The Divorced Dating Experiment

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Wednesday, July 13, 2016

I was telling a friend of mine about something that happened to me recently. I was pretty sure a guy was hitting on me but not 100% positive. He told me about how he broke up with a woman recently because she wanted to get serious and he wasn't ready to get serious. Then he looked me dead in the eye and added 'unless of course the right woman came along'.

As I told my friend this story she said, 'Why don't men say I just wanna get laid'? This started me thinking.

Why don't men just say 'I wanna get laid'?

Clearly this man was saying to me, 'If you are up for it we can have sex and then maybe if you are the right woman, we can continue having sex for a long time'.

Women want to get laid. Women say it all the time to each other. We talk about it constantly. We text each other after the deed is done and say " I just got laid'. Then we all celebrate together.

Ok, maybe men don't just ONLY want to get laid. But it is a pretty big part of the post-divorce dating experience. So why can't we cut to the chase?

Women talk about sex constantly. CONSTANTLY. But yet when it comes to the dating dance we struggle around the 'let's have sex' moment. We all know it is coming so it is pretty confusing that we don't just say 'Hey I am really attracted to you and I want to get naked and roll around with you'. Believe it or not women might actually like the honesty. While they may not jump in bed, the teenage dance around sex will be quashed.

I have a lot of single friends who do want a relationship but also really want to have sex on a consistent basis. While traditional norms assign the woman to the position of pushing off sex, this all seems to change once a woman has gone through a divorce.

And why not. As my boyfriend said to me, 'We are all adults here'. And so we are. We are adults, We have been through marriage and kids. We know what it is all about. So why not say on the date, 'I really like you and I want to see you again but I also really want to get you naked and have some sexy time with you'.

Let's be honest, with each other and ourselves. Yes, we may be looking for a long term commitment but initially we are looking for sex. So, ladies and gentlemen, just say it. I wanna get laid. Trust me. I'm single and fall for it every time.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

I have been dating the same wonderful man for two and half years. He constantly tells people that I am the most sane, smiling, happy person he has ever met. He brags that I never break down and am always upbeat. He's been feeling that sense of secure sanity for two and half years.

I hear from men all the time that they have dated some crazy women. That crazy ranges from desperately needy to popping pills. This got me thinking about women going crazy while dating men. Why does it happen? And how can I prove it is entirely not our fault but obviously men's fault?

So back to me. Completely sane. Always happy. Always smiling. Until a few days ago when I called my boyfriend at 8:30am as he drove to work and sobbed on the phone barely getting out the words, "Do you still want to be with me?'

So, how does this happen. It's simple really. Women read into everything. EVERYTHING!

For a couple of weeks I had been feeling slightly insecure in my relationship. I can't pinpoint one particular event that drove that insecurity. It was just a feeling. Come on ladies, you know what I am talking about.

After a weekend away with the boyfriend where he asked me what I would do if we broke up, I felt worse. Why would he ask me that? Was he trying to tell me he wanted to break up? Was he preparing himself for the break up?

See guys, this is what we do. You say something that you immediately forget and we internalize it, toss and turn it, and read into it for days. We discuss it with our friends. We dream about it. And while you have moved on and can't remember the conversation at all, we have stopped eating, sob ourselves to sleep and worry.

So on that fateful Tuesday morning,my crazy emerged in a tearful inquisition. And the boyfriend, caught completely off guard, said all the right things. Because NONE of what I was thinking, saying or feeling was even remotely true. From his point of view, it was a normal Tuesday as he drove to work, and his seemingly sane girlfriend, went berserk and suggested that he was thinking about dumping her. Of course he has mocked me for it every day since.

The average woman can keep the crazy hidden for approximately two months. I managed two and half years. I feel like a success story. When I shared this moment with my friends, they all nodded in agreement. 'Of course you went crazy, what he said could set anyone off'. Women know. We all know how crazy happens.

Of course now the boyfriend is on edge, not sure when the crazy will reappear. I suppose that is the power of crazy. It keeps the men on edge, never sure when their happy, sane, smiling girlfriend will turn to the dark side.

The hidden truth of this story is this: If you really like/love the guy and want to stay with him, keep the crazy hidden for as long as possible. Then when it is revealed, the guy will do almost anything to keep it at bay. So in the end, you win. Trust me on this one because I am single and sane!

Monday, October 26, 2015

With more women reading my blog, come more questions about post-divorce dating. Now I am no expert unless you count going on countless first dates as qualification for a PhD in dating. Ok, so maybe I am an expert. But I am also an unapologetic expert. I am blunt and to the point as we should all be about post-divorce dating. We aren't in our twenties any more and with custody schedules in place, we only have so many days for dating. So ladies, and men, we need to take advantage of these fleeting moments.

Post-divorced dating comes with far fewer rules than pre-marriage dating. Remember that old saying 'Why would he buy the farm if he can get the milk for free?' Doesn't apply any more. Actually shouldn't have applied then either, but that's a whole different post. But I want to answer the question many of you have asked me. 'How soon is too for for sex in the post-divorce dating world'?

The short answer is, 'It's never too soon for sex post-divorce'. First date, he's cute, he's nice, he seems half way normal - go for it. Why should you deprive yourself of the pleasure of having sex because you have some twisted idea in your head that if you hold out he will respect you and therefore want to date you? What if, just what if, he respected you for doing what you want, when you want, and how you want. Now that would be a novel idea.

Ladies, you know as well as I do, that you have decided less than five minutes in on your date whether you would sleep with him, let alone go on a second date. Chances are he is thinking the same thing. He's also out with you and not a twenty something for a reason. And that reason is you are smart, attractive and have lived a little. So if after a dinner and some drinks you want to have some fun, he will respect that too. Because at this stage in the dating game there is no such thing as easy or slutty. No, now it is confident and self assured.

We don't have the time to waste on six or seven dates spread over several weeks because of the every other weekend custody schedule, to find out if his penis is really worth hanging around for. We really need that information up front. Be greedy and get those stats quickly. And if after the second or third date and some decent sex, you realize this guy isn't for you, hey at least you had some fun along the way.

Post-divorce dating is not about depriving yourself so you can get married again. It's about setting your standards so when you do marry again, it's for all the right reasons, including penis size. Post-divorce dating is about you. It's about you having fun, experimenting, throwing caution to the wind (ok not all the way, please be safe) and saying ' I don't care what anyone thinks, I am going to date who I want, sleep with who I want, and break up with who I want'. Because you know what you want now and you are not willing to settle.

Be proud of all the sex you are having. Your married friends are so very jealous, I guarantee it. Go have some fun. You deserve it. And then when you find that soul mate you will have no regrets on your second dating go-round. Be the slut you were always dying to be but too afraid. Post-divorce dating holds no shame. Trust me on this one. After all I am divorced and have dated.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

You can judge a perfect post-divorce date by the lack of baggage your date has, the wit, the intellect and of course the matching custody schedules. Even before the first date, divorced people have to make sure their custody schedules match. It's not even worth trying to go on the first date if you have your kids opposite weekends. You will forever be arguing with your ex to switch days or trying to sneak in time together over lunches and coffees. And your sex life will suck. Actually it will be non-existent. And then you will be very, very sad.

But let's say your custody schedules do match up and you like each other and you want to have a relationship that involves way better sex than you ever had with your ex. So how do you find that balance? Well chances are if you are divorced, and you have found someone new, the sex is WAY better than you ever remember your married sex life to be. Why is that? Well first of all you are older, wiser and know what you want. You know how to verbalize your desires and chances are you are much more experimental. You realize that you have been given a second chance and dammit, you aren't going to blow it having mediocre sex.

But what you are going to do is have to wait four or five or sometimes seven days to have sex. And then after that, wait again. Because well....custody. You have your kids. He has his kids, The kids have social activities, they have sporting activities, you have your ex who needs you to cover for their night even though you planned on having sex. So you wait. You text each other about sex. You FaceTime each other about sex. You plan for the next time you see each other and have sex.

And then there are the evenings when you have decided to blend the families and after all the kids are in bed, you start to go at it and your eldest child texts you asking you to keep it down. Not that I am speaking from any sort of real life experience or anything.

So how do you sustain? Well honestly the custody schedule may work in your dating favor. Imagine if you were together every night, coming home from work, dealing with kids homework, dinner, dishes and bedtime and then trying to stay awake and be sexy for your partner. Wait a minute, that's marriage. And you aren't married anymore. So the evenings you have with your lover are just for the two of you. You still wear matching lingerie and put make up on your face. You go out to dinner and let someone else clean up the mess. And then when you get home there are no kids to worry about waking you up in the morning, so you can stay up all night having sex.

