“Recycling Convener? What on earth has Tippex got to do with recycling?”

“Weel it’s aa this cutbacks. Ye see we’ve nae money for luxuries like Christmas Cards but fin aa wiz haein’ a redd oot last week aa fun’ a great pile o’ aal’ Christmas Cards at the back o’ the office press. They’d come frae aa’’ oo’er the place an some o’ them wis gey fantoosh. So I thocht ti’ masel’ - if ah jist Tippexed oot the signatures, an gee them a bit dicht up - they wid dae jist fine this year tae send oot frae the Moray Cooncil Convener tae ah his freen’s.”

“Yes, well that’s a good question because there’s not much on the agenda at the moment that fits that category - what with the western link road and the budget cuts and all that.Perhaps the safest bet is the wheelie bins.

“Wheelie bins?. Fit’s new aboot wheelie bins?”

“Well, you’ll remember that last year we introduced new recycling facilities for our rural residents.So this month we’re starting to introduce the same facilities in our urban communities.”

“In the toons?”

“Yes Convener in the…. em er ….toons”

“So fit’s the difference then?”

“Well the main differences are that we are going to be collecting plastic waste in separate bins and the recycling collections will take place every fortnight rather than weekly at present.”

“Here min - wait a mintie.My recycling boxes are dam’t near fu’ at the end o’ a week.I’ll be in a richt sotter come a fortnicht.”

“Yes Convener but to overcome that, we’re going to issue more bins.As well as your usual green and brown bins you’ll have a bin for paper and cardboard, another one for plastic and cans and you’ll continue to use your present orange box for glass.So you should have more than enough room.”

“Have ye seen the amount o’ bottles I pit oot in a fortnicht ?The beer drinkers o’ Moray will be up in erms!!”

“Well Convener, perhaps it might dissuade them, and you, from over imbibing.In any case, I sometimes think that politicians and alcohol don’t mix very well.Look what happened to the MP for Falkirk, Mr Joyce.”

“I ken Nigel, but this is the Hoose o’ Commons.Fit will they be daein’ next - playin’ bingo?Ye can jist imagine the Speaker daein’ the bingo numbers – Chancellors Hoose - number 11, Davie’s Den - number 10, aa’ the Greens - number 1.It jist disna’ bear thinkin’ aboot!!”

“Convener you are ranting again.You’d better get back to the topic - the plans for rolling out the wheelie bins?”

“Oh that’s a good ane Nigel!Rolling oot the wheelie bins - bit a keep telling ye - I dae the funnies in here! So fit’s the story?”

“Well the first phase of the roll… I mean the project commenced on Friday 15th March when the new bins were issued to householders in Alves and we’ll continue throughout Moray so that, hopefully, all our households will be using the new system by Friday 3rd May.

“So if onybody his ony questions, far aboot should they go?”

“Well Convener every affected household will receive a leaflet before their bins arrive, and another delivered with their bins which explains exactly what is going to happen.However if they have any further questions they can visit the Council’s website at www.moray.gov.uk or telephone our Waste Hotline on 01343 557045.”

“So come 3rd May it’ll aa’ be sorted?”

“Absolutely Convener - in every sense of the word!!!”

If you need any advice or assistance with any aspect of the Council’s recycling programme, please visit the website link above or contact 01343 557045.

“Well I am sure that the Blood Transfusion Service is very prudent in its financial management, but I don’t know how they can help you in your dealings with the Government.”

“Weel I thocht that they wid be jist the billies tae tell ma hoo’ tae get bleed oot o’ a stane!An’ file they’re aboot it - they could, forbyes, come doon to the Cooncil Chambers on Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s aboot 11 o’clock.Aa some think there’s a few Cooncillors that wid be prepared to volunteer tae gie blood aboot that time.”

“At 11 O’clock Convener?.Why on earth would they volunteer at 11 O’clock?”

“Well it’s aa’ this cuts ye see.The ither week we pit a moratorium on tea and biscuits for Cooncillors - so at 11 o’clock, fin we used tae hae wir fly cup, the best we can manage noo - is a glass o’ waater.So there’s a fair chunce that, if the blood transfusion van came doon, the Cooncillors wid volunteer jist tae get a cup o tea and a Jammie Dodger.”

Convener, you can’t go giving blood every week for the sake of a custard cream or a bourbon.That’s not the spirit at all – and I trust that you’ve been a regular donor yourself?

“Ahhh…. weel, there’s the rub.There’s a wee bit o’ a problem there.Ye see – for a laang time I wis prevented frae giein’ blood on accoont o’ a medical condition.”

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

For an easy-read version of Stewart Cree's Blog see Nigel's Blog above or go directly to this link

“Aye Aye Nigel – Fit’s daein’ the day?”

“Well Convener, I wanted a word with you about your blog.”

“Fit aboot ma’ blog?”

“Well that’s rather the point.What about it indeed!I’ve heard rumblings that you haven’t been very active on that front lately. There’s been nothing heard from you for a fortnight!”

“Aye, fair dues… bit I hiv been tryin’ – honestly.It’s jist that every time I get somethin’ doon on paper aathin’ changes before I kin get it ontae ma blog.”

“What do you mean – everything changes?”

“Weel, jist the ither week I wiz sayin’ foo unseasonable it hid been an’, as seen as I hid said that, we wiz up tae oor oxters in sna’.I hid tae tak’ that bit oot or else they’d aa’ be blamin’ me for bringin’ it on.”

“Well you might have been tempting fate a bit but you surely can’t blame yourself simply because the weather does the opposite of what predict”.

“Now we’ve had this conversation before Convener!People using Twitter, tweet.But why is this of particular interest to you?”

