CHELSEA'S ALIEN INVASION

This weeks feature video:This classic is from the Carol Burnett show for those of us old enough to remember it. That which we fear the most is clearly the funniest fodder...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYzuchDBvCs

CURRENT COMMENTARY: As silly as this article is, it genuinely does reflect the feelings of those who have lived here in Chelsea for a long time suddenly faced with "the influx." Two breeds apart indeed.

CHELSEA'S ALIEN INVASIVE

Spring is coming. You know how I know? Because “they” are starting to come out. Used to be we never had them here in Chelsea before but now they’re here and they’re spreading like wildfire. Some people called them an alien invasive species. I remember the first time I saw one because I called the police I was so alarmed.

“Officer, “ I said, “there’s this man running down the 105.” Now I’m from Cape Breton and any good Caper knows that when they see someone running down the road it’s got to be because they’re up to no good. They’re either running from something like a murder or a burglary or running to something like a fire or an avalanche. Either way, the only solution is to call the Police. After a brief education session, and a few false alarms, I’ve learned now not to become too frightened when I see them. Apparently, unbeknownst to us old fuddy duddies in Chelsea, a new breed of people has moved in. They are doing something for the betterment of their well-being called “jogging”.

The important thing to remember here, is not to be alarmed and to remember that we are, after all is said and done, Canadians and Canadians are known for their wide level of tolerance. The first step is to learn to recognize them. This is not difficult. As a general rule, they are wearing spandex-like things with long dangly pointy things at the back that make them look like large brightly colored beetles with fluorescent stripes. Although apparently it has happened in the past, i.e. the last time I called the Police, it is important not to mistake them for the well known predator the Asian-long horned beetles. The Asian Long-horned beetle is considerably smaller than the Chelsean Jogger Beetle and tends to inhabit trees rather than roadsides. It has spots rather than stripes.

Once you’ve learned to recognize the Chelsean Jogger Beetle it is important to step widely out of their way if approached. This will be a natural move anyway given that they tend to have dreadful grimaces on their faces as if they weren’t enjoying the whole “jogging” thing and they’re making quite a bit of noise as they inhale and exhale. Whatever you do, do not attempt to have a conversation with one, particularly those who repeatedly use the gesture of bringing two fingers up to their throat while checking their watches. Any attempts at conversation could be misconstrued as an act of aggression by a Jogger who is on a deadline and may become unpredictable. Instead, it is advised to step aside and look away. This is more for their sake than yours. Chelsean Joggers do not want to be seen as rude and they do not like having to form their faces into a semblance of a smile. This is an exhausting proposition for the Chelsean Jogger who prefers to conserve energy for foraging in the city.

Above all, learn to recognize the one particular type of Chelsean Jogger that is the most dangerous of all. Steer clear of those that might be carrying something called a GPS, or Global Positioning Satellite contraption. These joggers tend to be of a wilder variety than their suburban counterparts. Since they usually emerge from the woods they can be dreadfully dangerous, particularly if lost. Playing dead will not work. You must run, not walk to the nearest inhabited house and call the Police. If they are carrying a GPS they are likely lost and the police or park rangers are trying to track them down.

Remember, Joggers are our friends. With knowledge and respect we can learn to co-habitat.

Next week we’ll discuss the River Road Biker Beetle. Distinguished by stripes and pointed large shiny heads they can be highly aggressive particularly with cars.