I really would love some Catholic advice on this dilemma of the heart…

Two months ago, an ex added me on facebook. We had not spoken in two years. Our relationship had been brief but intense, with a mutually strong connection (unlike any other), but with him holding a barrier towards deeper intimacy. The relationship ended with him saying that he could never see us getting married (odd, because that was not what I was after at that point!), yet he still clearly cared about me. His actions seemed to contradict his words (in my own opinion and in those of our mutual friends). BTW, he’s Jewish, early 30s but not a believer.

So I was shocked to hear from him now, but I eventually accepted the friend request and sent him a polite email saying that I was surprised to hear from him, good to see him doing well, and to drop me a line.

No response. Nothing, not a word 2 months later. And he’s still using his facebook (I’ve seen updates).

My question: Do I delete him? My friends say no. They see this as a control issue, for him to see if he can still keep me “around”, and to delete him would show him that he has gotten to me, thus feeding his ego.

I see what they mean but I still think that him giving someone NO RESPONSE to an email after he sought ME out is just plain rude and weird! I don’t really care for him to have access to my life!

I know he had his insecurities, and I remember him being deeply wounded and searching for more, so did God bring him back into my life for a reason? Do I leave him there? Or do I delete him and move on with my life? Maybe God was just showing me that he hadn’t changed.

He friended you, but doesn’t want to talk? Sounds like he just wanted to see your profile. I woudln’t over think this - if you don’t want him to see your page, delete him. Also, if you haven’t already, make sure your privacy settings are set so only “friends” can view your profile and photo albums. Not because of him necessarily, but it’s just a smart thing to do.

But are there more serious psychological issues that could be triggered by reconnecting with old friends or flames? Should the ghosts of the past remain just that? Over a lifetime it’s normal to lose touch with people as interests and circumstances change, but Facebook alters the natural ebb and flow of friendship. “Renewing old ties in this way can feel false,” says Andrew G. Marshall, a marital therapist and the author of I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You (Bloomsbury, £8.99).

“Generally people have just a handful of really close friends. If you feel the need to get in touch with someone from the past, you have to ask yourself why you do. It could be indicative of a problem or unhappiness in your current self and, therefore, a desire to reconnect with a younger one. But once people realise this is not a solution, they’ll leave and try to solve them another way,” Marshall says.

Hodson agrees. “The idea of renewing old friendships is appealing but it doesn’t come without difficulties and dangers. You may still be lusting after the girl in 3B, but is she lusting after you? If you were bullied at school and suddenly the bully asks to be your “friend”, all those bad feelings and insecurities you felt as a ten-year-old could come flooding back,” he says.

Patricia Rogers, a counsellor and fellow of the BACP, even worries that the feelings that lead to “Facebook suicide” [meaning deactivating your Facebook account] could trigger the loneliness and lack of self-esteem felt by people who really do take their own lives.

“It could be incredibly damaging for the ego to realise that you haven’t got as many friends as you thought you had, or that those friends aren’t particularly meaningful,” she says.

“Comparing yourself with others, a big preoccupation on sites such as Facebook, can be damaging psychologically so, as a precaution, I think that people who leave should be carefully monitored, or at least checked up on, and then referred to counselling resources if necessary.”

Social networking websites such as Facebook and MySpace encourage teenagers to build “transient relationships” that can leave them traumatised and even suicidal when they collapse, the head of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales warned today.

The archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols, also expressed concern about the rise of individualism in society.

Yeah, I think everyone who uses facebook has gone through something similar, not necessarily with an ex but with anybody, haha. AND with the new updated Facebook, it’s a little irritating knowing every single status update from people you barely know/haven’t seen in a while presented on your front page. I don’t need to know what they’re having for dinner or that they’re currently using the bathroom, LOL.

*If you are over him, and don’t want anymore contact–delete him. I wouldn’t read into it, really…if you don’t want to be reminded of the past with him, another reason to delete him.

I think facebook is a great way to stay in touch with people whom you WANT TO stay in touch with…but, if you really don’t want to have exchanges, even infrequent ones, with this guy–I say delete him. If it causes you angst…in ANY WAY…delete him. Not worth any negative energy that it might produce, and it sounds like it is.

