The Bad News of Just Being Yourself

Every Friday night, my family has movie night. Something has recently marred the whole experience though, mostly for me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think I can watch contemporary family films with my kids anymore. The main problem? A major theme in most of these stories is something of a false gospel about finding freedom in being true to yourself.

Of course I’ve heard the message about being yourself all my life, and it’s pretty much the bottom line of most commencement speeches. Follow your passions. Just be yourself. Look inside your heart, and you’ll find the answers. But watching movies with my children where these themes are an emphasis is making me hyper aware of the phenomenon. My issue with this theme is that it’s pretty much the opposite of what my wife and I are trying to teach our kids about living a life of repentance and dependence on God—that is, dying to “yourself”.

I started to notice this theme most acutely when we saw the musical film The Greatest Showman. The most popular song from the film is “This Is Me.” It’s a powerful tune coupled with powerful cinematography, and I, in part, want to support what the song is about in the sense that it pushes back against prejudice. It’s performed by the fictionalized stars of P.T. Barnum’s circus freak show in response to the hatred they receive. But listen these words:

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

This song speaks to so many of us because it echoes back what we’re often telling each other and ourselves: #youdoyou. If you don’t both accept and applaud my self-expression, then you’re a hater and I don’t want to know you. Get out of my filter bubble. Thus, “This Is Me” is the implicit theme song of so many of our lives.

A much more honest and perceptive song in The Greatest Showman is “Never Enough.” It’s more in touch with human desire, idolatry, and finitude: “These hands could hold the world but it’ll/Never be enough.” Indeed, no amount of me expressing myself will ever be enough either. I’ll always crave new forms of self-expression.

“This Is Me” is a quite recent example, but Elsa said basically the same thing in Frozen when she broke free of the ice shackles in her kingdom of isolation and “Let It Go”:

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I’ve tried
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

Again, there is a double edge to all this because I like the aspects of these songs that are countering shame, hate, and discrimination. But ultimately I can’t shake the sense that their punchlines are stroking our collective egos and perpetuating a misleading myth that freedom is found in just accepting who we are. What if the authentic me that everyone is telling me to assert happens to be a selfish and manipulative person who uses others as a means to my own ends? Must you accept it because I’m being who I’m meant to be? This is me. I’m letting it go. I won’t let you hold the real me back anymore.

The worst part all of this for me is that Christian stories are being co-opted by this parasitic gospel too. For instance, we recently tried to watch the latest film version of A Wrinkle in Time (2018). The movie repackages what was originally a Madeleine L’Engle allegory of Christian themes into a heavy-handed myth of New Age pantheistic confusion and self-acceptance. The gem line from the film is when Oprah, playing Mrs. Which, says, “You just have to find the right frequency…and have faith in who you are.”

I wish I were making this one up! When we got to the scene where Zach Galifianakis playing Happy Medium leads everyone in a yoga circle to “find the right frequency,” I couldn’t take it anymore and insisted we turn it off. I can only assume the rest of the film was full of guidance that the protagonist Meg Murry defeat the powers of darkness by simply expressing her authentic self.

The worst example for me was in a Biblical cartoon my wife found online and played for my daughters on our computer. While I was in the other room, I overheard some strange things in this version of Moses and the Exodus (not The Price of Egypt, mind you). The final straw that broke me was when God in the burning bush told Moses to look inside himself for the guidance he needed to lead Israel out of Egypt. I couldn’t believe it: this narcissistic message has now infected even so-called Biblical content. I yelled at the counterfeit Yahweh on the screen and told my kids, “God never told Moses to look inside his heart for guidance. That is a damnably misleading lie, girls.” My kids were stunned; my wife about died laughing.

This message of self-acceptance is not just the stuff of family films either. I recently bought tickets to a musical version of The Color Purple because I wanted to take my wife on a date, and it was the big thing at our local theater. The story combats themes of prejudice and sexism, and like I’ve said before, I want to honor these things. Nonetheless, there was a surreal moment when one of the songs, “I’m Here,” ended with these words forcefully belted out by the lead character Celie:

But most of all
I’m thankful for
Loving who I really am.
I’m beautiful.
Yes, I’m beautiful,
And I’m here.

