Heebie-Jeebies Plagues Locals

Used firecrackers, remnants of cheap, drugstore fireworks, and the faint smell of farts. This was the horrifying scene at Trickster Gallery, where a local man was found unconscious. The cause? Officials believe it was a case of the heebie-jeebies.

Daryl Carpenter, 78, was found unconscious near the Trickster Gallery late last night following what he describes as “a terrifying scare” before blacking out. Carpenter was rushed to Feather Fall Medical Center where he is said to be in recovery.

Who is responsible? Local law enforcement believes this may be a case of The Willies, the teenage gang that has gained momentum in the Chicagoland area every summer since the girls stopped by. No suspect has yet to be taken into custody.

As the Halloween season approaches, citizens are urged to guard themselves against these scare attacks by walking in groups or pairs and avoiding dark, secluded areas. People should avoid the following trigger situations where the Willies may occur:

Basements/Attics

Surprise Parties

Streets with the lamps burnt out

Your Grandma’s medicine cabinet

Mall massage parlors

Estate Sales

Creaking staircases

People who say the word “moist”

Crawl spaces

Zoos

Retirement homes

Alien Abduction sites

Cold swimming pools

Old man Smithers’ house

Funeral Homes

The family of Daryl Carpenter suggests sending flowers and sympathy cards via messenger, as hospital visits are the quickest way to contract the heebie-jeebies.