If this is your first visit, be sure to
check out the FAQ by clicking the
link above. You may have to register
before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages,
select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Re: Relapse

Of course it feels like a threat. It's a lot to deal with and a great source of stress. For which the only remedy is peace. Not by avoiding it or drowning oneself in distractions but by facing it and trusting God in and through it.

Re: Relapse

So I did it again. Reach out everybody tells me, you are doing too much in your own strength, but the moment I do so, there is just none around answering their phone. I think people might have been right all this time, I am the lost cause, I am the hopeless case. There is no hope for someone like me, why should there be. Look at who I am. A couple months on my own and I can hardly stand on my feet. I don’t know where to from here. For me there is only one way out but not necessarily the right way. Actually somedays I wished I did not know the truth, that would have made it easier to end things you know. My entire family know I used, maybe I wanted them to know, maybe I wanted to hurt them by it, maybe I was asking help again. I don’t know why I did what Id id. I want a way out. I stopped my medication as well, because I am sick of lacking faith. When then am I going to learn to trust?

Saved by Grace!

Praying for Mieke and Charles

Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

Re: Relapse

Heroin and crack. I should add, not so much heroin. For some reason I am scared of it lately, somehting that did not bother me at all before.

Everybody tells me it is about choice, but I cannot describe it, it appears that I have no control when it comes to chosing, Nothing at all.

So, yesterday I had to fight suicidal thoughs, because I am really tired of all of this, especailly of whom I am. Again, I tried to reach out. I don't really want to die, do I? So, I phoned anyone I could (that is those whom I have learned to trust just a little bit, but again no help. When I reach out, it appears to others that I am pittying myself, and all i tried to do, is ask someone to pray that I don't really commit suicide. You have no idea how scared I am.

Eventually I went to the only safe place that was left I knew. I went to the rehab. Again they told me about my medical condition being bi-polor and all. I stopped my medicaiton, because I believed depresison is not from God, and that I am lacking faith. Depresison came from my lifestyle, I got that.

I cant go back into rehab, I wan tot live the life I saw hte last two years or so. I could be close to God, learn about Him, enjoyed life, saw the opportunities He gave me, but now I feel empty and alone. I want to be sober, but I also want to be happy while being sober.

I wanted to move forward, but things form the past, doesn't want to allow me that space. I need God more than I need breath right now. I just cannot go home and face all these demons, all the negative thoughts and be left alone with it, it is driving me insane. Suicide is all that comes to mind. I had to sleep at the rehab last night, because I was scared that I would actually do it. So, they helped me out, but I still don't know where to from here, or what to do to make things right.

Saved by Grace!

Praying for Mieke and Charles

Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

Re: Relapse

Yes Stepeh I believe I did, and no I did not do that in a rehab, I was on the outside, living with people. I believe that it was God helping me to do so. I still know that God can and will help me, but I have to be able to help myself too. I want God to be my friend, how else, but who would be your friend if you are just a mess in life??

Saved by Grace!

Praying for Mieke and Charles

Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

Re: Relapse

Well, fortunately yours and my failures have no bearing on the Lord's continuing friendship.

My concern lies in the fact that by most accounts one needs at least six months of no-access before crack can be dealt with in real, permanent terms. Except in the case of a miraculous removal of the physical damage left by crack, the cravings can come back in almost unbearable fashion in a year of more unless dealt with in terms of the long-term.

I suspect it might take some real smart planning to head this thing off in terms of the future, and I for one, will be sincerely praying about this.

Getting past the remorse of failure will be the difficult thing for the present.

Re: Relapse

I really just want to do something about this you know. I honestly want to surrender, but practically, how do I do it?
I can’t move forward and I think that maybe subconsciously after all the hard work, someone is just going to come again and take all I have, whether it material, a piece of my character, dignity or personality. This is the cycle of my life. With everything that took place from a child until now, each and every case just reinforce my thoughts.
The Bi-polar just added another defect to my life. I am tired of being a defect. So, because I am convinced and perhaps even convicted that depression comes through the works of sin, I stopped my medication. God's children are not supposed to have any defects. I also know that on Saturday I should have rather consulted God and I would have been safe, but I was too overwhelmed and too angry to talk to Him. I know that I am the wrong one and all I tried to do is just keep on doing the right thing, but I am also tired to hear how wrong I am, even if I think I am doing what God wants me to do, I still don’t know what right things are. In the past I proved myself that when it comes to decision I suck in it. How do I then make choices in life if I continue to fail in doing so? I need God to help me on this, but it appears that I have shut the door between us by relapsing again this weekend.
I want God back in my life! How do I do this? How does one get free if the past keeps on haunting me? How do I get rid of it? I tried to face it head on, but it overpowered me once again. I tried to sort the mess, see the options and make something of myself in life, but still I am but no one. Life appears to be very difficult for me. Would God ever listen to me, if I am angry at Him?

It was sad to know yesterday that the only safe place I could find was running the rehab. What about God? I feared to ask Him for help again. It appears that is all I ever do. Will I ever be able to amount in something? Will I ever be someone without any labels? Will I ever be able to find peace in life? I had it for a while, but because of who I am, I threw it away again. I really need God, I have seen what He has done in my life, but still yesterday I feared Him greatly. Might be because I knew that the thoughts that was going on in my head was not from Him, yet I believed it more, then I believe in Him.

Saved by Grace!

Praying for Mieke and Charles

Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

Re: Relapse

Originally Posted by MercyChild

I really just want to do something about this you know. I honestly want to surrender, but practically, how do I do it?

Hopefully we can, with a bit of prayerful effort get down to that. And I think we realize in no uncertain terms that there are no easy terms or quick fixes in this, though some do experience instant delivery. Depending on the Lord's plan for us, most of us learn to master it step by step, day by day.

I can’t move forward and I think that maybe subconsciously after all the hard work, someone is just going to come again and take all I have, whether it material, a piece of my character, dignity or personality. This is the cycle of my life. With everything that took place from a child until now, each and every case just reinforce my thoughts.

And it appears this is the trigger - a chronic fear of losing something personally valuable or losing it all. Something we'll need to tackle as it arises.

The Bi-polar just added another defect to my life. I am tired of being a defect. So, because I am convinced and perhaps even convicted that depression comes through the works of sin, I stopped my medication. God's children are not supposed to have any defects.

I'm a child of God and have defects and am in need of help that He has provided for me. Without that help I could not walk. So, leaving off of that minimum medication was not the best of decisions?

I also know that on Saturday I should have rather consulted God and I would have been safe, but I was too overwhelmed and too angry to talk to Him.

Good insight. Perhaps the key to it all.

I need God to help me on this, but it appears that I have shut the door between us by relapsing again this weekend. I want God back in my life! How do I do this?

I would suggest you get back to the basics about God. Do you honestly believe He has gone somewhere because of your failure? And I know you are well versed in the Lord's mercy and forgiveness. Though I fail to understand this concept of being angry with God and cannot comment on it. Simply doesn't register with me.

It was sad to know yesterday that the only safe place I could find was running the rehab. What about God? I feared to ask Him for help again. It appears that is all I ever do. Will I ever be able to amount in something? Will I ever be someone without any labels? Will I ever be able to find peace in life? I had it for a while, but because of who I am, I threw it away again. I really need God, I have seen what He has done in my life, but still yesterday I feared Him greatly. Might be because I knew that the thoughts that was going on in my head was not from Him, yet I believed it more, then I believe in Him.

The day any of us stop asking the Lord for help is a sad day, indeed. But its not over till its over, and it appears He has granted you the privilege of starting again, you having identified and learned from your mistakes.

Re: Relapse

Originally Posted by MercyChild

I canít move forward and I think that maybe subconsciously after all the hard work, someone is just going to come again and take all I have, whether it material, a piece of my character, dignity or personality.

That is your problem. It's not the drugs. It's what they result in. Loss and destruction.

Has your life always been marred by those? Before drugs even?

Going to set up a fictional generalized story and you let me know if anything applies.

There once was a young child full of promise who grew up in a difficult circumstance. So much that it made her feel very desparately out of control and powerless.

When she became a young lady she took back control by turning to drugs ("if my life is going to go down in the crapper, at least I'm going to be the one doing it").

However, drugs being what they are ... they make a person feel out of control a lot more than anticipated. Which for a controlling person is a problem.

Then said young lady became a woman and learned about Jesus and about holiness and righteousness and clean living without addiction.

Now Jesus wants the control that is rightfully His but our young woman is still too engrossed in the struggle for control to even notice because somewhere within herself, she is desparately afraid that should she give full control to another ... what might happen?

Life is unpredictable. We have no control over all sorts of things. When the Bible calls people "like grass" then that is exactly what we are. We are also completely powerless before God and before certain things of His creation. But man loves to fake himself into a sense of power and control because the alternative is utter weakness, which Jesus showed us all too well by hanging there on that cross. But then He took that weakness, ate it for breakfast, chewed it up and spit it out, and restored us to God and now we can walk in the true strength we were created for, from the beginning, united with God.

So if you're feeling weak and powerless ... it's because you are. If you feel like you have no control over life ... it's because you don't. Nobody does. The only thing God realistically expects us to control is ourselves, and the only thing we ultimately truly have power over, are our own decisions.

There is a God who has all the power, and we are not Him. Okay? We're just not. There is also a devil out there struggling for power, and he is best left to dealt with by God. Because it's not our battle. It was there long before us, and it will be there long after, and allowing ourselves to be caught up in it is never a good idea. Which is why in every situation, every moment of every day, we choose Jesus and what He has taught us, and that is it.

Re: Relapse

Yes Dani, you are absolutely accurate, that is my story. This is the way I was thinking all the time, before someone destroys me again, let me do it first and so no one else will have the pleasure doing so. I have never seen this as wanting to be in control however, but whether I like it or not by reading this, that was what I was doing the entire time.

I know I am powerless, but could I not ask for some protection or security? Maybe that is why I think I feel angry towards God, I know I am not allow to think that way or justify it, but I can’t help to ask where He was when I could not protect myself. A still small voice also tells me that it was not God’s choice that all this happened, and humanly I just have so many unanswered questions.

Having power over my own choices, I don’t even have that any more. I look at past events and try to recall where I have had to make choices and I realise that I don’t know how to make the right decisions, even in the times when I was sober. I cannot manage my life and that is how it is. I can’t even look after myself properly, so who do I need. Off course I need God, I know that and I really want that, but I am so darn scared of getting hurt again. I don’t think I can take another knock in life. I am finished; there is nothing of me left alive any longer. Please, please, God knows I cannot do this alone anymore, I just can’t. But being angry at Him I think I have built a wall before Him. Some days I don’t even know why I keep on trying, but I know He knows, because I know that He has promised to complete the good work He has started in me. I want that back. I want God to manage and control my life. I want Him to protect me and become my security. I need Him, without Him I am just nothing

Saved by Grace!

Praying for Mieke and Charles

Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

Re: Relapse

Father God is perfectly able to protect you from yourself, love. You just have to give Him control and permission to do so. Because He isn't going to cross your will. He gave your will to you, to give back to Him. That is called "yielding". It's a voluntary thing, and God forces nobody to do it because of how He has created us. God always abides by His own rules and treats what He created, for what it is.

Ain't nobody hurting you but you, honey. Okay? Maybe it's time you understand that. You are your own aggressor and abuser. You might blame drugs and addiction ... but it's you, all this time. You do it because you choose to. You chose drugs because of how destructive they are. You chose to destroy yourself with drugs before anyone else could destroy you. But now you know Jesus and you're beginning to understand how valuable life actually is (including your own). So what to do about it?

