Friday, April 19, 2013

Identity Crisis

In psychology, I have learned about Erik Erikson's Eight Ages of Man. I am between the ages of 18 and 28 which means I am in the age called "Identity vs. Confusion." What this means is that if I have had a healthy inner- and outer-development up until this point, I will experience an identity crisis. If I suppress this identity crisis, or if I have had an unhealthy developmental cycle up until this point, I will experience confusion over who I really am and where I headed and I will not start moving until around the age of 28. Also, if this identity crisis is suppressed or denied, it will become a mid-life crisis; you have an identity crisis now or later. A funny coincidence, my professor explained to our class that you can always tell when a woman is experiencing an identity crisis; she'll change the way her hair looks, change the color try all different styles, week after week. I kinda shrunk back into my seat as I felt everyone look at me! It's true! I have made 4 major changes to my hair in a two month period and everyone has noticed!

Clearly I am exhibiting signs of an identity crisis. I have been trying to brush off that notion until today...

A pain I have been feeling for the past year is ultimate loneliness. I have been feeling a lack of belonging. I belong to the Lord, I am the wife of my darling husband. I am friend to so many. But still I feel alone and I don't know why. I have had this problem reoccurring throughout my life as I've seen friends of mine become closer to others, still including me, but never as close to me as they are to someone else. I've always thought about the possibility of me being someone who truly isn't as relatable as she thought. Maybe I'm not as social as I thought. I'm not who I thought I was.

I wanna be like you-oo-oo...

Something that triggered the final full-circle thought was talking with a friend of mine; I've always considered her an extrovert because of how loud and boisterous she is, when in actuality, she is an introvert. Now, I understand that personality tests do not define who we are, but I regard them as tools to understand the reason I am the way I am. Maybe not all of it is true, but a lot of times, it helps to have some sort of explanation over the way I am. Well if 1-50 on a scale is introvert, and 51-100 is extrovert, I've always been at about a 64. Extroverted, but not very extroverted. I hate long silences without purpose, I don't talk very much in a crowd, but I feel more comfortable in crowds than I do when I'm by myself. However, would that mean I'm a bubbly introvert? Ultimately, yes I understand terms don't define me, but like I said, it helps to know what I am according to people so that they understand me. And so that I understand me.

Another thing I've noticed about myself: what exactly do I like? I like everything. I have a billion different clothing styles I choose from at random; I love a lot of colors, but I like a lot of not-colorful colors; I like more bold styles, and earthy styles, and plain styles, and exotic styles, and overall I am an eclectic person. I've always wondered why I can be so eclectic, but until now I never really pondered the answer. Am I so eclectic because I really just don't know what I like? And I've never acknowledged it? I don't know what I like... I like a lot of things, but I don't know what best suits me. I purged my closet last night and got rid of 1/3 of the clothes hanging up. This doesn't include the clothes I went through from storage and got rid of MOST of it, and the few things I was able to pull from my drawers and give away. I hold onto things for a few reasons - I grew up with nothing but hand-me-downs and clothes from Goodwill. Now that I can get a lot of clothes for myself, I hold on to every stitch of clothing that comes through my hands. On top of that I have ideas of "maybe I'll be able to fit into this again," or "I really like the way this looks, even though it doesn't really flatter me," and other lame excuses. So I got rid of everything that doesn't fit, that I don't like, and that truly doesn't flatter my shape. All of it is in bags. It made me feel better about myself in just that small way.

This isn't my closet, but imagine this times two! Then
it's my closet.

Overall, I am going through my identity crisis where I'm learning that I do change, and I have changed. I'm learning myself all over again since I have changed so much and haven't given it much attention. I'm not the same person I used to be and I don't entirely know who I am right now. I know God's purpose for me, and I know my favorite role as wife, but as just Jessica, I don't think I know right now... And that's why I have been feeling so down and lonely. I don't know what makes me feel better, I don't know how to deal with being on my own in a crowd anymore.

So I am beginning this new growing process in my life, it's a little embarrassing to share, but I would rather be more realistic than try and fake it being okay. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way right now, I'm not the first to go through this process and I'm not the last. I am completely human and I would rather share with the people who supposedly care about me the way I'm feeling right now. I want you to know how you can pray for me right now.