At the sustained ending, the entire audience shot upright to a roaring standing ovation. They wanted an encore, and the show wasn’t even over. Why? Because subconsciously this song mirrored back to all of us in that theater what we want to hear and often tell ourselves. “I’m here” is what most social media accounts, bumper stickers, and consumer choices are telling the world. To express oneself is a primary value for our times, and family films are simply emphasizing the spirit of the age.

I realize I might sound curmudgeonly, and that there are otherways of viewingthesemovies. But I’m convinced this theme of being true to ourselves is not just misleading but crushing because we’re actually broken and in need of restoration. Sorry, but I’m not who I’m meant to be. In the face of the God of glory, I do make apologies. And you better believe I apologize for who I am to my wife and kids every single day. Yeah, I’m here, but I’m a mess. I’m certainly bruised, but I’m not brave. When I tap into the right frequency, the universe tells me not to have faith in myself because I’m weak and afraid. I really wish I were more like who I was meant to be, but I’m not. At least, not yet.

The Christian message sits in opposition to these themes on two fronts. First, we are not basically good people but sinners. Certainly, we’re made in the image of God, but we’re unfortunately still sinners. Second, we find freedom and healing not by looking inside of ourselves, but by looking outside of ourselves at someone else, namely Jesus Christ. And this is a message of extreme comfort—infinitely more comforting than messages of self-acceptance and expression that will let us down and alienate others.

So will our family keep watching contemporary family films on Fridays? Honestly, I don’t know right now. Maybe we’ll take up board games for a little while instead.

I’m in a similar spot with my kids. The only kids movie I have found that fought the trend was The Boxtrolls.

When the dust clears at the end of the movie, the real villain is revealed to be unrelenting personal desire – the kind that makes people declare passionately – “I will be who I want to be no matter what.” And the viewer is treated to a life lesson about how that desire distorts community, harms others, and isn’t so great for oneself either.

Have you watched Moana or Coco with your family? They both turn on the relationship of the individual and their gifts to the family group—they won’t of course preach our need for Christ because they’re secular films, but I found them to be genuinely refreshing in their positive appraisal of community vs. individual desires.

I wonder, though, if the be-yourself message (definitely incomplete!) can be used as a starting point with children to teach both the trust that in Christ we are enabled to become who God made us to be, which is both very unlike who we are apart from him and a true and real source of uniqueness, and that it’s important not to listen to human denigrations of each other’s individuality? I do not think “people cannot tell me I am not worthwhile as I am” and “I am a sinner in need of Christ” are necessarily at odds with one another; indeed, it’s Christ who is our judge, not other people (a useful layer of armor against schoolyard bullies, office gossipers, oppressive governments, and insecure bosses alike!).

Bailey, I think you have a great perspective. If you read the Bible, you cannot help but come away with an understanding that God is a storyteller, and since we are created in His image, we too tell and love stories. After all, when God became a man in order to reveal his true character to us, how did he teach people? Through stories! Some of those stories weren’t always pretty (the parable of the ten minas, where the king ends up killing a bunch of his subjects, Luke 19:11-27). And some of those stories used the examples of ungodly people to teach spiritual truths (the parable of the unjust steward).

My wife and I have been in ministry to kids for several years, and one of our favorite teaching tools is movies. We watch Disney movies and superhero movies (I screen them first) and find spiritual truths to share. For example, Thor is about a spoiled selfish son whose father (the King, Odin) sends him on a journey that he does not want to go on, but it is where he learns how to be a noble ruler by laying down his life for others. We deal with the movies about finding yourself in terms of how God gives each of his children a unique piece of Himself, and that we are happiest when we are truly the person God wants us to be. I always ask God to give me the words to express the truth in a way that the kids can receive, and He always does. Thanks for offering this perspective!

I liked watching Moana and Coco a lot though there were some overtly spiritual themes that personally made me uncomfortable in both, especially while watching with my kids–points to our society’s acceptance of most anything “spiritual” as long as it’s not overtly religious. Aside from that, unfortunately, even in these two films you see glimmers of the cult of self-expression.

From Moana’s “Where You Are”: “You may hear a voice inside/ And if the voice starts to whisper/ To follow the farthest star/ Moana, that voice inside is/ Who you are.” There’s also a similar sentiment in “How Far I’ll Go.”

