I didn’t really like this episode, but let’s see if I can come up with something to say about it anyway.

Yummy!

One of the first things we learn in this episode is that Dr. Lyndgate is doped out of his mind most of the time. I looked it up and laudanum is a tincture of opium. So that’s fun.

Matching Pink Butterfly Net

So, to set the scene, we’re back in the past and Alice thinks that Cyrus is dead. She has been unceremoniously dumped back into Victorian England near her house.

A little girl runs up to Alice. Who is she?

SO MANY FEELINGS

It’s Alice’s half-sister, Millie!?

Time in Wonderland and Victorian England must work differently, because it turns out that several years have passed while she was in Wonderland, enough time for her father, Edwin, to start a whole new family.

Alice is much more concerned about losing the boyfriend she’s had for, like, 3 days, than the father she abandoned for a decade. The most important love is True Love™.

Grrrrrrrrr…

Alice’s new stepmother, Sarah, is evil and hates Alice, because of course she does. Once Upon a Time in Wonderland only subverts traditional female fairytale roles for its heroes, the villainous women have to all be clichés.

Wouldn’t it have been interesting if Alice’s new stepmother was the one that was sympathetic to Alice, the one defending Alice from a father that doesn’t understand her?

Somebody’s baking purple cookies!

Back to the present, Alice is wandering around the forest looking for Cyrus, because the producers paid a lot to rent out this section of the Vancouver forest and, buy gum, they’re going to get their money’s worth out of it.

So, Alice wanders around the Black Forest (Hey! It prefers to be called the “African-American Forest”) and she ends up in the Boro Grove, which is still pretty much the same forest, only it’s more purpley.

The first thing Alice does in the Boro Grove is inhale a strange, purple mist, because, you know, that’s what one should do when they come upon an unidentified gaseous substance. The mist make her all mimsy. Get it? It’s like “All mimsy were the borogoves”. It’s like that thing from that book by that guy!

Where’s the Walrus?

We meet the Carpenter from the poem The Carpenter and the Walrus. He doesn’t do anything really, except stand around and become a tree, because he inhaled the purple mist. His buddy, the Walrus, is nowhere to be found. They’re just name-dropping a character from Through the Looking-Glass to remind us that we’re still in Wonderland, because, really, without the occasional shout-out and fibreglass mushroom, this is just like any other generic fairytale world. I blame all the wandering about in the woods.

It’s a SHADE-OFF!

The Red Queen also wanders around the woods, because they needed to give her something to do this episode. She wants capture Cyrus for evil reasons. but, like, they’re reason’s that are slightly less evil than the reasons that Jafar want’s him for. We still don’t know what either of them are trying actually trying to accomplish and it’s hard to stay interested at extremely vague hints at potential evil doings.

The Red Queen is really mean to her Tweedle. What are the Tweedles, exactly? Is a Tweedle a type of critter, or is it a family name? When are we going to find out how they became David Bowie fans?

Anyway, she better start being nice to the Tweedles, or they’ll probably quit doing her hair up all pretty-like. Oh… And they’ll probably keep reporting her secrets to Jafar, which is what I assume the missing Tweedle is doing.

Awkward!

Back in the past, Alice is having a lot of trouble readjusting to Victorian England norms. Her evil stepmother wants to marry Alice off as soon as possible, because finding a good husband is the best a woman can hope for in Victorian England. Doesn’t Stepmom know that in Wonderland a girl can aspire to be a princess or an evil witch? It’s way more progressive in Wonderland.

And it’s not like Alice offers up any viable alternatives to her stepmother’s plan. Moping over your dead boyfriend and trying to convince people that Wonderland is real isn’t going to put food on the table, Alice.

Alice says that they should believe her about Wonderland, because love means never having to provide proof, or something. You know, my Uncle Vito told us to believe that he had stopped drink because we loved him, and then he drove his Honda Accord into a lake. Sometimes, love means throwing Uncle Vito into rehab. And so, Alice gets carted off to Bethlem Asylum for saying crazy-sounding things.

This is not good.

You know that purple mist from earlier? It turns you into a tree for some reason. Don’t worry, the Knave shows up to save her.

Why doesn’t the Knave start turning into a tree as well, you ask? Well, as it turns out, when Alice got the Knave’s heart back for him, he never bother putting it back in.

But the Knave doesn’t act heartless at all! Actually, I’d say that he seems to have the biggest heart of anyone on this show. He agreed to help the White Rabbit save Alice, even though there was nothing in it for him. He’s always trying to find nonviolent solutions to things, while Alice is going around stabbing everything. He apologized for breaking Silvermist’s heart. These aren’t the actions of a heartless man.

Greeting, my jolly-good chum!

