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Author
Topic: Struggle........ (Read 2237 times)

I am from Moscow, Russia. Positive and tired since 2004. I am not on medical. I passed cd4 test only once. No viral load test.Cd4 test was done 7 moth past infection. Cd4=763abs. 38%. No tests since that time. My life for those 2 year is struggle with my body. I found that only one thing helps me  to eat a lot So when I am tired I eat  sometimes it helps, sometimes no. Also I became very fat because of that.

The problem is that I work full day. And I think my colleagues think I am strange sometimes. I would say I am completely exhausted two days  Monday morning and Friday evening. Morning is always difficult, but the thing is that I wake up quite healthy and re-freshed, but in one hour when I drive my car I am completely exhausted. I feel like all my body is slow, my muscles are aching, my eyes are moving slowly and hurting, even my mind and speech are concerned. It is like all energy is taken from me. When the people ask me something I am not able even to understand the question. Usually it continues the whole Monday  I feel completely exhausted. It is even difficult to drive the car  because I am not able to react fast. My eyes see black points which are moving. Every morning is the same, but especially  the Monday. At this day I want to die, because it is not me. I want to buy a gun and shut my head But I am too sick probable to do that.

By the Friday evening I become tired and tired and my joints become involved in the process also, they are inflaming. My stomach is upset usually at that time also. But joint pain and tiredness is the main issues, which make my life awful. I feel like all the body inside is inflaming, like something eats me inside. It affects my vision also, I see the people like through the fog.

I am alone, and I do not even want to be with someone, because I am not able to love, when I am like that.

Anyone thoughs how to overcome that, not to give up and continue to fight...........

and welcome to the forum. I dont know what your treatment options and possibilities are in Moscow, but in my opinion you are due for more Labs and check out where your numbers are going. You Last counts seemed fine but that was a while ago. This site offers lots of information besides the real day to day expereinces in the various threads on the boards living with the virus. I hope you would have the opportunity to put your health plan together.

There are many conditions that can be stress and anxiety related and opening up and not being alone can help. I hope that you have now found this site will help you. You are not alone.

You are not alone. The struggle you feel within yourself shows that you are a person with a beautiful heart. And that makes you even more loveable to me. I also feel alone sometimes ... Yes there are people who care. Remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Logged

... when I was young, I never needed anyone, making love was just for fun, those days are gone ... Eric Carmen (Raspberries)

You are not alone. Welcome. Your infection is still very recent and there is much you can do to live a healthy life. Seek for medical attention. I am sure in Rusia antirretrovirals and treatment is free. Your future is in your hands.