THOMAS TASCHINGER: April Fool's Day exposes politicians

By Thomas Taschinger

Published 2:20 am, Sunday, March 31, 2013

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day, so if someone says you won the lottery, don't quit your job. In Washington, however (where some think it's always April Fool's Day) the special day will enthusiastically celebrated.

From one end of town to the other, senators and staffers, bureaucrats and back-benchers will be pulling prank after prank on each other, saying things they really don't mean and then shouting "April Fool's!" (I think you're supposed to chuckle politely when they finish.)

Some of the best gags might go like this:

President Obama: "I've been thinking about this darned Obamacare, and it looks like a slow-motion train wreck, doesn't it? I mean the thing has more regulations than the tax code and will cost more than a new fleet of stealth bombers. I oughta tell Congress I blew this one big time and we need to bag it before it destroys what's left of our 'recovery'."

House Speaker John Boehner: "Look, I know I keep promising to cooperate with Obama, but it's not gonna happen! I don't like the guy, he doesn't like me. Even if I would give him a break, the Tea Party would crucify me - again, I might add. ... Besides, if I gum up the works, I can complain that the Democrats aren't getting anything done."

Sen. John McCain: "Yeah, I'm old - old and cranky. Got a problem with that?"

Donald Trump: "OK, I have been shooting my mouth off too much. I need to ratchet it down when it comes to politics and stick to what I know - making truckloads of money and finding trophy wives. ... And I never believed all that hokum about Obama being born in Kenya. I was just trying to pump up the ratings for 'Celebrity Apprentice.' I mean, can ya blame me?"

Nancy Pelosi: "No, I haven't had any work done on my face; why do you ask? I swear, I haven't!"

VP Joe Biden: "Guys, the secret is out: Half the time I don't know what I'm talking about, and the other half I'm trying to be funny so someone will like me. I ran out of gas a decade ago and I've been winging it ever since. ... And why won't Obama return my phone calls?"

Mitt Romney: "Would you like to see my 16-point plan for revitalizing America and inspiring our citizenry? I think if I had rolled this baby out six months ago, I'd be taking calls in the Oval Office."

Michelle Obama: "Do I like hanging around with Joe and Jill Biden at all those events? Absolutely! Is there any reason I wouldn't?"

Warren Buffett: "Yeah, I really do want to pay more in taxes. No, seriously, I do!"

Sen. Rand Paul: "That filibuster was the best free commercial I could've ever dreamed up! I know that no one thought Obama was gonna take out a terrorist on U.S. soil with a drone, but it was ratings gold. I just might ride this all the way to the GOP nomination in '16. Who do you like better for my running mate, Michele Bachmann or Herman Cain?"

Hillary Clinton: "Thank God that gig as secretary of state is over! I flew more miles than Google's VP of sales, and I had a bunch of nosy reporters following me the whole way. Who cares what the prime minister of Baluchistan thinks about oil prices? And the food; yuck! Is it too early to form an exploratory committee for my presidential run?"