Finding Balance: a juggling act

A couple years ago I was asked, “What do you like to do?” I was stumped. What do I like to do? Well… My mind reeled for an answer. Finally I sputtered out something like “watch movies, scrapbook, bake, write…” Truth was, I really had no idea anymore. Watching movies usually meant sleeping through movies. Baking was not more than a simple banana or pumpkin bread for breakfast. And scrapbooking and writing hadn’t been done since I had become a mom.

I almost felt lost. Who was I?, I began to question. Two years ago my answer would have been, “I am Brad’s wife and mom to two little boys.” While I absolutely loved those titles, I couldn’t really answer who I was let alone what I liked to do. I often felt like I didn’t have time to do anything besides be Brad’s wife and Connor and Dylan’s mommy.

Sound familiar?

Today, however, my answer has changed. “I am Brad’s wife, Connor, Dylan and Ethan’s mommy, and a child of God. I like to decorate and work on DIY decorating projects. I like to get together with friends and cookout. I enjoy game nights, riding bikes, writing, watching movies, sunbathing, organizing my home. I love going on dates with my husband. I love tickling my little boys and doing crafts with them and reading to them.”

I can honestly say all those items are things I actually do now! Actually, many of them are items I have done for years. However, I was so caught up in my roles and my title that I forgot about what made me me. I forgot what I liked to do and the talents and uniqueness of me that I could contribute to our family. What I was really missing was balance.

Finding balance in your life means learning to balance three main elements:

Being a wife

Being a mom

Being me

A little over seven years ago, I recited these vows to my husband:

Brad, your patience is remarkable and so appreciated. You are quick to praise and slow to anger. You are a sweet, loving, and generous man, always giving from your heart. Your kind and gentle spirit make you so easy to love. Your friendship is sincere, your words truthful, and your heart overflowing with goodness.
. . .

I promise to love you, honor you, cherish you, be faithful to you, live with you, laugh with you, and dream with you. I promise to never take you for granted, to hold you when you need to be held, rejoice with you in your happiness…

Weddings are beautiful, joyous days filled with excitement (and nervousness) as two hearts and lives are about to become one. But the wedding is just one day. Marriage, on the other hand, is for a lifetime.

As I think back over our last seven years, there are countless ways I have failed Brad. There have been times when I have not respected and honored him as I had promised, when I have acted selfishly and put myself first, and there have been numerous heated arguments in our marriage. However, he is my husband. He is the man I made a covenant with before God, our families and friends. He is the man I chose to spend my life with, he became my family before we had children, and he will be the one I get to grow old with long after our boys are grown and gone.

As I re-read the vows I made, I was blinded by tears. I absolutely feel the same way about him now after our 3 years of dating and 7 years of marriage. So if one feels so strongly and intimately about their spouse, shouldn’t they be a priority? So often we moms think our first priority should be our children. I am without doubt guilty of this. They are tiny little people trying to understand this big crazy world around them, how it works, and who they are. They need us constantly for love and protection. Yet isn’t love and security also what we promised our spouse?

Our spouse is our person. They are the one in our corner. They are the one we should make our highest priority here on this earth. That doesn’t allow him to leave dirty socks in the middle of the kitchen floor, but it does mean we need to set aside specific, uninterrupted time with just him.

For Brad and I, our marriage works best when we can communicate about an issue before it ever becomes an issue. Of course, I would love to sit and talk feelings with him for hours, but truth is, just talking with him is good for us. Brad is a quiet individual. He listens, I talk. Getting away from our everyday routine though, is a good break for us and allows us to communicate on other things than “how were the kids today?” Just sharing some tidbit of info you found interesting on the radio may spark a totally different conversation. I still learn new things about Brad by listening to what gets his attention and interests him.

So take some time to just be with your spouse. Spend time together doing something you both enjoy. Take a walk. Play a game. Go out to dinner just the two of you. Or go on a picnic together. Make it one-on-one face time where you can talk and feel free to be that fun, young woman your husband fell in love with. I asked Brad one night as just he and I were sitting around our campfire if our life was what he had envisioned when we met. He said, “No, I wanted to wine and dine you more.” He went on to say how much he enjoys the life we made, but he would like to take me out more. (At that, I went and got my heels on and ran to the car! Ha ha!) Truth is, just hearing him say that gave me a glimpse of where his heart is and once again showed me his desire to just be with me. Do that for your spouse. Speak your love for him in both words and actions. It doesn’t have to big, but let him know he is still your one.

