Obits of 2007

Halfway through 2007, pop culture has a death toll. Here are five things that have already received the kiss of death.

American Hegemony, 184, DiesAmerican Hegemony died March 8 of multiple causes. It was 184. American Hegemony had been in declining health for several years due to outsourcing, the rise of the Far East, and the white-hot hatred of everyone else on the planet. Born in 1823 with the signing of the Monroe Doctrine, American Hegemony expanded over the next seventeen decades through covert CIA operations, the ideal of freedom, and syndicated TV shows about hot lifeguards. The immediate cause of death was high school senior Joe Hazelton of Platteville, Wisconsin, who skipped his physics final to play a fourteenth straight hour of Wii's Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess video game. Hegemony is survived by complete chaos.

My Erection, 45 Seconds, DiesMy erection, a tumescence in my pants, died April 9. The cause was the revelation that the really hot twenty-two-year-old advertising assistant on MTV's The Hills Season 2 has chlamydia. Born forty-five seconds ago on my couch, my erection never reached the stature of its predecessors, for instance, the one achieved while watching the Van Halen "Hot for Teacher" video in 1987. Its passing went unnoticed by my wife and her friend.

David E. Kelley, 51, Dramedy AuteurDavid E. Kelley, a prolific creator of television dramedies, died March 23 in Los Angeles. He was fifty-one. He is survived by a self-parody of David E. Kelley. Born in Waterville, Maine, Kelley established himself through his scripts for such television series as L. A. Law, Ally McBeal, and Boston Legal, which featured a combination of workplace romances, flabbergasted reaction shots, and lawyers who talk very fast. Mr. Kelley required that every episode of his TV shows feature at least one madcap plotline, ranging from transvestite Santa Clauses to clinically depressed smile therapists. The cause of death was a dramedy about three sisters who own a wedding-planning business, The Wedding Bells. Mr. Kelley was officially replaced by a self-parody with the March 23 episode of Bells, which featured a bride with Tourette's syndrome marrying a groom who is an evangelical Christian.

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Borat Catchphrases, 8 Months, Die The catchphrases from the Borat movie, a satirical documentary about a Kazakhstani journalist who employs fractured English, died on Tuesday in a conference room in Stamford, Connecticut. They were eight months old. The cause was Jay Hornick, a junior vice-president at McKinsey & Company, who said, "It's very niiiiiice!" after seeing the quarterly results from the pharmaceutical sector.

Born in 2006 with the release of the film Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, the Borat catchphrases led a brief but intense life. They traveled widely, showing up in frat houses, at dinner tables, and in newspaper headlines. But the catchphrases became gravely ill in January when seventy-year-old actor Warren Beatty tried to utter "wa-wa-wee-wa" during his rambling Golden Globe speech. Their health further deteriorated when fifty-eight-year-old corporate attorney Leon Forte offered to "make sexy time" with his wife. But it was Mr. Hornick who precipitated their death with his use of "niiiiiice." By the time his colleague Emmet Kimberling responded, "King in the castle! King in the castle!" and the two exchanged a high five, the catchphrases had expired.

Lower-Back Tattoo, 13, Is DeadThe trend of getting a tattoo on the lower back as an erotic decoration died February 4 inside a Safeway supermarket in Bethesda, Maryland. The cause of death was Kathleen Dawkins, a forty-eight-year-old mother of three who leaned over to get a large package of Brawny paper towels, exposing a band of Celtic characters above her ass crack to a horrified stock boy. It was thirteen. Born in 1994, the lower-back tattoo was designed to accentuate the curvature of the lower female figure. It was soon adopted by a number of influential women, including Nicky Hilton, Jessica Alba, and Christina Aguilera. Inspired by her eighteen-year-old daughter, Dawkins got her tattoo three months ago to celebrate the escrow closing of a new five-bedroom split-level home in a gated community. "I wanted to give my husband a sexy surprise," she told friends. She also bought size-16 Paige Premium low-riding blue jeans, which she was wearing during the fatal incident.

Esquire Editor-at-Large A.J. Jacobs is the author of A Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible. The book, published by Simon & Schuster, will be out this October. You can buy it by [link href='http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&EAN=9780743291477&lkid=J15656871&pubid=K125307&byo=1' link_updater_label='external' target='_blank']clicking here.

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