Sex is not just about having an orgasm

We usually learn about sex as teenagers, by ourselves. For many young men, it is not about the full experience, but mostly about the orgasm. (And for many teenage boys and girls, it’s also often about not getting caught.) This type of masturbation practice can lead to an idea that sex is only about orgasm.

But sex is much, much more than that. It’s also about the buildup—as well as the connection, pleasure and fun you have during sex. Masters and Johnson conducted studies using an exercise called Sensate Focus, which asked couples to take orgasm out of the equation for a time. Couples reported a more enjoyable experience, one that allowed them to connect on a different level—free from the be pressure to perform.

Of course, having continued sex with a partner when one person is regularly not climaxing can be frustrating. One main reason that happens is the pressure to “perform” in a set amount of time.

For women, the build to an orgasm typically takes 20 to 30 minutes, and involves both mental and physical stimulation. The process is much slower than for men, and the orgasm cannot be rushed. Some women try to keep up with their male partners, only to either overstimulate their clitoris in hopes of reaching orgasm before or at the same time as he does … or they fake it.

But men can have problems with orgasms if they feel rushed, too. Both men and women have erectile tissues. For arousal to happen, the body has to be relaxed enough for blood to flow to the genital area. If the brain tells the body that it is anxious or in a hurry, the brain can signal the fight-or-flight response. When that happens, the body will take the blood from the sexy parts and send it to other parts of the body.

So how do you fix this? You need to take time out of the equation, and communicate. One way to begin, once you’ve started the discussion, is with a version of Sensate Focus: Ask your partner to take some solo time to concentrate on the way it feels to get aroused, and to try to delay the orgasm for as long as possible. This should help him, once with a partner, to delay ejaculation and learn to prolong his erection without climaxing—leaving him better able to enjoy more foreplay and exploration.

For both men and women, it’s crucial to keep in mind that sex is about pleasure, intimacy, connection and fun. Having an orgasm is the icing on the cake, but not the cake itself. The cake is to be eaten slowly and enjoyed, and if you have eaten the cake and then still want the icing … well, it will be waiting for you any time.