Hello. Welcome to the KSK mailbag. Here is a giraffe trying to have sex with another giraffe. It does not go well. We’ve all been there, Giraffe Bro. (thanks to internet buddy/Uproxx impresario Danger Guerrero for sharing this video)

And now for your emails. Some of you are doing better than the giraffe. Others… not so much. Read on!

Dearest Caveman, Sex (kind of): Next month, I’m going to India for 3 months to volunteer there, know no one in the country, and have never been there before. Do you have any suggestions for meeting interesting people to talk to/court/get to know (biblical-sense) in a foreign country where you have a different skin color from everyone else? The catch is, I would preferably like to return to America with at least most of my money and health intact.

If it were me, I’d try to tap into the expatriate culture. I googled “american expats mumbai” and got several pages that connected Americans abroad (plus 12 rules for expat life in Mumbai, which seems helpful). Any large city will have an expat niche for you that will open the door to locals and the more — ahem — “liberal” women.

Weddings: one of my close group of college friends girls is getting married next month right before I leave school. I need to know what the minimum that I need to spend on a gift for her is. Possibly relevant information (omit as you like): -My parents are also coming to this wedding, and I will split a gift with them -I don’t like the guy that she’s marrying -We’re not as close as we used to be, and I don’t REALLY care if we fall out of touch over the next few years (we just don’t have that much in common anymore) -She’s being super cheap about the wedding in general

That said, I don’t want to be an asshole…I’m just looking for a ballpark of how much I should spend (keeping in mind that I’m about to be poor, because of the previous question, and then grad school starting in the Fall).

Let your parents do the heavy lifting here. If you’re fresh out of college and going to a wedding with your parents, freeload away. Write something nice in the card and give your parents $20. This is one of the last few times where freeloading is not just socially acceptable, but almost expected.

Thanks for the help…please accept this picture of my favorite professional Latin dancer as penance (her name is Dasha). -Torque [Construction Noise] Lewith

I should note here that the original email had no attachment or link to said Dasha (full name: Daria Chesnokova). And googling “Dasha” doesn’t give you this Dasha, but another Dasha who’s in a more explicit line of work. The lesson: if you are going to forget to attach whichever picture of an attractive person you want me to see, please give me a first and last name to work with.

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Captain: Fantasy football: I just need an opinion on something. Our Fantasy league has larger rosters than most. The standard roster size is 15 players, but we have 17. This is likely to make up for the fact that, in addition to the standard 1 QB / 3 WR / 2 RB / 1 TE setup, we have both a flex wide receiver / running back slot AND a flex wide receiver / tight end spot.

That’s bananas.

Last year, we had 10 players, so this wasn’t too bad. The talent pool at WR was thin, but there were enough to go around. Next year, however, we’re going to 12 players but keeping the same roster size, and I think the lack of depth is going to make the league less fun. 17 roster spots, with the two flex spots, means that there aren’t enough decent players to go around — every week, basically every team will be stuck playing some nominal backup TE/RB or fourth receiver, any of whom might be lucky to get more than a touch or two.

The other side says that playing these no-name players and having to dig and research these fringe guys is part of the fun of fantasy football. I can see that argument but I just don’t think it’s fun turning the game into what amounts to basically football-themed Deal or No Deal, just sticking some random player nobody’s heard of on the board and maybe once in a while you might snag a lucky touchdown.

Who do you side with?

I’m on your side. In my oft-cited favorite league, we have 12 teams, each with 16 roster spots for 10 starting positions (1 QB/3 WR/2 RB/1 TE/1 flex/K/D). And let me tell you, that third WR or flex position can get LEAN. Throw in byes, and you get weeks where it’s like, “Which team’s shitty fourth receiver can get me 40 yards? I hope this third-down back can get 10 touches!” It’s fun because it’s a competitive league (and my complaints are somewhat mitigated by a 0.5 PPR), but the waiver wire is something out of The Road.

That’s with 192 roster spots in the league. Your proposed settings would have 204 players on rosters. What does that mean? Well, pull up a mental snapshot of any waiver wire you’ve ever looked at. Now take away the 12 best players.

You will live in a world where no one drops Davone Bess, ever. No fucking thank you.

Sex: I’m in a great relationship right now. We love spending time together (so much that we recently moved in together, which has gone really well) and I have very few complaints about any aspect of our relationship… except for our sex life.

When we first started seeing each other, we had a lot of sex. Almost always at least once a day. Then, maybe a month after we started getting serious, she started taking birth control, not only to prevent pregnancy but also to deal with other female problems. Our sex life really fell off after that. We have sex maybe once or twice a week now, and there’s never any kind of sub-coital screwing around apart from that, either.

