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Saturday, January 31, 2015

Yes, everyone’s favorite second-generation Hollywood Romeo and Juliet — he’s a Drysdale, she’s a Clampett … look it up, youngsters — are as happy as ever after a very relaxing vacation in Hawaii. The two were spotted in LA recently grabbing some delicious food from Hugo’s Tacos. Girl loves her tacos; spelling? Not so much.

On Good Morning America last week, Cyrus was asked to spell Patrick’s last name. Her response:

“I literally, I just had this conversation. I can’t tell you. Apparently there’s not a ‘T’ in it.”

Don’t worry Miley; you can spell Molly like a pro.

Jennifer Aniston wanted that Oscar bad, man; she wanted it so badly that she finally broke down during her campaign and spoke about She Who Will Not Be Mentioned and He Who Dumped Her. Yup, she talked about how talented La Jolie is and how nothing went wrong in her marriage to Brad Pitt, but then Oscar didn’t come a’calling at the Aniston house, so I’m guessing the feud is back on.

At last week’s Critics Choice Awards — the first time Aniston and Jolie had been at the same event at the same time since 2009 — the two women were kept far apart from one another, according to a source — and you know it’s Lohan Tweeting from her vacation hospital stay … more on that later — who says:

“Angie and Jen had their teams make sure that they wouldn’t cross paths.” And she added that, weeks earlier, Aniston demanded to see a seating chart to make sure she’d be sitting in a Jolie-Free zone.

But the big news, or non-news, is that just as La Jolie was about to exit her car, she saw Aniston — and her hotter than hot boyfriend Justin Theroux — posing on the red carpet, and she refused to budge. Now, the tabloids are saying that Jolie hid because she didn’t want to see Aniston, but maybe, just maybe, Jolie stayed behind because she didn’t want to create any made-up drama by appearing behind Jen; I mean, you just know that suddenly all cameras would jerk away from Aniston to rest their lens' on Jolie.

Now, this part is not made up: Talking Bobble-Head, Giuliana Rancic, on E!, said that by the way Angelina hit the red carpet at the precise moment Jennifer walked off seemed suspiciously choreographed. But did they do that because of animosity, or because they figured why feed the press any more than they have to?

So, Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio are doing the deed? Apparently so, and it makes me shudder to think of the STDs floating around that room … or yacht.

The couple both partied on P. Diddy’s yacht in St. Barts over Christmas, and when they each returned to LA, they attended the same Playboy mansion party where, spies say, Leo and RiRi made out and then left together.

Presumably to head off to HazMats R Us before hooking up because, again, STD Central. Ick

Kanye West has finally answered that question. No, not the 'Did you marry that Kash Kow because you knocked her up' question. He finally answered the question about why he never smiles. And no, it’s not because he married that Kash Kow because he knocked her up.

At the Inaugural Daily Front Row Fashion Los Angeles Awards he said:

“Back when I was working on Yeesuz, I saw this book like book from the 1800s and it was velvet-covered with brass and everything. I looked at all these people’s photos and they look so real and their outfits were incredible and they weren’t smiling and people, you know the paparazzi, always come up to me, ‘Why you not smiling?’ and I think, not smiling makes me smile…When you see painting in an old castle, people are not smiling cause it just wouldn’t look as cool.”

Not smiling makes me smile? Huh? Maybe it is because he married the Kash Kow because he knocked her up.

Oh Jennifer Lopez, you manhandle the media better than you manhandle men.

During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, JLo was asked that, if she had just one night in Vegas, which diva’s show would she see: the lip-synced styling’s of Miss Britney Spears or the lip-synced histrionics of Miss Mimi Carey.

JLo said: “Britney, cause she dances.”

Oh snap. I only wish she’d added, “Mariah who?”

But Mimi wasn’t the only person who got some JLo shade; Lopez even dumped on some of her less than attractive hookups and ex-husbands when she said:

“I’m not a looks person. I don’t know if you noticed over the years. I go more for essence, for strength…sexy is important, but I don’t feel like good looking is necessarily sexy.”

