Stop Fighting with Your Teen

Slammed doors and screeching arguments can be facts of life with a teen in your household. Here, how to defuse the fireworks.

So, advises Stern, tell your child, "Give me reasons for your thinking. Try to convince me that your way is better than mine, because if it is, then I want to do it that way." Obviously there comes a point where the listening ends and the limit-setting begins. Stern suggests saying something like, "I hear you, and I want to be flexible, but I'm the parent here, and I have my own ethics and standards. I'm not going to change my mind, because this is what I believe is right. I'm sorry you're upset and disappointed."

Walk away. When your kids were younger, you couldn't absent yourself during a fight  you can't exactly leave a little one unsupervised in the middle of Macy's. Now you can, and sometimes should, give yourself a breather. "It's OK to walk away," says Dr. Haltzman. "Just be clear that it's a decision you are making" because the fight is heading out of bounds; you don't want it to appear that you are storming off. Stephanie Sacco, mom of six in Troy, MI, finds it useful to tell her 15-year-old daughter, Rachel, "We both need time to cool down and think about what we really want to say" and then regroup later. Just don't get baited into continuing the argument, says Dr. Haltzman. Once you say you're tabling the discussion, mean it: Don't say another word.

Allow your teen to walk away, too. "When you're tempted to say, 'Don't you walk away from me when I'm talking to you,' remember that your teen is actually doing what you've taught him to do  that is, remove himself from a situation that's getting out of hand," says Peter Benson, Ph.D., an expert on adolescents and the author of Sparks: How Parents Can Help Ignite the Hidden Strengths of Teenagers. "Waiting allows for a conversation that's much more productive." To restart the conversation, you can say, "Now that the dust has settled, let's finish this conversation so we can both move on."

Know how to recover from a bad fight. When an argument is over, try to smooth things over fairly quickly. Even if he's not talking, Stern suggests, say something like, "I know this has been a rough one, and I'm sorry about that. I know that we're both in the middle of our feelings right now, but I want you to know that I love you and as soon as you feel better, I'm ready to do something fun or talk through this."

Many kids will signal that they're ready to reconnect by emerging from their rooms to get something to eat from the kitchen or grab a magazine. Take that opportunity to say something like, "Are you OK? Want to go out and get some ice cream? Or can I have a hug?"

And while you're waiting for that to happen, remind yourself that fighting  provided it's done right  is a good thing. "People who are good at solving conflicts are better leaders, parents, and partners," says Falcone. "And by fighting fairly with our kids, we're preserving  and even enhancing  the most powerful parenting tool we have at our disposal: our relationship with them."

Avoid These Triggers

Fighting fair means steering clear of tactics that act like a match to gasoline. Here, advice from our experts:

Stick to one issue at a time. Avoid the "kitchen sink" arguments that start with one thing and end up encompassing your kid's every transgression over the past two years.

Nix "forever" words: "You always throw your towels on the bathroom floor"; "You never listen to me when I talk to you."

Avoid comparisons like "Your brother never had any trouble getting home on time."

Skip these proven kid-enraging phrases:

"End of conversation."

"When I was your age..."

"Just do it, OK?"

"Here we go again with this."

"I cannot believe you just said that."

"My mother would have slapped me in the face if I'd talked to her that way."

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