We all know Tuesday is Dick Day, one of the oldest of all the Holidays, and many of you will be asking yourselves How shall I celebrate Dick? What has Dick done for me this year? Should I encourage friends to come over for a Dick Day Party or should I throw a Dick Day Dinner? The answer is Yes but be careful. Alcohol and antlers do not mix.

Here are a few “tips” to make your Dick Day go with a Bang.

You may send Dick Day cards, or wear Dick Day Shirts, or dress up and surprise your friends before Dawn with the traditional “Oy mate it’s Dick Day” greeting, where you bare your buttocks to their doorway, but do be careful: antlers can be painful.

If you want some handy tips, Martha Stewart’s “A weekend of Dick in the Hamptons” is a dandy guide to this holiday. Martha finds Dick “a bit of a handful. So many people expect too much” she says, “that it can often be disappointing. The secret is in preparation,” she says and Martha has a secret preparation that helps.

“Spotted Dick is a traditional British food,” says Martha and “I have Spotted Dick this morning.”

Martha shares this recipe and thousands of others from around the world. “People celebrate with all kinds of traditional foodstuffs: Coq au vin in France, Potted Dick in Oslo, Peking Dick in China, and in Spain, Paella with antlers.”

Historians disagree as to the origins of Dick Day, which has been celebrated for centuries with traditional dances, odd songs, and peculiar foodstuffs. Some believe it was the Vikings who regularly invaded the British Isles in search of a game of Bridge. “It’s Dick Day Schmucks” they would yell in Vikingese stepping ashore with swords in their other hands; and Dick Day is still celebrated in Scandinavia, by bringing out the Dick Stick, and using it for a dance with antlers.

“Bist du Dik ou Bist Du Doek? “ is the traditional chant which roughly translated means “Are You Dick or Are you Duck?”

If you answer “I am Dick”

Then they will hit you with their stick

But if you answer “I am Duck”

Then they sing “You’re out of luck!” and hit you with their stick.

Nobody knows why.

In St. Petersburg they dance around a Pole (or Latvian) slapping each other with Dicksticks, or Schlappeschticks, (thought to be the origin of slapstick.) Again antlers may be involved.

In Cumberland people race through the streets wearing blue bells and singing the traditional Dick Song: “Bring out your Dick!”

If you have no Richard in the house you must say

“Move along for one thing’s clear

We have no wee Dickie here”

And then you must offer them porridge.

In Poland on Dick Day people hide a spare pair of glasses in a cellar or closet, to keep away short sighted evil spirits.

In Catholic Spain there is a traditional display of Bell ringing followed by hand wringing.

In Iceland people spend Dick Day getting warm. Dick cake is still cooked in Edinburgh and handed out to passers-by willy nilly, while nearby Glaswegians give each other hangovers on Dickmanay, for nothing says Dick quicker than alcohol.

In Norfolk young girls chant

“O I am sick of Dick

Give me a Peter or a Thomas quick!”

before swallowing the traditional Dick Drink (a mixture of Pims Cup and petrol) and playing traditional games like Bobbing for Bananas or Pin The Tail on the Transvestite.

There are too, traditional Dick Day jokes. These two are my favourites.

1) Are you a Dick?

Yes

Oh. ha ha.

And the second, almost as funny.

2) Are you a Dick?

No

Oh. Pity.

These jokes never tire.

In Nevada at the famous Burning Dick festival they will torch replicas of famous Dicks. Here are the most popular from last year

1) Richard Simmons

2) “Tricky Dickie” Nixon

3) Little Richard

4) Keith Richards

5) Dick Cavett

6) Moby Dick

Again antlers can be involved. But do be careful: Marriage and antlers do not mix.

This week celebrate Dick Day by downloading What About Dick? Eric Idle’s new comedy musical thing with Russell Brand, Billy Connolly, Tim Curry, Eric Idle, Eddie Izzard, Jane Leeves, Jim Piddock, Tracey Ullman, and Sophie Winkelman available for only six bucks from Whataboutdick.com