Forced adoption versus forced abortion when you’re 16 and Pregnant

Editor’s note: In a series of guest entries Stephanie Sylverne is recapping MTV’s reality show 16 and Pregnant. Last night’s episode featured Lori whose parents pushed her to give the baby up for adoption. A baby is a lot of hard work, they warned. But work isn’t a dirty word and life is hard for everyone. In the end their daughter makes a heart-breaking decision, then goes sledding. That wasn’t easy. Sylverne explains it wasn’t really a choice either:

Lori is a senior at Notre Dame Academy, an all-girls Catholic high school in northern Kentucky. I can hear the jokes already.

Lori and her ex-boyfriend Cory are considering adoption. Lori’s parents, Mary Jo and Curt, are dead set against her keeping the baby. While Cory insists he is going to do just that. The entire episode turns into a tug of war between Lori’s ex and her parents and, sadly, Lori is the rope. Watching Lori get bullied into her “decision” was infuriating.

Mom: “We just need to pray and hope that you’re guided in the right direction.”

Lori: “That’s just it. What if the right direction for me and the right direction you think is completely different?”

In other words: how do you know that what you want is what God wants for me?

Lori’s family is not dysfunctional and her ex has the makings of a decent guy. The only real problem, according to Mary Jo, is Lori’s age and the fact that she isn’t married. Neither of which are permanent or lethal conditions. Her mother says, “To achieve what you want to achieve and parent as a teenager is impossible.” Impossible? I’d like her to tell that to me and many of my former-teen mom friends who went on to grad school and happy, successful adult lives.

I can’t help but feel like Mary Jo is spiteful. It seems like she’s feeling personally assaulted by the entire situation and is lashing out. The only person she seems concerned with is herself. “I am at my wit’s end,” she says. “You need to be honest with me.” Lori was honest when she told her she wants to keep the baby. It just wasn’t what Mary Jo wanted to hear.

Perhaps I feel hostile toward Mary Jo because she reminded me of nuns in the 1950′s maternity homes who took babies away from unmarried–and often unwilling–mothers. Maybe I’m tired of the stereotypes and misinformation she was spouting off. It’s unpopular to say, but generally, teenage girls who become parents end up in the socioeconomic status as their parents. Poverty causes teen pregnancy, not necessarily the other way around. That’s not to say it’s an easy road, but it is not an automatic life sentence of misery and doom either.

Lori’s parents could scarcely contain their glee when Cory reluctantly relented to the adoption. In the hospital, while Cory is holding baby Aidan, Mary Jo says, “It’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of work.” She is so afraid that he is going to renege on the adoption plans that she feels the need to squawk her unsolicited advice and ruin Cory’s moment with his son.

The day after delivery, an angry Cory tells Lori, “Your mother told me I don’t care about my son!”

“My mom’s hurt,” Lori says.

“And no one else is?” Cory yells.

Lori and Cory have a breakdown as he says goodbye to Aidan. After Cory leaves, Curt says, “Wow, what an a**hole”, presumably because Cory is angry and not being completely supportive of the adoption. How could anyone not be upset in that situation though?

The adoption ceremony was sweet and in the end Lori came to terms with the situation. But that doesn’t change the fact that Lori was coerced into giving her baby up. In the closing moments of the show, Lori says, “I do wish my parents would not have tried to push the adoption so hard.”

There are laws in many states concerning consent in abortion clinics. Women are questioned repeatedly about whether they are there against their will. Yet I have seen countless babies taken from the arms of a distraught mother by an adoption agent. This episode made countless references to “options” and “decisions”. But when a woman is backed into a corner, how is that a choice?

45 Responses

I saw that episode. I felt so sorry for Lori. Her parents adopted her — why? Could they not have one of their own? If that’s the case – why on earth would they want to deny their daughter if that was her choice? Of course they should all explore every possibility, but if Lori had chosen to keep the baby, her adoptive parents should have been behind her 100%.

It was apparent, but subtle, that had Lori decided to keep the baby she would have been expected to move out. Now that’s great parenting. Poor girl probably felt like she was unwanted too.

Lori really didn’t have the available choices she should have. Personally, I think she did the right thing for her baby – if she kept him she’d be homeless and have no family support.

