Staying Home Instead

Encountering Different Expectations

From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 19 No. 3, May-June 2002, p. 102

"Staying Home Instead" is
a regular feature of the magazine NEW BEGINNINGS, published bimonthly
by La Leche League International. In this column, suggestions are offered
by readers of NEW BEGINNINGS to help parents who choose to stay at home
with their children. Various points of view are presented. Not all of
the information may be pertinent to your family's life-style. This information
is general in nature, and not intended to be advice, medical or otherwise.

Situation

I take my two-year-old everywhere
with me with no problems. She also has one short weekly stay at a community
center, where she enjoys herself socially and gets along well with peers.
I am proud of my child and of my own parenting. However, I have a friend
who told me she does not want her child to play with my daughter because
she feels her behavior is a bad influence on her child-and she implied
others feel the same. I feel this parent has overreacted to typical toddler
squabbling and behavior, but maybe there's something I'm missing. What
do you do when your child becomes a villain to other parents?

Response

You sound confident that
your child's behavior, while not perfect, is age-appropriate. Although
your friend's words must have been unpleasant to receive, it is good
that she was honest with you. Perhaps her expectations are too high
or she is worried about her child having a negative experience or being
harmed.

Some first-time mothers of
toddlers can take toddler aggression personally and judge the child
based on it, while many mothers who have already dealt with toddlers
may view toddler behavior as a phase which passes and does not necessarily
indicate future behavior. Disputes among young children are inevitable,
but can be best handled with the assistance and intervention of attentive
and caring parents.

Perhaps you could consider
discussing your thoughts with your friend and asking for specific suggestions
she may have which would allow her to be comfortable. A two-year-old
is starting to understand expectations, so discussing the rules before
entering the play date may greatly benefit you.

Quick intervention on your
part can help teach your child what is and is not acceptable and limit
negative effects on others. Taking your child with you to a separate
room when problems arise may help defuse the situation more quickly
and make your words more effective. You may also watch carefully to
try to predict and prevent negative behavior by your child. Hunger,
over stimulation, and fatigue often contribute to outbursts, especially
with young children. Breaking for a snack or leaving after a short visit
can help you all have more positive play experiences. Best of luck with
this difficult but temporary situation!

Patty M.
KY USA

Response

If you are comfortable with
how you are raising your child, if you are comfortable with how she
interacts with other children in general, if you believe your child
is learning how to socialize appropriately-because it is learned behavior,
not innate-then perhaps your friend is the one who will need to decide
what to do. Be prepared, though, because she may well decide not to
spend time with you and your daughter.

However, if you can look
at this situation from your friend's perspective, it might be helpful
for you later. There surely will come a time when your daughter is around
someone or finds herself in a situation you might not feel is a "good
influence" for some reason. Your choice then might be to avoid
that child or situation, or it might be a good time to help your child
begin making choices about what she will do when she is faced with behavior
that is different from how you hope she will act.

Sandy L.
MN USA

Response

I have three children ages
eight, four, and two and your situation reminded me of several experiences
I've had over the years with my children. When my daughter was four,
I was telling a co-worker about how frustrated I was when it became
clear my daughter was too immature for the academically based preschool
I had chosen for her. My co-worker told me how upset she was when her
first babysitter decided she could no longer watch her son because he
cried too much. When I didn't understand the connection, she replied,
"This was the first time someone rejected my child." You are
probably hurt. I would draw on the fact that you are generally comfortable
with your daughter and your own parenting.

When my daughter was four,
she also had tantrums and wouldn't share during play dates. For a time
I was angry at her as I saw two playgroups start to break up. How dare
she ruin my social life as well! In time I realized that some of the
friends we had made were destined to drift away as we made different
schooling choices and developed different parenting and discipline styles.
I was very sad to see some of my friends from my first baby drift away;
they had provided so much support for me as a new mother. At one LLL
meeting I was commenting about my daughter, "She's very immature
for her age," and a friend laughed and replied, "She's only
four!" This helped me lighten up a bit. Another friend said once
that "parenting is a process." I've always remembered that
as I've learned to forgive myself for my parenting mistakes.

When two friends I had with
my now four-year-old suddenly decided he was not a good enough playmate
for their sons, I drew on many of my previous experiences. You might
try to dialogue with the mother who is uncomfortable with your daughter,
but I've learned that not every situation is fixable. You may have to
just let it go. I would shield your daughter from your own feelings
of frustration or disappointment. Our children pick up on our own tensions
and are likely to act up more. My husband reminded me that far more
of my efforts at networking are successful than not. I redirected my
energy and time toward people with whom I felt successful as a parent.

My biggest challenge yet
is my two-year-old. He has turned out to be an aggressive toddler who
occasionally has bitten, pinched, or kicked other toddlers. I too wondered
if one mother was overreacting to typical toddler immaturity and also
wondered if I was missing something. I questioned the mothers from our
mutual playgroup and was repeatedly reassured. One mother reminded me
her daughter was a biter as a toddler. Another mother reminded me that
her toddler bonked mine on the head a few months ago. Questioning a
few mutual friends might reassure you. I would follow your toddler closely
to facilitate her interactions with peers and try to redirect inappropriate
behavior on the spot. If the mother continues to be ambivalent toward
your child, seek out friends who are more patient not only with your
daughter, but with your growth as a young parent. Now go give your little
one a big hug!

Sondra A.
CT USA

Response

I have been on the other
end of your situation in my mothers' playgroup. The group eventually
split up because of our differing expectations about acceptable behavior.
Although I don't know what your child's behavior is and how you handle
it, perhaps my experience will provide perspective.

The root of the problem was
the different expectations of what the parents' response should be to
normal childhood behaviors. While all of us agreed that the behavior
in question was normal, we did not agree that it was acceptable. Everyone
behaves unacceptably at times and we expected the mother to respond
with direct, appropriate consequences.

Some of us considered this
child's constant hitting, kicking, and tackling to be dangerous to our
children and we expected his mother to take some action quickly. His
mother (when spoken to about it several times by several mothers) believed
it to be "typical boy" behavior. She believed he only hurt
others accidentally and seemed to have a much higher tolerance for his
behavior than we did. Her response was to tell him to be more careful.

Most of us had been through
aggressive phases with our own children. During those phases our unspoken
policy was to stay on our feet through the entire play date following
the toddler around, ready to stop hitting or biting before it happened.
We would follow up with verbal comments such as, "Don't bite/hit!"
Then we would physically move the child to another part of the sandbox
or playground. If the child continued we would tell him or her we'd
have to go home if it happened again. If the child was determined to
continue, we voluntarily went home. These phases could last from weeks
to years.

My friends and I were frustrated
by what seemed to be indifference to our children's pain. your situation
may be different but perhaps talking to your friend about your differing
expectations will help you come to some sort of compromise that will
help.