Yes Virgina, there is global warming

A neighbour’s kid raised an interesting question after checking out photos showing climate change turning the North Pole into open water: will Santa’s toy factory sink?

No, Virginia, Santa won’t be scuba diving to work any time soon, but any youngster asking the question has provided their parents with a dreaded answer. Sadly, it’s time for The Talk.

The rest of this column is rated PG-under-10, so hide it from curious youngsters, but any preteen grasping the potential consequences of global warming is ready to confront the harsh reality about jolly old Saint Nicholas.

The correct age to reveal the bogus Santa clause in the growing-up guidebook is a painfully difficult call for parents. Having done the dirty deed three times, I can tell you there’s no joy in seeing the true believer twinkle in their eyes fade when they hear Santa is ‘the spiritual leader of giving’ instead of an actual generous geezer with a chimney fetish. The birds and bees chat is much easier.

But, to spare them the humiliation of being, like me, the last kid in the village to be enlightened, my advice is to limit the Santa concept to those of a single-digit age.

My overly protective father seemed to think my belief in Santa should persist until my Christmas wishlist included an electric razor and a Penthouse subscription.

It wasn’t as if I didn’t sense something was amiss in all the holiday hype.

The notion of selling ‘stocking stuffers’ in the Eatons catalogue was baffling. Why would anyone need to buy items to fill a stocking that Santa personally stuffed?

The Santa-in-every-store concept bothered me. They were all sporting fake beards and pillow-enhanced bellies, yet they all insisted they were the real deal and my mother’s explanation that they were ‘Santa’s elves’ didn’t mesh with the Disney image of those tiny perfect helpers. Besides, shouldn’t they all be busy at the North Pole?

And how those nasty, bullying, rich kids always got the expensive must-have toys while the angels living on the wrong side of the tracks only found a cheap pair of slippers under the tree seemed grossly unfair coming from someone supposedly determined to reward children for good behaviour.

Yet, despite my suspicions, actual confirmation of the Santa mythology didn’t come until I was at least 10 from a younger kid next door, who laughed pretty hard when I confided to her my wanna-have Santa wishlist.

It’s obviously a decision for parents to make on their own and you should be aware that your child may only be pretending to believe to pressure parents into coughing up more gifts. But consider these as clear hints that the moment of truth is at hand.

2. If you catch the child trying to Google Street View the North Pole, they’re clearly suspicious.

3. When the questions turn to the improbables of a single reindeer’s red nose providing a beacon of light through a blizzard, concerns for Santa’s cholesterol levels from all those cookies or whether insurance covers roof damage should a sled land on it without snow, well, they’re clearly ready for the bad news — and high school.

If having that revealing conversation seems too difficult to engage, you can always chicken out by leaving this column on their bedside table and hiding downstairs.

Yes, Virginias everywhere, there is a Santa Claus. But you know him as Dad or Mom and you’d better clean up your room if you want some decent presents.

Sadly for all of us, that means there is no risk of Santa’s workshop sinking beneath a balmy North Pole.

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