I used to think I thrived on chaos. Go with the flow. Roll with the punches. Turn the other cheek. Wait, that doesn’t work. But you get the point. I had myself fooled into thinking I was flexible.

I am not the most flexible person. I am someone who likes to be on-time. I hate being late. I hate it when people I know are late. I especially hate it when someone calls me to say they’re late when they’re *already* late.

Being home with the kids has been a challenge for my rigid needs. It is very very difficult to have all children ready in a reasonable amount of time. It is even harder to get anything done when you stay home all day long. Everything can be put off. That sounds liberating, right? Instead, it’s stifling! I can’t stand it! It makes me a grouch!

So I need to get off the damn couch and create some sort of routine. Right now, it consists of:

Not much of a routine, right? I need to make time to exercise a little. To have a teeny bit of structured play time with the kids (I am not that gungho about that one since they are better at teaching themselves, honestly). To have a dinner plan before lunch. I don’t need to do any of this because someone else thinks it’s necessary. If you knew me, you’d know I think most advice like that is bunk. You do what works for you. I know I need more structure than I have.

So another goal for me to tackle is setting up some kind of flexible routine. Not a strict schedule. That doesn’t work with three small little ones. But having a plan always makes me feel calmer. Less anxious. And maybe less reliant on medication. Yes. Hopefully.

Literally, I know that oral and heart health are, in fact, connected. When you don’t take care of your mouth, your body isn’t in as good shape. I take that pretty seriously and go to the dentist regularly.

I actually enjoy going to the dentist. I love how smooth my teeth feel after a cleaning. I love the smug feeling of a good checkup. I love having excellent dental insurance–thank you to Ryan’s company for that one. I understand when people don’t have the funds to take care of their teeth–it can be very expensive–but I do not understand it when those with resources refuse to see a dentist regularly. I mean, you get a free toothbrush! And floss! And toothpaste!

One added benefit of a cleaning is that I get a few moments to be a vegetable. Nothing to do except close my mouth on the suction thingy every now and then. I can watch television while the hygienist works (two problems with that. Do we always need TV? and why are hygienists always women? and dentists always dudes? that’s three, I guess. another time). I laughed when I read a book last year that suggested scheduling doctor appointments when you need a break from the kids, but I would say it’s totally right! I walked out feeling ready to take on the rest of the day. Very important today when Ryan isn’t going to be home until after the kids are in bed.

So next time you’re feeling a bit down and overwhelmed. Get your teeth cleaned. Have a mole removed. Schedule a physical. Your body AND mind will thank you.

I’ve learned this week that not getting the house in order is OK. I’m still working on it, but just getting *ready* to get things straight is helping my attitude. Wearing a little makeup. Having my hair blown straight. Flossing regularly. I don’t feel like such a louse even if the baby is demanding to be nursed almost all day.

But what comes next? I got an email from Career Builder with 10 jobs that I could easily take, although I won’t assume I would easily be offered, so should I go back to work? Has this whole process been a little too quick and easy?

No. I don’t think so yet. Not even close.

This month’s Vanity Fair features an article on the Twilight star Robert Pattinson. He complains a lot about all the press he receives. Having a beer at a bar in peace is a challenge. Although he admits to how ridiculous it is to complain about fame, he feels most concerned by the people who claim to know all about him. How is that possible when he doesn’t even know himself?

That got me thinking about whether I know myself very well at all. What makes me tick? What bums me out? I have announced in public that I don’t give a rat’s about what people think about me. That. Is. Bunk. Though I do feel much more comfortable in my own skin at age 30 than I did at 18, that doesn’t say much considering how outrageously UNcomfortable I was as a teenager and young adult.

So what do I do about this? I think for now that I’m just going to make a concerted effort to observe my own behavior closely. When am I most relaxed? When am I biting my nails like crazy? And when do I regret my knee-jerk reactions? My life is not a tragedy, but maybe a little deliberate living will help it become as happy as I’d like.

Since May 30, 2010, I’ve been a stay-at-home mother to my children. At the time, I had two daughters Katie and Winslow, waiting for the arrival of their brother Drew. Is this blog to document all of our everyday activities? Nah, I do that somewhere else. And the world really doesn’t need another dull, SAHM blog.

So I’m hoping to contribute something different. Which means lots of people have done it before, and I’ve deluded myself into thinking I’m unique. I don’t care, though. I haven’t seen one like this yet.

What I’m going to tackle is a deeper issue than the daily grind of childcare. Instead, I’m here to work on ME.

In a nutshell, I’ve been miserable the past 9 months. Almost every day feels like the one before. Sometimes my husband Ryan is around. The majority he is not. Some days end in tears, others do not. But overall, I’m lonely, crabby, and completely under-stimulated.

And it’s all my fault.

So rather than wallow in my silly sorrows, I’m going to face them head on and do something about them. I don’t have a time frame for when I’ll finally feel better (a year is so…so…blog-turned-movie/book/Oprah interview), but I’ll know when I’m there, hopefully.

And if it gets to where I’m *never* at that happy place, I’m making a drastic change. I’m going back to work.