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Thursday, May 31, 2012

We've got another revision today. You can find Nabila's original query, here. And you can find my critique of it, here. If you didn't see the first post, please do take a look, because you can find the link to Nabila's blog there.

Now, let's get to the letter:

Dear _____

The youngest of three siblings, Shelly Manhar is hot-tempered, indecisive and always rushing into things. But never in her wildest dreams did she imagine becoming a pirate, until her father and brother are lost to piracy soon after their family home burns down. Along with her elder sister Anna, who is her only guide in life now, she decides to take the only path they can to find their family: join the swashbucklers who rule the high seas gunpowder, blade and cannon. But when Anna dies unexpectedly just after they have taken their first ship, Shelly finds herself all alone in the world.

Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly sets sail with vengeance in her heart, with the crew that she gathered through the means of her skill with the sword and her absolute stubbornness. During her journeys, she discovers that her brother has now become a navy officer, making them each other’s enemies. The situation is further worsened by the fact that her brother now stands in the way of her revenge, as he is working for Doomham, the same man who is in some way responsible for the disappearance of her father and the destruction of her home. Furthermore, through her adventures Shelly finds out that her father is more than just some ordinary merchant, she herself is directly connected to Doomham, there is a dangerous treasure hidden in the waters of the Caribbean Sea that could spell certain doom if it reaches her enemy, and these three conditions are linked with one another. Now she must take her revenge, protect the lost treasure from falling in the wrong hands, find and unite her family, and ultimately decide which life she’d keep in the long run: her old, lawful one, or the new, illegal yet highly addictive one.

Completed at 90,000 words, THE UNTAMED ONE is my first novel. The manuscript is available on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Nabila Fairuz

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and have a wonderful Thursday.

Public Service Announcement: After today, I've got only one person waiting in line for a query critique. If you know anyone who is looking for help with their letter, send them my way. All they have to do is email me.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I got up late today and had the strange sensation of driving to work after the sun was up. Daylight is a strange and fickle companion.

Ahem.

Anyway, let's get work. Here's Stella's revised query, this time with my feedback, in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

When badass former Marine, Mia Mitchell, steps into a dark alley to pull a few thugs off their prey, she finds the fight she’s been looking for. I added the been, because otherwise it's not clear she's been looking for a fight for some time, and not only that night. The problem is the prey proposes she take up another fight, and a button-click later she awakes on an Earth-like parallel world. Huh? I'm confused. This is vague, and I don't know exactly what's going on. These are aliens or people from the parallel world, right? And what does this button belong to? It's a part of some device? That’s one mad left-hook. This line is still killer, but it unfortunately actually packs less punch now (pun intended). Before, it could be taken both literally and metaphorically, but now that we have more specifics in front of it, it doesn't have as much double meaning. I'm not saying the specifics aren't good, because they are (you need more, in fact), but I'm just pointing out how it changes this line a bit.

The scrap leads to a cryptic job offer any sane person would refuse. I'm still undecided on this. The job offer is still vague to me, but you get to it in a moment, and it does set up some great characterization in this next line. So, she takes it. She’s got nothing to lose. Turns out the other side of the rabbit-hole leads to a matriarchal utopia where freedom doesn’t exist, and fighting for it means execution for either gender. Mia finds herself with an underground syndicate of men longing for freedom. She’s been tasked withThe impossible job they've offered her is training them to fight, but not all agree they need her to show them the way. After all, she’s the enemy. Do you understand why I changed that? I want to see it made perfectly clear that the training and the job offer are the same thing. Otherwise, the vagueness of the job offer gets lost in the shuffle, and an agent might stop reading.

Eben, an ex-slave, is trying to understand Mia’s odd views of freedom. You've done a good job of moving this final paragraph a bit more toward Mia's POV, but you might need to reword it even a little more. He’s also complicating her exit strategy. If she leaves, the power struggle within the syndicate may make their battle for freedom impossible. That Eben doesn’t want her to go only makes things worse for stoic Mia. Haunted by nightmares and post-traumatic stress, unsure who to trust or how to get home, their collective fight for independence becomes her last hope for salvation. But before long, she discovers all is not what it seems. Reality checks never bounce. The rest of this is pretty friggin' good. That last new line, in particular, is so full of voice, I love it.

THE MALE AMENDMENT is a 115,000 word speculative/romantic novel with series potential and duelling POVs. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Stella Telleria

In summary, there's not a whole lot to summarize. You took my (and my reader's) advice, and you ran with it. I think this query is much improved, and is very very close to where it needs to be. Keep working on the opening, and add a few more specifics, and you'll be there.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I'm you sure you all remember Stella's first query, and the critique. She's asked us to have a look at her revision.

So here's the new letter:

Dear Agent,

When badass former marine, Mia Mitchell, steps into a dark alley to pull a few thugs off their prey, she finds the fight she’s looking for. The problem is the prey proposes she take up another fight, and a button-click later she awakes on an Earth-like parallel world. That’s one mad left-hook.

The scrap leads to a cryptic job offer any sane person would refuse. So, she takes it. She’s got nothing to lose. Turns out the other side of the rabbit-hole leads to a matriarchal utopia where freedom doesn’t exist, and fighting for it means execution for either gender. Mia finds herself with an underground syndicate of men longing for freedom. She’s been tasked with training them to fight, but not all agree they need her to show them the way. After all, she’s the enemy.

