The Best Christmas Pageant Ever

'Tis the season to curl up on your couch and watch your favorite holiday flicks with a cup of hot chocolate. There are countless Christmas movies to choose from, but you really can’t go wrong with Love Actually. It might not be the most obvious pick, but the British romantic comedy has become a must-watch for many during the holiday season.
1. It stars almost every British actor you can think of.
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With a cast that includes Colin Firth, Emma Thompson, Bill Nighy, Hugh Grant, and Alan Rickman – this might be the most British movie to ever exist.
2. You can see some actors before they got super famous.
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The film also stars Keira Knightley, Martin Freeman, a baby Thomas Brodie-Sangster, and Andrew Lincoln (Rick from The Walking Dead!) before they became well-known in the US.
3. It features perhaps the strangest Christmas pageant ever.
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4. The inclusion of the best Christmas song of all time.
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We’re talking about Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You,” of course.
5. Hugh Grant’s dance moves.
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They are everything.
6. The iconic cue cards moment.
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Our hearts still melt every time.
7. It shows that you can fall in love at any age.
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8. And that love can overcome any language barrier.
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9. It features a last-minute run through the airport.
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As any good rom-com should.
10. It depicts all kinds of love, not just romantic.
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The movie shows love between parents and children, siblings, and friends.
11. It's still realistic.
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Not every relationship works out, and no couple is perfect.
12. Oh, and it's funny too.
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13. And it reminds us that love really is all around.
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Yeah, it's sappy, but sometimes we need that reminder.
We'll be honest, we could watch this movie any time of the year.
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Emmy Award-Winning comedian Sara Schaefer, host Of MTV's Late Show Nikki &amp; Sara Live, will be blogging The Bachelorette for Hollywood.Com all season long.
Though last night's episode of The Bachelorette mainly revolved around the trial and conviction of Mr. Wrong Reasons James, there were many romantic moments in underground caves. Here are the top moments from last night's Barcelona journey!
The Taming of the Drew
Before starting her one-on-one date with Drew, Desiree says that the reason she picked him is because "he is so romantic and passionate about romance." These are just the quirks about Drew that really make him special, you know? In a quaint little dessert shop, Drew reveals something he's never told anyone: that his father is a recovering alcoholic and has cancer. What better time to reveal it than on a nationally televised dating game show?! So romantic, that Drew.
Then, as the two are about to sit down to eat a romantic dinner in a crypt of some kind, Drew dramatically pulls Des out of the room and sweeps her into the streets of Barcelona for a sexier, more intimate makeout session against a brick wall. From what I tell he may have made it to second base! This is really hot, especially coming from such a reserved guy... and by "reserved" I mean I'm pretty sure he dreams about marrying a man 24 hours a day.
The People v. James
The men have absolutely HAD it with James' disgusting comments made in private to Mikey. No man who is there for the right reasons would ever utter a word about any possible outcome other than marrying Desiree — even if your chances of that actually happening are 1 in 24. The cat was out of the bag — Drew tore the veil away on his one-on-one date and told Desiree about James' true evil nature. Meanwhile, the men confront James and he desperately tries to defend himself by pointing at each guy individually and screaming "F**k you!" This is getting super intense! In the words of Kasey, there's all kinds of "counter-accusating" going on!
When Des confronts him, James' defense is probably one of the most eloquent I've ever heard. I think he said "Des, this is hard" 43 times. His tears were so real — I bet he had to imagine his dog dying a horrific death to get those rolling! During their second talk on the matter, James goes even further to show his true emotions by sweating profusely in his man-boob area. It honestly looked like he was lactating. Which, as we all know, is a sign of true love. This is going to make Desiree's decision that much harder.
Ultimately, Des decides to send James home, weeping nipples and all. In the end, Drew described James' actions best: "It just doesn't make any sense... to a normal person." That is so true because none of this makes any sense... to a normal person.
Goodbye My Sweet, Sweet Juan Pablo
Also sent home this week, aside from James and Kasey, was Juan Pablo. Our Latin lover is no more. In his exit interview, he tears up talking about all he wants is to share Christmas with a wife and children. It's official: Desiree hates Christmas!!!!
The Preview For Next Week
By far the most exciting part of last night's episode was the preview for next week. From what I can tell, it seems like Drew dumps her (probably because he realizes he loves penis), Brooks goes ballistic, and everyone is bawling. I mean, I don't know guys. It seems like perhaps Desiree stops the show and decides that she doesn't want to marry any of the guys and wants to live a normal life??? Come on Bachelorette producers, let's make history together!!!
Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check Hollywood.com on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer's reactions to the madness.
Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki &amp; Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser.
Follow Sara on Twitter @saraschaefer1 Follow Hollywood.com @Hollywood_com
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When looking back at this season of the Real Crustaceans of Booty Popping Reef, we will wonder what happened. Well, I can tell you exactly what happened. Kernya Moo-ah happened. That is pretty much it.
A bunch of women moved, Kim quit, and then Kernya Moo-ah continued her existence on this earth, unleasing a Pandora's box (that is not a computer that plays Pandora) of psychosis out into the world. That is all that happened and that is all that continues to happen.
We start off the evening with the aftermath to Portia and Kernya's stupid fight from last week where, well, I'm still not sure what happened. Basically Portia called Kernya an old tramp and Kernya called Portia irrelevant. (PS–If she's really irrelevant, why would you even bother fighting with her?)
Kernya storms off to her room to fume about everything and seemingly hold her face together with her hand. What was Kernya doing with her head? She was holding one hand up to her temple and walking around and recounting the events to Walter, but it never explained why her hand was there. Was she on the phone? Did she call the Drama Police to try to come and arrest Portia for starting drama? Was her mask about to fall off and we would all see that, underneath, Kernya Moo-ah is really an alien squid that is trying to take over the world from the body of a beauty queen? I don't know.
She not only looked ridiculous, but she was saying some ridiculous things too. She said that as the second black Miss USA, she is a part of history. I'm sorry, but being the second black Miss USA is sort of like getting a silver medal in rhythmic gymnastics. Sure, you're written down on the list of people somewhere, but it's not like people are going to start naming holidays after you.
Then she compares herself to Bill Clinton, the first fake black president, and Barack Obama, the first real black president. Yup, that's exactly it. I can't wait for my children to one day attend Kernya Moo-ah Elementary School, because her achievements winning a second-rate beauty pageant in the early '90s are sure going to start inspiring people to dedicate all sorts of things to her.
Also, Kernya once again intoned the name of Gone with the Wind to invoke her place in history.
What does this movie have to do with Kernya's significance? Is it because the first black woman to win an Oscar was in it? I bet it's because it is about history and Kernya thinks she too is about history. Or maybe she sees herself in one of the roles. She probably thinks she's Scarlet O'Hara, but she's really that prostitute who helps out Ashley.
The funny thing is, I think Kernya really believes all this. I think she thinks that she is this important. That is just crazy. I know that I'm only the second best Real Housewives recapper, but I don't think that's even going to get me a free sample from Kim's wig line (if the damn thing ever comes out). But Kernya, no, she thinks that she deserves some sort of recognition for all of her achievements. Guess what, Kernya, you're getting that recognition. It's called being on this damn show. Enjoy it.
Then, in the morning, Kernya gathers up all the women and apologizes for things getting out of hand the night before, but it's one of those apologizes that is really just trying to level Portia. "I'm so sorry that I was rude last night, but this bitch came at me and, well, what did you expect me to do? So, yeah, I did it. Sorries!"
And no one was having it. Even NeNe was like "This means nothing, Kernya apologized and Portia accepted it, but it don't mean nothing." Nope, it sure doesn't, NeNe.
That's the crazy thing about Kernya Moo-ah (oh, if I could figure out the one thing that makes her crazy, I could make a billion dollars selling self-help books).
I don't know if it's being involved in pageants for so long, but Kernya will smile at you and do what is nominally the right thing while simultaneously taking a big fat dump on your shoe. The same thing happens to Cynthia.
They're at this crazy lunch where they're sitting on some wooden platform in the ocean and are threatened with being swept away with the undertoe at any second. But you can't even focus on that, because the real force of nature is Kernya Moore's crazy.
She gives Cynthia a gift for organizing the trip, and it's a signed copy of Vanessa Williams' book. Kernya explains that Vanessa Williams is her idol (even though she was Miss America and not Miss USA, but whatever) and so it seems like it would be a very sweet gesture.
But it is not a sweet gesture. It's like that joke gum that once you put it in your mouth turns to ink and stains your teeth. Kernya also explains that she is giving Cynthia the book because she didn't know that Vanessa Williams is 10 years older than her and there is no way Kernya was that old, so this is a way that Cynthia can educate herself about Vanessa Williams.
Cynthia, because she is smart, sees this as a turd with a bow on it and then she just tosses this book in the surf where it will eventually wash up on a desolate island somewhere in the Caribbean and the indigenous people will one day worship Vanessa Williams as a goddess (as everyone very well should).
After lunch, Cynthia takes this as a time to rehash their last fight at the Bailey School for Wayward Girls and Delicious Pancake Buffet.
She tells Kernya that when you come into her space you have to respect her rules and that she shouldn't crush the dreams of the girls in public at an open call. That is very right.
Kernya says, "Let me tell you a story about Maurice. He was one of the judges at the Miss Michigan pageant and he was the owner of a chain of dry cleaning stores all throughout the Detroit area.
He also did all the flower arrangements for the pageant and was gayer than a three-dollar goose on Christmas. I showed up the first time to try to win so I could go on to be Miss USA and he saw my sequined dress and my tits all hanging out of my swimsuit and he took me aside and said, 'Girrrrrlllll. You could totally win this, but your look is busted. Why you got on all those sequins? Why your titties all up in here. This isn't the Purple Parrot. You're not working your booty for dollars. This is Miss Michigan. If you want to be a part of history, hunty, then you better get some new clothes.' And I was just trying to do the same to her. I was trying to help. And that girl, who I accused of having a coochie crack, she emailed me and said, 'Kernya, thank you for humiliating me in public. Now I know not to show my coochie crack.' See, I was being helpful."
OK, Kernya, you were not. You were not even trying to do that, and trying to mask your picking on this woman and then causing a fight with one of the employees of the Cynthia Bailey Detective Agency and Home for the Blind was not at all helping. That was you being an awful person in public and then trying to find some rationale for it later.
Cynthia calls her out on it and tells Kernya that she was being awful and Kernya, knowing she has no defense falls down in to the sand and starts rolling around. I thought at first this was the Speed Demon that posseses her soul trying to take over and come out.
I thought Kernya was trying to speak in tongues or something and channel the good Lord to apologize for everything she did to Cynthia. But it was not. It was just her trying to distract everyone from her insanity and make it seem like she's a fun girl. She is not.
And her acting insane doesn't mean that the allegations alleged against her are allegedly wrong. They are usually right, and she needs to hear how wrong she is, no matter how many conversations she tries to end by acting insane.
Now, finally, we have to talk about Kernya's fight with Walter. Her insistence to get married, even worse than being crazy, is annoying. She just needs to shut up about getting married, especially because Walter doesn't want to.
When Walter tells everyone, repeatedly, that it's not going to happen, Kernya gets all mad and leaves the table. Walter follows her to explain that he said that eloping might be a good idea and they would see what happened, but she can't get all mad that she's not getting married before leaving the island. It's like getting pissed off at your best friend because he said if he wins the lotto he would take you to Paris and he didn't win the Powerball and still hasn't booked the tickets.
Walter's being stern, but she accuses him of yelling. Excuse me? Crazy Kernya Moo-ah, who yells at everyone, who lies to her boyfriend, who totally makes things up so that she can seem fancy, is trying to school even-keeled Walter because he tried to snap her out of her fantasy land? Oh please. This was all so dumb. That's the problem with Kernya (one of millions) is that her crazy isn't even that interesting. It's just, well, bonkers.
So Walt goes back to dinner and Kernya goes out on the front lawn to cry under a street light, her tears hitting the ground like soft dollops of dew. The sound of the ocean is beating somewhere off in the distance and Kernya, well, she can only think about how she was wronged. She can only think about putting back on her smile and heading back into that dinner party and pretending like she doesn't want to get married. But she can't. They've won.
All the people who said you can't force a man to marry you by dint of insistence. They've all won. A she, once again, is a loser.
Eventually Pheadra will come out and say, in her special way, "Everybody knows the only person who wants a husband is someone who never had one, because they aren't all they're cracked up to be." Eventually she will hug her and walk her back inside and she will sit back down and they'll all say their goodbyes to this island and get back to Atlanta.
Eventually. But right now it's just Kernya and her tears, it's just the glow of the street light casting her long shadow on the grass, it's just the gradient hum of the ocean coming in and out, never stopping, never getting better, never being right, never having to say its wrong.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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Every time December rolls around our televisions are inundated with classic animated Christmas specials. It's as if Santa can't visit until Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and A Charlie Brown Christmas have all told us all about the meaning of Christmas. Well, what about the meanie of Chanukah? Oh, sorry, the meaning of Chanukah. Well, for most gentiles of a certain generation they learned all about it from one cartoon, Rugrats.
Rather than a holiday special, the episode titled "Chanukah" was the first episode of this Nickelodeon cartoon's fourth season, and aired first in December of 1996. It was a big hit with fans, especially those who have a menorah in their homes, since this was one of the first times the Jewish holiday was shown in the drawn squiggles of the animated world. (You can watch it for free on Nickelodeon's website.)
Like most Christmas specials, this show combines a regular story wrapped around explaining the history of the holiday. In this case the familiar Rugrats babies act out the story of Judah Macabee and the miracle of the oil, but they're also dealing with Grandpa Boris, his Chanukah pageant at the senior center, and his rivalry with Schlomo (who the babies mistake as the "meanie" of Chanukah) to be the lead of the play. In a funny nod to children's obsession with holiday-themed episodes of their favorite shows, resident terrible two Angelica is on the hunt for a TV set so that she can watch her beloved doll Cynthia star in very own televised extravaganza. The best part is that the special downplays the gift-giving angle that is usually the capitalistic focus of the holiday and instead focuses on Jewish tradition and the importance of family. It makes Christmas look crass in comparison, but the only cartoons that really focused on the toys were those that featured characters manufactured by Hasbro.
If the spinning of dreidels and the smell of latkes isn't enough to get you in the mood for lighting the menorah, maybe Tommy Pickles and the rest of the crew is just what you need to get you in the mood.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Nickelodeon]
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S3E10: It’s hard to approach this recap because while I’m definitely in the boat of people who are just a few bits of sanity away holding a candle light vigil for Community. Yet, I really didn’t love this episode. Now, don’t get me wrong. It certainly ended on a sweet, satisfying moment that solidified just how much we’re going to miss our little Greendale family. And because of that, I’ll try my best to take some of that Christmas spirit and let it guide me to be a little sweeter even though there were moments of this episode that made me cringe.
”I’ll understand every scene because we’ll sing what we mean instead of making a face.” –Abed (singing)
While I don’t disagree with the criticisms this episode presents for its subject – Glee - I do disagree with a few of the ways the episode goes about it. First, let’s set the scene. The study group is in the cafeteria when the glee club comes in and starts singing terrible mashups of pop songs that should never be glee-ified. (I love that even Shirley vehemently hates the glee club.) Luckily, we’re saved from an unwelcome musical treat because ASCAP comes in and stops them from singing because of copyright laws. Thank God, because after hearing the songs that they came up with for the rest of the episode (Troy’s rap excluded) I was not all that impressed. Anyway, the notion that they can’t perform these songs at regionals lands the glee club in a mental hospital. This, of course, leads us into the point of the whole episode: glee absorbs the study group.
“That guy’s like human fro-yo.” –Troy
I couldn’t have said it better myself – and to Taran Killam’s credit, I don’t think anyone could have portrayed Mr. Rad(ison) quite as terrifyingly as he did. That being said, if I didn’t hate Glee’s Mr. Schue so fervently, I would have been really put off by this very basic caricature of him. He embarks on his sinister goal to get the entire study group in glee club (but Britta can play the silent tree) by ensnaring Abed with the idea that if the glee club’s Christmas pageant doesn’t happen, Christmas won’t happen. (Did anyone else notice the clay figures he had set up? That’s either creepy or a cute little homage to last year’s Christmas episode. Or both.) Abed’s great love of the season overtakes him and he joins the club as the signature Glee doo-wops bloop around in the background.
First he nabs Troy by suggesting that though he’s a Jehovah’s Witness, he can celebrate under the guise of “going behind enemy lines” to investigate the holiday. This leads to that rap – which was released earlier this week and may be my favorite part of the episode – and Donald Glover takes a backseat while Childish Gambino (Glover’s rap alter ego; Google it) takes over and just like that, Troy is taken. Then they take over the study room and turn it into a practice space. Using blatant nostalgic appeals to Pierce’s baby boomer demographic (and Troy’s hilarious Bob Dylan impression) they nab Pierce too.
”Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.” –Jeff
Next, they get Annie and she, in turn nabs Jeff with a “sexy” Betty Boop/Baby routine that honestly would not have been worth sitting through if it wasn’t for Jeff’s line at the end (see above). Yes, Glee over-sexualizes teenagers on occasion – and I’m the first one to point that out, among the series’ multitude of other flaws – but this version of the overall parody left a sour taste in my mouth. Though I’m sure it was really fun for Alison Brie to shoot the scene.
Finally, Pierce nabs Shirley with a gospel choir of young children singing about not being able to call Christmas Jesus’ birthday in school because of all the secular rules. Watching Shirley fight the urge to join the kids is probably one of my top five Shirley moments ever, but of course she eventually breaks and sings out the Lord’s name with the youngsters. This leaves Britta all alone, so she finds Jeff in the hall, but he turns around like a zombie from The Walking Dead, only instead of sunken eyes and festering wounds all over his body, he’s wearing a terrifying smile and a cardigan. Oh the horror!
”You do not get to call Britta the worst.” –Troy
Finally, it’s time for the Christmas pageant and everything’s going well – at least as well as the terrible original songs can go (and you can bet that, in and of itself, is also a dig at Glee’s little original songs stunt last season) – until Abed finds out the truth. Mr. Rad recruiting the group wasn’t about saving Christmas, it was about regionals. And if that wasn’t dastardly enough, Pierce’s welcome exclamations of “What the hell is regionals?” all episode certainly made sure we thought so.
Abed ruins the pageant by sending Britta out to sing “the song that’s in her heart,” which is basically a holiday version of her stoner pizza dance from the multiple timeline episode – but also a welcome respite from the lame holiday song that preceded it. This practically kills Mr. Rad, who all but admits he caused the first glee club’s bus crash and ran off, trying to feign that The Kings of Leon were there as a distraction – which was a bit of a cheap shot at the whole rivalry between the band and the Fox series. All this commotion temporarily ruins Christmas for Abed until the group comes to his door, singing Christmas carols and saying they want to spend the holiday together. They all gather in front of the TV together once more (just like they did last year and just like all their viewers were doing at that moment) to spend the holiday watching the Christmas specials on TV. And that last minute of the episode is why the whole thing worked.
I’m just as annoyed with Glee as the next person. It’s become lazy and it does put songs in place of actual dialogue or emotion, but there’s nothing wrong with that. It reminds me of the first documentary spoof Community did. Technically, it poked fun at the medium that many of the series’ Thursday night cohorts employ, but it was done so thoughtfully and carefully. It was done intelligently. This week’s episode, while parodying a show that is admittedly poorly-written most of the time and certainly doesn’t merit the praise of mockumentary shows like Parks and Recreation or The Office a few years ago, Community fans merit a better episode, better commentary, and better parody of the subject at hand. Luckily the episode landed on the right note, and that line, “We’ll see you after regionals,” was tinged with a little more sadness than it was likely originally intended due to the show’s circumstances. Plus, I have to admit, as half-assed as a lot of the parody bits were, the cast’s comedic timing and delivery always manage to make me laugh out loud. Who cares that the story was a bit weak this time around? It’s the last episode we have before the dreaded undetermined hiatus gets underway, and it’s Christmas. Let’s just cherish the episode for what it is – and I’ll try to ignore the weird dance moves Jeff was doing in that pageant.

Thursday, Dec. 8
Top Tier
Community
8 p.m. ET/PT on NBC
"Regional Holiday Music"
Before we bid TTFN (ta-ta-for-now, to you non Tigger-loving folks) to one of the best shows soon-to-no-longer-be on television, Community is serving up a nice big helping of holiday cheer. Guest star Taran Killam (SNL) plays the choir director who manages to convince our buncha losers study group to fill in for the glee club in the Christmas pageant. Oh, happy day.
Parks and Recreation
8:30 p.m. ET/PT on NBC
"Citizen Knope"
If there was ever a television character I wished I could be friends with at this merry time of year, it would be Leslie Knope. The episode focuses on her hard work for the Parks Dept., but we also see what a perfect gift-giver she is and witness her friends and coworkers trying desperately to return the favor. She may just be the most amazing fictional person on television.
Person of Interest
9 p.m. ET/PT on CBS
"Get Carter"
It finally happened. All season, Finch and Reese have been dealing with numbers that related to strangers. But now, the system sends out information that could get both of them in a whole lot of trouble. This week's person of interest is none other than Detective Carter, which means they must protect her without her ever knowing. The stakes are certainly raised; well done, Jonathan Nolan.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
10 p.m. ET/PT on FX
"The High School Reunion"
It's exactly what it sounds like and it's a two-parter. Think you should watch something else? You're so stupid. And yes, that's an obnoxious reference, not me being mean for no reason.
Alternates
The Office
9 p.m. ET/PT on NBC
"Christmas Wishes"
It's the annual Office Christmas episode, you may have to watch just out of curiosity. What will be like without Michael?
The League
10:30 p.m. ET/PT on FX
"The Light of Genesis"
Eliza Dushku guest stars as a bit of a temptation for Kevin and Ruxin needs rescuing after getting involved with a cult. How is this show not more popular?