Your “It’s Pronounced ‘Labour Day'” Holiday Monday Open Thread

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

All Canadians must leave the fishing, logging or mining camps where they have laboured during the summer and return to their hometowns. It’s a long journey, for the Canada Act mandates that Canadians must venture a minimum of 500 kilometres north of their current location and commence whatever physical labour is required to maintain maple syrup production. Of course, there are other jobs, like clubbing baby seals off Newfoundland and taking gullible tourists Sasquatch hunting in the Rockies, but the majority of work these days is in preparing Canada’s other favourite amber for export.

There used to be more work in hockey stick production, but thanks to those damned Europeans and their affection for composite sticks, quantity has won out over quality. There are still some old forms in production, but people these days seem to value IKEA banality over character product.

This was every Canadian garage in the 80s.

Mostly, this annual ritual serves only to arrange purchase & transport of Tim Hortons coffee back up country. However, upon completing their return trek, all Canadians (men & women) aged 18-40 must submit for government inspection, for it is also the season for restocking the hockey teams. First, they must possess the right “hockey name” – preferably something that can be enhanced by adding an “-ie” or “-by”. Further, candidates under 5’8″ will be sentenced to two years mandatory grain threshing, where it’s hoped the tough, menial labour will transform them into remorseless elbowing machines.

After that first elimination process, they will be tested on skating speed, passing accuracy, and ability to spell “Gretzky”, “Barilko” and “Mosienko”. The few that succeed are sent off to training facilities in Rouyn, Quebec, The Pas, Manitoba and Rainy River, Ontario. [It’s said that for every 100 who apply, only four are chosen.] Here, their mettle will be hardened into steel, and then those lucky few who survive will be peppered throughout North American amateur & minor hockey leagues. After that comes tryouts for the national teams, where the selection process is even more severe.

Here’s the selection process for the 2018 World Junior team.

The unsuccessful candidates will be sold off as bartenders to chain restaurants in Toronto, Vancouver & Montreal, where they will regale tourists and inspire new immigrants with tales of, “Man, if I’d just had a break…” They will be hated by all, especially themselves, because if they’d just had a chance…

In America, this year, they will mark Labor Day by announcing the deportation of children.

#MAGA

Tonight’s sports:

Football:

CFL:

Argos at Tiger-Cats – 6:30PM | TSN

NCAA:

Tennessee vs. Georgia Tech – 8:00PM | ESPN

Baseball:

Blue Jays at Red Sox – 7:00Pm | Sportsnet

Tennis:

U.S. Open Tennis: Round of 16 – 7:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN2

WWE:

Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

Enjoy your freedom, for tomorrow the work year begins anew. An even worse fate? PATRIOTS THURSDAY!

Related

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

Also, while Trump probably was 6’3″ at one point in his life, he’s most certainly shrunk with age and is now at least an inch shorter. See photos of him standing next to Obama at the Inauguration.

0

September 4, 2017 8:00 pm

Member

herodotus450

Chapter 3 in his book is that you always wear heel risers to be the tallest guy in the room

2

September 4, 2017 8:02 pm

Member

JustStopDude

Jack Welch is the best example in American Business how you can be an utter and complete failure, but if you are rich enough, not only can you fuck things up and never get blamed, but you will always have a job available to you.

The House and Senate has unanimously passed 435-0 and 100-0 bill to be send to the President’s desk for his signature. The bill, which is being called the “‘Its called Checks and Balances, Bitch’ Bill” and the text reads “We’re tired of his crap. Trump is a dick. DACA will continue until we fix it.”

And then Scarlett Johansson and Emma Stone show up at my doorway for sexual congress.

I can’t believe people are objecting to Trump revoking DACA. What kind of message would it send if we were to tell these functional members of society that it was okay for them to sit idly by as five year-olds while their parents broke immigration laws?

I’m holding out hope that his Chief of Staff will pull a “Dave” and tomorrow and a temp agency supervisor will be addressing the nation that he is going to support the Dream Act on the condition that Democrats support the Republicans plan to strengthen the boarders and stop the inflow of illegal immigrants into the country.

0

September 4, 2017 6:41 pm

Member

Unsurprised

The Ari Fleischer idea.

I doubt Trump will remember he promised this in six month’s time. It’s not going to happen.

1

September 4, 2017 6:49 pm

Member

CBQUE

There will be a huge march on Trump Tower tomorrow. Sorry but fuck this man & anyone who voted for him. If he were shot dead the world would cheer.

I wanted to write “Curse Hillary and her allies for stacking the deck on Bernie Sanders. Fuck it, if I can cross the aisle in ’04 and vote for John Kerry, I can cross the aisle in ’16 for Sanders.” but the space was too small.

2

September 4, 2017 6:49 pm

Member

Brick Meathook

preferably something that can be enhanced by adding an “-ie” or “-by”

The most Canadian name has got to be Brodie, meaning that if someone has that name they are guaranteed to be Canadian, and no non-Canadian will ever have that name. Gordie is probably second.

Most British name? Clive.

The United States is vast and diverse so finding a pure American name is more difficult, but I’m pretty sure we have a lock on Joe Bob and Cale.

I can’t believe there is a day set aside to celebrate the American workers. Like we need a day to celebrate people that work. What’s next, a day to celebrate people that earn welfare in spite of not finding a job? Don’t get me wrong, unions were right in the early 20th century when every job was an underpaid, death trap for kids, but this country has gone to hell ever since the unions decided that all the workers need to get paid more than they deserve driving up prices and…

(less evil Moderate Republican personality reasserts itself)

Sorry. I took a nap on the porch and Fox News was on TV. Happy Labo(u)r Day, Everyone!

You watch, White HODOR! will be out all season and Tolzien will be cut after he shits all over the pitch this weekend. Stream that RAMIT!!! defense, ppl. And watch Black HODOR! become a legend in GravyTown…

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