JASON JORDAN vs. JOHN CENA-7/10
Jason Jordan’s entrance theme now has lyrics. This match was booked so they could portray it as Cena giving Jordan the same opportunity for a “career-making moment” that Jason Jordan’s father Kurt Angle gave Cena. Naturally, they showed footage from that famous match, and not one week after they had Cena go out on TV and talk about how Roman was constantly being “protected” by the company (in fact, not even five minutes after showing a highlight package including that line!) they presented this video package in a way specifically designed not only to not acknowledge that Cena lost that match, but they specifically cut the footage in such a way that someone who didn’t know any better would come out of it thinking that Cena had won. I doubt we’ll ever get the answer to it, because the only people who would ever get close enough to Vince to know would also be smart enough to never reveal an answer (maybe Hunter will when Vince is long dead), but I think one of the greatest mysteries in WWE history is whether they are just that un-self-aware, or whether they just think we’re too dumb to notice this sort of hypocrisy.
The match was great (aside from Booker’s commentary) and they told a great story of Jordan out-wrestling Cena but Cena getting the win by out-powering Jordan (it sure would have been nice if they not only told us that Jordan had nothing to be ashamed of in his loss but actually showed us that a loss can be the beginning of great things. It’s a shame there was no footage of something like that close at hand, huh?). But…

This is going to be one of those areas where someone who isn’t a wrestling fan- and maybe even someone who isn’t a smarky WWE fan/viewer will just completely not understand how it is that wrestling fans could possibly think this way, but it was hard for me to enjoy the idea of this match in any moment that wasn’t between the bells because I honestly don’t trust WWE’s motives here.
Yes, the business is a work, and almost by necessity that means that a lot of what a promotion does is intended to manipulate my emotions in some way or another. The problem for me comes with some of the things they’ve done in the not-too-distant past with John Cena where they are well aware that I haven’t, for whatever reason, responded to their manipulation in the way they’d like, but rather than attempt to manipulate me by simply changing the actions of the character in a direction I will respond to better (like having him take things more seriously and making him seem more vulnerable in the ring to make me think he might actually lose every once in a while [and, to be fair, they have at least done that second part over the past year and a half or so]), they instead tried to manipulate me on a higher, more smarky level.
Some of you might recall that last January I wrote a listicle (even typing that word leaves a horrific taste in my mouth) in which I recounted “The Top Ten Most Soul-Crushing Moments of 2015.” One of the moments on my list was the moment it became clear that, despite the big game they had been talking about it all year, WWE did not care about the US Title as soon as John Cena was no longer in the title picture. The reason this was such a soul-crushing moment was that it made clear that wildly popular series of open challenges Cena had been holding as champion were not about getting younger talent over by giving them a chance to shine by having featured matches with John Cena or about raising the prestige of the title by having these great matches for it every week. It was about letting John Cena have the Match of the Night on every show and trying to get smarks to cheer for him by portraying him as a guy who was having great matches every night and giving the Sami Zayns and Kevin Owens and Cody Rhodes of the world the chance to shine. And as WWE has found out the hard way (way too many times over) with Roman Reigns, anything that feels manufactured, even if it is something fans tend to like (such as The Rock showing up to tell us how great someone is, or beating Shovel H, or fighting the anti-American Rusev) will be seen by the fans for what it is: an attempt to manipulate, rather than capitalize on or create real emotion. And because of WWE’s history of doing this, from the moment I saw this match booked, I was skeptical of it, because it seemed to be just the type of thing that WWE would want to book to remind us that John Cena helps people, not buries them like Roman claimed last week. Only in WWE do they book a worked shoot promo and then go out the next week and try to dissuade you from believing that the things that were said in that segment are true, even though last week they wanted me to think that this was all a shoot.

And if you don’t believe me, please note that we didn’t even get any time to focus on Jason Jordan because they felt it was necessary for Roman Reigns to come out right before we went to commercial break, like a cliffhanger on a normal TV show. The problem with that is that PRO WRESTLING IS NOT A NORMAL TV SHOW. The universe of a normal TV show ceases to exist during commercial breaks. Pro wrestling doesn’t work that way! Are you trying to tell me that for that entire three minute (or however long they are) commercial break, Roman Reigns and John Cena were just standing in the ring, just staring at each other, and yet they just happened to decide to start talking the moment the show comes back from commercial, even though there is no way for them to know when the show is back?

