Clearly it’s become cool to be a douche-bag, a choch, guido, roid monkey, bitch-ass-piece-of-shit-waste-of-human-life… or w/e else you wanna call it. One can usually find this type of crowd at the local clubs, shopping malls, gyms, the protein-shake section in Costco, Boy’s-Co, their mom’s house, your mom’s house, the bus, in their daddy’s BMW, etc… These roid-powered retards are the same kids that used to dress in all baby blue, baller caps and Sean John jeans that usually dropped bellow their ankles. The style and general stature has changed a bit so if your having a hard time assimilating then your in luck. Here is a detailed list of what to do, how to act, what to wear, and so on, which should get you started and on your way to being the sickest, most tanned and jacked brah to be hitting the nightlife scene.

Here is a list of stuff and shit in no particular order.

Save up for a couple months so you can afford like… 3 Christian Audigier T-Shirts… it’s important to make sure you get the most be-dazzled kind so you can sparkle in the club and look really masculine… plastic sparkly shit on your tight T-Shirt makes you a man. And ya… make sure the T-Shirts are tight… usually finding a size or 2 smaller does the trick and if you wanna take shit to the next level check out the kids section. If you have a couple 100 $’s left then I would recommend getting a pair of True Religion jean’s… Monarchy, J & Company, Rock & Republic, Ed Hardy and Bauhouse are good options as well. Just like the T-Shirts make sure your jeans are tight enough to push your nutsack right up into your stomach.

Get a fake tan. Nothing is more gangster then rollin to the local tanning salon and picking out the most orange colored option. Do this several times a month until you look like a fucking carrot.

Spike your hair. Use a whole bottle of hair jell and just spike that shit. A good chochy hair-doo is like a porcupine… no one wants to fuck with a porcupine. Headbutting should inflict serious damage to an opponent.

Treat women like you would treat a peace of meat at the supermarket… which is on sale because it is probably filled with tapeworms.

If your dad has a sick car then do all it takes to convince him to lend it to you on Friday nights. If your dad is as broke-ass as you are then take the bus… just sit there all bad-ass looking… make sure all the old ladies on the bus know you own this fucking bus.

When you dance you need to go fucking ape-shit and beat the beat… basically just use the hand that you normally use to jack off with and pretend there is a 8 ft tall black guy behind you and just jerk that shit.

Have two cell-phones. When you text or talk while switching between phones it looks like your a big-fucking-deal.

Wear one of those Gucci over-the-shoulder fanny-pack things… they are boss. Usually you can put so much shit in them like your wallet and a condom which you have been carrying around for over a year because no girl has yet realized how fuckin sick you are and volunteered to fuck you… fuckin skanks.

Get inked. You have to. Get it all over your body… at once… because your only truly gangster when you end up in the ER puking your brains out because you have ink poisoning. What would be really fucking sweet is like getting a tan and muscle definition tattooed onto you so that it looks like your tanned and jacked but in reality its just one whole-body tat. That would be fucking extreme.

Wear nike shox because they go well with track suits, designer jeans and basketball shorts.

Rock sick biker shades at all times… all the fucking time… even when it’s pitch black outside. Fake versace’s will do the trick.

Take roids because they fuckin get you crazy jacked. Working out is for lil bitches who have nothing better to do with their lives. Being jacked gets you mad bitches & keeps all the goofs in check. Even better, if your connected & still have money left over get a gun. You can’t get harder then that. You never know when you will wanna use it…like if some grandma honks at you just fucking point your gun at her. Haters gotta know whats up!

Lastly be fucking as obnoxious as possible. Make sure everyone knows how fucking sick you are at any time… like when your mom makes you go to sunday mass or some heaty location like that.

A couple of friends have asked me recently for girl advice. Advice as in “how do I find the right girl?” Well my friends… there is no right girl… that actually exists anyway… but you can get pretty damn close if you’re lucky & patient but mostly lucky & not thinking with your dick. Girls are becoming smarter, more cunning & more independent at an alarming rate… this is bad news boys! These power whores are a mans worst enemy. It’s been said that the new ‘playa’ is the power chick. They prey on guys like it’s a sport… since when did we become fair game… how the fuck did that happen? Bottom line is… when you see a power chick… RUN! … or just tell her to fuck off… nithing is more manly then telling some hot bitch to get the fuck out if your face… seriously… try it! Let’s talk about what to look for/stay away from. I came up with a checklist that outlines the process of finding a decent girl in todays fucked up society.

