Normally, Mortimer would hire someone to break into the Last Kale National Bank and steal the golden potato, but lately he has come to enjoy the riskier parts of life, so here he is, wearing an outfit of well-fitted black leather, letting the late Joe Becker slump to floor.

To his disappointment, the authorities have reacted to his television announcement in the exact way he predicted: they switched the golden potato with a decoy and moved it to a “secure” bank vault. Anyone who thought on the level of our villain would have removed the microscopic tracking device he had placed on the golden potato before making the announcement. Some might call that cheating, but Mortimer would call it superior strategy.

Mortimer drags the corpse of the unfortunate Mr. Becker to the nearest men’s bathroom, strips him to his underwear, and dons the dead man’s uniform. Someone would see him do this if everyone else on the first floor of the bank were not dead, and if he hadn’t put the security footage of the room in a loop. If the men watching the monitors looked closely enough, they would see Joe Becker picking his nose in the exact same way every five minutes.

This is part 29 of Vile, a novel in progress. Would you like to read from the beginning?