It’s a chilly November evening. You’re alone, in Perkins, where no one can scream without starting an Asian race war. You’re hiding from feminists, powerpoints, your girlfriend, your Shooters girlfriend, a sober Saturday morning, calories, and the Greek Conduct Board. What do you do? Where do you go? SGD has saved you, well sort of.

The men of SGD know what true fear is. Fear is that some sororstitute might overthrow our sweetest bros in the race for Young Trustee. Fear is that Duke women are trying to undermine the values instilled in us by Soulja Boy. Fear is that the fuzz will discover our child porn collections. Fear is realizing that one day SGD chapter meetings could be run with over 30% slampiece attendance. (more…)

ALLEN BUILDING — Concerned with the upsurge in controversies that have spread across campus in recent weeks, administrators met Thursday night to discuss the feasibility of an organized structure for propagating controversial events.

“The sex list, the slut emails, the canceling of Tailgate, and child pornography all in the same month? That’s unbelievable,” said Vice President for Student Affairs Barry Loneta. “The system is broken. Duke is on an unsustainable course. If we expend all of these controversies at the same time, how will Duke get in the national limelight in the future?” (more…)

Bryan Center—After the hailstorm of criticism Student Government of Duke received for its handling of the Young Trustee election process, SGD President Ashley Noir announced today that SGD will cease all current efforts and devote resources to improving the romantic lives of students instead.

“We’re honestly not that good at advocacy or addressing student concerns,” Noir said, “The most we can do is send administrators a strongly worded e-mail with sad emoticons. So when [SGD Vice President Gerald Merrisun] proposed that we get into the love business, I was completely on board.” (more…)

Schicano Auditorium—Duke Student Government will hold an emergency meeting to vote on whether or not it will pass a resolution that would give the president the authority to send a “strongly worded” e-mail to University administrators expressing disappointment over the new “directed choice” dining plan, DSG Executive Vice President Gerald Marrysen said. The resolution is expected to pass unanimously, and the e-mail will be written within 24 hours of the resolution’s passing, senators say. According to DSG President Ashley Noir, the e-mail may include as many as 10 exclamation points and the tone will be “harsh and even critical.” An amendment to the resolution proposed by sophomore Lelsie Mandel would stipulate that the e-mail must include no less than three “sad face” emoticons to symbolically express students’ unhappiness with the new dining plan. Administrators have have already made plans to address DSG’s lobbying efforts by deleting the e-mail from their in-boxes and pretending they never got it.

Rivendell, Middle Earth—Following the failure of the Duke Student Government senate to reach a consensus on a Young Trustee selection process, the decision has been delegated to the Council of Elrond. Renowned for its swift decision-making that led to the destruction of the One Ring of Sauron during the Battle for Middle Earth, the Council of Elrond will endeavor to forge a compromise by-law proposal that both engages the student body and minimizes bias in the Young Trustee process.

“Now is the time to lay aside our battle-axes and swiftbows and really find the best policy option,” said Gimli, son of Glóin, and a descendant of Durin the Deathless. Gimli continued, “Under the tutelage of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, we expect to reach a fair compromise where DSG cannot.” (more…)

Bryan Center—After Duke Student Government President Ashley Naan vetoed the senate’s proposal for popular elections of the Young Trustee, Vice President George Marriden proposed that all members of the student government run in concentric circles until the future Young Trustee appeared from thin air.

The proposal was passed unanimously and the Young Trustee Nominating Committee began the difficult task of coordinating the running, ultimately suggesting an amendment to make the circles run counterclockwise. (more…)

CIEMAS—On the sixth day of the debate over the Young Trustee selection process, the Duke Student Government Senate said, “Let there be voting to determine the final selection of the Young Trustee.” And the senate saw that it was good. And the senate banned campaigning for the position, and made the nominating committee of six members of the senate and six at large members and six heads of students organizations. And the senate saw that it was good. And the senate blessed the nominating committee and said unto it, “Be fruitful and multiply.”