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Surviving the death of loved ones is an inevitable part of living a long life. Not knowing how to cope with loss, sadness, and the feeling of being alone can leave you feeling adrift and make the grieving process even harder to handle.

Kathy Cork was 73 when her husband died three years ago from cancer of the liver, pancreas, and gallbladder. The two former teachers had been married for 52 years. She and her husband were sharing a three-bedroom apartment with their daughter at the time of his death, so although Cork did not have to move to a new residence, she also knew she couldn’t simply stay at home all day.

“You miss that person who died so much -- I think basically you have to force yourself to get out,” said the Omaha, Neb., resident.

She hadn’t driven a car for 10 years at the time, but she knew she would have to relearn that skill.

“I was so proud of myself for getting back and driving. I thought, 'I can’t not do this.' ”

Her daughter, a psychiatric nurse, was her “lifesaver” and encouraged her to stay social. Now, Kathy says she’s almost too busy, and she loves it.

“I play bridge and do activities with my widows' group and the Red Hat ladies,” she said. “You don’t necessarily talk about the death of your husband, but you know they have gone through the same experience.”

The Process of Grieving

The first rule of grieving is that there are no rules, said Toni L. Bisconti, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Akron University and a member of the research team that followed 57 widows over two years to assess their well-being after their losses. The results were published in the August 2010 issue of the journal Death Studies.

“When I do research or talk to a widow, I tell them there’s no normal,” said Bisconti. At different times, you could experience anger, denial, sadness, yearning, loneliness, and even happiness or joy over daily life and memories of your loved one, she said.

She also cautioned against putting a strict timeline on grief. “If you say, well, six months is about how long normal grief lasts, then people think something is wrong with them if they don’t feel better by that point, or if they have days before then when they are happy,” she pointed out. Traditionally, healthy grieving has been characterized as a process with an outcome like acceptance. But in reality, grief and the many emotions that color it ebb and flow through the days after a death.

Kathy’s efforts to build a social network fall in line with the results of Bisconti’s research that found most women doing well at the two-year mark. “Older women have an easier time than men because they have a lot of widowed friends,” Bisconti explained. And even if they don’t have an existing network of widows, it’s relatively easy for them to find such women's groups.

How people grieve is highly individual and often depends on the circumstances around their loved one's death, said Janet Laird, author of Surviving Widowhood with Maggie Montclair and Friends, a book of advice and vignettes built around the experiences of widows 65 years and older. Laird’s husband died after a quadruple bypass surgery when she was 49. Now 73, she said the suddenness of his death and the fact that the only widows she knew then seemed much older, added to her grief. Finances and your own health also play a role in how well you are coping with your loss, she said.

Help for Surviving Grief

Even though there might be days when you feel that you can't move on with your life, these strategies will help you process your grief and build a new normal:

•Take a grief class. This can help you understand the grieving process and also meet other people coping with loss.

•Take a deep breath. Sometimes when you are grieving you might be tempted to make big changes such as suddenly selling your home, or maybe your raw feelings cause you to lash out at others with anger and frustration. It’s a good idea to just breathe and wait for the next day, said Bisconti.

•Take care of yourself. Even as you're grieving, make the effort to meet your own health needs. This is especially important if you have any chronic health conditions.

•Set boundaries. “We talk about social support like it’s a universally good thing,” said Bisconti. But sometimes friends and family can become overbearing, trying to encourage you to take action before you're ready. It’s OK to tell them, kindly and firmly, that you are grieving in your own way and you’d appreciate the time and space to do that.

•Join a bereavement group. Talking to other people who are dealing with grief can help you see that what you’re experiencing is normal, Laird pointed out.

•Seek professional mental health help if your grief is overwhelming. Most older adults survive grief with some dark days, but a few have long-term emotional problems. If coping mechanisms aren’t working for you and you’re sinking into depression, get some professional help, said Bisconti.

•Get financial advice. If your spouse handled all your finances, you may need to get practical information on managing money and financial accounts -- sometimes even just paying the bills. Financial stress only adds to grief, noted Bisconti. Consider reaching out to an accountant or financial planner if needed.

•Forgive yourself. Grief is just one of the emotions you might feel after a death. Other emotions can run the gamut from relief (especially after a long illness or painful death) to the fear that you somehow “willed” the death, to the worry that you weren’t a good enough spouse -- and all these thoughts can lead to guilt as well. Free yourself of all these emotional burdens.

Grief can’t be neatly pinned down and described. Take heart in Bisconti’s observation that there really is no normal. It's your unique personal journey -- one that will take you on your own course.

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