Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Quiz Me

Who writes those quizzes?

Every day men around the world are unwittingly
drawn into taking part in women’s magazine quizzes, much to the detriment of
the male. Women’s magazines print such quizzes by the gross, and tout them as a
totally in-depth and complete analysis of everything that could possibly be
wrong with your relationship.Every
quiz has the same stock categories for questions:change, best friend, sensitivity, self-image
promotion, occasions/gifts, communications and social interaction.

I’ve conducted an exhaustive research program on
such quizzes by talking to almost half a dozen other guys about them. My data
suggests the quizzes seem to only point out what’s wrong, and strongly
indicates the questions are posed in such a way as to make it impossible for a
male to answer correctly.Who writes those quizzes anyway, the International
Association of Divorce Lawyers?

I feel it’s only fair that the male half of
relationships be given equal opportunity. Therefore, I have developed a generic
Guy Magazine Quiz (men don’t normally feel the need to beat the relationship
horse to death, so only one quiz is necessary). The research was exhausting,
and required several trips to the kitchen to replenish stocks of beer and
chips.

The Generic Guy Magazine Quiz

QUESTION
1: If you could change one thing about your significant other, it would be:

A)Not wiping off the scales from the kitchen
table after he filets fish.

B)Sharing his beer with the dog... from the
same glass.

C)How he thinks Hoppe’s Number Nine is an
erotic after shave.

D)Geez... I
can only change one thing?

QUESTION 2: If your
boyfriend/husband broke his leg, would you go moose hunting with his best
friend?

A)I definitely would.

B)Probably not.

C)I definitely would not.

D)Depends on
if the hunt was in a trophy area.

Grooving until the quizzing starts.

QUESTION 3: What would you say
if your boyfriend/husband was upset because his favorite sports team was
knocked out of the playoffs by an obviously inferior “wild card” team?

A)Oh honey, I’m so sorry. Maybe next year.

B)That’s just not fair!

C)You’re right, that coach is an idiot.

D)How much did
you bet?

QUESTION 4: Your
boyfriend/husband is feeling a little down because he had to go up a waist size
in his jeans. What would you say?

A)I think you look better than ever.

B)I like my men with a little weight on them.

C)Most guys are too skinny anyway.

D)So, Blubba,
suck down another six-pack and a burger!

QUESTION 5: Whenever your
boyfriend/husband’s birthday is mentioned, he describes a fishing rod he wants.
What would you get him?

A)The fishing rod he describes.

B)A gift certificate in the amount of the
fishing rod he wants.

C)Both the rod he wants and a matched reel for
the rod.

D)A box of
candy and some slinky boxer shorts.

Mr. Cleaver is in trouble!

QUESTION 6: You and your
boyfriend/husband have been driving around, lost, for hours. What would you do?

A)Suggest he pull into a gas station to ask for
directions.

B)Ask him to pull into a gas station to ask for
directions.

C)DEMAND that he pull into a gas station to ask
for directions.

D)Remind him
that if he’d have just listened to you when you told him which way to turn two
hours ago, you’d be at your destination by now, and that if he doesn’t pull
into a gas station pretty soon he’s gonna wish he hadn’t upgraded to leather
interior because you can’t hold it much longer, because at the last stop- when,
by the way, he should have asked for directions in the first place- he tried to
make up for not listening to you by buying a large iced mocha.

QUESTION 7: What would you do
if you were out shopping at the mall with your significant other, and you ran
into a bunch of his buddies?

A)Stand quietly and listen intently while they
blather on about their macho stuff.

B)Ask if it is okay for you to go browse while
they visit.

C)Suggest he enjoy his conversation and catch
up with you later.

D)Tell him to
hold your purse while you do a little window shopping.

Determining
your score: For each A answer, give yourself 1 point. For
each B answer, give yourself 2 points. For each C answer, give yourself 3
points. Don’t do anything with the D answers just yet. Add up all the points,
divide by the square root of Pi and multiply by two-thirds. Now, take that
number and subtract 15 points for each D answer.

What your score means: If your score is between minus 105 and plus 7.9, you
and your significant other have some serious issues. It is best never to ask
your boyfriend/husband to take another women’s magazine quiz.

Shameless plug: This post is an abbreviated excerpt from the book Of Moose and Men: Home is Where the Harm Is, a collection of humor pieces.Available through Amazon, click here to check the book out.