Britney Spears, time for retirement

You know how I do my celebrity round-up on Fridays bright and early so y’all can read them while I’m wasting away in web policy meetings every Friday morning? Well, that was going to happen this past Friday, too, but apparently my computer lost the blog I wrote Thursday night. I don’t know how it happened, but I do know y’all missed some great news stories, a comparison between me and the Kardashian sisters, and an interesting article about how Morgan Freeman is getting it on with his 30 year old step-daughter.

That last one was just too good for me to keep to myself. Is your skin crawling now? You’re welcome. Happy Monday.

Now let’s talk about an artist who has always been near and dear to my heart: Britney Spears.

Back in the day, I was a big boyband fan. I mean, still to this day, I will stop the radio surfing when NSYNC is on. Like peanut butter and chocolate, Summer and flip flops and Lindsey Lohan and violating probation, boybands and female pop singers just naturally went together.

So, yeah, I grooved to some Britney Spears when I was younger.

We all know what happened in the years following her break-up with Justin Timberlake, which, let’s be honest, was the beginning of the end for her. She put out an sexy, “grown-up” album, married(and then annulled the marriage) that one dude from Louisiana in Vegas by accident, married Kevin Federline, had two babies, probably started using some kind of drugs, developed an increasingly inflated and unjustified sense of entitlement, went to rehab, left rehab, shaved her head, hit that one papparazzi with an umbrella, went back to rehab, left rehab, went to another rehab, had a nervous breakdown, then finally, after her Dad became conservator of her money, sort of settled down and got her stuff together.

The perfect ending to this story would be, “Girl moves back home to Louisiana, buys a nice house for she and her sons and leads a quiet, happy life living off the residuals from her songs. The End.”

Instead, we have this:

As if there weren’t enough Britney Spears songs in our collective memory, she adds this one.

In the words of my BFF and ardent Britney supporter through thick and thin, the doe eyed stare at the camera worked at 16, but when you’re pushing 30, it’s just pathetic. Ignoring the weird outfit, bizarre skippy-sounding chorus, and the fact that she’s done the “papparazzi wont’ leave me alone!” video before, this video is just a sad reminder of what Britney Spears used to be.

Britney is like Elvis. Washed up, probably hopped up on drugs, slower and sweatier than the artist of his/her youth, but still trucking. Every new video or tour just proves how far she’s fallen, and you just look at her with pity in your heart and say, “aww. Bless your heart.”

Second, I remember busting a move on the dancefloor to Toxic with my BFF Candace during a spring break trip to Vegas in grad school. We really showed those Midwestern college boys how it was done. (At least that’s how it is in my memory.) (Circa 2004)

Third, I remember following her crazy antics all day on Perez Hilton while I was working at the ad agency. I watched with a sick fascination as she slowly lost her mind. I know this is insensitive, but it was my favorite celebrity meltdown of all time.

I think it’s super clear that it’s about that time, Britney. It’s time to hang up your extensions and retire. Maybe in a few years, you can back some fitness equipment or diet plan. Or maybe be on Dancing With the Stars! But for now, please stop assaulting our eyes and ears with this crap. After all, research says that nobody remembers you as a singer, anyway.

59 comments to Britney Spears, time for retirement

I remember being at spring break 99 at Myrtle Beach and seeing the video for Baby One More time and thinking “what is that? is that for real”. And I definitely will always remember the umbrella incident. I also now have that song Lucky stuck in my head. Thank you.

Oh, oh – I remember that one time when she got caught getting out of a car in a VERY short skirt and NO panties. And why I remember that is completely beyond me. Please don’t think I’m a creeper! Rachel Gray recently posted..Our Trip to Tennessee

I remember the Rolling Stone magazine cover & article and knowing without a doubt it would end badly. I was so disgusted by the pedophilia-inspired pictures that I wanted to slap her parents for allowing it to happen. They can thank themselves for the hot mess(es) they raised.Dana K recently posted..feather hair extensions – worth the price?

Seriously, I am going to havee to google the umbrella incident. I remember the head-shaving more than anything. And I watched the video. And as if it weren’t bad enough, my husband was just doing the dishes while doing some weird, 80′s-inspired dance. I’m scarred. And scared.Andrea recently posted..The Origin of Bedsheets?

What kills me with this is the people who are taking advantage of her. She is not mentally ok and her dad still has a conservatorship over her, why is he continuing to exploit poor Britney? She needs serious help – you can see it in her glazed over expressions

I loved Britney when I was in high school and will never forget that Slave 4 U video and her MTV music awards performance!Jessica @ Domesticated-Bliss recently posted..Reunion/I’m Getting Old

I believe you left out the part where she showed the world she doesn’t wear underwear. But I can’t remember if that came before or after the head shaving. Also…Shania Twain does that doe-eyed look at the camera and she has to be at least 35 and somehow it still works for her. But Shania doesn’t pounce around in her bra either. So maybe it’s one or the other. Also I’m torn on Morgan Freeman. Do I want to Google it? If it is true, I will be heartbroken and never able to watch Shawshank Redemption again.Allyson recently posted..He’s Got Kind Eyes

Oh it’s totally true, so if you want to spare yourself, don’t Google it. There are pics and e’rything. I mean, of them just chilling together at awards ceremonies, not of them…you know…nevermind. *crawly skin*

You’re so right, I did forget all about the underwear or lack of underwear situation. She was the one who started it…she was the first to forget her panties!!

