ConfessionsI am so glad that there is only one more instructional day in this semester because I haven't been a very good language teacher this semester. Really, I haven't. I am so ready to find and push the RESET button on this school year. Add to that the fact that I have genuinely felt burnout this semester during a time in my career that I was transitioning to a new campus and a new role within the language department there. Needless to say, it hasn't been an ideal time to NOT be at my best. I can tell you with confidence that through tough reflection I have identified at least a few areas where I can make some changes. Here's what I know:

You can't pour from an empty cup.

External StressesProbably the factor that has most affected the quality of my teaching has been everything in my life outside of my teaching. Really, this bad season started in the spring due to some challenges I faced in my home life, and let's face it, if things are tough at home it is really hard to give others your very best self. Another external force was my involvement in the leadership of our state organization. God bless anyone who takes that challenge on! What you don't know when you sign up for that job is that it isn't the hands on work that stresses you out, but the vast amount of communications, discussions and thinking that pull your attention away from your day job and that absorb much of your personal free time. The stress level you feel also increases exponentially in the light of all the things you put on hold to handle things that really have little to do with your own day to day reality. It is a very big challenge to be even partially responsible for the health of an organization that serves hundreds or thousands of other professionals. The passion and hope you feel to do good for others can be intoxicating, but on the other hand the pressure can be daunting. THEN, you come back to your own reality to see the house is a wreck, you are behind on grading and lesson planning, and the end of the grading period is just a couple days away. Goodness! I am so ready to get back to normal again! Just yesterday I was scrolling through my social media when I saw a graphic that stopped me in my tracks. It was a photo of an empty tea cup with only drops of tea left behind. There was an anonymous quote superimposed over the image that said:

"You can't pour from an empty cup."

Yep, that about sums it up. Someone, hand me some tissue. That is my life right now.

Tragic FlawOne can be TOO creative. And when I say ONE I really me ME. This week I was tutoring one of my students and looking through my flash drive for a handout I knew I had that I felt would help her when I saw the materials I used last year for the unit we are in the process of finishing. I was so incredibly disappointed with myself to the point of wanting to cry. Seeing those materials revealed to me that my innate sense to be creative had gotten the best of me. Right there in that drive sat already finished, proven materials that were GOOD. Not just GOOD ENOUGH, but GOOD, and I hadn't used them. Crazily enough, I hadn't trusted myself to even really take time to look at what I did last year to evaluate what worked and what didn't to inform my teaching this year. Now, before I go on beating myself up I will take a moment to remind myself that I probably didn't take time to look at what I already had because my time was consumed with other things (refer to the previous paragraph for more details) or maybe my normal planning time was just that limited. For whatever reason I didn't trust myself and the work I had already done. I am going to say the following statement with humility, shame and frustration... My creativity, the thing I value the most about myself as an educator, can be a curse. Not everything needs upgrading. Sometimes what has been done is good enough. Sometimes the things I have or have done are JUST RIGHT, so I should just stop myself from doing more. Sometimes my "more" is just another thing that drains my battery or empties my cup and then becomes my undoing. Et tu Amy?​

Really UnpluggingThank God for husbands, even when they say the hard things you don't really want to hear. It was my husband who was the winner of the Wisest Man award this week when I told him that I might be tired of teaching. Every night this week he asked me whether or not I was okay, and said that I wasn't myself lately. I came home last night in a funk so ugly you could have turned to stone if I looked at you. Man, what is it with me and Greek and Roman references today? So, when he heard me say, "I think I am tired of teaching," he replied with, "Hey now, teaching pays the bills." Ouch. Further on in the discussion he told me that he never sees me really turn teaching off. I know this. I know this, but why is it the thing I so easily forget? If I really take inventory of things I see that most of my time is spent on things related to teaching. Most of my social media is connected to teaching, most of my free time I am looking at things related to my teaching and most of the people I interact with are other educators. Don't get me wrong... I love them, but just like what we see in this generation of teens, sometimes too much exposure to things can make us feel less than adequate as teachers. We should be careful not to launch too many criticisms into the universe, but also not to expose ourselves to too many either. What we/I don't realize is that sometimes even that next new idea can make us feel like we aren't doing enough good. So, then we/I feel pressured to push for MORE. It can be exhausting!

My PlanThis weekend I have to hold it together long enough to get my end of the semester grading done. That process will start right after I hit the POST button on my blog. After that, I am going to spend the week really focusing on dotting the i's and crossing the t's to my semester so that if nothing else I can finish WELL. Then, I am turning teaching off. I can already tell it is going to be hard. For the whole of the winter break I am going to try hard to...

not look at, look for or post anything related to my teaching

not have any conversations about school, teaching, blogging, or presenting

not look at, read or listen to anything in Spanish

enjoy the moment and be present

read and watch for PLEASURE

give and do for others

regroup internally and mentally

clean and organize my home

explore parts of my city I have never seen

do things to be more active physically

focus on my personal health

REST

LAUGH

SMILE

That's the plan. The most I might allow myself to think about teaching is permission to make a list of things to get back to after the holiday.

I hope many of you will join me in really taking a break. I challenge you all to make a point to only connect to each other in a personal way. Let's make a holiday resolution to pour into each other as people rather than as professionals. I need this season to pass so that I can move to a good season. What better time to do that than during the holiday season. So on that note, this is the last time you will hear from me as a professional until after the holidays. Cross your fingers for me because I feel a little like I am going to rehab.

Happy Holidays to you all! May God bless you and keep you and your loved ones this season!

Amy, you have given and given so much to this profession. It's time to take care of yourself. I was a teacher for 37 years, and I like to think I was an excellent one, according to the feedback I got from a lot of my students, But I learned that my family and I HAD to come first. When my son was sick, I took off school. No questions asked. When my husband had surgery, it was I who cared for him. I graded papers at home and kept in touch with the subs. I wish I had taken better care of myself now that I have retired. What you do in the classroom may or may not make a difference 20 years from now. What you do with your loved ones and yourself will. If students don't get their papers back every day, so what? If you have to skip an oral assessment occasionally, that's OK. Make sure you take care of yourself. There's a reason that, when you're on a plane, they say to put the oxygen masks on yourself first. OK, I'll get off my soapbox and wish you only the best.

Reply

Sondra Palazzo

12/12/2015 12:16:52 pm

Thank you for this honest post, Amy. I've struggled a lot with similar emotions this semester and had more than one day where I daydreamed about doing something else. Work/life balance has always been something I struggled with, but since I got married this year I've struggled even more. I feel guilty neglecting to spend more time with my husband, and also when I see stacks of grading or a blank lesson plan sitting around.

I'm sorry that you're also at that point, but do know that your post helped me see that even #langchat rockstars have bad days (or semesters) too.

Thank you. May you have a relaxing and well deserved break. :-)

Reply

Carol

12/12/2015 12:22:12 pm

Amen, amen, and amen. You speak truth. Thanks so much for your honesty. I just saw you at ACTFL. When you said to throw out your vocabulary list, I wanted to stand up and scream that I both love you and hate you at the same time:). There are always so many things to improve upon. For now, we can finish and take a much needed break. God bless you!

Gosh, this is the fourth post that I read tonight by a language teacher that is feeling discouraged this week. 'Tis the season! I regularly have to give myself a TIME OUT from professional thinking (blogging, emailing, tweeting...) to realign my priorities. When we are passionate about our job, it makes it very hard to turn it off because it's FUN to work and perfect our craft. But even good things become bad when they take away from more important things. I love your list of things that you are going to do this break!

I just keep coming back to this post. I don't know what's been in the water this semester but I just cannot "make it work" in any of my classes. The mojo is totally off and I don't know why. The worst is that the connection I've always felt really fortunate to have with my kids is also gone - and that's what normally keeps me going. I'm only in year 4 and I'm just so, so tired and am feeling like this isn't sustainable for the long-term. As terrible as it is, it helps knowing I'm not the only one who's been feeling this way!

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you for all you have done for the language teaching/learning community. You have given so much of yourself, and I appreciate everything you share, especially your honesty. I wish you a happy and restful holiday with your family. I pray you will find the much deserved rest you need to begin the next semester. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year :)

Reply

Mirna Jope

12/17/2015 05:35:54 pm

Amy, thank you. It's weird how you just described my semester. The creativity piece, it's so hard to let go of that. I pride me self on having that quality but it can be a sense of false pride when it gets in our way. Thanks for cutting to to the quick of the matter.

Reply

Axa

12/18/2015 10:25:43 am

This nailed for me! This is how I've been feeling since last summer. I have just enough to do a good job with my kids. But, nothing else left in the tea cup for PBL w/WL peeps or taking on anything extra. Ditto on the creativity!!! I am always re-inventing the wheel but in this state of exhaustion, the re-invention is not better than the old stuff.

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.

Leave a Reply.

Amy Lenord

Just a Spanish teacher doing what she loves and hoping to inspire others to do the same.