An English bloke

A bloke drinks too much and his wife says, "come home drunk again and I'll leave you." He goes out, drinks too much and pukes all over his jacket. He says to his mate, "if I come home like this my wife leaves me!" His mate says, "nah listen. Take a twenty pound note and stick it in your pocket. Go home and say to the wife you met a drunk man who puked on you and gave you the twenty for the dry cleaners." The drunk man goes home and his wife says, "swine! You're drunk and you even puked on yourself!" The man flashes the twenty and says, "no my love, I met this drunk bloke who puked on me and gave me twenty quid for the dry cleaners!" The wife looks at him and says, "then how come you have two twenties in your hand?" He says, "oh this is from the other drunk bloke I met. The one who shat my pants."

"Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebonics, as a second language.
According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned
Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.
Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?'
Shulman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sch" or" schm" at the beginning: "Mountains, schmountains. Stay away; you want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Shulman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, schmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling text book,
Switched-On Hebonics:

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

"Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!

"Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

---------St. Peter is at the pearly gates. He asks a man, "And what did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next!"
A woman walks up.
St Peter says, "And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher," she says.
"OK, right through those pearly gates. Next!"
A man walks up.
"And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
St Peter says, "Right. Round the side, up the freight elevator, and through the kitchen.

-----------An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion."Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly:

"You see, young schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

"Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

A woman goes into Sports Are Us to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway…… He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes……there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.

I've just been banned from Costco. It was just a simple misunderstanding. When the checkout girl said, "Strip down facing me," how was I to know she meant my bank card?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit."

Last edited by Nickie; 06-02-2020 at 08:54 AM.

"Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".