Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

WEIGHT LOSS & WEIGHT GAIN QUOTE

I started dieting. I dieted, dieted, dieted and tried all the diets and I would lose and then I would go back to normal eating and would put it on and then some.-Suzanne SomersSelf-love is the only weight-loss aid that really works in the long run. - Jenny Craig

WEIGHT LOSS JOKES

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. THE GARLIC DIET: You don't lose weight; you just look thinner from a distance. I gave up jogging for my health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. CHOCOLATE WEIGHT LOSS

With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible.

In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization.

Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names to itself.

THINSPIRATION

WEIGHT LOSS HUMOUR and JOKES

FAT KID JOKE:

The Wall Street Journal reports this week that the candy industry is so worried about falling candy sales they are now adding caffeine to their candy. Well, that’s every parent’s worst nightmare — a fat kid who’s up all night.

HILARIOUS BUMPER STICKER:

If guns kill people, a spoon made Rosie O’Donnell fat.

WEIGHT GAIN JOKE:

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two...alone.

WEIGHT LOSS QUOTES:

1. Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip.

2. The rest of the world lives to eat, while I eat to live. Socrates

3. Take twice as long to eat half as much.

4. If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people. 5. Rule your mind or it will rule you.

DID YOU KNOW THAT NINETY-NINE POINT FIVE PERCENT (99.5%) OF MY DIET HUMOR COLLECTION IS NOT FOUND ON THE INTERNET!!! I HAVE A "GOLDMINE" OF DIET HUMOR AND DIET JOKES, HOWEVER, THE MAJORITY OF THIS COLLECTION (THE BEST OF THE BEST) WILL REMAIN "BURIED" UNTIL IT IS PROPERLY PUBLISHED IN BOOK FORM.

CAN YOU HELP ME FIND A LITERARY AGENT, PUBLISHER OR OFFER A SUGGESTION? IF SO, PLEASE E-MAIL ME. Please include the words DIET HUMOR in the Subject line of your e-mail, otherwise it will be deleted and unread.

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com. Why do I need a publisher?

Because... I COULDN'T SELL A LIFEBOAT ON THE TITANIC, however, I am the foremost DIET HUMOR collector in the world. My area of expertise is collecting DIET HUMOR, not publishing.

A big thanky, Daniel L. Worona

This is WEIGHT LOSS HUMOR. Please so not take it personally. If you do... you need to LIGHTEN UP!! (Get it?)

--Daniel Worona "Rara Avis"

(PLEASE NOTE: My name is not Author Anonymous.)

This is not a "mean" WEIGHT LOSS HUMOR Web site.

TO BELITTLE IS TO BE LITTLE.

NO WEIGHT LOSS PLAN IS GUARANTEED:

IF YOU WANT A GUARANTEE, BUY A TOASTER.

--CLINT EASTWOOD.

TRY THESE WEIGHT LOSS FOODS:

TWINKIES

Since Twinkies cannot technically be considered food (in a nuclear war, they will outlast even cockroaches), you’re welcome to eat as many of these as you want. They are also VERY valuable for appetite control. Don’t believe me? Eat a dozen of these colon-stoppers and see how your appetite is.

RICE KRISPIE SQUARES

Everybody knows Rice Krispies are made up almost entirely of air. So eating Rice Krispie squares is just like eating air. That thick layer of fudge on the top is just required to keep the squares from floating away. It’s a totally guilt-free snack. In fact, eat the whole pan and you’ll actually get LIGHTER because you’re eating so much air.By Nick Nilsson

HEALTH BENEFITS OF BEING OVERWEIGHTA new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

BEAUTY TIP:A smile is the easiest way to improve your looks.

EAT LIKE A PIG AND YOU WILL LOOK LIKE ONE.Woriginal by Daniel L. Worona

Please include the words "DIET HUMOR"or "WEIGHT LOSS JOKE" in the Subject line, otherwise it will be deleted and unread.

Copyright: by Daniel L. Worona "Rare Bird" Daniel Worona’s LAUGH IT OFF DIET: A compilation of over 333,333.33 DIET HUMOR SAYINGS and DIET JOKES and growing fatter every day.

DIET HUMOR, DIET GURU AND WELLNESS EXPERT DANIEL L. WORONA

Experience: Daniel Worona "RARA AVIS" ("Rare Bird") is a diet guru and fitness expert. He is a retired physical education teacher and personal trainer (They didn't call him DAN DAN THE MUSCLE MAN for nothing). His parents were both "health nuts" and taught him well... wellness. Needless to say, he is a published author, wordsmith, linguist and humorist.

He is looking for a literary agent and major publisher for his collection of more than 333,333.33 DIET HUMOR SAYINGS and DIET JOKES.

He has "searched the world" for more than 55-years for diet humor / humour, diet ditties, diet limericks, weight-loss humor, fat humour and diet slang. Daniel Worona has thousand's of original and unpublished diet humor sayings, diet cartoons, and diet word plays. NO ONE CAN EVEN COME CLOSE TO DULICATING THIS NONESUCH DIET HUMOR COLLECTION.This is the FATTEST and best diet humor / humour collection in the world!!!

WORST-CASE SCENARIO:

DIET HUMOR WEBSITE: danworona.50megs.com

If for some reason my lifelong collection of more than 333,333.33 DIET HUMOR & DIET JOKES is never published, it will probably end up in a trash can.

Who loses? Not me! YOU DO!!! BIG-TIME!!!

Why? Because I have had a ton of fun and a ton of laughs collecting it.

Would you like to enjoy my more than 333,333.33 DIET HUMORsayings collection?