It's what I need to do

5 days later…

Guilt has me a bit. While I have been busy, I could have taken some time to write, but by the end of each of the last 5 days I was too tired. Right now, I’m writing this because I had this shit in my head before I went to bed and it won’t let me sleep. I wish I could say that I’ve been penning the book, that I had a few chapters written, but that isn’t the case.

I have been Spring cleaning. It was needed. I still have some to do. My daughter is helping because she needs things to keep her busy until her gecko gets here. He was supposed to arrive on Tuesday, but weather is not permitting He won’t be arriving til Thursday…weather permitting. She says she’s the most impatient person she knows. She doesn’t know that many people well enough to determine that.

I got to spend some valuable time with a great friend today. I miss her. We will definitely not wait that long to hang out again. We caught up after not hanging out for months. It was nice.

I sit here in my guilt at 3:45 am. I wrote a conversation to use in my book. A short one. When I think about it all I think there are two possibilities. One is that, an excuse I use often, I have an innate fear of failure. A while back, though, someone suggested that I may not have a fear of failure, that it might be a fear of success. Failure wouldn’t necessarily bring about much change in my life. It’s a crutch I can hold onto as I have for so many years. Success, though, well, that could change a lot of things. Including how I look at myself. I honestly don’t know which it is.

I don’t even know if I write well enough to publish. I feel like I can, but I don’t really know for sure. I’ve read some shit. Like, open the book and the stink slithers from between the pages into my flaring nostrils. Some are really revolting. I want to put it down, but I can’t because I can’t believe it continues for an entire novel. Then the end comes & it’s all just shit. Laughable. Then I think, I KNOW I can do better than that…

I want to do this book, though. Not just for me, for her. She likes the conception of it & she likes what I have written so far. I must persevere. After my Spring cleaning distraction. I have a bit more to do.

In the meantime, I will catch up on the prompts. I don’t prank, so this one is in lieu of the prank one. I don’t know how to prank & I really haven’t been pranked. I also don’t like watching people feel humiliated. The rest of the prompts are good. I need to get into them.