Sunday, 17 April 2016

Hop Shortage Signals Hipster End of Days

Crafty brewers are being blamed for the global hop shortage and hundreds of hipsters, as predicted on this very beer blag, are starting to rub their moisturised hands together at the thought of becoming 'hopsters' instead!

Bertie Beardwax releases his hops into the wild.

One such 'Hopster', Bertie Beardwax said of the new term "Hopster is just such a homogenised term already, we prefer the term 'Artisinal Farmers' that way we can grow what ever the fuck we want and call it hops! Hopster is just so just so confining, it's actually quite derogatory!"
Berties friend, Ivan "inverted commas" Terribleax agreed with his pal saying "Yeah it's like offensive, man, i'm like, growing weeds as well to like, er..sell n'stuff, weeds are the next big thing, man, you can even, like, er...smoke them so we're like er..expanding new markets as well as our minds"
Quite.

Apparently these Hopsters have all applied for allotments all over our fair capital in which to grow their 'hops' and some of them even have massive ideas for expansion too, people such as our friend, Bertie who told us he was going to expand into a railway arch in Camden which used to have a brewery in it before the brewer sold out to mega craft beer factory ABInbev. When asked about hops needing sunlight, Bertie replied "It's ok, my skin doesn't need sunlight so we're going to take that same principal into growing hops and weeds"
BB as he likes to be called also has plans to increase the hop population of the world by also growing actual hops and then releasing them into the wild so they can multiply naturally and babbled on "it's amazing to think i'm single handedly saving the world hop population".

One of ABInbevs lawyers was dispatched to comment by automated message had the following to say..."Whilst we welcome more Artisinal Farmers popping up in railway arches, we have no need for them as we don't actually use hops in any of our beers anyway". Automated Lawyer #381 wasn't programmed to answer any questions so it was shut down until it was needed to bully a small brewer about the name of their beer being nothing like any of ABInbevs.

We're not holding our breath on Bertie Beardwax's plan but he's quietly 'hopful' of success. Yes we see what you did there, Bertie.