The 3 Most Common Causes of Insecurity and How to Beat Them

15 tools to help you bounce back when you're feeling down about yourself.

Do you find yourself feeling filled with self-doubt and short on confidence? Despite your accomplishments, do you feel like a fraud destined to be exposed? Do you feel that you don’t deserve lasting love and that partners will inevitably leave you? Do you stay at home, afraid to venture out and meet new people because you don’t feel you have enough to offer? Do you feel overweight, boring, stupid, guilty, or ugly?

Most of us feel insecure sometimes, but some of us feel insecure most of the time. The kind of childhood you had, past traumas, recent experiences of failure or rejection, loneliness, social anxiety, negative beliefs about yourself, perfectionism, or having a critical parent or partner can all contribute to insecurity. Following are the 3 most common forms—and how to begin to cope with them.

Type 1: Insecurity Based on Recent Failure or Rejection

Recent events in our lives can greatly affect both our mood and the way we feel about ourselves. Research on happiness suggests that up to 40% of our “happiness quotient” is based on recent life events. The biggest negative contributor to happiness is the ending of a relationship, followed by the death of a spouse, job loss, and negative health events. Since unhappiness also influences your self-esteem, failure and rejection can deliver a double whammy to your confidence. In his book Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure and Other Everyday Hurts, Psychology Today blogger Guy Winch states that rejection inevitably leads us to see both ourselves and other people more negatively, at least for a time. And those of us who have lower self-esteem to begin with are more reactive to failure. It’s as if an experience like losing your job grabs old negative beliefs about your self-worth and activates them. It may help to understand that failure is a nearly ubiquitous experience: Before becoming president, Abraham Lincoln lost his job, was defeated for nomination to Congress, and failed at least twice in Senate bids. Persevering despite setbacks can lead to eventual successes—which raise your self-esteem.

Below are some tools you can use to overcome failure- or rejection-based insecurity:

Many of us experience a lack of confidence in social situations like parties, family gatherings, interviews, and dates. The fear of being evaluated by others—and found to be lacking—can lead you to feel anxious and self-conscious. As a result, you may avoid social situations, experience anxiety when you anticipate social events, or feel self-conscious and uncomfortable during them. Past experience can feed your sense of not belonging, not feeling important or interesting, or just not being good enough. Many of my clients describe how being bullied or excluded from a group of friends in middle school or high school continues to negatively affect their confidence as adults. If you grew up with critical parents, or parents who pressured you to be popular and successful, you may also be over-sensitized to how others perceive you. This type of insecurity is generally based on distorted beliefs about your self-worth—and about the extent to which other people are evaluating you. Most of the time, people are more focused on how they are coming across than on judging others. Those who do judge and exclude are often covering up insecurities of their own and so their opinions may be less than accurate; they may value superficial attributes instead of character and integrity.

Below are some tools to combat insecurity in social situations:

Talk back to your inner critic. Remind yourself of all the reasons that you can be interesting and fun or would be a good friend or partner.

Avoiding social situation just makes things worse. So go to a party or on a date even if you're nervous. Your anxiety should decrease once you get engaged with others—if not the first or second time, then once you get used to showing up.

Set yourself a limited, realistic goal. This could be anything from talking to two new people or finding out more about one person’s work and hobbies.

Deliberately focus on others to combat intense self-focus. Put on your observer hat and notice what other people seem to be feeling and doing. Do you notice any similarities or skills you can learn from them?

Type 3: Insecurity Driven by Perfectionism

Some of us have very high standards for everything we do. You may want the highest grades, the best job, the perfect figure, the most beautifully decorated apartment or house, neat and polite kids, or the ideal partner. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always turn out exactly the way we want, even if we work extra hard. There is a piece of the outcome that is at least to some degree out of our control. Bosses may be critical, jobs may be scarce, partners may resist commitment, or you may have genes that make it difficult to be skinny. If you are constantly disappointed and blaming yourself for being anything less than perfect, you will start to feel insecure and unworthy. While trying your best and working hard can give you an advantage, other aspects of perfectionism that are unhealthy. Beating up on yourself and constantly worrying about not being good enough can lead to depression and anxiety, eating disorders, or chronic fatigue.

Below are some ways to combat perfectionism:

Try to evaluate yourself based on how much effort you put in, which is controllable, rather than on the outcome, which is dependent on external factors.

Think about how much difference it would actually make if your work were 10 percent better. Would the time and energy spent in checking and re-checking or answering every email really be worth it?

Perfectionism is often based on all- or nothing thinking, so try to find the grey areas. Is there a more compassionate or understanding way to view a situation? Are you taking your circumstances into account when you evaluate yourself? Is there something you learned or achieved even if the end result wasn’t perfect?

Perfectionists often have conditional self-esteem: They like themselves when they are on top and dislike themselves when things don't go their way. Can you learn to like yourself even when you are not doing well? Focus on inner qualities like your character, sincerity, or good values, rather than just on what grades you get, how much you get paid, or how many people like you.

This article really puts things in place . I have social anxiety and perfectionism . Its like a mix . I have this feeling that I am not perfect which results in social anxiety. It's very depressing. The thing is , I am only 17.

