Going Deep into the Shallow

Tag Archives: le scandal

After my rant last night about how boring this scandal is, consider my tune changed! Even though the players aren’t as sexy as I would like, this thing just got a lot more interesting.

To recap: The director of the CIA begins an affair with his biographer. She starts getting jealous, worried that another hussy is in the mix. Biographer begins a wackjob intimidation campaign against her perceived rival, who is not only a socialite but also a “military liaison” (sometimes the jokes write themselves). While Socialite is receiving these harassing emails from Biographer, she is also busy exchanging an absurd number of emails with another top military man, who is not David Petraeus. Socialite gets spooked by the Biographer’s harassing emails and puts in a call to her pal, who is an FBI agent. Because that’s totally what you do. Agent gets a little overzealous about the situation and at some point, decides to send Socialite a shirtless picture of himself. Everyone’s cover is blown because a player couldn’t stay cool.

Does that sound about right?

Here are a few questions I have:

1. Why do I never see job openings for socialite positions? I would be great at that job.

2. How – how?! – do you exchange that many emails in a roughly two year period? Have these people never heard of sexting?

3. Will we ever be a society in which a woman in power – someone who is about as attractive as Hillary, let’s say – is hotly and a little crazily pursued by a younger, more attractive man who is dazzled by her power and brilliance?

When my babies’ daddy was here Friday picking up the kids, the David Petraeus story had just broken. We chatted briefly and Dave’s reaction was, “Why the hell is he leaving his job? What does this have to do with his ability to lead the CIA?” I replied that if nothing else, it showed extremely poor judgment and possibly jeopardized national security.

What?! Why did I even say that? I guess I figured the whole story wasn’t out yet; that there must be something big and scary and ugly to it. Maybe there is, but at this point, unless there’s something I don’t know yet – always a safe bet – it makes no sense to me that he is resigning his position.

And it really doesn’t add up when you start to think about what “his position” actually is. This dude runs the CIA. Think about some of the atrocities this organization has been a part of. (Seriously, take a second.) But somehow unauthorized getting down is the part we simply WILL NOT tolerate?

Is the biographer actually a hooker? Is somebody pregnant? Did Petraeus and his ladyfriend dig a shallow grave for a nosy old lady who witnessed a tryst? Were there sex parties at the Saudi Embassy paid for by the US government? Did Petraeus give his side girl human slaves as tokens of love? Because if not, I give this scandal a D-.

Boooring.

Idea: reality show! Let’s bring all the players together in a bland DC apartment and put them through a series of challenges. With drinking! And family secrets! And lots of drinking.

That way, this thing might start to get interesting. Until then, je suis ennuyé.

I know I’m making light of this situation and at least 2 families are in ruins because of what happened between a man and a woman. I don’t mean to minimize the pain of anyone directly involved, obviously.

UPDATE: The emergence of the second woman? Now we’re gettin’ somewhere!

C’mon, guys. I really count on you to be there for me when I miss stuff like this.

You betta redneckonize, Randy!

So, less than 2 weeks after his arrest for being naked in the road (next to his 1998 Trans Am!), it seems Randy Travis was cited again a couple of nights ago, when police responded to a call about two men fighting in a church parking lot. He was charged with misdemeanor assault. Although TMZ is reporting that Randy was “extremely intoxicated,” there was no indication on the police report that he was impaired at the time of his most recent arrest.

Um, hang on. I feel pretty certain that if you find yourself in a situation in which you are fighting your girlfriend’s estranged husband in a parking lot at 1 a.m. on a Friday, you have had at least a few drinks. In my experience, non-drinkers are just not very likely to start slugging each other in the wee hours. And further, when this is the second time in a year that you’ve been arrested for being up to no good in a church parking lot after dark, things aren’t working out for you. Add in a clothing-optional DUI and you’ve got a problem.

I need to figure out why this cat’s drinking so much! I know times are tough – recent divorce from your wife/manager of 20 years, marriage ended over cheating with the woman whose husband you tried to knock out, crashing your Trans Am while drunk and naked – but man, this dude needs to consider developing healthier habits!

Is he just determined to make his life play out like a country song? Could be, but he’s got a ways to go before he’s George Jones getting a DUI on his way to the liquor store ON A RIDING MOWER. On the other hand, maybe church parking lot fighting 2 weeks after your naked DUI is getting pretty close.

TMZ is reporting that Adrienne Maloof and Paul Nassif from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are close to separation. Before you scoff at TMZ, remember that these guys have an unbelievable network of sources – waiters, valets, manicurists – throughout Hollywood. When it comes to entertainment industry news, especially in and around LA, they’re pretty hard to beat, and they’re rarely wrong.

I feel really sad about this if it turns out to be true. I make fun of the Real Housewives all the time, just like pretty much every blog ever. But I always remember that these are real people. Even Teresa. 😉 They may be petty or ridiculous or pretentious or even kinda dumb, but they are people with families and lives that go on beyond the TV show. For me, joking about families falling apart isn’t necessarily off-limits, it’s just not funny. I’m going through a divorce myself and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It sucks and it’s never what anyone wants for themselves and even when it is amicable (as mine is) it still feels like a big fat sad failure.

During the first season of RHOBH, I found Adrienne and Paul’s constant bickering sort of amusing. It seemed like they were one of those couples who just made it work despite annoying each other Paul annoying Adrienne all the time. Holding out hope for them and their sons that they can find a way to fix it.

Did he really have to use the Real Housewives as an example of a brain-wasting, obesity-creating trash TV timesuck? What about the Kardashians, B? Why not go after Hillbilly Handfishing? I’m trying to make a living here, man.

Full disclosure: I am a big, bag fan of the POTUS. Don’t worry; we’ll work this out over a couple glasses of Pinot.