Finally Science Gets it Right, Introducing: Handjob Bot

There are many ways to tell when you’ve finally become an unquestioned, dominant global super power. Maybe you’ve dropped a couple nuclear warheads on an enemy, kicked some dirt in their face and asked their quivering corpses, “Now what?!” Perhaps you export all of your worst social trappings to the four corners of the world and poison cultures with dreams of throwing away everything that’s made them special as a people in search of a dream of blue jeans and Coke-a-cola in a bottle. Either one of these are sure fire signs that you’re King Shit and the world needs to get used to the cold hard fact that they’re just going to have to take it for a while.

Most of the time when a power reaches this level, it takes a while to fully realize just when and where they staked their claim to heavy weight super power status. It’s the kind of thing usually best left to historians to pinpoint years, even decades later. And while I’m no history scientist, I think I can nail down for you right here and now exactly when China announced to the world that they were taking their place as masters of the planet. And it is here:

China is making robots to stick it’s dick in, and there is fuck all we can do about it.

A couple weeks ago at what the Chinese cleverly called a “medical supply expo”, but which I know full well is China’s 4th Annual Invitational Handjob Robot Design Competition, they revealed this year’s winning entry, the “Automated Semen Collector”. Said to be designed for “patients who have trouble getting erect, or feel uneasy with the traditional erotic magazine and plastic cup method of semen collection” and that “this new medical breakthrough may provide some welcome relief.”

I don’t pretend to understand Asian culture and anyone who does is just seeing how long you’ll believe all of the crazy things they’re making up on the spot. In my extensive research on the subject of Japanese sexuality I have discovered that they have a thing for plaid skirts, that no intercourse is consensual or free of tentacles and that their reproductive organs are a cruel jumble of blurry squares. I know very little about Chinese fornication specifically, but based on their development of penis fondling robots, I think it’s safe to say that they are of a similar mind.

"Prime Directive: Yanky Cranky. Secondary Directive: YANKY CRANKY!"

I get that the Asian culture is very repressed which causes such violently crazy sexual deviance to emerge when you peel back the surface, but I don’t understand how a jerk off machine in a doctor’s office could possibly be a more welcome, less uneasy experience than ogling pixellated school girls and depositing your communist goo in a cup the way America’s god intended it! But I also know that this is just sour grapes from a man who doesn’t have a robot to stroke me off while trying, and failing, to figure out what exactly to do with my hands the entire time. And it’s just made to sound all the hotter when I read the sensual copy that accompanies this Pleasure Nurse:

The patient stands before the machine and puts his penis, flaccid or erect, into the tube-shaped protrusion, whereupon it moves forward and back automatically like a piston. The inside of the tube is lined with a soft silicon material that provides gentle stimulation until ejaculation is reached.

And I know that I personally would be very disappointed if the machine itself did not recite this bit of text over and over until it’s mission had finally been accomplished or the subject tore itself from its grasp, unable to ever stop screaming again. Which ever punned first.

But bigger than national pride or the future of our nation’s economic independence, news of this kind is, I think, the most important reason we need to pay back our debt to China as soon as possible. Just imagine for a second that you had the technology to make robots to jerk you off and someone else had the money you could be spending to make them. Me, in that situation; I’d be super pissed.

So the sooner we get China their money back, the sooner we can get to work on trying to close the gap in this substitute arms race. We’re America damn it, we can do anything we put our minds to and I say to you here and now that by 2021, we can, we will, we MUST put an American made suck bot on every red white and blue penis in this great land of ours! Our time has not yet passed, you hear us China?! Our robots have not yet BEGUN to suck! USA! USA! USA!