Q&A for Teens: Nobody Loves Me

I don’t trust people. I think everyone hates me. Can you help me?

I have trust issues. I don't trust people, even very close family. I always think people are out to get me and that everyone hates me. Also, if I feel loved or happy a warning goes off in my head telling me I shouldn't be fooled: no one REALLY loves me, and if I believe that they do, I will end up getting hurt. I don't know why I feel this way! Nothing ever happened to me to justify this intense fear of rejection.

I understand that part of my believing no one loves me is because I don't really feel worthy of love because I don't love myself. Feeling like there is no safe place, no person that can be trusted, is an awful awful feeling. I always feel in danger, I don't believe the people around me. I feel like people are trying to be nice but they are really lying to me. Please help me feel better.

Lauren Roth's Answer

“Nothing ever happened to me to justify this intense fear of rejection.” I know you believe that, but I’m certain that something must have caused this “awful feeling” in you. My guess is that your parents didn’t give you a consistent, constant feeling of “YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE LOVED. WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, ALWAYS.”

When parents give children those messages, loud and clear, kids don’t feel the way you’ve described your feelings in your question.

But parents’ making (or not making) the statement to kids: “YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE LOVED. WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, ALWAYS,” can be very subtle. The process starts when the child is about 2 months old, and he searches his parents’ faces for a smile. Do the parents give the smile, or do their eyes slide on by? If the parents give that 2-month-old the loving, attentive recognition that the infant seeks, that baby will grow into a person who feels solidly beloved, who feels confident, happy, and secure. And these moments occur billions of times over a lifetime. And those billions of teeny moments either build the child up or break him down.

Every moment, for billions of moments, parents are building or breaking their kids.

For example, how do the parents react upon seeing the child first thing in the morning? “Hello, sunshine!!” Or: “Why are you waking me up so early?” How do the parents react when the child says, “Look at that blue truck!” Do they say, “I know you love trucks! I love trucks, too!” Or: “Bobby, that truck is not blue. It’s purple.” How do the parents react when the child runs in, waving his spelling test? “Wow! A 92! You’re so smart!” Or: “You left your room a mess this morning.” Every moment, for billions of moments, parents are building or breaking their kids.

You might not remember a specific traumatic event which caused you to feel this constant fear of rejection, but it’s possible that you’ve had many small moments of destruction instead of building.

(By the way, parents reading this: don’t despair! All the parenting research shows that it is NEVER too late to start becoming a better parent. Even if your child is 20, 60, 80, 100 years old—it’s never too late to start becoming a better parent than you were before. “Children” of any age can be healed from childhood wounds by rapprochement with their parents.)

If you want to resolve your issues and learn to trust, you should go to a psychodynamically-oriented therapist. He or she will explore with you your relationship with your parents and significant others throughout your life, and will help you figure out where the hurt is coming from. Awareness of the source of the emotional pain in and of itself can heal emotional pain. The fact that you don’t know the source of all this pain and fear you’re experiencing is a big part of why you’re hurting so much and feeling so fearful. The awareness will help you heal.

“I understand that part of my believing no one loves me is because I don't really feel worthy of love because I don't love myself.” How fantastic that you realize that! A therapist will help you figure out ways to love yourself. And, once again, the source of “Why don’t I love myself?” is probably the same dynamic: if your parents didn’t give you the message, loud and clear, “YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE LOVED. WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, ALWAYS,” how could you have ever learned to love yourself? A good therapist should explore with you the ways in which your parents didn’t make you feel “YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE LOVED. WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, ALWAYS,” even if the messages were subtle.

This kind of therapeutic exploration does not mean that your parents are “bad people,” nor does it mean they are “bad parents.” It simply means they made some mistakes, and didn’t give you exactly what you needed. A good therapist will help you realize that seeing your parents’ mistakes so that you can heal from them is not a betrayal of your parents, and not a condemnation of them as people.

People are only human; people make mistakes. We parents are human and we make mistakes. You can heal yourself by exploring the pieces your parents didn’t give you enough of, and you can help your parents know what you need to feel healed by discovering it and sharing it with them.

It’s highly probable that your parents believe they did tell you: “YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE LOVED. WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, ALWAYS.” However, parents don’t always express these vital ideas to their children in a way that each specific child can really hear them and really believe them. Parents usually don’t mean to hurt their children; they only hurt them because they themselves are not aware of their behaviors and the effects of those behaviors on each specific child.

Personally, as I’ve written many times in this column, I rely on my children to tell me, “Mommy, it made me sad when you…(fill in the blank).” I’m not omniscient, and I’m not perfect. (And no parent is!) Therapy helps all parties realize what is hurting them and what they are doing to hurt others. It’s a process that eases people’s pain and brings family members closer together, and helps them stop hurting each other, and helps individuals heal from (often unintentional) hurts and traumas.

