Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I read a story the other night in Mark 9 about a little boy who was plagued with demons his whole life.

Finally, the father takes his son to Jesus and begs him to help Him IF He can.

I couldn’t get past the word “if”…

Probably because I use that word. A lot.

Any of your prayers ever look like this

“Father, if it is your will, please bring me a husband..”

Ok maybe you aren't asking for a husband. But I'm gonna bet if you put something else in for husband, we'd have a winner.

Anyways, Jesus goes on to say “Anything is possible if a person believes.”

And the father replies with.. “I do believe! But help me overcome my unbelief”

That sounds pretty much like every prayer I prayed for the last 3 months.

Seriously.

Am I the only one that has had that horrific heart-hardening disease of unbelief?

Like your heart has been injected with selfishness and bitterness and greed?

It’s not that anything is wrong, but at the same time… everything is wrong.

You look in the mirror and cannot see the person who loves Jesus.

All you see is a person who is bitter and angry and hurt.

So you turn away.

Because looking reminds you that you’ve run so far you feel like you could never get back.

It’s just easier to pretend it isn’t there. That God’s not there.

He apparently doesn’t care right now anyways.

Maybe someone hurt you. Betrayed you. Left you. Misused you.

Maybe life handed you a seriously crappy hand. Those dreams you always had for your life? Gone in an instant.

Maybe you’re alone. Physically. Emotionally. Literally.

Maybe everyone else around you can praise God so easily while something inside of you is screaming that it hurts.

So this is what you do...

Sometimes you fake it. You pretend you’re fine. You go to church. You hang out with friends. Heck you even read the bible.

You maybe share with a friend that your grace filled heart has now turned to stone.

But at the end of the day, that bitterness and anger has hardened your heart so badly there is no way that anyone, anything, especially God could break through and make you who you were.

When people tell you that it will get better, that prayer and patience is the answer, you not only scoff… you kind of want to punch them..

I don’t know that there is an answer to this kind of brokenness.

Well one you want to hear.

Because the answer is Jesus.

And I’m laughing as I write that because 2 months ago, I would have punched myself for even CONSIDERING writing something about this.

But that’s also why I wasn’t writing.

Or answering emails.

Or reading my bible.

Or believeing that Jesus was the answer.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I cried out for God day and night. Angrily.

Asking Him what on earth I had done to end up here.

Because you may not know this, and this may piss you off, but in that moment… you could care less about God.

It’s all about you.

What’s happened to you.

Where you are. How you feel.

What you don’t have.

Why you can’t be like them.

God’s plan? Forget it. You don’t want any part of it unless you get something you want.

It’s selfish. It’s greed. It’s pride.

It’s not of God.

I kept crying out for God to remove my sin, because something in my heart was so hard that it kept me from life.

It was so painful.

Yet, it couldn’t be removed.

Because I couldn’t see that it had nothing to do with anything I was doing… but the attitude I had been choosing.

And I can’t tell you that I prayed for my selfishness to go away one time and it did.

It did not.

If anything I may have revolted even more.

But little by little, moment by moment, verse by verse and prayer by prayer… God chipped away at the hardened outer layer of stone on my heart.

Over time, it became easier to listen to worship music without thinking “this is ridiculous, these people obviously meant for this to be sung when you were happy..”

It became easier to talk about God and His love.

And even more so, it became easier to LISTEN about God and His love.

It became less about my happiness.

Not that I don’t still feel the way I do.

I’d be lying if some days I didn’t tell you I didn’t wake up and think.. “Can I have a husband today?”

Because I do.

A lot.

But I keep praying.

I pray that God’s love and grace will be enough.

Actually, I pray that it’ll be more than enough.

And for the most part it is.

It’s overwhelming.

And on the days its not, I pray for God to help me overcome my unbelief.

So the moral of the story is this: don't give up... don't stop seeking grace... cry out for God to overcome your unbelief.

It'll take time. But those walls will fall and your heart will soften with each verse, song, and drop of grace that will pour over you. I’m so thankful for a God that is not like us. That does not have moments of hardness and bitterness towards us.

And I’m thankful for grace. And peace. And love.

That’s when I need it most. And it’s the only thing that opens my heart. It what helps me overcome my unbelief.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

This is a rarity in the last 6 months so I have to take full advantage of it when I can.

In the last 2 weeks especially, I have worked every single week night.

Sadly though, most of my friends were busy or out of town on this particular Wednesday night that I had off from work.

Yet, I could not bear the thought of going home and sitting again. Whether I would be reading, watching tv, doing house hold chores that yes, did in fact need to be done... I didn’t want to be in my house alone. Again.

I like living alone for the most part. Kind of like being single, it has it good days and its bad.

Good days consist of being able to unwind peacefully when I’ve worked a 14 hour day.

Bad days are having no one to watch the terrible tv that I know I shouldn’t, but just can’t resist with on nights that I have off when I’ve worked continual 14 hour days.

So I did something I swore I would never, ever, ever, never, ever do.

Seriously.

I did it and I still get the heebee jeebes thinking about it.

I went to a movie all by myself.

To a single girl... in the south... who never anticipated nor wanted to be single at 25..... this is a big deal.

There are two things I have been deathly afraid of for about 4 years:

Eating alone at a restaurant.

And going to a movie in theaters alone.

But we’ve been over the fact that I couldn’t just sit at home again.. so I went.

And luckily Blue Like Jazz was playing in Chattanooga. And it is seriously one of my top 5 books of all time.

Since Thursday was going to be it’s last showing, I buckled down and decided to give in and go see it.

As I pull off the interstate to go to the theater, I start thinking about where to park.

The parking garage of course is validated for free by the theater, but I’ve seen too many horror flicks to park in a parking garage in the middle of the week and have to walk back there by myself.

That and every time I’ve been downtown lately in the middle of the week, the ratio of women walking around by themselves and creepy guys hanging out on the sidewalks is about 0:12.

Let’s be honest, just not safe.

So I park by the theater ($5 is worth the safety), and head inside. All the while, talking myself up.

“It’s fine. It’s totally fine. People do this ALL THE TIME. It’s not a big deal at all.”

Of course the cashier is totally adorable. It took everything in me not to say something like this:

“I don’t normally come here by myself. I have friends, they just happen to be all busy tonight. I have lots of friends. Just trying this out. PEOPLE DO THIS ALL THE TIME.”

Thankfully, something inside me stops myself.

After shelling out the $10 (praying this movie is worth it and now being fully committed to this journey since I payed $10 for a movie), I head to get popcorn.

The girl at the counter is overly friendly today. Granted there is no one else in the lobby so maybe she is bored. When she asks me if I would like butter on my popcorn, I almost tell her to just hold the popcorn and pour me some butter. I mean... I’m single. At the movies. ALONE.

This is the good part. Seriously.

I turn around to head off and, kid you not, fumble my popcorn bag about 3 times before completely losing all grip and dropping it, spilling popcorn all.over.the.floor.

Now, if I wasn’t already self conscious about coming to the movies alone, this just pushed me over the edge.

I wish I could make this stuff up. But I can’t.

Ask anyone who knows me... THIS IS MY LIFE.

I slowly turn, (I know sometimes people say they slowly turn, but this time.. I really did. I was afraid I’d crunch the popcorn and make an even bigger mess), and sure enough--because I’m the only person in there--both cute cashier and overly-happy-to-work-the-concessions girl are staring at me. With not happy looks on their faces.

I PROFUSELY apologize and beg them to let me clean up. But while one minute ago she was so friendly, now she is speaking like she may kill me.

It was my fault. I’m not saying it wasn’t. All the butter just got to me apparently. But come on, I was the only one there and there were about 2 cars in the parking lot. Wasn’t like it was the Hunger Games premier. (yes, I would know.)

So here I am in the theater.

And it’s just me.

I know I wanted to go see a movie by myself.. but come.on.

This is a bit extreme.

Laughable really.

God relishes and delights in pushing me farther than I want to go.

