America Is Too Smart to Build Any More Churches

Ye foolish sheep. So easily led astray. Ye have thought that the War on Christmas was just an annual event, lasting a few weeks. But what if this war hath been going on for decades?

A survey of the good hard data about Jesus and his earthly minions leads me to a single chilling conclusion: Satan has been slowly tightening his grasp on America's scrotum ever since the hippies began fucking one another, outside of the bonds of holy matrimony. Today, that scrotal clench is tighter than ever. For "ye of little faith" (some humor) who may doubt the seriousness of this existential threat to America's soul, consider the state of church-building in the nation that white Christian slaveowners built. The Wall Street Journal reports:

Construction of religious buildings in the U.S. has fallen to the lowest level at any time since private records began in 1967. Religious groups will build an estimated 10.3 million square feet this year, down 6% from 2013 and 80% since construction peaked in 2002, according to Dodge Data & Analytics. In terms of dollars, spending on houses of worship totaled $3.15 billion last year, down by half from a decade earlier, according to Commerce Department figures.

Hang your heads in shame, ye lazy heathens. What was once the holiest nation on earth now spends five times more on sex toys than it does on building houses of worship for THE LORD THY GOD.

Is this true, America—you prefer lubricated vibrating dildos to be inserted into each and every orifice and moved back and forth in a frantic manner to sitting in church on Sunday? Well?