Some people might take issue with my opinion that parents are incredibly powerful in their children’s lives, either building or demolishing the little souls entrusted to their care. But I’ve seen parents give a child what that child needed, and I’ve seen that child heal and thrive and blossom. And I’ve seen parents not address children’s needs, and I’ve seen those kids go down a sad path. I’ve seen it (and read the research about it) so much that my opinion stands: parents are incredibly powerful in their children’s lives, and they can create secure, confident people or insecure, fearful people.

In fact, nine times out of ten, when someone calls and wants me to do therapy with a child, I work with the parents, instead, because they are the most powerful people in that child’s life, and working with them is the best way to heal the child or change the child’s behavior.

My guess is that therapy (with a good therapist) will help you become aware of what forces are at play in your life, and will help you learn to trust, learn to love yourself, and learn to believe that others truly love you, too.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 52

(20)
Hpela,
July 19, 2013 10:17 AM

I still love you

My Dearest Little Darling Abby,
I just want you to be certain, Abby. I still love you. Every time you enter my thoughts, I love you and pray "Dear God, please help my Darling Little Abby to be ok. Please help her in every way. I love her."
Love, Carolyn

Abby,
July 24, 2013 12:21 PM

Dear Carolyn

Thank you,you are so kind and sweet!
I did not forget you, I pray that you find happiness and that people get to know you and appreciate you because you are so special.
Thanks for the prayers that means a lot to me XXOX

(19)
Carolyn,
June 28, 2013 8:48 PM

Dear Lauren

Thank you to you for picking Abby's story and the precious work you do for children. Thank you to AISH for having such a great website, I have learned a lot over the years and I appreciate your email service. I don't know who got helped more! Abby is just a wonderful girl. If I helped her at all, it was an honor. Praise God. With Best Regards, Shalom, Carolyn

(18)
abby,
June 27, 2013 4:28 PM

Thank You (2)

you are so valuable and you mean a lot to me, and to anyone who you will let close enough to get to know you, what you wrote was a real eye opener and definitely a strong push for me to get help, Thank you for your time, Thank you for your love, Thank you for being YOU because YOU are awesome!!! Love, Abby

(17)
abby,
June 27, 2013 4:26 PM

Thank You (1)

Carolyn, you have helped me more then you know, your message came through loud and clear you are very special ,your love really touched me and I hope you have someone in your life that loves you the way you love others because you ARE very very lovable , you need to start with loving yourself and there is so much to love, I can tell you that and I only know you for a short time, you have SO much to give and it's never ever too late, I have to tell you, your story terrified me I have a picture of you in my mind sitting there all alone and it makes me incredibly sad, you have no idea how sad it makes me, I'm serious! I want to come and give you a big hug, Please please promise me I know I'm much younger then you but please please listen to me, please NEVER give up,yuo can't! you need to keep pushing, and you don't need to be all alone , you don't need to suffer,you already took the hardest step which was getting help, don't stop there, please don't, do it for me your little friend Abby who is thinking about you , please for me? there is one part that you wrote I wish you would change not from the comment page but I wish you could change it in the way you think about yourself I'm gonna quote it here every time I read it, it makes me cry : "When I was young, I was like you. When you are old, I don't want you to be like me. Except, the little bit of good that is still left in me. Otherwise Abby, to this world, I have become as dust. Love, Carolyn" this makes me want to scream- WHY do you feel you have only a bit of good left in you WHY? I don't believe that and I don't have to know you well to say that, I'm sure that's a lie your mind is telling you,I wish you could change that to- " I am very special, I have a lot to give and help others (even Abby thinks so:) ) this is just a beginning for me things are only going to get better, I took the biggest step which was reaching out and getting help, the rest will come with time"

(16)
HpelATeladniyA,
June 27, 2013 10:18 AM

PLEASE HELP MY CHILD

We are all one Nation. It takes a village to raise a child. To save a life is to save a world.
'Do not think you will remain safe if the rest of us die.' Mordicai and Esther.
Carolyn

(15)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2013 12:34 PM

Choice

I told them I was very sick and felt I need immediate medical attention, that I felt I was at risk of either starving myself to death or going insane. I had lost another ten pounds. When my doctor called back she offered to help make arrangements with a crisis facility stating to call her if she hadn't called back by 12 the next day. I was terrified, Abby. Just getting to the point of picking up the phone to call her had been a royal struggle, and now I was being asked to wait until the next day, and terrifying night in my home, alone. But I did. Once I made that choice that what was happening to me was not God's will, that it was very wrong and originating from my own mind, there was no turning back. I needed help, and I was going to get it, period. Needless to say, my doctor did not call back by 12. Her line was busy, every time I tried to call. So... I forced myself out that door. I got in my car. I drove to her office. I told the staff that the doctor said to call if I hadn't heard from her, that I was sick and I needed help. I was sent to the hospital and transferred to a hospital in the major city in our state for treatment. At first, some people didn't understand why I was there, I seemed normal. I had spent so many years working and living with pain, it had become normal. I thought I was just doing the right thing in dealing with it myself because everyone just seemed so hostile to me. Maybe they were Abby, but it doesn't matter now. My husband thought I was sick 15 years ago Abby. Now that I am getting better I realize, from my earliest recollection as a small child, I have had problems with the chemistry of my brain, being terrified at night, even with my eyes wide open. None of it matters now, because 9 months ago, I made a choice and a decision that I was sick and I needed help and I wasn't waiting any longer for "the right people" to understand or help me. I knew I needed help and I was the only one who needed to know it, at least to start with....

