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This week, a group of scientists at MIT published a ground-breaking study in which they use Twitter to predict what people are tweeting. In the past, researchers have successfully used Twitter to predict stock market fluctuations, box-office sales, riots, and even typhoons, but this is the first time anyone has pursued a project on this scale. They achieved an impressive prediction accuracy of approximately 74%. According to Professor Johnson Billing, head author of the study, this work has numerous promising applications. “If somebody had access to Twitter data but did not feel like looking at Twitter, they could run this algorithm to obtain a rough idea of the latest tweets,” said Billing. Professor Billing and his students have received a 4 billion dollar grant from the U.S. government to continue improving their algorithm, with the lofty goal of achieving 82% accuracy by 2015.

Much to the disappointment of tens of visitors, Eliot, the famous dromedary at the San Francisco zoo, refused to step out into the sunlight this afternoon, apparently as a result of a dry hump. “We just couldn’t give him what he wanted,” said zookeeper Sandy Perkiss, “we satisfied him two […]

STERN DINING—In response to the recent downward trend in student diners at Stern Dining, General Manager Ron Bryan has implemented a “Frequent Diners” incentive program to increase student interest in the iconic East Campus facility. “We are fighting for our way of life. Ever since the behemoth Arrillaga facility opened […]

In order to compete with newer, hipper religions like Mormonism, the Catholic Church began offering 50 free gigabytes of space in heaven. The deal will allow all users who sign up for the religion on their new iPad app to get free space. Tech blogger Michael Arrington praised the deal, […]

STOREY HOUSE, ROW—Stanford junior and girlfriend Lisa Alberts has started to implement a loyalty points system for her boyfriend Eric Bellman. Bellman, who has been extremely flakey over the last two and a half months of the relationship, said he has had a hard time keeping up with the loyalty […]