Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother made me
swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family?

Chandler: Dying people say the craziest things.

Monica: I wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies
for my children.

Phoebe: Break my heartOh, all right.

Monica: Okay. Im gonna be the mom that makes the
worlds best chocolate chip cookies.

Chandler: Our kids are gonna be fat arent
they.

Joey: (entering) Ahoy!

Chandler: Hey! Hows the boat?!

Joey: Great! Im finally getting into this sailing
stuff.

Monica: Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina
huh?

Joey: Why would I do that? It took three guys to get
the thing in there!

Phoebe: If you dont sail your boat, what do you
do on it?

Joey: Oh, its great! Its a great place to
just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips.
(He says that as he sits, hangs around, drinks a beer, and eats a
chip.)

Chandler: Well, its good that you finally have a
place to do that.

Rachel: Yknow Joey, I could teach you to sail if
you want.

Joey: You could?

Rachel: Yeah! Ive been sailing my whole life.
When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.

Phoebe: Your own boat?

Rachel: What?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My
pony was sick.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there. He takes
off his glasses and starts chewing on the ear piece.]

Chandler: Do you know what I was thinkin?

Monica: What?

Chandler: Nothing, I just like to go like this. (Does
it again.)

Ross: (entering from the bathrooms) Hey Chandler, what
are you doing tonight?

Chandler: Uh why, do you have a lecture?

Ross: No, why?

Chandler: Then free as a bird. Whats up?

Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play
racquetball with us.

Monica: Wow! Thats great! Dad must really like
you, he doesnt ask just anyone to play.

Ross: Yeah and he didnt really ask for you, he
asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.

Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?

Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.

Monica: This is so cool, maybe this is something you
can do every week.

Ross: Or you can sit with him on the front porch and
make sure no one steals the trash cans. He does that every week
too.

Monica: Oh, just so you know, you-you have to
let him win.

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: He hates to lose.

Chandler: Oh no problem, maybe Ill play with my
left hand.

Ross: Youre not a lefty?

Chandler: Does anybody know me?!

(Phoebe enters, walks up to Monica, and exhales
exasperatedly.)

Monica: Whats wrong Phoebe?

Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you
the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up!

Monica: No!! Why didnt you make a copy and-and
keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred
yards from the original?!!

Phoebe: (pauses as he figures out how to answer that)
Because Im normal! That was the one legacy my
grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an engagement
present.

Ross: Oh, we have to get you an engagement present?

Chandler: Dont worry about it Pheebs.

Ross: No one got me an engagement present.

Phoebe: Okay, here I wish you health and happiness.
(She hands Monica a cookie in a plastic baggie.)

Chandler: An old cookie?

Monica: (To Chandler) This is what happens when you
dont register for gifts!

Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and
this is the only one left.

Chandler: We cant accept this.

Phoebe: Why not?

Chandler: Cause its gross.

Monica: No! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe
from this cookie! I do stuff like this at work all the time.

Phoebe: Really?!

Monica: Yeah! I bet I can do it.

(Chandler looks over and sees Ross glaring at them.)

Chandler: Okay, we owe you a present.

Ross: Two! Ive been engaged twice!

[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joeys boat), shes shown
to be in one of the waterways around New York, but in reality
shes in a sound stage on the Warner Bros. lot and we see
New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots.
Rachel and Joey are on board.]

Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just
because hes got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the
whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel)
Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?

Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.

Joey: What are they doing out here? The coasts
all the way over there. (Points to the coast, meanwhile there is
coast behind him.)

Rachel: Joey, just ignore the boats all right?
Were not finished with the lesson yet.

Joey: All right.

Rachel: Okay, Im just gonna go over the basic
points just one more time, are you ready?

Joey: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay?
Lets start sailing, and I want to go over there (Points)
where that boatload of girls is! (Yelling to them) Yo-ho-ho!

Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You
wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot
chickas? Okay, lets do that Sailor Joe. Quick question
though, (grabs some of the rigging) whats this called?

