One Choice Can Alter Your Destiny

It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently.

What are the three or four most significant decisions you’ve made in your life? Which choices have given you the greatest pride? When we’re confronted with these questions, the first answers that come to mind are the larger events in our lives. We think about a career path, choosing our spouse, a decision to move to a new area.

It’s true that these choices affect our lives in significant ways. But when reflecting on the totality of our impact on the world – our existence and legacy – we come to realize that in many cases the seemingly more trivial decisions constitute the essence of who we really are. These are the courageous choices that emerge from a steadfast commitment to our values.

What do we want our reputation to be? How do our actions reflect on our family, community and God? King Solomon reflected that a good reputation is more valuable than wealth. He challenges us to ponder what mark we truly want to make in the world. What do we truly want to leave behind?

One of the core principles of leading a life of deep fulfillment and endurance is our ability to make courageous choices in every moment. Do we choose based on convenience or conviction, principle or pressure?

A common regret at the end of one’s life is: “I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

Studies show that most people rarely find the inner strength to make the best choices. When we’re afraid of making tough decisions, it often leads to a life of remorse and regret. In a recent book, Australian palliative nurse Bronnie Ware notes that the most common regret at the end of one’s life is wishing that “I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

We’re making hundreds of meaningful choices every day. These small decisions require reservoirs of strength, faith, and clarity.

Do you want to be remembered as a giver or a taker? Do you want to be remembered for your honesty, authenticity, and warmth? We make a promise; do we get back to someone with an answer? We’re asked to help someone; do we seize the chance to help? We’re entrusted with confidential information; do we keep a secret? We’re exhausted at the end of a hard day; do we smile when we walk into our home and give our family our best?

Every moment we’re given two paths to follow and we’re challenged with a chance to either elevate our lives and the world around us or not. A choice not taken is also a choice.

Bear in the mind the Warren Buffet 20/5 formula: “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently.”

Listen to the “final” words of Peregrine Financial Group CEO Russell Wasendorf Sr., which he penned in a suicide attempt note. In his letter, he confessed to bilking customers out of $200 million: “I had no access to additional capital and I was forced into a difficult decision: Should I go out of business or cheat? I guess my ego was too big to admit failure. So I cheated; I falsified the very core of the financial documents of PFG, the bank statements.”

One choice altered his destiny.

I can guarantee you that the headlines about cases like Wasendorf are merely the culmination of small decisions that spiraled out of control. One compromise leads to the next. Lives are ruined and the fallout shakes the foundations of our families, businesses, government, and schools.

In stark contrast, one of the most respected financiers in the world, Steve Schwartzman, CEO of Blackstone, the largest hedge fund in the world, shared his unwavering dedication to building a firm rooted in honesty and ethics. “When I interview new recruits to the firm, I warn them that if even only once they engage in behavior that smells wrong, not only will I fire them but I will ruin them, prosecute them, and destroy them. When asked by my partners why I am so harsh, I explain that I want everyone in my firm to be deeply rooted in doing the right thing. Your integrity is only tested when it costs you something.”

“Do not say something we do not want to be heard, for in the end it will be heard.”

Do we possess such courage with our own convictions? One split-second decision defines us, embodies us, and is how we’ll be remembered. Every week in the news, we see examples of the truism that a reputation is built over a lifetime, but one moral indiscretion destroys one. Thousands of years before social media, the Ethics of the Fathers taught, “Do not say something we do not want to be heard, for in the end it will be heard.”

No action is private. Every choice reflects our past and determines our future.

Who are you? What are the values that define you? Which beliefs of yours are worth fighting for?

Spend some time reflecting on these questions. Only when you know your values can you live them. If we search for approval or accolades before making a small decision, we won’t be prepared for what could be a truly transformative decision. We won’t possess the strength to express our deepest beliefs and aspirations. Our lives are, in fact, constituted by the heartfelt choices we make every day.

About the Author

Rabbi Daniel Cohen has served in the rabbinate for over 20 years and currently is senior rabbi at Congregation Agudath Sholom in Stamford, Connecticut, the largest modern orthodox synagogue in New England. A husband and father of six daughters, he is also co-host with Reverend Greg Doll of the nationally syndicated radio show, “The Rabbi and the Reverend,” on Sunday mornings at 11 a.m. and evenings at 9 p.m. He speaks frequently on leading a life of legacy, and is the author of the new book, “What Will They Say About You When You’re Gone: Creating a Life of Legacy” (Health Communications, Inc.).

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 4

(4)
jim,
February 15, 2017 10:36 AM

better to say nothing,do nothing...

than to say more or do more than is necessary and rightfully called for...take time to think and screen the thots.

