Thursday, April 25, 2013

Julie D’Aubigny was a 17th-century bisexual French opera singer and fencing master who killed or wounded at least ten men in life-or-death duels, performed nightly shows on the biggest and most highly-respected opera stage in the world, and once took the Holy Orders just so that she could sneak into a convent and bang a nun.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

We (my roommates) rescued a dog that some people in the neighborhood were just going to set loose. It was a snap decision, "Just give us the freaking dog; we can put him in the backyard until we can take him to a shelter."

But then we fell in love. And the typically allergic roommate didn't have a reaction. The dog was quiet and well-behaved, if a bit too jumpy and nippy and in possession of un-filed raptor claws. He rarely barked and never reacted to the adjacent neighbors' ape-shit dogs who bark incessantly.

So we (my roommate) took him to the vet yesterday to get him checked out. He's about 6 months old and pretty healthy except for hookworms, which takes a three-day prescription. He was abused by previous owners but is young enough that we can love him to pieces all better.

He was very nervous Sunday when we first brought him inside and stood ready to go back out for several seconds before cautiously and unenthusiastically sniffing around the living room at our encouragement. He delighted only in finding a cat toy to nom. But when I got home last night, I saw a HUGE difference in how relaxed and well-adjusted he was after spending the day at home with the roommate. That made me happiest of all.

Roommate wanted to call him Pax, like peace, but his wife called him Paxil, like the antidepressant, and that was that. He's a pit mix and very sweet and mellow, as eager puppies in a loving new home go, but the vet was happy to declare him boxer/collie so that our landlord will allow it.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

There is no blackboard in the sky on which God has written your purpose, your mission in life. There's no blackboard in the sky that says, Neil Donald Walsch... handsome guy... who lived in the first part of the twenty-first century who, colon... and then there's a blank, you know. And all I have to do to really understand what I'm doing here, why I'm here, is to find that blackboard and find out what God really has in mind for me. But the blackboard doesn't exist.

So your purpose is what you say it is.

Your mission is the mission you give yourself.

Your life will be what you create it as, and no-one will stand in judgement of it, now or ever. - Neale Donald Walsch

Even when I did believe, faith was never what gave my life meaning. Life is about making it meaningful for yourself. Even when I did believe, I was a skeptic and couldn’t be certain I would get into Heaven, or that there was an afterlife at all, so it made little sense to shun worldly pleasures for a life of austere piety, gambling everything on a promise of a reward someday in eternity, easily 60, 70 years away. And, really, why would God give us this precious gift of life and expect us not to make the most of it? Perhaps I’ve always been a hedonist.

So here I find myself, an agnostic atheist. I can acknowledge that It’s entirely possible God does exist, but I just don’t care because it obviously doesn’t care about me or this planet, and I’m definitely not going to believe in an almighty creator petty enough to require the worship and adoration of its creation.

I can honestly say I’m not afraid of death. (Pain and suffering are another matter entirely.) I’ve lived a damn cool life: traveled the world, fallen in love, enjoyed fabulous food, swum with sharks, finished a half marathon, created art and learned many things. Sure, there’s more awesome stuff I’d like to see and do, but this life really is good enough. It’s unfortunate that people who care for me will miss me, but I’ll be dead so I can’t really care. Living forever doesn’t appeal to me.

"Do you believe in immortality? No, and one life is enough for me." -Einstein

“Kindness” covers all of my political beliefs. No need to spell them out. I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.

And Shel Silverstein:

“Draw a crazy picture,

Write a nutty poem,

Sing a mumble-gumble song,

Whistle through your comb.

Do a loony-goony dance

'Cross the kitchen floor,

Put something silly in the world

That ain't been there before.”

I’ve made some people happy and made some people think. And that is definitely enough. I’ve seen beautiful sights and that is a bonus, more than most can hope for.

I was surprised how close Monday's events struck home for me, since I have no ties to Boston, and I don't think I've even ever been there. But as a runner, the attack on MY community hurt me deeply, and I cried most of the long drive home.

"But the scar. The trust that the finish line will be a place of glory and celebration, that’s marred. The finish line is now a place where our brothers and sisters and allies were brutally attacked. That scar… that’s not going away.

