I guess I'm just not macho enough myself, because when I see people who are scared, confused, anxious, I find it hard to summon up the hatred to just write them off as "arseholes". Is it great that people are too damaged or fragile to be able to do the right thing in difficult circumstances? No. But there's a difference between being unable to do the right thing and not wanting to do the right thing - and when the obstacle in question is mental rather than physical, no amount of self-help sergeant-majoring about "owning your shit" is going to suddenly make a person mentally strong and healthy when it's a problem that has probably been with them the whole of their lives. You, I'm sure, have owned so much of your shit that you've got no limitations left and exist in a world of pure supermen, where you always think clearly and act decisively, assuredly, bravely and with flawless wisdom on all occasions.

The rest of us arseholes, however, are only human.

FWIW, I think making this personal and putting words in my mouth (you're the one who brought up "arseholes") was absolutely the right decision here, particularly when your endgame was to berate us all for being bad at arguing and quick to insult you.

Salmoneus wrote:

But it does make me think I ought to stop coming here. My problem is, I have no emotional memory. Whatever people say or do, in a few hours I can't hold it against them. I remember that outside of the internet (even in large parts of the internet) there are people who aren't just driven by bigotry and close-mindedness, and who still converse like normal people; and I forget that coming here is like bashing my brains out against a brick wall of everyone's derision and contempt. [and that people here can say with a straight face that calling someone an arsehole isn't extreme for them at all - and the sad thing is, I can believe it]. But it wears you down, notch by notch.

I've said this here before but I'll say it as many times as I have to: I don't hold you in contempt. I'm glad you're here and I greatly enjoy most of what you post. You have a terrific analytical mind which you complement with your wit and erudition. But every now and then you respond like you did to my earlier post and then seem amazed when you get pushback. I know it's hard to break ingrained patterns (vide supra), but is there something we all can do to break this one?

***

ObVent: Remember that awful earache I had before? After more than two weeks, it finally went away!

And now it's back, in the other ear. Three days before I leave for a two-week vacation.

That was also what I was trying to add to the conversation: own your dysfunction. If you genuinely want to have a better relationship with someone, do what you need to do to get there.

I watched my father struggle with this all through adolescence. He was never close to his father, who was a quiet man who never shared much about himself. Granddaddy was also in the military (WWII) and never really talked about it. At some point, Dad realised his inability to connect with us emotionally was harming the relationships he wanted to have. This was apparent to him (and he started working on it) even before he and my mother divorced, but after that he redoubled his efforts.

We did not make it easy for him. At first his approach seemed really artificial (he was trying to put in practice what he'd read in books and learned in therapy) and we felt manipulated. It took me another decade to accept that he was coming from a genuine place, let go of my resentment, and start cultivating a close relationship with him (and even that took the urging of my partner at the time, who was estranged from his two sons).

Indeed. And my issue also is that it seems like, despite his talk about wanting a better relationship so long ago, he's not and actually hasn't been actually working towards that (as evidenced in part by the divorce). But it was nice that your father was able to realize that he was having problems and did decide to put in the legwork to fix them... I'm not seeing this with my father, though.

Starting from when I was 12 until right before I graduated from high school, he wasn't around much at all due to the military sending him hither and yon for whatever training the army wanted him to undergo. When he moved back to living with us full-time, though, it really felt like he was expecting things to go back to how they were, but my brother and I were far from the 12-year-olds he left before going to Korea. And it didn't seem like he wanted to get to really know the 17-year-olds he then had at home, and things just became more and more exacerbated after my brother and I left for university. There were some things we could connect through, such as fishing and target shooting, but this was all on quite a superficial level and he never really got to know us, it felt, apart from that.

Regardless, I don't know if things can change. I want them to, but there does have to be a willingness...

linguoboy wrote:

That sounds like a really good response.

Thanks. I'm just hoping it works and that he gets the point without overreacting...

