My ex-wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in January, 2013. She called me and I chose to go out to see her (she had moved away). We'd been divorced over five years.

I offered to let her stay with me while she received cancer treatment. The medical facilities near my home are much better than those where she had moved. She suffered through two horrific surgeries and a failed attempt at chemotherapy. I cared for her the entire time, treated her wounds, cooked her meals, did everything in my power (to be best of my belief) to attempt to help her survive this.

Now they're suggesting hospice. She's currently staying in assisted living (a nursing home).

I've been pretty much a complete and utter emotional wreck through all of this. I'd estimate I've spent 300 - 400 hours in various hospitals over the past 6 months. In addition to this, I (of course) still work full-time in a professional technical field. Some days I had to go for a walk around outside to cry. I just couldn't compose myself. While our marriage was difficult, I surely never wanted her to suffer, certainly not like this. There are no mere words that can adequately convey the true horror of colorectal cancer.

Now she wants to come "home" to die.

We had a big fight about this last night. I battled like heck to get her transferred out of a terrible rehabilitation hospital and into a nice one. She has a nice, sunny room. The meals are adequate. The nursing staff is (in general) attentive and competent. I just can't come to grips with having to care for her 24/7 in her last days. The enormity of the task overwhelms me. I've cleaned up an ocean of vomit and a mountain of stool. I've washed soiled bed linens and mopped soiled bathroom floors. I feel like I have been completely "used up" as a caregiver.

Where does my responsibility end? Do I have any right to self-preservation? I feel like a piece of human garbage for not wanting her to come back to my place again.

She is your ex wife, your divorced, your no longer accountable for her. All this is doing is wearing you down as well as harming you emotionally and physically. Get off the KISS syndrome and look after yourself. (Should have typed KISA)

You can show empathy, sympathy, pray for her if you so wish but your not there to catch her when she falls. She knew this when you divorced.

She has two sisters, neither of whom seem to particularly care about her. They're more than happy to allow me to bear the burden while they go on with their lives.

Granted, it's my fault for have offering to let her stay with me. The deal was supposed to be that she could stay "until she got on her feet" and then move back home. I never volunteered for home hospice care.

I feel terrible about what's happening to her. That being said, I'm also intelligent enough to know there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable. It's like her final great act of revenge against me (for whatever perceived marital transgressions). I should probably mention that she's been clinically diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder / Borderline Personality Disorder.

She's a wonderful person.

But it's been 21 years (15 married, 5 divorced, and now) of pure living hell.

She has two sisters, neither of whom seem to particularly care about her. They're more than happy to allow me to bear the burden while they go on with their lives.

Granted, it's my fault for have offering to let her stay with me. The deal was supposed to be that she could stay "until she got on her feet" and then move back home. I never volunteered for home hospice care.

I feel terrible about what's happening to her. That being said, I'm also intelligent enough to know there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable. It's like her final great act of revenge against me (for whatever perceived marital transgressions). I should probably mention that she's been clinically diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder / Borderline Personality Disorder.

She's a wonderful person.

But it's been 21 years (15 married, 5 divorced, and now) of pure living hell.

The bolded words tell it all. Pack her bags and move her out. She is not your problem , she made choices she lives by them.

Having a kind heart does not mean your accountable for other peoples problems particularly as in your case an ex.

I'm so sorry for your ex wife's condition, but this is not your problem to deal with anymore. This definitely one of the most difficult issues having to deal with.

If you don't want to care for her, then tell her that you "both" chose to divorce. She needs to accept the fact that she's no longer married to you and live on the best she can through other support.

You are one truly honorable man letting her stay and helping her through her treatments. My husbands the same way. I had a life changing health event that changed my life 5 years ago. My husband has stood by my side the entire time and always will.

Good luck getting this through to her. It does sound like you both still care very much for each other.

I guess the fundamental issue I'm dealing with is do I accept or deny the wishes of a dying person. Her illness is indeed terminal, estimates have been anywhere from two months to five months remaining. With the failed chemotherapy it seems like two months is most realistic.

I wrestle with thoughts of "being selfish" and wanting to run away from all of this, only to leave her dying alone and unloved. I struggle to resolve whether I can bear the guilt of these feelings or whether they in themselves will destroy me. Or whether I will be destroyed by having to provide home hospice care. It's likely to get very, very ugly at the end.

Colon cancer is a vicious, brutal disease. Having your gut literally rot out of your body via tumor and infection. Anybody want to deal with this?

I was supposed to be on vacation next week; an opportunity to rejuvenate and refresh. Now it looks like nine days of impending doom and death.

Shockwave, I admire you for helping your Ex-wife like you have. You must still have feeling for her. I am guessing that the feeling is more like a best friend. I lost my wife to High grade Glioma Brain Cancer 12 years ago. She died in our home with me caring for her. I know first-hand the work it takes to care for someone in this state of health. Home health was a God send, they were so helpful. I always thought the worst was going to be when she died. Turns out I was wrong. She had got down to only being able to breathe and barely talk. One of her last requests was for me to bathe her. Man I about killed my self-dragging her into the shower and getting her into the chair and bathing her, which she badly needed, and then back to bed. She didn’t want to be unclean when she went to the funeral home. She died the next morning at 6:45 am. I always wonder what labored breathing was like. I got to witness it first-hand during the last 24 hrs. of her life. She was sweating over her entire body from the exertion of trying to breathe.
Her last breaths were rather peaceful, then silence in the entire house. I realized at that point the hard part was what we had gone thru the past 9 months esp. the last month or two. I was at peace with the effort that I had giving for her care and there was no more I could have done. Hospice even tried to get me to quit giving her meds a couple weeks before she died. I said no way was I going to influence the outcome of her passing. If she wanted it, I would give it to her even smashing it up and using an eye dropper to give it.
I feel that it is an honor to be present when someone passes. It is my opinion that it is the closest to God and Heaven that we can get without going ourselves. I hope you offer to help her because otherwise it will be a cold and lonely death for her. The time will go fast, what is a month or two of your life worth to her and not so much yourself. You will go on with your life and feel right about her passing. Sorry this response is so long.

I hope you offer to help her because otherwise it will be a cold and lonely death for her. The time will go fast, what is a month or two of your life worth to her and not so much yourself. You will go on with your life and feel right about her passing.

Thank you for your insightful reply. While you were writing that, I discovered an article in the New York Times called "The Reluctant Caregiver". One response to the article read:

"I strongly disagree with (the author's) claim that there's satisfaction in knowing you haven't turned your back, and you can take pride in that. I'm looking back with resentment and regret at the two years I've already spent in the caregiver role, and I can't imagine that I'll look back in 5 or 10 years or whenever it's over and feel anything but greater resentment and greater regret. I'm never getting these years back, after all, and by the time it's over it may be too late even to get a reasonable level of health back.

I think it does caregivers a disservice to sugar-coat the reality, and claim that even for the reluctant caregiver, there's a benefit there at that end. I'd much prefer to hear the unvarnished truth - that many of us are simply unfortunate enough to be conscripted into a lengthy period of life-wasting, soul-sucking servitude for which there is no compensation and no benefit. I think if more people started telling the truth about this, it might make a dent in everyone's expectation that adult children (daughters and daughters-in-law, in particular) should and will just suck it up and do it."

Right now, I'm kind of stuck between the "you will go on with your life and feel right about her passing" and the "simply unfortunate enough to be conscripted into a lengthy period of life-wasting, soul-sucking servitude for which there is no compensation and no benefit".

While it's true that I still care about this woman, it is similarly true that it was she who chose to sit down with an attorney and conspire to (literally) strip me of my life savings and have me kicked out into the street, under the completely false allegation of "domestic violence". There is still a significant undercurrent of resentment. Not so much that I wish for her to suffer, surely not like this, but just enough to have the thoughts of "as you sow, so shall you reap".

I'm meeting with her and the social worker and the assisted care administrator tomorrow.

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