Monday, April 15, 2013

It is an example of how the impossible media ideal of
beauty affects everyone. As much as I like this idea, I couldn't get over the
use of predominantly white, conventionally attractive women in the video (and neither could this writer who goes further in-depth on the issue). Sure,
it's easy for strangers to describe pretty, white women as pretty, white women;
big surprise. And I get that everyone has issues, and that these women's
issues are real, but they (we/I) have SO much privilege in this arena.

Without
some old ladies and fat ladies and disabled ladies and ethnically diverse
ladies, it comes across as insincere to me. (I’ve only watched the first
video in the series.)

Related: I'm trying and failing to formulate a cohesive thought regarding the value of sincere compliments versus the rage-inducing nature of intentional external validation (especially from men). But Alexandra says it better:

"Dove’s version of beauty, however, is more than skin-deep…but not necessarily in a good way. In addition to confirming that ladies should want certain physical traits like “nice thin jaws,” the video also promotes what I’ll call the One Direction Theory of Unknown Beauty (ODTUB). As those little boys sing, “You don’t know you’re beautiful, oh oh, that’s what makes you beautiful.” Part of the allure of the Dove women, similarly, is that they’re unaware of their loveliness: dressed to attract little attention, they don’t tell the artist about their beautiful eyes. As he sketches them, they are the very picture of feminine humility and thus, according to the ODTUB, feminine beauty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all need a broader definition of beauty to help us love ourselves and each other in order to live and thrive.

Friday, April 12, 2013

I know about and try to recognize my thin privilege, white privilege, middle class privilege, university graduate privilege, the Christian privilege I had growing up, and so on. (And I just recently discovered ability privilege while writing this post.) The concepts are new to me, though, and I’m still learning.

Sometimes I mess up and make comments intended to understand others better but effectively minimize a marginalized person’s experiences. I’m sorry. Really. I don’t always understand the problem. You can get mad, or you can help me do better by pointing it out. I prefer constructive criticism and probably willfully won’t hear anything accusatory because my heart’s in the right place and I can be pretty self-righteous.

It’s a tightrope walk.

My experiences and feelings are valid, too. I’m a thin fat activist and a feminist because even I’ve been a victim of size bigotry and appearance-policing and the commodification of women’s bodies as public property open to unasked-for public use, judgement, and scorn. This is my blog and my story and here I share my experiences.My privilege means I can publicly admit I am not on a diet and am not a fan of diets, such as at work or among friends, and I won't be questioned or challenged. Most people around me know I enjoy exercise, so they'll attribute my figure to that without a second thought (never mind that I work out sporadically, at best). This came up at a dinner conversation once, but I didn't have the will to counter and explain the ill effects of dieting and intentional weight loss. I was at a table full of a dozen straight size women talking about dieting and weight loss. But they were my friend's friends, and who am I to rain on their parade? I felt ashamed and disappointed in myself for weeks after. Still do, truth be told.My privilege means that when I submitted a photo on Facebook to the Body Love Campaign, my friends expressed support for my attitude based on my appearance, saying that I "have a nice figure and body . . . nothing to obsess about." Not because they support the cause or fat acceptance or even health at every size. So it wasn't complimentary but offensive to me, and I couldn't find the words to explain why or to rebuff the "support" they gave.

I do what I can, but I can't or won't fight every battle I'm invited to. I'm only human at the end of the day.

My privilege means my problems are often small fries compared to the widespread bigotry and discrimination against other groups and my experiences are often dismissed. No one wants to hear about how much I hate flying or have trouble finding clothes that fit comfortably or well because I won't be harassed at the airport and because I can shop for clothing in my size in most stores, even if I'm short, busty, wide-hipped, and can't wear popular fashions.*

However; dismissing others’ travails as the insubstantial whining of a privileged class benefits no one and amounts to ragging on others makes yourself feel better.

I'm not the government, and I don't owe you anything. I'll moderate comments as arbitrarily as I please.

Provide an actual logical argument for why someone’s opinion is wrong or STFU.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Educate yourself about privilege. You will be a better person for it.

