Thursday, January 28, 2010

Bride Selection (Manu's Advice)

Thousands of years ago, Manu wrote edicts for all walks of life. He even wrote about the kind of girl who is suitable to marry. I have listed below Manu’s “don’ts” and “do’s”. Even though these are from Manusmiriti, I am writing this post with a “tongue-in-cheek” frame of mind. This is meant to be more on the humorous side and not meant to be a hot topic for debate regarding the merits and demerits of Manu’s advice. Hold on to your seats because here we go.

Manu says - Do not marry a girl…if she is:

From a family which neglects the sacred rites.

~ Well there goes Angelina Jolie. Bye, bye you heathen.

From a family in which no male children are born.

~ Well there goes Chelsea Clinton. Your father is an ex-president and your mother may be a future president. But you are unfit for marriage. Your Stanford education is useless…unless you have a brother.

From a family in which the Veda is not studied.

~ Now how exactly am I supposed to know which family studied Vedas and which families did not study Vedas. If a girl has studied the artform on how to use AyurVEDIC cream does that count?

From a family who have thick hair on the body.

~ Exactly where on the body are we referring to? If the girl’s father has a chest that looks like a bear, how does that discount the girl?

Yes I want to marry you, but you are unfit because when your father takes off his shirt, he looks like he still wearing a woolen sweater. On the other hand, Manu you had a dirty mind!

From a family who is subject to hemorrhoids, weakness of digestion, epilepsy, or white or black leprosy.

~ Sir, I want to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage…but before I do that, can you please tell me your family’s history of bowel movements?

You know this has to be the most uncomfortable conversation between two people in the history of mankind.

~ Your eyes will be red if you don’t sleep, so ladies please get your beauty sleep. Your eyes will also be bloodshot if you drink. Ladies, please put down the Vodka, Gin, and Rum right now if you want to be the perfect wife – from thousands of years ago.

Who is named after a constellation, a tree, a river, a mountain, a bird, a snake or whose name inspires terror.

~ No Revathi. No Rohini. No Swathi. No Aswini. Hell even Star Jones has been eliminated (thank GOD – she annoys me to no end). And if any of you ladies are named Everest or Kilimanjaro, Amazon or Nile, Kaveri or Ganga, Python or Anaconda, Cardinal or Dove, Death or Destruction – you better change your name quick.

Who has no brother.

~ Yeah, we get it. Chelsea Clinton is out. George W. Bush’s daughters are out. Barack Obama’s daughters are out. Wow, he really made life difficult for the presidential children. (Obama’s daughters may have a slim chance.)

Whose father is unknown.

~ Ahhh yes, now I know why Tiger Woods decided to cheat on Elin.

No one has ever heard of Elin Nordegren’s father. You narcissistic egomaniac.

Manu says – do marry a girl…if she:

Is free from bodily defects.

~ Too bad for Cindy Crawford. She is perfect except for that mole on her face. That is a bodily defect right? But a man’s receding hairline and pot belly are absolutely no issue. Right on Manu. You’re my kind of guy.

Has an agreeable name.

~ Agreeable name? I’m sorry I don’t know any girl whose first name is ‘YES’. I don’t know any girls named ‘OK’ and ‘All Right’ either.

Walks gracefully like a swan or an elephant.

~ I beg your pardon? Elephant and graceful should never be in the same sentence. Why don’t you just add that the woman should be as soft as a porcupine, have the sweet smell of a skunk, and the quickness of a turtle.

Graceful walk of an elephant – oh I guess Manu did want to make doubly sure that Star Jones gets married quickly.

Who has a moderate hair on the body and on the head.

~ Ladies it’s all about the hair. Now you must stop shaving your legs. Moderate hair makes you A-Ok to marry.

Who has small teeth.

~ Umm exactly why does she need small teeth again? What do you think she is going to bite? If she bites it is going to hurt anyway.

Who has soft limbs.

~ Ahhh yes. Everyone loves a gymnast/contortionist. Manu you are a very naughty man!

Thanks for your comments Neha. And, welcome to my blog. If he gets old and bald, I dont think even a 80 year old hairy grandma with big teeth, and who has a hemorrhoids problem, with red hair and red eyes, named Revathi, will marry him.

Thanks for your comments Sulagna. I do not know how to answer because I have no idea what is the meaning of "mallu for lover". If you are asking whether this guy wrote any advice for selecting a groom, I don't think so.

Hahahahahahahaha OMG I really laughed aloud on that Agreeable name because "yes' came to my mind too. My God, I have been told by my father that every era has its own truth and hence we can not follow same things for ages. But here Manu clearly tried to discourage the birth of a girl child, especially when he had put condition on which and what kind of woman to marry, along with telling the masses that a girl without brother is no good for them. This is pity! So with all that a girl would definitely become a burden on her family no matter what their social standing is. Scientifically a woman who has thick hair, has better and healthier progeny. Prolly Manu was writing a blog and it got popular because of such bias and controversial statements! :P