Dear Beloved Reader, we're going to be real with you. We're asking you to join our membership program so we can become fully financially sustainable (and you get some cool perks too!) With dropping ad rates across the media industry, we're at continuous risk of shutting down. And we don't want you to face Trump and his kind without the unique resources we provide. If everyone reading this only gave $10, we could raise enough money for the entire year in just one day. That's right, with the price of a single lunch out, you can save us. We're an independent feminist media site, led entirely by people of color, and that pays everyone who writes for us. If Everyday Feminism has been useful to you, please take one minute to keep us publishing the articles you've come to rely on us for. Thank you! Click here to join!

everyday feminism

9 Toxic Relationship Habits We Mistake as Healthy

Editor’s Note: We at Everyday Feminism would like to note that not everyone has the ability to not rely on their partners as caregivers. Making that assumption can invisibilize folks with disabilities. We believe that not all relationships look the same, and recognize that discussions on relationship dynamics should be more inclusive of all marginalized identities.

This article originally appeared on Medium and was lightly edited and republished here with the author’s permission.

Relationships are difficult to navigate. Especially these days, when the world tends to feel — more than ever — like it’s falling apart at the seams.

But, while romantic relationships and partnerships are certainly a great way to find comfort, grounding, and stability, it’s important to ensure that you aren’t unwittingly nurturing toxic habits with your partner.

Sometimes, the relationship habits that we romanticize or consider to be ‘normal’ can actually be damaging and unhealthy.

Here are 9 such habits that, while we often consider ‘healthy,’ are actually pretty toxic:

1. Calling your partner your “everything”

A friend of mine, after dating someone for about six months, texted me and said, “she means everything to me.”

Six months after that, he proposed, and now they’re married.

While I’m sure they’ll stay “happily-ever-after” married forever, sometimes I still think about that text and feel a little like: uh. k.

2. Constant communication

Look, communication is good. Great. A real pillar of a strong relationship right there — good job.

Constant communication, however, is not okay.

One of my friends started dating this girl, and I don’t know if it was her or him or both of them (my money’s on both) but those two would talk on the phone a dozen times a day.

She would just call him sporadically with something that, the first few times, seemed like a legitimate important issue, and he’d excuse himself and be all, “brb” but then wouldn’t come back for like an hour.

And it would happen multiple times a day. Always.

And then they got married. And as far as I know, they still spend hours of their days doing this.

Emotional self-sufficiency goes a long, long way. You shouldn’t be relying on your partner for company or reassurance any time you have a thought or eat something.

3. Asking your partner to *fix* your emotional issues

Your partner “not being there for you,” or being “unsympathetic to your crappy day,” or being “distant” during a hug, or going out with friends instead of comforting you are all examples of you expecting them to take care of you, instead of you taking care of yourself.

Blaming our partners for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness, and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), you will develop codependent tendencies.

Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs.

There’s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and being emotionally obligated to your partner. There’s a difference between coming to each other as individuals with free will, who add to each others’ lives — and depending on one another for care.

4. Being responsible for each other’s happiness

Really just the “positive upside” of being responsible for each other’s emotional well-being. Because, folks, it’s not good even when it’s “good.”

I once dated a guy who won me over by asking, early on, “how do I make you happy?”

I thought this was like the creme de la creme of #relationshipgoals. And maybe it is, somewhere, with two healthy people with strong senses of self-sufficiency.

But with him, what might’ve once been “sort-of-kind-of-could-have-been” love slowly eroded into some zombie remains of him basing his self-worth on my minute-by-minute state.

5. Doing everything together, never apart

6. Seeking “balance” by keeping score

I know some people who tally up chores like they’re still earning star stickers in first grade. Or going through their picks for playground dodgeball — “I’ll take the laundry if you do the floors.”

I know couples who play-pretend at “one cooks, one does the dishes” households and have actually gotten into fights because “one of them” decides to bake cookies but “the other one” doesn’t eat any and refuses to do the dishes.