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I Wanna Hold Your Hand

“I’ve just seen a face I can’t forget the time or place where we just met she’s just the girl for and I want all the world to see we’ve met. mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm” – The Beatles

My favorite Beatles song indeed. I dream about someone singing that about me one day. When that will happen I will never know, but until then I’ll sing it terribly to myself in the shower. Now, because this is supposed to be a blog about honesty (in the most part) and truth, I am going to be exactly that. I’ve never had a partner in love. I’ve never been in love (a heck of a lot of crushes, but that doesn’t count). I’ve never had my “first kiss”, while I’ve been kissed before, it wasn’t in the way of falling for each other. It was sloppy and normally followed the laws of alcohol and didn’t always end up on a man (long story short, I’ve kissed a few women when I was drunk, but those stories are for way later down the road when you get to know me better).

I’ve used probably all of the dating sites, excluding specific sites (ChristianMingle, JDate, LDSMingle, etc for obvious reasons that I do not celebrate any religion in my own life. I do support anyone and would fall in love with a religious person, but now we are getting off track), but I am having no luck at all. I mean, there are plenty of good looking and intelligent men out there, but I can’t seem to go anywhere with that. I’m scared. Not to go on a date with people, but I’m scared to be in a relationship. I don’t know what that type of love and attraction feels like. I’m scared to let men know the real me because let’s face it, I’m a bit crazy at most times. Sometimes people can be a little judgmental with strong personalities.

I don’t want to end up more broken then I already am.

I push things too far sometimes, and I know that. I mean if I have a crush on someone, I push and push and push until suddenly, they don’t like me anymore. Sorry.

I’m afraid of not being loved back. Putting all of my heart on the line and having it thrown back into my face. Which is probably going to happen a few times when I do jump into the deep end anyways. And what is this friend zone shit? As soon as I meet a guy and become friends with them, I’m automatically in the friend zone? I’m not allowed to be anything else? Relationships happen even after being a friend. Wait! Being a friend is a relationship! Damn it internet and your tasteless rules.

Then there’s this stupid new trend “Tinder”. What is the point of swiping left or right and getting nothing out of it. You get sex? Why is that okay with society? If you find love out of that you are a very small statistic. Tinder makes me uncomfortable. Getting a bunch of messages a day all starting with “hey wanna bang?” ~No, no I don’t.

Anyways enough of my ranting.

I want to know what it feels like to have my heart stolen. I want to live a fairytale whether they exist in your world, or they don’t. I want to be in love, and I want to be loved back. I want to live in the sun and exist.