03/16/2010

Hell is other people: Hawksmoor, Shoreditch

"Best steaks in London", people say. A statement that should always be met with a suspicious stare and cry of 'ohhhhhh REALLY?'. You can accompany this with a sneer, if you wish. Perhaps a single arched eyebrow. However, in this restaurant's case, the reckless assertion may very well be true. But, as the old saying has it, 'what profits a fine steak, if your fellow customers are irritating as all hell?'

The main room of this modish munchery is very crowded. It's
got a middling to sophisticated look done out in soothing wood tones, like a colonial club - but the loud birthday party
at the largest table in the joint and the incredibly raucous acoustics remind me of the Chilis
chain of nacho and burgeries I frequented as a teenager. There's a place for
this, but it's not when I'm shelling out £45+ for a meal. I don't mean
to be misanthropic (although I'm more than happy to be) but
the singing of happy birthday, sparklers in cakes and unbridled hoots of laughter made me
curl my lip. And not into a smile.

At
the table squashed mere inches to our right is a couple who are having a very sweet meal,
civilised conversation, and prawn cocktail. They are good as gold. I
nearly lean over to thank them personally. Why this pathetic gratitude?
Because on the table on the other side are Hank and Julie.

Hank
and Julie have been on dates before. Julie is skinny and sharp. Hank is American and clearly works
in finance. He is grimly and methodically getting
drunk. They grope each others' legs feverishly under the table.

First: drinks. The cocktail menu trumps the
main menu's wordcount by a factor of about 5:1, which is funny because
the restaurant doesn't seem a cocktail kind of place - far too much
dark wood and testosterone. However, the list reads like a dream,
grouped knowledgeably into cocktail families and featuring both
remembrance of things past and some innovative combos. My Hawksmoor
Fizz was a startling confection of rhubarb puree, gin, egg white and
cream, which robbed it of the usual tartness of the fizz/sour family.
Frothy and foamy and, curiously, brought to me in a tumbler that appeared
to be a souvenir of a 1980s beach holiday, it was an extremely silly
drink. But it tasted like liquid pavlova and was quite delicious.
I would have ordered more, but at the usual £7ish/time it was essential
I stayed sober to keep bankruptcy at bay.

I order the
Jerusalem artichoke salad. This is one of my favourite vegetables, with
its earthy creaminess and sweet aftertaste, and this salad did it
proud. The artichoke was hiding under some puy lentils, and wilted
watercress, with grainy mustard dressing giving the necessary bite. Mr
DDD's half dozen native oysters were pronounced very fine, and
surprisingly reasonable at £10.

It takes an age between starter and main course. It is terribly hard not to be drawn in to the kitchen sink drama next door.

Hank
is warming to a theme and gestures unguardedly, sending his miniature bucket of triple-cooked
chips flying over the floor and Mr DDD. His eyes are at half-mast. He clearly has given up giving a fuck and is getting dangerously close to proper straight talking, which is to say, abusive. The car crash continues: "Will you be honest with
me?" "Yeah, but will you be honest with me?" "I don't know how to be
around you" "Oh c'mon" (more hand-clutching and leg-fondling).

We
have gone for a rib-eye (me) and a 55-day aged rump (Mr DDD). They come
by themselves, with the sides in small bowls. I look enviously at
others' sharing steaks, which are cut up for them. However, one's own
personal steak is not to be sniffed at. I sniff at it. Delicious.
Charred, bloody. Mmm... And to taste. Ok, it's incredible. Given
the depth of beefiness only proper hanging can achieve, it is tender
and intense. Mr DDD's rump steak tastes, I hate to admit, even
better.

"Why, have you slept with lots of men?" I sink my head between my hands to try to block out the conversation.
"Look, she's going 'oh my god''." They are talking about me. "I don't give a fuck." My ears are, at
this point, about two foot from Hank's flushed face.

"I'm being accused of something I didn't even do." Hank is trying to
clutch Julie's hand. Julie is very angry. She should leave. She
doesn't. They sit in tense non-silence. The row continues. Hank says
'fuck' every second word. He tries to grab her hand again. She pulls
away, revulsed.

For sides, the baked sweet potato comes whole
and is of perfect texture, though an absolute cheek at about £4. The macaroni cheese (which I got simply
because I couldn't resist the sheer demented luxury of having the two
finest dishes in the world in one meal) is ok, but made with tiny
soup rather than elbow macaroni and set with little sauce, which is
also not quite cheesy enough. But when I slather the bearnaise which comes with all steaks on the meat, it's a fatty richness so unctuous I can
scarcely bear it. We finish the steaks - let me assure you, this is a nothing less than heroic triumph of tastebuds over stomach capacity.

Julie goes to the loo. Hank phones someone and talks about how he's going to have sex.

We cannot eat pudding.

Hank stumbles to the loo. Julie pays the bill, or at least her half of it.
The waitress looks sympathetically at her. "Good luck", she says.
Mr DDD returns to the table with the information that Hank is throwing up lavishly
in the loos.

Oh yes, be assured, this place does a great cocktail and simply phenomenal
steaks. But they are from everyone's favourite butcher the Ginger Pig. Given the clattery, shrieky
godawfulness of the other diners, I am tempted next time to nip down
Borough Market, and make myself my own slice of heaven. I'd make a better mac & cheese, too.

As we leave, we pass Hank and Julie at the bar. They are getting more drinks in.

Comments

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Great review! Very entertaining; those other diners sound like a nightmare, but I'm glad that they couldn't completely spoil your evening.

I kind of agree with what you're saying though, and I often get the feeling that if I were to buy steaks from the Ginger Pig, it'd save a lot of money. Then I realise that going to a place like this and getting the steak cooked on their grill is one of the joys of the place, and the sides (not tried the mac and cheese) and drinks are also very enjoyable.

Thanks for the compliment - nice blog yourself! I've bookmarked it - looks like it could come in handy as I work close-ish to King's. Off to the India Club Strand Continental tonight, which I'll write up.

Thanks for the post, and so sorry that you had to sit next to people who ruined your meal. Will be sitting down with the manager today to talk about whether they should have been asked to leave (or at least keep it down!). Do you have a view?

Also in regard to the general noise level this is something we're looking into at the moment, but next time if you ask for a quiet table the are in the back is generally quieter and we don't play music at the moment there.

Hi Will - in fact, they weren't being very loud, but the tables were very close so one can't help but hear people having a row and commenting on you. The waiting staff can't be expected to babysit so no, not the restaurant's fault (apart from the closely spaced tables).
We were in fact in the back room, and I do think the noise was too much.
But like I say, great steaks. I'm planning to pop over again to try out the brunch menu this weekend - I expect it'll be quieter.

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