This Dax Shepard thing is not a joke. Kristen Bell is now pregnant with his baby. Us Magazine reports:

The 37-year-old’s fiancee, Kristen Bell, is pregnant, the actress’ rep tells Us Weekly. This will be the first child for the When in Rome costars, who got engaged in 2009 after two years of dating. Even with a baby on the way, don’t expect the L.A.-based couple to tie the knot anytime soon. “The reason we’re not rushing to get married is because I don’t feel appropriate taking advantage of a right that’s denied to my [gay and lesbian] friends,” Bell, 32, told The Advocate in February. “That’s why we’ve been so hesitant. Dax and I have talked about it a lot, and this issue is very important to both of us. We’re just standing up for what we believe in. Period.”

So why are they having a kid? Shouldn’t they have adopted? Oh, so you can’t get married but YOU CAN HAVE A KID??! HYPOCRITES!!! Haha, just kidding I don’t care.

Kristen Bell is painfully cute and adorable, so the only thing I can think of is that her father abandoned her as a child, leaving her an empty void of endless need. Because, let’s be honest here, that’s really the only way Dax Shepard could get with this. He looks like he should be mixing paint at Lowe’s, not dating a Hollywood actress. You know what else looks wrong? My chicken carbonara sub. I said no tomatoes, bitch!

If there is a dorkier way to put on sunscreen, please feel free to let us know:

Sources close to Owen Wilson say the actor struggled with heroin and cocaine addiction and severe depression that only worsened after his relationship with Kate Hudson ended. Three days before is suicide attempt, Wilson went to a neighborhood church “out of either devotion or desperation” only to hit rock bottom last Sunday. A family friend said:

We always thought he was just too fun-loving, but now it’s obvious he was just dealing with way too much to handle.”

Meanwhile, Courtney Love, a close friend of Wilson’s, blames British comedian and drug addict, Steve Coogan, for accelerating Wilson’s downward spiral. Coogan and Wilson first met on the set of Night at the Museum and they are now currently filming Tropic Thunder.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t comment but I care too much about Owen. I went through it with Steve…I tried to warn Owen. I tried to warn his friends.”

Wow, this story is getting depressing really fast. I mean, Kate Hudson is cute, but she can’t be worth all this. Unless we find out her vagina shoots gold coins or NFL locks of the week, I’m going to be real disappointed.

It is now believed that after seeing pictures of Hudson and Dax Shepard kissing in a Los Angeles grocery store, Owen Wilson freaked out and tried to kill himself. The Daily Mail says:

His former lover Kate Hudson was caught affectionately kissing and cuddling her new boyfriend Dax Shepard, also a comedian, during an outing in Los Angeles. Now many in Hollywood are speculating that it was the sight of these photographs that tipped Wilson, one of Hollywood’s brightest young stars, over the edge. Friends have said that he had been deeply upset since splitting with the actress, the daughter of Goldie Hawn, shortly before Christmas last year. The couple, who met while filming You, Me And Dupree, had a six-month fling that ended Hudson’s marriage to actor Chris Robinson. Wilson ended the relationship with Miss Hudson but friends said he had been regretting the decision since she began dating Shephard, also a comedian. Wilson has not been seen with a new love since the split but has been a regular at parties at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy mansion.”

Poor fella. How awful it must have been for him to have seen these pictures then have to go back to his miserable life of being knuckle deep in Playboy Playmates every night. Man, life just isn’t fair sometimes.

Note: Please keep in mind that the cuts on Wilson’s wrist were superficial and he was released from the hospital the same day. He didn’t want to kill himself, he wanted attention. Kate Hudson reportedly left the set of her new movie in tears to go be with him. Man, what a smooth operator that Owen Wilson is.

Update: (Los Angeles – August 28, 2007) – “EXTRA” has obtained the Calls For Service report from the Santa Monica Police Department, which lists the reason for the 911 call from Owen Wilson’s house as an “attempted suicide.” The call was received on Sunday, August 26 at 12:08:16pm. The incident was “cleared” almost five hours later at 5:07:16pm. Source