A Review by Christopher Kinsey

By now you may be considering me as someone who has watched a lot of anime. And it's true. At last count I have enough anime footage to run my own anime
station. There have been a lot of anime that I have watched because
of its buzz-worthiness. I was onboard for the first episodes of
"Fullmetal Alchemist". I made it a point to own all of
"Cowboy Bebop" no matter how much the tapes cost. I
practically leapt over the counter when "FLCL" hit the
store shelves at my local Suncoast.

But there was one
anime that I never bothered to pick up. And that was "Neon
Genesis Evangelion". This series was given huge coverage from
the day it came out in Japan. I remember reading an article in
"Animerica" about someone making cookies based off the
giant monsters from the series, and how it all related to
Judo-Christianity ideology. Everyone did fan art about it.
Immediately the anime community was abuzz about this scrappy little
TV series that dared to challenge everything about giant robot anime.

And as the tapes and
DVDs came out one by one, I sat by and didn't care. At the
time I felt that giant robot anime was dead. I was 16 and felt I was
too grown up for that stuff. They tried to tell me it was different,
but I never budged.

"Hey guys, who brought doughnuts?"

That's right DTA fans. I never watched NGE. I never read the manga, never played the
date sim games, never got into arguments over what the hell it all
mean. So why in the hell do I own some variant garage kit toys from
the series? Why do I know everything about it before I set forth to
watch this thing?

For ten years now this
has been the anime series everyone has talked about, over analyzed
and debated. It was parodied, mocked, taken as philosophical debate.
Celebrities adore it, otaku love it, and a diligent few of the "old
guard" hate it with the very essence of their souls. It used
to be everyone talked about "Akira" as their dose of
anime taken over the edge, now NGE was their king. This apparently
changed all the rules, and anime would never be the same.

And being that it was
the only thing talked about for the longest time, I absorbed a lot of
information on the series without even holding an interest. I'd
want to talk about anime, and immediately you'd get the line
"Did you see Evangelion?" No, no I hadn't...but
then I'd be tid-bitted about the plot, the characters, and
which of the ladies of the series the speaker would like to bang. I
didn't care, but if you were talking anime at the time, you
were talking about NEG and all the little plots therein.

When I decided to
start submitting reviews to Spoony I knew this day would come. The
fates aligned to get me to watch this series. My sister, who I have
infected with anime fever since I would record "Sailor Moon"
for her in the wee hours of the morning, had finally collected the
entire TV series on the cheap. My fate was sealed, for Spoony wanted
to see if I could face real horror. Real pain. Deep hurting like he
has seen on a regular basis.

So for some time I
have been doing a running review as I gazed at this series. I may
have smiled once. The rest of the time was spent wondering how this
deserves the controversy it garners and the praise it receives on a
daily basis. So now I submit this to you, part one of my play in two
parts. The story of one anime fan that never heard the gospel, Dean
the Adequate vs. Neon Genesis Evangelion.

ACT I: THE TELEVISION SERIES

Episode 1 - This episode simply opens with WAR! Really cool U.N. military
units up against one of the "Angels". Sadly this,
like all the angels, looks like a public art project gone horribly
wrong. Shinji arrives into town, lost and confused, but is
quickly picked up by resident drunkard/hottie Misato. Meanwhile
the U.N gets serious and nukes the angel, resulting in Misatos' car
getting flipped. I have to tell you, they just flip that sucker
back over and drive on. Talk about value in an automobile!
After arriving at NERV headquarters, Shinji is told he must pilot a
giant robot, and he refuses outright. I refuse to believe that
there is anyone in Japan under the age of 30 who wouldn't want to
pilot a giant robot. After a loooooong time debating if Shinji
should pilot (Including seeing Rei busted up... It's time to
play the Neon Genesis Evangelion drinking game! Wounded Rei count 1,
Drink) he finally starts a monotonous power up sequence and readies
to fight the angel. Then the episode ends... Nooooooo!
Already I can't see anything "revolutionary" about this
series. Just the same old clichés... only they
take longer to play out.

Episode 2 - We pick up
where we left off, and Shinji gets a prompt ass-handing. But
right before the coup de grace' he awakens in a hospital. Then
we cut to the first day of school. We see Rei again, still
bandaged and aloof (Wounded Rei count 2, Drink). Then the story
tries to cram in everything that SHOULD have happened last episode.
The entirety of the mech combat, the eventual cleanup, the fact the
city can basically be raised or lowered, basically all of the cool
things that you should start a series with is all in the second
episode. Shinji was going to be carted off to a cold lonely
apartment, but Misato decides to take him in. Her place is a
horror house filled with trash, beer, and snacks. Like your
average gamer's bachelor pad. Somewhere along the way we're
treated to almost full frontal nudity of Shinji... Dear god why?
And the fact there is a Penguin living in a spare refrigerator!
I thought this was supposed to be the anime that changes anime
forever! There should be no cutesy animals, especially named
"Pen-Pen". Gah!

Stereotyping: Not for wimps!

Episode 3 - We
learn a bit more on how the mecha work through Shinji's training
sessions. All I can say is... Extension cords? This huge
battling 'bot can be transported all throughout the cityscape but can
be defeated by a careless cat on Christmas Eve? We cut back to
school where we once again focus in on an injured Rei for no good
reason (Wounded Rei Count 3, drink). Meanwhile we see Shinji's
other classmates basically turn this show into a high school drama.
Bleh. Let's just say it's a "Very special" episode of
NGE where we all learn the valuable lesson... don't leave your
designated bomb shelters, lest you become the anime series' very own
R2D2/C3PO comic relief duo.

