Anatomy of a Press Photo: First Look at Armie Hammer as The Lone Ranger

"Oboy. Look, people, when Gore Verbinski said he wasn't going to give us a 'straight' version of The Lone Ranger, he didn't mean that it would therefore be gayer than a handbag full of rainbows. I don't even want to know fetish is indicated by a red kerchief 'round the neck, but I'm guessing the black mask and thick leather gloves have something to do with it. We've got our work cut out for us. Okay, let's start with the mask. Right now, it says 'costume ball role-play.' We need 'superhero.' Something with a little more structure. Not quite the complete nosejob of Batman..."

"Maybe something more like Seth Rogan's Green Hornet, though Lord knows that story is not the sort of 'modern twist on a classic' that we're going for."

"Good. While we're at it, let's keep Rogan's stubble, too. Our guy already has a clean white hat to indicate his immaculate soul. We don't need the overkill of clean white cheeks out there on the frontier. Speaking of the hat, it's actually not bad, though we can do without the six-foot-long chinstrap with the fringe at the bottom. That thing looks more dangerous that a cape on a super."

"Okay, now things get tricky. We can't just ditch the kerchief; too many people remember it fondly. But wow. Lessee...no, I'm stumped. Hm? Graznow in catering? What's he got to do with this? Oh, I get it. That hemp necklace thing he wears to Fight the Man - right, right. Well, it's not great, but it's certainly not gay, either."

"Fine, moving on. I think we can all agree that the less said about the lace-up powder-blue pullover top, the better. Put the man in a three-piece suit like Gary Cooper in High Noon, and slap a tin star on him while you're at it. I don't care if he is a ranger - he wears a suit."