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Are You Arguing About the Kids … or Each Other?

Have you and your partner or spouse ever disagreed about rules, discipline or other decisions related to your children? If your answer is no, chances are you have a very short memory. If your answer yes, however, that means that you’re normal. After all, couples disagree over the best way to load the dishwasher—why would something as infinitely more complex and emotional as raising children be any easier?

One challenge is that people often bring many of their own childhood experiences to the way they decide to parent. Some believe their parents did all the right things and want to emulate them. Others think their parents did all the wrong things and want to raise their children in the opposite fashion. But since those are based on personal and individual experiences, you have two people bringing conflicting sets of emotional baggage into child-rearing.

For example, say one parent grew up with a mom who almost never let him eat sweets, so he thinks his spouse is destroying their kids by letting them eat ice cream for dessert every night. But she grew up eating ice cream every day as a child, so she doesn’t see the problem with it. She thinks he’s too strict, while he thinks she’s too indulgent. Ultimately, they’re making little or no progress toward setting clear rules.

As with most disagreements about how to raise children, the goal should be to make it about what’s best for them and acknowledge that whatever you think worked, or didn’t, in your family, does not necessarily make you the expert. Avoid letting it devolve from a disagreement about ice cream into a fight over whose parents were better, smarter or nicer. Entering such highly charged territory is not conductive to making a good decision about your own kids in the here and now. Instead, simply try doing a little research about kids and sugar—and in this case, there’s plenty of solid scientific information out there—and work out a compromise based on what’s healthy and reasonable.

Other parents have issues with unresolved anger towards each other that surfaces in arguments about child-rearing and turns their kids into unwitting pawns. Let’s imagine a couple, Kate and Jon, who are arguing over where their children should attend school. Kate favors a private school, because she has a dim view of the public schools in their neighborhood, while Jon thinks the local schools are fine. Instead of doing any objective research into the pros and cons of the various schools they’re considering, they hurl accusations. Kate tells Jon he doesn’t care enough about the kids’ education. Jon accuses Kate of being snobbish and overprotective.

Eventually, through therapy, they discover some of the underlying causes of the conflict: Kate is frustrated that her husband’s income makes it difficult for them to either to afford the private school or a move to a more exclusive neighborhood. Jon in turn thinks Kate is overly judgmental and admits he also resents the pressure he faces as the family’s sole breadwinner. The fight over schools has less to do with what’s best for their children than their personal wars that need to be resolved.

Those are just two examples, but there are countless more, from setting a teenager’s curfew to agreeing on consequences when rules are broken. But as many variations as there are in the ways we argue over child-rearing, the answers are often the same: (1) Try to resolve them with facts, not emotion; (2) be aware when your problems as a couple are bleeding over into decisions about your kids; and (3) present a united front wherever possible. This will prevent your kids from feeling caught in the middle, while helping you perform one of the most important jobs you have as a parent: setting a good example of how to overcome conflict in a rational and positive way.

If you need help finding healthy resolutions to your child-rearing conflicts, please give us at a call at 949-220-3211 or schedule an appointment via our online calendar. We at the OC Relationship Center are here to help you.

What People Are Saying

If you are struggling with relationships concerns, the OC Relationship Center is the place for you. Their expert clinicians focus specifically on relationships, and are skilled in couples therapy. This practice is run efficiently, so in addition to the therapy itself, the experience of being a client here is smooth and accessible. Highly recommended!read more

Chris Chandler

14:31 06 Jan 18

Casey Truffo is incredibly warm, compassionate, and helpful! I have enjoyed getting to work with her and experience her wealth of insight and direction. I would highly recommend her services to anyone looking for help in their relationships!read more

drvernitamarsh

23:40 04 Jan 18

I had the opportunity to work with the owner of the center and I have found her to be respectful, competent and warm. Given, the reputation and character of the owner, I have no doubt that her staff are held to the same standard and caliber.read more

Jennie Steinberg

06:38 04 Jan 18

OC Relationship Center is a wonderful group practice. They take wonderful care of their clients, and help couples to thrive! I highly recommend them to anyone seeking therapy to help heal and improve their relationships.read more

April De Higes

01:58 04 Jan 18

This place is very welcoming. All the therapist are experienced, warm and caring, and effective. They work will all issues from couple communication struggles, to depression and anxiety. As a therapist myself, I happily refer to all the therapists in this office.read more

al potash

20:36 29 Dec 17

An amazing place ! My experience of the staff, ambiance and the seamless access to a specialists made me feel cared for and valued.read more

Amber Miller

19:19 27 Dec 17

I know the therapists at the OC relationship center of orange county and they are very experienced in individual and couples therapy. The office is both warm and inviting and I would recommend them to anyone.read more

Ellen Bradley-Windell

00:10 23 Dec 17

What an amazing group of caring, warm and experienced therapists....The Relationship Center of Orange County should be your first choice when choosing to enrich your most precious relationships.read more

Suzanne Smith

22:26 15 Mar 16

Casey Truffo is an incredible therapist and leader. As such, she has assembled a terrific team of practitioners to help couples and individuals heal in relationship with one another or heal in the relationship they have to themselves, respectively. Casey's center offers a beautiful environment for clients to feel safe, heard and empowered. I would send anyone I know to her center, and I trust hers and the skills and knowledge of her practitioners wholeheartedly.read more

Ana Maria Sierra, Ph.D.

04:58 15 Mar 16

I have known Casey Truffo professionally for some time. She is a highly experienced, warm, and compassionate psychotherapist who places the heart at the center of her group practice. You can be certain that you will be made to feel welcomed and well taken care of either by Casey and her staff of seasoned professionals. I would also like to add that Casey is a recognized leader and mentor to many, both nationally and internationally. So, if you are seeking an understanding and approachable counselor who can help you have a more satisfying and healthier relationship, be it with your partner, your child, or with yourself, I recommend that you contact Casey now.read more

Nadia Jones

06:43 26 Oct 15

I have known Marni Reinhardt for the last 12 years. I have seen her bloom as a therapist and grow in her skills from the beginning. She can add so much into her work through her special training in hypnosis and relational issue as well as Evidence Based Practice Models. She is a caring, compassionate, and direct therapist who loves her work and more than anything to help. I highly recommend her!read more