Life’s pretty harsh, isn’t it?

Life forces us to move. You just have to do your best in order to survive.

Life fucks us all.

Personally my life is easy physically but hard emotionally and psychically. Imagine sitting all days indoors, like some sort of inmate.

I’m sick with being sick with schizophrenia.

Back in the day I had a decent life, had a job where I got 2000 Litas, the disability paycheck I’ve got was another 500 Litas. So with 2500 Litas I could live decently. But my working time didn’t last long, just 3 months. Then I’ve got sick with schizophrenia.

Also I have heart disability from birth. I’m kinda a disabled man. But that doesn’t prohibit me from wanting more from life.

Being disabled has it’s challenges. Most of all I want my father to be alive, he got killed when I was 6. He went to Poland to do business and didn’t return. Some bad people killed him.

I also would love to be healthy. Now I can’t drive a car because I use antipsychotic drugs which slow down my reaction time. I’m always on drugs.

I regret my father being dead. If he was alive my life would be different, my brother’s life would be different.

My father wanted to earn a million, I bet if he was alive he had that million, but money killed him. Well not money, but bad people. Who wanted money. I remember I told him don’t go. As if I knew he won’t return. But that’s just life.

When you see people die on TV, you never imagine this kinda shit can happen to you. The TV shows real events. It’s not acting like some people tell. Real life shit happens to real life people.

My father was a well guy. He loved me so much, but I kinda don’t remember much of those times. It’s been almost 25 years since he’s gone. My grandfather died (mom’s dad) 9 years ago somewhat. My grandmother died (dad’s mom) also many years ago.

You just keep losing people when you’re at young age. Life fucks us hard, life fucked me hard.

And you know what, people who die fade away slowly. Time heals and how my guitar teacher told: “people die and then it becomes as if they never were”. Thoughts about dead one’s sometimes occur, but rarely.

It’s just life. I can’t imagine how will I live when my mom dies because my mom supports the family with money, she’s the only one working.

My brother does some kinda shit, he doesn’t go to work. He’s lazy. He wants a disability paycheck, so he didn’t have to go to work. He’s always: “maybe I’m disabled, got to go to the doctor”. He avoids the army, he avoids most things in life. He plays Path of Exile on his computer and Counter Strike 1.6. He’s not the working type.

I personally want a job, but nobody hires me. I’m not good enough. I keep sending emails to employers, but they don’t respond. I keep sending, maybe I’ll get a job with a computer. Clicking buttons in predefined order is easy. I could do that.

Despite that I’m sick with schizophrenia I have analytical and critical thinking which isn’t bad. When bad days of schizophrenia happen my mind just twists. I know I could do a disability on schizophrenia but I don’t bother. Now I have a disability till 2053, then I’ll get a bums pension which is 200€ now. Maybe later in life they’ll increase the pension. Because I have no work experience. To get a pension you need to work 40-45 years and they keep increasing those years.

My life isn’t bad, I kinda enjoy my life, but all I want is a stable income. Having something to do aka a job, getting cash would be great.

I’m kinda good at PPC advertising, Facebook ads, Google ads. I know this shit, but there are no jobs and if there are people don’t hire me.

I’m kinda desperate for cash. I wanted to be a millionaire but grew up to realize I’m not going to be one due to fact that I’m kinda lazy and disabled. If I was healthy, my mind was healthy I kinda would do my best. But I always wanted more. I kinda want to be a teacher, but I don’t know what to teach. I’m good at philosophy. I kinda got things figured out.

Life fucks us all, doesn’t it.

I’m fed up being poor, but I have this victim mentality. I don’t know why. My parents spoiled me. Back in the day I did some minor business but now everything went to crap. Back in the day life was easier, maybe because I was young and healthyish.