Pre-Internet Porn Stashes

05.08.09 | 44 Comments

Kids have it easy today, with their locked, password-protected “hidden” folders of Internet pr0n. I remember the tough times of yesteryear when Moms were super-aware of your sock draw and mattress, leaving billions of porn-hoarding teens without a home for their precious videos and magazines.

Stashing porn was close to an art form back then–the more creative and unassuming the place, the better for everybody involved. Here are some of my favorite examples of porn hiding places, pre-Internet style.

Softcore Porn Taped from TV on a VHS Tape Nobody Watches

The trick to this one was to use the most unassuming tapes in your family’s collection, not necessarily the “worst” ones. Never forget that somebody bought these atrocities, so taping over your younger sister’s TV version of The Worst Witch with Seductive Stories Volume 6 would be a high-stakes gamble.

The best ones to tape over were typically the shitty ones bought from an Aunt who didn’t own a TV. Those movies had to be kept, but were never watched. If you stored these tape-overs in your room in plain sight, nobody would call foul and you’d be admired for keeping junk that your Aunt gave you. Win-win.

WARNING: Movie cannot fall under the “so bad it’s good” category, like Gobots Battle of the Rocklords. Someone will eventually want to watch it.

Ditch in the Woods Close to Your Old Clubhouse

Yeah, I once tried to hide porn in my old decrepit clubhouse but it was found at lightning speed. Apparently my parents were on to their teenager spending way too much time in the clubhouse he used to use as a child.

The next best idea is digging a ditch in the vicinity of your old clubhouse–or treehouse, or your sister’s shitty plastic castle–and burying your treasure.

Burying porn is a tough one, since weather damage is unavoidable. Still, the greatest part of somebody unearthing your stash in the soil is that you can blame it on your ancestors. The Puritan settlers loved Club International.

Intricately Wrapped Photos Inside a Book Nobody Cares to Read

A companion idea to the VHS tape-over, stuffing XXX photos in mediocre but fileable books is a brilliant idea straight out of Shawshank.

Once you’ve found the dullest book to never be read, it’s best to keep the smut photo collection wrapped up and neat, like an old scroll…an old porny scroll. Bookstash porn: when your literary passion for terrible biographies on second-string inventors crosses wires with spread-eagled barely legals.

Random Duffle Bag in the Basement

This is an extremely difficult one to accomplish, but the rewards are infinite. If your family has a basement cluttered with junk that hasn’t budged in over a decade, try stuffing all the VHS tapes you’ve got into a dull-colored duffle bag then stuffing said bag into the bottommost part of the junkpile.

But remember, you must rid yourself of the smut-stuffed duffle bag before your family packs up to move…or has a yard sale.

I’m sure there’s plenty more where these came from, so share your secret porn stashes of the past (read: pre-Internet) in the comment section.