A pot of dreams and a leap of faith

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Two years ago a friend of mine gave me a present of a little pamper saving pot for Christmas and she told me to save for something special. If you know me, you know that my savings skills goes something like this, €10 saved today and €12 withdrawn tomorrow! This pot didn’t have a plug so if I was to withdraw I had to physically smash the pot! Clever friend!! The pot claimed that if you saved only €2 coins you would have in around €1,000 when the pot was full. I broke that pot open this summer and almost fainted – €1,518 came out of it. It was time to book a flight.

For about 15 years now, I have been dreaming of going to Bali. Don’t ask! I have absolutely no idea why!, but it has been the number one place in the world for me to see. Maybe it’s because I read Eat, Pray, Love, maybe it is the romantic in me, I just know Bali has been calling me and I’ve heard the call.

For years I kept a photo of an ornate pillared gate which a friend sent me. Local custom he told me recommends that you take a leap of faith and run through the gates not knowing what is on the other side. I kept the photo and made a promise to myself that one day I would stand between the two gates and have my photograph taken, symbolising that I had indeed taken that leap of faith.

A couple of weeks ago I decided that it probably would be a good idea if I actually knew where it was I was looking to go! With the best intentions I imagine all the hand signals in the world, my unique language dialect and disclosing to locals that I was looking to leap through ornate gate pillars would most certainly lead me into all types of interesting scenarios but miles away from Heavens Gates.

So I asked my trusted friend – Mr. Google. The gates are located in an area of Bali that is home to seven temples and reading up on it sent the adrenaline pumping through my veins. Oooh, yes, I’m definitely going there!! The name of the gates – “Heavens Gates”. I reckoned that was as good an omen as any to start off with. The fact that there is also a place called “Dragonfly Village” became the second good omen.

The funny thing was, FINALLY, the one thing I always wanted to do for so many years was now within my grasp and yet, I delayed booking the flights and paying for my ticket. Why? Because I suddenly got filled with enormous fear and I felt extremely vulnerable. I already mentioned in a previous blog how these emotional issues surfaced energetically for me over the summer, I attributed them mainly to the grieving process but I managed to even surprise myself at just how strong they were in relation to this trip, it was unreal! I couldn’t believe how at every turn I began to manipulate myself from fulfilling a dream. I was in actual fact sabotaging myself with all kinds of pathetic excuses!!

I’d take off at a moment’s notice anywhere around Ireland or England on my own, and I have done so, but Bali was on the other side of the world and I was travelling alone for weeks on the wind, with no prepared plan. I was following a hunch, a gut feeling that the time was right to do this. Yet an internal dialogue led by fear prevented me from booking the ticket. A great friend rang me from abroad and told me as only he can “book the F-ing ticket you could be dead tomorrow”. It was the kick up the ass I needed. The ticket was booked and paid for the following day.

Travelling to Bali has been something I have longed and dreamed of for such a long time and finally when I was able to realise it and bring it into fruition, fear of actually doing it was preventing me from living it out and ticking another item off my bucket list. How stupid was that?!!! How cunning and manipulative was I being!

When I became aware of this, I got to wondering, how many other occasions in my life have I not lived or experienced situations / experiences / moments, because of FEAR? Irrational fear at that! It was a sobering conversation with myself and my ego got a major denting. Being truthful, there were quite a few occasion’s that I could remember over the years.

However, this summer, I learnt to sit with my fear, with the help of my great guru and diamond treasure of a friend. It wasn’t pleasant and I was grateful for his support throughout the experience. Working my way through the energy I managed to suck every ounce of energy out of a room, shut down, and revert to sullen child, became stubbornly mute and refused to discuss what I was feeling, which was anxiety and downright panic. The fear immobilized me and it was amazing to observe from an energy stance how it unfolded over the period of a couple of weeks. All our adult behaviors are direct results of experiences in our childhood, be they good or bad.

Working with the energy I was allowed to see a situation in my early years where I literally had the fear of God put into me by an innocent situation from an adult perspective but when viewed from the perspective of a child took on a completely different vibe. Allowing myself to feel this, acknowledge it and experience the energy at that time which I had stored for years within my body, allowed me to free and cleanse my energy field with enormous positive changes occurring on a weekly basis since. Truthfully, it has all been surprisingly blissful and mind blowing!

This is not something that is unique to me, so my question to you is this. What are you afraid of? What fears hold you rooted in the same spot, wishing, longing and dreaming of a better way or situation? What are your vulnerabilities and are they justified or are they irrational fear based mind stuff like mine were? Can you face that fear? Step out of the comfort zone? It can happen, take it one step at a time.

Today I am stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a leap into the unknown, not through the ornate stone gates of Heaven Gates but through the Departure gates at Shannon.

Even in the highs of excitement curve balls still get thrown. Others energy still affect us, just yesterday, my excitement levels reached summit highs and then crushing lows as I felt my world crumble under personal events. Doubts set in regarding travelling. My mind whispered, this was a sign, I am not meant to travel. Questions arose, should I go? Should I stay? FEAR …. It feels like a vice, slowing griping my heart tight, pressure filled and heavy laden. This energy is quiet difficult to shake off and if left unchecked can easily turn into a fear frenzy as I learnt weeks back. Yet the fact of the matter remains, if I stay or if I go is irrelevant. I cannot change certain circumstances or events. What is relevant is that life unfolds as life is meant to unfold. The difference is the experience and what we allow ourselves to feel and experience in the now. I know that if I do not go, I will forever regret the decision. So, like an elephant I am charging forward into the unknown. Time will tell what unfolds.

Life reminded me within the last twelve months and yet again yesterday that it is so precious. We are all only on borrowed time. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. You can either live today as an adventure or just endure it as existence. I chose adventure.

I love the saying… “Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, “holy shit, what a ride…”