“I Wasn’t Invited to My Sister-in-Law’s Party so My Husband Is Going Without Me!”

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My husband has been invited to a small 40th birthday dinner for his sister in Chicago (we live in Boston). I have not been invited nor has the absence of my invitation been addressed. My question: is this acceptable?

I feel strongly that my husband should decline a family invitation when I am excluded — and that his acceptance of the invitation would break down the integrity of our marriage. I would never, and I do mean never, accept a family invitation sent only to me and not my husband, simply because we are a unit and the strength of our relationship is the foundation of my life; at the end of the day, I come home to my husband, not my extended family.

However, my husband feels differently. He says that he understands why I’m hurt and doesn’t deny that I was purposely excluded, but, at the end of the day, the greater slight would be to his sister if he was not there to “support” her. — Excluded from SIL’s Birthday

I’m with you that it’s incredibly rude that you weren’t included in the invitation to your SIL’s 40th birthday party. But that’s a simplistic reaction to an issue I’m sure is multi-layered. You don’t just make the “do not invite” list for no reason. I’d be curious to hear your SIL’s side — why she’s excluding her brother’s wife to an important event.

Regardless what the reason is and whether it’s justified — and, yes, I do believe there could be justification for excluding a family member’s spouse to your party though it would have to be a really big deal — the bottom line is that your husband has been invited and you haven’t and now you both have some decisions to make. It sounds like your husband has already decided what he’s going to do and that’s to attend his sister’s party. And while I can certainly understand why that decision would hurt and even anger you, the idea that it threatens the “integrity” of your marriage is nuts. How shaky is the foundation of your marriage that its very integrity would be at risk over such a trivial thing as a birthday party?

Methinks there are some other issues at play here and that you should take the energy you’re funneling into being angry about this invitation and focus it onto your marriage and what’s going on in the larger picture to create such cracks over this one detail. Do you feel disrespected by your husband in general? Obviously, there are issues between you and his family, so do you feel as though your husband, historically, hasn’t defended you enough or given you as much support as you’d like? Has he wasted opportunities to smooth the relationship between you and his family because it was easier to remain neutral? If so, you need to have a discussion — or discussions — about that — about the larger picture. For the record, your SIL’s 40th birthday party probably isn’t the best opportunity to smooth relations. But a call afterward would be.

What would be the purpose of your husband skipping his sister’s 40th birthday party? To prove to everyone how committed he is to you? To prove to YOU how committed he is? To illustrate that nothing will come between you? To show that he has a stronger allegiance to you than to his family? If you really need proof of that — if you really need for your husband to alienate himself from his own sister to feel as if the integrity of your marriage is intact, then something is amiss, and I would urge you to figure out what that something is and address it head-on. If you don’t, I can assure you that this won’t be the last time you feel as if the foundation of your marriage is being tested.

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GatorGirlJanuary 15, 2013, 9:12 am

The ONLY way I see this as acceptable is if it is the SIL, the brother and the parents (and other blood siblings if there are some). Not spouses of anyone, no children, just the “original” family.

I find this to be inexcusably rude and would not want my husband to attend if I was in your shoes, LW. First off, you are part of the family now and secondly, you and your husband are a social unit and etiquette dictates you should always be invited together. I would ask your husband to privately talk with his sister about the issue in a non confrontational way and find out why she chose to not invite you. Unless there is a seriously valid reason I would request he doesn’t go.

Everyone in the family you mean? It’s possible they all know, but it is possible they don’t. If the LW did something like steal money/goods from the SIL, was physically violent towards her, or hooked up with the sisters spouse then I get it. But like anything else? I think it’s ludicris to not invite the LW over. So if the LW hasn’t stole/hit/cheated on the SIL then I think the husband needs to get to the bottom of it.

The two times I have had this type of thing happen, it was personality driven. The first was the hostess claimed I wasn’t invited because another regular at the party always got heated about politics and she thought I instigated it. The other was my mother in law got mad at something I said at a party and she would not want me in her home until I apologized. Both were personality driven things. It is who said what to who about what.

LBH, I completely agree. We are all speculating right now because there is such a broad specturm of “things” the LW could have done to piss of the SIL. It could be anywhere from a Facebook comment taken the wrong way to stealing money. Chime in any time LW…

Who knows if the reason is “good”. The SIL could be a racist troll and the LW stands up to her BS during conversations. Or the SIL could be a generally petty jerk who never liked the LW. There could be a million reasons, none of them good.

I agree. If it were me, I would strongly request that my husband not go. I would also try to find out why I wasn’t invited. If the SIL wouldn’t talk to me, I’d try others in the family, or ask my husband to do it. This is not acceptable. It is the husband’s job to stand up for his wife to his family and unless, as Wendy suggests, there is a really big reason why she wasn’t invited, he should refuse to go unless she is invited as well.

but does that exclude you from ever interacting with anyone who doesnt like your spouse?

i mean, i get it, you spouse should be your number one priority, but really- they dont like each other (for whatever reasons- it doesnt really even matter at this point, right?), so he goes to see his sister/family and the wife stays home. is he really supposed to drop all his family because his wife doesnt life them? thats a little controlling, no?

But if they don’t like each other (& it’s for a petty reason), then I think the sister should just invite the wife anyway. He shouldn’t have to drop his family, no, but he should makes moves to defend his wife & take a stand against unnecessary exclusions (again, IF the reason is anything other than what GG mentioned above…stealing, hitting, etc.)

see, if i was the husband in this situation, i would just be like you two are petty idiots and i will have NONE of this drama in my life. you two work it out, and until then i dont want to hear any of it.

@katie – I think that would be the worst thing to do, everything I have read about creating a strong marriage means that the husband should choose the wife — or at least they need to come to a decision together and present a united front. Pitting your wife against your sister when you have no intention of weighing in could be a disaster!

Katie, I respect that you want to be so drama-free and easy-going about social things. I like that about you. But I don’t think it’s always going to be that simple. Some people will find a way to stew things up no matter how you respond to it. Also, when things start coming into your marriage, it’s completely natural to have feelings about it one way or the other that you want your spouse to respect or at least consider. I just don’t think it’s realistic to think you’re always going to be able to step out and be 100% chill about everything.

No, I’m not expecting him to drop his family. But I expect adults to be able to act maturely and not exclude a family member from an invitation for something petty. I don’t “like” my uncle but he’s invited to my wedding because he is family. For a less dramatic example- my mom and my aunt (my dad’s sister) do not get along at all, but they both came to Christmas dinner at my grandmother’s. They both managed to have a perfectly fine time and act like adults because, well, they are adults!

so in this instance, the SIL is acting like an idiot- and you cant control that. you cant be like, SIL- act like an adult! but what this LW *can* control is how she acts. so shouldnt she, then, be the adult in this situation?

Yes, the LW should act like an adult, of course. And I think she is. Unless she has committed some heinous crime against the SIL the LW has every right to be upset, in my opinion. Especially considering the husband will be traveling half way across the country for this birthday dinner! Which is why I think the husband should talk to his sister and explain she is being crazy. It’s not going to come across well if the LW calls the sister up and asks for an explination. In my opinion, the SIL is acting childish and petty (unless the LW has committed one of the acts I mentioned above) and the LWers husband should stand up to his family for his wife.

well, but again, what is the husband going to do? be like, hey, sister! act like an adult! he cant change her behavior either… so then even if she is being a jerk, does that mean that he shouldnt go to her party? i dont think so. i think the adult thing to do would be to go to the party, tell the sister that shes being a jerk, LW to graciously stay at home, and then for the SIL to look like the jerk that she is, like bossy italian wife said.

I’m trying to imagine if my SO’s sister hated me and I was unwelcome at her house. I can’t imagine asking/telling my SO to never go there again. Even if my SO said he wouldn’t bc of me, I still think I’d tell him to go. As most of you know, I hate my sister’s SO, but even him I would invite (while gritting my teeth). If he told my sister not to come home anymore bc he doesn’t like us, I would lose it.

LBH, I do think there is a difference from not going once from Boston to Chicago for a birthday party and never talking to the SIL again. I’m not advocating for ending the relationship with the SIL over this snub.

I’m with GG that he should still maintain a relationship with his family, but traveling that far is way too much for an event his wife wasn’t invited to. There’s not a clear-cut line, but he’s going very far out of his way in this scenario. I think it’s the formality of the get-together. Beer and football with his family? Totally fine. Formal party? Not fine. Lots of travel? Not fine.

I assume the LW is still invited to family events such as Christmas/4th of July. Go to those together. I wouldn’t attend a party my own sister invited me to but didn’t invite my fiance. I would expect him not go to an event hosted by his sibling if I wasn’t invited. Once we’re married (and even now but I know for some people it’s not) we’re each other’s #1 priority.

I think if it was closeby then it wouldn’t be a big deal for the husband to go solo , but asking the husband to travel and not the wife could presumably take up vacation or travel money that they have as a household…

I think that she knows why she wasn’t included and that it is a valid reason. She’s not upset that she wasn’t invited, she’s upset that her husband wants to go. I think if it wasn’t a valid reason then she would have pursued getting an invite or a reason why not first, then asked her husband to stay home.

Where is the LWer?? But like I said in another comment, the only “valid” reasons I see for this big of a snub are stealing, physical violence, or cheatng with the SIL’s spouse. If the LW did those, then I understand the SIL’s lack of an invitation. If it’s anything else then I think the SIL is in the wrong and the LW has every right to ask her husband to either smooth things over with the sister or him to not go.

i think that being upset is very valid and not weird, and then taking that and demanding that the husband not go, and then to say that it will wreck the integrity of your marriage are very different ways to go about this.

one is legitimate and perhaps can be remedied, one is just adding more fuel to the fire and is going to cost everyone in the long run..

If the wife was invited to the SIL’s 35th birthday, got drunk, said some nasty things, and acted like a jerk I could understand the lack of invite for the 40th birthday. There are a LOT of reasons it could be justified. My mom never forgave my dad’s sister for getting drunk, driving my brother and me around town (ages 5 & 10) and talking crap about her. I figure if my mom never wanted to see my aunt’s face again, that’s justified.

I agree. The husband is the link between the LW and the SIL. If he does not help to resolve this issue–whatever it is–he is opening the door for his wife to be excluded from everything and saying it’s okay for the discord in the family to continue. Nobody is saying he should bring the wife anyway and try to have a confrontation at the party, but I disagree that this is “not the time to take a stand.” The first time IS the time to take a stand, because the argument with be more difficult and murky the longer you wait. Whomever the “wrong” party is–whether it was a mutual disagreement or one in which there was an aggressor and a victim–the husband needs to make this the point at which it is resolved. Negative feelings may still linger until the LW and SIL have it out and resolve things, but ground rules should be laid before things start getting ugly and ongoing–and the first thing should be that neither lady can exclude the other from functions. Sorry, that’s part of being adults and being a family.

There’s got to be some reason the LW wasn’t included, and I feel like the LW probably knows why, but left that out. Maybe she’s one of those people who ruins a good time- we often read letters about them- There’s that one person who gets drunk and starts fights, or doesn’t know how to act in public and makes everyone uncomfortable.

I am with Wendy on this one. At face value – what we know just from the content in the letter – this is a huge slight. You are married and that makes you family. However, I feel like there is a pretty big reason your SIL is excluding you specifically. It’s interesting (and telling?) that those details were left out.

I agree with this, but I think that the husband is hurting the situation. If he really thinks the reason she wasn’t invited is valid, he needs to talk to her about her behavior. If he doesn’t, he needs to give his sister a talking-to. Just sitting back and letting hurt feelings simmer on both sides doesn’t help at all.

I don’t know. This is a hard one. My sister in law started hating me because she was always saying terrible things about her husband and I disagreed with her on one of her rants. Since then she hates me. It’s a family consensus that she is insane, but she is invited to every family event and respected. Why? because she is the spouse of someone in the family. My point is sometimes people don’t really need a huge reason to act ridiculously. Maybe she didn’t give the story because its not that interesting of a story?

so, WWS and WEES (what everyone else said). there is a reason that your excluded. either you are an asshole or your SIL/husband’s family is an asshole. if your the asshole, well, you can take steps to try to change that. you can repair bridges you have burnt with your new family. it’ll take time and energy, but hopefully it can happen. if its her/your husbands family… well, be happy that you werent invited! seriously, why would you even want to go if they are just a bunch of terrible people who hate you for no reason and would go to such lengths to let you know how they feel? just dont go. one of my high school boyfriend’s family was like this. the husbands family hated his mom for whatever reason, and so she just stopped going to FL when they went to visit. no hard feelings (hopefully?), just separation and silence from both parties. sometimes thats a good solution, and thats just how you have to coexist with certain people.

also, really, WWS about this *rocking* the integrity of your marriage. way to be the asshole in this instance, LW, and making your husband choose between family and his wife. thats a really, really shitty position to put someone in… if this was a really important thing, id say that he should side with you, he did marry you after all- but its a freaking birthday party. calm down. if you cant weather this, you have no hope. also, if you cant grasp the fact that he will want to see his family (no matter how you and the family feel about each other), you also have no hope.

lbh – but it isn’t an issue between 2 adults in the same standing, it is an issue between 2 families, and the husband is straddling the two. AS I wrote above your “new” family – the woman you married and perhaps the children you may have – should come before your “old” family in terms of general priorities. Now in lots of cases this isn’t an issue where people use common sense, decency and can function like adults, and that pendulum can swing back and forth pretty easily, but if people don’t behave then the problem shouldn’t be left to fester… At some point he is going to have to choose to stick up for his wife and insist that HIS family is treated a certain way by the rest of HIS family, or not, but he and his wife have to come to some sort of understanding and it doesn’t seem like they are anywhere close.

I do think this is totally unacceptable— a married couple is a unit. Why hasn’t the husband asked his sister why you were left off of the invitation? I mean, you say he doesn’t deny that you were “purposely excluded”, so what is the reason for this? Barring some extreme circumstance (you stole from her, you punched her in the face, you insulted her in some deliberate way), I actually WOULD expect the husband to decline the invite. But like others, I believe there has to be more to the story, here.

LW, I remember the first time I was blatantly snubbed. It was horrible and it was a direct response to my personality. It stung and the relationship with the person was never the same. I am also a person that has a roller coaster relationship with my inlaws. Here is what I have to say. This does not seem like an event that I would take a stand on. I would tell my husband to go and plan fabulous things to do that weekend on my own with my friends, family, or kids. I would take some quality me time and enjoy having the tv remote to myself, clean out some closets one day. The next go to a spa, get your makeup professionally done, then go out with girlfriends for overpriced drinks. Leave the drama in Chicago and simply say good riddance. Would you really want to go anyway?

Right. Post all the fun you are having on Facebook too! I remember when this happened to me with a “friend”, I felt so betrayed. Then I brushed off my ego and said I have tons of friends who do love me, want to be around me, and are worth my time. I then did something way better. Honestly, if the LW’s husband stayed in town he would resent her and if she went to the party it would be awkward. So do the best thing, let him go and be your fabulous self.

