like losing the vietnam war twice

World’s Most Unfortunate Young Woman Joins Palin Family

In Alaska, tragedy has struck: Sarah Palin’s son Track (who is a person, not a Hot Wheels play set), married a young woman, officially making her a Palin and a part of the Arctic’s largest grifting operation. Around the world, people now grieve for her, as this is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to a person. Will she be forced to talk about how much she loves guns and, paradoxically, “life” on a reality teevee show? Will she be forced to get a new chin? Probably. Osama bin Laden’s widows had this to say in a joint statement: “As much as we wish death upon the United States, we stand together with and pray for the grieving people of America, who have lost an innocent woman to the Palin family at a tragic young age. May God be with you in your hour of need before He smites you.”

“Our families couldn’t be happier!” the Hansons and Palins tell PEOPLE in a joint statement. “These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together. We’re tickled that after two decades of friendship we proudly witnessed their marriage, knowing their new life together will be blessed.”

YOU MONSTERS. LET HER GO! Nobody should be subjected to such inhuman torture!

The couple will have a larger wedding celebration this winter at Alaska’s Alyeska Ski Resort “when extended family and friends from the Lower 48 can travel north for a long ski weekend,” says the statement from Sarah and Todd Palin and the Rev. Duane and Elizabeth Hanson.

Oh, winter, when Alaska is at its most frigid and the Sun appears in the sky for approximately three minutes a day! Yes, that sounds like a romantic and fun vacation destination. They can just put on skis to pretend they are not in an utterly depressing wasteland filled with idiots. [People]

We know that Silly Sarah named Trig after his chromosomal abnormality, but saying so is a terrible, terrible thing that will cause an indignant outcry (although doing so in the first place is apparently somehow OK). See also my other comment about how accurate observations produce screeching hysteria from Lou Sarah and her minions.

ganmerlad

Trig has to stand for 'Todd's Rig'. Probably happened from a nooner in the supply closet while she was visiting him in the oil field. Although, come to think of it, if it happened in the summer when he does his fishing job, it may stand for 'Trawler rigging'. (though then they would have just named him Trawl).

OneDollarJuana

"Trig" is an old euphemism for men's underwear. I used to see it in 1950' New Yorker magazines.

Nothingisamiss

Interesting, but I don't recall New Yorker being one of her favorite magazines when Katie asked the question.

DahBoner

Trigger was Roy Rodger's horse's name, the original, known on movie sets as "the Old Man".

So, it could just be some random "Old Man" who screwed her in a Wasilla Meth house.

Also, the original Trigger was born in 1934 on a ranch in San Diego.

So, it could also have happened just across the border in TJ at a "Donkey show".

By the way, the San Diego ranch was partly owned by Bing Crosby.

So, it could have been Bing Crosby's corpse, also to…

babyeinstein

Sarah's never been in a math class, but Bristol has. BUM BUM.

CapeClod

"Laundry Room"

chicken_thief

For that, they'd have to consult with Levi.

Gomez571

The claim is that Track was named for the season in which he was born, so my money is on "Christmas" if its a girl or "Football" if its a boy

Bonzos_Bed_Time

Bridge (to nowhere)

riverside68

Men's room
Dobb (dirt out behind bar)

horsedreamer_1

Britta & Track are stars, & they are beautiful people.

Negropolis

Marilyn Manson Beautiful People or Chris Brown Beautiful People?

tessiee

"Broken Rubber"

DashboardBuddha

Buster Condom

Doktor Zoom

Duh. The kid will be "Halftrack." You know, for the troops.

And for Beetle Bailey, whose service was at least as honorable as Track's.

Following the ceremony, a small reception was held at the local Applebee's. Mozzarella sticks and Potato Skins were served.

GOPCrusher

The couple are registered at Dollar General.

memzilla

This means that drilling is going on in ANWR, the Alaskan Natural Wackadoodle Reserve.

loulouroo

Do the Palins get married in secret ceremonies set up by their parents in shady deals years in advance, as children, like other grifters? Such as the Irish Travelers? Just wonderin'.

anniegetyerfun

Actually, Ithey seem like OK kids, right? He's going to go to college, she's a nursing student. Neither of them goes on camera and babbles incoherently about how great Sarah is… maybe they are human after all? Like, he could be adopted.

They got married without any great fanfare, though, so either she is preggers or they just have no patience for pomp and circumstance.

V572..whatever

Plus he's an Army Reservist, been to the Sandbox once or twice. Glammordammerung and I have been debating about whether that makes him an odious mercenary or a heroic public servant, or somewhere in between.

anniegetyerfun

All of them, Charlie.

Lascauxcaveman

It makes him a guy who joined the army to avoid going to jail. So maybe there's some hope for him, in a traditional bad-boy-gets-reformed kinda way.

Negropolis

People seem to think Track is a decent dude because he was seen so little, and doesn't like the camera, but from everything I've read about his history, he's just as much a typical Palin as the rest of them, unfortunately.

PsycWench

“These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together."
Are we SURE that one of them is a born Palin?

memzilla

One of them has to be majoring in Advanced Griftology and Famewhoring.

Sarah Palin as your mother-in-law. The mind reels. This young woman will be begging for a visit from merciful death before the "official" wedding.

NorthStarSpanx

Considering at least one of her ex-brother-in-law's still licks her boots, it must not be all bad.

El Pinche

So when do they start pushing out tards and Palin start pretending to be the mom? …the Wasillan Circle of Life.

Barb

"The couple will have a larger wedding celebration this winter at Alaska’s Alyeska Ski Resort “ Terrific! Their child should be 3 months old by then and can be the ring bearer. *sniff* I love weddings.

genxr

This is good news for Wasilla, they'll be getting the Hanson brothers on their hockey team.

Gopherit

So, she's knocked up, right?

Radiotherapy

My advice to the young star-crossed couple: Hookworm Prophylaxis.

Oblios_Cap

Good advice!

Nothingisamiss

Oh, Radiotherapy, I love you!

Barb

Do you get the sense that next to their fireplace, where the cord wood is usually stacked, there is a pyramid of home pregnancy tests.

widestanceroman

next to the kindling-cash bucket.

anniegetyerfun

It's true. I'm trying hard to be nice today, because I haven't had enough to drink yet to really hate everyone as much as usual. I mean, she seems all wholesome-y and sort of like the Kate Middleton of Alaska (not a real compliment, I know).

Native_of_SL_UT

What's the over/under on them actually still being together when this winter honeymoon thing starts?

freakishlywrong

Has Sarah pimped them out for a reality show yet? "My Big Redneck Marriage" comes to mind.

6:00 PM, and apparently the Rapture knows about time zones and that wacky daylight savings time a few English-speaking countries use. According to the crazies we'll know by late tonight when it starts in New Zealand when the godly Kiwis get raptured and the rest of the country is destroyed by some bigass earthquake.

anniegetyerfun

Haha, Kiwis all pray to some crazy tattoo rugby god. They will be Left Behind like the rest of us.

riverside68

How do we know that the rapture didn't start already? There wasn't anyone to pick up, except mabe some homeless people, and now we are all in the volcanos, lava, floods, war shit.

Lascauxcaveman

That means when the rapture turns out to be a no-show, they'll be divorced by Tuesday, if sober enough to get out of bed.

Doktor Zoom

It's a nice day to…start again.

Extemporanus

Hey little sister…shotgun!

ganmerlad

Hey little sister…what have you done?!

SorosBot

Got knocked up, danced badly on a reality TV show, made lots of money without really having a job, and got plastic surgery to get a giant ugly chin.

philpjfry

Abandon all hope ye who enter here

Mumbletypeg

To be fair, the newlyweds aren't doing anything other straight-laced couples aren't at this day and age: gettin' "honest" before God in time for Him to rapture them senseless.

It'd be a honeymoon worth writing home about, or beaming or tele-séancing, whichever as behooves a post-rapture benficiary.

“These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together."
Good God…I hope she is at least a second cousin! That family cannot afford any more r*tards.

Oblios_Cap

“As much as we wish death upon the United States, we stand together with and pray for the grieving people of America, who have lost an innocent woman to the Palin family at a tragic young age. May God be with you in your hour of need before He smites you.”

From reading the news, I can only believe that the smiting has already occured.

Repeatedly.

Biel_ze_Bubba

That was God, dope-slapping the red states.

Slim_Pickins

She's young enough to be Arnold's daughter.

fartknocker

I see the little yellow bus of downfisters has entered our playground….

Barb

That means that track didn't cut the brake lines on his bus too. Screw 'em.

GOPCrusher

I hope their caregivers have told them not to lick the windows. You never know where they have been.

Biel_ze_Bubba

They're called "short buses" in my neck of the woods.

zhubajie

No one's mentioned The Rapture yet! Happy non-Rapture!

flamingpdog

Too soon!

gef05

Depends where he is. It's already Rapture Day in some parts of the world.

In Oz it's close to 4am, and the headlines read things like "Football Team Defeats Other Football Team." So the prediction aint looking so grand, thus far.

Oh man, I went to an exhibition of Duane Hanson's work a couple of years ago, and was blown away. Those constructions had souls, I tell you, and I started having a compassion attack right there in the gallery.

The art of the Palin syndicate goes in the opposite direction, I fear. Human beings get transformed into inanimate objects. Like the famous DIY book, "How to Make Orange Crates out of Fine Furniture."

owhatever

This addition of still another Palin may be what will tip the God into destroying the world tomorrow. Enough's enough, awreddy.

I didn't know if you were thinking of Burning Spear or his daughter Britney.

horsedreamer_1

Alas, while the mascot of the Wisconsin Lutheran College is the Warrior, they do not intro their sporting events with dialogue from the Warriors.

tessiee

*clinking bottles together*
Palins, come out to play-ay!

GOPCrusher

A preacher's daughter? She's a slut.

flamingpdog

Gay Masons?

MrFizzy

So what's the bride's first name, "Road"?

gef05

"Marks".

smitallica

I heard they threw bird seed. FROM A HELICOPTER!!

BAMM!!!

Barb

I heard they threw puffed rice, natch.

tessiee

Puffed bride, unless I'm mistaken.

anniegetyerfun

I just figured he was Bristol's first oopsie.

mariser

I can't enlarge the pic, but are Todd, Track, and the father-of-the-bride wearing …boutonnieres? carnation boutonnieres? with jeans?

oh, my

anniegetyerfun

"High-powered rifle from a helicopter" wedding has a nice ring to it.

Negropolis

WIN

Annie get yer fun, indeed.

Thurman Munster IV

Where did she and Track meet? Yes, that's a low hurdle.

teebob2000

Pastor's daughter! Pffft! She SOOOOO puts out.

GOPCrusher

Track is probably the last man, animal, plant that she's did the horizontal mombo with in the Matanuska Valley. And parking lot of the Anchorage Super Wal-Mart.

Bonzos_Bed_Time

William Wallace in Braveheart.

anniegetyerfun

You know, I don't meant to snark about people gettin' knocked up and then married. Most of my friends got married for that reason. Of course, I grew up in the Wasilla of Washington (no, not Yakima, but close enough).

Negropolis

I hever quite understood the reasoning behind it, at least not these days. I guess a marriage use to lock in the dad, and make it particularly prohibitive for him to leave, but it's not that hard, anymore. And, while it definitely helps to raise a child with two incomes, I'm not sure it's ultimately better for a child where either one of, or both of the spouses, feel like captives. I've seen this kind of situation before, and kids can feel when one or both of the spouses resent the other one for trapping them. Some of the most messed up kids I've known have come from two-parent households where the parents stuck out a miserable marriage 20-30 years and used their children within their homes as pawns against the other spouse.

Sorry about the lack of snark, but marrying for children is fraught with all kinds of problems.

Pragmatist2

They were not going to get married. But then Sarah announced that she was running for President and this was just not a good time to fake a pregnancy again.

SilverTsunami

I went to the People link and I love all the exclamation marks. If you use enough of them, it really! looks like news!!!

poorgradstudent

We joke now, but wait until her parents commit ritual suicide.

Beowoof

I do believe when you sell your soul to the devil you always get a bad deal. And thus more proof. Bedazzled anyone.

Lascauxcaveman

Would it help if we speculated he did the vandalism while high on meth? It's entirely plausible.

catchtheflava

Just add a twist about it being revenge for blood libel, and I think we've got something viral!

Negropolis

It'd be irresponsible not to speculate! You know, like how Glenn Beck raped and murdered that girl back in the 90's.

tessiee

Where's the long form marriage certificate?

Rosie_Scenario

Alaska semi-formal. Jeans, but no parkas.

riverside68

priests?

fartknocker

I wonder if he has a secret Facebook account like his mom. I bet his alternate internet name is Track Lou Sarah – that's very original and no one will ever figure that out.

DashboardBuddha

His publicist told him to lay low for a while.

rocktonsam

Damn ladies, thunder thighs much?

