I met her on a snowy Christmas eveningShe said she used my chimney for a slideThe lady said she'd flown all night to see meThen she took me upstairs for a reindeer ride.It's the honky tonk SantaGimme, gimme, gimme the Christmas Eve blues.

She wore red velvet pants and boots of leatherI offered eggnog, but she demanded wineShe smoked up all the ashes from my fireplaceShe trimmed my tree and then she trimmed my mind.It's the honky tonk SantaGimme, gimme, gimme the Christmas Eve blues.

She gave me swans a-swimming and maids a-milkingAll the French hens and turtle doves I'd needAnd said there were some Puerto Rican elves just dyin' to meet meThen she threw me in the back of her sleigh and said, "Let it bleed."It's the honky tonk SantaGimme, gimme, gimme the Christmas Eve blues.

The lady gave me gin-soaked Yuletide kissesThen what to my wondering eyes should appearShe flew back up my chimney, but she told me,"I only come but once a year." It's the honky tonk SantaGimme, gimme, gimme the Christmas Eve blues.

Nobody liked himThey just turned awayScreams of vengeanceAs he crashes the sleigh.

Rudolph's nose so redFills his victims full of dreadChristmas catastropheHe'll go down in history.

Morrissey the Snowmanto the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”

Morrissey the SnowmanWas a pale and morbid soulHe was made of snowHe read Wilde and PoeAnd his repartee was droll.

Morrissey the SnowmanLoved to make the children cryHe would moan and sing, “I can’t wait for springAnd the dreaded sunny day I die.”

The more the children loved himHis Eskimo blood would freezeHe’d sigh and say, “Why pamperAll of life’s complexities?”

Morrissey the SnowmanFinally got his chance to meltBut we heard him sayAs he dripped away,“Now I know how Joan of Arc felt.”

Sculpture by Liz Lomax

December 24thto the tune of "1999"

I was dreaming when I wrote thisIt might be crazy to believeBut when I woke up this morningThis morning was Christmas EveForgot to do my shoppingFor the ladies on my purple listGotta haul ass to the mallOr those ladies might get slightly pissed.

They say that Santa's comingWith his toys from the Great White NorthSo tonight I'm gonna shopLike it's December 24th.

The streets were total chaosThe mall had no security guardMaxed out my purple AmExNow I'm burning out my MasterCardI hit Victoria's SecretThe Body Shop had me in lineI got lost in Bed and BathTill that Beyond showed me a funky time.

They say that Santa's comingWith his toys from the Great White NorthSo tonight I'm gonna shopLike it's December 24th.

I got toys for Wendy and Lisa,Apollonia, Diamond and Pearl,Plus new sticks for Sheila E.,Because she's my little drummer girl.If you brought me gay apparelLeave it underneath my treeBut I won't don it till I checkIf this apparel's gay enough for me.

They say that Santa's comingWith his toys from the Great White NorthSo tonight I'm gonna shopLike it's December 24th.

If you didn't come for bargainsDon't bother knocking on the doorThe mall's about to closeAnd we're still battling store to storeIn line at Crate & BarrelMy mind says prepare to fightBut if I'm going brokeI'm gonna have myself a freaky tonight.

They say that Santa's comingWith his toys from the Great White NorthSo tonight I'm gonna shopLike it's December 24th.

Hammer of the Clausto the tune of "Immigrant Song"

I come from the land of the ice and snowWhere the reindeer fly and the chestnuts glowHammer of the ClausRide our sleighs to new landsSliding down your chimney tonightNorth Pole, I am comi-i-i-ng.

So when you're sleepingWhen you're awakeYou better be good for evil's sake.

I come from the land of the ice and snowWhere Jack Frost nips at Satan's noseBlitzen rides againWhisper tales of DonderIf the stores are all closed, your parents are hosedWe are your overlor-or-or-ords.

So when you're sleepingWhen you're awakeYou better be good for evil's sake.

So now you better stopYour crying and your poutingTo be a rock and not to rollOr find your stocking full of coal.

Ho ho, ho ho, ho ho...

Sculpture by Liz Lomax

Mangerlandto the tune of "Jungleland"

In the little town of Bethlehem Mary looks so fine She and Joseph rode their B.C. '16 camels Over the Jersey state line.

She's givin' birth in the barn tonightWhile Joseph takes his standWith cows and donkeys and sheep and goatsDown in Mangerland.

When they pulled into Bethlehem There was no room at the innSo Joseph opened the stable doorAnd told her, "Yo, Mary, climb in."

Since God got Mary pregnantJoseph plays in a rock & roll bandWhile the shepherds get restless and so do the sheepOut in Mangerland.

Outside the snow's on fireIn a real death waltzBetween Nazareth and GalileeAnd the wise men down hereDon't know nothing at allThey just leave presents under the tree.

And the angel spoke,"Lo, the change was made uptownAnd the Big Man has joined the bandSo pour out a little wine on the stable floorTonight...In...Man...Ger...Laaaaaand.