The Williams Record

One in 2000

I met Ted Wiles ’08 in Paresky, determined to expose his rumored secret past as an emo-blogger. Things didn’t go as planned. Here is his resistance.

[Avoiding dropping the bombshell accusation at first] People say you have very early morning workouts.

Yeah, I start working out at 7 o’clock.

Do you eat before you work out?

Couple eggs.

Like in Rocky, gulping down a few raw ones? Do you have a goal for how many?

I don’t really have a goal.

So, why so early?

It gets me going in the morning, you know? I don’t have to work out later in the day, it’s not really a – I’ll probably quit soon.

Are you an athlete?

In a sense.

In the workout sense!

I’m on the rugby team.

[Out of nowhere, dropping the festering bombshell] You blog all the time.

That’s not true. I’ve never blogged before – There was a rumor. There was a rumor that there were a number of posts on WSO attributed to me, but that’s just false. They’ve never existed and I’ve never seen evidence –

What was the topic?

I don’t really want to get into it.

Yeah, but I do. Enlighten me. Was it dirty? Sexual? Racist?

No. It wasn’t any of those things.

I’m a little disappointed you won’t share with us. How can I find out? Tell me who would know.

Go on down to Poker D. Any of those guys will tell you – what they think – that I might have said.

Was someone else writing under your name?

No, actually I think they just made it up out of thin air.

Nothing like completely false rumors. [Seeing no possible way to obtain a confession] I heard you have an emo haircut. But it doesn’t look like one.

In high school I went through an emo phase. Very depressed.

But no blogging?

That was the period of time that I was allegedly blogging. I had really long hair.

Did it cover half your face?

Oh yeah.

Any eyeliner?

No. The reason I had it at the time was because my girlfriend, who was making me miserable, was also making me get that ridiculous haircut.

Was she emo too?

Yeah. In a deceitful kind of way. But after that, I managed to seal up all my emotions and that’s who I am today.

Were your heroes at the time Good Charlotte and Simple Plan?

I don’t even know who those bands are.

Yeah you do.

No, I don’t and I am thankful about that.

Okay. So you’re not emo anymore. Would you ever go back?

No. I have no emotions.

Emo is a rough lifestyle. I mean, I wouldn’t know.

You just popped out those bands though. You know more about the lifestyle than I do.

[Unexpectedly seething with rage] You know what? That’s funny because I decided to be an econ and political science double major, and then I found out that both my dad and brother were econ and political science majors. So when you insult me, you’re actually insulting my entire family.

Why didn’t you just combine them and become a political economy major?

That’s for wimps.

You must have political economy major friends. Are they wimps?

[Flips through his mental rolodex of friends. Finds the political economy majors. Nods.] Yeah, wimps.

So how about this recession!

Don’t ask me any questions relying on actual economics knowledge.

Good to know that the Williams education has served you well. Any spring break plans?

I’m going to be here doing my thesis. It’s an econ thesis on purchasing power parity.

Come again?

Purchasing power parity.

Oh wow. Lots of alliteration.

Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. But it’s a lot of spreadsheets, econometrics, computer time. Pretty much all I do.

No blogging.

No. Enough with that.

Until you admit that you actually blog I’m going to continue. I really have nothing else to ask you about. Well, how about Poker. How’s life down there?