Monday, January 1, 2018

Baby Crazy, Chapter 5

It’s come to this.Matt and I are going to see my psychiatrist
together, Dr. Hayward.

This isn’t our first joint visit to
see Dr. Hayward.We have been to see him
many times together, as a matter of fact.The first time we saw him together was when Matt suggested we have sex.

I was a virgin when I met Matt.No, not just a virgin.I had never even kissed a man before
him.He was my first everything.And while, with the aid of medications, I was
able to tolerate and even greatly enjoy his kisses and other signs of
affection, sex was a whole different ballgame.To say I was terrified would be an understatement.

Matt was incredibly patient.It took six months of dating before I was
willing to remove my pants or shirt in his presence.After that, I continued to be reluctant to
remove my undergarments, but I eventually consented with the caveat that we
would stay under the covers.My being
naked was frightening, but less frightening than Matt being naked.

I had seen penises before.You can’t get through life without catching a
glimpse here and there, if only in your biology textbook.But his was the first I ever saw in real
life.Well, that’s not entirely true.I’d seen my nephew Jayden’s penis while my
sister was changing his diaper.But
there was, obviously, no comparison.

Matt’s penis both terrified and
intrigued me.It was big—bigger than I
thought it would be.I couldn’t imagine
how such a thing could fit inside me.It
seemed clean, but I always thought of sex as an intrinsically dirty act.

But at the same time, God, how I
wanted it. I loved the way it grew hard when he’d run his hands over my
body.I never told this to Matt, but I
used to dream about it.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t seem to
get past my fear, no matter how badly I wanted him.So we made a trip to see Dr. Hayward, so he
could counsel two adults in their thirties about how to have sex.Matt’s face was bright red through most of
the first session, but after talking it out for three sessions, I felt
reassured enough to allow my boyfriend to make love to me.

And it was really, really…

Well, there aren’t words.

In any case, Dr. Hayward was
successful in allowing Matt and I to consummate our relationship, so I’m
optimistic he’ll figure this one out.

I sit on a chair in the waiting
room, remembering how at my first visit, I was too nervous about the chairs
being dirty to even take a seat.Back
then, the thought of even going on a date with Matt scared me, and now he’s my
husband.Those pills really are a
miracle.

Matt looks as anxious as I
feel.He’s tapping his fingers against
his knee, which is something I’ve noticed him doing when he’s nervous.He told me once he used to tap his feet when
he was nervous, but he can’t do that anymore.He can’t move his ankles or feet at all anymore.I look at him and flash him a tiny smile, and
he returns an equally miniscule grin.

By the time Dr. Hayward calls us in,
we’re both a wreck.

Dr. Hayward’s office is small enough
that Matt’s chair has to squeeze between the couch and the wall.I know from experience he won’t be able to do
a full turn and will have to back himself out.It’s almost as bad as our bathroom at home.But like at home, he makes do.

“So, Matt.” Dr. Hayward folds his
arms across his large belly as he settles into his leather chair.“Anna says you’ve been thinking of starting a
family.”

“He is,” I quickly clarify.Matt glares at me but I don’t want there to
be any misperceptions.“I don’t think
it’s a good idea.”

Matt gives Dr. Hayward a look.“She won’t even discuss it with me.If I bring it up, she runs away.This was the only way she was willing to talk
about it.”

“It’s not a good idea,” I
reiterate.“It’s foolish.”

“It’s foolish to want to have a
child with my wife?”Matt shrugs
helplessly.“I love Anna.I want to start a family with her.Is that so wrong?”

We both look at Dr. Hayward.He’s going to tell Matt I’m correct—I’m sure
of it.

“Matt,” Dr. Hayward says, “I think
Anna is just worried that her condition might negatively impact any child you
have.”

“Look, nobody’s perfect,” Matt
says.“Anna is…” He looks at me so
tenderly that I nearly burst into tears.“She’s great.She’d be a great mom.Even if she doesn’t believe it.I know
she would be.”

I can only shake my head.He has no idea.

“Please tell me what I can do,” he
murmurs.“Whatever I have to tell you,
I’ll do it.You know I’m going to help
you with the baby.It’s not going to be
just you going at it alone.We’ll be
partners.”

“I just can’t…”

“You’re so much better though,” he
points out.“The OCD is under
control.You can do this.”

I can hear the plea in his voice. He
wants this so badly.I don’t have the
heart to say it to him, which is why I brought him here.Dr. Hayward needs to be the bearer of bad news.

“Matt,” Dr. Hayward says quietly,
looking my husband in the eyes. “You know that if Anna were to try to get
pregnant, she’d have to stop taking all her current medications.”

His mouth falls open.He didn’t know.He stares at me, his eyes glassy.He doesn’t want me off my medications.He knows what I used to be like.He doesn’t want to go back to the days when I
had to wash my hands every fifteen minutes and flew into a panic at the thought
of a kiss.

“Jesus,” he breathes.“I… I didn’t realize…”

“There are other medications we could
switch them for,” Dr. Hayward says.“Zoloft is a similar medication to Paxil that’s considered safe in
pregnancy.”

“Zoloft didn’t work for Anna,” Matt
says.I’m surprised he remembers this—I
wouldn’t think he was keeping track of my medications.

“Or Prozac…”

“That didn’t work either.”

“They may not have been as effective
as her current regimen,” Dr. Hayward admits.“But there will be some benefit…”

The room is silent while Matt
absorbs this new piece of information.I
don’t know what to say.I’m not sure if
there’s anything to say.

It’s finally Dr. Hayward who breaks
the silence: “Perhaps adoption?”

Matt lifts his brown eyes.“Who the hell would give us a kid?” he
snaps.“I’m crippled and Anna’s mentally
ill.”

He appears to be upset.

Matt rubs his hands over his
face.He sees now the biggest reason why
I have been resistant to contemplating a family.I know this will disappoint him, but he will
certainly understand.Neither of us want
me to be without my medications.He
knows what that means.

“So if we did this,” he says slowly,
“Anna would only be off her meds for a year… I mean, maybe not even a
year.Right?”

He’s still considering this? He
can’t be serious.

“It depends how long it takes you to
conceive,” Dr. Hayward says.

He glances down at Matt’s legs when
he says it, making the assumption that his ability to conceive may be as
impaired as his ability to walk.It is
not an unreasonable possibility.While
Matt has been able to perform for me sexually for the most part, he is not
always capable.He sometimes has
difficulty maintaining his erection and usually takes a pill to ensure a
pleasurable experience for me.There are
times when he’s unable to achieve orgasm.He always tells me that it’s fine, he doesn’t mind as long as I’m
satisfied, but ejaculation is mandatory for procreation.

And then, of course, my age should
be taken into account.I’m not young for
a first time mother by any means.Female
fertility drops precipitously after age thirty.Even with a young, virile partner, it might not be easy for me to
conceive.

It could take me a year to even get
pregnant.Maybe longer.

Matt looks at me, a deep crease
between his eyebrows.“We could try for
a couple of months, couldn’t we?See how
it goes?”

I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I
don’t want to go back to the way I was before the medications.I remember the feeling of panic that gripped
me around the chest like a vise on a daily basis.He’s right—I’m much better than I used to be.

How could he ask this of me?How could he ask me to go back to that?Of all people, he should be the last one who
would want me to go back to being the old Anna.

He must really want a child very
badly.

Matt

Anna and I will never have
children.

It’s taking a bit for the reality to
sink in.I was in shock when I heard the
sacrifice Anna would have to make for us to have a child.I have to admit—for a moment, I wanted her to
do it.I didn’t care if she’d have to
stop taking all her medications.What is
a year in the scheme of things?

That was really selfish.I know it now.Anna could never go off her meds.She was a wreck before.She could barely be near me.We can’t risk going back to that.

So that’s it.

It’s been two days since our
appointment with Dr. Hayward and I’m trying not to think about it.I’m sitting on our couch, playing Grand Theft
Auto on the Xbox Anna bought me on our ginormous TV to take my mind off the
whole thing.If we had a baby, I
probably wouldn’t be able to do that.I’d be busy doing baby stuff—there’d be no time for Xbox games.And I’d probably sleep like shit.And Anna would be too tired to want to have
sex anymore.

There’s a silver lining to this
whole no kids thing.Plus I’ve got my
niece and now a nephew on the way.And
of course, we’re getting a new house, and now we don’t have to worry about how
much it’ll cost because we won’t be paying any childcare expenses.

This is fine.It’ll be fine.

I’m really involved in my game when
I hear the front door open.I crane my
neck and see Anna come inside, clutching a plastic bag in her hand.She waves to me and I take my hand off the
controller to wave back.I assume she’s
going to go into the kitchen to start dinner, but instead she pushes my
wheelchair out of the way and sits down next to me on the couch to watch me
play.

“What are you playing?” she asks me.

“Grand Theft Auto.”

“What’s that?”

“Basically, you go around stealing
cars.”

“So why are you in a helicopter?”

“Well, some cops were chasing me, so
I was trying to escape.”

“And why are you jumping out of the
helicopter?”

“Don’t worry—I have a parachute.”

“So why aren’t you opening it?”

And now I’m dead.I put down my controller to look at Anna,
whose usually pale face is flushed pink.She’s sitting primly on the couch like she always does, still clutching
that plastic bag.I feel a sudden surge
of crazy love for this woman.I love
Anna so much.I don’t care if we’ll
never have kids.Well, I care, but it’s
okay.It’s enough that I’ve got her.

I shake my head at her, but I take
the bag from her.I reach inside and pull
out a pink box.

Holy shit, it’s an ovulation kit.

“Anna,” I say hoarsely.“We don’t have to do this.Really.”

“I want to do it,” she says firmly.

“You can’t go off your meds…”

She looks me in the eyes.“I already started tapering them.”

Christ, this is heavy.I don’t want to lose all the progress Anna
has made.I don’t want her to go back to
the way she used to be.But if I’m being
honest, I do want us to have a child.It
was tearing me apart that we couldn’t.

“I think you’ll make an incredible father,”
Anna says.

I didn’t think I could love her any
more than I did five minutes ago, but there it is.

Whew, so many twists in one chapter. Learning that Anna would need to cut her meds was rough. I'm looking forward to hearing how and why her thoughts changed, but also bracing myself for how her experience of pregnancy will be.

(BTW, since I saw it mentioned in another comment: I do also find it devvy to read about Anna's OCD.)

This story really pulls at my heart, my husband and I are experiencing infertility and trying to accept that we probably will not have biological children. Matt is so sweet, I imagine my husband has many of the same thoughts :(

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This blog contains erotic and romantic stories featuring disabled male love interests. If you would like to contribute a story or would like to be a regular contributor, email me at paradevo(at)yahoo.com.