“Setup Squad” recap: Episode Eight

Yoo hoo! It’s another recap of Setup Squad, the show on LOGO that is like a cross between Pygmalion and cage fighting. Let’s dive right in!

The first sacrificial lamb is Lorraine, a 44-year -old straight lady who believes that her job as a cop and her passion as a bodybuilder scare off men. “Who’s afraid of handcuffs and a nightstick on the first date?” quips Jonathan. Lorraine states that she wants a makeover, so Renee assigns Meredith to the task, partly because Meredith “breaks all stereotypes of lesbians being hardcore.” Wait, did Renee just call Meredith a wuss?

Next is Zed. If Rivers Cuomo had a little brother, it would be Zed. As soon as he starts talking, Helen and Jonathan immediately start feeling fuzzy where the sun don‘t shine. “He’s Peter Parker, and underneath that is one cute Superman,” says Jonathan, fanning himself. “Jonathan is really excited to work with Zed,” remarks Renee. That’s because he wants to borrow Lorraine’s nightstick, bend him over a pool table and spank him with it. Here’s some advice: Just buy the kid a guitar, teach him three chords and girls will be clawing each other to get to him like shoppers brawling each other for flat screen TVs at Walmart on Black Friday.

Meredith meets Lorraine at the gym. Lorraine tells Meredith about this one time where a guy asked whether she had an Adam’s Apple, which seems to have scarred her for life. Lorraine, this guy is what people generally refer to as an “a–hole” or a “douche bag.” Whoever that guy is needs coaching from Renee, preferably with a taser.

Next Renee and her boyfriend Myles have a meal together, where Renee complains that team relations have basically descended into anarchy. See, if someone pees in the pool, all you need is chlorine to sterilize the contamination. But here, everyone is s–tting in the pool. That’s a whole other story. You have to drain the pool and start from scratch. “Everyone is replaceable,” says Myles.

Meredith takes Lorraine to a bar, where she makes conversation with two guys, and the conversation basically goes like this:

Dude: Where are you from?Lorraine: Tee hee hee hee.Dude: What do you do?Lorraine: Police officer, tee hee hee hee hee!

Meredith is confused and remarks that Lorraine is acting like a giggling schoolgirl and not like the intimidating warrior princess she thinks she is. Lorraine alludes to the rude Adam’s Apple guy again and admits she feels like she needs to tone it down around men.

Renee goes to Lauretta’s house to get the story from Lauretta about the latest squabble among the team members. “How are you feeling about the other night? I know it was very very weird,” says Lauretta. Toddler Sophie babbles something emphatically, which, according to Google Translate’s baby pidgin to English function is: “I can’t even speak yet, and I’m more mature than any of you.”

Jonathan takes Zed to a bar, where he strikes out, because he makes bad jokes about condiments and California. I can’t even remember what they were; the jokes were so unmemorable and flat, and I‘m too lazy to rewind the DVD.

Then the team decides to meet and do damage control, and they come to a consensus: “No beef in the air in front of mommy!” We’ll see how long that lasts.

Renee and Meredith take Lorraine to a boutique uptown where they throw a dress onto Lorraine, pat her on the ass and send her strutting into the last twenty minutes of this show, which were the longest twenty minutes of my life. Really, neither of these clients are all that terrible. Why are they on this show? Compared to the miscreants and freakshows I run across in this city on a regular basis, they are as normal as you can get. Bring back DJ Douchebag and make this recap easier for me!

Jonathan asks Zed to stand in front of a mic and do a comedy routine to show just how “…” his humor is. “It’s like the first time they showed Lindsay Lohan a mirror,” says Jonathan. “It’s going to hurt.” Zed makes jokes about jungles, David Bowie and looking through holes to see who is on the other side of a knock knock joke. What is he talking about? Glory holes? I have no idea. I am so confused.

Then Jonathan and Helen go out to coffee and Jonathan tells Helen that he doesn’t want to be BFFs anymore. This makes Helen sad, so Helen breaks the “no beef in front of mommy” rule and decides to talk to Renee. Renee is unsympathetic. She just wants to be paid $200 an hour like all other therapists in NYC.

Jonathan takes Zed to a lounge where he chats up three girls and compares living in New Jersey to “the N word.” Not only should this guy be given a guitar, he should also be given John Mayer’s publicist.

Lorraine and Meredith go to a bar, where Lorraine strikes up a conversation with a guy from Connecticut. Everything is going well. Why is she on this show again? I think she just wanted new clothes. Oh, but then she pulls Meredith aside and starts processing about female masculinity. This is one of the most common conversation topics for lesbians, so Meredith just nods and smiles and listens to the straight girl state something she already knows. It is nice to know that straight people have to suffer through these conversations too.

Jonathan and Zed go to a bar, where Zed refrains from making inappropriate jokes about balls and sticks, and probably through the miracle known as video editing, he comes across as a good conversationalist. Jonathan’s work is done, and there are less than ten minutes left in this episode, so I’m pretty stoked.

Lorraine has a surprise for Meredith. She sashays into a bar wearing a new dress. See? All she wanted were new clothes. Lorraine and Meredith go to a bar, where she flirts with two guys who want to see her muscles. Nothing goes wrong. And with a new wardrobe, Lorraine is happy, and Meredith triumphs without lifting a finger.

Uh oh. Team meeting. After Jonathan and Meredith talk about their successes, Renee abruptly leaves the table, clearly sick of the team’s recent shenanigans, and the team sits there reading the off-screen cue cards telling them to act shocked. “Guys, we have a problem,” notes Lauretta. Dramatic music. Curtain.