ROMAN REIGNS & JOHN CENA SEGMENT- horrid.
When they do come back, Roman asks John “if you are what you say you are, why does it take a sixteen-time world champion over twenty minutes to beat a rookie?”
First of all, Roman can’t count because the match only went about twelve. Second of all, I guess Roman just doesn’t know how sports work? Didn’t he used to play football? How have you played football and not heard the phrase “any given Sunday?” It took Cena a while to beat Jason Jordan? So what? Angelique Kerber was the world’s top-ranked female tennis player, coming off of a year where she won two grand slams and placed second in a third, as well as winning a silver medal at the Olympics. In this year’s French Open she lost to a woman who has only even made it to the semifinals of a Grand Slam singles tournament twice in her life.
Third… what, exactly, was their goal in having Roman come out here and ask this question? It made him look like an unmitigated douchebag for all of the kayfabe reasons I have laid out in the above paragraph, as well as for reasons that, well… let’s listen to what Roman had to say:
“If you’re as good as you say you are, you would have beaten him right out of the get-go. But you strung it on out: let him believe in himself, let them get into it, and then you crushed him. You lied last week. You ran your mouth like you always do, and you’re not as strong, you’re not as fast, you’re not as good as you say and think you are. So that means you proved me right, because you’re a lying, fake-ass little bitch.”

IT’S A WORK YOU STUPID PIECE OF SH*T!
It lasted as long as it did and went the way it did because he’s trying to get the kid over as best he can while still beating him cleanly and having as exciting a wrestling match for the fans as possible in the time the booker gave him!
And really! What else could Cena possibly say here? What answer is there to this question that makes any sense in kayfabe that won’t come off as a lecture about how “it’s about the people!" and "Jason Jordan is the future of the business" etc.
Cena does eventually get around to giving the grand speech (after plugging their PPV match a bunch of times instead of using the speech to build to the plug of the match), and instead of being about the fans, it’s all about how guys like Jason Jordan and Chad Gable and even The Miz have to “scratch and claw for every inch they can” while Roman is handed everything on a silver platter, which seems to me to be just about the worst thing Cena could have possibly said because all it does is remind fans of why we hate Roman so much. And the only reason it would make sense for WWE to want to do that is if they are turning him hell. And if they are willing to turn him heel, why spend years hurting your product when if you had turned him in 2015 you would have had the hottest heel in wrestling. Why not use that hot heel to get Dean Ambrose and Dolph Ziggler and Seth Rollins and Rusev, and so forth over to that elusive next level? Why throw that all away to wait for John Cena, one of the two guys in the company (Brock being the other) who doesn’t need it?
Unless, of course, this whole thing is yet another ploy to get us to cheer for John Cena.
And yup. Here is John Cena loudly telling Roman that he doesn’t like him and that the fans don’t like it when Roman calls himself “The Guy” because he’s not.
They threated each other, but I never once believed they were going to fight. Roman gave Cena the chance to start something and he didn’t, which made him look like a wuss. Then Roman walked away.

We’re getting Braun Strowman vs. Big Show tonight because apparently their last match ended in the ring breaking. WWE said it was “Last April” but the internet tells me it was actually this April. Anyway, seeing as how we got what was supposed to be this big, crazy memorable finish, of course WWE has waited five whole months to book a rematch and it hasn’t even mentioned since I’m guessing about a week after it happened. And it’s going to be in a cage for no reason whatsoever. So we’ve got one of the worst things about ROH booking teaming up with one of the worst things about TNA booking, seemingly just to bother me even though I gave up on both of those TV shows earlier this year. If this somehow ends in a DQ and Bray Wyatt does magic and then cuts a promo that breaks kayfabe, we’ll have the full Voltron of sh*tty booking, and the only way to save me will be for Gabe Sapolsky to show up driving a gigantic robotic Giant Baba to do battle with it.

SHEAMUS & CESARO vs. HEATH SLATER & RHYNO- 0.5/10
Raise your hand if you remembered that Rhyno is on Raw. I call bullsh*t on anyone who has their hand in the air who isn’t actually Heath Slater or Rhyno. And this is coming from a guy who just last week made a joke about Bo Dallas looking like Rhyno in his weekly Raw review.
Because whoever is writing this show seems to hate me personally, Sheamus pinned Rhyno instead of Slater even though Rhyno is a multiple-time world champion while Slater is a goofball comedy loser. Ambrose and Rollins are both on commentary because we really need a five-man booth for this match. They said absolutely nothing of any value.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS THE HARDY BOYZ- very good. Jeff’s promo was the type of promo that only Jeff Hardy could possibly cut without it sounding idiotic.

Because this is clearly going to be one of “those” shows, why the hell can’t they just say the word “match?” Randy and Nakamura are going to face off on Smackdown and the winner is going to get a “title match,” not a “title opportunity,” because “title opportunity” sounds f*cking stupid because it’s pointlessly generic when there is a clear and obvious word that would make so much more sense in its place. A “title opportunity” sounds specifically like it won’t be a wrestling match; like the winner is going get the chance to shoot a basket from half-court and if he makes it he gets to be the champion. How is it that Vince and his pals are the only people in the entire world who think their special verbiage sounds better than the standard parlance?

WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: The Miz(c) (w/Maryse & the Miz-tourage) vs. Jeff Hardy (w/Matt Hardy)- 7.25/10
Another great match, and it’s nice to see Miz be able to win with some semblance of cleanliness so that he doesn’t look like a total joke.

After recapping Alexa Bliss! winning the Raw Women’s Title last week and Nia turning on her (odd as that is to say about a situation where one heel betrays another and they both still feel firmly heel), they announced that the Raw Women’s Title match at No Mercy will be Alexa defending against… Sasha Banks in Sasha’s rematch. Why even do the turn, then?! It’s not like Alexa had Nia’s help in her victory. Why not have Sasha actually be injured by Nia’s attack (plus the match she just had with Alexa) and let Alexa vs. Nia be the focus for a few weeks, then, after the PPV, you can bring Sasha back as the #1 contender to the winner of Alexa vs. Nia.

KURT ANGLE & NIA JAX BACKSTAGE-
Turns out I’m not the only one complaining about the booking. Maybe next time Nia will also complain about being given horrific lines, too. She called Sasha a “Beyoncé wanna-be” and referred to the current Raw Women’s Champion as “the blonde-headed Tinkerbell, Alexa.” Oh my G-d. I know Vince has the final say on everything, but don’t, like Road Dogg and Ryan Ward and Triple H look over it before they send it up to Vince? How the hell did this line make it into anything that was handed to Vince? The only proper response to this would be to find out whose line it was and then immediately fire the person who wrote it.
Kurt lectures her that “that’s not how you get opportunities,” and Nia counters with “you know better than anyone that you have to create opportunities.” How about Nia counters with “I had a title match a few months ago that ended when someone else ran in and got me DQed, and you haven’t made that opportunity up to me.” You know. Something that remembers things that happened a whole three months ago and actually makes this feel like a real sport where the executives of the league work to correct injustices whenever possible rather only doing so when it’s convenient for the plot?
Emma shows up to plug her Twitter and take credit for starting WWE’s “Women’s Revolution,” which is much like taking credit for coming up with Custer’s battle plans at Little Bighorn. They argue because they both want a title shot. Kurt gives them a lecture about how coming in here and yelling is the proper way to earn “title opportunities.” Instead Kurt books them in a tag match against Alexa and Sasha wherein if they win, the title match will become a Fatal Four-Way. Call me crazy, but it seems to me that they way to earn shots at a singles title should be winning some singles matches. And that’s matches. Plural.

To hype up the main event they showed us a bunch of footage of the ring breaking in the last Braun vs. Big Show match… which is really just showing us the same thing over and over again. And speaking of showing us the same thing over and over again, it’s time for the Cruiserweight Division.

TONY NESE, NAOM DAR, & DREW GULAK vs. ENZO AMORE, CEDRIC ALEXANDER, & GRAN METALIK- 4.25/10
So apparently the first step in their efforts to get Enzo Amore over in the Cruiserweight Division was to have him cheat to win. Tonight he cut a promo justifying his bullsh*t cheating by… just saying “yeah. I cheated. So what?” F*ck you, Enzo. Cheating is wrong. At least that’s what they tell me every time Miz or The Usos or Alexa Bliss! or Neville does it. I guess the rules are different for Enzo. Like when Roman Reigns tries to murder someone it’s perfectly okay but when someone else does it it’s despicable.
At least the announcers aren’t trying to hide that Enzo is a douchebag. Then again, they also want me to believe that Drew Gulak, a grown adult, was “very upset” that Enzo called him “Captain Underpants” on live TV. Enzo would go on to do various douchy things like tag himself in when his partners didn’t want to tag out, and poking Gulak in the eye to help himself get the win.
Despite carrying the majority of the working load in this match, all five of these men were made to look like non-factors, mere extras in The Enzo Amore Story. Pay attention, Mae Young Classic competitors: In less than one year, this could be you.

ALEXA BLISS! & SASHA BANKS BACKSTAGE- bad.
They both clearly went into this segment understanding that it was in both of their best interests to work together tonight… and yet they both went out of their way to be as confrontational as possible. What a pair of idiots.

FINN BALOR PROMO- his feud with Bray Wyatt will continue because someone on the writing team hates me. Bray Wyatt magically took over the TitanTron and cut a bad promo in which he urged Finn to make a choice and face him without being “The Demon” or something like that, which makes no sense because “The Demon” has not been shown to be any different than Finn Balor. His style doesn’t change, he doesn’t become more aggressive or anything like that. It’s just Finn Balor with fancy paint on his upper body.

