Loving and Being Loved When You’ve Been Hurt

We are sitting in a living room with robin’s egg walls, a lovely fragile color, and clean white trim. She asks it tentatively, as if throwing a pebble at a window. She doesn’t want to break anything. She just needs to release this question into the universe. “What if allowing yourself to be loved means being loved by someone who has hurt you?”

This is Suzie Eller talking, a brave woman who serves and speaks and writes. Jennifer Watson and I are with her and in front of us is a camera that’s rolling, rolling. We are live and the whole world is watching (or so it seems).

I pause for a moment, feel the weight of this question. We have been talking about how and why letting love in can be so hard. About how it seems we can all be in the business of construction with our hard hats or hard hearts. We know how to build walls. But, really, this is not what any of us want.

I say slowly as it comes to me like the slow light of sun over the horizon, “I think it’s about having a gate in the wall.” We don’t shut ourselves completely off but we don’t leave ourselves wide open either. This is the paradox of what it means to “above all else guard your heart” (Prov. 4:23) and at the same time follow the example of a Savior who stretched wide on a cross.

This gate swings both ways and we can lock it from the inside too. Through perfectionism or people-pleasing, legalism and trying so very hard. We turn the key and toss it over our shoulder. We tell ourselves we’ll dig it out of the dirt when we are finally worthy.

Or we bar the gate from the outside, too tired of all the broken people who scratch our souls with their sharp edges. We retreat to where it is pristine and safe, bubble wrap over everything and then wonder why we feel all alone. It’s learning to live without either extreme that is so hard.

If I had a security screener, like the ones at the airport, it would look like 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor others, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, protects, hopes, trusts and perseveres.

When we are deciding whether or not to open the gate we can evaluate, “What is the pattern of this person’s life?” If the answer aligns with 1 Corinthians 13 then it’s likely safe to let them through. But if the pattern sets off the alarms then it’s okay to be cautious. This doesn’t mean we don’t love that person; it simply means we don’t have to give them an all-access pass to our hearts.

And here’s a check for us too: Are we safe for others? Yes, even the relationships we value most will sometimes have disagreements and misunderstandings. But overall the pattern is to be love as God defines it.

Our time on video draws to a close and we offer this final thought: Let’s pause for a moment and ask God what’s going on with our “gate.” If it’s locked from the inside then let’s dare to allow ourselves to be loved as we are. If it’s barred from the outside then we can ask Him about the next step in the healing process.

Whatever is going on with our “gate” right now Jesus loves us and He wants to be with us where we are, as we are, today.

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That gate analogy and security screener is sooooo good. I wish I had heard this teaching/way of thinking years ago. When I was in an unhealthy marriage I would tear the wall down each time there was any meager offer of relationship and open my heart wide, only to have it broken again. This was the counsel I received at the time and it was destructive for me and my kids. It set the cycle for ‘crazy’ in our home that we could never break out of until the marriage and family ended. My children have had to learn to love with gates up and I’m so proud of how wise they are in this area.
Thanks for the great video and post. <3
Much love,
~Sherry Stahl
xoxo

Holley, I love the insight that the analogy of a gate in the wall gives us. I’m a (recovering) perfectionist and have struggled greatly with people pleasing. It’s an ironic thing in my life that my perfectionism created distance in my friendships, but at the same time the people pleasing caused me to leave myself wide open in the wrong situations. Thinking of it like a gate helps us create healthy borders. I am impacted by your sentence about Proverbs 4:23 – guarding our hearts while at the same time following the example of a Savior who spread His arms wide on the cross. Thank you, Holley, for giving us such a great insight today! Your words give me much food for thought! Blessings!

Holly. God through you sent this message at this very moment I’m trying to rebuild . I just couldn’t move forward until I understood everyone goes through hard time where love hurts. That’s it’s ok to love just don’t give my heart away under what I now see as false pretenses. This message was all inclusive to know I’m ok. I matter. Christ is always there! Thank you ,,

So much wisdom here, Holley. Your picture of the gate really depicts us being considerate but cautious with who we invite in. My pastor recently spoke about forgiveness and restoration in relationships and how we can’t confuse the two. Sometimes we have to release people to God with our forgiveness of them, but realize that restoration of relationship – opening our gate – simply isn’t His plan. You’ve poured out much grace for my heart today as I ponder this in my own life. Thank you!

Thanks for sharing Holley. I’m a recovering people pleaser myself and this was good stuff to hear.

You discussed the idea of telling people what you need in order to be loved – now assuming that you are in a right place with God and have people in your life in the right place (what I mean by this is not replacing God with people)- what do you do when opening yourself up in this way actually leads to rejection (even among those closest to you) – in the sense that people are too busy with work, their own families and life in general to be able to give anything? Do you have any insights as to how to respond to this?

Thanks for your question, Yvonne! I’ve found that it can sometimes be helpful in those situations to find out each other’s love languages. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ Sometimes folks are loving us and they’re just going about it in ways that are different than how we receive, or vice versa. For example, my husband’s love language is acts of service and mine are words/quality time. So when he was busy changing the windshield wipers on the car he was actually saying, “I love you.” It took a lot of honest conversations, practice and time to be able to “translate” and find ways for both of us to get what we needed. And a lot of grace along the way. Maybe that’s a starting point?

I enjoyed what you all had to say. It’s good to consider these things and try to see where we need to make changes.
I think one thing we might fail to think about sometimes when we have a need, and others see the need and want to show us love, is that God might be leading them in their offer, and that refusing their love may be depriving them of a reward or just depriving them of the happiness that they would have received in doing something nice for us. This, for me, is a motivation to accept the kindness of others, even sometimes when what they want to do for me might not be something that I would prefer.
So, rewording that, I think I can show love to others by letting them show me love, and if that is true, then maybe it could be said that I can withhold love from others by not allowing them to show me love. Does that make sense?

I wish I’d had this advice years ago when a particular man in our lives created a great deal of stress and havoc. I struggled and prayed to “love” this person, which I thought meant to feel warm affection for him in spite of his actions toward us. It wasn’t until years later I learned that “love” for the Christian is more of an action-word, not always a “feeling” word. We can act in loving ways in spite of how we might feel. I especially appreciated this advice of yours, Holley: “It’s okay to be cautious. This doesn’t mean we don’t love that person; it simply means we don’t have to give them an all-access pass to our hearts.” Well said!

Your words spoke to my heart. This is a hard time for my husband and I due to health issues. I have difficulty letting others know what I need, what would make me feel loved. I am asking God to help me open the gate, be honest and let them in. Thank you for your open dialog! Blessings!

Nice message, as always! Fortunately, the Lord has been doing a great work on me in the area of loving and being loved! I have usually lived in a tightly closed shell concerning my inner feelings for years before I found Jesus but as I grew and am growing in revelation of Who He really is and who I am in Him, I have gained a whole different perspective to love and being loved. I learned not to put the pressure on others for staying full of love or receiving love but rather to be dependent on Jesus for these needs. No one can love perfectly and we / others are always going to be disappointed, so why pressure anyone to being what they themselves are also struggling with, is my way of looking at things. We can love and be loved without a dependency which is usually the reason why we think we need a gate to our heart. There are so many wonderful scriptures related to the ‘heart’ and all of them direct us to giving it to God so that we can be filled with His love and wholeness.