Release Date:
November 24, 2010

Hollywood awards season can mean only one thing: the inevitable release of a musical spectacle into the marketplace. Sometimes, this is good news as a project such as Chicago will garner critical acclaim and ride the wave of momentum to multiple Academy Awards. Sometimes, we get a movie like Nine. Burlesque feels more like the latter than the former, but you should feel free to mock me indefinitely for this if I’m proven wrong.

The story this time is that the Hollywood gay mafia runs the show and they demand a lavish musical every couple of years. Sorry, that’s the behind the scenes story here. The movie’s story involves a waitress named Ali Rose (with a name like that, she should consider a career in porn) who has big city dreams and aspirations of one day making it as a singer. The fact that her voice as well as her physical appearance eerily resembles that of Christina Aguilera means that she probably has a future in this business. When Ali lands a gig at a club run by Cher, she has a chance to become a star. Alternately, this becomes a Showgirls situation wherein Aguilera is the Saved by the Bell chick and Cher is Gina Gershon in 30 years. This makes The OC/Twilight bad boy Cam Gigandet the Kyle MacLachlan of the piece and none of what I’ve said here makes any sense unless you’ve seen the movie Showgirls. Even if you haven’t, you are surely aware of its reputation, meaning that if I am comparing Burlesque to it from the get go, I have very, very low expectations for Burlesque.

There are some people in Burlesque who are worth watching. Those people are BOP fave Kristen Bell, BOP fave Stanley Tucci, uber-sexy dancer Julianne Hough, and always entertaining Alan Cumming. Whether these people’s presence is enough to make you willingly attend a movie starring Cher is up to you. For me, the answer is hell no. If your answer is yes, clearly you have never heard Cher’s laugh. But I digress. Burlesque is what it is, an attempt to sell a lot of soundtracks and maybe garner some end of year awards consideration. That playbook failed for Nine, but the presence of a dynamic singer like Aguilera may afford Burlesque a better fate. Alternately, this will be the latest movie to prove that singers should never try to act. (David Mumpower/BOP)