- Is it true that in the Soviet Union one can order food by phone ?
- Yes, but delivery is by TV.

- What should one do if a tiger attacks his mother in law ?
- That is the tigerīs problem.

- What is socialism ?
- It is the historical process of creating numerous problems that are easily resolved.

- Is it true that they are giving cars to people in Yerevan ?
- Yes, but it is not in Yerevan, itīs in Gyumri, and not cars, but bycicles, and they are not giving them, but stealing from them.

***better version of the same joke***

- Have you heard that Academician Ambartsumian has just won a Volga car in state lottery?
- Of course I have. Only he's no academician. He's a night watchman. And his name is not Ambartsumian. It's Rabinovich. And it was not a car. It was a hundred rubles. And he played poker, not the state lottery. Oh, and by the way: he didn't win!

- Is it true that the poet Mayakovsky committed suicide? A: Yes, it is true, & we have even recorded his very last words: "Don't shoot, comrades."

- Why is there no flour in the market?
- Because they began adding it to the bread.

- Is it true that in the Soviet Union people do not need stereophonic equipment?
- Yes. One hears exactly the same thing from all sides

Not Radio Yerevan:

"How long are you in for?" one of Stalin's victims asked, somewhere in Siberia. "15 yrs," came the response. "What did you do?" "Me, nothing!" "Oh come on, everybody knows that for nothing one gets only 10 yrs."

about radio yerevan
there is a member in the forum from sweeden, i don't remember his 9or her) name,but i recall going to the profile and checking the personal website, there were some radio yerevan jokes there

Which is the biggest country in the World?
- Czechoslovakia.
- How dare you. Don’t you know that the Soviet Union is the biggest country in the World?
- Well, it took 10 years for our troops to withdraw from there.

What would happen if Bulgaria invades Sahara?
- After 2-3 years they will start importing sand.

Do you think that a Civil war might break out in Bulgaria?
- No. Bulgaria is mostly populated by village people.

Should I believe my friend who says that his wife is an angel?
- Is your friend a widower?

How the smart Bulgarian talks with the stupid Bulgarian?
- By the phone from Canada.

Why some man love Olympic games more than their wives?
- With the Olympics at least you know for sure who was first.

What is the price one should pay for being married?
- It’s the same as in the West – your freedom!

Why the return of the Soviet Space station from the Moon was marked as a huge success?
- Because finally we have an evidence that something can leave the Soviet Union and come back.

When the economical situation would become better?
- Better? It was better already.

Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first communists?
- Probably, yes. They both have dressed very sparingly, they had modest requirements toward food and have never had their own house, and besides all of that they believed that they are living in the paradise.

What is the shortest description of a scientist?
- A person whose blood pressure is higher than his salary!

What have changed in our justice system after the death of Stalin.
- It was prohibited to shoot down the defendant before announcement of the verdict.

Can you sit with a naked a** on a hedgehog?
- Yes, if the Communist party calls for it, if the a** belongs to somebody else or if the hedgehog is properly shaved.

What is the difference between socialism and capitalism?
- Capitalism makes social mistakes, while socialism makes capital mistakes.

Can we proud ourselves with an exceptional achievement of the soviet agriculture?
- Yes. We plant the crops and afterwards we receive the harvest from Canada.

What should I do if a total stranger sits next to me at the bar and starts sighing with relief?
- Tell him immediately to stop with this anti-Communist propaganda.

Is it possible to wrap up an elephant into a newspaper?
-Yes, if the issue contains the theoretical considerations of Leonid Brezdnev.

We have sent one of our best breeding bulls to Cuba, but he sits at the edge of the lawn, ruminates and has no intention to take care of the caws. What we should do?
- We are afraid that nothing can be done. Probably the bull thinks that he has been sent as an adviser.

A listener asked: "what is chaos?" we answer: "We do not comment on national economics."

We have been asked what to do if USA hits us with nuclear missiles. We answer: "Everybody must put on white shrouds and creep towards the nearest cemetery, very slowly." We were then asked "Why very slowly?" We answer: "To avoid panic."

