When last we left PBS bloat bag, Peter King, he was campaigning to be Roger Goodell’s personal food taster at the Super Bowl. “Careful, Rog, this coffee doesn’t have enough nutmeg!” PK hailed Ryan Tannehill for having gritty white guy outrage following a loss while castigating Cam Newton for his me-first ethnic sulking when his team was handed a defeat. Peter also listed his top five hotels to dry hump Boomer Esiason in peace.

But what about this week? Could it be said that Allagash is, in fact, TOO GOOD?! Even loftier than Pittsburghish moonshine flavors beloved by Hill People? Is it a thing that Larry Fitzgerald will eat more than once? READ ON.

You know who blows up balloons!? Clowns, because the Bills are clownfrauds filled with fraud helium!

but there is one story that stands above them all. The story is the game of the year.

Halftime score in Indianapolis: Packers 21, Colts 3.

Final score in Indianapolis: Chuck Pagano 30, Packers 27.

There’s not a lot that Peter King does to surprise readers. He’s almost always shitty in ways anyone who follows him can predict. It might be the only thing I appreciate about him. But every once in a while he’s let loose something so atrocious and hacky, it catches you off guard. And so it is by attributing 30 points to bedridden Chuck Pagano to celebrate in the most hackneyed way possible that most cliche thing in sports: the ol’ win-one-for-the-Gipper game.

Arians has moved 14 times in his coaching career. Pagano 11. “When you move as many times as we have, you gain brothers everywhere you coach,” Arians said. “That’s how I felt about Chuck when we were together three years in Cleveland. Everyone liked Chuck. He’s a man’s man. Every time I’d see him when I was in Pittsburgh and he was in Baltimore, we’d hug, ask about our families. I’d always say, ‘Hi, Cuz.’ That’s what I called him. So easy to talk to.

NFL coaches are the best of middle school wigger buddies.

Rookie quarterback Andrew Luck was handed a short field after a Jerraud Powers interception on the first series of the second half. He hit rookie tight end Dwayne Allen for an eight-yard score to make it 21-10. “Coming back out of halftime,” said Luck, “we said, ‘There’s no 18-point touchdown.’ Let’s just play our football.”

Point awareness only seen in architect quarterbacks. There’s no 18-point touchdown, but there is a 30-point award for a coach that has cancer, apparently.

Back downfield, Luck sprawled to the turf. What an effort. “No words to describe this kid,” said Arians. “One tough hombre. How’d he get out of that blitz to make that throw? You give me any quarterback in this league right now — I don’t care who — and I wouldn’t trade this kid for any one of ‘em.”

“I just thought, ‘If there’s a God in heaven, I pray he misses this,” said Arians.

Crosby seemed like he got a good kick on it. But something insane happened a millisecond later, inside a retractable-roof stadium with the dome closed this day. The ball veered left so fast and so far about 20 yards into the kick … it was like an immense gust of wind showed up just then and pushed the kick impossibly left. Yet there was no wind — the ball just shot to the left for some very odd, somebody-up-there-likes-Chuck reason, a shankapotamus if there ever were one.

As if attributing 30 points to a coach who was in the hospital were not treacly and impossibly hacky enough, Peter King actually implies that God intervened for the Colts on the missed field goal attempt by Mason Crosby.

Anyway, we all know there is no God because Peter King is allowed to do this to us each week and be handsomely compensated for it.

Drew Brees did it again. First, two historic preambles: Devery Henderson caught the pass Brees threw to break John Unitas’ 52-year-old record for consecutive games with a touchdown pass. Henderson wears No. 19. Unitas wore 19.

Johnny Unitas was also a black wide receiver. Little known fact. XEROX OF FATE!

Welker slams Belichick … or did he?

MAYBE

Really: You be the judge.

“Really: Do my job for me.”

Watch this clip on Comcast SportsNet New England and see Wes Welker, prodded by host Mike Felger, answer how it felt catching 13 balls Sunday against Denver, versus the three he caught when it looked like the Patriots and coach Bill Belichick were featuring others in Week 1. “It’s kind of nice to stick it in Bill’s face every once in a while,” Welker said. “So this is definitely a good one.” You see Welker wink at the camera slightly.

I’m inclined to think he definitely has some hurt feelings over how he was used in Week 1 (five targets, three catches, 14 yards) and as one Patriot press box wag suggested: “The truth is often spoken in jest. Not sure Belichick will find it as funny.”

FUCK EVERYTHING. HE’S JOKING. IF BELICHICK DIDN’T WANT WELKER TO GET ANY TARGETS, YOU ACTUALLY THINK HE COULDN’T STOP HIM!? IT’S A PLAYER MAKING LIGHT OF A RETARDED NARRATIVE THAT WILL LINGER LIKE A STALE FART ALL SEASON EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ONE GAME WHERE WELKER WASN’T TARGETED AS MUCH AS USUAL. NOT EVEN TOTALLY IGNORED. JUST GIVEN LESS ATTENTION THAN HE NORMALLY WOULD. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Before the season, Tony Gonzalez said there was a 95 percent chance this would be his last year. I asked him if he was likely to change his mind because he’s playing so well. “No, no, no,” he said. “Not at all. I’m sticking by what I said.” But he did say I should ask him after the season if he still felt that way. Hmmm.

Before the season, he left open a small window of doubt. Now he’s telling you the same exact thing. Hmmmmmm. INTERESTING.

The Bears are not a big surprise, particularly when you consider they have the most opportunistic defense in football — as many touchdowns on interception returns (five) as their backs have rushing touchdowns. Wait until Jay Cutler gets hot.

/waits forever only for Cutty to be the same, shitty, erratic quarterback he’s always been

Robert Griffin III didn’t know what the score was when he got kayoed Sunday. Atlanta linebacker Sean Weatherspoon plowed over RGIII in the second half at Washington, and it looked like Griffin might have blacked out for a few moments.

If only EvoShield didn’t limit themselves to vests! It’s clear EvoShield must manufacture helmets as well. And then we buy up their stock!

The Danny Amendola story made Kevin Demoff faint. You probably heard the story that Rams Chief Operating Officer Kevin Demoff fainted during a staff meeting Friday. He was hospitalized and found to be in fine health. A fluky thing. Demoff said Sunday night he actually fainted because he became ill when hearing the lurid details of how the team planned to operate on a dangerous clavicle injury suffered by wideout Danny Amendola.

As Jay Glazer reported on FOX Sunday, when the clavicle was dislocated, it popped inward instead of outward, endangering his heart. Demoff told me the last thing he remembers is the stark detail about how the clavicle could have punctured the aorta and how the surgeon was going to do the risky operation. “I’m just not someone to tolerate Pulp Fiction,” he said.

Left unreported: Cortland Finnegan kicked him when he was on the ground.

The owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars, Shahid Khan, flies to London this week to begin the serious business of promoting his team to a British audience. This is not just a lark, his plan to play one home game per season in London for four consecutive seasons, beginning in 2013.

This is not a lark. This is a serious horrible idea.

Khan is determined that the Jaguars become England’s NFL team, and perhaps Europe’s, over the next few years, and he sees it as part of the plan of the Jaguars’ long-term future in Jacksonville.

“This past game,” Khan told me Friday, “I met half a dozen fans who came from England to Jacksonville for our game, just because of the announcement that we’ll be playing there for the next four years. I’m hoping that we establish ourselves as the NFL team people follow in London. We view it as a way to grow our fan base.”

A dozen people? I’d make fun of that, but it’s already bigger than the Jags fan base in Jacksonville.

Khan is so bullish on the prospect of the team’s reach into Europe that he told me it’s “highly likely” Jacksonville may eventually play two home games a year in Europe. Now, if you’re a Jaguars fan, before getting apoplectic over the prospect of losing a second home game per season, understand that this is all about fanbase-building, revenue generation and, eventually, free agent and guaranteed-money competition with the league’s haves.

If you’re a Jaguars fan who hasn’t already reconciled with yourself the fact that the team is definitely leaving Jacksonville, you’re making a sad reality even more painful than necessary.

