If anybody can save the children in the third world, it’s going to be Italian jeweler and chic fragrance maker, Bulgari. They’re on top of this shit. Who do you think cured Ebola and rescued the kids from Oprah’s torture schools? That’s right, Bulgari. Every time an Asian tourist buys a Bulgari watch at the Caesar’s Forum shops in Vegas, the designer brand sends an autographed picture of Celine Dion to the millions of tent kids in the Southern Sudan. It’s like UNICEF, but instead of most of the money going toward lunches in Zurich, only most of the money does. If I were a street urchin in Sri Lanka licking the rust off unexploded ordinance just to stay alive, I’d tell Bulgari to keep my four cents and send the Carl’s Jr. chick to flash her titties in my face just once before my pancreas dissolves.

The People’s Choice Awards aired live from Los Angeles last night on CBS, which must have been so exciting for the simple-minded folk who think that casting votes for celebrities somehow bridges the gap between the elite and their fans. The big winners of the night were Heidi Klum and Malin Akerman, who were both nominated for Favorite Pair of Partially Exposed Breasts, and wouldn’t you know it? They tied!

But for a complete list of the evening’s winners, be sure to ask your recently-divorced aunt or the unemployed hoarder who lives next door to you, because they’re the only people on Earth who would know.

Malin Akerman described her slutty teenage years to pasted-together talk show host Chelsea Handler. In the soon to be cancelled show, The Trophy Wife, Akerman plays…well…the trophy wife of an older dude. So, Handler asked her if she’d ever slept with an older guy. She then told the sordid tale of having an affair with an aromatic 28-year-old Frenchie when she was just 16. When Handler pointed out that fucking a girl who is just old enough to drive is illegal she said,

“This was in France. … His name was Fabio, so that’s awesome. I vacationed a lot in European countries where there are no rules — drink at any age, have sex at any age, obviously.

I’m pretty sure there are age of consent laws in most countries, even in socially enlightened France. Then Handler said that she heard that Akerman didn’t shower for a month after getting fucked three ways from Sunday by this greasy Frog. Akerman added,

“Who has time? We do a European shower. You wash the parts that need to be washed because you kind of have to.”

I guess that works in France, where the concept of a daily shower seems as foreign as being polite to strangers. As for me, I almost don’t care how hot you are, I’m expecting basic hygiene. Malin Akerman is close. Still, when you come off looking less clean than Chelsea Handler, that’s a feminine issue that needs some addressing.