I was parked out in the country and just had sex with a hot chick I had been trying to hook up with for years. As we were sitting there I thought I would be a hard ass and tell her to hit me in my abs because she had been talking about them all night. So, I’m leaning over her, we are both butt naked I might add, and she gives me a shot to the gut. Quit pissibly the worst idea of my life. Apparently I devoted all my clenching power to my stomach because when she hit me I ended up shitting all over her, myself and the car. At least we had already hooked up…..

In Amsterdam one morning after a night of drinking Jameson’s and this piss beer called Columbus- I think it was like 9% alcohol- I woke up in this little boat on one of the canals with the most terrifying urge to defecate. It was like God reached down and grabbed me near the base of my spine with his mighty hand and was slowly squeezing until I leaked shit. Before I ruined my only pair of pants in a foreign country I searched like hell for a toilette. All I found was a playground full of children with no good bushes for cover. I feared being chased by an angry mob of Dutch mothers so I tried to make it to my friend’s squat several blocks away. I made it half a block along the first main street, when there was God’s firm grip on my bowels again, this time unrelenting. I felt as if I were a tube of toothpaste being squeezed by an overzealous dental hygienist. Leaning against a brick building the poo ran out of me and formed a hot mud mask around my butt cheeks. I remember grabbing my pant legs around the back of the knees in an attempt to maintain the leakage. Like a dejected animal I walked -somewhat ridiculously-hunched over with my hands gripped around my knees for six blocks.

When i got to the squat I yelled up to my friend Burgers’ window for him to let me in, they had running water and a shower… posh I know. Burger came to the window up on the 4th floor and yelled down that they were all still sleeping and to come back later, he started to disappear back away from the window.“WAIT!” I yelled “it’s a goddamn emergency!!”He came back to the window annoyed and yelled back“WHATTHAFUK?”Seeing no use with discretion i let him know“I shat myself okay? I need to use the shower for christsake!!!”a moment later it had registered with him and everyone else up there for that matter, because i heard a raspy if not thunderous amount of laughter come from the window.Finally he threw down the keys and i was making my way up the four flights of stairs, hunched over with feces beginning to make its way into my boots.Once inside burger opened the door holding his nose like a little kid about to jump off the high dive at the local public swimming pool, I saw half a dozen heads peak out of sleeping bags then disappear back inside to snigger at me.After being shown down a dark hallway with no lights to the bathroom that also had no electricity, I took the coldest shower I ever experienced-in total darkness.I got in, turned the water on, then I took all my clothes off. I washed all the shit off my lower body then tried to clean my pants, forcing little turds through the tiny holes in the drain with my toes, until the poo was all disbursed. When my pants were nearly clean I put them on inside out and just stood under the icy water shivering in the shower for about 20 minutes while waiting for the smell to wash away.It never quite did.I dripped dry as best I could, turned my pants right side out then left the bathroom and left the squat.Later that night I was mostly dried out. i ran into a few of the people from that squat that night on Dammraak- the main street near the train station and the red-light district. They were all quite jovial and happy to tease me about the morning. Someone handed me a warm Columbus and said “here you go paddy poopy pants” and everyone laughed their asses off at my expense.The nickname hung around me about as long as the odor did.I left Holland for Germany a week later and it was cool with me that the nickname didn’t follow.

When I was 17, 4 of us went camping in the woods at one of the guy’s grandparents farm. Of course, we had managed to get a case of Blue Ribbon. After a few hours, most of the beer was gone and we were all sitting around the campfire, feeling no pain. My best friend lifted his butt off the ground and ripped a loud fart. In our intoxicated state, that seemed like the funniest thing ever. Then one of the others let one go, producing more laughter. Soon we were all trying to outdo each other. Then it happened. I felt what I thought was a good one building up. I lifted my butt and gave a mighty push to maximize the sound. Instead of farting, I pooped in my pants. I guess the smell, plus the look on my face gave me away, because they all started laughing at me and teasing me about messing my pants. The guys have all called me stinky ever since.

The day started like most days. I was taking a vacation from work for a week, just doing things that needed done around home. The one difference was that I had to make a 75 mile drive up to the DC area to pick up a piccolo that I was getting for my daughters birthday. The trip up was quite uneventful, and I had soon exchanged $500 for the instrument and was back on the interstate heading south. About 10 minutes into the trip, I felt a stirring in my bowels, that indicated I needed to take a shit pretty soon.(why isn’t it leave a shit). Oh well, I’d just passed a sign that said rest area 20 miles. I don’t like using those bathrooms, especially the stalls, but I really had to go, and grownups don’t shit in their pants, so I resolved to bite the bullet and stop at the rest area. Each mile, my need to go became greater. I’d been clocking the miles down on the odometer, and though I was getting pretty desperate. I was relatively sure I’d make it. Then traffic started to slow. I crept along for about another half mile, then everything came to a dead stop, right in front of a sign which said, “rest area 1 mile” so close, yet so far. There I sat, in one of the middle lanes of a 4 lane interstate, surrounded by vehicles on all sides. To make things worse, there were jersey walls along this stretch of the highway, so I couldn’t just slip into the woods or something to drop my pants and shit. If it was just that I had to piss, I could have used my travel mug or something. I did need that too, but my most pressing problem was on the flip side from the pee area. How does one take a shit in a car, in the middle of a colossal traffic jam. One answer was (and the only one I could think of) was to shit in ones pants, but I wasn’t quite ready to do that. After all, grownups don’t shit in their pants. I sat there, pushing my bottom against the car seat, and squeezing my butt together in an effort to not crap my pants. Each second seemed like minutes, and each minute seemed an eternity. Half an hour passed, and I was involuntarily passing gas every minute or so. I could feel a massive shit trying to open my anal gate and exit into my pants. I squeezed my butt cheeks together even harder. All I could think of was, grownups don’t shit in their pants. I was sweating from my efforts to hold on, and from the nearly 90 degree September heat, when I started to lose my battle. In spite of my best efforts my sphincter was giving in and I was starting to shit right there. I could feel the soft mushy poop coming out into my pants. I lifted off the seat, and my pants were immediately filled with mushy shit. Now what? I couldn’t brace and hold my bottom up from the seat forever. Even if I wanted to get out and expose myself to hundreds if not thousands of people as I tried to clean out my pants, I couldn’t do it without sitting down in a huge load of shit in my pants. Finally I decided, I’d just sit there and wait until traffic started to move. I eased down. It went everywhere as I eased my weight(200+pounds) onto the load in my pants. Shit spread everywhere, I could feel it nearly up to the elastic at the waist of my Fruit of The Loom briefs, and it had definitely spread past the leg openings into my jeans. There I sat in my own shit as I waited for traffic to move. Another hour passed before traffic again started to move. Each movement caused more shit to be forced out into my jeans. I looked longingly at the rest area entrance as I approached it, but it was way to late, and I was too much of a mess to think about going inside to clean up. Besides, I didn’t have a change of clothing with me. I kept going, even though I now needed to pee really bad too. It took another two hours to get home, and I pissed myself too, long before then. When I got out at home, I felt shit slide down my leg as I walked to the house. Fortunately, my daughter was over at her friend’s house, so I was alone, and I didn’t see anyone close enough to tell that I’d shit in my pants. I went straight to the bathroom to clean up. Thank god for a hand held shower, it made the clean up a bit easier. I just threw my underpants and jeans in the trash bin, because I felt that both were beyond salvaging. I was able to wash my shirt, even though it too had shit on the lower part where it had made it up past the waist of my underwear. I guess grownups do shit in their pants sometimes.

I was heading to the mall one day to make a quick stop at JCPenney when for whatever reason my mother decided she wanted to come along. The whole time she would not stop complaining. She kept swearing and saying “shit” constantly….now I know why. At one point she got mad at me and yelled so hard that she shit her pants. Now this wasn’t your ordinary anal burp that you thought to be a fart. This was like a damn fire hose in the back of her pants spraying a putrid brown liquid. She rushed into the bathroom clutching her ass, which was obviously wet and not hard to miss for anyone who cared to look. When she came out, her pants were soaking wet. Obviously, I couldn’t very well go into the ladies room but I have significant doubts to her story. She claims that she was able towash them in the sink and clean herself because no one was in the restroom BUT, I seem to recall three horrified people coming out of the bathroom a few seconds after she went in and no one else dared go in.

Late one summer night I was at a store buying a drink when this woman ran in all crazy and sweaty. When she got the clerks attention she asked if she could use the restroom. The clerk replied that the restroom was not for the public and he was sorry for any inconvience.(Not nearly as sorry as he was going to be) After the clerk’s response the women replied where the hell do you want me to go….then she answered her own question. After verbally assaulting the clerk the women shit in her blue jeans right there in front of the counter. Excrement ran down her legs like a waterfall and puddled up on her Chuck Taylors. After surveying the mess the woman looked at the cashier and said “See what you made me do” then darted to her car and took off. The best part was another customer that was waiting in line asked the clerk for the restroom key with the ultimatum if he didn’t give him the key immediately he was going to do the same thing. Needless to say the clerk could not hand the key over fast enough.

Once when i was 11, i ate at sizzlers and was struck with a mean case of diarrhea. i thought i would be able to hold it because we were heading home but on the way my parents decided to pull in to kmart. Much to my dismay, they proceeded to wander the store for what felt like an eternity. After a good while, I considered the probability that I would not make it home and so i went looking for the bathroom. Once i found it, I was horrified to discover that they were all occupied. So i left and told my parents i had gone. We walked around for a bit more and then headed back to the car. My dad was just unlocking the doors when i realized that I had no time left, i needed to find a toilet bad. I made a mad dash to back into the store but on the way i could not hold it any longer and it came streaming down my legs, falling out of my shorts. By the time I actually sat down on a toilet i was done. Not fun explaining that one to my parents.