Music Television is a fiction. At one point, somewhere around 1992, it was a real thing. But now, the chief network responsible for providing us with concurrent melodic and visual entertainment has devolved into a 24/7 Jerry Springer-style faux-reality marathon. So why MTV still annually presents the sham that is the Video Music Awards completely baffles us. Shouldn't they be granting awards to, like, Pauly D's hair dresser? Or maybe to whomever has the truest life or is the youngest teen to procreate?

Either way, the network insists on hosting the VMAs. And, therefore, we insist on letting you know why it's a total fucking joke.

What if Madonna had never rolled around all slutty in a wedding gown during "Like A Virgin?" Or if Britney Spears never got the opportunity to drape an exotic snake around her neck like she was some kind of Amazonian tart? The VMAs have long been a platform for emerging pop stars to inspire a lil' extra TiVo-ing due to nearly-exposed breasticles. Someone please tell us why the face of the second greatest -- the first being Rihanna's "We Found Love" -- pop song of the 2000s is being robbed of her goddamn birthright.

4. The EDM Category Is Embarrassing

Jesus H. Christ, pop culture. You've already reduced punk rock, heavy metal, and hip-hop into completely laughable cotton candy shells of their former selves. These categories have more to do with Tweets and ringtones than style, message, innovation, or, like, music. Why you gotta go fuck up raving too? Are you seriously going to make us listen to "Le7els" again?