Rachel: Okay, you just go on and make your little
jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea
you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?! (She
punctuates each word by slapping him on the forehead.)

Joey: Yes.

Rachel: Dont just say yes! This isnt a
game, Joey you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want
to pay attention or do you want to die?!

Joey: I want to make a ship to shore call to Chandler.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are
trying to determine the cookie recipe by eating small pieces.]

Monica: All right, I definitely taste nutmeg.

Phoebe: You do?

Monica: You dont? (Laughs) Well, thats the
difference between a professional and a layman.

Phoebe: That and arrogance.

Joey: (entering) Hey.

Monica: Hey! How was sailing?

Joey: I dont want to talk about it. Yknow,
you couldve at least saved me a whole cookie. (He grabs
whats left of the cookie and pops in his mouth.)

Monica and Phoebe: No-wait-no-no!!!!!!!

Joey: (recoils in horror) Women are mean!!! (Storms
out.)

Phoebe: I cant believe that! Now the only thing
left of my grandmothers legacy is this crumb. (She picks it
up with her finger and holds it out to Monica.) I wish you a long
and happy marriage.

Ross: (entering with Chandler) Hey.

Monica: Hey! How was it?

Ross: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on
the other hand

Chandler:I will tell the story! It was going
great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call
him dad.

Ross: And what did he ask you not to call him?

Chandler: Daddy. All right look, heres the story.
(Flashback to Chandler about to enter the steam room as he does
the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished playing racquetball
and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it
was really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and
him trying to find his way around the steam filled room. He takes
off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and thats when
in happened.

[Cut to the flashback, Chandlers no longer doing the
voice-over.]

Chandler: Guys?

Ross: Over here. (You can see Ross sitting at the far
wall.)

Mr. Geller: Have a seat son. (You can see Mr. Geller
sitting closer to the door as Chandler walks over and sits in his
lap.) Hey!! (Chandler quickly jumps off and sits next to him with
a shocked expression on his face.)

Rachel: (laughing) Yeah, and-and you better make sure
he tips you this time.

Chandler: Look, I figured I would try to convince him
not to tell the story anymore, and I figure the best way to do
that is face to faceAnd by face I dont mean his lap.
And by face, I dont mean my ass. (Exits.)

Ross: (To Rachel) Hey are you getting Monica and
Chandler an engagement present?

Rachel: I dont know. Yknow, they
didnt get us anything.

Ross: Thank you!

Joey: (entering) Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Well hello! So, when are we gettin back
out on the water matey?

Joey: Oh uh, I dont know the boat way to say
this, but uh never!

Rachel: Why not?

Joey: Because! Youre mean on the boat!

Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.

Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!

Ross: Yeeeeeep Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember
when she took out on her dads boat she wouldnt let me
help at all.

Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you
couldnt move your arms because you were wearing three life
jackets.

Ross: You have to respect the sea! (Storms off.)

Rachel: Look Joey, Im sorry if-if you thought
that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean.
Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on
the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good
teacher.

Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer
pinhead!?"

Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers
during his first lesson?

Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of
my hand! Remember?

Rachel: Yeah, I didnt want you to get hit by the
boom!

Joey: Well it hit me anyway! And it wouldve hurt
a lot less if I had finished that last beer.

Rachel: All right, yknow what? I-Im sorry.
I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling.

Joey: You wont boss me around anymore?

Rachel: I wont boss you around.

Joey: And youll be nice?

Rachel: And, Ill be nice.

Joey: And youll be topless?

Rachel: AndJoey!

Joey: Do you want me to learn?!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is trying out
different cookie recipes. Ross and Phoebe are the tasting group.]

Monica: Okay, heres batch 22. Ohh, maybe
thesell taste a little like your grandmothers. This
has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.

Ross: Lets give it a shot.

Monica: Okay. Man, I have not made this many
cookies since I was in the ninth grade.

Phoebe: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale?

Monica: No, just a Friday night.

(They all take a bite.)

Ross: Ohh, these are pretty good.

Phoebe: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.

Ross: Which one was that?

Monica: The ones we had right after you almost threw
up.

