Appliances hate living in my house so much they make the decision to stop working, in the hopes of getting put on the curb with the trash and snatched up by a junk collector to be given a second chance.

The latest was the toaster oven. We’re on our fourth or fifth one in sixteen years of marriage. Or we were, anyways. Two weeks ago we had yet another cheapo counter top toaster oven go kaput, complete with flames and smoke. Fortunately I was standing near it when it happened and could unplug and extinguish it RIGHT AWAY. Unfortunately, this had to happen right before Christmas and the last thing I wanted to spend money on was a new appliance.

Unless it was a beautiful, new appliance I’ve been covetingdrooling over for years. Ahem.

Anywho, toaster oven. It ceased to function. And Mr. Fixit (aka The Guy I Live With) wanted to try to fix it and IMMA ALL HELL TO THE NO. Because burning our house down? Not high on my list of priorities at the moment. And the Bugaboo, he needs a toaster oven. We’re trying to teach him to be more independent and it’s age appropriate for him to throw some tater tots and chicken fingers (gluten-free, of course!) in the toaster oven to make himself food. Right? I mean, instead of eating them frozen out of the fridge as he usually does. So. Toaster oven. I sent The Guy I Live With to a local house wares type of place that lets you use those 20% off coupons? Well, he came home with this:

OOOOOhhhhh. Aaaaaaahhhh. Shiny.

Needless to say, Momma was happy. Because Momma has wanted that PARTICULAR Countertop Convection oven for a very, very long time. Happy Christmas to me! And next year’s birthday. And next year’s anniversary. Because it was $$$, y’all. But oooooh sooooo worth it. This thing is quite the gadget, I can assure you. It senses how many freaking pieces of toast are in it. It cooks to perfection. It pretty much does everything but predict the future and make twenty-dollar bills. I lerves it so hard.

Except.

Remember that part about teaching the Bugaboo to be more independent?

(You see where this is going, right?)

Sooooo I sort of had my newborn nephew the other day and Bugaboo was home from school. Normally I watch other children during the day because I cannot handle Bugaboo and another kid all by my lonesome (sometimes I get my neighbor’s daughter to come and help because she LOVES! BABIES!). Anywho, the nephew needed some sustenance, because it turns out you have to FEED babies. Like regularly and stuff. And although our kitchen is open to our family room, separated by a mere half-wall, I was sitting with my back to the kitchen. And a few minutes into the bottle for the baby, I heard DING! And smelled something a little…off.

Except it was on.

The toaster oven, I mean. The Queen Mother of all Toaster Ovens was operating without my knowledge. And the Bugaboo was in the kitchen. Behind me. Where I couldn’t see him.

That’s when I stood up with the baby and saw this:

Melted plate. Did I mention the toaster oven is NEW?

And in case you don’t know what that is, I’ll give you a hint: Blue IKEA kids’ plate. With chicken nuggets on it. Melted in my brand-spanking-new counter top convection oven.

The good news is this is precisely when my neighbor’s twelve-year-old came over to ogle the baby and she was quite useful as I heated and scraped and heated and scraped and heated and scraped (lather, rinse, repeat) until the plastic was all removed from the rack and the toaster oven. And I never turned my back on Bugaboo in the kitchen again! THE END!

But wait, there’s more!

Then this past weekend, Bugaboo was camped out on the couch sick. His brother was in the basement playing with a friend, The Guy I Live With was outside doing yard work (read: hiding in garage) and I was tossing Frisbees and tennis balls for the dogs. For a whopping two minutes. Which is precisely the moment Bug Boy ran outside shouting, “MOOOOOM! A PIPE BURST AND WATER IS POURING DOWN THE BASEMENT CEILING!” And I ran inside to see water dripping down the step from the kitchen into the family room, water pouring down my kitchen counter like a cascading waterfall, water running under the BRAND NEW TOASTER OVEN while it was still plugged in, an ipad sitting on the counter top and the new spigot pointed over the counter and turned on.

So not a burst pipe. But let’s just say I had a lot of water to sop up very quickly while simultaneously unplugging and drying out electronical device who were resting very innocently on my kitchen counter.

That totally sucks! I seriously live in fear of water heaters busting. I’ve gone through so many water heater incidents it’s not even funny. If we were in our own home and not an apartment, I’d replace it with a tankless and be done.