WunkRocker

Damn, if they don't name their "premature" baby due in 6 months "Trig II" what the fa%uck can they call it? All the truly fucked up names are already claimed by Team Palin, excepting Brita. And well. SHAZAM! It has to be "Trig II" or "Also Trig."

bordo2

Nah, the baby will be named Truck if it's a boy and SUV if it's a girl.

Badonkadonkette

Why are some comments disappearing off this thread? Are they being raptured?

every girl grows up dreaming of getting married in her "nice jeans" and white blazer. jesus fucking christ is this their wedding photo? is this what they got married in? i know these were a bunch of classless fucks but holy shit! you don't get married in your goddamn "nice sweater" that you wear when grandma's coming over for thanksgiving dinner! for fuck's sake you get married in your thrift store grey suit w/tails and a pair of doc's like i fucking did! fuckin bunch of fuckin hicks.

mavenmaven

Its what they were all wearing when the doctor confirmed the pregnancy test.

GOPCrusher

To be fair, Tawd did at least put on a new Arctic Cat hat.

GOPCrusher

YAY! I'm being downfisted by spanky2b!

GOPCrusher

Track: My Mom is going to be the President Of The United States!
Young Wasilla Airhead: Oh, OK.

GOPCrusher

Greg Marmalard and Chip Diller?

GOPCrusher

* wipes tear from eye * That was just beautiful.

Buckminster

Knowing the Alaska mentality, there's a good chance that the groom will be wearing a backwards ball cap in the wedding photos. I kid you not.

figures. the kid who goes all mainstream normal and gets all straight married in the family values family doesn't get rewarded like the unmarried teenage mom.

USA! USA!! USA!!!

lochnessmonster

First thought like many others…we got to make sure the baby is not born out of wedlock. If they can wait for the party, why didn't hey wait for the wedding.

tessiee

And I thought MY (thankfully now ex) mother-in-law was a psycho hellbitch!

OldRedneck

Track IS NOT a Palin. After all, let's check out the young fellow:

— Graduated from high school without knocking up half the girls in his senior class.
— Enlisted in the Army, served a tour in Iraq, now in the reserves.
— Has a real job, working for a commercial fishing company.
— Not on Dancing with the Stupid People.
— Not shacked up in LA with two black guys.
— Not scamming his own non-profit.
— Not on the speaking circuit.
— Not "writing" a book.

He's definitely not a Palin. Must have been adopted.

chascates

Sarah & Todd eloped: Track born 8 months later. Bristol has baby sans marriage. Why don't we avoid the negativity of 'out-of-wedlock' and 'unwed mothers' and just have marriage as a civil and tax-related contract? No more church weddings unless you do it after the civil procedure, which will be the only one that legally matters.

No one should be indebted for the horrible cost of a full blown wedding and half the people will get divorced any way.

Biel_ze_Bubba

All that family devalue stuff would not have happened if gays marriage had been banned in Alaska. I mean, more banned than it was.

Negropolis

hard working, humble, active, studious young adults

Too. Many. Disparate. Adjectives.

Are they also "well-behaved, sporty, strong-willed, contented young adults" too?

Negropolis

The couple will have a larger wedding celebration this winter…

Isn't that cute. They think the marriage is going to last until at least winter, bless their hearts.

BTW, "Alyeska" sounds awfully Musliny.

berkeleyfarm

All snark asides, I wish them well. She seems like a genuinely nice girl – no running around on FB dropping "ur fat" and "ur gay" as insults. It's probably in large part to her and possibly parents' credit that Track appears to be trying to straighten out and fly right once out of his toxic family of origin. Having sister Britta around as a positive, loving role model is probably good for Piper as well. (She was also lil' Tripp's live-in babysitter.)

Wouldn't be surprised if she was knocked up, but maybe they got hitched for the insurance or married student housing.

Negropolis

Padme Amidala & Anakin Skywalker?

Biel_ze_Bubba

"She was also lil' Tripp's live-in babysitter."

Getting it on with the hired help, eh? The Ahnold is strong in this one.

berkeleyfarm

She was his GF before Bristol got knocked up (that time, anyway).

ttommyunger

Who cares if she's knocked up? None of my business, anyway. Plus, only the second and later kids require nine months, the first one can come anytime. I wish them well.

PuglyDoRight

Nobody in Alaska owns a tie? Or a real first name?

Lynne

In Alaska, if a guy asks you out to dinner, his idea of dressing up is to put on a clean tee shirt and change his baseball cap. Guess you gotta be here….