Tag Archives: Jesus Christ

Next week I’ll go out on a limb and say Adolf Hitler was kind of a dick and that I’m fairly certain Charles Manson didn’t like cute kittens because he was also a dick.

This, as you have guessed, is about Castro’s suicide in a Cleveland prison Tuesday night. It’s also about why I’m not happy about his suicide, why I’m tired of hearing “Christians” say “rot in hell” about how why his suicide wasn’t much a tax savings after all.

It’s about all these things because I really, really, really wanted that asshole to rot in jail for the rest of his life.

So I’m not happy he’s dead.

You see, I’m a filthy atheist.

So, according to my beliefs (and that’s all they are, no one really knows after all) dead means you cease to exist. No more thought, no afterlife, no internet porn, no beer, nothing.

You simply no longer exist. With that in mind I think Ariel gave us a final “fuck you” before ending the suffering he deserved. I’m shocked the Ohio state prison system didn’t keep a better watch on him but I understand not every prisoner can be monitored 24/7.

Still, his suicide was a final middle-finger salute to each and every one of us. Make no mistake, it was. There are also three young ladies out there that it might be more of an issue with as well.

There seem to be two crowds commenting around this asshole. The “Rot in hell crowd” and the “Tax-dollars saved crowd”.

Both are fucked and here’s why.

The Rot in hell.

… or don’t. Whatever

OK, you Christians have it a bit easier when it comes to this after-death stuff. For us atheists it’s pretty cut and dry. Not for you folks though. And that’s pretty cool. You way of thinking is if you’re good you get to party with Jesus and all the angles, and if you’re bad Satan forces you to watch reruns of Malcolm in the Middle or some shit (I’m not up on my modern interpretations of hell I admit).

So let me just propose a hypothetical to you. I think we can all agree that Castro died of asphyxiation right? There’s no way that jail cell had enough room for him to snap his neck. Asphyxiation takes a bit of time? Up to six minutes, it seems, three of which you are likely to remain conscious. So what if, as he slowly suffocated, his last coherent thought was, “Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I accept you into my heart even though I am unable to reverse the sin of suicide I repent my actions throughout my life,” or whatever.

My point is — what if at the last moment he accepted Jesus into his heart truly and he regretted what he had done.

He’s in heaven then right? Admit it, if the above is true he’s there with the lord right now.

And you’re not, neener neener.

Again, I don’t believe in either heaven or hell but you’ve got to love a system where a last minute “Sorry I fucked up,” thought is a get out of jail free card. Try that with your boss at work and let us know how it works!

Let’s say that didn’t happen or maybe it did and Jesus looked on Facebook and Twitter and saw all the rot in hell comments and thought, “Nope, fuck this asshole. Off to hell you go.”

Well isn’t the bible littered with shit about judging? Isn’t that shit kind of shitty, according to the big man? He’s all like, “Look humans I’ll do the fucking judging ’cause I made all of you so you all just chill, OK.”

… see, it’s in a cartoon!

No really, that’s what it’s all about … don’t fucking judge people. When a person’s immortal soul is on the line and you weigh in with “burn in hell” well you’re fucking judging. You are. Saying someone deserves to rot in hell is judging.

Look I don’t believe in an invisible-omnipresent person in the sky, but if I did I’d fucking leave the judging to him for fuck’s sake. He, she, it knows everything! I can’t fucking figure out how they seal up a can of beer. Maybe you’ve got it all figured out, but me, I realize I’m not even half as smart as something called “God” and leave that eternal damnation shit to it.

Let me ask you this. We’re all friends here, right? If we were both in line for coffee and I asked you for a nickel you’d give me one right? Hell, I’d flip you one if the situation were reversed. It’s a nickel really, and at the end of the day, what’s a nickel?

I think my tax dollars should be used for this type of prison! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ohio’s budget in 2011 was about 26 billion. That’s a lot of money. The cost to house a lifetime inmate in 2012 in Ohio was … wait for it … About $20,000 per year. That’s way less than the average family giving me a nickel once a year.

Yeah I know! Look it up, it’s true. It’s the state budget equivalent of your family budgeting my needing a nickel for coffee every year, once a year, for the next 40 years. That’s basically like you and I paying $2 dollars over that amount of time to make sure the fucker suffers, and let me tell you, I’m in on this one. That’s a good use of my tax dollars. Hell, I’d proudly pay that just to make sure that fucker rots. In a cell. Forever.

Ever have that shit happen to you? You’re on the way to work, you stop for a quick cup of coffee and you say mindlessly to some stranger, “How are you,” and they fuck up your day with this moronic bullshit?

That’s not even a real answer to the question. Your day is either good, bad or in between — those are the fucking answers you’re allowed to give.

“How is your day” isn’t a question that invites a response of, “I love baby Jesus.” You’re phishing and hoping the person you say it to will magically find Jesus afterward.

Here’s a fact, you’re a total twat for saying that.

Seriously, if you’re currently answering the aforementioned question with, “I’m blessed,” is the verbal equivalent of spam. Its unsolicited bullshit put into my head in an effort to trick me into doing something you want.

You’re doing this because you’re a twat.

I’m going to start wasting the time and energy of every one of you twats by asking a shit ton of questions after you give that response.

Me: Hi, how are you?

Stranger: I’m blessed!

You forgot, “and a twat.”

Me: You’re what?

Stranger: Blessed.

Me: What’s that mean?

Stranger: You know, by the Lord.

Me: The who? What are you talking about?

Stranger: Our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Me: Look you don’t have to swear at me. What lord and savior? I thought we had a president?

Stranger: Jesus Christ!

Me: Stop swearing at me! Who is our lord and savior?

And so forth.

Right back at you bible thumpers. You want to say stupid shit to a question that every sane person answers with, “I’m good, how are you,” then I’m going to find out exactly what you mean. We can Who’s-On-First that shit until the apocalypse, fuckheads.

Jesus Christ, you people piss me off.

You know what else pisses me off? Bumper stickers, that’s what. Not all of them. That would be stupid. The stick family on your back window, that’s cool. The stick family on your back window being chased by a chain-saw wielding maniac? Great, I love it. Do you break for yard sales? Awesome!

What I’m talking about are political bumper stickers in general and election bumper stickers, before and after an election, specifically.

So Jesus and George Washington, after killing all the French people, got together and wrote the constitution, and that’s why we have Christmas boys and girls. America!

If your bumper sticker says that you support giving aborted fetuses handguns because Jesus said it was OK when he wrote the constitution while high on legal marijuana, you’re an idiot. But you’re a forgivable idiot and at least there’s a remote chance you convinced someone to read up on the merits or pitfalls of arming aborted babies. I mean it’s their constitutional right — the bible says so.

This is one of those areas where I don’t care which side of the political spectrum you favor. Putting a political statement on the bumper of your car just makes you look like a drooling idiot. It’s the same, almost, as the “I’m blessed” crowd.

Look fuckheads: The messages on your bumper should be reserved for snark and/or telling us what great fucking crotch fruit you’ve produced. (Even then I think it’s slightly retarded but not nearly as retarded and someone affixing one as it relates to an election.)

I’m political, very political in fact. I’ve donated money to candidates before. I’ve even received bumper stickers for that money. Did I put them on my bumper to show the world my “support?” Fuck no, because no “undecided” voter in the history of democracy has ever, ever saw one and said, “Well that’s it, I’m voting for that guy because it’s on that dude’s bumper.”

And if I’m wrong with the above assumption and some moron did vote for the candidate of my choice because of my bumper sticker, well, that person is a fucking moron and shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the first place. I’d love to read the exit poll quote with that mouth breather.

Pollster: And why did you vote for that candidate?

Moron: Ummm, because the bumper sticker told me too?

So — at best — putting one on your car is fucking pointless, and at worst it encourages the uninformed to vote. You’re simply not fucking helping.

I can kind of see how, if you picked the winner, you’d be tempted to leave it on to gloat, but really after like six months aren’t you just advertising to the world that you once, way back when, made the same decision the majority of the people did? Really, you’re proud of that? Way to follow the herd.

And those that support the losers? Don’t get me started.

There’s a car at my work with a bumper sticker that says “Romney 2012, Makers vs. Takers.” This is hysterical to me because, I promise you, the driver of the car is a federal employee.

But I digress.

Here’s a constant reminder of the day the members of my democratic country disagreed with me. Right here, on my car! For fuck sake stop and remove that reminder of your failure. I’d be equally pissed if Obama lost the 2012 election and I saw a bumper sticker supporting him today. You need to get rid of that shit, it’s a mobile billboard shouting, “I backed the wrong horse!”

Okay look I know I’ve got very little or even no room to talk here but I’m going to talk anyway. My facebook feed has been blown up over the past several months with shit like this. Yeah yeah we all (well mostly all) do it but are some of the ones that either made me laugh (for the wrong reasons) or made me litterally roll my eyes.

Cancer is BAD!

I admit it, I was too cool.

