Henry was talking about not being allowed to go to a mall with a group of his friends. Henry seemed to sense that hanging out in a mall with other boys, some of whom were older, carried some risks with it and might expose him to situations he might not be able to handle successfully.

A 15-year-old girl I know asked her mother if she could go on a date with a boy she met at school. Maggie was asked to go by a boy who was 17 and a senior at her school. Her mother’s response was simple and direct: “You know the rule. No dating until you are 16.”

Maggie had to tell the boy she couldn’t go out with him. Later she told her aunt: “I wouldn’t tell any of my friends this, but I don’t think I’m ready to date an older boy.”

In both instances, a family rule was invoked by the parent to overrule what each child wanted to do — or at least asked to do.

Although it may be true that many parents believe rules governing the behavior of children and teens are important, what is often confusing is how many rules are needed and the types of rules that are necessary.

Like most parents, I believe families need rules or limits. And I think it is important for children to have limits — which are usually represented by rules — because kids are not always able to control their own behavior or to reliably decide whether or not a behavior or activity is best for them.

Rules, then, can be viewed as messages children and adolescents can carry around in their heads, which serve as guidelines for their behavior.

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STRIKE A BALANCE

However, if there are no rules or too few rules, kids may lack reliable guidelines when they really need them. On the other hand, if there are too many rules, it may be difficult for young people to remember them or to see them as useful. Therefore, in most families it is best to have a few, brief rules.

Areas that children and teenagers need to have covered by rules are those that are the most important in life for them. Those might include rules for: treating other people (“Always treat others with the same kind of respect you expect”); hygiene (“Brush your teeth in the morning and in the evening”); personal property; (“You must clean up your room at least once a week”); respecting the property of others (“Everyone is entitled to trust that their property will be safe and secure”); and leaving the house (“Always let us know where you are going and when you will come home”).

Setting rules for your child in these basic areas will give him or her some useful messages that will cover some of the most important situations they may encounter.

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START YOUNG

If these kinds of rules are established when your child is young enough, and if they are communicated in a clear and consistent manner, your child will have heard them repeated many times as they are growing up.

What is so very important for children is that their parents care enough to set rules, that those rules communicate essential family values, and that hearing them repeated frequently means they will carry them around in their head.

When faced with situations when you are not around to give them directions or instructions, they can fall back on the rules they have heard over and over. They only have to recall your rules in order to be able to answer one of two questions they are likely to ask themselves: “What should I do?” Or, “What would Mom and Dad want me to do?”

There is one more rather crucial element to family rules: That you must also respect and follow the same rules.

It’s one thing to have a parent tell you what you should do. It’s quite another for you to have seen your parents consistently follow the family rules. 

James Windell’s column, Coping With Kids, appears on Tuesdays in the Relationships section.Follow James Windell on Facebook or on Twitter at @JamesWindell1.