EGALITE' - THAT GLORIOUS PARADISE WHERE NO ONE IS UNFAIRLY DISADVANTAGED BECAUSE EVERYONE IS EQUALLY MISERABLE !!!

Some
may define egalitarianism as “belief in the equality of all people,
especially in political, social, or economic life,” but a more precise
definition for the contemporary parlance would be “belief that every
person should have equal access to every opportunity in every
circumstance imaginable.” To provide such a society for our children, to
build them a shining egalitarian city on a level playing field, one
major progress-impeding super villain needs defeating.
.

Even more so than the misogynistic Christian church or the anti-gay
GOP, the chief enemy of egalitarianism is nature. Historic Christianity
only makes it hard for women to be pastors, but nature makes it hard for
women to be soldiers, firefighters, lumberjacks, and anything else that
requires masculine levels of upper body strength. Republicans may pass
laws letting bakers deny service for gay weddings, but nature imposes
laws denying two pairs of ovaries the power to procreate. But the
greatest way that nature breeds inequality is by filling us with the
desire to love the children that have resulted from our breeding.

Loving Your Children Hurts Others

Not all parents are equally adept at loving their children, as anyone
who’s ever observed a crowded McDonald’s play place knows. And when
those with superior nurturing skills unleash them on their offspring,
the results are horrific, producing children with higher levels of
happiness, education, and achievement than their contemporaries. One
might argue that the solution to this problem is to encourage bad
parents to work harder at loving their children, but such a heartless,
radical notion can’t be taken any more seriously than the suggestion
that a woman who can’t pass a physical fitness test
should increase her bench-press regimen like other women have done
instead of putting people at risk. Rather, the best way to achieve an
egalitarian society is for those who can shoot the highest to quit
showing off and start aiming lower.
.

When those with superior nurturing skills
unleash them on their offspring, the results are horrific, producing
children with higher levels of happiness, education, and achievement.

.

“Is having a loving family an unfair advantage?” This is the titular question posed in a recent article
published by the Australia Broadcasting Corporation, where philosopher
Adam Swift comments that parents who read to their children at night
might want to consider the long-term effects. After noting that “the
difference between those who get bedtime stories and those who don’t—the
difference in their life chances—is bigger than the difference between
those who get elite private schooling and those that don’t,” Swift goes
on to suggest, “I don’t think parents reading their children bedtime
stories should constantly have in their minds the way that they are
unfairly disadvantaging other people’s children, but I think they should
have that thought occasionally.”
.

Although he should be commended from bringing awareness to the
dangers of reading Roald Dahl to your children when the neighbors are
watching “Monday Night Raw” with theirs, Swift must also be criticized
for stopping short of demanding that parents dumb down family time for
the sake of the greater good. To build a truly egalitarian society, this
is precisely what we must do. In fact, we must go even further. In
addition to impeding the intellectual development of advantaged children
to level the playing field, here are four more things parents must do
to crush the prejudice of nature and raise truly egalitarian children.

1. Stop Bathing Your Children

In a fair and just society, all people should be free to enter any
relationship they desire without interference from the state. It
therefore follows that, in an equally fair and just society, those same
people should be free to enter any relationship they desire without
interference from the person they’re trying to enter a relationship
with.
.

Sadly, history is littered with countless examples of women who have
refused the romantic advances of certain men simply because they smelled
like cigarettes and cat urine. If we’re going to combat the societal
blight of malodorous men being denied equal opportunities for mating, we
must begin leveling the playing field now by keeping our kids out of
the tub, as such well-intentioned bathing culturally conditions our
children to believe that it’s “bad” to “smell” like animal waste.

2. Stop Giving Them Fruits and Vegetables

Since an individual’s eating habits are established at an early age,
it’s of paramount importance that those who would feed their sons and
daughters healthy foods recognize they are unfairly disadvantaging the
children of parents who believe a balanced breakfast consists of a
couple Slim Jims and an Oreo McFlurry.
.

Just as it’s not fair for intellectually advanced parents to pass
their values onto their children, it’s also not fair for the
nutritiously minded to give their offspring a better shot at not dying
of heart disease than those kids whose parents curse Michelle Obama’s
love of kale while pouring gravy on their Cocoa Puffs. So start
substituting rib tips for apple slices in Junior’s lunch. It’s the least
you can do to balance the societal scales.

3. Stop Teaching Your Children Manners

Of all the people you’ve known who were late for a job interview, or
were arrogant, angry, or vulgar during it, how many of them were passed
over in favor of someone who showed up on time and exhibited the virtues
of humility, kindness, and decency? Should we really continue giving
people a leg up in society simply because, by random chance, they were
born to parents who taught them to carry themselves with dignity and to
treat other people with respect?
.

As socialist governments throughout the world have proven with great success,
you can quickly eliminate poverty by taking money from the rich and
giving it to the poor. But manners aren’t so easily redistributed, so
the only way to correct society’s refusal to give equal job
opportunities to the boorish is for all of the gainfully employed to
start peppering our resumes with a few more coffee stains and curse
words.

4. Stop Raising Them

If Billy’s parents are more loving than Joey’s, we should acknowledge
that Billy has an unfair advantage over Joey. But if Joey’s parents are
more existent than Suzie’s, we should also acknowledge that Joey has
some non-orphan privilege to check. Just as we should be willing to die
of smoke inhalation to prevent a lady firefighter from feeling bad about
not being able to carry us on her back, we should also be willing to
abandon our children in order to make kids who have already been
abandoned feel less socially ostracized.
.

Granted, there’s a good chance that a nation full of parentless
children will quickly become a hellish wasteland of sorrow and brutality
that would give the zombies on “The Walking Dead” nightmares. But the
important thing is that our lives would all be equally
abominable, and achieving such equality would certainly make it
worthwhile to duck out of the hospital right after the umbilical cord
was cut.

Male-only clergy rosters and religious freedom bills are certainly
enemies of equality that must be destroyed. But the sins of the Church
and the bigotry of the GOP pale in comparison to the greater threat that
comes from a natural world that inexplicably gives women smaller biceps
than men, callously refuses to let gay couples procreate, and, above
all, perpetuates unfairness by making children smarter just because
their parents read them “Go Dog Go” instead of Jerry Springer
transcripts. However, if we all commit to keeping our children dumb,
smelly, unhealthy, untactful, and emotionally shattered, nature won’t be
able to stop us from creating that glorious egalitarian paradise where
no one is unfairly disadvantaged because everyone is equally miserable.
.
.
.

Hans Fiene is a Lutheran pastor in Illinois and the creator of Lutheran Satire, a series of comical videos intended to teach the Lutheran faith.

Post a Comment

Translate This Blog

Followers

Subscribe To

Search This Blog

About Me

A Texan who loves the truth and hates the lying, cheating, and deliberate prevarication that characterizes so much of our civic discourse these days.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
RIPOSTE, n. 1. Fencing: a quick thrust after parrying a lunge 2. a quick sharp return in speech or action; counterstroke.
- The Random House Dictionary of the English Language...........
You can contact me by sending an email to me at: leorugiens23@gmail.com