FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

Report: Nazi Treasure Hunters Following More Realistic Retirement Plan Than 86% Of Country

WASHINGTON—Noting that they are far more likely than their peers to have sufficient savings in their later years, a new study released Wednesday by the National Institute on Retirement Security confirmed that Nazi treasure hunters are currently following a more realistic retirement plan than 86 percent of the country. “After surveying over 30,000 expected retirees, we’ve concluded that those investing their time, money, and energy into expeditions to retrieve rumored stores of Nazi gold are better situated for long-term financial security than the vast majority of middle-aged Americans,” said lead author Roger Crowden, explaining that the typical American retirement investment portfolio was less capable of yielding enough income to support the final 20 years of life than a combination of deciphering codes, exploring abandoned tunnel systems, and arranging dives to the bottom of lakes in the Austrian Alps. “Simply put, endlessly pursuing a hidden Nazi fortress rumored to contain a priceless collection of stolen Renaissance art is infinitely preferable to living off the $125 the average American puts aside every month.” The report follows a related study that found exhaustively searching for an ancestral connection to a royal family remains one of the most practical means of funding your child’s college education.