Category Archives: Assholery

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This afternoon after doing our tree-related volunteer work, we went to our favorite local brewery, Epic, for a couple beers. We brought some sliced strawberries, a coloring book, and crayons for Soren to keep him occupied.

He was reasonably loud as an almost-4-year-old is wont to be. Nobody around us seemed to be bothered by him.

At one point, I went up to the bar to get beer. When I got back to our table, Ben reported that a woman sitting near us took pictures of him and Soren while I was gone. Creepy and weird, I thought, but not really anything to worry about (as much as I wanted to in light of the recent catfishing of Soren that occurred).

When this woman and her male companion got up to leave a while later, she blatantly took more pictures of us. It was noticeable enough to freak me out. The guy went up to the bar to pay and she went over to where there are t-shirts and other merchandise available for purchase. Ben mentioned the earlier photo taking and I was irritated enough to aim my camera at her and shoot a picture when she turned around.

After that, she went outside very quickly. The guy was still at the bar. We were bothered that someone was taking pictures of us and so Ben went outside to ask her what was up. She said she was taking pictures to post on some website about douchebags and their screaming kids at bars.

Ben reported this to me and after we finished our beers we went outside and she was still there, by the wall, with her dude. I approached her with my camera out to get a picture of her face and of course she had her camera up, too, so I couldn’t get a shot of anything but a camera in front of her face.

Then she said something about “adult places” and I was all WTF crazy bitch. If you’re seriously this deeply offended by a boisterous preschooler at a brewery I think you have bigger problems than I can help you with. Then, as they were walking away, she blatantly picked her underwear out of her ass and I commented on how sexy that was. Then she mooned us.

No wait. Take a second to digest that. She mooned us. She pulled down her pants and bent over and made us look at her flat, doughy ass. She made my child look at her ass. Because that’s way less offensive than having a somewhat loud child at a brewery. Oh wait no it isn’t.

Then, as they were pulling away in their car, she said that our child is going to grow up to be a stripper.

No seriously.

I don’t even know what is wrong with a person who would say something like that. Seriously. Our child is going to grow up to be a stripper? He’s not even 4 yet. You’re an asshole.

As this was going on, Ben was all, “He’s a boy!” because it’s kind of funny that you would say that a boy child is going to grow up to be a stripper, because you wouldn’t actually say that, because it wouldn’t be an insult to a boy. So it’s kind of like the laugh is on you because you’re making an insult that doesn’t even make sense.

But that’s not as disturbing as taking unauthorized pictures of my child and my family in public to post on a website without our consent — especially after some other dude just jacked pictures of my kid to use to pretend my kid is his kid. Like, fuck you, you don’t get to post pictures of my kid on the internet.

So anyway, I didn’t get many pictures of this woman and I didn’t get any pictures of her ass (not that I wanted them but I wouldn’t mind being able to unequivocally prove the mooning incident), but here are the ones I got.

I think her male companion especially enjoyed when I mentioned that I was taking a picture of his license plate so I could find them and sue them after they post pictures of my kid on the internet. I don’t know if I can sue them for this, but I’ll find out soon. At the very least, if I find this website (if it exists and it’s not just a tiny notebook in which she logs all the injustices life flings at her) it’s getting taken the hell down.

Hey! Photos here are screwed up! Today I found out that someone was passing off my photos of Soren as his own (his own photos and his own child).

I locked down my Flickr account and then went back and tried to make all non-Soren photos public. The problem is that process changed the links to the photos, so even the public photos aren’t showing up here.

Soon I’ll do one of three things: (1) fix it; (2) decide I don’t care and leave it; or (3) quit blogging because why does this even matter.

A few weeks ago, someone I was sort-of friends with in college (I remember watching The Brave Little Toaster at her cool place above Bruegger’s a few times) added me as a friend on Facebook. I was all okay, cool, and accepted. The one thing I like about Facebook is that it allows me to, if I feel like it, keep up with what people from my past I don’t care about enough to email are doing without actually having to interact with them. (Wait, I’m being uncharitable. I also like that it allows me to easily schedule social events without having to touch a telephone.)

