I'm only 28. My younger brother is only 23. I secretly feel guilty about how much more time my twin brother and I had with her. Mom went back to work when I was in middle school. I had a SAHM for the first 12 or so years of my life.

I cry at the most random times.

I also suddenly understand maybe how family members can fight over family possessions. I'm sure my mom's sisters won't all be thrilled that she's leaving me most of her diamond and sapphire jewelry, although I did suggest my SIL (twin's wife) receive one of the two necklaces. I'm also sure my mom's sisters won't believe that I care about the stories behind her jewelry. I don't want the jewels; I want the ring my parents picked out together when they got engaged. I want the earrings Daddy gave Mommy for their first anniversary, especially since he totally faked her out. I want the bracelet Daddy used to break the news to Mom that we were leaving sunny California for small town South. These are the stories I've made my parents tell me time after time, year after year. They're the stories I'll tell anyone who will listen when I want to share how much my parents love each other.

I want to know all the stories, and now I'm scared that I won't know which questions to ask my mom before it's too late. I went through a few old battered pieces that I knew had stories and wrote them down with her the other day.

My mom's mom, my last surviving grandparent, died last September. Which of her stories are now lost?

I'm home for a week, and my goal is to help my mom write her book, The Gifts of Brain Cancer.

While I love how loved she is, and how so many people want to visit her, I also want to shoo everyone away and just let me sit with my mom and get her book on paper.

I know where to go to get it formatted. I know where to look to hire a book cover designer. I know the entire process of getting her book on Amazon as a self-published work.

But she has to write it first, and I have to help her.

She's lost total mobility on her left side. She's still doing what she can with her right arm, but she's so incredibly weak. At least she's write-handed, so she can write things if needed. But her handwriting is atrocious, and there just isn't time to let her hand write the rest of her book. She's already spent a few hours with a good friend of hers, going through the handwritten pages she's done so far, and letting her friend type them up.

I hope one day I can be surrounded by bouquets of beautiful flowers for a happy reason, or no reason at all. I'm not even sure how many we have now. Five? But it seems like you only get showered with flowers when your world is falling down around you.

I feel like I've been so callous and uncaring in the past when people my age lost parents. Yes, I knew it was sad, and tragic, especially one neighbor who lost both of her parents to cancer within a few years of each other. But I didn't get it. If I met someone who already was without a parent, I spared a short thought, "That sucks" and moved on.

My dad was around my age, if not younger, when his dad died. I always knew my grandfather died young, in only his 50s, and I always wished I could have known him. But I was thinking about my grandmother. I never thought about what it was like for my dad to lose his dad in his 20s.

It doesn't seem real. It can't be real. Only my grandmother could out-sparkle and out-purple my mom.

I feel like I'm going to be the only one left. Yes, I'm my father's daughter in many ways, but I'm a Norwegian woman. I've always felt a special bond between me, my mom, and my grandma. I call us by my grandma's maiden name, not her married name aka my mom's maiden name.

I wanted so much to have my mom with me whenever I have a baby. I've wanted my own baby for so long, but Beau and I wanted a few years to adjust to married life. Plus my Crohn's has been so bad that my body probably couldn't healthily gestate a fetus right now if I tried.

My grandma stayed with my parents for six weeks when my twin brother and I were born. I always hoped my mom would stay with me for a few weeks when it was my turn.

I wish I could stay with my parents longer than a week. But I have to start Remicaide (an IV infusion of several hours) next Tuesday. At least I'll be back, with Beau and his parents, the last weekend in June.

My parents accept planning that far in advance, so I'm very cautiously optimistic that I'll have my mom for a few more weeks. The doctors wouldn't or couldn't give us a timeline.

If you've read my ramblings all the way through, thank you. Please keep my mom, my dad, and our whole family in your thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

No offense, but your understanding of modest culture is very wrong.
you're judging all of us based on what a few people have said. modesty
is for BOTH men and women, so it's not sexist. If it really was about
"women cover up so men don't get tempted" then THAT would be bad. But
no, it's about both men and women dressing appropriately according to
location, both saving themselves for the person they love, and all the
rules are appIied for both sexes. It's balanced that way, unlike the
western culture, which has women so routinely naked and men covered.
That it sexist, is it not? It's just as bad as calling a girl a slut and
praising the boy. And shaming us for being modest and assuming our
reasons is just as bad as slut-shaming and assuming their reasons for
dressing a certain way. Modesty is nice. It's our choice. Please stop
bashing it. Thanks.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Yeah, okay.

Let's break this down bit by bit.

No offense, but your understanding of modest culture is very wrong.
you're judging all of us based on what a few people have said.

Countless people have shared their stories at No Shame Movement of how religious people shamed them for their bodies. I've featured guest posts on my own blog from women who grew up in Christian cultures that taught them harmful messages about their breasts causing men to sin. Not to mention I've shared my own experiences of the Christian church objectifying me.Oh, and literally just a few days ago, another Christian dude-bro decided to chime in and tell women to cover up so we don't cause our brothers to "stumble."

No offense, but a hell of a lot more than "a few" people preach that women must dress a certain way, or we're responsible for men's lust.

modesty
is for BOTH men and women, so it's not sexist.

Bull. Shit. Remember the hypocritical mom who judged teenage girls for being sexy online while posting pictures of her teenage sons shirtless at the beach? And the countless articles that come out every spring admonishing women not to wear bikinis? Why don't they ever tell men to cover up at the beach?

If it really was about
"women cover up so men don't get tempted" then THAT would be bad.

But
no, it's about both men and women dressing appropriately according to
location, both saving themselves for the person they love, and all the
rules are appIied for both sexes. It's balanced that way, unlike the
western culture, which has women so routinely naked and men covered.
That it sexist, is it not?

If it was about people dressing appropriately according to location, people would stop having conniption fits about women wearing bikinis at the pool or beach. I'm criticizing Western Culture. I'm assuming you're not American. I am. I am writing from the perspective of an American Christian feminist who thinks Modesty Culture and Purity Culture promote harmful, sexist ideas. While the choice in the media to have scantily-clad women alongside fully-clothed men (like in Blurred Lines) is one that objectifies women, the individual choice of women to wear bikinis on the beach or shorts in the summer is good.

It's just as bad as calling a girl a slut and
praising the boy. And shaming us for being modest and assuming our
reasons is just as bad as slut-shaming and assuming their reasons for
dressing a certain way. Modesty is nice. It's our choice. Please stop
bashing it. Thanks.

I assume English is not your first language. I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say here. This is my best response. Yes, the slut-player dichotomy is wrong. Don't put words into my mouth. Tell me where, exactly, I wrote a SINGLE WORD shaming anyone for their choice in clothing. You can wear whatever you want. I don't care.The problem is when society pressures women to dress a certain way for the benefit of men. In Modesty Culture, that means Christians and churches often shame women into dressing a certain way for the sole purpose of protecting men. "Don't cause your Christian brothers to stumble" is a frequent admonition to women. Again, don't put words into my mouth. Where did I assume why an individual person dresses a certain way?I am critiquing a culture that shames women into dressing a certain way, and punishes them if they don't.

So, no offense, but maybe you shouldn't leave condescending comments that indicate a clear lack of understanding of the issue at hand.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Not me.Made you look.But Beau and I do have exciting baby news.We're going to be an aunt and uncle!!!!!!Beau's brother and SIL are expecting a wee one!!!!!!!

They told us before Christmas, along with all the other siblings and their parents. They didn't publicly announce it until last Friday, after her latest doctor's appointment.

Everyone is very excited. This will be the first grandchild for Beau's parents.

Also there's less pressure on Beau and me to have kids, although it honestly hasn't been too obnoxious since we could always say, "Well, Beau's brother and SIL have been married longer, so they should have kids first."

Monday, January 5, 2015

I don't have time tonight to address in detail the latest incident of stupidity in the comments, but rest assured, I will.And rest assured, if you are polite when you disagree with me, or you are polite when you are confused with what I write, or you are polite when you ask a question for clarification, I won't publicly humiliate you like I plan to do to someone else in the next few days.But if you're an idiot AND your comment is dripping with condescension, "No offense, but..." then I'm going to take you down.Let's start with some basics of reading comprehension, shall we?A single word, like "person," has one meaning. The word "person," by itself, is fairly vague, and applies to a lot of living beings. Two words, like "smart person," has a more specific meaning. The word "person" could apply to a "smart person," but "person" also applies to a "stupid person." Thus, "person" /=/ "smart person."Let's move on to some basics of reading a blog.Blogs have links. These links provide additional and/or supporting information to the blog's content. Like this link to the Wikipedia article for "person."

Bloggers provide these links in case our readers are interested in the topic and would like to learn more.

Bloggers also provide these links for clarification, in case our readers need more information to understand our topic.

Inbound links are links to previous writing by the blogger, on the blog.

Inbound links are particularly helpful when a blogger has already written extensively on a topic, and doesn't feel the need to rewrite the same damn thing with every subsequent post.

Tags are words or phrases that bloggers apply to blog posts to help our blog readers find related content. As seen in the example above, sometimes we provide inbound links directly to a tag within the text of a blog. Otherwise, you can find the same link at the bottom of the blog post.

Conclusion?

Don't tell me that I don't know anything about "modesty" in a post on MODESTY CULTURE. Because "modesty" is NOT the equivalent of "modesty culture."

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Beau and I have been married almost nine months already. It feels like we've been married forever, but our wedding also feels like just yesterday.Married sex has been great. I'm a huge fan of coitus!I've definitely learned a few things, though, that no one tells you when you're saving sex for marriage.

Dry spells are normal and okay.

When you save sex for marriage, regardless if you save coitus like we did or save all sexual activity for marriage, the common narrative is that married sex will be very frequent. At the very least, it will be frequent prior to kids.No one talks about dry spells. No one even defines dry spells.For Beau and me, a dry spell is going more than 8 or 9 days without sex. We usually have coitus at least once a week. Due to recent travel and illness, we just had our longest dry spell of about two weeks. And that's okay! It's not ideal, but it's okay. It's not indicative of a problem in our relationship. It's not a permanent status. It's a dry spell, and we got over it.For other couples, sex frequency will vary greatly. A dry spell might be a month without sex, or it might be more than 3 days without sex.

Engaging in premarital sexual activity doesn't diminish how special married sex can be.

Obviously, Beau and I saved coitus for marriage, but we engaged in other premarital sexual activity. I believe sexual purity is bullshit, but most people waiting for marriage think it has some sort of merit.

Every time Beau and I have coitus, I'm amazed that we're married and having married sex. Even though we did fun naked stuff prior to marriage, it doesn't make our married sex life less special. Even when we don't have coitus, and we do the non-sex sex like before, it's still different because this time, we're married.

Sometimes seduction isn't necessary.

Yeah, it's nice when Beau wakes me up on a Saturday morning with sexy cuddles, rubbing my back and playing with my hair. It's nice when we take a hot bath together with wine or hot tea and exchange massages.

But sometimes I'm like, "Hey, wanna have sex?" And he's like, "Okay." We strip down and hop into bed and start making out.

There's definitely more that we've learned together, but these three points are things I noticed missing in conversations about saving sex for marriage. If you're married, what surprised you about your sex life? Leave me a comment!

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C'est Moi

Young, flirtatious, and finally having sex with my husband. Other than that, a
post-grad francophone southern sorority alumna
falling in love over again every day with her husband,
fighting sexism one chauvinist at a time, nerding out on a daily basis,
figuring out her relationship with God, and tweeting/blogging about it
all incessantly. Contact me at virginconfessions20s@gmail.com.

TRIGGER WARNING: I often blog and tweet about sexual assault and
consent. It's usually apparent by a post's title or first few
paragraphs, but I don't attach individual trigger warnings for posts.