Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Paris Agreement has been signed by 195 countries and says that the world will limit temperature rise through a process of decarbonizing the economies of the world; the ceiling will be a two-degree (Celsius, because the Agreement was written mostly by foreigners) increase in temperature.

The industrialized nations of the world will help the poor countries, such as the Maldives, which we may or may not have sunk.

All smog and carbon factories will be closed immediately.

I don’t even know why they were built in the first place, to be honest.

Internal combustion engine vehicles will be banned by 2030, and sports cars will be a thing of the past, unless you have an uncle with a country place that no one knows about; he says it used to be a farm before the Motor Laws.

If you don’t recycle, someone drags you onto your front lawn and slaps you silly in front of the neighbors.

To aid the oceans, there will be foreign aid to help countries go from “dumping the doody directly into the ocean” to the more ecological “anything other than that.”

The phrase “carbon-neutral” does not appear in the final language of the Agreement, but only because Switzerland threw a fit and was all, “We’re neutral. Being neutral is our thing.”

Dishwashers will now come with sensors that know if you’re running them half-full, and they will alert the proper authorities and you will be noted as being uncooperative.

Restaurants no longer allowed to use styrofoam as fuel for barbecue fires.

Anyone caught carving their initials into a tree will be shot on sight.

Upgrades in national transit will be subsidized for high-speed, high-volume trains which work wonderfully in every country that isn’t as stupidly large as America.

From now on, if you want to burn old tires, you have to do it indoors.

Alternate means to extract oil from shale will be explored, or at least a new name will be found other than “fracking” such as “Hugging Mother Earth ’til She Squirts.”

A committee has been funded to study so-called “Hail Mary” ideas for dealing with the rising temperature, such as: giant space umbrella; trying to suck up the carbon in the atmosphere via some sort of chemical process that would almost certainly kill us all; millions of hamsters in millions of wheels hooked to millions of turbines; breeding massive super-potatoes and making batteries out of them; getting Earth a cool and refreshing beverage; what if we Matrix-ed some people?

Companies in developing nations will be encouraged to build energy-efficient factories through government subsidies, which can be applied to the bribes one must surely have to pay to open up a factory in a developing nation.

Santa will no longer be allowed to leave coal in naughty children’s stockings.