– She can’t think she’s too hot. Girls who think/know how hot they are will never take you seriously & will always think they can do better.

– She can’t club. Not even once, ever, hell fucking no! You go clubbing for a couple reasons & none of those include clean fun/entertainment. Girls that want to club are a waste of time.

– Should rarely, if at all, use Facebook &/or ither social media. Facebook/twitter whores are… well…. whores. Any kind if whore belongs on the corner getting pimp slapped for being such a whore. Girls who use social media too frequently are seeking attention & it’s not going to be from you.

– Too many tattoos. Bitches who have too many tat’s are not only hideous but they are seeking something that they aren’t even sure of themselves. Fuck that.

– The cute girl in school who wasn’t popular but was kind of a geek is your new target. These girls are wife material. ‘Nuff said.

– Likes to cook. It seems cliche to say this but sooo many girls wont lift a finger to cook anymore. They expect the guy to handle the cooking now-a-days. Fuck off Miss. Independent!! Cooking together is one of the best joys in a relationship.

– History if cheating. Unless she has a damn good reason for cheating in the past stay the fuck away.

– Girls who like money too much. They wont like you… just your money. & when you run out she says bye.

– Girls who like sex too much. It’s fucking annoying. Bitch I’m tired & maybe I actually want to spend some time with you outside of the bedroom. Besides… horny girls are more likely to cheat.

– Girls who socialize too much. They will never let you have your full say in anything & it’s fucking a slap in dick watching your girl chat with other guys all the time.

– Jersey Shore type girls. Eeewww & useless & see clubbing.

– Girls who like doing normal things like cooking, going for a walk, reading, watching the sun set, spending time with family, etc… These are golden…but rare. When you do find one..hold on!!!

Seriously… living in Shitcouver you get accustomed to seeing LG’s & cougars wearing yoga pants paired with a pair of Uggs that are usually warped out of shape & are muddy from all the fucking rain we get. Fine. Yea your a dumb bitch but just how dumb are you? Let’s break it down: Girls wear yoga pants because it’s an effortless way to make their asses look tasty… which is fair enough but it becomes pretty lame when every girl is doing it. Yoga pants make you look fuckable but they also make you look like a lazy bitch who has zero fashion sense & just wants a dick up the ass. I thought girls were supposed to be creative… wear a nice skirt or dress or some tasteful jeans. Those will do the trick just as well… unless walking around looking like a stupid fucktoy is your thing. It bothers me even more when women over the age of 35 wear lululemons. You’re not 16 anymore & you sure as hell don’t do yoga so wtf are you trying to pull?? Stop trying to be cool like your slut daughter thinks she is… go wear clothing that is appropriate for your age. If you are going to be a senseless LG in your lululemons while doing things/being in places where those pants are just not acceptable please don’t tuck them into your dirty, shape less Uggs. Guys hate that btw… the boner we get from seeing ur bulging ass withers quickly at the sight of Uggs.

Most of the world is pretty fucked up but most of the world is also on the same page with regards of wanting to take the first hipster in sight and throw him/her into a cardboard compactor. Not to be harsh or anything but Hipsters are so.fucking.annoying!! Even more annoying then typing.with.periods.instead.of.spaces.to.emphasize.how.epic.the.situation.is. Whats the point of being hipster? Like seriously? I understand the point of being a skater, prep, nerd, goth, punk, emo, thug, thug-wanna-be, guido, hip-hop, urban, kinda-hip-hop-&-urban-but-preppy-at-the-same-time. There are tons of styles that are either awesome or stupid but still have some point behind it. Even emos have some legitimization. Emo guys for instance… sure they look pretty gay and pinner and stuff and whatever but they get emo girls… and just girls in general… hot girls secretly love emo guys… which pisses me off but lucky them I guess. But emo girls… damn!! Im not talking about the nasty, fat whores that look like trolls…

(No I’m not gonna “fuck off”… I’m gonna stand there and stare at how fucking fat and disgusting you are and then make sure to tell all my friends about the time I saw your fat, ugly ass at wallmart. Why would you even wear a top like that? Why would you be that fat? Why would you be so fucking hideous? What a puke-indusing way to get attention).

… but I’m talking about those super cute, innocent-but-slutty-looking-at-the-same-time girls with the cute bangs and poofy hair.

