The Truth About Friendships

“The Truth About Friendships”

5 minute read

“If just one person had stopped to ask me if I was okay then I wouldn’t have jumped.”

This heartbreaking sentence was spoken by a young man who had been interviewed for a television documentary about male suicide.

Speaking to the interviewer, he talked about a dark and bleak day where he’d gone as far as he could go, having suffered as much as he could suffer. Finding himself high upon a bridge and pacing backwards and forwards, he was building up the courage to jump, whilst also hoping, deep inside, that somebody would intervene.

He felt invisible, he felt desperate, and he felt completely alone.

But just as he was walking towards the railings and preparing to jump, a young lady approached him.

“Excuse me?” She said.

He turned to face her, perhaps expecting her to be the intervention that he’d hoped for. Instead she was holding out a camera to him.

“Would you take my picture please?”

And he did. He took her photo and then handed the camera back, and then she turned around and walked away, leaving him feeling more alone than ever.

That said it all. That was the final straw.

He turned around, climbed upon the railings, and then he jumped.

The young man survived his suicide attempt, despite the injuries that he sustained, and he recalled feeling like he’d made a mistake the second he’d stepped off the bridge. But by that point it was too late. And that’s when he spoke those words that I opened this article with.

The difference between jumping and not jumping hinged upon his need to feel heard, to feel like his life mattered.

This is not an article about male suicide, but it is an article about compassion, about support, and more than anything, it’s about friendship.

True friendship.

Good times and bad times, we all have them. But what we ultimately find is that these experiences act as a filter in our lives, in the sense that they allow us to see things in a new way.

When everything is going well and we’re all about partying, having fun, and laughing, it can appear that we have friends by the bucket load. There’s a real sense of abundance.

But when times turn bad and you feel you’ve reached the end of your rope, and when things become so bleak that even the daylight appears dark; when all you really need is to feel the slightest hint of compassion and to know that somebody cares, that bucket load of friends suddenly feels like a thimble full.

Sometimes we can be surrounded by people and yet feel more alone than we’ve ever felt in our lives.

This can be a truly painful experience to go through when it first happens, particularly if you find that the people who said they’d be there for you are suddenly nowhere to be found. It can be easy to make claims of deep friendships, to tell somebody that you care, but it’s another thing entirely when the depth of that friendship is called upon. I’ve been there myself and the feeling is devastating.

But try not to get angry with those friends and instead just accept that you cannot make somebody be something that they’re not. You can choose to accept them for their limitations and understand where the new boundaries of the friendship are, and then just enjoy what’s good. But in future, remember them for what they are, and for what they’re not.

It’s about new perspectives, new perceptions.

Understand where your energy should be focused, and understand who you should let in.

I’ve lived this. I’ve learned from it. And believe me when I tell you that it is something that you will benefit from in the long run.

On the flipside of all this can be another, more welcome, surprise. Because sometimes it can be the people that you didn’t realize cared who actually care the most. Sometimes it’s those friends that usually sit quietly on the outside who suddenly step up when you need them. It can come out of nowhere, completely unexpected.

It’s a wonderful feeling when this happens, yet at the same time it can be crushing to know that the person now stood before you, asking if you’re okay, is a completely different person to the one you thought would be there.

And this is that filtering process that I’m talking about; understanding which friends you can laugh with, and which friends you can cry with.

It’s not easy to find people that will truly listen. It’s not easy to find people that take a genuine interest. Most times when people appear to be listening they’re actually just waiting patiently for their turn to talk.

People can talk. They can talk a lot.

Yet very few know how to listen. Or perhaps the reality is that they’re just not actually bothered about listening.

How many times each day does somebody ask you how you are and then actually wait for an answer? How many people ask you about what’s happening in your life? How many people each day come to ask you about something that they know matters to you? In fact, how many people actually know what matters to you?

Finding a person who truly cares, who listens fully, and who is genuinely interested, is much more difficult than you’d think.

To have these kinds of friendships is actually much rarer than it should be.

Sometimes we don’t need answers.

Sometimes all we need is to be listened to.

And sometimes we don’t even need that; sometimes all we need is for somebody to sit beside us and to share the darkness.

We all have friends. Some of us have many friends. If you measure a person’s popularity by their Facebook pages then you’ll see people with several hundred friends, perhaps even thousands.

But when all’s said and done, most of us have maybe two or three close friends who truly know us, perhaps even just one or two. And it is these friends, the ‘2am phone-call friends’, who will be there for us through thick and thin.

They’re the friends who accept us for our flaws, and they’re the friends who still love us at our worst. They’re the friends that know us both inside and out, and they’re the friends that are there for us at any given time, and on any given day.

And they’re the friends who get exactly the same in return.

The purpose of this article is not to dwell upon the darkness, but rather to bask in the light of your truest friendships.

I know who my ‘2am phone-call friends’ are, and for all of you that have these kinds of friends too; make sure that you cherish them with all your heart.

Give them the time, the love, and the attention that they deserve.

And don’t ever take them for granted.

Did this short article resonate with you and do you know of anybody that could benefit from reading it? If so then please do feel free to share this article wherever you can.

Do you have any thoughts or opinions on anything you’ve just read? Do you have any experiences to draw upon, either good or bad, that others could learn from? What did you learn from your own experience? Do you have any thoughts about friendships that you’d like to share with the readers? Or do you have any questions of your own to ask that either myself or my readers can share an opinion on? Please feel free to leave a comment below and we’ll begin a conversation.

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12 Responses to The Truth About Friendships

Elliot,
Your article really hit home in a positive way. This story resonates with me. I stopped having “toxic” friends a while ago. It helped me focus on my family and myself. I would be open at this stage of my life of interacting with people. But I would never go back to being totally entangled in other’s lives. I sometimes think I would be an excellent recluse. This I have no desire to be. Haha…
I have one best friend and we grow up together. Our parents were already friends. She told me the truth when I didn’t like it. She yelled at me when I was stubborn. She told me I was being stupid when I thought I knew it all. She has fought for me, traveled for me, and considered me. Above all, she has never left my side. After all of our adventures, escapades, and shenanigans — we endured. No matter how many miles came between us we were connected.There were so many times that I wouldn’t have known there was light at the end of the tunnel if she were not on the other end of the phone. She has either been by my side, on the other end of a phone, or there with a text in the middle of my life crashing down around me at various points in my life. I´m going to meet her in January in Florence. 🙂
We need more celebratory love for all the soul sisters + brothers out there. I feel so grateful that I finally have a tribe of like-minded, soulful, yet silly people to call my friends. And I’m even more blessed to count you as one of them.
I love my friends dearly I realise some are hard work whilst others bring joy and encouragement, laughter in silly times and hugs or kind words in down times.
I hope with all my heart that everyone here finds what they’re looking for in life x

Hi Katy and thank you for such a heartfelt comment. It sounds as though you’ve found the balance that’s right for you; having people in your life that matter to you but having just the right amount of separation. I know I feel very similarly and I enjoy my own company too much to be able to spend every waking moment in other people’s pockets.

What you’ve said about your friend there is lovely and she sounds like a true friend. And you’re meeting up with her in Florence too? I know I have a friend like that…he wouldn’t think twice about calling bullshit on me and pointing out where I might be making a mistake or where I could do things better. He wouldn’t think twice about telling the truth, even if it might be really hard to hear. But that’s exactly what we need. Sometimes it’s nice to have people tell us everything is okay, but sometimes you need people to say, no everything is not okay, but this is what you could do to make things better.

But regardless, I still maintain that the very best friend you’ll ever have is yourself…because even though we have those 2am friends that we can call upon when we have nowhere else to turn, we still need to be able to pick ourselves up and to take care of ourselves at any given moment.

And thank you Katy, that’s such a nice thing to say and you’ve certainly become a friend too. And don’t ever underestimate the impact you’ve had on the development of this site. It wouldn’t be the same without you here.

I loved this blog…you hit the nail on the head regarding the importance of having true friends – the ones you can call at 2am. I am incredibly blessed to have quite a few people in my life who fall under this category – some are friends and some are family. I wouldn’t have survived the darkest period of my life (after my husband’s death) without the friendship of my friend, Kristin. She is, I suspect, the world’s best listener and somehow knew how to help me feel that I was not going crazy – but that all my crazy thoughts were a natural part of the grieving process.

I am so glad that you, too, have dear friends that have mastered the oh-so-difficult skill of listening. It is a VERY rare thing these days. I try my best to be a good listener to the people in my life…sometimes I am better at this than other times. But I try to be AWARE of when I am truly listening to someone open up – and when I am just, as you say, waiting (often not so patiently) for my turn to speak 🙁

Hi Maryanne and thank you for your comment. I’m so glad you enjoyed this one!

That’s such a nice thing to hear about your friend, Kristin, and I’m sure she appreciates knowing what she means to you. I know I often speak of being our own best friend and picking ourselves up when we’re down (which is true), but there are times when that feels pretty much impossible and that’s when our truest friends become absolutely priceless and potentially even life-saving. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for you to experience the death of your husband, but thank goodness you had such strong friends around you. That was evident in your book, and it’s wonderful you had people there to support you.

Yes, listening truly is an extremely valuable (but as you say, difficult) skill to have and it’s not easy to quieten that voice inside that is desperate to speak. I still have to consciously do that too because although I do spend a lot of time just listening and observing, once I begin to speak I can get pretty passionate and I find it hard to shut up. But it’s something I continually work on because it really is so important. Because it’s not just about listening to their words…it’s about listening to the tone and seeing between the words. What somebody says and what somebody means are two very different things, and working that out can make all the difference.

Wow, such powerful words! Great Article! I enjoyed reading and learning about the value of a friend. Indeed, we all need someone that really care about us, and love us for who we are. And having toxic people are hard to deal with but letting them go is not a bad thing to do. Because we deserve the best! Thanks for posting!

Hi Nichole, thank you so much for posting and please accept my apology for taking so long to respond. Yes it really is hard having to deal with toxic people (and toxic relationships) isn’t it. And it can also be hard to let them go sometimes. But that’s when we have to focus on why we’re making the decision and then hold onto that. It’s tough, but we must take care of ourselves and protect who and what we want to be and not let anything get in the way of that.

By the way, I took a look at your website and I think it’s absolutely fantastic. I’m going to return again soon and read some more…there are some pretty powerful words on there. Great work!

Thank you again and please do come back and visit the site in the future. 🙂

Thank you so much for your comment. When I wrote this article it was at a time when it was just bubbling up inside and I just had to let it all spill out onto the screen. It means a lot to me to know that it’s been so well received by somebody who has made the same kinds of observations about true friends. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and to comment too.