tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74043457710222255412017-09-07T15:34:47.634-07:00Journals of a Polyamorous TriadAdventures in Polyamory! We live, love, and play in multiples.Russell Micklerhttps://plus.google.com/114899185486384101535noreply@blogger.comBlogger435125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-4049939323791947982016-12-03T09:24:00.000-08:002016-12-03T09:24:22.117-08:00Define Yourself<img src="webkit-fake-url://3088b5ba-1ae8-493e-9335-5d33b7f632ed/imagejpeg" /><br /><br /><br />Can I share a for real hard thing here? &nbsp;TW- rape.<br /><br />As a kid, I was a target of sexual assault while living overseas. <br /><br />Watching this video clip today brought that back up:<br /><br />https://www.facebook.com/OfficialSrslyTV/videos/1042301682559891/<br /><br />The bit about others defining you as damaged for being the target of sexual assault around the 3 minute mark is a huge part of why I didn't report for years, and certainly not to my parents. &nbsp;I'd already seen how my cousins, around the same age, who'd been molested by a church member, were seen as forever broken by those events.<br /><br />Last week, thirty years later, my mom basically told me that she thinks the rape broke me, and turned me into a liberal, critical thinker. &nbsp;It engendered such rage to have being sexually assaulted as a preteen thrown up at me as The Reason I'm poly, bi, atheist, and keep civil rights as a focus of my life. The things I am most proud of about myself.<br /><br />My partners have done more to support me in life than my family of origin ever has, and I am thankful to have found the level of love and acceptance within the poly community that I enjoy. <br /><br />For those of you out there that aren't sure you can do poly because bad things have happened to you, know that we are all carrying things with us. &nbsp;It doesn't define us (unless we allow that), and that you can have as many amazing relationships as anyone else!Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-57932244501259144512015-12-26T12:03:00.000-08:002015-12-26T12:04:35.763-08:00Gamer Poly<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nmPH8FSJUDY/Vn7xflA9jkI/AAAAAAAAA3k/2Q44TIVzrJI/s1600/dice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nmPH8FSJUDY/Vn7xflA9jkI/AAAAAAAAA3k/2Q44TIVzrJI/s320/dice.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />Warning: &nbsp;This post is pretty geeky.<br /><br />Allow me, if you will, to digress into gamer geek for a bit...Old school, "dice and a table, with real people" Dungeon's and Dragon's-type gaming. &nbsp;When Russell and I first met, some 22 years ago, it was over a gaming table. &nbsp;We've spent time gaming together, as friends, and later as partners. &nbsp;It's been a thing.<br /><br />For those of you that aren't super familiar with gaming, each person has a character they are playing, within a party of adventurers. &nbsp;There is one person generally running the show, the Game Master, who creates the storyline that the characters operate within. &nbsp;Different characters have different skills, strengths, and weaknesses, and with experience, they generally get better at things. <br /><br />When a player decides to do something, they roll dice to see if they are successful, or fail. &nbsp;If they're really good at something, they get to add bonuses to their roll, and if it's something they are not as good at, sometimes they have to subtract from their roll. &nbsp; Multiple characters working together at things can roll multiple dice, and use the strongest result. &nbsp;If someone has a phobia, or major issue going on, they roll multiple dice, and use the weakest result, being at a disadvantage.<br /><br />Let's pretend poly is like gaming for a moment: &nbsp;I have a character I play that is really good at some things, and not so good at others. &nbsp;The things I've put more time and energy into learning, I &nbsp;get bonuses at. &nbsp;My partners and metamours are my party of adventurers. The closest thing any of us has to a Game Master is ourselves, but we play with the rest of the party, also running their own games.<br /><br />Pooling my resources with my partners and metamours, I can roll multiple dice at advantage, because together we are stronger, and more likely to succeed at something highly challenging. &nbsp;When I'm sick, tired, or triggered by something, I may lose my bonus, not work well with others, or have to take a negative modifier to my rolls.<br /><br />Community, communication, collaboration, coordination, sexual energy, being touch-oriented, planning, initiation: &nbsp;These are all skills I've spent huge amounts of time, energy, and resources to build. &nbsp;I have a natural aptitude for many, and these are some strengths I can bring to a party. <br /><br />Because I'm so naturally inclined towards community, metamours start their connection with me rolling at advantage. &nbsp;I WANT to like them, get along well, be able to sit around the kitchen table planning upcoming events, and snuggle up with them and my partner, happily and comfortably. From that point, it's up to the whole party what happens next. &nbsp;Experiences we share together can build that up, neutralize the advantage, or tear it down. <br /><br />Sometimes, things go so far awry that people leave the party, because we don't play well together. We break up, or have a shift in connection. Sometimes, they stay in a different party with a shared partner, playing a separate game together. That is the hardest for me, but sometimes, it's the best of bad options.<br /><br />Part of my job as <i>my</i> personal GM is to decide if someone I want to add to the party will gel with the rest of the group, if their skills are up to the level we are playing at, and the obstacles we are trying to defeat. Can they handle full time play, or perhaps a recurring guest role is more suited? &nbsp;What are their strengths and weaknesses, and how are those likely to play out over time? Can the rest of the party compensate for some of those weaknesses, or is that overly burdensome? &nbsp;Are we likely to rely too heavily on their strengths, and deplete their resources doing so?<br /><br />Everyone is going to do their own thing within a game together, depending on who they are, and what they want. If we are really fortunate, there is consensus about the direction we are all heading, and our skills and experiences mesh well to produce a highly productive team. &nbsp;When that happens, it's a form of deliberately created magic, to be appreciated, cherished, and nurtured.<br /><br /><br />Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-29263669761904197942015-09-28T06:43:00.001-07:002015-09-28T07:04:33.833-07:00Learning to Fly/FallA couple months ago, I was at a poly meet where many newbies were present. &nbsp;A strong theme was regarding how to keep yourself, and your existing relationship, safe as a person exploring polyamory. One experienced soul said that safety was an illusion, and to just let go of the idea of having a "safe" environment. On the surface, that kind of bothered me. &nbsp;Part of our job as individuals is addressing our own safety, right?<br /><br />Watching high trapeze artists, one notices the athleticism, the coordination, the sychronicity, the skin tight outfits, the grace, and, perhaps less obviously, the net. &nbsp;You see, even with a seasoned professional who has been practicing the art of trapeze for many years in coordination with others, the reality is that someone, someday, is going to fall. &nbsp;There will be a misplaced hand, a slightly under/over powered maneuver, an off day. &nbsp;The more complexity, the more people involved in the act, the more likely it is to have a missed connection, the more important the net becomes. &nbsp; No one really wants to be at the show where a smashed skull is part of the entertainment. No one wants to <b>BE </b>that show!<br /><br />For me, polyamory is managed risk. &nbsp;I've tried some pretty freakin' challenging things, and sometimes the hands were there to catch me, and other times, I've fallen on my ass. &nbsp;I want that net! <br /><br />But what <b><i>is</i></b> a net in polyamory? &nbsp;It's the skills you learn to support <b><i>yourself,</i></b> even when things don't go according to plan, because they won't always. &nbsp;It's building the tenacity to climb the ladder again, grab the bar, and swing yourself into space in rhythm with other people, knowing that some days, some months, some <i><b>years</b></i>, are going to be spent falling over and over, as you attempt to learn a complex sequence together. &nbsp;It's learning to assess who is going to catch you, and who isn't. It's being honest with yourself about who wants to put the work in, and who isn't going to train hard enough to be capable of the more complex stunts. It's knowing when you need to swing out there on your own, and just practice hanging onto the bar, finding your<b><i> own </i></b>rhythm. <br /><br />The net isn't external. &nbsp;It's internal. &nbsp; When your internal net is strong, it's easier to try challenging, but highly rewarding things in your relationships! &nbsp;You can fly, knowing that, even if you fall, you'll catch yourself.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://a.scpr.org/i/66a01685f5707027b798296e1a081153/50410-full.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://a.scpr.org/i/66a01685f5707027b798296e1a081153/50410-full.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><br /><br />Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-9886051654940975432015-08-30T09:15:00.001-07:002015-08-30T09:24:56.963-07:00Scar TissueA couple years ago, I was going down the back steps to hop into the hot tub when I missed a step completely, and ended up falling heavily, albeit weirdly, on the front of my ankle. &nbsp;Not to be overly graphic, but the cement patio scraped a section of skin about two inches around completely off, so deeply the tendons were visible at spots. &nbsp;Not only did it really hurt, I was concerned about infection, and worried about working, because in my day job, I do therapeutic massage with my feet.