Trojans

ME: UCLA beat USC
HIM: Fuck you, and the rest of you UCLA people.
ME: I’m not a UCLA person
HIM: You work there. You are a UCLA person.
ME: No, I’m a Michigan man. I do NOT care about ANY college but my alma mater….Michigan who killed Iowa today.
HIM: So fucking what… and you went to UCLA too.
ME: Just for my post doc, and that was their medical school… doesn’t count.
HIM: Yes it does. And again Fuck you.
ME: I thought you didn’t care about football. (enjoying his anger)
HIM: I don’t. I’m not like you. It just annoys me to lose to the University of Caucasians Lost Among Asians (UCLA)
ME: People who attend the University of Spoiled Children (USC) should not throw stones. (Drilling for a nerve)
HIM: University of Spoiled Children? University of Spoiled Children? Is THAT what you think. (Eureka! found that nerve) I was NOT spoiled. I’ll tell you who was spoiled… YOU… Mr. president of this, captain of that… Oh look at me I’m SOOOO special…
ME: I won’t apologize for being ambitious.
HIM: Well how about apologizing for being an arrogant, overachieving, asshole. And an annoying obnoxious BITCH!
ME: Bitch? Moi? Are you trying to tell me you’ve become a good judge of character in your old age. Do you think that is a positive consequence of the hair loss, or just a lucky collateral effect of those crows feet. (Struck a MAJOR NERVE)
HIM: I don’t have crows feet.
ME: Well technically no, because crows don’t have 13 toes… (start humming the UCLA fight song)
HIM: You know if I killed you, no jury in the world would blame me.
ME: (Continuing to hum the UCLA fight song)
HIM: You know I’ll go over to UCLA and blow that ugly ass bruin statue up and bring one of the paws back here and beat you senseless…
ME: (laugh) well I suggest you bring Tommy Trojan and a bunch of friends… but you’re welcome to try.
HIM: FUCCCCCCCK YOU! (Slams the door and leaves. A second later I see my Michigan Flag flying across the lawn… two seconds later i see it flying up in the air, I hear a thud on the roof)
ME: (Thinking: It’s a good thing he doesn’t care about football…)

About The Author

drbillyg

Dr. Gordon’s blog, Obesely Speaking, on Psychology Today, has over a quarter of a million readers, and he has an equally popular blog on the Huffington Post. Most recently Dr. Gordon was honored by being included on the list of the “The World’s 30 Most Influential Neuroscientists Alive Today.“