A journal of healing

I took a day off on Friday. The weather was somewhat cooperative as the day reached 50 degrees. I do not focus on myself easily and I need to do that more often. I also encourage people to spend a day focused on one’s own good as it is healthy.

I got up almost two hours later. I had the house to myself as my husband went to work. This was a requirement to have the place and day to myself. When he is around, it changes the whole dynamic. I made my coffee and checked into my work email. I needed to do that. Otherwise I would perseverate on what was in there. This allowed me the freedom to move on.

One of the big issues I have, and I know I am not alone in this, is focusing on my own needs. I think in general, women struggle with this. Because of my history, making time for me often comes with a big helping of guilt. But I am not happy when I am martyring myself. I get angry and defensive. I have to really dig deep to understand that my anger is because I am allowing the world to dictate my life again. I need to step back and take control. This does not mean I throw a hissy fit. I just declare in my head to treat myself like I would treat someone else.

I had a hairdresser appointment. This was another big deal in the “treat myself better day”. I have long multicolored hair that I have colored since I was 14. It has grown in with many different shades as I aged. It is dark in the back where it has grown out. But it has this awful shade of silver running through it. In front, I am totally white. I let it grow out a bit to see what was happening and there were too many varying degrees of color. So I had it professionally done to be more blonde so the white will not be so apparent. I did not know the hairdresser at all but she did a lovely job. I was uncomfortable for most of the two hour appointment until I saw the finished color and then relaxed. I actually enjoyed her drying it with a soft brush and it totally relaxed me. That is also unusual. I do not do well with people I do not know touching me.

I do other things that are totally selfish and a gift to me from me. I buy flowers to have next to me in my writing spot. I have someone come walk the dogs most days I work so they are calmer when I get home. I have a housecleaner who comes every other week. That was a big decision and one I do not regret now. I cannot breathe when I dust. I struggle with activity and I have to measure my day so I am not in great pain. Cleaning is not something I enjoy so I pay someone who does like it to do it. They get money and I get a break. I had to come to a point where I saw it as a totally fair and good deal all around. It took quieting the voice in my head that put a failure judgement on not being able to take care of my own house.

This week was also frustrating because of my Weight Watchers (WW) project. I have been steadily losing a bit every week. Monday I got on the scale and was up 2.8 pounds. Up! Yikes. Next day I was up 5.8 pounds. Talk about putting yourself into a bad mood. That was over 8 pounds. It did not help that I felt terrible on top of it because my shot is at its end. But I did not have edema at all. Tuesday is my WW meeting and I lost a .5 pound for the week according to her scale. I do terrible with the weigh in at the meetings so I do not get worked up. I had been doing WW for six weeks before the meetings started so I go by my home weigh in. The stress from the weigh in at the meetings has been an issue every time I have done WW. I finally figured out the scale at home was broken. I got a new scale, same WW model as before, and stepped up. As I figured, I was down my usual amount making a total of 20.5 pounds lost. That pleases me. I do not feel like I have lost that much and it is a drop in the bucket so to speak. But it is a project that will be part of my life. This too is also treating me better.

All of this is basic self-compassion. I need to work on doing good things for myself. In truth, no one else will treat you any different than the way you treat yourself. And in the end of time, the only person who is accountable for your welfare is you.