Exposing the underbelly of Armstrongism in all of it's wacky glory! Nothing you read here is made up. Every crazy, weird and wacky quote is straight from the pens of Armstrongite leaders or members who think they possess some insight into God and the Bible. What you read here is the up to date face of Herbert W Armstrong's legacy. It's the gritty and dirty behind the scenes look at Armstrongism as you have never seen it before!

Friday, February 8, 2013

Worlds Most Desperate to be Recognized Prophet Premiers New "Magazine"

Poor prophet Bob! "Continuing WHAT?" is a perfect description of his new personality cult. So far he has not provided anything worthwhile to COG members or the world.

He premiered his new magazine this evening that is supposedly the flagship publication of the Continuing Church of God. The only problem with it is that every single article in it is a repost from his blog. You will learn nothing new.

At least he did not call it the Plain truth, The Good News, or Tomorrow's World!

He claims his new magazine is about the Bible, news and prophecy. All three areas are so blown out of proportion that it is laughable reading his stuff. It's all legalistic BS. News viewed through the lens of the legalistic BS, and prophecy interpreted through the proof-texting of the legalistic BS he promotes.

Poor thing! I kind of wish he would do something right, but so far no luck.

Great. Now all we need to see is a portrait of prophet Bob with a globe.

If I had read his blog, which I do not read, would I learn anything new there either? Doesn't matter, because it's time to step aside now, Bob. You've got competition. I've decided I want to be a prophet too, so I'm going to write some books of my own.

The first book in a series of books is entitled, Armstrongism for Dummies: A reference for the rest of us. Here's some excerpts:

Chapter 1"Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word which proceedeth out of the mouth of Herbert Armstrong," (Matthew 4:4). Armstrongites endlessly recycle the same cliche catchphrases of Herbert Armstrong. Everyone knows that god will reward anyone with eternal life who can memorize and recite the entire catechism of Herbert's catchphrases. This is called "the truth." It will take some dedicated study, but that's all there is to it. Now you can do whatever you want, but so long as you keep reciting it, your salvation is 100% guaranteed or your money back! (Please refer to Appendix VII for a comprehensive list of other important ceremonial requirements.)

Chapter 3Once memorized, most catchphrases can be creatively wielded as bludgeons for almost any occasion. A few of Herbert's greatest hits are: "the truth," "the gospel" (spreading "the truth"), "the world" (all non-Armstrongites), "the work," "the government of god," "the way of the heathen," (could refer to almost anything or anyone), "decently and in order," "prince of the power of the air," "forsake not the assembling of yourselves together" ... and many more!

Chapter 12What a blessing it is that you finally have "the truth" too, unlike everyone else in "the world." This means god likes you now. Now you can then write books, blogs, and magazines too, and make youtube videos, in which you can recite the same things over and over, and over again. You can even start your own Ponzi-, oops, I meant cul-, oops, I meant church! Everyone knows "the truth" has to be spread to all "the world" and then god can finally return to reward Armstrongites and punish "the world." Doesn't that sound wonderful?

"Can Thiel hope to have even a tiny fraction of the impact of the group he left? I don't think so!"

Yes he can. He can appear as a guest on radio programs like "Coast to Coast" and spread the gospel about conspiracy theories and doomsday scenarios. Why, in just the first thirty days he reached 45 megabajillion people with that gospel simply by appearing for a few minutes each on a couple of radio programs. Amazing! Now, I know you're probably thinking that's not the gospel, and that the gospel is the good news that jesus christ is coming back to throw most people you've ever met into a fucking lake of fire! To which I say, what's the difference? Good news is good news.

...Or Bob could appear along side of William Dankenbring, God's man of faith and power, and the two could combine their high level of broadcasting excellence to powerfully bring the gospel message to the unwashed masses (well, at least when William isn't busy sidelining as a boxing manager):

In the graphic arts community, we know of something called vanity publications. While they are being printed and bound, one must wear gloves to avoid getting fingerprints on the extremely glossy Ultraviolet Coating. Generally, they are produced with the idea of looking exquisite and impressive on a subscriber's upscale coffee table.

Thiel's publication, however, is not one of these. If a descriptive phrase were to be created to categorize his new publication, it might be something like "vanity toilet paper". Probably wouldn't even suffice for that, as it would be too rough and scratchy, just as is the content.

They're gonna go nuts! Bob Thiel is gonna write another book about St. Malachy's prophecies and Fatima as fast as he can. Meanwhile, he'll produce 13 crappy youtube videos during the next six weeks speculating about who the next pope will be, how he'll live up to the epithet "Petrus Romanus," and how we can be sure he's the last pope who's gonna leave the vatican stepping over the bodies of his priests. James Malm will be spitting while his jowls are waggling for the next six months about the "gun lap," how this is the final countdown and everyone in the COG's are going to go down in flames for NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO HIM!!! Ahhhh! Just like the good ol' days.