Seven years I worked for The Amazing Stephan. And in all those seven years, when it came time to pop out of his dumb hat, did I ever miss a cue? Never!

So how does Mr. Amazing show his thanks? He promotes Felix to Head Dove. Felix! The Amazing Stephan can kiss my lily-white tail feathers.

I quit.

And by the way? There's a hidden compartment in the bottom of his hat.

"Work for me and I'll show you the world," he promised. I'll tell you what he showed me - the inside of every motel chain in Ohio. That, and how he knows what card you picked because he placed a mirror on the back wall. Forty minutes a night I was stuffed under the armpit of someone who drinks bar gin by the quart. It was no picnic.

The only thing amazing about the Amazing Stephen is that his liver still works. Maybe he should use his magic powers to conjure up a book on hygiene, that's all I'm saying. The Olympics are coming up so I can probably get some freelance work in the opening ceremonies.

If you hear of any good job openings for a dove, let me know. And keep your eyes on his left hand when he saws the woman in half - you can see him move the hidden latch.