So okay cool, we’re Facebook friends. Only then I see that she posts updates all the time and they’re all about Irish dance and libertarian politics. I’m trying to think of two things in the world I care less about than Irish dance and libertarian politics. Trying. Still trying. Giving up now. There are no things I care less about than Irish dance and libertarian politics.

Then today she posted something, and damn I wish I’d copied and pasted it because it was so great. It was something like this:

I’m going to be using Facebook primarily for my business. If I unfriend you here it’s because you haven’t liked my business page. We can always keep in touch by email.

Her business is a small Irish dance school located 1,000 miles away from where I live.

I generally don’t unfriend people on Facebook. I don’t know why. If you annoy me, I’ll hide your updates and forget you exist, but chances are I won’t unfriend you. And I’m still smarting from the time the most boring person in the entire universe — whose updates I kept hidden because they were all “I’m at Walmart!” and “I love my husband!” and “My kids are great!” and “No fucking duh!” — had the gall to unfriend me. I haven’t unfriended anyone on Facebook since the mail carrier I didn’t even know in real life who posted something about how Barack Obama’s birth certificate was signed by Dr. Al Qaeda and why was I even friends with this person in the first place.

But damn if I didn’t unfriend this “like my irrelevant business or I’m gonna unfriend you” hooch. I mean, what? Was I supposed to wait for her to unfriend me because I didn’t like her business? Why did she friend me in the first place? It would be one thing if she friended me because she wanted to see how hot and awesome I am now, but obviously she’s just looking for bodies to like her stupid business that chances are is not relevant to their interests or locations.

The other thing I don’t get is a libertarian engaging in this sort of behavior. As a hippie liberal, I’m no libertarian scholar or anything, but even Wikipedia tells me that libertarianism is based on concepts like “voluntary associations of free individuals” and “protecting individuals from coercion and violence.” Dude, if your little dancey dance business is worthy of liking, free individuals will voluntarily like it. They should be free from coercion when doing so. Damn, girl. The political party you openly support advocates “a world in which all individuals are sovereign over their own lives and no one is forced to sacrifice his or her values for the benefit of others.” Don’t ask me to sacrifice my values, which include but are not limited to not liking your stupid business on Facebook, for the benefit of you.

Clearly, seeing her frequent libertarian propaganda posts was causing resentment to build, something I didn’t even notice until she pulled this like-my-stupid-business shit. If I weren’t already seething to some extent, I wouldn’t be writing this whole bitchy post now.

Maybe I need to be more proactive about unfriending and unfollowing people who annoy me. What’s the point of being annoyed on the internet and why do I insist on doing it?

I don’t usually write about political stuff here, but the latest development in Denver has me so steaming mad I have to today. First of all, the civil unions bill was killed last night, which is gross. But what I want to talk about now is the fact that Denver pretty much made homeless people illegal.

I apologize in advance for how long this is going to be. In an effort to keep things as short as possible, here are some links where you can get more information about what’s going on, including a link to a pdf of the draft ordinance:

Sec. 38-86.1. – Unauthorized camping on public or private property prohibited.
(a) It shall be unlawful for any person to camp upon any private property without the express written consent of the property owner or the owner’s agent, and only in such locations where camping may be conducted in accordance with any other applicable city law.
(b) It shall be unlawful for any person to camp upon any public property except in any location where camping has been expressly allowed by the officer or agency having the control, management and supervision of the public property in question.
(c) No law enforcement officer shall issue a citation, make an arrest or otherwise enforce this section against any person unless:
(1) The officer orally requests or orders the person to refrain from the alleged violation of this section and, if the person fails to comply after receiving the oral request or order, the officer tenders a written request or order to the person warning that if the person fails to comply the person may be cited or arrested for a violation of this section; and
(2) The officer attempts to ascertain whether the person is in need of medical or human services assistance, including but not limited to mental health treatment, drug or alcohol rehabilitation, or homeless services assistance. If the officer determines that the person may be in need of medical or human services assistance, the officer shall make reasonable efforts to contact and obtain the assistance of a designated human service outreach worker, who in turn shall assess the needs of the person and, if warranted, direct the person to an appropriate provider of medical or human services assistance in lieu of the person being cited or arrested for a violation of this section. If the officer is unable to obtain the assistance of a human services outreach worker, if the human services outreach worker determines that the person is not in need of medical or human services assistance, or if the person refuses to cooperate with the direction of the human services outreach worker, the officer may proceed to cite or arrest the person for a violation of this section so long as the warnings required by paragraph (1) of this subsection have been previously given.
(d) For purposes of this section:
(1) “Camp” means to reside or dwell temporarily in a place, with shelter, and conduct activities of daily living such as eating, sleeping or the storage of personal possessions in such place. The term “shelter” includes, without limitation, any tent, tarpaulin, lean-to, sleeping bag, bedroll, blankets, or any form of cover or protection from the elements other than clothing.
(2) “Designated human service outreach worker” shall mean any person designated in writing by the manager of the Denver Department of Human Services to assist law enforcement officers as provided in subsection (c), regardless of whether the person is an employee of the department of human services.
(3) “Public property” means, by way of illustration, any street, alley, sidewalk, pedestrian or transit mall, bike path, greenway, or any other structure or area encompassed within the public right-of-way; any park, parkway, mountain park, or other recreation facility; or any other grounds, buildings, or other facilities owned or leased by the City or by any other public owner, regardless of whether such public property is vacant or occupied and actively used for any public purpose.

My main problem here is that the law, as it currently stands (with no additional resources added to the Denver community as a result of the law) does nothing to solve the problem of homelessness. It just says Denver doesn’t want to deal with homeless people other than to allow for their arrest if the police feel like it.

A Hypothetical

The law is also, if I can be blunt (and I can), a stupid law. Let’s say a police officer finds a homeless guy (we’ll call him Ralph) sleeping on the 16th Street Mall at 2:00 a.m. Here’s what the ordinance says should happen. First, the officer orally tells Ralph to stop being homeless on the 16th Street Mall. I suppose Ralph could comply in one of two ways — he could magically obtain a home on the spot, or he could leave the 16th Street Mall and go be homeless somewhere else. Option 1 is impossible and option 2 doesn’t solve the problem because Ralph is still homeless. If he fails to comply, the officer gives him something in writing telling him that if he fails to comply, he may be cited or arrested. This is great because we totally need to use more paper, and if someone didn’t magically obtain a home on the spot or go be homeless somewhere else when verbally requested to do so, I’m sure receiving the same request in written form will make all the difference.

Then the real fun begins. The officer gets to “attempt[] to ascertain whether the person is in need of medical or human services assistance, including but not limited to mental health treatment, drug or alcohol rehabilitation, or homeless services assistance.” Before continuing with our hypothetical, I have some questions. Why does the officer just have to attempt? Shouldn’t she have to actually ascertain? What standards does she use when attempting to ascertain whether Ralph needs medical or human services assistance? Why doesn’t the ordinance provide these standards? Will there be standards (If so, who makes them?), or does an officer just get to use her own judgment? By the way, I hope serious crimes aren’t happening while this attempt to ascertain business is going on, because this ordinance doesn’t provide extra funding to the police to help with the extra work they’re going to have.

So, let’s say the officer determines that Ralph may be in need of human services assistance. Now she “shall make reasonable efforts to contact and obtain the assistance of a designated human service outreach worker.” What are reasonable efforts? Assuming she, through reasonable efforts, contacts a designated human service outreach worker, that worker “shall assess the needs of the person and, if warranted, direct the person to an appropriate provider of medical or human services assistance in lieu of the person being cited or arrested for a violation of this section.” How, exactly, does that work? Let’s call our designated human service outreach worker Bob, because that’s fewer letters. Does Bob make this assessment based only on what the officer tells him? Does the cop say, hey, Ralph, come use my phone so you can talk to Bob so Bob can assess your needs? Does the cop take Ralph to wherever Bob works so Ralph can stand in line with all the other homeless people who have been rounded up that night? How much time does this take? If Bob determines that Ralph needs human service assistance and directs him to an appropriate provider of human service assistance, does Ralph have to go right then even though the provider probably isn’t open in the middle of the night? While waiting at the door, will Ralph be approached by police and told to stop being homeless again, or does Ralph get a free pass for the rest of that night?

Now, let’s say our officer is unable to obtain the assistance of Bob or any other human service outreach workers. (How many human service outreach workers are working in the middle of the night in Denver every day? I assume [just kidding, I don’t really] there are several, because this ordinance does not provide for additional human service outreach workers.) Let’s say Bob is in the bathroom and doesn’t answer his phone, and any other human service outreach workers are busy with other homeless people. In that case, the officer is free to arrest Ralph. Yay, Ralph goes to jail. This is great because Denver is rolling in extra tax dollars and jail space. If Bob determines that Ralph is not in need of medical or human service assistance, or Ralph refuses to cooperate with what Bob tells him to do, Ralph can be arrested. This is great for the reasons listed above.

I think it’s fair to interpret this ordinance as making homeless people illegal in Denver (compliance requires one to stop being homeless or leave the city or, I suppose if you want to get technical, sleeping outside with no shelter other than the clothes you’re wearing and no possessions you couldn’t store on your body, which would be dangerous in the winter and pretty much impossible), which I think is completely disgusting. I also think it’s unfair to require homeless people to sleep in shelters. And it’s ridiculous to have this law on the books while there is not nearly enough shelter space for the homeless people of Denver and there are not nearly enough resources to deal with homelessness. The right way to do things would’ve been to set up the resources and then, if necessary, start talking about making a law.

Support for the Anti-Homeless Law

As a side note, every comment I’ve seen on the internet that’s in favor of the law has been something like this:

I own a business and sometimes homeless people sleep by it. (This is especially rich coming from restaurant owners who opened restaurants in areas where many homeless people have been sleeping for years.) This makes me and my customers uncomfortable.

I see homeless people on the street. Sometimes they talk to me and ask me for money. This makes me uncomfortable.

Holy crap. You know what I do when a homeless person asks me for money? I generally decline to give him or her any money because I don’t have any. Then I go on my way. If it’s an especially egregious interaction, I might complain to Ben when I get home or write a blog post bitching about it. Because here’s the thing. Unlike the people who support this law because homeless people make them uncomfortable, I don’t believe I’m entitled to live in a world where nothing ever makes me feel uncomfortable. Hell, if I got to make things that make me uncomfortable declared illegal, people who support this ordinance would be illegal.

Let’s Talk About Albus Brooks

Here’s a fun (to me) tangent. To try to get an understanding of where he was coming from when drafting and sponsoring this ordinance, I spent some time on my City Councilman Albus Brooks’s Facebook page. I ended up becoming even more disgusted. The most recent post was this:

Tonight was not about winners or losers, it was about beginning a long process of providing smart services to individuals that need it the most. Time and patient application, not rhetoric, will reveal the true nature of this ordinance. Now it’s time to begin working on securing support for the next step-a 24 hour resource center.

I have so many questions. Shouldn’t the true nature of this ordinance have been revealed before it was passed? Shouldn’t Albus Brooks have begun working on securing support for the next step, a 24-hour resource center, before working to get this law passed? Shouldn’t he maybe have not only secured support but also built/established this center before working to get this law passed?

Here’s an exchange from the comments under the above entry:

Rachel: When I spoke at East High the day after you did, a girl said that you made the bill seem like a “bowl full of cherries” and she was dead on. Sketchy politicking, a lack of knowledge about the population this will affect, and a lack of humility in really listening to those who work with them. Bringing diverse communities together? When you have folks like Charlie Brown backing you on issues such as this, you know you have lost your roots.

Albus: Rachel, that was one girl, how about the whole class. You only get half the story, your view is flawed. To be apart of transformation you need to see the whole picture. Sad that we can’t work together because of pride. Smh

First of all, it’s a part. Second, I have more questions. Why does he think she only has half the story? Why hasn’t he told the other half? Why does he assume her view is flawed because she disagrees with him? How does Albus Brooks expect anyone to see the whole picture when he doesn’t even seem to know what it is? To what pride is he referring? How did he determine that they can’t work together? It sounds to me like he’s making a personal attack on Rachel. Also, I can’t take you seriously if you use “Smh” in a professional capacity. But hey, because Albus Brooks thinks personal attacks are cool, I think Albus Brooks is a dismissive, patronizing, smug elitist who doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Scrolling through earlier entries on his Facebook page (which he lists on Twitter as his website, so I assume it functions as an official site), I discovered that when people left respectful comments that are critical of what was then the proposed law, he gave responses like this (extra assholery bolded):

