“Benching" Is the Cruel New Dating Trend That’s Even Worse Than Ghosting

Being ghosted sucks. In the cute flirty exchanges that often come before a relationship, there’s little worse than when your prospective partner just stops responding with no explanation. But, what if you were ghosted ... but then that ghost kept coming back to haunt you?

That, according to New York writer and editor Jason Chen, is what we now call benching. Jason explains that benching is what happens when you’re in that cute-flirty stage, texting back and forth with someone, but they don’t always respond and they never follow through with plans. At times, you might even think it’s over after not hearing from them for a while, but just when you’re ready to let go, their name pops up on your phone with a sweet message, reeling you right back in again.

What’s really going on here, Jason says, is the person on the other end isn’t really interested in dating you, but doesn’t want to let you go for some pretty selfish reasons. They’re effectively keeping you on the bench like a second-string baseball player in case the starting pitcher bows out. It’s a totally selfish and terrible thing to do, he explains, but what’s worse is that we all do it. There’s a whole bunch of reasons you might bench someone or they might bench you, whether it’s a play for power or a way to feel good about oneself without commitment.

If you’re doing the benching, remember that it’s OK to be selfish sometimes — but there’s a real person at the other end of your phone. A harmless text every now and then might not seem that bad, but remember you might be playing with someone’s feelings. In this situation, it’s best to be frank and tell the person you like them but aren’t sure if you want a relationship.

Technology makes it easy for us to “ghost” or “bench” someone, but emotions are still the same. Always keep in mind that the way you felt when someone has been crappy to you in the beginning stages of dating, is how someone will feel if you do the same back to them.