<br /><br />So, I cleaned it up the best I could, applied some antibiotic ointment, one of those big fabric bandages, and hoped for the best. &nbsp;The next couple weeks in particular were a struggle to bend, extend, and push with that area of my body during work. &nbsp;It took significant force of will to just do the bare minimums, and I didn't do anything at the gym, or walking, if I could help it. <br /><br />Eventually, the skin began to regrow, knit together, and form a lump of scar tissue on the top of my ankle, and <i>that</i> became the new struggle: to keep the scar flexible as it healed, so that I didn't lose range of motion. &nbsp;This is where my job became an asset to me. &nbsp;Since I move my feet in more different directions in an hour than most people do in a day, the scar tissue healed well, bulky, but flexible. It is stronger than the original skin, but also takes up more space. &nbsp;It used to be angry and red, but now, two years later, its mostly blends in with the paleness that is the norm for my body.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wF3UFAeUD0E/VeMsH84IZMI/AAAAAAAAAxg/fC4UBGOMQR4/s1600/IMG_0593.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wF3UFAeUD0E/VeMsH84IZMI/AAAAAAAAAxg/fC4UBGOMQR4/s320/IMG_0593.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br /><br />Things changed in my poly life last year. &nbsp;There was the loss of a significant relationship, a major shift in my connection with my metamours, and substantial change in the way my parenting landscape works. &nbsp;It felt like my whole emotional life was a gaping wound, showing my internal weaknesses, and vulnerability. &nbsp;I couldn't get away from all the ways I failed myself, failed others, even if I could logically see that much of what happened was unavoidable. So, I took a big step back from community, from connection, from dating, from risk. &nbsp;I holed up, and tried to keep those wounds from getting infected. &nbsp;Wrapped the pain up tightly, and waited to heal.<br /><br />The biggest challenge was that those hurts didn't heal up nice and neat. &nbsp;They kept breaking open, and for a long time that confused me. &nbsp;I was <i>doing</i> self-care. &nbsp;I <i>had </i>a supportive and loving partner. &nbsp;Why weren't things getting better faster? &nbsp;Then it occurred to me: &nbsp;The scar was getting stiff, because I wasn't using those areas of my heart that had been damaged. &nbsp;I'd shut things down in a bid to protect myself, but every time I tried to move forward in some fashion, I hadn't built the flexibility to do that without pulling those wounds open.<br /><br />So, I started to stretch again. &nbsp;Cautiously, carefully, and consciously. &nbsp;I went on a few dates, and for several months, I had limited ability to connect with anyone on a deeper level, so I'd usually flame out pretty quickly, and then take another breather before I tried again.<br /><br />Eventually, I met a fellow, M, who was newer to the area, and part of a live-in quad, doing the type of poly I like to do, with an extended family feel. We connected well, and formed a solid connection. I met M's wife, and other her partner, and his wife and child. &nbsp;That was all good, yet hard too, because it felt a lot like what I had, and lost, but this time, I didn't back up. &nbsp;I kept stretching those wounds, and reaching out towards the people, the bonds, and the environments that feed me the most, and things started to feel a little easier. &nbsp;I was moving in the direction of being a bit more fully ME again.<br /><br />Over time, the desire to write, to use my voice again, has been growing. &nbsp;After having things blow apart, I didn't find much value in sharing my thoughts. &nbsp;It felt hypocritical to think I had anything of value to contribute. &nbsp;That's started to change, so I've begun writing. Some of that content you're not likely to see anytime soon, as it's still too raw for public consumption. Perhaps someday in the medium term. &nbsp;For now, some of what you'll read here is easy, and some will be more challenging. Bear with me... This post is a step in that process.<br /><br />The drive to create something broadly useful within the community has reasserted itself, so I restarted the Poly Discussion Group, began a Face Book group to support that, and also moderate another poly forum. This time though, I've asked for more help, more input from the people around me to build additional structure, to contribute in ways that don't leave me feeling like this is all my ball to push uphill alone. The first meeting after taking a year off was last weekend, and it was wonderful! &nbsp;Even better has been the follow through afterwards. &nbsp;I'm excited and optimistic about the possibilities!<br /><br />Last week M was out of town, and I got to spend some extra time with my metamour. &nbsp;That stretched something in me a bit. &nbsp;To have someone deliberately choose to spend their time and energy with me, even in the absence of our shared partner, because I am comforting and enjoyable to be with. &nbsp;I've also gotten to spend extra time in other contexts with the other people in their household over the past couple weeks, and have deeply appreciated the extension of energy and acceptance. &nbsp;Feeling like I have something to offer, to others, and to myself, is my happy place.<br /><br />Choosing not to do something that feeds me because I am afraid it will be taken away is a horrid reason to stop reaching. &nbsp;Yes, take time to close gaping wounds, and remain aware that the scars formed will take stretching, and management on an ongoing basis. &nbsp;That's what baggage is, and whether it impedes the path forward, or gets unpacked, is up to each of us. Right now, life isn't all sunshine and puppies, but it <i>is</i> something I can work with, &nbsp;finding the depth of resolve that drives me, and creating anew, even with these scars.Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-68228947248004484222015-07-14T10:32:00.000-07:002015-07-14T13:26:35.290-07:00Why Won't I Date Someone Who Is Cheating?<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-s7evyDcSTYM/VaVwR9jcJEI/AAAAAAAAAWw/0MgZmxBI7x4/s640/blogger-image--135462928.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-s7evyDcSTYM/VaVwR9jcJEI/AAAAAAAAAWw/0MgZmxBI7x4/s640/blogger-image--135462928.jpg"></a></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div>Although I'd much rather be enjoying the pleasant canoodling I was anticipating, than writing this blog post, some stories must be told, and some things must be said!&nbsp;</span><div><br></div><div>This week, I was going to have a second date with a new prospective partner. We had a mutual kink that we both wanted to explore. &nbsp;The first meeting went well, but there was just something that seemed off...something I couldn't quite put my finger on...So I kept asking questions, and finally got very direct: "Is there anyone else that might be upset by our interacting?" He said that this kink was one his partner (hadn't been mentioned) wasn't interested in exploring with him, and so he was looking elsewhere without their knowledge. &nbsp;Please understand that he loves her, they have a good relationship, but he really wants this particular thing in his life. &nbsp;Just give him a chance.<br><br>Sigh. &nbsp;If I had a dollar for every time I've heard variations on that story...<br><br>Too often I've heard the "ethically" non-monogamous justify their involvement as an integral part of a cheating dynamic as it not being any of their business what someone else does/does not do within their other relationships. &nbsp;They say personal autonomy trumps any responsibility they have to say "No" to involving themselves with someone who is cheating on their partner with the poly person. &nbsp;They say that the situation is complicated, and it would be too hard for the other person to make changes to create an honest environment. &nbsp;They say that we shouldn't judge anyone else's actions by our own standards.<br><br>Calling bullshit on all that mess.<br><br>At the minimum, it is MY standard to assure (as much as I can) that a third party isn't having their ability to consent taken away from them via lack of information, where I would be complicit in that deceit. &nbsp;It's irrelevant that I personally am not breaking agreements to pursue that connection. &nbsp;Being a partner of someone who is cheating on their other person isn't who I want to be. &nbsp;Having a partner who is cheating isn't a partner I want to have. &nbsp;The potential damage to my world isn't worth that risk. <br><br>Most people think it's going to be the end of the world if they rip off the band aid and tell their partner they want additional connections. &nbsp;They are probably right in assessing it will be disruptive. &nbsp;Personally, I've done that work, and I want to only date other people that are willing to work that hard too. &nbsp;No cheaters. &nbsp;No excuses.</div>Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-17620046354743107352014-12-27T09:13:00.001-08:002014-12-27T09:17:24.652-08:00Repeat with me: I am not a special snowflake!'Tis a common conceit to think of ourselves as unique individuals, and of course we are, in ways that are very similar to other people...😉. So why is it that, upon examination of a thorny issue in our personal lives, the tendency is to disregard our own wisdom, and embark on a course that is less than likely to end in a successful outcome?&nbsp;<div><br></div><div>Let's say your buddy, Pat, asks your advice on when the best time to come out to a potential new partner is? &nbsp;Well, of course you know this one! &nbsp;Sooner is better, and certainly before feelings and physical intimacy have developed. &nbsp;Then <i>you</i> meet Davon in the bookstore, end up having coffee and talking for hours, have some spontaneous kisses, and somehow it never comes up that you have other partners and choose to have poly relationships...</div><div><br></div><div>You listen to someone at a discussion group talking about their attraction (this is feeling like a relationship, with intense feelings) to their coworker, who is in a monogamous relationship. &nbsp;Their current poly partner isn't so very pleased about this, and it's causing friction there. &nbsp;Pretty sure they're just jealous...and wonder how they could possibly be ignoring so many red flags, missing the pieces they say their ethical framework is based upon? &nbsp;Then you find yourself in a similar space, mouthing all the same justifications and rationalizations for why this isn't a complete disaster waiting to happen. &nbsp;Why? &nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Because it's YOU! &nbsp;Let's face it, you're pretty special, so special, in fact, that the common sense advice you would give any other human being in the same position doesn't really apply. &nbsp;You're smarter, better, deserve more out of life, and certainly you can mold the world, and the people around you, into a more pleasing outcome than anyone else in the same circumstances would!</div><div><br></div><div>Can you hear yourself!?! &nbsp;Just stop. &nbsp;Take a moment, if you are in a sticky situation, to consider the path you might advise someone else to take, hypothetically speaking, and try doing <b><i>that</i></b> instead of what you have been doing! &nbsp;Perhaps you could even listen to the friends and partners giving you the reasonable sounding advice, and actually change your course. &nbsp;Do something reasonable that isn't based on the underlying belief that <i>You Are Uniquely Different</i> in a way that exempts you from utilizing common sense. &nbsp;Do you want to build a snowman? &nbsp;(Ducks and covers)</div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-46Kn1cRHp5Y/VJ7pkVWS6xI/AAAAAAAAASU/xROg7JjPuCE/s640/blogger-image--1580545553.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-46Kn1cRHp5Y/VJ7pkVWS6xI/AAAAAAAAASU/xROg7JjPuCE/s640/blogger-image--1580545553.jpg"></a></div>Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-18721592928801637072014-11-16T10:41:00.001-08:002014-11-16T11:04:34.320-08:00Cheating Cheaters<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-B01QpI8jsS8/VGj03l8YOnI/AAAAAAAAARI/HC8DiiJJ1RA/s640/blogger-image--1357230455.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-B01QpI8jsS8/VGj03l8YOnI/AAAAAAAAARI/HC8DiiJJ1RA/s640/blogger-image--1357230455.jpg"></a></div>It's no big secret that one of the main avenues for people entering poly is via cheating on an existing partner. &nbsp; Often, people having an affair, who still have feelings and investment within their vintage connection, find that they no longer are satisfied with the lying, the division in their life and personal ethics, and choose to "come clean", attempting to open up into a more ethically non-monogamous environment. &nbsp;It usually ends in spectacular disaster, often permanently ending relationships. &nbsp;There are vows to never go back to monogamy, or assertations that poly is a force for destruction, and a tool for people to cheat, and put a pleasant face on it. &nbsp;Sometimes, the storm is weathered, and people come out the other side stronger and more dedicated, with a new shared vision.<div><br></div><div>It's an inconvenient truth that cheating doesn't always stop once one becomes poly, and is something we would rather not discuss. &nbsp;After all, a main differentiation point for poly is that WE are honest in our dealings within our relationships, so cheating behavior is pretty thoroughly scorned, disavowed, and abhored within our community. &nbsp;Still, it's certainly not unheard of for people who would prefer to think of themselves as ethically non-monogamous to backslide in those ethical ideals, and stray towards cheating behaviors.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>It's confused me. &nbsp;We're poly! &nbsp;Our current relationships are all set up that way.&nbsp;<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We have all this freedom! &nbsp;Why fuck it up?&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Why would one ever choose to skip the consent and information sharing section in favor of deceit and deliberate damaging of trust built in their life? Here are a few ideas I've observed being bandied about:&nbsp;</span></div><div><br></div><div><i>I'm not willing to do the work to integrate a new person into my existing life. &nbsp;</i>Either there's a lack of communication skills with one or more involved, or a difference in poly styles that makes the new person incompatible with what currently exists.</div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><i><br></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><i>I get off on having a Dirty Little Secret. &nbsp;</i>It feels naughty, taboo, and there is still a charge there, the thrill of having a secret, getting away with something.</span></div><div><i><br></i></div><div><i>It's just faster to get what I want, right now, without the "burden" of consent. </i>&nbsp;I want what I want, and I want it now!!! &nbsp;Why should I take the time to send that text message to my partners, or delay the gratification I seek in the now? &nbsp;I'm a free person, and I can do what I want, when I want, with whom I want, and I'm not sure this opportunity will be there again, if I wait.&nbsp;</div><div><i><br></i></div><div><i>I still feel like it's "wrong/selfish" to desire another person. &nbsp;</i>There are often mono societal tapes playing in the background, usually with everyone involved, that lead towards guilt. &nbsp;What they don't know, won't hurt them!</div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><i><br></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><i>I'm doing this for the protection of my existing partner(s). &nbsp;</i>They're sick/pregnant/unable to consent in some fashion. &nbsp;It's finals week. &nbsp;</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The timing is just awful. &nbsp;Seriously. &nbsp;It'd be selfish for me to bring this up right now. &nbsp;I'll double back later.&nbsp;</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><br></i></span></div><div><i>I've&nbsp;</i><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">made an agreement that I did</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><i>n't really desire personally, and don't know how to/if it can be successfully renegotiated. &nbsp;</i>This one is tricky. &nbsp;You said yes, and often those sorts of agreements are made to protect your existing partner from something that is hard for them to do, and something you understand the reasons behind. &nbsp;To change those agreements will take buy in from your existing partner(s), and you may not feel confident in their willingness to do that, or your own worthiness of their effort in this regard.&nbsp;</span></div><div><i><br></i></div><div><i>I fear that a current partner might look at my new dating choice and feel like I'm missing something major that would preclude that being a good idea to pursue; the Jiminy Cricket Effect. </i>&nbsp;Most of us are aware that our own judgment can be skewed in the early stages of a relationship, and we may very well be ignoring major, flashing, neon signs that read, "Path to destruction!". &nbsp;It's harder to ignore those signs when an outside, loved, and trusted source, is pointing them out to you, and also mentioning that they are likely to harmed in this as well. &nbsp;Better to just sidestep that inconvenience...</div><div><br></div><div>There's a semi-comprehensive list of reasons for cheating in poly! Wasn't that fun? That whole section is just a recitation of justifications for poor behavior. &nbsp;It's bullshit rationalizing to get your own way, without considering larger ramifications. If your brain, or body part of your choice, is headed down any of these pathways, back up the boat!</div><div><br></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I've never regretted putting off sex, or not moving faster in a new relationship to attend to the needs of my current partners and relationships, even when I'm crawling out of my skin with NRE. &nbsp;It's a big old lie based in scarcity thinking that everything worth having must be had NOW, or it will evaporate into the ether.&nbsp;</span>Take the time! Do the work! Get some new skills, if you're in over your head! &nbsp;Find a mentor! &nbsp;If you're unable to renegotiate, move out of the current relationship before you embark on the next! &nbsp;Delayed gratification will not kill you. &nbsp;Hold the line. &nbsp;Don't cheat.&nbsp;</div>Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-44410748261090902512014-11-01T09:13:00.001-07:002014-11-01T09:19:16.955-07:00Emotional Transportation<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-velfwVAJe7c/VFUIA52TrFI/AAAAAAAAAQk/9at62rYaycs/s640/blogger-image-1462915281.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-velfwVAJe7c/VFUIA52TrFI/AAAAAAAAAQk/9at62rYaycs/s640/blogger-image-1462915281.jpg"></a></div>Let's talk cars! &nbsp;I'm not much of a car person, or haven't been until the past couple years. &nbsp;It's transportation. &nbsp;Get me from A to B reliably, with an eye towards cost containment. &nbsp;Some people seem to feel a bond to their vehicle that is inexplicable to me. &nbsp;It becomes an extension of their person, their ego, sometimes even their sexual identity, or verility. &nbsp;<div><br></div><div>There are many different approaches to cars and such, and most people seem to have some pattern to their preferences. &nbsp;The rental, the lease, the fix-up project, the classic/vintage, public transportation, self-propelled, and the buy-then-drive-it-until-the-wheels-fall-off. Historically, I've been the wheels-fall-off type. &nbsp;Upon reflection, I realize that is very similar to my approach to relationships, in general. While I have exited relationships that were "totaled", that moving beyond is usually preceded by a significant amount of repair work, and attempts to get things running well again.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>It's worth trying to understand about the people you are connecting with what their approach to "emotional transportation" is. &nbsp; Do they enjoy a simple lease program, where one pops it back to the dealer in 2-3 years, trying not to put too many miles on it, and relatively free from the burden of upkeep? &nbsp;Do they enjoy a good project car, where the joy is in tinkering with it, fixing it, making it better, but only taking it out when the weather is fine, and there's an appreciative audience to ooh and ahh over how shiny it is? Do they like a good spin at the wheel of a rental, with that new car smell, lots of flexibility on the mileage, drive it hard, and turn the keys back over? Perhaps they're a more community-minded public transit sort, such that they want to get on and off at will, without the pressures of ownership, more an open zone on an as needed basis? Maybe they like to buy a vehicle, keep it for years, upkeep it well, and aren't too concerned if it no longer has the same sheen to the paint job, or if there are some quirks to daily operation? &nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>There's room in poly for all these types, and some blend well, but if you're someone who seeks a wheels-fall-off connection, try to be cognizant if you're falling for someone who is more geared for a lease or rental. &nbsp;Some people find little value in approaching relationships with longevity as a priority, living for maximal value in the moment, and when that moment has passed, open to the next ride. &nbsp;</div><div><br></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div>Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-39635389382340889362014-08-16T10:37:00.000-07:002014-08-16T10:37:33.977-07:00Polyamory is Hard<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aPiNWua1-So/U--JOq0LYTI/AAAAAAAAF9s/OkGZDeMUpFo/s1600/polyamory-is-hard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aPiNWua1-So/U--JOq0LYTI/AAAAAAAAF9s/OkGZDeMUpFo/s1600/polyamory-is-hard.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>I was talking to my therapist the other day.<br /><br />Actually, it was couples therapy.<br /><br />And, actually, I brought this up twice because, in all honesty, I have <i>two</i> sets of therapists: one I see with my partner/girlfriend and the other I see with my wife.<br /><br />Polyamory is <i>hard&nbsp;</i>...<br /><br />... which, I think, should be pretty obvious in that I'm seeing two therapists but that's not the point.<br /><br />I opted for this lifestyle because it offered such a range of possibility. It challenges conventional thoughts about love and marriages, pushes my boundaries, and forces me to routinely think about feminism and masculinity, commitment, and love in a myriad of ways. I chose this lifestyle and I'm fully committed to it.<br /><br />Still, it's <i>damn</i> hard.<br /><br />Sure, open relationships and sex with multiple people - right on, sounds pretty cool to you, right? - until you have to sit down and do the work.<br /><br />There's the routine stuff:<br /><br /><ul><li>Constant (endless) communication</li></ul><ul><li>Questioning assumptions that you have about love and relationships</li></ul><ul><li>Calendaring and scheduling</li></ul><ul><li>Expectations management</li></ul><ul><li>Emotional processing - sex, love, jealousy, guilt, regret, etc.</li></ul><br />I mean, all of that takes a great deal of energy amongst multiple partners but these are just the surface, the most obvious things.<br /><br />Then there's the long-term, extended stuff:<br /><br /><ul><li>The legal differentiation between partners (example: a "wife" affords a legal distinction over a "partner"), leading to a whole rats nest of issues concerning wills/probate, medical care, rights over your assets, etc.</li></ul><ul><li>Re-thinking the roles of "husband, wife, partner" - and the promises those titles imply - in the context of multiple people.</li></ul><ul><li>Break-ups and ending/transitioning relationships that've lasted for years.</li></ul><ul><li>Challenges surrounding space, distance, travel, and cohabitation. Not everyone wants to live together; not everyone likes the same kinds of personal space. Those are some tough compromises.</li></ul><ul><li>Embracing inequity. Poly's inherently unfair. My wife has made sacrifices that enable me to spend time, energy, and resources on my partner, which often excludes her. Meanwhile, my partner isn't around me as often as my wife, and, doesn't attend family travel, and I'm not always around, which excludes her, creating her own set of sacrifices. Resolving those inequities is a full-time preoccupation.</li></ul><ul><li>Retirement and security. Our social systems are setup to benefit a spouse. I worry about guaranteeing financial peace-of-mind to my partner and helping build her own security, nest-egg, medical and insurance and investment portfolio, etc.&nbsp;</li></ul><ul><li>Combining or separating the finances of multiple people, how to communicate and work with cash flow shortages, new financial expectations, etc.</li></ul><ul><li>Realizing that you can't ever make everyone happy. Instead, poly is a lifestyle of compromises where everyone doesn't get exactly what they want: there's only so much time, so much space, and so much of you to go around.</li></ul><ul><li>Getting along with extended connections (metamours, partners of partners) and intentional family for long periods of time.</li></ul><br />So poly is hard. Personally, it hurts that I can't give everything to both of my partners and make both of them 100-percent happy at the same time. It's a constant process of compromise, learning, re-tooling my skillets, and managing expectations.<br /><br />And I think anyone just getting into polyamory should know that it's hard. In fact, just last week, I was at a bar on Mississippi Avenue just last week with a bunch of enthusiastic poly-newcomers. I was kind of a Debbie-downer in that crowd, but I think it's real. Poly looks pretty good on paper, especially if perceived in the context of short-run but everyone should be prepared for the long-game, and what that means in their lives.<br /><br />RRussell Micklerhttps://plus.google.com/114899185486384101535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-57940557160686437022014-07-11T15:03:00.001-07:002014-08-28T09:20:51.424-07:00Don't tell me I need better boundaries....One of the things we touch on pretty often in poly is "having good boundaries". &nbsp;We all have things that work better for us as individuals, and a big part of beginning, and sustaining, a strong relationship, is sharing those with each other, and having that as an innate part of the relationship. &nbsp;Sometimes, it seems as though people feel that just about anything is renegotiable, can change, will be okay moving forward, as long as we have good boundaries. It's becoming a pet peeve of mine.&nbsp;<div><br></div><div>Boundaries are ideas we put into place to protect ourselves, and others, from being walked all over, or having our consent violated in some fashion. They are tools to create an environment where we aren't taking advantage of anyone, and they aren't taking advantage of us. &nbsp;In my professional life, in parenting, in public spaces, I have a plethora of boundaries. When it comes to my personal life, the relationships I share with people I love, it would be my ideal to have minimal boundaries, not because boundaries are bad, but because they wouldn't be needed.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>I'm a pretty giving sort of person. &nbsp;I enjoy being in relationships where I can be generous to others, consider their needs and wants along with my own. &nbsp; If I find myself spending lots of time and energy holding boundaries in a relationship, that isn't being reciprocated. &nbsp;It's being sucked dry. &nbsp;It's settling for less that what I need in a given relationship to feel healthy and happy. It's putting up walls against intimacy over and over again to protect myself.</div><div><br></div><div>So, I'm working towards the radical ideal of reducing my boundaries by choosing to be in relationships and friendships only with those people who consider my happiness and health with their own. &nbsp;Because, sometimes the answer isn't to get better boundaries, it's to be connected with happy, healthy, considerate people who grok that the happiness of each individual lends itself to the joyous expression of the whole within poly, and chooses to think and feel in a more expanded context than self.&nbsp;</div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-TSkWFtlNnAA/U_9W35zADJI/AAAAAAAAAO4/bXRpf7BlHEs/s640/blogger-image-672893155.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-TSkWFtlNnAA/U_9W35zADJI/AAAAAAAAAO4/bXRpf7BlHEs/s640/blogger-image-672893155.jpg"></a></div>Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-60120566686345001862014-06-29T20:44:00.001-07:002014-06-29T20:58:42.736-07:00Sharing Information is NOT Asking Permission.<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-j7PURiZN0dA/U7Dgbher8fI/AAAAAAAAANg/6ENU6uXnXVI/s640/blogger-image--23170709.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-j7PURiZN0dA/U7Dgbher8fI/AAAAAAAAANg/6ENU6uXnXVI/s640/blogger-image--23170709.jpg"></a></div>A does something that's not consented to within their relationship, and, when A's partner is upset about it, A is angry with that response because, "I don't need anyone's permission do to anything I want. I own my body, my time, and it is my right to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and with whom." &nbsp;A is correct. &nbsp;Those are all choices that each person gets to make for themselves. &nbsp;It's also a poor way to stay in a connected relationship with anyone that actually gives a rats ass.</span><br><div><br></div><div>The thing that perpetually sticks in my craw is the conflation of "asking permission" and "sharing information, and/or asking for input". &nbsp;They aren't the same thing. &nbsp;My current partners count in my world. &nbsp;I'm not asking permission when I say, "I think I've got a date coming up later this week with New Person. &nbsp;Does this time/date work for you? &nbsp;Do you have any input on what boundaries would feel reasonable to you? I'm thinking that the interaction is likely to look like _______." &nbsp;I'm digging into my own trusted resources, acknowledging that my life doesn't exist in a vacuum of my own desires, and sharing what I might desire for myself. &nbsp;<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Choosing to share information, or limit my own actions in any way out of consideration for someone else IS&nbsp;</span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">me exercising personal agency, not them controlling me, or submitting control of myself to another. &nbsp;It is in my own best self-interest to bring my partners along with me, rather than just dictating my decisions, so I put effort into making that happen.&nbsp;</span></div><div><br></div><div>Maybe I've just been super fortunate in choosing non-controlling people, but in my experience, the more I share with my partners, the more they feel like they DO have input, the faster and easier it is to get where I want to go without alienating anyone, or feeling stifled. &nbsp;Why? &nbsp;They feel listened to, safe, relevant, considered, valued, and have the information desired to manage expectations. &nbsp;They say yes, and they mean it, they share relevant information about their perceptions, their feelings and desires, and I make stronger decisions that benefit us, that benefit ME more.&nbsp;</div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><br></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div>Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-71578979620791735542014-06-23T15:25:00.000-07:002014-06-29T21:02:26.641-07:00Renegotiate first<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-L9PgWBkxWCY/U7DhUcqu5QI/AAAAAAAAANs/emg34K14SVI/s640/blogger-image--1257875035.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-L9PgWBkxWCY/U7DhUcqu5QI/AAAAAAAAANs/emg34K14SVI/s640/blogger-image--1257875035.jpg"></a></div><img src="webkit-fake-url://5DFE6B31-537C-41E0-AF65-A3991F4CA329/imagegif"><br><br>There was a situation brought up on a discussion board recently where a person was very upset. &nbsp;A partner of many months had broken an agreement to share ahead of time the intent to pursue others, had sex with a friend of the poster, and informed the poster after the fact. Via text.&nbsp;</div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;">Sending a text after the fact is better than not telling at all, but to inform a partner after, rather than before, as per the agreement they shared, was just an attempt to sidestep a potentially uncomfortable conversation. &nbsp;The poster's partner took the coward's way out by waiting until afterwards to bring it up.&nbsp;</div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;">Why? Fulfillment in the moment (despite the potential fallout and damage to follow) is more highly prized by some than the health of on-going, established relationships. &nbsp;</div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;">Having been at the whole ethically non-monogamous gig for over a decade, I can honestly say it has never damaged me, or ruined my opportunities for sex, to bring my partners up to speed before proceeding. The idea that the sex evaporates because of a pause is pretty deeply rooted in scarcity thinking, and possibly even predatory behavior.&nbsp;</div><div style="margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;">Not everyone structures their relationships the way the poster and their partner do, so the above won't apply. &nbsp;Most of us DO have <i>some</i> form of agreement within our relationships, however, and the following advice applies across the board: &nbsp;If one is in a situation where the agreements made with a partner chafe, renegotiate BEFORE taking actions that violate the agreement.&nbsp; It's the most loving thing one can do, for oneself, one's partner, and the new person being connected with.&nbsp;</div>Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-7902926755194394012014-06-06T08:10:00.000-07:002014-06-06T08:11:33.635-07:00Echo Chamber<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nUOnT6nvqEY/U5HZrBP39dI/AAAAAAAAAM0/6kM4H40qOcM/s1600/220px-Hamilton_Mausoleum_Interior.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nUOnT6nvqEY/U5HZrBP39dI/AAAAAAAAAM0/6kM4H40qOcM/s1600/220px-Hamilton_Mausoleum_Interior.jpg" /></a></div><br /><br />There have been a lot of changes in the past several months. &nbsp;Other than my connection with Russell, all the other relationships I've been involved with have ended. &nbsp;Amicably, for good reasons, and all that jazz. &nbsp;Still, for the first time in 13 years, I have one partner, and it feels bloody strange.<br /><br />Over the past decade and change I've worked diligently to increase my capacity to be emotionally connected to others, to process, to communicate, to be part of something larger than a couple. &nbsp;Right now, there is a void where my poly life usually sits, as though I'm rattling around in my own head and heart, empty nesting with Russell.<br /><br />When I consider the style of poly I prefer, it's similar to being in a triathlon. &nbsp;I bike, I swim, I run. &nbsp;Being functionally emotionally monogamous at the moment, it's as though I can bike, but running and swimming are off the table. &nbsp;I can still break a sweat, but muscles I normally use are stiff and sore from neglect. &nbsp;Others are being overused, because you can only ride a bike so long before you get saddle-sore... ;)<br /><br />Dating a bit now, it feels like taking a short training run, or swim. &nbsp;Just enough to be a reminder of what I deeply enjoy doing and feeling, but not enough to really scratch that itch. This isn't a lack in my relationship, with Russell, or with myself. &nbsp;I am happy with what is happening with him, with us, with me. &nbsp;In many ways, this is a positive interlude! &nbsp;Even if I had no partners, the core of who I am doesn't change. &nbsp;Right now, it just feels a bit...overly capacious.Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-47706707095556156172014-05-30T21:25:00.000-07:002014-05-31T08:34:21.263-07:00Enjoy What Becomes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EVLREL5iSSQ/U4lYXxcZ5RI/AAAAAAAAF8k/kz66qFhkhJg/s1600/path+of+self+discovery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EVLREL5iSSQ/U4lYXxcZ5RI/AAAAAAAAF8k/kz66qFhkhJg/s1600/path+of+self+discovery.jpg" height="150" width="200"></a></div>It's been a while since I've posted.<br><br>Suffice it to say that I've been living the grand poly lifestyle and ran headlong into a nest of sticky wickets. The long of the short story is that horrible mistakes were made, feelings were hurt, and a lot of hard work is being done by everyone to lick their wounds and right all the wrongs. My heart hasn't been in writing about love. It's been a terribly long month and I'm glad it is over.<br><br>Reflecting lately as I have on the lifestyle of Polyamory, the more I'm convinced that it's more a journey of self-discovery - more that than a destination, a label, a title, or an orientation. Polyamory is a <i>process</i>.<br><br>It is a process of reinvention, continuously re-examining your beliefs and your assumptions, to arrive at something more genuine and more authentic in your relationships. Along the way, through heartbreak, tears, anger, frustration, and fear, you change. You learn about yourself - your limitations, your inadequacies, your strengths, and your capabilities - that (hopefully) will make you a better partner, lover, friend, wife or husband.<br><br>After all, caught in a complex web of relationships between <i>n</i>-number of people, how could we ever assume everything can and will remain <i>static</i>? Polyamory through its nature inherently invites change and ensures that the status quo is invariably short-lived. Poly is an awesome catalyst for self-discovery.<br><br>And for me, there's been a lot of work this month on self-discovery. I think I'll leave it at that, but I will say that for a long time I've been intensely focused on outcomes - the final destination - in my own Polyamorous relationships. Yet lately, I'm more likely to focus almost entirely on the <i>now</i>. Living the <i>now</i>, enjoying the <i>now</i>, accepting what the <i>now</i> is and what it can offer. Loving everything about what the <i>now</i> can be.<br><br>I recently read that Benjamin Franklin asked himself in the morning, "What good shall I do today?" Okay, so lately my spin on Benny has been, "Today, what good can I do for each of my partners?" What can I do, right now, <i>today</i>, to make the most of each bond in my life, and to accept the joy that each of them brings me, instead of focusing on the end-game. Take it one day at a time. Enjoy what <i>becomes</i>. And it's helping.