Discouraged Hope

Disappointments, they are, everywhere aren’t they? Every day, am to pm there they are. You start to wonder if you care too much. Maybe if you treated people like they treated you -things would be different.

Maybe if you didn’t expect the same treatment you gave to others out of decency you wouldn’t feel the disappointment.

Disappointment it comes in every shape and size, span wide and small, it’s literally everywhere. People who have a glass half full look on life, well they may have it better to turn the disappointments into something new, something to turn over.

Warriors see the disappointment and keep pushing through because that’s what they do, they don’t wallow about it, they don’t give up on life, they don’t even give up being civil because it proves nothing.

Expecting the same you put out? Is futile because it’s apparently human nature to disappoint.

You can think someone is a semi-decent person and the next moment they are personally attacking you and your faults instead of addressing their issue with you like a normal grown ass person. Suppose damaged people do that, they can’t handle their own shit, so they take a crack at another person, they want you to feel as bad as they do. It’s funny when you think about it, projection after you have had it for so long, you can see it for miles before it hits you.

Disappointment in yourself, for many different reasons, it happens all the time, you look at yourself, your life and wonder what the fuck am I doing here? Why did I allow this? Why am I not better?

I do this, often. I look at my grades in school and sure they are alright I’m a mid to late 80% sometimes mid 90% student and look at myself, wondering why I must disappoint myself, I know what I want, I want to be that 95% student, the one who gets everything, that one who doesn’t freeze up on tests, that one who can spend any extra time on working harder, problem is I don’t have any of that extra time because apparently tiny humans need attention and life lessons and such. Accepting your disappointment is super hard, it’s an emotion a feeling that just hurts somewhere deep within.

In my spare moments, such as mindless bus rides, showers and sometimes through my workouts I reflect on myself. I am proud of where I am, but I feel disappointed in a few things, I supported someone I had no business supporting, but that happens life takes us on these turns that split off into different roads. It’s just the way it is, it doesn’t make me want to stop helping people, it just makes me more selective about who I do help.

Standing outside and looking in, I know that I am broken, I know that I handle almost all emotions with anger because it’s easier. Anger is the easiest emotion you can have if you can control it it’s easy. It doesn’t feel messy it doesn’t feel hard and it can drive you, drive you harder to reach your goals, to reach your full potential because you aren’t stuck in the other emotions.

Of course, you are supposed to go through them, you are supposed to explain to people who have hurt you or disappointed you that they have, but after one time? What’s the point, they know they hurt you, so what’s the point of saying it again? To fall on deaf ears? The ignorance that it will fade away and be part of someone’s normal?

However, those emotions? Yeah, they are messy, they hurt, they make you feel things you sure as hell don’t want to feel. They are the tears in your eyes that you won’t let go, they are the stutter in your voice when you say, “I’m fine” or “nothing’s wrong” It’s not just a way to say nothing, it can be a giant defense mechanism.

When someone disappoints you more than once, it chips at the connection, it wears at the ties, it makes you question if you mean anything at all to them. It makes you look at the knowledge they have and the actions they do and wonder if they really know what they are doing? It makes you wish you could take back the sacrifices you made before because you promised you’d never be on the higher end of giving again.

You become disappointed with yourself if you wouldn’t have let anyone in? You could have just been the same as before, tougher without feelings, locked up tight so no one could hurt you ever again. You are disappointed with yourself because you let yourself get here, to a place where you feel deep and hard and though you aren’t angry you just become another disappointment. Had you had no expectations would it all be different?

Maybe the time has been busy, the life you lead has been chaos at best but when the storm calms you need to reflect for a moment and decide what to take out, how to live more simple, you need to go back and cut the toxic people who managed to sneak in when you were busy building your life and keeping up with the chaos.

In the end, all you need is to forgive yourself for feeling disappointed, for expecting anything, and for being extremely hard on yourself to be perfect. I struggle with this and I will be working towards this when the next couple weeks of chaos are settled in the dust.

^this shows so much of your character, and so many people don’t even realize that when their word doesn’t hold up? They lose the respect they could have had- huge lesson I’m currently teaching my son along with work ethic.

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Published by Betheinspiration5

Wishing to Inspire the change in others, help and let you know- you are not alone.
Single mama to two kickass humans, lost 100 lbs and working on improving myself daily.
Own a clothing line to show self-love, inspiration, and fitness.
Wanting to become a voice for domestic violence, an advocate and I want to change the world even if its just a little.
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