A year ago, I’d have agreed with you. But after seeing two seasons of this show, I think Lori’s parents should be sainted for pushing the issue so hard. It’s clear that none of these kids are mature enough to handle being parents. So far, Catelynn and Lori are the only ones who have made truly selfless parenting decisions. The others are so immature and inept it’s ridiculous and their kids will suffer forever for it.

And let’s not forget: Lori and Cory did have another choice. It just didn’t happen to include her parents doing it all for them, unlike all the rest of the train wrecks we’ve seen on this show. It would have meant they’d have to sacrifice and do it themselves. They chose not to, which tells me that were not mature enough to be decent parents.

Lori was right when she said her mom and dad wouldn’t mind being grandparents but they just don’t want to be parents again. And clearly that’s exactly what would have happened if she’d kept the baby. How would that have been fair to anyone except the two who made the mistake and then chose not to step up on their own?

I’d like her to tell that to me and many of my former-teen mom friends who went on to grad school and happy, successful adult lives.

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And I’d like to tell you about young women who kept their children and didn’t go to college, got married to the father’s and are either divorced or in an unhappy relationship, are in poverty or have been abused by the father or in relationships since.

No matter whether Lori decided to keep the baby or give it up for adoption, at least she didn’t have an abortion. Keeping the baby or giving it up for adoption both are hard decisions. They could have been prevented by stressing abstinence to kids these days. Sex is thrown around so freely, it almost seems like it’s a required elective to graduate high school now a days. I know that Lori will be affected for the rest of her life by her decision but at least her child had a mother who made a selfless decision to give her child a better life.

I’m going to go back a few days with this comment. I knew it would get missed in the correct place. I have a comment about the Barbie blog.

If it was truly Ballerina Teresa that was put on clearance, as the article stated, she is a Hispanic doll, not African American.

When my daughter was younger, she had 2 African American Barbies, along with 4 or 5 White Barbies. Had nothing to do with political correctness; she just liked their hair. One day I came home to find that the dog had chewed off an arm and leg on one of the African American dolls. Funny, because she’d never done that to a White doll. Perhaps the dog was racist? or perhaps it was simply that the doll was left on the living room floor and the others were safe in their box.

Usually there is a simple answer for everything, but if we want to make it into a big deal, it’s always possible.

i myself was a teenage mother, 19. Even though I was much more mature and stable at 19, I was still too young to become a mother. It’s not the end of the world to be a teen mom, but I do believe that there are certain situation that adoption or abortion is the best choice for some young girls.

I will be forever grateful to the teenager who loved her daughter so much she gave her up for adoption by my wife and me more than 40 years ago. In almost every case, adoption is the best answer, and the solution I would have advised had my daughter become pregnant at the same age.

“It’s unpopular to say, but generally, teenage girls who become parents end up in the socioeconomic status as their parents. Poverty causes teen pregnancy, not necessarily the other way around.”

You have the makings of a fine article there if you would explicate both sides of that argument. You offer us this opinion, but you don’t back it up with fact. And there’s plenty of research to show that having a baby as a teenager (which, as we all know, is different than getting pregnant) is indeed, on average, an indicator of poverty as an adult.

This episode was brutal to watch. I’m 7 months pregnant and hormonal, but I cried. (By the way, could that baby have been any cuter?)

I agree with you that Lori seemed, in a way, bullied into the adoption, but let’s face it – Lori didn’t come across as the brightest bulb in the shop (although she was so sweet), and her immaturity was quite clear. Her ex-boyfriend couldn’t even figure out how to ask his roommate if she could stay with him. You’ve got to admit that had Lori kept that baby, those parents would have been the ones doing 75% of the work. Would that have been fair?

And while I’m proud of how far you have come as a former teen mom, as a teacher of teenagers, I can tell you that (sadly) you are one in a million. Statistics repeatedly tell us that teen moms and kids of teen moms have poorer outcomes when it comes to education, income, etc. Not all of them, of course, but many of them.

The saddest thing about teen pregnancy is that no matter what option is chosen, there will almost always be sad, hurt feelings and some regret.

“And I’d like to tell you about young women who kept their children and didn’t go to college, got married to the father’s and are either divorced or in an unhappy relationship, are in poverty or have been abused by the father or in relationships since.”

Jennifer- Of course I know those girls too. But they aren’t all young moms. I also know women in all of those situations who were NOT teenagers when they had their children.

I did not see this episode, but, what was done this child and mother by her parents was sad, I know that being a mother at sixteen is not an easy task, but, it is not an impossible one. This mother is the only one in her heart who will have to deal with this decision for the rest of her life. Her parents should be ashamed, not her, they in my opinion did not want to deal with the shame they felt because their daughter got pregant at such an early age and was not married.

I am the mother of a teen mom. My daughter and granddaughter live with me. While it is a very joyous thing, it is also very very difficult and certainly not for everyone. I am still not sure I can do it at my age, and my granddaughter is over a year old. Life is complete chaos and it is nothing like having my own kids. I have no control, my teen daughter is the parent and the one making the decisions, and you basically have to live with the consequences. The best I can do is protect my granddaughter in every way I can and try as hard as I can to control the chaos. I don’t think you can force parents into this situation. Unfortunate as it seems, the only way that they have the freedom to do what they want (keep the baby) is for THEM to step up and take care of it. Otherwise, I really think it should be up the the parents of the teen. I feel that not only is my daughter’s life ruined, but so is mine, as well as my relationship with my daughter and granddaughter.

I want to address your comment because I am a teacher as well. I know that looking at pregnant students while they are in the midst of their crisis, their futures seem quite bleak. I am sure that the teachers and counselors who dealt with the girls in my prenatal/parenting group many years ago probably felt the same way. But they didn’t follow us into adulthood, and I can’t see my students 10, 15 years into the future either.

But I do know where the other young moms from that group are today and even those of us who dropped out of high school ended up with college degrees, happy families, and a pretty typical middle class existence. I know plenty of success stories and failures from my high school class, but having children was definitely not the defining factor.

I’d like her to tell that to me and many of my former-teen mom friends who went on to grad school and happy, successful adult lives.

_______

And I’d like to tell you about my life as a child of teenage parents. My mother was 15 and my father 19. Luckily, I had a wonderful grandmother or else I would have never received any love at all. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Also, I have a high school friend who gave a baby up for adoption and she said it eats her alive knowing that she has a daughter out there some where and doesn’t know how she is doing. In my opinion, abortion is much easier. Neither option is great, but unless the teenager has parents who are willing and able to raise another child, this child is usually forced into a life of poverty and neglect.

Having been in Lori’s situation, I can say with complete honesty that no matter what choice a girl in that position makes, it’s going to be painful. It hurts to have an abortion. It hurts to hand your baby over to a stranger knowing you’ll never see it again. And it hurts to keep the baby knowing that maybe if you had put it up for adoption it would have a better life, but you just couldn’t do it. All in all, it’s a lose-lose situation, no matter which direction you go.

Wow, I watched this episode last night so I am glad to see that it is being discussed here. I was also very upset by it and found myself crying throughout the show. I want to say that I don’t blame Lori’s parents for not wanting to be parents again of a baby – but they went about this whole thing in such a terrible way. Lori, at one point said, “What are my options? To go out on the street?” Her mother just sort of smirked and didn’t disagree with her – so obviously they WOULD have put her out on the street. They are disgusting. Sure, Lori could have stood up and said she wouldn’t give the baby up and she’d do it on her own, but where would she go? She’d be in poverty. Of course the girl wasn’t going to choose that. Those “parents” of Lori’s are disgusting, if you ask me.

Like I said, I don’t disagree with their chagrin at their daughter being pregnant – but they could have pushed for adoption while also telling her what her other options were. Quite honestly, they couldn’t even kick her out because she is only 16 or 17 – but they could have told her that once she turned 18, she and the baby would have to get their own place. Lori could have gotten a job, public assistance, whatever the case may be. But instead, they guilted the girl into giving away her baby and basically made her feel that if she kept him, she’d be out of their lives.

At the end, the mother says “I am so relieved”. Really? Relieved to be rid of her GRANDSON? I guess because she never gave birth herself she had no idea how it feels to be a real mother – because Lori’s mom was the most heartless woman I have ever seen. Even her dad was like all giddy and excited when Cory agreed to adoption, and never once did either parent reach out and hug Lori. They are cold, manipulative jerks and I wish social services would step in and do something about the fact that the girl was manipulated into giving up her child.

Why are we so concerned about what is the right for the mom or for the dad? Doesn’t anyone ever think about what is right for the BABY? A baby deserves the best home, the best parents, and unconditional love. 99.9% of teens would find that impossible to provide. The hardest solution, and the best one, is to allow that baby to have a wonderful life with people who can’t conceive on their own and will provide every opportunity for that child. Selfish is keeping the baby. Doing the right thing is giving it the best chance possible at a good life. Why are you all missing the point?

There are plenty of good people that deserve a chance to raise a child and don’t get that chance. Do what needs to be done and stop being selfish: give the babies up. People like me who got a brother because someone loved him enough to let our family have him, thank you.

I was a teen mother…had my first at 14 and second at 16. I am now 29 with a 15 year old and a 13 year old. They are my world and glad I did not abort or give them up for adoption. Being a teen mom is hard work but not impossible. However, it is not for everyone and definitely depends on the maturity level of the teen parents involved, especially the mother. I’ve seen all the ephisodes of Teen Mom and clearly the girls mature much faster than the boys. In my experience, my kids and I turned out very, very well.

I was a teen mom (19) and my parents went off the wall when I came up pregnant. My father railed on and on about how I had ruined HIS life and HIS reputation and he wanted me to get an immediate abortion, in secret, out of town. Talk about support! I had decided, on my own, to have the baby and give it up for adoption. The father had skipped on me and hastily got married (which didn’t last) so it was up to me.

He was beautiful and he went to a good family. I put a note on the outside of the adoption file that could be given to him after he turned 18. I kept my address and phone current and when he did turn 18, he contacted me and we met. He is back in my life and I get to play with my adorable grand daughter from him. My father and I are still astrainged.

My oldest daughter got pregnant at 17 and she and her boyfriend decided to keep the baby. We helped them until they felt they could handle things (which wasn’t long) and they now have a 15 year old on their hands, a house, and a long, happy marriage.

It’s not always about bad outcomes, sadness, or forcing. If parents will let their hearts guide them, support their children, and listen.

All the more reason for girls to keep their legs closed and boys to be told No.

Hate to say it, but it’s not a mystery to anyone really that is a teenager on how a baby is made.

They make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to have sex (barring rape/incest victims of course), so I have no pity on any of them. THEY got themselves into the mess. THEY should have to deal with it. Not the parents.

Unfortunately, the parents are usually left with the mess the kids made (as usual).

As far as the woman who had a kid at 14…What on earth made you decide that humping some guy was the right thing to do at that age? Don’t give us the line about “you didn’t know”. I’m older than you. I know what they taught in school back then. I know you read and saw it on tv, in the movies, etc, everywhere (not near as much now).

So why would you do that? much LESS do it again 2 years later. I’m glad they are your world…but you set a bad example for them, and others, with what you have done, and don’t seem to care.

I think it is amazing how brainwashed people can be. Don’t forget that adoption is a business! People are making money off of having adoptions be performed. So why would they ever tell you anything other than that you are doing the best for that child. Tug at my heartstrings and line your pockets.

It seems as though Lori’s parents felt that she should be indebted to them because they did her a “favor” of adopting her, so she had to choose them over her child (give the child up or you have to leave.) I wonder if the reason she was adopted was because her mother could not have children. It leads me to believe that she might be jealous, and does not want the reminder that she could not have children in the house.

My mother was a teen mother and we are not poor, nor are we uneducated, nor was my home lacking in love. This world is full of people who want the quick fix, and want the problems to go away just with the snap of a finger. So just like that you can sign adoption papers and your problems will be gone, your daughter can go sledding, and have everyone believe that her life is just like any other teen. Unfortunately, this is not the natural order of things, hormones cause a connection for a mother to a child at birth. Lori will always feel empty, and her relationship with her parents WILL suffer, no way around it. She can always have the facade of a great life, but nothing can ever make her okay with that decision. No matter how many times she tells herself she is. Her parents should have sacrificed for HER and their grandson. Sure you don’t want to be parents again, but it happened! Love that child, because they will regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but they will.