The Jacksonville dalliance with London is totally different, obviously; fans in Buffalo can drive two hours to see a game in Toronto; fans in north Florida can’t do that to see the team in London. Khan’s outside-the-box thinking is a double-edged sword. But I’m not sure the Jags are in Jacksonville in 15 years with conventional thinking.

15 years? I’d be shocked if they were there in five, no matter what half-baked stunts to court international fans that Khan has in store.

The Fine Fifteen

2. San Francisco (4-1). Last two weeks: Niners 79, Foes 3. I thought seriously of putting them No. 1.

“If only they had a cancer coach to score points for them, they’d be complete!”

4. Chicago (4-1). Zooming up the Fine Fifteen, thanks to the three-game win streak with an average margin of victory of 24 points.

Nothing merits a meteoric rise in arbitrary bullshit power rankings written by a fucking idiot like a win over the Jaguars.

7. New England (3-2). Remember when Wes Welker was being phased out? Last three games: 30 catches, 375 yards.

Also helps that Aaron Hernandez has been hurt, but whatever. NARRATIVEVILLE!

9. Pittsburgh (2-2). “By any means necessary! By any means necessary!” Mike Tomlin shouted to his players as they hugged their way to the locker room after the win over Philadelphia. The means was a little bit of everything.

Roger Goodell for fine Mike Tomlin $500,000 for being a member of the Black Panthers.

10. San Diego (3-2). Wacky, weird finish, obviously, with Jared Gaither’s ankle-related ineptitude killing the Chargers on the last series. But this result really was expected, if you ask me. Much bigger game next Monday: Peyton and the Broncos at San Diego.

Two equally flawed teams fighting over a division title no one wants! Jon Gruden calling Peyton The Sheriff every snap!

11. Philadelphia (3-2). When or if you figure out this team, please let me know.

Whenever someone else feels like stepping up and creating their own version of MMQB, except with knowledge, insight, conviction, reporting and clear writing, Peter King will be glad to give it a look over, unless he wouldn’t.

15. Seattle (3-2). Bruce Irvin’s on pace for a 14.5-sack season. His speed is impossible to handle for almost any tackle in the NFL. What a smart pick — assuming Irvin can stay on the field.

Bruce Irvin has been a beast for the first five games. Readily apparent to anyone who has watched even one Seahawks games. And Peter King is still so indecisive that he has to qualify that Irvin must stay healthy for him to be thought of as a sound draft choice.

The Awards Section

Andrew Luck, QB, Indianapolis. His poise in the pocket, his ability to make plays under pressure, was that of a Brees or a Brady. The Colts have gotten very lucky with this Luck guy.

The PK flip-flopping on Andrew Luck would be entertaining if it weren’t giving me an aneurysm. Recall that PK said it would be absolutely insane not to just hand Luck the offensive player of the year award before the season started, then proceeded to shit on Luck after he put in a subpar performance in Week 1 against the Bears. He told Colts fans they should wish Peyton were still around. Now Luck is getting lauded for poise, the catch-all compliment for rookies who happen to be winning when a sportswriter can’t think of something more substantive to say.

Coach of the Week

Jeff Fisher, St. Louis.

The culture that Jeff Fisher brought to the defense was simple: hit hard and cover like a glove, and Cortland Finnegan and Janoris Jenkins have transformed the secondary into one of the league’s stingiest. Fisher has emphasized special teams, as he always did in Tennessee, while hoping the offense can eventually catch up and be competent. If you’d told me in camp this Rams team would be 3-2, I’d have been stunned. But Fisher has done a great job of getting a green team game-ready quickly.

Fisher and Peter King also have the same agent, which might help to explain why PK has a huge Rams boner this year. “Players know to trust a coach with good representation!”

Goats of the Week

Willis McGahee, RB, Denver. Over the years, the Peyton Manning-Tom Brady games have often come down to the team making the most mistakes losing. In the fourth quarter Sunday in Foxboro, with the Broncos trying to claw back in it, McGahee made two errors he’ll remember for a long time.

One: Eleven minutes left, Denver ball, 4th-and-1, New England 47; Manning tosses a gimme to McGahee in the right flat, and McGahee turns upfield to run before he’s secured the ball … you know what happened next. Dropped it. Seven minutes later, down 31-21, going in to make it a three-point game, McGahee had the ball stripped on a run up the middle by Rob Ninkovich at the New England 11. Turnover. Ballgame.

Yes, McGahee was a fuck-up, but bear in mind that it’s not his fault that the Broncos fell behind by 24 points in the second half. Or that they dig themselves into huge deficits on a weekly basis. But thinking that through might entail criticizing Peyton Manning, and Peter King would sooner dunk his nuts in acid.

Quote of the Week I

“You know, I don’t feel so sick right now.”

— Leukemia-stricken Indianapolis coach Chuck Pagano, when the game ball was delivered to him by owner Jim Irsay in the hospital after the Colts’ 30-27 upset of the Packers, as reported by Bob Kravitz of the Indianapolis Star.

FAKER!

/going to Hell

Quote of the Week III

“If I were you, I would learn how to be a little bit nicer. I know you don’t care and nor do I care if I ever sit down and do an interview with you — which I have yet to do. Maybe there’s a reason for that. I like everybody. I’d like to like you but right now I don’t like you. Grow up, young man.”

My personal favorite game of Tebow’s was the 19-snap, five-yard, one-sack performance at Miami in Week 3.

I don’t buy the Wildcat doesn’t work in the NFL anymore. Check out the production of Colin Kaepernick, the hugely less famous Wildcat quarterback/backup quarterback, in 39 fewer plays over five games: 17 plays, 88 yards (all rushing), one touchdown. (That does not include the final 12 plays of the Niners’ rout of Buffalo Sunday, in which Kaepernick replaced Alex Smith as the regular quarterback.)

You mean the Wildcat can work provided you have an offense that is also successful in every single other thing they do? Take notes, Jets.

If the Jets have been waiting to unveil Special Teams Timmy or Secret Weapon Timmy, tonight might be a good time, when vastly undermanned New York faces the superior Texans.

The Jets already told reporters on Sunday that they would be increasing Tebow’s role in the offense, which you might have caught wind of if you weren’t otherwise occupied with brownnosing The Dunge.

When blitzed is when Manning has changed. In 2010, his average depth of target when blitzed was 8.9 yards. This year, it’s dropped precipitously, to 5.8 yards. It’s likely now that Manning, at least through five games, doesn’t think he can throw himself out of pressure and now is trying to think his way out of pressure — and avoid the hits — by hitting a receiver closer to the line of scrimmage. His passing chart against New England Sunday shows two throwaways out of 44 passes.

Manning made three poor throws in the game, none of which could be attributed to poor arm strength. Balls float a little but still get to the target. He seems to have compensated. He knows what he’s capable of and plays to that. It’ll be interesting to see how he plays against a more reasonable schedule over the next eight games.

Yes, because it’s just so cruel of us to expect that Peyton should be able to excel against the Patriots’ dogshit defense. You mustn’t judge Peyton until he gets a crack at the Saints!

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

World traveler Larry Fitzgerald says part of the experience of traveling is to try the local food.

“I’ll eat anything — once,” he said.

Worst thing he’s eaten: “Fish eyes, a couple of years ago in China. Disgusting. The texture, the taste, totally disgusting.”

But put a wedge of lemon on it and Peter says it’s divine.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

I’ve always thought the two best pregame tailgate spots in the league are Pittsburgh and Green Bay — and don’t ask me in which order, because there are terrific things about both. The Packers have some of the greatest spreads, with the tables of cheeses and meats and beers from all over the upper Midwest. The Steelers? A little less garish on the food, but the same people in the same lots for years and years and years, with the flags and the tradition.

I was reminded Sunday of what I miss by not being at many games with a series of texts from Pittsburgh Phil, reporting from the Heinz Field parking lot. Pittsburgh Phil’s a friend of a friend, and we met at a South Side bar a few years ago when I was doing a feature for HBO’s Inside the NFL show.

“Big game today,” he texted at 9:49 a.m. “Wearing gear I usually save for the playoffs: a hat my dad bought the week of the Immaculate Reception, a shirt that led us to …”

Nothing like the mystical property of soiled Pittsburghish hand-me-downs to make me wish that God was awarding points to teams with the most people with cancer.