On the face of it your sister in law seems unbelievably rude …but its like you started telling the story half way through. WHY is she so rude to you? Because she is evil and controlling? Or did you do something to legitimately earn her ire? Because if the fault of the rift rests with you then I have sympathy for your husband. Why should he estrange himself from his family because you have behaved badly in the past? If you are innocent of wrong doing then it would seem your SIL is crazy …and your husband totally fine with it. It just seems less likely that your SIL has some completely unwarranted vendetta against you that your husband is fine with it. And I say this as someone who has an evil sister in law. So I know they exist…you just seem to be omitting the reasons behind her behaviour and that seems to indicate they aren’t favourable to you. I’m not against drawing a line in the sand or ultimatums but it seems you told your husband “me or her” and he picked her. That is the risk with drawing a line in the sand…someone might just cross it. There must be a reason. So ask him. And if the reason rests with your behaviour then some self reflection is in order if you want harmony in your family. If you truly are blameless and your husband is siding with your SIL for no apparent reason then some couples counselling should help both of you deal with the expectations you have of each other in your marriage.

It makes me wonder if the LW’s attitude has been “me/us vs. your family” from the beginning. Even the most understanding family may start to chafe if they’ve tried to welcome a new spouse into the fold but s/he chooses to stand apart and draw lines in the sand, as you said. But without an update, I guess we won’t know!

LW, you may have some self reflection in store even if you are totally blameless. I have awesome in-laws who have welcomed me as one of their own – except for my MIL’s family. I spent months putting up with awful attitudes and ridiculous demands (not to mention more than one tear-filled conversation), and that was just *planning* the wedding. I didn’t know what I had done to these people! You know what I did? Nothing. They’re just bitter, unhappy, horrible people. And I’m still making compromises to protect my family – my husband, and my MIL – from their own family’s particular brand of nasty.

Maybe you believe you did nothing wrong, and maybe you’re totally right. But maybe in their eyes it just doesn’t matter, and what you can do to keep your relationship with your husband strong is smooth waves of others’ making.

I’m torn on this letter. On the one hand, I totally see Wendy’s point. I was nodding my head in agreement and she’s right, if this slight ruins the foundation of the LW’s marriage, there are much bigger problems.

However, I’m a people pleaser. It’s what I do. I also have Catholic guilt. Thanks mom and dad. Anyway, I couldn’t imagine not inviting my sister’s husband to some event. Even if I couldn’t stand him and thought he was the worst person in the world, I would invite him to make my family happy. That’s just how we roll.

So I guess I don’t really have any advice. I think it would help to know why the LW wasn’t invited. I might have an answer then. But she left that out, which I think is a little telling.

It would definitely help to know if there’s a history of bad blood between the LW and the SIL, or if the SIL has done this in the past. I’m torn because this is a pretty big event — I mean, the husband is planning to travel halfway across the country, so it doesn’t seem like this is some casual, last-minute, thrown-together party. I agree that the LW is a bit dramatic in the whole “this will unravel our marriage” thing, but I would be pretty pissed if my husband was going to take a substantial trip to go to a family event without me, and without even inquiring about it. I don’t agree that his attending the party is a no-brainer. If the LW’s exclusion isn’t warranted, it just sets the standard that it’s OK to exclude her from future events and they’ll meet with no resistance from their family member.

I can’t have an opinion without knowing why the LW was excluded. Clearly, she and the husband know that it was on purpose, but do they know why? If not, I assume there’d be some mention of surprise or confusion, and there is none.

This one is difficult because we don’t know enough to give a fair answer.

On the one hand, your spouse is your closest relationship and you should always have their back. Meaning, you don’t allow anyone to be rude or nasty to them.

On the other hand, most people aren’t excluded for no reason and we have no idea why you were excluded. If you cause problems when you are with his family then being excluded is justified.

So, in my mind, if you are being excluded for no good reason then he should stick up for you and not go. If you are being excluded because you’ve earned it, he should go by himself, if he wishes and you should hope he has a fun weekend.

This shouldn’t undermine the entire integrity of you marriage. You should have a better foundation than that but constant, endless slights do take a toll on a marriage and can break it over time. So be honest with yourself about why you’ve been excluded. If you deserve being excluded work on yourself. If you don’t deserve it then be glad there is geographic distance between you and them and talk to your husband about establishing boundaries with his family. Marital counseling might be helpful in getting to the bottom of this and helping you both to see what is fair. Usually no one is perfect and the fault will lie somewhere in the middle.

Yes — it was rude of them to not invite you. (It was rude from where I stand, with the info that was given to me in your letter.) But I’m sure there must be some reason why you weren’t included. Whether your SIL is just mean and doesn’t like you, or whether you’ve done something so off-putting to her that she doesn’t want you around on her birthday. Either way, you weren’t invited and your husband was. Tough.

There’s not a lot you can do about it, but I love the suggestion of a phone call after; once your husband gets back from the party. Make a quick call to your SIL and tell her you heard the dinner was really nice and you just wanted to call and wish her a happy birthday. That’s all you need to say. It’s polite, it shows you aren’t feeling vindictive about the whole thing. Whether you’re the reason for the snub or she is… stepping up and being kind from here on out can only help matters.

I think the fact that the OP hasn’t included one single possible reason for the lack of an invitation is pretty telling. I mean, why not say “my SIL and I had a terrible fight”, or “my husband’s family has never liked me”, or…well…something? Or “I can’t imagine why they’d exclude me, everything seemed fine the last time we got together.”

If I thought everything was fine between my SIL and I, or my husband’s family and I, and out of the blue I was not invited to a family celebration, my first thought would not be “Alas! The integrity of my marriage is threatened!” It would be “what the heck did I do to offend them so much?”

I admit that this is a lot of reaching on my part, but it almost seems as if she’s not giving us the backstory on purpose….she wants to make this all about her husband going without her, and not about the possible reasons why.

I don’t think you’re reaching. The LW can’t go into these dramatics about cracks in her marriage and expect people to be on her side without justifying why the exclusion is unfair (and I think it has to be a REALLY bad reason, like race or religion or the in-laws being abusive, for her to be this upset).

LOL…..all that was missing from the original letter was an “alas”. 🙂 When you’re going on about “breaking down the integrity of my marriage” and “my relationship is the foundation of my life”, you need an “alas”.

Yeah, I feel like there’s been a few letters like this & there’s always SOME kind of hint— “We just got married a year ago & the family never warmed to me….” seems to be a common reason. If that’s the case here, I can definitely see the rudeness. But there’s nothing in the letter. Nothing!

Also, storytime because—although it’s not totally similar—I keep thinking about it: A few years ago, my uncle was dating this married woman. Our family felt sort of uncomfortable around her, but she was still invited to events & everyone was polite. But then one day, she had a little freakout where she told us all how rude we were , & somehow we never made her “feel welcome”. My mom wound up calling her to smooth things over, & she called my mom a bitch. So basically, she’s not invited anymore!

I have to wonder if it isn’t something like this. If she was the affair that broke up her husband’s previous marriage (which we don’t know if there was one) and he has kids from that marriage who will be at the party then I can see his family refusing to invite her. They would want to protect the kids from the emotional pain of seeing their dad with his affair wife.

I find it convenient that the LW left out why she and the SIL aren’t speaking and why she feels she wasn’t invited. I agree with Wendy 100% that it doesn’t affect the “foundation” of your marriage. Nonsense.

At the end of the day it sounds like there are divided loyalties…and as a wife, I believe it is important to support your husband, even when you don’t agree with him. LW, did it ever occur to you that you will not be able to change your husband’s mind?? Instead, you might try taking the high road and say something along the lines of, “I’m so hurt that your sister didn’t invite me. We have some issues there, but you know what, I really believe that it’s important to maintain important relationships. Please bring this gift for me, and express that I was upset I wasn’t invited. I would have loved to go with you as your wife.”

Guess what that would do? Make his sister look like a jerk and then there would be no reason for you two not to patch things up. But your attitude doesn’t take the long view. It takes the petty short view. Is this party SO AWESOME you need to cause some huge problem over it? Screw it. Let your husband go, plan a girls’ weekend, and take a spa day!

