Letters From My Friends

Sunday, March 28, 2004

February 23, 2004
Colin Powell
Secretary of State
U.S. Department of State
2201 C Street NW
Washington, DC 20520

Dear Secretary Powell,

I have a trivia question for you.

QUESTION: Who said, “I am angry that so many sons of powerful and well-placed...managed to wangle slots in Reserve and National Guard units. Of the many tragedies of Vietnam, this raw class discrimination strikes me as the most damaging to the ideal that all Americans are created equal and owe equal allegiance to the country...”?

ANWSER: It was you! Remember when you said that in your book in 1995?

You were just speaking in a theoretical sense, weren’t you? You weren’t talking about anybody in particular--like John Connally’s kid or Lloyd Bentsen’s kid, were you? The Liberal Media are trying to twist your words around so it sounds like you were talking about Our President. The nerve of some people! The records prove Our President went to the dentist when he was in the National Guard. Also, he got paid.

Anyway, what does that have to do with anything now? Our President proved he was a Strong and Forceful Leader when he invaded Iraq and took out Saddam, even though attacking Iraq to root out Al Qaeda is kind of like attacking Puerto Rico to get rid of Eskimos!

The point is he was Strong and Forceful. Which proves he’s not just some spoiled, son-of-a-president-rich-kid who always gets his Daddy’s powerful friends to bail him out when screws up. He had to save himself for bigger things! If he hadn’t used his family connections to bump himself up over the 500 people who were waiting to get into the “Champagne Unit,” he might have been killed in Vietnam and at this moment, we’d probably all be kneeling toward the East and praying to Allah, and our women would be wearing burkas, all because we lost our Strong and Forceful Leader while he was serving his country!

Sometimes you just have to look at the big picture!

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

February 13, 2004
Karl Rove
Advisor to the President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. Rove,

The election is over! We won! You’ll never guess what picture has turned up in the media--it’s a picture of Jane Fonda (“Hanoi Jane”) at an anti-Viet Nam war rally, and guess who’s sitting just three rows in back of her? That’s right--John Kerry! And it was only taken one year before she went to Hanoi and said all those bad things!

That seals it! This is the break we’ve been looking for! Now, whenever you say John Kerry’s name, you can say, “Kerry-Friend-of-Fonda is leading the President 52% to 47%.” Or you can say, “Today, retired Army General Wesley Clark endorsed Kerry-Friend-of-Fonda for President.” Or say, “Just because Kerry-Friend-of-Fonda received a Silver Star, Bronze Star, and three Purple Hearts doesn’t mean he’s qualified to be President.”

Here’s a joke you can use--spread it on the internet:

QUESTION: What’s the difference between John Kerry and Jane Fonda?

ANSWER: Only three rows!

That’ll show him! He’s in with the heavyweights now! You can ride the Kerry/Fonda connection all the way to November. And Kerry-Friend-of-Fonda can’t lay a glove on Our President for going AWOL anymore. It turns out Bush really did show up--he’s got the dental records to prove it!

The only thing I’m wondering--are you sure that picture was taken at an anti-war rally? It looks like it might be a Grateful Dead concert.

Four more years!
Carl Estrada

January 21, 2001
Karl Rove
Advisor to the President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500

Dear Karl “Boy Genius” Rove,

How’s the Paul O’Neill investigation going? Have you turned up anything on him yet?

Our President “43” wasn’t kidding when he said you’re a genius! Everything you touch turns to gold! Last week, I wrote you a letter about Operation Damage Control, and I had all these ideas for how you could stop the bleeding after “Pablo” betrayed you. But I see now, you were way ahead of me. You just told everybody to ride it out, keep their heads down, and ignore it. Sticks and stones! Then, on Monday we had the Iowa Caucuses and Tuesday we had the State of the Union Speech, and it worked! Everybody’s forgotten that “Pablo” said “43” had his mind made up about Iraq from Day One, and how “43” was disengaged, and how Cheney said it was “our due” to have a tax cut because we won the midterms. Everybody forgot! Water under the bridge! I’m in awe of your foresight! I guess that’s why you’re the advisor to the most powerful man on the planet and I run a grocery store.

Speaking of “43” being disengaged: Have you read that book where “Pablo” said all those bad things about “43?” Well, I’m reading it and I’ve got to tell you--there is a whole lot of talk about economic theory and after a while, I’m lost! I can understand why Our President’s eyes glazed over when “Pablo” was talking economic theory to him. If Paul O’Neill was talking economic theory to me, my eyes would glaze over too.

Who do you think the Democratic candidate will be? No offense, but I think you started attacking Dean too early. I know--you couldn’t resist. But you should have saved it til after he got nominated. You should have been talking about how worried you were about what a threat Dean was, and his great organization, and all those “Deaniacs.” But he was such an easy target, you just had to blow him away. If you just could have left Dean alone, you wouldn’t have to worry about a General, a handsome southernor, and a guy who looks like Lincoln! Oh well, even geniuses screw up sometimes.

How did the State of the Union speech go? I couldn’t watch it. I have an exotic affliction that I won’t go into, but certain things on the TV seem to set it off.

You won’t believe what the liberals are saying about you now! They’re saying that after the Supreme Court agreed to hear the case about Vice President Cheney’s secret energy meetings, you had dinner with Cheney. Then they say you went on a Louisiana duck hunting trip with him. Then they say--get this--they say there’s an appearance of a conflict of interest!

Can you believe the Environmental Industry?! There they go again, playing politics! Those guys at the Sierra Club are just jealous because you didn’t go duck hunting with them! Sour grapes.

By the way, how was the duck hunting? Is Cheney a good shot? Did you guys bag your limit? Did you sneak in a few extras? I guess if anybody could go over the limit, it would be you and Cheney. I mean, what’s the game warden going to do--arrest you for shooting too many ducks? If he did, you could say, “This is an outrage! I’m taking this all the way to the Supreme Court!” Ha ha--just kidding.

I hope you guys picked up all your beer cans. I don’t have anything against hunters--everybody’s got to eat--but I hate it when they leave their beer cans littering up the ground.

