Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Old Beginnings 18

1. The rumour spread through the city like wildfire (which had quite often spread through Ankh-Morpork since its citizens had learned the words 'fire insurance').

The dwarfs can turn lead into gold . . .It buzzed through the fetid air of the Alchemists' quarter, where they had been trying to do the same thing for centuries without success but were certain that they'd manage it by tomorrow, or next Tuesday at least, or the end of the month for definite.

2. Charles was rather short for a midget. Even for a circus midget. Raising a tiny fist, he punched his kneeling comrade in the shoulder blade. “Why can’t you be more accommodating?” he shouted up at the back of Milovan’s shirt collar.

Milovan twisted his head around and looked behind him at Charles standing two feet below. “You’re asking me for too much, you little pervert. That’s why.”

3. If this typewriter can't do it, then fuck it, it can't be done.

This is the all-new Remington SL3, the machine that answers the question, "Which is harder, trying to read The Brothers Karamazov while listening to Stevie Wonder records or hunting for Easter eggs on a typewriter keyboard?" This is the cherry on top of the cowgirl. The burger served by the genius waitress. The Empress card.

I sense that the novel of my dreams is in the Remington SL3--although it writes much faster than I can spell. And no matter that my typing finger was pinched last week by a giant land crab. This baby speaks electric Shakespeare at the slightest provocation and will rap out a page and a half if you just look at it hard.

4. THERE were four of us--George, and William Samuel Harris, and myself, and Montmorency. We were sitting in my room, smoking, and talking about how bad we were--bad from a medical point of view I mean, of course.

We were all feeling seedy, and we were getting quite nervous about it. Harris said he felt such extraordinary fits of giddiness come over him at times, that he hardly knew what he was doing; and then George said that he had fits of giddiness too, and hardly knew what he was doing. With me, it was my liver that was out of order. I knew it was my liver that was out of order, because I had just been reading a patent liver-pill circular, in which were detailed the various symptoms by which a man could tell when his liver was out of order. I had them all.

5. That evening it was dark early, which was normal for the time of year. It was cold and windy, which was normal.

It started to rain, which was particularly normal.

A spacecraft landed, which was not.

There was nobody around to see it except for some spectacularly stupid quadrupeds who hadn't the faintest idea what to make of it, or whether they were meant to make anything of it, or eat it, or what. So they did what they did to everything, which was to run away from it and try to hide under each other, which never worked.

Old Beginnings 18

1. The Truth.....Terry Pratchett2. "The Circus Hand's Desertion".....Daniel Pearlman3. Still Life with Woodpecker.....Tom Robbins4. Three Men in a Boat.....Jerome K. Jerome5. So Long and Thanks for All the Fish.....Douglas Adams

Eighteen years since I read #4 and I recognized it by the tenth word. It was damn funny. I should read it again. It's British though, so not everyone's kind of humour. Thought I recognized #5, too. The movie cut out my favourite part.

#4 is possibly the funniest book I've ever read; I've never read it all the way through at a sitting because I always have to stop to let the face cramps subside. It's British and over a hundred years old, so the language is a little different. #1 is one of the better books by the author, who's one of the funniest people still writing; lately, he's been writing a little more story and a little less comedy. If you're familiar with his work, the parenthetical in the first sentence is quite funny; if you aren't, I expect it's annoying or even puzzling.

1. This was okay, but except for Ankh-Morpork as a name and the discovery of fire insurance, it's not particularly funny. As a set-up for comedy to come, it's working. But I'm not sure I'd read on.

2. Circus midgets--not my thing. Even the addition of perverts doesn't make me laugh. Unless the author is someone I want to read from past experience, I would stop here.

3. I have the feeling I've read this (eons ago, when a Remington SL3 would have been new!). I don't actually remember this bit, but find that it's hilarious as written. The leap in technology has taken some of the shine off. I'd keep reading though.

4. Old people sitting around complaining about their ills--can be a pain or can be humorous. Here it's funny and I just know something more is going to happen. Not sure why this works, it seems so simple, but maybe that's it.

5. I may have read this one, too. It has a charming start. Love the quadrupeds and their reaction. I'd keep reading.

#3. When I got to the cowgirl, I thought this was Tom Robbins, but then I was pretty sure it wasn't Even Cowgirls Get the Blues..so I was too chicken to say in my post (before checking) what I suspected. Such a wimp I am. (At least that vague recollection of reading it, and #5, was correct.)

Oh! MY! God! Three Men In a Boat! This is one of my all-time favorite books - absolutely hilarious. I read this when I was in my teens and I still have it along with its companion Three Men on a Bummel. I still laugh out loud when I reread them every few years.