I guess I dont understand why no one has called Cleo herself? I know with my wedding, my parents did have to field some calls, but they sent most of them to me, unless they knew for sure the answers.

If your brother is refusing to get in touch with people himself, and you need to be involved I guess the best situation would you you getting in touch with Cleo, asking her to clarify expectations with your brother and then step back. You will have done all you can at that point.

I must have missed something, too...sounds like it has nothing to do with work at all.

Yarnspinner, I think you need to stay completely out of this. Although your intentions are good, it sounds like the situation doesn't need any more cooks in the kitchen

The initial post was accidentally posted while still in the original draft - working title instead of final title. Things are actually not related to work in this thread.....although with Yarnspinner's life - that seems to be where much, if not all, of the odd things happen.

Does anyone remember the Friends episode where a minor character tells Rachel that Phoebe's singing is so bad that he wants to stick his finger in his eye and straight into his brain and swirl it around to make the pain stop? Kind of how I was feeling tonight.

I must have said "SIL, I don't know. Really, I Do Not Know. Don't know what to tell you. Don't know. Bride and I aren't besties, don't know" about 150 times in the last half hour.

My brother sent in the RSVP card (at least I remembered what to call it instead of the "reply thingie") with 4 guests attending. He and SIL made arrangements to stay at a nice place closer to the wedding venue and cheaper than the place selected by the parents of the bride for their guests. Yay, right? Everyone's happy and dancing around, unicorns are popping rainbows from places unicorns shouldn't pop rainbows and the squirrels are singing a happy song.

So tonight SIL calls and asks "Do you want to do a family gift? Where are they registered? Were yu invited to a bridal shower? Why not? Do you really think your brother and I are invited? What would you do? What if we walk in and there's no place for us? And it went onandonandonandon until I wanted to stick a fork in my eye.

By the end of the exchange my brother was involved,shouting that she'd convinced him they weren't really invited and he didn't want to go now and it was a lot of money to spend anyway, so he was sending them an email to tell them the family couldn't go because of his new job (which he has, so not a total lie) and they wouldn't be able to go and he went on to say he wouldn't be able to enjoy himself anyway thinking all the time that maybe they hadn't been invited and everyone was thinking they were wedding crashers.

SIL kept saying she'd never been to a wedding where she wasn't also invited to the shower and didn't know where the couple was registered. I said something about it being refreshing NOT to know where the couple was registered, thus leaving things open and that I had been involved with weddings where not everyone was invited to the shower because it wasn't something we did in my neck of the woods. Only the bride's closest friends showed up for the showers in my area, so not something we worried about.

THEN SIL asks me when Dad is flying up to stay with me and I got huffy because HE LIVES IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH THEM AND THEY DON'T TALK. I told her that he was going to ask Brother to set up a flight reservation for him but he was dragging his feet on that. "Well, maybe he doesn't want to go, either," she says "that's okay."

So, at this point in time my father may or may not be flying up here to stay with me and attend the wedding or he may be trying to think up a way to tell me he is not up for flying and doesn't want to come up at all...meanwhile, I am trying to plan, oh, gee, my own little weekend getaway vacation with friends (four lousy days--it's the only real vacation I get all year and no matter when we plan it, my family automatically needs me to visit them THAT weekend), some doctor's appointments and couple of conference trips. And somehow, I am the one making things difficult. At least I feel as though I am.

I just looked at what I wrote because I was wondering why everyone kept saying "Have them call the bride" when I was sure I had written about them calling the bride.

My brother did, in fact, call the bride at her father's suggestion. (It went something like "Of COURSE you all were invited! We had you on our list. Here, call Cleo at this number and let her know what happened. But of course, you are invited and we will expect you to be there.") So my brother called Cleo and...it's been two weeks and not a word, so he feels that they really weren't invited and Cleo's Mom and Dad are hugely embarrassed by the fact that their daughter left relatives off the list and don't want to admit it.

Cue more phone calls to me. I mean, SIL was asking me what the colors were, how many bridesmaids and so forth....it's not like I am the bride's best friend. I am an old, well liked cousin who keeps in touch, however intermittently.

