Literate Ape is a literary digital 'zine and a dumping place for the random musings of a small shrewdness of diverse apes who managed to learn to read and write and use computers.

ABOUT THE APES IN CHARGE

Don Hall — co-editor

Don Hall is a freelance events consultant, founder of Literate Ape and author of four books including Belief is a Sledgehammer, Like a Burning Moth With No Idea How He Caught on Fire, and Strippers, Guns, and the Holocaust Museum.

David Himmel — co-editor

David Himmel is the author of the books A Camp Story and the forthcoming The Last DJ. An award-winning journalist, he is a contributor to POLITICO and is the former editor in chief of Chicago Health magazine.

Citizens to Elect Rahm Emanuel

8:00am September 5, 2018 The Mayor’s Office Chicago

In attendance: Rahm, Ted, Carol, Amy

Minutes recorded by Carol, even though it’s not in her job description

RAHM: Well, folks, I did it. I dropped the big bomb shell yesterday. I am not going to run for re-election. It’s time to move on.

TED: Is there another cop video about to come out?

RAHM: This has nothing to do with suppressing any controversial-

CAROL: Sure worked last time. If the Laquan McDonald video had come out before the election, well, I’d be calling you Chuy Emanuel.

RAHM: I think me wearing a sweater that one time for that one ad did the trick-

TED: Sure dodged a bullet there.

CAROL: Sixteen of them.

RAHM: Let’s get down to business. We have $8 million in our war chest for running for mayor.

TED: All raised without breaking a sweat. Rich white guys love you.

CAROL: It’s like you have big dick Republican energy.

TED: That’s an oxymoron.

CAROL: You are.

RAHM: We must decide what we are going to do with the money and I have to decide on what I am going to do next.

TED: There are strings attached to that 8 mil. You can donate it to other people running for office. Maybe give it to the candidate you want to replace you or throw it behind the Dems pick for president in 2020.

RAHM: What if I’m the Dem pick for 2020?

TED: Oh. Well. Then we just put it in the bank and collect interest until we’re ready to roll out negative Trump TV ads. Which is tricky, because we see them as negative, but his base applauds them.

CAROL: Are you really going to run?

RAHM: Just throwing it out there. What else can we do?

TED: We can give it to charity.

CAROL: I’m a charity. I make less than all of you.

TED: If you can get a not-for-profit license for your “charity”, we’ll talk. I can be your first lost cause, because I’m going to be out of a job at the end of this term. Unless you run for president, Rahm, then sign me up for that long trail of tears. Happy to help.

RAHM: I’ve been fielding offers since my announcement.

CAROL: Already?

(Rahm’s wife Amy enters.)

AMY: Hi, everyone. Rahm, honey, I got some more job offers for you.

RAHM: What do we have?

AMY: Betsy DeVos at the Department of Education is very impressed with how you have turned around the school system in Chicago.