Friends, kiddos, teammates, countrymen: Remember my earlier post about "fear"? Well, I began this morning in fear, a fear that clanged like a bell against my guts and resonated through me in waves of panic. What if there are complications? What if a blood clot? What if an embolism? What if it’s weirder in there than the doctor imagines it will be and things go awry and what if, what if, what if… I die. I am terrified of dying. I am so terrified of dying that I assume everyone is as terrified as I am of dying but I’ve learned that this is not exactly the case. Some people don’t seem as scared of it as I am.

When I was younger, I had panic attacks. They started when I was eight or nine but by the time I was 17, they were mostly brought on by birth control pills. When I was on the pill, I got to the point where I had them daily. Even after I got off the pill because a doctor told me that’s what was causing the panic, I still had them – only much less frequently. They were always debilitating. The only way I could calm down was to lie down quietly in a dark and quiet room where outside stimulus didn’t whip my panic into a frenzy – even then, they would pass through me like a freight train. During each of these panic attacks, I convinced myself I was dying. I always knew exactly where this panic came from but where they come from doesn’t matter when you’re in the throes of them. These panic attacks drove my first husband insane. They made me needy and pathetic and whiny and they were all “in my mind” so he had no reason to believe I didn’t have complete control over them. I never could make him understand that I had no control over them. Ironically, when I listened to the gut that had been telling me to leave him for at least three years, I stopped having panic attacks almost completely. I went from having at least one per month and sometimes per week, to having maybe one or two each year. And for a brief period of time, I was not afraid to die. After I left my first husband, I became fearless for a short time. This is interesting because in our relationship I was the big scaredy cat. I was scared to fly. I was scared to drive in the mountains. I was even scared of the dark. I remember distinctly thinking, as I took my first plane ride without my first husband, I’m not scared anymore. If I die, so what, I die. People die every single day. It was a gloriously fun and reckless time in this way. When I met my current husband, he admitted to having horrific panic attacks from time to time. But I still didn’t’ trust that he would understand mine until the first night I felt one coming on when we were together. I hadn’t had a panic attack in so long I wasn’t even sure that’s what was happening. We were lying in bed and I told him I thought I was beginning to have a panic attack. He was not the slightest bit ruffled. He calmly told me not to get up, to close my eyes and then he asked me a simple question. Where do you feel the most calm? Think of a place, he said, where you always feel calm, like everything is okay in the world. My mind immediately went to the swimming pool at New Mexico State University. It had only been a few months since I had graduated from there with my Master’s degree. I swam in that outdoor pool regularly. I especially liked doing backstroke and watching the birds flit back and forth between the flag-lines. This is where my mind went as my new boyfriend lay quietly next to me telling me that I was okay and that I was going to be okay, that I knew what this was and I knew how to ride it out. Stay in that same happy place, he said, until it passes. And it did. As I’m writing about this, I know absolutely why I panicked in that moment. Falling in love again meant I no longer didn’t care if I died. I was attaching myself to someone again. The fear of that attachment being lost or changing or being damaged in anyway was already a little overwhelming. I knew I wasn’t ready – and I really wasn’t. But, we proceeded to fall in love anyway and very shortly after we met, I was pregnant with our first child. This is another plane ride I remember well. I flew back home to Michigan, from Reno, NV (where I was working at my first official, salaried teaching gig at University of Nevada, Reno) all by myself for Thanksgiving. Tim and I had known for about a month that I was pregnant. I told him I had to make this trip alone because it was the last time I would ever get to be with my family by myself – from then on, it would always be me and this kid and… if we were lucky, it would be all three of us. On the plane, I remember thinking about my last trip to Thanksgiving with my ex-husband. It was an awful trip because we had already broken up but we were pretending to still be together so we didn’t ruin everyone’s Thanksgiving. He held my hand when the plane took off (I know it’s a stupid Sinead O’Connor song but he really really did it) like he always did and I thought, I don’t need you to do that anymore. I might have even said that out loud. I wasn’t scared to fly anymore. But, then, suddenly on this last trip alone back home to Thanksgiving, with a baby growing like a flame inside of me, I was terrified again. I can’t die, I thought. Now, I can’t die because I have a baby. And my fear of death was thus reborn. And I make it through most of my days not fearing death. But at the end of most days, when I’m lying in bed with Lucy (my second child), singing her to sleep and watching her eyes close and feeling her hands loosen on me, the gong rings in my ears again. Death sucks, it says. Someday death will take us from each other, it says. And I can usually hold off the actual panic but the crushing pain of that realization is often breathtaking. I have attempted a few times in the past year to chronicle my “journey to wellness.” So far, it’s a long boring story that basically begins at birth. I have gone through many stages on my road to wellness. This most recent stage feels definitive. For the first time in my life, these past two or three years, I am finally putting what I have known about nutrition and eating for a long time, into actual practice. My main motivation for staying healthy is to not die young. But there are no guarantees. Being fit and healthy is only one factor in many that help us get to a ripe old age. This is THE factor that’s in our control – everything else is a crapshoot. The truth is, I actually probably have more of a chance of dying in a car accident on my way to or from work – which I do every day – than dying from this surgery. Why, though, does that fact not bring me any comfort at all? One of my coaches sent me a great email about fear this past week: “running from a fear is more harmful than facing it. Panic comes in waves, and those waves never lose their size if we don't push right through them. The idea is that, when we begin to feel panic about one particular thing, we should allow that panic to run its course. Let it scare the shit out of us. Let it overwhelm us. It will not kill us, and it will fade faster that way. That doesn't mean the fear won't return, but the next wave won't be as overwhelming. And the wave after that will be even less intimidating. Eventually, if you haven't rid yourself of the fear entirely, you will at least be a seasoned surfer. Not facing the fear, on the other hand, allows the anxiety to follow you and hurts your health more than facing it would. You end up multiplying the fear because now you not only have the fear ... you have a fear of the fear. And you end up mythologizing those waves when, really, they're just finite fits of chemical turbulence in our brain.” This is why "Fear is a Liar." So, I’m not sure if what I’m doing is facing the fear or not but it sort of feels like it. If I’m saying it out loud, if I’m writing it down for the whole world to see, is that facing it? I hope so. I am definitely letting it scare the shit out of me. I guess I just want to make it clear to the Universe – since, the Universe is in charge of how things go – that I’d like to live to be a very old lady. I walked by a very old lady today raking the thatch from her yard today and I thought, “what a badass!” When I’m that old, I want to be out raking the thatch from my yard too – except I’ll be wearing really cute yoga pants. I also feel it’s very important to note that in case the very worst thing possible happens during or after this surgery, I want my talented friends Michelle Westkamper and Rebecca Dopart – who do not even know each other – to play and sing “For Good” from Wicked at my funeral. I imagine Rebecca playing the piano and singing Glinda’s part and Michelle singing Elphaba’s part. Since Michelle and Rebecca don’t know each other, they’ll have to plan to visit Michigan for at least a few days before the funeral. My other friends wouldn’t want them to be lonely so everyone will come and it will turn into a gigantic party and, unlike my brother who didn’t want anyone to cry, I want to be clear that I am perfectly comfortable with y’all sobbing uncontrollably from time to time and in between that, soft whimpering cries will do. For god sakes, let there be plenty of chocolate. And dance your asses off! So, there, I’ve said that – to me, that feels a bit like facing my fear. Considering what I want the world to look like for a few days after I’m gone. But, I’m not going anywhere. Not yet. What I’m doing is having this surgery which will enable me to continue to lead a healthy, active lifestyle so that in ten years, I can do an ironman so that my level of fitness will carry me through to the years it takes to get me to the point where I’m a fabulous super old little lady raking thatch in my front yard in super cute yoga pants. The waves of fear about this surgery are going to continue to come. And I’m going to get very good at riding them. Bring it, Universe! I’m afraid but I’m still very much here and as long as I’m here, I’m surfing. Fly, rake and keep on surfin’ with love! namaste

Blissed out, post-shavasana this morning around 5:30am. I have heard from several people in the past few years how much I look like my mother. This is the very first time I really see it. How strange when your own face reminds you of someone you love and miss so much.

