Valentine’s Day

Best. Episode. Yet! And no, I’m not just saying that because a sexy Van Fan professed her attraction for Candy Man, Jesse Jones in the second half of the episode, but that sure as hell doesn’t hurt its quality!

In tonight’s episode of “The Van Full of Candy Show” we discussed our respective Valentines Dayses. Jesse’s was filled with drunken debauchery, Jason’s was filled with Walmarts. Who won? You decide. Jesse drank his “Conversation Juice” straight from his newly invented empty “Kleenex Box Booze Koozie”, uploading it via technology to twitter, LIVE during the show to the entertainment of no one… Jason brought up a story of a hoarding woman buried under her own crap and went on about how he watches Hoarders to shame himself into cleaning his apartment and the existence of a confusingly named 1800Hoarders.com while Jesse invented a new hoarder clean up business “Clutter Busters” without knowing that it already existed…

After a quick word from our sponsors we returned with a semi-announcement of our intentions of hitting the road in the Van Full of Candy 20(grumblemumble) US Tour! Live shows, roaming the country, coming to your town, we’re gonna party down, we’re an American Van! We offered the Tesla Motor Company and the BAND Tesla the chance to jump in on the sponsorship ground level! Then segued beautifully into a story about a pussy who suffered an ironic heart attack at Man vs. Food cliché, “The Heart Attack Grill”, who we would also love as a sponsor of our United States tour.

THEN the show really got started when looking up from that nonsense story, we discovered a caller waiting for us. An unnamed woman with wonderful taste in men who professed her “attraction” for the Van’s resident stud muffin Jesse Jones. An attraction that astonishingly began with our first video, “Disgusting Beard”. While nervously dancing around responses to the wonderful lady’s questions, Jesse managed to plug Chinatown Newspaper and their desire to stop in the Bay Area, where the caller resides, on their non-existent US Tour. He then danced around his availability and his confusing relationship status. Unfortunately in his flustered, mildly drunken state he didn’t even manage to get the lady’s name though she did promise to call back next week, which Jesse hopes very much will be the case.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated around the world, though with sometimes subtle differences from region to region. In Germany, lovers exchange small, red velvet boxes filled with a their own feces, in Australia couples take turns drunkenly punching each other in the throat until a perfectly heart-shaped bruise appears and in Africa, where female circumcision is often practiced, the holiday is oddly not celebrated so much.

No Goldenseal?

St. Valentine was chosen to represent the holiday of love only be default since St. Guilttrippingo failed his mandatory piss test for HGH. St. Guilttrippingo was very vehement that he was innocent, but the Roman Empire Athletic Commission had very stringent rules and decided to give the title to St. Valentine who happened to be standing in line waiting to give a sample for his application for the Post Office.

Jesus vs. Jesus…

Over the years in the search for its own Santa or Easter Bunny or drunken stereotype many mascots had been tried for Valentine’s Day including “Heartsy, the Human Heart”, unfortunately living outside the body and without a constant flow of blood Heartsy’s life span didn’t make for a sustainable mascot. Other contenders over the years included “Sqwirsh, the Chocolate Stuffed Teddy Bear”, “Blingy, the Sapphire Monster” and “Gimmie-Gimmie, the gift eating Vagina”. Ultimately though, the Valentine’s organizers settled on a naked flying baby archer.

Should have worn my bright orange diaper

In 1992, the Department of Justice – Bureau of Firearms stated in a press release that the arrow toting hunter known as Cupid applied for an assault weapon license. They went on to state that the application stated that “my bow and arrow are too antiquated and I need to shoot my love from longer distances”. The Bureau decided to deny the “God of Desire” a license for such a weapon, but however did state that they would allow him to carry a crossbow instead. Two years later, Cupid was involved in a freak hunting accident where he was mistaken for a wild boar and killed by a hunter with, ironically, an arrow. His replacement is named Jeff and lives in Wisconsin.

See you in August.

