In fashion, there is a purpose for everything. This may in fact be the foundation of a good wardrobe: wearing articles of clothing at the appropriate time. This would include shoes. There’s that old axiom that you can’t wear white shoes after Labor Day (which, you can, but they need to be a winter white). And today, I have to get this off my chest. Flip Flops are not okay as an all-purpose shoe. Actually, unlike flour, there is no all-purpose shoe. And if there were, flip flops would not be one of them.

The flip flop is meant to be a light, casual (VERY CASUAL) shoe used primarily in summer and that’s the only time it’s appropriate. Ok. ONLY. So, when the leaves start changing and you have to start wearing a jacket in the morning? That’s the time to retire the flip flops. Go for a sneaker. There are even some sneakers that do not require that you tie the laces. Shocking, I know. So that’s when you should wear flip flops.

Now for the where. DON’T WEAR FLIP FLOPS TO A BAR! I cannot stress this enough, people. Your feet will get dirty and on top of that, you will probably get stepped on at least once by someone wearing real shoes, which you will deserve. So stop it. Also, if you are going out for a night on the town and even if you have really nice leather flip flops? Put them back in the closet and put on a dress shoe. Please. You know where you can wear flip flops? A nice backyard barbecue in April (assuming you live somewhere where you don’t still need a parka in April), a daytrip to the lake for fishing, camping, going to the city pool. Those are appropriate places.

Also, there is some indication in a few academic studies, that flip flops can actually cause damage to your body because of the way you have to hold on to them with the toes. And, look, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t wear them ever (it’s not like a wire hanger). But seriously, wear them during the appropriate season and at the appropriate venue. That’s kind of my whole point.

OH! And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE – clean your feet if you are going to wear flip flops. This means make sure that the skin is clean and not cracked and dry and that the toenails aren’t yellow, chipped or overgrown. And men! If you wear black socks during the week and are wearing flip flops on the weekend? Clean out the black lint under the toenail. Not just for your sake. But for everyone who has to see them. Please.

Ok, so the summer season is upon us which brings about several of my pet peeves. It seems that the warm weather (or if you live in the South, like I do, the FUCKING HOT weather) turns otherwise normal people into public embarrassments.

First, sandals. I can see why they are a staple of warm weather. Socks make the feet sweat and well, sometimes you get trench foot if you aren’t careful. But for the love of God and Anna Wintour, PLEASE GET A PEDICURE (Especially men). There is nothing grosser than seeing a gorgeous guy and then you look down at the feet and there is a nasty yellow toenail. Gross. Also, wear sandals when appropriate. Wearing flip flops to go shopping, well, seems uncomfortable to me, but go for it if that’s your thing. But wearing flip flops to a crowded bar? Stupid. That’s how you get your toes stepped on by people wearing the proper shoes.

Shorts: Oy. I hate shorts. Men seem to wear them for the most part correctly. Women? I’m sorry, but the length of your shorts should not be equal to the length of your panties. Also, if your shorts are so short that bending over will make the world your gynecologist, it’s time to buy longer shorts (or invest in better health insurance). The formal short that was in last summer is still in and I’m for it. Seriously, it’s a good look (done correctly).

And now that my blood is boiling, it’s time to crank the A/C and sip my cold TaB while I get a pedi.