Tons of celebrities write memoirs. Even the ones who aren’t old enough to write memoirs dictate their short lives to a “co-writer” who gets it ready for Kindle consumption at rapid speed (Justin Bieber, we’re looking at you). But there are other famous folks who give fiction writing a shot and find themselves atop a best-seller list or two. Read up on a few successful celebrity authors and the books you may or may not have known they wrote!
1. Julianne Moore
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Julianne Moore published her first children’s book, Freckleface Strawberry, in October 2007 and it was an instant smash. It landed on the New York Times Best Seller list and was later adapted into a musical, further proving that having red hair and freckles makes you awesome.
2. Hilary Duff
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Um, yeah. Lizzie McGuire wrote a book. A popular one at that. Her debut young adult novel Elixir (which was co-written with Elise Allen because, let’s face it, when you think Hilary Duff you don’t think “novelist”) was released in 2010. It peaked on the New York Times Best Seller list and Duff went on to “write” two more sequels to the supernatural romance.
3. Lauren Conrad
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The former Hills reality star penned a novel that was basically a fictionalized version of her life – kind of like, well, The Hills. L.A. Candy was released in 2009, became a bestseller, and inspired two sequels – Sweet Little Lies and Sugar and Spice.
4. Lauren Graham
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We know from Gilmore Girls that Lauren Graham has a knack for spouting witty dialogue, but apparently she can write it too! Her debut novel, Someday, Someday, Maybe – about a young woman trying to make it as an actress in New York in the mid-90s - was released in 2013 and quickly entered the New York Times Best Seller list. Rory would be so proud.
5. Chris Colfer
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Talk about an out-of-the-blue success story! We only knew Chris Colfer as a singing/acting machine on Glee, but he became a bonafide author in 2012 with the release of the children’s book The Land of Stories:The Wishing Spell. He spent two weeks at the top of the New York Times Best Seller list in the Children’s Chapter Books category. All of this accomplished at the ripe old age of 22. Can you even?
6. James Franco
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That’s one way to put your many college degrees to use. James Franco released a collection of short stories called Palo Alto in 2010. And while many critics deemed it a failure, it was turned into a film…which nobody saw. Ok so maybe it wasn’t commercially successful but come on, don’t you just want to read it out of curiosity?
7. Nicole Richie
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The former party girl of The Simple Life put pen to paper (or, in a more likely scenario, hired a ghostwriter) to complete a semi-autobiographical novel called The Truth About Diamonds. The book, released in 2005, is about a singer's adopted daughter who becomes a celebutante and battles drug addiction. Sound familiar? Richie even put a picture of herself on the cover. Still, it reached number 32 in the Hardcover Fiction New York Times Best Seller list. She released a second novel, Priceless, in 2010.
8. B.J. Novak
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How do you entice kids to read a book with no pictures? Have B.J. Novak write it. The former Office star’s children’s book – aptly titled The Book With No Pictures – became a huge hit with the kindergarten set when it was released earlier this year. For anyone who thought this was an unusual career move for Novak, he’s having the last laugh – along with thousands of extremely entertained kids.
9. Ricky Martin
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Since becoming a dad, Ricky Martin is no longer livin’ la vida loca. Instead, he’s writing children’s books. His first book, Santiago the Dreamer in Land Among the Stars, was released in 2013. The picture book was inspired by his own childhood and was published in both English and Spanish. Martin previously penned his memoir in 2011.
10. Steve Martin
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This comedian takes his writing seriously. He wrote a novella, Shopgirl, in 2000, which was turned into a movie. And in 2010, he published a novel called An Object of Beauty about a young woman trying to make it in the art world.
Do YOU have a favorite celebrity author? Tell us on Twitter and Facebook!
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Bravo
If you’ve been secretly fantasizing about the Atlanta Housewives in Street Figher-like battles, then your consider your wish granted. This week marks Round 2 of NeNe Leakes’ Pajama Jammy Jam. To review… Christopher Williams grabbed Kenya Moore’s arm. This caused Kenya’s friend Brandon DeShazer to step in and promptly get smacked down by Apollo Nida and Peter Thomas. Then M. Bison stopped by and threatened to turn the world to ash.
Round 2 finds everyone reeling from what happened. NeNe is still yelling and blames Kenya. Porsha Stewart leaves because she’s about 50 percent sure someone’s possessed. She doesn’t go on record as saying she believes in ghosts but after seeing Bill Cosby die in Ghost Dad and then show up on her television she believes in evil spirits. Kenya and Brandon leave and Apollo shows off his sexy physique.
There’s a détente and peace is restored... until Kandi Burruss brings up what Natalie Macklin-Williams said about Todd Tucker. Natalie performs the 3-hit under the bus combo and shifts the blame to Cynthia Bailey. Cynthia and Kandi exchange words and hand gestures. Malorie Massie steps in to separate the two dueling ladies and that turns Kandi into E. Honda because a thousand hand-slaps start flying. However, honestly, Malorie could eat Kandi she’s so tiny. It would be like a gazelle fighting a smurf. Luckily, Phaedra Parks steps in and diffuses the situation.
In the light of day things look completely different. NeNe is emotional about her party. She blames Kenya for the drama. It’s clear NeNe has an agenda. Where does she think things will go when she brings a bunch of people with issues into one room? NeNe is the one that started pointing fingers and reading loaded questions to the group. However, since Kenya was the catalyst to the actual fight it looks like she stole focus from NeNe and released the Kraken. You don’t want to make NeNe angry.