…And for god sakes, these are your in-laws. Don’t cause trouble on top of trouble…. be the bigger person.

But what if the background story is the in-laws have been horrible to LW for years and her husband has done NOTHING to defend her, ever, except to tell her to suck it up. And now his pussy ways [can I say that here?] is causing him to abandon his wife for the weekend, travel to Chicago to party, spend money on airfare and whatnot, … and she has absolutely no say because it’s his family? I’d be pissed!

I totally see your point, Addie, but at the same time, even if that is the case, she shouldn’t give her SIL more occasion to prove her right. Sometimes when someone is being a total douche, you just gotta sit back and allow them to show their cards.

It’s not so different in families. At least not in my experience! If you are calm enough to take the high road, usually you are clear enough to set boundaries….and if her hubby is just being rude and hopping on the bandwagon (if that is what’s going on) then it will be clear to her. However, since she is so defensive, it’s my guess that is not what is going on.

Great response, Wendy! I hope LW thinks long and hard about all your follow up questions. And I *really* would like LW to respond here with more info – a lot more info, right now. I want the whole history of the LW, her husband, and her in-laws. … I really don’t want to do work today so spill it, LW!

God damnit, now I have some work to do. LW, when I come back later today I want to see more details, ok? Because when I think about all the possible background stories here, my advice ranges from “divorce your husband, you deserve better” to “divorce your husband, he deserves better” and lots of things inbetween. … Ok, buddy, now spill it.

Take the high road. Your husband loves his family and has a right to spend time with them with and without you. Obviously things don’t go as well when you are there since you aren’t upset that you didn’t get invited- just that your husband is going. Do you really want to go to the party or do you just want your husband to stay home? If it’s the latter then you are just being petty and adding fuel to the fire. Family is important, especially when a person makes an effort in their adult lives to keep their family together so even if you don’t like your husband’s family, let him enjoy them.

Even if there’s no bad blood between the LW and the SIL, maybe one of the other in-laws is horrible and in order to exclude that person, the SIL has to exclude all spouses.

Maybe her MIL has mama’s boy issues and made it sound to the SIL like the LW would never be willing to come all the way to Chicago for a party in order to get her special boy to come out by himself.

Maybe the SIL thinks they wouldn’t be able to afford the tickets and only invited her brother in an effort to spare them embarrassment….

so many fun possible conspiracy theories! But I guess I’m the only one here who doesn’t think it’s really that big of a deal or that married couples don’t always have to be invited to everything together.

oh i like the first theory. that is a pretty legit thing, and if i remember right we have had letters about that before

i mean, maybe this really is a small, *specifically* family only gathering. no in-laws, no cousins-by-marriage, no friends, ect.. which is really stupid, to me, im a more the merrier kind of person, but im sure those kinds of people exist.

If that’s the case, where SIL refuses to invite “new” family members, SIL is a crappy person. If there truly is no reason for not inviting the LW, I don’t even know what to say. Highly doubt it though.

Yeah, I would be offended if my fiance’s family considered me an outsider after we’re married. When you get married, you ARE family, blood or not (let’s hope for not). It’s a possible explanation for sure, but it’s shitty nonetheless.

you guys remember that one wedding letter about that? the husband’s family member was getting married in a very small ceremony, so small that only immediate family was invited? the LW was all pissed off about it.. i dont remember what what we said though.

and yea, ill agree its shitty -id never do that, like i said- but if thats who she wants at her birthday party…

Awesome! Looks like responded at the end of the letter! Ended up that after everyone turned out to be pissed (both sides of family, many people bugging the bride and groom) they caved and changed their minds….

Oh yeah, that letter does sound familiar. The wedding situation seems especially odd because weddings are where two people become a family, so to excluse someone else’s spouse on the basis of them not being family at an event where you are becoming a family with your SO is pretty hilariously hypocritical.

My advice is a bit different. I don’t care what the LW did, her husband married her and brought her into his family and it is inexcusably rude for the SIL to not invite her to this party and for her husband to incur travel costs, etc. to go without her. He should say no, even if the SIL has a totally valid reason for not inviting his wife. The point is the LW is his wife and that loyalty has to come first. And, if the LW is so awful that the husband totally gets why no one in his family wants to see her, then that’s a marital issue they need to address. And, if the husband’s family is so awful that they’d exclude someone like this with no real justification, that’s an issue to be addressed, too. But, on this one, he married the LW, he’s still married to her and he owes her the loyalty of declining the invitation. Married unit, common front, “our” family, for better or worse and all that jazz.

And, for what it’s worth, if the SIL had written in and said the LW was a terrible, no good rotten person who she loathed and she just wanted to invite her brother to her party and not his wife, my advice would have been that like her or not, the LW is her brother’s wife and the SIL has to respect that. Either invite them both or don’t invite either of them.

So if the LW slapped the SIL’s child and berated her MIL to the point of tears, she should still be welcome? Actions have consequences. If the LW did something to make herself unwelcome then that’s on her. While the default position is to support your spouse, certainly you don’t go along with bad behaviour just because it is your spouse. No one should compromise their integrity or their sense of right or wrong for someone else.

My answer remains the same in that the husband should not go, although I’d modify it to the SIL and say just don’t invite either of them. Not because the LW should be welcome – in your scenario, she understandably is not. Not because the LW’s behavior is remotely okay – it certainly isn’t. But because the husband chose the LW, and chose to stay married to her. She has to be his priority in the Should-I-Go-To-A-Party-My-Spouse-Wasn’t-Invited-To situation. It’s not life and death; it’s not a matter of never seeing someone again. It’s a party. And, it sucks for the husband, but that’s the way I see it. And, if your scenario is the case, he should demand that his wife get some serious counseling and mend the rifts she has torn in their family. Really, if this is all on the LW, and I get we’re all assuming it is, but it may not be, her husband should demand that she do whatever it takes to mend fences anyway. And, if it’s the family’s problem, then he should decline to support their efforts to exclude the person he chose to marry and spend his life with.

So if I disagree with my spouse my options are to support him or divorce him? Just because he stayed married to her doesn’t wed him to share in the consequences of HER choices. He has his own consequences since lord knows he doesn’t want to be in the middle of his family and his wife. It may just be a party or it may be about the relationship with his sister. That isn’t a small deal. But I agree that the husband should help in the mending of fences if the SIL and wife can’t fix it themselves.

Did anyone else notice that the husband is traveling from Boston to Chicago to go to this birthday party? That is pretty far out of the way to go to something your spouse wasn’t invited to. I do agree that there’s probably a reason the LW wasn’t invited (even though it’s almost always a faux-pas not to invite a spouse, except for the reasons GG said). But the husband is definitely in the wrong for choosing to go to this party without his wife.

I don’t think it’s wrong for the LW to want her husband to show some allegiance to her. It doesn’t mean she’s insecure in her marriage. It’s just a generally accepted part of being married. I don’t think it compromises the integrity of the marriage, but it does put a wedge between the husband and the wife where he could have used the opportunity to solidify how much he cares for her. I would think this if the party was just across town, but this is halfway across the country! He’s using their money to travel out there, depriving her of whatever his chores are while he’s at home, etc. The wife is having to stay home while her husband basically goes on a vacation without her, which seems very wrong in this circumstance.

I have a wonderful husband, but I do not get along with his family. There’s been many an occasion when I’ve been excluded from “family” events in the past (for birthdays to weddings), and while it’s always insulting, at this point, 10 years into the relationship and 5 years into our marriage, I’m happy to let him go visit on his own. I understand or rather know some of the multi-layered excuses and reasons they give themselves for excluding me from events, but it doesn’t make it right. It’s still the sting it’s meant to be, but the sting is losing its bite as the years pass and I am less concerned with their acceptance, refusing to have their disapproval of me be a reflection of who I am.