There will always be people invested in reaping unearned advantages from the seeds sowed by oppression. It’s much easier than actually trying to be a good person, cultivate talents, or do anything productive with their lives.

Let them think their ‘hard work’ spent chasing after thin privilege is the same as working hard to overcome prejudice, or raise a family, or pursue greater or higher knowledge, or survive in the face of challenges.

It’s easier to pant on a treadmill and think yourself better than someone else than actually do something that makes you a better person, friend, partner, or member of the community. -Arte to life on Thin privilege tumblr

I’m partial to the Everyday Feminism blog because their lists are the most easily accessible examples of the issues of privilege.

*Funny story, totally off topic. One time when I went shopping, I pulled a pair of ordinary enough maroon jeans from the rack to try on and realized too late that they were skinny jeans. I got them wedged onto my calves and got stuck. In a teeny tiny Korean dressing room. It was hilarious, except for the part where it happened to me. I eventually, awkwardly wiggled my way out, hung the pants back up, and left the store too frustrated to shop any more that day.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

I have a confession:I was a rabid pro-lifer in high school and wore the ABORTION IS MURDER t-shirt to school regularly. I attended the March for Life in DC* with my youth group twice.I am SO sorry, World.

Sometime in college it occurred to me through logical, empathetic thinking that unwanted pregnancy must be a very scary and difficult position to be in, and I couldn’t help but have the utmost respect for any woman who made a choice for herself and her life, whatever her choice was. That was a turning point for me, somehow suddenly recognizing the human—the woman—involved in the situation.I was skeptical about different aspects of the Church since** about middle school, but I had no support for those thoughts, and it took a long time to get to where I am today on my own.

There was no argument up to that point that could topple my
righteous fight for the unborn, for whom their faceless mothers should feel
compelled to give their lives at any cost because they had already had their
shot, already made their choice. I believed it all. I'd been raised Catholic, attended Sunday school every week, every year up through the eighth grade when I was confirmed, and then was an active member of the high school youth group.

I try not to dwell on the pain I perhaps caused and the misinformation I spread in the past because it would surely crush me. All I can do is learn more and say more, be informed and inform others, and hope that I will have a lifetime ahead of me to counteract my actions in the first 18 years.

*I have some beautiful pictures of the cathedral that I'll try to find and share.

**Or maybe younger. I know I asked my mom why girls couldn't be altar servers. My parish changed its policy after I was too old to serve.

Recommended reading: Here is a really well-written memoir about one woman's loss of faith in the pro-life movement because the movement is not interested in lowering the number of abortions or unwanted pregnancies. It's long but very informative with lots of good links throughout to support her assertions and statistics.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

A GREAT piece that's been making the rounds on Facebook this week. Excerpts:

A while ago, I penned a fairly angry response to something circulating on the internet – the 21 Habits of Happy People. It pissed me off beyond belief, that there was an inference that if you weren’t Happy, you simply weren’t doing the right things.

. . .

So, this Cult of Happy article just set me off. Just… anger. Rage. Depression is serious – debilitating, often dangerous, and it’s got an enormous stigma. It leaves people to fend for themselves.

. . .

My 21 Tips on Keeping Your Shit Together During Depression1)Know that you’re not alone. Know that we are a silent legion, who, every day face the solipsism and judgement of Happy People Who Think We Just Aren’t Trying.There are people who are depressed, people who have been depressed, and people who just haven’t been hit with it yet.

