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Sunday, 8 May 2016

CFC members are once again experiencing extreme deja vu after being evicted from their spacious dumpster, rendering them homeless twice within the space of a month.

The object had come to be known as home by the various CFC alliances which have lived their since losing their space in World War Bee. Unfortunately, Goonswarm Federation leadership was last night told their coalition would no longer be able to reside their due to failure to pay rent.

Members of #AGMARMONEYTEAM Enterprises, the company which owns the dumpster, have faced criticism of their handling of the situation. Bee rights activists have pointed out that evicting them would be inhumane, particularly when #AGMARMONEYTEAM were partially responsible for putting the CFC in said dumpster in the first place.

Despite this setback, The Mittani is as optimistic as ever for his coalition's future. In leaked Illum logs, he claimed that Goonswarm would be able to take the dumpster back as soon as the MBC disintegrated. He went on to claim that the CFC would no longer even need dumpsters as soon as work on adapting their PAP system for H1Z1 was completed. "Maybe we'll even become a professional e-sports team", he concluded.

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

In a somewhat unexpected move, the CFC has reployed to Osmon, a 0.7 security system in Caldari space, in order to attempt to extend viceroyalty to the residents of the Forge.

After wardeccing ten highsec ice mining corps in preparation for the move, the conflict has seen mixed success for the CFC. After losing a Hurricane fleet to a handful of Exhumers with frigate support, the majority of the forces deployed to the system have remained docked for the remainder of the day.

Nonetheless CFC leadership are working hard to turn the war in their favour. Dabigredboat, the CFC's second most competent fleet commander, told the Eve Onion 'Swordfleet'. When pressed for further details, he again said 'Swordfleet'. After being asked how interceptors would perform against the fierce T1 drones of Skiffs and Mackinaws, he defended the choice of doctrine by reiterating 'Swordfleet'.

Although one miner did agree to personally give The Mittani 10% of his ore - significantly boosting Goonswarm's ailing revenues - the alliance received a blow when one Karmafleet member defected to a mining corp based in Osmon. The Mittani has called for a new hellwar against this rogue member, and has promised to bring the full force of the Goonhammer down upon him.

Sunday, 17 April 2016

This article was sponsored by IWantISK.com (free Goon killmail with every bet)

The Eve Onion offices have been a whirlwind of activity. Editor Tubrug1 gave us poor staffers the job of finding out who were the ten most influential people in Eve Online. He then flew off in his new gold titan with SUAS – no idea where he got that from.

1. Eep (owner of IWantIsk) - I’ve got a note here from Tubrug saying that Eep needs to be #1 on this list.
2. Niden – this Eve media genius revived the once dead corpse of the niche Scottish language site Crossing Zebras; transforming it into the 2nd best Eve news site on the Internet.
3. Grath Telkin – you may know Grath from such failed Kickstarter adverts as ‘The Fountain War’. Media celebrity and secret leader of Pandemic Legion Grath is best known for running Eve’s largest charity Ship Replacement Fund – if you’ve lost a ship send him your lost mail now!
4. Laz – Eve’s premier twitch streamer who has attracted a loyal following of beard fetishsts; he’s also got a cool racing chair. Laz is annoyingly nice so I can’t bring myself to take the piss out of him.
5. Progodlegend – if you’ve just thought up a cool fit for a ship this guy probably invented it first. Former part-time CSM and above average TEST fleet commander(sic) ProGod rocks in at the number five spot
6. Villy – famed former Goon FC and now chief nerd herder for TEST alliance, Villy is currently burning the North and claiming he invented boredom in Eve. A bold claim for a bold man.
7. The Mittani – the leader of the Band of Businessmen, he is the Rupert Murdoch of Eve: creepy, rich and powerful but nobody's sure why.
8. Sion Kumitomo – the James Murdoch of Eve; nuff said really
9. Jeff Raider – Eve’s top meth fuelled podcaster. Jeff has Eve’s most interesting guests on this show which is handy because on his own he’s a boring tool.
10. Xander Phoena – pastebin addict and one-time foreign language podcaster; if you have a secret for fuck's sake don’t tell him.

