This movie has everything that is best in life.

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Jing Tian as Commander Lin Mae, wearing her amazing armor, is about to use her extraordinary spear-throwing powers to save the day.

Universal/China Film Company

Matt Damon as William, the western mercenary who learns that there's more to life than money. There's also throwing yourself off a burning wall into a pile of angry lizards.

Universal/China Film Company

The Nameless Order has been protecting China from the lizard incursion at the Great Wall for centuries. Also, they have really gorgeous armor.

Universal/China Film Company

The Nameless Order has a fighting style that makes for great spectacle. I could watch them for hours.

Universal/China Film Company

Watch out for Taotie! I guess they came from space, sort of, but now they are a gigantic swarm of biting faces and weirdly positioned eyeballs who communicate using some kind of wifi network that miraculously travels for kilometers through solid walls.

Universal/China Film Company

I'm going to lay some truth on you right now. You're not going to have a lot of chances in your life to see movies about herds of giant psychic lizards attacking a massive, acrobatic army occupying the Great Wall of China. Which is why you should get your ass to theaters and watch The Great Wall.

The Great Wall is a joint production between American and Chinese companies and feels like the perfect cross-national hybrid of two countries obsessed with monsters and blowing stuff up. Directed by Yimou Zhang (Raise the Red Lantern, Hero) and co-written by Max Brooks (World War Z), The Great Wall stars Matt Damon as a European mercenary named William and Tian Jing as Lin Mae, the commander of the Nameless Order. Lin Mae and her acrobatic army have pledged their lives to hold the Great Wall and defend southeastern China against the Taotie, a species of mega-lizards with skulls for faces and eyeballs in their shoulders.

Where do the Taotie come from? How did Lin Mae and her troops become such astonishing soldiers? What dynasty is in power? How did William and his sidekick Pero (Game of Thrones' Pedro Pascal) make it all the way to eastern China? Seriously, if you are asking these questions just get out of the theater. Get out of my review! Why are your eyes still here?

The point of The Great Wall is the glorious, gorgeous, sumptuous scenes of otherworldly battle. Director Zhang is known for his visuals, and he manages to bring mesmerizing gravitas to the kind of army vs. monsters battles I once waged with plastic toys on my bedspread as a kid. Each unit of Lin Mae's army has its own dazzling color of armor and looks like something out of Akira Kurosawa's Ran. They swoop off the wall, spear the Taotie, and leap away again. They whirl in formation, unleash burning arrows, clever bombs, and other explodey weapons.

To the extent that The Great Wall has a subplot, those weapons are at the center of it. We discover that William and Pero have journeyed from Spain to eastern China in search of gunpowder, a technology that far outstrips anything in the savage West. But the longer William stays with the Nameless Order, helping them fight the Taotie with his amazing bow-and-arrow skills, the more civilized he becomes. Instead of fighting just for money, the way Western warriors do, he decides to fight for something more.

In The Great Wall, Chinese society is clearly the pinnacle of enlightenment and badassery. Lin Mae and her soldiers have the best technology, the best military strategies, and the loftiest goals. Filled with admiration for their way of life, William slowly comes around to the idea that giving your life for a cause (even if that cause is "kill the lizard queen!") is better than being a mercenary who steals gunpowder.

Along the way, expect fun quippery and intense lizard action. Though I would have preferred a greater range of monster types, and especially some giant monsters, the Taotie are damn cool. The final showdown, with swarms of the beasts scaling walls and gobbling up everything in their path, is undeniably epic. Plus, the real standout spectacle here is the Nameless Order, using every kind of tactic to defeat the chompy hordes.

If you like range weapons, galloping monster swarms, fantastical militaries, and breathtaking Chinese scenery, The Great Wall will please you immensely. Plus, it's a great moment in the history of cross-cultural monster appreciation. Sure, the West is behind when it comes to monster-fighting technology, but we'll learn. One day.