The Hard Parts

I’ve been sitting here for a while, staring at the screen, not sure what to say. Yesterday was Mother’s Day, and it was great and complicated and sad.

I woke up in bed to Annabel looking up at the ceiling quietly. I stared at her for a while, then alternated my gaze between her and the pictures of Madeline on the dresser next to the bed. I pulled Annabel into me and braced for the day.

My mom, cousin, and I had a great morning, treating ourselves to pampering hair appointments and new makeup. We brought Annabel along, and I hoped that no one would ask me if she was my only child. I didn’t want to go into it, not on Mother’s Day. Luckily, no one asked.

We met the rest of our family for a nice lunch, and everyone cooed over Annie. I tried hard to focus on the lunch, on my family that was there, and not get lost in who wasn’t.

After lunch, my mom, cousin, Annie, and I took a picture together.

I realized later I don’t have a picture of my mom, cousin, and me with Madeline.

I spent the rest of the day with Annie, enjoying her, making her laugh.

And now, she sleeps, Mike sleeps, and my house is quiet. Now I am finally letting myself feel the missing piece, my missing girl. I am physically in pain. I feel like my stomach just was punched, like something is lodged in my throat. I can’t breathe and I feel sick. My Maddie would be two and a half years old. Mike would have walked her through signing a card. She would have “helped” him make me breakfast in bed. But most of all, she would be a completely different little person than the one I remember. And that’s what hurts the most.

Erica says:

Please know that I am thinking of you, dear sweet Heather, I’m holding your hand as you cry and crying right here with you. I’m so, so sorry you are feeling such pain, I wish we could carry some of your pain for you. The photo of you and your precious Maddie on Mother’s Day is just beautiful, thank-you for sharing it with us. This year’s Mother’s Day photos are just beautiful too. You are such an amazing Mum, you have learnt from the best, from your own amazing Mum. Sending you a big hug from afar.
Love Erica

I’m so, so sorry that your mothers day wasn’t what it was meant to be. It is so very wrong that you have to live every “happy occasion” knowing that so much is missing. Maddie should be here, and you should know exactly who she is at two and a half.

I’m so glad that Annie gave you the happy in your mothers day. You deserve every moment of joy a thousand times over

Mary Ann says:

I am wordless too for now…. What can we say? Yes, you miss Madeline and you will miss her for the longest time. But there is also that little bundle of joy, and new opportunities and new possibilities. I do hope that at a certain point in your life, it will be possible to be thankful for the things you do with Annabel, and that it won’t hurt so much to think about the fact that you could not do those things with Madeline. I am sure you did all you could do with Maddie, in the short time frame you had with her. It’s part of the loss, one misses not only the person, but also the loss of things that did not happen…
I hope that you can find it in you some day, somewhere, to fully enjoy Annabel, and at the same time find peace if that is ever possible – or acceptance for the little girl that is no longer here.
I’m convinced that acceptance of Madeline no longer in this life, your life, will be a long healing process. We all have to learn how to live with loss, and the loss of a child is a heavy burden.
I keep my fingers crossed that Annabel can give you your joy in life back, you deserve it after all that happened before Annabel was here… It’s a great photograph of you, your mom and cousin and Annabel… Annabel is an adorable baby!
.-= Catherine Lucas´s last blog ..Lost in the forest… =-.

Alexandra :) says:

mary c says:

For the short essay above on “How to fully love your new bundle!” I believe, Heather, that you do fully love your little Annabel and not for one second do you take one thing for granted. Mothers day must be one of the hardest. Happy late Mother’s day to one of the best mother’s.

Sue says:

AND, now, I cry with you, Heather. The pictures, taken yesterday, are beautiful, and the one of Maddie & Mommy is priceless. Even tho we never met precious Maddie, in person, we all miss her, and love her, so very, very, much……………….

I am sure you felt some kind of love from Maddie at some point or another yesterday. She was with you everywhere you went. Celebrating with you to remind you what a fantastic mama you were to her. She reminds you each and everyday by giving you Annie… Don’t ever forget that Heather!!!! Happy, Happy Mother’s Day!
.-= Shannon Kieta´s last blog ..It’s time to clean out the crap! =-.

Lisa from WV says:

I thought of you yesterday and said a special prayer for you. I imagined for a moment just what Mother’s Day would feel like for you. I hurt for you. I’m glad Annabel was there to ease your pain. You are a beautiful mother inside and out.

I can’t begin to imagine what Mother’s Day could be with only one of my girls. I can only hope that you had the best day you could, and that sweet Maddie was looking down from above. Extra kisses and hugs to Annie are in order…
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Trying to be Nice, Bites Me in the Ass… =-.

Those are some really great pictures! Sounds like you had a nice day!
Sorry you are missing Maddie so much….I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. Sending lots of ((hugs)) your way.
.-= Java´s last blog ..Wedding Dilemma =-.

I thought about you yesterday and shed a tear for you and for what was missing from your day. I’m glad you were able to enjoy part of your day, spending it with you mom and Annie. You deserve it. You are an amazing mom.

Nikki says:

Saturday, my mother and I drove to Mississippi to visit my grandmother’s grave for the first time. Sunday, we bought a big, beautiful bouquet of purple flowers and placed them at the site. I took one of the flowers and said a special wish for you and Maddie and your family, that somehow that flower could connect us all together and bring peace to us all. I wish it helped.

Praying for your family and wishing I knew how to send you virtual comfort.

XOXO from GA,
Nikki

PS: on a completely superficial side note, your hair is FAB-U-LOUS in these pictures.

Jennifer says:

What a bittersweet day for you & your family. Your Mom holding Annie’s foot in the photo really touched my heart. I truly hope you felt your Madeline with you yesterday. Sending hugs and support from NY.
.-= Momma Lioness Michele´s last blog ..First Time Out =-.

suzanne says:

I thought of you yesterday, too. I’m so sorry these days are so hard. I’m glad you have Annie to bring you smiles, though! Beautiful pictures of beautiful ladies. Hugs from me to you.
.-= Jen L.´s last blog ..GIVEAWAY from CSN stores =-.

Kristin says:

Heather, I wish I had the power to help heal your heart and make your pain a little more bearable. There are no words that could ever do that, but I know hearing Madeline’s name and how she has touched the lives of others helps. I think about Maddie each and every day and tell everyone I know about her and your family. Many, many people have been touched and inspired by her spirit and strength.

I thought about you often yesterday on Mother’s Day. Your photos from the day are beautiful. I love how Annie’s Grandma is holding on to her tiny little foot – so precious, and very symbolic of how beautiful Annie is helping you get through each day.

Christine says:

Heather,
I don’t know what to say. You were in my thoughts yesterday as I did a Mother’s Day Run/Walk. It supported the NICU and NICU babies so I also thought of little Maddie ofton. I can only hope that next year will be a little bit less painful for you.

You and Maddie, deserve a cry. I can’t imagine how it feels to celebrate the day without her, but I am glad you were able to enjoy yesterday in the moment as it came and had friends and family around you. The pictures are beautiful! You only deserve the best.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Recap of One Hot Week (aka Bikram Yoga Week) =-.

Veronika says:

The photo with your mom and cousin is gorgeous. You look beautiful and happy holding your girl. I’m so sorry that it was another occasion that reminded you of your terrible loss. If all children were loved as much as Maddie, this world would be a much better place. After reading your post, it sunk it that there are so many days in the years to come that will only remind you of who is not there. And that breaks my heart. It is not right that Maddie is not there with you. How can we live in a world where Annie is growing up without her big sister? It just doesn’t make sense. I’m shedding so many tears for you in reading this.

To Heather’s mom. Wow, you are one gorgeous lady. Before reading the post, I saw the pic and thought it was Heather and some friends. I would NEVER have guessed that you were Annie and Maddie’s grandma. It’s easy to see where Heather got her gorgeous looks from. {{hugs}} to you to.

It’s so unfair that you don’t have both your girls to hold . . I thought of Maddie and you yesterday. You and Mike are such good parents to both your girls, even if one you carry in your heart and the other one is in your arms. Sending much love.

I am so sorry you had to spend Mother’s Day without one of your girls, but glad you had Annie to make you smile! I thought about you and your family yesterday, and everyday. Sending a hug your way!
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..Future Nascar Racer? =-.

I was thinking of you yesterday too. I am so happy you had a love filled Mother’s day with your beautiful mother, cousin, and beautiful new child. I can’t imagine what you go through every day missing your little firstborn. I”m so happy your mom is with you, and you are surrounded by people you love. You seem like an AMAZING mom and a freaking pillar of strength. Your little girls, both of them, were and are lucky to have you.
.-= Sirena´s last blog ..Black Honey Chicken and Coconut Rice =-.

It is always so hard to have that missing piece of your life. Sometimes it is much more obvious than others, Mother’s Day is one of those days. These little people who made us a Mother for the first time and aren’t here…it just hurts.

I so know what you mean about her being a different person than the one you remember. Emma would be 7 1/2, finishing 1st grade, probably losing teeth and having a crush on a boy….all things I don’t get to experience.

It never gets easier, just different.

I love you sweet friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Mother’s Day Recap =-.

Jack's Mom says:

I’m so sorry you were in such pain, and rightfully so. The grief you carry is immeasurable. I am glad, though, that you had a little happiness with your family and Annabel. You’re forever in my thoughts and prayers.

Krissa says:

Sarah says:

Gosh my heart just aches for you. I don’t know if it will ever get easier, really, I don’t. But I’m so thankful that you have Annie to hold, to love. I cannot imagine what it would be like for you, with a total void in your heart and arms. I’m so glad you have the gift of your baby girl Annie. Maddie cannot be in your arms, however she will always be in your heart your mind until you see her again one day in Heaven. She is and will always be your first baby girl. Happy Mother’s Day Heather.

Marti from Michigan says:

I’m going to share a small story that I found on the internet after my mom died in 2007. My mom and I had not always gotten along, but in her later years in life, we became very close and that is a gift I will always treasure.

I hope this small story/poem helps you Heather/Mike in some small way:

“Love Never Dies”
The “gift” of Grief

“Death takes away. That’s all there is to it. But grief gives back. By experiencing it, we are not simply eroded by pain, rather, we become more compassionate, more aware, more able to help others, more able to help ourselves.

Grief is powerful. It plunges us into the depths of sorrow and forces us to face the finiteness of life, the mightiness of death, and the meaning of our existence here on this earth.

It does more than enable us to change; it demands it. The way we change is up to us. It is possible to be forever bowed by grief. It is possible to be so afraid of one aspect of it that we become frozen in place, stuck in sorrow, riveted in resentment or remorse, unable to move on.

But, it is also possible to be enlarged, to find new direction, and to allow the memory of the beloved person who has died, to live on within us….not as a monument to misery, but as a source of strength, love and inspiration.

By acting on our grief we can eventually find within ourselves a place of peace and purposefulness. It is my belief that all grievers, no matter how intense their pain, no matter how rough the terrain across which they must travel, can eventually find that place within their hearts.”

Glenda says:

I am so sorry. You are such an amazing writer. You write about your grief so beautifully. It is such an amazing talent and one that i am sure that you never wished to perfect, but you have. The loves of both of your daughters have touched so many people.
.-= Tamaya´s last blog ..Dating Violence =-.

Tammy says:

Heather,
I appreciate every day with both my kids more because of your posts. I’m so sorry for the loss of that beautiful girl. I’m so happy you have Annie. I know one can’t replace the other – you should have both of your beautiful babies.
Tammy

Procrastamom says:

You and your Mom have the same beautiful cheekbones, Heather. Anyone can see where Maddie got her gorgeous smile from and that Annabel’s will be the same. Sending you love at this bittersweet time. xxxxx

Tricia says:

Big, big hugs and lots of love to you. I thought of you yesterday and sent some extra love your way. I’m glad you had little miss annie to hug and kiss. Both of your girls are just gorgeous, like their mama. xoxoxo

Carrie says:

Katie says:

Was thinking of you too – thinking of the fact that you define what a great mother is. And as many of your readers have said here before, you help us become better mothers… That means SO MUCH to us all, and to you too I’m sure, but I know it won’t fix anything. But I’m here to say thank you and send you a big virtual hug. We are all here for you so cry as much as you want.

Ashley says:

I am never good at comforting others in times of grief. I suppose because I am mostly not “good” with my own grief over those I have lost, whatever that might mean. But, I am with you, thinking of you, and am sad right alongside you.

Beautiful pictures Heather..you look so pretty. Maddie was with you today im sure…i was thinking about you today hope you and Annie had a day to remember. please know i wish i could hug you while you cried. I am sorry…

Tami says:

MM says:

Very pretty pictures. I’m sorry they don’t tell the whole story. Like the Mom who lost her little girl–I clicked through to her blog. Looking at her mother’s day pictures with her kids, happy faces all, you would never know. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t drawn to hear the rest of the story, that I could stop reading these posts, because they’re painful…I know others must feel the same way…but we keep coming back. I think because we realize we’re seeing something miraculous. Something life-transforming. To triumph, after the worst sort of disaster…we’re pulling for you Heather because that’s something you don’t see every day. That’s something worthy of thousands of comments, of poems, of an ode even, a novel or memoir or two. We may walk with you but we can never walk in your shoes. But if you keep going, then there’s hope that if something like this ever happened to us, we could keep going too. Now that’s a true gift–from one mother to another.

I thought about you yesterday Heather. I thought of Maddie when my son and husband purchased 4 new large plants that tolerate the Texas heat and planted them in my rose garden that has “Maddie’s rose bush” The flowers they chose are PURPLE, each and every plant blooms purple flowers. they thought that since I worried over, and pay special attention to my purple rose bush, these would be perfect! I had tears, my rose bush is FULL of blooms, soon to bloom and now it has company of new plants with blooms of dark purple flowers…..I had to wipe a tear and look towards the sky….I “felt” a smile………
.-= coloradolady´s last blog ..A Vintage Theme Shower : Foyer Decor & Details =-.

amanda says:

Mothers day was one of the worst days for me for the longest time. After almost 10 years of trying, I had 2 miscarries before I successfully had my daughter 3 years ago. I remember just trying to stay in the house and not leave that Sunday in fear that someone would wish me a “Happy Mother’s Day”. I know they didn’t know how hard the day was already for me, but having someone congratulate me when I couldn’t hold my child was excruciating. I make a conscious effort to not wish anyone this even now unless they say it to me first. I’m glad you were able to enjoy the day with Annie, and that you were able to give yourself the time to grieve as well. Wishing you happier thoughts and sunnier days..

Clemmiesmom says:

The one good thing about my mom being dead is that she is finally reunited with my brother, who died before I was born. Barring that scenario, she no longer misses him if it turns out that death is the end.
Mom talked about David and wept over him until the day she died. It was especially bad on his birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Easter, the day he died, the day he was diagnosed with cancer, and the day he went into the hospital for the last time. Those were really bad days. Other days were just regular bad days, when anything could send her into tears. She was especially troubled by a television commercial for breakfast cereal that featured a little boy with curly red hair who resembled my brother. Every time that damn commercial came on she’d run out of the room or just sit there and quietly sob.
I felt sorry for her but it wasn’t easy growing up in a house where the emotional weather was gloomy on a fairly regular basis. I hope Annabelle has a happier childhood.

I feel like I need to respond to you after several comments you’ve left in this vein. I am so, so sorry that you grew up like that. It makes me hurt for you. But my child will not. She will never see me sad, she will never see me cry. She will never feel less than her sister in any way. So really, don’t worry about her. I’m sure I’ll mess her up in other ways, but her older sister won’t have anything to do with it.

Lori says:

It’s clear you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the impact Maddie’s passing will have on her sister. That’s so admirable. My mother had a daughter that passed away before I was born. My Mom was always very matter of fact when she spoke about my older sister – just the facts. The only time I ever remember seeing my Mom upset about it was one time when we were looking at old pictures. In one shot she was pregnant. I made a typical teenage comment about how fat she was when she was pregnant with me and she had to correct me b/c she was actually pregnant with my sister. It’s only now that I’ve had my own children, that I realize my mother’s strength through her tragedy. You and her obviously share this quality. Annabel is one lucky girl.

