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Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1999 14:07:49 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1126
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=== 1126 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1126
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1999 14:07:49 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1126
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1121 71 votes 2binh 5gmk8 2crka 2ggqb 239ny 6jvd2 3jxf1 3irj4 8gpe8 9sic4
1121 3.2 mean 3.6 3.1 3.3 3.4 4.2 2.8 2.9 3.0 3.0 2.6
--- 1126-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O great and wise Oracle, Who has far too much class to patronize any
> eatery frequented by Vikings, please help this humble supplicant in his
> hour of need.
>
> As You know, my roommate is an annoying twit. He never misses any
> opportunity to make a Monty Python joke. He has every skit memorized.
> He chants "SPAM SPAM SPAM" at the slightest provocation. He disrupts
> history class in a most embarrassing fashion every time the professor
> mentions the Spanish Inquisition.
>
> But don't get me wrong. As You know, I like Monty Python just as much
> as the next undersexed geek. But this is too much. It's getting
> annoying. I think I'm going to kill him. What should I do?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You know, supplicant? I don't think your roommate's constant
} parroting of Monty Python skits is the whole story here. I think the
} real problem is that deep in your heart of hearts, you don't really
} want to be a student at all. No, you want to be a LUMBERJACK!
}
} So, here, take this axe. I just sharpened it the other day.
}
} Of course, you live in a heavily urbanized area, and there aren't
} any trees around for you to chop. You'll just have to make do, finding
} a suitable substitute. Something treelike. Tall, perhaps. A couple
} of branch-like appendages, perhaps. Think you can find anything like
} that in your room?
}
} You owe the Oracle a dead parrot.
--- 1126-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> The Oracle has no seagulls to sandblast.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, Zadoc has borrowed that volume of the Oracle Library's
} reverse-alphabetic encyclopaedia. The volumes "Zymurgy to
} Seahorse" and "Sandbar to Aachen" are still on the shelves.
}
} Being the all-knowing Oracle, I never need to consult them
} myself, of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel next time.
--- 1126-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Please Mr/Mrs Ocacle tell me why you have so many pointless french
> lessons in secondary school. Not many people will go to france at
> all so it seams unfair that there is so many french lessons.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Next time you go into a fancy restaurant and the waiter says something
} in French, you'll be happy you learned the language back then. However,
} if you haven't picked up on the language, here are a few phrases you
} may hear from your French waiter as well as some appropriate responses:
}
} Waiter: Etes-vous pret a placer votre monsieur de commande? (Are you
} ready to place your order sir?)
}
} You (smugly): Oui, vous smelly Francais. (Yes.)
}
} Waiter: Monsieur voudrait-il essayer le canard L'Orange? (Would sir
} like to try the Duck L'Orange?)
}
} You (still smug): Je voudrais bourrer un canard vers le haut de votre
} ane hybride insufferable. (I would, indeed.)
}
} Waiter: Vous inquieteriez-vous pour voir le vin enumerez-vous? (Would
} you care to see the wine list?)
}
} You (practically oozing smugness): Vous voulez dire votre swill
} francais aqueux? Avez-vous un Bud Lite? (I'll take a glass of the house
} wine.)
}
} Waiter: Votre commande arrivera sous peu. (Your order will arrive
} shortly.)
}
} You (visibily oozing something, presumably smugness, possibly pus): Lui
} mieux vous excuse odiforous pour un etre humain, ou moi sera sur votre
} ane comme a housefly sur l'excrement. (Thank you.)
}
} Your Oracle hopes this has helped. Be sure to leave a big tip.
}
} You owe the Oracle a free meal at Pierre's Burger Barn.
--- 1126-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why is this rain so *wet*?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You're a little confused. It's not that this rain is particularly
} wet. Since rain is essentially water, it would be impossible for it
} to get any more wet (with the possible exception of rain made of heavy
} water).
}
} No, the effects you're experiencing come from that fact that you're
} transforming into a sponge.
}
} There are five stages you will go through on your way to spongedom,
} and I'd like to take this opportunity to prepare you for them.
}
} Denial This is the stage you are currently in. You come up
} with silly reasons to explain your increasing
} ability to absorb wet matter (e.g., the rain must be
} particularly wet).
}
} Anger Your fury will cause you to lose control. You may
} suddenly find a puddle of wetness around your feet.
