The Only NFL Power Rankings You Should Actually Care About

Who cares who the best team is? These are way more important.

As the NFL Season comes to an end we clearly know what city can claim the title as best football team in the league, but there’s so many other prizes to be claimed. Sure plenty of cities didn’t produce on the field but that doesn’t mean their other accomplishments shouldn’t be recognized. Here’s a few superlatives for the rest of the teams in the league. Congratulations guys!

Least Intimidating Team Names

#5. San Francisco 49ers – If you’ve ever seen any of those reality shows about gold miners, you know that there’s a lot more crying than intimidating. It’s just a bunch of sad men digging. That’s not striking fear into anyone’s heart.

#4. Miami Dolphins – The city of Miami chose the least threatening sea creature on the planet. For $8 children can pet them and throw a fish in their cute little mouths at Sea World. I’m clearly paralyzed in terror.

#3. New Orleans Saints – Maybe the New Orleans Overly Religious Activists would be a little more scary? Imagine a Fred Phelps scowling face on the side of a helmet, that’s creepy. Instead they went with Saints which makes you think of the Reverend Billy Graham, a fragile, old man.

#2. Arizona Cardinals – No one has ever yelled “Everyone run! There’s a swarm of cardinals coming our way!” Instead, elderly people take pictures of cardinals to hang in their den. Definitely not a football mascot.

#1. Cleveland Browns – It’s just a color. That’s not even a tangible object. Do they mean crayons? The Cleveland Boxes of The Same Color Crayons? That’s terrible and painfully unintimidating.

Teams That You & Your Buddies Could Most Likely Buy

Forbes released the values of every NFL franchise, so if you and your friends want to chip in together and buy a team, here’s your best bets.

#5. Atlanta Falcons Value: $837 million

#4. Buffalo Bills Value: $805 million

#3. Oakland Raiders Value: $785 million

#2. St. Louis Rams Value: $780 million

#1. Jacksonville Jaguars Value: $770 million

NFL Cities Where You’re Most Likely To Get Herpes

According to a recent CBS article of the most cases of herpes in the US, here are the NFL cities where you should DEFINITELY wear a condom. Good luck out there!

#5. New Orleans Saints

#4. St. Louis Rams

#3. Chicago Bears

#2. Washington Redskins

#1. Atlanta Falcons

Top NFL Cities Where Antonio Cromartie Has ChildrenThe New York Jets Cornerback has an unbelievable 12 children from 8 different women. Here are the top five cities containing the most amount of Antonio Cromartie children.

#5. Tampa Bay

#4. Atlanta

#3. Carolina

#2. Houston

#1. San Diego

NFL Cities with the Most Fat People

If you’re a fat football fan looking to move to a city where you can be surrounded by other fat fans, here’s your best bets with statistics from The Daily Beast