Marc Anthony was last seen crawling back into his crypt while Casper Smart was last seen getting help onto the top bunk.

Oh Lohan, how you do make life more interesting; especially when you promise … again … that you’ll be a better person and then, well, you don’t.

See, Lohan is headed back to court, y’all, after she ALLEGEDLY failed to complete her community service hours. Lohan had until November 6, 2014 — last year — to show the court that she finished all 240 hours of her community service, but on that day, her mouthpiece — AKA Shawn Holley, the lawyer who never gets paid — could only prove half those hours; the judge gave Lohan until this past Wednesday to complete all 240 hours.

Ruh-Roh. What’s a criminal to do? Well, make an excuse works sometimes, so Lohan said she wanted to finish her service but that the community service center in London was closed for 2 weeks for the holidays. And then she was gonna finish up when the center reopened, but then she was stricken with that Chumbawamba virus — which sounds suspiciously like a low-end tequila — on holiday and ended up in the hospital.

Oops! Did she say she was vacationing when she could have been doing community service? More to come …

Now, ontoMariah Careyand her soon-to-be-ex-husbandNick Cannon.

As y’all may know, Mimiis about to be making major coins by taking up residency at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, and performing every night while Celine Dion lets some of the air out of her head. Well, Nick, who signed divorce papers before Mimi signed the performance papers, isn’t happy about her bo-nan-za and is demanding a cut of the profits.

Nick says he’s owed all that for his pain and suffering, and, well, he did have to listen to her sing almost every day so ….

No, Nick’s a douchebag who kissed his meal ticket goodbye, so he needs to get stepping … to his next gig or the unemployment line.

So Real Housewife of Miami Joanna Krupa and Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Brandi Glanville hate each other, and have been feuding for years; here’s the back story:

So now Krupa is suing Glanville for “Vaginal Slander, Libel and Defamation” and is demanding a trial by jury in Miami, and all I can think is, Thank god we moved, because if I got called for that jury would I have to um, yeah, smell the evidence?

Odor in the court! Just sayin’.

Back to Lohan … So we know that Lohan contracted a mosquito-borne virus called Chikungunya — and now it sounds like a low-end gin — while on vacation in Bora Bora, and after returning to London, checked into a hospital because of the pain and fever … or because that’s where the drugs are … or because then she didn’t have to do community service … or because she’s an attention-seeking fame-whore.

Any one excuse will do.

See, while in hospital — which is how they say it over there — poor sickly Lindsay spent most of her time trying on thongs and posting Photoshopped images on her Instagram … like the one I posted yesterday in Random Musings.

Oh, and guess where Lindsay went after being released from the hospital in London? Off went to Paris for a fashion event and then out clubbing.

I guess we can add … because clubbing is more fun than community service ... to the list of excuses she’ll give the judge in court this week.

Johnny Depp is deppastated — Yay! I coined a new word for weird actors who suddenly realize they can only play weird and that the public is tired of them — because his new film, Mortdecai, co-starring Goop, failed at the box office.

But keep your head up Johnny; you get to keep your $20 million dollar paycheck!

Look, Depp, it’s like this: you’ve played every single odd cartoon character in a wacky hat-and-mustache that there is and, well, we don’t like it anymore. Just because you’re kooky onscreen and kooky off-screen doesn’t keep us interested. Try acting, instead of playacting. And now comes word that you want to ditch your longtime agent because, well, the people are over you.

Take my advice, Johnny, and if you want to hire me as your agent, I’ll only take 5% of your twenty million.

Finishing up with Lohan … After the Bora Bora Mosquito Trek, and The Hospitalization Vacation, and The Trip To Paris To Recover From being Sick, Lohan finally answered the question about if she'd finished her community service.

Well, it appears that after clubbing in France, Lohan high-tailed — Get it? High? — it back to London to complete her hours at the Community Service Volunteers [CSV] organization. She needed 15 days of service to complete her sentence and, after a bump or two or three, she worked non-stop Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and maybe Monday and Tuesday to ALLEGEDLY finish all of her debt to society.

This time. CSV sent a letter of completion to her court hearing this week because Lindsay doesn’t have to be in court; her lawyer, Shawn Holley, will hand the sacred doc to the judge.

Lindsay will ALLEGEDLY be breaking and entering a nightclub and drinking all the profits that night.

Friday, January 30, 2015

It’s off to Marchesa, this week, to their bridal studio and I am so hoping it’s not Wedding Dresses In A Day because I just can’t. But there, surrounded by tulle and lace and glitter and sparkle are Alyssa and The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™, who introduce the group to Georgina’s partner and co-founder of Marchesa, Keren Craig, and one of their clients, Dana, who will be getting married the next day.

Please tell me it’s not Make Dana A Bride Overnight!

Thankfully the challenge will be to design a versatile bridesmaid’s dress, suitable for multiple events, which will be worn by Dana’s bridesmaids in less than 24 hours at a wedding to be officiated by newly ordained Alyssa Milano.

God, there are really pushing the never-done-before-on-the-PR mantra!

And, since the bride will be wearing Marchesa, the dresses must fit the aesthetic of the Marchesa brand, as in glitter and lace and shimmer and silk. The designtestants have $150 and one day to, as Isaac said later, not “make it work, but make it happen.”

As a bonus, the winner will receive a Marchesa diamond ring, and two front-row seats, and all-access passes, to Marchesa's next show.

He’s his usual smug self, making his usual pretty dress until Helen points out that it is almost an exact copy of the dress that Dana wore when she met the designers at Marchesa. I don’t know if it was on purpose, but Dmitry did say his design was based on Dana’s style and class … and the very dress he saw her in.

When Zanna Roberts Rassi comes around for the critique, she brings Georgina’s brother, Marchesa CEO Edward Chapman; they like what Dmitry’s done, but when he mentions trims and laces and embellishments, they warn him to keep it simple and versatile.

WHAT HE SAID

It has a lot of movement … beautiful drape.

WHAT I SAID

Helen was right; it’s Dana’s dress re-imagined. And it’s too long and just conservative.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Isaac doesn’t know where to start, but then calls it bad, with the draping and the ruching and the Cleopatra neckline; he calls it “so unattractive.” The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ says there’s nothing particularly wrong with the dress, but it isn’t new; it’s boring and safe. Later, she changes her mind and calls it offensively dull. Guest Judge Cat Deeley liked it, calling it her favorite, but agreed it was safe. Then Isaac and The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ get into a discussion about how it’s ‘not a disaster,’ and Isaac reminds us all that it’s PR: All-Stars, not PR: IT’s Not A Disaster.

FABIO

I was excited to see him step away from the baby blue and pink pastels this week—but only because Dana The Bride showed them her ‘mood board’ in which the colors were all dark and rich. So, really, he had no choice.

Zanna and Edward come around and both like his look, and the detail on the shoulders, but worry that it’s still too minimal.

WHAT HE SAID

I’m really happy … if I’d had more time I would have resolved my issues.

WHAT I SAID

It’s too long! It doesn’t say wedding or party, it says drinks with the husband’s boss. And the close-up on the wonky hemline was just sad.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ asks, "Have you worked with satin-faced organza before?" and when Fabio says "Yes," she says, "Then you should know better!" She is annoyed that Fabio is constantly getting a pass when he’s not been doing great work. Alyssa, on the other hand, liked that Fabio stepped out of his comfort zone, and loved the little sleeve detail, though she thought they could be better; she also hated the hemline. Cat also wanted the sleeve to be a bit longer, but likes that the dress looks modern. Isaac, after warning Fabio last week about being in the Bottom, says, “Well darling … this is not the worst dress I’ve ever seen.” He says it does not measure up to a designer on All-Stars.

HELEN

I always get a queasy feeling when Helen gets excited about doing couture, or gowns, or big dresses, because, when she does them, they really aren’t a Wow. But she wants this win; she wants to be the next Marchesa, though she’d be the Marchesa that has the tattoo of scissors going through her neck.

Zanna and Edward like the modern silhouette of her look, but Zanna worries that trim details make it look old.

WHAT SHE SAID

The fit of my dress is on point.

WHAT I SAID

It fits well, but from a distance, it’s a nice dress for the office; Helen’s habit of placing dark lace on dark fabric makes it hard to appreciate it.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Cat called it flattering, and utilitarian, since the bridesmaid will do the heavy lifting of the bride’s train. Um … okay? The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ called it a nice, safe, versatile dress; it’s “appropriate.” Alyssa agrees about the versatility but found it heavy and kind of matronly. Isaac said it was oh so tasteful, but needed more. No one was really happy with it, but no one wanted to pummel Helen for it either.

MICHELLE

Michelle wants to win because she wants the ring because she is getting married again, but she also wants to do something she’s never done before and that has me worried. She’s going to hand-make appliqués for the dress and then stitch them onto it.

Zanna and Edward both wonder if it fits with the Marchesa ideal of romanticism.

WHAT SHE SAID

My bridesmaid looks adorable and happy … I don’t know if she realizes the fit is off.

WHAT I SAID

Way off. It looks like a long plum-colored sack, though, walking away it looks better. But is that because it’s walking away?

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Michelle says she created the heavily detailed bodice because so many wedding photos are taken from the waist up, and Cat is instantly happy, though she didn’t like the dress as a whole and felt sorry for the model. Isaac hates the length, saying shorter is more fun, while Alyssa says the appliqués on the top are penis-like and the hemline is circus like; It’s a Weiner Carnival, y’all! The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ calls the sleeves unresolved but thinks it’s pretty, and liked that Michelle did something different.

SONJIA

This is Sonjia's week to have a meltdown, though I wondered why since she was on a high after winning last week., Maybe it’s because she has no idea what she’s doing when she’s buying fabrics and so she starts off way behind. Suggestion? Learn to sketch Sonjia, for chrissakes.

Zanna and Edward call it a great base, when they see what Sonjia has draped over the dummy, but add that it needs more detail. Luckily, Fabio has some details he isn’t using, which means Sonjia owes him a muffin basket.

WHAT SHE SAID

I love the open slit … a little sexiness.

WHAT I SAID

I don’t like the high-low look, but at least this looks like a party.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ is conflicted; she doesn’t know if she likes it or loathes it, but does like that it stands out from the rest of the drab. Isaac is baffled because it doesn’t look like anything Sonjia has done before; he says he doesn’t really know any of the designers, based on this runway. He loathes the heavy draping on the top, saying one side is “boob” while one side is “schmoob.” Cat called it a Studio 54 jersey dress, which makes it sound old, and perhaps covered in cocaine. Alyssa was the lone standout, saying she gave it the highest marks, though given what we saw is that really saying anything?

No one wins and they were all Auf’d.

I kid. Though, seriously, no one should have won this week because they were all bad.

But Helen won the ring and jumped for joy — well as much as someone as morose as Helen can show joy. I kept thinking, “Why are you so happy? You were called the best in a show of the worst. Not high praise.” But Helen got the ring and the tickets to a Marchesa show.

Sonjia is next and she’s safe, followed by Dmitry, which leaves Michelle and Fabio in the Bottom. The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ thinks Fabio should go because they’ve forgiven him too many times this season, while Isaac thinks Michelle’s appliquéd sack is the worst.

But since this is a Marchesa challenge and The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ is Marchesa and since Isaac warned Fabio about being in the Bottom again, Fabio gets the boot.

