She kindly offered me an exclusive excerpt for publication. Having read it I think it is excellent advice so am publishing it here. If the rest of the ebook is of the same standard then I think that many will find it a very useful read.

~ Why most advice about getting your partner to spank you will not get you what you want

Almost all the advice available on how to get your partner to spank you relies on the fantasy that your partner will spank you if you provoke, tempt or tease him into doing so. This advice usually includes a suggestion to do something that annoys him and then tempt him with, “If I were you, I’d spank me for that…” or variations to that effect.

I call this advice the “I Love Lucy” method because it reminds me of the way in which Lucy would misbehave – often it seemed, with a wink and a nod – and Rickie would threaten her with a spanking if she didn’t stop. (By the way, in case you think I’m reading something into the show that isn’t there, you should know that there is at least one and probably more episodes in which Lucy is spanked by Rickie, and the implication is that this is not an unusual or infrequent occurrence. Ah, the Golden Age of television…)

The “I Love Lucy” method is by far the most commonly repeated advice on this subject – but it obviously doesn’t work very well. How do I know this? Because despite the fact that this advice appears on almost every thread or discussion about this subject anywhere, the forums and community boards are still crowded with people frustrated that their partners won’t spank them.

So clearly, this method isn’t working for most (all?) people. And when you take a closer look at it, it’s really no wonder. Classic sitcoms aside, trying to provoke your partner into spanking you is actually more likely to get him not to spank you than anything else!Why? To answer that, let’s closer look at what you’re really doing when you try to provoke a spanking by taunting your partner with misbehavior.

1. You’re getting fantasy confused with reality.

Expecting your partner to spank you without communicating with him first about what you want and whether spanking you will work for him is another example of how we tend to let our fantasies get in the way of our expectations about how real life works.

In our fantasies, we misbehave and our partner instinctively and magically knows just what to do about it. Without hesitation, he becomes the stern disciplinarian and immediately takes charge, giving us the perfect spanking in the perfect way, saying all the right things and leaving us with a sore bottom and that wonderful feeling of fantasy fulfillment. Yum… what a wonderful fantasy! No wonder we get stuck here!

But you probably sense by now that as delicious as this fantasy is, it’s not the way real life works because…

2. You’re not being fair to yourself.

Expecting your partner to get that you want him to spank you just because you tease him with the possibility is a sure route to a disappointing spanking experience – even if he does take you up on your offer.

First of all, he’s probably not going to take you seriously and believe that you really want him to spank you. Why would he? Most guys who aren’t specifically interested in spanking don’t realize that there are actually a lot of women out there who want to be spanked. Guys may fantasize about spanking women, but they also fantasize about having sex with two lesbians, and how often does that realistically happen for the average guy?

Furthermore, most “enlightened” modern guys were raised to believe that what a woman wants most is equality, so naturally, he’s going to assume that you’re kidding at best and at worst, being a tease by making fun of his “macho” tendencies. (we’ll talk more about this in a minute)The odds that he’ll believe you’re serious just because you tease him about spanking you are probably one in a thousand, at least. And even if against all odds, he does try spanking you because you provoked him into it (which would actually be very bad, as you’re about to learn), he’s almost certain to do it “wrong” – thus disappointing you and frustrating him.

Do you really believe that you will get the spanking you want without any specific prior communication with your partner about what you have in mind? That with all of the hundreds of different variations in the spanking experience, your partner will magically somehow, without one word of actual, direct, adult conversation with you, know exactly what you’re asking for and do it the way you want him to?

Not likely! You’ve probably got a better chance of marrying a handsome movie star and moving to a tropical island.

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating here. A satisfying spanking doesn’t just happen because you want it to without any work on your part. A good spanking takes communication, practice and the building of trust between two people. (Remember, even Lucy and Rickie had been together for years working on their spanking relationship before those TV spankings happened!)

