On My Mind Lately..

movingon

Something I do a lot is make lists. I like to write things down in ink, making them permanent in my mind. Last year I started this thing that I think I’ll continue doing for years to come. You see I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions, I think you should continuously be improving yourself and your life for the better. Instead, I make goals and dreams for myself for the next year of my life. So right before my twentieth birthday, I started thinking and praying about what I wanted out of the next year of my life. I wrote all of these things down in my Notes app on my phone. This way I could look at it, and cross them off once I have accomplished them to my own satisfaction. I had a list of about fifteen things for my year twenty. As I’m about to turn twenty one, I’ve been thinking about what I have and haven’t accomplished throughout year twenty. The majority of my list has been checked off, and I’d say I’m pretty satisfied with the blessings of this year. One thing I think has been potently alive in my life throughout this last year that I nowhere near anticipated was this: change.

The entire last year of my life has been in a constant spiral, a never ending circle of change. The majority of the things that have changed are things I never thought would happen-but well, here we are.

-I fell in love. Going along with this trend, this is the number one thing I absolutely never expected. I met a guy-a God fearing, genuine man. He absolutely, completely, and has forever changed my life.

-I moved twice, and will be moving again in just a few short weeks. This is crazy to me. It’s crazy, and stressful, and I so deeply look forward to this being the last big move I make for quite some time to come. I am so very much the person to follow her heart wherever it takes me. Sometimes though, that can be interpreted as unwise to some people. Sometimes I think the same, but I know I’ll never be fully satisfied unless I follow my heart and where I feel called to be.

-I served the Lord both in the states, and internationally. I was really against my international mission trip at first. Mainly just because I was terrified-but the Lord called, and I followed. Not for one moment during or since have I ever regretted putting myself where He asked me to go.

All of these things have been crazy, but they’ve each been amazing in their own special ways. In all reality though, my heart has been craving something different for a while now. I’m hoping and praying whole heartedly that this year, my change slows to a steady limited pace. It’s just exhausting you know? Having to pack up your life, unpack it all, try to nest your new location of ‘home’ into your life…just to do it all again maybe three months later in the most. I understand to a certain extent that this is what college is like. But it’s just different for me. I have never been the kind of woman that fits in with this college life regularly. The point where my life is, is that I’m ready for my heart to settle down a bit. I’d like to be in one place, with my one person, and keep myself there and steady.

Hopefully, this will be something to happen throughout my twenty one. I’m getting closer, so I guess we’ll see.

I’m really such a fool. Only an hour before, I had just gotten done telling my very best friend, basically why I’m the most stupid person out there. Or now so it seems. I had just told her that maybe she didn’t have to be so protective of me this time. That maybe she wouldn’t have to be as worried that something terrible would happen to my heart again. I told her that maybe things would be different for once. Who knew, right? Well, my maybe to her was a big fat no-and she was right. That wife: 1. This wife: -10.

This time though, I won’t burst out of this situation raging, fuming, and filled with remorse. This time, I’ll go peacefully. Knowing that yet again, I’ve done all that I could. In the past I’ve loved, I’ve trusted, I’ve opened up-only to be reassured that you can’t be trusted. Now, I just have to learn. It’s a scarring thing…being in a relationship with a pathological liar. One can assume how much potential damage it carries through to every new relationship opportunity. Let me just tell you, that that is a very real thing. Something I am gaining wisdom on, however, is that it’s not everyone else. It’s not any new guy that could potentially come into my life. It’s not the thought of any other relationship. It’s not them. It’s you. You are the one who can’t be trusted, not by me anyway. It’s time to accept that. I think I’ve learned it a little more at a time. But now it’s come to a determination point, where I feel like I see it more full on, versus the small increments. It’s at a point where I won’t be hopeful for it anymore. It’s where it needs to be. And that’s okay, good rather.

