“Should I Sleep With Her Husband?”

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I am fairly open about my lifestyle choices (like swinging) on this website, but not necessarily in real life, meaning I can’t run this by my regular friends. So this question does not need to be anonymous (I go by “Gigi” here).

I look through CL casual encounter ads fairly regularly, for entertainment value more than anything. I rarely answer anything as I think a sizable % of CL posters are trolls or cheaters. However, I started seeing an ad, about once a month or so, that seemed real to me. It was from a woman who, for medical reasons, cannot have sex with her husband anymore. She was looking for someone to “take care of that” for her — a FWB for him, as she called it. I am not sure I could have done that when I was married. It would have killed me to know he was with someone else. So the second time I saw the ad, I decided to respond. We had an email exchange, and the bottom line is that she would like me to do it.

I’m not sure this is a good idea, but who am I to judge another couple’s relationship? She said it has taken them six months of teary conversations to get to this point, and at first he said no. But “ultimately I know that he can’t go the rest of his life without sex, and I’d rather know that he’s doing it than have him get frustrated and eventually cheat.” She also said she could talk on the phone with me (a condition of mine is to meet both to ensure no cheating) but she said she couldn’t meet me because “knowing the other woman almost makes it like he’s sleeping with my friend” and its taking it to a more personal level. She prefers it out of sight, out of mind.

To me, this doesn’t sound like a woman who is “absolutely sure” she wants this to happen. I am very capable of having sex with someone and having it mean absolutely nothing. But I also am not sure I could do it knowing that this wife is sitting at home thinking about what her husband is doing. I really feel for this poor woman. I want to ask her, “Have you been to a doctor? Gotten a second opinion?” I would move heaven and earth to have sex with my husband! She told me it was endometriosis and vaginitis. Surely, there is something she can do? But this is not my business, I guess…I don’t know. Should I take her at face value and help her out with this? Or back away and forget it? I don’t want to cause pain for another person. Or make her hate her husband or herself. That would make me feel horrible! But, as she said herself, I am the perfect person for this since I am a swinger and, having my own relationship, I am not out to steal anyone’s husband. I just am not sure. — Gigi

You said yourself that you look at the CL ads mostly for entertainment value. And I would presume the other value you get is when you actually find a potential match for a “casual encounter.” You aren’t, I don’t think, cruising CL to find a way to help someone. Or save someone’s marriage. You aren’t looking for a way to be altruistic. You are, literally, looking for a casual encounter, right? And what you’re describing — the emotional turmoil you are feeling from this wife and worrying about yourself now — doesn’t sound “casual.” It actually sounds anything BUT casual.

But… maybe that appeals to you. Maybe you like the idea of helping this couple and only need to feel that you are, in fact, helping and not harming. And I can’t answer that for you. I suspect the wife can’t really answer that for you either. I’m sure that whatever she is going through IS incredibly difficult, and the idea that she needs to rely on another woman to satisfy her husband’s sexual needs probably IS hard, to say the least. But perhaps she has made up her mind that this is something she’s going to do and, if you aren’t the woman, she will keep looking until she finds someone because, if she can’t satisfy her husband’s needs directly, she can still be a loving wife who satisfies her husband indirectly by giving him another woman, so to speak. In that sense, the other woman — you, maybe — is a gift she can give her husband. And maybe the idea of being a gift is something you can embrace. Maybe it even titillates you. Maybe this encounter, though not casual, can bring you MORE than what a more meaningless one might. But maybe “more” isn’t necessarily better or desired for you.