(If you don’t feel like getting with this chick’s under-age ass then there is seriously something wrong with you)

So anyway… hipsters suck. Period! I hate those eco-friendly hipsters the most… the ones that wear all earth tones and hiking boots. Girls I know, who dress like that, look like shit. An outfit would basically be a loose-fitted beany, (hung on the head like an old ballsack), some ugly brown, greenish, blah scarf, (that was probably found moulding away in a dumpster outside sally-an’s), some green or brown knit dress, a second-hand leather jacket, wool tights, thick wool socks and fucking hiking boots. Oh we can’t forget the huge glasses that magnify the fuck out of their eyes. URGH!! Why would you purposely try to make yourself look like some nasty old lady that never got laid. It’s beyond me. And when you call a hipster a “hipster” he/she will usually get pissed and state in protest, “I’m not a hipster… dude, leave me alone”……

“Uh yea…”dude”… you are a fucking hipster… why would I call you one if you’re not… go get high and down some PBR you dirty loser… and blast some shitty fucking music like Mother-Mother… and just wait… someone will probably shoot you eventually.”

In conclusion hipsters are pointless… the girls are ugly, their music has no balls, they dress like shit, and they do weird things like sit in circles on the sidewalk and jerk each other off. It’s not the 60’s any more. Stop trying to be hippie. Die. Thank you!

Hey everyone! It has been a long time since I posted any random and useless thoughts on this blog and I know you all miss it… right??? No?! Yea I don’t blame you. Summer has just sucked way to much to even motivate myself to express how much it sucked on this blog. First of all it wasnt even a fucking summer… it was cold as shit, rainy, gay, and I wanted to find mother nature and kick her in the box. It started getting warm just when all the kids had to go back to school… hahaha suckers! The real reason why summer sucked is because I STILL have not found a fucking job in the design industry… I worked as a landscaper instead. No offence to landscaping but I have a fucking degree… landscapers are usually fucking retards who failed highschool because they liked to wear baggy clothes and get high during class time. I worked my ass off in school just so I could avoid this situation… yet it found me anyway. Fuck you life! What was the point of trying hard? Last time I checked the reason you go to University is so you can fuck hot bitches, get smashed, educate yourself and have a guaranteed position waiting for you once your done… why else would I put all that effort and money into the piece of shit post secondary institution. The Dean is prolly laughing his fucking ass off! Snatching all my money and sending me out on my ass 5 years later with no nothing. I know complaining is no use but apparently sending my resume & portfolio to countless companies over the last 6 months wasnt any use either. Am I cursed or something? Has my life destiny been preprogrammed to be a garbage man after all? I’d rather puke on my balls and smash my face into the mirror untill… untill… I don’t even know any more. I’m rocking to heavy metal now because it takes away my anger… or makes me more angry… I donno. Maybe I should just go join the Forces and blow shit up with heavy weapons.

I was looking at my Blog Stats yesterday to see how the traffic to this piece of shit site is doing. In the section that shows the different keywords people have used to find this Blog I found the best keywords I have ever seen. Someone typed in “fucked up dead pictures” into some search engine and found my Blog instead. That’s fucking wicked!! I guess there is some fucked up dead pictures somewhere on here… I hope this messed up creeper found what he was looking for. All I know is this made me laugh fucking hard… who the hell searches for shit like that any way??

If you look at some of the other search terms people have used it should make you laugh… there are some other good ones like “stupid shark“, “ugly shark“, “fucking babe“… etc.

Seriously… the amount of rain that Vancouver gets every year could easily supply the rest of the world with fresh drinking water. No one here wants all this water. We are sick of water… if I have to look at water again I might puke. Never knew it could be possible to be sick of water… which is fucked because water is pretty much the most important thing in life. There is this girl who I went to school with and she actually hates water. She won’t drink water unless it is mixed with juice, syrup, kool-aid, stuff, pee & other things. She said that water tastes disgusting… it’s like saying, “no I can’t breathe normal air… it’s so fucking gross… man I fucking hate air… I’ll only breath if it’s like mixed with fabreeze, fart or exhaust from an old broken down Ford diesel.” What a dumb bitch.

But yea… Vancouver is stealing the world’s water. Vancouver is the reason there are skinny little children in Africa that are on the verge of dying 24/7 due to a lack of water… fucking Vancouver. We don’t do anything productive with this water either… just sell it for tons of money to stupid Americans in the form of drinking water or hydro power.