Messages

Special Subject Articles

The Bachelorette

Episode I

Rivka sat down to her computer and clicked on councilofelrond.com. As the main administrator, Rivka’s tasks were hectic and demanded much of her time. As the page loaded, she went to check her PM inbox, filled as usual to the brim. A vacation is never a bad thing, Rivka thought to herself as she stared at the monitor, those Middle Earth people don’t know how lucky they have it…
Suddenly the text on the screen began to blur and the colors began to change. Swirling patterns began to take form and the shapes entranced Rivka. Far off in the distance she heard someone yell impatiently “Where is she?!”. Already sensing that something not entirely friendly was about to happen, Rivka was left no other choice than to sit back as she was pulled screaming into the glowing computer…

*Trignifty and Ringhilwen and stand atop the tower of Orthanc as Veaglarwen checks and rechecks her camera. Ring is relaxed while Trig is pacing a bit, obviously flustered*

Trig: I ask you again…where is she?!

Ring: I don’t know, but I wish she would get here, I have some interviews to…conduct. Hey Trig, take a step to your left.

Trig: What? Why?

Ring: Just do it.

*Trig steps to the left, soon screaming is heard, followed by a thud as Rivka hits the ground where Trig was formerly standing*

Trig: Hmm. That was close.

Ring: There she is.

Veggie: Finally! *Picks up Rivka and shoves her towards Trig…then grabs her camera and prepares to film* Okay…3…2…1…Go!

Trig: Hello Middle Earth! Welcome to The Bachelorette, where we auction off…er…allow a female contestant to choose the man…er…elf…uh…*freak* of her dreams!

Rivka: Uh…what?! Guys…I’m married you know. Happily married.

Ring: *hisses* Now you can be happily auctioned off.

Trig: We’re all set up here in beautiful Orthanc…just look at that view folks! *Veggie pans to see the landscape*

Rivka: Holy crap!! I’m on a tower!

Trig: Your powers of observation are stunning. Moving on…for those of you who don’t know the game, we have one female contestant who will be courted by our sixteen male participants!

Trig: So close-minded, Rivka? Shame, you might like them. Anyhow, Ring would you do the honors?

Ring: Gladly…Rivka, let’s meet the men!

*Who are the men? Who will Rivka choose? To find out these answers and more, stay tuned for the next episode of ‘The Bachelorette’!*
!!pagebreak!!

Episode II

*Trigs and Ring grab Rivka by her arms and drag her to the bottom of the tower as she protests constantly. They get to the first floor where Veggie sets up the camera and zooms in on Rivka’s panicked face.*

Rivka: Veaglarwen I’m telling you right now if you don’t get that camera OUT of my face there will be hell to pay!!!

Veggie: Oooh, that’s good. C’mon Riv, let the camera FEEL the anger!

Ring: Uhhhm, how about we take a step back Rivka…and you stay there, Veg. Riiight. Good. Now, time to meet the guys! Gentlemen, when you’re ready, please do us the honor of gracing us with your presence!

Trig: I love this part…

*The first victim walks out, however his identity is not known yet*

Trig: This elf enjoys midnight walks in the forest, popcorn and taking in a movie with that special someone. His favorite color is green, and no wonder, because he is Legolas Greenleaf!

*Legolas struts over to Rivka and kisses her hand, he then moves off to the side, making eyes at the camera woman who just blushes*

Ring: This next man can usually be seen with his nose in a book however when he is needed, this prize of Gondor always risks his life to defend his country. Rivka, say hello to Faramir!

*Faramir swaggers in casually, winking at Rivka as he passes her*

Rivka: H-Hi…there…he cute…me want…

Trig: Thought you’d like that one, but don’t make any choices yet because next we have everyone’s favorite hobbit, the one who didn’t carry the ring but managed to eat his way through a birthday cake in only five minutes. The one, the only, Meriadoc Brandybuck!

*Merry manages to waddle himself on stage however he completely bypasses Rivka in his greater quest for the buffet table. He returns over to the line with three pieces of ham in his mouth and a handful of cheese cubes*

Ring: Well wasn’t that…disgusting. Though fret not, it gets better! This man enjoys the color black. No really, he loves it. He enjoys being shrouded in mystery though he seems to have forgotten his name. No matter, we now affectionately know him as The Lieutenant of Barad-Dur! (Trig Note: Oh come on, I had to. =Þ )

Trig: Where? Where?! I mean…he doesn’t appear to have come out to the front of the room yet, Ring. Where could he possibly be?

*Trig jumps as a deep voice is suddenly heard right behind her*

Lt: Right here…Hello, what was it? Rivka?

*Trig stands still, staring at the Lieutenant.*

Ring: Trig? Triiiig! You’re supposed to introduce the next person! TRIG! Augh, nevermind, I’ll do it. Girl is completely hopeless…Next, Rivka dearest we have an elf. Not just any elf, but royalty! When he’s not occupied by the weary work of caring for his woodland realm, this elf enjoys swimming, hiking and sunbathing. Please, welcome Lord Celeborn of the Realm of Lothlorien!

*Trig snaps out of her trance upon hearing the guest and now shifts her attention to the new contestant.*

Ring (looking at Trig): Here we go again…I’ll get this one too. I really hope she doesn’t go for this one. Once he was hobbit-like and free but this tortured soul has taken a different path since. Allow me to introduce…Gollum!

Gollum: My preciousss…Hurry, we has an election to get too…yess preciousss….

Trig: What the-We chose Gollum to be on this?! How late WAS it when we were choosing these contestants? Nevermind. Now here’s a handsome fellow you don’t see often. He’s dark, he’s mysterious…he’s one baaaad elf. Put your hands together for Eol!

*Eol walks in wearing something similar to a biker jacket and sunglasses. He walks up to Rivka, stares at her for a second, nods and proceeds to stand by the other “guys”.*

Trig: That was…odd. Anyhow, another elf for your enjoyment now! Also from the Lothlorien Realm, the fiercest warrior this side of the Anduin…The One! The Only: Haldir!

*Haldir, apparently very shy, walks over to Rivka and hold her hand for a second. He then takes a long look at Ring before walking over to the waiting area.*

Ring: Look at those legs…

Trig: Oh, and *I’m* hopeless? Hypocrite…

Ring: But they’re so pretty…

*Veggie, taking control of the situation puts the camera down, walks over to the two and smacks them both upside the head*

Veggie: Her men, not your men. Let that be your mantra. Repeat that to yourselves.

Ring: Veg…no…

Veggie: REPEAT!

Ring and Trig: Her men not your men…

Veggie: Good. Introduce.

