The 2nd heavy rock in my heart: no more long distance relationship

Yesterday, after exactly 15 months of loving romance, and 18 months since we first met online, I posted a parcel back to ‘H’. It held a few things, but most importantly our ‘connection ring’. I had to get it out of the house. Because a month ago, after ‘H’s last visit for Valentine’s Day (which was wonderful), things went pear-shaped, and despite our love and care for each other, we simply couldn’t get ourselves back to a place of unity.

I’m so sad. We both are of course. But I have to keep writing here as part of my process, thus ‘H’ has unfollowed the blog.

I’ve been dreading articulating this, as it makes it all the more real. I’ve definitely just had the most wonderfully unique relationship of my life; being met on a creative level was profoundly satisfying, and ‘H’ was the sweetest, kindest person to spend intimate time with.

I regret not one second. Despite the painful disagreements, and the challenges of distance, I am utterly grateful for every lesson, every joy, and the connection of two kindred souls. It was a difficult process, but finally we realised we needed to move onto new paths separately; a mutual break up has to be the ideal one, right?

I had actually drafted a post a while ago announcing ‘H’s impending move up to this area; long distance is not ideal, we all know that. So we had aimed for March or April. But it seems the mounting pressure of the upcoming change was not comfortable for either of us, and those goddamned Attachment wounds so easily rise up to take over the rational brain…

I’m not going to elaborate any more for now, out of privacy and respect for both of us. It feels like our pasts defeated us though, and I personally intend to keep working on my baggage with my friendly neighbourhood therapist.

Right now, I’m just in mourning, and very sad. ’17’ is being very sweet, as is our cat, and of course all my dear friends are checking in and reminding me Life goes on eventually.

But I’m simply trying to feel all my feelings, let the tears flow freely, and write copious pages of tortured self-reflection in my journal, like a good, sensitive woman.

I know you’ll all be shocked and sad for me, as I am for myself. On top of the stress about Mum, before my cousin reassured me, I’ve had a pretty crappy time since coming back from Tasmania to be honest… but the pulse of Life just beats along, and I can’t not follow.

In gratitude for the gifts of Love, even when they move on, thereby hopefully creating space for the new, love G xO

I “Liked” this post not because of its content, but because of the courage required to produce that content.

We are constantly reminded that life is a process, more or less a sine curve (or a roller coaster, or whichever “up and down” metaphor you prefer). Unfortunately, that never makes the downs remotely easier, nor the ups more joyous.

This is my long-winded way of offering sympathy for your latest journey steps, which sound unbearably painful (if the ghosts of my long-distance-relationships-past are any guide).

Thank you Matt- I knew you’d get it of course. It has taken me a while to write this post, and I’m kinda dreading answering everyone’s lovely caring comments, as they each produce fresh tears, but so be it.

Drake? Perfect. I do know somewhere it’s all part of a plan… just gotta Trust hey? xO G

I am deeply saddened and sorry to hear this. You seem to be facing this with tons of grace, which could, at the least minimize the time you spend in stages of resentment, sparing you some suffering. You are loved and you are hugged.

As Matt has said above, I will “like” this post not for the content, but for the courage it took to share. Last summer I lost a friendship with a person I believed was a kindred soul; it’s gotten easier, but the loss still sneaks up on me at times, still hurts…

I think it shows your empathy, Brizzy May, which is a quality we need so much more of in the world. And we’ve all loved and lost haven’t we? Yes, remember to breathe is damn great advice! Thank you, G : )

I’m so sad for you, Gabrielle. You’ve been very respectful towards H and that shows what a great person you are. My daughter’s girlfriend ended their relationship in December. After our brief and tearful phone conversation, she got on a train and came home. She didn’t discuss it much when she got here, didn’t want to…but my 23 year old girl came to me late one night, crawled into my bed and sobbed herself to sleep. It was her very first relationship. Her first love. That’s hard as a parent, dealing with the first heartbreak.

So, reading this, I really, really felt for you too. If I were close, I’d come see you. I sense you’ll be fine. Like my girl, you realise that it was a beautiful thing. There should be no regret. Love and peace to you…and to H xx

Another comment that brought tears to my eyes- thank you darlin, and I’m sorry to hear your girl lost her love too- the first one is the worst 😰
Every heart break hurts in new ways though, and this one is no different- choosing to be respectful feels very mature and healthy, so at least I’m learning good things through all the distress 🙏🏼🙁
I’d appreciate a visit; we could all hang out over a cuppa 🌈❤

Oh god that’s a good quote! Thank you for commenting here, and giving me food for thought… I’m old enough now to know I will bounce back eventually, but this ‘shedding’ bit sucks, and I wish it was avoidable : (

Thanks. I made it up btw. If it sounded stupid I had a backup plan. Lol. You got this. Bounce it back. The part I always hated about breakups was the total amount of people and places and friend energy that got tied up in the tiny little point of “we can no longer be an item”. That little intersection breaking apart destroys several other relationships with shared friends and family. It sucks major balls. Best of luck. Keep writing it out.

Lol, now you made me smile, cos you were spot on! Yes, letting go of the tendrils of connection everywhere has been very painful; I’d HATE to be seeing ‘H’ walking down the street, so in that way, I’m totally relieved it was a long-distance relationship. We hadn’t yet done the ‘meet the family’ thing; it was next on the list. Spared yet again! Phew : )

Aww, that’s so sweet Cathy- you’re right, it was lovely sharing the joys, and there were lots of sweet little ones… now I feel like I’m paying the price : / Love accepted and much appreciated, thank you x G

It’s a journey, this … all of it! You are just a step closer to your ultimate destination, albeit you have been driving along with the window open and enjoying all the smells, sounds. What an adventure ❤️

That’s a lovely and positive way of looking at it Diana! And I do agree now; I did think ‘H’ and I were definitely driving in the same direction, but I was wrong, and I don’t want to get out of my car- I like my car : ) xx

This was a shock to read (sometimes we imagine others living happily ever after once they announce a relationship), but I’m so glad you are writing this post with grace, elegance and respect about it all. Do you think women break up better than men? Or is gender totally irrelevant in this context? I guess the hurt and disappointment is always the same. I like the way you ended the post. Hugs, G.

Thank you Cougar; I was shocked it happened too to be honest; I thought we’d worked on some of our old wounds, and that conflict resolution would be easier… yet my friends in longterm relationships all say the hard work doesn’t even start until the 2nd or 3rd year : (

I think all break ups suck! But good question. I’d love a hug xx Thank you xx

The universe is certainly flexing its yin yang muscles with you isn’t it? The pleasure/pain principle at work. So sorry to read you and H have gone your separate ways. It sounded like a beautiful connection and this was written with such dignity and respect. Wounds need time to be licked, but hopefully as they heal you will take comfort from knowing you remained true to yourself.

Yes indeed, the Universe is Lockwood! I’d thought the same thing : /
The connection was indeed lovely, and the loss hurts… I am hopeful a friendship one day will rise, but who knows? And yes, I keep reminding myself I’m doing the right thing for me, just as ‘H’ is for them, and we just have to Trust the Universe’s flow… I really appreciate your comment and empathy xO G

I have tears in my eyes. I am so sorry. But I am grateful that you had the loving experience to love with your heart even as it is breaking now with the mutual break up. May the sweetness of the experience remain as you process the sadness. I’m sending you huge healing hugs xoxo

Aww Janie, you’re so sweet, bless you. We all remember losing a precious love don’t we? The pain of loss still bloody stings though : (
Just taking it day by day- but March has been the SLOWEST moving month ever : (
Hugs taken, thank you xOO

So sorry for your pain, G. Even as the ending feels right/appropriate (whatever the accurate word may be), Hurts anyway, in my experience. Loss is loss. Best healing wishes to you as you move through this.

I’m really sorry to hear that. I’ve always felt the love and connection through your writing and it saddens me to see you two part. Baggage plays tricks on us and often catches up during our most vulnerable moments. Stay strong, cry all you need to cry and I’m always here for you as a friendly support. ❤️

You’re so right DFM: our love and connection was strong and easy, and as I’ve said, I’m taken by surprise we couldn’t work it out. Tricky baggage indeed, from both of us : /
I so appreciate your gift of support and understanding, G xO

Sorry to hear this. The loss of a relationship is a special kind of grief, even when the decision is mutual. If anything, the mutual part sometimes makes it harder because you both do it out of a place of respect and love. Thinking of you from across the globe.

Thank you Annie: I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there, with our mutual respect actually making it a bit worse; I can’t just be angry and focus on the bad stuff… : ( thank you for your smart comment x

I debated hitting “like” for two days. It seems such an inconsequential word in the face of pain and loss. But I hope “like” can also convey thoughts of support and strength. Words aren’t always sufficient, but across the miles, they’re all we have. Take care.

Bless you Donna, I know just what you mean- sometimes I wish there were a few more nuanced versions of ‘Like’ for people’s posts. But yes, I am very grateful for the symbolic care and sense of support 🙏🏼

My heart reaches out to you in your time of sadness and grieving of your recent break-up. I can hear the hurt in your words and, at the same time, I see something positive in your experience. So rare it is to hear of people who manage to part from each other on such respectful, mutual, and loving terms. I admire you for that. And life gave you a gift of a special love and relationship, the memories of which you can always carry with you inside. And as has been mentioned above, you also stayed true to yourself….self-love is important, too. Sending you hugs. ❤

A much older friend once told me that all relationships have a ‘use-by date’. I didn’t want to believe it. Now, I’m not so sure. Growth seems to require a bit of adversity to push us out of our comfort zones. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be writing now if I were still married. To me the ideal would be to grow together, but that’s not always possible.
-big hugs-

Yes, you and your friend could indeed be right… I definitely grew a lot with ‘H’, but the difficulty and sadness of this break up has actually pushed me into a new and almost-exciting phase of my life… ❤

I have been thinking about how big changes affect things lately. One good (if somewhat confronting) thing I came across was about how you need to lose stuff to make room for new growth and sometimes it’s REALLY hard to let go of the old bits, esp things you’ve worked so hard to create/ cultivate. I’m glad you let yourself grieve a bit. Onward and upward, indeed x

Hello Ms Di, and thank you so much for joining the Commenting Club here : )

It was a hard few weeks, as I was certainly very in love, but yes, things change, and we have to just let go and go with the flow… Choosing to be respectful and kind was easy, as our split was no one’s fault… and Love is all there is, ultimately. Love to you xx

What a beautiful and “in touch” person you are. How you keep yourself so balanced is beyond me. You are elegant and have so much class missy. You should write a book. So many are so bitter and do not see the gifts that the relationships have given them. Peace be with you and let the healing begin…

Thank you! I appreciate your comment and compliment- I think I wouldn’t be so balanced if it was a long marriage… but I do have meditation practices and a dance practice to keep myself centered- plus a regular therapist too when needed. I work hard at being compassionate and respectful…

Another honest post we can all relate to. I think love justifies itself and is always worth the price. Some romances just don’t go the distance.The important thing is that you are love, and are loved, without condition.