communication

Missed me the last couple of weeks? Yeah, it’s been frustrating for me, too. Try as I might, I’ve been unable to write anything I felt good about.

And that’s because there’s a very large, very gray, very wrinkly elephant in the room. Standing right there between us.

See, it’s like there are competing voices in my head. One says “write things people who might hire you will like because you are a business person, after all.” And another voice says, “Wow, writing like that feels contrived and inauthentic. Don’t do that.”

After some reflection and journaling and a few macaroons (the kind dipped in dark chocolate, if you’re interested), I’ve realized that when I merely show up and show myself, things tend to work out just fine.So that’s my intention with this space.

It’s a crazy world out there and – elephant alert – I want to write about how to cope and how to manage dealing with it all.

Here’s this week’s critical topic: How can you express yourself – how can you show up and be seen – in times like these?

Times where partisanship is applauded more than cooperation.

Times when trolls with screen courage unleash blistering vitriol at the slightest provocation.

Times when you’re not sure if you can take one more news report, one more headline.

But I’m here to tell you that if you swallow your voice, if you make yourself mouse-like, if you keep your head down and mind your own business, you will feel increasingly more awful than you feel now.

You will begin to feel as though you’re vanishing.

I work with clients who are Democrats, and clients who are Republicans, and clients who are independents. And some who live in Europe, Latin American or Asia. All of them – each and every one – are stressed by the tenor and tone of even chatting with people we’ve always thought of as friends these days.

Want to know how I try to navigate?

First, I never assume that anyone believes what I believe or interprets situations exactly how I do. As Stephen Covey suggests in his classic Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, I seek to understand and then to be understood.

This means that sometimes I get to say, “I get what you’re saying. I don’t happen to agree – can I tell you why?”

The best case scenario is when they say, “Yes, I’d love to hear your perspective.” And if they say, no, they’re not at all interested in what I have to say…I move along.

Second, I remind myself all the time that I am a learner. Curiosity is my hallmark and my day is not quite complete if I haven’t satisfied that particular interest. With that framework, I can hear your perspective with and open heart and mind…

Unless, third, you are voicing hateful, exclusionary, racist beliefs. If that happens, I will tell you directly that you are wrong and I will not stand for slurs, epithets or threats. And then I get myself out of your presence.

Because what we need in our world today is far less hate and far more cooperation.

We need people to show up and show themselves – the best parts of themselves – as we find solutions to all the problems we face.

I’m going to do my part in my own little patch. Join me by doing what you can in your own patch. And, patch by patch, we’ll become the change we seek.

Heidi writes about complicated research with a deft and humorous touch, which serves to make the concepts that much easier to grasp. As in:

“This may come as no surprise, but powerful people are more likely to act like selfish jerks. Research by a group of Berkeley researchers, led by Paul Piff, has found evidence of power-induced jerkiness in even the most mundane daily activities.”

Don’t you love “power-induced jerkiness” remaining unedited in a book published by Harvard Business Review Press? Halvorson goes on to use the study as a way in to understanding why the powerful are so much different from those who perceive themselves to be less powerful (Just so you know, the big difference is because they powerful are thinking about their own goals, not yours).

Made me think about the inequality discussion in a whole new light.

And that is the marvel of this book. Read it and you will see things differently. You might even make some changes in the way you are doing things, so you have greater success (what she would call being Promotion-minded) or you might make changes so you can mitigate the chances that you’ll be misunderstood in high-stakes situations (that’s Prevention-minded – see, I learned something!).

Regardless, this book is a keeper. It’s practical, thoughtful, funny and purposeful.

A senior in high school, she’s recently been working on a one-person show for her Theatre IV final. As she writes the script and perfects her performance, she often needs to talk through the process. “Mom,” she said one evening, “my piece really needs to make a statement.”

I thought about that.

A statement.

A declarative avowal. A point of view.

It’s a rare thing these days, even amidst all the bloviating on talk radio and cable TV. It seems to me that so many of us work very hard to not make a statement at all. We’d do anything but have a distinct point of view.

Maybe it feels judgy to have a hard-and-fast opinion, especially for those of us who value harmony and belongingness most of all.

We don’t want to say anything that might trigger a feeling of separateness.

So we equivocate, and use our lips to form mewling, mealy-mouthed words that never really say what needs to be said.

Then wonder why no one really understands us.

We fail to make a real statement about who we are and what’s important to us. We never let anyone know who we are and what we think.

We hide.

If that’s what we brought to our own one-person show, we’d surely stink.

I couldn’t let go of this idea of “making a statement”. I began to question myself – where am I hedging a little? Where am I keeping safe by not having a point of view?

Fair enough to say that I rarely hedge… but there are definitely times when I smile and say nothing. Even when I disagree. Every time I do this, I feel smaller and smaller.

So today’s a good day for me to stop.

It’s time to consciously make a statement.

I’m going to set my intention at the start – who do I want to be? What do I want to say?

And then I’m going to say it.

In conversations, in coaching sessions, in blog posts, in my own self-talk. I’m going to say what I need to say. Not to hurt anyone or cause pain – I never want to hold that intention.

But in a way to express myself, and let myself be known.

No more swallowing words, or going along to get along.

A statement. A point of view. An opinion.

That’s what I’m going to bring to the production that is this life of mine. I am going to let the curtain rise so you can see even more of who I really am.