Monday, 31 October 2011

HOW THE AMERICANS STOLE DUCK APPLE NIGHT TO FIGHT TERRORISM AND ABUSED OUR HUMAN RIGHTS BY GIVING US BLOODY TRICK OR TREAT!

When i was a young fresh faced ,scabby kneed and constantly snotty nosed schoolboywe used to look foreward to Halloween. For the life of me i dont know why. Me mam n' dad would lay a copy of the LIVERPOOL ECHO, a broadsheet in those days in the back room. (The one for guest ,without the black n' white valve filled telly....This is history taking place.)....Onto this makeshift paper groundsheet with HAROLD WILSON on the front and ROGER HUNT and IAN ST JOHN on the back. we would place the grotty green plastic basin we used for washing the dishes. Filled with water we would then tip in a pile of apples ,which'd been sitting in a bowl on the table for a fortnight or so. The idea was to stick your head into the freezing water and try and take a bite out of the apples. Eventually as you lay gasping and pantig with water streamin out of your mouth nose, ears amidst the laughing and gay banter of the rest of the family as you hoisted your spindly half drowned frame up to see, with much excitment if there was a slight nibble mark on the skin of one of the apples. We were simple folk in simple times , well yeah we were F****'in idiots. In them days families used to sit round bowls together and try and drown each other for fun. Who'd 've thought years later the yanks would steal our simple pleasures in their war against terrorism.

Over recent times our American cousins have had 'a bit of stick' over how they treat bad guys, or terrorists as we affectionatly refer to them. They are taken away to sunny tropical islands and their heads are stuck into bowls of water and when they've recovered from half drowning these 'bad guys' will tell the 'good guys' all they need to know. What we call 'Duck apple', they call 'waterboarding'. All human rights organisations are 'up in arms' over this fragrant abuse of their human rights. When i was getting half drowned for a bite of an apple not one person stood up for my human rights!...These mean nasty terrorists cant be that tough with all their whinging and whining. I was only a 9 year old schoolboy and that was one way 9 year old schoolboys enjoyed themselves before all day telly n computers.

Whatever you may think about the various human right issues committed by the Americans is one thing, but as far as i am concerned the worst violation of human rights is a far worse form of torture that the Americans have inflicted upon us. Like a sort of global virus the Americans have infected huge chunks of the world with TRICK OR TREAT.

Once this god awful custom was restricted to nice early 60's family sitcoms and stomach churning stuff like 'THE WALTONS'. Halloween is tonight and is devoted to ghosts, demons,phantoms,ghouls,devils,wee beasties of all shapes and distortions ,but theres also kids,kids,kids, n' kids all of which are horrifyingly real. The LOVELY LYNNE has stocked up with sweeties for the little darlings so we will be swamped wit, it has to be said some pretty imaginative and sick costumes. After an hour or two of taps on the door ,knocks and doorbells i'll be grinding my teeth and upping the volume on the telly. After a while the kids'll fade away to go home and rot their babyteeth on their haul of sweets. Then its time for the second wave, the scallies. They'll be in their own costumes ;tracksuits, hoodies. One'll be on a BMX bike ,some girl'll be texting and one of them who's best out of the group at stringing a few grunts together will mutter ,in that dull resentful teenage, braindead, monotone voice, "ertrickrtreat..." They used to talk about kids overbites ,now they've evolved under droops . The bottom lip hangs under the influence of gravity and spit, only the bottom half of their face moves when they mutter. It is at this point the childish innocence is replaced by intimidation and this is when my lovely wife makes me answer the door in case they scratch the car or burn the house down.

I had a skunk run in front of me when I was riding without a light one night.

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In other words, they go against the grain of the careers their parents had. * Team answer sheets - Basically a grid lined A4 type sheet with answer write in numbered boxes and a line on top for the team name.The decline of the East side blues scene was disheartening,but, it also gave rise to the need for a fresh start, which came in the form of the next blues-only venue, Antone's, founded by the late Clifford Antone, during the summer of 1975.

Upon returning to the starting line, the first player must pass the sugar cube to the next teammate in line and so on. Unfortunately for me as an addict, I need my crime fix.I hope you have fun planing a birthday party for your tween, I hope my birthday party ideas for tween's helped you.

As an American, I'm truly sorry for the loss of these wonderful traditions. My mother was from Wallasey and she spoke fondly about the Duck Apple Night of her childhood. I wish I had asked more questions about it.

Tim Leatherbarrow

About Me

Short ,but perfectly formed; Tim has been a cartoonist and caricaturist for over 30 years and has worked all over the world for all kinds of clients in the corporate ,social and charitable worls working every kind of event and function you could possibly imagine.I enjoy what i do and want my 'targets' to enjoy what i do ,so i'm an easy going laid back fellah and inject humour into my work.