Experienced a...religious epiphany, then started thinking of suicide again.

Okay, so this is a little weird, but not for me, really. I've had similar experiences before. Keep in mind I'm a psychotic manic-depressive.

So I was in bed one night after getting a physical to make sure I was healthy enough for ECT. I tend to spend some time reflecting before falling asleep. And all of a sudden, I had this intense religious euphoria. I realized I had been put through all this pain in my life for this one moment. I realized I was a son of God, and that He had been protecting me the entire time. Always watching over me, always keeping me safe, all so that I could fulfill my divine mission. I used to think God wanted me to commit suicide, but at that instant it was the opposite--I had been held back by Him. I knew then that I was invincible, that no one could harm me, and the First Cause had already guaranteed my success. I had the urge to call my psychiatrist, to tell him that I knew now what I was supposed to do, that I had been reminded that I was the son of God. I didn't do that because I had enough insight to know he would think I was crazy.

This feeling of euphoria and intense religiosity faded once morning came.

I don't know what brought that on...I haven't felt anything that intense since I was a psychotic freshman in high school.

When I met with a doctor a couple of days afterward to discuss if ECT was right for me, I was back to normal. I was normal enough to be told that it probably wasn't the right time for me, that I had no acute mood symptoms or prominent psychoses. I didn't argue this point.

The next day I felt some regret, that maybe I should have gone through with the procedure after all. It's still there, so I can always take it (if I decide yes within 30 days, I don't even need to get another physical), but my moods are so...volatile. Episodes of psychotic euphoria or depression can last for as little as a few hours.

I'm a little scared, because in retrospect that intense and disorienting rush, that return of feeling I was getting after months of a depressive episode, could return, and persist. If that were to happen, well...I wouldn't be in a very safe place. I might stand in front of a train thinking I had the power to stop it, or I might reach mania, then crash back into depression, disabling me from doing the things I have to do during the day.

I can't make sense of what brought it on. I just felt overjoyed. Everything felt like it made sense. I felt like I understood everything.

So, that's where I am right now. I'd appreciate any thoughts or insights anyone has.

I think that you could describe what happened to your doctor. yeah, if you told him you were the son of god, he might want to lock you up. if you told him that you had an experience where you felt like you were the son of god, I don't think he would.

Speaking as someone who sees himself as somewhat of a lapsed agnostic, just accept the euphoria and enjoy it, I find that certain situations and people put me in a more 'Godly' - for want of a better term - position. Live for the next experience, but more importantly use it as impetus...