Joe Soucheray: New anti-bullying bill seems more like an anti-hurt feelings bill

Having read the anti-bullying bill now signed into law, I still don't know what bullying is. I mean, I don't know what will not be construed as bullying, so vague is the idea of objectivity in determining what might cause a child to experience distress.

In other words, it is all subjective, but it will require experts and a vast new bureaucracy, probably even having to have their own new building. The costs will be overwhelming and will continually expand to perhaps the future inevitability of the children having to live in the state's dormitories, the better to monitor their emotional growth, like a hot-house crop of vegetables.

The Safe and Supportive Minnesota Schools Act requires school districts to develop comprehensive bullying-prevention policies, react quickly to allegations (which are allowed to be anonymous) and focus on changing student behavior rather than punishment. It also requires schools to train staff about how to recognize and prevent bullying.

I wonder if there will be time to still have math classes.

The other day at a zoo in Switzerland, a bear cub was killed by its father. Because of the father's aggressive behavior toward his offspring, zookeepers decided to kill a second cub, because the father was bound to kill it. To save the beleaguered little bear further stress and pain, they would just prematurely put the cub out of its presumed misery. Says who? All the more reason why I don't like zoos. I would imagine the cub would have liked a chance to see if things might have worked out with dad.

Of course, I am over the top, but it is a cautionary tale nonetheless. What is it that the schools and the activists who pushed for this bill hope to accomplish? A life of such benign and arbitrarily assigned equality that all children will be inoculated against emotional wounding, real or perceived? Perceived bullying is in the bill.

"Nobody in this state or this nation should have to feel bad about themselves for being who they are," Gov. Mark Dayton said, with the ceremonial pen in his hand.

And then he signed the damn thing, sending us all into a new world of ... what? We all know bullying when we see it, and many of us have experienced it. You get shoved up against a locker by a bigger brute in passing. You are drummed out of the chess club because you keep making the wrong moves on the board. You are ridiculed because you can't finish the mile run in gym class. Those are age-old examples and have been taken care of in age-old fashion. A gym teacher intervenes. Or a brute who happens to be your buddy takes care of the brute who shoved you into the locker.

The elephant in the bill is the "who they are" part. It seems logical to deduce that the governor was referring to students struggling with gender identity. OK. Gay and lesbian kids should not be bullied any more than any other kid should not be bullied. But neither should special protections be built into the curriculum for a gay child any more than special protections should be provided for an angry child, or a child who incessantly sings or a child who walks down the hall on his hands. Kids are different; it's their differences that need to be lived with, not whitewashing their differences away by committee.

The other elephant in the bill is the "feel bad" part. It's feeling bad about yourself that the proponents of the bill are trying to eliminate through legislation. What frightening and dangerous waters they set sail upon. You can't legislate feelings any more than you can legislate against rain or the setting of the sun.

My heart aches for the kids, the gay kids, the straight kids, the kids with acne, the kids with last year's shirt, the kids with bad shoes, the kids who don't get a date for prom, the tall kids, the fat kids, the kids who can't run, the kids who don't get the joke, the kids who try too hard or don't try hard enough. You are all special because you are all different.

God help all of you in a safe and supportive school, for we don't for the life of us know what that means.