LBR, Absolutely *No One* Is on ‘Bachelor Winter Games’ for the Right Reasons

Even if you’re sidelining the legit Pyeongchang Olympics, you may be wondering what the Bachelor Winter Games are and who is competing — not to mention, how do they think this is going to be different than last time? To answer the second question: toboggans, probably. But as to why the franchise’s international superstars are returning to Bachelor Nation‘s most ingenuine and ridiculous offering yet, we’re not sure. But spoiler alert: it has nothing to do with finding a soulmate.

Although the Bachelor Winter Games promises to be yet another quest for love, we can only see it as another ice-cold competition for reality TV fame and Instagram endorsements. Let’s look at the receipts.

Ben Higgins and Ashley Iaconetti are just making the Bachelor Franchise their brand at this point.

The trailer for Winter Games features a crumble-faced Ashley I sobbing to the cameras, “Why don’t I ever get picked?” And like, girl, you need to not.

The Nation mainstays and co-hosts of the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast are literally capitalizing on this entire franchise. With every show, they extend their 15 minutes of fame by another two minutes. If they play their cards right, they’ll become full-fledged court members in Bachelor Nation, which will crumble approximately never.

And that’s why we get insulted that Ben, fresh off his breakup from fianceé Lauren Bushnell, has the audacity to say he’s so stoked to find someone else in Winter Games.

“[I was] excited about putting my foot out there to say, ‘Okay, I’m ready. Let’s make this public and let’s try something new,'” Ben told People. So… try something new as in have your quest for romance documented again, but with a snowy backdrop? Whatever you say, BooBoo.

Ditto to really anyone who has to make return trips to the Bachelor and its related shows, i.e. this entire cast. But Ben and Ashley, this is their job now. It’s fine, but let’s not pretend this is about anything more than a paycheck.

These people have competed for love before, but this is an actual competition.

Now, in order to win “date cards” contestants have to beat each other in legit winter sports like biathlon and ice dancing. Now, we don’t know what those are and we’re pretty sure anyone else who read that doesn’t know what those are either. What we do know, however, is that you’re a C-list celebrity and you probably don’t need to wipe out on the slopes in order to get laid. This is an intense twist on the Bachelor property that isn’t really attractive for those who love roses and champagne and helicopter dates. You know who it’s ideal for, though? Those who aren’t there to make friends.

…and those who have a ski lodge fantasy, but you get what we’re saying.

At best, those looking for “love” might have an obsession with The Bachelor and should seek help for it.

Which, hey, we understand. Yet even those who might be seeking out a mate while bobsledding definitely have a Bach-specific addiction. Like, take Japan’s Yuki Kamura, who wants to win a husband the old-fashioned way: by returning to a reality TV show franchise as many times as it takes. “I want to marry a man I meet on The Bachelor,” Yuki told The New York Times. “Until that day comes, I will keep being on The Bachelor [shows].”

Wow, calm down, Yuki. If you’re that thirsty for a spouse just be like any and get a Match account.

Uh, nobody’s going to make long distance work with competitors from different continents.

So while Team USA is especially represented, Bachelor Winter Games is made up with contestants from 11 international versions of the series. That’s all at once kind of cool and yet not conducive to forming long-term relationships. Let’s just take the cultural differences and language barriers aspect out of this, because no doubt the show will address that for slightly uncomfortable comic relief. The sheer logistics of being thousands of miles away from your on-screen love interest does not have realistic marriage potential. Like, you did not end up with Carlo from study abroad, and there’s a reason for that.

Look, this is a problem that affects Bachelor contestants that live in the same country and those who aren’t that far from each other, like Canada. You know, no shocker that Vanessa and Nick didn’t make it last after five months of long distance engagement. Big shock, however, that Nick didn’t return to Winter Games, because seriously, that guy needs Bachelor rehab.

And btw, bringing out Trista and Ryan like the Bachelor Nation Olympic torch is effing rude.

Trista and Ryan Sutter, the happily-married-with-two-kids couple from The Bachelorette’s inaugural season, are the grand marshalls ushering in Winter Games. Now, even Bachelor non-fans have heard their grandmas tell tales of how those two crazy kids really made it work. But while their love may be real (like as real as Bach can get), the idea that you can live happily ever after, particularly in these late-season Bachelor spin-offs, is a flat-out fallacy.

Look, guys, this may be hard to hear, but Trista and Ryan are the exceptions, not the rule. Trista and Ryan are like your friend who just had a destination wedding with the first guy she swiped right with on. You spent that entire ceremony fuming among some beautiful lemon trees in Florence, thinking, “I can’t believe Jessica is getting married to Big Fish Steve, this is un-f–king real.”

To close off our Winter Games commentary (at least for now), we forsee all these tear-stained hook-ups to burn out before the series is over. But hey, we’re still invested in watching. Let the games begin.