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So You Want to Be a Unicorn Farmer: 5 Things You Need to Know Before Entering the Best Occupation Ever

These days, it seems everyone is looking to break into the unicorn farming industry. Be it the economy, the limited opportunities in the classifieds, or the undeniable allure of ‘80s nostalgia, new batches of unicorn farmers are sprouting up across the globe.

I have seen it myself at Unicornomics, the unicorn farm and research and development firm where I am Chief Unicornomicist, as our workshops on How to Raise Unicorns have experienced record attendance in inverse correlation with the Dow.

And, while unicorns are appreciative of this zeitgeist, they are also wary of the pitfalls that a surplus of unicorn farmers can bring. Thus, in the interest of unicorns’ wellbeing and preserving the future of this profession, I present to you the 5 Things You Need to Know Before Entering the Best Occupation Ever.

5. Unicorns aren’t simply grouped into “magical” and “non-magical”. Just as there is more than one breed of dog and more than one member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, there is more than one type of unicorn. There is the picturesque Purebred, the glitterific Twinkletoe, the fiery Karmic, and the awkwardly lovable Gigglerump. Mixing them up will create a ton of grief that – trust me – you do not have time for, especially as you are growing your unicorn farming business.

4. Unicorns don’t like to discuss their bodily functions. This may disappoint those who spend their time theorizing about the consistency of unicorn excrement or the color of unicorn vomit, but most unicorns possess a sense of decorum. If you truly are intrigued by the digestive systems of unicorns, consider pursuing your studies in gastrointestinal unicornology, not unicorn farming.

Sparkling: Unicorns are capable of so much more.

3. Sparkling is only one aspect of a unicorn’s abilities. Unicorns can do more than just look pretty. Sure, that is what they’ve been relegated to through tapestries and little girls’ stationery, but they can also perform great feats of telekinesis and reduce the number of emails in your inbox with just a swish of the tail.

2. Being a unicorn farmer requires a certain degree of awesomeness. Being awesome doesn’t just happen. Some people are born with it, and others work day and night to achieve it. So showing up the day you open your unicorn farm, expecting awesomeness to greet you at the ribbon-cutting ceremony, won’t cut it – ribbon-wise or occupationally. Take careful and honest assessment of your Awesomeness Factor (the A-Factor) before embarking on this magical adventure.

1. Unicorns aren’t horses. Unicorn farming is not the default vocation for those who failed at raising horses. While it may require some of the same skill-set – e.g., liking animals, understanding that living beings need to be fed – rarely will you encounter a situation when fencing in a horse where you find yourself asking, “Are there any nearby rainbows on which this guy can escape?”

Jessica S. Marquis is a self-proclaimed Unicornomicist and a freelance writer who produces offbeat, satirical humor. Her work has appeared in Geek Monthly, Redbook, Flash, and Going Bonkers? She lives, writes, creates films, and raises unicorns in Phoenix, AZ with her husband and their colleague Farmer McGlitter. Visit her website at Unicornomics.com, and follow her on Twitterer @RaisingUnicorns.

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