Wednesday, January 8, 2014

My Battle with Depression, Suicide & Stuck Up Betches

I've been fighting with depression for a very long time. In the past as a young child, I was bullied for my weight. Everyone called me fat and ugly in elementary school. My family was not too well off so I didn't have nice materialistic things so I was bullied for that too. It doesn't help to have vain, judgmental, abusive people around while growing up either. (not my parents) of course.With all of that being said I am growing into a woman of my own and do not call myself victim to these experiences however they do make me more predispose to the likelihood of being depressed.

Chubs

Life in general felt rough to me. I had no one to tell me what was right and wrong and usually I would make the "wrong" choices. I did lose weight when I got to middle school and found a bit more self esteem and made some friends. Still, I felt awkward and I was not comfortable in my own skin. When Highschool rolled around I blossomed into a young lady and shedded the awkward phase. Not to say my blonde phase wasn't awkward! lol anways, I joined rotc, sports, cheerleading, and extra curriculars to validate that I was accepted socially. I did pageants and other stuff on the side to feel more beautiful. All those things did temporarily void my emptiness however when it was over, so was my little life. Then I would go on to find other things to temporarily fix the void. Deep down I was still the scared little fat kid.

In the beginning of University I made a lot of new friends and partied a little too hard. Which is OK because we all go through that phase and nobody can judge us for wanting to have fun and enjoy life. However I lost sight of who I was. I put away the scared fat kid to become another persona which everyone seemed to enjoy. But those days I have to say that I didn't like what I was becoming. I was hanging out with bullies. The people who inflicted pain in me when I was young were now the people I called friends. I hated them but mostly I just hated myself... I drank & smoked the pain away. Finally reality hit me that I don't want to be that way anymore. I stopped seeing these certain people (not all) and decided its time for some soul searching. I never felt more depressed and alone at that point. I chalked all those sad emotions up to my losses. But something deeper was hurting.

A year later I was hurting inside. I hurt so much that I stopped going out at all. I stopped seeing family members who put me down and I stopped self medicating. I was going insane with my anxiety that was growing so strong. I was paranoid and felt like I had a demon inside of me. I began to look in the mirror to see a face I didn't recognize. My face was getting swollen, cushinoid, acne all over down to my neck. I stopped getting a period and stopped feeling like I was a woman. I felt like a monster. I had intense feelings of mood swings and did not know why. I felt more depressed, anxious, and rapid heartbeat. I was so fatigued. I saw it in my eyes. I blamed myself for becoming that way. I must have been a terrible person to deserve this. Family & others shamed me for looking that way. Nobody was supportive or there for me. I will never forget the day this irrelevant person called me fat in front of my boyfriend and laughed in my face. You had your chance to make it right with me, and you haven't. I forgive you, but I will never forget what you did to me. Because of you, I started having suicidal thoughts. It's not because they called me fat. It's the fact that someone had that much hate at me to say that to my face in front of other people then laugh about it when nobody asked for their opinion. But whatever happened was in a way a good thing. Atleast it helped me hit rock bottom.. Well, I was already at rockbottom before that. That was just kicking someone when they are down.

This was my pain, please do NOT attempt. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, please contact immediate help or hotline!!

Everyone has inner pain, and inner demons they fight. Most people can hide it from the things they do everyday but whatever that was happening to me was about to come out. I was falling apart. One night I started getting panic attacks. It was the worst feeling ever. The next time I had a panic attack I decided I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. I took a lot of sleeping pills and walked out to the third floor balcony. I said a prayer to God, "please forgive me but I can't live my life feeling this way anylonger" and sat on the railing of the balcony ready to end the pain. Luckily Muffin saw me and held on to me. My second attempt was when I started cutting. I made a cut for each pain I felt. Then Muffin caught me and told me I needed to see someone to figure out what was wrong with me. I told him I hated myself and my life and he said, "listen to me, you are not yourself this past year, you are a good person, you're not yourself and we will figure it out." I thank him everyday for telling me I needed to find help and it wasn't me. When I finally went through the months of diagnosing Cushing's things were not easy but it made me feel so much better that I had an answer to why I felt that way.

