Thursday, August 6, 2015

SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO!

Debuting on the SyFy channel on Wednesday, July 22, Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! was the finale to the network’s epic Sharknado Week. Sure, there would be one more SyFy movie premiere on Saturday, July 25 - Lavalantula - and it would even have a way cool cameo by Sharknado hero Fin Shepherd [Ian Ziering], but Sharknado 3 was the movie we were all waiting for.

When it comes to Sharknado movies, we all know the drill. We’ll see very silly things. We will be asked to take them as seriously as do the cast members. We will do this because the movies are just plain hilarious. It’s kind of like a sacred covenant.

People will die in gory manner and in considerable numbers. Some will be celebrities portraying themselves. Some will be celebrities from sports and reality TV shows and politics playing characters other than themselves. Some of these deaths will be cruel, but we will laugh at them anyway. It’s the covenant.

Fin Shepherd will do incredible things. It’s possible he has some mutant power that allows him to do whatever he has to do to rescue his loved ones and save the world. When Fin says he can sense these storms, our immediate thought is, of course he can.

Sharknado 3 has perhaps too many guest stars and cameo appearances. They distract from the faux-seriousness of the unfolding action by making the viewer stop and wonder “Was that someone?” I think the balance was better in Sharknado 2: The Second One. I hope it will be even better in the already-announced Sharknado 4. I think before I comment further I need to post the traditional warning:

A monstrous tornado unleashes ravenous sharks from Washington D.C., all the way down to Orlando, Florida.

Fin is in Washington to get a medal. An expectant April and their daughter Claudia are in Florida. Our nation’s capital is only the first battleground for Fin. The battle will eventually take him to outer space where an experimental and never flown space shuttle may be mankind’s only hope. In the course of the movie, we learn that the sharks are able to live in the air a heck of a lot longer than we ever realized. This adds a new mystery to the mix.

The nature of Sharknado makes it difficult to talk about acting in these movies. The most important thespian skill required is to not laugh at loud at what you’re doing and saying. This is not a skill I dismiss in the slightest. Without it, Sharknado movies would not be as much fun as they are. That said, some celebrities ham it up and hurt the movie.

Ziering is his usual terrific as Shepherd. Tara Reid doesn’t have as much to do in this one as she did in Sharknado 2, which I think is a shame because she kicked ass in that second movie. I welcome the return of Cassie Scerbo as Nova Clarke because Nova is a great character: capable, determined, tough, not quite over her crush on Fin. That made for some great scenes.

Frankie Muniz is amazing as sharknado hunter Lucas Stevens. I think he could be one of the best “B” monster movie heroes of our time. Casting directors take note.

As Gilbert Grayson Shepard, Fin’s astronaut dad, David Hasselhoff does not disappoint. He should be brought back for Sharknado 4 and I know how to do it.

Mark Cuban was pretty good as President Marcus Robbins. Ann Coulter played his vice-president and, since she wasn’t playing herself, I was okay with her not dying. However, these was no excuse for not letting ex-Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, playing herself, become shark chow.

Director Anthony C. Ferrante and writer Thunder Levin clearly had a ball working on this movie. I could easily imagine them cackling with delight at this or that nasty bit of business.

There are also some familiar character names:

Mark McGrath plays “Martin Brody.”

Lorenzo Lamas is “Sergeant Rock.”

Lou Ferrigno plays Secret Service Agent Banner.

An uncredited Erika Jordan plays NASA Engineer Harleen Quinn.

Before we go further, I have to activate the most serious warning the bloggy thing has at its command...

Fin, his dad and stowaway April launch into space on the shuttle. The plan is to blow the booster rockets and use the extreme heat of that explosion to destroy the humongous sharknado. The plan works, but the sharks destroy the shuttle.

April is swallowed whole. Fin climbs into a shark for re-entry and, no, I’m not making that up. The various dead sharks end up on land. Fin cuts his way out of his smouldering shark. Then he cuts April and their newborn son out of the shark that swallowed her. I’m also not making this up. She gave birth inside the shark. This made me laugh. The final scene pissed me off.

Shuttle and shark debris fall around Fin, April, their baby, their daughter and Nova. They seem to escape harm until a huge chunk of space shuttle falls either on or near April. We don’t know which. That’s where the movie ends. Followed by a request for viewers to vote on whether or not April lives or dies. It’s every bit as cheap a ploy as when DC Comics rigged the voting to make sure Jason Todd died in the Batman comics of the 1980s.

There’s silly, which is what a good Sharknado movie should be. Then there’s crass and not classy, which is what that stupid scene was. Ir really put a damper on what had been an enjoyable evening with the movie. I expected better of the Asylum.

Sharknado 4 should be the last movie in the series. Now that we’re aware that something’s not quite right with the windblown sharks, I think the finale should reveal there’s an evil power behind the storms. It could be a James Bond super-villain or, my own favorite choice, aliens. You could even reveal the aliens were the cause of such other Asylum disasters as Stonados and Super Cyclone. If the Asylum wants to channel comic books, what could be more appropriate than a studio-wide crossover event?

Of course, the first thing the aliens or the super-villain should do is rescue Gil Shepherd. After seemingly sacrificing his life to save mankind, Fin’s dad somehow managed to make it to the Moon and the site of the Moon Landing. They would probably consider him as a useful bargaining chip. But Gil is a Shepherd. He’d find a way to turn the tables on his captors.

Sharknado 4 needn’t be the end of Fin’s adventures. There are all sorts of scary monsters and situations that could use a cool head and a courageous heart. Just as there are heroes from other Asylum productions that could be used in such movies.

Remember 2010's Mega-Piranha? How about another Asylum adventure for super-agent Jason Fitch [Paul Logan] and scientist Sarah Monroe [Tiffany]? I was tickled by the romantic sparks between them at the end of the movie because I loved the idea of the buff hero falling for a heroine who wasn’t model-skinny.

If you have suggestions for other returning Asylum characters or weird directions Sharknado 4 could go in, feel free to post them in our comments section.

The bottom line...Sharknado 3 was not as entertaining as the first two movies. If I had to pinpoint the why of that - ignoring for the moment, the dumb cliffhanger and subsequent voting on the fate of a character - it would be the excessive use of guest celebrities. Most of them took the focus away from Fin and his family.

When Fin and his family are in danger, we care because we’ve become invested in them. When it’s some character whose only purpose is to die horribly, we don’t. Keep the focus on the Shepherds and you’ll get us back.

This review ran longer than I anticipated. Come back tomorrow for my thoughts on Archie vs. Sharknado. See you then.