Abraham J. “Abe” Simpson II is the patriarch of the Simpson family, the father of Homer Simpson, Herbert Powell, and Abbie. He is also the grandfather of the Simpson children, Bart, Lisa, Maggie. Born in (presumably) 1923 Orville and Yuma Simpson. He was the fourth child of the Simpson family, arriving after Hubert, Tyrone, and Cyrus. He is the elder brother of Bill and Chet Simpson. As a child, Abe and his family moved from the “Old Country” to America, where they lived in the Statue of Liberty until they were kicked out for the amount of trash in the head. In 1941, when war was declared on America, Abe wasn’t keen on the idea of going into service, so he dressed up in drag and played for a woman’s baseball team. Later on, he and his unit (The Flying Hellfish), joined operation The Battle of the Bulge, and he nearly succeeded in assassinating Adolf Hitler, but private Montgomery Burns thwarted it at the last minute. Nearly a year later, Simpson and his unit invade an abandoned castle owned by Nazis and flush them out. Although he opposed the decision of Burns to take the priceless paintings, he ended up allowing Burns to do it, saying that he might have a nest-egg after retirement. Abe fathered an illegitimate daughter with a British woman the night before the D-Day operation in Normandy. Abe boasts that he was the watchman of Pearl Harbor, (stating that he fell asleep on duty), and got spanked by President Grover Cleveland on two non-consecutive occasions. In (presumably) 1952, while courting Mona, he meets a carnival prostitute and has sexual intercourse with her. When the carnival returned in 1953, Abe found that he fathered a child with the prostitute and they sent him to the Shelbyville Orphanage. In 1955, he married Mona Simpson and a year later in 1956, they gave birth to their son, Homer. Mona made Abe promise that he would never reveal his illegitimate son to him, to which he did, but he told him in 1991. In 1969, his wife Mona became a hippie and had to run away from home so she will not be arrested. Abe tells Homer that Mona died while he was at the movies. In 1983, he decided to sell his home that he won on a crooked 1950s game show to give his son, daughter-in-law, and grandson $15,000 for a down payment on a house at 742 Evergreen Terrace. Homer, grateful, allows Abe to live with him. Due to annoyance, Homer sends Abe off to the Springfield Retirement Castle. Abe is a resentful, depressed, and bitter individual who annoys everyone he visits. In 1991, he dates Beatrice “Bea” Simmons, whom he met at the Retirement Castle. Bea suddenly died of a burst ventricle and left Abe all of her money. Abe doesn’t like to spend the money on himself, since it doesn’t bring him any happiness. He decides to give it to the people that need help: the residents at the Springfield Retirement Castle. His best friend appears to be Jasper Beardley, a fellow Retirement Castle resident. Stating in “Homer the Great,” he is a communist, the leader of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance, and a Stonecutter. Even though he may be a communist, senile, old coot, Abe will always be remembered for being the senile grandfather of the whole USA. But remember:

I think this episode turned out well enough. I liked the premise of Lisa entering a beauty pageant, losing, and then getting the title by default after Amber Dempsey is struck by lightning. A hilarious moment in this episode is when Homer is telling Bart to tell Lisa that she is beautiful (after going to the salon), and he says that he will get a reward in return. Homer says it is extra dinner, and some stuff he’ll tell him about when he’s older. We assume that it is sexual intercourse, but Homer’s daydream suggests that he meant Marge mowing the lawn while he relaxes. As I have a crude sense of humor, I found that very funny and laughed my ass off when I watched this for the first time in 1993. I find it very peculiar that I laughed at it because I am an advocate feminist. Moving on from that debacle, I liked the reference to the unofficial inauguration of Lyndon B. Johnson on November 22nd, 1963, with Marge in a parody of Jacqueline Kennedy, wearing a pink suit and looking solemn. I never knew it referenced the Kennedy assassination until two years ago. Anyway, I hope you all watched this episode in 1992, because I did.

Homer: Look, Marge, you don’t know what it’s like. I’m the one out there everyday putting his ass on the line. And I’m not out of order. You’re out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! ‘Cause when you put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it’s Chinatown!