Carolyn,
June 26, 2013 7:25 PM

just so you know Abby, because you asked

So far, it is just you and I texting back and forth in text "14" and now "15."

(14)
Anonymous,
June 18, 2013 5:19 AM

Wow

Young lady, I love you.
Take charge of your life. Start doing things you like to do.
Work to surround yourself with people, things and activities You like to do. Then forget about everyone and anything else that upsets you. Shelter your self with this and remember you are never alone: you are always in the presence of God and your angels, and they can be trusted and they love you too.

Anonymous,
June 18, 2013 3:15 PM

hmmm

Why and how can you love me if you don't even know me??

Anonymous,
June 19, 2013 3:42 PM

I love you

By the grace of God, YOU caused me to love you. You reached out to me, a reader of AISH. You submitted your story, you expressed in words your situation and your hurt, and it touched my heart: your hurt, your pain became mine. My heart was instantly filled with compassionate love for you, by the grace of God. (And I have a feeling that everyone that has written to you, loves you too. You are very loved by more than just me.)
I think perhaps, it may be time to show your parents this article and the responses and ask for their help.
I believe, with complete faith, that God, the angels, and many others love you more than you can imagine.
I love you.

abby,
June 20, 2013 1:31 PM

thank you

This made me teary, thank you anonymous for saying that, you are special.

Anonymous,
June 20, 2013 5:31 PM

Dear Little Darling

You are very special too. In my heart, you will remain a darling to me, like all my children. I have also placed a note in the Western Wall asking our Beloved Father to help you. I often do this when something seemingly overwhelming is bothering me. It always makes me feel better, and I feel helped. God is our best friend. I have a feeling things are going to change for the good for you. God knows everything that is going on with us. He also knows that sometimes the only thing that makes us feel better is to reach out and write. And you did that, you beautiful, beautiful girl. I am so proud of you. I believe with a complete conviction that God has heard your cries and is sending many, many angels to you. Be at peace little darling, help is the way. Now, you just wipe away those tears, and when you feel ready, I think it is time to talk to you parents, maybe even write them a note, if that is easier. I feel with a complete conviction, that your parents love you very, very, very much, and their hearts would ache even more than, much, much, more than mine to learn that you have been in this much pain. For now, you can keep writing me here. I will check many times a day to make sure if you need me. I want you to promise me that you will talk to your parents as soon as possible. I think it is very important for you to be seen by a doctor. Sometimes people need to take medicine, sometimes for just a little while to feel better, when someone feels as bad you do. But it is the right thing to do. God definitely wants you to take care of yourself, God is a loving God, understand? He does not want you to be in pain. I am not going to leave your side, nor are the angels, nor God, who this very moment is looking down upon you with supreme loving concern. Now I am going to stop and give you a chance to do what you need to do. I will check to make sure if you need me. You are a most precious child to me, remember that always. I love you very, very much.

Anonymous,
June 23, 2013 2:19 PM

Dear Anonymous who cares...

I know I might sound like a broken record now but I really don't get why you care about me and love me it makes no sense to me, I know it sounds strange but I'm just not used to feeling this way and it makes me cry ever time, you are very special, thank you for your amazing support I really don't know why you're so nice to me I guess there are nice people in the world after all, I'm so afraid of being hurt, trusting and then.... realizing the person was just pretending to like me, y'know... it's just too big a risk to take, and I can't tell my parents they already think I'm weird and this will only make it worse...

Anonymous,
June 24, 2013 6:59 PM

anonymous can we email?

I think it would be easier then posting here, what do you think?

Carolyn,
June 24, 2013 9:13 PM

The road to happiness begins with the truth.

