Do you New Yark faggots really think you can win anathah Warld Series with Old Man Jetah hawbblin’ around the base paths? I BEG TO DIFFAH! And A-Rawd still slapped the bawll like a faggot in 2004! I SAW IT WHEN I WAWTCHED FOUR-AH DAYS IN AWKTOBAH FAR THE SIXTH TIME LAST NIGHT!

You think you stand a chance when the legendary MEN OF THE SAWX THAT AHHH RED AHHH NAWT IN THE PLAYAWFFS TO HELP ELEVATE YOUR-AH GAME? You people ahhh as naïve as evah! Let me tell you cawkgawbblahs something about how baseball works…

(catches something out of the corner of his eye)

What was that?

(looks again)

(buys 37 Woodhead jerseys for his 37 siblings)

(“Dream Weaver” plays in Tommy’s head)

(rainbows shoot from Woodhead’s asshole)

DANNY WOODHEAD IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHAWT IN THE AHHHHHM THIS GREATRIOT TEAM NEEDS! HE IS OW-AH FOOTBAWLL PEDROIAH! I can feel it! I always know a playah is special when I know I’ll tell my grandkid that I gawt to wawtch him compete! THAT IS DANNY WOODHEAD! I dunno. There-ah is something about this kid that’s special! I can’t put my finger awn it!

Oh yeah. I know. HE’S NO DAHHHKIE!

Finally, a great white running back to cawll ow-ah own! WE DESERVE THIS AFTAH WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CELTICS! Danny Woodhead is a folk hero! A legend! ONLY IN BAWSTON COULD HIS STORY BE TOLD!

(would never say the same thing about Kenneth Darby)

I always thawt Welkah was ow-ah non-dahkie Troy Brown. And now, finally, we have TWO non-dahkie Troy Browns! That is just the kind of great chemistry this team needs! You do NAWT win championships with selfish dahkie wideouts. You can only win titles with GRIT and SCRAPPINESS and awll of the qualities of Bawston you saw while wawtching THE TOWN! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(dips)

Now that we have good ol’ Woody here-ah, we do nawt need that cornrowed jungle monkey Randy Mawss on ow-ah team! THAT MAN IS A CANCAH! CANCAHHHH! We would have awbviously won Supah Bowl Farty Two and gawne 19-0 if we had simply shipped that dahkie back to the Cawngo and had a running back like ol’ Woody on ow-ah side! TYREE NEVAH WOULD HAVE LUCKED INTO THAT HELMET CATCH IN THE FACE OF DANNY WOODHEAD’S TOUGHNESS!

(too stupid to like Coen Brothers movies)

I look at these Pats now and I see a real TEAM! BRADY! WELKAH! WOODHEAD! EDELMAN! It’s a dream cawmbination! My fathah has been waiting far a team like this evah since the Civil Rights Movement! He nevah thawt he’d live to see it! NOW HE CAN DIE IN PEACE!

I think America will grow to love this Pats team once they see them in action. It’s a real unit now. No egos. No sulking. No dahhhkies complaining far more-ah money! What were-ah you gawnna spend yar money awn, dahkie? RIMS AND CHILD SUPPART, THAT’S WHAT!

Randy Mawss nevah undahstood what it takes to be a true Greatriot. He nevah understood what we, THE LEGENDARY FANS OF FACK THE YANKEES NATION, demand of ow-ah players. He was nevah one of us. SO FACK HIM! I HOPE HE DIES! Belichick is, once again, a genius far shipping him out at just the right time! BILL GETS US. Danny Woodhead is ow-ah new hero!

The Karate Kid trilogy is just bettah than Miller’s Cross/Fargo/No Country for Old Men. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

10.06.10 at 9:33 am

She Blinded Me With Violence

Tommy really needs to be Cigar Guy’d.

10.06.10 at 9:35 am

Tracer Bullet

You think the overwhelming whiteness of the Colts offense gives Tawmmy a certain amount of heartburn? Obviously, he has to hate the Colts but how can he in good conscience hate so many honkies in skill positions?

10.06.10 at 9:37 am

TV Steve

I’m having flashbacks to when I lived in Boston. Which is like an old Russian remembering the Gulags.

