(Closed) Long rant about mom :(

My mom and I have always had a love/hate relationship. She was young when she decided to malke a baby, and was just 19 when I was born. she often says she “grew up” with her girls (I have 3 younger sisters). On top of that, she has displayed attention seeking behavior in the past, but to those who don’t know her it just seems like she has a loud and vibrant personality. I think what may make matters worse is that my mom is attractive and definitely does not look her age (she will be 50 this year), and she makes sure she is always noticed. As an FYI, my dad was never really in the picture and passed away 8 years ago.

Our wedding will cost, after everything is said and done (including hair, makeup, dress, tux,flowers, etc) about $30k. We are very fortunate in that FI’s parents are contributing about $15k. My mom is paying for everyhing I will be wearing from head to toe (about $2k total). There have been several times throughout the wedding planning where my mom has called our decisions into question. For instance, my family is very small compared to FI’s And so he obviously has a larger guest list than I do. When it came time to planning the rehearsal, I told my mom we were having a hard time finding an inexpensive yet nice place to hold It. her suggestion was that I cut down the wedding guest list on FI’s side (even though Im closer to those invited from his side than I am to many on my side). I explained that was impossible and when she continued to make that recommendation and then asked why I felt the need to “kiss their ass” and include so many of fi’s family, I pointed out they’re paying for half the wedding. She screamed, ranted and raved and hung up on me. She then proceeded to send text messages and emails that continued to state I was “kissing their ass” by inviting so many members of FI’s family and that I should buck tradition and not have a rehearsal dinner (even though i never said I did not want to host a rehearsal dinner). She went so far as to say she and my grandparents wouldn’t attend the dinner because they would have to get home(??). She also said I was ridiculous to have so many BMs (8) and I should have just had a small wedding. Mind you my mom has never had a big wedding despite being married three times. she just got married for the third time a little over a year ago and my sisters and I weren’t even invited (neither were his kids). They planned an out of state wedding for just the two of them. Even though my mom never had a large wedding, she was actually in two wedding bands for about 12 years so she knows what a traditional wedding entails.

Anyway,this has always been my mother’s pattern. If you say something she disagrees with or finds insulting, she yells, swears, says “Im your mother” as if that allows her to be rude and disrespectful, and then hangs up on you. She has been doing this to me for years. Eventually she just starts talking to you again as if her behavior never occurred.

last Saturday was my bridal shower. On Friday morning, my mom went to the ER with a panic attack. She was released around 5pm and that was that. my shower started at noon the following day. I arrived around 12:20. My mom (not surprisingly) didn’t get there until 12:40. I was hurt that she couldn’t show up on time for an important event. There were guests who traveled over two hours in lousy weather who still got there on time. When she arrived, i immediately greeted her at the entrance so as to avoid her trying to make a grand entrance – she actually started to walk in and announce to everyone loudly “sorry I’m late” but I interrupted her. she also tried to draw attention to herself throughout the shower with pictures, saying she should have been seated at the table of bridesmaids, etc.

here is where it all came to a head. My mom called me tonight and after having a trying week at work, I admit I was distracted when she was speaking to me. I let her know at some point that I had my hair and makeup trial today. we then started talking about whether or not she would have hers done and when she would have to get to the venue where everything is happening on our wedding day. I told her two or three times how important it was that she get there by 12:15 At the latest because she has to help me get dressed. She said she didn’t understand why I was repeating myself because OF COURSE she would be on time. the exact words out of my mouth were “I am just worried about you being on time because you were late to the shower.” All hell broke loose. She started making excuses for her lateness (she is always late), then started screaming and swearing at me (Several F bombs). I very calmly told her if she was going to shout and swear I would hang up and she could call me later. She continued to yell, told me to go to my dress fitting alone next week (she told me to go dress shopping alone last year when she was mad at me) and then hung up on me. She then sent me a text telling me I was a self centered brat, and that I was speaking to her “like a client” (I’m an attorney with the local public defenders office). Apparently telling someone youre going to hang up if they keep yelling and swearing is patronizing (according to her). Ironically, none of my clients would ever speak to me the way she does nor would I let them.

She then called me back, denied swearing during the conversation, and at first denied name calling. When I reminded her that she called me a self centered brat, she said “well you are” (?!?). the amount of BS my mom has put me though the years is just nuts. I’m the oldest of four and was very much parentified from a young age. I was very much the second parent of the house at a young age. Just 3 weeks after Fiance and I started dating six years ago, we had to pick my mom up from the police station after she was arrested for DUI. When one of my sisters found herself pregnant at 18, I supported her regardless of her decision. My mother didn’t agree with my sister exercising her right to choose, and sent me a text one night that said “F–k you, killer!” I actually had to place a block on my cell phone account because her texts and calls were out of control She has yelled, sworn, etc. not the way you should speak to you child at all. It’s beyond hurtful and makes me feel like I have no real adult to turn to for love and support because it’s always on her terms. I feel like Im walking on eggshells and she is quick to say “Im the mother” as if that gives her the right to be rude and show no common courtesy and respect. I was a straight A student, went to law school, have worked since i was 14, have friends and family/in laws that love me unconditionally and yet she says these things to make me question myself as a person.

I have no idea how to handle my mother not just with the next couple of months before the wedding, but also after I start my family. This is not the type of person I wamt to be exposed to, let alone my kids. It’s heartbreaking to say the least. Sorry for the very long rant!

OMG. I’m flabbergasted and have no idea what to say, except to send big hugs your way. You are maintaining a relationship I think I would have cut off a long time ago. I hope your mother doesn’t cause any trouble leading up to your wedding.

