Are you dating a Cinderfella?

Are you dating a Cinderfella?

Ladies, just when you thought you had modern dating figured out, there’s now a new red flag to watch out for: the Insta-Boyfriend or as Michelle Martin of the Huffington Post calls him, the “Cinderfella.”

This is a man who is looking for love to “rescue” him from his current life situation. Through years of dating, many of us have become adept at filtering out men who aren’t willing to commit. As Martin describes in her article, a Cinderfella is a “middle-aged single man with an insatiable hunger for intense emotional and physical intimacy. Cinderfellas want passion! They want fireworks! They want to feel alive!”

Iona Monk, a registered clinical counsellor and the owner of Vancouver Couples Counselling says she is no stranger to the Cinderfella in her work. “Most of the time, it is middle-aged men whose emotional needs have lay dormant or have been repressed for years. They have been silent about their emotional and/or attachment needs and when they finally emerge, either through an affair or some sort of life changing event (accident, loss of job, death of loved one) they realize the fragility of life and they want what they want when they want it!”

When I first started dating again after my last long term relationship, the first guy I met online fit Martin’s description of “Cinderfella”: He was recently divorced and wanted a serious commitment by the second date. His online profile said that he was looking for “a running buddy, hiking partner, friends to hang out with, a girlfriend and a soul-mate” – and I got the impression that he was hoping I’d fulfill all of the above. I’ve met several guys like him, however unlike in Martin’s experience, they weren’t middle-aged. Instead, they were in the late-twenties to early 30s. This makes me wonder if in fact, the “Cinderfella” phenomenon is far more wide reaching than what Martin describes.

When I spoke to Dr. Karin Anderson Abrell, PhD, author of the book “Single Is The New Black: Don’t Wear White ‘Til It’s Right”, she confirmed my suspicions. As she explains, Cinderfellas can be found at any age. “It’s probably just more obvious to us in middle age because most of us have grown out of any needy/clingy behaviour and have learned to manage our emotions in a more mature manner by our early 40s. We may want fireworks and passion, but we don’t insist on being swept off our feet within 2-3 dates,” says Dr. Karin.

However, by labelling men as Cinderfellas are we unfairly targeting them? “I think all genders and ages can exhibit this neediness,” says Monk. “Oftentimes, midlife can bring it on simply because of the changes and realities that are prevalent and typically occur in mid life (ie the fragility of life, relationships, health and status quo).”

So, how do you know whether you’re dating a Cinderfella? Dr. Karin says that the desire to rush into a relationship should be seen as a huge red flag of neediness. “If a relationship is "meant to be" and it has the potential to go the distance, there’s absolutely NO benefit to rushing things,” she says. As Monk adds, “I absolutely believe that healthy love and having a deep emotional/ sexual connection to our partner really does make us happier and healthier, but this takes time to grow and must deepen organically in order to be sustainable. It cannot be rushed or pushed.”