As you can see, he’s finally learned how to use a door knob, because he managed to open the second door.

Which means the first of the two doors was locked.

Which means the second of the two doors wasn’t locked.

Somebody didn’t do his job right. Because that somebody left one of the doors unlocked. And now, Obama is back in the White House.

A perfectly good opportunity arose to keep him out, and someone dropped the ball. The country could have been saved by someone simply locking another door. Now, we’re back to going to hell in a handbasket.

“The president and I, we’re focused on literally — it sounds like a trite phrase — but literally winning the future.”

Literally winning the future, people. I mean, he said it twice. And since it’s a literal thing he’s doing, I figured I should be able to draw a picture of it. So here’s my drawing of what literally winning the future looks like:

So some people are saying maybe it’s unconstitutional that Obama went to war with Libya without consulting Congress. We still care about that sort of thing? I thought something being constitutional was sort of a vague concept now with no strict definition — like saying something is smurfy. Still, Joe Biden thinks Obama should be impeached over this — though there is a bit of a conflict of interest there since, if it happens, Biden will get a big pay raise out of the deal.

So, what do you think? Should Obama be impeached over this, or are you like me and just assumed the president had the authority to bomb wherever in the Middle East whenever he felt like it?

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

So Tim Pawlenty has announced his candidacy, and the guy is so boring you can hardly read his name without yawning. But I was thinking: Wouldn’t that be a huge advantage against Obama? Obama was supposed to be this exciting candidate who would change everything, and now people know what a crock that would be. So wouldn’t the perfect antidote to that be some super boring candidate with absolutely no cult of personality? The American people are just going to want someone competent in place of Obama, and we pretty much just assume that boring people are competent. And with a boring person, we’re definitely not going to get all our hopes up just to have them crushed as happened for many people with Obama.

So maybe Pawlenty is a really good idea. I probably should read up on him… but it’s just so hard to care, you know?

So it’s pretty controversial that we’re intervening in Libya. Qdaffy is a crazed dictator killing his own people, but does that mean we should intervene in any country with a dictator?

I say yes.

As the defenders of freedom, I don’t know why we haven’t long ago made it official American policy that if you’re a dictator, we will murder you. I used my iPad to make an illustration of this policy idea.

Hi-tech!

If you govern without the consent of the govern, then America is actively plotting your death. Maybe we won’t kill you today, maybe we won’t kill you tomorrow, but we’ll probably kill you Thursday. In the least, if you’re a dictator, know that in the Pentagon we’re working on plans to make you dead. They can even declassify plans as they don’t use them.

“Here’s our plans to make Kim Jong Il swallow a bomb and explode him from the inside, including a CGI simulation of what we think that would look like. We really think it would discredit his rule if he were exploded. And here is a drawing of him being eaten by a t-rex. Unfortunately, that one never got past the cool drawing stage.”

What would be the objections to this? That big powerful America is picking on smaller countries? You can’t pick on dictators; that’s like saying our police forces are picking on thugs and murderers. Dictators are freebies; we can kill all we want, and it’s morally okay. We’re a big powerful country — way more powerful than the dictators out there — so why shouldn’t we do what’s right and awesome? What’s really wrong is for dictators to be out there murdering and generally pushing people around and for them to have it in their head that no one is plotting to kill them. That’s why America needs to announce loud and clear, “If you’re a dictator, we’re after you. And look at this new sniper bullet we made. It enters your head then explodes. That’s right, our snipers are going to explode your head. So either have fair and free elections, or stay away from windows if you don’t want to explode your head over everything.”

Okay; so I’m a neocon. That’s way better than being someone who doesn’t want dictators’ heads exploded.

“…and that’s about all I have to say about March Madness,” President Obama told the press while standing in front of a chart of his March Madness picks.

“I have a question,” one reporter said.

“Would you like me to repeat everything I just said about March Madness?”

“No; the question is about Libya.”

“Oh, well there is not really much to say about that. Qdaffy is a terrible dictator, so we’re going to use military force to take him out.”

“And do you see any hypocrisy after all your opposition to the war in Iraq?”

Obama looked confused. “I didn’t think anyone took that seriously.”

“It was kind of a big deal,” the reporter said. “People criticized Bush endlessly for years and quite vehemently. It was your party’s — and your own — main objection to him. There were huge protests constantly. He was called one of the worst president’s ever because of it, and some on the left even called him a war criminal.”

“Oh. I think I see the confusion.” Obama nodded. “Let me explain it this way: I’m a left-winger, so pretty much everything out of my mouth is just partisan nonsense.”

“Excuse me?”

“I think it’s pretty easy to understand,” Obama continued. “We on the left act like this and that is a big deal, but all we care about our partisan politics. If someone can be identified as being on the other side of us politically, then that person is the devil to us and we will attack him or her with idiotic thing we can think of. And we’ll act like it’s a huge deal, but our objections don’t come from any coherent political philosophy or actual concern for poor or oppressed people. We just don’t like people disagreeing with us and that’s the entirety of what we care about.”

“So none of those countless objections from the left to the war in Iraq was based on any real sentiments?”

“Only our hatred of Bush being a Republican,” Obama explained. “Absolutely everything we acted like was a big deal about Iraq was just nonsense and we didn’t really care about it. We even actually found Abu Ghraib kind of funny. We’re utterly useless people who just like to argue and don’t care about the consequences. It’s completely insane that anyone paid us even the slightest attention when something important like a war was going on. And it’s pretty crazy you elected someone like me to be president when I had clearly demonstrated time and time again that I am a useless partisan idiot with nothing to contribute to society. Did you reporters even look into the community I organized in Chicago? It fell into the sea — and Chicago is hundreds of miles from the sea. That’s how less than useless I am.”

“So… why are you telling us this now?”

“Well, it’s just getting real hard to pretend that Bush did things wrong when I’m basically copying everything he did. I mean, he was a president who actually had some idea what he was doing, so really the best I can do is just try to ape him. It’s a little bit different just because of how spineless I am; for instance, I’m letting France now lead the way on military operations. Still, it’s hard to pretend I’m not ending up in the exact same place as Bush, and I don’t have time both to both spin that and make my picks for my brackets in March Madness.” Obama took another look at his chart. “And they were pretty good picks, huh?”

“Just one more question: So, to be clear, you’re basically denouncing everything the left stands for?”

“Yep. Pretty much. I and everyone else on the left are useless whiny people with no real concern about anyone or anything outside of partisan politics. Everything we say is completely pointless and no one should ever listen to us. Now, if you have anymore questions about Libya, please direct them to the new man I put in charge of it: Ronald Dumsfeld. He’s someone who… Okay, he’s Donald Rumsfeld in a wig; I don’t have time to keep up any subterfuge. Gotta go play some golf!”

I’m watching with interest how people react to the military action that started on March 19th.

I’m sure you’ve seen the news, right? The U.S. is participating in action with other countries in strikes that, truth be told, are simply to remove a bad guy from power.

This dictator came to power decades ago. He’s been a thorn in the side of the west for some time. He’s sponsored terrorism, and he has been killing his own people.

Some in the U.S. are concerned that we don’t have a clearly-defined mission. But here’s the truth of the matter. The president, whether you like his politics or not, decided not to take unilateral action, but to get the U.N. to say that if the dictator doesn’t stop, force will be used.

He didn’t. And now force is being used.

There will be lots of people in the U.S. opposed to this action. Others will support it. At least one Democrat has called for impeachment. And the media don’t really know how to handle all of this.

What will I do? Well, I’ve decided to get in my time machine and go forward eight years. 2003 looks like it will be a rough one. 2011 will have to be better, right? In fact, when I get to 2011, I’ll post these thoughts on the Internet somewhere for people to read. They’ll read what I wrote and think how silly it all was.

This is terrifying: a gang of feral cats the size of dogs is attacking people in Australia.

Ever notice how to domesticate the dog they made it calmer and more social, but to domesticate the cat they made it… smaller. That’s what a house cat is: This thing with weird lizard eyes, sharp teeth, and retractable claws (?!) that’s just too small to kill us. You take one of those and make it the size of a pit bull and suddenly you’ve gone from pet to literal monster. You know what a cat the size of a dog is? It’s a tiger — except without the nice temperament.

Here’s a horror scenario: Suddenly all house cats become the size of dogs. Tell me that wouldn’t be at least ten times worse than a zombie apocalypse.

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