ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES

-It happened at the pub quiz-

The curtains are closed but it is light out,Del’s bar is brimming with empty and half empty bottles of booze,there are party hats and streamers everywhere,the tables are full of bottles of booze too,on the wall is a home made banner,it say’s Happy Birthday.Trigger is asleep on the Sofa in his blue suit.

RODNEYdo you know what im gonna do,im gonna go down the market and im gonna make some money for my self?

ALBERT.Leave off Rodney,the last time you went out selling on ya own you came back with more stock than you started with.

DEL.Plus you need a certain something called cash to be able to trade,you know the old saying,you have to speculate to Incubate.

RODNEY.Ive got money.

DEL.Where?

RODNEY.It’s Friday innit.

DEL.So?

RODNEY.It’s pay day,so come on cough up.

DEL.Your a cheeky sod you are,go on ,there’s a fiver in my coat pocket.

ROD.A fiver?

DEL.I know it’s more than ya worht,but go on,im feeling generous.

ROD.Nine hours a day, five days a week, selling in that market is worth more than a fiver,Del.

DEL.I know it is,but that aint what you do is it?…you spend nine hours a day,five days a week,standing in the market.Perhaps if you bloody sold something once in a while I’d be able to pay you a proper wage,until then,if I aint got it,you can’t have it.

ROD.Right,no,that’s ok,im gonna show you Del,im now gonna get dressed,and im gonna take that fiver,and im going to trade,and any money I make is mine,Ok?

DEL.Go on then,go on Mr free enterprise,you take your fiver,and you go do a bit on ya own,you tried that before remember,it was about as successful as Albert’s radar reading lessons.

Albert Reacts

ROD.I’ll show ya.

ALBERT.Thats the spirit son,thats the sort of mentality that won us the war,we stuck two fingers up in the face of adversity.

Mike is behind the bar seving a young couple,a man plys the fruit machine,and 2 workers sit eating a lunch,we see a flyer on the wall that advertises the pub quiz.

MIKE.That’s four firty please.

MAN.There ya go mate,have one ya self.

MIKE.Oh no thanks,not after last night,i’ll put it in the charity box.

MAN.Please your self.

Boycie enters.

BOYCIE.Good afternoon Michael,i’ll have a Mineral water.

MIKE.So your suffering as well then?

BOYCIE.Yes,my head feels like it went bouncing down the side of a perticilaly rocky cliff face and forgot to tell me.

MIKE.It was a good do was’nt it.

BOYCIE.Ive been to better,many,many better.

MIKE.Your missus seemed to enjoy herself.

BOYCIE.The less said about her the better.

MIKE.Ere,what about Del and his Elvis Presley impression?

BOYCIE.Is that what it was,I thought he was having a fit

Mike laughs.

MIKE.Have you heard the latest?

BOYCIE.What’s that?

MIKE.I popped into the market this morning to get some veg for the hot pots and I bumped into Rodney,he’s only trading alone now.

BOYCIE.Good god,still,it might be worth popping down there later.

MIKE.Why’s that Boyce?

BOYCIE.Cuz the last time he was allowed out without supervision he was flogging the gear off cheaper than Del paid for it.

MIKE.I don’t know,what is he like?

BOYCIE.What else can you expect from A Trotter,the whole family remind me very much of brand new Skoda.

MIKE.Hows that?

BOYCIE.Outside they look very nice,but inside things just aint right (trademark laugh)

Trigger enters.

BOYCIE.Speaking of things that aint right.Trigger.

TRIGGER.Alright Boycie,Mike.

MIKE.Don’t tell me,Something non-alcoholic?

TRIGGER.That could be anything in here Mike.

MIKE.Thats slander that is Trig,now,what ya drinking?

TRIGGER.Just an orange juice after last night.

MIKE.I don’t blame ya.

BOYCIE.Are you all set for the big quiz tonight,Trig?

TRIGGER.Yeah,i’ll be here Boyce.

BOYCIE.Marleens indoors now,reading,getting herself prepared.

MIKE.What,boning up on the old general knowledge?

BOYCIE.No the daft old cow is reading a bloody Mills and Boon,she say’s they help her concentrate.

MIKE.You still hav’nt registered a team yet Trig,your allowed two more people on your side ya know?

TRIG.That’s all right Mike,Im going it alone,don’t have to share the prize money that way.

MIKE.Oh,I see,what about you Boycie,are you having a third player or is it just you and Marleen?

BOYCIE.Leave off Mike,unless you’ve got questions about Boots’ make up counter or the Chelsea flower show Ive got no chance with her,no no,Denzil shall be joining me,I presume the Trotter’s are involved.

MIKE.Yep,Del was the first to register actually,and he paid his fee upfront.

TRIGGER.Who else is in it then Mike?

MIKE.Well theres Mickey and Jevon,Sid and Young Towzer,and I reckon a few more will join in by tonight.

TRIGGER.Im gonna spend all afternoon revising the answers.

MIKE.What do you mean revise the answer’s?….you don’t know the bleeding questions yet.

TRIGGER.No,but ive got a book indoors,one thousand and one pub quiz questions and answers,bound to be in there somewhere.

He leaves.

BOYCIE.Well that’s a turn up innit?

MIKE.Yeah,I can’t believe he’s gonna sit there and read all them questions and look up the answers.

BOYCIE.I was referring to the fact that Trigger owns a book.

INT.NIGHT. THE TROTTERS FLAT.

Del is combing his hair in the mirror,he is dressed in trousers and shirt.

Albert enters,he is wearing his suit and his medals,he is very over dressed for a pub quiz.

DEL.I would have thought that Rodney would have been home by now look,its nearly six o clock.

ALBERT.He’s out to prove a point aint he?

DEL.The only point he’ll prove is that he’s not cut out for being the main man in this partnership,he aint got no killer instinct,he aint got no savvy ,and he aint got that one thing that seperates other traders and bussinessmen from blokes like me,he’s got no Mont Grenoble petis falous,as they say in the Paris bussiness district

ALBERT.Well he should do allright then.

The outside door goes.

DEL.Talk of the plonker.

RODNEY.Good evening Gents.

DEL.Your in a good mood aint ya?

RODNEY.I am,yes.

ALBERT.Why?you went out of here with a face like a sunken ship.

RODNEY.Im in a good mood Albert because I like proving people wrong,especialy him.

DEL.How much have ya come back with then?

Rodney takes a bundle of notes out of his pocket and slams them defiantly down on the table,he is acting very “plonker”y.

RODNEY.Fifty quid.

DEL.Fifty quid Rodders,thats good innit?

RODNEY.Not too bad.

DEL.How did you get it then?

RODNEY.Oh no Del,I can’t go sharing the tricks of the trade,lets just say I done abit here,I done a bit there.

DEL.Well,I’ll have to see about getting you a higher profile roll in this partnership won’t I?

ALBERT.You could get him to check the oil in the van in the morning and it would be more high profile than what he does at the moment.

RODNEY.You’ve got a good point there Unc,my day’s of doing the lookout dutys are long gone.

DEL.Well yeah,course,we can’t have the future Peckham trader of the year standing on street corners with his hands in his pockets,can we?

DEL.Oh before ya go,I nearly forgot,Jevon phoned for ya, he needs that fifty quid he lent ya back by next saturday,cuz he’s taking some sort to see a show.

Rodney goes to speak but is too embaressed and walk out into his room.

EXT.NIGHT THE NAGS HEAD.

We see the car park of the pub is almost full,on the door is a sign advertising tonights quiz night.

INT.NIGHT THE NAGS HEAD.

The pub is busy,Mike is serving and Nerys is collecting glasses.

Boycie,Denzil,Marlean,Trigger,Mickey and Jevon sit on a table.

BOYCIE.I hope you two have got your brain in gear tonight.

DENZIL.Im quite good at these sort of things,They had one at the Swaying Oak in Jellicoe Road a couple of months back.

MARLEAN.Ohh,did you win it?

DENZIL.No,came fifth.

MICKEY.Im more interested in pulling than winning this quiz,I fancy showing a sort a good time.

BOYCIE.The only way you could show a bird a good time is by letting another bloke take her out.

JEVON.Well iv’e never had any problems in that department,Ive had more birds than the RSPB.

DENZIL.Trouble is they fly away after a fortnight.

They laugh,including Boycies.

Mike comes over.

MIKE.Do any of you chaps wanna buy a genuine Aranian silk dressing gown,only a tenner?

MICKEY.That’s that old crap Del was seling isnt it?

MIKE.Yeah.

JEVON.I had one of them off him,the seam had come away after 2 nights.

BOYCIE.I think you know what you can do with them Mike.

TRIGGER.Put us one behind the bar Mike,I’ll see ya for it later.

They react.

The Trotters enter.

BOYCIE.Look out here come’s King Creole.

DEL.Shut up Boycie,come on what ya all drinking,Rodneys buying.

They murmer orders ect.

DEL.Mike,giz what ever that mob are on,Albert will have a rum,Rodneys is a pint,and I’ll have a Shivers Regal and Pimms,oh yeah,and throw in the answers to tonights quiz.

MIKE.Oi,don’t,the brewery’s put this prize money up,it’s there way of getting more punters in.

ALBERT.You aughta try lowering ya prices.

MIKE.He’s a sarky sod int he?

DEL.Well what can ya do,he’s too old to be sent to bed early and too old for a smack in the eye.

They go join the others with the tray of drinks Mike has just done,Rod pays.

DEL.Here ya go chaps,are you ready for a hammering tonight then?

BOYCIE.Do me a favour Delboy,me and Denzil are gonna walk it.

MARLEAN.Aint you forgetting someone?

BOYCIE.Oh yeah,and Marlean.

JEVON.Me and Mick have got this tied up.

MICKEY.Yeah,we know our general knowledge.

DEL.Yeah but there aint gonna be many questions about Giro cheques and Dole que’s.

MICKEY.Very funny.

RODNEY.Listen at you lot would ya,it’s only a game.

TRIGGER.Dave’s right,lets just enjoy it.

Mike rings a bell.

MIKE.Alright who are we waiting for?

DEL.Sid and Towzer aint here yet.

They enter.

DEL.Come on you two,we’re now kicking off.

SID.Sorry but I had the health inspector in.

BOYCIE.That’s you closed down then.

SID.Actually,he said everything was fine and passed me.

DEL.How much did that cost ya.

SID.Seventy quid.

MIKE.Come on the ladie’s and Gents get the drinks in then sit in your teams.

INT.NIGHT. LATER.

Everyone is now sat in their teams.

MIKE.Right,the questions have been independantly choosen by Nerys here,and were taken from the Brewerys official pub quiz book,available after the quiz for five ninety nine,there will be twenty five questions in all,cob=vering a variety of subjects.

MIKE.Question one.Sport,in what year did Spurs first win the FA cup.

We see the teams whispering ect.

We cut to another scene.

MIKE.Question nine.History,what was the name of the man who’s assasination led to the start of World War two?

DEL.Here ya go Albert,go for it.

ALBERT.What?

DEL.Whats the answer?

ALBERT.I don’t know.

DEL.But you know all about the war,you we’re in it.

ALBERT.Yeah,but I didn’t start it.

RODNEY.From how you talk,you didnt finish it either.

We cut to another scene again.

MIKE.Question fourteen,Math,You walk into a shop with twelve hundred pounds in your pocket,you buy a computer which costs four hundred and forty five pounds…..

DEL.(whispering to Rod)I know where they’r going cheaper than that.

MIKE.When you get to the counter the assisant convinces you to take the two year insurance for another fifty pounds,he also sells you some sofware for twenty eight pounds fifty,he then tells you about the deal they are doing,if you buy an extra keyboard for ten pounds,the cost of insurance is halved,how much money do you come out of the shop with?

We cut to Rodney who is working it out,Del and Albert watch him,others are discussing and counting fingeres ect.

We cut.

MIKE.Twenty fifth and final question.Films,in what year was ‘Gone with the Wind’ released.

ALBERT.I know this one,it was the same year I met me wife.

BOYCIE.what 1902?

