Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Take this Job and Shove It! Jobs I couldn't do.

A few years ago I had a friend named David who was a Repo Driver. He would tell me, on a daily basis, how much his job sucked and how dangerous it was. I figured that it was somewhat dangerous, people getting their cars taken away can't be the most calming situation in the world, but I always figured that David was making it worse than it was in reality. So one day I went with him just to see if what he said was actually true. Within the first hour I realized that his job was no joke, as a gentleman whose truck David was about to toe away threatened to get the shotgun out of his car and shoot the both of us with it. That same night I fought a man who punched me in the face through the passenger side window, was called racial slurs by a woman with exactly three teeth in her mouth(I told her that she probably flosses with her arm and shit), and squared off and almost fought a man that was probably the same age of my grandfather if he was still alive. Two things came out of my mouth continuously that night. 1. When people would bitch about their vehicle being snatched I would say, "You should pay your fucking bills then! You fucking savage! and 2: "Fuck this, I couldn't do this job." These are a few jobs I couldn't do, inspired by my night hanging with David.

Police Officer: As much of a disdain as I have for all types of authority figures, and my run-ins with officers in the past, I have a respect for the legitimate men and women who serve their community and don't throw racism and harassment in their daily crime fighting routine. I mentioned before that I have a friend who is a police officer, well, the other day I wanted to go with him and document it for my blog.(I know, I should have learned my lesson from the David incident) I had a tape recorder, notepad, I was ready to do some old school reporting. About a half hour into it I had to put everything down, just amazed at all the shit that I had seen in a short time period. As we were on patrol, I also noticed that I could never be a police officer because I would absolutely abuse my authority. For example, if I arrested a gentleman that kept saying how much he could "Beat my ass", I could see taking his cuffs off and saying, "Lets go motherfucker, you and me!", beating his ass in his front lawn. Not only that, as a person who doesn't have a uniform I always found it irritating to chase somebody for blocks that I was trying to beat the brakes off of. I think that I would have a policy that any man that made me run more than two blocks would get the business end of my night stick for a few moments.

There are also other issues that would arise from me being an officer of the law. You always see the police trying to talk to a guy with a gun, commanding him to "put the gun down", only shooting him if he raises the firearm in their direction. Not me, I would ask him once, and if he was slow about it I would turn his knee-caps into Swiss cheese as I continuously pulled the trigger of my gun like a character out of an old western.(I don't have all fucking day.) Lastly, being that women are my ultimate weakness, I could see myself letting women go for certain crimes as long as they flashed their pearly whites and had some cleavage exposed. I'm not talking about just random traffic stops either, if you looked right and pumped my ego enough I could see letting a beautiful vixen go on some murder shit. Me:Ma'am, your husband has three gunshots to the head, what happened?Woman:Well, (exposing cleavage) he would continuously beat on me and degrade me.(Rubbing the back of my neck) I had enough and shot him.Me:(adjusting growing "chubby)Well, ahem, shit maybe he deserved it. Let's say it was a suicide.(wiping the gun down and placing it in the man's hand) Woman:But there is three holes in his head, how is that going to work exactly? Me:Who fucking cares, what are you doing later? I definitely couldn't be a cop.

Porn Star: Besides the fact that I would provide America with a series of disappointing 2 minute porn videos, there are other reasons why I would be a lousy porn star. For one thing, I am a germaphobe, so even though the porn stars get tested regularly for STD's, that wouldn't be enough for me. Not only would I wear two condoms, I would probably wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask. I could even see myself scrubbing my sex partner with some wet wipes before we started having sex.(I don't know where her ass has been! What am I like guy number 50 this week, and it's only Tuesday and shit) Porn directors would hate me because mid scene I would scream shit like, "Cut! Cut! I am not putting my tongue in that particular orifice, primarily because not only have a few guys gotten to know that "hole" intimately a scene before, but you pulled so many beads out of there I thought I was back a mardi Gras. No thanks!"

I would also not be involved in any 3 way scene involving 2 men entering the various orifices of one woman. I don't know about any of the other guys out there, but I have a rule that another penis has to be at least 100 meters away from mine, that's just how it goes. Even though nothing homosexual is going on, and the two guys in a 3-way scene are there just for the woman, but if we accidentally touch "privates" I just might go on a motherfucking killing spree. Lastly, I have to admit that I get distracted when somebody talks to much during sex. I don't mean your garden variety, "Ohh. Yesss. That feels good. You will have to pay 50 bucks extra for that." I understand hearing those things during sex, but when somebody says shit like, "Hey Daddy, have I been a bad girl. Are you going to punish me, bend me over your knee??" If I heard this during a scene I would politely put my finger over her mouth and say, "Can your non acting ass shut the fuck up and enjoy the next 2 minutes, I know I will! I would enjoy it more if you shut your pie hole, you wanna-be B-Actress." That definitely is another job that I am not suited for.