Expecting that just by teasing and provoking your partner into spanking you you’re going to get what you want is like expecting to play the piano perfectly the first time you touch the keys – it’s just not going to happen, because…

3. You’re not being fair to him.

You and I may be fully aware of the wonderful benefits and pleasures of spanking, but most of the rest of the world isn’t.

In fact, most of the rest of the world (or at least the western world) sees any form of physical violence against a partner as abuse – and therefore unacceptable and unforgivable. Not to mention that in most of western society, hitting a woman is a felony offense that could land your partner in jail, ruin his reputation, take away his custody of his children (if he has them) and end his career.

Sound like an exaggeration? It’s not.

Expecting your partner to spank you just because you tease him is asking him to take a huge risk. What if he misinterpreted what you wanted and spanked you, when you really were just teasing him? (And how in the world could he possibly know for sure if you haven’t talked with him first?) And what if he spanks you too hard and you feel abused by what he’s done and report him to the police? (And how does he know how hard to spank you if, again, you haven’t talked with him first!!?)

You may think these possibilities are exaggerated and far-fetched, but that’s because you’re probably seeing the whole situation from your perspective. You already know what you want and you already know that you want it. He doesn’t. And he has no reasonable or fair chance of knowing without you coming out and asking him, instead of teasing him about it.

Simply put, it is unreasonable and unfair to your partner to expect him to take a serious risk with his life just on the remote chance that you might seriously want him to spank you.Why is this a remote chance? Why would it be so hard for him to believe that you really, truly want to be spanked? Here’s why:

Because modern men have, by and large, been raised to believe it’s wrong and abusive to hit a woman for any reason at all. Period. End of discussion. This is probably where your man’s head is.

Which means that to get over that pretty strong attitude, he will probably (and should probably) need a very clear and very explicit request from you before he even considers spanking you.And while we’re on the subject here, given the risks involved, any man who is willing to take the chance and spank you without knowing 100% for sure that it’s consensual is probably not someone who is responsible, stable and mature enough to be a good spanking partner. In fact, he may well be an abuser who will hurt you without your consent in other ways as well.

In other words, if you’ve tried the “I Love Lucy” technique and failed, it’s actually a good sign that your partner is responsible, caring and trustworthy enough to be a great spanking partner once you communicate with him about what you want.

The good news is that you don’t have to use this unreliable and dangerous “I Love Lucy” method to get your partner to give you the spankings you need. There is a method for getting what you want that works much, much better – and best of all, will strengthen your relationship rather than endangering it.

5 comments:

Thanks for publishing this exerpt of Vivian's book. The advice is clear and probably helpful. What is obvious is that someone who wants to be spanked has probably thought and fantasised about it for years, in addition to being predisposed to a spanking interest.

For the partner who has not got that predisposition, and hasn't even thought about the subject in a positive light there's little chance of you finishing the race together: you're miles ahead before he's started.

And then when you swap the sexes of the participants it gets even less likely, but that's another story

Back when the I Love Lucy television show originally aired in the 1950s, women didn't have to say, "If I were you, I’d spank me for that…" in order to get bent over for an old-fashioned straightening out. One reason can be found in the name of another television program airing at the same time.

While I Love Lucy was running on CBS, at different times during the same decade both CBS and NBC carried the Father Knows Best series. Although Jim Anderson never laid a disciplinary hand on his dutiful wife Margaret, just the name Father Knows Best typified an era when women deferred to men.

Meanwhile, in front of the small screen, a more likely wording heard in real 1950s households would have been, "I'm going to spank you for that." After all, as veterans of World War II, husbands of the day were accustomed to giving and taking orders. Having been trained to respect their fathers, women married in the 1950s transferred that respect to their husbands.

Despite the author's implication in section quoted her book, spanking wasn't something couples had to practice. Virtually everyone had been spanked growing up. This is perhaps the biggest difference between the 1950s and today. Men and women of previous generations possessed almost equal knowledge concerning how to discipline the fairer sex.