We were asked: how do you know a death certificate has been made out by a Soviet doctor? We answer: "The signature is under 'cause of death'".

"Why did the Soviets invade Czechoslovakia?" We answer:"To find the person who invited them." "When will they leave?" "Once they find him."

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk in Poland to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous. "What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks. "Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw." "But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?" "Well, there'd be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland." "And if the National Bank of Poland fails?" "Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow." "And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?" "Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union." "And if that bank fails?" "It is insured by the government of Soviet Union." "And if it fails?" "Well, in that case, you'd lose all your money. But, wouldn't it be worth it?"

Radio Yerevans last minute news: The winners of -74 socialist cuckoo-clock competition (OK, we are a bit out of date - even as the head of broadcasting has been doing time). The purpose of the competition was to find new, anti-burgeois cuckoo-clock-models for the masses:
3.price: Cuckoo comes out of the clock every hour saying "Lenin"
2.price: Cuckoo comes out, says "All the proletariat of the world,unite!"
1. price: a small Lenin comes out of the clock and says "cuckoo,cuckoo..."

TASS:Yesterday on the Soviet-Chinese border Chinese soldiers disguised as peasants opened fire on a peaceful soviet tractor. Our tractor returned fire then flew away...

Is it true that in the USA everybody has a car ?
In principle yes, but here everybody has a parking place.

Question: "comrade editor. Is it correct that the Americans have dwarves?"
Answer: "Yes, but the Soviet are larger."

Question: "would it be possible that one would have shot in Nikita Khruschev instead of JFK?"
Answer: "Yes, but it is questionable whether Onassis would have taken the widow..."

Question: Why Radio Yerevan often answers a question with another question ?
Answer: Why not ?

Question: What is the difference between a pessimist and an optimist ?
Answer: A pessimist thinks things will get worse. An optimist thinks things can't get
worse.

-Hallo, Radio Yerevan?
-Yes.
- I was listening yesterday to a very interesting political discussion on your station but today I can barely hear you. What is wrong?
- Since today we are airing from Siberia.

Is it possible to get AIDS by a mosquito bite?
- Yes, but there are many other more pleasant ways…

What is a rubber band?
- Тhread with strain nerves!

What are the symptoms for venereal diseases?
- Well, judging by Venera Miloska, first you will lose your hands!

Why roosters do not have hands?
- Because hens do not have breasts!

Radio Paris is calling radio Yerevan:
-What would happen if prostitutes have had beaming eyes?
- Parisians would be able to enjoy arctic nights!
After a while radio St. Petersburg interferes:
- Stop it with these insinuations, please…

How would you call a man who does not use condoms?
- Father!

What is the best way to iron – press lace underwear?
- Over your mother’s-in-law a**!

Why Armenians do not fly to the Moon?
- Because if they do, Georgians would die from envy, Armenians from pride, and the whole Caucasus would left for the Azeris.

Who are the most intelligent people on Earth?
- Thank you for the compliment!

Alla Pugachova calls incognito radio Yerevan’s office:
- Could you tell me please what is the meaning of the word “jubilee”?
-This is when you are surrounded with many flowers and you are still alive!

BBC asks radio Yerevan:
- What is the average salary that your engineers receive monthly?
- …. the weather in England sucks.

How would you explain the increasing number of women MPs’?
- With the coming of the World Soccer Championship.

Do you believe that communism can take over in Luxembourg?
- No way. Its impossible to make such a big chaos in such a small country.

What humans and computers have in common?
- Just like the computers when you are young you have lots of hardware and little software. When you get older you have lots of software but your hardware is not enough.

What 17 Century Knights and virgins have in common?
- They both disappeared in 17 Century!

What is the difference between the Dollar and the Ruble?
- The dollar is covered by gold (use to), while tanks cover the ruble.

First question:
What would be best for the people – to raise the cost of living and then the salaries or vice-versa?
- We don’t want to comment on political issues.
Second question:
What kind of night- gown the bride should wear during the first matrimonial night – sateen or cotton?
- It doesn’t matter actually, in both cases she would be f***** up. That goes for the first question too.