The INFJ Dark Side

I’m an eternal optimist and a fierce defender of everything the INFJ personality represents. As a professional coach focused on INFJs, it’s my job and calling to see that hidden potential you have, and to show you how to let it out without guilt. But the term “INFJ dark side” caught my attention recently, since it was mentioned that some influential people who are INFJs had a darker side. So, I decided to dig deeper and ask myself…

Do INFJs have a dark side?

The answer is, yes, absolutely. I have to be honest, I was a little nervous while writing this, because as with everything, there’s no middle ground with INFJs, even when we think about the INFJ dark side. As someone who believes in the INFJ personality so much, I had to think carefully about how to explain the dark we have within. The response was, we are only human, after all.

Everyone has something dark that they don’t want to come out, and we INFJs are no different. The only concern is, what is ours? Well I can tell you, (warning, vulnerable moment ahead) my dark side is that I am like a Celtic warrior if somebody hurts my friend, and people I cherish the most.

In these situations, everything that makes me an INFJ seems to evaporate. My calm, calculated, analytic nature is gone, and my sole purpose is to protect the ones I love. Am I afraid of my INFJ dark side? Of course I am, but it doesn’t control me. The peacemaker instinct that the majority of INFJs have is just too strong for us to ever allow the darkness to overwhelm us.

To help you understand the dark side of an INFJ, I’ll share three scary examples of our hidden, rarely seen side. It’s better to read about it than to experience it first hand, right?

1. Door Slam coldness.

The INFJ Door Slam on its own is an act of self-care for INFJs. However, when we close the door, you’ll also experience an INFJ’s coldness. The person who faced this chilling moment literally doesn’t exist to us anymore, and no plea or apologies work, no matter how much you meant to us before. You are erased from our mind, and we will behave like you never existed.

2. Fierceness and aggression.

Whatever you do, never hurt a friend of an INFJ. All of our virtues, our measured thoughts, understanding, acceptance, kindness — it all disintegrates when our friend or loved one is in danger. We will act immediately and decisively with no second thought. We’ll do everything to protect the ones we love. We become fierce warriors that know no fear, and it can be a really terrifying thing to see.

3. INFJ rage.

I recently saw a picture where the rage of an INFJ was compared to that of The Incredible Hulk — a good comparison. You must understand, a lot of INFJs were bullied, humiliated, or mocked at some point in our life. Even our kindness has limits. I always believed that the scariest sight for me would be seeing an angry INFJ. If that ever happens to you, run.

The question you are probably asking yourself after reading this is…

How to keep our INFJ dark side under control?

Luckily, the moments when the INFJ dark side takes over are extremely rare, but they can happen. For me personally, it’s our rage that scares me the most. It’s that loss of control that can be frightening. But even then, remember to take a deep breath, look at the situation from a different perspective, and remind yourself that goodness and understanding are our trademarks.

I’ve said countless times that INFJ acceptance knows no bounds, and that’s 100 percent true. We are diplomats and peacemakers, and we blindly believe in humanity, regardless of what is happening.

So, even in your darkest hour, tell yourself that this world has seen its fair share of evil, and that you are the representative of all that is kind. There is always good to be found, and INFJs are its seekers and protectors. ☺

What would be your INFJ dark side my fellow INFJ?

Do you believe you have one? Please share your comments below, I am really curious to hear your thoughts on this! ☺

119 Comments

Mayank
on September 11, 2017 at 11:50 pm

Thanks for the article Marko. I can totally relate to this. I am very scared of my anger. Over the years I have learned to control it (but of course I am still short tempered).
What I am concerned about is that if I don’t vent my anger out, at some point in time in future it will affect me badly.

You are most welcome, Mayank, glad you could relate with thew article. 🙂 I hear you, and that’s something many INFJs face. We hold our emotions in, so there’s this chance of them getting out when we don’t want them to. Just remember to peacefuly vent yourself and not allow anger to control you.

I most fear rage, but that rage is very different from anger. In my opinion, expressions of anger are an important part in growth and self-discovery. Rage and aggression come with blinders. Fierceness/aggression is a protective response. The blinders are what can frighten me there, but I keep that in check. I mean, we are only human as you said. There’s darkness in all of us, it’s how we let light shine and keep control of that darkness that defines us. Mysef, at least. Good article. Made me think.

Thanks for this Marko. I used to find that my temper used to become quite short & dark when I was in a situation where I felt that I was being taken advantage of, is this common? But yes you are right about the desire to protect those that we care about. I have found as I have got older & the need to reduce my stress levels has meant that I tend to think more carefully, take a step back & review what is going on. The fact is that we aren’t often understood well by others (even those we are close to) is probably part of the reason that this type of darkness can arise, because people that are wanting to see what will push our buttons, (in my experience there are those out there that do this, for whatever reason, I dont understand) I would suggest that people don’t really get that we have like any other person a point where we have to draw the line & retreat, not only for our own self care, but also to regroup & work through what has happened.

This is exactly correct about us! I recently had a friend, of 40 years, who I’ve helped more times than I can count, cross that line with me that caused The Door Slam. He’s dead to me. Blocked, crossed off, persona non grata. I also am so fiercely protective of my family, friends I feel I would kill if anybody hurt somebody I loved. And being in my ’50s I have learned to control my rage, but in my youth-heaven help the person who was on the other end of it. So this is spot on. It’s so funny because people who don’t know me have said things like,”You don’t have a mean bone in your body!”, which I don’t because I was abused as a kid so meanness doesn’t hold a high place on my list of qualities that I admire. But most people mistake our lack of “meanness” for a lack of anger or rage, which is a huge mistake! So spot on, well done!

I too literally run away ( or walk real fast) when my anger flairs up. I can’t tell you how many times I compare myself to the incredible hulk. Because I know I will rip the soul out of the person i am angry at with my words. And I don’t EVER want to hurt anybody that bad. I know this because iv done it a handful of times. Now when I get mad, I leave as quickly as I possibly can because the posin is coming out and i know it.
Thats one of my dark side traits. The other is depression. People escape depression in many ways. I preferre to sleep and HOLY COW can I sleep!!!!! 48 hr straight sleep….. no problem. People see that as BAD. I see it as escape. Maybe not all INFJs have depression…. i don’t know
One thing, as an INFJ, is kind of like how you explained in your article, I wear my heart on my sleeve, careing and loyal to someone to the core, and when I’ve been hurt by you enough times I am DONE with you forever! But I admit it took me like 20 years before I gave myself permission to walk away from someone. Currently it’s happening to me and very close family members. And I feel incredibly guilty slamming the door on my sisters and my dad, but they have hurt me one too many times and I am DONE with them !!!
INFJ have dark sides. I think it’s because we are so complex and it’s how we deal with life. Thank you so much for your article. You completely validated me as a human being. I thought I was a bad person but now I realize it’s just who I am. And it’s OK to be me

I am exactly the same, when we get angry we make up for lost time, I think some people have been terrified of me, I terrify myself too, I learn how to cope & calm myself down before things get too bad & do my best but if it comes out, we are only human,

You did a great job at writing this and explained well how difficult things can be when were angry or feel protective over those we love when their hurt. Thanks for sharing this article it was encouraging to read

Hi Marko
Thank you for this article.
I love love love everything you write and I’m a fellow INFJ which I’ve only recently discovered.
It’s like a breath of fresh air reading your posts and every single one reflects my soul.

As for our dark side, I too totally relate to it. The good thing is I was already aware of it but reading this consolidates it for me so thank you.

One of my main issue when it comes to anger is I express other people’s suppressed anger with ease and then am judged for it as they view it as mine. It’s a work in progress and many wouldn’t understand if I said I’m inadvertently expressing your unconscious anger.

No answer for this I guess apart from me needing to hesitate when my emotion pours out.

I totally relate to your main issue comment about when it comes to anger I express other people’s suppressed anger with ease and then am judged for it as they view it as mine. I’m typically the scapegoat for others. It’s a lone wolf life.

Great article, Marko, though I would love to see you expand it. For me, the rage piece is the scariest, because, although it is relatively rare, the hurts that lead to it are so old and so painful, that when rage does emerge, it can very quickly be uncontrollable. Fortunately, in my case, the result is mainly verbal. Unfortunately, it can still have a hurtful effect on those in my vicinity.

My dark side has always scared me. Ever since a near-tragic incident when I was 15, I’ve had to keep it in check for fear I’d lash out and hurt someone again.

Also, until I learned about being an INFJ, I could never understand people who told others “you’re dead to me” and then be best buddies again the next day. I always thought I was a monster for feeling like I could literally cut a loved one out of my life if I thought they were too toxic for me.

Thank you for the vulnerability it required to publish this piece! I experience all of these 3 characteristics you’ve named in the article. I find It extremely hard to maintain a balance between calm and full out rage. It is continuously on my improvement list. Only my inner circle has witnessed my propensity to protect and defend and I sure would like to keep it that way because in those moments even I am afraid of what I am capable of.

Very good article. And so spot on! I thought I was the only INFJ with a bad temper..lol. I can take all kinds of abuse. More than the average person. I rationalize and empathize. Give the other person the benefit of all doubts. For example, they’re just having a bad day. They must have troubles in their home life, etc.. Some things you can’t take personal. It’s just others lashing out. And I tend to feel sorry for them, if that makes any sense.

But! There is a line in the sand. When that line is crossed, there is no doubt in my mind that the attack is personal and deliberate. Not only do I act without hesitation or doubt, but with the fury of all those emotions I’ve suppressed.

It’s not easy being the better person. But, it’s the right thing to do. I suppose that there comes a time when it’s NOT the right thing to do. And a person has to stand up for themselves. I just wish it wasn’t like throwing a switch.

I find the best thing for me, is to take myself out of the situation. A time-out to collect my thoughts. Recompose myself. Even if it’s just a brief mental break. It’s at that time that I find the humor in most situations. And can come back with a witty remark as opposed to a complete meltdown!

Thank you dino for this great comment, and for sharing what you do when you get near this INFJ switch. I agree with you, it’s definitely not easy, especially because we are so emotional and can build up those emotions for quite some time.

it’s a good article, so I don’t really get why you’re nervous writing it?
It’s only the truth afterall…
I doubt INFJ’s should feel attacted by it, when you’re only sharing the truth. And you aren’t rude or anything. 🙂

