Playboy Mogul Hugh Hefner Gave Us Conrad Hefner’s Dick and I Want It

I have to admit. I don’t really think much of the man behind Playboy. As far back as I can remember Hugh Hefner’s been off my radar. He was never young enough to be relevant to me personally nor was he accessible enough for me to take his game and turn it on him.

What I’m saying is during my party prime–Hugh M. Hefner–the brains behind the Playboy publishing empire and the man who single handedly takes credit for the sexual revolution WASN’T FUCKABLE SO HE WAS IRRELEVANT.

This is something white men can get away with. Especially semi-attractive, successful ones. Which is probably why Hugh was linked to buxom beautiful babes until the day he died. Image is everything. But I think you have to consider that even when “Girls Next Door” was at it’s peak–Hugh was a fucking fossil.

If this was a real feminist rant I know I would use this as opportunity to pivot into how he used drugs to lure in women and disarm them of their sensibilities. At least, I’d mention how adamantly Holly Madison considered herself a prisoner of Hef. Perhaps, I’d point out that Kendra Wilkinson wrote about how awful it was to be a 21-year-old babe who wasn’t allowed to talk to other men…even if Hugh wasn’t banging her.

So much of the Playboy empire was based on controlling the power of women, by pointing at female sexual power and putting it on display. From the second Hefner published the photos that nearly destroyed Marilyn Monroe’s career to buying up the mausoleum plot next to the world’s most famous blonde…we all can agree that Hefner was kind of a fucking creep.

Now, you have to understand a few things about me to understand why I can say this. First of all, I peddled smalltime smut. Earmuffs for those of you that shouldn’t be reading this, but I used to run a dick pic website called the Dickoupage Project.

Fortunately for everyone, it evolved and morphed into more of a feminist statement than anything else. But for a moment in time, I collected the world’s unwanted dick pics and I’d write essays and attach them to the dick pic. The essays didn’t even have to be about the dick pic. I paired dick pics with words as an afterthought…which in theory, pretty much mirrors the way men send them out.

So like Hef, I did some exploiting, but it’s fine because the pics were mostly sent to me by the men who owned them. They wanted to be exploited. They wanted the exposure. I think in legalease this concept is known as compliant negligence. Except, of course, how could there have been a Dickoupage Project to donate dick pics to if there wasn’t a dick pic problem in the first place. So clearly, the issue can be shifted back onto men. I was simply liberating them–the dick pics that is–so it’s like, WITHOUT ME THESE DICK PICS HAD ZERO VALUE. Which I am sure Hef would have agreed with because what’s the point of having nudie pics if no one is making any money.

And although I am mostly in dick-pic-sex-peddler-retirement, I could return under the right circumstances…but I’d have to have a good reason. I’m sure Hef, who famously made nudity chic with the success of Playboy, would agree.

Like, dick pics are played out…but what if there was a pristine dick that hasn’t seen the light of day. One that was the rightful heir to perhaps, the Playboy empire. What I’m saying, is I’d come out of dick pic retirement to write all about Cooper Hefner’s dick. And maybe more than that. He’s a human too and I’m sure he needs to be loved, but what if he isn’t worth it? What if he really just is the sum of his parts. I guess the only way we’d really know is if we had some sort of proof that his dick was truly the rightful heir to a throne built on the nudes of women.

26-year-old Conrad Hefner grew up in the Playboy Mansion and now he’s inherited the Playboy name…and he even reinstated the nudity because he’s the American hero we obviously need. Now that his father has passed away, he’s the Chief Creative Officer at Playboy Enterprises. In short, Conrad is THE GUY.

Which is why I want nothing more than to exploit him because, like Conrad’s father, I am merely finding ways to share my love of the male form with the world. However, he’s still 26-years-old, and it’s been my experience that men under the age of 30 are THE WORST, so I need him to at least give it about 8 years and then give me a call.

Hugh Hefner can forever be considered the father of the sexual revolution, but I’ll tell you something. Just like Conrad inherited his status, Hugh stole the sexual revolution from women. Exploiting men is easier than you think. You don’t even have to do it sexually. To exploit a man, you exploit his feelings or his finances. Unfortunately for Hugh and Conrad, exploiting women for their sexuality is dated af. It turns out we’ve been in the driver’s seat this whole time, letting men think they have power. Women liberated their own damn selves and that’s why Playboy lost it’s footing…that and the internet.

I have a website with dick pics and weird essays. I have naked pics of myself and others. This is my body and it will be given up…for me. Unless you’re Conrad Hefner, and then, I’ll be waiting for your dick pic so I can come out of sex peddler retirement.