Baking Birthday Cupcakes for School: A Recipe for Disaster!

Remember when we were kids and somebody in our class at school had a birthday? Remember how that somebody's mom would always send in a truckload of refined sugar and artificial colors and everyone would gather 'round and sing Happy Birthday and then we'd all bounce around the classroom like ping-pong balls on crack and (presumably) our teacher would knock back a few aspirin and count down the days til retirement?

Well, as you are no doubt aware (particularly if you are a mom), the times ... they have a-changed. And if your child happens to be that somebody with a birthday, you can't just show up at his or her classroom with an armful of cupcake happiness, oh no. There are Rules To Be Followed. Many of which, I must say, I appreciate (as the mom of a peanut-allergic kid). But the thing is, more rules = more chances to screw up and prove to your child that you are, in fact, the worst mom ever.

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Like when my daughter turned 6 and wanted to bring cupcakes in for her kindergarten class. Perhaps you'd like the recipe?

Birthday Cupcakes for Your Kid's Kindergarten Class

Ingredients:

One kindergartener who wants to bring cupcakes to school for her 6th birthday.

Directions:

1. Ask the child's teacher for permission to bring cupcakes. Try not to appear alarmed when the teacher rolls her eyes and hands you a list of what foodstuffs are NOT allowed, including dairy (because one kid is so allergic that his skin blisters when he comes into contact with milk, no joke), peanuts, sesame seeds, wheat and/or artificial red coloring (because one kid's lips swell up if she eats it).

2. Go to the grocery store. Stand and stare at baking supplies in confusion. Figure it's impossible to make "safe" cupcakes and decide your kid will bring in "happy birthday stickers" instead.

3. Stand and stare helplessly as child breaks down into hysterical sobs at the suggestion of "happy birthday stickers."