Authorities have stunned the world with lurid reports of a sweeping investigation into
a sex scandal involving employees of renowned candy manufacturer Willy Wonka.

An 18-month investigation has resulted in numerous arrests,
including the indictments of dozens of Oompa Loompas, the diminutive workers at the
factory made famous in a well-known documentary film entitled, Willy Wonka and the
Chocolate Factory.

There have been sordid and almost unbelievable reports of a wide range of offenses,
including pornographic films featuring Oompa Loompas, all-night orgies at the Wonka
factory and other incidents of lewd behaviorat least one involving a taffy-pulling
machine and what investigators are calling "inappropriate relations with a golden
goose."

"Those Oompa Loompas are anything but cute and cuddly," said Lt. Irving
Lügner, lead investigator. "You dont even want to know what those little
perverts have done in that chocolate river."

Officials have released a number of incriminating photos, allegedly featuring Oompa
Loompas in compromising positions in various locations throughout the Wonka factory.

"Lets say this entire affair took many of us by surprise," said one
local official, who wished to remain anonymous. "These arent the people you
would expect to be involved in a sex scandal, like evangelists or professional athletes.
No, some people held these Loompas in very high regard. Especially the kids."

Also under investigation is the notoriously reclusive head of the
Wonka organization, Willy Wonka. The enigmatic Wonka, and his legal representatives, not
surprisingly, have refused to comment on the investigation.

"That Wonka guywe should have known," said one detective close to the
investigation. "The signs were all there. Ive been working vice for twenty
years, and lets just say you dont often find a guy with a purple coat and
comb-over who isnt the head of a sex ring. The mans name is Willy for crying
out loud."

Now that the scandal has broken, many citizens are echoing that sentiment, vocally
criticizing law enforcement authorities for actions many feel are too little too late.
Shouldnt someone have known?

Some cite the fact that the aforementioned documentary, Willy Wonka and the
Chocolate Factory, contained any number of "red flags" which should have
tipped officials off to the carnal depravity alleged to have thrived within the walls of
the secretive Wonka factory.

The documentary follows a young boy, Charlie Bucket, as he participates in a highly
suspect "lottery" to gain access to the Wonka factory. Other children are also
lured to the Wonka factory by promises of sweets. Once inside, children begin to disappear
almost immediately. Their disappearances are never adequately explained, and ironically,
the Oompa Loompas now at the center of all the controversy have the audacity to sing
after each child disappears. If it did not exist on film, it would almost be too shocking
to believe.

Critics charge that signs of impropriety at the Wonka
factorymany alluding to sexual acts and substance abuseare littered throughout
the gritty documentary. Detractors set forth the following lines, gleaned from a
transcript of the film, as being particularly incriminating:

Bill (candy store owner): "Hey, take it easy. You'll get a
stomachache if you swallow it like that."

Wonka: "Well, fortunately small boys are extremely springy
and elastic."

Outraged parents and "little people" advocacy groups claim those seemingly
innocuous lines were a clear indication that Wonkas "world of pure
imagination" was not so pure after all.

Even in the heat of public criticism, authorities continue their investigation.

"Were shocked by the level of depravity weve unearthed,"
said Lt. Lügner. "A candy factory was the perfect cover. Let me just
say that those folks at Hershey had better make sure their house is in order.
Same goes for those M&M people. Listen, thats just one letter away
from S&M, and theres no way this kind of thing is going to happen
again. Not on my watch."