Episode 4 - Shinji
runs off, finally this series could get interesting! We spend
forever watching him "Run away". This basically
consists of watching him ride the train and listen to his
headphones. His emo is complete. His travels basically
get him fired, rehired, and he learns a lot about many different
people in his new life. Am I supposed to feel his frustration
here, or is this sinking feeling in my gut going to get the better of
me? Onto the next DVD!

Episode 5 - We
open to an experiment using unit 00, Rei's mecha. Somewhere in
the middle of a test startup procedure the mech goes nuts and starts
bashing in the control center, obviously trying to crush Gendo to
paste. However, when it's finally shut down Gendo rushes to get
Rei out, in a more loving gesture of concern than he'd ever give his
biological son. Which, by now, is all the series seems to be
boiling down to, a daddy issue (Like the third Austin Powers movie).
We then jump to the "Present" where we're going over a huge
forensics unit over the currently dead angel. For some reason,
Shinji has tagged along like a kicked puppy. It's there he
learns of the aforementioned incident... I can just feel this is
going to be a "Very Special" NGE... We cut to a bit
of school, where Shinji is quickly called out for staring at Rei at
the pool, then we cut back to "Work" where Shinji spots his
father chatting with Rei. Oh how they laugh, smile and talk.
He tried to do the ol' "Hal 9000", but he can't read lips.
We then have a heartwarming cliché anime dinner. It's
all is just a vehicle to send Shinji to Rei's place anyway.
Apparently she lives in the projects, with nothing in her apartment
but dead mail, bloody bandages, a mini-fridge, and shoe prints all
over the place. I await an awkward moment, since Rei seems to
not be at home. Oh, and there it is. She was in the
shower and just waltzes out as Shinji is messing with a pair of
busted up glasses he finds. She rushes forward with little
concern over the fact her no-no parts are showing and grabs the
glasses, knocks Shinji into her dresser, his bag gets caught on her
dresser drawer, and as he falls forward over her nude form Rei's
undergarments fly everywhere. Normally, this produces shrieks
of "Pervert" and violence ensues. This time it just
produces disdain and silence as Shinji tries to explain everything in
short order. I can finally see where this series is breaking
away from the chains of anime conformity... Yeah, right.
They begin the test from earlier anew, and this time it succeeds.
However before it can be completed, another angel attacks. This
time it's arriving in a pyramid. Instead of sending out the
mech they just started up, they decide to launch Shinji instead.
On the bright side, he's immediately hit square in the chest with a
huge laser before the "To be continued..."

Episode 6 - Seeing the first few seconds of the last episode
again... I now realize that Misato gives a great rendition of
"What you say?!" Shinji's really beat up and taken
quickly to the hospital. Meanwhile this angel gets smart.
It brought a drill to finally take out NERV. You never saw the
giant monsters try and take advantage of Voltron's weaknesses.
NERV retaliates by using ineffective attacks and decoys. They
pretty much get the standard "We're boned" analysis
afterwards. So they formulate a final strategy, use a big assed
sniper laser that's in development. We then see as bureaucracy
springs into action to obtain not only a laser, but also a complete
shutdown of all Japanese power to use this thing. Police states
can be useful and helpful sometimes, eh kids? Shinji of course
whines about having to pilot the EVA, so Rei simply states she'll do
it. That baby. As the EVAs launch, kids sit by and watch
them, cheering them on. Lucky for the world, Shinji drags his
ass back into work and will fire the frickkin' laser, while Rei will
use a coated space shuttle as a shield should the angel fire back.
We then get treated to a montage of the entire startup process.
That's pretty much all this anime is, half-assed drama and
mission control sequences spiced in with absurd anime cliché
comedy. The first shots go wild, leaving a swath of destruction in
their paths. Second shot.... Rei blocks the angel's laser and
buys the time needed for Shinji's second shot. As Shinji helps
her out of her ruined machine, they bond for a moment.
Awwww....

"Say hello to my little friend!"

Episode 7 - We open this time with Gendo
talking creepy sinister plot stuff with a disembodied voice with a
cut to a visual of another giant robot. Or angel... or thingies.
Then it's morning at Misato's place. Shinji has toast, Penpen
has fish... Misato has a beer. As it turns out, it's
parent/teacher day. Misato will be attending, for some
god-awful reason. Her milkshake then proceeds to bring all the
boys to the yard, along with gaping and lewd comments to Shinji.
As Gendo does a little political maneuvering on a spaceflight, Shinji
is told the truth about the first and second impacts. Finally,
we get into all this well thought out biblical mystery I've heard so
much about. The "Second Impact" wasn't a meteor, it
was an exploding angel. *Gasp*So we then cut to the next
morning... only Misato's smartly dressed and in control, on her way
to a meeting. It's some kind of trade show of some sort.
Scientists then get to an enormous verbal catfight. Bleh.
SO during the test the new nuclear powered mecha runs amok, and then
the other bureaucracy bogs down any other situation. So Misato
steps up to stop the rampaging and meltdown inducing mech at any
cost. Shinji will use the EVA to get Misato onto the rampaging
robot or else it will blow up a city. Luckily she was able to
push in the control rod manually. Time for a brewski.

Episode 8 - Shinji and his pals get a trip onto a fleet of ships.
Now, Shinji I understand, being as he's the one who can pilot the
EVA... But his school chums allowed into a top-secret paramilitary
unit just to fool around? No wonder we won WWII, damn kids.
We finally meet Asuka. You may remember her from the
umpteen billion toys, posters, and perverted PC games you people may
play. I have to respect the fact Asuka may have the proper
reaction to a guy seeing her private places (Slapping the crap out of
a dude and exclaiming "That's the price you pay!")
but the fact Shinji's friend responds with "Wasn't quite worth
it..." Proceeds to drop trousers... "...Here's your
change!" Priceless. We then go onto meet Kaji, who
used to be Misato's lover in college. So far he's the Glenn
Quagmire of NGE... Giggidy. Asuka then proceeds to show off her
goods... No, not her naughty parts again, her EVA. Then
another Angel attack. Huzzah. The Navy is pretty
useless. Asuka starts up her EVA anyway and jumps from ship to
ship because collateral damage is cool. And the angel looks
like a pudding of some sort. Like the world's largest fishing
tackle, the EVA plunges underwater. They then shove a couple of
battleships into it, and explode it from the inside. We end
with more Gendo conspiracy with Kaji, and Asuka joining the class.

Episode 9 - OK,
so there is a bit of a montage of Asuka starting school in this
opening. And all I can notice is the fact she never takes off
her EVA headband thingies. I don't know... they seem to be more
military hardware than a fashion accessory to me. Then we cut
to Kaji putting the smooth moves on Akagi. Now we get adult
romantic tension as well as teenaged... Oh, and another angel
attack. So they drop in Shinji and Asuka to tear this
robeast... er... angel a new one. But this time they are given
an ass handing so vicious that it can't be shown onscreen.
After a debriefing and spread of blame, we cut to yet another anime
cliché... the new character must live with the existing
protagonist. Again, changing the shape of all anime ever.
Asuka really plays up the "Ugly foreigner" aspect of her
existence. Whining about how her room's too small, moaning
about this and that... while Misato just chimes in "The Japanese
way is about being considerate of others". I always
thought the Japanese way was "Don't shame your ancestors by
getting caught looking as tentacle sex during your seven minute lunch
break". So now we learn what it will take to finish off
the angels. Both Shinji and Asuka will need to hit the angel at
the exact moment. How will NERV prepare them? Make them
memorize a dance beat then use the beat to help them synch up.
You know, the NERV boys are slipping. That kind of funding I
would have invested in some mind control. Instead, they use
some cassette tapes and DDR. Before the final battle everyone
has a double helping of sexual tension. And then the big day!
And it finally happened... the synchronized mecha fight was actually
kind of fun. I've found my own rose amidst this steaming pile
I've watched so far. But I have to admit, while the humor's
getting acceptable, I expected it to be a bit more dark and
sinister. Ah well, onward.

I couldn't agree more.

Episode 10 - She's planning on going on a school trip, but that bubble's burst
rather quickly as she's well reminded that she kind of has to be on
call all the time to fight angels. Again, we get the "Ugly
American" treatment from Asuka. And she's not even
American! She's German /Japanese (A match made in Axis heaven)
damnit! We get treated to NERV on standby... nothing but a lot
of magazine reading and coffee drinking. Like the staff at a
Kinkos when it's busy. But we're soon enough treated to the
devil-may-care power abuses of NERV when it's found another Angel has
landed in a pit of liquid hot magma. And it's a baby one in an
egg. Awww... it wants to destroy humanity. Asuka is
quickly set up for the mission... in a fat heat retardant suit and
protective shell for her EVA.

More ugly
Americanism... and bitching about how Kaji will see her... Arrgh!
I want to strangle this kid more than the editors at 4Kids
entertainment. Meanwhile her beloved Kaji is doing cryptic
meaningful super spy dialogue in a mountain gondola. The
operation is a success, pack it up and go home... Or is it?
The egg begins to hatch; of course, ant the UN military is on standby
to nuke the whole site should things go awry. Woo hoo!
Asuka may finally get what's coming to her! And Shinji can get
his comeuppance for being a little bitch! But of course, the
day winds up saved after three attempts at failure. And we wrap
the episode with a trip to a hot spring, an erection joke and some
fan service.

Lucky for Shinji, Thursday was the day he screweda lump of raw tuna.

Episode 11 - It seems that NERV personnel have to get their own dry cleaning like
the rest of us. As they go about their ho-hum morning routine
we all learn how society is really controlled by the 'magi', three
supercomputers that hand down all decisions. They then gush
about how great it is to live in the future. Shinji tries to
tell his dad he's not going to college but to vocational school, but
gets completely dissed. Poor lil' fella. All he wants is
to be accepted by his creepy distant world-controlling father.
And then, the power goes out. Of course yet another angel decides to
arrive. And with no power we get to see several scenes
unfold. Akagi tries her best to restore power. Shinji,
Rei and Asuka work their way into NERV headquarters with no way to
contact anyone. Misato and Kaji get some 'alone time' stuck in
an elevator shaft. And second string character Makoto Hyuga
shines as he tries to get in contact with NERV to warn of the
impending angel attack. As it all falls out, Shinji and the
gang bring up rather uncomfortable subjects, while Gendo gets his
hands dirty and helps manually prime the EVA for launch. They
then cope with the added difficulties that result from not having
your super-mecha launch tubes powered up while being attacked by an
angel with super battery acid as it's primary weapon. Of course
the day is once again saved, while our Misato is of course put in a
very compromising position no matter how innocent the time passed
with no power. At least now someone is finally asking the
question on everyone's mind "What's up with these angels
anyway?"

