Wednesday, December 23, 2015

As the support crew for a runner, you know the inherent
hazards of the sport. The chafing, the dehydration, and the ~ahem~ bathroom
issues that many runners experience on occasion are all things that the support
crew experiences second hand. Never is a situation more perilous, however, than
when one is the support crew for the injured
runner. Here are some important rules adopted from Chez Moi with the
intention of promoting safety.

Be as Prepared as a Scout preparing for an Academy Award. The first thing to realize when talking with the injured runner is that they are dying to tell you about their badassery. They cannot wait to explain how they injured their (xyz) running (xyz) distance on (xyz) date. Furthermore, be prepared to provide an appropriate response or wince when they go into great detail about how they ran 4 miles on a broken foot, or had fluid drained via a 6' needle, or my personal favorite - share how the bones crunched against each other for a few days. We've discussed this before, runners are weird. And gross. And weird.

The Importance of
Math.The injured runner is a
delicate creature, vulnerable and prone to wild mood swings rivaling that of a
15 year old girl. The injured runner frequently believes at any given time that
he or she is speaking in a sane rational voice about his or her return to
running, when in fact, they are talking like a drunk frat boy on a Saturday
night. Like a marathoner at the end of a race, the non-running runner cannot
perform simple math. Gibberish about Couch to 5K plans and how well Physical
Therapy is going can quickly dissolve into Fall Marathon plans. Oh the
non-running runner is laughable with their plans to add miles in increments of
10% when the current base mileage rests solidly on a big fat ZERO. Last I checked, 10% of
0 is 0.

the family holiday photo of 2015

The Approach.When approaching an injured runner, it’s
important to move in slow non-threatening steps, preferably while wearing
sensible flats. Running shoes are a no go, as are heels or dress shoes. The
injured runner needs no reminding that they are injured, and assuredly, they
know exactly what kind of Brooks you have laced onto your feet. If they, like
me, have a broken foot and are relegated to a boot, the dress shoes are just a
further reminder of how “non-cute” their Christmas wardrobe has been thus far
this year.

On Staying Grounded.The Non-Running Runner who has been sentenced
to a month or more of “Spinning Easy on a Spin Bike” is particularly prone to
illusions of grandeur regarding their bike fitness. Suddenly they are planning Century
rides and contemplating two-day charity events. This is typically experienced
by the budding cyclist before their workout du jour, as at the conclusion of a 30 minute
spin, they are usually more grounded in reality. In this case, “reality” is comparable to a deep dark hole in the ground where running doesn’t live.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell. One of the trickiest questions posed by the non-running runner is in regards to someone else's running plans. If asked what your race plans are for 2016, it's imperative to change the subject quickly and subtly. Equally dangerous is asking the injured runner when their MD says they can run again. Remember, dates are numbers, numbers are like math, and the non runner has limited math ability at this time.

Finally, Beware the Cookie.
Never ever take the last cookie from a non-running runner, unless you have a
death wish or are pregnant.

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About GBA GF

Incase of Emergency - BREAK GLASS

GARMIN FORERUNNER 305 Owners ~ Garmin Non-responsive? "nurse g." just wants to remind you that often a soft reset is as easy as holding the MODE & RESET buttons simultaneously for about 10 seconds. Let go of those two buttons, press the power button, and the unit will turn back on.

Defining GBA**

"...And I smiled to myself as I thought of EXACTLY what I would say when he asked me how I was feeling. I mean here I am.

I’m at frickin mile 23 1/2 of a marathon. I’m crushing my PR. I’m running with my POSSE. I have stopped to (unsuccessfully) vom on the side of the course. Yup. I knew what 2 words I would say.... at mile 24 Q dropped the other group, and I was rewarded for my patience. 'How you doing?' 'Galactically BadA$$'."