The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and Tolkien - The One Ring

The varied peoples of Middle-earth at times found unity in their pursuits, and all too often experienced deep rifts. Engage in lively conversations as we banter about the differences between the Alliances, and recruit for our People as well. Remember, keep it friendly.

S.W. “Well sure you can join us, if you can sit through the King… Or is that Xking? Well what ever You have to go to J_F’s one hour seminar on beard safety. And the only way out…is suicide. And if the king finds any failed attempts at suicide well have to take another one hour seminar on proper suicide.

“Oh! And Hi Keth.” Said S.W. with a smirk on his face and a dirt clod in his hand.

P.S. Mara Go to www.Cheapskate.com for cheap bread and water. And if your lucky you might find a worn toaster oven for the great price of $9.99.

“Now then, now then! What’s all of this crap, then?” blustered the King, eyeing each one of them suspiciously.

“Welcome, smellydog! Of course you may join! We have been in needs of a good mascot since HA
disappeared. Well, since most of him disappeared…nasty business…that.”

“Mr. Slugwortz! I have asked you before not to make any rude inferences into the dietary habits
of young Maranwe! It is quite common for young ladies, living away from home their first year, to quickly
gain three or four hundred pounds, get their massive buttocks stuck in your couch and destroy every stick of furniture before they leave.”

Oh boy! You’re going to suffer for that one! And don’t think for a minute that the new sig pic is going to save you. We can all see your banner and we all know where your real alliances are!

Mara, you have my permission (and encouragement ) to yank out his beard one hair at a time for that one! In fact…why don’t you join me in taking over the mountain? We can teach these lousy men of Middle Earth a lesson or two. I’ve already gotten the loyalty of most of the dwarvish guard. (It wasn’t hard. I just made brownies for them. ) I guess you could join us too if you want Keth. Maybe it would be a good way to make up for breaking your sister’s sword.

Ladies…and Keth…of the Dwarve’s Guild, UNITE!!!!

Oh, almost forgot...Welcome Shaggydog! Have a beer and make yourself at home.

Edit: I did forget...

Riot wrote:Do you think I will make...n/m....again?

I've thought about it a lot and...I don't know what you mean by n/m. Sorry.

And I'm not actually a dog, although I am rather smelly from time to time. But I can do a mascot if desired. A short, beer drinking, beardless but axe wielding mutt. I could go with SD as a nickname, but that's a tad too close to STD for my tastes. So perhaps just plain Shaggy will suffice?

S.W. “??? What? All I said was cheap bread, water, and a toaster oven. I didn’t say any thing about four hundred pounds and getting stuck in the couch.!

Shaggydog, you’ll have to forgive the X-king. He’s a good man… Whose done some very bad things.”

As Lark tried( and succeeded.) to gather Mara and the sword breaking Kethasbro to her will, the X-king began his scheming.

J_F “Sluggy quick to the other side of the mountain!”

S.W. “Why?”

J_F “Dangit Sluggy! Just come with me! And any of you other wussy, couch clogging, king betraying, losers who don’t come with me… You’ll feel my wrath!!!”

And with that statement the X-king and his young prince Sluggy fled to the other side of the mountain.

Many moments later.

J_F “Here we are Sluggy.”

S.W. “(panting.) Where are we?”:?

J_F “Where on the other side of the mountain, the side we don’t use any more do to all the goat crap lying around.”

S.W. “???”

J_F “Let me explain. For years I’ve worried that someone would try to overthrow me, or worse, they succeed, so I decided I’d need backup if any of those losers tried any thing. So I recruited some help.”

Just at that moment Sluggy spotted some unusual creatures venturing closer, and another and another . It seemed to be a small army of the beast. They were short , about 2.3-2.5 feat tall . They had blue baggy pants, green jackets and red pointy hats. In their hands they carried gardening tools, briefcases, and boards with nails through them( the X-king’s solution to every thing). One walked up to Sluggy, and in a strange accent he said “Hello . They were the Travelocity gnomes. The Travelocity gnomes were always the king’s last resort… probably cuss they sucked so bad.

S.W. “what the heck is that thing? It looks a bit like a dwarf but it’s smaller than a hobbit.”

J_F “Back when the Travelocity empire fell I took many of there gnomes back with me as a special taskforce for events such as this.”

Gnomes ran up to the X-king.

Gnome “Sire, the queen is putting pink wallpaper up in your throne room!”

J_F “D----t!!!”

