Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

TOUGH CALL

THE HUNT IS ON!

The World Famous In Some Ways Herald Hunt will go on as scheduled this Sunday in beautiful, largely electrified downtown Coral Gables. The Hunt is always a fun family event, right up until the family goes insane, often within the first 45 minutes. Here's another fine website about the Hunt created by the tropichunt.com guy, a member of the worldwide cult of Hunt followers.

So come on out Sunday. I'll be there, though I haven't taken a real shower in days, so you'll want to stand upwind.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, BLOGSTERS!

October 30, 2005

WILMALAND UPDATE

Last night we went to a Halloween party thrown by my wife's cousins. They're Cubans who've been in the United States a little over a year, and like most Cuban immigrants I know, they're working at 17 jobs and adapting fast to life in the United States, or at least life in Miami, which of course is not quite the same thing. They love Halloween. They cannot believe what a great idea it is to put on costumes and consume vast quantities of carbohydrates.

They have no electricity, which does not paticularly bother them, as they often had none in Cuba. They borrowed a generator, which they used to power the stereo, because at a Latin party, music takes precedence over refrigeration. They also used it to power an illuminated skeleton that they got at a party store, which they had halfway buried in the yard, in a hole that was left when a large tree got blown over by Wilma.

There were maybe 50 people there, and I was the only one who did not speak Spanish. Not that it mattered: The main activity was dancing under the sky to a wide range of music, from salsa to the Fine Young Cannibals. At one point they were playing disco, and we danced to what has to be one of the dumbest songs ever written, even by disco standards: "Ring My Bell." When we got to the chorus, you could hear many different voices, with many different degrees of accent, singing:

Ring my bell...Ring my bell!

It was a great night. I can't say we totally forgot about Wilma, But we definitely said the hell with her.

(WHAT PASSES FOR) LIFE IN WILMALAND

I'm blogging this by phone from a gas line. My car has been creeping creeping creeping forward and now I CAN SEE THE ACTUAL GAS PUMPS. I have not been this excited since Prom Night.
You probably think I'm joking. That's because you do not live in Wilmaland.

IMPORTANT UPDATE DELAYED BY HURRICANE SEASON

ARRRGGHHHH

Last night at 4:30 a.m., our electricity came back. We
rejoiced and did the Electricity Dance, then went around the house closing all
the windows and turning off all the lights that we had turned on over the past
few days, because when you have no electricity you are constantly walking into
dark rooms and flipping the light switch and then remembering that you have no
electricity. Then we went back to bed, and... the electricity went off. So we
said some bad words in the dark, and 15 minutes later... the electricity came
back on.

And then, 30 minutes later, just when we had finally fallen
back asleep, it went back off.

It's still off.

They're clearly doing this on purpose. Somewhere in our
house, there's a hidden camera, sending images to Florida Power and Light
headquarters, where we are watched by sadistic power executives ("Make
them do the Electricity Dance again!").

WORLD NEWS UPDATE

Just because this blog has no electricity or gasoline or hope for the future or Cheez-Its, that does not mean we are just sitting around wallowing in self-pity. We realize that important non-Wilma news is breaking, and we are working hard to bring you the top stories of the day, as well as our insightful analysis. Our analysis in this case is: Yikes.

LIFE IN SOUTH FLORIDA

What we do, here in South Florida, is look for gasoline. If we see a line of cars anywhere, we get in the line, in case it's for gasoline. If it turns out to be a drive-thru line for Burger King, we ask if they have any gasoline. We park at gas stations that aren't open, and have not been open for days, in case they will suddenly open, and we will have gasoline. We will burn 15 gallons of gasoline trying to find an open gas station, where, if we are very lucky, we will be allowed to purchase seven gallons of gasoline. We are like crack addicts, except our situation is worse, because there is plenty of crack available, thanks to FEMA.

GREETINGS FROM GENERATORLAND

I apologize for not blogging, but I spent most of yesterday getting back home. We flew to Orlando and drove south on the Florida Turnpike, passing a gazillion cars going the other way, fleeing the no-electricity zone. We weaved through fallen trees to get to our house, which was damaged a bit, but nothing serious. We lost some trees, but they'll eventually come back home, once they get hungry. We have no power, of course, but we do have water AND air. I'm blogging via a dialup connection that operates at the speed of FEMA, so I probably won't be putting much up here for a while, though I'll try.

October 24, 2005

THE MEAN STREETS OF HOLLYWOOD

WILMA UPDATE

South Florida is a mess, according to everybody I've talked to down there -- no power, trees down everywhere, a fair amount of building damage, and a lot of water in the streets. The Herald, which has many veteran hurricane reporters, has a detailed roundup here (you may have to register). I just talked to judi, and she's fine, and says hi to you regular blog readers. My family and I are still in DC, where we attended a highly entertaining event honoring a funny man last night (you might have to register for this one, also). We're hoping to get home tomorrow. I'm not totally sure why we're hoping to get home, but we are.

October 23, 2005

WILMA

I'm in Washington, D.C., this weekend with my family. We were planning to fly home tomorrow morning, but our flight is canceled. So unless the forecast is even more inaccurate than usual, we're going to miss Wilma. Good luck to everybody down in Florida. We wish we could be there. But at least we know our house is well-protected.

IOWANS SEEM LIKE NICE PEOPLE

WILMA UPDATE

Here in South Florida, they're closing schools and canceling events, and people are jamming the supermarkets to buy food they will probably never eat, all in preparation for a hurricane that is now... approaching Mexico.