The Language Of Breastfeeding

I think the way breastfeeding is spoken about in this country has to change.

When you are a new or expecting mom, you are bombarded with all sorts of messages about breastfeeding:

Breast is best
It’s beautiful and natural.
Your body was made to do it.
It shouldn’t hurt.
You will love it.
It’s the best way to bond with your baby.

There are beatific images of gorgeous chubby babies nursing from the breasts of lovely, rested-looking moms.

The problem with these messages is that they leave no room for error. There is absolutely no preparation for how difficult breastfeeding is. So when women encounter their first breastfeeding stumbling block, the majority of them are under-equipped to deal with it. Why? Ironically, I think it’s because of the positive breastfeeding messages. When a fragile new mom is awake at three a.m., struggling through thrush or an improper latch or poor milk supply, the reasons that every woman should breastfeed start to sound like taunts.

My body was made to do this.
I should love this.
Breast is best.

We’re told how easy breastfeeding should be, and when it’s not, we start to feel like failures.

There’s something wrong with me.
Why can’t I do this?
This is supposed to be easy.

It’s not easy for many women, but we are quiet when we run up against problems. We feel ashamed that we can’t succeed at what is supposed to be natural. We quietly consider quitting. And if we finally get the courage to speak about a thrashed nipple or a supplemental bottle, it’s in a whisper. It’s only then that we discover there are others struggling, and that we aren’t alone.

Breastfeeding is so so hard. I honestly never expected it to be so difficult.

I think that more breastfeeding literature should acknowledge up-front that it’s hard. If we truly want women to be fully informed about breastfeeding, possible obstacles should not be relegated to the back pages of informational packets. Might this “scare” some women off of trying? Maybe. But more importantly, I think speaking honestly about it would empower more moms to continue to breastfeed because they’d know these difficulties were possible and not their fault. I think it’s better that women go into new motherhood completely knowledgeable of their options so they can make informed decisions before the fog of pain and sleepless nights force their hands.

No woman should feel like a failure because she struggles with something that has a high degree of difficulty. We don’t have to hide the realities of breastfeeding to promote it – new moms deserve better than that. Moms are smart enough to make the best decisions for their unique situations. Let’s do our best to inform, then support.

156 Comments

Alicia says:

This is my first time commenting- love your blog! I have an 11 day old baby girl, and we too, are going through the trials of breastfeeding. I tried to be as prepared as I possibly could be before she arrived. I read so many stories and experiences, books, etc, so I would not go into breastfeeding with too many expectations. Yet it has still been more challenging than I imagined it would be. We had the weight loss issue and had to supplement with formula( which my baby now hates so watching her choke it down is really not fun), but we are slowly making progress. What has surprised me most is that I don’t really feel committed to breastfeeding- and I was determined to before I gave birth! We are still giving it the full try and Im kind of feeling nonchalant about it at the moment. If it works, great. If not, then I’m ok with formula too. All I know is, we need to sleep and the baby needs to eat at our house.Oh, How I am eating all my previous judgements of others and pre-conceived notions of my breastfeeding experiences and expectations!! Thanks for this post. It came at the right time… In between one of our many late-night/early morning cluster feeds. Lol

DefendUSA says:

As a former lactation consultant, let me offer that you just have to do what works for you! If you really want to breastfeed, I also offer that give it a shot for 6 weeks. The first 3 weeks are probably the hardest. What with soreness emotions, and being sleep deprived. Hang in there!!

I love this post. It’s so honest! My own experience was totally unique, in the fact that initially I had wanted and intended to breast feed with my first daughter. However, after she was born, I immediately felt that I couldn’t do it. Strangely (or not), it was determined that I didn’t produce any milk, so I had to use the bottle (my milk never came in). I found this extremely interesting that I seem to know that I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed (albeit through no fault of my own). I never felt ashamed, and proudly bottle fed both my daughters. So I think it’s an individual thing, and no one should judge. I’ve never regretted my inability to breast feed, and my girls were never worse off for it!

Nancy says:

I love every word! This is so very true. Breastfeeding does not come naturally and is far from easy. I’m nursing my third, but I still had to supplement in the beginning. Even though I was “experienced,” I was not. Each child had a different set of challenges. I didn’t overcome all, but I tried my best. It’s exhausting. You’re right. Women NEED to know this is not easy, especially in the beginning. Thank you for this post.

Helen says:

I think that the message that needs to properly get out there is that it will not work for a good while and that that is what is natural and normal. In North America we are bombarded with images of guzzling chubby babies and the natural instinct is to satisfy a child’s needs. It is really hard to see your child struggle and trust that it is normal and go with it. It is normal for a baby to take time to figure out breastfeeding. It is the norm. That needs to be relayed to expecting mothers better I believe. Your baby will appear to be always hungry for a long time and want to be at the breast constantly for a long time and that is normal. The fact that it will work itself out eventually is secondary. I was prepared for a battle as my my Mom did not breastfeed any of her children told she ‘had no milk’. I was ok with it being hard. I was not prepared for a mother-in-law that was pushing for formula because her grandchild was always hungry. Not prepared with feeling inadequate because my child never seemed satisfied. It was very hard to be ok with what you know is normal but goes against your natural instinct to satisfy your child as quickly as you can. The fatigue and mastitis were incredibly hard but the feeling of not doing the most you can for your child were the hardest for me. With my second when I ignored everything and everyone and just plopped her with me all the time and let her go at it at her will, everything was so much easier. I knew it would take time and that she would always be hungry and that time around it was ok. It was not ok the first time and I suffered emotionally for it. Perhaps more work could be done better relaying the realities of breastfeeding. I can’t help but keep looking out to other animals and see that cat infants always want to feed too. They scream as soon as they do not feel their mother. They are always on the breast, sleep with nipples in their mouths. It’s necessary so they can figure out breastfeeding, naturally they will adjust their latch with time. Like you say, trying to portray it as easy is very misleading and causes much anxiety to new mothers.

I think your heart is in the right place here, but this line “the feeling of not doing the most you can for your child were the hardest for me” made me cringe. However you feed your baby is doing the most for him/her!

I don’t really think comparing humans to animals is the best, either – I mean, mama cats have been known to kill/eat the weakest kitten in the litter so that the healthier kittens have more milk! Thank goodness we humans have feeding options!

amy says:

Christen says:

I know what you mean, but there ARE mothers in DESPERATE situations that do take extreme measures with a twisted “this is for the best.” I know it seems far-fetched, but we’re in an amazingly secure situation and there are mothers around the world that are not. As human beings though, we mothers have the options for legal abortion and adoption as well as medication when we are suffering from post-partum.

Overall, I love your blogpost though, Heather! You are amazing and honest- one reason I follow your blog. There is never a question for me that you aren’t being 100% completely honest.

Wendy says:

I agree that moms need to be more forthright, but I also feel that attitudes in general toward breastfeeding really need to change. Doctors need to be less ready to suggest formula, as that can have permanent affects on a mom’s supply. Moms who are breastfeeding should’ve way more open about it and allow moms to be to actually SEE what the mechanics of nursing look like. Hospitals should provide home visits regularly for a couple weeks to check in with mama. You’re right that it’s hard, but I don’t think it has to be as hard as it is. Being so buttoned up about nursing is impractical.

Well put. While it wasn’t a few weeks of home visits, one of the things I love best about the hospital I had made kids in is that they regularly check on you (nurses, doctors, and lactation consultants) to make sure you have no issues with nursing, and they’re not shy to help if you do. (My kids’ pediatrician did this for me too, when I needed help with my 2nd child.) The hospital also has a complimentary 48-hour post-discharge program where you and baby come back to check how things are going now that you’re at home. It made a real difference, especially with my 1st baby.

lauren says:

I’m reading this while pumping. I should be breast feeding, but after a really rough night with a power outage turning off my white noise machine; I didn’t have the energy to give the baby a 40 minute feeding plus another 10-15 minute “put down” routine. So he gets more “supplemental” formula while I hope the pump works. I’m seven weeks in and I still want to quit everyday. I don’t understand why it is so hard when it was evolutionarily mandatory until 60ish years ago! I went into it knowing it would be hard, but it is ten times worse than expected, I really appreciate people being candid in their writing; I might not be at the pump right now if my expectations were different.

DefendUSA says:

One of the things I learned in teaching is that the expectations set for new moms was unrealistic. In part, because of what moms expected of themselves and in part because when the “extreme” lactation consultants or La leche League people get involved they say all the wrong things to new moms!! I am a no bones, no unicorns person. You have to ask yourself is it worth your worry and stress? Would you be happier changing to a bottle? They are hard questions. Could you be suffering from some post-partum feelings? Don’t be afraid to ask for help! If I can help, I would be happy to. defendusa64atyahoo.com

Disclaimer: I’m currently breastfeeding my 3rd child, and any issue I’ve ever had is pretty much the opposite problem the majority of nursing mothers have (I make too much milk, causing my babies to choke, gag, spit up, etc). I respect if you all want to hate me and my comment because of that, but it truly is an issue, one I have found almost no information on (even doctors and lactation consultants look at me like “I’ve never heard of this before”). Because of this, I feel like I’ve read so many articles on breastfeeding over the past few years just trying to fix this. Am I an expert? Absolutely not. But I feel like I’m well studied in the art of breastfeeding. Also, my final lasting thought is mainly for new moms-to-be, but I think it kind of can work for experienced moms too, if they want to. So here it goes…

I agree with you that the formal literature is all extremely pro- “breastfeeding is the best and easiest thing ever,” which is not 100% honest. However, I have to slightly disagree (and I truly mean slightly and not fully) that the honest information is not out there. More informal places, namely blogs (any; please don’t think I’m picking on you specifically) plus comment sections of different forums, seem to talk about issue after issue. I’ve breastfed for 34 out of the last 50 months (yes, almost 3 out of the past 4+ years ylif you add it all up), and I’ve read tons of info on the subject because of that. The positive unrealistic comments are out there still, but I feel like I see an increase in the number of warning negative information that’s swirling around out there too. It’s honest, but it’s scary. And I think that hushed stigma of talking about it is going away rather rapidly because moms want to talk about what is going on.

