Widder Curry’s Research on Internet Boy Toys

In my last article, I discussed my experience of getting back into the dating world. I ended by saying that I would do some more research, purely in the interest of helping other widows find lasting happiness in an otherwise lonely situation.

I only signed up with one dating service, initially. If you remember it was a site for seniors, yet my first date with my “boy toy” was with a man younger than my youngest daughter – 27 years younger than me. He was sexy, well toned, and either after my money (sic) or my bed. Maybe both. That relationship ended with him hanging up on me.

As a good researcher, I decided that I really needed to be signed up with more than one dating site, so I signed up with three more. I used the same profile; the same pictures, and the same physical description. I thought about reducing my age – but wanted to be honest. Why? Who knows?

Apparently because the services figured that I could not find suitable men for myself, all of them give me different “offerings” daily. Two send me three pics; one sends me 9. Sounds great, except they do not do any screening of what I want; where I live; my interests, etc. That’s not exactly true – there is a slight effort made to have our interest similar – “he likes the arts”; so do you. “He likes to cook”; so do you. “He likes to hike;” so do you. There is nothing there that says that I get horribly seasick on the “STAR OF INDIA” and do not like boating, cruising, sailing, etc.

There is a very sad trend that I am finding by those that are “flirting” (or “winking”) with me. The older man wants a younger woman – why should this bother me? I’m an “older woman” looking for a younger man? Because the 80 year old is looking for a 50 year old; the 70 year old is looking for a 50 year old; and the 50 year old is looking for a 35 year old. Some of the men responding to me are so very needy.

Let me quote from one of my “winks”:

“Hello. How are you doing? I hope you are doing good. I went through your profile and I really like it. You’re so beautiful that every man would want to hold hands with you. Distance is not a problem for me. I can relocate to anywhere my date is.”

He lives in Florida!

Here is another one:

“Hope your night was good. You shouldn’t worry about the distance, we can definitely overcome it. It’s not how far, it’s how well. Love and friendship is what I want with you. The greatest of lovers makes the best of friends so that you feel that things can’t get any worse think of me, for I can try my best to bring you all the happiness in the world. I want to grow to care for your love and trust you. I believe our path is meant to cross and don’t want to wake up because I don’t want to lose that us. I will be by your side whenever you need me and I hope I am and always will be in your heart and in your dreams forever.”

He lives in Michigan.

And one final one:

“ … I want you to know that I am a one woman man and it’s only you I am talking to. In this short while that we have been writing, I’ve keep thinking about you. I no longer need to hope for love by going to clubs. I don’t like the bar scene, supermarkets, church socials. I am really happy for your presence in my life now and you are on my mind every minute and you have already occupied my thoughts. I believe it’s a good reason for us coming together. If not, we won’t have crossed each others’ path. Day by day my feelings for you increases and it is good feelings which I like. Thinking of you gives me butterflies in my stomach. I appreciate you and I cherish you. Thanks for coming into my life.”

I wrote him once.

Please don’t think that I am making fun of any of these correspondents. That is not the case. I am terribly lonely since my husband died, almost 3 years ago. I have heard that there are some matches that take place on these sites that are very special, and some end in happiness beyond belief. I genuinely signed up because I wanted companionship in my waning years. I don’t think of myself as 72; rather I think of myself as in my forties. But I could no more select one of these men to even meet at the coffee shop than continue to correspond with them. And the men nearer my age are not interested in an “old” lady.

Why are they so needy? The pictures they posted were those of fairly good looking men. (Maybe the pictures are not of them?) Their worldly experiences sound satisfying and interesting. Their plans for the future are defined in glowing terms. (Dreams?) Most of them talk about their children or grandchildren; the widowers talk about the void now that their spouse is gone. And yet, once they get the female into a 1:1 situation, the smothering begins.

I have not had great success with these dating sites. I am contemplating dropping all three sites. But the next question arises: Where do I go to meet a stable, interesting male that is looking for companionship first and other things later? I think I will devote one more month to “research.” Maybe then I will have an answer.

