Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Infertility Struggle and Becoming A Grandmother

I never wanted kids. Truly, I didn't. I never had that urge to hold a cooing little baby. I didn't go crazy over other peoples newborns or toddlers. I had my mind made up that I would never have kids.

But God had other plans for me. He brought David into my life and with him came 4 kids. I never hesitated to take them in, move them in and take on the job of a full time Mom. It never occurred to me to question it or give it much thought. They needed me - and I stepped up to the plate.

But with David came this feeling - this little gnawing on my brain and heart, that I wanted one of my own. I wanted my own baby. Because I wanted the opportunity to raise a wee one with the man that I love. As much as I love my step-kids, I wanted the experience of raising baby with my husband. Being able to mold it and shape it. Instill my morals and values in him or her. Love it and nurture it. I wanted that! And it went from being a gnawing at my heart into a full fledged 'need.'

So, you can imagine my disappointment when after a year of trying, nothing had happened. No baby. No nothing. And so, much to my heartbreak, we had to go to our doctor and find out what exactly was going on. And I can't tell you the anguish I felt when we were told we would not be able to get pregnant without fertility treatment - and even then, nothing was promised.

I was MAD. I was so mad I can't even begin to put it into words here. I was so angry with God. How could He do this to me? It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. I cried and cried and cried - until I couldn't cry anymore. I was resentful - of David and my step-kids. I turned my anger on my husband. How dare he be able to have kids with someone else and to find out WE couldn't have kids. Needless to say, my emotions have run the gamut.And so we decided to adopt. We picked an agency, went to the classes, paid our money and were ready to delve into the very lengthy and overwhelming world of getting our affairs in order to prove we could provide a good home to a baby. And I was excited about that. But several months after the initial meetings I started to have this heavy feeling on my heart that now was just not the right time. I didn't say anything to my husband for a while and just prayed on it. But still, I had this uneasy feeling that it was just not the time to move forward. And so I broached the subject with David and we decided to put it off. Finally I came to a place of semi-peace with our situation. And we started to think that maybe it was a good thing to not start over. In 4 years we would have a kid free home and still be in our late 30's and would be able to have a life - just the two of us. We've never had a life together minus children in the home, so that would be an amazing experience as well. We started to plan all the things we would do, where we would travel and the hobbies we would take up. I was content. I had faith in God's plan for us. Fast forward about a year - and my 18 year old daughter is pregnant. At one time, when I was in the grief of not being able to have a baby, I had this ongoing dialogue with myself that if one of the girls ever ended up pregnant in our home, I would have to walk away. I know that sounds horrible, but if you have never been in the middle of dealing with infertility, you have no idea the emotions that go with it. It's brutal. And I just never thought I could become a Grandmother before I had the chance to have a baby myself. And now I found myself in that exact situation. And at first I was fearful. I was afraid I would resent Morgan. That it would all be to painful and bring up all kinds of negative emotions I had tried to put behind me. But the reality is, I'm okay. And I'm going to be okay. I have had a lot of people tell me that this might be the baby I prayed so hard for - just not in the way I had envisioned it. We never know what God has in store. And I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know this - my daughter and my granddaughter are going to need me and I'm going to be there every step of the way. I will be the best damn GiGi I can be. And the good news, hubby and I still can be on our 4 year plan to a life of just us. I do trust in God's plan. I may not always understand it, but I have complete faith in it. I believe the doubt that came with the adoption was for a reason - so that I would be available and ready when my daughter needed me. So, all in all, I'm still content and at a place of peace. Even with the teenage pregnancy. I was given this life because I'm strong enough to live it.