Oh. Did I mention that Jafar is in Victorian England? Well he is and he stole some guy’s clothing and left him dead and naked in a field. Sure, Jafar could have probably just have magiced himself some new clothes, but the other way was more fun.

Jafar is probably going to do nasty things to Alice’s dad.

Again with the falling?

And then Cyrus fell off a cliff again, because it’s his favourite pastime.

Some other stuff:

According to the creators of the show, there is an entire Victorian England realm, so this show doesn’t actually involve any time travel. I’m still waiting for them to go to the Star Wars realm.

Seriously, what the Heck happened to Elizabeth Lizard? Did she die? Why does no one seem to care?

Anastasia and Will Scarlet are all happy and about to head off to Wonderland when…

THEY’RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU!

Anastasia’s mom shows up to ruin their good time.

It turns out that Anastasia is quite the disappointment to her mother, because she’s not a queen or even a noblewoman and she can’t stand the fact that her daughter has fallen in love with the commoner, Will Scarlet. This is basically rehash of the relationship that Regina had with her mother, Cora, on Once Upon a Time.

Anastasia’s mother mentions that Anastasia has sister’s. If this is the Anastasia from the Cinderella story, then her sisters will be Cinderella and Drizella. Cinderella, as you may remember, is also Ashley Boyd in Storybrooke. We haven’t seen Ashley for a long time. She had just given birth, if I recall correctly. I wonder if they’d actually consider bringing Cinderella back for Once Upon a Time in Wonderland? I hope that mentioning the sisters isn’t just another allusion that doesn’t pay off.

Yes. That is very helpful, Alice.

Alice feels really bad about the Knave getting turned to stone.

What happened Elizabeth the Lizard? She was right there with them wasn’t she? Lizard seemed really interested in helping the Knave, but she’s just up and disappeared.

I’ve been here since aught-diggity, laddie.

So, Cyrus escapes, but the old prisoner decides not to go with him.

I actually have a new theory as to just who the old prisoner is. I think it may actually be an older Jafar from another universe or timeline. Young Jafar wants Old Jafar to tell him about his future, but Old Jafar knows exactly what a horrible person he was when he was younger, so he’s keeping his mouth shut. He doesn’t want Young Jafar to have any more power.

What boyfriend?

Back in the past, Will Scarlet and Anastasia sneak into a royal ball to steal bread, because breaking into a bakery would be riskier, duh.

While Will is off doing the dirty work stealing roll, Anastasia flirts with the king. It all goes so well until one of the ladies notices that Anastasia is wearing a dress stolen from her carriage and they get kicked out. Who steals a dress from a carriage right outside the place they are sneaking into? And who keeps extra clothing just lying around in their carriage?

Hey remember that time that Cinderella snuck into a ball, and that time that Cora snuck into a ball, and that that time Ariel and Snow White into a ball, like, only two weeks ago? They need to find another activity for the upper class of the fairy tale world to engage in.

Should’ve leapt from the lion’s head.

Remember that scene from Indian Jones and the Last Crusade, where Indy has to take a leap of faith? This episode totally rips that scene off, but they take twenty minutes doing it.

So, yeah, this week’s magical macguffin is magical dust that can only be found by taking a leap of faith into the Great Divide. The Red Queen needs the dust to protect herself fro Jafar, but the catch is that one needs a pure heart to take the leap and the Red Queen’s heart has been tainted by her evil deeds. Apparently, Alice has a pure heart, which I don’t really buy. Remember how Alice just stabbed the Mock Turtle for no reason? In fact, Alice is always threatening people with her sword. That’s not the type of thing someone with a pure heart would do, I shouldn’t think. Alice falls into the chasm anyway, maybe because her heart isn’t entirely pure?

Something’s afoot…

Meanwhile, Jafar has his turncoat Tweedle bring him the White Rabbit. Jafar wants the White Rabbit to tell him who Alice’s loved ones are, so that he can hold them hostage and force Alice to use her remaining wishes to save them. The White Rabbit Refuses to, that is, until Jafar chops off one of his feet in a scene that’s sure to he traumatized many of the younger viewer.

The White Rabbit tells Jafar who the loved on is off-screen. I find that type of thing annoying. They interrupt the narrative flow just so they can stretch a reveal out over several episodes and usually the payoff is a letdown.

They want us to think that this loved one is really Alice’s father, but I bet that it’s her mother. Or her kitten. Didn’t Alice have a kitten in the story?

Creepy…

In the chasm of dust or whatever, Alice is confronted with a creepy doppelganger moppet of her younger self. The doppelganger tries to goad Alice into killing the Red Queen, but Alice has too much of a pure heart to kill her. The doppelganger then crumples into the magic dust. Is the dust actually the remains of the doppelganger? Are they carrying around the ashes of a dead ghost girl? This sequence was just weird.