For that moment, or that hour, it did suck. The feeling of hot and sticky tears of so many hurtful years running down my face. The saddest part, I don’t even care enough to ask you why. There’s just radio silence. Nothing left to say, and nothing left to do. It just is. Or was.

I guess I’ve concluded that you were the reason there were never seemingly sparks with anyone else. Secretly, deep down I still did long for your heart. I still yearned for the feeling of being in your arms again. Repeating the memories I had cherished for years. Something sad is that I really think I could have let it all go. Let all the past lie where it may and move forward with you. I think I could have moved on from it all, but still not forget. We don’t forget so we can learn. So we can remember what the pain felt like. Remember what not to do. Remember why we tell ourselves to walk away. I know now that I had it in my heart to push forward, the thoughts of you again in my life. Seeing you as a completely new person, even just for moments at a time. But again, you took that away from me.

Maybe that’s the reason I get so sick to my stomach every time I’m with you, or think seriously about you. I truly think, as I have for a while, that it’s God’s giant billboard of caution to my heart. Warning. You know better. Turn back now.

I know you didn’t do it to hurt me, but it still hurt. I know that you had the best of intentions at heart. But that’s just irrelevant. Actions speak louder than words. Your actions simply contradict everything I believe in, everything I stand for, everything I know I deserve.

It’s just really sad. And it takes a long time and a whole lot of God to heal. Simple, right?

I think you’re the reason I got as ‘good’ at writing as people like to tell me. If I never felt all of the scarring hurt because of us, I wouldn’t have had to much sadness to write about. Always over here looking on the bright side.

So please don’t think that I don’t forgive you. I forgive you. I understand that we all have things that we battle with on a daily basis. But the things that you’re battling are scarring to me, and that’s not something I can just be okay with. There has to be a line drawn in the sand. Showing myself and God that I know how I can honor Him better. So here’s your line in my life. Consider yourself forgiven, and drawn.

So with one last hug, a kiss on the cheek goodbye, I’m left with the bleeding paper cuts from the words I write about you. And you’re left with the wet tears my cheek left on yours. But the blood will dry, and so will the tears.

We’re just a collaboration of bones, filled with qualities that we decide to see in a person. Just loving this person that could or could not be filled with hot air and oozing internal liquids. How messed up.

I constantly wonder if I’m truly what you wished to have in a daughter. You told me a week and a half ago that you couldn’t ever wish for anyone more. But did you mean it? Truly? Because then you made a mistake that cost so much, and yet nothing at all. I think it may have cost you your relationship with me though. And neither of you seem to care at all. Why is that? How is it to me that you only love and reach out to those around us who fail you? Why do you only care about those who seem to care the least about you? What is it about our relationship that makes you despise me? What is it going to take? Because I’ll forever be over here looking for you to see me. Notice me. Love me. And yet it’s so heartbreaking to me. You’re the two people who are supposed to offer the most love and support, and it’s such a foreign thought to you. We have such different perceptions of what that even means. Sometimes I think I will be endlessly praying for it. Driving down the road asking God to put Him as the love I constantly seek, and to let go of my longing for yours. Biological or not, maybe it will just never happen. Ultimately, it’s up to God.

Closure and forgiveness. In so many areas, it’s just so necessary. I don’t think it really became so super clear to me the effect it has on my life until literally this week. Harboring these hurt feelings, all of these emotions, has SUCH a heavy burden on my heart. But how does one with such a wrecked and damaged past simply let it all go? I just have to. I have to give it to God, every morning I awake. I have to remind myself that He holds the world. I have to forgive you. I have to let all of the hurt and pain go back to Hell where it all came from. I won’t harbor these bitter feelings towards you. There’s no point. You can’t have that control, it’s useless and undeserved of me to feel. The anchors can be released. Keep moving forward.

Chin up darling, your tiara’s falling.

