Breaking News: Theresa May Wants To Ban Tourism

Surrounded by signs that boasted of 'strong and stable leadership' and above a ticker-tape promising that 'Brexit is an opportunity', Theresa May today laid out her masterplan for Britain: ending tourism.

Speaking in Wales - where people heading for a holiday is a fairly significant industry - the Prime Minister announced: "we want to lead the world in preventing tourism."

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And right she is, too. For far too long now have we suffered under the tyranny of tourism, generating billions for economy, yes - but at what cost? To have our God-given right to stroll freely up Oxford Street slowed down by confused Japanese people holding Tube maps. To have our peaceful trip to Kew Gardens thwarted by loud American accents.

Brexit means Brexit, and it also means dismantling the London Eye, boarding up M&M world, erecting selfie-stick amnesty bins in Hyde Park and blowing up the channel tunnel. The 'visitors from outside the EU' passport queue will be redirected back to the tarmac so tourists can immediate board another plane home. The Madame Tussauds' collection must be melted down to form a foreigner-confusing barrier around the whole of Zone 1.

At least we assume all this is true.

In other news, we're really starting to understand the Prime Minister's reluctance to take part in a live television debate.

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