Monday, March 19, 2012

What Hurts The Most

The other part of me knows I need to. And now is the time. Because it's the only way I'm going to start to feel better.

I also apologize for not just getting to the point.

It's not easy to. It's been exhausting.

The past few days have been a challenge. The hurt didn't truly begin until last night, when I allowed myself to think about it all. Perhaps, a little too much.

Okay, I already had to take a break and look at a picture that always makes me happy, to help calm the tears.

Here is one of my favorites...

I wouldn't mind if about 300 of him started pedalling their way into the living room right now.

***

Okay,

Please excuse the scatterbrained way I try and tell Thursday's story. The sad song. The lengthyness of it all. (I'm warning you...it's gonna be a doozy.)

And how dramatic I sound...(I know it could be worse.)

I woke up Thursday excited for our appointment. I was calm. I was collected. I was on a mission.

Steve and I met at our doctor's office and walked in the door hand in hand with smirks on our faces. We were happy. A mix of nervous and anxious. But more than anything,

we felt unstoppable. Powerful. Strong. Ready as we'd ever be.

The nurses greeted us with their big and familiar smiles. I could sense right off the bat that a few were surprised to see us. I noticed one nurse's eyes go straight for my stomach, probably scoping me out for any signs of a baby bump. They quickly caught on to what the agenda was and were so welcoming and eager to share in our news.

Our nurse led us into the room for blood work and made chit chat until they were ready for my internal ultrasound. I imagined, originally, that I would have so many feelings come over me as I lay, looking at that screen back in those rooms.
But, the only thing I felt - was pure joy. I couldn't stop smiling. I was just so happy to be there.

The lights went out and the search was on for how many follicles were almost ready.
I had one egg. And though we thought I might have more, with taking clomid and our past experiences, I was more than satisfied with that. One egg is all it takes. And they made sure to remind us (especially Steve) that.

I got dressed in .4 seconds and we waited to talk to our doctor's head nurse. (Our doctor was in a conference.) We've known her since our very first appointment. She's down to earth and so easy to talk to. So, it helped take away the bit of discouragement we had when we found out our doctor wasn't available. She held my very hefty folder, with the day's photos and stats attached and started giddily rattling off tons of information.

Like,

- "Your egg is measuring 18mm and you will be ready for your IUI Saturday morning."

- "Dr. O will be back tomorrow. Yay, for him being back in time."

- "It's great you brought your trigger shot, because I can mix it and just give it to you if you like. You're ready for it today."

- "You may feel the hcg in the trigger will mimic pregnancy symptoms. Be prepared for the possibility of cramps, sore boobs, hot flashes...It will take up to ten days to leave your system."

- "The only way we will call you later, is if your blood work shows that we should schedule your appointment earlier."

I sat and hung on to her every word. I was shaking my head and looking her straight in the eye. Comprehending it all, but also hearing tiny, cheerful voices say, "Maria!! Yay! This is it! You made it!"

I laughed when she gestured with her hand patting her tush, that I might be sore after the shot.

And then I asked,"I'm guessing this is going in my ass?!" as Steve shook his head, laughing, cupping his face in his hands.

I proudly exposed my right cheek and was laughing out loud the whole time. I didn't feel a thing.

We scheduled our IUI at the front desk for bright n' early on St. Patrick's Day. I thought, "Oh, a lucky day!" as I walked out, literally skipping through the hallway. Steve and I kissed and hugged tightly in the parking lot, pausing to smile at one another. It felt fairy tale like. Certainly not your typical one. You know, I'm the princess. Steve is my prince. We order another prince's goods to help us out. I go to my castle where I get pricked in my arm and ass with a giant needle. Have a date with Mr.internal ultrasound-wand ma jiggy...

But nonetheless, it was a sweet, well awaited fairy tale in our eyes. I felt on top of the world as I drove off.

I gave so much thanks, prayed, cried happy tears, and sang out loud to the songs on the radio.

When I arrived home, I called, texted and emailed a few friends with my news.

And then, I sunk into another bubble bath to just soak it all up. (no pun intended)

Hours had passed, and I was in the middle of a very happy, detailed, aggresive text session with my dear friend, Julia. I shared my good news and all my emotions. I was so giddy. And then, a few minutes later, a phone call came through. It was the doctor's office. I immediately thought, "Oh, my appointment must just need to be moved."

The nurse's tone of voice was too familiar. I could tell instantly something was wrong.

But I had no idea what she was about to say. Or what it could possibly be.

Just thinking about that moment just made my stomach turn.

I remember concentrating on an empty cherry Now and Later candy wrapper Steve had left on the bedstand. If it was possible, the rage and fear inside of me would have been enough to set it into flames.

My heart was pounding, as she softly said, "Maria, I don't have good news, hunny. We got your blood work results back" (the ones I had taken before my hcg trigger shot). She then, even softer, asked what my last period was like. If it was different than usual or off schedule. And my mind was zapped back to my last period. The one I got in Utah, that I complained to my friend, Aleisha, about as I showed her how oddly bloated my stomach was. It was off by 3 days, but early. It started without its normal warning and was (not to make you gag) but syrupy and thicker. I thought nothing of it, as I had flown and been on vacation, and I know how those things can sometimes mess with it. I gave her the details, and told her when it happened, as she had already heard about our vacations during our appointment.

I had a lump the size of Texas in my throat that made it hard to speak at that point.

She told me my blood work showed hcg (the pregnancy hormone) in my system and that my progesterone was higher than it should be for where I was at in my cycle.

And then she sadly said, "It appears you had a miscarriage, I'm so sorry. We are going to have to cancel your IUI and bring you in next week to monitor and check your levels."

And,

I lost it.

In the words of me at that very moment, and the few friends I mustered up the strength to tell...

And now, wait, I have this worthless, expensive trigger shot running hormones through my system that I don't need?!"

The nurse kept apologizing. Telling me her and the other nurse we were with earlier could not believe it when they checked the results. Said they were in complete shock and have never seen this happen in our type of situation. And told me, I could call anytime if I needed to vent or ask questions.

Let me tell you, you don't know what to say in that kind of situation.

After I hung up, I gave Steve a "warning text" that I was about to call him with crazy news.

And then, he got an earful that probably sounded something like this...

"STEVE, AHSLDFHWOEHOWEFHSLDKFLAKLSKDFSKJLAHWHEIORWHHHEHWLRKKKKWERH."

I didn't make an ounce of sense for a good minute.

My mind was racing, thinking back to our past rendezvous the cycle prior.

Let me be completely honest and very blunt here...(break you in for future posts.)

We didn't use condoms. Not once. We haven't ever really, in the past few years. But, he never finished inside of me. Except, possibly (because we truly can't recall), in the heat of the moment when...

Get this...

When we went to celebrate with an overnight getaway in Atlantic City, because we had just purchased our donor. Yep. Uh huh. Are you KIDDING?!?

Right after this photo was taken, I went to take a bath and was emailing very late with a friend. I even joked with her that I could barely keep my hands off the naked/Dorito eating man in our hotel bed. (Notice Steve in background. And, sorry people, he is covered.)

Well, in the wee morning hours, we rang in Valentine's Day and the excitement of our new chapter beginning. And, the rest is history. I guess?!

I still don't know what we're more in shock and sad at...

The fact that we got pregnant with all we had been through in the past year(s)...

by a little bit of "Ooopsie sperm." Sperm that had trouble getting me pregnant after our fifth loss. Sperm that, no offense babe, was not compatible with me and doesn't have the best track record...sperm that wasn't that close to ovulation...

The fact that I didn't think A THING of it, when my last period was off and I felt so bloated...

The fact that I had another loss.

The fact that our IUI was cancelled.

And the list goes on...

I quickly got off the phone with Steve to relieve him from the nightmare that was me, and made another phone call to Julia. A girl who deserves a medal for what she endured for the next few hours. Yes, hours. How quickly my news had changed. I cried so hard. I barely made sense for the first hour. I cursed. I apologized for cursing like a potty mouthed trucker. I begged for an answer on how this could happen. The timing...the everything? I boo hoo'ed about how happy I was our sex life was finally about just enjoying it and not anything else. And I let it all out.

She saw heard me at my worst, but I wouldn't change it for a thing.

Though, she might. ;)

Steve must have texted me, "SHOCK, complete and utter shock!" about 5times in a row.

He came home to me pantless, (Don't ask...I tend to take clothes off when I'm mad) in a long sleeve shirt and socks, mascara stained and whimpering in the bathroom. So, he did the logical thing, and dropped his pants and boxers, and walked by me in his work shirt and knee socks. I instantly bursted into laughter and we hugged, as I stained his shirt with black tears.

The weekend was full of love, and I'm so grateful for the people who made it that way.

Days have passed, and I can't say tonight was any easier. In fact, before I started writing, I was a complete and utter mess. I was irrational. I kept questioning still, how could I have been pregnant?! How??! The timing? The bad luck?! A sixth loss!...One that we didn't even know could exist? One that makes us feel so plain odd/weird/numb in a sense...

I kept questioning and wondering...

Was I not pregnant, and instead, is there something wrong with me?

Why would my period come early rather than late? How did I not know?

What if there is something they're missing and it's an even bigger problem?

I hate questioning. I despise the doubt. I'm sad at the seesaw ride me and my emotions were taken on.

The super high to the insanely low.

I feel defeated.

And dammit, I felt like we had just climbed huge mountains early Thursday morning, only to be thrown right down them, crashing without notice.

I'm angry right now, and I need to be. I want to punch something so hard. I want to have this one last cry and get it all out of my system. I want to continue to pray a little bit more tonight.

Not for answers. But for what I've always prayed for in this journey.

STRENGTH.

And I must say,

a few not so mature and pretty, but very meaningful words...

the same words that I cried gratefully to my friend on Thursday...

Thank you. I really don't regret a single ounce of any of this. I truly don't.

There's a reason for it all, even if we never find out why.

And part of the sweet reason is surely you (you all know who you are.)

This journey can be a piece of shit sometimes.

But at the end of the day...

what a beautiful piece of shit it is.

Thank you for making it even more beautiful.

Thank you for listening.

If you've made it to the end of the this never-ending post,

I owe you one of those adorable, white, fluffy, tricycle-riding pups from above.

Email me your address, and I'll have one sent to you by the weekend.

I'm hurting. But not as much as I was before I started typing.

And that's something to be thankful for.

It's just that...

"What hurts the most, was being so close."

So, so, close...

to truly taking on this new chapter.

We have an appointment on Thursday morning. I know there will almost positively be hcg in my system from the trigger. But, my doctor will be there. And there's some light at the end of this. Hopefully, lots of it. I might be back before. I might be after.

41 comments:

Maria! My heart breaks for you sweetie. I can't believe you actually commented on my silly post after your weekend. You are truly the sweetest. I truly am so very sorry. I know that feeling of absolute shock. I was there last year when I got pregnant completely unplanned and unexpected. And yet you still have to grieve. Please know that I am praying so very hard for you and Steve. I pray that you will find comfort in each other and in Him. Trust me, Maria, good things will happen to us. One day. I will keep saying that until it happens. Please don't hesitate to email or call. I can send you my phone number. I can't guarantee that I'll have any words of wisdom for you, but I can listen and be a sounding board. Love to you both!!!!

Maria, I am so sorry to hear how close you were but still not close enough. I am thinking of you and this post gave me goose bumps when I read you had been pregnant. I do not know what it is like, to walk in your shoes, I can only imagine. If it's any small consolation, I am sending loads of love to you and I wish you everything your heart desires. Never give up my friend!! Luv you xoxo

I am so, so sorry that you are going through this Maria. I don't have the words to make it any better right now, but I wanted you to know I am always here to listen. I'm emailing you my contact information - feel free to call or text or do anything if it makes you feel better. *HUG*

Oh hunny, I had a million things running through my head when you emailed me, but this was not one of them. The timing is so crazy. I can see why you're so hurt, and so confused. How terrible to be the happiest woman on the planet Thursday, and just hours later, the saddest. To think, you would have never known about the miscarriage if it wasn't for this appointment. How strange is it that things worked out the way that they did? How strange, and how heartbreaking. I understand how easy it is to assume that all of these other things are wrong, but you have to believe what dr. says. I know it's got to be the hardest thing in the world to accept the fact that you and Steve had another loss, but it's worse to make yourself think all of these other things are wrong. You can't beat yourself up like that.I'm sooooo sorry that your cycle didn't work out, and that the shot went to waste. I can't even imagine all of the things you're going through right now.I'm glad that you can find reasons to smile, like a puppy on a tricycle (I smiled too! How can you not?) and a Mr. with his pants off. I'm also glad that you get to see your normal doctor on Thursday. I hope that you leave your appointment feeling better, and with new hope. I am sending you a million hugs and prayers.I LOVE your meaningful words. They're truthful and raw. That's a beautiful thing. Oh Maria, I am so so sorry. I wish I could find the perfect words to say. I just know that after this massive storm you've been through... you will finally get your sunlight. I will be thinking of you all day. .. or, well, all week. Okay, maybe all the time. more hugs!love you!Heather

Maria, all I can do is cry for you. Tears fill my eyes with your heartache and loss. I cant begin to imagine how your mind has to be spinning clockwise & then abruptly decides to go counter clockwise for no reason other than we are humans with great emotions. You need to emote & not hold anything in. Get the stress out and let the love in. You and your man are troopers for sure and blessings will come to you. I'd prefer HIM to speed up the process a bit for you, but all things in HIS time. Many gentle hugs, lots of cyber chocolate & a glass of milk raised in hopes for better results in the near future. Hugs my new friend. And Steve, you crack me up buddy. You have my husbands sense of humor. Your a keeper. T

Mariaaaaaaaa..... :( :( :( :(I am so sorry this life is taking such a huge dump on you guys :( WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am still in shock from when you told me. And somehow, I just still don't get it. It is beyond anything any of us can understand, I guess. I wish I had words, I wish I could make this not be the way it is, I wish I could scoop you up and take you to the land of perfectness. You guys do not deserve all of this! You know I'm here. And you KNOW I want that puppy! Your picture on the bed was so beautiful, AND SO FUNNY with Steve in the background with his doritos. hahahaha! You know I'm here if you need ANYTHING at all. I love you, girl! And I hope that everything goes ok on Thursday. I want this crazy chapter to end, so you can start your new one with nothing but happiness.

Oh Maria, my heart broke reading all that you've been through. I'm praying for strength for both you and Steve, and wisdom for your doctor to help you figure out what's next. Sending you massive amounts of hugs through the Internet too.

Oh Maria! I wish I could zoom over to your place with a taco bell big box, 2 boxes of tissues (one for each of us- we wouldn't want to have our snotty hands meet as we both reach for the same tissue... that would be gross), and a ton of decadent desserts that big enough to share but we wouldn't. My heart is breaking! I can't wait for our chat on Friday. I think we both need it! Tons of hugs and prayers for you and Steve!

You know how I feel, but I wanted to say again the I'm so sorry and so royally ticked off that you have to go through this!! I know life isn't always fair, but sometimes I think it should be a little less unfair. I love you and am so glad I got to talk to you that day...lord knows you've been there for me whenever I needed it too. Love you so much! Xoxososososo

Oh Maria, this made me so so sad. My heart is hurting for you! How strong you are never ceases to amaze me and the fact that you take the time to vent and let your emotions out is really therapeudic and inspiring. Plus it allows us to pray for you and send love your way; there are clearly SO many people that care about you and Steve!

Life is brutally difficult at times, but there is always a purpose...and I know you know that. You will make such an amazing mommy! It will happen...never lose faith sweet girl. All of the hard times will just make the good times THAT much better. And better times are surely headed your way :).

Please email me anytime you need to talk/vent!!! I am so sorry Maria....you don't deserve an ounce of this. Please keep your chin up and show the world that beautiful smile. Don't let this defeat you; you have so much to give! Sending love your way

I'm so so so so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how that all felt - being lifted to such a high and then to have something you would have never even though of happen...

However, you STRENGTH and BEAUTY and GRACE through all of this is so inspiring... even though you may not think you are all of these things all of the time (potty mouth trucker, pantsless -- you DESERVE those moments! lol) you ARE. You are seriously one of the strongest, bravest, most beautiful people I know -- pantsless and all! ;)

I can only offer up my prayers and positive thoughts to you. I know that you are meant to be a momma - a GREAT, STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, GRACEFUL momma. All of these things are just making your better and better. I can't wait for the day your flood your blog with tricycle riding puppies delivering the news we've all been waiting for!

Many virtual hugs your way, and as always my thoughts and prayers are with you!

Oh Maria. I love you so much. I look up to you, too. I am praying for your miracle...for your little miracle. I have faith that it WILL happen. When? I don't know. But it WILL. Wish we both knew when. Thank you for being an inspiration <3I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Loveyou.

Maria, I am so sad for you and to be honest, mad too! I am mad that you are going through this. I am so sorry to hear how close you were and yet still so far. One can never truly know why some things happen the way that they do and I am sure you have a lot of people telling you that right now. Sometimes, things just plain suck and it is okay to feel that way and even embrace the pain. You deserve only good things, my friend and I will keep praying for you and Steve to have some good news soon.

Maria, I am so sad for you and to be honest, mad too! I am mad that you are going through this. I am so sorry to hear how close you were and yet still so far. One can never truly know why some things happen the way that they do and I am sure you have a lot of people telling you that right now. Sometimes, things just plain suck and it is okay to feel that way and even embrace the pain. You deserve only good things, my friend and I will keep praying for you and Steve to have some good news soon.

I am so sorry Maria. I know I've just met you recently but I really truly need to say, my heart hurts right now. I'm crazy emotional. I wish you didn't have to go through this. There is no easy words for all of this....I just wish there were. Wishing you comfort and time to heal one day at a time. God Bless you and your hubby through this very challenging time.

OH hun- I have tears for you but more than anything madness for you and Steve not to be granted your wish of having a baby. I am so deeply sorry! If you ever need to talk, I am here for you- doesnt matter what time- day or night! You guys only deserve the best in this world- it is not fair!

Hey Honey, guess what I'm wearing right now? Right now at this very moment, as I just finished reading this shocking, emotional, unbelievable post? NO! I was NOT going to say LACY PANTIES and a teeny tiny NIGHTIE!!! Good grief, why would you think that?? Just because you admitted to thinking about me while you were in the shower...sheesh! HA HA HA HA!!! Nope, I am wearing my terrific dress you gave me. It's late, so I have since kicked off the skinny jeans and have substituted them for pj pants. But I've kept the dress on. I really love it. I put it with mustard colored flats and a mustard colored belt. Gosh, it's so stinkin' cute. And I love it because when I wear it I feel closer to you than how far we really are from each other. It makes me happy. It makes me think of you. It makes me feel like your here, in a way.

Gosh, what can I say? I'm stunned by all this. This post makes your text message to me make more sense, about leaving lady parts in Utah. OH MY GOSH! I'm dying you were going through that while you were HERE. I'm so, so, so sorry. My heart aches for you and Steve, my friend. I wish I was closer so we could cuddle and cry. I wish there was something I could do for you! You know you can call me or text me anytime. We NEED to talk. I'm so sorry I haven't called you. Life has been CRAZY here and this week is especially busy. You've not been far from my thoughts, though.

Feel what you need to feel. Cry and scream and swear. Let it all out, it's cathartic. Don't lose faith or hope. "Be brave." Come back to UT so you can see the Honey Bucket! Remember how loved and supported you are. All this pain when seem worth it when you're rocking your sweet babe to sleep, in your arms. I'm praying for you as always, and I'll love you forever. XOXO

Maria, I am so sorry for what has happened :( I have been watching your blog everyday to see how things have been. It breaks my heart that you're going through this. But these 29 comments above me shows you're not going through it alone. We're all here for you and love you so much :) And I am so own a doggie on a tricycle :)

Maria, I don't even know where to begin. I read your post the day you posted it, I called my mom, and before I could say anything she asked me if I had read your post. I am so heart broken for you! I kept coming back to comment and couldn't think of the right thing to say. There are no words. You are so incredibly strong and to be able to smile still is amazing! There are so many things in this world that are not fair but this tops them all. I pray that your journey only goes up hill from here and that you will be blessed with a beautiful baby very soon! I wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world! continue to stay strong Maria! Lots of love, prayers and strength!xoxoAlexis♥

Hi Maria, I am so sorry to read what you have been experiencing yet again. I will definitely continue to pray for you and Steve and hope that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel real soon. Keep the faith and remember that a lot of persons are thinking about you and wishing you all the best. By the way, the cute pup on the bicycle is so cool. He will certainly lift one's spirit!:) Take good care of yourself and I send you Lots of Love, Best Wishes and Prayers. Judy

Wow...such heartbreaking news for you guys. I am so sorry. You are one strong woman! I hope the doctor has something good to tell. I have no idea what else to say but I am sorry and hope you guys don't give up:)) hugs and kisses to you.

Maria I am so, so, so sorry!! You have all the right in the world to be frustrated, sad, mad and girl you go ahead and swear all you want. I'm hoping you will be able to move on to your next chapter soon but I am truly sorry for your lose. I am sending you big hugs and Annabelle is sending you baby kisses along with her baby vibes for your next try! You will have see your rainbow soon :-)

Hi All! My name is Maria. I'm 33 years old and live in Pennsylvania with my husband and daughter, Piper. I've found throughout the years that life is truly unpredictable...you've got to roll with the punches, live your life and love your life no matter what tries to stand in your way. I'm learning new lessons every day and am thankful for all I have been given.
Email @ www.muffinmarino918@gmail.com