Guard members cope with returning home

Tuesday

Sep 22, 2009 at 12:01 AMSep 22, 2009 at 10:18 PM

Dave Rogers ran into a dilemma on the morning of his first full day back home after a yearlong deployment in Afghanistan. He had to decide what to wear since a military uniform wasn't necessary. Achieving a sense of normal life can be a struggle after a loved one has been deployed. Households often have adopted new routines, with spouses and children being forced to take on extra responsibilities. And the soldiers may have trouble adjusting from the war zone mentality that kept them alive.

Amanda Reavy

Dave Rogers ran into a dilemma on the morning of his first full day back home after a yearlong deployment in Afghanistan.

“When he got up, he said, ‘I have to decide what to wear today,’ because he’s worn the same thing for a year,” recalled his wife, Lori. “He’s not the full-time soldier.”

Rogers, a chief warrant officer with the Illinois Army National Guard’s Company B, 634th Brigade Support Battalion based in Sullivan, returned Sept. 11 to his family: Lori and their sons Grant, 17, Nick, 15, and Dawson, 11.

The boys have all grown taller and have had to help their mother with household upkeep and minor crises, such as plumbing problems and a broken-down vehicle.

Now that their home is once again full, the family says they look forward to getting back to their normal routine and enjoying the simple pleasures, such as dinners together and being able to tell each other “Good night” in person.

Normality a struggle

But achieving a sense of normal life can be a struggle after a loved one has been deployed. Households often have adopted new routines, with spouses and children being forced to take on extra responsibilities. And the soldiers may have trouble adjusting from the war zone mentality that kept them alive.

“Everybody thinks I’m crazy when I tell them the hardest part of the deployment cycle is when they come home,” said Anita Yakle, Family Assistance Center representative at Camp Lincoln in Springfield. “You’ve had a year to change - at least a year – and the family dynamics are different.”

That phase of the deployment cycle is affecting many families now that most of the nearly 3,000 Illinois Army National Guard soldiers sent to Afghanistan last year have returned home.

Ben Manley, a member of the joint family support assistance program who’s based at Camp Lincoln, likes an analogy the Guard’s reintegration program coordinator uses to life after deployment.

“Imagine a family in a canoe. All of a sudden, a phone rings and somebody stands up in the canoe and they say, ‘Hey, you’re going to Afghanistan.’ They’re jumping out of the canoe and the canoe dumps over and everyone in the family is in the water – ‘What do we do?’ ‘How do we protect ourselves?’ ‘How do we get back in the canoe?’” Manley said.

“The family gets the canoe upright, finally, and they get everybody in … There’s some stability and everything’s working and bam, the soldier comes back home.

“Guess what happens? The canoe gets tipped all over again.”

Like a tornado

Susan Nation is familiar with the overwhelming feelings associated with post-deployment. Nation’s husband, Tim, was deployed to Iraq from December 2003 to February 2005. The couple’s two daughters, now 24 and 21, were in high school at the time.

“I just can’t stress enough how it affects you when they come home. It’s like a tornado when they walk in the door,” Nation said. “You do not pick up where you left off … It’s been four years and I still deal with issues. It’s part of my life now.”

A big misconception is that after the hugs and tears at the welcome home ceremonies, the soldiers’ and their families’ struggles are over.

“You’re used to being home for a year by yourself. … Everything that he does will absolutely irritate you. It does take awhile for everybody to get adjusted,” she said. “Plus, you have to share them when they get home, and that irritates you, too, as well. You think, ‘Don’t you just want me?’ That’s kind of tough, and kids can think, ‘When is it my turn?’”

Some of her husband’s behavior also was difficult to comprehend. He drove with his eyes darting all over, since he was accustomed to looking out for combatants. He also disliked crowded places, such as restaurants, because they weren’t safe in Iraq.

And at the time, no reintegration training was available to families such as the Nations. Now, Susan Nation pushes for help to be provided to returning soldiers and their relatives.

As a secretary at Glenwood High School, Nation helped start a military support group for students with deployed family members. She had Yakle and Manley speak to school counselors in the Ball-Chatham School District.

One-stop shop

Yakle and Manley say the Guard now is providing more and better resources to families. Reintegration workshops are mandatory for soldiers about 30 days and 90 days after they return from deployment, and their spouses are urged to attend.

“There are things for single soldiers, married soldiers, TRICARE (medical and dental) insurance benefits, VA (Illinois Department of Veterans Affairs) benefits, a plethora of everything and anything they may need, as well as all kinds of educational benefits. It’s like a one-stop shop,” Yakle said of the workshops.

Families also are encouraged to attend reintegration family academies while their loved ones are away so they will know what to anticipate. A family academy was held in Springfield in March, and Lori Rogers attended it.

She also had her three boys attend a camp for children of military families called “Operation Purple” that was held in Waterloo.

“I think it was really good for them to be with other children in their situation,” Lori Rogers said.

She and Dave Rogers also plan to attend the reintegration workshops.

Both said their family was able to keep in constant contact via the Internet. That helped Lori and the boys understand his experience in Afghanistan, which entailed working in a vehicle maintenance shop at Camp Phoenix in Kabul.

Dave Rogers says he’s adjusting to life with privacy again. He’ll return to his job at AT&T next month.

“I thought I’d be more anxious to go back to work than it really has turned out to be,” he said.

The Rogerses say they recognize the sacrifice each family member has made.

“She’s the real hero. It’s the family members left behind who have it tough,” Dave Rogers said of Lori. “We’re just doing our job.”

Amanda Reavy can be reached at (217) 788-1525 or amanda.reavy@sj-r.com.

Reunion tips for soldiers

_Support good things your family has done

_Take time to talk with your spouse and children

_Make individual time for each child and your spouse

_Go slowly when reestablishing your place in the family

_Be prepared to make some adjustments

_Make your savings last longer

_Go easy on partying

Reunion tips for spouses

_Avoid scheduling too many things

_Go slowly in making adjustments

_You and your soldier may need time for yourself

_Remind soldier he or she is still needed in the family

_Discuss splitting up family chores

_Stick to your budget until you’ve had time to talk it through

_Along with time for the family, make individual time to talk

_Be patient with yourself and your partner

Reunion tips for families with children

_Go slowly. Adapt to the rules and routines already in place.

_Let the child set the pace for getting to know you again

_Learn from how your spouse managed the children

_Be available to your child, both with time and with your emotions

_Expect that the family will not be the same as before left; everyone has changed

_Focus on successes with your children; limit your criticisms

_Encourage children to tell you about what happened during the separation