I awoke in a near drunken haze to what I expected was my annual black out dungeon orgy, only to discover that my cell mates in this charmingly fresh cell were not in the proper spirits for such an endeavor. Whilst the others droned on about their week reliance on special gear, I reflected on the choices that led me to continue being the most powerful creature in my environment. The only real weapon is the mind, after all, and my mind shoots death rays!
Eventually one of the lesser magic users, the wizard I think, decided to save us all from a sinister crack in the wall by detonating a Fireball at close range. To our great fortune this did not kill us, and inadvertently led to our escape! Almost immediately we were confronted by your standard dungeon guard, thick of mind and body. One of the guards ran for help in a surprising burst of celerity that even I could hardly believe. The other died to a hail of conjured junk or some such, thanks to the clumsy yet effective efforts of the apprentice Wizard called Arok. After stripping the corpse of its garments and weapon we moved on.
This begins a long walking scenario down hallways too twisted and complicated for even my great mind to recall. The hero of the battle of hallway one, Arok the Wizard, quickly began losing his sanity and drinking large amounts of wine we had procured from one of the dungeon’s many decadent rooms in an effort to compensate. This proved to be a wise move, as we arrived in a most ostentatious chamber full of strange magics. From this room we procured magical torches of varying colors, and small handfuls of slightly ominous yet wholly useless magical detritus. I believe the magic we encountered here was of the child’s birthday party veriaty, but I try not to judge these lesser minds too harshly. One of our number found she had a fondness for small enchantingly creepy dolls. I shall definitely have to look her up in the future!
It was after judging the effectiveness of our enemies magics that I became emboldened, perhaps even reckless. In a nearby chamber we discovered a sacrificial alter, and strange black liquid. Believing this dungeon to be occupied by former show magicians, or perhaps a retired circus act, I felt no fear in plunging my hands into the umbral liquid. It quickly covered my arms, and began a deep exfoliation process which confirmed my former opinion that the being our enemies worshipped would perhaps open a wonderful magical theme park, complete with spa! My companion, the mage Toshiba, experienced what can only be thought a burst of insight, and placed a newly discovered white necklace from the sacrificial basin around my neck. It was only then, as the necklace absorbed the flowing stygian liquid from my body, that I discovered the true extent of the damage it had wrought. Another three or four hundred years of that and I would have been a goner for sure!
The next chamber contained a stuffy and all together uninteresting library. The fledgling magus Moshai found some scroll scraps, and determined to restore them in an effort to unlock great magical secrets. I smiled, regretting that I had no sweets to give the poor creature. I seized the initiative, and a well timed moment alone with the lady Xena, as she and I left to search yet another overly convoluted corridor which ended in a cell block containing prisoners. At first blush there appeared to be a rather angry Orc, two Humans pretending to be corpses, and a Gnome. A small application of my magics to the leg of one human was all it took to get them talking, and we had soon deduced that my arch enemy Pearl was somehow behind all of this. What I wouldn’t give for five minutes alone with her and a pair of sulfur leeches. After freeing the captives, for no reason that was aperient then or now, the Orc revealed a likely location of both our weapons, and an Elven prisoner who had been taken further down into the dungeon.
Here I must take a moment to make note of a few things about this adventure which I found rather refreshing. Firstly, we must acknowledge that this particular cult chose to build their dungeon with only three levels, the first of which was a beautifully decorated and easily accessible surface level with ample access to the sun and air. Thanks to this design, even the lowest level continued to smell as fresh as a summer breeze. In fact, were it not for the ridiculously crafted hallways, I would easily give this dungeon a five-star rating. Secondly, it was about this time that my group decided to vandalize the library tables to use as makeshift weapons, before the mage Arok idly set it aflame. It would appear that they have begun to learn from me after all, as libraries are not a place for smart people. Now, where was I???
We followed the Orc up to the first floor, where we retrieved our gear, as well as some others. After a brief farewell to the prisoners, rescued pro bono I must add, we descended to the bottom level to confront our captor and free the Elfin maiden. It was here that we discovered the source of all our problems was a necromancer, his rather poultry undead minions standing guard as he prepared to sacrifice the Elf by tossing her into a swirling, multicolored portal that continued to reaffirm my suspicion that he was a child’s entertainer before trying his hand at cult leader. Not much difference I suppose in the end. Either way, we engaged him in battle. His command of death magics was clumsy, but admittedly effective. We were unable to stop him from tossing his victim into the colorful maelstrom, in part due to another sudden flash of insight on the part of my dear friend Toshiba. He, for some vexing reason, decided that mid battle was the perfect time to rip away my necklace containing the cult’s concentrated dark ichor, and then give it to the necromancer! While I have to admit being impressed with Toshiba’s control over the Mage Hand spell, he clearly spends a lot of time practicing with such cantrips, I was nevertheless stunned by his tactics. The end result was to bring our enemy the child’s party necromancer great joy. In fact, his power heightened by this gesture, Toshiba began to postulate the effect of throwing our enemy more of our magical paraphernalia. Needless to say we did not support further use of his tactics. To be blunt, we may have all died to this negative energy party clown, had the Elf not distracted him by emerging from the portal she had been cast into, which had become onyx in color after feeding on the ichor of undead servitors. Her emergence, and her sexy yet disturbing change in appearance, took the necromancer off guard. This gave us time to catch our breath, and redouble our attack. Before we managed to kill our foe, the reborn Elf maiden surprised us all by effortlessly countering one of his spells before losing interest and quitting the field. Needless to say, I must catch up with her one day!
Our foe defeated, we set about healing our wounds and looting the body. Now I look upon the face of my true foe, Pearl, and prepare to exact a long-deserved vengeance that scribes will continue to write long after the world I know has fallen into dust. Children will be frightened into subservience by such tales. Order will be kept upon threat of the fate I shall visit upon her….