I Denounce You Anti-Christ;and Monkey Chants

Stormont. It's a place that conjures up images of bowler-hatted Orangemen, decades of Unionist oppression and Ian 'No! No! Never! We want to march down that road!' Paisley - a man who once greeted the Pope's visit to the EU parliament by yelling "I denounce you, anti-Christ!" and, at a recent dinner with taoiseach Bertie Ahern, asked for boiled eggs to help ensure he wouldn't be drugged or poisoned. On Saturday morning, however, Stormont will be full of love, with thousands of people from all faiths attending George Best's funeral.

Best's body will leave his father's Cregagh Road home at 10am on Saturday morning, before making the mazy trip to Stormont's Great Hall. "We have a number of stars that have agreed to appear and perform at the service," whispered Adrian Donaldson of Castlereagh Council, seemingly under the impression he was organising a circus, not a funeral. And that was before he let slip that hungry TV presenter Eamonn "I love the MU Rowdies, me" Holmes would be "master of ceremonies".

The Fiver fears a saccharine-sweet schmaltz-fest - admittedly a given with Holmes on board - although at least Elton John isn't booked. One man who will be there is Alex Ferguson, who is flying over before the Rowdies face Portsmouth. "For once, the 5.15pm kick-off will help us," explained club suit Ken Ramsden. Meanwhile, flowers, replica shirts and scarves continued to pile up at the gates of Belfast City Hall, where they're predicting the biggest funeral in Northern Ireland's history. Somewhere between the 100,000 that turned up for Bobby Sands, and the 14 who saw off Jim 'Doris Day' Gray is the Fiver's prediction.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"People criticised me for that, saying 'get on with it, it's football and that's how it is', but I had lived half my life there and I never said goodbye" - anxious not to be outdone by the untimely exit of another MU Rowdies old boy, David Beckham recalls his own tragically premature exit from the GlazerDome.

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BLACK AND WHITE AND NOT ALL OVER

Monday tasks in Fiver Towers: locate Disprin, prop open eyes with matchsticks, fetch coffee, wipe coffee off keyboard, call IT, regain semblance of composure, check football results, check what Italian fans threw on to various Serie A pitches over the weekend. Coins? Bottles? Phones? Scooters? Corpses? Coliseums? No, this weekend they opted to hurl racist insults. Again. But a righteous player decided to take a stand and today Messina defender Marc Zoro received the backing of the Italian authorities.

In the 66th minute of yesterday's clash between Messina and Inter in Sicily, Zoro picked up the ball and walked off the pitch in protest at the monkey chants spewed at him by savage Inter fans. "I was fed up with it," explained the 21-year-old Ivorian. "It was the classic treatment of black players in Italy - it happens all over the country, Lazio fans being the worst," he continued, as Inter defender and Lazio old boy Sinisa Mihajlovic whistled innocently and looked at his shoes. Other Inter players expressed their support, however. Adriano and Obafemi Martins comforted Zoro and persuaded him to return to the pitch so the match could finish, while Luis Figo and Juan Veron apologised on behalf of the club. Indeed, even club kingpin Massimo Moratti today praised Zoro as "an intelligent man who acted in a brave and intelligent way". But not everyone at Inter was impressed: "[Centre-back and Everton legend Marco] Materazzi shouted 'stop that, Zoro, you're just trying to make a name for yourself'," revealed Zoro. "I didn't even argue with him, I've no intention of lowering myself to that level."

The Italian FA have announced that next week all league fixtures will kick off five minutes late so that players can unfurl "no to racism" banners. Not as inventive as Treviso players who recently showed their disdain for racism by painting their faces black; but noble and, of course, absolutely foolproof. Racist loo-laas will never think of turning up five minutes later than usual, or ... gosh, totally ignoring the plea. And it seems Italian clubs will never pluck up the courage to confront the all-powerful fans in the Curvas - and boot the belligerent morons out.

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THE RUMOUR MILL

Real Betis's Joaquin says he can't deny the rumours linking him with Newcastle United Comedy Club. Bet he wishes he could, mind.

And Milan's Gennaro Gattuso, Valencia's Marco Caneira and Depor's Aldo Duscher all have the feeling they're being watched. By a strange purple man. In an MU Rowdies tracksuit.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

The supporter murdered in Amsterdam after travelling to watch Middlesbrough play AZ Alkmaar has been named as 36-year-old Brendan O'Connor.

A mere 13 months after it happened, the FA has fined Chelsea £30,000 and warned West Ham over fan clashes during their Milk Cup tie.

Dvd O'Lry's bizarre on-field jig at Birmingham may have gone unpunished, but the abuse the Villa boss directed towards Graham Poll has earned him a £5,000 FA fine.

Freddie Ljungberg's opted for a curious treatment in a bid to cure his knee knack. "They [doctors] explained that people with heart problems had been helped by having their wisdom teeth out. The heart is a muscle as well, so I thought 'why not?'"

And Fulham are to re-name their current Stevenage Road Stand the Johnny Haynes Stand.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Several George Best obituaries claimed him to be the 'most appropriately named footballer ever'. What about Kieron Dyer?" - Danny Birchall.

"Am I alone in wondering how unfair the attention being paid to George Best is compared to that given to the death of rally driver Richard Burns? Burns was committed, focused and hard-working, while Best became a self-indulgent, self-abusing waster that was lionised for his ridiculously drunken behaviour. If ever there was an indication that life is not fair, there it is" - Gavin Thistlethwaite.

"Following reports of the possible sponsorship of the MU Rowdies by a leading internet search engine, can we expect the Trafford GlazerDome to be renamed the Googleplex?" - Phil Evans.

"Is it me or does it seem like Match Of The Day are inventing records for Thierry Henry to break? This week he became the first player to score 100 goals in one stadium. What will it be next week? Henry becomes the first player to wear five different coloured pairs of football boots in one season?" - Patrick Child.

"The article on Jamie Redknapp's Icon magazine project sits splendidly on your website next to Simon Jordan's terrific grumble about player over-indulgence. I do sincerely hope Jordan's next article is a review of said magazine" - Dean Gripton.

"Re: today's Man City v Liverpool match report. I expect to read a report of the match, not a diatribe on whether a minute's silence happened or not. I personally have had enough of the George Best articles, so next time please leave 'comments' to another section of your newspaper" - Balbir Purewal (and many other Liverpool fans).

Sky Sports 1: Playball (7.15pm) "Despite working the nightshift, I manage to get home (it's a 30 minute-drive) to watch a movie or football match and get back to clock out after my 10-hour shift is over," writes Donal Cullen, in a modest bid to reveal how he's sticking it to The Man with aplomb.

Live Football League: Cardiff City v Ipswich Town (7.30pm) "On the rare occasions that I am in work, I spend my time writing frivolous emails like this one," he continues.

You're On Sky Sports (10.15pm) "The only problem is I get paid a fairly poor stipend for this, but tomorrow I'm going in to ask for a pay rise.

Soccer AM: The Best Bits (11.45pm) "Whether or not I get one is irrelevant, as I have another job lined up for the New Year which 'they' don't know about. To be honest, the only reason I'm still here is to collect my Christmas bonus."

Setanta: The Hub (7pm) Another job? The one you have sounds great.

Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm) "To crown it all, I'm using a lot of my 'free' time to write a book on work ethics.

Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm) "Please feel free to publish my name as there isn't a hope in hell that my boss or anyone associated with the company will read this and find out."

Newstalk106FM (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy (7pm) We'll see. Do your workplace efforts make Donal look hard done by? Explain all to the.boss@theguardian.com in an email marked I Got Paid To Learn The Sitar.