Jesus isn't ever going to hurt you any worse than you've been hurting yourself all along. Because He actually loves you. Even when you don't really love you.

But we do have that commandment to love ourselves, too. Love God, love ourselves and other people as ourselves. None of the 3 are optional. You're guilty of breaking the second commandment, plain and simple.

Re: Relapse

Originally Posted by MercyChild

Is it right of me to ask God to clean up my mess? Should i not try to do something about it as well?

Every thing God does, He does with us. It's not an either/or situation, but you and Jesus together. We make our decisions, and we choose Him and we choose to love Him and ourselves and other people, in every situation, all day, every day.

God isn't going to put you in a coma and wave His magic wand. You used your power of choice for bad. Use it for good, now. That is called redemption.

That's how Paul went from murdering Christians to being their defender and protector. He went from persecuting Christ, to being persecuted for Him. Paul chose to lay his old life down and receive a new life for Jesus. And Jesus chose to keep Paul around and let him make up for everything he did, and then some (and here we are 2000 years later having our Bible because Paul made a choice to follow Jesus and let God redeem all the messes he made, and aren't you glad about how merciful the Lord is?).

Jesus can redeem you, Linda. Will you let Him?

Maybe give your testimony to teenage drug users? Maybe use that power of choice and that working with God together, to redeem other lives from destruction and to help others understand what their struggle is and what they're really doing to themselves? Because you're not the type of person who is going to do it for yourself. That means you need a valid reason outside of yourself. Because you're also a servant and a very compassionate person who wants to be strong for others. So let God redeem you in and from your weakness so you can be there for others in theirs.

You cannot love others properly until you understand your true worth. You cannot understand your true worth until you understand that Jesus gave His life for yours. You are worth God's life, Linda. Okay? You are. Why? Because God says so and for no other reason.

How are you going to help others in this if you don't have a handle on it? So get a handle on it and then go ... let Jesus redeem your past by changing your present choices to build a different future so that others can be redeemed also.

Re: Relapse

Here is what is killing me. I have never felt or lived life the way I did after I met God. I got to see life with different eyes. I was given many opportunities by God Himself. I even wrote a book because I so desperately want other addicts to know just what God can do. Can you understand for just a moment how ashamed I am because threw everything back in His face, just because I thought I have lost a case, because I felt so hurt of getting broken down to amount in nothing.

Can you understand that I feel worthless because I have chosen to go against God’s will? Can you see why I am so angry towards myself? God gave me something which was good, He set me free, He gave me new life and I just threw it all away. He has given me grace upon grace, upon grace which I did not deserve.

All I am longing for is to have a peaceful relationship with Him again. If all else is lost, i am okay with it. I have given away my will to drugs away when I chose use again, now I want to take it back and give it to God. That is honestly what I want. I have never had such peace, never felt so loved and cared for as the time I only lived for Him. I want to do that again, buty I also don't want to fall again. I want Him to be by my side and please stop me from me. I need Him to handle my thoughts, I need Him to heal me and give me rest in Him. I want to stop believing the lies that I cannot trust anyone, including God. I want to call upon Him and know that He is there. The moment I doubt of God’s presence I lose control and old feelings and thoughts seem to get the best of me.

I have not listened to advice for a long time. I always had to do what I thought was right. That is how I managed to keep alive until now, sticking with my own advice, own will and own plans. I always had to look out for myself, no one else did, and if I stopped looking out, there was loads of trouble to come. I just could not trust anyone else, but today I can no longer even trust myself. I am my greatest enemy.

I am still at the office too scared to go home, because I am too scared to spend time with myself. I am scared that once alone I will again believe my own negative thoughts. Thoughts that are not true, lies I have been taught because of life experience. I don’t want to do anything out of God’s will any longer. I am surrendering right here, right now. I am done fighting, I am done with trying to make plans and live my own life. I am done.

Saved by Grace!

Praying for Mieke and Charles

Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.