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The QC, Vol. 84, No. 24 • April 1, 1998 ('April Fool's Issue')

1998_04_01_p001

LEGE
M-
■ Doubtful
Despite Gwen's grandfather alum, we are
certain No Doubt will
never play at Whittier.
S P O R
T S
■ Bad Sports
e/gi
After years of
mediocre sports
teams, the Whittier
College Athletic
Department
decides to give up.
nw
The Underbelly Of The Campus Since 1914
OPINION TOPIC
FOOLS RUSH IN
Students and faculty discuss
plans to hunt down, torture and
sue QC editors for mean-spirited
and unfunny April Fool's issue.
c
AMI
' UJS A
1*
■ Exposed!
>C%
wp ^
Rich Millman's
^m
shocking affair
with Pamela
r
Anderson Lee.
Dorm Found West Of Wanberg COR Allocates 61 % of Funds
Stupid Idiots Cant Fill Out Forms Properly
■ CAMPUS
A small residence hall was
discovered just west of Wanberg
Hall by a group of students last
week while walking to the tennis
courts.
"It was just sittingthere, across
from the Speech Clinic on Earlham," freshman Ben Brodsky-
Porges said. "You could imagine
our surprise when we saw it."
The newly found dorm, according to the sign above its front
door, is named Campbell Hall. The
Quaker Campus (QC) has been
unable to communicate with the
hall's residents, as they speak only
gibberish and broken English.
The three-story building houses about 30 students, who seem to
spend their time smoking, speaking gibberish and hanging out both
in front of Campbell and Redwood Halls.
College Provost Richard Mill-
man said that the administration is
looking into the situation. "We're
just as confused as everybody
else," he said. "So far, we haven't
been able to find [the students']
names in the Business Office and
Registrar files, which means that
■ COR
asses," he said.
:
er went
5 cheat-
Campbell Hall, found on Tuesday, is a mystery to students.
Ctnvas Dabbs / QC Photo Editor
they don't pay tuition or attend
regularclasses. We're looking into
other departments which have
their own billing systems, such as
Conferences and Athletics."
"For now," Millman continued, "all we can do is ignore them."
Through a series of investigative visits, the gChas learned that
Campbell Hall seems to function
in a primitive state, without modern conveniences such as hot water and pool tables. However, one
second-floor room, which might
serve as a sort of communal space
for the residents, contains a big
screen television.
Manager of Campus Facilities Dan Peterson has been inside
the building: "Yes. they have a
TV, but it seems to be designed
only to broadcast MTV," he said.
"This may give us insight into
their strange culture."
Millman has asked the College's sociology professors to investigate the society of Campbell
Hall. As of press time, no professors have expressed interest in
studying the building.
Professor of Sociology Sal
Johnston is tentative: "It's just too
weird," she said, shaking her head.
"It's too, too weird."
'COP 'insure; K=-jU: -C^
said, "but wc ain't about to give
it to idiots who don't know how
to fill out forms,"
Fisher explained that the
■ . ■ ■ TO V . TO ;
ria for allocating fund1 !<•■ mak-
Form has all the vital information, such as the date the money
will be used and what the money
will be used for. "If you can't
figure that out." he said, "you
just don't deserve to be funded—so don't come bitching to
■TOTO,"-
Student Body President Karl
Robinson agiccd' "Apparently,
we have a campus lull of dumb-
•hu :■:-•-'."■■."■' :" ■' ■• -TO/'"'-, to
Grccnleafs after a long day of
allocating funds.
"After vvcgotw3sted,"Fish-
cr continued, "wc came hack to
the office and realized we hnd
forgotten to allocate funds for
SOMA [StudentsOrganized! for
Multicultural Awareness].
'TO "to' to ' to" ' TO :;
'. .,.. . .■',
Society Council Introduces New 'Pay For Friends' Plan
SOCIETIES
After months of consideration, the Inter-Society Council
(I.S.C.) today unveiled a new "pay
for friends" plan, in which students will be allowed to join school
societies and enjoy greatly increased popularity after simply
news
you can use
■ Parody Is Exempt
from Libel
Before you consider slapping
a lawsuit on us, remember
that parody huraor is protected under the laws of our
land, and is not libelous. It is
your God-given right to hate
us if you choose, but it'd be
better if you just laughed.
paying an admission fee.
"Since Whittier is a small, isolated school,oursocieties don't have
finances or membership enough to
engage in carefree, non-stop partying like fraternities or sororities at
largerschools,"I.S.C.Presidentand
Penn Society member Raymond
Walker said. "We didn't think that
was fair—and this seemed like the
perfect solution."
According to Walker, basic
membership which includes a
bumper sticker, a personalized t-
shirt and posting of one's photograph on the society bulletin board
outside the C.I., has been set at a
minimum of $ 1000 a year or approximately $30 a week.
Perks such as society office
or access to secret term-paper
vaults will be proportionately
more expensive.
"It may seem a bit costly,"
Walker said, "but when you take all
the benefits into account—weekly
parties, a heady sense of belonging,
Originally thought to be a senseless act of grafitti last year,
it turns out that this was in fact an early draft of the plan.
never having to eat alone in the
C.I.—it's really just pennies aday."
Dozens of currently unpopular
but hopeful students have already
been in contact with society representatives.
"This works out great for me,"
freshman Jon Hustad said. "I'm
emotionally, socially and intellectually no more sophisticated than a
13 year-old boy. I am also, however, extremely wealthy. I plan to join
a society to facilitate my getting
chicks."
Society reaction was mixed.
"This is every society's dream
come true," said Lancer president
and senior Jascha Kaykas-Wolff.
"Now we have the finances to make
our lives more like a beer commer
cial than ever."
According to Wolff, the Lancers have already begun construction of a multi-level volleyball/
swimming pool/micro-brewery
complex and plan to purchase a
fleet of "hot rod" muscle cars and a
private helicopter.
"The bikini babes will not be
far behind," he said.
Orthogonian president Mike
Sarmiento was less enthusiastic,
however: "We've already been deluged with dozens of pimply-faced
mama's boys who think they can
cultivate a 'macho' image by joining the O's," he said.
Associate Professor of Business Administration Mary Finan
sees the plan as a logical evolution:
"We already indirectly pay for
friends by purchasing expensive
fashions, flashy cars and personal
hygiene products so we can attract
certain sorts of people. This plan
simply reduces such social interaction to an elegant minimum."
ISSUE 24 • VOLUME 8