I can’t answer these questions for you. You have to decide for yourself if you want meaningless, casual sex (and there’s nothing wrong with that if you do!), or if you want to take your swinging to a different level and offer yourself as a “gift.” Doing so would inject meaning in the experience because feelings would be involved. They may not be feelings people usually fear or associate with casual sex relationships. But these potential feelings between the two spouses — like maybe relief, gratitude, guilt, sadness, love, and jealousy — will probably affect you. Feelings — and meaning — that likely haven’t existed in past casual encounters you’ve had–will exist in this kind of encounter. And you just have to decide if that is a bonus or a detriment to you and your sex life. If it’s more than you want, just say no. After all, the wife may eventually find another woman to sleep with her husband. And if not, he isn’t going to, like, die from not having sex. I mean, plenty of married men have been surviving that scenario forever…

First impression: There probably isn’t a wife, it’s just a married man trawling for no strings sex.
Second possibility: it is real, but honey, there are qualified sex workers who can offer this type of service and are trained to deal with all the emotional baggage such a client would have.
Short story..This is either fake, in which case run; or real; in which case, leave it to an expert.

Lets say for the sake of debate, that it is real. I have been reading CL for 3 years & like to think I have a decent sense for the trolls. Yes I could be getting played, but lets go with the theory that this is true for now. No I don’t look for casual encounters on CL, I belong to swinging websites for my “casual encounters” And yes I considered the fact that a prostitute would be better, but if it was your husband…really? Would you want that for him? I wouldn’t. The possibility of jail? STD’s? Drug users? I am well aware that this could be fake…but after several lengthy email exchanges with “the wife” , I don’t think it is. Yes Wendy I like your answer, it feels more than “casual”….

My question is this – what’s in it for you? Surely there are easier hookups than this if you are just looking for something casual. Are your motives altruistic? Then, I advise having a phone call with the wife and explain your concern that she isn’t really ready for this and see how she responds. And I would ask her everything you mentioned here – she is requesting something very intimate and you have the right to find out whatever you need to make you feel comfortable.

Okay, coming out of a long lurker-tude for this one. I’ve been a swinger with my husband for five or six years and before that in college I was a unicorn (bleh, hate that term actually). I cannot describe the intense feelings of aaaahhhh run away I feel reading this. Like others have said this would not be a casual encounter. There is so much emotional turmoil buried under the surface for the wife it sounds like. She won’t even meet you- that would be a dealbreaker for me personally. It might not be a dealbreaker for you but it does make it seem as if she isn’t really into this. If you meet him and are actually into him then you have to deal with the knowledge that his outings hurt her and that he will likely have some guilt issues too. You are okay with fun casual sex but this man may not be and he may not realize it until he’s in the thick of things. I am a bit biased against introducing newbies to the lifestyle because it can result in people having a strong negative emotional reaction at the worst moment possible. This sounds like the stakes are even higher given the wife’s take on things. Just gah. Feel her out more at least. Hell, you might meet the guy and your lady boner just isn’t feeling it. As for getting a sense of them or her online I would be cautious. Even certified couples on swing sites with lots of friends can be basket cases. I have a pretty good sense of how couples are through messages at this point but every now and then the other couple pulls a 180 in person. Proceed with caution.

I would avoid this scenario. It doesn’t sound like the wife is really ready for this. And frankly I question the fact that she can’t do anything for his needs. Not all action involves sex… It sounds kind of selfish in a weird way, honestly. “I don’t want to find a solution, just go screw someone else.” I question whether she has really thought this out. Just because you are a decent person who wouldn’t want to take her husband doesn’t mean every woman would be like that. And what about his feelings? What if HE falls for his new partner, as he is getting something so intimate he can no longer get from his wife? We cannot just assume every man is a cad who is cool with no strings attached forever.

I think there is something deeper at work here, and if I were in your position, I would avoid it. And it may even be a troll or something worse!

Yeah, this sounds like something the wife is setting up to alleviate her own guilt at not being able to “provide” for her husband, and he’s just going along with it. Like Monkeys Mommy said, sex is not confined to intercourse. There are other things she/they can do. I wonder if she has fully explored all her medical options.

Exactly the debate I am having with myself right now Lily. Something about her, her situation, really touched me. But the “whats in it for me” part is noisy in my head. Altruism & helping others is a big part of me, but its actually a big time/energy commitment. That would take away from my kids, my BF, my own stuff. The reward could be a relationship of some kind (not primary), but I can’t/won’t go there with someone else’s husband. Good sex? Well that remains to be seen, & again I can get that elsewhere. It doesn’t interest my BF at all, “doesn’t sound very sexy” was his take on it. Other than that he doesn’t care.

The only reasons I can come up with right now are 1. the novelty ( very selfish one) 2. I feel like I might do it for her, if she is real. But meeting him & getting his take could change all that of course, getting his take on it. OK 3. He is kinda hot:) But I felt number 1 & 2 before I ever saw his picture I swear!

It does sound like they are both still really on the fence about the whole situation. It’d be one thing if they had been doing this for a while, and an old sex partner had to stop for whatever reason and they just wanted to replace her. However, being the first in an uncertain situation doesn’t sound ideal to me. I can see so many ways this might end poorly.

Sorry, but this seems REALLY off to me. Who says that PIV sex is the only possible way for sexual fulfillment? Sounds like she just doesn’t want to be involved with her husband sexually. I think of Snarkymarc, and his trying to get to the movies, and all that he has said about his emotional needs that are tied to sex. If genuine, sounds like the husband’s reluctance could be tied to that.

I don’t like a single bit of this. Run, don’t walk. But you can say over your shoulder, “fellatio, fellas!”

Yes I agree. There are other ways to do it! My BF brought this up too, thinking she is just not interested in sex in any form. She wants to keep her man around & happy but not THAT way? Foreign concept to me..

Gigi and Captainswife, thanks for thinking of me. I’ve only read a few of the comments so much of what I say will probably be redundant. I think it is a lot more common for sex to be deeply emotional for men than most would think. I think a lot of men don’t even realize how emotional it is for them. Most men don’t have the support structures of most women. I know I don’t. I have friends, but I can’t and don’t tell them my secrets or show them my emotions. My wife is my only real confidant. I rely on her too much, but at thankful to have her. If I were in this guy’s situation, assuming it is real, I’d be torn. Since they been talking for 6 months, he clearly is torn. So it will undoubtedly be wrought with emotions. How will you handle it if he starts crying after the first time? What if he develops feelings for you. I think I would have a hard time enjoying sex with someone without intimacy and he may be the same. So he’ll either not enjoy it or develop feelings of intimacy for you.

I’ve actually thought about this situation myself. It would be really tough. If it were a long term thing, like more than 2 or 3 years, then something would need to be done. I might try to find a fwb, but I doubt that it would be sustainable. Besides, I’m skeptical fwb situations are likely once you get into your mid-30s and later, but I don’t really know. Unless it was a terminal illness, it would likely lead to divorce for me.

My wife’s cancer treatments have completely killed her libido for 11 years. Vaginal dryness excludes PIV intercourse but she’s offered hand, oral and annal. We’ve tried but I can’t orgasm knowing that she’s not enjoying it. I’ve thought about looking elsewhere for relief but if I did get with someone else, sooner or later one of us would want more and the marriage is worth keeping for many reasons so the likely outcome is issues that I don’t want to deal with. Fortunately I’m ambi-sexual (can use either hand) and the internet has endless stimulation.

I’ve said this before in totally different contexts, but I think it still applies. The only reason to have sex with someone is that you want to have sex with them. Not for respect, not to be kind or out of pity. Is this really any different from throwing a pity fuck at a geeky virgin or something? You’re still doing it for other reasons than “I wanna.” I think sex is one of the few areas in life where you might as well be completely self-interested. Not selfish or self-centered, just in it for what YOU get. If you want NSA, this situation basically involves you and him being dangled like puppets by the wife for reasons of hers, not yours. She wants to control her husband’s sex/fidelity. I can certainly see why. Doesn’t matter to me if there appears to be some potential that these reasons are not as creepy as the rest of Craigslist. If you want to make any kind of real connection or friendship, this is totally fraught with peril, unlike a lot of healthier swinging situations you might find. If your goal is to get laid, this seems like a dodgy way to achieve that goal. This should be easier. If you have to seriously mull over and even ask for advice as to whether you should do this, to me that’s an indication that you shouldn’t, like Skyblossom said. Go find someone who just wants to have a good time.

Oooh Good point Diablo! I hate that term, pity fuck. bI would enverr want to be one, I’m sure this guy wouldn’t either. And thats almost what it might be, after the first time (novelty -see above), becuz as a swinger, novelty is a big part of what I like.

Two questions that are purely for my curiosity and probably won’t help you in the slightest : Are you *sure* you’re actually talking to another woman? From the sounds of it you haven’t even spoken on the phone yet…so therotically it could be anyone right? And secondly, are you actually interested in the husband? You haven’t talked about him and whether you even find him attractive. Maybe you do and didn’t think it was germane to this other aspect of the arrangement so you left that out.

In any event, assuming this situation at face value, if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t go forward with this…to me it seems to fraught with complications and heart break to make it worth it to me. There are lots of other men you can have drama free hookups with. And sure this woman will likely press ahead with or without you and come to regret it, but you don’t have to make yourself part of that equation.

Yes true – I have not spoken to her on the phone, without copying & pasting every email & her ad, its hard to explain why I have the feeling this is on then up & up as far as being an actual wife. But I agree, there is still a chance it could be fake. Yes I did not see a pic until the last email, he is kind of hot. But not sure thats enuf to do this. You are all bringing up great points.

Out of curiosity, I looked it up and yes, these two conditions can cause intercourse to be quite painful but there are things she can do if she wants to (like experimenting with different positions). Even if she doesn’t want to, there are many other things she can do in the bedroom if she wants to keep the physical intimacy between them. So ….she really doesn’t. I’m not sure what that means but I’m thinking she may not have those feelings for him anymore and would be relieved if someone else could take care of that. But I agree that a sex worker would be the best choice.

Yes, it sounds like she could at least try to alleviate the pain, unless she’s tried and it hasn’t worked. At first I thought maybe she was bed-ridden or paralyzed, but this isn’t the case at all. A quick search shows that hormone therapies may diminish the size of the lesions in endometriosis, or surgery can remove lesions. If it was a choice of letting another woman sleep with my man/not sleeping with him ever again or getting surgery, I would definitely go with the surgery. Assuming that it isn’t totally dangerous, that is.

I knew a woman who had endometriosis, and surgery did not work for her. (It is extremely invasive and painful and in her case did not solve her problem. She would have had to have had it repeatedly.) But, what did work was her doctor put her on hormones to stop her periods. (Essentially, chemically inducing menopause.) Long-term hormone use does have its own issues (as does menopause) but it is an option. (My goodness, I like parentheses.)

Isn’t vaginitis just a yeast infection? There are over-the-counter creams for that. This sounds really fishy to me and like the guy wants to cheat but doesn’t want to have to deal with you contacting his wife. You’ve only emailed with her. How easy is it to establish a fake address for the “wife”? The whole “she” doesn’t want to meet you is what’s throwing the red flag for me.

Besides diablo’s good point of not making this a pity fuck, the husband’s hesitation alone would make me not want to get involved – it sounds like he’s not really on board with this and there most certainly would be an emotional fall out for the couple.. guilt I imagine and probably resentment at her making him do this..

Did anybody see Her? Maybe the wife is just an operating system trying to score a surrogate for her beloved, and that’s why she can’t meet you in person. Did the photo look at all like Joaquin Phoenix? On a side note, Gigi, would you do it with Joaquin? Sometimes I wish i could be a swinger, notwithstanding my long-term monogamy, advanced age and near total lack of sex appeal.

Ok, so I am in an open relationship also, so I understand your interest in this, but that being said this particular scenario screams “no way” to me. I personally couldn’t do this because as others here have said, it just doesn’t feel like the wife is really into the idea of her husband doing this. She could do so much with the husband without ever including PIV sex. Like you said earlier, in a swinging situation everybody knows what is going on, and who is really with who. Dynamics are set up and obeyed. There are just too many unknowns for me personally to be comfortable with this. And she told you that the husband would most likely say no to you, again this is just too emotionally raw, not just for you, but for the two of them. This is not a NSA situation, you and the wife/husband will be emotionally involved on some level I feel.
If you want to maybe tell her that you just can’t do this, but direct her to an escort service in your area? That way you can feel like you helped out but without personally getting involved. And if the whole thing blows up, you are not the one that complected it.

At first I was betting on it being a fake wife/husband pretending to be the wife, but talking to her on the phone would work almost like meeting in person.
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But in the end, does it matter? I agree with Wendy that if you’re looking for something casual, this is too much emotional involvement or maybe not the right kind of emotional involvement for this kind of set up. I also agree with other commenters that someone who’s paid to deal with the emotional side, like a sex worker, would probably work better for them. If you turn them down and you want to mention that option, I think that’s a good idea. This is getting away from navigating your part in this to just being about the two of them and you’re starting to be the friend she said she didn’t want to be with her husband.

She is the one setting it up, she wants it to be someone she approves of. She wants to find someone suitable, who won’t steal her husband, then wash her hands of it. But I don’t really think its that simple. Every time he leaves the house, will she be sitting there wondering? And resenting? Has she even thought this through? It took me a whole lot longer than 6 months to wrap my mind around the concept of sharing, & sex as purely recreational. And I was wanting to do it, not “forced” to through medical circumstances. Her words referring to me as “the other woman” were my first red flag that she was not completely on board with this idea

That doesn’t make a lot of sense though- so she wants to be involved enough to screen people, but doesn’t want to have any contact with them other than email? She’s not going to know anything more from that really than if the husband just goes looking for himself. The whole thing sounds fishy or at least super complicated and not something I would want to get involved in at all.

She will talk to me on the phone, if I decide to proceed. She just doesn’t want to know me as that would be too personal for her. Knowing the b”other woman” . She said it would be like him sleeping with her friend & too weird.

I am with BGM. Search for the image of the wife with google. Drop the image in Image Search and see if it finds it. Normally you would expect it wouldn’t (or if it does, it should confirm what you know about them). Either way good to check

If this is real, this sounds like the opposite of the situation you look for, sex with no emotional ties. Sounds like the husband doesn’t really want to do this, so if he does it might be very emotional for him, he might even cry (picture that), do you want to deal with that? And then the novelty will be gone and you’ll be ready for someone else and they will have to find someone else anyway. Doesn’t sound like a good fit on either end . . .

I can see how this situation would be kind of hot. It’s kind of on par with imagining things like knowing your partner only has one night left to live or that you’re trapped on a mountain with a stranger and you have to have sex or you’ll die of hypothermia. I can also see how you’d get drawn into fantasizing about all the possible ways you could “relieve” the long-suffering husband and how sexy that makes you feel. I’d be tempted to pursue this, too.

That being said, I do agree with the others that this is very possibly a fake, or at least ill-thought out on the wife’s part. I think you’ve got two options–you can proceed very cautiously in the hopes that the reality pans out, or you can keep this one in the realm of fantasy. I would probably choose to pursue it cautiously because it sounds hot and there’s nothing really to lose, but I also know that’s probably not the “right” or majority choice here. I do recommend that you try not to get any more emotionally involved than you are until you meet the husband and talk to the wife.

There’s also a third option I’m surprised no one has mentioned yet. If the idea of “helping” is what’s turning you on, why not take it one step further and invite the wife to participate, too? You could make it a sort of threesome, where she participates in the kissing and the petting (or whatever she’s comfortable with), and the husband puts his penis in your vagina. You could even play a “counselor” or “sex therapist” role.

Well, I would be all good with that, but she doesn’t want that. When I told her one of my conditions was meeting both of them, she thought I meant she had to be there for “the act” & quickly stated that she wasn’t bisexual & had no desire to watch her husband with another woman. So much for that option…… I actually just meant coffee, drinks, ice cream, whatever….

