A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

GOOD: A Bend, Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton, Oregon. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left._________________People Of Love

I will tell you who the real fanatics are: they are they who adopt false principles and ideas as facts, and try to establish a superstructure upon a false foundation. They are the fanatics; and however ardent and zealous they may be, they may reason or argue on false premises till doomsday, and the result will be false. If our religion is of this character we want to know it; we would like to find a philosopher who can prove it to us. We are called ignorant; so we are: but what of it? Are not all ignorant? I rather think so. Who can tell us of the inhabitants of this little planet that shines of an evening, called the moon? When we view its face we may see what is termed “the man in the moon,” and what some philosophers declare are the shadows of mountains. But these sayings are very vague, and amount to nothing; and when you inquire about the inhabitants of that sphere you find that the most learned are as ignorant in regard to them as the most ignorant of their fellows. So it is with regard to the inhabitants of the sun. Do you think it is inhabited? I rather think it is. Do you think there is any life there? No question of it; it was not made in vain.
Brigham Young - Mormon prophet
Journal of Discourses 13:271

And then a joke:

Utah sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans. The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Mormon scientists' turn to speak. "Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun." This, of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at night!"_________________These opinions are mine, mine I say! Piss off and get your own.

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a false sense of security while you're being screwed._________________People Of Love

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick, whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"_________________

Three whales are suspended high in in the atmosphere, then they fall.
Falling.
Hurtling toward the earth they careen towards the surface. Two crash onto the ground but the third slips gracefully into the ocean.

Ba Dump Tish._________________"History began on July 4,1776. Everything before that was a mistake." -Ron Swanson

There was a man from Bangalore
who thought repeat jokes were a bore.
With a wave of his hand
He advocated a ban.
You tell the same joke NO MORE!!_________________"History began on July 4,1776. Everything before that was a mistake." -Ron Swanson

Disclaimer: This joke is better when you show the hands, but I belive your imagination will suffice.

A dry prairie. A lone cowboy is walking towards the sunset.

An native (American Indian) appears on the horizon.

They meet. They stop and stare at each other for a while.

Then the native draws his hand and points it at the cowboy as if he was pointing a revolver at him.

The cowboy grins and draws both his hands, pointing them at the native as an akimbo revolver pair.

The native looks somewhat surprised and holds his hands, as if he were praying.

The cowboy laughs and waves his hand to show the native to "swim away".

Later, the cowboy finally reaches the nearby town, walks into the saloon, orders a bottle of whiskey and starts bragging.
"I met one of those red coyotes today, a coward he was. He pointed at me, sayin' "I'll kill you!" Well, I pointed at him both my hands showing "I'll double kill ya!". He started praying for his life, so I told him to swim away."
And he became the town's hero.

Meanwhile, the native comes into the chieftain's tepee, talking about how stupid these white idiots are. He explains: "I met one of these nuts today, I asked him "Who are you?" by pointing at him.
He replied "A goat" with both hands.
I was confused, so I asked, whether he was a mountain goat by making my hands into a mountain-like shape.