Dick Cheney Thinks It’s About Time We Drop This Aversion To War Crimes Crap And Get Back To Torturing People

Richard B. Cheney, the former Vice President of the United States and current deputy liaison for Earth-Underworld Relations, has weighed in with his much-awaited thoughts on the Senate’s confirmation hearings for Gina Haspel to become CIA director. For an appearance on Fox Business this morning, Cheney traveled from the deepest pits of the abyss to assume corporeal form and say he thinks it’s jolly well about time that the USA bring back “enhanced interrogation,” which he happens to know is no more “torture” than an eternity of being rent asunder while hearing the screams of the damned:

If it were my call, I would not discontinue those programs […] I’d have them active and ready to go, and I’d go back and study them and learn.

Yesss, study them, and see, SEE what eldritch horrors may be brought forth! Cheney, masterfully concealing the hellfire in his eyes as he spoke to anchor Maria Bartiromo, explained the Bush-era torture program was never “torture,” never, because the CIA had a note from Bush’s lawyers:

I think the techniques we used were not torture. A lot of people try to call it that, but it wasn’t deemed torture at the time [….] People want to go back and try to rewrite history, but if it were my call, I’d do it again.

Idly snapping at flies that had been attracted to the studio by the stench of rot and evil, Cheney added that if even if a Justice Department attorney’s memo — signed in blood and sealed with the Unspeakable Names of the Dark Ones — might not carry any weight with an international war crimes tribunal, it was certainly good enough for the G.W. Bush administration.

Cheney also said he thought Haspel, with her credentials running a CIA black site in Thailand and drafting the order to destroy nearly 100 videotapes of CIA operatives waterboarding and otherwise torturing detainees, was perfect for the top job at The Company:

I think she’d be a great CIA director […] I think she’s done a great job in terms of the career she’s built, and the people I know at the agency are very enthusiastic about having one of their own, so to speak, in the driver’s seat at the CIA.

His smile a deathly rictus, Cheney also mused that after she has cast off her earthly vessel, Haspel would almost certainly qualify for a position with his current employer, who he said could not be named lest all those viewing the broadcast be driven mad. Bartiromo had to remind him several times to use the title “president” when referring to Donald Trump, instead of “my minion.”

Besides, he added with a visible shudder that caused the camera image to flicker, if Haspel’s nomination is rejected, we’ll be stuck with that asshole Tom Cotton, and NOBODY wants that.

Fox Business programming was switched to pre-taped segments as the studios were given the usual ritual cleansing, exorcism, and evacuation of sulfur fumes required after a Cheney guest spot.

Writing about a subject is the best
way to educate yourself about it, and when I flick through past work I remember how much
they taught me, if no one else. Mainly they taught me that I didn’t know very much. But they
also taught me that most other people didn’t know much either. Thus, some key themes
which stand out include the illusory control of policy makers, the presumed knowledge of
those looking to them to actively do good, the ease with which we fool ourselves, and how
best to protect capital in the face of such unavoidable uncertainty. -- Dylan Grice