Don’t Let The Shine Go! Relationships Are Just Like Shoes

A friend of mine once told me that relationships are like a pair of shoes; once you’ve gotten the perfect pair, you’ll hold on to it forever, even if it’s got a few dents and scratches. Generally after many months, maybe years, of being with one person, you tend to forget what brought you together. What made you save up all that money, and forget about all those other pairs of shoes that tried to get your attention, and buy this one. It’s a known fact by almost everyone who has ever been in a relationship that things get a bit stale after a while. She’s stopped going to the gym, he’s no longer on time; you both start to lose the ‘it’ factor. I call it the ‘it’ factor because it’s that one thing that made your better half pick you over all the other guys and girls in the first place. They didn’t just throw a pair of dice and select whoever tallied with the numeral that came up. You were a knowledgeable choice, chosen because of something. Some call it love, others call it compatibility, but there is a deciding factor that helps you determine if its love or not. You get yourself a girl/boy friend and all of a sudden you freely let go of the “va va voom” that made that gal or guy do a double-back and go ”wow”. You’re getting fat, naggy, sloppy, saggy, distant and too comfortable; and yes there such a thing as too comfortable in a relationship. Whether it’s the car he bought you or the fact that she cooks up a storm; there’s always something. Just like the pair of shoes, you need maintenance, upkeep, touch ups. A quick polish here and there to show you care and notice and to them you’ll look brand new (and show that you’ve still got it). If you’re the kind of man that buys flowers (pardon me, we’re in Nigeria) if you’re the kind of man to pay her BIS, why stop now? Although if that’s the reason why she’s with you, you might want to reconsider your relationship. If you always make him lunch every Wednesday and take it to his office, keep doing it till you go your separate ways or till you die (whichever comes first). I have an aunt who lost her husband two years ago; she still makes his favorite dish every Sunday. She might need some long overdue therapy, but you get my point. Whoever said that love is a battle field didn’t say so that Jordan sparks can make a hit song out of it. It’s a fact. You have to fight to keep your man/ woman from the claws of others…and believe me, there are people aiming for yours like a deer in hunting season. Your partner, no matter how much love there is remains a realistic being. If they don’t get what they’ve always needed from you, chances are they’ll go somewhere else to get it. Take a look at the rate of divorce in recent times; it could happen to you too. You have to pick up your game. Treat your man/ lady like you could lose them anytime; right now even. Now I never said anything about a tracking device or a private investigator, all I’m trying to pass across is you should love more than you loved yesterday, and the day before that.

RESULT: The same good old love (just bigger and better).

About Jennifer Obiuwevbi

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It depends, if the distance is Lagos-Abuja , u guys MUST see yourselves every 3 weeks..including public holidays, aside from that, phone calls…A lot of phone calls!!! Even if it’s to tell him nonsense or sumthin silly If the distance is Lagos-London…Skype, every 2 or 3 days!!….and a lot of phone calls…SMS..BBm…and most importantly make sure you are the first voice he hears in the morning and the last one he hears at night

What if, he’s annoying you. You’ve worked so hard, but the harder he tries, you don’t see it, cause you are now fed up. As far as you are concerned he’s just no good. You can’t stand him touching you or being near you. Is it the pregnancy hormones. I’m just fed up!

What,kind of article is this. I believe love and attention goes both ways. Why is there always an article of how women should treat their men. Ha. This relationship thing tire me sef. If as a woman you keep on giving, be it emotionally or physically, you will run out one day. Hereby, resenting your partner. I strongly believe it should go both ways. Writer said something like , I quote” people are looking to snatch your man” if they snatch him, it’s because he allowed himself to be snatched by the other person. Relationships are give and take, it’s a two way street. Both parties should make the effort and not just mainly the lady. It takes two to tango. Why don’t we all just relax and enjoy life, instead of looking for ways to keep someone from going. If he were yours, he will stay.PERIOD. And if not, he was never yours to begin with. When you start loving yourself more, you give off a good vibe and people will want to come to you, hence you meet an ideal mate. I am not saying girls should not try to do what you suggested but again it should be a two-way thing. Not one way and risk smelling like a desperado, guys can sense that ish 10 miles away. Just my $2.50cents.