This is the first time I have ever seen the word “sub-coital.” My world is richer now.

At the beginning, I would try anything I could to get things started, but after a certain point, it got too frustrating to be constantly rejected, so I basically don’t try anymore unless she’s very clearly into the idea as well. I’ve expressed my concerns to her, and she says she feels the same way — that she wishes she were in the mood more often, but that she doesn’t feel it very often and she thinks it’s the birth control. (She’s notably friskier during the monthly placebo pill regimen.)

I’m at the point where I want her to quit taking the birth control. I’d gladly return to condom-wearing, absurdly careful habits if it meant having sex more often. She’s open to this idea but doesn’t want to give up the “her-time-of-the-month” benefits. (I can hardly blame her — if I were bleeding from the groin once a month, I’d want it to be over as quickly and with as little leakage as possible.)

The sex is still very good when we do have it. And I love this girl; I don’t want to break up with her or anything so that I can possibly have sex more often with somebody else. But it is really frustrating to me, and I’m not really sure what else to do. We’ve talked about it plenty but we always kind of end up in the same place: It sucks, but the benefits of the pill outweigh the negatives.

I understand that almost all couples have less sex as the relationship matures, but doing it once a week seems very married-with-three-kids-ish to me. What would you do in my situation? Verbosely yours, Anónimo

There are multitudes of different birth control pills. I know it’s called “the pill,” but there are like 400 different companies that sell it with different amounts of… whatever goes into the pill. Hormones and egg-blocking magic, I guess. A lot of women try several different brands before finding one that matches their own particular chemistry. See if your girlfriend will talk to her gyno about using a different brand.

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Dear CC, FF: I’m starting a new job next week. At 34 I’ll be the youngest guy there. Any advice on starting a FF league with a bunch of old bastards?

Explain computers to them. Once they’ve become accustomed to email, you can send an email that says, “I’m starting a fantasy football league. Anyone interested?”

Sexy time: I’ve been married for 6 years, so I figure I’m about done; right? I keed, I keed!

I normally think my wife is “all that” but after our most recent ‘disagreement’ I felt something change in me. We don’t fight often (maybe 2-3 times per year) but hot damn can they be brutal. I usually try to empathize with her feelings, but she tends to get more abstract and then begins saying things that really hurt. This usually results in a 3 day period of silence and uncomfortable in the house, followed by a tearful apology from her, then hugs and sex.

…yay?

The source of the fight is always something stupid and it’s always instigated by her. For example, one fight started because she said that I didn’t buy enough vegetables when I went grocery shopping; another because of the color of paint that I wanted to paint our basement. Any of these fights could easily be handled with a simple conversation, but she always chooses to escalate.

Or maybe you should BUY SOME FUCKING VEGETABLES! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET THE VITAMINS YOU NEED WITHOUT– no, yeah, a conversation is probably better than a fight.

In our most recent, I noticed that there was a pattern – they happen whenever the following 2 conditions line up; 1) I have something coming up that I’m looking forward to (like friends coming in from out of town, new job, basement remodel…) 2) she doesn’t

Now that i look back, this holds true every time. So it seems like jealousy triggers some instinct in her that says ‘TEAR THIS MAN DOWN, HE’S GOT IT TOO GOOD!’

Divorce would be a harsh reaction and I truly don’t want that. But at the same time, I’m an easy-going guy who would like to enjoy life to the fullest and she can make that difficult. How do I break the cycle of crazy that happens anytime I’ve got something good going? -Married to occasional tyrant

There’s no fix to this in the mailbag, dear MTOT. (mmmmm… tots. Now I want pocket tots.)

Where was I? Oh, right: your beloved harpy. Y’all need some professional counseling/therapy. I don’t know if she needs to see a psychiatrist, or if couples counseling is the way to go, or what. That’s up for you cats to figure out.

As with any mailbag question that leaves me pointing to people with things like “expertise” and “licenses,” I must remind everyone that I am in no way a professional therapist of any sort. (Some people use the term “internet quack,” but I prefer “just a dude who’s seen some shit.”)

Good luck with your wife and the basement remodel.

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O Cap’n My Cap’n,Fantasy Football: Suffering through the doldrums of the off-season like everyone else. Doing the annual optimism mitigation for my beloved Giants who, at this point, are a near surefire bet to finish between 8-8 and 11-5, but seemingly a coin flip to either get thoroughly embarrassed in the Wildcard game or go on an adrenaline fueled romp to the Super Bowl, provided they make the playoffs to begin with. In lieu, I offer this sexy lady gif as sacrifice:

Sara Jean Underwood. Not unattractive.

Also, as a Giants fan, you are entitled to precisely ZERO sympathy.

Sex: On to the nitty gritty. My girlfriend and I are 22, and recent college graduates. We are lucky enough to have jobs within an hour of each other, with me moving back home and her moving across the state from where she was raised. For all intents and purposes she’s a fantastic girl, and I love her dearly. Smart, sexy, great in bed, funny (a valuable commodity), and incredibly kind. She’s everything I could want in a girlfriend, and hopefully future wife.

Naturally, being a 22 year old guy I cannot simply accept and unconditionally appreciate her and all her wonderful qualities without issue. Instead I can’t shake the anxiety about “missing out” on some things in my 20s if I am indeed already with the woman I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. In college I slept with a respectable amount of women as a single man, and still the feeling persists.

My predicament is this. I cannot stomach to break up with her so I can return to pursuing one night stands with women who very likely won’t be as attractive as her, and certainly not as easy to get along with or likable (all in hopes of nailing that perfect 10 Beyonce lookalike) and risk losing someone who I would consider myself blessed to call wife someday. Any advice would be much appreciated, and is sorely needed.Thanks,Non-Appreciative Ned

You’re feeling what any (every?) man feels when he realizes he wants to marry a woman. It’s a combination of two feelings, really: deep, binding love… and the sad realization that you’ll never get naked with another woman ever again. (There is likely a German word for it.)

As to whether you’re “missing out” on anything by not being a single man in his 20s, it’s hard to say. The stereotypical single young male celebrates binge drinking, late nights, a coterie of women and/or failed relationships, and road trips featuring different combinations those things. Maybe some drug use and gambling, if you’re spicy. That collection of of bad decisions is what you’re missing out on. You’re also missing out on the potential consequences: heartbreak, arrests, feeling like shit because you’ve been a complete douchebag to a perfectly nice girl who deserved better — hey, maybe even an STD or two!

I had fun being single in my 20s. I also had some pretty shitty times, too. I gained life experience that gave me perspective (hi, combat!), and I stumbled out of burning car wrecks of relationships that helped me recognize that my wife is the perfect life partner for me. I couldn’t have identified her as such when I was 22, because I was a fuckhead.

You, sir, already have that person figured out. Seems to me like you’ve saved yourself a lot of bad decisions. Depending on how your gal rolls, you can still do all that fun 20s shit — road trips, partying, gambling — with your future wife. No, you won’t get the unique pleasure of taking a new woman’s clothes off for the first time, but that’s the price you pay for intimacy and trust. That’s a better deal in the long run, and the long run is life.

@Torque [Construction Noise] Lewith: Don’t fall in with the ex-pat scene or you’ll end up like this guy and spending all your time hanging out with other Americans. You can do that at home. You’re much better off by getting to know some locals via work; they’ll know the more interesting places and they will have plenty of female friends who are interested in meeting a single American rather than dealing with an entire pack.

I’ve only dated one Indian girl, but my understanding is that the appearance of conservatism it has more to do with discretion. In other words, Indian women enjoy fucking as much as any other women, they just tend to keep quiet about it more than in other cultures.

Getting to know the local scene is good, sure, but I’d say don’t focus solely on American expats. After all, “expat” can cover anyone who’s not from the country you’re in. See if Mumbai has a local InterNations chapter or something similar.

Example? Sure! I’m living in Malta currently, and most of the expats I know socially are from all over the UK and Europe (including Spain, Italy, Bulgaria, and Germany).

Expats are definitely a good idea. Not only can expats be really cool individuals (if you filter out that certain type of smug douchebag expat), but local women who are interested in hooking up with foreign dudes will gravitate towards expat crowds.

Been in your shoes….if it as good as you proclaim, don’t fuck with it! I still, to this day, regret letting my only real best friend and love go. Having fun flirting and drinking with your friends sounds glorious now. You are fucking 22 and invincible, just don’t sacrifice her for them unless you know you can not commit to being a faithful 22 year old. You can go through crazy shit, travel, drink with your friends….together

Exactly. Do everything you always wanted, just don’t fuck other women. If you need to build yourself up, just flirt with strangers until you know you could have, and if you need other titties, just use porn.

Oh Ned. These guys are right, but they’re kind of wrong. You’re not engaged yet and you’re living at home. Not to be a dick, but worry more about marriage when you can pay the rent. It’s very hard to put things in perspective while living at home. Your gf is probably your escape hatch, and other women might not be that interested. You don’t have to break up, but you can date a couple more years or try living together until you figure out if you can keep your dick in your pants.

MTOT: This isn’t gonna get better. Been there, divorced that, relatively soon after found the gal I’ve been with for going on 15 years and — for the benefit of Ned — I can’t imagine not being married with. Not telling you what to do (much) but telling you what you CAN do.

Matt couildn’t be more right, look up the expats and stick to them like epoxy.

Family is VERY different in Indian culture and you could find yourself in a world of shit if you mess with the wrong woman. Arranged marriage is still common in India, particularly among the upper castes, and if you got yourself in the middle of something like that you’d be looking at real problems.

Tell an Indian you’re interested in cricket (which you should learn something about if you’re going, it’s really a very simple game) and you’ll have a friend for life. Say “Well, Inzamam al-Haq was a great batsman, but he can’t hold a candle to Sachin Tendulkar” and forget about having to buy your own drinks for the evening. Indian society is wonderfully open and welcoming.

Having being a foreigner and a local, I disagree. Locals usually are eager to point out the best qualities of their culture to interested foreigners. Trouble is, you’re an American; the interest shown could be easily dismissed as ignorance or condescension because, you know, global hegemony and all that. Be respectful, but genuine above all. If they scoff, ignore ‘em: why try to win over the irremediably disposed to hating you? Plus, you can bet your ass that locals will want to ask a lotta shit about your home. Ex-patting exclusively will lead to ghettoizing and resentment–for all. That’s what I experienced anyway. Good luck.

Sill, you are wise and practical. Counterpoint: “It’s worthier that wings sprout from your desire to follow a hundred birds, than remaining on land with your lone bird in hand.” -Miguel de Unamuno y Jugo (Artless translation)

Sill, I think we’ll have to accept a serious difference of opinion on the merits of ingratiating yourself with ex-pat society (I’m firmly against it) but I agree 100% on the suggestion of getting down with cricket. The rules are surprisingly simple to understand, and one of the finest “big days” of my life was spent in a drunken haze on the outskirts of a one-day test. It’s boring as hell to watch, but a blast to get drunk near.

@Lewith: India is massive and has lots of volunteer organizations over there. I suspect you are part of one of them. Walk around in your spare time to get a lay of the land and hang out with other fellow volunteers. You may not get a local, but, I guarantee you will get a hot piece of ass that you wouldn’t normally be able to get at home because they are lonely.

@Anonimo: Aside from switching up the pill, how are you for doing chores around the place? If she’s doing all the cleaning in addition to work, her libidio is going to dry up real quick.

There’s something to this. Hormones are a bitch, and the adjustment process can be complicated. This is especially likely given that you mention non-pregnancy reasons for taking the pill. She might benefit from an endocrinologist or a really good (probably female) primary care physician in addition to the gyno.

Also: are you sure she isn’t taking any kind of antidepressants? That could be a libido-killer too.

Indeed. A former girlfriend spent about 3 years trying different forms of birth control. The Depo shot made her gain weight which caused her to feel less attractive; the (whichever) pill she took made her lose her sex drive and it was a constant challenge. Just like my man Old Fat Bald Chick Magnet says, every time she tried to adjust or change her birth control the hormones would swing in an entirely different direction. She needs to find the less of all possible evils and stick with it.

Or you could do what I did and get a vasectomy. Which really pissed her off. Which is also why she’s one of my many ex’s.

@hitched to Stalin: Ah yes, a staple of married life: striving to win an argument because you’re absolutely right, and prevailing worsens the situation 500%. Instead, try turning it into a conversation: 1) credit the complaint/nag: “I’ll keep that in mind”; 2) turn hostility into concern: “why does that bother you so much?”; 3) defuse the “i’ve told you 1000 times” rebuke: “look, I’m trying to make things better from now on; let’s talk solutions”. 4) steer towards compromise, give a little; 5) “your happiness it’s important to me”, let her vent a little, but interrupt from time to time with “let’s talk solutions”. 6) turn the conversation about what is important to you personally, but not in “dealbreaker” terms. 7) “i love you too”, or “I’m trying to work out solutions, but we can’t if you keep recriminating”, and go back to 5), and repeat until workable harmony or you feel bereft of any dignity. If that doesn’t work, stick to your guns, reminding her that she just wants to fight, not work things out. Yeah this is emasculating, but those balls are for fucking your wife until divorce is underway.