*Veggie goes back to the camera and begins filming again. Ring just stares at her cards for a few minutes before Trig pokes her in the shoulder*

Trig: Ring? You’re on, man.

Ring: I know, but I can’t think of anything nice to say about this next contestant.

Rivka: Well just try. I’m sure it can’t be all *that* bad.

Ring: Oh, you’d be amazed. But all right. This next contestant hails all the way from Gondor. After falling into King Theoden’s bad graces, this unusually pale guy joined a new master. He, uhm…enjoys candlelight dinners, playing with puppies and crying in the presence of armies. He is none other than: Grima Wormtongue!

*Grima, hunched over, limps his way towards Rivka, who coils away in disgust. Downhearted, Grima limps over to the other males who also take a step or two back. Suddenly a scream can be heard as someone runs into the tower*

Trig: What? Who’s that? K!?!

Ring: It can’t be…

K: That’s right, me! Griiiiiiima!!!

*Ring, Trig, Rivka, Veggie and ze males all watch as k wraps her arms around Grima in a tight embrace. Grima, thoroughly shocked by this attention (though loving every minute of it) smiles and lets loose a tear.*

k: Guys, is it okay if I…well if Grima here…Can I-

Ring: Take him with you? Why suuuuure you can! He’s all yours! I don’t have a problem with it, do you Rivka?

Rivka: Just…send a postcard. You uh…crazy kids.

*All four watch as K drags Grima out of their view and out of Orthanc. Next to Trig, Ring gives a small sigh of relief.*

Ring: It’s a good thing.

Trig: Thanks Martha Stewart.

Ring: What? He deserves to be with someone who will love him for the eye-browless freak he is!

Trig: Too true. Anyhow, shall we move on?

Ring: Oh I do believe we shall…Next we have…oh…my…I didn’t know he was on this show…

*Ring stares at her notecard and suddenly begins to drool a little*

Trig: Oh no…*looks at card*

Ring: Oh yes…

Trig: Ladies and Gentlemen..all the way from the Gap of Rohan, wearing a fabulous cashmere shirt, the one…the ONLY…Eomer!

* Ring drops all her notecards at the sight of Eomer striding into the room and making his way to Rivka*

Veggie: *whispers* Now Ring, repeat the mantra…

Ring: To hell with the bloody mantra!!! MIIIIIINE!!!

*Ring lunges, but is dragged back by Trig*

Ring: But…but…it’s him…and he looks so…and it’s just that….

*Ring watches sadly as Eomer walks up to Rivka and gives her a firm handshake*

Rivka: Oh my…*jumps up and gives him a hug. A long hug. Frankly we feel it was a suggestive hug*

Eomer: So you’re Rivka, my you are everything they said you were and more…

Trig: *winces in slight pain* Alright Ring, if you’ll kindly tell us about our next contestant….

Ring: Who cares about our next contestant…

Trig: I do. Veggie does. Middle Earth does. Humor the people, give them what they want.

Ring: But what *I* want is hugging that floozy…

Trig: I don’t care. Now get your cards and announce the next contestant!

Rivka: Um, I heard that.

Ring: And strangely enough, I don’t see you letting go!!

Trig: Oh good grief *grabs Ring’s cards*

Ring: *Tries to retain a shred of dignity, and reaches for her cards back* Alrighty, now, if our bachelorette wants to let go of her suitor, we could continue!

*Rivka grudgingly lets go and sits back down in her seat, her face turning red.*

Ring: If you like men with delusions of grandeur, then this next suitor is for you! He likes sharpening his fingernails and keeping his whites the whitest. Talking with strangers doesn’t bother him, and he loves meeting new people…say hello to Saruman the White!

Saruman: Miserable humans. The world could do without you, you know. A world without humans, I have seen it…it would be wise to join him Gandalf….

Trig: Like we said. Delusions of grandeur.

Ring: That’s lovely, Mr. White…but a few corrections: Gandalf isn’t here and Sauron lost, so shut up and get your keyster over there with the others.

*Saruman throws a dirty glare at the other suitors as he joins them on the other side of the room.*

Ring: Well then Trig, who do we have next?

Trig: Next up, we have another elf, this one from Rivendell…. *Trig goes silent*

Ring: And?

Trig: There’s nothing else written on the card.

*Figwit walks into the room and makes a beeline for the group of suitors. Trig, Ring, Veggie and Rivka all stare at him, but his face shows no emotion and he never says a word*

Trig: That was…strange…

Ring: Who the heck was that?

*Veggie calls out from behind the camera*

Veg: I think it was Figwit.

Ring and Trig: Who?

Veggie: Figwit. He’s an elf at the Council. Stands for Frodo-is-great-who is that?!.

Frodo: Hah, that’s because Frodo *is* great. I saved you all, you know.

Frodo: Who could stay melancholy when they’re only Eru’s greatest gift to Middle Earth? I mean, really, Ring, Trig…you two don’t know what you passed up. But I’m willing to give you both second tries. Who could resist?

Trig: Dude, he asked you out too?

Ring: Slimy git…more like flung himself at me. Had to beat him off with a bat. Literally.

Trig: I feel you…I had to beat him off with an overcooked scone…Wasn’t very effective, but it DID help when he started eating it and I could run off…

Rivka: Frodo? Is that you?

Frodo: Yes it is, sweetcakes and who might YOU be? *Frodo runs over and sits in her lap*

Ring: That’s Rivka. Our Bachelorette.

Frodo: Is thaaat so? Well, show over, she’ll pick me.

Rivka: Augh, don’t be so sure. You could do with a shower, you know.

Trig: Oooh, snaps for Rivka!

Rivka: Take this thing away from me. Please?

*Legolas and Eomer come over and drag Frodo away, but Eomer gives Rivka a sidelong glance*

Ring: Why…that little…

Trig: Calm yourself Ring. We’re almost done here and then you can go throw yourself at the hot horselord.

Ring: Oh all right. Get on with it then…

Trig: It’s actually your turn.

Ring: Oh. Right. Well then. Our next contestant is apparently free from his marriage to the beautiful Luthien, as he is able to be here today. Please welcome Beren!

Trig: Beren!? I thought you couldn’t divorce an elf?

*Luthien is heard screaming before she is seeen, but she trumps into the tower, looking gorgeous though flustered*

Luthien: You can’t divorce and elf!! I gave up immortality for you, you little twerp, what are you doing HERE?!?!

Beren: But honey! I felt I needed an adventure!

Rivka: I am no one’s adventure, mister!!

Luthien: I can’t BELIEVE you would do this to me! After ALL I’ve done for you! There are SONGS about us, Beren! There are SONGS about our love! I can’t believe you would just throw that all away!

Veggie: Geez guys, I thought you checked through the suitors a little more carefully…

Trig: What checking? There was no checking.

Ring: Yeah, not by us anyways.

Veggie: Then who did?

Trig and Ring: She did.

*They pull back a curtain to reveal Galadriel standing behind it holding her stomach, red from laughter*

Galadriel: Hah! Did you see that?! Her face was purple! PURPLE!!!

*They drop the curtain again*

Ring: Oh dear, this isn’t good….

*Everyone watches as Luthien grabs Beren and drags him away from Rivka. The fabled elf stops to yell several threats to Galadriel on her way out.*

Rivka: No, this IS good. I don’t want to be an adventure for him.

Ring: Who asked you? *she demands, obviously still irked about Eomer*

Trig: I did. Now drop it, you two.

Ring: You wait…soon she’ll go after the Lieutenant.

Rivka: Ew!

Ring: Shut up!

Trig: Thankfully this brings us to our last contestant. He’s big, he’s buff and he’s adorable! Back from the dead, here for your enjoyment…Boromir!

Ring: *looks through her cards, which have no questions written on them* What do you think about your chances with Rivka?

Celeborn: Who?

Ring: Rivka, the bachelorette….the reason you’re here.

Celeborn: Oh yes, the one you’re auctioning off to the highest bidder?

Ring: What?! Where did you get that idea?

Celeborn: I read it on the information packet your producer sent me.

Ring: Uhm…I think that’s all the time we have for today.

Celeborn: Oh poo. I set aside an hour for this, what shall I do with my time?

Ring: Find someone to entertain you. I don’t care. Just leave.

Celeborn: What’s that other girl’s name? The funny one?

Ring: I hate you.

Celeborn: No, that wasn’t it.

Ring: Her name is Trig.

Celeborn: She was rather cute.

Ring: She’s busy, and I don’t think she’s your type.

Celeborn: Ah, well. I’ll take my leave of you then

Ring: There is nothing you could take from me that I would more willingly part with.

Celeborn: Catchy. did I say that?

Ring: No. Hamlet did. OUT!!!

*Celeborn leaves and Ring sinks into her chair*

Ring: Oh my damn…I hope Trig’s interviews are going a bit better…

*Ring whips out her cell phone again, and calls Trig*

Trig: What?

Ring: Nice to talk to you too. How’s the interview?

Trig: I’m in the middle of it, if you don’t mind…

Ring: Oh, with who?

Trig: Um, no one…

Ring: No one?

Trig: Alright, it’s Eomer….

Ring: you’re with WHO?!

Trig: *weak voice* Eomer?

Ring: You dirty tramp!!! I can’t believe you wou-

Trig: Breaking up, can’t hear, interviewing, can’t talk! *hangs up*

Eomer: Who was that?

Trig: Telemarketer, shall we continue?

Eomer: Alright.

Trig: So how do you like your roomate?

Eomer: Figwit? He’s kind of quiet.

Trig: What have you talked about?

Eomer: Well I’ve talked about a lot of stuff…but he doesn’t seem to be that into the conversation, you know?

Trig: What do you think your chances with Rivka are?

Eomer: I think they’re pretty good, actually. She seems to like me a lot. Can I be honest with you?

Trig: Of course

Eomer: That other interviewer is kind of scary.

Trig: Ring?

Eomer: Is that her name? Yeah, she…kind of…scares…me…

Trig: Why?

Eomer: She’s so…what’s the word…

Trig: Zesty?

Eomer: ZESTY! That’s it!

Trig: She may actually take that as a compliment, but I know what you mean.

Eomer: She just acts strangely around me, maybe she’s ill?

Trig: Yeah, chalk it up to illness. That’s what I do with her. Now, another question for
you…Who do you think will be your biggest competition in this game?

Eomer: Well I don’t want to rule anyone out…but I do think I’ll have steep competition from Legolas. Everyone seems to love him. But at least I know that I have that Frodo guy beaten. I mean, look at me. I’m gorgeous and he’s…short.

Trig: I wouldn’t be so sure…

Eomer: Oh really? He didn’t seem all that impressive to me…
Trig: He believes he can get any girl…
Eomer: Oh, all the fame went to his head?
Trig: You could say that….*Meanwhile, in another part of the tower*

Frodo: What? Why are you asking me who my competition is? I *have* no competition, camera-lady.

Veggie: Sorry, that’s was the question on my card.

Frodo: So think of another one…

Veggie: Okay. Has anyone tried to attack you with a pin to explode that massive ego of yours?

Frodo: No…

Veggie: Pity. They should. *sigh* Who *are* you getting along with on this Eruforsaken show?

Frodo: Well, I’ve known Merry for a while, but he’ll be off the show soon-enough.

Veggie: You can’t be sure of that.

Frodo: Of course I can! He thought the bachelorette’s name was Roast, as in roast beef. All that hobbit can think about is food.

Veggie: Well, I needed to know that, I’m sure…

Frodo: Face it chick, I’ll be here until the very end.

Veggie: Rivka seemed pretty interested in Faramir and Eomer if you ask me…maybe she likes men over hobbits.

Frodo: Simply not possible. No one can pick a Man over this piece of hobbit. It’s true…in fact, you’re probably falling for me right now!

Veggie: Right….

*Back with Ring*

Veggie: You’ve got Boromir next – you’ll be able to use your pre-written questions. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you, well, prepared!

Trig: Hey Ring, you done interviewing yet?…..No, I don’t care if you see Eomer walking towards the kitch – NO! Ring, do NOT follow him, that’s an order…..I don’t care if that tunic looks *really* good on him, stalking is against the law…..no, don’t pout, I’m sorry. Come meet me in the main hall, we have to talk about these interviews.

*A short while later, a very dejected Ring walks into the Main Hall at Orthanc…*

Trig: what’s the matter, sunshine? Interviewing not go well?

Ring: They’re all psychotic. I swear.

Trig: Well when you get down to it, they’re figments of imagination immortalized in literature. So you can’t expect much different.

Ring: Well, for starters, Celeborn kept quoting Hamlet instead of answering my questions. I couldn’t tell what the heck the Lt. of Barad-dur was even saying, because every answer he gave me seemed like a riddle! The nerve! Eol kept staring at my legs and asking where Rivka was, while Gollum was…..well he was just creepy. Boromir flipped out when I asked about being dead. I mean, you think he’d be willing to share the experience, but noooooo…..

Trig: That bad huh?

Ring: That’s not the worst. Haldir came in, and *I* couldn’t speak!

Trig: Was he too intimidating?

Ring: No, it’s just that he was wearing these leggings…and –

Trig: Ah! Say no more!

Ring: It was so embarrassing, but he took it in stride. He took my cards from me and started asking himself the questions and answering them.

Trig: Great, an elf with schizophrenic tendencies

Ring: I thought it was cute…Anyway, I’m done ranting. How were your interviews?

Trig: Oh it wasn’t too terrible I suppose. Faramir is a complete spoiled brat. He kept going on about how he was pissed off Boromir is back because it meant that his father wouldn’t love him anymore. Appears to have missed the fact that his father is dead and tried to murder him. Legolas…is Legolas. Always the gentle elf, but he’s a little morejumpy now. Fangirls, you see…Eomer is a little scared of you, you may want to back off slightly, but he seems pretty stable. Oh! My interview with Figwit was completely pointless!

Ring: Why’s that?

Trig: Because he said nothing! The entire time! He just stared at me and blinked! Merry wasn’t much better, the conversation always turned back to food for some reason.

Ring: What about Saruman?

Trig: Don’t…mention…that…name…

Ring: Not good?

Trig: Terrible. He keeps trying to convince me that Gandalf didn’t whip his tail and that he’s going to take over the world. Whatever. I wonder how Veggie’s interview went?

*Veggie bursts in*

Veggie: I HATE YOU BOTH!!!

Ring: Guess that answers it. Tough day, dear?

Veggie: The WORST! He is so conceited!!

Trig: Did he ask you your Zodiac sign?

Veggie: No, but he used about every OTHER cheesy pickup line you could imagine. He even started reciting Christina Aguilera lyrics. It was sick. I was on the verge of tears.

Ring: Aw Vea, we’re sorry!

Veggie: No you’re not.

Trig: *shrugs* Nope, not really sorry. I’ve had enough of him to last me until the end of eternity.

Veggie: Let’s just close the show, shall we?

Ring: Fine by me!

*Veggie focuses the camera*

Trig: Well folks, how do YOU think the Bachelors add up?

Ring: Should make for some tough competition! Stick around for our next episode, when they start spending time with Rivka, our bachelorette!

Veggie: AAAAND we’re clear.

Trig: You know Veg…You are beautiful. No matter what they say.

Ring: Words can’t bring you down.

Veggie: Oh shut up…

Who stays and who goes? Tune in for the next episode of the Bachelorette!

!!pagebreak!!

Episode IV

*The next day somewhere near Orthanc…where? We’re not going to tell you. It’s a secret. Yeah, a secret. A cell phone rings…*

Frodo: And furthermore, what’s with this Smeagol/Gollum thing? We all know it was just a way for you to keep out of trouble, blaming it on your evil twin anyhow. Your grandma kicked you out because you were annoying, and I must say I don’t blame her.

Lt.: Oh no…*turning to Eol, Haldir and Saruman* Gents, care to join me in taking a step or five back?

Saruman: There’s a plan.

Haldir: What about Rivka?

Saruman: I shall save her!

Rivka: I don’t need saving.

Eol: No, I shall do it, I’m good with damsels in distress, I got this.

Lt. : We saw what you did with your last damsel in distress. How *was* married life, Eol?

Saruman: Not bowling! I am trying to contact Sauron through the palantir *points to bowling ball*.

Rivka: Hate to burst your bubble, but that’s not -

Saruman: Sssh! I think I’m getting something!

Rivka: *mutters* It’s going to be a long day…

*Back in Orthanc with just Trig and Ring*

Ring: I must say, you handled that very well, I’m proud of you.

Trig: Gee, thanks. Like you’re the Queen of Composure.

Ring: I’ll have you know, I’m improved greatly!

Trig: Only because Eomer wasn’t there!

Ring: Improvement is improvement, don’t bring me down!

Trig: Wouldn’t dream of it. We have to leave for the next date soon, keep your cool here, okay?

Ring: I told you, I’m improving.

Trig: How could I forget?

*Rivka walks in*

Trig: Hey Riv, how’d you like your date?

Rivka: It was pretty cool, if you like men who talk to bowling balls.

Ring: Do you?

Rivka: I’m not a huge fan of them, no.

Ring: Saw that you and the Lieutenant seem to get along well.

Trig: Yeah, you looked like you were having a lot of fun with him.

Rivka: He’s a really nice guy, you know. You wouldn’t think so, I mean…Servant of the Dark Lord and all.

Trig: Sometimes people surprise you, I suppose.

Ring: He still wets the bed.

Trig and Rivka: What?!

Ring: Surprising, ain’t it?

Rivka: Oh wow, how did you know that one?

Ring: I can tap into the video feed with my handy palm pilot.

Rivka: That’s…awkward. Uhm, I’m going to go get ready for the next date.

Trig: Dress warmly!

Rivka: I will, see you in a bit.

*Rivka leaves*

Trig: Are you serious about that Lieutenant bed-wetting thing?

Ring: Of course not. Well, I don’t exactly know. I hardly tap into his room, now do I?

Trig: I see. Why’d you say it then?

Ring: Trying to get Rivka away from your man.

Trig: Ring! He’s not my man!

Ring: Oh fine, your servant of the Dark Lord. You’re into some kinky stuff, have I ever told you that? I mean, the guy worked for an eye.

Trig: Who happens to be your therapist?

Ring: He’s very flexible.

Trig: Uh-huh. Let’s go.

Ring: Kay.

*At the skating rink: Rivka tries in vain to teach her suitors how to ice-skate. Legolas picks it up fairly quickly as the others slip and slide around. Trig and Ring watch, amused, from outside the rink*

Trig: You know, this has elements of the ridiculous going for it. I mean, really, if this show doesn’t pan out some of the footage could be used for “Mirkwood’s Funniest Home Videos”

Ring: Yeah, it could. Oh oh, there goes Eomer.

Trig: Let it go, hon.

Ring: Shh…we can’t talk.

Trig: *laughs* Right, right…

Rivka: No no no! Don’t try to walk, try to glide!

Figwit: *blinks at Riv a bit*

Rivka: *Sigh* Nevermind…

Merry: Like this, Rivka? *glides a bit before falling flat on his face*

Rivka: That’s much better! I’m going to see how the others are doing…

Legolas: I’m fine! *does a figure 8 and then begins to jump and spin effortlessly*

Celeborn: She’s cute. But I’m after Rivka, no ploy of yours can stop me!

Legolas: Fine, fine…

*Back at the Tower*
Ring: That was actually kind of painful.

Trig: You can say that again…

Ring: That was actually kind of painful.

Trig: Oh shut up.

Ring: So both the Lt. and Celeborn, eh? Looks like you’ve no manner of luck at all.

Trig: At least she didn’t almost kiss either of them.

Ring: Care to take that back?

Trig: Not a chance.

Ring: I shall not be held responsible for my actions.

Trig: When are you ever?

Ring: Good point.

Trig: Please tell me we’re almost done for the day. I have some ranting for my journal and I’m in all kinds of a hurry to get to it.

Ring: Just Riv’s solo date up on the top of the Tower with Boromir.

Trig: That should be interesting. That boy has more neuroses than fingers and toes.

Ring: Didn’t he lose a few toes in that orc fight?

Trig: Not the point!

Ring: Sorry.

Rivka: *Enters at a run* Do I really have to go on this date tonight?

Ring: You’ve already been on two, what’s one more?

Rivka: He’s…weird…

Trig: You were stuck for three hours teaching a wizard who thought the bowling ball was a Seeing Stone how to bowl. You think Boromir is going to be an issue!? This whole thing has been about You You You! Maybe Boromir would enjoy the date! Did you ever think of that?! Or did you just disregard everyone’s feelings because they didn’t fit into your little world?!

Rivka: …..

Ring: Sorry, she’s had a bit of a bad day.

Rivka: You know, I can tell.

Ring: You should probably go get ready for your date.

Trig: Yeah. And don’t forget, you have to kick people off tomorrow.

Rivka: I do?

Ring: Yes. You do. Think long and hard about it.

*At the top of Orthanc. Rivka and Boromir sit at a candlelit table in the middle of the platform while Ring and Trig sit over by a corner, leaning on one of the stakes, discussing the date*

Trig: You know, he can be quite the little charmer, that one.

Ring: I was thinking that too. Rivka hasn’t stopped smiling for the past ten minutes. I think it might actually be genuine. Amazing.

Trig: Something’s still off about him, though…

Rivka: So how was death? White light, does stuff just black out, what?

Boromir: Dying? Why would I know?

Rivka: You…died. Didn’t you?

Boromir: Oh…OH! Yes! I did! Sorry, I try not to think of it.

Rivka: Obviously. Are you okay?

Boromir: I’m fine…just a little distracted I guess. By your beauty.

Rivka: Oh…thank you.

Ring: And you say *I’m* good at changing the subject….

Trig: Sssh!

Rivka: So was it a shock to come back here and do this show? I mean a lot’s changed since you died. Faramir became Steward, Aragorn became king…your father committed suicide…

Boromir: Dad off’d himself? No way!

Rivka: You knew that…didn’t you?

Boromir: No, it’s a total shock to m–I mean yes! Yes, I heard about it a little while ago. Crying shame, he was a good ruler.

Rivka: …He tried to kill your brother.

Boromir: Crying shame, he was a good ruler…

Rivka: Um, if you say so, I guess. You probably knew him better than I did.

Boromir: Eh, not really….I was better acquainted with his – oh, nevermind.

Rivka: Well, it’s too bad you never got to rule over Gondor then…

Boromir: Are you kidding? Aragorn’s doing a great job! Great ruler. Great king, ya know. There’s no one better for the job, I say.

Rivka: I thought you two didn’t like each other?

Boromir: Nah, he’s one hell of a guy, I don’t know that I’m worthy to breathe the same air, really.

Rivka: You’re very strange.

Boromir: No, I’m just honest. Tell me, what do *you* think of Aragorn?

Rivka: Well, I can’t say he was ever my favorite member of the Fellowship…

Boromir: How could he be *too* manly?! He had elven blood! He married an elf!

Rivka: You know an awful lot about Aragorn. *she smirks* Are all those slash stories true, then?

Boromir: Um, slash?

Rivka: Nevermind. Ask Trig and Ring about it later.

Boromir: I’ll be sure to.

Rivka: Speaking of Trig and Ring…am I done here?

Ring: You haven’t ordered dessert yet!

Rivka: No matter. I’m not one for desserts.

Trig: You liar, you love ‘em!

Rivka: That was *then*. This is *now*

Trig: Alright…leave.

Rivka: Thank you! *runs off to the stairs*

Ring: Should we just leave Boromir up here then?

*They look over Boromir, who is muttering to himself…*

Boromir: Too manly? I don’t get it…

Trig: Yeah, I’m sure he’ll find his way back.

Ring: You sure?

Trig: Fairly sure. Anyways, we have to get ready for the elimination round. Dun dun dun!

Ring: What was that?

Trig: Well, dramatic music doesn’t exactly follow me around. I have to make my own.

Ring: …Very precious.

Trig: I do try.

Ring: Shall we leave?

Trig: We shall.

*They begin to walk downstairs*

Boromir: Too freaking manly?!

Trig: *muttering to Ring as they walk* Glad to see he’s taking it well.

The Next Day in the Aptly Named Rejection Room

Rivka: Do you have any idea how hard it is to narrow down two people to kick off out of this group of freaks?

Trig: But you’re kicking off three.

Rivka: SINCE WHEN?

Ring: Since Trig and I discovered it’s easier to write with an even number of bachelors.

Rivka: I see.

Trig: So who’s it gonna be?

Ring: Shh! She can’t tell you until they’re all here!

Rivka: Isn’t there supposed to be something with a rose involved?

Ring: Yeah. But…we decided we’ll just heckle them and it’ll be much better. Call their names out, let everyone laugh.

Rivka: Ah. Real bleeders are the heart, aren’t you?

Trig: Nothing less. Ring, bring ‘em in

Fifteen minutes later

Trig: Now that you’re all settled, I want to tell you why you’re here. The object of the game is, of course, to narrow down our contestants until we have only a handful left.

Saruman: Meaning?

Ring: Meaning three of y’all are going home today.

Saruman: But I live here!

Ring: Well…hell. You’re going to go on a visit then.

Trig: Anyways. Rivka, who have you chosen to leave?

Rivka: Well…the choice was incredibly difficult. I’d kick more of you off, if I could. But the first person to go is…Merry. I’m sorry.

Merry: Me? Why me?!

Legolas: Because you’re more concerned with stuffing your face than with romance!

Rivka: What he said!

Merry: So that’s the way of it…Well I won’t be treated this way! I want to stay! I want to see this through to the end!

Ring: We have a care package for you for being on the show. Full of food.

Merry: Later, suckers.

*Merry leaves*

Trig: This just gets…weirder and weirder. Madam, your next victim?

Rivka: Okay…the next person who gets to—I mean…has to leave is a bad boy at heart, I suppose. But we never really got along, I guess. He’s nice and all, he’s just a little out there. And I don’t really go for leather. Sorry Eol.

Eol: Me? Oh. Well then…*exits*

Ring: What?! No drama?! No screaming?!

