Seen here pounding out a drum solo on some lady's bongos chest (please, a little maturity), Khunying Tobnom practices the (not so) ancient art of breast enlargement by slapping. What the -- is anybody really buying this?! I heard the secret was getting motorboated by a slovenly blogger.

Khunying has been performing this non-surgical technique for more than 20 years, and her claim is that the slapping shifts body fat from one area to another and the kneading works excess fat towards the breasts. [But what if you knead too much into one and not enough into the other?!]

In 2003, breast slapping was officially approved as a natural alternative to plastic surgery.

At least for now, this one beautician is the only person in the world who knows the secrets of breast, face and buttock slapping, which she inherited from her grandmother.

One day when she a teenager, her grandmother saw her applying some miracle cream to her breasts in hopes that they would grow. She told her to stop wasting her time and money and rub them till it hurt. [WTF?!]

She allowed her grandmother to slap her breasts a few times and douse them with ice-water, which resulted in a growth by 4 inches. Eventually, she mastered the techniques on her own.

Not gonna lie, one time I got punched in the forehead and it swelled up too. I know, weird how that works. But then it turned purple-greenish-brown. Not how I like my taytays. Wait, let me rephrase that -- not how I like women's taytays. Mine? I'm kinky as f***, I've even tie-dyed these puppies before.

Hit the jump for a video of Khunying in action and, inevitably, a bunch of dudes in the comments offering their services for free.