Writing has never been as difficult as it has been in past year. It is easier to be silent than to travel a journey which can bring hidden painful moments at each step of the way. It’s been long since I expressed myself through writing… longer since I used writing for my catharsis. Sometimes I feel so different to what I once used to be… as if I am a new person living in old me. One thing I have clearly learned in life is that, ‘Things change‘. Change is only thing that is constant in life… We cannot resist the change. The more we try to resist it, the more it will end up causing frustration. Only point which seems to matter is that, ‘Is the change good or bad?’ But how to determine that? Why do we end up persecuting ourselves with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Life is not about white and black always… grey does exist! Some things are categorized as black and some things are categorized as white. But most things in the world aren’t either. The interesting thing about grey parts, however, is that proportion of ‘white’ and ‘black’ in grey depends on no one except us. But how to determine theboundariesof ‘white’ and ‘black’ in grey? That’s a mystery!

Every moment in our lives brings a change within us… sometimes it’s subtle and sometimes it’s evident. Everything we do, changes us. Everything we change ends up changing us. The only lasting truth of our actions in life is ‘change’. Dealing with a change within us is an important phase of journey in itself. What it requires, dear friends, is transformation from ‘denial’ to ‘acceptance’, strength to face the deep inner fears, and energy to reveal the altered self.

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”

Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that empty space is being created in your life for something new to emerge. Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. Let you be clear in only one thing: your choices!

So, ‘you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloud-shadows, passes over your hands and over all you do’. Don’t be afraid if a feeling confronts you weird-er than ever before, casting its shadow over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you, right?

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves. Look for the answers but do not stop moving ahead in your journey for them. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present, you need to live the question. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Keep growing quietly and seriously throughout your whole development; you cannot disturb it more rudely than by looking outward and expecting from outside replies to questions that ONLY your inmost feeling in your most hushed hour can perhaps answer.

Be loyal to yourselves. To be loyal to yourself is to allow yourself to grow and change, and challenge who you are and what you think. The only thing you are for sure is unsure, and this means you are growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.

Oh and last but by no means least, don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it. :)

Today, I am accepting the changes I have gone through within. Today, I am writing to give myself strength. Today, I am writing to be the characters that I am not. Today, I am writing to explore all the things I’m afraid of. Are you willing to do the same?

Special thanks to:

– All precious readers who have been still visiting the blog and giving valuable feedback.

– A special random unknown reader who recognized me in a crowd after a glimpse of second, and made me realize how written words can still help souls to get connected even when we face lack of connection with ourselves. Thank you, wherever you are. I may not be able to meet you again but your comments and overwhelming feedback ended up constituting one of most memorable and cherishing moments of my life.

– A cherished friend in a mentor who has been pushing me to write even when I forgot to write. :) Your presence is priceless.

– Dedi, for making me realize that my readers ‘own’ my words. I shall soon be sharing poems I wrote in the lost time. :)

It has been some time since I last wrote my post about being a Lost Wanderer.

To be honest, it’s been six months now since Allah jee revealed the realities of ‘conflicts’ and ‘dumbness’. It’s been six months that I was made to start my journey from darkness to light (Alhamdullilah)… as Allah SWT says:

God leads believers from darkness to Light. [2:257]

I may not have been a strong believer. But there is one thing which we need to remember ALWAYS is that Allah’s love never decreases for us. He is always there for all His support, mercy & love. It depends on us whether we can try calling Him once or not =) He ALWAYS answers our call, whether we understand it at that very moment or not.

Darkness, as a matter of fact, teaches us the meaning and significance of light. Darkness makes us search for light. In that quest, aware of our weaknesses, we usually feel tired and decide to give in rather than stand up to it. It’s only the helplessness, which makes one realize the existence of Someone with higher authorities… Someones who loves us unconditionally… Someone who is watching and waiting for us to call Him.

“And He found you lost, and guided [you]” [93:7]

It’s commonly said that some lessons are best learned through pain. Somethings can only be understood in peaks of pain & haunting, when a new journey is ready to begin. Sometimes our visions become clear only after our eyes are washed with tears. Sometimes we have to be broken so we can be whole again. Whatever of ache your heart is feeling right now, trust Allah. Hold on :) No matter what happens, where life takes you, hold on to your relationship with Allah. Because when we lose God, it is not God who is lost rather it’s our very own soul.

And while covering the journey from darkness to light, Allah’s love for us starts depicting itself in signs spread all around us. Who says miracles don’t happen? They happen, in every day life, in minutest of things, IF only we ‘try’ to reflect. And these signs have the potential to make any wanderer a ‘wonderer’ under the shade of Immortal Love.

Having Allah in your heart does not mean in your heart does not mean that you won’t be facing any storm. Rather it means that NO storm can be able to sink your boat. So no matter what happens, always trust His love for you and trust the plans of wisdom higher than yours.

Don’t let your source of fulfillment be anything other than your relationship with Allah. Don’t let your definition of success, failure, or self-worth be anything other than your position with Him. And if and when you do this, you become unbreakable, because your handhold is unbreakable. You become unconquerable, because your supporter can never be conquered. And you will NEVER become empty, because your source of fulfillment is unending and never diminishes.

Before this year ends, let us pray that may we have the hindsight to know where we’ve been, the foresight to know where we are going, and the insight to know when we have gone too far. May Allah be our guider and helper in all we do because His forgiveness is wider than our sins and we have more hope in His mercy than in our own deeds :)

O Lord, grant me your love, grant me that I love those who love you; grant me, that I might do the deeds that win your love. Make your love dearer to me than the love of myself, my family and wealth. (Tirmidhi)

It’s not very long ago when the above mentioned words from my university fellow, Humayun Javed, got my attention stuck. And I kind of realized the reason behind my ‘numbness‘, ‘dumbness‘ and ‘dead silence‘. Or may be it was my own strong desire of being stifle and choke off which made inner walls get so high. I still don’t know what made me start writing, at first place, but what I know for sure is that writing is form of my personal freedom, self-exploration, catharsis and everything that keeps my mind away from being messed and confused. It becomes a source of establishing my connection with the world inside me, who I really am! But what can one write when he’s in conflicts with no one but himself?

I know I’m writing about myself ‘clearly and directly’ after a LONG time… and perhaps it was LEAST possible thing I had ever imagined to do. Especially now, when I am not even sure that I remember how to write or not. I’m not even sure that whether this all will make sense or not, but I still want to try. Just few moments ago, a friend writer of mine, Salman Saeed, that either emotions push us to get back to our medium for expression of soul or some motivation, and I so felt like replying to him that sometimes it’s the ‘fear‘ mixed with ‘hope‘ which forces us to hold the only straw that can keep us from drowning… the only fragile thread to stitch us with our identity!

Identity is a strange word, and let us not even get into discussion which can lead to fogged identity. Let us get back to where we were… Self-Conflict, that was! It’s a famous saying that , ‘The torment of human frustration, whatever its immediate cause, is the knowledge that the self is in prison, its vital force and “mangled mind” leaking away in lonely, wasteful self-conflict’. And this realization of being inside penitentiary 24/7 can be as pinching as one can ever imagine it to be…

Every day I wake up in the morning, and wonder what will I be able to do with drained energies and extinguished passions? Every moment, I wonder about the mask I have to wear for whole day, trying to escape from what I feel, to feel normal amongst others. However at the end of the day, whenever I try lying inside my own penitentiary and stand in front of the mirror of self-realization , I see a weird girl. A girl, who is somewhat unknown to me. I look at her closely and I notice teary eyes with deep dark emptiness around them. Not to forget that the weary smile turns into trembling lips. While I observe this all, I notice a tiny drop of water trickling down her cheek and I ask myself ‘Is this me‘ ?

During the whole day, the fight with myself continues… the hauntings have been part of my life from a whole year and they seem to be embedded in every aspect of my life… I hope to be a ‘warrior’ but that’s not possible with ‘spirits on last breaths’.

They say, ‘All who wander are not lost’… But perhaps, I’m turning to be one of the lost cases…

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In the main stream of events on-going every day, very few tend to leave an impact on our mind and thoughts. One of those few events struck my eye because of its unique name, ‘Discover’.

A wise man once said, ‘You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your ‘intuition’. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover is YOURSELF’.

When we examine the lives of the most influential people who have ever walked among us, we discover one thread that winds through them all. They have been aligned first with their spiritual nature and only then with their physical selves. We all have different desires and needs, but if we don’t discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled. So, for today, let us aim to ‘discover’ our priorities first. As Richard Grant rightly said, ‘The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose.’

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Life is the strangest thing I have ever known. And it’s strange how ones you consider your strength once turn to be the ones breaking you… slowly… painfully!

Silence is considered to be a great source of strength and as a matter of fact, it really is… when used for conveying the depth of feelings. But the same silence becomes the source of destructor for deep wounds. Our deepest wounds usually come from our deepest relationships. It’s like being in a tornado that just won’t stop ripping you apart. Except that finally it does, finally the wind dies down and you’re stillstanding…

They say ‘You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.‘ No matter how one tries to escape from the clutches of this foreboding shell but maniacal thoughts catch up like bats out of hell.

It’s strange how you spend years confessing about a strong relation and then you let a ‘single‘ moment take all strength away with silence. You let the walls built and go high, so that it becomes difficult to see the other side. You go so far ahead that on looking back, you see nothing but ashes of time and memories. But at that time, even happy memories become the pinching ones. Again strange it is, isn’t it?

But as it’s said that sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simpler. We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time and clear things out, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over. Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.

“The Tao Te Ching says, When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. Have you ever struggled to find work or love, only to find them after you have given up? This is the paradox of letting go. Let go, in order to achieve. Letting go is God’s law.” – Mary Manin Morrissey

We desperately need to realize that there exists someone whose love is greatest of all. And even though ‘temporal’ relations may come to an end, an ‘eternal’ relations remains right with you! Right in depth of our hearts, there lies that someone… smiling at all our follies and stupidities and always ready to hold our hands and give us the support with His Immortal Love.

