Please note that this post contains ALL OF THE SPOILERS. In fact, I’m so conscientious of spoiling Rogue One that I’m gonna put a shitload of Greek copy between here and the actual beginning of the post.

[All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy. All work and no force chokes make Vader a dull boy.]

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There, I think that oughtta do it. I’d like to talk about the ending of Rogue One and what I’d like to say is HOLY LIVING FUCK THEY KILLED EVERYONE! I was not ready for that kind of bloodbath at ALL! First they killed Jyn’s mom and I was like, “Aw man, that’s sad.” Then they killed Forest Whitaker and I was like, “Aw man, that’s sad, and I didn’t understand anything he said.” Then they killed Jyn’s dad and I was like, “Aw man, and it’s raining, too.” Then they killed the fucking DROID, and I was like, “Aw man, the droid had all the best lines. I think that’s probably it for the body count!”

But it wasn’t! They killed the fucking blind guy! The blind guy was fucking awesome and they killed him off like it was nothing! They killed the dude with the big gun. And they killed Naz! HASN’T POOR NAZ SUFFERED ENOUGH? Once all those dominoes started to fall, I was like, “Are they gonna kill everyone? They can’t possibly kill everyone. They’re not gonna kill off Jyn, for shit’s sake. She and Cassian will get away in an escape pod or something.”

BUT NO! SWEET PIG BALLS, THEY NUKED BOTH OF THEM, TOO! I can’t believe it. I can’t believe someone went to Disney and was like, “We’re gonna make a new Star Wars movie, and everyone in it will die,” and Disney approved it! And I can’t believe a Disney exec didn’t pass a note that mandated, “Instead of killing off these two characters, what if they hide in a nuke-proof fridge and share chocolates instead?” I don’t know whether to salute Gareth Edwards for having the sack to do this, or slap him silly. I’m surprised the movie didn’t end with CGI Tarkin roasting Yoda on a fucking spit!

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Before I went to see this movie, I asked my colleague Albert Burneko if I should bring my kids. And Burneko was like, “Honestly, if you bring them, you should know all the spoilers and tell them the spoilers.” And I was like, “Fuck that. That’ll ruin the movie for ME.” So I took the kids anyway. My seven-year-old could barely walk when he came out of the thing, he was so punch-drunk. I’m not sure if I’m a horrible parent or if they boy learned valuable lessons about gritty ownage last night that will serve him well in the years to come. I’m just gonna assume it’s the latter. WALK IT OFF, SON. I texted Burneko afterward and I was like, “Good fucking God, they killed them all!” And he was like, “That’s what I was trying to tell you!”