As for Coco, the central plot is about Miguel following his heart and embracing who he truly is as a musician versus what his family tells him he must be–a shoemaker. As Ernesto de la Cruz says, “One cannot deny who one is meant to be.” And then the film ends with his family coming to terms with his chosen identity. To be sure, I’m all for re-enforcing vocational calling, but it’s worth pointing out that this is underlying to the entire narrative of Coco. That said, it was a fun movie to watch.

I fear that this is so. If there is no gratuitous sex or violence we have been willing to accept the worldview Pablum that underlies everything. At the minimum we have to talk to our children. My time to do that is long past, and neither of my sons are holding beliefs that I hold dear. But my wife and tried…we really tried… to show our sons the reality of God and his truth. We did it as honestly as we could. Now we are trying to do the same with our grandkids as we have the opportunity.

These messages are truly fuel for narcissists and psychopaths…but can there also be balance between understanding your total depravity and need for Jesus, but also being okay and loving to the person He created you to be?
I grew up with so many confusing messages in church…mainly that I should deny myself. Well, I did that to the point of feeling ashamed of who I was and having to battle self-loathing thoughts constantly. That’s what happens when the gospel is twisted into an application rather than a proclamation. You are told how you should or what you should be, what you should/shouldn’t watch, etc, in church…where you are hoping is a safe and accepting place.
I think that if the gospel is clearly understood and open and honest conversation takes place, these messages won’t have as much impact…and even if they do, they will at some point, lead us to fall back on our knees in desperation for Christ.

After Matt Schenider’s famous post on Thomas Kinkade, which got plenty of online blow-back and controversy, now comes this. Dude is the perfect reality show contestant: “I’m not here to make friends!” God speed Matt!

I really loved this. We also watch a lot of kid movies, and I’m not nearly as vocal about talking about the these as I should be.

Arguably, I’ve always found Let It Go gets proven to be wrong by the rest of the movie. Elsa doesn’t realize the path of destruction her narcissism causes. Rather than admit that she was wrong, she gets angry and retreats further away. She has to be taken away and jailed to learn the power of love and sacrifice.

While what you have written about the “I did it my way” nature of sinful people is spot on, it is also not the Gospel to keep referring to as “sinners” those who have been buried with Christ and raised to new life. We are new creations, residents in a new Kingdom, being changed from one degree of glory to another, seated with Christ in the heavenly places, made the righhteousness of God in Christ, filled with the Spirit, and charged as royal priesthood.

Paul and the other NT writers do not call believers in Christ sinners but saints. The mentality and viewpoint is changed. This is the Good News, that what we were is no longer what we are. We are no longer defined by sin. Do not call fellow believers in Christ sinners, that’s wrong. Don’t define us by what we were.

So don’t expose one error by replacing it with another. For the sinner, there is plenty of bad news of just being yourself. For the born-again believer, zero. None whatsoever. Preach that.

Agreed. I’ve come around to believing that whole construct of narcissism is rooted in shame, so while we do need to get on board with not calling wrong, right, we also need to know our true identity in Christ is this ‘becoming’ growing process, knowing our worthiness IN HIM. Once we understand that, then we can deal so much better with our messiness, and grow in love and humility

As far as Frozen’s Let It Go song, I understand what you are saying. However, I see it being sung in the context of her escaping and giving in to her selfish desires. In that sense, the song is quite fitting, don’t you think? Later in the movie, she “repents”, so to say, when she leaves her selfish desires behind and re-discovers her “calling” and accepts it.

Thanks for the post. This is eastern mysticism repackage to suit western culture of I individualism and that is why Oprah is very popular when she visited India.. I am from India and I knew it that thise people are trying to gratifying human self centered whims.
I would suggest these books who are new to this thing.
1. Ravi Zacharias Why Jesus? Rediscovering His Truth in an Age of Mass Marketed Spirituality (2012),
2. Hank Hanegraaff Christianity in crisis,
3. McConnell A Different gospel,
3. John Mac Arthur Charismatic Chaos,
and some writings of Tim keller, Eugene Peterson etc.
This is common in Word of Faith,New apostolic reformation etc. & americans are running after them without knowing the history. Some exposition by Justin Peters & others during strange fire conference also says a lot about them..

I love many things about this, but I wonder if The Color Purple is really an appropriate example here (that’s me saying I don’t think it really is 🙂 ). The protagonist has been beaten down to an extremely low point, and I think she’s saying/singing all these things to keep herself alive. It seems to be more about self-compassion than self praise or adoration, which I think this character needs in this moment in order not to die.

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