Please make remarks my mistakes. ^^ Topic : Art and music class should be required in young children's school like science and math class.

Please make remarks my mistakes. ^^ Topic : Art and music class should be required in young children's school like science and math class.

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Mar 31, 2012 15:16

I am a studentwhoisstudyingTOEFL.So, I hopetogetproductivecriticisms. ^^Particularly, logic, example.

Itisevidenceinourcurrentsocietyartandmusicclasseshavetremendousimportanceinourlives. SomepeoplethinkthatScienceandMathclassesaremoreimportant. I however, I believethatArtandMusicclassesareindispensibleinourentirelife. Thereareseveralreasonsthat I coulddiscusstosupportdiscussion, so I willlimitmydiscussiontothetwothat I feelarethemostrelevanttothistopic. First, itisgoodforourcreative. Also, itisnecessaryforourhealth.

Please make remarks my mistakes. ^^ Topic : Art and music class should be required in young children's school like science and math class.

Please comment on my mistakes. ^^ Topic : Art and music class should be required in young children's school like science and math class.

Particularly, logic, example.

Particularly regarding logic and examples.

It is evidence in our current society art and music classes have tremendous importance in our lives.

It is evident in our current society that art and music classes have a tremendous importance in our lives.

Some people think that Science and Math classes are more important.

Some people think that science and math classes are more important.

School subjects don't need capital letters.

I however, I believe that Art and Music classes are indispensible in our entire life.

I However, I believe that art and music classes are indispensible for our entire lives.

There are several reasons that I could discuss to support discussion, so I will limit my discussion to the two that I feel are the most relevant to this topic.

There are several reasons that I could discuss to support discussion, but I will limit my discussion to the two that I feel are the most relevant to this topic.

"But" is better for showing the contrast between "several" and "just 2."

First, it is good for our creative.

First, studyingart and music is good for our creativity.

This is stronger than "it", to focus on your essay subject."Creativity" is the noun form.

First of all, the most important reason for my thinking this way is that it is easier to become a successful professional.

First of all, the most important reason for my thinking this way is that it is easier to become a successful professional.

Again, you could use a more exact wording to make your writing clearer.

If people take these art classes, they will be able to obtain a method of creative thinking which is essential to succeed in the workplace.

If people take these art classes, they will be able to obtain a method of creative thinking which is essential to later succeed in the workplace.

Remember to focus on children for this essay topic. It would be good to say "If children take these art classes..." and give an example about children first.

A really good example can be seen in Steve Jobs, I read online that Jobs, transformed his company into the most profitable information technology enterprises in the world.

A really good example can be seen in Steve Jobs.I read online that Jobs, transformed his company into the most profitable information technology enterprises in the world.

In one of his interview he said that when he was university students, He took calligraphy classes to learn unique character.

In one of his interview he said that when he was a university students, he took calligraphy classes to learn unique character.

By taking these courses, he was taught many ideas of image and art.

By taking these courses, he was taught many ideas about image and art.

As a result, he was able to create many hit products, such as iPhone, iPad, which are the most successful electronic products.

As a result, he was able to create many hit products, such as the iPhone and iPad, which are the most successful electronic products.

This example clearly shows that art classes lead people’s creative thought because of the success it entails.

This example clearly shows me that art classes help people’s creative thinking because of the success it entails.

Also, another reason for my feeling this way is that Students receive a substantial amount of stress.

Also, another reason for my feeling this way is that students receive a substantial amount of stress.

Students in high school are stressed out because of the tremendous workload which they have to cope with.

Students in high school are stressed out because of the tremendous workload which they have to cope with.

The essay topic says "young children," so it may be better to give an example of elementary and middle school pupils, more than high school students.

If they don’t have a chance to learn art and music, they will not be able to enjoy their school lives which may lead to health problems.

If they don’t have a chance to learn art and music, they will not be able to enjoy their school lives, which in turn may lead to health problems.

A recent article I read on Korean Herald revealed some interesting findings.

A recent article I read in the Korean Herald revealed some interesting findings.

Just last year, my uncle, Tom had ulcer because a lot of calculus homework.

Just last year, my uncle also had an ulcer because of a lot of calculus homework.

Wow, is your uncle a student? Is he younger than you??

This is because he was not able to have a time to refresh himself and relieve stress with friends.

This is because he was not able to have a time to refresh himself or relieve stress with friends.

"Stress with friends" may sound like the friends are causing his stress.

This example is a clear indicator that students need art and music class for their health because not doing so cause too much stress.

This example is a clear indicator to me that students need art and music class for their health, because not doing so causes too much stress.

Really good writing, Hoon!! ^___^ You've done very well with structure, clear points, examples, vocabulary and grammar. :) Great work!

I have a few comments that may help to make your writing stronger.

1) Examples: I thought it will be stronger if you write two examples (instead of just one) for each body paragraph. (But maybe you don't have time for more examples in a TOEFL writing test.)

2) Topic focus: The essay subject is about "young children's school," so it will be stronger if you have examples connected to young children. (Maybe you could mention that learning music improves children's brain development.)

3) Explanations: It will be helpful if you explain specifically how music and art classes will help children to relax and enjoy school. :) You already showed the negative side of too much maths homework. Now you can explain the positive alternative.

4) Opinion: Your essay has a strong personal focus ("I feel", "I belive", "my feeling"). So I suggest using "me" when you draw the conclusion from each example: "This example clearly shows ME" and "This example is a clear indicator TO ME" will be great! :)

Anyway, you've already done a great job! :) I hope these suggestions are helpful. (Sorry I couldn't explain these points in Korean.)

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I am a student who is studying TOEFL.
So, I hope to get productive criticisms. ^^
Particularly, logic, example.
It is evidence in our current society art and music classes have tremendous importance in our lives. Some people think that Science and Math classes are more important. I however, I be