It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," was his reply.

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.

I have a Labrador retriever.I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again.Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time,but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care wardwith tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect dietand that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggetsand simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

I just found out (from Raw Story) that Mary Carey, the porn actress that attended a Bush fund raiser not so long ago is planning to run against Arnold Schwarzenegger for governor.

She has her own political website (different than the one where she sells her videos, only go there if you are not offended by naked people and commercial sexuality).

Having given it some serious thought, I hope she wins. Our country has been run for quite along time by people who fear their sexuality and embrace violence as a compensation. (You don't think so? This is a country that is so repressed that it will freak out over a bare breast on TV but not bat an eye over people being blow up, chopped up, beaten, maimed, murdered and mangled on the same channel).

If more Right Wingers had happy sex lives the world would be a much better place.

Logged

"You see, it's not the blood you spill that gets you what you want, it's the blood you share. Your family, your friendships, your community, these are the most valuable things a man can have." Before Dishonor - Hatebreed

Wow.. I had no idea. I'll have to do some more research and see how well she did.

Logged

"You see, it's not the blood you spill that gets you what you want, it's the blood you share. Your family, your friendships, your community, these are the most valuable things a man can have." Before Dishonor - Hatebreed

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if youwant to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car andcalls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A seniorofficer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The womansteps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this carand murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivinglicense. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and handsit to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't havea license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked upthe owner.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You`re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can`t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn`t decide which one to take, so I told her we`d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn`t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That`s fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let`s go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don`t feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You`re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can`t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I`m not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I`m smarter than her.

"You see, it's not the blood you spill that gets you what you want, it's the blood you share. Your family, your friendships, your community, these are the most valuable things a man can have." Before Dishonor - Hatebreed

MEXICO CITY (AP) - A well-known U.S. anti-kidnapping expert has himself fallen victim to the wave of abductions in Mexico as unidentified assailants snatched him from a street in the northern state of Coahuila. Local authorities say American Felix Batista was in Mexico to give talks and offer advice against kidnapping. The former U.S. army officer sometimes serves as a negotiator with kidnappers. Batista is a consultant for the Houston, Texas-based security firm ASI Global LLC. ASI Global President Charlie LeBlanc says Batista was abducted on Dec. 10 in Saltillo, the capital of Coahuila. LeBlanc said Monday that the FBI and Mexican police are working on the case, but would not say whether any ransom demand has been received.

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al- Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

Logged

"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny

Cindy has a nasty case of the cooties caught from Summerlin-- including drooling green snot so that is why she has not promptly handled your re-enlistment. Let me see what I can do to hurry the process.

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.The second floor sign reads:Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking.'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Logged

"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny

Here's some more puns following up on Pretty Kitty's and Robertlk808's:

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

She used to have a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

« Last Edit: June 23, 2010, 03:21:16 PM by Stickgrappler »

Logged

"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny

"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

Logged

"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cold drink," and then, he said with a deep sigh..........

(scroll down)

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Logged

"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny

01. Talk about a huge breast! 02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 03. It's Cool Whip time! 04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 05. That's one terrific spread! 06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 07. Are you ready for seconds yet? 08. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. Stop playing with your meat and eat it!

Logged

"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Logged

"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny

A guy is on a tour in a hospital, and he walks in on a patient jercking off. He asks the doc about it. Doc says, the patient has a severe case of prostatitis, and if he doesn't get off at least 5 times a day, he will die.

Guy keeps walking, and walks in on a guy getting head from a hot nurse. He asks the doc again. Doc says, he's got the same problem as the first patient, but a much better health plan.

Logged

"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny

OK, this one is kind of long, but worth it. I have done my best to edit it for language. It's best if you read all three judges reactions. Anyway, here goes.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili 1 - Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.Judge 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.Judge 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap! What the hell is this stuff? You couldremove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili 2 - Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.Judge 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all of the beer.

Chili 4 - Bubba's Black Magic

Judge 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. chick is starting to look HOT...just like this is nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili 5 - Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili 6 - Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili 7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like crap to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!

Chili 8 - Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got the person.

The bartender replied that if you go into the back there is a genie that will grant one wish.

The man dashed into the the back and as the bartender said there was a genie. The man wished for 1,000,000 million bucks, but instead, got 1,000,000 ducks.

Infuriated the man stormed to the bartenderand screamed "I asked your genie for 1,000,000 bucks but i got 1,000,000 ducks.

"No duh", replied the bartender, "Do you reallythink I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST

Logged

"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny

Third guy says "I wish my penis touched the ground." So the genie cut off his legs.

Logged

"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny