Monthly Archives: August 2009

i happened to open a folder with my old photos of the previous 2 years, and looking at old photos never fails to bring back the nostalgia and memories. i seemed to happy then, and it seems like everything was going great.. and i couldn’t help but think whats wrong with me now.

i missed the people, the fun i had at ben & jerry’s, some pretty awesome friends who are no longer around..some who have chosen to walk away, some just went abroad and never came back. and its really sad and amazingly fast how someone can come into your life and the next thing you know it they’ve no longer been in it for years.

i had a pretty good friend whom we used to do everything together with. things i never expected anyone to like as much as i do. things that would see plain dumb and boring to most. and sometimes it’d just be doing nothing at all. but it was always pleasant. it wasn’t always all crazy fun, neither was it boring. i remember i always felt comfortable and at ease.. least i was just my silly self. and its funny how we used to kid and say our friendship was based on the $3k worth of clothes i had him to carry for me on my sourcing rounds for my shoots back then. there was never any pressure or planning when we’d decided to hang out. it was always spontaneous and effortless.

i saw photos of what we used to do. the fun we had, and our emo times. and sadly i never got to appreciate the time we hung out, and it was all over way too soon. its always so sad how fast someone can just change and become a complete stranger over night. i missed having him there, missed his half smirk and smarty dissing comments, i missed nagging at him to smoke less, and i missed our half awkward yet calm silence. if its anything, i’d miss how effortless hanging out with him was. even though there wasn’t any romantic feelings whatsoever involved, or any that i was aware of; it was always simple, sweet, and imperfectly perfect.

there are times that i do think of him, and times i’d even wish all these would come back. and even more times that i think about what the hell went wrong. its always so so crazy how one simple rumor can just kill something like that. the simple twist of the malicious tongue can be like a wildfire which destroys an entire forest. i regret not appreciating the way things were, and wish it was different. but things are the way they are. perhaps our paths weren’t meant to cross anymore, perhaps we both took separate paths after a while now that i look back at the photos from 2 years back, the you that i bump into on the streets seemed so so different, its like i never knew you.

i miss that laughter,
i missed that smile.
i missed what seemed like forever,
even though it lasted for a while.

procrastination has ate me up, and so did my bed. i can’t believe i spent the entire day sleeping. waking up, and then falling back asleep again. its crazy. i dreamt of so many weird things. so so many different ones. it was freaky.

i hate it how trapped i feel staying at home. it feels almost suffocating, and i feel like im in prison. i totally loathe being at home all alone. ok maybe all alone at home is better than when everyone else is home.

lately things have reached such a point of stagnation that it isnt even funny. i feel like im not going anywhere, and whatever i see or do just seems for the moment, and ultimately deems meaningless. its like i want so much more, i know i can do so so much more, yet its like im being trapped and i dont know why. its really really frustrating, running all around in circles. the unfortunate fate of existentialism.

i really can’t stay home. it makes me depress.

everything else is put on hold cuz ive not been in any mood to do anything let alone write.