First Step

In the introduction to this series, I talked about general principles to introduce bondage into your sex life. To re-set the stage, I’m assuming that you, the reader, have an interest in bondage. You may have prior experience or not, but at a minimum, you find the idea of tying your partner up “interesting”. However, you’re not certain how to approach your partner with this idea. Perhaps he or she is very straight-laced. Or maybe they’ve never tried anything like this before, and you’re not sure what kind of reception you’ll get if you broach the subject. Or maybe you’ve even dropped a hint or two and they’ve looked at you like you were crazy. In any case, this post is going to talk about what to do to take the first step down the oh-so-enjoyable road to bondage in the bedroom.

As noted before, this post is written from the perspective of a heterosexual male in a dominant role, but feel free to change the pronouns around to fit your own inclination!

There are lots of options for what you could do to take the first step. But remember our first principle–one baby step at a time! Your goal is to take your partner just outside of their comfort zone, only by an inch or two, so that they are excited and perhaps even a little uncertain. You don’t want to take them so far outside their zone of comfort that they become scared.

With this in mind, I suggest that the best first step to take is blindfolding. Now, one can argue that this doesn’t really fit into the category of bondage at all. However, blindfolding your partner does introduce an element of control into a sexual encounter–your partner gives up control by allowing you to restrict his/her sight, and you take control by putting on the blindfold and removing their ability to see what is happening.

Moreover, blindfolding is a good baby step. It doesn’t require any special equipment or apparel–you can use a scarf or a bandanna–so it can appear to be a spur-of-the-moment idea, rather than something you planned out. Also, it is a relatively well known idea that restricting one sense, such as sight, enhances the others. If your partner asks why you want to try putting a blindfold on them, you can truthfully explain that shutting off their ability to see will increase their abilty to feel.

“So,” you ask, “what do I do? Just whip out the blindfold and put it around my girlfriend’s head?” Well, that actually might work, and as you go further down this path of dominance and submission, that approach might be highly effective. However, for this first baby step, I’d suggest starting out by warming things up a little (a backrub, some kisses and caresses–you know!), and then asking “Have you ever tried being blindfolded?”

If there is willingness to try it, then you can proceed. However, if there’s uncertainty or resistance, remember to explain that restricting one sense helps to enhance the others. Let the blindfold be your gift to your partner–your way of helping them to enjoy your encounter more. In a very real sense it is your gift to them–it’s an interesting experience to be blindfolded, and you’re very much sharing the experience with your partner because you want them to enjoy it.

I’m not the world’s biggest expert, but I have never yet met a woman who has said no to this, and I’d assume that it would also be true if your partner is a man. If they do say no, then I’d suggest shrugging it off, waiting another month or so, and then bringing up the idea again. Perhaps they simply don’t trust you enough yet to relenquish control, and giving more time may allow the trust to develop. An alternative option might be to suggest that if they’d prefer, they could blindfold you.

I think it is much more likely, however, that you’ll succeed in taking this first step, and your partner will let you (slowly and gently, please) put the blindfold on. Again, there’s no need to buy an official blindfold, and in fact, it might be better to use an impromptu blindfold, like a scarf, for the first time. Once you have put the blindfold in place, treat your partner right! Help her/him to enjoy the experience! Your goal is to build trust–the blindfold is only the first step on a journey, and you hope to take many steps beyond this one, right?

I recommend sticking to activities that you already know your partner likes–remember that the blindfold itself is something new, and that counts as your baby step. Trying something else new is another baby step, and you want to take one step at a time. Do your best to make the evening “in the dark” an exceptional one for him/her!

Once your evening is over, put the blindfold away. Don’t bring it up again. If your partner mentions it, you can certainly let them know you enjoyed the experience of blindfolding them and that you hope they enjoyed it as well, but don’t suggest trying it again. Wait for awhile…at least a week or two, and if you have some question about whether they’re ready to take another step, you might want to make it a month or two instead.

If they seemed to like the experience, then after the waiting period, you can move on to step two. If they didn’t feel that comfortable with the blindfold, then after the waiting period, ask if you can blindfold them again. Your partner may have more fun now that he/she’s had a chance to try it once before.

10 Comments

Hi I am interested in trying out BDSM with my boyfriend but would prefer to be in the submissive role. Is it okay to start with both the blindfold and cuffs? And how do I introduce this to him if he’s interested? Should he be the one blindfolding and cuffing me ?

Hi, deja. I think the answer to both your questions is, “It depends”. If you feel like your boyfriend will have no angst and immediately be on board with the idea of trying BDSM, you have a lot more latitude with what you can do. In that case, I’d suggest talking to him about it, and suggesting he try out cuffing and blindfolding you. However, if you are unsure about how he’ll react to the idea, then I’d suggest another approach. In that case, I’d suggest that you first try Dominating him, using the blindfold (and the cuffs if desired and his reaction is positive). Once you have had a successful first adventure, with you in the Dominant role, then next time, suggest that it’s your turn, and switch places with him and let him Dominate you.

The latter route may prove interesting…it’s possible you (or he) might find that you enjoy playing both sides of the D/s equation…and that, of course, would be okay.

If you have time afterwards, please leave another comment and let me know how things go! Best of luck!

Hi, deja. I think the answer to both your questions is, “It depends”. If you feel like your boyfriend will have no angst and immediately be on board with the idea of trying BDSM, you have a lot more latitude with what you can do. In that case, I’d suggest talking to him about it, and suggesting he try out cuffing and blindfolding you. However, if you are unsure about how he’ll react to the idea, then I’d suggest another approach. In that case, I’d suggest that you first try Dominating him, using the blindfold (and the cuffs if desired and his reaction is positive). Once you have had a successful first adventure, with you in the Dominant role, then next time, suggest that it’s your turn, and switch places with him and let him Dominate you.

The latter route may prove interesting…it’s possible you (or he) might find that you enjoy playing both sides of the D/s equation…and that, of course, would be okay. 🙂

If you have time afterwards, please leave another comment and let me know how things go! Best of luck!

The other night my wife wanted to watch 50 shades of grey. We did and talked a little about it. She seemed interested and so I decided to try some bondage with her. I haven’t yet buy our anniversary is in two weeks and we are going to go away for the weekend. I’m just wondering, if it was her idea to watch 50 shades do you think she has an interest?
Thanks

Barry, to be very honest, I think just about everybody has an interest! The real question is whether your wife trusts you enough to admit and then act on her interest. Based on the conversation you describe, it’s definitely a positive sign. Light bondage is a good place to start, and as I’ve written in my posts, I suggest going slowly and not jumping into anything extreme right from the start.

If you want more info, many of my posts deal with those who are just starting out in the BDSM world. Take a look at those posts tagged “bondage for beginners”, for instance. My e-Book is also written exactly for folks in your situation, who are just beginning to explore their “forbidden” desires. If you, together, decide to move further in this direction, it may be useful for you to read.

Best of luck to you, and if you stop by again, please feel free to share how things went over your anniversary and whether your experiment with bondage was a success. Enjoy yourselves!

Hi, I was wondering if I could post a rather lengthy story here about a thing that happened to me. I’m wondering if I did something wrong in showing my bondage fetish to somebody who seemed interested when i Explained it. Yet the next day was abhorred.

Steve, you are welcome to post your story in the comments section, though as with all comments, I reserve the right to remove it if I deem it necessary. If you’d prefer to share your story via email, you can do that as well through the “contact Jake” link, and I’ll take a look and reply back to you. The choice is yours, and sorry to hear you had a bad experience. There are lots of misconceptions in the vanilla world, and its easy to run afoul of someone who has a bad view of BDSM.

Thanks for this–I conviinced my friend to try out a blindfold for the first time yesterday. She liked it! I’m going to try and wait for step two, but I dont know if I’m gonna make it! Where did you get your cuffs?

Glad things went well, Andrew. Do your best to wait! I know it’s hard. But I’ve made the mistake of not waiting before, and it’s important to give your friend some time and some normalcy for a little while. If you’re interested in getting the same cuffs Joy and I have, you can see a picture and read a review of them on our product review page. There’s also a link over to JTs Stockroom where we got them.

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