} To avoid embarrassment and the dangers associated
} with electrical arcing, consider wearing an adult
} incontinence product throughout this stage. You
} will lose your dry wit.
}
} Bargaining As a supplicant, you are well-prepared for this
} stage. You will methodically move down your list of
} divinities and try to coax each into relieving you
} of your fate. Most typical offers: cleaning Ares'
} sword to a mirrored shine, taking care of Bacchus'
} spills, giving Aphrodite a non-immersion bath.
}
} Depression You will mope/mop/sop around for hours on end. Your
} exterior cavities will well up with a salty wetness.
} Sentience slowly turns to sedation, personal hygene
} to external hygene.
}
} Acceptance Metaphorically, you will accept your fate and start
} enjoying the process of being a sponge (having lost
} most of your IQ, this was inevitable). On a more
} literal note, you will accept moisture without
} reticence.
}
} Stop wringing yourself over this turn of events. Stay focused on the
} life of bounty that awaits you. All will be swell; I promise.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cake made without shortening.
--- 1126-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What's it like???
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The position is ridiculous, the sound effects are revolting, and the
} smells produced are rather unsavoury. But at least you can watch the
} television from this position.
}
} You owe The Oracle a ceiling-mounted flatscreen TV.
--- 1126-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O most romantically creative Oracle, please tell me:
>
> Recently, two supermarket chains, Lucky and Albertson's, announced that
> they are "getting married." Now, what do supermarkets do on their
> wedding nights?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Top Ten Things Supermarkets do on their Wedding Nights
}
} 10) Clean up on aisle 69
} 09) Scan each other's bar codes by hand
} 08) Ask for a price check on the extra large salami
} 07) Squeeze the Charmin'
} 06) Make change really slowly in front of each other
} 05) Use neither paper nor plastic
} 04) Keep checking to see how ripe the melons are
} 03) Accept deliveries in the rear
} 02) Two words: French Dressing
}
} and the Number one thing Supermarkets do on their Wedding Nights;
}
} 01) Use up all those coupons to get Double Off
}
} You owe the Oracle a cart with a squeaky, wobbly wheel.
--- 1126-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> .... --- .--
> -- ..- -.-. ....
> .-- --- --- -..
> -.-. --- ..- .-.. -..
> .-
> .-- --- --- -.. -.-. .... ..- -.-. -.-
> -.-. .... ..- -.-. -.- --..--
> .. ..-.
> .-
> .-- --- --- -.. -.-. .... ..- -.-. -.-
> .-- --- ..- .-.. -..
> -.-. .... ..- -.-. -.-
> .-- --- --- -..
>
> [Priest note: I recommend the following site -
> http://www.soton.ac.uk/~scp93ch/refer/morseform.html]
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} --- .-. .-. .. . .-.. ..- ...- ... .-.. .. ... .-
}
} Top Ten Answers to the Forbidden Question in Morse Code
}
} --- .-. .-. .. . .-.. ..- ...- ... .-.. .. ... .-
}
} 10) --.. --- -
}
} 09) Damn W..dch..cks have gnawed their way into the T1!
}
} 08) You really ought look into a modem Mr. Morse, times
} they be a changing.
}
} 07) On Dasher, on Daughter ... no, wait that doesn't sound right.
}
} 06) This telegraph just in from Dodge City Marshall, seems.
} them reports of the rodent uprising were true after all.
}
} 05) And I thought questions in MIME looked dated...
}
} 04) Damn fools on the Titanic keep sending us this same
} silly message over and over again.
}
} 03) I think I've figure who's been chucking the Queen's telegraph
} poles around Dr. Watson.
}
} 02) At least it's not another question in botched perl.
}
} 01) You know Steve, I don't think this new ASCII bar graph
} representation of the votes is really going to catch on.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle .- -.. .- ... .... -... --- .- .-. -..
--- 1126-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Who can save you now, my deary?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} C-x C-w deary.txt
}
} You owe the Oracle a re-read of the manual.
--- 1126-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Does Rudolph the Red know reindeer?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Many things can be said of Rudolph the Red, Terror of the North Sea.
} Rudolph the Red knew pillaging, raping, and burning. Rudolph the
} Red knew to pillage and rape BEFORE he burned. Rudolph the Red
} knew crushing his enemies, driving them before him, and hearing
} the lamentations of their women. Rudolph the Red knew long boats.
