The Guatemalan Sinkhole: My Solution

People of Earth, by now you’ve heard that over the weekend, a massive sinkhole swallowed up a building in Guatemala. Now, some of you might think that our planet is becoming angry with us. I think that the recent sinkhole is a blessing in disguise.

Rumored to be about 200 feet deep, the sinkhole makes the perfect place to send criminals. Before you move your mouse cursor to click away, hear me out on this. Around the world, especially in the United States, we have a huge problem with overcrowding in our jails, in addition to our horrible financial situation. The problem is so bad that they are seriously considering releasing inmates earlier than normal just to make room. I personally don’t feel safe knowing that criminals, who didn’t serve all of their time, are being let out into society without any reassurance of proper reformation.

The additional cost of confining an inmate to death row, as compared to the maximum security prisons where those sentenced to life without possibility of parole ordinarily serve their sentences, is $90,000 per year per inmate. With California’s current death row population of 670, that accounts for $63.3 million annually.

Using conservative rough projections, the Commission estimates the annual costs of the present (death penalty) system to be $137 million per year.

The cost of the present system with reforms recommended by the Commission to ensure a fair process would be $232.7 million per year.

The cost of a system in which the number of death-eligible crimes was significantly narrowed would be $130 million per year.

The cost of a system which imposes a maximum penalty of lifetime incarceration instead of the death penalty would be $11.5 million per year.

Over the past two years, I’ve seen how budget cuts have affected my daughters school, how my Mother In-Law, who is a teacher, worried she would get a pink slip, and how difficult it is for my friends to find jobs. It’s just not right, we shouldn’t have to keep paying for these assholes… and here is my solution.

We need money, and no matter what, we can’t stop people from committing crimes. With people more desperate than ever, it wouldn’t shock me if there has been a surge in crime. Now, add that to the fact that people know they are planning on cleaning out the prisons, there really is no reason for them to fear going to jail. For all they know, they have it in their head that they will be in and out, back on the streets to do some more bad kid shit.

What if we turned the sinkhole into the prison? You break the law, you get thrown in the hole and die. I know it might come off as being slightly barbaric, but if it worked for the Spartans in 300, it sure as fuck can work for America. Obviously there would be some sort of system (which wouldn’t be of public knowledge to maintain mystery and fear) to deem what crimes are worthy of going into the hole, which I would like to dub Guatalamo Bay. Some of the individuals who would commit the lesser crimes would go to jail, and since there would be more than enough room for them, getting released early isn’t an option. Those who committed some major no-no’s, like rapists, murderers/serial killers, child molesters, etc get Guatalamo Bay baby!

I don’t know about you, but if I knew that by committing a crime I could be potentially tossed into a 200+ foot deep hole, plummeting to my death, I sure as shit would be an angel for the rest of my life. There is nothing out there to scare criminals anymore. They obviously don’t fear the police or getting shot, and with jail being so lovely, they have no electric chair to fear, nor do they have to worry about lethal injection since that is rarely done. It should be noted that if the person in jail is there because they did something to children, the inmates will take care of that, so at least justice is served in that respect. You get my point though. A massive hole, where there is no other outcome than death, is enough to scare some people straight. Just by looking at this high resolution image of Guatalamo Bay makes me fear it.

So, Guatemalans, don’t despair. Your natural disaster may have saved the state of California, and maybe the entire United States.

Now if only I can trick the Republicans into thinking this is their idea….you know how they just love killing people!