The thoughtful, and sometimes provocative ramblings of a young, gorgeous talent trying to understand this lunacy called life.

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Sour

I just heard some really bad news.I’m not going anywhere. My ally, the IT guy told me today when I asked if I ought to go to the HQ to find out how far with this whole debacle, and he said, between two of us, you aren’t going anywhere. At first I thought he was being unreasonably negative, and then he assured me it was the “conclusion”. I didn’t like that. He refused to tell me how he knew, who told him, or what the reason was. He also assured me the problem wasn’t with me. But that didn’t help. I’m going to be here for another 4 MONTHS?! I could almost cry just thinking about it. I don’t know who to blame for this, and dammit, I NEED TO BLAME SOMEONE. Maybe I should blame my contact in HR, for not doing more to not get me dumped here. For not realizing that I would do absolutely no IT here. Or maybe I should blame the IT people, who claimed they needed me, but didn’t do much to fight my cause. Or maybe I should blame nysc, for making us stick with the same raggedy job for one year, even when all we want to do is throw in the towel. Or hell, maybe I should blame myself. For letting myself get sucked into the one industry I swore against, wearing the type of clothes I loathed, and earning diddly-squat. I’m not going to let it go, however. I can’t. Do this. Any longer.I’m meant to be working right now, but I’ve SO switched off this job for today.I’m also upset. Someone did something this afternoon that really upset me. But at the end of the day, I guess it was my fault. The person didn’t know, but still, I’m ANNOYED.Acquired a new stalker. I wont call him a stalker just yet, but he has potential. Good thing he works in the HQ. But he insisted on getting my work email yesterday, so probably I’m still screwed. He offered, almost to the point of insisting that he get me a driver and a company car (*raise eyebrows please*). He probably had the power to do it, now I think about it, but for really! You know how guys are, always wanting to make silly demands equivalent to gifts, imagine how that would end. That is, saying I was grossly unintelligent enough to believe him.My office stalker is becoming more than a little bit annoying. Apparently the verbal washdown I gave him yesterday (told him I though he was highly unserious, ridiculously infatuated and perverted, and I would never introduce him to any of my friends) bounced off like a bullet… after he got his speech back, that is.During the ride home, or should I say the beginning, after I told a friend about the above 2 dudes, I was being attacked that I needed a boyfriend. For the next 15 minutes or so, while stuck in traffic, we quite literally shouted our arguments (good-natured, of course, just loud). I argued that I was neither desperate, nor an old maid, and he said, it didn’t matter, that I won’t know when time passed me by. That I should just get one, just so I could say, I have an “ex”. But really.In my defense (even though now, I’m not really sure why I bothered), I said I REFUSE tio compromise just so people won’t feel unnecessarily sorry for me. He-llo! Just 20, people! Get over it! Then I was accused of looking for some Hollywood, Brad Pitt lookalike.How insulting. EVERYONE knows its Justin I love.Anyway, that’s not true. I’m looking at the whole package people. I’ve met fine guys I cant hold a conversation with, and that’s always the killer. And usually, it’s a case of “It’s-Not-Me-It’s-You”. And it is. Always is. I’m a very understanding, (too) patient, tolerant person (don’t I know it), and some of the guys I meet aren’t. It’s “agree with my thought process or…”.Then I was accused of chasing guys away. My eyes hurt from all the rolling. I’ll say it again. I’m not desperate. If something(s) about you bothers me, chances are, it always will, and I’ll just become quietly resentful and angry. So why go there? I’m not gonna go, “oh well, let me just make do”. Why??? Why are people so afraid of being alone? I won’t MIND a guy, but it’s not like I’ll go hungry or suffer terminal diseases without one!?Anyway, he said he’ll find me one (oh man, I can tell you many-a-story of failed hook-up attempts!). That he’ll make friends with strangers in his office, just for me. Okkay. You go, dude.Hmmm, I’m still upset.Looks like Oddly Cold Guy is just cool with me now. Go figure.A recurring bad habit resurfaced this week. Lord help me. On the upside, I get to go hang out tonight. Ah, let the Easter joy begin!