Declan Q. + Daniel R.H. ¦ Writers ¦ Breaking News

‘I didn’t have time to play their games,’ said fourth year LLB student Sophie Swan to Smoking Duck reporters. Instead of engaging with the group who hand out flyers adjacent to the library, she simply strutted towards the library doors, phone in hand, eyes down, and moved on with her day at an unprecedented pace.

UOW political scientists, who focus on studying the various university political groups and how to avoid any contact with them, have been interested by the impressive result of Sophie’s approach. After several years of research, and adopting various approaches to avoid the awkward conversation with the politically active, PHD student Isabel Rosandic had this to say about the recent phenomenon:

‘Yes, it definitely is a breakthrough for my research. Along with a team of academics, I have been testing different approaches to avoid being dragged into political discussions with random students at 10:30am on a Monday morning, particularly during the mid-semester period where sleep is scarce.”

Isabel has provided the Smoking Duck with her research as of date:

Approach:

Method:

Result:

1. Recognise the existence of the stall

Walk slowly, make eye contact with the people handing out the flyers, be approachable, and talk to them like they are normal human beings.

Missing the start of a tutorial because of the 30-minute political discussion that ensues. Becoming a member of the club against your initial will.

2. Exchange pleasantries

Walk at a faster pace, make eye contact with the people handing out flyers, say ‘hi’ and try to continue on with your day.

Forcibly being engaged into a conversation because you didn’t have the will power to say “no” to their question, “Do you care about human rights?” Missing the start of a tutorial because of the 30-minute political discussion that ensues. Becoming a member of the club against your initial will.

3. Challenge the political ideologies of the club

Approach the stall of your own free volition. Challenge the political ideals espoused through using historical sources and examples which explain the weakness in the philosophy.

Being met with a demonic, unison screech from all members of the club.

‘So yes, Sophie has provided me with a new avenue for discussion about the intricacies of being able to have your rather weak political ideals unchallenged by said students’, Isabel continued.

Marco Van Taco ¦ Writer

On a warm spring day, many students at the Unibar were jovially drinking beers at lunchtime. Glasses clinking, cigarette smoke wafting, and general banter and laughter filling the surrounds. One group of five students in particular had an upcoming lecture to attend in 10 minutes. What followed would change the lives of all uni students for the rest of history.

Mark, looking at the time says, “Oh its 1:20pm, we need to quickly head to class!”

Jaycee then said the ballsiest thing since a UOW lecturer told his class that a philosophy degree increases their job prospects.

“What class?”, Jaycee sarcastically says, smirking slyly as he takes a sip of his middy.

Matthew looks up from his phone with his jaws dropped, Luke chokes on a sip of beer, and John drops his cider to the floor in one of those slow motion glass breaking scenes with the Wachowski Brothers spinning camera effects.

A few eavesdropping students pause for a moment to acknowledge the audacity of a fellow student saying such a thing. They all turn and stare.

“Wh…what?”, one table murmurs.

While John calls to get the broken glass picked up, Mark reminds Jaycee, “You need to attend lectures! You…you just need to. What about the lecturer!? How would they feel? They’re not just doing this to build up their own CV, they truly really care about you, even if they do get paid whether or not you come back next year!”

“Nah, I got it sorted bro. First year is too easy, I’ll just get the notes off my mate in second year to ace the 70% final.” Jaycee responds with an overly confident look that implies he can’t go back on what he said now. “What about the integrity of your grade?” Matthew says concerned. Jaycee shrugs.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John gather their backpacks and leave Jaycee to head off to class, already beginning the first retelling of the soon to be legendary event.

Later, the Smoking Duck reached out to Jaycee’s teacher, Professor P. Pilate, for comment. He said he had heard of Jaycee’s dauntlessness to University class attendance and had a few words for the revolutionary 1styear student.

“The story has spread like wildfire through the office, it’s a watercooler favourite now. The academics are furious! I admire the confidence he has, but he must be stopped. We can’t let his blasphemy influence the other students. I’ll bring him in front disciplinary, and let the powers at be decide his fate.”

Jaycee has not been seen since this day, but his legacy lives on in the Pass grades awarded to all the unexceptional students following in his footsteps. He is set to be canonised as the first Patron Saint of UOW in the coming months.

Declan Q. + Daniel R.H. ¦ Writers ¦ Breaking News

Second Year American exchange student, James Harrington, was found dead, face down in a snack pack outside Fat Boys kebabs after a session at the Grand Hotel. He had previously found himself attempting to compete with the Australian students strict weekly schedule of Pepes, Amigos, Grand, Illa, and Harp. He was last seen in a frantic state, commenting to Smoking Duck reporters on the situation.

“It’s these damn Australian’s. Every night they’re banging on my dorm room door. The savages won’t leave me alone.” He began to sob. “I got a scholarship to come to one of Australia’s best University’s. I just want to study.”

Seen as a campus right of passage, James had attempted the perfect week in previous weeks before, but had failed to complete it.

It is believed a mixture of fatigue and coronary failure is the cause of James’s death, resulting from the late night eating habits associated with Wollongong’s nightlife. It is believed the flashing of the Kebab store’s neon sign stood irresistible to the former Michigan State University running back, who has fallen victim to Australia’s cultural delicacy of meat, chips, cheese, chilli and garlic sauce.

Week after week, hangover after hangover, James’ self-loathing had transformed into a new determination to complete the perfect week. Also motivated by harsh (but maybe necessary) words of his peers. Dorm mate, Mark Thomas, had this to say about the event.

“Yeah. Rather disappointing about James. Heard he didn’t even make it past night three. Going to absolute shred him to pieces next time I see him (laughs)…wait, he died!?”

Jason B. ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

A Wollongong University Student has today been awarded the prestigious University Medal for her work in posting photographs of a slightly crooked car on the ‘UOW Students Buy and Sell’ Facebook group. Sarah, a 3rd year medicine student, has received unanimous applause from her peers and academics for her achievement.
“It’s absolutely inspiring to see this sort of reaction,” said Sarah, who spends her spare time volunteering at her local homeless centre 4 days a week. But she says helping the sick or the homeless does not compare to the feeling she gets when she sees those likes pop up on her Buy & Sell post.

“There’s no greater injustice facing modern society than goons double parking on campus. I had to search for another car park for a whole two minutes because of ‘CWH 60J’. Unbelievable. I only wish I had more free hours in the day so I could continue patrolling the car parks around P3 and P4.”
The Smoking Duck was able to reach Mark, one of the culprits, for comment on the matter. “I’m deeply remorseful for my actions, and am truly thankful to Sarah for helping to hold me accountable for my actions. Those 12 angry reactions on Facebook burn my soul far more than a $300 fine ever could.”

The Smoking Duck can confirm Sarah is talks with UOW CSE with setting up a society dedicated to tackling injustice across campus, in the aim of setting up a social media Gestapo. “I’m thinking of extending beyond bad parking. There are plenty of monsters that need to be stopped. Like those arses who reserve tables in a crowded library by leaving one textbook on it while they go out to eat.”

Due to the sheer prevalence and importance of the issue, Sarah is asking for anyone donating to remedy the Hurricane Harvey disaster to kindly divert all funds to her cause.