One Moms Quest to Contain the Chaos

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I Just Don’t Have That Feeling

Yesterday was Mahlie’s first day of school. We did all the typical “back to school” stuff.

We went supply shopping.

We went back to school clothes shopping.

We made a list of everything she wanted packed in her lunch.

She was ready. I was ready. She had her first day of school outfit on and she looked beautiful.

We took the requisite “First Day of School!” photo.

Both her dad and I walked her to school.

She held my hand and skipped along by my side and talked about her friend that she already knew was in her class. Actually, the first thing she said when she woke up, all bed head and bleary eyed, was “Is my friend at school yet?”

At one point, when we were about to walk through the door and I tried to take my hand away, she grabbed onto it and held it closer to her.

I thought, here it is. Here is the shy girl that doesn’t want mommy to leave her.

We got to her class and she saw her friend and before I could turn to her and say, “have a great first day of Kindergarten!” and give her a kiss and hug, she had darted into the room yelling for her friend. There were big hugs alright, they just weren’t with me.

So after realizing we’d forgotten her lunch bag, I sent her dad home to get it and I went over to say bye to Mahlie.

She gave me a quick wave, gave me her cheek for a kiss, and turned to her friend. Mom forgotten.

And I walked out of the room.

Happy. Not sad. Excited, not anxious.

I’ve not been emotional over my daughter going off to her first day of school. Okay, I’ve had emotions, just not ones that come with lots of tears.

I used to think, “what is wrong with me??” I’ve never been upset dropping either of my girls off at daycare, preschool, camp, and now Kindergarten. Aren’t I supposed to be a weepy mess? Shouldn’t I be all forlorn about my baby growing up?

I’m just not. Maybe I’m missing that “kids go off to school and mom cries” gene.

I love my daughters and I want them to be safe and happy and I have done everything I can to make sure they are somewhere that I feel is safe, and I see that they come home happy.

Well, not Sarah because right now she is an alien from some weird planet which apparently doesn’t have “happy” in its repertoire but it certainly has high-pitched shrieking and flailing about on the floor yelling, “no, mommy, no!” But that is a story for another day.

Maybe my heart is saving it all up for high school graduation and dropping them off at college. Maybe then I will cry.

Or maybe I’ll just redecorate their rooms.

How was dropping your kids off at school for the first time??

A more “true to self” first day of school picture

Mahlie gets a personal escort to school. Yes, they are dressed alike, no judging.