Eben, an ex-slave, is trying to understand Mia’s odd views of freedom. He’s also complicating her exit strategy. If she leaves, the power struggle within the syndicate may make their battle for freedom impossible. That Eben doesn’t want her to go only makes things worse for stoic Mia. Haunted by nightmares and post-traumatic stress, unsure who to trust or how to get home, their collective fight for independence becomes her last hope for salvation. But before long, she discovers all is not what it seems. Reality checks never bounce.

THE MALE AMENDMENT is a 115,000 word speculative/romantic novel with series potential and duelling POVs. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Stella Telleria

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow. I'm working on three manuscripts right now (critiquing one, editing one, and drafting one), and I made a lot of progress on all three yesterday, so I won't be reading many blogs today. Mention your post in a comment if you have something important you want me to see, and I will stop by.

Monday, May 28, 2012

I wasn't going to post this morning. But then I heard this story on NPR on the way into work. The story of one of the most famous war poems in history.

From Wikipedia: "In Flanders Fields" is a war poem in the form of a rondeau, written during the First World War by Canadian physician and Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae. He was inspired to write it on May 3, 1915, after presiding over the funeral of friend and fellow soldier Alexis Helmer, who died in the Second Battle of Ypres. According to legend, fellow soldiers retrieved the poem after McCrae, initially unsatisfied with his work, discarded it. "In Flanders Fields" was first published on December 8 of that year in the London-based magazine Punch.

It is one of the most popular and most quoted poems from the war. As a result of its immediate popularity, parts of the poem were used in propaganda efforts and appeals to recruit soldiers and raise money selling war bonds. Its references to the red poppies that grew over the graves of fallen soldiers resulted in the remembrance poppy becoming one of the world's most recognized memorial symbols for soldiers who have died in conflict. The poem and poppy are prominent Remembrance Day symbols throughout the Commonwealth of Nations, particularly in Canada, where "In Flanders Fields" is one of the nation's best known literary works.

And here is the text of the poem:

In Flanders Fields

By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)

Canadian Army

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

So what do you say on Memorial Day? The long weekend, the BBQs, and the beach certainly make for great memories, but should we really say "Happy Memorial Day?" Probably not.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

I'm taking tomorrow off, because my baby is graduating from Elementary school (congraduations, Madi!) so today is my Friday. Therefore, I'm just going to hook you up with a little fun.

Mixed Metaphors are something to be avoided, of course, in writing. Unless you're going for camp on purpose. But outside of writing, they're a lot of fun to think about, and besides mixed metaphor is a damned fun phrase to say.

Told from the perspective of Gillian, a plain, middle-aged woman, this story opens as she sits by the side of her comatose husband’s bed. This opening sounds like a synopsis to me. It's dry, it's distant, and we don't get a sense of why we should care about Gillian. I want to connect to a sense of character right away in a query letter, and in this one, I'm not. As doctors and nurses rush to assure her that Ricky this sounds more like a son's name than a husband's. will recover well from this mysterious fall, Gillian muses over the years of cold silence and manipulation that have overshadowed their marriage, and her life. I like this a bit, it's a nice twist, and probably enough conflict for a literary novel, since they're more about character, language, and internal struggle than they are about plot, but I'd like to hear some more specifics.

While Gillian guiltily reveals to who? If it's only to the reader, I don't know if I'd call that revealing. that she hopes Ricky remains in his coma and leaves her to a delightfully empty house, his eyes open to reveal a man who claims to remember nothing of his former self. Interesting. Gillian, convinced that this is only a furthering of the manipulations andthis is an echo, and with the mind games, you don't need both. cruel mind games that have filled most of her life, seeks to test this new Ricky. She invents a family they never had, and fills his head with stories of an imaginary life. This hints at some interesting psychological conflict, and that's probably enough for a literary novel's query, but I wonder if you couldn't get more specific, and end on some kind of difficult choice she'd have to make. Do they have no family who could discover her ruse? Surely she must choose between the comfort of her deception and the consequences of the truth being discovered.

My first book, Title of First Book, Italicized was published by Lucky Press in lateMonth 2010. I'veIt received a very warm reception in the market, and some great reviews to start with, this makes it sound like it started getting bad reviews, later. including being named a finalist in the ForeWord Book of the Year Awards. What category is it under? I checked the 2010 finalists, for Adult Literary, at this link, but I couldn't find it. Was that book some other genre?

I am hopeful that this book will be of interest to your press, and am very excited and anxious to hear your response and feedbacklook forward to your response. I am including a synopsis and sample chapter below. Please do let me know if there is any other information I can provide.

Sincerely,

Shauna Kelley

Okay, in summary, as Jessica pointed out yesterday, it's hard to sell a literary novel, and it's even harder to write a query for one. Usually, there is little focus on high-stakes plot in a literary novel, and that can make it difficult to write a compelling query that really zings.

That being said, I think you've done a decent job here, when it comes to content. You've got a unique premise, that I think makes for an interesting story situation, and all you need to do is work on some of the details in the execution of getting that premise across.

If you could open with a better sense of Gillian as a character, and close with a better sense of some kind of difficult choice she has to make, I think you'd be in much better shape here.

That's it.

What do you guys think? Has anyone ever tried to query a literary novel?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Thanks so much for your support on yesterday's post, everyone. If you missed it, you can find it, here. Now, let's get back into the swing of things. Do you all know Shauna Kelley? If not, please go visit her blog, and become a follower.

