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Friday, May 27, 2011

In His grace, God has brought me back again to Habakkuk to gently redirect me and point out my own sinfulness. How sweet He is with His children, yet never yielding His own glory or sovereignty. How loving He is to hold us in His arms while we hurt, but then show us a bit of His splendor when the tears have been wiped away and our hearts are ready to hear.

"Of what value is an idol, since a man has carved it? Or an image that teaches lies? For he who makes it trusts in his own creation; he makes idols that cannot speak" Habakkuk 2:18 What an idol I have started to create to replace the God of the Bible. My idol doesn't take children to heaven at age twelve. My idol just might not have eternity planned out from beginning to end, including February 18, 2011. My idol just might not understand a mothers breaking heart. My idol wouldn't make their children hurt to pry their hands off of this world and turn their deceiving hearts to needing no other earthly thing, replacing it with their only need being God Himself. My idol needed to be smashed before I carved any more details into it.

"Has not the Lord Almighty determined...." Habakkuk 2:13 Has not the Lord Almighty determined the ways of salvation? Has not the Lord Almighty determined how His glory will be revealed in the most magnanimous ways? Has not the Lord Almighty determined He would answer my prayers and make Trent dwell in heaven for eternity? Has not the Lord Almighty determined that He would prove Himself faithful beyond what I could comprehend without this? Has not the Lord Almighty determined the ways and the end and the depth of this pain and grief, only to prove Himself more faithful? Has not the Lord Almighty declared that this life is a mist, even mine? Has not the Lord Almighty used this as a wake up call for not only me, but so many others for salvation, that in eternity I will praise Him all the more?

"But the righteous will live by his faith...." Habakkuk 2:4b Will I live by my faith? Faith in what? My own ideas and idol of this God of the universe, or the real God who I only know through my Bible? My faith is so small. My mind so quickly forgets His promises. My heart is so easily swayed by the pain. How gracious of God to be the one who is faithful.

"For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea." Habakkuk 2:14 But the earth is not yet filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord. We still live in enemy territory. The deceit is everywhere~ it trickles into even the believers heart and makes us lose hope. We live short minded and get discouraged. I forget the end. I only know how to live in the now. But one day, one day, the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord. One day I will live eternally with my Savior. How I long to be found living faithfully until that day comes. How I long to be trusting and serving until it comes, rather than crying in my bed. How I long to walk it hand in hand with Jesus.

"But the Lord is in His holy temple; let all the earth be silent before Him." Habakkuk 2:20 God knows what He's doing. How I pray for Him to let me trust Him in that. I try to envision Him sitting on His holy throne, His robes filling the courts, the multitude of angels and witnesses, with Jesus on His right side, with Trent before Him, face to face, knowing what I cannot imagine, longing to see for myself. The Lord is in His holy temple and He does know what He's doing. One day I will too. For today I just trust.

"His splendor was like the sunrise; rays flashed from His hand, where His power was hidden." Habakkuk 3:4 "His ways are eternal." Habakkuk 3:6b Splendor that I cannot even imagine. Power that I cannot even imagine. Eternity that I cannot even imagine. I bow, humbled, before this amazing God who loves even me.

"For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told" Habakkuk 1:5b Again, I am humbled to think of how I doubt God's sovereignty. How can I believe what I cannot see? How can I believe when the waves of pain threaten to overtake? Because God said so. I hold on to my life preserver. One day, one day....

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights." Habakkuk 3:19 Praise your name Lord Jesus.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Tomorrow is camp. The first camp without Trent. I don't want to go without him. I don't want another first. I don't want to smile all weekend and I don't want to cry all weekend. I don't want it to be the day before camp without him and have to trust God for this too. I don't want to pack and not pack his clothes. I feel like just packing him a bag anyway because then it's not the first, somehow part of him will be there with us. I don't want to see the zip line. I don't want to be a chicken and not jump off like I said I wanted to three months ago. I don't want it to be three months without him. I don't want to wait the rest of my life to see him again. I don't want to go into the dining hall and not see him first in line. I don't want to sit in chapel and not see his ken-doll locks in the first row. I just want to go back to bed and stay there until I die. I don't want to be strong and I don't want to be weak. I don't want to do this without him. It just hurts. There is no cure for missing somebody, not even time. Do I quit missing my son in three months, three years, thirty years? How do I live for thirty more years missing him? Yes, I trust God, yes I know this is for a purpose, yes I know Trent is in heaven, but I still miss him. Help me Lord, I can't do this today.

God continues to allow us to laugh. What a gift in itself. Through the heartache and the pain God continues to sprinkle in much joy. I was in the classroom hanging up a timeline picture the other day when I happened to look over at Trent's desk. His books and belongings were still piled on top of it, but one tablet had fallen to the floor. It was his spelling tablet. I had intended to just put it back on the desk, but I longed for a bit of him so I opened it up to see his twelve-year-old-boy handwriting, expecting pages full of word lists. There on the first page was an essay he had written and as I continued to turn the pages more essays were mixed in amongst the spellings lists and tests. To think of the days, just months ago, that he wrote those honest, silly words about his bad attitude brought us all near to tears from laughing so hard. This boy, who hardly wrote anything, had left us a bit of himself for such a time as this. How I miss him and long to hear his laughter again.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

How are you doing? I am beginning to dislike that question more and more. Do you mean how am I right now? How was I twenty minutes ago? Do you really care how I am or are you just asking to be polite? Do you really want to know or should I just smile?

Do you know how I am this morning? The coffee pot broke. Ka-put. It's an old time percolator and it may have perked it's last perk. Some days lately it makes black coffee, and some days it makes yellow water. I dumped the first pot today and tried again and got the same yellow water. That's how I am today. I've cried. I've sought God. I've washed laundry. Now I sort. Sort thoughts and theology and plans for the day. Fight the tears again and trust God again. Look away from where Trent always sat on the couch, then look back. Consider, again, seriously looking for an antique trunk to finish packing away the rest of his earthly belongings, then decide I really don't want them put away. I don't want him forgotten in our daily lives yet. I want the reminders surrounding me. I take another drink of my yellow sugar water and consider visiting Russell for some real black coffee. But I need to cry by myself first.

Scripture puts things into perspective. Paul reminds me that God really does know what He is doing, that the most important thing is that the gospel goes forth, that to die is gain~ even for your son, that to go on living in this body means fruitful labor, that God who began this good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. So I commit myself again to wait. I will strive to do everything without complaining, allowing God to work in me, trusting that as I hold on to and hold out the word of life that God will make it shine like the stars in the universe.

I will try to find joy in being poured out like a drink offering for God's glory, forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I will press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus because I know that my citizenship is in heaven, not on this earth, and I eagerly await my Savior from there. Again, I will rejoice because I know that my Savior is near and that He will guard my heart and my mind and will meet all my needs according to His glorious riches. Armed with that knowledge I will face the day, the kids, the schooling, the chores, the critters and the coffee pot for round number three. Lord willing.

Monday, May 23, 2011

I should change my name to Anna, and maybe I'll add Simeon as a middle name or a last name. I might just move into the temple, too, and spend all my time fasting and praying, worshiping God night and day. All the more the only thing I find myself doing is looking for the Lord's return, longing for that trumpet call, waiting and worshiping my God. My hands and my body are moving, they continue to find work to do to keep them busy, but my heart and my mind are constantly with God. How long, oh Lord, how long? How long do I have to keep hurting? How long until my Savior comes, bringing His rewards with Him? When will I see your righteousness and your glory for myself? I call upon you, Lord, and will give you no rest until I see you. My heart cries out for you in my distress, save me, in your love and mercy redeem me, lift me up and carry me. I take delight in you, oh Lord, I rejoice in you. How long? How long, oh Lord? I am tired of this world. I am tired of sin. I am tired of pain. I am tired of being prim and proper rather than screaming the insanity from the rooftops. I am tired of faking it. I am tired of pretending. I don't fool you, God, for you know my real heart. In you I am who I am, who you made me, there is no pretending, only joy and freedom. Let me be all the more in you. Use my tears, dear Lord, let them be turned into a crown of splendor in your hands, a royal diadem in the hand of my God. Let your righteousness and your glory be seen through them. Let me see your righteousness and your glory through them. Let me see past the hurt and the pain and see you.... see your hand and your plan and your end results. Hold me in your arms, in the palm of your hand. Just love me, Lord. I can't figure out the theology and the rights and the wrongs of it all today God. I just need you.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined, then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Our weakness {will be} turned to strength. God has said "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

