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Thursday, 25 November 2010

Nelson tied up in knots

History Versus Today...... (unknown contributor)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's themeaning of this?"Hardy: "Sorry sir?"Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or herduty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religiouspersuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunitiesemployer now. We had the devil's own job getting “England " past thecensors, lest it be considered racist."Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designatedsmoke-free working environments."Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice themain brace to steel the men before battle."Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of theGovernment's policy on binge drinking."Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it fullspeed ahead."Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in thisstretch of water."Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle inhistory. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow'snest, please."Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."Nelson: "What?"Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't letanyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeckAdmiral."Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuseeven to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiralby playing the disability card."Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented inthe areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won'tlet the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't wantanyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tellthe men to stand by to engage the enemy."Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of beingcharged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple oflegal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."Nelson: "We're not?"Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partnersnow. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be inthis stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you sayingthat sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of yourKing."Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multiculturalage. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save yourlife"Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,sodomy and the lash?"Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban oncorporal punishment."Nelson: "What about sodomy?"Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."Nelson: "In that case................... kiss me, Hardy."