My husband and I have had many discussions on what’s behind their treatment of me and us as a couple, and he’s right- what ever reason they give themselves for not liking me, they’re just not going to change until they are ready to change, and forcing all of us, myself included, to sit together for events I’m clearly not wanted at and to which I don’t really want to go doesn’t make our relationship stronger, doesn’t bring any of us closer to acceptance. My husband and I pretty much go with the philosophy of whoever’s family it is gets to decide how we deal with them. His family, his veto, he gets to chose. Sure, I give my opinion, and sometimes he decides to go along with what I’m thinking, but ultimately, I let him deal with his peeps and I deal with mine. How I feel about their rejection is something I work on myself. It’s not longer a source of deep pain the way it was many years ago.

LW, I would urge you to let your husband go on his own to the party- heck, I’d even buy the sister a pretty little gift and send it along- twist that knife in the wound! Kill her with kindness!! Do not make him choose between his wife and his sister, it turns you from victim to villain. In the end, your husband wants a relationship with his sibling, for better of worse. Sure, she’s a bitch to you, but don’t be a bitch back to your husband because she’s hurting you. You can clearly state that you wish he’d stay home with you to make it clear that you guys are a unit, but that’s not what he wants to do. He doesn’t need to stay home with you for him to know you guys are a unit. Just don’t make this more difficult on him than it already is.

Now, this is my opinion because this is his sister. If this was a friend dissing you, I’d be all over not letting your husband go. I ended a friendship with a friend who didn’t invite my husband to her wedding. Couples are a unit. Family gets a pass on some stuff, but friends need to know better are aren’t truly friends.

My situation is sort of similar to yours, but not as drastic. My FSIL has never liked me, and has done whatever she could to undermine me and try to end our relationship. Because she’s the family favorite, that treatment is expanded to me by most of his family.

The difference is, I expect him to stand up for me with his family. They have made ridiculous requests of him (like contributing to their bills when we have student loans and a house down payment to save up for), including using his vacation time to clean their attic and him to spend weekends taking care of his grandparents, who refuse to accept Medicaid nursing assistance and insist on family care only.

Those aren’t ridiculous requests. Those are things that families do for each other. My brother helped his in-laws with bills because they needed it, even though he is saving money for basic things, like a car and a house. I am using my vacation this year to help my sister move across the country for her new job. My mom is old enough for Medicare and she is having a big surgery soon, but why would we have her get nursing assistance when we could help her with the things she needs? It sounds like you resent the time and effort that he spends on his family, and that is just really sad. Perhaps that is one reason why FSIL doesn’t like you so much. Family tends to be able to see those things.

This is completely cultural. My family would never expect, or even request those types of things of me. It would be quite the adjustment if I ended up with a man who’s family was this demanding. It’s important to be open and understanding of other peoples ideas of family and what it means to them and integrate that into your relationships. Just making a blanket statement “that’s what families do for each other” is not true for all families.

Agreed! It makes me sad to think that families are so fractured that asking for help is seen as ridiculous. I mean, we all have limits but short of a situation like that one letter about the sister getting pregnant by my (ex)husband type actions, my sister will always have a roof over her head as long as I have one to give.

I think ensuring that your family isn’t homeless is drastically different from requesting that they spend your vacation time cleaning their attic. While I would never let my family starve, I would also not expect that they give up their time to do things for me that I should be capable of dealing with myself (ie. paying my own bills and getting medical care). Again, I just suggested that this depends on the culture of your family (when I say culture I don’t mean ethnicity). Some families are very dependent on each others and others encourage independence. I just happen to come from a family that values independence and self reliance over “family means everything”. It’s not a good or bad thing, it just is.

CORRECTION: Those are things that SOME families do for each other, not all. In fact in my family this would be more than a ridiculous request unless it was for an emergency emergency, it would be an insult… we take care of each other, not enable each other to make bad decisions or fail to plan.

how annoying is it that this lw doesnt tell us why shes being excluded. she definitely knows.

anyway, i would tell her to be the bigger person and try to fix this mess. if youre planning on being married a long time, its best to get along with the inlaws. im sure theres a solution to this but you left out the why so we cant give you the how.

I find it hard to believe LW doesn’t know why she was excluded. She didn’t even say “I’m not sure why his sister would do this” she said it’s gone “unaddressed” which makes me think she knows EXACTLY why the SIL excluded her, and that it’s probably for a good reason. And people who refuse to address issues like that? They tend to be a bit unhinged. And that line about the “integrity” of her marriage is just flippen weird. Maybe the SIL doesn’t want a crazy person at her party.

I think it’s rude and awkward, but I really wish the LW had told us the full story. Sorry, but this letter gives me n-o-t-h-i-n-g. All I can do is make assumptions.

Take the high road. You don’t want to make this a messier situation. I guarantee it’s because I’m not married, but I’m very close to my brother and sister, and because they’ve been with me their entire lives… not a lot can get in the way of that relationship, and I certainly wouldn’t want my husband trying to get in the way. Granted, I have a close enough relationship that I can ask, will ask and wouldn’t have an issue telling my brother or sister that they’re being assholes for not inviting him… so I genuinely think that there are a lot of underlying/past issues that the LW has conveniently left out.

Oh so hard to give advice without more information. I always imagine I’m giving advice to one of my friends after reading letters and I feel like the first question I would ask is, WHY do you think you weren’t invited. And secondly I would ask them if this was one of those issues that was worth it. So many ‘little’ issues come up in marriage. Some are worth putting your foot down about, and some just aren’t. Some by putting your foot down create large issues that could have been avoided by saying I’m going to let this little thing roll off my back.

By letting your husband go, you’re not showing the sister and your in-laws that they’ve won or that they have a chance at hurting your marriage. It’s the exact opposite! You’re showing them that you’re comfortable enough with your husband and your marriage to know when someone isn’t worth starting a fight between the two of you.

Maybe your in-laws are awful people who treat you like crap and your husband never does anything to defend you. If that was the case however, I feel like you might have mentioned it. The lack of details are very telling in situations like this.

Well I agree with you that her husband going doesn’t mean that the SIL has “won” anything, but I don’t think letting him go shows that their marriage is good. To me all it shows his family is that they can still see him whenever they want even if they exclude his wife. They get the best of both worlds in that scenario.

I guess my question is, is that the case, is it just the SIL who causes issues? Does the rest of the family exclude her? (I guess in my response I was assuming it is just the SIL, but like everything else in this letter we really don’t know!) If they don’t it really is just an issue with this SIL and in that case it is worth it? Is it worth him not going and adding to this fight at this point? I think like Wendy said things need to be smoothed over between the two of them, but after the party. Why cause more issues before? And a potential fight with your husband?

I think the situation is crappy but we really don’t know enough from her letter to tell whether it’s her being crappy or the SIL (or his entire family…). Or if this is a one time thing or happens all the time. And like someone above said, he can let his family know when he goes that he doesn’t appreciate the fact that she was excluded and he thinks it’s rude.

Yeah, we really don’t have a lot of information to go on here. To me the question isn’t “Is it worth him not going and adding to the fight?” The question for me is “Is it worth him going (which entails quite a travel) when it could cause problems with his wife, and his absence could easily be explained by the distance?”

But the husband has already decided to go, whether or not he should, and the LW is just going to have to deal with that in the best way she can, I guess.

“WHY do you think you weren’t invited” That is an excellent point jlyfsh. Did the SIL mention the party on the phone to her brother and say soemthing like “Oh, I’m having a party, you should come!” and the LW took that as she wasn’t invited or where there formal invitations mailed out and the one that shows up to their house only had the husband’s name on it? Those are two vastly different instances and in example #1 the LW could be HUGELY blowing this out of proportion if the SIL just spoke wrong/phrased it in a strange way. If maybe she meant “you” to mean “you both” or “you two”.