I wish I had a link to the informal blog/forum post/article I read shortly before I had my 2nd child, but I can’t recall where exactly I found it (probably babycenter.com, but I’m not 100% sure). It was something like “15 Ways to Make Breastfeeding Easier,” written not by experts, but by women’s submissions of common issues and how to hopefully fix them. The advice was pretty good, from woman to woman vs. expert to woman. My favorite piece of advice went something like thus: “It’s really easy to get caught up in all the bad stuff that can happen. Try to go into this thinking that you’ll succeed, not fail.” No, I don’t think that’s like some kind of magical thing to say, but here’s why I like it. It’s known that stress, anxiety, etc can affect milk supply. There’s already so much to be stressed out about when having a baby. By at least mentally being like, “I got this!” (at least at the beginning, before you go into it), it’s one less thing to be worried about.

Should women be informed of the good, the bad, and the options? You bet! But my mom-to-mom advice is try not to stress before you even start.

I totally agree that the info is out there informally! That’s why I keep writing about it, because I do hope that a struggling mom will see the conversations and feel more supported and less alone. BUT my problem with the information being out there informally is that it usually isn’t sought out until there are already breastfeeding problems – and let’s be honest, a lot of the information that a struggling women might find isn’t necessarily factually accurate or helpful. If women knew in advance what difficulties they might run into, then they would also have a reliable place to get more information to help them through their problems!

karen says:

I too have the same problem. Too much milk. It was like I was drowning my poor babies. As a result I could not breastfeed my first. I was able to breastfeed my second but it was not easy. I was very lucky though, the professionals who saw me breastfeeding were the first to comment that the issue was simply too much milk. I was meant to nurse a litter.

Melanie says:

I had that problem too. With my first I ended up pumping exclusively for the first year because I didn’t know how to deal with it (which was more work than figuring out how to make BFing work). With my second and third, we worked through it, but it wasn’t easy. My second flat out REFUSED bottles, so he forced me to figure it out, and I was just stubborn with my third because I knew it could be done – even though my giant oversupply resulted in crazy engorgement where she did nothing short of ripping both of my nipples off when I latched her during the night when I should have pumped to soften things up a bit. (Worst pain of my life and took forever to heal!)

Anyway, like Heather said, laying as reclined as possible, or “nursing uphill” helped tremenously. The other thing that realy helped was block feeding. For 3 hour blocks (or as long as needed), only feed off of one breast. Whether that means one feeding or three, allow that side to empty as much as possible. Then for the next block, use the other side. It really helps your body adjust to the amount of milk you need and it also helps your child get more of a foremilk/hindmilk balance. I almost never had to feed from both sides at one feeding, although it did happen occasionally once my supply adjusted.

I just realized I didn’t respond to your too much milk problem. I bet you hear constantly, “I wish I had that problem!” I can only imagine how frustrating it is! I have a friend who is currently going through the same thing. She said that her daughter doesn’t even have to suck – the milk just pours right out! She told me that it helped to sit leaning back (almost reclining) when she nursed.

I had friends tell me it was hard, but in no way was I prepared for how it was hard. My first took 5 weeks to successfully & painlessly latch, then there were the hormonal issues, the guilt for all the time it took, the total isolation I felt for having to spend so many hours dedicated to it, and the resentment I built up (towards my innocent baby and my poor husband). Once I found a local nursing mom’s group to attend every week, I realized how little woman are prepared for the absolute joys and absolute lows that is breastfeeding. It goes beyond the challenges of pregnancy (look at all that attention you got while pregnant!), and is still not fully accepted into our culture.
Needless to say, I ended up exclusively nursing both my kids for over 18 months each and though I wouldn’t trade that for anything and eventually found it to be amazing, it was a very challenging road. Instead of spending 20 minutes with a lactation consultant in a post-labor fog, maybe obgyns can better educate their patients about the trials and tribulations of breastfeeding (along with some other facts no one mentioned about labor, sheesh!).

DefendUSA says:

Ob-gyns used to actually do that, because that is what I did! It worked well and I was evaluated after each class I taught. Occasionally, there were women who were very type A and no amount of information was going to help them. I got one poor eval from a woman who was a civil engineer. She wanted quantifying of breast milk produced! When I couldn’t give it to her, she was visibly pissed. Glad it worked out for you!!

April says:

It’s not always so hard though. With my first I had a rough couple days with sore nipples in the hospital then we went home and it was smooth sailing for 2 1/2 years. Her brother also nursed perfectly from the get go for the same amount of time. And her baby sister is 23 months in and we are still nursing with no problems. I feel for those that have a hard time because I know some really do. It isn’t as much rainbows and unicorns as its made out to be. There needs to be more support out there. Often a hospital is quick to hove supplementation in your face which makes the problem worse when they Should be providing more support especially ongoing…even after disharge. And Breastfeeding needs to be normalized! It’s ok to NIP. it’s ok to talk about it. It’s ok to ask questions and ask for help. I still go to La Leche Leagueeetings for support even after 85 months of collective nursing. Just being around other moms that understand my struggles and frustrations helps.

Julia says:

Wendy says:

You’re absolutely right that moms should be allowed to use formula. However, how they get that formula is what drives me a bit crazy. Are doctors getting free samples from formula companies that they can give out at the slightest sign of trouble? Are they being taught ANYTHING about supporting moms who DO want to nurse, or are they just jumping to formula because it’s there and it’s available? MA hospitals recently decided to stop taking free handouts from formula companies. They still have formula locked up for extreme cases and parents are more than welcome to bring in their own formula if they know ahead of time they won’t nurse, but hospitals no longer give it out without regard.

Julia says:

Why does it matter to you why another makes the choices she does? Your tone is really judgmental. Women have brains and can think for themselves. The decision on how to feed their child is theirs alone.
If a woman chooses to jump to formula at the first sign of trouble, that is ok. It’s HER decision. It does not affect you or your children. Formula should not be locked up. It is not poison. It does not harm babies. Mom’s do not have such tiny little brains that they can’t make decisions, and we have to keep evil, evil stuff away from them unless they beg. It’s demoralizing, and misogynistic.

Wendy says:

I’m sorry if it came off as mysoginistic. That was certainly not my intent. My concern is that I know moms who really wanted to nurse who felt like formula was foisted on them without exploring the options. When you have just given birth, you are exhausted. It is easy to take the path of least resistance and I have just heard too many stories about moms who never got their supply up because doctors insisted that formula was better or nurseries fed babies formula against a mama’s wishes without asking. Keeping the formula locked up and in lower supply isn’t so much a measure to force moms to nurse (something I very strongly disagree with- nobody should ever be required to do something they can’t or don’t want to) so much as to keep doctors and nurses accountable and encourage them to support new moms who really want to breastfeed instead of pressuring moms to jump right to formula.

Alison says:

LOCKING up the formula? So now, new mothers (along with being hormonal and sleep deprived) have to suffer the pangs of guilt and possible judgement when having to ask the nurse or doctor if they could please, just have some formula for their baby?

Talk about a step BACKWARD for women. How we choose to feed out babies is OUR choice; not the hospital’s, or the Le Leche League’s. Hospitals should be making ALL safe, legal feeding options available to new mothers, not locking away one of their choices.

Who are you, or any hospital, for that matter, to limit a woman’s access to a safe, healthy way to feed her child? The implication is that women are either too weak, or too stupid to determine what is best for their baby.

We could posit all types of scenarios here about why a woman would need to supplement with formula during her hospital stay; but the end result is that a safe, life-sustaining feeding choice is being taken AWAY from new mothers, which is not how things are supposed to be. Not at at all.

They don’t just hand out formula samples, though. They also hand out pumping supplies, lanolin, nipple shields, the whole kit and kaboodle. I am thankful that the hospitals and doctors have the ability to give these items out to parents free of charge – it’s a great way for new parents to explore all of their options. It’s too bad that hospitals in MA are acting like formula is an “extreme case.” I think that’s terribly unfair.

Nancy says:

Amen!!!! 25 years ago I felt like such a failure because I was not able to nurse my son due to inverted nipples. I tried and tried! I would get comments like ” breast fed children are smarter ” . My bottle fed son spent grades 1-12 in the gifted program and graduated with honors from high school and college . Not that it even mattered how ” smart” he was to me . I got comments like ” breast fed babies are healthier ” My son had no major illnesses and when he did get sick he bounced back quickly . Did I mention he grew to 6 ft 4 ? I loved the comments saying ” you need to nurse to bond ” . Just last night my son and I were trying to pick the song for the Mother/Son dance at his wedding next month . I can tell you not one song said ” I love you Mom because you nursed me “:) My husband is adopted and of course was bottle fed and comments like these upset him as well . With my second child ,a daughter, I didn’t even attempt nursing and I was so much more comfortable with my choice the second time around . She turned out just fine too . My other gripe has always been woman who say to those of us who had c sections ” oh .. You had it the easy way” ” did you have your baby the normal way “? I always responded that aliens delivered my children because to me that is the only thing that sounded “abnormal ” . Thank you Heather for speaking up .

Glenda says:

Nancy,
Same here. I didn’t breastfeed at all, and thankfully I did what I felt was right for me and my son. Women should stick together and not try to make other women feel “less than” So if you don’t breastfeed you don’t bond?! I too had a daughter 3 yrs later and same as yourself totally the bottle and they are both just fine.

Heather thanks for bringing this issue to the forefront for some many women.

My friend said it best “slam your nipples on drawers before you start to breastfeed because that’s what it feels like the first few weeks” lol

I never had those comments crop , because my labor was certainly a lesson on which would have been easier.

I was induced and proceeded to struggle for 24 hours of pain, without my water breaking. They had to puncture my amniotic sac, and after than labor proceeded, until about six hours later I was ready to push. And I pushed, and pushed. For five hours. Baby got stuck in birth canal. The OB on call had to talk me into a C-section, because frankly, I didn’t want to go through the extra recovery pain. But there was no other way: kid’s heart rate was dropping, and she was likely in some respiratory distress too. So 36 hours into labor I begrudgingly had a c-section, and next thing I know I came back from the local anesthesia feeling like a gutted fish. I was in some abdominal pain of some sort for the next two weeks, and that was while taking painkillers.

I don’t think anyone I know has ever dared say that I didn’t earn my stripes. “Easy” would have been to just give birth naturally.

jj says:

lilcg says:

I tried to breast feed and then I tried to pump and supplement. I felt like my body betrayed me and I was guilty and depressed and so focused on the breast feeding that I didn’t bond with my daughter as much as I wanted to. when I stopped trying to breast feed, I was able to sit back and actually enjoy my baby and fall in love with her. I think the key is just doing whatever is best for you and your child–not only physically, but also emotionally. do I regret giving my daughter formula? no. do I regret that first month of lost time when I walked around in a stressed, depressed fog because the breast feeding wasn’t working? yes. neither my daughter or I deserved that. And, I went to the lactation specialists and doctors and no one ever counseled me to give up. I honestly wish they had. I wish someone when I sat weeping in doctor’s office because the breast feeding wasn’t working had said to me that it would be okay to use a bottle and to supplement, that my daughter would be fine and that I wasn’t a failure.

