In a surprise move, the Czar decides to continue opressing Russian peasants. 'What can I say? We were on a roll. We Czars can just keep on doing this, and we'll never get our comeuppance! No comeuppance!'

Japanese artist Afake Namu invents hentai. Hailed as a hero by the people of Japan, he is immediately promoted to Emperor and given all the ink and paper he wanted.

The year "9" on the French Republican calendar, January 1 was day 12 of the month "Cinqueme", but the new ruler Napoleon changed it back to the original Christian calendar.

Japan builds the first Nuclear bomb. But decides not to blow the hell out of everything, but to bury the formula 20,000,000 miles below the surface, only for the United States to find it in the 1940's, and use it against them.

Pork and beans invented by the Jews, suprisingly, it's not kosher. All Jews go missing for 6 hours to allegedly discuss the matter. During this time, Bruce Willis is elected President of the Jews and proceeds to eat all pork and beans in Eastern Europe. This is never mentioned again until 2 days later.

Spain invades and crushes Portugal so they are no longer the coolest country in the world.

The tv show Muppet Babies makes its debut. Noted for its use of cloning technology and a mutation to make the babies remain no older than two years old, the show received poor reviews mostly due to no one being able to understand what the babies were saying, and was eventually cancelled after several weeks.

Apples started falling from trees pretty soon after the invention of gravity.

May 29 - On the 13th Anniversary of Sodium Penthanol Day (SPD), Oscar Wilde discovers an Archimedes Text describing the day. He then writes the quote, "WTF happened to Sodium Penthanol day?!?," resulting in a world-wide celebration of SPD in which 2.7 million people inadvertently killing themselves.

Ronald McDonald is born on May 2 to proud parents John McCain and Joseph Stalin. May 2 is also the date of the first recorded instance of Baby Jesus crying. There is still debate between historians and other people who don't have a real job as to whether the two events are related or mere coincidence.

11:03 - Beginning work on his fifth Symphony, Ludwig Van Beethoven sneezed violently and accidentally knocked over the ink. The resultant mess became the opening 'DA DA DA DUM' that school-children around the world know and love.

13:00 - Russia and Sweden declared a temporary ceasefire so that the Tsar could have lunch with the Czar, the Csar and the Tzar.

A year made famous primarily by the war in which Mexico, United States, Britain, and Texas (collectively, the Atlantic Axis) invaded Canada and killed God at the Battle of Badon Hill (God eventually recovered with the help of Bruce Lee). Fortunately the Axis powers were persuaded by the wily undertakings of the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God to surrender unconditionally as the Canadians burnt the White House. Not one drop of blood was shed, except when Baal was summoned from Hell. Baal, being known for his prowess as a lawyer, was summoned to write up the papers which bewildered and amazed the unsuspecting invaders. Canadians enjoy good relations with Ninjas, Pirates and Vikings after this point. They still don't trust Zombies or Robots. Relations with Gunslingers are meh.

Halo 2 committs suicide, leaving Oscar Wilde to come out of hiding for his famed tour of Europe.

The great masculine, unstoppable, Napolean commanding the French (GASP! they can kick ass?) and his heroism in killing British army gets it's ass kicked by a bunch of rednecks, negro slaves, and feral pirates in The Battle for New Orleans. How demoralizing.

Christopher Poole is born, and all of the deprived children of the world rejoice, for they finally have a father to let them continue being deprived, and then on top of that, they have become the little children of the internet. Also known as /b/tards.

There was no 1822, apart from an area in South West Spain, as no-one tells them that the year was cancelled.

But even though this year never happened the people of South West Spain vote to make Italy the coolest country in the world. But when they visit they realise that they have gone through time so they invent Bull Polo to pass the time.

South West Spain is the European Union's plot to subdivide their member states into districts, the same was done to England like there's no England but a "Mid-West", "Central" and "North" district.

The Cheese Famine of 1823, attributed to evil pixies, devastates the world causing mass migrations from Wisconsin, Cornwall, and Brazil (from which Brazilian refugees would settle in Ireland eventually becoming the first inhabitants from which the modern day Irish would decend from.

Lu Bu takes over Asia as a practical joke. It didn't go down well with Russia. Lu Bu then proceeds to invade Africa, he then realises this was meant to be a joke and gives Asia to Russia as a housewarming gift. Later that year, the house burns down when an incident involving vodka, a dragon and your mom gets out of hand.

