A little trail of breadcrumbs left behind as I make my way through the path of eating disorder treatment and recovery. So I can find my way back to appreciate the journey.

Monday, January 9, 2012

New Year's Revolutions

We're 9 days in to 2012. Which means 75% of the women of the world are already punishing themselves for having eaten a cookie and/or not working out 5 days a week. That's clearly a real stat that I didn't make up off the top of my head.

But seriously. Has this always been such a thing?? Is it because everyone I know is getting older and this is what older people resolve to do? Never eat cookies? Lose a randomly decided 10 pounds? Or is it just that I'm more aware of it?

People, enough with the insanity. Nothing magical happened with the dawn of 2012. Being a woman and navagating the waters of body image and self worth is hard enough without this self imposed date of needing to change everything you think you hate about yourself in one fell swoop.

There's a certain satisfaction I get by being free from that. I'll even go so far as to say smugness. I'm not allowed to "go there". And it's one rule I have grabbed onto and will cling to until I can't hold on any longer. My happiness is independant from my weight, my clothing size, what I ate yesterday.

Which brings be to an additional thought I've been mulling over in the past few weeks. It's stupidly hard to be in treatment when you're overweight. It goes back to what I felt in the very early stages. There's this certain "glamour" (definitely used loosely!!!) to those with ED who are rail thin that is NOT afforded those of us who struggle just as hard and are overweight. How do you expect someone to understand that you're in treatment NOT to lose weight, but to save your life? By looking at me, no one would know that I've been this weight and gone days with only minimal calories to eat, nearly passing out from dehydration, being slightly delirious from lack of nutrition only to follow it up with bingeing to the point of my body expelling the food as I still try to shove more in. No, no glamour there indeed.

I know for a fact there are people in my life who still think I'm in treatment as a weight loss tool. It's so hard for non-ED folks, non-obese folks to understand it. Yes, I'm aware I'm obese. Trust me. I'm more aware of it than anyone should be. But treatment isn't about fixing THAT. Treatment is fixing the emotions behind that. It's about getting my brain into a place where I'm not so fragile and damaged. A place where I deserve to be fed. Deserve to take up space. Deserve to be more than my relationship with food and my body. I'm in a place right now where I can keep things fairly separate. I'm not allowed to weight myself. I'm not allowed to measure myself. I'm working every single day to keep my new found passion for running away from ED. I'm working every single day to keep the food I eat away from ED. I'm working every single day to keep who I am in the world away from ED.

I don't have time to worry about losing an arbitrary 15 pounds or to fall apart because I ate a cookie. I'm working on my revolution. The revolution against ED.