This Gilmore Girl earned her joy one step at a time — and is ready to share all she's learned.

By
Amy Spencer

Dec 7, 2016

Brian Bowen Smith

It's not exactly glamorous to be an up-and-coming actress. Just ask Lauren Graham, who responds by breaking into a version of the 1994 Cascade ad she was in six years before she starred as Lorelai Gilmore. "My husband — he loves doing the dishes," she laughs. "He always scrapes the plates, and he never, ever overloads." In fact, Lauren, 49, who also played another single mom, Sarah Braverman, on Parenthood, is as down-to-earth as they come, as her hilarious new memoir, Talking as Fast as I Can, makes abundantly clear. These days, you can find Lauren (who really does talk fast!) in an office near her home, working on a second novel (the first came out in 2014) and producing a screenplay. While cracking jokes between sips of iced coffee, she opens up about her journey until now — because it's obvious that Ms. Graham is just getting started.

Brian Bowen Smith

LIFE LESSON #1: There's no right way to live.

What brings you joy may not be what you thought would bring you joy — don't be afraid to shift gears.

Lauren's childhood was all over the map — literally. She was born in Hawaii, then lived in Japan, where her mother (the daughter of missionaries) had grown up. When her parents divorced, she moved frequently with her dad, at one point living on a houseboat in the Virgin Islands, before landing in New York and eventually Virginia. "My mom was a completely unconventional person for her time," says Lauren, who describes her late mother as a great dancer, painter, singer and creative soul constantly searching for new projects. Her dad, a charming man with a dry sense of humor, was a writer before settling into politics. "He was very big on fairness and manners and kindness," she says warmly. "I don't think I ever heard my father raise his voice." Witnessing her parents following their own paths had a huge impact on Lauren. "It gave me the sense that there are different ways to live, there are different ways to pursue a career and there are different ways to have a family," she says. Ever since, she's been stretching herself to see where her path will take her next.

LIFE LESSON #2: Take life one small step at a time.

Taking things day by day will keep you from feeling frustrated.

As determined to succeed as Lauren was — she attended NYU for acting, transferred to Barnard, went to grad school for the arts in Dallas and performed in theater and commercials — the early years she spent honing her craft were full of unbridled anxiety. "Unlike other [types of] work where there may be a natural progression, there is so much out of your control" with acting and auditioning, she says. "You have to be picked." Rather than try to plot out her future, Lauren decided to take her career one day — and one role — at a time. She started small. The part of a girl in a commercial? I could do that, she thought. "Or you see this part in this play … I think I could play that. Then it's like, Maybe I could play the best friend. And then it's like, Wait a minute … I could be the lead!" After she moved to L.A. (with actress Connie Britton, after they met in acting class), Lauren's little steps eventually led her to that leading role and beyond.

Brian Bowen Smith

LIFE LESSON #3: You don't have to be all things.

Too many of us feel we have to be superwomen.

The only thing you have to be is good to the people you care about. Lauren knows comedy — and she's fine with that. She loves having played two similarly unconventional single moms of teens in Gilmore Girls and Parenthood. "There are things that I'm good at and there are things that are just not for me," she shrugs. That's not to say she wouldn't be open to something new, but Lauren feels no pressure to prove herself. "I'm not gonna play a cop, I'm not gonna play a doctor … and that's okay," she says. "I'd rather be in [roles] that are really verbal and smart and funny. As Diane Keaton said to me, 'Funny doesn't age.'"

LIFE LESSON #4: The best pairings come naturally.

Sometimes "like at first sight" can grow into feelings of true love.

Parenthood paired Lauren with Peter Krause, 51, who played her brother on the show. But since Lauren tended to avoid handsome-actor types as a rule (so charming, so much attention from other women!), they kept things in the friend zone. Still, "We couldn't stop talking," she says. "Not about ourselves, but about the world and books and family." Eventually, their friendship evolved. "Once we got together, there was no game play," she says. "It was like, You like me, and I like you. It gave me an understanding of life: This is how things happen, and it's completely random."

Brian Bowen Smith

LIFE LESSON #5: Happiness happens in the small moments.

Focusing on what you have (rather than what you lack) builds gratitude muscle.

"It's not a big, loud life," she says of her relationship with Peter now. "We have a lot of neighbors, people come by, we're with Peter's son a lot and we keep it small." They enjoy outdoorsy activities like skiing, cycling and snowshoeing, but at home, life is simple: They grill, play the parlor game Rummikub and watch baseball. And when she has a day off, she'll likely pick up a book or straighten up. "This is deeply dorky," she admits, "but I really like to organize … I've taken the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up book and really gone too far!" Lauren has learned that it's the less grand gestures that bring her joy. Peter puts gas in the car, unloads the dishwasher — and makes her laugh. "I didn't imagine that our little simple routines and jokes over them would be so fulfilling," she says.

From 2000 to 2007, Lauren's portrayal of single mom Lorelai made 'Gilmore Girls' must-see Friday-night TV. The revival was released on November 25. She played Sarah Braverman on 'Parenthood' from 2010 to 2015. Now, she is a best-selling author. Her new book, 'Talking As Fast As I Can' is all (frequently hysterical) personal essays.

LIFE LESSON #6: Value kindness over all else.

Whatever your personal values are, find a way to live them every day.

"My dad has always been someone so many people think is a nice person," Lauren recalls. In her childhood, when her dad and stepmom would go to their lake house in a small, modest town, "he'd say, 'Don't wash the car … we don't wanna look fancy!' I remember as a kid being proud of that," she says. As a result, she's realized how important it is to surround yourself with niceness, which is one reason she appreciates her work on Gilmore Girls (and the recent revival Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life) more than ever. "I'm proud of that show's kindness," says Lauren. "I've heard many people say that the show introduced their kids to reading, got them interested in college, made their relationship with them better. I think it put something positive into our world — that's important."

LIFE LESSON #7: Every failure is a chance to grow.

As long as you're learning, you're really living.

Lauren has had embarrassing auditions (like the time she sang about a bass instrument while pronouncing "bass" with a short "a," like the fish) and truly odd jobs (like the time she wore a giant dog costume as the mascot at a World Cup soccer convention). And not every venture has been a success: "When Parenthood ended, I cowrote a [TV] pilot for myself to be in, and I actually was feeling pretty confident," she says. But the show didn't get picked up, and she hit a lull. "I went through a time of crickets," she admits. "I have a great sense of gratitude, because I've gotten to do what I want for a living, but there are many ups and downs." She sees the down times as opportunities to improve. "I definitely don't feel like I've achieved everything I want to," she says. "I'm still learning, and trying to get better every time."

Watch the video below to go behind the scenes on Lauren's cover shoot with us!

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