The ancient Swedish city of Skansen is found by a foreign exchange student.

Oscar Wilde travels to Paris, where he has the time of his life hooking up with French pederasts, enjoying casual strolls through Montmartre to gawk at the penniless Bohemians living there, and basically enjoying every ravishing fantasy known (yet denied) to man—as well as twelve known to monkeys!

It is a well known fact that the year 1826 did not exist. Anyone who says it did is either lying or a robot. The only way to find out is to slap them quickly and repeatedly. If they are a robot they will killyou instantly. If they were simply lying, make sure to never talk to them again. Continue the slapping until you have determined which one they are.

America's 50th anniversary, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams kill themselves in a Russian roulette after a few drinks. I think it was over who fathered John Quincy Adams, but we know Thomas Jefferson fathered a child from a slave.

May 29 - Doctor What, the lord of all spelling and estranged brother of Doctor Who, wonders why people in the 18th century were unable to spell 'Sodium Pentothal' and then completely frogets..fargets...fergets...errr..hwo to splel himselth. During a large riot at the 40th No Anniversary Day parade, 28 people are injured and 12 seriously killed as a statue built in honour of the parade asplodes.

Belgium became independent from the Netherlands, but the British and French wanted that prime real estate before the Germans claim it. But the Luxembourgers voted them the coolest country on earth, so they stayed out of it.

Illegal immigration pours into Mexico, but was done in reverse and these were white racists from the sticks of Dixie. These Americans declared independence in the short-lived Republic of Texas. Go figure.

Oscar Wilde, travelling through Italy on his European tour, comes across the great nude statue of David in an art museum. Gently caressing it when no one is looking, he "accidentally" breaks the genetalia off the statue.

The Republic of Oklahoma was founded by displaced Native Americans after they fought with the Mexicans over the turf. It was like a street gang war between the Mexican brown prides, the Cherokee redbones and the White good ol' boys.

Jesus Christ never came, despite that the Millerites (the polite term for "crazy nuts") said 1844 would be the year. They still say that the second coming of Christ is "at hand," not realizing that the true interpretation of Mark 1:15 is that Christ will have a second coming after a hand job.

June 16 - Pius IX is elected pope on the strength of his fetching rendition of the Macarena. Through similar means he later secures successive terms in office and becomes the longest-reigning pope since the days of St. Peter's last miracle.

July 4 - President Grover Cleveland, while attending a 4th of July gala on the whitehouse lawn, is accidentally struck by a stray spark which ignites his wig. Fortunately for the country, Millard Fillmore, the vice president happened to be sitting next to him while chewing on a large bowl of escargo horse dubies. Needless to say, the country was spared by a troop of hapless escargot snails who later joined the whig party.

Thankfully, the Chappaquiddickian Overlords were overtaken through the miracle of steam power, since they are allergic to water. Water doesn't kill them. Just a mild, itchy rash. But, really, what Galactic overlord wants that?

A farmer, Louis the Third, discovers a ripe, red fruit and names it the Apple because it looks so similar to the logo of Apple, inc.

The letters "æ, ø, å" are invented by Oscar Wilde, He states that he needed a little time off and that he was really bored in the 19'th century.

October 12 - The much covered up Second Coming of Christ. On a hunch the Pope was present. Tragically testing to prove if it was really Christ was similar to the tests conducted in Salem for witches. In the end, Jesus was nailed to a cross and then burned. The Pope believed that if Jesus survived, then he was really Jesus. I guess he didn't know that Jesus's one weakness was crosses. In the end Jesus died, the Pope quit, and Scooby Doo ended the episode with some witty statement like "Scooooby Doooooby Doooooooooo!"

November 12 - Beginning of the Great Humour Prohibition Act of America.

November 13 - This day marked the first day of the great cheese embargo of 1854. This embargo was made because other countries gave us rottten cheese and it made the American people sick. Many people died, but hey that is not big deal because people die anyway. But the fact the people got sick and couldn't work to make people money that was a bad thing so people refused to buy cheese from other countries. This embargo lasted only a month because it was found the the stores that sold cheese did not keep the cheese cool so it went bad. This is what made the people sick.

Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglass have a series of heated senatorial debates focused on the argument of the legality of the $5 footlong at Subway. Douglass is victorious and the $5 footlong is banned from 52 states and 52 territories in the U.S.