This is the state of mind for many seeking perfectionism. Only nature is perfect, and we all, in one way or the other copy nature and vainly keep on attempting to achieve perfection which is impossible. We are only reasonably perfect, and who is the judge - yourself - and nobody else can do it. So satisfy yourself that you have done your best, and leave the rest. That is the way and realize the fact that we can never achieve perfectionism. A thing perfect for me may not be so for you, and vice verse.

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Am happy to get this bc I always do things in the way the perfectionists do, every body who knows me forces me to be at top-grades as was at high school--- but I only do survive and with disappointed ppl who care for me----------++May be what you wrote lacks sth--i.e. for example, in my campus-cafe, there are students making fun of me looking and staring at me whenever I got there..hate times, ppl nature, but am really confident about my survival- I can win! I WILL WIN!! Thanks.

Hey, word for word, applies to me as well. What's worse is that this, I've been up constantly, working on getting my affairs in order, and was worried about financial gains not coming through, (I received finally) so they did and so alcohol, energy drink and antihistamines has been my best friends lately (kids sick too may I remind you), but anyway, I thought I'd go out sexy and had to remove my pants (two pair of leggings underneath) and wear like a nightclub fit, I got criticized asking if I were (in other words on speed) talking about embarrassed, I was getting weird looks from everyone judging me and news spreads fast around here so I'm sure now I'm a "drug addict " to the community. My anxiety obviously makes me stand out and yes, coming up we were viewed as less in our little community. I've always stayed to myself. The only couple friends I had brought my self-esteem and mistrust of people down even further by always bringing me "rumors" that in later years I learned were started or provoke by them..... I can go on but I won't. Just hang in there you guys and remember, your perception isn't always correct..... Neither are pthers

When we let other people, or circumstances, control our own emotions, when we feel that tornado because we lose faith int he very essence of who we are and what we believe, there's really only 1 thing going on here and at least this opens up one opportunity for real self help.

That 1 thing is that we were already coming from a place where we were over reliant on outside forces. Then when we lose that crumb of a pillar of support, we are devastated.

So my suggested mechanism is to look in to yourself, not to others, or to change your environment. By all means do those things too, but recognise it's replacing one crutch for another.

In victor frankyls book he says "we are born alone, and we die alone". While I don't totally agree with that on face value, because it's the interaction and impact we have inbetween, the memories we create and the universal energy we infuse, it emphasises that it's up to us how we feel, not others. It's not up to any God, either.

But these are just words. Another soundbite. So let me make it more real.

Each of us was born and has a unique path of experience and memories to create and enjoy. Only I is responsible for how the I feels. Passing off that responsibility is just an excuse. So whatever we do with it, it is each our own.

So what gets me through my (hours/years) moments of doubt personally is this.

"I know I am right. My purpose is totally mine and mine alone to own. So I do the best that I can, at every given moment, to steer my life where I am destined to go. If others can enjoy that, or I get positive feedback, then that is juts an added bonus. It isn't the reason to do it. Or to stop doing it. Or to do something else.
It's purely up to me to accept responsibility for who I am and what I do and to do my very best to do that."

At first glance that may not seem like much of a tool or a help. But knowing you are responsible for our destiny and knowing that you are right to flow to that path, is inescapable. There is no room for self doubt when you are pro-active in becoming great with in yourself.

So like the Sedona method and others implies, we each need to accept our feelings and claim responsibility for them, and then control them and our destiny.

Positive feedback, love and being respected are all great. Bu they're not the reason to do or not do, anything.

The one core truth is we each control who we are. Despite the roadblocks. Despite the bad luck. Despite the abuse. Despite those who seek to control us for their own gains. We are each right about our own future.

When you can accept responsibility for who you are, then you take back control and you can change your destiny to your own designs.

It might only be an atom at a time. It may feel like you go up one rung and back down 3. The odds often seem overwhelming and unbeatable.

But no one and no thing can take away our resolve to keep moving forward, because we are right about our own choices and path.

Know only 1 thing. That you are right about yourself and the journey you want to take. You are right. Rejoice. Be happy for yourself.

You can't control anyone else, nor should you want to. Not what they do, or how they feel about you or what you do.

But know the 1 truth. You are right about your own self. Nothing else matters. You are right.

For me, that's the most valuable tool in my life.

Knowing you are right, is what makes Saints saint like and makes good win over the forces of evil.

I started doubting everything i see, i stopped going out, i feel like everyone out there is going to betray me ... i had a worst past which kept repeating again and again .. now i don't even trust myself .. one of my old friend wanted to go out with me on date but i rejected her too thinking she might cheat me ... i feel like everyone is gonna cheat on me .. so i decided to stay away form everyone so that i don't hurt anyone.

I request that you edit the grammar of this article more closely. I like what you have to say, but this article and the feedback from others are in desperate need of editing. For example, this sentence is not correct: "While trying your best and working hard can give you an advantage, other aspects of perfectionism that are unhealthy." Please fix.

Hey, I appreciate these mainstream methods to overcome securities, many people can probably relate and even get temporary relief. But I feel like there's still a big piece missing. Finding the "root" cause goes deeper than this. Muscle testing is awesome for that. Finding exactly where the emotion is stuck in the body and then releasing it - THAT is where the true healing is.
Would love for you to read my blurb on it and let me know what you think. :)

I have a very special person but many times I did not want her to go somewhere that I am not confident that she will go there. Because I'm afraid that she will leave me or leave me because of my shortcomings that she saw in me and see a better one. Sometimes I hurt myself when I overthink.