freakyfemme

I've been home for the Christmas break since the evening of the 21st, and Christmas Day has just drawn to a very pleasant, peaceful, uneventful close in the Starvingartist household. Why, you ask? Well, ever since I got home, I'd been steeling myself to hear one of my parents say, "Oh, by the way, Freaky, Uncle and Boyfriend have subpoenaed invited us for dinner at some chaotic, anxiety-inducing Chinese restaurant in the middle of downtown Toronto for X date, and we've unilaterally accepted for the whole family." But, this morning, during breakfast, I learned that that's almost certainly NOT going to happen this holiday. Why not? Well, apparently, Uncle got back from spending a few months in Singapore with Boyfriend and Boyfriend's Mother on the 17th, but didn't call my dad until the 24th or so. My dad asked how the trip had gone, and Uncle said it had gone well, but nowhere in the conversation did Uncle mention Boyfriend, which was strange, because they'd just spent an extended period of time travelling together. So now, my dad thinks that Uncle and Boyfriend may have broken up.

Now, I know that it seems awfully schaudenfreude of me to be happy about something like that, but let me explain. See, when Grandma Toxic was still alive, Uncle was her favourite son (out of him, my dad, and Uncle's twin brother, AmericanUncle). However, since Grandma Toxic WAS so toxic, "favourite son" was sort of synonymous with "slave/sounding board/shadow." The upshot of this was, Uncle wasn't even able to come out of the closet until THREE YEARS after GT died, partly because she was notoriously homophobic, and partly because he was just so used to being bossed around by her that I think he forgot how to FEEL his own feelings, let alone express them or act upon them. Now, don't get me wrong, coming out of the closet was a HUGE step for Uncle, because it helped him become more human (he used to claim that he "never got hungry/tired/thirsty/hot/cold," but that stopped after he came out). However, at the same time, Boyfriend has always been extremely bossy. Besides his unilateral, permanent mandate that all restaurant fare MUST be traditional Chinese, he's also been known to shanghaii people into watching travelogues of his and Uncle's latest trips while HE was visiting at OUR house, and to call every hour, on the hour, when Uncle visits with people other than Boyfriend, including my dad. (Uncle and Boyfriend have never lived together, although Boyfriend wanted to). So, Boyfriend's bossiness may start with Uncle, but it has a "ripple effect" that spreads to everyone around him as well.

Anyway, my theory is that Uncle basically isn't happy unless he has someone to boss him around, and Boyfriend was pretty much just fulfilling that "need" where Grandma Toxic left off. I've always been at least semi-aware of that, and I remember expressing the same sentiment about GT when I was maybe nine or ten years old......only, nobody listened to me, because hey, I was just a child, what did I know? Anyway, now that things might be cooling off between Uncle and Boyfriend, maybe Uncle will find someone who's a little less controlling, and a little more willing to consider other people's needs and wishes besides his own. Uncle isn't like that himself, he's usually up for whatever, but whenever Boyfriend enters the picture, everything revolves around what Boyfriend wants to do. My mom put a stop to the travelogue thing by refusing to have Boyfriend over to the house anymore (although she denies it, and still issues invitations to both of them that she knows they'll never take her up on), but we still keep up a pretense of having a relationship with Uncle and Boyfriend as a social unit by doing the "once-a-year-dinner" thing, but if the relationship is already so strained, why bother? On the other hand, when Uncle vists alone, everything's great. We talk, and laugh, and just have a normal visit without having to cater to Boyfriend, and when it's over, we wish we could see Uncle by himself more often.

Anyway......this post has gotten WAAAY too long, but my point is, am I evil for being glad that Uncle and Boyfriend may not be a "forever" thing? I mean, sure, I benefit by not being forced into obligatory visits designed to perpetuate a toxic, strained, superficial sham of a relationship (punctuated by homophobic and racist comments behind Boyfriend's back, of course), but I think it'll ultimately be good for Uncle too, because it's just not healthy for anyone to spend so much of their lives living for someone else instead of for themselves. But then, Uncle is a grown man who's more than twice my age, so maybe I shouldn't be judging what's "healthy" for him and what isn't. What do you guys think?

I don't think you're evil for wanting Uncle to be happy and hoping Boyfriend is out of the picture. But Freaky, dear, you need to remember that, even though you were thousands of miles away in Canada, if they did actually break up it is ALL YOUR FAULT!

Well, at the very least it sounds like you've been released from the once a year Chinese Dinner dog and pony show, in which you are cast as the villain cause you eat too many of the beans, those being the only options for you and lectured about the evils of vegetarians.

Well, at the very least it sounds like you've been released from the once a year Chinese Dinner dog and pony show, in which you are cast as the villain cause you eat too many of the beans, those being the only options for you and lectured about the evils of vegetarians.

freakyfemme

Well, at the very least it sounds like you've been released from the once a year Chinese Dinner dog and pony show, in which you are cast as the villain cause you eat too many of the beans, those being the only options for you and lectured about the evils of vegetarians.

So, you're saying it's okay to be relieved about the possible break-up even though Uncle LIKES being bossed around? If he and Boyfriend really do break up (or if they have already), then Uncle will be sad at first, so I'm not happy about that, but I know that it'll probably be the best thing for him in the long run if he's no longer tied to a person who's so controlling......my Uncle deserves to be his own person, and not some Chinese guy's personal marionette.

Well, at the very least it sounds like you've been released from the once a year Chinese Dinner dog and pony show, in which you are cast as the villain cause you eat too many of the beans, those being the only options for you and lectured about the evils of vegetarians.

So, you're saying it's okay to be relieved about the possible breakup even though Uncle LIKES being bossed around? If he and Boyfriend really do break up (or if they have already), then Uncle will be sad at first, so I'm not happy about that, but I know that it'll probably be the best thing for him in the long run if he's no longer tied to a person who's so controlling......my Uncle deserves to be his own person, and not some Chinese guy's personal marionette.

I used to date men who abused me. Not always physically, but sometimes. If there was a bad apple in the bunch, I would not only pick it, but move it in and let it rot on the counter till it was so nasty no one could come in the house. If you get my drift. So, if your uncle is being controlled, even if he wants to be controlled, that may not be the healthiest thing for him and you can be grateful he managed to get out from under someone who may be bad for him, without making you a bad person. It's not that you do not want your uncle to be happy, you obviously do, you want him to be happy and healthy!!! So, while I don't reccomend tap dancing about it. I do think it's okay to feel relief and wish a joyous relationship full of love on him.

He deserves to be happy and loved and honored. I think it is perfectly fine to want him out of a relationship you thought was bad. You weren't there telling him to leave and being nasty. I think it is perfectly reasonable to be relieved.

Does that make sense??

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Fiber artist, writer, belly dancer. Four boys and a husband of twenty years. I'm happy

1) You don't have to go for Chinese2) You (hopefully) don't have to deal with Boyfriend anymore.

I think being relieved on your uncle's behalf is perfectly natural. He is entitled to be with someone who treats him with respect and true love, and even if he likes being told what to do, it should happen in a way where he feels "directed" rather than "bossed."

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freakyfemme

You weren't there telling him to leave and being nasty. I think it is perfectly reasonable to be relieved. Does that make sense??

It makes perfect sense, but I'm afraid that if a break-up really is in the works (or if it's already happened), then I'm going to be told that *I* was the one who caused Uncle and Boyfriend to break up because of my "horrible behaviour" at last year's post-Christmas Chinese dinner......regardless of the fact that they stayed together for a LONG time after that, and Uncle was perfectly happy to see me when he came to visit us in the summer.

I'm afraid that if a break-up really is in the works (or if it's already happened), then I'm going to be told that *I* was the one who caused Uncle and Boyfriend to break up because of my "horrible behaviour" at last year's post-Christmas Chinese dinner.

If that actually happens, consider the source and ignore it. Don't even argue. It won't do any good anyway.