I can remember 4 times in my life my dad held my hand. I was about 5 years old at the fort worth zoo and it was really crowded. I’m not sure why remember that but I do remember the feeling of how good it felt.

2nd time was my junior year of high school and I had just had a major operation on my leg. My dad wheeled me out on the football field and each teammate came by and high-fived me and when they were done I was crying. He grabbed my hand and said you’ll be their next year.

3rd time was my college graduation. My dad was very sick at this time and always in pain. Since W. Is in my last name I was at the end. He sat through the entire graduation. When I got to get over to my parents I stuck my hand out to shake his. He shook it but then it went from that to locking hands. He was crying and said thank you for always fulfilling my dreams of what my son could be.

Finally February 11 2005, my dad went into a coma at home. I got to my parents at 11:00 pm. After hours of talking to him, they said he could hear me, I got up went outside and talked to God and said please take him. If you didn’t know I had a father wound, and was embarrassed and at times hated my dad. I was so ready for him to die. Around 7:00 am I went to his bed and laid down next to him. I took his hand and locked it with mine. I know he wanted that. At 720 am he took his last breath and I felt life leave him through my hand and his.

Why do i tell you this? I always wanted my dad to hold my hand and bring me along. That’s not what men did back then even though it was the most memorable and heartfelt things we did. I just never told him.

When I got my 2nd chance at life in 2011 I said I will hold my kids hands always especially my son. I guess I always have it’s because 2nd nature for me so I don’t realize I’m doing it.

Yesterday we were at a memorial service and I’m very lovey with my kids. Rubbing their head, holding hands etc…as we sat at the service doing those things I was realizing how much my son loved to hold my hand.

We were leaving the memorial and a very old gentleman came up to me and said that boy if yours sure loves you. I said yes sir he does. He said you have no idea how I know do you? No sir I don’t. I saw you rubbing his head, but what caught my eye is every time you stood up to sing you locked hands and you held it the whole time. Remember this son, your teaching him love and continue so you won’t regret what you didn’t do. Yes sir and I hugged him.

So hold my hand daddy I need you. I wont forget that old man yesterday or the love my sin has for me. When I think I’m failing them im doing more than I realized.

Hello People. 92 degrees in Texas I know its the first day of spring but Summer decided to wave hi first. I’m so thankful to have this outlet to be able to share me. I know some thinks it’s a weird way to do it but that’s okay because I know I’m weird. I’m embrace it!

I’m a single man again. Never thought I would be here again but life threw me a huge upper cut when my mom died. I became numb and couldn’t even fake it some days. The blended family was also a huge problem that until you’re living there is no way to know how to handle it. So in the journey again with a different path. I really need to find a path and stay on it 🙂

I’m not a glass half full, or half empty I’m just thankful something is in my glass. So writing this please know The days I get I’m so thankful for but I’m here to help so this is real talk.

Since I moved out of my old house with my ex-wife almost 5 years ago. I have missed 866 days of my kids lives. Yes that means I’ve had them for 866 days and I promise I’ve done my best to make all of that time matter. You don’t have to mess up the time like I did. We all know when something isn’t right with ourselves and our relationship. You ignore it or just say that’s the way it is then your left listening to your kids grow up on phone.

866 days of their life I missed. thank God I fought for joint custody but its hard to have your kids come home and they truly changes. The first 2 days my son is here he calls me mom, they don’t feel close, they don’t communicate as much and then its Sunday and just the time of us seems like its gone because we have to get ready for school. I learn about their day by asking questions right before bedtime. When I want to do something with them that only comes around once a year I can’t. My flesh and blood is missing. I know I will find them but I can never get those days back. Hello, I love you, thank you sounds different on the phone.

Like I said earlier, realize a few things:. we are all screwed up, we all have a hurt, habit, or hang-up, we all have a past. Some worse than others, we had someone break us down, break our heart, we all medicate our pain some how. So you’re never alone. Never. You don’t know what I’ve done Tyler, but I know someone who has. The thing is we can’t live there anymore because living “their” allows someone else to raise your kids, and just have voice memories to carry you through.

Find your weakness, absorb, accept it, and get help, counseling, recovery group, just a voice to listen. Anyone that sits on an island by themselves will drown every time. I believe in Jesus Christ so I go there but find something. Nothing is worse than losing everything because I said said, I don’t know what to do. There are options everywhere. Its pride and ego that will steal your life and soul. It doesn’t have to be that way. reach out to me, do something because you are worth it and those beautiful children are too. You can drink, dope, and yell your life away but you can’t get back what you destroyed.

Life has taken so many twists and turns in the past year and half. Some I’m proud of, most I struggle to see the lesson in them but there always is. Blogging was a release for me. Nobody would understand half of the stuff that goes on in this brain of mine so I blogged. the past year I bet I only wrote 10 blogs. I’m truly going to start blogging again. Its how I release without picking up the bottle again, or creeping over to watch something I shouldn’t. I heard twice this week I really miss reading your blog so maybe they will continue to help someone or give someone something to read when their bored.

