The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1

Yay. The day has finally arrived for Nick Viall, Chris Harrisons adopted son, as he finally got his chance at becoming The Bachelor. After being rejected 600 times on live TV, Nick signed up for one more! Honestly this relationship is doomed from the start because theres so much pressure for this to succeed and he definitely cant go on another season of . I guess theres always , reality TVs dating show for leftovers.

This season opens up as Nick survives his first 4-way calling attack. Sean, Ben, and cutie Soules talk lots of shit about Nick to his face. Ben as usual brings his fashion A-game, shows up in a fancy Gap Tee.

Sean: Isnt it crazy how everyone thought you were such a serial killer loser and yet, here you are!Ben: I really didnt like you when you were on Andy and Kaitlins seasons and I guess I sort of like you now, but like not that much.Chris (high pitched): HEHEHEHEHE

While Nick and his speech coach practiced saying Hi Im Nick and Im the Bashhhlerrrwait let me try it again we were given the opportunity to hear the women talk about how serious they are about business owning while gazing at large bodies of water and/or duck fountains.

Obviously our favorite last night was Alexis, the aspiring dolphin. Ever since her audition was rejected fromyears ago, she took up dolphin impersonating and so she was a perfect pick to be on this seasons of .

She got so blackout and it was so funny because she was dressed as a shark. Yes it was a shark, and the fact that she knew it was a shark yet just really committed to her dolphin routine made her a thousand times better. I wanna be the first dolphin to get a rose.

Another good one was psycho Liz. Literally the definition of crazy eyes.

EARTH TO MATILDA, this isnt how one plays it cool. As Nick said to Chris ever-so-naturally, her being here sparks a lot of questions for me. Playing the long game is ok, but playing the give-glorious-BJ-to-Nick-at-wedding, dont-give-Nick-phone-number, but-follow-Nick-to–9-MONTHS-LATER GAME IS NOT. Side note: Lol to fuckboy tactic number one: Nick turning it around and asking Liz why she didnt call him after said glorious beej.

Chris H: So like, that last girl who got out of the limo, do you know her?Nick: Yeah I think I met her at Jade and Tanner’s weddingChris: No way, you know that girl!? …Sick acting bro.

Then Liz is like “I didnt want you to think I was here because youre the Bachelor.” What do you even meannnnnn. So youd rather him think you were here because you hooked up with him at the wedding knowing that you were going to be on r? Thats better!? Oh marrrrrrone.

Next fave was Corinne. Lives with family. Uses to help with her video montage. Brings Nick a bag of tokens like a fucking leprechaun. Still has a nanny to cut the crusts off her sandwiches. Describes herself as a very serious businesswoman but it looks like her dad just locks her in a room and lets her play with Excel on his computer.

Thats So Raven was another one that stood out. Fashion boutique owner in the style hub of America, Arkansas. Prides herself in her love of family, faith, football, and meth. Probs a better match for Chris Soules.

Danielle, another entrepreneur, looks like the perfect combination of Andy and Kaitlyn, which will get her at least to the fantasy suite for Nick to have a revenge fuck.

The mental health counselor shows signs of perfect mental health by signing up for . Decides to tell Nick that all her friends think hes a piece of shit.

I love all these girls offending him as a means of flirting.

Girl whose name I forgot: Your last name sucks just like mine!!!Nick: I never said I didnt like my last name, but thanks.

Sarah (wearing sneakers): “I thought you would appreciate another runner-up! Get it! Because you were dumped so many times, lol!!!!!

Nick to everyone: You look ::stares intensely at the girls boobs::.great

Speaking of looking great, we’ve released a brand new Bachelor inspired tee at Shop Betchesthat you’re going to NEED to wear at the rest of your viewing parties:

Okay sorry moving on.

Then there was that girl who brought Neil Lane as her escort. Neil Lane apparently bought double ad space on the show this year.

Then there was neonatal nurse girl Danielle M. who we know has to go a little far because of that super maternal music they played in her background. Honestly she seems a little too normal to be on this show. Whats her secret!?

Another good pickup line was I have balls, just like you! by the girl with the bull nose ring. If I was a betting woman, the girl to be forever known as girl with the balls wouldnt have gotten the rose but apparently she did so thats why Im not really good at betting.

Bitch in the yellow dress. Christen. When she got ready for tonight was her checklist like:

Get really bright dress!! Lace, bright, rhinestones, everything!

Make appointment for updo.

Buy hair dye and highlight from CVS. (dont forget coupon)

Oh almost forgot about miss perfect, Vanessa. The girl who speaks 3 languages, looks like Penelope Cruz, and is a special needs teacheryet SHE IS ON THIS SHOW. Clearly not that perfect and clearly cannot dress for shit. Yes Nick liked her black-and-white monstrosity but Nick was just looking at her boobs. Or as Astrid puts it ZEE BREASTZ!

At the end of the night Nick gave his first impression rose to Rachel, the Olivia Pope wannabe. She was really sweet, a civil defense litigator, and didnt quote Carrie Bradshaw. Shes also the girl who fucks her vacuum cleaner.

Normally wed talk about the 25-minute rose ceremony aka 25 minutes of back and forth between Kristina crying that shes probably not getting a rose to close-ups of her looking around during the ceremony looking like shes wondering who just farted. Surprise surprise she got the rose but most likely will not next week. THE END!

Were dolphinitely looking forward to the rest of this season. We hope it really is the most dramatic season of yet. Just remember on premiere day we wear red.

And dont forget to listen to our podcast this week were having Olivia Caridi the infamous super pretty ugly crier from Bens season tell us all the details about the show so dont forget to email us your questions: [email protected] and listen at betches.co/slapped.