I can relate to it as INFJ of course, but I am not really afraid of my own anger.
The thing I do fear most is my impulsivity.
Doing something without thinking it through… because then I do get regrets later on.
Sometimes facebook is a trigger, and then I should stay away from FB as long as possible, because when you say something, and I don’t agree… well, that’s something I’m more afraid of. Mostly because I have the tendency to be competive and like to have the last word… I’m not very good at concealing the fact that if I think it’s like that, it’s just like that in my opinion. Well especially if it’s about something I am into, and I do for a fact know it’s correct what I’m telling. I never have been good at sugarcoating the truth… although I know I should sometimes…. Some people call it arrogant, dominant, or selfish, when that’s the last thing I want to be really. I just want to be honest,… because you need to do to another, what you want to be done to you by the others. So if I say the truth, I expect the truth in return. It’s only a shame people get angry by that, or never understand what I’m saying really…

So I’m not afraid of my anger, because… well mostly my anger is deserved by someone? If you get me angry, you have done things that aren’t good/fair.
So then doorslam someone like that, why would I regret this if they deserve it?
If you hurt the ones I love, don’t expect me to like you at all. You have crossed the line and you better go away, because I don’t need people like that in my surroundings…
Nowadays, if people do get me angry, I give them a warning in advantage.
So if they still not listen, is their own fault no?
People who are selfish, hurting innocents, saying bad things… bullies. Mostly when you – as INFJ- get angry it’s because people show their true colours. So we shouldn’t be sorry if we decide we are better of without them. There are many other people in this world, who will be good.

And for the one who is experiencing our anger, it is a lesson as well. To show the one they are doing wrong, and no matter what you think, Karma will be coming after you.
So then I just see us as a warning sign, ” be good or get what you deserve”.

Thank you so much for your understanding and honesty Elien. 🙂 Good to hear you are taking care of yourself in these situations, and that you possess such high level of self awareness, that’s great to hear!

This is so good to know that it is an INFJ thing! I have a pretty long fuse, but when I snap, it’s ugly. I end up saying just the most hurtful things, and regretting getting so upset. I am unable to argue rationally, and it is definitely one of the things I would like to work on getting better at. Knowing it is related to my INFJ-ness is definitely helpful.

I’m glad I’m not alone!!! I’ve always felt like I could cut ties on pick up and move to the mountains and not miss anyone, and wondered if there was something wrong with me.
This year I cut ties with my best friend, who was like a sister to me…. because the relationship was very one sided and toxic. I never looked back at all.
I think we know we have a tremendous amount to give, to invest and once we realize that it is being taken for granted and unrequited, it’s game over and no regrets.
Great article. It bothers me that most of the articles on INFJs are overly positive to the point of being ridiculous. I’m not ghandi. I have a dark side. I have a temper. I can be cold and selfish.

Having recently discovered I am an INFJ has helped me understand myself. After so long believing there was something wrong with me, with the help from your article’s I now know this not to be true. I identify with this article and the kids you for it brings more understanding standing about myself.
Thank you

I am an infj and you are spot on. I have a very dark side bit choose to be good. When I am under stres I cannot control my anger. I feel sometimes that it is not my anger or negative emotions but others that I feel profoundly like I am the reflection of other peoples emotions.

Hi, Marko! Wow, this is so true for me: “For me personally, it’s our rage that scares me the most.” Me, too, Marko. Me, too. Thankfully, for me, there are many fail-safes in place to keep that from happening. I have experienced it, though, and never want to go back.

Hello everyone, I noticed my difficulty controlling my anger comes from the inability by other people to respond to the reason I’m angry about, then I find my self trying to explain with out success, all this while I’m getting angrier,
I found that if I some how focus on the inability of the other person to understand why I’m angry instead of on the actual problem, I somehow become more under control, same mechanism as when your happy about something that you can not explain, you become very disappointed to the point that you have to hide your disappointment by acting as if is not as important to you.

Hi Marko, thanks for writing this article. I agree, it is a side to us we don’t like to admit to. I’ve not long discovered I’m an INFJ and it has been life changing. Understanding the coldness and detachment that comes with a ‘door slam’ is helpful because this has never been a conscious decision, it just suddenly happens when hurt becomes too much and rage starts to creep in. The INFJ rage is a mighty scary thing. I recall episodes of being so enraged the whole world seemed to have turned red and there is no reasoning or logic to be had. Fortunately this is now under control and I hope never to experience it again. Personally, hurt always drives anger and rage so protecting myself from the world and other people as much as possible helps keep it in check.

Great article! I am definitely guilty of possessing an infj dark side most being the door slam and rage. I usually bring it out when I know I’m taken advantage of or when im being judged. I’m learning how to let go of it, but like you said, most of us were bullied in some way and myself being gay it created contempt within my family which brought out my aggression and door slamming. But what cheers me up when I’m feeling a little down is that people do notice our kind nature. Sometimes I even doubt if I’m a good infj then for example, complete strangers ask me for advice or open up to me without me initiating any contact and it makes me feel honored and valued that they’re willing to share their intimate lives with me.

I am my own worst critic, so when it comes to having a dark side it always comes at my own expense. As a child, I had a habit of tearing at my fingernails and cuticles, and I regularly hounded myself. Maybe I did poorly on a test or perhaps I didn’t say the right thing. I “should” have said such and such, and to this day, I still chastise myself.

Since discovering Introvert Spring, though, I am finding it easier to understand myself. Thank you, Michaela and thank you Marko for helping me to ease my way into seeing that my being bullied wasn’t because there was something wrong with me.