Minor vent: I took my iPhone (5) in for a repair about a month ago. Turned out the battery was faulty, but, fortunately, I got a new-ish phone today (after about a month of runaround and waiting for a response from them)... and it turns out the phone doesn't work properly! (The home button won't respond at all, and that's not good for an iPhone.) And the fact that I just got the phone today is really what's upsetting. So time to head back tomorrow to the store and tell them that I want a functioning phone... Luxembourgish law fortunately is on my side here, since they have to guarantee their stuff against defects for a minimum of six months (even if used), but it's still really frustrating to have to go back to them again so soon.

Sal, as long as you don't see a problem with lecturing a person of Indian origin about British imperialism, you and I will never have a rational argument. It's really that simple. End of story.

mèþru wrote:

I'm seeing a therapist twice a week.

Good for you!

Quote:

My problem was that I knew material well but was terrible at getting work done and then not losing it.

I had that problem in elementary school a lot, especially the "not losing it" part (or forgetting to take it to school. Sometimes I'd also just forget to do a particular homework assignment).

For you, is this a problem specifically with AP classes, with classes in general, or what? Does your school give you planners or notebooks of some sort that you can use to help you keep track of what assignments you have to do? If not, have you tried getting (or considered trying to get) a notebook like that of your own and bringing it to school?

Quote:

I am both lazy and ADHD (inattentive type), but at the time I only knew the first half.

A lot of people say that they're lazy - I probably still say this myself sometimes - but some people at least argue that there isn't really any such thing as "laziness" per se and that there is something deeper to the problem that's characterized as such. (Regardless of whether that's actually true or not) when you say that you're "lazy," I'm curious as to what exactly you mean. What are some ways in which you see yourself as lazy?

Minor vent: I took my iPhone (5) in for a repair about a month ago. Turned out the battery was faulty, but, fortunately, I got a new-ish phone today (after about a month of runaround and waiting for a response from them)... and it turns out the phone doesn't work properly! (The home button won't respond at all, and that's not good for an iPhone.) And the fact that I just got the phone today is really what's upsetting. So time to head back tomorrow to the store and tell them that I want a functioning phone... Luxembourgish law fortunately is on my side here, since they have to guarantee their stuff against defects for a minimum of six months (even if used), but it's still really frustrating to have to go back to them again so soon.

You've likely already taken it in so this won't be very useful, but if in the future this occurs and you're able to get to Settings, you can turn on an on-screen home button from General > Accessibility > AssistiveTouch, so the phone is usable until you can get it repaired/get a new one. It's intended for people with mobility problems who find it easier to tap the screen than reach for the home button, but it's useful in other situations too. I had to use this on one of my old phones that had a broken home button because I couldn't afford replacing it for awhile, and it worked pretty well once I got used to it.

(and if you're stuck in an app and need to get to the home screen so you can reach Settings, and you have a phone which has 3D touch (I think that's 6S and up), you can touch and firmly hold the lefthand side of the screen to open up the app switcher, from which you can get to the home screen. I am a fountain of situationally useful (but otherwise useless) knowledge.)

_________________I generally forget to say, so if it's relevant and I don't mention it--I'm from Southern Michigan and speak Inland North American English. Yes, I have the Northern Cities Vowel Shift; no, I don't have the cot-caught merger; and it is called pop.

Minor vent: I took my iPhone (5) in for a repair about a month ago. Turned out the battery was faulty, but, fortunately, I got a new-ish phone today (after about a month of runaround and waiting for a response from them)... and it turns out the phone doesn't work properly! (The home button won't respond at all, and that's not good for an iPhone.) And the fact that I just got the phone today is really what's upsetting. So time to head back tomorrow to the store and tell them that I want a functioning phone... Luxembourgish law fortunately is on my side here, since they have to guarantee their stuff against defects for a minimum of six months (even if used), but it's still really frustrating to have to go back to them again so soon.

You've likely already taken it in so this won't be very useful, but if in the future this occurs and you're able to get to Settings, you can turn on an on-screen home button from General > Accessibility > AssistiveTouch, so the phone is usable until you can get it repaired/get a new one. It's intended for people with mobility problems who find it easier to tap the screen than reach for the home button, but it's useful in other situations too. I had to use this on one of my old phones that had a broken home button because I couldn't afford replacing it for awhile, and it worked pretty well once I got used to it.

