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Topic: SPINOFF - Not Real Family (Read 2947 times)

We are going something very similar to this except that my husband's biological father passed a few days ago.

DH father remarried years and years ago when DH was very young. DH step-mother never considered him part of "her" family. "Her" family consisted of DH father, their child they had together who is about 5 years younger than DH, and her 2 children from a former marriage (one older than DH, one the same age as DH.)

DH did visit his father and family every month and summer when he was a child. Since he's been an adult, we've had very little contact that DH did not originate. Since they moved many states away 25 years ago, we've only had contact with emails occasionally or at the family reunion. These reunions are for DH's father's siblings and their descendants.

At these reunions, DH and his father converse, then when meal time comes, we usually sit with his cousins while DH father and step-mother sit with their "real" family.

Ok, now to the point, DH's father passed and NO ONE personally made a telephone call to let him know. We found out when my DD saw on Facebook that her half-uncle posted that his father had passed on. (Same thing when step-mother passed 3 years ago.)

We asked half-brother why we were not notified when step-mother passed and he said he didn't know how to reach us. We've lived at the same place, had the same phone number for 36 years at that time. Don't know what his excuse is this time.

Since the funeral will be held in far away state, we don't intend on going. There may or may not be a memorial service locally in the near future. (There was for step-mother and we didn't find out until after the fact, so of course we didn't attend.) My feelings are that we won't be told about this one either. If we do find out from other family members, such as cousins, DH still is hurting and doesn't want to attend. I respect his feelings about this, a cousin has said that he should go if there is a local memorial service.

We also have lived in our home and had the same phone number for the past 15 years. I have seen DH's sister 4 times in the past 14 years. We get along great but she asks me for our address and phone number every.single.time.

Even though we are not real enough family to be called personally, the cousin implied that it would be disrespectful of DH father if he did not attend any memorial service should there be one. DH does want to remain on good terms with his extended family, should he suck it up and go?

Make sure that you understand that these same people who could not be bothered to contact him for this will not be bothered for anything else. Going needs to be about his need for closure or whatever he needs, not about making them feel better. This one thing will not change the relationship for the better.

Even though we are not real enough family to be called personally, the cousin implied that it would be disrespectful of DH father if he did not attend any memorial service should there be one. DH does want to remain on good terms with his extended family, should he suck it up and go?

Your answer is in the question, which seems to be more of a family relationship question. What is the etiquette question?

If he does get notified of the memorial, and chooses not to go, his choice should be respected. His cousins have no right to demand his presence just because this was his father. I would assume the family knows how his father and SM treated him?

If he does get notified of the memorial, and chooses not to go, his choice should be respected. His cousins have no right to demand his presence just because this was his father. I would assume the family knows how his father and SM treated him?

Thank you. They only know that SM was not a very nice person, but the cousins really don't know how little contact DH has had with his father.

Make sure that you understand that these same people who could not be bothered to contact him for this will not be bothered for anything else. Going needs to be about his need for closure or whatever he needs, not about making them feel better. This one thing will not change the relationship for the better.

Agreed. He doesn't "owe" them his presence when nobody could be bothered to let him know that his father died.

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