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Month: December 2011

I woke early this Christmas morning and decided to take a pregnancy test, even though it’s about 4 days early. Both tests showed that we have another one on the way. May the Lord sustain this one. May we quietly meditate upon the Lord this day. It is full. Even amidst brokenness, life can be full. Thank You Lord. You are dear to us.

I had a tragedy occur nearly 9 years ago. It isn’t only “what” happened to me that’s so horrible, it’s “how” it happened. Part of it was being misunderstood about my beliefs. I can tell you that some years ago when I used to read the news on the internet that I read that this same thing happened to another woman. While her mother and sister were driving home, she quietly opened the van door and jumped out onto the highway, killing herself. I cried for days as I understood her loss and depth of pain. I know “what” happened to her, though I don’t know “how” and even she couldn’t bear the pain.

I share this after many years of blogging because though we have a beautiful life, I am in a deep sense of mourning and pain, day after day. Some could say that I have such a beautiful family and I should not be in despair. But, I say that Job was in despair even though he had more in his latter days than in his beginning. It didn’t take the pain away from losing everything that was meaningful to him. Joseph was hated and thrown into the pit. He still loved his family for years. And deeply. And my Jesus from the beginning when this tragedy occurred… It was the first time I was able to truly relate to His great pain of loving mankind and yet receiving their cruel hatred unto death. His love never waned. I understand this deeply. Some could say, “You need to forgive and then healing will occur.” I have forgiven from the beginning and not returned evil for evil. Listen to me, you cannot hate your enemies no matter how cruel if you pray for them. It is impossible. If you have hatred in your heart for another individual upon this earth, then it is because you do not pray for them until your hatred turns to begging for them to enter the Kingdom of God one day.

If you are a praying man or woman, please pray for our family. I desperately want our children to be raised with a mother who is full of joy, but this sorrow and pain presses me daily. My hope is bleak, my days are dark, my heart is heavy. Time does not do anything for it. I know the saints that are named and unnamed have felt such pain before, many until their death. Read the Scriptures, read biographies of godly men and women who suffered for many years. Most of it was in spirit and soul until they finally were martyred in the flesh at the end. David cried out. This is common among many saints. Loneliness, betrayal and being misunderstood. There’s no greater pain. But, the Lord gives us Words, personal Words to comfort his saints. He is the only hope to people such as me, before and after.

We waited for over 5 years to move. Five years ago I believed the move would alleviate most of my pain. I know now that nothing will alleviate this pain until death. Even full justice or restitution upon this earth cannot help a heart that has been troubled and saddened this long. And that is okay. I believe that the Lord really listens to the prayers of those who plead for their enemies. I have great hope to see those I have spoken about in Heaven one day. It will truly be my most tearful day. Flowing tears of gratitude towards my Creator.

I’ve been waiting for some time now for all things to go through before announcing that we are finally moving – and to Kansas! Why Kansas? First, because the Lord has led us there through prayer. Second, because nobody else wants to move there. We’re thinking that Missouri, Tennessee and Kentucky will be even too fast for us. We’re looking for what the world sees as boring as we tire from the fast, evil affairs of the world. It appears there’s still some good, kind folks back in Kansas.

We’ll be heading out December 30th and we’ll be driving the Southern Route. I’ll take some pictures along the way (if I can remember). We’ll be heading to Burlingame, just South of Topeka. We have found a home we are very, very interested in purchasing. Since we need a place to land, my husband called about us going to this home and renting month to month since we need somewhere to go anyways. We will then see about purchasing the home. Maybe we won’t have to move again.

Some things I have discovered about Kansas in my research: It is not all flat, gold prairie land. The North East part in which we will be going is full of rich farm lands and lots and lots of green. It is gorgeous. Flint Hills is another beautiful place with gorgeous green hills full of flowers. Someone likened these areas of Kansas to France. Tornadoes… we are not concerned too much about the tornadoes. I am sure we are much more likely to perish from a car accident than from a deadly tornado. Most people in Kansas have never even seen a tornado or the cloud formations preceeding one. Anyways, here’s some pictures of the progress over here: