Making a Splash for the Ripples…

Currently, the Cleason Martin case in Durham Ontario, shows how effective going public with evidence of sexual harassment can be. In the comments (in that link), family members are not covering for him, but are actually asking victims to come forward. (Who does that?! I’ve never seen such a response before! I’ve encountered all manner of extremes of defending perpetrators, even when there were eye witnesses to the crime, but this? All I can say is, good on them!)

My heart is sick for the family – wife, children and grandchildren – but I also applaud those who are taking a stand against their father’s crimes and sins. I try to imagine his wife’s grief, and my heart squeezes a bit tighter… it must hurt like hell, that betrayal. I don’t support or engage in dehumanizing perps, or name-calling, and my heart is never for vengeance or destruction; it is for truth and justice, with mercy. However, I will not judge the family as they go through this process and pick up the pieces from the wreckage of their father’s sins. They need space to grieve and work through the betrayal, and time process their anger without my judgement and without being marked by the father’s sins. (I know this too well. I am the daughter of a pedophile… or child molester, whatever term you choose.)

I am all for exposing perpetrators and their crime. And, seeing how effective this is, I wonder if we couldn’t be quite effective in exposing other perpetrators. Especially upstanding ‘spiritual’ people who align themselves with ministries to look good, and use them to gain access to vulnerable women and girls. They attend events, offer financial support, reach out to hurting girls and women, and then tell how the hurting are flocking to them. They portray a deeply spiritual ‘presence’ and then turn around and make sexual advances. If this is happening to you, or has happened, I urge you to speak out. If you have experienced sexual advances, whether verbal or physical, speak out. If your children have been enticed with money or gifts, be aware that this is predator behaviour. And if you have accepted gifts or money and feel bound to silence about sexual advances or sexual assault, because “surely I am the only one… a slip in the moment… a weakness in temptation”, I urge you to come forward. These are often predators who will sexually violate numerous (or many!) victims, and each one thinks he or she is the only one, because the perpetrator is so spiritual, “surely they wouldn’t…”

Odds are high you are not the only one, but rather one of countless victims.

When confronted, these perpetrators apologize quickly and profusely, desperate to know they are forgiven. This is how they convince themselves they have a ‘pure heart’ and good reputation, that they are good and righteous, even while they continue committing sins and crimes against the vulnerable. They also ask for forgiveness to silence you; if you speak, others will hear about it and their cover is blown, so forgiveness is vital to survival.

Their greatest fear, I believe, is for victims to find each other, though they would never call the people they’ve used ‘victims’; they have so thoroughly convinced themselves there is nothing wrong with what they’re doing. They have convinced themselves, too, that it is but a slip in the moment, too strong a temptation to resist. And, besides, they have boundaries; they would never rape someone. They stop short of rape, seldom (if ever) going beyond groping genitals and fondling breasts or buttocks, or possibly exposing their own genitals. But seldom if ever, do the go to full penetration (aka rape). So it’s not a ‘real crime’. Grabbing breasts, and buttocks and touching… they tell themselves these things are virtually harmless. And by repenting quickly and apologizing immediately, they convince themselves of their own spirituality…. Even if this means repenting several times a day for the same sin with different victims…

They don’t see the suicidal struggles of their victims. They don’t hear the tears cried alone at night. They don’t see the loss of trust in God… The God whom their attackers represented, sometimes weeping with their soon-to-be victims, praying over them, gaining their trust… and then violating them. One… and then the next… and the next and the next…

We, too, are accountable for the suffering and spiritual trauma of these victims.

One victim is too many. But turning a blind eye, time and time again, is inexcusable. Completely inexcusable. If you have been warned about these behaviours, take them seriously.

God has called me to be there for them in the aftermath, and it is a calling I carry at times with trembling, as I watch the deep agony of victims whose hearts are betrayed by those who pretend to represent God.

