John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Sometimes grief feels like a long-term, low-grade infection, and time doesn't make it go away. (Published 10/28/2014)

Q:

My son died soon after he turned 30, nearly five years ago. Our relationship was complex and we had our issues and 'ups and downs', but we were very close. One could say we grew up together. He was my only child. I have managed well and I think I did all the right things. I'm working and am married. My problem is that I can't seem to get over this constant sadness, anger, and depression. I don't blame it all on my son's death, but I still feel like that is the underlying issue that feeds this malaise. I sometimes feel stuck. Do you have any thoughts or advice for me?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

In describing unresolved grief, we often use that word, “malaise;” and we also refer to it as a long-term, low-grade emotional infection. Something that’s always there, humming away in the background. And not a happy hum.

We also use the idea that unresolved grief is a powerful, underlying – and overarching – element which indeed can keep people trapped forever.

A major problem for many people is the level and degree to which time can fool them.

Time can’t heal an emotional wound, but within time we adapt to the death of someone important to us.

Our adaptation to the reality of the death creates the illusion that we are better, or okay at the very least. But all it really means is that the initial pain has subsided to some degree and the cause of the pain has gone underground, where it festers out-of-sight; but it is the engine that drives the train of our unfinished emotional business.

What it doesn’t mean is that is that we are emotionally complete with the person who died. Thus the ongoing, underlying, and overarching sense, years later, along with the sense of being trapped that you write about.

Another thing we think may be affecting you is that you have indeed done some “discovery” work so you can honestly report about the issues and ups and downs between you and your son. The problem with discovery is that it often masquerades as recovery. But discovery without recovery or completion is a real trap. Basically it indicates that while you have an intellectual and honest awareness of what happened within the relationship, it doesn’t mean you are emotionally complete with it.

Advice? Yes! Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you will sense a tangible shift in relation to the things you reported in your note, that have been dragging you down. Doing this work will not cause you to lose any fond memories you have – nor will you forget those ups and downs you mention. But the pain will subside and that sense of malaise will go away.