Friday, January 09, 2009

So there you were, having some brews and kickin’ some ass. Everything was perfect, and then something happened. Maybe someone brought out the beer bong, maybe that losing pong team talked you into a re-match, whatever it was, it happened, and then Pvt. Hudson showed up and it was game over, man.

You forgot every party rule you ever embraced, and all is lost. Now you are stumbling around stealing wine coolers from passed out girls, yelling “schwanzstucke!” at the German exchange student, and that little sweetie you have been working all night is ready to go, but you are no Apache Chief, and your proud, unbending, rock-hard pillar of justice cannot be “Inyuk-chuked” to life.

There is no hope for you.

Now what? You know what. You know damn well what. This ain’t your first rodeo, boy. You are in for a rough morning on the water. But don’t fret; Uncle Alex is here to help your head.

The proper way to properly re-hydrate:

Nothing pisses me off more than pouring a glass of water all over myself while I am laying in bed drunk trying to hydrate my brain. It is hard enough to drink laying down when you are sober. So go get your Camelback. You know, the water thing? Yea, that thing that you filled with jack and coke last year for the football game and never washed out. Go get that thing.

Fill it up and put it next to your bed. You can accomplish this drunk, but I recommend doing it right now. Drinking through a no-leak tube in bed is the best way to keep your pillow dry while feeding your thirsty noggin. You can pre-plan by filling it up with half water, half Gatorade.

And remember, if the gun is loaded go ahead and pull the trigger.

Now sun is up, and so are you, and you are in desperate need of a big greasy hamburger and a shot of Gin. I know you don’t think you want it, but you really do. It will help you. Pour yourself a shot, put some Tabasco and lemon juice in it, and down the hatch, my friend.

Now go get your sunglasses, waders, and your bedside hydration unit and get out on the water. If all the above fails, just remember: downstream, downstream, DOWNSTREAM!