S5 E21 Sleeper

04/30/14 | TV-PG | CC

STORY 1: Nobody Does It BetterPhil tracks down the record single for Carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better," which was the soundtrack to his first sexual experience. The nostalgia makes him feel like he's cheating on Claire, and soon he feels so much guilt that he begins to suffer from narcoleptic episodes. At least, that's the diagnosis from Alex, who happens to be writing a school paper for A.P. Bio on the sleep disorder.

Memorable Quotes:

Alex (on her A.P. Bio assignment): "Ugh, this sucks. My teacher gave me mononucleosis."Claire: "As a parent, I feel I should ask about this."Haley: "Calm down, it's not like she gets that many tugs on the line."Alex: "It's for A.P. Bio. We have to write a report on a disease and I got the worst one!"Phil : "Actually, it's pretty serious. Back in college, I caught mono from my roommate Ling. Served us right for fooling around. Never share a flute, kids."

Phil: "June 10th 1988: Carla Concannon and I spent the afternoon frolicking at the public pool. Later, at her house, things got private while a 45 of Carly Simon's 'Nobody Does It Better' played. It was my first time, her first time... with me."

Phil (on finding the soundtrack to his first sexual experience): "When I heard it was available, I just had to have it. It was a chance to relive those magical 3 minutes and 42 seconds, which was also the length of the song."

Phil (on missing the repairman because he was disposing of the Carly Simon single): "It's no big deal. It's not the first time I've been stood up by some guy."Claire: "Oh, listen to your words, Phil."

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STORY 2: Mitchell's MeltdownWhile Claire accuses Cam of being a snob for not giving Lily any of her kids' hand-me-downs, Mitchell finds himself feeling snubbed, too. No one seems to notice him, especially Jay, who's pre-occupied with entering Stella into a dog show, that Mitchell finally has a meltdown during the family photo shoot that Gloria has organized.

Memorable Quotes:

Mitchell (pretending to play a player piano): "I'm getting pretty good, huh?"Jay: "Yeah, but you were always good. I'm just glad you stuck with it."Mitchell: "Seriously?"Jay: "What?"Mitchell: "It's playing itself."Jay: "Well, I didn't know!"Mitchell: "You honestly thought that I just became a piano virtuoso, dad? You've known me my whole life. Have you ever seen me take a lesson?"Jay: "I thought maybe you were self-taught."Mitchell: "I'm sorry, you're right. Like when I taught myself to play the clarinet."Jay: "Exactly!"Mitchell: "I never played the clarinet!"Jay: "Drop it. Let's go get an ice cream."Mitchell: "What about my lactose intolerance?"Jay: "Oh, I'm not loving this game."

Cameron (on the family photo shoot): "Gloria wants us in jeans and a black T-shirt. Classic and casual. And then maybe afterwards we can change the scenery in a high school play."

Dog Show Organizer: "See you at five."Jay: "At five... I've got a family thing at five. These things tend to start on time?"Dog Show Organizer: "Of course! It's not a cat show."

Jay: "Cam, do me a favor -- call Mitchell and light a fire under him."Mitchell: "I'm right here, dad."Jay: "Oh, good ! I didn't see you come in."Mitchell: "You opened the door for me. You thanked me for bringing a bottle of Chardonnay."Jay: "That doesn't sound like me."