Column: La Grange man hired as Kanye West’s assistant

A chance meeting with an international superstar at an airport has changed a La Grange man’s life forever.

“My sister Nicole got us tickets for ‘The Price Is Right’,” said Kelvin Morgan, 41. “She won an all-expenses paid vacation to Detroit on the show.”

After the taping of the show, Morgan and his sister headed to LAX airport. While in line for a security check, Morgan noticed a couple with a newborn traveling with a huge entourage.

“Even though we were in Los Angeles, I didn’t expect to meet any famous people,” Morgan said. “I once met the woman who played Ms. Garrett on the ‘Facts of Life’ at a tractor pull, but that didn’t prepare me for what happened at the airport.”

As it turns out, the couple with the newborn and the entourage was Kanye West and Kim Khardashian.

“I couldn’t believe it!” Morgan said. “At first, I thought it was just someone who looked like Kanye, but when I noticed the baby was acting more mature than the father, I knew it was him.”

According to Morgan, security personnel at the airport believed Khardashian may have been trying to smuggle something onto the airplane.

“They kept waving that X-ray wand over Kim Khardashian’s buttocks area,” Morgan said. “They went through four wands before they found one that wouldn’t start overheating midway through scanning the entire area.”

Morgan says an exasperated Kanye threw his sunglasses, iPod and Strawberry Shortcake coloring book up against a wall in protest.

“Kanye went off,” Morgan said. “He fired his entire entourage on the spot — including the woman in charge of alerting the press to his whereabouts and the guy in charge of writing Kanye’s tweets about how much he hates the press.”

After the dust settled, Kanye took a seat next to Morgan in the waiting area.

“He sat down and started talking to me as if he’d known me for years,” Morgan said. “He said he felt guilty for becoming rich selling albums even though he can’t sing and can’t even play a triangle. He’s apparently felt this way for awhile, and the pressure of becoming a parent with a woman who is even less talented than him just caused him to snap.” As Morgan and West chatted in the waiting area, the two became fast friends.

“When they called his flight, he asked if I wanted to go to work for him,” Morgan said. “Without even asking what I’d be doing, I said yes. Being a manicurist at a funeral home is rewarding work, but 20 years is enough.”

Now settled into the Kanyashian compound in California, Morgan says he’s enjoying his new job.

“Kanye is a great boss,” Morgan said. “So far, all I’ve had to do is remove the peanuts from his peanut M&Ms. I asked him if I should just buy the plain M&Ms instead, but he said plain M&Ms are just out-of-date Skittles the U.S. government is using to brainwash its citizens. What can I say? The man is profound.”

Morgan’s other duties include donning a blonde wig and reenacting the Taylor Swift speech interruption and watching “The Bachelorette” and explaining it to Kanye at breakfast. “The plot tends to confuse him,” Morgan said.

Although he wouldn’t comment on Khardashian, Morgan believes she and Kanye have a strong bond.

“They kid around a lot,” Morgan said. “Just the other day he sat a drink on the top of her rump — while she was standing. She walked around the house with it up there for around an hour before she realized it was there; never spilled a drop. Whenever there’s an earthquake, we all take cover under that thing.”

For the most part, Morgan says he just does what Kanye asks him to do, although he did recently try to broaden his employers’ horizons.

“He walked by my room while I was watching a James Brown DVD,” Morgan said. “He asked me who all those people were on stage behind Mr. Brown, and what were those strange objects they were holding. I told him those people were called ‘musicians,’ and those things they were holding were called ‘instruments.’

“He laughed and accused me of pulling his leg — which he often will ask a staff member to do — but eventually, he believed me.” Morgan continued.

“Later, we watched an Anthony Hamilton concert, and Kanye asked what Mr. Hamilton was doing in front of the microphone,” he said. I told him that was called ‘singing.’ He then looked at me with that look of an astronaut that’s just locked himself out of the space station and busted out laughing.”

“You almost had me that time, Kelvin!” Kanye reportedly said. “Singing! Hey Kim, come listen to what this fool just tried to tell me!”

Due to a fitting for custom made extra wide diapers, the child of Kanye and Khardashian was unavailable for comment. The baby’s publicist said she would be available after a two-week stint filling in for Joy Behar on “The View.”

The baby’s new fragrance for infants — Le Poo Noir — hits stores on June 28.