36 Things That Will Annoy You If You Live In Perth

By Kirsty Petrides - 11 Jun 2016

We love Perth. We love the sun, the sand, the sea. We love the people and the laid back vibes. We love it so much it's almost like Perth is our soulmate. But as with any serious, committed relationship, as much as you love your soulmate, there are some times when they irritate you so much all you want to do is punch them right in the face.

Here are 36 things that drive us crazy about our beloved Perth.

Paying $14 for a pint. Seriously. The mining boom is over, people. We can’t keep living like this.

Telling people overseas you’re from Perth, and then having to explain to them that no, Perth is not a suburb in Sydney.

Or, if they have heard of Perth, explaining that no, you do not personally know Tame Impala or Sam Worthington.

The weird laws with retail hours. Perth shops are only allowed to stay open late one night of the week, yet Bunbury is allowed to have a 24-hour Kmart. No fair! What if I want to buy reasonably-priced homewares at 3am? I’m not saying I do, but I’d like to have the option.

That guy in your office who complains every morning about his horrific commute to work, but scoffs at the suggestion of a train, bus or carpooling. Come on now, Gary, let’s focus on solutions instead of the problem.

Sharks. They’re everywhere. And they’re coming to get ya.

‘Perthonalities’. It’s not a word. And having a blog and going to a new bar on the weekend doesn’t make you famous—it makes you the same as 70 per cent of the Perth population. Take a seat, pal.

People ragging on Uber. What’s wrong with you? This is the first time we’ve been able to get home from a night out in Northbridge without standing in a taxi queue for two hours. Uber is revolutionising our social lives, why you gotta be a hater?

People who do a ski season in Whistler and then come back with a Canadian accent. It doesn’t work like that, champ. Revert back to your regular accent please. Everybody knows you’re from Joondalup.

Downloading the Transperth app thinking it will be as helpful as the Sydney Opal app or Transport for London app, but finding that all it will help you do is be late for work and get a referral to an anger management specialist.

Blindfolding your interstate mates when you pick them up from the airport, so they don’t catch their first glimpse of Perth and want to turn around and get back on the plane.

Wanting to try out a new cafe, but then remembering that the whole of Perth will descend on any new eatery, and you’ll be lining up for three hours for eggs on toast.

Being constantly baffled as to what is classed as the ‘Perth metro area’ these days. Yanchep? Singleton? They’re like 60kms from Perth, are they really classed as ‘metro’? Yep, yep they are. Go figure.

Getting fat because every time you try to go for an evening run, you get distracted by the sunset and end up taking photos instead of exercising.

Getting even fatter because an Xtend Barre class in Perth requires you to re-mortgage your house.

Paying the same amount of money to go to Rottnest for the weekend as you would to go to Bali for a fortnight.

When you go to the beach in February and quickly realise this is what being set on fire must feel like, and leave immediately.

Having to explain to people who are not from Perth why the north of the river vs south of the river divide exists. “No, the Swan River is not really wide. No, it doesn’t take long to drive across it. No, people in Perth are not scared of crossing bridges. We don’t know why it exists, it just does.”

Listening to people tell us how bad we are at merging. We know, we know.

People updating their Facebook status when it starts raining. “Oh my god, it’s like totally raining! Have you seen this weather?!” Thanks for the update, guys. Because I don’t have windows. Or eyes.

The lack of umbrella etiquette during those three days a year when it is raining. Every other city in the world knows the rule—when approaching someone shorter than you or with a smaller umbrella than yours, raise your umbrella slightly. Don’t just keep charging along St George’s Terrace until you knock someone over or take their eye out.

Enduring the icy cold wind tunnel that is Brookfield Place just so you can go get an after-work cocktail.

Flying to an overseas, exotic, coastal paradise, only to find that their best beach is actually absolute garbage compared to Perth’s beaches.

Getting excited when you hear your favourite band is coming to Australia, but then remembering you live in the most isolated city in the world and they are definitely not coming to Perth.

Having to explain to people why we don’t have daylight savings. “Yeah, apparently it’s not good for the cows, messes them right up. It also fades your curtains, and we Western Australians really like our curtains.”

When your mates in Sydney and Melbourne tell you all about the cool shops they’ve been going to that you’ve never even heard of. Well, we just got an Aldi so…

Trying to remember what you’re meant to be calling Subiaco Oval these days.

Having a train station kind of nearby, but not actually being able to use it because it doesn’t have a parking lot or a pick-up/drop-off area. (Yes, I’m looking at you, Canning Bridge. Who are you even helping? Why are you even here?)

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By Kirsty Petrides

Kirsty is a born and bred Perthie who is addicted to coffee, yoga and quoting The Office at any opportunity. When she isn’t devouring red wine and cheese, you might find her making sarcastic jokes, or pretending to be a dog-owner at her local dog beach so she can play with other people’s puppies. You can follow her ramblings on Twitter.

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