Stacey says:

If you haven’t already, I would look into finding a breast feeding support group in your area. I went to one through the hospital where I delivered my son and that changed everything for me. If you are thinking you still want to continue breast feeding, I would strongly encourage you to look into. It’s so hard, I agree that there should be way more info out there. It’s funny reading the comments here and seeing all the moms who were absolutely going to breast feed before the baby was born to being non committal after. I was the exact opposite. I was just gonna go with the flow but once he was born I just felt like a huge failure every time I had to supplement, or when he was struggling. I’m sure I cried every day for the first 2 months. I just couldn’t give up though. Luckily I didn’t have to and it’s largely because I found the support group. Hang in there, heather and remember that you are a great mom no matter how your baby gets fed.

I have a support group – it’s actually what prompted my thinking on this post! I think support groups are great for new moms, either formally (like in-person meetings), or online. Whatever it takes to make new moms feel supported and confident!

Jenny says:

Thanks for the post, Heather. Breast feeding did not work out for us. It’s not for everyone. And I think that is okay. I wish all the best to every new family and baby. I really do. It’s not my place to judge every.single.decision that parents make. Whether breast feeding works or not, I’d like to see the judging stop and the “holier than thou” just stop. I could not be more proud of my smart, happy, healthy nine year old. At the same token, I don’t carry forward with me every family that I’ve ever met. People spend so much time and energy judging others (especially women to women) and it’s just not important to your baby’s development.

casie c. says:

Tell it! Agree wholeheartedly. I think the literature should say “Breastfeeding SUCKS sometimes!” (the pun is cute, but mostly it gives honest expectations. I had heard there can be difficulty, but never, ever expected it to be as hard as it was. Still nursing my 2 year old, so we pushed through, but it was beyond difficult and I think I would have gotten through with more of my sanity intact if I had more support and felt less like a failure.

As an avid breastfeeder, I see the power in these messages. They’re reclamations of a tough journey, a badge of pride. I don’t think they’re meant to exclude or ignore difficulties but instead encourage positive societal thinking about breastfeeding in this country where women who nurse in public are often made to feel guilt or shame for not bottle feeding. No, it’s not easy – but what is ever easy in parenting? Nursing saved me from what I think would have been severe depression because of my unplanned c-section; I gained so much pride that my body was finally able to accomplish something after what felt like a huge biological failure for me. It was so frustrating that everywhere I turned – from the hospital to friends and family – that formula was pushed as easier and better.

I really think the key is finding a tribe around you that supports your decisions as a parent, whatever they might be, and can help you become the parent you want to be at whatever stage you’re at. From feeding to potty learning and beyond, having people to support you is what’s most important to me. It makes me sad more people don’t feel supported by LLL or lactation consultants, but I’m so thankful I found helpful ones.

Mandy says:

I couldn’t agree more with this comment. I had an amazing lactation consultant and she was always one step ahead of me. I think the BIGGEST lesson to be learned is that everyone is different. Nothing works the same for everyone. I feel like as a society of women we should be kinder to each other. I feel so judged by other moms sometimes and it’s really unfortunate. I have heard judgements passed for not breastfeeding and for breastfeeding “too long”, for letting kids eat sugar and for choosing to keep sweets out of your home, for putting babies to sleep on their bellies and for letting them sleep in swings, for cosleeping and for putting a newborn in their own room. It’s never ending. We should be each other’s biggest supporters and that’s just not the case. When it comes down to it we are all doing what we think is best for our baby, right? We are all making choices out of love for our kids…what more could we ask for?

Colleen MN says:

I had one baby who struggled with it, and one that loved it. I struggled with both. I hated how isolated I felt and how I was the only one responsible for feeding, neither would use a bottle despite several attempts. If I had it to do over, I’m not sure I would breast feed. There were special times, sure, but the stress, isolation and the times I just felt like a cow were tough.

Jessica Stringer says:

Totally agree! I was in so much pain the first few weeks that I almost gave up. The lactation consultant kept telling me it shouldn’t hurt, but it did! BIG TIME! I wanted to smack her in the face and say, Oh that shouldn’t hurt! My poor nipples were so cracked and bleeding and everytime my little guy would latch on, I would cry because it hurt so bad. I’m proud to say I stuck with it and have been able to continue to breast feed and pump milk for while I’m at work for almost 7 months now. Planning for a year. I know some moms don’t make it that far and that’s totally ok, but I’m proud I have. I do agree that they should tell you of the things that possibly will go wrong instead of only making it like it’s a walk in the park. I have found a support group on facebook that is very helpful with any questions you might have. This Milk matters…check it out!

I had every consultant say that. The difference is that the third one went a step further and added “we need to find a way to make this happen”, and she did. Big lesson: if an LC is not sympathetic enough to your problems, find another one.

Michelle H says:

Totally the truth. I was lucky to take a class dedicated exclusively to breastfeeding, but still freaked out in a panic when engorged when my milk came in and couldn’t get my baby to latch. It was my husband (who I made take the class with me!) that remembered what to do in my panic.

If a pregnant friend asks for advice, I always say take the class and know how to use your pump before you have the baby incase you become engorged!

Peggy says:

I am a lurker, but this hit so close to home, here I am commenting. My oldest daughter is 11 and I still remember sitting in a lactation consultant’s office, sobbing my eyes out because my milk did not come in and I could not breastfeed my daughter. She was kind and gentle and kept telling me it was OK, and that my baby would be OK. I — with the raging hormones of a first week mom — felt like a failure. I still remember, however, her professionalism, straightforwardness and kindness. She did not tell me this lightly, but the answer was irrefutable.

Contrast that with the clerk at the local breastfeeding mom’s boutique where I had gone to get a nursing bra. When I mentioned that my milk had not come in, she told me to give it 10 days or so. Or with the hospital’s lactation personnel, who followed up with me, and when I explained what had happened (the lactation consultant I had seen was through my pediatrician’s office), refused to accept it, and made me feel horrible. Or even with those I encountered in the hospital with my next 2 daughters who seemed unwilling to believe that I was a woman who just did not produce milk. I breastfed all of them for the first several days (with supplementing from the start), just to see if it would be different, but it never was. They made me feel like I was something less than a real mom. By my third, I was ready for them, but even with the second, I felt so sad and like such a loser.
And you know what? My children are now 8, 9 and 11. They are smart and extremely healthy. Yes, I would have preferred to breastfeed, but it was simply not an option for me and I have used my soap box ever since to educate friends as they head into their first breastfeeding attempt so that they understand that it simply might not happen and, as hard as that is to accept, it’s OK.

Elise says:

I don’t know, I think telling people that they are capable of doing hard things is empowering. We do it daily with our kids, “you can do”, “everyone falls down, shake it off and try again.” So if we expect our tiny children to cheerfully face the challenges of learning to use their bodies, why wouldn’t we hold ourselves to the same standards? Bodies were made for physical activity, but every athlete needs to train and has plenty of bad days. Running and climbing are natural activities for humans but hard for someone new to them.

I am in no way a breast feeding purist, I nursed/pumped/bottle fed/formula fed triplets. We did what felt right to us and went with what worked for us. But I really appreciate those women I encountered who, when I told them I was going to “try” to breastfeed, told me to “just do it”. Nike make have had it right with that campaign. Honestly, I think that the language we use around failure is the problem. Failure shouldn’t be a dirty word, we shouldn’t take it so personally, just like we tell our kids not to take it personally. We try things, we do our best and sometimes we fall short. So we change direction and try again, or try something else until we succeed. Failure is so important, so necessary to our eventual success, we really shouldn’t deny ourselves the opportunity. What we should really focus on is being “all in” with respect to whatever route we take in parenting.

debi says:

I love your comment “Just Do it”. Back in the old hippie days we all breast fed our babies.Now and then there would be a poor mom who was having a problem. Everyone gathered round and helped out. I recall no judgement. But we also had no breast pumps “Just in case”.Until you know what you’re doing they really can and do interfere with the supply and demand. It breaks my heart to read so many women have problems and little support. Maybe we were just lucky and had fewer problems because we didn’t know we should be expecting them. I do know now that breast shields can make a big difference.These days I believe like many of you, as long as your baby is loved and you do your best,that’s all that matters. How that baby gets fed is not the be all and end all.

Margie says:

Thank you. I tried but my kid wouldn’t latch on. Rather than keep working on it for weeks and weeks, I gave up and started pumping. And, after about 3 months, when I started drying out, I gave up. It was hard. I already felt like a failure from having an unscheduled c-section, an allergy to NSAIDs which lead to incredibly pain afterwards and then this? Sigh. But I made it and so did my healthy baby. Besides, formula isn’t so bad. It’s come a long way. It’s not rat poison.

Lisa says:

I did not want the pressure of breastfeeding. It did not feel natural AT ALL to see my daughter sucking my boob. It grossed me out. I decided before I had Ava that I did not want to breastfeed. When we were in the hospital, the nurses tried to make me. One nurse got into my bed with me, grabbed my boob and shoved it in her mouth. She did not latch on. I had hardly any milk. She refused to give her formula, said she could go 6 hours without eating. Then she would be hungry enough to latch on. I said, UM NO my brand new baby will not be starved for 6 hours because you feel that I should breast feed. Get the formula, now!! And she did. I was so pissed. But they tried to make me feel all guilty about it. And I just brushed it off. I did try to breastfeed her when I got home. It never worked. So I pumped and would get like half an ounce of milk. So I just put it in the formula. After 2 weeks, I said to hell with putting the apparatus on myself and looking like even more of a cow. So that was it. Don’t be hard on yourselves. Having a baby is crazy enough. No need to worry about how much the baby is getting, if they are full. And feeding every two hours. It is all just too much. I admire those who stick to it and figure it out. It was just not for me. And Ava is healthy, smart as heck and well, maybe a little too smart :).

Elise says:

Annie says:

I think that’s where the ‘it’s natural’ comments stem from when speaking about breastfeeding. People that say ‘it’s gross’. Um that’s how babies have been fed for centuries. Fine if it isn’t for you or if it doesn’t work out for you, but please don’t say that it’s gross.

I’m so glad you brushed it off – I am pro-formula, pro-breast, pro-FEEDING BABIES. I totally agree that we shouldn’t be hard on ourselves, and we shouldn’t make others feel guilty for choices that are different than ours.

Marie says:

I am going to go the total opposite of the ladies who have commented thus far. Obviously you are having a very hard time with the breast feeding and I did too. But I cannot remember anyone telling me it was wrong to give a bottle to my sons. Yup, after the first son (we tried but I hated it) I gave up the breastfeeding and every son was fed with a bottle. If you wait too much longer to start him on the bottle that might also not work. You have to do what is best for you and your baby. But mostly you. You are the one who gave birth, you are the one who struggles to feed him, you are the one who hurts. Be gentle with yourself and decide if it is worth it to YOU. Trust me, he will be just fine with a bottle!

Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
p.s. James is really starting to look like Mike now. He’s adorable.

Amen! I have breast fed 2 babies both completely different nursers. Even with the experience the second child wasn’t easier to feed. I will still be a nervous wreck if we have a third going through breast feeding again. The first 3-6 weeks are so hard and you doubt every moment. I still have issues with my 7 month old and think about weaning every other week. I have no judgements, mommas need sleep and babies need food. The only thing I ever recommend a new momma to do is to go to a nursing group. It’s the only thing that go me through with my first.

MG says:

I think around here the message is (or at least was) if it’s “too hard” just give up. And that wasn’t helpful for me at all. Or, it was helpful on a certain level. That being, if you tell me I “can’t” then you better believe I’m going to try like heck. That was 10 years ago almost, with my first. I’ve been able to breastfeed all 4 of mine without supplementing (currently still going with my 11 month old) but, yes, it was a LOT of work. I don’t think of myself as better than anyone. Everyone should do what works for them. But it was a huge accomplishment for me. The person who gives up way too easily. My first was very difficult and everyone from the assistant that checks on you after delivery, to the nurses, to the pediatrician, to family and friends suggested I bottle feed because “not everyone can breastfeed”. Which is true but not what I wanted to believe I guess. Thankfully, I had a wonderful lactation consultant that worked through it with me. I was DESPERATE for other women’s knowledge in the area too. For me, it wasn’t breastfeeding that was “over-romanticized” if you will, it was everything baby/birth/mothering in general. I CHOSE to read only the good….regarding it all. I didn’t read up on emergency c-sections much or 4th degree tears, or colic or breastfeeding NOT working. I assumed all would go as it planned. Motherhood was a shock to me in many ways. I think many of us are blissfully unaware of the problems that could happen and only seek out answers if we actually need them. Although, I did take a simple breastfeeding class at our hospital so I was slightly aware. Good post, in that it raises awareness. It would have been much more “accepted” in certain regards to bottle feed. Again, I think all should do what works for them and hopefully are supported in the ways they need to be either way.

True story. Nobody told me that it was common for the milk of HG moms not to come in. Nobody told me that a preemie, emergency c-section, and not seeing my baby for hours after birth could have any sort of effect. They did send in LC after LC to emotionally beat me up though. What more can you do than pump and pump and pump and let the baby try? I finally had it put on my chart to SHUT UP about breast feeding. Do not bloody mention it in my presence.

Of course we finally learned that had I been successful, I could have really hurt my son, due to his rare disease we didn’t know about at first. Turns out my body was doing the right thing. Who knew.

This isn’t quite in the same spirit of your post, but I’d just like to say that formula was the ONLY way my son survived. We knew EXACTLY what was in it, and how much. This was vital to his condition. (http://thesaltypeanutproject.org if you want to learn more about him)

Breastfeeding doesn’t always work out, and to make a mom feel like a criminal for it, is well, criminal.

I do agree that we should be informed of what can go wrong though, absolutely.

Ali says:

UGH Sarah! I had all the nurses telling me similar things when Maddie was in the NICU: The only thing I could do to help her was pump.

And, I am very pro-formula. Maddie received breastmilk AND formula because we needed to monitor every ounce and calorie she consumed. I had the HG supply issues with all of my kids (I realize this looking back, I only found out this was common a couple months ago), and formula became a wonderful option for our family. Thank goodness we had that option!

Jenny says:

I think it’s amazing, and hardly coincidental, that your body knew what to do. What could be more natural than that? The hospital interference level, while typically served with good intentions, is off the charts. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope that your son is healthier now, and living a full life with his condition.

PHA-1 does not appear to be an absolute contraindication to breastfeeding but I acknowledge that it would be difficult to quantify sodium intake. However, it appears that breast milk is lower in potassium vs formula which (from my limited research) appears to be another important factor. I read your blog with interest, so glad that you and your medical team were able to find what worked for your son.

Judy says:

Elise says:

We really need to stop using the word “Nazi” to refer to people with a strong, vocal, point of view. Unless the pro-breastfeeding crowd starts physically removing babies from their non-breastfeeding mothers and putting them both in death camps it’s incredibly inappropriate to call them “Nazis”.

I was lucky before I had my first because I took a breastfeeding class offered through my hospital that was taught by a lactation consultant/nurse who was not afraid to lay it all on the line. In fact she said she figured more of us were likely to succeed if we knew what to expect versus sugar coating it. So when I ran into those early issues that often happen in the early days of breastfeeding I felt prepared. I am about to breastfeed my third child when she arrives next month. I owe my success so far to that nurse. I wish every new mom had someone like her to tell it to them straight.

JennS says:

This turned into a novel… I had great plans to breastfeed, to get a pump and figure out a way to get it all done when I went back to work, to have a baby that is breastfed almost forever like my cousin’s kids… Then I had to be induced a week late, the baby wouldn’t descend, I had a c-section, they didn’t have a room, and I didn’t get to feed my baby until I saw him 5 hours later. Once I got to my room I said I wanted my baby so I could feed him. The nurses all said, “He hasn’t nursed yet?” You would think they would know, since I saw him in the recovery room for about two minutes before they took him to the nursery. On our second night in the hospital, our baby was brought in from the nursery to feed at about midnight. We said we’d call to have him taken back when he was finished feeding. He started screaming. And screaming. And screaming. We tried every position we had learned that morning in the breastfeeding class. I was crying and holding the baby and so sad because my baby was starving. All I could do was cry and hug my baby. At 2am, my husband finally said we should call the nurse and get the baby a bottle of formula. I said that was fine and we called the nurse in and she showed me different ways to sit and hold the baby and express milk instead of making him suck and said we didn’t need formula. I was never in so many uncomfortable positions in my life. The baby finally fell asleep exhausted from crying. I felt so guilty. The next day we wanted to leave, go home, be a family, relax together in our own bed. The lactation consultant stopped in and tried to give me more breastfeeding tips and told me how to pump and supplement with breastmilk. She said it took two to breastfeed a baby. I asked how that’s possible since my husband had to go back to work in a week. Our baby had lost 13 oz. We started supplementing with formula that we had gotten as a sample when we got home. We took him to the doctor two days later and he was down a full pound from his birth weight. We were told to keep up supplementing with formula. Instead we supplemented with breastmilk. I would get so excited every time I spent an hour pumping and got an ounce. Two hours later I’d be so disappointed to spend an hour pumping and only get a quarter of an ounce. We went in again 5 days later with a happy 10 day old formula-loving baby for a weight check and he had gained back all his birth weight. I felt so guilty that I was spending an hour trying to breastfeed, then actually feeding with formula, then spending an hour ignoring my baby so I could pump. I got the best advice that day — that the breastfeeding wasn’t worth my mental health. And it went on like that for two weeks. Our baby was getting about 6 oz. of breastmilk a day for his first 15 days, which was only 3 of about 8-10 bottles a day. I finally decided that enough was enough and I’d rather spend those 8 hours a day holding my baby than fighting with the breastpump. Unfortunately, not everyone understands and certain family members have made some very heartbreaking comments about the fact that I formula feed. I just choose to not socialize with those people anymore.

I’m so sorry you had to deal with insensitive family members! Formula is an amazing option, and I’m glad that you made the choice to use it. It sounds like it was 100% the best option for your family. You have my support!!!

Julie says:

Some of us simply do not want to breastfeed and that is FINE. My daughter was born at 28 weeks and one nurse in the NICU pressured me so much about breastfeeding that I was in tears. 12 hours after an emergency C-section and this woman would NOT let up on me explaining that my body had already let my child down, this was the LEAST I could do for her, etc. It was cruel. Finally, my Dr went and spoke to her to explain that I was not going to be off the heavy dose blood pressure meds I was on any time soon (still am on them 8 years later) and to STOP GUILTING me about having a preemie and not breastfeeding. She was incredibly cruel and that overzealous, preachy attitude about breastfeeding did nothing but harden me against it further. Blood pressure meds or not, I did not want to breastfeed and that was MY decision.

Annie says:

I hesitate to post this but I sort of had the opposite experience. I wanted to nurse my twins and received a ton of support in the hospital for which I was very grateful. But I was the first woman in my family’s generation to have children. My mother’s generation did not breastfeed (at least not in our family) and I was really given a hard time about it. My mother would constantly come to visit and start yelling “I want to feed one of these babies a bottle!” Even our pediatrician at our 2 month check up said to me “You are STILL breastfeeding?” So I think a lot of women receive criticism for nursing as well. I really had no physical issues nursing my twins (except you know, having two babies on me every two hours round the clock) but it was draining so I stopped at 4 months. Four years later, I gave birth to a singleton and being older and wiser, I knew I wouldn’t let the negative feedback stop me so I nursed him for much longer. So sometimes, I think those pro-breastfeeding messages are meant for women like me, who didn’t always have the support from family and doctors.
I guess the bottom line is, we shouldn’t judge either way. How we feed our child is one of MANY choices we make as parents. As long as they are loved, taken care of and fed (whichever way we choose), it shouldn’t matter.

Cecilia says:

I love this. I have a beautiful chubby breast fed oy baby. I also have a successful formula fed 4 year old. My daughter could not latch. She almost got a failure to thrive so we did 50/50 for 6 months and then went to formula. We found out later that she was a stroke survivor and after years of speech therapy learned that her younger weakness was definitely part of the struggle to nurse.

Before having my son I decided that I would just do what worked for us. That I would try to breastfeed but if it didn’t work it would NOT be the end of the world. During my prep time I put something on Facebook asking moms what their favorite bottle and formula was. I recieved a Facebook message asking why I was going straight to formula and why I wasn’t going to breastfeed. I think it’s so important to support each other but not judge. I explained that I felt unprepared the first time and wanted to do research this time. And I did. I had bottles, formula, nursing covers, pumping stuff and a breast feeding pillow ready to go.

It hurt feeding my guy. Like crazy hurt for 6 weeks. I wanted to scream every time he latched but after a few months we got it. All of my mommy friends do talk about the reality of it. It hurts and it can suck but its also rewarding. I love the bonding time with my guy and I love looking at his fat thighs and knowing that I’m helping make those.

My son is 14 months old and I *still* feel like a failure because he wouldn’t latch. It was my first job as his mother and we failed. I think that this post is so entirely right on. We need to be honest- breast is best, but it’s hard and that bullshit line about how every mother can breastfeed isn’t helping anyone. In theory, every mother can breastfeed, in practice, babies have nipple aversions, mothers have poor milk supply (yes, it does exist) and sometimes it just doesn’t work. Breast is best, it’s natural and it’s also unbelievably challenging and rife with emotions.

Julia says:

Amy says:

Thank you for the post. We all need to understand that there is no one right answer. Every situation is different, and no one is better or worse for what they decide to do. No one should feel like a failure. If breastfeeding works, great. If not, that is okay, too. The most important thing is to love that baby with all your heart and nourish them however you can.

I remember being in the hospital with my first child, and the nurse holding her head so tight up against me trying to get her to latch on, that she left an indent of her thumb in my daughter’s head! That didn’t happen again. I was unable to breastfeed her, but tried again with my son. I’m not sure of the exact problem, but I had such excrutiating pain in my breasts, it felt like they were being sliced open with a razor. The lactation consultant I spoke with on the phone said she had the same thing with all four of her pregnancies and just sucked up the pain to provide breast milk for her children. I really have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I remember sitting on the couch at some ungodly early hour of the day rocking myself and sobbing with the pain and actually thinking I might just jump off the building to stop it. That woke me up to the craziness. Stopping wasn’t easy, of course, because the body doesn’t just turn the switch and you are done. But, my sanity, my sense of health became so much better when I switched to the bottle. My children needed me to be healthy, both physically and mentally. They did absolutely fine on the bottle. I have no guilt, they have no hangups, and I no longer want to throw myself out of buildings!!

Mommy says:

I remember with my first son, at my post partum check up at my OB’s office, she asked (sort of nonchalantly) how nursing was going when she saw my son on the breast. I said, “Great!” as I winced through the pain in my cracked nipple. My husband confessed, “It hasn’t been easy.” And I shot him a look and was pissed that he had somehow betrayed me- I was determined to breastfeed, and not only that but I was going to make it look easy like those moms on the breast feeding brochures! My OB stopped what she was doing, looked me in the eye, and said, “Breastfeeding is the hardest thing in the world. Even harder than giving birth. No one can prepare you for hard it is. You don’t have to pretend that it’s easy. Are you in pain?” And I burst into tears. Partly because of the hormones but mainly because of her honestly. It was just SO nice to hear someone admit that it wasn’t easy! She then gently took my baby off the breast and showed me a proper latch that wouldn’t hurt. She sent me to an amazing lactation consultant and sent me to the pump station for their Breastfeeding support groups and all of a sudden, nursing got so much easier. I don’t know if it was from someone finally admitting that it was hard, or from the support of the group or the consultant, but everything finally clicked. I will forever be grateful for my OB for those words though- because once I stopped feeling like a failure because it wasn’t something that came easy for me, I was finally able to relax and was so much more successful.

I love this post and agree 100%. Breastfeeding is HARD, yo. Can we all stop pretending that it isn’t??

I went on to nurse my first until he was 13 months, and my second for 18 months before they self-weened. I am totally pro-nursing, if that is what works for mom and baby. I’m also pro-formula, if that’s what works for mom and baby. But I think that we are doing a disservice by making people think nursing is easy and painless, especially at the beginning. Also, even as a second time mom, I saw a lactation consultant and did the support group, because even though I (kind of) knew what I was doing, I wanted and needed the mental and emotional support to be successful. We all need to support FEEDING OUR BABIES, however that happens. Feed on, mamas!

Mommy says:

Sorry to comment again, but I had to add that I think it’s weird that people have so many opinions about what we choose to do with our “private parts” and those of our babies. Whether you deliver vaginaly, whether you breastfeed, whether you circumcise your baby- those are all very personal decisions yet so many people want to chime in and judge others for what they choose to do or not do. It’s all very strange. I blame the Internet.

Mary says:

Agreed! People comment from the moment you are pregnant (you are too big, you are too small, I can tell you are carrying a boy/girl, you’ve dropped/you haven’t dropped) until the kid is at least 1 (breastfeeding/sleeping/weight loss/etc.). So weird. I think people need more things to do! Makes me crazy!

debi says:

Rachel says:

Hmmm, I went into BF without any expectations or pressure – I had always said I would give it a try. Strangely enough, I never felt bombarded with these messages to BF(I have given birth in 2 different states). Maybe I subconsciously ignored them, or it was because I didn’t take any classes? The only lactation consultant I talked to was one in the hospital with my firstborn who showed me different positions (I had had a c-section). 2 days after discharge, his weight was already above the initial weight. BUT he did feed hours at a time for weeks at a time, literally (I think the longest stretch was 11 hours in a row, with only 5-10 mins inbetween, just enough time for me to get to the bathroom). Of course, I never felt comfortable falling asleep while he was feeding, so I was exhausted. He weaned himself at 1.5, midway through my second pregnancy. My second was the perfect BF baby – nursed with a perfect latch as soon as I put him to the breast. At night he nursed quickly and went back to sleep. A dream! Still nursing him a lot now at almost 2 years old. Has it been easy? Not sure, especially with my first. In my case, however, I think it was a whole lot easier than bottle feeding would have been. No making up bottles in the middle of the night, no cleaning bottles, no worries about bringing supplies with us on our way out the door, and as a bonus, no expensive formula… . I think they should simply hand out lists with possible advantages and disadvantages of the different ways of feeding LO at the obgyn/hospitals (including money saved via breastfeeding!), with a conclusion that the trade-offs may be different for different families.

yes! A pamphlet like, “Feeding your baby” with all the options, pros, and cons would be great – especially with the line you have here “the trade-offs may be different for different families.” Perfect.

Karen says:

Ugh, absolutely! I just had my 3rd child (2 weeks today!) so I at least knew enough to just nod and smile when the helpful lactation folks asked if it was going well, because there shouldn’t be any pain…

Please. I have never had a newborn who nursed without causing some pain, because they are tiny with no control and your nipples are so not used to it! I always set myself a 2 week benchmark – I can handle this for 2 weeks, and we’ll see if it is worth it – and it has always improved by then. But the beginning is HARD! I nursed each of my first 2 for a year, even with returning to work – now with #3 I’ll be home full time so hopefully it will be even smoother!

Mary says:

Thank you for getting the message out. I struggled and struggled and struggled with both of my boys for 9 months. It makes me sad that I felt so much pressure to breastfeed both. I feel like our whole family didn’t get to enjoy baby-hood as much as we could have! One of the best comments someone shared with me was formula is not battery acid! You don’t have to act like it is! It is so hard not to get so wrapped up in it all.

Allison F says:

Thank you for posting this! I had made the decision to stay on meds for a chronic illness and NOT breastfeed before my 1st son was born and I was treated poorly by hospital staff, lactation consultants, friends and strangers alike for the choice I made. I am now having baby boy #2 and do want to try it but, am fearful of failure. I know whatever route I end up going…it will be best for baby and me.

Sunny says:

As a L&D nurse, I do tell my new moms that although breastfeeding is a natural process, that doesn’t mean it’s going to “come naturally”. It’s trial and error, and as long as you find a way to feed your baby (breast OR bottle) it’s fine.

Long time reader over here! Congrats on your Jamester…my Jamester is starting Kinder in Sept. and my oh my how I miss my baby

But in regards to your post, I had the exact OPPOSITE experience. I felt bombarded by the message that breastfeeding was going to be SO HARD, near IMPOSSIBLE. That my milk would not come in, I’d get mastitis and the baby would improperly latch endlessly until my nipples fell off.

With my first (who is now 9) I remember making the decision early on that women had been nursing their babies for centuries and as difficult as it was, I’d figure it out. And yes my son was improperly latched for the first week, and yes he lost a few ounces, and yes it hurt like hell, but we figured it out and he nursed for almost a year.

With my 2nd son I had a 14 unit semester to return to a week post-partum and a 4 year old to chase about, and so my milk really never came in. I conceded to formula within 3 months.

I think that like with so many things motherhood, it all comes down to giving ourselves a break. We do our best every day to love and care for our babes and sometimes we’re “Mother of the Year” and sometimes we’re royal F ups. No one is keeping score on our breastfeeding or the kind of birthday parties we throw, or when they’re potty trained or whether we circumcised our boys or infinity, infinity. And if “they” are keeping score, turn on your heels and find new “theys”, because one of the most necessary assets a mother needs is support and high-fives.

I agree with you, BUT I also know that there are also a lot of myths out there that make it even more difficult to breastfeed than it has to be. Unfortunately, when trying to dispel those myths, people are told they are not being supportive.

I’m currently nursing my 5 week old. He’s my 4th child. All have been breast fed. Some exclusively, some have been supplemented with formula. They’ve all been on breast milk for varying lengths of time. One for 18 months, one for 12 and one for 8 months. I had to dump all my stored breast milk with him as we found out he had some food allergies and we had no way to know what I had eaten before pumping that milk since it was frozen months before. My current little one does get some formula because I work part time and trying to pump with 4 kids just doesn’t work. All hell breaks out around me while I’m tethered to the stupid pump. I’ve never had one this young on formula and I feel guilty but he drinks it just fine and I can leave him with the sitter with no worries while I’m at work and then nurse him when I get home. You just have to do what works. Kids are hard!!!

April says:

Yes!! go Heather! Thank you. This is what I’ve been trying to do too! I have a 9 week old, and anytime someone asks how breastfeeding is going, I try to say “I don’t get the warm fuzzies from it like other women, I don’t enhoy it, but I’m glad I’m doing it so I don’t have to wash bottles.” (And for the antibodies). It’s also lonely! No one told me how boring and lonely it can be. I takes up most of the day, and I still need 2 hands to nurse, so there’s no way to read or anything at the same time. After working with infants for 4 years, I really miss bottle feeding – you can look at babies face to face when bottle feeding. But I’ll keep doing it, hopefully for a year, to do right from a health perspective.

Eventually he’ll get efficient and big enough where he’ll be able to stare at you even when breastfeeding. A few months ago I saw a mom breast feeding her little one on the bus, and he did the cute thing that older infants do, which is pause to stare at mom and sigh a happy contented sigh before returning to the business of feeding.

I have to confess that just for a minute there I was a bit jealous, having weaned my little one a year ago, but just for a minute (i.e., how long it took to remember how much little teeth hurt).

Casey says:

I had the same thought. I struggled with breastfeeding both of my kids – and the one “argument” that breastfeeding was so much more bonding never worked for me. Whenever I gave my babies a bottle, they looked right into my eyes. I felt we bonded more over bottle than breast. My son is now 3 months old and on all formula (I nursed exclusively for 2 months, but dealt with mastitis, head colds, thrush, and milk blisters all within that time frame. Once the thrush cleared, but the blisters formed, I was DONE. I was so tired of crying and being in pain every day.) Heather, I’m not sure if you’ll address it again, but I’d love to hear if you’re still nursing James. Not in a judgy way at all – just curious how things ended up working for you. It’s all so fresh to me since I’ve recently switched my son to all formula and now I’m back at work full time.

LD's Mom says:

Totally agree! I heard so much about how hard pregnancy was and mine was a breeze. I heard so much about how bad labor could be and mine was a breeze. I heard how little sleep you get with a baby, but I was blessed with a sleeper right off the bat. I am so very grateful that those three elements were the way they were for me and LD, as they really can be such a struggle for others. But breastfeeding was SUCH A STRUGGLE for me and I was totally caught off guard. It just didn’t occur to me that my baby wouldn’t know how to latch and all the pain, blood and tears that happened as a result. I really thought it was just a technique that took practice and that surely I would be able to get it. I was terrified of using formula too soon because of all the messages I had heard so I got my baby’s frenulum clipped, used nipple shields and toughed it out for months. I really felt alone with that struggle, and since the rest had gone so easy, there wasn’t a whole lot of sympathy coming my way. I agree that a more honest message on the front end would be helpful to moms.

Giselle says:

Yes. Just a million times yes. I was fortunate to have a mother and mother-in-law who remember how hard it was at the beginning and supported me and gave me encouragement. More information would just be better!

kari weber says:

I always said that breastfeeding was the best, hardest thing I ever did. And that includes birthing two humungous babies. 9 pounds and 9 pounds 11 ounces. I loved it, eventually. And it was easier, eventually. But it was the hardest thing I ever did. Hands down.

Website ate another long post I was trying to post, so here goes a succinct version.

I think part of the crazed militantism about breast feeding has come about partly because an entire generation was raised with the expectation that bottles were the only way to feed, at least in the U.S.. When all parenting books before the early 80s mostly ignored breast feeding, it’s bound to create a “back to basics” movement.

My experience was the opposite of some people here. By far the harshest advice and judgment did not come from LCs (I credit a hospital certified one for helping me figure out how to solve all the problems without feeling shame), but from other moms out on the web. I had to stop reading sites like kellymoms because they made problem sound so maddeningly easy to solve. They weren’t. I was left wanting to quit months in, because I had multiple problems (undersupply, then bad latching, and later, ironically, oversupply!).

The only reason I did not is that my kid refused bottles, so essentially she refused to let us quit. I tell that to other moms all the time. That, if nothing else, gave me a motive to ignore most unhelpful advice (nipple shields are bad! Feeding mostly from one side is bad! Football hold is best!), and to try ANYthing that helped us.

Jessica says:

Thank you for writing this. I completely agree. My friends and my sister didn’t have any major problems with breastfeeding. But I did. I even went to the lactation consultant for follow up after follow up. My baby was losing weight. I HAD to supplement. The lack of milk was putting him in danger. Then I started pumping. And once I did that he really stopped breastfeeding. Now my sleepless night became even worse. After I fed him I needed to pump. My second child was a little better but my supply was not. I went thru bottle after bottle of fenugreek, ate tons of oatmeal, etc. Nothing really helped. I brought the baby to my older sons baseball game. It was time to feed him so I brought out his bottle and fed him. The woman sitting behind me actually had the balls to lecture me on how I really should be breastfeeding him. And she kept going even after I said “this is breast milk!” I went home and cried for half an hour because I felt like such a failure. Twice. Truth is both my kids were drinking formula only from the time they were 4 1/2 months old. They are both smart, have no significant health problems. They do not get sick more than breastfed only until 2yrs kids. They are happy, healthy kids that I treasure each day (even if it is when they are sleeping like angels).
This is becoming as bad as the stay at home mom vs. the work outside of the home mom. WE ARE ALL MOMS!! We need to support each other not chastise on another. Hopefully we get there someday.

Nate's Mom says:

My son collapsed his lung upon coming into this world and spent his first 4 days in the NICU, and as is NICU policy received Forumula feedings regularly, that kid had zero desire to have anything in his mouth for the first two weeks or so, and I had to endure nurse after nurse trying to force him onto my breast even after the head of the lactation consultants basically said he was too traumatized and needed to come to it on his own. The attitude I received from the hospital staff was that I didn’t care enough to force my screaming turning purple son onto my breast. The truth is I loved breastfeeding, once my son settled down and we were at home he latched on like a pro and I had very little discomfort while nursing, the issue ended up being that I had very little supply and ended up ditching nursing after 6 weeks. I still feel guilty about it, that guilt really comes from the messages that are shoved in my face all the time, which I agree are all fairly onesided, it would have been nice to just once hear while I was in the hospital that you know, try it and if it doesn’t work out you’ll both be just fine because really that’s the truth!

Tami says:

I think it is great that you are telling truth here, Heather. I know you are not trying to scare new mothers away from breastfeeding. I have three daughters that I breastfed. It was a different situation with each one. My first was a preemie so I didn’t encounter a lot of issues that came up with the second. I was very surprised at having problems with it at that time. So now I always tell new moms that it is a beautiful bonding experience with your baby that nothing compares to. In that aspect to me it is worth it all. But I also say that they need to be dedicated to it from the get go or when something hard happens, they will easily give up. I also try to encourage the benefits to the baby when breastfed and I am not afraid to admit using formula to supplement when I needed to. It has to be an individual decision to do what works for each mom and baby. For me, it was something I will be very thankful I was able to experience with my babies!

I think you have to tread very lightly with the bonding language. I don’t find the bonding to be any different when I feed via bottle. I love my baby exactly the same. I think the bonding language is often something that makes moms feel like failures.

Jolene says:

EXACTLY. Again, I supplemented my daughter for 6 months prior to switching to formula exclusively and feel absolutely no different whether I gave her a bottle of formula or if she fed from my breast. We bonded exactly the same way. She would look into my eyes and I would hold her and caress her the same way. Couldn’t agree more Heather.

BCB says:

Great post. I think it’s also frustrating that now it’s not enough to breastfeed until six months (which I did- my daughter didn’t take a bottle until 7 months which was a stressful horrible experience when I went back to work). But there is so much guilt about breastfeeding until 2! Every mom around is prolonging nursing. I think it’s wonderful for them but I feel guilty honestly saying that I didn’t WANT to nurse anymore. I suffered chronic pain because of a difficult delivery and being hunched over trying to nurse my child became excruciating. When she finally took a bottle, she seemed to self-wean within weeks and I happily stopped nursing. Now I feel so guilty about it.

Jody M says:

Thank you for this post! I just had my 3rd baby in April and I tried to breastfeed him. I really wanted it to work, but I had low milk supply. The lactation specialist put me on herbal medicines that were supposed to increase my milk supply, but all it did was give me terrible upset stomachs. When that didn’t work she wanted me to go on medication that had horrible sounding side effects (I’m especially sensitive to medications), but that didn’t matter to the lactation specialist it was “this is what you need to do”. I was breastfeeding a sleepy baby every 2 hours. It took 45 min to feed him then I was supposed to wait 20 min and pump and by time I did all this it was time to feed him again. And I was supposed to do this around the clock. My milk supply stayed extremely low and I was exhausted and just couldn’t keep up with it. It was the worst feeling of failure and it sent me into depression when I should have just been enjoying my baby. Every issue that comes up with my baby (reflux, fussiness), I keep thinking “if only I was able to keep breastfeeding him maybe this wouldn’t be an issue”. There were so many comments from friends and family that hurt when they saw me using formula. The worst comment was “I believe if your body can make a baby, then your body has ability to feed it and keep it alive”. Heather, thank you for writing this post because it’s helped me see that I am not alone and others have had similar experiences.

Funny, I don’t remember the messages being so sugarcoated before I had my first daughter. I remember being WAY more worried about breastfeeding than I was with labor and delivery. Maybe it was subconscious pressure as a result of those messages you mentioned? Or maybe it was too much time watching A Baby Story and seeing all the new moms talk about how hard nursing was for them. Regardless, I was fortunate to find great support, which I definitely needed, (and maybe blessed with parts that worked well enough, not without a lot of work on my part) to help me achieve my feeding goals. I know it’s not easy, though, and I wish that all new moms could reach their feeding goals the way the wanted, without resentment from themselves or society.

Good for you Heather! I personally hated breast feeding (I hate the word too). I nursed both my kids one to 9 months, one to 6 months. I have an abundance of supply, enough to feed 3 kids, but I hated every minute. My tailbone still hurts daily from hunching to get the baby up over my huge boobs.

I think what YOU want to do with YOUR body is YOUR business. If someone judges you…well, that’s what middle fingers are for!

Ali says:

It’s hard. And it’s not for everyone. Whether by choice or necessity, families who choose to formula feed should be supported. Families who choose to breast feed should be supported. I feel like I joined this amazing club when I became a mother, I just didn’t realize there were mean girls lurking, too.

My son latched ok, but my milk never came in. I thought it had, and he was getting a little something, but at his first dr visit, he had lost too much weight and his jaundice was off the charts. Through my hysterical tears, we had to re-admit him to the hospital to be treated for the jaundice and to get his weight up. I cried through many lactation visits. The guilt was overwhelming. I felt so supported by everyone at the hospital and my doctor – the nurses in the pediatric wing helped me pump, but also brought us formula for my son.
I tried and tried and tried, and it just didn’t work for me. My lactation consultant even suggested it might not be my path, and that it was ok. She was so kind to me, and so supportive, and my husband was fine with whatever we needed to do. Really, he was the only one whose opinion mattered in this situation. So I stopped trying to get my milk to come in after 3 weeks and moved to formula.

