One would think that death would have ended the clusterfuck. One would be wrong. Over the weekend, Kasem’s daughter, Kerri Kasem’s daughter (through her publicist, Danny Deraney), told the media that the radio host’s body was missing. From CNN:

Although the 82-year-old passed away on June 15, his body has yet to be buried. Now, according to Danny Deraney, the publicist for Kasem's daughter Kerri Kasem, the family doesn't know where his body is.

"We are not surprised," Kerri Kasem told to CNN. "We expected something like this to happen."

Of course this was expected. Why shouldn’t it be? That makes total sense.

But, the real question is: Who took the body. Of course Kerri Kasemand her publicist has their theory:

Deraney says Jean Kasem has now removed her husband's body from a funeral home in Washington state.

But, we here at The Outhouse feel that focusing on the ex-wife narrows the scope of the investigation too much and we would like to help. Therefore we are providing, free of charge, our Top Five Suspects In The Disappearance Of Casey Kasem’s Body:

5 – DC Frankenstein: DC Frankenstein, Frank, has, for a long time, been on a quest for the “perfect voice box.” For almost 200 years Frank has had to suffer with whatever voice he could salvage from gravesites, battle sites, or funeral homes. Never satisfied with what he had, Frank arrived in Los Angeles five minutes too late to claim Mel Blanc’s voice and has been on a tear ever since to grab at least on famous voice box for his collection.

4 - Ryan Seacrest : Not content with replacing Dick Clark as the radio host who is always on my television, Seacrest has always maintained a severe jealousy of Casey Kasem’s ability to be respected by everyone and not treated like an unfunny joke that just won’t go away.

3 – Old Man Jenkins: Life was good for Old Man Jenkins; he owned and operated a successful beachside hotel, had lots of friends, and was well regarded in his community. That is, until the Obama recession of 2005 when the tourist industry bottomed out. Left with no other solution Old Man Jenkins dressed up as a green scuba ghost. With everyone safely off property, Old Man Jenkins planned to set fire to his resort and collect the insurance money. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for some meddling kids and their junkie dog. Old Man Jenkins, who is not one to forgive or forget, swore revenge on the Scooby Gang, for their role in his downfall.

2 – Scooby Doo Fanboys: Never ones to react to change well, a misguided troupe of Scooby Doo fanboys stole the body in hopes of eventually cloning Casey Kasem, or at least his voice, for their Kickstarter project to bring back “the real” Scooby Doo cartoons…whatever that means.

1 – Scrappy Doo: The violently spazzy nephew of Scooby Doo always had it in for Shaggy ever since he discovered that it was he (Shaggy) that got Scooby hooked on “Scooby snacks” and decided to take his revenge by stealing the body of Shaggy’s voice and refusing to let his spirit rest until Uncle Scooby’s detox is complete.

Well, there you go. We hope we helped.

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About the Author - GHERU

RU, or as he’s known in the writers’ room: the cute one, is relatively unappreciated in his time. RU’s YouTube show, RUviews is watched by literally multiple people every month and his Outhouse articles have helped line many a bird cage. Before you send RU a message, he knows that there are misspelled words in this article, and probably in this bio he was asked to write. RU wants everyone to know that after 25+ years of collecting he still loves comic books and can’t believe how seriously fanboys take them. RU lives in Akron Ohio (unfortunately) with WIFE, ‘lilRuRu, and the @DogGodThor. You can also find him on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, & even Google+ (if anyone still uses that).