After surgery I expected to feel better immediately but instead I felt worse. Due to extreme low levels I was getting even more depressed and anxiety. But it was different this time. It was intense and I had crazy CRAY CRAY thoughts. Anyways I decided to seek help of other patients and hear their story and most people are the same as in "be prepared for the long recovery". I will say the sadness took a turn at month 5. The feelings became less intense. I felt more at ease. The little things don't bother me anymore. I smile more than have strange negative thoughts. Then two weeks ago from today, I felt REALLY good. I can't explain it. Sure, I'm probably still more prone to moods than a normal person but that's okay. Atleast I am on my way to brighter days. I am not "there" yet most definitely. Here's my advice for depressed person or Cushies before, during, after: Get a psychologist, get meds from a psychiatrist, talk to a counselor. Seek advice from other patients including ME! I would love to answer any questions you have. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. I am not myself yet but I am getting close to an even better version! I'm so glad I did not give into the darkness and there is better things to come. I want to thank all of the people who gave me advice that I will feel better in time. You guys were right!

I wish I could tell my old self that I am good enough as I am. Everything will be alright. Just be yourself and everything else will follow. I'm thankful to have been through the sadness because now, I have room for happiness. I've been slowly peeling back the layers or false belief and pain and revealing the wonderful thing that we all are. Perfectly imperfect Purrrfection!

4 comments:

Hi Van! I came across your video on youtube and I am very inspired by your story. I found out that I have high cortisol in October. Initially, I had started seeing an endo last April due to hypothyroidism but even after my levels became normal I continued to have strange symptoms. I did my own internet research and decided to get my cortisol tested on my own because the doctor never seemed to be headed in that direction. I went to Any Lab Test Now and had a general blood test done and it came out twice the normal amount! So I sent the lab to my endo and ever since then he has been having me do cortisol testing. First I did the 24 hr urine test and then the dexamethasone suppression test. This past Thursday I did the cortrysin stim test and am now waiting for my results! Hopefully this week! The doctor said with this test I should finally get a diagnosis. I have been feeling bad for years since I was about 16 years old and I am now 33. I had childhood asthma and allergies and when I got older I just assumed the new symptoms were because of heredity or because maybe I'm just a sickly person. My first symptoms were hair loss, weight gain, acne, and hives. Other symptoms have developed over the years such as having trouble staying asleep, night sweats, easy sweating, in the afternoons I just get drowsy all of the sudden, I'm cold most of the time but lately I've been having hot flashes. My face is so round, I'm embarrassed to see people that I haven't seen in a while because of the way I look. My hair is very thin and every thing is bigger. I also sometimes feels fluttering in my chest. At times, I feel depressed or anxious. I also grind my teeth all day long, I feel like I can't sit still, like I have ADHD or something. I'm very forgetful and forget where I put things or can't remember words when I need them. Also, sometimes I stutter or slur words together. Even though I have a master's degree, I feel really dumb and even though my husband says I'm hot I feel ugly. I also feel tired from doing things around the house. I've stopped working out because it seems pointless. I know it sounds crazy but I'm hoping this week the doc tells me I have cushing's because if I don't then I don't know what to do next and I'm so tired of living like this. I just think you are so brave to blog about your journey but I'm glad you have been willing to share because it does give me hope. You have overcome a lot! Let go of all that negativity from your past because from what I can tell, you are strong and beautiful person. Btw, I'm a children's counselor so if you ever need to vent, I'm a pretty good listener lol! I don't know if you are on FB but I am, you can find me Adrianne Michele Albarado Ortiz.

Hey Adrianne! I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Noone can understand how terrible it is living with this, NOBODY but you and other Cushing's patients. First of all, don't take no for an answer. Even if the Endo says it's a negative, keep fighting for yourself. You know that you are not like this. Perhaps you have the cyclic kind or something else hormonally off.. I did the whole nine yards of hormonal testing and it took months to figure it out. if your next test doesn't show Cushing's. Take a CAT SCAN of your pituitary and adrenal glands. I applaud you for getting your masters and being a counselor through all this madness. I hope that you will find the answer to all these tests and questions. It's so hard to wait for the results and even after for surgery, recovery etc.. I will pray that you will get your answer. Sorry I don't use FB anymore Please feel free to contact me at yumnguyen07@yahoo.com if you need to talk about what you're going through. I would love to vent but I don't think you need the added pressure considering the circumstances so you vent to me anytime you want! Keep in touch okay? Stay strong. God bless!