This morning, I woke up at 4am, got dressed, brushed my teeth, put water on for tea, spread my (giant green circular) yoga mat over my kitchen floor, poured a cup of tea, turned on some music and started my yoga practice. When I was done with my yoga practice, I meditated. After I meditated, I drank my (cold) tea. Now --- aaaaaaaah – I’m writing. If I were disciplined and consistent, this is exactly how every single morning for the rest of my life would go. But I’m not either of those things. And for the majority of my life I have shamed myself for that fact. I want to say because I’m 40, this is never going to change but I firmly believe that change is possible at any age so that’s silly. The fact is, I don’t really enjoy discipline or consistency. I prefer flexibility and spontaneity. It’s taken me a great deal of time to realize and accept that flexibility and spontaneity are every bit as valuable as discipline and consistency. This realization and acceptance has been monumental in my acceptance of self. People who value discipline and consistency over flexibility and spontaneity eventually reach a point where they don’t like me much – if even only in a particular moment. And it used to be very easy for people to make me feel bad about myself so their rigidity and judgment of me used to crush my spirit and flood me with self-doubt and shame. Nope. No thank you. Not anymore.

I listened to "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson on repeat for all of my standing poses this morning..."all we can do is keep breathing"...

I am actually proud of my flexibility and spontaneity now. Without these qualities, I wouldn’t be able to do half of the things I do on a daily basis. I certainly wouldn’t be able to mother my two children whose personalities are so different it’s as if they are both aliens from two completely different planets. I wouldn’t be able to respond with compassion and true interest and be completely engaged in the many “teachable moments” that crop up in my classroom every day. I wouldn’t drop everything I’m doing for a friend or a family member who needs me, whether it’s to just talk on the phone or to hop on a plane and get to them as quickly as I can. And more constantly that anything else, if I were not flexible and spontaneous, I would not have my writing. As a full-time Professor, a mother to two children and a partnered person, if I did not respond flexibly and spontaneously to my urges to write, no writing would ever be done.

Still, it’s not as if I possess absolutely NO discipline and NO consistency. I am not a particularly disciplined person though it has taken some discipline to achieve the many things that I have. I am not a particularly consistent person though it has required some consistency to get where I am today. But I’m not one of those people you can say “always” does this or “always” does that. And though for the most part, I can stick to a schedule and a plan, if I feel like chuckin’ that plan for the day because a friend invites me to do something else or because my daughter wants me to snuggle in bed for three more hours in the morning, well, as I’ve said before: life is painfully short. Fun and love win out over discipline and consistency any day.

And yet, there is fun and there is love in discipline and consistency. Well…at least love. It would be loving towards myself to give myself my yoga practice and tea and meditation every single morning. I also believe that the practices of yoga and meditation are not just gifts to ourselves but also to everyone around us and to the universe. When we practice yoga and/or meditation, we are able to calm our own minds and become more rational, healthier people. When we do this, we are helping to produce better, calmer, more rational, healthier relationships and therefore doing our part to create peace in the world. So, this type of discipline contains an enormous amount of love, in fact.

And…as I think about it… though it is important to respond with flexibility and spontenaity to my writing urges, it is the discipline and consistency of carving out time every single day to simply do the writing that helps me make true progress.

The truth is, though I have come to understand and treasure these qualities that very much make me me – I guess I have always wanted to be able to cultivate more discipline and consistency in my life.

This whole Team QueenPrincess endeavor is helping me do just that. I have known for years – seriously, YEARS – that I need to practice yoga, meditate, eat healthy, write and exercise moderately-vigorously most days in order to be a sane, productive person. For years, I have listened to a culture that tells me, “That’s crazy! You can’t have all of those things! When will you work? When will you sleep?” But if I don’t give myself all of these things, my work sucks and I can’t sleep.

When I finally accepted a few weeks ago that I really did have to have this upcoming surgery, I realized I needed some tools to mentally and physically prepare myself for it. Then, it quickly dawned on me that I already have all of those tools. I knew what I needed to cultivate happiness and health in my life because I’ve essentially been studying this for the past fourteen years. The trick is, I needed to APPLY all of these tools. My flexibility allowed me to accept the fact of the surgery. Now, I have to cultivate discipline and consistency.

Everyone on Team QueenPrincess is helping me do this. I feel beholden to you to do the happy practices – especially to my teammates who are doing the happy practices with me! I feel responsible for responding to your messages and posts because they are often so personal and so important and so… such a…a, gift. I have to exercise and meditate and consciously be kind and write every day for this project – for the first few days, I was moving through the project on solid Dragon energy (see earlier post about my totems to fully understand this) -- that is, my spontaneity and flexibility and pure zest for life was practically pulling me along. But, Dragon often does not realize that sleep needs to be had or else Dragon will crash – and frequently does. So, last night, Bear gently took the phone and the computer out of Dragon’s scaly little hands and looked him right in the eye and said, “Dragon, if you don’t sleep, I’m going to eat you.”

Then, this morning, when Wolf’s beady little eyes blinked open at 3:55am and Bear was saying, “aaaw shucks, I only got SEVEN hours of sleep. I need at least three or four more!” Dragon roared “his terrible roar” and said, “get your ass out of bed” then Mermaid was like, “Yes, it’s time to do Yoga and Meditate. I need to streeeeeetch out.” Then Wolf prowled around the house preparing while Mermaid combed her hair, Dragon did jumping jacks and Bear rubbed his eyes. Then, we all settled in together and started with sun salutations…

...and Petit Poulet by Sinead O'Connor on repeat for all of my seated postures..."there isn't any answer to the question. You only learn to live with it."...

This is to say, I am realizing today that I will not get through the next 21 days without discipline and consistency. But, I have to keep reminding myself that this discipline and consistency will give me clarity and calm and will help me cultivate the happiness advantage and community I need to face this surgery and my recovery triumphantly.

"women who get into partnership with their bodies end up becoming the fullest expression of themselves and living as leaders and change-agents in their lives and communities" –Alisa Vitti

The quote above was taken from a TED talk one of my cheerleaders sent me. Though it seems counterintuitive, I feel like making the decision to have this surgery is getting "into partnership with" my body. One of my coaches told me that Friday is my birthday and I should act accordingly and urged me to commemorate this 24 days with a soundtrack of my own making. So, wow, this is turning out to not only be inspirational but fun! Another coach shared her story of going through the same surgical procedure that I am facing. NOTHING is more helpful and reassuring than knowing other people have gone through and survived what you've gone through. A new cheerleader told her story of battling uterine cancer – surgery, chemo, radiation, the whole nine. An amazing woman that I'm just having the pleasure of meeting and getting to know, in some ways, because of THIS project! A cheerleader reminded me that the weather is gorgeous right now in Michigan. Never a topic to be forgotten or taken lightly. A teammate reminded me that just stopping to talk to your neighbors without worrying about the time is expressing kindness -- to everyone involved! A fan and I reconnected after years of working together without giving ourselves time to be the friends that we so naturally are. Several members of Team QueenPrincess shared MoJo’s Kitchen on their own facebook pages which makes me feel… I don’t know… like I’m finally doing something right? Or like they love me too much to tell me I'm really not. haha! Some teammates only exercised today because they knew they had to post about it! Word. One teammate decided it was time to stop body-shaming herself. Amen! & Hallelujah! To THAT! One teammate took time to tell her daughter how smart and beautiful she is. And I bet she's strong as hell too, considering her strong mother! One teammate gave himself permission to suck while he was writing today. That’s the ultimate gift for a writer!

You wouldn’t believe all the Mojo that’s flying around MoJo’s Kitchen these days! Keep. It. Coming. It’ll all come right back at you when you need it most. Go Team QueenPrincess! Giving Mojo freely, with loveNamaste

The following campaign is modeled after a Kickstarter campaign (google it if you still don't know...) but instead of asking for your money, I'm asking for your MoJo. Now, I've piqued your curiosity and you simply must know. Am I right? right? Huh??

What's a QueenPrincess?: QueenPrincessGypsyMoJo is my Facebook site for all things MoJo's Kitchen. I am the QueenPrincess. Project: Team QueenPrincess is an experiment in health and healing. To prepare for the major surgery that will take place on June 25th, I am attempting to create a “happiness advantage” in my life over the next 24 days that will help me prepare both my body and mind for the surgery itself and for post-surgery recovery. The goal of Project: Team QueenPrincess is to build the support network/ community to make this attempt to create a happiness advantage in my life actually work. To build this community, I need your involvement. There are five different levels of involvement and each comes with its own rewards. Please see below for details. The author of The Happiness Advantage and Positive Psychologist, Shawn Achor, tells us that creating a happiness advantage in our lives can increase our effectiveness and productivity in almost any endeavor. I believe that surgery is no exception to this rule. I am going to go into this surgery so hopped up on dopamine and full of crazy happiness that my body will recover as if it were filled with the light of the sun. Right? Right. I have adapted Achor’s suggested list of ways to create a happiness advantage into “The Happy Practices” below, incorporating suggestions from both his book and his TED talk.