Trig: Maybe the last person will get upset?

Ring: They had better! I will be highly distraught!

Trig: I know, pet.

Ring: Do I get a cookie?

Trig: Sure *gives Ring a cookie*

Rivka: So the next…thing that I would like to bid adieu to…is actually not too bad. But he never speaks. And I’m all about guys who listen, but this is ridiculous. Figwit. Exit. Now.

Trig: Okay, maybe no drama.

Figwit: THANK YOU ERU, I AM FREE!!!

Ring: What…the…He spoke!

Figwit: Damn straight I spoke. I’ve been holding that in for days.

Rivka: Why didn’t you speak earlier?

Figwit: Do you think I was on this stupid show because I wanted to be? Oh no. Oh no no no.

Trig: Then…why?

Figwit: I made a deal with Galadriel. If I came on this show, she’d let me move to Lothlorien.

Ring: What’s the deal with Rivendell?

Figwit: Elrond boosted taxes again. Plus his daughter keeps eyeing me and I’m like ‘honey, I know you want me, but I just can’t help you. I’d like to keep all my appendages’ but of course, she doesn’t listen to me and keeps eyeing me anyways. Aragorn, she was your woman, you should come and do something about it because I tell you, it’s driving me up a freaking wall. Elrond assigned me to be her personal guardian too, after that mess with the Ring because she kept getting herself into all these weird situations like getting her head stuck between two planks in the banister of the staircase and she did some other thing a couple of weeks ago where she met some peddler selling poison apples and she, being the nitwit she is, decided to purchase one and eat it. She was on about some business about apple pies, the silly girl. And so she dies, right? Wrong, because it wasn’t in battle and she’s an elf, so she can’t. So you know what I had to do? I had to kiss her. And ever since, she won’t leave me alone. Something about being her true love or some such madness…*he keeps rambling on*

Ring: Oh…wow…

Rivka: Wrap up the show.

Trig: What?

Figwit: …and then she decided she wanted to go to the Gap of Rohan, and I tried to tell her for the fiftieth time that the Gap of Rohan isn’t a store, it’s just a gap in the most literal sense, but nooo…she had to go down there and see for herself. Then she pitched fits when we went to Gondor and it had been repainted this wonderful taupe color. You know they say taupe is very soothing, or at least some man on TV did once, I don’t really remember. But now she feels that Gondor has a false advertising thing going on, as they are very partial to mentioning White with Gondor, you know…

Rivka: END THE SHOW. NOW.

Trig: *stares at Figwit with her mouth dropping open*

Ring: Trig.

Trig: ….

Ring: TRIG

Trig: What?!

Ring: *points to the camera* We gotta stop this.

Trig: Oh…fine…*looks at the camera* So that’s all for this episode of The Bachelorette. Stay tuned and we’ll catch you next time.

Ring: Thanks everyone! *turns away* How do we get him to shut up?

Trig: I dunno…threaten to put him back on the show?

Ring: ……

Who’s next off the Island—er…the…tower? Be sure to catch the next episode of The Bachelorette, coming soon to a computer near you!

111 Comments

Ringhilwen

August 9, 2003

Man, I love it when the three of us get together and come up with random, funny crap like this! Hope Rivka doesn’t mind us, erm, auctioning her off! Don’t worry guys, we WILL update this as we write more episodes!

Trignifty

August 9, 2003

…Yeah, and we’ll update the Legolas Trial soon too! Get excited. Now.

oinklikeapig

August 10, 2003

Funny!! And glad to hear that the Legolas Trial will soon be updated… been waiting… chewing fingernails…

Veaglarwen

August 22, 2003

Who’s it gonna be? I’m TOTALLY into this reality show…er…script?!

Arthien1188

August 22, 2003

This one is great, too! Really funny, update SOON!

Rivka

September 3, 2003

You know very well that I’d say something a lot stronger than “Holy crap!! I’m on a tower!” — but I guess that since this is a PG-13 site, I’ll have to live with that.

I’m going to have to make sure my husband doesn’t see this page…

SayenElfJedi

September 6, 2003

poor Rivka!!! add more!!!!

Newra

September 23, 2003

omg i almost DIED laughing when k came in, that was sooooo funny!!! and then the whole Eomer thing…oh dear, i can’t wait for episode three.

To funny!!! I CANNOT wait for more!!! Write more or I’ll go after Eomer myself LOL

mirielgreenleaf

October 4, 2003

i cant wait for the next…um, “episode”. hysterical, i laughed so hard i cried!!

erwood

October 18, 2003

I can’t wait till you guys put the next episode up! This is great! This is even better then the LOTR Survivor I was reading and the on as The Middle-earth turns one is great! When will you be putting up new ones? I hope soon!

k

October 19, 2003

eyebrowless freak!! thast my man your talking about Hee hee dude i didnt know you were gonna write me into this- i almost died laughing.. you guys are too funny!

Now trig im betting you wrote the bits about Frodo

sh-legolas

November 28, 2003

It was really funny and I thought it was funny that there is like a Middle-Earth reality tv show. But I must admit that I was sort of pissed off about how you made Frodo really conceited because he’d never actually act like that. But all in all I thought it was really good.

eneliniel

November 28, 2003

This is the funniest thing I’ve read lately Can’t wait to read more!

galadriel2003

November 28, 2003

Yeah…It’s the third time I’ve read this, I was laughing as hard as the first…Anyone want to bet what Rivka’s hubby would do if he saw the script

Lady_Elianna_Greenleaf

December 17, 2003

OMG, that is hilarious! I love the whole ‘Eomer thing’, and yes, I can understand the ‘Haldir in leggings ;-). This is like funniest thing I’ve read on this site. Keep it up!

Enelya_Melwasúl

December 24, 2003

Oh my, it’s brilliant! I especially loved the bit about schitzophrenic-Haldir and Faramir’s experience with the stand-up-on-their-own dirty socks! It’s great stuff, can’t wait to read Part 4!!!

Lady_Raynie

December 26, 2003

The story it’s self is brilliant, but I’ve got to say, I love Ring! She kicks! Scary? no, I love her attitude and the way shes throws herself practically at Eomer’s feet is awesome, i’m a legolas girl meself so it’s exactly how i would be! nice work ladies!

Elven_archer5

January 2, 2004

This was hilarious! Faramir and the stand-up socks, the interview with Frodo, and Eomer being scared of Ring, it was hilarious! Really can’t wait for Part 4.

Alassea_the_drow

January 3, 2004

that was so funny!…when is part 4?*waits…and waits…and waits*

Anonymous

January 5, 2004

I love it, when is part 4 coming out?

ladyknight1224

January 6, 2004

Absouloutly hysterical! Cannot wait till part four comes out. Really, I almost wet my pants the first time I read the first episode.

