Month: May 2018

Over these past few months I have learned to really value friendship. I have received love, care and support from so many people. From those who were already my friends, and from those who I now class as my friends.

I have felt genuine love and understanding, people willing to hold out their hand, offer comfort, give their time, offer their shoulder – and expect nothing in return. People who have sent a message of support, just to let me know me and my family are cared for and thought about often.

I don’t think I really ever appreciated before the necessity of these people in my life – took them for granted I suppose, didn’t give it much thought or concern. All these people form either part of my inner or wider circle, some whom have a daily impact on my life, some who just add that bit of something here and there. But without them, without their words, messages, letters, cards, thoughts and prayers I’m not quite sure where I would be right now.

I have had people share some of their most personal and heartbreaking experiences of their own grief, the journey that they took, and how they have survived it. It has helped so much to know that whilst no-one can really experience exactly what you are going through, its so unique to each individual, but that they understand, they will listen, they can reassure. I don’t feel a burden to them when I express how I feel, when the outpouring of tears and sadness won’t stop – they have listened, they have hugged, they have understood.

What a privilege it is to have those warm, loving, caring people around me, to lift me up, often to drag me a long (whether I want to or not!). So many people in this world are alone, have no-one, have to bear their burdens without anyone there to help.

It feels pretty amazing to know that I am not alone, and I never will be.

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I thought I’d re-instate (or try to) a weekly roundup of me and my families week. Its easy to lose sight of the things you’ve achieved, enjoyed, found challenging, would rather forget!

So I’m going with

Highs

Lows

Good

Bad

Out of the Ordinary

The Mundane

High

Enjoying the sunshine on Bank Holiday Monday – went to Hemsworth Waterpark where we slowly cooked ourselves lazing in the sun, had a picnic, caught up with friends we’d not seen in quite a while.

Low

Being the emotional eater that I am (whether that be happy or sad lol), indulging far too much. Mr Cadbury along with Ben and Jerry are very much my best friends at the moment.

Good

Feeling the benefits of my increased anxiety meds – only way to describe it is feeling more even. Doesn’t sound much, but believe me, I’m grateful, more than grateful that my range of emotions aren’t quite so extreme from one minute to the next (I think the family are grateful too!)

Bad

Insomnia – manageable most of the time, but not all, a few pretty bad bouts this week resulting in reduced ability to remember anything. This is what I am blaming for losing my keys in the garage not once, not twice, but 3 times this week. You know, you open the garage (which is actually my store room for all my business stuff). Put the keys down whilst you go searching through the storage boxes, trollies, shelves etc, and instantly forget where you put them down. Then due to the fact you’ve moved loads of stuff around, realise they could be anywhere and spend the next 20 minutes getting more and more frantic that they are forever lost in the abyss. Actually, one of those times, after an extended, long, stressful search in the garage, I actually found them under a tea towel in the kitchen – how they had got from the garage to the kitchen I have no idea!!

Out of the Ordinary

Had to attend an appeal for Jessica’s chosen high school. Not an everyday occurrence. To sit in front of a panel of 3 along with the headmaster of the preferred high school and plead your case is pretty stressful to say the least – fingers crossed for a positive outcome – find out Monday.

Mundane

Sorted my office – its been getting increasingly worse as I piled more and more stuff on my desk over the recent weeks that I just wasn’t ready or able to deal with. But took a deep breath, gritted my teeth, made lots of different piles all over the desk, floor, in the bedroom. Filed stuff, binned stuff, actioned stuff (well, put in in the action pile.. promised myself I’ll actually action it later!) I don’t work well in chaos and cluttered environments, tidy space, tidy mind.. so here’s hoping I can get caught up on all the stuff I’ve been avoiding doing over the weekend.

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So I keep thinking I’ve turned a corner. Today will be better, or maybe tomorrow, and sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t, and sometimes is worse.

I hate wallowing, and am not generally a wallower, more of a get up and get on with it sort of person, which is probably why I am finding it so difficult to get to grips with the fact that I simply can’t get on with it.. its just too hard.

I make a plan, of what I’m going to achieve that day, of how I’m going to do it. Of how I’m going to be positive and turn that corner, then from the moment I try to get out (or rather crawl out!) of bed begins the struggle and carrying out the most mundane normal everyday to day tasks. I have no motivation, no desire to accomplish anything. I am literally forcing myself to be social, to see friends, to try and have fun, when really, I want is to close the door, see no-one, speak to no-one.

I wasn’t coping, or at least I didn’t feel I was, I was hearing from many about how amazing I was dealing with everything, but I knew on the inside and on the outside (just when no-one could see) I was crumbling. So I took the plunge and went to the Doctor. A short discussion later, lots of tears and tissues and I came away with a prescription to increase my anxiety meds, a number for bereavement counselling and a hope that with the increase in my meds I would start to feel some sort of level of control again.

And I do, 10 days in to the new dosage and I am more in control – most days. Thats not to say I’m all ok, I’m far from it, but I am functioning more evenly on a day to day basis. I am not so constantly overwhelmed by my sadness that I can’t function. I still cry (usually in the car as its the only time I’m on my own and don’t have to subject anyone else to my breakdowns). Note to self.. really must remember to check makeup after car journeys – arrived a number of places to catch myself in the mirror with panda eyes and streaky cheeks!

Corners I’ve turned this week:

Today, I actually managed to get myself to call the bereavement counselling service, so now waiting for an appointment ( probably about a month or so)

Yesterday I managed to get to the gym (today, I did not, but I did manage to eat half a tub of Ben and Jerry’s – perhaps I turned more of a bend than a corner today??)

Last night when to a local amateur production of Little Shop of Horrors – great show and only cried when I was in the car home – more because my first impulse was to tell mum about it and I couldn’t

Today – sorted my office – over the past month or so I’ve just piled things higher and higher on my desk, just not having the wherewith all to deal with anything.

These might all seem insignificant, minor achievements, but for me at the moment, they all feel pretty major.

Every day a new corner to turn, hoping they will lead to a more even, straight path forward to my new kind of normal.