I’m going through my past and cleaning out my closet for a lack of a better term. It’s easy to go back to your closet to look at that old shirt and remember a good time in it but realize it doesn’t fit. My past is my mind not actual closet 🙂

Im writing to myself but it’s also lessons I would like to teach my two babies.

1.Find out what forgiveness is: Don’t shake your head and act like you know. You destroyed 4 different relationships because of having to have all the answers.

2. Just go dance or tell the jokes you wanted to. Take the comedy class.

After 9 days without my kids I got them back, They got to go to Disneyworld with their mom. I’ve never have missed them so much. They had so much fun with lots of stories but I’m glad their back. Spent some time with Rock Bottom outreach to this weekend. We gave back tot he homeless. It’s always great to get a different perspective on life and see that sometimes things happen that put us in places that we never expected to be.

Yesterday my amazing nephew celebrated his 12th birthday at Main Event. He had 4-5 friends there and family. It was his first birthday without my mom around you could tell her presence was missing. It took me back to a place for no reason on my 15th birthday. My nephew was spoiled for sure. With food, presents and love. He got gifts and just kept opening them. I know he liked them but like most kids now there spoiled. they have no idea how great they have it but hopefully we can teach them to be appreciative. I didn’t have a choice. My dad had lost job and became disable. My parents were doing everything to hang on to the house and cars and truthfully money was non-existent. We struggled in so many ways but my mom made sure nobody knew but I knew. I got to the point that I didn’t ask or even think about things anymore because I didn’t want to take anything from my family. I remember before football started my freshman I wanted a sony walkman. For those that didn’t know back then that was a tape cassette player that used headphones. It was a way to escape the world and nobody else had to hear what you were listening to. It was so advanced and cool. I wanted one to lose myself before football games and also get pumped up. My mom actually asked one day at the store if I wanted something like this when we walked by it. I said I would love it but please don’t worry about it. That was the last time I thought about it,that was in the month of August. My birthday is in October and I truly didn’t ask for anything or expect anything. I just knew our struggles were horrible and I was okay with just getting a card and happy birthdays at school.

The night of my birthday I got home and there was a cake. Birthdays cake is my favorite desert in the world. It said a happy birthday to number 72 the best son any parents could ask for. It made me cry because I knew that a cake was not in the budget but as usual my mom pulled off the miracle. The card was so heartfelt with messages from my mom, dad, and my little sister even signed it. I started cutting the cake and looked up and my mom slide a wrapped box across the table. She said open it. I said mom why did you do this. It’s okay son you deserve this. I opened it up and it was my sony walkman. I couldn’t do anything except cry. I knew our struggles, I knew that 40 bucks was like a 1000. I hugged them both so much and I remember my dad said you better let your mom know more than me.

It didn’t dawn on me until later what my mom did. She sold a piece of her jewelry to get my walkman, card and cake. I had a conversation with her in my late 20’s and asked how she did it. She kept avoiding the question. She finally said I sold my purple ring and I would have sold everything to get you and your sister whatever you wanted. I hugged her, kissed and went to my car and shed a few tears. Knowing the sacrifice she made was unbelievable. AS I sat there watching my nephew I thought about that walkman and my mom. I miss her more than words can explain but her memory, and spirit will run through me forever. I still have that walkman in a box in a storage unit in my hometown. I bet all I need is a battery and my old rap tapes to show people how appreciative I was. Thanks for a walk in my past.

After 9 days without my kids I go them back, They got to go to Disney with their mom. I never have missed them so much. They had so much fun with lots of stories but I’m glad their back. Spent some time with Rock Bottom outreach to this weekend. We gave back tot he homeless. It’s always great to get a different perspective on life and see that sometimes things happen that put us in places that we never expected to be.

Yesterday my amazing nephew celebrated his 12th birthday at Main Event. He had 4-5 friends there and family. It was his first birthday without my mom around you could tell her presence was missing. It took me back to a place for no reason on my 15th birthday. My nephew was spoiled for sure. With food, presents and love. He got gifts and just kept opening them. I know he liked them but like most kids now there spoiled. they have no idea how great they have it but hopefully we can teach them to be appreciative. I didn’t have a choice. My dad had lost job and became disable. My parents were doing everything to hang on to the house and cars and truthfully money was non-existent. We struggled in so many ways but my mom made sure nobody knew but I knew. I got to the point that I didn’t ask or even think about things anymore because I didn’t want to take anything from my family. I remember before football started my freshman I wanted a sony walkman. For those that didn’t know back then that was a tape cassette player that used headphones. It was a way to escape the world and nobody else had to hear what you were listening to. It was so advanced and cool. I wanted one to lose myself before football games and also get pumped up. My mom actually asked one day at the store if I wanted something like this when we walked by it. I said I would love it but please don’t worry about it. That was the last time I thought about it this was in the month of August. My birthday is in October and I truly didn’t ask for anything or expect anything. I just knew our struggles were horrible and I was okay with just getting a card and happy birthdays at school.

