Dating AND Texting

Anyone who knows me well, knows I have a bad luck dating history. But, for whatever reason, the advice I’ve given has worked for my girlfriends. Therefore, as I said in my previous post, I was going to provide my new friends with some guidelines and rules when it comes to dating and texting. Now, as a habitual seeker of love -however unsuccefully- I have stumbled upon some things that are just a NO – GO when it comes to dating. I gotta say, first of all, dating me is tough anyway. A secure guy is a MUST because I have my ass all over the damn Internet! Lol But add to that my drive to become bigger and better, constantly working on my next project, oh and this little blogging habit I’ve got going on… Well, I’m probably destined a spinster for life! But, that doesn’t mean you guys have to suffer, right? I can help you find your dreamboat; whoever he may be! (Or she. Mind you fellas, this post will be more for the ladies-catch you guys on the flip side)

So, let’s do this:

Rule #1Sorry, I no speak text. Never answer a text to go out on a date. This should be a no brainer but some of you heffas get so excited a dude asked you out, you jump at it like a sausage cake just slapped you in the forehead. Knock it off! Even a monkey can dial a phone, so you should be requiring him to call! Your worth it!

Rule #2Confirming Your Date. Make sure he confirms the night before AND when he’s on his way to where you are going to meet. Nothing is more rude than not confirming the date! If he is more able-bodied than a turnip then he can pick up the phone, call you, and give you the courtesy that he is definitely going to meet you, and is on his way. Respect yourself enough ladies to require a man to act properly! If a man doesn’t confirm our date, I won’t go. Period.

Rule #3 The “Hey” Text. Seriously… this has to be the most annoying text of all that a guy can send us, am I right ladies? If he’s dating you, texting, “Hey,” is just insulting. Don’t “Hey” me. I’m not your buddy, homie, friend. I’m a motha f**n PRINCESS! Call me if you want to say “Hey.” Have a dialogue for goodness sake.

Rule #4 The Text Potato. So, then there’s the guy I like to call, The Text Potato. The Text Potato is the guy who thinks he’s got you all figured out and now he can do less. If he can do it remotely, like via text, he will. (similarly, watching tv on the couch surfing with the remote. Get it?) And believe me, if he can think it, he will most likely try it. Oh… no, no, no. Shake up your Text Potato with some garlic and parmesan! Make him work for you, you’re his Queen! He needs to know he can’t remotely access you so easily.

Rule #5Walmart is 24hrs. Not me. If a guy texts you after 9pm, forget it. Don’t respond to it. Its says your available for booty. You have no other plans. And, that you have quite possibly been waiting by the phone for his call… or rather his lazy ass text. As far as I’m concerned, a text that comes in after 9pm never happened. Let him text the available “ho” instead. You dodged a bullet and your self esteem will remain in tact!

Listen, this isn’t the end all/be all of rules. Adjust accordingly. That being said, I will say, this applies to dating. Not necessarily your friends, ex-boyfriends (which I treat way worse – they had their chance – bugger off jerks), sisters, brothers cousin and most definitely, do not treat your mother this way. She powdered your booty! Plus, she’ll probably whoop your butt so call her back right away!

Granted, I have learned these lessons the hard way! And have made many, many mistakes. These are just a few rules to get you started and weed through the bulls***. Don’t reward bad behavior. You are a diamond. You are a goddess. Hold out for the guy that shows exemplary behavior because, HE, will be the one that deserves your greatness! And men/guys/boys, don’t email (OR TEXT) me all upset that your girl dumped you. Instead, take peek at how you treated her…you may have deserved it. *shrugs