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Topic: A Christmas No Thank You. (Read 26094 times)

Everyone in the family really seems to love a particular type of Brooklyn cheesecake. It's become a tradition for us to send every family a cake along with a gift of cash. These have always been well received...until this year.

We make a Christmas Day phone call in which everyone thanks everyone else for the lovely gifts.

One member of the family had a different view.

She's Vegan. In the past, she always made exceptions for the cheesecake and a particular type of Italian meat sandwich. Now, she won't.

On the phone, she told us that the gift of cheesecake was not acceptable and we had to provide a gift of something she could eat. She sounded quite offended that we should consider sending her a cheesecake and strongly suggested a gift of nuts. Our gift of cash was not mentioned.

We'll send nuts but, you have to wonder.

BTW, this is the only household in the family from which we have received neither a gift nor a card.

It's not clear to me if this family member is the sole recipient of the cake, or head of household that receives a cake. But I do think in either case that if you know she is vegan, it's not really nice to send a gift she can't enjoy or partake of. I suppose she could use the cash part of the gift, but if I were her I might see it as "Oh, you can't eat the cake so here's some money to buy whatever you want." and feel like an afterthought.

Everyone in the family really seems to love a particular type of Brooklyn cheesecake. It's become a tradition for us to send every family a cake along with a gift of cash. These have always been well received...until this year.

We make a Christmas Day phone call in which everyone thanks everyone else for the lovely gifts.

One member of the family had a different view.

She's Vegan. In the past, she always made exceptions for the cheesecake and a particular type of Italian meat sandwich. Now, she won't.

On the phone, she told us that the gift of cheesecake was not acceptable and we had to provide a gift of something she could eat. She sounded quite offended that we should consider sending her a cheesecake and strongly suggested a gift of nuts. Our gift of cash was not mentioned.

We'll send nuts but, you have to wonder.

BTW, this is the only household in the family from which we have received neither a gift nor a card.

I think maybe she is tired of "making exceptions" for a gift that she can't make use of. On one hand she does seem ungrateful, but I can also see why she spoke up. I don't know, I have mixed feelings about her response.

I think it's time to start sending this family member a very nice card for Christmas. No gift and no money.

Your family member as a vegan has always enjoyed and eaten the cheesecake in the past and so it was not rude or wrong for you to send it. If she had decided to go full vegan she could have called you in November and politely let you know so you could send something else in place of the cheesecake.

I probably would not send her anything else to replace the cake either.

If she's always made an exception for the cheesecake in the past, but isn't now - whether she was really making an exception or just 'being polite' - the time to speak up about it isn't after the gift was received, but some months earlier. 'Oh, just so you know, we're really sticking much more closely to our vegan diet, so we won't be able to eat the cheesecake this year' or something similar. The cheesecake arrives every year, it's not like it's a surprise. i think she's a bit rude to demand a replacement gift after giving no indication the original wouldn't be acceptable.

In past years she has liked and eaten the cheesecake - so as far as Thipu1 knew until the phone call came, she was sending a relative something they did like and consume. Now if the vegan relative had informed you of the change in her diet ahead of time and you still persisted in sending non-vegan food gifts to her, then you would have been rude. In this case, I think the relative is rude for not thanking you for the gift and then politely letting you know that from now on she was adhering to a strict vegan diet year-round with no exceptions. And am I reading this right - did she actually say that you (Thipu1) should send her something else now to make up for this cheesecake? A gift is a wonderful thing to receive, but no one is entitled to one and to demand one is ridiculous, especially in light of the supplementary gift of money and the past history of this being a good gift.

This is like this kid I used to watch who would eat broccoli for lunch with me and come dinner time with his parents would complain "How could you ever think I liked broccoli? I've always hated broccoli! I want zucchini!"

Everyone in the family really seems to love a particular type of Brooklyn cheesecake. It's become a tradition for us to send every family a cake along with a gift of cash. These have always been well received...until this year.

We make a Christmas Day phone call in which everyone thanks everyone else for the lovely gifts.

One member of the family had a different view.

She's Vegan. In the past, she always made exceptions for the cheesecake and a particular type of Italian meat sandwich. Now, she won't.

On the phone, she told us that the gift of cheesecake was not acceptable and we had to provide a gift of something she could eat. She sounded quite offended that we should consider sending her a cheesecake and strongly suggested a gift of nuts. Our gift of cash was not mentioned.

We'll send nuts but, you have to wonder.

BTW, this is the only household in the family from which we have received neither a gift nor a card.

I think maybe she is tired of "making exceptions" for a gift that she can't make use of. On one hand she does seem ungrateful, but I can also see why she spoke up. I don't know, I have mixed feelings about her response.

Are you 100% sure that she atethe cheesecake & the meat sandwich in the past? Or did she just accept the graciously?

Doesn't matter. Even if she was 'just being polite' (which from the OP doesn't sound like her strong suit) the time to mention it is well before the holiday, not after the fact with a demand for a new gift.

On the phone, she told us that the gift of cheesecake was not acceptable and we had to provide a gift of something she could eat. She sounded quite offended that we should consider sending her a cheesecake and strongly suggested a gift of nuts. Our gift of cash was not mentioned.

We'll send nuts but, you have to wonder.

BTW, this is the only household in the family from which we have received neither a gift nor a card.

I'm surprised that someone who sent you nothing, not even a greeting card, is complaining about receiving an expensive cheesecake and not thanking you for the cash. I wouldn't replace the cheesecake with the nuts, but if you want to continue gifting someone who doesn't reciprocate, I wouldn't get a cheesecake again.

I don't think that it really matters whether or not she actually ate the cheesecake before this year. If it is family tradition and she can be reasonably sure that she will be receiving a cheesecake, I think the burden falls to her to alert the gift giver that she does not plan on eating it BEFORE it is given. To complain afterwards and then demand another gift seems crass. Not that I think it is completely alright to try to change the gift givers mind- accepting graciously and disposing of it seems nicer- but there are tactful ways to go about it. Complaining rather than giving thanks was not the way.

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Are you 100% sure that she atethe cheesecake & the meat sandwich in the past? Or did she just accept the graciously?

Doesn't matter. Even if she was 'just being polite' (which from the OP doesn't sound like her strong suit) the time to mention it is well before the holiday, not after the fact with a demand for a new gift.

I read it as wanting the nuts as a future gift, not as a replacement for this years gift. If she wants a replacement, then it is rude.

Are you 100% sure that she atethe cheesecake & the meat sandwich in the past? Or did she just accept the graciously?

I was thinking along those lines, too.

I don't think it would be rude for her to politely, gently ask you no longer to give her cheesecake. In my opinion it would have been good for her to say something like: "Hey Thipu, thanks for the cheesecake, but you know, I would really like to stick to my vegan diet and I hate to cause you to spend time and effort on a gift that I won't eat. I appreciate the thought, but please just skip me for the cheesecake, it's wasted on me. So sorry!"

But she was rude in two things: 1. Demanding a replacement (nuts) 2. Not thanking Thipu for the cash gift!!!