Thursday, March 29, 2012

Subject: Excuses For Missing Work

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices toldme to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. Ican't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, whofired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have thatdeadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, howabout them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No,no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come towork knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jawrestraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to hercoffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One dayshould do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house iscompletely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicoptertransportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back anhour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the looponly by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocksin the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolledup Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.