Upcoming 24-hours news channel to focus solely on anything said by anyone

Mumbai. In order to provide viewers with latest and most urgent updates an upcoming news channel has decided to solely focus on statements issued by politicians, but not limited to politicians only.

The soon-to-be-launched news channel called “Statement Broadcasting & Entertainment Network” (SBEN-TV) will have news presentations, prime-time debates, special features and analysis reports all concentrating specifically on contemporary statements issued by various public figures.

“What does media industry need today? We need focus and we need focused products. And SBEN is going to focus on statements. We will not focus at-all on sacrifices and struggles of armed forces, not on major natural calamities in which a lot of people are killed, not on issues which genuinely affect normal people. Why? Because no news channel is focusing on these news; in fact, no one wants to see these news. We all are deeply interested in what random people from the office-bearing party said.”

“Hence we would begin by focusing on statements made by a specific set of people i.e. office-bearing MPs and MLAs. We would slice and dice anything said by them formally or informally, officially or unofficially, categorically or tentatively. Whether it’s a statement on space travel or a statement on ancient scriptures or a statement on space travel mentioned in ancient scriptures, we will re-run these statements a million times on our channel, until viewers by-heart each word of them,” Barjatiya explained.

“And that’s not all. We will further provide viewers with complete analysis of statement-giver’s political & family history and his or her exact motives behind what was said. We will also present detailed analysis on how does one unofficial statement made by one person in a party actually reflects thinking of each and every person in the whole party,” he added.

On being asked if he is concerned if statements alone would present sufficient content for a 24 hours news channel, Barjatiya dismissed such concerns.

“Let’s not kid ourselves guys. When it’s late in the night, every 24 hours news-channel plans to show telebrand commercials, we don’t show news during those hours, right? But besides those late-night slots we would be largely occupied. Our channel would have at least 6 to 7 one hour panel debates every day, on statements which are voluntarily or involuntarily issued by MPs and MLAs. In case they have not said anything by 11 AM IST, we would declare it as a code red situation for our channel. In code-red situation our reporters will reach out to as many office-bearing politicians as possible within the next hour and try to get them to speak a few words on any topics under the sun, which we can then analyze and present to our viewers.”

“If we still remain content-less, we will have solid backup plans. We will then start showing anything said by any random person in any context and ask the PM to clarify his stand on it. Still if all these plans fail, we will start critically analyzing factual statements made in Baba Ramdev’s old yoga videos. So you see, we have ocean-loads of content to keep our viewers engaged,” Barjatiya concluded with a satisfactory smile.

Although it is not entirely clear on when will SBEN-TV actually go live, the network has already started poaching zealous reporters from other major news channels. On one hand leading theater actors are being hired for news-presenter roles, on the other hand top-notch fiction writers are being signed up for envisioning high-TRP screenplays for prime-time slots.