To be or not to be

Humour

In a world where only one thing is growing faster than the population, and that is frustration, shouldn’t all of us think of doing something to help our people vent it out?
Just watching the news and a little bit of Googling, I noticed that there is indeed an effective way of doing it and people have discovered that!

It has a simple 5-step recipe.
1. Bend down
2. Open your shoe-laces
3. Remove your shoe and pick it up
4. Get up
5. THROW THAT SHOE ON THAT BLOODY FACE IN FRONT OF YOU!

This therapy to get out of a frustrated mind seems older than the discovery of fire (apologies for a little exaggeration). But I am sure if you are a 90s kid, or a 60s kid, or 20s kid, you would have been directly or indirectly participated in this beautiful art which has been expanding globally.

But have you ever been in a situation, when you so badly wish to throw that shoe in that face but only because it was a Puma or Nike one, you changed your mind? Well, you can’t ask that person to give back the shoe after you hit. That would seem so rude. So, belonging to a generation of people that get startup ideas faster than I decide to leave the bed in the morning, I saw a dream. I dreamt of a world where people will be shoed irrespective of not only if they deserve to, but also irrespective of the shoes the thrower is wearing.
State-of-the-art shoes made for the sole purpose of throwing them. Your one throw to fame! Cheap, strong, polished with black ink, bathed with fresh fragrance of stale socks for maximum impact. Probably we could make them even more efficient by some target locking mechanism. Tell me what you think of this. Or you can order a shoe to hit me if you hate the idea. Though that will be a situation of catch 22.
Enough.
Brain! Go! If you had Indian parents, they would tell you to get married to protect your sanity!

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Months back, a post was made entitled ‘welcome to the jungle‘. That post though full of wild trees and shrubs, had no wild animals in it. So this time, we have most of the wild animals found in this one, accidentally strategically being published just before the release of Jungle Book.

With 4 visits to the National Zoological Park (Delhi) over the last 6 months, I clicked over 1000 bad pictures. There is something addictive watching animals for hours and patiently waiting for hours in the harsh sun to get that one shot that can be shown to friends and family 😀 So here, I will post some of the pictures of some of our friends who are fighting for their existence and are forced to live in their dwarf homes at the center of one of the most densely populated cities of the most densely populated country in the world. try to get something funny out of these fat asses.

One fine day at the Republic of Zoorasia“So, ready for the fight bro?” “Sure man! Start counting your days! But where is the lousy referee looking?”“Fuck the referee bro! There’s only one rule in our fight club! It is, there’s no rule!”

Suddenly, the whole tribe intervenes and tells them to stop. They have a news!

Hey stop you naive idiots! Haven’t you heard of the Panama leaks? All the big cats have their names in it! Let us go and protest like intellectuals!“Yes yes! Follow me. Those cats might be powerful, but hiding their money in the Panama Canal ! Hahh! They can’t be as smart as me”“Hahaha oh monkey! You are such a monkey!”“Hey croc! Just because he is black, you can’t call him a monkey! Racism is not allowed here!”“And that is not racist, you asshole? Silly animals! The day I complete my evolution degree and get promoted to homo-sapien, I’ll teach you a lesson”“Hehehe he’ll become a homo..”Yup! That is why I prefer to say under water away from these people“Umm, we are saving our seats here since morning to see the drama. Could you please protest now so that we can have some entertainment? We are really bored of news debates”“Protest? Against us? Was peeing in my drinking water a part of that?”Sorry dude, that was me. I feel my bladder is getting smaller*ROAR* “What is this commotion about in my kingdom? Don’t you know I am a no-nonsense king?”Speak up now! I, your king, am here! Or my roar has left you out of words?“Ha! Silly old man! We had oil! So we became a democracy years ago! You are not the king anymore”“And in democracy, we can pee and sell it as oil”“I am going home “

To be continued… Maybe, if I feel like… Someday. Please tell me if you smiled.

After ages of procrastination, I finally have the pleasure of acknowledging the Blogger’s Recognition Award by the wonderful blogger, Millie, who brings history to life in a way that anyone would fall in love with the past. I am grateful to her and since this award asks me to tell the story of how my blog started, I have to tell that a major reason for the blog to keep going was the childish hunger for recognition 😁

Not wasting anymore time I state the rules here:
1. Select 15 other blogs you want to give the award to.
2. Write a post to show off your award!
3. Give a brief story of how your blog got started, and give a piece or two of advice to new bloggers.
4. Thank whoever nominated you, and provide a link to their blog.

The uncertainty principle was born when a mixture of ‘Breaking Bad’, last semester exams, and alcohol (which was practically consumed for the first time) exploded in my mind at 3 am in a fateful night.

There comes a time when there is so much pressure on you to do or to accept something that it becomes extremely easy to simply walk away from it. It was a time when too much was happening and changing in my world and a desperate need to document the emotions was felt. Blogging was a new found way to walk away from the reasonable world. This was coupled by the aforementioned desire to be recognized and praised for something that seemed easy to do. I remember waking up many times at night to see if someone had something to say on what I wrote 😀

After reading this, I can assume that you understand why it is highly unadvisable to take advice from me. 😉
So I will comfortably refrain from advising but will do yell out to those who are trying to convince themselves that blogging is a waste of time and tell them that you don’t know what you are missing 😀

I am not nominating anyone but I will really look forward to hear the stories of the blogs who were among the first ones to admire the works of this novice 🙂

Thank you once again, Millie, I smiled the entire time while writing this as the memories came back or as the history came alive 🙂

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On an average, how much time do you spend to think of a title for your blog post? I hope at least a few seconds? But we Indians have a shortage of time. So we call the oldest known structure of any type in Delhi as. . . ummm. . . “Old Fort“. Well it is old, and it is a fort. So ‘Old Fort’ it is.
I wonder how this might have happened. The person in-charge asks his employees : “Hey I need a name for this structure.”
Employee 1 : “Tell us more about this structure, sir”
Boss : “A magnificent castle of sandstones, it has 18m high walls which traverse a whopping 1.5km. It was renovated by two of the strongest rulers who walked on Indian soil in the 16th century and was first built around 2500 B.C.!”
Employee 2 : Oh I see ! So it is an old fort !
Boss : YOU ARE A GENIUS ! *grabs his cheeks and kisses the forehead* ! INDEED IT IS ‘OLD FORT’ !

Let’s have a look at its entrance before going into names further.

Main entrance of Old Fort : Bada Darwaza

“Bada Darwaza” – that translates to “Big Door”. Please my lovely readers, observe two minutes of silence for the team who was assigned the task of naming this castle. I mean, what the fuck were they thinking? Did they think they did a very cool thing? Was that for publicity? Guess we’ll never know. Let’s enter the big door to see what’s inside now.

So while walking down this lovely road let us know about the funny people who have lived here. The fort is believed to be constructed 5000 years ago during the period of Indus Valley civilization by a few fictional characters from the story of Mahabharata (Pandavas). Wait a minute ! Fictional characters built a real fort ! I am telling you there is something spooky with this place !

This was renovated in 1545 A.D. by Sher Shah Suri, the first Afghan emperor of India (also known as Sher Khan (Tiger Lord) because he once killed a fully grown tiger with his bare hands and took WWE to a whole new level). This was probably the time when the United States had no idea that Afghanistan had oil, so the Afghanis had the liberty to boss around its neighbours who were still celebrating the discovery of Zero and thinking of themselves as geniuses.

But then, the Hindu king ‘Hemu’ (also known as Vikramaditya. Shouldn’t it be the other way round? Why is the real name smaller and cuter than the nickname?) attacked Sher Shah’s son and became the king in 1556. But just after a few months, one of the greatest Mughal emperors, Akbar defeated Hemu and to create terror among Hindus, hung his torso outside this fort. WOAH Dude ! I could not bear the smell of a dead rat! You preserved a dead body outside your home? You must be having an eternally stuffed nose!

Now we reach the end of the above road and see this beautifully beautiful, perfectly perfect Qila-i Kuhna Mosque – translated as ‘Old Fort Mosque’. No, I am not making any jokes on the name now.

Now I’ll show you what is the more tragic than the Hemu’s death and its show off, and at the same time more funnier that Russel Peters. Please welcome the Sher-Mandal. Built by Sher Shah Suri as the “Pleasure Resort”. That man ruled India for 5 years! Less than most democratic parliamentarians do! He built a road from Bengal to Afghanistan and numerous other structures, defeated the mighty Mughals, supported the uprising in Bengal and got time for pleasure! Men were always men. There is more to it. But have a look at it first.

Sher – MandalSher – Mandal

Yes, both the times, the clicking of couples outside the pleasure resort was co-incidental and have no relation with anything – living or dead 😛

So the story goes like this – After the Mughals defeated the Afghans, Emperor Humayun who had earned the title of ‘Insan-i-Kamil’ (Perfect man) with his peaceful personality converted this pleasure resort to a library. One fine day, when he was having some me-time in his library, he heard the Adhan (call for the prayer) and rushed to the staircase. Next – Humayun fell down and broke his crown, there’s no Jill to come tumbling after. And a great emperor died by falling from his staircase. That’s why they say – good guys really get heaven, while bad guys get the girls.

So that’s how I had a great day today talking to these walls and listening to their stories. I hope you too had fun. Please tell me you did because you don’t want to experience what Hemu experienced. (Just kidding).
Thank you for reading my longest post. Leaving you now with some more pictures of this marvelous castle standing through the ages.

If you liked this, you’d love to read what the lovely Millie Thom has to say about Castles in Wales as this trip was inspired by her wonderful insight into history.

Being in an expensive bar during happy hours is fun whether or not you are drunk. There are individuals trying to mend a broken heart, groups celebrating a birthday looting an individual, and couples dating while respecting the slowdown in the economy.

There is a saying here that if there are more than one utensils in a kitchen, they are bound to make sound – referring to the occasional arguments people in a family indulge into. Well, probably at the time this saying was made, bars were not so prevalent as they are now. The “sound” that the innocently drunk “utensils” make is sometimes enough to subside the loud music playing in the language of Martians which is further remixed by Wall-E.

It was the time of our graduation treat at The Irish House in Calcutta and we saw a couple enjoying an appealing drink. It was a cocktail in which the whole solid can of Red Bull was immersed upside down. We were intrigued (and hoped the cans would pass the hygiene tests with better marks than we did in our finals) by the look of the drink. So one of our drunken masters, Ravi, went up to the couple and very respectfully asked the girl, “Excuse me, ma’am. What are the ingredients of this drink?” Unfortunately, the guy was in no mood to let her girl socialize and let our warrior get some happiness in the happy hours. “Ingredients? Are you a fucking scientist?”, he barked furiously. Heartbroken, my friend who had just a day before submitted his thesis for his masters in Chemistry declared proudly : “Yes I am !” And it was a delight to see the petrified faces of these newly made friends. The three of them spent a major part of the evening discussing the ingredients. 😀

Meanwhile another sober friend, Aleem showed me a card with these words : “Buy 2 get 1”. Anyone found it funny? Neither did I. Then he said this : “Dude how can these be happy hours? We have to pay for 2 drinks but they’ll give only 1”. And a subtle giggle slipped from Tejeshwar, sitting between us. This triggered a chain reaction and one by one each one of us spat out everything that was inside their mouths, laughing with tears in our eyes on this lame joke. It became a herculean task to stop ourselves from laughing but then the bill did the trick. The smiles suddenly changed in a moment to inquisitive looks to ascertain who has how much.

Just before leaving, we saw a man, probably in his late twenties or early thirties sitting alone with a beer TOWER on his table. He filled his glass and held it as if trying to crush it into pieces. His red eyes made it evident that if hate signifies passion, that guy has really found his passion in that beer tower !

Stories are more, but time is less. Alcohol is slow death. Consume only if you are not in a hurry to die. Thanks for reading.

Lately, I have been going to a nearby park for running *shows off the fit body by words because truth is always bitter* and the random faces doing random things are now becoming familiar. It is amusing to notice that everyday almost the same set of people are in the park at a particular time who identify each other by the way they ignore each other.

There are some who are sleepy, others who are creepy and yet others weepy. Here, I will be sharing some of the interesting characters that probably could be found in a park near you.

1. There is this Sikh couple. Every morning, they can be seen brisk walking and talking to each other. I am so used to listen brief excerpts from their conversations that sometimes I hear the lady’s shrill voice in my nightmares which makes it impossible to sleep. The interesting part is I have never seen the lips of the husband move a bit. It seems that he is walking as fast as possible to get a moment away from his wife and her voice but as nature had it, sound always travels faster than husband.

