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19 year-old, confused and angry.

Hey everyone. My name's Jojo. I'm a 19 year-old fashion student, and lately I've really been in a rough place. I wanted to share my story so maybe I could get some advice or maybe help someone else with a similar issue to not feel alone. When I was younger, before I even understood I was gay, I was bullied severely. I grew up Catholic & went to a very small private school. Because of the bullying, I became terribly homophobic (heterosexist, really). I wouldn't even let friends that were male touch me. I grew out of this about a year or so later as I discovered my sexuality (I was about 12). I didn't accept it, though, until I was about 14. I was suicidal and very angry at the world until I embraced my sexuality. In high school, I was extremely open about being gay; in fact, I almost enjoyed being bullied because I felt it made me a stronger person.

Eventually I wasn't looked at as a freak, but a survivor and a role model, really. Teachers and students would tell me everyday about how proud of me they were, and how they (even adults) looked up to me. I was a Victoria's-Secret-Tote-carrying, spray-tanned, sparkling (literally, I wore Victoria's Secret glitter lotion) fairy. I was so gay. & I owned/loved it. Now, I'm in college & I live in a huge dorm...most of the guys on my floor still don't know that I'm gay. I've changed my entire wardrobe and personal style. I look like...well, a straight guy; "swag" is a popular word people would describe my look. But the most important and predominant change I've experienced is my attitude. This was really recent (just a couple months ago). I'm taking a Human Sexuality class, and we (my class) learned that no one is really "born gay" (at least, science hasn't proven it). I always prided myself for being "born this way." We were told "Of identical twin males, with the exact same genetic make-up, only 52% were both gay." This means that because not every gay identical twin has another gay twin, homosexuality is thought to be both biological and sociological; that homosexuality is learned. I grew up playing with Barbie dolls, dressing up as princesses (for one Halloween I was Belle from Beauty & The Beast), and wearing make-up.

What I've been feeling lately is...a kind of betrayal from my mother (who has given up everything for my brother & me). I've started to be really self-loathing again while also hating flamboyant and expressive gays. I adore RuPaul's Drag Race, and seeing gay men in the privacy of my own room be their selves isn't an issue. In public, though, I can feel myself getting angry and annoyed. I used to be the gayest of them all, and now I can't handle being in a room with a guy that has a limp wrist. I also notice that...I'm really into abusive and demeaning sex. I also just want to whore around. It's this weird desire I just started having, and I know it's not my libido (I need a therapist...ha).

Anyway, I've come to this site because I know the community here is strong and amazing. I've always wanted to join in, but I never really felt comfortable doing so...probably because it is a porn site. Thank you so much for taking the immense amount of time to read this and for any responses, I sincerely appreciate your efforts/input.

Re: 19 year-old, confused and angry.

Hi there.

First of all, good job in high school, it's not easy being that one guy that others could look up to when it gets really hard

As for the rest, your problems are what we call internalized homophobia. You admit to as much yourself, but the trick of IH is that it is often hidden from us and we are not aware of it. Part of you still hasn't come to terms with being gay, and that part has only been suppressed before.

As far as nature versus nurture, there is no doubt that both play a part in your sexuality. But whoever told you people are not born gay, has been lying. Science hasn't found "the gay gene", but it's there somewhere, and nature is a very clear proof of that. Homosexuality occurs there consistently, from chimps to ladybugs. That part of it is nurture, is undeniable, but if you were born a Kinsey 6, there is NO amount of nurture that would have ended with you being straight. It is the people in the middle that fluctuate, not those of us whose dick just points exclusively at boys.

You are 19, so there is nothing wrong with still looking for your individuality. When you were in school, you had to make a statement of your sexuality as a self-defense mechanism, but that's nothing to be ashamed of. I make one of mine as well, although in a different way (I can be "gay-acting" some times, but I am not femme, it's more of a refusal to ever censor my thoughts and attitude on the subject). All I can say is, any expression of yourself is valid. "Limp wrists" are just as worthy of respect as frat boys (frankly - quite a bit more actually) and if you think about it, you can't stand them simply because they remind you of your own previous attitude.

Whether you act on it or not, you are born the way you are. Our sexuality NEVER changes, we just LEARN more about it. And being gay is wonderful, and - as you found in high school - empowering. It has the potential to turn us into stronger, more understanding and thoughtful individuals.

