the ups and downs of life

Archive for the month “June, 2011”

I guess some people wonder why I am sensitive. Well, that is part of who I am. Do I like having a tender heart? No. I have tried to toughen it up. And you’d think with all the crap life has handed me that I just wouldn’t care about anything or anyone. It’s actually quite the opposite. I care more. I guard my heart, but once you are in you are in. I don’t give up on people or love easily, which hurts me more than I would like.

I am single and 40. I have two cats. They have been my only “family” for a while. My ex that I was going to marry decided he liked things that are bad for you more than he liked me. He was the only other man I ever fell in love with other than my now ex-husband. I didn’t have a serious relationship for 7 years after my divorce because I just couldn’t open my heart enough. Then the snake slithered in. Then almost 5 years later he slithered out.

You’d think that at 40 I would have my shit together. I wish! I think my 20s really screwed me up pretty bad. I lost both my parents within a span of 12.5 months. I was 25 when Mama died and 26 when Daddy died. In between their deaths I lost my grandmother, grandmother-in-law and a couple of friends. That’s a lot of loss for such a short time. I didn’t get to grieve properly because I was taking care of my father who was dying of lung cancer and emphysema. I was separated from my husband for almost a year to take care of Daddy. It was what I felt was right at the time and looking back I wouldn’t have traded anything for that time with Daddy. I would, on the other hand, trade the ex-husband sooner than he traded me if I could go back. 🙂 But I can’t. So the now ex-hubby and I moved to Asheville, NC after Daddy died and he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t my normal self. Well, it’s called depression. And I had it severely. It was debilitating. I lost my parents. I was an only child. And I had a husband who told me more than once that I should “just get over it.” My dog died soon after my parents. It was my last link to our little family. It seemed that every time I started to get on my feet that I would get knocked down. Then I started healing. And then the next thing I know I came home from work to find my husband holding separation papers. He had packed his stuff while I was at work. Cowardly I think. So I pitched a fit and threw a few things and cussed like a sailor and punched a wall. Then I told him to leave. He did. But not for long. He was confused and was back and forth for about 3 months and finally I had enough. I told him to come home and work on things or stay gone. He chose to stay gone. I chose to try to survive.

By the time I was 30 I was alone and depressed. Through the years I worked in jobs I never felt satisfied in. Then I “fell in love.” What a mess that was! Took years to get to it, and frankly I should have waited LONGER! 🙂 But I fell in love with a charming, good-looking man who turned out to be horrible for me. I won’t discuss all the negativity but let’s just say it was more than one person should tolerate. But I love hard and strong and I don’t give up. Well, finally it came to a point where it wasn’t going to work and I had to see it. I never thought I could hurt as much as when I lost my parents. But I did. Oh God, did I! I had pain inside me that was unbelievable. I loved that man more than he ever deserved. He left me with a pile of bills, an expensive apartment and 2 cats.

I wouldn’t have made it without the cats…they are the ones who loved me unconditionally. I would cry and they would crawl up in my lap and let me just hold them. They sensed the pain I was in and tried their best to comfort me. I could only carry on for them for a while. I didn’t care about anything other than them. Today I care about them AND me. We are surviving. We don’t jump at every sound anymore. They don’t look out the window for their “Daddy” anymore. It is just us. We have people who care, but our family is Amy, Chloe & Soleil.

So sometimes if I am overly sensitive, please understand…I don’t want to be or mean to be. I’ve been through a lot and am really sensitive. I can’t help it. Believe me I have tried! But if you take the time to know me, then you’ll realize I can be your best friend if you are good to me. And if you’re not, I can be your worst enemy…ask the ex. 🙂

I discovered in the last few years that art truly soothes my soul. Music does, too, but I can’t create music. I can hold a semi-tune but I don’t feel comfortable singing. Painting is my thing. And the funny thing is I didn’t know this until a few years back. The first time I ever considered painting was about 8 years go with a friend in a restaurant. We live in a town that is known for art. We were in a small restaurant and they displayed art from local artists. I kept looking at this one painting and couldn’t take my mind eyes off of it. It wasn’t the Mona Lisa or anything. It was a blue barn. For some reason that barn captivated me. My friend was like, “What’s wrong with you?” I told her that barn just had my heart for some reason. Then I calmly said, “I could paint that.” She laughed and said, “Ummm…Amy, you don’t paint.” My immediate response was, “But I can.” It makes me laugh now because I had never picked up a paint brush other than to paint my bedroom. But I knew I could. It took me about 4 years to decide to paint. I don’t know why that long. I suppose life got in the way. But when I created it was an amazing feeling. I am not the greatest artist out there but I love the feeling it gives me.

In order to paint, though, I have to be in the right mindset and have that “feeling.” Through the last few months I wasn’t sure I could or would have that feeling again. When my heart aches I don’t want to do anything. But I have tried to keep painting and think I haven’t done too badly. I’m really glad I pushed through the pain and lifted that brush again. The blending and mixing of colors takes me out of the moment and allows me to just feel the colors.

Ok…so I have been sad. I have to do something to push that sadness away. I have been very artistic. I am working on two paintings and another paper project. Beauty inspires me so that has been the goal for today. Beauty. I do need some more supplies but I honestly don’t feel like getting out to get them. I have some things I can still work with here and will continue to do so until I have no more supplies! I have also been working on other writing as well. I am working on what I hope will be a great magazine article. I am also considering a story which could work itself into a book. I am very grateful God gave me creativity. It keeps my mind busy even when things suck. So I hope you all have a good day and I pray I do, too. I’m tired of bad ones.