I have devolved into being a raw nerve, of being a short fuse with frustration at skin level. Streaming tears of exhausted deep sadness, loss, and despair. The brain fog sitting and smothering.

I want my life back. I want this terrible vulnerability to lessen. I want to live without being flattened by unexpected crash landings.

I want to be able.

Other people hold my hope for a happy ending. I breathe through moments: I don’t have enough power to hold firmly to the hope, just enough to get beyond a long moment of despair for the future I have remaining.

Share the brilliance!

Like this:

Related

L I can only say that I am here, I am reading, I hear you and that with the depression/anxiety thing I have going on I understand some of your emotions. For me I always say that I want to stop feeling like I am flying apart in a million pieces. And I don’t like the unexpected crash landings that take me down at every bendy twisty place in the road. I get it. Sort of, if that helps and I can tell you I understand the sadness of losing who we were. I want the old Pix back for me and for CH just like you want the old you back. I am here L and I wish I could do more but all I can do is offer you my ear and hugs and whatever else might help that I am capable of doing.

Do what you can, my dear. We who care, especially Big Mister, know how much all this means to you. For crissakes, it’s not as if you are a lazy cow! You try and try as best you can and yes, somedays that won’t be enough. I have no magic, just the ability to be here. X

I needed to hear someone who cares about me *know* that I keep trying, E. I have to flippin’ practice to be lazy, I’m so bad at it. When do we suppose I’ll understand that some days my best isn’t enough to fend off the wobblies? Thank you so much for being here. This blows.

Wobble when you must – I get the feeling you fight the wiggle too hard sometimes and it overcomes. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Sweetheart, I’ve never met you in person, only seen your beautiful face in static photos, and I know these things. Just give your man an extra hug when it gets bad; he’ll know where it comes from, words not needed. I’ll hold that hope for you when you can’t for the moment. You really, really have come a long way. It’s just such a massive distance to cover.

You are right–and I’ve only just figured it out–I fight the wiggle too hard because I think I can prevent the next natural step because I dread it happening. These past two days I have let myself fall–and have watched a couple of movies and read a couple of detective novels, so have brought calm.

Your last two sentences are important. The final one is essential to remember. Thank you for saying….

Whoops. I mean to say — I don’t exactly “like” what’s happening to you — but I hit that button after reading your conversation with the others. I do “like” that, very much. Hugs. I’m so glad to see the fine support you have!

Contracts, yes. And constitutional law. And torts. And evidence. And real property. And one more subject I can’t even remember at the moment, which does not auger well. And that’s only the Big Six. There’s more. Much more. I started out this reply laughing. But I’m not laughing now. I’ll go back to laughing.

But you know what? I find I can amuse myself even in constitutional law. E.g.:

If a law regulates to some extent but a fundamental right or a suspect classification is not involved, then the court assesses whether the law has a rational basis and the governmental interest is legitimate. That is to distinguish strict scrutiny and a compelling state interest, which is what must be assessed when the government regulates a fundamental right or discriminates against people in a suspect classification.

With me so far? You’re not laughing?

Well, one of the ways I can find my way through that tangle is to remember an old boy”friend” who was a rat bastard. Geddit? RATional BAsis and (ill)legitimacy.

Only just read your post today and I’m so sorry that you’ve taken a dive. My friend and I who sometimes talk of our ‘black moments’ talk of the treacle well. It’s a deep dark well that you get pulled into quite unexpectedly. It has a creature with long tentacles that lives in the dark at the bottom. Sometimes an insidious tentacle slithers out, grabs your ankle and pulls you down. Sometimes you get sucked all the way to the bottom where you sit in black treacle. Sometimes you grab a hand-hold halfway down and manage to haul yourself back to daylight. The only thing I have learned is that you WILL come back up. And always remember your friends are with you, in the dark and in the light. Hugs xxx

It’s the unexpectedness that floors me. I’m tootling along, doing my wee bit, thinking I have this pacing thing finally right and then…crash. it’s entirely predictable, but I forget. Then I despair and everything in the world seems insurmountable. Eventually, I too find the calm. I hadn’t got there when I first read this, so I had to go away. You capture the raw-ness so very well :)

Yes, me too. Tootling along, doing what seems very little, then wham! It’s still a moving target so I can’t predict very well. Or if a particularly ferocious frustrated “f$&*!” means that I’m frustrated or that I’m on the way down.

Last night I woke up from Stupid Brain Symptoms and I kept thinking how it must sound like I’m “only” depressed. This is so different from depression, and somehow I want to make that clear to other people. (Why, I’m not sure.)

You make it clear that you understand too well. I can’t tell you how you’ve added to my calm, so I thank you for coming back and commenting. A lot thank you, FionaSpeccy.

Interesting cruising...

Reinventing the Event Horizon
“I’m writing a memoir about growing up in an organized crime family. This blog documents my encounters on the edge–both living in underdeveloped countries where luxuries are lacking and, at the same time, living with the challenges of bipolar disor

heretherebespiders
“I’m an expatriate American living in Ireland. I’ve oodles of interests: some of them are art, cooking, gardening, politics, writing (well, duh) and driving my Harley. And, of course, my furry family.”

10000 hours to be
“I believe, investing 10,000 hours into something is more about the character attributes of commitment, perseverance, resilience, and focus.

Dreams Incognito
“Let us explore, together, how this movement Method works. How wriggling around can transform us into those whose dreams incognito become known, acknowledged, confessed, affirmed – and realized.”

Serenity Spell
“The Everglades: highlight the interconnectivity of ALL species, revealing the worthiness and oneness of the tiniest creature, the most ancient tree…to the most universal — and so celebrate the divinity of all life.”

Usyaka: Photos of the oriental cat
“oriental shorthairs are cats that love talking, taking part in all activities their humans do, touching things with their “hands”, looking in the eyes and being all weird, warm, emotional martian creatures.”

catself
Cat to Self: The Conversation. Don’t be fooled by the cats in the title: her writing is richly expressive and thoughtful.

NeoWatercolour
“NeoWatercolour is more off-beat than traditional watercolour approaches, and aims to capture the everyday, often mundane scenes of local life, in a vibrant, colourful and inspirational way.”

me, mine and other bits
N. Ireland “tales from the middle age, rants, book reviews, music snippets, links to better writers, and family chaos. Also, some rubbish photography.”