Christmas Contagion Sweeps Through U.S.; Ruins Christmas

Artist's rendering. In the olden days, vomiting was cured by taken the afflicted outside and snapping their neck.

(Troy, NY) A stomach virus dubbed “The Holi-Plague” by me just now has swept through the American Northeast and ruined Christmas for everybody.

The virus, which causes you to throw anything and everything up, usually strikes sometime before the sun comes up.

Upon being stricken with the virus, Kevin Marshall took to his Twitter and Facebook page and asked that Christmas be rescheduled. The response to the proposition was positive, with several others revealing that they too had been stricken with disease.

We can neither confirm nor deny that the disease is being spread by a terrorist cell participating in a War on Christmas. The group responsible for saying “happy holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” has yet to take responsibility for the virus.

Obama could not be reached for comment, most likely because he was conspiring with the anti-Christmas contingent.

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Just got off the phone with my sister Davelyn, who’s also sick. We decided to cancel Christmas Eve brunch at her place, and dinner at my other sister’s is up in the air right now.

Most importantly, through our weak half-asleep conversation, I got a glimpse into what it’s going to be like to talk to each other on the phone when we’re old people. It was terribly depressing.

My daughter (who flew all the way here from Seattle) ended up with this on Christmas Eve while we were at a family gathering. My niece started at the same party around 10 PM and her mom (my sister) was up all night. We cancelled Christmas Dinner at my sister’s house and rescheduled for yesterday (not quite the same). What a disaster! I hope you are feeling better!