I was thinking too more like what is going on between you and this SIL in why to though. Although, like you said unless it was made blatantly clear that the LW was not invited I would probably have assumed that being his wife I was expected to show up (I guess I’m not used to formal invites to birthday parties…usually my friends do evites or emails and one of just says plus 1). Which indicates more and more that there is something more at play between the LW and his family, that she knows or thinks she wasn’t invited. And if this is a continual thing, then she does need to bring it up, with her husband and figure out a way to work through things. The more I think about this letter the more questions I have!

This is what I was wondering as well! How does she know she wasn’t invited? As the wife, I would assume I was invited, indicating that a conversation took place where it was made known that she was specifically not invited, or that something so terrible has occurred between her and the in-laws that she knows she wasn’t (and, assumably, isn’t invited to any family functions), which is the problem that really needs to be addressed.

I was thinking the same thing! How do you invite someone to a family function without inviting their spouse?! Isn’t it kind of a given that you get invited to things together? Otherwise, how does the SIL have the balls to call up her brother, invite him to her b-day party, “but, oh, by the way, please make sure you DON’T bring your wife – she is definitely not invited.”

See, if my fiance left me home to go on a “family vacation” without me, it would show them that they won. I imagine that this situation is similar; SIL gets what she wants, and LW gets to feel like an ass.

I would like to know more, like why her husband hasn’t inquired about her exclusion.

i agree. by not making a fuss about the husband going, the LW will be taking the high road, and above all, be telling the family that what they do doesnt personally effect her, which it shouldnt anyway.

it sucks that families dont get along, but it happens.. it sucks when new family members dont get along, but it happens. sometimes you just have to live and let live, you know? drawing unnecessary lines in the sand is just making the problem worse and worse for everyone involved. it becomes a tug of war with the husband/brother as the rope, and then no one wins.

Not true at all. First she is not letting her husband go. Her husband has already decided to go over her objections. The family likely already knows this or will find out. So, in that sense, yes SIL has won, she has caused LW and her husband to fight and created the situation where husband has accepted her invitation against his wife’s wishes. LW is really left with two basic choices: allow husband to implement his decision to attend without her with good grace from this point forward, or continue fighting with him about. Both choices are of course nuanced by the possibility of husband calling his sister and saying he would like his wife to be invited and asking why she wasn’t. But it sounds like husband is going regardless and also sounds like husband will not succeed in convincing his sister to invite LW.

Obviously, as some have surely suggested — it is rather rare to be so obviously excluded from something unless you truly deserve it. And from the pointed, clipped vagueness of the letter here, it is quite obvious (to me) that the LW knows damn well WHY she was excluded but has deliberately chosen NOT to tell us. (Gee, I wonder why…) And that speaks volumes in my book… Look, it’s bad enough. LW, that you’ve already destroyed your own relationship with your sister in law — but demanding now that your husband do the same? For shame…

Not as rare as all that. Quite common when the family strongly objects to their family members choice of mate — wrong religion, wrong skin color, wrong socio-economic status, wrong political views, gay. The family hopes to drive a wedge, break up the marriage, and redirect their family member in a direction they deem more appropriate.

The LW sounds like she doesn’t even care whether she goes to this birthday or not, just that her husband is going without her. Quite pathetic if you ask me. There is obviously a reason why she wasn’t invited and judging by the comments the LW made, I can see why. Why does her husband have to ask his sister why she wasn’t invited, why can’t the LW just grow some ladyballs and ask herself if it is such a big deal. It’s not the end of the world if you spend one evening apart from your spouse. The LW came across as snobbish, entitled and demanding. I wouldn’t have invited her either.

Who the hell expects their brother to fly across the country for a “small 40th birthday dinner”? Sorry, adults who make a big deal out of their birthday annoy me. I’m not saying dont celebrate but Boston to Chicago, really? When I turned 40 I had some drinks with a few friends, I certainly wouldn’t have been offended or upset at anyone who didn’t want to come for any reason, because my birthday is not a big deal.

Enjoy 35, because when it is in the rearview mirror it’s worse… my thirties are slipping away, which means my 20s were so long ago… and now I’m depressed and the kids today have no idea how lucky they are!

honestly, its just an excuse for a party. usually by that time in your life, you have a mortgage, kids, whatever, stupid stuff that ties you down and doesnt let you just party whenever you want with whoever you want. by making a big deal out of a birthday, and inviting out of town people, you get to have a nice special time with all your friends and family!

I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of my birthday this year because 31 is such a dumb number, and then I realized that it’s the 10th anniversary of my 21st birthday, so I invited a bunch of friends to come out and drink with me. It was awesome because it was an excuse to get everyone together all at once, AND yes, a couple friends drove in from out of town. It made me feel special.

OH. And I got carded. Here’s the difference between 21 and 31: At 21 I say, “Yay! I didn’t get carded! I’m so awesome!” and at 31 I’m like, “What? I got carded?! I’m so awesome!”

Ehh actually, I agree with Amybelle for the most part. I love partying & all, & I make a big fuss over my friends’ and loved ones’ birthdays (with presents, drinks, verbally being excited), but it IS annoying when the birthday man/woman makes a big thing over his or her OWN birthday. Like…you’re an adult! Your friends and family are all adults! There’s no reason to put everybody out because you’re turning _____ old. There’s no reason to invite out-of-state friends— are you getting married? No? It’s just your birthday? Who the fuck do you think you are?

(hahaha sorry, I know I sound like a hag, but my bitterness mayyy be due to this one guy I know who ALWAYS wants to drag a group of 20 or so people somewhere 5 hours away, for an entire weekend, just because it’s his birthday. And then pouts when some can’t make it)

Actually, I agree with Amybelle and Fabelle only to this extent: Is is super annoying when the adult birthday girl or boy expects people to do so much for their birthdays. Have a party, fine, go nuts, but don’t get all sensitive if your friends don’t throw you a surprise party or don’t fly across the country to party with you or don’t get you presents. What annoys me the MOST is when people WANT to celebrate their birthdays but expect everyone else to initiate the party. You know those people – you ask them what they would like to do for their birthday and they are silent – then they pout and mope when a big party wasn’t thrown. My favorite people are ones that do this: I’M TURNING 33.5 AND WANT TO CELEBRATE MY SPECIAL DAY AT [WHEREVER] – I HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE! Boom. I will always go to that party. Hahaha.

haha, but that is what I mean! I guess there’s a fine line, but you KNOW it when you see it—I’m fine with people celebrating (like I said, I’m all for partying), but when they make it this giant, super-special thing that you BETTER attend OR ELSE, it’s kind of self-centered & annoying to me.

Ok, ok, we can be friends again. I agree with you about Those People. I just was thinking of my 30th and it was awesome having everyone in one place, many of them out of staters. In my defense, it was a surprise party.

Well I didn’t really mean that no adult should celebrate their birthday, but it’s not a big deal which is why the husband should stay home if the wife’s not invited (for any reason). But I don’t think his sister should be at all upset at him if he doesn’t fly 1000 miles for her birthday dinner, and I do think the wife has cause to be upset if he goes without her.

I’d like to know who issued the invite. Was it the sil or someone else in the family? Frankly, if my family excluded my husband, I wouldn’t go, but I’m crazy loyal like that. Especially for an adults birthday party.

I disagree with Wendy 100% for the first time ever. I think the Husband should NOT go to this party for his sister. I have two brothers and even if I did not like my SIL I would NEVER exclude them from an invite regardless of any incidents that occurred or “valid reasons” for the slight. I don’t care if his wife called me horrible names to my face, treated my parents with disrespect, tanked a job I was up for etc. You create more drama and stress for the family and most of all the brother/husband with this move. The person responsible for the invites did not invite her for a reason whether it is to cause strife in the marriage or trying to remove the drama LW may bring but in doing this they are causing drama in and of itself.

I would not expect nor respect a decision if my brother chose to leave his wife home and travel for this party. If I was the LW and my husband made the decision to go well that to me says a lot about the respect, and value he places on our relationship.

You would invite someone even if they behaved threateningly to you or someone you love (like your SO or your parents or a kid) or if they had a violent criminal conviction or if they’d actually hurt someone else you’re inviting? Really?

I’d like to know who issued the invite. Was it the sil or someone else in the family? Frankly, if my family excluded my husband, I wouldn’t go, but I’m crazy loyal like that. Especially for an adults birthday party.

P.S. is their anything more agonizingly embarrassing then being sung Happy Birthday to in a restaurant? Or is that just me?

I have a very demanding sister that tends to grate on my fiance’s nerves. They are very similar personalities. Strong opinions and quick tempers. This summer my sister invited me on a trip with her but did not invite my fiance. His response? “thank god!” Why even bother attending an event if it’s going to be awkward or miserable? I don’t think this has to be the giant issue of “loyalty” that some have made it out to be. We tell LWs all the time that they don’t have to include people in their lives that they feel are “toxic”. Since we have no information about why this LW was exluded, we have to assume there is some kind of bad blood (or else she wouldn’t have been so hurt right??) So by that logic, your SIL has every right to invite whomever she wants. Of course in a perfect world both of you could set aside your differences, but either you or her has caused some kind of a problem and it’s that person’s responsibility to repair the relationship (not your husbands). So let your husband go to the party, stop pitting him against his family, and stop basing the stability of your marraige on his willingness to dump his family for you. He didn’t write those invitations, so there is really no reason to make it about him. You also can’t change his family (or the fact that he maintains a relationship with them.) Let him go spend time with them and be thankful that you don’t have to partake in a boring small birthday dinner with some people that it sounds like you don’t really enjoy! (side note: I’m a bit of an introvert so I would have been happy to have an excuse to skip what sounds like a dull evening with in laws…)

I’m surprised no ones asked this, but are you *sure* you’re not invited?

In my family/friends we are pretty informal, so even it’s not explicit plus ones are always assumed to be invited. In fact the only times things are explicit is if someone is NOT invited.

So how was hubby invited? Was there a fancy invitation addressed just to him, or did sis call his cell and tell him to be available on her birthday weekend without making it clear the message was meant for the two of you?

Does anyone remember the Dear Prudence where a woman was getting sick after eating at her MIL’s house every time and in a follow up switched the gravy tureens with her husband and then her HUSBAND got sick and blamed her for trying to poison him? And she immediately left and filed for divorce?

Sometimes extended family is just evil. I am lucky that my husband’s family is nice. But I wonder what would happen if LW just showed up for the dinner in Chicago if she really didn’t do anything to warrant the exclusion? Or she insisted to her husband that she went to Chicago too? IF it were just an oversight, then she could say “Oh, I thought because I am MARRIED to John that I was invited too!!!!!!” Could be fun!

When a spouse is excluded from a family event, it may very well be due to poor behavior such as provoking an argument when drunk. But it is also possible that the LW is being excluded even though she did nothing “wrong”. For example, the husband’s family may dislike her because she is of a different race, religion or culture. Family dysfunction could also be a factor here. My step-siblings hated my mother, and for 30 years excluded me from family events in spite of my efforts to develop relationships and get along. Just last year, my brother did not invite me to his son’s wedding. Although I am far from perfect, I did nothing “wrong”.

Readers from more normal families may have trouble fathoming the depth of the dysfunction in my family, and may assume that I must be at fault because only very serious issues would cause them to act in such a mean fashion. In conclusion, I am saying that we do not have enough information to know why the LW was excluded or whether she needs to make amends for poor behavior. I wish her luck because her husband’s refusal to stand up for her and give her guidance on how to get along with his family is going to create major problems in her marriage.

Wow – thanks so much for all the great comments! I’m floored by all the wisdom. I’ve never written to an advice column before and found Wendy by Googling for advice. I would have chimed in much earlier but I’m only just now reading the responses after getting my kids to bed.

So, in all honesty, I have NO idea why I’m not invited. My SIL is a wonderful person. I love her and I love all my in-laws, crazy as that sounds. She’s been coolish (can’t say cold) to me for several years but we live far apart and don’t see each other much so I always just told myself that I was being silly or paranoid and imagining some aloofness from her that didn’t really exist. But now, with this invitation, my feelings have been confirmed. I can only guess that I must have done something to offend her but I’ve racked my brain and truly have no idea what it was. It stings horribly that she didn’t invite me (some people mentioned that I wasn’t hurt about that, but I am)…but the real hurt for me is that my husband is going to the party knowing that I feel completely left out. I feel a bit like the rug — or at least a corner of the rug — has been pulled out from under me.

I see how I may have sounded extreme by saying that my husband’s acceptance of this invitation shakes the integrity of our marriage. I guess it’s because I feel so terrible about not being invited but yet he is still choosing to go. I feel like I got the 1-2 punch: no invite for me and hubby knows this is wrong and rude but goes anyway.

In the end, I don’t want my husband to choose between his family and me. I’ve told him my feelings and I do feel that my role is now to take the high road and not be petty. I love the idea of sending a gift and following up with a call to my SIL.

Thanks again for all your input! This really has helped me think about the issue from different viewpoints.

LW, just to echo the question others have had above, how do you know for sure you weren’t invited? Was it a formal invitation through the mail addressed only to your husband? A phone call specifying you weren’t invited? Could it possibly in any way be an oversight, or could she have assumed that you two would know you were also invited?

Are you sure you’re not invited? I mean, I could certainly see myself reaching out to just my brother to tell him about a party and ASSUMING OF COURSE his wife would come.

How did she invite your husband, anyway? Did she send a card addressed to him that said NO GUESTS or something? Or did she simply call up your husband and say “hi bro so i’m having a party and you should totally come out!” – was that it?

Or maybe she’s having a trolley party and one person canceled, so she said “hey bro I know you were thinking of coming out to Chi sometime, maybe you could come the weekend of my birthday because a seat opened up on the trolley – but sadly just one seat”?

And if you were expressly NOT invited and you have no idea why she is snubbing you, if that happened to me I’d be SO SO SO worried that I did something to offend her. I’d call her and say “hey are we ok?!”

Hey LW, just wanted to say that a) I’m excited that you updated because we were all curious! and b) it’s cool of you to be gracious and thank everyone for the advice when so many of us, myself included, were pretty critical of you. I did think your first letter sounded suspiciously dramatic, but maybe that was lack of detail; from everything you’ve said here you seem to be handling the situation with grace and cordiality. Which might lead to mended fences, who knows? Best of luck!

The invite came to my husband via text and it was then followed up with a phone call telling him the specifics (date, other people attending, etc). It wasn’t an invitation in the mail. My husband’s opinion is that a mailed invitation would have been really bad, but that the text method was only kind of bad. I’m definitely not invited, that’s clear from my husband, although he hasn’t expressly asked my SIL why I’m not invited. I haven’t asked him to do that because I don’t want to put him in that spot. I feel like if anyone is going to say anything to her, it should be me.

Hmmm… is it possible that they used to kick it together with mutual friends and she kind of just was hoping to reconnect and party – and hey what better way to do that than her upcoming bday? … Sorry, I keep asking you questions. (I was bored today.) I think it all goes back to what Wendy said – have discussion(s) with your husband about the fact that this incident has shaken you to the core and caused you to doubt the foundation of your marriage.