Child support? I’m kind of surprised Tawmmy gave him that much credit. His love of Woodhead has softened him up.

/AWWW DREAM WEAVAH, I BELIEVE WE CAN REACH THE MOAWRNING LIGHT

10.06.10 at 9:45 am

LaFarvre's Next Injury

Fack the Yankees, indeed.

10.06.10 at 9:46 am

GonePostal

“It’s a dream cawmbination! My fathah has been waiting far a team like this evah since the Civil Rights Movement! He nevah thawt he’d live to see it! NOW HE CAN DIE IN PEACE!”

Oh my yes. This made my morning.

10.06.10 at 9:47 am

Jack Kemp's Hair Part Files

A third rounder?!?! Coach Belichick’s fastball is now Johwn Lackey-esque…

10.06.10 at 9:48 am

Wooderson

Jesus, a 3rd round pick? For one of the best WR’s ever? Gah. the only reason the short white guys get open is because Moss keeps defenses honest. This sucks.

10.06.10 at 9:49 am

TerryMetcalf'sHands

I hope the trade blows up in their face and Moss takes the rest of the season off to sulk.

10.06.10 at 9:52 am

obie

Who the fuck needs Moss when you have Woodhead? We Massholes love our Honkies.

10.06.10 at 9:55 am

johndewar

How many yards will Moss roll up on New England’s craptastic secondary when he plays them in Week 8 for the Vikings? I think it would take Tommy 4 nights in October just to count that high……

/Hiyo!

10.06.10 at 9:55 am

John B

(too stupid to like Coen Brothers movies)

/ steps back
// looks around, smiles
/// slow clap

10.06.10 at 9:55 am

Upstate Underdog

Woodhead is the most beloved RB for the Pats since Craig James.

10.06.10 at 9:56 am

Rakibul Islam

Excellent post as always Drew. But I want to hear from you, as a Vikings fan, what you think of Moss’ return. I expect it will involve many uses of the word “fuck”.

10.06.10 at 9:57 am

El Bandito Blanquito

Run and tell that, Tawmmy. Straight cash.

/Dusts off 84 jersey.
//Realizes it’s the old Vikings jersey.

10.06.10 at 9:57 am

pboy

(too stupid to like Coen Brothers movies)

That was beyond genius there.

10.06.10 at 9:57 am

jackin'4beats

This will be even sweeter when Woodhead gets destroyed going over the middle and his grit is splayed out all over the field. Who will stretch the defense now? Welkah? Jewkah? Herrrrnannndeth? Now I can really hate the Pats with the fire of 1000 burning suns.

Each Tommy from Quinzee article further reinforces my stance that his last name is Simmons. Thanks for the morning guffaws.

10.06.10 at 10:00 am

Rowdy Roddy Peeper

I watched 4 days in October. Those 2 BASTAHN faggots clucking at each other made me want to put my fist through my own face. Their accents are as incoherent as the Irish on Sons of Anarchy.

10.06.10 at 10:00 am

clmetsfan

Only a dahhkie like Mawss would be stupid enough to get roped into paying child suppart far his bastahd kids.

THAT FACKIN’ CUNT WHO I KNOCKED UP ISN’T GETTING SHIT FROM TAWMMY!

10.06.10 at 10:05 am

G-Man

What a stupid, stupid trade for the Patriots.

And Tawmmy is still incoherent in written form (and spoken form too, incidentally).

10.06.10 at 10:27 am

Hochuli's Boner

(too stupid to like Coen Brothers movies)

/makes plans to name next child Drew if a son. (Maybe if a daughter).

10.06.10 at 10:27 am

Doneycat

Time to break out the old Pat Patriot helmets and the all-white road unis, preferably a #57 Nelson or #14 Grogan.

10.06.10 at 10:29 am

crispyaod

Living in CT, I know my fair share of Greatriot fans. One of them actually texted me during MNF this week saying that he needed to go out and buy a Woodhead jersey…..

10.06.10 at 10:34 am

Upstate Underdog

Somewhat similar to crispyoad’s comment, my buddy a Red Sox fan was bragging about how great it was that the Sox played spoiler this weekend by beating the Yankees 2 out of 3 games. Not realizing that Tampa winning had more to do with it. My point is that pretty much all Red Sox fans are like Tommy.