The AFL is invented, and the first teams (The Melporn Demons and the Gaylong Scats) are founded.

Footlong Act of 1859 overturns the Lincoln-Douglass debates of 1858 and legalizes the $5 footlong in all territories and every state except South Carolina due to Senator Calhoun's shocking resemblance to an evil bullfrog. This seems to be a leading factor in their decision to secede from the union several years later...

Marcus "W" Aurilleuis Discovered the planet Rigel 7 and explores it, but he unfortunately also discovers it's technologically advanced inhabitants which grant him eternal life and award him the place as their god, replacing The Flying Spaghetti Monster. Marcus later tries to create a galactic Republic by taking over Rigel 6, then Rigel 5, then well the rest of the Rigels(for some reason there is no Rigel 57 and seven fifths). Marcus eventually becomes the Grand Chancellor of the Galactic republic. Despite Marcus and the jedi's best attempts, Oprah, the dark lord of the Sith, seizes control of the republic and enstates a galactic empire which collapses after 5 minutes. Marcus now lives a secluded life in the great underground catacombs in pittsfield Mass.

The inhabitants of Verna create the deathstar in an attempt to stop Marcus "W" Aurilleuis from the creation of his republic. The Vernians fail due to C3P0's expert TIE fighter piloting skills. C3P0 fires a crouton torpedo to its creamy center thus making the operaters of the deathstar eat the space station because they just realized the deathstar is one big chocolate truffle.

January 31 - One man was actually beaten to death with a pingpong ball while another was jumping of his roof because he thought he was a bird. It was an exciting year especially in the small town of Wellington upon Smythe where they had 2 village fetes instead of 1.

The name 1863 was invented by the Spanish in 1862 and is thought to mean year after 1862 but the translation was lost in the course of time and so was the name of the actual inventor. Archaeologists thought they had found 1863 but where disappointed to have only found the fountain of youth and the birthplace of Jesus. There is a great mystery still surrounding 1863 and its current whereabouts. Some people believe that it is in an underground chasm under a house in Michigan.

Lu Bu kicks a goat into orbit. The goat asplodes a year later, showering a small area in Ethopia in cooked goat meat. For a day the locals aren't hungry.

Thomas Edison creates a robot that runs completely on steam. The mad scientific community proceeded to make fun of him, calling him "The biggest tool since Tesla". He responded by inventing the Space Shuttle and flying away to crybaby town for vacation.

Germany founded. Kaiser Wilhelm I is declared head of state of the new Empire in Versailles. "I am sure Germany now has the chance to contribute to international peace and security as she always has wanted to", states the new Kaiser, adding: "Versailles will always be symbolic for the glory of Germany!"

The last time black people (back then were called "freedmen") in the South can vote, run for office, have any job, attend any school, live anywhere, can enter any public building, can sit in any seat on bus cars, marry white women and be treated "equal" under the law.

The Partick Thistle Football Club, one of Scotland's oldest soccer teams, is estalished by ex-soccer hooligans, tired of brutally attacking fans, randomly begin attacking Glasgow's poor people with a traditional Scottish Thistle. Realizing they could attack opposing soccer teams as well they officially enter the league in 1906.

Protesting to the British copyright of Cloud Mentioning, American weathermen form the American Cloud Mentioners' Union.

The Banana Phone, one of the first modern inventions of modern technology following the development of the stapler, is invented by Alexander Graham Bell. Its similarity to the telephone, invented by Meucci in 1871, will spark years of useless litigation interrupted only by calls asking "Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it!".

The first Banana Phone call, Bell's famous "Come here Watson, I need you", is terminated by an automated system with "Your call is important to us and will be answered in sequence. Your conversation may be monitored. A representative will annoy you shortly, please hold the line to guard your call priority." and left on hold for a then-record 366 days.

A young girl named 'Jenn' is stabbed and raped and for some reason hung up in a closet. The murderer, for some reason, said 'Bukkake Bukakke' while doing the aforesaid hanging. This was later brought up in 2007 by YouTube spammers.

The Combustion engine is invented by Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Its development is met with great enthusiasm by scientists despite the fact the wooden engine repetedly caught fire, causing its gas tanks to explode, resulting in several deaths over the next 20 years.

Falling out of a wormhole, Snoop Dogg discovers that there are other uses for hemp. Closely following was Albert Einstein, who was using hemp in the traditional fashion.

