Well, guys, the Moderator Team removed two of the three collages I posted. One for nudity. One for the presence of knives. I hope I am allowed to write the word knives. Although I understand their reasons, I am disappointed.

I am learning that healing here has its limits. Also, my story won't be told here. Posting my work is the only way I can tell it.

I received a Thanksgiving e-mail yesterday from The New School. I've been accepted.

Let the roller coaster begin. Already I've shifted into the mode I always do when something good happens to me. Deep inside I see the disgusting creature they made me so long ago and feel that the sub-human thing I am doesn't deserve anything worthwhile.

I always thought feeling this way when good things happen is normal. Many of you know this and also know handling it is not merely a matter of "getting over it" and accepting and enjoying good.

I still work in my therapy sessions with this. It is hard work to think someday I really can be happy and comfortable with myself. Personally, I really believe its impossible. Everyday it amazes and puzzles me that I wake up and amazes me even more that I can get out of bed. That's the real me.

I'm sorry. This is not meant to be the appetizer of yet another one of my pity parties. It's just that deep inside so much is happening inside me and I am overwhelmed. It's a mix of so many emotions and they are all conflicting for attention. I don't like handling it. I still don't know if I can.

I am questioning everything now. EVERYTHING. I don't know who I am. I am remembering more details of the abuses, which are more and more revolting than I could have imagined. I understand fully now why I am a sham, a vile piece of $#!+ pretending to be a nice, decent human being. Why should things like being accepted at the school I applied to happen? It doesn't seem just. I had braced myself for rejection and wehn I got the e-mail I panicked and got scared. All I can think is, who the hell do I think I am to think I can afford college when I have no job and few, if any, prospects? My view of myself is a lazy lying useless "thing" trying to pass off as something genuine and living.

Boy, this has not gone in the direction I expected. The anxiety is building. I am going to have to pump up denial, which for the past several weeks has been a method I've fallen back on heavily. The memories are THAT awful. I'm scared. My life has become too much to handle and I feel like i won't handle it.

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I have taken to the stand-up comedy stage to educate other male survivors and those who try to love them. I blog about my isolated religious upbringing where physical and sexual abuse were commonplace and I serve as a facilitator of a weekly support group for men who have suffered sexual assault.

They are giving me 84 transfer credits which is the cap they offer for transfers. Yay! According to the school I only need 36 credits, then I can take the Art Therapy program, which is about 6 more classes and an internship.

I really don't know if I have to submit a life experience portfolio. There a few other questions, like why are they sending me an immunization sheet? Actually at the moment there are a million questions.

Fortunately my sister is coming for a 3 day visit tomorrow. I can bounce things off my partner and her and then on Thursday, dig in. I honestly don't know how I will do this.

2012 is going to be wild. My recovery process is getting more challenging and difficult. Getting married in May. School. Have no idea how I will pay for anything. I figure this way. All the shit I've gone through this past year I might as well use it as manure for growing something good. The other thing is I have spent my life never taking risks, always settling. My clock is ticking. I might as well go for it.

Congratulations Thebo, you are truly on a roll buddy. I know how you feel about being scared. I was able to see when I was helping my daughters friend with her recovery, that I have an interest in counseling. I am speaking to the Fresno State counseling grad students in the spring and I am scared to death. I don't know why I am doing this but I truly feel compelled to do it. Good luck and lets share war stories I think it will be fun Mike

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