I wondered if you could post this email up on your blog, to say thankyou to all the people who took the trouble to read and give their helpful advice to my recent email. I am in the process of separating from my partner, and, although my heart has been shattered by this decision and by the loss of my Mum, I feel it is the right thing to do. I need to feel whole again.

It remains to be seen whether I fully embrace my submissiveness, although I feel, in my gut, that this process has already started.

I’m going to give myself the time I need to let myself heal from recent tragedies and make a decision when I feel the time is right.

It’s so good to know that there are people out in the world who are kind and generous enough to give sensible and heartfelt advice to others.
Thankyou all again.

Thank you, Mary, for updating us all on how things are going for you. I am pleased you have found the advice and support of readers helpful. I am sure they will all share with me in wishing you good luck.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

I received an interesting email recently from Mary. She has been going through a difficult time recently. Is now the time to leave her partner and explore her submissive nature? This is what she wrote:

I’m writing to you in the hope that you’ll be able to help me find a way through a very difficult situation.

In January of this year, I lost my mother to cancer, and soon after, began to have regular chats online with a male friend. This man is a friend of both my partner and I, and I know that he has always found me attractive.

Gradually, we got to know more about each other, and he has opened a Pandora’s Box. Through talking, I have found out that I have deep rooted sub desires, desires that I have suppressed, probably since I was a child.

I feel that my grief has brought a lot of uncomfortable truths to the surface, and I now have to face them.

He has been a Dom for a great many years, and has a lot of experience.

He wants me to be his sub and life partner, although I am in a relationship. This relationship is not going well, and may have to end. I can’t see a way forward. I am strongly drawn to exploring these sub desires, with him, as I feel that it could go a long way to making me rediscover myself.

I’m very unhappy and depressed, and I want to experience being a sub. Now it’s been uncovered, I don’t think I can suppress it any longer.

I wondered whether anyone else has been in a similar situation and how they coped with it.

It’s tearing me apart.

Thanks. x

There seemed to be a number of issues here so I replied:

I am sorry you are feeling so unhappy and distressed. You are asking if anyone else may have been in a similar situation in the hope they may be able to offer advice from their own experience. I hope readers will feel free to comment.

For what it is worth here are my own few thoughts - though I have no special claim to wisdom and in the end you will need to decide yourself what is the best way forward.

Major events such as bereavement can often make one reflect on their lives and question them. That is perfectly natural and quite common. So I know you are not alone there.

While reflecting on your life and reviewing possibilities is good and positive, making life changing decisions when in a state of depression may not always be the best timing.

You say that your relationship with your current partner is not going well and may have to end. May I ask if you have any children together and whether your decision will therefore also affect others?

There seem to be a couple of different interrelated issues to consider. The first is your relationship with your present partner. I wonder if you had not started the online relationship with your Dom friend whether you would be still dissatisfied with your current relationship. Might you have been considering him anyway even if you did not have another relationship on the horizon? I suppose I am asking whether you are considering leaving him for someone else or because you need to leave him anyway for your own sanity and growth.

The next question is whether you should start a relationship with your Dom friend and explore your submissive desires. This seems to me to be a separate issue from whether you want to leave your current partner and should perhaps be decided as such.

In starting to explore submission with a new partner there are serious issues of trust to be thought through. It sounds as if you have known this man ell for some time in other contexts and so know him well. He says he wants to commit to you and become your life partner. These are big promises when as yet if I understand correctly you are platonic friends who have been exploring other possibilities online. Neither of you yet can be sure that a Dom/sub relationship will work for you. You are eager to discover your true nature but are not sure yet what it is.

It might be that you are very lucky and you have found a man who will help you explore your nature and express your desires within a loving and caring relationship. It may be that he has the skills to be able to help you explore. But do you know that? I wonder how much you know of that side of his life and his own needs, desires and nature.

In the end you must decide. It could be an exciting journey. However it has its own dangers and pitfalls. So take care Mary.

Good luck. I do hope you are able to make a decision that you are comfortable with and that it brings you some lasting happiness and fulfillment.

I know that Mary would be very pleased to receive comments from readers.

The Purpose of This Blog

Through writing my blog Pygar - A Kind Dom I receive a certain amount of mail. Some of this mail is asking for my advice and support - occasionally about some serious and difficult subjects. I always try to reply as helpfully as I can but am aware that my knowledge and wisdom is limited.

The purpose of this blog is to air some of these requests for advice publicly - but anonymously. Readers are invited to contribute their advice through the comments. Please ensure that comments are intended kindly and supportively. If I feel that any advice does not meet that requirement I will delete it.

If anybody has a question or problem that they would like airing here - then please email me.

Helpful Books

These books have been recommended by readers of this blog. If you have others to suggest please email me.

The Loving Dominant, by John WarrenSM 101, by Jay WisemanConsensual Sadomasochism, by William A Henkin Ph.D and Sybil HolidayThe New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. HardyThe Master's Manual, by Jack Rinella.Partners in Power: Living In Kinky Relationships, by Jack RinellaDifferent Loving:The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by Gloria Brame, William D. Brame and Jon JacobsScrew the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, by Philip Miller, Molly DevonThe Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. LisztThe Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle

About Me

A Dom who feels he doesn't fit into the mould of "Dom-ness" trying to explore his own nature and feelings and some thoughts about D/s.
Pygar was not a Dom. He was an angel. He was also blind. But he did get to shag Jane Fonda!