Apparently half of the England team would consider retiring early to play in the IPL. The greedy blighters.

How dare they come down on the side of fiscal wealth against such lofty notions as pride, honour and respect. How dare they forfeit the unique opportunity to be slagged off in the press for a cross-batted heave in favour of something as mundane as cash. How dare they.

Ignoring the fact that they’re probably just trying to prise more money out of the ECB with thinly-veiled threats. Ignoring the fact that merely ‘considering’ early retirement is hardly a definitive statement, let’s commence with the knee-jerk finger-pointing.

Half the England team are proud, loyal representatives of this great nation. Half of them are money-grabbing mercenaries who’d probably strangle a squirrel for 50p. Who is what and why?

We’ll start you off: Kevin Pietersen is a proud, loyal representative of this great nation because he’s got a tattoo of the three lions just below his shoulder and inky feline arm-stains are legally binding.