The Style InvitationalWeek 318: Hyphen the TerribleSunday, April 18, 1999birth-less – adj., a word used to describe Adam and Eve.

follow-ween – n., November 1.

hard-day – n., Wednesday.

offend-lite – n., a minor social indiscretion, such as a dainty belch.

follow-less – n., the act of leaving a trail of pebbles instead of breadcrumbs, a la Hansel & Gretel

care-lite – n., services offered by an HMO

This week's contest: Combine the first half of any hyphenated word in a
story in today's paper with the second part of a different hyphenated
word from the same story, and provide a new definition. The examples
above are from today's Miss Manners column. Make sure you tell us from
which story your words were chosen. The first-prize winner receives an
original painting of two toy poodles seated on a chair, donated by the
prestigious Annie Groer Collection. This painting is framed in cheap
wood that has been singed by a soldering iron for that classic "cheap
wood singed by a soldering iron" look. For a review of the artwork
itself, we approached Paul Richard, The Washington Post's art critic.
Paul believes that all art is an effort to summon the unseen, and
therefore is worthy of respect; he will never flatly declare any piece
to be "bad." (That would be cruel, he says, "like calling a disfigured
person ugly.") So we challenged him to examine this painting and not
call it "bad." He scrutinized it, paying particular attention to the
brushstrokes, which appeared to have been rendered with a paintbrush
from Home Depot. He examined the use of color, which appeared to be
influenced by Crayola. His verdict: "You may quote me as follows: It is
poignantly bad."

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser
Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser
T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style
Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of
humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week
318, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071;
fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address:
losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in
the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which
tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April
26. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number.
Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the
right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase
necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Russell Beland of
Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their
immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 315, in which we asked you to write a rhyming poem
about any one of five mundane subjects: cheese, bellybuttons, Nyquil,
the lint trap in a dryer, or U.S. Trade Representative Charlene
Barshefsky.

But first: For the second time in two months, we have received word that
a recent winning entry was not original. The concept of a store named
"The Caveat Emptorium" evidently first appeared in an obscure novel
published many years ago. The book was titled, er, "Gone With the Wind."
Anyway, we debriefed the individual who submitted the entry, applied
electrodes to his moist areas, etc., and became convinced he had never
before heard the expression, and was guiltless of theft; indeed, no male
human being on Earth has ever actually read "GWTW." Still, we hereby
issue this warning: Don't submit an entry if you think you might have
maybe perhaps heard it somewheres before, like from your Uncle Phil.
Because your Uncle Phil is an idiot, and he probably stole it from Soupy
Sales. Remember: If you submit a plagiarized entry under your name, it
is not your Uncle Phil who will be humiliated in print and have to move
to Tibet.

Back to the poems:

Fourth Runner-Up:

A mouse in the house has been running amuck

I've poisoned and glue-trapped and such with no luck.

I've patched all the mouse holes with galvanized tin.

I can't understand how that rodent gets in.

The lint trap! That's it! He gets in through the vent!

So I plugged up the gap with some Portland cement

Which clogged up the lint trap, igniting the house.

Now I'm out of the street – but I'm rid of the mouse.

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Third Runner-Up:

I go to Europe feeling hurt that cheese is thought of as dessert.

The Frenchman mutters "quelle dommage" if parted from his swell

fromage.

The English love their Double Gloucester;

He who doesn't? An impoucester!

The Spaniard too (I heard one say so) will sometimes end his meal

con queso.

Cheese or sweets? Or will it do to have my cakes and Edam, too?

(David Smith, Berkeley, Calif.)

Second Runner-Up:

Charlene Barshefsky, trading chief.

I would not trade thee for Janet Reno

Or a slab of bacon, or a side of beef

Some ripe bananas, or a case of Beano.

Nor e'en for a furry toilet seat

That hosted many pompous derrieres.

Thou art my Love; thou aren't swap meat.

I just wish you would lower your barriers.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

First Runner-Up:

Of bellybuttons we shall never tire.

Rub two together, and start a fire.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)u And the winner of theashtray from Graceland: