How To: Pull Off A Heist

Case the joint

Once you've selected your target, make sure you know absolutely everything about it. That includes obtaining building blueprints that identify all entry and exit points, as well as ventilation ducts. Luckily for you, that information can be easily obtained from City Hall. Next comes the real legwork. Get your inside man to provide answers to the following key questions:

Where are the security cameras placed?

Is there a security alarm? If so, is it linked directly to the police?

How many armed guards are there on the premises? What time do their shifts begin and end?

What are the store’s/bank’s hours of operation?

Are the store’s/bank’s employees likely to offer resistance?

When is the store/bank at its busiest?

These questions are just the beginning. Ideally, you’ll have such an overabundance of information that you’ll know when a guard has to scratch his ass even before he does.

Prepare, prepare, prepare

Now that you've done your homework, it's essential to make sure everyone is on the same page. That means drilling your crew until everyone understands precisely what their job is. Do the gunmen know where the security guards are? Does the safecracker have an adequate supply of nitroglycerin and blasting caps? Does the driver of the getaway car know which route to take? Has everyone remembered to use the washroom? It's your job to make sure each person knows his role inside and out. After all, your lives might just depend upon it.

Come up with a contingency plan

Let’s be perfectly honest: The fact that America’s penal institutions are overflowing is proof that not every crime goes according to plan. Therefore, it’s essential to prepare for the worst. That means establishing a secondary location to meet up after the heist and selecting a safe place to stash the cash. Remember: Loose lips sink ships, so keep all information as discreet as possible.

Get the proper gear

The last thing you want is for anyone to identify you, so it's important to have an appropriate disguise. In general, sunglasses are perfect for holding up gas stations, nylon stockings are ideal for knocking over corner stores, and rubber masks of dead presidents are great for banks and federal institutions. Hey, we don't make up the rules, Hollywood does.

Compose yourself

Before you commit your heist, take a few moments to loosen up and compose yourself. If you’ve prepared adequately, you should be able to anticipate and deal with every stressful scenario that could arise.

Execute

After several weeks of planning, it's now time to do the deed. No matter what happens in the heat of the heist, it’s your responsibility to remain in control. Remember: You’re a prepared professional, not a petty thief. Besides, if all goes well, the entire job should be over in a few minutes, just like sex!

Keep a low profile

If your heist is successful, the cops are guaranteed to be hot on your tail. Now is the perfect time to enjoy an island getaway or to simply leave the city for a month or two until the whole mess blows over. Whatever you do, don’t draw attention to yourself by buying any big-ticket items.

ramblers get ramblin’

Forget everything you’ve ever heard about crime not paying. Crime still pays. Getting caught, however, does not. As long as you manage to stay one step ahead of the law, your very own heist is guaranteed to be a success.