In light of the controversy surrounding the new extensive pat downs and body scanning by TSA, much ado has been made about a traveler’s privacy. Reports are out that the body scans have resulted in searches because of feminine hygiene products and colostomy bags, but leave it to the right-wing to blame the new policies on the gays.

Eugene Delgaudio, a Loudon County, VA Board of Supervisors representative, recently informed not only the public at large, but also the gay community of a devious plan by the Homosexual Board of Directors (HBD), the group of gays who release the Gay Agenda and originally drafted the Gay Bill of Special Rights, to use the pat downs as a way of getting sexual gratification they otherwise would not be able to achieve:

It’s the federal employee’s version of the Gay Bill of Special Rights… That means the next TSA official that gives you an ‘enhanced pat down’ could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission.

As a rule, I no longer participate in the meetings of the HBD. I stopped attending after getting a stripe taken away for a quip about how I wanted to have sex with George W. Bush. Without asking for my explanation (which was very reasonable and involved proving his stance on homosexuality was due to his own repressed feelings), I was demoted from Super Flaming Homosexual by the Board to Tired Old Queen. That said and noting my bitterness toward the HBD, I still don’t buy Mr. Delgaudio’s explanation for the new TSA’s procedures.

In fact, the new procedures are more likely a result of fear-mongering, something that is outside the scope of and has never been a part of the mission or vision of the HBD. However, it does sound a lot like something Eugene Delgaudio and his fellow self-loathing closet cases might just do in order to have an excuse to have a man feel them up. Rumors abound that Ted Haggard led the charge for the new procedures.

NOTE: For more of the column, Stupid Things People Say About Gays, click here.