Discussions By Condition: Addictions

Do i have a thing for older guys?

Ive recently started dating a guy that could very easily be my father, theres only one difference..hes not! he is very sweet and all about me. we have tons in common, we ice fish, go 4wheelin, hike ect... he has been so awesome. but i cant help but know in the back of my head that this can never really go anywhere, he has kids (and is fixed now) and i want kids...eventually. My parents arent particually thrilled but they trust me and my judgement. I really do like him, hes everything ive wanted and more! but is it meant to be? or should i get out now before i know ill be too attached?

11 Replies:

The answer is within yourself.If there is an obstacle, you'll sense it- you won't feel 100% free and satisfied.If you want to know why you have a thing for people who can't satisfy you- then meditate- you'll find out. Some people feel guilty to have everything they want, so they settle for less.Just meditate- don't push for quick answers and don't judge yourself.Good Luck.

i suppose the only obstacle that has anything to do with us, is that he cant have anymore kids. i am young, but i know what i want, and i know ill want kids. the other stuff goin on around us seems less important, my friends are a lil taken back with the whole thing. they dont understand, but then again im the only one in our lil circle that has really done anything with my life. I work 50+ hrs a week, i have a house, i have my own car, and i have two awesome dogs. my adgenda has changed, just cuz its friday i dont feel i have to go out and get sh*tfaced all weekend. which seems to be the only thing my friends ever do...maybe i need new friends...oh! and im suddenly not as cool cuz i dont want to be drunk and stoned all the time! im over it really, its just kinda depressing...these people ive known for a long time and i guess its true,"some people never change" i just feel i have!but as far as me and my guy i think were great. it might be a lil weird when i turn fourty and hes sixty! i supppose we'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. He says he thinks a lot about the kid thing, and that it bothers him he cant give me what i want (kids only). his ex-girlfriend found out about me and called him a petafile..which bugged him too. but hes not my first and he didnt de-flower me for *****t's sake! im a big girl, i know what im doin. he is old enough to be my father...but he isnt!!! so whats the problem? i knew we would run into this stuff goin into the relationship, everyone has an opinion. wheather we want it or not. the good thing is of course him!!:D

I imagined that this posts was going to be about your self worth and ego. Now you are starting to experience new things in life so as your tastes evolve or gravitate around this person, you suddenly feel like you are so much better than you used to be. Evidently, you already started to question your friendships- as you see on them something that you don't like on yourself.People who join mind/emotion controlling cults often behave like you.This guy is simply acting "so into you" because he has nothing to lose. He already lost his balls, what could he be afraid of?

I'm a 50 year old male, and when I was 46, I briefly dated a woman who was 22. I never had the word pedophile thrown at me, but I did get a lot of uncomfortable reactions from others. (Especially my daughter, who was only a year younger than my girlfriend. She kind of freaked out for awhile, but I think that was mostly about other problems in hers and my relationship.)My girlfriend and I broke up after just a few months, but for the usual reasons -- we found that we just weren't compatible -- not the age difference. If we had been compatible, and truly in love, I would have stayed with her no matter what other people said. No one has the right to tell me who I can love. My daughter's feelings would have been tough to deal with, but I would have done my best.Point is, you've got the right to any relationship you want with anyone you want. So what if you have a thing for older guys? If you're both truly happy, that's all that matters. And if other people don't like who you're with, that's about them, not you. It's their problem, not yours. You're not making them upset, they're making themselves upset. All those upset people may not be much fun for you, and you may lose friends. But if they leave you over that, they weren't very good friends to begin with.You say you're working hard, have a house, a car, and dogs, and have lost interest in getting plowed every weekend. Sounds to me like you're completely capable of making your own choices ... more so than a lot of older, more "mature" people. So make your choices, live your life, and enjoy it. Power to you, woman!And about kids, vasectomy reversal is possible (although I don't know what it costs or what the success rate is). Have you talked to your boyfriend about that? Is he willing to even consider it? Or does he just not want more kids at all? Maybe because a "second" family could disrupt relationships with the kids he already has?

hey thanks! i didnt mean to sound like i was tryin to boost my ego..i think im still in the stage of justifying all this( to myself and others). His kids are about 5 years younger than me, its okay though, surprisingly their cool with it. i do think if he had more kids they wouldnt be so cool, but it is an idea. i do really think im fallin for him i just am sick of feelin like we're doin something wrong. that word, "pedophile" i hate it. People throw it around and it bothers him to no end! i wish i could make him feel as safe and comfortable as he makes me feel. :cool:

hey thanks! i didnt mean to sound like i was tryin to boost my egoBoost away, it's good for ya. About the still-justifying stage, part of that's normal, considering the reactions you're getting from others. But I know that when I was with my young girlfriend and doing the same justification to others, I finally realized that a lot of it was a way of hiding from myself the fact that she and I really weren't compatible. So ... just keep looking inside, and be sure you're being honest with yourself.But if you're both sure of how you feel about each other -- as certain as any of us ever are -- then you're not doing anything "wrong." You haven't said how old you are, but if you're working, and own a house and a car, I assume you're above the age of consent? Then there's nothing wrong about your relationship.I've never been to Burlington, but I've always heard it described as a fairly free-thinking college town. Is that wrong? Are the people around you unusually intolerant? "Pedophile" is a strong word, and if you're clearly not a teenager being exploited by an older man, then you must be living among some very closed-minded people. I know quite a few younger-woman-older-man couples, with age differences of 10-25 years. I also know one younger-man-older-woman couple; she's 17 years older than him. They're all happily married or partnered and have been for a long time. Maybe your neighbors have never had positive examples like that to get them out of their pedophilia prejudice.Also, remember that the definition of a ***t is anyone who has more sex than you do, and a prig is anyone who has less sex than you do. ;) Bet your bottom dollar that most of those reactions are jealousy -- people who wish they could be with someone younger and attractive.I don't have any brilliant suggestions about responding to the p-word. Maybe sit down with your boygriend and brainstorm. Come up with some response that's short, easy to remember, quick to say, and as gentle, mind-opening, belittling, stinging, or shaming as suits your style. You have the right to tell other people that your relationship is none of their business. Do it however seems best to you.

wise words in the last post.----------my input is this.get things in perspective.half of all marriages dont last five years.most of those which go on longer have one partner who no longer loves the other.("what are they sticking around for,the money?"says british psychiatrist r. d.laing. my answer--,probably,yes.)i learn this morning that eighty per cent of all marriages have at any one time,at least one partner engaged in an adulterous affair,(but i cant quote a source for this ,as my source does not.--an article in todays "daily telegraph",which is usually meticulous in fact checking.) these are the people who are criticising you.also,take no notice of those who will delight in reminding you that the disparity in your ages will matter more as the years pass.they dont know that they will not die tomorrow.if you have found love and companionship,grab it with both hands and may god bless you.full steam ahead,and ***n the torpedoes!

I imagined that this posts was going to be about your self worth and ego. Now you are starting to experience new things in life so as your tastes evolve or gravitate around this person, you suddenly feel like you are so much better than you used to be. Evidently, you already started to question your friendships- as you see on them something that you don't like on yourself.People who join mind/emotion controlling cults often behave like you.This guy is simply acting "so into you" because he has nothing to lose. He already lost his balls, what could he be afraid of?Sorry if I sounded mean- I just meant to joke/be sarcastic about the vasectomy- In other words, he is enjoying his freedom.I do not like the fact that people are giving him such disgusting names.It is fair to tell people that their words are disrespectful, specially the so called friends should watch their mouths.Just enjoy best of both worlds- don't change for anyone- but enjoy what's new in your life. Live in the moment (responsably) - tomorrow never comes.Even if you date someone your own age, there is no guarantee that you will have kids. A young man can also be a pedophile, or die young.So it does not matter- you can't never let the future control the present.Ciao!