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We have been talking about finding a new book to strengthen our relationship. We were struggling in where to begin. Thinking of posting a suggestion thread. Then low and behold there is a picture of this guy on the left side of the screen that I see hundreds of times a day. I was under the assumption that he was just there to dress up for holidays.

Has anyone used his book and workbook?

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2813 | Registered: Aug 2012

SisterMilkshake♀ 30024Member # 30024

Posted: 11:03 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014

slight t/j Chicho ~ do you see Dr. Phil today? I haven't seen him since MH changed over to our holiday themes.

I haven't used the book or workbooks, but I do have his book "Relationship Rescue". Haven't gotten around to reading it yet.

As far as non A focused books we have read together:
"The Marriage you have always Dreamed of" by Greg Smalley
And
"The 5 love languages"
Both of them blew us away.

For A related stuff, Broevil read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and Currently Not Just Friends. I have skimmed both and do the exercises with her when they come up. We started reading After the Affair together and put it in hold for NJF.

I have read Finding Freedom in Forgiveness as well.

t/j answer. Yea I see him everyday even with holiday changes.

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2813 | Registered: Aug 2012

DixieD♀ 33457Member # 33457

Posted: 11:41 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014

I think I'll open my own used book store. So many books, so little time.

Harville Hendrix has relationship books and workbooks and I've heard good stuff about John Gottman's books too. Haven't dived into them yet.

Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011

SisterMilkshake♀ 30024Member # 30024

Posted: 11:43 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014

WOW! No Dr. Phil for me. I really like him, too. Weird that he isn't on my pages.

Chicho, NJF is a book that FWH and I read together. It did more for us than MC. We would each read a chapter a week, mark things that we wanted to talk about and have a time each week (about an hour) to discuss what stood out to us in that chapter. We had some of the most emotional, deep, intimate discussions we have ever had in our married lives. It was often time a springboard into other discussions.

That was the book I was going to recommend if you hadn't read it already.

I second Dixie D on the Harville Hendrix. Although we haven't gotten to them yet, his Imago therapy is an expansion on what we learned at Retrouvaille. Retrouvaille was fantastic and I heard that the Imago books and workbooks are even better than Retrouvaille.

I have always liked Gottman's stuff. Much more marriage based than recovery from infidelity shit based.

Read NJf. It's really good. No skimming!!! ;-)

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 7148 | Registered: Jan 2011

Lucky2HaveMe♀ 13333Member # 13333

Posted: 11:56 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014

I read Relationship Rescue. The premise is if you want the relationship to change, look at yourself. The only person you can change is you.

I would have loved H to read it with me, but not only is he not a reader, he "*hates* Dr Phil.

I recommend.

Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 7514 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY

AFrayedKnot♂ 36622Member # 36622

Posted: 11:59 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014

I looked into Retrouvaille. They seemed pretty firm on it is only for married couples not cohabitating couples. Even though I dont agree with their perspective I still respect it.

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2813 | Registered: Aug 2012

SisterMilkshake♀ 30024Member # 30024

Posted: 12:02 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014

You aren't legally married, Chicho? They don't check marriage licenses, but I would imagine that deception isn't the way to go into anything. *sigh* They are a Catholic based group, so I understand their stance, also.

The first one we read was "What Makes Love Last?" by John Gottman, I think it's a great book with lots of helpful things though we read it before I had full disclosure so that taints it a bit for me. We bought two copies and marked them up, we would both like to re-read it now, with our new and deeper understanding.

We started NJF but it fell to the wayside.

I read "Beyond Affairs" by Peggy Vaughn right after full disclosure DDay, it had some helpful info and insights but some aspects were hard (Peggy was SO perfect etc)

I also read "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" by Anne Bercht. This book was a way for me to feel more "normal", I hadn't found you guys yet and I felt so alone. But in the end I hated it. I've always been curious if others have read this one and what they thought....

I really want to read the "5 Love Languages", it sounds great.

Also, I'm going to look up the Harville Hendrix one, my IC did one joint session with H and me and we did IMAGO, we both really liked it.

Maybe I'll check out Dr. Phil too...

Thanks for the topic Chicho!

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 1082 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada

SisterMilkshake♀ 30024Member # 30024

Posted: 12:14 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014

"My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" by Anne Bercht.

I notice Anne Brecht early on....seemed pretty credible....but since then have moved away from their stance. Too close to rug sweeping for me.

We have signed up for Retrouvaille....required by some family courts in Missouri before D is granted so it must have some good material.

We did a "Weekend to Remember"....it was good....and probably came at the right time for us. Wife was no longer in the fog, but was very much picking and choosing how much she was going to help heal that which she hurt. It was moderately intense....so don't get the impression it was just a romantic weekend. Cheap too....think we were out maybe $300 total including 2 nights lodging.

A memorable quote from our weekned to remember was

"My husband and I both divorced our previous spouses. We thought by doing so we got rid of the "problem". We are now 10 months into our marriage to each other....and we both see the same problem we thought we divorced! This weekend helped us really see who we are and what we are choosing to do."

another good quote was

"We have been married 50 years....we wish we would have gone to a weekend to remember 40 years ago".

So real value is in these weekends Chico....while christian based they don't exclude non-married couples. In fact there were some boyfriend girlfriend couples at ours and some engaged couples too.....using that as part of their pre-M courtship. A GREAT IDEA and one that I will most likely use with our daughters and for kids of our close friends.....much better than a toaster oven or a weekend condo rental.

Books:

5 Love Languages was valuable. 'Course, you have to learn how to really speak the others language AND the other has to be open to "listening" to it from you. You won't get it right all at once....so some patience and committment to the process is needed.

Boundaries in Marriage was the single greatest, non-A related book I have read. Simply outstanding. I see why this is required study material for those in pre-M counseling.....Lord how I wished I had read this decades ago. It really is a must-read.

No, I never felt safe enough to ask. Talk about following my gut. Since we started R, I told her when she knows I am safe enough she can ask me.

LTHM, thanks, that sounds like a premise I could get with.

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2813 | Registered: Aug 2012

rachelc♀ 30314Member # 30314

Posted: 12:27 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014

5 Love Languages

I've read this one twice. My LL changed after the affairs.

Now, it just doesn't matter. I'm receptive to all yet none of them will make a difference in my healing. He can do all kinds of acts of service but it won't take away the pain. There needs to be a LL book for oneself.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”

Posts: 7471 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest

spond♂ 41686Member # 41686

Posted: 12:29 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014

Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch was pretty good. It isn't about recovering from an A.
It more of conflict resolution and building intimacy.

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2813 | Registered: Aug 2012

blakesteele♂ 38044Member # 38044

Posted: 1:28 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014

T/J

Chicho...pardon this but I don't PM female SI members, but see one that I want to encourage.

Rachelc....

I'm receptive to all yet none of them will make a difference in my healing.

I have been following your posts....from the outside it appears you are moving towards NOT being receptive to R, wonder if you really ARE receptive to your husband trying to speak your LL? Do you think your combined affairs are actual deal breakers for you both? It seems as if your husband is also not receptive to R and listening to LL from you to him.

There needs to be a LL book for oneself.

...that could be a good area of focus for you.

I remember my IC sessions revolving around "Does blakesteele love blakesteele"? I answered yes pretty quickly....but then was challenged to really examine this. The answer stayed yes...but to have a deeper grasp of what "yes" meant took 4 sessions!

And that deeper meaning has made a tremendous difference internally.

....just like learning english....speaking another LL is not a flawless journey. You will use a "word" inappropriately, you will lack "words" at times. What you think you communicated is not what actually got communicated. If your spouse is onboard with helping you learn it....they will engage you further to help you. If your spouse is not, they will hurt your efforts to grow and change.

In the case of adultery....when this stumble happens from a fWS to a BS...the BS is tempted to tie the stumble back to the A ("I bet you had no problem speaking fAP LL!"). When this stumble happens from a BS to a fWS.....the fWS is tempted to tie the stumble back to their decision to have an A ("See, I was right....my spouse simply can't fullfill me like my fAP did." or maybe "Adultery is bad, but I really DID marry the wrong person").

How many times have folks on here said R would be so much easier if we didn't have the additional pain of adultery? Since you have both experienced the pain and trauma from being both a fWS and a BS....it is more challenging.

I have been following your posts....from the outside it appears you are moving towards NOT being receptive to R, wonder if you really ARE receptive to your husband trying to speak your LL? Do you think your combined affairs are actual deal breakers for you both? It seems as if your husband is also not receptive to R and listening to LL from you to him.

I think you may be onto something. He was so great to me this am. We had MC yesterday and MC asked what I wanted from him and I answered - a gigantic declaration of how much he loves me - I was referring to a sacrificial restitution like moving, but hubby took it literally and shouts that he loves me and gives me a bear hug and then puts his arms up - it's funny! So, he's trying...

but my point is, I'm beyond love languages... it seems so unimportant now. He can shower them all down on me but the task at hand revolves around me and letting go, accepting, trusting, being ok no matter what happens, etc. There has to be a leap of faith by me because I think he is all in...

we also talked about faking it til you make it at MC and I don't agree with this but MC insists there is actual proof that it works. So after the big hug goodbye this am he could tell I was not all there and asked what was wrong. I said I was faking it, my love for him wasn't fake, but pretending that my life is great is.. his face fell. So, I should have faked it. I feel badly about that. But it's true. I'm still not there.
But I'm getting closer.

end t/j

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”