Told from the perspective of Gillian, a plain, middle-aged woman, this story opens as she sits by the side of her comatose husband’s bed. As doctors and nurses rush to assure her that Ricky will recover well from this mysterious fall, Gillian muses over the years of cold silence and manipulation that have overshadowed their marriage, and her life.

While Gillian guiltily reveals that she hopes Ricky remains in his coma and leaves her to a delightfully empty house, his eyes open to reveal a man who claims to remember nothing of his former self. Gillian, convinced that this is only a furthering of the manipulations and cruel mind games that have filled most of her life, seeks to test this new Ricky. She invents a family they never had, and fills his head with stories of an imaginary life.

My first book was published by Lucky Press in late 2010. I've received a very warm reception in the market, and some great reviews to start with, including being named a finalist in the ForeWord Book of the Year Awards.

I am hopeful that this book will be of interest to your press, and am very excited and anxious to hear your response and feedback. I am including a synopsis and sample chapter below. Please do let me know if there is any other information I can provide.

Sincerely,

Shauna Kelley

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Shauna for her courage in the comments.

Friday, May 18, 2012

First of all, so sorry it took me so long to get this up. Work has been absolutely crazy today, which just goes to show you that writing your posts the day of is not always the best idea.

Anyway, let's get to work. My feedback will be in red.

The query:

Dear [Agent],

Bookish seventh(-)grader Laurel Rooseveldt never imagined her family’s move to Lonewater would result in the loss of her soul. I like this opening, you've done a great job with the thing most people forget, or miss on: Character. That being said, the rest is a bit cliche. Not too terrible, and probably workable, since you get specific about it later. After all, life in the pastoral town starts out well enough – I suggest people avoid em-dashes in query letters, because email can do funny things to the formatting. Laurel’s simple hope of making a friend is realized the moment she meets fearless tomboy Samantha Ellerton. You usually want to end your opening hook paragraph with some kind of inciting incident that hints at conflict, but I don't have a problem with this. I get the feeling these two get into lots of trouble together, and I love that you've given us two unique individuals with tons of character.

All in all, this is a very good opening. Perhaps not perfect, but an excellent start.

But beneath Lonewater’s serene façade lurks a dark and sinister secret: a boy named Charlie. For Charlie plays the unwilling host to something inhuman, something wicked which emerges from him to steal the souls of Lonewater’s children, leaving them in comas from which they never awaken. And Charlie cannot control it.

Um ... are you sure you've never done this before? This is getting really good.

At first Laurel doesn’t believe the stories of Charlie and the Soul-Thief. But when her younger brother becomes the abomination’s latest victim, they suddenly become far more real. With the reluctant help of Charlie himself, Laurel confronts the Thief in a desperate attempt to rescue her brother…but things go horribly wrong when Samantha unexpectedly intervenes.

I wouldn't change a thing here, Matt.

Torn from their reality, Laurel and Samantha now find themselves trapped in the world of the Soul-Thief, a strange, phantasmagoric dreamscape of endless night populated by bizarre beings and terrifying creatures. Together the two young girls must make their way through the surreal and frightening world, attempting to learn how to save not only Laurel’s brother, but all the souls the Thief has stolen – to include their own.

Matt, this query is already very good. I don't have many specific in text notes for you. I'll summarize at the end.

Complete at 78,30078,000 words, A CHILD’S FAERIE-TALE is a young adult dark fantasyYA Dark Fantasy with series potential that I’m hoping will be of interest to you because [personalized reason].

I have been published as an artist and uncredited writer/editor for MysteriansMytserians(Italicize previously published works in a query) (2008), a graphic novel available from Tokyopop. While not the first novel I have written, this is the first I have submitted for representation and publication. I would cut this last sentence, I don't think you need it.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Matt Hentschel

Okay, so in summary: wow! This is an excellent query. There isn't a whole lot to change here. If I had to nit-pick it, only because you've asked for a critique, I would say that your opening hook could be a bit stronger. It's already very good, full of voice and character, but you want it to pack as much punch as possible, in case an agent's assistant is skimming.

Other than that, the body of this query is excellent. You've got three incredible characters, fully realized, a simple but high stakes conflict, and even the hints of a difficult choice to make at the end. For some reason, this query reads like it's a little long, but I copied it into Word, and the meat is only 222 words, which is right under the sweet spot.

One last thing you might consider tightening is the summary at the end. I love the fact that you finish up by raising the stakes so high the girls might lose their own souls, but I think it would be even more powerful if you made it clear they had a tough choice to make. Maybe something about how they could escape and save themselves, and their souls, but they'd have to abandon the brother.

Man, this one was tough. I expect you'll be getting representation very soon, and I would be glad to feature this query again, as a success story (link), once you do. In fact, I would suggest you query Bree Ogden (link), who is a literary agent and the editor of Underneath the Juniper Tree (link), an online literary magazine, which publishes stuff just like this.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Happy Thursday, everybody! Man, yesterday was rough. I got up at 4 AM to come into work, because I had to leave early, to go see my daughter put on a play at school. My baby is graduating from elementary school next Friday. Yes, I could have just used PTO, but I'm kind of a stickler about saving that up.

Anyway, today we have another query letter. If you don't know Matt Hentschel, you can find his blog at From the Borderlands. You should go follow him. His blog is very new, but he's a great illustrator in addition to being an aspiring writer.