Cynthia is not thrilled with Kandi’s behavior. Shockingly enough, Kandi isn’t either. They both recount that night’s events. Meanwhile, at Kenya’s model home, Brandon and Kenya are starting to resemble Team Rocket, the villains from Pokemon with their lame-brained schemes. They’re ultimately harmless but they keep starting unnecessary trouble. Brandon shows up with physical scars from the fight…and a police report. He’s consulted his lawyer Jacoby not Myers and if he presses charges it will be considered a felony. Apparently, one of his ribs is broken. This is starting to smell contrived, which coincidentally, smells like cotton candy and burning hair. Keep an eye out for Kenya’s new perfume Contrived at a 99 cent store near you.
Meanwhile, the divorce clock has started on Apollo and Phaedra. She seems unconcerned with Apollo’s presence or his apology. However, he did physically throw her aside to attack Brandon. But he does look good with his shirt off so maybe it’s a wash. They then discuss furries and pajama fetishists. Then Apollo apologizes (ha!) but he seems more relaxed after having instigated a full-on brawl. Remember, the first rule of pajama parties.
After a stunt casting call for Kandi’s musical, Kandi decides she needs to stage a mea culpa for the ladies. She invites them all to a spa for free massages. Unable to refuse anything free, they all show up despite their issues with each other. Cynthia avoids Kandi until she drags all the ladies together away from their free massages for tea… out of paper cups. There the ladies engage in the most ancient of reality television marital arts – the non-pology. It’s a lot like krav maga except instead of actual hits you just use indefinite words like “allegedly” and “if” a lot. The ladies finally agree that Kandi is sorry and that Cynthia is sorry if Malorie pushed Kandi.
But NeNe doesn’t care. She wants a pound of Kenya’s flesh for ruining her pa-drama jammy jam. She says Kenya manufactured the entire situation. However, given the play-by-play conveniently provided by the producers, it’s clear that Christopher did grab Kenya’s arm and Brandon did misguidedly step in. However, if anyone is an instigator its NeNe. Kenya may be an opportunist but this situation wouldn’t have been a powder keg of drama had NeNe not invited them all there. Meanwhile, NeNe starts making some borderline homophobic comments about Kenya's gay friend, Brandon. She may be a friend to gay people but she gets precariously close to crossing the line. They agree to disagree. They're lucky this isn't Mortal Kombat. Finish Her!
Talking Trash
Your hands aren’t clean they’re full of grease. – Kenya to NeNe
I just start seeing spirits in people’s faces. I wouldn’t say demons but there was definitely an evil spirit that entered their space. – Spiritualist Porsha
We all know Cynthia won’t pop a grape but we know her sister will pop off. – Kandi on her wine preferences?
I acted crazy and ratchet but, hey, I did it. – Kandi
When I came inside I saw a full-on episode of Jerry Stringer jumping up. She was acting like some ghetto-ass f**king heifer. – Peter describing Kandi
You were acting like your Momma. – Carmen
Phaedra: I’m very irritable today. Apollo: Only today?
I'm not sure I want to see Shade-dra. – Wordsmith Kenya
They massaged her so good she thought they put their toes up her butt. – Phaedra
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Paramount Pictures
Star Trek Into Darkness got solid reviews and banked a healthy, if slightly lukewarm, $226 million at the U.S. box office. But there's one group of fans who are having none of J.J. Abrams' continued retooling of the franchise. Perhaps the most important group of fans, considering that this was a Star Trek film: Trekkies. (Or Trekkers, if you find the term "Trekkie" offensive. Whatever.) This week, legions of fans dressed in 23rd and 24th century costumes assembled in Las Vegas for the Star Trek 2013 Convention, and at one panel they collectively voted to rank all 12 Trek films from best to worst. Guess what film came in dead last? Star Trek Into Darkness.
And you know what? We here at Hollywood.com agree with that. Star Trek Into Darkness is a glossily shallow overhaul of Trek mythos that pays trivial lipservice to fans (ooh, a model of the NX-01 Enterprise? That means J.J. &amp; Co. are just as big fans as we are, right? Wrong!) while striving to become some kind of machine-tooled Bourne knockoff with sci-fi trappings. While other filmmakers, especially those working for one Marvel Studios, increasingly recognize the power of going for a deep cut into geeky mythology that fans will love and bandwagoners will subsequently educate themselves about, Abrams opted for a full-scale whitewash. You get a sense that the filmmakers were so concerned about making Star Trek Into Darkness "cool" that they forgot to make it good. Here are 12 reasons why we agree Star Trek Into Darkness is the all-time worst Trek film.
1. Because The Klingons Have Never Looked Worse — No, I'm not talking about the acting of the thesp who played the Klingon who interrogates Uhura. I'm sure he has skills. I'm talking about the absolutely horrendous makeup job the Star Trek Into Darkness team gave him. Suddely Klingons have forehead ridges that extend around the back of their heads and curl around the ears as if they're cousins of the Ferengi? Abrams' reboot is supposed to rewrite the history from the early 2030s on...not alter the very genetic structure of one of the franchise's most iconic alien species! But that wouldn't even be so bad if the makeup in question didn't look like it was made of plastic.