New text: “Super Bowl 40 and a sweatshirt that led us to Super Bowl 43.”

Nope, it certainly wasn’t an incredible defense that got the Steelers to the Super Bowl in 2008. It was some shitty knockoff sweatshirt that Pittsburgh Phil bought in the Strip District for $5. NFL Films should edit the Steelers’ America’s Team special from that year to reflect this greater truth.

“Seriously. At what point do people in Cleveland just wake up and say, ‘You know, I’m going to focus my energy on gardening?’ (Giants 27-17)”

— @StevePoliti, the columnist for the (Newark) Star-Ledger, at halftime of the Giants-Browns game.

As soon as their drinking water isn’t flammable.

Tweet of the Week III

“This is going to put a lot of pressure on Bud Selig to settle the labor dispute and get the real umpires back for the rest of the playoffs.”

— @CJNitkowski, former major league pitcher, after the questionable infield-fly-rule call in the Wild Card game in Atlanta Friday evening caused fans to rain debris down on the field.

Haha! Jokes that were already dead on arrival reprinted three days later!

Ten Things I Think I Think

m. Well, I’ll be darned: Sunday was the third time in Alex Smith’s eight-year career that he had a 300-yard passing game. Regardless of what you think of Smith, it’s amazing in this age that any quarterback who’s played a lot in eight years has only three of those.

A guy who’s been shitty and benched most of his career failed to reach a statistical milestone that has once difficult to reach but is no longer. WHOA! WEIRD!

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 5:

a. Percy Harvin the special teams player of the month for September? Way off the mark. Nine players returned kicks for touchdowns in the month. Harvin was one of them. Greg Zuerlein (12 of 12 in field goals, seven from beyond 45 yards in the month) had one of the best months a kicker has ever had. Harvin shouldn’t be penalized for being Harvin and being taken for granted, but he didn’t have nearly as impactful a month as Zuerlein did.

I have nothing personally against Greg the Leg. he’s obviously a great kicker. But more and more, I find myself hating the shit out of anyone that Peter King expresses even remote fondness for. Hence, I wish for Zuerlein to fail miserably and be out of the league by this time next year. I’m just spiteful like that. Also because I know PK liking Zuerlein has something to do with PK’s agent asking him to go nice on the Rams.

c. Just wondering something about the Steelers: Did they, you know, practice offense at all during the last week?

What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? Don’t get me wrong, the Steelers committed a shit ton of stupid penalties, but it’s not like they couldn’t move on the ball on Philly. Bah, there I go. Actually thinking it’s worth my time to argue Peter King brainfarts.

g. Ray Lewis, who really got pushed around by the Chiefs. That weight loss looks like it’s hurting him a lot. He just isn’t a factor against the run the way he used to be.

Ball carriers don’t feel it as much when he jumps on piles after a tackle is made!

h. Chiefs offensive coordinator Brian Daboll, down 6-3 in the third quarter, with a 3rd-and-12, called a draw play to Jamaal Charles. Guys, if you have zero faith in your quarterback, pull him and play the backup.

Because you’d throw caution to the wind if Brady Quinn were under center.

4. I think the NFL’s strategy of making the officials invisible, which for the first 28 years I’ve covered the league was the mantra about the zebras, got shot down during the lockout and subsequent settlement. It’s a good thing for Roger Goodell to put in his memory bank for the next labor dispute, the prospect that those employees being locked out could generate the kind of empathy that the officials did this year. I can imagine the suits in the NFL office going apoplectic seeing Ed Hochuli on the cover of Sports Illustrated. The NFL helped make the officials rock stars by showing what the game was like without them.

Let that be a lesson, Rog. PK says you should threaten to rip out their voice boxes. Larry Johnson would appreciate it.

Three other observations from replacement refree Jim Core: He didn’t like how hard and how intensely Tampa Bay coach Greg Schiano worked the crew during the Giants-Bucs game in Week 2 and called the crashing of the Victory Formation “something you’d see at a high school level.” Core’s crew had the Chargers twice, and he said Philip Rivers “was pretty much a jerk” (though he wouldn’t give specifics)

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? GIVE US SOME FUCKING SPECIFICS, SHITSTACK!

