ALERT: Your Vintage Clothing Is Infected With Demons

Praise be to the Goodwill! Information has recently come to light by way of most venerable TV minister Pat Robertson that will have you shaking in your authentic '90s thrifted ankle boots: Your gently-used clothing purchases may be housing demons.

Did you know that demons attach themselves to physical items such as clothing? These demons are not your friends. They are not there to be your secret pal and help you get through chidhood like Casper. These demons want to make you walk like a crab and turn your head in unnatural ways like in The Exorcist. Luckily, these demons can be banished if you pray over old clothes and "bind familiar spirits" before you bring the items into the house.

What sort of familiar spirits should you bind? We recommend tying several different, fun-loving spirits together using new duct tape (old duct tape may have demons stuck to it), and perhaps garnishing them with a lovely bow. Then douse the whole thing in essence of Eye of Newt, stir it around in a cauldron with several drops of virgin's tears, and procure an Old Maid with a severe case of dropsy to stomp on the mixture just after dawn on a Wednesday morn. Once this ritual is complete, you may safely bring the items inside, have them dry cleaned, and wear them to your next Clueless revival party. The more you know!

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