Flowerpot is a freelance journalist, author and walker who lives in Cornwall. My first book of walks, Discover Cornwall, was published by Sigma Press July 2012. Circular Walks with Cornish Writers was published in August 2015 and Walks in the Footsteps of Poldark was published in July 2016.

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Courage

Before my book was published, one of my best mates said, “I hope fame won’t change you.” I think we both thought I might get too big for my boots. What neither of us had anticipated was that it has actually taken a crowbar to my confidence. I’m having to pick up the tumbled ego bricks and replace them, one by one. Fill in the cracks with cement that I thought would withstand harder knocks. And then it occurred to me that this isn’t about Discover Cornwall, which I am very proud of - especially after Emma's fabulous review, see right.

This is about my mum, whose body has, over the last few months, disintegrated. She is in constant pain and admitted that, without us (offspring), she would have given up. She is no longer my mum, but a frightened, frail old lady who’s lost her confidence.

I’m fortunate in having two brothers who have been fabulous, and Mum’s illness has at least brought us closer together. But it’s that much more difficult being on my own. I confess I’ve felt emotionally drained recently, even sorry for myself, which is something I try never to do. I’ve cried more in the last few weeks than I have done for years, and my sense of humour has gone on strike.

I watched Victoria Pendleton’s last race yesterday, bawling my eyes out. She is someone I admire immensely – she has worked so hard to get where she is, risking her own career when she fell in love with her coach, and his. But she followed her heart, listened to her instincts, and can now retire – at the top - with an amazing career behind her. And a new life ahead of her.

I looked at her and my heart swelled. What courage, and what an inspiration. She made me think that yes, life is tough, but there are the good bits and they always counterbalance the really difficult bits.

Yesterday I remembered how I felt when I first became a journalist. I couldn’t sleep, and lost weight, worrying about my workload, whether my writing was good enough – all that stuff. My dear husband said, “It’s only work for god’s sake,” – he couldn’t understand my anxieties which made me feel even more alone and useless.

But after a while it settled down. My sense of humour re-emerged, like a myopic mole from a tunnel, blinking and saying, “thank god that’s over.” We all go through times in our life that are incredibly stressful and it takes a while to work out how to deal with it. If nothing else, it’s teaching me that we are all more fragile than we think. And at the same time, stronger.

In my case, I need to grab my courage by the scruff of its neck, entice my sense of humour out of hiding. Yesterday I wrote a ridiculous invoice to a friend which cheered me no end. I went and wept all over another friend and then listened to her problems. Which reminded me how important love and laughter is.

And on that note, think of me in Falmouth Carnival on Saturday, marching along dressed as the Fat Controller (or Thin Controller in my case) with two floats – Thomas the Tank Engine and the Titanic. A little silliness is essential in life. A lot of silliness is even better.

15 comments:

Its very difficult isn't it being 'creative'. You somehow get your hopes up then some imbecile makes an offhand comment and you feel rubbish. I think also, other than the sad situation with your mum which would try anyone, you are still vulnerable to your loss of Pip. It is still early days, all you can do is go with the flow and know (and believe) that like a Pooh stick thrown one side of a bridge, you and it will emerge the other side. Everyone gets stuck in the 'weedy' part of life, just keep treading water and you'll move again. If I'm talking twaddle, just ignore me!

I can empathise, as my 89-year-old mum is showing her age and frailty too. She has scoliosis and bad arthritis in her joints so can barely hobble around at home and never ventures out of the house. Like you, I have also lost my partner. Sometimes it all seems an uphill struggle and at others I'm amazed how well I am coping.

Try to take one day at a time. We can't perform miracles all of the time. Lots of hugs. x

Walks in the Footsteps of Cornish Writers

Discover Cornwall

Order both books now!

Reviews

"Sue’s clear yet engaging writing style, the evocative descriptions and photographs mean Discover Cornwall will appeal not only to walkers but to readers as well. I thoroughly enjoyed this book, not only because it make me want to rush out and try some new walks, but because I realised it would make the perfect gift for the many people I know who enjoy walking in Cornwall."

About Me

I am a freelance journalist with a Diploma with Distinction for Freelance and Feature Writing from the London School of Journalism. I have been a regular contributor to Cornwall Today (Regional Magazine of the Year, 2009) since 2008 writing regular walks, features, antique pieces, health, business and humour. I have also written for Nursing Standard, write regular author interviews for Writers' Forum, including Bill Bryson, Ian Rankin, John O'Farrell and Patrick Gale. In addition I have written several novels, one of which is being read by an agent as I write.
My first book of Cornish walks is published by Sigma in June 2012, with another book planned for 2013.
I am also a seaside landlady, getting used to life without my lovely husband who died at the end of 2010. I live in Cornwall with my scruffy canine Mollie and a bruiser of a tom cat, Buster.