January - The Zulu nation gets the right idea and Michael Caine nearly gets his bloody head blown off.

October - McSchwartzenheimer Zamenhof creates the language known as Esperanto after suffering a heroin overdose. He later claims an angel appeared before him and commanded him to develop a language unifying the world. However it is suspected he made have made up this claim to pick up chicks.

October - The popular thrash metal band Slayer is formed. The band would begin as a group of boys singing choir for their school. They would evolve from their soft roots and become Thrash Metal.

October - To the bafflement of the Sun Destruction Committee, the Sun spontaneously regenerates using nuclear fission and dental floss. This brings to an end the little-known and little-noticed Victorian Ice Age.

President Garfield assassinated by a man named Snoopy. He dies in 3 months, 3 days and 3 hours by a charlatan doctor can't locate the bullet, he tears a hole in his brain and dies from an infection. Snoopy blames Heathcliff, John Wilkes Booth (a Mexican agent) and the Mafia for the assassination.

In France, the world's first motor race takes place along the banks of the River Seine from the centre of Paris to Neuilly. The Race is decidedly the most violent sport conducted by vehicles since the Roman Chariot races. Started by random gunfire, the Race involves Drivers cursing, and making obscene gestures at each other and everyone else around, while smoking cigarettes and stuffing their mouths with croissants at the same time. Drivers ram each other mercilessly in a attempt to run other drivers into the River Seine. Pedestrians run over count for points. The result is that many shit themselves.

Robert Johnson wins an OBE for his hit single 'I believe I'll dust my broom'. Sparks controversy in the Catholic Church who are very much anti-dusting your broom.

Nostradamus confused the 21st day of the 12th month of the 2012nd year with that of April 20, 1887.

September 13 - The centenary of Secondary Bastille Day is marred when the organising committee grudgingly admits they don't know where the Secondary Bastille is, and are not even sure if there ever was a Secondary Bastille.

William Gracey, Jr. builds a large mansion over the ancient burial grounds of the Nuolora. In the following decades, there would be a series of untimely deaths within the Gracey family mansion in the early 1900s, and the Gracey Estate would eventually become known as the Haunted Mansion.

November 5 - U2 is discovered in a Dublin tavern drunkenly singing dirty limericks created by young playwright Oscar Wilde and claiming it as their own. Older Oscar Wilde, stuck in a time loop and attempting to improve his younger self's future, violently assaults them, and is subsequently jailed and sentenced to two months' hard labour.

The elder Oscar Wilde, caught in a time loop, seizes the opportunity to improve his younger self's life and stabs an actor, whom he knew would eventually ruin Wilde's reputation when they met, to death while the enraged actor searched the front row for the source of the lone audience member chanting "You fat bastard" (Wilde himself). No one actually liked the actor, so no charges were actually filed in court.

The Media is created by Joseph Pulitzer who, after publishing a research essay about human cloning, agrees to a bet with a college that the public would believe anything no matter what he wrote and during the next century he would create the Cold War and other sensationalist stories.

Rumors of steroid use among the world's top tennis players leads to enactment of a manditory drug testing policy in the PTA Tour.

Queen Victoria declared all women unable to fart, burp, cuss, piss, poop and give birth. She declared homosexuality for men NOT WOMEN illegal, and outlawed the terms "bosom", "peninsula" and "crevice" from the English language.

The last of the Russian Mongol-Totorians, in a war with the the rival wild tribes of Moscow since 1893, are killed.

Japanese Emperor Nintendo, who had ruled the country since 1304, dies suddenly. He is succeeded by Emperor Mitsubishi.

April 1 - A superintelligent alien race called the "Oscarwildeium" decides to help the Earth out of its misery. They send a large army of aliens to destroy mankind. However, due to many losses to the April Fool's jokes they abort the attack.

April 2 - Scientists discover that the alien race "Oscarwildeium" cannot stand jokes. All specimen were send to Area 51 for further examination.

May 19 - The young Oscar Wilde writes the famous quote, "No longer is there such a thing as an imprisoned Oscar Wilde."

June 13 - A chicken "crosses the road" for the first time, but the event goes unnoticed by the media except for the news truck that ran it over.

There is a funny dirty little war in Cuba, which was sparked by a farmer peeing in an outhouse. Someone whines about the smell, and then someone complains that Muhammad was insulted by the act of peeing in an outhouse, and soon all heck breaks loose.