Sunday, May 6, 2012

As many of you know, I have a sister named Roz. Roz is (for the most part) a very reliable, kind, and smart person. Her main faults are her strong affinity for Timberland products, her unfortunate collection of "kooky hats", and some unsavory online dating matches (sorry to put your shit on blast, sis). Roz is also not one to turn down a free meal. She's not greedy, but lets say that she is not afraid to work the system (the system being our parents) for some grub. I can appreciate a good hustle. And because my mom pictures her as a starving child trying to make it in the ghetto's of India, she doesn't hesitate to send her 28 year old child groceries. Recently, Roz sent out her list of foods that she "wouldnt mind taking off of our hands". Lets take a peeky-peek.
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Meats/Seafood
1. Chicken breasts
2. boneless pork chops (I like the thick cut ones)
3. Sandwich Fixins
4. 1lb of roast beef or Maple Glazed Honey Turkey
5. 1/4 lb sliced provolone
6. Miracle whip
7. relish
Fresh Stuff
8. fat free or part skim ricotta cheese (any brand)
9. cucumbers
10. tomatoes (any kind)
11. red,orange or yellow peppers
12. strawberries
13. salad
14. golden potatoes
Non-Food
15. 2 storage bins for linens
16. 3 containers to store flour and sugar (they dont have to be huge because my cabinet shelves are short)
17. plastic wrap for wrapping meats and freezing them
18.sandwich baggies
non-vital items
19. fresh mozzerella (Bel Giosio if they have it, but any brand is fine)
20. shrimp
21. salmon
22. london broil or any lean steak
23. canned corn
24. frozen broccoli
25. oranges
26. plums
27. pears
28. necatrines
29. bananas
30. cantaloupe
31. whole wheat egg noodles
32. wax paper
33. lemons
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First of all, don't ever write "fixins" again. Second of all, what the fuck is this? Mariah Carey's concert rider? Is this what Christina demands Carson Daly to hand deliver to her every night before The Voice? OKAY. As a broke, 20-something, you should be asking for food because you need the essentials. This should be like a soup kitchen or a food bank. Times should be rough, like in the Marcy Projects. Are they eating Bel Giosio fresh mozzerella and salmon in the Marcy Projects? I don't remember hearing Jay-Z rapping about Bel Gioso fresh mozzerella and salmon in any of his early tunes. Nectarines?? No. No exotic citrus fruits. You can get enough vitamin C from some generic oranges, thank you. Whole wheat egg noodles? You will get half or no wheat, and you will like it. "Maple Glazed Honey Turkey". Pour some Mrs. Butterworths on a chicken patty and call it a day, sis. And I love how she has "non-vital" items, like her blood will stop pumping if she doesnt have the stuff in the other categories. Oh, no! I will stop breathing if I don't have my provolone!
Im positive that once I head out on my own like Emile Hirsch in Into The Wild, I will long for a nice care package from home, but come on. Crustaceans? Really? Crustaceans??

ALLLL ABOUT ME.

No, I am not actually a butcher and no, I could not think of a better title for this blog. Multiple times a day, I witness things that make me think, "am I high? What is going on?!" This blog is a way for me to share those tales, along with random rants I need to get out. Warning: There WILL be abrevs. There will NOT be that overly witty tone that bloggers all try to use. If you're not funny in real life, don't try to make it happen here.