Self-Compassion Through the Seasons of Life

We all want to be listened to, respected, and taken seriously by our loved ones, friends, workmates…and yes, our kids! It’s hard when they don’t listen to us, especially since we have such good things to say! The good news is that there are lots of ways to up the chances our children will pay attention to what we say. As you read, realize these tips will help all your relationships!

Jesus’ Example

This verse is full of wisdom for us. Jesus had just shared the parable of the Good Shepherd. He explained that the reason His followers listened to Him was because He knows them, and they follow Him.

Notice what is first. He knows them. They follow Him. Following includes listening to Him. This is where we need to focus, on knowing them rather than trying to force them to listen to us. That never works. As we deepen our relationship with our child, there is a greater chance they will listen to what we have to share.

Here’s the Secret…

Click to listen to Kim’s interview by Kristi Clover

Having a strong emotional relationship with our kids makes more of a positive difference than any parenting techniques we employ. When children feel emotionally connected to their parents, they feel known and accepted, and they are much more likely to listen. I was recently a guest on my friend, Kristi Clover’s “Simply Joyful” Podcast. You can listen to it here.

To your child, being connected emotionally means,

“We’re on the same side, and my basic emotional needs are being met. If I’m not connected, I feel controlled by your rules, and I am more likely to spend my energy fighting you and trying to get you to see I’m hurting inside. Listening to you will not be high on my priority list!”

There are a lot of things you can do to establish an emotionally close relationship with your child.

Eye Contact

Babies as well as small children soak in love through eye contact. Make sure you make eye contact both when things are going well and when they are not. Set aside your phone, to focus on them.

Physical Touch

Kids soak up hugs, kisses, and being held. As children grow they may prefer other ways to connect physically, such as sitting close while reading or watching TV together, wrestling, or pats on the shoulder. Get to know your children and what they like.

Focused Attention

This means spending focused time with your child each day, if possible, by interacting with them on activities that they enjoy. Try to not text during this time. You may feel like, “If I give them any more focused attention I’m going to die!” We already give them lots of attention just to keep them alive!

Spending fifteen to twenty minutes a day with each child builds a deep emotional connection with them that will help them listen to you and feel loved by you. Ask your child, “I’d love to spend twenty minutes with you one-on-one most days. What would you like to do during that time?”

Validation with Empathy

Validating your child’s feelings helps them feel known and loved. This doesn’t mean you agree with them or see things the same way. The purpose is to let them know you understand what they are going through.

You put yourself in the shoes of your two-year-old, five-year-old, or ten-year-old, and ask yourself, “What must it be like to be my child in this situation? What would it be like for them to have this happen?” You then reflect back their thoughts and feelings while still applying boundaries.

Being a Parent That’s Harder to Listen to:

Lecturing

We need to avoid having our “talks” turn into lengthy lectures or sermons. Parents who lecture feel like they had a good talk with their child, but there was no conversation. Often the child on the other end of the lecture will feel like their “talk” was awful. We can learn more about our kids by listening to them than by talking “at them.” A child who expects to be yelled at, or who feels disconnected, will not listen to us.

Not Enough Closeness

If we don’t have a close emotional connection with our kids, they will appease us, aggress against us, pretend to listen, or ignore us.

Too Busy

If we are too busy to spend time with them, our kids’ internal needs won’t be met, and they will be less likely to listen to us.

Dismissing or Minimizing Their Feelings

When we try to talk them out of their feelings, or tell them their feelings are wrong, we are essentially not listening to the tender part of themselves they are trying to share. They, in turn, won’t listen to us.

Being a Parent Who’s Easier to Listen to:

Listens More Than Talks

Often our kids may seem like aliens from another planet. We need to listen to find out what is going on in their hearts and minds. As we ask questions, they get to know themselves better too.

Makes Time for Relationship with Kids

We are busy, and it’s a challenge to get food on the table, do laundry, go to work, and handle all the details of life. Try to let go of things that are not necessary, to make sure you have time to be with, and enjoy your kids.

Pays More Attention to “Being with” Them Than “Doing for” Them

We often run around doing things for our kids because we love them so much. They benefit from all we do, unless we are so busy we can’t spend time playing, talking, and hanging out with them.

Listens to and Accepts Their Feelings

“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out” (Proverbs 20:5). This helps them feel understood and loved on the inside. We want them to know that we love and care about their inward self, not just their outward behavior.

It is so normal that you want your children to listen you. As you deepen your relationships with your children, there will be many benefits to you and your family. Don’t forget to be compassionate with yourself about where you struggle.

Where Do I Start?

Pray

Ask God for wisdom and help to discern where you need to begin. Is it in stopping certain ways of responding to your children/teens? Is it in increasing your time together? Is it in the area of listening with empathy?

Ask Yourself Some Important Questions:

Do I make it harder or easier for my child to listen to me?

What gets in the way of listening to my child?

Were my feelings listened to as a child?

What is one thing I can try this week?

Speak to Yourself with Compassion

“I never realized how the way I listen, respond, and connect to my children affects whether they listen to me or not. Yesterday I yelled and slammed a door because I was so frustrated with my kids. I feel bad about this. I don’twant to yell at them. Rather than beat myself up or eat a quart of ice cream, I think I’ll be kind to myself. No one has ever taught me this important information before. I can learn, and I can start today. I’m going to try listening to them more, and give them my undivided attention, even if only for ten minutes. I feel hopeful that being compassionate with myself and my kids will help.”

What do you think?

What stood out for you in this column? What would it be like to be listened to like this? How would your relationships change if you were able to listen to others in your life this way? What’s one thing you’d like to change this week?

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~ This post was originally published on Kristi Clovers’ “Simply Joyful” blog, https://kristiclover.com/getting-kids-listen-kim-fredrickson/

~ You can click here to listen to my interview by Kristi on her podcast, “Parenting with Compassion & Leaving a Legacy”

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Kim Fredrickson is an author, blogger and marriage and family therapist. She is the author of “Pulmonary Fibrosis Journey: A Counselor and Fellow Patient Walks with You,” “The Power of Positive Self-Talk” and “Give Your Kids a Break: Parenting with Compassion for You and Your Children.” Kim blogs about self-compassion and faith at kimfredrickson.com, and also writes a patient column at pulmonaryfibrosisnews.com. Kim is honored to help those facing a terminal illness (as she is) and their families be kind to themselves on their final journey.

More gems of wisdom from my favorite blogger! This makes me think how much I’d like to have some “do-overs” from the child-rearing years. Parents today will benefit greatly by having this information and putting it into practice. I remember the days of Dr. Spock as the “expert”. I wish I’d had your information back then, although I never had the distractions of smart phone, texting, Facebook or any of the other social media available today. I am so puzzled and even distressed whenever I go out and see parents with young children at lunch, at the park or other events and the parents are on their phones. Even the young people out socially are often all paying more attention to their phones than to their friends. Sadly, this even happens at church. I have noticed more articles commenting on this addiction, and even the cartoon strips are addressing it! Thank you for touching so gently on the subject in today’s message.
Praying for the meeting to go well and for positive results, always in God’s will.

Dear Ann,
So appreciate your encouragement and response. I like your perspective of regret this type of information wasn’t available when you were raising your children, with the balance of being grateful you didn’t have to deal with all the distractions and obsessions of devices and social media. This change in our society makes me very sad too. I think I’ll do some writing about this important topic, so thanks for reminding me. As always, thanks for your love and prayers 🙂