REPORT: State Department Losing Propaganda War To Group That Recruits Suicide Bombers

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The State Department announced it is unable to make better recruiting videos than a group who turns their new recruits into suicide bombers.

“Well golly gee whiz guys, this is difficult,” Secretary of State John Kerry said earlier today. “ISIS makes the new guys kill themselves. All we have is alcohol, states with legal marijuana, and businesses where naked women shove their tits in your face. I can’t think of a way to make that appealing to young men. A lot of them are joining because they can’t get laid and they wouldn’t be interested in places where you can play World of Warcraft 24/7.”

While ISIS recently released a recruitment video showing the tactical skill and production values of a pre-teen airsoft team, the U.S. State Department has been unable to make anything better.

“There isn’t a single thing we can do to make joining a group of rabid psychopaths who are losing a war seem unappealing,” Kerry said. “There’s no way we could use our multi-billion dollar film industry to showcase our ability to kill terrorists via airstrike with no hope of retaliation. Videos of our ground forces routing every conventional enemy we’ve faced in the Middle East also wouldn’t be demoralizing in the slightest.”

“Maybe we could show how ISIS forces its soldiers to become suicide bombers at gunpoint, or how everything pleasurable is banned and anyone who commits a minor violation is beheaded,” Kerry said. “Nah, we’ll stick with trolling them on Twitter.”

Alabama National Guardsman charged after aborting unplanned mission

1st Lt. Casey Wade attempted to penetrate a Taliban stronghold, but chose to abort the mission when his unprotected platoon took heavy enemy fire. After-action reports revealed the mission was totally unplanned and lacked critical material and emotional support from Wade’s chain of command.

Wade is alleged to have violated an Alabama National Guard policy that prohibits all abortions except on missions that pose a significant risk to the career of a colonel or higher.

“Clearly Wade wasn’t ready for this commitment, but he made his choice to go in, and he needed to see it through,” said Wade’s commander, Capt. Ted Shapiro. “Wade is an abomination, and should be thrown out of the Army immediately.”

Wade’s legal team sees the matter in a very different light. “They were only six weeks into a nine-month deployment, and didn’t even know that area was impregnable,” said Wade’s lawyer, Capt. Ashlynn Torgelson. “Wade was the ground commander, so that mission was his baby. His mission, his choice.”

Local Afghans were also supportive of Wade’s choice to abort.

“Last week, one of their bombs hit our universal preschool. These Alabamans are a bunch of baby killers,” a tribal elder told reporters.

If convicted, Wade could be forced to serve up to 99 years in the Alabama National Guard.

After spending 17 years in federal prison for “providing services to the Taliban,” the Bureau of Prisons announced earlier this week that it would release Lindh promptly at 12:00 p.m. at an undisclosed location in Benedict, Montana, population 645, where he would spend three years on parole at the Bergdahl House of Recovery.

“We released him at the local soccer field to minimize collateral . . . observers,” a government official said, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

“I just came out to see what all the fuss was about,” said Sarah Duvall, who witnessed the strike. “I noticed a strange shadow, kind of in the shape of an MQ-9 Reaper drone,” she said. “Then, a loud noise, and a flash of white light, and the man in the field just disappeared. Must’ve been a UFO.”

Duvall could not be reached for further comment.

The incident has reignited the debate over the use of drone strikes on American citizens.

“As far as I’m concerned, anyone who would use drones to execute American citizens without due process is unfit for office. Period,” former Vice President Joe Biden said at a town hall meeting in Anwar, Michigan.

“Just because Hellfire missile fragments were found at the scene doesn’t mean we were involved,” said White House press secretary Sarah Sanders. “But if we were, it’s probably because this administration kills traitors instead of releasing them.”

Pentagon forms community of disinterest to plan Iran war

WASHINGTON — Recognizing that overthrowing the terror-sponsoring Iranian government requires a whole-of-Trump approach, the defense and White House officials recently convened a secret interagency planning team at the Pentagon, sources confirmed today.

Its goal: to plan a soup-to-koloocheh ground invasion of the intractable Persian country.But the meeting was quickly dubbed a “community of disinterest,” according to sources. While over 50 high-level West Wing appointees were present, other Departments — including the host — sent low-level staffers or even term hires nearing the end of their appointments. Defense was reportedly represented by a single procurement specialist recently hired from the civilian sector. And State sent a cleaning crew that had finished its work early.

“There was just no interest,” said a banking policy analyst from Treasury.

Homeland Security, however, did send a decision maker: senior executive Michelle Daenerys, who is head of Enforcement and Removal Policy. However, Daenerys told reporters that she wouldn’t be back and that she expects to be named Secretary in a few days.