“Well, ye ken fit they say - imitation is the sincerest form o’ flattery- an’ the Pope’s tweetin’ in Doric as weel.”

“The Pope’s tweeting in Doric?”

“Aye….. well maybe nae in myDoric.He’s tweetin’ in his ain Doric – Latin.”

“Latin is the Pope’s Doric?”

“Aye of course it is.It’s the auld language o’ the Romans - jist like Doric is the auld language o’ the fowk fae Moray.So I’m thinkin’ that the Pope his cotton’d on tae my idea an’ is usin’ Latin for his twits.”

“Tweets, Convener.”

“Aye aye - it’s aa’ the same thing.So I thocht I wid jist send him a wee notie tae congratulate him on his novel, weel nearly novel, approach.”

“Well I’m sure that the Pope will be gratified to learn of your admiration for his foray into the age of digital communication, but I think it’s stretching a point a bit to suggest that Doric is a language with romantic overtones similar to those found in Italian”.

“Convener, I’ve no idea what a ‘bosie’ is and I believe I might do well to remain ignorant.But this isn’t providing any material for your blog.Can’t you think of anything that’s topical but not subject to sudden change?”

“Horsemeat?”

“No that’s been overdone – oh! I did it again – horsemeat…. overdone!Do you get it?”

“Aye… bit only frae Findus … there’s nae horsemeat selt in oor butchers.Nae Shergarburgers or Triggermince in Moray!Bit ye’re richt… that story’s been roon the hooses mair than the joke aboot the White Horse that went intae a bar.The barman looked at it and said – “here – we’ve got a whisky named efter you.”The horse looked at him an’ said….”Fit? Eric?!”

“Convener… I despair, you’re just avoiding the issue.You’ll need to find something that people are interested in and that won’t change overnight.”

“Well, actually, I’m not sure if you can put your shoulder to the wheel when your nose is on a grindstone!However I am much refreshed after our short break.What about yourself?”

“Well noo that aa’ the celebrations is oot o’ the wey, it’s back tae caul’ kale and porridge.Though I hiv tae admit – so far the wither’s nae been that caul!.”

“Yes the weather has been unseasonable lately. I heard the birds singing the other morning – quite extraordinary for this time of year”.

“Aye and aa’ the bugs that are gaun’ aboot are thrivin’ in this wither.I’ve been hostin’ wi’ the caal for weeks and then, jist fin that seemed tae be gettin’ better, I pit my back oot, an’ I couldna’ even get oot o’ ma bed”

“No.They were lookin’ for the sair bits.Ane o’ my Cooncillor pals is a dab hand at the dowsing, an’ she speirt if she could hae a shottie findin’ oot fit wis wrang.I telt her she could dae fitever she winted - jist as lang as I didna’ hae tae tak’ ma troosers aff!”

“Really Convener that’s no way to deal with minor ailments.Did you know that alcohol abuse is becoming as prevalent amongst those of….. er….. late middle age..as it is amongst the younger partygoers who are traditionally thought to be the culprits.”

“Hey, fit’s this late middle age?I’ll hiv you ken that I’m ane o’ the baby boomers - in the prime o’ my life an’ as fit as a fiddle”

“Yes apart from your cold and chest infection.”

“Oh – aye – but….”

“And your dicky back.”

“Aye but ….”

“And your sciatica and flat feet.”

“Hey min - wait a mintie!You’re maakin’ me soon’ like a condemned building.I micht hae ane or twa minor ailments, an’ ‘am maybe nae as good as I aince wis - but I’m as good aince as I eywis wis - so pit that in yer pipe and smoke it!”

“Ah well - that might be difficult because I ‘ve given up smoking - it’s one of my New Year resolutions.”

“Oh weel deen Nigel!I ken it’s nae easy ‘cos I wis a smoker masel’”.

“You smoked Convener?

“Oh aye, I stopped the day I wis elected.Bit ower the years I think a smoked athin’ there wis - frae Woodbines to Bogie Roll.Cost ma a fortune and did ma nae good ata’.So I wish ye every success wi’ yer New Year’s resolution.”

“No Convener – you don’t have to have a green dog.A Green Dog Walker is someone who cares for the environment and who, when walking their dog, encourages other dog owners to act responsibly and to dispose of any dog mess that may occur.They’re only GREEN in the environmental sense.”

“Well, as it’s the written word, it would be more correctly called Libel.However, I suppose that it could be argued that in some ways it’s a fair description as you must admit that you’ve lost most of your crowning glory!”

“Well, one thing that you can do Convener is to remind the public that they can report these sort of incidents to our Hotlines.”

“Hotlines?.Oh nae mair buzzwords Nigel.Jist tell it like it is.Gie ma a list o’ aa’ the numbers that fowk kin phone tae report the grafitti mongers an’ the sofa dumpers an’ I’ll pit it at the bottom o’ ma blog.If we can get the fowk oot there tae help us then we’ll maybe mak’ a difference”

“And does that hold true for unserviceable street lights Convener?”

“Fit lights, Nigel?”

“Oh just a minute Convener - I think I know that one – ‘Nae bad, foo’s yersel?’”

*(&^$%@#

The Council's Environmental Health Section will accept complaints relating to dog fouling and will make contact with the dog owner to prevent a recurrence of the practice. Tel: 01343 563345.Or Report Dog fouling using our online form

If you see anyone dumping rubbish illegally then call the Dumb Dumpers Stop Line on 0845 2 30 40 90, or contact Moray Council at 01343 557045 - email:waste@moray.gov.uk

For all other cases of antisocial behaviour - call 0800 58 77 197. You can also use our - online formto report such behaviour.