Tuesday, October 14, 2008

This is one of the most common questions (in some shape or form) that is asked nearly every day on SYBD. Mostly the question is coming from someone who is hurt and bewildered at an ex’s behaviour post-dump. Their horrified that the ex is moving on in what seems like hours, or days after a split. What is seemingly over night for the dumpee – can actually be much longer from the dumper’s standpoint. Read on as this week, forum member and SYBD Benefactor, Kylie Nexus answers the question.

Even though we can never really decipher the actions and words of another person, we try. We obsess our way through our hurt, confusion and even anger that’s spawned from the breakup, and most likely end up with completely erroneous conclusions on the matter.

What a dumpee must recognise is that, though it seems like it’s happened “over night” for them, for the dumper it’s been a more gradual process. The end of a relationship, for them, doesn’t necessarily take place when they break up with their partner - rather it is likely that for weeks (possibly months and maybe even years) before they actually end the relationship/marriage, they’re emotionally detaching and distancing themselves.

This is often shown in a change of behaviour towards their partner and the relationship; like spending less time together, refusing sex, and lack of communication, possibly even secrecy regarding their whereabouts and activities when they’re not with their partner.

As the “dumper” is emotionally detaching themselves from their partner, they have the space and distance needed to come to terms with the demise of the relationship. They’re having time to deal with their romantic feelings for their partner, and sadly, they have time to get over their partner with that, so when they end the relationship, it’s likely that they’re leaving it with a lot less emotional baggage than the person who’s just been broken up with.

This is often why, when the relationship is over, the dumper’s ready to move on and date. In a lot of cases, the ex will immediately start dating some one right away or begins playing the field. When there is seemingly no down time at all before they’re in another relationship, it leaves the dumpee to feel like it’s happened over night.

So often this can be a very baffling and painful experience for the person who’s been just left. More often than not, they assume that their ex didn’t care about them, or were cheated on, that the relationship meant nothing, or that their ex doesn’t care about the pain they’re in.

Surprising as it may seem, this is not actually the case (in most instances). It’s merely that the ex has had time to come to terms with this new path in life, and the dumpee is hurt/heart-broken.

The dumper assumes that because they’ve moved on emotionally over the time they’ve had to make their decision to end the relationship, then they can date again - but the dumped person assumes that this is a completely new situation for both parties and not knowing that their ex has already been detaching from them for some time, views their ex moving on seemingly fast as something that’s wrong, hurtful and insensitive. But the ex has been able to deal with their feelings regarding the breakup, and that’s why they can move on so quickly.Kylie Nexis

Thanks Kylie…

There are dozens of threads along this vein every week in fact, but a current one asks “How Long Did They Plan On Leaving Us?” A question of course that has no answer – because every break up is a little different – but the thread offers perspectives from people who have been on both sides of the dumping fence. Myself included.

I found when it happened to me - I eventually arrived at the point where I realised it didn't matter how long he'd been thinking about leaving me. The fact was it was over and the only thing I could do was get over it.