The spot uses a voice over of Sutherland (or maybe he’s channeling 24’s Jack Bauer) to tell an unfolding tale of “not a girl, but the girl”: Susan Glenn. Played by actress Jessica Cook, Susan Glenn does all the things to young Kiefer/Jack’s heart a high school girl can do to a high school boy — cause earthquakes, make other women turn into screeching harpies by comparison, float tantalizingly across the street in midair while fireworks go of behind her head, etc.

At the end of all this worshipfulness we see Sutherland standing at a sink wearing a white t-shirt and saying, “If I could do it again, I’d do it differently.”