Kate Upton Says She's Single, I'm Ready to Mingle

When I was 12, my rather compassionate Little League coach came to me after a particularly horrid on-field performance and said, 'Hey, weak link, see that big kid over there on the mound. Now that's a ball player. Something you're most definitely never going to be. Why don't you take up knitting, Nancy". Well, that hurt my feelings. Honesty always has been rough on me. And that kid over on that mound. That was Justin Verlander. Well, not THE Justin Verlander, but some other kid who was genetically engineered to be a future superstar athlete, like Justin Verlander, So I've no love lost for those super human dudes who made me look bad by comparison as a kid, and later on life, took all the hot women.

But, now, an opening has appeared as the wonderfully delicious bombshell Kate Upton publicly announced that she is single, amid rumors of the past six months that she has been seeing Justin Verlander, and I intend to make my play. While Kate may have been insulted by my query yesterday that perhaps she was only the second hottest woman in this world of 3.6 billion females, I believe I can successfully woo her my own unique brand of charm, joie de vivre, and a pair of plastic strap hand restraints.