Anyway, I think you nipped it in the bud when you said, “I do not think my impartiality could be reasonably questioned.” End of story. I don’t know what those liberal enviros are thinking. Don’t they know they could take you on a hunting trip, a fishing trip, and to Disneyland, and you still wouldn’t make Cheney turn over those papers?!

Happy Martin Luther King Day! And what better way to celebrate it than by having Our President (“43”) give you a Recess Appointment to the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals! That man just won’t take no for an answer! And neither will you!

It doesn’t matter that the Senate Judiciary Committee blew you off two years ago, and then the Demos talked themselves blue in the face last year to keep you out. Our President gets what he wants, and you’re his man! By the time Congress votes to make you legitimate in 2005, there won’t be any Demos left in Congress, and you’ll be in! Then it’s straight to the Supreme Court!

Remember when Our President said, “I’m a uniter, not a divider”? He got that right, didn’t he? He’s done a better job of uniting the right wing of the Republican Party than anybody in history! And now you get to be his soldier! Now that Strom Thurmond is gone and Trent Lott has been sent to the corner with a dunce cap, we need a strong Mississippi man to fix “all these problems we’ve been having all these years.” (Remember when Trent Lott said that?) We need you to protect the free speech rights of cross-burners! We need you to stand up against interracial marriages! We need you to protect our God-given right to stop women from having abortions!

By the way, I know I’m a little late, but congratulations on being named Mississippi Man of the Year in 1963. Better late than never.

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

January 15, 2004
Karl Rove
Advisor to the President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500

Dear Mr. “Boy Genius” Rove,

Team Bush has got “The Vision Thing!” I can see why President Bush nicknamed you “Boy Genius.” I bet you were a genius even when you were a boy! You probably had your whole school registered Republican by the time you got out of kindergarten! The teachers too!

Some people have “The Vision Thing,” some people don’t. “41” (Bush Sr.) didn’t have it. “43” (George W.) does. But this Mars plan has that rare blend of vision and genius that has your name written all over it, Mr. Karl “Boy Genius” Rove! It takes VISION to mastermind a plan where “43” can kick off the election year by telling us we’re going to Mars--but we won’t have to pay a dime! Well--only a billion dollars while he’s president, and then another 499 billion after he leaves office!

With your VISION, you’ve devised a scheme where “43” gets to ride the rocketship straight to re-election, he gets to look “Kennedy-esque” for leading us into the Cosmos where no man has ever gone before, everybody loves him because he cut our taxes again and again, and he’s America’s Most Admired Man because he stood up to terrorism and bombed Afghanastan back to the Stone Age and bombed Iraq back to Afghanastan!

That was the VISION part. But here’s the GENIUS part: When “43” leaves the White House, there will be a few problems: We will have at least a $500 billon deficit and owe at least another $500 billion on the war, and the bills are going to come start coming in for the $499 billion balance we owe on the Mars trip. But your ace in the hole, Mr. Karl “Boy Genius” Rove, is you know that Hillary Clinton is going to be elected president in 2008! The beauty of the plan is stunning! “43” gets to walk away from the train wreck, the country will be $1499 billion in debt, and the Clintons will get stuck with the bill!

It’s so rare that geniuses get recognized in their own time. I just want to say--I get it. I’m in awe.

Sincerely,
Carl “Pen Pal” Estrada

January 11, 2004
Karl Rove
Advisor to the President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500

Dear Mr. Rove,

You won’t believe this coincidence!

I was going to write President Bush a letter alerting him that his former Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill betrayed him! I was going to warn him that “The Big O” said the President was like "a blind man in a room full of deaf people" at Cabinet Meetings. (“The Big O” is what Bush liked to call him.) I was going to tell him “The Big O” said Bush knew all along there were no WMD(s) and that he planned to invade Iraq way before 9-11. I was going to say that when “The Big O” told Cheney the country couldn’t afford a tax cut, Cheney said, "Reagan proved deficits don't matter. We won the midterms. This is our due.”

I’m not surprised Bush already knew about all this--he has lots of advisors to read him the headlines. But here’s the coincidence: After I finished warning the President, I was going to suggest he trot out Scott McLellan to make the following statement:

"We appreciate his service, but we are not in the business of doing book reviews. It appears that the world according to Mr. O'Neill is more about trying to justify his own opinion than looking at the reality of the results we are achieving on behalf of the American people."

Can you believe it?! I was going to give him that statement and that’s exactly what he said, word-for-word! I was especially proud of the “book reviews” part. That was a great touch, don’t you think? Oh well, I don’t care who gets the credit, just so the message gets out.

Phase II of Operation Damage Control should be the following: Trot out at least a dozen advisors to tell the public how “engaged” the President is. Remember when you sent out the armies to tell everybody Bush was “intelligent,” just not very “articulate?” Do that--only the code word this time should be: “ENGAGED.” Then, leak a bunch of news stories about how they’ve turned up some materials in Iraq that they think, maybe it might just be possible that there’s a chance that they could beWMD(s) from sometime post-WWII. You can clerify it a few months later and say that after extensive testing, they turned out to be a patch of turnips. It won’t matter--it’ll be on page A15 and by then everybody will have forgotten about it anyway. Then get a whole bunch of smiling poor people, preferrably minorities, out in front of the cameras to talk about all the things they bought with their $100 tax refund. And don’t stop hammering “The Big O” either. Has your research turned up anything on his past yet?

But why am I telling you this? You already know! Either I’m psychic, or maybe it’s just that great minds think alike.

The press are swarming like piranhas! Can’t they see you have documents to prove Our President got paid by the National Guard most of the time except for the five months when he didn’t?! That settles it. End of story.

But this is an election year, and you know the Liberal Media is going to pull out all the sleazy stops to try to dethrone Our President. Mr. McLellan, I’ll be blunt--I hope you’re up for this job. I think you’re too excitable. I remember Ari Fleischer (he was my Second Favorite White House Press Secretary of All Time). He was unflappable! He could just drone on & on like he was reading the phone book, and pretty soon it was like the whole press corps was on Valium. My Favorite Press Secretary of All Time is CJ Craig on The West Wing! She’s smart and feisty and always knows the right thing to say--she’s like a lion tamer, and she has those wild animals in the press corps eating out of her hand!

