15.5.12

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I haven't written in a while. That's for a lot of reasons but not the reasons I've told most people. While I do love my job, that takes up 40 hours of my week plus another 10 for commute. Most of my life lately has been stolen by depression. I have been so tired that I go to bed as soon as I take Bug out for a walk. It is now worse than I have ever experienced.

Last Thursday, I finally went to the doctor to try to get my life back. It's ironic that while working for an agency that deals primarily with mental health, I don't look at the exact same things in my own life. I have a counseling appointment on Thursday. I found a counselor that does evening appointments so I don't need to flex my hours just to be human. I have also started back on Wellbutrin. I forgot my dose yesterday so I took 2 this morning. My body isn't used to it so I'm feeling like I had too much caffeine or something.

I have put on about 30 pounds in the last six months. The clothes I bought for when I first got this job don't fit well any more. I haven't gone to the gym in months. Part of it is needing to go home to take care of Bug before I can do anything after work....actually, no, it's not. That's one of many excuses I have been making for not doing anything. My life is all about surviving right now. I do what I have to. I go to work. I spend time with Bug. I sleep. That is my life. I hate it. I'm glad I have decided to do something about it but I'm frankly pissed off at myself that I took so long to do that. I have probably given the last 6 months away. I am at an age where I should be making great stories. Instead, I lay in bed, only going outside to let Bug pee.

Work has actually been going really well in terms of my own performance. I think that's part of why I was in denial. I don't have any energy because all of it is going to my clients. I was told that I am "amazing" and "talented" on the same day by separate people. All of the people that I work with: other people in SE, mental health case managers, clients; have given positive feedback about my work. I think it's funny that now I'm sick enough to qualify for my own services. People trust me to do my best. I like that feeling. I just wish it wasn't the only feeling I have to like.