Pre-credit sequence. A helicopter soar down upon Samoa, but it’s only holding Jeff Probst. The 18 castaways are on a rickety bus, shuttling through the jungle and making broad pronouncements. Colton is quick to observe that girls love him and guys don’t see him as a threat. It’s possible that he may be gay. Alicia vows to play any dude who dares to crush on her. Jonas boasts about his unusual sushi chef skills. Jay wants to make a female alliance. Michael is ready for a twist. But he doesn’t know the twist: The two tribes will live together on the same beach. Crazy, right?

The teams will now be divided by genitalia. Jeff is still flying. The castaways are still driving. They arrive on The Beach. Kourtney looks at the other women and she isn’t sure she fits in. Oh come on. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with the tattooed woman with the adorable Shamu hat? Colton looks at the other guys and praises them as good-looking. Greg asks that Jeff call him “Tarzan.” But there’s already a problem: Troy wants to be called “Troyzan.” Oy. Double elimination now? I’m calling Greg “Buff Mark Twain” anyway. Probst doesn’t hesitate to divide the tribe as Men and Women. Colton calls himself “the girl within the guy tribe” and he’s terrified. Troyzan isn’t buying the female confidence, saying that the guys will have no trouble with anything. The tribes are “Manono” for the guys and “Salani” for the women, but they’re going to be Guys & Girls or Men & Women for my purposes until the Merge. They have 60 seconds to strip anything they might need from the truck. Predictable chaos ensues, as they tear the truck to pieces. Amusingly, Michael zips from side-to-side stealing things from the Women’s pile. The women are confused by their disappearing axe, with Alicia rather outraged. Probst warns that Hidden Immunity Idols are in play. Boo. But Redemption Island is not. Yay. The two teams are given maps and sent on their way in opposite directions. One of the women, who I can’t identify yet, predicts the Women will be a “ball of bad-assness.”

Fox Force Five. Off into the woods go the men, complaining all the way. Tarzan leads the way, complaint-wise. Many of them are out-of-shape and panting, but “buff little dude” Leif immediately wins fans on his tribe for his effort. The Women, meanwhile, have very little thanks to Michael’s thievery, but they’re still struggling. Kourtney is disappointed by the split, because women be crazy. Alicia thinks that she, Kim, Chelsea and Sabrina are the strong girls and she’s already prepared to make a strong girl alliance, cutting in Kat, because she’s at least trying hard. Kim wasn’t planning to make an alliance early, but the stealing guys inspired her.

Two birds in Chelsea’s hand are worth… The ladies arrive at a beautiful, secluded beach and the men arrive and… THEY’RE ALL TOGETHER. Everybody is perplexed. There are two flags and they’re right next to each other. “Hey, it’s gonna be a party,” is Alicia’s reaction, but she’s the only fan. “It looks like their world and our world,” says Jonas, questioning the “One World” concept. But never mind. There are wild chickens, just wandering around in the brush. The banjo begins to play and contestants flop and flounder to catch foul. “Country girl” Chelsea grabs first one chicken and then another and she isn’t quite so willing to share. Chelsea’s holding all of the chickens and she’s ready to bargain. But the Guys don’t want to bargain, because they’re convinced the Women need them more than they need the women. Matt is especially uninterested integrating.

Matt’s Gaydar goes “Beep… Beep… Beep.” This is a very nice beach the two teams are situated on. It’s pretty much a resort. They’re building shelter and doing it separately. The Men are hard at work. The Women are hard at work. And Colton is moping and lamenting that he isn’t with the women. Sabrina nicknames Colton “Country Club Colton.” Matt, like a lanky Sherlock Holmes, is correctly able to deduce that Colton is gay. Well played, Matt. Can’t put one over on you. “There’s a lot of manly men around here,” Matt says, suggesting that Colton’s going to have a hard time fitting in. Matt tells Colton that if the guys can use his access to the women, that’ll keep Country Club around. Naturally, Colton wants Matt and his Frat Boy Alliance — Mike (“Big Mike”), Jay (“Jay Bird”) and Bill (“Nickname Pending”) — out.

Troyzan and Tarzan are apes, man. Let’s see who can make fire first? Christina’s trying hard to get sparks, while Colton, predictably terrified of chickens, comes over and begs for help with Immunity Idol. As Colton predicted, ladies love him. “If humor is his armor, he has all of us sold like suckers,” Sabrina says. For the men, it takes very little time for Jay and Leif to get a flame. Sabrina approaches and offers a chicken in exchange for fire. The Men scoff. “We’re beyond the charm,” Tarzan says. Alicia even makes an attempt to steal fire, which doesn’t go well. Alicia offers to have Monica take off her pants. Troyzan and Tarzan contemplate making a trade if Monica does a full pole-dance. Ick.

Teamwork: It’s not “PrometheMe,” it’s “PrometheUs.” Night falls and the women are strategizing how they can get fire. Kim just wants the “ambiance,” a word that Kat has never heard before. Kat and Kim approach Mike, who scoffs at the idea that Tarzan could possibly be running things. Jay, who thinks he’s at war, calls any deal with the Women “ludicrous.” Remember 20 minutes ago when Jay’s plan was an alliance with women? Nevermind. But while the men sleep, Christina and Monica sneak over and play the duel roles of Prometheus, using a pronged bamboo stick to steal fire. Success!

Gentlemen prefer fronds. Freaky bat! The next morning, the Women have pineapple. Unfortunately, they no longer have fire, because although they were able to steal and start a fire, they were unable to keep the fire going. Christina has no interest in pride and she approaches the Men to make a deal. Jonas says that in exchange for a certain number of woven fronds, they’d give up fire. Alicia doesn’t love the deal-making and she’ll abide by the terms, but she warns that Christina is going to go out first, as a result. Meanwhile, Sabrina goes wandering and she just happens to find an Immunity Idol in an old tree trunk. I believe the “Survivor” production strategy for “Hiding the Idol” is basically “Drop the Idol somewhere and walk away.” But there’s a Twist! The Idol she found is Manono-only! The rules say that she has to give it to one of the Guys. How convenient that Colton is still begging for Idol-related help! “This is like my saving grace,” says a giddy Colton when Sabrina offers him the Idol. Sigh.

Stop, drop and crunch. Time for the first Immunity Challenge. Players have to start by dropping off a 25-foot tower, go across some beams and whatnot before liberating a flag. It’s a big fall onto a springy net and despite Probst’s urging, everybody’s falling incorrectly, particular Kourney, who comes up holding her wrist. The Men have a bit of a lead at the balance beam, but the challenge has to be paused for Medical to take a look at Kourtney and her wrist. Ramona the Medic diagnoses a broken bone, but has to perform an X-ray to be sure. By the rules, the Men have won. HOWEVER. Probst offers the Men the chance to be magnanimous and keep the game going as a sign of good faith. The men deliberate and Colton is forced to announce that the men have decided to keep Immunity. Chelsea thinks this proves that the Men don’t care and that this is a no-mercy game.

Pouting and plotting. The two tribes return to camp. Nina, who we haven’t seen at any point previously, is sad and possibly wounded in some way, though that may just be what her face looks like. Kim is from Texas, where men are chivalrous. Sabrino explains to Colton that he needs to use the Idol as the swing vote to take out part of the Frat Boy Alliance. Sabrina coaches Colton and Colton says he loves her. Colton’s gonna be targeting Matt, vowing, “We’re gonna cut his throat faster than Taylor Swift can write a song about an ex-boyfriend.” I give that snap a “Meh,” Colton. Sabrina calls the Women together and there’s general agreement that if Kourney comes back, she’s done. Alicia, though, doesn’t think it’s that simple, so she decides that she’s going to call Christina out at Tribal Council.

Tribal Council. The Women arrive and light their torches. They do this because, in this game, fire represents life. Just in case you’ve forgotten. Before Probst updates them on Kourtney, he tries to get their reactions to the twist. Alicia’s happy. Kat says everybody has a role, that they don’t have a specific leader. Christina takes credit for the fire deal and Alicia begins ranting about how it was “a shady trade.” The rant doesn’t go far, because Probst doesn’t have a clue what Alicia’s unhappy about. Christina yells and Alicia bellows that things would be different were they in Chicago. Kat cowers deep into her hoodie, wishing Mommy and Daddy would stop fighting. Chelsea says you can’t expect a group of women to agree on everything. Monica calls it “total anarchy.” Probst criticizes them for their lack of structure, when really we all know he’s criticizing them for not having penises. News: Kourtney’s wrist is broken and will require surgery. That means nobody else is going home. Probst pats the women on the head and tells them they have 36 more days to get their acts together and hopefully become men. “I’m not so proud of myself right now,” Kourtney says, hoping that her son will think she’s a strong woman.

