We snuck into the Weinstein Oscars party by entering through the service entrance and hiding in the bathroom. It ended with us eavesdropping on Harvey—who introduced his kids with "these are my fucking children"— and getting banned.

From Tom Ford's presence anyway.

We got into the Weinstein Co. pre-Oscars party, which was held at Soho House, by sneaking in through the service entrance and jumping into an elevator, then hiding under a set of stairs and in the toilet until it was safe to emerge. Several conversations with staff were involved, too. Thank fuck it was raining because you can always talk about the weather. Our entrance was ultimately five times faster than it was for the genuine celebrities who had to wait up to 30 minutes and deal with cameras.

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We mainly enjoyed the raw bar (see above), opulent oyster canapés and free booze. By the end of the night we couldn't count the A-listers drinking and cavorting. But we'll give it a go: Leonardo DiCaprio was trying, wildly unsuccessfully, to hide under a baseball cap. Adrien Brody was making out with some girl in a white dress by the bar. Jake Gyllenhaal was in an intense conversation by the couches. Olivia Wilde was walking around looking heart-stoppingly marvelous. Scots Dougray Scott and Gerard Butler were being Scottish. Ryan Gosling strolled in as the place was closing. Woody Harrelson gave us rolling papers, Kevin Connolly tried to push past us at the bar, Zachary Quinto rocked an awesome trench coat and Tom Ford promised to send us a suit. Although he never took our address, perhaps because, when we asked him about the scandal of the Weinstein Co. selling A Single Man as a not-gay movie, everyone freaked out and we were banned from his presence.

We also did some eavesdropping. Gabourey Sidibe was talking about some guy who, it seems, is stalking her. Harvey Weinstein talks only in ridiculous big-shot clichés. At one point he was walking past the couches on which his kids were seated, gestured to them and said, "These are my fucking children." Later he was overheard telling some enormous dude that "if you come to my place, you better fucking respect me." Towards the end of the night he stopped Brian Geraghty, young star of The Hurt Locker, with the two simple, career-making words "you're next." Harvey is also happy that Laurence Fishburne likes some new script they're working on. He did not use the word fuck, but we're sure he meant to.