Wednesday, May 20, 2015

On Friday we get to vote in the Marriage Equality referendum, and I for one CAN NOT WAIT. A Yes vote is the kind, decent and truly right thing to do. I'll be voting yes in the Presidential Age referendum too, because if you can run for the Dáil at 21, then have at it I say, but also because I'm half afraid that otherwise my brain will freak out and I'd somehow accidentally end up voting no on marriage equality by accident.

There is genuinely no good reason to vote no in the Marriage Referendum. Once you strip back the arguments of the No campaigners, it all boils down to old fashioned homophobia and them being squicked out at the idea of gay sex. So many masks have slipped in the last few days of the debate, it's hard not to trip over the fuckers strewn all over the floor.

The No side also seem to think that we've all forgotten the fact that they were vehemently opposed to Civil Partnerships, while they now hold it up as some kind of shining beacon of gay rights, rather than a half-assed piece of legislation that they battled tooth and nail against. They use their carefully chosen group names and surnames to try to deflect the fact that it's the usual handful of well funded ultra-conservatives that routinely battle anything approaching progress in this country. And they have the brass-necked fucking nerve to act the victim when people disagree with them, while they are actively campaigning to deny rights to an already marginalised group of people. It is wildly disrespectful, it's disingenuous and it's dishonest.

So let's show these people that they and their awful opinions are soon to be a thing of past and let's make this a better country for all of our LGBT citizens and their families. A high turnout is crucial to a Yes result, so on Friday get out there and vote.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Does everybody else have that Madonna song stuck in their heads now too? Thought as much. Let's proceed!

Sweet Valley High #23: Say Goodbye

Elizabeth Wakefield is miserable. She feels like a part of her is "dying", her aqua coloured eyes are brimming with tears, tears that are probably getting all up in her sun-kissed blonde hair, and when she takes her perfect size six body outside the house, she's so upset that she's "blind to the beauty of her neighbourhood." The reason that Elizabeth's perfect California face isn't paying any attention to her perfect California surroundings is that her perfect California boyfriend is moving away to stupid Vermont in a week's time.

Todd's father has to move for work, so in between crying on each other, he and Elizabeth have decided to have a long distance relationship and not see other people, even though they don't even know when they'll get to see each other again. Both Enid and big bro Steven think it's a bad idea, though. Steven has seen this kind of thing with his college buddies and it never works out, apparently.

"People have what they call 'hometown honeys' - girlfriends or boyfriends they've left behind."

Because Steven is going to college in 1940s wartime America.

Meanwhile, Jessica owes her parents almost a hundred dollars after buying an outfit in Lisette's and charging it to Ned and Alice's account without telling them. She has to find a part time job to earn enough to pay them back and ends up with a job as a receptionist at the Perfect Match Computer Dating Agency. Most excellent. While she's telling Steven about her new gig, Jessica decides it's high time he got his fine ass back out on the market.He's so good looking, she mused.

Pretty weird, Jess.

The agency is owned by Mary Ann, a "pert brunette" in her twenties and the office has heart shaped notepads, a heart shaped keyring for the keys, pink index cards and pink pencils, because Mary Ann respects a theme, goddammit. Jessica ends up telling her new boss all about Elizabeth and Todd and how boring she thinks Todd is. While chatting to her, Jessica hits on the idea of setting Elizabeth up with the handsome and fabulously wealthy Nicholas Morrow. Remember Nicholas Morrow? He's the college-aged dude who was new in town and relentlessly pursued Elizabeth, a sixteen year old with a steady boyfriend, and guilted her into going on a date with him, despite her repeated protestations. Nice guy.

One evening in the dating agency's office, Jessica compiles a shortlist of ladyeez to set her brother up with, one of which is a forty three year old divorceé called Beatrice. She calls Beatrice up and tells her that the computer has found her perfect match, and gives her Steven's phone number. Steven is eighteen.

Anyway, it's time for Todd to go, so he and Elizabeth have a mega-tearful goodbye in the driveway of his parents house and she sadly watches the car drive away. Elizabeth then proceeds to spend all her time moping around her room, writing letters to Todd, letting her work for the school paper slide and generally being antisocial.

But the worst, the very worst was the apathetic look in her blue-green eyes.

Noooo! The eyes of a Wakefield twin FLASH and SPARKLE and SHINE! They're practically a pair of tiny turquoise headlights, this just won't do!

