How Becoming a Feminist Felt Like Falling In Love

I cried. And not just a little. I had just finished watching Emma Watson's U.N address and I had "all the feels." I wasn't sure at first how to pinpoint the underlying emotion that was making it rain (granted, my allergies made me want to stab out my eyes at the time), but it felt familiar.

To be clear, crying is not something I particularly shy away from, except for on a first date to see the movie Her — and even then, the number of tears produced by the end of the film could've washed my clothes for a week. I probably would have been able to hide my reaction were it not for the fact that my date's head was leaning cutely on my shoulder. But I digress.

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I've never been told not to cry. My parents never told me to "man up"; if anything, they taught me that expressing vulnerability is braver than putting on a stoic front — the alternative response so highly prized by male culture. I was taught that my insecurities, my fears, and my hurt were best shared with the people around me, rather than locked away in a box built of faux toughness. Unfortunately, I don't know that most men were taught these same beliefs. And this is part of the flip side of feminism and gender equality that benefits men as well as women: The notion of men being "strong" and therefore unable to admit to having "weaker" emotions is incredibly damaging. I hurt for all the boys and men who stuff away their feelings because they believe that this is the way to be a man.

My parents never framed what they were teaching me as "feminism." They pushed me to ask the question "How do I become a better and more evolved person?" — and the pursuit of an answer to that question inevitably led me to my current path, which began in earnest about seven months ago, when I first watched Watson's U.N. speech.

The moment I heard Watson say, "If not me, who? If not now, when?" I felt a shift inside of me. It wasn't the chicken burrito that I had scarfed down 15 minutes prior, but the rare and instantly recognizable feeling that I would never be the same. I now know that the feeling reminded me of falling in love.

One of the most thrilling and deeply moving experiences in life is the pants-shitting feeling you get when you realize you've met someone who will force you to grow in ways you'd never previously imagined possible. You feel like your boundaries are being pushed and your worldview is shifting. It's terrifying, but it's also one of the most exhilarating and fulfilling emotional states you can know. This is the internal stirring I had the moment I heard Watson's words.

I've always been hyper-conscious of offending other people or making them feel uncomfortable, especially since becoming a bit of public figure in the last two years. It's certainly easier to remain on neutral grounds when it comes to social and political issues. After all, I'm not a huge fan of people on social media telling me, "Ur a dumbass," (sic) even though, logically, I know full well that I'm rubber and they're glue and whatever they tweet bounces off me and sticks to you (them).

A post shared by Matt McGorry (@mattmcgorry) on May 19, 2015 at 12:40pm PDT

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Given my resistance to speaking out on social issues in the past, my tears were a moment of passionate realization that I could and would no longer remain quiet. It scared me. What kind of resistance would I encounter from fans, haterz, other people in the industry, and even those who supported the same movement but thought that I was going about it wrong or opportunistically? Would I risk ostracizing myself? But the thing was, I didn't fucking care. It would be easy to say nothing, just like it would be easy to avoid love by curling into an emotional fetal position every time you were confronted by someone with the capacity to push you, change you, and challenge you to explore all those terrifying nooks and crannies of your psyche. But, as humans have known for all of their existence, most good things in life require difficulty and courage. Also known as, YOLO.

Much like finding someone to love, you can't really know what to look for in a social cause until it crosses your path. You can use all the words that you want to describe what you're looking for, but at the end of the day, when you find the right one at the right point in your life, you'll know. But you have to be open to the possibility in the first place. And now that I've had my own awakening of sorts, it's turned out to be a more incredible path than I could have imagined.

I've become increasingly interested in other social issues, for example, such as Black Lives Matter. About a year ago, my good friend Patrick, whom I know from the improv comedy world, became vocal about the Black Lives Matter movement, posting articles and stories on his Facebook page. I slowly began to read some of his posts and "like" them, appreciating his outspokenness from a distance. Patrick is a white, heterosexual, cisgender male and, like me, he has spent a lifetime benefiting from that, most likely without even realizing the full extent to which he has. His willingness to acknowledge his privilege was something that taught me about mine as well. Even now, I acknowledge that my own privilege affords me the luxury of this cushy and positive outlook on fighting inequalities and injustices. I have the choice to confront these issues — they aren't implicit in my life due to my gender, the color of my skin, my sexual preference, or any other parts of who I am as a person.

I don't know where my new passions will take me next, but I do know that however they evolve, I will always be changed, and at least some part of the world around me will therefore be changed too. My hope is to follow the love and continue to learn what it means to be the best ally that I can be.

*Rides away on a flock of doves but then they can't support my weight so I fall and break my ankle.*

Matt McGorry stars in Orange Is the New Black and How to Get Away With Murder, which premieres its second season on Thursday, September 24 at 10 p.m. on ABC.