A Forum for Orthodox Jewish thought on Halacha, Hashkafa, and the social issues of our time.

Monday, June 03, 2013

Unconditional Love - Setting the Bar Too Low

Jesse Eisenberg as an OTD teen in Holy Rollers

A couple of weeks ago, there was a controversial article in
Mishpacha Magazine* (dated May 22, 2013) by Rabbi Shneur Aisenstark, Principal of
Beis Yaakov of Montreal. The subject dealt with the OTD (Off the Derech) phenomenon – specifically
in where to draw the line of unconditional love. His point was that a “A
rebellious child does not belong in our home.” “A child cannot live in two
worlds. One where his family is pulling in one direction and his private life
is pulling in another direction”.

He places much of the blame for the OTD phenomenon on the
fact that we live in an unprecedented time where technology has enabled our
children to explore the exciting outside world of forbidden pleasure heretofore
unavailable and mostly unknown to us. That – coupled with an attitude of
Chutzpah today’s children have towards their parents and other authority
figures (...he quotes Rav Chaim Kanievsky to make this very point) - is a formula for the Going OTD.

Many educators – including Charedi ones – have cautioned
parents whose children go OTD, to not reject them... to indeed give them
unconditional love if they are to have any hope of getting them back on track. But
Rabbi Aisenstark says that unless a rebellious child at least tries to conform
and change his actions, he does not belong in the home. That seems to be a red line for him.

I’m not sure what he expects a parent to do if a child
decides he does not want to change at all and has accepted a secular lifestyle.
Does he mean to say that even if he does not disrupt the family harmony in the
home by overtly non Halachic behavior, that such a child nonetheless still deserves
to be thrown out of the house?

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz questioned him along these lines and asked
him for a clarification. Rabbi Aisenstark responded that he was not really talking about
children that are OTD but respectful of their parents. They too should be given
unconditional love. He was motivated to write his article by parents who had OTD
children that were terrorizing the house; parents that were quite literally
living in an abusive situation.

That would be understandable. No parent is required to grant
unconditional love to the point of physical or even mental abuse. A child like
this cannot remain in a house under
those circumstances. That is a ‘no brainer’ as far as I am concerned. But even there the door should always be left
open. Even in the extremely sad circumstances when one must literally kick a
child out of a home for fear of abuse he should always know that the door
remains open if he or she at least stops the abuse.

…children who are spinning out of control, and who refuse
any form of intervention, must understand that there are gedorim, red flags and
lines which cannot be crossed while still using the home as a base once they
have gone off the derech. There is no unconditional love in these
circumstances. When a child does not want any help from therapists,
psychologists, social workers, family members, rabbonim, he/she cannot expect
that his/her parents will love him as before. Such a child must know and feel
that the door is always open as long as he/she opens a pesach shel machat.

This is not the same as living in an abusive situation. This
is in fact conditional love. It tells a child that unless he at some minimal level
wants to try and go back ‘On the Derech’ the parent will not love them. At least not as
much as before.

This is a terrible mistake. Rabbi Horowitz speaks directly
to this:

Having dealt firsthand with similar situations for over
sixteen years, it is our very strong recommendation to parents that their
message to their OTD child and his/her siblings be one of unconditional love
with no exceptions. Love does not mean acceptance. It means that the place our
children hold in our hearts is not diminished regardless of how much they
disappoint or even hurt us.

Rabbi Aisenstark’s attitude can be seen through his quote of
a story related to him by Rav Myer Schwab about his illustrious father, Rav Shimon
Schwab. When R’ Shimon Shcwab’s children were once acting up at a Pesach Seder,
he banged his fist on the table and said that he loved his children very much –
but that he loved God even more. Rabbi Aisenstark apparently interprets that as
meaning when a child goes OTD and refuses to change, it’s over. You might as
well sit Shiva on him. An OTD child must have at least a slight crack in the
door of Teshuva… otherwise forget him.

I do not see it this way at all. Just because a child
refuses to do Teshuva now doesn’t mean he never will. He may someday… well into
the future. Or he may not. But if you tell a child to ‘Get lost!’ if he refuses to
to even consider it at that particular point in time… then you’ve lost him
forever. I do not see that as the Torah way. You never know when or if a child
will come back. There is nothing to be gained by throwing him out of your
house.

I know parents that have OTD children. In one case the parents are about as exemplary
as one could imagine. They are among the
best of Charedi Jews who do not condescend at all towards Jews of other
Hashkafos – or even irreligious Jews. They have a child that is OTD who seems
to have permanently rejected observance. But the love between parent and child
is so obvious that it should serve as a model for all of us. These parents know
that there is hope. They are certainly hurt that one of their children - so
bright and so talented – is so OTD. But that has not stopped them from giving
him a loving home for as long as he wishes to live there.

This is the way to be a Jewish parent. This is where one’s
mettle is tested. This child may or may not come back. But he will always be respectful
of his parents… and even respectful of religious Jews like his parents. And you
never know what life will bring. His warm feelings about his parents and the
life they lead may someday make a difference.

For the child who has been rejected because of Rabbi Aisenstark’s
‘minimum open door to teshuva’ requirement– the chances of ‘coming back’ are very
unlikely.

The question remains – what makes children today go OTD? That
has been discussed here many times before – and will most likely be discussed well
into the future ad infinitum. Rabbi
Aisenstark is right about modern technology being an unprecedented obstacle.
Any child with an I-phone can access anything they want without a parent ever
being the wiser. The draw away from Yiddishkeit is more prevalent than ever. Whether
the draw is towards a more permissive lifestyle or to a source that challenges
our belief system via difficult questions about science etc… they are all there
for an innocent child to be influenced by.

New technology is not the only problem. Family dysfunction,
divorce, sexual identity issues, bullying by one’s peers, undetected or
untreated learning disabilities… competitive educational environments that cater
only to the smartest students… all play a part.

I have been very fortunate. God has smiled upon my family.
My children turned out to be unbelievably great adults. Although they are all somewhat
different from each other Hashkafically, the influence my wife and I had on them is still there. How
did we do it? Good question. All I can say is that we had the magic combination
of discipline and permissiveness.

If there is any one thing that I could point to for myself it would be
the time I spent with them. But it was
also exposure to as many Orthodox Hashkafos as I could. Modern Orthodoxy Religious
Zionism, Agudah, Lubavitch, Chasidus, and sending them to a school that was
open to all those Hashkafos.

Of course this is quite an over-simplification. Nor is there a guarantee
that your child will not go OTD. But, assuming your family situation is not dysfunctional
- I do think it helps if you spend a lot of time with your children. And if you have an
open mind about Hashkafos, your chances are pretty good that they will remain on track and do pretty well in life.

But God forbid in the
event that it happens to you, unless it becomes abusive unconditional love is
absolutely the way to go.

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About Me

My outlook on Judaism is based mostly on the teachings of my primary Rebbe, Rabbi Aaron Soloveichik from whom I received my rabbinic ordination. It is also based on a search for spiritual truth. Among the various sources that put me on the right path, two great philosophic works stand out: “Halakhic Man” and “Lonely Man of Faith” authored by the pre-eminent Jewish philosopher and theologian, Rabbi, Dr. Joseph B. Soloveitchik. Of great significance is Rabbi, Dr. Norman Lamm's conceptualization and models of Torah U’Mada and Dr. Eliezer Berkovits who introduced me to the world of philosophic thought. Among my early influences were two pioneers of American Elementary Torah Chinuch, Rabbis Shmuel Kaufman and Yaakov Levi. The Yeshivos I attended were Yeshivas Telshe for early high school and more significantly, the Hebrew Theological College where for a period of ten years, my Rebbeim included such great Rabbinic figures as Rabbis Mordechai Rogov, Shmaryahu Meltzer, Yaakov Perlow, Herzl Kaplan, and Selig Starr. I also attended Roosevelt University where I received my Bachelors Degree - majoring in Psychology.