Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Christmas? Forget About It!

“Kathy’s kinda evil, cuz she doesn’t give a sh!t.” That’s Teresa Giudice‘s take on her cousin Kathy Wakile. It’s a fair assessment, but it also applies to Teresa and, um…everyone else on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. In week three of the most epic Christmas special ever, various guido families gather to exchange words like “family” and “special” and “DIE!” The families on RHONJ take “Jesus’ birthday” seriously and nothing says, “Happy b-day, JC!” like pasta, bling, and ridiculous fights that are sure to turn the next generation of cousins against one another.

Since Teresa and Joe Gorga are having the same friggin’ fight they have every week, this year, the Christmas festivities are split between two gaudy mansions with an excess of pasta. And because they can’t be under the same roof without gouging each other’s eyes out with press-on nails, Kathy and Teresa host dueling Christmas Eve gatherings (My Italian friends have informed me that guidos celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve, which makes perfect sense if you’re retarded). Naturally, this compromise satisfies exactly no one. The Manzos, meanwhile, host a perfectly normal, wholesome get-together which is, of course, boring as hell.

After the exchange of corny gifts (Really, Manzos? You’re all gonna wear matching bracelets?) it’s finally Christmas morning. I feel like Christmas Eve hasn’t dragged on this long since I asked Santa for the Ninja Turtles fortress. It seems the RHONJ camera crew gets the Christmas off to go home, reflect on their career decisions, and drink heavily, because as if this episode wasn’t boring enough, we get subjected to a montage of Christmas morning home movies. Fortunately, it’s accompanied by a voice-over about what a spoiled brat Ashley Laurita is. Ashley’s mom, Jacqueline, informs us that Ashley has never bought her a Christmas present and is the jowly, pock-marked spawn of Satan (OK, I made that last part up). Ya know what I don’t like? Ashley Laurita.

Oh, but it looks like it was just the Lauritas who decided to celebrate the holiday without a production crew living in their basement. The Gorga children open their ridiculously lavish presents on camera, because what’s the point of buying your kids needlessly expensive sh!t if millions of people can’t watch them unwrap it? But as if the kids weren’t spoiled enough, Melissa Gorga steps in to remind everyone who the real bling brat is. Yep, that was a gold Rolex she just pulled off the tree and, yeah, she just threw that Louis Vuitton carry-on bag on the floor. No wonder her husband expects daily sex.

“We wanna teach our kids that Christmas is not about material things. It’s also about family,” Teresa says before adding, “Here’s Santa getting all this credit, while I’m busting my @ss.” She then goes on to explain how she usually exchanges her husband’s gifts and asks him where the diamonds are. Man, these people get down with the meaning of Christmas like a friggin’ Charlie Brown special. Meanwhile, the Manzos, who are probably the best couple on reality TV, share a genuinely heartwarming moment alongside the Jersey turnpike. That sounds sarcastic, but seriously, Albert pulling over to propose for a second time is enough to make you agree with Caroline when she says she “hit the jackpot.”

Then it’s back to the gaudy Gorgas. Joe surprised Melissa with a private in-home recording studio. Sounds nice, until you hear their reactions to it. “I wanted a bling microphone,” she whines. “Locked her in. Where is she now? Here with me,” he boasts. Cute. You’re both terrible people. Caroline Mano’s kids, however, are awesome. And apparently one of them is banging Billy Joel’s daughter. Chris and Albie, along with their gay roommate, should probably get their own spin-off. You’re welcome, Bravo. I’ll await my royalty check.

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