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Oct 10 Amazon Roulette of Horror - October 10th - Demons at the Door

Holy crap, where do I even start with this one. At best, this is the final project of a really talented 15 year old in a film class. Except it’s not. Because some adult sat down with an idea for this movie and wrote it. Someone financed it. A graduate of The American Academy of Dramatic Arts starred in it. And it is poop. Hot, steamy, poop. When I was watching it I kept rolling my eyes because it was trying so hard to be funny. It was as if it knew what it was and had the hopes that it would become a “so bad it’s good”, Plan 9 From Outer Space type movie. But it was just terrible. The acting was atrocious and over the top. I feel like the lead actor was big in his community theatre circle and got too much praise from his grandmother. Just because Nana thought you were great as Benvolio in Romeo & Juliet, didn’t mean you should have tried to make it big in Hollywood. Luckily for all of us, this actor only made two movies in 2004.

Did I mention that Insane Clown Posse was all over this soundtrack. Even on the cover of the film on Amazon, it mentions that this movie features songs by Insane Clown Posse! As is somehow, I was on the fence about watching this movie, but oh, what’s this? Insane Clown Posse? Sign me the fuck up! Good Lord… I haven’t even talked about the plot yet.

OK, here we go. A group of scientist and military guys are at a dig site somewhere in the “Middle East” They uncovered the Wall of Tartaurs, a.k.a. the door to Hell. After a terrorist tries and fails to kill the American infidels (side note, this is the first of many times the female lead in the movie is almost raped) his bomb instead blows the wall open and a very built dude emerges along with shitty graphics of shiny things. Big Man Muscles is actual an angel named Uriel that keeps the demons of Hell at bay. Now with the door wide open, he explains what is going on to everyone and then leaves. So it is up to the two Army guys and the two scientist to fight off the demons and keep the Earth safe from Satan. It gets uncovered that the scientist knew that this was the door to Hell and they are in possession of an amulet called The Eye of Satan. If it falls into the hands of Beelzebub, evil shall reign forever! There a demon that communicates with the Army guys via the video monitoring system they have set up around the base. It taunts them, threatens to rape the woman, hurts their ears with the sound of it’s laughter (I’m not kidding) and assures them that their suffering will be legendary. Then the demons break in and we meet the racist demon that MMA style fights the Army guys and there is the tentacle demon that tries to rape the woman (3rd time for those keeping score) in the shower. But she ends up killing that demon. With a chainsaw. In the shower.

And with the chainsaw comes a huge revelation. This movie keeps ripping off the Evil Dead series. Some of the scenes are almost identical. It is laughable. But not really because this movie isn’t funny. Well, it is funny in the way that you laugh AT it and not WITH it, ya know? Oh and that actor, the terrible actor, I bet because he has a large square chin, someone once told him that he kinda looks like Bruce Campbell. Oh God, it all makes sense now.

Because you do not ever need to watch this movie, I want to spoil the twist ending for you. But if you are a masochist and you want to watch it, read no further.

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So shitty lead actor Army guy decides to sacrifice himself and seal the door to H-E-double-hockey-sticks from the inside. He says that the nuns in school used to tell him he’d end up there, so why not just go there now on his own terms. (how does that even make sense?) So he blows up the door and walks around Hell, but somehow is not at all affected by the fire that is all around him. Oh this is a good time to mention how bad the green screen work is. While he is walking around the fires of Hell, half of his face disappears when he looks to the left! OK, sorry, back to the twist ending. He finally comes face to face with the Devil! The Devil turns out to be an evil, talking pug. Oh you read that right, a little dog is the Dark Prince of Hell. So with a little bit of dynamite, Lucifer is destroyed and Army man becomes the new ruler of Hell. He literally sits in a throne and drinks a beer. And that is how the movie ends.

Now that my viewing experience is over, I can look back on it and laugh. It is certainly not a “so bad it’s good” movie. It is a very, very bad movie, but now I know that when I ever feel sad, I can watch the trailer to this movie (you can find it on Youtube) and I’ll start to laugh. With the power of Christ compelling me, I give this movie 1 “topless chainsaw beheadings” out of 5.