God, what a bunch of ugly dresses. No joy; no sense of party or wedding. I seriously think when the designers heard the dress had to be versatile, they thought it meant it had to be worn at a wedding and a funeral; and Sonjia’s would have been worn to a funeral at Studio 54.

I giggled though, because there’s always that joke about ugly bridesmaid dresses, but can you imagine having to wear an ugly bridesmaid dress — and, let’s be real, these were all ugly dresses — on freaking TV? Dana owes each of her friends a large muffin basket for putting them through that.

I also wondered if, after the judging, and giving Helen a ring and some passes to her show, if The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ didn’t stomp off backstage to kick a few mannequins around. That’s what I would have done.

I’m sorry to see Fabio go, though, after all those weeks in the Bottom, it was time.

The Tents? I see Dmitry and Sonjia … and Helen. I think next week, unless Michelle stops making overindulgent sack dresses, she’ll be next.

President Obama, on if he thinks there will be nationwide marriage equality while still in office:

"The Supreme Court now is going to be taking on a case, my hope is that they go ahead and recognize what I think the majority of people in America now recognize which is that two people who love each other and are treating each other with respect and aren't bothering anybody else, why would the law treat them differently? There's no good reason for it. So as a consequence, I'm hopeful the Supreme Court comes to the right decision, but I will tell you, peoples' hearts have opened up on this issue. People know that treating folks unfairly, even if you disagree with their lifestyle choice, they're not bothering you. Let them live their lives and under the law they should be treated equally and as far as me personally, just to see all the loving gay and lesbian couples that I know who are great parents and great partners, the idea that we wouldn't treat them like the brothers and sisters that they are, that doesn't make any sense."

I’m loving that he’s still talking openly about this issue, though, yes, I wish he hadn’t called it a “lifestyle choice” because it’s neither.

It’s a life.

Ben Carson, Tea Party wingnut, on baker’s who refuse to make cakes for same-sex weddings:

"What I have a problem with is when people try to force people to act against their beliefs because they say 'they're discriminating against me.' So they can go right down the street and buy a cake, but no, let's bring a suit against this person because I want them to make my cake even though they don't believe in it. Which is really not all that smart because they might put poison in that cake."

No one is asking that you act against your beliefs; we’re simply asking that, if you are a business, you cater to everyone equally.

Oh, and Ben, you f**king loon? I hope that if some wingnut who looks up to you — while most of us look down on you — bakes a poison cake for a same-sex wedding, that you are indicted as a co-conspirator.

PS You’re an idiot and you are crazy, no matter how many times you say you aren’t.

Patrick Stewart, on hissupport of the LGBT community:

"When I look back to my early career and early experience, my ease and comfort being in the company of and intimately close with gay and lesbian colleagues and friends was always, for me, the most natural, and I might even say at times appealing aspects of the life I was living. I think this is where the theater is such an appealing world, because it embraces everything and always has. So there was never a moment where I made an intellectual choice that I would be a supporter of gay civil rights. It was always a natural and uncomplicated choice."

It really is that simple; if you know a gay person, you’ll find out they aren’t so different from anybody else, and you’ll more than likely stand up for them.

"I don’t think it’s overexposed. If gay sex on TV is too much for you, change the channel and don’t watch it, it’s not for you. I think there is far too much football on TV. But I’m not going around saying they should take football off the air; I’m changing the channel."

That’s all it takes. Change.The.Channel.

Benedict Cumberbatch, on diversity in films, and sticking his foot in his mouth a bit:

“[In America,] it’s an even playing field. [These actors] paid their dues for years by just doing beautiful performances. I think as far as coloured actors go it gets really difficult in the UK, and a lot of my friends have had more opportunities here [in the US] than in the UK and that’s something that needs to change. Something’s gone wrong, we’re not representative enough in our culture of different races and that really does need to step up a pace.”

Okay, so he said coloured — or colored, this side of the pond — and people went ape-sh*t. But, I wonder if, in the UK, it’s not still an acceptable term and not seen as a pejorative term.

David Oyelowo, who played MLK in Selma, coming to Cumberbatch’s defense:

“I think it’s ridiculous. When you look at what he was actually saying it’s clear that he’s a huge supporter of black performers. To attack him for a term, as opposed to what he was actually saying, I think is very disingenuous and is indicative of the age we live in where people are looking for sound bites as opposed to substance. … In America we use the term ‘people of colour’. Is that a million miles different than saying coloured? I know it’s an outdated term but… he was clearly doing something that I think was pretty beautiful.”

I agree with Oyelowo; people took that one word, a mistake or not, and ran with that instead of actually listening to what Cumberbatch was saying. And, again, I wonder, is ‘people of color’ acceptable but ‘colored people’ is not? Anyone?

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Y’all know this story … on December 27, 2014, Leelah Alcorn, a 17 year old transgender youth wrote posted a suicide note on Tumblr and then walked in front of a semi-truck on a busy highway.

Leelah explained how her parents had forced her to attend conversion therapy, pulled her out of school and isolated her in an attempt to change her gender identity and so a petition has been created to enact Leelah’s Law to Ban All LGBTQ+ Conversion Therapy.

If the petition receives 100,000 signatures within the first 30 days, the White House will respond. Right now, the petition has 93,891 signatures, and needs 6,109 more to qualify by February 2. While it won't guarantee a bill or a law, greater awareness means greater possibility for action.

Down there to Alabama, where marriage equality is becoming legal, the state’s first and only openly gay state legislator, Democratic Representative Patricia Todd has taken to Facebook to fire back at politicians alleging that same-sex marriage would erode "family values" if it becomes legal in Alabama.

Todd called out the hypocrisy of many lawmakers using the rallying cry of "family values" to prop up their anti-gay views when they are having extramarital affairs, and basically says she’ll out these hypocrites.

Here’s my deal: why sink to their level. Patricia? I mean if Joe Blow Congressman is schtupping someone other than the missus, who cares? Outing them only makes The Gays seem vindictive and petty; why not just show statistics from places where same-sex marriage is legal that disprove their idiotic arguments.

Fight negativity with positivity, m’kay.

That said, if Joe Blow Congressman is anti-gay and has a little boytoy on the side, then out him as the ultimate hypocrite.

I hate these closeted gay men and women who seek to deny equal rights to The Gays. They should have their closet doors blown open.

Photo of the Week:

This could be in gossip, except the photo qualifies it for its own segment. While Lohan was hospitalized after her Bora Bora mosquito bite — and no word on how sick the mosquito became after sipping Lohan blood — she was bored. So she began posting selfies in her underwear to the net, but she doesn’t have the Photoshop skills of Queen Bey so …

Notice Lindsay’s remarkably thin waistline? Look at the bottles on the shelf behind her, and how they inexplicably lean toward her.

Bad Photoshop! Bad.

If sometime this evening you hear a blood curdling scream from sea to shining sea, well, it’s Carlos … because I’ve just told him that the next season of Downton Abbey will be the last one.

Writer Julian Fellowes is ending the show — which was supposed to run for one, maybe two seasons — after its sixth year to work on a new project about 19th century New York.

Brooklyn Abbey?

Just wondering … now, let me get a cold compress for Carlos.

Sometime last year I DVR’d a Ten Years because it starred Channing Tatum and he has a habit of baring his most gorgeous ass in all his films. Sadly, in this film, he did not, which only made it even worse than I thought.

The lone bright spot was the character of Reeve, played by Oscar Isaac; his was the only character that wasn’t a stereotype of some high school student at his reunion. Plus, he’s hot.

And this week, I heard that Isaac was to be on The View so I watched … and he’s hotter than that, sweeter than that, smarter than that.

He’s my new Hugh Jackman. I’ve told Carlos that when … when not if … Oscar Isaac comes to Smallville to sweep me off my feet, well, I’ll be going.

