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by
Chernorizets Hrabr

Avid listeners of the alternative metal band known as Tool. Tool fans believe that, by listening to music with no concept of time signatures and pseudo-cryptic lyrics sang by a man known as Maynard Ivory James Keenan Wayans, it puts them on a higher intellectual and musical plateau than fans of non-"prog" bands. You can pick a Tool fan out of a crowd easily, by looking for a college student who speaks of issues which he has little to no understanding of, rants about conspiracy theories, is a half-hearted activist and constantly reeks of bong water. A Tool fan, as a rule, will never look presentable, wearing yesterday's hoodie and a baseball cap over his unwashed and shaggy hair.

You know Jeff? That annoying kid who shows up 30 minutes late to class every day with serious redeye and voices his stance on everything from abortion to extraterrestrialism without being asked? I hear he's a big Tool fan. Figures.

Ok, I always had a nagging suspicion that emos and "hardcore" kids (emos with spiked hair who curse a lot) were pathetic faggots, but when I saw hardcore dancing for the first time, my preconceptions were confirmed. Hardcore dancing consists of some 90-pound little twat with greasy black hair flailing his limbs around, punching and kicking the air. Though annoying, pathetic, and downright retarded, it is a suitable method of dancing to emo and "hardcore" music, as the music takes no talent to create and sounds like a pack of whining retards, so the dancing should be similar. Hardcore dancing is a disgrace to moshing. You can say metal is a thing of the past all you want, because it doesn't make the present trends (such as emo) suck any less. Fags.

Hardcore dancing is another reason why the emo and "hardcore" scene should be extinguished forever.

The guy who didn't win American Idol simply because Ruben is black. Face it, it's the truth. Now, I'm not a fan of either of them OR the show itself, but listen to Ruben's songs and then Clay's songs and honestly try to tell me with a straight face that Ruben deserved to win. Incidentally, the black community recently accused American Idol of being "racist" and "discriminatory" despite the fact that 2 out of three winners were black. Bullshit. "Sorry for 2004"? How bout "Sorry for rigging the contest"?

If not for Affirmitive Action, Clay Aiken would have won American Idol.