Many people often mistakenly believe February 14th to have a measurably higher rate of suicides than any other day of the year. The commonly held belief is that this holiday, meant specifically to be shared with someone you love, following so closely to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve, all major holidays celebrating family, togetherness and camaraderie more often lead to the lonely and disenfranchised to finally succumb to the growing darkness in their soul, finally turning to the sweet embrace of death to release them from the pain of the waking world.

When in actuality the day with the single highest rate of suicides by a margin of 36 to 1 is, not surprisingly, August 3rd, Suicide Day, which commemorates the life and death of “St. Noosius Ligature, the Patron Saint of Oh What’s the Point”

The last little known fact that VFoC was able to uncover in our labs of tedious and exhausting research about the day when we are all forced to show our significant other that we absolutely love them, is one that might really throw the whole holiday for a loop, and one that we really struggled with even letting out of the bag, but thought that if we didn’t we would be doing all of our readers a complete injustice. What we found was nothing

Make it and they shall eat

you could find in any history book or even urbandictionary.com. It was found in a wheat field in southeast England in the early 18th century as a different variety of a crop circle. It was an actual See’s Candy Nuts & Chews crop “formation”. It was in the shape of a heart and distinct detail of the chocolates were very pronounced. In the middle of the “Nuts & Chews” crop formation was a scroll, and on the scroll read “A Diamond is Forever, but chocolate will fatten all of you humans up nicely for our return in 2012 for our 2nd-coming-feeding”. It also had the answer to See’s Candy most expensive chocolate truffle that they make, but that has been lost and the actual secret is still intact. So not to scare any of you with apocalyptic findings, just go ahead and ignore this last finding, venture out and buy some pretty roses, a sappy card, and a big fat box of chocolates and enjoy the holiday.

As I’m sure your Girlfriend has reminded you by now, Monday is Valentine’s Day, the annual celebration of all things heart-shaped and diamond encrusted. And like most ancient American greeting card manufactured celebrations, many of the origins of the holiday have been lost to the annals of history. Thankfully, we at Van Full of Candy are experts at pretending we know things and have unearthed in our vault a series of long buried, little known facts about this most manipulative of holidays. So snuggle up with the person you’re still with because it would be just too damned much trouble to move on like you both know you should have a long time ago… ENJOY!

Love is a good right cross.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated around the world, though with sometimes subtle differences from region to region. In Germany, lovers exchange small, red velvet boxes filled with a their own feces, in Australia couples take turns drunkenly punching each other in the throat until a perfectly heart-shaped bruise appears and in Africa, where female circumcision is often practiced, the holiday is oddly not celebrated so much.

No Goldenseal?

St. Valentine was chosen to represent the holiday of love only be default since St. Guilttrippingo failed his mandatory piss test for HGH. St. Guilttrippingo was very vehement that he was innocent, but the Roman Empire Athletic Commission had very stringent rules and decided to give the title to St. Valentine who happened to be standing in line waiting to give a sample for his application for the Post Office.

Jesus vs. Jesus...

Over the years in the search for its own Santa or Easter Bunny or drunken stereotype many mascots had been tried for Valentine’s Day including “Heartsy, the Human Heart”, unfortunately living outside the body and without a constant flow of blood Heartsy’s life span didn’t make for a sustainable mascot. Other contenders over the years included “Sqwirsh, the Chocolate Stuffed Teddy Bear”, “Blingy, the Sapphire Monster” and “Gimmie-Gimmie, the gift eating Vagina”. Ultimately though, the Valentine’s organizers settled on a naked flying baby archer.

Should have worn my bright orange diaper

In 1992, the Department of Justice – Bureau of Firearms stated in a press release that the arrow toting hunter known as Cupid applied for an assault weapon license. They went on to state that the application stated that “my bow and arrow are too antiquated and I need to shoot my love from longer distances”. The Bureau decided to deny the “God of Desire” a license for such a weapon, but however did state that they would allow him to carry a crossbow instead. Two years later, Cupid was involved in a freak hunting accident where he was mistaken for a wild boar and killed by a hunter with, ironically, an arrow. His replacement is named Jeff and lives in Wisconsin.

See you in August.

