'Something Borrowed' an insufferable mess of a romantic comedy

Courtesy PhotoKate Hudson stars in "Something Borrowed," a film based on the bestselling book by Emily Giffin.

‘I know it sounds crazy, but hot people get cheated on sometimes.”

These revelatory words could have come from that sage of sages, Jennifer Aniston — but in “Something Borrowed,” they trip off of the forked tongue of Darcy Rhone (Kate Hudson), a hip harpy who continually strives to be the dreaded “fun one” in every group by shrieking excitedly, jumping around, swinging her hips and doing awful imitations of Mae West.

Meanwhile, her painfully modest BFF, Rachel White (Ginnifer Goodwin), plays the weak-willed wallflower to Darcy’s wild orchid. Rachel usually can be found in Darcy’s shadow, gazing upon Darcy with a look that can be read as either deep admiration or complete and utter dread.

“You’re 30: You can’t afford to be picky!” the ecstatically engaged Darcy lectures the eternally single Rachel. Yes, while “Something Borrowed,” based on Emily Giffin’s 2005 best-seller, may take place in 2011, its mindset is a lot closer to 1961. (Anyone who wants to see a smart movie about contemporary friendship should wait for Kristen Wiig’s screamingly funny “Bridesmaids” next week.)

FILM REVIEW

‘Something Borrowed’

1 out of 4 stars

Rated: PG-13 for sexual content including dialogue, some drug material

Cast: Kate Hudson, Ginnifer Goodwin, Colin Eggleston, John Krasinski

Director: Luke Greenfield

Run time: 110 minutes

While Darcy and Rachel may have livelier premarital sex lives than Sandra Dee or Doris Day ever did, they’re still listening to that age-old warning that a woman’s only value lies in the little band of gold on her left hand.

Unbelievable and obnoxious from the start, “Borrowed” amounts to a sour, torturous twist on Julia Roberts’ “My Best Friend’s Wedding.” In that 1997 smash, a smart sophisticate is forced to acknowledge that the guy she always adored is about to slip through her fingers unless she acts fast. In “Wedding,” that involved the deliciously devious Roberts engineering surreptitious attempts to sabotage her dreamboat’s plans.

However, Rachel’s realization that Dex (Colin Egglesfield), her faithful study buddy in law school, will soon be Mr. Darcy — and not in the Jane Austen sense — hurls her into a tedious series of flirtations, evasions and self-recriminations, interrupted by a brief jaunt to London to deliver a fast-food fix to a hungry friend overseas. After a six-hour plane ride from New York, that poor burger must be every bit as indigestible as “Something Borrowed” itself.

Forget the fact the screenwriters know nothing about international customs regulations; they’re equally clueless when it comes to the way human beings behave toward one another.

When maneater Darcy was ready to put the bite on Dex, she apparently never took time for that “are you absolutely sure it’s OK with you?” conversation with Rachel that anyone with a scintilla of sensitivity would have had.

Courtesy PhotoJohn Krasinski, left, and Ginnifer Goodwin in a scene from "Something Borrowed."

Then again, the plot turns on the idea that Rachel and Dex spent years staring into each other’s eyes without either one of them making a move, only to impulsively tumble into bed after a few beers. (In fact, if these characters weren’t all borderline-alcoholics, approximately 75 percent of their problems would disappear.)

Dex and Rachel spend inordinate amounts of time fretting about hurting Darcy’s feelings, ironic since Hudson’s shrill, repellent performance doesn’t suggest the hideous Darcy has any feelings to hurt. Darcy makes her first appearance screeching like a car alarm and almost immediately begins snidely and smilingly belittling Rachel in public. Her nasty narcissism only intensifies from there.

Goodwin gives Rachel a bit more of a heart, yet it’s hard to buy the notion that a crusader in the courtroom would suffer from such chronic indecisiveness and an inability to stick up for herself; considering how spineless and mealy mouthed she seems, who’d want her as an attorney?

Egglesfield effectively displays the physique that made him a successful model; the starchiness in his facial expressions and line readings proves far less alluring. The much livelier John Krasinski is handed the thankless task of playing the kooky confidante, listening to Rachel’s long-winded confessions and reacting with indignation and warmed-over wisecracks.

The movie reaches a staggeringly dopey peak of sorts when Darcy and Rachel suddenly break into a shoulder-shimmying, booty-bouncing tribute to Salt-N-Pepa. The song, of course, is “Push It,” although when it comes to this insufferable movie, “shove it” might be a more appropriate sentiment.