BREAKING NEWS: Managing Director to withdraw staff bonuses again, just to be a prick

A piece of shit Managing Director isn’t going to pay out on bonuses promised to overworked staff just so he can be a complete bastard, it has been revealed.

Successful e-commerce tyrant, Ray Dawkins, 52, has revealed bonuses promised to exhausted staff won’t be issued because he’d rather play with their emotions while pretending to be liked and admired. He explained: “We’re in very pressing times and people must accept that. Not for me of course – business is booming, haha.”

“In all seriousness, I accept that some of them could think I’m moving the goalposts, but I call it character building. It’s as if some people want a financial reward for reaching targets which I might as well pull out of my arse. I can’t win.”

“Besides, our Head of Technology didn’t wear a tie last Friday and he left at five. I can’t say that’s why, though – I’m not a complete monster.”

Fed-up Head of E-commerce, Becky Dinting, said: “I wouldn’t mind, but it was his fucking idea in the first place to reward the team and, now, he’s looked at the actual sum, he’s acting like a child for ‘being forced to share’ a few poxy grand with the people who keep making him richer. Three houses he’s got – he’s never even here.”

“Now I’ve got to go back and tell everyone getting fuck all isn’t a bad thing as it ‘will be put into next year’. I don’t even know what that even means anymore.”

Mr Dawkins explained that rewarding staff just for going above and beyond was a “frivolous exercise” which isn’t rooted in commercial sense. Speaking from the golf course, the rich tosspot added: “I’ve even got this bet going with one the other directors how long we can keep our “shares in the company reward” promise going before we’re found out. Six months its been. Fantastic!”

Senior Developer Nathan Bobson, 32, chipped-in: “I’ve had my notice written out for a month and purposely haven’t handed it in yet. I’ve already sounded out who in the team I’ll take with me to my new job, which wasn’t hard.”

“I’m sure I’ll be painted as the unreasonable one. As if 60 hours a week for the pay-cut I took when I first came is ‘living the dream’.”