I too saw this episode. I did think Lori’s parents were not as loving as they could have been, but of all the parents on 16 and Pregnant, they were the only ones who wanted the kids to actually think about how they were going to raise the child. It is sad that they editing made it seem like Lori would have been out on the street had she kept the baby, but after seeing Cory’s flaky behavior you really can’t blame them for not wanting their daughter to be entangled with this guy the rest of her life. If you watch the After Show Interview, Lori seems like she would have come to the decision on her on though she wishes her parents would not have pressured her. She also wishes she would have thought about what she was going to do with the baby before she was four or five months along. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been to hand over her child when he was two days old. But she did an amazing job picking out adoptive parents and seemed very happy for Aidan to have such a great family. As much as we are made to dislike Lori’s Mom you can’t help but think of what her daughter raising a child would mean for her. Looking back on several episodes from season 1, you really can’t blame her for feeling the way she does. Teen pregnancy hurts so many people and I am glad to see a show that portrays real struggles and shows how hard these young women’s lives become. I wish more episodes showed the guy’s families. Most of them are such immature jerks that it makes me really wanted to see their parents’ reactions as they need to step up as much as the teen mom’s family.

I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with those choices..Adoption or abortion.

My parents told me flat out if I (or my two sisters) got pregnant, it would be one or the other. If not, both of us were on our own.

They had raised their children, they made it very clear we would raise ours..and NOT in THEIR house. It would NOT be fair to expect them to raise ANOTHER child because I was stupid enough to get pregnant.

That’s the same thing I tell my kid. If I wanted more than one kid, I would have had more than one kid.

I have to agree with you. I myself was a teen mother and graduated high school in the top half of my class…graduated college with honors…and my parents did none of the work. My son barely knows my mother and my father is more interested in his own life. Not saying that it is not hard, but if you want it, you can achieve it. In my experience the teen mothers who live in poverty are the ones who did not try to do anything else with they’re lives. I know several girls who had children as teens and the ones that continued their education, are doing great. The ones who dropped out and sat on their bums collecting welfare…well…

But like I said it depends on the person. If you want to make something out of your life you can (parent or not).

They make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to have sex (barring rape/incest victims of course), so I have no pity on any of them. THEY got themselves into the mess. THEY should have to deal with it. Not the parents.

Note to Katie C. – you made a comment about Lori’s mom not understanding how Lori felt because she was not a “real” mother having not given birth to her. That is a really hurtful comment to all adoptive moms and adopted kids out there. My husband is adopted and his mom is a wonderful person and his “real” mother in every sense. His mom raised him to be grateful to his bio mom for looking out for his best interests and placing him for adoption when she could not care for him herself. Whether or not Lori’s mom was right in her actions or not has nothing to do with the fact that she adopted Lori. There are many, many “real” moms out there (i.e. biological moms) who commit heinous acts of abuse against their offspring. Biological connection is never a guarantee of “real” love.

I’m a first timer to this blog, and I stay away from blogs in general because too many of them seem to prove the theory that any drunk on a keyboard can write a blog post. However, I have found comments on both sides of this issue to be very thoughtful, and for once in the keep/abort/adopt debate it seems like emotions are kept in check and rational thought is allowed to emerge. Given all that, there is one consideration here I don’t see: Can anyone name for me one good outcome to the baby of an abortion? Now, I’m admittedly pro-life (I wasn’t always – it was only after faced with that possible consequence in a relationship that I fully examined my conscience), but let’s leave that out of it for a minute. From a standpoint of logic and reason, how can killing a baby (and you can call it whatever you want to soothe your own conscience, but that’s what it is) be preferable over the opportunity to live and become something? And who are we to make that choice for them? Sure we make choices for our children all the time, but in those choices life and happiness are tantamount in our decision process. Every citizen in this country has a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Why shouldn’t we confer that same right on a child over whom we hold guardianship?

I don’t want this to be construed as an argument about a woman’s choice. Yes, women do indeed have the right to choose the medical procedure that they deem to be the best course of action for their own bodies and health. However, women do not own a monopoly on this right – men have this same right. I’ve long believed that abortion is not so much about a woman’s right to choose (and I can only imagine the emotion driven fury this is going to unleash!) but it is instead an abdication of responsibility. A woman’s choice should be with whom she sleeps, and at what age. If getting pregnant will wreck your plans, then don’t do the thing that will make it happen. That’s your choice and you are free to make it. However, the moment an embryo forms guardianship begins and until that baby is brought to term she has the obligation to protect it. If the mother will not uphold her responsibility the State has (or should have) the responsibility to step in to protect the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness of that developing human life. It’s not your body, and if you don’t believe me ask any doctor what happens if the baby’s blood mixes with the mother’s. I’m pretty sure he/she will tell you it’s not good.

Look, this may not be the proper forum for this discussion but I just wanted to point out that too little consideration is given I think to the child when the abortion decision. Instead the argument is usually something along the lines of “I can’t provide a good life so I’m just going get it out of me.” However, just how good of a life will it have after an abortion? Doesn’t it deserve a chance? Mother Theresa has a quote attributed to her that goes: “It is a travesty of humanity that a child should die in order for woman to lead the life she wants”(or something pretty close to that.) I think that nicely sums up my point, in a lot fewer words.

I’m not trying to win an argument here. I only hope to provide readers with something new to think about.

I was married a month after I turned 17 (not pregnant) by age 20 had three children. I ended up as a single Mom when my children were 5,6,and 7. I have a nursing degree, another bachelor’s degree, a masters degree and had a highly succcessful career. I took parenthood very seriously, remained fully independent, and all three of my daughters have grown up to be women of substance with a close loving relationship with me. But I still would NOT advocate teen aged parenthood for anyone…it is very difficult for the parent and the child/ren. I do believe the unmarried teen parents should be fully charged with the right and responsibility of deciding how they are going to handle the pregancy and I believe their parents need to assist them in examining all the issues. The decision to keep a child, must be without the expectations that the grandparents will be the ones to either have the mother and baby live with them or that they will be financially supporting them. Being a parent is a personal responsibility and if you are not equipped to independently handle all aspects of the life demands for you and your baby, then you are not in a position to keep the baby…you cannot provide the necessities of life you and your child need. There are no totally “good” choices but the one to keep the child must be from the aspect of total adulthood, not remaining in a dependent childlike position yourself. This is not cruel or harsh…it is a reality of adult life. For every “success” story, there are thousands that end up with a substandard life of socioeconomic hardship damaging to the family unit and producing a child who is behind the eight ball at birth. No matter what the romantic souls out there like to believe, there are times when love is simply not enough…true love sometimes means loving yourself, your child to be, and those who love you, enough to do the right thing and place your child in an adoptive home. Grandparents should never have their lives held hostage and be forced to be unwilling supporters to a teenaged child making unwise decisions negatively impacting so many lives. These “children” do not suddenly and magically become full fledged adults just because of an accident of biology…we must be “wise” enough not to reinforce the false belief that they have the “right” to make those kinds of decisions for other people who are simply innocent bystanders (that includes the baby). If they choose to keep their child, it must be because they are prepared to fully assume all adult responsibilities for themselves and their child. This is the kind of situation in which no one can “play house” but instead must be an adult in all ways…very few teenagers will be able to meet those requirements.

I too was a teenager pregnant at 16. My parents forced me to give the baby up for adoption. I fought them but finally gave in. The father was a dead beat. Looking back, that was the best thing for the child and me. I was too immature to raise a child at 16. There is pain no matter what decision you make. One regret I have is not doing an open adoption. The wondering and not knowing will eat you up.

I agree with what sighs and michelle posted. Kids these days expect everything to be done for them, their messed cleaned up and their wrongs righted. Young people are not held accountable for their actions any more. And yes, in most cases, the grandparents suffer.

Girls need to learn how to say NO and keep their legs closed. If they can’t do that, they need to use birth control and use it properly. Problem solved.

