Old Mexican Legend

I’d like to just sit here today and write about what is, I
guess, the major reason that “I AM THAT I AM”, as to Who and What I am today,
and that one thing is what has been called, in psychological ‘lingo’,
burn-out.Oh, Yes, in a (w)holistic
sense, one might say that it has taken much more than just one thing in a
person’s Life, to effect or cause their downfall or ‘burn-out’, or whatever
else one’s Life might be.That I do
acknowledge all of those other experiences as well, the usual and ordinary (for
me) experiences ofchildhood, early
adulthood, and on into the senior citizen category that I wear now.Experiences of parents, relatives, friends,
coworkers, associates … (Whoops, can’t leave out spouses or children!) … in
whatever ways that people, family, jobs, career, economics, religion and
Spirit, and much more, have impelled one to where one is now.I must say, in all Gratitude, it has, with
all of its ups and downs, been a Great Life, and I Thank the ‘Guy Upstairs’, as
I might call Him, for ‘Being There’ and for providing all that has been
wonderful in my Life.(And for those
who might be reading this and who might be thinking, “Oh, oh, he’s writing his
epitaph!” … No, not yet!)So, such has
been my Life, but in this essay I am going to try to concentrate on the here
and now, and specifically my ‘bane’, affliction and gift – that of ‘burn-out’.

Now, first of all, I was going to
start getting into my ‘history’ and the various categories of burn-out, but I
guess I had better address one important aspect of it first, and that is its
definition.Whatever the DSM-IV Handbook
or the dictionaries, encyclopedias or whatever might say, this is what it is
for me.Generally, overall, it is a
state of having had enough of whatever it is that one might currently be
involved in or with, such as job, career, spouse, family, city, town, and so
on.You just don’t want to experience
the same everyday banality or tedium anymore … that ‘being stuck’ feeling!

There is also a second form of
this personal definition, and that is the feeling that one has also had enough
of man’s suffering, animosities, depredations, degradations, deprivations and
anything else that might be classified as ‘man’s inhumanities-to-man’.In both of these definitional forms, you
might say that I can certainly identify with the mad TV-anchorman-hero of the
classic Hollywood movie, “Network”, who tells his TV listeners to “Get up!Get out of your chairs, and go to the
window!Throw open the window and lean
out, yelling into the night air – ‘I’ve HAD IT!I’ve HAD IT!I’m not
going to take it anymore!’”Such is
burn-out.

Now I’m going to get to the
personal aspects, and I’ll try to be brief about the historical parts, because
that is not really what I want to talk about.I can honestly say that I’ve ‘burnt-out’ any number of times in my Life
already, usually, in the earlier years, having to do with job and career.

My first burn-out was in
Electronics and Telecommunications, after an illustrious career of almost 30
years, working with famous companies, agencies and people, such as NASA, GTE,
Harris, and Chuck Yeager, on worldwide telecommunications projects and systems
that, in some way, shape or form, made history – the Apollo moon-landing; the
X-15 project; Diablo Canyon Nuclear Power Plant; Bonneville Dam Power Plant;
the first (earth satellite) ‘Earth Station’ (telecommunications relay site), for:Beijing, China, Bangaladesh, India,
Pakistan, and more;and the first U.S.
Power-Relay-Grid-Control-System (for power-companygrid interconnect); telecommunications systems for Exxon,
A.T.&T., Bell, and many smaller Telephone companies worldwide; topping it
all with two very important and responsible career involvements (in addition to
NASA);first, with the U.S. Air Force’s
Secret Service (USAFSS), Top Secret responsibility for the nuclear
command-control system operated by the President of the United States.With what is affectionately called ‘the
Football’ (Telecommunications-Control briefcase), if the President had elected
to ‘push the red button’ for Nuclear Armageddon between the Super Powers, the
U.S. and the Soviet Union – it was my equipment, my system, that had better
damn-well work, or ‘my ass was grass’ (along with 17 other people worldwide who
were responsible for operation of the system);the second was with GTE-Lenkurt Electric, where, as a Systems
Engineer/Analyst, I was part of the Development Team that built (manufactured)
the first SPRINT Telephone system.In
those days (the ‘60’s), it was Southern Pacific Telecommunications SPRINT and
used microwave-relay-sites across the country, but later it was renamed
USSPRINT, using earth satellites and earth-relay stations.

Along the way, as the holder of
not only the highest Commercial FCC Telecommunications License issued by the
U.S. Government, but also the holder of a most prestigious Amateur FCC License
(commonly known as ‘Ham Radio’), I had the honor (and pleasure) of talking
‘round-the-world’ as well as ‘Pole-to-Pole’ via Ham Radio:North Pole (KL7FDB, Adak, Alaska); South
Pole (KC4USB, McMurdo Sound, Antarctica); EL4B, President Tubman of Liberia;
K3UIG, U.S. Senator Barry Goldwater; Comedian Jerry Lewis; Comedian/Radio Host
Arthur Godfrey (the old Red-Head); General Curtis LeMay (Commander of the
Strategic Air Commend); Captain Kurt Karlsen, of the U.S.S. Enterprise, the
commercial passenger-liner that sank in the Atlantic Ocean in the ‘50’s (next
in history only to the Titanic); the famous U.S.S. Thresher, the first nuclear
submarine, which was ‘lost’ under the Arctic Ice Cap in the ‘60’s; even the
Soviet Union’s KGB outpost on Franz Josef Land (the Arctic Circle island north
of Siberia); as well as many ordinary folks around the world who were also ham
radio operators!

But, in the ‘70’s, after almost
30 years of being ‘on top of the world’ (in many respects), I ‘burned-out’ in
electronic and telecommunications, wanting nothing more to do with
responsibilities for the technical-‘mechanical’-operation of such
highly-advanced systems and operations.Actually, today, I do now, again, ‘communicate’ worldwide, but only as a
‘user-operator’, of the worldwide Internet telecommunications-computer-network
(which uses – Hey! – my SPRINT system, as well as others, to ‘create’ the
Internet!), by which I have myself created and now operate one of the most
popular Christian and scientific-philosophical websites on the Internet,
presently listed in the TOP 1% of worldwide websites, as well as being
voter-ranked in the TOP 100 websites across Europe!It is sort of like owning your own TV station, Radio station and
Newspaper, and I do enjoy it, as well as receiving the E-mail comments,
congratulations and awards from around the world.

Actually, another reason that I
‘burned-out’ at that time, was that my priorities and perspectives were
changing.By then I had gotten married
(and divorced!) and was also involved in my next career field – International
Finance and Real Estate.Graduating
from Greene International University of Real Estate and Finance in the late
‘70’s, and parting from Telecommunications, I had already started my own
financial firm.Over the next few years
I started another financial firm as well as a real estate investment firm.But finally, in 1982, after 7 years in the
financial fields (and making a top annual income of over $735,000), I
‘burned-out’ again.This time it was by
way of bankruptcy, both personal and professional.I lost everything, all my assets and possessions (over the
immediately following years) and was, for all practical purposes, now broke and
homeless.(I ‘gave away’ my over
$400,000 home in the Belmont Hills, to the 4th mortgage holder, for
the sum of $1.00, and I never even got the dollar!)So, having been ‘on the top’, I was now on the bottom!

I lived in my car for several
years and worked at odd jobs (including for U.S.SPRINT, the very system I had
built in the first place, but since I was no longer in telecommunications, this
time it was only as an administrative ‘nobody’).And thus started my 20 year period of being an unemployed,
homeless ‘nobody’, as well as not having one penny of income for almost that
entire time of 20 years, which, incidentally, continues, to a certain extent,
today, in that I have just recently started receiving official disability
benefits, in a small amount, for multiple physical afflictions of the body to
which I am subject today as a combined result of years of homelessness – and no
money – and no medical care, as well as the fact of just ‘getting old’.But hey, I’m still alive and kickin’, no
matter how old I might feel, and I do Thank the Man Upstairs for that, and for
all that he does yet enable me to somehow do, with no money and almost no
resources, to “Do Unto Others …”, in some way, shape or form, who are yet
‘laboring’ under the ‘System’ and Lucifer’s influences upon us all!

