"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."
~ Jack London

Bookworm Challenge 2016

1.) "Pleasures of the Damned" by Charles Bukowski
2.) "Batman and Psychology" by Travis Langley
3.) "Glory O'Brien's History of the Future" by A.S. King
4.) "The Best of Batman: 50th Anniversary in Film and Television"
5.) "Tough Sh*t: Life Advice From a Fat, Lazy Slob Who Did Good" by Kevin Smith
6.) "Lady Midnight" by Cassandra Clare
7.) "The Killing Joke" Alan Moore
8.) "The Merciless II" by Danielle Vega
9.) All Star Batman #1, #2, #3
10.) "Batman: Year One" Frank Miller
11.) "Rebirth: Batman" & "DC Universe Rebirth: Batman"

Nothing rains on your unemployment parade quite like your aunt dying the day you’re laid off. While you’re there. Awake. In the room.

Let’s just say that this whole unemployment thing isn’t turning out like it was supposed to. On top of my aunt dying (which was all around a HORRIBLE thing):

– I’ve had a rheumatology appointment that sucked.

– An ENT appointment that sucked WAY WORSE.

– My body hates me a lot more.

– Endless Unemployment related hoops to jump through, including but not limited to job searches, interviews, and trying to remind my brain to file a weekly claim.

– Nieces and cleaning and favors for family and everything that happens when you’re suddenly the one home all the time so everyone assumes they can dump everything on you to do. Which leads to

– No writing, artwork of any real significance, or photo shoots have been done.

I mean, there was that one day I got to go to see Phantom of the Opera at the Fox in St Louis with my best friend. But that’s the highlight of it all. I’ve just been very, very stuck.

So while I would like this to be a check-in telling you all how everything has been marvelous and I’ve been so busy writing and doing amazing shoots and working on incredible artwork – nope. I’ve been rocking sweatpants and cleaning everything and realizing I have no idea how to do anything anymore.

I’ll have a better update soon. But for now, I need to – you guessed it – go clean.

Less that two weeks until my health, my friends, and my passions take priority again.

Less than two weeks until I’m writing books, working on photo shoots, doing new artwork.

Less than two weeks until days that I can relax if I don’t feel well and catch up on my DVR.

Less than two weeks until I can take up old hobbies again, like when I used to be an amateur magician. I know that sounds a little weird, but hey – I miss it.

Less than two weeks until I can figure out what I want to do for college.

If you want to summarize all that: Two weeks until I have my life back.

“Something has changed within me Something is not the same I’m through with playing by The rules of someone else’s game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It’s time to trust my instincts Close my eyes And leap”

Am I scared? Of course I am. Not having steady income is terrifying. But I’m driven by something that scares me even more – giving up on my dreams. I’ve been pushing everything that was important to me to the backburner for far too long, and I was growing comfortable with the idea of settling into a normal life. Not because it was what I wanted, but rather because it was what seemed easier. Maybe everyone is right, I would think. Maybe it’s time to grow up and accept that this dream will stay just that – a dream. And that isn’t like me. That SCARES me. If I want something, I go after it. It’s that simple.

But, I’ve got my manuscript revision finished and ready for Beta Readers and the final round(s) of editing to make it all polished and shiny. I’m booking shoots like you wouldn’t believe: some paying work, some portfolio updates, and some for designers. Not to mention finally getting back to my artwork properly, and having time for my friends again.

It also royally sucks that the coworkers I do like won’t be around every day. I know we can still get together and see each other if we want to, but it’s going to be weird not seeing each other every day like we do now. But I couldn’t stay forever, so this was bound to happen.

But at least, in the world of my art stuff, this happened:

Camren Bicondova, the talented gal that plays a young Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman) in the Fox TV series Gotham, LIKED THIS PHOTO OF HER I DID! I know, in the grand scheme of things, this can’t go on a resume or really much of anything. But HOLY FANGIRL MOMENT, BATMAN! SHE LIKED IT!

I haven’t posted a Soundtrack of a Misfit post in quite a while, but this one needs to be posted. I heard this for the first time in this new year, and immediately it raised my spirits and made me smile. I knew this song was going to be the anthem for 2015, and that of course I needed to share it.

Here’s some lyrics for you:

“I Lived” by OneRepublic

Hope when you take that jump You don’t fear the fall Hope when the water rises You build a wall

Hope when the crowd screams out They’re screaming your name Hope if everybody runs You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love And it hurts so bad The only way you can know Is give it all you have

And I hope that you don’t suffer But take the pain Hope when the moment comes You’ll say…

[Chorus] I, I did it all I, I did it all I owned every second That this world could give I saw so many places The things that I did Yeah, with every broken bone I swear I lived

[Verse 2] Hope that you spend your days But they all add up And when that sun goes down Hope you raise your cup

I wish that I could witness All your joy and all your pain But until my moment comes I’ll say…

[Chorus] I, I did it all I, I did it all I owned every second That this world could give I saw so many places The things that I did Yeah, with every broken bone I swear I lived

From the viewpoint of a chronically ill person, as well as just how I would prefer to live my life, this song is PERFECT. I’d like to believe this is going to be my anthem for 2015, despite all the changes, or maybe even thanks to all the changes. So I guess we’ll see.

“When you can’t go forward, and you can’t go backward, and you can’t stay where you are without killing off something deep and vital in yourself, you are on the edge of creation.”– Sue Monk Kidd

Alright. So, I know I’ve said it before – “This is it, I’m leaving my day job” and “90 days left until I can get back to myself.” – yada yada, I know there have been many instances that I’ve said I’m going to give up working a job that makes me miserable and doesn’t benefit me in the long run.

But, well… By the end of February, I will no longer be working at my infamous and stressful day job. The Universe, as mentioned in my last post, came knocking. A serious of strange and in some ways unfortunate events led me to the realization that there are more important things in life than paying bills until I die. I will never, with the hours I work and amount of other things I have to worry about, get a book ready to be sent off. The odds are against me there.

Until now.

“I believe ardently that you should drop everything and run toward your true self.” -Kyran Pittman

Now I can focus on my health for a bit. I can devote hours to writing and editing and hunting for the perfect agent. I can work on my art and photography and just try, in general, to improve my chaotic little world. I’m not quitting the day job scene for good, just a little while until I can get back to feeling like myself.

Because obviously, bills don’t pay themselves, and won’t magically disappear just because I don’t have steady income. But this wasn’t a spur of the moment decision, and it wasn’t something I just came up with.

Like I said, the Universe came knocking on my door, and said it was time for me to go. In other words, they’re closing down where I work, and not everyone gets to keep their job. So, I might as well work until they’re closed, then let someone else have a position, and I can write and whatnot for a bit.

When faced with the decision – fight for a job I don’t want, or let someone who really needs the money have it… well, it was time to take my bow.

It’s time I put some serious work into my writing, and really get somewhere.

“Try to make your time matter: minutes and hours and days and weeks can blow away like dead leaves, with nothing to show but time you spent not quite ever doing things, or time you spent waiting to begin.” – Neil Gaiman (Read more here)

So there you have it. Of course I’m scared, because I’m human, and I’ve grown attached to the idea of having money appear in my bank account every two weeks, and going on adventures, and doing what I please. But I’m also very, very excited, because this is a brand new year, and I can maybe use it to become the person I haven’t been in some time – the girl who could write and draw and paint and take photos and let creativity flow freely and live some beautiful amazing life.

I had hoped I could take on 2015 better than I had 2014. But my final two days of 2014 were awful, and carried their awful into 2015. Bad work stuff, my aunt having poor health and being admitted to the hospital, and then my own health plummeting on New Years Eve and ruining my writing date (more on that in a moment), all contributed to one of the worst transitions into the New Year.