He knows that when He says go, and I say “ok!” and take a baby step.. He’s gonna have to push me off the cliff to get where He wants me to go.

At least I didn’t have to silence my phone.

Ok I may have anyways. I’m not the rebel type.

I watched the movie of one of my favorite books about losing yourself and finding God.

I laughed out loud. I cried silent tears. And I felt God speak to me.

When I first sat down, I plotted out how I would leave so that I wouldn’t have to see the cashier or concessions girl again.

I was so worried this whole time what people would think about me.

That poor single girl who has to go to the movies alone.

Because that’s how I felt.

I’ve spent my whole life caring what other people thought and over thinking how I think about myself and projecting it on to other people.

I.care.so.much.

I care about my appearance.

I care about my figure.

I care about my heart.

I care about my motives.

And I care how you see them.

And the way I feel about those things.. I tend to allow that to cover anything anyone else would say or feel about me.

Including God.

The last scene of this movie is completely and utterly riveting, heart wrenching, and a gut check for Christians.

And it made me see that I am ashamed of Jesus and the single girl He made me to be.

I am ashamed to allow Him to reveal those hidden parts of me that still scare me.

Therefore,I project MY thoughts, MY beliefs, and who I am on the world around me.

And I let those things control how I feel about myself and how I view others thoughts about me.

I was ashamed to go to that movie. Because I was ashamed to say that I’m single because God has allowed me to be single. And that I was lonely.. because God allowed me to be lonely so I would search for Him.

I’m in the process of rediscovering, yet again, who God is.

A deeper level of who He is, is being written on my life.

I took a challenge that night to get to know who He is a little bit better, by stepping into something I was ashamed of.

And when I left the theater, I walked out the front door.

And then I walked around the city for a little while to enjoy the beautiful summer evening.

And then I came home, and I sat outside in my yard.

Praying. Watching. Seeking.

Hoping that somewhere, up there in the stars that were circling in the blue like jazz, He’d rewrite Himself just a little bit more on my heart that night.

Monday, April 16, 2012

There were so many things I wanted to leave behind and so many things I wanted to do with my life, including figure out who I was away from the small town that I had grown up in.

So I chose a school that was far enough away to be on my own, and close enough that I could still be close to the comfort of home.

But I never went back.

Eight years later, and I still live in Chattanooga--by choice.

And it has truly become home to me.

Yet this past weekend, I had to go back to the place I grew up to attend a wedding of a dear friend of mine.

You see, one of the good things about small towns is sometimes you get really lucky and get a group of friends that stay friends forever. You know, the kind people write books and movies and songs about.

I got really lucky.

I made a day trip of it; went home spent an hour or so with my parents, and then went to the wedding. After the wedding, I changed clothes, packed my bag and drove back to Chattanooga.

Yet on this trip, I realized something that has never occurred to me before.

Maybe it was the fact that it was so short and I had spent time with my friends and “family” in Chattanooga part of the day, and then I drove back to where I grew up and spent time with my family and friends from my child hood.

I realized that no matter where I was, I would always feel somewhat incomplete without the other part.

My future cannot exist without the presence of my past.

And likewise, my past will always be a reflection of my future.

I started the morning in my house in Chattanooga. Talking with a friend about love, and God, and the struggles and changes we go through as life gets older. About how God brings us to right where He wants us. About how we all have our own stories.

I drove to the same exit that I’ve taken for 8 years on holidays, weekends, and days that I am lonely and just need my mom.

I drove on back roads that I fell in love on when I was 15 years old. And something sparked in my heart, remembering and wondering how that girl ended up where she did.

I danced with friends that have grown, changed, married and are still the same loving, fun, and gentle people that have always loved me for who I really am.

I left the house that held me. For 18 years, that house held secrets, heartbreak, laughter, dancing and love.

And I drove back.

I realized that night, that part of my heart will always be there.

Because it made me... me.

In that town, on those roads, with those people, in that house.

And part of my heart, will always be here.

In this city that forced me to grow up, allowed me to make mistakes, gave me dreams, and taught me grace.

