Ever wanted to be in charge? Well, in my own little world I will be, one day. Just not quite yet. I'm a bit tired at the moment... maybe I'll take over after I've had my little nap.
The United Dingdom - stating the bleeding obvious so you don't have to.
(Sign up to get updates direct to email or follow @Battsby on Twitter)

Pages

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Krautgate

Well, I say chaps; bit of a hoo-hah, what? Seems dear old
Boris has been upsetting Johnny Foreigner. Good show! Why do you think Tess put
him in post in the first place? You see, your average foreign fella lacks the sheer
sense of fun to belong to the same club as we jolly ‘Englanders’, as I believe
they like to call us, as if we’d be insulted. Actually, we love being referred
to as Englanders because it upsets the Jocks and the Taffs and the Paddies so
much. What larks!

It seems good old Boz said “If Monsieur Hollande wants to administer punishment beatings to anybody
who chooses to escape, rather in the manner of some World War 2 movie, then I
don't think that that is the way forward and I don't think it's in the interests
of our friends and partners.” Bally well spot on, I think you’ll agree. And
given that what he meant was – I saw his first draft – “If that jumped-up Vichy-Frog, Nazi collaborator, cheese-snaffling
surrender gibbon thinks he’s man enough...” I’d say it was a pretty diplomatic
response to the gibe. Still, it was enough to send the apologist fifth
columnists into a spin.

Of course, that nasty piece of phlegm, Guy Verhofstadt,
who, because he’s not English, pronounces his name the same way as the
clarified butter that makes Paki cooking so greasy, waded in with the unhelpful
tweet: “Yet more abhorrent & deeply
unhelpful comments from @Boris Johnson which PM May should condemn.” To
which Michael Gove cheerily replied “People
"offended" by The Foreign Secretary's comments today are humourless,
deliberately obtuse, snowflakes-it's a witty metaphor” hashtag-getalife” Sporty
stuff all round.

The Prime Minister's official spokeswoman brushed off
suggestions that the Foreign Secretary should apologise, describing his
comments as a "theatrical comparison". This is entirely apt as we
find ourselves in Panto season – another British tradition that the unwashed
masses beyond our shores will never fully comprehend. They’re only jealous
because they’re not us; as Flanders and Swann put it: “It’s knowing they’re foreign that makes them so mad.” But what is
there to apologise for anyway?

If we can’t rub along without a bit of good-natured
banter, what kind of an alliance do they think we have? I mean, your average Dago
spends half the day asleep, the Eye-ties are more concerned with their shoes
than with getting the job done and the Zorbas all grow moustaches in honour of their
mothers. It’s all harmless fun, but you do need a sense of self-deprecating
humour to understand. Which brings us to Jerry. Herr Merkel’s millions are so
bloody earnest they wouldn’t know a pun from a palindrome and couldn’t
acknowledge the craft in either. Life must be difficult, spending your every
waking hour apologising for... well, you know.

Don't mention the war.

I suppose we ought to make allowances for the poor
bastards, born without the benefits of being British. It’s not their fault they
didn’t win the lottery of life; it must be tricky being from such indeterminate
stock and so easily riled. All of the EU is in meltdown over Brexit so we maybe
should cut them some slack. And most of all we shouldn’t upset the Hun; the
sausage-eating, jack-booted, swastika toting, heel-clicking Bosch can be quite
sensitive about that sort of thing. The least we should do is not mention the
war.