Andrew Sachs's answerphone: "Sorry I can't answer at the moment, but please call again or leave a message. Speak after the tone, thank you."

RB: "Hello Andrew Sachs this is Russell Brand. I am a great appreciator of your work over the decades. You're meant to be on my show now mate, I don't know why you're not answering the phone, it's a bit difficult - I'm here with Jonathan Ross."

JR: "Hello Andrew..."

RB: "That's Jonathan Ross speaking now. Anyway, we understand.. anyway.. we can still do the interview to his answerphone..."

(The two presenters exchange banter)

JR: "He f***** your granddaughter!" (laughter)... I'm sorry I apologise. Andrew I apologise... I got excited, what can I say. it just came out."

RB: "Andrew Sachs, I did not do nothing with Georgina - oh no I've revealed I know her name! Oh no it's a disaster.

JR: "You'll never become king rat in the Variety Club now Russell Brand."

RB: "Oh no that's over for me. I'm never going to be king rat in the Variety Club. Jonathan I think we've made the situation worse."

JR: "Who'd have thought two people like us could possibly have made the situation worse."

RB: "How could we with all our skills, our social skills, our talents our experiences."

JR: "Our intentions were pure."

RB: "You know the only way we can make this better don't you?"

JR: "Let's phone him again. Let's leave a nice message."

RB: "Listen, we've got to make it better. We'll phone Andrew Sachs back. We've got to stop upsetting Manuel. This time Jonathan I'm convinced we can make it better."

JR: "What should we not mention, the war?"

RB: "Don't mention the war, don't mention his granddaughter. Don't say: 'You only ever played Manuel'... Don't mention The Bill in a negative way. Yes! We'll just sing to him. I'll make up something as I go along."

JR: "I'll be Bing Crosby to your David Bowie."

RB: "I've always seen our relationship as a Christmas-themed hit."

(The answerphone message plays again).

JR: (as the message plays): "She was bent over the couch..."

RB (singing): "I'd like to apologise for these terrible attacks - Andrew Sachs.

"I'd like to show contrition to the max, Andrew Sachs.

"I'd like to create world peace, between the yellow, whites and blacks Andrew Sachs, Andrew Sachs.

"I said some things I didn't of oughta, like I had sex with your granddaughter.

"But it was consensual and she wasn't menstrual it was consensual lovely sex.

"It's full of respect. I sent her a text. I've asked her to marry me...

"Oh Andrew Sachs, will you marry Jonathan, it sounds like he wants to now."

JR: "This has made it worse, I feel it's made it worse, you've trivialised the whole terrible incident. It started fine and then you went on about nonsense."

RB: "You said you wanted to marry him..."

JR: "I wasn't really listening to you, I was concentrating on my back harmonies... There's only one way we could possibly make this better."

(Brand laughs)

RB: "What can we do?"

JR: "Let's use up the rest of his tape, this time with a heartfelt and sincere apology... Pretend you're Gordon Brown and make a beautiful speech rescuing the country from the credit crunch and rescue him from the inner turmoil you've caused by saying that you jumped on a relative."

RB: "Yes, you're right Jonathan, you're right. Only by doing the exact thing that we've done three times already can we make the situation better."

JR: "If you learn one thing from history, it's do not repeat your mistakes."

RB: "Don't repeat them."

JR: "So let's do it right this time."

RB: "Thank God Jonathan."

JR: "Maybe this time... I want to do the song this time."

RB: "You're not doing the lyrics. You'll balls it up. And can't do backing it's not in my nature."

RB: "Right yeah that's true, let's not look at this as the last time we're going to call Andrew Sachs."

(Ross laughs)

JR: "... The wonder of technology is such that we can keep doing this for hours."

RB: "And even after the show's finished Jonathan we can find out where Andrew Sachs lives, kick his front door in and scream apologies into his bottom... We can just keep on troubling Andrew Sachs... let's do it, right, ok.

"You pretend you're Andrew Sachs's answerphone."

JR: "Hello, Manuel is not in right now. Leave your message after the tone."

RB (as the phone rings again): "Alright Andrew Sachs's answerphone, I'm ever so sorry for what I said about Andrew Sachs."