Your problem is you keep saying the same thing over and over: “We have the documents to prove...We have the documents to prove...” You’re like the guy who goes to Mexico and says, “Where’s the bathroom?” and when they say, “No comprendo, Senor,” he keeps saying it, only louder. “I said...WHERE’S THE BATHROOM???!!!...I said...we HAVE THE DOCUMENTS TO PROVE...!!!”

No offense, but it just isn’t working. I know you guys don’t like to admit Clinton did anything right, but I think it’s time you took a play out of the Clinton Playbook. No matter what people ask you about Our President going AWOL, or exaggerating the truth about WMD(s), or Cheney’s secret energy meetings, or the 500 gazillion dollar deficit, or the 9-11 investigation, or the CIA investigation, or the outing of the CIA spy investigation or anything else, just say what Clinton said. Remember? He said: “It’s time to get on with the work of the American people.”

Another Clinton play: This is worst case scenario, but if things get really bad, maybe the President could have an affair. I know, I know--it sounds strange, but it might just work. It would distract people from all those serious charges--the press would drop the AWOL issue like a rotten fish if they had a good juicy presidential affair to chase after. And look at Clinton! He not only survived his affair, but everybody loves him! If he could run, he’d win again! He’s like Elvis!

I just think that big problems require creative solutions. I know you’re still learning on the job, but that’s ok. Our President is learning on the job too. Just stop waving documents in the air and yelling at the press. I said, “Just STOP WAVING DOCUMENTS IN THE AIR AND YELLING AT THE PRESS!!!” It’s not working.

Now we’re getting somewhere! I knew all along that David Kay wouldn’t find any WMD(s). He just never seemed to have his heart in it. Hans Blix without the accent. And even though last week you thought the chances were “nil” that WMD(s) would turn up, now I’m glad you’re in charge of the search and you’re going into it with an “open mind.”

How can we give up when even our Vice President says, “The jury is still out...”? If the jury is out for my Vice President, the jury is out for me. He says it’s going to take a long time to “look in all the cubby holes.” Isn’t that the truth?! Have you ever lost your glasses? This morning, I couldn’t find my glasses anywhere! I looked high and I looked low. I looked in every nook, cranny, and cubby hole and they were nowhere to be found! Just when I was ready to give up, my wife told me I was wearing them. Boy, did I have egg on my face.

But isn’t that the way it always goes? The WMD(s) are probably in the most obvious place--you guys have probably stepped over them a hundred times. It’s human! We always miss the obvious!

But we don’t have the luxury of time because there’s an election coming up. You have to find something fast or Our President is going to look pretty silly. I think you’re on the right track. Forget looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction, WMD(s). See if you can find some Weapons of Mass Destruction Programs, WMDP(s). Or maybe you can uncover a Potential for Weapons of Mass Destruction Programs PWMDP(s). Or if that turns into a dead end, I bet you could turn up a Threat of a Potential for Weapons of Mass Destruction Programs, TPWMDP(s).

Anyway, welcome aboard! Just remember, there’s always a solution. You just have to think outside the box!

I was watching the State of the Union speech the other night, and I noticed something funny. Remember how you were sitting in back of Our President? Well, every time Our President lifted his right hand, I saw your right hand go up. When he raised his left hand, your left hand went up. When he’d point, I saw your fingers rub together. Then--and here’s the part I’m not sure of--but I thought I saw some strings going from your hands to different parts of his body. I could be wrong--my screen was a little fuzzy because I have an exotic affliction which causes me to throw things at the TV at odd times. The screen was pretty scuffed up and had some ketchup on it too, but I swear I thought I saw some strings.

Also, when Our President spoke, I’m sure I saw your lips move. And then the light bulb went on: “AH HA!” I said. This explains everything! First, it explains why your mouth is always tilted up to one side. It’s easier to throw your voice without your lips moving when your mouth is tilted up. I tried it. It works! The other thing it explains is why Our President slurs his s’s and why when he says “nuclear,” it comes out “noo-cu-ler.” Remember Senor Wences? He was my favorite ventriloquist ever! Remember when he said, “S’all right?” That guy cracked me up! Anyway, you could always see his lips move, and sometimes he slurred his words too. It can’t be helped! Magic is an illusion.

Anyway, I know “a magician never reveals his tricks,” but I used to have an uncle who always pulled quarters out of my ears and said, “A magician never reveals his tricks,” and he drove me crazy! So can you tell me if I’m on to something? If you don’t want to say it directly, next time you’re on Face the Nation, if the answer is “yes,” just give me a sign by leaning forward, clasping your hands on the table, and talking out of the side of your mouth. Then I’ll know.

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

January 14, 2004
Karl Rove
Advisor to the President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500

Dear Mr. Rove,

Operation Damage Control is working! You guys are so good! You’ve got Paul O’Neill running away faster than a Taliban leader at a tupperware party!

Step One was to get our President out in front of the situation. The main thing was to make sure he memorized his sentence and didn’t mispronounce too many words. Mission Accomplished!

Step Two was to turn Donald “Soundbite” Rumsfeld lose. He probably didn’t even need to be briefed. He just went out there and winged it and said O’Neill had a “total misunderstanding of the situation.” Boy--that guy’s good!

Step Three was to launch a Treasury investigation on “Pablo.” That’ll shut him up! (“Pablo” is what our President liked to call O’Neill before he called him “Big O.”) “Pablo” is already calling the press coverage a “red meat frenzy” and saying he regrets using such “vivid language.” Did you tell “Pablo” to say that? I know you gave him the line about Bush’s Iraq policy being a “continuation of the Clinton policy.” Rule Number 1: When cornered, blame Clinton!

Anyway, “Pablo” is acting like somebody offered him a one-way ticket to Guantanamo. Keep the pressure on! Keep denying the Iraq charges and saying “Clinton Clinton Clinton” and people will forget what “Pablo” said about the tax cuts and his “vivid language” about how our President was a “blind man in a room full of deaf people.”

Also, I think it’s time we got “Balloonfoot” to make a statement. (“Balloonfoot” is what our President likes to call Colin Powell.)

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

P.S. What’s your nickname?

January 14, 2004
Colin Powell
Secretary of State
U.S. Department of State
2201 C Street NW
Washington, DC 20520

Dear Secretary Powell,

I hear our President affectionately calls you “Balloonfoot.” Can you tell me how that name came about?

Saturday, January 03, 2004

The press just won’t leave you alone! Who leaked that memo?! Do you think it was Condi Rice? Ever since Chevron took her name off that oil tanker, I think she’s been acting a little erratic.

I’m sure you know which memo I mean--the one where you said it’s going to be a “long, hard slog” in Iraq. You told reporters that you looked up “slog” in the dictionary, and it said, “to hit or strike hard...to assail violently.” Maybe in your memo, you should have said, “Victory in Iraq is going to be a long, hard, violent assault.” That would have cleared up the confusion. But I guess that’s 20-20 hindsight.

It’s funny--I looked up “slog” in my dictionary and it said something different. It said, “1. to make (one’s way) with great effort; plod 2. to toil.” I guess you could have said, “Victory in Iraq is going to be a long, hard plod. We will have to toil with great effort,” but somehow, I think the liberal media still would’ve jumped all over you.

Have you tried a Thesaurus? They come in handy sometimes. Here are some words my Thesaurus suggested using instead of “slog:” “Plod, footslog, plodge, plunther, slop, stodge, toil, trash, trudge, drudge, grind, grub, muck, slave, toil.” Maybe you could have said, “Victory in Iraq is going to be a long, hard plunther.” Nobody would know what that meant anyway.

I don’t know why everybody keeps saying we’re in a “quagmire.” My dictionary defines it as a “wet, boggy ground." People who call it a "quagmire" have obviously never been to Iraq, which is a hot, dry desert. My Thesaurus says a quagmire is a “predicament, box, corner, dilemma, fix, hole, jam, pickle, plight, scrape.” Do you think we’re in one of those?

I’m sure you guys (and gals) need it. Have you noticed how expensive it’s getting to live these days? The economy is in the tank (damn democrats), and we’re a gazillion dollars in debt--If we don’t take good care of our lawmakers in these troubled times, they’ll all go back to their CEO jobs, and the only people who will run for government will be a bunch of losers who want socialized medicine and maternity leave and clean air and probably don’t even want to pay for our war! Then what kind of country will we have?! No, we need Senators who will protect their own interests, because only then will they protect ours!

I’m with you when you say the Senate should be paid “consistent with the work they do.” Amen! By that standard, you guys (and gals) are way underpaid! Just this week, you courageously passed a bill to stop SPAM on the internet. Give yourself a raise! Earlier this month, you heroically made our homes safe from telemarketers calling us at dinner. Give yourself another raise! You knew we had to make the world safe from terrorism RIGHT NOW! so you passed the Patriot Act without making everybody wait around while you read it. Give yourself a raise! And the best thing you did was to give Our President full authority to declare war anyhow, anywhere he wants, without being bogged down by a bunch of liberal nitpickers whining about if it’s legal or not, or what do the French think, or whether or not we can win. Give yourself a raise!

Another thing that’s good is you only got a modest 3% raise, so you’re up to $158,000 from 154,700. By contrast, our military got a whopping 4% raise. So if a soldier with a family of four is making $20,000 a year, he gets another 800 bucks right in his pocket! I know things are tight right now, but I’m glad we’re not skimping on priorities!

I just got back from the dentist (don’t worry--it was just a routine cleaning), and they gave me a form to sign. They called it the Health Information Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA). My hygienist was getting a little testy because she was waiting to clean my teeth but I insisted on reading the whole thing (I always read every word of what I sign--you never know what they might sneak in), and sure enough on page 2 in small print, under the heading: National Security, it said: “We may disclose to authorized federal officials health information required for lawful intelligence, counterintelligence, and other national security activities.” (Italics mine.)

Silly me! A few months ago when I unleashed Operation Full Disclosure, I mobilized people to submit their records on reading material, videos, and CD’s they had purchased, but it never occurred to me you would need our medical records, too. Rest assured that all good Americans with nothing to hide will be happy to give you their complete medical history, thus saving you countless hours of having to dig it up.

Please bare with me--it will take me time to rummage through all my medical files. But to get us started--today I had my quarterly teeth cleaning. I go three times a year because my gums collect an unusual amount of plaque. I have very few cavities--good teeth, bad foundation. The hygienist took x-rays and found no problems. She measured my gum pockets and they were all 2 mm’s (millimeters) in front, 3 & 4 mm’s as we got back toward the molars. That’s not bad--they’ve been as deep as 5 & 6 mm’s in the past. She said I was bleeding a little more than last time, and lectured me to use my Sonicare electric tooth brush more. My dentist, Dr. Lipman examined my teeth and reminisced about Lake Tahoe while my mouth was wide open.

That’s about all I can tell you off the top of my head. I’m happy to do whatever I can to help America fight its War on Terrorism so I’ll send all my medical records. I remember the last procedure I had was a colonoscopy. They took pictures--I’ll try to find them for you.

Did anybody tell you they changed the name of that oil tanker that was named after you? That’s right--Chevron renamed its ship, the Condoleezza Rice to the Altair Voyager! I wonder if you knew because they did this last May, and I just found out myself!

I wouldn’t take it personally. It’s all politics! Just because you were on the Chevron board of directors and Chevron had all kinds of human rights violations and the liberals think we started the Iraq war for its oil--that’s no reason to take your name off the ship! I wonder if Gale Norton had anything to do with this. She might be jealous because nobody ever named anything after her.

Don’t worry. I’m sure once you go back to the “private sector,” you can get another oil tanker named after you. Or maybe a fighter pilot.

I noticed you took Condoleezza Rice’s name off the oil tanker and renamed it, the Altair Voyager. I was sorry to hear that, but it’s perfectly understandable--politics! I guess the Bush Administration didn’t want people thinking that Condoleezza Rice had anything to do with all the human rights violations you’ve been accused of. Did Gale Norton have anything to do with this decision?

Do you think once she returns to the private sector, you’ll name another oil tanker after her? Who is Altair, anyway?