7. I think this is another example of the absolute folly of the NFL even thinking about an 18-game schedule: The Jets play Houston tonight. Mark Sanchez will likely be without his top two wideouts (Santonio Holmes and Stephen Hill) and his starting tight end (Dustin Keller.) Moreover, four of his eligible pass catchers were picked up off the street by the Jets. This is Week 5. You can’t in good conscience think about expanding the regular season. You just can’t.

Name five things you would do in worse conscience. You can’t.

8. I think the season’s shaping up as a debacle for Troy Polamalu. Strained that calf muscle again — apparently seriously. With the Steelers on a short week, I don’t see how he’s ready for Tennessee Thursday night.

You mean to tell me that a player re-aggravating an injury that kept him out a month might make him miss a game scheduled in three days? YOU DON’T SAY!

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

b. Bobby V whacked. Now there’s a stunner.

I hope the Red Sox replace him with Grady Little just to spite you entitled cunts.

c. Baseball Stat of the Week: Marco Scutaro had more hits (190-184) and scored more runs (87-86) than Jose Reyes this year. More Scutaro: He was better than Albert Pujols in runs, hits, on-base percentage and stolen bases. So glad to see a hardworking player like the Giants’ Scutaro be able to play every day and have a chance to be a key guy on a playoff team.

SCRAPARO SURE OUT-GUTTED THOSE GLOREEEEE DAHKIES

e. Runner-up for baseball quote of the week goes to the departing Chipper Jones, after he made an important error in the Braves’ Wild Card loss to St. Louis Friday: “My heart is broken. Not for me, but for my teammates, my coaching staff and these fans who have been so great to us this year.”

f. There’s a guy baseball will miss.

Bully for baseball. I don’t give a shit.

m. Of course I watched the presidential debate. But I’ve told my editors I wouldn’t be throwing out any partisan or non-partisan opinions on the race. Sorry. I know how many of you look forward to my well-informed take on politics.

n. So would I be allowed to say that the annual cost to every man, woman and child in the United States for PBS is $1.35, or should I keep that to myself?

Devilishly clever, the way you lied to your bosses. And accept gifts from people you cover. And perform plugola for EvoShield.

Would I be correct in saying that Peter King is an absolute fucking disgrace to the profession and that my journalism degree is worth less every single time one of his sweaty, porky digits slaps the keyboard of his Macbook? Or should I have kept that to myself?

o. Coffeenerdness: Green Mountain French Roast in the Keurig cups, which the NBC Sports Network has at its studios in Stamford, Conn., is the best brewed-turned-instant coffee I’ve had.

I hope someone pisses in it, then dumps the coffee and pisses on your face.

p. Beernerdness: I’d be the last to complain about the best beer on earth, Allagash White of Portland, Maine

But seeing as how everyone else on the planet has already apparently gotten their turn to complain about it…

except in this regard: I keep looking for it in places in New Jersey (I’ve given up on most spots in New York, other than bars where it’s on tap), and shopkeepers listed as sellers on the Allagash site either have one four-pack of it left, or are sold out, and invariably say, “It’s hard to keep this stuff in stock.” I guess Allagash shouldn’t make such a great product — or maybe I should shut up about how good a beer it is.

Or you could shut up about everything ever because you have been rendered mute and your hands have been lopped off?

Oh noes, you can’t find your favorite beer, except for places located CLOSE TO WHERE YOU LIVE IN MANHATTAN THAT HAVE IT ON TAP! GAHHHHH, I’D WISH CANCER ON MYSELF, BUT IT WOULD JUST MEANS POINTS FOR THE COLTS SOMEHOW!

s. No desire to see the final days of The Office. Not even DVRing it. Am I wrong?

YOU HAVE BETRAYED THE NARD DOG!

I’ve got Houston 33, Jets 13 tonight in the Meadowlands, but the smoke signals coming out of Florham Park, N.J., where the Jets train, were of a team that’s mad as heck and not going to take getting pushed around, particularly in the run game.

Oh noes, so Matt Schaub is only gonna pass for 450 yards. That’ll show ‘em!

It would be inadvisable to garden in Cleveland during the NFL season as it gets cold in Cleveland and most gardenable things (such as your vegetables and your flowers) do not grow well in cold weather. I wish I were less annoyed by this tweet that PK likes so very much.

We actually garden such common arctic-variety plants as the Arctic Crocus and Purple Saxifrage, while watching the Browns get pummeled. Fortunately, these plants require precisely zero maintenance, so we can spend our full attention watching our favorite football team get mulched. (pun possibly intended)

“15. Seattle (3-2). Bruce Irvin’s on pace for a 14.5-sack season. His speed is impossible to handle for almost any tackle in the NFL. What a smart pick — assuming Irvin can stay on the field.

Bruce Irvin has been a beast for the first five games. Readily apparent to anyone who has watched even one Seahawks games. And Peter King is still so indecisive that he has to qualify that Irvin must stay healthy for him to be thought of as a sound draft choice.”

I assumed PK meant because of Irvin’s off-the-field troubles in college? /thats RAYCESS?

“Bruce Irvin has been a beast for the first five games. Readily apparent to anyone who has watched even one Seahawks games. And Peter King is still so indecisive that he has to qualify that Irvin must stay healthy for him to be thought of as a sound draft choice.”

Well of course! What if he is shot to deat in his home. Bustville, thy name is not Whichita.

I know we make a lot of jokes around here about Jay Cutler and the whole DOOOOONNNN’TTTT CCCCAAAAAAARRRREEEE thing, but yesterday one of my neighbors pet birds escaped (beautiful bird – I think it was a blue cockatiel) and was flapping around in my back yard and you had better believe that Cutler cared very, very much about getting his claws into that poor defenseless creature. I had to lock him in the bathroom while I chased the bird around the yard and I haven’t heard little Jay crying that loudly since the last time I put him into the carrier. I never did catch the bird, though – last I saw he was sitting on a set of power lines out of reach. I sure hope I don’t come home from work today and find a pile of blue feathers outside the patio door.

I wasn’t aware people in Cleveland cared at all about football after Art Modell skipped town with the original Browns almost two decades ago. Given the lackluster efforts put forth by the new age Browns, I certainly wouldn’t care about football if I lived in Cleveland.

It is part of the master plan. Goodell told PK to do that. It gives PK the appearance of impartiality, and it is not as if PK’s rhetorical are such that he is going to persuade anyone that 18 games is a bad idea if they don’t already think so. The upside for Goodell is that if PK is for it, I, and I suspect many of you, are automatically against it, so this could lead to a groundswell of support for the plan.

Maybe PK sensed that Eric Winston was sufficiently fired up about the whole thing that if he came through with some quasi-meaningful-ish-esque travesty piece of writing that Eric Winston might have ran to Manhattan on foot just to rip PK in half with his bear (<—Freudian typo) hands.

When last we left Uproxx’s most pwntastic Deadspin wannabe, he was piledriving PK’s posterior with a scathing litany of biased criticism that PK completely deserves, because PK’s an asshole. Business as usual.

But what about this week? Since we’re ripping off Ape’s own creative genius, we’re not actually going to try to carbon copy him any more extensively. Chances are nobody is reading this comment anyway, so fuck it…
….
READ ON.

You know who blows up balloons!? Clowns, because the Bills are clownfrauds filled with fraud helium!

Good. Fuck Ben Roethlisberger, because there’s nothing as puke annoying as the sports media talking about him. They can’t do it right. They lavish him with compliments that blow his skill set way out of proportion and – somehow more annoying to me – criticize him for the dumbest shit. DURR BEN HOLDS THE BOLL TOO LONG EVEN DO HE CAN RUN FOR 25 YARDS OR BREAK 35 TACKLES ON ANY PLAY DURR. Fuck me, Ben, just retire so people can shamelessly blow you in hindsight like they do Terry Mediocrefuck Bradshaw.

Anyway, we all know there is no God because Peter King is allowed to do this to us each week and be handsomely compensated for it.

Or he just has a sense of irony. Or maybe not. Your argument is better.

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

I hope you’re talking about PK, because Welkah will tear your dick off and feed it to your cat then feed your cat to you just to feed you your own dick. Just ask any Boston fan.

