Sure, no one expects any of ­Britain’s increasingly silly soaps to be grittily realistic.

But Albert Square’s tawdry saga has turned into Malice In Wonderland. A relentlessly nasty, far-fetched fantasy that is so impossible to believe it’s impossibly boring.

Anyway, next time you’re stuck in traffic and running late, all you have to do is flag down a motor-cyclist, hand him (or her!) a watch... and roar off on his bike.

It worked for Mr Moon. Who then went on to rewrite the airport rulebook in some of the most bizarre scenes I have ever seen.

What a stroke of luck that the extremely recently married groom took his passport to church. Otherwise he’d have never been allowed to race across the tarmac and bang on the door of a passenger jet while it was revving up ready to take off.

Of course, none of the remaining viewers have ever been on a plane so how could they know that it’s normal practice to remove the mobile stairs before hitting the runway? What do the writers think we are? Total morons?

While we’re on the subject of trying our patience, why can’t the Beeb’s top team understand that we’ve all had a gutful of clapped-out Kat and Alfie’s never-ending story?

It doesn’t ring remotely true. A frightful old slapper who admits to the slight fault of sleeping with any bloke who asks and a loser idiot who always forgives her.

But back to the vestry... where, in an absurd twist on the traditional last-minute hitch, Alfie’s tears stained the register as he realised he had just signed up for a life with the wrong woman.

Later, following the even more absurd airport cobblers, our hero returned to Walford and spent his wedding night with his former wife. As opposed to his current one. And this heartless oaf is supposed to be a sympathetic character?