And Shania? She’s 45 at least…she has to be..she’s been around forever. I think you’re right..it’s bra or doe eyed look. Take your pic.

I can’t remember if you watch SYTYCD, but Jose from last season is dancing for her. Jose was not very good, even in his own genre. Dominic schooled him regularly. We tried to figure out how a mediocre could be dancing with Brit Brit. Then it occurred to me, duh, she needs meh dancers so she can look better! A definite case of sad but true.Hutch recently posted..Monday Minute – 6/27/11

Holy crap. That video is beyond horrible. And the ending, hello Thriller rip-off. At least she was more animated in this than she was during her Billboard music awards performance with Rhianna to S&M. Her meds must have been pretty high that day. She barely moved at all. Maybe they lowered them for her video. She really does need to retire or be put out of her misery. The whole pouty singing thing really irks me too! You are too old to be doing that! But that goes along with the doe-eyed thing too.Jayme (Random Blogette) recently posted..5 Reasons Why Working Out Is Awesome

I’m sorry – I got to the Morgan Freeman part and my brain shut down because I refuse to process the merest notion that the man who once played the President of our great nation is messing with his stepdaughter. I just couldn’t go on.

However, I’m sure that this was a great post, because that’s how you roll.

Here we go again, some middle aged, old maid haters of Britney.29 and still has it! Prime time of Britney Spears. Just because your daisy dukes lived a very short life and now that they are back you can’t fit into them. Just because you can’t skip around to cool sounds anymore, and even if you could wear short skirts without pannies, you probably never got anyone to peek anyway. Britney is here and will make several albums to come. Love me Hate me say what you want about me, all of the girls and all of the boys want to If You Seek AMY! Bitches

Oh Kevin, you’re the kind of stalker every star dreams of. Its nice to see that you take some time out of your daily ritual of bathing in water partially drank by Britney you bought on e-bay to grace us with your enlightening speech. I can tell you work hard keeping your body in peak condition so they won’t ban you from the gay clubs or have to lie anymore than the minimum on your online dating profile. You don’t have to try to make the poor blogger feel bad about her bakasana because I’ve seen her and her bakasana lookin’ good.

OK, speaking as a decidedly NON-Britney fan, I guess I have a different take on that video – it’s the first thing she’s ever done that I actually found entertaining. I think she’s showing her sense of humor and totally making fun of herself, especially with the scene in the car. And I can dig anyone with a self-deprecating sense of humor. Plus, she makes some fun references to pop culture hits like Terminator and Thriller. Plus, she looks hawt. And hawt Britney is a lot better than bloated, pimple-faced Britney with a bad weave.

So, that’s just my [surprisingly] Devil’s Advocate perspective. And it’s not just ‘cuz I want to be able to wear short skirts without panties, KEVIN (as in Federline?).Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..The Ubiquitous Lambie

You take me back, girl! You forgot the Madonna kiss that was supposed to get her BACK.ON.TOP. That was pre-head shave, right? I would like a timeline of Britney debacles, please. It’s my birthday month StephanieinSuburbia recently posted..The Drive of Shame

I remember putting on “concerts” for my mom and friends’ moms with my BFFs Laura and Stephanie (we even wore pleather pants once–shhhh don’t tell). Typically Britney was at the top of the charts for us, along with Destiny’s Child, BSB, N*SYNC, and LFO.

I have to say, I’ve never been a fan of hers…and likely never will be. The graph was fantastic, but I couldn’t appreciate the whole effect of the video because I could only make it through about a minute and a half! And before anybody labels me heartless, not being a fan doesn’t mean I didn’t feel bad for her when people kept messing with her and her mental instability. I think she could use some time out of the spotlight…Lisa recently posted..Fill in the blank Friday

This is cray cray! This is the 1st time I am seeing this video, and I have to say that “it’s Friday” might have been a little better of a song than this.Irina recently posted..Guest Posting at The Good Life!

[...] Wyoming, while snowboarding.Ok, is it just me, or is Jessica Biel sort of boringly perfect? Give me Britney Spears and her cray cray any day of the week.Who needs a 2012 slate wipe? Nick Cannon, otherwise known as Mr. Mariah Carey, [...]

Leave her alone. You do not seem very well educated. She has worked all her life and deserves a break. She has been used by Kevin. (the big dope) Yes she should retire temporatily, rest and come back bigger than life. She deserves a break. Idiot find another job because you sure are stupid. Probably can't get another job.