I also totally love Greta Christina's honest blogging about her depression and hope to see more writers doing this and lessening the stigmas around it.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The familiar statistics are that fully half of all marriages end in divorce, and closer to 60% in cities, (though it may have stabilized or be in decline with the economic slump—divorce is expensive), and there's no telling how many of that remaining half remain in unhappy marriages for their children or religion or fear or whatever other reasons people are averse to messy legal battles that still carry harsh social stigmas in many areas. And the statistics for cheating are pretty high, too, though certainly under-reported. The outlook for happily ever afters is pretty grim, but there is an alternative to perpetual singledom and almost guaranteed mutual annihilation.Ethical non-monogamy means stating and honoring relationship agreements about actions and feelings permitted with others outside the relationship. (And being honest with those others about being already in a relationship and being open about those agreements and how they will affect the other relationship.) In short: be open, be honest, and secure the consent of everyone involved.It may seem an alien concept, but consider the continuum in monogamous and monamorous (married and dating) relationships that permit or prohibit each partner to have close friendships or even casual friendships with people of the opposite sex or with exes; to casually or aggressively flirt; or to kiss or to dance with others. Some have agreements that permit hugging or hand-holding with others. Some have occasional threesomes; they may call themselves monogamous, but I like Dan Savage's word monogamish.There is no one way to do monogamy or monamory, and the same is true for non-monogamy and polyamory. We each have different relationship wants and needs. Our relationship styles may be said to fall along a continuum rather than being polar opposites.Neither monogamy nor non-monogamy is THE ONE BEST WAY™ for everyone. THE ONE BEST WAY™ is for everyone in any relationship to think about and discuss their wants, needs, and expectations. Cheating for one person may mean a partner having an intimate email exchange with another or it may be PiV intercourse; it may be flirting or having an affectionate friendship with another. Stating and honoring relationship agreements is necessary for ANY relationship to thrive. Polyamory for some is a no-holds-barred free-for-all, but others may only permit casual secondary relationships or for the couple to date other partners together.It doesn't come naturally. Communication takes practice. And introspection can be scary. But valuing and practicing the two will make you a better person, and you will have better relationships. I promise.

Mixed feelings:Merrell Down & Dirty 5K: too long stretches between obstacles, too few water stations, great volunteers (summer 2011)Electric Run 5K: GREAT course through Fair Park, good music, awesome decor. This is a night run, no obstacles. Problems: No fucking bag check. Not good for people taking the DART when the weather is cold. (January 2013)Thumbs down:Glow Run 5K: Traffic is only partially sometimes blocked off from race course, difficult to park/leave, no fucking bag check, TERRIBLE long lines for sign-in, periodic black light stations with DJs but not music + lights throughout whole course (November 2012)Patriot Games 5K: dangerous course with barbed wire lying around ground, too few volunteers, no one near questionable 25-30 foot wall climb, barbecue ignited huge grass fire during peak of Texas Is Burning season. Alcohol-free beer. (fall 2011)Firefly Run 5K: No separate waves, all runners and walkers released at once = clusterfuck of several thousand people, no one clearing the finish line so people stopped abruptly and trapped in crowd, can't get to water, danger of passing out. Course was changed from what was previously published so I sent my family to where they couldn't see the race. Traffic and parking is AWFUL. (Spring 2012)

Sunday, April 7, 2013

You might have considered taking up residence in a cave to escape the daily bombardment from TV shows and commercials, movies, magazine covers and ads, and ads on the most innocuous websites (news and even grammar blogs?) lecturing about what’s wrong with your body and appearance and clothes and shoes and diet and even the way you make love, and how to fix it all in 10 easy steps. Or at least I have.

Home isn’t safe either when families, too, are critical of bodies. Maybe not yours directly, but we’ve all heard them going on about their own weight and their diet, their weight loss, and moralizing about food and size, directly preaching the insidious and preposterous notion that thin = good and fat = bad.

The Church, with a romantic history as a supposed sanctuary from persecution, is one place you can be sure of God’s infinite love for all his children. Except for you, Obvious Gluttonous Sinner. We learn from a very early age that gluttony, overindulgence in food and drink characterized (and often caricatured) as slovenly obesity, is one of the 7 Deadly Sins. (I’m speaking from the experience of being raised Catholic, but the concepts may be familiar.)

Maybe your faith community didn’t focus on it so much, but the message was taught nonetheless and accepted as an understood and easy to follow truth. It starts as a small drop in the deluge of body negativity indoctrination and justifies those who believe that obesity is proof of gluttony, immorality, personal weakness, and failing in order to prop themselves up as righteous in their ability to control their own bodies.

There will always be people invested in reaping unearned advantages from the seeds sowed by oppression. It’s much easier than actually trying to be a good person, cultivate talents, or do anything productive with their lives.

Let them think their ‘hard work’ spent chasing after thin privilege is the same as working hard to overcome prejudice, or raise a family, or pursue greater or higher knowledge, or survive in the face of challenges.

It’s easier to pant on a treadmill and think yourself better than someone else than actually do something that makes you a better person, friend, partner, or member of the community. -Arte to life on Thin privilege tumblr

Supposedly Gluttony is wasteful and withholds from the poor. How can one’s eating habits affect his or her ability to donate money or canned goods to charity or volunteer at a food pantry or free cafeteria? This is a “sin” that doesn’t actually affect or hurt anyone else in the world at all (like most sins, really) and doesn’t matter unless you’re fat. That is to say, no one will question a thin person’s eating habits on the basis of looking at his or her body, although “everyone knows” that overeating leads to obesity is a myth. And that there’s a strong relationship between food insecurity and overweight. So it’s pretty far from charitable to use values (the 7 Deadly Sins) made up by a man in the 4th Century as the basis for concern trolling or shaming people of size.

On the one hand, food is a spiritual experience, bringing people together in celebration and worship in the sacrament of Communion, where one literally consumes the body and blood of Christ, who fed 4 or 5 thousand people by multiplying a few loaves of bread and fish for a hungry crowd and turned water to wine to celebrate a wedding. Food is a celebration of life and the gifts given by the Creator . . . but only to a point? How much can we eat and how much are we allowed to enjoy it without committing sin? The Church sanctions feast days and holidays celebrated by feasting until we feel we’re about to burst. But eating arbitrarily “too much” and gaining weight warrants Confession.

“Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating.” -Ellyn Satter

You need food to live, and your body, too. Your body is not a weak, traitorous lump of flesh divorced from the mind and designed to tempt you to evil. You are one being, you are whole, finely tuned over thousands of years to be the best human you can be.

And, frankly, spending a lifetime at war with yourself is no way live.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Friendship is not a failure, a punishment, or a consolation prize, so stop talking about it and treating it as such. Being disappointed that someone is not romantically or sexually interested in you is one thing, but expecting it in exchange for being nice or doing things for her makes you a terrible human being so please go die in a fire.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Surly Amy and other bloggers are more motivated than I to recap this event.

". . . here is Dr Richard Carrier’s talk called “Atheism… Plus What?” It’s an interesting and informative talk. He discusses the harassment that has been happening here and he talks about why we need to be cognizant of how the rest of the world views the atheist movement. It also explains how the Atheism Plus movement got started and why- and he touches on things we can do to make the Atheism community at large, bigger and better."

I just got a rejection letter from a company I applied to over 18 months ago.

Dear Moniqa, Thank you for considering Reebok International for your next career opportunity. We appreciate your interest in joining our team. We have reviewed your resume for the Assistant Store Manager position, but have determined there is not a match at this time. We will consider your background for future opportunities and would like to stay in contact with you. We hope that you remain interested in exploring opportunities within Reebok and the adidas Group. Thank you again for your time, Emily Castro Reebok *** This email was sent by PeopleAnswers on behalf of Reebok. Please do not reply to this email. ***

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

This article is a bit long but a very good insight. I consider it required humanist reading. If it offends you, dig deeper within yourself to examine the reasons why.

"When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me. I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about my personal safety."

Two years ago this week tens of thousands of Texas women lost access tobasic preventive health care when the legislature slashed familyplanning budget by two-thirds. Please protect women's health in thestate budget by supporting funding for lifesaving breast and cervicalcancer screenings, birth control, and other preventive health care--andensuring women have access to the full network of qualified providers,like Planned Parenthood. Family planning is good for women and good forthe state. In fact, every $1 spent on family planning saves thetaxpayers $4 and 73% of all voters believe Texas should fund familyplanning services. Family planning is extremely cost-effective,curbing rising health care costs and saving taxpayers money. Investingin family planning is the fiscally responsible decision to make.

If this reduced access to birth control continues to happen, it isexpected to cost Texas taxpayers up to an additional $273 million.

Health care providers in Texas are all deeply affected by budget cutsand unable to address the need for women's health care without PlannedParenthood. Planned Parenthood is a vital part of the Texas health carenetwork and a longtime partner in saving the state money.