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Predicting the Apocalypse: A Guide

As we fast approach the impending “apocalypse”, in which a handful of us will find ourselves raptured up, and the rest will be forced to remain on this earth, confused and with nothing to watch in the 700 Club’s time-slot on ABC Family, one of our more waggish staff members has composed his own list of predictions. We hope you enjoy them.

Harold Camping, a fairly unknown religious radio host, has recently garnered attention for predicting the world will end on May 21st, 2011. While a small percentage of the world goes into panic from the apocalyptic predictions of this religious zealot, we at the Monastery see through this religious rapscallion’s ruse. It’s not the first time the end of the world has been predicted and it certainly won’t be the last. So many of us seek salvation, searching for easy answers to aid us through the hard times in our lives. These careless predictions made by Camping are quickly ruining the lives of hundreds of his gullible followers, many of which have quit their jobs to pledge their own time and money to spreading the word of the approaching apocalypse. To take advantage of others spirituality and religious beliefs as a means of profiteering is a deplorable, morally corrupt act.

With this said, May 21st, 2011 is quickly approaching. I’ve learned a great deal from reading about Harold Camping in the last few days and I have a few predictions of my own to make.

Prediction #1:

The Apocalypse will take place on May 21st, 2011. Mr. Camping’s followers have already paid for billboards and radio ads, it would just be stupid on my part to pick another day to predict the world to end.

Prediction #2:

The dead will rise from their graves to walk the Earth. However, instead of devouring human flesh these Zombies will all develop severe chronic fatigue syndrome and simply return back to the Earth.

Prediction #3:

Though Jesus will not make his return to Earth, actor Jerry Lewis will make an early return to television with his popular Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon. 45 years and counting!

Prediction #4:

You can gain Salvation but not through constant repentance for your sins. Rather you can only gain Salvation by signing up for a free trial on Netflix, where 2009’s Terminator Salvation will be streaming for free!

Prediction #5:

A select few Evangelicals will all ascend to their own ideal heaven where they will watch television for hours, eat junk food, donate money to various unspecific causes, and predict a 2nd apocalypse.

Prediction #6:

After several months of suffering, a great sense of calm will envelope the Earth. It is at this time that Love will become the only form of currency…that is to say, the only form of currency other than Cartons of Cigarettes.

Prediction #7:

As Fire and Brimstone fall forth from the sky, local Weathermen come up with very entertaining things to say.