Many people often mistakenly believe February 14th to have a measurably higher rate of suicides than any other day of the year. The commonly held belief is that this holiday, meant specifically to be shared with someone you love, following so closely to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve, all major holidays celebrating family, togetherness and camaraderie more often lead to the lonely and disenfranchised to finally succumb to the growing darkness in their soul, finally turning to the sweet embrace of death to release them from the pain of the waking world.

When in actuality the day with the single highest rate of suicides by a margin of 36 to 1 is, not surprisingly, August 3rd, Suicide Day, which commemorates the life and death of “St. Noosius Ligature, the Patron Saint of Oh What’s the Point”

The last little known fact that VFoC was able to uncover in our labs of tedious and exhausting research about the day when we are all forced to show our significant other that we absolutely love them, is one that might really throw the whole holiday for a loop, and one that we really struggled with even letting out of the bag, but thought that if we didn’t we would be doing all of our readers a complete injustice. What we found was nothing

Make it and they shall eat

you could find in any history book or even urbandictionary.com. It was found in a wheat field in southeast England in the early 18th century as a different variety of a crop circle. It was an actual See’s Candy Nuts & Chews crop “formation”. It was in the shape of a heart and distinct detail of the chocolates were very pronounced. In the middle of the “Nuts & Chews” crop formation was a scroll, and on the scroll read “A Diamond is Forever, but chocolate will fatten all of you humans up nicely for our return in 2012 for our 2nd-coming-feeding”. It also had the answer to See’s Candy most expensive chocolate truffle that they make, but that has been lost and the actual secret is still intact. So not to scare any of you with apocalyptic findings, just go ahead and ignore this last finding, venture out and buy some pretty roses, a sappy card, and a big fat box of chocolates and enjoy the holiday.

It’s that time of year once again. The time when lovers frolic in the bounties of chocolate and cards and flowers and champagne and red & pink crap and … (hard swallow) … love. Did anyone else just puke in their mouth, swallow it and puke again all over the floor of loneliness? No? Just me? LIARS!

The smell of Hallmark and Red Felt Heart boxes is in the air again. Actually it’s been in the air since January 5th, the

The loving breakfast nobody will ever make for me

exact day that retailers have deemed “Valentine’s Month + 9 days”. The day when the last of the Christmas clearance crap and any New Years residue has been stripped clean of any and all retail shelving. The day when everything in the spectrum of red is shoved down our throat like certain beliefs of certain people who disturb our mornings with their certain pamphlets of certain Hell and damnation of certain non-believers who are certain to close the door in their faces as soon as possible. RED: the color of love and rage and passion and blood and wine and hearts and the devil. Is it any wonder that these things are intertwined like an extension cord that’s been unlovingly thrown and forgotten in a dank garage like my feelings? EXACTLY! Sidenote: (RED) is also the global fund to eliminate AIDS, just in case you were in the giving mood.

It’s also the time of year when a group of other people who aren’t enveloped in rapture and spending and guilt ridden for not getting our significant other any of the aforementioned cliché happy-love gifts, or making reservations at ridiculously overpriced restaurants that serve pink heart shaped salmon over a bed of rose tinted angel hair pasta drizzled with a balsamic passionate reduction and a side of enchantment and devotion. The ones who look at this time of year with disdain and a smidge of empathy

Well hello Friday night

for those poor guys standing in the sea of Valentine’s Day Cards at their local supermarket that have been picked clean like vultures on a fresh zebra carcass. The ones who don’t mind spending just another evening alone with our BFF’s Pat & Vanna and proudly yelling “BLAME IT ON THE RAIN RAIN GO AWAY” before any of the dumbass contestants could ever dream of solving the Before & After puzzle, and sobbing into our plastic champagne flute of Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider.

So go ahead and spend your hard earned after tax money, and have your fun, and touch your partners inappropriately, because on this day, it’s all ok, it’s all expected, and gosh darnit, you paid for it, so you better get the most of it. And hey, you’re all in luck because starting February 15th, it’s the beginning of “St. Patrick’s Month + 3 days”. Somebody please, please, PLEASE “Kiss Me I’m Irish!”

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