(3)
Baruch,
February 13, 2017 7:54 AM

HaKol Lfi Rov HaMa'aseh - Everything's according to most of one's deeds

Warren Buffett is at odds with the Mishna that says it all goes according to the majority of our deeds, "HaKol Lfi Rov HaMa'aseh." Almost every person in the Torah has a well-studied misdeed or two (or more) on the record, and they are still considered good people.

(2)
Billy Levin,
February 13, 2017 5:31 AM

choosing the right decision

So many things go towards us making a decision and mostly, we are unaware of them. Our IQ, upbringing , religion, training, opportunity, previous experience , our desire to do or not to do, to please or not to please. Legal and moral situations also play a part. Understanding the functions of the human brain will certainly let us understand who and what we are. Roger Sperry received the Nobel prize for his "split brain research" . Pity we all do not know what he discovered. It would be a better world.

(1)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2017 8:25 PM

Todah rabah!

Todah rabah for a well-written and thought provoking article! Whew, there are a few BIG questions in here that will keep us busy around the Shabbat table for a while! Shalom!

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I always loved the story of Jonah and the whale. Why do we read it during the afternoon service of Yom Kippur?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Let's recap the story: God tells Jonah to go to Ninveh and to prophesy that in 40 days, God will destroy the city. Instead, Jonah goes to Jaffa, boards a ship, and sails for Tarshish. A great storm arises. Frightened, Jonah goes to sleep in the ship's hold. The sailors somehow recognize that Jonah is responsible for the storm. They throw him overboard, and the sea becomes calm.

A great fish swallows Jonah. Then three days later, God commands the fish to spit Jonah back out upon dry land. God tells Jonah, "Let's try it again. Go to Ninveh and tell them in 40 days I will destroy the city."

The story is a metaphor for our struggle for clarity. Jonah is the soul. The soul is assigned to sanctify the world, and draw it close to God. But we are seduced by the world's beauty. (Jaffa in Hebrew means "beauty.") The ship is the body, the sea is the world, and the storm is life's pains and troubles. God hopes confrontation with mortality will inspire us to examine our lives. But Jonah's is the more common response - we go to sleep (have a beer, turn on the television). The sailors throw Jonah overboard - this is death. The fish that swallows Jonah is the grave. Jonah is spat back upon the land - reincarnation. And the Almighty tells us to try again. "Go sanctify the world and bring it close to God."

Each of us is born with an opportunity and a challenge. We each have unique gifts to offer the world and unique challenges to perfect ourselves. If we leave the task unfinished the first time, we get a second chance. Jonah teaches us that repentance can reverse a harsh decree. If the residents of Ninveh had the ability to correct their mistakes and do teshuva, how much more so do we have the ability to correct our former mistakes and do teshuva.

(source: "The Bible for the Clueless But Curious," by Rabbi Nachum Braverman)

In 1948, Egypt launched a large-scale offensive against the Negev region of Israel. This was part of the War of Independence, an attack by five Arab armies designed to "drive the Jews into the sea." Though the Jews were under-armed, untrained, and few in number, through ingenuity and perseverance they staved off the attacks and secured the borders. Yet the price was high -- Israel lost 6,373 of its people, a full one percent of the Jewish population of Israel at the time.

And what does teshuvah consist of? [Repentance to the degree] that the One Who knows all that is hidden will testify that he will never again repeat this sin(Maimonides, Laws of Teshuvah 2:2).

"How can this be?" ask the commentaries. "Inasmuch as man always has free choice to do good or evil, to sin or not to sin, how can God testify that a person will never repeat a particular sin? Is this not a repudiation of one's free will?"

The answer to this came to me at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, at which the speaker, a man who had been sober for twenty-one years, said, "The man I was drank. The man I was will drink again. But now I am a different man."

A sin does not occur in a vacuum. A person who is devout does not abruptly decide to eat treifah. A sin occurs when a person is in such a state that a particular act is not anathema to him.

Consequently, repentance is not complete if one merely regrets having done wrong. One must ask, "How did this sin ever come about? In what kind of a state was I that permitted me to commit this sin?"

True repentance thus consists of changing one's character to the point where, as the person is now, one can no longer even consider doing the forbidden act. Of course, the person's character may deteriorate - and if it does, he may sin again.

God does not testify that the person will never repeat the sin, but rather that his degree of repentance and correction of his character defects are such that, as long as he maintains his new status, he will not commit that sin.

Today I shall...

try to understand how I came to do those things that I regret having done, and bring myself to a state where such acts will be alien to me.

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