Hot. Oh, and he has a new movie out called A Most Violent Year with the faboosh Jessica Chastain. I'm making Carlos see it with me this weekend.

So that rug at the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office that read ‘In Dog We Trust’ instead of ‘In Cat … I kid … God We Trust’ has been replaced and the Oops Version was sold at auction for $9,600.00.

The money will be donated to Canine Estates, a Palm Harbor nonprofit for injured and abandoned animals.

Thank Dog.

I loves me some Nashville …I love that they are taking a risk by having a gay character on the show — I mean, country music and openly gay people don’t generally mix — especially when the gay in question is played by hunky Chris Carmack [down there], who has macked on quite a few dudes since joining the cast.

And maybe, just maybe, he’ll be macking on Kyle Dean Massey [up there] who has joined the show in the recurring role of Kevin Bicks, a successful singer-songwriters in Nashville who also happens to be openly gay.

I expect sparks, Nashville.

I kinda like Sam Smith, that Brit singer who many call … wrongly, I think, the male Adele … though I got tired of him not talking about being gay and yet now that’s all he talks about.

But that’s not the Musing today. When I first heard his single, ‘Stay With Me’ I liked it … because I’d heard it before. I remember tooling down the road and singing along with it, only the words I sang didn’t match up because I was actually singing Tom Petty’s ’I Won’t Back Down.’

And yet I never heard any mention of the similarities until now, when I heard that Smith has agreed tofork over songwriting royalties to Tom Petty after Petty's lawyers called him out on the very apparent similarities.

But I keep wondering why it took so long; I mean, I knew this months ago. Maybe I should be Petty’s lawyer?

I’d never heard of Joni Ernst, the newly elected Republican senator from Iowa, until she was tapped to give the Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address last week, in which she spoke about her family’s humble beginnings and wearing bread bag on her feet:

“They had very little to call their own except the sweat on their brow and the dirt on their hands. But they worked, they sacrificed, and they dreamed big dreams for their children and grandchildren.”

It all sounds very Joad Family — Google it youngsters — except … Ernst failed to mention that her family did not succeed alone, but had a boatload of federal cash to help them out.

Her father, Richard Culver, received $14,705 in conservation payments and $23,690 in commodity subsidies by the US government, while his brother, Dallas Culver, received $367,141 in federal aid, with some $250,000 geared toward corn subsidies. And the brothers’ late grandfather Harold Culver received $57,479 from the government between 1995 and 2001.

But the farm subsidies weren't the only payments her family received: a construction company owned by Joni’s daddy received more than $200,000 in county contracts while Joni served as auditor of Montgomery County, Iowa, despite a strict conflict of interest code governing contracts to family members of county officials.

Uh huh. I guess with all that government money coming in, Little Joni Ernst never bought a computer to see what a quick Google search would bring up when you start spouting off about being poor and working hard and getting nearly half a million dollars in federal aid.

But she’s a Republican so they don’t like to talk about that stuff. Now, I’m sure her family worked hard — farming is hard — but they did not do it alone, and for her to play it off like they did is the typical GOP bull sh*t.

Shame on you Joni.

Rumor has it — and I heard it from Rachel Maddow — that Bryan Fischer, the virulently anti-gay Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, has been fired.

Maddow says the firing was due to Israeli press reporting that Reince Preibus and the RNC are taking a trip to Israel which is being funded by the AFA, while Fischer has said, more than once in his program, that "Jews have no right to practice the faith of Judaism in the United States" and that The Gays are behind the Holocaust and Naziism.

Fischer, for his part, says he has not been fired. Stay tuned.

I’d never heard of Hozier before, but one night, driving home from work, I heard this little ditty, ‘Take Me To Church’ and it has been stuck in my head ever since.

It doesn’t hurt that it’s an anti-organized religion tune, which plays up the hypocrisy of organized faith, and that there's a couple of gay guys in it.