Guru

Guru has never been shy about banging his own drum so he was delighted to be
able to take this tendency to an extreme at the recent Business in the
Community conference.

Much to the surprise of embarrassed CEOs and company big-wigs, all delegates
were presented with a small African drum at the end of the conference which
they were then encouraged to play in an attempt to build unity. A small army of
frantic PRs sealed exits and ushered delegates forward as a look of horror
spread across the faces of the assembled corporate high fliers.

A group called the Drum Café led the drumming, which it claims breaks down
barriers, encourages teamwork and encourages managers to listen to colleagues.
Most at the conference made a speedy exit as soon as possible, but much like
Animal from the Muppet show, Guru was still there at the end of the night
manically banging away alone.

Coarse culture a tonic for Indians

Call centre workers in India are
being taught all the latest gossip from Brookside, EastEnders and Coronation
Street to help them get on the same wavelength as their UK customers.

Up to 100,000 Indian workers, contracted to the likes of Great
Universal and British Airways, are being offered college ‘culture courses’ at
£200 a head.

Besides learning about the latest happenings on The Street and
The Square, they are taught about the British love of football, beer and fish
and chips and how to adapt their accents.

Guru is depressed – what a sad indictment of UK culture that it
is best known for depressing soap operas, football, beer and fish and chips.

Criminal tendencies awakened by
code

This week, Guru is toying with the
idea of becoming an arch-criminal.

Guru’s domestic balance sheet was starting to look a little
one-sided following his unfortunate consultancy associations with Enron and
WorldCom, when along comes the latest draft of the (mis) Information
Commission’s monitoring code.

Having read the details, Guru feels confident that he could
pull off a multi-million pound fraud. So for you disillusioned disciples, who
now realise how small their pensions will be and have decided to leak sensitive
data to competitors, here’s how:

– Do all dodgy phone calls in the toilet, and send e-mails from
your boss’s office – both have been designated as areas where staff can expect
privacy and employers would need evidence and police involvement to monitor;

– Ensure all e-mails start with ‘Watcha Love Bundle’ or
‘Dearest Snooky’, and send them to a ‘personal’ address – employers cannot open
‘personal’ e-mails unless they have evidence of wrong-doing.

So, while today Guru is harnessing the internet at work to play
a game testing his ability to spot the difference between ladies and lady-boys,
tomorrow he will use the same medium to RULE THE WORLD.

CRE boss slip up is just not
cricket

Guru has kindly been invited to Lords
this week to discuss sustainable growth in the energy sector – and watch a
glorious England cricket victory over India, of course.

Gentlemanly conduct will be top of Guru’s agenda following
Gurbux Singh’s recent googly at the one-day international between the two
countries.

The head of the Commission for Racial Equality was arrested for
the alleged use of threatening behaviour after stumbling into a police
officer.

Singh was detained, before being released. Police have reviewed
CCTV footage, and while they have overturned three dodgy LBW decisions, they
have not yet brought proceedings against Singh.