i am a 33 year old female with a family history of breast cancer. i do not have cancer but i have opted to have a prophylactic breast mastectomy (pbm) to manage my personal risk. this blog is to document my journey and to get my thoughts and feelings out. it is a way for me to cope and to hopefully help others along in this same journey or to empower others who struggle for understanding.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

my situation is so bad at the moment. i'm not one for whining and crying, but a hard look at my reality even has me shocked. i don't even know what is worse at this point.

i am sure some of this is tmi and some people i know (people i have cut out from my life for their unsupportiveness...if you are reading this you can leave now) (oh and the people that say i am to blame for all my troubles...you can leave now too and go eff yourself) would roll their eyes at me.

but here is how it is...

i am not getting by financially. i am so broke that it is heartbreaking. i am on financial assistance and i have a job to try and make ends meet and my grandparents graciously give me a $100 each month, but with that combined i am lucky if it equals to $850.00 a month. my expenses out way this and i have been having to cut corners or prioritize my bills and it is all getting me down. last month, my jerk ass landlords issued me with an eviction notice because i was 3 days late with the rent. they also know my situation!

the thought of getting away on a holiday brings me to tears because this is not even a possibility for me but it is so what i need. i got all the paperwork for my passport just in case, and realized that i have to get a new citizenship card because mine is missing. the citizenship card can take up to a year to get.

lately, i have to deal with a whole court matter coming up in the next few weeks that has been ongoing since last september 2009. i have been subpoena'd as a witness in an assault case...except the clincher is i am the victim. yes, while i was going through all of this breast cancer shit and scheduling the removal of my pre-malignant breast tissue, my boss /landlord decided it would be cool to beat the shit out of me...while i was driving. he claimed i had an attitude problem and didn't like the tone of my voice. (i am pretty sure my mood was attributed to the loss of my lady parts, and not that that matters, because i recall the conversation we were having and i was very respectful in offering advice on a client.)

to add insult to injury, (and you can read more about the details of the assault in one of my first posts), he claimed i started it and hit him first. forensics and defense wounds show that i was pushing him off of me when he grabbed my arm (nice big bruise with his nail scratches all the way down my arm) to try and regain control of the vehicle (and in the process i accidentally nicked his chin...the only mark on him) but because it was my word against his, and the police department was a complete failure (right down to not providing me with medical care i needed after the assault, i had a head concussion and ligament damage to my shoulder, and the bridge of my nose was split open), they instead charged me and threw me in jail...even though there was a witness to the event.

i don't know which hurts worse, being betrayed by my employer/landlord of 1.5 years or by the police for treating me like a criminal when in fact i was a victim. anyone who knows the situation and has read the statements of all involved just shake their heads and balk at the idea that i was ever even remotely blamed for what happened.

as many of you know, it is my dream to go to college and major in nursing. that dream came true after much hard work by receiving an acceptance letter this past september to mohawk college in my home town. i was ecstatic with the new prospects of my future and returning 'home'...a place i had to flee after the assault.

my dreams have now been marred when my funding requested i provide a criminal record check before they considered approving me for tuition and living expenses. i figured it would be no big deal. i am not guilty of a criminal offense. however, the charges show up on the report (so much for innocent until proven guilty) and it is putting a halt to all my plans. in addition, i need this criminal check for school.

so all my joy has been shattered and i don't know what to do. i feel like i don't have a future. i try not to get carried away on this pattern of thinking but it so hard to do when so much is against me. i am trying to put on a strong face as much as possible, and i am still moving forward towards school with the hopes that the court stuff can all be resolved before that and that i will still get approved for funding but i won't lie to you that i am experiencing suicidal thoughts and intense anxiety.

all of this has led to a pretty dark depression. to be honest, i haven't left the house for 3 days or even bathed for that matter. i feel like i am stuck in limbo just waiting for the day for something to go my way.

as you can see by my finances, it's not like i can afford a lawyer to help me out. i can’t get another job to help pay for one because if i do, it will put me in a higher income bracket and i will no longer qualify for my school funding.i did seek out a lawyer this past summer when i had a bit of money and was able to give her $600 but i still owe her $400 to be able to render her services. it's so not fair because the guy that assaulted me makes a $100,000/ year and my fear is that he will be able to buy his way out of his charges with a good lawyer and make me look bad.

i do want to note though, that HE HAS done this before and been to jail and the reason i was working for him in the first place was because he had a DUI and lost his license.(another reason to add insult to injury with the police even remotely suspecting i had anything to do with the assault.)

this coming monday is a big day too. i will be traveling with my grandmother to get her results for her brca testing. she is the first one to test in our family. although the court stuff mostly dominates my thoughts, i am plagued with anxiety whenever i think of the outcome should we be positive. i will post separately on this topic when we find out our results.

anyways, this is my rant. i don't know if i was strong these past months keeping this all in while going through my reconstruction or not. maybe i appear weak and pathetic now. oh well. life can't get much worse and if you think negatively of me now it couldn't get me any more in the dumps then i already am.

and maybe this would all be more easier to deal with if i didn't have these rock hard boulders still in my chest.

to be fair, i do have some positives in my life. i do my best to focus on them to get me through. i am not all doom and gloom. please don't send me messages telling me to look on the bright side. i am already looking and leaning on God for strength and comfort. i just needed to rant. i also think antidepressants are in order when i see my family physician November 22nd. like that will solve my money problems, but hey...anything that helps.

8 comments:

Rachel, my heart goes out to you. I don't know how you've held up under so much pressure for so long. You really do have to have an inner strength to keep moving forward in spite of all the trials & tribulation. The assault case sounds horrific & God willing, the courts will rule in your favor. I pray that things will start looking up for you soon. Hang in there.

Oh, Rachel - this post makes me sad. :( Why would anyone think any less of you after reading it? You haven't done anything wrong. I wish there was something I could do to help make it better. Even if it were just to live close enough to each other for me to take you out to lunch so we could talk. I'm not going to tell you to look at the bright side, but I do fully believe that things WILL turn around for you. You are an amazing, beautiful, funny, smart, courageous woman! You're also a great friend with a big heart. Even while things appear to be falling apart around you, you are still putting yourself out there to help others - with your blog, and the book you're working on with me and JH - you are putting good things out there, even while bad things are happening to you and around you. Like energy attracts like energy, and with all the good you're doing in the world, I do believe it will come back to you. Just try to hang in there, and rant when you need to, and lean on your friends. Love you, sistah! ((((Hugs))))

oh lisa, i wish that was an option, but it is not. they just moved into a tiny 2 bedroom apartment and they each have their own room. my grandmother would balk at me having my 2 cats too. i'm just hoping to hold out till january and that the loan approval comes in so i can get a decent apartment and focus on school should it all work out.

Hey Rach,It's been a while. Life has been busy.Your post breaks my heart, and I hate to see you suffering this way. Life defiantly throws curve balls along the way...and after a while it does become hard and tiresome to stay positive..I know. But, life keeps moving along...and you have to just keep trucking along with it. I have faith everything will work out for you...maybe this was just suppose to be the year about you, and your surgery. And next year is about you post surgery, it's about your future! :) Try to keep your chin up, I know it's hard. But, you need to try to be positive...positive energy is key or else that negativity will just be hanging over your head all the time..and that's no way to live. 6 months or a 1 year from now this will all be a nightmare I know it! :) Sending happy thoughts your way!Your surgery buddy. <3

Hey Rach,You know how I feel about your legal situation and the other person involved. I would never tell you to look on the bright side, sometimes there isn't a bright side until you get through all of the crap! I DO beieve that the really hard times in life are given to us for a reason, and often we don't know the reasons until much later. You do have so much to share and you're such a smart and beautiful woman, there will be some way out of it. I don't know when, or what it will be, but try to keep at least a part of your heart open to see those opportunities when they come up. I'm not trying to be frumpy at all, I really believe that. I wish that I could be there for you, and that I wasn't struggling myself financially so that I could help you. Don't give up, you have friends keeping you in their hearts and prayers! And you're not alone in depression after surgery, getting medication from my doctor has made a big difference for me. You vent any time you need to, we'll always be here to listen and support you! I love you!

On the legal aspect, even if the police at the time were less than gracious, receiving a subpoena as a victim is not uncommon. I work in forensics & in most of my cases (except homicides) the victim is subpoena'd to share their story. Even if you have to do the pursuing, contact whichever attorney subpoena'd you. If you're listed as the defendant (you shouldn't be, but just in case) you should discuss the case with the public defender. If you're listed as the victim, the prosecutor is on your side. In either case, you should speak in depth with them about what happened and inquire as to how they're going to present your/their case. Both public defenders & prosecutors are typically overworked, so you may have to be more flexible than you'd like. You need to pressure them to give you time to speak with them. Don't back down - its their job to help you! You should also have free access to a victim's advocate or some other form of support through the court system. I really hope you pursued the victim's advocate at the time of the assault because that would go towards your defense &/or prosecution of the guilty party.

thanks for all the great advice. i am meeting with the crown a few days before court. i will contact the elisabeth fry society again to see if they can accompany me to court.

i used elisabeth fry in the beginning by as luck would have it, they would not return my calls or fail to meet me at court as arranged.

i had a social working advocating for me just before and while i was off surgery. i felt i was running her ragged and once i felt better didn't use her anymore. sounds like that was a big mistake. i will contact her and see if she can come to court and still represent me.

it's all so frustrating. i just hope things go my way. i can't wait for it to all be done.