Holy crap yourself worse than eating KFC BATMAN. It’s starting! “What’s starting” you ask? Haven’t you been paying attention? The dogdamned zombie apocalypse, that’s what! Let me start at the very beginning so you can clear the bong resin from your brainmeat.

Apparently, there’s some little bastard of a pet Hamster in the UK that dropped dead, suffered rigor mortis, was buried, and emerged from his grave 1 day later.
The family claims the hamster Rhino, was clearly dead. The 4 year old hamham’s cold, stiff ass was buried in the family backyard in the finest of Tupperware.

On the 2nd day, he allegedly rose from the dead. Rhino chewed his way out of the container and burrowed back up through the soil.
In honor of his re-birthday the family renamed Rhino. What’s the new moniker they gave him? You guessed it, Jesus.

Other than almost losing my two eyeballs due to the fact they almost rolled the fuck out of my head, I’m dubious. I don’t buy that furry asshole’s ” hey I was dead you guys, but now I’m alive again” bullshit for one second.

What if Hamster boy was just faking his death? Can we be 100% sure that Rhino wasn’t just trying to avoid pulling a “Richard Gere”? I mean look at this dickbag…

If you had the potential at any moment of going up this man’s ass for sexual pleasure, wouldn’t YOU fake your own death?

I’m going to choose to believe this shit ain’t real, because the truth is, if this fucking hamster came back to life, we’re not only going to have to devote an entire religion to his fluffy ass, it also means curtains for humanity.

Today it’s the lowly hamster nibbling his way back to life, tomorrow it’s your Great Aunt Patty and by the end of the year it’ll be Hitler and an Army of Mongolian Warriors coming to munch on yer brains.

I hope this shit is fake. For all that’s worth living for on this dump of a planet, I’m praying that Rhino the hamster is fist bumping his friends in the wood shavings on a fake death gag job well done.

Rhino, please be just pulling everyone’s dick with that whole rigor mortis dead shit. Otherwise? it’s only a matter of time before we’re all molested by Thriller-video era Michael Jackson and his lovable gang of dancing dead people.