@Washingtonian: we tried that once. As soon as I started to open up about my frustrations (using lots of I statements), she started interrupting me. The counselor told her she needed to let me speak and my mom spent the rest of thE session with her arms crossed, shaking her head.

I think I would limit her involvement in the rest of the wedding plans. Hopefully she won’t try to make your wedding day all “about her”.

Regarding children, you naturally don’t want to expose your children to her tantrums and poor language. It sounds as though you are much closer to your fiances family. I would spend much more time with them and limit the time you spend with your mother to the significant times, such as Christmas, Easter etc.

@Jayceedee: The only difference between my mother and yours, is that mine was 31 when she had me (22 when she had my twin sisters)… My mom met my day when my sisters were 2 or 3, they have been married since, and she has been a stay at home mom since.. even though I’m 20 now. And she and my father have been alchoholics for as long as I can remember.

She talks to me the same way. Whenever I say something “matter of factly” she laughs at me. SO ANNOYING. It’s like when a 5 year old does something bad, you catch them and they laugh as you tell them to go to their room.

Currently we’re arguing over the guest list as well. She’s telling me I need to invite more of her family (aunts, uncles and cousins I don’t talk to…yet she hasn’t mentioned anything about inviting my dad’s side). She tries to convince me by saying “the more people you invite, the more gifts you’ll get!”…uhh I don’t care about gifts. I want to marry my Fiance. Plus in order to receive those gifts, we’ll have to pay $150/person just for them to be there.

She asked me “What are weddings about Brittany?” so I replied “well from what I can tell they’re about 2 people getting married” She laughed at me and said “No sweetie, they’re about family”. Um NO. My wedding is NOT your family reunion. F*&^ing deal with it.

Then she goes off saying we’re inviting all of FI’s family and none of ours. I have 35 and he has 21. This includes close friends, neither of us have many.

Currently my sister is trying to explain to her that I have a right to have a small wedding if I want to. Hopefully she gets it because I don’t want extra people there that I could care less about. I have no desire to bring her dress shopping, she’s very negative, and I honestly haven’t asked her opinion about anything. But apparently when people get married, it gives everyone a right to have an opinion on dates, guest list, your dress, the formality, food, etc.

@Jayceedee: Whilst it doesn’t sound like your mother is a mature adult I also get the feeling from what you wrote that seem a tad jealous of her. I agree with a pp, you both need to see a therapist and work out your issues.

I don’t like or love my mother. She never wanted to be a mother, but being a practising Catholic, wouldn’t use birth control. She has made it very obvious that she was/still is resentful that being a mother placed restrictions on her life….and then wonders why myself and my 2 brothers have not had any children.

I’ve not seen my mother in nearly 5 years – I live on the other side of the world from her, through choice. I get very angry when people say things like ‘you will miss her when she’s gone’…no I won’t, because she’s barely in my life now.

Anyway, I’d maintain some distance from your mother. I learned 20 years ago that mine wasn’t going to suddenly wake up one day and become the type of normal mum that I wanted, and I was wasting my valuable mental health and happiness trying to force her to.

@BrightSide: we live about 25 minutes apart but I actually don’t see her all that often for a number of reasons. there have been times where I’ve made plans just to see her brierly after work and she has cancelled for whatever the reason.

@Brittanyg20: so sorry for what you’re going through. It is frustrating. I hope your sister is able to help you with your mom!

@j_jaye: not sure why you think I’m jealous of my mom. Like I said before, tried counseling and it did not go well.

@Baal: thanks for the advice. Fiance has made suggestions along the same lines. I think what makes the whole thing even more frustrating is that I see the way FI’s parents and step parents treat him and I don’t understand where my mom’s anger for me comes from.

I am in agreement with Baal. It doesn’t sound like she is going to change at this point. If I were you, I’d get MYSELF into therapy to deal with the realization that she won’t become the mother I want. And then I would exclude her from any further wedding activity. I would tell her the time of the ceremony and that’s that. Her involvement seems to result in unhappiness on your part, so why involve her? If she shows up, great, if not, oh well. I know that sounds harsh, but why make the wedding so unpleasant by trying to involve someone who doesn’t really want to partake politely?

@Jayceedee: reading your post made my heart hurt for you. You seem like a lovely girl who any mother should be proud of and dote upon 🙂

The sad truth is, while not impossible, the probability of her changing her ways at the age she’s at is nil to none. My best suggestion would be to get thru this wedding as best you can, seek some counseling of your own to learn better coping skills and how to handle her when she is around. Then, keep your distance and focus on YOU. Being a good person, having all your shit together, and being a “good girl” still doesn’t change anything about HER, know what I mean? So, at some point you’ve got to just isolate yourself from her frantic and impulsive, unhealthy behaviors towards you.

sounds like you’re beating a dead horse trying to take the high road here with her and trying to be mature enough to communicate with her. Sometimes, it takes the epiphany of realizing what other humans are and aren’t capable of before we ourselves know what actions to take. And sadly, she’s seemingly INcapable of anything mature or constructice. Trying to force her into a mode she’s incapable of will only continue to hurt and disappoint you, and frankly, confuse and irritate her. Thus, the cycle churns…

This is awful and has to be so difficult. I once had a counselor say to me about my mom “her feelings are no more important than yours. She doesn’t get to treat you in a way you don’t like just because she is your mother”. It sounds like you already embrace that and are just trying to figure out how to make her see that. For many years in my 20s and early 30s, I had to live a flight away from her, driving distance was too close, not talk to her about anything personal or substantial, and limit visits to 3-4 times a year for 1 – 1 1/2 days at a time. like a PP said, limit your interactions with her, do not involve her with your wedding. Treat her like a guest and have someone else who will be supportive and positive to help you get ready. dont put her in a position where she is allowed to cause stress or drama.