You will probably be hearing from the Ford Motor Company pretty soon. I just wrote to William Clay Ford, Jr. and gave him a fantastic idea: They’re going to build an SUV called The Ford Norton.

Are you and Condoleezza Rice speaking to each other? I’ve been worried there might be some hard feelings because she had an oil tanker named after her, and you haven’t gotten any credit for anything. Just so you can breathe easier (breathe easier--get it?), Chevron dropped Condoleezza Rice’s name from their ship, and they’re now calling it the Altair Voyager. (Do you know who Altair is?)

Anyway, won’t she be surprised when she learns that you’ve had an SUV named after you?! If I were you I wouldn’t gloat--just act real matter-of-fact about the whole thing. You could say something like, “Oh, doesn’t everybody have a vehicle named after them?’

The Ford Norton: For a Balanced Approach!
The Ford Norton: Built with Sound Science!
The Ford Norton: Great Gas Mileage AND Economical! (8mpg on the highway,
6 mpg in town.)

I have a great idea that I don’t think you can pass up. Are you ready?

***The Ford Norton SUV***

I got the idea when I heard that Chevron named an oil tanker after Condoleezza Rice (even though they changed it to the Altair Voyager). Anyway, if she could get an oil tanker named after her, I thought it would only be fair if Gale Norton got an SUV named after her.

You could have a great ad campaign! You could say, “The Ford Norton: For the Balanced Approach!” You could say, “The Ford Norton: Built with Sound Science!” You could say, “The Ford Norton: Great Gas Mileage AND Economical! (up to 8 mpg on the highway, 6 mpg in town.)”

The only thing I ask in payment for my ideas is that you send me a complimentary Ford Norton SUV when it comes out. Can I pick the color?

I’m reading between the lines here, but when you said in your letter that your policy is to not consider any suggestions from consumers, I’m guessing that this is what your lawyers told you to say so you wouldn’t get sued. Don’t worry--I meant it when I said you could use my idea for the Ford Norton SUV. It’s yours! Take it! You don’t even have to make a minor change like calling it the Gale Norton Ford SUV. Just take the idea and run with it! Our president said we all have to make sacrifices. Just consider this my contribution as an American.

Another thing you probably didn’t think of with the Ford Norton SUV is you can say, “And...the interior is pollution free!” Interior--get it?

Here’s another customer innovation for you: You know how GMC makes a Humvee (Hummer)? They’re way out ahead of you on this, but I know how you can catch up real quick. Make a tank that looks just like the Hummer only put on a hood ornament that looks like Donald Rumsfeld’s head, and call the car the Ford Humsfeld. The only thing I haven’t thought through is whether to spell Humsfeld with one “m” or two. I think one--what do you think?

Like I said, don’t worry about covering your you-know-whats with a bunch of legalese about how you don’t take suggestions from customers. If you didn’t, why would you have a Consumer Innovation Office? You can have my innovations on the house. All I ask in return is a complimentary model. My wife wants the Ford Norton in a tan. I think I want my Humsfeld in military green.

Just kidding. The real reason I’m writing you is to give you some good news after you’ve had a bad week. I’ve been in touch with the Ford Motor Company, and I think I’ve got them sold on my idea to name a car after you. It will look a lot like the Humvee (Hummer) and it will have a replica of your head for a hood ornament, and it will be called (get this):

THE FORD HUMSFELD!!!

The beauty of this idea is this will give you a perfect payback to Condi Rice. We all know how she swiped Iraq right out from under your nose and talked the president into letting her take charge of the Iraq Stablization Group (ISG). What most people don’t know is, with very little fanfare, Chevron renamed their oil tanker from the Condoleezza Rice to the Altair Voyager. Can you imagine the look on her face when she finds out you’ve had an SUV named after you and she can’t even keep her name on an oil tanker?! Also, I have it on good authority that there’s going to be a line of Ford Norton SUV’s coming out, based on my concept. I didn’t think you’d mind--you don’t have a beef with Gale Norton, do you? (She’s the Secretary of the Interior.)

Anyway, if you get squeezed out as Secretary of Defense, you will still have the legacy of the Ford Humsfeld. I can see you in the commercials--sticking your head out of the skylight, in full battle uniform, looking down the sights of an M16, American flags waving everywhere. Meanwhile, Condi Rice will be taking the blame for everything that’s going wrong in Iraq, and you’ll be a hero!

Just one question--do you think “Humsfeld” should be spelled with one “m” or two. I think one. Two “m’s” would look more like “Hummer,” but one “m” would look more like your name. (Rumsfeld.)

Ok, ok--I know your attorneys make you write letters turning down unsolicited ideas. It’s perfectly understandable--you have to do it! Otherwise, any idiot could send you some half-baked idea and then sue if you manufactured a product that resembled it.

But let’s face it--when you turned down my ideas for the Ford Norton SUV and the Ford Humsfeld, it just proved what everybody knows: Our corporate leaders have no vision! Look at Harry Potter--J.K. Rowling sent her first manuscript to hundreds of publishers and didn’t get a nibble! No vision! Now kids are reading Harry Potter til they get a headache!

The trouble with the Ford Norton and the Ford Humsfeld is you don’t have the luxury of time! What if, God forbid, our President gets voted out of office next year? Or what if there really is such a thing as global warming and the earth gets washed away by a tidal wave? Or what if we get stuck in a “long hard slog” in Iraq and people start thinking we’re in a “quagmire?” Then you can stack up all your Ford Nortons and Humsfelds in one big heap, and the whole pile won’t be worth the price of an Edsel! THINK BIG, Mr. or Mrs. or Ms. Popp! Strike while the iron is hot!

But I guess I have to admit that the Ford Norton SUV and the Ford Humsfeld do smack of crass commercialism. And I understand you might not want to take a chance on them if they’re only going to be a one-year phenomenon. But here’s an idea you absolutely cannot pass up:

THE FORD BUSHMOBILE!!!

