A guy sticks his head round the door of the barbershop and asks, ‘How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours’, ‘OK’ said the guy and left.

and again asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 2-3 hours.’ As before, the guy left.

A week later, the same guy returns and stucks his head into the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half today Sir.’ True to form the guy walked away.

However this time the barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.’

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, ‘So what’s so funny and where does that guy go when he leaves?’

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. – D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. – D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Bomb disposal experts’ wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

Don’t invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.

Bus drivers. Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.

The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.

His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, ‘Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.

She says to the mortician, ‘You have done a magnificent job and I’m very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?’

To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good…

Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts.

He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill’s curiosity gets the better of him and he walks over to the man and asks him what he’s doing. Continue reading Mystery Valentine

Young Simon was walking around his localÂ supermarketÂ picking up a few items forÂ his evening meal when he noticed an old lady was following him.Â He tried to ignore her butÂ everyÂ direction he went she followed.Â Continue reading Goodbye Mother!

Eventually he went to the checkout, but the old lady managed to push in front of him and turned to speak to him.
“I beg your pardon,” she said, “I am veryÂ sorry if I have alarmed you by following you around, but you look just like my son who died recently.”

“I am very sorry to hear that,” replied Simon, “that must be very disconcerting for you. Is there anything I can do to help you?”

“Well there is one thing that would cheer me up a bit,” she said. “As I’m leaving, will you call out ‘Goodbye mother’ to me?”
“Of course,” answered Simon and as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”

The girl on the till checked out his items and said “That will be $135.”

Simon was shocked. “How can my bill be Â£135?” he asked, “I’ve only bought a few things!”

The checkout girl replied, “Your mother said that you would pay for her!”

A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job. The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.

Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home.Â The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.

So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.

As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…

Now Jack was terrified. He couldnâ€™t sleep at all that night and went to the doctor’s first thing the next morning for a check up. After getting a clean bill of health from the doctor he went to work and spent the day being exceedingly careful.

When he finally arrived home that evening his wife was waiting at the front door.
Â “Thank God you’re home,” She said, “Weâ€™ve had another terrible day here. The postman dropped dead on our drive this morning!”

Three girl friends have met up for their weekly meal together and are discussing their relationships.
One of them is engaged, one is a mistress and the other is married.Continue reading How To Surprise A Man

They decide that to try and surprise their men that night
all three will dress up in a leather S&M style bodice, red stilettos and a mask.

The next week they meet up again and compare their experiences.

The engaged girl says, ‘The other night, when my fiance came home, he found me in the leather bodice, the high red stilettos and mask covering my eyes. As soon as he
saw me he grabbed me saying â€œI love youâ€ and carried me upstairs where we made love all night.’

The mistress says, â€˜I went up to my loverâ€™s hotel room where he was waiting for me and knocked on the door. I was wearing the leather bodice, the red stilettos, and the mask, with my fur coat on top. When I entered the room and dropped my coat to the floor, he said â€œWowâ€ and we made love all night.

The married girl say â€˜Hmmph, I got myself dressed up the same as you two, leather bodice, red stilettos and mask over my eyes and waited for my husband to get home from work.â€

â€œHe opened the door, came in and said â€œEvening Batman, whatâ€™s for dinner?â€