About Last Night: Spurs Get Their Jingle On

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.

Tony Parker hit a jump shot at the buzzer to give the Spurs an 86-84 win over the Thunder in the season opener for both teams. Thunder star James Harden was noticeably quiet on the night, scoring zero points in limited action.

Former Penn State president Graham Spanier was charged with perjury, obstruction, endangering the welfare of children, conspiracy, and failure to report abuse in connection with the Sandusky scandal. “I guess those crazy students will probably gather on my lawn pretty soon and sing my first name to the tune of the infamous bass riff from The White Stripes’ ‘Seven Nation Army,'” said Spanier, glancing longingly out his window.

Faced with mounting criticism after two straight Lakers losses, Kobe Bryant told critics to “shut up” and show some patience with Mike Brown’s new Princeton offense. Brown was thrilled when he heard Bryant’s words, since it meant his star player had already mastered the “entitled rich prick” part of the Princeton system.

Bobcats owner Michael Jordan reiterated that he is committed to the team for the long haul, despite his frustration with their recent struggles. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “HOWEVER, JORDAN WAS NOT ABLE TO NAME THE CITY IN WHICH HIS TEAM PLAYED. SO I’VE BEEN READING SOME COMMENTS ASKING ABOUT PENNY RECENTLY. I WOULD LIKE TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THAT WE MADE CONTACT AGAIN AFTER THE DUEL, AND LET’S JUST SAY SHE WAS VERY INTERESTED. WE MET UP THAT NIGHT AND WERE HAVING A PRETTY GOOD TIME, I COULD TELL SHE WAS DIGGING THE STORY OF HOW I TOTALLY FRIED THE GUY. THEN THINGS GOT HOT AND HEAVY. AFTER THAT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I HAD CONSUMED A LOT OF OIL TO TRY TO TAKE THE NERVES OFF, AND MAYBE THAT’S WHY I I COULDN’T IT WAS HARD TO DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I MEAN. PENNY TRIED TO BE NICE AND SAID THAT IT HAPPENS TO ALL ROBOTS BUT I COULD TELL SHE WAS DISAPPOINTED. BUT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO MEET UP LATER THIS WEEKEND SO MAYBE IT WILL GO BETTER.”

The Pittsburgh Steelers were unable to find a hotel in New York or New Jersey for this weekend’s game against the Giants as result of the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, and will have to travel from Pittsburgh on Sunday. Pennsylvania governor Tom Corbett announced that emergency transportation personnel have already been dispatched to Heinz Field, and relief efforts are under way to help the Steelers cope with the excessive travel. If anyone would like to donate time or money to aid their recovery, they are encouraged to visit PittsburghSteelers.com or contact their local NFL office.

“The Money Team,” a boxing promotional partnership formed between rapper 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather Jr., has officially disbanded. In tweets sent out after the announcement, 50 Cent said that Mayweather never lived up to his end of the financial bargain and had been totally unreliable during the entire business venture. To be fair to 50, there was no possible way for him to see that coming.

The Patriots acquired cornerback Aqib Talib from the Buccaneers in an attempt to shore up their weak secondary. Unfortunately, Boston media outlets reported that Talib caught jaundice, rickets, and scurvy from the other defensive backs within hours of joining the team.

According to BCS officials, Notre Dame is an attractive team destined for a BCS bowl, even if they lose twice between now and the end of the season. You have to wonder, though, how much of that so-called “attractiveness” is just a lingering effect of Charlie Weis leaving the program two years ago.

Sources reported that Cowboys lineman Tyron Smith is facing continued harassment from family members asking for money, even after he filed a protective order against his mother and other relatives last summer. Even more annoying for Smith is a cousin with a clipboard who keeps stopping him in the street to talk about Greenpeace, and an uncle who wears a sandwich board and tries to hand him coupons for a local drugstore.