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

CCP developers weere today left red faced as it was revealing that they had published artwork for an upcoming release in error.

In recent weeks CCP have come under a sustained email campaign by Social Justice Warriors complaining about the CFC background which had been provided for the hugely successful #WorldWarBee campaign. The SJW group claimed the background only represented the privileged honey bee and ignored the struggle of other minority insects such as: horse flies, hornets, wasps and beetles.

In an attempt to avoid any further email exchanges with what one insider called ‘entitled twats’ CCP quickly responded by releasing updated artwork which depicted no animals of any sort. It has now transpired that this artwork was actually part of a wider project planned for release in July; a new room in the captain’s quarters.

For some months CCP have been secretly working on the Captain’s bathroom project. This would allow players to wash, bath and carry out other daily ablutions. One design feature of the new bathroom allows players to have custom backgrounds.

When asked to produced a revised CFC background, the CCP art department decided to use a simply screenshot from the captain’s bathroom project. Careful inspection of the revised background reveals that behind a wet towel and through the rooms steam you can just pick out the wings of the CFC eagle. The Eve Onion has reached out to CCP for comment.

When asked to produced a revised CFC background the CCP art departmentArticle written by GrouchyOldGamer

Monday, 11 April 2016

International tensions rose last night after North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un publicly stated that the rhetoric from the CFC is in direct violation of North Korean law and threatened vengeance for the coalition's transgressions against the country.

It's emerged that although most members of the Korean DOKDO corp were from the South, one of the few North Koreans with internet access was also a member of the corp. A member of the Supreme Leader's inner circle, he recently told Mr. Jong-Un how funny he found The Mittani's attempts to control his fragmenting coalition.

The Supreme Leader researched the matter further and was disgusted to see that the CFC leadership were polluting his innocent countrymen's minds with colossal amounts of dishonesty and outright lies. A crime punishable by being executed by an AA gun in North Korea, Kim Jong-Un released a statement denouncing The Mittani's efforts at spinning. He also placed the blame on CCP for facilitating this criminal and threatened nuclear war on Iceland.

With Kim Jong-Un joining World War Bee as a third party, CCP have released a new character portrait background for the followers of the Supreme Leader. Time will tell whether The Mittani realises the reality of the situation from his bunker.

Despite Lemba's virtuous efforts to undermine the CFC, The Mittani has actually been aware of his true intentions for several months now. He decided against kicking him at the time in order to deal a blow to the MBC (whose rise he also foresaw) in Goonswarm's darkest hour. 'These aren't dank leaks', The Mittani stated. 'These are officially de-classified logs. Sorry to disappoint you sweet summer children, I know you think you're entitled to 'dank leaks' (that's a stupid /r/eve meme by the way), but this is a hellwar and we're not going to give you the satisfaction.'

In other CFC news, The Mittani has also announced a ban on his weekly Fireside Chats after realising the irony of delivering them while standing in the middle of a fire. Daily morale posts will now be published on themittani.com.

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

DurrHurrDurr, CEO of The DurrHurrDurr Media, has today unveiled an ambitious new kickstarter project on behalf of Test Alliance Please Ignore. Based on the popular 'Where's Wally?' line of books, 'Where is Goonswarm?' promises to be an even bigger hit.

DurrHurrDurr announced the project on /r/eve earlier.

"For too long our favourite bee guys have been missing. What better way to find them then to outsource the job to children? Your child will learn all kind of skills such as willpower, resilience and autism as they try to locate Goonswarm. Seriously, those faggots are fucking hard to find.

But this isn't just about making me fat stacks, it's necessary for the survival of the game. Think of all the kids we could bring into Eve. Maybe it would finally give the CFC enough numbers to defend their space, as well as raising their average IQ."

