One day last week I received the following text from a number I didn’t recognize…

ANONYMOUS: What’s gucci

Is someone really asking me what Gucci is? Or is it some new greeting the kids are into these days? I chose to ignore it. They’ll figure out it’s not who they thought it was and get the answer from them. Who hasn’t gotten the random 3am text “ZOMG IM SO DURNKKK CPMR GIT MWEE” or “crap where am i whyz every1 speaking asian” or “dude. where you at.”

I didn’t think much of it until the next evening when I received another text from the same number…

ANONYMOUS: This stef

At this point I have two choices, as I see it. A) Tell Stef that this is not who she/he thinks it is. ORRRRRR much more amusing and entertaining option 2) Do not tell Stef. See how long it takes him/her to realize it. Figuring that Stef is likely a caveperson (or perhaps a high school girl), I decided to respond in her/his language (that’s annoying…I’m guessing it’s a girl. Let’s stick with female pronouns).

ME: This Tarzan!
STEFANIE: No lol
ME: Why no lol? That was pretty funny.
STEFANI: It was ill give you that. I just didn’t have nothing clever to say back lol

This last message seems to be encrypted or something. I can barely read it. After some deliberation, I respond honestly with…

ME: I don’t not know what to say to that lol

…in her language. Now I’m interested. What will Stef say next? Will she pick up on my thinly veiled mockery? Will she realize her friend doesn’t make jokes like this and doesn’t talk like this? Has she demanded a refund on her phone which apparently shipped without any punctuation keys? Shortly I get a reply…

STEFANY: What have you been doing

Now she has a robot voice in my head. I lobby one to her…

ME: Goin’ to school, you know. Learnin’ bout punctuation.

Not missing a beat, Stef comes back with…

STEFANIA: Not bad not bad

Lame, Stef. I’m disappointed. I’m bored with this game. Fiance and I have now arrived at a wine bar downtown for an art showing* (we’re a goddamn classy couple). I’m interacting with people IRL. Stef is fading from memory. In a last attempt to get something interesting out of her, I ask…

ME: You?

Her reply, which I read while at the bar waiting for a glass of Vouvray, knocks me right over. Warning: NSFW. Also NSFWineBar.

STEFANINE: Same shit. Smokin blunts and slapping cunts
ME: Now I really don’t not know what not to say to that.