Incidentally, speaking of
‘getting old’, I just happened to see Shirley MacLaineand Jack Nicholson in “Terms of Endearment”
the other day, and I couldn’t believe the ages that they were purported to be
in that movie.Shirley and Jack both
said they were about 50 years old!Well, if they were ‘50 years old’ … Well then, I must only be 30 years old,
instead of almost 63!Because to me,
these ’50 year olds’ ‘shure’ looked like they were at least 80 years old!I dunno.I guess folks say I look younger than I am – even that I look exactly
like Jerry Garcia, with the beard – but I ‘shure’ do enjoy those young ‘gals’
who feel the need to be ‘feeling their fingers’ around in my beard!

Anyway, to get on here with this
essay, in January of 1984 I moved into a small room in the home of an elderly
gentleman in San Mateo who, due to a mental deficiency, needed occasional help
to do things around his home.And such
was my version of ‘Being There’ (the famous Peter Sellers comedy movie), as
needed, which left me yet homeless but at least with a room and bed to sleep
in, so I now had time to find my own way during most of the daylight hours (and
nights as well, since Robert, the elderly gentleman, retired to his bed soon
after 6 PM).

In 1982, while living in my car
on the highways of the Bay Area, I was ‘re-commissioned’ by the Ancient Order
of Christ, the OA/OWB, in effect resuming the ancient Ordination and
Consecration of my Soul, that had been ‘vested’ unto me millennia ago and which
I now honor and so live to this day.After 1984, having the time available, I pursued further non-secular
studies with the OA/OWB at the Freedom, Independence & World Democracy
(FIWD) Institute, in London, England of the OA/OWB’s dimensionality, which, in
some respects, was the ‘graduate’ extension of my earlier secular
under-graduate studies of the 70’s at a number of Bay Area graduate
institutions (my two Graduate degrees, from the Ancient Order, in Theology and
Physics, had already been re-affirmed and Consecrated by the Order in 1982,
although neither was accredited in secularity, only in non-secularity).So, in the 70’s, I was only able to qualify
for under-graduate studies at the several secular schools that I attended (my
Graduate diploma in Finance from Greene University did not ‘carry’ into the
Humanities), such as CITP, the California Institute for Transpersonal Psychology,
but those studies in Jungian Psychology and other fields helped to broaden my
perspectives beyond engineering, finance, theology and physics.So it was that I became more knowledgeable
and aware of a more overall functionality, operation and existence of human
society, civilization and history, as well as of mankind’s place and
responsibilities in the Universe and the Cosmos (which can be called ‘the Big
Picture’).

As such you might say that I
‘burned-out’ on a few more aspects of Life, as a consequence of such education
and awareness.I said at the beginning
of this essay that there was also a second form of ‘burn-out’, that of
‘burning-out’ on such things as the sufferings of mankind and the many ‘inhumanities-to-man’
that man does inflict upon him/herself.Of course, this was a result of my increased awareness of such things,
as a person who was now in contact with one’s Soul, and thusly in access to
incorporeality and all beyond mere corporeality.So, the further result, in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s of this
‘lifetime’ of secular existence, was not only a few more ‘burn-outs’, but also
the beginnings of the research studies and writings that have been the
‘capstone’ of my Life over the last 20 years.So this is where I also consider ‘burn-out’ to be a ‘gift’, in that it
has enabled me to pursue my Life’s ‘Work’ and to become that which I am.

However, what this means, as to
‘burn-out’, is that what I now need to address, in relation to Who and What I
presently am and my present existential situation, is how that ‘burn-out’
affects me, in the here-and-now, as to what I might experience (having the
free-will to choose) and what I do not wish to experience, what I might
‘celebrate’ and what I might ‘condemn’, in the Name of Christ and the sensibility
of the human Spirit.

And in this I will be getting
down to the ‘nitty-gritty’, as to the existentials of my Life.But such shall be necessary in order to
relate ‘burn-out’ to that which I am now.To put the following in a context, relative to ‘burn-out’ (and this is
part of the ‘knowing’, understanding, of oneself and one’s Soul, that enables
one to be ‘I AM THAT I AM’), let me relate a personal ‘awareness’ of myself, as
such has been ‘shown’ to me in dreams.Now, even though I nominally put little stock in dreams nowadays, I
have, as part of my graduate studies, learned certain ‘fundamentals’ of the
dream ‘sequence’.Such that, in dreams,
a ‘structure’, a building of some sort, is always the ‘representation’ of the
self, the body, ‘you’!Thusly the dream
that I once had, was of this gigantic warehouse, which was so large that one
could not see from one end to the other inside of it.And just as well, because one could see nothing anyway.It was all BLACKENED and ‘burnt-out’!THAT was myself, ‘burnt-out’, on what I once
upon a time had been or was concerned about!However, THERE, in the midst of all that ‘blackness’ of myself, was a
‘pinpoint of Light’.And that immensely-small
‘pinpoint of Light’, was, however, SO BRIGHT and INTENSE, that one could NOT
EVEN LOOK AT IT!And guess what?THAT was my Soul!Shining bright, within the ‘blackness’ of my Life, and
‘connecting’ me to God, to Christ, to the Holy Spirit, of which myself, I, my
Soul, IS A PART THEREOF, as well as to the Collective Consciousness of
Humanity, and all of the other wonders of the Cosmos, which are accessible
within ANYONE’S Mind, via their Soul!

To get back to ‘burn-out’, this
Spiritual ‘awareness’ of Who and What I was, and my direct ‘connection’ to God
(as I have noted on my website, among other ‘privileges’, I have even had the
Honor of shaking His Hand!), has, in the here-and-now, revised and
re-structured completely, my personal ‘attributes’ and character, as well as my
personal preferences for ‘exposure’ experiences to and with human society,
culture, education, history, ethics and so much more.To try to explain this ‘sensitivity’ to the ‘realities’, or
pseudo-realities, of Life, let me put it into the context of at least one form
of media – education and entertainment, as such do so impact one’s character,
feelings, emotions and Spiritual (Soul) ‘understanding’ – one’s KNOWING – of
that which IS – the basics, the fundamentals, of Life and Existence.What this means is that I have again
‘burnt-out’, as I have said, on man’s ‘inhumanities-to-man’ – ANY DEED
whatsoever, that relates IN ANY WAY, to Lucifer’s ‘evils’, that he has foisted,
or influenced, upon mankind!(In this
regard, years later, after my experience of being responsible for the
President’s nuclear-war telecommunication system, you might say that I am
‘burned-out’ again, just realizing that I was once a part of a system and
responsibility that could have resulted in the nuclear annihilation of
mankind!)

Of course, such KNOWING comes
from understanding the SCIENTIFIC ‘basics’, fundamentals, of Life and
Existence, INCLUDING KNOWING God AND Lucifer (as explained factually and
scientifically).The result of this is
that I DO NOT WISH TO EXPERIENCE the ‘evils’ that I can now see all around
me.I WISH TO REMAIN POSITIVE, and to
NOT be ‘influenced’, or even exposed, TO EVIL!(With such sensitivity, of course, I cannot help but cry, as I feel the
sorrow and the pain, of whatever ‘inhumanity’ man might do, or have done, to man,
just as, in Positivity, I do feel the JOY, the LOVE, the HAPPINESS, and more,
of the human condition.)In other
words, I wish to CELEBRATE (in tears, if so), the Positivity of humanity, BUT …
I DO CONDEMN, nor wish to experience, the Negativity of Lucifer, AS ENACTED
through humanity!

And, as I said, in relation to
education and entertainment (as the epitome of daily REALITY), what this means
is that I am VERY SENSITIVE to those EVILS, in daily life, which are
‘promoted’, depicted, or shown, IN THE MEDIA, via TV, video, newspaper,
magazine, and even via the Internet!Of
course, the personal ‘criteria’ for this, just as it also might be for anyone
else, IS MY SCIENTIFIC, and FACTUAL, KNOWING of the TRUTHS, of human reality
and existence.(And I am not herein
‘belaboring’ the fact that I have a Doctorate in Reality!)Such as, that I DO KNOW, that ANY, and
EVERY, form of human COMPETITION is, as Christ has said and as modern science
has proven … EVIL!

Thusly, to make an example of
such kind of media that I DO NOT wish to expose myself to, someone asked me the
other day if I wanted to watch a TV movie that the person also said was ‘real
good’, because the story exposed the anti-Semitism and ‘skin-head’ bigotry of
certain people in a Mid-Western town and how such did affect the town’s Jews.Well, I DID NOT want to watch such an
‘enactment’ OF EVIL (Yes, I would have cried!), such a ‘presentation’ of evil,
for the mere sake of education and entertainment.

So, I will NOT watch media that
depicts man’s ‘inhumanities-to-man’, EXCEPT IN THE CONTEXT OF THE BATTLE OF
GOOD AGAINST EVIL!I WILL WATCH
anything in which GOOD, Positivity, Righteousness, God and man, IS FIGHTING
EVIL!Now, even though this might
include some war-situations, I limit myself in such Positive criteria for doing
so.

Getting back to the media, and
specifically TV, here is what I will NOT watch on TV:since ALL COMPETITION IS EVIL, I will not see sports of any kind
(except as to a ‘ceremony’, as the Opening Ceremony for the Olympics, even
though it is ‘promoting’ a Negativity); NO ‘game’ shows (I absolutely hate
“Jeopardy” and “Wheel of Fortune”, even though I myself, as well as many other
good folks, might occasionally watch these shows, their COMPETITION is still
EVIL, and it is NOT human COOPERATION, but merely entertainment FOR MONEY – and
that’s another EVIL that I am not even going to get into herein this essay!);
NO “Cops”, “America’s Most Wanted”, or police shows (EVIL!); NO ‘justice’, or
judgement shows, such as “Law and Order”, “LA Confidential”, “JAG”, or even
“Judge Judy” (EVIL, even though I do occasionally see such as “JAG”!); NO
‘violence’-shows of any kind, EXCEPT where the ‘violence’ might be
Positively-redeeming with respect to family, love, happiness, etc.; NO
homosexual, ‘macho’, tough-guy shows (again EVIL!); NO comedies (EVIL taking
‘advantage’ of others, in words or deeds, no matter how much many folks might
enjoy comedy); and I have ‘reservations’ about many other ‘cultural’ things,
including many of the ‘classics’, or Westerns (John Wayne, Clint Eastwood), or
other such Hollywood ‘fare’.I WILL
watch adventure, sci-fi, and other ‘true-story’, reality-based, movies, WHERE
GOOD IS FIGHTING EVIL!In this respect,
having been in the Transitions Shelter since September 11th, 2001, I
HAVE YET TO WATCH ANYTHING that I would have wanted to watch on the TV
myself!Only ONCE did I put on a
program that I wanted to see (GOOD fighting EVIL!), “Buffy, the Vampire
Slayer”, and because of the ridiculous and stupid ‘remarks’ of other viewers
(not understanding at all what the show is about), I never have put it on
again.(In itself, an example of EVIL
‘suppressing’, or subduing, the viewing of something GOOD!)In fact, when I do inevitably sit down to
watch something that someone else in the community has selected on the TV or
video, it usually winds up having some evil or violence in it anyway.But, that is the ‘hazards’ of living with
other people and when you accept and respect an individual as Whoever they
‘are’, at Wherever they might ‘be’ in their Life at that time … Well, sometimes
one has to just overlook personal ‘evils’ and decide to, personally, either
accept that person ‘as IS’, or else just walk away!

So, to end this essay on
‘burn-out’, I will say that I WILL AVOID ANY EVIL to which I might be exposed
(INCLUDING EVIL people!), just as I will also CELEBRATE any GOOD which is
engaged in the battle against evil.I
hope this might be all of humanity and that some day Lucifer can be
‘overthrown’ BY SCIENTIFIC KNOWING, and that a Positive human society, a Utopia
of humanity, can come to BE, in fulfillment of mankind’s DESTINY – that which
all of us have been ‘BORN TO DO’ – to be the ‘instrument’ which finally
eliminates that Cosmic ‘Duality’ of God versus Lucifer, Good versus Evil, and
does restore wholeness and Oneness once again to the Cosmos!THEN, my ‘burn-outs’, and my Works, and my
Life, will have been worth it!