Friday, June 13, 2008

But it turns out, God’s a bit of a cranky ol’ coot, and hates lots of things.

Like bloomin’ onions.

Ranch dressing.

Driving in circles.

And 140 minute special effect reels with no script.

So God floods middle-America.

However, middle America is much more buoyant then even God expected.

So he sends tornadoes.

Still too fat.

God is perplexed.

"I've got it! I'll poison their fat asses!"

“Hmm, but it has to be something they don’t fry, because that would kill the salmonella. They’ll need to eat it raw, like say, a fruit or vegetable… but damn it, what fruit or vegetable would they ever eat?!?”

"Perfect!"

It’s not that God doesn’t like tomatoes—he loves them—but Americans don’t even eat the carrot and celery with their hot wings anymore, and God needed something that touches all our food.