The future is not quite what I hoped it would be. Men in grey coats watch our every move, while the great leader tries to rule our every thought. It´s not easy to get a gun in this supposedly crime free society. It’s not impossible either.I’ve had enough of it all. No I’m not going to shoot myself, it’s the great leader I’m going to kill. My name while be remembered as Thomas the Tyrantslayer. I thought things went well, but now I’m on death row and will be forever known as Thomas the Undersecretary for Foreign Affairs slayer.

2Only A E I O Us

Alan's uncle Oswald is unbelievably eccentric. As an amusing and entertaining activitity, Oswald often assumes other identities.Once, entirely attired as an Eskimo igloo architect, Oswald accosted an out-of-work accountant, exuded ignorance and asked only if April is after October.On another occaision, attired in an exiled Iraqi insurgent outfit, Oswald inadvisably offended a uniformed army officer. Unfortunately, aforementioned army officer attacked and assaulted Oswald.An array of alternative identities include an ancient Egyptian aardvark assessor, an Elizabethan earwax extruder and an owl .

Alan's overriding impression of Oswald is of an absolutely and utterly insane oddball, and always avoids Oswald.

Last edited by poohcarrot on Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:05 am, edited 5 times in total.

"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy.""You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.

On June 15, 2016, John Pilkington developed his time-travel mobile phone app, and decided to create the ultimate photo album.

Dressed in period clothing, he first travelled back to Jerusalem 33AD. Standing at the back of an enormous crowd, he secretly set his mobile camera to maximum zoom. Three crosses were barely visible in the distance. As the last nail was being hammered in, he raised his arm aloft and took a photo.

Unfortunately, thousands of other people did likewise and his photo was ruined.

"Pilkington app? Me too! I'm from 2156. This is my 19th visit. How about you?"

2Pip's Having a Baby!

Sleepless nights, parental fights,The tiredness makes you snappy.The footie's gone, no wine and song,Your life now one big nappy.And then they walk, then they talkAnd call you mum and pappy.They make you see, all kids' TV,Like Scooby Doo and Scrappy.And when they're sick, something just clicks,You panic and act flappy.And their first curse, there's nothing worse,It makes you mad and whappy.You moan and groan, when they want a phoneWith all the trendy appy.Your past is done, your race is run.But.....I bet you're bloody happy!

Last edited by poohcarrot on Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:02 am, edited 4 times in total.

"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy.""You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.

There was a crusade the fourth of its kind. It reached Venice after quite some time. The Venetians were willing to ship the crusaders to the Holy Land, for a small fee. Alas the crusaders were down on their luck. No worries, said the Venetians, you can do us a favour. Constantinople that great city is being a pain in the neck. Capture it and we will be in your debt.But the Byzantines are good Christians! We only fight the unbelievers! No worries the Byzantines are excommunicated by the pope!Well…Think of the riches!Which way is Constantinople?

2no title for this one

She watched him care for her little girl’s scraped knee after falling off the swing. She longed to help, but couldn’t.She watched them sleep, get up, get dressed and go out. She watched them come home again. She cherished the daily rituals and the surprises. She watched them all, up close yet from a terrible distance.She watched them play in the garden grass, tickling, laughing. It filled her with mirth and sorrow beyond comprehension.And as they got into the car to visit her grave she wondered if she missed them more than they missed her, and cried.

Last edited by poohcarrot on Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:52 am, edited 8 times in total.

"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy.""You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.

-This is so difficult, you can't expect this of me. How can I choose only one of you?-You said I was your true hero, said Aragorn-yes, you are but-I thought you had decided to protect the four lands with me, said Allanon-And I intend to, but-And I was your soulmate, said Raistlin-Well, what I meant...-You know, I have work to attend to, so if you would be so kind as to make a quick decision, said Vetinari-This is ridiculous, I can't go through this any time I want to reread a book!

2School Project

"School project huh? OK, I'll tell you what I think, but some people might regard what I say as heresy.

He lived two thousand years ago. Some say he was the son of God, but I believe he was just a freedom fighter fighting an empire that spanned the world. He had a beard, wore his hair long and lived a simple life. But what he said and did struck at the heart of everything the empire stood for, so the empire eventually killed him.

He kept watch across the sea to where the undying lands were placed in saga and song.The heroes were long gone , barely a memory rekindled around the fire.But the return of the greatest was foretold , from the west across the sea, when the time was right and need the greatest.

The watcher watched and waited.The day had come.

Alas the Christian bell turned the ancient swans to no more than the one gods dying slaves .And all that returned was an old man, body and soul quickly turned to dust and dreams lost eternally.Gæð a wyrd swa hio.

Last edited by poohcarrot on Sun Feb 19, 2012 2:27 pm, edited 6 times in total.

"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy.""You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.

The little girl climbed into bed, her father reassured her that he'd checked everywhere. She nodded, it wasn't his fault.

Everyone knows what a spider sounds like when it moves, the muted scuttle of many hairy legs across a wooden floorboard or behind an ancient bookcase, and yet, it never occurs to them to wonder how they know this.

House spiders are of course too small to make any noise audible to the human ear. These weren't house spiders, they weren't even really spiders.

She pulled the covers over her head as he turned out the light, the scurrying began.

2POLITICS

"Whose side are you on?" They always say "We're with the People" but I've never seen them in our streets or in our factories.They say "Stop with the nonsense, let's talk of what really matters" but they never do.They say "We must all do sacrifices" right before going to Seichelles.They say "Let's think of our sons and daughters, and one of their sons becomes minister, another gets a bat-house, still we get nothing.The only thing I believe is that they're them , but we're just us , working are way on, knowing they'll never be part of US.

Last edited by poohcarrot on Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:05 am, edited 4 times in total.

"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy.""You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.

What are we but memories?Of conker games and growing pains,Of climbing trees and skinning knees,Of joyous laughs and broken hearts,Of bridges burned and lessons learned,Of punctured pride on the losing side,Of wagers made on games we’ve playedOf drunken brawls and jeers of fools,Of races run and triumphs won,Of what we’ve said and what we’ve read,Of traps we’ve sprung by what we’ve done?And as you read these words I’ve writHave you fallen for my trick?For if indeed these words are trueThey have become a part of you.

2Untitled II

Could you tell me please, the rulesTo understand the minds of fools?I fear that I am at a lossWith people who don't care a toss!And though I try to understandAll people - From whatever Land,I cannot fathom the minds of menWho'll make the rules - and then break them! Or further still who will change their mindJust on a whim! - and you will find -The rules that seemed to be set in stoneAre actually on a bed of loam! And though you try to follow rulesYou cannot - in a land of fools!

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"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy.""You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.

‘Shall I compare Thee …’‘Whatcha doing? You know I don’t understand Shakespeare?’‘I’m just being romantic! How about a fragrant rose?’‘What! D’you mean thorny?’‘NO! Um, The warmth of the Sun …’‘Gives you cancer? Burns you to a crisp? You’re not great at this, are yer?’‘Sorry! … The twinkling of a star!’ ‘What about it - exactly?’‘Um. Lighting up darkness just by being there? ….’‘Nah! Anyone can light up darkness! That’s what lighters are for!’ ‘How about … a McDonalds! Loads of variety and enjoyment!’She smiled. ‘You say the nicest things!'