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Emails from Dracula

(If there is any time that it would be okay to publish jokes about a classic novel written in 1897, it’s in October.)

SUBJECT: Hey

Dear Mina,

Hey, did you get my text? You didn’t reply back, and that’s cool. I knew you were pretty busy lol taking care of Lucy and stuff. If you get the chance tho, call me back. Im gonna be hanging out at my castle and I just wanted to chat.

The best,

D.

SUBJECT: The Arrival Of Darkness Into London

Yo, Renfield. Hey, we’re still cool about me crashing at your place when I come to London? I was just making sure, haha. I don’t want to sleep in that coffin on the boat any more than I have to. Just let me know. A couch is okay.

The best,

Count Dracula, Your Immortal Master

SUBJECT: NOT. A. VAMPIRE.

Jonathan,

No, dude. It’s totally cool for you to come hang out. I am NOT a vampire lmfao. I don’t know who told u that, but Im seriously not a vampire. I bought a shit ton of wine for you to drink when you get here so we can throw down. I also got vodka for me, because Im not a wine guy. But you know that.

NOT A VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dracula

Selfie

SUBJECT: Please don’t ignore me

Hey, Mina. Please answer back. I’m really sorry if I did anything weird. I just love you a lot and I think we should be together forever. I just feel like it’s right, ya know? I don’t know. I think if you just gave me the chance, I think I could make you super happy.

This castle is just really lonely. I mean, I have those brides but they’re just a replacement for you. Im lost without you. Being a vampire is great and I think u would really like it.

Just call me back, okay? I just want to hear your voice.

D.

SUBJECT: Booty Call

Are u still coming over tonight? Im gonna go get dinner on some townsfolk but it would be cool if you stopped by. I have some wine if you want some and we can fool around and see where it goes from there. You or any of the brides would be okay.

SUBJECT: FUCK YOU

Helsing. Don’t talk shit about stuff that you don’t know anything about. I know youre a professor, but you don’t know me or anything about my life, so I suggest you stop before I consume you along with all of London.

This is just a warning. Im sure we can still be bros after this, but you need to step off.

Count Dracula

SUBJECT: Frustrated

Mina, please email me back.

If you met another dude, you can tell me. I mean it sucks, because I thought we were gonna be together, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I get that.

Im coming to London in a few weeks and I think we should hang out and catch up. I promise it wont be weird.