Lori says:

angela says:

Thought about you guys throughout the day yesterday. I was depressed about not having a mom on mother’s day and then I thought about the two of you; one baby here and one in heaven. I then realized that in comparison to your pain, mine was minimal.

I went to your site to see how you were fairing and watched Maddie’s videos. My husband laid beside me and asked who the adorable little girl was.

I shared Maddie’s tale as best as I could and told him even though I had never met your family, I felt like I knew you guys.

To end things on a lighter note, we watched some Annabelle videos and giggled at her “interviews”.

I thank you for writing. I wish you never knew the pain of losing a child. I wish Annabelle could grow up with her sister but I’d like to believe that Annabelle was handpicked for you by her sister.

Susan says:

Oh Heather, I too thought of you on Mother’s Day. I love seeing your pictures of Annie and the hilarious little interviews by her daddy. But I also can’t imagine how this day without Maddie must affect you.
I am so so sorry.
I am glad Annie is there to hold and kiss and smile and laugh with you.
You are in my thoughts and I wish you peace.

I am so sorry that Maddie was not here with you…but you still have Annie and she is so beautiful and precious and loves you so much. Happy Mother’s Day.
.-= Lindsay @ Just My Blog´s last blog ..Mission Monkey Minute =-.

Oh Heather, I am so sorry the day was hard for you. It just isn’t right. My 16 month old was diagnosed with cancer last week and although it isn’t anything compared to your loss I felt an ounce of your pain yesterday. Watching my baby girl and trying to grasp our reality.

stepho says:

Oh, Heather, your family is so beautiful. From the pictures I’ve seen, it seems that the girls and women in your family have such a glow!

I was very touched by your post…it really struck a cord with me. My dad passed away a little over 7 years ago. I was a daddy’s girl. He was one of my best friends. Hardly an hour passes in the day that I don’t think of him, or that I’m reminded of him in some way. Sometimes I almost pick up the phone to call him, or try a new restaurant or read a book and think, “Dad would love this.” Then I remember he’s gone, and I get that sick feeling. That lump in my throat…I don’t think it ever goes away.

I just remind myself how lucky I am to have known him, even if only for 18 years. I am so envious of people who still have both their parents who get to watch them grow up, get married, have kids…I will always long for those things. I know you will long for even more with Maddie. But she was so precious and so was your time with her. I hope in even the darkest moments you can think of her and remember that love. That’s what gets me through each day, even the ones that seem impossible.

Suzie says:

I think of you daily…often times several times in a day! You are absolutely radiant in the pictures and the amount of love that you have your 2 girls is so apparent! You are one of the best moms I know (well, you know what I mean, not irl Sending you much love and peace!! Annabel is too stinkin’ cute!!

Michelle W says:

Andrea says:

Thank you for your post. I held my infant son, and cherished my first mother’s day. Only for a few minutes did I let myself go and cry for his twin that passed away shortly before birth. My heart aches every day for him, and because of your blog I know that I am not alone in this grief. Thank you.

I so hate that your mother’s day couldn’t have been perfect, you know what I think losing the people we love the most, its just wrong, it sucks, and I hate it, I wish things could be perfect and we could always have the people we love, we would never have to worry about death, we would never have to suffer the pain day in and day out of not having them anymore. I have grown to care about you and your lovely family through your amazingly strong, beautiful, painful, blog on your life. Thank you for letting me get to know your family!!! My mom’s cancer is back, she beat that evil breast cancer, and now its back, and spread to her bones, and lungs, all we can do is pray for a miracle now. I do believe in miracles, I really do. I don’t know what my future holds, what might come that will be really bad, or what will come that will be happy times, its scares the shit out of me, to imagine my future without her, she has been my everything, my strength when I didn’t have any of my own. She caused me to want to live when I had lost all hope, I cannot face my future without her, the times when my children are sick and I don’t know what is wrong with them, its my mom that does know whats wrong and tells me exactly what to do!!!! I can’t do this without my mommy!!!