March 2, 2016 10:06 AM

Many of my Shadow traits were revealed by simply examining my life for negative patterns, but a few came out through the use of Holosync.

I’m no psychologist, so take the following for what it’s worth. Here’s how I dealt with my Shadow traits…

Broader lessons:

All of my Shadow traits involved relationships (social, family, or romantic). I suppose Shadow traits can arise from non-relationship situations, but I have no experience with them.

All involved an ideal assumption. Ie: “X should be this (ideal) way.”

All were resolved by either balance or avoidance. It can be argued that avoidance isn’t a healthy resolution to the Shadow trait, but in some cases it is either the only practical way (as in the case of addictions), or as a stop-gap measure until a healthier balance can be found.

Technique

Source: Try to find the source of the pattern/Shadow trait. This will often be a repressed memory or pattern of memories.

Reversal: Try to see the Source from the other person’s perspective.

Ideal Assumption: Examine your inner ideal assumption. See how this assumption is screwing up your life.

Resolution: Either find the “hidden jewel” (a balanced, positive trait) in the Shadow or avoid the situation altogether.

My Shadow Traits (Negative Patterns)

Being too Nice

Patterns: People would use me by taking advantage of my niceness. In romantic relationships, women would dump me because I gave them everything they wanted.

Source: Trying to be a “good boy” as a child to gain love of mother.

Reversal: Mom was just a human being and couldn’t show her love all the time (as a young child expects).

Ideal Assumption: Being nice returns love to you and makes your world feel better.

Resolution: Toughen up (Jewel, sort of).

Being too Tough

Patterns: Tough, strong attitude. Didn’t need or want anyone.

Source: Reaction to being too nice.

Reversal: People instinctually (unconsciously) take advantage of weakness.

Ideal Assumption: If you’re not tough, people will walk all over you.

Resolution: Found harmony between strong and loving. Kind and caring, but still able to say No. (Jewel)

Being too Perfect

Patterns: Be the best at every mental challenge. Find the best solution faster and cleaner than anyone else.

Source: Only felt praise from father when I accomplished something successfully. I wasn’t physically competitive, but was mentally, so put most my energy to study and grades.

Reversal: Dad prided and always talked of his “wins” so naturally he found pride in his children’s wins.

Ideal Assumption: You’ll only be loved if you win.

Resolution: Saw the error of the assumption and found happiness with “good enough.” (Jewel)

Relationship/Spiritual Growth dilemma

Patterns: Would date women for 1-3 months then break up with them.

Source: Romantic relationships took me away from the alone time I had always used for spiritual inquiry and growth.

Reversal: These women were simply pursuing the (healthy) relationship dream of family, commitment, and a future together.

Ideal Assumption: Spiritual growth requires dedicated alone time.

Resolution: Avoid relationships so as not to hurt more women. (Avoidance. As I mentioned above, it’s a stop-gap. It’s not perfect, but it keeps me from hurting more women until I can find a healthier, more balanced solution.)

Important:The past can never be fixed. The Sources of your Shadow traits aren’t something that can be corrected, but the ideal assumptions behind them can be corrected. Indeed, examining the Assumption and trying to see the Source from the other person’s perspective (the Reversal) are often the keys to finding the “jewel” within the darkness of the Shadow.

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2 thoughts on “How I Dealt With My Shadow”

Hi Wayne, as an active fellow of Alcoholics Anonymous, the step work you describe reminds me of the 12 steps. However, the shadow works seems to be more encompassing whereas doing the inventory (steps 4 – 10) focusses on people I´ve wronged and amends. Doing the inventory with my sponsor also helped to uncover unconscious assumptions and motives.

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