2. Moving past them, I see an athlete who looks as if he’ll die if he moves ONE more step. But as soon as he spots a girl nearby, the testosterone takes the better of adrenaline and from Stephen Hawking, he transforms into Usain Bolt. That is how chemistry could have been taught in schools : “The electron goes from low energy state to excited state as soon as it encounters vibrant radiations” ❤

3. As I continue to move in the direction opposite to all of them, I spot the inspiration behind that temporary Usain Bolt. The two lovely ladies in black tracksuits lost in the music from their black earphones and holding black cellphones in their hands. I am sure if I had seen them without my spectacles on, they would have appeared the Black Beauty moving sideways.

4. Before I share the next group of people, I want to mention that I love old people. Especially the ones following me and reading this. 😀
So there they are – atleast 15 men with white hair and white Kurtas-pyjamas, laughing. Laughing on what? Nothing. They follow laughter therapy. I, too tried it with them once. What starts from an awkward and fake ha-ha-ha, transforms to a hearty laugh only by seeing other awkward faces. The scene becomes all the more funny when a couple of them starts pointing at each other and clapping violently along with the laughing. Just imagine more than a dozen people laughing uncontrollably at each other for no reason at all. Insanity is fun!

5. Just a few yards forward, I see a group of women (probably the wives of those laughing Buddhas) bitching about their son-in-laws and daughter-in-laws as if a competition is going on and the winner is the one who has raised the worst children.

Now since I am unable to think of a line to conclude this, I will now wait to know about more peculiar characters that you see in a park or anywhere else which unfortunately do not come to this park 😀

‘Truth is stranger than fiction’. This cheesy statement has been taken a bit too seriously by Indian news channels.

At a time when half the world is going through economic crisis, other half fighting other countries or natural disasters, the last thing I would want to know about is, “Do aliens drink cow’s milk?” Yes, this is what exactly the headline below says:Yes, why not, they drink cow’s milk and all the shit they excrete later is transmitted to our homes by your channel!

I wonder if the people in the news industry wrote the scripts of our movies, they would be much more imaginative and creative. But it is too easy to copy from Hollywood but too necessary to ‘create’ out of the box news.

Just a few days back, I stumbled upon the reportedly fastest news channel of India. It is fast indeed. Reporting events that have happened in the past is too mainstream for them. So they had this overweight man called ‘Astro Uncle’, who looked like a huge tomato, finding something amusing in the problems of his each viewer and telling them how to change the grand plan of the universe “effectively”.Just have a look at him. And then imagine he knows your future. I think the only thing your future will then consist of is – Calories and Cholesterol!
But no, I’ll share one of his solutions that I had to unfortunately hear and I can’t stand to see you spared.
If you want to marry but are unable to find a suitable match, don’t bother to meet new people or just concentrate on your career. “You must keep 10 cashew nuts under your pillow before going to sleep and you’ll find a match in one month”!
Really? Dude, you have the guts to sound so foolish on national television? And you, the cute newsreader, okay, I won’t say much to you because you are cute, but you are a NEWSreader !

AND THEN, HOW CAN I FORGET OUR FAVORITE NEWS ANCHOR? (This is how he whispers). The guy didn’t learn one thing in his journalism classes and is the editor of another fastest news channel (And they say, India has a lack of opportunities)! Though I am sure he is able to do this:I remember one episode of his show, Frankly Shouting *coughs* Frankly Speaking where he calls a shitty politician to whom no one pays attention to. There, as always the anchor asks a question declares his judgement and then both of them start the competition to see whose vocal cords are stronger. Annoyed, I was about to change the channel when a voice echoed ‘Arnab, YOU DUMBO’ ! Yes, that’s how the two pillars of the world’s largest democracy address each other. Whatever, it was funny and they managed to secure a viewer after a shitty politician told a shitty anchor that how shitty he is.

To continue with the creative people in news industry, I have this guy:Here, he is probably telling about a stray dog barking in the night but he has this talent to make an event that simple to a life-threatening one. You found that movie scary? You must see this guy. He’ll redefine horror to you when he speaks with his peculiar high pitched voice at midnight.