torsdag 2. september 2010

My friend Elisabeth broght up a question that has been in my mind ever since I left Norway, but I dindt want to bring this question up, not even to myself. But the thing is, Ive been thinking a lot about it, even though I dont like it.

lørdag 31. juli 2010

Its been nearly two months since Im back home and I am a mess. Its great to be back among my beloved ones and Im having a relaxing time without three languages in my mind. Its confortable being able to understand all the cultural codes and being among people that know me for years, but that is freaking me out. I was missing my comfort zone nearly as much as I missed people back home, but now that I have it, I fear it. I fear forgeting the great and important lessons God taught me during my time abroad. I fear stop being that person I became when I was far away from everyone I knew. I fear leting things start being the same they were before. Its impossible to find words to describe how it is to be so far away from home and learning so many things every singe day. It was hard and painful, but now it feels empty without all those challenges I had to face in my year abroad. I want it again and again and again. I dont want to get used to my comfort zone and miss my focus in this life. I want to persue eternal things. I want to start learning a new language from the begining and become fluently. I want to learn to respect a new culture. I want to learn the value of every single moment I live and most of all, I want to learn to love different people and see them as my siblings in Christ. That is the most precious experience anyone could get in this life and Im so gratfull because I had it once. Im looking forward to have it again.

Is it possible to avoid the comfort zone at home? I guess so, I just didnt figure out how to do that yet.

torsdag 3. juni 2010

Since I was born and raised in a tropical country, I never apreciated Summer as a special Season. However, after spending nearly a year in a cold country like Norway I just realized how magical and blessed the Summer actually is!

When the sun is shining all day everything around gets a special color and the green of the trees is shining as long as the day lasts. The birds that came back during the Spring are singing more then never and the sky has a very beautiful blue colour and almost no clouds. The flowers are falling and giving all kinds of colors to the ground and the relfex of the sun in the water is just like bilions of diamonds shining together.

However, what is more special about Summer time is the joy that comes when the days are lasting longer then the nigths and the temperature is warm enough to go out in t-shirts. People are hanging out outside and the streets are not empty or quiet anymore.

We can hear the kids playing and they are so noisy as the birds! The joy that comes with the Summer makes all the cold and silence of the Winter vanish and the world seems colorful and happy once more!

Indeed, Summer is a blessing and brings me the familiar sensation of being home. I have missed it a lot and it feels really good to have it back! Tank you God for Summer!

søndag 30. mai 2010

"Only when love is a duty, only then is love eternally secured against any change, eternally liberated in blessed independence; eternal and fortunately protected against despair."Søren Kierkegaard

According to Scriptures we must love each other as we love ourselves, even our enemies. I spent a long time wondering how could that be possible. Now, I understand it: love is not about feelings, is not about sensations that come and go. It is a decision you make and a decision you choose to keep every day of the rest of your life. Or not.

If you choose to love your enemies you will do whatever you can to make their lives better, even though you do not "feel" afection for them. I think this goes in the same way with a relative you are not a big found, but you know you have to show some respect. Or, when your mother-in-low is a pain in the ass, but you know she is important for someone you love so you choose treat her with the same respect you treat your own mother. I believe this is real love.

When it comes to love between men and woman it is hard not to think about the Prince if you are a woman. The only problem is that princes are great in dreamns, but in real life we just have to get used to the idea that they do not exist.

Romance is good and I love it. I love when my heart despares because I forgot to breathe and the palms of my hands get wet with sweat just because the prince of my dreamns is entering the room. I just love when I realize his eyes are searching for me and when his lips form the most beautiful smile I have ever seen becase he has found me. I love the way he greets me and I really love the way he says my name.

The first time I met the prince I was 15 years old and he became a frog after I discovered he had found his princess and the princes was not me. But I met other princes after that and the sensations were always the same, and the dreamns didnt change so much. The only thing that kept changing was the prince, even though each new time I was sure that I have found the right one.

Im not 15 anymore. Im about to become a 23 years old woman and I still dream about the prince, always trying to make people fit into the image I built when I was still a kid and dint know anything about commitment, love, or duty.

What I like most about the prince is the way he makes me feel about myself. He really makes me believe I can be somebody else. The person I wish I was, but Im not. He makes me fell that the wolrd is mine and that all my childwish dreams will one day come true. He also makes me believe that I am his entire world and that he will live his life in order to please me.

But the truth is that this prince does not exist and love is far more then dreamns. Love is commitment, is hard work, is decision and requires a lot of pacience and sometimes we also have to give up of our own individual dreams so that the other person can keep walking with us. Love is not easy, because even when the feelings are not there, you still have to deal with a second person that still wants be loved and cared.

When Kierkegaard says that when love is as a duty it can free us from dispair I keep wondering if this dispair has to do with the fact that the human heart is selfish and is never happy. Is this dispair related to the fact the we always want to follow feelings? The kind of dispair that can make us forget about values and duties and keeping chasing dreams that will never come true? Because when they finally come, they will not be dreams anymore, which means we have to start chasing something else...

Can the way I love my enemy be the same way I love the person I intend to spend the rest of my life with?

fredag 28. mai 2010

Two weeks from now Im gonna be home. Its been a while since Im counting the days down and is not a secret that Ive been homesick. But the weird thing is that now I am missing Trondheim more then Brazil and when I think about my life back home is like thinking about a strange dream while Trondheim would be my reality.

I went too deep in my cross cultural experience and now that is over I feel like I have no ground and I dont know who I am or what Im gonna do. The last year was the hardest of my life, but also the best. Ive learned more in this last year then in the last 5. And now that is over I strugle with the fact that I will go back to the exatcly same life, place and activities from before, even though I feel like an intire new person. That is hard.

At the same time that I cant wait to be back home I also dont wanna go and Im scared. Even my relationship with God has been weird in the last month. I feel like He is miles and miles away from me and not being able to feel Him or listen to Him scares me even more. I feel lonely and hopeless, almost desesperate. I fear that my life is never gonna be normal again and that I will spend the rest of it willing to be in somewhere else.

But at the same time I know for sure that feelings are only feelings, which means that they do not correspond to the reality. And no matter how far God seems to be, I know and I belive He is here by my side. I also believe that He brought me here to renew me and refresh me and give me an intire new perspective of life and even though I feel hopeless now, I know He will renew my hope.

For now it really sucks and hurts and makes me sad and mad and anti-social and skeptic. "But after all that Ive been trough, I finally realize the truth that I must go trough the valley to stand upon the montain of God."