A girl finding her way in this crazy world.

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Monthly Archives: May 2014

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“The best relationships in our lives are the best not because they have been the happiest ones, they are that way because they have stayed strong through the most tormentful of storms.” ― Pandora Poikilos

Today my friend Andrea had to put her boy Dink to rest. I have personally never met either of them, but have many conversations with Andrea, and I can say that she is such an amazing person. She’s so full of love and compassion, she’s also trusting, and is willing to take chances. Through the internet I have made some amazing friends, Andrea is one of them, I feel grief for her. My heart breaks thinking that she is once more going through this experience after so recently losing her Bizby to an accident. So this post is for her, Andrea, there’s so many of that love you and each and every one of us will be there for you.

This has been a tough year for so many of us, but we’ve also made some amazing friendships and learned, experienced, and seen some absolutely amazing things. It’s strange how something this heart-wrenching can truly bring people together and make them so much stronger. Some people will never understand what it is like for those of us who consider our pets our children to lose one of our pets. Saying ‘goodbye’ is one of the hardest possible things that humans will ever experience, so we continue to find comfort in our friends and partners, and that’s something so amazing. These relationships with people and pets that we have can heal anything with time.

Andrea, my heart truly goes out to you in this time, I am so incredibly sorry. I wish that I could find some words that would make all of this just a tiny bit easier, but I haven’t been able to find those words yet. I know where you are, and know what you’re feeling, I also know that all the “I’m so sorry” ‘s help in a small way, but you still feel that gigantic hole in your heart. You know just like I do that it does eventually get a little easier. So go ahead and cry sweetie, but make sure you smile too, Dink was such a happy boy, and I know that he was and still is so incredibly grateful that he got to spend the time he did with you. You are so amazing Andrea, you open your heart to so many, and you love your dogs so incredibly much, and they love you right back with that same wholehearted passion. So tonight I light candles for you, your family, and all your fur babies in this hard time hun.

Anybody who knows me knows that my dogs are so incredibly important to me, well let me say this much: I make mistakes with them. So to my dogs, I’m sorry. Seven months ago when Chloe had her accident and I realized I can’t run agility like we used to I blocked out that thought. I locked it up, ignored it, pushed on, kept going. Well, sweethearts, don’t make that mistake, now seven months later I find myself pushing Rockit to be a dog he isn’t, why? Because I never faced the fact that Chloe isn’t the same. Yes she can still do so much, but it’s not the same, so here I find myself getting angry and upset because Rockit isn’t trying as hard as Chloe did (and still does) and that isn’t his fault. I’m being selfish by asking him to be like Chloe, because he isn’t Chloe and never will be, he doesn’t enjoy agility, he’ll go over a jump, or slowly attempt to weave, but he doesn’t like doing it, he does it because he just wants to make me happy.

Rockit does so much for me, and it’s not fair that I keep asking him to do this for me. Somehow though I can’t seem to stop, why? Because I miss being able to grab a treat or a toy, go outside and run my bouncing little girl through a set of weaves or over a teeter, I miss that so much more than I could ever describe. Life isn’t fair, and to be quite frank, it really, really sucks. Rockit will never be an agility dog, not because he has no potential, but because he lacks the passion for training that Chloe has, does he work for me? Yes, he LOVES going on outings with me and he is such an amazing service dog, and I shouldn’t even ask for any more than that from him, but I just need that little bit, that one thing that he truly can’t give to me. He would be more than happy to lounge around, go hiking once and a while, and then lounge around some more, and sadly I need more than that. I wish it wasn’t like that, but it is, I have two dogs that don’t have any desire to do anything but sleep, I really don’t want a third dog that’s like that. So we’ll continue to look for something more than service work to grow our bond, but I really need that one thing in my life that brought so much joy to even think about, the thing that made me so happy no matter how out of breath I was.

I plan on a puppy, but it may be years before that happens because my parents don’t want another breed of dog in the house, and there’s no way I can afford to live on my own with 5 dogs. I’ve considered a roommate but most of my friends have at least two dogs and renting a house with 7 dogs is like pigs with wings. It just isn’t going to happen. So what do I do at this point? I’m genuinely lost, because I feel empty without this thing in my life, the one hobby I’ve ever had that I truly enjoyed, the one thing that gave me a meaning, that made me happy. I feel like I’ve been robbed and it’s such an incredibly selfish feeling, it disgusts me, but I can’t get rid of it, I just want to run agility. I guess I’ll figure something out. Till then I will just continue to try and manage, to my dogs, once more, I’m sorry.

Well, I mean isn’t it? We’re always aiming for something, it’s constant trial and error, the journey is a bit rough, but we keep going. From the beginning my dad taught me that I can handle myself, I mean, granted I’m not on my own, I currently have people I can count on if I needed them. But, if it came down to it, I know I can handle everything on my own, no matter how hard it is I know I’m strong enough. How many of you have ever physically been lost? How many of you panicked? Today while my grandmother was driving home she wasn’t 100% sure of where she was going, and she instantly started freaking out, and I understand that for some people it’s normal. All I can say is thank god I am not one of those people!!

My dad ALWAYS told me (and continues to remind me) that it is physically impossible to get lost in the United States. For the past week or so I’ve been back in my hometown (over 1,000 miles from where I currently live), granted I grew up here, but I’ve never drove here, and it’s been years since I’ve visited. With this being said, I have no clue how to get around, especially since there is A TON of roadwork going on right now, I’ve also never had to drive around such a big city. I’ve managed to get myself “lost” a couple of times, but no biggie, I’ll eventually figure out where I’m going.

I try to look at the positive side when I find myself completely out of my comfort zone, my dad’s voice clicks on in the back of my head “relax, you can always find your way back” and I know it’s not a big deal. So what if I get a little off track, or I’m a little late to wherever I’m going, I’m really not worried about things. I actually don’t mind getting off track because I like discovering new things by accident. This goes especially for when I’m hiking, I have absolutely no problem going off the trail, because even if I was to get lost for a couple days I like to think I have enough survival skills that I’d be ok, would I be absolutely exhausted? Yes. Hungry? I’m sure. A nervous wreck? Maybe, but I doubt it.

Anyway, today is my dad’s birthday and I want to say thank you to him. Thank you for being a great dad, teaching me that I can be whoever I want to be if I get off my lazy ass and do something about it. Thank you for just being there for me when I needed someone, we may not always get along the greatest but you’ll always be my dad and I love you. So when you’re reading this as I’m out doing whatever life has planned for me know I’ll always come back home, that I’ll always count on my dad. I’m always going to need you, even if it’s just to put in my air conditioner because it’s too heavy for me to lift it, I’ll find something so you don’t feel left out.

Because of my dad I know my life will be full of enjoyable things, I won’t ever have to worry about my life being dull. I know I’ll always be able to take care of myself even if I have to work three jobs and never sleep, I can handle it. I know I can’t ever let myself waste life, it would be an absolute tragedy for someone to waste my life like that and I know it, because I have a purpose and I’m meant to find it. If I have to drive thousands of miles to get to it, then so be it, challenges are life’s way of telling you that you’re strong, just keep going.