Royal Plots, Pilots, and Hygiene

The would-be assassin who killed five spectators yesterday at the annual Queen’s Day parade in the Netherlands has died of injuries he sustained after careening his car through a crowd of cheering well-wishers and into a monument. Before he died, the man, referred to as “Karst Tates” by the Dutch media (his real name cannot yet be released due to Dutch privacy laws), admitted to police that his target was members of the royal family, none of whom were injured. Police have yet to determine whether he acted alone. In a television address, Queen Beatrix relayed her condolences to the families affected by the tragedy; photographs of a horrified Princess Maxima and husband Prince Willem-Alexander, taken as the event transpired yesterday, only confirm the sincerity of the Queen’s remarks.Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, is another royal to take an active interest in the well-being of her community. Her new television show, The Sarah Ferguson Project, will see the 49-year-old royal move to the industrial city of Manchester to live in a simple bed and breakfast. The crux of the program will be the Duchess’s attempts to strengthen community spirit, and viewers have been told they can expect a “touchy-feely” vibe. This is not the first time Sarah Ferguson has reached out to British communities through television programs.

Prince Harry has been cultivating his own working-class aesthetic. The Prince was overheard admitting that he hasn’t washed his hair in two years. His father, Prince Charles, seems to have taken an similarly laissez-faire approach to his hair, which was recently noted to be gracefully graying.

Identities of the Windsor Castle exhibitionists have been revealed, and they are loud, obnoxious Americans. Oh, the shame.