Murderous Oprah forgiven by public, self

Oprah Winfrey formally apologized today for her murderous shooting spree at a South Side Chicago nursing home that killed 14 seniors and sent 21 more to hospital.

“Caring for seniors can be tedious work for nurses and caregivers,” said the talk show idol, “but this does not excuse my behavior at St. Mark’s Home for The Aged on Tuesday. Opening fire on seniors with an automatic weapon while they played cards, shuffle board, or engaged in pointless morning naps was not the way to approach the issue, and for this I am truly sorry.”

The talk show legend described the massacre as “foolish” and “a serious oversight”, adding that the hardest part was the guilt she felt at her violent actions. “But I have found it in my heart to forgive myself,” she added.

Police have spent days compiling evidence from eyewitness accounts and security tapes of Oprah’s shooting rampage, which left a room full of dead seniors and a floor littered with spent cartridges and empty magazines from Oprah’s twin gold M16 assault rifles.

Homicide Detective Lieutenant Roland Lembick was sanguine about the case, noting that sometimes Oprah’s magazines enrich life, and sometimes they take life away.

Lembick pointed out that, while 1,700 rounds of ammunition had been blasted into the walls and ceiling, only a tiny minority of the media personality’s high-velocity bullets had penetrated human bodies. He suggested that the high miss rate was a “glorious assertion of Oprah’s fallibility and fundamental humanity.”

The police have been under pressure to lay charges, and today they did so, citing the nursing home for three occupancy code violations. Ironically, with the reduced number of seniors now in the home, the charges are no longer valid. Lembick described the outcome as “a win-win”.

Yesterday an unnamed US Justice Department lower official who had made headlines by suggesting Oprah herself be charged with “mass murder” was suspended without pay pending an investigation.

Justice Department Deputy Head Washoe Klemperer said that “different, higher standards” must be applied to Oprah’s case. “I am reminded of another all-knowing Being, who destroyed millions of lives in the Old Testament. We don’t call that murder. We call it mercy.”

Some media pundits had suggested that Oprah’s career might be tarnished by the admitted faux pas, but Oprah returned to her TV studio today through streets lined with cheering supporters, including the families of the slain.

Longtime fan Debbie Perez of Newforks Wisconsin was typical in her support, “I don’t care that she killed some people,” said the single mother of 3, “but I think it’s wonderful that she can admit her mistake and move on. She’s Oprah, so people should get off her case.”

Helena LeRoy of Detroit Michigan added, “Everyone makes mistakes. Oprah has forgiven herself, and we must forgive her too. I will always be in her debt for recommending we all read The Color Purple, which changed my life. And those old people would have been dead soon in any case.”

At today’s show taping, Oprah said little about the incident, concentrating on her topic of skin care with her guest Dr.Oz.

Oprah told the doctor that recently she had forgotten to exfoliate her skin because of “other things” on her mind.

After a nervous laugh, the audience applauded for her vulnerability and honesty, then rose for a standing ovation. Oprah wept real tears and told the excited audience that under their seats were coupons for two free KFC grilled chicken entrees.