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The beat of the meat

Q: I recently discovered my 14-year-old son is jerking off. He was in his room and really quiet so I opened the door and saw him. I was shocked! I told him that we need to have a talk later on but I have no idea what to say. What on earth do I say to my son? —Shocked And Upset

A: Your son is 14 fucking years old, you moron. Of course he’s beating off in his room. Where did you beat off when you were 14? Buckingham Palace? If you don’t know what to say to your son, SAU, I have a suggestion: “I’m terribly sorry I walked into your room without knocking, kiddo. I promise to respect your privacy in the future. Forgive me. What I did was wrong.”

Q: You’ve answered the same question from gay men many times: “How can I hook up with my straight roommate?” Months ago I asked you a similar question — “How can I hook up with my gay best friend?” — and I got nothing. Nothing! He’s cute, we flirt all the time, and he always says stuff like “We look like we’re going out!” while he’s hanging all over me. I asked you what I could do to hook up with him just once … just because he’s driving me crazy … and I’m falling for him … and you didn’t respond at all! You didn’t even tell me to fuck off! How do I get in this boy’s pants? —Flustered About Gay Hookup and Giddy

A: Fuck off, FAGHAG. There, are you happy now?

I can’t possibly respond to all the mail I receive — roughly 5,000 pieces of e-mail per week, not counting the 12 billion or so pieces of spam that arrive every damn day. If you send me a letter and it doesn’t appear in the column, well, you’ll have to go elsewhere for advice, OK?

And I’m certainly not going to waste space running lame letters like yours, FAGHAG. Unlike a gay boy with the hots for his straight roommate, you’re not in any danger. A gay boy who makes a pass at a straight boy, on the other hand, is risking life and limb, however open to the pass the straight boy appears to be. Those gay boys need my advice, some bucking up, and a little push. But you, FAGHAG? What are you risking? Nothing! If your gay buddy doesn’t want to fuck you he’ll say so and you can order another round and laugh it off. He’s not going to beat the shit out of you with a baseball bat or out you to everyone at your high school. All you’re risking is rejection, FAGHAG, and that’s a run-of-the-mill risk. So fuck off already, OK?

Q: I’m a 21-year-old student. I’ve been dating a guy since January. All summer I’ve been living more than 100 miles from his hometown. A week ago, he admitted that he met a girl at a party. After many a Miller High Life, she told him he had a “nice butt.” While this isn’t so bad, she later sent him a link to a Web site where she posts nude pictures of herself. I found them on his computer, and the two live in the same neighborhood. I admit that I feel jealous and I can’t stop talking about this. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I’m worried his fantasies will quickly become reality. Am I being stupid?—My Boy Jacks Off To Pics Of A Suicide Girl

A: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your boyfriend jacking off about a girl he met at a party, to digital images of a minor alternaporn star or to mental images of a neighbor. But there is something disturbing about your boyfriend doing all three at once, MBJOTPOASG. More worrisome, your boyfriend shared this information with you. If his lust for the neighbor was entirely innocent, why on earth would he tell you about her? Either he’s trying to make you jealous or he’s softening you up for a threesome request. If you don’t want to be with a guy who plays head games or a guy you’re going to have to share with a Suicide Girl — or both — then dump him.

Q: I recently broke up with my girlfriend, who is amazing in many ways. She is loving, fun and intelligent. Sex with her is amazing too. But I lost trust in her over a couple of events and I just bailed. Event No. 1: While we were making love she sucked my tongue into her mouth and wouldn’t let go. I said “Ow!” as clear as I could, repeatedly, but I couldn’t say anything else because she had a deathgrip on my tongue. When she finally let go, my tongue was bleeding and sore. She sheepishly apologized but wouldn’t say much when I asked her what that was all about.

Event No. 2: Shopping for dinner one night, she indicated the cucumber I had picked out would be useful for more than just salad. That night we used the cucumber as a sex toy. A couple days later, after a dinner with my mother and my daughter, she informed me that the cucumber in the salad was the very same one that we used for sex. I was upset; she thought it was no big deal. I would have gladly eaten it myself but I was angry that my mother and daughter were fed the sexy cucumber without their consent.

Am I being too hard on my ex-girlfriend, who in all other ways is amazing? I miss her but I’m afraid she’ll just keep doing things that go beyond my boundaries. —Missing Her Smile

A: In your situation, if I hadn’t dumped the psycho after she tried to rip out my tongue, MHS, I certainly would’ve dumped her after she fed a sex toy/cucumber to my mother and my child! So I definitely think you did the right thing when you dumped her, and I hope she stays good and dumped. If you take her back, this girl will continue to do freaky/stupid/disgusting things until you’re forced to dump her all over again. Anyone who pulls the kinds of stunts you describe is a mindfucker on a power trip: “How awful can I be to MHS and keep him coming back for more?” Stay the hell away from this woman if you don’t want to see your mother and daughter choking on your sex toys ever again.