So dating with kids and custody schedules actually works to keep the romance alive. Don't push the envelope. Enjoy the anticipation. While the down time may be painful, the up time is worth the wait. One day all those kids will be grown up. One day you may move in together. One day you may even get married. And these special moments may slip away. Just make sure your kids can't hear you. And perhaps keep them from reading your text messages (again, might not be speaking from real life experience). And enjoy your sex life for what is. Trust me I know what I am talking about. After all I am divorced and dating.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Do I dare say it? I have a boyfriend. A real live, don't have to say things like 'someone I am seeing/having sex with', boyfriend. He is someone who holds my hand in public, fixes things in my house, makes plans ahead of time and even willingly meets my parents. He has friended my friends on FaceBook and I have friended his. If that's not commitment, I don't know what is.

And with this new found boyfriend, I have suddenly gone from pariah in the eyes of my married friends back to acceptable. Dinner plans for parties of six are arranged and nights out with other couples are scheduled. I am no longer the third wheel. I have let the realm of the uncomfortable single friend who may make conversation and seating awkward. I am back in. I am part of a team. The team of couples.

But as fun as it is to be welcomed back into the fold, the joy is only briefly lived. On a recent fantastic trip that my boyfriend took me on to a fabulous Caribbean Island, I began to realize it wasn't enough for us to just be together, basking in our happiness. No, those married couples would not accept that kind of instability. No longer single but still not married, were are in limbo. A limbo that is clearly not ok.

Several times on the vacation I was introduced as the wife. Not clear on the etiquette, I was unsure whether to correct the person or let it lie. What I learned was every time I corrected it, I was then asked how long we had been dating and when we thought we would be getting married. Sigh. At first it was funny. We would look at each other and laugh as people introduced me as the fiance but then it became grating.

In order to be accepted back into coupledom do we have to be married? And do these married couples think that asking when we are getting married is both appropriate and not at all uncomfortable. Should I start asking when they think they'll get divorced? When do they think they'll have their first affair? It isn't as if they are asking us what time is dinner. They are asking us to commit to a life together in a time frame that they feel is appropriate.

Well dammit, it took me six long years to find a man who I didn't give an awkwardly appropriate nickname to and thus doom to being a short term thing. So I am not going to live by the arbitrary couples rules that say I have to set a time limit for when my relationship goes from couple to married. Let me bask in my happiness. I have someone to go to movies with me, be my plus one and prevent me from being set up on horrible blind dates. Let me be the fifth and six at dinner. Let me have someone to go out with on a Saturday night that doesn't have boobs and bitch about being single. Let me enjoy the boyfriend stage.

Monday, March 3, 2014

I have been separated and divorced for over five years. I have been dating for four and a half of those years. I took a one year break after my ex-husband moved (was physically pushed) out of the house. I have been writing about my dating life since the start of my post-marriage single life. I have written about the bad, creepy and weird dates and sometimes written about the good relationships, after they ended and probably pissed me off. It has been a fun ride. I have met the most interesting, crazy, immature and completely self-involved men.

But something has happened. Something good and unexpected. I have met someone that is neither completely gross nor mentally unstable. He is not insecure nor is he emotionally stunted. He isn't looking for the next girl that might be better than me. And he makes me laugh. But most of all he likes me and I like him. So now what?

How do I proceed? How do I do a relationship post-divorce with custody schedules, work schedules, a crazy ex-husband and a mother that is just waiting for a marriage proposal and is determined to make it happen in her life time? Well, I guess the answer is plunge in head first, goggles on, and just see what happens.

It is a hard world for divorcees who want to have a semblance of a normal relationship. First there is the custody issue. Should you and your potential suitor have your children on opposing weekends, just end it now. You will never see each other. The average man has his children every other weekend and Wednesdays. Do the math. If you have opposite weekends and the woman is free on Wednesdays and the man isn't that leaves....well you will never see each other. If you happen to have the same weekend free, don't forget that your children will have events on those weekends that require your attendance. Until you have introduced your new beau, this will keep you two apart. Dating while divorced and with children is a lesson is dedication and patience.

My dating life is also plagued by a Jewish mother. My mother has not so secretly been sure that my lack of makeup, sarcastic mouth and overall inability to choose a decent man will forever keep me alone. So when this new man entered my life, I waited till I was sure he was not completely crazy, before I told her about him. When I did, she asked for his full stats. She had to google him after all. He met her requirements: breathing, Jewish, male and seemed to tolerate me. Then came the big meet. My mother avoided all eye contact with my beau. Why? If she scared him off I would be doomed to be the crazy cat lady. Afterward he asked me what was wrong with my mother. Where to begin?

