Monday, March 24, 2008

In a startling incident that has sent shockwaves rippling through the entertainment world and made hordes of fans depressed and gloomy, a piece of newly discovered footage has proved that George Lucas, the much-beloved creator of the Star Wars film series and franchise, started off in the industry by making pornographic films. The footage, discovered in a long-forgotten basement locker in Lucas' Hollywood office and entitled 'Pornstar wars : a nude hope,' is a sleazefest which may shock fans and viewers, and bring down the stock of the popular filmmaker among his peers.

The story is about a young man named Luke Streetwalker, the son of Candy Streetwalker, a 'creature of the night.' He loses his father at a very young age, when he is just over a month old, to forces beyond his control:- a storm at sea. The rest of the plot is about how Luke goes in search of his father, meets a lot of women along the way and enjoys their company.

Major elements of the Star Wars franchise can be seen in this early work of Lucas', which, many believe, is funnier and less brutal than his later works. For instance, in this movie, the father-figure, named Darth Vader, which name bears a curious semblance to that of the villain in the Star Wars movies, wears a black mask over his face, in addition to leather pants and a tight leather vest. Candy Streetwalker, apart from the pants, jacket and vest, also brandishes a sword(a surprisingly short one, admittedly) which glows at night(light saber, anyone?). And most tellingly, the Darth Vader in this film utters the following version of the later Darth Vader's immortal line:-

"Luke, I could be your father."

The full text of this line, as per the shooting script of this movie, is:-"Luke, I could be your father. But I'm not sure."

Another key plot device seems to be a small, green man who is, quite incredibly, a pimp, with his constant refrain being "Suck on this, you will."

In addition to borrowing the idea of telling the story from the two lowest characters' point of view from Akira Kurosawa's 'The hidden fortress,' Lucas also seems to have borrowed generously from this early, 'seminal,' as some punsters would say, work. Quite inexplicably, though, the theme song of the movie is "Tu pyar ka sagar hai" from the Hindi film 'Seema.' The raison d'etre for the choice of this song becomes clearer, however, when the next line, 'Teri ek boond ke pyaase hum,' is heard. Lucas seems to have begun his habit of imbibing elements of world cinema in his movies with this definitive work.

One of the stars of the film, the woman who played Candy Streetwalker, has unexpectedly turned out to be aging actress Shirley Maclaine. Experts thought this was highly impossible, considering Maclaine was born in 1838 and had disappeared mysteriously after a public screening of 'Terms of endearment'; but x-ray analysis of the frames proved that what they initially thought was an aged, peeling wall in some of the scenes was, in fact, Maclaine's face. The scenes with Shirley Maclaine in tight-fitting clothes and a whip in hand has already sent Internet viewers into spasms of pain, with many reporting seizures and fits of blindness. "It's the most ghastly thing I've ever seen!" gasped recently-returned Scottish tourist Sandeep Sharma, of Kasavanahalli, Maddur district. "I mean, I was online searching for por--interesting Internet memes. And this thing came along."

"I may never have children because of this" he added, surprising no one.

Other viewers have reported similar reactions. Popular Internet user Naveen Menezes, a Christian, said this had disturbed him more than the sudden sight of Madhuri Dixit in 'Aaja nachle.' "That was just for a brief few moments in the promos," said Menezes from his plush Rabindranath Tagore Nagar residence. "This is far too real. I wanted to watch a horror movie with my friend Shamsher Singh. He is now in hospital with epilepsy. Maclaine should be banned. Or kept in a museum. Like that Rekha woman."

This footage's discovery has left some fans shattered, while it has brought relief to many. "Thank God!" said G. Shanmugam Iyer, an ardent World of Warcraft fan from Indiranagar. "We now know that even Lucas is just human. For a while, I was afraid he was the spirit of Xenu. What a relief. Now I can get back to my life," he said, turning back to his monitor. Meanwhile, Counterstrike fan J. Somayajulu of Gandhi Bazaar has declared a day of mourning after this revelation, stating that this was a definitive act of betrayal by one of his heroes. "I can never be sniper after this," choked a tearful Somayajulu("Jules" to his friends). "My whole belief system has collapsed." Minesweeper, Freecell and Solitaire veteran Abdul Narayan D'Souza of Cubbonpet refused to comment, stating cease-and-desist notices.

What about the two sequels -- "Pornstar Wars - The Pimp's Ire Strikes Back" and "Pornstar Wars - Return Of The Transvestite"?

I personally believe that, shocking though they are, the above mentioned movies are Lucas's best attempt at rendering unto cinema the social circumstances in which pornstars existed, multiplied and thrived, a la Bergman and Kurosawa.

Return of the Transvestite reflects great precision on what happens when cross-genders are crossed by society. :P