It will look like the PopeMobile except the big bulletproof glass bubble will rest on top of a tank. It will roll on crawlers so it can navigate any terrain. On top of the bubble, put a 76 mm antitank gun on a turret so our president can shoot down the evildoers--he likes that kind of thing. On the front, have a big sign that says, “Bring ‘em on!” On the sides say, “You’re with us or you’re against us,” and on the back say, “We’re makin’ progress.” On the gun you can say, “Shock and Awe!” Do you think you should have hundreds of little American flags, a few giant ones, or a combination of both?

It’s your company’s patriotic duty to build this vehicle! Right now, when our president goes out, he gets whisked away in a sea of black limos with blacked out windows and lots of nervous, nondescript white guys in dark suits and sunglasses running all over the place. With the Ford BushMobile, we will finally get to see our president when he’s travelling to his Republican fundraisers! Think of all the millions of happy Catholics who have gotten to see the Pope as he rode the streets in safety! Don’t you think we American citizens have the right to see our President of the United States ride in style, too?

One more small thing--my wife and I always have a problem with trash in our car. There’s never a convenient place to hang the garbage bag. We always end up with trash on the floor and seats because we can’t find a place to put it. I suggest that the Ford BushMobile have a built in garbage storage unit within reach of the driver. That way our President won’t have gum wrappers and used napkins and empty Snapple bottles lying all over the place. If he likes it, you could make it a feature in all your cars.

Don’t worry about paying me or giving me a complimentary BushMobile or even giving me credit for the idea! This one’s on me! I’m just happy to do my part as a Patriot to support Ford Motor Company and support our President!

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Did anybody tell you they changed the name of that oil tanker that was named after you? That’s right--Chevron renamed its ship, the Condoleezza Rice to the Altair Voyager! I wonder if you knew because they did this last May, and I just found out myself!

I wouldn’t take it personally. It’s all politics! Just because you were on the Chevron board of directors and Chevron had all kinds of human rights violations and the liberals think we started the Iraq war for its oil--that’s no reason to take your name off the ship! I wonder if Gale Norton had anything to do with this. She might be jealous because nobody ever named anything after her.

Don’t worry. I’m sure once you go back to the “private sector,” you can get another oil tanker named after you. Or maybe a fighter pilot.

I noticed you took Condoleezza Rice’s name off the oil tanker and renamed it, the Altair Voyager. I was sorry to hear that, but it’s perfectly understandable--politics! I guess the Bush Administration didn’t want people thinking that Condoleezza Rice had anything to do with all the human rights violations you’ve been accused of. Did Gale Norton have anything to do with this decision?

Do you think once she returns to the private sector, you’ll name another oil tanker after her? Who is Altair, anyway?

You will probably be hearing from the Ford Motor Company pretty soon. I just wrote to William Clay Ford, Jr. and gave him a fantastic idea: They’re going to build an SUV called The Ford Norton.

Are you and Condoleezza Rice speaking to each other? I’ve been worried there might be some hard feelings because she had an oil tanker named after her, and you haven’t gotten any credit for anything. Just so you can breathe easier (breathe easier--get it?), Chevron dropped Condoleezza Rice’s name from their ship, and they’re now calling it the Altair Voyager. (Do you know who Altair is?)

Anyway, won’t she be surprised when she learns that you’ve had an SUV named after you?! If I were you I wouldn’t gloat--just act real matter-of-fact about the whole thing. You could say something like, “Oh, doesn’t everybody have a vehicle named after them?’

The Ford Norton: For a Balanced Approach!
The Ford Norton: Built with Sound Science!
The Ford Norton: Great Gas Mileage AND Economical! (8mpg on the highway,
6 mpg in town.)

I have a great idea that I don’t think you can pass up. Are you ready?

***The Ford Norton SUV***

I got the idea when I heard that Chevron named an oil tanker after Condoleezza Rice (even though they changed it to the Altair Voyager). Anyway, if she could get an oil tanker named after her, I thought it would only be fair if Gale Norton got an SUV named after her.

You could have a great ad campaign! You could say, “The Ford Norton: For the Balanced Approach!” You could say, “The Ford Norton: Built with Sound Science!” You could say, “The Ford Norton: Great Gas Mileage AND Economical! (up to 8 mpg on the highway, 6 mpg in town.)”

The only thing I ask in payment for my ideas is that you send me a complimentary Ford Norton SUV when it comes out. Can I pick the color?

I’m reading between the lines here, but when you said in your letter that your policy is to not consider any suggestions from consumers, I’m guessing that this is what your lawyers told you to say so you wouldn’t get sued. Don’t worry--I meant it when I said you could use my idea for the Ford Norton SUV. It’s yours! Take it! You don’t even have to make a minor change like calling it the Gale Norton Ford SUV. Just take the idea and run with it! Our president said we all have to make sacrifices. Just consider this my contribution as an American.

Another thing you probably didn’t think of with the Ford Norton SUV is you can say, “And...the interior is pollution free!” Interior--get it?

Here’s another customer innovation for you: You know how GMC makes a Humvee (Hummer)? They’re way out ahead of you on this, but I know how you can catch up real quick. Make a tank that looks just like the Hummer only put on a hood ornament that looks like Donald Rumsfeld’s head, and call the car the Ford Humsfeld. The only thing I haven’t thought through is whether to spell Humsfeld with one “m” or two. I think one--what do you think?

Like I said, don’t worry about covering your you-know-whats with a bunch of legalese about how you don’t take suggestions from customers. If you didn’t, why would you have a Consumer Innovation Office? You can have my innovations on the house. All I ask in return is a complimentary model. My wife wants the Ford Norton in a tan. I think I want my Humsfeld in military green.

Just kidding. The real reason I’m writing you is to give you some good news after you’ve had a bad week. I’ve been in touch with the Ford Motor Company, and I think I’ve got them sold on my idea to name a car after you. It will look a lot like the Humvee (Hummer) and it will have a replica of your head for a hood ornament, and it will be called (get this):

THE FORD HUMSFELD!!!

The beauty of this idea is this will give you a perfect payback to Condi Rice. We all know how she swiped Iraq right out from under your nose and talked the president into letting her take charge of the Iraq Stablization Group (ISG). What most people don’t know is, with very little fanfare, Chevron renamed their oil tanker from the Condoleezza Rice to the Altair Voyager. Can you imagine the look on her face when she finds out you’ve had an SUV named after you and she can’t even keep her name on an oil tanker?! Also, I have it on good authority that there’s going to be a line of Ford Norton SUV’s coming out, based on my concept. I didn’t think you’d mind--you don’t have a beef with Gale Norton, do you? (She’s the Secretary of the Interior.)

