Me and Miss Bee: The Ask

My husband and I recently started teaching Miss Bee to ask for things. Can she say “please” and “thank you”? No. I figured it was never too early to start teaching her manners. I had the opportunity to reflect on the art of The Ask and it dawned on me that there is so much more to asking for something than please and thank you.

As a child, I knew exactly what I wanted. Unlike Mary Poppins, I am not at all practically perfect in every way and did the things most children do that make their parents cringe. I pleaded, sulked and I am sure I threw a tantrum or two. Naturally, all of these behaviours had consequences. I learned some lessons from my father; for instance, delayed gratification. If there was a toy or a book I desperately wanted, he tested my resolve by making me save up for it.

I’ll just sum up a mostly ordinary life by saying that life changes some of us. In the words of Madonna “a lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want.” I saw women I worked with afraid to ask for a raise although they very much deserved it. When I felt I had earned a pay increase, I looked around me and thought “so and so has been here for years, who I am to ask for a raise?” I knew what I wanted and I knew I had earned it yet I didn’t have the nerve to ask for it. What did I get? Exactly what I had asked for: nothing.

A pivotal time in my life was when Miss Bee was hospitalized. I have said time and again that the 7 weeks in two hospitals changed me. I had to learn for Miss Bee’s sake and my own to ask. Really ask, not couch an ask in a vague manner for fear of being too pushy, too forward, too bossy.

During this growth phase, some of my asks where rather raw. I can remember the very heated conversation I had with the nurses, who were unable to answer critical questions, when it was decided that Miss Bee would airlifted from Edmonton to Grande Prairie. Part of me was ashamed for causing a fuss. I stood my ground; my newborn couldn’t breathe without help and they couldn’t answer my questions about the respiratory equipment or what type of health care professional would be flying with us. As Miss Bee’s mother, I had every right to ask my questions and if the transport coordinator couldn’t answer them, there was a problem.

She did answer them and the transfer went smoothly. She was a bit stunned and told me no parent had ever asked so many questions. Having spoken to many parents, they had been petrified during their children’s transfers and had been afraid to ask questions. I remembered my dad’s simple words “you don’t ask, you don’t get.”

I don’t buy into the notion that men are born with the art of The Ask already in their genetic code. I do see the statistics that men move ahead faster than women, are given leadership roles over women and are more direct. I have noticed that all the people who get ahead, whatever their gender or ambition may be, know how to ask for what they want. Why are so many women afraid to ask? Not one to be shy, Madonna gave me the answer I was looking for: “I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.” The “b” words get us: bossy, bitch. There are others; suffice it to say most of us don’t want to be perceived as any of these. Yet if your approach is respectful but direct, what is so wrong with asking?

Some good friends inspired me to listen to my Madonna collection this weekend (thanks Teena and Sunni!). I danced with Miss Bee to the song Little Star. I was laughing as I sang “never forget who you are, little star, never forget how to dream, butterfly” but then I solemnly told Miss Bee “that’s right, don’t you ever forget!”

I might have been a little silly, but I don’t want Miss Bee to ever forget who she is and what she’s worth. I am teaching her to ask for things she wants, ask for help – this is what I call The Ask 101. My hope is that she learns how to ask for what she wants, what she has worked for and put aside any fear about how she will come across for asking. The only “b” word I want her to think people will call her is Miss Bee.

The Woman on Fire column will be back next week, hope you will join me in celebration of another amazing woman in our midst!