Published: Thursday, June 27, 2013 at 3:31 p.m.

Last Modified: Thursday, June 27, 2013 at 3:31 p.m.

As a retired professional wrestler, I hereby surrender my title belt to George "Tax Man" Albright. This is a metaphorical surrender, of course, as the real belt is really, really nice. I won it in a fluke charity match in November that had puny me taking on non-puny wrestlers.

And now Albright, Marion County's tax collector and an Ocala resident for about 600 years, is stepping into Dory Funk Jr's ring, also for charity. I do not know what will happen. Funk and his wrestlers are full of surprises and finicky allegiances.

But I do know this: Albright has completely trounced me in the smack-talk and bling departments.

I remember shopping days before my match, flipping through T-shirts like a teen going to the prom. I settled on a black UCF shirt with a skull on the back.

"Knight 'Til I Die," Angry College Skull screamed. But the shirt was large and draped over my tiny frame like a granny mumu, thus quashing potential intimidation.

Albright, however, has a cape the color of money. He has a necklace with a gold dollar sign. He plans to enter the ring as an Egyptian pharaoh carried by minions.

He even has a smack-talking manager: Ocala attorney and 500-year Ocala resident Jimmy Gooding.

It must said at this point that Saturday's wrestling matches at Hilton Ocala will raise money for Ocala-based Helping Hands. The organization's mission is to get people back on their feet. It helps the homeless, the addicted, the abused, the desperate. It provides shelter and Christian counseling.

So underneath all the bluster, there are good hearts.

The Funks — WWE Hall of Famer Dory Jr. and his not-so-large-but-always-in-charge wife Marti — and their wrestlers helped raise thousands of dollars for the Marion County Literacy Council in November. The only blood came from my pale little elbow.

The Funks want to raise more money for more good causes via grudge matches powered by bravado and tossed humans. So they found Helping Hands founder and 700-year Ocala resident Brad Dinkins, who tapped Albright, who then tapped Gooding.

Albright said Dinkins' work with Helping Hands inspires him greatly, and accepting the challenge was the least he could do. But that's where the warm fuzzies stop.

Albright and Gooding are over the top. They launched an impressive multimedia attack on Funk and his teammates, promising to shave their heads to make them even "uglier."

Albright clearly relishes being the bad guy, the menacing Tax Man. One Internet video has a teeth-picking Albright scowling into the camera: "I'm in charge of this county now. I love taxing people … the elderly, the widows, the orphans. Especially the elderly."

You've got moxie, Tax Man. But Funk has the spinning tow hold and enough real title belts to sink a cruise ship.

<p>As a retired professional wrestler, I hereby surrender my title belt to George "Tax Man" Albright. This is a metaphorical surrender, of course, as the real belt is really, really nice. I won it in a fluke charity match in November that had puny me taking on non-puny wrestlers.</p><p>And now Albright, Marion County's tax collector and an Ocala resident for about 600 years, is stepping into Dory Funk Jr's ring, also for charity. I do not know what will happen. Funk and his wrestlers are full of surprises and finicky allegiances.</p><p>But I do know this: Albright has completely trounced me in the smack-talk and bling departments.</p><p>I remember shopping days before my match, flipping through T-shirts like a teen going to the prom. I settled on a black UCF shirt with a skull on the back.</p><p>"Knight 'Til I Die," Angry College Skull screamed. But the shirt was large and draped over my tiny frame like a granny mumu, thus quashing potential intimidation.</p><p>Albright, however, has a cape the color of money. He has a necklace with a gold dollar sign. He plans to enter the ring as an Egyptian pharaoh carried by minions.</p><p>He even has a smack-talking manager: Ocala attorney and 500-year Ocala resident Jimmy Gooding.</p><p>It must said at this point that Saturday's wrestling matches at Hilton Ocala will raise money for Ocala-based Helping Hands. The organization's mission is to get people back on their feet. It helps the homeless, the addicted, the abused, the desperate. It provides shelter and Christian counseling.</p><p>So underneath all the bluster, there are good hearts.</p><p>The Funks — WWE Hall of Famer Dory Jr. and his not-so-large-but-always-in-charge wife Marti — and their wrestlers helped raise thousands of dollars for the Marion County Literacy Council in November. The only blood came from my pale little elbow.</p><p>The Funks want to raise more money for more good causes via grudge matches powered by bravado and tossed humans. So they found Helping Hands founder and 700-year Ocala resident Brad Dinkins, who tapped Albright, who then tapped Gooding.</p><p>Albright said Dinkins' work with Helping Hands inspires him greatly, and accepting the challenge was the least he could do. But that's where the warm fuzzies stop.</p><p>Albright and Gooding are over the top. They launched an impressive multimedia attack on Funk and his teammates, promising to shave their heads to make them even "uglier."</p><p>Albright clearly relishes being the bad guy, the menacing Tax Man. One Internet video has a teeth-picking Albright scowling into the camera: "I'm in charge of this county now. I love taxing people … the elderly, the widows, the orphans. Especially the elderly."</p><p>You've got moxie, Tax Man. But Funk has the spinning tow hold and enough real title belts to sink a cruise ship.</p><p>The matches start at 7 p.m. Saturday at Hilton Ocala. Check ticket availability at 732-4464 or www.helpinghandsocala.org.</p><p>Incidentally, the wrestling will wage alongside Ocala Comic Con, so there is a chance Superman or Darth Vader or Captain Whatchamacallit will be sitting next to you.</p><p>In any case, watch for the pharaoh and know his blood will be spilled for a good cause.</p><p><i>Contact Dave Schlenker at go@starbanner.com or 867-4120.</i></p>