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Iowa Infrastructure Initiatives

Iowa’s legislators are back at work after a refreshing seven-month break from their elected duties, which most of them spent fundraising so they could get elected again in time for next year’s seven-month sabbatical.

One of the legislature’s most pressing annual duties is figuring out how to quickly distribute the tens of billions of dollars worth of Federal subsidies that will quietly flow into the State this year, as they did last year, and as they will next year.

A large portion will typically be doled out to farmers to grow certain crops, while another portion will be doled out to other farmers to not grow certain other crops.

But the best way to tie up the big bucks is to allocate them to massive infrastructure projects that stimulate the economy by generating jobs for campaign contributors, who then underwrite advertising in which our elected officials complain about Washington subsidies to fire up their voter bases.

It’s the Political Circle of Life, writ large. Hakuna Matata!

Here are eight Iowa infrastructure initiatives we can expect to see pulled from this year’s barrel of pork tenderloins:

1. The Lamoni Skywalk: Will connect the Iowa Visitors Center at Exit 4 on I-35 to Maid Rite, Kum n’ Go, and the Super 8 Motel. Future appropriations will be earmarked for expansion to Quilt Country and Hardee’s.

2. Grease Trap Pipeline XL: A vast network of plumbing designed to capture all the grease from the State’s fried tenderloin industry and funnel it to Keokuk, where it will be loaded onto container ships, ferried to the Gulf of Mexico, and dumped at sea — thereby assuring that it cannot be recycled to undermine the State’s corn oil production quotas.

3. The Great Wall of Clive: A 10-foot high barricade will be erected around Clive City Limits to clearly identify — for the first time in State history — exactly where the city is located. Future appropriations will be earmarked to build a similar containment around Waukee.

4. The Cedar Rapids El: A raised roadway system that will ensure soy, hog and corn truckers have unimpeded access from Waterloo and points north to the Iowa 80 Truck Stop whenever Cedar Rapids is underwater.

5. The Burj Fort Dodge: A 635-foot office and residential tower in Webster County that will become Iowa’s tallest building. The Arabic name honors the strong cultural ties between Fort Dodge and Al-Shuwaib, its sister city in the United Arab Emirates. Future appropriations will be earmarked to house the Terry Brandstad Gubernatorial Library and Mausoleum in the tower. The Governor for Life will be embalmed after his passing and will lie in public display on the highest floor for 1,000 years.

6. Tinywood: A vast, Branson-style family entertainment complex designed to celebrate the life of Tiny Tim, who lived in Iowa for five years — making him a local son per the same statutes that allow John Wayne, Mamie Eisenhower, Johnny Carson, and countless others to be honored as Great Temporary Iowans.

7. Loess Hills Slope Easement: An important civil engineering project running from Sioux City to Council Bluffs that will bulldoze the steep, sandy hills on the State’s western border, thereby eliminating early inconveniences faced by RAGBRAI riders. Future appropriations will be earmarked for the Black Squirrel Golf and Recreation Complex, honoring the memory of the unique rodents that will unfortunately have to be exterminated as part of this project.

8. Quad Cities Super Collider: A massive proton smasher will be erected alongside I-80 and I-280 around the Quad Cities, taking advantage of gravitational pull exerted by the high speed traffic that already circles that route, never stopping within it.