The X-king in all his rage stabbed the gnome in the gullet.

Gnome “… am I going to die?

J_F “If so do it quickly and quietly. So as I was saying, we attack at dawn! They won’t know what hit ‘em! Ha, ha, ha! Ha ha, hahaha!”

Lades of the Guild ( and/or Keth ) let us advance against this dreadful tyrant with the manners of a un-educated gopher that devours any early lettuce that have been actually planted for this season! Let us eize him, and pluck his beard and chest hair with a pair of tweezers- Nay, not tweezers, for we are strong warrior maids...LET USWAX HIM!!!!!!!

And for his minion, the one-time prince Slugwortz, let us make a pudding, of hobnail boots and rotting gym socks, and with this delicacy we shall subdue his temper, and he hall follow us right willingly to the medicine cabinet-- What say ye?!

{EDIT And upon further searching, ye ladies, I have found he has allianced his self with that house that has sprouted the prancingest pansy of a nancy elfin prince ever.....That house of Thranduil father of LEGOLASS!!!!!

My avatar was stolen, apparently for my first incursion into Mordor. The banner of Durin's Folk remains to this day the one banner that I alone am forbidden to wield. But vengeance will be mine. Soon shall I return to that black land, and demand their homage and fealty. Any that oppose me shall be chopped into thin strips with my war axe, and perhaps be held into place on a Ritz cracker with a dab of honey-mustard, and forever be sprinkled with chopped spinach, diced tomatos and bacon bits. Then shall there be a fearsome g-nashing of teeths! Right g-nomes?
*g-nash g-nash g-nash*

Erebor, the heart of Middle Earth. It will take more than your girly arms, lass, to remove the impressive bulk of this unshaven and unshowered dwarf from his ancient home. Long have my ancestors soiled and stained these ancient halls. It's in my blood. And all over the carpet.

And so it camed to pass that the King retained his throne, and set about the arduous task of re-re-reconsolidating his power base. As part of this effort, he journeyed to Dale on a goodwill mission, to garner support from the "human garbage" that were his closest neighbors.

The people off Dale were in the midst of celebrating their most important religious holiday, which the Dwarf King continuously mispronounced as "Feaster". Things rapidly deteriorated when they asked the King to do the honors of carving the ceremonial ham; the Crown Prince Slugwurz, Official Ambassador to Dale and Unmitigated WiseAss, couldn't help providing the color commentary,

"What are you doing? Oh no- that's not how you do it.
Oh no- jeez dad. Now it's ruined. what are you- stop it!
Stop it! You've only seen mom do this like a thousand times!
Oh- what the- get your beard off it! Oh GROSS! He sneezed on it!
Oh! It's ruined! RUINED! Dog's won't eat that! Oh no...no, no, no..."

Driven to a blinding fury, the King had no choice but to turn the carving knife on the Crown Prince, and they ended up rolling around very unceremoniously on the food table, screaming curses and oaths at one another. They soon turned their bountiful aggression on their uncomfortable hosts, and the streets of Dale were soon ringing with the shrieks and cries of men, women and priests as the food-throwing dwarves unleashed their fury. The kings guard was finally able to drag the wild-eyed, frothing King away, as he shouted promises to "Rain Down Death Upon Them" and "Litter the Streets of Stinktown" with their "Black and Bloated Corpses".

The King, the Crown Prince and his top generals are standing around a giant map spread out upon a large oaken table. Miniature soldiers representing the various armies of Middle Earth are being used to plan the King's upcoming Summer Offensive.

J_F: "All three Army Groups will disembark from Dale (the part of the map where Dale should have been has been ripped to shreds, and the table beneath it has been hacked up, burned and apparently salted) and begin Operation Screaming Ferocity. Army Group South will head down the river and prepare for the incineration of Laketown. Army Group Center will make directly towards Mirkwood; battle lines can be drawn, but I want to avoid a major engagement at all costs until both of our flanks are secure. Army Group North will break towards the Grey Mountains to engage and destroy the Goblin Army that has arisen from the Withered Heath." He pushes a group of exquisitely painted dwarf soldiers into a group of goblin soldiers, knocking a few of the goblins down. The Crown Prince picks one of them up and studies it thoughtfully for a few minutes.

"Questions?" asks the King.

"Yes," answers the Prince, placing the figure back onto the map. "How can we be sure the enemy will attack withe such tiny orcs?"

BTW: Young Mara, I see you've gone red. Is that what they teach you at that school of yours?