Tag: emotions

I live my life inside my head. I often want to tell you everything that goes on in it, but can’t seem to find the right words. And even if I did, I won’t possibly know where to begin!

Sometimes I wonder if you’d even understand if I told you. I wonder what you’d think of me. Would you like me more? Would you hate me for it? Would you think of me as strange? See….now I’m overthinking! This is what happens most of the time. I want to tell you one thing, and my mind spirals into something else all-together.

I get distracted very easily. I like to look at the skies while walking. I would almost ALWAYS stop to admire a little puppy or a cat on the road. I would sometimes talk to the old beggar or the kid playing on the footpath. I would look at the vendors in the market and wonder what they do once they return home at night. Oh, and it’s a different ballgame altogether when I’m by the sea.

I like to take in as much of it as I can. The smell of fish, the feel of salt on my skin, the noise of waves crashing, the sticky breeze flowing through my hair, all of it stimulates my being. I can spend hours just being there, feeling it drip in, bit by bit.

But you know what? That’s me even otherwise. I’m hardly a passive bystander in life. I’m actively processing everything that’s going on around me. It might come as a surprise to you, considering how lost I look, but inside me- I’m alive with imagination.

That’s why I like to take my time while I’m outdoors. Actually wait, not just the outdoors. I hate to rush anything. Be it eating a meal, reading a book, talking to you or simply strolling in the park by myself. I like to take things slow. Relishing each and every moment. It’s as though my mind is constantly imprinting each and every detail, trying to make sense out of it all. Continuously weaving a story.

Amidst all this, I’m contemplating life. Sometimes death. In the middle of the night I have dark thoughts of losing people I love in some freak accident. It gets my heart thumping, I wake up all sweaty, trying to catch my breath. Other times, I imagine what would happen if I died. Would it matter to people at all? Would it make you cry for days? I wonder if I have had any impact on the lives of people I’ve met in my lifetime. I wonder if they remember me fondly. Are any of them thinking about me right now? Do they recollect their time spent with me with a smile on their faces? Do I have any haters? I bet I do. All those arguments on Facebook and Whatsapp groups ought to have made me some enemies.

Well I can’t really help it. I have opinions and I feel strongly about them. It’s either yes or a no, there’s no “maybe” in my dictionary. I can be completely detached and not even blink about things or people I don’t care about. I can be distant and cold hearted. I can be cruelly unemotional at times. But mostly I’m brimming with emotions. I’m raging with anger every morning when I read of corrupt politicians, I’m filled with empathy when I find old people shivering in the cold- begging for a meal, I’m amazed to see the stars shine bright through the polluted skies on a tiring monday evening, my eyes tear up when I listen to a song that I like, my heart skips a beat when I think of you.

Talking of you; I think of you every other minute. At times I feel so happy that you exist that I start sobbing. I imagine ways in which I can show you how much I love you. I want to call you right at that moment and tell you that you’re the best thing that’s happened to me. But I know I would be dumbstruck. That’s why I write to you. It helps me align my emotions with my mind. I often picture you smiling at me, or looking at your phone with your eyebrows furrowed as you read a mail from work. Sometimes I picture you gobbling down food or staring into space as your cigarette burns itself out. Other times I imagine you gently caressing my hair as we kiss. I imagine your warm body curled up against mine. I wonder what goes on in your mind when you look at me? I wish I could get inside your head and understand what is it that you love about me. What is it that you hate. What is it that you wish you could change about me. I wonder if you look at me and think about the same things. But sometimes I have this gripping fear of losing all this happiness somehow. What if I disappointed you? What if something terrible happens to you, or me? What if you contract amnesia and forget that I ever existed! Oh God, so many things that could go wrong! Do you know what do I do when that happens? I pray.

Surprised? Well, it’s because now I have so much at hand that I might lose! I pray that I always find my way to you, and you to me. I pray that we rise above our differences and remember what we love about each other when times get tough. I pray that we strive to understand each other. I pray that you’re always happy. I pray that you’re always surrounded by family and loved ones who genuinely care about you. But mostly, I ask the universe/God to help us grow with each other every day. I have only you to thank for all this praying and talking to the universe!

You’d say I worry too much. I’d say, yes, “I worry, I worry”, but that’s just how I am! But it’s not all that bad always. It’s just that my mind just works overtime. Imagining the infinite possibilities of life. Perpetually finding my space in each moment. Finding my purpose in the universal story. Collecting moments & memories from my everyday life in my head. And as an over-thinker I pride myself for it. For if not an over-thinker, I can’t possibly imagine what else I’d be. Or, can I?

This 25 year old isn’t your average joe. Having earned his place in the MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) circuit, he has come a long way from being a lanky teenager. At first glance, towering at 6 feet and dressed in a cargo jacket, Farhan Siddiqui looked straight off an army camp, but his jovial demeanor was in stark contrast to his appearance. As we exchange pleasantries and settle down with a cup of coffee, he begins narrating his story with a sudden intensity!

As a kid, Farhan loved to watch WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) on the television and imitate his favorite wrestler, “The Undertaker”. This fascination with wrestling and combat was what attracted him to MMA. “I observed that the gloves used by MMA fighters were very different than other combat fighters and so was their technique”, says Farhan. Curious to know more about the sport, he convinced his father, who was very much against “ladaai-jhagda”, to let him enrol in a one month MMA class. Having extended the class without his parent’s permission, 3 months into training, Farhan had already fought his first professional fight; which was rare for a student with no prior fight history.

However he says, his turning point was when he fought in the India v/s France match in which he suffered a bloodied defeat. Bruised and broken, he picked up where he left, trained rigorously for 6 months and won the next match he fought in. “That’s where I got my stage name Furious Farhan”, he beams. But with no financial assistance from his family he had to take up day jobs to support his MMA ambitions. From being a salesperson, to a marketeer and a personal fitness trainer in local gyms, Farhan took every job opportunity that came his way. “I would work during the day and train at night without any coaching”, says Farhan.

Despite the hardships, there has been no turning back since his first tryst with the sport. Amidst all this, Farhan has successfully coached 3 national level champions at AIMMAA (All India Mixed Martial Artists Assosiation), trained over 600 women in self defence with the help of TCS (Tata Consultancy Services) and innumerable other clients in the field of Martial Arts and first- hand combat.

When asked on what keeps him going, he says, “My firm belief in the Almighty and my stubbornness to hold on to my dreams!”

A foodie at heart Farhan loves trying out new cuisines as much as he loves travelling. He says, his recent trip to China representing the CFK (Chinese Kung Fu Federation) was the most memorable one yet, but he loves the himalayan ranges and makes it a point to visit them every few years. Farhan also enjoys being in front of the camera. He often films videos of his rehearsals and training sessions for his social media pages. This fascination also got him featured in MTV’s Indies music series. [You can watch the video here: https://youtu.be/siPJV-F1V2I ]

Apart from this, when asked about future plans, he says he wishes to go abroad and join a MMA federation that can support his ambitions. Sighting infinite loopholes in the Indian MMA federations, he says many budding fighters and athletes slip between the cracks due to the apathy on the federation’s part, “The politics in the Indian federation restricts growth of budding fighters, it’s a shame” he adds.

On a positive note, the things that top his list of plans for the future are- fighting 500 matches and becoming the next best Indian featherweight champion in the pound-per-pound category.

“I never thought I’d come this far, but now that I am here, I only want the best there is”, he ends with a determined smile.

For those who want some inspiration to get off your couch and chase your dreams, here’s a video of Farhan’s story to push you: https://goo.gl/nfWRAu

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I have known Farhan for over 5 years now. And throughout the years he has only gotten better at what he does. There aren’t many people who are determined enough to cling onto dreams when it gets tough. Farhan is someone I’ve personally learnt how to be “dheet” (stubborn) and fight for my passion and beliefs. But most of all I think his story is worth listening to!

This blog is about my experience at a Blind girl’s wedding. Both emotional & inspirational this story is close to my heart!

Calm and unfazed, Premala sits smiling even as others frantically move about running last minute errands. Premala is getting married today! She says that in her 23 years of life, this is her happiest day.

She pouts & holds, as I line her lips with the deep red shade of lipstick that her guardian selected. Why her guardian you ask? Well, ever since Premala lost her sight when she was 10, her parents kept her at a distance. Too poor to look after a blind child who was also happened to be a girl, her parents dropped her at a school for the visually challenged children & never really intended to look back & take her home again.

I look at her dimpled smile as she chatters with the guests. The way she blushes when someone mentions the name of the groom. And emotions flood my brain. I’m at loss of words as to how someone who is missing such an important aspect of life is so positive. I am at awe of her nonchalant grace.

She suddenly bursts into a song in Marathi & sings a couple of verses in her beautiful voice. Her voice so confident & clear, stuns everyone in the room. Her voice managed to silence an entire room of cackling relatives and friends, at a wedding house! And then, she abruptly stops and asks me if her lipstick has smudged because of the singing. The women giggle as they hear her naive questions & tell her not to worry too much about the lipstick, to which she stubbornly replies that she wants another coat of lipstick! “It’s my wedding and I want to look the prettiest in the room.”, she says pouting again.

For some reason Premala had taken an instant liking to me ever since I first met her. Even at her wedding I was her maid-of-honor of sorts.

As I head towards her she asks me what I’m wearing. After all, she wouldn’t want her “didi” (sister) to look under-dressed at her wedding. I tell her I’m wearing a floral dress. I see her face light up! She asks to me come closer so she can feel the dress with her hands to know what a dress feels like, “I’ve never worn one didi, come closer, I want to SEE how your dress looks.” She runs her fingers through the creases of my dress and then looks at me with a smile and says something I will never be able to forget, “You look Beautiful didi.”

That one statement had tears flowing down my cheeks. I told her that she looks beautiful and all the guests were in love with her saree and her radiant smile returned!

This was followed by the wedding ceremony that was held in a church. I bore the bride’s trail. I was by her side until she was finally united with her husband, Sharad Patil who is a visually challenged person himself.

It was so beautiful to see how these two souls found each other. Their blinded vision didn’t stop them from finding love. Just because Premala didn’t see colours didn’t stop her from dreaming of rainbows and chasing behind them. At 23 she has a college degree in biblical studies and aims at reaching out to young girls like her.

If this isn’t inspiring I don’t know what is!

Many of us complain about things that don’t even matter. We are never satisfied and crib about everything that comes our way. Inspite of having the best education, best parents & friends to love us we point out to that one thing that we might NOT have. That one dress that you can’t afford or maybe that bike that your dad refused to buy.

One failed relationship and we give up on life, one test gone bad and we are ready to jump off the 17th floor of a building.

Sometimes all we need to do is look around us and absorb the strength and determination to keep going. Hey, no one said it’s going to be an easy ride. Take Premala for instance, she’s got it the worst way possible. An abandoned blind girl child, who had to fend for herself. But instead of letting all of this hurt and disappointment take a hold over her, she decided to give life a second chance, then a third & a fourth! Until she finally found what she was looking for. Purpose in life & someone to love. And that’s amazing!

Hopefully someday there will be more of Premalas in this world that gives up so easily. A world that fails to see the beauty in the little things. A world that has forgotten to be grateful.

“The hospital is a strange place . It’s a place where happiness and sadness co-exist . There is a continuous cycle of birth and death in action . Its a place that can turn an atheist into a disciple ,but at the same time, it can push someone to the limits of disowning their faith . Fate bought me to this strange place . I waited at the lobby with about 50 others for my turn . Each of us probably had the same hope in our hearts .The same eagerness to return home with our loved ones . I could see a man nervously fidgeting with his phone , two women who murmured and sighed occasionally and a child who cried incessantly in his mother’s arms . But inspite of all the commotion ; there was an unsaid silence , a disagreeable gloom over the place .There was an uneasy feeling running through all of our skins , and no matter what we did , we couldn’t shake it off .
And then all of a sudden I heard a loud thundering voice ,”Relatives of Rosily Palaian ? ” . The voice startled me ! Almost Picking myself up, I approached the half open door in front of me .
At first I desperately searched for a familiar face but couldn’t . After looking around for quite a while I found her .
Her eyes seemed that of a stranger’s . It was dull and lifeless and dazed with morphine . The Air conditioning was a little too cold for her comfort . She kept groaning and twisting about in her 6/4 bed in an unsuccessful attempt to get off it . I could barely recognise her . The ICU had turned her into a completely different person . Even from a distance I could clearly say that she was in pain . The hands that once pinned my hair in braids were now swollen nubs . Her lips seemed parched and dry and had cracks all over . She tried to call out my name but either she couldn’t recollect it, or she had no strength to do so . The infinite tubes and wires entangled around her like snakes .