Bottom Line: That was a wee bit anti-climactic, wasn’t it? Kourtney’s injury produced the double-whammy of sucking the action from both the Immunity Challenge and Tribal Council, which is a pity. Instead, we got the strategic pickle of the Men deciding to take an unearned Immunity win, rather than finishing the competition. Of course they made the right choice, for the same reason that you don’t take points off the board in football. The absolutely best they could have hoped for out of that challenge was to walk away with a 9-to-8 numbers advantage and if they could guarantee that advantage without any effort, why would they NOT? So that Chelsea would think they were chivalrous? Chelsea’s respect plus a million dollars will give you a million dollars. Naturally, what makes sense game-wise isn’t what makes you endearing as a reality show contestant for fans at home, so it makes sense that pretty much all of the people I like at this point are the women, with Chicken-Catching Chelsea as an early favorite. I also respect that Alicia is almost certain to cause a record number of pixelated wardrobe malfunctions before this season is over, unless she takes taken out early, Chicago-style. Among the Men, I’ll pass on The Frat Pack and also on Troyzan and Buff Mark Twain. Jonas, Leif and Michael all seem fine. While Kourtney’s injury blunted the last leg of the episode, I feel at least interested in both the One World twist and the division-by-genders and I’m not planning on missing Redemption Island at all.

What’d you think of the premiere? And what the heck am I supposed to ask Kourtney about tomorrow?

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How about “why did you decide to land on your hands and not on your back like Jeff said?”

By: dan

02.16.2012 @ 6:11 AM

Well sure. I fully expect to spend five minutes on her poor falling form. And at least a minute on her Shamu hat. But… What then?!?!

-Daniel

By: filmkr27

02.16.2012 @ 6:38 AM

I am annoyed that they chose out of all the gay people someone who is so stereotypical. And the ladies are upset that the guys didn’t want to finish the game and choose to win? Choosing to finish the game is stupid if you are given the chance to win and they would have won anyways.

By: LisaA

02.16.2012 @ 7:02 AM

Ugh, tedoius first episode. The constant bickering was a bore. Survivor episodes usually go by in a flash but this hour seemed to drag on forever. I felt like I was like watching an episode of Real Housewives.
I would ask Kourtney if she was ever aware that she was already not in her team’s core alliance – and if she knew who was – if so – and what she thought about that. Early alliances always seem like they can become so tricky.

By: dan

02.16.2012 @ 7:20 AM

LisaA – I think probably the focus of the episode had to be shifted towards the bickering because of the five minutes we lost of the challenge and then the inevitable “Who’s going home?” strategy segment post-challenge. So that’s eight or nine minutes of programming that got shifted to Alicia’s confusing issues with the frond deal.

And I’ll definitely ask Kourtney if she sensed there was an alliance she wasn’t part of… For sure…

-Daniel

By: Robin

02.16.2012 @ 2:47 PM

During TC, my boyfriend looked at me and asked if we were suddenly watching The View.

By: Mulderism

02.16.2012 @ 7:06 AM

I’m coming into this season with low expectations. But it wasn’t bad. I kind of like the twist this season of putting the tribes’ camps together. However I don’t think it was necessary to split them up by gender. That doesn’t really make it even.

Some random thoughts…

I’m really glad that there are no returning players and that they’ve ditched RI. I hope they leave these ideas far behind.

It occurred to me tonight that ‘Hidden Immunity Idol’ has really become an oxymoron. I remember when the idol was actually hard to find and you needed clues to find it. Ever since Russell found the idols without clues the producers seemed to have given up trying to hide it anymore. Why not bury them in the opposing tribe’s camp?

This was a first for Tribal Council. I don’t recall a Tribal where no one was voted out. Pretty anti-climatic like you said.

I noticed that the opening credits were short again and they didn’t even introduce the players in the titles. They have done this in the past when they were pressed for time with RI and all. I used to get to know the player’s names through the titles.

Finally, where did they find this Colton guy? He’s the most stereotypical gay guy I’ve ever seen. It’s like he was plucked from a bad sitcom.

By: Dan

02.16.2012 @ 2:57 PM

I think one of the major reasons for splitting them up by gender was to make it easier for the viewer to differentiate between the tribes even though they will be intermingling quite a bit.

By: troopermsu

02.16.2012 @ 8:32 AM

Daniel, you had me rolling throughout this recap. Highlights:

“Nina, who we haven’t seen at any point previously, is sad and possibly wounded in some way, though that may just be what her face looks like.”

“Kat cowers deep into her hoodie, wishing Mommy and Daddy would stop fighting.”

“Probst criticizes them for their lack of structure, when really we all know he’s criticizing them for not having penises.”

For the love of everything holy, can we please stop with the self-glossing?!? Nicknaming yourself should render an automatic elimination whereby Probst’s chopper swoops in with Navy Seals zip-lining to the beach and shooting the offender in the head leaving his tribe mates to make a choice: bury him or eat him. Troy-zan? You’ve got to be kidding.

I can’t wait until one of Alicia’s interviews where she talks about how things are done in Chicago. “You wanna know how you get them? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way.”

By: dan

02.16.2012 @ 5:46 PM

TrooperMSU – I was kinda rushing the recap, so I decided I wasn’t up to pausing and googling the exact “Untouchables” quote, but rest-assured I gave SERIOUS consideration to just running the whole thing in the middle of the Tribal Council paragraph…

-Daniel

By: Adam B.

02.16.2012 @ 1:00 PM

Odds that the Leif is on the show directly because of one of the producers watching Game of Thrones and deciding that Survivor needed a Tyrion Lannister?

By: Andy

02.16.2012 @ 2:02 PM

If Leif is even half as awesome as Tyrion, I fully support the casting decision.

By: leemats

02.16.2012 @ 7:30 PM

It would also be awesome if we could see boobs in the background whenever a player is giving us exposition.

By: Robin

02.16.2012 @ 2:55 PM

A few thoughts —

I love the concept of them all living on one beach. But they ruined it by putting them on male/female tribes. That greatly reduces the odds of the tribes mingling pre-merge because each side is a total hormone fest right now.

Really Dan, you like the women?? I can tolerate Sabrina, although giving the idol to Colton was dumb, dumb, dumb, at least this early in the game. And I admire Chelsea’s chicken wrangling. But the rest seem to be your typical reality show harpies, and I really want to see Alicia taken out SOUTH SIDE Chicago style.

The men are a ball of testosterone, but Colton is annoying enough that I can’t even root for him. I’m sure there are a couple of guys on that team who aren’t total d-bags, but I haven’t seen evidence of it yet.

Survivor historians: has there ever been a challenge that caused a game-ending injury before? There was the one challenge where the guy fainted, but that was more attributable to his pre-challenge condition, and didn’t he have an underlying medical issue? All the other injuries I can think of were the result of non-challenge issues, like falling into the fire.

By: Lesia

02.16.2012 @ 3:21 PM

Robin, Sabrina had to give the idol to the men’s camp before the next tribal council, it was in the instructions she read. So she had to give it to somebody then.

By: dan

02.16.2012 @ 5:48 PM

Robin – I like the women relative to the men. I don’t think that I’d have any real warmth towards them if the men were less awful…

-Daniel

By: Robin

02.16.2012 @ 6:17 PM

Lesia — I remember there being a time limit, but it just struck me as dumb to give it to a person who is clearly disliked on the other tribe, and is clearly a flake. I guess the argument can be made that he’ll be loyal to her, but that’s assuming that he’s around long enough to be loyal, and I don’t see that. I don’t think it was a good move strategy-wise.

This of course comes from someone watching on tv and not on the island :-)

Dan — they did seem to cast a particularly odious bunch of people this season. Almost makes me long for Coach.

By: Jobin

02.17.2012 @ 6:15 PM

Robin,
I think its a great idea to give it to a weak / dislike person on the other tribe. It is good stragety for a couple of reasons:

1) Indirectly will help with getting out a strong male player out of the game.
2) Getting out a strong male player helps the women win team immunity challenges.
3) You want to create as much disharmony as possible in the opposing tribe. Helping the weaker players is only going to lead to more arguments, and more internal divide in the male tribe going forward.

I agree it doesn’t appear that Colton will be a player that will survive until the merge, but she has to focus on getting herself to the merge first and foremost. The best way to do that right now is by helping keeping a weaker male player in the game.

To the question of whether the men or women are more likeable. It’s pretty easy for me to say that the women (for the most part) seem all likeable, and the men (minus Jonas/Leif) all seem like they are straight out of the first season of Mad Men with the way they are constantly talking down to women in general.

I understand that it is women against men, but you can trash talk without being a complete sexist d-bags making pole dancing comments.

By: ptsnob

02.16.2012 @ 3:19 PM

I enjoyed the premiere overall, though a lot of the cast are obnoxious, especially on the men’s side. Alicia is leading as my least-favorite, but Matt’s making a good run. This year has potential because of the One World twist, but it also could go way downhill depending on who sticks around. I can pick at least 8-10 people who would make for possibly the worst season ever if they make the merge.

By: dezbot

02.16.2012 @ 3:52 PM

I hope someone takes out Alicia “Chicago style” (whatever!). She’s annoying. Matt and his arrogance can go next, then Colton and all his stereotypes.

You should ask Kourtney what’s wrong with Alicia. From the loudmouthiness to the weird anger at Christina, Alicia’s a bundle of “WTF is your deal, woman?!”

By: peloquin00

02.16.2012 @ 4:47 PM

man, Alicia is ANNOYING. hope she goes early. the rest of them didn’t make a huge impression… I guess i’m rooting for Jonas right now

By: bbq_hax0r

02.17.2012 @ 9:44 PM

Reply to comment…

By: bbq_hax0r

02.17.2012 @ 9:46 PM

I meant to say I agree with you about Alicia. Her attitude drives me nuts. I actually liked Christina (the girl who made the fire/frond deal?) as the more rational and reasonable person. The girls needed fire, who cares where the people making the fronds made them. God dang!

By: peloquin00

02.16.2012 @ 4:48 PM

also, it was clearly the only real choice for the guys to take the win and it was a bit sad that some of the women played to the helpless stereotype by acting like the guys should have even contemplated doing anything else.

By: Razorback

02.16.2012 @ 6:12 PM

I have a feeling Leif will become a big player later in the season since they virtually ignored him and didn’t exploit his uniqueness to the game. That’s usually a sign that the producers have big plans for someone. The people they focus on early tend to go home early.

By: Robin

02.16.2012 @ 6:18 PM

Hopefully it’s that, and not that he’s completely uninteresting like Purple Kelly and the country boy from last season.

By: Razorback

02.16.2012 @ 11:13 PM

Purple Kelly wasn’t interesting? Every time she was on the screen, my interest level went up. ;)

By: dan

02.16.2012 @ 11:24 PM

Wow. Purple Kelly. That was a person who was on Survivor. And not that long ago… I’m fairly sure I couldn’t pick her out of a lineup. I must have interviewed her, too? Hmmm…

-Daniel

By: Jobin

02.17.2012 @ 6:18 PM

Who said less during their season Purple Kelly or Cowboy Rick?

By: Razorback

02.17.2012 @ 7:06 PM

Sure, she was a dumbdumb (and I remember Daniel’s interview and she was a total ditz) but she was nice to look at until she got tired and then pretty-time went away.

By: The Tim Channel

02.17.2012 @ 2:32 PM

And here again, on the sixtieth season of a show called SURVIVOR, where fire is crucial, we have a group of women who can’t even keep one going if it’s handed to them. “The guys built a better fire pit than we could” and I thought…It’s a hole in the ground, not rocket science. Ferchrissakes.

By: bbq_hax0r

02.17.2012 @ 9:49 PM

You would think if you were going on survivor you would practice building and tending a fire, rather than just relying on others to do it for you.