You never know how your progress will help someone remember who they are. Recently I was given the opportunity to re-connect with an old friend. This woman knew me as a teenager and saw me at my worst, however she never stopped loving me. She was highly influential to me as a teenager and young adult because of her unconditional love and heart towards young people. Our worlds divided after much drama (outside of me) that hurt her tremendously and broke her spirit. Every time I saw her she would have this glow but after the drama the few times I talked to her, it wasn’t there.

Anyway, I went to her house in December to say hello. We played cards, laughed, and talked as if no time elapsed. Last month I invited her to my house to hang out. We started talking, then I paused to listen beyond the words. As I listened, I realized that although she was hurt and much was taken from her, the passion and love for young people was still there. She expressed how proud she was of me and few other young people she dealt with. Also, how seeing me and another young lady recently made her realize how influential she was and in short, realize that dealing with young people was more than a passion but her calling. She also realized that touching the lives of young people can go beyond the church doors. I expressed to her how she influenced me as a teenager and most of all, loved me through my mess. I also took that time to apologize for the chaos I caused. Although I cannot change the past, I am big enough to admit when I was wrong.

Many people say they care about young people but only few are willing to step out and do something about it. This woman did everything in her power to reach young people but not only did she reach them, she was effective and the results were/are long lasting.

I began thinking and realized that sometimes we allow life to deter us from our passions and callings. Some of us were trained to put so much faith in man or leadership that we lose sight of where our gifting’s and callings come from. We allow “people” to dictate what we can do, who we can reach, and what format our gifting’s should be used. Reaching people has to stretch beyond the church doors and when we fail to recognize that we become people who are simply (as my sister says) “sucking up air.”

Although this woman and I use to attend church together, the most influential moments I remember were outside of the church house. She taught and showed me how to love people unconditionally through their faults; how a smile and hug that we perceive as simple can brighten a person’s day; how to speak up for myself when something’s not right; how to follow my gut and not the crowd; how to serve others with the right motives; and how to encourage people even when they are acting like idiots.

Re-connecting served a dual purpose. She could see some of the fruits of her labor and see how much of positive influence she truly is. I was reminded of what a pure, genuine heart of love looked like. Also, no matter what we experience in life never allow it to destroy our passion and deter us from our calling. Everyone will experience hurt but no one or nothing is worth losing yourself over. So get up, dust yourself off, and like Mufasa said in The Lion King “remember who you are.”

My last post on 7/2/2012 spoke about my best friend/ex-husband/children’s father receiving a diagnosis of Leukemia that shook our foundation. On 7/7/2012 he left this earth leaving me to question everything I know. I was talking to my other half yesterday and realized how big a role he played in my everyday life. In the 10 years we have known each other, I can count on my hands how many weeks we did not communicate in some form even after divorce. If a week went by without talking it was odd and we knew something was wrong.

Many people questioned our relationship/friendship after divorced oftentimes followed by negative words. He would call me frustrated and I would remind him that people will always talk; it’s about what you believe and what is in your heart that truly matters. I was reading back through some of our old emails and I ran across one from January 8, 2009 when we were speaking about what people around him had to say. Just an excerpt:

…Truth is I love you more than even I could have imagined.Its cool people can talk…I know in my heart and soul what I want where I want it and with whom I would like to share my life with.

Or his last non business email to me 5/30/2012 regarding our son:

I appreciate all that you do to be a consistent part in his life, and in building him to be a great young man. There is no way that I could do this without you. Situation aside you find a way to ensure that he is still in touch educationally as well as socially. You always make sure that he has whatever he needs from you to succeed to the very best of your situation. I applaud and thank you for all that is simply Joy.

I love you.

Or his last personal text message to me 6/27/2012 after I asked him about his test results:

He would call me or send me messages like this often. He started this after our son was born and continued it until two days before his death. He and I would tell each other how well we were doing as parents even with the 300 mile distance between us. We encouraged each other and remained a support. I didn’t understand it at first but his point was to tell people how you feel while their living because you never know when their end will be. God knows I didn’t expect his end to be so soon.