Worked for me too…it just took us 10 years to realize the first match was the best, and then another 4 for me to get a ring on her finger. The interwebs was a very, very different place a decade and a half ago, however…

Okay San Diego – now is the time to help my mother with her research! Should I run an ad for her? “Bright, attactive 72 year young widow looking for companionship and someone who just wants to hold her and help her to feel important and loved in a special way. Liberal and not afraid to speak her mind (or more accurately, unwilling/unable to NOT speak her mind). Warm and loving. Heart is open. Mother to many, friend to many more. Dog lover. Long walks on the beach (with or without the dog), hand just the right size for holding. Will talk to you or listen to you – enjoys and appreciates both! Anyone interested in jumping in the sack or after $$$, please do not respond. Looking for someone “real” who will appreciate a real woman. Must give good hugs!”

So seriously, San Diego – where should a woman such as my mother go to meet a man? She’s not “old enough” to go to senior centers. The internet sites don’t seem to be working. If you say volunteer, where should she volunteer? Are the other volunteers there actually her age or the age that she would date or would date her? Are there clubs? Parks? Suggestions?

Who’da thought a 72 year old would be singing “Where The Boys Are” again! It isn’t just age because my single friends in their 50’s are in the same boat singing the same song. I gave it up when I realized I could fill my life with interesting people. Sometimes they know the perfect person.
I went to a dance class at a Continuing Ed site and one lady in that group got a honey. He was a volunteer at a museum when not dancing.
A friend asked me to go along when a man asked her to take a Spanish class with him. She ended up going home with him, and now I have these books I rarely use!
I took a class in creative writing–a few men. I took a computer class–mostly women. A classic movie class was better, but Dark!
Seniors go to dinner alone. Sometimes they are regulars at the same places. That’s a possibility. Ask a waiter if you see the same ones all the time…
Once upon a time, Master Gardeners classes attracted more men than women. Judi may be a garden club member already, but that’s a good place to go.
Of course there are some political action groups to get involved with. Standing on a street corner with a sign and a smile is fun.
I suspect many men get up in the morning and put on whatever they can reach on the floor. When they shave or trim and dress in clean shirts, that’s a man with pride in himself but he might be looking for another man, so…
Good luck.

Thanks Marlyn. I guess that age makes no difference. Loneliness is loneliness no matter what age you are. Kind of wondering what I might put on a sign standing on a street corner . . all sorts of fun suggestions.

One youngish man stood in the Balboa Park Prado with a big sign that read Free Hugs. I can see it now: a line of your readers waiting for their hugs. 8-)
Tell us where you’ll be, and I’ll come for a hug!

This is best read in a whisper: If you read the Revolt of Mamie Stover you might have the same vision I do: sailors standing in line in wartime Honolulu. Mamie was not looking for a releationship longer than 5 minutes. I confess to a wide range of reading interests.

Judi- I have been fascinated by your recent posts. Your candidness, courage and humor are wonderful!
A very dear friend of mine, who retired from the library over a decade ago and was widowed two years ago, is a volunteer at the Balboa Park information center one day a week. She loves the interaction with visitors, and has also come to enjoy the company and respite of the senior center in an adjacent building. This has not as yet resulted in dates, hot or otherwise, but who knows?

Maybe you should just walk the beach for exercise and conversate with people. Although I no longer live at the beach and have a solid ol’ lady maybe I could provide a profile with some truth in it. My name is Rick Ward. (Look it up).It only cost 50 bucks. I tried to do a back ground check on myself and bailed at $ 50. A.s far as interests and stuff goes, I’m into getting blasted and hanging out in low stress situations. Like the wall or the cliffs south of the pier. Getting smoked up with a 40 is right down my alley. My original alley is the one between Niagra and Narragansett. Last block. I got into some trash cans and got piss ants all over me. I was 4 and they were the little red and black ones that sting the shit out of you. My mom’s sister threw me in the shower to get them off of me.Mom was at one of the bars. Hat Box, Tony’s, or the Arizona. That was pre-hippy days. You get my drift. You just have to try to get around people and go for what you know,Girl! Try to get through the B.S. so you can school all us who will undoubtedly go through the same thing.

