Liam Gallagher’s 75 Most Hilarious One-Liners

Liam Gallagher’s just announced his debut solo show. What better opportunity to look back at the Oasis man’s best one-liners – like this one, on being invited to design a gnome for the Chelsea Flower Show: “It’d be a fucking rock’n’roll gnome man. It would look like me. Nah, it’d look like our kid – same fucking size and everything.” (NME, June 2013)

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On nearly dying after eating M&Ms: “That peanut, man, it nearly tipped me over the edge. It was a fucking blue one and all, the cheeky bastard. I had a fucking M&M and it felt like I’d been shot in the mouth.” (NME, June 2013)

On Noel winning awards: “I don’t give a fuck what awards he gets. Ivor Novello Award? What is it? Don’t want anything to do with that shit.” (NME, June 2013)

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On business and brotherly love: “I like Noel outside the band. Human Noel – that’s my brother – I fucking adore him and I’d do anything for him. But the geezer that’s in this fucking business, he’s one of the biggest cocks in the universe.” (NME, June 2013)

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On tabloid reports that he had ridden a dog in a pub: “I’ve rode a couple of fucking dogs in my life mate, leave it at that.” (NME, June 2013)

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On sartorial elegance: “I have got a bit of an issue with cardigans. They’re shit aren’t they?” (NME, June 2013)

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On Wayne Rooney: “He looks like a fucking balloon with a fucking Weetabix crushed on top. He’s better off as a skinhead, isn’t he?” (The Telegraph, August 2012)

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On footballers: “[Mario] Balotelli’s a character but he needs to sort his napper out. I like characters – if the world was full of fucking Gary Nevilles, it would be bobbins. He looks like an estate agent.” (BBC Football Focus, April 2011)

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On drinking: “At Knebworth I thought we were doing one night and we were doing two. I got that mashed on the first I woke up to a knock on the door and thought I was at home. I forgot all about it. But I had to go and do it again. That was heavy.” (Alan Carr’s Chatty Man, July 2011)

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On golf: “I love making proper contact with that fucking ball. If you whack it, it fucking goes, man. If you get it right it goes miles. I spend too much time in that fucking sandpit but there you go… it’s a learning curve. And there’s a drink-up after.” (The Times, April 2011)

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On Radiohead’s The King of Limbs: “I like to think that what we do, we do fucking well. Them writing a song about a fucking tree? Give me a fucking break! A thousand year old tree? Go fuck yourself!” (Thequietus, March 2011)

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On Noel, following the press conference announcing the High Flying Birds album: “Shitbag” (Twitter, July 2011)

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On the Premiership: “I’m moving back to Manchester if City win the league. I’m going to buy a house next to Mani out of Stone Roses and be a real noisy ******* neighbour – hurl abuse at him over the fence.” (Talksport, May 2012)

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On his bands: “Even though I love Beady Eye, I’d prefer to still be in Oasis, because that was my thing. Oasis was my life.” (Live magazine, February 2012)

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On the fashion industry: “90 per cent of the music business is run by idiots and I’ll guess it’s the same for fashion, know what I mean?” (The Telegraph, August 2012)

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On Kanye West: “If I ever win any more fucking awards I’d personally invite him to get up and fucking take my award of me. I fucking tell you that… That was rude when he did that to that girl, that Taylor Swift. So yeah, give me an award and see where it goes. It will roll out of his fucking arse.” (MTV’s 120 Minutes, August 2011)

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On launching a Pretty Green store in Japan: “I’m more nervous than Knobworth! [sic]” (to Japanese press, July 2012)

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On Muse: “Muse fucking scare me. They’re like fucking creepy shit. But people like ’em. They at least play guitars, but when I hear his voice I’m like, Ah, fuck him.” (GQ, June 2011)

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Liam’s Christmas plans for Christmas 2010? “The usual. I’ll be sitting there all day, getting wankered. Probably eating loads of fucking food an’ all. What are the kids after this year? What do you think? Loads of fucking toys.” (NME, December 2010).

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On the student riots: “I loved it, man. I’m into the violent side of it. I thought it made for fucking great TV. I still think they should get a fucking job, though. But I’m into people getting wound up about things. It’s better than being fucking dead, innit?” (NME, December 2010).

