Nov 8, 2013

I’ll Have the Pie

Are you ready for
Christmas? No, me either. But last night I decided to watch a little
television to relax and veg out and what happened? I was accosted by one
Christmas themed advertisement after another. Last night, November 7th, a week
past Halloween, seven weeks before Christmas, and three solid weeks before my
favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. (Isn't Thanksgiving great? Just food,
food, more food, family, friends, and more food, including pie.) But I digress.
I was saying that I'm not ready for Christmas. And of course I don't want to be
ready. What kind of anal planner has the holidays under control this far in
advance?

But Glade Air Fresheners is
ready. They're already running an ad with a multiracial group of girls singing
about peace. Because when your kitchen smells of fish or your living room reeks
of eau de chien, your mind immediately goes to the end of war for all time,
right? Sniff, sniff. Sniff, sniff. Yeah, I think that's garlic
and will there ever be peace in the Middle East?

Walmart's running ads with
garlands and red ribbons in the background and then, to make sure you get
the main point—presents—they show a woman sitting on Santa's lap. That's a
little creepy. And Walmart's also partnering with Wheel of Fortune on
Secret Santa-themed shows. Again, kind of creepy. Who are these secret
gift givers and where are they hiding? Will one pop out of the wheel in
an elf suit? Or peek from behind the bonus board to whisper hints? Try
C. I think there's a C. Maybe an A?

Kay Jewelers isn't being
left behind. They're pushing gifts of jewelry under the tree this year, because
what woman doesn't want her boyfriend to propose in front of her whole family
while she's still in her bathrobe? Nissan's ad has Christmas trees in the
showrooms and they seem to only be selling red cars this time of year. Sorry
ma'am, powder blue isn't available until Easter. Disney takes it a
step further and suggests contacting your travel agent to spend the holidays in
the Magic Kingdom where no doubt you'll encounter Mickey and Minnie dressed as
Mr. and Mrs. Claus.

And those aren't all the
Christmas commercials I saw in just two and a half hours. Best Buy, Bank of
America, in fact, probably all the commercials from now until December 26th will
feature holly, fir, mistletoe, Santa, reindeer, and piles and piles of
presents.

I know this is by now an
old lament. The Christmas season has been marching ever earlier on the
calendar, ruining the fun for kids and adults alike. If one quarter of the
year is devoted to hyping shopping in the wrappings of made-for-TV movies, feel-good pablum, and various interpretations of the holiday, from the very
religious to the very secular, how damn special can it be? Now, I'm not
religious and never was, but I remember the almost-impossible-to-stand
anticipation of Christmas morning after just a few weeks of hype. It was
painfully delicious. It was special. This nonstop barrage is just
downright annoying.

Funny, it's Hanukkah that's
right around the corner; it starts super early this year, in November, the day
before my favorite holiday. Did I mention pie?

Yeah, so true. This has been going on a while: “By the abundance of your commerce you have become violent” (Ezekiel 28:16). If I'm on top of my game my blog entry, same topic, will appear next week at "Writing Occupy."