Oh Judi, Judi, Judi..where do I start?? I could write a book about all of it, and have been interviewed for a book another woman was writing on this subject.

I’ve been doing the online dating sites for more than 10 yrs now, and have not found one quality man on there….and yes, I am picky. Too picky? Well, I also have received msgs like you have above, so I have to be picky!

Are all men on these sites losers? I hope not, but most seem to be. I get out, believe me, I get out and I do talk to people. Most around OB know me, as I love to meet new people. I’m a bit younger than you, was married for 23 yrs, so I know how to be in a relationship, know how to communicate, can handle intimacy, and checked any baggage a long time ago!

I’m fairly attractive, have interests in many subjects, and can converse on most things in pop culture. I’ve had friends tell me that I am maybe too eclectic (hey, I do live in OB!) and complicated…but it’s who I am. I’m a working scientist, musician and actor, so yeah, a bit eclectic!

Yes, I’ve also heard the stories of people meeting the love of their lives on each and every site I’ve been on. The very few men I have met in person from these sites, turned out to either not look at all like their photos, want to just have sex, or just basically have not been honest with me. I’m a writer, so I do know how to write a good profile for myself, and have even had friends look at them and none of them have really told me to change a thing.

Sigh…so very frustrating. I do agree about the age thing. Out in my everyday life…I have 20 somethings hitting on me! I guess they want to have their “older woman experience.” Men my own age hardly ever ask me out….not sure why. And when they do…they seem like old fuddy duddies to me! I know it’s flattering to have younger guys show interest, but they too only want sex really. I’m not saying I’ve never gone out with men much younger, but I have never considered having a relationship with any of them. I’m at that point in my life where I do want much more than a casual fling. I’ve been single WAY too long. To the point that I’m starting to think it’s embarrassing!

The most incredible man I’ve met in my single years was in London. We tried that for almost a year, traveling back and forth. With neither one of us willing to move, it finally had to fizzle out. I met him through friends.

I never give up hope, and I hope you don’t either. Love what your daughter wrote!

Here’s the best advice I can give about online dating. Don’t message back and forth more than a few days. Talk on the phone at least once to see if you can both converse. Then if that goes well, meet in person for a short time…coffee, tea, something like that. Every time I do NOT follow those rules, I am disappointed. You can have wonderful communication through emails, talking on the phone, and not have an ounce of chemistry in person…believe me, been there, done that!

I am trying, Mercy, to find us a way out of this lonely, non-productive life. I have had so few “hits” of men in their 60’s but lots of hits from 80 year olds and 40 year olds. The number of men in states outside of California is astounding. What do they think we will do; hop a plane and go visit them? I like to think that the attributes you have are the same ones I have. After all, I was a professional educator talking to hundreds in an audience without them seeing my knees shake. Yet, I have yet to have a conversation with any of my respondents that have an intelligent thread running through it. Today I was sent a “match” wherein this man was married and his wife is in a wheelchair. He was looking for a lover. After I threw up I reported him to the site. But for you and me I will keep looking. If I find two of them I know how to share.

LOL….You are cracking me up Judi! Love people that know how to share. I really am constantly surprised by men online…although they keep doing the same things over, and over. Lying seems to be the norm. I also can’t stand when a man is wearing sunglasses and a hat in his pics, one of my pet peeves. We want to see your eyes, and we pretty much have guessed your hiding a bald head! Oh, and how about the men that contact me first, I respond, and then I never hear from them again? Unreal. I just saw an ad on TV that was for an over 50 dating site. Not sure that will be any better. Look….man smart, women smarter!

We should get together and come up with our own dating service! I really liked the idea of standing on a street corner holding up signs. I have giggled daily ever since I saw that idea. (True – the original suggestion was in promoting a political candidate, but can you see the “Burma Shave” signs?) “Give me a hug that I want so much, maybe then I’ll allow you to touch”…….

