Friday, January 3, 2014

Miley Cyrus Was The Most Important Event of 2013

A reader's poll has determined that Miley Cyrus was the most important thing that happened in 2013. See more pictures, video...

This one is no surprise. You knew it. I knew it.

In a landslide victory, Miley Cyrus was voted the Most Important Event of 2013, receiving 93% of the vote, and besting all other events combined.

Her twerking dance during the 2013 Video Music Awards demolished such less important competition as the Boston Marathon Bombings, the Nairobi Kenya Mall Attack, the Bangladesh Factory Collapse, and the Death of Nelson Mandela.

"People really rejected all the death and destruction embedded in the other so-called important events," said professional pollster John Zogby. "I think people wanted to embrace the life-affirming message in Miley's sexy dance."

In the dance, Miley "twerked," or rubbed her ass up against, a man in a black and white pinstriped suit somewhat reminiscent of the clothes worn by a football referee or an old-style prison inmate.

Later, she masturbated with a large, foam #1 finger like the ones fans wear on their hands at sporting events. All of this took place on stage in front of thousands of people, and a TV audience in the millions.

Miley twerking a nameless man in a referee costume. You can see the large #1 finger protruding between her legs as Miley brings herself to repeated orgasms in front of a wildly cheering, capacity crowd.

During the dance, Miley wore her hair in two tiny, tightly twisted buns that resembled devil's horns, and her tongue continually dangled from her mouth.

"I don't know about the horns," said Dr. Margaret Stewman, a clinical psychiatrist. "But the frequent tongue lolling suggests Miley may have Tourette's Syndrome, or perhaps a developmental delay, what people used to call mental retardation."

As historians know, black women have been twerking for centuries, and perhaps since the Dawn of Time. Miley, like Elvis Presley before her, has now appropriated a predominately black art form, and made it available to white audiences.

It is likely that this will lead to a revolution in American and world dance, similar to the birth of Rock-n-Roll.