2. Because Qo'NoS is Just an Irradiated Wasteland — Yeah yeah, I know, Khan only hid out in a part of Qo'NoS that was an irradiated wasteland. But why not show us at least as much of that planet as The Next Generation did 20 years ago? Khan obviously hid out in a dead zone just so Abrams &amp; Co. wouldn't have to engage in any meaningful worldbuilding.
3. Because There Is Absolutely No Reason Why Carol Marcus Should Be in the Film Or Why Alice Eve's Character Should Even Be Carol Marcus — Marcus was established in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan as not just one of Kirk's old flames, but someone with whom he felt he could have a child. Not only are there no such sparks between Kirk and Marcus in Into Darkness, she has nothing to do, period. She places herself onboard the Enterprise so that she can investigate the 72 long-range torpedoes her father has installed aboard the ship. We see her scanning them and she helps McCoy disable one, sure. But she's really just there so we can see her in lingerie. I mean, Trek has given us plenty of eye candy before — but rarely so gratuitously and pointlessly. Seven of Nine wears a skin-tight catsuit...but she's also just about the best character on Star Trek: Voyager, the Spock to Capt. Janeway's Kirk, and their relationship defined the heart of that show. What does Alice Eve's Marcus really add?
4. Because Uhura's a Less Progressive Character in 2013 Than She Was in 1966
Paramount Pictures
When Star Trek first aired, Nichelle Nichols' Uhura was a competent professional who was defined by her intelligence, her skills, and the ambition that saw her serve aboard the bridge of a major Federation vessel. By Star Trek Into Darkness, however, Zoe Saldana's Uhura is defined entirely by her romance for Spock. Not to mention that unlike most other incarnations of Trek, Into Darkness doesn't even pass the Bechdel Test.
5. Because Actually All the Characters Are Reduced to SNL-Parody Versions of the Themselves — Bones is an ornery quote machine. Chekov has difficulty with v's. Kirk's a reckless horndog. Screw logic, Spock's really just wanting to slug somebody. These aren't characters anymore. They're types.
6. Because Abrams Felt He Needed a Star Wars-style Canyon chase — We get it, J.J. We really get it. You like Star Wars more than Star Trek.
7. Because, Um, Why Would a Starfleet Admiral Want to Utilize the Skills of a 300-Year-Old Cryosleeper? —The idea of Peter Weller's Admiral Marcus wanting to have Khan build a new generation of ships and weapons for the Federation to fight the Klingons would be like if we decided to revive Horatio Nelson to help us build up our 21st century Navy. Maybe he'd know something about tactics, but he'd definitely need a years-long technological refresher course.
8. Because the Story of an Evil Admiral Betraying the Federation's Values While Pursuing Its Security Has Been Told So Much Better Before — See Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, the "Homefront"/"Paradise Lost" two-parter from Deep Space Nine, and the much-maligned, but sorely underrated, Star Trek: Insurrection for better examples.
9. Because the Special Effects Are as Ugly as Gagh — Somehow the epic space battles in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine were the apex of computer-generated special effects and it's all been downhill since. Abrams is trying to go for the handheld, caught-on-the-fly space battle approach of Battlestar Galactica, but he has none of the appreciation for impressionistic action that showrunner Ronald D. Moore brought to that series. (Oh yeah, Ronald D. Moore also served as an EP on Deep Space Nine.) It just makes the effects Abrams does have look cheap and like he's trying to cover them up with slight of hand.
10. Because It Just Becomes a Silly "Greatest Hits" Album of a Movie — You get the sense of little kids reenacting their favorite movie scenes with action figures. This time, though, Kirk has to die, and Spock gets to shout "Khaaaaaan!!!" Except that when Spock died, Kirk had to spend an entire movie to bring him back to life, and sacrifice the Enterprise, his Starfleet career, and his son's life in order to do it. You know, stakes. When Kirk dies there are no stakes, and a Tribble can revive him five minutes later. If Abrams can't take his own movie seriously, why should we?
11. Because San Francisco Is Destroyed and No One Seems To Care — Man of Steel may ultimately have one-upped Into Darkness in terms of destruction porn, but San Francisco still got pummeled pretty bad when Khan crashed the USS Vengeance into Starfleet Headquarters, destroying much of the city with it. Also, though Roberto Orci may claim they didn't want to cast an actor of Middle Eastern or South Asian descent as Khan to avoid stereotyping those regions' ethnic groups, why did they turn Khan into the 23rd century equivalent of a 9/11 hijacker?
12. Because There Is a Fake Khan and There Is a Real Khan — I leave it for you to determine which is which, though there is obviously only one right answer.
Paramount Pictures
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Jack Moore: a hero for all the unemployables of the world. You might not know his name, but there's a chance you're familiar with his work. Former BuzzFeed writer Moore is one of the minds behind the popular Twitter account Modern Seinfeld, which invents plot devices for the Seinfeld characters based on present day pop culture fixations, current events, and technological crazes. Thanks to his Twitter project alone, Moore has attracted the attention of the Fox network, earning a job writing for the developing sitcom Us &amp; Them, as reported by The Hollywood Reporter.
The series, which will star Alexis Bledel and Jason Ritter, centers on the theme of online romance — an appropriate subject matter for Moore, whose brand of comedy seems to be pinpointing the eccentricities in the present generation's day-to-day living. Some recent examples of Moore's Twitter, which he runs with fellow writer Josh Gondelman:
Kramer is addicted to Candy Crush, but suspects one of the levels is impossible to beat. "They're modern day carnies, Jerry! It's a con!"
— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) July 28, 2013
George is briefly implicated in the latest Anthony Weiner scandal because his OKCupid handle is Carlos Danger.
— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) July 24, 2013
Elaine's obsessed w/ the Royal Baby. Kramer takes bets on its name. J:I don't know. Ralph? K:Ralph?! You're throwing your money away, Jerry!
— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) July 22, 2013
So next time your financial analyst sister or marketing executive brother are getting on your case for wasting your time on Twitter when you should be sending out résumés and going on interviews, point them to Moore: a man who earned a coveted position thanks to his aptitude with a hashtag.
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The movie, which features the voice of John C. Reilly as computer game character Ralph, swept the board at the prestigious ceremony, scoring big wins for best director (Rich Moore), best voice acting (Alan Tudyk as King Candy), best screenplay (Phil Johnston and Jennifer Lee) and best music.
The Avengers picked up the Annie for Animated Effects in a Live Action Production, while Life of Pi won the Character Animation in a Live Action Production for the tiger.
Last year's (12) Annie award winner for best animated feature was handed to comedy western Rango, starring Johnny Depp, which went on to win same category at the Oscars.

Women will now officially be allowed “in combat,” the U.S. Pentagon announced yesterday. Hurrah! A mere 20 years after I wrote what was undoubtedly a moving (and an apparently well-before-its-time) Social Studies class report about why women should be allowed in combat positions, we have reached this important milestone in equality.
Of course, like the lifting of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, this marks one of those strange moments in history when a less-than-equal group is celebrating its members’ right to get themselves killed in war. But it is a milestone, for many reasons — from the simple acknowledgement of reality and sacrifice to the opening of real avenues for employment and promotion. This marks one more way women can no longer be “othered,” coddled and then diminished because it's assumed they can't do something just because of their gender.
And, perhaps most importantly, this could totally change war movies.
The change, naturally, will show up slowly in the military — there is not likely a line of women forming around the block at the Pentagon today, seeking these newly opened “in combat” jobs. That means it will show up even more slowly in our pop culture; but it’s bound to happen. Thanks to this and Kathryn Bigelow, we’ll probably, hopefully start to see more women sought to direct war movies, and maybe, as a result, general big-budget action movies. This is critical when directors’ box office success is tallied as a signifier for their ability to draw a huge crowd.
Zero Dark Thirty gave us the rare spectacle of a female lead — one whose gender is not that big a deal — in what’s essentially a war/action hybrid film, no doubt partly a result of Bigelow directing. We’ll likely see more of this as well, which — dare we dream? — could even open doors to female superheroes who aren’t merely sexy eye candy. In other words, maybe they’ll wear some clothes.
We’ll probably start to witness women as part of the front lines in films that depict our current and recent wars. They’ve been doing plenty of work there, anyway, and lifting the ban simply acknowledges that. Perhaps we’ll get a film that tackles the relationship tensions that spring up between men and women in the military together. (Not that this is reason not to let women serve; but it is good drama.) And how cool would a Band of Sisters-type drama be, a story of how women in uniform support each other?
HBO, I have your next Emmy-bait project.
Hollywood.com correspondent Jennifer Keishin Armstrong is the author of two forthcoming books, Sexy Feminism (due out in March) and Mary and Lou and Rhoda and Ted, a history of The Mary Tyler Moore Show (due out in May). For more information visit JenniferKArmstrong.com.
Follow Jennifer on Twitter @jmkarmstrong
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Oh, look, everyone, Real Hairpullers of Snatch Ratch Canyon got a new wig! Well, at least it got itself a brand new opening sequence and it looks like a million dollars of sparkles and paillettes and spray-on glitter and lots of flattering photos of the women shot from above like that second in the Jem and the Hologram theme song where we see Kimber from above and then she rises to spray the camera with a seltzer bottle. That's what last night was, it was Bravo spraying all of us with seltzer and then telling us to go sit on a rubber chicken. Last night's premiere was all glitz and no substance. It was just a whole lot of hair extensions wrapped around a black hole, because nothing really happened on the episode at all. Nope, nothing.
But I guess all of these things start off slowly. Well, not all of them. New Jersey usually starts out with pictures of police sirens whimpering in the wind and someone from the Teresa Giudice clan is arrested for something or somehow involved in some fit of temper that the whole season is going to build up to or be affected by. Oh, and not Beverly Hills (seriously, guys, I can not wait to be reunited with the love of my life Kim Richards tonight) which always starts with the ladies in their best gowns sitting shiva over some horrible tragedy. It's usually a death or a divorce, and sometimes it involves both.
Not Atlanta. No, you have to ease into the action of Atlanta. It's like taking a big old gulp of sweet tea while you sit on the veranda and wait for your brow to dry from just walking around your house. But none of their McMansions have verandas. They are just brick monstrosities that some developer's son made out of Legos and he decided to build them in real life with wall to wall carpeting and swimming pools in the basement. Oh, but we're getting ahead of ourselves. Yes, we're easing into it, we're easing into the season. We're getting to know our girls all over again. Let's go one at a time, shall we (and we are gonna end with new girl Kernya Mooo-ah because, oh girl).
NeNe Leakes: NeNe Leakes is rich, bitch, and we are finally starting to see that is the truth. She's so rich she either bought herself a new long, straight blonde wig like she had on Season 1 or she bought herself a do rag with a bunch of hair extensions glued into it. You know, like one of those rasta caps you buy at Spencer's Gifts that already has the dreadlocks installed. It's one of those. And Greg, her ex-husband, just loves her fake extension head. Greg wants NeNe back, because now she is famous and rich and maybe he wants a little piece. Maybe he just realized he can't live without her. Maybe he likes eyebrows that are drawn on with a thick pencil. Who knows? What I do know is that he said more words in his one scene last night than he did in every other season of the show combined.
It's going to be hard for NeNe to take Greg back though, because she is off in LA filming for her show The New Normal and having dinner with the show's diabolical creator Ryan Murphy. OK, I have a new theory about why NeNe got cast on his show. I think that Ryan Murphy wants to be a Real Housewife and this is as close as he could get. I got this transcript from a phone call he made to Andy Cohen."Andy, girl, it's Ryan. Did you find my Speedo in your Jacuzzi in the Hamptons? I don't know what I did with the thing. Anyway, sweetie, I want to be on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills."
"Oh my god, Ryan, that is an amazing idea. Now, I never tell famous people they are wrong, but, um, you're not really a wife, so I don't know if it's a good idea."
"Hello, how are you going to say I'm not a wife? I've got a husband, don't I."
"True, but you're not really, you know, a woman."
"But don't you want a gay on the show? You've always needed a gay Housewife. Andy, don't say no to me. You know I still have those pictures from when we were in Palm Springs at the White Party two years ago. I would hate to have them show up on the Internet somewhere."
"OK, OK, OK, Ryan, we can figure something out. Well, you can't be a Housewife, per se, but what if you were on one of the Housewives shows?"
"OK, that would work. It must be Bev Hills because, man, those bitches are the best."
"That's great! Why don't you give Kim Richards a guest role on Glee?"
"I can't do that."
"Why not? She's an actress."
"No, Andy, she really isn't."
"Well, what other Housewife do you love, that you want to put on a show?"
"I've always liked that NeNe Leakes, but I'm not moving to Atlanta. God, those McMansions make me want to choke on my own tongue."
"No, Ryan, I'm saying hire her on the show, bring her to LA, and then you can have dinner with her on camera, and you're on Housewives."
"Brilliant! I'm writing a part for her as we speak."
And that is how it happened. Now, there are two key pieces of information that we gleaned from dinner. One is that NeNe Leakes thinks that she is good friends with Tyler Perry which, well, of course she is. Every gay man loves NeNe Leakes, and apparently so does Tyler Perry. But they're not good enough friends that when Tyler Perry changes his phone number, he tells NeNe Leakes. Oh hell no. She gets that annoying anamatronic lady telling you that shit has been disconnected. I hate that bitch. But NeNe Leakes knows to laugh it off. That's how we know that NeNe of Keeping it Real With NeNe fame is still keeping it real. The other way we know she is keeping it real is that she will not eat the snails that Ryan Murphy (why am I using everyone's Christian and surnames?) orders at Bouchon Bistro. She was like, "I'm from the south. We eat chicken. This escar has got to to go!" OK, she didn't say that last part, I made it up. But she should have!
Kandi: Kandi with a K is starting to melt in her man's mouth, not in his hands. Yes, Kandi has a man. His name is Todd and he is hot. He's not like TV or Moviestar hot. He's not even Apollo ripped-and-tattooed-and-ready-for-a-hot-naked-guy-calendar hot. He's like the hottest guy at a party that real humans would go to. He's like real life hot. She met him on the show, which is sort of glossed over and not really explained but, man, how do you go from behind the camera on the show to in front of the camera on the show? Is he still working on the show? Does that mean that Kandi always gets a good edit? And why won't the show acknowledge it is a show? Come on, we all know it's a show, we're watching it!
Kandi also has a new house. Alright, how can we even differentiate any of the Real Househunters of Peachtree Lane's houses? Everyone one of their houses looks the same. It is a bunch of different colored bricks that is more beige than red and every single one of them looks like a page out of Bland Homes and Blah Blahs magazine. I mean, every house in Nantucket is kind of the same, but you can tell they're different, and at least they're similar in a classic, beautiful way. The Atlanta Housewives houses are all the same just as every woman in LA has the same face because they go to the same three plastic surgeons. Kandi has a new house which is actually two houses. There is a real house and a guest house, but the guest house is like across the driveway. That's not a guest house, that is like a tumor that your house can't get rid of. And it has an indoor pool in the bottom of the guest house. Oh, and the main house has a Jacuzzi room which already ! times infinity, but then it is right off the living room. Yes, that is just what I want to hear while I'm trying to watch all the episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives in my DVR is the lovely sounds of sauna jets just a-burbling in the next room.
So, yes, Kim shows up and is picking on Kandi's house because, well, Kandi's house is ridiculous and deserves to be picked on. OH! And Kandi wants a baby boy and wants to name him Kash (of Kourse with a K) which is also how she paid for her house. I just snapped my fingers. Did you hear it?
