Mirrors.

I just don’t like looking at myself usually. I find something wrong. I pick myself apart.

I remember in high school, when I was heavier, I had back rolls.

My parents’ upstairs bathroom had a triple mirror setup at the sink. A mirror on 3 sides. So if you look into a side mirror, you’d see multiple reflections of yourself going into infinity.

I’d be in there getting ready for bed, and I’d see those rolls. I’d try to smooth them out with my hands. Imagine what I’d look like without them. I’d examine every flaw of my body in those mirrors. All the stretch marks. Each area of cellulite. All those angles I couldn’t normally see.

As I started losing weight, I noticed my body carving away those rolls. Weeks passed, months passed. Eventually, they were gone.

So much time has passed that I’ve forgotten what it felt like to have them. But still, on occasion, I catch myself looking in that mirror to see if I’m still rid of them.

I was told by a friend in middle school that I have a “bird nose.” So that’s naturally the first thing I see in my side profile in a mirror/picture.

The Claire’s employee who pierced my ears on my 13th birthday told me I have crooked ears. So I part my hair so that it hides that one ear that sticks out more.

My mouth is crooked. I legitimately have a jaw issue. TMJ. My joint doesn’t fit together correctly on one side. I may have to get oral surgery this year because of the discomfort. I can’t help but think how nice it would be to have an even mouth.

Maybe it’s my body dysmorphia. Maybe it’s my perfectionism.

Dancing in a studio facing a giant mirror almost 5 hours per week can be a challenge. I’m forced to look at myself. Maybe that’s a reason I don’t spot well with pirouettes. Because I hate having to look at myself in the mirror. When I do see myself in the mirror, I try to focus on the step I’m doing or the shape I’m making. Correct execution. I love to dance and that’s why I do it. I’m not letting my dislike of mirrors stop me.

Self love, I suppose, is lacking. I need to become better friends with mirrors. More so, I need to become better friends with my reflection.