I posted a few other shorts I've written before which some of you guys enjoyed reading. After reading a thread from our friend WtfP today about a possible evil girlfriend it reminded me of this one that I wrote some time back. (based on a true story. I kid you not) So take a minute and enjoy something from my twisted brain.
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Some idiot turned the corner of the isle too fast and ran directly into the front of Linda's shopping chart before she had a chance to maneuver out of the way. Linda's was about to say: watch where you're going bitch!, but before the words hit her lips, the baby in the infant carrier started screaming his head off.

"God dammit," she cursed under her breath, and then to the baby, "shhh, go back to sleep."

"Linda? Linda is that you? Oh my god! It is you! How have you been!"

Shit, Linda thought,I don't have time for this. She tried her best to hide the look of contempt in her eyes before she looked up at the lady who ran into her. The fake smile she plastered on almost vanished the second she locked eyes with the other women. Standing there with a fat face, stupid grin, thick glasses and acne was a girl she had gone to high school with and was forced to sit next to in several of her classes. Shelly Scuemaker. With a name like Shelly Scuemaker it was not hard at all for the other girls in their school to come up with some interesting nicknames they could call her behind her back. The problem for Linda was that just by being the one assigned to the sit next to Scum-Sucker, (her personal favorite nickname) her own social status had suffered, and that was reason enough for her to hate the girl's guts.

"Oh... Hello Sc--, Shelly."

"Wow, I haven't seen you in like forever!" She said excitedly. She either did not pick up on almost being called Scum-Sucker or chose to ignore it.

"Yeah. Long Time."

She tried not to look Scum-Sucker in the eyes, it was much too hard to fake liking someone when you look at them directly, instead she looked at the end display case and noticed; Ohh Oreo Cookies were currently on-sale, two for the price of one. Yum.

"I thought you moved away! When did you get home?"

God would this bitch just go away?

Linda had moved away about a year ago. She left home to stay with her boyfriend Greg in his parents basement. He have lived in the next town over.

"Uh, Last week."

Ah, look at that, .99 off cream cheese.

The Baby let out a loud belch. Scum-sucker looked down and saw the child sitting there. Her jaw dropped open with shock.

"Oh my god! Is he yours?! I didn't know you and Greg was having a baby. What's his name?!"

Ugh.

"Troy."

"Wow! That's So great. I'm so happy for you. Why didn't you call and tell me? This is awesome"

--Blah Blah Blah. Remember to get formula. Blah Blah... Do you need a sitter! I would love to. Blah. I hate these awkward meetings damn it.--

Shelly looked at the baby and gasped, "You're kidding me! The whole school thought you two would be living it up in a big city somewhere."

No bitch, I'm not...

"Yeah."

---and here comes the million dollar question---

"I'm sorry!" Shelly leaned in and Squeaked, "What in the world happened?"

The dreaded memory ran through Linda's mind once again:

It was just over 9 months ago. She was laying in Greg's bed naked. Greg stumbled into the room. He was probably still hung over from the night before. The clock said it was 5:19 AM. She could still hear people downstairs. People who were still drinking and listening to music. Greg had been passed out cold in the downstairs bathroom. She had figured he wouldn't wake up for hours longer, but here he was, crawling into bed with her. At first she thought he would just pass back out so she pretended to be asleep. But once he noticed that she was naked he immediately sprung into action.

Guys, haha. But... fine, why not? He's drunk, won't take too long.

They started fooling around some. She started breathing heavily.

Greg suddenly stopped.

"What the fuck?" he whispered.

He rolled over and fumbled for the light switch.

"Can't get it up big boy?" Linda laughed.

Light filled the room and Linda had to cover her eyes from the sudden brightness. But she could hear Greg retching. Then she heard the sound, the sound that everyone who has ever had way to much to drink has heard. It was the sound of chunky liquid projected at an unintended target. In this case it was the floor.

"Eww Greg! go get a trashcan or something!"

"Oh. My. God" He said between hacking coughs.

He jumped out of bed.

"Ugh! That stinks! Drunk ass!"

She felt like she was going to throw-up herself. Greg did again.

"What the hell! Go back downstairs to the bathroom!"

Greg stood there with his mouth hanging open and a strand of saliva stretching down his chin. He looked at her in a way that she did not like.

"You." He said. Then he pointed a shaky finger at her, anger in his eyes, "You!"

Seriously? What would have given him that idea? One minute he's fine, now this? What the hell!

She rolled back over and looked him dead in the eyes.

"I did not cheat on you. What the fuck would make you think that?"

He pointed at the floor. She looked at him like he was a stupid dog.

"Look, he said, "Just. Fucking. Look."Whatever. This is dumb. He has nothing on me.

She leaned her head over the edge of the bed and half covered in puke was a unrolled and clearly used condom.

It seemed as if the party downstairs had just stopped and everyone was outside the bedroom door listing to their argument. The world was dead silent as Linda looked at that chunk-covered Trojan condom.

There has to be an explanation he'll take. It's just a stupid condom. Think.

Then, "Greg," she said evenly, "we had a party. some of your pals must have snuck up here and had sex while we were downstairs drinking. It's just a silly condom that one of them left on your floor. Really? You're getting all upset for nothing. I know you're still drunk, so I won't hold it against you. It's really no big deal honey. You know I love you and wouldn't do something like that to you. Right?"

"Linda," he spoke just as calmly as she had, "you're absolutely right, we did have a party. And surely some of my pals snuck up here and had sex. Probably while I was passed out in the bathroom."

"See? So can you please clean up so we can go back to bed?"

She smiled.

"But Linda?"

"Yeah baby?"

"The problem is... um, the problem is... that I didn't find the condom on the floor... Oh no Linda, I found that condom in YOU! You skanky fucking whore!"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

She snapped back to the present:
Linda blinked at Shelly. Shelly Blinked back. Linda looked down at the baby. He looked back and snorted. God, he was an ugly baby. Fuck. She turned her eyes back to Shelly. Five seconds must have passed. Shelly just stood staring in anticipation.

Look at her. With her fat stupid face and stupid glasses, and her stupid acne. Not to mention her stupid crooked smile that spewed her stupid judgmental morals. The Bitch, the Scum-sucker. I was hot. Smoking hot. Everyone wanted me. So what if I lost a guy who got drafted to play professional football and he's now making millions. So what if I had to move back in with my mother. So what if I gained sixty pounds, don't have a job, and live off of welfare. And so fucking what if I screwed a bunch of guys one night. So what if someone in the train they ran on me lost a condom inside. It happens! So what if I got me knocked up with this bastard kid... Who's she to judge me? She wants an answer? Does she?! Fine!

"Well... " Linda said, "I guess he didn't like what he found in me."

Ignoring what Shelly was now saying; she grabbed two packs of cookies off the rack, nope, second thought might as well grab three since they are on sale. She tossed them into the cart, and sped off in the direction of the baby formula. Shelly stared after her, obviously puzzled. Troy, the ugly little kid smiled and snorted to the nice lady his mom was just talking to.

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