Real Terrible Thing: Non-Optional Pregnancy Tests at School

Hey, you! Yeah, you, with the computer and the eyeballs and the pants. Are you pregnant?

No?

Huh, that's weird. Because someone said you were? So you're just going to have to take this test to prove it. And if you're pregnant, you can't hang out here. And if you're not pregnant but don't want to take the test, well, come on, you're obviously pregnant, so you still can't hang out here. Also, you're a filthy liar and your genitals are probably covered in warts.

...Is what one painfully unintelligent school administration in Louisiana is telling its female students as part of its "Student Pregnancy Policy." The gist of it: if Delhi Charter School thinks you might be pregnant, or if somebody suggests you might be pregnant, then you can't keep attending classes unless you prove the emptiness of your womb with a pregnancy test. (And don't give them any guff about how being forced to pee on a stick and show it to your principal in order to obtain an education is a violation of your privacy, okay? That's just what a pregnant person would say.)

The policy is preceded by an explanation citing the school's high standards, explaining that students must "exhibit acceptable character traits that govern language, gestures, physical actions, and written words." Therefore, pregnant people need not apply.

Except wait a sec, because pregnancy isn't a character trait at all! It's a physical condition. And the only thing a positive pregnancy test can tell you about a person is whether or not her uterus is currently occupied... oh, right, and also that she's a filthy skank with no morals. You know, just like every person who has been pregnant ever, including Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Marie Curie, and your mom, and my mom. Total whores, amirite?

Seriously, though: we get that it's not pregnancy that Delhi Charter School is concerned about; it's that they think sexually active students don't deserve the privilege of matriculating at their institution. (Or at least, not sexually active lady students. For some reason, male students suspected of knocking up a female classmate aren't required to submit to a paternity test or be considered baby-daddies by default.) But since the school can't legally install cameras in its female students' bedrooms to make sure they're not getting naked with anybody, this is obviously the next best... um...

Yeah, okay, no. This idea is absolutely just as terrible as that one, except more, because not only does it target only the students who have wombs in the first place, but also only the ones who are unlucky or unprepared enough to end up that way as a result of their extracurricular activities. Which, depending upon how unlucky said student is, might not have even been consensual! You know, just in case you needed another reason to find this depressing.

Fortunately, the ACLU has caught wind of the policy and sent a strongly-worded statement to the school (Dear Delhi Charter School, you have got to be @#$%ing kidding us, Love, the ACLU). And since federal law prohibits schools from sex-based discrimination like this, it shouldn't be long before it's replaced with a more appropriate one. Like, say, a policy wherein any school administration that shows an inappropriate amount of interest in its students' sex lives gets beaten in the face with a mesh bag full of live crabs.

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About the Author

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.