Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
2760

If Men Ruled The World
1- Two words... "Ally McNaked".
2- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop : "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
3- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
4- Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
5- Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
6- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
7- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
8- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
9- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
10- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
11- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
12- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
13- "Sorry I'm late, but I was wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
14- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
15- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. Vinnie F.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
2761

My Son's Ray
A 32-year-old woman goes to the welfare department to ask for assistance after losing her job. The Social Worker asks her how many kids she has.
She tells the worker ten boys -- all named Ray.
"Ten!" shouts the worker, "What do you do when you want them to come inside when they are playing?"
"Oh, that's easy," she says. "I just call out, 'Ray, time to get inside,' and they all come inside."
"What about when dinner is ready?"
"Oh, that's easy too," she replies, "I just yell out, 'Ray, dinner is ready,' and they all come and eat."
"So, what do you do when you need just ONE of your son's to do a chore for you?"
"Oh, that's easy," she replied, "I just call him by his last name." Erick Solares

Wednesday

Joke
N°
2762

College Dorm Rules
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued:
"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?" Danny M.

Thursday

Joke
N°
3342

Sexual Harassment
A mother told her daughter; "If someone sexually harasses you by touching the top part of your body, you must shout DON'T! Touching the lower part of your body, you must shout STOP!" The next day, the daughter came home crying and told her mother she was sexually harassed.
The mother was so angry and asked her, "What happened, my baby?"
"It was terrible mother... sob... I was in the elevator when he came in... and there were two of us."
"Then he touched my top so I shouted DON'T!," the girl cried out.
"That's good," the mother commented. "Then he touched my bottom and I shouted again STOP!," the girl said wiping her tears.
"What happened then? Did he tried to touch you again?", the concerned mother asked.
"He then touched my top and bottom at the same time and I told him DON'T STOP!" Bally S.

Friday

Joke
N°
3343

Farmer Joe
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" Walter G.

Saturday

Joke
N°
3344

Birth Control

Adrian F.

Sunday

Joke
N°
3345

Trained Frogs
Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet...
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says:
Snatch Eating Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Come complete with instructions.)
Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there".
She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! Cindy is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, Cindy calls...
Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell. Cindy welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Note: If you are interested in more great jokes, click here.
Travis G.