The problem is that when I saw his profile, it brought back a lot of feelings. But I was not unrealistic about where things might go - we still have our differences but we had such a strong connection that it’s a pity that we can’t be friends. Wish we had just kept it that way from the beginning!

But alas, I suppose I have my own problems letting go. A part of me *wants *him to see how well I’m doing, haha! But we’re clearly both still single. And he’s one of these people with over 600 friends. Insecure much? It sounds similar to that article posted above.

I don’t want to gratify his ego, since he has legions of females chiming in about how great he is… it’s annoying, and I think part of his attraction to me is that I was never the fawning type. Urg, still can’t decide…

If I were in that position: on the one hand, I would want to delete him because he’s clearly added you for reasons other than communication (and what’s the point then?). On the other hand, I would really be curious to hear his defence for adding you, asking “Well, you added me on facebook, is there some reason for that?”

And one more caveat: as a young man (early 20s) I should say that people my age and younger just add everyone they know or ever knew regardless of relationship status: just a little game of collection really. I don’t know if this is usual for someone in there early 30s. What seems unusual is the lack of reply.

If your curiosity is sufficiently sated, just delete him. No need for that kind of blast from the past if there’s no good reason for it.

The problem is that when I saw his profile, it brought back a lot of feelings. But I was not unrealistic about where things might go - we still have our differences but we had such a strong connection that it’s a pity that we can’t be friends. Wish we had just kept it that way from the beginning!

But alas, I suppose I have my own problems letting go. A part of me *wants *him to see how well I’m doing, haha! But we’re clearly both still single. And he’s one of these people with over 600 friends. Insecure much? It sounds similar to that article posted above.

I don’t want to gratify his ego, since he has legions of females chiming in about how great he is… it’s annoying, and I think part of his attraction to me is that I was never the fawning type. Urg, still can’t decide…

From personal experience, if seeing his profile brought back lots of feelings and you do not want to deal with those feelings anymore - delete him. I had fell really hard for a guy, we were friends on myspace & facebook. I deleted my myspace, but it took me a long time before I unfriended him on fb. A few days of not being able to spy on his page was annoying, but it was a big step towards closure. Think about it - you wouldn’t be talking to him every day, calling him on the phone, texting him and seeing what he and his friends were doing in real life would you? Fb enables you to do all that only online and annonymously. That’s a dangerous way to rethink old decisions and drive oneself nuts! If you want the relationship to be over and you guys can’t just be friends, then start the end and delete him.

The problem is that when I saw his profile, it brought back a lot of feelings. But I was not unrealistic about where things might go - we still have our differences but we had such a strong connection that it’s a pity that we can’t be friends. Wish we had just kept it that way from the beginning!

But alas, I suppose I have my own problems letting go. A part of me *wants *him to see how well I’m doing, haha! But we’re clearly both still single. And he’s one of these people with over 600 friends. Insecure much? It sounds similar to that article posted above.

I don’t want to gratify his ego, since he has legions of females chiming in about how great he is… it’s annoying, and I think part of his attraction to me is that I was never the fawning type. Urg, still can’t decide…

He may be doing great, he may not be. He may not go to facebook much, I actually don’t visit my page all too often, to be honest. I think the best way to gauge something like this is…if it causes YOU to feel angst, or expound negative energy of any sort, then it’s best to delete him. You might also need to heal from the relationship. I have had a few ex’s (from before I dated my husband) contact me via facebook, and I have not friended them…not because they bring negative energy, I just don’t have a desire to begin dialogue with someone I dated 20+ years ago. But, this might still be fresh in your mind, and for that, it might be better to delete him, so you are not tapping into those old feelings again.

Don’t lose sleep over him… If you want to keep him as a friend, just try to heal, and let it go from your mind. If it causes you undue anxiety, delete him then. When we are focused on people who don’t edify our lives in any way…it closes us to what God might have in store for us. I learned that a long time ago, and I no longer ‘waste’ precious time on this earth, letting myself get anxious over what the motives of this or that one are. Just my two cents.
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The problem is that when I saw his profile, it brought back a lot of feelings. But I was not unrealistic about where things might go - we still have our differences but we had such a strong connection that it’s a pity that we can’t be friends. Wish we had just kept it that way from the beginning!

