Do You Need Multiple Partners to Be Better In Bed?

Do you think you need multiple sexual partners to be better in bed? I have been in a monogamous relationship for four years and the sex could be better. We're working on it, but my fear is that it'll never get better because our sexual experiences are limited (and we were each other’s first). We will be getting married soon! Please help!

Nope! Sex is not a numbers game. You could go out and hook up with twenty new hot guys in a year and have terrible sex with each and every studly one. You’re far more likely to find a way to have great sex with a man you trust and love. It all starts with communication, which isn’t as dull as that cliché sounds, I swear.

When you get down to practical experience of sex, it may seem that getting down isn’t all that different from any other hobby, whether that’s rock-climbing or knitting. There are so many ways to learn through trial and error, so many books and articles to read, and a whole Internet overflowing with advice, new ideas, and how-to tips. (I recommend the sex tips in this magazine called Cosmopolitan. Maybe you’ve heard of it?) All of that’s great, but how-to technical advice is not what makes you a better lover. After all, what works with one person might not work with someone else. A key to a great sex life with your partner is not primarily a bag of tricks, it’s your personal connection, and the way you communicate.

So talk about everything: what you turns you on and off, what you crave, what you fantasize about, and even what confuses you. Say, “How does that feel?” Read a sex manual together. Give yourself the freedom to try something new—and give yourself the freedom to stop immediately if it feels awful, or laugh if it makes you feel ridiculous. Try new positions and toys and Cosmo tips to keep things fresh, but, above all, just talk. A lot. Just connect.

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You love your fiancé. If you’re getting married soon, picture that whole lifetime of intimacy you’re about to share and imagine that it’s never going to be one static thing. Life changes, and so do our sexual relationships. Sex will get better, then it will get less exciting. You’ll find your groove again, and then you’ll lose it, before you find it again. Long-term relationships evolve and change in all sorts of ways—inside the bedroom and out. Like everything else in your marriage, you’ve got to keep paying attention and working at it. It sounds like you’re already doing that, or you wouldn’t have written.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. Before my boyfriend and I dated, he had a "fuck buddy" for about a year. Once we started dating he continued to text her, send her Snapchats, and like her pictures on Instagram, which upset me. It led to many fights and a breakup. As soon as we broke up I noticed he continuously ‘liked’ her pictures again. After a month, we got back together and things were good for a long time; he agreed not to speak to her or like her pictures. Recently, he's still been liking her pictures even though I've expressly stated not to (just this one girl — not a multitude of girls). He doesn't like her selfies, but any opportunity he gets that is not a selfie, he will like the picture. He has told me I am controlling because it shouldn't be a big deal to like her pictures if they aren't selfies. In my opinion, I don't understand why he's doing it if he knows it is just this one person who is upsetting me. Who is at fault? Am I being too controlling?

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You are definitely not alone in this worry. I get so many questions about how to deal with a partner’s social-media interactions. And I do get it: it’s confusing—and since there are no rules for this sort of thing, we’re left with all these new questions: When is a “like” really a like-like? How much Snapchatting is suspicious? What counts as flirting online? What’s harmless? Hurtful? Where do you draw the line between controlling behavior, snooping paranoia, and boundary-drawing self-respect?

That said, I have two pieces of fairly simple advice for you. The first is simple: Stop looking at this woman’s pictures. I’m not saying that you should turn a blind eye, or that what you’re doing is so wrong. I am just saying that you’re going out of your way to look for trouble—so of course you’re finding it. And, in the end, you don’t even really know what to think about it. Has snooping really helped in any way?

Second, I think you can reframe this problem by focusing on the real world, and not his social interactions. Since he knows you’re so upset that this jealousy has led to a break-up in the past, I’d say the problem here isn’t precisely that he’s liking an ex’s photos. It’s that he’s knowingly pissing you off. He’s doing this in full knowledge that it hurts you—and he keeps hurting you. Instead of what random photos he’s clicking on, that insensitivity seems troubling to me.

He’s promising you one thing (that he won’t like her pictures), then he’s contradicting himself and breaking boundaries that he’s previously agreed to respect. You are asking him to do so very damn little. And then he’s offering up this business about drawing a tiny little line between her selfies and her group shots? Please, god, I want to pull my hair out just hearing his hair-splitting excuse. It’s a waste of time, for both of you. And it must be exhausting to have to fight the same fight over and over.

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Are you controlling him? I do think that controlling anyone’s social interactions is just a drag, and setting such limits typically leads to more suspicion, not less. Try to think of the real-world equivalent. Would you want to trail him around every day to see what he says and how he says it? Would you really want to monitor all that? Or create a blacklist of women he can and cannot speak to? Not if you trusted each other.

Going forward, if you want to be with this guy, I think you have to decide to trust him—and not run around chasing his Internet history and policing his behavior. But he also needs to be more respectful of you, anytime you say something hurts. And if you two can’t trust each other and agree to the same boundaries, you’re going to keep having problems in the real world that trump anything happening online.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months after we met through a mutual friend. He and our friend had an on again/off again friends-with-benefits relationship that, in her words, yielded "the best sex she has ever had," but they stopped when he realized he wasn't romantically invested in her the way he was in me. We care about one another very much, but I keep getting anxious thoughts about his history with my friend. I'll have nightmares about walking in on them having sex, or get really depressed whenever she brings up how good he was in bed. I respect both my boyfriend and my friend, and I know he cares about me in a much different way than he cares for her, but I don't know how to make my anxious thoughts go away. What should I do?

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I suppose Superman’s super-strength or heat vision might come in handy if my car breaks down or I need to de-ice the front steps, but the power I think might be most useful on a daily basis is his ability to erase a memory. I could use that every damn day.

When us non-Kryptonians like us have a troubling memory, we can’t erase it. We just have to live with it. Typically, we just have to muster the superheroic patience it takes to wait for that memory to fade. There’s honestly not much you can do—but I can promise that, with time, the longer you’re in a healthy relationship with your boyfriend, the more that memory will fade. It won’t happen all at once, or even steadily (those anxious feelings might surge back!) but its ability to bother you will fade, eventually.

That said, you can try to reframe that negative thought—and figure out how to think about it in some new way. One trick is to break it down and think about what, exactly, triggers your anxiety: When you get the most upset, what, exactly, pushes your buttons? Get specific: Are you worried, on some base level, that he was happier with her? Remind yourself that he chose you. Are you insecure that you might not be as great in bed? Remind yourself that he’s choosing to sleep with you—and, frankly, remember that just because it was the best sex of her life, it doesn’t mean it was the best sex of his.

There might even be a way to simply think of this as a positive: Isn’t it hot to be with someone who’s so sexy? (Though you should tell your friend to stop mentioning anything sexual about him if it makes you uncomfortable.) Aren’t you’re lucky to be with this man who’s great in bed, who stopped seeing this other woman because he wanted to be with you?

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Finally, if there’s a trust issue with your boyfriend, please make sure he understands how important it is to you that he’s faithful. And remember: It’s just been three months. Of course you’re a little anxious! Give this some time.

Do you have a question for Logan about sex or relationships? Ask him here.

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