As long as you know that there was no true abuse or neglect, what substantial reasons do adults have for estranging themselves from parents, siblings, families or such? Have you asked yourself that question?

It may not be easy to see that many adults who have estranged themselves as well as anyone else who wants to justify this type of behaviour, “estrangement doesn’t happen for no reason” and, “it has to be the parent(s) fault(s) so, change,” there’s a different reality as well as a question that should lurk behind everyone’s minds.

Is it not true that everyone walking this planet has to accept that other people are not going to be who or what one wants them to be? Does that mean that because we’re all not thinking exactly the same way about things or being who or what someone else wants us to be, we should estrange ourselves from them completely or, in layman’s terms, “walk away” from them?

Let’s take for instance John who wants to smoke weed. Does he only associate with Henry if Henry also smokes weed and forsakes everyone else?

For debate’s sake, let’s say that Henry doesn’t like to smoke weed. We can even add in that Henry hates weed of all sorts but, he accepts that John does smoke, vape or eat it. Henry’s only stipulation is that John not do it around or in sight of him or anyone else that can see it happening.

John complains bitterly about the idea that everyone he knows does it and, it’s now legal to do so, he’s going to do it no matter what Henry wants or thinks or feels or anyone else for that matter.

Henry then has a choice to make as does John. Both can estrange from one another of course but, Henry decides that there’s a compromise possible. Take it somewhere else and do it but, just not in front of him or his guests. It’s accepting John’s “habit” or whatever one wishes to call it but, it’s a boundary that Henry wishes to keep uncrossed. He’s compromised in some way.

John, however, becomes indignant about not being able to pull out his weed in some form and do it wherever he wants, whenever he wants. Not only does he hurl insults towards Henry but, he’s enraged that anyone could put up any sort of boundary for him and with him. How dare they do that to him! John proceeds to insult everyone around him as he has done in the past and he doesn’t shut up because he’ll find something wrong with Henry and Henry’s guests out of his own pure indignation.

Peter is with John and while Peter sees the point that Henry has made, Peter sits there quietly as John rambles on about anything and everything, not saying a word against anyone but, lets John rant on and on and on about every topic he can find to slam something or someone.

Meanwhile, one of Henry’s guests have had enough of the constant yammering that John has done and upon yet another insult, George has had enough and wants to make John shut up. George wants to pound John’s mouth closed but refrains from doing so and leaves the situation before he can do anything.

John leaves quickly with Peter in tow but, it doesn’t end there. John continues yammering on 24/7 until he convinces Peter that he should also stay away. What Peter hasn’t taken into account is that John hasn’t wanted to be around Henry all along so, Peter sides with John because John also provides Peter with his weed and is a roommate. It’s to Peter’s benefit to cut Henry and his guests out of the picture because it gives Peter what he wants in many different ways.

Meanwhile, Henry has also had enough of John’s nonsense because more has happened in terms of public and personal insults towards him that have nothing to do with what one could look upon on a surface view as the originating factor, smoking, vaping or eating weed whenever John wants. The reality is that John never wanted Peter to ever be part of Henry’s life, friends or whatever else Henry did. John wanted an ally in Peter and a huge part of that was because John wanted control over Peter as both a roommate as well as being his “puppet”. John wanted part of those who agreed with him, his goals, aims and such but, he wanted Peter under his thumb. Peter obliged because he got something from John and, let’s face it, John had done quite a number on Peter’s head and mind as well.

Henry, in the meanwhile, reached out to Peter, not understanding what had happened that had caused Peter to take John’s side or stance. Peter refused to answer because in all actuality, Peter though not stupid by any means, was both getting something from John that he wanted and it wasn’t worth the hassle of trying to change John’s stance or mind but, more key here was that Peter had no real reason for his own actions or choices. They were actually, John’s reasons that Peter had abided by.

Anyone can see by this example only that Henry had his right to refuse that John intake weed in front of him and his guests. John still had his right to have his weed and eat it too and, Henry had accepted that John did, giving him an alternative so that John could use the substance that he was so fond of using, not in front of Henry or his guests though. That was it and yet now, he really wanted no part of John because he saw what type of person John truly was and the circumstances that were running deeper than the entire weed debacle or the premise that John had put out as his reasonings. What neither Henry nor Peter counted on or could see was the fact that John never wanted Peter to have anything to do with Henry in the first place. The weed was simply a means to an end. Peter followed suit, not seeing the reality behind it all. Peter also walked away from Henry and eventually, Henry had to stop trying with Peter as well. It was going nowhere good fast for him to continue trying to get Peter to see how ridiculous John was being and resulting in both John and Peter staying away or estranging themselves from Henry and everyone else that Peter and Henry had ever known while John continued on with those whom he benefitted from having as part of his life. Peter was both the sucker and the puppet for John, believing in what John had to say about everyone that Peter knew or had as part of his life.

This scenario is to demonstrate how far off the mark that John and Peter were about the entire scenario and how John had orchestrated the entire event for other reasons. Peter simply followed suit because 1) he believed John who didn’t cease to find whatever he could to sway Peter to stay away from Henry and 2) reasons became so blown out of proportion by John towards not only Henry but, everyone Peter had ever known in his life and Peter couldn’t even give a true reason as to why he’d estranged himself from everyone other than what John had convinced him to believe.

Was Henry wrong to have had boundaries?

Absolutely not. Henry had not only compromised and tried to understand John and his habit, giving John and Peter opportunities but, not as John felt that he wanted it all to go. Henry had also reached out to Peter on many occasions, trying to understand why. Peter, instead had blamed Henry who had originally begun to question his own boundary initially. It was then that Henry realized that not only had Peter swallowed the bunk that John had dished out so freely to Peter but, that his boundary wasn’t at all unreasonable to have had with both John and Peter.

Henry’s reasonings were not only for himself but, for others around him as well. Henry had tried everything possible to both compromise his own boundaries with John but, had questioned them as well as asking himself over and over again what he’d done wrong and whether his boundaries were wrong to have had with John. Henry realized over time that both John and Peter had other ulterior motives for such behaviours and Henry gave up questioning, trying with even Peter. Both had estranged themselves from Henry for different reasons but, Henry had put down a boundary that wasn’t unreasonable for either to have respected or accepted.

Reasons for estrangement vary

There are as many reasons for estranging oneself as there are stars in the skies at night. Every person is different. Situations, people who estrange themselves as well as reasonings will differ greatly as well. Even backgrounds or growing up years will have differed between parties as well as tastes or, in this example, even people’s personal boundaries.

Does that mean that those who aren’t doormats should be estranged from or that the person estranging is correct?

What do you think? Do you believe that anyone who estranges themselves from someone or several others have reasons that are correct or even the real reasons? How about the idea that the person doing the estranging is someone to be believed? What about thinking that perhaps, those who have estranged from others may have their own agendas, be mentally unhealthy, benefits from estranging that suit someone else or something else? Why can it not be that the person doing the estranging has either believed someone else’s reasonings why they should estrange? Mental health issues seem to be at play here and while one can point the finger at someone else as the cause, does that make them right and the person estranged from, wrong? NO!

There’s a lot more that can be said on this topic but, before one is to go tearing themselves to shreds, taking on blame that is likely false or has something else laying beneath it all rather than what was uttered from their mouths if that much was done, one needs to stand back and take a good look at who they are as people first then, stop shredding oneself and taking on blame that may be worked up in someone’s mind but, isn’t reality.

From my little corner of life, I see it as though parents who have estranged adult children as a non-part of their lives, need to stand back and take the entire scenario as though it’s a crime scene. Be the detective and without personal attacks or taking on blame, be as objective as one can be about it all. There are as few reasons for estranging from parents as one can find two snowflakes exactly alike. If everyone were to estrange from everyone else who didn’t fit their criteria in all ways, no one would be speaking to anyone else. It’s a matter of people expecting that others will differ in one way or another and accepting that fact while carrying on with that person. We all do it. Our darling adults who have estranged are no different with us because they have a different expectation out of parents and that we should accept and do whatever it is that they want us all to do.

Like Henry, Peter and John, there were compromises by Henry. Need he blame himself for having a boundary or, were there other reasons behind John’s temper tantrum as well as Peter’s estrangement from Henry and everyone Henry knew? I say “yes”. What do you say?

Theoretically, objective analysis and seeing situation from another person’s eyes (in any relationship or interaction) is valuable but it is rare. Our biases run strong and deep against using this technique .
John is just a toxic person. Henry tolerated the weed habit but what has he getting out of maintaining the friendship? John and him did not seem to align in many other aspects either. And then it is just a matter of time before they drift.
Decided estrangement and drifting apart/losing touch are very different. I have lost touch with a lot of people – busy lives, different hobbies etc. I wouldn’t mind interacting or working with these people again. I have also blocked people out of my lives completely. I showed a lot of patience for a friend who took up drinking heavily and lost interest in parenting. It was alarming but I would still choose to support a trusted friend making choices I disagreed with and thought were hurting them and others. Long story but a day came when I walked away and never looked back; there has to be a minimum expectation of trust and principles. Henry should not blame himself for having boundaries; our own personalities reflect the people we spend time with and these people shouldn’t be ones that drag us down.

Agee totally that people like John need to realize that they are toxic people to others and hurt them in the process of getting whatever it is that they want out of life.

I think that even as a parent, there are times when people and parents alike, need to recognize when something is good or bad for not only themselves but, for others as well. My own mother was an alcoholic and she did tremendous damage even though everyone around her (myself included as I aged) tried to beg her to stop her drinking and the abuse that she had created through it. I never did estrange from her and even nursed her through her final illness, taking her in to live with me until she eventually died when I was 29 years of age.

Now my own daughter (who I raised so differently and WITHOUT alcohol in any way) has estranged because of a “John” like character who is toxic to her but, she’s also likely very much like him now, it seems. You are right. We are the company that we keep, aren’t we?

In this instance or example, I’d say that John was out to get whatever he could out of manipulation of Peter and that Henry was putting up with John because of Peter and not wishing confrontation or alienation from Peter. Again, it’s just an example for demonstration purposes but, I do believe that nothing would have stopped “John” and that “Henry” was simply prolonging the inevitable by tolerating John’s attitude. Who knows though? In this scenario, it certainly seems that way anyway.

HUGE HUGS to you for being so nice to comment. Much appreciated. XO XO XO (I have visited your blog as well and I intend on re-reading a few entries that you’ve written.).

The post really hit home with me. I was basically stuck with a “John” who thought I was “Peter” but I decided to be “Henry” and it didn’t go well. Not just for myself, but it bothered me to see her become that absent, dismissive parent for the kids that I watched grow up over the years. Things got so bad that estrangement was the best choice I had in the end. I still think about those kids a lot and it breaks my heart. Sorry to hear what you had to go through but I am also happy to see that you grew into the person with the insight that this blog shows.

Thank you, TMP. I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through what you have as well. Life can be so cruel, can’t it? it’s tough enough with outside influences, let alone those who are considered parts of our “Inner circles”, isn’t it? HUGE, HUGE HUGS XO XO XO