5 ‘Muslim Beards’ That Right-Wing Nut Jobs Would Consider Un-American

5 ‘Muslim Beards’ That Would Earn The Ire Of Islamophobic Right-Wingers

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are definitely sitting on the other side of the looking-glass. Apparently, we really do live in a world where “Muslim beards” are a source of Islamophobic fear. Facial hair is enough to inspire terror in the paranoid and ignorant far-right.

We learned that when House Speaker Paul Ryan was thrown under the bus by GOP Teabaggers over his beard.

In a world where anything greater than a five o’clock shadow causes your loyalty to President and country to be questioned, we have to ask how these conservatives reconcile this logic with the “Muslim beards” proudly sported by their heroes. Given the level of hatred and ignorance currently oozing out of paranoid individuals on the right, I have to wonder how popular these bearded icons would be if they arrived on the scene today.

Chuck Norris

A long-time hero of the far-right, one wonders what Chuck thinks of accusations that his fierce follicles may be a sign of support for Islam extremism. Will Norris shave to appease the Teabaggers?

The Men From Duck Dynasty

The Duck Dynasty series features many magnificent beards — and a lot of right-wing homophobes. The anti-gay and racist comments by family patriarch Phil Robertson earned them a great deal of conservative support despite the inevitable backlash.

They are supposed to represent down home, “Salt of the Earth,” uber-Christian values. We know this because their beards are long and appear somewhat unkempt. However, I’m of the opinion that this entirely on purpose since they were largely beard-free prior to finding fame and fortune as white stereotypes on A&E. Seriously, check them out:

If they shed the beards, it wouldn’t be the first time the Robertson clan pulled off a massive make-over.

Abraham Lincoln

It’s pretty obvious that the conservatives are anything but the “Party of Lincoln.” Heck, they aren’t even the party of Ronald Reagan. With all the Islamophobic “Muslim beard” hysteria going around, it’s just another strike against Lincoln, whose party’s policies would probably seem closer to that of liberals in the eyes of rabid far-right Tea Party members.

Ted Nugent

It’s hard to feel sorry for Ted Nugent or his beard. Not only has Ted made Islamophobic comments in the past, but he’s also gone out of his way to blame the victims of gun violence. Should we say that, following his stellar logic, if Nugent becomes the target of anti-Muslim hate because he has facial hair, that it’s his own fault for not keeping his Gillette Fusion ProGlide handy at all times?

Jesus Christ

Although often envisioned by Western society and white Christian conservatives as a blonde-haired, blue-eyed European, scientists believe that Jesus would actually have looked something like this:

A wild-eyed brown-skinned man with a beard? I think it’s safe to say that even if he obviously practiced a form of Judaism, it wouldn’t matter to a hateful group known to attack non-Muslims while accusing them of “terrorism.” We already know that in the eyes of the far-right all brown people with beards look alike.

I guess now that even conservative white men are capable of being mistaken for un-American, Islamic extremists, their so-called “Lord and savior” is hardly a surprising exception. Sorry Jesus, but being a brown man with a “Muslim beard” means these Teabaggers probably want no part of your non-white Heaven anyway.

What other notable figures with awesome facial hair (A.K.A. “Muslim beards”) do you think would have paranoid conservatives shaking in their boots? Share your theories in the comment section below!

Toni Matthews is a writer who often blends unapologetic bluntness with playful humor. If you are willfully ignorant of matters that affect disenfranchised citizens while often declaring yourself a good and proud American, she WILL hurt your feelings.