When Does Flirting Become Cheating? 9 Red Flags

Below:

Next story in Science

Playful bantering or gentle flirting with someone outside of your
marriage is harmless if proper boundaries remain intact,
according to psychologist Michael Brickey, author of "Defying
Aging," and many other relationship experts. Those boundaries
differ with each relationship, of course. What would be
considered a violation in one marriage might be perfectly
acceptable for another couple. Difference of opinions even occur
within a marriage.

For example, I know a woman who recently asked her husband to
either give her his Facebook password or close out his account
after she found an email that he had sent to a former classmate
that she found to be rather suggestive. He disagreed and thought
it was perfectly appropriate.

Social media sites and online interaction are pushing this issue
to dinner tables across the country — much more so than in the
past. Katherine Hertlein, a licensed marriage and family
therapist interviewed by Discovery News, explains,
"You don't actually recognize that you're growing closer to
someone on the Internet because it just looks like you're
having a conversation, and that's why I think it could be
really seductive in some ways."

Hertlein believes that cyber cheating is especially appealing to
women because they can get their emotional needs met behind a
computer in the comfort of their home. However, many polls
indicate that seemingly harmless online friendships often develop
into intense emotional and physical affairs that can devastate
marriages. Recent research has indicated that
online cheating usually leads to physical encounters.

So, when does flirting cross that invincible line from innocent
bantering to dangerous dialogue? After researching the topic and
talking to a few family therapists, I pulled together the
following 9 red flags.

1. When it's secretive.

If you are deleting your emails — either to her or from her —
that's a red flag. Because by deleting them, you are guessing
that your spouse would be upset if she read them, and that you
are covering up something. Moreover, ask yourself this question:
"How would I feel if I knew my wife (or husband) was
corresponding to an attractive man in the way I talk to X?" If
you feel an uncomfortable knot in your stomach upon answering
that question, there you go.

This isn't always obvious, of course. But if you notice that your
correspondence with this person feeds
your sexual fantasies (because an affair is often
about sexual fantasy ), then you are probably in dangerous
waters. If the communications consist of subtle sexual overtones,
watch out. If it feels like foreplay in anyway, that’s not good.

3. If you're spending a considerable amount of time
talking to him (her).

According to marriage therapist Allyson P., a person needs to
consider not only the content of the messages sent back
and forth but also the amount of them. For example, if
you are emailing a "friend" 15 times a day, that's a tad extreme,
even if the content is about SpongeBob Squarepants. A friend of
mine confessed to me that she would spend two hours every night
on Facebook chatting with an online buddy until she realized that
was more time than she was spending with her husband.

4. If you are rationalizing.

"He is just a friend," is a statement that you don't say to
yourself when you're involved in innocent communication. Do you
feel the need to justify a very safe friendship? No. It's obvious
to you and to your mate that the companionship is completely
appropriate. However, you may very well be investing in an unsafe
friendship if you are constantly wrestling with guilt or feel the
need to rationalize.

5. If it's meeting your personal needs.

If you are getting your intimacy needs met in an online
relationship or with a co-worker with whom you playfully banter,
you might stop to ask yourself why. Be especially careful if
you’re sharing intimate sentiments with that person that you
don’t share with your husband, or if you feel like your online
companion understands you in a way that your spouse doesn't. Be
on guard if you are getting fed in any way by him or her that you
don't at home.

It's disrespectful to share intimate details about your marriage
or your spouse, and especially in a discourteous manner or with a
flip attitude. Imagine that your wife was overhearing your entire
conversation. Would you still say it?

You have just won a red flag if a husband or wife has expressed
disapproval of your communications with X, because it usually
means that either the content of the correspondence or the amount
of it is off balance—that the interaction isn't totally
appropriate, or the time spent talking (online or offline) with
the person is distracting from family life.

8. If your friend voices concern.

Pay attention if a good friend asks you why you are talking about
this person so much, or if she says something like, "Wake up. You
are married. He is married. You need to focus on what you have
and stop obsessing about what you don't." Friends, sisters, and
mothers can often identify the red flags before a person is
willing to recognize them herself.

9. If your intentions are wrong.

Let's say your wife is constantly knocking you down, nagging at
you, telling you to lose 20 pounds because she didn't intend to
marry a beached whale. The natural, or at least easy,
thing to do is to find an attractive woman who will feed your ego
and tell you that you’re sexy, funny, smart, and so on. Some
folks may unconsciously seek out an admirer to get their spouse
to take notice of them. It can be effective! But it's also
manipulative. There are healthier ways to increase your self-esteem and regain the power that
you have lost in your own home.