There is this part of grief that I am not sure if anybody has coined a term for yet. I call it stark-raving crazy. Doubt that one will make the books, but I think I should get as much of a say as anybody else who's never been in my shoes of grief before, so that's my term for it. It's the days that you want to say "Okay God, enough, I trust you, let me wake up now." The days that you just want to go pull your son out of the closet and say "April fools! HAHAHAHA! Fooled you all!" The days that you just want somebody to commit you to the insane asylum so you can get an IV hooked up in several different veins with lots of good drugs and go to some happy place from three months ago. Those days usually come after a couple of good days. All of a sudden it hits you after a time of total bliss and contentment and joy and smiling and wondering what in the world could you have ever been so sad about because your son is in HEAVEN after all! Then BAM! How could I be happy that my son is dead? Oh yeah, that's right God, this is the pit you were talking about when my mind takes over and my spirit forgets what your word says. Those guilty feelings that I was having for being happy for your peace always bring me right back to this same miry, nasty, deep, painful pit. Throw that rope down here, will ya? I wanna go back to happy. I wanna be done now. I don't want my son to be dead anymore God.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Along with the sunshine God has brought joy again to my heart! At least with the morning coffee and time in His word. Afternoons get hard, nights usually harder, and I am ignoring the fact that tomorrow is the 18th. But this morning~ JOY! And I'm taking it! Joy for a God who saves! Joy for a son in heaven! Joy that I can trust God until I get there!

Here's a little spiritual twist that came up in the garden yesterday while Alexis and I were planting peas. Somehow, as we were talking about Trent, the conversation turned to the subject of coveting. Coveting, in a grande form, of God's plan for Trent's life. As we mourn and weep for ourselves it is so easy to turn that sorrow into a reason to not live the lives that God gave us and to quit seeking the good works that He prepared for us to do while we are here.

Now I don't mean to dismiss mourning, not at all, but rather to point out just a glimpse of the depth of misunderstanding that we as sinful human creatures have of this almighty God and how little we really know or trust Him. This was God's plan for Trent's life, just as God plans other things for other peoples lives that He will be glorified in it.

In some way my brain is trying to wrap itself around the thought to figure out Trent's complete joy in being in heaven along with finding my own joy here (the parallel of Trent being where he is and me being where I am/heaven's joy versus earth's joy) and somehow equaling out to God's master plan throughout it all. If I've lost you in my brain tracking, don't worry, I haven't quite figured it out yet either. But somehow, in God's master plan, it is good for Trent to be in heaven while we are all still here...........

I loved these verses from Psalm 126 this morning:

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. The Lord has done great things for us, we are filled with joy!

Monday, May 16, 2011

My brain feels fried. I feel it longing to go numb and I fear numb more than I fear pain. I feel like I am on overdrive, stuck in four wheel mode, working it too hard, and it is getting tougher to decipher things clearly lately. I force myself to write in the hopes of dislodging it and sorting a few things out. To lay the words on paper, or in cyberspace, to get them out of my head. To leave them here to come back to if ever need be, even for no other reason than a way to remind myself of the fingerprints of God throughout this journey of Trent's death. To free my brain and lay my burdens down at the foot of the cross. The weight lessens with every word that is released.

I miss the first days after Trent died. I miss the absolute assurance of God's promises. The freshness of them and the great hope in them. Somewhere along the line in the past near three months the cares of this world have snuck in. My flesh and my desires have overruled. My longings have become greater than the word of God. My heart has deceived me yet again. "Set me free from my prison, Lord, that I may praise your name" I cry as the psalmist cries. Let the praise be again from my lips, from my heart, from my whole being.

But I replace praise with wishing. Wishing Trent would just come down those steps again this morning. Wishing it really was his voice that I heard while I was digging in the freezer in the garage. Wishing he could see the barn work that we dreamed about. Wishing I could care that the garden is almost planted. Wishing that he could be the one trapping that pesky gopher in the yard instead of waiting for Rob to do it. Wishing I could feel him in my arms again. Wishing I would hold my other children tighter rather than being a zombie mother. Wishing I wouldn't fight with my husband when I really just want to cry with him and have him hold me while I do. Wishing I could be brave enough to just let the tears flow when they need to flow. Wishing I would draw near to God again and really trust His sovereignty and be content to patiently wait.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Terri, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. God did redeem Trent from all of his sins and has only done what pleases Him and answered all my prayers for my son's salvation in doing it.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I planted a little victory garden ~ a victory over death garden. As painstaking as it was to stand at the seed display at Farm and Fleet a couple of weeks ago and pick out nearly every blue flower they carried, I did it. Trent's favorite color was blue. Not that blue flowers will bring him back, but blue flowers will remind me over and over again of the victory that we will one day have in Christ. Those blooms will remind me that death has no victory; that separation by death is only for a short while. They will remind me of God's beauty that is continuously poured out on His children. They will remind me that life goes on and can be beautiful, even in pain. They will remind me of Trent and how much I love him.

Friday, May 13, 2011

"They do not cry out to me from their hearts but wail upon their beds." Hosea 7:14a

Lately I have been doing more wailing upon my bed than crying out to God from my heart. It hasn't gotten me anywhere, other than running away from God and losing sight of His perspective. When I can't write I know I'm not dealing with things and only find that stuffing doesn't help either. So I write~ short, choppy, no elegance, ugly, pain, sorrow, blunt, hard, did I say ugly already. I like things pretty, I like things comfy and antiquey, a few scuff marks are cute and add character. But raw is where the scuff marks begin. Right now I feel raw. Pure blood and gore and ooze. Ripped wide open raw, and it hurts to the depths of my soul. Pain with no balm other than time. A good friend encouraged me by reminding me that missing my son is not distrusting God. So I crawl into the lap of my Heavenly Father and cry again. I go back to His word and find strength again. And then I go back to my bed and wail upon it again. I acknowledge God who has ordained all of this, even the hurt. I praise Him that Trent is with him. Then I cry for my own pain of missing my son. For a world where there is sin. For the sorrow involved. And then He tells me It Is Okay~ okay to hurt, okay to laugh, okay to cry, okay to dance. So I go on again hurting, laughing, crying, waiting, healing, missing.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Sorry for the silence lately friends~ I have been doing quite a bit of personal writing and guess I just wrote myself out. I find writing can be exhausting and yet so healing at the same time. Sometimes it takes more effort to sit at a computer desk and pour out your heart than to do twelve hours of physical work. I tried the physical work route yesterday and found that my brain still wasn't done processing a bunch of things ~ guess I can't run, hide, or work my way away around the pain of missing my son. Blah! I'm tired of making people cry I guess, and also wanted a break from making myself cry. I've been writing a lot about God's work in my life and thought I was cried out, but I'm not. On to something else.....

Farm life has been keeping us busy with lots of new critters and spring projects that beckon to be finished. Posts and pictures to come soon, Lord willing. Over the weekend Rob took Alexis and Grace with some friends and their youth group down to a John Piper conference in the twin cities (which was amazing I hear), but {I'm gonna cry again} it was so bittersweet because last year Trent was with, another first. But I know where he is, and the God he is with, which makes this tolerable.

