Visible sirens

In the first of a 2-part series, Paul Singh tells us how to avoid the

Over the years, with my experience and trained eye, I’ve come across a few flocks from Venus who make me want to dig a grave for myself or run for the hills. These women are everywhere – living next door, at work, the coffee shop and (while you read this on your iPad) sleeping in your bed. And the truth is that most men are unable to decipher the Venus code, leading to the point of no return – marriage and kids. I say, let's attune those senses, drivel the past and start afresh – the right way.

How does one go about doing such a thing? Simple, understand the opponent, keep your ears open (like Toby Maguire from Spiderman), observe the finer details and make notes on what I’m about to reveal.

Xena – The Feminist Princess Most commonly found in the corporate jungle or in a leadership position. The sword, steel bust plate and Greek lace are replaced by Gucci ghetto. She oozes feminism – you’ll often receive a women-have-bigger-balls indictment. Male chauvinism will be frowned upon. The flipside, however, has some advantages — dominatrix in bed, lots of leather and spanking. Unless you’re secretly a man-lesbian, you’d be better of with The Tease.

The Tease
This breed embodies a cute cuddle-like face, perfect bumpers and a demeanour, similar to Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angels. She’s fun, flamboyant, drinks like a bear and a natural trophy to dangle in front of boys. Being with this girl is as good as bungee jumping without the rubber. Every moment will be a Kodak one, your face will glow and life will be beautiful. But, you’re going to get pissed off when after all that attention she’ll drop you like a hot plate of peanuts the moment you spill your beans i.e. speak your heart. Be prepared with tissues and lots of vodka.

Pocket Poojari
Usually found buzzing around rich ugly men with deep pockets – like a fly on something gooey that smells. The Pocket Poojari (devotee) is usually a perfect 10 – every square inch dipped in sexy vanilla goo that makes men week in the knees. At this point, you’d be thinking what’s he got? The answer my friend is in the pocket of credit cards that sit next to a Mercedes engraved fob. So unless you’re one of the Lehman brothers, prepare to auction your assets.

Holy Woman
You'll bump into her at the temple, post prayers or pre-service, a moment you will regret later with your half-baptised brain. The “Holy Bebe” is a typical Indian aunty and has a solution for everything, including erectile dysfunction – courtesy of God. At first this may come across as cute and funny, but once things get serious you’ll experience frequent pooja-path (prayers) – even before sex, and maybe even after. Be prepared with holy books, candles and oodles of meditation sticks.

Matrimony Devi
You’ll meet her in cooking class, at the gym or during morning yoga in the park. Her innocent brown eyes, soft-spoken nature and simplicity will have you howling in the middle of the night like a thirsty cave man. Being with her is all about mushy talk, incessant updates on where you are, have you eaten, have you pooped, did you wake up, where are you now? Her cute dimpled-smile will, in a short time, turn into annoying rants about how you should get married. So unless you’re a typical Indian man who’s an over possessive nincompoop, I’d say get the hell out of here.