I’m sorry, Green Bay…

September 25, 2012

Dear Green Bay Packers and Green Bay Packers fans,

I’m sorry.

I know I am not at fault for what happened last night considering without a doubt I have no connection to the people who are actually in control of the NFL and the decision making of allowing for replacement referees, but as a human being who can experience empathy – I’m sorry.

I am not a fan of the Green Bay Packers like you are. I have an allegiance to the black and gold gentlemen known as the Pittsburgh Steelers. I am a fan of your team in the sense that you are a football team, a good one at that, and I enjoy watching football almost more than anything. What I can only imagine is the anger and frustration that i would feel if I were a Packers fan this morning. It would be horrendous. Well, I probably wouldn’t have slept last night from either the anger I felt over the referees’ bumbling final call and/or my anger and regret over smashing all the electronic devices in my household that could have broadcasted me the opportunity of witnessing such idiocy.

I’m sure I would have spent last night covered in shards of my laptop, iphone, TVs, and maybe I would have thrown an errant kick at the microwave and that could be broken as well. As well as my heart. There may have been a few empty bottles of liquor by my feet and at this very moment I could be thoroughly hung over and/or vomitous from said bottles. I could be in a pool of my feces at this very hypothetical moment as I was so angry from the bad touchdown call instead of an interception that I decided I would forgo using the toilet from now on. I would become a caveman or just an animal in general and poop and pee where I feel like. Maybe I would stop speaking a noted language like English and replace all my vocal announcements with grunts and screams, but one word would pass through my lips when I meant something I hate and wanted to commit violence on – “Goodell”.

I don’t even want to imagine that world. That world where possibly I wear no clothes and let my hair grow for warmth. I become a thief and eat from people’s garbage. I live infested with lice and leak discharge from my anus like a trail for people to follow this mythical filthy creature of devolution. All because of Goodell. All because of football. All because of the most unholy walking the Earth today – the REPLACEMENT REFS.

I wish I could help you, Green Bay.

I wish I had something grand to give you. Something that would take us back to that moment in time and get the call right and you wouldn’t be so angry. Alas, I have no genies with wishes or Dragon Balls that also grant wishes or something else that grants wishes like a wish granting alpaca. But I humbly admit I have none of these.

What I can give you is my most cherished possession at this very moment…

DOG SHAMING!

What?! HAHAHAHAHAHAH! You silly doggie! What a silly doggie! You shouldn’t eat bunny poop! No one should eat bunny poop! Not only should you not eat bunny poop, but you shouldn’t be smiling about it like that! You’re the silliest doggie! Yes you are! I’d still let you lick me even if you ate bunny poop! I mean I’d give it a couple hours and several trips to the water bowl, but I have faith in your bacteria ridden mouth that you wouldn’t pass on any bunny poop disease with some of your licks!

DOGGIE! You look so sad about chewing those socks, but you can’t help yourself because you’re just a doggie! A DOGGIE I WOULD PET! Yes, I would pet you! I would take your ears and I would cover your eyes with them and then kiss you on your black tire nose! THAT’S WHAT I WOULD DO! I would also flip you on your back and rub your belly while you chewed on all of the socks we can find! Under the covers?! Well, you’re kind loves burrowing under the covers, so it is only natural for you to be there chewing on those socks! I’ll provide the covers and the socks and you provide the unflinching love of a doggie!

DOGGIE! I LIKE LASAGNA TOO! WE WOULD BE THE BESTEST FRIENDS EVER! It’s like we were meant to be together until the forever! Eating lasagna and talking a new doggie/human language that only we know! And then we would run and jump and I would scratch your legs until they stuck out all stiff and I would be like DOGGIE LOOK AT YOUR LEGS! And you would wag your tail and then I would grab that tail and we would play and jump around and make someone make us lasagna as a barter trade to allow access to play with us! We wouldn’t teach them that special language of ours… UNLESS THEY MADE US LOTS OF LASAGNA! HAHAHAH… Good idea, doggie!