My last name is pronounced shi-LAD-ee (roughly rhymes with beef patty). I love puns, cacti, eating out, and good punctuation in text messages. I'm a lifelong Latter-day Saint and I'm gay.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Remembering Tami

This is a post that I mostly wrote for myself. I just had to
say something about my buddy.

My friend Tami Boyens passed away yesterday. I woke up this
morning to news of her passing. Grief is a funny thing. At first I felt just
fine and then I just started sobbing. Usually when I cry I cry because I’m
joyful or something touches me, but today I’ve been crying because I’m
devastated. I’ve cried more tears today than in the whole last year combined.

Tami and I were in the same PhD program. She was a year
ahead of me and one of the first people I met in Tucson. She was always so kind
and good to me. We’d frequently complain about school together. Every time we
ran into each other on campus she’d give me a big hug and we’d stop and chat.
She was one of those people who I knew cared about me. I went to her
dissertation proposal defense and brought a dozen donuts. I remember waiting
with her in the hallway after the defense and chowing down on donuts while we
waited to hear if she had passed or not. And then when she passed we cheered
and hugged.

She loved the carrot smoothie even though it was terrible

She was a great writer and was so witty. She also swore like
a sailor. After repeatedly saying the F-word while talking to me she’d
frequently apologize. I always told her not to worry and to just be herself. But
she knew I didn’t care for swearing and she cleaned up her language around me
anyway. We would often meet up to chat at coffee shops, but since I don’t drink
coffee I recommended meeting up at Jamba Juice and that kind of became our
thing. Tami and I are both ENFPs and she would always say that I was just the
Mormon male version of her.

This last year was particularly rough for Tami. It felt like
she was flickering out. She would message me and tell me that she was having a
tough day so I’d make her go out and do something with me. One night I made her
come to a Thanksgiving dinner with me at the LDS Institute. She’d never been
there before and didn’t know anyone else there but me. After dinner they had an
open mic sort of thing where anyone could get up and say what they were
thankful for. I wrote the following in my journal: “At first no one stood up
and I jokingly told Tami to say something. She said, 'Okay,' and then walked up
to the microphone. She said that her friend Ben had invited her, that she’d
never been to the Institute before, and that she was thankful for Institute
because everyone had been so friendly and kind and shared food with her. It was
actually really touching and then everyone clapped for her. It was awesome.”
Tami was super ballsy.

One of the last times I hung out with Tami was in early December.
She hadn’t been able to leave her apartment all day and asked if I could bring
her a burrito. I got her a California burrito at Nico’s and instead of eating
it right away she set it down because she had so many stories to tell me first. Tami definitely knew how to talk. I took over a bunch of papers I had to grade and we laughed and talked for
hours while I graded. When I left she gave me $10 for the burrito. It only cost
$6 so I tried to give her change, but she said, “Keep the change, I’m sure you’ll
be bringing me food in the future.” It hurts that I won’t get that
opportunity to share a meal with Tami again. I think I will take those $4 and
get a Jamba Juice.

Today I lit a candle in Tami’s honor. The only candle I had
was a Santa candle and I think Tami would have laughed that I lit a Santa
candle to remember her. I know Tami didn’t believe in an afterlife, but I do.
And I’d like to think that if there is an afterlife, that my grandma Dorothy
Schilaty found Tami today and introduced herself. I just like the idea of Tami being with someone I know right now. Tami always told me that I
was "Schilawesome" and I know that she would think my grandma was, too. I will
miss Tami fiercely. I will remember her gumption, her humor, her love, and most of all I will remember how good she was to me. She is one of a kind.