Rembert Explains the ’80s: Baltimora, ‘Tarzan Boy’

Welcome back to our series Rembert Explains the ’80s. Every so often, we’ll e-mail 25-year-old Rembert Browne a video from the 1980s that he hasn’t seen. Rembert will write down his thoughts as he’s watching it, then we’ll post those thoughts here. This week’s installment was selected by Grantland Editor-in-Chief Bill Simmons: “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora. If you have an idea for a future episode of Rembert Explains the ’80s, e-mail us at hollywood@grantland.com.

0:00 I know about “Tarzan” and “Baltimore,” but “Tarzan Boy” and “Baltimora”? Not so much.

0:01 NEVER MIND. I know a jam after one ’80s synth note.

0:06 This has happened before, but I don’t know if the song is called “Tarzan Boy” or if that’s the name of the group.

0:08 I really don’t know what’s going on, but what I see are two guys dancing on a pamphlet titled “Tarzan Boy.” More updates to come.

0:09 BLESS YOU, MTV.

The artist/song title/album name/record label four-line bio is such a throwback. I love and miss that. Do kids today even know about these four lines? Wow, they don’t, do they? This is bad.

0:13 In case you were wondering, the synth riff is still going strong. Also, these two dancing guys look like low-quality GIFs. It’s great.

0:36 “Jungle life” is the best way to start any verse. Take note, other musicians.

0:37 Solo Baltimora.

0:40 TILED BALTIMORA.

0:43 I’ve never listened to this song’s lyrics beyond THE CHANT and “Jungle life.” Just heard “On my own, like Tarzan Boy.” This weirdly makes me want to watch George of the Jungle.

0:45 I get it, someone knows how to tile images.

Congrats, Balitmora AV Club, but feel free to stop at any point.

0:48 The quality of this video is confusing.

In the ’80s, did everything look this horrible, or is this just what happens when a VHS tape is left out in the sun and then somehow turned into a YouTube video?

0:51 Just heard something about “Monkey Business.” WHY DOES RED BOX NOT HAVE GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE.

0:53 His dance moves are half “I’m at a rave” and half “I’m in Pilates class.” This is amazing.

1:08 Nothing really to report, seeing as that it’s just been tiling for 12 seconds.

1:25 I’m pretty sure they copied and pasted the footage from the first chorus to the second one. This is beginning to get a little stale.

1:29 NEVER MIND.

NIGHT TO NIGHT. GIMME LE ORDER, GIMME LE ORDER.

1:58 Back to his Pilates strip-tease/rave mating call. This is an odd video. Very odd.

2:12 Just noticed the amount of caked-on makeup he’s wearing. I wonder what his real face looks like. For all I know, under all those layers, he could easily be a young black woman.

2:18 Yep.

Definitely is.

2:23 WHAT IS JUNGLE LIFE?

2:30 I know he’s saying “Tarzan Boy,” but the last time I swear I heard “all alone, like snazzz snazzzz’s zboy.”

2:37 They’ve pulled a fast one on all of us. They’re just looping four clips over and over again. I’ve seen this image over 40 times in less than three minutes.

COME ON, SNAZZ SNAZZZ’S ZBOY.

2:46 This song is nonsense, right? It’s not secretly about some ethnic conflict in Baltimora among the Tarzans? Please say that’s not true.

2:52 NOPE.

Not even close. Thanks for clearing that up, Snazzz Snaz.

2:53 I beg of you, please stop tiling this image. It’s pure torture.

3:19 This song and video couldn’t be more repetitive, and it’s beginning to drive me crazy. I think I’m losing it. Yep, definitely losing it.

3:23 This is bad. They should use this for interrogations. Do they use this for interrogations? Is this what Jack Bauer would play to get answers when the old “spoon in eye” trick wasn’t producing results? Probs.

3:25 I’m done. Unprompted, I just told war secrets to everyone within 50 feet of me. Sorry, America, for I have failed you. Blame Baltimora.

3:34 Even though I’m completely brain dead, I’m not mad at this last tile, only because of the four-liner.