Lady_Elwing

January 6, 2004

Well, It’s pretty good. Kinda odd, but one thing I couldn;t stop laughing at was when…
Celeborn: What’s that other ‘s name? The funny one?

Ring: I you.

Celeborn: No, that wasn’t it.

That is SO funny! But you know, celeborn IS married to Galadriel. Why would he be on if Galadriel was picking the guys?

halfelfchick

January 9, 2004

this is great! I can’t wait for episode 4!!!!!

Greenleaf_is_MINE

January 22, 2004

This is so funny! Especially the whole Eomer thing. Though if i was Rivka, there’d be no competition…. LEGOLAS WOULD BE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pleas update soon!

Aragorns_Lady_in_Bree

January 31, 2004

Almost as much as “As Middle Earth Turns”!!!!!!! Update them both soon pleeeaaaassssse!!!!!!!!!!

Nellasine

February 2, 2004

These are so funny!!! I can’t wait until the next one!! I cant stop laughing!!

Morlothwen

February 9, 2004

This was a great parody! Isn’t that what you call it? Anyways, that was a brilliant ideal of having a reality tv show on Middle Earth! Can’t wait for your next episode!

Gwilwilethien

February 10, 2004

This is so great! Please write a hundred chapters, they’re so funny! I fell of my chair laughing, I swear. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

cOeLiNa_UnDoMiEl

March 2, 2004

I love it, u should update it soon

Ceridwyn

March 6, 2004

I would have never imagined seeing a middle earth reality tv show but after reading this I swear I was laughing so hard I’m sure my parents had thought I’d lost it. Can’t wait to see the next episode that is bound to make us all laugh that much harder

Great job!

Cavalia

March 14, 2004

This is great! Very funny, and the only reality show i like! I must know the end!!!!

Nellas_V

March 16, 2004

Please bring out part 4 soon!! I REALLY WANT TO READ IT!! It’s sooo funny! Honestly I was laughing sooo hard when you introduced Merry. Cheese cubes! That’s funny! I swear, you could write like a zillion episodes and I’m sure, no one would get tired of it. Please write more as fast as your fingers can type. I can’t wait!!!!!!

Legolassweetie

March 24, 2004

Your story is so funny!! I will suggest that my friends read it. (I really do hope that Aspen doesn’t get to upset about the whole Frodo thing, though!) I CAN’T wait for episode 4!!!!!!!!

Nessa_Ancalimon

April 8, 2004

Wow that was the funniest thing I’ve read in ages. Talk about psychotic schizophrenic contestants…I can’t wait to see who gets voted off first!

Aranien_Ithilwen

April 14, 2004

This must be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. I swear! I laughed so hard I fell off my chair! Hope you’ll update it soon, I really want to know the end

Lirimaer

April 18, 2004

PPL i am totally into this reality show. not like some of the others that Australia has put on tv this year.
But guys, KEPP WRITING!!! u have to keep posting new episodes

Ravenfang

April 29, 2004

I LOVE IT!!!!!! WRITE MORE!!!!!!!!

TheLadyoftheRing

May 1, 2004

PLEASE write the fourth episode! I’m pulling at my hair and chewing my finger nails, I want to know who Rivka will pick so badly! WRITE THE NEXT EPISODE, GOD DARNIT!

Essenya_Alyssa

July 18, 2004

OMG, this is sooo funny. I want to know so badly what will happen w/ Boromir (as he’s dead), and who Rivka ends up w/. PLEASE UPDATE SOON! I have been waiting like 8 months!

Dragon{f}

July 20, 2004

THE 3 EPISODES – ABSOLUTELY GREAT
NO 4TH EPISODE YET – NOT GREAT

Tuilë

July 24, 2004

*rolls on the floor* The Bachelorette is Amazing!!! UPDATE!! We want the 4th episode!!

Celedë_Anthaas

August 3, 2004

*rolls on the floor howling with laughter*

Vilwarin

August 3, 2004

I 100% agree with the whole Haldir & his leggings thing…oh eru,this stuff is sooooo funny..ooohhh!nd the Figwit finally speaks thing!that was funny

annunvingiel

August 3, 2004

i’m so glad this has been updated…i really needed something to cheer me up tonight, and this has done the trick! thanks, guys. here’s to more bachelorette soon!

Lotr~Spidey

August 3, 2004

ROFL!!! I’d give it more than five stars if I could. You guys are absolutely hilarious! I’ll tell you, I like this a lot better than the actual TV show. Lol. Can’t wait for part 5!

elven_freak

August 3, 2004

i think Boromir is really aragorn or some such like that. am i just hallucinating that or does any one agree with me?

Thaligaladhiel

August 4, 2004

Marvelous. This is very…how shall I put this…unique. I like the conceited Frodo thing. Very nice. elven_freak, you may be onto something. Hmmm. And so the plot (or supposed plot, it really is quite random) thickens

Tindomewen

August 5, 2004

I never went for the “reality shows” I always thought they were for idiotic morons, but thie one takes HILARIOUS to a whole new level. Where do you guys come up with this stuff? And thank you…I will never think of any of theses characters the same again!!! PLEASE UPDATE SOON!!!!!

KarateElf29

August 19, 2004

I love it! I always thought Frodo was a conceited git. Faramir with socks, lol. I like the Figwit thing at the end. Boromir is really weird… Great story! Please update soon!

Aaralaire

August 19, 2004

Great story! Please continue! I really want to know who Rivka chooses at the end!!!!!

Aaralaire

Elda_mellon

September 5, 2004

It’s brilliance! Pure brilliance!
I luv it. Can’t wait for the next page…..!

lissewen

September 17, 2004

OMG I almost died laughing! I hate reality shows but that is too funny! Update soon PLZ!!!!!

Nenyarwen

September 21, 2004

really funny how you have imagine the mind of the character. Superb!!!!

elfarcher2000

October 22, 2004

That was great. Can’t wait for the next chapter. I hope you finish it soon. It was very funny.

Shire5

October 23, 2004

I love it! I can’t wait ’til the next chapter comes out! Keep up the good work!
It was very funny.

faramirsmyman

October 28, 2004

hey, when’s episode 5 coming out!? my sister and i are DIEING to read it!!!! you guys are way too funny. it’s cruel to keep people on like this!! *taps fingers impatiently*

Anonymous

October 31, 2004

I totally loved this one! Very imaginative, i love the way all the characters have been illustrated! Keep up the funny work!

