You are here: Home/*Special*/ TRJ Shrinks Yo’ Mind: Why Some Black Women Can’t Take a Compliment

TRJ Shrinks Yo’ Mind: Why Some Black Women Can’t Take a Compliment

November 24, 2012 | Tracy Renee Jones |

After the simple post that turned into a not so simple chaotic room full of people fussing at each other, our resident W/men folk posed a question regarding Black women’s perceived hostility when it comes to receiving compliments from rainboo’s, I decided to dig deeper.

See, I have my own non-professional theory of why it is that some (read: Black) women have a hard time accepting a compliment.

Be it for something physical or a character determination, if you give these type of women a compliment they will find an issue with what was said. Regardless of what the motivation was of the person who extended the pleasantry.

I also want to go further, that this isn’t the BW reaction to W/men, its a reaction to men in general.

See, I use a behavior modification technique I call logic. I take the actions of another, and judge it against how I would behave in the same circumstance and then draw a conclusion on how I interpret what has transpired.

See, when people compliment each other, they do it from a positive place, yes?

In order to give a compliment, one has to a) notice you and then b) determine something about you to be different or special and then c) they must convey their acknowledgement to you.

See that last part right there?

Yes, that’s the part where he may choose to stop keeping his thoughts to himself and instead, he attempts to tell you how he feels. You may or may not care, I’m not asking you to.

This is often where men have to decide if getting next to you and then voicing their observation of you to you is worth getting kicked in the proverbial gonads.

Both men and women enjoy compliments. It makes them feel good. Compliments can be like a verbal high five so why do some women cringe, claw and scurry away when told how someone took notice of them?

Attribution theory is what is used to describe how we feel about a comment made by someone else.

In short, when we hear a compliment, we judge the validity of the comment against our perception of ourselves.

If what is said goes against how we feel, and what we feel about ourselves, the immediate reaction is suspicion. We presume this person is mocking us, rather than complimenting us, because we do not notice, or we do not believe, their observation to be true.

Those with low self esteem may reject a compliment, or become angry at the person offering the compliment because the attention is foreign to him/her. Your compliment may go against everything they’ve ever thought or been told about themselves, i.e., a beautiful Mocha complexion sounds like ‘you’re so damn black that I couldn’t help but to notice how damn Black you are!”

It’s also very possible that the subject of the compliment has become a sore spot for the person due to the BC’s habit of diminishing or vilifying things which other cultures may simply deem as unique or special, i.e., a gap toothed smile as beautiful versus having ‘buck ass teef’.

Those with high self esteem seek to diminish their perceived edge and may make an attempt at deflecting a compliment. This action is displayed by a woman who may be self conscious about the very thing that you are trying to convey your appreciation of.

This may have been developed when she/he was discouraged from showing pride or feeling preference for some perceived talent or difference.

On the flip side, those who have been given the room to feel proud of accomplishments, talents or other attributes become comfortable with an outside observance of what they know to be true.

As I was researching for this piece I found that fit into this type, and will often use humor to take the attention away from myself. I sometimes want the other person to feel comfortable and not intimidated by me, since I’ve been told that my self confidence can be off putting to those who aren’t raging ego maniacs such as myself.

But usually, the devil gets the best of me and I further my reasons for burning in Hell.

Do you know how beautiful you are?

My Typical Response #1: *looks around uncomfortably….forces a smile*” They say beauty is only skin deep” deflection or

My Typical Response #2: “Yes, I hear it quite often” ego tripping.

I would apologize but for the fact that I am confident about things that have been quantified, qualified, tallied, stated, awarded and bought to my attention these last few decades. You’ll forgive me for having internalized and understood certain things to be true.

I make no apologize to anyone for their feelings of inferiority due to their perception of my superiority nor should you. If you needed permission to feel special…there it is. *blank stare*

All jokes aside, a female with confidence is not something the Black Community (or society at large) tolerates for reasons I do not know. For a culture that can claim some amazing people, places and things, who gets to take the credit for being the extraordinary individuals that make up such a phenomenon if you’re constantly reminded that you ain’t shit???!

There are instances upon instances of ways in which we’re taught that we ‘ain’t all that’, even if we have proof that we are or happen to just think that we are, special.

Who Took Away Your Special?

Was it your dysfunctional mother who was jealous of you and your potential or was it your father who hated himself so much that he hated you for reminding him of how great he could have been?

Religious: We’re all the same under God’s and each other’s eyes-“There is NOTHING about YOU that is special”

Physically: Don’t be so vain- “You think you’re cute because…..”

Socially: Strong in-groups that support integration and ostracism for anything perceived as an ‘outsider’ or behaviors that threaten their own.

Academically: Being White/Talking White also known as, “You talk funny”, which subconsciously associates acting White with academic success. This belief denies Black children the power to believe that they can and should compete in an effort to be winners and/or losers.

What can be gained from causing those with more artistic talent, better looks, greater athletic ability, higher intellect, beautiful skin, amazing legs, super model height, seven octave voices, resourceful parents, or creative genius to behave as less than they are.

If people are taught to disregard their individual strength or societal ‘edge’ it only causes the mediocre among the group to feel reassured. It does nothing for those who are capable of more to hold back other than allowing the average people a chance to feel special by giving them YOUR special.

Don’t give away your special!!! When you do this, you rob yourself of your true potential because in order to want more for yourself, your must first think you are worthy of AND capable of obtaining it.

The strange counterproductive behaviors that are all over Blackistan are nothing more than a reflection of how these people feel about themselves and their lives. I’ve often observed so many families and friends and felt that there was a huge black cloud of emotional dysfunction looming just above my head.

I saw it, but I couldn’t describe it to make anyone else see it……it was the Blob.

The realization that something ‘just isn’t right’ was my internal quality of life compass telling me that these people may not necessarily be on the same road as you or I may be traveling.

Luckily, my insane confidence in the fact that I am intelligent and a good decision maker caused me to consider and then disregard most of what I was told about life in general by the people around me. I wondered if their negative comments, and ass backward point of views contributed to the hostility, abuse and neglect they show to themselves and others.

When I hear a compliment from a friendly stranger I take it all in and bask in the glow of the specialness that is I…..in my ability to bounce back, in my resourcefulness, in my large circle of caring friends and family and in the fact that when someone says I can’t…it’s simply easier to show them (and myself), that I can and am all that I believe that I am.

Or my amazing hair.

My beautiful smile

Or my mesmerizing saunter!!

So when you Rainboo’s approach a BW and offer a compliment and find that she scowls at you rather than offering the smile you had hoped for, check your fly…and if its closed, then realize its not you-its her.

No loss, I promise you.

Could you go on to love a woman (or man) who clearly thinks you are either a cruel or blind fool? There’s nothing special about them, and maybe they’re right.

Can the inability to determine what is or is not true based on ones own perception interfere in ways beyond simple compliments? It sure does….the pungent odor of inferiority and disbelief in the value of yourself and others is beginning to choke me.

I agree with you to an extent. But one thing I think is that some women like myself can sometimes be upset with a compliment based on my perception of man not how I perceive myself.

For example: I was recently told I was pretty and asked out by a man I’ve known for years. When he first complimented me I made a sour face and said nothing, simply because I’ve seen the type of women he usually goes for and he has obviously overlooked me for years. My first thought was (Why now).

Then as we continued to talk he mentioned his failed relationship and failure to meet decent women, which reassured me that my sour face was appropriate; he was only trying to get with me because he was lonely and desperate. No woman wants to be a mans last choice. So I’m sure there are some other girls out there like me who just have a really good judge of character. If I think someone is genuine I have no problem smiling at them and saying thank you, and even throwing them a compliment back.

tracyreneejones

@Nichole_Lyrik exactly, you did see the part where I mentioned that you may or may not cat about the person approaching you, this post if those those who would find fault with (fill in the blank dream boo) giving them a genuine compliment. Luckily, this isn’t you.

Brenda55

@Nichole_Lyrik
This is my take for what it is worth….which may be nothing based of this small sample of the situation.
“I was recently told I was pretty and asked out by a man I’ve known for years. When he first complimented me I made a sour face and said nothing, simply because I’ve seen the type of women he usually goes for and he has obviously overlooked me for years. My first thought was (Why now).”

That is good. You know this guy so your radar was up. Time to vet.

“Then as we continued to talk he mentioned his failed relationship and failure to meet decent women, which reassured me that my sour face was appropriate; he was only trying to get with me because he was lonely and desperate. ”

Really? Do you think that he possibly has learned that the kind of women he went for in the past did not meet his needs and he is now moving in another direction relationship wise? Lots a guys go for arm candy and later find them lacking. They change and then discover that their perfect fit was under their nose all along. You know the guy and you know his history so he is not for you. Some other woman not knowing his history will give him a shot and will make a go if it with him. That may be what he needs at this point. He realizes that something about his past relationships did not work so he needs to change up.

You seem to feel that his approach to you after all this time is his settling and it may well be. It could also be his waking up to your fine qualities finally. Since you know him you may always have those doubts about him so you passed on his offer. Again that was the right thing to do judging by what you posted.

True no woman wants to be the consolation prize. Some woman is going to hook up with him however and may not see herself that way. She is meeting the new him and she will move forward from there with him. All I am saying is that life changes you and you grow and the beliefs you held evolve and the people you thought worked for you in the past may not in the future. When this happens you try something or someone new.
You may even go back and take a second look at something or someone you discounted in the past seeing them for the first time with a fresher vision.

Loneliness and desperation are great motivators to make a change in your life. For this man it means that he seeks a mate and now has a better idea of where to look and what he is looking for. He will keep looking until he finds that mate. You have determined that you are not the one and you made the right call for you. Yet keep an eye on him to see where this all ends up. You may be surprised that the women he chooses is more like you than those he has dated in the past.

@Brenda55 @Nichole_Lyrik you’re right this was time to vet, which would have been a few key questions and she would have been sure if his intentions. But most bw still don’t know how to vet so their suspicions turn into paranoia that of course, no one wants them. We are own worse enemies.

Jamila

“…he has obviously overlooked me for years.”

And that’s really what it boils down to. When someone who has been looking us dead in the face for years suddenly starts to take an interest–or, worse yet, comes back around trying to get some play after they rejected us in the past–it is perfectly natural to be suspicious of their intentions, motives, and sincerity. Even if the person is being genuine, 9 times out fo 10 we won’t be trying to hear it because of how they treated us in the past.

I’m not really sure why so many so bw have issues with taking compliments nor do I really care, I’ll take those they reject. I’m an opportunist. But if a man fumes me a compliment I don’t feel any obligation to suck his d!ck, ladies its not that serious. And TRJ I think you might be on to something.

I mean *gives* me a compliment. I must say, I really perceive that some of the bw on here have an issue with the wm complimenting them b/c they may not be up to their looks standards. I’m just saying, if a hottie compliments you, I wouldn’t think anyone would go left at that. Yea but promoting shallow gets us what we got here. I’m just saying.

tracyreneejones

@eugeniaberg thanks, babe. I’m telling women not to focus on the intention of the source of the compliment, rather, their interpretation of the compliment. A toothless crack head mentioning my delightful ankles in no way diminishes the delightfulness of said ankle, ya dig?

@tracyreneejones yes, I don’t stop for every compliment sometimes I’m just doing me. But every time some guy says ‘I like your…’ Or ‘you’re…is beautiful’ I’m not falling at his feet and I’m not going to go berserk either. Unless someone is being ‘extra’ most stuff deserves a neutral response and for me to go on with my life.

FriendsofJay

@eugeniaberg Here’s another gym story. One day I was talking to a young, pretty black woman who works in housekeeping at the gym. She said something to the effect of, “I’ve got white in me.” To which I said, ” I don’t think color makes any difference.” She then looked at me like I was going to take a bite out of her. I said. “Sarah, what’s wrong/” She said nothing, but she gave the impression of wanting to get as far away from me as she could. For months after that, whenever she saw me she walked the other way. I couldn’t figure it out. Then one day three or four months later, she’s smiling at me and talking the way we used to. Well, when this happens to a guy, he thinks, “she acting some girly way that a guy doesn’t understand.” Anybody want to take a shot at telling me what was happening? I remain bewildered.

@FriendsofJay don’t know something you said freaked her out. The point is we can’t really do anything about other ppl we come across, we can’t even figure them out b/c the time we spend is so brief. Just keep being nice, everyone may not respond but someone will.

onthewaydown

@FriendsofJay @eugeniaberg I’m as confused as you are.

onthewaydown

@FriendsofJay I’m as confused as you are.

onthewaydown

@eugeniaberg Well…some time ago I couldn’t take compliments from anyone. Not even the handsome men. Especially not the handsome men. There have been a few times when very cute guys have complimented something about me (my hair, or that I look pretty today), but I tried to convince them that they didn’t mean what they were saying. What can I say? I had such low self-esteem and I was intimidated by handsome men. 🙁

onthewaydown

@eugeniaberg That said, I don’t disagree with you or anything…I’m just thinking out loud.

@onthewaydown it can be hard to take compliments from anyone when you have some self esteem issues. But I’m glad you worked through those, you should eat up all compliments from men. Hey as long as he’s not being harassing or stalking you, I take it and just say thank you. And know that someone finds us attractive even if we don’t always feel it.

@onthewaydown that’s okay I wasn’t offended, I don’t wait around to be offended. I understood what you said. I had some issues in my early 20s, specifically b/c I was an introvert and very shy. After awhile I had to focus less on me and take it for what it was, someone being kind. Not much ever came of these things except my thank you and nice ego boost for me. I’d love to see more carefree bw, carefree women take compliments well.

Awe, thank you for inspiring the theme. I love your writing and I’m supportive of people talking through ignorance, its the only way those who choose to, can learn. We’re all learning. I still feel guilty for compliments regarding my looks, and realized that while writing this. Keep up the ire, its making this place more lively. @EarthJeff

EarthJeff

@tracyreneejones @EarthJeff “Keep up the ire, its making this place more lively.”
thank you. I am working on my next EJBee installment right now…. they do seem to have some following…. lol….

Ms. Kay

Great piece Tracy! #keep it coming.

“I sometimes want the other person to feel comfortable and not intimidated by me, since I’ve been told that my self confidence can be off putting to those who aren’t raging ego maniacs such as myself.”….Yes I can relate lol!!

I have often wonder why some girls can’t take a compliment. Its all making sense.

Jamila

I think you make a good point Tracy. Often times when someone compliments us on the very thing that we have usually been downed for in the past, we will have a hard time accepting it. I think for many black women this happens with their looks. Far too often they may have been rejected for being too dark-skinned, and then when they meet a man who compliments them on their skin color they won’t believe that the new guy is being sincere. As you said, a lot of this comes down to internalized low self-esteem–something that a black woman may not even be aware she suffers from due to the way that so many black women have become adept at putting on mannerisms and displays designed to indicate (and get other people to believe) they have HIGH self-esteem.

tracyreneejones

@Jamila thanks, i also wanted to point out how no black woman is the appropriate shade, nor pretty enough to be allowed to exist with whatever society may deem her to be. It seems BC doesn’t encourage appearance, other then being demure, nor intellect because then one is seen as ‘white’ or ‘haughty’ because they can read and maybe ‘do maf good’.

I’m not good at accepting compliments…I had a 30-year barrage of sarcasm from my mother, supported by schoolmates, teachers, and bosses. When I hear a compliment aimed at me, I get nervous. I expect one of two things:

1. The other shoe to drop — the compliment to be merely the set-up for the put-down. I see myself at that moment as “Carrie,” sitting on the throne at the prom, as the pig’s blood is about to drench me from head to toe. Unlike Sissy Spacek, I do not have psychic powers to punish my tormentors. But I still expect the fake compliment to be followed with the actual statement of contempt and fury.

2. The demand for something — the compliment is merely the set-up for me to become the solution to the questioner’s once-little, now-massive problem. Back in school, it was the unreachable girls begging me for the answers to the upcoming history test. Today, it’s the journalist with a 3-hour deadline hoping I cut down all barriers to enable her to interview the Mayor about something trivial — while the Mayor is trapped in an emergency budget meeting. If I fail to meet my questioner’s demand and solve his/her problem, I am dirt. If I succeed, my questioner dashes off to bask in his/her triumph, which I had nothing to do with.

The archetype of this is the CNN Style reporter who called me during the Democratic National Convention, with a desperate request to interview the Mayor within the next three hours, live, by phone, to get the answer to a critical question upon which her survival — not to mention CNN’s — depended. Why did the Mayor wear a purple tie while he gave his big speech at the convention?

I had three thoughts:

1. “I never saw a purple tie, I never hope to see one. But this I’ll tell you anyhow, I’d rather see than be one.”
2. “Maybe it was the only one in his drawer that morning.”
3. “What did Kim Kardashian wear to her party last night? Is that right? Good. Now, name for me your state’s two US Senators.”

Instead, I just told the young lady that the Mayor had a very tight schedule at the convention (which he did), but that she should send me the request by e-mail (which she did not), so we could review it.

Sadly, I never got that e-mail…it would have gone viral by now.

But many of these compliments-followed-by-a-request are usually conveyed in the manner that my questioner has botched up a situation and desperately needs my help to undo it. “David, you’re a wonderful writer, can you do this retirement proclamation for me?” Sure, when’s it due. Shuffling of feet, look at the floor. “Well, the retirement party is in two hours.” When did you know about this party? “Three weeks ago.” Why didn’t you call me then? No real explanation. But if I don’t do the proclamation, there will be hell to pay. For me. Not for the questioner. She will just present it at the party, and everyone will congratulate her on getting the proco done.

So that’s how I feel about compliments…there is always another shoe to drop…either yanking the rug out from under my feet while everyone laughs, or calling upon me to make great efforts on their behalf, making their failure to plan into my disaster.

The result is that I prefer flat-out, old-fashioned chew-outs and denunciations. At least I know exactly what I’m getting…I’m not being fooled or set up.

Jamila

@Kiwiwriter My father used to tell me “failure to plan on your part does not create an emergency on my part” whenever I would bring him something at the last minute.

OH MY GOD, I heard this so much as a child, I legitimately thought I had some sort of speech problem. Turned out it just meant I was “strange” because my parents insisted I use proper English and “slang” didn’t enter my vocabulary until I was an adult.

If I’d known then what I known now, I would have felt a lot better. It can be hurtful as a child thinking there’s something wrong with you for sounding like you’ve made ample use of the educational system. 😐

tracyreneejones

Same here, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what everyone meant when they would say that. Kids would ask me to speak and say certain words, as if I was a foreigner with a charming accent. This reminded me of the amount of black boys who could do math, and conceptualized economics and other theories far beyond their education. But where does potential go, when you’re reminded potential and effort makes no difference when you are black and/or poor. Now I’m sad @Toni_M

@tracyreneejones @Toni_M It’s very sad, because who knows what these kids could have accomplished if they weren’t encouraged to throw everything away.

FriendsofJay

@Toni_M Its not just AAs who think using proper English is bad. I’ve been called out for talking “snooty.” Explaining I have an MA in English doesn’t seem a like very good reason to them. When you go up in society speaking well is considered a plus, but not when you’re talking to the average man on the street.

@FriendsofJay @Toni_M I think this is one of those instances where people criticize others because of what they assume you are thinking about them. Your proper English highlights their shortcomings. So, you have to be doing that on purpose.

LaFemmeSphinx

@Toni_M I absolutely relate. My mother was in middle school when they integrated and experienced so many horrific things simply trying to receive her education. She values education despite the fact that she didn’t finish college, thus she stressed grammar amongst other academic pursuits. I was always frustrated when members of my own race would suggest that because I used proper grammar I was somehow trying to not identify with my race. I was would always inform them that they must not know what greatness they came from if they honestly believe that education and the evidence of said education is something only whites can achieve.

I find this post so intriguing. I also think that a lot of people (men and women) have no idea HOW to compliment someone. Have you ever had someone say “you look nice today.” It’s like, did I look like hell yesterday? I get compliments at work when I wear a new color or change my hair. And, it always seems like folks are shocked when I dress up. Like “wow, you look really nice in a dress!” Umm, yeah, we wear those too. But, I find that only gay men or white women bestow these compliments. Straight males (of any race) and black women are often unresponsive or critical respectively.I have gotten some of the harshest feedback from Black women even on the days when others have been gushing with accolades for me.

I am married to a wonderful black man who struggles with knowing when and how to compliment me. Its like my confidence makes him think I know already. My mother-in-law does this all the time. She will literally say “I’m not going to compliment you cause you are going to get a big head.” What the heck does that mean? Are compliments only for people with low self-esteem? I though compliments were for the beholder not the recipient. It is one’s opportunity to express themselves while brightening someone else’s day. So, there’s a mutual benefit.

So, while I agree that most Black women struggle with receiving compliments (for a host of reasons), I also think many people struggle with giving compliments to Black women. This is especially so in Black women to Black women interactions.

tracyreneejones

Totally agree. I’ll sift through meaning when some people express themselves using creatively worded compliments. “You’re soft like a Twinkie, girl”….while moving furniture in my bedroom late one night after a few glasses of wine. I’ll take am enthusiastic “Goddam!” If I’m really putting it on them. Though, those generic ‘you look nice with your hair/clothes like this…..’ Comments does make one think the opposite. Are you encouraging me to not look like I did previously or what?! LOL @JennMJack

Jamila

” She will literally say “I’m not going to compliment you cause you are going to get a big head.”

