DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, our guests stopped sending us thank-you notes. They stay at our weekend house for days on end, being wined, dined and pampered, and then we receive an email: ”It

Judith Martin

was so lovely. Thanks.” Now it appears they no longer call or send birthday cards. On my birthday, I receive ”e-cards” and am told where to go on the net to see them. Should I feel content with this? At least they remembered my birthday (although doubtless because a programmed reminder popped up on their e-calendars).

GENTLE READER: Your guests would likely protest that they did not stop sending thank-you notes and birthday cards.

They merely reduced the amount of effort required on their part. If they were feeling defensive, they might even assert a moral improvement in their approach — the virtue of responding more quickly or saving a piece of paper. None of this would convince Miss Manners, who, like yourself, cannot help thinking that the reduction in effort reflects a commensurate reduction in the sentiment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents, who own a large empty nest, offered to provide free room and board to a cousin while he was a student. After a couple of years, my mother was tired of having the cousin living with them, although my father rather enjoyed his company.

Eventually, my mother had harsh words for the cousin, who abruptly moved out, with angry feelings on both sides. Now my mother is angry that after cooking for the cousin and making him part of their lives, she not only has not pleased his family, but they openly dislike her.

The cousin’s family told me that my parents expected him to help maintain the large empty nest; their version is that my parents exploited him by expecting him to do chores. (When my siblings and I lived at home, we did a lot of chores, and I’m sure my parents thought the cousin would do the same when living there.) I don’t know who is right or who is wrong, but I do know everyone is mad.

GENTLE READER: Instead of harsh words at the conclusion of this arrangement, your parents should have issued some cautionary words at the beginning.

Seasoned guests may not need to be told that a long-term visitor is more like a member of the family than a guest (and in this case, he actually is a member of the family). But a youth who is asked to help could have it explained to him that while members of the household have privileges — they usually arrange their schedules for their own convenience, and come and go freely without consulting the hosts — they also assume responsibilities.

That the cousin’s parents don’t understand that, either, is discouraging, although not surprising. Miss Manners is guessing that the most that can be done to resume friendly relations is for you to point out that your parents treated the cousin as one of their own.