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How to Buy Happiness

You are unfulfilled millionaire that bathes in $1000/bottle cognac and feed your cat Beluga caviar. I understand it’s quite draining both mentally and emotionally to spend thousands of dollars on a daily basis. Maybe you’re not spending enough? Yeah, that’s definitely what’s wrong. Here are a few ways you can buy happiness.

If a Louis Vuitton Bag had sex with a Fisher Price Toy

Sure you have a $4.000 Alienware laptop to watch Youtube on, but it lacks the nauseating extravagance to makes you smile by just looking at it. Then the subtly named Ego (which is actually E-go but let’s not kid ourselves) company has the perfect laptop for you. Wrapped in obnoxiously opulent Italian crocodile leather this laptop isn’t a machine that will help you solve complex algorithms, but it will definitely make you look like you have a sizable trust fund. It’s all in the name after all the Ego Lifestyle. If the $11.000 price tag makes you scoff (if it’s sold out that means any commoner can afford it), then there is a white gold and diamond embedded version that is a measly $350.000, well measly for you that is. Best of all it looks like a child’s toy purse. Exclusively for the Neo-rich that want to prove beyond a benefit of doubt that money can’t buy taste.

iPhone 6 x 16

You are not the type of person that purchases gadgets that come in cardboard boxes. Your devices come in sleek black lacquered boxes that are inlaid with Corinthian leather. They also cost about 8 times what the most expensive smartphone on the market cost. Enter the Vertu Touch Pure Jet Alligator Diamonds. This obscenely expensive jewelry/phone/douchebag badge will set you back about as much as a new Honda: $16.000. As a device it features sound by Bang & Olufsen, a camera by Hasselblad and for the unbelievably pretentious coup de grâce: London Symphony Orchestra tones. If you never heard of those companies, it’s because you could never afford anything they make. Trust me it’s all prohibitively expensive for someone like you. It also features alligator leather trim, titanium sides, 124 white diamonds in a white gold bezel (which they call a ‘White Gold Pillow Trim’, pompous?) and runs a custom version of Android. Which still makes it a smarter purchase than the iPhone 6.

An alligator dies so you can get booty calls.

Although locomotion under your own power is something relegated to the lowliest of low, this bicycle will scream I am the richest of the rich. A statement which definitely deserves a few extra burnt calories. If you use foie gras to grease your indoor platinum shuffle board deck then this is the perfect way to show your excessive and frivolous spending. Added bonus, it will also make you look green which is all the rage right now (even if you do have an agreement to dump medical waste in the Sierra Nevada, it is all about saving face). For the meager price of a Range Rover (about 100.000, you already have six of them anyway) you can buy the AURUMANIA Gold Bike Crystal Edition. It is a handmade single-gear bicycle that is plated in 24K gold and accented with over 600 Swarovski Crystals. With only ten made it is so exclusive it’s like having a VIP area in a VIP area that is separated by another VIP area. Pity you can’t get a gold helmet to go along with it, but it will look magnificently opulent hung off the back of your gold plated Porsche.

Can the handlebar grips be made of Rhino that would be fabulous, its endangered? How much?

Gold Encased Gaming

The only way you connect to the common folk is through miles and miles of photo-optic fibers. When you go online and start belittling the everyday Joes that crowd everything including the servers you play on, you want to have a little something more to rub into their faces. When you get that head-shot just to make defeat sting a bit more, you can say: “I just did that with my gold encased PS4 and gold accented controller.” It would be worth every single penny of its $13.000 price tag. When you’re finally caught for embezzling, you can even use your console as currency. It’s covered in 220 grams of rose gold and designed by Italian Jewelry designers Gatti Luxury Labs.

YOU JUST GOT PWNED!!! By that jewelry designer. Dude! 13 grand for a PS4?

Making Bruce Wayne your ……

Bruce Wayne is a fictional millionaire by day Batman by night. He has so much money he can create bullet-proof armor, a tank-like car, and a high-tech crime-lab/ surveillance-lab in a cave. What would make you seem even richer than that? By making the Bat-cave your own personal home theater. For a meager $2.000.000 investment you can say to all your other rich frenemies: “Look I’m so rich that I use a high-tech crime lab to watch movies in”, try not to chip a tooth while enjoying your gold plated popcorn.

I am Batman the Dark Knight, what can I get you to drink sir?

Image source: guff

Are you a disgustingly rich trust fund kid that believes charity just hurts the weak? Then don’t leave a comment because you’re horrible, everyone else feel free to comment in the section below.