People Are Getting Lobsters Stoned and Giving Octopuses MDMA

Here in the United States, more and more states and local governments are legalizing or otherwise decriminalizing marijuana thanks to the long list of health and psychological benefits which have been known to users since time immemorial and are just recently being proven by science. A strange new benefit of cannabis might be added to that list, but it’s likely not one that will help the legalization effort anytime soon. According to one Maine restaurateur, sedating lobsters with marijuana makes the creepy crustaceans happier before meeting their scalding hot deaths, leading to tastier meat.

Charlotte Gill, owner of Charlotte’s Legendary Lobster Pound in Southwest Harbor, Maine, is not only a restaurateur but also a licensed medical marijuana caregiver and grower. After cooking so many lobsters alive, Gill says she began to feel bad for the horrible little monsters, leading her to find a way to sedate and elate the animals before cooking them.

“Dude I’m so baked right now.”

Gill and her employees use an air mattress pump to infuse the water in their lobster tanks with marijuana smoke, sedating the disgusting bottom feeders before they are roused from their stoned stupor and plunged into a vat of boiling water, cooking them alive, beady little eyes and all. The method was tested on a lobster named Roscoe which reportedly remained in a good mood for weeks, spreading positive energy to the other lobsters in the tank which Gill says were mellowed out by Roscoe’s good vibes by proximity. While a lot of stoners out there are salivating at the thought of a new method of making edibles, Gill says there’s are no residual effects from eating the stoned lobsters other than a much better tasting meal:

The animal is already going to be killed. It is far more humane to make it a kinder passage. The difference it makes within the meat itself is unbelievable. Everything you put into your body is energy.

News of these baked lobsters broke almost the same time as a separate scientific study which found that giving octopuses MDMA made them want to hang out and cuddle one another, similar to the effects it has on some humans at EDM festivals and raves. While some have pointed out that this may indicate similarities between the human and octopus brains, one of the researchers involved says he’s “not a hundred percent convinced that this is doing the same thing in octopus and in human,” adding that this research “just shows us how much we don’t know and how much there is out there to understand.”

“You guys wanna listen to some Bassnectar and give each other backrubs?”

While it’s true there’s much we don’t know about the animal kingdom, I know one thing: when I want my food to taste better, it’s not the food that gets stoned first. What a waste of weed. Those octopuses can keep the molly, though. That stuff is a one-way ticket to teeth grinding and dehydration.