Before the season, he left open a small window of doubt. Now he’s telling you the same exact thing. Hmmmmmm. INTERESTING.

“If only they had a cancer coach to score points for them, they’d be complete!”

Could you also quit giving PK material?

FAKER!

/going to Hell

We already established that there is no God, so there’s obviously no Heaven or Hell you clownfraud. God I hope you’re not getting compensated for this shit.Editor’s Note: that’s actually a bald face lie. Carry on.

“Nothing I’m allowed to stick in the throat with my bowie knife. Yet.”

I’m pretty sure Jared Allen is allowed to stick his bowie knife in other mens’ throats, because who the fuck is going to arrest him?

Christmas Ape fucks given — 0

Better watch yourself we don’t collect Xmas Ape hair samples to test against cat DNA. Interesting aside: Tebow already had a touch on special teams taking a direct snap on a fake punt for a first down. Peter King’s shittiness knows no bounds.

I’ve been making this point for years. It takes an intelligent, literate Steelers fan (typing that was weird) to point this out? I’m backtracking on agreeing about the no God instead of ironic God thing.

As soon as their drinking water isn’t flammable.

You just set new intellectual benchmarks for a Steelers fan, to follow up with this? This is shit Clevelanders use to make fun of themselves. You out-of-towners need to come hard and heavy. Diss the FREE stamp. Talk about how we beat down 8 year olds in Jets jerseys – it’s not true, but ESPN got away with it. Come on man, something contemporary. Cuyahoga River jokes are played.

Also, guy who wrote dipshit tweet that PK liked, directly fuck yourself with Peter King. Your obtuse jab at sports fans who love and follow their team when they’re shitty (in our case, always) is about a PK-esque-ish as a tweet can possibly be. MAYBE.

I hope the Red Sox replace him with Grady Little just to spite you entitled cunts.

Ah, the one thing that people in Cleveland, Pittsburgh, New York, Buffalo, Chicago, Denver, Dallas, Philadelphia, and Moscow can all raise their glass and agree on: fuck Boston fans.

Bully for baseball. I don’t give a shit.

Good, baseball doesn’t give a shit about you, either, or your ambiguously gay spandex ass-slapping sport – the only major American game that has never garnered any notable interest worldwide. Unless you count Canada, where American football went to hit the casinos one weekend, fucked Rugby, and produced some bizarre mutated offspring.

I hope someone pisses in it, then dumps the coffee and pisses on your face.

Oh noes, you can’t find your favorite beer, except for places located CLOSE TO WHERE YOU LIVE IN MANHATTAN THAT HAVE IT ON TAP!

Interestingly back to the flammable drinking water, some of the best beer not marketed to walking vaginas like Peter King is Great Lakes Brewing Co.’s “Burning River”. Told you we got that self-deprecation shit on lock. I think I’m going to go chug a mini keg and watch Brett Favre videos. Lates.

It’ll probably be the Ginger Hammer in a bizarre one-piece made of leather straps and rivets, and lathered up with oil.

The fallacy is somehow because it’s a sports, someone getting sick inspires his team to victory. A football team may occasionally use emotional appeals to employees more often than your local CVS or a law firm or car dealership.After about the first hit, all that “win one for Chuck” stuff doesn’t mean very much. , It’s still a wrokplace like most others. KIng, like many hack sportswriters, goes looking for a narrative after the fact where none existed before.It’s a lovely story, but Pagano is still sick. If the Colts had blown it,Pagano still has to go to chemo.Yet you never see any feel good stories about sales goals being exceeded because the entire office is pulling for a sick employee. And you don’t because even in football one thing has nothing to do with the other except in the tired hack minds of King and his ilk. But what do I know-Mitch Albom has bought houses on several beaches selling this nonsense.

Goes without saying I hope Pagano gets well enough to enjoy a good dick joke soeday soon.

Agreed. Pagano’s leukemia is a negative influence because that’s got to be disheartening and distracting throughout your week of preparation. Not some great inspiration for the team to go out and put up some stellar performance in a game that is inherently less meaningful than Pagano’s fight against cancer.

Peter King makes me want to walk around with a brace full of javelins in case I meet Peter King.