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The Mom’s Guide to Going Out

Once you have kids, going out with your gal pals takes a back seat to everything else. But for your sanity, it’s important to make it a point to get together with your friends for some adult conversation. If it’s been a while for you, you may forget how you’re supposed to leave the house in something other than a messy bun, “workout” clothes, and bags under your eyes.

If that’s the case, follow this quick tutorial. It includes every step you need for going out for a night out on the town.

1. See friends at some event for your kids, or at the store when you’re shopping for your kids and say, “We really need to get together soon! It’s been so long!”

2. Repeat Step One 15 – 20 times.

3. By some miracle, 3 – 6 months later, find a night where a group of your friends can actually all get out of the house.

If you’ve gotten this far, congratulations! Take a moment to realize what you’ve accomplished. The night has arrived and now it’s time to get ready. Let’s get to it!

4. Realize you can’t remember the last time you showered and your hair is probably too greasy to be seen in public.

7. Finish thing that someone else needed and realize that you no longer have time to shower.

8. Decide to use dry shampoo before remembering that you don’t have any dry shampoo because you’ve been meaning to buy some, but just never got around to it because you are always buying things that other people in your family need.

9. Use baby powder instead.

10. Accidentally use too much baby powder and realize you look like you’re playing the part of an elderly person in a high school play.

11. Shake out as much baby powder as possible.

12. Give up and throw hair up in pony tail.

If you’ve made to this step, give yourself a pat on the back. Remember, you’re probably doing all of this with kids banging at the bathroom door, asking you to find some ridiculous item that they don’t even need, but since you’re busy, they desperately need you to find it RIGHT NOW! Okay, now on to make-up!

13. Start with eyeliner. Repeatedly almost poke yourself in the eye with it while you try ignoring your children (who have most likely broken down the bathroom door at this point) as they stare at you like a zoo exhibit and ask you why you’re drawing on your eyes.

14. Repeat Step 13 with eye shadow.

15. Finish with mascara that’s probably at least six years old, but you haven’t had time to buy a new one (see Step 8). Try not to think about the eye infection you might get from using it.

16. Throw on some cover-up to hide those dark circles under your eyes.

17. Dig out crumb-coated lip gloss from the depths of your purse and apply.

Okay, so you’ve done your hair and make-up, and look semi-presentable. Now it’s time to get dressed.

18. Look in closet with disgust, as every piece of clothing you own is older than your oldest child.

19. Look for top and jeans that are comfortable, yet look nice for going out, but also don’t have stains on them.

20. Realize that’s impossible, so just find the ones with the least noticeable stains.

21. Notice the clock and realize that you promised your friends you’d meet them in five minutes.

22. Hurry up and get dressed, throw on shoes, grab purse.

23. Blow kisses to children, make them promise to be good for their father (even though you know they probably won’t), and get out the door before anyone can ask you to do or find anything before you leave.

24. Pull out of the driveway 5 to 10 minutes after scheduled time to meet friends.

25. Get to restaurant at the exact same time as friends, since they just went through the same thing you did.

See? Going out with your friends is simple once you become a Mom! Just follow these 25 easy steps and enjoy your night!