Search for content, post, videos

How to Fall in Love on Purpose

by Grant Langston - Senior Director, Content

March 25, 2011

Does the idea of falling in love on purpose seem crazy to you? Are you one of those who believe you can’t help who you fall in love with – that you are simply at the mercy of chemistry and fate? Well, read on and see how you can exert firm influence over your mind’s natural bonding process.

First off, let’s look at some of the facts around falling in love. Professor Arthur Aron from State University of New York at Stonybrook has done research into the dynamics that occur when two people fall in love. In an article for Discovery Health he discusses the factors that greatly affect our likelihood of falling in love:

1. Participating in an activity or group that experiences an exhilarating set of circumstances – skydiving, political demonstrations, and performance art for example – can make us more attracted to the other members of that group. Professor Aron believes this is because we subconsciously associate the excitement of the experience with the people who are involved.

2. We fall in love most when we find a person who is attractive to us, appropriate for us, and shows attraction to us. Aron points out that when we sense a combination of these three events happening, we feel a surge of exhilaration.

3. The most common means of short-circuiting this process is a person’s lack of belief that the other person can find them attractive. Low self-esteem is the greatest impediment to falling in love.

4. The most important traits that trigger the feelings of falling in love are: kindness and intelligence. Interestingly, being unattractive is a big impediment to building a romantic relationship, but being attractive doesn’t help much according to Aron.

So, falling in love isn’t some mystical process that happens without regard for condition or location. You can set the stage for love to happen. What are some other tactics that you can use to help it happen? Let’s start with the obvious set:

1. Date people who want to fall in love and have a real relationship – ask questions if you’re not sure. (Do you think you’re at a stage in life where you want to have a serious relationship if you met the right person?)

2. Make it your first date mission to find out if a person is kind and intelligent. Talk to him/her enough about important issues to be clear by the night’s end on these two issues.

3. Regrettably, there isn’t a self-esteem button you can push to amp up your confidence. But you can follow the old “outside-inside” approach. The thinking goes that if you act confident on the outside – stand tall, smile, look people in the eye, and generally pretend to be a supremely confident soul that your mind will begin to see yourself in that way. In fact, this has been proven to work with a whole host of mind states

——————————————

Here are three additional tactics you can use to set the stage for falling in love.

1. See the Whole Person

There are people you fall for in a second. They walk in the door and you’re so attracted to them that you spend the first evening thinking, “Oh, please don’t do anything to shatter my attraction.” Then there are those people who create a lesser degree of excitement. They have a set of pluses and minuses, and it’s so easy to focus on the minuses.

The idea is to work in the direction of seeing the entire person and doing the mental math needed to figure out what the minuses mean to you.

Let’s set up a very simple example. Let’s say that your new girlfriend has three stand-out traits. She’s kind, funny, and has a voice like a bullhorn. It can be easy to say, “I just can’t date this woman and her loud obnoxious voice.” But if you can do the mental math of adding the pluses and the minuses you might find that the net is tremendous positive for you.

Make an effort to see the whole person and think about what they might bring to your life.

2. Express Your Attraction

Dating can turn into a game of “I’m waiting for the other person to express their interest first.” Both people work so hard at playing it cool and nonchalant. If one of the necessary conditions for falling in love is a sense that the other person is attracted to you – don’t be shy when it comes to showing your attraction. If you like the other person, tell them. “I had a great time with you tonight.” If you find parts of their personality enticing, let them know. “You’re funny. I really like that about you.” Give him/her the green light to return the expression of attraction.

3. Give Your Senses A Boost

Why on earth is candlelight associated with romance? It’s because most people are more attractive in the flattering, and somewhat dim, yellow glow of a flame. Our eyes don’t tend to perceive the flaws as easily in that light. All our senses benefit from some assistance when it comes to matters of romance. It isn’t about tricking yourself. You know that in the bright light of day the object of your affection may not appear so attractive to you, but living in that feeling of physical attraction can be so important, even if it is somewhat staged.

So, when it’s time to get to know someone romantically, do it in a way that engenders chemistry. Smell good (or at least clean), dress in flattering clothes, turn the lights down, sit close, talk softly. Make sure that your senses have a chance to see this person as a romantic interest.