Monday, November 17, 2014

The Many Disguises and Being Real About Grief

Being
real can seem elusively hard.

This is especially the case when we say “I’m alright!” insisting
others are being overly cautious and sympathetic in their support. There are
many disguises for grief, which we might call unabridged sorrow because of
loss.

There is anger.
Transference is a phenomenon whereby people transfer their anger from one
source (the true source) onto another; the grief is veiled and something else
or someone else wears the slow fermenting yet hard-baked wrath that comes
vitriolically ripe for the moment.

There is denial.
“Everything’s okay!” might be the ironic whistle-charge. When we are in denial
there is no acknowledged problem when there clearly is. The opposite effect
solidifies the notion of imbalance when we begin to bargain our way through
life, to the effect of making ‘deals’ in our recovery.

There is fatigue.
When grief looks sinisterly like depression, and hope is vanquished for the
felt reality of despair, we come to the end of ourselves and it’s a horrible
thought. We are so vulnerable. Such exposure brings us to the point of jumping
in the presence of shadows.

A fourth facade is knowing
it all. When we are trying to prop up our own fragile emotions, we can
actually enrol in the paradox of being most in control, and to the point where
advice comes freely from our lips; distinctively in clichés, which are truths
inappropriately and insensitively delivered or delivered out of context and/or are
crassly timed.

There are more I’m sure, but the act is the same: the critical
mass of truth is shied away from, when reality is just too harsh to be
stomached. But God gives us all equal opportunity to embark with him on a
journey, day by day, with every day’s reality. We should neither be afraid nor
resentful of any reality we are presented with.

***

Being real about grief is a mix of denying none of our reality
whilst making time for the actual processes to take place. Being real about
grief is simply about being real. It takes the evidence presented on a public
and private stage – evidence of mental, emotional, and spiritual health or
ill-health – and acts objectively on what is observed. The waters of compassion
run over the brim so that we can give ourselves the opportunity for healing we
need.

The best reality of grief to find ourselves in is the compassion
reality – to have the compassion for ourselves we need to give ourselves the
time we need.

Disguises for what we are really experiencing are damaging. There
is no freedom like the truth.

With courage to face the truth of our reality, the way to healing
is certain.

When we have faith in the healing way, restoration takes on transformative
means.