Oh, jeez. I actually originally got on here to blog about this and get it out, but my musings brought me in another direction.. and I am very satisfied with that direction- however.. I just need to.. GET THIS OUT.. because it hurt me very much. And if my boyfriend and I hadn't broken up, this was already going to be the THING that really got me in gear.. I've just been holding this in, and it hasn't seemed as important as everything else.

A day or so before the break up, I was walking home and some guys were in the bushes across the street from me, hidden away from me. But they were yelling things like "Hey fatty! You in the yellow coat! Faatttttty"... I just.. held my head up and ignored them.. and then.. I didn't even tell my boyfriend.. because I was so ashamed. So humiliated. And I already knew the break up was coming. And yes, I further compounded that shame by crying about it at home by myself - I shouldn't have let it affect me to that extent.. but things were already rocky with my boyfriend and I.. my world was closing in.. and THAT was when I knew I had to change. I had to do better for MYSELF..

I didn't tell him. There was no point by that time. The funny thing was, he was all worried that my new determination was simply to keep him.. I couldn't tell him that it was because I never wanted to know that embarrassment and shame again.

I don't even know if I would have told him if things had been good between us. Like they used to be. But I guess I've been carrying this around all week, and with everything else going on, I just.. I needed to get it out and move on from it. Sorry. I know this really isn't a fitness blog. It's a *feelings* blog.

Whew. It's been one hell of a ride this week. The ending of one way of life. The beggining of another. Through all of these emotions, one thing has continued to push me. I don't know what will happen with my ex and I. Do I dream of getting my self together and getting back with him some day? Absolutely. Am I banking on it? No. I don't know what the future holds for the two of us. I know that I respect him as a person. I love him unconditionally, with my whole heart and soul. But that is an outcome that will unfold at a later time. I do know 100% what the future holds for me.

Almost as if I had a crystal ball, I can look ahead into the future months. I can see my determination and resolve. I can see my back smoothing and becoming sleek and flat. I can see my thighs shrinking. My arms toning. My saddle bags slowly melting away. I can see each milestone with the scale. My reactions, my feelings-partial disbelief, accompanied with pride and the most overwhelming feeling of accomplishment. Every day I train hard, and push myself to higher levels of resistance on the elliptical, I'm going to visualize finally overcoming this obstacle in my life.

Already my body is changing! I've lost 7 pounds since 6/2. I'm losing inches. When I look at myself in the mirror, I can see the results- the pay off to my hard work.

Sometimes, that overwhelming sadness seeps in. I wake up every morning at the same time I used to get up to help him get ready for work. Since every body else is sleeping at that time.. I just have time to think. And think. And think. Sometimes.. I am so mad at him. Often times.. I am so mad at myself. And sometimes I'm sad. But when I feel these things.. .. I know how important it is to just FOCUS on my goals. I have all the time in the world now to work out. I don't have to worry about cooking big meals for a guys appetite. Although I promise I am writing down my calories to try to make sure I get at least the minimum I need to stay healthy- with a focus in protein.

I am very proud of myself. Today.. I made my first investigative foray into the *scary* side of the gym. Usually, I just stay on *my* side and watch the people over there sort of longingly and feel like that part of the gym may as well be another county. Today.. I just made up my mind and marched (okay, maybe slunk) over there.. and asked a couple questions. Tomorrow, I'll do more. And the next day... and the next :)

I'm basically just updating this blog to let my pals know how I've been, as I've been staying with family and don't have constant access to the web. Also.. I just need to get my feelings out, and analyze everything. While I've been doing my best to not focus on what I've lost, but instead focus on everything I have to gain... ... ...

Hey guys- I'm still trying to sleep.. but, in all honesty.. I'm terrified of that moment between dreaming and waking... where for one second everything is fine.. and then it hits you all over again. I know some of you were worried... I'll be okay.

Jillian Michaels will have to be set on the back burner, as I am now staying with relatitives, and there isn't room for that-However, those measurements still stand. I am joining the local gym tomorrow. I will have my elliptical trainer back. And I will dominate it.

I told my (ex) boyfriend.. that I would wow him. And yes. I want that. I want that so bad. But I have ALWAYS had it in my mind to be strong and shapely, and to look great in dresses, and to get fit enough to MAYBE become a fitness trainer, or something along those lines. And YES, I absolutely want those things for ME.

We never know where life will take us, or what curve balls will be thrown.. but I wouldn't throw away the time I've had with him for anything. He taught me how to love, and to be loved in the best way. I hope some day.. well.. I won't even go there now.

For all of you ladies out there who don't think they're good enough for their man, and do everything they can to please him.. Start thinking about pleasing yourself first. If he's a good man, he will be happiest if you are happy.

It's time to focus on ME. And I know exactly what to do. I'll keep up the monthly measurements- I'm not defeated. I'm on fire.

[[ I'm going to add here that I've done 30 Day Shred before (the whole cycle through), and I have done it just randomly when I want a great exercise. I technically started yesterday, but what the heck.]]

Weight: 269.4

Bust: 45.75

Chest: 41

Stomach: 49 inches (Just realized this when I measured- personal goal to get out of the 50's ACCOMPLISHED)

So, I'm sort of trying to compile a list of lies I tell myself to make being overweight *feel* better to me. I'm hoping that if I tell myself any one of these lies again, I will be in a better place to recognize, stop it in it's tracks, and redirect that thought to something that will be more constructive to myself, and ultimately benefit me & my journey.

Lie Number One: I carry my weight well. You wouldn't be able to tell I weighed this much. (This is not true. I've seen the pictures.)

Lie Number Two: I must not be *that* overweight, because I'm still flexible enough to put my feet behind my head, and do any number of cardio activities that a lot of other people my size can't do. (Well, yes, it's true I can do these things. And it's true I am overweight. So couldn't I do A LOT MORE when I lost my weight?)

Lie Number Three: These jeans look okay. (I know this isn't true, when I'm walking around and they're squeezing my organs together.. and immediately after lunch I have to secretly unbutton the top and unzip them halfway.. no way.)

The lies I tell myself to make myself feel better about being overweight have piled up over the years. Ultimately, for me, the truth is NO.. I don't enjoy ducking away from the camera. I don't enjoy HAVING to pose for the camera with what I'm sure comes out as a very strained smile during Christmas parties. The truth, for me, is.. there is no *Monday*.. because on Monday, there will always be an excuse. There is here & now.

In all honesty, I tell myself a lot more fibs than this- but once I started writing, I forgot some.. but they'll come back to me, and I'll make sure to edit it :) Because lying to myself.. has to stop.

When I was going through the hardest time period of my life, I developed a sort of saying for myself.. "Let the pain hit me, and then let it wash away." Well- I have always had a problem with internalizing things, pretending everything is okay- even when I'm binging, my weight is ballooning out of control, whatever the case may be..

At that time in my life, however.... I finally let myself ACKNOWLEDGE what was wrong.. Analyze it, do whatever I needed to do.. and then I would breathe deeply, and try to feel all of that pain, stress, tension, etc., flow out of my body.

I know it probably sounds hooky.

But it really worked, ya know?

Anyway, when I got back in to this relationship with my boyfriend, I had spent the previous 9 months we had been separated working on myself. I had affirmation cards. Everything. I don't want to be one of those women who get so wrapped up in their relationship that everything else falls to the side. Because.. I kinda tend to do that. This past August, I was at 247 pounds. And that was the lowest I had been in (well, almost (240 was actually the lowest)) in 5 years.. I had access to a gym every day, and I DOMINATED that Elliptical Trainer :p

In September, we moved in together, and .. we're a good couple.. we're a GREAT couple.. but then .. I get so wrapped up in that.. it's like I start forgetting about wanting things only for myself and not for my boyfriend- and he notices these things, and he tries to tell me that he wants me to go out, do my own thing, etc.. And I know it's because he fell in love with the *Me-When I'm happy, independent, and have all kinds of goals for myself*.. not the *Me-that doesn't go anywhere, do anything, and my hours were severely cut at my job, so my self confidence is completely floundering*... He loves me, I know he does (and I love him :) ).. but what's important.. is I NEED to get back to that point where I love myself, and I'm willing to put myself back in the spotlight of my life...

Last night, I was thinking *Do I care about this relationship enough to save it, and do what I have to do to lose my weight? (answer to myself, YES)... but somehow, that wasn't enough for me.. and then I realized I was asking myself the wrong question.. it should have been..*Do I care about MYSELF enough??* The answer? Yes. I will make myself a priority. Me first. Relationship stuff second.

I can't expect somebody to love me unconditionally if I won't even show myself that same love.. does that make sense? It does to me. And I guess that's what this little blog was for :)