The first site that I signed up for was “Senior Meet People.” That’s where my first boytoy – 45 – came from! Your answer to me is right on!

hey judi, your looking for luv in all the wrong places! Isn’t that a song? or sumptin! I advise the young girls at church to keep turning over rocks and kissing frogs to find your prince charming. Church, senior centers, volunteering, keep exposed, friends some times can fix you up. Just like high school dating, gotsed to go with a lot of dingaling before the right bell ringer comes along. Old age makes us more choose. DAMN THE TORPEDOES, FULL SPEED AHEAD!

Ernie, if I kiss another frog I’m going to have warts all over my body! I’m too young to go to the senior centers; I tried volunteering but although nice people, their agenda was different than mine. My friend fixed me up with someone she knew and I swear I could have braided the nose hair and ear hair together to form Rapunzel’s rope.

Oy vey. Well, you’re keeping company with a whole lot of people, of both sexes, looking for the brass ring. That said, you’re a mighty intelligent, strong, vibrant woman, and it would be extraordinary to meet your match. Yes, many men out there are true losers.

But you might be interpreting some of those messages wrongly. I’ll bet that many of those respondents who seem needy are actually something else. A lot of men will say what they think the woman will respond to, what they think you want to hear. They doubt that just speaking plainly will gain your interest. Who they really are is still a mystery, but maybe not needy, more likely just not clear on what women want. (Turns out that one’s a simple question – strength: to care, to speak, to act, to listen, to feel.)

My best suggestion is to be explicit in your profile, that you’re not looking for a hero, or Mr. Sensitive, just a healthy guy who knows who he is. Can’t wait to hear how it all goes!

Well, it is hard to think that a man thinks that a woman wants to hear about “if we can’t have sex on the first date better keep your vibrator.” I can’t think of any other way to interpret that comment. I am pretty explicit in my profile. Guess no matter how old the man is he still thinks with his penis.

Disappointing to see that you continue to think one-dimensionally about men. Of course what I said applies to some men but not all. I’m sorry to hear that you and most other women are subjected to such baseness from cads. But your last sentence makes it plain that you have trouble with “some, but not all.” Maybe you’d have more luck if you didn’t bring such biases with you. Just a suggestion. Don’t know how it is that you object to women being stereotyped, but you have no problem stereotyping men. Takes away a little of the sparkle.

No doubt that guy has a hard head. But that wasn’t the kind of guy you were describing in the article, the needy ones who are yours forever though you haven’t even met. Nothing can be done about the walking dicks, but I was only suggesting you’ve read (some of) the needy ones wrong, that really they’re just baffled by women – a common ailment – and are serving up what they think will be effective lovesong.

I know you’re a direct woman and I don’t doubt you’re being explicit in the profile. I was suggesting a specific message, “that you’re not looking for a hero, or Mr. Sensitive, just a healthy guy who knows who he is.” The particular reason I was being pointedly critical was because the words you used cast all men as jerks, and that’s unacceptable. I know it can seem that most men out there are toads, but that’s probably because the majority of the good ones are quietly at home with their adored partners. So you’re left with the daunting task of finding the free radical.

In the end, real relationships are damned elusive. You’ve been out of the hunt for a long while. Try to have a sense of humor about it. Jia you (jah-yo): you can do it!

Ms. Mercy, had the same thought about you, very seriously, but… I live in Beijing! I’m an old friend of the Widder. Impressed with your comments and quite enamored of your pic. Take care of your cute self, and thanks for the shot of interest. Best of luck in this “rat” race!

I see a recurring theme mentioned here, by more than the author, shunning men who “want to have sex/jump in the sack”.
Judi does seem aware of the situation with this comment:

” Guess no matter how old the man is he still thinks with his penis.”

Women don’t seem to mind that when we’re both younger. It IS the reality of the situation you know, while of course the older we get we will temper it with some wisdom, but consider it’s the reason we put up with our differences when we’re younger.

Anyway about those three letters, particularly the last one…. you said you wrote him once and that was his response? Maybe it’s just me but it MIGHT be a scam…. naw…..

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