Man Writes Unintentionally Hilarious List of Man “Secrets”

You guys, Marie Claire is on some next-level nonsense these days, and it is a delight. Over on their dating blog — such a rich source of material lately! — man-blogger Rich Santos reveals “20 (More) Secrets Men Keep,” an amazing stock-photo slideshow, the highlights of which I’ve pasted below. Now we can know everything.

[W]e wonder if you talk about anything other than boyfriend, shoes, bags, and reality TV

I’m pretty sure I speak for all of us when I say “bag” and “small bag.”

My buddy and I gossip on IM during work. The average IM convo looks like this: Rich: “I can’t believe she’s going out with that guy. He’s not right for her.” Brian: “Agreed. Oh well, I guess she’ll find out the hard way.”

Haha. Just a normal exchange between humans, no big deal, no girls to murder later.

[O]ften, your voice sounds like the “wah-wah” adult voice in a Peanuts holiday special. You lose us in the beginning when it takes way too long to set something up. You need a hook and strong intro. There have been times when a female has spoken to me for ten minutes, I go to some other dimension

Oh, is that so? Go fuck yourself?

We Check Out Other Women (Even if We’re in Relationships) Sorry, but we notice a hot girl any time any place.

Nooooo!!!!

[W]hen we are getting back to NYC after a long trip, I’ll look at whatever buddy I am with and say: “so you’re going to eat, watch TV, pass out, and…” I’ll nod at him inferring masturbation. “Of course,” he’ll answer.

Ummm … you guuuyyyys! Whattt?!

I’m the rare male who never really seeks sex, and also doesn’t enjoy it.

:-/

[I]t’s no secret that we don’t like to think

: (

We might as well have been on the couch watching movies with a bottle of wine with the deep emotional things we were saying to each other.

I can’t even handle this one. If this sentence were food I’d wrap it in a napkin and bring it home.

All we can do with ours is go back and forth.

[Penises.] Ahh, I know I shouldn’t pick on poor Rich Santos, since he probably had to turn this around too quickly, and “men reveal!” lists like this have been done to death, but also, Jesus Christ. And bag. Large bag. Little bag with a bag inside. Big bag that has glitter.