New Years Eve health junk was particularly bad. I went from a general not feeling so great, to shaking because I was so cold, to vomiting in the bathroom at work, and then delirious the rest of the night, with my mom and brother trying desperately to either get my fever down or to get me to agree to go to the hospital. Neither worked out, really, since I refused to do anything but burrow beneath a billion blankets and pass out randomly. They finally got me to drink and hold down fluids around midnight (Happy New Year! Drink your Sprite.) I refused to eat for well over 24 hours, and even then I barely ate anything. All I’ve had today is a piece of toast, and I wasn’t too excited about that.

I still feel pretty awful, and everyone is pretty well in agreement that I should see an oncologist (*gulp*), especially with my lymph nodes being crazy, and my liver being gigantic. I don’t drink or anything, so I know that alcohol has nothing to do with my liver. I guess we’ll see what fun health misadventures await me this year.

My sad, ruined New Years writing date with Taylor obviously was shot, as I mentioned, by my sickly meltdown. ‘But what is this writing date?’, you may be wondering. Well, Taylor and I have come up with a story idea. Something I’d like to see turned into a novel. He has a brilliant mind and should honestly write books, be a professor, make movies, and a million other things because he is, in fact, that amazing. But anyway, we had planned to have dinner, watch movies, and rough out some plot and a game plan for this book. I’m hoping I feel well enough to reschedule for this weekend.

Besides, it looks like 2015 is going to be a bumpy road. Maybe all the sudden bad at the end of 2014 was the Universe, yet again, screaming at me to refocus my priorities. I’d like to think that. I can imagine the Universe having a tantrum, yelling: “Alright, I’ve had enough of your shit! You have more important things to be thinking of. More important work to be done. NOW GET TO IT.”

The Universe has given me my ultimatum: Get your shit together, write, and take care of yourself, or die miserable and ignore your purpose. But how this ultimatum was presented is still scary to me. I can’t go into much detail at the moment, but let’s just say it’s 95% likely I will have A LOT of writing time on my hands in the coming months.

With the new year fast approaching, I have some goals in mind to make my life a little better in 2015. Some are simple and seem silly to others, while some seem like I’m aiming for too much in one year. But hey, can’t hurt to try, right? Aim for the moon, land among the stars.

So here are some goals or things I want to work on in the next year:

+ Write more, and accomplish something with said writing. Whether it’s an article, or a novel, I need to move forward.

+ Focus on my health. On improving it, and coping with it.

+ Give more time to my creative outlets, like photography and art. Because those things make me happy, and are good for my soul.

+ Fatten up my savings account. It’s time to move forward, in more ways than one.

+ Read more. Reading makes me happy. It’s a cheap escape from the every day world. And I’m a writer, dammit. Reading is important.

Of course things like travel are also included in next year, but not so much as goals to accomplish, because I will go somewhere regardless.

So, there you have it, my goals for 2015. While this year started off pretty rough, I won’t let the same happen to 2015. I will conquer. I will seize control of my life. I will take steps in the right direction again.

“I learned to write by writing. I tended to do anything as long as it felt like an adventure, and to stop when it felt like work, which meant that life did not feel like work.” -Neil Gaiman

Well, I survived surgery on the 11th. Other than a little here and there complications, it went well. A grapefruit sized cyst was removed from my fallopian tube, and that aspect is a lot more comfortable. Now I just need to finish healing from the surgery itself.

Something nice that came from being home resting for a little over a week, was a desire to write and a burst of creativity. The downside to this, though, was that I couldn’t really sit up to do much of anything without a lot of pain or feeling sick. But now that I can (somewhat) sit up, I’ve been writing. I haven’t worked on any specific project, so much as just let myself type and see what comes of the words. So far, I really like it. But soon I have to get back to more serious words.

As 2014 comes to a close next week, I’ve had my mind on 2015, and what I’d like to do with a whole new year. Above anything, I want to make it incredible. I want to move forward, to better things. Even though it scares me.

Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall.

—Ray Bradbury

So, I’m making a list of all the things I’d like to work on next year. What I want to accomplish, where I’d like to be by this time next year, etc. Expect that Monday or Tuesday.

I know the number one thing on that list, though, is to get something published. Something big, something little. Anything. Anything but sitting here doing nothing. I don’t want to waste another moment saying that I want to be a writer. I AM a writer.