I have to wonder, also, if it’s actually your husband doing this and not the SIL? A call to the SIL will LIKELY clear it up. If it was her decision not to invite you, hopefully she’d explain why. Otherwise, she might be as surprised as you were to find out you weren’t invited by your husband. It’s possible that sibling loyalty, however, would tell her to assist her brother in covering up the fact that it was HIM that preferred you not go. Do any other commenters wonder if it’s the husband orchestrating this and not the SIL?

Yeah, after reading the clarifications the LW wrote (thanks, LW!), I’m also HIGHLY suspicious that maybe the husband wants to go by himself…for whatever reason? It just seems very odd that he’d tell her she’s definitely *not* invited, & then not even try to ask why? LW, I’d look into this a bit more!

Yeah…it’s not sitting well with me that you’re husband doesn’t want you to go either. I would maybe get it if it was a “guys weekend” or something…but a family birthday party? LW, I think you should either flat out ask your husband what the f is going on or call your SIL and ask her what the f is going on.

I still think something about this is odd. It sounds like there’s no obvious reason why you aren’t included, and no concrete proof that you’re not invited. I know that if I invited my brother to something, it would be assumed that his wife would be invited. I think your husband needs to ask his sister SPECIFICALLY in no uncertain terms, if you’re invited. If he’s not willing to do that, then I think something fishy is going on. He doesn’t need to make a big deal out of it- just call her up and say “hey, I was making my flight arrangements and wanted to double check before I booked the tickets, LW’s invited to the dinner, right?”

” I’m definitely not invited, that’s clear from my husband, although he hasn’t expressly asked my SIL why I’m not invited. I haven’t asked him to do that because I don’t want to put him in that spot.”

Can I just say LW, that I feel so sorry for you that you see this as putting your husband in a bad spot… whereas I would have hoped beyond hope that my husband wouldn’t need my prodding to try and include me in family events. it is really fishy. I go back on what I wrote earlier, I think you should contact the SIL directly and express some honesty… I mean best case scenario it was a misunderstanding and your husband is a bit of a pushover, medium case is that your SIL is a nuts control freak and your husband is ok with that… worst case is that there is something else going on in Chicago.

Whatever way you have to find out, esp since you confirmed that you do have children so I guess your hubby’s fun family weekend means you get to stay at home and care for the kids!?! Total BS.

Seriously. If something like this was going on with my husband’s family, it would be the first thing out of my mouth, and he would be on the phone. (And he probably wouldn’t need me to even ask.) This makes it sound like something is “off” in a marriage, when one person is this upset and can’t even talk to their spouse about it. It makes me wonder what else gets swept under the rug in the interest of maintaining a false harmony.

I have to say that something does sound a little fishy here…. does your husband go to Chicago on business? Is he perhaps having an affair with someone there? Did you actually SEE the text? I might even call your SIL before the party to find out what is up – or to finalize flight arrangements as if you ARE going…then you can suss out whether your husband is not being truthful with you. The fact that he is not supporting you here is a bit fishy. Shame on your husband!!!!!

This is a short letter and how slighted you feel by the sister depends on the context of the snub… did you guys have a fight? Have you never gotten along? Do you always invite her to similar events? I dunno, feel offended by that, perhaps. BUT. Making this so about your marriage is weird. Honestly the way you write about your marriage… to me that is so unappealing. You sound really co-dependant. It’s hard for me to imagine a healthy marriage wherein the two people absolutely could not go anywhere without the other without it “breaking down the integrity” of the marriage.

I could understand getting really pissed about this, both with the SIL and the husband. Not cool at all. From what LW says in the comments, it sounds like she accidentally and unknowingly offended SIL or SIL is just a passive-aggressive beyotch. No drunken rants or anything dramatic. This is an out of state party, and to only invite her brother…Yikes. My advice would be for LW to calmly confront SIL and be prepared to perhaps not like what she hears…Maybe jot some notes down, and call her up. Because this is just going to get worse when LW has kids, for future Holidays, etc. Better to nip this in the bud.

Related story: About four years ago, my cousin’s wife had a brief affair and everyone in my small extended family pretty much found out (long CW channel/soap opera type story in its ridiculousness). Anyway, my cousin decided to stay with his wife after a separation of several months…I know a few people encouraged him to leave her, but pretty much everyone just said “I’ll support whatever you decide to do.” Everyone acted like adults, because it was his decision and in the end it wasn’t truly our business. Basically, people made their point and moved on. She was invited to family birthday parties, dinner, holidays, etc. Some people were kind of cold, but everyone was polite and made an effort to re-include her…My point is, I never understood alienating or refusing to invite the significant other of a relative when it comes to family events unless said person is physically or emotionally abusive or prone to huge, drunken, racist tirades.

That said, I mean family events like major milestone birthday parties where people fly in out of state, big weddings (not small courthouse weddings or weddings where you only want to invite something like 12 people), holiday parties, etc. I do understand not including them for dinner parties, etc. if you find them irritating.

Now that I know that the LW has not committed an offense that calls for being disinvited, I feel very sorry for her because she has a major problem with her husband. If the sister-in-law is being passive aggressive about some minor offense, her husband should be standing up for her and trying to straighten out the problem. If he did not succeed, the LW would at least know that he tried and together they could make a decision about whether he should go to Chicago without her. Other readers also suggest the possibility that the husband is lying about her being invited, and that he wants to go to Chicago alone. This is a real possibility that also needs to be investigated.

Confrontation is never fun, but the LW needs to get to the bottom of this situation for her own personal integrity, and because the situation will escalate in the future. I think she should call the sister-in-law directly and try to find out whether there is a problem. Then she should also talk to her husband about how upset she is that he is not standing up for her. I wish her luck because she is going to need it.

Thank god for my husband! If his sister ever tried to pull off something like that he would tell her where to shove it! Then I wonder, are you sure you are not invited? That just seems so strange. In my family (and my husbands and most families I know) it just known that when one spouse is invited the other is too (and in my family even boyfriends/girlfriends). It is assumed you both will be there unless you state otherwise. If my MIL tells my husband about some party or family gathering I don’t have to call her and ask if I can come too. Same with friends. I thought that was like a given………….and yes even the most intimate family gathering ALWAY includes my husband and he is now a part of the family.

I found this blog because I am going through something dead on. My husband was invited to his sister’s high school graduation three hours away. it was known that their wasn’t enough tickets for me so I and our three children would have to stay back at the MIL house where there would be people there getting ready for the graduation party. His mother and I do not get along, however, I always respect her in her presences. so, instead of being around a bunch of people I do not know or my children (our children dont know her either, which is my problem with her) do not know. I planned a college tour to a school my oldest son was interested in to kill time and my husband and I meet up at the house after the graduation. less than twelve hours before we are to depart, he tells me that no one is going to be at the house and there is no where for the children to go. So not only was I not invited initially, I accepted that and made myself busy. Now you are not inviting the three children that are your grandchildren. So yes I feel my husband should not go because she is purposely trying to alienate me( This came from my husband aunt) which I do not care, but you are bringing my children in it and causing problems between my husband and I. All of a sudden it is so important that he is there. The whole ten years we have been married she never called him for any events involving his sister or else wise. All of a sudden it is so important that he is there but not his family. All of you have valid points……But sometimes, people are just pure evil…..

I LOATHE my nasty, manipulative sister-in-law, her redneck sons, and their not-very-bright offspring, and must avoid discussions about them with my husband. You see, skanky sis reminds him of his nasty, manipulative mother who, upon death, achieved sainthood. Thankfully, we live far away from this SIL, and his other sister feels as I do about the Clampetts, so we have each other with whom to commiserate. If my love feels he must visit his awful sister, he is free to go with my best wishes — I’ll plan FUN things to do with friends, other family members, and grandchildren while he’s gone!