Letting Go and Hanging On

Why is it that doing the thing that is best for you sometimes hurts the absolute worst? The one thing I did for myself today was to unexpectedly let go of someone whom I have trusted and cared about since my world imploded nearly 18 months ago. I won’t go into the details, but suffice it to say that I got hurt badly once again. I know that in the long run that this is the best decision, if not for both of us, then for at least for me, but for right now, it simply hurts. I spent the day erasing every remnant of this person from my physical life by deleting pictures, contact information, connections on social media, etc., and I only wish it were that easy to erase this person from my mind and heart. I guess today was a good start, albeit an immensely painful one.

So, I let go of this relationship for myself, and I hung on to myself for my daughters. I have dealt with anxiety and depression for a while now, and my daughters are aware of both of them and know that they are not the cause of either. They also know that I have received, and continue to receive, treatment for both, but I have never shared with them the causes for either of them, as it’s not appropriate to do so at their young ages. Today, all I felt like doing was to give in to the pain and isolate myself, as I have done before, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t allow my decision to negatively impact my time off with them. Fortunately, I am very adept at putting on a big smile to hide when I am hurt, and I was able to do so today and focused on making it a fun day of playing Barbies, romping in the dusting of snow that fell, and watching “Elf”. Tonight, while my younger daughter was at basketball practice, I gave my oldest daughter my undivided attention and played “The Game of Life” with her and had a touching talk with her about a variety of subjects. I know that these are things every good parent does, but on a day when I felt at my worst, I was glad that I still was able to give them my best.

So, it was definitely not a great day overall, but I got through it and tried to do some good for myself and others. I just hope that it was good enough.