Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Aliens Among Us

Proving once again that I am not the only person in Greer/Taylors, SC who has taken leave of their senses, 7 victims showed up VOLUNTARILY to personal Torture at 7:30 this morning: Little Bride, Sister-in-Law, Jersey Girl, Demon Diane (aka Hurricane), Shy-Town and Blog Girl (Moi). And, of course, Shona (I used to be a white girl). These are our Shona names.
Shona claims to have been born white and baked black by the sun. This may be true, cause she was singing country songs during class, and not too many bona fide Sisters like country music. She warned Demon Diane and Jersey Girl that they, too, would soon become irreversibly black if they didn't watch out. They sport nice tans. I don't know if they're gonna turn black or not, but they're both skinny, so I couldn't help but wish a few wrinkles on 'em. That wasn't very Christian of me, I know. But it's hard to think pretty thoughts about skinny women when you're Voluptuous.
Shona is Voluptuous like me. She claims that her man runnoft with a Big Girl, because Shona wasn't big enough for him. Brothers like big women, she says. So here is my question: Why is she submitting to Personal Torture, and why does she want a picture of Demon Diane to put on her refrigerator for motivation? There is nothing remotely Voluptuous about Demon Diane. I asked Shona to clarify this, and she said it has something to do with Diane's shape...her protuberant derriere. I have never personally noticed that Demon Diane had a protuberant derriere, but who am I to question a Sister's judgment in such matters?
Speaking of Demon Diane...in yet another act of self-punishment, I stayed for her class. When will I learn? There is just something bad wrong with a woman who can dance till the sweat is positively running off of her--and I stand on the front row, so I can see it puddling up--and still have enough breath to cue every move with nary a gasp for air. Casey's like that, too. I have a theory on this: I think they're both aliens. This would also explain why they can eat and still be disgustingly thin. I mean, it could be all that exercise, I guess. But I personally would find it much more satisfying if they turned out to be aliens from some planet where all the women are disgustingly thin, beautiful and flat-chested.
Casey was lamenting her almost A's just this morning. I feel so bad for her, BLESS HER HEART. As I have informed her on several occasions, I would trade my ample bosom any day for her almost A's if I could have the rest of the package to go along with it.
Just now, as I typed that, this sarcastic little alien voice started whispering in my ear, "If you'd exercise like you're supposed to and stop eating all those Mega Moo Mocha Moolattes, you'd be fit, too."
Maybe, oh Queen of Pain...and maybe you're an alien.
By the way, for those of you with OCD, you'll be relieved to know that Myra straightened the mats during Demon Diane's class. Poor Myra...she could be an alien, too, I guess....she is thin, beautiful and flat- chested....and I have seen her eat...they're taking over!!!

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About Me

I write mystery novels and the occasional short story. I blog about whatever crosses my mind—-books, my aversion to diets and exercise, and things that strike me as funny. I'm a 2012 RWA® Golden Heart® Finalist!