Fake Smile

I'm 20 years old my whole life I've been over weight. During junior high I have been picked on, been teased. Then high school came and I wanted to be different I made a lot of friends and I was always putting on a smile but all those teasing and remarks that were said about me in junior high came haunting me. I became extremely self conscious because of that, also very shy and worst of all I cut myself. I love music and its my passion its what i want to do but my weight stops me i think to myslef why try when im going to be laughed at. i tend to keep things bottled up because i hate attention and i dont want anyone to waste their time on my problems, I had never told anyone even on this day no one knows. I have also fallen to depression to the point that i dont want to go out because of my image. When I go out with my friends I seem like a happy person nothing's wrong with me, but the truth is I'm not I'm the most loneliest person ever. My family also teases me a lot about my weight all of my sisters are skinny model figures and it makes me even more sad I tried diets and exercises but when I do them my dad starts saying that I'm just going to give up anyways he never motivates me. I grew up with my dad and sisters my mom doesn't like me at all. I don't think my dad is aware of it but when he makes remarks like " you look like Buddha " or saying " moooo" to me it hurts me really bad. When i hear things like that i comfort myself with food and thats my problem. I've thought of suicude, joked around about killing myself but I know I don't have the guts to do it, there are times when I say I really don't care if I die get hit by car anything anymore. I know how it feels like to be a victim of bullying and thinking of killing yourself because you think that you're not worthy to live or you're useless. I know I'm going to make it somehow because I have hope that one day I will win this fight and reach my goal. everything starts with one.

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