God forbid that hundreds of people see the signs and turn a blind eye, as victims turn their hearts away from God because we failed to pay attention. That is blood on our hands. I cringe at standing before God one day and giving account for it. It is inexcusable, the silence and ‘overlooking’ – because the abuser came to us weeping and repentant (some, time and time again) and therefore we must forgive. It must stop. That is not repentance. It is manipulation. If you are aligned with such predators, do the right thing. Break the alliance and expose them. God will not bless the alliance, and the cost to you will be greater than you could imagine, if it comes to light.

You are welcome to email me and I will help you. Alternatively, if you’re uncomfortable sharing with me, feel free to ask, and I’ll forward contact information for law enforcement professionals who can help you. I have established contacts in USA and Canada who will offer such support.

One thought on “On publicly exposing sex predator names”

zeldassisMarch 3, 2018 / 8:07 pm

Hi Trudy. I am a female adult married survivor of: childhood constant severe physical abuse by BOTH of my “Christian-Born Again” parents. I and my 3 siblings all suffered this abuse by both parents.
We all also witnessed brutal violent domestic abuse by father on mother- a near daily occurrence as well. Mother would take out her frustrations, anger after her beatings by beating us children-who were ALREADY IN TERROR & FEARED FOR OUR LIVES after witnessing her being beaten so violently. I know I lived in fear every single day of being killed. TRheee was sexual abuse by father on me as well. I don’t know about whether he did it to the others. When I disclosed this to my mother at age 11, she responded by trying to kill me. She stuffed my nearby pajamas down my throat until I couldn’t breathe. I had to fight for my life to get the pajamas out of my throat. I NEVER disclosed any of the abuses to ANYONE ever again-until I was an adult and out of that house.
However I am the ONLY one of the siblings who called the abuse “abuse”. I distanced myself in so many ways whenever I could from my family while being forced to live there until I married-father’s demand when I tried to go away to college. I had close relatives on father’s side who lived in same building. They so often HEARD our screams-helpless terrorized children’s screams-as we were being beaten. They walked by ignoring our screams, with their Bibles tucked under their arms, heading out to church! Those aunts-father’s sisters who KNEW WELL OF HIS ABUSES looked the other way all their lives. Today they are ORDAINED MINISTERS in their churches! I abandoned my faith early in my adulthood because of the hypocrisy I witnessed by “Christians” in my life.
I am the only one of my siblings (the other 3 chose to become and remain EXTREMELY CODEPENDENT-they IDOLIZE their abusers now-rewriting their history of their abuse) who sought professional help when I became an adult. To heal scars that were affecting my adult relationships. I learned “tools” to navigate an abusive “TOXIC FAMILY” as it was termed-distance, disengage, detach..set boundaries and consequences when they were abusive in my adulthood (extreme verbal and mental abuses & THREATS of violence). However that counselor never presented me with the option of going “No Contact” with CRIMINALS, DANGEROUS AMORAL ABUSERS WHO WANTED TO HARM ME. So I kept a “Low Contact” with them. Rare interaction. This seemed to make them hate and target me MORE.
When I got married they extended their hate and targeting to my precious husband. By now we were both committed Christians. My toxic family exploited that by taunting, threats, verbal abuse,..seeing our Christian mandate of 7X70 forgiveness of them as “weakness” and an opening to harm us more. And they did. Extreme violence at their hands with a weapon after we’d stayed away for 4 months after an egregious abuse was their retaliation at out sticking to our boundaries. My husband stepped in front of me and took the blows by the weapon meant for me. He now has permanent blindness in one eye and permanent severe nerve damage to his facial nerves. Extreme meds daily for the 24/7 pain for life.
My issue is not the necessary “No Contact”-it probably saved our lives from future harm that was meant to kill us.
My issue is that these “wolves in sheep’s clothing are fooling their respective Christian churches big time. They are accepted and praised as “pillars” of the churches. They do “good works” to gain the good graces of church people.
My sister, ironically, is a LICENSED SOCIAL WORKER WHO-wait for it-holds classes for BATTERERS!!! These poor people remanded to those classes by the courts are in the hands of a BATTERERS’ CHIEF ENABLER, COVERUP ARTIST, LIAR, IDOLIZER…!!!
