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A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh playing the fruit machine.
He calls over, "Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?" and Van Gogh replies, "No thanks. I've got one 'ere."

I was in the local garden centre yesterday, and I swear I saw Michael J. Fox.

I couldn’t be 100% though, as he had his back to the Fuchsias!

“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

An Irish farm hand was complaining to his mate that this girl he fancied completely ignores him. After a quiet man to man talk, the farmhand proceeds to the machine shed where his mate found him talking to himself. What are you doing mate, "well" he said, "you told me to say something nice to a tractor, so I'm here talking to this one!.