Ross: Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like
batch 16. (Burps a little bit.) Im okay.

Phoebe: Are there anymore from the good batch?
Cause we could just work off of those.

Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch
17 left, uh (Grabs a cookie and takes a big bite out of it
and doesnt like it.) Its batch 16! 16 people! Get out
of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.)

[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, its Joeys second lesson with
Rachel as the resident sailing expert.]

Rachel: Okay Joey honey, youre doing really good!
All right, now Im just gonna need you to step to the port
side. (Joey pauses as he tries to remember which side is the port
side.) Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side?

Rachel: Okay Joey, were luffing a little bit, so
could you tighten up the cunningham? (The mainsail has started to
flap in the wind and has stopped working efficiently; she wants
him to tighten it so that it starts working again.)

Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I
didnt know there.

Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this! (She
does it instead.)

Joey: Oh, yknow, when we did that was when that
bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see
it? It was gross!

Rachel: (angrily) No! All right?! I did not see
the bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the
piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did not,
because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat!
Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!

Joey: All right thats it! Youre yelling and
I dont see you taking your top off! I quit!

Rachel: What do you mean you quit?! You cant
quit!

Joey: Why not?!

Rachel: Because youre not finished yet and I
wont have it! Greens do not quit!

Rachel: No! No! No! Im not yelling at you,
Im just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, ohh Im my
father. Oh my God, this is horrible! Ive been trying so
hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin. Oh,
Joey, Im sorry. Im so sorry. I just wanted you to
learn.

Joey: Well, hey I did learn.

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Yeah! Come on.

Rachel: Awww

Joey: Yeah, its okay. I know what a mainsail is.
(Points to it. Its the larger sail.) I know, I know to duck
when the boom comes across. I-I know port is right.

Rachel: Left.

Joey: Damnit!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the cookie trying
period has pasted. Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are reflecting on the
days events.]

Ross: What are we gonna do with
all the cookies? (thinks) Joey!

Phoebe: Yknow, I bet it would actually make my
grandmother very happy to know that were trying to figure
out her recipe. I bet shes l-l-lookin up at us and
smiling right now.

Ross: Looking up?

Phoebe: Oh yeahNo, she was really nice to me, but
shes in hell for sure.

Monica: Well, Ive tried everything. I give up. I
guess Im not gonna be the mom who makes the worlds
best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with
broccoli rabe. Kids love that right.

Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isnt there any relative
that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister?

Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that
the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body.
And thats not happening til October 15th,
2032.

Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your
grandmothers? Wouldnt they have the recipe?

Phoebe: Well, yknow I may have relatives in
France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe
from her grandmother, Nesele Tolouse.

Monica: What was her name?

Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse.

Monica:Nestle Tollhouse?!

Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French
language.

Monica: (grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse
chocolate chips) Phoebe, is this the recipe? (Tosses her
the bag.)

Phoebe: (reading the recipe on the back of the bag)
Yes!! (Realizes.) Ohh.

Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two
days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard
the whole time!

Phoebe: I know! You see it is stuff like this which is
why (Looking down) youre burning in hell!!

[Scene: The Gym, Chandler and Mr. Geller are heading for the
whirlpool room.]

Chandler: So you understand, Id feel a lot more
comfortable if you didnt tell people what happened.
Yknow, Im a little Im a little embarrassed
about it.

Mr. Geller: I understand completely, theres
nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of
your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy I
was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living
and I told him I was a lawyer.

Chandler: What did you do when they found out?

Mr. Geller: They never did, so if ever see me giving
them legal advice just nod along. Shall we?

(Chandler nods along and they enter the whirlpool room and
remove their robes. Only Chandler is lacking a certain item of
clothing. You see this is a coed whirlpool, which means
swimsuits, and in fact there are two women already there and
Chandler didnt seem to wear his. Needless to say, everyone
is shocked, including Chandler.)

Chandler: So I guess we wear swimsuits in here!

Ending Credits

[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside the pier; Joey
and Rachel are relaxing.]

Rachel: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of
sailing is a lot more fun.