NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

NEW YORK—Stopping dead in their tracks and pausing to take in the scene unfolding above them, the entire country reportedly came to a halt Thursday morning to watch an industrial crane move a massive concrete tube across a construction site.

The dumbfounded populace, staring up with their mouths agape at the extended arm of the yellow, 200-foot-tall Liebherr tower crane as it moved the building component slowly through the air, reportedly followed the huge cement tube’s progress unblinkingly for the nearly 10 minutes it took to transfer it to the spot where it would be secured into place.

“Whoa,” said 46-year-old bank manager Alex Horn while standing in the middle of the sidewalk, pointing into the sky and gazing wide-eyed at the 30-foot-long, steel-reinforced concrete tube as it was hoisted approximately 75 feet above the ground. “That thing’s big.”

“Really big,” he added.

According to reports, upon spotting the 9-foot-diameter cylinder suspended in midair, the nation’s 320 million citizens paused what they had been doing and placed a hand on their brow to shield their eyes from the sun, with many reportedly tugging at a nearby acquaintance’s sleeve to alert them to the sight above. Sources confirmed that, after several moments of gaping, a few million Americans opted to cross the street to get a closer look through the chain-link gates at the construction site’s entrance.

Throughout the tube’s transit, many of the onlookers were said to have briefly turned to the friends, family members, or strangers standing next to them and mouthed the word “wow” before returning their gaze skyward.

“Look how far up it is,” said pastry shop worker Kevin Jordan, 29, speaking to reporters without breaking his line of sight with the large tube. “That thing’s gotta weigh, like, 100 tons.”

“Oh, look, you can see through it now,” he continued, as the tube slowly rotated at the end of its tether.

Though completely captivated by the activity, many Americans reportedly took a moment to speculate what the big crane would pick up next, imagining that it might subsequently lift a humongous steel beam, or perhaps a giant bucket of cinder blocks. Others, however, were quick to point out a large pile of identical concrete tubes at one end of the construction site and suggested these would likely be moved next, in a similar manner.

“It’s going real slow—they probably have to go so slow because it’s so big,” said 38-year-old Gabrielle Cook, a mother of three, who, along with the rest of the nation, wondered aloud at one point why the process had momentarily halted. “Oh, it stopped. Why’d it stop?”

“There it goes again,” Cook added.

According to an informal poll of onlookers, 73 percent of the nation said they had never seen a tube that big before, while 24 percent said they’ve seen bigger. The remaining 3 percent either grumbled indecipherably or shushed reporters.

Amid audible “oohs” and “ahhs” as the crane began to lower the massive object into place, the nation admitted it was still unclear as to the exact function of the tube, though many commented that it looked like “a big sewer pipe or something.”

“It’d be crazy to be the guy steering that thing,” said accounting clerk Jeff Merriwether, 26, staring at the cabin sitting atop the body of the crane. “Think how far he has to climb to get up there.”

“I bet he’s used to it by now,” Merriwether continued.

At press time, the nation was distracted by a big machine scooping dirt nearby.