The night of my birthday I got home and there was a cake. Birthdays cake is my favorite desert in the world. It said a happy birthday to number 72 the best son any parents could ask for. It made me cry because I knew that a cake was not in the budget but as usual my mom pulled off the miracle. The card was so heartfelt with messages from my mom, dad, and my little sister even signed it. I started cutting the cake and looked up and my mom slide a wrapped box across the table. She said open it. I said mom why did you do this. It’s okay son you deserve this. I opened it up and it was my sony walkman. I couldn’t do anything except cry. I knew our struggles, I knew that 40 bucks was like a 1000. I hugged them both so much and I remember my dad said you better let your mom know more than me.

It didn’t dawn on me until later what my mom did. She sold a piece of her jewelry to get my walkman, card and cake. I had a conversation with her in my late 20’s and asked how she did it. She kept avoiding the question. She finally said I sold my purple ring and I would have sold everything to get you and your sister whatever you wanted. I hugged her, kissed and went to my car and shed a few tears. Knowing the sacrifice she made was unbelievable. AS I sat there watching my nephew I thought about that walkman and my mom. I miss her more than words can explain but her memory, and spirit will run through me forever. I still have that walkman in a box in a storage unit in my hometown. I bet all I need is a battery and my old rap tapes to show people how appreciative I was. Thanks for a walk in my past.

Thank God I got my kids back on Friday. I needed some normalcy and no matter what they make me laugh even my teenager daughter. My son and I took this selfie where we were both smiling. Its been a while since I have so I’m sharing it because for a bit I was happy even missing my mom.

No matter what happens in life your never ready. Even when preparing for it your not ready. I wasn’t ready for my mom to die. To be honest I have never been more shocked by anything in my life. I never expected to get that call in my worst nightmares. If you go back 11 years when my dad passed away I stayed in a defensive position for 7 years. I never changed anything. I was so beaten and broken by own crap I just kept accepting my own excuses, and everything that happened to me was someone elses fault. I used my dad’s death as an excuse to be a crappy person and stayed that way.

After being here almost two weeks out from my mom passing away I know what I have to do is move forward. Please don’t think I m not telling myself or anyone else to grieve because believe me I am. I wouldn’t ever tell anyone that. I’ve had two days since she died that I stopped because I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other. My mom who was my rock, my closest friend, was gone. I stopped and cussed God, I cried tears I have never had in my life but I kept moving forward. My mom taught me and would expect me to do that. She taught me to never quit, no matter how bad life was kicking my butt. I always hear her echo to me never quit or I’ll kick your butt do you understand.

I’m writing this to tell you that I’m hurting you may never know when you see me but I’m a ball of knots and what the heck is going on. My relationship with God is something that I know more now than ever is real. I don’t feel forsaken, I don’t feel he left me. I do feel upset, sad, disappointed heartbroken but I also feel peaceful, hopeful and loved and after my dad passed I never felt that.

There are never perfect conditions to move forward and I mean never. I do know my limitations of who I am and if I stay stuck in them or feel sorry myself everyday I know where I can end up. Ive done it before. Whatever life is throwing at you move forward, never give up. It may not feel right but take the moments you need to grieve, or just breathe but please don’t give up.

To the 5 people who have checked on my either every day or every other day I may not be able to put into words right now how much you have helped me but I love you and appreciate you.

Thank God I got my kids back on Friday. I needed some normalcy and no matter what they make me laugh even my teenager daughter. My son and I took this selfie where we were both smiling. Its been a while since I have so I’m sharing it because for a bit I was happy even missing my mom.

No matter what happens in life your never ready. Even when preparing for it your not ready. I wasn’t ready for my mom to die. To be honest I have never been more shocked by anything in my life. I never expected to get that call in my worst nightmares. If you go back 11 years when my dad passed away I stayed in a defensive position for 7 years. I never changed anything. I was so beaten and broken by own crap I just kept accepting my own excuses, and everything that happened to me was someone elses fault. I used my dad’s death as an excuse to be a crappy person and stayed that way.

After being here almost two weeks out from my mom passing away I know what I have to do is move forward. Please don’t think I m not telling myself or anyone else to grieve because believe me I am. I wouldn’t ever tell anyone that. I’ve had two days since she died that I stopped because I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other. My mom who was my rock, my closest friend, was gone. I stopped and cussed God, I cried tears I have never had in my life but I kept moving forward. My mom taught me and would expect me to do that. She taught me to never quit, no matter how bad life was kicking my butt. I always hear her echo to me never quit or I’ll kick your butt do you understand.

I’m writing this to tell you that I’m hurting you may never know when you see me but I’m a ball of knots and what the heck is going on. My relationship with God is something that I know more now than ever is real. I don’t feel forsaken, I don’t feel he left me. I do feel upset, sad, disappointed heartbroken but I also feel peaceful, hopeful and loved and after my dad passed I never felt that.

There are never perfect conditions to move forward and I mean never. I do know my limitations of who I am and if I stay stuck in them or feel sorry myself everyday I know where I can end up. Ive done it before. Whatever life is throwing at you move forward, never give up. It may not feel right but take the moments you need to grieve, or just breathe but please don’t give up.

To the 5 people who have checked on my either every day or every other day I may not be able to put into words right now how much you have helped me but I love you and appreciate you.