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NEW YORK–a visibly angry Donald Trump today demanded a full recount of the November presidential election “in all 55 states,” saying that his margin of victory had been badly underestimated.

“My numbers show that I defeated Hillary Clinton by more than one hundred million votes,” said Trump at an impromptu press conference. “They also show that I won more electoral votes than anyone else in history, and also that I placed first in the all-around women’s gymnastics in Rio.”

The Federal Election Commission, caught off-guard, released a statement later in the day denying the existence of Trump’s extra four states, which included North Idaho, Central Texas, West America, and Eastern West Virginia.

“The whole system is rigged,” said Trump, deftly executing a back handspring down the escalator at Trump Tower.

NEW YORK–Hillary Clinton’s longstanding grudge against actor Ed O’Neill erupted again during the presidential debate on Monday night, when she launched a lengthy tirade against the actor best known for his roles on Married…With Children as well as Modern Family.

To the surprise of the audience and dismay of her campaign staff, Clinton was in the middle of a lengthy technical discussion of trade policy when she veered off course to attack O’Neill.

“The TPP let us down in key areas of tariff reduction,” said Clinton. “But you know who else let us down? Ed O’Neill, that big loser.”

Clinton went on to make fun of O’Neill’s achievements. “Nominated for three primetime Emmys. Who does that?” she asked rhetorically. “Losers who can’t act, that’s who.”

Hillary Clinton’s resentment of O’Neill dates back to his days portraying Al Bundy on Married. Friends trace the cause of the bad blood to a time when, for no reason at all, she started to criticize him a lot for no good reason and just couldn’t let it go.

While Clinton’s staff desperately tried to change the subject, the candidate was unmoved. “We’ve got two more debates,” she warned. “If Ed O’Neill believes he’s going to get out of them unscathed, he has another think coming.”

Clinton is known for mouthing off about people she doesn’t like for no reason whatsoever.

SAN FRANCISCO–Carly Fiorina’s vice-presidential campaign is struggling, with little attention from the media and fundraising problems, sources close to Fiorina say. The candidate herself is said to be “concerned” that she may not be getting enough traction to be elected in November.

“I don’t know what the problem is,” said a top aide, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Carly is a great candidate–she speaks well, her policies are well-thought-through, and she appeals to groups across the political spectrum. But she just doesn’t seem to be making the headway that we thought she would.”

Fiorina announced her candidacy for vice-president in late April, and garnered significant media attention for a few weeks, with many calling her announcement–before the presidential primaries were even over–“bold” and even “unusual.” Since then, however, her rallies have been sparsely attended, and few donors have lined up behind her.

“I’d like to support her,” said Paul Singer, a wealthy Republican donor. “But…sorry, what are you asking me about again? Is this a trick question?”
Sources close to Fiorina say that she is “coming to accept that she may not be our next vice-president.”

WASHINGTON—in a statement explaining that “we have an obligation to the American people to get to the bottom of how we can keep our diplomats safe,” the chairman of the Select Committee on Benghazi, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R—SC) today announced that the committee would investigate whether Hillary Clinton had copied answers from a classmate on an in-class math quiz in 1956.

“Nothing is more important than keeping our investigation tightly focused and non-partisan,” explained Gowdy. “That’s why we need to understand whether Hillary Clinton’s criminal behavior started in high school or grade school.”

According to Gowdy, the committee recently received an anonymous tip from a caller who said that he had heard from someone that Clinton had “flagrantly” copied all of the answers to the 8- and 9-times table from Becky Sheehan, a classmate at Park Ridge Elementary School outside Chicago.

“Obviously, we are not here to generate headlines, or to imply that Hillary Clinton essentially murdered four American diplomats,” said Gowdy. “We simply want the truth.”

BLACK ROCK DESERT, Nevada–Hillary Clinton, under pressure to show a common touch after her much-derided appearance at the Iowa State Fair, decided to hold a fundraiser at the Burning Man festival this week. However, sources close to the campaign said that she was “really disappointed” with the results.

“We came away with two back massages, a pound of lentils, and a whole lot of weed,” admitted campaign spokesman Doug Macreavy. “While we didn’t expect Wall Street-level donations, this was below what we were hoping for.”

Burning Man expert Jonathan Dill noted that “you wouldn’t expect a far-right candidate like Clinton to get very far here,” adding that “it’s hard to imagine anyone more conservative–what would that even look like?”

According to Macreavy, Clinton’s next event to show her connection to regular people will be to line up a bunch of working-class people in Ohio and fly her jet down low over their heads.

Clinton was disappointed to learn that this was not the prototype of a Pentagon Walking Death Robot.

WASHINGTON—while the Republican and Democratic primary processes have several months to run, Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton have reached an agreement to “skip all of that stuff” and kick off the general election, according to a joint statement released today by both campaigns.

“While we realize that selecting a party’s nominee for the presidency is one of the most important rights and duties of American citizens,” the statement read, “we all know how this thing is going to end, right? It’s not like you really have any choice in the matter. So can we just get on with it?

A spokesman for the Clinton campaign explained that “while there will be all these ups and downs and manufactured crises” over the next nine months, “Jeb and Hillary agree that the nominations of each party are too important to be left to voters,” and that it would be better for everyone to just get moving.

Under the terms of the agreement, Bush and Clinton will start attacking each other immediately and ignoring their “so-called rivals” for the nomination.

Said a spokesman for Jeb Bush, “we know the primary has to continue, but, I mean…come on.”

Suspicions that Bush was not taking the primary campaign entirely seriously began to emerge during the first Republican debate, when he was seen playing Angry Birds 2 while Rand Paul argued with Chris Christie.
It would be really nice if Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush would appear on stage together, soon, so that we can stop using stupid split photos like this one.

NEW YORK–after a 48-hour stretch in which Carly Fiorina, Ben Carson, and then Mike Huckabee all declared their candidacies for the Republican presidential nomination, the powerful American Association of Nominally Nonpartisan Political Humor Bloggers (AANNPHB) demanded that the Republican leadership intervene to space out future announcements.

“Fringe Republican candidates are among this nation’s most treasured humor resources,” said Dan Winterson, Vice-President of Topic Selection for twissblog, one of the founding members of AANNPHB. “Three declarations in two days is just a tragic waste of potential. It’s like flaring natural gas at the wellhead.”

Another twissblog employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that acrimony had broken out at twissblog’s weekly all-staff meeting, when dozens of employees angrily protested the blog’s failure to cover the three announcements in detail.

“They’ve got a point,” said Winterson. “But there’s not much we can do. The party leadership needs to step in and make sure that the no-hoper candidates declare at least a week apart, so that America can exploit their deep reserves of potential for mockery in an efficient, environmentally sound manner.”

With Mitt Romney out of the race, and “a lot of the crazies already in,” Winterson said that twissblog was currently storing a supply of jokes in deep underground bunkers. “We know we’ve got to make these guys last almost a year,” he said. “That’s what makes it even worse to see events moving so quickly right now.”