I hope my comment above didn’t sound too negative or harsh. I can see how being the one to “help them out” would be appealing. It’s different and you get the chance to be a sexy fairy godmother (which is now a thing in my head). But woah damn this is raising all sorts of red flags. Hell, I have seen many single male profiles on SLS, SDC, Kasidie and the like with stories like this and offers to talk to the wife for verification. It isn’t that rare but here the wife sounds almost distraught. I agree with the others who have said that she may be doing this to assauge her own guilt and he is grudgingly going along with it. He may be hot but it sounds like a minefield.

She’s shopping online for her husband’s fuck buddy, but she’s too emotionally fragile to even meet in person? There is way too much potential drama and emotional damage in this situation. Even if the story you’re getting is 100% true – which seems very unlikely – it’s still way too fucked up to be worth wading in.

Hi! Late to the party! I have a few questions that, I dunno, probably aren’t important but I’m just confused as to how this works. I see you’ve answered her add and you’ve exchanged emails with the wife. Do you know anything about the husband? Like age? What he looks like? I assume before you agree to have sex with him you’ll want to make sure you’re attracted to him, right? Or is that not necessary? Then like do you know what this guy does for a living? What she does for a living? I don’t know why it matters but I’d want to know. And then do you do a background check first to make sure they don’t have any run ins with the law, prior convictions, etc.? And then if you do sleep with him, does he come to your place? Do you go to his place? And if the latter do you want to find out who else lives there? Or maybe you pick a neutral place, like a hotel? But then who pays fort he hotel? Also, I know you’re telling us and you’re not as open with your friends in real life, but do you at least let SOMEONE know where you are going and who are with just in case? That’s all! (Yes, definitely want an update!)

Whoa girl! Yes I know his age & have 2 pics, I wouldn’t have sex with him if I wasn’t attracted, eek! No I don’t know what he does for a living, I assume that would come up in small talk if I met him. I almost always meet someone in a public place before I sleep with them. It’s like a date. Background check- not necessary. They have kids, I have kids so it would have to be a motel. ..or my boyfriend’s house if he was out for the evening. He would pay, since it’s “their” set up. On swinging dates I only once ever paid half. And yes my boyfriend always knows who I am with & where, if he isn’t with me. 🙂

I am having mixed emotions. I have never posted here, but have been a long time reader. I have suffered from Vulvar Vestibulitis for around 10 years & have been married for just as long. It started just before my 20th birthday. I did not know what was happening to me. I have had a surgery, physical therapy, psychological counseling, couples counseling, nothing has helped. NOTHING. They don’t know what causes it, and they don’t know how to cure it. I have seen specialists, Gynecologists and a multitude of doctors. Having sex is like having a knife plunged into my vagina, over & over again. It feels as if my vagina is being torn open. Sex is suppose to be an act of love. Can you imagine my husband lying over me, trying not to hurt me, when I feel like I am being ripped apart by the man I love more than anything in the world? Pap tests are just as bad, having the nurse hold my hand because I am crying, my doctor trying to get it over with because he knows the pain it is causing me? The psychological toll a sexual dysfunction can have on a woman is devastating. I understand the feeling of wanting to find someone to satisfy your husband when you cannot. I have thought about it. My husband would have none of it. What is upsetting me most (and I am sure it is not made with any malice) are the comments from what I assume (or hope) are sexually healthy women saying: “there are other ways”, Maybe she hasn’t explored enough medical options”, maybe she’s not really into her husband and is like f*ck it, I’ll just find some f*ck buddy for him”… if she loved him she would try other things.” I have heard theses very same comments from friends. If this letter is true or not, I don’t know. I can tell you as a woman who is suffering with a sexual dysfunction, the assumption that the woman is not doing everything she can, and hasn’t thought about her options or is taking the “easy” way out, is hurtful. To the writer of the letter, I would tell you meeting the woman I would set up for my husband would be too much, I would have already sacrificed womanhood, please let me keep my dignity.