May 24, 2007

'Pirates of the Caribbean': What the [heck] is going on?

Give “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” some credit: It’s rare when a summer popcorn movie makes the viewer feel stupid.

As I sat there watching the labyrinthine plot start to unfold, I thought: What the [heck] is going on?

As the movie continued on its almost-3-hour-journey, I thought: What the [double heck] is going on?

When we entered the theater, publicists handed out sheets requesting
that we don’t spoil any of the many plot twists for readers.

How could I spoil the plot twists when I couldn’t even figure out what the [heck] was going on?

So, loyal Pop Machine readers, I realize many of you will probably be dashing out to see “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” this long holiday weekend. I’m not encouraging you, mind you, but it’s the big
hyped sequel and it does boast Johnny Depp, some pretty cool crabs and a whole lot of shiver-me-timbers.

Anyway, what I’d like you to do is this: Bookmark this page, come back
to it after you’ve seen the movie and then take the 3-part Pop Machine
“Pirates” challenge:

1. Summarize what actually happens in “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” in 50 words or less.

2. Make a chart of who’s double-crossing whom and when. OK, you can’t do that on the comments board, so scratch that.

The new 2. Explain the character of Calypso: Where did she come from, what are her powers and what actually happens to her?

3. Define death in the world of “Pirates of the Caribbean.” That is, in 50 words or less explain what happens when characters die, how they can become undead and whether the same rules apply to everyone.

Yes, the answers inherently will contain spoilers, so don’t plan on reading all of the comments once people start seeing the movie if you don’t want to know what happens. Then again, you might want to know
what happens so you won’t be sitting there scratching your head for almost three hours.

As for the prize…well, there is no prize, but you’ll be answering some key questions for a lowly writer who really doesn’t want to have to see this movie again.

Comments

Too bad you can't just go and see a movie and just enjoy it for what it is. But I guess if I made my living by bad mouthing films and entertainment I wouldn't enjoy much either. Dude your life must suck.

CARO COMMENT: Dude, I do try to enjoy movies for what they are. But I enjoy them less if I'm sitting there trying to puzzle out what's going on for three hours.

1. Jack Sparrow is rescued from Davy Jones's Locker by his friends, who unite the Pirate Brethren in order to defeat the East India Trade Company, which controls the Flying Dutchman. The pirates triumph in battle after Calypso claims Davy Jones and Will Turner becomes the captain of the Dutchman.

2. Calypso is the goddess of the sea, who was imprisoned in the human form of Tia Dalma by the Pirate Brethren after being betrayed by her true love, Davy Jones. The Brethren release her from her prison, and she creates the maelstrom that eventually claims Davy Jones.

3. Death is only skewed in the "Pirates" universe by Davy Jones and Tia Dalma, who is a human embodiment of a goddess. In the first film, Barbossa dies on Jack Sparrow's sword, but is brought back to life by Tia Dalma, who, we infer, practices voodoo. Davy Jones was cursed by Calypso to forever captain the Flying Dutchman to shepherd souls who die at sea; when he betrayed that order, he and crew were transformed into undead sea creatures. Anyone captured by Jones gains immortality, but must serve on the ship, and in mutated form. Will Turner is brought back to life by stabbing the heart of Davy Jones, therefore becoming the cursed Dutchman's new captain.

Suffered through the first one, which without Johnny Depp would have been a nightmare. Got about fifteen minutes into the second and couldn't, or wouldn't suffer through that. Third one...nope. Not gonna do it. Living with Courtney was bad enough!!!

There's a fellow a few desks over from you, name of Wilmington. If you have a few, he'll be happy to explain it -- or you could plunk down some change and buy your own paper. It's a pretty good read, so I hear.

CARO COMMENT: Imagine this: Two people had different opinions of a movie. Wow.

Last summer, my girlfriend and I went to the Cascade Drive-In to see the second one. After an hour, we were praying for deliverance. Just godawful. But we had paid our money and love the drive-in: we stayed, waiting for it to get better.

NOT!
These franchises are silly vehicles for CGI, merchandising and over-acting. No thanks.

Holy pirate on a bike, batman. I loved the first and thought it was brilliant. Even now, the second almost brings me to tears. I walked into the third with little hope, and honestly did quite a bit of eye-rolling in the beginning. But by the end, I found myself sitting on the edge of my seat, begging for more. It was 3am and I wished they had started it over again. The conflicts were resolved very well, plot twists were great, and character development was on par with the first of the trilogy.

Now I can't get it out of my mind and must return for more. While this may not be the best movie I have ever seen, it may well be the most entertaining.

I like the whole Pirates Theme, but this movie was lacking. The first 1.5 hours was so tangled with wasted footage and meaningless dialog that I had to force myself to stay in my seat. I saw this a a typical, "We'll make Millions on the re-runs again..." type marketing hype. It was good to see all the actors return for this film which added that familiar spice to keep your interest of what will happen with their character later. CLEARLY evident that there will be a Pirates 4 without a doubt. There's too much money at stake to not do it. Marketing-Marketing-Marketing is what it's all about. Disney and Mr. Ronco has taught us all that. Special effects? Well they were OK. Tell me, what was up with Calipso turning into a bunch of crabs? Her whole character is still a mystery. This is one movie I wish I would have waited to rent from the video store. Sorry, Johnny Depp Fans.

1. Will, Elizabeth and Barbossa rescue Jack Sparrow from "the Land of the Dead" for their own respective needs, unite the nine Pirate Lords (again for their own reasons) and battle Davy Jones and the East India Trading Company for control of the Caribbean. Will and Elizabeth marry, Will dies and takes the place of Davy Jones, and the evil English are defeated.

old 2. Will is using Elizabeth to free his father from Davy Jones's crew; Jack double-crosses just about everyone at various times in order to take over the Flying Dutchman and gain immortality; Barbossa is using Will and Elizabeth to help him unite the pirates in order to free Calypso (in a fit of nostalgia?); Elizabeth and Davy Jones seem pretty straightforward about their goals.

new 2. Calypso is the Caribbean (I'm guessing) goddess of the seas stuck in human form. She can raise the dead, foresee the future, reverse spells/curses, create maelstroms (or MAELSTROMS!) and talk with a really grating accent. After being freed from her human form I guess she returns to whatever pantheon/place she came from.

3. Death is mainly permanent unless you're lucky enough to be cursed in some manner (e.g., the whole first movie curse and Davy Jones), a goddess in human form resurrects you or your friends pull the Greek-mythology trick and haul you out of Hades/limbo/whatever. Or, if you're a star, death is an inconvenience. Extras and sidekicks die for good.

About the Pop Machine

"Pop Machine" is Chicago Tribune entertainment reporter Mark Caro's attempt to peel back the flip top and inhale the fizz of pop culture. Or something like that. You can read what Mark has been writing in the newspaper right here.