Jessica tries to get Elizabeth back to her old self by asking sexy ol' Mr Collins to send Liz to the upcoming regatta to cover it for The Oracle. She then convinces Nicholas Morrow to offer to take Liz to the race, as he's sailing in it and one of the favourites to win. Liz goes with him and the race is all super exciting and Nicholas wins. Oh and he shows her his boat beforehand, it's called Seabird but he tells her that its secret name is My Favourite Twin. Bleuuuuugh.

After the race, Nicholas invites the twins to come for a fancy lunch on his dad's yacht and is all over Elizabeth. He tells her that he's there for her if she needs a shoulder to cry on, even though he quite clearly wants to get into her pants. Elizabeth is relieved that he just wants to be friends, but also doesn't quite 100% believe that and feels guilty for enjoying his attention and company. The next day, the twins go to the Morrow's house for a barbeque being held in honour of Nicholas's cousin Jeffrey, who's in from New York. Jessica briefly "considered falling in love with him", but decides not to (because that's how it works) as all the money is in Nicholas's family and Jeffrey is probably a poor relative. Jeffrey was twenty one, with brown, crinkly hair and wire-frame glasses.

He wants to be an archeologist and keeps talking about the Aztecs and I have to say, I'm kind of into Jeffrey. He sounds like Classroom Indiana Jones and as we all know, he can get it. Nicholas asks Elizabeth whether she and Todd have decided to date other people, she tells him they haven't and he asks her to the cinema. But he does so "huskily", so he must mean business.

Todd. That jacket. No.

In the meantime, Beatrice has been calling up Steven and asking him out to dinner and quite rightly, he's completely weirded out and can't figure how she got his number. Jessica decides that she'll have to deploy her second choice for Steven, some bird called Jody, and calls her up, telling her to come by the house on Saturday. I'm not sure which part of this she thinks is a good idea.

Todd calls the house while Elizabeth is over at Enid's and Jessica takes the opportunity to tell him that Elizabeth is miserable and not going out with her friends or writing for the school paper, making out like he's holding her back and urging him to let her go. She pretty much guilts Todd into agreeing with her and instead of actually talking to his girlfriend about it, he just takes the word of her sister, a notorious liar, schemer and shit-stirrer and just stops returning Liz's calls or replying to her letters. Great job, Todd.

Liz goes to the cinema with Nicholas to the new James Bond film (going by the date of this book, it's A View To A Kill, fyi) and they kiss afterwards. Nicholas apologises and Elizabeth says she needs more time. He tells her to think everything over and not to push herself and then IMMEDIATELY pesters her to go for ice cream with him at the weekend. How is she supposed to think things over when YOU WON'T LEAVE HER ALONE? Riddle me that, Morrow.

The next day, Steven and Elizabeth are hanging out by the pool when the doorbell rings. Elizabeth answers to find some punk rocker chick waiting outside and looking for Steven. Elizabeth "repressed the desire to burst out laughing" because she's a judgey little bitch and invites her in. It turns out that this is Jody and Steven naturally has no idea what's going on. When she tells him he's supposed to be her other half, he suggests that she has the wrong house and Elizabeth bursts out laughing, which is RUDE. But I guess we're not supposed to feel bad for this girl, because she lights a cigarette and has long nails, so for some reason it's fine that Elizabeth is ridiculing her TO HER FACE. It's not Jody's fault that Jessica is an exasperating schemer, after all.

Anyway, Elizabeth has seemingly thrown herself into dating Nicholas, despite still pining for Todd and not knowing why he hasn't returned any of her calls. Steven and Enid are concerned and think she's rushing into it, even though they both thought that Liz and Todd doing long distance was a bad idea, so make your goddamn minds up jerks. Elizabeth decides that she's been unfairly leading Nicholas on, as she's still in love with Todd, so she resolves to tell Nicholas how she really feels and to write to Todd to find out what exactly is going on. However, she won't get a chance to talk to Nicholas until the following night, when they're supposed to be going to a party at Lila Fowler's house, so she decides not to ruin his evening and will break up with him after the party.

It was going to be a terrible blow when he found out that Elizabeth wanted to cut things off.

A fate worse then death, being denied that sweet Wakefield ass.

