Garry Littman is the owner and director of The Language House in Geneva which organises English language training for professional people, companies and students. He was a radio and newspaper journalist in his native Australia and ran a restaurant in Kathmandu in his younger days. He is an English language trainer and an aficionado of pétanque.

A strong argument for a president without a penis

If you boil it all down - men, power, politics, and wealth - it seems that all you are left with is that dangly bit between a man’s legs.

Yes, the penis, which is never too far from a man’s thoughts, has popped out of its pants and taken centre stage in the never-ending US election soap opera. For this we can thank Marco Rubio and, of course, Donald Trump, a man who many think is a bit of a dick, but who desperately wants people to think of him as a lot of a dick.

Mr Trump spent a substantial part of an interview with The Washington Times last week defending the size of his hands, fingers and that important dangly bit that presidents need in large supply to rule the unruly roost. This is the same newspaper that broke Watergate, though it must be said, with the help of Deep Throat.

Donald Trump’s commander-in-chief defence of his baby-maker, best friend, bratwurst, donger, John Thomas, knob, lingam, member, love muscle, prick, private part, schlong, trouser snake and wedding tackle began when Marco Rubio made his juvenile ‘you know what they say about men with small hands…’ attack.

His comments clearly got under Trump’s foreskin.

The Trump quotes below come from a lengthy interview with the Washington Times, soon-to-re-published as The Penis Chronicles by D. Trump.

Jokes aside, this is real.

Here’s my hands. Now I have my hands, I hear, on the New Yorker, a picture of my hands … A hand with little fingers coming out of a stem. Like, little. Look at my hands. They’re fine.. My hands are normal hands. During a debate, he [Marco Rubio] was losing, and he said, “Oh, he has small hands and therefore, you know what that means.” This was not me. This was Rubio that said, “He has small hands and you know what that means.” OK? So, he started it. So, what I said a couple of days later … and what happened is I was on line shaking hands with supporters, and one of supporters got up and he said: “Mr Trump, you have strong hands. You have good-sized hands.” And then another one would say: “You have great hands, Mr Trump, I had no idea.” I said: “What do you mean?” He said: “I thought you were like deformed, and I thought you had small hands.” I had 50 people … Is that a correct statement? I mean people were writing: “How are Mr Trump’s hands?”

My hands are fine. You know, my hands are normal. Slightly large, actually. In fact, I buy a slightly smaller than large glove, OK? No, but I did this because everybody was saying to me: “Oh, your hands are very nice. They are normal.” So Rubio, in a debate, said, because he had nothing else to say … Obviously, it didn’t work too well. But one of the things he said was: “He has small hands and therefore, you know what that means, he has small something else.”

I don’t want people to go around thinking that I have a problem. I’m telling you, I had so many people. I would say 25, 30 people would tell me … every time I’d shake people’s hand: “Oh, you have nice hands.” Why shouldn’t I? And, by the way, by saying that I solved the problem. Nobody questions … I even held up my hands, and said: “Look, take a look at that hand” … And by saying that, I solved the problem. Nobody questions. Everyone held my hand. I said: look. Take a look at that hand.

He [Rubio] said: “Donald Trump has small hands and therefore he has small something else.” I didn’t say that. And all I did is when he failed, when he was failing, when he was, when [Chris] Christie made him look bad, I gave him the … a little recap and I said, and I said, and I had this big strong powerful hand ready to grab him, because I thought he was going to faint. And everybody took it fine. Whether it was presidential or not, I can’t tell you. I can just say that what he said was a lie. And everybody, they wanted to do stories on my hands; after I said that, they never did. And then I held up the hand, I showed people the hand."