We’ve all heard this statement. Some of us may have even used it. It’s one of those all-purpose statements that people may use when they don’t know what to say or do. It could be at a funeral. It could be when someone has reached their breaking point emotionally, mentally or physically. It could be said to newly-diagnosed cancer patients or patients already going through treatments.

The person hearing the words may believe they are hollow and meaningless. The person saying the words may actually want to help and be asking for direction. Without an answer neither party wins. The person who needs help doesn’t get it. The person who wants to help continues to feel helpless because they don’t know what to do.

To improve the situation, we, as the person who may hear the words, need to decide how to respond to the words before we actually hear them.

Why don’t we answer?Before we can respond, we have to figure out why we may not want to answer. In fact, in most cases, we promise to let the other person know what they can do to help and then never contact them. Why do we make these false promises? Why don’t we tell people what they can do to help?

The question can take us off guard, so we don’t have an answer right away and it feels awkward to contact someone later.

We don’t want to ask for help. We may feel like asking for help is a sign of weakness.

We may be afraid that we’re bothering other people.

We may want our lives to be as normal as possible so asking for any kind of help would be an admission that there is something wrong.

We think we’re Wonder Woman or Super Man and can do everything no matter what.

We minimize our physical and emotional pain and fatigue. We use the word ‘just’ to say things like, “I’m just tired.”

We believe it will take longer to explain what we want than if we just do it ourselves.

We feel like we don’t have the time and energy to figure it what to ask people to do.

What can we do to make sure we know what to say?We can make a list of everything that we worry about getting done. This should not be time consuming because it is uppermost in our minds. In fact, here are a few examples of items that could be on our ‘Ask- for-Help List’:

Get rides to appointments

Listen and take notes at your appointments

Pick up your children at school

Take your children to their extracurricular activities

Prepare meals

Clean your house

Shovel the snow/water your plants and garden

Get groceries

Run errands

Help take care of your pet(s)

Once we have a list, we have to do two things: decide who might be the best person to ask to do each of the tasks and the dates when we want the tasks completed. For example, we could say, “I have chemo on Friday and my worst day seems to be the following Monday. Would you consider helping me by making your great chicken casserole on August 13th?”

The above example includes a reason for needing help on a certain day. For someone who may struggle to ask for help, providing a reason may actually be a way to make ‘you’ feel better about reaching out.

By providing a date when you could use someone’s help, you reduce the possibility that multiple people will provide you with the same kind of help on the same day. If you don’t tell people what they can do to help, many people will chose to bake for you. Who doesn’t need to eat? The problem is that if you know a lot of people who like to bake, you could end up with too much of a good thing.

Saying what you would like gives you the opportunity to compliment the person on one or more dishes that they make that you and your family love. By specifying what dishes you like, you ensure that the time someone spends on making a meal is not wasted. There is nothing worse than someone making food to help you and then have no one want to eat it. Someone made me a casserole when I was going through cancer treatments and no one else would eat it. I ate the same food for days so that I didn’t waste it. Luckily I really liked it; however, after eating it for four or five days straight, I was no longer feeling the love.

If someone can’t make food for a particular date, maybe they would be willing to make something you can freeze and pull out when you need it. Give them the option.

In the end, you know the people you’re asking for help so you know the best approach to use. Do what feels comfortable for you.

Why should we answer?We’ve all been in a situation where we’ve wanted to make matters better but did nothing because we were afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing and making the situation worse. By giving an answer to someone’s question about what they can do to help, we allow the other person to feel useful instead of helpless. We remove any doubt about whether what they are doing is something we actually want and need. Giving them something to do will let them feel a sense of accomplishment.

We can feel a sense of accomplishment too, because by asking for help we remove one of your worries, even for a day, which allows us to take care of not only us, but also our families.

Be prepared. Having an answer ready means we can sort out the details in person. It also removes the opportunity for us to talk ourselves out of asking for help. The longer we wait to provide an answer, the greater the likelihood that we’ll break our promise to get back to someone and, ironically, it will be us who has made the hollow and meaningless statement. We have the power to make this a win-win situation by providing an answer.

This was a really well-thought out solution to a common problem; thanks for the nudge in the right direction!

Reply

Ann

7/21/2018 06:19:18 pm

This topic has been covered a few times by various people, some successfully - some, not so much. Thank you for covering it well, and for making it easy to understand what needs to be done when in this common situation.

Reply

Elspeth - Elsie13

7/24/2018 05:44:33 pm

A lot of great ideas here, Debbie. Me, though, I'm one of those people, if I had a cleaning lady, I would have to tidy up before she came. If I asked for casseroles, or groceries, well, I would have to invite the person in? So I would have to tidy up. Also, my husband would feel insulted. Why , he'd think I didn't like his cooking?
After my surgery, I ate only small meals. There were these soup cartons, like carrot squash or something, ready to eat, but he diluted them half half with water.

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Over 30-years of writing experience, over five years as a cancer survivor, and a lifetime purveyor of wit and laughter.

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