} Rudolph the Red knew the tactics to use against a Roman legion,
} and the tactics to use against a large number of armed, confused,
} and poorly organized villagers.
}
} Rudolph the Red knew heavy fighting. Rudolph the Red knew the
} long-sword, the battle-axe, the spear, and even the large rock.
} Rudolph the Red did *not* know the bow and arrow, which led to that
} unfortunate incident with the Franks. Afterwards, Rudolph the Red
} knew how to compensate in battle for a lack of depth perception.
}
} Rudolph the Red knew chest wounds, head wounds, leg wounds, shoulder
} wounds, concussions, groin injuries, third degree burns, gangrene,
} pneumonia, head aches, back aches, pulled tendons, detached ligaments,
} broken ribs, dislocated shoulders, broken noses and blood. Boy, was
} he familiar with blood. You do know he was blond, right? Rudolph the
} Red did not know anesthetics.
}
} Rudolph the Red did *not* know personal hygiene.
}
} Rudolph the Red knew women. Rudolph the Red knew girls. Rudolph the
} Red knew boys. Rudolph the Red knew ale. And on one occaision, after
} a great deal of ale and on a particularly cold night, Rudolph the
} Red knew a goat.
}
} But Rudolph the Red did *not* know reindeer. They could smell him
} coming.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flagon of ale, a flank of burnt pig, and some
} industrial strength "Right Guard".
--- 1126-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O wise and most holy Oracle,
> Whose barbecuing ingneuity is so vast and splendid that the Big
> Bang could have sprung from the coals of your grille,
> Why is it that hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns
> come in packages of eight?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} This is another one of those problems in life which originally appear
} very strange in real life, but which are simple to understand if you
} produce a Bayesian Logic analysis of the situation.
}
} You see, instead of viewing the number of hot dogs in a pack as an
} exact number, we need to calculate the Expected Value of these hot dogs
} making their way into a bun. Several events can prevent this occuring,
} and therefore the value of the probability p(hot dog eaten) is not the
} same as the probability p(hot dog bought). This problem of the actual
} probability being different from the probability that the variable
} is observed, or bought in this case is common in Bayesian Logic.
}
} To cut a short story long, we must consider several other propositions
} which have logical dependencies with p(hot dog eaten), namely the
} events where the hot dog has gone off (OFF); where the hot dog burns
} on the barbeque (BURNS), and where the hot dog is dropped because the
} cook attempts to pick up a sizzling sausage in his or her bare fingers
} (DROPPED).
}
} We now create a table of probabilities representing all possible cases.
}
} P(EATEN,BURNS,DROPPED,OFF) =
} P(EATEN|BURNS,DROPPED,OFF).P(BURNS|DROPPED,OFF).P(DROPPED|OFF).P(OFF)
}
} Fortunately we can simplify this equation by taking advantage of
} several logical independecies between these variables.
}
} EATEN is marginally independent of BURNS, but conditionally dependent
} given DROPPED.
}
} BURNS is marginally dependent on OFF, but conditionally dependent
} given DROPPED.
}
} DROPPED and OFF are mutually exclusive propositions.
}
} This gives us the following equation:
}
} P(EATEN,BURNS,DROPPED,OFF) =
} P(EATEN|DROPPED,OFF).P(BURNS|OFF).P(DROPPED|OFF).P(OFF).
}
} Filling in our table with the following elicited probabilities:
}
} p(eaten|~dropped,~off) = 1.0
} p(eaten|dropped,~off) = 0.2
} p(eaten|~dropped,off) = 0.07
} p(eaten|dropped,off) = 0.001
}
} p(burns|off) = 0
} p(burns|~off) = 0.3
}
} p(dropped|off) = 0
} p(dropped|~off) = 0.3
}
} p(off) = 0.2
}
} We find the following result. The probability that the hot dog
} actually makes its way from the packet to the bun is about 0.58.
} Therefore, if we require 8 eaten hot dogs, we need 8/0.58 = 13.793
} hot dogs in the original pack.
}
} The reason, therefore, that hot dogs come in packs of ten while hot
} dog buns come in packs of eight is because the hot dog manufactures
} are a bunch of mathematical nincompoops who wouldn't know the Yoram
} Singer Sequential Update of Bayesian Networks Structure algorithm if
} it came up to them and punched them on the nose.
}
} You owe The Oracle some vegetarian hot dogs and buns. Equal numbers
} please, I *am* The Oracle.