The fact that so few people know the such huge things that are affecting my life. Day in and day out. The thoughts preoccupy my mind and heart but such little is shared. A new found person. Where have you been the past twenty years? The day, will forever remain utterly unexplainable. I don’t understand how that even happened or came to be. After such a long time. It’s mind blowing. I can’t wrap my head around how similar to you I am. Such a huge part of my life was forever abandoned. Who says it still isn’t going to be? All I’ve ever known are the stories I’ve been told. Drilled into my mind by the people that thought they knew you the most. But people change. And things change. And life happens when you’re growing up and allowing God to shape you into this completely new person. My biggest lesson from this recent happening? People have the potential to be so much more than you think they are. Let go of the gossip. The ‘truths.’ Let go of cynicism. Trust that God is placing in your life what He deems necessary. That’s it.

Mind blowing. Certain things happen literally out of nowhere, and I can’t explain it. Isn’t it pretty sad that my mind automatically resorts to assuming things will break, hurt, and end. Because of the past and everything I’ve dealt with. Makes me want to snap myself into focus, and remind myself. Not everyone is going to be painful, damaging, manipulative. It’s not all going to work out the way it always has. Someday, God will have it right in front of you. Did you ever think that He never let it happen until you really gave it all to Him? When you finally surrendered to Him your life, your heart, and the freedom for Him to work within it all? Maybe that’s all it took. Surrender. Que perspective shift.

You have such timidity, and then you have days like you keep having. Great days. Days where you’re continuously smiling and laughing, completely carefree. When you don’t have to try and think about it all. Where it just clicks for the first time in such a long time. Will you let yourself hope again? Will you get in your own mind? Just give it to God. Continuously. Remember again what it feels like to be beautifully free in someone else’s arms.

Alright, So it turns out the second week of year twenty was way more eventful and lesson filled than the first. First of all, basically it’s been decided that the answer to just about any question I could have is about as simple as ‘Jesus.’ Literally, like why is ice cream amazing? Jesus. Why do I love to sleep so much, but function so well on so little? Jesus. More importantly, who alone should you run to when you’re lonely? Yea, Jesus.

The first moral of this week, is a very simple mantra of mine:

Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT reach out to any exes when you’re lonely. Not an ex boyfriend, not an ex fling, not an ex crush.

I don’t care if it’s an ex-treme situation. Or an ex-citing story to tell them about only they would understand. Don’t even try to tell me any kind of ex-cuse. Because honey, my mind has used them all. Instead, remind yourself of who they really turned out to be in your life. Use them as an ex-ample of what you don’t want to let your heart settle for. If you don’t protect your own heart, nobody else will. And it’s beyond ex-hausting to continously bandage up your still gushing wounds.

So yea, just don’t do it. Simple.

Instead, reach out to Jesus. Seriously? I don’t even need to go on. Y’allready know how amazing He is. How He fills every void we think is too low inside ourselves for anyone to reach? Welp, guess what? Jesus is everywhere. And only His love can touch the untouchable broken parts within you.

I have spent literally far too long avoiding. I avoid exes to reduce drama and reduce any chance of awkward conflicts I don’t deem necessary in my life. It’s gotten to be more stressful to try and avoid the conflicts, than I think the conflicts would actually be at this point. I spend so much time constantly checking over my shoulders. Making sure in certain situations that I’m safe, that I’ve got my own back. Literally seems insane, but you just never know….especially not with you two. Not with the things you do to get ahold of me. Really though, seems like both of you need to get ahold of your own realities, and steer clear from mine, of which you think is yours. Confusing, huh? I literally avoid places that I am supposed to feel the absolute most comfortable and safe…just because I don’t want to be targeted by you. I avoid my old friends because I don’t want you to be around, I don’t want you to be brought up. I simply just want to be left alone.

Talk about a cry for help.

