Saturday 3 December 2011 16.25 EST
First published on Saturday 3 December 2011 16.25 EST

Good evening, and welcome to tonight's X Factor liveblog. I hope you like tension, because the next few hours are going to be rammed with the stuff. It's semi-final night, which means that the contestants have never been closer to seeing their dream come true. That's provided that their dream involves singing a soggy duet with a bored-looking popstar and then never releasing anything of worth again. And, since they're on X Factor, that's probably quite likely.

Our four plucky semi-finalists will be performing two songs each again tonight - one Motown classic (or a song that sounds a bit Motowny, or a song written by someone called Mo, or a song recorded in a town) and a Song To Get Me To The Final, which is usually code for The Most Painfully Overwrought Ballad I Think I Can Get Away With Shrieking At The Top Of My Poxy Voice. So that'll be fun. In other news: if you have booze, you should probably start drinking it now.

It's the same routine as always tonight - I'll be up here liveblogging away like some sort of lonely spinster while you lot have a party in the comments. When it's over, we'll be one step closer to knowing who the X Factor winner will be, and two steps closer to not caring. If we're all agreed, I'll see you back here at 8pm.

7.41pm: Before we start - and apologies in advance for some epic bumlicking - I was on the radio this morning talking about the liveblog, and I was singing the praises of you lot something rotten. It's a couple of hours in. Don't listen to it now, though. You have several witless cover versions of overused Motown songs to awkwardly sit though.

7.51pm: Also, I feel that it's my duty to inform you all to make the most of this weekend. Tonight and tomorrow will only run to a total of two and a half hours. But next weekend, we're going to be hammered around the temple with four full hours of the stuff. Four hours. I fear for all of us, frankly.

8.00pm: IT'S TIME! TO MISPLACE! THE MUSIC!

8.03pm: Here we go, kicking things off with Dermot's Hopeless Shuffle as always - this week complete with harrowing bottom-wiggle. I don't know about you, but I can't tell which will come first - Dermot O'Leary completing his last dance of the series next week, or Dermot O'Leary bursting into flames at the sheer humiliation of this. It could go either way at this point.

8.05pm: Who wants to meet the judges? You do? How awfully convenient:

LOUIS - Gripped by a zen-like serenity this week. That or he still doesn't know what's going on. My money's on the latter.

TULISA - Still showing off her tattoo this week, despite fears that she's advertising her perfume. However, she does keep mouthing 'Buy my perfume' and miming that she's drinking a bottle of perfume as well. That's weird.

KELLY - Oh, look, she's wearing a dress. What more do you people want?

8.07pm: First up is Misha B. And we should probably face facts and admit that she'll never win X Factor. Her heart wants her to dress up all crazy and do that funny little rap-laugh thing of hers, but her public doesn't. And Misha should follow her heart. Either her heart or her hairy unicorn horn. She should follow one of those.

In the VT, Misha expresses delight that the X Factor charity song was number one in the midweeks, and celebrates by visiting some disadvantaged children. She doesn't even bully any of them. This girl means business.

8.09pm: Yes, look, Misha's doing Dancing In The Street, which is a terrible song choice for her. But let's look on the bright side - at least she's not singing this next week. If she was, it might have been a duet with Mick Jagger.

It looks like Misha's been taking notes from Marcus this week. She's walking from one end of the stage accompanied by millions of dancers, and she keeps whooping like she's being jabbed with a cattle prod. Misha's confident and assured - despite wearing a thousand broken iPhones instead of a dress - but that song was a right old muddle.

8.10pm: Tulisa says that Misha's performance will get her through to the final. So that's Misha gone tomorrow, then.

8.11pm: Oh, Misha's dress is actually made from old records. For younger readers, they're what people used to have before iPhones.

8.14pm: There's just been a quick insert asking for contestants to compete in next year's X Factor. Which means that there's definitely going to be an X Factor next year. So, just to get this out of the way: if any of my friends are reading, no, I can't go outside between October and December next year. Sorry.

8.16pm: While the adverts are on, it's been brought to my attention that Kelly Rowland has a roving beauty spot that keeps appearing and disappearing across her face all willy-nilly. I think we should all start tracking this, for Kelly's sake. We owe her that much, at least.

8.18pm: Next up: Kelly Rowland (no spot) announces Amelia Lily. She might not have the momentum to win X Factor after her lengthy hiatus, but Amelia can certainly sing with her feet splayed wider than anybody else. In its own way, isn't that just as useful?

In her VT, Amelia Lily wears some leopard ears for no reason and Kelly Rowland (spot) says that she has it in her to ace this week.

8.20pm: Amelia's doing Ain't No Mountain High Enough, possibly because her new tactic is to bore the audience into a coma and win by default.

She's going for this change of direction in a big way, though - complete with period dress and hair, and a vast multi-level plinth that surely must have eaten the episode's plinth budget single-handedly. Plus she's virtually doing the splits, her stance is so wide. Oh, Amelia wants this too.

8.21pm: Louis Walsh is playing a blinder tonight. He isn't even trying any more. He's literally just saying exactly the same thing to each of the contestants. Louis Walsh is punk rock.

8.23pm: I think I've noticed what happened to Kelly Rowland's beauty spot tonight. It's somehow managed to leap off Kelly's face and attach itself under Amelia's eye. This is worse than we though. It's airborne.

8.25pm: Now for Little Mix. They're stronger than ever going into the X Factor semi-final. It turns out that acting like everygirls and playing up to their insecurities was a masterstroke. Maybe tonight they'll complain about boys or muffin tops or that bitch who works on till two at Miss Selfridge. They'll waltz it if they do.

This week, Little Mix went to the Hugo premiere and expressed surprise that people were taking their photo just because they stood in the middle of the red carpet with their hands on their hips right in front of a pack of photographers. I mean, is that crazy or what?! Little Mix are LOL city.

8.27pm: Ever pandering to their audience of insecure teenage girls, Little Mix are doing You Keep Me Hanging On, which is basically Aren't Boys Crap (SISTAHZ!). But, like Amelia before them, they're dressed and plinthed to the absolute nines. And their plinth lights up like an airport runway. I'm calling it: Little Mix are going to win X Factor.

Obviously I wrote that before one of Little Mix stopped the music and said "Vere ain't nuffingk you can do abahtit" in her own speaking voice. Now I think Little Mix will come last. That's how fickle I am.

8.30pm: Oh dear, the judges don't seem to have enjoyed Little Mix's performance. Louis slates them. Kelly slates them. Gary tries a weird divide and conquer tactic that falls a bit short. But at least Tulisa stands up for them, even though she doesn't know the song, or who The Supremes were, or what Motown is, or has a real grasp of the concept of music itself. Still, it's the thought that counts.

8.32pm: And with that, it's off for some more adverts. The competition this week is the same as the competition last week, except that you get to go on holiday with JLS instead of Olly Murs. This means that next year the prize will be a holiday with one of this year's finalists. I'll just verbalise this on behalf of the entire country now: dear god, please don't let it be Kitty Brucknell.

8.36pm: In a clever move, ITV are airing an advert for Ed Sheeran's album. It's a nice reminder for disenfranchised viewers - this year's X Factor might be terrible, but at least none of them are Ed Sheeran.

8.38pm: Last to murder a Motown song tonight is Marcus "Woo! Come on! Here we go!" The Terrible Postman's. I'm pleased that X Factor ends soon, because Marcus "Woo! Come on! Here we go!" The Terrible Postman's name is getting too long to be practical any more. Just typing 'Marcus "Woo! Come on! Here we go!" The Terrible Postman' takes forever. He'd better not add any new facets to his personality tonight, or I'll be right narked off.

Oh, this week Marcus was given by advice by a melting waxwork of Robbie Williams. That must have been nice.

8.41pm: Marcus has run every Motown record through a computer to determine which one has the most space for all of his mindless whooping, and the result was My Girl. The upside to this is that it's reminded me of that film where some bees murdered Macauley Culkin. The downside is that this is AWFUL.

He's been plinthed, for starters, which makes it hard for him to run up and down the stage accompanied by millions of dancers. And he's only whooped once or twice, which leads me to believe that his heart's not in it. I mean, sure, he's probably singing this better than anyone else left in the competition is capable of, but since when has X Factor been a singing contest?

8.42pm: Tulisa just said that Marcus 'pulled it off'. I only hope that she was referring to that giant beauty spot of Kelly's that's starting to devour Amelia's face. Someone needs to pull that thing off. What if it breeds?

8.44pm: This is the halfway point. From now on, the acts will be singing songs that they think will get them through to the final. And then in the final itself, they'll be singing songs that they think will get them one vaguely successful single and then nothing else. That's how the rest of this series is going to go.

8.46pm: Oh good. The Marks And Spencer advert is on. Let's see how it's been edited today.

8.48pm: Well, I wasn't expecting that. This week, the advert has been edited in such a way to suggest that X Factor is backing Kelly Rowland's airborne beauty spot, since it got to sing the crucial last line.

