Out of my Mind.....

Sunday, March 18, 2018

I've been through some things that I never would've believed would have happened. I'm naive that way when it comes to not expecting evil from humans --oh not anymore grant you - because when you live through what I am living through -- you learn. You actually learn a great deal more than on the surface you ever dreamed you would-- about so many things, on so many levels. It's another awakening of the state of the world that we live in - and the condition of the human spirit -- or lack thereof. I'm appalled at what I have discovered.

My Father raised me to believe in people and to be kind. Dad was one of the easy going people I guess I've ever met, I don't recall his ever saying a bad thing about anyone. Now he could stand his own if something were to happen to me or the boys - like a man should, he just didn't believe in talking about people behind their backs. To him it just wasn't something that you did. Daddy was one of the most honorable men that I have ever known to date. I learned so much vast knowledge from my pop -- he didn't complain no matter what had to be done, what broke-down, all the crap that mom put him through. He truly was the epitome of patience, tolerance, and tenacity. I will never forget his telling, "honey, life isn't fair", to which I'd just giggle, at the mere age of 4 or 5 and espouse -- awe Daddy! I did hear him though - I heard and depended upon every word that man uttered to me.

Most that read my writing know that I'm basically out here (as most of us are) doing this life thing by the seat of my pants. No real family and pretty much zilch for support with exception for the ones that are paid to do so. I find this appalling. It doesn't exactly make for the grandest of feelings of self-worth. The copious amounts of time that I spend alone just further validate what seems to be true in the first place. I know that this has to be extremely hard for those who have no outlets like I do-- or have coping skills to get the duct tape out and hold the head on -- when it just feels like all of the thoughts (and feelings) dare blow your mind/head right off your chest. Loneliness is no joke.

Well mine has placed me in some pretty messed up situations - dangerous ones at that. Mostly because when you have no human contact - ANY seems do-able. Even when the stakes are enormously HIGH, and every fiber of your being is screaming "THIS ISN'T GOING TO END WELL!" Why would someone do such a thing? I'll tell you why - because after being alone for days, months, years - when you do finally get an invitation.... you jump at it with glee. Coming from my background of not mattering, or being good enough -- someone wanting me to go with them? Well dang - it feels pretty good, and you override all the flaming red flags - to be able to feel wanted. All caution is thrown into the wind because I truly think us incapable on some level--- to even be able to say "NO." This is the part that people who judge us will never understand -- with families, husbands, boyfriends - friends --- full lives -- they had choices. I suppose if I were going to put it in metaphorical terms it's like that last piece of your favorite candy -- like you're not going to do everything in your power to get to it, and consume it regardless of what other people think.

Old coping mechanisms die hard, and some never die - they just lay in wait --- gaining strength as you struggle... waiting silently until it knows the perfect time to begin it's speaking death to you. It's an odd malady -- the disease of addiction/alcoholism has so much influence on the mind of the addict. It can be so powerful, you begin the believe they're your own thoughts. It takes great examination to be able to decipher between it and your real thought. Most people aren't aware really that the disease wants nothing more that you dead. This is the reason that it propels you so -- to use, and use, and use -- over and over --- because for goodness sake no matter how hard an fast you chase it -- there is just simply never a cutting off place, and NEVER ENOUGH. In reality -- enough equals death.

I'm so enormously grateful and thankful to God for the knowledge that I have about this disease. It doesn't make me any better, less apt to relapse -- because knowledge alone in no defense against this demon. You can know all day you have a problem and still keep pushing that truth way down with drugs. Alcohol is especially bad - the denial mechanism is the worst.

I'm in a rough spot right now - I crossed paths with a predator. He basically destroyed my life in a manner of two days. Money gone - car stolen, no phone, he rendered me basically powerless - and I've been like this for going on three weeks. It took 4-5 calls to the police to get them to actually believe me. He's in custody now and things are progressing - but man talk about people shuning you when something happens? No one person will do anything for me -- like this was all my fault. I can't say I can comprehend that kind of dysfunctional cognition. Even what family I do have decided to talk to the police instead of me. How very sad.

I have to find the silver lining in this guys. I must look for the rainbows. If I don't find a way -- I think I'll loose what mind I have left. I made some bad choices, but it doesn't make me a defective person. I refuse to allow anyone to put that on me. They can all walk away. I'm a warrior - and I will survive, stronger than ever before. My trust issues are not so good and I've been pretty angry - but in the last six months, all that has happened --- I'm quite sure it's in the realm of normalcy. I have been trying to pray -- it's hard too because I'm so shut down. God knows. He's right here with me.

I will keep you posted as I can -- I have to figure out how to pay my bills according to how long it takes to get my account together. Maybe no one really cares - and I'm writing for no reason but my own, but it's not my intent. Just please be careful in this world --- it's full of vile, vile, predators - and if you are a kind person like me-- it's always open season--- and your Bambi.

All will be well, because I believe that what man uses for evil, God will use for good. My faith grows stronger each and every day. I do not harbor ill feelings for this man --- I've seen inside his heart - or what heart there is left. I pray for him, and the enormity of the pain he is going to have to overcome-- that is if he so chooses. I realize the things that he did, weren't personal. I'm a big enough woman to not own that. I think the most difficult piece is when humans hurt other humans because they can. Being who I am, this I'll never comprehend. I just don't want to - I don't have it in me. I am real grateful for that and these facts I know to be truths about who Gina is. The peace that I feel does not belong to anyone, circumstance, or thing outside myself in this world. That right there? Is priceless. I'm strong, I'm loved, I"m favored, and I will rise again. Praise my Father in heaven, Jesus Christ. He loves me even when I (and I do it daily) miss the mark.

Monday, February 26, 2018

I've not laid finger to this keyboard in some time. In all reality -- I don't think that I have been truly honest with myself about everything that I have gone through. Sometimes - it just seems impossible. I don't understand why people keep coming into my life to further abuse, steal, lie, and shatter my beliefs of the human spirit. I really do not understand what it is that I am supposed to be learning here. It is to me just more and more destruction, and I go further and further into depression - isolation and separation from God. I have steadily been asking for what I need, but alas, it seems like as with the majority of my life -- I have no voice. Not a voice that is being heard.

I am going to be very transparent with you all today - at risk of being judged. I admit that this avenue, this method of communication helps me, and I truly hope that my journey somehow -- helps someone else, somehow. I know that if I can struggle with these things, someone somewhere else, must be struggling with these issues as well.

Trust is one of my greatest issues. After what took place with my therapist - as much as I hate to admit - an as crazy as it is to put in black and white-- I don't even now trust God. Nor do I trust any human being. I feel like this pawn that gets played, over and over - in the game of life. I have basically withdrawn from life itself. I spend copious amounts of time alone - and although it disturbs me to a degree - for the most part -- I'm okay with it. I don't even know that I have been allowing myself to feel things authentically as of late. I did have a flash-back (and it was awful) a few weeks ago - and I have been trying to crawl out of this. It was the first time that I have had one - that I was aware of at the time it was taking place. It was surreal. I am now 100% certain that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I never really accepted the fact fully - I kind of gleaned over the idea -- but I now know for certain. The classic "fallout" behaviors have given way as well. I have been relapsing on and off for weeks. I am ashamed to admit that - but at least I am admitting it. In all actuality with what I have been through -- it is no wonder. I am barely holding myself together it seems - this is certainly how it feels. For the most part --I have just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.

I apologize that I am not being my usual hope-filled self - please know that it isn't my aim in any way to discourage anyone. The reason that I share is so that if anyone is experiencing what I am - they will know that they are not alone in this world with their suffering. Anyone at anytime is welcome to connect with me through this blog. It's always been possible. Also, if anyone knows my writing - you will know that there is no way I'm going to end on a negative without any hope of a way or ways to surmount said issues. I will always uncover hope, recovery, and miracles from somewhere.

When trust is severed with someone that you have given so much admiration to -- and placed so much faith in -- there is a great crack in your foundation. This is what I feel. Broken. Again. Another human was grossly disloyal - and basically betrayed me. I understand that I am not supposed and the key word here is "supposed" to place that much faith in humans - I certainly know this unequivocally now. I understand that I have attachment issues -- all of these things play a part in unison. However, on a much grander scale -- I am learning that being in this world - and of this world is not what God designed for us. I am also learning that this isn't the easiest thing to comprehend, and understand. I have sought wholeness, healing, and sought this through psychology since I went to treatment in 1986. I was given a new way to live - and it has saved my life. Of course I would cling to it - like nothing else. When given the choice between death or life, I think the majority of us would do whatever we had to do to live.

The Father's ways, timing, and thoughts, are not the same as ours. But I do know that we're given signs and lessons -- messages along the way. I have been so hurt, and very disillusioned. I don't always see that I reach for humans often before I reach out to Jesus. This for me is a thorn in my side. I know from where it originated, however, these thorns that we bear - are often deeply rooted and difficult to remove. Because I did not grow up with a solid foundation - until I finish the work set before me (or at least I think) my search and seek for attachment to another human will be an automated response for me. I have learned a great deal - I now know and can sit back - access my behavior with full knowledge of why I did what I did, yet unable to choose differently yet. With everything in my heart - I know the day is coming.

I have been looking to the wrong source for wholeness. I have been looking and believing that the standards of this world were the accurate measure of the perception of balance, as well as mental health. My beloved Pastor of past - Paul White has often shared with me that I needed to rest in the goodness of God - and let Him do the work - and I knew that this meant that I needed to stop trying to fix myself. I think I finally get this. I have been so hardwired with the psychological aspect of it all - it's going to take me a little bit of time to engulf this. In all reality -- it is about letting go of control. Something that most of us struggle with -- for the sheer fact that we want to be in the drivers seat of our lives. I know I do -- but then with everything that has happened in the last 6 months -- Father God is surely showing me what I get when I am.

I surely hope that this resonates with someone. I am such a do it all -- or give up, person. I don't have much middle ground. I struggle to find that happy medium. I think we all do.

I know I have gifts that the Father has given me. I know in my heart that He has something for me to do that only I can do. I want that more than I want life itself. To be about my Father's business. I desire to bear fruit more than anything else in my life. Truly I do. But I know that if I cannot manage my own life, Jesus is not going to use me in anyone else's. It matters little to me if I play a small role, or if it is something that gets noticed, I just want to do what my Father designed me to do.

I love God. With all my heart. Please know this. I'm the one who fails. I'm imperfect. These things, these matters -- of the mind, and of the heart -- He is perfectly aware of. The Father knows of struggle -- His own people did not accept Him. He was rejected, beaten, humiliated, and the ultimate - He died so that we may live. I know that the struggles that I go through are for my ultimate good. I know this because what man uses for evil - God uses for good.

I will get back up on my spiritual feet. I ask for your prayers right now. If you would grant me this. Just know there isn't ever a time that we cannot come to the Father ---and begin anew. Regain our walk with the Lord. Know it wasn't Him who left us - but us who left Him, He is just waitng for us to return. To the path. It matters not what you've done. I promise He's already heard it, and He knew you were going to do it before you did.

Thank you Father Jesus, for loving me while in my humanness I struggle to trust you. I know more than anything in my life, You understand.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

I feel inspired - and I haven't written in quite some time so I want to share with those of you that stop by - an anyone new that may happen to stumble onto my words. I have actually been through so much it is difficult to even know where to start and what to share. With the mind that I have, the one that hardly ever rests or takes a break - the thoughts usually tumble out pretty much on their own so we'll just see where the path takes us. I truly hope that this finds everyone well, of sound mind, content of heart, and living a life of your choosing.

I have been on one hell of a journey as of late with a multitude of things to surmount. I have been attempting as best I know how to heal from an experience that I never in a million years would have ever imagined would have happened in my life. It's some of the deepest emotional pain that I think I have ever encountered, and I am still on a healings way. Thank God, however, I can now finally begin to see the top of the water - and I am coming towards the surface. I'm almost to the end of this horrific batch of experiences that for reason unbeknownst fully to me I have gone through.

I like to think of myself as a tad bit of a wordsmith -- yet an I find difficulty summoning the vocabulary to express what I have endured. I want to share because I always have the hope that just maybe my experience frees someone a little, helps them understand, or lightens their load -- or simply allows one to feel less alone or separate in this big world. It's the whole aim in why I share my life. This isn't about me folks - I am certainly no one special. It's my hope I extend. I know that the hope I hold is extraordinary, because of God. I wish to give of this.

We all go through passages, rough spots, seasons and trials -- etc. that we don't understand, and cannot make sense of. What I have just been through was something I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams. It actually should have never happened - from an ethical standpoint. One never imagines being hurt by those that are designed to heal. Let me tell you when it happens - it's shocking, and if you had the circumstances I did - the pain will rip you to your core. As I sit here now in hindsight - I'm not really sure how I got through it without becoming suicidal. Oh, don't get me wrong I did not particularly care if I lived or died -- but I didn't reach the planning of my demise stage. This is different for me. I'm grateful - ever grateful. I did, however, loose copious amounts of all forms of trust. The process in which had, on one hand, helped me heal - in turn, walked away without word one --- and in so doing, ripped my heart out.

I felt the emotional and mental anguish of every last morsel of it too. No closure of any kind. As my guts (sorry) lay outside my body - my heart removed, and I wasn't given any kind of explanation - even when I begged for answers. Given no replacement - well with exception of someone I had already had contact with - but it was not what I needed. I wasn't asked what I needed.

Anyways, I don't want to get stuck on that -- just to fill in the gaps. I also Oh my goodness --- and this was excruciating... had an insurance issue around the first of the new year and could not get some medication that I have to have. I have shared that I have and live with chronic pain. Well, I was forced to go through full-fledged withdrawal from my pain meds. I thought before it was over- it was a horrifying 5 days of sheer hell on earth - I was going to lose my mind. Having to deal with the symptoms of the withdrawal itself from the meds was bad enough - but I had not experienced the full-blown pain that I have in over six years I think, and the neuropathy in my legs has gotten so out of control. It was a living nightmare. I don't know that I have ever been so grateful for my medication. I was able to get to the clinic earlier than I was scheduled - thank God - because I had already been to the ER three times and they literally did NOTHING. No compassion, what so ever. This country, people have abused medication so badly --- and this angers me so ---- that someone with my medical issues cannot even get treatment. It appalling!!! So I'm sorry to say but I ended up going the natural route --- I don't even care - I had to do something or I was going to go insane. I laid and writhed in agony for 5 days with pain levels of 12+ and it would have been utterly unbearable for the average person my pain tolerance is extraordinary. I couldn't handle it. NOR should I have had to.

SO, my friends, I have had a quite lovely time lately. Alas, I've grown. Yet - still - I AM stronger.

So these things, this rift in my existence has been well, it is so hard to even utter. I pushed God away --- you know like we do when we really need Him. OH, I would talk to Him here and there- and He is always in my heart. Always. He is and will always reside in my being. I just stopped doing the things which draw me near Him, strengthen my faith, and help hold me up. And this is so mystifying to me. I abandon Him when I need Him the most. I guess it was the breach of the trust I went through -- I am not completely certain. I thought I had gotten a bit better at this, however, eventually not. But you know -- I don't know how anyone could have dealt with abandonment so brutal like I went through and did anything different. I'm being completely forthright when I say that event almost broke my spirit. If I had given in --- I would not be here right now. Oh, I have messed up - and I'm still not on the right path -- but I'll tell you one thing, I am doing the best that I can do with what I have been through. And I am not ashamed. I refuse to feel bad for the coping measures that I have used. I should have NEVER been put through the ravages of emotional turmoil that I endured.

Anyways, I am getting better each and every day and I will rise up and I will utilize each and every last ounce of pain, trauma, grief, betrayal for my strength to become the woman that God designed me to be. Goodness forgive the grammatical mistakes there folks. LOL It sounded good in my head!!!

I am crying less and less. I am processing information better. I am feeling less burdened and happier again. The emotional load has lightened. I am talking to God/Jesus again. I am finally beginning to let go of the thing that haunts me the most--- and that's the need for information. See, I have such an analytical "need to understand" mind. It's not so much a matter of why - I know this doesn't solve or really change anything. I also get that understanding does not bring peace. I still get stuck in wanting information. This time no one is saying anything. This is also where my faith has got to come in. God's ways are not my ways. His understanding is beyond my comprehension. The only choice I have really been given is to accept. But let me tell you now --- this one was and is -- really hard to swallow. I am a creature who screams for a deep need for justice in my life, and the people I love. My father began telling me at a very young age, "life isn't fair." He tried his absolute best... but I'd say, "Awe dad!" I had a hard time with it. Treatment helped and A.A. brought it home. I get it now.

I apologize this has gotten so long. I have got a nice ending though!! I appreciate those of you that read all the way to the end more than you know. This blog, and my contributions to Quora - are what I can do with what I have to offer right now. At least in all humility - I offer what I do have and that is my experience.

We can and we do heal. It does not happen by accident, however. It takes work. It takes focused, persistent, determined, raw, courage. Sometimes it will seem like it is bigger than you - depending on what you have encountered, or lived through. Do not let fear lie to you. Fear is a liar. We cannot and must not believe all of our own thoughts. We mustn't. Depending upon your path -- chances are you're going to need a higher power, something outside yourself of a spiritual nature that is much, much, more powerful than you are. Also, you will want to have a good relationship with that power. I really don't know of anyone that has ever been able to achieve true lasting change without it. I've worked with many, many people when I was counseling. It is just imperative that we believe in something (and not another human) outside of ourselves. You all know that for me it is Jesus. I am not religious, at all - I have a relationship with Him. I make mistakes every day -- but He knew it before I did it. His compassion is beyond our comprehension.

I feel hopeful right now and I am so grateful I have this outlet. I pray something I share motivates or strengthens at least one person. That is my prayer.

Please if you will - listen to this song. God gave it to me today. It's amazing. I was so ecstatic to share it with you guys. I found so much hope in it. I hope you do as well. Thank you again, for reading my words. Be blessed beyond measure until we meet again. Please remember - when you're at your most devastated, you are so close to healing. Never give up. Never! There are always options if we seek them out. Humans are survivalists. Your darkest day is right before the dawn.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

I feel exhilarated at this moment. I have been through a difficult patch and it isn't over quite yet. This last few months have been the most heart wrenching that I have experienced since my father passed in 2010. I do not admit that light of heart. My experiences with human beings is and will more than likely continue to be a learning process. Allowing people into your life- and the acceptance of this risk is and will always be something that I will weight consequences of differently now- and for the rest of my life. From this moment on. I am not the kind of person that experience intense closeness and radical loss well at all. It is extremely difficult for my psyche. I have no idea what kind of person this makes me, and I really don't care - I write in hopes of someone possibly learning something from my journey, not to be judged by it. I am the type of person that does apply themselves with their best intentions. I miss the mark, plenty of times, however, I do try to be a better version of myself than I was the day before. I often am misaligned and go astray but I do my utmost and I have good intentions. I'm probably rambling. Forgive me. I've much on my mind.

If you've ever noticed - the expression of a seed is absolutely beyond our comprehension ---it is an amazing thing. It literally explodes in coming to life. I love the above saying, I have ever since I set eyes on it. It's very true. Change often brings chaos. We can easily (or I can) lose my way in the attempt to find a new or better way of thinking - perceiving - or just being. I know for myself, anytime I step out into unfamiliar territory, unchartered waters - I encounter resistance often - and fear. Vulnerability will raise its ugly head. It is strange sometimes for me, I can want the change or the acceptance quite much but I will still have resistant thoughts of why I can't do it or why I shouldn't. Change can often be so daunting- even good change. All of it produces stress. We are such creatures of habit. Any deviation from our norm and our minds as well as our emotions - revolt. Mine do. I've also seen many clients when I was working in addiction have the same types of responses. Resistance always surprised me, especially when it was welcomed change. It is as if we don't trust our own choices and there is a lash back from our inner knowing. Like "who's driving here??" "Do you really know what you're doing?" We distrust our own choices and have second doubts. We actually fight our own intuition. This is our ultimate inner guide. But what do we do? Distrust it. What is so sad for those of us that are Christian --- it is our intuition -- but for me, it is also the Holy Spirit guiding me. Could there be anything MORE ACCURATE??? For crying out loud.

My beloved Pastor of five years --(some time ago now) used to talk about this being our "red light, green light, system of knowing." It was so tenderly stated as God's traffic system for us to know when to go and when not to make decisions in life via our intuition - and the Holy Spirit inside of those of us who accept Christ as our Savior. The really insane thing is -- I can sometimes push past, an resist even this. That is crazy. But I have done it -- I hope I am not alone here. The is totally where free will rubber hits the road. We all have the ultimate choice over what we decide to do and why. Or what we decide not to do or with whom. I have helped people that I knew at the time either they were partially lying, or at least of all not being fully forthright with me. It's my choice. I've also watched closely as I felt another person's feelings and have fully known how they felt -- and have them flat out deny it. It's a trip. Sometimes people cannot accept how they feel. They won't because it either isn't familiar or isn't appropriate - or whatever. However, I can almost always detect other's emotions. It's a gift that God gave me. I've been verbally attacked over the information before, and various other things. I have wished a few times that I did not possess such a gift. Sometimes it's a knowing that hurts your heart. Especially when you know in your heart of hearts someone truly cares for you and they end up walking away. That hurts more than one can imagine unless you've experienced it for yourself. Even understanding doesn't bring peace, I've shared this with you all -- and it especially does not bring peace to the heart. I have peace in my heart because of Jesus - don't get me wrong - but when you love someone so much that you don't even understand it yourself it is haunting. It's a lot like a piercing in your heart that just won't heal. Somehow it cannot. You aren't sure how it got there, to begin with, any clue how to remove it, or where to go for help. Also what I understand about the heart is that it wants what it wants and it cares little about rules, regulations, fines, fees, or anything of this matter. The heart really doesn't care who gets hurt in order for it to get what it needs. It says in the Bible the heart is a deceiver. I believe this. It's really kind of scary. But what I do know most -- is when I love someone wholeheartedly it's pretty much a lifetime deal. I don't do that lightly and it seems to happen of its own accord. However, I can affect its healing process.

I have been all over the place tonight guys, forgive me. I have been off kilter for awhile - but there is hope!!! I am coming back to center. I feel it. Things are going more in the right direction. I have quite a few financial problems right now - but it either will or won't work out. But I just got to do an amazing thing for someone and I feel good about what I was able to do. It was from my heart. I don't even care if it was appreciated if there was gratitude -- all that is completely out of my hands!!! The outcome means little. I mean - what feelings were involved about what I did. I did what I did out of the goodness of my heart - and I gave out of my lack. That is what my Jesus would do. I love every last thing about that. With all my heart. If it never comes back --- so be it. I could care less. I have made enough mistakes in my lifetime and I have recently hurt people that I love out of my inability to focus and THINK about what I was doing BEFORE I did what I did. It wasn't even like me. So I'm dealing with that behavior. I don't like hurting people, I can't hardly deal with hurting people I love. This is incomprehensible to me. Losing all self-awareness is frightening. Getting caught up in your emotions to the point where you do not think about the consequences of your actions??? There are no words. Ineffable. Unexcusable.

I've never needed anyone to give me constructive feedback. I have a committee of experts that live in my head that live for just that prime opportunity --- day in, day out. Do You? I always have. It started with good old mom. But you know what? I fired the whole lot of them! Gave them the rest of their lives off. I don't need them anymore. Actually never did. Please do not think that what I am saying is that I am never wrong - or will never listen to feedback -- far from that. No, indeed. My main concern in life is not who is right - but what is right. Therein lies the humble in humility. That I like. There is no big me, little anybody.

Forgive my feeblemindedness this time. I did have a method to my madness. I wanted to share about change. I did. I can tell we're close to a full moon. It always kind of upsets my spirit. I read something to the effect of it's going to be another super moon and also some kind of Wolf moon? Who knows. I do know that we're steady approaching a brand new year. I don't know how I feel about this just yet. I'm not sure (like it matters) I am ready yet. I guess it doesn't much matter it is going to come in regardless. I am always hopeful.

I cannot recall if I shared with you all about Quora? I have quite a reputation there now. I have answered many, many questions. I love it. I have something along the lines of 11.7 k views on my answers? They like my answers, they request my answers. It's really cool. Go and check out my profile if you'd like. Ask a question - if you want. You can request for me to answer or leave it open for anyone. I mostly do Psychology, grief, counseling, life experience, addiction, stuff like that. OH!! I'm very excited too ---- I submitted my blog to a bigger writers blog - who is looking for budding writers. I submitted the blog I have that has been read the most - like almost 1,000 times. Who'd a thunk it? Little ole me. Life is amazing - most of the time!!! Live it, give it your best shot.

This is my musical tribute to the upcoming year 2018. This is my girl and this is my song. It's not just for me, let it empower us all.

I AM SUPERWOMAN, YES I AM, YES SHE IS...EVEN WHEN I'M MESS, I STILL PUT ON MY VEST, WITH AN "S" ON MY CHEST OH YES, BECAUSE...I'M A SUPERWOMAN -- YES I AM!!!! YEAH!

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Like sweet nectar from heaven - this woman conveys heart piercing emotion with the soulfulness of her luscious voice. Adele has probably made as much of an impact upon my life with a song - or at the very least she is really high on the scale of vocalists who have the utmost ability to transform me ultimately to musical nirvana. The power that she embodies - ineffable. It amazes and I am in such awe of the power music has to quicken - as well as overtake, our mind, heart, our souls.

This song speaks for me today. It speaks to me. It is an anthem at a time, in a season if you will, of my life when so much emotion exists that I am completely unable to discern one from the other. I will confess readily that the greatest of them all is the intense emotional pain. Grief, anguish, anxiety-- and that just is to name a few. When I am able to think - which seems to be a rarity as of late --- I have such an overwhelming desire to go home. The difficulty wherein this lies -- because I do not actually have a place to call home. Oh, there's this building that houses my things - but it isn't what I remember home feeling like, at all. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the apartment, it's quite nice - but it is a far cry from being a home. It is a dwelling that contains my belongings, and I do find rest as well as a safety here. However, it is lacking the warmth, comfort, contentment, and most of all companionship as well as gatherings of deeply loved humans. I think this is what home is mostly like. Mine is not. However, I thank Jesus I have a roof (a good solid, warm, safe) over my head, the rent is paid --- an everything in it is mine. Praise God! It just not like I remember nor in my heart of heart's desire.

Nothing in my life at this very moment is like I desire. Absolutely nothing. I know that pain has no memory and I praise God for this. Emotional pain is kind of different. We do, I believe recall the trials in life that we go through - but I still believe that if we truly work thoroughly through the grief --- the memory is and should not be so painful. I will be enormously beyond grateful when this war that is raging inside of me is past. Never have I had a season quite like this. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter where I turn, who I encounter - the end result is pain. I'm hurting people that I love. I'm hurting people that I try to help. Everything I seem to encounter ends up in anguish. I -----yes me, I cannot even talk to God right now. I can't read my bible - I cannot read my Jesus Calling book- it's like I'm either so full of sorrow or I am just dead inside. Like there is so much emotion and I cannot handle it --- or "hello, anybody home?" I do not know this type of season in life, I have never been here before. At least I don't recall it. If I have been here ---- I kind of would like to remember because I could use the coping skills. Big time. Please know I am not writing looking for pity nor anyone to feel sorry for me --- I do not feel sorry for myself. I've told all of you before - self-pity to me is an ugly, nasty, entity. I just won't allow it. Nope. Not going there. We play with the hand of cards we have been dealt. We do the best we can with what we have----period. Yeah, this sucks. There has been many ---- and I mean MANY days I have cried ALL day. So?

I don't really find myself to be someone that wallows in crap for long. The reason I do allow myself to feel even though all of you know I'd rather cut my nose off to spite my face than go through this-- That junk just isn't my thing. But you know what? We are sometimes, unfortunately--- humans. As uncomfortable as this can be to wear this skin suit... it's just how it is. Do I sometimes rebel? I think everyone knows the answer to that. I think we all do. I mean who in their right mind would want to feel horribly intense emotional pain or grief? You'd have to be neurotic.

I am not certain how, or why, nor when this --- well I wrote that then it dawned on me. I was going to say I didn't know how I am able to pick myself back up--- but I do. It's God. I'm just in so much awful pain right now and if I know anything ------that kind of pain will make us feel separate ourselves from God. I'm not certain why this happens, however, I know that it does. I have been through it before. That pain somehow blocks our ability to sense God. It's the easiest time in our lives to blame God (we all need a scapegoat) and He is really handy. Most folks (I say most.. I don't typically know) don't understand the Word of God --- and won't read it. It's our handbook for life. It's the only book I know of in which speaks directly to the heart --- and is fully alive. (Thank You, Jesus!!!)

I do not and I mean I DO NOT lose people well. I have reasons for this. Lots of reasons. If I love them deeply, and what I mean by deeply - it doesn't even have to be a romantic kind of situation. Loosing a treasured longtime friend will devastate me. I am just the type of person that doesn't trust for a long time but when the bond has taken place and for reason, x,y, z...a person walks away, it devastates me. Perhaps this makes me an oddball - its okay with me. Hey, I know myself. I'm pretty proud of the work it has taken to get where I am. I have worked my ass off to get here. It matters little to me who approves, or who does not. It wasn't their journey. As far as I am concerned, if you haven't walked down my path --- you have no business or right to judge my journey. I would not judge yours.

An awful lot tumbled out today. I so appreciate those of you that finished this blog. You don't know what it means to me. I thoroughly enjoy sharing my life with those of that chose to read the blog. You have no way of know how this helps me. My grandest aspiration, my highest hope - is for someone to find something to relate to - or that inspires them through my quest. Life is difficult - I earnestly believe we were put on this earth to help each other along in our daily plight for whatever it is that the individual ultimately seeks -- be that success, love, peace, contentment... It is or can be endless the desires of the heart. For me, as an individual, there are several things that ultimately fulfill me. A vast piece of that is to dispense hope and to have that hope empower another individual to know that they too can do that thing that they dream of doing.

If I don't write again before the holiday, I want to sincerely wish everyone lot, and lots of love - hugs, kisses and special wishes-- may all your dreams come true.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

"BEING MUST BE FELT IT CANNOT BE THOUGHT"

Forgive me for quoting Eckhart again -- but it just is right where I am.

I have a great many things on my mind tonight - today has been a day of grand discovery. Enlightenment comes with a price and I've endured its passage into an understanding with brings forth some freedom. Oh, what I have been through.

It isn't always my first nature to do what's in my best interest. Hell, I don't always even know what's in my best interest. More often times than not -- I make the wrong choice -- all the while believing in my heart -- (and hoping) I'm doing the right thing. My greatest aim I suppose one could say is to be as real with people as I know how. Especially people that are really important to me. Even in this attempt, I screw up. I "miss the mark". Sometimes horribly. Sometimes I suffer grave consequences. Like I just did. You know what is so amazing about this? I am always attempting to do the right thing. Most of the time. I have this self-propeller inside of me that just won't quit. Even if I mess up for a while -- it just resets. I get right back up and am drawn towards wholeness again.

Risks, mistakes, failure, all of this things are catalysts for change. If we never risk, or we never fail miserably -- we never grow. I made an awful mistake -- in an attempt trying to understand something that was happening to me, I messed up and man did I bear the consequences. It's okay, it could have been handled better - much better - however, I have arrived where I am supposed to arrive. Not that I had help from where I should have had help. There is nothing like having the foundation of your very being pulled right out from underneath you. That is exactly what happened to me these last few weeks. I was brutally separated from the axis of my mental, emotional, and psychological well-being. Much unlike a building having its foundation ripped out - yet, it's expected to still stand. Just like before. The bulldozer came through - with little or no warning and ripped out my foundation (judging me while doing so) and leaving the building of my life to attempt to stand in its shattered state. Oh, I was given a tooth-pick for structure relief. No explanations, and no contract for reconstruction.

So. I have been living in a wrecked, demolished, collapsed, unhinged, and empty place. There has been more shocks, more leveling, and it has been a very destitute place to reside. When you thought your structure was built with love, trust, and acceptance -- destroyed is a difficult transition. It is a shock that reaches the depths of your soul. The thing is that the bulldozer could have been diverted, it could have been called off. If only there had been some understanding and acceptance of how people heal. The process by which they can understand, accept and grow.

Healing is one of the most beautiful things I have ever (and will ever) witness. I and I say this with all humility - have been so divinely blessed to have witnessed the healing process - right before my very eyes. It is of the miraculous. It is indescribable. The closest that I could ever get to its majesty would be if we could actually see a flower bloom. An at that - I butcher it. It is ineffable. When I speak of such things, I am so filled with gratitude for the gifts that God has given me. Those times in my life that I will cherish until the day that I die. But there is also in me, a healing place. A place that is yet so wounded. So wounded because of the brutality of these last few weeks. I have been left brutally alone. Because of a mistake, I made trying to understand. Trying to understand something I felt that I did not fully understand in its transition.

Love is a delicate an beautiful thing. It is often confusing and easy to misunderstand. Love in my life has always had an equal and a frightening slice of hatred combined. This is what you get when you grow up with an unstable parent. Things are NOT what they seem. Not at all, and you'd better understand that first and foremost. It makes it really hard to trust what you feel. Even when you "think" you are certain. As strong as I am now -- I still get that stuff wrong. Especially when it comes to love. If anything will confuse me, it's love. I am actually kind of afraid of it. If I am honest. Taking risks in that arena - is paramount for me. I don't do it very often. It's quite rare.

What I have discovered is that for love to exist several elements have to be present. If a person is so inclined and all of these elements are in place- if love is allowed to establish itself safely, to be built, flourish, as well as grow - it abounds. I've been privy to such environments in my life. Not as long as I perhaps would have liked, but we ultimately receive what we're meant. Loving people has been a challenge in my lifetime. As I have healed so has my ability to give and receive love. It is still at times confusing for me and I get tangled up. I know that it is because I feel things so deeply. I can feel the love that others have for me, as well as the love that I have for them.

The absolute most beautiful gift that I have received up until this very moment, is the ability to love myself. It's been bought with great pain. There is still much pain. But I do understand. I understand that I had to feel it into being. Sometimes it is through loves witness that we see and learn to love ourselves.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

I love Marianne Williamson. I've stated it many times before she has irrevocably, touched my life. From the times that I was in St. Paul, Minnesota when I went to "A Course In Miracles" meetings and dove into her writings - I fell in love with the way she thinks. I've read four of her books I think and passed many to friends. "The Gift of Change" is a lovely place to start if anyone is interested, I think it can be purchased fairly inexpensively on Amazon-- used - that is where I usually go for mine. I've prayed this prayer. I've prayed many prayers in one of Marianne's "Illuminata" prayer books. Her's are out of this hemisphere. To me, her words, are like velvet, they just must be preciousness to God's heart. I know that the experience that I have had with prayer is just beyond words. I will tell anyone, anywhere, about prayer in my life. God is fulfilling prayer in my life right now. I am healing. Know that. Healing does not come e x e p t and ONLY through pain. This my friends is what it is to grow. As to my comprehension and experience with life thus far - equals making it further down the path towards wholeness.

The truth of it all is that I'm really hurting. More than I ever knew that I could. I think each time we go through deep grief, I don't know but it seems to get worse. All I know is the deeper you loved, the harder you grieve. The depth of the loss is the recovery you have to attain. Sometimes I get angry because I have certainly been through enough for my lifetime and then some. I decided today - no more. This heart is closed for business. I'm not loving people anymore. It's just too difficult. This heart is officially chrome plated.