And most significantly, as someone rightly said it ‘In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should ALL be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit‘. Going out of inner fire welcomes dark night for soul. It indicates that a lesson needs to be learned. As soon as the lesson is learned, stars in the night start shining leading one to a bright morning… hopeful day! The fire may burn out soon, but passions will smoulder… And forever will remain in melting hearts memories so dear.

People come into your life and people leave it… you just HAVE TO trust that life has a road mapped out for you. You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them WITH you and leave a part of yourself behind. Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when it was understanable if you fell apart, that’s true strength. As Joseph Campbel said, “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us”. The life which is planned by hands greater than ours, understanding more proper than ours, and submit our will in will bigger than ours.

PS: This post is dedicated to some of gems and mentors of my life… my hidden strengths! :) Ma’am, Aapa & Daa you all three will always be remembered in my prayers. Be blessed wherever you remain.

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It has been long since I wrote anything of any sort related to what I feel. Write-ups related to my projects were either based on fact or theories for research. Sometimes I feel so different to myself, so dissimilar to what I used to be, totally unlike to how I used to take things. As far as letting my emotions out through words is concerned, I feel that I’ve become stranger in world of words now. May be I’ve forgotten how to write. The year is about to end. And so is my teen-age :) Year 2010 has been full of tests and challenges. To what extent did I actually face them is well, yet to be decided in overcoming years. Up till now, all I know is that amount of strength ‘added’ in me was not possible without these happenings. And what I am sure of is the lessons I learnt and blessings I had (and still have, all thanks to Almighty). Let us hope that upcoming year will bless me (and all of us) the hindsight to know where I have been, foresight for where I am going and insight when I have gone too far.

The idea of to-do-list struck me when recently I realized life to be very short. Somehow a strange feeling engulfed me making me realize that I have got lots to do but I have perhaps no time. I’m habitual of forming to-do-lists in the times of pressure related to workload,when I feel overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do and when I face a constant barrage of looming deadlines but a to-do-list related to life? Naah! Bad idea it always seemed to be. Things can’t be covered this way! But these days when I pondered upon it then I actually realize its significance.

The importance of setting ‘priorities’ got cleared to me almost 4 years ago. And it amazingly sorted out MANY issues in my life. The mess of depression no longer seemed a mess because I know that every thought clicking my mind belongs to WHICH priority level. I knew whether that thought is worth considering or it better be neglected (as it would have only added up negative energies). But I never realized that to-do-list can also do this to my life.

To-Do lists…they can make life more manageable by helping us remember everything we need to complete. For me, they made my tasks-to-be-done more CLEARER rather than a vague desire. It is said that, “One of the secrets of getting more done is to make a TO DO List every day, keep it visible, and use it as a guide to action as you go through the day.”

So I thought to write down MY to-do-list related to my life. Obviously there are MANY things but I only mentioned the things needed to be done as soon as possible.

My top three tasks are well a little more personal which I would like not to share with everyone but keep them safe in my own mind! :P =) Out of rest, I am sharing most significant ones with you…

To increase my tolerance level (which has become sensitive these days! :P )

To learn meaning and Tafseer of Quran.

To clear CCNA.

To learn more about spirituality.

To cover the journey within.

To become a psycho-therapist.

To become expert in home economics :P

To do something meaningful and memorable in field of writing.

To read books I have gathered in my shelf :P

To get connected with relations I lost in ashes of time.

To go to pilgrimage.

To have a detailed analysis of Conciousness and sub-conciousness.

To be expert in baking.

To get back in contact with ones I’ve been disconnected in course of time.

To be able to remove misunderstandings which have been developed in my relations.

To learn more about linguistics and literature (urdu and english!)

To learn Arabic.

To read and understand Iqbal’s poetry in detail.

To learn more about geographical changes of Earth.

To do more actions and use less words.

To spend a meaningful life and leave marks of my existence in constructive manner.

To be a ‘real’ better human and muslim =)

So now when the sun down is approaching rapidly, I would like you all to come up with YOUR to-do-list and realize what actually you want to accomplish in your life :) They say, ‘Avoiding the phrase “I don’t have time…”, will soon help you to realize that you do have the time needed for just about anything you choose to accomplish in life.’ BUT a set ‘definite‘ objective must be established if we are to accomplish ANYTHING in a big way.

As someone rightly said,

A winner is someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail off to develop them into skills, and uses these skills to accomplish his goals. – Larry Bird

I look forward to see you defining your priority order and deciding your to-d0-lists. =)

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"Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted, nor to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider."

"Yet it is in this loneliness that the deepest activities begin. It is here that you discover act without motion, labor that is profound repose, vision in obscurity, and, beyond all desire, a fulfillment whose limits extend to infinity." ~Thomas Merton

"Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult, for strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go."

"How from my garden I chanced to stray;
And how I was whirlwind trapped, I cannot say."
- Sir Muhammad Iqbal