8.51pm: And we're back with Misha B. In her VT, Misha thinks back on her life. Her pre-show life. Her bootcamp experience. Meeting Jennifer Hudson at Kelly Rowland's house. Getting accused of being a bully. Coming within an inch of being eliminated week after week. Oh, the memories.

8.53pm: Misha, who appears to be farting smoke in a last ditch effort to win the public over, is doing Perfect by Pink, presumably because nobody has every written a song called Jesus Christ I Told You About Six Weeks Ago That I Wasn't A Bully (Why Won't You People Listen?).

It's basically a sing-off song that she's decided to perform because there isn't a sing-off tomorrow and she had it ready and everything. And, like all of Misha's sing-off songs, it was a boring little ballad that reeks of playing it safe.

8.56pm: Tulisa said that Misha connected with the song, and that the audience connected with the song, and that Misha connected with the audience. I don't think I fully understand what she means, but it sounds like someone needs to get some scissors out and try to separate them all.

8.58pm: And now for Amelia Lily. Before X Factor she says that she'd never even been away from home on her own, but she's grown up faster than she could have ever expected. I think this was a coded reference to how much make-up she wears. I'm really not certain.

9.01pm: Amelia's song to get her into the final is I'm With You by Avril Lavigne; the first time an Avril Lavigne song has been used to get into a final since the 2006 Dreariest Song In The Universe competition.

You can tell that Amelia means every word of this song, because she keeps grabbing at the air in slow motion like Zuul from Ghostbusters. And also, she appears to be performing in front of a giant beauty spot. If I go quiet in a minute, it's probably because a beauty spot has crawled out of my TV, Ringu-style, and tried to eat my face.

9.05pm: I'm not saying that Star Wars has over-licenced itself, but there was just a commercial for the Blu-Ray boxset and I spent about 20 seconds thinking that it was actually an advert for PC World.

9.08pm: Now for Marcus again. Even Gary Barlow has started calling him 'Marcus Collins Come On' now. His full name is actually Marcus "Woo! Come on! Here we go!" The Terrible Postman, but full marks to Gary Barlow for trying to join in.

9.11pm: Marcus is doing Can You Feel It, and already I'm worried. In a desperate attempt to hobble him, the other judges have plonked him into some sort of suspended plinth, making him unable to run backwards and forwards a lot. Luckily, Marcus has a plan B up his sleeve - whooping after almost every single bloody line of his song.

Eventually his plinth descends, and Marcus tries to run around, but he can't. He's locked into whoop mode, and his performance turns into a weird impression of a reversing lorry. That was a disappointment. The other judges have won.

9.14pm: After the performance, Marcus says that the song's baseline touched him, and Louis Walsh pulls a face like someone's grandmother eating a lemon. Not sure what that was about.

9.15pm: Only one song left and we're in the final. By which I mean that there's one song left, and then a largely superfluous hour tomorrow, and then a two-hour pre-final next Saturday and then it's the final. Same thing, really.

9.17pm: Why are there so many adverts for The King's Speech all of a sudden? Is it 2010 again? Has Kelly Rowland's beauty spot EATEN THROUGH TIME? Oh christ, I knew this would happen.

9.19pm: Bringing this atrocity to an end is Little Mix. They spend the VT discussing what they were doing this time last year. Tellingly, none of them say that they were watching X Factor. These girls have class. I hope they win.

9.22pm: To get to the final, Little Mix are doing If I Were A Boy, which is basically Boys, Eh? Cuh (SISTAHZ!). Unfortunately, the song requires a low register that none of the girls can quite reach without sounding like the ghost of a buffalo teetering on the end of a cliff. Even the plinthmakers have abandoned Little Mix for this one. They can't be associated with a mess like this. I hope Little Mix come last.

9.24pm: Little Mix get a standing ovation from Tulisa. At least it was either a standing ovation or Tulisa was trying to block Little Mix's terrible soundwaves from hitting the studio audience and exploding their central nervous systems. She's really thrown herself on a grenade, that one.

9.25pm: And there we have it. While Dermot O'Leary wastes his precious breath by reeling off hundreds of numbers in a never-ending row, allow me to thank you all for reading and commenting. You've been typically wonderful, and I want you all to write in my yearbook when this is over. If you'd like to follow me on Twitter, I'm @StuHeritage, and if not I'll see you back here tomorrow at 8pm, when we're promised a performance by Justin Bieber. I can hardly wait. Sleep well, and please don't be attacked by any rogue beauty spots.