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Illinois's fish industry went on alert Tuesday after a
vicious Asian Snakehead fish from Asia was netted in Lake
Michigan. No one suggested dredging the lake. The Democrats would
never disturb a Teamsters burial ground so close to an election.

The FBI on Friday began running security checks on all
foreigners who enroll in flight school. That only took three
years. The policy was delayed until the government finished
implementing the recommendations of the Pearl Harbor Commission.

Bill Clinton lobbied Friday to be selected the next U.N.
Secretary-General. It would give him diplomatic immunity from
United States law at the workplace. He's trying to get the job
before Bill O'Reilly and Arnold Schwarzenegger find out about it.

The White House got word Wednesday that Chiron Lab may not
be able to supply the United States with any flu vaccine next year
either. It's just as well. The popularity of reality television
suggests that it's time to thin out the herd anyway.

John Kerry drank beer with the guys Wednesday and watched
the Boston Red Sox on TV. He tries hard not to appear snooty.
However, when he went to the grocery store to get some hamburgers,
he asked the butcher for two pounds of Ground Charles.

The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil hit fifty-three
dollars a barrel on Tuesday due to shortfalls in supply.
Commodities are soaring. Milk may be going up fifty cents a gallon
in the first sign that Saudi Arabia has begun raising cows.