But alas, I suppose I have my own problems letting go. A part of me *wants *him to see how well I’m doing, haha! But we’re clearly both still single. And he’s one of these people with over 600 friends. Insecure much? It sounds similar to that article posted above.

I don’t want to gratify his ego, since he has legions of females chiming in about how great he is… it’s annoying, and I think part of his attraction to me is that I was never the fawning type. Urg, still can’t decide…

If he is one of those people with over 600 friends, chances are good that he won’t even notice that you delete him from your friends list. FB does not send the deleted friend any notification whatsoever that they have been deleted. The only way he would know is if he decided to go and look at your profile only to find that he no longer could.

And even then, he would not necessarily assume you had deleted him. I’ve had at least 3 FB friends drop off of my friends list for a period of time only to reappear a short time later because of issues with FB. So he might just think you’re having computer issues.

It is rather odd that he didn’t respond to your message since he reached out to you. Perhaps EmBee is right, he just wanted to see your profile (perhaps to see what your “relationship status” was). :shrug:

Thanks again for the insights. Yes, it did bring back feelings initially. Then it reminded me of what I didn’t like about him too! i.e. his apparent pride.

I did go a good few weeks without checking his page. Then I looked again when I got bored. I have been casually seeing other people during all this. It’s only that right now, I’m partially unemployed until September and so I have extra time on my hands. When I’m happy and busy, I don’t give it a second thought! I just don’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking that he has affected me in the way he has. Perhaps that is my own pride that I need to work out.

So a part of me wants to let him have the access if that was what he was looking for - what do I have to hide?! Another part of me was angry at him for being an inconsiderate tool. I think I just need to get busy in my own life. You’re right, whatevergirl.

One thing I’ve noticed with Facebook is a lot of people are simply collecting “friends” to show they have quite a few “friends” and to, as they say in sales, “get their numbers up.”

Also, I’ve noticed that people don’t know how to respond. For example, I put up a post saying that I was making gluten free pizza. A “friend” responded with a request for my recipe. So I took the time to get it out to her. Did she even respond and say thank you? No. There’s just a general lack of politeness in our society.

Out of respect for my current relationship, I don’t have any ex boyfriends on my friends list on Facebook. Infact, I’ve been thinking of culling the herd.

Also, keep in mind that people simply use Facebook as a way to network and have a way to contact someone should they need to. I have a couple of people on Facebook like that. It may be like that for your ex.

I wouldn’t worry about it too much. If you’re not bothered, just “hide” him and move on. If it bothers you, delete him. BTW, it is not impolite to ignore a friend request. I do that all the time. I’m not collecting people on my Facebook profile so I don’t need to have someon friended simply because they were the hair dresser to my ex boss’ poodle.

He is far too socially aware to have forgotten to reply and I believe that he has deliberately avoided doing so. If there was nothing to it, he would have at least said, hey! long time…, or politely responded somehow. Plus he’s had my email - he has a way to get in touch with me if he wanted. I think EmBee is right that he just wanted to look at my profile. Good. i look good, hahaha!

I tend to agree with the advice that you should stop worrying over it. Just stop thinking about it and do what you really want to do, i.e. delete him if that’s the right thing to do in your opinion, or keep him if you believe that’s going to be saner to do. The last thing you need to do is think about him.

Ok… well I made myself busy today, and said some prayers, and decided that’s the best way to deal with it… now. There’s a part of me that’s not letting go… not thinking about it, but just not closing it completely, yet. So I’ll use it as an opportunity to try to grow spiritually stronger and depend on God when things don’t make sense.
I’m resolving to stay occupied (it’s been a sloooooooooow week) and stay consistent with my prayers so that I won’t dwell on it! Thanks so much for all of your input. It’s been received… and I may be pushing that “remove” button sooner than I think!

Seems like maybe he added you to see what you’re up to (single??? etc).

Did you email him through facebook, or through the actually email address? For me, I have an old email address on my facebook that I haven’t bothered updating yet… maybe it is a situation like that?

If you did send him a message on facebook, and he didnt write back, I wouldn’t bother keeping him as a friend on there. Some people just like to have the high numbers of friends on those things and not care much about maintaining friendships.