Tuesday, 10 September 2013

The Beard Essentials

I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but I dig beards. Like I mean, I reaaaallllllyyyyyy dig beards. I have been trying to trace the origins of this love for a while, did I simply wake up one day and feel the love for the furry face or does its origins date back to a land before time. In my late teens and early 20s when I entered the dating game (yep I do believe that it is a game) beards where the worlds biggest turn off, beards to me meant old people and pash rash. It wasn't a common sight to go out and see a sea of woolen faces. I would date a guy and make him shave all the time because I didn't like the fuzz. It wasn't until I was 28 that I started to appreciate the beard, it was becoming more main stream and hairy men where popping up everywhere. Here is my whats whats of beards

- My two favourite men in the world had beards. My dad and bubble-o-bill. They say a girls first love is her dad, my first love came with a beard. It only makes sense that my future loves come with a beard as well.

- Beards are manly, as a women my genetic instinct is to want manly men to hunterer and gatherer for me.

- They look like comfortable warm places to build nests, as a "bird" its only natural to want to nest.

- I live in the land of hipster beards. My daily commute is full of them, every man and his goat are sporting some sort of facial growth. You don't hear me complaining, just embracing.

- Beards are like the Titanic, the ultimate ice breaker. I'm a friendly kind of lass and like to talk to the masses and if you've got a little something something in and around your face hole I'm probably going to talk to you

- There is a song that quotes "if your dad doesn't have a beard, you have two mums", I couldn't live with myself if that was to happen and I was to enforce that on my children. I need to know that I am procreating with a man of adequate facial growth (and/or ability)

Lifes Important Bearded Men

My Dad - always had a beard, its who he was. I remember him picking us up from school once and he had had a shave and I walked straight past him. Beards really do make a man recognisable.

My Step Dad - he used to have a beard when we were growing up. It was a bit of a Ned Beard and for years after he shaved it off he would flick the bottom of his chin after eating to dislodge any stored food. I think that's called muscle memory (or insanity)

My first bearded boyfriend - he had a beard and I probably noticed that before I noticed anything else about him. We hooked up and then he shaved his beard off. It was like he lost 1000 watts of sexuality with the removal of his face rug. I refused to see him for two weeks until he grew it back.

My go to guy - Ricki Hall. That's really all I need to say. If ever I am feeling down and need a cheer me up, I put that guy into google and I instantly feel better. EVERYWHERE. INSTANTLY. BETTER. Tattoos and beards. You fucking bet you.

What types of Beard are you?

The Patchy - look its probably important to address this one first because its what the majority of you can grown. If its patchy don't waste my time. Don't pretend to be something that you aren't and just give it up. I am sure you have a lovely personality, people will eventually forgive you for your inability for facial follicle.

The Moustachy - I moustache you a question? does the rest of your face get cold while your top lip is cloaked in glory? Yeah I thought so. Really its all in or all off. Rocking the moustache alone kinda makes you look like Mario, do you want to look like a middle aged plumber that's on a never ending mission to rescue a princess that keeps getting herself kidnapped? Yeah I thought so.

The Ned - You've got the beard, you've grown the beard, you've cultivated the beard, you may have gone a bit too far with the beard (yeah I know, who knew there was a limit). You are starting to get mistaken for a member of the ZZ Top, and that shit wasn't cool since the 70s. You need to cultivate more civilised and less homeless.

The Prickle - I think back in the day they used to call this the designer stubble, it was the look made famous by David Beckham (I think) and while it may look trendy it can cause havoc to the face of your would be admirers. That shit scratches and ain't no body got time for that. Have it or don't, there really is no room for half measures.

The Perfect - For me this is about the well groomed, enough length to give you softness and something to stroke. Distinguished and giving off the illusion that you read many leather bound books. That's the kind of look that we are after here. Like early Ricki Hall. If that shit is on your face, I am on you're face.

What ever has brought on this new wave of beardedness, fingers crossed it continues. I want to immerse myself in all of it, build myself a nest and be done with it. Please be free to make up your own mind on your enjoyment of the beard, heck actually I hope you hate them, that will just means more bearded men for me.