<br><br>R<br><br><br>Russell Micklerhttps://plus.google.com/114899185486384101535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-72063649999803106662014-04-18T08:29:00.001-07:002014-04-18T08:29:48.278-07:00No, I won't send you a naked picture...No, dude-I-have-not-yet-met-off-the-internet, I will not send you a naked, and/or sexy picture of me. &nbsp;Yes, I do understand, and agree, that physical attraction is an important component of many relationships, and that you want to get a look at the goods before gracing me with your presence at a coffee shop. &nbsp;<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">&nbsp;I'll even send you a recent face shot, like a selfie taken within the past week. &nbsp;</span>There are many pictures I have posted publicly on various websites that show a lot of those goods. &nbsp; If you're too lazy to look where I tell you there are pictures of that sort, you're too lazy for me to take time out of my day to meet.<div><br></div><div>In over a decade of non-monogamous dating, I've run into the "I'm entitled to look at your body because, being poly, you must be indiscriminate about sharing said body." guy more times than I can count. &nbsp;They often send the unsolicited dick pic, in an attempt to create a quid pro quo environment. &nbsp;Trust me on this, if a woman hasn't asked, and hasn't met you, she has no desire to be confronted with your man-bits in a text or email. &nbsp;If she hasn't offered, she is similarly not inclined to send you racy pictures.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>This isn't a difficult concept to absorb, so take it on board now. &nbsp;When you've been chatting a woman up, and they stop responding after you've asked for hawt pix for the third time, it isn't a mystery. &nbsp;They've decided you're a creeper. &nbsp;You've been disqualified based on your own behavior. &nbsp;It has nothing to do with women being "teases", or too chicken to follow through with in person meetings. &nbsp;It's you. &nbsp;</div><div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-RYkIebvcfds/U1FE6qIQoOI/AAAAAAAAALs/KMaq1YeUcfE/s640/blogger-image-1313367162.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-RYkIebvcfds/U1FE6qIQoOI/AAAAAAAAALs/KMaq1YeUcfE/s640/blogger-image-1313367162.jpg"></a></div><br></div></div>Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-17370469772240212022014-04-04T08:09:00.001-07:002014-04-04T11:46:37.961-07:00So close, yet so far away...One of the great things about poly is that, a good chunk of the time, you stay friends with people you've been in relationships with, even after the relationship has shifted to a friendship, or some version of non-romantic.<div><br></div><div>One of the tough things&nbsp;<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">about poly is that, a good chunk of the time, you stay friends with people you've been in relationships with, even after the relationship has shifted to a friendship, or some version of non-romantic.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There is something bittersweet about hugging and holding someone you still love, yet are no longer with. &nbsp;It seems much more common in this community than when I was monogamous, to have amicable connections, even close friendships, with people that used to be lovers and partners. &nbsp;For me, the feelings are often still there, the attraction is still present, but there is some compelling reason that I am choosing not to be in a romantic relationship with them. &nbsp;It can feel murky, confusing, and yet, still satisfying to wade through. &nbsp;</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">This conflicted feeling is usually most intense in the weeks/months immediately following a shift in connection, but in some cases, I find it lasts for years. &nbsp;It is a value to me to not cut people out of my life when the relationship changes, barring unhealthy dynamics, but that doesn't mean it's always a piece of cake to keep in touch. &nbsp;At times, it's been necessary to take some period of time completely apart to allow my feelings to cool down before reinitiating a different type of bond.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Giving myself permission to take space when I need it, to ask my existing partners for comfort&nbsp;</span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">when I'm feeling melancholy about a change, and to delve into staying connected, even when it isn't completely comfortable, are skills I keep working on. &nbsp;What do you find most useful in working your way through transitions in relationships?<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-bOV2OfaaxTI/Uz7M0Ln-mOI/AAAAAAAAAK0/VivEdCy6A4Y/s640/blogger-image-1841200655.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-bOV2OfaaxTI/Uz7M0Ln-mOI/AAAAAAAAAK0/VivEdCy6A4Y/s640/blogger-image-1841200655.jpg"></a></div></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div>Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-83678696825946247222014-03-16T14:59:00.001-07:002014-03-16T19:59:53.840-07:00What are Your Values in Relationships?<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bAufOEdlefo/UyZjuRntcxI/AAAAAAAAF7k/QvWzXGIflcE/s1600/relationship-values-in-polyamory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bAufOEdlefo/UyZjuRntcxI/AAAAAAAAF7k/QvWzXGIflcE/s1600/relationship-values-in-polyamory.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: inherit;">I facilitated a polyamorous group discussion the other week and received positive feedback on it, so I wanted to take a few minutes to transform that discussion into a blog post.</span><br /><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">First, I asked everyone for an open discussion on values as they pertain to relationships. Relationships in general - it doesn't have to be expressly polyamorous relationships. These are the attributes, characteristics, and things of importance to you when you're engaged in a relationship. Some of the attendees said:</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><br /><br /><ul><li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Transparency</span></li></ul><ul><li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Honesty</span></li></ul><ul><li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Growth</span></li></ul><ul><li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Freedom</span></li></ul><ul><li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Affection</span></li></ul><ul><li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Trust</span></li></ul><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">I then asked if everyone could make a list of the top three most important ones to them, for these are the qualities you're looking for in a relationship and what matters most to you, what's important to you. &nbsp;Take an inventory. I also asked how Polyamory does/doesn't bolster these values.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">Then I asked how these values are expressed in their poly relationships? "What do you do every day to express these values?", going off the old idea of treating your partner in the way you'd like to be treated.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">Finally, I handed out some homework. I asked everyone to take these ideas and discuss them with their partners after group. Learn what their values are and share yours.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you've had a rough patch in your relationships - if expectations haven't been in alignment for you and you're having relationship trouble - talking about your common values may be a good starting point.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Common, shared values work better than installing rules and restrictions to create expected behaviors and outcomes. Instead, find what you have in common and capitalize on your common belief systems.&nbsp;</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">R</span></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div>Russell Micklerhttps://plus.google.com/114899185486384101535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-24575364593198752182014-03-11T19:55:00.001-07:002014-03-11T19:55:11.193-07:00And More on Male PrivilegeThere is no female equivalent for the word "emasculated".<div><br></div><div>When I am unable to pay for a meal or an evening out, I feel this way. I literally feel like I'm unemployed. That I'm dependent. &nbsp;That I'm powerless.</div><div><br></div><div>Then Camille reminds me of when we first started dating and I insisted then that I pay for everything. Except she used the term "disempowered".</div><div><br></div><div>So today was a lesson in disempowerment.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Last Sunday, I attended a poetry slam where a feminist poet talked about "nice guys". The nice guy was someone who wanted to take care of everything, but that came with expectations. The nice guy expected something to be given back in return. The poet did not want to be indebted to the nice guy and wanted him to evaluate why he finished last because his friendship and generosity came with&nbsp;strings attached.</div><div><br></div><div>When paying for things with Camille, I always thought that I was the nice guy. I was just trying to take care of things. But it turns out, what she felt was disempowered, and, potentially, this new friendship came with strings attached. Both Regina and Camille have told me about how they are more often to go Dutch for first dates so that there isn't this imbalance of power.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Of course, all of this flies in the face of what I was taught to do as a kid. Pay for things. Treat the woman. Take care of things. Be a man.</div><div><br></div><div>It turns out that this programming is a lot more destructive than I thought, particularly to women, but also to me.</div><div><br></div><div>Why do I feel so ashamed and powerless? And why would I want to make others feel that way? And why does not paying for things make me feel less than a man?</div><div><br></div><div>R</div>Russell Micklerhttps://plus.google.com/114899185486384101535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-59203619286175222032014-03-10T15:16:00.000-07:002014-04-04T09:58:22.552-07:00Leaving, and Being Left.<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-tnI2Sf4FurQ/Uz7kkw_DibI/AAAAAAAAALE/a5gXVRBz3pM/s640/blogger-image-1232614867.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-tnI2Sf4FurQ/Uz7kkw_DibI/AAAAAAAAALE/a5gXVRBz3pM/s640/blogger-image-1232614867.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div>I leave my husband to be with someone else. &nbsp;I leave my partner to be with someone else. &nbsp;My husband leaves me to be with someone else. &nbsp;My partner leaves me to be with someone else. &nbsp;Everyone knows about all about it, and sometimes, it feels fine, and other times it feels crappy.<br><br>Recently, I spent most of the day Saturday with my metamour, Camille, and my daughter at a women's self defense class. &nbsp;Russell dropped us off, and at the end of the day, picked us up. &nbsp;Sunday, Camille and I spent the afternoon together. &nbsp;Again, Russell dropped me off, and we joined him later in the day. &nbsp;He was noticeably a bit subdued that evening, and, when asked, said it felt strange to be leaving us all weekend. &nbsp;A bit of a downer really. &nbsp;That's part of how poly is different from monogamy though.<br><br>Sure, people come and go in mono relationships too, but they are usually leaving a partner behind to go to work, or some sort of activity that is less overtly personal. Bonding time, sex, intimacy, shared experiences, these things are the currency of relationships, and in poly, there is almost always someone who is being left out, or left behind.<br><br><div>Dealing with leaving someone you love behind, or being left, is part of the skill package we are all working on in our pod. &nbsp;It's always easier when everyone is feeling well-resourced, and has other options that they find valuable. &nbsp;It's harder on the weeks where everyone is stretched, and no one is feeling quite like they have "enough".</div><div><br></div><div>I'm in relationships with these people because I like being around them, and the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" trope doesn't really work for me, so this is an area I'm consistently working on. &nbsp;</div>Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-54594337937355899422014-03-08T12:13:00.001-08:002014-03-08T12:21:02.849-08:00More on Male PrivilegeToday is Saturday, March 8. My partners, Regina and Camille, and my step daughter, are participating in a self-defense class for women.<div><br></div><div>I'm outside in the hallway right now writing this blog post on my phone.</div><div><br></div><div>First, it strikes me that there's no such thing as a self-defense class for men featuring&nbsp;specific techniques for me to defend myself against another gender. To think that women must live in a constant state of awareness (fear? Defensiveness?) because men are generally unaware of their actions, or, take license with women, is sad.&nbsp;&nbsp;I personally don't walk into a room of women and feel scared or alert or aware. Here is another example of my privilege.</div><div><br></div><div>Second, I find it interesting that this class is taught by men. Yes, they are probably trained professionals, but it seems that their privilege would interfere with the message. How can they know or empathize with that constant state of fear?</div><div><br></div><div>It's terrible to think that anyone - male or female or any gender inbetween - would need to be deliberately conscious to protect themselves at all times. I wonder what more I can do to be aware of those concerns and fears, and try to negate them?</div><div><br></div><div>R</div>Russell Micklerhttps://plus.google.com/114899185486384101535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-59852646868367556662014-03-08T09:23:00.000-08:002014-03-09T14:04:29.878-07:00Response to Polyweekly's: Everyone is Doing it Wrong<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/71TcuFD6asL._SL500_AA300_.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/71TcuFD6asL._SL500_AA300_.png" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>Just listened to Polyamory Weekly's <a href="http://polyweekly.com/2014/03/pw-385-everyone-is-doing-poly-wrong-the-podcast/" target="_blank">Episode 385: Everyone is Doing it Wrong</a>. Minx does a great show and everyone should be listening to and supporting her contributions to the Kink and Polyamorous community.<br /><br />I agree with&nbsp;@cunningminx that we're all one big diverse community; I agree that diversity in thoughts and opinion should be respected; I agree that it's indecent and harmful to use pejorative, hyperbolic language when disagreeing with somebody; I agree that we, as individuals, have the right to define for ourselves what marriage and commitment means ...<br /><br />Where I disagree, however, is when somebody vehemently defends their membership in a community even though their practices and behaviors defy the tenets of that community.<br /><br />Examples:<br /><br />1. I could call myself Jewish and yet do very non-Jewish things. Those who are Jewish would look at me and insist that I'm not Jewish, and I really don't have a right to call myself Jewish. Are the observations of the Jewish community nullified for the sake of my insistence that I'm Jewish? [2014.03.09: Jewish - both a culture and an ethnicity - okay, maybe not a great example.]<br /><br />2. I could call myself a practicing Dommy Kinkster and chronically violate the consent of my play partners. Those within the Kink community would likely ostracize me for not practicing ethical, safe, respecting, and sex-positive practices. Should the Kink community bend to my insistence that I'm in any way associated with them?<br /><br />3. I could call myself Polyamorous but engage in cheating on my committed partner who has no knowledge of my other affairs; or I'm a religious Polygamist preying on 12-year old girls and I declare I'm Poly. Should any Polyamorous person tolerate the use of the label 'Polyamory' to be assigned to <i>unethical and harmful</i> behavior?<br /><br />I think your conversation has to make room for standards, Minx. There are community standards for Jews, for Kink, for Polyamory, that a majority of these participants agree are core values and tenets of their practice. If anyone can walk in and violate those tenets - and then make use of our community to justify their actions - then I feel that's heavily disruptive to the brand (or idea) of Polyamory ... or Kink, or being Jewish, etc.<br /><br />I like the messages of inclusiveness, tolerance, and acceptance, but I truly believe that we've the right and expectation to declare vehemently "You're doing it wrong" when their practices violate our community's standards.<br /><br />R<br /><br />Russell Micklerhttps://plus.google.com/114899185486384101535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-9810442749359148802014-03-06T16:50:00.001-08:002014-03-07T08:10:27.477-08:00Exploration of Male Privilege<div>It's hard getting used to having my partners pay for things. It makes me feel uncomfortable; I usually end up reaching for my wallet and they'll knock it away to remind me that I'm not paying for this.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Although Gina and I use the same banking, and the money comes from the same place, I'm still not used to not paying.</div><div><br></div>Today, Camille took me out to lunch. She paid for it with a credit card. She handed the credit card to the woman behind the counter, who received it, swiped it, and then proceeded it to hand it back to me.&nbsp;<div><br></div><div>I thought this was a little absurd. Why was she handing me Camille's credit card? I then said directly to this person's face: "this is Camille's credit card."</div><div><br></div><div>I then handed Camille her credit card so that she could return it to her wallet.</div><div><br></div><div>Then, as the receipt was printed, the person behind the counter handed it to me to sign!&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>I was taken back… I again handed the receipt and pen to Camille to sign.</div><div><br></div><div>That was a crazy ass exchange. But indicative of male privilege. Just my being there somehow tainted the transaction so that I was given credit for the meal.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>That's just whacked.</div><div><br></div><div>Camille took it in stride and said it happens all the time. To be completely disregarded by clerks behind a point-of-sale station? Ridiculous!</div><div><br></div><div>My journey continues…</div><div>R</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Russell Micklerhttps://plus.google.com/114899185486384101535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-52095305413143733442014-03-06T15:37:00.000-08:002014-03-06T15:37:09.885-08:00Dieting and Poly<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><u>Don't Date Outside Your Species!</u></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LYpB5PoxmE4/UxkGbXVo5-I/AAAAAAAAAJs/bFSovbQs8zU/s1600/monopoly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LYpB5PoxmE4/UxkGbXVo5-I/AAAAAAAAAJs/bFSovbQs8zU/s1600/monopoly.jpg" /></a></div><br />Recently, I was reading through a conversation thread about a person who identified as poly, and often dated people who had previously considered themselves monogamous. &nbsp;The experience they kept having was that their dating partners would say that the whole poly thing was okay upfront, then, several months down the road, and a lot more emotional investment, try to make the relationship monogamous, or break up with them, saying they just couldn't do the poly thing.<br /><br />My first thought was to date people who are already demonstrably poly, but I realize that, in many places, the predominance of poly people isn't particularly strong, so one tends to make due with the dating choices that are available.<br /><br />Here's the deal though: &nbsp;If someone is monogamous, they aren't going to turn poly for you long-term. <br /><br />Choosing to date someone that is poly, because you like them, when one is monogamous, and would really prefer to have the poly partner to yourself, is like going on a diet because someone you love asked you to. &nbsp;Maybe it's healthy for you. &nbsp;Maybe it's something you think is a good idea. &nbsp;It just isn't what you really <b><i>want</i></b>&nbsp;in the deepest core of your being.<br /><br />For a while, you can make yourself do it, cheating here and there with fantasies that the person you love is going to fall so deeply for you that they'll realize you are all they want in life, while still making the appropriate statements of openness and support &nbsp;for their poly nature, and how on board you are with the whole thing.<br /><br />For a while, you can go through the motions, pushing yourself with the thoughts of how much your partner is going to appreciate what you are doing for them, how much this will mean to them, how much love you will earn. &nbsp;Maybe you are even realizing some personal benefits and growth in the situation! &nbsp;Eventually, that well will run dry though, and you're left realizing that this isn't what you really want, and you've been doing it to try and please someone else.<br /><br />Of course, the same issue happens in the inverse too. &nbsp;Thinking that someone who identifies as monogamous is going to make the leap to poly<i> <b>for you</b></i><b> </b>is a dangerous and cruel self-deception. There is no amount of attention or energy you can give someone who is monogamous (and wants you to be monogamous with them) that will create enough safety, security, intimacy, and love to get them to be fine over the long-haul with the part where you have other loving relationships.<br /><br />Mono-poly relationships are workable, just not with any real level of "doing it for the other person" present. &nbsp;If both parties can't honestly say that this is what they want, for themselves, because it is what is best for them, move on before hurting each other deeply. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Polyfulcrumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04951940427248512720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-89435943977204508002014-03-01T18:01:00.001-08:002014-03-01T18:02:42.659-08:00Day One: Understanding Male PrivilegeDidn't believe I was actually going to do this, did you?<br><br>Today, Regina and Camille and I needed to run to the supermarket.&nbsp;I did not drive; Regina drove; Camille ended up paying for the groceries.<div><br></div><div>It was a odd. I usually drive and I usually pay for things. I sat patiently in the backseat.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>I must say that I do like determining where the car goes.</div><div><br></div><div>Evening out part is coming up. A play. A comedy show. Return home. Unsure about that. We'll see how it goes.</div><div><br></div><div>R</div>Russell Micklerhttps://plus.google.com/114899185486384101535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-12088736502042431902014-02-26T21:39:00.000-08:002014-03-01T18:28:26.485-08:00Polygamy Isn't Polyamory<br><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AWtDRzlapMY/Uw65RYzRvcI/AAAAAAAAF7M/FawzNQol9yE/s1600/polygamy-is-not-poly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AWtDRzlapMY/Uw65RYzRvcI/AAAAAAAAF7M/FawzNQol9yE/s1600/polygamy-is-not-poly.jpg" height="160" width="320"></a></div>Okay, coincidence?<br><br>It was just this week where I was asked what I thought the biggest misconceptions about Polyamorous relationships were and I brought up one of my personal pet peeves: the conflation of Polygamy and Polyamory for - as mass media attention in the last five years has focused on Polygamists and their struggles - I feel that attention is has created an unhealthy fusion in the public consciousness between Polygamy and Polyamory and, to my horror, I learned that TLC is, in fact, planning to launch another Polygamy show called&nbsp;<a href="http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/my-five-wives" target="_blank">My Five Wives March 9, 2014</a>.<br><br>Face-palm.<br><br><a href="http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/sister-wives" target="_blank">TLC is building off the success of Sister Wives</a>&nbsp;by quenching its viewer's voyeuristic preoccupation with non-monogamous lifestyles (certainly one moneymaking reality TV show deserves another), and &nbsp;as a capitalist myself, I wouldn't slight TLC for wanting to make a buck off of its audiences' fascination with taboo. It's the spotlight on Polygamy that narrows the gap between it and Polyamory, and I suppose I've a serious problem with it.<div><br></div><div>Correcting this: polygamy is the broad term describing a marriage with multiple spouses; polygyny is where a man has many wives; polyandry is where a woman has many husbands. Thanks readers!<br><br>Noteworthy differences include:<br><br><b>1. Precondition of Marriage.</b><br><br>Both Polygamy and Polygyny attempt to describe a lawful or spiritual union between partners. Those unions may or may not be recognized by the dominant culture, and may even be considered <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bigamy" target="_blank">bigamy</a>, but they're unions that justify the plurality of their situation.<br><br>Polyamory doesn't require partners to be married although married partners can be poly; individuals may not enter into Polyamorous relationships with an intent to be drawn into a union with their other partners, whereas that's the clear intent with Polygamy and Polygyny. Polyamory isn't immediately about dating others to join into a union of any kind.<br><br><b>2. Gender Inequality.</b><br><br>Although I appreciate the show, I often cringe at Sister Wive's LDS religious docterine that justifies the male's role as head-of-household; the featured family has often labeled the idea of the wives having more than one man in their lives as "disgusting". Within the media's portrayal of Polygamy (and its common interpretation in our country) is the elevation of the male and the subjugation of the female. Doctrine and religious convictions within Polygamy tend to reinforce sex negativism, promote OPP (One Penis Policies), and constrain female freedom.<br><br>This is quite different from Polyamory whereas religion/dogma doesn't play a prominent role in shaping gender roles. Sure, Polyamory can have configurations that look similar to Polygamy or Polygyny, and sure, partners can create rules and expectations that promote OPP-thinking. But generally speaking, Polyamory is more egalitarian about power and the ability to make individual choices concerning sexuality and relationships.<br><br><b>3. Implied Spiritual Mandate.</b><br><br>I'm a Polyamorist and, fuck no, God isn't telling me to have three partners so I can breed haphazardly and prepare a celestial kingdom for myself in the afterlife. Every one of my partners are fixed and they're not in it for my sperm, either. My partners and I don't share a common goal of world-creation on another plane of existence. This isn't something that's usually found in other Polyamorous circles. Instead there is a desire to share lives and love, to create community, and to seek emotional fulfillment through engaging in multiple relationships. Intentional community ... okay, that's something we have in common with Polygamy, but it doesn't have a religious overtone behind it.<br><br><b>4. Questionable Ethics / Loss of Consent.</b><br><br>One doesn't have to look too far beyond the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_Jeffs" target="_blank">Warren Jeffs</a>&nbsp;of the world to find Polygamy's PR problem. Taking 13 year old girls as brides, in my mind, doesn't constitute "ethical non-monogamy" in the way that Polyamory attempts to define it. Trading partners as chattel or using them as tools for maintaining political, spiritual, or religious power also doesn't factor into the Polyamorous lifestyle.<br><br>That said, recent portrayals of Polyamorous lifestyles in the popular media from shows like <a href="http://www.sho.com/sho/polyamory-married-and-dating/home" target="_blank">Showtime's Married and Dating</a>&nbsp;(which includes such memorable and astonishing dialog like "Hmm Fresh meat" and "We're Poly, and that means I get sexual access to your partners") really doesn't help matters either. That's a cluster of relationship chaos that doesn't advocate for the lifestyle but rather ridicules it.<br><br>But I think these distinctions between Polygamy and Polyamory are worth understanding.<br><br>So the media isn't perfect and neither is in the information that it's spreading about ethical non-monogamy as it favors a spectacle. Still, I've hope. There are hundreds of poly blogs out there (and thousands in grass-roots communities and discussion groups) with real people telling their stories, their normal everyday lives, and sharing their journey. That'll help get to what's real.<br><br>Russell<br><br><br></div>Russell Micklerhttps://plus.google.com/114899185486384101535noreply@blogger.com0