Jor-El

"Damn it, you're all going to die! Why won't you take me seriously as a scientist? Is it the outfit? The cape?"

― Jor-El rants

Jor-El is an award-winning scientist and author of books on child psychology. On the planet Krypton, where all people have evolved into an extremely advanced race of pompous buffoons, he was ignored for his silly theories regarding the end of the world. Unfortunately, of all of his doom prophecies, he wouldn't actually get one right until his fourteenth try.

Luckily, he was able to make one final act before dying a horrible explosive death with his cold emotionally distant loving wife. To continue the legacy of Krypton, he sent an unarmed baby, his son Kal-El rocketing into space at great velocities, with the hope that maybe it would land somewhere livable and not die slowly in space or crash land or any of the other horrible things that you might imagine would happen when you SEND AN INFANT ALONE INTO SPACE. This infant would later grow up to be Earth's greatest hero... the Man of Steel... Pimp from the Stars... Superman.

And by some sort of miracle, this child landed in Smallville, and happened upon the one passably acceptable family in the American midwest... the Kents, Jonathan and Martha. An idealistic young couple who had that perfect mixture of good family values, but at the same time had no problem stealing a baby from a cornfield.

In his last few minutes alive, Jor-El did the reasonable thing any man would do when faced with extinction. The same thing we would all do when faced with the threat of meeting our maker, and possibly the extermination of our entire race. So that he might die a happy and fulfilled man. However, even in these circumstances, his wife still refused to let him put it in her butt.

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