“Given the never-ending Game of Fools that goes on at DHS,” she said, “I need to brush up on scorched-earth policies so I can fix this migrant thing down there on the border between Colorado and Mexico.”

The Pentagon meeting reportedly adjourned without mission analysis being conducted or courses of action developed. Sources said that even a coffee fund set up for the meeting received only thirty-five cents, a found CAC card and a USAID pin in contributions.

A source reported that the Mustache of John Bolton was seen brushing furiously against the faces of attendees and hissing, “Kill! Kill!” When questioned by media, Mustache said that cremating Persians in a vicious ground war is the best way to win the hearts and minds of the Iranian diaspora.

“Molon Labe is not just a beer brand to me,” it continued unprompted, while combing itself. “It’s also a way of life and death. And I intend to make sure that today’s draftees — err, service members don’t have to suffer the guilt of avoiding death via some badly-conceived White House strategy.”

Finally, Mustache said that regime overthrow will help it achieve its long-term strategic goal: validating that its life was worth something after all.

Admiral McRaven defends millennials in viral TikTok video

In the video, which features music from Ed Sheeran in the background, McRaven can be seen performing a handstand and saying that he’s “the biggest fan of millennials you’ll ever meet.”

McRaven, 63, posted the video on the popular social video platform with the caption, “millennials are the greatest gen #foreal #millennial #makeyourbed.”

“Critics talk about millennials being soft and pampered and entitled,” McRaven added, after dropping out of the handstand and taking a bite of avocado toast. “But I’m quick to say that you’ve never seen them in a firefight in Afghanistan.”

At that point, McRaven’s outfit of a red hoodie, ripped jeans, and Converse sneakers suddenly changed to him in Navy camouflage uniform, aiming a rifle at the camera before the video ends.

At press time, officials with Naval Special Warfare had sent McRaven a participation trophy to commemorate the video going viral.

Baby boomer jet realizes it may never be able to retire

MINOT, N.D. – After reviewing its Thrift Savings Plan statement and a growing pile of maintenance bills, a B-52 bomber broke down, realizing it would likely never be able to retire, sources confirmed today.

The B-52, known officially as the “Stratofortress” but colloquially as “BUFF” (for Big Ugly Fat Fucker), first flew in 1952 and joined active service in 1955, making it one of the longest serving aircraft in the U.S. military.

On the 67th anniversary of its maiden flight, the bomber confided to friends that it planned to retire so it could revisit old targets, spend time with its grandchildren, and eventually settle down in southern Arizona. However, increasing tensions between the U.S. and Russia, along with the bomber’s failure to set aside money for the future, led to the B-52’s decision to stay in the service until at least 2029.

“I’ve got a leaky fuel bladder, and my wings are really starting to sag,” the B-52 groaned during a pre-flight inspection. “But my country needs me, and to be honest, I didn’t really plan for retirement. I guess I always thought I would die during the Cold War, burning in after dropping a nuclear load on those commie bastards.”

The bomber’s decision to stay in service required the Air Force to program an additional $14 billion in modernization funding to cover the cost of its electronics upgrades, CPAP machine, and recurring erectile dysfunction prescriptions. The B-52 is not the only aircraft disappointed in its decision.

“Some of us Gen X aircraft are ready to step up and take the reins,” said another long-range strategic bomber who wished to remain anonymous. “But that selfish clunker just doesn’t know when to leave. Even worse, it struts around the gym locker room with no pants and spends most of the day at maintenance appointments.”

Sadly, the B-52 is not the only aircraft that will continue to work well past its intended service life. The UH-1 Huey retired in 2016 but immediately began work as a contractor in places like Afghanistan to supplement its income.

One of the B-52’s pilots, Lt. Col. Jim “Scruff” Weakley, said the bomber recently began investing in gold and started a reverse mortgage, but that it will likely continue to work until it dies on the job or wins the Mega Millions jackpot.

Point/Counterpoint: How to help servicemembers vs how to help service members

The following is a point/counterpoint article. The point will be given by the First Baptist Church Women’s Group, and the counterpoint will be given by adult film star Mia Khalifa.

Point: Our beloved servicemembers need all our love and support, and it’s our Christian and patriotic duty to help them however we can! One thing we can all do is make care packages. Those young men and women in harm’s way need things like wet wipes for their hands and faces, cans of beef soup or tuna fish for when they can’t make it in to the dining facility, and entertainment like crossword puzzle books and inspirational reading materials. The pastor’s wife likes to include a cute little camouflaged pocket Bible in every box so they can take the Word of God with them everywhere!

Counterpoint: I’m a patriotic girl, and I like to help service members every day, sometimes, like 10 a day. I like to work up a nice big package and watch them explode with ecstasy when they really get into it. Crosswords are super fun — my favorite is two across and one down.

