Author: Your Facebook Stalker

FaceFuck allows you to find lookalike pornstars by integrating with your friends on facebook

INTERNET — The new FaceFuck porn app allows you to link your Facebook friends into a database of lookalike pornstars and stream from a database of over ten million videos for $2.99 a month. FaceFuck chief executive Peter L. Hayman explained the process excitedly, saying, “We’ve known for a long time that we’re sitting on a goldmine of nearly infinite porn, but there’s never been a good way to find just what your dick needs except by luck or hours of study. That type of browsing is totally obsolete with FaceFuck, where finding just the right porn stars for your fantasies is as easy as surfing Facebook. Once you install FaceFuck, all you need to do is click on that special someone who’s got you horny and FaceFuck will take you straight to a plethora of lookalikes in every position you could imagine.”

Mark Zuckerborg, founder and creator of Facebook, threatened to sue Peter L. Hayman, saying, “Facebook has always been a family-oriented operation and Peter Hayman’s earned himself a lifetime ban.”

Popular feminist voices issued stern warnings that FaceFuck would encourage the male gaze and, in the words of Lauralie Penny, “Deepen rape culture to levels which will trigger historic dialectical forces which necessitate a violent revolution for women’s rights.” She quickly deleted the tweet, but not before trolls took to the previously ironic #killallmen hashtag and issued their disgust at such oppressive and silencing speech that made them fear for their very right to exist.

BALTIMOAR – Sunni Khalid, long-time managing editor at WYPR-FM, posted Facebook comments deemed controversial about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. NPR’s reaction to the comments would indicate the author’s remarks were at odds with core values of the radio station.

Mr. Khalid posted this on a friend’s Facebook page:

“I, for one, have had enough of this pandering before the Israeli regime . . . The war-mongering toward Iran has, once again, distracted the world from Israel’s brutal military occupation of the West Bank, East Jerusalem and the Golan Heights.”

Sunni Khalid, journalist and Facebook user

Tony Brandon, president of the station, seemed very interested in understanding the outlet with whom he was speaking. Due to Mr. Brandon’s apparent decision to terminate an employee for his political expression, we thought it best to go undercover, and had a reporter pose as an ordinary, concerned citizen. While transparency is ideal, Chronicle editors agreed that Mr. Brandon’s ability to formulate personnel policy might have been jeopardized by specific, powerful political interests, rather than vague ideas outlined on a generic policy page.

What began as a call of a concerned citizen eventually yielded Mr. Brandon’s claimed deference to NPR guidelines, which have seen the termination of Washington-based employees for attending Daily Show host Jon Stewart’s 2010 Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear.

Mr. Brandon declined to answer a direct question as to whether criticism of West Bank-dominant Palestinian political party, Fatah, would engender a termination of Mr. Khalid, whose gender a Chronicle reporter was unaware, due to his completely politically correct, gender-blind sensibilities; in addition to utter ignorance of different cultures.

Listen, in real time, as Tony Brandon, President and General Manager of NPR Baltimore dodges a question of ethics:
[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/LS1101261.mp3|titles=Sunni Khalid inquiry to Tony Brandon of NPR by Tyler Bass]

“Damn kids and their questions without answers! When will they learn to consult our policy first!?”

“Emotional cutting is women engaging in behavior that’s known as Facebook stalking when performed by men. The implicit connotative difference between emotional cutting and Facebook stalking is that men are dangerous and women are sad. Any unwanted attention from a man is tantamount to rape. Yet when women give men unwanted attention, they are only hurting themselves emotionally. After moping around the house all morning, a Facebook stalker logs into Facebook, erect penis in hand, searching only for sexually explicit photographs. The emotional cutter combs through seas of photographs endlessly searching for The One, and cries poignant tears of forlorn love as each one turns out to be just another guy.” ~ The Facebook guide to creepy behavior

When an emotional cutter and a Facebook stalker fell in love, the gallons of saline excretions nearly drowned them both.

He Facebook stalked her for three years before he actually met her. He only managed to make love to her because she fucked anything that showed her the least amount of attention. Before they fucked, she wistfully stared into the Facebook stalker’s eyes as if he was The One, but he wasn’t. A few weeks after they had sex, she realized he was not Mr. Right after all, and ignored him for Dr. Who, on Netflix. That is when his Facebook stalking began to swing wildly out of control.

He went through reams of paper, printing off her sexiest photographs and routinely violating them with semen,urine and even feces. His favorite fap ended in a heavy blood-tinged load spewing all over an image of her wearing nothing but a bumper sticker over her tits that read “I ♥ Jesus.” He never got tired of ejaculating to that picture. Unfortunately, the file was corrupted from overuse and he was forced to re-draw his own version of it in MSPaint. The remake was better than the real thing.

One day, the Facebook stalker’s masturbation led to a blister on both his palm and anus. He craved rape, but he was overwhelmed with cowardice. Instead, he made such a hyperbolic expression of love and hate on her Facebook wall that she began to fear him. Obviously the usual trick of pretending he didn’t exist hadn’t worked. She unfriended him, but did not block him. He hated her and loved her equally. His rage fueled blister-forming fap sessions lasted until the small hours of the morning.

Despite her tough-girl exterior and penchant for servicing local glory holes, she was an emotional cutter. No one ever really cared about the way she felt, because she was seen by all her lovers only as a warm place for them to deposit gooey strands of semen before she went home and cried herself to sleep. ‘But am I more than that?’ thought she. The dramatic statement made by the Facebook stalker gnawed at her day and night, and she often visited his profile to cry. She loved him and feared him equally, like God.

They had many friends in common and often saw each other in public. They were generally too shy to do anything but cast furtive glances at each other, fearfully avoiding any intentional eye contact. On these lonely nights, the emotional cutter would go home and cry herself to sleep with her laptop in her arms and a small thermos in her ass. He would ejaculate all over his keyboard after typing her long-winded love letters that she could not bear to read.

One day after great consternation, the emotional cutter accepted the Facebook stalker as her Facebook friend again. Upon realizing this, he masturbated three times on a printout of his favorite photo now redrawn in MSPaint, uploaded the video to YouTube, and then masturbated again once it got several million views. The emotional cutter found the video and locked herself in her room, crying for days. She had never known such shame and sadness.

The next time they saw each other, they couldn’t avoid eye contact. She finally knew he was The One. A bloody tear streaked across her face as she fell into his arms, and he took her out to a secluded shed, removed one of her eyeballs and skull fucked her until her labored breathing slowed to a complete halt. He adorned her with his favorite g-string and ball gag, often visiting her corpse. The Facebook stalker’s love for her never faded even as her body decomposed. Semen and maggots streamed from her empty eye socket. The Facebook stalker had made sure she was in death as she was in life, beautiful and brilliant beyond compare.