What do you think about prenups?

Anyway, what I'm wondering is how people feel about prenups. Would you sign one? Would you ask for one? Would someone's request for a prenup kill that lovin' feeling, especially if it were very close to the wedding? Would you trust someone who refused to sign a prenup? One lawyer or two?

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I don't see any problems with pre-nubs these days especially when one of both of the partners may have considerable assets to protect such as their own home or their own business to protect.

Marriage is not what it used to be these days and I think many go into it not just looking for their soul mate, but often with hidden financial interests. At any rate their first real marital fight should bring it all out LOL

I personally would never sign one or get my spouse-to-be to sign one. I know some will not agree about my opinion because some may say that the couple getting married should have the "right" or "privilege" to protect what is theirs, however...when marriage is a-comin', couples should know that "his and hers" becomes "ours". Marriage is a union of a man and a woman becoming a life-long couple seen as a whole. One should know the other very well before getting married. I also think that a prenup shows a lack of trust and respect for each other. If one is madly in love with the other and they know the marriage "fits", there should be no problems at all.

OTOH...If it were stinkin' rich old man and a "nice young female-type", I'd be very, very cautious. ROFLMKO

This isn't my own personal issue because we had one for my second marriage and now that I'm a widow I can't see myself marrying AGAIN. It was my idea to have one the second time around because we both had kids, the assets weren't equal, and I thought it would clarify everything for everybody. My late lovey would have gone along with anything, but I think he really appreciated the fact that I cared about how his kids felt and that I wanted to protect my own from any illusions about changing their lifestyles.

But I'm looking at some situations now, especially among older people, where the very discussion of a prenup causes problems. And I'm seeing some people who don't seem to be looking before they leap, and I'm concerned for them. Maybe they should watch more tv, or maybe I should watch less, but there seem to me to be an awful lot of cases where no one really knew what kind of person had been allowed into the family. I'm thinking a prenup discussion is a good start at finding out the less romantic reasons for a marriage or maybe for the failure of past ones.

Marriage is, last time I checked, about working together as a couple, being a whole, being a family (if you so choose) but most of all an unconditional love on both sides and having the honest communication to make a life together and really and truly love each other for who they are. JMHBelief

I agree with you, jstrait. But the problem seems to be that not everyone is living up to those ideals. The sad fact is that about half of all marriages end in divorce, with an even higher fraction among re-marriages, and that almost no one thinks that a divorce will happen when they're saying "I do."

I find that some folks aren't willing to work very hard when times get rough. Instead of trying to fix what is broken, they are so "out of there". Marriage is some tough stuff, it takes work...a HUGE amount of work, but it can be done:>))

is that romaticism is gone. You hear and read of people allthe time who get married, one or both have considerable assets or maybe just stuff. So they get married and after a few years it's just NOT working. So one decides, or both decides to ask for a divorce, whether a no fault or a for cause. Let's say they've been married 3 years and suddenly one party has to lose half if not all of their home they owned BEFORE they got married? Or they lose their boat or the vacation time share they've had and paid for for 15 years?

I'm talking business or property assets the other party had NOTHING to do with payment wise before they got married. These ar ethe things that need to be protected as well as CD's, retirement funds and accounts, second homes, you name it.

So really I think if someone AGREES to sign a pre-nup, you could look at it in the sense that they don't care about all that "stuff" and really just care about making a life with you. On the flip side if one absolutely REFUSES to sign one, pitches a fit using the old "What you don't trust me?" whine should be a good indication that they DO CARE about all of the material stuff more than you.

People are wainting longer to get married even for the first time and have more of an opportunity to "build an empire" before even meeting someone they want to share the rest of their lives with. It's not like it was in the "old days" when high school sweethearts got marrried and bought even their first lamp together, now both parties seem to have EVERYTHING before they get married and one should protect what they worked hard to achieve.

Entering into a marriage with an unconditional love for each other and having a sincere and honest communication is what builds the foundation. A prenup, IMHO, is something that could be used as a "Don't forget that I have a prenup and if you mess up, you won't get nothing" kind of thing. That's MY opinion;>)

JS you missed my whole point of people seeking prenups to protect the other person (as PB mentioned), not themselves. If you need to bring up the prenup after the wedding, you're in trouble anyway. I agree that a full disclosure policy is a must for a successful relationship, but it does not require

Disagree to a point. If my spouse were to ever be abusive etc...point well taken, I'm gone, but...Unconditional can exist between couples. That is the ultimate show of respect, love, faithfulness and honesty towards each other, and when you have that, there aren't any problems that can't be solved.

There are things that can occur in romantic relationships that would cause the relationship to end. Therefore, it is not unconditional.

As for pre-nups, I think most people are rather ignorant to what a true pre-nup is about. A lot of people think that a pre-nup means that someone walks away with nothing. That's not always the case. Pre-nups can be negotiated and tailored to fit any situation. There are pre-nups that protect the person WITHOUT assests more than the one with them. For example--if the rich spouse cheats, certain provisions are in place. So, it's not always about "what yours is yours and what's mine is mine".

I think MH said it best when he said it's all about how you go into the discussions. If it's about protecting the other person--regardless of who has the upper hand financially--I can't really see how anyone loses.

Thanks, everybody. Some really good comments. Clearly, I think the discussion of a prenup can be an eye-opener and can also be a positive gesture about what someone's intentions really are.

When I married the first time, I had no thought that the person I trusted the most would decide that life with four kids and a housewife was boring. We did very well together at the beginning because it was the two of us against all kinds of economic pressures. Our first child was born eleven months after the wedding, and in those days that meant that my job would be over, cutting our income in half. We did fine for a while, but Mr. Wonderful was out in the world with some good-lookin' secretaries and after eight years of college at night, he started to travel. As jstrait indicated, there was nothing that couldn't have been overcome, even the developing alcoholism, but the will to do it wasn't there, so after thirteen years it was over, painfully, and I had another financial struggle ahead.

The point: things change, people change, and we don't know what the future holds. We also don't know what kind of hidden baggage a person brings to a situation, like alcoholism, like homosexuality, like anything else you can think of that someone might be inclined to hide. At least have the conversation.

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