I was not successful with women at all when I was younger. I had sex with 1 girlfriend and 2 one-night stands by the time I was 23 (even worse? All my friends were poon-hounds, so I had to lie about getting laid because I was insecure). Then I started to heat up, and by the time I was 25 I got pretty good with the ladies. I was “seeing” 3 women at once, and one of them was hands-down a 10. Hot, sweet, funny, successful…everything you want.

I was never in a better place with women, and I threw it all away to get with this one girl. Best decision of my life. I have now been with her for almost 8 years; married for 4. The worst fights we have are over within 10 minutes and we never go to bed angry.

Point is: if you have the right one, marry her. I don’t care if you are 22. Do it.

Thanks for the advice everyone! And Caveman, sincerest apologies on the lack of attachment. Stupid yahoo mail accounts not attaching anything. But I do hope you like Dasha as much as I do.

Anyway, I actually got to India a couple of weeks ago, (that mailbag backlog was apparently HUGE!) and I’ve had a good mix of hanging with ex-pats and the locals at the place I’m volunteering. No single, interested women quite yet, but working towards that, and I feel like it’s on the horizon. Again, very good advice, though, so thank you for taking the time to weigh in, Zack, Sill Bimmons, and Titans4Eva.

Anonimo – have your lady investigate the IUD. It’s basically a t-square inserted into her uterus. Lasts for five years and has fewer hormones.

Tyrant – couples counseling goes a long way. I’ve been married six years as well and we had a rocky patch at the start. The willingness to at least go scores tons of points with the wifey and will helpfully put her in touch with her crazy.

I was going to suggest the same thing. The Mirena has fewer hormones than HBC (hormonal birth control) by an order of magnitude, I believe. There’s also the Paragard, which doesn’t use hormones at all, but it sometimes results in longer, heavier periods & cramping, which is obviously sub-optimal.

Anonimo – I doubt it’s the birth control. It sounds like she has lost some attraction for you since you moved in together. Try leading more with her in general. ex: Don’t ask where she wants to go to dinner. Tell her you’re going to Applebees and she should come along. Then leave with or without her. She won’t ever say it, but she wants submit to you. You have to just be a strong enough man.

Married to occasional tyrant- similar situation to the one I listed above. Your wife has a momentary loss attraction for you and is testing you. (It’s a good thing it doesn’t happen that often.) They’re called shit tests or fitness tests. Your wife is making something up to fight about to see if you can hold your frame and not let her crazy affect you. The next time this happens, don’t respond at her emotional/crazy level. Be calm and collected. Let her know, there’s the car keys, she can go to the grocery store and get as many vegetables as she wants. Hold your frame and go on with your day. She’ll probably huff and puff some more. Then she’ll calm down and then apologize and say she doesn’t know why she got all crazy about whatever. She knows though. All women shit test. Then just need to know if you’ll man up when they need you too. They’re just asking for a status check.

Solid advice, man; too often we forget that women generally want to be told what to do, and a lack of command structure leads to a majority of problems in relationships. I’m not sure if you’ve got time to add commenting on another site to your to-do list, but if you do I’d recommend Jezebel. I really think the readership of that site would appreciate the insights you have into romantic interpersonal dynamics.

@Anonimo if I can interrupt this collection of men vaguely recalling things they once heard about female birth control: my two cents as a woman who has experimented with a lot if birth control options. The pill decreases a lot of women’s libidos. There are a million other options both hormonal and non. There are of course lower dose hormonal pills or just different hormone amounts that will work for different women. These can come in pills, nuva rigs, patches, and injections to name a few methods. In addition you can get IUDs that are hormonal and non-hormonal. The latter often eliminate the period all together. A lot of mds don’t consider sex drive to be important in prescribing medication. Your girlfriend needs to explain this all to her gyno and insist they try something that will continue to make her period lighter/cramps better and not act as such a drag on your sex life. I have an IUD and have convinced two of my friends to get them. They are the best! They are as ubiquitous in Europe as the pill is in America and actually provide better protection!

Am I the only woman (married, with an 8 month old) who would be happy having relations every day? I get turned down much more than the other way around. I haven’t used hormonal birth control in years since I get really bad migraines from time to time. At least thats something my man can’t bitch about. I’d drop trou anytime for him.

Funny. I see a lot of young married couples around here. There’s one object of my current affections who’s 22-23 and married. Thing is that her husband is in another state, and she never mentions her husband. Ever. I don’t want to discuss this too much other than to vent a bit that this girl who is almost my complete opposite in every way is also constantly on my mind. Just more reason to get to doing to fixing me so I can find someone I can be with.