Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/A pizza a day keeps the doctor away

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The chief justice told me that this is the place to get some good advice. Please take a look at my article and tell me what to do. Thank you. President Barack Obama 12:04, March 10, 2011 (UTC)

I can get this'n. Tomorrow night at the latest. --BlackFlamingo 20:26, March 10, 2011 (UTC)

Humour:

8

Hello mysterious young noob (or sockpuppet of an anonymous older user... we'll see, if not I suppose that's a compliment). This is a pretty good article you have here. Let me take you through it section by section.

Intro
Ok, it starts a little confusingly. In what way does God throw down pizza as manna from the Heavens, as you say? It's a decent line once you've got into the feel of the article but I'm not sure it works as an opening line. The second sentence is a bit difficult to follow as well, again; how exactly does God serve man? By the time we get to the bit about us thinking up pizza it starts to make a little more sense, and I like the humorous logic that God wants us to eat pizza because He let us invent it (it makes no sense, but that's why it's funny). Generally I think there are parts of this article that are really good, but the intro seems to jump around too much. I can appreciate how hard it would be to introduce and establish a weird concept like this, but throwing in any old random lines you can think of probably isn't the best way forward. If I were you, I would simply use the intro to establish what you state in the title - a pizza a day keeps the doctor away, then segue into the explanation why, as you already do here. Make it a bit tidier. Remember, the purpose of the intro is to hook your reader into the concept, and give them a flavour of what's to come - even in such an untraditional article like this I think you should try a more traditional approach.

From what the doctor thinks
Right, a very weird section as I'm sure you're aware (in fact you probably intended it to be this way). I'm not sure it's as successful as it could be, however. The biggest issue for me lies in the poetic way you present it. It's incredibly difficult to make poems/songs work on Uncyclopedia, unless it's a really long, clever poem like UnPoetia:Well-Oiled Birds, which has a lot of great, funny lines and "feels" like a proper poem. Another obvious difference between this poem and that one is that that one has clearly had a lot more thought put into it. I'm not necessarily saying you get rid of the poem. There is something about it I like; I like the surreal scene of a professional doctor saying this. I can almost visualise him rapping it. If you could conjure more of a humorous scene here, I can see it being a lot funnier. For instance, if you had an image of the doctor, perhaps looking like a rapper(?) the reader would be more accepting. There needs to be a little bit more of a reason for it to be a poem (and I appreciate that the rhyming is all part of the nonsense, but if you could pull it all together like this I think the nonsense would be more effective). Finally, you might want to think if this would be better as just straight-up prose, but with mostly the same lines. It's up to you, obviously.

All the other sections onwards
These sections are a lot better. They're very strange but they're also very funny. I should also probably mention here that the joke where you say "the end", which perplexed and enraged me at first, starts to get really funny here. The repeated use of it is what's funny I guess, so good job there. I really like the stuff from the pizza's point of view, and although it's a joke that can get old fast you keep it fresh by doing something even more surprising and absurd like doing the air's POV as well. Again, good work.

Concept:

7

From the title onwards, the article is a truly unique one. That's probably one of the best compliments an article can get, in my opinion. A lot of users here will shoot this down because it's a bit random, and untraditional, but ultimately the key to humour is surprise - and your article has that in spades. My only issue with the overall concept is that the article kind of feels like it's in two halves. The first two sections don't really link up with each other, or the rest of the article, while everything from the pizza POV onwards is fairly consistent. So in other words, the first half is total madness, while the second half is essentially a series of different opinions from inanimate objects. The problem is that these two halves don't really gel, and you may have to choose between the two styles. This could probably be fixed quite easily by strengthening the poem section, which really stands out right now. In my opinion, there's no problem with being inconsistent, you just have to be consistent about it (if that makes sense?). To me, the article looks messy at first, and then finds it's groove about half way through. You seem to have a good grasp of how this site works already, so I will leave that for you to mull over. I can't think of any more suggestions anyway.

Prose and formatting:

7

I found a couple of spelling/grammar errors but nothing major, and nothing I couldn't fix myself. There are probably more in there, I wouldn't rely on my proofreading skills, so give it another once-over yourself, maybe even use a spellchecker if you're lazy. The formatting bugs me a little, mainly because of all the white space you've got here, caused by all the {{-}} you use. Now I realise that this is a measure to reduce image crowding (you have a lot of images for what is a relatively short piece word-wise). It doesn't ruin the article or anything, but it probably won't prove popular with the other users either. If there's a way you can alternate the images from left to right that might help, so maybe try that. It's up to you ultimately of course. The only other thing is that there are no links. Again, I know this is a non-traditional article, but it's something to think about. They certainly help everything look a bit more encyclopaedic, if nothing else.

Images:

6.5

The images are all fine, but let's go through them one at a time. The first is ok, but I would rather see an image of a real pizza than a cartoon one. Not sure why exactly, so feel free to disregard that. The one with the kid wearing the gas mask is ok, but as I said above a picture of the doctor might be beneficial, if only to make the poem fit in here better. Like the prose, the images get a lot stronger from here on.

Miscellaneous:

7.5

Overall score.

Final Score:

36

So overall one of the most bizarre pieces I've read for a while, but that is definitely its biggest strength. Generally speaking I found it really funny, and there were only a few problems that I noticed. All of this is what leads me to think you might be more experienced than you're letting on. Could it be you, Horace Donald Westenchester? Anyway, the main thing I would suggest you do here is try to tie together the two halves of the article that you have here. I can definitely see this being a VFH contender in the future. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok