Just another confused little American girl… Rambling my way through the thoughts and the days.

I was talking to my walking buddy the other day about how atrocious my memory has gotten. Call it age, whatever you want I just think more years= more to remember. There are things that I do vividly recall. Times and places with people who have come and gone in my life. Often times I’ll hear a song on the radio and it will transport me back to a moment, a little sliver of time that’s associated with the words and verses strung together in a melody. This is why I love music so much. Sometimes they’re good moments, others not so good. Some, like my first kiss and the Tom Petty song playing at the time are forever entwined. That particular memory is bitter sweet. The recollection of the hope of my first kiss and the knowledge of what the boy did to my heart at a later moment in time (and another song) forever sealed in my mind. Some songs make me recall newer memories, some songs older. Many songs I can remember only from the back seat of a car. My father singing along with all the windows down on the way to an adventure. The happiness I felt even then in a car, singing as loud as I could over the wind and the radio I still feel. That’s why all my cars need sunroofs and loud stereos.

There are also smells that make me remember. The smell of the cold, wet wool sweater my mother wore home on Thursday nights when she worked. The smell of wood, saw dust, and varnish that my Dad brought in from his work. He used to drive in with the Doobie Brothers blaring, his hair in all forms of disarray. Model glue when my brother was younger then beer and Abercrombie cologne accompanied with the bass of Atmosphere and Andre Nickatina when he was older. Burning oil of a VW bug and Tom Jones from my very first boyfriend. Cigarettes and Counting Crows remind me of a very dear friend I lost when my world fell apart. The moistness of redwood groves and freshly mowed meadows of UCSC are forever associated with my discovery of country music. Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros and the lotion they had in the hotel room during my honeymoon will always make me remember the first time someone called me by my married name… That smell and my husbands smile when I know he recognizes it still gives me butterflies.

I don’t know why my mind does this. I try to capture a song and a smell to help me remember the important stuff. It saddens me that I just can’t remember who and why and how anymore at times. I try and try to recall but it seems like if there isn’t a song or a smell the moments are forgotten.

Not really sure why I chose that as the title… I really like the name Annabelle, it’s also possibly because I think if I were someone else I wouldn’t feel how I feel most of the time. I’m not trying to complain but I hate being stuck in my own head sometimes, well actually most of the time. I spend a considerable amount of time trying to talk myself out of thinking so much which is really just more thinking. The amount of pointless and paranoid thoughts I have number a quantity beyond what can be measured by humans. I don’t know when it started but I’ve always been so unbearably aware of the consuming chaos that resides in my brain. It makes it hard to make decisions. It makes it hard to have friends. It makes it hard for me to feel like I ever do anything “right”. It also makes me supremely aware that there is no “right”, or “wrong” just a million different variables I obsess over which lead me to the place I am.

FLOUNDERING.

I am overwhelmed by my inner dialogue, the hundreds of thousands of what ifs whirl around each other and because I lack confidence I do nothing. At least this place (home) I can control. I can let people in, I can make people get out. But if I go somewhere there’s outside things I can’t control. Especially since I can’t even control what’s going on in my head it feels like it’s too much. It seems to me that every time I go anywhere everyone knows I have no freaking clue what the hell I am doing out in the “real world” so I try to avoid it unless I have someone to handle the things that I can’t or don’t want to. I feel like a giant fake and a fraud. Is the world is full of cyborgs who don’t have to deal with my obsessive thoughts and know exactly what to say to push me over the edge and straight back to the sacred comfort of my house?

YES! According to my brain.

I wish there was a way I could shut it off but there isn’t. I have tried unsuccessfully to experiment with ways to discover my shut off valve but I have only gotten myself in trouble and failed miserably. If I were named Annabelle I could be tougher, maybe I’d have a cool accent and my eyesight wouldn’t be so horrible. Annabelle would never “shermit” (my husband’s name for my hiding from reality). Annabelle would have done all the things I did “wrong”, “right”.

I am conscious that these feelings are not unique to me. Lots and lots of people cope with anxiety and a large volume of thoughts. It really is better than it has been in years. With age comes wisdom… I guess today I’m just regressing and can’t get a handle on what’s bugging me. So now I’m wishing I’m someone who never had to deal with it. We’ll see how it goes I guess.

I know that I’ve been struggling lately. I tend to hermit when I start floundering, this has been the case lately. My social anxiety gets to a point where I am afraid to pick up the phone and make a doctor appointment. I make excuses like “I really don’t feel good” to get out of normal adult responsibilities like going to the grocery store. Then when I do manage to get to my destination I feel super awkward with whoever I have to talk to. I said before that days all one kind keep chasing each other and well I keep letting them. I’ve forgotten that my happiness is my choice. It’s the choice between staying up until all hours of the night so I sleep most of the next morning away and find myself rushing to shower before my husband is supposed to come home at 5 o’clock. I procrastinate even putting on clothes with a million excuses but most often that “I don’t want to disturb the dog who is such a sweet little cuddle bug he curls up on some part of my body.” oh and there’s the ever positive “I don’t have anywhere to go anyway so why not save myself some laundry.”

But this my friends has to stop today. I must hold myself accountable and make some rules and guidelines for myself. I am the one standing between myself and my bliss. I am lazy and complacent and need to choose activities and behaviors that are healthy, active, and motivating. I cannot let myself get caught up in my head and lost in a sea of unknown. I must tackle one day at a time, one decision at a time, one workout at a time. It is the difference between a million days chasing each other and leading to more of this…. Cause this isn’t working anymore.

