Thursday, August 27, 2009

The problem with wallpapering is knowing when to stop. It comes on those big rolls, you've been inhaling paste fumes, maybe your mind is wandering... next thing you know you've covered the walls and the bed and you have to run get a box cutter to free the cat. Sorry, kitty!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

"The majority of the basement is covered in black mold and in biblical proportions," says this listing found by Matt. And I have nothing contumelious to say about it, because they've been admirably honest in the description. "Not for the faint of heart or respiratory system!" -- well, there's just no improving that, is there?

So maybe sometimes people do things just right. And we don't mock them. We just sit back and stare at the mold in awe... and wonder how that house ever ended up submerged in a canal.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Mantelpiece + heatsource = fireplace. Therefore it needs logs. Similarly, I have a drawing of a Jacuzzi over the puddle on my kitchen floor where the ice dispenser leaks, which I say makes it a hot tub, and therefore my "SHOWERS REQUIRED" sign makes total sense.

Oh dear. I was trying to come up with a sleazy house rule for some swinger with a hot tub, and stumbled onto this page, which includes the information that "Our complimentary buffet blows away every Swinger Club in Orlando, with entrees including items such as shrimp, oysters, chocolate covered fruits, fondues, sushi, etc." and now I'm too disturbed to continue my research. Oysters, chocolate-covered strawberries, whatever, like you can tell the difference.

(Found by Sue. And just to be clear: the pink room above is NOT from a club for wife-swappers. Or husband-swappers. Or pet-swappers. Or houseplant-swappers... as far as I know.)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I feel bad about how depressed the eleven mattress, one bathroom listing below seems to be making everyone this morning. So here! Found by Pascale (and Mid-C Frank, I see you there) on Curbed: one cheerful* listing. Two seats, no waiting!

Monday, August 10, 2009

You dance divinely, my dear, simply divinely. One and two and three and dip! Wait, wait, come back! I didn't mean that kind of dip... Sorry, sorry, sorry. It won't happen again. No need for you to be so crabby... oh, crap.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sure, this house Heather found looks cool at first glance. But do you know how much it'll cost to get a contractor to repair the laser damage from the Y-wing? And I thought getting popcorn ceilings removed was going to be bad...

(Thanks to burhanistan for stopping me from really embarassing myself with a spacecraft misidentification. X-wing? What was I smoking?)

Monday, August 3, 2009

You show people in listings, and I complain. You don't show people in listings, and I complain again. Clearly this listing Liz found is an attempt at compromise, and I'm a jerk for not being satisfied. Pfft! Me.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

(I lived in NYC for seven freaking years and I never saw the famous Kitchen Tub. I don't know what I was doing wrong.)

So you might think showing that the tub is in the kitchen wouldn't really be a selling point. But no! The real estate agent has actually shown great restraint in this listing Cory found (click here for the photos). "Claw tub in kitchen," the listing sez... "and toilet in public hallway." Just think of the photo they could have used. Or don't, if you're the sensitive type. Anyway, here's to you, real estate agent with restraint!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

I used to live in former convent that had been turned into a hippie commune (which I first typed as "hippie commute," an intriguing -- yet unpleasant -- idea). We'd done very little to change the house, and one day a resident pointed out to me that we were still using the nuns' old toilet seat. "Nuns' buns," he said. "Nuns' buns!"

So sure, the real estate agent can write "Home has been blessed by God's servants" in the listing. But to me? All this photo makes me think of is... how refreshing that glass of lemonade looks.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

For disbelievers: really. Here it is. I've recently had a few people express disbelief that some of these photos are really from listings. But they are, they really truly are, and that's what makes the world such a wonderful place. Sometimes the listing has been taken down or changed by the time I get it posted, but the photos I use are all snagged -- by me -- from actual real estate listings. Cross my heart.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

It's the first Hawaiian loveliness, found by Allon! And it finds me deeply confused. I've never been to Hawaii, so I don't know... but is this normal? Like, the same way that people in other states have dog houses, Hawaiians have small-scale pig farms?

I'm presuming pig farms are standard, because there's no explicit mention of it in the listing... and it does seem like something you might want to point out. It goes a bit beyond the "Oh, I thought you knew the pool table wasn't included" homebuying confusion I'm used to.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Whoooooo. I'm back from the BlogHer convention and I must still be a wee bit drunk because as far as I can tell, this listing Joanne found shows one of those overstuffed sofas, just right for watching Beverly Hills 90210 while wearing your high-waist jeans and drinking Orbitz, and the sofa is leaning against a wall, and that can't be right. So carry on without me. I'll be right back after a wee lie-down. On the ceiling.