Saturday, October 12, 2013

Fences

If I would've written this post two days ago it would've had a completely different undertone. I had spent part of my morning searching through adoption photo listings on various agency's websites. I was feeling broken and unusually sarcastic but in somewhat of a dark way if that makes sense at all. Which it probably doesn't. Anywho - I had came across a posting for a sibling group of three children located in NC. They are 5, 3, and 2 and for almost 24 hours I contemplated the idea of going straight from one child to four. Isaac and I discussed our concerns which, as different as we are, turned out to be exactly the same. By the end of this timeframe I came to the conclusion that we're just not ready to take that on. And the heartbreak settled in like it has for the past 13 months of this. I'm not sure what is happening but my heart is stirring and I'm not sure how much longer I can "try" for another baby. Every single time I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed I see newly pregnant friends, friends finding out the gender of their unborn baby, newborns, babies, siblings, etc. I "like" or comment my Congratulations and I truly am happy for those women and families. But, if I'm completely honest I'm just as much if not more jealous. And jealousy sucks. I'm not a fan of it and I try to stay away from it. We all have things that we wish we could do or we wish we had, blah blah blah. However, if you spend more time concentrating on what you DO HAVE you'll naturally move farther away from feelings of jealousy. So that's usually my tactic. In this case, it just isn't working very well. Sure, I have a son who is drop dead gorgeous, smart, hilarious, kind, loving, and respectful. But I can't shake this human maternal instinct of desiring another pregnancy and newborn. I will never forget how elated Isaac and I both felt when Jonah was born. Our connection and the love we had for each other and for Jonah instantly multiplied beyond what we could've ever imagined. The tiny life that we created changed our hearts and we would never be the same. Never.

Adoption may be our answer but we're just not sure yet. As my best friend and sister put it, I'm on the fence. And for me, the fence is the absolute most frustrating place to be. As I weeped to Trish on the phone the other day she reminded me of how worthy I am. And how talented I am. And how if I went from one child to four that I could totally pull it off better than most others she knows. I mentioned to her that I've felt for a long time that I have a purpose far greater than anything I've accomplished so far and that possibly, this could be it. She agreed and encouraged me in a way that I knew deep inside could be only One way - God was using her. It was humbling and exactly what I needed. I thanked her at the end of our conversation but I don't think she knows how much her words impacted me and how grateful I am for the 28 years that we've known one another. No matter how different our lives are, no matter how many miles we're apart, no matter how many disagreements we have or how many times we hurt each other's feelings, I know that we will never stop being friends.

If you're reading this you probably read the previous post back in June. Lots has happened since then. We started our journey with REACH (Reproductive Endocrinology Associates of Charlotte) after a client reached out to me and shared her own story of infertility. On our first visit the Dr. we saw was "90%" sure that I had a blockage in one or both Fallopian tubes due to a D & C I had a couple of weeks after Jonah was born. He said I needed to schedule an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) which involves placing an iodine-based dye through the cervix and taking x-rays to help evaluate the shape of the uterus and whether or not the fallopian tubes are open or blocked. It has to be done between days 10 and 12 of your cycle. He left the room and I broke down. I wanted answers but I didn't expect to hear that. I quickly made the appointment because I was approaching the specific timeframe. The x-ray (which was a total blast by the way) revealed no blockage. None. It was a relief but again, not what I expected. That day I realized that I shouldn't put all of my eggs into one basket. No pun intended. He said 90% and to me, that meant 100%. I should've listened better. The only negative aspect was that it was more of a "mystery" as he put it. The next step was semen analysis for Isaac which revealed completely normal results too. Our last appointment was several weeks ago and the Dr. said we could do nothing and keep trying or we could do one last test. The last test will determine how many "good" eggs I have left. This test has to be performed during an even smaller window of time, which I have not reached yet. We will be having this test done because it will determine our next steps. If the percentage is low, we'll be much more aggressive with treatment. If the percentage is normal we will either keep trying the old fashioned way or still do IUI, that is, if I don't hop down off this fence onto the Adoption side.

Friends, thank you for your prayers. I feel them and I appreciate it more than you could ever fathom. If you don't mind, please continue. Isaac, Jonah, and I will be forever grateful.

3 comments:

Cara, your transparency is overwhelming -- in the best way. Thank you so much for sharing part of your story with us all. We have no idea how God will continue to use your obedience to reach other people. You are loved by many, but most importantly, by the most Faithful One who makes the impossible possible. Praying for you and your precious family!

Cara, you did pics for our son Bradley 8 years ago. (I found this today through a link from fb memories.) We adopted him after our struggles with infertility. It took us 8 years to decide to adopt, because I felt like I was giving up on myself. Bradley is an amazing 8 year old now and I can't imagine not having our son in our lives. Good luck with REACH. I know how hard those appointments can be. I have great connections for adoptions if you choose to go that route.Amie Gwiazdzinski