I have navigated many a bad date and relationship. Now this is a good one. I am not sure how to proceed. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the crazy to emerge. I have no idea what the path is and how to walk on it. In my twenties every relationship was focused on the end goal of marriage. What do post-divorce relationships focus on - beside sex. Is marriage the end game? Or do we just move in together and live happily ever after? And what do you call someone who you are dating post-divorce? Boyfriend seems so high school. Friend is too casual. Special friend is just plain weird.

Navigating these waters is a new experience. Past relationships and traumas, baggage from marriages, children and exes all play a role in the future. But it is nice to be happy. So happy I will remain. Because after all I am divorced and single.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

So it is no secret that I am in my 40's and divorced. And it is no secret that while I have been sent dick pics from younger men and perhaps engaged in phone sex with younger men, I have never actually dated younger men. Let's clarify. Sure I have gone out with men that are younger than me, but only a year or two at most. The 20-something boy toy has never held any appeal for me. They may be young, virile and able to recover in a ridiculously short amount of time but they are still only 20-something. This means they are inexperienced, self involved and focused on the end game not the subtleties of the warm up. And they also speak. More importantly they are at a different stage of life that I have already lived.

But on my many dates with age appropriate men, I have seen a pattern when it comes to younger women. Most of the men have, at some time or another, dated a woman who could qualify in age as their daughter. And most of them, in fact almost all of them, profess to dislike dating younger women. They wax on about how it doesn't satisfy their needs. I call bullshit.

I recently lived this phenomena. A man I had been seeing (ok sleeping with on a regular basis and not much more) told me how he had no interest in younger women. He went on and on about how younger women were at a different period in their lives and he could not relate to them. All this was tempered by the fact that like most men, divorced and in their 40's and 50's, he came with baggage. It's hard to tell if his baggage started way back in middle school or was solely brought on by his marriage, but his deep seeded insecurity was tangible. His need to be in the 'popular' group of divorcees running around these parts was a huge turn off. His bragging about being in some inner circle of self-involved suburban Philadelphians was laughable. But his constant diatribe about older men dating younger women was the most amusing. Why? Because listening to this seemingly successful, pulled together man talk about his willingness to put up with crazy women, and relationships in order to remain in the good graces of the popular group, made it almost inevitable that he would end up in bed with a woman much younger than him. His insecure ego demanded it.

All these younger women have to do is bat their eyelashes at a slightly paunchy, insecure divorced man in his 40's and they come running. These men can't believe their luck. This attractive 20-something woman likes them. These men are unable to see past the tight bodies and perky boobs to what really is happening. The 20-something either has some serious Daddy issues, thinks the man is rich, or wants to be taken care of. Mostly it is probably all of the above. Eventually though, the 20-something wants more and the man, who probably has kids and a vasectomy, is thrown to the wind.

And here is where my story continues. Because the man I am talking about slipped and fell into a 20-something. And he wasn't man enough to tell me about it. But the world of dating in suburban Philadelphia is very small and word travels fast. So when I confronted him about this new conquest, his response was 'I wasn't with her when I was with you'. No, I am pretty sure you weren't, because I would have remembered that threesome. I cut communication, cause really who needs to deal with that, but as expected he did not go away. Days later I got an email from this man, saying he didn't want me to find out the way I did. I read it as "I really didn't want you to find out at all'. He then went on to say he really wanted to have 'meaningful contact' with me which I am guessing meant that he still wanted to have sex with me. No thanks.

And now, although he is still with this young nubile lady, he is actively looking for his next woman, age appropriate or not. I would like to tell this young naive woman that she is a short lived dalliance but I won't. She'll find out soon enough. Because rarely do these May/December relationships last. Eventually the 20-something wants marriage and a family and the 40's something wants retirement and Viagra. It's doomed. So when on a date with a man in his 40' or 50's who gabs on about his revulsion at dating a woman young enough to be his daughter, the correct response may be 'methinks thou dost protest too much'. Once they are divorced, many men see it as their right and duty to bed a younger woman, if not to stroke their own insecure ego but also to show off to their still married friends. It's a right of passage. So perhaps the plan is to ask, 'Have you already bedded your 20-something yet?' at the beginning of every date. Clarifying this may lead to a lot less hurt and heartache. This is my PSA to all the single ladies out there.