Mokrie Dela

Killed by drones.

The Yardies

Joined: 01 May 2009

Most Talented Writer 2015
Most Talented Writer 2014
Most Talented Writer 2013
Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

I do see a touch of what I tend to do - especially in the penultimate passage - and that seems to be being too concerned over rhyming, i couldn't get a sense of what you meant.
apart from that though, i liked the imagery you chose and thought it flowed well.

One other thing. The final line: I think it might have more impact if you got rid of "just"
Sounds like someone saying "Oh, it's just a scratch." Unless of course that's what you wanted.
"It hurts a lot" would tell me that there is great pain, whereas "it just hurts a lot" seems to almost trivialise it.