Sometimes black people can seem overly preoccupied with prepping other black people, particularly kids, for how life is going to be. It’s as if they think “life is going to be so hard for you, since your black and all, that I don’t want you be TOO excited or TOO happy because then you’ll just end up being let down.

I’ve also noticed that black people do this alot with babies.When my own daughter was younger certain people would tell me all the time to stop carrying her around so much, don’t spoil the baby. What is wrong with people that they can’t even stand to spoil babies? Why do babies, almost from the womb, have to be “roughened” up for the life ahead of them?

What is so wrong with telling someone you look nice today? Perhaps the dress you have on is particularly pretty and caught the person’s eye, so they complimented you on it. Or, if you don’t normally wear dresses (people tend to notice what is different, not what is the same) then they may take notice and give a compliment.

@Jamila Experienced the very same thing with our children! I remember on one occasion as I was sitting in a waiting room holding my son, who was just a few months old at the time, an older black woman commented that I would spoil him by holding him so much. I politely responded that you could not spoil a child by giving them attention and a chorus of white women sitting around us spoke up in agreement!

@Jamila “Sometimes black people can seem overly preoccupied with prepping other black people, particularly kids, for how life is going to be. ”

So true. The “struggle” mentality has been passed down, so it’s almost as though black children are instructed to do nothing and not bother getting their hopes up or try for better.

LaFemmeSphinx

@Toni_M @Jamila This is true. We are hurt. We are broken. We have to be healed. We have to break the cycle. The world absolutely is cruel, but having and perpetuating a defeatist mentality will never help us reach our goals or create a better legacy to hand down to our children.

@Jamila That is one of the most annoying things people believe about child-rearing. Since when did holding a baby spoil a baby? And why do we need to be hard on one another? I have a kindergartner and a toddler and each of them needs love based on their personality. To think that we have to harden out children does nothing to prepare them for healthy, loving relationships in the future. Thereby, repeating the cycle we’re talking about.

I guess my attitude is like, if the rest of the world is so tough, shouldn’t your friends and family be a place of respite? I think a lot of Black women have a hard time receiving compliments partly because we’re bred early on to distrust and to protect. Compliments reveal a certain vulnerability. We are taught we don’t “need” a man to take care of us so thusly,it would follow that we don’t need a man telling us we’re pretty.

I think Black women are de-feminized to a point that compliments come off as pretentious even when they may be coming from a good place. Just my thoughts.

LaFemmeSphinx

@JennMJack@Jamila
You brilliantly point out one of the key issues we still face as BW, we’ve lost our femininity. To be feminine is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and often times in an increasingly aggressive public space(explored in the Street Harassment article), as well as in our own lives, backgrounds, and oftentimes dangerous neighborhoods, we as BW often don’t have a safe space with which to be vulnerable, which in turn means we don’t have the safe space to be feminine.

Some of this is rooted in America’s shameful start as a nation. BM/slaves were intentionally beaten in front of their “wives/ life partners”(though, of an unspecified amount of time the slave owner would allow the two to be together before potentially separating them by way of death or commerce) in order to assert their dominance and ownership over them(i.e. The slaveowner being sure that the women slaves understood that their men can’t save them). This left BM emasculated and BW having to pick up where their “husband/life partner” left off if killed or sold. Hence the archetypal BW with neck rolling, finger pointing, “I don’t need you”, emasculating, domineering, and severe independent mentality. You weren’t allowed to be vulnerable, as you didn’t know how long your “husband/life partner” would be around, and lived under a system of tyranny. That archetype still abounds today in the BC(and yes there are other negative archetypes, but it is my opinion that most house this emasculating and unfeminine archetype within themselves). Unfortunately, it was caused by a survivalist instinct in which it sought not only to keep you alive, but also able to cope emotionally. Now, it is still heavily rooted in the BC. While men have their own demons to cast off, I will keep this about Black feminine women.

I am an extremely feminine woman and according to all of my friends, by far the most feminine women they know personally(even amongst my nonblack friends). I’ve been told I could give Dita von Teese a run for her money. Lol. My point is, I grew up in an occasionally not-so-safe neighborhood. I grew up without a father and positive male interactions. I had many reasons to be hardened and unfeminine that tend to affect my community and thus permeate our culture. My femininity, however, is not just rooted in my back-seam nylons, pencil skirts, and sky high heels. Femininity is ultimately about feeling like you can celebrate your ebbs and flows as a woman, be vulnerable, and hold your self with a grace and manner that is uniquely womanly and strong without feeling the need to assume masculine forms of expression.

At least these are my humble opinions…though sometimes I feel like I could write a book on my journey to regain my femininity as a BW.

LaFemmeSphinx

@JennMJack@Jamila
You brilliantly point out one of the key issues we still face as BW, we’ve lost our femininity. To be feminine is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and often times in an increasingly aggressive public space(explored in the Street Harassment article), as well as in our own lives, backgrounds, and oftentimes dangerous neighborhoods, we as BW often don’t have a safe space with which to be vulnerable, which in turn means we don’t have the safe space to be feminine.

Some of this is rooted in America’s shameful start as a nation. BM/slaves were intentionally beaten in front of their “wives/ life partners”(though, of an unspecified amount of time the slave owner would allow the two to be together before potentially separating them by way of death or commerce) in order to assert their dominance and ownership over them(i.e. The slaveowner being sure that the women slaves understood that their men can’t save them). This left BM emasculated and BW having to pick up where their “husband/life partner” left off if killed or sold. Hence the archetypal BW with neck rolling, finger pointing, “I don’t need you”, emasculating, domineering, and severe independent mentality. You weren’t allowed to be vulnerable, as you didn’t know how long your “husband/life partner” would be around, and lived under a system of tyranny. That archetype still abounds today in the BC(and yes there are other negative archetypes, but it is my opinion that most house this emasculating and unfeminine archetype within themselves). Unfortunately, it was caused by a survivalist instinct in which it sought not only to keep you alive, but also able to cope emotionally. Now, it is still heavily rooted in the BC. While men have their own demons to cast off, I will keep this about Black feminine women.

I know I am an extremely feminine woman. According to all of my friends, by far the most feminine women they know personally(even amongst my nonblack friends). I’ve been told I could give Dita von Teese a run for her money…and like to think I carry myself with grace. My point is, I grew up in an occasionally not-so-safe neighborhood. I grew up without a father and positive male interactions. I had many reasons to be hardened and unfeminine that tend to affect my community and thus permeate our culture. I’ve allowed myself to heal from that though and made it a point to intentionally change and grow into the type of woman I wanted to be instead of being afraid of the vulnerability I would also to face.

My femininity, however, is not just rooted in my back-seam nylons, pencil skirts, and sky high heels. Femininity is ultimately about feeling like you can celebrate your ebbs and flows as a woman, be vulnerable, and hold your self with a grace and manner that is uniquely womanly and strong without feeling the need to assume masculine forms of expression.

At least these are my humble opinions…though sometimes I feel like I could write a book on my journey to regain my femininity as a BW.

@LaFemmeSphinx @JennMJack @Jamila “though sometimes I feel like I could write a book on my journey to regain my femininity as a BW.”

You should because I think it’s very needed for BW to hear the messages about femininity. I grew up in a safe, rural environment in a two parent home and even I was conditioned to ignore some aspects of my femininity. It wasn’t until I read “Fascinating Womanhood” this summer that I realized just how much of an issue this is for black women. Too often, we’re taught from childhood to deny or ignore our God-given femininity. It shouldn’t be that way.

tracyreneejones

@LaFemmeSphinx @JennMJack @Jamila I channel Dita Von Teese, Mae West, Josaphine Baker, and burlesque dancers. Lots of corsets, high heels and very slow sauntering. My wardrobe is more costumes then clothing, and I love it like that. Now I wanna raid your closet.

LaFemmeSphinx

@tracyreneejones And I, dear one, would like to raid yours! I love corsets! It’s hard to find the right ones for me though. I’ve decided to make one.

FriendsofJay

@JennMJack There’s a young WW at the gym who is a personal trainer. She has one of those sophisticated New York model faces, but she has curly hair. Every time she straightens her hair I tell her how good she looks with straight hair. First she’s shocked that a man would noticed that (naturally all men are brain dead with no sense about what makes a girl look good—–, however, I grew up with all sisters). Then she says, “that’s not the compliment you think it is.” I explain to her that curls say innocence, but her high cheekbones say sophistication—–and innocence and sophistication don’t go together. She says with what she thinks is a knowing smirk, “you obviously know what you’re talking about.” So, being unable to take a compliment isn’t always a BW thing.

@FriendsofJay @JennMJack
” Every time she straightens her hair I tell her how good she looks with straight hair….I explain to her that curls say innocence, but her high cheekbones say sophistication—–and innocence and sophistication don’t go together.”

Yeah, I wouldn’t go there FriendsofJay. Natural hair is a touchy subject. You’re basically saying her natural hair doesn’t go with her face so she should spend a lot of time and money to look different from how she naturally does. It’s also saying that curly hair isn’t sophisticated, only straight hair is. You are complimenting something unnatural and temporary. I know you were trying to be nice but with a different woman that could get you a lecture and the opposite response from what you are expecting. There I go making men paranoid about making compliments and qualifying what they can say 🙁 In the same situation I would just say thank you though and ignore the rest and wear my hair however I choose.

Well this is the case of a specific woman and a specific type of compliment. It’s similar to what Pick up artists (PUAs) do when they use a technique called negging. They compliment while insulting at the same time to lower a woman’s self-esteem so that they are more likely to do things to gain the man’s acceptance (e.g., talk to a guy she wouldn’t normally be attracted to). Like if a woman has her hair down they say “You would look so good with your hair up” so it makes her self-conscious that she isn’t looking good. Or if a woman has nice fake nails a PUA will say, “Beautiful nails, are they real”? Then she will feel self-conscious because they are fake. So when you say “Your hair looks so good straight” it’s sort of like the fake nail thing because her straight hair isn’t natural. You sort of negged her lol!

Jamila

@FriendsofJay @JennMJack ” Then she says, “that’s not the compliment you think it is.”

She’s right. That’s not a compliment–that is unsolicited advice. A compliment would be “you look nice with your hair straight” when she has is straight.

@JennMJack “My mother-in-law does this all the time. She will literally say “I’m not going to compliment you cause you are going to get a big head.” What the heck does that mean?”

My Mother did this all the time when I was a young child and someone would compliment me. She would always speak up and say “Pretty is as pretty does”. Totally took away any good feeling the compliment was meant to convey. And was an assualt on my self esteem. It took me years to overcome.

@The Working Home Keeper Thanks for sharing. I struggled with it for a while thinking that it was an issue of mine. Then I realized that it was her problem. And, everyone else who behaved that way growing up, they had their own reasons for doing so. Its tough at first but I definitely think it made me stronger.

Your husband is not holding back compliments b/c of your confidence. It’s either something about you that intimidates him and it’s probably not your confidence or some issue he has regarding compliments for his own upbringing. Maybe that was discouraged. Maybe he feels compliments are used to manipulate ppl and he doesn’t want to do that to you. Maybe you need to speak with your husband to find out why and stop guessing. @JennMJack

LaFemmeSphinx

@JennMJack I have to agree that BW have a hard time complimenting each other. I do it often, and I can tell most BW are surprised to hear that from me. I’m figure, I’m thinking it, I might as well say it. What really helped me delve into acknowledging the aesthetics surrounding me, (particularly with women, and in relation to this post, BW specifically) was having several African friends in high school. When ever I would go to an event hosted by my first gen African friends, their families and their African friends would pay each other and myself(and other guests) wonderful compliments that were genuine and specific. It was a very healing experience at a pivotal time in my development(the teenage years). Just the other day an African woman came up to me and bestowed a lovely compliment. I still compliment women to this day, hoping to spread some of that positive and healing energy I experienced. I guess this was particularly effective because I was dealing with colorism rampant in the BC and any compliments I had gotten were mostly “you’re cute…for a dark-skinned girl” or “you’d be really pretty…if you straightened your hair”

I must say, too, that society totally encourages catty behavior as we see each other as competition…and men seem to enjoy being fought over. A beautiful woman walks into a room, and me and my girls have to start pointing out every little flaw(or at least that’s the expectation). I just refuse to take part in that negative behavior anymore, and the feminist in me understands the underlying societal pressures stressing that behavior. I compliment women unabashedly so long as I have a genuine comment to say.

@LaFemmeSphinx I feel you. I have had many an awkward moment where a BW is completely caught off guard because I complimented them. I like complimenting folks especially other BW. I love to see us successful. It’s society that endeavors to split us asunder.

SirLoinDeBeef

“All jokes aside, a female with confidence is not something the Black Community (or society at large) tolerates for reasons I do not know. For a culture that can claim some amazing people, places and things, who gets to take the credit for being the extraordinary individuals that make up such a phenomenon if you’re constantly reminded that you ain’t shit???!”

The strange counterproductive behaviors that are all over Blackistan are nothing more than a reflection of how these people feel about themselves and their lives. I’ve often observed so many families and friends and felt that there was a huge black cloud of emotional dysfunction looming just above my head.”

Tracy, for a follow-up, please consider expanding on the ‘strange counterproductive behaviors’ – there must be a reason why these behaviors are rewarding to enough individuals to keep them going – my lady-wife has said it refers to the ‘under-siege’ mentality within the urban BC, as well as the strongly-voiced feeling that everything bad and nasty is due to the WM.

I’d like your more detailed take on why this stuff works within the confines of Blackistan … and nowhere else.

@SirLoinDeBeef Dam you, man. I’ve written four pages of notes on this subject. The mud is deep, my friend.

georgiabyen

I had a really attractive guy give me a compliment(well, several actually), and I was just totally blank. Like, I really didn’t know what to say. I was surprised that a man as good looking as he would find someone like me attractive. I wasn’t trying to be arrogant or just brush him off, but I truly was shocked. I guess I’ve felt like this my whole life. My aunt’s friend accepted my friendship on facebook, and told me how pretty I am. But again, as I look in the mirror, I say where at. Well, actually I do know why I say that. However to open myself up to that would make me feel vulnerable, and I hate that feeling. Not to be confused with compliments from the elderly, men old enough to be your father, or other women. I can handle those fine, no problem

I just chopped off my hair a few weeks ago. It’s not the most feminine look ever but I love it. I’ve been rocking more make up, getting my jewelry game up to speed b/c there is something about have a TWA that I know ppl see my face, my face is more prominent. Now I’m a big smiler anyway and I have most expressive face ever. Personally, I was most nervous about my husband liking it. When I first got it cut, he didn’t say much, I didn’t ask. He would ask questions, my husband is an engineer that’s what he does. I went to a barber and got it shaped up, it looked better after I did that. I came in he said, you look good, I love it, my wife is sexy. I said ‘really’ while smiling. Yea! When we love someone we want their approval b/c when we get that, we feel like we’ve gotten their love. And we all want to be loved. Did I feel bad about my cut before my hubby complimented it, no it’s my hair. Did I feel better after he did, yes b/c I love him and I’m glad he likes it. I love being complimented while out and about. But I absolutely adore being complimented by my husband and he’s generous with those and I eat them up with a spoon. Having issues taking a compliment from him or him being nervous about complimenting me would make me nervous, that would leave a hole in marriage b/c it would leave a hole in us effectively communicating with each other. If someone is nervous or doesn’t know how to compliment you. What else are you guessing they might not be telling you?

I must wonder if you distrust compliments, why would that be the complimenter’s problem?

MixedUpInVegas

I guess that I never understood compliments. I always thought that my dark skin made me unattractive. The attentions of the boyfriends I had in high school always mystified me. I figured it was a lucky streak. Certainly at home, my sisters and I were not encourged to play up our looks.

It wasn’t until full adluthood that I understood that men, especially non-Black men, found me attractive. Black men never paid much attention to me, so I only dated a few. Asian, Hispanic and white men chased me all over town. I was dumbfounded. Perhaps it was for the better. It always seemed to me that white girls had it made and the rest of womankind had to take the leftovers. Turns out that those “leftovers” had some good men waiting for a good woman to romance.

Beloved Spouse and Late Husband are/ were both very free with their compliments. If your committed partner says good things about your appearance/hair/body/style or whatever, it is safe to assume that he is not talking smack. Smile, be gracious, thank him for noticing and do it some mo’.