Abby, A person doesn't have to be special to love you. Any normal, decent person reading your letter would be moved to compassionate love for you. But I particularily love you, because your me thirty years ago. I could have written your letter. I was the same way. I didn't get help. So now I sit in my home, with my dog, cat, and fish all alone. I have lost everyone that has ever meant anything to me because of this sickness. My parents, my brothers and sisters, my brothers and sisters in law, my nieces and my nephews, my husband's family, my husband, my children, and my granddaughter. All because I was sick and didn't know how to trust my fellow human beings and I didn't set as my priority my physical and psychological well-being. My pain just kept getting worse, I became more and more unreachable. You cannot, and I pray dear God you will not be required to, imagine the pain I have experienced. May God forbid that you should have to. Abby, only because I nearly lost my life did I become forced to accept that I needed help immediately. But it not thru my own merit. It is only because I forced the hand of God, and made him step in. My future is still uncertain. I am choosing my health and psychological well-being first, so in addition to losing everyone that I love and being forced to walk this world totally alone, I am poised to loose the remainder of what I do have. But I still praise God, Abby, because he has allowed me to see the error of my ways and still live to talk about it and to help others by it. Choose Life Abby, choose Love, choose Happiness. Go tell your parents. I am not close enough to give you the hugs and the kisses and the love that you need, but I send it to you anyways. You have to let your parents take over. I am not physically there to help you, you must tell them and let them help you. Don't let you life end up like mine Abby. You could not possible comprehend my pain. Do something now before it is too late. Now Abby. I love you, Carolyn

Carolyn,
June 24, 2013 11:05 PM

Abby

I have one long text I have already sent. This may get thru first. God willing, it will get through. You have already made a choice, you are already taking a risk and it is not making you happier.

Anonymous,
June 25, 2013 8:15 AM

Carolyn

I'm so sorry you had to go through that pain:-(
Thank you so much for sharing that with me it was a shake I needed an eye opener for sure, but what do I do? I really don't want to tell my parents, can I get help alone? What kind of help did you get? I'm afraid to take medication I read tons of bad things about it plus I don't really think I'm the one who needs help I mean it's them that are mean to me!
Thanks So much!!!!
Abby
P.s. are you the anonymous poster above with the note at the kosel? Just wondering, I asked this question and posted replies as anonymous and once as Abby...

Anonymous,
June 25, 2013 3:12 PM

I stand by my words

Abby, The way I see it, you have already taken a risk and made a choice by not telling anyone that is physically near you that can possibly help you, and it is not making you happier.
If I were there I would help you, but I am not. I need YOU to help ME. I need you to turn to someone who is physically near you, who can take over where my help leaves off.
I still believe that your parents are your best first choice. They are my choice for you. If you don't agree, please promise me that you will at least find someone that you will tell and that can help you, please.
I love you more than you can possibly understand. Your friend, Carolyn

Anonymous,
June 25, 2013 4:08 PM

I told a friend,but even with people being really understanding it can't change my family it can't really change me no one really gets how I feel and what I'm going through, they tell me to "get over it" "move on" and "it's no big deal" that kind of stuff I hear that all the time they don't understand that I CAN'T, what kind of help are you thinking about? What did you do?
Lately it's been getting so bad I started purging and I didn't do that in a long time,maybe a year even, I don't have an eating disorder and I'm not doing it to lose weight I just like the feeling of control, and if I lose weight that's a bonus, I have all these little "safety behaviors" I probably shouldn't be doing, I did try therapy in the past but it was not a positive experience and not helpful at all, I don't know what to do:-(

Anonymous,
June 26, 2013 12:00 PM

I told someone

I picked up the phone and called my doctor. I told her I felt I was very sick and why and that I needed immediate medical attention. I persisted. She was to make arrangements and call me the next day. This was a very dangerous choice on her part. I was in my home, alone, and my mind was doing terrible things to me. I kept praying to God to help me understand what was happening to me. It was really bad Abby. I almost die. I kept praying to God for his help to understand his will for me. Nothing made sense. My thoughts didn't fit right together, nothing made sense, terrifying things were happening to me, and I was alone in my home having trouble getting out the door. Some how, no, by God's will, some small part of my brain was still intact. The part that knows right from wrong. I had stopped eating, except the smallest amount of food once a day. This had started for religious reasons, over the space of a month, I had lost fourty pounds. When I stopped fasting, I was still eating about the same way because I had become used to it and my body had become weak. I had already been sick for a long time, living in a enormous amount of pain. Fasting just made things worse. Things started to spiral out of control. I became increasingly more terrified in my own home, yet I couldn't seem to leave it. The screen on my storm door wasn't completely flat. I know because I installed it. I had trouble stretching it across the frame. One night, I opened the door, I can't remember now why, and the light from my porch light played across the waviness of the screening, because I couldn't get it to lay flat. Abby, the light played across the screen, and in the shadows, the was the image of the Grim Reaper, scythe and all. I was starving to death, and yet I knew God wouldn't want me to kill myself, it is forbidden, no matter what is happening, it is wrong. Only God gives life, only God should take it back. I called my doctor, it was night, and I left a message with her answering service....