Episode 12 - So
now we take a look into the future. "The future Dean?"
Yes, all the way to the year, 2000! In the year
two-thous-and. In the year two-thousaaaand! In the
year 2000, the second impact will happen, rendering huge amounts of
life on planet earth lost including the entire scientific team sent
to investigate the angels. Ahahahaha! But
seriously folks, we learn that Misato had a firsthand view of the
proceedings. Her papa seemed to be in charge of the
expedition. A lot of this episode so far has to do with
Misato's advancement from Captain to Major. And frankly, it's
boring. Luckily, when things get dull an angel can show up!
This one's decided not to land on earth, but an orbital bombardment
is the key. For some reason I really like it when monsters use
tactics. Misato figures it'll be best to evacuate the city, and
then work out how to take this sucker down. But Akagi doesn't
like taking a huge risk, quoting the odds of beating this new angel
is 00.00001%. "Never tell me the odds," grumbles
Misato as she storms out of the ladies restroom. Or not.
It's really all running together as cliché' coup. So the
plan is all of the EVAs are going to catch the impacting mass.
Get the giant EVA catchers mitt (Why not? We've had the huge
sniper rifle and box cutters already...)After a bit of
exposition, the three units field catch the angel and stab it in the
eye. This results in Shinji getting an 'Attaboy' from Gendo.
And it's all he really wants is his father's approval.
Awww...

I'm just saying, if you don't want him to look atyour goodie parts, he should be in the lead.

Episode 13 - NERV is busy overclocking the super
computers that run all of Tokyo 3. They should really be able
to see some great detail in WoW now, or be able to run Windows
Vista. Afterwards there is a test scheduled for upgrading the
EVAs... which requires a nude co-ed walk down the hall involving Rei,
Shinji and Asuka. NERV then has to face it's toughest crisis
yet... Water damage in the basement! OK, corrosion in
several rooms, but either way everyone takes it as the worst news
ever, and how Gendo will "Chew their asses off". The
corrosion continues to wreck havoc, being as it's an angel. Now
everyone's comic longboxes are going to be worthless once the damp
sets in. They try everything to get rid of this stuff, but it
assimilates each attack like micro-borg. Then it's decided to
get a piece of the government pie by cracking the Supercomputer
Magi. So they buy a little time, and then totally overhaul the
Magi's systems again. Aw man, this case mod's gonna be
bitchin'! Finally they beat back the invading water damage, and
prevent the self-destruct. Meh, "War Games" was
better. Meanwhile, our EVA pilots are stuck in their respective
escape pods, complaining about their gratuitous nudity. The
end. BEST SERIES EVER!!!!

Episode 14 - It's the
flashback recap episode! Boo! I hate flashback recap
episodes! When I am King they will be totally obliterated.
Let me scan this episode for new material... Ah hah! A
secret SEELE meeting about the non-existent attack of the 11th angel
from the last episode, which could be something. And then another
cryptic foreboding about the message of the Dead Sea scrolls.
Commercial, then poetry. A little more new footage comes on,
involving tests that would let the EVA pilots hop around and pilot
any of the EVAs they might need to. Except Asuka, who's a lil'
beeyotch who cant share. Unit 00 then proceeds to go nuts.
I'm sensing a pattern, everything goes nuts. We cut around to
Shinji in the hospital, Asuka being confused, Gendo plotting, and
then Rei retrieving this huge thing called the "Spear of
Longinus". Wow, they must of used miracle grow on the
sucker since it pig stuck Jesus.

Episode 15 - This
episode opens not to action packed NERV missions, EVA training,
school hijinks or lowbrow humor. This is all about the
conspiracy thus far. Gendo conferring with his second in
command, Kaji doing super secret spy work with his contact "Crazy
Cat Lady". But then we cut to our school hijinks.
Asuka tries to raise Kaji on his phone, using the tactful "Help
me, I'm being molested" voice mail method. This is Japan,
he won't help you over something like that, he'll just pleasure
himself to your screams and wonder if you like it. The show
then becomes a Lifetime show where Misato will never be a bride and
she's gonna be a spinster, boo-hoo. Then Shinji proceeds to
creep me out by small talking with Rei about how she reminded him of
a mother, the way she wrung out a washcloth. Excuse me?
You garnered all that from how a washcloth is wrung? Dr. Phil
ain't got nothing on Shinji. And then: Daddy issues.
Shinji's got a meeting with Gendo, and he just cant' stop going
over old footage... I mean... remember his father. I'm starting
to see the downward spiral of the animation budget now.
Flashbacks are easy! Then we cut around the wedding Misato's
invited to. And gain nothing in the experience. Instead
we find Shinji at a bizarre badlands where simple gravestones are
erected. Being this is an anime, he's at the grave of his dead
mother. He chats for a bit with Gendo, and then is left behind
in the wastes while his dad jets off in NERV VTOL. The next 40
hours of this episode is about reliving old times at a wedding after
party at some bar, and Shinji having the most forced and awkward kiss
with Asuka of all time. Finally we end with some NERV secret
shenanigans involving Rei in a tube as Gendo slightly smiles upon
what he has done. Are we that satisfied putting young ladies in
tubes? Finally we see that NERV has the first angel, Lilith,
locked in the basement.