Morenika

It is still very hard to take a compliment, even from my love of many years who has seen me at what I felt was my best and worst. I have no problem complimenting taste, style, accomplishment or even beauty, but I cannot receive these compliments back because as it turns out I did not believe my self to be these things. I am getting better. I am a work in progress.

Oaktown Paul

I now see why some may not be comfortable when presented with a compliment. I think it is something men should at least understand and respect. (I will teach my boys.)
However, there is a reason why I still want to give compliments.
At the most basic level, a compliment is saying …. “Hey, I am noticing something positive about you.” I think this is an important message —- one that should be said more frequently. And, quite frankly, I do not think that the actual compliment is even as important as the underlying message “I have noticed something positive about you.”
My question is this, and it is directed towards those who have some issues in receiving compliments, “what simple compliment might you readily receive without being made to feel uncomfortable?”
For example. If one were to politely say, “I really like to color of your finger nails. Added with either (1) That is a nice choice, (2) it goes well with your outfit or (3) where did you get it — I’d like to get that color for my sister.
The compliment has nothing to do with race, it compliments her selection, and it shows that you have taken notice of her in a positive way.
Would this kind of compliment be difficult to accept? Might there be better options?
BTW, my question assumes that this is a first compliment. If happily received, the potential for more compliments is always a possibility.

tracyreneejones

@Oaktown Paul Bingo. I would agree that the best types of compliments should be a balance between surface level and general observance. For example, noticing the color of a woman’s clothing/nail polish/her cherry red sports car and mentioning that opens up a dialogue about ‘something’ and not ‘someone’ (her). It’s almost like a personal version of striking up a Home Depot ‘hey do you know which caulking works better for outside use?’

All you want is for her to turn her attention to you, once you disarm her enough that she’s paying attention to you, you can go in for the kill. (J/K) 🙂

Commenting on body parts comes across as crass and too familiar, plus you never know how a woman will react to a strange person showing that they’ve been diligently observing her body parts. So many men make this mistake and its often just skeevy, even if she allows further dialogue, you’ll be working to prove your not a nice guy who has objectifying freak tendencies.

Regarding compliments from men, I like compliments that aren’t tied to anything or are about something real specific. In the first category, I’ve had several guys at work compliment me when I’ve done something different with my appearance. I remember switching to curly hair sometime early this year with a part down the middle instead of pinned back somehow, and a guy was like, “hey, I really like your hair like that!” A few weeks ago, I wore a red dress for fall that is cut a bit like a man’s work shirt and one of my male co-workers was like, “I really like your red dress! What a great dress.” Now both of these guys are married and were not in any shape or way hitting on me. They just noticed something positive and spoke up about it. Awesome sauce 🙂

Sometimes I get older men who start gushing about how attractive they find me and that gets a bit uncomfortable, because the attraction is not reciprocated.

I give and receive compliments to/from other women all the time, but it’s usually women I know. What I DON’T like is when a woman compliments me and then demands to know where I got the item she likes from. I keep my clothes for several years so I usually have no idea and it gets awkward while I try to remember. If it’s about my hair though, I can recall the name of my stylist or products I am using pretty easily, so I am happy to pass along that info.

Men pay me compliments and I just say thank you and move on. The guy could be paying me a compliment for any number of reasons. Maybe he just saw me and thought I was pretty, maybe he was just being nice, maybe he generally likes black women. Whatever his reasons are, I don’t care to find out.
I just say thank you and move on.

KingsDaughter

@Joyce345 I like compliments and I thank those who give it, sometimes I’ll end up having an interesting conversation (on a few occasions developing friendships) with a person because of that lead in. Other times that’s the end of it, which is a good thing with some of the strange men I’ve met (all races btw) :/ Actually his first impressions really matter. With some people you really want to keep it short.

Erin

Hi Tracy,

I’m really happy that you wrote this article (and that I came across it). I am currently a freshman in college upstate New York and there isn’t many blacks here, so the blacks here usually tend to stick together. I had a group of friends, there were 6 of us, we were all black except one, who was Indo-Trinidadian. They all had really low self esteem and only talked about how ugly and dark they were and that they have nappy hair and that no white man would ever be interested in them (White men were their preference). They worshipped the Indian girl in our group because she was lighter, and had “good har” and they were really upset with my sister and I because we didn’t (worship her that is). They would tell us how annoying we were because we liked our complexion and our hair, and just the overall fact that we are confident and secure in ourselves. Everytime we would try to give them compliments they would get upset at us. This really caused a problem in our relationship because I voiced my opinion about their ways. I told them that they are subtly calling my sister and I ugly because we were just as dark as they were and we had the same hair. They insisted that we were way too positive and confident and that we needed to be brought down to reality.

I guess their reality is that other (lighter, looser textured haired) women were better, and any black woman that feels other wise needs to be brought down.

To be honest it worked on me a little bit. But then I read this article and realized that is what was happening.

So really thank you for writing this article. Sorry for the rant.

tracyreneejones

Awe, Erin Thanks so much. No apologies for ‘ranting’, we all have a habit of over sharing in sonnet on this site. But it works, so I’m glad you said what was on your mind.

Your comment reminded me that I am not so much speaking for those who diligently come here (hope you’ll come back and visit us more now) but for those who may find these articles later on down the road.

Simply having a question in your head and typing it can help you find out that its not you. And you’re not seeing things. You are amazing because you are, no one can take that away from you unless you let them. Don’t give them your SPECIAL!!

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