School “lockdowns” in response to gun violence: It’s become almost a daily occurrence in the U.S. Indeed, school gun violence incidents have gotten so absurdly commonplace that many of us don’t even blink an eye as the latest red-letter alert crawls across our computer or TV screens. As I write this, two more such lockdowns are underway — at Yale University in Connecticut and here in North Carolina at Vance-Granville Community College. Talk about evidence that this madness is an equal opportunity plague.

It’s gotten so bad that it probably won’t be long before we see a news story like the following:

NRA calls for universal lockdown to combat school shootings

In response to the 750th American school shooting in the last six months, the National Rifle Association announced today that it is calling for an immediate, national and permanent lockdown of all schools, businesses and places of worship in the country. Under the NRA proposal, only individuals carrying firearms will be allowed to enter or exit any of the specified facilities. The proposal would make an exception for children under 12 entering and exiting under the protection of an armed parent or guardian.

“We’re just plain tired of people saying the NRA doesn’t care about school shootings in our country,” said NRA President-for-life Wayne LaPierre, “and we’re ready to step up to the plate with a policy proposal that protects that most precious and cherished of American assets — namely, our Second Amendment rights.” LaPierre added that the policy might have ancillary benefits as well. “It might save a couple of kids too,” he said.

The response from lawmakers of both parties was overwhelmingly positive. Senators Ted Cruz (R. Tex) and Rand Paul (R. Ky.) issued a joint statement promising to introduce the NRA proposal (what they said would be called “The Charlton Heston Second Amendment Preservation and Expansion Act”) and win passage in both houses with veto proof majorities in a matter of hours. “Both of us entered into a sacred covenant with our constituents when we were sent to Washington — namely to shut up and do whatever the NRA tells us to do — unless, of course, Grover Norquist or the Koch Brothers direct otherwise.”

President Obama voiced modest concerns about the bill, stating that: “While I have no fundamental objection to the idea of the Heston Act, I do think modest tweaks might be necessary so that, for instance, one parent can escort more than one child and so that kids can perhaps attend soccer practice on weekends under the protection of armed coaches.” The President also added his suggestion that “perhaps some of the guns should be licensed.”

LaPierre immediately dismissed Obama’s suggestions as “Just the kind of mealy-mouthed, pinko talk you’d expect from a Kenyan socialist. If we’re going to make this country safe once and for all for the Second Amendment, compromise isn’t the answer.”

7 Comments

Sean D Sorrentino

November 25, 2013 at 3:24 pm

Come on, you can do better than this.

Or maybe you can’t, and that’s just sad.

Paul Valone

November 25, 2013 at 6:16 pm

Be sensitive, Sean. You have to understand: Members of the left are so busy being shrill and bitter that they have no time for a sense of humor. In a rainbow world, we must embrace all kinds, even the perennially dull.

750th American school shooting in the last six months? I call BS. List them.

LtCol Stephen A. Bonning

November 26, 2013 at 4:44 pm

The data from the FBI and DOJ shows that school shootings are actually very rare and stable over the psst few years–just getting more press coverage; many of the called-in ‘shooter with a gun’ are hoaxes or mistakes by panic-driven fools (?Yale). Unfortunately, liberals and progressives don’t do well with facts and hard data. They’re too busy living in a fantasy world where only THEIR information is accurate, and only THEY know what’s best for the rest of society.

Dale

November 26, 2013 at 6:59 pm

The ability to carry a gun for protection has expanded state by state and homicide in the U.S. is at a 50 year low. All someone like Mr. Scofield has left is demagogery.