Kim: Speaking of Kim, she is pregnant again and she has to move. Did you watch Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding? Oh please, I know you did. So you know that Kim has some complicated relationship with her landlord and she wants to kick Kim out of the house. Kim says she was renting to own, but this is not like some crappy sectional you got at the Rent-A-Center in the mall, this is a house that looks like a Happy Meal box made out of bricks (it even has the two arches on the roof), you don't lease a house then buy it? If you wanted to buy a house, then you just buy the damn house, and if you can't buy that house, then you find another one you can buy and buy that house. It doesn't have to be that hard, Kim.
Kim hired a "moving organizer," which is something only a Housewife would do. This is not a real job. This is a fake job like "psychic cheerleader" (and let me tell you, I could write 5,000 words right now on that piece of work from Housewives Miami and his A-E-AAAhh-Ahhh-O-OOoooohhhh) that is some made up bullshit that does not exist in the universe. Who has that? Anyway, the moving organizer says it's going to cost K&amp;K Baby Factory $101K to move. And they don't even know where they want to move yet. But I gotta say, if Kim's storyline this year is about where she's going to live, then I am bored. Also, when she was at her house, she was clearly drinking from a Chik-Fil-A cup. Do I have to go out there and lose my gay mind on you Kim? We're boycotting! Don't you want Derek J to get married one day just so you can see the ridiculousness that is that Oompah-Loompah walking down the aisle of Candy Land? Then stop eating Chik-Fil-A. You guys don't have an Arby's? Seriously! But I know, waffle fries. But Still!
Oh, and I don't like her straight wig. Sorry Kim.
Phaedra: Phaedra wants to have dog funerals. Ugh, this is such a Housewives thing to do, like a toaster oven cook book. This is why they are always hiring people with ridiculous jobs, because they all have ridiculous jobs themselves. I usually love a Phaedra, but she needs to snatch it together and do something fun.
Cynthia: Her daughter doesn't want to be homeschooled anymore and I gotta say, Amen Praise Jesus. Can you imagine what life would be like if we start letting Real Housewives raise the next generation of Americans? We might as well just sink ourselves into the Atlantic now and just chill down there with the plankton, because that is where we are headed. And not just any Real Housewife, a RH who is a model, honey. OK? No, not OK.
Kernya Mooo-ah: Girl, this Kernya Mooo-ah is nuts. She is the kind of nuts that you see coming from like seven miles away. She gives one glinty Pearl Drops smile at you and you know you might has well be looking at a giant peanut with a cane, a monocle, and a top hat. We are introduced to her by Lawrence, She by Sheree's hairdresser and friend. Thank god he's still kicking around, because who doesn't love Miss Lawrence?
Anyway, Kernya was Miss USA, which means that, like NeNe Leakes, she is tangentially involved in the Trump Organization, which is reason enough to despise her. She was the second black Miss USA which is sort of like, well, coming in second place in a beauty contest in Monopoly. She thinks that she is a movie producers because she made a movie called The Confidant, which she also starred in along with Billy Zane and Bai Ling. This isn't even D-List. This is so far off the list, that it's not even in a notebook. It's like the scraps of dried up Kleenex and loose Lifesavers rattling around in the bottom of your purse next to the list. That's what this movie is. Not even Direct to DVD, it's like Direct to VHS Copies That A Man Is Selling On a Blanket on 52nd Street and Ninth Avenue. That's what this movie is. I mean, even the trailer is awful. Poor Billy Zane.
Kernya got a man, and his name is Walt and he owns a towing company, based on the shirt he was wearing the one time we saw him. Either that or he just wears random towing company logo shirts on TV for no good reason. Whatever. I say good for you, Kernya. Get that man with the towing company. It may not be glamorous, but as long as there are flat tires and people who don't pay there bills, there will be tow trucks.
The first reason I do not like Kernya is because she is affected. She tells Lawrence, "Oh, I love caviar, it's so good." No you don't, Kernya. You have never even had good caviar, I can just tell. You just say you like it because you know rich people are supposed to like it. And Lawrence, like NeNe Leaks says, "Oh, we don't eat that stuff. We eat chicken." That is how you keep it real. Kernya is about as real as her hair color and tinted contacts. I bet those tits are real though, and that ass and, I gotta say, damn Kernya. Kernya is the type of girl who has a security guard even though she doesn't need security because no one knows who she is. See, she is affected. Well, she does need security. She needs it to keep away all the people who want to beat her ass for being a raging bitch for no reason.
Now, in my line of work, I have come across many celebrities at different parts of their careers. Know who the nicest ones are? The ones who are really big, fat, gigantic stars. Know who the meanest are? The Kernya Mooo-ahs of the world. The people who need to prove how big they are by making everyone else feel small. This is just what she does at the Cynthia Bailey School for Beauty, Modeling, and Dental Hygiene. They are casting for the JET beauty of the week and, yes some of the girls who come through are a little busted, but Kernya is mean right to their faces. Cynthia, the marm of the Cynthia Bailey School for Blobbity Blah Blah Pretty Girls Blah, wants to be nice to all of the girls. Somewhere in there is a happy medium (and I don't mean that psychic from Long Island). There are no participation awards in modeling. It is a profession of rejection and you need to tell some of these girls they don't have what it takes. That doesn't mean saying "coochie crack" about 17 times in a row because one girl had on a really small bikini. (Also, I don't know what a "coochie crack" is – well, I know what it is, but I have never seen one – but it is really fun to say. It just fills up your mouth that that broad ooooh sound and then closes it down with the harsh K at the end. It's like snapping a towel on a hot jock's behind.)
