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Sepp Blatter’s FIFA Crisis Diary

I was rudely awoken in my humble presidential suite this morning with the news that some of the rotten apples in the barrel we know as the Football Family have been arrested.

This was, as you might expect, an unpleasant surprise. And yet it was a surprise that did not surprise me. So-called ‘corruption’ – whatever that word actually means – has possibly existed within FIFA for too long now and it extends to the very close to the very top of the organisation.

I have seen this coming for many years now and yet have been powerless to prevent it. That is why I must be re-elected to tackle this cancer within our Family, as only I have the power to truly bring about meaningful change.

People speak of ‘new brooms’. But of what use is a new broom if it does not know where to sweep? It can tidy, yes. It can spruce, of course. But can it bring deep and abiding cleanliness? Can it recognise ingrained dirt and dust brought about by decades of arms-length and deeply disapproving association with what some are calling ‘corruption’?

The answer to all these questions is ‘no’. Except to the last question, where the answer is ‘yes’ if we consider the possibility that the ‘new’ broom can be made from an older, wiser broom so clearly still fit for purpose.

FIFA is good eating, not bad waiting

One would not wish your evening meal to be cooked by the waiter. So why would some now call for the chef to be removed? A chef who has seen overseen the preparation of so many wonderful meals over the years and yet is now in some way held responsible for the poor cooking of a very few.

The arrogant, holier than thou English and their poisonous media have a saying: ‘Do not throw the baby out with the bathwater’.

I am, in many ways, that baby – innocent, a thing of wonder capable of so much if given free rein to grow and learn and lead. Only through my re-election will Football see such wondrous possibilities become realities.

The bathwater must be changed, of course. And possibly the bath fittings, bath and bathroom also. But the chef, with his new/old broom, must be kept to oversee the reconstruction of the bathroom as he matures and grows and learns to sweep the kitchen clean.

I have the utmost respect for the FBI and the US Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

And for America also – a wonderful country I regrettably do not visit often enough as I feel compelled to make a principled stand against their overly simplistic extradition practices. As a lawyer, I know these things!

Loretta Lynch – American racism in a nutshell

My love of America is further tarnished by the country’s deep and inherent racial problem. The country, I am saddened to say, is racist to its rotten core.

Within FIFA, black lives truly matter. To the FBI, they do not. It can be no coincidence that so many of those the FBI have targeted are black, or yellow or white – I confess I find it hard to say for sure because I am personally colour blind, seeing only a rainbow of talent, assured leadership and potential among all who serve Football and the Football Family.

I have been subject to racist abuse myself over the years. It is a simple, if sad, fact of life that we humble Swiss lawyers must learn to deal with as we struggle daily to overcome the many obstacles put in front of us by those more privileged and powerful than ourselves.

I helped bring the World Cup to Africa, although it must be made clear that I was not directly involved in the bidding process, and I helped bring the World Cup to Qatar also – a country that prides itself on creating jobs in the manual labour and construction spheres for those less fortunate than themselves.

Without my direct, but hands-off, personal work in such matters, these World Cups would not, and will not, occur.

I am responsible for these World Cups, if not the exact financial mechanisms that helped bring them to reality, because I am not a racist.

If that is so-called ‘corruption’ then, yes, I am corrupt. And I am proud to be labelled as such by the racist FBI.

Change is needed. I recognise this and embrace it. It is why a vote to bring me a further term in office is needed.

Because true change is a matter of evolution, not revolution. The latter brings chaos, the former promotes order, transparency and non-racism.

Blatter – not a racist – and his hands are clean

So much is healthy and robust about Football and the Football Family.

The game is loved and cherished by so many across the globe and yet is now under attack from a country – the wonderful but racist and legally dubious America – that views it with such suspicion that they can hardly bring themselves to even play it.

This is no coincidence. It is an important fact ignored by the elite Old World media controlled by their puppet masters within UEFA – a ghastly organisation run by white, aging European lawyers so different in upbringing and background when compared to more progressive, rainbow figures such as myself.

Only I have the knowledge, power and understanding to right the wrongs – of which I had not the knowledge, power or understanding to do anything about – that might or might not have occurred.

That they have occurred ‘under my watch’, I acknowledge. But that was because my watch was focused solely on bringing Football to the entire world, promoting the game amongst the Unempowered, the Disenfranchised and the Ladies, and not just the racist, the corrupt and the European. And American. And White.

I need only one, or perhaps two, more terms in office to finish what I am about to start, having previously not started because I was so busy finishing what I had previously started to its completion.

This much is clear.

My continued Presidency is simple, non-racist and anti so-called ‘corruption’ common sense.