Anonymous,
June 26, 2013 12:48 PM

Choice

If you are waiting for people to understand, you may be waiting a very, very long time. It is not necessarily about understand, it is about acceptance. Theirs and yours. It is not wrong to be sick; it is wrong not to do anything about it when YOU know you are. I had to fight really hard to emerge from the pain I was in, but I chose to every step of the way. I was seeing a therapist and telling her I wasn't doing well at home, she didn't seem to recognize how unwell, but I did, so I took myself back over to the hospital because I KNOW WHEN I AM SICK, I KNOW WHEN I NEED HELP, EVERYBODY DOES NOT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND FOR ME TO KNOW THIS AND SEEK HELP.

Anonymous,
June 26, 2013 1:20 PM

Truth

I am on four medicines and they all help. I told those in charge of helping me the truth about my symptoms. I tried not to leave anything out. The doctors and prescribers I have seen take this information to help scientifically define what is wrong and scientifically determine which drug are the best match to treat your symptoms. It is a process, but the more honest you are, the better they can help. I still have the same therapist, I just like as a person and she has helped. But even she initially didn't recognize that I needed to go back into the hospital early on in my treatment with her, but I did. I KNOW THAT I AM SICK AND THAT I NEED HELP, I DON'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR EVERYONE TO UNDERSTAND TO GET HELP FOR MYSELF. Get the point Abby? My brain doesn't hurt anymore. I have seen this therapist for a while now, but if she didn't seem to be responding to me, even now, and I like her an think she is a great therapist, but if she didn't seem to be responding to me and I believed I had to go back into the hospital, I would. Why? Because Abby, I know when I am sick and when I need help. And I no longer wait until everyone understands to seek help for myself. You see Abby, the truth is even today, for all our wanting, there is still much about the human brain that we don't understand. And for all our wanting, we cannot peer into another person's mind to see what is going on inside it. We need them to tell us. Like I said before, you have already taken a risk, you have already made a choice by not getter help and it is not making you fell better, it is not making you happier. Why? Because your sick. You need help. And you are waiting for everyone to understand before you get help. Abby, you could be waiting a lifetime. A lifetime that I can tell from experience, will be filled with an enormous amount of pain, hardship, hurt, harm, and let down, if you live long enough. My beautiful darling girl, choose Life. Choose Love. Choose Happiness. Now, while there is still time.

Anonymous,
June 26, 2013 1:35 PM

Destiny

When I was young, I was like you. When you are old, I don't want you to be like me. Except, the little but of good that is still left in me. Otherwise Abby, to this world, I have become as dust. Love, Carolyn

Anonymous,
June 26, 2013 3:11 PM

I'm sad

Carolyn,
This made me cry, your pain is palpable, this made me SO sad for a few reasons:
1) That you had to go through such horrible horrible experiences although it's easy to tell it made you stronger.
2) Because of the way you look at yourself today, the way you wrote " to this world I had become dust" that was just heart wrenching to read and I don't believe it's true I know I'm very young and don't have much experience but I truly believe that it's not true I don't think it ever was and certainly it isn't true for today, you are so special and caring and sensitive you have so much to give you are NEEDED more then you know.
Thank you for sharing that with me, I don't know what I can do to change my life I feel like it's ruined and won't ever get better I don't have the koach to do anything I don't think I'm sick I don't know what it is I think Lauren was very on target about the lack of love in my life the love I didn't get... I'm so so tired emotionally and physically I'm so young I want to go to college I want to get a job I want to have kids I want to be happy, or will it be more correct to say I want to want? Yeah that would be more correct, I want to want but I don't know ,I'm just not there and I don't know if I can or will ever get there, I'm tired.

Anonymous,
June 27, 2013 10:33 AM

An Ocean

I have cried an ocean of tears. I am crying again. My ocean is overflowing. I love you so very much Abby. One more tear...

Anonymous,
June 27, 2013 6:30 PM

no, it does not

Abby, this kind of suffering hasn't made me stronger. Every time I got knocked to the ground for doing what I knew to be right, I would pick myself up, brush myself off, and carry on. A whole life time of it. Just before my divorce 15 years ago, my husband told me I was no one, nothing, and that no one loved me. Because of my condition, because I was so sick, these words rang through my brain up until I started getting medication, 9 months ago. They couldn't possibly be true Abby, because I know that a least God and the Angels love me. I believe my children do, even though I don't see them right now. I believe even my former husband still does, even if it is the most miniscule amount, because I believe, at one point he really did, how does that leave a person completely? But because I was so sick, from my view point I didn't see any evidence that anyone cared. I felt I was constantly being misunderstood and mistreated. I felt I had been rolling down a mountain for a very long time, and instead of helping, people were watching, jeering, laughing, and giving me a hard push down, for good measure. I have cried, until recently, every day, for almost fifteen years. Before, I knew why I was getting up each time: my children needed me. Now, my children are gone. I don't see them. For many months, I have felt my strength ebbing from me. I just don't seem to be able to pull myself together. I am trying. My pets still need me, and they are little dears. They follow me everywhere. I am starting to cry again. I am trying really hard to get up and brush myself off, for my pets that need me and are so innocent, and for the possibility that my children may still need me, if only to know I am still alive. But even this is no longer enough reason. My whole life, I have tried to help everyone that has crossed my path to the best of my ability. Now everyone is gone. I am all alone. I am really tired Abby, but you sweet child, have given me a reason to try. Thank you, and I love you.

(13)
scott,
June 16, 2013 8:25 AM

Take control

I hate to disagree but this is terrible advice. You aren't talking to the parents you're talking to the child who does not control the parents.

Let's say you're right about where the feelings of worthlessness come from. The parents either don't love the child or don't express that love in a way that the kid can absorb and feel better about herself. Okay. Guess what? Her parents may not change and you've offered her nothing.

First off if your feelings scare you-in the least- tell someone immediately. Your parents, a school counselor, a rabbi, a teacher a friends parent-someone. There is help out there and regardless of how you feel there are people who love you and want you safe.

Want to feel better about yourself? It sounds a little weird, but treat yourself like a new friend. Get to know and like yourself and then you'll start feeling that others can like you as well. Not everyone will like you...but you'll find your place. How? Do something that matters to you. Anything. As long as you think its important. Earn your own self respect. Get an A on something-if you normally get cs then get a b Join a team of something. Volunteer somewhere. Study a page of talmud a day or a week or month. Learn to draw. Get a part time job. Something. Anything. Except video games (if you have a video game console smash it against the wall immediately)

And then compliment yourself on your achievement-however small. Own it. Like it and look for a new challenge. Rinse and repeat until you feel clean. Over time people will notice the little things and treat you differently-because you are treating yourself differently and then it's a little cycle that is self perpetuating. I've seem this work with twenty something year olds with severe bi-polar disorder that the touchy feely medication crowd abandoned as hopelessly permanently disabled.

They're now employed, happier and positive about life.

Anonymous,
June 16, 2013 10:13 AM

I'm the girl who asked this question

Thank you scott for taking the time to reply, I do feel that what Lauren wrote is very true to me but you're right that I can't change my parents, your advice is good I'll try it. Thank you!

Anonymous,
June 16, 2013 5:21 PM

Thanks

Thanks for your advice!

(12)
Margo Grace,
June 15, 2013 11:29 PM

Warning Bells

Young adulthood is a time when mental health issues really start to show up, as I sadly know from personal experience. It is NOT my parent's fault (unless you wish to blame their combined genetics) for the fact that I have periods of intense depression and periods of manic behavior. My mother and father are not perfect, no one is, but they did provide me with a loving environment and therapy. But it was not until I was in my 30's that I first discovered that I had BiPolar and that while talk therapy could help, I needed medication to be a whole person. THIS IS NO ONE'S FAULT, it is just the genetics that I have, and I thank G*d every day that I was born in a time that medication is available so that I can live a relatively normal life. Please do not feel that this is your fault, or (necessarily) your parents fault. I hope that you find the help you need so you can live a full and happy life.

(11)
Anonymous,
June 14, 2013 4:23 PM

Wow. Your answer Is so on target. I grew up in an emotional abusive environment and can strongly relate to the question asked. Where can i get a referral to a competent therapist?

(10)
Katherine Gordy Levine,
June 13, 2013 8:00 PM

Not just parents

Distresses me anytime I see one-sided advice. Parents are only part of who we become and how we feel and behave. .

Moreover, a reality check shows that sooner or later betrayals of one sort or another happens in all relationships. Even the best of parents eventually leave us. On a more mundane note, needs conflict and as Hillel noted we need to be for ourselves as well as for others. Finally, the commonly reported news events of today's media are constant reminders about how others, even presidents, deceive.

I also suspect the young lady is a sensitive soul, easily hurt, and therefore protectiive. She can help herself in a few ways. One she is already practicing: awareness her distrust in over the top. To combat that she might start using rating scales to figure out the big and the small trust betrayals. 5 would be the worse betrayals and 1 the mundane ones. Hopefully, that will bring some perspective into her fears.

Self-soothing skills such starting with Calming Breath and changing negative self talk would probably be the first I would want her to develop.

And as a final bit of advice, I would suggest she take a self defense course - Peace Aikido being my first choice. Hopefully, the right course with the right dojo will build her confidence.

Staying strong is not easy but can always be strengthened.

(9)
Intelligence Nana,
June 13, 2013 7:43 PM

tommorrow contains more gains than yesterday

I can be a help to solve that

(8)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2013 6:20 PM

You have given me something to think about

Thank you so much for commenting on the article. You identified some things in myself that has taken some of the weight off of my shoulders.

(7)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2013 6:17 PM

I am that parent

Thank you for the parenthetical paragraph in the middle that says it's never too late. I was very convicted reading this... and I need to start over with my kids. They are all teens now.

(6)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2013 2:01 PM

Thank you for a superb message. We all need to focus more on making people instead of breaking people. However, a child may have ADHD or Autism or something else that is causing him or her not to trust people. It's not always the parent's fault.

a Therapist,
June 14, 2013 6:34 PM

Agreed, its not always the parent's fault, but...

