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Monday, June 29, 2015

7 Thoughts from Adoption

1) I have never loved my husband more than I do now as I see him embrace the role of being a Dad. I love hearing him talk about our kids and all of the things he looks forward to doing with them, seeing how excited he gets as we prepare for their arrival, and listening to him talk about how much he already loves them. The other day he was talking about how he can't wait to discover what they are interested in and then helping them pursue those passions. It's conversations like that that make me fall head over heels all over again for that boy :)

2) White privilege can't be denied or ignored. Our transracial adoption has really begun to open my eyes to this reality. Many of us, if not most of us, don't recognize the daily privileges we have in this country simply because of our white skin. I'm not simply talking about racism, where people seek out and assert privilege over a race other than their own, however, I am talking about the unspoken, unintentional, often unnoticed advantages we have here because we are white. Yes this is more evident in certain parts of the country than others, but truthfully, it's everywhere. I have certainly been one to be oblivious in many ways to this in the past, and as I learn more about it, I feel a sincere obligation to continue learning and find the best ways to advocate on behalf of my children.

3) Adoptive parents also grieve the loss of their children's birth parents. I have read a ton about helping children through the grieving process, and for the kids, this is a process that I expect to work through with them and I feel prepared to handle. However, for myself, this really snuck up on me. I have had a very difficult time these past couple of weeks as I think about our children's biological parents. It breaks my heart into a million pieces that they don't get to see their beautiful children grow up. Here we are, in the midst of the most wonderful blessing we could ever imagine, and yet sometimes we forget that our blessing is born from unthinkable tragedy. I use to only reflect on the loss that the children experience, but as I step forward as their mom, I now also view their story from the eyes of a parent. It's painful in so many ways. I wish their birth parents could know that we will love their little children fiercely, raise them to remember and honor them and their Ethiopian family and heritage, and that we will provide for them the very best life we possibly can. We will face a lifetime of questions, many that will forever go unanswered. We know very little about their mom and dad, and hope to learn more from the memories our kids carry with them. Adoption is the most wonderful thing, but the intense history behind any adoption story is very tough.

4) The adoption community is unlike any other network of support I have ever been a part of. It's amazing, really. I have met some of the most wonderful people through online support groups that I have been added into. I can't even tell you how many moms have spent hours on the phone with me or writing back and forth via email to answer my questions, give me advice, share experiences, etc. There is even a group for learning how style and care for African American hair and skin-super helpful! These families have blessed me so much over the course of our adoption process as they have either been through it or are currently in the process alongside of us, and I really couldn't ask for a more supportive community to surround ourselves with as we continue to move forward.

5) Expectations are everything. I don't listen to timelines anymore. If you tell us we can expect something by such-and such-date, I'm going to add on a few extra months to that just to be safe (though I still pray for a much faster result--always hope but never expect). Safe from what? Frustration, mostly. In a process that is already so stinkin' long, there is nothing worse than passing an expected due date on the calendar with no end in sight for the completion of the task. Adoption is so unpredictable considering there are so many different people who have their hands in the process, and I would much rather be surprised in a positive way with something taking less time than predicted than vice-versa. This is true with anything in life, really. "Expectations are the root of all headache." -Shakespeare

6) God is so good with surprises! Three kids, really?! Biological siblings, God? Our agency told us that wasn't possible! SURPRISE! We were just as surprised as the rest of you probably are, but in the best possible way! This is truly a dream come true for me. And this goes back to #1 as well when I talked about Patrick--when I first approached him with this opportunity I wasn't sure how he would react to the idea of 3 kids, but here we are now and he and I both couldn't be any more excited. Could I be married to anyone more perfect for me? NO! The ways that God has worked in both of us to bring this whole adoption together amazes me.

7) "Your life's work is where the needs of the world and the joys of your heart intersect." I'm not sure where I read this quote, but I wrote it in my journal almost six years ago and it has been something that I have thought a lot about ever since. I wrote this when I was living in Texas and working as a foster mom with an agency there, and at the time, I remember very clearly feeling called towards adoption. Today, this quote has come alive for me. It finally fully makes sense. I knew when I read this that I needed to discover or create this connection in my own life. My purpose. My life's work. I am so grateful for the journey that has brought me here.