[Election 2008] 25 Reasons Why John Sidney McCain III Sucks

1. He’s a closet neocon.According to Rolling Stone, McCain privately calls himself “the original neocon.” McCain began pushing for war with Iraq in the ‘90s, and within hours of the World Trade Center attacks he was on talk shows insisting Iraq was developing WMDs. Pre-war, he repeatedly stated we would win easily. Later, after the war became a disaster, McCain pretended he’d always been against it. “The American people were led to believe this could be some kind of day at the beach,” he said in 2006, “which many of us fully understood from the beginning would be a very, very difficult undertaking.”

2. Elect McCain, and you can expect more pointless, bloody wars.McCain clearly has his sights set on Iran, for starters. Retired general John H. Johns, McCain’s former friend, says if McCain’s elected, he’ll be “Bush on steroids. . . . He puts military at the top of foreign policy rather than diplomacy.”

3. He doesn’t know when to hold ’em or fold ’em.McCain’s got a gambling jones. He blows thousands per game playing craps. John Weaver, McCain’s former chief strategist, told Time, “Enjoying craps opens up a window on a central thread constant in John’s life. . . . Taking a chance, playing against the odds.” Suddenly it makes sense why McCain chose a moose-hunting beauty queen for his running mate: It was a huge gamble. We can’t risk McCain “rolling snake eyes” with America’s future.

4. He’ll destroy what’s left of the economy.McCain has admitted that “economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should.” With the economy so grim that every morning you pray your corner ATM still dispenses cash, do you want to hand things over to a guy who declared this March he’s “always for less regulation”? One of the Keating Five? Mister “The fundamentals of our economy are strong”? Elect McCain, and blame yourself when your family is staying warm by burning your useless checkbooks.

5. That awful woman.I don’t even want to get started on Sarah Palin, or this list will quickly turn into 25 reasons why she sucks. Let me just say that Palin is so horrible that people who like her are a danger to themselves and others, and shouldn’t be allowed to walk around without protective headgear.

6. When Karl Rove says your campaign’s lies have gone too far, you’ve gone too far.McCain’s running a revoltingly sleazy campaign, but it’ll be tough to sink lower than his commercial suggesting Obama wanted to teach kindergartners about sex. (“Learning about sex before learning to read?”) The ad implies teachers would be telling kids how to find the G-spot before naptime, but the bill Obama co-sponsored would actually have focused on age-appropriate topics like how to avoid molestation. Imagine if Obama’s ad people were willing to twist the truth like that: “John McCain doesn’t want little kids to know about the dangers of pedophiles. Does John McCain like pedophiles?”

7. He’s Charles Keating Jr.’s ex-BFF.In the late ‘80s, Charles Keating Jr., owner of Irvine-based Lincoln Savings and Loan, also owned McCain’s ass. McCain and four other senators (the infamous “Keating Five”) received ample campaign contributions from Keating. McCain partied like a pimp on Keating’s dime, enjoying what he called “Charlie Keating’s Shangri-La.” Keating actually boasted to reporters about buying McCain’s loyalty. The Keating Five pressured regulators to overlook Keating’s illegal activities, leading to a bank failure costing taxpayers over $120 billion by some estimates. It was a dress rehearsal for our current horror show, with McCain at center stage. McCain officially cut ties to Keating in 1987. His wife’s business partnership with Keating lasted until 1998, but McCain insists he didn’t know.

8. He agrees with Bush 95 percent of the time.McCain’s trying to distance himself from the unpopular Bush, but in 2007 McCain voted with Bush 95 percent of the time, according to Factcheck.org. Seriously, your dog doesn’t even agree with you 95 percent of the time.

9. He’s very old.Things McCain is older than: Life Magazine, World War II, the Golden Gate Bridge and Keith Richards. In 2000, McCain himself suggested he’d be too old to run by 2008, saying, “I think I might be ready to go down to the old soldiers’ home.”

10. He’s in lousy health.He’s endured four bouts of malignant melanoma, the deadliest form of skin cancer. Ominously, McCain refuses to allow full access to his medical records.

11. His age and health really matter.It’s not unlikely McCain would croak in office. Then we’d be stuck with Palin, and W’s administration would seem like the good old days.