It’s a strange feeling to feel like you have led two lives. The one, until a turning point in one place, and another life somewhere else; somewhere new, somewhere different.

If you have ever moved, you know this feeling.

If you’ve ever had a life change, you’ll understand.

Part of my heart will always be in my first apartment with my college roommate.

Part of my heart will always be where I grew up--chasing dreams, and a boy and back country roads.

And yet, today.. sitting here writing... my heart is here.

Chasing what’s next. Looking for where my heart is soon to land.

Seeking. Growing. Learning.

I realized that stories have chapters, and each chapter is relevant, necessary and vital to the way a story tells itself.

Part of me will always long for the other parts of me, the parts that I’ve dropped off in bits and pieces along the years...

That’s ok. They made me who I am. They bring something new every time I visit them, and they are pillars of the grace of God in my life over the years.

My heart is a story. Every place, every piece, every part makes me who I am... makes my story what it is.

There are days I want, and sometimes need, to relive some of those chapters.

Yet this story isn’t finished.

There will be more chapters written.

My singleness is a chapter.

So what I’ve learned, what I know and what I need... is to hold onto to those chapters deep in my heart, even when it aches.. for they ARE my story.

I must remember them and what they’ve taught me, to shape the woman God is making me to be.

Monday, March 26, 2012

I hated, HATED, movies that involved animals when I was little because inevitably--they got hurt in some way or another--and I ended up in a puddle of tears, begging my mom to turn it off.

I was devastated every time one of my hamsters died. I’m fairly certain we held a funeral for almost a dozen hamsters in my childhood.

My poor parents.

I had more barbies, baby dolls and stuffed animals than most of my friends combined.

I wanted to take care of them all.

In my heart of hearts, love and passion spill out of every single part of me.

And that isn’t a bad thing.

I think that is what has led me to the job that I have now.. that led me to a career path that would allow me to chase my ideal fantasies of "changing the world"... that led me to writing to share my heart with your heart.

However the heart is tricky.

REAL tricky.

My heart is where I keep all things sacred.

My fears. My hopes. My longings.

My joys. My sorrows. My love.

It has been bruised and torn apart.

It has been tactfully and beautifully put back together.

So then what do I do with my heart now?

Some days, I fear that as a single woman who has been told to keep my heart completely guarded, that I will flee from the idea of allowing my heart to feel anything.

Don’t get me wrong, I do feel things at extraordinary lengths.

Sometimes too much so.

The people in my life make my heart burst with love sometimes.

Serving God, makes me truly fall in love with Him.

I rejoice and ache with every story and lesson God teaches every girl that I’m so blessed to share stories and thoughts with.

And knowing more about Him opens up parts of my heart I didn’t know were there.

But deep down, there is this little fear...

“Will I know it when it hits me? How can I trust myself? I’ve built these walls...”

A heart is wicked and deceitful above all else.

Oh my goodness, how many times we are told this verse as single people!!!

Truth: I am afraid to trust my heart.

My heart, some days, tells me things that I know are not true.

Yet the truth is not changed due to my lack of belief.

So God is teaching me.

He’s teaching me that my heart... my heart... is good.

My heart is NOT wicked and deceitful.

My heart is a tool that He willingly uses to lead me closer to things of Him.

A heart surrendered to God and His will is never a bad thing.

It’s when we let the heart take reign of our lives outside of God that we find trouble.

I’m worried I’ll make a wrong decision.

I’m worried I’ll get distracted from what God wants for me.

I’m worried I’ll pick the wrong thing, pick the wrong person, not be able to trust my heart or myself.

Truth is though, God can use my heart to lead me to the right place, to the right moment, to the right path, to the right person, and inevitably to HIM.

He has done it in the past.

It all comes back to surrender. To realizing you can’t do it alone. That you don’t want to control your heart. And you’re willing to not control your heart.

Delight yourself in Him. The desires of your heart will then align to be His.

And He is good. And He is loving. And He won’t let your heart lead you anywhere He can’t reach.