Anyway, if you get squeezed out as Secretary of Defense, you will still have the legacy of the Ford Humsfeld. I can see you in the commercials--sticking your head out of the skylight, in full battle uniform, looking down the sights of an M16, American flags waving everywhere. Meanwhile, Condi Rice will be taking the blame for everything that’s going wrong in Iraq, and you’ll be a hero!

Just one question--do you think “Humsfeld” should be spelled with one “m” or two. I think one. Two “m’s” would look more like “Hummer,” but one “m” would look more like your name. (Rumsfeld.)

I noticed you took Condoleezza Rice’s name off the oil tanker and renamed it, the Altair Voyager. I was sorry to hear that, but it’s perfectly understandable--politics! I guess the Bush Administration didn’t want people thinking that Condoleezza Rice had anything to do with all the human rights violations you’ve been accused of. Did Gale Norton have anything to do with this decision?

Do you think once she returns to the private sector, you’ll name another oil tanker after her? Who is Altair, anyway?

September 22, 2003
Colin Powell
Secretary of State
U.S. Department of State
2201 C Street NW
Washington, DC 20520

Dear Secretary Powell,

Did you hear Wesley Clark is running for president? That should have been you!

I have a theory: I think the neocons set you up! They trotted you out in front of the United Nations and made you exaggerate the truth so you’d ruin your reputation and not be able to run for president.

I think you should say, “Not so fast!” Just tell everybody you were being a good soldier but you didn’t really believe what you were saying (maybe you could say Rumsfeld put something in your coffee). Americans are forgiving and besides, they have really short memories. And, they just love a man in uniform, as you can see by the way they’re jumping up and down about Wesley Clark. The writing is on the wall--There’s no way Bush can beat Clark. The only person who can stop him is you! Pull rank on him!

Can you imagine the debate? You could go one on one against Clark and you could both be wearing your general’s uniforms with all your medals and
ribbons--it would be like a heavyweight boxing championship! The Thrilla in Manilla! The Rumble in the Jungle! You could even have Don King promote it and have it at Madison Square Garden! Do closed circuit tv and pay per view! You can call it:

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Welcome aboard! Maybe I’m getting ahead a little bit--I know you still have to be confirmed by the Senate, but that’s no big deal. It’ll be a tie vote, Cheney will break the tie, and you’re in!

What’s the first thing you’ll do as head of the EPA? I think you should take care of your own backyard. Right in your own state of Utah, you’ve got the Environmental Industry that’s trying to deny American its God-given right to oil which we need to feed our SUV’s so we can drive anywhere in the canyons we want. Here’s what you do: Tell the granolas they have to prove it’s Wilderness if they want to protect it for their own selfish uses, and how can they call it Wilderness when you’ve got all those SUV’s and dune buggies driving all over it? That’ll shut ‘em up!

Where do you stand on Global Warming? I think you’d better go along with the President on that one. You saw what happened to Christie Whitman. Don’t say anything about the heat wave in Europe. In fact, probably best not to mention Europe at all right now--it’s kind of a touchy subject. If anybody asks you about Global Warming, just say, “Needs more study.” If they press you on it, tell them you’re doing a 7-year study to see how humans can adapt, if it turns out there is such a thing as Global Warming. Tell them the study is based on “sound science.” Just keep saying: Needs more study, adapt if necessary, sound science. I know it sounds screwy, but trust me--it works!

The other word to always remember is: “Balance.” “Balance” should be sandwiched between “but” and “economy.” Example: “I am totally committed to a pristine environment in which every American can breathe fresh air, drink clean water, and enjoy the beauty of nature, but we need to balance that with what’s good for the economy.

I think that about covers it. I know you will do a great job of protecting our environment...but, (you’ve got it) you’ll also balance it with what’s good for the economy.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Whoa--dude! I’m all over Operation Full Disclosure! This is the best thing that’s happened since the Patriot Act! Was this your idea?

I want to do everything I can do to help cause I’m a real American. When 9-11 happened, I was so bummed out I went out the next day and got an American flag tattooed right over my heart. The day we invaded Afghanistan, I got another one that wraps around my head and looks like a bandanna. The day after we invaded Iraq, I had my surfboard painted like an American flag. I got a question: If I wipe out my board and it shatters into smithereens, will I get in trouble? Is that flag desecration? That’d be a bummer, dude.

I’ll give you as good of a list as I can. I don’t have any books cause I don’t like, read--except for stuff like surf magazines and mainly I just look at the pictures. I’ve got an awesome collection though--they’re all in boxes in my girl friend’s attic. Let me know if you want a list and I’ll dig ‘em up. I got so many CD’s I don’t know where to start, but it’s just the usual stuff--Zeppelin, Halen, stuff like that. Here’s all the movies I’ve rented this year that I can remember:

Operation Full Disclosure? Heavens! What will you people think of next? I would have thought you had gotten this sort of thing out of your system with that dreadful Joe McCarthy, but evidently not.

My dear man, you leave me no choice but to submit to your psychic strip search, but be informed that I do not acquiesce freely. Sir, you are desecrating the freedoms you claim to be protecting.

