The Crawfish Analyzes: Does Rob Perillo Actually Control The Weather?

In this weeks ‘The Crawfish Analyzes’, we take a look at the rumors circulating that a local, much-loved TV personality may hold and harness far more power than we all first thought.

Those familiar with our state’s wonderful weather may also be familiar with Chief Meteorologist Rob Perillo. Rob is known for his pinpoint accuracy when predicting the forecast, as well as his charming smile that wouldn’t look out of place in a Colgate commercial.

But underneath that finely-tailored Armani suit, is there a potentially Earth-shaking secret?

For a long time now, many have wondered how this man was so consistent with his weather forecasting. Always on-point. Always error-free. Always calling those squall lines to a degree of accuracy that some would regard as not of this world. But with the current rumors that are swirling, things are slowly starting to make sense.

Sources close to Perillo have told The Daily Crawfish that, on more than one occasion, he has been seen closely guarding an object that resembles a small, rectangular remote that is always kept in his inside pocket. Very few have seen the remote, but our inside man managed to acquire a low-quality image of what is believed to be the device in question.

What does this device do? Is this the object that controls the rain, sun, sleet, snow, tornadoes and everything in between? Is this the device that brings droughts to the desert, floods to the plains, and snow to East Coast? Is Rob Perillo the mere Earthbound mortal who has been bestowed with the task of controlling the planets weather?

A second piece of possible evidence is his Facebook profile photo. Look how he carefully super-imposes his face onto what appears to be a global map. Is this a cryptic clue to his true calling? Comments on the photo include:

“Rob Perillo…he’s got the whole world in his hands” – an indication to the possibility that he isn’t working alone in this endeavor? Is this operation bigger than one man?

“El Robbo Weather Phenomenon” – is this perhaps his godly name? Is ‘El Robbo’ the true name of the man who we are at the mercy of?

“Does this look like the face of mercy?” – a comment from an individual that somehow knows the true destructive power that one man harnesses?

“Big Rob !!! Looking Hot !” – perhaps a cryptic message from an operative, instructing Rob to turn the heat up in a specific location?

Another source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that three days before Christmas he had a run-in with the Chief Meteorologist which could have potentially led to one of the hottest Christmas Days in the entire history of the world.

“I bumped into him at Rêve, and we both dropped our cortados.” our source said. “I felt like he wasn’t paying attention, and I snapped. I told him he couldn’t forecast his way out of a weather balloon, amongst other expletives. He stood there not saying a word, but I could feel the heat in his eyes.”

And the confrontation allegedly continued.

“I told him to have a Merry f’in Christmas, and stormed out” he said, “I guess he saw my ‘Keep Christmas Cold’ bumper sticker, and raised the temperature for the next few days into the high eighties. Christmas was ruined for me. Thanks Perillo.”

If this rumor has a shred of truth in it, then we are living in dangerous times. Who says man should control the weather? Is there an unholy alliance between the rumored Warlock Governor Edwards and the Chief Meteorologist Rob Perillo? And of course, how is President Obama involved in all of this?

We could not reach Perillo for comment, as all of our attempts last night were met with heavy rain and lightning. But the truth will come out, as it always does.