As for your darker sex impulses, Freud 101 tells us you want to punish yourself for being gay by having other guys demean you. Which - while kinda hot, I gotta admit - is a bit unhealthy, but less so than you might imagine. A lot of boys who are perfectly fine with their sexuality, still find it arousing to submit to others. I wouldn't think too much about it, and if it IS mostly a manifestation of your current internalized homophobia, once you deal with it, it will go away.

Don't forget - being out is a process, not an end to one. For some people it takes years to get over all the dumb crap society and religion has put in our heads. You are young and you have your life ahead of you. And it's likely to be an awesome life, made entirely better by the fact that you have the best sexuality in the world

That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
- Gene Wolfe

Re: 19 year-old, confused and angry.

Internalized homophobia is the key word.

And if the twins dont have a common feature, it doesnt mean this feature is necessarily not prenatal.

The fetal brain develops during the intrauterine period in the male direction through a direct action of testosterone on the developing nerve cells, or in the female direction through the absence of this hormone surge. In this way, our gender identity (the conviction of belonging to the male or female gender) and sexual orientation are programmed or organized into our brain structures when we are still in the womb. There is no indication that social environment after birth has an effect on gender identity or sexual orientation."[144]

Also:

The American Psychological Association, American Psychiatric Association, and National Association of Social Workers stated in 2006:

“ Currently, there is no scientific consensus about the specific factors that cause an individual to become heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual—including possible biological, psychological, or social effects of the parents' sexual orientation. However, the available evidence indicates that the vast majority of lesbian and gay adults were raised by heterosexual parents and the vast majority of children raised by lesbian and gay parents eventually grow up to be heterosexual.[2] ”
The Royal College of Psychiatrists stated in 2007:

“ Despite almost a century of psychoanalytic and psychological speculation, there is no substantive evidence to support the suggestion that the nature of parenting or early childhood experiences play any role in the formation of a person's fundamental heterosexual or homosexual orientation. It would appear that sexual orientation is biological in nature, determined by a complex interplay of genetic factors and the early uterine environment. Sexual orientation is therefore not a choice.[4] ”
The American Academy of Pediatrics stated in Pediatrics in 2004:

“ Sexual orientation probably is not determined by any one factor but by a combination of genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences. In recent decades, biologically based theories have been favored by experts. Although there continues to be controversy and uncertainty as to the genesis of the variety of human sexual orientations, there is no scientific evidence that abnormal parenting, sexual abuse, or other adverse life events influence sexual orientation. Current knowledge suggests that sexual orientation is usually established during early childhood.[4][138][139]

Re: 19 year-old, confused and angry.

Wow. Thank you so, so much for both of your thoughts and information. You guys are so wise. I really appreciate you guys helping me through this. I feel embarrassed and ashamed for feeling this way so I haven't told many people about it. I just wish I were closer to older men because they've experienced so much; I can learn a ton from you guys. I don't understand my backwards transition, but I could only imagine it'll make me a stronger, more well-rounded person once I jump this hurdle.

Re: 19 year-old, confused and angry.

I'll never believe that homosexuality is learned. I'm convined that something happens in the womb. I'm no expert on identical twins, but I do know they are neither clones, nor 100% the same. I hope that your text and your instructor explained that being gay is not a psychiatric diagnosis. Your mother should be thanked for allowing you freedom of expression.

I think you have been learning how to be comfortable with yourself and the world around you. The trick is to accept yourself no matter how the world responds to you. You, me and the majority of people have no agenda other than living life, making a living and doing what makes us happy. Don't allow heterosexism or homophobia, whether internal or external to ruin your ability to be happy.

Your sexual activity needs to be consensual and something that is in keeping with a positive self image. If it's harmful physically or emotionally it needs to be addressed. It's common to go through phases, but fixations can lead to fetishes. There's nothing wrong with fetishes, per se, but I think they ought to be enhancing rather than limiting or leaving you feeling badly about yourself.

I'm glad you posted. Thank you.

Last edited by Seasoned; December 6th, 2012 at 04:11 AM.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

Re: 19 year-old, confused and angry.

It's just odd that this internal homophobia is affecting me now...Like, it doesn't make sense that I'm regressing. Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by heterosexual guys and subconsciously I'm feeling pressured? I guess no one really has an answer. I just don't know how to make myself feel better.

Re: 19 year-old, confused and angry.

Hmmm, before I came out I was outed, I'll spare you the messy details but the point is, I basically had to admit I was gay before I would have gotten there on my own, so I used belligerence to cope - "...yeah I'm a fag - YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT..."

When I finally did come out (voluntarily) I went through this extreme "straight acting," no flamers need apply phase, way more homophobic than I was before because I wasn't dealing with the shit thrown at me from my former friends, I was working through my own shit that I'd avoided with all the external drama.

The external conflict made me think I was OK with myself, but spending all my time dealing with those issues, allowed me to ignore my own issues with my own gay. Once there were no more phobes I used to call friends around and people - who were completely accepting - started associating me with the "obviously" gay - I freaked.

In the end, it was all positive because it got me out and functioning as a gay man way earlier than I might have otherwise - it was a bumpy ride, but I'm glad I got outed, it saved me years and probably years of closet desperation.

It doesn't matter how you get there so long as you're getting there. Don't go off on the fabulous among us because all that is, is your fears about YOURSELF, put there by some hater who's trying to tell you that gay is being a traitor to your gender.

Doesn't it piss you off that you have to deal with this shit because some phobe decided you have to be ashamed of yourself?

...say it with me...

Fuck that.It's MY life and MY prerogative, and I'M NOT gonna live like that anymore.

Re: 19 year-old, confused and angry.

Not to get you too off-track but your Human Sexuality class is correct- the twin studies (both identical and fraternal) prove higher incidence of homosexuality in both twins which proves that there is at least a partially genetic basis for homosexuality. But what your professor has neglected to point out is:

Not every trait in genetics is expressed. This is a very complicated subject called the epigenome. If you've known identical twins, it's not unusual for them to have different personalities - for example, one twin may have a more extroverted personality than their other twin. And there are other differences- one twin may enjoy sports, one twin may like chocolate ice cream, one twin may like different colors- all variations of expression of identical genes. We don't completely understand what changes a potential genetic trait into an expressed genetic trait.

It's simplistic and naive to believe that there's a one to one correlation between a single genetic trait and homosexuality. More than likely, there are multiple genetic factors at play, which is why we see so much variability in the gay community- there are feminine gay men, hypermasculine gay men, men who are predominantly homosexual and other men who are actually bisexual with a preference for men. No two gay men are completely alike, so it's probably a very complicated mix of genetic, epigenetic and societal factors.

In psychological terms, a lot of what is going on with you at the moment is probably what would be considered transference. You were a hyper-effeminate teenager- probably because you are gay but also because it was your way of sticking your sexuality in the face of the people who were bullying and abusing you. It was your way of saying "fuck you, I'm not going to change".

So, now you don't have to be that over-the-top, in-your-face gay kid. But now, you've transferred into the role of the one who loathes blatantly effeminate behavior. Some of that may because you detest that behavior in yourself. Some of that may be because it empowers you to become the bully instead of the one being bullied.

Sure, your experience in school made you stronger and tougher. But it also left some scars that you haven't completely resolved. You may be able to do by yourself that over time. Or it might require some help from a good therapist to guide you through that process.

Re: 19 year-old, confused and angry.

Hi!! I hope this help you First at all love youserf..you are young have a long road to live..try to accept the way you are...yours feelings...yours love ones..yours family.. if you love yours self and you accept everything you have...you will see you life better...and the future...be happy...okay..

Re: 19 year-old, confused and angry.

Being a retired college educator, I take issue with straight instructors who present theories of homosexuality as fact. I found an interesting article on Huffington Post that I'd like to share. It seems that there is a per cent of identical twins that develop with separate placentas. This happens when the egg divides early. As a high percentage of doctors don't realize this, I'm guessing that neither does your instructor.

Re: 19 year-old, confused and angry.

Doesn't it piss you off that you have to deal with this shit because some phobe decided you have to be ashamed of yourself?

...say it with me...

Fuck that.It's MY life and MY prerogative, and I'M NOT gonna live like that anymore.

This is the proper attitude. I always thought the debate about whether homosexuality is genetic, whether we're born with our sexual identity, whether it is learned (nurture, not nature) is irrelevant. What difference does it make whether or not we are born straight, gay or bi? It is who we are, and it may change over time. Suppose one day I realize I don't like to eat turnips? So what? Should scientists try to figure out if I was born not to like turnips? The same should apply if I wake up one morning and realize I like to suck cock. It's who I am. Fuck you if you don't like it or want to know if I was born that way. Your problem not mine (unless you want to fuck with me because of it).