All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort
to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit
more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when
a flight attendant announced, "People, people... we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

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! ! !

On a Continental flight with a very "senior"
flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This
is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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! ! !

"There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but
there are only four ways out of this airplane."

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! ! !

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."

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! ! !

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"

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! ! !

From a Southwest Airlines employee:

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."

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! ! !

"Weather at our destination is fifty degrees with
some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

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! ! !

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
take them with our compliments."

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! ! !

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all
of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

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! ! !

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

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! ! !

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

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! ! !

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight:

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the
smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em,
you can smoke 'em."

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement
over the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had
a policy which required the first Officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have
a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane.