Find the Man You Want

In his book, Get the Guy, Matthew Hussey—relationship expert, matchmaker, and star of the reality show Ready for Love—reveals the secrets of the male mind and the fundamentals of dating and mating for a proven, revolutionary approach to help women to find lasting love.

By Matthew HusseyHow to Get Out of the Dreaded Friend Zone
If you want to have a guy friend, that’s great. There’s nothing wrong with having a primarily male social network (guys can introduce you to other guys) or a male best friend. But if you want to stop getting stuck in the friend zone with men you

The more you play therapist…the further down the buddy trail you’re headed.

desire, and with whom you can imagine a long and happy romantic future, the best thing to do is either meet someone new or do something new. Here are some pointers to help you shift his attitude toward you.

Don’t become his relationship coach
A guy friend is probably going to talk to you about other women he thinks are hot, or other women he’s seeing or dating. He may also feel free to ogle other women in front of you. If you still possessed any doubts about whether the two of you were more than friends, this clinches it. The more you play therapist, talking through all of his relationship issues with other women, the further down the buddy trail you’re headed. The trick is not to indulge him. Don’t let him go on about some girl he’s into, don’t give him advice or try to gently tell him what to do. Avoid the topic altogether. You don’t want to hear about it. If you get stuck as his relationship coach, it leaves you no room to flirt and show off your own qualities. Being his coach might make you feel closer to him. It may make you feel as if your relationship is more “authentic” and honest, but getting close doesn’t necessarily equal more attraction.

Make him have sexual thoughts about you
If you want out of the friend zone, it’s important to get comfortable with the idea of a guy thinking about having sex with you. I realize this sounds fairly basic, but you might be surprised how many women, in their eagerness to show that they’re kind, smart, honest, and trustworthy, lose sight of this basic requirement of romance. Even if he likes you, he may find it hard to think of you as a romantic partner because he can’t picture what being physically intimate with you will be like. There are several ways to display your sexual nature without coming on to him in a way that’s overly forward. Dancing with a guy is a great way for him to notice your sexuality; when he sees you enjoy moving your body and being in the moment, he can’t help feeling closer to you physically. Another way is to let him know that you have sexual thoughts. You never want to just stride up to a guy and tell him you want to have sex with him. After he gets over the shock, he’ll usually feel intimidated. You also don’t want to outright say to him, “You’re so sexy”; this might be something you say in a relationship or in bed, but saying it early on feels like too much. Instead of telling him outright that he’s sexy, tell him that something he does is sexy. For example, if a guy is wearing a new leather jacket, say, “Wow, that jacket is sexy” or “Hey! You know I can’t resist guys in leather jackets. Take

The major reason a guy might not kiss you… is that he lacks the chance or reason to get close to you.

that off right now.” If he’s wearing a new aftershave and you say, “Oh my, I can’t resist that smell on a guy,” you’re making it about the aftershave, not about him personally. Even in general conversation when you use phrases like, “I can’t resist that . . .” or “It turns me on when . . .” or “It’s so sexy when . . . ,” you are communicating your sexual desires. This is the kind of language that distinguishes a romance from a friendship.

Get physical
When it comes to touching someone you know better, with whom you might be entering the friend zone, you can be a little bolder. Give him a short shoulder massage, or a more intimate, longer hug. If you notice his aftershave or shampoo, you can lean in and smell him (lightly touch the back of his arm to pull yourself toward him). All of these instances of touch help create connection and intimacy, and give him an excuse to get close to you. In touching a guy briefly and frequently, you’re telling him it’s okay to make a move. Being in the friend zone is in many ways similar to a first date. The major reason a guy might not kiss you on a first date is that he lacks the chance or reason to get close to you. There’s always that moment near the end of the date where the conversation dies and the woman is thinking, Just do it. Just kiss me already! Meanwhile he’s thinking, I want to kiss her, but how do I get over there? She’s like eight hundred feet away. Do I pretend there’s a bug on her shoulder and lean forward to brush it off? Do I pretend to accidentally trip and fall into her lips? When you take the lead and make touch feel more natural, he’s going to find it easier to reciprocate. Building up to a kiss is much easier if he already feels comfortable with being physically close and touching. You’re giving him permission, but letting him make the move.

See Matthew Hussey on NBC's New Primetime Reality TV show, READY FOR LOVE.Excerpted from GET THE GUY by Matthew Hussey. Reprinted by arrangement with HarperCollins Publishers L.L.C. In bookstores April 9, 2013.