Ask a Douche Bag with Dane Cook

Q: Hey Dane, I’m a D-list movie star just like you. I’ve starred in a number of straight to VHS movies and had some non-speaking roles in a few Movie the Week specials–again, just like your early days in Hollywood when you were a no-name, open mic night only comic. But, unlike you, I haven’t been able to get a speaking role in a box office disaster. Seeing as how no one thinks you can act or are remotely funny, how’d you do it? Is the Harvey Weinstein story true?

-Wanna be

A: Goddammit, for the last time I did not toss Harvey Weinstein’s salad. I only jerked him off. Also, I’m now officially a B-list star. And, for the record, a few people have laughed at my jokes over the years. Although if I’m being totally honest here, the only jokes I ever told that people laughed at were jokes I stole from other comedians. Which, ironically, is how I got bumped up to B-list status. A bunch of big shot comedians went to the studio bosses and begged them to put me in a movie so I would stop doing stand up and ruining their jokes. So there you have it. To make the jump from D- to B-list you’ve got to toss Weinstein’s salad, I mean tug him off. That, or steal jokes.