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Rebuilding Marxist Doctrine in Football….

The Anna Raccoon Archives

by Anna Raccoon on January 28, 2010

I have been following the turgid, monotoned, dialectic of modernity, as the left seek to replace their champion, the oppressed working class – who have now vanished up the exhaust pipe of their new Ford Mondeo – with a variety of post-Marxist icons of inequality … crikey, I am starting to sound like them, I have been immersed in this urban proletariat world for too long….

However, I did come across a minor gem of the ‘hello-we’ve-found-a-new-example-of the-persecuted’ genre. This one may unite the comrades more effectively than any number of single mothers, ethnic minorities, or homosexuals, for although all have their devoted fans, it is football that reaches across the Blair-Brown divide, and reawakens the sad colourless lives of Labour voters and rouses them to a radical stand against the inequality of oppression . (Ed. Enough! Stop it Anna. )

I give you Heightism, and some scientific research that Harriet Harman (if she has any campaigning instinct at all) will shortly be including in her Equality Bill.

Two po-faced researchers at the Rotterdam School of Management have been fulfilling the requirements of their Erasmus grant by closely inspecting all recorded fouls in three major football competitions over a period of seven years. They have emerged from the grueling and selfless task of watching football videos day and night, to announce that in disputed fouls, referees are more likely to attribute the fault to the taller of the two players.

To put their assumption to a test, the scientists analysed all fouls recorded by Impire AG in seven seasons of UEFA Champions League (32,142 fouls) and German Bundesliga (85,262 fouls), the last three FIFA World Cups (6,440 fouls) as well as data from two additional perceptual experiments with football fans. For all seasons, leagues, and data collection methods, their analyses revealed the same picture confirming their initial assumption: taller people are indeed more often held accountable for fouls than shorter ones — even when no actual foul was committed.

Voila! We have a new category of identity victimisation for the socialists to flock behind in their ceaseless quest to eliminate oppression and exploitation within the capitalist polemic that is football.

This is one of those ‘what do the data mean?’ puzzles to tackle…..once one has answered the ‘why on earth did they bother to find out?’ question. Research also shows that remarkably few referees are tall. I thus suspect the natural human instinct to favour one’s own kind is in play here. Further, most of the truly dirty players of the last forty years – Bremner, Giles, Stiles, Hunter, Harris, Wise….the list of mucky midgets is endless – were of diminutive stature. Ergo sum, referees are heightist. But on the other hand, Peter Crouch is a piece of human origami unable to so much as walk without falling over – and thus deserves all the bigotry that’s on offer thrown at him. Did you also know that, when shown matches between teams in red and blue, referees tested in Japan (2007) consistently gave more fouls against the blues? S’brilliant research, innit? xx PS It’s actually about the size of their feet. Peter Hain is the clogger of all time once put on a soccer field.

I shall seek funding to do a similar analysis based on the hair colour (or lack of hair) of the protaganists. Since recordings do not render such colours accurately, it will be necessary for me to make a live assessment of each game.