19-year-old patriarch-in-training desires helpmeet to provide things Mom has taken care of up until now. She must be a chaste, quiet keeper at home who will dutifully satiate me at all times using sexual intercourse within the bonds of covenant marriage. Any other kind would damn me eternally into the Non Virgin Pew at the back of the church.

Turn-offs: Sin. If you’ve ever touched another man in any way whatsoever, keep your filthy self away. See also if you’ve ever purchased anything with a credit card, listened to any secular or mainstream Christian music, ever used slang, or plan on using any form of birth control to prevent our God-ordained right to reproduce.

Body type: Extremely manly.

Perfect first date: Our wedding. Your father will walk you down the aisle and transfer his authority over you to me. Once we are wed in the sight of God and our community, we will share our first embrace.

Ideal woman: Someone who agrees with everything I say, follows my lead in everything, goes along with everything I do or want to do — and takes the blame when it (all) goes wrong. Even though it was my idea to begin with (because she won’t have her own ideas to begin with either).