I could barely stop the tears streaming down my eyes . I couldn’t imagine how she ever got here . To this place that resembled a nightmare . How could she become this person ?
She had forgotten who she was . I remember , her running around the house , busy with her errands . I remember how she loved to eat sweets even though her doctor had advised otherwise .
But the person I was seeing before me wasn’t her .
At that moment I realised that the person we were trying to save , was already lost . Even if she did get better , we could never recover her spirit . We could never recover HER”

This happened a week before my grandmother finally passed away . And a part of me was relieved to see her pain and agony finally end .
As ironic as irony could get , she died on her birthday . Her life had literally come around in a complete circle . She had suffered more than she deserved . Why ? I can’t say . But inspite of all the wounds that scarred her life she remained the meek and humble soul that she was . Now that I think about it , I can’t say she was talented or had an extraordinary personality . She spent most of her day in the kitchen .Didn’t have many friends to socialise with . Her family was all she had . We her children and grandchildren were the source of all her happiness . And that’s why it hurts so much to realise that she’s gone now . To know that no one else will love us like she did . Selfless and complete love . But I’d like to think she’s in a better place now . She can finally be at peace . She now has achieved ,the complete happiness and bliss that she always deserved .

-To a perfect wife , a doting mother and the most loving grandmother ,Roslin Palaian .
June 13, 1944- June 13 ,2016 .

Plato once said , “Every heart sings a song incomplete , until another heart whispers back .”

I wonder if that stands true even today . In a world where our ears are muffed with headphones , and our eyes buried into our smartphones , I doubt we might even hear that whisper !
Other than that , who has time for such whispers ?
All we want is small talk and Tinder chats . Non sexual conversations don’t seem to get us anywhere !

Gone are the days when a relationship between two people didn’t just happen overnight .
It took patience , understanding and love to build one !

I’m not saying that the all ‘love’ of today is fake . I’m saying that it’s so difficult to find something true and lasting !

Blind dates , speed dates , horoscope dates you name it , and there’s a type of dating system for everything under the sun !
But to what end ?

Dating today resembles a blind man’s game . No one knows what we’re looking for , no one knows where we’re going , Hey, we don’t even know why we’re doing it !
One date after another , one person after the other , the cycle is vicious and endless .
By the time we actually meet the right person , we are so tired of this game that we just give up and convince ourselves that our ‘Soulmate’ doesn’t exist .

People have started differentiating between Love ,Sex and Emotional attachment !
When in reality , none of these can survive without the other .
Hook-ups and quickies are in trend . No commitments , no strings attached . They sound so tempting and uncomplicated , so inviting !
But are they really what they look like ? Is it really that simple ?
Instead of making it my personal opinion , I’d like to paint this picture according to what science has to say about us .
Humans are built in such a way that intimacy is related to a emotional connection . I literally hear everyone today telling ,”Oh ! It’s no big deal , it’s just sex .” Or , “oh ! We’re just dating casually .”
Well science disagrees with you my friends . If we were to get intimate , and have sex with every other person we felt like , we might as well be called animals . We are different because, the millions of years of evolution have instilled in us , a sense of “Humanity” that includes the emotional attachment to the person we are with (partner) .
Sure , you can still argue with this and say that it is possible to have emotionally detached relationships , But I’d rather side with science on this one .

I’d rather look for something real . Something that is not only about physical attraction . Something that is more than just sex . Something that is greater than just a sense of mutual liking .
I want the whole deal . I want the comfortable silences along with unending conversations .
I want us to have insatiable thirst for each other . I want us to Like ,Love and Lust for each other . I want the good days and the bad . I want passion and complete submission . Most importantly I want it to be “Us” , not just ‘me’ or ‘you ‘ .
And I’m sure like me there are still many others who would say the same . So this one is for them ! The ‘Ol style people . The ones who still believe in the concept of “Us” . Who want “Forever Afters ” . Who are convinced that it’s worth having a ‘life partner’ than a ‘sex partner’ .
To those who still think that “For eternity “always better than “For the time being ” .
So go on , whisper in the air ; And hope with all your heart that the universe will call someone to whisper back !