I am disappointed you did not call our office and seek to understand what was being offered before you jump to conclusions. 1. When this bill is released it will be accompanied with 300-350 bed(please call me so I can give you detail…s 7203378888) 2. New services to the top 200 district court offenders ( which are all homeless) 3. We are currently in talks with the Mayors office to develop a 24 hr shelter through a public private partnership run by a non profit the first 24 hour resource center for homeless in this city. Lastly, I had businesses support me, but a GROUNDSWELL of D8 community support, would be happy to show you :).
_______I am surprised at you, I thought you would at least call or email me to find out the facts before you jump to conclusions like everyone else.First i want to know what are you doing as an engaged residents is doing to get people off of the streets? It will take a the community but the community has not been engaged in what is actually going on there are only few advocates actually working on solutions and MANY naysayers throwing daggers. This is what I am doing with this bill 1. We opened up a church in our district house women who are homeless nightly 2. Waivers to increase shelter space in two specific shelters. 3. Working in conjunction with the Mayors office to develop a 24 hour resource center for homeless individuals.

The way he responds to concerned citizens is completely unacceptable. It’s not their job to call his office to hear his explanation. It’s his job to get his explanation out there. He sounds defensive and, frankly, a little creepy. The smiley face doesn’t help. His plans are vague and there is no evidence that any actual work has been completed. Where are the 300-350 beds (I added that “s” for him)? What are the new services to the top 200 offenders? Being “currently in talks” means nothing has actually happened. Having the support of businesses and a GROUNDSWELL of D8 community support does not negate the fact that some people disagree with this law or do anything to substantively address the issues. Some of the people who oppose this law, like me, live in D8. Also, asking a concerned citizen what he’s doing to get people off the streets is unacceptable and makes Albus Brooks look defensive. It also makes me think that if I ever contact Albus Brooks with a concern, he’ll just ask me what I’ve done to solve the problem, which is not really what I’m looking for from my Councilman. If the community has not been engaged, why hasn’t he been trying to get them engaged?

Finally, I respectfully suggest that he hire a professional editor.

I considered sending my concerns to Albus Brooks directly, but I don’t see the point of giving him the chance to say that he’s disappointed in me for forming an opinion based on the information he’s put out there or to virtually shake his head at me. Albus, you’re welcome to contact me should you like to discuss my concerns further.

All that said, maybe there is good news for the homeless people of Denver. I’m working on finding out his address (as you may have guessed, he did not return to the thread to post it) so I can let everyone know they’re invited to stay at Albus Brooks’s place.

I generally refrain from discussing pretty much anything related to my job here. Today, I will make an exception.

As a result of working for a publication, I receive countless press releases. I have never asked to receive press releases and have engaged in no conduct likely to result in receiving press releases. I’ve never had any interest in any press release I have received. In fact, the press releases I receive are so far from being relevant to what I do it’s almost laughable, or it would be laughable if it didn’t indicate the tragic condition of our society today wherein individuals and businesses pay good money to PR jackasses to spam people all over the internet with their irrelevant, self-promotional bullshit.

Some people who send press releases become so brazen in their conduct that they send press releases covering shit I don’t care about every day. Look. I don’t care if you’re my significant other or my mom. I don’t want to receive email from anybody that often. Who on these world wide webs thinks that shit is a good idea?

I’ve never figured out how to stop the press releases. I set up a rule or whatever it is you do in Outlook (we are plagued with PCs at work) that makes any incoming mail containing the phrase “press release” go into a folder called “crap.” (I also have a folder called “shit,” but that’s a subject for another day.) This is good because I don’t have to see them until I go to the folder called “crap” for the purpose of deleting press releases and emails about the office Powerball endeavor, which, in my opinion, is just about the worst idea ever because one day maybe they’ll win that shit and the person in charge will abscond with the winnings and what are you going to do then.

The press-release senders keep getting more innovative, if by “innovative” I mean that now they sometimes don’t admit that what they’re sending is a press release, which keeps it from getting caught in my filter. These sit around in my inbox and then I delete them. In the terrible cases where I receive the same crap from the same people every day (a recent offender of this ilk sends messages in Portuguese), my heart fills with cold, black hatred and eventually I visit the website of our spam prevention people and add the sending email address to my block list. Sometimes this solves the problem. Sometimes the spammers or some dude who calls himself Psycho Cowboy just get a new email address and start sending their shit all over again.

Press releases. Ignoring them doesn’t work because their mere presence in my inbox fills me with rage. Blocking them sometimes works but isn’t reliable. I don’t want to respond asking to be removed from their list (Don’t press release me, bro!) because that never works and just confirms that I’m a real person who hates being bothered so chances are they’ll bother me even more. What would be a more effective way to fight the press releases?

Maybe it’s time to resort to clichés. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Fight fire with fire. Tit for tat. You send me a stupid-ass press release I don’t want and didn’t request and I’ll send you one right back. Take that!

Here is my first installment, complete with as much PR-bullshit-speak as I can wrangle.

*******

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE (as you might have guessed from the fact that it’s been released)

Contact: Me

fuckyou@youobnoxiousspammyasshole.com

Breaking: Editor Hates You and Your Stupid Fucking Press Releases

Denver, CO – July 26, 2011 – Before you invest time and money sending press releases to people who have no interest in what you’re trying to promote, what you’re doing, what you have to say about it, or in fact anything about your sorry existence, check with your conscience, assuming it exists, and just stop the madness. Tracy can not only tell you that you suck but also that whatever you’re doing is a worthless waste of time, based on a detailed assholery review.

No newcomer to receiving unwanted and unsolicited press releases from people who clearly have no idea what she actually does and have never even picked up the publication for which she works, Tracy is a market leader and community builder with outside-the-box skills and 15 years of experience. Presented orally, as a written report, or in a PowerPoint presentation of doom and utter boredom, her game-changing in-depth analysis can save you hours of preparation and thousands of dollars. Stepping up to the plate to take social media expertise to a new level, she is prepared to step in at the last minute when you’re about to hit send, unleashing paragraphs of bullshit on innocent, unsuspecting people unfortunate enough to have publicly accessible email addresses. A matchless operator who is equally comfortable around the cream of the crop and shady underworld figures, her talents and skills are truly unique.

According to Tracy, “The question I get most often is, ‘Is it spammy bullshit?’ My job is to sort out the bad press releases due to occurrences that fall outside the internet standard of care and decency, which, frankly, is all of them including yours. The question of whether a press release involves a high level of bullshit is one that looms over every person working in PR. If answered correctly (yes), it can save both you and the unwitting public on which you wish to unleash your torrent of unnecessary and meaningless words from mental anguish and time wasted hitting the delete button.”

Tracy serves on the staff of a major U.S. publication affiliated with a top-rated organization that provides vague but groundbreaking services to the industry. She sits on state boards as an expert reviewer and expert witness in spamology, as well as numerous park benches. She has written cutting-edge books, book chapters, and numerous scientific and editorial papers, as well as articles in the legal-spam literature, received honors and awards in spam-avoidance teaching and scholarship, and has 18 years of academic experience ranging from Post Spam Press Release Care Unit Director and Outpatient Spam Recovery Services to her current position as Clinical Associate Professor of Complete and Utter Bullshit. She has leveraged core competencies and worked for multinational corporations and once ghostwrote a groundbreaking book for an unnamed and mysterious celebrity, a fact you will never be able to prove or disprove. She has appeared on CNBC but had a touch of the crazy eye that day and, as a result, you won’t find it on YouTube.

Accessibility is a unique and important aspect of Tracy’s services. Her vast expertise in bullshit detection, modification, and remediation is available at any time unless your email goes into the spam folder, in which case it sucks to be you. She does not work on a contingency fee basis. Your initial telephone consultation is $500. Side effects may vary.

For more information: Go away.

HBP is the world’s fastest-growing platform for social change — growing by more than 400,000 new members who never actually signed up for this shit every month, and empowering millions of people to start, join, and win campaigns for social change in their community, city, and country, whether they want to or not. Look for us on the 16th Street Mall, holding a clipboard and trying to talk to you to obnoxiously promote our smug agenda for an hour in the stifling heat while you have better things to do.

Look. I never signed up for Klout but somehow, there I was on the site with my score and a “score analysis” and a list of people I influence (which um, hi, I don’t even influence my dogs, so whatever that’s dumb).

Here’s the thing. I’m a raging hippie (that doesn’t make sense) and I hate shit like this. I hate scores and honestly, if you’re the kind of person who goes around talking about how you have Klout (sadly, these people exist), I’d kind of like to punch you in the face. While we’re at it, I hate websites with their lists of top blogs and the like. First of all, the blogs listed on lists of top blogs are never very good and, anyway, who in the hell who isn’t in, like, middle school gives a shit about this crap? It’s all babble and bullshit if you ask me.

I also hate Klout because it makes people spam my Twitter feed. I’m always seeing shit about how somebody gave someone +K about being a spammy asshole on the internet or whatever. Today, there were like 900 tweets about some stupid Spotify shit, which you can access if you have Klout (which, as I soon will reveal, you have if you have a public Twitter account).

Because I was on Klout against my will, I ended up linking my Twitter account so I could at least exert some control over what information about me was presented on the site. I thought maybe I could just delete my Klout profile and be done with it. Well, no. If you have a public Twitter account, you’re going to be on Klout, your desire to not be on Klout be damned. I don’t want to make my Twitter private and deprive my legions of fans who don’t actually follow me of the awesome things I say about an under-appreciated baseball team when I’m drunk, so that’s not a good option.

So. What do you do when you have a profile you don’t want on a website you think is dumb and you can’t delete it? If you’re me, you try to get banned.

How do you get banned from Klout? I have no idea. I googled it and came up with this, which is hilarious and illustrates the complete stupidity of Klout but doesn’t actually tell you how to get banned.

So, I figure I’ll start with the basics and do what I do best — using terrible, inappropriate language. You can see the result on my stupid-ass Klout page, which I can only hope is currently updating my True Assholery number. I’ll let you know how this goes. In the meantime, if you want to give me +K on “being an asshole on the internet,” I’ll take it.

Update: In a new effort to get my account deleted, I searched Klout help and found this:

If you would like to delete your registration, please email contact@klout.com and we will process your request within 5 business days. All personal information that you submitted to Klout during registration will be completely deleted from our database within 30 days.

I emailed and I’ll let you know what happens!

Update: Some person named Lan “deleted my Klout account” for me. All this means is that it appears that I never signed up for Klout. Unfortunately, as a result, my “Fucking shit Klout is dumb” name and position as Brand Ambassador of Your Ass no longer appear when you view my profile. My picture and Klout score are still on the site, against my will I might add. Clearly, Lan and I have a different understanding about what “delete” means.

Fucking shit Klout is dumb.

Update: As of November 1, 2011, you can delete your Klout profile. (You can see a screenshot of the page here.) If you don’t have an active Klout account, to access the “opt out” page you have to sign into Klout with Twitter. Then go to profile settings. It appears to work — I just tried it and my profile seems to no longer exist. Sweet!

Nothing makes my day like people talking shit about me on the internet. Here’s the latest, from a message board:

Just found a story about some bitch who took it upon herself to check out my neighborhood. Dumb bitch went to the most dangerous park and then had the nerve to complain that unsavory characters were shooting craps and looking at her while she was pushing her baby in a swing. This is what pisses me off about gentrification. Those fuckers come to our neighborhood, and then act like we shouldn’t be there. The park is basically the backyard to some projects, so um…what the fuck was she expecting? Three hours after she left, someone was shot in that same park. You don’t go the fucking Cage and play swing-a-baby like it’s the fucking suburbs. Just like when they took away the football field and turned it into a fucking dog park, and then had the nerve to be pissed about the Crip party there a couple of months ago. The fucking liquor store is gone, fuckers are jogging up and down our street like it’s disneyland and we now have a noise ordinance. I’m glad I moved recently, but I’m praying that our old house gets rented out to a crackhead just to piss them off.

My favorite parts are in bold. There’s nothing I love more than Crip parties at the dog park (Why weren’t my dogs invited?) and running around like it’s Disneyland, whatever the hell that means. This neighborhood is way more awesome than I realized!

The best of all is that this person doesn’t even live in the neighborhood any more. Those of us who actually live here will miss you, your stellar reading comprehension skills, and your paranoia about white urban hippies with babies. We’re all totally out to get you. Stroller Disciples forever!

The Guillen family just got screwed over or fucked… but dont worry we have our own way of handling this

My dad just said I belong on sesame street

Dinner for the anniversary time to get drunk and talk about everyone that’s doing Guillens wrong lookout

I just farted and I cleared the house

What’s worst the mexican mariachis? How fucking annoying wow

Great workout today everything was really smooth….why does joey cora insist on working out while wearing what seems to be a latex body sut

I m not only going to kick your ass, but I will give you a hug after

He’s honest, blunt, and hilarious. These are the kinds of tweets I like to read. I like to hear what people really think, rather some over-sanitized PR shit masquerading as substance. In a world where, more and more often, people are afraid to say anything that matters, the kind of stuff Oney posts is refreshing and just plain awesome.

Oney used to work for the White Sox doing video/scouting stuff. Until yesterday when, as Joe Cowley put it, he got “called into the principal’s office because of his Twitter account.” Sox GM Ken Williams, who has been less than thrilled about anyone associated with the team using Twitter, wanted Oney to stop tweeting or tone it down. Oney said (well, I don’t know what he said because I wasn’t there, so I’m just guessing) something like, fuck no, bitches, and resigned. He continues to tweet.

I like face to face conversation or man to man way better than behind your back.

What I hate is people talking about me. Making a big deal. Taking away from how good the Sox can be

Bruce levine is wrong again. About what he wrote on espn.com. Get ur fact straigh buddy I like u. All false his comments

Why do people give a shit about me. I’m not famous at all. Its not important or relevant

Well, people give a shit about you now because you just showed your cojones to the entire internet. You’ve become important and relevant because, when your bosses told you to shut up, you said “no.” That’s pretty bad ass, if you ask me. Talking shit on Twitter isn’t the most important work in the world or anything, but I appreciate someone standing up for himself like this. As someone who likes to talk shit on Twitter and the internet in general, I appreciate you fighting the good fight like this. (Seriously.)

I’m starting to realize that there are two types of people on the internet: (1) those who want to say what they want to say, everybody else’s opinions be damned; and (2) those who want nothing but safe, complimentary asskissery.

I’ve always believed in saying what I think (on the internet and in life) and I like other people who feel the same way and act accordingly. I believe in people saying what they think about me, too — I’d rather have 100 people call me an asshole than 10 people compliment me and suck up when I don’t deserve it or because they want something from me or from being associated with me. And I strongly believe that, if you can’t handle other people’s real, honest thoughts and opinions, you shouldn’t even be on the internet, because the internet doesn’t exist to feed your ego or your agenda.

According to an article I read online somewhere, the modus operandi of some local burglars involves pounding on doors and then breaking a window to get in the house if nobody answers. If somebody does answer, they’ll pretend to be looking for work or donations for some bogus charity. (Note: when I was in college, I had a quasi-boyfriend who worked for one of those left-wing charitable organizations where they actually go door-to-door looking for donations, but then he quit and still went door-to-door looking for donations — classy!)

I’m going to assume that this is what happened before some dude broke a window; climbed over the kitchen sink; went through almost every one of my drawers; threw most of my clothes and lots of random crap all over the floor; terrified the hell out of four of five cats (the elderly deaf one was unfazed); filled his pockets (I assume) with earrings and rings (he cleaned me out of gold earrings, including a pair that was my grandmother’s, and took several rings, but somehow left the really good stuff); disconnected and lovingly wrapped our flatscreen LCD TV in a blanket and set it by the back gate; and filled a Vera Bradley (in Nantucket Red, which is the hot pattern for all the felons these days) with my laptop, assorted cords (including the charging base for a Palm Pilot I used almost 10 years ago), a couple cameras, an old cell phone, an empty iPod Shuffle case, the TV manual (but not the remote), a combination lock with no combination (I don’t even know what it is), and a neatly folded Jon Garland Chicago White Sox t-shirt.

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