To those who think “it’s a beautiful and unselfish thing” to give up a child for adoption, zip it. You have no idea what you’re talking about. It may work fine for some, but I know too many birth mothers, myself included, who were forced into giving up the baby and regretted it every day after. I got pregnant at 17. After I refused to be forced to marry the father, my own mother made it clear that she would offer no help whatsoever if I kept them. Yes, them….I had twin sons. By “help”, I didn’t expect my parents to support me and my children financially, but I was led to believe they wanted nothing to do with us if I kept them. Adults — my parents, our attorney and professional counselors — all told me that I was incapable of loving a child and being a good parent” at my age and that I would “forget all about it” after a while. I know other birth mothers who were told the same thing as they took their babies out of their arms. LIARS!!! These fools had enough life experience to know that was NOT true. As teenagers, we did not know this and so WE have to pay the very very painful price each and every day. I later became pregnant again while I was married and opted for an abortion (because I still felt I was “incapable of being a good parent”, having had it drilled into my head daily for 7 months) and to you anti-choicers, the abortion was far less emotionally painful than giving my babies away. How dare you judge if you haven’t experienced anything like this? Self-righteous, that’s what you are. You have no idea how all of this has effected my life, my children’s lives, my grandchildren’s, my relationships….the list goes on. I don’t watch the television program mentioned here, but anything to do with adoption always catches my eye. Mary Jo sounds just like my mother….it was all about her and no one else. My heart goes out to Lori and Cory. They have a very rough road ahead.

FYI everyone: The adoption is not final until the JUDGE signs the Order. Period. And I promise you that he or she will not do that if there is the slightest indication of any coersion. I speak from vast experience from all sides of this issue.

A good friend of mine placed her child in an open adoption over 10 years ago when we were in college. It was painful for her at the time, but it was so much better over the long term because she got pictures and letters and visited about once a year. She also got to finish school, move to a new city, and begin a career. Also, the adoptive parents were privy to all sorts of medical information. My husband (being the product of a closed adoption) has zero medical history which can be very frustrating at times.

A little over a decade after placing her son, my friend got married and her birth son and his parents attended her wedding where he served as one of the ushers. It was very emotional for everyone but also a beautiful thing. I doubt if the adoption had been closed that she would have been able to go through the process. Open adoption seems to me to be the best way to go if all parties are willing.

Susan, do you really believe an open adoption arrangement makes things easier for the majority of birth mothers? I didn’t have that option 38 years ago, but I can’t imagine which would be worse — not knowing about them at all or actually watching them grow up with someone else. Trust me, that is not a solution to the dilemma.

I cringed at this statement: “Good, loving adoptive families respect the incredible weight of the decisions that birthmoms make and they raise their baby to love and respect the woman who gave them life.” No doubt there are some who do this, but my personal experience and those of the majority of other birth mothers I know (and I know quite a few) who have reconnected with their children, didn’t find this to be true of the adoptive parents, particularly of the adoptive mother. Insecurities abound as if we have returned to reclaim our children. I haven’t heard any stories of kind descriptions of birth mothers or shose children were taught to “love and respect the woman”. Nope, as a matter of fact, they are often full of their own insecurities and abandonment issues. When my twin sons told their adoptive parents they had found me (and this took some months to work up to), she burst into tears. At my sons’ request, I phoned her so she could hear my voice and hopefully put her fears(??) to rest. The clear passive-aggressive tone in her voice framed her insecurity beautifully. She made certain to tell me that they didn’t want to find “me”, but only wanted medical history. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that wasn’t so. I’ve had an ongoing relationship with them since 2000 and we are all trying to help each other work through the damage that the adoption had on us all.

It’s very disturbing when people who haven’t experienced it as either the birth parent or the adopted child (or children, in our case), paint a false picture of the ‘joys of adoption’. With fewer exceptions than not, it’s a truly unnatural and life-altering event for everyone BUT the adoptive parents. They are generally the only ones who get to experience the joy.