Lessons I learned from his life:

1. Always be true to yourself even when people put you down.

2. Make sure people dearest to you know how much you love them while they are living.

3. Don’t allow the opinions of others to make you feel like you can’t be real about how you feel. Stand up for yourself, what you feel, and what you believe because playing both sides will make you miserable.

4. People will always have something to say but you must have the courage to stand up for what you feel and believe.

5. Most importantly, when you say you love someone, show them.

We had a great relationship for a divorced couple, why because we made a choice. We decided that respecting one another was more important than holding on to any bitterness and acting foolish in front of our children. I encourage divorced parents to learn to get along. No the marriage didn’t work out but that doesn’t mean you have to further injure your children by acting like idiots. You may think holding that anger against your ex is hurting them, but the most injury is placed on your children. He and I didn’t always agree nor did we always like each other but even in those moments we found a way to communicate and find a solution. Your children have to be more important than any hurt your ex may have caused you. Think about the pictures you are placing before them. I’m sure it would break your heart if they repeated your actions as an adult. How can you teach them to be productive and responsible adults when you fail to do the same? How can you teach them to love and respect people when you show them nothing but disrespect? We are human and at some point we will hurt each other. The question is how will you handle it? Is the hurt worth leaving your child or children out there to fend for themselves? Do you love your children enough to stop the madness?

Thank you Walter PJ Coffey for helping me to become a better person. Thank you for not being afraid to tell me when I was wrong even when I didn’t like it. Thank you for always encouraging me. Thank you for making sure I knew that you loved me, or as you said “you’re the only woman I truly ever loved” even in your hospital bed. This is definitely an adjustment because you have been a constant presence in my life the last 10 years but the place in my heart for you will never fade. You will always be the first man I ever loved…Rest in peace PJ 8/14/1974-7/7/2012.

As I prepare for my graduation tomorrow I can’t help but reflect on what it took to get me to this point. I have been called many names, negatively labeled, and some even laughed at the idea of me going to school expecting me to fail. I was speaking to my son today about labels and how when we display certain negative behaviors consistently people often attach that label to us. I explained to him that although it is frustrating the only person that can change it is the individual labeled. Changing the label isn’t about changing for people, it is about growing and maturing to a level beyond our past negative actions. I use to become frustrated when people placed labels on me but then I had to pause and think about whether my actions made the labels accurate. Often times they did and other times it was an unfair assumption and as grandma says to assume is to make an A.. of U and ME.

When I was a teenager people placed many labels on me and I found myself acting them out. My mindset was “well since that what you think I am, then that’s what I will be”, although my heart was in a different place. It became more frustrating as an adult when I grew beyond the actions of my youth and people still held me in a place of my past negativity. I am often amused by family members that I haven’t spoken to in years or old acquaintances that say they know me. That phrase is often followed by a past label of my youth without considering that maybe I have grown up.

It is easy to get caught up in how people feel about you or what they say even to a point of affecting one’s self esteem. I spent many years feeling as if I could be nothing more than what people called me but then I grew up. It hurt me more because most times it was “church people” placing the negative labels on me. If I had a quarter for every time a “church person” called me “bad” I would be rich. My mistake was placing “church people” to a higher standard without recognizing that they are human to. I believe that’s where many people get tripped up feeling that just because a person goes to church, is a minister, or highly involved means they are perfect. Ha! We all bleed the same blood and live in the same world, facing many of the same issues whether folks are real enough to admit it.

So here’s what I learned: Labeling people is wrong but is practiced by every human at some point in their lifetime so get over it. The best thing I could do for me is know who I am and be secure in it. Just because people called me a name didn’t mean I had to live my everday by it. If I had not stopped living by the labels placed on me, I would probably be strung out on drugs, in jail for life, have 18 kids, or in a grave by now. Point being, change your label for you. Forget people. Establish your core values, know who you are, embrace who you are, love yourself, and live your best life.