10.06.10 at 10:39 am

Rudeboy

Totally fraudulent. Tommy does not know how to spell ‘naive’, does not know how to pronounce ‘naive’ and sure as hell cannot use it properly in a sentence

10.06.10 at 10:41 am

SoxAndBass

“cawkgawbblahs”

That’s awesome.

@Upstate: Yeah, there are three types of Sox fans. We’ll call them douchebags, Pink Hats, and realists. Thankfully I fall in to the last group as I’m not a racist prick and accept the fact that the team just didn’t have it at all this year. Our buddy Tawmmy here would be in the douchebag category.

/Not buying a Woodhead jersey. Or any jersey for that matter.

10.06.10 at 10:49 am

Destructo-Beam

Yeah, finding out that Simmons doesn’t like the Coen brothers was the last straw for me. Fuck that guy.

10.06.10 at 10:49 am

Billy

To be fair…the Yankees do need to be fucked.

10.06.10 at 10:53 am

PenskeMaterial

It’s pretty good entertainment to watch @SI_PeterKing on Twitter talking about the great work that real sports reporters (Schefter, Glazer) did on getting the details of the trade, and then following it up with a bunch of I-don’t-know’s when it comes to what else might be involved apart from a third rounder. What a newsman!

10.06.10 at 10:53 am

dudebro

While it hurts me emotionally, apparently Moss wanted the trade, and I guess it’s better to get something for him than nothing when he hits free agency.

/at least my Brady jersey will always be relevant
//waits for Brady to get traded for a ham sandwich, a Darth Vader mask, and a 6th rounder

10.06.10 at 10:55 am

Kam Fong as Chin Ho

I’m going to enjoy Belicheck becoming the new Shanahan as soon as Brady retires.

10.06.10 at 11:00 am

Bitter Pats Fan

Someone please tell me what’s going on…. :(

10.06.10 at 11:02 am

Enrico Pallazzo

Move over, Kevin Kolb, because Tom Brady will be throwing but nothing but 5 yard passes for the rest of this non-playoff season!

10.06.10 at 11:02 am

Slothrop

The Pats have become the Sawx under the Yawkees: When in doubt, trade the colored.

10.06.10 at 11:06 am

HarfHarfHarf

Almost spit out coffee at “too stupid to like Coen Brothers movies.” Managed to gain my composure and keep reading. Got to NOW HE CAN DIE IN PEACE and spit it out for reals this time.

Bravo. And somebody owes me $6 to dry clean my shirt.

10.06.10 at 11:17 am

Anonymous Pussytuber

How the fuck do you not know what to think? It’s fucking randy Moss. You just added a huge receiving target for Farve to under throw to in the 4th quarter of the next NFC Championship game! That’s a huge addition!

10.06.10 at 11:19 am

The Next 1

“no country for old men” and “the big lebowski.” most overrated movies in history.

NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!

/i liked “the money pit…”

10.06.10 at 11:20 am

Christmas Ape

If only Camarillo could have been included in the deal, the Pats could run three receiver sets with Welker, Edelman and Camarillo with Gronkowski at tight end and Woodhead in the backfield.

The stupid Coen Brothers could make a movie about it. True Grit sound good?

@Ape, I’m pretty sure Caraillo isn’t white enough. Maybe they could have thrown in Gerhardt and the Pats could have run a split/pro set backfield with him and Woodhead.

10.06.10 at 11:33 am

grungedave

I’m so confused… how do I cheer for Randy Moss but hate Brett Fav-ruh simultaneously now?

/can Favre just get hit by a bus? Please??

10.06.10 at 11:36 am

miamidiesel

I didn’t know how to feel about the trade either Drew, but then I saw this picture of Jaime Edmondson sporting Vikings gear and now I’m almost convinced that the Vikings are both ready to and absolutely deserve to win the Super Bowl. Funny how a redhead with an incredible body can even tempt a man to root for Favre, but here we are.

10.06.10 at 11:45 am

Heath Miller's Crossing Route

I know I’m dumb, but I just read Kenneth Darby’s bio and I still don’t know who he is.