The idea has been well received by many - from CCP to Pandemic Legion. Less impressed were members of Razor - who's own alliance was recently found in a dumpster. One of them commented "The disappearance of Goonswarm is no laughing matter... They will come... They must come". Goonswarm could not be found for comment.

Monday, 4 April 2016

The CFC, who have gone from strength to strength in the past two weeks, have assured their members that they are very much winning the [unnamed war].

The Mittani, giving his ninth morale speech of the week, praising the coalition's recent efforts to defend their space:

"Over the past week in particular, we've demonstrated more than ever Goonswarm is your worst enemy and your worst friend. Although we had to abandon Vale and Fade to defend more important areas of space, our new Swordfleet doctrine has seen tremendous success. The wrecks of our interceptors have actually started clogging the foe's guns leaving them helpless to wildly inaccurate bombing runs. "

The Moneybadger Coalition has been hampered by the recent setbacks, and according to themittani.com may be becoming fragmented. "It looks like we won't take VFK until the 20th April now, a delay from our original target of the 19th April. Morale is low," Elise Randolph stated. "Hopefully we'll be able to pick up the pace at which we take regions soon."

CO2 leader Gigx also shed some light on why CO2 abandoned The Mittani's protection for a disorderly rabble of a coalition. "It's sort of just an act of collective suicide", he explains. "We got bored of playing so rather than just disappearing like Razor, which is pretty boring, we thought we'd do something that's sure to completely remove us from the game. Once the CFC deal with the Moneybadgers I'm sure mittens will turn up to personally drop kick us into Jove space."

Mittani's vengeance isn't just limited to members of the Moneybadger coalition though. Elo Knight and his merry band of men have turned to highsec, to suicide gank everyone who shows support for the Moneybadgers. "We heard the real good guys were winning pretty hard up north, so we just decided to come down here and gank some miners. It's sort of like how when you want to kill a weed you have to go for the roots rather than just the leaves." With Goonswarm standing on the brink of victory in [the current war], many in the MBC are praying for a miracle. And by God they'll need one.

Friday, 1 April 2016

It's emerged that many members of Goonswarm leadership have abandoned their homes in the past few days in an attempt to prove to their members that no one wants to hold sov any more.

Goonwaffe director Schwaboy was one of the first to abandon his personal sov after trying to prove a point following a debate on Zulu irc. He has now been living in the wilderness for a week, and said the experience has only reaffirmed his initial feelings that no one needs sov. "Now I don't have to go on fleets to defend my home every day. I don't need a job, I can just run level 2 missions for the local farmer. This is just ~the life~ I love it."

He has now been joined by The Mittani, Sion Kumitomo and many other high-ranking goons, who have vacated their houses and have started staying in hostels. Some have speculated they are practising living a more modest lifestyle for when their revenue from the multi-dollar TMC media empire dries up.

Thursday, 31 March 2016

World War Bee has allowed us to finely analyse the strengths and weaknesses of the new Aegis sov system. In an attempt to make his own design better, CCP Fozzie posted the following today:

"The shitposts on /r/eve are tolerable but the badposts aren't and now everyone's at war they're getting worse. Every time I see one I want to leave the office, get in my car and drive straight into Eyjafjallajökull. Therefore to act as an incentive to good posting, we're going to be replacing the military ADM index with a 'posting' index. The bonus will be alliance wide rather than per system and will be based on per capita karma earned by members in the last seven days. We're still working on the numbers required for each level but we should have it sorted out before the citadel release."

The change will be a boon to many of the good guys, who have a solid complement of posters and /r/eve veterans. Sadly posting talent is much rarer in the CFC, many members of which couldn't compose a good post even if threatened with a badger about to crawl through their anus and ravage their rectum.

HABIT CEO Elise Randolph has been calling for a zero-tolerance policy on badposting for some time, and was pleased that these changes went at least some way to stopping the epidemic. We tried to reach out to a CFC member for his perspective, but he informed us he would have to wait till he was told what to think about it on the Metashow.

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

A pilot belonging to FCON was doxxed and subsequently kicked today after he leaked the confidential list of members of the CFC to Reddit.

After posting information already publicly available, the anonymous line member was shocked to be messaged an hour later being accused of 'treason against the Imperial forces of VFK'. He was told that 'talking about who are allies are is a big no no because it means our enemies will target us if it means getting an advantage.'

Many were surprised to see that RAZOR Alliance was on the list of alliances allied to Goonswarm, perhaps the biggest takeaway from these leaks. RAZOR were reported missing several weeks ago, several hours after downing significant quantities of whiskey, and have not been found to this day. Nonetheless it can be assumed they will assist Goonswarm should they ever reemerge.

FCON were 'most apologetic' for the irresponsible and quite frankly reckless behaviour of their members, and have agreed to hand over all of their R64's to Goonswarm to make amends. Now, however, the identities of the eight alliances that make up the CFC have been exposed, possibly causing a significant blow to the Imperium war effort.

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Imperium leader The Mittani said he was 'lucky to be alive' today after he had a near death encounter with a tree near his home in Madison, Wisconsin.

According to GIA intelligence the tree, a 200-year old Pine, had been plotting to bait Mittani into coming near it when he was walking to his weekly LARPing session. It then intended to ambush him once he was close enough. This persuaded him to take another route, sadly resulting in him being mugged.

However he maintained that the outcome was preferable to being baited out by the tree. 'I'm so glad I wasn't stupid enough to walk past that tree', he told Eve Onion. 'We've known there was something dodgy going on there since last Thursday. Also that tree's morale is probably pretty low right now, I've just managed to foil its ~grand plan~. That's the whole reason it's here, and I didn't give it what it wanted.'

The episode has been recorded as yet another victory for the Imperium. The tree was not available for comment.

Monday, 28 March 2016

A public holiday dedicated to The Mittani is being observed by members of the Imperium today. March 28, or the 'Day of the Sun', as it is known in the North of nullsec, gives Imperium members a chance to thank their leader for his blessings.

Loyal comrades in LAWN and Bastion were among the most grateful this year. 'We are so happy that The Mittani freed us from the burden of sov' said one LAWN member, shortly after placing flowers outside VFK. 'Now we have the opportunity to prove our loyalty by defending His space rather than our own.'

In his annual Day of the Sun address, Mittani attacked the 'great infidel Saladin-al-Fozzie' for his efforts to undermine the security of his loyal people through his rework of sov. He assured his followers the foe besieging the North could be repelled as long as 'we stay true to each other and you stay true to me'. The audience burst into applause, and thanked The Mittani for taking the time to grace them with his presence.

An SMA member who failed to remember the occasion was found mining in a belt. Outraged by his lack of respect for their dear leader, his corp turned him over to Goonswarm and he was subsequently doxxed repeatedly.

Thursday, 24 March 2016

The elite Imperium alliance known as 'Circle of Two' has sadly folded after its leader initiated a self-destruct command on the organisation.

Shortly after losing another battle in Vale, gigx told his members he was about to do what should have been done two years ago. Moments afterwards, all members of the alliance received a notification telling them 'gigx has initiated self-destruct of their alliance, it will explode in 120 seconds.'

There have been growing cries among SMA's nineteen active members for their leadership to also pull the plug on their alliance to avoid being humiliated any further by Test's memes. Sadly, none of their leaders have been seen in several days and are unable to respond to their line member's requests. They have, however, managed to learn some tactics from CO2, and a fleet successfully self-destructed their Tengu's after an encounter with a Pandemic Horde interceptor.

Goonswarm leadership are believed to be 'upset' the size of their zoo had once again diminished, but reminded their valued allies Asher is always on call to bail them out.

Sunday, 31 January 2016

The intrigue of CSMGate#72 has deepened after it emerged that CCP had been working to depose Sion from the CSM ever since he announced he was running for it.

An anonymous CCP source told the Eve Onion that this scheme had been in the works for quite some time.

"Earlier this year we asked Jeff Edwards if he'd like to write a book on Eve. Naturally he accepted, but we told him we're pretty shit at businesses and told him he should do it for The Mittani's website. We knew mittens see the opportunity to make money and accept it, and we also knew that he would manage to fuck up the Kickstarter so it didn't get funded, which would prompt Sion to throw a few fits and become hated by the player base. Now we could exclude TMC executives from running by rightly pointing out they are a business and may have a conflict of interest. Voila, we won't have to deal with Sion next year."

This isn't the first time an intricate scheme has been worked out to overthrow a CSM though.

"Back in 2012 we were faced with the prospect of having mittens on the CSM for yet another year, and that's not something anyone wants. Just before the alliance presentation started I handed him some vodka and told him 'if you drink this you'll get bare keks out of the audience.' He took my advice and told someone to kill himself. Absolutely shameful behaviour. We had no choice but to remove him from the CSM after that."

We were assured that CCP are hard at work to find a way to dispose of Xenuria. Allegedly it's such high priority that every staff member at Rejavik is working on it, pushing back the release of Citadels by at least two months. Most players have accepted the delay is reasonable.

Credit to Niden for the article idea, his wallet will be enriched by 42,000,069 isk. If you would also like your wallet to be enriched and you have an idea for an article, send it to Tubrug1.

Sunday, 24 January 2016

The Eve subreddit has been placed under quarantine after an innocent bystander was hospitalised due to coming into contact with what bystanders described as a 'truly horrific post'.

It's believed notorious /r/eve denizen Derty Dan was responsible for the offending literature. Fortunately Gorksi Car happened to stumble upon the thread while on active mod duty and was able to remove the dangerous comment before it could do any more damage. Gorski suffered only minor injuries, caused by his head dropping onto his desk.

Sion Kumitomo was quick to again point out the danger /r/eve posed to the health of the game.. Speaking to the Eve Onion, he said "High calibre authors will look at this and think 'wow these faggots can't post for shit'. No one will want to deal with 'that shitposting community.' This will deprive Eve of new players and it will die."

Derty, who came close to scooping /r/eve 2015 poster of the year award, was reported to be distraught after he heard the news. It's rumoured he has gone into a self-imposed exile in which he plans travel around the world to meet the finest posters bestowed upon the human race. Doctors caring for the anonymous victim have tried to reverse the damage by exposing him to /r/evedreddit. However, this has only made his condition worse.

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

The Eve community was in shock yesterday after one CSM candidate who has never entered a lowsec system confessed his knowledge of the game did not extend beyond the ability to lock targets, activate modules, warp around and dock.

Nico Zeuron commanded the support of three small highsec mining corps, with a combined total of eleven members. He had been assured he would at least be #4 on the ballots of two of these corps, before these disturbing new allegations came to light. Nico had assured his followers that he was a PVP veteran. "I once killed a suspect Thrasher on the undock in Jita. That's a Gallente battlecruiser", he clarified. "Chat shit get banged, that's my motto".

Zeuron's platform had been based around implementing an 'offline mode' to Eve so 'psychopaths cant go around killing peacful [sic] people', as well as significantly boosting yields to highsec ores. He then came unstuck when prospective voters started asking questions. The budding miner turned to a close friend to decipher terminology he was unfamiliar with, such as 'wardecs' and 'lowsec'.

It quickly became apparent that the Zeuron actually had the same level of Eve knowledge as a three hour old player. He later admitted he had not yet entered a system with a security lower than 0.8, saying he was scared James 315 himself would be waiting for him on the other side. We tried to contact Nico to clarify his side of the story but he had auto-reject on and his CSPA set to 1mil isk.