so------------------i was so anxious for this to happen--------------------i finally got there------------------------i was overtaken-----------overwhelmed-------------i went home-----------------my world is so different now-----------i have this gut feeling-----------like i havent had in years-------------------i am so close to crying-------------------tears come to my eyes------------out of no where--------------------i am so afrade to go out in the world-----------------------dont know why----------------------------------i think this was a good experance for me========================as i am feeling something,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it isnt good,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but its something,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,maybe that is why they call this work.............................finally went by my work today--------------------to get my check----------------------------------i had arrange for the week off---------------------as i had no idea how i would react to this retreat thing--------------------------------------------been avoiding going by work--------------------------------boy everyone was so nice---------------------my boss shock my hand-------------------this is the first time when i shook anothers mans hand----------------------------------------------that i coulf feel his hand-------------------------------a mans hand---------------------------------------------i have no idea what thnis means----------------------------------------------i told my boss about being with men who cried----------------------he told me its ok for men to cry-------------------------than told me to enjoy the rest of my time off----------------------------this made my gut feeling go away for a short time------------------------------------------------------this is what i wanted-----------------to feel--------------------so i need to go with it------------not trying to numb out which could be so easy-----------------------thank you all ----------------------------who was there for allowing me to be there and experiance yours pain,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,steve

It really is a nice thing to feel something -- even if its a bad something -- for a change. Sounds like you have a good supportive boss. I truly hope you find a way to stay with these feelings prior to heading back to work. I've been trying to work this week and it seems the only way I know how to work is to shut off feelings... I'm trying to mix the two but its really difficult.

Since you have the week off...try to let it flow...life will get back in the way, and you might not have an opportunity like this again for a while. If you need to call one of your small group, do it! Talking might help you process...in our short conversation, I found you were articulate, so get it out.

Peace,Jorge

_________________________
I found my little boy at Alta 2007...I spoke the unspeakable shame at Sequoia 2008...I learned to flounder at Alta 2009

yea that breathing thing-----------need to remember that-----------------yea i am going with it prety much-----------------really havent turned on the tv---------------------which is unusal for me------------------i normally have it on all of the time----------------so i am dealing with silance----------------my choice-----------------------i think the hardest tiing for me----------------------being i live by myself-----------------i dont have much contack wth people-----------------except work----------------and i kinda have been content with that---------------------------but spending time with everyone-----------------------was such a new experance for me-----------------------------------------the bonding caring ect--------------------------then i came back to being by myself--------------------no big deal i just need to get use to it-----------------------------------i can recall as a boy i went to summer camp-----------------------i didnt wanted to go home--------------------------when i did get home i felt this very same way--------------took a few weeks to get over it then-----------------------------------i was pretty much a loner then also--------------not much people contact--------------------and my parents didnt do hugs----------------or touching------------that sort of stuff--------------------------------steve

I like Dwayne's comment...just be Steve. Whatever you need to do - do it. Cry if you need to, talk if you can, but just be Steve for a bit.

I remember being in the same place for awhile. I was making progress but I had no idea what to do with it. I felt like I was reinventing myself, and that was confusing and VERY daunting indeed.

But Steve, what you are doing, and what I did, is just discovering the "real me". We have spent so many years compensating and closing down that doing this feels strange and confusing. But let me tell you - it's worth it!

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

thanks-----------------larry-------------i have been doubting it latley--------------is it worth it---------------------------i guess it is------------------new feelings--------------real scary------------------------steve

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