ALBERT.No,it was 1939.

DEL.Well done you dippy old sod.

We see everyone else start to write it down.

ALBERT.I took her to see it at the old picture house in Stonecutter way,and believe it or not,exactly one year later to the day,I joined the Navy,three months later i set sail on one of the biggest vessels afloat at the time,HMS Nor”plonker”,it was a mile long and quater of a mile wide.

DEL.And now it’s 3 miles down.

Albert reacts.

MIKE.This is supposed to be a pub quiz not a history lesson,anyway that was the last question so Nerys will now come round and collect your papers so make sure the neame of ya team is on them,and we’ll announce the winner of the hundred pound top prize in a minute.

DEL.Lovely Jubbly,come on lets get the drinks in.

INT.NIGHT. THE NAGS HEAD.

MIKE.Ok,the scores have been counted and we have a winner.

Cheering ect.

MIKE.The team that came in third place we’re Sid and young Towzer,free drink each for you two,in second place,one wrong answer off drawing with the winner was Boycie’s team,theres a bottle of champers up here waiting for ya.

We see Del taunting Bocie.

MIKE.And the winner,of the first annual Nags Head pub quiz,answering 24 out of 25 questions right is….

DEL.Well no but come on,no offence Trig but your not exactly master brain are ya,I mean look at the other day when I asked you what the quickest way to that auction house in Perivale was,what did you say?

TRIGGER.By car.

DEL.By car.

TRIGGER.Well it is.

MIKE.Trig ignore him,i’ll sort ya money out in a minute,alright.

TRIGGER.Alright Mike,no rush.

Del ect all go and ssit back where they were with Boycie ect,Trig goes up the bar.

MIKE.The maths one,about the computer,the answer was six hundred and ninety two pounds fifty,you put six hundred and seventy seven pounds fifty.

TRIG.Oh yeah,so I did.

MIKE.But why,you had the answers.

TRIG.I did’nt fancy that second keyboard.

Mike reacts.

Trig goes and sits with the boys.

DEL.Here he comes look,Albert Einstein.

BOYCIE.More like Albert Steptoe.

DENZIL.Well done Trigger,I’m pleased for ya.

TRIGGER.Thanks Denzil,this money will come in handy,I went and booked a holiday today.

MARLEAN.Oh where ya going,somewhere hot?

TRIGGER.Yeah,im going to Barcelona for a few days,iv’e always wanted to go there,and Ive never been to Italy before.

They look at each other.

RODNEY.You’ll be able to visit the unfinished cathedral,ive always wanted to got there.

DEL.How the bloody hell can he visit it if it’s unfinished,it’ll be like a building site,use ya brains Rodney.

TRIGGER.No Del,it’s still open,its just that in 1882,the archetecht,Gaudi,died before work was completed and then the civil war broke out,public donations meant that work could continue on the church,some of which is still taking place to this day.

They again look at each other.

DEL.How the hell did you know all that.

TRIG.I bought a book about it today,here it is.

Trigger pulls abag from out under the table,and removes a book.

TRIGGER.This tell you all about the history of Barcelona.

Trig opens it and the unfinished cathedral pops up,we now see that it is called ‘The big pop-up book of Barcelona’

They can’t believe what happening.

MARLEAN.Im now going to the ladies room to do my make-up.

BOYCIE.Alright,if your not out in a fortnight i’ll call the paint strippers.

They laugh.

Marlean smiles and leaves.

Two classy looking birds walk in about late 30’s,one is bloned and leggy the other has brown shoulder lengh hair,Del spots them.

DEL.Now that is talking my language.

RODNEY.You mean they’re half French,half stupid.

JEVON.Well lucky for you they’re too old for me.

MICKEY.Yeah,so you have permission to go chat em up Del.

DEL.All in good time Mickey,I gotta make eye contact first.

MICKEY.You don’t wanna bother with all that rubbish,just walk over,slam a Tia Maria on the table and say my names Derek,drink that and get ya coat.

RODNEY.Listen at it would ya,taking adivice about pulling off you is like asking Paverotti for tips on dieting.

MICKEY.Ive had plenty of birds whisper they love me.

DEL.Well they would’nt say it out loud would they,come on Trig what do ya reckon,one each?

TRIG.Yeah,im feeling lucky,lets go.

Trig goes to get up,Del stops him.

DEL.Hang on a minute Trig,We’ve gotta play this one right,as you can see these aint the usual birds we get in here,two half lagers and the promise of a steak mean aint gonna crack this.

TRIG.What shall we do then Del.

DEL.We go over there and we introduce ourselves and we ask the two young ladies if we can buy them a drink.

DEL.I know Bruv,don’t you think it’s hard for me too,I mean Trotters independant traders has been with me for as long as I can remember.

RODNEY.Is she worth it Del?

DEL.Yeah,she is Rodney.

RODNEY.Then I just wanna say one thing.

DEL.No good trying to talk me out of it.

RODNEY.No,I just wanna say,good luck.

DEL.Thanks Bruv.

They stand and stare at each other.

ALBERT.That milks off.

DEL.The world is your Oyster now Rodder’s,you can do what ya want,when ya want.

RODNEY.I suppose so,we’ve had a good run aint we?

DEL.That’s the spirit,things always work out,did I tell you what mum said to me on her death bed?

RODNEY.Things always work out?

DEL.Thats right,this is the beginning,not the end.

RODNEY.Do you know you could be right.

DEL.Got an idea of what you wanna do have ya?

RODNEY.I think I just might have.

EXT.DAY. PECKHAM MARKET.

We see the stalls and the punters then we hear a familiar voice,we then see Rodney,he is selling Victorian style soup bowls from the suit case,Albert keeps lookout.

RODNEY.Come on ladies don’t be mugs,buy my bowels,these aint none of ya China rubbish and best of all they wont fade in ya dishwasher,all yours for three quid a peice.

We see Rod see all of the ones he had in the case.

ALBERT.Is that the last of em Rodney?

RODNEY.Yep,we’re gonna have to pop back to flat and pick up another box full.

ALBERT.Can we get a burger or something first,im starving.

RODNEY.Yeah,come on then.

ALBERT.What do you reckon Del will say when you tell him we’re trading again?

RODNEY.Well I don’t know do I,i aint seen him for three days,I was gonna tell him this morning but he slept at Tina’s again.

ALBERT.Gord knos what he will make of the name of the company,it’s stupid.

RODNEY.There’s nothing wrong with it,it’s catching.

ALBERT.Lets hope I don’t catch it.

As they get into the van we can see that rodney has fixed a peice of card over the word ‘Trotter’s’ on the van,it now reads ‘Rodder’s Independant Trading Co’

EXT.DAY. THE HIGH STREET.

The van pulls up outside quick burger and Albert and Rodney go in.

INT.DAY QUICK BURGER.

It is a McDonalds style fast food restuarant.

Albert and Rodney approach the counter,a man stands with his back to them,he counts the burgers on the grill and marks it down on his sheet.

RODNEY.Excuse me.

The man turns round,he is wearing a bright red cap that says,Quick Burger,and a bright red pinny.As Rod goes to order,the manager comes out of his office with Del.

MANAGER.ok,thank you Mr Trotter,we will be in touch,tell me again,was it the Ritz you spent five years at or the Hilton?

DEL.It was the Ritz.

MANGER.Ah right,see you again.

DEL.Aurivoiur.

He turns and see’s Rod and Albert.

DEL.What are you doin ere?

RODNEY.Thats what I was gonna say,why give up the partnership for this?

DEL.It were’nt my idea Rodder’s.

RODNEY.Tina?

DEL.Well yeah,but she only want’s me to have some money so I can save up.

RODNEY.Save for what?

DEL.Well,you know,we’ve talked about getting a flat together.

RODNEY.A flat,oh this gets better and better,did you ever plan on telling us or is it a secret?

DEL.Secrets,don’t talk to me about secrets,what about you two,trading int ya?

RODNEY.Well we would have told ya but your never in.

DEL.Well im busy at the theatre and that int I?

RODNEY.How have you been getting about,bearing in mind that ive got the van?

DEL.Ive been using Tina’s Escort,lovely motor.

RODNEY.Whats up with the van?

DEL.Tina say’s it embaresses her.

RODNEY.Does it,well poor old Tina,come on Albert lets go.

Albert look’s at Del,shakes his head and leaves

EXT.EVENING. A ROAD.

We see the van drive by,it starts to bang,it pulls over near a phone box.

ALBERT.Whats happened?

RODNEY.Its dead.

ALBERT.What are we gonna do,we can’t leave this here with all that stock in the back.

RODNEY.Well we can’t carry it.

ALBERT.You’ll have to give Del a ring.

RODNEY.No,i’d rather walk.

ALBERT.Well im not walking.

RODNEY.Anyway,Del will be round Tina’s won’t he.

ALBERT.Ive got her phone number here,Del gave me it last time he was home.

RODNEY.Go on then,theres a phone box there.

ALBERT.You phone him.

RODNEY.Giz the number here then.

INT.NIGHT. TINA’S FLAT.

It is a very nice pad,large tv,large miror on the wall,white leather sofa ect.

Del is drinking a glass of wine by the fire place,he looks at a picture of Tina.

Tina enters carrting the phone.

TINA.Derek,it’s your brother.

DEL.Oh what Rodders?

TINA.Yes.

she gives him the phone.

DEL.Whats up Bruv,are you alright?

we cut between the two.

RODNEY.We’ve broken down,would you be able to come and pick us up,we would have got the bus its just that we’ve got some stock in the van.

DEL.Yeah,course no problem,where are ya?

RODNEY.In a road just off Chepstead Avenue.

DEL.Yeah,I know where ya mean,I’ll just make sure it’s ok if i use the old motor.

Del puts the phone to his chest.

DEL.Tina,Rodders and Albert have broken down so im just gonna go sort em out ok sweetheart?

TINA.But we’re going to the Ballet tonight.

DEL.Yeah but it don’t start for two hours.

TINA.I thought we could go out and have a bite to eat first.

DEL.You never mentioned it before.

TINA.It must have slaipped my mind.

DEL.But he’s stuck in the middle of nowhere and they’ve got all there gear in the van.

TINA.Go on then,run to the aid of your little brother,we won’t go out.

DEL.No need to be like.

TINA.You may as well stay at your own place tonight if you’d rather see Rodney than me.

Del puts his hand to his head then talks into the phone.

DEL.You still there Rod?

RODNEY.Yeah.

DEL.You see the thing is Bruv,we’ve gotta be out of here in ten minutes if not we’ll miss the ballet we’ve got booked up.

RODNEY.So your not coming?

DEL.Sorry Rodney,I would have liked………

RODNEY.Shove it Del.

He hangs up.

ALBERT.Whats happened.

RODNEY.It’s her aint it,she told him not to pick us up.

ALBERT.Are you sure?

RODNEY.I could hear her Albert,she told him if he went out to stay out.

ALBERT.And he stayed.

RODNEY.Yep.

ALBERT.What are we gonna do now?

RODNEY.I’ll have to phone Boycie or someone.

INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.

Rodney is eating breakfast,Albert is doing the hoovering.

Del enters.

Rodney looks at him and turns and faces away.

Del looks at Albert,he too,turns.

Del shakes his head and goes into his room.

ALBERT.Del’s home.

RODNEY.I know.

ALBERT.You didnt talk to him.

RODNEY.Nor did you.

ALBERT.I did’nt know what to say.

Del re-enters.

DEL.You could of said,how are things going for you Del,or im pleased that you’ve found happiness Del,but oh no,its all about poor little Rodney aint it.

RODNEY.You’ve got a nerve aint ya,you’ve turned your back on us.

DEL.I have’nt turned my back on ya Rodney.

RODNEY.No,well where were you last night then?

DEL.Im sorry about that but Tina….

RODNEY.Tina,Tina Bloody Tina,thats all we hear,she’s trying to turn you against us Del.

DEL.Oh don’t be a tart all ya life Rodney,she’s not trying to turn me against ya,she’s just helped me realise what I should of realised years ago.

RODNEY.Whats that Del?

ALBERT.I’ll make the beds.

DEL.Thank you Albert,she’s made me realise that im wasting my life by being stuck here,I can’t live my life getting up at six and selling crap all day out of a suitcase,how am I gonna become a millionaire like that,you need to realise at some point Rodney that im not gonna be there for you every time you have a little problem,im getting on Rodders,all my mates are married,and then there’s me,Delboy,what have I got in life?…nothing.

RODNEY.You’ve got us.

DEL.Thats not enough though is it,i need a family i can call my own Rodders,ive always been there for you,but ive never had no one there for me,ive had to clean your messes up and ive had to clean my own up,ive had enough of it,I wanna come home and i want to see a nice meal prepared for me,not pie and chips warmed up in the oven,i wanna get in bed and feel a loving arm around me,do you understand Rodney?

RODNEY.Where does this leave me?

DEL.It leaves you a man,Tina has made me see that your not just holding me back,im holding you back,everytime im there for you its one more time you dont have to fend for yourself,its time to grow up Rodders,I have.

RODNEY.So your gonna go from a eligible batchelor always on the drink and avin’ a laugh to a pipe and slippers man,the kind of guy you said you’d never turn into.

DEL.I…..I….im too old to be messing about all the time Rod,other than Trigger im the only one left.

RODNEY.What do you mean?

DEL.Well all me mates are married int they?

RODNEY.Yeah but look at them,you’ve got Boycie and Marlean,they argue like cat and dog all the time and Denzil and Corinne have been parted more time’s than Tower bridge.

DEL.Mike’s been married for fifteen years.

RODNEY.He aint seen his wife for eleven years though.

DEL.It’s a risk im willing to take Rodder’s.

RODNEYWell I can’t stop ya but it don’t mean I have to like it.

DEL.No you can’t and no it doesn’t.

RODNEY.Are you in tonight?

DEL.Well im in till about eight cuz Tina’s got family round.

RODNEY.Why didnt you stay and meet them.

DEL.What,nah,i’d have only got in the way.

RODNEY.She didnt want ya to did she?

DEL.She’ll let me meet them when she’s ready.

RODNEY.Whatever Del.

EXT.NIGHT. THE NAGS HEAD.

Rodney and Albert are sat at a table playing Dominoes.

Boycie and Trig enter.

MIKE.Yes chaps.

BOYCIE.I’ll have a Brandy,Trigger will have a pint.

MIKE.You going down there tonight?

BOYCIE.Well of course I am,it’s Saturday isn’t it.

TRIGGER.Going where?

BOYCIE.What do you mean going where?,we’ve been going to the Casino on a saturday night for years Trig.

TRIGGER.Have we?

MIKE.Denzil popped in earlier,he’ll be there.

TRIGGER.Its going to be packed tonight,it’s closing down for a re-fit isnt it?

MIKE.Yeah,I heard something about that,free booze and food for people who have been a member for ten years or longer isnt it?

BOYCIE.Thats right,has Delboy been in.

MIKE.I havent seen Del for weeks,Rodney’s over there though.

Boycie goes over.

RODNEY.Alright Boycie.

BOYCIE.No Del tonight?

RODNEY.I would’nt have thought so.

BOYCIE.Is it right he’s moved in with that tart he met in here on quiz night?

RODNEY.Well unofficially yes but he still pops home with his washing for Albert to take down the lauderette.

BOYCIE.Don’t she do that then?

RODNEY.No,she aint got a machine.

BOYCIE.It must be serious if he’s missing tonight for her,it’s free booze and food for long time members.

Del and Tina enter.

TINA.Don’t be long.

DEL.I’ll just say hello to everyone then we’ll go,ok darlin’?

TINA.It’ll have to be won’t it.

BOYCIE.Delboy,you made it after all.

DEL.Just popped in for a quick one Boycie.

TRIGGER.I suppose your getting down there early with it being free food and drink,and their flogging all there old gear off.

DEL.What are you talking about Trig?

TRIGGER.The casino,its closing down tonight.

DEL.Oh yeah,I forgot about that,do you fancy going down there for a look love?

