Welcome to the world of an Asshole. Sit down and enjoy my inner thoughts. 22 years strong, my mental is beyond the average.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Depths Of Me

I could break down and tell you exactly how you make me feel, what you do to me, and how I wish things could be.But apart of me won't let me fall, won't let me put myself in a situation that I can't get myself out of, won't let me expose all the things I feel you already see; the depths of me.

I lay awake almost every night with thoughts of the past & present with different versions of the future & somehow you tend to appear in each one.Although I want more than you can possibly give me right now, I'm willing to settle (something I normally would never consider) willing to settle just being in your life as a close friend, distant associate even.

I've avoided writing these feelings, thoughts and emotions for sometime because writing them would mean that they're true. That I've let myself get to a place I've been running from. A place that I can't on the worst day pull myself away from.

But since I'm here might as well continue falling. I know there's a difference between love and being in love & I know for certain I'm not in love, but I catch myself from time to time thinking and saying "I love you" "I love this woman". Those wonderful, smiling ear to ear, so beautiful I wish I could record & play back whenever times get tough moments. The times where I wish I could be right next to you.

I'm unsure what my next move is, I've battled myself (my heart & mind) several times about just letting go & moving on or staying grounded and holding on. I suppose I could make this decision if I knew what was really going on. If I go by what you've been telling me then forever ill remain, but if I go by what I've been seeing lately then never will I come back again.

I want to say its my own fault, I got myself here. I should get myself out. What does it mean if you know you're drowning & you have what's necessary to save yourself, but you rather drown?