January 27, 2015

Chris Harrison drops a "bomb" on the girls that this week will have two group dates and only one 1-on-1 date. But the 1-on-1 date won't be chosen by Chris (coughProducerscough), but the three most important women in his life: his sisters. They don't have the fancy air of the audience members of the season premiere. While group date #1 is off with Chris, the remaining girls get questioned by the sisters, dropping their best sob stories and tears.

Speaking of group date #1, Chris and the girls drive on the highway in some classic convertibles before getting out at a nasty lake for a "beach" day. Granted she's a real mope about it, but I understand Kelsey's gripes about the dirty lake. Virgin Ashley I. decides she needs to make a bigger impression, so she ditches her bikini top. The day at the lake turns into a night of camping where everyone gets really drunk, Ashley S. returns with her incoherence, and Chris bonds more with Kaitlyn (she gets the rose). Now as you'll recall, the show aired some promos early on showing a girl sneaking into Chris' tent and lots of sound effects. Well, it was a ruse! A total sham. Basically, Ashley I. wants Chris to know her more and tells a sleepy, drunk Chris she's less "experienced" which she assumes he understood. He didn't because he's half asleep and drunk, and instead pulls her in to makeout in the tent. What a good dude.

After their interrogations, Chris' sisters choose cosmetics developer date for the 1-on-1 date. Chris knows a date is coming, but doesn't know who his Cinderella will be. I say "his Cinderella" because this is a wonderful product placement date to hype the new Cinderella movie starring Robb Stark and cousin Rose from Downton Abbey. A pink-haired fairy godmother showers Jade in options for dresses, shoes, and diamond earrings (which she gets to keep). This is hands down the only interesting part of the date, minus Chris practicing ballroom dancing alone. Jade and Chris are quite the match because they are both equally dull. The boring talking ceases and the date moves to some ballroom dancing as an orchestra plays, which is a nice twist on the usual private concerts (not a no-name country star?!) Jade receives a rose as the date ends at Midnight because at 12:01 Chris will turn back into an ear of corn.

The girls of the last group date are surprised with: wedding dresses. Polygamist wedding ceremony? Sadly, no. Instead they're flown off to San Francisco in a private jet to run a Muckfest course, which is an obstacle course in mud. So long white dresses (as if you gals should be wearing white to begin with). Chris uses his time to slowly navigate the course and help the women. She-Hulk Jillian is on the date, so it's a no brainer who wins the course. She wins alone time, while the others are jetted back to the mansion. But it's not a win overall for Jillian. Their romantic rooftop dinner is super awkward as Jillian talks way too much about her workout routine and gets drunker and drunker until everything she says is embarassing. In her defense, Chris did start with the job interview question of, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Jillian does not get the rose as Chris dumps her for not being a match for him.

With a lack of alone time in the group date setting, the cocktail hour is used to everyone's advantage to be seen. Megan blindfolds Chris and feeds him chocolate dipped fruit, and I get very bothered when he guesses "raspberry" and Megan squeals, "Yes!" when it's CLEARLY a blackberry. Ashley I. realizes that drunk Chris didn't understand their tent talk so she outright tells him she's a virgin and he makes one of his usual derp faces and says it's OK. Ashley I. heads off and cries that he hates her now because he didn't kiss her, and the other girls are shocked given Ashley I's constant need to be all over Chris. But there's a bombshell: Becca is a virgin too. Britt chooses to use her alone time as a way to seethe with jealously over Chris picking girls who kiss him, take off their clothes, and use their sex appeal (where's the flashback of Britt just jumping to makeout with him last week?) Britt is jealous of the other girls and not being the center of Chris' polyamorous universe. Chris doesn't appreciate hearing that the girls question his integrity, because he's put his soul (or "soule") into it and is here for the right reasons.

To kickoff the Rose Ceremony, Chris reiterates he's here for the right reasons and if they question him they can go home. The roses are handed out in the usual order that gives Ashley I. plenty of time to freak out and stress, but she gets a rose. The one who has to wait for last is Britt, maybe to scare her for wasting alone time whining. Sadly this week we lose the crazy TV gold that is Ashley S., along with single mom Juelia and some other rando named Nikki.