Why do they belong to the LARP club?

Episode 16 - Wacky morning hijinks lead right into more tests and things at NERV.
And finally another angel attack. I was missing them last
episode. You never know how much you miss rampaging giant
monsters until they're not there for a few episodes. This angel
looks like the best superball ever. Or a Godiva chocolate
truffle. They slowly coordinate an attack, pausing slightly to
emphasize the EVAs need to be plugged in, until Shinji's pulled
into a hole by the angel. All they can really do is abandon him
until they get a chance to figure out what's going on. Shinji
wigs out after his tube starts smelling like blood, then a plan is
hatched above! They're going to blow it all to hell.
In short, the Mythbusters are consulting on this episode.
Meanwhile, Shinji cracks up a little more, and the animation budget
is slashed again. To represent a self-dialogue, horizontal and
vertical lines are used spliced in with shots of Shinji riding a
train. And flashbacks. And discussions of nihilism.
It's like a student film gone horribly wrong! As the operation
to save Shinji resumes, unit 01 rips apart the superball in a torrent
of bloodspray too hot for "Ninja Scroll". We end with
the EVA being hosed down, and Shinji in the hospital. This is
truly where it all really starts to fall apart.

Episode 17 - This time we open with sinister debriefings of Misato that involve no
animation whatsoever. Then we cut to Shinji's pal, Toji, on his
visit to his totally crippled sister. Meanwhile, NERV finds out
their base in Nevada gets nuked big time. We're ten treated to
more Rei-in-tube service. Apparently they're working in a sort
of autopilot for the EVAs using the pilot's personalities.
Meh. Shinji and Toji take a trip to the projects to drop off
Rei's schoolwork. They then have a man to man, followed by Rei
getting embarrassed by Shinji's tidy nature. Gendo does a bit
more plotting on the train, and then Kaji drops a little taste of the
truth on Misato's doorstep. I'd be glad for the subterfuge
change of pace... if it was presented better. We also learn
Kaji grows melons. Who knew? Who cares? Either way,
the rest of the episode focuses on Toji getting news that he's
the fourth child. This entire episode has played the pausing
game every other scene. And of course, no action either.
Le sigh.

Gendo releases his furious laser eye attack!

Episode 18 - We
watch as an EVA is being airlifted to Japan. Plenty more school
days BS rolling through. All I really gleaned from it this time
is 1) Koji is the new EVA pilot and is hesitant to tell Shinji.
2) Misato will be gone for a while getting the new EVA set up and 3)
All these damn kids learn about at school is about the second
impact. Every time there's an actual class taking place, it's
about the second impact. No gym? Classical literature?
Maths??? Japanese school without maths, it is to laugh.
We end up with the folks at NERV screwing the pooch and causing yet
another explosion of extraordinary magnitude. Then it's going
to be hot EVA on EVA action as the newly minted Unit 03 runs amok
with it's pilot inside. Oh, and in case it wasn't hammered home
for the viewer by now (With ham fists aplenty) Toji is the pilot.
Asuka is the first one to receive a but-whoopin of non-animated
magnitude. Rei gets hers next, but she gets a little animation
of her pwning. Finally it's up to Shinji, but he's got his
doubts. There's a human in there! Oh god my dilemma!
Well, since he's not taking his initiative, unit 03 begins to choke a
bitch. Well, if Shinji won't do it, then Gendo has the new
autopilot kicked in. And man, this autopilot horrifically tears
the new EVA asunder. Bloodspray and gore flung all over the
city until the pilot's pod is crushed. We cut back to the
original test site. None of the main characters there died, so
it was a bad day to be a red shirt. But hey, at least Shinji
gets more mental trauma when he sees his buddy Toji pulled out of the
wreckage half dead.

Episode 19 - Shinji's pissed. He's taken his EVA off the umbilicus and has
about three minutes worth of city stomping he's about to lay on NERV
headquarters. Some terrorist, he hasn't even made any demands
clear yet. So Gendo just has them use the remote force choke to
make Shinji black out. At the hospital, Toji's is making
a recovery while having a lucid dream or two. He deserves it,
missing a leg and all. Meanwhile Shinji's in the pokey, and
quickly given his walking orders to not let the doorknob hit him on
the ass on the way out. That's a little slap on the wrist for
almost destroying humanity's last defense against the angels. I
don't care if he is a minor, string em' up! Of course just as
he's about to head out, and an angel attacks. Asuka and Rei
scramble, with Rei taking Shinji's place. Unfortunately EVA 01
rejects her like a bad kidney. She says she'll tough it out,
cryptically posing "If I die, I can be replaced".
Asuka is the only one up to bat, and is ripped to ribbons. At
least she was given the courtesy of being animated for this one.
Her EVA's head crashes directly into the shelter that Shinji's in.
He gets to witness all those civilians get crushed firsthand.
This kind of mental anguish would be akin to strapping down Charlie
Brown and flaying Snoopy alive in front of him. EVA 01 isn't
having any other master today though, so Gendo sets out to find
Shinji. Meanwhile, Shinji is dreamily watching the carnage
unfold, and stumbles across Kaji, who's watering his melons.
Kaji stresses upon a good point, he'd rather be out doing what he
loves when he dies, because if Shinji doesn't do squat the
Angels will find Adam, and the third impact will doom all mankind.
But Rei pops out with the suicide squeeze play. She rams a nuke
right next to the angel and gives it what for. But this
ultimately fails. Shinji hulks out and starts laying down some
smack, mano-y-mano. He loses one of his EVA's arms to the
process, but at least it ends up with Gendo covered in blood.
While Shinji holds his own for a bit, really feeling his bezerker
rage, he runs out of power. Should have use the copper top
man... The angel quickly moves to disable the threat. But
whatever the EVA's really made out of wakes up, and starts ripping
the angels a new one. It even regenerates itself using the new
angel's parts. It then proceeds to chow down on the angel's
still moving carcass. Now that's good eatin'!

"I told you it wasn't ready to pop!"

Episode 20 -They
get to the clean up work, monumental task it may be. One of the
bridge bunnies complains of the crappy chairs in the secondary
control room. Excuse me? You watched a skyscraper-sized
monster eat another skyscraper-sized monster a few hours ago and
what's really cramping your day is how comfy your chair will be?
Anyway, they can't get Shinji out of the EVA; he's been totally
absorbed by it somehow. The next day, Rei awakens (Wounded Rei
count 4, drink). Meanwhile Asuka laments being a loser by
breaking random crap around the apartment. The next day
(They're giving me placards when the days change, how nice) we learn
that Shinji has become Shinji soup and the only way to get him out of
it is to do something totally radical and paradigm shifting... or
something. In any case it'll cost a lot of money and give some
physicists boners. The fourth day arrives and Shinji must have
taken the brown acid. We're treated to a slideshow of his life
up to this point going by at 100mph. Then we skip ahead to the
thirtieth day. We learn this kind of rescue has been tried
before, but they failed. Day 31 treats us to poetry and more
flashbacks. More and more the entire series becomes one big
clip show... and as stated before clip shows=suck fest. Whoa,
fan service ahoy! Each of our female leads get a lean in shot
over and over again asking Shinji to become one with them.
Lucky for him he's in a steam of lucid dreams.... and liquefied, or
else he'd have to change his sheets. Well NERV tries
their best to make Shinji solid again, but ultimately fail, and just
as all hope is lost... Shinji wakes up in the hospital again.
They really got their moneys worth out of that shot. Oh, wait,
they still failed. Misato clutches at Shinji's empty
suit, but it seems to be having an effect in the art-film collage
we're calling Shinji now. We have a crude drawing of baby
Shinji suckling at his mama's teat for about an hour as he's reminded
of better times. The EVA then proceeds to spit Shinji up,
obviously horrified at how much this show is really piling on the
DEEP HURTING. Day thirty-three. Misato and Akagi discuss
the last few days, but Misato feels the need for some sweet love down
by the fire and boots Akari to the curb. So Misato heads over
to Kaji's for some dirty sex and information. We don't happen
to get wither, but Misato gets a pill. In the immortal words of
Bozo the Clown... "What the Fuck Kids?!!!"

Episode 21 - The
vice-commander has gone missing. Kaji is involved somehow with
his kidnapping, while Misato is detained as another suspect.
The vice-commander is in a very dark room where we get our first
taste of the "Sound Only" SEELE monolith holograms.
Normally when hobnobbing with Gendo they're holograms in their
original human form... but I guess secrecy can be maintained better
now that the animation budget slowly trickles away (Wait till the
voice acting one dries up, I hear it's a doozie of an ending).
So I guess we're treated to the origins episode. NERV had to
start somewhere, and we'll actually get some new animations. It
all starts in 1999, where the vice-captain was a mere college
professor and gets mixed up with Gendo and Yui (Gendo's soon to be
wife). Now here is a strange point of order... Gendo
takes his wife's name as his surname. Ikari was her maiden name
and doing such an act is usually held in a place of shame for the
Japanese. I think we all know who wore the ol' pantaloons in
that family. We jump around in pre-history some more finding
the expeditions to the 2nd impact site and the origins of creating
the first EVA. But we keep jumping to the present for no good
reason other than identifying the characters we're about to talk
about in the flashbacks. We watch as Akagi and her mother
tackle the building of the Magi, while Gendo picks up Akari's mom on
the rebound when his wife dies. It ends badly, really badly.
Akagi's mom strangles a young Rei, and I can only assume some freaky
scanners type crap goes on off camera because all we see in the
aftermath is an adult chalk outline and a splattering of blood.
And in the present Kaji finally gets his comeuppance for meddling in
the affairs of SEELE and NERV for too long.

And I myself hate Evangelion.

Episode 22 - OK, this episode opens on a B&W picture of Asuka at a
young age holding someone's hand in a graveyard during a rainstorm.
While we slowly pan out we hear the worst examples of German accents
ever. I swear it's like they're trying to do German and Russian
accents at the same time. Back to our current timeline, Asuka
seems to be slipping. Her piloting scores are waaaay down, so
NERV decides to cut dead weight and put all their efforts in
repairing unit 00 instead. Also it seems that they're ramping
up production of EVAs. Oh yeah, there's some good news.
Giant barely controlled robots set about to defend our green
earth... I know we all know how this series ends up, but it's
like watching lemmings run off a cliff (After being herded by Disney
staffers of course). Over the next few scenes we learn Asuka's
on the rag... hard. Spliced into the general bitchyness and
self-loathing she feels because Shinji bests her all the time is
another degree of DEEP HURTING. I swear there is an elevator
ride with Rei and Asuka that takes about a half an hour, no talking,
no movement, just the hum of the elevator scooting along. When
someone finally speaks it generally becomes another bitch-fest from
Asuka ending with Rei getting slapped this time. But the time
for loathing is over, because it's time for another angel attack.
(For those of you playing at home, if we take out the angels from
before the series and the ones that couldn't attack an EVA we have 12
giant robot battles in the series so far. We are totally under
par for this series by having eight episodes without a giant robot
battle thus far.) Rei is chosen to take this one out,
but Asuka bumps up the schedule and launches anyway. As she
lines up to fire the angel puts on an angelic chorus and light show
that begins totally screwing with her mind. NERV does the
runabout panic it's known for while Asuka is assaulted by blips of
the kanji for words such as "Shame", "Menstruation"
and "Double Suicide". NERV then decides to use the
Spear of Longinus to skewer this angel. Rei tosses the spear
and rips apart the angel, and then the spear gets stuck in the moon's
orbit. This pretty much wraps up Asuka's career, being as she
really hasn't been useful in a while.

Episode 23 - Everyone's got the blues... Misato's locked in her room
listening to Kaji's last message over and over again (I don't see it
as getting killed at this point, I see it as avoiding the rush) while
Asuka shacks up at the female classmate's house (Meh, never bothered
to learn her name, being as she's not that important). And
Penpen just looks on... My god, why even bother with the bleeding
penguin at this point? All he's been since the first episode is
set dressing, and bad set dressing at that. The reason the
animation budget was screwed was because you just had to put a
crowned penguin into a majority of episodes, wasn't it? Well,
at least another angel attacks to break up this mope-fest. Rei
launches to fight the... er... giant ring in the sky? It's like
they aren't even trying with the angels anymore. "OK,
here's this week's angel... its a... Parallelogram that shoot
fire! Ooooo!" In any case, it quickly becomes a
squiggly line of some sort and starts drilling into unit 00.
They launch Asuka, but she's worthless now. Her power level is
a mere 10% according to the scouter. So Rei becomes more creepy
alien wank fodder what with the writhing and pulsating.

Japanese health class is confusing.

Rei blacks out and is
treated to a surreal scene with herself... speaking as the angel of
course. Apparently the angel wants to become a part of Rei,
being as she's so lonely. Foreshadowing... NOT FOR WIMPS!
Shinji is launched, but it's too late. Rei's EVA explodes in a
most sufficient fashion. After the commercial they hose
whatever's left of Rei out of her escape pod, and SEELE deliberates
on the last angel, Gendo's agenda, and other important matters.
We're treated to a bit of sadness over the loss of Rei, but nope,
she's alive. And wounded (Wounded Rei count 5, drink). Of
course she seems to have a bit of amnesia on how she feels about a
few things *Cough*clone*Cough*. SEELE then decides to get a
look at their newest candidate to keep Gendo in line Akagi.
She's stripped down and bearing it all for the monoliths. The
plot thickens as Misato decides to use all the information Kaji
gathered to finally take matters into her own hands. She
demands Akagi take her to see everything NERV is up to, but Shinji is
in attendance as well. We get to see where the Rei clones get
their training to be human, the EVA failure lot, and the big fish
tank of Rei clones. Akagi spills it all; the Reis are for the
dummy plug autopilots they were working on while EVAs themselves are
vessels for human souls. She then proceeds to dissolve the Rei
clones and break down over losing Gendo.

Damn, girl's got a vein-filled six-pack!

Episode 24 - Oh-Kay... We open this episode with Asuka going a bit nuts.
She's reminiscing about when she fist became an EVA candidate and
found her mother dead from hanging herself. She's reminiscing
about all this from a wrecked house where she proceeded to take off
her clothes, fold them, and then get in the mostly untouched tub.
We then find out that Akagi's been gettin' it on with Gendo.
And to think, she probably told herself she wouldn't be like her
mother when she grew up. Shinji walks about the desolated upper
area of Tokyo-3, lamenting that he's quite alone with no playmates,
when someone starts humming "Ode to Joy" from a rocky
outcropping. Kaoru Nagita is the newest pilot for the EVAs and
he's mysterious, having no records and being born the day Second
Impact happened. He's immediately able to boot up Asuka's EVA
and creeps out Rei immediately. Now we get to the infamous
homosexual accusations of the series. Kaoru is quite adamant
about knowing when Shinji's off to the showers... Inviting Shinji to
take a shower with him. In the shower Kaoru really pours it on,
philosophically and showing off how smart and mature he is while
putting the moves on Shinji with a brisk handhold. Leading up
to the "I love you" that made every fan girl get her 'Hello
Kitty' panties wet while they yelled "Squee!" God,
anime fan girls are the worst... and possibly another reason this
series is such a bestseller.

It's fun to stay at the N...E...R...V!

The SEELE monoliths
continue to plot Gendo's downfall, Gendo talks to unit 01 as he would
his wife about his eeeevil plan and Rei simply ponders why she's
still alive. Misato has a heart to heart with PenPen, who's
going to be sent away to a safer place. Blah blah blah.
They're running out of time for story, so I guess they're busy
jumping around to set up for the end. It all ends up with Kaoru
being the last angel, and he starts up EVA unit 02. "Ode
to Joy" is played at full blast as the end gets underway.
Kaoru starts down towards Lilith, and Shinji is scrambled to
intercept. But this doesn't bode well; he just won't
accept Kaoru is an angel. During the falling fight, both units
and Kaoru fall to the bottom layer where Lilith is sealed.
Kaoru quickly opens the last door with his mind and waltzes in.
However, he stops short of his goal as Shinji tosses unit 02 away
like so much garbage. Kaoru decides it's Shinji who should
live, since he made Kaoru's life wonderful. For the next half
an hour we're treated to stillness as Shinji grasps Kaoru in a not-so
fitting tribute to the cover of Queen's "News of the World".

Seriously.

He finally pops Kaoru like a nasty zit then heads back to hose off his EVA. Before I go on... I have seen Dues Ex Machina before, but this Kaoru
crap takes the cake. SEELE's plan is to put an angel right in
NERV's base. And that angel can proceed to convince everyone
he's A-OK immediately? Sure, there are doubts, but no one acts
on them and it leads right to this. It's so stupid! There
was no time to even valid up a sense of trust in Shinji, but yet he
decides Kaoru must be his bestest buddy no problem. He isn't
even creeped out by the whole "Touching" crap in the bath?
I know he's a weak willed snot, but this is just too much. I
hate you Hideaki Anno.... With the very essence of my soul.

Episode 25 - We recap the last episode, and then get treated to Shinji in
a folding chair, burying his face in his hands and questioning
everything he has done. This is all spliced with old animation
clips and whorled art as Shinji continues to question all he is and
has achieved. And then we study the other characters as
well.... And do you know how this is being achieved? They're
splicing in old soundtracks and clips in such a way to make new
footage. This is the bottoming out of the series. All the
budgets are GONE, and we're left with this attempt at an ending.
In short, it's becoming another clip episode, and again... see above
where they can shove clip episodes. Anyway... All this
serves to do is help unravel what has happened over the entire series
from each character's point of view. After the commercial break
we're treated to nude Shinji hugging his knees to his chest...
And we talk of the beginning of Instrumentality (BTW, Akari's shot
and floating in a pool of the soul-fluid that Shinji turned into once
and is constantly bleeding out of Lilith. Misato's also dead,
but this too couldn't be animated because of the fact there's no
money. Let's carry on).

Seriously, when the hell did this happen?

But this isn't the end
of Misato and Akagi, oh no... They have to discuss Misato's life now
and how much of a whore she desires to be. This is really...
really beginning to suck hard. We study Asuka's mental problems
and traumas a bit, then present Shinji again who's told how the world
has changed, and how it was his wish to let it be destroyed.
This presentation is awful. It's rumored that the
writer/director, Hideaki Anno, got death threats over this ending.
I can see why.

This is one of the more sane scenesfrom this episode.

Episode 26 - The
cover-up of the lost animation budget continues! The first
thing we see is a disclaimer stating, as follows... "In the year
2016, this is the completion of what man's mind had lost,
Instrumentality continues. However, there is not enough time to
show the entire process. Therefore, for now, we will examine one
mind, that of the boy, Shinji Ikari." Why do I even bother
to keep reviewing? This can't end well at all, especially
production wise. All I'm getting is shop suey of a discussion
on what mankind was, is and shall become. I continue to get
this chopped up bits of old episodes and still re-dubbed to keep this
ongoing discussion on how mankind should exist. It's not really
worth commenting on at all. So far it's all about self-loathing
and a constant stream of the question "Are you happy?"
Oh, and in addition to the old footage and stills they're splicing in
B&W photographs of weird static objects around Japan like stairs
and fences. I'm being smothered in art and depth here.
OK, so through all the discussion on what we can do with our
perceptions of reality we come to the end, and we get new footage.
Shinji awakens in a nice room with all of his things and Asuka is
shaking him. She insists that he wake up so they can get to
school in the traditional crappy school-comedy-drama fashion.
This farce plays out for a bit then we cut back to the self-loathing
and discussion of "Reality" as before. Shinji
then comes to the realization that he can love life and himself, and
breaks free of the Instrumentality. And I'm going to spoil the
ending for you, right here, right now. Behold, what all this
leads up to...

All the characters stand around Shinji and applaud, while saying "Congratulations"
in turn. Even the damned penguin.

I've finally watched all of the Evangelion television series. I now hate
it. And that is my reality. That is the myself that I am.

For those of you who
like this series, that call it "Art" and that I don't
get it I assure you, I do. It's just how the concepts are
presented that I hate. Not to mention how the good bits are
constantly railroaded by the demand for cute animals, fan service,
and crappy anime clichés. Now I have been told that you can
only really respect this series if you watch the entire series and
both of the movies. And that's just what I'm going to
do. Until then, courage.