You don’t even know this man’s name…

Anastasia later breaks back into the palace to try and steal the crown jewels. The king catches her, but instead of having her beheaded he’s all like, “Hey, kid, I like your gumption! Why don’t you marry me and junk?”

And so, Anastasia abandons her love and Anastasia marries a man she just met 10 minutes ago for the power and riches. Didn’t Cora do this exact same thing? Is betraying the person you love to marry into royalty how all the ladies become queens in wonderland?

The king isn’t around anymore, so the Red Queen probably ends up killing him or something? Or does she really fall in love with him, but he dies and that’s why she wants to change the laws of magic, so she can bring the king back from the dead?

In his episode, we learn about Jafar and how his daddy issues turned him evil.

Don’t worry, he’ll be evil soon.

You see, Jafar is the bastard child of the Sultan of Agrabah, who rejects him and forces him to live like and orphan on the streets of Agrabah. He should feel lucky that the Sultan merely cast him out, instead of having him killed. Royal types tend not to like leaving loose heirs lying around.

She’s pretty, but she’s evil.

One day, Jafar sees a chance to get revenge against the Sultan. He’ll get an evil sorceress, Amara, to teach him magic that he will use against the Sultan.

Too bad there’s no fairy tale land version of Maury to sort out this whole paternity mess.

Icky.

Amara’s training of Jafar goes a bit like Rumpelstiltskin’s training of Regina. Eventually Jafar must commit and evil deed, not giving an antidote to a poisoned man, to prove he’s willing to go all the way in this evil magic business. It’s pretty much exactly like how Regina had to tear out and crush a heart to prove herself to Rumpelstiltskin.

Once he’s proven himself, Amara reveals her final magical secret to Jafar: if they obtain the world’s three genies, then they can change the very laws of magic.

Capturing three genies, killing countless people and changing the laws of magic seems like overkill just to show your father how angry you are at him., but, whatever, Jafar is really, really angry at the guy. Just zapping the Sultan in the ace with a lightning bolt of something apparently wouldn’t be enough to get the point across.

Ooooor… Does Jafar really want to change the laws of magic, so that he can change the past and have a good childhood with a loving father?

I found the romantic relationship between Amara and Jafar to be a bit icky, because she had trained him since he was a kid. I bet that’s exactly how the writers wanted the audience to feel about it though.

Poor Sidney

So, who’s the third genie? We’ve already met Cyrus the genie and Sidney Glass the genie from Once Upon a Time. Will the third genie be a new character or someone we’ve met before?

This also messes up the timelines in Once Upon a Time and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland. It shows that Jafar was in possession of Sidney’s lamp before Sidney met Regina, but we first meet the Knave of Hearts in present-day Storybrooke where Sidney is now a magic mirror and not a genie. TIME PRETZEL.

Is this the Sultan of Agrabah?

I’m going to bet right now that the mystery prisoner in the dungeon with Cyrus is really the Sultan of Agrabah, but why is Jafar just keeping him prisoner, instead of killing him and getting his revenge?

Throwing shade like professionals!

Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. The Red Queen captures the Knave of Hearts and they have a bunch of angry feelings together over their shared past and betrayal, after which the Red Queen decides she’ll have the Knave beheaded.

One of the Ziggy Stardust Tweedles is really a double agent and sharing the Red Queen’s secrets with Jafar, but I’m not sure whether it’s Dee or Dum. I wonder if this will drive a wedge between the twin brothers?

This lizard needs to be greener.

Hey, we make a new friend! Meet Elizabeth, or Lizard as everyone calls her. The Knave of Hearts helped her out in the past and taught her how to be a thief. Lizard is totally in love with the Knave of hearts now, so she would be really sad if the Knave of Hearts lost his head.

Lizard and Alice disguise themselves as executioners to stop the Knaves execution, just like Socrates and Billy the Kid did for Bill and Ted in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

The Knave is so stoned right now.

It’s all in vain though, because Jafar and the Red Queen just show up right after the rescue to spoil everyone’s fun. Jafar is about to kill the Knave, until Alice uses one of her wishes to stop him. She wishes that she ill die if the Knave dies. For some reason, if you kill a genie’s master, you can’t get any wishes from the genie. Does this mean that if a genie’s master die accidentally, that the genie can never grant any wishes again, or does it only happen if the master is murdered? Anyway, Jafar can’t kill Alice or the Knave, if wants to get Cyrus transferred to him.

Angered, Jafar turns the Knave into stone, hoping that Alice will have to use one of her wishes to turn him back into flesh.

*HISS*

In the past, Jafar had also turned Amara into a magical staff. Jafar likes turning people into inanimate objects. At least she gets to be at the side of the man she love forever now.

