Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Bill O'Reilly Wants You to Know That a Lot of Black People Are Like Regular People

Who would have guessed that Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly was such a daredevil? He certainly proved as much when he recently ate dinner at a restaurant run by black people...in Harlem, where I understand a lot of black people live. Not only has O'Reilly stared death in the face in such a manner and lived to tell the tale, he has returned to enlighten the rest of the world of the fact that--get this--black people behave just like regular people in restaurants.

O'Reilly described his experience in Sylvia's as "like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun...and there wasn't any kind of craziness at all."

They were sitting? They were ordering food? And there wasn't any kind of craziness? At all? No murder, rape, or even one stolen television?

If your jaw isn't already on the floor in total surprise, you ought to wire it shut before you read this next bombshell: according to O'Reilly, "there wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M.F.-er, I want more iced tea.'"

Not one! Naturally, this revelation is hard to swallow...but Bill O'Reilly saw it with his own eyes, so it must be true.

Thank God (who I'm still going to assume is white unless Bill O'Reilly tells me otherwise) that there are people like Bill O'Reilly in the world, selflessly venturing into untouched lands of mystery like Harlem and Anita Baker concerts (where he discovered that sometimes black people wear tuxedos! just like regular people!) in the name of racial tolerance and understanding so we don't have to.

O'Reilly said that the experiences have made him believe that black Americans are "starting to think more and more for themselves." If there is veracity to that belief, it's a bittersweet truth...for it means that black Americans will never watch Fox News and learn of all the great strides Bill O'Reilly is making for them.