Cape deacon advises how to comfort friends with cancer

When the Rev. Bonnie E. Draeger was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002, many of her friends were unsure how to help.

When they looked for books on the subject, they came up empty-handed.

So Draeger — a pastor at Orleans United Methodist Church in East Orleans — started interviewing doctors, cancer professionals and patients to compile a book filled with information.

The result?

"When Cancer Strikes a Friend: What to Say, What to Do, and How to Help," by Rev. Bonnie E. Draeger ($14.95) is on shelves now. The book is a prescriptive, step-by-step guide with menus of tried-and-true responses, bulleted examples, detailed sidebars and advice from doctors and other cancer professionals.

What was initially meant to be a self-published book that she handed out for free was picked up by a publisher, Skyhorse. But Draeger's plan remains the same: to hand out thousands of copies of the book for free. If you do purchase the book, profits will be donated and go to cancer education and patient assistance, and to award grants for health education and initiatives for at-risk families.

We had a chance to talk to Draeger, president and executive director of Friends & Cancer, this week.

Q: You were diagnosed with cancer in 2002. Can you tell a little about your personal story?

A: I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in May 2002. A month later, physicians discovered a different type of breast cancer in my second breast. This necessitated a double mastectomy, chemotherapy and breast reconstruction. I consider myself to be a cancer survivor, who is also "living with cancer," in that I have had no cancer recurrence, but am still being carefully monitored.

Q: Why did you decide to write this book?

A: Many of my friends, family and colleagues were stymied as to how to respond to my situation and how to help. One friend asked, "Where is the book for friends?" I couldn't find a book with the guidance she sought ...

So I visited Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center (an internationally-known cancer center in New York City) to ask their physicians the same question. They said they didn't know of a book, either.

So a vision emerged for an authoritative and user-friendly guide that would help everyone outside the immediate family learn how to respond appropriately and effectively. It would have bulleted advice from specialists, alongside stories and suggestions from survivors. This vision led (me to interview) over 40 cancer professionals and hundreds of survivors and their families, each contributing their own expertise, wisdom or experience.

Q: Why did you co-found Friends & Cancer? What does the organization do?

A: I co-founded Friends & Cancer, a small 501(c)(3) public charity, in 2003 in New York, with a small group of friends dedicated to its objectives — to create new cancer education materials, to provide free cancer education programming and patient support, and to fund health education and health care initiatives that will help prevent cancer and other life threatening illnesses in at-risk children and families.

Our next project is to implement free cancer education workshops and place thousands of free copies of the book in libraries, hospitals, places of worship, physicians' offices, schools and other public places.

Q: What is the most important thing friends of cancer patients can do?

A: The most important thing friends can do is to "be in touch," and "stay in touch" throughout the cancer journey and beyond. One survivor summed it up in this way: "All the shouting is over in the first six weeks." Cancer is a long road, and it is easy for patients to feel left out or forgotten once the initial crisis has passed. Whether it is through text, phone or email, gifts, cards, or nitty-gritty everyday help, stay connected throughout the journey and beyond.

Also, make small changes in the way you phrase every day communications. "Tell your readers we don't want pity!" said survivors I interviewed. Cancer educator Janice Ross says friends should avoid saying, "I'm soooooooo sorry you're sick." Instead try, "I'm sorry you have to go through this." Rather than asking, "How are you?"-which may require more information than survivors want to share, ask, "How are you doing today?"

Q: Are there any common misconceptions, things people do that they think are helpful that they shouldn't do?

A: The most common mistake made during cancer is to say, "I'll do anything; just call me" or "Call me with whatever you need." Although well-meaning, this places responsibility upon patients who haven't time or energy to determine volunteers' schedules, preferences and abilities.

Instead, be specific. Say, "I'm available on Thursday for carpool help with the kids, or a ride to chemo." Give patients time to consider your offer saying, "Think about it and I'll call back in a few days." Help that is unwanted now may become a necessity later.

Q: Tell us a little about yourself.

A: I'm a Midwesterner who fell in love with Cape Cod when my husband was stationed in Massachusetts with the Air Force in the 1970s. We returned to the Midwest to raise our sons among extended family, and then when my husband retired in 2008, we relocated to the Cape. It was the best decision we have ever made.

Q: Have you always been in the clergy?

A: I attended seminary after a 25-year career as a music educator. After graduating with a Master of Divinity in 1996, I felt called to remain a lay minister.

This changed when I was invited to deliver the keynote speech for Cancer Survivors Day in New York in 2003. Stepping down from the podium, I realized that many in attendance wanted, and needed, to speak to a clergy person and that it was time for me to assume that responsibility. I was ordained as a United Methodist clergywoman the following year.

Fact Box

From "when Cancer strikes a friend"

Presence often goes well beyond our willingness and availability. In many religions, including Islam, Judaism and Christianity, lending one's presence during another's illness is not an option but a sacred responsibility. ... When we make ourselves emotionally or physically present during another's illness, we are answering the human call to compassion - and for many of us, fulfiling a sacred duty.