At first, I took to it with ease and given that I have a background in music and also had, at that time, a quiet place to practice, I thought it would only be a few short weeks before I’d be able to play “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” with my eyes closed.

But as soon as the practicing and the pieces became more challenging, I did what I typically do when I get frustrated, or when I don’t meet the ridiculous expectations I create for myself, and I gave up on the violin entirely.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about the violin A LOT and wondering if it’s too late for me to pick it up again.

Inside my head there’s this battle going on where part of me wants to believe that it’s never too late to start anything. But there’s also a part of me that’s PISSED at myself for giving up in the first place. I mean, imagine how far along I’d be with the violin at this point in my life if I didn’t give it up six years ago.

So instead of focusing on all the good that could still come from me rediscovering something that I love, and just getting on with it, I’ve been beating myself up.

But an email I recently received from a GUC reader helped put my confusion in perspective.

Basically, this lovely reader wrote in and asked whether or not it was too late for her to figure herself out.

As an adult child of an alcoholic father and a neglectful mother, she’s just now realizing how she’s never been a priority to anyone in her life. She’s tired of surviving but she’s afraid that it’s too late to start over and figure herself out.

Of course, it’s not too late for her or ANYONE, to heal, recover or start over. YES the task of recovery can be daunting and discovering your worth isn’t easy but how many things in life are ever easy?

And honestly, who gives a sh*t if you started six years ago or if today was your very first day?

What truly matters is that you get started, period. So, instead of letting the noise in your head get louder, instead of letting those, I’m too old or it’s too late to figure myself out, thoughts cloud your judgment, just get started. Do one small thing that will put you in motion. And then tomorrow you do another small thing and on and on.

As Karen Lamb once said:

A year from now you will wish you had started today.

Believe me, a year from now, if you do absolutely nothing for your recovery you will look back and regret thinking that today was too late.

So, to help you get started I’ve pulled together 6 options that can either help jump-start your recovery journey or keep it going strong.

Of course after you’re finished reading and exploring make sure you jump in the comment section and share with me one thing that you’re going to do for your recovery today. Whether this is your first day or your 1st year at it, share with me how you’re going to move your recovery and your life forward…today.

Remember, your voice, experiences and insights are vital to this community. And what you have to share is not only unique but it may be exactly what someone else needs to read. And that someone could be you.

As always, thanks for reading!

Until Next Tuesday,

xx-dawn

Option #1 – Sign Up To Receive Updates About ACOA 101

ACOA 101 is the first ever online course exclusively for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I spent over a year creating this course because it was the kind of thing I wish I had, a decade ago, when I first started my recovery.

The next session of ACOA 101 will be jumping off this fall. So, if you want to be kept in the loop and want to learn more then CLICK HERE and leave your name and email.

Option #2 – Think You’re Too Old For Recovery?

If you’re still not convinced that recovery can start at any time and at any age then make sure you read THIS ARTICLE.

Option #3 – Are You A Later In Life Adult Child Of An Alcoholic?

The truth is you don’t have to have grown up with an alcoholic parent to be an ACOA. Even if a parent’s drinking didn’t become a problem until you were an adult, you can still relate and experience the same issues a classic ACOA struggles with. For more on that, read THIS ARTICLE.

Option #4 – How To Know If You Should Stay Or Go

Sometimes starting over means letting go. And if you’re in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic then you know how difficult that choice can be to make. If you’re looking for some support, peace of mind or clarity around making a similar choice, THEN READ THIS.

Option #5 – Poor Self-Esteem or No Self-Esteem?

Whether you’re new to it or been at it for a long time, building and understanding self-esteem is a huge part of the recovery equation. THIS ARTICLE has some great pointers on giving your self-esteem and confidence a boost.

Option #6 – Fix This Relationship And You’ll Fix Your Life

WATCH THIS VIDEO and discover the one relationship that you need to fix if you want to fix your life.

Lately, I’ve been kicking around this question, both while walking around and even while sitting;)

I’ve been asking why three out of my four parents (my parents divorced and both remarried) were alcoholics.

I’ve been asking why I was born into a family that is stacked with some of the least supportive people on the planet.

I’ve been asking why both of my older brothers ended up abusing drugs and alcohol and have literally disappeared from my life.

I’ve been asking why I had to grow up surrounded by so much violence and dysfunction and on and on.

I know, it may sound like I’m just throwing myself one big pity party asking all of these, why me questions, but I know that I’m not the only one doing it.

On one hand, I think it’s totally healthy and natural to ask, why me when recovering from trauma, when life isn’t working out the way you want it to or you get slammed with something unexpected. The question, why me can be a constructive tool for reflection and understanding.

But on the other hand, if we dwell too long in why me it can easily morph into one big never-ending pity party where we’re the only guest, the drinks have long lost their fizzle and all of the party food has gone stale.

This is NO FREAKIN BUENO!

That’s why, in today’s post, I’m offering up three alternative or in addition to questions, to the why me question.

My hope is that what I’m sharing here will give you both the space you need to explore the why me question while giving you the right amount of perspective so that you don’t get lost in the world of why me.

Once you’re finished reading, I invite you to share your thoughts, insights and ideas in the comment section.

We’ll also be discussing the why me question during our next Facebook Live session this Friday, August 11th at 1pm Eastern.

Remember your voice, experiences and insights are vital to this community. And what you have to share is not only unique but it may be exactly what someone else needs to read. And that someone could be you.

Thank you for being part of the GUC community!

Until next Tuesday,

xx-dawn

#1 Can You Ever Really Answer The Question?

If you’ve been asking yourself the why me question for some time now and you still haven’t found an answer, don’t worry you’re not alone.

Personally speaking, when I’ve been in the thick of it with the why me question and I’m wrestling around with potential answers, I’ve always come up empty handed.

But it’s been through that wrestling process that I’ve discovered that none of what happened to me was every really about me.

And it was also through that process that I began to understand that the problems my parents’ had, whether emotional, mental or with addiction, were long in play and well established before I was even born.

So although I’ve yet to discover the answer to why me, through my pursuit of that ever elusive answer, I’ve made a lot of unexpected discoveries along the way.

Which leads me to this point. Even if we never get the answer we’re looking for, if we find ourselves consistently pushing the why me, that may reveal the parts or events of our lives that we’ve not yet accepted.

So even if we never find our answer, we can use the why me question to point us in the direction of the parts, people and events of our lives that we must figure out how to surrender to and accept.

#2 What Can You Do To Keep It Moving?

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how dangerous it can be to spend too much time in my head.

When I spend too much time in my head obsessing over the why me question, I lose site of the present moment. I lose sight of what’s going on in my life right now – both the good and the not so good.

So, when I reach that point, I roll my shoulders back and I get moving. I shift my focus from my head to my body. I go to the gym and I walk on the treadmill or I go for a simple walk outside or I lay my butt on the ground and do some crunches.

Movement, no matter how big or small can help keep the why me conversation or repetitive loop you’re running in your head from becoming all consuming.

Oddly enough, when I allow myself to stop beating the question into the ground, and I get my body moving, new perspectives, insights and ideas that I couldn’t see before pop into my head.

So the next time you find yourself getting lost in your own why me loop, ask yourself what you can do to keep things moving and then do it.

#3 If You Can’t Find The Answer, What Can You Find?

I once had a roommate who’s boyfriend was not only always drunk or high but he was also physically abusive.

Over the years that they dated, he’d given her black eyes, busted up her lips and had even broken a few bones.

Shortly after we moved in together, they broke up, and not soon after he started dating another girl who, oddly enough, he never laid a hand on.

My roommate of course wanted to know, why me? Why did he beat her and abuse her but not the new girl.

Well, she never got an answer from him because I don’t even think he knew why, but even back then, I encouraged her to instead focus on the answers that she could find.

For example…

Why did she get in a relationship with and stay with a guy that beat her and disrespected her in every way possible?

Why, in the thick of the abuse, was she afraid to speak up and ask for help?

Why did she think that his treatment of her was okay?

Why did she feel like she deserved that level of disrespect?

Would she allow herself to get in another relationship like that again?

You don’t have to have been in an abusive relationship to explore these questions. But the idea is still the same, and you can always start by asking yourself –

I gotta start by shouting out a big THANK YOU to everyone who showed up for our first Facebook Live show last Friday.

Seriously, I had no idea how much of a success our first show would be. In fact, it was so much fun, thanks to all of your feedback and enthusiasm, I’ve decided to go live again this Friday, August 4th at 1pm Eastern. We’ll be tackling today’s topic – Why You Need To Be Making More Mistakes – and of course I’ll be answering all of your questions.

Speaking of chatting – recently I had an incredible conversation with the always insightful Amy Eden Jollymore.

If you’re not familiar with Amy’s work, she’s the founder of Guess What Normal Is, one of the first blogs for Adult Children of Alcoholics. And she’s also the author of The Kind Self-Healing Book – a practical, hands-on guide that explains how to transform self-loathing into loving self-compassion.

Amy was kind enough to help me with a special addition I’m making to my online course for Adult Children of Alcoholics called ACOA 101.

But in the meantime, I wanted to talk about this powerful insight that Amy shared with me during our conversation, are you ready for it?

Our brains learn when we make mistakes.

It’s an incredibly powerful bit of knowledge for Adult Children of Alcoholics to understand, simply because so many of us hold ridiculously high standards for ourselves and strive to be perfect in everything that we do.

And perfectionism has the tendency to kill dreams, demolish goals and leave us living lives that are painfully, unnecessarily mediocre.

So, today, not only are we going to take a quick look at the science behind this idea but you’re also going to learn how to put this new bit of brain knowledge to work for you. And believe it or not, the key to making improvements in this area all starts with you and your mindset.

Once you’re finished reading, head to the comment section and finish one or both of these statements.

If I gave myself permission to make mistakes I’d be more willing to ___________.

Or

If I gave myself permission to make mistakes I’d no longer beat myself up about ___________.

Leave your thoughts in the comment section.

Remember, your voice, experiences and insights are vital to this community. And what you have to share is not only unique but it may be exactly what someone else needs to read. And that someone could be you.

As always, thanks for reading, commenting and sharing!

Until next Tuesday,

xx-dawn

Our Brains Are Hardwired To Learn From Our Mistakes

Now this idea is based off of research done by Dr. Jason Moser at Michigan State University.

Dr. Moser found that when participants in his study made a mistake, their brains reacted with two responses that took place within a few hundred milliseconds of each other.

The first response, Dr. Moser described as the “oh crap response.” This is when the brain realized that something had gone wrong or a mistake had been made.

The second response occurred when the participant consciously recognized that something went wrong, they had made a mistake and were going to do something about it.

Dr. Moser found that the faster the brain moved from the first response to the second, the more positive of an attitude the participants had towards making mistakes.

It turns out, when we have a positive outlook on making mistakes our brains respond in kind and devote more resources, focus and brain power towards fixing that mistake.

And if you think of the brain like a muscle, the more you challenge your brain, through the learning experiences of mistakes, the stronger it grows.

Of course, I’m simplifying things here but I want you to make this important connection when it comes to making mistakes.

Making a mistake + Positive mental outlook = More brain power which equals growth and learning.

Making a mistake + Negative mental outlook = Less brain power which equals less growth and learning.

Bottom line is this – our brains grow and learn when we make mistakes.

Why This Is Important For You To Know

As an adult child of several alcoholics and as someone who grew up in a home where mistakes weren’t viewed as learning opportunities, I think it’s important to understand the true nature of mistake making.

For most of my life, I’ve not only beaten myself up verbally and mentally for making mistakes but on too many occasions, I’ve also avoided new opportunities and experiences simply because I was too afraid to make mistakes.

Instead of seeing mistakes as something temporary, I’ve always viewed them as proof. Proof that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, capable or talented. And as a result I’ve missed out on so many opportunities to grow as a person. I’ve missed out on discovering new talents and exploring new interests. And unfortunately, although I hate to admit it, not understanding the true nature of mistakes has fed this false belief that if I’m not immediately perfect at something, aka mistake free, that means I can’t do it at all.

Given that many ACOAs are prone to perfectionism, this knowledge and understanding can go a long way in helping us break free from the mental chains of our past and present.

So how can we start to embrace mistake making?

#1 Reframe Your Focus

Thomas Edison, who’s often described as America’s greatest inventor, understood the value of reframing when he said this,

“If I find 10,000 ways something won’t work, I haven’t failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.”

10,000 ways? Think of all the mistakes he must have made. Think of the number of opportunities he had to give up!

Seriously though, if you want to change the way you view mistakes you can start by reframing your focus.

Instead of seeing mistakes as further proof of all your inadequacies, try to focus instead on how the brain uses mistakes to learn and grow.

Remember that every time you make a mistake your brain is pumped and ready to figure out how to help you fix it.

Your brain doesn’t care if your mom was an alcoholic, if your brother is in jail for drugs and it certainly isn’t worried about how perfect your are at whatever you’re trying to do.

Remember the more mistakes you make the more opportunity you create for your brain and you to grow!

#2 Become A Detective

This means, whenever you find yourself running into your usual patterns of behaving and responding – stop, take a deep breath and, like a detective, get curious about your reactions.

This advice can easily be applied to making mistakes.

So, the next time you make a mistake, instead of giving in to your usual response, stop and take a few minutes to figure out what’s going on. What thoughts are in your head? How do you feel? Confident? If not, what are you telling yourself? Which old beliefs are popping up and floating around in your head? What do you feel the urge to do? Give up? Try again? Beat yourself up for “failing” in the first place?

Once you get a clear picture and you build an awareness of how you react when you make a mistake you can then choose to respond in a new way.

Now responding in a new way won’t necessarily be easy to do. There will be plenty of opportunities, in this process, to make many more new mistakes.

But if you approach this internal work like a detective, I’ve found, that I’m not only more open to the answers that I find but I’m more likely to find solutions that are tailor made to me.

So get out there and make some mistakes! And while you’re going at it, remember these wise words from Elbert Hubbard, a famous traveling salesman who no doubt made a tun of mistakes!

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.”