Wednesday, May 2, 2012

All right, Sally Fallon, Nina Planck and
Fox News, you’ve discovered our secret plan. It’s time to stop beating around
the bush and time to lay our cards on the table. We are a reasonable people.
It’s not a big deal. It’s just that from every corner of the world, we
herbivores are mating and adopting children with the intention of creating an
army of cold-eyed vegan spawn who will swat the hot dogs right out of
your innocent hands. They won’t say a word and that will be the most menacing
part of this assault on your civil liberties: they will just get a mean little
squint in their eyes and then boom - your hot dog will be on the ground.
Omnivore, it doesn’t matter if you’re clutching fast-food chicken sandwiches or
grass-fed beef, conventional dairy or free-range eggs: our child army will find
you and that is when you’ll realize that acid reflux is the least of your problems. Look around the playground. See that little boy on
the swings, the girl in braids hanging from the parallel bars?

They are watching you.

They are not happy.

We are not happy.

Oh, we are so pissed but we have plans. We are so certain that we will be victorious
that we’re letting you know what our plans are.

First, we will take your jobs. All
superiors will also be replaced with one of us. You will be sent packing
without a sad little party or even a card. We will fill every staff kitchen and
vending machine with flax crackers, dehydrated acai berries and coconut water.
This will be our fuel. Doubt us? Who is going to have the stamina, the ability
to outrun, climb, dodge and outwit? The omnivores? Good one. And who is going
to have the dogged persistence and fortitude necessary for such a bold
uprising? Who are the ones who have been told to “eat around” meat, dealt with
annoying questions at Thanksgiving and have been the punch line to every single
office comedian’s joke for-freaking-ever. That’s right. It’s going to be the
vegans. This includes political office, too, in case you were wondering.

Then we’re going to move in next door to you. We’re going to rip out all the grass and plant every variety of kale
we can get our hands on - curly, red, lacinto – so every neighborhood is a sea
of leafy greens. We’re going to ferment cabbage with the windows open all
summer long. And who is that looking over the fence or balcony at you while
you’re grilling dead animal parts? Why, it’s us and our cold-eyed children. We
will direct delivery trucks dropping off our weekly supply of nutritional yeast
to double-park in front of your car and we will run our high-speed blenders at
6:00 in the morning on weekends just to be mean because that is who we are. Our
kids will have green smoothie lemonade stands and teach your kids about the
enslavement of so-called food animals. Next, they will cover circuses, rodeos,
vivisection. If you think we’re bad, you will shudder when you meet our
children. They have chlorophyll for blood, an implant that screens Meet Your Meat continuously in their heads and they are unstoppable.

Next, we will take over the schools. The
new schedules will look like this:

First period: Sun salutations

Second period: Strategies in total global
domination

Third period: Classics in revolutionary
literature

Fourth period: Movement theory workshop

Fifth period: Vegan potluck

Sixth period: Omnivorous atrocities
through the ages

Seventh period: Vegan rock star chorus

Eighth period: The social science of
insurgencies

Our schools will have classroom after
classroom filled with cold-eyed vegan children and teenagers raised on tofu
scramble and filled with revolutionary zeal. In short, you’re screwed.

Finally, we become the media. When
Big Vegan takes over, not only will we write and report the news, we will
determine all the programming and create the content. Every sitcom,
reality show, talk show and drama will be developed from a vegan framework and
overtly designed to topple omnivorism. A sample on any given night? NBC: A
vegan confronts her family about their blatant speciesism on the Kathy Freston
Show. HBO: Four stylish best friends representing different archetypes navigate
the ups-and-downs of the NYC vegan dating scene (Episode 4: Eleanor feels
insecure when her boyfriend flirts with the hot young anarchist at the Occupy
Omnivorism protest. Should they break up?) Bravo: The Real Vegan Power Couples
of the Bay Area. You don’t like television? We will run all newspapers and
radio stations as well. None of this is close to approximating the
international arsenal of bloggers we are prepared to unleash, either.

So, as you can see, we will be
infiltrating everything. We will be everywhere. We will be the judge when you
are contesting a traffic ticket. We will be the parents of the girl you are
trying to impress. We will run the neighborhood zoning committee and will be on
the board of your condo association. We will be the ones who switched on the
police car lights you just noticed in your rear view mirror.