Frantaglais blah-blah...

Why Frantaglais? Well, I came up with this title as my posts, from time to time, will be en français (in French), en anglais (in English), and/or en Tagalog, my mother tongue. In any case, you find my writing weak, just bear with me please or leave. This is my blog after all. No one forces you to read it.

vendredi, octobre 14, 2005

You're Beautiful...

Yow byutofowl..., that's how our Clémentine manages to pronounce it. She's nuts over this song, been singing it non-stop and even asked her papa to buy her a CD today. Last night, she startled us when she yelled out, "Maman! Papa! voilà!, c'est 'yow byutofowl'!". The vidéo clip was on TV and that was the first time I and GGiant saw it. Well, I just find it cute, that at her age, she already appreciates songs like this one...

My life is brilliant...My life is brilliant,My love is pure.I saw an angel.Of that I'm sure.She smiled at me on the subway.She was with another man.But I won't lose no sleep on that,'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it's true.I saw your face in a crowded place,And I don't know what to do,'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,As we walked on by.She could see from my face that I was,Flying high,And I don't think that I'll see her again,But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it's true.I saw your face in a crowded place,And I don't know what to do,'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it's true.There must be an angel with a smile on her face,When she thought up that I should be with you.But it's time to face the truth,I will never be with you.

dimanche, octobre 09, 2005

Ma maudite migraine

I've been suffering from migraine for a long time now. It started, I remember it clearly, when I spent months of anguish 16 years ago. That was when I found myself 'carrying a life on my hands' and facing the 'problem' alone. Some say, the exact cause of migraine is unknown, others believe that it's a neurological disease and my grandmother said it's hereditary. I don't know, for me, it's caused by psychological factors. Because I know, this famous event in my life that made me stressed and depressed to the nth degree, provoked this megrim, the mother of all headaches.

Being born and brought up in a family that highly favors values and traditional views, with very strict and conservative parents, my getting pregnant out of wedlock was a 'disgrace'. It was like the end of the world not only for me but also for everyone and I was sort of 'mentally tortured' because of this. I felt so down and helpless at the time. I'm ashamed to admit that I even thought of terminating my pregnancy. But I thought better of it and considered an innocent's feelings -- the pain I would be putting him through. And I didn't know if I would be able to get over the guilt of having it. So I decided not to have one, after all it was all my fault and not his. For months, I couldn't function properly at work, all I could do was cry. I couldn't stop thinking, "What does the future hold for me and my son?", "What lies ahead?", "Will someone just wake me up from this nightmare?". Every night I would fervidly pray, and would silently cry myself to sleep.

And as though my brain was 'drained'.

Ever since, every so often, I get migraines. Now I always find myself locked up in our bedroom with blinds closed, in total darkness, so as to appease the pain or until it runs its course: having no choice but to spend most of the day in a dark room feeling awful. I hate the fact that I couldn't do anything, couldn't go out, nothing. When it attacks, it's usually very strong, I could hardly move and it's not a nice feeling when my vision goes blurry. Due to excruciating pain, I could become nauseated and eventually throw up -- which sometimes seemed to be a relief because soon afterwards I would fall asleep and when I wake up, the pain would be less. But it could be sometimes worse because each time I do it, the throbbing pain intensifies to the point as though my head will explode.

There are a lot of things this killjoy Big Mama headache prevents me from doing. Yesterday was supposed to be my third motorcycle driving lesson but I had to cancel it at the last minute. One of my Driving School rules: if one is unable to make it to his/her driving appointment, cancellation should be done 24 hours in advance. But since I did it at the last minute, I'm obliged to pay for it. Et voilà!, that's 80 Euros, out the window! Then last weekend, GGiant's ultra gorgeous aunt celebrated her 40th birthday, but unfortunately, I wasn't in the mood to party. I had la maudite migraine that day and had to take painkillers. Not just because these medicines have an effect on reaction time or level of awareness that makes me unfit to drive, it's the noise: it's inevitable. The cacophony of children's and adults' voices, music, etc., would only aggravate the pain. So I just decided to stay home and just sent her (GGiant's aunt) my b-day message thru a poem (posted below, w/ her permission of course) that I wrote for her days before her birthday. But I'm sorry my non-French speaking friends, it's in French!

I've been getting between two to four migraine attacks per month and I am already tired of it. And as I write this, I could feel the throbbing pain that slowly starts on the left side of my head. And I know this will again hang around for a day or so. Believe me, you have to be a migraine sufferer like me to understand how it feels.