When Cynthia finally says something about how Kernya needs to get herself together and stop acting like a total bitch in her agency, then she gets up and gives a big speech about how every girl is beautiful, even though she doesn't mean it. She's trying to take the Cynthia Bailey out of the Cynthia Bailey School for Kissy Faces and Bagel Preparation. She shouldn't be talking at all, Cynthia Bailey should be. So Cynthia gets up and says a speech and then Kernya is all critical of her speech because she said the same thing Kernya did, when Kernya had no place to speak in the first place. Oh, she is a crazy bitch. This is gonna be fun, everyone.
Kernya got out and went into her car and pulled down the visor to look at herself in the mirror. Her lip gloss was perfect, her makeup was flawless, not a hair was out of place. She felt the need to move something, so she squinted her eyes a little bit and them opened them up wider into her best "smize." "Good work today," Kernya thought to herself. "You really did it in there, girl. You showed them who was boss." She thinks, objectively, that everyone who was around her thinks so too. It is a fact that she has good taste and she is never wrong. That is a fact and you can take it to the bank and you can sell it for real estate. She doesn't know if those are real idioms but they should be. She started her car and thought about pulling away, but she was just going to idle there a little bit longer. She was just going to pause and watch everyone file out of the Cynthia Bailey School for Moving Organizers and Pet Funerals and see them all talking about her. She wanted to hear their praises. She wanted to be like Sally Field in that scene in Soapdish where she can't even get down the escalator at the mall because her fans were buffeting her with praise. She watched Cynthia Bailey walk out with her two assistants and say to them, "God, she's such a bitch," and she stopped there out in front of the school with her folder pressed up against her chest and they all did their best Kernya Mooo-ah impersonation, laughing and cackling at how awful she was.
Kernya was hurt. She burned on the inside with the fire of a thousand suns. Maybe she was bad. Maybe she was too mean. Maybe she should find a different line of work or be a better person or donate some money to a charity. She felt a pang of something in the pit of her stomach. Something she couldn't really describe, but something she feels pretty often. She felt it tickle her with its dread, like an inky black squid was trying to crush her mind from the inside. But then she banished it, she smiled at herself and she banished it. There would be no black thoughts today. After all, what do they know? Her lip gloss is perfect.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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Wreck-It Ralph lives in an arcade and while that may be a longstanding fantasy for many of the children of the 80s the shine has more than worn off for Ralph. He resides in a videogame called Fix-It Felix and has been executing the same program for thirty years. Pursuant to the game’s 8-bit edict he must endeavor to destroy an apartment building as a quirky little do-gooder with a hammer tries to repair it. Ralph is a badguy but is he a bad guy? Feeling out of order he flees the world he knows to see if he can take his unfulfilling existence to the next level.
At a cursory glance Wreck-It Ralph may seem to offer nothing to anyone bereft of a passion for classic gaming. Truth be told there are ample references to games and gaming characters and not without a deep and knowledgeable affection. The jokes don’t come from the mere appearance of these characters but also videogame fundamentals actually permeate into the traits of the film’s original characters. In fact possibly the most thoughtful nod to gaming is the jerky movements of the characters within the Fix-it Felix cabinet superbly calling back to the limited range of motion afforded to 80s-era arcade fodder. It’s a balance of overt reference and the methods by which various gaming trademarks play into Wreck-It Ralph’s overarching universe.
And that universe is precisely what will draw in even those who have never held a controller. The landscapes through which Ralph travels are varied and gorgeous: from his modest but charming 8-bit home to the dark and foreboding nightmare of Hero’s Duty and finally to the garish wonderment of Sugar Rush. There are so many styles and applications of animation at work each dedicated to the conceptual scenery changes. You don’t need to know how to play Tapper or even that it ever existed as a real game to recognize that his almost stop-motion movements clash delightfully with the CG Ralph. And no Halo or Mario Kart knowledge required to understand the depth of detail in the worlds of Hero’s Duty and Sugar Rush respectively.
But like any hardcore gamer will attest great games cannot live by rich environments alone. The best games like the best movies are founded upon remarkable characters. Ralph may be a arcade videogame villain but his appeal is as broad as his building-leveling shoulders. He represents that need in all of us to rise above our station to challenge the notion that we are predestined to one occupation or personality set. Ralph is a guy who’s bad because he’s programmed to be but he is constantly looking at the life he wants--the life of a hero--from the other side of the glass literally in fact. It’s a sweetly relatable theme that finds its way into other characters like Ralphs pint-sized nemesis Vanellope. It is from this theme that the movie derives the majority of its heart.
The voice cast here is exceptional but that should come as no surprise considering the characters seem modeled after the personalities of the performers selected or at least modeled after the characters they tend to portray. Ralph brought to life by John C. Reilly is a perennial sad sack with an awkward sense of humor that is somehow endearing. Voiced by Sarah Silverman Vanellope is a shrill snarky troublemaker who manages to be adorable despite herself. Felix is a dopey but sincere yokel…voiced by 30 Rock’s Jack McBrayer. Jane Lynch voices the bossy domineering female soldier with the endless vocabulary of put-downs. Need we say more? That’s not to say this approach is lazy; far from it. It gives the characters a fleshed-out lived-in quality.
Wreck-It Ralph significantly narrows the gap between Disney and Pixar in terms of excellence. It still seems strange to think of Disney and Pixar as two separate bodies but the fact is that as soon as Pixar made the choice to stand alone their films have outshined Disney’s by a considerable margin. Wreck-It Ralph borrows liberally from the Pixar playbook evident right from the moment the central conceit is revealed to be the bestowing of sentience and personality to inanimate entities. And like Pixar Wreck-It Ralph is at its most enjoyable and most clever when the audience experiences the functional mechanics of how these characters exist in their own world the specificity of their imagined living space and its logistics. Yet this time Disney has dug deeper than the amiable outward trappings and arrived at what makes us love the films of Pixar and quality family entertainment in general.
If there is a complaint to be had with Wreck-It Ralph it is merely that it introduces a fascinating and thoroughly entertaining concept and then limits itself to but a few outlets for its expression. The movie spends so much time in Sugar Rush and while it’s beautiful and captivating we wonder what the other games would have had to offer. It’s akin to Monday morning filmmaking “I would’ve done this” or “I would’ve done that ” but it would have been the cherry on the sundae or perhaps more appropriately the various fruits in the maze to have been able to witness Ralph’s interaction with other games.
By the time we reach the kill screen Wreck-It Ralph has used something as geeky and esoteric as the world of arcade gaming to warp us to a place of emotional resonance and utter delight. Suffice to say it has plenty of replay value.

Arrow, you’ve done it again. Each week, I keep thinking you can't get any better. And then you go and prove me wrong. Thanks for that. I love being served a big ol’ slice of humble pie on a weekly basis.
No really, I do! Especially when it’s a slice of the Arrow-is-increasingly-awesome flavor of humble pie. It’s my favorite kind!
This week’s sweet treat is brought to you by Deadshot, a hit man who uses poison bullets (if the shot didn’t kill you, you’ll be done in later by the rare form of poison) and tats his beautiful bod abs torso with the names of his unfortunate victims. While Deadshot claimed that not only did he admire Arrow’s work, but they are also both in the same line of work – taking down the corrupt men running Starling City, Arrow was quick to cut him down: Arrow fights for justice, to clean up the city, and Deadshot was just a gun for hire.
Hired by, I should add, the Bratva, a.k.a. the Russian mob. An organization of which Oliver Queen/Arrow is a captain(!!!). The mystery of his tattoos and background deepens.
While Arrow eventually killed Deadshot in their final showdown (with an arrow through his goggle… ouch), he didn’t escape from the fray unscathed. The poison bullets Deadshot uses? Arrow found out that important little detail after suffering a gunshot to his shoulder. After doing some impressive self-surgery and getting the bullet out, Oliver felt woozy. And quickly understood he had been poisoned. He ran to his fancy secret mystery box and pulled out an herbal antidote. Thank goodness he had been shot and was able to figure the poison component out, because after following Oliver to the duel between Arrow and Deadshot, bodyguard Dig was hit with a stray bullet on the sidelines. Arrow got Dig back to Arrow HQ and gave him the antidote.
Dig regained consciousness in the final 30 seconds, long enough to get an eyeful of Oliver as Arrow, and Arrow as Oliver.
And there you have it, folks. The secret is out, and Arrow gets a sidekick (maybe? Hopefully?). Dig was already wising up to Oliver’s secret, after Oliver kept shaking the bodyguard’s shadowing so expertly, and his handy throwing of a kitchen knife from across the room with such precision. Dig was the only one in Oliver’s life who noticed there was something darker brewing underneath the façade of billionaire playboy. And now that he’s been clued in to the truth, there are a couple ways Dig can react. He can go into bodyguard mode and force Oliver to give up his dangerous vigilante ways (and therefore do his job by keeping Oliver out of dangerous situations). That would only make things harder for Arrow to sneak away and do his job cleaning up the streets of Starling City. He could force Oliver to tell his family what’s been going on in some therapeutic effort. Or –and this is what I really want to see – he could team up with Arrow and become a sidekick of sorts, lending his combat expertise to Arrow’s guerrilla tactics. It seems as if this is something Oliver wants as well, seeing as how he didn’t even attempt to hide his identity when Dig woke up. He could have disappeared, worn a mask or his hood, anything to keep up the charade. But he just sat in plainclothes, waiting to present himself to Dig. Maybe he has been craving someone to talk to, and share his new life with. He certainly seemed happy to show himself – his true self – to Dig.
There is nothing better than the episode in which someone finds out the truth about the protagonist. The big reveal: it’s what entire seasons, entire series lead to. And Arrow gave us the reveal in the third episode. Awesome. I can’t even imagine where this show will take us next.
Oh yeah, some other things not including Stephen Amell’s muscles happened, like Thea spilled the beans of Laurel and Tommy’s romance (that Oliver already knew about and Laurel deduced from Oliver’s lack of reaction), Thea was perpetually wasted and acted like a sullen rich teenager, Laurel was a badass and took down a guy three times her size, Arrow asked (demanded?) Det. Lance for police force backup and actually got it (yay teamwork!), and there was not only another archer on the island, but a whole group of black ops guys! Is this the Bratva? I seriously can’t wait for the episode that focuses on what really happened on the island, you guys.
And our eye-candy of the week: Arrow is too cool to lift weights, so he lifts 3 cement cinderblocks. At once. No big deal. I wasn’t drooling. Nope.
Follow Sydney on Twitter @SydneyBucksbaum
[Photo Credit: Jack Rowand/The CW]
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