We Know What You Look Like In A Bikini, Lindsay

Because Lindsay Lohan lives in an imaginary world where she’s a sober Oscar-winning actress and not a prostitute who files frivolous lawsuits for money on the side, why would she be aware of a worldwide information system with readily available photographs of how she really looks in a bikini? So here she is on Instagram in a darkened room pushing the defreckler filter to its limits on the off-chance someone will look at her and go, “Now there’s a beautiful woman whose price I won’t try to haggle down after wondering if emphysema is contagious on account of hearing her siren’s voice.” It’s practically foolproof.

“If you put the clothes back and pose for a picture, we won’t call the cops.”
“Fine…” – Two minutes earlier

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t think Lindsay has that many bruises, that many of them are actually movable tattoos. Unless, of course, touching her with ten-foot poles is some sort of new chargeable sexual activity.