I think, for me, the hardest thing was I wasn’t prepared to fail. Everything tells you that it’s what’s best for your baby, and nothing says, “But it’s ok, YOU are ok, your baby will be ok, if it doesn’t work.” The pressure was crazy. And the judgement still is ridiculous. I see a lot – just keep trying! Why? Isn’t there enough happening in your world and to your body than to add the stress of pushing something that may not be working? Every family needs to decide where their breaking point is, and be comfortable with that.

My son is a heathly, happy, right-on-target 2 year old.

We need to all do what is right for our situations and then support each other through it.

My mantra in the start of parenthood (in order to try to be patient with my husband) became: Different is not wrong.

Jenny says:

I had the same mantra, and it served us well. I must be doing something with this parenting thing right, because I’ve been asked for my advice from parents-to-be several times. My response is always the same: Your way is not the only way, Accepting help is not a failure (and turning it away is a fool’s errand) and Do what feels natural to you.

Best part of this story? I had an unplanned C-section and I did not breastfeed. And, yet, people think enough of my parenting skills to ask me for advice. It’s an honor, when you think about it. Lord knows parents-to-be get enough unsolicited advice.

Heather, I love this post. How much info do pregnant women get about breastfeeding from their caregivers? Usually very little to none. Just those pat messages, with no actual, technical advice or support. I actively sought out a lot of information and support on breastfeeding before my first baby was born, but I’m the rarity. Even though I was well-prepared, and had a ton of support, and had very few problems, it was still really, really hard the first time. Painful, even though it was normal. So much harder than I ever imagined. No wonder so many women give up. YES to everything you said. We need REALISTIC and EARLY advice and support to women about breastfeeding. Just YES.

Roz Curry says:

My children are grown and I’m now a proud “Nanny” x3. I can still remember going cross eyed for the first couple of weeks of breast feeding my kids. One question: If it’s so “beautiful” and “natural”, why do so many people get their panties in a twist if a mom chooses to discretely nurse her child in public? I got the stink eye 30 years ago and I don’t see much change in that attitude today.

Jerilynn says:

Loved reading this post and the ensuing threads. I agree that women need and deserve realistic advice about breastfeeding–and frankly, everything else related to parenting. If you don’t breastfeed, you’re told you’re selfish/lazy and that there will be negative health ramifications for your child. If you do, well, then you must be ready to pop out your own personal dairy in the middle of Target because you’re one of those “crunchy” types. If you work, you’re selfish and don’t care about your kid “being raised by strangers (gasp)”. If you don’t, you’ve “let yourself go” and “have no life of your own”. If you work and your husband stays home, well, he must be an emasculated moocher. If you have a nanny, you must want your beauty sleep. If you don’t, well, you’re refusing help and isolating your child!! And so on and so on . . .I think I’ve beat my point to death.
Breastfeeding debates are pandemic to a culture where we simply don’t support women’s choices. And who are the worst offenders? I’m sorry, but they are often women.

Heather, thanks for posting such an honest commentary. Thanks also for letting me weigh in with my two-minute invective.

Jolene says:

AMEN HEATHER! I was reading this and had so many mixed emotions…I wanted to cry because of how true this is and I was angry that this post had to be written at all! I “whispered” every time I supplemented my now 9 month old. Breastfeeding was SO hard for me but I struggled through the pain for 6 months. I am happy and proud to say that my daughter has never been sick once and I feel like we have bonded equally whether I was breastfeeding her or giving her a bottle. Thank you for this. Preach it sistah!

Jennifer says:

You know what else though? When a new mom runs into a problem or struggles, instead of people (family, doctors, nurses etc) suggesting that breastfeeding isn’t for everyone or now that babies do just fine on formula (which are BOTH true yes), how about we support new mother’s and helped to resolve the problems first without giving up?

Think about when our children struggle at something. Do we tell them automatically to quit and that it’s just not for them or do we try to help them? I know that’s not a perfect analogy but I think it works.

With my first child, I struggled a lot. My daughter had a shallow latch due to nothing other than a small mouth. Within days I was blistered and bleeding and NOT getting better. Her latch looked ok from the outside, so no LC or nurse offered help. I was in tears everytime she nurses, but I had decided that as long as I was making enough milk, that would be my children’s source of nutrition. So I turned to the internet, online LC’s, my mother and mother in law who both nursed. And I figured out a solution that worked for me and baby, until she was a little older and her latch could be fixed. And when my younger daughter came along, and her latch was shallow, I knew enough about what felt right and wrong, to adjust her latch myself!

Paula says:

I didn’t breastfeed until my last son. It was HORRIBLE after the fourth day. I cried and cried. He was a hard sucker and ate fast and furious. 40 minutes then two hours later another 40 minutes. He also drank 4 ounces of formula after the 40 minutes of breastfeeding.

He weighed 10# 14oz at birth so he was GINORMOUS and was all about tearing up the nipple – literally. I cried and cried as I gently cleansed my nipple before feeding because it was cracked and bloody. I called the hospital and Le Leche and they BOTH said I must be doing it wrong. Before I left the hospital the nurse said he didn’t have a good “latch” and then attempted to remove him from the nipple to reattach and she couldn’t break his grip. He was latched. (I think he might have growled.) So she said “Yep, he’s latched. No worries.”

I’m glad you posted this because it IS important that every new mommy know that it isn’t easy for everyone and that’s okay too.

I nursed my oldest for almost two years, and hated almost every minute of it. And by minute, I mean HOURS. She ate nonstop the first four months, and then after that would only nap if I was holding her and letting her nurse (so, three hours a day.) I had scabbed over nipples for over a year, but of course, she wouldn’t take a bottle and I was so convinced that I was doing the right thing that I nearly lost my mind over it. I weaned her as a birthday gift to myself and didn’t miss it for a minute, even though the last few months she’d only been nursing in the morning.

Now with my new baby, I’m sad about starting solids soon, and I love the closeness and the snuggles. He also only eats for a few minutes at a time, doesn’t bite and always latches well, even in public.

I’m still pretty convinced that I won’t nurse him as long as his sister, and the day that I can hang up my nursing bras for good, I will sing and dance like I’m in a big budget musical. Eff that hippie crap!

How did it go on for two years? My LO also hated bottles, and we tried everything under the sun. She just liked chewing on mom. After about 10 months she went into daycare, where finally she would drink from a sippy, albeit begrudgingly, and then I got tough: if she could drink from a sippy at daycare, she could do it out and about.

Once we established that, I cut out feeds at home one at a time. It took a few more months… but I weaned her at 15 months. I can’t imagine putting it off until 2 years old.

After a year, it’s more about the closeness anyway, so I worked hard on getting the “mama’s breasts have no milk, but I can hold you in my lap while you drink, and to read, and play…” message to her, which eventually percolated down to the world’s most stubborn daughter.

She is one willful kid. She eventually took a sippy cup, but not if I was around, usually. And as far as napping – it was either hold her and let her nap in my lap, nursing, or have her cry for hours and hours and hours on end. She was completely unable to self soothe, and no amount of leaving her to sob made any difference. So I turned into a martyr! Such was motherhood. Thank goodness my son is a thumb sucker.

See, there you go. Call me callous, but I didn’t want to be martyr mommy. So I co-slept and breastfed because my child literally gave me no choice on the matter, but only for as long as we were both comfortable (kid hit 25 lbs by 18 months, so I’m grateful I pushed her to wean when I did).

As my daughter’s pediatrician would say: “ultimately what’s best for baby is to keep mama happy”. And what made me happy is to help her figure out how to self soothe: it takes four blankets, a bear, a monkey and a cast of rotating books in her crib to get her to sleep (giving up the crib has been the major hurdle in her third year, even as she has an actual full size bed available to her… I know willful, in other words), but we made it happen, too.

But the point about closeness – there is still an incredible benefit to children getting breast milk at a year and older. I avoided giving her cow milk until she weaned, and when all of her friends passed around hand foot and mouth she nursed through it and avoided mouth sores and dehydration.

Julia says:

Formula fed infants and children do not have statistically significant higher incidence of disease or illness in developed countries with access to clean water. This comment is implying that mothers who formula feed are making a less appropriate choice in their children’s health. The idea of the discussion here is NOT to be judgmental, but that is exactly what you are doing.

Meg says:

I am actually not saying that at all. I am saying that WHEN my daughter got sick, I personally felt good that even though she refused to eat or drink, she nursed and so I avoided a trip to the ER. I firmly believe you can be just as close to your baby, no matter how you feed them. I am contradicting the idea that there is no nutritional value to nursing a toddler. Good food is good food, no matter your child’s age. And breast milk is good (not always best!) for babies, and sometimes toddlers.

Jenny says:

I wish people cared as much about their child’s nutrition after the 2nd year as they seem to about the nutrition of every child (even beyond their own) under two years. I think if more people fed their kids real food (smaller portions of balanced meals) then more restaurants would offer something besides hot dogs, hamburgers and chicken strips with fries. They would do this because it’s a business, and they’re trying to make money. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard other parents say “my kid will only eat… total crap”. Excluding the kids with real sensory issues, who have very limited food options, this is because the parents take the easy way out and keep providing the same crap for their kids. Given the numbers, these are some of the same people who judged me for my emergency C-section (please! the mama bear claws are out on that one) and formula feeding. I’m sitting next to my 9-year old, who snacks on nuts and fruits and is currently eating a plate of raw veggies.

Good on you, Heather, for encouraging Annie to eat new and different foods. I miss those recipe posts.

angela says:

I read your blog faithfully but never commented. Both of my boys were premature: one hospitalized from birth for seven weeks until he could come home, one came home right away only to be hospitalized on his due date (after being home for six weeks) with RSV. Despite an unexpected, complicated birth (the first one) and deathly illness (the second one), everyone expected me to breastfeed! CRAZY!! I pumped for the first one (no chance of him taking the breast after six weeks of feeding tube and a bottle) and my milk didn’t come in for the second one (and even if it had he was hooked up to a respirator for 18 days upon hospitalization).

My point: doesn’t it seem insane that even with complicated births and arrivals, the expectation is PUMP, PUMP, PUMP…when the parents are probably fighting for their sanity and to understand what is medically happening with their child.

Michelle says:

Thank you for your post. I will save a link to send my first time mom friends. I think that nursing my kids (twins) was the hardest thing I have done in my life. I had so many mixed feelings when things weren’t working. I felt hurt and betrayed by people who told me it was natural and should be an instinct. I was also really bummed that I couldn’t do what others found so easy! After four months of struggles I gave up on having my son nurse and instead pumped for him. This decision wasn’t easy to make (especially with a le leche advisor telling me that he was getting a sub-par version of breast milk), but I am glad for my sanity that I did. Luckily my daughter was a great nurser and I was able to keep at it for over a year (she kept my supply going for her twin!). I try my best to tell my expecting friends about my struggles and give them references to awesome lactation consultants because I do not want them to feel so lost and miserable as I did. We need more realistic information out there and references for people who can help when needed. I think your blog post is a great description without fear of “scaring” expectant mothers, and I hope it reaches many moms. Even though I am done nursing now, it made me feel relieved to read your post.

Stephannie says:

With my first son, following an emergency c-section I was not prepared to be force-breast-feeding.
Sure, I’d thought I would try it – and be successful instantly – and I was NOT prepared for any of the anxiety and feelings of complete and utter hopelessness and failure.
I was not prepared to have bleeding, cracked nipples after day-two in the hospital and bawling each time he tried – unsuccessfully – to latch…hell, as a first time mom, I didn’t KNOW what a “good latch” WAS and the nurses were not all that forgiving or helpful.
By the time I got home, I was pumping and formula-feeding, avoiding or lying to the nurse who called to quiz me on my breast feeding – “How long is he feeding on each breast? How many wet diapers in a day? How often are you feeding him?”
I had incredible guilt because I JUST. COULDN’T. DO. IT.
With my second son, I packed bottles, my breast pump and formula in my hospital bag (second c-section I knew I’d be in the hospital for at least 3 days).
I gave it almost two days – I had the nurse help me try and get a good latch and really gave it my all – I honestly wanted to see if I went in with more realistic expectations if it would be different.
After my second unsuccessful night, when my nurse came in the next morning I said to her: “I have decided that I am not going to try and breast feed. I will pump and supplement with formula…and all I need you to say is you respect my decision…and this is not up for further discussion.”
She smiled, nodded and left me to it.
It was the most wonderful, relaxing, beautiful moment for me – standing up for myself and my baby – and I actually enjoyed the rest of my time in the hospital, because no one was harassing me about “getting him on the breast.”
It started us off on the right foot, because we were both relaxed and happy.

Elizabeth Armstrong says:

I have three children. With my first daughter I was 19. I know kinda young but we got married shortly after she was born and have been together for 7 1/2 years. I tried breastfeeding with my first and it was so hard. The nurse wouldn’t even help me. She told me that it was supposed to be a natural instinct for me and baby. I had never gone through this before so I felt really discouraged and thought that if we didn’t have that natural instinct then I should switch her to bottle. I did that in the hospital. When my second daughter was born she wouldn’t latch either. I had better nurses in the hospital but with the latching problem I pumped for a month and had to supplement with formula. I got Mastitis before and with this pregnancy so my milk started slowing down. At a month old I switched her to straight formula. With my third child, my son, I couldn’t get him to latch in the hospital either. They looked at his mouth and said the Frenulum(?) was to tight and they clipped it. It still didn’t help with latching but I still kept at it and pumped. I got Mastitis two more times and still kept at it. I finally got him to latch on at four months old. I breastfed and pumped until he was ten months old. Then I quit breastfeeding and put him on pumped milk I had frozen until he was one and the milk was gone. I know what it means to feel less than good enough. I always saw my sisters and friends breastfeed so easily and wonder what was wrong with me. I am still totally for breastfeeding if possible even after all I have been through. I love it but I know how hard it can be.

amy says:

Breast feeding/circumcision/drugs during labor… Natural or c-section. All bring out some pretty powerful emotions in young mothers which is sad. The baby period of life so short in hindsight; my advice to all those new moms and dads out there is to just roll with it, go with what works for you. No one cares as much as you do so go with your gut.

This whole conversation reminds me of after I gave birth to my twin daughters and was going to get them from the nursery. I overheard one of the nurses disdainfully pointing at a baby and saying “He is a Bottle Baby”. Shameful. Just shameful.

Sharee Smathers says:

emily e says:

I think whoever said breastfeeding doesn’t hurt is full of crap. I’ve nursed 3 babies and every time it has hurt for at least 2 weeks at the beginning. (No latch problems except for a tongue tie on baby 2 – now that REALLY hurt until I got it clipped). Breastfeeding may be natural but it is not easy. Especially for newbies.

Karen says:

I am not a parent but at age 39 have watched friends and family wade through the trials and tribulations of breast-feeding. Dude, it does not look easy. It seems what is normal is that almost every baby/mother team has to play around a bit with trial and error to find the perfect latch position. All of these women have told me that it is often painful.

cynthia says:

My son is a week or 2 older than James, but he arrived very early and was in the hospital for 6+ weeks. He was on an IV for the first week and then pumped (carefully measured) breast milk given via feeding tube for the next 3-4 weeks. Toward the end of his stay they introduced a bottle (since the amount of milk had to be measured), and I was finally able to try BFing in the SCN (special care nursery) in the last week or so. Since he was so small he would (and still does) get tired before he got full. So for us it has been a combo of BFing and pumped bottles so far. He’s 12 weeks old this week. He still falls asleep nursing, but if I put him down he wakes right up and is still hungry. I’ve been going to a BFing meeting at the hospital and the LC keeps reminding me that he is “really” only a couple of weeks old. It should get “easier/better” as he gets older. I’m worried that we’ll still be on this path when I go back to work in September but… I can’t make him stronger/bigger! As long as I can pump he’ll get breast milk. It definitely hasn’t been easy and just going to the BFing meetings has shown me that lots of people have difficulty.
Anyhow… nothing new to add but I’ve been really happy to have your story to follow along with and all your readers’ comments to see how other people have handled their own situations.

Carrie says:

Breastfeeding is hard. It took me three babies to somewhat get the hang of it; and I still don’t know it all or have all the answers. All three have had formula and they have survived. My first two had by far the most, my current third 9 month old has had the least, but has had some supplementation in the beginning. You need to go into breastfeeding without the idea in your mind that ‘this is what is going to happen, end of story’. There are way too many things that happen (latch issues, late onset of milk production, soreness, etc.) that change what your idea of how feeding your baby is going to happen, and that is ok. I found that getting as knowledgeable about it as I possibly could without physically having the baby on my breast was helpful, but still didn’t take away every problem that I had. This time I went into it with a short term and long term goal. Short term goal in the beginning was weeks. As in 3 to 4 or maybe even 6 weeks if I was lucky. At that point I didn’t even think long term goal. The only thing that really helped was breastfeeding groups at my hospital. Every Wednesday I would go in and have him weighed to make sure he gained for that week. If he gained ‘yea!’, which he usually did every week, if he didn’t; we talked about what may have been different that week, what needed to change, etc. My LC is fabulous and never made me feel that what I was doing wasn’t sufficient, even if it mean supplementing with 2 oz. because I was sore. Once I went back to work at 12 weeks, I had to rely on my pump more and really it made life easier. It was at that point I started thinking long term goals of about 6 months. Honestly, I don’t think I could have exclusively breastfed for as long as I have without the use of my pump, and you know what I do have some guilt about it. Some die-hard breastfeeders or LLL people will say ‘why pump? put the baby to your breast only, there isn’t any need for a pump’. But you know what, I have found out what ‘works for us’ and I am sticking with it. I pump anywhere from 3-5 times a day and nurse anywhere from 1-3 times a day. We are at almost 10 months and still going strong. I’m not going to have shame in that, or that he had supplementation, or that he doesn’t exclusively breastfeed. Every mom and baby needs to find what works for them, and it isn’t going to be identical to anyone else, whether its formula, nursing, pumping or any combination of those. Bonding will happen no matter how you feed your baby.

Jennifer says:

JV says:

Marin D says:

I enjoyed your post. It is very true. I’d also like the same thing done about pregnancy. Nobody ever talks about the problems that can be present during pregnancy. The books skim over it like it doesn’t happen. I am grateful that my doctor with baby #1 had suffered from severe hyperemesis. I mean, not that I want anyone to have it but it was nice that she could relate and took it very seriously from the beginning. If she hadn’t taken it seriously from my first appointment at about 6 weeks, I would have certainly lost my baby and possibly my life because I was so unaware of what could happen. There is a complete lack of support and understanding. And you always get the, “oh, my morning sickness was so bad” comments. I had other problems along the way as well and was not prepared for them. I am grateful my husband put up with my hysterics and my mom gave me the needed sympathy.

So when I tried to breastfeed and it just didn’t work out, I didn’t feel bad. I was able to very successfully pump for both of my girls. I was tired and saw my sister suffer emotionally from breastfeeding troubles that I decided I would not do that to myself. So when it was difficult and trying, I pumped. I am sure people judged my bottles but they had no idea it was my milk in there. And you know what, everyone else got some time to bond with my girls. And if we aren’t bonded, then someone explain to me why I can’t keep them off of me on a regular basis?

Abby says:

As a lactation consultant, I could not agree with you more. I think we have a lot of work to do as a culture around getting accurate, helpful information to moms. The “breast is best” message has been heard loud and clear, but women also need to hear what breastfeeding is really like (ideally prenatally). Informed women are so much more likely to be successful, and women who know it is normal to struggle are so much more likely to seek help, in my opinion.

I also feel so sad reading some of the comments from women who have had what sound like awful experiences with lactation consultants. Our job is not to push breastfeeding/breastmilk, but rather to listen to moms and together create a plan that works for that specific mom & baby. Sometimes, the most important thing I can do for a mom is let her know it is okay to give formula, stop pumping, get some extra sleep, etc. Choosing how to feed your baby is such a personal, complex, emotional choice… the last thing women need is someone who should be in their corner making them feel guilty.

I know this comment section has gone quiet, but I’m just now catching up on your blog. Between her 2 and 4 month appointment, my exclusively breast fed baby only gained half an ounce. Everything else was perfect, but she hadn’t gained a single pound, and it was all my fault. It was the worst I think I have ever felt in my life. I felt like I failed, like I didn’t do enough. The truth is I just have never done this before and didn’t know what to be looking for. She seemed happy and satisfied after nursing. Once we started supplementing with formula, she has quickly caught back up with gaining weight but each time I feed her a bottle of formula, I feel the strangest mix of emotions- I’m thankful I can feed my baby but disappointed in my body. I’m sad that my body failed me again. I’m trying to process these feelings, but in the mean time, I just keep reminding myself that I am feeding my little girl and that is the only thing that matters.