Lego_My_Legolas

November 11, 2004

I LOVE THIS FIC SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really hate the show on TV but I absilutly LOVE this parady. I nearly died the first time I read this; it was horrible: I took a drink of Orange soda at the worst moment*shudders*. Anyways it’s really great and I must have more. MORE I SAY, MORE!

Anonymous

November 20, 2004

This is SOO funny!! PLEASE MORE SOON!!! ooo its so great…I also hate the show but THIS THIS is awesome!!! MORE MUST HAVE MORE!!! * I have my guesses about “Boromir” hee hee hee lol*

GalrieeofCaradilACaBeatho

January 24, 2005

This story is extremely funny. I can’t wait for the next update. Please update soon.

Anonymous

January 29, 2005

update this soon! this was hysterical! I love it! And please update the As Middle Earth Turns as well…I am dying to see what happens at Legolas’s trial!

mirelle_elvenpearl

January 29, 2005

PLeeeze, write more soon, I love this and must see what happens! And update As Middle-Earth Turns too please!

LadyOfTheLight

February 14, 2005

I loved it. Please write more and make us happy:-)

Tadriendra

February 20, 2005

Oh, my goodness! Honey, this is absolutely hilarious! It is the middle of the night, and everyone is asleep, and I’m having to try dastardly hard to keep from rolling on the floor laughing!
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful

Reevee

March 5, 2005

This is like soooooo funny! You must have beern really psychotic to come up with something like this… and I mean that in the best possible way…

Anfurel

March 8, 2005

These quizes totally rock! When does the next part come out? I wanna know! Hilarious!
(And if you ever need any help, I am willing!)

Napolde

April 5, 2005

I LURVE THIS!!! PLEASE MAKE MORE!!!

Taulaes_Greenleaf_23

May 8, 2005

I love this stuff!!! please write more!!!where do you get this stuff ??? it’s great!!

Failië

May 29, 2005

Hurry, we need some more of this stuff. I need to find out who gets who. Come on!

Ewey

May 30, 2005

That’s awesome! When will you update it! I can’t wati to read next episode!!!!

Dunedain85

June 3, 2005

You guys almost got me fired! I read this at work, and it was close! WHEN WHEN WHEN is the next episode coming out?!!!! PLEASE update! I’m dyin here!

Nienna08

June 6, 2005

I laughed so hard at this!!! Are you going to finish it any time soon? I really want to read more!

elfedlem

June 6, 2005

hilarious, i just love it i cant wait til you have more!

Lady_Tessa

June 6, 2005

Please write more! Page three with the roommates cracked me up! I want you to finish the story so we can find out just exactly who she ends up with (I know who I would choose, but that’s me).

Elawyn

June 7, 2005

That was so funny. But I have a question; isn’t gollum like a zombie to, like Borimir? Didn’t gollum die already?

Idrien

June 14, 2005

I’ve noticed quite few people have been asking ( well, begging!) for the continuasion of this story. I think I figured out what’s behind “Boromir’s”, um, ackwardness, and I want to find out if I’m right! Please post soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Naerdiel

June 20, 2005

They made me, literally, laugh out loud several times ….and then feel crazy for doing so. Will there be more episodes soon?

PIPPIN_RULES

June 29, 2005

This is SO great!You really need to write more!WHO DOSE RIVKA CHOOSE?!?!?!

Theodreds_Girl

September 24, 2005

This is like So cool. I really want to know who Rivika chooses! Honestly, I really do.

Celebnor

October 15, 2005

If you don’t….I’ll…I’ll…uh…
(2 hours later)
ah! If you don’t continue, I will score it as a one!

Niphredill

October 27, 2005

This is perfect, I mean it, and if you don´t, …
Well, it just won´t be fair

Ayanna_MoonMaiden

November 16, 2005

I love this. I was laughing so hard when I read it, me and my friend can’t wait for the next part please writ soon

barefootelf

January 16, 2006

Please write more… I’ve been sitting on the edge of my seat for about a year now and it’s getting uncomfortable!

mrsgreenleaf

February 14, 2006

WRITE MORE!!! pls!!!!! i luve this!!!!!!!

ceit

February 14, 2006

what the title says.

TinNim

March 20, 2006

What the title said.

Aerlinniel

July 24, 2006

This is an awesome series. You guys really need to continue it. I really want to know who Rivka chooses because it’s killin’ me. Ever since I got done reading this it’s been killin me. I do hope she goes for etiher Eomer or Faramir because they’re both hot. Well, never mind that lol. Please continue. CH33RS!

holalola

July 25, 2006

this is so great! hurry up and write more please!!!!!!!!

PrincessCeleste

September 9, 2006

This is so much fun. I loved it the moment I started reading it. I am waiting for more of it. I hope there are more episodes of this soon.

narcianienna

September 26, 2006

this storey is soo funny n interesting, i cant wait till the next episode. ehhem “bloody”, barley any english say that as i am english

starofdunedain

November 16, 2006

This story is so hilarious. I’m dying to know what happens next. Please write more!!!!

Galadwhen

January 12, 2007

This had me laughing so, so hard! I loved the whole Eomer thing, really funny!

Sahura

March 3, 2007

Don’t diss Merry! He rocks! He doesn’t waddle.

Apart from that, I love it! I have yet to read the latest chapter, but I’m loving it so far Brilliant stab at ‘reality’ tv

-2 for being mean to Merry. 10 for the rest of it finally, someone else publicly recognizes what a sorry prick movie Frodo is

Elfalas

March 28, 2007

I love this. One of the first things I read when I came to the site. I laughed out loud when I read it, then my perents wanted to know what was so funny!I gave it a ten, all the way!! Can’t wait for the next episode!!!

Saicel

July 29, 2007

This… is… AWESOME.

Eol seems rather pervy to me…

Lothara

November 20, 2007

Was very funny, Laughed out loud while reading it, scared parents…lol…

super_hobbit

December 21, 2007

I can not stop laughing while i read this! Cant wait to read what happens next!

krtuttle

January 13, 2008

Please more!!! I now read this whenever I want a laugh. Please please please write more…

Laura_Lothlorien

May 11, 2008

One of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Great Job!

Cothiel

June 18, 2008

This rocks, please post part 5 or I’ll be mad at you two. And keep in Frodo for a long time, he is funny!

lothlorien_is_heaven

March 13, 2010

I am captivated, there’s no way I’ll stop PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE post part five soon!

Eruanna_Saerwen

October 21, 2010

omg!!! this might be the funniest thing ive read on CoE so far!!!

Alaeralys

February 13, 2012

Hilarious! I was laughing so hard! When are you posting the next one?

RimmoldadTheWizard

March 8, 2012

That was hilarious, I was falling over at the bowling and skating parts.