Tomorrow I will wake up, I will work out, I will choose to do things that make me uncomfy and slowly day by day find my way back to my happiness. And if sometimes bacon and beer get in my way I will do everything I can to not beat myself up about it.

Sometimes late at night my thoughts run away from me. It feels like I’m trying to chase them through darkness. I can’t catch up and everything I do to stop them makes them swirl around me faster and faster. They mock me. They torment me. They enrage me and shame me. If I could just sleep they would stop. Tears fill my eyes and a ball of dread fills my stomach. My cheeks feel warm and from experience I know there’s nothing I can do to stop the impending self-hatred.

Everything I have done has brought me to this point in my life. I know how lucky I am to have such an amazing family, a wonderful husband an adorable and cuddly dog. A fantastic wardrobe… In this darkness nothing matters. I can’t talk myself out of how stupid or ugly I am. All that matters are my mistakes and my failures. I can’t let go of what I could have done differently and appreciate where I am.

I feel like the world’s biggest fraud. I feel like I’m cracking into a million pieces and every time I try to muster a smile and go about my day everyone can see I’m a second away from shattering into a million pieces.

This has happened before and from experience I expect it to happen again.

I quit my new job… After 5 years (and 2 companies) I finally came to terms with the fact that banking just wasn’t for me. The thing I’m beating myself up about it that I knew it all along. It’s been a month without the constant stress and dread. A month I haven’t had anyone but myself tell me my best isn’t good enough. It’s been a huge relief not to hear it from outside my own brain, I just can’t help but wonder what it’s going to take to stop it completely. I have tried in the past to drown it out with various degrees of success and more failure than I can measure.

I look around me and know I am not that different from others, but nighttime arrives and I couldn’t feel more alienated. At midnight I couldn’t feel more lost and alone with my feelings and thoughts. It feels like somehow I always end up here…. Alone late at night with the ghosts of my past, wondering how I can banish them and enjoy my future.

I’m totally going to get my period…. I can tell because I can’t listen to a freaking song without tearing up, and yesterday at work when the new auditor I was trying to introduce myself to via email was exceptionally rude and replied to MY BOSS instead of acknowledging my existence I had a fleeting desire to walk out of the building. After almost 5 years with my previous company I made the difficult decision to move on. Too many days would go by where I felt unhappy and unappreciated. I started to feel resentful and angry. It also was apparent that my hard work wasn’t important and would never be rewarded with a fair raise or promotion. It’s difficult for me not to think I failed and realize that the economy, corporate structure, and the people chosen to be authority figures were most likely the reason I couldn’t succeed. I’m trying to be relieved that I got out and moved on. At least I won’t ever have to cash a check someone sh*t on or have a customer burp in my face. My boss seems knowledgeable and fair. I think she understands that her job is anything that needs to be done and doesn’t put things off until a day before the audit and then tries to find and fix everything that should have been done for the last 6 months. It doesn’t matter that she and I aren’t best friends, we’re coworkers. I can smile and ask her how her weekend was without worrying that because I wouldn’t go get drunk at happy hour with her I’m not going to get my vacation time approved. But I’m at a loss. While many things are the same because I’m still in the same field, many things are different. For the first time in a long time I’m not an expert and I can’t help the way I’m accustomed to because I have to learn a new system and variations of procedures. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. The hubo keeps trying to reassure me but I feel so confused… I want to be able to do it all already. It’s so hard for me to slow down and ask for help. Plus by taking this job I made it impossible to continue to go to school. I guess I didn’t realize when I was doing it that I was giving up my dream because I was torn about finishing. Now that it’s gone I’m sad. I know that I’m making this sacrifice for my family because we want to purchase a home in the near future and school was getting more and more expensive. I love my family and the life that we’re building together but I still want to feel the same satisfaction at work. I don’t know where this new job is heading… It has only been like a week of actual work (I had 2 weeks of training) but I just feel so out-of-sorts. I need to lift my head, look at the opportunity in the eye and roll with the punches but now I’M GOING TO GET MY STUPID PERIOD AND WANT TO CRY OVER A COUNTRY MUSIC LYRIC!

Well it’s a done deal! I apologize that I didn’t blog about our entire wedding process. Things distracted me…. But it was an amazing day and we absolutely loooved how everything turned out. I am so lucky to have and to have joined such a loving, wonderful and talented family. Special thanks to my new SIL (sister-in law) I was so worried about her, being pregnant and sick during the wedding but she made it gorgeous and included like everything we had ever talked about. A bonus is that the photobooth the Hubo built has already been “rented” out twice! Maybe we’ll launch a DIY photobooth business and be able to afford our dream fixer-upper sooner than we thought! So excited to share these gorgeous pics from our new friend Kurt Manley (www.kurtmanley.com). There’s lotsa new stuff going on and I’m hoping to have more time to blog in the future but I’m off to go enjoy newlywed bliss!

I’m beating myself up for not documenting all the projects we’ve done and items we’ve procured from flea markets etc. for the wedding and blogging about them. But like lots of other things wedding related I’m embracing all the good stuff. It’s easy to get stressed and obsessed with the details and forget the important things… Which is ROMANBOWUBBLEARD love. I’m learning to let go and enjoy the process! Plus now we’ve entered what I’m going to call the party phase. Engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette and bachelor parties plus a rehearsal dinner! We get to see everyone that we love at so many events and they’re coming all to celebrate us! I think I speak for Josh as well when I say it’s hard to express how grateful we are and how much it means to share this time and make these memories with everyone. We are so lucky!