Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Would You Read On? hosted by Diana Flegal

It is time for First Pages, Would You Read On? Let us know what you think of today's courageous writers first page. This is written for the 7 - 11 year old reader, so please keep that market in mind as you read.

Chapter 1

“But why can’t we go, too?” Madeline whined.

Madeline Anastasia Theodora Star, or as she liked to be called Mat, and her younger brother, Danny, wanted to go along on the missionary trip with their parents, however, they both knew they couldn’t go.

“You know we’re going away for three months this time,” Mom said. “Next time, when we go on a shorter trip, you two can tag along.”

“You kids will be going on your own exciting adventure,” chimed in Dad. “You guys are going to Grandma Theodora’s house for the summer.”

Madeline was named after both of her grandmothers: Anastasia and Theodora. They had not seen Grandma Theo since Mat was four and Danny three. Now, Mat was 10 and Danny was 9 and they thought that staying at their Grandmother’s house all summer would be totally lame.

“But Dad, there’s probably nothing to do there and we’ll be bored.” Mat stated.

“Yeah,” Danny agreed, “Staying with someone old all summer is no fun.”

“Danny,” Dad scolded, “She’s your grandmother and we are all a family that loves each other. Besides, Grandma Theo can’t wait to see you guys. She’s been telling all her friends about you.”

Oh great, Mat thought. Pinched cheeks and gray-haired people telling you old-time stories all the time was not her idea of fun. This was sounding worse and worse by the minute.

“We leave in two days, so pack your bags for the beautiful town of Turtle Creek in upstate New York!”

“Ugh!” Mat and Danny both agreed- this was going to be their worst summer ever!

Last weeks First Page submission was from published author Eddie Jones. Just one of his WIP's in progress. Congrats go out to Eddie on his recent sale, a 3 book Middle Reader Mystery series sold to Zonderkidz's. If you are the parent or grandparent of a child this age, be sure to check out Eddies books. They offer a fun read to children of all ages. :-)

He appreciates your comments and suggestions, many of which were posted on FB under Diana's post of this page.

12 comments:

The other thing is that I have the feeling that there's nowhere the author can go with this. It's like they're sitting around talking about doing something, but they aren't actually doing anything. Get to the action already.

I'm with Sharon. It's got potential, but needs some polishing. The second sentence, for example, should probably be two if not three sentences. I do love the Grandma's names, though! And as I channel my inner 10-year-old, I find I want to know what's going to happen at grandma's house.

I find that I’m more interested in the parents. By “interested” I mean that I’d like to smack them upside the head a few times. I mean, what kind of parents flippantly go off on a three-month trip and leave a 9 and a 10 year old with someone they haven’t seen in six years. Three-months is a very long time for a 10 year old. That’s not to mention that there’s something wrong with people who want nothing to do with their parents for six years, but as soon as they need a babysitter they come crying. Probably not for 7-11 year olds, but Mom and Dad are certainly the more interesting characters in this bunch, just because they’re so messed up.

Okay, I will have to add that it did not add up that if it was a quick trip the kids could go, but on a longer one they could not.As the mother of missionaries this is not how my own kids do. So that part did not ring true. There has to be a more compelling reason for them to be left behind.

However I think there is something in store for the kids at the grandparents house and I am still curious to see what it is.

Way to go, and congrats to Eddie, author last week. Huge congrats. To this one, one of my pet peeves is reading the same word over and over. So, even though I knew something cute was coming, I couldn't get past the words:go going go go go go. Once I see the same word a couple times and then I see again, I want to suggest some alternatives. I do want to find out, however, what happens when the kids GO to grandma's...

I see nothing wrong with where I think this story is going, I just think it starts too soon. The major conflict should be between Grandma and the kids, so I would like to see the story begin when they arrive at Grandma's house. It wouldn't hurt to leave the parents out of the story completely. The author might want to study the book Holes. It is an excellent example of this plot in a different setting.

MEET THE HARTLINE AGENTS

Joyce Hart, Owner and principal agent

Joyce Hart, owner and principal agent of Hartline Literary Agency has been a literary agent for more than a decade. She was formerly the vice president of marketing of an inspirational publishing company and as the president of Hartline Marketing has nearly thirty-two years of successful experience marketing and promoting books. Joyce has been a pioneer in selling high-quality fiction to the inspirational market and has built an excellent rapport with leading inspirational publishers. A member of ACFW, and the National Association of Professional Women, Joyce is a graduate of Open Bible College, Des Moines, IA now merged with Eugene Bible College in Eugene, Oregon. Joyce is based at Hartline Literary's Pittsburgh headquarters.

Diana Flegal, Agent

Diana currently lives in Asheville NC. A Bible College major in Missions and Anthropology, Diana has been a medical missionary to Haiti, a women's speaker and bible study leader. One of her life's highlights has been teaching apologetics to high school students as preparatory for college. Avid reader and intuitive editor, Diana's represents nonfiction and well written fiction. She has a passion for getting great writers published.

Jim Hart, Agent

Jim Hart is looking for authors who can write unique and engaging fictional suspense, romance, women’s fiction, historical fiction and some sci-fi. Jim is also interested in non-fiction regarding church growth, Christian living, and self-help. Keep in mind that non-fiction topics require a certain level of credentials, experience and expertise. The author will need an appropriate platform to present a non-fiction proposal.

Currently Jim is not looking at children’s, young adult or Biblical fiction proposals.

He holds a degree in Production Journalism and worked for twenty years in direct mail advertising before taking a job with an urban social services agency, where he worked for twelve years. All during his professional career, Jim has served with the local church doing youth ministry and music/worship ministry. He is a credentialed minister with the Assemblies of God, and serves part-time as Worship Pastor in his local church in Southwestern Pennsylvania.

Linda Glaz, Agent

Linda is an experienced editor, reviewer and writer, and for a couple of years was a final reader for Wild Rose Press, then for White Rose Publishing and she worked as an editorial assistant for Hartline Agent Terry Burns. She has judged for numerous contests including the Genesis for the American Christian Fiction Writers, as well as the Emily Award for the West Houston Chapter of the Romance Writers of America. She has been on the faculty for Faithwriters.com annual conference, Maranatha, and is slated for numerous others in 2013. Linda understands writers because she's a writer herself with 4 books releasing in 2013.linda@hartlineliterary.comhttp://lindaglaz.blogspot.com/

Andy Scheer, Agent

Andy has a wealth of experience as a publishing professional with over 18 years as the managing editor of Moody Magazine, 8 years as the managing editor for the Christian Writer’s Guild, and as a free-lance writer and editor. He is a frequent instructor at writing conferences around the country. A journalism graduate from Colorado State University, he also attended Denver Seminary. Andy is a consummate professional and will be a great addition to the Hartline team.