Based on first impression, what would you do in this situation? - FOO

My FOO was and continues to be verbally and emotionally abusive. I doubt that they recognize it, and it's gotten better the farther I distance myself from them. They're tolerable, even enjoyable for a day or two a few times a year.

I paid my own way through college, was given a used car half way through so I could get to work and my first month's rent was paid for. Other than that, I paid for all of it but dad still claimed me as a dependant on taxes so I got very little back for a few years as I was claiming my scholarship and he was claiming me as a dependant (around $5). I know this wasn't legit, but didn't realize the tax rules until after the fact and I haven't brought it up.

Now to the question: Dad has offered to pay off some of my loans. My first instinct is to run, but I have other serious things going on in my life that this might seem like a solution for. I can elaborate for anyone who wishes, but I'd prefer to do so through PM. I'm 80% certain he won't even come through, or do anything at all beyond mentioning it, but in the event that he does....What do I say? So far I've just said that I don't want him to feel obligated to, and that we can handle it....but he's basically stolen from me (through taxes, and has taken hundreds out of my savings account when he had access to it), so I *almost* feel like it's owed. At least close enough that I would feel slightly less guilty about accepting something like this (due to the verbal abuse throughout my life, I have a hard time accepting any gift, ever. Even as small as a coffee.). But I don't know if it would come with strings, and I don't know how to ask someone like that what the conditions are....or how to say that I will only accept if it's a straight up gift with no conditions. He doesn't speak honestly, or directly, and has a way of twisting words and convos to make me out to be a villain. Any advice?

Comments (15)

Should you accept money from a manipulative, lying, verbal and emotional abuser? No. Trust your instincts. The ones that are telling you not to accept something as small as a cup of coffee from this guy. They are not silly reactionary relics of abuse. Rather, they are skills that your mind has honed as a way of protecting itself from harm. Believe in them because they are putting you first in a way that your family never has.

You make it seem very clear. It's a wonder how others can see things so easily. Being conditioned as I have, it's hard to see when I'm being reasonable because I always have that nagging feeling that I'm making a terrible choice, or that my thinking is really far off from reality.

I'm going to post something totally against DWIL rules. Take the money. But only if you can be strong and believe that you are outed it and this squares you, or leaves them still owing. If this will in Amy easy make you feel beholden to them, don't.

My ED was abusive and evil. I let her send me money, because, aside from finally dying, it's the least she can do for me. (we're not taking a lot, btw, like, $100 on my bday, is all.)

I don't think you are strong enough to take the money. You're still needing reality checks and said that the abuse is "getting better". It's not gone and this would be a move to put your dad in a position to have control over you again.

Don't do it, it's a trap.

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When you purposefully have your head up your hiney, it's a foregone conclusion that you will end up speaking out your ass.

I say accept it. Strings attached only work if you let them. There's nothing to MAKE you do anything just because you accepted a gift of money that possibly is rightly yours anyway. As long as you are ready to get out your scissors if necessary take it. If you aren't and may end up a puppet then definitely do not take it.