Between a rock and a hard place

So my parents divorced when I was 4…I’m now 33…I am getting married Dec 20 this year, and the subject of money is a touchy one. My fiancé and I dont have gobs of money, and my mother and father don’t speak. The problem is, my mother has told me she plans on splitting everything down the middle with my father, and I’ve told him that. My mother insists that I have this conversation with him again, so that he knows what is expected of him. In the past, when he has been called upon to split financial things with her (college) he has up front said “of course” and then at then at the n’th hour, balked, and my mother and step father have been left to cover the rest. My reluctance has little to do with a potentially awkward and frustrating conversation with my father, it’s more to do with the fact that I feel like I’m being placed in the middle of a conversation they need to have with each other. I’m 33, so it’s not that I’m stomping my feet and demanding my mommy and daddy just get along, it’s more that I feel like I’m being placed in the middle by my mother to have a conversation with my father that she should be having. Thoughts? Is it fair or valid for me to ask my mother and father to speak to each other about budget and who is paying for what?

TheAnxiousBride: I disagree that this is a conversation that your mother should have with your father. You are 33 years old. You and your FI should be planning the wedding that the two of you can afford. Any contributions from parents are purely optional. We are long past the time when parents were automatically expected to pay for their children’s weddings.

1. “Mom if you want to tell/ask Dad something I’m gonna ask that you do it yourself. I won’t be in the middle anymore.” Repeat ad nauseum.

2. “Mom, I really appreciate anything you’re willing to contribute to our wedding. Please give whatever you feel comfortable with and Dad will do the same. When you ask me to make sure that the cost is split we both know that the cost won’t be split but I will.”

3. “I don’t know how much Dad will contribute, if you want to ask him please do it yourself. I won’t be in the middle anymore.”

Has your dad expressed any interest in giving you money for the wedding? I think if your mom wants to give you money then great, she should give you how ever much she wants and can afford regardless of whether your dad gives you money or not.

I would not expect your parents who don’t speak to magically cooperate with each other because of your wedding, mine certainly didn’t.

TheAnxiousBride: It is not your mothers decision if and what your father contributes to your wedding. It is his choice.

Plan on paying for your own wedding and then graciously accept any help that is offered. Do not solicate the help and definately do not emotionally balckmail your father (with the mum said or mum is doing this crap) into funding your wedding.

This seems odd to me. Your mom has not spoken to your father about money, but she “plans” for him to split the costs with her? This is a huge assumption.

But assuming that he is willing, I would not make a fuss. You’re lucky to be getting any money from either of them at all, so I would suck it up and do whatever you have to do. I would not complain about being in the middle… of two people who are willing to pay for your wedding. Sounds like an ok place to be.

If my dad had a history of not helping with college, there is no way I would ask my mom to help with wedding. Seriously, She and Stepdad paid for all college, its time to stand on your own two feet, pay for your wedding and YOU ask your dad to chip in.

TheAnxiousBride: I’m just curious- if they don’t talk how does she know that he will contribute as well- esp the same amount? Thats a huge assumption…. traditionally speaking, yes he should as the father of the bride, but times have changed and in this economy I hardly think that’s a given anymore… I would tell mom you are not counting on him contributing anything and if she wants to take that up with him, be your guest, but its rude to be asking anyone to pay for your choices/wants… If he offered that would be one thing, but it doesnt sound like he did….

And ya, I agree with PP’s that if mom & stepdad paid for college you should consider paying for your wedding yourself instead of riding on your parent’s dime again… Sorry, if that sounds harsh but I have yet to take any money from my parents except a loan my mom took out for my college, but I pay that bill for her monthly as well so it’s not really her responsibility except on paper… I figure they paid for every single thing up until I was 18, the least I can do is support myself now and maybe pay back some of their kindness and generosity if I am able…

My hubby and I are 28 and we paid for our wedding ourselves (we saved for the wedding we wanted and made many sacrifices during the year of planning). Any help from our parents/family was greatly appreciated but not expected. At 33, I would say you should just plan the wedding you can afford because otherwise you’re setting yourself up for an uncomfortable situation that could potentially ruin one of the most important days of your lives.

I went to community college for my Associates. Not Yale. I am paying for my Bachelors myself. I realize that I am 33, but when your parents offer to pay for the wedding, you plan accordingly, and then when one half balks at the last minute, it becomes frustrating. I want for nothing from my parents. I have been on my own since I was 18. I’ve have borrowed money from my parents maybe twice- and have always paid them back. My frustration lies with the fact that I feel like I’m being put in the middle (as most children of divorce feel from time to time) when my mom could reach out to my dad and say- “hey- what are you able to contribute?” And then it’s a done deal. I don’t want any feelings of negativity put on me by either party because I was the one having a conversation about money that isn’t mine. All I was asking was if it was appropriate to ask that my parents discuss this, and not with me in middle. If it is a matter of my fiancé and I contributing more than we ALREADY ARE, then we can plan for that. I didn’t expect to have unsolicited advice regarding my maturity, standing on my own two feet, or the apparent assumption I have that mommy and daddy will pay for “my big day.” I’m not that person. So if anyone has anything constructive to offer, I’m listening.

TheAnxiousBride: If the stance of your mom is that she’ll go half on the wedding with your father, then yeah, personally I think she should discuss it with him. However, knowing the history that they don’t, and won’t, talk to each other, I believe the best route would be to go to your parents separately and just ask them for a dollar amount they are willing to contribute, then only count on the money you, FI, and your mom have committed. That way if your dad flakes, it won’t interrupt your plans.

TheAnxiousBride: I think we are all offering constructive feedback. My apologies if you feel that people are attacking your maturity. I think what we’re trying to convey is that if you’re concerned your father will not contribute then don’t expect him to and then plan accordingly. There isn’t an appropriate way to ask for money from your parents (in my opinion). So take the situation for what it is. If you really want your parents to contribute, then bite the bullet and just ask and face the consequences (and have a back-up plan). If you’re worried about the consequences, then pay for the wedding yourselves.