Anyway, onwards. My lesson this week, has been to screw the rule book on avoidance. You want to be creepy and confrontational? Whatever. Bring it. Just prepare yourself for a thoroughly peeved off version of Hannah that won’t hold back. Example A: this blog. I’m done hiding and shying away from anything in my life, because I’m scared of you. I’ve got the absolute Greatest Protector, and He’s got my best interest at heart. So, there’s that.

Last but not least, my lesson is my own happiness.

I literally love so much to be happy. I am really taking advantage of any opportunity I can to just find the best in things. Certain aspects of life are always going to be unideal. That’s why it’s life. However, that doesn’t mean at all that I have to be down, blue, or a grumpasaurus because of conditional things. Of course, I’m a full on supporter of the ice cream, romance movie, cry-your-eyes-out-into-your-pillow kind of night. But grieve it out, get up, and push forward. Life is precious. Every second deserves to be cherished, and through it all God more than deserves to be honored.

Today I am so sick and tired of running around in the same circle over and over. Sick and tired of dealing with people hidden within masquerades. So sick and absolutely tired of immaturity.

Today is one of those days that you send a text to your Daddio. ‘Why do guys suck dad?’

It’s a really frustrating thing. This whole ‘be in relation with others’ hooplah. I know it’s not really hooplah, but for the sake of today, it’s going to be exactly that for me. I sometimes wish I could be one of those people that could honestly care less about it. I wish I could be one of those women that don’t need no man! And I know I don’t need one, but for once, I just wish it would’ve worked out. I just wish it would’ve been different than you try your hardest not to expect to happen. These are the situations that define the stereotype of the rest of your kind, ‘You’re just like every other guy.’ Really though, you never expect things to end up the way they do. You seek out the best in people. When you meet someone, you are charmed. Completely blind sided by how amazing they seem. Like you could never imagine any reason you’d ever get frustrated at them. Like you literally don’t expect that so soon, you’re already so absolutely fed up.

Even when I feel like I hate this ridiculous broken hearted feeling, I don’t know how to get away from it. Yes, to you and probably most of the world, it’s a few weeks. It’s just different for me. I’ve never known how to put it into the right definitive words. What a very select few get about me is my heart. My heart is everything you could wonder about me, it will tell you anything you need to know. I care. That being said is such a small word to really define it’s depths within me. I truly pray, hope, and seek out the absolute best for everyone. I would do whatever it took to make sure everyone around me has the best they ever could have. What really irks me about that, is that in moments like these-really crappy, emotionally taken advantage of moments-I really despise my heart. Times like right now, I wish I knew how to hold back the way that I care. The ability to pick and choose when to open up, or brush someone off like it’s nothing. Saving it for people that I feel won’t take advantage of it. Although you would think that nobody would be able to do something so shallow. I can’t even comprehend how pathetic and sad that wish is of my heart. Even though my bitter mood may temporarily think that, I don’t ever truly want that. I don’t ever want to feel like I need to withhold the beauty I’ve been blessed with of caring on such a deep level for others.

Today though, I just can’t wrap my head around it. I feel so annoyed, hopeless, and bitter. I’m so far past blaming any guy that I’ve had feelings for. I don’t see the point in that, as for the most part they were pretty decent people. With a few exceptions of course-and y’all know who you are as you’re creeping this very post. Now it’s to the point where I literally want to go to any ex boyfriend or ‘thing’ that I had in my life at some point and ask them what it is. What is it about me that makes it not work? I rant the same situation over and over and over, but nothing ever changes. So what is that thing that I do or say or something that makes absolute sure nothing good ever comes out of me caring about any of you?

Deep down, even as I sit here extremely irate, I know my own answer. God. I still haven’t given God the time and space He needs and dang well deserves to work within my heart fully. I know that when I can do that, so many things in my life and in my heart will fall into place. Everything will. I guess now all there is to do is let you all go. Let go of this ridiculous notion that anyone will ever be ‘truly good.’ Rather, focus on letting God work within me, instead of dreaming you’ll end up different than the last. Here’s to hoping.