Surviving a day at Santa School

NEXT time you're at a shopping centre or department store over the festive season, spare a thought for any Santa you see. He has one of the toughest jobs out there.

The Mission

Being the spirit of Christmas is a rewarding task, yet one fraught with perils.

These range from tricky questions from precocious kids ("Why didn't you get me that Xbox last year, Santa?") to exposed cleavages when mothers hand over children, teenagers wanting to tug Santa's beard, the need to never break character, and having photos taken with many children all day with few breaks to "feed the reindeer" (Santa code for going to the bathroom).

Every year hundreds don the beard, glasses and red and white robes to play the part of the jolly gift-giver.

Bluestone Recruitment has run a Santa School program for more than 10 years, this year recruiting 600 jolly folk nationally for what it bills as "the world's happiest job".

I've decided to join the throng of Mr Clauses attending its Santa School in the Sydney suburb of Rosehill.

National Santa project manager Alan Ellis says: "It's a full-on training session, preparing Santas for what to expect, things they should and shouldn't do and say, and how to enjoy their Christmas experience."

I'm cuddly and jolly, so I should fit right in.

The Masterclass

The two dozen or so would-be Santas here for the five-hour masterclass are an assorted bunch.

Most are aged 45 and up. A good half are playing Santa for the first time. Some are jolly. Some are cuddly. Some are thin.

Some trade stories about shops and centres where they have worked that range from "dead as" to the constant activity of big stores in the CBD.

Santas can make decent money. Wages range upwards from $24 an hour plus superannuation. It's a good racket for the photographers, too, who can make months' worth of money in a few weeks.

Ellis says Santas must be "patient, love all children and be happy to impart that Santa image to children and families over Christmas".

You don't need natural extra padding.

"For those Santas who are challenged in the padding area we provide artificial bellies," Ellis says.

"We provide Santas with full costumes, including wig and beards and eyebrow crayons to make those eyebrows a little whiter."

As we sit down, Ellis starts off by asking a melon-scratcher: "How many different ways can you arrange the reindeer on Santa's sled (excluding Rudolph)?"

We struggle for a bit. Some people start low in the hundreds. Others shout out things such as eight to the power of eight without naming the number. No one has the answer. Finally Ellis supplies the number: 40,320.

Fortunately, there aren't 40,320 things that Santa needs to master, but knowing where the staff bathrooms are at the workplace is among them. His bathroom visits must remain as mysterious and unobserved as the Queen's.

The Dangers

Santa should never use the public toilets while off "feeding the reindeer".

Not only must Santa always stay in character, it would take maybe 30 minutes to remove the costume, go to the bathroom, put the costume back on and return.

"Maybe you could wear an astronaut nappy?" a would-be Santa quips.

Ellis runs through a whole section on harassment. We are a litigious society, and there are many traps Santa could run into - for instance, when a mother bends down to hand over a child, then later complains that Santa was staring at her breasts.

"Cleavage is Santa's worst enemy," Ellis says.

Santas should focus on the child's face, then place the child on his knee (never lap).

Santa's hands must be visible at all times.

He should indulge in no innuendo at all, either with the public or Santa's helper.

In the source material, one Santa was stood down for making a comment that "Mrs Claus is not up for it any more".

Santas should always greet and farewell visitors with a smile, Ellis says. In Santa's eyes, there is no such thing as a naughty child - he loves all children equally.

The Toys

Santa's primary subject of conversation is toys.

He should be across the latest styles and models for both boys and girls.

Santa must never promise that children will receive the gift they want. After all, that's the parents' job.

Santa does not do relationship disputes ("I want my mummy and daddy back together, Santa") or animals.

Ellis asks the student Santas how they would react to a request for a horse.

"The reindeer would get jealous," one Santa says. An excellent answer.

If a child turns up with his mother alone, Santa should never ask where Dad is.

"One kid told me his father was in jail," says a Santa at my table.

After lunch we discuss what's hot in toys this year. Forget wooden fire engines and marbles.

This year's top toys include gaming Batmobiles, Ben 10, a Spider-Man Mega Blaster Web Shooter (soon to be covering furniture across the nation with web fluid, to the delight of parents), the ever-present Barbie, Dora the Explorer and Disney princesses. Smurfs are making a comeback, too.

Finally we come to the subject of Santa's suit.

Four volunteers don the red and white robes, as someone shouts, "Off, off!" What does Santa wear under those suits? Just underwear and socks.

Santas are advised to drink lots of water while in the suits.

Smoking and drinking are verboten in them - no one wants a stinky Santa.

Santas can claim dry cleaning on expenses. And soaking wigs and beards in warm water using NapiSan is ideal for that fresh Mr Claus feel.

We end the session by singing The Santa Pledge, which is less binding than a Masonic pledge, but does include references to reindeer.

Many find being a store Santa a magical experience, but I'm not sure I'm cut out for it.

I don't think I could remain in good humour all day, or resist telling rowdy teenagers to rack off.