The currency I am seeking: Mojo. What is it? How will I use it?: Instead of money (as in a kickstarter campaign), I am asking for your Mojo. Your Mojo is that je ne sais quoi quality that separates you from every other person on the planet. It is your magic. It is your soul-essence. It is your fire. It is the unique configuration of your DNA. However you want to conceive of it, your Mojo is that part of you that burns when you desire something, that droops and sometimes even drops out completely when you are hurting, and that drifts sweetly afloat among the clouds when you are falling in love.

It occurs to me as I’m writing this that Mojo is a far more valuable commodity than money. Yet, we give it away all the time. We spend it as unwisely as we do money sometimes. We give it then have it thrown back in our faces sometimes. And sometimes, we give it and change the shape of someone’s life or grieving or dreams. We give away our Mojo all day long in many different ways. I am asking you to consider spending a little bit of your Mojo on Team QueenPrincess over the next 24 days. Team QueenPrincess will use whatever Mojo you choose to give to create a happiness advantage for the QueenPrincess (a.k.a., JodiAnn Stevenson, a.k.a., me). This happiness advantage will carry me through the scary anticipation of the next 24 days, help strengthen my physical body to create a favorable outcome in both my surgery and my recovery, and keep my spirits up post-surgery.

The Happy Practices –these are the practices I will be completing each day. You will only be asked to engage in some of these practices, if you choose the role of Teammate.

One Good Thing: I will post a quick explanation of one positive experience I have had in the last 24 hours. 3 Gratitudes: I will post a list of three things I am grateful for.Exercise: I will move my body at least 30 minutes then post details. Meditation: I will meditate for at least 10 minutes then post a brief reflection on how it went. Intentional Kindness for Others: I will intentionally commit an act of kindness for someone else then post about it (probably not telling what I did so much as how it felt to commit the act). Intentional Kindness for Self: I will intentionally commit an act of kindness for myself then post about it. Looking Forward: I will post a brief explanation of something I am looking forward to in the next 24 hours.

Team QueenPrincess Rolebook & Rewards -- choose your role according to how much time and energy you want to give to Team QueenPrincess. How much time and energy you want to give to Team QueenPrincess will probably depend on many factors, including: how much you believe in the cause; how much you want to get back from your involvement; what your special talents are, and how intrigued you are by this whole bizarre project. Booster – you give 1-5% of your Mojo. Your name is on the list of people who support Team QueenPrincess but, aside from that declaration of support, there are no rules regulating your involvement. Once you’ve declared your support, give or don’t give your Mojo, as you wish. Booster Reward: I will give my boosters regular updates and shout-outs on the QueenPrincess facebook site, once each week. I will also send you a real-life Team QueenPrincess booster badge in the real mail, for real. Fan – you give 6-10% of your Mojo. Your name is on the list of people who support Team QueenPrincess and at least once each week, you need to send QueenPrincess a fan message expressing your support.

Fan Reward: I will give my fans regular updates and shout-outs on the QueenPrincess facebook site as well as sending you or posting to your facebook an ego-boosting meme of love each week. I will also send you a real-life Team QueenPrincess fan badge in the real mail, for real. Cheerleader – you give 11-25% of your Mojo. Your name is on the list of people who support Team QueenPrincess and at least 5 times each week, you need to post a message of encouragement to the QueenPrincess facebook page. Cheerleader Reward: I will post back ego-boosting encouragement and love to you, at least three times each week. I will also send you a real-life Team QueenPrincess cheerleader badge and a cute set of pom-pons in the real mail, for real. Coach – you give 26-50% of your Mojo. Your name is on the list of people who support Team QueenPrincess and at least once everyday, you need to send QueenPrincess a message of advice.

Coach Reward: I will give my coaches regular updates and shout-outs every single day. I will blog every single day about how I can integrate their advice into my life. I will also send you a real-life Team QueenPrincess coach badge and a loud, bossy coach whistle in the real mail, for real. Teammate – you give 51-100% of your Mojo. Your name is on the list of people who support Team QueenPrincess and you actively engage in at least three happy practices each day then post about your happy practices on the QueenPrincess facebook page.

Teammate Reward: I will be a coach on your team! Send me an explanation of your current big challenge – or post it on the QueenPrincess facebook page if you aren’t shy about sharing it with everyone. I will fulfill the role of “coach,” as outlined above, for you by sending you a message of advice (or posting it on your facebook page) each day. I will also send you a real-life Team QueenPrincess teammate badge and a Team QueenPrincess t-shirt in the real mail, for real. To sign-up for Team QueenPrincess, please do ONE of the following things: 1) Send a personal message to my inbox on either my personal facebook account or on the QueenPrincessGypsyMoJo facebook page or… 2) send me an email at jodianns777@gmail.com Your sign-up message should include the following: 1) your name (doesn’t have to be real or even a full name) 2) your level of involvement (or “role”) 3) your mailing address (unless you want to forgo your awesome gifts)4) a quick explanation of whether you will be connecting to Team QueenPrincess via facebook, the MoJo’s Kitchen blog, or email.

5) if you are a te﻿ammate, what's your current big challenge/ something you want to work on over the next 24 days?

Besides the Silly (I mean, er... awesome) Rewards, What's in it for you?

﻿﻿Did you know that helping others allows you to feel a part of something larger than yourself and when you feel that you are a part of something larger than yourself, you increase the happiness hormones in your brain which turn on all the learning centers in your brain -- increasing your effectiveness in all areas of your life? So, that's the first thing.

The second thing is by helping me create a community of support for this one surgery, you are also creating a community of support for yourself. Who knows how long this community of support might last or who you'll meet along the way. ﻿

Creating a happiness advantage is something all of us can benefit from doing. And, even if you only involve yourself at the level of "Booster" -- just tossing your support out there into the universe, creates a sense of having done something meaningful in you which will lead to at least a little temporary bliss. The more involved you get, the larger the happiness advantage.

Thanks for taking the time to read! And thank your for considering lending your involvement to this project. At the very least, you will truly help make my surgery and recovery better. At the most, we might start something positively contagious here. Instead of running campaigns for trying to get people's money, everyone will be sharing each other's Mojo! Let's see what happens!

In the meantime,cook, eat, run, walk, bike, down dog, swim, dance, and whatever else you do to make it happen WITH LOVE!

The summer after my father died, my siblings and I held an estate sale to get rid of all of the things he and my mother had accumulated through the years. If you've never done this, you might be surprised to hear how emotionally charged this kind of thing is. It is just the strangest tug on your heart & belly when some stranger picks up some little knick-knack-- one you've always thought was hideous even -- and judges it, deciding whether they will take it or not. There were at least two situations where I would not take someone's offer because I couldn't let the stranger in question have the item. For example, one woman wanted to buy all of my mother's teddy bears for her dogs to play with and destroy! I just couldn't allow it. There were many items I decided I must have, they were too full of memory or some other kind of sweetness that I couldn't quite name. I kept so many bizarre items. My father's work boots. My mother's Saint Francis statue. I just couldn't part with these things yet.

Most important of all to me were my mother's cookbooks and folders full of clipped recipes. In fact, these became the birth of MoJo's Kitchen. My original idea was to gather all of the recipes into a book then blog my way through that book, making each recipe one by one. This plan never materialized because MoJo's Kitchen became something other than a "cooking blog." There were other more important matters to tend to for a while there. But today I got it into my head that I would fulfill this original plan so I began on page one. Shrimp with Chesapeake dipping sauce & crispy scallops with chipotle tartar sauce.

Gathering the ingredients for this tapas-style menu was fun. I discovered a super cool fish market in Saginaw that sells just about anything that lives in water. No kidding. I saw "turtle" on the fresh catch board!. I finally went inside Mercato di O&V -- a little oil & vinegar shop downtown midland-- and discovered their fun assortment of delicious salts. One was "bonfire-smoked" flavor. Yummy! And I went to a whole new grocery store in Auburn while my daughter was at her tumbling class.

I threw these dishes together in between carting Lucy to tumbling, driving Estlin to swimming, and watching a friend's son after school for an hour or so. They were crazy easy -- even with some of the tweaks I made. The shrimp, for example, turned out to be the wrong size for dipping (They look bigger before they're cooked) so instead I came up with a kind of shrimp & Parmesan bruschetta-type-thingy.

And though these little toasts look like they'd be tasty, I have to admit that these recipes were a failure. Essentially both of the recipes hinge on tartar sauce and/or mayonnaise. The shrimp sauce was basically a creamy cocktail sauce, loaded with horseradish. The sauce for the scallops was just tartar sauce spiced up with chipotle salsa, for the most part. And, friends, I'm not a big mayo-or-tartar-sauce-eating kind of gal anymore. I don't know that anyone really likes these nasty fat-laden sauces with food as light and simple as shrimp & scallops. If I had to think of a hundred ways to prepare & eat shrimp & scallops, these ways would be last on the list.

Still...my mother kept these recipes. There must be something special or even magical about them, right? Hhmmmm...not necessarily. This whole endeavor got me thinking. Maybe my mother's clipped recipes aren't all that special. Maybe the fact that one day while out at the grocery store she grabbed two recipes from the seafood counter that looked mildly yummy isn't all that earth-shatteringly important. Maybe like my father's work boots and broken, old boom box, I don't really need to keep these recipes around or honor & cherish them as much as I have these past two years. Looking around my kitchen, my office, my room, I certainly have a fair amount of things that certainly are not sacred to me in any way. Our lives are filled with that kind of junk. It's only when we die that the people we leave behind imbue our junk with all kinds of precious meaning.

Above all of this, most of the recipes my mother clipped were not healthy. In fact, what I have gathered in this notebook were the healthiest ones of the bunch. I specifically did not keep ridiculously high fat or high calorie recipes. But...these first recipes prove, I didn't weed out enough. My mother's eating habits were the absolute model of the typical American diet -- high fat, high calorie, processed, processed, processed. Many of these recipes were clipped from those homemaker magazines that are always promising dinner in less than 5 minutes. Many of these 5 minute dinners rely on heavy doses of processed ingredients. Today's recipes are no exception.

Despite discovering a couple of great local places and meeting one very cool store owner (Mercato), it occurs to me that this plan to make all of the recipes my mother clipped but didn't necessarily have the chance to make (at least not for me) really threw my day out of balance. Instead of focusing on what I could do to be healthier, instead of creating a balanced dinner with plenty of vegetables and good, whole grains, I spent most of my day making junk food. Instead of using the cooking skills my mother taught me for good, I allowed myself to be sucked into the unhealthy choices my mother made in her diet that eventually contributed to her untimely demise. That's not what MoJo's Kitchen is all about. I mean, I know this place is often a jumbled mess but I at least know that much. Health is central. Health is key.

So...I am once again, plan-less with no structure to pull this blog along in a direction that makes any real sense. But, I've recently been told many times that the way through grief is unpredictable and often winding. It's only recently occurred to me that I am still very much grieving my mother. Of course, part of me will always be grieving my mother. Always. But...since my mother's death, so many things have happened to distract me from the process of mourning her loss. My sister-in-law died just two weeks after my mother, leaving a much larger part of my brain and heart concerned about my nieces and nephew than my own grief. My husband and I decided to split up then decided to not split up then he left then we got back together then we moved three times. In the meantime, my father died. Then this past summer happened and I am still very much reeling from that. In short, there has not been time to mourn my mother properly. I thought that perhaps making one of her clipped recipes every day would help me hold to that process more firmly. Now I realize that project may just be another way to distract myself from the mourning process--again.

On the other hand, we had fun today in MoJo's Kitchen, Mo & I. We listened to "Having A Party" and "That's Where It's At" by Sam Cooke and "Looking for a Boy" by Ella Fitzgerald and "Just My Soul Responding" by Smokey Robinson and then, of course, "Someday, We'll be Together" by The Supremes. We enjoyed our little drive to Saginaw (we LOVE to drive!) and the feeling that we were on a secret mission. So, even though the food wasn't good, the company was.

Tomorrow, MoJo's Kitchen will refrain from using mayonnaise in any way. In this way, we will repent for tonight's tartar sauce orgy.