Thursday, August 18

Woke Up With An Old Love On My Mind

I woke up this morning without remembering any dreams but I did have something on my mind that I hadn’t thought of in a long time. The love of my life.

In 1997 I thought I was happily married. We were living in beautiful Foster City in a large 2 bedroom apt. right on the slue. I had already bought the car of my dreams and with no kids I had what most people might consider a “dream life”.

Amongst the regular household chores I had the best patio garden in our complex. I had an art table where I worked on whatever I wished, I could do anything I was interested in and just like I am today that was quite a lot! So why did I feel there was something missing?

My now X and I moved in together in 1977 and got married in 1982. By the time 1997 came around I found to my dismay that I was living with a drunk and worse. Not the lose your job, bail out of jail, violent type drunk oh no! I may have realized it sooner. But he was a sneaky quiet drunk who after much alcohol became like a living statue that would not speak or move. Not much fun.

He was a hard worker that never took vacations much once we were married. Our sex life that used to be rich and rewarding was totally lack-luster. We didn’t do much together anymore and he was fast becoming a fat snoring slob to me in bed or out!

I was only in my early 40’s and I was so lonely. I decided to have an affair to infuse my life with some much needed attention from a man. I met a few men here and there but nobody stood out. I was just looking for an affair. Then, a friend from the city called me.

My friend had heard about a huge club in San Francisco where you could hang out all day, they had free bands, food and everything. It was actually a medical marijuana club and I already had a card. She said it was three stories of party time with plenty of bodies. I went the next day.

When I walked in what a sight this place was and full of people like she said! All kinds of amazing people! Two floors had couches and chairs all over and I used to sit up there and listen to the bands that played there in the evenings. This place was not for pot only so no alcohol was allowed and that was fine with me. I was pulling away from my interests at home and was spending more time in the city. I would go home at night.

I started meeting people at this club. We had a cozy little group of us that would meet there at a certain time or we’d just run into each other there. One of my friends Doc, told me about a friend of his who was going to play there so I decided to check it out. I was terribly excited and got there early.

It seemed liked forever but it was time for the bands. A man walked out on stage with his guitar under the spot light. I could tell he had some American Indian in him. He looked to be about my age with dark brown eyes and longish brown hair that fell over his forehead. Kind of like a Beatles hair cut but he pulled it off. He was muscular in his jeans and T shirt. He looked good enough to eat.

He finished a short set, packed up his guitar and came over to our table hailing Doc. As he sat down Doc did the introductions. Our eyes met and I KNEW I was in lust. His name was Chris and like a high school girl I was smitten! We all talked until closing parting ways. As I drove home I knew I had to have him.

The next day I waited but no Doc and no Chris. I visited with some other acquaintances but my heart was not in it. This continued for a week and I figured he had a girl friend. Still, I could not get him out of my head!

The next week I was sitting by myself and it was early. I picked a table this time and as I sat down I saw him. He smiled and rushed over to sit down with me. I was hoping I could remember the English language as I said hello. He was wonderful to look at and I really got lost in his eyes, his mouth, and his smile. I could tell he was very interested in me.

It got louder as the day went on and we had our heads together talking. His hair brushed my face once and it was so soft. I didn't dare touch it. He asked me if I wanted to go down to Ocean Beach to watch the sunset. I told him I had my car and top down we sped to the beach. I had a blanket in my trunk and we had sex for the first time on the beach. Did I say sex? More like nirvana!

I was so fulfilled and happy that I didn’t question anything after that. As long as we were together was ALL that counted. The next night I stayed in the city with Chris crashing on a futon at his friend’s house (who I never saw) while we had the best sex I ever had on this earth.

This guy owned me and maybe that was part of it. We would stay at hotels or on the futon on Bush Street. In the morning we would have more sex, take a shower together have breakfast and he showed me San Francisco his way. It was over the top romantic and I never went home again.

At the time I was so happy I still wasn’t questioning anything nor was I thinking of the future. I was sure a love like ours was so awesome that the world would have to be kind to us and that the future would work out all on it’s own.

Our love making was full of passion with Chris showing me positions he said that American Indians used during sex. He liked his sex the way I did, hot and lots of it. Wild, earth shaking organisms were had by both of us and we became inseparable. It was like a dream I had never had.

While we were together he was playing in two bands with friends. He played bass and sang backup in one band and in his own band played lead and sang. We would come down to Foster City for two practises a week and spend the night at a hotel then head back to SF for the other 5 days.

By now I had left my husband, my two cats and everything I ever knew or owned behind. I did make a few trips to pick things up but I left most of it. My best friend at the time told me I was making a big mistake. I told her to mind her own business and that was the end of that friendship. I just didn’t care.

In 1998 Chris and I moved in together on Leavenworth Street in San Francisco. We were both in our 40’s and he was one year older than me. I was floating on air.

Then I missed a period. I had never been pregnant but I knew that I was. I went and got a test and OMG, I was two weeks with child. For an instant I thought about how beautiful our child would be and that I was in my 40’s. It was the last time I would ever have this chance to have a child. Chris was my baby’s father how great is that?

Then reality set in. I had never wanted kids before and I didn't now. He already had a girl he never saw. I told him I was getting an abortion. Of course he didn’t argue a good thing. He already had one child in Oklahoma to pay child support on.

He was very supportive about the abortion. We resumed our sex life and were closer than ever when one day he started talking about family in Oklahoma. He was telling me he wanted us to move there. He went out there alone for a week first. He called every day until he came home and I was so happy to see his smiling face at the airport.

Life as we know it can be so cruel. It was now December of 1998. One day a woman called from Oklahoma and asked for Chris. I should of paid more attention but I was love-struck. That, and I didn't want to move to Oklahoma but I was getting worried. The woman didn't seem like anyone to him just an old friend, but what if?

I had a right to be worried. Chris told me right before Christmas that he was leaving me and going back. I think I was finally waking up from my dream as he didn’t ask me to come along. I was relieved about that but I wanted him so bad!

He quickly moved out stealing a lot of my things. Why wasn't I shocked? (It was some Tshirts and a guitar.) When he got back to Oklahoma he was calling me every week still telling me how much he missed me. Finally in 1999 I got no more calls. I still missed him and he told me he was coming back until the calls stopped.

After that I got my divorce in 2000. I didn't want to go back to my X but I had totally screwed up my whole life for 2 years of nirvana. My girlfriend had been right after all.

I agree that I should of known better. I really shouldn’t have messed my life up at that age for any one man. My marriage would have been over with anyway but I wouldn't have lost everything.

If was to see him today I’d be happy to. He was handsome with a nice laugh. He gave me the best loving I ever had, got me pregnant for the first time and if I ever found this kind of relationship with a man again I would chain that man to my bed and swallow the key! Tee hee!

I don’t know why I felt compelled to blog about Chris today except that I still think of him often as he will always be unforgettable but sort of regrettable, to me.

Thank you cat! How nice of you to be so kind. I wish we were still together but it wasn't to be. Hope your weeknd is good cat!And Lady Jude, thank you very much for all your kind and caring comments. I think YOU are quite the lady honey. Take care! ♥

Bekkie, you may not be together now, but you did what you thought was right at the time, and you have your memories now. I am sorry that it didn't work out for you and Chris, but who knows why these things happen? Thanks for sharing xxxx

Oh dear Bekkie, your post struck a chord with me, I went part way down the road you have, I was in lust not love, I see that now 40 years on, cripes is it really that ling ago, I didn't get pregnant, but \i sometimes find myself looking back and givng a smile of what was, but \i have no regrets of what might have been, it wouldn't have worked anyway, I hope Beckie you find peace. Thanks for your visits BTW. much appreciated. X

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