Now then...I cannot provide you a list of videos I have rented because I do not own a television. I cannot give you a list of web sites I have visited because I do not own a computer. I will give you a list of books I have purchased this year in hopes it will satisfy your voracious curiosity:

1. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
2. Benjamin Franklin by Walter Isaacson
3. Living History by Hillary Rodham Clinton
4. Leap of Faith: Memoirs of an Unexpected Life by Queen Noor
5. Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China by Jung Chang
6. Shrub by Molly Ivins
7. The Professor and the Madman by Simon Winchester
8. Dreaming War: Blood for Oil and the Cheney-Bush Junta by Gore Vidal
9. The Best Democracy Money Can Buyby Greg Palast
10. The Betrayal of America: How the Supreme Court Undermined the Constitution and Chose Our President by Vincent Bugliosi

I’m sorry I’m so late in giving you my list for Operation Full Disclosure. I’ve bin trying to get my kids out of foster homes and I had to kick my boyfriend out and get a job before they’d give them back. But he’s gone now and theres a restraining order on him. And now I got a job at Wendy’s and they sed if I work there for two weeks and don’t see my boyfriend, theyll give me my kids back.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

July 15, 2003
Memo From Carl Estrada
re: Operation Full Disclosure

Dear Friends,

I write to you as an American and a Patriot, asking that you help our country in it’s time of need. Our Attorney General, John Ashcroft has his hands full--there are just too many of us! He can’t spy on everybody! This leaves us vulnerable to terrorism because he can only spread himself so thin.

You can help! Send Attorney General Ashcroft lists of all the books you have read, movies you have rented, and CD’s you have bought. That way he won’t have to spend the time and your money spying on you! He can use his resources to track down the real criminals! Also, by process of elimination he will know to spy on the people who haven’t volunteered the information, because they’re obviously the ones with something to hide.

So be a real American and pitch in! Tell Attorney General Ashcroft that you have nothing to hide. Flood his office with lists of books, videos, and CD’s so he will know you’re behind him all the way! Help America now with Operation Full Disclosure!

Will you please tell me what all the fuss is about? Everybody is running around like Henny Penny just because of silly little Patriot II. Don�t they know that to have a democracy, we all have to make sacrifices? If the Attorney General of the United States wants to check the libraries and book stores and internet to see what everybody has read, small price to pay for a free country!

And what do they have to hide anyway? Remember when you asked all those Muslims to �volunteer� to be interviewed? I think we should all volunteer to tell you what books we have read this year. I�m going to ask all my friends to freely submit their lists to your office. And just to show I�m serious, I�ll go first. Here are the books I have read so far this year:

1. The Hardy Boys, The House on the Cliff by Franklin W. Dixon
2. The Essential Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson
3. Sandy Koufax by Jane Leavy
4. *Dr. Tatania�s Sex Advice to All Creation by Olivia Judson
5. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer�s Stone (Book 1) by J.K. Rowling
6. Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss
7. Dr. Atkins� New Carbohydrate Gram Counter-by Robert C. Atkins
8. **Work Under Capitalism by Chris and Charles Tilly
9. **The Paradox of American Democracy by John B. Judis
10. ***Earth in Balance by Al Gore

*Not what you think. It�s about the sex lives of insects, etc. There is some stuff about evolution though--I hope I don�t get in trouble there.

**Given to me and signed by Ralph Nader. I have to admit, I haven�t finished them. They�re pretty heavy reading. (Don�t tell him, though--it might hurt his feelings--I fibbed a little and told him they were real �page-turners.�)

***I hope I won�t get in trouble for this one. I did learn a lot, even if it was written by you-know-who.

I think you should go a step further. You should ask people to volunteer what TV shows and movies they�ve watched, what CD�s they�ve bought, what web sites they�ve visited, and what radio shows they�ve listened to. They might as well tell you because you�re going to find out anyway. If everybody volunteers, it�ll save a whole lot of time and taxpayer money! It�s the patriotic thing to do! Call it Operation Full Disclosure. Just say they word and I�ll send you my list and ask all my friends to do it too.

Operation Full Disclosure is going strong! I’m really encouraged at how many loyal Americans want to pitch in and do their part! If millions of us volunteer to share with you what we are reading and watching, just think of how much time and money that will save you. Then, by process of elimination, you can spy on the people who haven’t volunteered the information, because doesn’t it seem suspicious that they wouldn’t want you to know? What have they got to hide?

*It’s not what you think. It’s an HBO show.
**I’m not sure if it was Rocky III or IV. It was the one where he beat up the Russian.
***I thought it was about the Dallas Cowboys. I turned it off as soon as I found out what it was about.
****This one I thought was about Watergate. I turned it off right away.

Operation Full Disclosure is well under way! You will be happy to know that all my friends are going to send you lists of the books they’ve read, CD’s they’ve listened to, radio shows they’ve listened to, and internet sites they’ve visited. This should save you and your staff hours and hours of surveillance time that you can use going after the real criminals!

I’m sorry it’s taking so long and I have to send you my records piecemeal, but it’s a lot of information to sort through. Yesterday I sent you the books I have read. Today I am sending you the CD’s I have bought this year. You can see my musical tastes cover quite a broad spectrum. I don’t think there’s anything that can get me in any trouble here, except maybe the Dixie Chicks--but lots of people listen to them, and you’ve got to admit, they’re pretty good!

Welcome on board! Ari Fleisher got out just in time, didn’t he? Do you think he knew President Bush would get caught “exaggerating the truth” and that’s why he decided to leave?

I’m afraid with the Demos and the press smelling blood, your “honeymoon period” is going to be short. But if anyone is up to the job, it’s you! I’ve been watching Ari Fleischer for a long time and I’m a bit of an “afficionado.” Since you’re brand new on the job, I thought I’d give you a sample of how to field the “tough questions”:

Wolf Blitzer: Mr. McLellan, how does the president answer the critics who say he exaggerated the truth?

McClellan (you): Wolf, the president is very clear when he unequivocally means to words in no uncertain terms stands behind the veracity of his statement Saddam Hussein brutal dictator we will not tolerate terror Saddam Hussein 9/11 protect the world from evil 9/11 Saddam Hussein.

Britt Hume: Mr. McLellan, how did the president allow those 16 words to get into his speech?

McClellan (you): That’s a good question, Britt. You have to look at the context in which the State of the Union weapons of mass destruction will be found Saddam Hussein this was one isolated piece of the entire intelligence puzzle when you look at its entirety it is clear that Saddam Hussein was a brutal dictator who had to be Saddam Hussein stopped because he was 9/11 a menace to the entire world.

If you use these answers, you’ll do fine! By the way, my favorite White House Press Secretary of all time is CJ Craig on The West Wing. Who’s yours?

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

The political humor and political satire on this site is written by Paul Chasman. To sign up for the email list, view archives, and see the latest installments, check back regularly to our home page.