Sometimes in the midst of deep trauma and very real heartache, it's hard to enjoy life. To stay present, in the moment, and not trapped in the past (depression) or the future (anxiety). The hard things don't go away, and we can't leap frog over the pain and trauma by merely pretending it doesn't exist or slapping on a fake smile -- BUT, we can work on creating healthy habits in our life that help us find joy in the journey.

THINKING OF OTHERSGetting outside ourselves and seeing and feeling empathy for others helps us focus less on our own pain and situation. It also helps facilitate connection as we see others more clearly.

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less." - C.S. Lewis

CONNECTIONHow happy we are in life is pretty closely related to the quality of our relationships. Which is why dealing with relationship trauma is so painful. But study after study shows that those who have a core group of supportive, loving people who are there for them are happier and live longer.

"Why are close, loving relationships so crucial to our well-being and happiness? Relationships create psychological space and safety so that we can explore and learn. When we feel safe and supported, we don’t have to narrow in on survival tasks like responding to danger or finding our next meal. We are able to explore our world, which builds resources for times of stress and adversity." (link)Characterisics of close relationships (from PBS.org):

The ability to love and be loved

Mutual understanding

Caring

A source of direct help in times of trouble

Celebration of good times

Validation of self-worth

Security

A diversity of ideas and influences to help us grow and learn

Fun

"National surveys find that when someone claims to have 5 or more friends with whom they can discuss important problems, they are 60 percent more likely to say that they are ‘very happy’." (link)

I can't tell you the number of WoPAs (wives of porn addicts) I've talked to who will confirm that it was in support groups and online forums and our Togetherness Communities that their lives were saved and changed -- those connections, with women who understood and could empathize, were among the most healing part of their recovery.

"According to one study, small talk, instead of predicting your intelligence, may instead actually hinder your happiness. (To be fair, the researchers note that small talk is obviously important for smoothing into social conversations, especially with new acquaintances . . . )

"In the long term, however, a happier life eschews trivial chatter in favor of longer, more thoughtful conversations. In general, talking with others is a good thing for our happiness, but when the conversation is always superficial, it begins to take a toll:

"'…the extent of small talk was negatively associated with happiness… [and] the extent of substantive talk was positively associated with happiness. So, happy people are socially engaged with others, and this engagement entails matters of substance.'"

SELF-CARETaking care of ourselves and not always putting ourselves last can be difficult to fit into busy lives, especially a busy life in trauma -- but it's imperative. We can only be as emotionally healthy as we give time and effort to being. Exercise, emotional and mental care, simple pleasures, and time are things we need to find a way to prioritize to help fill our bucket -- especially when so many other little buckets need filling from our own if we have kids or others who depend on us. Running on fumes for too long leaves us with nothing left and damage done.

SETTING & WORKING TOWARDS GOALSFrom the book, 'Engineering Happiness':"In his studies, the psychologist Jonathan Freedman claimed that people with the ability to set objectives for themselves—both short-term and long-term—are happier."

GRATITUDEStudies show that showing gratitude -- 'counting your blessings', so to speak -- has a measurable affect on our happiness. Again, this doesn't mean ignoring the trials in life -- those have much to teach us, and there's no way around them, only through them. But consciously cataloguing the people, things and experiences in our lives that we are grateful for helps us keep a healthy and more positive perspective. And boosts happiness levels. Another study showed that writing thank you notes helped increase one's feelings of emotional well being, happiness and life satisfaction. We touch two lives, ours and the other persons, every time we genuinely offer expressions of gratitude.

Recognizing our blessings and expressing gratitude are two sides of the same coin that will help us feel happier and more joy in our lives.

In a lot of ways, this list is just a start -- and each person will have their own path to finding and claiming their own happiness and sense of well being in their own lives. Which leaves us asking you:

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PURPOSE

This space was originally created to share ideas and tools, and bring together women whose lives have been affected by a loved one's pornography addiction and/or infidelity. As well as those who support and love them. And all those who wish to become better educated about the issues of pornography and addiction in our society.

While there will be no further posts, there is a wealth of amazing information here -- most especially in the Community Lessons linked to through the picture below. Please check them out!