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Glenn Quagmire Quotes

Airport Clerk: Aw, that was great.Quagmire: Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your panties may have shifted during coitus. Oh right! I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?Airport Clerk: 209? That flight left half and hour ago.Quagmire: Oh my God! Oh my God! That plane's going down! My friends are on that plane! They're all going to die!Airport Clerk: What? Oh no!Quagmire: And that's not the worst part. Here's the condom I said I put on.Airport Clerk: (gasp)Quagmire: Hahaha, aren't I just the worst?

Cleveland: So how's the job hunt going?Peter: It's awful Cleveland, Quagmire blew every gig we got him.Quagmire: It's too bad, I really liked that job working on the Starship Enterprise. (Flashback to Quagmire on Starship Enterprise. He walks to Captain Kirk and whispers.) Dude, you got to introduce me to that black chick.

(Over the plane's intercom) Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your captain Glenn Quagmire, uhhhhhhh we're lookin' bout a four and a half hour flight time today, uhhhhhhh got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is sixty-four degrees, uhhhhhhhhhh the flight is gonna be a little longer than we've expected, uh we've got some very strong head winds, gigity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.

Peter: Boy Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired ya. I feel like this is partially my fault.Quagmire: (Sarcastically) No Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck.

(Chris and Quagmire are on the couch with a calculator, Chris is typing in numbers)Quagmire: Okay, now add twenty.Chris: Okay.Quagmire: Now multiply it by four.Chris: Okay.Quagmire: Now what do ya got?Chris: Eight thousand and eight.Quagmire: And what does eight thousand eight look like on a calculator?Chris: Oh, Boob!Quagmire: Boob! Yeah! Alright, alright, alright, Boob!Chris: What if we had two calculators and we put em next to each other?Quagmire: Huh! Yes, yes, yes, find one, yes.

Quagmire: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke!Peter: I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.Quagmire: Oh relax, huh? Look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, just tapped it again. Tap, tap, tap...oh where is it? It's in the hole. Eagle. Yay Quagmire!(Quagmire bends his putter across his knee and throws it against the cart)Joe: Hey Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.Quagmire: You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey!Cleveland: What does that even mean?Quagmire: I don't know. (voice drops to normal) Boy, we've got a beautiful day for this.

(Camera cuts to Quagmire and three girls)Quagmire: ...So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and the bartender says a grasshopper. So the guy orders a grasshopper. Then, he's walkin' home, and along the way he notices a grasshopper on the ground. So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?" and the grasshopper says "You mean there's a drink named Irving?"(Quagmire and the girls all laugh)Quagmire: So which one of you wants to lose your virginity?

Quagmire: What are you doing?Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.Joe: I like to watch her strip, and pretend she's a total stranger who looks exactly like my wife and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!!

Woman: I am not doing that Glenn.Quagmire: Come on beautiful, keep an open mind.Woman: You're a sick man!Quagmire: Hey keep it down, I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn.Woman: Whore? Well maybe I should come inside.Quagmire: Well maybe you should.

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Chris: Mr. Woods. How do I get a girl to like me?James Woods: Oh Chris, I'm your father, call me "dad".Chris: Um, okay, dad. How do I get a girl to like me?James Woods: Well, there's a number of ways Chris. Uh, for example, Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier, and he threw a punch social one day, and we both happened to be there, and the next thing you know, we're both in the back room, slam bang. I went bareback, babe.Chris: Wow, she sounds like a class act.James Woods: No, not at all Chris. No, not at all.