Like this:

Yes, its one of those nights, when all the relaxation before bed, all the ‘quiet moments’, get completely fucked up and here I am at nearly 3am, deep breathing with my EmWave breathe pacer and listening to Allen Stone…Is this love that I’m feeling…over and over.

Shit is deeply fucked up.

I am trying to embrace the moment, sleep or no sleep…but I find myself particularly angry. Angry because I cant sleep; angry because I’m cutting down my fucking sleep meds…and if there’s one goddamn thing I do really well…that’s to not go back on what I’ve set for myself! Grrrr ….. I’m angry that the other person that resides with me, gets a little titchy when they don’t get any sleep, but cant sympathise one little fucken inch with me needing to go to fucken sleep but not being able too….and when I am asleep the fucker sounds like a bloody tornado raging through the house Grrrr again ….

its not just the not sleeping though….its the fear of going to sleep that gets me every single fucking time. I need to be the last person asleep in the house…I need to make sure all the windows and doors are locked…that everyone is settled, before I can move off into the land of vulnerability…where sometimes I’ll dream a pleasant dream…but mainly I’ll dream busy, dizzy, breath-taking, hideous dreams….that leave me sweating or crying or shaking or with a stench in my nostrils….or if I’m really fucking lucky, it’ll be all of them….Its bullshit!!! Tiring fucken bullshit.

Thank the heavens for Allen Stone…for music….

I need to sleep…think I’ll take my music to bed…and sleep in the spare room….

…. dunno why we say that … theres just news really, neither good nor bad … any who …

So?

Ok, bad it is …

Apparently; according to a rather untimely snail mail letter today, from the almighty ACC … I am up for yet another assessment.

Why you ask?

Well, apparently, again, the last assessment was a pre-assessment assessment. Didn’t know they existed did yah … well, apparently, they do!

…. but do you realise how long it took Me to get ready for the last assessment which y’all said was all I needed to do … and do you realise how long it took to get over the last assessment which y’all said was I all I needed to do?

Thats right … fucking ages!

But since I’ve been waiting, like, 5 or so years for that pre-assessment assessment and then another 6 months for those results … only to be told the assessment that I thought was what i was waiting for all this time is actually only the pre-assessment assessment and that assessment is pending … I could be in for another 5 year wait???

No. Of course not … *she says ultra sarcastically so she neither cries or laughs hysterically at the absurdity of the whole fucking thing … cos all this time, she’s still the one sitting on a cool $35 smack-a-roos a week … yes, thats right … the sum total of … *

Ahhhhhh …. deep breaths …. deep breaths …

So, onto the good news …

Sure thing …

I spoke with my father.

He apologised … for not listening; for being a shit father; for not ever ever being around; for going on about shit I don’t give a fuck about; for not listening; for not getting to know Me; for not visiting; for not ever ringing; for not listening; …. for barging his way into my life … full of grief and anxiety … and expecting Me to be my sisters replacement … for taking Me for granted … oh … and for not listening!

He finally told Me about his life … his actual life … he answered my questions … and gave Me real answers. He talked about my sister … who she was to him … what she was like … as a person … as a mother. He finally talked about his regrets and his hopes … his failures and his wins … the real ones.

And he finally, finally, asked Me about Me.

So, there we have it … the ups and the downs … the good and the bad … for today.

Now I can sleep … hopefully … because as much as I thought I had kicked insomnias ass … I haven’t been to sleep before 2.30am and slept more than a few hours, for a couple weeks now … and I’m exhausted.

I’ll be fucked if I know how I survived on 3-4 hours sleep for the past 35+ years … oh, thats right … I didn’t.

Like this:

I’ve had insomnia ~ technical who-ha for, sleeping like shit ~ for … ever. 4 hours has always been a long sleep, 2-3 the norm. And it’s always been ‘aided’. Alcohol, drugs, combos, sleeping pills … exhaustion. And still only 2-4 hours at a time.

The last 5ish years have been a benzodiazepine rabbit hole shitfest.

I enjoyed being able to sleep, solid … but still only got 4-5 hours, if I was lucky.

And none of this takes into consideration the fucked up nightmares that have always accompanied sleep land … but that’s another story.

Anyway, I have had a love hate relationship with zoppys (as i affectionately called them) over the past 5 years. After a few years, realising they were addictive; thanks to Google, not the doctor grrrr … and then slowly trying to wean myself off’ve them.

Well that took another year or so but I finally did it about a month or so ago. Thank fuck!

But, its meant that I just have to roll with the no sleep thing, if it happens. On a good night, I’ll get 6 hours sometimes … and that’s pretty fucken impressive for me! The dreams can be vivid and sometimes hard to handle, but manageable, now I know whats what.

So, last night, I decided to try something new.

I was tired at 10pm, and this is usually when I start to get anxious and put on another movie and try to wait it out till I’m so exhausted I pass out lol.

Instead, I told myself it was 2.30am (my most usual bedtime time lol). I took a bit of convincing; but ended up curling up into a ball, closing my eyes and reciting that mantra ~ “its 2.30am, go to sleep and you’ll get at least 4 hours before morning”.

Well, whataya fucken know! It worked!

I went to sleep before 10.30pm (real time) and woke up at 6am (real time)!!!

Seven and a half hours sleep!!! Unaided!!!

Whoop whoop … Yah Me 🙂

And I got to thinking this morning…

Our time (society) is based on our culture. As in, in a place like Italy, Spain … an afternoon siesta is the norm, cos its too dam hot to do anything else … that’s part of their environment, the culture … its their norm. Western culture seems to be more to do with productivity and making money … keeping the economy rolling. We are ‘supposed’ to hit school, work before 9am, finish at 3pm, or 5pm (depending on what we do) … we rush to get there, rush to get home…we eat in a hurry…have fun in a hurry…sleep in a hurry. Sleep is based on the time we’re not ‘being productive’, or not working. It has nothing to do with ‘US’ … and our ebbs and flows.

And what I mean by that is … for me … I’ve always had a lull in energy in the afternoon; 230-3ish. Then I’m re-energised around 930-10pm, usually. But a working day/week, does not fit into that.

The ‘sicker’ I became, the more I had to listen to my insides/my intuition, and figure out what was best for me.