Let me start by saying that lesbian moms are just moms who happen to be lesbians.

They may struggle more with legal recognition or even to have their children in the first place, but they are no different than any other mother out there. I’m not a parent but I see how great other lesbian moms are. I sometimes think that these women must actually be pretty strong ladies to be able to be both a parent to their children and a shield against judgement, homophobia and ignorance.

I have observed these loving mothers actually going out of their way to get information leaflets for their child’s school in order to enable the teachers to be equipped with the knowledge of how to deal with any situations which may occur. While this should be the school’s responsibility, it is something the school system unfortunately doesn’t think of or take into consideration so instead we see these lesbian moms taking on both the role of parent and of educator.

Daily prejudices

Some people really do still think that lesbians shouldn’t have children because of the difficulties these children could face because of the type of family they come from.

Yeah, I think that sounds crazy too. Most parents worry that their child may get bullied; but their willingness to answer unnecessarily judgemental questions, and their use of education in preventing their children becoming the victims of bullying, proves that these lesbian parents really do care about how their sexuality will affect their children’s lives and that they care enough to try to change attitudes while still being amazing parents. Supermoms, right?

Bullying can and, too often, will happen to any minority group but it should never ever stop anyone from becoming parents because in this cruel world people will find a reason to bully you regardless of you or your parents’ sexuality, or even race or income.

The LGBT community has a reputation for partying but these are the lesbians who are too tired to party and too wrapped up in family life to even want to be exploring the night life after LGBT Pride. These are the women who are so dedicated to parenthood that the phrase “real mom” has no place in their homes or their lives as they both race around being the best they can be for their children regardless of who carried them.

These ladies pour their heart and soul into helping their kids to be as open minded as possible. Their children are the ones who look on those who are different as being the same. The women who raise children together are just as – if not more – capable of being a good parent, role model and inspiration for their children.

Next time you are tempted to ask about “real moms”, fathers and sperm, male role models or bullying, fight the urge – because these questions can be terribly insulting whatever way they are phrased.

These women are wonderful parents and their sexuality will never or could never change that.

You struggle through your childhood and finally manage to say the words.

You’re gay. Finally. You find a community of other women. You can be yourself now, right?

Sometimes, that’s not the case and that’s the topic American filmmaker Nneka Onuorah wants to explore in a Kickstarter-funding documentary called The Same Difference.

Different but same

Acceptance

The 5 minute trailer below shows groups of African-American lesbian and bisexual identified women discussing their identities and as well as the ways they’ve found that they didn’t fit in a community that was supposed to be about openness and acceptance.

“Who would have thought that there would be hatred amongst a community from the inside that already gets it from the outside?” muses Onuorah in the Huffington Post.

In the lesbian community, for example, if you’re a butch lesbian you can’t do anything girly. You can’t be too beautiful, your pants can’t be too tight, if you get your hair straight that’s wrong and getting pregnant isn’t right.

Policing

The documentary aspires to follow women who have found themselves either policed out of the community for being themselves, and those who find they are restricting their own freedom of presentation and expression in order to fit in.

The inner-community policing of gender roles segregates the lesbian community. It makes it hypocritical. It causes seclusion. It makes people not have a place to feel comfortable. It also causes people to have to hide the some of the most beautiful parts of themselves.

Last weekend I was in town shopping when I found a pair of jeans that I loved. Happy with my discovery, off I went to the changing room, giddy with the possibility of some retail therapy. There was a queue of a handful of people behind me. It seemed like the warm weather had been enough to tempt everyone into the shop. Then it happened, I arrived at the front of the queue and showed the shop assistant my item to get a token. She gave it to me then waved me towards the men’s changing room.

Sing it!

Embarrassed

I’m a sort of butch woman with my hair longer than it usually is and at the time I was wearing shorts and a fitted t shirt. I remember thinking “Hello, I do have lady lumps, you know!”. Normally when someone thinks I’m a man I stay quiet, embarrassed, and try to pretend I hadn’t heard them but to be honest I was a bit sick of it. That woman didn’t even look at me properly. She just glanced my way and made a fast judgement. Sure, she was apologetic when I said “Ah, I am a woman!” but she could have been more respectful. She humiliated me in front of several passersby as well as the other women and men in the queue yet she could barely make eye contact with me when she was apologising.

Dressing the way I want to is worth the infrequent embarrassment but sometimes I get annoyed that we are expected to adapt to other people’s view of how I, as a female, should dress. This woman obviously saw some stereotypical male qualities such as short hair and loose surfer style shirts which prompted her to put two and two together and come up with XY.

Change attitudes

Ignorance

The majority of people identify me as female easily and without hesitation so I think that’s why it gets to me so much when some individuals display such ignorance. Unfortunately, mistaken identity is a regular occurrence for me but it’s not enough to make me want to change.

Changing my appearance to suit others would feel like a denial of who I am. Let’s face it, we already defy the norm by coming out in the first place. I left the shop feeling frustrated yet proud that I actually spoke up for myself for once by correcting the confused woman and sharing a little embarrassment with her. My comfort and happiness is a thousand times more important than what some random stranger thinks about me.

]]>http://www.gaelick.com/2014/06/a-case-of-changing-room-mistaken-identity/35054/feed/2Don’t let Brenda Power reign on our Parade….http://www.gaelick.com/2009/07/dont-let-brenda-power-reign-on-our-parade/2585/
http://www.gaelick.com/2009/07/dont-let-brenda-power-reign-on-our-parade/2585/#commentsMon, 06 Jul 2009 13:23:44 +0000http://www.gaelick.com/?p=2585I’m still seething at Brenda Power’s gobsmackingly ill-informed and homophobic ‘article’ in yesterday’s Sunday Times. How can she pass judgment (phrases like “get-up” and “carry-on”) on a Pride Parade she didn’t attend? How can the Sunday Times see fit to publish such a poorly-researched article – what next? Reviews of theatre from a production shot? Reviews of concerts from hearsay?

My legal-eagle colleagues will eloquently refute her prejudiced and disingenuous remarks in relation to marriage. I’m particularly incensed by her slur on LGBT families. How can she dare to suggest that being brought up in what she calls “an outwardly unconventional home” damages children and their “prospects for a rounded self-image, the likelihood of social acceptance in their crucial formative years”?

My teenage daughter has marched with me at Pride for the last three years – and has relished the excitement, warmth and possibilities of openness, tolerance and diversity on the streets of Dublin. She loves the colourful celebration that is Pride and – unlike Ms. Power – was profoundly impressed with Panti’s unifying, intelligent and (as always) witty speech. I’m thrilled that she is learning the underlying politics from such an articulate spokesperson. She’ll need this as she moves out in the world…and faces the only real threat to ‘self-image’ as a teenager in a lesbian family – the ugly prejudice and close-mindedness of the Brenda Powers of this world.