Tuesday, May 13, 2008

THE HILLS RECAP: The One Where Something Happens

For as long as I've been dating Devin, he's been receiving Rolling Stone. Apparently he signed up for some promotion 3 years ago, and he's been getting them free ever since.

They arrive weekly in the mail, and while I never take the time to crack open the magazine and read the articles, I always take a second to admire the covers.

Sometimes, I'm intrigued by them.

Sometimes, I'm turned on.

But last week I was, for the first time, alarmed by Rolling Stone's cover.

I know. You're probably as perplexed as I am.

"But I thought Heidi and Lauren couldn't be in the same room together."

Well, apparently they can.

"Do Lauren and Audrina have cankles?"

Maybe a little, but it's hard to tell.

"What's going on with Heidi's face? Has she had even more work done?"

Probably.

"But I thought Rolling Stone was cool. Does this mean The Hills is cool?"

No absolutely not.

I'd imagine that this is part of the big publicity package surrounding the final episode of Season 3, which aired this past Monday night.

I'll be honest, I had no clue this was the season finale until the end credits popped up and then Lauren announced "Next season on The Hills" and cued up the cleverly edited clips that make it look as though next season is going to be all thrills. Maybe if I'd bothered to read the article inside of this week's Rolling Stone, I'd actually have known what to expect as I sat down to watch this episode.

But oh well.

We begin this week in a downtown LA loft. Having lived with Lo and Lauren for some unspecified amount of time, Audrina's had quite enough of feeling like the third wheel. So she and on-again (maybe?) boyfriend Justin/Bobby are checking out some new, overpriced apartments for her.

Justin/Bobby, who's new hottie image is threatened by his douchey method of sunglass storage, continues to give Audrina his sensible, albeit pushy, advice.

Justin/Bobby: Just think, it will be like how you live now, all alone. But you'll actually be alone. You can get stuff out of your own fridge.Audrina: Yeah, I guess.Justin/Bobby: You could make mac and cheese from scratch. And I could eat it. Audrina: I could.Justin/Bobby: And this loft space is amazing. It will be perfect if I decide to start a band...or a custom motorcycle shop. Audrina: Wait, are you living with me?Justin/Bobby: What does it mean to even live together anyway? I mean, is it when two souls share the same space? The same bathroom?Audrina: In this case, yeah it is.Justin/Bobby: Right, well then is it ok if I crash here?Audrina: Fine.

Meanwhile, across town, Stephanie drops by Heidi's apartment and is shocked to find Spencer there.

Spencer: What are you doing here?Stephanie: What are you doing here?

No, Stephanie. What are you doing there? You know damn well that Heidi isn't home. Did you come to steal her trashy platform heels? Her shiny stretch pants? Her teeth whitening trays?

Hmm? Hmm?

But Spencer doesn't have time for such questioning. He is a man on a mission. A man determined to find Heidi.

Stephanie: If I tell you where she is, do you promise you won't freak out?Spencer: Well I can promise that, but will you believe me? Stephanie: Not really.Spencer: Ok then.Stephanie: She's in Vegas.Spencer: VEGAS!?Stephanie: With her bosses. Spencer: WITH HER BOSSES!Stephanie: It's just a work thing. Spencer: I'll have to put an end to this. Steaphanie: Please don't. You're obviously going to make her and yourself look really stupid and force her to make a tough decision in the last 5 minutes of today's episode. Spencer: Sweet.

And Heidi is indeed hard at work, with her boss Brent and her boss's boss, Sleazy Sam. They're taking a tour of the hotel that SBE plans to buy and turn into an over-publicized hotspot filled with nightclubs that I'd never get into and coked out, scary rich kids. If you ask me, Vegas has enough of this, but Sleazy Sam doesn't want my input, he wants Heidi's.

Sleazy Sam: So for the poolside, we're going to take out all of these lounge chairs and bring in new lounge chairs. And then we're going to bring in some fountains to give it a European feel.Heidi: That's brilliant. When I see fountains, I think Europe.Sleazy Sam gives Heidi's butt a little pinch. Sleazy Sam: Ah, toots. Keep your mouth shut and you'll go far. Heidi: Heh...Sleazy Sam: Are you writing this down?

Sleazy Sam: Here we have the presidential suite, with a view of the runway at McCarran International Airport. I'm thinking we'll tear down the airport and put in a giant tank of girls in mermaid costumes. Or maybe a roller derby.Heidi: Brent, can I have a word with you?Brent: I guess.Heidi: Is Vice President of New Business a real thing?Brent: Of course. Otherwise I wouldn't have brought you on this trip.Heidi: Oh..ok great. Because you know, I'm really dedicated to this company. And I will do whatever it takes--Brent: Yeah that's great. Are we done here?

Back in Hollywood, Lauren and Whitney are hard at work, moving clothes from one rack to another.

Lauren: I like your dress. I like that it has every color in it.Whitney: Thank yooouuu-ah. So how are things with Audrina?Lauren: Not so great.Whitney: Realleh?Lauren: Yeah.Whitney: Oh my god, what's happeningk?

Lauren: She's been really distant every since Lo and I stopped talking to her.Whitney: No way.Lauren: It's like she's upset or something. But I didn't do anything wrong.Whitney: Of course you didn't. I mean, what did she say when you asked her what was up?

Lauren: What do you mean?Whitney: You know, when you talked to her to see why she's been sad for the past few weeks.Lauren: Oh. I haven't asked her. She can talk to me too. It's a two way street.Whitney: Of course. I just thought...Lauren: You are one scene away from being completely out of this show. So I'd tread lightly if I were you.Whitney: Right.

Hours later, Team Pratt rolls into down the Las Vegas strip, ready to sabotage Heidi's career and ruin her life forever.

He puts lil' sis on the phone to find out where she is.

Stephanie: I'm not calling her.Spencer: Do it.Stephanie: I won't let you carry out this evil deed.Spencer: Then why are you here?

Stephanie (dialing phone): I'm going to stop you from finding Hei---Oh hiii. How are you? How's Vegas? So where are you? A meeting? No where exactly? Mmhmm. Is the table in the corner? More in the middle. Yeah-huh. Got it. Oh, just curious. Well bye.

And now it's time to crash the party.

Spencer pulls up to the valet at Palazzo and runs inside, leaving kid sister in the car to fend for herself.

Inside, Heidi looks like she's quickly becoming a member of the boys' club, laughing at all of Sleazy Sam's dumb jokes. Just when she thinks things are finally looking up...

Spencer swoops in. "Ehhh...excuse me fellas. Sorry to interrupt your dinner, but I need to speak to the little lady for a second."

Embarrassed (and probably secretly excited), Heidi excuses herself from her meeting to go see what the hell Spencer wants this time. Sleazy Sam and pals are all bent out of shape like, "Someone leaving a dinner meeting for 2 minutes. This is most unusual!"

I believe he actually says, "Looks like we'll have to find a new project manager." Man this guy is tough. But he has to be. After all, there's no time for fun and games in the night club/casino business.

Heidi is not pleased.

Heidi: Spencer, what is wrong with you? I'm in the middle of a very important meeting.Spencer: Do you even know what they're talking about?Heidi: That's not funny. I'm sitting back down.Spencer: No, please don't. I didn't mean to make you angry. I know that I've pissed you off every other time I've barged in when you were in the middle of something and made a plea for you to take me back, but I thought this time you'd be delighted.Heidi: Well, I'm not. Spencer: I can tell. You're screaming in my face.

And then Spencer finally says the words that will melt Heidi's heart and win her over forever.

"Just come back to LA with me."

Oh, Spencer, you are a true romantic.

Look, Heidi is actually moved.

But it seems that not everyone is a big fan of obnoxious desperation, for Sam and some unnamed associate decide to put an early end to the evening. And Brent scolds Heidi for leaving their side for 3 fucking seconds.

Poor Heidi. Life is tough.

Heidi: What am I to do? I love being important at my job, but I don't want to die alone and Spencer may be the only person in the world capable of loving me.

It seems like Heidi and Spencer are finally ready to resolve their issues, but back at the house, Lauren is stalling in her plans to have a serious heart-to-heart with Audrina.

Lauren: I want to go talk to her, but I'm scared to walk into her little house.Lo: I've heard screams coming from her house late at night.Lauren: Really?Lo: Yeah. She's nuts. We have to kick her out immediately.Lauren: Well first I think we need to just talk to her. But that can wait til after dinner. Lo: The dinner we made together. Yay!

After last night's unforgettable faux pas, Brent and Sleazy Sam are in no mood to deal with Heidi's tardiness for a morning appointment. They decide to just hop in the limo and go without her.

Has Heidi lost her mind? Has she overslept? Succumb to a previously suppressed gambling addiction that prevents her from getting up from the slot machine she's perched infront of all night long, gambling away her millions one quarter at a time?

Don't get too excited. She's just off frolicking with Spencer and kid sister, apparently having chosen her man over her job. I can't say I blame her. I'd want to quit too if I'd just spent the weekend surrounded by potential mobsters who yelled at me.

I feel good about this reunion of theirs. First of all, it should shut them both up for a while. Secondly, Heidi appears to be wearing normal clothes again.

Now we go back to the house, where Lauren has just arrived home from work and sits down to chat with Lo.

Lauren: I mean, I don't know if she is or not. I haven't talked to her.Lo: Are you kidding me? Lauren: I don't like this tone of yours.Lo: I'm sorry, hun. I just thought that after you've been going on about this for days, you would've actually sat down and said something by now. She's not that intimidating, you know.Lauren: I know.Lo: So...

Worried about pissing off yet another friend, Lauren decides to march into Audrina's little house and ask her what gives.

The whole conversation is pretty slow. And I don't know about you, but at this point I pretty much only cared to find out what was happening with Heidi and Spencer.

The only key line of this scene was Audrina saying, "It's not about you, Lauren." In context, she was trying to tell Lauren that it was Lo who was causing the tension between them. But I just loved hearing someone say this to her for once.

After getting nowhere, Lauren starts to cry.

Oh boo freaking hoo.

So what's up with Heidi and Spencer?!

Those crazy kids look like they're moving back in together.

Ah, young love.

And so we conclude a rather uneventful season of The Hills.

Do you ever get into work on Monday, and a coworker asks how your weekend went, and even though you answer "busy" and you felt like it was busy, you can't actually remember accomplishing one thing?

For SEVEN YEARS I've been getting Rolling Stone for free. Then they put the stupid fucking hills on the cover and it comes with a bill... really annoying coincidence, I think not. The Hills is now officially crossed the line from extremely annoying to negatively affecting my life.

Although, I must say, I can't wait for the part where Lo murders Lauren, skins her, and wears her as a suit.

Also, when are you getting your face done to look like a tranny hooker? Heidi loved Spencer enough to do it for him...

This was the first episode I have fully watched in this whole season. I was so bored that I wasn't even watching it; I kept it on as background noise.

Either way, I was curious to see what the "shocking" new season was going to be like & well... what do you know? It looks like it's going to be the same shit just on different days! Gee, how exciting. How shocking! (how lame.) Don't these girls have better things to do?

& I, too, was appalled to see those girl on the cover of Rolling Stone. What is this world coming to? Dear lord...

I read somewhere that during the Rolling Stone photo shoot, Lauren and Heidi ignored each other completely. Except Heidi was vamping it up for the camera (see her sticking her butt out like shes in Playboy?), so when her back was turned, Lauren would make fun of her vampy poses.

thank you for making it ok that we got rid of cable. seriously, these updates are (very, very sadly) one of the only things getting me through. I bite my lip at my desk while reading them in order to bottle up the laughter. The thing is, I once really loved Lo, but from what I gather, she's turned stalker. Also, I read in a magazine this weekend that lauren has a new boyfriend . . . and that brody and spencer are friends again. the horror!

My favorite was that Spencer (SP if you're nasty) came out of nowhere, told the group that that he needed to speak with Heidi, and then stalked out. At no point did he address her or ask her to come with him, but that didn't stop Heidi from trotting on after her. What a ding dong.

Also, what was with the tiny claw clips on top of everyone's heads? They served no purpose, as far as I could tell. They were too close to the rubber bands to give any extra poofiness... what gives? I mean, I'm going to go buy some, of course. I'd just like to know why.