Monday, April 13, 2015

Nothing

I was talking with my co-worker today about life. I was
saying how I needed another job and she was mentioning when she had two jobs
she was tired all the time, I said I didn’t care about that, I just needed money.
She asked if I had graduated college (I have) and if I ever wanted to move away
from here. I told her I didn’t want to move out of my comfort level, but that’s
not the whole story, basically I am where I am because I don’t care. Some days
I feel like I’m just going through the motions, I work because I need the
money. I don’t have any aspirations or dreams or goals. I just don’t care. I
guess there are moments like when I helped a patron the other day to navigate
the bus system to get where she was going, I feel a sense of pride when I do
that, but those times seem very few and far between and even though I know
people are grateful for my help, I’m sure they forget about me once they’ve
gotten what they need.

I used to want to create art for a living, I know I’m good
at it, but lately, I don’t create anything unless I need to. For a swap, or a
birthday, or a holiday coming up. I just don’t have anything to make me want to
create anymore.

I like being at work, because I’m not in my head, I have to
focus on work, but I find myself getting more annoyed with co-workers and
things that they do lately, or things that they don’t do. I feel bored a lot at
home because I don’t have anything to stretch my mind.

My mother asked if I had any plans for the summer the other
day, and I said no, and then she asked what some exciting plans would be and I didn’t
have an answer. I do want to try new things, but there’s not much exciting
here. I am going to an international food fair next week, but after that, there’s
nothing around here to do. There’s nothing that really makes me very happy
lately.