new stepfamily

Elizabeth - posted on 01/03/2009
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my exhusband was very abusive physically,mentally, and emotionally to me. Only towards the end did he hurt one of my boys. But he was very still metally and emotionally abusive to them. He left us for anothe married woman. It was a messy situation because he kept coming back and forth until i gave him the boot and put his crap on the side of the curb on our lawn. then something amazing happened god sent a really great guy to me who is normal. who loves with flaws and all but i still am having a hard time because I'm scared he still might turn into a monster. Oh by the way I have three boys and have some pretty serious illnesses yet he still sticks around and deals with it. He treats my boys like their his own! am I crazy to be so skeptical

Hi Elizabeth. You do sound really scared, and probably rightly so. And I also think that communicating your fear to your new partner is important. Just getting it off your chest and admitting that you are scared will make you feel better since he should respond with some patience and understanding. I also went through a similar situation, mentally and emotionally abused for over a decade with three children in tow. I met my current partner only 7 months after my ex husband left and I was very very skeptical about letting anyone into my life, and especially my children's lives. We had lots of conversations whenever I would get uncomfortable with the pace that the relationship was going (please slow down!) and he always responded so wonderfully, with patience and understanding, that it kept me from running scared. Two years later, we moved in together and sometimes I am still waiting for the ax to fall.. for him to start treating me or the kids like crap, etc.. but day by day he is showing me that he is NOT my ex! (despite the fact that they have the same first name! lol... so that " I am not.... " wouldn't work! lol) My point is (I do have one).. what is your rush in totally trusting him? It's not natural in any situation, I feel, to totally trust someone right away, and why push yourself to do so if you are not ready. You can tell him.. it's not you.. it's my ghosts.. and that is fair. One day at a time, and if he is trustworthy and doesn't hurt you, then you will gradually trust him and open up, but my feeling is that this is all gradual.. slow and steady wins the race. Best of luck to you.. you and your kids have been through enough and YES you deserve happiness! The new guy knows it, you just have to believe it too.

Its hard to overcome the feelings that come from being betrayed emotionally and physically. It takes God to get you through it. Continue to pray and ask for His strength and power to overcome these hard feelings. Make sure you are always communicating your fear to your husband so he can try and understand. It does take time and it may never go away but theres always "lots of baggage" that comes with a remarriage. Good luck and remember to rely on God and the love He has for you and your new family.

Not crazy at all. My ex was a physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive person. However, he kept it all directed at me. He never once said or did anything to our 2 daughters. When I finally got the courage to leave (after the first time he hit me in front of our kids, who were 2 1/2 and 1 at the time), I thought I would never be able to trust anyone again. Well, a year later, I met my now husband. He loves me, adores my kids, and makes my life whole. He doesn't judge.

We just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary in December and in February, we're together 10 years. We, also, had 2 more daughters together.

What I'm trying to say is, you have to have faith and trust your new man. I know it's easy to be defensive in this situation but, like my husband says whenever I get like this, "Mary, I'm NOT Michael." If your man is anything like my husband (and he definitely sounds like he is), he'll understand that he needs to be patient and understanding. You, however, have to work on trusting him to not hurt you.

After a while, the skeptical feelings will pass. You need to believe that you deserve to be happy and loved. The fact that you found a man who does this AND loves your kids as well is just icing on the cake.