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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Ruminating

A while back, I posted part of something I found on the Facebook site of my friend St. Francis, a list of random thoughts and ponderings that I found to be just heeee-larious. Coffee Drinker Krista posted that the origin of these such thoughts came from the website "Ruminations", the site of comedian Aaron Karo.

Karo developed an area where people can send these random thoughts, and other people can read them--and if you like them enough, you can declare them "gourmet", which is Karo's way of saying "this is awesome."

I will tell you that the site itself is not a bad site... it does have some Not Emmy Turnbow Safe language, but its very rarely anything than just worldy conversation, nothing dirty. Now, I could tell you to go on over to that site and have fun reading, and you might do that, but let's be real... I want you to stay here. Heck, I'm about half-a-thousand away from 30K, so I'd like to keep you on this very site...

So with that, I'll give you some of my favorite Ruminations (including some of my own that I posted and were listed as varying degrees of "gourmet"!). They've also been cleaned up for everyone's reading--and you can copy and paste to your heart's content, just tell 'em which site (this one!) stole them from the other site (that one!)

I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile...and how many times

I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right

Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool

If anyone found out the one password I use for everything I'd be royally screwed

"I had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow... barefoot" was good in it's day. But imagine the sheer terror on your kid's face when you drop "When I was born there was no internet".

Kids today will never experience the joy and excitement of hearing the sound of dial up internet actually connecting.

Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos

They say celebrities die in 3's. Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in an extra one COMPLETELY FREE

I don't write on your facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here

My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."

Even into my 30s, I still will hold up both hands, index fingers up, thumbs pointed inward. Oh, there's the "L", that one must be Left!

Every time I hear a recording of my own voice, I'm convinced that I would not be friends with me if I were someone else

Kanye, how could you be so heartless?

Once I notice the audio is not in sync with the person's lips on television, I can't focus on anything else.

Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside

What is it that my computer is thinking so hard about during those spontaneous hourglass/rainbow spinning freeze-ups? I'd be so much more patient and understanding if the computer could just say, "Ya know what, I...I think I just need a minute."

There's always that "What the...??" moment when you find out two people you know in really different contexts know each other. How could you possibly have met without my influence??

On my days off I'm tempted to stop by work to show everyone how hot I am with normal clothes on

I have a magical drawer in my kitchen full of things I can only find when I'm not looking for them.

I'm terrified that I'm going to say something "sucks" in front of my children and they are going to ask "sucks what?" I'm not even sure I know that answer to that question.

The saddest thing I saw all summer was a diet cookbook left on the shelf halfway down the candy/chocolate aisle in Wal Mart. Someone lost all hope here

They say money can't buy happiness but if you have enough money, there's a good chance you will never have to wake up before 10 AM again and that's good enough for me

If your baby is too young to come to the door, she's too young to eat my candy. I know your tricks, fat mom.

I hate when I have a stuffy nose because then I have to decide if I would rather breathe or eat

Whenever I'm on Facebook and I see someone has "Live, Laugh, Love" or some other thoroughly exhausted euphemism under their favorite quotes, I immediately know that we will never have any kind of meaningful relationship whatsoever

Nothing is more statisfying than your turn single blinking at the same rate as the turn single of the car in front of you for those two seconds that they match up

I have yet to see a movie or TV show accurately depict anything near my experience in high school.

The voice in my head I read your email with had a sarcastic tone and now I am mad at you.

A quick question is rarely a quick question. I’m busy. Get away from my desk and Ask Jeeves.

I will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.

When I know I get to sleep in a few hours longer tomorrow, I end up staying up so late that I get even less sleep

I'm never as scared of rulebreaking as when my iPod says, "Do not disconnect" while updating

I hate that embarrassing feeling you get when you think you know someone, so you say hi. You realize it’s not the right person, but you already received that strange look from them wondering who you are. You apologize and walk away with your shame

You know what? If I ever find myself in a room with an elephant, you can be pretty sure it's going to be the first thing I mention.

The moment you realize “I need to buy a plunger”, its already too late

I love waking up in the middle of the night and realizing I have hours left to sleep.

The price I would pay for wireless or cordless earbuds increase everytime those earbuds are ripped out of my ears due to a cabinet knob or a high chair back I didn't see

My MySpace page is like an old Gap credit card. I never use it, it has an address from three apartments ago, and it will probably lead to identity theft.

I wish the check engine light in cars had a scale of 1-10, with 1 being "I'm kinda hurtin', but no biggie", and 10 being "Man, I swear if you don't get your happy tail in gear, you will be SOL out of luck in about 2 more miles".

Anyway, I hope you get a laugh out of the previous... I won't tell you which ones were mine, mostly because I want you to continue thinking I'm funnier than I actually am...