Oooo, it's almost time for a brand new Government Food Pyramid! A panel of nutrition experts issued new Dietary Guidelines yesterday for Americans to ignore. The only ones paying attention: Kraft Foods Inc., your friendly corporate diet overlord.

The guidelines, for the most part, are like "Eat more vegetables and less salt and drink fewer fake Kool-Aid type drinks and try not stuff your face full of Ho-Hos all the time, you hopeless fucks." As one would expect. I mean how much can it really change, barring some breakthrough scientific discovery of the human body's need for massive amounts of high fructose corn syrup? The only real new advice this time is to eat less salt, and woops, you already exceeded the day's needs with that bacon egg and cheese bagel this morning, so why even try? Allow the massive conglomerates to worry about that for you.

In response to the report, Kraft Foods Inc. said it has already been reducing sodium in its products for some time. For instance, Kraft cut the amount of sodium in its Oscar Mayer wieners by 25% last month, a spokeswoman said.