Day: December 21, 2017

Feelings, thrown and killed on the side.
Once held weight,
Now a lifeless husk.

My feelings, lying lifeless on the side.
Old, withered and left out in the cold.
A time it’s expired.
My own process;
Cutting off the hand, to save the arm.
Cutting out the feelings, to save the self.

The deep carving,
Reaching in,
To pull out every tendril,
Every weed that has infested its way into my soul,
Festered away at my insides,
Corrupting all to the touch.

My realisation,
The need,
The time has finally come,
Long overdue.
To reach in,
Pull out.
To kill and leave out.
My feelings.
To let them starve,
Out in the cold wastelands.

To move ahead,
Unburdened,
Unhurt.
A choice I’ve made,
Given no choice,
Hurtful demons clouding and clawing my mind.
Hurtful people tearing all that is left.
Until.
All that is left to do,
Take out the feeling,
Leave and move on,
Recover.

To escape the cancerous grip.
To survive in my own world,
My mind, without their hurt to be my sea of existence.

All.
Through killing unwanted feelings.

Writing this thinking, had a conversation with a new friend on MoodTrack. Thinking of how I want to live my life, without continual pain, how someone can hurt, knowingly and yet continue just so they can benefit themselves.

Such an unusual concept, how can anyone do it to another?
With good friends beside me and an unwillingness to put uo with horrible people I’ll move on and kill all the feelings for all those who do not deserve any attention. I care about everyone, unfortunately, and will not anymore for those who cause nothing but pain, especially if it’s intentional hurtful pain.

Thinking back to before, deep in depression, and even into summer when it got better, it took a long time, and I don’t think I would have if it wasn’t for a totally random act of kindness from a then-stranger. The feeling even when meeting them, as it had been for months when I had gotten ‘better’ was of total unfeeling. Even thinking about feelings like their were alien to me, not even emotions-feeling. But every feeling, every mental occurence within my head that wasn’t “this is the next task on your list to do next today” and all was done totally without motivation.

She, maybe she really doesn’t see the pain caused, or the lies or how a moment she said really hurt her, one moment, she made me live again and again. When one can see pain done to them, and do the same to others willingly, knowingly. Well. Enough’s enough. No matter what. At least I’ve realised, there are some people out there not worth caring about.

Over summer, now, people are always bewildered to hear me say I don’t hate anyone, not from my past, bullies, I don’t care about, other grudges I’ve let go as it’s no use holding onto. This, is someone I hate. Someone I will remember that fact. Because sometimes you need a reminder of bad people. Often dressed up as good and kind ones.

Spent most of all the 21st thinking of this, at least passively while reading.

It’s time, this is enough. I’m sick of hurtful people tricking me. I have a terrible habit of believing the best in people when it’s not there. So far in my life, only one person I’ve had to just accept this is the case. I hope this happens few and far between.

Poem may be dark, I’m not sad as such, been mixed while writing this, but mostly, sad at what it’s come to, sad at how I’ve been hurt, angry at how people can cause pain. But content, I have tried all I can. Now I have to do what I’ve been encouraged to all along, what I’ve known I have to do, what I’ve wanted but also not wanted to do. Cut out the hurt, unneeded causes. Let go of all care, as it was never given anyway. Let go and erase from my mind. Only then can I fix what’s been done and go on happy.

Pain of memory,
A place once knew,
Remembering,
Holding on,
A tremendous pain.

Away from the bliss of letting go,
Drift out of memory.
A chain wrapped around my ankle,
Wrapped around my neck.
Dragging me under.

I wish to forget,
The many moments gone bad.
I wish to relieve all of the pain away.

To forget, to heal without scarring.
Waking up anew, renewed, completely new.
While remembrance, a knife in my side,
The pain a reminder,
My mind a reminder.

Walking this Earth with the memory intact.
A painful reminder,
Painful record,
Of all life’s pains.
A narrative start-end of all gone wrong,
Of all lost,
Of all said,
Waiting and wishing.
For the memory to clear.
For the memory to end.

To wake up clear,
To find the end,
To move on anew.

Without.
The pain of memory.

A poem inspired by the words in this scene, the occurrences immediately before and after. These resonated with me, memory, empathising with the characters.

It may seem like a sad poem, I’m actually quite content, it’s a sad topic, one I emphasise with, I remember a lot, always has been a bad thing. I remember things people easily forget, the words said on a drunken night out, not meant, or meant, later forgotten. The person who forgets, is blessed with an ability to heal without even scars, those who remember, cannot heal or do with the most painful of scars even if they can.