8 Things People Should STFU About on Facebook

Facebook is great, obviously, but it — or, more accurately, the people on it — can also be super annoying. In fact, here are eight of those annoying things people really need to STFU about.

But before you read any further you must go ‘like’ Jack FM on Facebook. If you don’t, something terrible will happen. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Where you’re eating dinner (check-ins). You might as well update your status to “Hey, if you wanna murder me, I’m at the corner of Elmwood and Delaware RIGHT NOW. I’ve already duck-taped my mouth and left out some gloves for you so you don’t have to worry about that annoying DNA crap, LOL. Anyways, text me when you get here!”

Murder aside though, check-ins are just annoying. Who cares that you’re at Darien Lake or out to dinner with some friends? It’s bad enough that we already have to deal with the Instagrammed shots of your food.

How in love you are. How much is too much to share about your love life on Facebook? Everyone has her own personal threshold of what her stomach can take. For me, the line is crossed when a friend posts pictures of her and her boyfriend lying in bed together with some incredibly contemplative caption like, “J.” For someone else, perhaps it’s one too many mobile uploads of an engagement ring, or two lovers having full-blown conversations via wall posts.

But there are other reasons that you may not want to share too much about your significant other on Facebook. Like, say you’re just a regular dude trying to live a double life without either of your wives knowing. I’m no con artist expert, but if you are, then you might, oh I don’t know, not want to brag about it on the Internet.

Tagging me in pictures I’m not in. Because I’m not in that picture. And also, this.

Your kids. When I posted 329 pictures of my stomach from different angles on Facebook, it got, like, zero ‘likes.’ Turns out you have to be PREGNANT for people to be excited over those kinds of pics.

Apparently people follow different Facebook rules during and after pregnancy. One rule is that after having children, you no longer need a profile picture of yourself anymore. Who wants to look at your face when they can look at your adorable, special, 2-year-old brat or an ultrasound that, let’s be serious, just looks like a Rorschach test?

We get it. You love your kids, nothing else matters, and you want to tell the world. But just be aware that something like this could happen to you.

Every little thing you’re doing. Something I’ve learned from my Facebook friends is that some of them “wish it was Friday!” A lot of them are “ugh so tired today lol.” My personal favorite, though, is the passive-aggressive, indirect text — i.e., “some ppl need to get off their high horse and start actin their age.”

Let’s chill out a little with the details of our lives we feel we must document on the Internet. Seriously, I can speak for the ENTIRE WORLD when I say that literally no one cares that you’re tired, or that you just brushed your teeth, or that your status contains subtext. Plus, if you get too much in the habit of updating every last thing you do, it might bite you in the ass later.

Changing your profile picture multiple times and forgetting to delete the rejected versions. There’s truly nothing sadder than catching someone on your mini-feed in the process of trying out a new profile picture and forgetting to delete the old pictures after deciding on a final. This is especially awful when the pics they’re deciding between are clearly self-timed shots on their webcam or iPhone that vary only by the tiniest adjustment of head tilt or facial expression.

Farmville. I take that back — there is something more depressing than the last item on this list, and that’s when random people from your high school that you haven’t spoken to in years (or maybe someone you don’t even remember how you know in real life!) start asking you to feed their chickens or water their imaginary crops. Thankfully, Farmville is less of a thing these days…which makes it extra depressing if you’re someone who’s still playing.

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