Day 24: Defining your sexual self

Yesterday we started with some sensual exercises and loving your body. I hope you had time to explore them and enjoy them. Today the focus is on defining yourself more closely. So today’s question is: Who are you when it comes to sex and sexuality?

Often the gay scene simply defines top, bottom or versatile, which, while maybe useful for fucking, is pretty one dimensional and really not very holistic. In fact, this focus purely on fucking has a lot of problems: Especially, as it assumes that all sex is somehow related to fucking – and if you don’t, then it is not sex (or even part of the sexual self). Such a focus is extremely limiting and really plays down the important other areas of sex and sexuality.

The idea for today then is to have a conversation with yourself: define yourself whom you are as a sexual being. What is it that you want out of love, sex and live? Delving deeper than just your position, define yourself with all the little contradictions, multiple facets and the great variety that makes you – you! Therefore, when considering the following questions, don’t try to give a single answer, unless you really feel that you can only answer one thing. Rather elaborate with yourself. Maybe you find that in different situations you prefer different things. Great! You may also find that things have shifted over time, or with different partners. Perfect. After all, why should we limit ourselves to do the same position, like the same sex or even have the same sexual identity for a long time? Let’s embrace our fluid self, that makes us unique.

Today’s activity is then to debate and define the sexual you. You can do this on your own or with your partner. If you currently have a partner, I would strongly encourage you to have this conversation with him. Share the list of questions with him and answer them briefly each on their own. Then you can share how you each see yourself. This is then a great way to open up the discussion about what kind of sex you have or would like to have with each other, for example.

1) What is your sexual orientation?
A) homosexual – attracted to only men
B) bisexual – attracted to men and women
C) pansexual – attracted to people regardless of their gender or gender identity
D) heterosexual – attracted to only women

2) How would you define your preferred relationship status?
A) single – not dating at all
B) independent – dating/in a relationship but largely independent
C) multiple – dating multiple partners without much commitment
D) attached – in a committed relationship with one or more partners

3) How “open” would you like your relationship to be?
A) full monogamy – completely monogamous
B) restricted open – open relationship but with rules (e.g. only play together)
C) open – open relationship without rules
D) poly-experimenting – relationship with one partner, but “dating” a third
E) polygamy – committed relationship with two or more partners

4) How important is intimacy vs “just sex” for you?
A) mostly intimate – you prefer cuddling and kissing over sex
B) Intimate-Sexual – you prefer cuddling and kissing but like sex
C) both – you want both equally
D) Sexual-Intimate – you prefer sex over kissing and cuddling
E) Sexual – you prefer mostly sexual contact

5) What would you say is your preferred frequency of having sex:
A) asexual – you prefer not to have sex
B) demisexual – you prefer not to have sex only when you formed a strong bond
C) sexual – generally sexual (whatever you consider “average”)
D) frequent sexual – highly sexual with high sex drive
E) hypersexual – constantly sexual

6) How comfortable are you when discussing sex?
A) comfortable – no problem to talk about sex, preferences etc…
B) oblique – you talk about sex, but only with people you know well
C) noncomfortable – generally not very comfortable to talk about sex
D) avoidant – you try to avoid talking about sex

7) How forceful or assertive are you when seeking or initiating sex?
A) assertive – you know what you want, and you ask to get it.
B) versatile – depends on the situation or the person
C) passive – you are waiting for your partner(s) to make a move first

8) Do you prefer to give or receive pleasure?
A) receiver – you want to mostly receive pleasure
B) versatile – you want to both receive and give pleasure
C) giver – you prefer to give pleasure

9) How planned are you when it comes to sex?
A) spontaneous – no planning, just do it when it feels right.
B) situational – it depends, sometimes you plan.
C) planned – carefully planned.

11) What types of sexual scenes are interesting or exciting for you?
A) voyeuristic – seeing other people have sex
B) private – you prefer privacy
C) Semi-private – places with a low chance of being seen
D) Open – places with a fair chance of being seen
E) Exposed – clearly visible/open spaces
F) Exhibitionist – sex while being watched by others

As the first step of getting what you want is knowing what you want, hopefully thinking about these questions has stimulated some ideas and thinking, either by yourself – or with your partner(s). The list is of course not exhaustive, and there are many other aspects of sexuality and sexual expression that define you as a sexual being. Keep thinking about you and your sexual self… take the broad categories above and refine them to suit yourself. Maybe integrate practices or positions into different scenarios. In other words, once you have an idea of what you like or would like to do, you will be much more able to express, seek and discuss this.

Tomorrow we start applying some of the principles to sexual practices, and learn more about why meditation, mindfulness and tantra are such a great combination when they are applied. We will start with tantra practice tomorrow. This requires some time, so please, try and have around 2 hours available.

If you enjoyed the activity today, why not share it? Or share in the discussion, by leaving a comment below, or tweeting using the #ug30bc. See you tomorrow!