So here's his query:

Dear [Agent],

Bookish seventh grader Laurel Rooseveldt never imagined her family’s move to Lonewater would result in the loss of her soul. After all, life in the pastoral town starts out well enough – Laurel’s simple hope of making a friend is realized the moment she meets fearless tomboy Samantha Ellerton.

But beneath Lonewater’s serene façade lurks a dark and sinister secret: a boy named Charlie. For Charlie plays the unwilling host to something inhuman, something wicked which emerges from him to steal the souls of Lonewater’s children, leaving them in comas from which they never awaken. And Charlie cannot control it.

At first Laurel doesn’t believe the stories of Charlie and the Soul-Thief. But when her younger brother becomes the abomination’s latest victim, they suddenly become far more real. With the reluctant help of Charlie himself, Laurel confronts the Thief in a desperate attempt to rescue her brother…but things go horribly wrong when Samantha unexpectedly intervenes.

Torn from their reality, Laurel and Samantha now find themselves trapped in the world of the Soul-Thief, a strange, phantasmagoric dreamscape of endless night populated by bizarre beings and terrifying creatures. Together the two young girls must make their way through the surreal and frightening world, attempting to learn how to save not only Laurel’s brother, but all the souls the Thief has stolen – to include their own.

Complete at 78,300 words, A CHILD’S FAERIE-TALE is a young adult dark fantasy with series potential that I’m hoping will be of interest to you because [personalized reason].

I have been published as an artist and uncredited writer/editor for Mysterians (2008), a graphic novel available from Tokyopop. While not the first novel I have written, this is the first I have submitted for representation and publication.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Matt Hentschel

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Matt for his courage in sharing this with us.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Today I'm celebrating the release of Jessica Bell's new poetry collection, Fabric ... Wait!Please don't close the tab at the the mention of poetry! Trust me, just read a little note from the author herself before deciding to disappear ...

Jessica says:

My poetry will not baffle you with phrasing that scholars award for academic genius and that can only be understood by those who wrote it. My poetry is for the everyday reader. In fact, it is even for those who don’t like to read poetry at all. Because it is real, stark and simple.

The poems in Fabric are no different. They explore specific moments in different people’s lives that are significant to whom they have become, the choices they’ve made. It’s about how they perceive the world around them, and how each and every one of their thoughts and actions contributes to the fabric of society. Perhaps you will even learn something new about yourself.

So, even if you do not usually read poetry, I urge you to give this one a go. Not because I want sales (though, they are fun!), but because I want more people to understand that not all poetry is scary and complex. Not all poetry is going to take you back to high school English, and not all poetry is going make you feel “stupid”.

You can still say to people that you don’t read poetry … I really don’t mind. Because if you read Fabric, you’re not reading poetry, you’re reading about people. And that’s what reading is about, yes? Living the lives of others?

Are you still here? I hope so!

Please support the life of poetry today by spreading the news about Fabric. Hey, perhaps you might even like to purchase a copy for yourself? The e-book is only $1.99 and the paperback $5.50.

If Jessica Bell could choose only one creative mentor, she’d give the role to Euterpe, the Greek muse of music and lyrics. And not because she currently lives in Greece, either. The Australian-native author, poet and singer/song- writer/guitarist has her roots firmly planted in music, and admits inspiration often stems from lyrics she’s written.

She is the Co-Publishing Editor of Vine Leaves Literary Journal, and co-hosts the Homeric Writers' Retreat & Workshop on the Greek Isle of Ithaca, with Chuck Sambuchino of Writer’s Digest.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Morning, readers. Before I hand the reins to Michael, I just want to say a few things about my friend. He jumped on the scene (or at least I discovered him) about a year and a half after I started blogging. Right from the get go, Mike was shocking, honest, and even occasionally highly opinionated. But I learned to love him for who he was pretty quickly. We bloggers are part of such a wonderful community, and especially within the writing/book blogging community, many of us are close friends. But Mike has always ridden a wave of his own making. He's not afraid to tell the truth, and he's not afraid to say what he really feels, and I really respect him for it.

Now, I asked him to talk about word count today, because it's kind of my bane. This blog is yours, Mike. Take it away:

I’ve known Matthew for some time now. Aside from being my gossip partner, I get the sense that Matthew (like myself) goes to war with word count. I remember reading a post he did on Jessica Bell’s blog where he said he trimmed his novel down to 300,000 words, and I compare this to my own episode of cutting where I trimmed SLIPSTREAM from 180,000 words to 120,000 words. After I cut 60,000 words from the manuscript, what I had left was bare bones (this was really hard to do). I feel fortunate to have found a traditional publisher willing to put it out there for the world to see. But yeah…I hate the word count monster. I guess I just have too much to say, and I think really big. Sometimes those kinds of ideas take room to come to fruition. The only trouble is, when you are an unknown, traditional publishers don’t like fat novels.

Recently, I’ve been working on the sequel. It’s at 150,000 words and might end up at 160-170,000 words by the time I’m finished.

I’m facing the word count monster again. But having published one book at 120,000 words might give me the writing chops that my publisher might let me slide in with 150,000. Oh well…word count monster I have faced you and defeated you before! I shall do it again!

So aside from Matthew and I, are there any others out there who war with word count? Care to share your stories?

I have a contest for the release of my book. I will pick one random person who comments on this post to win a $5 Amazon Gift Card and a SLIPSTREAM jeweled spider (the same person wins both prizes). The jeweled spider really sparkles in the sunlight. I hope whoever wins it really likes it. Also, please make sure that your email is linked to your signature in some way J. And yes, the crystal spiders play an important role in my book.

Rules:

1)Mark my book “To Read” on Goodreads.

2)Comment on this post.

3)Tweet this post if you have twitter. You don’t have to sign-up for twitter. It’s the “honor” system.

That’s it. I will choose a winner on Saturday, May 19th. And thank you, Matt, for having me on your fine blog.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

I don't know exactly what she intends to do with it, but she loves to read, and enjoys writing, so imagine it will have something to do with books. She's only got one post up so far, and it really just links back to something she's already done here, which you may have read, but she'd really appreciate if you would follow her, and she'll probably have some MG book reviews up sometime soon.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Happy Friday, everyone! I wish I could say that with more energy, but I'm exhausted. Anyway, we've got Nabila's query again today, and those of you who've seen me do this before will know that my feedback will be in red.

The query:

Dear _____

After a fire burned down her home and her father and brother were lost to piracy, I would normally advise you to begin with character, but this opening line sneaks in great backstory, and it mentions pirates, so I'm not sure you can improve on that. I mean hello? Pirates. Anna and Shelly Manhar did the only thing they could: become pirates themselves, in order to find their family. You need to really think about this. It's possible that Anna does not die until the story has already begun, and if so, perhaps that's your inciting incident, but you absolutely should not introduce these two characters at the same time like this. We need to be certain who your story is about, as soon as possible. But when Anna dies in a mission gone awry, Shelly is left all by herself. Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly gathers a crew and sets sail, looking for vengeance.

You've got a lot of awesome in this paragraph, but you need to re-structure things. First of all, I get the feeling this is a Young Adult novel (in the sense that Shelly is a teenager for most of the story). If that's the case, we need to know how old she is, ASAP. If not, her age is not as important, but we do need to know more about her character, ASAP.

I would suggest you re-write this opening to something along these lines:

Fearless seventeen-year-old Shelly Jones thinks she's lost everything when her father and brother are lost to piracy soon after the family home burns down, but she soon learns life is crueler than she ever could've imagined. She and her little sister Anna take the only path they can to find their family: join the swashbucklers who rule the high seas with gunpowder, blade, and cannon. But when Anna dies in a mission gone awry, Shelly is left all by herself. Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly gathers a crew and sets sail, looking for vengeance.

That's not perfect, but I'm sure you get my drift.

But sailing is never easy for a pirate, andThis sounds kind of cliche, and you don't need it. Words are at a premium in a query, so make sure every single one counts. Shelly shockingly finds outdiscovers that her once lost brother is nowhas become a navy officer, ergo making him her enemy. Furthermore, he is working for the very same man who is responsible for Shelly’s predicament. Huh? If you're going to introduce us to the antagonist in your query, you need to be more specific. Who is this man (you don't necessarily have to name him) and how is he responsible for Shelly's plight? Did he burn her house down? Why? Torn between her desire for revenge and her goal to reunite her loved ones, she learns that what she knew about her family was not entirely true, Vague. Be as specific as possible. and her own past is as mysterious as the girl who follows her around everywhere she goes. What girl? Either leave this out, or make it clearer. As her (mis)adventure takes her from one edge of the Caribbean Sea to the other, Shelly finds new friends while trying to stay alive, learns that families come in all shapes and sizes, and understands that hidden treasures are kept hidden for a number of reasons, one of which is so that the world remains safe. This doesn't end badly, but you should try to focus on a difficult choice Shelly must make to achieve her goals. I get the feeling she's going to have to choose between fighting her brother and his navy friends, or running.

Despite being a student of engineering, writing has always been my passion.You don't need this. THE UNTAMED ONE, is completed at 91,11290,000 words, is my first novel. You need to tell us what the genre is, and this is as good a spot for that as any. I also have my own blog, named “My Own Little Corner”. I'm undecided on this. Your blog is so new, I'm not sure whether an agent is going to take that as a good or bad sign. Let's see what my readers think.If you are interested, I would gladly send you either the first few chapters or the manuscript.The manuscript is available on request. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. Looking forward to hearing from you.

In summary, you've got the makings of what is obviously an awesome story here. Even through some of the issues with the query, I can tell there is an exciting and moving tale underneath. What you need to focus on is tightening this letter until you can get the three main points of every story across: Character, Conflict, Choice.

Introduce us to Shelly first, show us who she is, and give us a reason to care about her. Then sprinkle in the backstory, and show us the inciting incident (this can be the house burning down, her sister getting killed, or almost anything, it depends on the story).

After that, use your second paragraph to focus on the main conflict of your plot. It sounds like fencing with the navy, and her brother, is the meat of the story, so expand on that, and be specific about exactly what happens.

Finally, finish up with a tough choice Shelly has to make. Obviously, she doesn't want to kill her brother, but can she save him from the navy without risking her own life (or something like that, whatever it is)?

That's it!

I would also strongly suggest you read The Dust of 100 Dogs, by A.S. King. First, because it's awesome, but also because your story sounds somewhat similar.

What do you guys think? Anyone disagree with me? Surely one of you can write a better opening hook than I did. Please vote on whether you think Nabila should mention such a brand new blog in her query.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I'm almost positive none of you know Nabila, because she's new to blogging. She was sent my way by one of my very favorite bloggers, Angela Ackerman, from The Bookshelf Muse, the blog she runs with Rebecca Puglisi. I'm sure you're following Angela and Becca, but if you're not, you need to get on that. Their blog is one of the best online resources for writers, ever. Now, you're probably not following Nabila, but you should be. Her blog, My Own Little Corner, is great! And don't be scared off by the one post in (I think) Arabic, there are posts in English too.

So let's get to her query, remember, if you can, please save your feedback for tomorrow.

The letter:

Dear _____

After a fire burned down her home and her father and brother were lost to piracy, Anna and Shelly Manhar did the only thing they could: become pirates themselves, in order to find their family. But when Anna dies in a mission gone awry, Shelly is left all by herself. Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly gathers a crew and sets sail, looking for vengeance.

But sailing is never easy for a pirate, and Shelly shockingly finds out that her once lost brother is now a navy officer, ergo making him her enemy. Furthermore, he is working for the very same man who is responsible for Shelly’s predicament. Torn between her desire for revenge and her goal to reunite her loved ones, she learns that what she knew about her family was not entirely true, and her own past is as mysterious as the girl who follows her around everywhere she goes. As her (mis)adventure takes her from one edge of the Caribbean Sea to the other, Shelly finds new friends while trying to stay alive, learns that families come in all shapes and sizes, and understands that hidden treasures are kept hidden for a number of reasons, one of which is so that the world remains safe.

Despite being a student of engineering, writing has always been my passion. THE UNTAMED ONE, completed at 91,112 words, is my first novel. I also have my own blog, named “My Own Little Corner”. If you are interested, I would gladly send you either the first few chapters or the manuscript. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. Looking forward to hearing from you.

That's it.

Please thank Nabila for being brave enough to share, and then save your feedback for tomorrow, which will be awesome, because it's Friday!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Too often kindness is relegated to a random act performed only when we’re feeling good. But an even greater kindness (to ourselves and others) occurs when we reach out even when we aren't feeling entirely whole . It’s not easy, and no one is perfect. But we’ve decided it’s not impossible to brighten the world one smile, one kind word, one blog post at a time. To that end, a few of us writers have established The Kindness Project, starting with a series of inspirational posts.

So I've teamed up with some amazing bloggers, as I am wont to do. Whenever I get invited to these things, I think, do I really have time for one more thing? And sometimes I don't, but this time I do.

To me, kindness and compassion are part of who I am. If you follow this blog, and you know me, you know I jump at the chance to help others. Especially other writers. I've been given a lot of help in my life, and the only way I know how to pay it back is to pay it forward. But this idea, this Kindness Project is supposed to be more than just that.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do yet. I mean it's been a long time since I worked in a soup kitchen in downtown Atlanta as a teenager, and it's been a long time since I volunteered for an animal rescue service in Saint Paul, and I don't know that with a family, a full time job, and a desire to be an author, that I have a lot of time for things like that anymore, but I do have time for something. I just have to figure out what it's going to be.

For today (this was actually already scheduled, and just happened to fall into place nicely) I've written what I think is an awesome guest post for my friend Jessica Salyer. It's a summary on query letters, my journey through the trenches (still going on) and lists a ton of great resources for getting to know the art of the query better. If you know anyone planning on querying soon, or if you're just curious to know more about how I (supposedly) got good at them. Please visit Jessica's blog, and read my post.

So I'll be thinking about what I want to do, but for now, please visit all the other wonderful bloggers involved in The Kindness Project:

Monday, May 7, 2012

Happy Monday, everyone! Did you survive the A to Z April Challenge? As far as I'm concerned, even if you didn't post every letter on the exact correct day, as long as you put a post up for all 26 letters, I think you survived the challenge. So if you did, congrats!

This was my first year as a co-host, in fact it was my first year being involved at all, and I have to say that while it was a lot of work, I consider it a huge success. My posts were great, nice, short, and easy, but really what the challenge was mainly about for me was discovering new blogs. I met so many new bloggers, and for the first time expended my network outside of the book and writer blogosphere.

It was my first time working on something of such a large scale, and with so many awesome co-hosts. In particular, I want to thank Lee, for creating this challenge, and Alex, for administering the linky list, but I also want you to make sure you visit all the other co-hosts, and thank them as well:

For me personally, the challenge started out very strong. I was averaging almost 100 comments a day on my posts, and I was visiting around 150 blogs a day for the first week. Then things got really busy at work, and my ability to keep that up dropped off significantly. I still have not visited every single blog that signed up, but I'm slowly working my way through.

I don't really have any regrets or complaints, and I will be participating next year, because I had so much fun. I do wish I'd had time to visit more of the blogs involved, but I spent most of my time concentrating on the section of the list that had been assigned to me.

How about you? Did you take part in the A to Z Challenge? Did you feel like it was a success? Do you have any complaints, or regrets?

Friday, May 4, 2012

When ex-marine, I like this. More characterization than many queries I see, but I would like even one more personality related word. We know what Mia used to do, but we don't know who she is. Fearless could work, or maybe hardcore or something with even more unique voice. Mia Mitchell, steps into a dark alley looking for a fight, she finds one. I like this too, but I'm not sure whether you mean in general (as in every time), or if you mean specifically, this one time. The problem is she wakes up on a parallel world. That’s one mad left-hook. As everyone pointed out yesterday, this line is awesome. It absolutely zings with voice.

