Blog Brother Episode 5 – You’re The Only ****** I See My Brother

Alright, let’s get STRAIGHT TO BUSINESS! Kara’s gone. Frank’s HoH. Boogie and Frank are doing their best Chilltown impression. Willie’s pissed off. WE ALL GOOD?! GOOD.

People are starting to get worried about Willie… FORESHADOWING!!! Janelle wants to break off her Bosom Buddy alliance with Britney because she can’t control Willie. Britney is soooo sad. Guys, she doesn’t even want to speak to him.

Dan’s down to one player, so he’s doing everything he can to keep Danielle in this house. And… that’s as far as that scene went.

Jojo voted to kick Frank out, but she’s totally loyal guys and she just tried to vote Frank out because she’s totally loyal, okay? She’s going to convince Frank to stay away from her… in a good way.

GUYS WHO WANTS TO SEE MY HOH ROOM!!!! Willie, like EVERY OTHER HOUSEGUEST ON BIG BROTHER, doesn’t want to see it. Cause he’s not a fake person, okay?

Frank’s got great bone structure for a mullet apparently. Boogie has a son, which is scary. Willie is feasting on a plate of crow, served cold, according to Ian. Willie’s not in this house to be comfortable, he’s in this house to win money. This is going to be one of these blogs…

Britney and Willie are meeting. TENSION! Britney is going full-on mom against Willie. Willie keeps telling her that he’s not here to play as a team, he’s not here to play with a coach, and Britney is not impressed. Willie knows he’s the problem, but he’s a big boy. He can take care of himself. As Britney says, “our team is screwed”.

Guys, Shane is definitely Danielle’s type. His personality is definitely her type, his body is definitely her type, his sex is definitely her type… “If something happens, it’ll be because it’s real…”

The coaches (minus Janelle) are now talking about the Coaches Competition twist. Boogie is trying to convince Britney that it wouldn’t be a good idea to trade Willie. I think Britney’s seeing through it though. Good job Brit. Does Boogie think he’s good at this game?

Janelle and Dan are bonding over how they miss their families… AWWWWW! THEY ARE SO SWEET.

Ian wants to go out with Ashley. Ah, this is going to be great. Guys… Ian and Ashley talked about pizza the other day. Boogie and Dan are on board. Dan’s going to get her. “Someone might want to ask you something outside”. Ashley’s face just DROPS. Ian asks Ashley on a slop date. She says yes. And WE ALL KNOW THAT ASHLEY LIKES THE NERDS! AND IAN LIKES THE PSYCHOS! Haha, Ian has a bowtie… and he has to pick Ashley up… and this is just too much. “Sometimes when I get nervous, I get a watering eye…” “Can you please explain to me the difference between organic chemistry and non-organic chemistry?” Ian thinks that a showmance will help his game. He thinks that if they play this out right, they could go the distance… IN THE GAME GUYS! MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

“So… how awkward is this?”

Alright, enough MONKEY BUSINESS! It’s time for the Coaches Competition. It’s 90’s hip-hop themed. Britney totes doesn’t get it. Did you watch Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Britney? And ONCE AGAIN, I’ve been too busy being snarky to listen to the rules, so let’s figure it out as we go. There’s a pile of cash and a balance beam. The coaches have to move side-to-side across the beam with their stacks of cash. There is a post at the end and they’ve got to find a way to stack all of their cash bricks onto that little post. The usual “don’t fall off” rules apply. Britney seems to be doing pretty well so far. She’s “like a frickin’ flyin’ squirrel”; “like a jackrabbit across that beam”. OH! And she knocked some cash off that stack… and apparently that means she’s out. Should have listened to the rules. Ian starts out a comment with “As we all know…” and everyone in the world stops listening. Boogie places his last cash brick on the tower, goes back over to his button, hops off, and hits the button. HE HOPS OFF AND THEN HITS THE BUTTON! Disqualified! Wow. What an idiot. Janelle wins it. Janelle opts to not trade any of her players, so she gives Ashley immunity. HUH? Ashley, the non-existent player? Janelle picks Willie, Jojo, Shane, and Ian for the have-nots. She picks all of Britney’s players + Ian. None of them are happy. Well, Ian seems to be fine with it. Willie and Jojo most definitely are not.

This show you guys… this show.

The have-nots get pork rinds and pudding along with their slop. “Oh no, ew, pork rinds are nasty! We have them in New York, where you get your cigarettes and coffee!” Shut up Jojo. I don’t think I even know what a pork rind is. Willie wants a team meeting. Britney says NO. She pulls Jojo away from Willie. Britney’s being all mom-y again by telling her little Jojo to stay away from that boy. “I DON’T WANT YOU TALKING TO HIM!”

Willie decides to be “noble” by saying that it’s not fair that his team is being blamed for things he did. He decides that he’s going to get the heat off the other players (meaning Shane and Jojo). Ominous. Boogie and Janelle are up in the HoH “celebrating” when Willie heads upstairs to confront Janelle (Apparently when Janelle was picking have-nots, Ian raised his hand.) Joe goes to lock the door but Willie opens it. Willie says that he’s going to get evicted before he walks out that door (whatever that means). Willie leaves.

Jojo’s talking about Willie when he walks in the room. Awkward. She says “I’m sorry, but I can’t be seen talking to you. I told you that Frank was going to get HoH if we didn’t vote him out. You made your bed.”

Time for the meltdown. “I ain’t never seen a bigger group of ******* in my life”. Britney is upset. Willie is pissed, like ACTUALLY. “You can’t act this way in real life” she says. “I do”, Willie responds. Maturity in action. “Bunch of *****ers in this bitch.” Joe replies, “You’re the only ****** I see my brother.” “What? What did you say? What did you say? Hit me! Hit me!” Boogie and Janelle rush out of the HoH room. Willie charges Joe. “Willie, go to the back bedroom.” Willie wants to know “what y’all comin’ down here for?” “Joe, do not follow him.” “He head butted me.” Britney’s in tears. Wil, Jenn, and Jojo are hiding in the storage room. The house is in shock. “Willie, come to the DR NOW.”

Testosterone

“House guests? If you could gather in the living room.” “As you all know, violence is not tolerated in the Big Brother house, so Willie has been removed from the game.”

Evicted for VIOLENCE

Britney’s relieved, but it’s bad for her game. That’s one of her players down. Ian claims that it’s “the least dignified exit in Big Brother history”. Shane says that “a real man would have stuck it out.” Joe asks that Willie “please find peace brother”. And I ask that you return next time for another SHOCKING EPISODE OF BLOOOOGGGG BRROOOOTTTHHHEERRRR!!!