which a year ago you would have sighed over but thought “not for me”. And you will wear it, and you will look in the mirror, and you will think “god I’m cute today”.

You might take a picture. You might put it online. Another girl who has started looking at pictures of girls who look like her will think “She’s so cute. I would love to wear that”.

"What about "No" don’t you get?So go and tell your friendsI’m not really interestedIt’s about time that you’re leavin’I’m gonna count to three andOpen my eyes andYou’ll be goneGet your hands off my hips or I’ll punch you in the lipsStop your staring at my… Hey!Take a hint, take a hint”

So stoked about the Hobby Lobby ruling today. Officially going to incorporate myself so I can get a religious exemption for my student loans debt they violate my deeply held religious conviction that all debts are supposed to be forgiven every seven years, as per the book of Deuteronomy.

I am supposed to go hang out with friends in a few hours and I really really ought to - I haven’t had the chance to hang out with them in months except for last night and tonight, and one’s flying back to california on sunday, but the thought of going anywhere kind of makes me want to cry?

actually the thought of doing anything kind of makes me want to cry.

it’s been a very exhausting day and I’m not sure I could even explain why.