PETA’s Deep Pockets

Jesus surely loved a good fish sandwich despite the fact that tartar sauce wasn’t invented until years later. Mr. Loaves and Fishes himself once fed 5,000 people with only five loaves of bread and two little fish. That’s impressive considering a typical Texan eats that much for a light snack. If People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) had their way, we’d all be eating toast.

PETA is offering money to Fort Worth to help re-open the city’s closed swimming pools in exchange for the chance to put up advertising signs at the facilities. Ad campaign No. 1 would be a pro-fish promo featuring a mermaid and saying, “Try to relate to who is on your plate. Fish are our friends, not food.”

Most of the fish that Static has met haven’t been overly friendly. They’re kind of aloof and skittish. Try sharing your deepest secrets with a fish and see what happens. Besides, the fact that Jesus promoted fish for supper ought to make it OK to nosh on a fillet, no?

No is right, says PETA spokeswoman Carrie Snider. Jesus probably wouldn’t be eating fish in modern times. “Jesus lived in a very different time from today,” she said. “He cared about the meekest among us. The way animals are treated on factory farms would be unholy to him.”

PETA hasn’t offered a specific amount of sponsorship yet. “As far as money, it depends on what they can offer us, how many locations they are willing to put up the ad, how long they’ll leave it up,” she said.

PETA has tried similar ad campaigns before. Remember Octomom, the ditzy California woman who gave birth to octuplets in 2009? When she was broke and at risk of losing her home, the Octomom accepted $5,000 from PETA in exchange for putting up signs on her property that said “Don’t let your dog or cat become an octomom, always spay or neuter.”

City spokesman Bill Begley confirmed PETA’s offer but couldn’t say whether it would be accepted. “We appreciate PETA’s interest and their suggestion,” he said. “The city is currently considering a variety of funding strategies. And any future contact would be predicated on the city’s final plan of action.”

Allow Static to read between the lines: A fish will become president before Fort Worth accepts anything from PETA in exchange for touting that group’s rhetoric.

Besides, the amount of money PETA offers would probably be a drop in the minnow bucket. Rehabbing the city’s existing pools would cost an estimated $12.5 million, plus ongoing maintenance costs. Now that would be some fish food.