Remember the old email spam that said for every forward of an email Bill Gates will donkey-punch a hooker, err I mean he would give a nickel to (insert the charity here)? If you ever recieved one you (hopefully) rolled your eyes and questioned the wisdom of getting gramma an internet connection. As retarded as those emails were, this one is even worse. How is posting this honoring anyone or anything? This has the exact same effect of my opening my bedroom window and yelling, “I honor cancer victims” really, really loudly. Actually that has more effect, I’ll annoy the neighbors and I might scare a cat. You want to show me that you honor cancer victims? Upload a receipt of your donation to a cancer charity or better yet do some volunteer work. That honors cancer victims. Jesus Christ, I need a fucking cigarette.

Look, if I was 100% truthful you’d beat the crap out of me

This one I think is for people that never got over the whole Santa Clause thing.

Basically, Santa was having an affair with your mom, you knew that right?

Fine, but sit down and have a drink first. Yes you’re too fat. That’s an ugly baby. You really are stupid. That dress makes you look like a whore. I thought your idea was idiotic. I haven’t written or called because I don’t give a shit. Oh yeah and you’re new hobby doesn’t interest me at all. I’m going out for a drink with the boys because you’re driving me insane. I bought you this expensive gift because I thought it would get me into your pants. I spent little Jonny’s college fund on hookers and blow last weekend in Vegas, the bank didn’t a mistake.

You’re right that was better.

No, it really doesn’t matter, even though you think it does

After its all over I'm having a beer

Look, if we’re really gone, as in dead, it doesn’t matter, at all. How we treat each other matters right now, not later and surely not after we’re dead. On my tombstone put:

Todd Oliver*Born blah, blah, blahDied blah, blah, blah.

* he was an asshole

I’ll be gone. I won’t mind, It’s okay really.

Yeah, yeah I know this is talking about after the agruement but when I first read it I thought it meant after we’re dead.

This or That? When or Why

lolz at fat gurls!

I know exactly when this happened; it was Nov 20, 1993 at exactly 4:13 p.m., I remember because I was eating a cheeseburger.

It was a really good cheeseburger.

Why did this become hotter than this? That’s the real question here isn’t it? I can tell you why, because you and me and every one of us ‘bought’ it.

We drive the market for this shit not the other way around. As an aside anyone else find it hysterical that we Americans get collectively fatter each year while our super models could blend in with famine victims?

That shit cracks me up.

I ♥ ‘MERICA!

Get yer gun!

I post on face book a lot of political shit. Seriously it’s a lot of politicl crap, my wild ass guess is that about 50% of what I say there relates to politics. But even this, were it to reflect my political opinions, is over the top.

Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up.

Eighty Six percent of the people reading this are going to finally have 100% proof that you’re an idiot. Your two redneck friends from high school will repost it and your coworkers are going to eye you suspiciously at work tomorrow.

Term limits. Good idea, if only we had some sort of voting system to help us with that.

Balanced budget AND tax reform? I hope you were extra good this year if that’s what you’re hoping to get for Christmas. You want these things? Good idea, next time you vote for a senator, congressman or even the president, make sure the he or she can compromise a bit. That’s how this should work, each side gives a little and the result is in the middle. Simply yelling ‘no’, is what two year olds do.

No freebies to non citizens and closed borders, first off no voy a recoger la lechuga de mierda and does the term xenophobia mean anything to you? Because you forgot to add it I’ll give you a free one, no shira law either, amiright?

The constitution and the bill of rights are great but how is that culture? Look you can have a bill of rights and a constitution and live in a society where every second Sunday of the month all males over the age of 16 dip their balls in green paint and yell, “I have green balls” because that’s the cultural norm.

English is a language. Now please look up culture, thanks.

Ahh here is the nut of it, “Obama gone”. Relax man he will be gone … in 2016.

Lay off the drugs (while on Facebook)

This one is just weird. It’s like Frodo from Lord of the Rings meets soft porn and well she does have a sweet

I think I need this printed on a shirt

rack. Anyway, can anyone explain this? I thought not. Has anyone told that three wolf one moon guy at Amazon about this image? Can someone? Thanks.

And finally …

That's great. Are you going to show me your boobs or not?

You know who else was a best friend and a worst nightmare, Hitler. Are you saying women are like Hitler? Surely someone considered Hitler their best friend, maybe an old high-school buddy or that kid that grew up next to him. He was the guy in the bar that would say, “What about Adolf, he’s my best friend you know.” Minus the whole genocide, invasion of western and eastern Europe thing I fully agree. Women are like Hitler.