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Reason # 1 Living In Oregon Sucks (part 3)

As I’ve perviously stated, I’ve moved around… For awhile I lived in Texas, which by the way, FUCK me it was hot! You do not know the true meaning or feeling of “Swamp Ass” until you spend a summer in central Texas wallowing in your own foul gravy. Basting your salty nut-sac until it’s a perfect 100000 degrees. “Mmmm! Who brought the ham salad, y’all!”

Oh… And the indigenous people of Texas are BIG fat fucks! Whoever first said “…everything’s bigger in Texas!” must have been being sat on by a big fat fuck, like, from the side on the victim’s pelvis. Soon, the Fat Texan starts to lightly bounce up and down. The victim starts to feel their insides touch, zapping nerves with deep internal pain after every fatty heave. Internal hemorrhaging and organs that have never touched before seemingly having orgies of pain to match the orgy of humiliation and cracking bones. Judging from the pain, maybe these internal organs should be segregated. How ironic since Texas is know for championing the concept of segregation.

But, Yeah yeah, that bullshit goes double for their goddamn asses! They’re big. I don’t care if someone else has made that joke before, I’ve seen it, and it’s all too true. Just watch any given episode of “Texas Storage Wars” and play a game of Spot The Svelte Guy. Better yet, make it a drinking game. You could play it at an AA meeting.

But the music was good, and the people were nice. Which is more than I can say for these asshole shit-headed hacks in Eugene, Or. Too harsh? Then you live here if you’re so great. Speaking of the local folks:

Just imagine whatever he's saying in the voice of sling blade

No no, you don’t understand. They’re fucking weird! It’s hard to explain, but they’re so…odd. Unknowable. Under the hippie veneer, is a mean-spirited and judgmental soul of a snake, and they don’t take kindly to strangers.

Of all the places I’ve been, they seem to have the most quiet, serial killer-types per capita.the populous is mad up mostly of Steve Wilkos guests. Lots of drinking, yelling, tweekin, cracked TCRI cans for people.

For instance: I don’t know why, but I’ve met more abusive couples here than anywhere else I’ve ever lived. It’s ok though… They hit each other, see. It seems to always goes both ways, so it’s cool, (and their kids throw Mone at em’) And then they’re just, like, “Whatever! I have a black eye, CPS took the kids, and my husband’s out on bail. But how was YOUR weekend?!”