The next day, Todd is back in town to close his father's bank accounts and "make enquiries about the furniture", and tie up various other loose ends that it seems a bit odd to send a sixteen year old to do. He hasn't told anyone that he's back in town, and wants to drop by Elizabeth's house to surprise her. Even though he decided to ignore her phonecalls in an effort to make her move on, with no explanation. He's all confused about his feelings and chickens out of calling to the house, instead deciding to show up at Lila's party that night."I'm too much of a coward to face her alone", he admitted.

Todd has an entire conversation with himself in the car, while he works it all out. Sunset Beach style.

Steven is on the way home for dinner before Lila's party, and sees a girl pulled in off the side of the road with a flat tyre. It turns out that it's Cara Walker, which shocks him for some reason.

It was Cara Walker - just about the last person Steven would have expected to run into on Route 29. Somehow he'd always gotten the impression that Cara was incapable of driving to the supermarket, let alone taking the car out on the expressway.

Is that because you're a massive dickhead, Steven? I think it miiiight beeee.

He helps her change the tyre and she thanks him but gets a bit upset, as she's been having family problems and has had a lot on her mind lately. Steven graciously takes pity on her and they go for coffee at a nearby place, where she fills him in on the fact that her parents have separated and how hard it's been, not least because they've split her and little brother up, and he's now living in Chicago with their father.

Steven couldn't get over the change in Cara. The tragic battle that had been waged in her household had had one positive effect: Cara had grown up. Gone was the spoiled, silly girl Steven had once known. In her place was a sensitive, intelligent young woman, whom Steven thought he wouldn't mind getting to know better.

Ok FIRST OF ALL, she's still sixteen Stevie, so put those pants back on. SECOND OF ALL, fuck you. She's a kid and shouldn't HAVE to "grow up" and deal with this kind of thing. Sixteen year old girls can be both silly and intelligent, you massive dick. It's what being sixteen is FOR. You just couldn't bother your hole getting to know her properly, so now that she's going through a terrible time you suddenly deem her worthy of your precious attention. And her misery giving you a boner is not a "positive effect", it's you being CREEPY.

They decide to go to Lila's party together and spend their time there in deep conversation, which enrages Betsy Martin, (sister of Tricia, Steve's former girlfriend/Victorian ghost doll who died from leukemia a few months previously - these kids live in an actual soap opera) because she feels like it's too soon after Tricia.

Todd then shows up, surprising everyone, especially Liz, who is caught rapid dancing with Nicholas with her head on his shoulder. Todd runs off and Nicholas takes Liz home because she wants to be alone. When they get to the house, she tells Nicholas that she's not ready to be involved with him and apologises. He's hurt, but accepts her decision for once in his life, which is something. Jessica comes home shortly afterwards and confesses to Elizabeth that she told Todd to leave Liz alone. Elizabeth runs off to track Todd down and eventually finds him sitting outside his old house.

They have a big long talk and decide that they'll lead their separate lives and date other people, but they still love each other so they're leaving things open ended for now, whatever that means. Elizabeth decides that they're both better off now, so she's not mad at Jessica for interfering any more, because Jessica literally gets away with EVERYTHING so why change the habit of a lifetime? Also, it turns out that after they left the party, Betsy Martin kicked off at Steve and made a huge scene, accusing him of forgetting about her sister. Steve stormed out without saying goodbye to Cara and everyone involved is pretty upset, so now we have our storyline for the next book. Woo!

Notable outfit:
Shoutout to Jody McGuire, injecting some much-needed rock 'n roll into a town full of squares.

Wearing a black leather jacket and skintight leather trousers, the girl who stood there looked like someone in a movie about punk rockers. She had at least six earrings in one ear and the longest fingernails Elizabeth had ever seen.

You know, apart from being a dick move, Elizabeth laughing at this girl was a risky move, because she sounds like she would fuck. Her. Up.

Things I counted:
Number of pages:153
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 4
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 10
Amount of times people look "miffed": 4

Monday, May 11, 2015

A few weeks ago, after getting home from seeing Age of Ultron in the cinema, Nine to Five was on telly. It started pretty late, and wasn't going to be over until two in the morning, so I wasn't sure I'd even make it to the end. I'd seen it before, years and years ago when I was fairly young so the jokes went clear over my head and my favourite part was Lily Tomlin's revenge fantasy sequence, because cartoon woodland creatures.

