I read the news today … oh boy

For those of us desperately waiting for the concluding season of Breaking Bad to air, the Rob Ford show has been a worthy replacement. While chemistry-teacher-turned-meth-impresario Walter White and the Toronto mayor couldn’t be further apart from an intellectual standpoint, they share an uncanny talent for narrowly escaping significant legal problems and avoiding full disclosure of their RV-sized closets of secrets — all while employing sidekicks who have been accused of selling narcotics.

(By the way, wouldn’t a bumbling, populist mayor of Albuquerque, who is also a Walter-Jesse client, fit like a glove into the fictional Breaking Bad universe? Watching Hiesenberg dress down a character very, very closely based on Rob Ford would be truly cathartic. Make it happen, Vince Gilligan).

The mayor’s office turnover rate is now rivaled only by the latino boy band Menudo. Recently, Christopher Fickel — special assistant and assistant to the chief of staff — quit Ford’s office. Fickel was best known for playing double duty with Ford as an assistant coach with the Don Boscoe Eagles. Hopefully the young staffer will be able to use his unique skill set to catch on with a politician who hasn’t been banned from coaching high school football.

Whoever replaces Fickel will join a young staff that more closely resembles an orientation week planning committee than a traditional mayor’s office. Here’s what I think a typical Day in the Life of a Ford staffer looks like:

9:00 am — Meticulously go through the articles pertaining to the mayor in the Toronto Star, the National Post and the Globe and Mail. Highlight in yellow those accusations that are “politically damaging”; use blue for “may get sued,” and pink for “we’re all going to jail”.

9:30 am — Assist the communications director by deleting all emails and voice messages with the words “interview request” or “comment” in them.

9:45 am — Assist chief of staff by deleting all emails and voice messages with the words “premier’s office” in them.

Whoever replaces Fickel will join a young staff that more closely resembles an orientation week planning committee than a traditional mayor’s office.

10:00 am — When Mayor Ford arrives, immediately bring him a cold wet towel, two large coffees, three gatorades and an Advil smoothie.

10:30 am — Attend weekly staff meeting. Do not volunteer to take care of one-off fence disputes and minor pothole complaints; leave those for the mayor, it’s his bread and butter.

10:30 am — Hour break for a few games of Madden ’13 and homemade s’mores.

11:30 am — Read aloud for the mayor selected columns from the Toronto Sun. Be ready to provide definitions for any word with three or more syllables (not a common occurrence).

12:00 — Lunch. Relax and join the staff as they share a punch bowl full of creatine and watch the NFL Network.

1:00 pm — Call into CFRB. Claim to be (insert name) from (insert Toronto inner-suburb) and call (insert political foe of the week) a dangerous socialist who is to the left of Stalin. Then say something incoherent about bike lanes, gravy and cranes in the sky. Call back and repeat with different names and funny voices.

2:30 pm — Try to convince the mayor to attend a Pride event. If he agrees to attend, remind him to try not to get photographed standing three feet away from other dignitaries while staring into the heavens like he’s caught in a tractor beam.

3:30 pm — On behalf of the mayor, research coaching opportunities in minor football organizations with lax coaching restrictions. Cross-reference with list of leagues the mayor has already been banned from.

4:00 pm — Assist Doug Ford’s office in political “blamestorming” session, whereby real and imagined transgressions are assigned to a political rival. Come up with 10 useable ideas and get 25 per cent off label printing courtesy of Deco Labels.

5:00 pm — Congratulations! You made it. If you’re over 19 years of age you should celebrate with a cold one.

And get working on that exit plan!

Geoff Hendry is an actor, writer, standup comedian and news junkie. He’s the author of award-winning screenplays and has ghosted scripts for some of Canada’s best-known broadcasters and entertainers. He is based in Sackville, N.B.

The views, opinions and positions expressed by all iPolitics columnists and contributors are the author’s alone. They do not inherently or expressly reflect the views, opinions and/or positions of iPolitics.

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Geoff Hendry is an actor, writer, standup comedian and news junkie. He's the author of award-winning screenplays and has ghosted scripts for some of Canada's best-known broadcasters and entertainers. He is based in Sackville, N.B.