Monday, March 28, 2016

What to
make of this election cycle. Casaba melon in a bad toupee Donald Trump is still
the Republican front runner.

Reptilian
car salesman Ted Cruz is in second, staying just close enough to give people a
reason to concoct Machiavellian scenarios to blow up the Republican convention.

John
Kasich is also still participating.

On the
Democratic side Hillary’s pant suits have gained sentience and are actually
campaigning for her in various states. A sky blue ensemble did an interview on
CNN the other day. Don Lemon was 45 minutes into it before he realized he was
talking to a JC Penney summer special.

Everyone’s
grandpa who gives out ribbon candy at Halloween, Bernie Sanders, continues his
turns so far left NASCAR drivers won’t follow him. He spouts his goals with
belief and vehemence but gives little information on how he’s going to
accomplish them.

What does
it all mean?

On the
Democratic side, Hillary is the insider front-runner with shady dealings in her
past, a machine behind her pushing her forward and the only candidate with both
domestic and foreign policy
experience.

Bernie has
ideas that sound wonderful: free college
tuition, free healthcare, etc. The only way to pay for it all is tax
increases. So Bernie wants to tax the rich, but the rich don’t like to be
taxed. That’s how they stay rich. Also many policy experts say his ideas won’t
bring in enough revenue to cover his plans.

Backers of
both candidates, instead of coming together, are sniping at one another. Bernie
supporters are saying if Hillary wins the nomination they won’t vote for her.
The American voter: an infant who lost their lolly.

As for the
Republicans, Donald Trump is a hateful, bigoted, grand-standing egomaniac whose
election to president could destroy the country.

Ted Cruz
may be even worse.

Republican
voters don’t know what to do. The racist wing of the party is good with Trump
and all of his horseshit because it matches their own horseshit world view. The
Evangelical wing of the party is leaning to Cruz even though they feel he may
be the Devil incarnate. There are indications the convention could be a
madhouse.

With all
these candidates’ limitations and foibles, with the electorate dissatisfied,
disenchanted and drained from a process that is too long, with the primary
season in chaos, could John Kasich become president?

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

I’m so
bored with the election bullshit I decided to cast the candidates as members of
a band. Just go with me on this one. The alternative is thinking about Trump as
president.

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to
Lolla-presidential candidate-palooza. We have 6 great bands performing for you
tonight. Let’s meet them before we start the festivities:

It’s Marco
Rubio, new lead singer for En Fuego,
a Latino boy band that sings about love, girls and defunding Planned Parenthood.

Please
welcome Donald Trump, lead vocals for Build
the Wall, a neo-Nazi grindcore band with lyrics like “We’re great! We’re
great! Build the Wall! Exterminate!”

And now
it’s Ted Cruz playing tambourine and singing back-up for Christian soft-rock
combo Aaron, Joseph, Noah and Isaac.
They play mainly VFW halls and birthday parties for conservative fringe groups
run by millionaire donors.

John
Kasich is next playing stand-up bass in a fifties revival group called Johnny Bland and the Forgettables. Their
big hit is “I Can’t Quit the Primary”.

Let’s
welcome Bernie Sanders to the stage harmonizing hits from the 40s with his
cousins Ernie and Fernie. They perform as Mazel
Tov!, mostly in kosher delis and at the occasional bris.

Our last
performer is Hillary Clinton singing the hits of Nancy Sinatra from her Las Vegas show with her
back-up band the Benghazi Four
(formerly known as the Whitewater Trio).

Now to
open the show please welcome Martin O’Malley, Chris Christie, Bobby Jindal,
Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Lincoln Chaffee, Lindsey Graham, Carly Fiorina and
Jim Webb as the Loserville Chorus
performing their number 1 hit, “What Were We Thinking?”