John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Follow-up from Sam: Trite and Inane Remarks, and how to handle them (Published 3/21/11)

Q:

My second request to you has to do with the trite and inane remarks people make to me on the passing of my mother. People who don't know me are "sorry" for my loss. People who do know me call me morbid. I find all of this very distressing. I won't bother you again. Thanks for caring, Sam

A Grief Expert Replies:

Hi again Sam,

You bring up some things that are troubling to many grievers.

One of the problems is that the people who care about us don’t know what to say or how to say it, which is based on there being so much mis-information in our society about grief.

We caution people to be careful for the phrases “I’m Sorry,” and even “I’m sorry for your loss,” especially when they don’t know either the griever or the person who died.

Even so, we recognize that people are well-intended with those comments, but the impact of them on the griever is often as you report.

It is difficult to be the griever and at the same time to try to educate people as to what to say or not say to you.

Over the years, we’ve taught grievers to say, “Thank you, I really appreciate your concern,” and not engage in a discussion about what was said, because it distracts them from the primary issue at hand, their grief.

As to your second point about people calling you morbid: Again, this is the unfortunate by-product of societal mis-information about grief. In this case, it relates to the myth that “time heals all wounds.” That persistent myth causes people to say that beyond a certain arbitrary point after a death, that you are morbid when you are still having feelings about someone who has died.

Remember, we live in a culture that wants you back at work, looking good, feeling fine, and being productive, 3-5 days after someone important in your life has died. Makes no sense at all.

This is the same world that gives you six weeks off, with pay, when you break your leg, but only a very limited time when your heart is broken.

All that said, while we know that we're all affected by the words and actions of others, the most important thing for you is to take care of your own emotions about your relationship with your mother. The more you do on that, the less affected and troubled you will be by what other people say.

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Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.