Oh wow, that's so very frustrating. I'm betting if this happened with your family, its happened with a lot of people. I would hope the bride hasnt called your brother back yet because she's busy calling everyone else who had a mixed up invite and will get to him soon. however I suspect she's just really lax in planning and doesnt see the big deal. "Her parents said he was invited, what else do they need to know?"

At this point I would remove myself from the loop and announce that the cat is on fire/there's a pan boiling over on the stove/aliens have landed on my lawn and I need to finish making their tea. If they aren't willing to take on the monumental task of calling the bride on their very own, that's not your problem. Don't get involved.

Logged

If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls

I just looked at what I wrote because I was wondering why everyone kept saying "Have them call the bride" when I was sure I had written about them calling the bride.

My brother did, in fact, call the bride at her father's suggestion. (It went something like "Of COURSE you all were invited! We had you on our list. Here, call Cleo at this number and let her know what happened. But of course, you are invited and we will expect you to be there.") So my brother called Cleo and...it's been two weeks and not a word, so he feels that they really weren't invited and Cleo's Mom and Dad are hugely embarrassed by the fact that their daughter left relatives off the list and don't want to admit it.

Cue more phone calls to me. I mean, SIL was asking me what the colors were, how many bridesmaids and so forth....it's not like I am the bride's best friend. I am an old, well liked cousin who keeps in touch, however intermittently.

Like others have said, don't answer the questions. Keep saying "call the bride." And since it sounds like they did and then they called Cleo but they aren't getting the reply they need, keep telling them that you don't know anything and that they need to figure it out on their own - either by calling the bride again, calling Cleo again or just showing up because you do not know anything. If they don't let it go after that, make up an excuse and hang up the phone.

I guess what I don't understand is why you are letting this be your problem to this extent. It isn't. Tell people that. I don't think you need to bean dip - tell your SIL flat out that you can't help her any further and don't want to keep on hearing about it because you don't know the answers to the questions and you don't have the intention to find out because these aren't questions that particularly matter to you (number of bridesmaids, wedding colors, etc.).

However, since you are neither the bride nor groom, nor the parents of either one of them, nor the wedding planner, the safest bet is to answer any and all questions which don't directly involve you with the phrase, "I'm sorry, it's not my wedding, I'm just another guest. You really will need to ask the bride." A followup phrase would would, "I'm sorry you didn't get the answer from the bride, but I'm not involved in the planning and have no special knowledge about the wedding."

For a present, you should buy one on your own, as soon as possible. That way, if asked, you can say you have already gotten a gift, thank you for asking, or suggesting they go in on a present with you, or whatever the question is.

For your weekend away, do yourself a favor and don't plan it for the same weekend.

For your father coming to stay, wait until he asks/informs you. If he doesn't bother to ask or inform you, then either you'll be at home or not when he arrives. If you are out of town, then he will have to find somewhere else to stay and next time he might think to call ahead.

[Like others have said, don't answer the questions. Keep saying "call the bride." And since it sounds like they did and then they called Cleo but they aren't getting the reply they need, keep telling them that you don't know anything and that they need to figure it out on their own - either by calling the bride again, calling Cleo again or just showing up because you do not know anything. If they don't let it go after that, make up an excuse Tell them you have nothing to say to them on this topic, and hang up the phone.

I'd modify the advice above .

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I guess what I don't understand is why you are letting this be your problem to this extent. It isn't. Tell people that. I don't think you need to bean dip - tell your SIL flat out that you can't help her any further and don't want to keep on hearing about it because you don't know the answers to the questions and you don't have the intention to find out because these aren't questions that particularly matter to you (number of bridesmaids, wedding colors, etc.).

yeah, just don't even listen to the questions.

Don't even say, "It's not my wedding, I'm not the bride," because you have been saying that. Say instead, "I've got to go. Goodbye!"

(also, I don't know what you HAVE said, but when you are trying to say "I don't know, don't ask me," be sure you do not EVER speculate, guess, or anything. So not say, "well, most people do X, but I don't know what they do." Say, "I have no idea, and I don't know why you are asking me. Can we please talk about something else?" Also, let go of the idea that you *ought* to answer the question. Just because someone asks you something does NOT mean you need to answer.)