Shows like that are edited for our viewing pleasure.. I watched the show too, and as much as I agree that the parents pushed harder than most do, I think Lori’s decision was the right one.. The fact that these parents are older and would have had to raise that child, Lori was not the brightest girl on the show and it seemed like she was looking for an out. When she asked Cory why he was inviting her to move in, he said “Where else are you gonna go?” I think 2 things happened, it broke her little heart that he wasn’t trying to make a family unit, and the fact that he was right.. Her parents would not have let her go to the streets, but the fact that she doesn’t work, she wasn’t trying to say she would, she wanted everyone to make a decision first so she could make hers, were prime examples of her immaturity. Sweet girl, but it was obvious that she was not the best person to raise this child, and her parents that raised her and know her better than we did in a sad 1 hour show, took it upon themselves to show her the right way.. As parents that is what we do.. I had a child at 22, and it has been difficult, the father is scarce, and I raise her on my own and with one paycheck.. If my daughter came up pregnant at 16 I would advocate adoption also.. At 22 I was not ready, how can she be at 16?? Adoption is not the end of the world. College would be harder with a child, I went 3 years and had to drop out to raise her, I have no support system other than family and even then it is hard when I live so far from them.. I would not change my decision, but I would have made adoption an option for myself had I been younger.. Although I had mixed emotions about last nights show, I believe Cory wanted to have his child in theroy, and his idea was good, but he could have been ALOT more helpful in making a decision, and instead he was so wishy washy about everything.. He was totally gonna be the sometime dad, and a child deserves more than a sometime dad.. Trust me, as a person who lost her father young, and also had her childs father skip out, a child deserves a full time father, and he was no full time father figure. So in my opinion.. Bravo to the parents for knowing what was best.. Lori was adopted also, so they knew how important that decision was. I do not think they were being selfish, I think even though words and shows are edited they had the best intentions for her.. Now she can be a kid like she should be and know someone can afford, financially and emotionally, to take very good care of her baby. I find adoption stories much more compelling and happy compared to the ones who keep them.. Just my opinion..

This show made me angry. I wanted to reach through my TV and smack Lori’s adoptive “mom.”

Both Lori and Cory came from affluent upper middle class families, there was no reason that child had to go up for adoption.

Why were their cold, uncaring (wealthy!) families not willing to help them out a short four years when they would be college graduates?

They could have been on their feet and fully independent by the time the kid was done being potty trained.

I think both of them will forever regret this decision, and come to resent their families lack of support and love.

Hell, my mother was a teen mom and is now a successful RN making a 6 figure salary. Education determines poverty- not motherhood.

Very interesting points that Lori’s “parents” felt she owed them, and perhaps the “mom” was jealous she could not give birth.

I hope that person was right about the judge not signing the order. I would love to see Lori get her son back and I would gladly open my wallet and send her money; so would everyone else in America who was just as horrified at the sight of Lori’s “mother” silently smirking when she asked if she and the newborn baby would be out on the street.

Back in the 1990′s I became a teen mom… I was 19 going to 20… kind mature enoguh to face the world, mainly my parents to fight for this child to bring him to the world. I was so difficult. My dad gave the first and only option for him… ABORTION. I REFUSED… after have lived in a so troubled family becoming a mother made me feel the happiest woman in the entire world. Yet I was a single one, and even that hurted me the most i did not care. I got on my knees every single night asking GOd for forgiveness since I felt that I failed to HIM, to my parents… GOD himself put in me the desire to bring my baby to this world. Now he is 16, I am good looking youn mother, and I do not regret at all to have had my baby back then. If I was given the chance to go back and not conceived my son and done other thing i was dreaming for back then I CAN TELL YOU THAT I DO NOT CHANGE MY BABY FOR NOTHING. GOD GAVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE BY ACEPTING THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACT. AND ABORTING MY CHILD OR GIVING HIM AWAY WERE NEVER SOLUTION THAT CAME TO MY MINE. I GAVE BIRTH TO MY SON AND HE GRANTED ME THE MOST HONORED ROLE IN LIFE TO BE A MOTHER.

Larry In Richmond, very well-put. Or to put it another way: when you are faced with choices, which one truly has finality to it? People will often say in those situations, “it feels like the end of the world.” In the case of an unplanned pregnancy, the choices are incredibly difficult (I’ve personally known people in all three situations: birth, adoption, and abortion) but only one of those choices has a finality to it. And the person on the receiving end of that choice has no say in it. Just some additional thoughts…