Had enough.

I think it's time for me to go. There's nothing for me in this life anymore. There never was, but at least before I was able to feel at least a little good about myself for having that one relationship behind me that had genuine feeling and emotion in it. At least I could tell myself that I was loved once, even if I didn't believe it all of the time. Now I am really starting to doubt that. I fought with my ex a lot today. Something else from the past that he'd previously lied about came out and it hurt me so much. I know it's pathetic, because it's been over two years since the shit hit the fan and I really should be over all of this by now, but hearing more stuff come out.. realising that he'd lied to me still.. it hurt. My eyes are puffy from crying about it and my heart feels empty now. Why have somebody in there who generally doesn't give a shit about me? I feel drained of all my energy and just want to lie down and not wake up. I keep thinking about methods, methods, methods, but I'm so lame at everything I'd probably screw that up too. I wish you could hire out hitmen on yourself. I'd do that.

I want to say all the things I'm thinking right now but I can't.. I keep thinking, "Would that work? Or what about that?" but I just don't know. I hate feeling this way. I preferred the suicidal me of a few weeks ago. At least then it was because I didn't feel anything. My life was empty and hollow and I felt like living was pointless. Now I feel everything; all the pain from back then and more, and just I want it to stop. There's this one method I've been thinking of a lot lately, and it seems so perfect. It'd end my life, but I wouldn't be the one taking it, it'd just put me in a situation where my life would most likely eventually end. At least then I won't go to hell.

I don't know why I'm still talking. I should talk about how I'm feeling, and why, but all of that feels so pointless right now. If I'm going to take my life, I'll take it, right? There's nobody here that can make me feel any better, or make the harsh truth any different. My threads mostly go ignored anyways, which hurts sometimes, but I can't blame people for that. I feel like this should go in 'Let It All Out', but despite the seemingly calm, organised appearance of my thread.. I'm so close to doing it. I don't think I've ever been this close before. I've never attempted before, which I guess makes me lame in comparison to everyone else here. I've always been so frightened of doing something wrong and having to live with the consequences aftwards. Sometimes I think it's easier to keep on living than be reminded just how much of a failure I really am.

I have nothing to lose now though. I've literally been stripped of everything. My pride, dignity, self-respect - it's all gone. I have no friends, no lovers, and my family pretty much couldn't care less, so I'm thinking of returning the favour. I had feelings for Mike.. they're gone. In the trash. If I survive another day, I swear to myself that I'll never have feelings for another man again. They are just not worth the pain.

I'm always around if you want someone to talk to. You've been there for me when i needed someone to talk to, and i would like to do the same, if you think that would help right now.

I know what it's like to be hurt by someone, and find that all those things that built up the image of the world, are then just destroyed. It hurts, it feels like everything is spinning, and its hard to get a grip on anything.

All i can say is that it will pass, which i know is impossible to believe right now, but it will. He is your ex, and even after all this time he is hurting you, which just isn't right. You should not focus that pain on yourself, for his evil actions towards you. And you are worth more than any feelings towards yourself based on being with a bastard like that. Trust me on that.

It is a good thing that you have not tried before to kill yourself, because it is something that haunts you once you have taken that step. I cannot be a hypocrite and tell you not to, but try anything before you take that step, even just to delay it. Talk about it, shout and vent if you need to, think about the worst pain you could inflict on him for what he has done to you again... or distract yourself, get absorbed in music, or a book or anything... and then when you are done, sleep on it... and if you wake up feeling the same, keep going until you're sick of it, and the feelings have subsided. Just please try not to harm yourself.

Have you spoke to a doc before about the feelings that you have? What avenues of help have you tried? Don't make any decisions before exhausting all other possibilities. And, even then, remember suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So reconsider that.

Call crisis or the samaritans, you can even email the samaritans if you find it hard to talk to people on the phone. Give it a go. You have nothing to lose.

You're not a failure. You've just got a downer on yourself over what is happening. People haven't ignored your posts. Sometimes they read posts and don't how to reply or they are suffering themselves. It's nothing personal. Please reconsider...talk to someone. You might feel better. Remember, you don't have to be alone with those sad thoughts. We care.

Thanks so much for the replies. I'm feeling a bit better now, kinda calmed down a bit. I've got my nan coming over tomorrow so that'll keep me busy.

I have told my doctor how I feel and I'm on meds and getting therapy, but it doesn't change the bad stuff that seems to always happen to me. I know it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it feels like such a good one.

I guess I just have to shut off all feelings and stop letting people walk all over me. It might be worth taking a break from the internet for me too; it seems to be the cause of the majority of my problems.