Sunday, January 31, 2016

Young people texting use a different language that parents often don't understand. Add to that predictive text and unfamiliarity with new technology and you sometimes have amusing results. I don't know if any of the following are true or have been made up, but they are possible and plausible . . .

As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at any time, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.

He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. “Well,” the trainer said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.”

The man was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where they were.

Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before?

Failure is part of learning; we should never give up the struggle in life.

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve rolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."

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What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome?

Yukanol Fukov.

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Australia:

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A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."

"You there Boss?"

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What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats roots and leaves.

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A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:

Customs Officer: How long do you intend to stay?

Pom: One week.

Customs Officer: What is the nature of this trip?

Pom: Business.

Customs Officer : Do you have any past criminal convictions?

Pom: I didn't think we still needed to!

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America:

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I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

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An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it with her all night. She kept screaming, “Fujifoo! Fujifoo!” The American thought she was screaming in pleasure.

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.

Wanting to impress the clients, he shouted “Fujifoo!”

One of the Japanese men looked at him with a very confused look on his face and said, “No, you got the right hole.”

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An American, an Indian (ie from India) and an Englisman are in the hospital waiting room together, all three of their wives about to give birth.

When the doctor comes out and says “I’m terribly sorry, but we’ve had a mix up and we don’t know which baby is which.”

As this is a joke, rather than immediately contacting their lawyers, they agreed amongst themselves that they’d go and see if they could tell, if they felt a special connection to one, for example.

The Englishman entered the room first, as is his right, and was in there for 15 minutes, before emerging with what was, for various reasons, clearly the Indian man’s son.

The Indian pointed this out immediately and the Englishman replied “I know, but one of the others is American and I’m not taking the risk.”

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Corn corner:

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

A: Snowballs.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

Thursday, January 28, 2016

“Thus we never see the true state of our condition till it is illustrated to us by its contraries, nor know how to value what we enjoy, but by the want of it.”

― Daniel Defoe (1660-1731) , Robinson Crusoe

Daniel Defoe was an English writer, journalist and spy, who gained enduring fame for his novel Robinson Crusoe. Defoe is notable for being one of the earliest practitioners of the novel and helped popularize the genre in Britain. In some texts he is even referred to as one of the founders, if not the founder, of the English novel. A prolific and versatile writer, he wrote over five hundred books, pamphlets, and journals on various topics (including politics, crime, religion, marriage, psychology and the supernatural).