How to pick up men

Especially for Everything2, from the people who brought you the conferences "How To Be Successful," How to be Smart," and "How to be Very, Very Well-Bred" comes...

HOW TO PICK UP MENThe Official Guidebook (excerpted)

Approach
Pick the one you want...then go get him. If it's dark or you're unsure of anything, don't be shy about viewing him at close range. Men understand that just because you're looking at them, it doesn't mean you're interested. It's normal procedure.

Appearance
If at all possible be a tall blonde. If not, try being a buxom redhead. In special cases, you may try to be either buxom OR a redhead but it is not sufficient to be just blonde or just tall. Ultimately you should be a six foot Asian redhead. Try very hard at this.

Hair - try to have as much hair as possible and flip it around as much as you can. This disorients the man you have chosen, renders him helpless, and as a bonus, keeps him at a safe distance.

Clothing - Clothing is overrated. Try to avoid getting caught up in trends. People will tell you that you need to wear a coat when it rains and warm things sometimes, but you really don't need to listen to that kind of propaganda. Most people are inside a lot so a halter top is always appropriate. Try to find the smallest garment possible and then wiggle around in it a lot. If you should find yourself in a long skirt or evening gown or some other unhappy garment, try to make the most of it and make sure that it's tight or that you jiggle a lot.

Shoes - Shoes, it should be noted, are not meant to be functional, but are rather mostly for decoration. Try and wear the highest heels possible. Red is the best. Try not to fall or anything, but if you are going to be sitting or even leaning against a wall most of the time, it's nothing you should worry about. If you do fall over, no biggie. These things happen.

Attitude - Your attitude should reflect a complete lack of caring. Be belligerent about it. There are two ways to go about this: you can either be the superior, pointy toed shoes-wearing, intelligent übervamp or you can be the adorable helpless fragile flower. Either way, it gives the man something to chase and they like run around and stuff like that.

Breasts - Breasts are an important part of your personality. I'm not sure how but um, they are. So, do whatever you can to make them perky and all that.

Etiquette
Try to be polite. This is only a general rule, though; if you are inconvenienced, annoyed, or too tired to be pleasant, you can be as rude as you want, especially if you are provoked. However, if you are going to be very rude, make sure to be very very attractive so it will seem cute and feisty and not unappealing.

Smoking - Try not to smoke. If you must, be as courteous as possible and hold your arm out perpendicular to your body. Be sure to dangle the cigarette from your body loosely. This makes you seem dangerous. Actually, it DOES make you dangerous and men like things like that, like shiny cars to crash in and sports like rollerblading or lawn darts. This also keeps the man at a safe distance.

Eating - Try not to eat. If you must, eat something that doesn't require chewing, like yogurt or boiled monkeybrains. Also, if you don't eat, don't pass out, either, as this is annoying, time-consuming, and the impetus behind force-feeding, which is irritating and messy at best.

Drinking - Try to drink a lot. It's fun and you'll find that as you drink more and more, you worry less and less. Men like it. It's fun for them, too. It's like a Slinky or bisexuals - fun for girl and boy.

Breasts - Arch your back. This really doesn't have anything to do with politeness but I had room to include it here.

Sex - If you want, you can have sex whenever desired. Simply make sure you really want to and aren't just bored or something. Don't let the man decide whether to have sex or not. They think sports are interesting and that Jean-Claude Van Damme movies are a good idea and therefore cannot be trusted with important decisions.

Speaking - Try to be interesting, if it's not too tiring. Don't feel the need to be intelligent, however. This reminds men of school and leads to expectations of note-taking and a later quiz. Don't worry to how he reacts to what you say; it's unimportant at best.

Approach
Find the man you would like to pick up, and walk up to him. Close proximity is absolutely neccesary.

Appearance
When picking up men, you needn't worry about looking your best. You can look like you just woke up, and proceeded to be run over by a truck. Appearance doesn't matter much.

Build
Most men are at least 150 lbs. You can figure out how many kilograms that is. A bit of strength is required to pick up men. If you don't have the required strength, you can practice how to pick up boys, or work out at a gym.

Style
There are a number of different styles you can use to pick up men, and some are much more effective than others.

Armpits - Picking up a man by the armpits is most effective when you are considerably taller than him. Otherwise, the feet might drag. This position is uncomfortable for the man, and he might squirm.

Hair - Even more painful than the armpit technique, this is not recommended. Especially difficult when the man has short hair.

Feet - This technique is most often used by bullies to shake the man and get his money. Your chances of success will be much greater if you are a cartoon character.

Cradle - The recommended method, this involves you putting one arm underneath the man's knees, and another behind his back. This same style is often used in carrying new wives over the "threshold."

Fireman's Carry (Suggested by tarnar) - This method is allows for long distance carrying, but is difficult to get an unwilling man in to. To perform the Fireman's Carry, hoist the man up on to your shoulders so that he is parallel to the ground (lying down on your shoulder). Watch out: he might squirm!

Improvisation
If you use these tips, you will have the foundation for picking up men, but it doesn't stop here. Each time you pick up a man, you can learn what works well and what doesn't. Try different things, and before long, you'll be able to pick up men like a pro.

Disclaimer: Picking up men should not be a preliminary step to throwing them.

An addendum to the guide, by men, for men. It should be noted that men picking up men in a sexual sense is in some places illegal and likewise in some places dangerous as hate crimes may result. Above all things be careful and be safe. Never let yourself be put in a position you do not want to be in (for instance, chained to the wall in a sadomasochist's apartment).

Also, note that this is true at least of America. I do not claim to know how to pick up men in other countries, though I do know that it does not work the same way everywhere. For instance, in some countries, making eye contact with a man (while not talking to him) does not imply sexual interest.

HOW TO PICK UP MEN
The unOfficial Guidebook

Approach
Approach is everything. Be aware that your approach can be taken very differently in different places. In a gay club or gay bar, for instance, it is safe to assume that the person you are approaching has at least some sexual desire for men, even if you are wrong in that assumption. Unlike for women, if you are viewing a man at close range, or even if you are viewing him at long range, as long as you make eye contact with him he will be aware that you are checking him out. Often a simple smile after eye contact will let you know whether the man is interested in you approaching him, or if you should run in fear because he is now brandishing a baseball bat. I know he looks even sexier with that baseball bat, but trust me, it's wooden and you will get splinters, and he will not be using it that way for sexual purposes.

Appearance
Appearance does not matter. Men have many different tastes, and it is impossible to satisfy all of them at once. It is impossible to give a universal "look" that will get all men in the sack with you, but here are some suggestions:

Hair - Use some sort of styling product, no matter how your hair looks. It shows that you care about your appearance, and that seems to be the most important part. Suggested looks are either short and spikey or sort of long and droopy, like a shaggy dog. But remember, all men are different and prefer different hairstyles.

Clothing - Clothing is overrated. Try to get caught up in trends if you think those trends are sexy, because the people who you find sexy will also be caught in those trends. If the setting is appropriate and you are not grossly overweight (or even slightly overweight), removing one's shirt is often a way to show that one has a sexual interest in one's agenda. Note also that wearing signature "gay clothing" can be effective in displaying one's sexuality in the approach.

Shoes - Men do not care about shoes. Get over it. The best you can hope for is boots making you look butch, but to be honest, I can't remember a single pair of shoes that any of the guys who I've picked up have worn, and I've picked up a lot of guys. Seriously. A lot. My suggestion, wear something that comes off easily.

Breasts - Avoid having breasts at all costs, unless they are manboobs, and by that I mean well-defined pectoral muscles. Muscles are a definite plus.

Personality

Charm - Be James Bond. Especially if you can pull it off, making someone think that you are as heterosexual as they come while still somehow hitting on them. It will pique the man's interest much more if he thinks that you are heterosexual and either curious or drunk or just looking to get some action. Appear to be as heterosexual as possible, it's a fun fantasy for you and for him. If you can, you should be heterosexual. Try very hard at this, but always remember your goal is to pick up a man and this can be very difficult if you truly are heterosexual.

Perkiness - Don't be perky. It's annoying, and a LOT of work. Don't be dark and brooding, either, unless you have dark hair, in which case it is okay. Instead find a healthy center, a sort of harmonic apathy.

Attitude - Have one. Any one. Attitude makes you interesting, no matter what kind of attitude it is. Just pick one and go with it. Especially if it makes you more heterosexual.

Breasts - Having breasts will almost always detract from a man's personality. However, having perky breasts could potentially be an ice breaker and pretty useful if you are trying to joke a man into bed. Note, however, that this writeup is not meant for transgendered people as I do not know what advice to give to them. Well-defined pectoral muscles are a viable substitute for personality.

Etiquette
No one cares about your etiquette if you are merely looking for a one night stand. Otherwise, try to be considerate, but not too hard. Apathy, apathy, apathy.

Eating - Eat everything you can if you are underweight, eat nothing if you are overweight. Always make the guy think that you are the opposite of what you really are to try to counter the effects of reality.

Drinking - Also useful in pulling off the "I am straight" edge. What's the difference between a straight guy and a bi guy? Two six packs.

Sex - Sex is obviously the most important part in picking up a guy. Note that even if seeking a long term relationship, sex on even the first date may be a good idea because it will grab the man's interest. However, do not base the relationship on sex, because that will never, ever work. Have sex whereever you want, whenever you want, and however much you want. Just make sure that you do not rape the man, and that he is a consenting ADULT. Just because someone is in an over 18 club does not mean that they are over 18.