On the one hand, it was not uncommon for men of that generation to have either seen or heard their sisters getting spanked. They also possessed some knowledge of how their parents handled a young woman's prespanking objections. More importantly, despite any initial protests, they knew young women wound up taking their spankings and behaving themselves afterwards!

On the other hand, by the time young women were old enough to marry, most had experienced a belt, a hairbrush, or even a switch that left telltale "marks" where they sat down! They'd also had some experience going bare bottomed over their father's lap. They had been trained how to take a spanking from a man.

Most spankings in the 1950s were for disciplinary reasons. It was simply easy to use and a time-tested method of resolving domestic difficulties at time when divorce was frowned upon, spanking was accepted, and couples were expected to work out their problems privately.

That's not to say that women never wound up with a man between her spread legs after he spanked her. They most certainly did! In the days before the pill, given family size and pre-marital pregnancies, it is safe to say probably quite a number of women got pregnant shortly after being spanked by a man with whom she was already romantically involved.

Also worth remembering is that the period following World War II produced a younger generation of brides than any other time since the late 19th century. Typically, first time brides in the 1940s and '50s were marrying at an age when they could still be legally spanked by their parents. Many were in their late teens. All of this happened at a time when women weren't considered to be legal adults, and still could be legally spanked by their parents, until reaching their 21st birthday.

Relatively young brides in a culture that accepted the spanking resulted in statements such as a husband "picking up where her father left off," and a belief that a conniving woman "didn't get spanked enough when she was growing up." It is from this period that the idea of women as children began to crystalize in popular culture.

Spanking was a widely discussed topic. Until the Sexual Revolution of the 1960s, it was far more socially acceptable to exchange views on spanking than it was to talk about sex!

It wasn't the 1950's was spank-happy. That wasn't necessary. Most women knew they weren't "too old to spank." As a result, they behaved accordingly.

Despite the overacting on television and in movies, if a woman had to take a spanking, she usually did so with as much grace as possible. Consistent with an often repeated phrase of the day, she usually tried to "take it like a woman."

Within this relatively homogeneous disciplinary environment, some variation of the "'I Love Lucy' method" was appropriate. One common test was whether this something the woman's parents would have spanked her or that she would spank her own daughter for doing.

For the most part, society in the 1950s was reading from the same page when it came time for a woman to face the music. On the other hand, in post-Sexual Revolution age of single parents, only children, and politically correct propaganda, women know decidedly more about what it takes to make a woman behave than do men. As a result, no matter how much women may want men to know what to do and when to do it, quite often nothing happens until women share what they know with men.

The Purpose of This Blog

Through writing my blog Pygar - A Kind Dom I receive a certain amount of mail. Some of this mail is asking for my advice and support - occasionally about some serious and difficult subjects. I always try to reply as helpfully as I can but am aware that my knowledge and wisdom is limited.

The purpose of this blog is to air some of these requests for advice publicly - but anonymously. Readers are invited to contribute their advice through the comments. Please ensure that comments are intended kindly and supportively. If I feel that any advice does not meet that requirement I will delete it.

If anybody has a question or problem that they would like airing here - then please email me.

Helpful Books

These books have been recommended by readers of this blog. If you have others to suggest please email me.

The Loving Dominant, by John WarrenSM 101, by Jay WisemanConsensual Sadomasochism, by William A Henkin Ph.D and Sybil HolidayThe New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. HardyThe Master's Manual, by Jack Rinella.Partners in Power: Living In Kinky Relationships, by Jack RinellaDifferent Loving:The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by Gloria Brame, William D. Brame and Jon JacobsScrew the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, by Philip Miller, Molly DevonThe Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. LisztThe Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle

About Me

A Dom who feels he doesn't fit into the mould of "Dom-ness" trying to explore his own nature and feelings and some thoughts about D/s.
Pygar was not a Dom. He was an angel. He was also blind. But he did get to shag Jane Fonda!