Dean Lombardi Talks With Scott Howson…

February 21. 10:30pm. The phone on Dean Lombardi’s desk rings. A hand reaches up and slaps it until the speaker button is pressed.

Dean: “What!?”

Secretary: “Mr. Lombardi?”

Dean: “Yeeeees…”

Secretary: “Um. Sir. I have a Mr. Scott Howson on the phone.”

Dean: “Who?”

Secretary: “Scott Howson, sir…I believe he is the GM of the Blue Jackets.”

Dean: …

Secretary: “…the Columbus Blue Jackets…Rick Nash, sir.”

Dean: “Oh! Oh! Rrrrrrick Nash. Yeah! What about him?”

Secretary: “He is on the phone, sir.”

Dean’s head pops up above his desk. He sets the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels within reach. “Rick Nash is on the phone? Holy shit, he wants to come here! I am going to get Rick Nash! Ah ha ha ha, suck it Elliott! Put him through!”

Secretary: “Sir, it’s not Rick Nash on the phone, it’s Scott Howson.”

Dean [stumbles into his chair]: “What!? Why did you tell me Rick Nash is on the phone you sadistic bitch?”

Secretary: “I didn’t sir.”

Dean: “Shut up! Stop talking! I have to think…”

Secretary: “Would you like me to take a message?”

Dean: “No, no. This may be important…who is it again? Nevermind, nevermind, I got it. Put him through.”

[Call transfers]

Dean: [clears throat] “Hello.”

Howson: “Jesus, about time. What are you doing? Getting a blow job?”

Dean: [checks under his desk] “No. What’s up Scotty? Like what you saw with Jack?…”

Dean: “Fuck yeah, I would. I hate that son of a bitch and his agent too. Hold out on me, I will send your ass to the hockey hell that is Columbus! Bam!”

Howson: “That’s not funny.”

Dean: “Sorry Rick.”

Howson: “Scott.”

Dean: “Right. So, what do you say? Doughty for Nash. A blockbuster. That ought to shut Elliott up, what could she write after that?”

Howson: “Your obituary. But hey, if you’re serious, I can take this to the ownership and see if they bite. What are you paying him?”

Dean: “Seven undeserved fucking million a season for eight looong seasons.”

Howson: “You’re not doing a very good job selling this to me, Dean.”

Dean: “Stupidity sells itself Scotty boy. If you worked for Leiweke and Anschutz, you would already know that.”

Howson: “Okay, I’ll get back to you.”

Dean: “NO! Wait!! I want Carter too.”

Howson: “For what?”

Dean: “What do you mean for what? For Doughty.”

Howson: “Carter and Nash for Doughty? You have to throw in more than that.”

Dean: “How about Kopitar?”

Howson: “Gasper?”

Dean: “Fuck! How did you know I meant that?”

Howson: “Jesus, are you drunk?”

Dean: “No! No. No” [blows a kiss at the bottle of Jack] “Maybe.”

Howson: “I can’t do this until you’re sober. I need to know you’re serious about Doughty for Nash.”

Dean: “Hey! I am dead fucking serious, okay? This is a good trade. You get an overpaid, overhyped, prima donna represented by Don Meehan, good luck in eight years by the way when Drew’s contract expires assuming Columbus still has a team and you’re not a scout in the ECHL or some shit, and I get…Rick come to papa Nash…”

Howson: “Yeah, anyway, call me tomorrow and we’ll talk, if you still remember this conversation.”

Dean: “Yes! No. It all makes sense now. We will trade teams. It’s a fresh start, don’t you see? You will get the disaster I built from the back end out without offense and I will get that abortion of a hockey team you have. It’s like a second chance for us both. Oh, Leiweke is going to LOVE this. What’s your payroll?”

Howson: “About sixty two million.”

Dean: “WHAT? Are you fucking serious? You are paying…you have a payroll of sixty two million and you are at the bottom of the league? And Leiweke calls me an idiot? Man, you are like Penner sized stupid. How are you still employed you dumb shit?”

Howson: “Hey, I don’t have to take this from you. This conversation is over.”

Dean: “Bernier, Johnson and a first for Carter.”

Howson: “Done.”

Dean: “I’ll send you the papers tomorrow morning.”

Howson: “Deal.”

[hangs up]

Dean sits back in his chair with a smile that slowly turns to horror and the realization…”oh my God! What the fuck have I done? Damn you Bobby Scribe! Damn you for making me insane!!”