But stay up until two I did, because Nine to Five is a goddamn feminist fairytale DELIGHT, and after watching a film earlier that evening where two capable and fascinating lady superheroes cracked plenty of robot skulls, but hardly said a single word to each other, a film with three female leads somehow felt newer and more relevant, despite the fact that it's 35 years old. (And not 25 like I originally calculated, until the Bear pointed out that the 90s were not in fact ten years ago.)

Starring Lily Tomlin as Violet, a super efficient office supervisor who's been repeatedly passed over for promotion because she's a woman, Jane Fonda as Judy, a naive former housewife, freshly divorced and entering the workforce for the first time, and Dolly Parton as Doralee, the cute-as-a-goddamn-button secretary to their obnoxious sleazeball boss, Nine to Five doesn't just pass the Bechdel Test, it invites it over for gin and popcorn and Death Becomes Her on DVR so you can fast-forward through the ad breaks.

After being mistreated one too many times by the aforementioned boss, the three women bond in a nearby bar, get stoned, and fantasize about exacting revenge on the "sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot" that is Mr. Hart. The fantasy revenge scenes are a super fun and surreal deviation, featuring Judy dressed like a lady Indiana Jones big game hunter, chasing a terrified Mr. Hart through the office, Doralee as a gleeful horndog cowgirl, turning the tables on the sexual harassment Hart has made her endure, and Violet as a murderous Snow White, lacing her odious boss's coffee with rat poison.

Following a series of screwball mix-ups and mishaps, they end up kidnapping Mr. Hart, trussing him up in an S&M style harness attached to the ceiling in his fancy house (but not before Dolly hog-ties him in the office with a phone cord, like a boss). There's even a delightfully jaunty montage of some very practical shopping for holding a man hostage. They're actually very accommodating, making sure he has cigars and magazines and everything. However, the intrepid trio also have an enemy in Roz, who works as Hart's executive assistant and informant, ratting out other women at every opportunity because Roz is a LAPDOG OF THE PATRIARCHY.

While Violet, Judy and Doralee hatch a plan to blackmail their boss, they kill time by making the office a 100% better place to work in and get a heap of feminism all up in it, introducing day care, diversity, flexible working hours and a coat of cheerful paint on the lockers. The workplace they've created is better than most workplaces right now. Their office initiatives even sort out their co-worker Margaret's alcoholism. By the time the chairman of the board arrives on the scene (dressed as Colonel Sanders for some reason) the office looks like 1980s Google.

As an aside, this was Dolly Parton's first film role, which is outrageous, because she's like a lightbulb in every scene and almost indecently adorable. Also, 1980 was approaching a pretty dicey time in fashion and yet Dolly manages to look unfailingly wonderful in everything she wears. How bloody rude.

It's by no means perfect, but honestly, watching it now, Nine to Five felt current and refreshing. It's not like we're inundated with feminist films these days and considering that women comprised just 12% of the protagonists in the top-grossing films in 2014, we need more fucking films like it. We're at a point where almost any new female-led comedy is billed as "Bridesmaids meets [insert random title here]!!", even if the only thing it's got in common with Bridesmaids is more than one female character who's not just Buzzkill Girlfriend or Nagging Wife. We're so starved of blockbuster-sized, hilarious, well-written, female-driven comedy that we have to keep referring back to one single film from four years ago. (And I'm really just talking about films here, as Broad City, Amy Schumer, Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler have been doing sterling work on this front in TV.)

Pitch Perfect was bizarrely described on its posters as "Bridesmaids meets Ted!", despite the fact that it featured neither a wedding, nor an asshole teddy bear. The Duff was billed as "Bridesmaids meets Mean Girls!", Brit comedy The Knot was "Bridesmaids meets The Hangover!" and a Jennifer Lopez film called MILF is in production and being touted as "Bridesmaids meets First Wives Club!" It's an epidemic. A movie could be about nurses in World War Two, working in the field and if it wasn't 100% deathly serious it'd be billed as "Bridesmaids meets Saving Private Ryan!"

In any case, I highly recommend a viewing of Nine to Five. It's got feminsim, zingy one-liners, Lily Tomlin being fantastically acerbic and possibly one of the greatest theme songs ever written for a film. Also, fun fact, the typewriter noise in the song was made by Dolly clacking her acrylic nails off each other, because DOLLY IS PERFECTION.

Thursday, May 07, 2015

This post was supposed to go up yesterday, but when I went into my drafts folder to publish it, the bastarding thing had gone and fucking disappeared. I still have no idea what happened, and after moping on Twitter for a bit, I went home and rewrote the whole entire thing while vowing never to entrust a completed post with Blogger ever again. And swearing quite a bit.

ANYWAY. Let's jump back into the Sweet Valley timeline, after that summer bike trip tangent.

Sweet Valley High #22: Too Much In Love
It's dinner time at Casa Wakefield, and Ned and Alice are going to be out of town for a few days, as Ned is working on a big case and there's another lawyer in Mexico City who has a bunch of documents there that he needs and apparently there's no such thing as the postal service in this universe. The twins convince their parents that they can take care of themselves while they're away and certainly don't need a babysitter. Ned and Alice agree to let them stay home on their own, after all it's not as if either of them have ever been kidnapped, or tried to run away from home, or got into a near-fatal motorbike accident, or ended up abandoned in a forest at night, wearing nothing but a bikini after being almost sexually assaulted by a college dude.

Elizabeth is in charge of organising an upcoming school talent show and calls up DeeDee Gordon to ask if she'll design the sets for the background of each act. However, DeeDee is all squirrelly and weird and won't commit to doing it until she talks to her boyfriend Bill about it first. Elizabeth is puzzled by her reaction, as Bill has nothing to do with the show and DeeDee is usually super excited about design projects. Elizabeth mentions it to Patty Gilbert, DeeDee's BFF, "a beautiful black girl with short, dark hair and large, sparkling brown eyes." Oh my god! It's only taken 22 books to introduce a person of colour, other than Penny Ayala. DIVERSITY! Apparently, Patty is "one of the most popular, talented girls in her class", although how popular can she really be, if this is the first we've heard of her, HMM? Anyway, Patty has also noticed a change in DeeDee and tells Liz that she'll get her to commit to doing the set design.

It turns out that DeeDee is being all strange and insecure because her parents split up and her mother told her it was because she and DeeDee's father didn't make enough time for each other in their relationship and then things just fell apart. As a result, DeeDee has gotten super clingy with Bill and has abandoned all her other interests, like the art classes she was attending. She turns up at his house unannounced, freaks out if he doesn't seek her out to say hello before homeroom and waits around outside the boys locker room for him to finish swimming practice.

Meanwhile, poor Bill is feeling smothered by the sudden change in his girlfriend and feels like he's spending all his free time smoothing things over with DeeDee because she keeps getting upset at how busy he is. We discover that DeeDee is also acting this way because her art teacher had told her about her own divorce and how her ex has remarried a plain and unthreatening woman, who had no career or other pursuits to distract her. Teachers are always confiding in their students in this town and it's really pretty weird.

They're supposed to have a double date with Patty and her boyfriend from out of town on Friday night, but Bill ends up qualifying for regionals (like Glee! But with swimming!), and instead of just going out with her friends and meeting up with Bill later on, DeeDee drags Patty and her boyfriend to the swim meet. She then proceeds to make a holy show of herself when Bill wins, running down the steps to the pool, screaming his name and throwing her arms around him, mortifying the poor fella.

With the Wakefield parents out of the way for the week, Jessica immediately starts planning a massive house party and enlists Lila Fowler to help her, as the key to an excellent party is down to the guest list, apparently. Lila is seeing a college guy called Drake, and decides to invite him and some of his mates along to liven things up. So that's definitely going to go well.

That weekend, Bill is supposed to meet DeeDee on Saturday night, but he has the day to himself and has arranged to go see an old movie with fellow film buff Dana Larson that afternoon. He feels guiltily relieved to get a break from his newly overbearing girlfriend and hasn't told her about his cinema plans, as it would only upset her. Unfortunately, as they're leaving the cinema, they run into Jessica and Cara out shopping for the day. Never one to miss an opportunity to ruin someone's day, Jessica tells DeeDee about Bill's trip to the movies, making it sound like DeeDee has something to be worried about, even though she knows full well he and Dana are just friends. For all her suntanned, "All American" good looks and winning smile, Jessica is essentially a cruel person. You see, Bill had the nerve to go and hook up with DeeDee instead of Jessica, like fourteen books ago, but nothing holds a grudge like Jessica Wakefield's vagina.

These are supposed to be sixteen year old kids! DeeDee looks positively middle aged! Real Housewives of Sweet Valley howareya. Also, Bill looks like an Eighties Aryan villain of some sort. That's a sinister jawline if ever I saw one.

At school, DeeDee and Bill end up having a massive row and breaking up and of course Elizabeth just HAPPENS to be nearby and runs into DeeDee right after Bill has stormed off.Just then Elizabeth walked into the lounge, "DeeDee!" she said, startled. "What's wrong? You look terrible!"

Fucking hell Liz, put the boot in anyway.

Elizabeth tells DeeDee to try talking to Bill again when they've both calmed down. She does so, but Bill says he needs more time. "He just wasn't ready to be shackled again." Ouch. Without Bill to pester, and with her self-esteem at an all-time low, DeeDee starts plaguing Elizabeth looking for help and advice with the sets for the talent show. Elizabeth already has loads to do and DeeDee is driving her cracked, so she and Patty come up with a plan to help DeeDee realise that she can do this, get her confidence back and take her mind off Bill in the process.

Elizabeth calls DeeDee and tells her that she's sick and can't come into school and asks DeeDee to take over setting up the show. After a chaotic organisation meeting where everything seems to be going wrong, DeeDee eventually gets into the swing of things, sorts out all the problems that have sprung up and starts to enjoy design work again. She has a chat with her mother, who explains that the divorce happened because she and her father had become different people and it wasn't because she had her own interests. DeeDee ends up throwing herself into the work and becomes so busy that when Bill calls one evening she doesn't even come to the phone because she's painting and in the zone.

The night of Jessica's free gaff party arrives and it's all going rather well, until Drake and his friends show up "reeking of beer" and end up taking the party up more notches than Jessica is ready for. The neighbours complain about the noise and two cops show up at the door, looking for someone over the age of eighteen who can take responsibility for the party, when Steven materialises out of a nearby hedge."I'm over eighteen," a familiar voice said behind Sergeant Malone. The next minute Steven Wakefield stepped out of the shadows.

Spoopy Steve.

As the Wakefield kids survey the damage after the party, they discover that a floor plan for a big important job their mother is working on has had beer spilled all over it and it was the only copy. (Although if it's actually that important then it seems pretty unlikely that it's the only copy, but whatever.) Jessica rushes over to DeeDee the next morning to see if she can replicate the drawings somehow. She apologises profusely for trying to sabotage her and Bill and DeeDee is way, WAY too nice to her."You don't have to apologise just to get me to help you."

Ehh, YES SHE FUCKING DOES. And the only reason she actually IS apologising is because she needs a favour, you can be sure she wouldn't bother her perfect size-six hole otherwise. DeeDee comes back to the house with her and redraws the plans in half an hour (HA!) just in time for the Wakefield parents to arrive home. Jessica ends up having to tell them about the party anyway though, because a fancy crystal vase got smashed. After being angry with her for all of four seconds, Ned and Alice forgive her and Jessica continues to lead her consequence-free life, despite being a terrible person.

The talent show goes really well and DeeDee gets a big round of applause for all her hard work. She's back to her old, confident self and she and Bill make up during the show, now that she's an independent woman (throw your hands up at me).

Olivia Davidson was the first entrant in the show. She played a love song on her guitar, and she sang in a sweet, clear voice that made tears come to DeeDee's eyes.

Fucking Olivia and her fucking guitar. I swear to god.

Eventually it's Todd's turn, but instead of doing a stand-up routine like he said he was going to, he goes all Buzz Killington and recites a Christina Rossetti poem about sorrow and death, because it turns out that he's moving away from Sweet Valley and is apparently a massive diva. He breaks the news to Elizabeth afterwards and we end with them holding each other and crying. CLIFFHANGER!

Notable outfit:
There were no outfit description in this one at all, which quite frankly just isn't on. So I'm going with the little intro we got for Dana Larson, who is always a delight.

She was a tall, pretty girl with a short, New Wave haircut, a dynamic smile, and a funky, offbeat wardrobe.

YES. TELL US MORE PLEASE.

Things I counted:
Number of pages:153
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 9
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 4
References to people crying: 26 (It's mostly DeeDee. She does a LOT of crying.)