It seems silly that I should have to defend myself on this matter, but due to recent events in which nasty and false accusations have been hurled against me, I feel I must mention that I did not illegally bribe protestors from Occupy Byron City in order to get them to give up their protest, and I did not genetically engineer giant bats to win an election. If I had that power, I would probably be doing something else with those remarkable abilities besides being using it to scare the citizens of my hometown. Like fighting crime, or scaring drifters.

These accusations were made against me by a “mysterious cloaked man,” who planted envelopes on the doorsteps of several of our most prominent citizens. After a prompt investigation by my staff, and by using just common sense that any idiot should possess, it appears that the “cloaked stranger” was none other than Byron City’s own Sir Ryan.

The stunt he pulled, including the letters and the un-keepable promises he made, was just a feeble attempt to discredit me and propel himself into my Mayoral seat in order to satisfy some misguided attempt at revenge and immoral grab for power. I’m not sure how he thought this would work. He doesn’t even have a last name, speaks only in old English, and only showers, quote, “once every fortnight.” Someone who still believes that the earth is flat* and keeps a notebook of “People I Know Who Are Also Witches”** has no business running our town.

It is true, however, that as Mayor, I used my power to place Sir Ryan on the city council late last year—a power given to me by the articles of our town written at the founding of our city. And it is by that same power that I remove him from the counsel, effective immediately. Turn in your key card and parking pass, then go suck a duck.

– Mayor “Chuck” Barther

* Sir Ryan made this belief known to us on many occasions during city council planning meetings

** Added my name to the list after I told him we didn’t have the budget for a “Lute Festival” this summer. He didn’t think I saw it, but I did.

Like this:

The stop sign at Main and Ambrose has been replaced after an unknown citizen made an innocent stop sign say something racist. Due to the offensive nature of the vandalism, I will not place a picture of the sign here, but I will say, on behalf of all the citizens, that we do not wish to “STOP the jews,” but welcome jews and all faiths and races to live the American dream right here in Byron City.

This sort of behavior needs to stop. It’s costing the city money, and no one is amused. In an effort to nip this behavior right in the butt, we’ve decided to post some of the offendors that have happened in the city over the past few years so we can crack down on valdals. If you know who is responsible for any of these acts, please let the office of the mayor know at mayorchuckbarther@gmail.com

We do not want citizens collaborating nor listening at STOP signs. We want them stopping.

I agree. We should stop hammertime. But this is neither the time nor the place.

Apparently someone wasn't happy with the amount they were fined for not performing a complete stop at this stop sign.

The answer is of course "no one," but that still doesn't make vandalism ok.

That's just inappropriate. This is a family town.

This type of graffiti happens all too often, most likely the work of our teenage and drunk population. But of course, we admit, sometimes it is our fault:

Traffic was backed up for five hours because of this mistake.

We placed our "Jobs for Illiteracy" candidates elsewhere after this.

We wanted to emphasis the importance of stopping at this intersection by doubling the sign, but unfortunately it came across a little convoluted.

Yea, I don't know how this happened.

So please, respect Byron City, and stop defacing our STOP signs. Also, stop writing “Press Button, Receive Bacon” on the hand dryers in public restrooms. It wasn’t funny the first time I saw it and it still isn’t.

It’s time for the annual Ask the Mayor Anything town hall, where citizens from Byron City gather for a general meeting to ask our Mayor about any city-related topics.

With the republican primary caucus coming up, and Mayor Chuck’s general dislike of meetings, talking to people, and “answering stupid questions,” we thought this would be a great time to use the city blog to have the discussion online! We set up Mayor Chuck with his first ever email address this morning, so he’s ready to go!

To ask Mayor Chuck a question, simply email him at mayorchuckbarther@gmail.com. He’ll then answer most if not all of them right here on the blog! It can be about anything, but those related to Byron City will be answered first.

Most common questions from past Town Halls:

When will the potholes on Baseline Road be fixed?

Why does the stop light on Warren and Jeb Streets just blink red late at night?

General concerns about “the amount of latinos” moving into Byron City South.

Why doesn’t the mall doesn’t have more handicap parking spaces?

Where does the federal government hide the aliens that land in Byron City?

Is water from Crazy Leg Springs turning people gay?

Methods on combating Pres. Obama’s socialist agenda

Progress on finding Barak Obama’s REAL birthplace

General complaints about Barak Obama

City laws regarding the building of personal underground tunnels and shelters

With 100% of the votes counted, actor Taylor Lautner is the projected winner for the republican primary nominee. Ron Paul came in second. We’re pretty sure someone screwed up here.

We think we know what happened. As you know, our Republican Caucus was held at the same time and place as the Valentine’s Day Lover’s Ball. While some were casting their votes in private, solemn booths for the republican nominee, others were voting in glittery, pink boxes on who their dream Valentine’s Date would be. Obviously, someone mixed up a box or two. Or some voters just got confused.

While Taylor Lautner won the caucus, 45% of women chose Mitt Romney as their Valentine, ahead of George Clooney, Robert Pattinson, and Newt Gingrich, who took fourth place. Mitt’s a good looking man, but still, there’s no way this is legit.

Regardless, because of our unreliable and possibly tampered results, the state is not counting the votes from Byron City. Lets try to learn some lessons here for when the general election hits.

Due to an oversight and double-booking, we will be having our town’s Republican Caucus at the same time and venue as our Annual Valentine’s Day Lover’s Ball. Even though the two big events must share a space, this will not deter the romance/patriotism of the evening, as all loved-ones/constituents will enjoy this special night full of enchantment/arguing.

Come dressed to impress/intimidate your sweetheart/opponent. The city will provide plenty of refreshments and a full bar / donations station. The evening will be sure to rekindle the flames of passion/ national pride as you slow dance/chant campaign slogans entwined in the arms of your valentine/allies. You’ll no doubt leave with an image of your lover/Mitt Romney forever emblazoned in your heart.

Registration is $50 per couple, $30 for single tickets, unless you’re coming for the caucus; we can’t legally charge for that.

*Please Note: There will be both kissing booths and voting booths present. Please do not confuse the two.

The City’s Pumpkin Patch Festival went off without a hitch with the minimal amount of pumpkins being used as smashing devices (and no police cars were used as smashing bases, so that’s already a step up from last year), so let’s make sure that this year’s Autumn Enjoyable Trot is just as successful.

As a reminder, children participating in the run MAY wear turkey costumes, but they MUST also wear orange life vests provided by the Lake Drowning Bear Rec Center to avoid both potential hunting accidents by confused hunters and for drowning protection during Bobbing for Apples (in the event that Bobbing for Apples become unsafe and we are forced to change it to Biting for Apples, the life vests will STILL be mandatory). And Bill Grue has assured me that although he will be hiding in the forest watching the events of the Enjoyable Trot unfold through his rifle scope, there will be no gun attached to said scope.

Also, there is no scandal regarding Sir Ryan, and if one more person calls me Pres. Nixon one more time, I WILL have them arrested.

Look, I know people are saying that there’s a scandal behind the reasons why I finally let Ryan (even if he’s knighted by Queen Victoria, I still refuse to call him ‘Sir’) into the city counsel. But it’s simply because Don Chandler has been sick lately and we needed some extra help. PLUS I wanted to show you people how open and accepting I am to people who annoy the hell out of me. It has nothing to do with blackmail or ending the Occupy Byron City movement, although those beer bottles I found in front of City Hall are disgusting (really, Bill?).

Although I appreciate the smiley face, Bill, the fact that the bottles are filled with urine sort of ruins it.

So in short, no scandal, everything is fine, now stop poking your head around things that are none of your business.