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On the royal wedding: “We don’t observe bank holidays in this band. It’s all one big bank holiday, one big fucking day off. But I say good luck to them, man. Fair play to the pair of them.”

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On tuition fees: “I’d have liked to have gone to fucking college, you know what I mean? But we couldn’t afford it. Some of us had to go down and dig holes on the site with fucking Murphy and Dick.” (NME, December 2010).

Glastonbury Festival 2004

On the Glastonbury ‘spirit’: “I fucking hate Glastonbury, mate. I’m only here for the money.” (NME, July 2004).

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Ian Gallagher on stage

On the Scissor Sisters: “Bright colours and fucking weirdos on stilts? I’m more entertaining than that shit.” (NME, 2005).

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Liam Gallagher And Nicole Appleton – Barbados

On his morning regime: “I’m up at 6am, me. I’ve got an alarm call and everything. It’s like being in the fookin’ army.” (NME, 2008)

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LIAM GALLLAGHER

On his emotions: “I suppose I do get sad, but not for too long. I just look in the mirror and go, ‘What a good-looking fuck you are.’” (NME, November 2006).

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John Squire exhibition private view – London

On Franz Ferdinand: “You look at [Alex Kapranos] and the singer from Right Said Fred. It’s the same person! he’s just gone on the Atkins diet and grown his hair.” (NME, 2005).

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Q Awards Kelis Liam

On Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong: “Fuck right off. I’m not having him. I just don’t like his head.” (NME. August 2009).

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gallagher liam 02-

On La Roux: “No way, mate. She’s got man hands.” (NME, August 2009).

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Oasis Knebworth line up

On describing bandmates in three words: “Alan White… oh, I can’t do it. I can’t be arsed.” (NME, July 2002).

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On pointy shoes: “You know them shoes that just come out at you like a fucking snooker cue?! It’s like, ‘Leave it out, man! You got a license for them bastards or what?’” (NME, March 2009).

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V Festival

On going out to gigs: “Fuck that. What’s the point? The bands are all shit, aren’t they? Go out to socialise and have some student stand on your fucking shoes?” (NME, 2008).

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Noel and Liam Gallagher Sighting – Manchester

On the Blur reunion: “I’m right into it, [because] it’ll finish off the Kaiser Chiefs and put them to bed. There’s nothing worse than a shit Blur.” (The Sun, 2008).

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Blue Eyes/Liam & Patsy

On being a sex symbol: “I’m into the girls fancying me, mad for it. Get a bit worried if boys started fancying me. I’ve got nothing against gays – as long as they don’t pinch me on the bum or whatever.” (The Sun, 2005).

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Mideast Lebanon Keane

On Pete Doherty and Tom Chaplin: “Posh boys can’t take drugs, man, they’re lightweights. They have one little line, and they’re in rehab”. (The Observer, November 2006).

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Music – Glastonbury Festival

On conquering America: “Americans want grungy people stabbing themselves in the head onstage. They get a bright bunch like us, with deodorant on, they don’t get it.” (NME, November 2006).

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Liam Kiss

On his stage demeanour: “I refuse to dance. And I can’t dance anyway. I’m not in a band for that.” (NME, 1994).

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ABACA 26730-4 Oasis Liam Gallagher

On cutting the crap: “It’s about the music and that’s it. I’m not an entertainer. But I do entertain people, see what I mean?” (NME, October 2007).

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DPA Germany Liam Gallagher

On Robbie Williams: “He’s a fucking drama queen. You make a crap album then want everyone to feel sorry for you. Tosser!” (MTV, February 2007).

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Soccer – Music Industry Soccer Six Tournament – Mile End Stadium

About taking on Blur: “We said it from Day One, we were the ones who were real, man. We’re just honest, man, and we’re not a bunch of women.” (NME, September 02).

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Music – Oasis – Knebworth House

On Bloc Party: “They remind me of a band off University Challenge. Like they’re sitting on a panel.” (NME, July 2005).

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UK Radio Aid – Capital Radio Studios

On what the public thinks of him: “Loudmouth blagging gobshite from Manchester…and they’d be totally correct.” (The Times, August 2008).

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Shine a Light UK Premiere – Arrivals – London

On debauched on-the-road antics: “In Caracas, top gig. Sat in me room in silence as my TV doesn’t work. Not allowed to leave the hotel for fear of being tickled to death.” (Metro, May 2009).

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Germany TV Show

On singing: “I’m a better singer than him [Noel]. I’m the man, man.” (NME, December 2008)

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ARGENTINA OASIS

On falling out with Noel: “We had a ding-dong in the airport and I think he started crying then – that was it – doesn’t travel with me [on tour] any more.” (NME, August 2009)

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On Keith Richards and George Harrison: “They’re jealous and senile and not getting enough fucking meat pies.” (The Sun, October 1997).

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Paleo Festival – Switzerland

On getting vitamin injections: “Here you go, eat your heart out Pete Doherty, you crackhead! That whinger!” (NME, October 2007).

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oasis dublin

On the Oasis live experience: “You’ve seen one of our gigs, you’ve seen ’em all.” (The Times, 2007).

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John Squire exhibition private view – London

On the paparazzi: “It’s good people living on your doorstep and looking through your bins. Gives me a kick up the arse. Otherwise I’d just sit around getting fat.” (The Guardian, 2006).

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BRIT Awards 2007 – Show

On celebrity mates: “Our kid hangs around with all these strange people with long hair – Russell Brand sorts – and that’s just not my cup of tea.”

Winehouse on road to recovery

Spreading the love for Amy and Pete: “I don’t give a fuck about her, I don’t give a fuck about the other dick and I don’t give a fuck about any of ‘em.” (NME, September 2008).

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BRITS/OASIS/BOTTOM

On setting a good example: “I don’t go out and get wasted. I’ve got kids and they’re getting to that age when they’re like, ‘How come you get to lie in bed all day and I’ve got to go to school?'” (NME, March 2009).

On being a softie at heart: “I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.” (Sky.com, July 2005).

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Noel and Liam Gallagher Sighting – Manchester

On Jack White: “The White Stripes? Fooking rubbish. School ties? At the age of 24? Fooking hell.” (NME, July 2002)

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williams gallagher

On who he’d like to hang: “I’d like to fooking hang Robbie Williams onstage. What’s he done to me this time? Nothing. He’s just somebody I’d like to hang.” (NME, July 2002).

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SHOWBIZ Q

On Pete Doherty (again): “What does the word Libertine mean? Freedom! He’s in the corner doing smack with a helmet on his head. There’s nothing free about that. It’s nasty.” (NME, 2005).

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Noel and Liam Gallagher Sighting – Manchester

On ambition: “If I wasn’t a musician I don’t know. I’d be God, maybe? That would be a good job.” (The Sun, 2005).

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RP OASIS

On religion: “I guide myself. If I bump into walls, I bump into walls. I’m like a little bumper car, I keep bumping into questions and answers and it’s a top buzz, man.” (The Times, 2002).

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Oasis – Finsbury Park

On getting banned from The Groucho Club: “Gazza was at the bar, using that old joke: ‘D’you want a ‘Roll With It’? D’you want a roll with your soup? So I squirted him with a fire extinguisher.” (NME, March 2009).

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On Coldplay and Radiohead: “I don’t hate them, I don’t wish they had accidents. I think their fans are boring and ugly and don’t look like they’re having a good time.” (The Guardian, August 2008).

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On the Beatles Vs God: “It’s got to be being in the Beatles. When was the last time God made a decent record?” (Rolling Stone, October 2008).

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On Ozzy Osbourne: “How come everyone thinks he’s great? He’s a bit of a fooking mong, if you ask me.” (NME, July 02).

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oasis

On modelling his own fashion collection: “No fucking chance!” (Metro, March 2009).

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On running over Noel: “Bastard! That taxi missed! If I was driving I would have fucking had you, man.” (NME, October 2007).

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Threatening The Enemy’s Tom Clarke before they went to tour together: “Do you want to go on first or what, you little fucker?” (Clash, May 2009).

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On the state of music: “The world is crying out for a great rock’n’roll band. It has been for ages, man. That’s why the time is right for Beady Eye.” (NME, December 2010)

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On Brother: “Them little fucking wankers? Yeah, I’ve heard about them. What is it they call themselves, ‘gritpop’? They’re just fucking little posh kids with tattoos, man.” (NME, December 2010).

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On being on top form: “I’m singing as well as I ever have. And I think the [Beady Eye] tunes are just as good as ‘Definitely Maybe’, if not better.” (NME, December 2010).