(and if you're stuck in an app and need to get to the home screen so you can reach Settings, and you have a phone which has 3D touch (I think that's 6S and up), you can touch and firmly hold the lefthand side of the screen to open up the app switcher, from which you can get to the home screen. I am a fountain of situationally useful (but otherwise useless) knowledge.)

I did take it in, and thanks for the info! But, really, it's the matter of principle that the replacement they give me for the defective phone turns out to be defective itself. At least they were apologetic and said they would work to fix the issue as soon as possible, but I'll believe it once it happens...

Classes in general. We have planners but they've never been useful for me. I never got into AP classes (all honours last year, no honours this year, almost all of my friends in the honours classes are now taking multiple APs).

I'm lazy in that I intentionally avoid work a lot and have a great aversion to it that goes beyond just inattentiveness or procrastinating. I know this is a flaw I have so I try to act against this tendency.

_________________ìtsanso, God In The Mountain, may our names inspire the deepest feelings of fear in urkos and all his ilk, for we have saved another man from his lies! I welcome back to the feast hall kal, who will never gamble again! May the eleven gods bless him!kårroť

In general, I think that an individual British person can be more of an authority on British imperialism than an Indian, just as a Japanese person can be more of an authority on Western music than an Italian.

_________________ìtsanso, God In The Mountain, may our names inspire the deepest feelings of fear in urkos and all his ilk, for we have saved another man from his lies! I welcome back to the feast hall kal, who will never gamble again! May the eleven gods bless him!kårroť

In general, I think that an individual British person can be more of an authority on British imperialism than an Indian, just as a Japanese person can be more of an authority on Western music than an Italian.

They can but not when they don't see what is racist about a privileged imperialist indiscriminately calling non-white people "half devil and half child."

Just interrupting this argument to announce that I have been vomiting after I eat anything for two weeks now. I went to the doctor and she gave me some medicine...that doesn't really help. My symptoms got mostly better earlier this week, but they're quite as bad today as they've been. It's not super severe--I'd estimate that on average about 1/8 of what I eat comes back up--but it's still really not something I'm enjoying at all.

The same thing happened a few months ago but it abated after a couple weeks passed. I'm hoping it will fuck off again. I'm scheduled for some unpleasant tests in about five weeks, but potentially 5+ more weeks of puking does not sound like fun.

That sounds absolutely miserable. Hopefully your symptoms do back off soon!

_________________I generally forget to say, so if it's relevant and I don't mention it--I'm from Southern Michigan and speak Inland North American English. Yes, I have the Northern Cities Vowel Shift; no, I don't have the cot-caught merger; and it is called pop.

I'm taking lower doses of my medication so I have felt awful the past few days. Constant headaches and sweating. Hard to focus on anything.

_________________ìtsanso, God In The Mountain, may our names inspire the deepest feelings of fear in urkos and all his ilk, for we have saved another man from his lies! I welcome back to the feast hall kal, who will never gamble again! May the eleven gods bless him!kårroť

(As a word of explanation: I am transgender. A few months ago all the pieces fell into place. Since then I've been dealing with some serious personal shit. That's why I weren't so active here. Things aren't going smoothly yet, but I think I'm on a good track.)

I am tired. I haven't slept properly for the last few days. I can't sleep at night, then in the morning I have to go to work, then I come back home tired and take a short nap, and then I'm unable to fall asleep again.

It's half past eleven in the evening, so I'm hoping to steal a few hours' sleep tonight.

_________________The conlanger formerly known as “the conlanger formerly known as Pole, the”.

If we don't study the mistakes of the future we're doomed to repeat them for the first time.

_________________ìtsanso, God In The Mountain, may our names inspire the deepest feelings of fear in urkos and all his ilk, for we have saved another man from his lies! I welcome back to the feast hall kal, who will never gamble again! May the eleven gods bless him!kårroť

_________________ìtsanso, God In The Mountain, may our names inspire the deepest feelings of fear in urkos and all his ilk, for we have saved another man from his lies! I welcome back to the feast hall kal, who will never gamble again! May the eleven gods bless him!kårroť

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