Denying Florida’s Existence

Until the Sunshine State gets with the program on climate change – a term they've banned from their official reports – should the rest of the country ignore that it’s even there?

Depending on where you grew up, you were taught to openly mock a neighboring state. My own personal motherland, Ohio, looked down on Indiana (those Hoosier-loving corn-eaters), while Indiana treated Kentucky like its punching bag (an easy target), and Kentucky dumped directly onto West Virginia’s cousin-loving head. But I think every state can join hands in their common disdain and ridicule for the Sunshine State, Florida.

If you grew up east of the Mississippi, it’s the bottom of your world. Sure, you may have vacationed there at some point (Disney World is the Mecca of the Midwest), or if your life took a turn for the lawless and you found yourself on the lam, where did you run? Why, Florida of course! I’ve always seen it as the United States’ Australia, a Mad Max-ian dystopia, where the spawn of generations of criminals hunt for their Oxy fix in bootleg Bart Simpson tank tops.

So when the Florida Center for Investigative Reporting published their investigation alleging that Florida’s Department of Environmental Protection – the agency who lists on its own website that it “protects, conserves, and manages Florida’s natural resources” – was banned from using the necessary (AND VERY REAL AND SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE) terms “climate change,” “global warming,” and “sustainability,” I wasn’t shocked. Disappointed, angered, slightly amused? Sure, but shocked? No. This is the home to the best episodes of Cops – documentary evidence that its entire population isn’t playing with a full deck of cards.

Politicians are adapting to the technology at hand, they’re deleting their browser histories and erasing incriminating emails. And if they’re going to deliberately put their own state’s environment in the crosshairs, they aren’t going to put it in ink, digital or otherwise.

Now let’s take a moment to consider the (VERY REAL) reality of those banned terms. When a collective of scientists examined 4,014 abstracts on climate change, they “found 97.2 percent of the papers assume humans play a role in global warming.” That’s higher than the 9 out of 10 dentists who agree you should be brushing your teeth every day (that tenth dentist bankrolls his practice off your bad hygiene)!

On top of this, a poll from January 2015 found that a majority of Republicans believe we need to do something about climate change – “83 percent of Americans, including 61 percent of Republicans and 86 percent of independents, say that if nothing is done to reduce emissions, global warming will be a very or somewhat serious problem in the future.” Although I find it absolutely ridiculous that we need to poll people on scientific fact, AT LEAST they can mostly agree that we’re damned if we don’t change our lowdown pollutin’ ways.

Here’s what I propose: much like the U.S. did to Florida’s neighbor to the South, Cuba, we turn our backs on the state and pretend like they just aren’t there, until they get with the damn program! In my opinion, climate change denial is a whole helluva lot more destructive than communism ever was, so this embargo would be more than justified.

We’d also lose Disney World and the $67 billion tourism industry that Florida boasts, but we have the O.G. Disneyland right here in California, so would anyone really even notice its absence? Don’t even get me started on Epcot – that place is an educational bummerfest! And how many of those billions do we spend on rebuilding the state after each of its devastating hurricanes (hurricanes that only will get worse with every inch of sea level rise)?

We may miss out on the next Tom Petty or Lynyrd Skynyrd, but they weren’t famous, until they got the hell out of Florida and never looked back. Petty’s best songs are about California, and Skynyrd put Alabama on the map (after all that awful segregation stuff, of course). Plus, we may be able to prevent the next Carrot Top from happening!

So let’s be strong, join our hands in togetherness to say, “Fuck off, Florida.” At least until they start listening to science. Or the whole state disappears into the ocean, while their politicians desperately search for the cause that they've already banned from their own reports.

Watch Jesse Ventura take on the state of Florida in this Off The Grid episode:

As cohost of the political commentary series, Jesse Ventura's Off the Grid, Alex Logan is The Body's body man. Alex and the former governor, action star, wrestler, and everything else in between, tackle the headlines of the week with an uncensored and independent spirit as we hold the two parties' feet to the fire.
A deserter of Dayton, Ohio, Alex graduated from the University of Southern California Film School with a degree in Writing for Screen and TV. Alex has assisted in the booking of live acts for the Creative Artists Agency; written jokes, sketches and stunts for MTV and producer Johnny Knoxville; developed treatments and scripts for Anonymous Content and Mark Gordon Productions; and co-founded the Improv Olympic West’s headliner sketch group, The Mutiny, who play sold out shows around LA and at the Chicago and San Francisco Sketch Fests, as well as producing numerous videos for the front pages of YouTube, College Humor, and Funny Or Die.
He did a stint as Editor and Technical Producer on Larry King’s Hulu talk show before partnering with Larry and Jesse to co-create Off the Grid. In the first season, Alex co-headed the entire production, writing, producing, and cohosting over 150 episodes. And he's back for Season Two, now serving as producer and host of a series of Man on the Street field pieces called, On the Grid. He also wrote this professional bio with his own two hands.

The views and opinions expressed herein are those of the authors alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of Ora Media, LLC its affiliates, or its employees.