TINA.No i do not,your not spending your money in no smelly casino,you said you we’re gonna use your wages to get me a washing machine,then you wont have to go back to that flat at all.

DEL.O.k petal I won’t go if it will make you happy.

TINA.It will,come on Del let’s go,I don’t like it in here.

BOYCIE.Is it right you work in a burger bar now?

TINA.No he didnt get the job so he’s aiming a bit higher.

BOYCIE.I hear Mike looking for a cleaner.

TINA.Come on Derek im not gonna stand here and watch you get the mickey took out of you.

She leaves.

DEL.I better go then.

TRIGGER.You aint said hello to Dave yet.

DEL.Oh i didnt know he was here,say hello to him Trig,see ya.

EXT.NIGHT. THE NAGS HEAD CAR PARK.

Del comes out and Tina is waiting for him.

TINA.I don’t want you drinking in there no more.

DEL.But ive been going there since I was nine.

TINA.I don’t care it’s full of loud mouths,have’nt you noticed them?

DEL.Yeah,there me mate’s.

TINA.Well if you want mates like that I suggest you get another girlfriend,Sue finished your mate for the same reason,well that and the fact that he put the dirty dishes in her washing machine,is that what you want?

She walks off.

INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.

No one is up,Del enters directing two men in overalls.

DEL.Thats right,put it down over there,cheers fella’s.

The men leave a large box.

Rodney come’s through.

RODNEY.What’s going on?

DEL.I bought Tina a present,im gonna give it to her later so ive bought it round her so she don’t see it.

RODNEY.Boycie mentioned something in the casino last night about a washing machine you we’re going to buy her.

DEL.That’s right,you left early last night didnt ya,come to that,you all did.

RODNEY.Believe it or not Del,but Boycie,Trig and Denzil wer’ent having a good time.

DEL.Why?

RODNEY.Because you wer’ent there.

DEL.Bloomin’ hell.

RODNEY.Yep,they said it wer’ent the same…..hang on,how did you know we left early?

DEL.I popped in at last knockings.

RODNEY.She let you out did she?

DEL.She didnt have much choice Rodder’s.

RODNEY.Did you tell her straight?

DEL.I didn’t tell her anything,I just left when she was asleep.

RODNEY.Nice one.

DEL.She aint gonna be happy when she gets up.

The phone rings.

Del answers it.

DEL.Hello…………oh hello Tina….yeah I did leave early.well I had to pick your present up,yeah ive got it here now,yes it is big,yes it does spin……..you know what it is do you?…..well i’ll pop it round later ok?…ok then,see ya.

RODNEY.You really told her Del.

DEL.Open that box.

RODNEY.What?

DEL.Go on,open the box.

Rodney pulls the box off,there is a full size roulettete wheel underneath.

RODNEY.Where did you get it?

DEL.I bought it from the casino they we’re flogging everything off.

RODNEY.You bought this for Tina?

DEL.Yeah.

RODNEY.She’s not gonna want this.

DEL.I know.

RODNEY.She’s gonna go mad.

DEL.I know.

RODNEY.What are you gonna do with it.

DEL.Im gonna have all the boys round tonight and im gonna make up for last night.

RODNEY.Ace.

DEL.Do you know what else im gonna do bruv,im gonna rip that peice of card off the side of the van and im gonna take a ride to Ronny Nelsons gaff, cuz ive heard he’s just got hold of a consignment of curling tongs.

RODNEY.What about Tina?

DEL.Who?

Albert enters.

ALBERT.Del’s back.

RODNEY.Yeah,he is!!

THE END

Your Scripts

Would you like to write a script?

Please make sure you follow our guidlines to avoid disappointment as we will not use any that don’t meet the criteria.

Suggestion, if you have a PDA then why not drag the documents accross and read them next time you have a spare 10 mins.

Script guidelines

Please use the characters by John Sullivan (Del, Rodney, Trig Boycie etc) as the central characters

Please write the script in the same way as others on this site (eg each line starts with the person speaking and a dot “Del.”)

Always keep your files as we may want to change one or two things and it will be easier if you have kept all versions.