Send me email updates about messages I've received on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.
By signing up, you certify that you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
Privacy Policy.

stepson disregards my feelings

I have been with my bf for almost two years. I have a daughter who is 11y.o. and a newborn with my bf. He has a son who is 11 y.o. and has major authority issues. We have recently found out that he was lying about his mother not spending time with him when he went over to her house on the weekends. He stated that because she was neglecting him that he was acting out. He acts out by yelling at me, not listening to me when I ask him to do things & has shown totally disregards my feelings. Well this past weekend his bio mother text my bf and stated that her son said he did not have to respect me because I was not his mother. Wtf? I treat him the same way I treat my bio children. Being a product of a split home and having step parents I try to make sense of his behavior towards me but can't. I never spoke to my stepmom/dad the way he speaks to me. This behavior seems to be getting worse with each incident and I'm so tired of him. I love my bf but I don't know if I can continue this relationship. Any advice ?

What does your bf say/do when his son is disrespecful... to anyone, not just you? His son behaves the way he's ALLOWED to behave. My own 11yo wouldn't be kind and generous if it wasn't expected of him... all the time, NOT just to SM. He was taught, from birth, that this is how you treat PEOPLE, not just SM, but all PEOPLE. You don't let people walk all over you but you don't walk all over them either. Apparently your bf hasn't taught his son how to behave and what behavior he expects from his son at all times, or more specifically when he's around you.

What did bf say or do when BM texted him with her statement? His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

My guess is, you didn't speak to your SM or SF the way this boy is because YOUR parents didn't allow it. This boy hasn't been brought up the same way so you can't expect the same behavior you had at his age. It's also possible you were rude to them but don't remember being so because, well, you were 11.

I have an 11 yr old ss and he can have attitude at times and disrespectful. The second he is, my dh takes him aside and tells him he better cut it out. He's also lied. I certainly don't take it personal. Even if it is, oh well. He needs to get over it. How often is he with you? Why isn't your bf disciplining him or not allowing disrespect towards you?

Thank you ladies for your support! My bf has literally taken everything away from him. Down to him only having his bed & dresser on his room. Even after everything being taken away, not allowed to play & not allowed to participate in fun things he still choose s to not follow directions. But sometimes I think my bf doesn't talk to him enough as far as what is expected. I'm just sooo stressed out. I've spoken to both sets of parents to see what they did when or if I behaved this way as a child and both sets of parents tell me that was never an issue. So I'm stuck!!! My stepson lives with us so this is a daily issue.

The bf didn't say anything. He didn't know what to do but apologize. He told his son no matter what he has to respect me cause I'm the adult. As far as him not listening... He does not listen to anything. I tell him not to do something and he still does it. And yes he does not listen to me. His BM said she had the same issues with him when he was living with her. He also knowingly lied to both his parents so he could stay out of trouble thinking that his parents would not speak. So he manipulated the situation making his mom look bad when home with us & making us look bad when he visits his mother

Is he given the tools to succeed? Has BF given him the words, and tone of voice expected of him or has he simply told him to respect you without telling him (over and over again) just what that entails?

There is also a difference between using consistency and using the wrong punishments. When things are taken away does BF know what prompted the rudeness? (Often it has nothing to do with the outburst but it's a way to get attention where the child's needs it). Does the punishment fit the crime? Does the punishment make sense to the child and will it remind him not to repeat his mistakes? If not then the punishmenst are useless. (Imagine if the child ate a snack after you told him not to because dinner was nearly ready, so BF takes his phone away. The punishment doesn't fit what he did wrong. BF needs to find the punishment that reflects him eating when he was told not to and not listening. Make sense?)

A punishment for not listening could be that he must repeat what he's told, to the adult who said it, for, say, a week. It may get old for the adults but it may make him think if he must do it with you AND BF. Just a thought.

Thanks bunches! Yes it makes total sense. We have tried everything. From working out, taking PlayStation away, taking fun time away...you name it we have done it or tried. I honestly think his dad needs to step up because I have become the disciplinary person. Ugh! Just hate having to be on him about everything he does wrong.

Send me email updates about messages I've received on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.
By signing up, you certify that you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
Privacy Policy.