My husband is seeing another woman

My husband told me he has been seeing another woman but it is only friendship as he was lonely

30/06/2016

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Question

We split up in May due to my husbands drinking and gambling. I have had long-term depression and at present seeing a community psychiatric nurse (CPN).

My husband told me he has been seeing another woman but it is only friendship as he was lonely.

I am lonely too, I have cut my arms and last weekend took a lot to drink and thought I was going to die - I didn't really care either but I know it wouldn't be fair on the kids.

It helps when I write things down but I just want all the pain to go away. I still love him and want him back but he says he is not ready too and doesn't want to hurt me again.

I think this is just an excuse, when he does come over we usually end up making love and this side of things is really good if not better.

Am I letting myself be used?

Answer

David writes:

Possibly you are . But what is clear is that you urgently need professional help - because you are depressed, self-harming and drinking too much.

You say that you are seeing a community psychiatric nurse (CPN), but are you seeing your GP? Or a psychiatrist? Also, are you on antidepressants? And are you getting alcohol counselling?

Finally, as a bloke, I would say that if your husband has been 'seeing another woman', then the odds are that it is not just for 'friendship'.

Christine adds:

I'd like to look at the question of you 'being used'. I suppose the truth is that if you are enjoying the sex as much as your husband, then you are not being used.

You are using each other. However, whether this is wise or not, is an entirely different matter. The fact is that your marriage is in a very bad state and it needs proper help.

Absence followed by sex, followed by absence is not going to solve anything. You also mention children, though you don't say what age they are.

What messages are these poor kids getting from you and your husband about how grown-ups behave? Pretty terrible ones, I'm afraid. They're living in a warring atmosphere where gambling, drinking and depression are rife.

Thank heavens you pulled yourself back from the brink of death for their sake. Now you need to build on that decision and get the help you need to become more stable.

Please tell your CPN everything you've told us and ask for more help - because, clearly, you are not coping with the level of care you're getting at the moment.

At the same time, there are a number of things you can do for yourself. And one thing is vital: there's no doubt that alcohol is having a very corrosive effect on your household and I strongly advise you to steer clear of it altogether.

Alcohol increases depression – and it also makes people do stupid, irresponsible and irrational things. If you can't stop on your own, I urge you to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. (The number will be in your local phone book.)

Now, you may say to me that you're not an alcoholic and that your husband is the one with the drink problem, but I am convinced that you feel worse - and behave less responsibly – when you are drinking. So that suggests to me that alcohol is a very bad influence on you, and that you'd be much healthier without it.

Now, the self-harming: next time you have an urge to cut yourself, go to the freezer instead and get out some ice cubes and crush them in your hands.

This will hurt. And it's very cold. But it gives people the same sense of mixed pain and pleasure and also eases the tension – but you won't end up with cuts and scarring. Can I also suggest you get hold of a very good book, which will help you to rethink your whole situation. It's called 'Mind over mood' by Greenberger and Padesky, published by Guilford Press.

Your local library will get it for you. This book will help you to replace your negative thought patterns with more positive ones.

I am sorry that everything is so tough. And I am sorry that your marriage is in such a bad way and that you are lonely.

But if you start by concentrating on getting yourself into better emotional shape, you will have more energy to think about where you should go with your marriage. Relate is a possibility, if you can get your husband to go along with you,

But first, do try and stop drinking and do ask your CPN for more support as well as get yourself the book I mentioned.

You will feel proud of yourself if you start getting yourself straight. And once you have done that, nothing will ever seem so bad again.

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