Charlie Jokes

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house--there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have ...

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A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

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Every Saturday Leon played golf with his best friend Charlie.

It didn't matter if it was sunny, raining, or hailing they played golf like clockwork. When he got home his wife would ask how his day went, and he would say:

"It was wonderful, because I got to play golf."

After 30 years of this Charlie, unfortunately, died. The next Saturday Leon kep...

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"Have you heard the one about Charlie Brooker's sex club?"

"No. Wait, what? Charlie Brooker has a sex club?"

"Yeah man, **wild** orgies, *very* selected members".

"Oh my. All right, so what happened?"

"One of the women attended an orgy and gave everyone gonorrhea".

"Oh Jesus! That's awful! What did Charlie do?"

"...

Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year

Next to his HIV diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort in 2015?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

My dad was babysitting my two children, so I called him later to ask how it was going.

Me: "What did they have for dinner?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "What about Clark?"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "Ok ... So what time did they go to bed?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"<...

What did the millennial Charlie say after visiting the chocolate factory?

It was choco-lit

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Charlie marries a virgin.

On their wedding night, he’s on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

“Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table,” she says.

So Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, “Is this better?”

“Much better!”...

Charlie couldn't believe he was being allowed into the chocolate factory

His girlfriend had been dead against it for years

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Tried to buy a Charlie Brown LP on ebay and got a Davy Jones album instead.

You know what they say.

You pay Peanuts, you get Monkees.

Charlie Brown at the Model UN Club

Charlie Brown is down at the model UN club at his school where the students are each receiving their respective countries. One exclaims “I got America!” Another says “I got England.” Charlie Brown looks down at his country, and sighs, “I got Iraq.”

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There was a man named Charlie...

...who was such a die-hard optimist. No matter how hard the situation was, he would always say, "It could have been worse."

So to cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a story to trick him.

One day, his friends told him, "Charlie, did you hear what happened to R...

Charlie Kirk, Ayn Rand and Gary Johnson walk into a bar.

They all die of lead poisoning because there's no goverment to regulate how much lead the barman is allowed to put into his drinks.

What does Charlie Brown on Halloween and a U.S. Marine finding out where hes getting deployed in 2004 have in common?

They can both be heard dejectedly saying "I got a rock."

If you brag about listening to Charlie Puth,

You just want attention.

With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

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Bob & Charlie

Bob and Charlie are the only patients in ward D of a mental institution. Bob is hyperactive and delusional while Charlie is catatonic. Their nurse checks in on them three times a day.

At the beginning of her shift the nurse starts walking over to Bob's room and hears him making loud truck sou...

Why did Amber Heard and Charlie Sheen's secret lovechild take his father's name instead of his mother's?

Because children should be sheen and not heard.

Jason and Charlie go golfing

After a few holes Jason misses what should have been an easy putt. "God dammit, I missed!" said Jason. Charlie replies, "Woah there, you really shouldn't use the Lord's name in vain or God himself may strike down upon you". Jason assures Charlie it won't happen again and they continue to play. A few...

John: Charlie Has been sending romantic texts to his own sister since last 2 days.

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I once met a guy named Charlie who pulled chicks left and right...

I asked him "how do you have so many girls?" and he mentioned that they always come back to him.

"My secret, is before having sex, I'll whip out my dick and bang it against the fridge. That way it gets numb and I last longer making my woman feel good."

So that night I went home to my w...

What do you call a funny picture of Charlie Chaplin?

A panto-meme

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"Hey five-penis Charlie, how do your pants fit?"

"Like a glove"

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Charlie the mailman is about to retire...

After 35 years on his route, he sets out for his last day. A woman opens her door as he delivers her mail and asks "Is it true today's your last day Charlie?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Please, come in, I have something for you!" and she welcomes Charlie to a delightful breakfast.

<...

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Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

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Swearing for the first time

A 5 yr old was in his room with his 3 yr old brother. He says "Charlie, I think we should start swearing.. If everyone else can do it, so can we". So they go downstairs to breakfast, where their mother is waiting for them. She asks what they would like for breakfast. The 5 yr old says "Coco pops, bi...

How did Charlie Brown adaptively respond to snoopy's evemtual death?

Good grief.

What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Bad blood.

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

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What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?

Now we have no Pride, no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs & it's no fucking Wonder

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Did you hear about the woman who couldn't remember if she had sex with Charlie Sheen?

At first she wasn't sure, but now she's positive.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my uncle Charlie

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers on his bus

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles...

In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't.

The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight."

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Hark! Are those cannons I hear?

Charlie was an aspiring stage actor who was still waiting for his "big break." He rarely got called for an acting gig and was near the point of giving up on his dream. Finally, one day, his agent called and said "Charlie! I've got good news! I got you a gig! It's a small part, only one lin...

What does Charlie Sheen do when life gives him lemons?

He gives them lemon-aids

Little Charlie was walking down High Street with his mother...

...when they stopped outside a woman's clothing shop. Charlie's mother knew it would embarrass Charlie to go inside, so she told him to wait outside.

Before Charlie's mother had a chance to go inside, little Charlie saw a used condom lying on the pavement.

"What is that mummy!?" he a...

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What does Charlie Bucket call Willy Wonka?

His Sugar Daddy.

Charlie Brown, now a young adult, sits with an academic advisor before enrolling in college....

He tells her he wants to be a counselor, but isn't sure what direction to go.

She looks over his scores as says, "I think you'd make a good grief counselor."

Charlie came to work with two black eyes today.

"What happened to you"

"She hit me like she was a man. Twice."

"Who?"

"I was in church yesterday, with my sister and her boys. The old widow Mrs. Marshal was in front us. She was sitting in a folding chair with a cushion. When she stood for a hymn my nephews started giggling an...

What did Charlie Brown say when he was in a work conflict?

Good grievance!

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Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the ...

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Known around town

There once was a tired old gent who stumbled into his local tavern. The man takes a seat at the bar with his shoulders hanging low and a frown on his face.

"Mick, what is wrong with ya?" asks the bartender.

"Ay, I don' know Charlie..." the man takes a sip from the beer that is set befo...

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Little Charlie

I found this joke somewhere, reposting it here in hope you'll like it-------------------------------------------------------------

Little Charlie and his friend Jenny are only 10 years old, but they knowthey are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, soCha...

What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

Why Can't Charlie Sheen Finish the Alphabet?

Because when he gets to 'P' it burns.

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Charlie and Jason are at the zoo...

...And Jason decided he wanted to see the gorillas. Charlie decided he wants to see the naked mole rats, so they go their separate ways.

Jason walked up to the gorilla cage to see the gorilla staring at him. Jason laughed and waved at the animal jokingly. To his surprise, the gorilla waved ba...

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Charlie goes to hell

Charlie was very, very bad, and when he died he went to Hell, of course. He was SO bad that the Devil met him personally, shook his hand and said

"Charlie, just for you we are giving you a choice of not one not two but three - that's THREE - Hells to choose from! YOU get to pick where you'll ...

Have you heard of Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohans new sitcom?

It's called "two and a half grams"

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What does Charlie Sheen say when he's having sex with a Vietnamese Lady?

Nguyenning!

What does Hitler say when he gets a charlie horse?

*Mein Krampf!*

What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and Charlie Chaplin?

One rocks the mic, while the other mocks the reich.

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Heard a strong rumour that Clarkson and Charlie Sheen are teaming up on a new show.

It's called Second And a Half Gear, and is about test riding Hookers and drugs and punching the shit out of anyone that gets in their way...

What's the difference between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Charlie Sheen?