Ten Insults for People Who "Almost" Invested with Bernie Madoff

Everybody knows
at least one person who claims to know at least one person who was in the World Trade
Center on September 11,
2001. They truly believe all these
stories, and since social regulations dictate that we’re not allow to call
bullshit on them, most of us sit idly while people say things like, “He was
never late to work even one day in the 35 years that he worked there, but for
some reason he went in late that morning.”
Like my friend Spencer says: “That World
Trade Center
must have had the biggest lobby in the world, because I alone know at least
10,000 people who were in there when the planes hit.”

Tragically, the
same shamelessly narcissistic approach is being applied to the Bernie Madoff
scandal. Of course I’m not talking about those who legitimately lost fortunes
in the scam, but instead those who feel left out. My friend Matt – who played
the holiday party rounds through Lexington and Newton – reports that he
overheard several liars claim to have had Madoff papers sitting on their desks,
unsigned. Basically they’re saying “I was cool enough to be invited to get
swindled, but smart enough not to do it.” How convenient. Even Ben Stein went
this route in the New York Times
yesterday (though I actually believe him).

This epidemic is
much more egregious than when folks attach themselves to terrorist attacks. Those
sheeple aren’t lying as much as they’re pathetically hitching on to sweeping national
grief; like David Cross says: “They just want to be part of the flag waving
club.” This time around it’s as despicable as it’s transparent; I’m guessing
that most people making these claims would be the first greedy bastards to jump
at any chance to see serious investment returns. So, since no one should allow
douchebags to boast about half-stepping with this scumbag, here are Ten Insults for People Who “Almost”
Invested With Bernie Madoff.

10 – It’s too bad that you didn’t
invest. Maybe if you did you’d have committed suicide by now.

9 – Isn’t your daughter the girl
who blew all those Milton
Academy hockey players a
few years ago?

8 – What made you realize it was
a bad idea? Was it that his name kind of sounds like “made off,” or was it just
your famously shrewd business sense?

7 – I was going to invest with
Bernie myself, but I just let him sodomize me with a toilet brush instead.

6 – You have to think though – maybe
flushing your money down Madoff’s golden toilet would have been a better
investment than that plastic bitch wife of yours.

5 – I know it sucks, but you have
to look at it like this – at least there will be a lot more houses available in
Newton for pro
athletes and pizzeria owners to move into.

4 – None of this would have
happened if we elected Ralph Nader president in 2000. I believe that chicken
wings and blue cheese rule the planet earth. Would you like to shake my paw?

3 – You must be relieved. I felt
the same way about my decision to not invest in the Big Dig.

2 – Did you read that article in
the Wall Street Journal this morning
about how FBI investigators are indicting people who didn’t invest but who knew
about the scam and neglected to blow whistles?

1 – That’s lucky and all, but not
as lucky as that time you cancelled your meeting in the Twin Towers
on September 11th.