Are we there yet?

June 20, 2006

To be or not to be, that is the question

I wrote about my OB, Dr W here. I recently wrote about how she was about to have her second child, her second in 12 months. Something that rattles my brain just thinking about it.

When I told her I admired her stamina, being ready so soon she laughed it off saying if I wasn't going to be 39 when this baby is born.. I really wanted more kids but it was either two back to back or one and we chose two and here I am ..

This is the doctor who comforted me after my first miscarriage. Who eased my fears during my second pregnancy by telling me that there was a 98% chance for a healthy pregnancy after hearing the baby's heartbeat. (A number which became my mantra in those days and nights when every twinge filled me with anxiety. Ninety-eight percent, ninety-eight percent..)

She assured me at my last doctor visit that at 35, I have plenty (and she did stress plenty) of time to have another baby. To not feel like I should rush if I wasn't ready. If she was telling me, of course it must be true. She's an OB - a pregnant, 39 year old OB. She knows what she's talking about.

She lost her second baby at 24 weeks. Pre-term labor. The baby survived for 4 days.

I don't know if she knew it was going to happen or if she had an existing medical condition of some kind that pre-disposed her to this outcome. Maybe she was exhausted from the demands of being a mother and a wife and an OB who worked around the clock on little sleep or sustenance. Maybe it was all too much. Maybe it wasn't and it would have happened anyway even if she were 29 because it wasn't meant to be and you can't reason with your uterus.

This is the part of motherhood; pregnancy and beyond that really scares me. The fact that you can't control any of it. Once the cells start dividing it's out of your hands. That's a hard thing to accept.

I don't know if this means anything other than simply illustrating that life is not fair but it has me wondering - am I doing the wrong thing by waiting? Does waiting put a future pregnancy at greater risk? Her answer the first time I asked that question was no. I wonder what she would say now. I believed her when she told me I had a 98% chance for a successful pregnancy. I felt such relief when she told me I had plenty of time to try again. I have such faith in her, if it were anybody but her I would have thought- you never know- anything could go wrong, but I trusted her. The way she must have trusted her body and it let her down.

How do you weigh the choice when it's all so random? I could have another baby now, my risk for developmental delays or complications is lower than it would be two or three years from now but would it break me? Create an anxious pregnancy? Put further strain on my marriage? Our financials? Take away from the child we already have? If we wait until we can better afford it and I feel ready to do the diapers and the sleepless nights and the pumping am I taking too big of a chance? Creating an anxious pregnancy? Increasing my risk of delays and complications? Would that break me? Put a huge strain on my marriage?

The reality is that if I want to have another baby, I need to be willing to accept what comes. Maybe I'll miscarry again. Maybe I'll have complications. Maybe I will have a child with a developmental delay. The reality is that this is the truth no matter what your doctor tells you. I just wish she didn't have to go through this for me to realize it.

Comments

I'm so sorry about what happened to your OB. My sister lost her second child at 18 weeks with no explanation and it was the most difficult time of her life.

I've been thinking a lot about this topic lately as I await my slightly overdue period. My husband doesn't want any more children (we have one together and he has two teenagers from a previous marriage), but I'm not so sure I'm done having kids. We're not trying to get pregnant, but I find myself wondering, "What if I was?"

I'm 35 and my OB told me the same thing two months ago, that I have plenty of time. But what I realized yesterday as I pondered this and what was underscored for me in your post is that no matter what happens (healthy pregnancy, risky pregnancy or no pregnancy) I need to be open to accepting it. We may only have our daughter. Or, we could have a second child. Or, I could miscarry during an unplanned pregnancy. Some of these scenarios (well, maybe all of them) scare me. But since I can't control things, I have to just let them happen as they will. Although I, too, worry about what would happen to my marriage if we had a second child.

Sometimes being open and willing to accept what comes our way can be comforting. The relaxation of letting go might be a nice way to feel.

I think that objective decisions go out the window when parenthood is involved. Like you said, it's all too random and unknowable. All you can do is give the issue careful attention and go with what feels right. I will be looking forward to following your thought process on this.

It has been such a shock to me to realize how much suffering we go through just to have our children - the infertility, the miscarriages, the preterm births... My heart just aches for your OB right now.

One thing to keep in mind is that there is an elevated risk of preterm birth when one pregnancy follows so closely upon another (a fact I'm glad I DIDN'T know while I was pregnant the second time, less than a year after giving birth). They say that it's safest to wait a minimum of 18 months before conceiving again. So don't feel like you have to rush.

How very, terribly sad. Echo bubandpie... this stuff is so much harder than we once thought! Best of luck as you wrestle with it. For what it's worth, I did not feel at all ready to try to conceive my second until my first was 2 years old.

It's just like you said, none of it is in your control. you can do everything right ~ take all the right vitamins, eat healthy, exercise, yada, yada, yada, but things can still go awry. That's what my mom always told me. But she also said you have to listen to your heart. Really listen. If it's telling you to wait, then wait.

It is scary. My co-worker just found out she's pregnant (they weren't planning to have another child) and will be 40 when the baby is born. She's struggling with the same kinds of worry issues about the baby's health and her age.

Oh Amy, I am so sad for your OB and completely understand all of the feelings it dredged up in you.
It's a crapshoot, no matter how well informed and careful and prepared you are, you still have no final control over what happens. I think everything about parenting is a huge leap of faith. We want more kids, but it will definitely only happen with IVF. I look at my gorgeous healthy boys and scare the shit out of myself thinking that we are SO LUCKY to have what we have, are we tempting fate by expecting more...?

But then I think about them growing up and away from us, or I see a tiny newborn and my uterus just lunges and I know I will take the leap of faith again.