2007

And there will be The Non-Prophets. And the hosts shall be two, and their names shall be Denis Loubet and Matt Dillahunty. And their voices shall reach the four corners of the earth on the 26th day of the month of May in the year 2007 from what will be the humble Dillahunty International Studios in the city of Austin in the land of Texas. And when that day comes, Run DMC, 'Raisin' Hell', will be the herald of their words.

And yea, there will be a great Atheist Community of Austin, a non-profit educational organization promoting positive atheism and the separation of church and state, that will grant the Non-Prophets their powers. And lo, the Atheist Community of Austin shall have a happy hour at the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30 p.m. for song and all manner of mischief. And for more revelations, the number of the ACA voice mail is 512-371-2911. Or consult the mystic oracle at www.atheist-community.org.

On that most auspicious day, one would be poor if one did not hear their words as they would speak them live, every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30 p.m. central standard time. Indeed, one would soon cast their own wits to be trampled underfoot if one did not participate in the show by logging in to the chat room. To find out how, one must seek the Non-Prophets page at www.nonprophetsradio.com.

And are we The Non-Prophets? I don't know. What are the odds that out of the six and a half billion people scattered over the face of the earth, two guys named Denis Loubet and Matt Dillahunty would be hosts of an Internet show, along with their producer, Russell Glasser, on the 2nd of June, 2007, and that it would be broadcast from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, of all places?

What are the chances that the intro music would be 'Viento del arena' by the Gypsy Kings? And what's the likelihood that all this would be sponsored by a non-profit educational organization called the Atheist Community of Austin that promotes not only positive atheism, but also the separation of church and state?

Sound far-fetched yet? Consider the fact that the show just happens to be broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, and that a specific few will even participate in the live broadcast by just chancing to visit the Non-Prophets' page at www.nonprophetsradio.com and logging in to the chat room according to the instructions found there?

Think about it. Denis Loubet alone is the result of an unbroken chain of successful ancestral reproduction going back four and a half billion years to the first replicating molecule. And that's just me! Matt's and Russell's ancestors all did the same thing. For four and a half billion years, they all managed to avoid being eaten by that sabertooth, or stepped on by that apatosaurus, or asphyxiating when they crawled out of that slime before they successfully produced young. Our ancestors couldn't make a single mistake for four and a half billion years! Three times!

The odds against this are astronomical. And that's not even taking into account our listeners. All of them are the result of the same unlikely four billion year chain of events. It's freakin' impossible.

And I'm not even addressing the issues of the atoms necessary for all this being in place after having been forged in the hearts of exploding stars billions of years ago from hydrogen condensed from a fireball of a Big Bang.

And now wrap your brain around this kicker: the Atheist Community of Austin has a happy hour! It's at the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30. There's no way this is chance.

The fact that we're here talking to you now is essentially impossible. The odds against this being the exact state of the universe is far too great, and there's only one conclusion that can be reached: the universe was designed for The Non-Prophets.

And we are The Non-Prophets. Or at least that's apparently what we want you to believe. How do you know that I'm Denis Loubet, or that he's Matt Dillahunty, and not just some guy named Eddie we pulled off the street?

Heck, when we tell you that it's the 16th of June, 2007, do you just believe us, even though you know full well that this show could have been recorded prior to that date? Face it: you have no idea if this show is coming to you live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas or not. Just like you have no idea if the intro music is really 'My Doorbell' by the White Stripes.

And sure, we'll tell you that the show is sponsored by a non-profit organization called the Atheist Community of Austin that promotes positive atheism and the separation of church and state, but have any of you actually checked to see if there is an Atheist Community of Austin? Sure, there's probably a web page, www.atheist-community.org, but anyone can put up a web page, right?

And there's all sorts of ways we can make it seem more plausible, like for instance mentioning that the ACA has a happy hour at the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30. That's a cute little detail that adds authenticity to the story, but have you actually been there at 7:30 to see if there's atheists present? Have you even checked to see if the Dog and Duck exists at all?

Now, you might think that since people can log on to the Non-Prophets' chat room as we broadcast every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, and we mention what listeners say in the chat, that some of what we say has to be true. But we could be making it all up. We could have fabricated the whole idea that you can log in, following the directions at www.nonprophetsradio.com, and just made up the listener comments. Even if you checked, and we really seem to have a chat room, and you thought you logged in to it, how do you know all the other chatters were real, and not some people we paid to provide the illusion of a chat room?

I'm not even going to mention how easy it is to fake listener mail. So just go ahead and continue to arbitrarily believe everything we tell you. It's good for you. Really.

We are, inevitably, The Non-Prophets. I have to be Denis Loubet, and he has to be Matt Dillahunty, and we have to be your hosts on this day, the 30th of June, 2007, and we had no choice but to be broadcasting from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, and what you heard could be nothing but 'Idiots Rule' by Jane's Addiction.

In fact, the initial conditions of the Big Bang have determined that the Non-Prophets are simply an unavoidable effect of the Atheist Community of Austin which is, inescapably, a non-profit educational organization which promotes positive atheism and the separation of church and state.

It is also impossible for me to avoid mentioning that the Atheist Community of Austin has a happy hour held at the only time and place it can be held: the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30.

This necessary chain of cause and effect that stretches back 13 billion years determines not only that the Non-Prophets are broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, but also makes it inevitable that some few listeners will participate by logging in to the chat room after reading the instructions found at the Non-Prophets' page at www.nonprophetsradio.com.

So since we are nothing but cogs in the vast machine of the universe, I can do nothing but welcome all the cogs listening to this part of the machine.

And you will believe we are The Non-Prophets. Hi! I'm Denis Loubet, and he's Matt Dillahunty, and by the grace of the ACA, we're going to be your hosts today.

The ACA has deemed it fit that we broadcast from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, and that it's the 14th of July, 2007. By the authority of the ACA, the music you heard was 'The Show Must Go On' by Pink Floyd.

The ACA is, of course, the Atheist Community of Austin, and we serve at its pleasure. The ACA is a non-profit organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state, and these truths cannot be disputed.

Know that by sovereign right, the ACA favors the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30 for its happy hour. The ACA also grants to us the chat room instructions at www.nonprophetsradio.com so that all may participate.

By the will of the ACA, we broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30. So listen well to the words of the Non-Prophets, lest you forfeit what grace the ACA, in its infinite mercy, has granted you.

And we don't believe we're The Non-Prophets, because we don't believe anything.

Hi! I'm Denis Loubet, and he's Matt Dillahunty, and we're your gods for today. Although we have no purpose, we're broadcasting anyway from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, on the 28th of July, 2007.

Of course, what we really want to be doing is raping and killing. And pillaging. And watching Battlestar Galactica. And even though we're unable to appreciate the beauty of it, the music you heard was 'The Sultans of Swing' by Dire Straits.

This show is sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, a non-profit Stalinist organization that wants to evangelize the religion of atheism under the guise of defending the separation of church and state by making prayer a capital crime. The ACA hosts a happy hour at the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30, where we can share our stories about the traumas we've suffered that made us mad at God.

Because we have no morals, The Non-Prophets broadcasts live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30. And since monkeys are social creatures, you can participate in our shit-throwing chat room by reading the instructions at www.nonprophetsradio.com and logging in.

So unless you want another hurricane or 9/11, you better listen to how we baby-eaters deny the god we believe in so that you can do anything you want.

And because we're The Non-Prophets — plural — there's at least two of us!

And because The Non-Prophets needs hosts, I'm Denis Loubet and he's Matt Dillahunty.

And since we're broadcasting live from the Dillahunty Studios in Austin, Texas, that means it's the 11th of August, 2007, and the music you're listening to is 'Wonderous Stories' by Yes.

Because the Atheist Community of Austin sponsors this show, it's a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state.

And because the ACA has a happy hour, there's a pub called the Dog and Duck where we meet for it at 7:30 every Thursday evening. And as a result of there being the website www.atheist-community.org, and ACA voice mail at 512-371-2911, you can contact those places for more information!

Seeing as this is a podcast, we broadcast live every other Saturday from 2 to 3:30, and often beyond.

And because there are instructions on how to participate in the show live at www.nonprophetsradio.com, there's a chat room you can log into to do it.

And so, because you can sit back, enjoy the show.

Closing

Since I'm thanking you, you listened to the show! And because there's a point in time two weeks from now, we'll see you then! I'm Denis Loubet, because he's Matt Dillahunty! Buh-Bye!

And we are the Non-Prophets, because if we weren’t, the terrorists would win.

I better be Denis Loubet, and he better be Matt Dillahunty, and he better be our special guest Russel Glasser, otherwise our parents have carried out a systematic and inexplicable program of deception. And we must be broadcasting live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin Texas on the 25th of August, because if we are there’s a good chance we’ll precipitate World Peace! And the music you heard is Frozen, by Curve, because if it isn’t, then they stole that song and put it on their album. Bastards!

The Non-Prophets has to be sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, and has to be a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state, because that’s just so selfless, altruistic, and god-like! I mean, how ironic is that!

And the ACA must have a happy hour at the Dog and Duck at 7:30 every Thursday evening, and there has to be more information about it at www.atheist-community.org and the ACA voicemail at 512-371-2911, or else our grey, humdrum lives, would make the looming spectre of suicide start to look attractive.

Now, it’s a fact we broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, because we love you deeply and sincerely, and that you can participate in the broadcast by reading the instructions at www.nonprophetsradio.com and logging into the chatroom, because if you couldn’t, there would be little point to the universe.

And so, unless you like the void in existence itself, enjoy the show!

Closing

That’s our show, because if it isn’t, we’ve really been fooling ourselves! And we’ll be back in two weeks to cure cancer. And because it would be silly the other way around. I’m Denis Loubet, he’s Matt Dillahunty, and he's Russel Glasser! Buh-bye!

Hi! Unless you have hard evidence to the contrary, I'm Denis Loubet, and he's Matt Dillahunty.

And we're broadcasting live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, on the 8th of September, 2007. The music you heard was What God Wants, Part II by Roger Waters, because you can't show otherwise.

I'm going to say this show is sponsored by, uh, the Atheist Community of Austin, and since you can't prove it's not, you'll just have to accept that it's a non-profit organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state. So there.

And check it out: if you're not at the Dog and Duck at 7:30 on Thursday nights, you can't say there's no ACA Happy Hour then! Ha!

Since you're not omniscient, you can't know that the Non-Prophets don't broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30. And how do you know there aren't instructions for logging in to our chatroom and participating in the show at www.nonprophetsradio.com if you're not there? Huh? Huh?

So unless you can establish otherwise, you're gonna sit there and enjoy the show.

Closing

Do you think we're thankful for you listening to our show? Prove it.

And if you don't think we'll be back in two weeks with another episode, I guess you'll have to show that you can predict the future, Mr. Nostradamus!

So since you don't know jack, you'll have to believe me when I say we're leaving you with What God Wants, Part II by Roger Waters. And you'll just have to choke it down when I tell you I'm Denis Loubet, and he's Matt Dillahunty. Buh-bye!

September 29 — Belligerent introduction

...and we are the Non-Prophets!

Hi, I'm Denis Loubet and he's Matt Dillahunty, and we have a guest with us today. We are going to be your hosts today, unless you have some problem with that? And we're broadcasting from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin Texas. And it's the 29th of September, 2007. And the music you're gonna hear is Rock Is Dead by Marilyn Manson, whether you like it or not.

In fact, the idea that we're sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin is one you're just gonna have to live with. And whining about how it's a non-profit organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state is just gonna make things worse for you.

And unless you got something better to do, you'd better be at the Dog and Duck on Thursday night at 7:30 for the ACA Happy hour.

But right now, you're gonna sit down, shut up, and read the chat-room instructions at www.nonprophetsradio.com, and log in. It's not like you knuckle-draggers can't figure out we're broadcasting live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, we've only been doing it for 3 fuckin' years!

Now zip it, and listen!

Closing

So, what? I should thank our listeners for listening to us? You should be thanking your lucky stars we even acknowledge your miserable existence. We'll be back in two weeks, and until then you can sit on your god damn thumbs for all I care. Here, listen to Rock Is Dead by Marilyn Manson while you're massaging your prostate. And in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm Denis Loubet, (I'm Matt Dillahunty) (I'm Shilling). Now scram.

October 6 — Defensive introduction

And we are the Non-Prophets!

Well, unless you don't want us to be the Non-Prophets. I mean, we could be something else, but I guess for now we should probably be the Non-Prophets, right?

Hi! I'm Denis Loubet. That's my name. I'm not trying to make some French point or anything. And he's Matt Dillahunty. At least, he says he is. And Shilling is our special guest today. Not that there's anything wrong with being ordinary; lots of people are. Not to say that you are, but... We're going to be your hosts today, okay?

Now, I could be wrong, but I think we're broadcasting live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas — Not that we'd hate to broadcast from anywhere else, mind you — and it's, I guess, the 6th of October, 2007. At least, in this time zone. I mean, not like other times or other time zones are evil or anything, but, well, you know.

Anyway, the music you heard was, er, what was it, Matt? (Matt: I think it might have been Peter Gabriel's Digging In the Dirt. But his other songs are good, too!) Yeah. And not that any other piece of music would have been worse. Not to say that the piece we did play was bad or anything!

I'm not trying to sound like a know-it-all or anything — not that that's necessarily a bad thing, I mean: knowing stuff is good, not that not knowing stuff is bad — but this show is sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, which is supposed to be a non-profit organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state. And by saying that, I'm not trying to suggest that other non-profits that don't promote positive atheism are bad, or that they're not worth your time if they don't support the separation of church and state, but, you know, they probably should.

Anyway, they tell me they've also got a Happy Hour at the Dog and Duck at 7:00 on Thursdays. Seems reasonable, not that there's anything wrong with being unhappy, I just, well, you know.

Since we broadcast every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30... Well, except for last week, and technically, I guess, the week before that. And, I suppose, a couple... Never mind. You can read the instructions at www.nonprophetsradio.com and log in to the chatroom to participate in the show. It's okay, I mean, there's no penalty if you don't. It's not like you have to log in or anything. That would be bad.

So please enjoy the show. Or don't, if you don't want to. I mean, you don't have to enjoy the show. I just thought it would be a good idea. Not that you'd be stupid if you didn't enjoy it, but... well, whatever.

Closing

Thanks for listening to the show! Not that I'm saying you heard every word or anything. There's certainly no pop quiz that you'll have to pass. Not that you couldn't pass it or that you'd have to, I just... Well, anyway, we'll be back in two weeks, unless some disaster strikes. I'm not suggesting that one will, just that if one does, we may not have a show. But we probably will.

So listen to Peter Gabriel. That's not an order, it's just a suggestion. Not that I'm trying to manipulate you or anything, okay? Anyway, I'm Denis Loubet, (I'm Matt Dillahunty) (I'm Shilling). Buh-bye!

And we are the Non-Prophets! Of course, be aware that atheists are the most distrusted segment of society, and are probably that way for a reason.

I'm your host Denis Loubet, along with Matt Dillahunty and our special guest known only as Shilling. But then again, this is a podcast, and anyone can say anything in a podcast.

And I'll claim we're broadcasting to you live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin Texas on the 20th of October 2007, and that the music you heard was God Shuffled His Feet by the Crash Test Dummies, but that easy truth could just be a convenient way to make you believe what we're going to say next.

Which is, of course, that this show is sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state. But obviously, that's just what you'd expect a bunch of pandering atheists to say.

And now we come to the claim of an atheist ACA Happy Hour at 7:00 on Thursday evenings at the Dog and Duck. If you believe that, you'll believe anything.

You'll even believe stuff like the assertion that we broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, and that we have a chat room that you can access to participate in the show. Sure, there's a website at www.nonprophetsradio.com with instructions for the chatroom, but that hardly means that we can't put something on the web if it isn't true.

So sit back and listen to a bunch of guys that, well, without a fear of divine eternal punishment, have no reason to say anything even remotely factual.

Closing

Thank you for listening. I hope you bought that bilge. We'll be back in two weeks with another passel of atheist lies. Until then, we're Denis Loubet, and Matt Dillahunty, and Shilling, and this is God Shuffled His Feet by the Crash Test Dummies.

As always, I'm your host, Denis Loubet, along with the dynasty of Matt Dillahunty and the stalwart Shilling.

We are broadcasting, according to ancient custom, from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, and through a method passed down through the ages, it is decided that the 3d of November in the year 2007 is the date. The liturgy you heard was Satan is Real by the Louvin Brothers.

As dictated by tradition immemorial, this show is sponsored by the historic Atheist Community of Austin, a time-honored non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the formal separation of church and state.

In keeping with our ancestral conventions, the ACA hosts a Happy Hour every Thursday at 7:00 at the Dog and Duck, an establishment with deep roots in the community.

In concordance with sacred antediluvian writ, we broadcast our show every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, Central Standard Time. And as is customary with these things, we have a chatroom that you can access to participate in the show, but only if you read and follow the instructions found at the grand and distinguished address www.nonprophetsradio.com.

So sit back in your overstuffed leather chair, puff your cigar, and enjoy the classic quintessential dialogue of the Non-Prophets.

Closing

So from time primordial, we thank you for listening to our show. I'm Denis Loubet, along with Matt Dillahunty and Shilling.

Know that with the eternal consistency of the rise and fall with which the sun adheres, so, too, we will be back in two weeks with another show. Until then, listen to the ceremonial rite of Satan is Real by the Louvin Brothers. Farewell.

When Alexander the Great spoke of those he respected, he spoke of myself, Denis Loubet, along with Matt Dillahunty and the acclaimed Shilling, and we're your hosts. He, along with Thomas jefferson, agreed that we are broadcasting from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, and as Francis Bacon so aptly put it, it is the 11th of November, in the year 2007. So when Mozart said you can't beat the opening credits, he was talking about Feeling Good by Nina Simone.

Now, it's true that Joseph Stalin criticized the show in 1949, but at that time he was not aware that this show was sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, described by William Shakespeare as "a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state. Forsooth."

Thus we have John F. Kennedy, the 35th President of the United States, issuing the proclamation that the ACA will host an atheist Happy Hour every Thursday at7:00 at the Dog and Duck, and return them safely to the earth.

So, as Homer wrote, we broadcast our show every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, Central Standard Time. And, as P.T. Barnum noted, if you want to participate in the show, you have to go to the chat room... by following the directions at www.nonprophetsradio.com.

So, sit back and relax, and know that when Churchill mentioned that finest hour-and-a-half, he meant this one.

Closing

As Nero once said, thanks for listening to the show.

And when Albert Einstein proved in his famous equation that the Non-Prophets will be back in two weeks, he knew that the end credit music would be Feeling Good by Nina Simone.

And we are probably the Non-Prophets, because everything is "Just a Theory."

I'm your host, Denis Loubet, along with Matt Dillahunty and The Amazing Shilling, and what the hell, we might as well invite Adolph and Joseph in too. We're broadcasting live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin Texas, on the first of December, in our apparently continuing efforts to censor all religious expression worldwide. To that end, the dialog you heard was William S. Burroughs.

Since this show is sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, you can be sure we're saying whatever they want us to say. The ACA is, after all, a non-profit, educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of Church and State, and that obviously means we're stoking the ovens forall you faith-heads.

If you want to help with the shoveling, you can find more information on the ACA voicemail at 512 371-2911, or the website at www.atheist-community.org.

And don't forget, the ACA has a Happy Hour at the Dog and Duck at 7:00 on Thursday evenings where we supposedly drink and fornicate in wild atheistic abandon while we figure out where to put the internment camps.

So, if you think you want to completely control the show, you can visit our chat room by following the directions found at www.nonprophetsradio.com. We broadcast every other Saturday at 2:00 to 3:30, but we're thinking of changing that to only once every decade.

So sit back and listen to the atheist holocaust as you bathe in the blood of thebeliever.

Closing

Well, now that you've heard the show, your lives are complete, and you can die happy. No need to thank us.

We'll be back to euthanize you again in two weeks.

I'm Denis Loubet along with Matt Dillahunty, and Shilling! And this is Burroughs again.

Bye!

December 15 — no introduction

Denis was not on the Dec. 15, 2007 show. There was no fallacy introduction.