Back when I was a new mommy, I was so nervous. Was I doing what everyone expected of me? Am I going to be a good mom? Am I doing this right? I was paranoid of all the things that everyone told me could possibly happen to this precious baby boy. And most of my time was devoted to that one little person I was now responsible for.

With baby #2, I was just tired. I had an 18 ½ month old and a newborn. Nights were filled with feedings, mornings came too early, there was even more laundry, and now I had a very active toddler to follow around! (Yawn!)

So I laugh when I say that we had to have a third child to get this parenting thing right. In other words, I’m now used to the responsibilities mommyhood brings and I’ve calmed down enough to really enjoy this stage of life (well, most days).

My three little guys are little rays of sunshine to my days. I cannot imagine having a better job than being their mommy. Nothing satisfies me more than holding one of my little loves close and just breathing them in. Their little smiles bring such joy to my heart. I melt hearing the “I love you, Mommy” that comes when we are doing an activity together that they are enjoying, when they feel safe and secure, and when they are wanting some extra cuddle time.

At the same time, being a mom never stops. There is always a squabble over toys to break up, a mouth that needs fed, a bottom that needs wiped, a scrape that needs kissed. There are toys scattered across the floor. There are laying-on-the-floor-in-Target screaming fits that need to be handled. There is food in little blonde heads of hair and markers on hands. It can be exhausting. (And this is doesn’t include the ensuing housework that follows our activities.)

The point is that just because I am with these three beautiful boys 24/7… just because my days typically revolve around playing with them, teaching them, feeding them, exploring with them, tucking them in, comforting them… just because they still require lots of help and attention… doesn’t mean I can’t be myself.

Our children should never question our desire and love for them. They should never feel second to anything. But if we make them our whole world, when they go off to college and the house is empty, will you know who you are? Will you and your spouse still be as in love as you were when you wrote your vows?

The best thing you can do for both you and your children is to share your interests with them. Do you love crafts? Let them help you make a project. Are you a reader? Sit and read a chapter book together. Let them help you in the garden. Let them see a different side of mommy than just the one who runs after them all the time. Kids love to learn. By including them in your hobbies, you are giving them hands-on exposure to new experiences which will help them find their own interests.

Plus, I want my boys to know me. Not only do I want them to know how much I love being their mommy, I want them to know who I really am, to know how much I love their Daddy, to see me live out my faith, to see that it is okay to be your own person, and to know how much I love this life we are journeying through together.

Taking time for me sounds glorious doesn’t it? We often treat this concept like a whimsical, fairy-tale idea that would happen in “the perfect world”. The truth is, we need it to happen regularly.

Realistically “Me Time” does not entail a trip to the spa, getting pampered with pedicures, or being whisked away for wining and dining. The “Me Time” I’m talking about is just some solitude or doing something you love. Allow yourself a few minutes to breathe and some time to reflect on you, on what energizes you, on what restores you, on what you need to get built back up.

When it was asked of him, “”Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matt 22:36-39)

How can we love ourselves if we don’t know who we are? How can we fully love our families if we aren’t loving ourselves?

Honestly, the days I’m tired, stressed, over-committed and overwhelmed are not the happiest days in our house for my boys, for Brad, and even me. What has worked for us and for my sanity, was joining a gym with childcare. The boys get to play for two hours while I join in a workout class, lift weights, relax in the lounge, or take a shower by myself! Not only am I helping myself get exercise, lose weight, and get fit, but I am also coming away a better mom. I need that little bit of time for me, to clear my head, to de-stress and to return to my babies with a renewed energy. I have to be honest, I have never loved exercising, but I am learning to… partially because most days it’s the only “me” time I get, but also because I took time to do something good for myself.

Sometimes the gym isn’t a feasible option and that’s okay. Just take care of you. Some days holding Ethan a few extra minutes during his naptime and staring into his beautiful face helps melt away the chaos of the morning. Or eating a quiet lunch by myself after the boys are down for their naps helps me. In the summer I love to sit on the patio and enjoy the fresh air (without someone yelling, “Mommy, look what I can do!” as they perform a daredevil stunt on the playset). Some of my girlfriends have a special cup of afternoon coffee as a pick me up treat. Whatever you need to feel good about you… do it (well, as long as it’s not indulging in a whole tub of ice cream)!

Just as important as taking care of ourselves physically and mentally, is feeding ourselves spiritually. Sit down and take time to bask in the beautiful person you are. Drink in what God says about you in His word. He perfectly and wonderfully made you to be a child of the most high king. He loves you unconditionally… even in times when it feels like you’ve failed, during those moments when you are overwhelmed, when you’re having a rough day, He is there to pick you up. It is His love and his strength that helps us love — love our neighbors, love ourselves, and even our own families.

Moms, balance is a constant struggle. Just when I think I’m starting to get this whole wife-mom-me thing figured out, life pitches me a lemon to knock me off my pedestal. It’s what I choose to do with that lemon that matters. Am I going to allow myself to feel overwhelmed singing the ol’ boo-hoo-woe-is-me song or am I going to take that lemon, grab the lemon that was pitched at me yesterday, and the one from the day before and start juggling? It’s a balancing act that only gets better with practice.

Your challenge today is to make a list of your favorite things. What is your favorite way to relax? What is your favorite meal? What do you really enjoy doing with your children? What is an activity you would like to do with your spouse? Sit down with your husband and share your list with him. Ask him to help you think of creative ways for you to achieve more of that balance that you are longing for. By doing this, you are already making strides in all three areas!

Keep up the good work, moms! I hope you know how wonderful you are!What ideas do you have to find balance in your life?

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Comments

This post is beautiful and so helpful for me as a young mom with two littles!! It’s easy for me to think that my children come first because they “need” me more, but I want to prioritize my marriage. Also, the encouragement to take time to do things we enjoy is so valuable! I may check into getting a gym membership so I can work out uninterrupted! Blessings to you!!

Thank you, Ruby! It is a constant struggle to remember the order of priorities (God, hubby, kids, and incorporating “me” somewhere in the midst) when we have little ones that need our constant attention and help. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever get it quite right, but I sure am trying!

BTW… if possible, definitely get that gym membership! Even if I don’t work out, I will still go to the YMCA to use the childcare while I sit in the lounge and blog. Two hours of no one needing me is absolutely a blessing for my sanity some days. You will feel revived and come out a better momma just by getting a little time to yourself!

It’s very important to remember that we’re not just a mom – but we’re not just a wife or partner, either. We’re still US – the woman that we were before getting married. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling a longing to get back that person…. It just means we’ve sacrificed more than we should.

I remember my mom cutting out everything in her life, to take care of my dad, and us. I hated as I grew older, that she kept sacrificing anything she wanted, and never taking care of herself. I wanted her to be who she wanted to really be.

Never let the love of the spouse overtake yourself – or the needs of your kids. That’s my advice to any newlyweds. It’s important, like you say, to honor your husband, but not if it doesn’t honor yourself or your kids 🙂

Although I’m not a mom, I still juggle a lot. It can be tough but prayer above everything else helps me to refocus and reach a sense of calm to figure things out. A schedule… I need one of those ASAP! When I have one and keep to it, I’m golden.

Balance is definitely a difficult thing to find when you’re a wife and mom. I homeschool my two boys, so it can be very hard to make time for myself too. I’ve tried to schedule a half hour minimum of “quiet time” so I can have a few minutes of peace each day, but somehow it doesn’t work out very often! 🙂

I enjoyed this post! I am struggling with finding balance right now. I also just joined a gym with childcare. It has been so nice to have time to exercise and know that my son is being taken care of. We’re in the process of moving, and so our days don’t have a schedule yet. I’m longing for the normalcy and balance!

Finding balance in my life has always been a struggle. I think setting my schedule to work on ‘off hours’ aka when family is asleep or otherwise engaged helps me keep my focus on them when I am with them rather than on work.
Since being a mom I must admit I neglect my husband more than before but I do make time to let him know his worth and greatness in my eyes. He is my best friend.

So much encouragement and comfort written here. I especially love the 3rd point, “being me”. That seems to always be my trouble spot. I ALWAYS neglect myself. Thank you for the reminder and the homework challenge! 🙂

Finally had time to read it! This is great advice, and something so many women need to hear. I’m past the stage where I have to meet children’s physical and other needs constantly, so the “me” part is a little easier now. The one that I try to remind women about is to be their husband’s wife, no matter what stage of life they’re in. For some reason it’s so easy to let that one slide.

Very good post! As a full-time single mom for the last 9 years, I have not really had “Me” time… Happily, my daughter’s father now takes her every other weekend so I have time for myself. It’s quite recent so, I just enjoy this time to relax or go shopping “all alone”!!

You’ve made me put things into perspective again. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in everything, your marriage, your children you miss the point of it all in trying to rush through the day and just accomplish everything you can. Thanks for a great reminder and a wonderfully written post.

I struggle with the balancing act every day! Mom, wife, me. I had some of those same thoughts that you did about finding myself. It is so easy to get wrapped up in tasks and duties and forget to take time for yourself. I try to take an hour or half hour to sit and relax without a to-do list in hand or my cellphone. I have also been trying to spend time with my husband without my laptop nearby. Great post and insights. Visiting from Commentathon.

Hey there! I just wanted to let you know that one of our co-hosts from The PINcentive Blog Hop chose you as a winner! Congrats! This was an excellent post; I actually left you a previous comment on it :o) As a winner, your content will be featured this week and pinned a minimum of 31 times by my team members! I would also love for you to co-host this week’s hop which means you’ll get to choose a winner for week 3 also. Since I’m under a rather tight deadline (with the week 3 going live on Monday night at 11:00PM EST), please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss.

I love this post and the way that it is organized! As a mom, I feel pulled often in a million directions. But I love how you point out that it’s also easy to neglect those three most important areas of our lives…

This is an amazing post and very relatable! After having my little one 3 years ago, I have been struggling to figure out who I am (you know, other than my little one’s mom and my husband’s wife). It’s been a little discouraging. Finding balance has been difficult for me, but I’ve been better at it lately. My main concern is being a mom and wife without losing myself in the process. I think it’s okay to want to be more than a mom and wife. I know some people that wouldn’t agree with this or think that giving your time to things/people outside your family is wrong, but you can’t help the way you feel. I don’t think that any one person’s way of thinking is right or wrong; we just have to remember to respect each other’s differences.

Thanks so much for linking up to The PINcentive Blog Hop and I hope you’re enjoying the weekend :o)

Finding balance does seem to be the challenge that most people struggle with! There are so many things pulling us in so many different directions that it’s very easy to lose yourself. I’m trying to find a way to balance it all myself!

I agree with your post so much. Finding balance as a wife,mother and yourself is so hard. I only have one child but figuring out my roles and what is important to me has been tough.
Blogging has been a great way for me to start to figure out my passions and what is important to me.

finding balance is such a struggle! I especially like what you’ve said about sharing your interests with them. kids love to be a part of our interests! it’s really important to stay true to yourself. I get often annoyed when wives/mums scratch “I” from their vocabulary and only speak as “we”.

Me time is extremely important – I’m glad you were able to balance all your roles so well. 🙂

My me time generally involves me and a book, or a long walk in the evening. Spending time with the husband, I find, is as important as giving him space and also taking an occasional break when things get crazy.

This is really funny that you ask this question because that’s kind of what the monthly reader question for Real Simple magazine is this month. I was going to submit my answer to the mag, but I think I will put it here instead.

I think the secret to a balanced life is found when you acknowledge the importance of completing your daily responsibilities while still seizing the opportunities that allow you to relax, reflect, laugh, connect with others, and have fun.

Also, having ‘me’ time is a must, because without it – it’s easy to lose yourself in the lives of others.

I’m sure everyone questions whether they are doing things right when they are first a parent. No one has the magic answer and everyone is different.
I’m really glad you block off some time for yourself, unfortunately too many people don’t do that.
Good article.

After having twins when my son was only 2, then caring for an elderly parent, I’ve really learned the lesson to put myself first. So I do that every week–I schedule ME time on my calendar, even if it just means sitting in quiet, reading, or going for a walk. I also put some social time in each week because seeing my friends helps me relax and put things back in perspective. That helps me be a better mom and wife for the rest of the chaotic week.

It is refreshing to see a mother taking the time to really be a mother and wife. You are a lucky woman to spend so much time with your children. Before you know it they are gone and on thier own. Enjoy them while they are with you. You and your husband will have all the time in the world to spend each and every minute going down memory lane about what they did and did not do. You will never spoil them by loving them. You go Girl!

Wow, reading this I felt as if it were written about me. I, too, have been married 7 years, and we have 3 girls. For such a long time, I lost who I was. After the birth of our 3rd child I rediscovered me. She really brought a sense of completeness to our lives. I now make a conscious effort to make myself a priority. How can I take care of anyone else if I can’t take care of myself?!

I love that line, “With baby #2, I was just tired.” That’s me! My oldest was 15 months when my son was born and for a few months all we did was survive! I can really relate to your post and thank you for sharing. I’ve been thinking about joining a gym with child care for some time now, but just can’t seem to find a way to justify the cost (or fit it into the budget). I used to go to the gym every day before I had kids.. nothing major, just some walking and light lifting, but it was so rejuvinating for me. Maybe I’ll have to really think about fitting it in somehow.