I made it through Mother's Day~ thanks for the sweet thoughts and the encouragement that day all you special ladies who were thinking of me. I am not too big on dates and holidays, but it was still the first. Our tradition for the last couple of years has been to work a little more on the horse arena and this was the year that I was hoping to get the entrance sign hung that was last years mother's day gift. I didn't even have the gumption to ask, so settled instead for a nice card, hugging my children and movie night on the couch.The sun is shining and the day beckons, along with the school lessons and crying goats. Off to see if there's one more cup of coffee first..........

Bad dreams. Skates, not skis, highways, cars, trucks, trees, accidents, where is the body? Attempts at prayers of thanksgiving and the beginning of despair. Closing my eyes shut tight again until I can face the day and let the rejoicing be from my lips and not just the cry of my heart. One peak at the day. Colors beyond description. The sun just beginning to rise above the horizon. Glowing in an otherwise overcast sky. God's glory rises like the morning sun. The heavens declare His majesty. As I lay in bed refusing to open my eyes my God has been continuing on with His work that is glorious. And I almost missed it because of my own fear of simply opening my eyes to see it. I stand in awe once again, hands raised, and praise the God above who gives and takes away. He knows what He is doing, and He is rejoicing over it.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

May 4, 2011
I like good days. The days when I can keep it all in perspective, or rather the days that I draw near again to God. The days that He allows peace and joy and smiling and actually feeling emotions beyond pain. I have tried so hard to just be where God has me~ the good, the bad, the ugly. I don't like the ugly. I don't like the pain or the heartache or the despair of grief. But God leads us there sometimes. Maybe to see the depth of sin that lead to death? Maybe to hold us closer? Maybe so on the good days we cling to Him all the more?

Today is a good day, at least a good morning. Only one episode of longing, close to tears, a desperate wanting of my son. I have made it a requirement that before I open my eyes and crawl out of bed I praise God and thank Him for letting Trent be in heaven. Acknowledging God's sovereignty and goodness to His children. Reminding Him and myself of the sweet verses in Scripture. Never will He leave me or forsake me; I am in the palm of my Heavenly Fathers hands; God is leading me; nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, not even death; God causes all things to work for the good of His children; these present sufferings will not be worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us; eternity is a very, very long time and I get to enjoy it all with Trent.
"I know that joy does not depend on circumstances; it depends on my openness to allowing Your Spirit to have control in my life. Lord, I surrender my life to You today. Make me to be known as a person of great joy." Author unknown.

You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11

May 2, 2011
Grief never stops. Sometimes I just wish I could shut it off for a while and go have a coffee break. Go back just for a bit to what life used to be like. Other times I realize I have just gone five minutes without thinking about Trent and then feel guilty that I should be thinking about him. Sometimes I wonder if he really knew how much I loved him. If I remembered to tell him how much I loved him the night before the accident. Why I didn't kiss him goodbye before I left that morning. I wonder why it had to be this way. I wonder how I will go on every day missing him so bad. Why I ever took one little thing for granted. Why I ever yelled so much or insisted his school always had to be done to perfection. Sometimes I wonder what I will do when I finally wear out all of his socks and have to buy new ones. Sometimes I can't recall his voice. Or his giggle. Or where he sat at the dinner table. Or what his favorite dessert was. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Nearly every night I cry myself to sleep. I don't want to enjoy life without him. Sometimes I realize this isn't just a nightmare.

Some days I want to be free from it. I don't want it to be my son who died. Sometimes I realize that just because one child died does not exempt me from any other children dying. Some days I fully trust God for that and others, well, other days I hold them closer. Some days I can't see past this world. I feel the shackles of the bondage of sin that hold me so tight here. I long to see heaven with my own eyes. I long for Trent. I long to hold on. To wait patiently. I long to quit crying. I long for the peace and trust again. I long to be held by my Heavenly Father who said He will wipe away every tear...... some day.

Just had to get down some of my Sunday morning church thoughts. First of all I stand amazed at God. At the way He answers prayers, ordains things for His glory, for how He places people in our lives, in the many ways He moves through His children. Overwhelmed and in Total Awe of God, Peace and Truth and Righteousness, Praise, Honesty, Confession, Forgiveness, Grace, the Power of Prayer, Trust, Conviction, Laughter, Tears, Hugs, Friends, Eternity, Mortality, Salvation. All in a matter of 90 minutes. And to think I was going to stay home in my PJ's and cry over spilt milk.

None of the stories are mine to tell, but oh how I was blessed to be in the midst of God working this morning in that sanctuary. The power of removing our Sunday morning masks and being real in front of each other~ isn't that what a group of believers is all about? To carry each others burdens, to lift up prayers begging for grace and wisdom and the ability to trust God in His sovereignty, embracing each other when we are struggling, forgiveness when we have sinned, sharpening each other with the Word, laughing together, encouraging each other, saying goodbye as others are standing next to the edge of eternity and preparing to meet God. I love those people and what God is doing in their midst.
As believers do we even have a glimpse of what the cross cost? As Blaine prayed that before taking communion this morning it made me stop and consider the last two months in our lives. It is so easy to talk about God and Jesus and a wooden cross a couple of thousand years ago. But do we even have a clue? To feel the pain of loss that we are feeling now I don't think many of us even begin to understand what salvation cost, myself included.

I have been pondering the cross from God's side the last few days. Trying to imagine the perfect harmony of the relationship of the trinity and then to have that broken as the Son left heaven to enter a fallen, sinful world. Was there not the pain of loss there, even for God? In God's perfect sovereignty over salvation He Himself had to endure the loss of His own Son. And to consider the pain of turning His back on Jesus on that cross when our sins were laid on Him~ could you even begin to imagine turning your back on your own son in the moment of His greatest need? Although we feel the loss of Trent, God never asked us to turn our back on him like He had to on His own Son. It is too much to even comprehend.
Do we really believe that should have been us on that cross rather than Jesus? How many times do we mouth that? Who really thinks his own depravity is actually worthy of being hung from a cross? We have accepted the rewards of salvation without considering the cost of salvation. An easy salvation would not be worth obedience, or worth offering our own lives in response. Is the reason we minimize obedience because we have minimized what salvation cost? What about the joy of suffering with/for Jesus? Jesus suffered for the joy set before Him. He did not go to that cross because He loved us all so much, Scripture says He went to the cross out of obedience to His Father first. Let's split a few hairs here. If we think Jesus died a horrific death out of love for a fallen creation than salvation is all about us. But scripture says that everything is all about Gods glory and He will not share that glory with anyone or anything. Out of obedience Jesus submitted Himself to the will of the Father. It makes a difference when we talk about What Would Jesus Do if we don't know why Jesus did what He did. If Jesus is really the example in a believers life than the believer should strive all the more to be obedient to God through what Scripture says because that is what Jesus modeled~ submission and obedience.

And how about the issue of sovereignty~ Why is it so hard to allow God his Sovereignty? It's easy in the "good" things, but how about in the hard things? Freedom is found in simply acknowledging God's complete sovereignty and trusting Him for whatever He will do. We do not have to understand it to accept it. God said it, who are we to argue with His wisdom? Do we really think we know better than the creator of the universe? The God who knows how many hairs are on your head as well as how many tears you have ever cried can take care of all the other details as well. Joy is found in simply trusting and believing Him, for what He has already done and for what He will do. He is the potter, we are the clay.
All these things continually run through my brain. No wonder God ordained that we will spend an eternity with Him~ it will take that long to reveal how amazing He is. Every day He will show Himself to only be better than the day before. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, it is the honor of kings to search it out. Aahh, sweet Sundays, they come once every seven days.

