Welcome to the 3rd installment of this series based on the many insanebizarreridiculous amusing Internet Search Terms that lead creepsweirdosobsessive/compulsives your average children, teens, adults, or senior citizens to my blog. The Divine Ms. L. addresses more questions to which Internet Searchers crave answers.

If you missed the other installments,click here and here. You never want to miss anything around here.

Some questions are fully formed. Other are implied. All indicate that some pathetic soul(s) eager information-seeker(s) went to my blog to find their answers. DISCLAIMER: I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling which qualifies me to listen to your problems until you figure them out, but I’m on thin ice when it comes to providing advice. DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER: All “questions” (inferred and direct) are as they appeared on my “Stats” Page.

Shall we begin? Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

“Magic assistant disappeared.” Forgive my naiveté about the world of Illusionists, but isn’t that what magician’s assistants are supposed to do? If you mean that she (and I assume your assistant was female) didn’t reappear when you opened the box or flared your cape, then you should file a missing persons report to the proper authorities, not search the Internet to find her. You might also want to check to see if any cash is missing as well. She may “just” be your assistant, but I bet she has a few tricks of her own. A woman gets tired of being crammed in small places, having knives thrown at her, and being sawed in half for entertainment. Trust me. I know.

That's the last time I fall for a job ad like that.

“I am 53 and would like to have a boyfriend.” Honey, this is Lorna’s Voice, not Lorna’s Choice of Available Men. Do I in any way send out a “Pimpette” vibe? Yes, I’m a smart, savvy, sexy, blonde, bombshell; but that doesn’t mean I have a stable of stallions I loan out to all you Lonely Hearts out there. There are plenty of sketchy reputable dating sites, but I can’t endorse any of them because I don’t get a piece of their actionit would be wrong I’ve never used any of them so I don’t know what I’m taking about. I suggest you find a flattering picture of Jennifer Aniston yourself, write a succinct narrative about what an awesome 35 53-year-old you are and investigate some highly effective Wicca love rituals.

Totally believable because she doesn't wear her hair like that anymore. With the proper incantation, your "Perfect Match" won't notice the minor differences in appearance or age.

“Is my wife Lorna really hot?” Obviously this person is referring to a “Lorna” other than me. I am not anyone’s wife anymore and of course I’m really hot; anyone who knows me wouldn’t have to ask that question. Okay. Now that that’s settled, back to the searcher’s question… If you are asking the question on the Internet, I’m concerned more about your marriage than the relative wowza-factor of your wife. Who out there do you think will give you the answer you seek? Prior lovers? Do you really want their assessment of how hot they think your wife is? I suggest couples counseling…yesterday.

"Lorna" is an unusual name. If she's also a Scorpio, what the heck did you expect when you married her? Of course she's hot!

“Is there such a thing as a squirrel-proof bird-feeder?” Yes. An empty bird-feeder is a squirrel-proof bird-feeder once the squirrels have figured out that they’ve eaten all the bird seeds. The squirrel-proof bird-feeder, I should warn you, is also a bird-proof bird-feeder.

“Was I a bat in a former life?” If you have a craving for insects and/or having balls thrown at you, I’d have to say it’s a strong possibility.

“I feel like a screw is loose in my head.” Don’t we all at one time or another? Thank you for sharing.

“How do I pose for a naughty picture to send to my boyfriend?” I’m afraid that Search Engines are getting the wrong impression of my blog. But to answer your question, put a bright red garment of your choice in with his underwear and wash in hot water. His underwear will all be pink. Take a picture of your surrounded with his all-pink undergarments. He will think that was awfully naughty of you.

Well, you could try a more flattering shot...

“Are Buddhists allowed to fart?” I had to go back to the ancient scripts of the Buddha himself to seek an answer to this expelling compelling question. Much to my surprise, the Buddha mentions every human condition under the sun except for farting. I suppose he left some mysteries for us mere mortals to wrestle with ourselves. I’m no Buddhist scholar, but I believe that Buddhists, like all humans, are allowed to fart IF: they are aware they are farting, are present in the moment of the fart, do not cling to the fart, and hold no judgement about the fart or its aftermath. This elevates farting to an enlightened experience, thus brings the Buddhist closer to Nirvana (as anyone who’s been holding in a fart and finally releases it knows).

You know, people who type in profound questions and trust that the blogosphere will be some great, mystic oracle get what they deserve when they end up at weird-ass, lame sites. Except I didn’t mean your site. Because it’s so NOT weird-ass or lame. Just in general that’s what they would get. Somewhere else. Nevermind – I’ll stop now.

So much valuable information here. Buddhist farts? I am not a Catholic any more, but I can tell you that the Catholics of my childhood held extreme judgments about the fart and its aftermath during mass. I also recall one brave and talented boy who cut one in the confessional, causing the priest to step out his door and glare at the rest of us 8 yr old sinners. But the boy was forgiven after saying 10 Hail Mary’s, well worth it to him I am sure.

I’ve loved these posts and after the first one went back and checked my search words. None are as intriguing as yours. I’ll have to start blogging with more interesting words like “snowman hairballs.” Fun post.

Thanks, Lorna, but there are few things funnier than watching squirrels spin, actually. It is hilarious. And the cardinals love the feeder too. Crows don’t and that’s a good thing.

My strangest Google ever was when I couldn’t remember the title or author of a children’s book my son had loved as a 10 year old when I wanted to give it to my great niece. So I googled “Children’s books with farting dwarves.” Bingo — The Artemis Fowle Series, by Eoin Colfer.

Actually, I have a bird-feeder that spins (without a motor) and squirrels can’t touch the seeds. Only the small birds have figured out that they can feed there, through. So the pair of cardinals are gone. If you’re interested in the motorless feeder, I can send you a link to their website. I just didn’t want to promote a commercial website on my blog. Email me @ dizzylorna@hotmail.com.

I would strongly advise against this course of action. Sitting on acorns is very uncomfortable and any movement while screwing nails (as opposed to hammering screws) can cause you to slip and cause a scar that would require a snake tattoo. As for the blonde wig…that may explain why you are trying to screw a nail, but it will make it more difficult to get nailed where you want it. If you’re not a real blonde, there’s no point in trying to fake it. Does that clear things up for you?

Well, Al, it depends on why you need to give the rozzer the dropsey. If you have a good lawyer and you were just fooling around, then I’d say it is crackers. Otherwise, ditch the rozzer any way you can. Does that help you?

What did you do as a young boy that would make you wonder about this all your life, that’s what I want to know! 😉

Hilarious! But I beg to differ on the existence of a squirrel proof bird feeder. We had one that, when the squirrel steps on it, grabbed them and spun them around. It worked for a year until they figured out how to ride it out and wore out the motor. We have another one on order, though. Because it was worth it watching them spin. PETA please, no squirrels were harmed in the drafting of this comment.