And what put me nearly “over the edge” were recent posts on Facebook by her Pastor. All about “abusers and their enablers in the church. He held Bible studies on that subject! He’s getting his PhD in “Behavioral Sciences” and says he’s an expert on the subject of “the abuser’s tactics” and “their enablers’ tactics”! And my sister is chief among the abusers’ enabling to this day!
THEN this Pastor next posted a “Linked In” picture and bio of MY SISTER promoting her as a counselor for the abused!! I went nuts! This is not my church so I really have no say and this Pastor seems to have no discernment at all. She is right under his nose. One of his constant Facebook buddies. She has brought my abuser parents to that church many times-passing them off as innocent Christian gentle, kindly older people. She gets them to give money each time- she and they are big on doing showy good works and giving donations to impress/throw off the church people who just “might” have heard the TRUTH about them.
I don’t know how to process this situation. These churches are clueless and infiltrated by evil and evil’s enabler. Do I just stand silent and let it happen in God’s House? I don’t think this Pastor would believe me without proof and no abuser abuses in front of witnesses. They don’t film their abuse. They don’t write it down. My abused adult siblings basically said “I can’t go there” when I tried to talk to them about getting help for their problems that stem from their childhood abuse. They want to deny and forget and make up a “new false script” about their upbringing. TRUTH IS DANGEROUS to them. Therefore I AM DANGEROUS TO THEM. That’s why they so easily took the side of the abusers-evil-and are lying for my parents and brother who attacked us.
Parents lied to police for brother the night of his attack when I called 911. They hid the hockey stick so police couldn’t find it and test it for blood, skin, hair of my husband. Parents got THE VICTIM ARRESTED by telling police it was a fistfight. It wasn’t. It was an hidden ambush attack with a weapon-preplanned most likely with my parents who worked very hard “apologizing and begging” and lured us back to their house after our refusal to go back there due to previous abuse. Brother lives with them for past 17 years-a willingly unemployed married attorney.
With a working teacher wife.They lost their home due to financial overspending and mismanagement. Both atheists. Hate us for being Christians. Hate us for having a nice home, financial security. Hostile for all the 17 years they’ve willingly lived with parents. They could get a home or rent a place in 17 years but didn’t. But they displace their hostility about their situation onto us. And parents “feed into it” as they always have triangulated their children-pitting one against the other all our lives. All 3 siblings hate me for exposing the abuse and for calling the police. So I’ve had to go “No Contact” with ALL my family. No allies. The Christian minister aunts who KNOW the truth-KNOW we are telling the truth about the attack-have never reached out to us to see how my husband is doing with his serious injuries which they know about. Nice Christian ladies huh? “No contact” with them too now. Anyone who aligns themselves with such evil is-to me-evil also. And I want nothing to do with evil. Had enough for 10 lifetimes.
Maybe you have some advice for the “church/Christian act” they are putting over on their churches?
Maybe you have advice on how I can process the lifetime of traumas as well as going “No Contact” with an entire family who all betrayed their God and me.

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Welcome to My Blog!

"Making a splash for the ripples..."
As a child I loved to throw rocks in water, just to watch the ripple effect. Eventually I mastered the art of skipping stones, creating ripples upon ripples.

In this blog I cover a blend of topics. Some are tough topics. Like overcoming abuse--emotional, physical, sexual or spiritual--and violence. Others are spiritually uplifting, devotional types. Still others are simply storytelling, practical advice on marriage, parenting, relationships and a variety of topics.

When I put the written word out there, it's like tossing a pebble in the lake. I have no idea how far the ripples will go. Sometimes it's like skipping stones, as I watch people share and pass it on, creating a series of ripples that my little pebble, dropped in front of me, could never create.

In all I say and share, my prayer is that the ripple that reaches you will be one of hope and encouragement. I don't mention Him explicitly in every post, but my goal is to make Jesus famous in my life and in my writing, so that you will be empowered to live a life of purpose and meaning.