April 30, 2011
I sit here this morning reading your comments, friends, and see first hand all over again how good God is to our family. Comments like Sonja's about how God has layed Cole on her heart lately and how she has faithfully prayed for him brought tears to my eyes. Friends like Cathy who responded with a covering of prayer and a sweet email to check on me because God layed me on her heart the day that just "happened" to be when I opened the mailbox to discover the autopsy report. As I hid in the garage and bawled over reading it the thought of her prayers being lifted up on my behalf, and the God who ordained them, sustained me. Friends and sisters and moms who just email or call or stop by~ don't underestimate God's leading. Thank you for being faithful to respond. This is tough, and tougher yet at various times or days for various odd reasons. Somewhere there is a battle going on beyond what we see here. Nights have been hard lately. The days are becoming full and busy once again, life is going forth out of necessity, there is noise and chaos. But nights are quiet. The mind is tired. The spirit starts to doubt and forget. The longing is deep, and the dark is dark. I thank God for always waking Rob up to comfort me in the deepest parts of it.

I don't know which is worse~ the crying days or the happy days. Some days I can get through the whole day and talk about Trent, look at his pictures and his belongings that are still scattered through out the house, and smile knowing where He is. Other days I can't get through the first cup of coffee without several kleenexes. I still don't know how to answer the "How are you?" question. How do you sum up what God has done the past couple of months in a single reply? "Fabulous, my son is in Heaven, do you want to know how to get there too? But I can't stop crying, just go read the blog, I am a better writer than talker these days". Sometimes I can't see the happily ever after myself, how do I encourage others to?
I love my children. God has used them in an unbelievable way to minister and teach me in this. Aren't I the one who is supposed to be leading them through this? And how do you show children how to grieve? I was pretty much just thrown in and am getting a crash course myself. I don't know what else to do but keep pointing them to God's sovereignty, the promises of scripture, hugging them and holding them (mostly when it's me crying), and just keep living. Each of them are individuals walking their own walk through this. Everyone of them had a different relationship with Trent that I will never know the depth of. They are all grieving differently, separately, and together with Rob and I and their friends.

Their souls are my first concern and I long for their own salvation. Many a day and night I come knocking at God's door and bugging Him about it again. "Remember the other kids here God". I have refused to make Trent's death their death. I do not want their childhood to be about the day their brother died. They deserve to live and be who God made them, as special as their brother was, and loved, adored and cherished as much as we are loving, adoring, cherishing and missing him. I pray and anticipate the big plans that God has prepared in advance for each of them. The high calling God has brought in their life has only made them cling to Him more and seek to understand Him more. Somehow we are just trying our hardest to keep pointing God out to them through this. What a drab post for a drab, cold, rainy April day. But it feels good to get it all out in writing, to somehow physically remove it from my mind and lay it at my Saviors cross that He may do with it what He wants. He said His yoke is easy, His burden is light. I can only do one thing at a time, and if that means right now I quit trying to carry this by myself I gladly dump the load and will just sit at my Saviors feet and worship Him again. Jesus is coming soon and His reward is with Him. Wait patiently oh me of little faith.

"Normal" scares me lately more than anything else. Take today for instance~ Rob went to work, the kids and I enjoyed coffee, breakfast and our quiet Bible time, we did nearly a full day of home school, Cole helped me do outside chores while the other kids cleaned up the house, we enjoyed lunch, went to piano lessons, I talked to friends on the phone, worked outside on farm stuff with Rob after work while the kids played, had supper then family devotions and got the kids tucked into bed. Just normal stuff. Normal stuff without Trent. The new normal. And somehow it was okay. My thoughts were never very far away from the knowledge of Trent being in heaven, but God gave me such a peace today to somehow live and function doing normal life things. What else do you do? Cry all day like yesterday? Some "normal" might not be so bad.

Road to Salvation

For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.

As it is written:

"There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one. Their mouths are open graves; their tongues practice deceit The poison of vipers is on their lips. Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know. There is no fear of God before their eyes."

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God demonstrated His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.

There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.