Sola dear, relax. You know why 99% of the time, the advice, articles, comments are one sided is because it is part and parcel of our culture. Our culture believes that it is the woman that keeps the home, and it is the woman that keeps the man. We are not raised in a society that acknowledges shared responsibility in a relationship. Whether dating or married. Shikena. Unless you only want to date or marry oyinbo or someone foreign born and raised. If you don’t come to accept that, thats what you will find in most men in 9ja, my dear, you will pull your hair out. The woman is taught to believe that she is the home maker, sex partner, stroker of the man’s ego, be a good daughter in law, and all the long list of a married woman;s expectations. The man is raised to be the provider, and protector of his home, and of course, he is allowed to have a little on the side, if he so wishes. I argued with my mother over this a few weeks ago, I said it is not fair, the demands that are made on a woman. Her response was “joko sibe, ibe ni ko teba si, be expecting a 9ja man to do all that senren ren you girls watch on tv. It be like say you have spent too much time in the US, time to come back home”. My dear, that is our ways o. The average 9ja man on the street may have a BB, use FB, twitter Skype, travel. His mentality is still African. So, that is how it is.

Well. Mischa. LOL. Maybe its time for me to come back home, been in the US for YEARS. I guess you have a point. I have been in relationships where i did most of the giving and became emotionally bankrupt. The last one i was in, i let him go because of his cheating ways and as soon as i did that i became SO FREE & HAPPY. Omg, you can’t believe it. So i am just trying to save a lot of fellow ladies the stress of what i went through, no girl should go through that. It’s funny how society (especially naija society) put all the load of relationship maintenance on a woman. No wonder all the stress shows on a woman face making her age faster. I know child bearing makes women age fast but it;s not just child bearing. Carrying all the stress in the relationship OR marriage makes us look older than our husband or partner eventhough, they are years older than us. But, you definitely have a point, if we women don’t start making demands, putting our foot down and demanding that we be treated in a certain way. They will treat us any how because we ALLOW them too. It may take a while to find that guy but my pastor usually says, it will be worth the wait. Especially, if you are looking to spend a LIFETIME with that person.

@worn out mrs, you need to think long and hard to analyse your situation before making a decision, the last thing you need is regretting whatever you choose. @omowumi – i was in a long distance relationship for four years and trust me you just carry on as you would if you were in the same town. text each other randomly through out the day about what you’re up to, call each other, chat on skype/msn/Y!Msngr etc, know everything about what they’re involved. I was at uni at the time and my now ex (we broke up amicable and are still in touch) knew my time-table monday – friday and woke me up every morning. it’s all in the detail. little things make the most difference so try and be as involved as you can. all the best!

Regarding the article, i’m too happy with my single self right now tro change that status, relationships are a lot of work and whoever you’re with needs to be worth it. so at the end of the day, if you don’t see a future with the person why bother? Sha do your bit, little pressies here and there, good luck to all 🙂

Another thing this article FAILED to add is this. What the other party should do, when the shine begins to wear out. What i mean is, if you as the woman, is noticing that the man is withdrawing, don’t just start making 110% effort, because you know what, he won’t see it. It is your duty to talk to him about it, and remind him, that look o sweets, we are pulling away from each other, this isn’t how we started, something is going on. If you the man is also noticing that madam, doesn’t tintilate you like she used to before, let her know about it, before you take the easy way out and succumb to temptation. If you are in a true relationship, there should be no fear of not wanting to offend the other party, if your relationship or marriage is at stake. If she is gaining weight, and u liked her slim, please you are not being vain. Some men like slim, its their taste. Then let her know in a nice way. If housework is not letting her have time for herself, hire a maid if you can, or chip in more with the housework or childcare, so she can have time to go to the gym, or go exercise. If you liked him slim, and he is developing a potbelly, tell him about it, reduce his food intake, modify his diet, join a gym the both of you can go to together. Another example, if she used to be a huge influence in your business, now family life has stepped in and you miss brainstorming with your wife on financial matters. Don’t just sit at work and brood, or start discussing things with your female co-worker, bcos that’s where it starts, the other woman will start stimulating you intellectually, and before you know it, feelings enter, hey, that was probably how u fell in love with your madam. Bring your work home, remind her that you need her input, and you miss it, basically “force” her to be a part of it, let her know you can’t make this business decision without her. Do this often enough, and before you know it, you are re-connecting again. If the sex is becoming boring, by all means, let your spouse know about it. Don’t just appear one night in Ann Summers, and think the spark will automatically re-ignite. Remind him to make the effort to woo you again, tell her, that you want to be stimulated again, remind her when the sex was hot. Plan a romantic getaway and both of you make the effort to re-connect. The problem with a lot of couples is, when the shine begins to wear off, one of them doesn’t have the guts or the time, to pull the other person closer, and you guys drift apart. So, Penshy, in my opinion, you missed out this vital point. Don’t just work on yourself, when the shine is fading, remind the other party to, of his/her contribution to the relationship.

I beg to differ with some other people here by saying that I don’t believe this article is one sided. If you read the post in its entirety you’ll notice that the writer made references both males and females. That been said, I think this is an issue that everyone needs to be mindful of, especially married couples. It’s easy to let yourself go after 3 children and the husband too will start focusing on his work more and more. Before you know it, yourself and your husband or wife have drifted apart without even knowing it. I have to consistently teach my parents to spend more time together, because I’m not always gonna be at home. Imagine that initially, you will sleep together and cuddle. Now, you wake up in the morning and you have drooled all over, ther eis “la la” everywhere, that does not help! As a woman, you have to remain “chase-able” an as a man, you have to do you darnest to remain appealing. …..

The saddest part this days is the rate at which other married women flirt with other peoples husbands, they come in as family friends with the intention to get close to their supposed friends husband. Some women even have crushes for other people’s husband. It’s best to seek God for the right mind, study his word, confess it daily, work out your marriage and pray to God to make you love your spouse unconditionally. Be ready for sacrifices, for the marriage to work out is a daily job. There is a saying: A handsome guy and pretty chic will make a beautiful wedding, but only a faithful man and a prayerful wife will make a beautiful marriage. God first, everything follows.

hmm guys can be funny sometimes o. They chase you like tomorrow no dey when you become close they slow down fast. I know this is not a dear Aunty whatever blog but this guy I met recently was so serious and voiced out how he wanted to get married to me and all that. I have shut out guys for a while now but I just liked this guy and I was open enough with him, I really want this relationship to work but he seems to be withdrawing now because he makes advances at me and I keep resisting him. I feel like walking away but something in me keeps wanting to stick with him whenever I hear his voice. Being open with him doesnt mean I was dependent on him or telling him I cant do without him or cooking for him and washing for him. No i have never done any thing I know that can make a guy withdraw. In my own opinion, a lady should only give her all when she is married to a man o jaree.

Take a leap…yup. I was in one relationship whereby I follow simple rules like endurance, patience , sticking together, team work, shoe shine but the dude wasn’t…I don’t wish that borderline shameful and despererate position on anyone. Yes it is shameful and may seem desperate when you are the only one trying and the other person ant even trying.myou knows what that insinuates? It suggests you are making someone who thinks of you as an option a priority . Only smeone who sees you as a priority, should be your priority.

Hmmm……I have not read the article .but from the comments I have read Both men and women wear shoes thus everyone needs shinning!that said, Naija women we need to wake up and smell the fufu!if he knows he has to Do some “shoe shinning” from time to time from “hello”then am sure it won’t be an issue by the time u guys get to “1 do”#just saying!

erm… nice read (although, i think i might have read this b4 on BN)and i also agree with some comments. However, yes I have my opinion and i will share. I will like to add, I dont think its ideal to compare relationships with shoes…..although I get the concept behind it i.e. relationship sparkle, maintaining the love etc etc.. but we all know shoes cannot take care of us when we are sick, or weary or need a cuddle. We sometimes grow out of our fav shoes too, or its damaged etc… but again I get the concept of keep the shoes shinning.

My point is, the emotional attachment towards material things cant be measured against humans and its emotions. etc. Shoes are not jealous, or envious and some people in real life do not polish their shoes or take care of it but their relationships is pretty good, heck some people don’t even own favourite pairs but have fantastic relationships..lol.Again to illustrate my point. I get the logic behind the article.

Back to the purpose of the article. I dont agree with the examples of d the dude constantly buying BIS credit or the lady should keep making lunch… I almost felt like screaming but am at work.. YIKES.. I dont agree with anyone keeping a particular routine that has potential to improve.

Besides, there are instances where the dude might be broke and he doesn’t have money for credit, and why should the dude use his money to fund credit he doesn’t even use?? :p. On the same note, why should it be the idea of credit funding that attracted the lady to the dude in the 1st place?? The lady should be making lunch every Wednesday? to keep the fire blazing. I disagree, what if she is exhausted from standing and taking care of the children or working etc. What about the dude doing the cooking lol.. ermm in niaja u will wait the eba will jino… first. How about sharing the responsibilities and swapping the roles in small areas for a change/romantic gesture. i.e. hubby cook, wife buy credit.lol

Finally, there is no fast or hard rules or even idealgoies that can save a relationship. Its all about mindset and expectations. People need to understand that life is about give and take. Sometimes we go into relationships taking and keep taking no giving @all. Sometimes, our understanding on relationships is very shallow and unrealistic.

My advice: communicate with the potential, dont settle and be sure the person is worth all that, energy and resources cos at the end of the day, YOU CAME TO THIS WORLD ALONE, most likely going to be living ALONE. PRAY…. ITS IMPORTANT. THANK U.

It takes God to reveal and put things in order sometimes everything can be just okay and nothing changed but the two parties may be blind to see it. Let God be the centre and focus of the relationship …..he would take care of the blind spots