Television: My Kitchen Rules Power Rankings, Week Two – It Puts the Lotion on the Cake

Alex Casey delivers her power rankings for week two of MKRNZ, including Laurence’s new character ‘Stace’ and the worst restaurant theme television has ever seen.

We’re in week two and I’m just so glad that we are all becoming friends. The contestants are letting their guards down, warming up to each other and repeatedly touching the judges’ knees under the table. Travelling to Hawkes Bay and Rangiora, almost every single person on this show has lost their damn nut at this point. From Paul’s impersonations to Jeremy’s mouth orchestra, here are the power rankings for week two of the greatest show on Earth.

1) Laurence and Paul

Laurence and Paul are officially at the bottom of the leaderboard, which officially gives them first place in the rankings. I don’t know what it is about these two, but every time one of them is on screen my heart just explodes with insurmountable joy. This week we found the Paul is not only a softcore cow porn artist, but a speaker, writer and budding thespian.

He proved his mettle to the group by whipping out a full-blown character called ‘Stace’. “He’s exotic,” says Paul, after doing a lot of hand flourishes. Talking of weird hand placement, the magic of television made it look like he was resting on a glass which cheered me right up:

There was a lot of lewd talk from the boys this week, with Laurence dirtying up dessert by saying “I love a good tart”, his cheeky eyes darting round the table. They both discussed their bums over dinner, with Paul saying he had “a bum like a Russian gymnast” and Laurence revealing that his butt works as an extra cushion. When Henry set the steak on fire Paul couldn’t resist. “I love a man who knows his way around an open flame,” he crooned. It’s impossible to know at this point if he was in character or not.

2) Monique and Henry

We headed to Hawkes Bay on Monday to do crossfit with Monique and Henry. “MKRNZ is just like crossfit,” Henry reckoned, whilst Monique sat silently in her violently branded crossfit t-shirt. For my money, MKRNZ is more like Zumba – a few people go hard out but most people are just down for a laugh and a wiggle.

Cooking up a hearty feed of family-inspired kai, Henry took to the Stevens knife set with ease, brandishing a butcher’s knife around because it was “just like a patu.” After exploring local produce havens like the utopian looking “Aunty’s Garden”, Monique and Henry were ready to welcome guests to their instant restaurant ‘Mīharo’. “How cute” sniffed Cheryl from Christchurch.

Overall, the legendary team came away with a score of 72 after some perfect paua, wagyu beef and elegant coconut cake. I hope they stick around long enough to get Gareth doing some crossfit with giant pumpkins.

3) Travis and Jeremy

The lads haven’t even cooked yet, but that won’t stop me powering them far above their post. This week they were on absolute fire, from the moment they sat down at the table wearing matching waiter outfits:

Travis got very hungry after his first course, to the point where we exclaimed “I could eat the crutch off a low-flying duck,” a saying that I have never heard anyone say ever before that will be etched into my mind until the day that I die. Jeremy did some heavy lifting of laughs as well, speculating that the lemon balm on Monique’s cake might be “like a hand lotion.” I don’t think either of them know that they are on a cooking show yet.

Finally, we got to see more of Travis’ tatts, whether we liked it or not. Wearing a short-sleeved shirt, he sheepishly showed his sleeves to the over-eager guests. When asked about the meaning of the large Maori pattern on his bicep he muttered that he had spent time overseas, and wanted something that reminded him of “just family… just New Zealand”. Travis is the official winner of Most Likely to Have Done a Tense One-Man Haka at Heathrow award.

4) Ruth and Cheryl

Sometimes I think Cheryl has lost her marbles, especially when she was nattering on about the Middlemarch ball and talking to her lemon tart like it was her closest confidante. Ruth and Cheryl are just absolutely classic, right down from the dangly butterfly charms on the rear view mirror to their Bob Marley tea towels.

Ruth and Cheryl’s instant restaurant was called “Table”, which made me sit upright in my seat like a meerkat watching a meteor hurtle toward Earth. Table. The main decoration, apart from the very rare feature of a table, was stock imagery of black and white tables plastered on the walls. “You can eat wherever you like, but we like to eat at a table” Cheryl explained.

I think Monique summed it up best when she said, “I don’t get it.” To make up for the spellbindingly boring theme, the pair delivered something called “Forbidden Rice”, which I understand to mean 100% cursed rice. RIP MKRNZ 2015.

5) Hannah and Cathy

They remain the unchallenged, unprecedented cooks of MKRNZ 2015, but Hannah and Cathy still can’t hold a hell of a lot of screen time. It’s a shame because they have the most interesting relationship and backstory (colleagues at a high risk correctional facility). Hannah had the How Embarrassment of the Week when she slammed people who serve food on wooden boards.

Keep up these kind of exciting Ben Bayly negs, and you’ll be right up there in no time. Oh, and keep cooking good I guess.

Honourable mention: Ben Bayly schooling us on the flash way to say ceviché

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