cats

An extensive study performed by a research team at Boston’s prestigious Harvard University have concluded that people who are in possession of a cat are, in fact, cat owners.

“For years, people have been asking the question, ‘I have a cat – am I a cat owner?’, and we finally have an answer for them,” said lead researcher, Dr. Cris Craven. “The answer is, without a doubt, yes.”

Many people who own a cat were fearful that they may, in fact, be dog owners, which most said would worry them greatly.

“It would be horrible to be a dog owner,” said cat owner Rae Jean Robinson. “My cats would definitely not like it if I was a dog owner. I mean, I’ve never had a dog around, because I can’t stand dogs, so I was pretty sure I wasn’t a dog owner. But this actually confirms that I am, in fact, a cat owner, so I’m stoked.”

Researchers are still working to determine whether people who are in possession of a horse are, in fact, horse owners.

An 85-year old Texas woman has been arrested by local law enforcement after being caught on film kidnapping one of her neighbor’s cats with which she is accused of making fur coats.

The recent disappearance of domestic animals in the neighborhood started to arise suspicion from local residents when some people started to notice the old lady’s particular fur coats, some even recognizing their cats in the coat’s furs, a fact the lady vehemently denied before being caught on videotape by a private detective hired by local residents to follow the suspicious lady.

It is believed the old lady started at first to raise her own cats but finally decided to…

Cats have long been the internet’s most famous animal. Whether you love or hate cats, there is a meme, a video, a picture, or a song online about cats. Over the last several months, one of the most trendy videos to make is one where you scare your cat with a cucumber. As crazy as it sounds, people love filming their felines becoming terrified as they discover the oblong shape when it is placed near them without being noticed.

PETA and the ASCPA have lobbied several states to begin tracking down and arresting people who torture their pets in this way on animal cruelty charges, as it is extremely harmful to the cat.

“When a cat is eating, he is in his safe zone. He needs to feel like that area is free from predators and harm,” said ASPCA member John Lewis. “When your cat is eating and you place a cucumber – or anything, really – behind him, and he turns around, he instantly becomes scared because he assumes it is a snake or other predator that is there to harm him. In turn, this makes cats stop eating or drinking, fearing for their safety by not returning to their food area.”

The long-term effect this has on felines have not been tested, but PETA and ASPCA say that the gag is enough to warrant arrest based on animal cruelty, and several state governments have agreed.

“Georgia, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Vermont, California, and Nebraska are just a few of the states that we have convinced to track down and arrest these animal abusers,” said Lewis. “We are all working closely with Google, as most of these people who have accounts are making money on their cat videos with Google’s AdSense service – which requires them to give a real name and address. We believe we can successfully stop people from creating these harmful videos, and show love and care to their furry feline friends.”

Evie Pipkin has been charged with animal cruelty and first degree murder after she allegedly threw her wife, Michelle Chen, down the stairs of their home and told police she had tripped over the cat. Days after the murder, Pipkin strangled the cat and posted a picture on Facebook saying; “It had to be done. Feeling: sad.”

Friend of the couple Laura Shealy says, “She made a big show out of strangling the cat, like the cat had intentionally tripped Michelle. What kind of person could even think of doing that? What kind of person thinks that’s the right thing to do? That’s when we knew she had killed Michelle. Deep in my heart I always knew, but that right there, that’s case closed in my book.”

Police picked Pipkin up on charges of animal cruelty, and questioned her further about the death of her wife. Pipkin denies harming Chen. “We just got married in October after the law was passed. We were still in the honeymoon phase. I know now I should just have brought Shadow to the Humane Society, but I was just so angry. I couldn’t think clearly in my grief.”

Police say they are holding Chen on the animal cruelty charges, but she will remain a prime suspect in the death of Pipkin, which they have yet to rule an accident.

The Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for security at all U.S. airports, said that they are beginning to switch from drug-sniffing canines to drug-sniffing cats at security checkpoints. The change comes after a 4-year-old with past dog-related trauma was hospitalized when he suffered a mild heart attack at the sight of one of LAX’s dogs.

“Cats, although much more difficult to train, can smell drugs, too” said TSA spokesman George Richards. “They’re not quite as adept at it, because their noses don’t work like a dog’s, but they can certainly smell cocaine, marijuana, and catnip with no issue.”

Cats, which unlike dogs are notorious assholes, are internet sensations in their own right, but there are many concerns that a cat will not be able to find most of the drugs that may slip through TSA security, leaving a major hole in our nation’s plane travel.

“We are very aware that cats will not find everything that comes through, but frankly, neither do the dogs,” said Richards. “There will still be backups, such as our TSA agents, working the checkpoints, just as there has always been. Frankly, we just want to make sure that people are safe, and if dogs are going to be an issue, then cats are the next logical step.”

Richards says that cats will become the norm at all major airports by the end of 2016.

Cat owners can sleep a little easier now that suspects have been apprehended for luring at least five local cats to their deaths, endangering unsuspecting drivers. The names of two juveniles have not been released, but the laser pointer allegedly used was reportedly found upon strip-search of the boys.

Distressed neighbors had put signs around the community, warning drivers to be extra cautious.

The Bangor Daily News reports that Bill Dodge, 44, was the hero that finally caught the boys. He had seen the signs posted in the neighborhood and immediately slowed down when he saw suspicious red light.

“Big orange tabby. Smart fella- didn’t follow it into the road. I chased them boys now got a holda one of them. Pinned him down with my knee and dialed 911.”

Jenny Jackson, 37 was the first victim of the vicious trick. “A while off I saw a red light flashing on the side of the road. Then it stopped. I just thought they were messing around with me when I saw the little red dot in the street. A second later I saw the poor cat, and it was too late.

There was such a horrible thud. It was dark so I couldn’t make out much, but it looked like teenage boys in baseball caps, and I heard them cackling as they ran away through someone’s yard. Laughing! I couldn’t believe it. What if I swerved and hit a pole?”

Marcus Knowles, 37, a resident of East Garfield Park on the East side of Chicago, reportedly took his own life yesterday, and according to the Chicago Police Department, Knowles left a note stating that he had been driven over the edge by the emotional commercials issued by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The commercials typically show sad, battered, and starving pets, accompanied by music of a very melancholy nature, such as the popular Sarah Mclachlan song In the Arms of an Angel.

In the letter, Knowles stated that he wishes that everyone would just have given all their money to the ASPCA, if it meant that they didn’t make any more of the commercials.

“The commercials are some of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Knowles in his letter. “I had a wonderful life, travelled the world, and saw everything I wanted to see. I have no family, but I have made lots of friends and plenty of money in my life. Everything was going great, until I saw that commercial. The sad, crying eyes of the dogs. The matted fur of the little kittens. And the song. I have been crying for days, and there is only so much a man can take.”

Knowles, who lived in an apartment complex, was not allowed to have his pets in his building, and was apparently distraught that he couldn’t help the animals.

“There is nothing I can do to help these sad creatures. I cannot live if I cannot help these depressed animals. To everyone in my life who matters, I am sorry. I am leaving every penny I have to the ASPCA, and I advise you to do the same, lest you see this same fate as me.”

Police say that this is the 14th suicide they’ve seen in the last year because of the overly depressing ASPCA commercials. They have reached out to the organization to get them to find a new approach to their marketing.

“I’d be just as likely to donate if they showed happy children playing with well-fed puppies. And at least I wouldn’t weep for hours or have to dive for the remote to change the channel,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Chicago Police Department. “I love animals, and no one wants to see them in that state. The people of Chicago, and probably the entire country – they love their animals so much. Please, for everyone’s sake, donate today.”

America’s second-favorite pet is in a battle for its life, and looks like it’s losing. Cats, both domestic and feral, have been dying in alarming numbers across the country, and veterinarians working closely with the Center For Disease Control have been seeking to find a cure for this new feline disease.

“We have diagnosed a disease, but cannot control it. It’s spreading at an alarming rate, and we can project death rates into the millions by summer. If your cat has been urinating more than usual, or being extra vocal, it could be the first signs of the disease,” said Alan Anderson spokesman for the CDC. “While a cure would not be impossible to find, we at the CDC quite frankly have better things to focus our energies and research on.”

Anderson said that while the CDC has been looking to find a cure for the disease, they have been also dealing with massive amounts of paperwork leftover from the recent Ebola scare.

“We’re very tired after that whole Ebola thing,” said Anderson. “This new cat disease, known as Feline Urinary Cartilage Abdominal Track Syndrome, or FUCATS, for short, is easily spread, and it could very well mean an end to cats altogether. But, here at the CDC, our main concern is human diseases and controlling and containing their spread. Possibly dog diseases, too, but certainly not cat diseases.”

“Many in my field feel that FUCATS is a godsend,” said veterinarian Mark Miller. “I look forward to the day I can go to work without being scratched by those soulless creatures. For felines, FUCATS is a horrible way to die. Their intestines turn into hard cartilage, and it’s very painful. It’s so painful for the cats, it’s almost hard for me to enjoy watching them die, but I manage.”

“It’s horrible. I mean, they could cure it, but they can’t be bothered,” said Margaret McCoy of Duluth, Minnesota, owner of 15 cats. “My babies are all I have. I guess I could get a dog. I always wanted a dog, and I hear one dog equals the love of 15 cats. But, still…I’ve grown attached to these furry little guys, the litter being tracked all over the house, and the smell of ammonia in the air. I hope that FUCATS doesn’t get my little fur-babies!”

Have you seen the commercial for the ‘perfect’ pet? It’s not a dog, it’s not a goldfish – it’s not even living! It’s ‘Pretty Much Polly,’ the plastic parakeet that can ‘provide hours of fun, just like the real thing!’

Polly’s colors are vibrant. From a distance, you’d never be able to tell the difference between an actual bird and a mass-produced extruded glob of spray-painted plastic, popped out of a mold in far away China, shipped to America to satisfy the gaping maws of hungry toy consumers, begging for the latest electronic plaything.

Even cats want to get their paws on Polly. Sadly, one curious kitten did just that, and Pretty Much Polly turned out not to be the perfect Polly toy for the small kitty.

TeleToy Corporation INC., distributor of Pretty Much Polly, has been named as defendant in a lawsuit filed by Edna Wannamaacher on behalf of Mittens Wannamaacher. Lawyers and insiders are saying that the case, Mittens Wannamaacher v. TeleToy INC., could be a game-changer.

“Mittens was my newest best friend,” said self-described “cat lady” Edna Wannamaacher during the trial. “He followed me everywhere. One day, I was pouring foundation for that new development over by Harbor Road and Mittens kind of adopted me. Next thing I knew, he was my newest roommate! He followed me home. I don’t know what he saw in me, but I guess he knew he’d feel at home.”

“Cats are inherently curious, we all know that,” said Allison Sandy, counsel for TeleToy, “and in this case, Mittens’ curiosity indeed did kill her, just as the biblical parable says. ‘Polly Wannamaacher’, as she called the toy, and TeleToys, should in no way be held liable for the unfortunate accident that took place. We are not responsible for any damages.”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted Edna’s nephew, Dewey Wannamaacher, during closing arguments. When Dewey was reminded that he was not an attorney and that closing arguments can not be interrupted, he begged for the court’s mercy, asking that his statement be heard and entered into the record. The request was granted over Sandy’s objections.

“My aunt is not a crazy cat lady. She does not train her cats to use the toilet like some nuts. In fact, she has opted herself to just use clumping litter along with her friends instead. A lot of slanderous things have been said about her in court today. Yes, she once took a selfie for Cat Fancy magazine, showing her eating from a bowl of Meow Mix with a slew of cats, but it was just for fun. Sadly, that photograph has now come to haunt our family nine-times over. It’s on the Internet, and…well, people can be so cruel. By my aunt is a wonderful person, and this case should not be about her life, but rather the life, and death, of Mittens Wannamaacher.”

“Millions of toy makers and yarn manufacturers could face loss of livelihoods,” countered Sandy. “Even the entire string industry could be wiped out over a case like this. Is that fair? I think not. We all love cats, yes, but also — members of the jury — I implore you — also think of the sheep. There’s more at stake here than just the future of one toy line. It’s the future of the entire cat industry! This could set a precedent that could potentially wipe out laser pointers and catnip manufacturers as well.”

“Oh, I’d hate to put people out of work,” said Edna, as the jury deliberated for a second day. “A lot of my friends work with toys and string. But what about Mittens? Who is going to speak for her? She was just following her natural instincts and look where she ended up? Dead and under the recliner, that’s where. Mittens would have been better off left in that construction lot, looking back on it.”

Unofficial reports have surfaced hinting that the jury may be deadlocked.

“I took a good look at the jury, said Wannamaacher. “I think half of them are dog people, and the other half are cat people. I hope we win. For the love of Mittens, I hope we win.”