The stock in opulent foolery rose six thousand points the day Blue Ivy Carter was pulled out of a blue diamond-encrusted Faberge egg, because it was reported that Beyonce rented out half of the hospital wing and had more security guards than the British Menudo. But InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life) says that Beyonce’s fellow Texan, Jessica Simpson, is about to show a trick how to really waste money on some stupid shit. Jessica (seen here in the near future breaking so much water that it hit the ground, splashed up to the sky and then fell down all over her) is not only renting out the entire floor of a hospital and protecting Baby Maxi with the help of 30 bodyguards, but she is also going to hire a look-alike to trick the paparazzi. Paging Hulk Hogan! Your Jessica Simpson look-alike services are needed!

Jessica’s labor experience is going to cost around $1.3 million. The source put it like this:

“She’s turning the maternity ward into Fort Knox. If her friends and family want to visit her, they’ll have to make it through numerous checkpoints! She’s terrified of kidnapping. Her head of security just held a pre-birth meeting for her family to brief them on the rules!”

Jessica is thinking that the first pictures of Baby Maxi Pad will get her $4 million, so she’s hoping that she makes back her money and then some.

If this story was a dumpling sold at Panda Express, it would be called a Shumaigodyourelying and even Jessica wouldn’t order it. (I’ve just stuck the GONG between my ass cheeks, so grab it and gong me for that shit joke if you dare.) InTouch needs to stop. Yes, I believe that Jessica rented out an entire hospital floor, but that’s only because her fire hydrant vagina is going to keep spewing out amniotic fluid until the very end and she knows she’s going to flood most of the hospital. Jessica cares. But the rest of it is a lie.

Jessica’s pregnancy farts might be shaped like dollar signs, but she’s still country. The most extravagant thing she’ll have on her c-section day is the finest chef from a nearby McDonald’s who will make everyone McPlacentas!

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