That final line makes this opening hook almost good enough to work as it is. The problem is, we've only got an incredibly vague sense of what actually happens. My assumption is: she steps into a dark alley (for some unknown reason, but probably just because she's tough), some aliens jump her, and then she - somehow - gets randomly transferred to another world. This is not the kind of confusion you want to leave an agent with after reading your opening hook.

Get specific. Tell us who she fights. Explain how this waking up on an alternate world works. You can't afford to be vague.

The fight leads to a job offer any sane person would refuse. What job offer? Be specific. So, she takes it. I LOVE this. Stuff like this may sell your writing by itself. She’s got nothing to lose. Turns out the other side of the rabbit-hole leads to a utopia where freedom doesn’t exist, I think you must mean dystopia. A utopia is supposed to be where everything is perfect. Unless you meant this tongue in cheek? and fighting for it means execution. Mia finds herself with an underground syndicate of men longing for freedom, but not all agree they need her to show them the way. How did she end up in this syndicate? I thought she was just given a job? I like the concept, and it clearly provides tension and high stakes, which are great, but because it's so vague, I can't figure out what actually happens, or how one thing connects to the next.

At first she helps (in order) to ensure her ticket home, but before long she's embroiled in a war unlike any she's known. This too is vague, and a bit cliche. I would refer to it as an uprising, or maybe a revolution. I get the impression it's the slaves against the establishment, not actually a war between nations of equal power. The fight for theirthe syndicate's independence becomes her own, and the last hope of salvation for her tortured soul and wounded heart. Cliche. Haunted by nightmares and post-traumatic stress, unsure who to trust or how to get home, she discovers the man who gave her the job isn’t being honest. It smells like a set up. If this is the case, I would introduce Eben sooner. Because the way it's working here, it starts to feel a bit synopsis-ish.

Eben, an ex-slave, is trying to understand freedom when all he’s known is oppression and cruelty.If' he's an ex-slave, we can infer what he's known in the past. He looks to Mia for more than redemption, but for a connection he’s never felt with anyone. The problem is Mia wants to leave(,) and if Eben can’t make her stay(,) then the power struggle within the syndicate canmay make their battle for freedom impossible. But worse than that is losing the only person who hasn’t treated him as a slave. This entire paragraph switches to Eben's POV. You don't want to do that in a query. It's fine to bring up the possible romantic angle, but you should try to do it from Mia's POV.

THE MALE AMENDMENT this title makes me giggle. For some reason it makes me think of male genitalia. Immature, I know, but it is what it is. is a 115,000 word speculative/romantic novel with series potential and duelling POVs. This is usually referred as alternating POVs, but I kind of like the way you put it here. Like the two narrators can never quite get along or agree or the solutions to their problems. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Stella Telleria

So, in summary: you've got some great things going on here. In particular, you have some moments of such wonderful, vibrant voice, I think you may garner some requests based on that alone. Definitely keep as much of that as you can. Additionally, it's clear to me you've got the makings of a truly unique story, and one that is full of potential for high stakes conflict.

The biggest problem with this query is lack of specificity. I don't understand how any of the science works, I don't have a clue about the society Mia suddenly finds herself in, and although I feel like I have a sense of the struggle the slaves must go through, I have almost no concept of who they're fighting against.

Other than getting much more specific, you just need a little better sense of Mia's character, and then you need to fix the final paragraph so that you still get that info across, but it's done from Mia's POV. There's nothing wrong with having multiple POVs in a novel, but in a query you want to focus on one character if you can (I'm sure this "rule" can be broken, but I've never seen it pulled off).

That's it.

What do you all think? Did you have any confusions I missed? Did something bother me that you were fine with? What else would you like to see in Stella's opening hook?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

I'm starting to get back into the swing of things, so let's get right to it. Do you all know Stella? No? Well then go visit her blog, and become a follower.

Back? Great.

Here's her query:

Dear Agent,

When ex-marine, Mia Mitchell, steps into a dark alley looking for a fight, she finds one. The problem is she wakes up on a parallel world. That’s one mad left-hook.

The fight leads to a job offer any sane person would refuse. So, she takes it. She’s got nothing to lose. Turns out the other side of the rabbit-hole leads to a utopia where freedom doesn’t exist, and fighting for it means execution. Mia finds herself with an underground syndicate of men longing for freedom, but not all agree they need her to show them the way.

At first she helps to ensure her ticket home, but before long she's embroiled in a war unlike any she's known. The fight for their independence becomes her own, and the last hope of salvation for her tortured soul and wounded heart. Haunted by nightmares and post-traumatic stress, unsure who to trust or how to get home, she discovers the man who gave her the job isn’t being honest. It smells like a set up.

Eben, an ex-slave, is trying to understand freedom when all he’s known is oppression and cruelty. He looks to Mia for more than redemption, but for a connection he’s never felt with anyone. The problem is Mia wants to leave and if Eben can’t make her stay then the power struggle within the syndicate can make their battle for freedom impossible. But worse than that is losing the only person who hasn’t treated him as a slave.

THE MALE AMENDMENT is a 115,000 word speculative/romantic novel with series potential and duelling POVs. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Stella Telleria

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, be sure you've visited Stella's blog, and thank her for sharing in the comments.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Morning query critique readers. I'm beat, but I'll try to get through this. Notice a new A to Z Challenge 2012 Survivor badge, by Jeremy, below my photo on the right. Feel free to nab it for your site, if you participated.

In case anyone is new here, Christine's query will be in plain text, and my feedback will be in red.

Here's the letter:

Dear Agent,

Faldur is a captain in the king’s rangers of Belhanor. It's much better to open with character like this, than what your letter did last time, but I'm not sure this is enough. I'd like to know more about what kind of person Faldur is. Just a word or two of backstory, and a word or two of personality would really help. He battles rebels, hunts killer lions left over from the last war, I'm not sure I understand what this means. Why would lions being still around have anything to do with the war? Unless Killer Lions is the name of some company of sellswords, I'm not sure I understand how the two could be connected. and keeps an eye on Marenya, the now-grown daughter of his deceased mentor. This is a bit vague. If he spends most of his time out hunting lions and rebels, he can't act as Marenya's full time bodyguard, so how exactly does he keep an eye on her? Try to be more specific. When Marenya’s is it necessary to use her proper name so many times? Is there a distinct reason you didn't refer to her as her in this sentence? cousin becomes engaged to the crown prince, he is assigned to escort the ladies to the capital for the wedding. Rebels attack them on the road and Marenya allows herself to be captured in her cousin’s place in order to allow an injured Faldur and the bride to escape. I like the way this opening paragraph ends. This was always your inciting incident, and it closes out your opening paragraph very well this way.

Faldur must leave Marenya behind in order to fulfill his duty, forcing him to realize his feelings for her aren’t as brotherly as he thought they were. By the time he is able to go back for her, she has been taken to a secret stronghold in the mountains by the leader of the rebel movement: the prince’s younger brother who is also Faldur’s long-lost friend. This is concise, raises the stakes, and hints at subplots of conflict, so I think it's pretty good.

Marenya believes her captor is under magical thrall to the king’s uncle, who is using him as a puppet to take over the throne. Faldur must decide whether to kill his former friend or help her try to free him, in order to save his country and the woman he loves. I mostly like this summary, but my one problem is with this choice at the end. It doesn't sound like that tough of a choice. I mean if he can free his friend, and save his girl and the country, why would he choose to kill him? I'm sure the reasons are clear in the novel, but you might want to clarify why that choice might be a viable option in your query.

In summary, this is much better than the last query we worked on together. Your description of the conflict in paragraph two is especially good, considering how much you cover in so few words.

My biggest concern is your opening hook. We don't really know who Faldur is, we don't get a sense of why we should care about his plight, and there are too many confusing things tossed in. I'd like to see a shorter, two sentence paragraph just about him, that packs a real punch, as your opening hook, before you even mention the stuff about Marenya.

Next, of less concern, is that this query is lacking all the wonderful voice you had in the last one. I know it's very difficult to include voice when I told you to leave off other character names and be more concise last time, but even a few world-specific words sprinkled in here and there might help.

Finally, as mentioned above, your choice at the end seems too simple. A tough choice has to have two viable options, neither easy, and neither clearly a better solution than the other. The way yours looks in this letter, I can't possibly conceive of Faldur choosing to kill Raynor.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

First - a few announcements. The A to Z Challenge banner has been removed. It's a little sad, because I'd gotten used to it, but the challenge is over, so it is what it is. The Challenge Reflection post badge is still up, so mark your calendars if you haven't already, and the navigation buttons will stay up for at least a month, because I'm still using them to try to make sure I visit every blog that signed up at least once.

In other news, I'm honored to have been invited to join the group blog YA Confidential, which is an exciting blog about YA Books, writing for young people, and everything in between. Please do visit, and make sure you're following us! Speaking of which, if you're new here, from the challenge, I also blog at Project Middle Grade Mayhem, which is another group blog, with a focus on Middle Grade books and readers, so please check and make sure you're following there as well!

Finally, I know a lot of people are taking some time off after the challenge, but I don't have that luxury. I've got several people waiting for query critiques, so I have to get right back to work. I will dearly miss those nice, easy, short posts, though.

So, here we have Christine Hardy's query, again. You may remember she had a query letter for this same project on the blog not long ago, but she asked me to critique her revision, so he we are. Visit the original post, to find links to Christine's blog.

Here we go:

Dear Agent,

Faldur is a captain in the king’s rangers of Belhanor. He battles rebels, hunts killer lions left over from the last war, and keeps an eye on Marenya, the now-grown daughter of his deceased mentor. When Marenya’s cousin becomes engaged to the crown prince, he is assigned to escort the ladies to the capital for the wedding. Rebels attack them on the road and Marenya allows herself to be captured in her cousin’s place in order to allow an injured Faldur and the bride to escape.

Faldur must leave Marenya behind in order to fulfill his duty, forcing him to realize his feelings for her aren’t as brotherly as he thought they were. By the time he is able to go back for her, she has been taken to a secret stronghold in the mountains by the leader of the rebel movement: the prince’s younger brother who is also Faldur’s long-lost friend.

Marenya believes her captor is under magical thrall to the king’s uncle, who is using him as a puppet to take over the throne. Faldur must decide whether to kill his former friend or help her try to free him, in order to save his country and the woman he loves.

The QQQE Massive.

Who Am I?

I'm the father of two beautiful young ladies, three lazy cats and one adorable German Shepherd. Together we live in the mountains of north Georgia amid my endless collection of vinyl records.
I run this blog in an attempt to help other novice writers avoid the mistakes I made in the beginning of my road to publication. Believe me, I made many.