We had a dude in basic training named Spikuza. This guy was DUMB. He drooled and his nose was always running, so he had snot on his face. He had a really square head and stuttered like I have never heard before. Friggin day TWO of basic training, this dude shows up to formation with his boots on the wrong feet!! The CO was astounded that he hadn’t noticed his error. From that point on he was called ‘Skooz’ by the Drill Sergeant and whenever they yelled “SKOOOOOOOOOZZZZ!!!!” he had to say “I’m a pimp, I walk with a limp, I wear my shoes on the wrong feet.” The way he stuttered, snorted and drooled his way through that sentence made it hilarious for the entire 9 weeks we were there.

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

I had a private get out of his bunk in the middle of the night and pee all over his battle buddy while sleepwalking. Needless to say it was hilarious.

“The Port-a-John talked back…”

I had to apologize to a Port-a-John for being rude to a female civilian in Afghanistan. The Port-a-John talked back…

“I’m not stupid, you’re stupid!”

We had a guy who was not too bright. He screwed something up when we were at the range, so my drill instructor made him face the mirror. The drill instructor then told him to yell things at the mirror and point, “You’re stupid!” “I’m not stupid, You’re stupid” “NO! I’M NOT STUPID, YOU’RE STUPID!” Each time, it escalated. I still believe that the kid at some point really was arguing with himself.

R&B singing.

Army basic training in 2004. There was a private who got caught singing in the chow line. Our drill sergeant then made him nod his head and say “Slow motion for me, slow motion for me” from the old Juvenile track and snap his fingers. He was then referred to as “R&B” by all the drill sergeants. I wouldn’t be in a position that I could see him, and I’d hear a drill sergeant yell “R&B! Hit it for me!” and he’d start singing and bobbing his head and snapping.

Saluting squirrels.

When I was at Naval Air Station Pensacola in Florida in 2003, we had to stand watch on the veranda at the Naval Air Crew Candidate School. Across from us was the Officer Candidate School, these guys get messed up by their drill instructors on a daily basis. One day while in formation their drill instructor was at one end screaming at an OCS candidate and he noticed one of the candidates in the back was watching a couple of squirrels running around on the lawn. After a few expletives and a knife hand pointing at the future leader of the Navy, the OCS Candidate was tasked to salute every squirell he saw until he graduated.

“Bye, bye. Have a nice flight!”

In Air Force basic training we were marching out to physical training, and one individual was constantly getting caught for staring at the planes flying over the physical training area, on their normal flight path. Our training instructor got fed up with constantly telling him to look forward and not to look at the planes, so for the rest of that day he had to stand on the edge of the physical training area and for every plane that flew overhead, he had to wave goodbye and yell, “Bye, bye. Have a safe flight!”

You’d better grab a fruit.

In basic, we had to get a piece of fruit with every meal, and eat it first. One day one of the privates was caught not grabbing his fruit. When the drill sergeant caught him, he made him stand there for the rest of chow (about 45 mins) screaming the whole time in the front leaning rest position, “Don’t forget to grab a fruit, it’s both nutritious and delicious.”

Mr. Toilet got soiled.

I was in Air Force basic. We had one toilet that everyone used and the others were kept pristine. One guy couldn’t hold it and used one of the forbidden ones. For the rest of the day, he had to apologize, saying, “I’m sorry Mr. Toilet, I’ll never soil you again.” It was pretty hard not to laugh.

Stupid hat.

Air Force Basic Training — apparently, one of the Trainees walked out without his cover, and proceeded to get lit up. His punishment was that for about an hour, he had to walk around kicking his hat back and forth, yelling “I HATE YOU, HAT … IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT… WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

Brian Adam Jones is co-founder and editor-at-large of Task & Purpose. He is a veteran of the United States Marine Corps and of the war in Afghanistan. The opinions stated in his work are his alone.