Point: Another way we can help the troops “over there” is to make thank-you videos from members of our congregation, to really let them know how much they are appreciated! Some of our young folks are really handy with video cameras, and they recorded a bunch of shout-outs at the annual church BBQ last month. We put those on DVD and mailed them to all of the heroes in Pastor Steven’s sister’s nephew’s unit in Iraq, or maybe it was Afghanistan. Oh, somewhere in the Middle East! Bless their hearts!

Counterpoint: I love to make videos with the troops, and they always shout out at the end.

Point: Sometimes our heroes’ wives and children need love and support too, and we like to invite them to our church picnics and have special potluck dinners when we know one of the big units is going off to war. We like to get those mommy and daddy dolls for the little ones to snuggle when their parents are far away.

Counterpoint: If there’s a big unit going off, I will be there. I’m happy to support the wives on the front or the back end or on top or sandwiched in between. Dolls are fun to play with when that sexy mama or big daddy can’t come home in time.

Helicopter parents won’t insert son at hot LZ

CAMP DWYER, Afghanistan — A Marine infantryman scrambled to link up with his squad after his parents refused to insert him at a hot landing, sources confirmed today.

Pfc. Martin Sikorsky pushed out on a QRF mission for the ANA his unit is training when his parents became concerned about the state of the LZ.

“Martin knows the rules of our hangar. No screen time after 4 p.m., no driving over 45 knots and no firefights. I think any parent would agree I’m being reasonable,” Sirkorsky’s father, Huey, told reporters.

Huey’s wife Lakota looked up from the baby monitor she has in her cockpit with a live feed from a GoPro on Sikorsky’s chest rig.

“If Martin is having problems with the Taliban, all he has to do is give me a CAS 9-line, and I will speak to their mothers to get this sorted out,” Lakota said.

Sikorsky’s parents were going to allow him on the mission until they received word of an enemy RPK team in the northwest corner of the hasty LZ. Normally, they are fine with their son being exposed to medium machine gun fire. Although he is not vaccinated against 7.62, Huey and Lakota rely on a mix of essential oils to keep Sikorsky safe. However, since arriving in Afghanistan, they have been unable to find a Whole Foods that sells coconut and eucalyptus oil.

Sikorsky said he was heartbroken he could not insert with his guys and get in on the TIC. Like most 18-year-olds, he worries about the effects of his protective parents.

“How am I supposed to have a social life without my own CAR?” he said.

Sailors walking into strip club reminded to ‘clap like Mike Pence is speaking’

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A group of sailors preparing to enter the Rear Admiral Gentleman’s Club were reminded by Command Master Chief Petty Officer Michael Tubbins on Saturday evening to “clap like Mike Pence is speaking,” — referencing the primal sexual energy typically elicited by the vice president’s remarks, sources confirmed today.

The sailors, who varied in age, rank, and number of vice presidential addresses attended, appreciated the reminder, according to defense officials.

“Obviously, we’ve all attended a few speeches by the vice president, usually while on temporary duty away from our home station” stated Petty Officer 3rd Class Jason Smith.

“Heck, we all know that one junior sailor new to the fleet who marries the first Mike Pence speechwriter he meets. But we’re young, horny sailors so being in a strip club was a new experience for us and the Master Chief’s advice for how to act was invaluable.”

“These kids aren’t dumb. They know if there is one thing you do in a strip club it’s clap but it’s usually more reserved like when a movie ends or when your plane lands safely,” Master Chief Tubbins told reporters.

“But when a young lady in six inch glass heels and a G-string with several C-section scars takes her top off that’s not time to just be polite, you need to really help her feel welcome.”

Sources confirmed that the entire group of sailors responded in kind and expressed enthusiasm that was more than worthy of a Mike Pence address.

“I do this job for the applause so I’m always hoping it’ll be loud but from the second I stepped out there I was like whoa, is the vice president here? This is crazy,” said DyNasti, a dancer at Rear Admiral. “And when the DJ started spinning Hail to the Chief, I knew I had to work that pole the way Mr. Pence works that podium.”

Tubbins, who was present for the Pence’s “ISIS is defeated(-ish)” speech in January, expressed pride in his sailors’ effort but says it still cannot compare to the atmosphere of a real Mike Pence speech.

“Friday night had more boobs than a typical speech by the vice president but no VIP room will ever match the raw energy, intensity, and emotion of a Pence original.”

At press time, Command Master Chief Tubbins had been asked to resign from the Navy for daring to imply that sailors would bring the type of enthusiasm exhibited in a vice presidential address into a titty bar. Additionally, Petty Officer 3rd Class Smith and Dynasti are now married and expecting their first child together.