January 19, 2015

Chris is in for a rude awakening, literally, when late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel surprises a slumbering farm boy. Chris Harrison is out (for the week); celebrity superfan Kimmel is in. "Hello sister wives!" Jimmy says to the ladies as he explains his role of the week of helping Chris and planning the dates. First step: the "Amazing Jar" which you have to input a dollar in each time it's used. It's going to be overflowing in 48 hours.

Kaitlyn and Chris are told they're going to join an "exclusive club," which could be a comedy club, maybe the Mile High Club, heck it's LA so maybe they meant Scientology. But the stretch limo pulls up in front of the most elite club on them all: Costco. Jimmy's date card explains this is what real couples do, which is very true. Plus, think of all the free samples! The couple buy all sorts of food and whatever to make dinner for themselves and Jimmy. Thankfully Kaitlyn is hilarious and awesome, so this is great for her and they even kiss inside a giant inflatable orb. At night they season steaks and drink booze, bonding over their shared interests and of course kissing. The romance is interrupted by Jimmy so the steaks and grilled, and so is Kaitlyn who is drilled with questions by Jimmy. Once Kaitlyn says she's OK with "test driving" everyone in the Fantasy Suites, Jimmy is sold on Kaitlyn's awesomeness and encourages Chris to sex everyone he can. Chris gives a sappy speech along with the date rose, which Jimmy tells him is terrible, and really amps up the cash added to the Amazing Jar. The night wraps with Jimmy creepily sitting in the non-bubbling hot tub while Kaitlyn and Chris makeout. It's the stuff dreams are made of.

The group date is a Hoedown Throwdown which is the most insane gameshow you'll ever experience. There's corn shucking, cracking eggs, milking goats, manure shoveling - all sorts of activities to prove you're a farm gal. Of course it's a battle to show. Carly the cruise ship singer wins the challenge, though Jillian wins biggest impression for probably showing her lady parts to Chris and Jimmy Kimmel with her leaping in short shorts. Carly's prize is to wear "American Gothic" costumes to recreate the photo, which is a really crappy prize. She at least grows the confidence to kiss Chris at the hotel rooftop cocktail party. Mackenzie later calls Chris on all his kissing, and that's basically what he's here for and the others think they're unique and special. Becca gets an awkward hug instead of a kiss, but she ends up getting the date rose so at least there's some sign of interest in flower form. Glad she made an impression of Chris because I didn't retain her name until she got the rose.

Whitney and Chris head to a ranch to share wine in the most intricate Pinterest romantic setup ever. There's clearly chemistry between the two as the conversation flows less awkwardly than with the other girls. In the distance are voices, which they quickly deduce is a wedding and they're going to crash it. Let's just hope the large camera crew doesn't given away their cover. Chris says the worst case scenario is they end up in jail and I really don't think he understands the consequences of wedding crashing. With gift in hand, they head into the reception where a few clearly recognize the face but don't say much. The cameras, meanwhile, lurk in the darkness yet still close enough for the perfect shots. They mingle, drink, dance, kiss, and have grand ol' time. Love is clearly starting here and Whitney is given the date rose.

There's no cocktail party this week because it's been swapped for a pool party. In theory that should be fun, but the show takes a turn for the sad when Juelia tells Chris about her ex-husband who died from suicide. After this long segment, it returns back to all the girls throwing themselves all over a shirtless Chris for a sloppy makeout to stay top-of-mind (mostly Britt). Jade uses her ways to get a private tour of Chris' man cave (complete with bed kissing), while Jillian waits around in his hot tub until he shows up. Soon the girls, well mostly Ashley I, get super jealous of Jillian hogging Chris and not sharing. After all the whining, Ashley I. gets her alone time with Chris and then uses her time to cry a little, show she's kinda cray, and get in her fair share of loud making out. All is right for precious Ashley I.

"I wouldn't want to be you right now," Jimmy tells Chris before the Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison stands there like he has a job this week but he doesn't. And really, I'm starting a petition for Jimmy Kimmel to be the permanent host. He's AMAZING. Here's a dollar. Ashley I. spends the rose ceremony making faces because he doesn't call her until dead last. Going home this week is kissed-Chris-Amber, teacher Tracy, and Trina. Pretty much no one we're invested in so, the end. But sadder, we lose Jimmy Kimmel. We'll never forget his magic.

January 12, 2015

As you may recall, last week Kimberly got dumped at the Rose Ceremony but came back in to grab Chris. She whiny cries just enough to make Chris feel guilty, who invites her back into the house. The other girls cheer and applaud but you know they're seething inside. Even Chris Harrison reminds everyone nonstop that they were all drunk and the journey has begun. "There's no rules," Chris Harrison explains and I'm expecting a Hunger Games-esque melee. What it really means is breaking into Chris' adjacement man cave to wear his motorcycle helmet.

Chris puts on his finest zip up hoodie with no shirt on underneath for easy strip down for a LA rooftop pool party. And they play chicken - how unique! But that's not all, as the girls walk around LA in bikinis until they come upon tractors. Yes, tractors - a bikini tractor race in downtown Los Angeles. Hey guys, Chris is a country guy! And tractors are REALLY slow as the show bumps Footloose music and it's hilarious. Ashley I. wins the traffic race, which means maybe got her machinery to 9mph, and she assumes alone time later Chris. Wrong: he picks 21 year old single mom Mackenzie for the evening one-on-one portion where they just hang out at a restaurant and she talks about his big nose, aliens, and that she's a mom to a kid named Kale. Chris gives Mackenzie the rose and they dance, but she tells us apparently they kissed a lot and the show didn't care to show us.

Chris whisks Megan away in a private jet, then into a helicopter over the Hoover Dam. This date is BALLER. So much extravagant air travel and it's only the first one-on-one date! Megan's sob story is that her dad passed away right before coming to the show. Megan clarifies this is a "huge leap of faith" and she's here for the right reasons. Chris adds little depth to the conversation, so he kisses her and the show plays a lot of dramatic music to compensate for the boring date.

The final date card says, "Til death do us part" and I got really nervous it was a Heaven's Gate cult situation. CLOSE! The limo pulls into some shanty town and suddenly zombies attack the limo. Everyone straps on some paintball guns to kill some zombie butts. This is one of the cooler dates the shows done in a while and super unique. And it's not farm related! With the beacon found and the zombies date, the champagne is popped and Chris starts "talking" and by that I mean kissing everyone. On her own planet of needing attention, onion-or-pomegranate Ashley S. is a total space cadet the whole date and I can't tell if she's kooky or straight up drunk. Chris can't figure her out since one minute she's coherent and the next she's full crazy. In a seriously awkward moment, she runs in and interrupts Chris' ITM camera interview about his date. She's a unique creature that surely will return on Bachelor in Paradise. Chris and Britt make out a fair amount after he gifts her a "free kiss" card, but he hits it off with Kaitlyn and gives her the date rose.

A bunch of girls were dateless this week, so they rush to get their time with Chris to show they deserve a rose. Whitney brings Chris a bottle of whiskey from home, but I'm not convinced she didn't snag it from the open bar. Secrets are revealed too: Ashley I. is a virgin, but she doesn't want to tell Chris yet. But she does give her three wishes on her belly button ring, which he rubs and wishes for a kiss. It's so gross. "I'm totally cool with it" Britt changes her mind and isn't loving the situation and cries. Meanwhile, Chris is just mackin' it. This has to be a Bachelor kissing record. Who won't be kissed is Jordan, who takes on the shitfaced Tara role of this episode but is totally incoherent in speaking. Good luck getting that rose, Sloppy Jones.

Come Rose Ceremony, Chris declares in his speech that he can see his wife in this room. Well kudos that he can see because I think there's one or two that are seeing double right now. The highlight of what is usually a bore is that when Chris calls Juelia, Jillian walks forward AND trips on the carpet. Double dumb! But then it's back to boring as girls are given their roses and eventually some duds don't get a rose. Gone this week are night one drunk Tara, eliminated-a-second-time Kimberly, and I think two other girls that no one remembers. And yes you're reading it correctly that zany Ashley S is still there. There is a reality TV god.

January 5, 2015

Hope you guys like farming metaphors, because we've got a new Bachelor and he's Chris the farmer. Semi-fresh off of being dumped by Andi in the final three, Chris is ready to depart his Iowa farm to meet a bunch of girls who are willing to be filmed on television for the chance at love. And if you need a refresher, the show will kindly remind you 125 times that Chris is a farmer from Iowa. Actual words uttered, "I'm proud to be able to feed the world." Listen he's got some fresh suits, a fast motorcycle, a hot bod courtesy of Bachelor bud Cody, alarming white teeth that can't be at all natural, and a field full of corn and other veggies ripe for puns. Now all he needs is a fiance and apparently reality TV is, to quote Chris himself, "the best way to find love." Obviously, just ask Juan Pablo.

Now just a note: this whole premiere is a live event in LA where all the former stars walk a red carpet amongst the fans. I know, I should've been invited given my star appearance at The Men Tell All. So to drag out the three hour premiere, we get to hear from some "faves." It takes well over 58 minutes into the episode before we even get a limo. Catherine/Sean are bland as ever and talk about kids, while I suspect she could've been hiding a baby bump behind a fugly cape and clutch over her stomach. Marcus and Lacy are still in Bachelor in Paradise love and want to get married this year. Josh and Andi are in love and like kind of planning a wedding. But Nikky, the former flame of Juan Pablo, is the only interesting one who addresses the negativity after the finale. The couple tried and couldn't make it work. No regrets. Hey guys, I smell a contender for the next Bachelorette. Meanwhile, all the fans are on the sidelines while former castmembers barely acknowledge their presence.

We get an introduction to a few ladies via video packages (highlight: flight attendant Alissa hands passengers roses and they're like, "The ffffff??"), but let's juts skip ahead to the watered down driveway and limo entrances. And by skip ahead, I mean 58 minutes ahead because that's how long it takes between Chris' Iowa video package to the first girl strolling out of a limo. The first girl is Britt who is such a hugger than it's awkwardly long. In fact, there are a lot of dull hug intros which makes many girls completely forgettable. Reegan is the first to bust out props with a cooler with a "fake" heart because she sells human tissue. It's probably not human but it's gotta be some poor animal that's getting its star debut on reality TV. Tara the country girl shows up in cowboy boots and Daisy Dukes which appalls everyone; she quickly changes and reintroduces herself in classy form. Crazy eyes Amanda makes the chauffeur do her bidding with a note to play secret admirer, which is a lame attempt to show Chris she tooootally knows him. But at fifteen girls the limos stop coming and Chris Harrison gives the go-ahead to mingle inside. The girls are totally perplexed because there's usually 25 girls but they figure they're just a special 15 and he's maybe all theirs, basking in the time with him.

But of course there's not only 15 girls who want to be on TV for love, so the limos start arriving again and the girls are ripshit. I mean, he already made a speech so it has to be official right? The First Impression Rose is already in the room. New girls start pouring out of limos with their gimmicks (hello pink karaoke machine and a pig nose!) and the original 15 peek out the window and throw major shade at the newcomers. Oh and there's not two more limos, there are three: 30 girls. Holy estrogen and sequins. "Can I steal you?" becomes the catchphrase of the night as everyone edges for a few minutes with Chris. Others take it in stride. Others hit the bottle (ahem, cowboy boots Tara the sloppy drunk). Some girls from the first 15 feel entitled like they deserve more attention, especially drunk Ashley S. who makes an onion metaphor then gets distracted by a pomegranate that she thinks is an onion. But to the patient come the rewards: Chris takes hugger Britt to the side and gives her the First Impression Rose. Earlier there was a near-kiss but this time, it's the real thing: night one kiss, guyz!! I don't read spoilers at all, but I've got Britt down for final two, if not the one. They've got a spark.

And so comes the Rose Ceremony which on night one is a true endurance of the memory, trying to remember so many names. As the tension rises, so does Tara's vomit threshold and she can barely stand still in her crunkness and impatience of waiting for a rose. Chris notices the hot mess in the top row and leaves for a chat session with Chris Harrison, torn about keeping her around given her behavior. She eventually gets a rose which infuriates the girls who understand how to hang with booze. So who's gone that you might actually remember? The aspiring WWE diva in the skanky lace dress, pig nose prop, crazy eyes Amanda and her crappy secret admirer schtick, and some other randos. Except this one girl Kimberly the yoga instructor isn't accepting her rejection and goes back inside to take Chris aside... until next week when we find out. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!

This season on The Bachelor: lots of kissing! Fighting! Loud sobboning! A virgin in the Fantasy Suite! Tent sex?! And of course, FARMS!!