IF NIA & EMMA WIN, THE RAW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH AT NO MERCY BECOMES A FATAL FOUR-WAY: Nia Jax & Emma vs. Alexa Bliss! & Sasha Banks- 4.75/10
Alexa started to do this new spot that whenever she was doing something illegal and the referee began the five-count she would stop at about two or three and shout “I KNOW!” at him. She should try calmly explaining to him that she has until five. That might get over.
To follow-up on Stupid Announcer Quote #3 below (is it possible to follow up on something that is actually coming geographically later on in the review even though I typed it first?), Cole says that “Nia has finally realized that Alexa has been manipulating her all of these months.” The problem with that is that none of the announcers have portrayed it as any sort of manipulation on Alexa’s part until now, either, so they’re either contradicting themselves or burying themselves by saying things like this.
The stuff between Alexa and Nia was quite good. Emma pinned Sasha by stealing Nia’s pin after her leg drop, which makes me feel kind of sorry for Nia… so who, exactly (besides Sasha) is supposed to be a babyface, here? After the match Nia laid Emma out, so at least someone on this show gets some comeuppance for being a jerk.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS BRAUN STROWMAN- F*CKING AWESOME!

SETH & DEAN WALK BY THE DRIFTER- sure. Whatever.

SETH ROLLINS & DEAN AMBROSE vs. KARL ANDERSON & LUKE GALLOWS- 6/10
When we got back from a commercial before Rollins & Ambrose entrance (Gallows & Anderson didn’t get one because G-d forbid we try to make them look like stars), Sheamus & Cesaro were standing in the ring and arguing with Gallows & Anderson. They are apparently going to watch this match from ringside (read as: “give us a bad finish”). And yes, that’s what happened. They tried to distract the babyfaces but accidentally caused the heels to lose. Gallows & Anderson brawled with Sheamus & Cesaro after the match but got laid out. So basically nothing happened in the tag team division this week. Hooray for “Creative.”

BABYFACE CRUISERWEIGHTS BACKSTAGE- bad
Enzo did almost all of the talking, and once again called Gran Metalik “Pepper Jack,” like an asshole. Neville showed up to tell these guys that they have all qualified for a five-way #1 contendership match tomorrow night on 205 Live. They don’t even bother to tell us who the other two guys are.

They made a point of showing us the ring crew “reinforcing the ring.” Why are they doing it now instead of doing it before the show started?

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS WWE REFEREE JOHN CONE- yes really. They had a f*cking REFEREE cut a promo to hype up this match. He said what amounts to the fact that he is going to be too scared to do his job.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS THE BIG SHOW- this was a good promo (until that bit about how he was going to “take him all the way up to the penthouse, then chokeslam him straight to hell”), but I just plain don’t give a sh*t about this match, and nothing anyone says will possibly make me care because the hype around it feels completely artificial. That’s what happens when you do a finish, then don’t mention it for five months and then expect me to care when you suddenly try to push it as the biggest thing ever.

STEEL CAGE MATCH: Braun Strowman vs. Big Show- 6.75/10
They did a lot of stuff and it was very good, but nothing they did made me care in any way about who was going to win. Oh. Look. Braun threw Big Show threw one of the walls of the cage after that. I guess that’s why they made this a cage match. So they could do that dumb stunt that we’ve seen done with much lighter guys in the past.

Another frustrating episode of Raw. Everything after the women’s match- yes, including the main event- felt like pointless filler. They could have just had Braun cut something akin to his post-match promo on Brock when he cut his promo earlier on in the show to hype up the main event.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Booker T- “He knows about the Shakespeare. Going out there and making whatever works work.”
500,000 BRM-Land Fun-bucks to the first person who can explain to me how those two statements are connected.

2. Booker T- “That’s a veteran move right there.”
Is Booker talking about something like rolling towards the ropes after taking a big move, or rolling to outside to regroup when things aren’t going well, or some other trick of the trade that it is difficult to do instinctively without many years of training your body to do so? Of course not! He’s talking about a f*cking sunset flip.

3. Michael Cole says that Nia Jax “has been friends with Alexa Bliss! since coming to Monday Night Raw.”
It’d be really nice if someone in WWE other than Alexa or Nia had the ability to remember when and how this “friendship” angle started (hint: I put “friendship” in quotes because it has never been a real friendship. They’ve both just been using each other).

4. Booker T claimed that the fact that this was a cage match was “a disadvantage for both men.”
So then that’s not a disadvantage for anyone.

That Nia Jax and Alexa Bliss friendship , was NOT , "Alexa Bliss arrived on Raw". He makes it sound like it was the second she got there, when it was definitely a bit after she'd already won the title.

So now they're just outright lying lol.

Oh, did you not hear him say "Program" , when Referencing how The Undertaker also showed him respect during that time period?