ADHD and Autism do NOT cause people not to trust others. Trust and these disorders have absolutely no correlation. We learn to trust ourselves as an infant. Yes, trust can be broken later on, but the inherent trust and knowledge that we ourselves are good people and that people in general are trustworthy will be there in a person through the toughest times, if they had a secure childhood, starting in infancy. Google Stages of Development, Erikson, trust vs mistrust, abuse in infancy, neglect in infancy, attachment disorder.

Anonymous,
June 16, 2013 10:06 AM

THANK YOU for saying that!

(5)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2013 8:24 AM

Borderline personality disorder

Parents by definition do the best that they can. Sure we can always do better with coaching and concerted effort.

A family unit with where all the children are happy and functioning within society is blessed. All too often one of the children R'l find fitting into society more difficult that their siblings.

The other children indicate that the home environment may not have been perfect but was good enough for some. The question has to be asked why was it not good enough for the child that is batteling.

Perhaps the issue is with the child. The intense fear of rejection could R'l be an indication of BPD.

May Hashem give her and her family the strength to deal with the real issue.

(4)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2013 1:07 AM

Hard to change image

I think it's almost impossible to recover from a extremely bad pair of parents enough to maintain a consistent sense of worth. I certainly have tried - with the therapy bills to prove it. Sometimes, the damage is too great.

kathee,
June 13, 2013 4:56 PM

Worth the fight

I'm sorry for your pain, Anonymous. I, too, was abused by my family as a child. On top of that, I was a sickly kid with low self-esteem, so I was an easy target for bullying at school. Since as far back as I can remember, I believed in God, prayed and talked to Him. Sometimes I felt He wasn't listening, but I've come to understand that time passes differently for Him. He sees the bigger picture. I'm not always happy with that, but I understand it now from reflecting on my life -- when I thought things should happen versus when they finally did. HE does love me and is always watching over me.
I wanted to suggest to you something that has helped me. I read somewhere that everyone must write his/her own Torah. What I decided to do with that advice is that I have journals in which I write things from inspirational articles on God, self-esteem, whatever makes me think and feel good. I write down prayers and quotes, whatever I read that I feel is good to remember. I do go back and read over them sometimes, altering which one I read. Many AISH articles are quoted in them.
I met a girl on the bus one day who saw me reading from one of my journals and asked me about it. When I explained what it was, she became thoughtful. "That's a good idea," she said. "I have a journal where I write all the bad stuff that happens to me. I should have a journal with all the good stuff, too."
I'm still working on my self-esteem. I expect it's a constant struggle, like maintaining one's weight. But YOU ARE WORTH THE FIGHT. Please believe that and keep the faith.

Anonymous,
June 13, 2013 5:26 PM

it's sad

I know just how you feel:(XX

Anonymous,
June 16, 2013 3:45 AM

that is a good idea!

i also only have a "bad things" journal. i really should start a positive one!

Anonymous,
January 31, 2014 2:20 AM

ALMOST impossible....

Hashem wouldn't give this challenge to you, if it was impossible to overcome. I too am about to start on the process of counseling and trying to build a new self. I'm sure it won't be easy, but I have a strong belief that I was only put into my family because I have the strength to overcome this "almost impossible" challenge! Pray! I'm sure you can do it too!!!! May we all have much success in becoming trusting, happy, and healthy individuals with positive self images!

(3)
Anonymous,
June 11, 2013 5:48 AM

Thought-provoking article

My parents always religiously recited the mantras of new-age parenting—with kavanah, but it didn’t help me overcome those feelings. When I pointed this out to therapists, they were unconvinced of the accuracy of my testimony. For what other explanation was there?

No rabbi would attribute suffering to a perfect God punishing forgotten sins. Yet in our “skeptical” age, it is blasphemous to suggest that human nature is as indiscriminate as… well, other aspects of nature.

I realize that this challenges our belief in our own innate goodness.But it is a challenge worth rising to.

(2)
ana,
June 10, 2013 12:34 AM

Me. too!

This is exactly what happened to me and I only recently figured it out, so I know this is true. I don't trust people, never feel comfortable showing myself to people, I feel like no one really likes me or has my back--and I'm not a paranoid person or brooding person, I'm pretty normal and seem pretty normal, but I cannot form normal relationships because I can't let myself get close enough because I don't trust. It took me a few years to realize why. it was the constant stream of negative words and behavior toward me, emotional neglect, and a general uncaring daily interaction between me and most family members who somehow seemed to be normal to others since those interactions were more directed in terms of it being a get together or a a dinner or a group setting and not day to day life in which my very existence seemed to be despised. Almost everything i said or felt was invalidated. Also, a lot of family and friends talked behind my back when I was around 7 to 15 and while most people have this happen, too, and they can deal with it, it was really difficult for me since i didn't really have any close relationships to go to outside of the negativity--not at home, not at school. Anyhow, I'm only just figuring out how to deal with this, so I hope the person who wrote this can start from that same place, too. Sometimes you just have to decided to be open an go for it. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and if people can't handle your emotions or your desire to change, or if they don't want to hear it, or if they purposely or accidentally or thoughtlessly use your vulnerability against you, move on--and in another setting, try again.