I hear you, Rosalie. We INFJs can be our own worst critics, especially when it comes to anger or emotions. But I am so glad that you found us, and that the discovery of Michaela’s magnificent Introvert Spring site proved that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you understand yourself better. 🙂

I was thrilled when I learned about the INFJ Door Slam. Before that I thought there was something missing in my humanity chip. I’ve door slammed members of my immediate family (with incredibly good reason, but still, when people discover that, they look at me like I’m an alien).
I’m terrible at defending myself (PTSD, I freeze), but if it’s someone I love, I can’t hold back. I’ve never been violent (I refuse to be, especially because of my past), but on the rare occasions I’ve let loose, I’ve heard it’s terrifying.

Oh well. If the worst thing that can be said about us is we’re kind and tolerant until our goodwill is abused, and we protect our loved ones…I’m good with that.

All 3 spot on. #2 actually happened to me this past Friday at a high school football game. My kid was cheering for our team in their cheering section…some of the opposing teams kids came over to chide them some. At first all in fun…then got the feeling it was escalating so I intervened and escorted 6 high schoolers out of the situation from the other team. That’s the protector part…mess with my kid or the few I’ve allowed to know me and I will protect them and people around them. And #3 in the article…that’s no joke…I’ve only got to that point a few times and honestly it scares people because what happens is so different from the normal laid back guarded person who laughs a lot and likes to have fun. It’s like a switch that had 40 locks…but once that last lock is open and the switch flicked on there’s really no turning back.

Rage, is the worst dark side. Once in my youth i even blacked out. In my anger i had picked up my bully and hanged him by his trousers on the clothesrack in school. Me a very tiny thin little one had put the most muscular bully, to walk in my shoes, so to say… But it still scares me that the INFJ rage can make me do these things… me A peaceloving meek INFJ. The incident happend 34 years ago… and that is another thing to write about… the INFJ lcurse of remembering things like it was yeasterday.

I agree, Gretel. The INFJ rage can be really scary, especially when it’s building up. But just remember like you wrote, that you are an peace-loving and a caring person. And yes, we can remember those moments, I understand you regarding the bullying all too well.

Thank you Marko. I don’t usually like to share my thoughts as I’m a very private person but I couldn’t resist commenting on this topic. (Warning: I get a little personal)
I’ve experienced all three recently (door slam, etc). And I was surprised at how much rage I expressed- something I’ve never done/felt before.
It’s been building up over three years and I’ve kept my cool for this long, but something so menial just made me snap. I felt like I lost all control- an out of body experience that day. And as much as that scared me, it scared my family even more- something I deeply regret.
I’m finding it hard to find the right words here, but I think because I’ve been the “peacekeeper” in my family, they can’t seem to handle otherwise. They can tolerate each other’s anger, but not mine- it hurts them to the core.
Upon reflection, I do believe it’s ok, even healthy, to express anger but not to the point where you lose control. Bottling it up was unhealthy for me too. I should have seen a counsellor or someone who I could vent with, without judgement.
Perhaps I subconsciously allowed myself to let go at the point because I finally felt “safe” to do so. Or maybe I wanted to create some distance in the relationship so I wouldn’t be hurt. I’m not really sure…
I hope this comes across ok, I’m struggling to articulate what I’ve felt for a while.
Thanks Marko!

Thank you for sharing that, Desiray. You said a really insightful thing: “I do believe it’s ok, even healthy, to express anger but not to the point where you lose control.” Like you said, not to allow it to overwhelm or control us. You are most welcome, and thank you again for your thoughts!

INFJs are powerful, and likely among the most power of the types. The ability to decipher how people tick with a high level of accuracy enables INFJs to manipulate everyone around them, if they wish to. Appealing to individuals or even masses is easy when you can read people like a book and address their fears, hopes, and dreams. This power (or innate knowlege) can be on either side of the spectrum, and that’s why historical figures including Gandhi AND Hitler have often been typed as INFJs. Although, I wouldn’t necessarily call Gandhi a manipulator (even though his morality has been called into question in the past) it seemed as though he “just knew” what resonated with people and set a powerful example that changed history. Unfortunately, the same could be said for Hitler. From what I’ve read about INFJs, they want to change the world–even on a small scale. They’re innovators. They aren’t psychic but are better than most at convincing others. Don’t let your anger scare you, if it frightens you, you probably can’t control it as well as you think you do. But those are just my thoughts (I’m INFJ-ing you right now…) Break it down and understand it; adapt it for the good of yourself and others. Anger is a tool, and a great motivator. Use it for good.

Thanks for sharing your insightful thoughts, SJ! Despite the fact that some people from history were classified as INFJs, remember that there are personal traits that differentiate and go against everything an INFJ believes in. And that’s peace, understanding, acceptance, and kindness. These are the traits of INFJs, because we know how it feels to be hurt, so we would never do that to anyone.

I’d like to “piggy-back” on SJ’s comment regarding INFJ’s “ability to decipher how people tick with a high level of accuracy”. We can also use this “gift” to cause serious damage in relationships. Because we sit back, observe, and actually listen to people (a skill INFJ’s only seem to have mastered) we know what will hurt them the most. Unfortunately, this can be used to really tear someone apart when we’re pushed too far.

Yep, that’s it exactly. Door slam is real. And you never ever want to see the rage of a mama bear INFJ when someone has hurt my kid. I will burn down the village. I appreciate your insight because somehow it makes me feel more normal in my responses.

Beautifully written, I like you am an empath INFJ. My anger at times scares me. I have been told that my personality is very intense. I am a mother lion when someone has hurt my child or anyone I care deeply about. Since I discovered that I was an INFJ and your newsletter I realize that although we are a rare combination there are many INFJs out there and it makes me feel normal.

Thank you so much Cathy! I’m glad you like the article. 🙂 I believe you, that protector trait is really strong with us INFJs. Also, you are not alone, there is nothing wrong with you, and I am glad you found us. 🙂

I find most of this true. With the door slam I can’t banish all thoughts of that person, though. That takes time and effort. INFJ guilt tries to make a play for my mind.
—The rage, though terrifying enough in its own right, is not really what scares me. I get this coldness added to it. My head co-rules with the rage, channeling it and causing me to know just where to strike when in a fight. (Verbal, mind you. Unless you count the wrestling matches with my cousins.) When I get mad (generally because someone has just gone after someone else wrongfully) my tongue lets loose. And all of the empathic ability that is used for good most of the time turns into a precise strike that cripples my opponent. My family says I “neuter” my opponent. What scares me is that if I truly think the person is in the wrong, I feel no remorse for my words.

Thank you for sharing this, Brynn! What you described here can really happen to us INFJs, especially what you said regarding the thoughts after the Door Slam. It’s never easy to do, and even after there can still be some thought about it.

I think I share the same dark side, Marko, as it sounds like many INFJs do. I rarely get to that point in my anger or the other side, my icy coldness. Usually this only happens if I’ve simply had enough of someone’s repeated actions against me and, after hints have been dropped. Fortunately, this happens rarely. Also, I can relate to it being scary.

This is a great article, Marko. It feels good to be understood. I agree with everything you wrote here, in particular regarding the INFJ rage – I still suffer from that sometimes. I think it used to be worse when I was younger (a teenager), but when I get it it’s the kind of blinding rage that I can’t even let go of. It’s so frustrating because I know I’m being irrational.

If I had to add something to the list of things on the INFJ dark side, it would be our “obsessions”. I’m not sure if I can explain this well, but I’ll give it a try. For example, when I have a thought, a simple, quick, single thought, it immediately spirals into something bigger and bigger, until it becomes an obsession. For instance, let’s say one day I mindlessly think to myself “I’m getting tired/bored of my job”, that very moment, this thought gets bigger and bigger, I can’t let go of it, and I can’t take it back, so I become “obsessed” with the thought that I must leave my job (even if rationally it is a great job and I’m generally happy-ish with it). Does anyone else feel that way…? It almost reminds me of the movie Inception, where a tiny idea becomes something huge without me wanting it to. It’s so scary.

Of course the job example is silly because most people dislike their jobs in some way, but this happens with pretty much everything with me. I think it’s kind of related to the INFJ door slam too, because you get this idea that that person is toxic to you, and suddenly that becomes “that person is dead to me”.

Thank you Tess, I’m glad you lied the article and that it resonated with you. 🙂 Also, thanks for sharing your insight on this, the INFJ rage combined with an obsession can be a scary thing, I fully agree with you. You are most welcome, thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🙂

Thanks Marco; I concur with your article and the comments of the other INFJ’s.

The door slam.. absolutely. I used to think it was weird that I could cut someone out of my life like a light switch. There’s just no coming back from that.
However, for me the person needs to be a habitual defaulter and not to have heeded my warnings about their behaviour or attitude.

With regards to anger I have been able to hold my tongue a little better the older I get. But if you get a tongue lashing from me I do feel bad, but also truly believe you deserved it. The issue is people are often so surprised that this generally serene, empathetic person can just switch on you. Only an INFJ knows that previous bad behaviours have been explained away by the INFJ, but once I come to underdtsnd that you have been taking advantage of my kindness. Woe betide you. The door slam means I am no longer responsible for taking care of you or your feelings. It’s often a hard pill to swallow for the person on the receiving end. But, your regret is too little too late for me

You are most welcome, JayCee, glad you can relate with the article. 🙂 I agree with you. Once an INFJ reaches the Door Slam, we know we did all we could, and there is no point for us keep being there for that person, not matter how hard that may be.

Since introverted people are mostly suppressed and de-value themselves and get irritated by environmental arousals, in most of the time, they are okay to bear with it since this is what they live with all time long. Once there is a tipping point, all these accumulated energies would explode and that is the scary part.

Wow, I totally agree with you Marko.I felt like Hulk when I exploded my rage to my brother because he wasn’t respected my mom. I slammed door some of my closest friends because they insulted my trust. Even if I want to reconnect with them, I can’t feel any emotion to them again. I feel nothing, it’s only coldness. But I think I have one other dark side that is manipulation. Once, when I deeply angered of my ex’s betrayel, I built an “army” that means I used everything and every person of my his weaknesses and manipulated them to against him until they have completely psychologically undermined him. I feel like a tsunami that sweeps everyone and goes away as it eases and leaves severe damage.

Thanks so much Simona! I’m glad you like the article. 🙂 I understand. When INFJs are in a Door Slam mode, we can be really cold, but only because we tried everything in our power to save that relationship. When we reach the DS, we tried everything and don’t want to look back any longer.

When I was younger, I would become so enraged I would have black out spells. I would go from 0 to 100 in nanoseconds and I could never remember what I’d done. I had a difficult childhood and no outlets or any one to talk to. I spent a lot of time either by myself or resolving issues for one of the 5 friends that I had made in my life. I would be so busy fixing things for them, yet, I could never find a solution to my own problems. I had to learn to abate and diffuse my rage. It took some time but it’s been about 15 years since I’ve had a black out spell. I’m more apt to door slam someone, if it’s just about me. I am a psychological assassin when it comes to friends and family. And I spend a great amount of time in prayer and meditation and crafting something to alleviate stress. It’s a day by day process but it’s working.

I very definitely have all three of these. The “door slam” is something I have always been very good at, much to the consternation of those on the receiving end of it. I also protect my loved ones fiercely because I don’t have many, being INFJ and not having the energy to truly connect with many people makes me protect those that I do have. And the anger… yes the anger. I’ve always described myself as having a very long fuse (very long) but once the fuse is gone…. well the recepient will experience the full force of my excellent verbal skills in a piercing tirade followed by the very loud “door slam”. They don’t know what hit them and can’t get through the locked door in front of them. I am not ashamed OR afraid of any of these “dark side” attributes because I believe we possess them to protect ourselves. Let’s face it, most people come to US, the INFJ, to “feel better”, to have a listening ear, to feel protected and loved and because we are the type we are, we give it all we have. Opposingly, not many people know how to return that favor so we are left to protect ourselves. I embrace my uncommonalities because I know this world needs them. Loved your article… thank you!

As I’m reading this and feeling like it resonates, I just want to know what is so wrong with this “dark side”? Who wouldn’t get angry and upset by those who take advantage of others’ kindness or don’t respect your boundaries? I never even thought of anger and rage as “dark”, I can think of plenty of worse things as “dark” (just watching tv shows like Law & Order or whatever is on tv or local news nowadays conjures far more “dark” things to me). I see it more as a defense mechanism for when boundaries have been overrun. As I’m starting to understand myself and why I function the way I do more, especially after stumbling across this site, I’m starting to understand why I’m experiencing all these conflicting feelings. I always thought that kindness & being considerate was how we’re supposed to behave unless I’m stuck in an older era that had different values. Either way, I am wondering what’s so wrong with having rage/anger in this type of circumstance. Why couldn’t we say that those who are inconsiderate or take advantage of others or are bullies are the “wrong” ones? Why is it that the “nice guy” suddenly gets labeled as “scary” and “dark” when he loses his temper? Just wondering, thanks.

There is nothing wrong with having a dark side Jenn, I believe we all have it. The only thing is how we express it, that’s all. It’s always better to express your emotions, but being an INFJ, I always searched for a solution that comes when in a calm state of mind, even if someone upsets us to say the least. Defense mechanism it is, and I always rather withdraw from people who would harm me, than express anger or rage (again, nothing wrong with that), but I guess my INFJ peacemaker trait is just too strong. I fully agree with the boundary setting.

I relate to a lot of these comments.. my dark side is when I am really stressed, my patience evaportates and I can be very ill-tempered. Like to the point of either having a nervous mental breakdown or having that really cold sharp tone with someone that I really care about. This always results in me just being embarrassed over a situation that wasnt worth getting upset about. :/

My girlfriend of nine months texted me three weeks ago telling me she was “dating someone that she doesn’t want to see me anymore I’m sorry.” I wasn’t totally surprised because I could feel her growing distant for the past month. I’m 56 she’s 48. We had been seeing each other about twice a week and I rarely ever spent the night because I felt her bed was uncomfortable, she did spend the night at my place a few times. There were lots of weekends when ice spent working in her yard and repairing things around her house, I power washed and stained her deck which took the entire weekend. She told me only one time that she needed to see me more about four months prior. I was spending all my free time either working or building a house or working on investments so I didn’t spend much time with her. And I explained this to her. She knew what I was doing. She called me almost every day and I would always answer I was always available if she ever asked me to come over, I would drop things and come over. So I’m only eight or nine months together we are still getting to know each other and I would talk to her and ask her questions and I found that she was very quiet person. It never occurred to me that she couldn’t find the words to have a conversation because of the way her brain is wired, I thought she was choosing not to talk with me. I thought she was ACTING in a way she thought was how executive women should act. (she’s an executive). I now realize that I was rude and insensitive in these several instances. Since the break up I’ve done some research on her personality type and I believe she is an introvert. As an introvert her efforts to reach out to me in her mind were enormous, but in my frame of reference with my experience with relationships in the past they were average or common. So I underestimated how much it meant to her to be calling me and asked me although only once, to spend more time with her. To make it worse during our relationship there were times when I was critical of her for not sharing more information with me when she talked I told her it’s like pulling teeth, one time in anger I asked her if she was autistic. About a week prior to me making the pulling teeth comment she told me she doesn’t think she’s the kind of girl I want. I thought she was just being intellectually lazy and choosing not to have more informative conversations with me. (But I never said that to her). I’m heartbroken, and contacted her every other day for about a week and a half after the break up, I even wrote her a long letter explaining that I realize the mistakes I’ve made and I will change. She emailed me in response saying she’s in a relationship so don’t contact her anymore. She wishes me a happy future. We met online so I don’t know when she met this other guy and since I was really hardly with her very much she could’ve been seeing him for a week or a month or longer I don’t know. I’m wondering if she is an introvert and if that changes the way I should have interacted with her. I’m wondering if that is the reason for the lack of her communication with me during the course of the relationship. So maybe she doesn’t feel that we had a strong relationship where I felt we had a good relationship. I responded to her email saying I realize she’s with somebody new and I will Move on. I believe I do have the patience to be in a relationship for her, and I know that I could give more of myself and my time to her, and I could be more romantic because I know she likes romance. But I also know that I have to tell myself to Move On. But in my heart I do hope she comes back and gives me another chance.

Thank you so much for this article. My whole life I have felt like I was different. Even when I was little, everyone called me an “old soul”. I felt like a walking contradiction and it was hard for me to “find my place” anywhere. Honestly, I can’t think of a better way to spend my time with someone than talking and sharing some pretty deep things. Small talk absolutely drains my battery and all I want to do is go home and recharge. I took the MB test a few years ago because I was in a new sales job that literally was crushing my soul. (I was told that I connect well with people so that I would be good in sales). This was an extremely stressful and pressure-filled job. I took the test and turned out to be an INFJ and after reading about the type, almost cried because I finally realized someone actually understood me. It did say “high pressure salesmen INFJs are NOT”. I quit my job the next day and never looked back. Since then, I have learned a lot about myself but was always worried because I am prone to outbursts and can alarm people when I finally blow my fuse. I am very patient and caring and genuinely feel for everyone around me but was worried when I would get these outbursts when I got overstressed or if I spread myself too thin. I love reading these articles because I have never actually met another INFJ before and until I do, it’s nice to know I am not alone.

You are most welcome, Kate. 🙂 I’m glad you found out you’re an INFJ, and that it was such a wonderful revelation to you! I fully understand the feeling of being misunderstood you speak about here, but know that you are not alone. 🙂

I’m a INFJ, this could not be put into better words. I struggle a lot with not being understood and being bullied. On the normal I’m a very reserved person, but when I’m ticked off….look out. You should stay clear of me! It’s best if no one else steps in either as they become target too. I will tear you apart mentally. I will not physically hurt anyone. However when I’m done doing this I feel horrible. Too often I give people the door slam. I’ve done this to my sister and many others. I can’t seem to stop it. I can’t put them back into my life either. Is there a way to stop it? Most of the time people think that I’m very out going and just plain calm all the time. I’m very ambitious when I see that I can do good or improve things. I love helping others, and I can not stress this enough. I get overwhelmed with just a few discouraging words from my classmates. I’m often times a venting point for people. I listen to them trying to think of the best things to tell them. I feel like I fail. When it’s all done and over with I don’t have time to sort my own emotional state out. This is the first time I ever spoke of this sort of thing. I felt soooo alone! Thank you so much Marko!!!

You are not alone Shelly, and I thank you for sharing this. All of these are classical traits of an INFJ, and you are not failing by allowing people to vent, and to open up to you. Just remember to establish a healthy boundary, so that you can protect and safeguard yourself you earned that right. A no can also mean yes to yourself. I’m sorry you experienced this, since I understand you all too well with the misunderstanding and bullying part. But know that you’re not alone, and you are great, just the way you are. 🙂 A small reminder, there is nothing wrong with you, there never was. You are most welcome! 🙂

Wow! Love your article. I have been bullied and made fun of most of my life including my own mother, who is a narcissist. I refuse to participate in any kind of behavior that is intended to hurt or make anyone feel less than they are. I always help when I can and never ask or expect anything in return. When left with no other choice I will door slam without hesitation. I have always been scared of my rage which I control now more than when I was young. I find it almost soul destroying when I let anyone close to myself and my family turns on me and attacks all of the things I am proud of myself for. This is when I will door slam the second I am made to doubt my worth from someone else’s opinions. The rage comes the second anyone tries to make my children less than they’re worth. They say he’ll hath no fury doesn’t even come close. I will never be violent but they will understand how fierce I am. Sorry about the rambling I am only starting to explore who I am and just coming out the other side of a doubting myself experience. The whole article just got my fire burning bright instead of smoldering. Thank you for sharing and showing me that I’m not broken, crazy, overly sensitive I’m INFJ 💕 x

I understand you all too well Leeanne. I’m sorry you had to go through this… No need to apologize, thank you for your kind words, and for sharing this. You are so welcome! There is nothing wrong with you, there never was. 🙂

“INFJ dark side takes over are extremely rare” it’s true I guess, but at some point sometimes I really want to get angry and let the emotion go. Other people find tip and trick how to manage or to hold on their anger, for me it’s the opposite, I really wish that I can get angry anytime I found thing hurt me. Not just slamming door….in my heart -__- sometimes people just don’t realize if I’m angry with them. But, yes, I always thought that someday, maybe, I’m going to be explode because of these emotions. This thing makes me very frustrated. Not only about anger, loneliness too, sometime I feel very lonely even though I have friends near, but I smile and laugh just like nothing happened, I feel so fake and empty.
When I took the tests and found out (again and again) that I’m INFJ, it was in between relieves (that I’m not crazy) but then also worry, right at the fact they say that this type of personality is the rarest one…like..yea I’m not crazy, I’m just weird and minority, they don’t have many object to be found to be observed 😀
I’m so sorry, I’m on my low condition now.
Also, sorry for my maybe weird English 😀

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this, Nom! Don;t worry, your English is great! I hear you regarding anger. Just remember that you have a kind heart, and that it’s okay to be angry, there’s nothing wrong with that, but to also to express it in a healthy way. 🙂

The INFJ door slam? That is the best description of it that I have come across. I’m going to share it with a friend who I recently had been trying to explain how sometimes you just cut people out. They didn’t understand how one could just do that, and I realized at that moment that perhaps other people don’t have this experience, LOL.

I also get the rage and defensiveness thing. To me, the real dark side of INFJ lies in our empathic ability and our ability to observe and figure things out. In the rare occasions that I get really angry, I don’t just want to win an argument. I can see and feel all of the most personal ways to really hurt the other person, to leave a lasting wound, to break part of them on the inside.

The ugly shadow of INFJ isn’t in just seeing how to do it, it’s that I debate with my rationality in those moments of emotional intensity (my rationality telling me that I’m emotionally escalated and so probably shouldn’t make any decisions about such things as hurting someone else emotionally right now, because how will I feel later about it?). It’s that in those moments, I want to do it – I can feel a superficial justification and just for once I want to give in and not be the one who takes the jabs from other people.

But, I never follow through on it. I’ve learned to be better about expressing my feelings, as simply stating them often dissipates them (for example, I’ve told people before that I’m feeling really strong feelings of anger despite my calmish outward demeanor, that I don’t particularly want to be having those feelings, and that I’m going to go and walk around for awhile and come back in 10 minutes).

Thank you muchly for this article. My dark side I’ve been working on a lot over the years. I’ve managed to tame it but when my deeply held value system is crossed, the gloves come off. I can be so cold and callous it’s scared me to think that I have this ability. Usually I have the patience bif a saint and am more than forgiving and lord knows I’ve forgiven a lot with people who have used me and taken me for granted, all through these experiences I mostly keep everything in check. but once all that’s been eroded, my inner daemon come out to play first with the door slam which is and of itself a monster not to be trifled with.i’ve door slammed a lot of people over the years, not an excuse but an explanation. Add cold silence and callousness to it and it’s one hell of a scary beast indeed. Still working on positive conflict resolution but it’s still a work in progress but this article gives some further understanding of how we Infjs work. Thank you again.

Hi, thanks for the article. I can relate to every point on your list. I’m also scared of my short temper, I think it’s like you said, or was it someone else here, most INFJ’s have been bullied at some stage. So it seems that we have created this dark side; this Incredible Hulk/Warrior to help us stand up for ourselves, and this Warrior also wants to help others… but sometimes we cross a line into this dark world where we’re only worried about ourselves, our voice, our independence, and we forget that we love others and want to help them, and that’s when our fuses get too short and we get annoyed and angry about small things. That’s when I lose focus of the big picture and become nitpicky, and it’s incredibly difficult to get out of that rut once I’m there. I’m not sure if this is something only I do or other INFJ’s do too, but when I’m in that place I tend to isolate myself from others, I get depressed and procrastinate. It’s an evil place, I create my own gloomy dark place and I can even wilfully tend and care for that evil place, choosing to focus on all the bad instead of the good, choosing to feel isolated and depressed. I’m rambling now, and my thoughts are probably not coherent, but yeah, this INFJ definitely has a dark side.

The article is right on point . I was angry for the first time, today in a very long time. My Mum kept pushing my buttons and belittling me and I lost it. This is not the first time. I obviously couldn’t shout at her, so I was quiet at first and just started crying. I really don’t ever want to get to thus state again😔😔

Thank you very much for this article, now I fully undertand what exactly happened to me a year ago and the reason why I can’t forgive the only person who hurted me so badly. That person used to be a friend of mine before, we made many personal talk as an attempt to make reconciliation, I even said the word “I forgive you” but I know deep inside, there is something which hurts my feelings and doesn’t accept what is happening…until one day, I started to ignore that person like she never exists, that is the time I felt peace in myself…is there any chance or record which shows that an INFJ overcome the “Door Slam Coldness” dark side toward someone? Many thanks

I’m sorry you had to go through this, Ron. An INFJ can overcome a Door Slam, but it’s really difficult. Usually, the person who hurt us has to make a lot of effort for us to even consider that. It is possible, but that person needs to understand that we don’t have t go out of our way, because before the DS, we did everything we good to save that connection, so they have to try now, but it will not be easy.

It’s a great topic that you brought up and I couldn’t relate more well. I have a habit of thinking about all the possible outcomes that can happen in a given situation. One of them was what if my family gets hurt or what if someone says ill words to my friend. I don’t have any best friend. Only one good friend and I do not make more coz I know how valuable friendships are. And I would like to keep them real. Not only words. Thinking about those situations extreme anger overtakes me and I do not understand the source of it. When I think about it I realise how badly I can fight for them. Without thinking twice. It’s natural. Sometimes it scares me. But those are rare times. It has happened once or twice. And over the years I have gained control over it coz I don’t think the person will be able to stand such wrath. I just think about the source of this anger. After much thinking, I realised maybe because i didn’t wanted someone doing harm or unfairness to someone. I simply wouldn’t allow. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because these things have happened to me. And wouldn’t want the other to suffer the same. Anyways, great article. Thank you for writing.😊

The side(of INFJ’s) nobody typically talks about… love it! I used to be IN LOVE with this girl during late high school, early-post high school. I actually shut the door twice on her, in both moments, but because she was bi-polar and we had such great chemistry, I wanted to help her mental side and our sense of humor was unmatchable towards anybody else. The thing that caused me to shut the door, both times, is that she’d tell me how much she liked me, but would be with somebody else or only pretended like we were dating. I honestly think she wanted to be with me, but was protecting me in a weird way because she knew my genuine niceness wouldn’t deal with her in the long run. The last time I spoke to her was about 7 years ago. She’s tried reaching out to me at least twice since then, but I’ve kept a tight grip on that handle since because the emotional pain she caused hurt more than anything and is probably why I’m single today, at the age of 30, but now that I know my personality type I think I’ll find someone soon that appreciates my uniqueness.