I've already discussed how much I
hate the Superbowl on here, and why. I don't need to
repeat myself explaining why I hate those goddamned
waste-of-time commercials that everyone else seems to think are
so funny. However, there is one good thing about those
commercials, and that is the fact that they are seen by
literally every man, woman, and child on the planet. Yes, even
ones who are in a coma. Subliminally. Wait, I think I mean
osmosisly. You know what, it doesn't matter, just accept that
it's a scientific fact and let's leave it at that. The point is,
a lot of people see those commercials. And therein lies a
great opportunity. A chance to fuck with...well, nearly
everyone! A chance for your message to be heard! You're never
going to get a larger captive audience to subject to...
WHATEVER YOU DESIRE!

"But Protoclown, buying Superbowl ad time would require
millions of dollars!" you say, or I imagine you saying just
as I imagine that you're actually going to read past "by:
Protoclown" up at the top. Aha! But that's where I reveal to you
that the most crucial part of my idea hinges on the completely
remote never-gonna-happen chance of you winning the lottery!
See, the Superbowl just came and went this year, so it's too
late for any of this now anyway. But now you have an entire
year to prepare! Surely you can win the lottery in a year
if you play hard enough! And that gives you plenty of time to
prepare whatever footage you want to have broadcast to millions
upon millions of people. And don't even stress yourself out
trying to come up with ideas, because I just so happen to have a
list of suggestions you could waste your money on for next
year's Superbowl:

· Instead of putting your bad sketch comedy videos on You Tube,
why not pay to force the entire nation to sit through
your lame idea of what's funny? You'll go from 23 views to over
100 million in the blink of an eye! And they won't even have the
power to click on "add reply" and write a scathing comment about
how lame you are! They'll just have to sit there and take it!

· A music video comprised of scenes showing cosplay nerds
dressed as sci-fi, fantasy and anime characters, juxtaposed with
scenes of football fans dressed up in their favorite player's
jersey, homoerotically painted with bodypaint in their team
colors, etc. Have some moving piano music playing in the
background and at the end, have it fade to black followed by the
text "Nerds or jocks: an obsessive loser is still just a loser".

Test Yourself!
Can you spot where the Batman villains end and the sports fans
begin?

· Play a few minutes of your ex-roommate's (you know, the one
you didn't like who ate all your pop tarts and that one morning
you woke up and were really hungry for pop tarts and there
weren't any and you vowed at that moment that he would rue the
day, oh yes, he would rue the day?) sex video he made with his
girlfriend that you "stumbled across" that Saturday afternoon
you spent completely rummaging through his room. If you thought
that "wardrobe malfunction nipple disaster" a few years back was
bad, wait until you see how they freak out about this! And who
are the prudish prude prudey masses going to blame? Not you. No
sir, you're anonymous! They're going to blame your ex-roommate!
Haha! That'll teach him to wash the dishes next time, that
bastard!

· Create a fake commercial for a product that doesn't exist, or
better yet, a product that does exist, but make
outrageously false claims about the wonderful things it can do.
Imagine the disappointment people will feel when they drop
everything and rush out to the store to buy a brand new internal
combustion nose hair waxer only to find out that such a thing
DOES NOT EXIST! Imagine them running out to buy Coke Zero
only to realize that it DOESN'T CAUSE ERECTIONS AT ALL!
And if you use a real product, IMAGINE GETTING YOUR ASS SUED
OFF ABOUT IT! Okay, admittedly, that one's not really that
fun to imagine.

· This one requires more money than God, because it involves
buying the entire second half of the football game itself (not
the commercials), but imagine this, if you will: viewers flip
back to the Superbowl after avoiding whatever the "official"
agonizing halftime show was, only to find that the entire second
half of the Superbowl has been preempted by recorded footage of
the NES classic Tecmo Bowl being played. Make sure you get at
least one friend to join you in recording over-the-top annoying
commentary of the game before the footage is broadcast. Discuss
it as if it's the real Superbowl and nothing has gone wrong. You
think Osama bin Laden is going to be Public Enemy Number One
after you pull a stunt like that? I don't think so. I guarantee
you're going to adopt the mantle of "most hated human being on
the planet" after this (proving my theory that sports are even
more important than things that actually matter to most
Americans), so do everything you can to disguise your identity.

Fun Fact!
There are exactly four people in the world who would actually be
completely fooled by this.

· Got someone you don't like? Of course you do! TELL
THE WORLD by issuing forth a paid statement about how much
that person sucks! Studies show that this is best accomplished
by sitting in a library of leather-bound volumes wearing a
smoking jacket and puffing away on a pipe. The speaker should
look engrossed in whatever material he or she is engaged in
reading, only to look up a few seconds into the video as if they
are surprised to have company. After a few moments of speaking
they should stand up and walk around the room, leaning awkwardly
on various furniture pieces as they talk, but looking oddly
comfortable as they do so. If you follow those steps to the
letter, whatever you say will be taken completely seriously, and
everyone will know right then and there, unequivocally, how much
that person sucks. NOTE: This approach can also be used
to rant about a pet peeve, or to simply get something you need
to say off your chest.

· Record your very own rap video! Rapping is easy, anyone can do
it! I mean, they're not even singing, am I right? You can
turn yourself into an overnight sensation by blowing the minds
of the nation with your lyrical "skillz". And if you can "bust a
move" and show off some sick choreographical skillz, all the
better! Don't know what to rap about? Popular topics include:
cars, bitches, a lengthy explanation of whose ass you're going
to "bust a cap" in and why, science made easy by breaking it
down with colorful lyrics, religion, hyping oneself, computers,
the fight that almost broke out in the shopping mall that time
but the security guard ran up and stopped it, and extolling the
virtues of your preferred political candidate running for
office.

· You know all that angsty teen poetry you couldn't get anyone
to listen to back in high school and you tried to read it that
one time in a coffee shop but they ended up closing early and
you have a sneaking suspicion it was because of you? Well, now's
your chance! They can't run and hide now! Well, okay, they can,
but they're probably aren't going to run much further than the
kitchen, and THEY MAY STILL BE ABLE TO HEAR SOME OF IT!
Better yet, read someone else's angsty teen poetry, if
available.

· Last but not least, dress up as Cobra Commander (rag or helmet
is up to you, but I myself prefer the rag for public addresses)
and create a short video where you make a public announcement to
the PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! Make sure you edit a bit of
static at the beginning of your video so it looks like Cobra
Commander cut into the broadcast on a pirate frequency. If you
can actually cut into the game about thirty seconds before the
next batch of commercials are supposed to start, that'd be
better still. From there you can do anything you like, from
making lame threats about how you're going to conquer the world
by replacing all the fish in the ocean with ROBOTIC FISH,
to (and I prefer this one for next year) announcing your
candidacy for the 2008 Presidential Election! Of course, this is
a little risky these days, because what is quite obviously a
joke would probably be taken as an act of terrorism, and you'd
have your ass sent to Guantanamo Bay if they ever found out who
you were. But can you really put a price on fun (excepting the
millions it would cost you to get the ad on TV in the first
place?)

Obviously, you would look a little less cartoony, but every bit
as hardcore serious.

Alright, I've given you some ideas, but the rest is up to you.
You've got an entire year to make good on these ideas, so start
buying up some lottery tickets as soon as possible and begin to
work on your lyrics, or script, or whatever. Also, if people
would like to donate money to me, you have my word that I will
most likely spend it towards this cause! Let's do what we
can to make next year's Superbowl commercials worth watching (or
at least one of them anyway).