LOVE this post. I agree that wife, mom, me need to be balanced. I think what stood out to me most though, was your comment about ‘it’s what you do with the lemons’. This is how I choose to live my life… I lost my first-born triplet Carter, after 49 days. His surviving brother and sister are 21months now. We have celebrated that he lived, instead of mourning that he is gone. I blog, I’m an author now, I speak at events, I work with other moms who have lost children, etc. We are making his days, however short, mean something, and that’s a HUGE lemon! 🙂

I remember when someone first said to me that your husband should be your first priority over your children. I was shocked and couldn’t have disagreed more. Over the years I have realized this is the way it should be. Your husband will be your partner and have your back forever.

It does seem shocking, doesn’t it? The idea that these tiny helpless little people should play second fiddle to the fully grown and capable big people. But the best thing a parent can do for their children is to love (or at least respect) the other parent. Only that way will the children feel secure and learn what healthy relationship looks like.

I think its good to evaluate oneself and one’s purpose in life every once in a while. It gives you new perspectives, new challenges and a drive to shake up things a bit 🙂 But i think it also takes tremendous strength to do this… I admire the depth with which you handled your thoughts 🙂

Balance is always a struggle. We are empty nesters and I always thought that after the kids were gone we would accomplish that a bit better and “find our identity again”. LOL, not true. The only thing I know is that my identity is in Christ. After that…?

Love the idea of writing a list with your spouse and really focusing on restoring balance. It can be tough sometimes to forget the little things that make us tick and help us enjoy life. I always try and make time for the things I truly love and involve my family as well.

It’s so true. It’s easy to lose yourself when your try to put everyone’s needs first. After all, isn’t that what a good wife/mother/friend does? I appreciate your post because it makes us realize that we need to take time to cherish ourselves, too. I know this was a challenge for me when the kids were really young. I gave up a career I loved to stay home with them, but I still crammed in freelance work in the wee hours of the night while they slept. I felt perpetually depleted. Now that they’re in school, I focus on the writing I want to pursue. I want them to know that it’s important to have passions and talents and interests, and it’s important to pursue goals. Yes, I still drop everything when they come home to help with homework and run them to activities, but at least I have that window of time during the day to work on my goals. Great post!

Can I just say that I loved LOVED this post!! It’s so refreshing to know that there are others who are going through the same exact issues as you are. I can say that dealing with all of the roles have been very challenging to me as even now, I am still learning how to make sure no one is left out. Reading about how you deal with it has given me some insight on things I can do just to remind my husband that I have not forgotten about him. Thanks for sharing 🙂

Now that my two are older, I don’t struggle with this as much but I still have to make myself slow down and take care of me. That is just part of our SuperMom mentality, isn’t it?

I home educate my youngest who this year is taking high school courses and getting involved in SO many activities and I am trying to work at home part time along with being a homemaker and commitment to lots o’ things.

Here is the mental questioning I have learned to go through each day to keep me on track so that I don’t run down and become even more NUTS than normal.

1. Did I start my day off with special time with the Lord?
2. How can I eat in the most healthy way today?
3. What type of exercise or movement can I squeeze in?
4. What HAS to be done today–let me write those down…..
5. What time should I get to bed tonight to get proper rest?
6. How can I bless my family and others today?

Well..that mad3 me teary. You sound like a wonderful wife and a mom. I loved how you praised your spouse and showed respect for him. Not many of us can do that. I have also been through that realizing myself for who i really am phase. I felt hurt and sad at times being just a wife and a mother, then I took some jobs and classes and realized soon that happiness is not always in proving who I am but enjoying and embracing who became for the best reasons. 🙂

My husband realized that I needed a day each week to myself. With his parents’ recent retirement, he arranged for my youngest to spend a day with her grandparents while our older children are in school. Though I’ve only had half a day to myself due to a power outage at school, I felt so refreshed after a morning where I wasn’t interrupted or had to talk. Taking time to rest and just be is sounding like a great school year. Thank you for pouring out herself.

I know when my daughters were small I had trouble with my title and my role as a mother and wife. I allow being a mother completely consume me and take over my identity. Then I threw in my role as a student and started feeling stressed and overwhelmed. It took years for me to figure it all out and part of that was leaving law school because my daughters felt neglected.

I enjoyed your post and can totally relate to it. The other day I was feeling so exhausted and anxious and I thought about what I actually do for myself during the day and my mind went blank. I’m thinking about using the gym more too. I think that is a great idea. Thanks!