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To the barista who was responsible for my first coffee fix of the day:

‘No, that is not okay. My horrified face should tell you this. Seven francs for a coffee is bad enough, but when I specifically asked if you spoke English, and you said you did, and then asked if you did iced coffees, I expected to receive… well, a damn good iced coffee. Not a cup of tepid filter coffee with a scoop of vanilla ice cream floating on top. So this is why you’re not getting a tip.’

To the girl sitting next to me on the airplane:

‘You don’t need to say ‘mmmm’ after every mouthful of sandwich. I already deduced your enjoyment from the loud munching and slurping noises you were making. And don’t expect me to catch your eye and smile back at you in complicity. Unless, of course, you want me to point out the mayonnaise in the corner of your mouth. And while we’re on the topic of things that disgust me, please be aware that by shoving my arm off our communal armrest, you made me lose my place in the book I was reading. Oh, and learn to wear deodorant. Your armpit is less than a foot from my nose.’

To her friend:

‘I don’t actually care about Kate Middleton’s teeth. I don’t know you, and I don’t read Hello. So when you thrust the open magazine under my nose, don’t expect me to respond. Incidentally, it’s a little ironic that you think she resembles a horse. Looked in the mirror recently?’

To the owner of the airport bus:

‘You asked people to support your flailing business by choosing your bus company over the competition. I have done this. Please reciprocate this kindness by turning up on time and in the right place.’

To the woman across the aisle on my bus:

‘Your baby’s noises are not cute. Yes, it’s wonderful that she’s found her voice, but when she continually screams, it hurts people’s ears. The fact that they’re “happy noises” does not make them pleasant. Furthermore, her full nappy is not endearing, nor is her ability to throw toys across the aisle. So excuse me for not returning your doting smile.’

Happy noises. Hooray!

To my dad:

‘That was the NICEST cup of tea I’ve ever drunk. Thank you for knowing exactly how I like it.’