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Mar 31, 2011

"I JUST WANTED A BACHELOR BRUNCH!"

Just like everyone else on June 5th, 2009 (I didn't even look that up. That's my crazy-awesome memory for ya!), I headed to see The Hangover.

I loved the friggen thing. It made me want to go to Vegas SOOOOOO bad. Like, beyond bad. I had never been. And then, a year later (exactly), I went to Vegas with 10 of my best girlfriends. Fun was had. Hangovers were looming in the air. We faked a Bachelorette party, ended up in some suite with a basketball court with a bunch of guys we didn't know (real smart), and we even got into some altercations with some men that were a little too friendly. I stayed up until 7:00 am for the first time in my life. Needless to say, we had a REALLY good time. I remember being drunk, but not the sloppy, pathetic, drunk that you frequently see on the strip. We all managed to keep our wits about us and kept in mind that we all needed to stick together, that none of us wanted to throw up, and needed to make sure we had our hotel key on us, but we may or may not have had bribery material for all of our rehearsal dinner speeches: we entered in bikini contests at the pool, we rolled around on the floor of the casino, walked barefoot at some point, and engaged in what I like to call the "baby seal" -- things we all needed to be rather intoxicated to partake in.

{Now guys, you know I give you hell. And the reason you don't like it is because most of the time I'm right. (You all have told me this various times.) So I hope that I don't come off as a she-woman man hater, because I don't hate men. I really don't. I'm a very loving chick. But I just tell it like it is. You can't blame me for that, right? Please take everything with a grain of salt before you read on. While this may apply to most men, everyone has their own circumstance. It may apply to you, it may not.}

Of course I'm excited for The Hangover 2, but then again I'm dreading it. While women can keep it classy (using that term loosely) and the worst thing we (well, my friends at least) can do is end up with some strangers to party, guys go beyond logical reasoning, go beyond morals and go beyond any sense of dignity. I mean, that's a normal Saturday for some dudes. But then they see this movie and it's like something in their head goes off like, "DING! I WANT TO GET A TATOO ON ONE SIDE OF MY FACE AND MAYBE MARRY A HOOKER. THOSE ARE GREAT IDEAS AND WILL MAKE ME LIVE IN INFAMY AMONG MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW! AND THEN I'LL ROOFIE ALL MY FRIENDS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS! YEAH! IT'S GONNA BE HILARIOUS!"

I'm not a man, so I can't be for sure. But what I do know is that men today are retrograding (much like Mercury -- except it's not an illusion, it's the real deal). They're going backwards in maturity and to them it's all fun and games and getting hammered beyond what's reasonable, and legal in most cases. So by seeing this movie, not only is Bangkok their next ideal destination for a vaycay, you can bet they're going to try to accomplish some of the shennanery in their own city first so they can have something awesome to relay during the weekly email chain. I am 100% sure I am accurate on all of that.

Alas, this is why I love Ed Helm's character, Stu. He's the straight-laced dentist who actually wants to stray away from making a mockery of his life, but gets dragged into some seriously funny crap. Kind of like business in the front, party in the back... and he's hilarious, but that's besides the point.

So yeah. Sue me that I actually fear for mankind to see this movie. I am scared for their future, their self-respect, their livers and their next STD checkup. But alas I am excited to see it all go down on screen... because it's a movie. And movies are pretend.