LEGE
M-
■ Doubtful
Despite Gwen's grandfather alum, we are
certain No Doubt will
never play at Whittier.
S P O R
T S
■ Bad Sports
e/gi
After years of
mediocre sports
teams, the Whittier
College Athletic
Department
decides to give up.
nw
The Underbelly Of The Campus Since 1914
OPINION TOPIC
FOOLS RUSH IN
Students and faculty discuss
plans to hunt down, torture and
sue QC editors for mean-spirited
and unfunny April Fool's issue.
c
AMI
' UJS A
1*
■ Exposed!
>C%
wp ^
Rich Millman's
^m
shocking affair
with Pamela
r
Anderson Lee.
Dorm Found West Of Wanberg COR Allocates 61 % of Funds
Stupid Idiots Cant Fill Out Forms Properly
■ CAMPUS
A small residence hall was
discovered just west of Wanberg
Hall by a group of students last
week while walking to the tennis
courts.
"It was just sittingthere, across
from the Speech Clinic on Earlham," freshman Ben Brodsky-
Porges said. "You could imagine
our surprise when we saw it."
The newly found dorm, according to the sign above its front
door, is named Campbell Hall. The
Quaker Campus (QC) has been
unable to communicate with the
hall's residents, as they speak only
gibberish and broken English.
The three-story building houses about 30 students, who seem to
spend their time smoking, speaking gibberish and hanging out both
in front of Campbell and Redwood Halls.
College Provost Richard Mill-
man said that the administration is
looking into the situation. "We're
just as confused as everybody
else," he said. "So far, we haven't
been able to find [the students']
names in the Business Office and
Registrar files, which means that
■ COR
asses," he said.
:
er went
5 cheat-
Campbell Hall, found on Tuesday, is a mystery to students.
Ctnvas Dabbs / QC Photo Editor
they don't pay tuition or attend
regularclasses. We're looking into
other departments which have
their own billing systems, such as
Conferences and Athletics."
"For now," Millman continued, "all we can do is ignore them."
Through a series of investigative visits, the gChas learned that
Campbell Hall seems to function
in a primitive state, without modern conveniences such as hot water and pool tables. However, one
second-floor room, which might
serve as a sort of communal space
for the residents, contains a big
screen television.
Manager of Campus Facilities Dan Peterson has been inside
the building: "Yes. they have a
TV, but it seems to be designed
only to broadcast MTV," he said.
"This may give us insight into
their strange culture."
Millman has asked the College's sociology professors to investigate the society of Campbell
Hall. As of press time, no professors have expressed interest in
studying the building.
Professor of Sociology Sal
Johnston is tentative: "It's just too
weird," she said, shaking her head.
"It's too, too weird."
'COP 'insure; K=-jU: -C^
said, "but wc ain't about to give
it to idiots who don't know how
to fill out forms,"
Fisher explained that the
■ . ■ ■ TO V . TO ;
ria for allocating fund1 !