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write a request

I am teaching how to write a request. I asked my students to write a request based on the following situation:
You have just moved into an apartment and the telephone in the apartment does not work. Write a message to the landlady asking her to have the phone fixed and giving a preference for the time when the phone service person can come and fix it.
I wrote a request and wanted to give students as an example. Could you help me check the request to make the language style friendly and polite? Thank you.

Sep. 23
Dear Mrs. XXX,
This morning I wanted to give a friend of mine a call, but found my mobile phone did not work. So I turned to the telephone in the Apt. After I dialed, there is no response. The plug is loose and it seems that the phone has been broken for some time. I have got six classes the whole day and have to contact my friend this evening. Could you please have the phone fixed this afternoon? Thank you.
Han Meimei

And if I wrote to my roommate, would the following language style and tone be proper?

09/23
Polly,
The telephone in our Apt. doesn’t work. Call the tele communication Co. to have it fixed. I'll be in this Saturday morning. Thanks.
Tiffany