Ford announces Eyes Free technology

Ford in the US has announced a radical new in-car technology designed to boost connectivity whilst removing the need to watch the road ahead, dubbed Eyes Free™.

‘As we see it, there are two things about driving that are a pain in the ass,’ said company tech specialist, Tex Peshialist. ‘First of all, it’s tough to stay online. Second of all, so-called ‘safety’ experts say you’ve gotta pay attention to the road ahead. Eyes Free™ solves both those problems by simply replacing the windshield with a huge screen. Now you can check your emails, surf the net and watch movies without the stress of worrying what’s in front of you.’

‘The state of the art screen is built right into the car so you’ll never miss an email,’ Mr Peshialist continued. ‘Unlike that old lady crossing the street, who you certainly won’t!’

Ford sources say the expense of fitting an enormous screen between the A-pillars has precluded spending any more money on radar guidance or autonomous steering and the driver of a car fitted with Eyes Free™ will instead know if they are veering off course by the medium of ‘good old fashioned crunching sounds. And screaming’.

‘This is the next step in affordable, versatile and insanely dangerous in-car connectivity,’ Mr Peshialist boasted. ‘And it will be in Ford showrooms just as soon as someone can get a prototype out of our parking lot without a collision… oh Jesus no! Brake! BRAKE! AHHHHHHHH…’