Of Dopey, Sneezy and Greasy

Michael P. Ackley has worked more than three decades as a journalist, the majority of that time at the Sacramento Union. His experience includes reporting, editing and writing commentary. He retired from teaching journalism for California State University at Hayward.

Replies were limited to our call a couple of weeks ago to match current, Democratic Party candidates for president with the “nine dwarves” – Disney’s original Happy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Bashful, Dopey and Doc, plus Nasty and Greasy.

We attribute the scant response to our rule forbidding that all be called Dopey. Truly, you could make a case for brain cloning with this bunch.

Conversely, it would be difficult to call any of them Happy, as they are competing for the right to lose.

Nevertheless, there was near consensus that Carol Moseley Braun should be Nasty and with Dennis Kucinich nabbing Bashful. (Actually, it’s impossible for anybody to be both bashful and a politician, but somebody had to have this title.)

As for the rest: John Kerry gets to be Grumpy, though Howard Bashford went way off the reservation and dubbed him “Lurch.” Perhaps you can explain this.

Dick Gephardt nails down Sneezy, and come to think of it, he does look like a guy perpetually trying to suppress a nasal explosion.

John Edwards and Al Sharpton contended for Greasy, and the nod must go to Sharpton, if only because of his hair.

Joseph Lieberman merits the title Sleepy for a couple of reasons. First, he looks the part; second, he earns it with his soporific oratorical style.

And has anybody else noticed that Lieberman’s delivery is unnervingly like that of actor Max Wright, who played Willie Tanner in the TV sitcom “ALF”?

Howard Dean gets to be Doc, which leaves Edwards and Bob Graham to wrestle over Happy and Dopey.

This is a very tough call, as the dopiness rolls off both of them in subsonic waves. However, Graham seems more blissfully fatuous, so he gets Happy.

Edwards, who consistently shows that people of little discernment may aspire to high office, gets Dopey.

Back to the Rev. Al: Nobody could explain adequately why this clown is taken seriously, though Lawrence McLeroy took a manful stab at it, suggesting it was Sharpton’s skill at disguising truth with symbolism.

This skill is common among politicians, so by itself it can’t explain why other Democrats are willing to sit at the same table with Sharpton – or why the party dragged Moseley Braun into the race to dilute his influence.

We’re still accepting theories on this one.

More than a coincidence? First a poll alleges Americans rate Bill Clinton a great president. Then Clinton suggests a constitutional amendment that would allow him to run for president again.

Thus the former chief executive continues to prove one need not be dead to be a haunting presence. Pity the Democratic Party if it can’t find a way to shut him up.

Interestingly, Clinton’s pronouncement on presidential terms puts him in the same school of thought as Ronald Reagan.

Anyway, the implication of Clinton’s suggestion is that anything beneath the nation’s top job would be a waste of his vast talent and experience.

The fact is, many former presidents have proved useful in other roles, some merely by serving as examples of dignity and morality.