XX Things to Watch For in the Super Bowl

By BOB WIRE

“Hey, look—Janet Jackson’s tittie.”

At our Super Bowl party, I was the only person who happened to be looking at the TV during that halftime show 10 years ago, and if there hadn’t been a huge bottleneck at the pot luck table, I would have missed it too. No DVR in those days, so I couldn’t rewind it and take a closer look. From the brief glimpse I got, she appeared to have some kind of lawn mower engine part bolted to her nipple.

National outrage was immediate and overwhelming. Nipplegate exposed more than Ms. Jackson’s chrome-tipped fun bag. It held a big, silicone-filled mirror up to our cultural double standards. Apparently it’s okay to watch a bunch of 350-pound food giants snap bones and try to knock helmets off with head still in them, but for god’s sake, we can’t expose America to something as disturbing and indecent as a breast!

But really, all that fuss over a single boobie? If that was your first exposure to a nipple, you must have been bottle-fed. Hey, it’s not your fault that you were banished to your mom’s friend zone.

That moment instantly made Super Bowl XXXVIII (doesn’t that look like some gladiator fell asleep on his keyboard?) the best halftime show since Michael Jackson showed Up With People the door in 1993. When I saw that boob explode from Janet’s outfit like a stripper popping out of a cake, I learned a valuable lesson about the Super Bowl: don’t look away. You might miss something.

Oh my God! It’s horrible! But I can’t look away!

Here are XX things to watch for this Super Bowl:

I. If announcer Joe Buck does not use the word “underway” upon the opening kickoff, I will stand buck naked at the XXX’s on North Higgins at high noon on Wednesday. Buck is a capable play-by-play man, but Troy Aikman displays all the sparkling personality of a soap dish. The look on his face says he played during the Nerf helmet era. And besides, why they’re not pairing Joe Buck with Ratso Rizzo is beyond me. “I’m talking here!”

II. John Elway, whether on the sidelines or tucked away in his John Elway Fine Pre-Owned Vehicles® luxury box, will have on display the predatory smile and ice-cold gaze that suggests he could make one phone call and have you disappeared.

III. Opera singer Renee Fleming will remember all the words to the national anthem, and the moment she hits the high C in “the land of the freeeee,” MetLife stadium vendors will regret their decision to sell Bud Light in glass bottles.

IV. Although security at the stadium will be tighter than Justin Timberlake’s grip on the microphone when he saw Janet’s nipple, waves of panic will spread through the crowd when a rumor is circulated that the cast of Jersey Shore is attending the game.

V. The internet will collapse under the sheer weight of played-out jokes about legalized marijuana in Seattle and Denver. On a related note, residents of Washington and Colorado, having read a typo in last week’s Sports Illustrated, will wander around in the woods on Sunday, looking for a “superb owl.”

VI. Pam Oliver.

VII. Andrew Luck will perform the ceremonial coin toss. The coin will be intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

VIII. During the 16-hour pregame show, commentators and analysts will refer to Peyton Manning several times as the “greatest quarterback ever.” Over at CBS, Dan Marino will cough into his fist while saying “bullshit.”

IX. I will run out of Clamato in the third quarter.

X. Ex-Chicago Bears QB Jim McMahon will be arrested for solicitation the night before the Super Bowl, on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. Just for old times’ sake.

XI. The press will learn of Denver mayor Michael B. Hancock’s secret wager with his Seattle counterpart, Ed Murray. If the Seahawks win, Hancock must hire Jerry Reed to deliver a semi full of ice cold Coors to the Murray’s Seattle office. If the Broncos win, the same thing will happen but it will be room temperature Coors Light. Either way, Peyton Manning will be named Governor of Colorado.

XII. After each touchdown he scores, Seattle running back Marshawn Lynch will offer a manly handshake to his O-line and his quarterback. This move is similar to a bulldozer knocking down your house and then the driver tipping his hat as he backs out of the driveway trailing rubble.

XIII. Bruno Mars and his band will thrill fans with their entertaining, high-energy halftime show. Old white rockers watching at home will shake their heads in befuddlement, and say, “Well, at least it ain’t the Who.”

XIV. Bud Light will air a series of blockbuster commercials featuring 412 actors, 58 hidden cameras, five rock stars and four celebrities. They will continue to make the world’s shittiest beer.

XV. Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman will refuse to come out of the locker room in the second half, after seeing John Elway stare at him while holding his phone.

XVI. During halftime, hundreds of millions of American toilets will flush simultaneously, taxing municipal water systems beyond their limits, causing infrastructure failures and creating a nationwide shortage of drinking water. The disaster and the ensuing scandal will be given some catchy name by the press. It will be called, oh, I don’t know. I’m sure somebody will come up with something.

XVII. Although game time temperatures will be above freezing, the Seahawks will be hit with an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after referees discover center Max Unger has a hand warmer sewn into the crack of his ass.

XVIII. Peyton Manning will flummox the Seattle defense by replacing the word “Omaha” with “gefilte fish.”

XIX. The 80,000 fans at New Jersey’s MetLife Stadium will be the only people on the entire Eastern Seaboard who watch the game.

XX. Somewhere in the greater Boston area, Tom Brady will kick his dog.

Think of it as Gonzo meets Hee Haw: Missoula honky tonker Bob Wire holds forth on a unique life filled with music, parenthood, drinking, sports, working, marriage, drinking, and just navigating the twisted wreckage of American culture. Plus occasional grooming tips. Like the best humor, it’s not for everyone. Sometimes silly, sometimes surreal, sometimes savage, Bob Wire demands that you possess a good sense of humor and an open mind.

Bob Wire has written more than 500 humor columns for a regional website over the last five years, and his writing has appeared in the Missoulian, the Missoula Independent, Montana Magazine, and his own Bob Wire Has a Point Blog. He is a prolific songwriter, and has recorded three CDs of original material with his Montana band, the Magnificent Bastards. His previous band, the Fencemenders, was a popular fixture at area clubs. They were voted Best Local Band twice by the Missoula Independent readers poll. Bob was voted the Trail 103.3/Missoulian Entertainer of the Year in 2007.