*BRAP*

Meet Burp Guard. Burp Guard is my new hero. Burp Guard provides Cyrus with a wishbone that Cyrus can magically use to escape from his cage. Genies have magic over any object with the word “wish” in it, don’t you know?

So, yeah, this episode ends with Cyrus starting to escape from his cage, but I bet it will still be a few episode before he and Alice are reunited. Heck, at the start of next week’s episode, I bet Jafar shows up just before Cyrus is about to break free and stops him while cackling or something.

SPOILER ALERT! THIS CONTAINS SPOILER FOR THE SECOND EPISODE OF SEASON 1 OF ONCE UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND, “TRUST ME”.

In this episode, it’s Jafar and the Red Queen VS Alice and the Knave of Hearts, in an epic race to locate Cyrus’ genie bottle. Well, when I say, “race” what I mean is “leisurely jaunt through the woods of Vancouver”.

Incidentally, putting giant foam mushrooms randomly amongst the trees doesn’t really make it look like a mystical land, but I appreciate that they tried and it is better than bad CGI backgrounds.

Tweedle-Ziggy and Tweedle-Stardust

Why do Tweedledee and Tweedledum have Ziggy Stardust lightning bolts on their faces? I mean, it’s fabulous! But why?

Jafar and the Red Queen want the genie’s bottle because it will allow Jafar to break the laws of magic. The laws of magic are: You can’t kill anyone; You can’t bring anyone by from the dead; You can’t change the past; And, you can’t make anyone fall in love. Except, we’ve seen these laws being broken. In this very episode, Jafar uses his magic to turn a bunch of peasants into dust, killing them. We’ve seen the White Rabbit and Jefferson from Once Upon a Time each open portals through time, so you can change the past. Dr. Frankenstein from Once Upon a Time also used magical hearts to raise the dead. I guess the laws only apply to genie magic? Jafar and the Red Queen must want to use magic to make someone fall in love with them, because I think that’s the only magic law we haven’t seen broken in this universe. They, of course, can’t say why they are doing the evil things they’re doing, almost as though they know they’re on a television show and that they have to pad things out for several episodes by being vague.

She’s busy flower arranging! Stop interrupting her, Jafar!

Jafar is keeping Cyrus in a silver cage, because genies are allergic to silver, apparently. I have never heard of genies having any weaknesses before. Hopefully, Cyrus is half vampire and will go on a crazy murderous, bloodsucking rampage soon.

I wish that Cyrus was actually a sinister character, like he was tricking Alice into falling in love with him, so that she’d wish for his freedom, but it’s just doe-eyes and romantic quips with this guy.

WHAT DID THE MOCK TURTLE EVER DO TO YOU?

Alice wants the genie bottle, because, after she makes her three wishes, Cyrus will be sucked back into his bottle and then they can be all kissy kissy magical in lovey dovey again.

I’m starting to really dislike the Alice and Cyrus romance, mostly because there wasn’t an actual romance. They just fell in love in love at first sight because they are both pretty, and now they’re slavishly devoted to eachother. It reminds me of Anakin and Padme in Star Wars: Attack of the Clones.

When they get Cyrus back, Alice wants the Knave of Hearts to wish for Cyrus’ freedon. Note: Alice wasn’t willing to wish for Cyrus’ freedom, because wishes always have a bad reaction in equal magnitude to the wish and wishing for a genie’s freedom is a big wish. Who cares if something bad happens to the Knave of Hearts after he wishes for Cyrus’ freedom, though? Alice doesn’t seem to care about anything other than her and Cyrus. For example: she was so fixated on getting to the bottle as fast as possible, that she stabs and threatens a poor giant mock turtle to take her to it. The poor turtle was just hanging out in a lake, seemingly asleep, and a crazy girl wakes it up by stabbing it in the neck. USE YOUR WORDS, ALICE!

Poor Knave of Hearts, too. He has to hear constantly about Alice’s epic romance and apparently he lost a love named Anastasia, in the past. I hope that this “Anastasia” is actually Anastasia Romanov, daughter of Tsar Nicolas II of Russia, and we get some sweet Rasputin action. Maybe, Jafar is also Rasputin. Everybody must be at least two things!

Anyway, long story short, the Red Queen ends up with the genie’s bottle, because the White Rabbit was randomly hiding behind a bush when Alice and Cyrus were burying it. Yep.

Oh, and one other thing, Alice says that her mother died in childbirth. I never trust these shows when somebody dies off-screen, hell, not even when they die on-screen. I bet that Alice’s mother isn’t really dead and that her mother’s disappearance has something to do with why Alice was led to Wonderland in the first place.

*UPDATE* I just remembered that one of the evil stepsisters from Cinderella was named “Anastasia”. That’s a possibility for the Knaves of Hearts lost love as well. I hope they wouldn’t be as obvious as that, though.