(1)
Anonymous,
June 9, 2013 1:42 PM

Lauren, Thank you so much for taking the time to help me and many others! I liked your answer it feels true to me and makes sense, I don't know about going to therapy though I think I would be very shy if I were to go with my parents, and find it hard to be emotionally honest.

Lauren Roth,
June 9, 2013 8:51 PM

A good therapist

A good therapist would help you to feel comfortable.

Anonymous,
June 11, 2013 8:41 AM

What is a "good" therapist?

...and if the therapist helps you feel uncomfortable, would it follow that he was not a good therapist?

Lauren Roth,
June 11, 2013 12:10 PM

A good therapist

A good therapist should help you feel safe and comfortable so that you feel safe and comfortable being pushed bit by bit into uncomfortable "challenges" to your present way of thinking, so that you can heal. It's more complicated than that, but that's lots of years of training in a sentence!

Anonymous,
June 13, 2013 5:46 PM

I gotta tell you Lauren, I've read this answer over and over(I'm the one who asked the question) this might sound silly but those words you wrote " WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, ALWAYS." which you repeated a few times, at first I thought " why is she writing this so many times"? but then something strange happened EACH time I read those words I got teary and felt a little sad,I guess that means they're true right? they really got to me. just wanted to share that with you!

I’ve been dating a young woman for the past two years and we are starting to think about marriage. The problem is that she is not Jewish. I would want her to convert, but in a way where there would be no doubt about its validity, so that we and our kids don’t have problems later on. How do you recommend that I proceed?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I appreciate your desire to do the right thing and proceed in an authentic way.

The process of conversion is challenging and involves a process of a year or two. This benefits the person converting, to ensure he fully appreciates the responsibilities he is taking on.

According to the Code of Jewish Law (Shulchan Aruch), a valid conversion replicates the experience at Mount Sinai of 3,300 years ago, when the Jewish nation accepted the Torah. For your friend to convert, she must:

believe that Judaism is the true religion, not just accept it by default

study what it says in the Torah

commit to observe all the Torah's commandments

Further, a conversion must be motivated for the sincere purpose of getting close to God and His Torah, not for ulterior motives. Thus, your friend would have to embrace Judaism and the Torah for its own sake, not in order to marry you. She should have the exact same desire to convert even with you entirely out of the picture.

If your friend studies Judaism and feels it is right for her, she would then approach an Orthodox conversion court and explain her situation. The court would then decide if it feels she is a sincere candidate for conversion. If yes, she would begin the lengthy process of studying and practicing to become a true convert.

Of course, to have a successful relationship, you will also need a high level of appreciation and commitment to Judaism. Perhaps you could begin your own study program to discover how Torah values enhance our lives and form the bedrock of civilization.

You should endeavor to live near a Jewish community which has adult education programs, rabbis you can consult with, Shabbat hospitality programs, etc.

In 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), Moses completed his farewell address to the Jewish people, and God informed Moses that the day of his death was approaching (Deut. 31:14). Amazingly, the anniversary of Moses' completing his teaching coincides with the date in 1482 of the first printing of the standard format used for Jewish Bibles today: vowel signs, accents, translation (Targum), and Rashi commentary.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Solomon] was wiser than all men (I Kings 5:11), even wiser than fools (Midrash).

What does the Midrash mean by "wiser than fools"?

A man of means was once a Sabbath guest at the home of the Chofetz Chaim. He insisted upon paying the sage in advance for the Sabbath meals - an insulting demand. To everyone's surprise, the Chofetz Chaim accepted the money.

After the Sabbath the Chofetz Chaim forced the guest to take the money back. He explained, "Had I refused to accept the money before the Sabbath, the thought that he was imposing upon me might have distracted from the man's enjoying the spirit of the Sabbath. Although it was foolish of him to feel this way, I wished to put his mind at rest."

Not everyone thinks wisely all the time. Some people have foolish ideas. Yet if we oppose them, they may feel they have been wronged. Insisting on the logic of our own thinking may not convince them in the least. In such instances, it may require great wisdom to avoid offending someone, yet not submitting to his folly.

By accepting his guest's money, knowing that he would return it to him after the Sabbath, the Chofetz Chaim wisely accommodated this man's whim without compromising on his own principles.

A wise person may be convinced by a logical argument, but outsmarting a fool truly requires genius.

Today I shall...

try to avoid offending people whom I feel to be in the wrong, without in any way compromising myself.

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