Radio Personality: I feel that I could have my own show and come up with new and interesting skits on a daily basis. It would probably be fun, laughing with the co-stars of my show and taking calls from my loyal listeners. That wouldn't be the problem. The problem, being that 90% of the countries radio stations play non-stop bullshit, would be the music that I would be forced to play and the interviews that I would give. I mean, imagine if I was having a deep discussion about Hip Hop with a panel of guests, dissecting the intricacies of underground Hip Hop, and then I would be forced to say some shit like, "We will be right back, right after this new Mike Jones song!" How fucking foolish would I look, and feel for that matter. Let's say that my guest for the next day was, I don't know, the group "The Ying Yang Twins". I would spend the previous night doing research on them, coming up with a plethora of interesting questions to ask them. The next day, as they sat in front of me, I would begin the interview session: Me: So, when exactly did you..(shaking head, feeling light headed) Sorry guys, when exactly did you..(Stopped again, starts growling, displaying a nervous tick) OK, when did you guys..(asshole transformation complete) Exactly when did you guys start completely SUCKING ASS! You guys suck!! You are a disgrace to every man and women that ever held the microphone with pride, you fucking minstrel show!Ying Yang:Lets get the fuck out of here. Then I would proceed in taking the entire building hostage as I played Hip Hop from 1986-1993 for days on end, until Clear Channel got fed up and payed a sniper to take my black ass out.

Politician: Even though I publicly threw my hat in the political arena, urged on by Bill Clinton, I seriously could never be a politician. I just don't have the temperament for it. If Karl Rove or any type other political strategist tried to publicly smear an opponents family, that politician might come on a talk show and say how "dirty" the other side is. Not me, I can see going to a party in Washington where mostly politicians were in attendance. I see Karl Rove and I say, "Hey homey, can I talk to you for a minute?(moving quickly through the crowd) What did you say about my daughter again? Let's talk." Karl:(jogging away) What are you talking about? Someone call security. Security!! Then I would bring Karl down like a Pee-Wee football tackling drill, beating his ass in front of the likes of Jimmy Cater and Nelson Mandela. It wouldn't be pretty.

How about debates?? Usually, when someones opponent says something inaccurate, a politician would kindly say, "My opponent isn't being honest with you good Americans.." I couldn't be that respectful, if someone told a blatant lie I would say, "That is some bullshit! You know that is some bullshit right?? You are so full of shit! (pulling out a sheet of economic figures)Look at the economy the last few years when you were in office? (Grabbing the back of the opponents head and smashing his face into the piece of paper) Look at it?? You still want to say that same bullshit??

Also, if another country was talking shit and kept saying how they "wouldn't disarm" their nuclear weapons while I was Commander in Chief, I would do what any other Hip Hop lover would do. I would make a diss record about the dictator in question, tearing them a new asshole in rhyme form: (Diss record starts) (Me talking before I start my rap) Me: Yeaah! 2005 yall, with Pete Rock on the Help out! There is this pussy in China who is about to get his cap twisted backwards for talking shit! Drop the beat Pete!! (Then there would be a rhyme where I diss the fuck out of him and threaten to blow his country into little pieces) Obviously politics isn't in my future either.

Great Post, Hilarious and same I would play barely any shit after like 1994 (well some DMX of course and some Big L) but that would be about it the same thing you said '86-'93 (THE GOLDEN AGE ALL DAY EVERYDAY!!)

You'd do well in my ideal political system...I figure if people go into smear tactics their opponent has a right to challenge them to bare knuckles boxing matches or a rumble with any weapon of their choosing.

Great post...As for Me? I could never do a gig at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch. I've seen the documentary series...the tubby, mulleted men, who look like they listen to AC/DC ad nauseum... on the prowl for some "brown sugar" I couldn't fathom having to pretend to enjoy that encounter feigning moans of "fuck yeah, that's great" as he pounded away at my ass... no thanks.

Oh yeah... I wouldn't wanna work at a supermarket neither... what a thankless job. I don't have the temperament for it.

LOL you're crazy as hell. I thought it was just me that didn't enjoy dirty talk. I feel like putting a sign up on my bedroom wall:I'm tryna focus...shut the hell up please. Here are the answers to all your questions.No, you are not my daddy.Yes, I like it.Yes, I did...four times.No, I wouldn't like it if you stuck your finger there.No...not that either.

thank you for almost getting me fired for cheering you on as you commenced to shake the isht out of the ying yang twins - what? you weren't shaking them??? daaaamn, my bad, you were just cussing them out, I was imagining shaking the isht out of them... well whatever, thanks anyway

@ManNMotion: I make my money donating at sperm banks, daily. So if you see a plethora of dreadlocked children, who have a peculiar hatred for Shaq and a undying love for Hip Hop, they probably came from my demonseed.

@Coley: Ok, I would say 2 and a half minutes, especially if you play with your nipples and get me liquored up. That would do the trick.

>>Then I would proceed in taking the entire building hostage as I played Hip Hop from 1986-1993 for days on end, until Clear Channel got fed up and payed a sniper to take my black ass out.>>I could even see myself scrubbing my sex partner with some wet wipes before we started having sex.>>Then I would bring Karl down like a Pee-Wee football tackling drill, beating his ass in front of the likes of Jimmy Cater and Nelson Mandela.

Funny, funny! I just came across your blog for the first time and I think I may love you (too bad I am married!). Here are some jobs I couldn't do and why: