A blog on the day to day life of a teenage girl with severe depression and how she copes whilst moving on with her life.

The Lucy Eperience

Sunday, 19 January 2014

It's not about the speed, It's about the distance...

This is such a great quote... ''It's not about the speed, It's about the distance'' because I can see it in two different ways.

The first way is for running, to increase your speed you must first increase distance, the better your stamina of running a longer distance, naturally, the faster you will get.

The second ways is for recovery. It frustrates me a lot to think that after 3 years free of SD, I have not recovered, I am still depressed, I still get urges to self harm and I still think at times the world would be so much better without me, but I have to force myself to look back. This time two years ago I was writing suicide notes, cutting into my body and in constant tears, and now I only think about these things. I may not be recovering quickly, but the distance I have covered is much more impressive. I have lived two years longer than I thought I would, I can put a smile on my face, do some things that I love, I can have some really shitty times, but I can also have some amazing times! Me and Rob have the most fantastic memories, we have a great future ahead of us, me and mum are closer than I ever imagined and I have met the most amazing people and friends, people who I would not have spoke to last year because I thought they would hate me because I have a mental health problem, but everyone talks to me about it, they call me an 'inspiration' and tell me I am brave. And one day I might actually believe them!

The distance I have covered going through my recovery right now is fantastic, I'm starting to care less about the speed of it and more about how much further I can go.

Writing a blog like this is very draining, especially on something so personal, at times it reduces me to tears writing about it, especially writing about the abuse that occurred. All my memories, although they started eight years ago, they still seem so fresh and vivid, my mind constantly reminds me of what happened, I become so panicked if someone moves two quickly towards me or grabs my wrists, and it is something that I don't think I will ever truly get over, I understand that.

My recovery may never be 100%, I know my memories will always be there, but what happened to me impacted my life more than ever. It changed my life, both good and bad. I was so close to suicide that I now understand people and what they go through, it is easy to see for me when someone is being hurt, or close to a break down, I understand people when they say they are having a real 'down day', I know at times constantly asking a friends 'are you okay' just is not good enough, I know (by experience) being told to 'grow up and get over it' just drives you further into your dark tunnel, I know that even a funny look off a stranger can reduce you to tears in public, and I know that there are people on this earth that do not believe mental health problems are real illnesses. And that is what needs addressing.

You wouldn't tell someone with cancer to 'get over it'.
You wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg that it's not a real problem.
You wouldn't tell someone in a wheel chair to 'grow up and stop moping around'.
So why tell a person with no confidence, no happiness, someone who is so close to ending their own life because there is a persistent voice in their head telling them to do it? Why would you say something so horrible? It could be the smallest push they need in the wrong direction that could cause another scar, or to take an overdose. It could be one horrible word that would make them jump, just so they can escape their misery. But you could give them a push in the right direction, tell them that you're there, that you can see that there is something wrong when they say them words 'I'm fine'. You could be the smile that brightens their day up, the person who says 'I care' and stops them from jumping, You could be the person who gives them a reason not to cut themselves.
You be the person who helps to restore faith in that persons humanity, and most of all, you could be their life saver.

Right now I am excited to use this blog post for 'Blog for mental health 2014' !
And this is the pledge...

I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma!

For anyone who would like to join this pledge, the link will be posted below:

http://www.acanvasoftheminds.com

And it is such a great idea! I love writing as it helps me and my readers, It helps to release my stress, and it also helps me as I know thousands of people are on my side, not against me. And that is one thing I need in my life.