Dating Dilemmas

Most people loathe dating. You’re on your best behavior, putting on an Academy Awards performance. Usually underneath the polite chatter is a stream of self talk about whether this person you’ve met is a viable “candidate” for life partnership. It’s a giant size-up game, which is particularly nerve-racking for people who have gone through a divorce, and already often feel a bit bruised, discarded or unlovable. Some typical dilemmas center around the issues of:

feeling objectified

fear of getting hurt again

whether it’s fair to move forward if you know this person isn’t your version of marriage material

how much to share

who takes initiative

who pays

when and if to have sex

when and if to tell your kids

when to introduce this person to your family

fear of making the same mistakes

what’s okay to put up with

In my therapy work with dating clients I tell them that there are four firm guidelines I suggest which can make the whole thing easier and more fun:

Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and honor them. Stand by yourself.

Keep your sense of humor. It helps you maintain perspective. If it goes badly, chances are that nobody will get killed.

Insist upon reciprocity. Expect give and take. Share responsibility for making things happen or not.

Don’t rush it. Pushing things prematurely can create pseudo intimacy, and more illusions. Let things unfold naturally without pressure. If it’s the right thing, force doesn’t make it happen.

Pay attention to these guidelines, and you’ll have a much better time, whether you meet your “life partner” or not.

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About Susan Lager

I am a licensed, board certified pyschotherapist and relationship coach in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Through my psychotherapy or coaching services, I can provide you with
skills and tools to transform your life.