Because I’ve been such a wreck lately and need to pull myself out of this funk I’m in, I have to do something to change things and focus more on me. On making myself happy and healthy. On what I need and want. On becoming or creating the person I want to be because right now I’m not even close.

I’ll focus more on the people and things that make me happy. I’ll post more often here…hopefully more positive, happy posts as I work through all the negative stuff.

This past few weeks I’ve been an emotional mess. It pains me to say it’s all over a guy. There’s always been an indescribable connection between us, and he unfortunately has a way of changing my emotions in an instant. He can either make me feel amazingly happy or completely worthless…and everything in between. Our story is long and complicated and a total emotional roller coaster. I completely lack the ability to control my feelings where he’s concerned.

We aren’t together (haven’t been in awhile) but have stayed friends and talk or text every so often. Maybe once or so a month. We don’t see each other because we live several states away. He has a girlfriend and I’ve always encouraged the relationship and been careful to never say anything negative about her.

But, about four weeks ago he decided to tell me through text that he couldn’t talk to me anymore because of her. I understood but it cut so deep, especially since it was done through text I felt like I had so say in the decision. It left me feeling insignificant and discarded, like my friendship didn’t mean anything to him. I hated the idea of never speaking to him, never knowing him again.

Three weeks later he contacted me because they broke up. I became his emotional support and comfort as I had to listen to how much he loved her and missed her. He’s called or texted me everyday since then. Then this morning I get a call that all that is likely stopping again because he’s going to fight for her and get her back. I knew as I encouraged him to save their relationship, it meant the end of our friendship.

I’m again left out in the cold. Left feeling like I don’t matter. I feel so stupid and used for being there for him when he needed me, only to be push aside once again when he doesn’t.

I don’t understand why I can’t let him go. Why I’m brought to tears at the thought of never talking to him again. Why he affects me so much. Why my happiness and self worth is so tied up in him.

I feel like I’ve tried every diet out there, but the one thing I haven’t done is simply count calories. So, I signed up for myfitnesspal. Like Weight Watchers, it lets you log everything you eat and any exercise you do. Its database is amazing. So far, it’s had everything I’ve eaten. And, like Weight Watchers, it helps make me aware of what I’m eating. It’s amazing how fast 1200 calories go!!

I’ve said before that I don’t consider myself an emotional eater. I don’t binge to suppress feelings. But, when I’m under a lot of stress, I tend to get lax in my eating and exercise. It’s like I only have so much emotion strength and energy, that when something else taps into that reserve, I have nothing left to focus on my eating. Last month and this month have been so stressful for a multitude of reasons…everything from guys to work to my house’s ac blowing up in 90 degree weather. Everything hit at once and I finally hit my breaking point.

When I’m this stressed out, it’s easy to run through a drive thru rather than fixing something healthy. It’s harder to turn down a cookie or extra glass of wine. It’s easier to sleep in instead of getting up early to exercise. It’s easier not to think about it or try so hard. Of course, that just adds more stress after the fact and ends up setting me back several weeks. I become my own worst enemy and sabotage myself when I need to be taking care of myself the most.

I wonder if I’ll ever get to the point where making healthy choices becomes the norm and comes naturally, or if I’ll always struggle and fight to make the right decisions. Why does this have to be so hard?

I’m trying to get back into doing couch to 5k, because I want to do more 5ks and eventually do a 10k and maybe a half-marathon…maybe. This past week I did week 2 of the c25k program. I did 2 miles each day with a warm up, cool down, and alternating 1 1/2 minutes of jogging and 2 minutes of walking.

5.17.11 Total time: 26:31 Average pace: 13:11

Mile 1: 12:59

Mile 2: 13:20

.01: 0:11

5.18.11 Total time: 26:47 Average pace: 13:24

Mile 1: 13:18

Mile 2: 13:29

5.21.11 Total time: 25:01 Average pace: 12:32

Mile 1: 12:23

Mile 2: 12:37

My hip hasn’t been hurting during the run, but it hurts afterwards. I’ve been using ice and taking a couple of days in between the 2nd one and the 3rd one helped alot. I just hope it allows me to run now that I have the bug and motivation again.

Last weekend I did my first 5k since Race for the Cure last year in October. Which means it was the first 5k since the bursitis really kicked in. We walked most of it, but had a few small spurts of jogging. I felt fine during it, but hurt a little afterward and the next day. The good thing is that it was so much fun walking in and around the zoo. I definitely caught the 5k bug again. I realized how much I missed everything from packing together waiting for the gun to sound, to crossing the finish line, to hanging out with friends afterward. I even ran into a friend during the race. We walked most of the second mile together. We all then walked around the zoo afterwards. We did at least another 3 miles seeing all the animals.

In addition to learning from the trip, I had a lot of fun in San Francisco. I went to all the main sights, spent a lot of time in Fisherman’s Wharf, rode the cable car (even hanging off the side), went to Muir Woods and Sonoma, and even saw part of a Braves/Giants game.