Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Like Two Bulls in a Small Pen

“Be thankful for every heartbreak, for they were
planned. They come into your life just
to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. Their purpose is to shake you up, tear apart
your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart
open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you
have to transform your life. And you do.” I would give credit to the author here, but I
got this from Pinterest and no author was listed…

Let it go on the record…I, Aleta Kaylee, am not the best at
discernment. Discernment is simply not
my gift. For others, red flags and
warnings and alarms can be going off and I will sit there blissfully unaware,
dazed by the newness and shininess of a new person.

That dazed state is a pretty accurate description for myself
for the past few months. Perhaps I had
simply been optimistic. Perhaps I had
really only scratched the surface with the person that I’d been spending time
with. (Shrugs sholders). Who knows?

Hindsight is 20/20.
Looking back now, there were so many signs that I had missed; or things
that I didn’t analyze that I should have.

Things had begun going south about a month ago, but as I sat
at my friend’s wedding recently, I began reflecting…and I began thinking about
what I needed and what was really lacking.

I think in any friendship, relationship, what have you, you
will sometimes learn new things about yourself…and this had been no
different.

Now, while I have not been blessed with the gift of
discernment, I have been blessed with the gift of encouragement. I am always very forthcoming with
compliments. I love to give them. I love to build people up. In turn, something that I realized I
desperately needed in a relationship was compliments.

Call me vain all you like… I may be a chubby girl, but I put
a lot into my outfits daily….ESPECIALLY when I go out. It may seem like such a small, superficial
thing, but for me…Very few things make me happier than if I have a headband,
necklace, and purse to perfectly match my dress. I put a lot into my outfits. Frankly, in this day and age, where dressing
like a homeless person is almost celebrated, I think that for one to put so
much thought into their outfit…well, it SHOULD be acknowledged. If you see that I have in any way dressed up
or “gussied up something special” for you, I would like for it to be
acknowledged. It is nice for the little
things to be noticed.

Perhaps I’m vain, but even a “you look nice” wouldn’t have
been that bitter to roll off the tongue.
What I got was “I’m no good with compliments.” Frankly, I think at the very heart of the
matter, it was more of a power play.

Also, I’m finding that I am an extremely extroverted
person. I thrive when my schedule is chock
full of social events and meetings with friends. Again, this may seem silly or frivolous to
some, but I enjoy “peopling” my life as much as I possibly can. While
I understand that not everyone is like me in that, it is something that I truly
enjoy.

Although I already knew this little tidbit about myself…it
has become abundantly clear. I, Aleta
Kaylee, am a control freak. Before you
begin chanting “amen” and vigorously nodding your head, I want it to go on
record…he was too. While I may can dress
the part of a 60s housewife…I am wholeheartedly an independent, free-thinking,
foul-mouthed, full of sass, millennial.
And him? Well, he is a man with
the mentality of a man in the 1960s. Neither
are bad things…neither of us are bad people…or “wrong” in our line of
thinking. However, in retrospect, I’d
say we got along about as well as 2 bulls in a small pen about 60 percent of
the time.

Finally, the last thing that I can say that I’ve learned is…I
am very okay with myself. I know, I’m
overweight. I know that I have flaws. But I am very confident in the skin I’m
in. There are things I want to change,
sure…but I am “okay” with myself. And
that, in itself, is becoming a rarity in this day and age. I hope that in relationships/friendships to
come, no matter the opinion of another, I hope that I will not lose sight of
that.

To end this, I will say that in every “parting of the ways”
there is always a bit of grief. A person’s
absence, whether it be a friend or more, leaves a bit of a void, and takes a
part of you with them. Who you were at
that very point in time, when you were with that person, you will never be
exactly that person again. There is a
loss there, and a bit of grief. But we
learn, we grow, and we move on.