Making big decisions in life – from someone who learned the hard way

I have written a rather lengthy post about my life. Most of you have heard that I’ve been through rehab. Some of you know that I’ve been to jail before. Not many of you know the whole story.

It’s one about how a young and innocent kid started experimenting with drugs out of curiosity and how it quickly snowballed from recreational use into a vast methamphetamine and opiate addiction that nearly killed me and brought me to depths of depravation I never have thought I was capable of.

They say curiosity killed the cat…

…but satisfaction brought it back!

I’m not really sure that statement is true. It certainly rolls off the tongue nicely, but with the sacrifices I’ve made and the state of my health as it stands today – it bears to navel gaze and ask myself – “Was it all really worth it?”

I guess that’s a question only I can answer.

It’s an unfortunate situation which I always say is essentially a “victimless crime” and drugs should be legalized but when you think about it and the havoc it wrecks on your family and loved ones…

…can you really say that it’s a victimless crime?

I don’t mean from a legalistic standpoint, but rather a moral one.

Pull up a chair coz here’s the entire story about how I thought I was too intelligent to be addicted. This is a story of an arrogant youth who played with fire, thinking that he’s the exception…not knowing that the road to hell is paved with people who thought the exact same thing.

It’s also a tale of redemption and most of all holding true to your core values, like loving my family, who has bailed me out so many times I couldn’t keep count. Here’s to my mom and dad for believing in their son, even after so many overdose hospitalizations, arrests, and rehabilitation centers.

wondering writing bro! i wish your mom will be ok and you know, life is a journey. i always believe it doesnt matter if you make mistakes, as long as you learn from it and grow out of it. take care bro!

been follow your blog on n off since way u r in Kuching, i’ve seen that u’ve change your life into a healthier path. i admire your courage to admit your past n be known to other, glad that u have a second chance to choose a different path of life, u certainly inspire lots of us, wish you and your mom all the best!

i read it last night. you’re brave to be so raw. been following your blog since veritas days, so am quite familiar with your journey ;)

One more thing about your article – you may as well be talking to me. i was on a downward spiral when i got pregnant a few years back. snapped be into reality, went cold turkey & got clean. Now a mom to a beautiful active little boy, i thank God everyday he turned out ok. Truth be told, it’s still a fight with demons daily.

Yeah, there were days when I felt that life was meaningless with the constant chemical induced ups and downs. It wasn’t a lot of fun towards the end – it turned into a darker, more compulsive addiction instead of the knowledge seeking experiments I started with.

Indeed! I love your story, that was exactly how I lived my life – and hey, we have just about the same dosages too. I take a bit more benzos but the dihydrocodeine dose is similar, and yes, to the opiate naive it would kill – that is people who aren’t like us.

However, I used to need that amount just to feel the opiate warmth too.

I know it’s over the LD50 for DHC, you know it, but we go through it anyway.

That is the problem with physical dependency and while it was really hard to quit, I’m glad we both managed to do it.

…and an excellent anecdote of your life it is. We are remarkably similar – holding down promising careers, same DOC and dosages (and also the things we do in relationships – you eerily remind me of myself).

Unfortunately, an opiate habit is a hard one to maintain – it just can’t last.

Glad to hear that you didn’t OD, at the amounts we take, it’s like a dance with death every single time.

Cheers to the both of us for getting out of the vicious cycle and quitting the self destructive lifestyle.

Amen to that!!! Yeah although I have zero to show for it financially (unsuprisingly) I look back on the last ten years and wonder how the fuck I’ve actually done so much and been so many places…coz I was SMASHED!!!

Although, like you say, it quickly becomes maintainance rather than a proper high!

I can’t claim to be sqeuaky clean by a long shot, but not waking up junk sick is a huge relief! SO MUCH hassle, just to function.

It really sucks to wake up dope sick and throwing up first thing each morning until you get your dose of opiates…and with opiates, tolerance is a bitch, it quickly becomes a maintenance dose and you have to constantly increase it to get the euphoria. Part of the problem is just financing that habit.

We’re lucky to have jobs so we don’t have problems financing it – others who’re not as lucky and didn’t start to get into dealing wipes out pretty soon.

I have been reading your blog for the past one year and found most of your posts were fascinating! I even went through the archives and realised you did your degree in Melbourne! I am working in Melbourne now by the way.

You have been through a lot and coming from a long way to reach at where you are now. What I can say is, thumbs up because you were brave enough to try things that most people wouldn’t have guts to do it. I am not saying that you were right by performing illegal act but what I mean is you have tried at least once and learnt from the experience. Hey, we only live once in a lifetime and life is short. So live life to the fullest!

Huai Bin reading your stories since 2006 has been an achievement (a small one) on my part but for you to be able to document it is just another different ball game altogether.

I have so many questions to ask you as a medical student. Living with liver and kidney damage at such a young age (when i say young i mean functionally) i cant even begin to imagine what it must be like.

Im so glad on your behalf that your better than before now addicted to life.

Appreciate all the time you took reading and thanks for the support! :)

Well, it is kinda difficult and you have to be careful about stuff – even things people take for granted like Panadol – it’s really toxic to the liver in large enough doses or when taken before/after alcohol, so I take aspirin if I have a headache instead.

long time reader, i think your life story is happening to a lot of mid and upper class msian students who go overseas, especially melbourne where drugs are easily accessible although meth is expensive there :P and gambling is just a tram ride away.

anyway, hope your health will hold, don’t want this blog to go down again like the last time without any news lol.

Heh! Well, most people I know just try it and don’t make a hobby out of studying the more exotic research chemicals (which can be quite hard to procure). A lot of students just try the usual common drugs and stop at that. I kinda did a full Phd and went into research. ;)

Back from HK ? I can say this is a blessing in disguise . It’s better for you to do all the nonsense when you’re young and there is people to take care of you. Imagine if this happened in another 5-10 years, when you’re old who is gonna pick you up ?

I can somewhat relate to you , but most of my experience revolves around money ~

Your pic above is somewhat cheeky =P and I like your pic with the gold hair LOL ~~

Next time if you want to try something , try something more natural ;)

I’ve read parts of your blog (especially the drugs part and your life experience in general) for a couple of years, and recent Facebook article. Your written English is really good! How did you get really good? Did you read heaps of English Grammar books? What titles?

When I get a chance, I’ll read all your blog from the beginning!

What were your marks like at uni in Melbourne? Credit average? Distinction average? HD average?

What meds are you currently prescribed legit? I read on your Facebook that you’re currently on 3 benzos?!

You should remove the last line of your Facebook “Favourite quotations” because you’re anti-drugs now! :-P

I just started reading at a really young age. I was reading Stephen King by the time I was 10 and had a voracious appetite for books. I don’t have formal English training per se – I don’t know the proper terms for grammar rules or how to do it.

I just write what “sounds right” – get what I mean? I think it’s common among those who started reading books at a very young age – you know if a sentence is grammatically “wrong” or “right” but you can’t explain it technically.

Greetings from the US! I’m not sure how I found your blog, but I am glad I did. I have been reading it with great interest. It’s amazing how so many people from such diverse backgrounds can share so much in common. I wish you well-keep travelling.

Hello Huai bin, was browsing your blog, and came into this post. Read your story in the R U Ready page as well. Your story is inspiring. I believe it is not a good journey, but I know God has blessed you and your family. Good luck with whatever you are doing today.

Kudos to you bro….with all the things you did to your life,,i don’t expect you did sharing your life experience….but with all that,you inspired teenagers,like me to stop using drugs….. Just continue what you’re doing right now,gudluck