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The good news? No injuries. The bad news (for this young man, anyway – good for the rest of us)? This young man is in the soup. As reported by the Hunterdon County Democrat (New Jersey):

Police responded to a report of a suspicious vehicle on Route 523 in Readington. The vehicle was found to be in reverse, with the engine running, and when police nudged [Matthew] Kelly [19] to see if he was awake, the man’s foot slid off the brake pedal and the vehicle rolled backwards into a tree.

Yikes. Surely that must have awakened him?

Kelly was still asleep after striking the tree, police said.

Police did manage to awaken him, after which he was …

…charged with careless driving, driving while intoxicated and being under the influence of a controlled dangerous substance.

Either this was the worst bank robbery ever, or there’s something we don’t yet know. As reported by The Belleville [Illinois] News-Democrat:

[Jeffery C. Bell, 56, and Rita L. Bell, 58] entered Scott Credit Union, 648 Carlyle Ave., at about 10 a.m. Thursday and demanded money from a teller, who gave them an unidentified amount of cash out of the drawer, according to police.

So far, just your run-of-the-mill bank robbery.

Then the Bells went into the manager’s office and asked her to call police.

Say what?

Police responded to the credit union and arrested the Bells. No weapon was ever displayed or implied during the robbery.

Belleville Police Capt. John Moody did not know the pair’s relationship or why they requested the police be called. Asked whether he ever encountered a similar case, Moody said, “No, it’s the first. (But) I’ve seen all kinds of things.”

And to make it a little stranger …

Moody said the motive for the robbery, which coincided with Jeffery Bell’s birthday, was under investigation.

Happy birthday!

… both … were charged Friday with robbery, police said. Their bail was set at $70,000 each.

(1) If any person, who shall have previously become the natural parent of an illegitimate child within or without this state by coition within or without this state, shall again become the natural parent of an illegitimate child born within this state, he or she shall be guilty of a misdemeanor and, upon conviction thereof, shall be punished by imprisonment in the county jail for not less than thirty (30) days nor more than ninety (90) days or by a fine of not more than Two Hundred Fifty Dollars ($250.00), or both. A subsequent conviction hereunder shall be punishable by imprisonment in the county jail for not less than three (3) months nor more than six (6) months or by a fine of not more than Five Hundred Dollars ($500.00), or both. Provided, however, that for the purpose of this section, multiple births shall be construed to be the birth of one (1) child.

(2) The circuit court of the county in which said illegitimate child is born shall have jurisdiction of any action brought under this section. No male person shall be convicted solely on the uncorroborated testimony of the female person giving birth to the child.

Although words can cause a lot more pain than a physical injury, a 21-year-old man who called a woman “fat” might disagree. As reported by the Lincoln [Nebraska] Journal Star:

Police say a 24-year-old man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn’t like being called “fat.” Police spokeswoman Katie Flood said officers were called to a Lincoln hospital around 3:25 a.m. Wednesday to talk to the injured man.

Flood said officers later learned that the injured man and two others had been arguing with other people at the birthday party. Flood says the man told 21-year-old Anna Godfrey that she was fat.

Officers said Godfrey then tackled the man and took a bite.

And what about the ear?

Flood said the ear chunk was not found.

Zoinks. The charge?

Godfrey was arrested on suspicion of felony assault and remained in custody Wednesday.

The Juice has the utmost respect for police officers. But, just as there are lawyers who do bad things, such is the case with police officers too. But there are no dashboard cameras for lawyers… Unfortunately for this baton-wielding officer (see below, at the 15 second mark), his dashboard camera was up and running. He was subsequently fired, criminally charged, and convicted, which you can read about here.

It’s truly shocking that these guys were caught, what with such a great plan and all. As reported by the Columbia County, Florida Sheriff’s Office:

Deputy Sheriff Jesse Cieslik and Deputy Sheriff Will Porter were patrolling the area of East Duval Street. They encountered a subject driving a scooter on NE James Ave. The subject (Wayne Rieley) was carrying two truck tool boxes and two ladders. Deputies Cieslik and Porter approached the man on the scooter and discovered a second person (Paul Bullard) walking rapidly away. Both men were stopped for questioning. When the man on the scooter was approached by the Deputies, he threw the items off his scooter and stated that he “did not have anything to do with it”.

You mean with the stuff you just threw off your scooter, right in front of us? Doh!

Deputies determined that both men had stolen the tool boxes and ladders from the Hacker Sign Company on East Baya Ave. Suspect Bullard was recently fired from the Hacker Sign Company and knew where the items were being stored. The owner of the Hacker Sign Company responded to scene and took possession of the stolen property. The stolen items were estimated to be valued at over $500.00. Both suspects were arrested without incident and transported to the Columbia County Detention Facility.

While many police officers in the United States will arrest you for flipping them off, the courts have consistently held that doing so is protected by the First Amendment. There is nothing offering one such protection in Dubai, as an Iranian woman found out. As reported by gulfnews.com:

A businesswoman was sentenced to a month in jail for flashing her middle finger at two policemen after dining out with friends in a five-star hotel.

They said she had been drinking too. Her defense?

N.I. pleaded innocent claiming that she bit her nails and scratched her finger due to a skin disease that she suffers from when the policemen “confusingly thought she flashed her finger in their face”.

… and

The defendant claimed that she didn’t drink liquor and alleged that the food she had at the hotel was cooked in liquor.

Okay. Your evidence?

Sources close to the case told Gulf News that N.I. provided the court with a medical report confirming that she suffers from psoriasis.

The report said she remains under treatment because she suffers itchiness in her hands and legs.

And the prosecution?

Records said the policemen spotted N.I. jumping into the backseat of a car and flashed her middle finger in their face.

The policemen chased the vehicle that carried the defendant for two kilometres then asked the driver to follow them to the nearest police station.

N.I. was sent for examination. She tested positive for liquor.

Ma’am?

When asked about the findings, she said: “The liquor in my blood must have been there because the food at the hotel was cooked in liquor.”

What’s cooked is her goose. In addition to the 30 days in jail …

The court also fined N.I. Dh3,000 for consuming liquor and she will be deported after serving her term.

It will become readily apparent why you would not want this woman to look after your kid, though you might want her in the foxhole with you. As reported by wwl.com (New Orleans):

Investigators say 31-year-old New Orleans resident Brittany G. London (pictured above) is the woman who assaulted a security guard with a stun gun at the Esplanade Mall Saturday night.

According to police, London was in the Gymboree store in the mall with an infant in a stroller. When the guard confronted her after seeing London shoplifting, officials say the woman disabled the guard with a stun gun and fled in a gold Honda Accord, leaving the child behind.

Wo! But before you rush to judgment …

London was not the baby’s mother, and the child’s mother reportedly contacted authorities to get the child back after Child Protective Services took custody.

See, the baby wasn’t hers! So what’s all the fuss about? She was just babysitting. The charges?

London faces charges of Child Desertion, Aggravated Battery and Theft.

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