Top 30 Funniest New Year’s Resolutions

Every single year people make brand new resolutions, and they hope against hope that they will somehow stick to them. This usually does not happen, but there’s nothing wrong in getting a little creative with your New Year’s resolve. At least you have something to look forward for to in future. Here are some of the funniest New Years Resolutions that we have found.

1. I promise to buy a brand new scale, because my mind keeps reading the same old numbers.

2. I will stop checking my Facebook feed every five minutes, especially when I have to learn for an exam. I will also refrain from adding embarrassing photos of my friends.

3. I will no longer sit in front of the computer screen all day. I will only stay one hour a day. Nevertheless, this will be difficult to do because I am not a clock watcher.

4. I will play more computer games. Studies have shown that they improve visual skills, reflexes and dexterity.

5. I promise to clean my room once a week, even if last year I only cleaned it when I had friends over.

6. Never again will I fall for the cute guy/girl with a dark past.

7. I’m gonna go on a diet and exercise everyday. I will definitely loose weight this… oh wait, is that cake?

8. I don’t have a New Year’s resolution. You don’t need them when you’re perfect.

8.

9. I will not tell my potential employer that I have trouble with the authorities.

10. I will protect children by not texting on my phone while eating junk-food and speeding through crosswalks in school zone while my windshield is covered with frost.

11. I will eat more fruit… snacks!

12. I will start a blog about my feelings and then bitch about how I don’t have anything interesting to write about.

13. I will stop saying how hot women on television are when I’m with my girlfriend. Instead, I will say how intelligent they are, this way I will not sound like the typical idiotic male.

14. I will stop pretending that’s it’s not time to take out the garbage by repeatedly smashing the trash with my arms. It’s way better to take it out than to have my hands hurt all day.

15.

16. I will only eat white snow from now on.

17. I will always wear sexy underwear, “just in case”.

18. I will never again wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.

19. I will come up with better excuses for taking leaves. This way my boss will believe me.

20. I will put an end to procrastination once and for all.

21. Every time I type a smiley face I will actually laugh-out-loud.

22. I will drive by the fitness center at least once a week to pay my respects.

23.

24. I will stop considering other people’s feelings, since they obviously don’t care about mine.

25. I will definitely sleep like a normal person: no more movies ’till 4.A.M. in the morning. Also, I will leave my smart-phone in the kitchen, just in case.

26. I will avoid taking baths often in order to conserve water.

27. I will stop liking my friend’s status only because I like the person who posted it.

28. I will use my treadmill for something else than hanging my jacket.

29. I will stop eating medicine that looks like candy.

30. Never again will I ingest quantities of alcohol that surpass my body’s limit.

31. I will stop blaming my dog for farting whenever I let one slip.

32. I will stop setting three alarms on my phone just so I can turn the volume off after the first one.

33. Instead of losing weight I vow to not gain anymore. First figure out how to maintain weight, then plan how to lose it.

34. I will start saving for the future, the very imminent future.

35. I will make time for my favorite activities. Like procrastinating. Oh wait, I’m already doing this.

36.

37. I need to start eating more healthy, but I have to finish all the junk food first so I don’t get tempted.

38. My New Year’s resolve is to make better bad decisions.

39. I will finally get rid of all the clothes that I know I will never again wear.

40. I will stop making New Year’s resolutions. I never keep them anyway.

About Fred Mitchell

I like midnight surfing and going for jogs at sunrise with my my golden retriever, Charlie. When I'm not studying Russian literature or reading Dostoievski, you can find me playing video games like Witcher 3 or Battlefield Hardline, or hanging out in Starbucks sipping an Americano. I never leave the house without my phone and saying I am a social media addict would definitely not be an understatement.