Losing people is a natural part of life. I completely understand this, and I can mentally conceptualize it. If only I was allowed to just stop right there. Life would be grand!I've shared with you guys I don't particularly (I mean who does?) enjoy the emotional pain in life. I tried every last thing I could, to avoid it. Sometimes I still do. However, emotions are with us - and a part of us for reasons. It's mostly for me, that I grew up in such high stress and powerlessness. There was a lot of fear and uncertainty too. There's nothing like being bombarded with all of that when you are a child with no one to turn to for love, or nurturing. When what you get consistently are rejection and disdain. It is impossible to form a sense of self without comfort and security. It is maddening. I've shared with you all before about my childhood. I have learned how to manage my emotions to the best of my ability, the best way that I know how. It's been a long, hard, arduous road. I cannot even put into words my journey, it's just too much. Right now anyway. I have faith that one day, I'll find the words, and be able to. I always have hope. If it is meant to be for me to bring forth fruit by my sharing a message like that, the Holy Spirit will speak through me. I have complete confidence. Growth takes much out of you. And you make mistakes. Old mistakes. The kind that you full well know are coping skills that don't work. I do not know what it is in me that makes me keep trying to do the same damn thing over and over when I know the result. Yet, there I go. I even know all of the underlying motivating factors that propel me towards these actions. I know the damned outcome. But what do I do? Yep. I truly think - or at least my pastor did that its kind of similar to something that (and please don't think I'm comparing myself (gosh) the Apostle Paul struggled with - he called it - a thorn in his side. He struggled with being liked, just like we all do. This particular part of his personality would lend him to make choices that didn't sit well with his heart. Sometimes our desires and needs get conflicted along with our idea's or beliefs. We're in a juxtaposition. It can be torture emotionally depending on the circumstances. Living life in balance - and in alignment with our values, beliefs, goals, aspirations ... Can be tiring. I know exactly why Jesus said, "My peace, I give unto you". I'm pretty sure that is from John - not sure just where but I've read it many times - and I adore it every time. I don't know about anyone else, but there's just no way I could make it through this without God. I know I still don't have the relationship with Him that I want, need, or desire. It's because of me, not Him. See, I prayed for this pain. When I prayed for the healing. Because one does not come, without the other. It's just all I know. God placed this individual in my life to heal me. Because I ask Him to. I did not know how, when, through what means, how long, or how I'd feel... I knew none of that. However, it was a beautiful, stressful, complicated, fulfilling, -- journey. Everything is a journey --- unless you refuse to take the turn. I may be encountering grief, but know it's encased with emeralds and rubies. I will emerge from the grip of this grief a changed woman. My heart. Be still.Thank You, Jesus, for life. Breath, and pain. With my deepest gratitude. Eternally.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Wow- It's been awhile. I'm not even certain where to begin. I may or may not address the above - that is kind of a private hell. Yet - there is such transformation that is at work in my life now - it lends me to not want to even acknowledge my suffering. Hell, we all suffer - I seem to in life more than the average human - it summons me to ask myself if it is that I bring it upon myself? I mean who wouldn't ask that of themselves at some point being an active, (who am I kidding), overly - active thinker. I can surely get myself into some quandaries sometimes. Albeit, I grow and I transform. I'm growing by leaps and bounds right now --- because I"m in a great deal of emotional pain. Pain brought on unnecessarily by a lovely male of the species. Yes. One of those wonderful men that (you might know the type) when a woman communicates something deeply emotional and the man just does NOTHING. And I mean zip, nada, ZILCH. He must - like the guy before him, have broken all of his fingers? I don't know. It is so bizarre to me... that a human being who was designed to communicate just stops. I mean, it just makes any normal (hell abnormal) woman - insane. At any rate, it's produced a great deal of anguish, sleepless nights, and a tad bit of intense anger. I'm settled down now, but I know that I'm merely seething. However! I have good news. I had an interview to volunteer at a hospice organization a few weeks ago. I began the process anyway. Man, I would have never thought so much would be involved. I had to have a flu shot-TB test, a drug screening, I already have had the Hepatitis C vaccinations, plus a background check! They did a complete history on me. I'm shocked!! But I got the call yesterday - while I was getting my hair cut no less, I have passed everything! We have one more meeting for policy and procedure types of stuff --- alas, I'll be ready to go! I am so excited and I wholeheartedly welcome this experience into my life. I look so forward to the richness of this adventure. I think I shared in the last blog that I'm going to be changing psychologists. I'm in a strange place. I don't know how I feel. Mostly numb. I feel like not even going back to see the doc. He has been so inconsistent - and missed so many appointments. I guess his life is more important than our recovery. I will never know. I'll be glad to get switched over to the new one - and finish. I haven't been doing my daily self-care however. I'm sure if I really sat still and allowed it, things would not be pretty. I've been running about quite a bit lately. Oh, I've been talking to God - but not like I normally do. It may very well be because I am not wanting to face the inevitable. It gets old folks - this process of evolution. This never-ending examination of who I am. I don't even know how many people can even relate to that. I have been on a site called Quora. It's a question and answer site. I had met a woman there who had become a sort of pen-pal a few years back. Now I have been answering questions of all sorts --- and it seems they like my answers. My Gmail account is flooded with people that want me to answer their questions. Its kind of neat -- the ones that I've answered have gotten thousands of views and what they call "upvotes". I have enjoyed it. Quora is teaming with queries about depression and anxiety. People still struggle with the stigma in going to a professional for help. I find it sad. Maybe my voice through these questions is helping a little. That would be cool. I finally am beginning to feel less of a non-entity in the world. Losing ones career feels a bit akin to falling from grace. It is an awful transition. One I have been trying to get past for several years now. I know in my mind that I'm not a "human doing" and that a job doesn't make you who you are. However, we are conditioned from such a young age to identify with things outside of ourselves - cars, houses, jobs, people --- all of these things in our minds enhance our identities. We get in our minds that these things make us "more than" -- we are. Like who we are isn't enough. This is the lifelong battle that we learn from the time that we learn the word, "mine!!" An I tell you, it is our undoing. Thank you for that beautiful information, Meister Eckhart! I have been reading his book "A New Earth". It's mind-blowing. So illuminating. I highly recommend it to anyone. I adore books that help you shift your perception. For me and my life - our mental perception is everything. That is where my title comes from. I am a grateful person. I know people who aren't and I struggle to be in their presence. A spirit of entitlement is difficult for me. I am fully aware that people look at me and think "what the hell has she got to be grateful for?" I'm constantly in pain, I'm an addict (in multiple ways), I'm poor, everything I have someone has given to me (pretty much) --- I've lost everything three times in my life. But you know what? No one can touch, alter, nor hinder my spirit. That's mine. It is not dependent upon anything, nor anyone else but me. I like who I am. Hell, I'm to the point I kinda love me. That didn't come easily. Nor would I trade it for the world. It can't be bought or replaced. I'm the only one.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Each and every one of us ...at some point in our lives reach a particular juncture in which the elements and or circumstances have risen to a point where we can no longer continue to cope. It seems that we've pulled every coping rabbit out of our proverbial hat --- even used some that we didn't know that we had in us-- only to find... that life has more in store for us, yet and still. Life seems to have just asked too much of us, and our brains cannot, in all good conceptual thinking skills, accept what is taking place. Yet we must keep going forward despite our feelings, the depth at which we are hurting, feel as if we've totally emotionally as well as mentally collapsed.

My beloved Psychologist is leaving the center where I see him on Fridays. I just learned of this information at the end of our last session. This news was entirely unwanted. I was not in anyway expecting it, however, it did not shock me. I am though, the type of person that has worked long and hard to not "react" to situations or circumstances - things have an impact on me much later. And boy did it ever. I felt the impact of it of course when I was alone at home by myself. Then it absolutely began to seem that so much trauma has piled up that my life was much akin a massive multiple car crash on any given highway. Anger, that nasty resentment, and pure pessimism erupted my being. This is odd for not often do I feel such things but I spewed it out to a few others in my angst - and this I hardly ever do. I knew then, I'd reached an end.

As I laid crying, I ask God for help.

This is a monumental change for me. I have rarely thought to ask God for help when I'm deeply hurt. I have never really understood why - I've written about it - pondered it and deeply questioned my faith. What I have understood is that it's fairly normal for us to retreat when in pain from God. However, under this particular weight of life, I didn't. I think I knew it was more than I could handle. And matter of fact - it surely is.

I needed a miracle.

I had been scooting around the apartment Sunday - I wasn't able to go to church - I fell and hurt my hip Friday night. I had been in so much pain, I could barely get around the house. I happened to think that Super Soul Sunday on the OWN channel was on - which I adore. I have gained so much insight from this program and the Master Class program -- it's amazing. I wanted to use one of the images, however, I wouldn't like to get sued. LOL.

At any rate, Eckhart Tolle was on. I love his work. I only caught about half of the program, however, it was enough. Oprah and he were discussing his book "A New Earth". I was so excited because I have this book. Now, I am not advocating every concept that is in this book. There are concepts that I will adhere to, and those I will not. We learn in life to take what is needed and leave the rest. It is a great lesson in life. Now some will accept and some will not. Some folks will be willing to take in new information, and others will not. This is life - and how we perceive it.

So, I started reading... I have been trying to decipher in my mind how I can explain this in a nutshell. What I discovered is that particularly pertaining to my Therapist, he is not mine. He never was. The moment we see something as ours - we identify with it. It becomes a part of our identity. It "enhances" our being, so to speak. Now, this can be a car, a house, or a job. From infancy - we are taught - "me", "mine", and so forth, about things. Just let someone take those things from us. See what happens. We learn from the beginning to identify with things as we do people. I do it more so with people because of my childhood and the neglect that I experienced with my mother. I will get more into this aspect later because we are not what we've gone through. (Praise God!!!)

This was HUGE information to me. I had identified myself with Doc. Think about how we all identify ourselves with the "things" that we have. How important "things" have become in this world. It's insane. Insatiable. There's never enough... and this goes right back to the core of my shopping issues. And so much more. So much as been illuminated. So many people could benefit from this book.

God gives us what we need. He gives us what we need, exactly when we need it. Whatever you may be needing may not come to you when you believe you need it - it will come in God's time. I don't actually know but I propose that it might be because God know's no space or time. Doctor - was never "mine". He was with me for a season - just like everything else is a season in our lives. He was on loan to me, for a while. And I so grateful. He has helped me immensely. I will grieve. It's just part of the process. People will come and go, and I have to learn that they aren't mine. As hard as this might be. Feelings are a huge part of life - it is our guiding light. How many of my clients have I told that to? Counselor, take heed.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

I believe in miracles. The majority of those that read my writing know this - but if anyone happens to stumble across this and is new -- this is a true statement - for me. I've witnessed several in my lifetime. I just recently went through a seriously mentally and emotionally taxing ordeal with little sleep, as well as a gross miscommunication with someone who is dear to me. I did not think that the period of insomnia would ever end, I was unable to sleep more than two hours per night for a horrifying two weeks. I felt myself slipping into an odd mental and emotional state, one that I certainly did not like. I had had a severely confusing interaction with my psychologist - partially brought on by communications from an outside source. It was horrible going through this with no real rest, increased pain levels due to lack of sleep, and inability to clarify information with Doc until my appointment time. I went an entire seven days - in the confused, unclear, and misunderstood communication headspace. I'll say, it took its toll on me. I felt the ramifications physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for my Doctor - he has helped me find answers to questions that I have had my entire life. Therefore, being in this crux with him was considerably unsettling. My blood pressure was high, I experienced headaches and high anxiety.

Communication. Such an easy word to roll off the tongue. So multi-faceted. How important it is in our lives, and how little attention we give it. How bad things can get when it breaks down. How many ways it can go awry. This is what happened to me, and it was actually relatively a simple miscommunication, yet it completely riveted my life. We rarely think of the ramifications of miscommunication until it damages our lives. Until one feels its impact, there's little concern, there's little thought conceptually - of how much our lives are hung on whether or not communication works.

Perception is another concept that we give very little mental energy. Yet, how we see our world completely colors our lives. We often look through eyes of fear due to unresolved matters and it clouds everything we do. This flavors every interaction we have, every thought we process, every decision we make. How we view our world has everything to do with how we interact with it. If we expect it to be hostile, we'll get what we expect. Life just works that way -- because it's what we'll see. It's the same concept as expecting positive experiences - what we look for is generally what we encounter. Our thinking and our perception set us up to receive what we long for. Perceptions in life albeit positive or negative -- are essential.

Perceptions can be changed, however. If one will allow new information or new insight into mind. There can often be a simple shift in thinking - to a mind-blowing intervention. Perceptional shifts are awesome and can be so enlightening -- bringing a whole new and freshness to life. It often feels like a springtime breeze of the mind, an awareness that is on another level. It takes courage often and it takes an openness to learn. Growth spurts usually involve a little fear mixed in with vulnerability.

My adventures over the last two months have been taxing. Between finding out that my medication has aided in my compulsiveness -- of which has been owned by me and added to my list of defects despite the medications known side effects, has been enlightening. However, I actually feel better knowing that the medication aided me in this horrifying shopping nightmare that I have been in. I've known in my heart of hearts that I didn't use to be like this. I wasn't always compulsive! I used to be really great with my finances - and could live off of nothing in college. I have really felt like I was out of control and literally did not know how it happened. Well, I guess now I know --- I had help. This medication helped push me over that edge into being unable to control that irresistible urge. So this particular part of my life feels much better and I'm actually coming off the medication and doing much better behaviorally.

I've since gone back to church at Midland. There's a new preacher now. I like him. I'm excited to get back into church life again. I have missed church a lot.

After the miscommunication from last week that was so devastating for me, I am so filled with gratitude for my psychologist. I was a wreck by the time I got to see him. Not being able to sleep, thinking obsessively, and expecting the worst - really had me reeling. I was just electric with nerves by the time my appointment came, even though I had been with Doc over a year, I was quite afraid. I knew that I had to clarify the situation and straighten things out and try to find some sort of peace. I just wasn't sure how I was going to do this. Thank goodness, I just reached the place in my life where I can surrender and give it all to God when I completely am powerless. I prayed a lot, surrendered, and asked the Holy Spirit to intercede for me. I was so upset that I just didn't know if I could handle it. So, I let God do it.

That was the miracle.

Everything went beautifully. All of the issues that needed to be addressed were - and then some. What was so awesome was that I really sensed that the Holy Spirit was with me. It was one of the best sessions that we've had. I left that appointment feeling better than I've ever felt. I truly felt clean inside. That may not make sense to some of you - but it will to others. When you come from a shame-based family--- clean is the last thing you feel inside. Broken is what you know. Damaged is what you identify with. It's not that you "make mistakes" - You are one. That is what shame tells you. Shame is extremely difficult to overcome.

I've been on this journey for 25+ years folks. I'm nearing the end. I felt and believed that I can achieve it at the end of last weeks session. Shame can no longer keep it's residency here. I am not who I was.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

All of this horrendous struggle. This never-ending search - the inability to stop seeking.

I'm embarrassed, I think - humbled and somewhat ashamed.

All of this time I thought myself powerless. Yet, somewhere deep down inside- I knew better. I haven't always been - compulsive. Why have I been these last years? I mean, it isn't that I have never been impulsive -- I think we all have at one time or two in our lives --- but the last decade of my life? Man.

Impulsive: Acting or done without forethought.

Compulsive: acting or result from an irresistible urge.

I wasn't even certain of the difference between the words myself until I defined them. It's quite clear now.

I'm utterly disgusted. At a loss for words even. This is rare for me.

At first, it was Abilify. I'm not even certain how many years I took it. Of course, it just comes out now that it's caused compulsive behaviors in people. I have what is characterized as "resistant" major depression - and what this means is that it doesn't respond to the typical medications. Not only does it not respond and I have to take medications that boost my antidepressants, my medications usually will just stop working with no or little warning and will have to be completely changed. It's always been this way with my depression. When I was first diagnosed, I went through eight medication changes - and I still was not well. It's was hell.

It's so confusing. The Abilify helped so much! For the first time, I felt "normal" - whatever that is. Goodness, I did not know that bankruptcy came with it. The thing that makes me angry is that via my providers --- I've been blamed for this. "It's part of your pathology." UH......... I never did it before!!! It just so happened that I had circumstances in my life that increased my stress level, and I have an anxiety disorder - and I'm so adept at being blamed --- hell I blame myself for any bad behavior I have. I don't need any help from the cheap seats. I'm my own worst enemy!!! I've been told from the time I was big enough to understand how deficient I am. It's a recording that's still in process of removing.

I did not sleep more than four hours a night for many, many years. Now I knew that was my meds. I wasn't like hyper or anything -- just unable to sleep enough. This exacerbates everything. Yet, this was not normal for me. Sorry about the "normal" reference again. I have no idea what that word really means.... except when I use it in those types of circumstances --- like in sleep (8 hours). I have usually had no difficulties with sleep. As I go to finish this post - I have had little than 2 hours rest.

Abilify aided me in gaining 40 pounds. It was, don't get me wrong here - in the beginning like a miracle medication. It gave me copious amounts of energy. A new zest for life. A new passion and zeal for my future that just had not been there. It relieved my depression symptoms where nothing else had. I was so grateful. Now here I am - all these years past - with my credit in shambles - for the second time, having had dangerous behavior in my history, few friends and now lost in a mire of the quandary wondering what just happened?

I don't know if I would have even known if the class action suit hadn't come up. I then did the research on Rexulti - only to discover that it is the forerunner for Abilify. GREAT!! Pharmaceuticals!! Rexulti even has a lovely gene mutation - for cancer.

I have a mixed bag of feelings. I owe my Semi-wellbeing to these medications. On one hand, I have been moderately nonsuicidal on these medications. I also had an internal struggle like nobody's business. I've spent thousands - hundreds of thousands. I have been out of control on this medicine. I think this is a side effect that someone should know about. Of course, the legal system only recognizes gambling as concrete enough to actually sue these companies for damages.

I'm so disheartened. I have all the while, been attempting to follow Christ. I have been utterly (what feels like) failing. How can a compulsive person with some of the behaviors that I have had -- be a new creation? I mean of course we're human beings -- and God knows - but man.

I'm on my way off this mess. I went to my provider yesterday and I started the process of titration. It will take some time, but I'm removing this from my life. I'm so tired - in the hole at the bank - which ordinarily I'd never do. So much has been so out of character for me --- and I knew it. How many times have I told people to follow their intuition? But did I trust mine? How utterly sad.

Please if you are on either of these medications -- and you are having uncontrollable behavior --- go to your provider. Ask questions. See about it. Both Rexulti and Abilify causes compulsive behavior -- and I'm telling you now -- you think it's you.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me knowledge - for my gaining understanding. Father God - I pray for all who may need this message in their lives to receive it. Let this message find a way, where there was no way. I pray for blessing and favor for all who read it - and that follow my writings, Lord grant them peace that passes all understanding. Amen.

I found a new song -- and it's so beautiful - It speaks right to the heart of where I am, and what I want.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

I love eagles. So majestic, so regal, so powerful. I tend to think they're one of God's favorite creatures. Being that eagles are mentioned in the Bible, it makes them just that much more of a magnificent animal to me. I've seen a few of them in real life, and it was an amazing experience - one I'm not likely to forget anytime soon. We have a place here where they like to soar, called Eagle Point. The last time that I went there, for some reason it was inundated with them, flying, swooping overhead. I didn't have a camera - but you can bet the memory is etched in and one I'm not likely to forget.

I am feeling better, by the grace of God, than I was the last time that I wrote. I almost feel like apologizing for my last post - I was in such a deep depression. It is difficult to look back now at where I was. That particular Sunday felt like hitting a bottom emotionally, and I suppose that's what it was albeit, those types of things are never easy to admit. We all have our "I can't take this any longer" - moments -- and that sure felt like that was mine. Perhaps it was. I hadn't exactly been taking the best possible care of myself - spiritually and when I don't things like that can happen. Especially for those of us who's intellect runs amuck. I'd just written that "understanding doesn't bring peace" -- but, that is taking its sweet time sinking in. That concept is going to have to burn its way through because of my childhood coping skills. Those pesky little devils that got me through then are now my own worst enemies now. They're hard to shake.

I have recently become ultra aware of what damage our dream life (waking), inside our minds can do. If one really thinks about this, we all live in (and continue to create), ongoing dreams of fantasy inside our minds. This could be as simple as the dreams a young girl has when she meets her first "real" boyfriend, and the wishful fantasies of her wedding day - in high definition - inside her head. Or it could be as simple as how we're going to make better choices with our spending habits - yet another dream, on our next payday. If one thinks about it, our entire lives are completely consumed with envisioned, manufactured dreams. When broken down to this level, it's really all about our hopes, and our wishes, of what we desire. I dare to contend, it's a trap, a mental trap.

I recently attempted, one last time - and I do mean LAST time -- internet dating. I went through a reputable site, one that I believed could be trusted. I've (despairingly I say) had some bad experiences in past with online ventures - and I've had some good - so it's really been about 50/50. I thought to myself, what's it going to hurt, one last time? So off I ventured. I placed an ad, and immediately had responses. There seems to always be several men willing and interested in a woman such as myself -- most I don't care to respond to. This time one shining star - lept out. He and I started conversating, quite intensely. We corresponded for quite a while.

Of course, it ended up that he wasn't real. I thank God and only God that I'd protected the deepest part of myself from ultimately becoming engaged emotionally with him. However, I did created many a dream. As with any of us, the end of the correspondence meant the end of the dreams. Ending said dreams albeit with a real human being or one you're not sure of -- is a death of an idea, and a grieving we need to attend to. Because we had our hopes and our visions wrapped up in these ideals, the letting go process needs to take place on some level in order for us to be honorable to ourselves. Yes, one might say that they were merely thoughts, but they were thoughts enhanced with feelings, a hope, and a vision. Depending on just how much of any of those three things depends upon how hard the "little death" will be. For this is what happens when our dreams die. I tend to think that people do not like to pay homage or respect to their dreams, but I contend that it is the only emotionally respectful thing to do. Otherwise, we're leaving things undone and not respecting our journies.

I particularly want to thank God. First and foremost because He is the front, center, and the guiding force of my life. I fell prey to my depression on my last post and I am apologetic for this. My faith was not where and with whom it should have been. Yes, this is a lean season for me right now -- but this is all that it is, a season. "This too shall pass." I know in my heart of hearts this to be true. My God never forsakes me. Just never, period. It is I that pulls away from Him - and it is always, always my undoing. Hope that is seen, is not hope. We as humans want what we want, and we want it now. I'm as guilty as anyone of this.

God's timing - well I tend to think that God knows no time. Perhaps a thousand years is a day. We do not know. What I am sure of, He has me in the palm of His hand. Everything that is happening in my life - is so for a reason. Trust, faith, patience, all concepts that aren't in accordance with human nature. We are greedy, needy, ego centric beings, even when we try really hard not to be. I'm rethinking this deal. I may pull away in despair at times, feeling defeated - but you know what? He is still ever so near me. I can (and will) get through this. I just happen to know --- who holds my future.

"For all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!"
Romans 8:37-38 NIV

I hope you enjoy the video - please listen, it's so good. God Bless all of you --- May God make a way in your lives where there was none, and may His mighty favor see you safely through this life!!!