Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 2.16 – Lies, Leis and Lanai

So, like, remember how Russell totally ruined everyone’s prom by existing? And breathing his open mouth cooties all over an email to Camille so, like, the whole gang was super mad at him and stuff? And they kicked Taylor and Russell out of prom because it’s our Senior Year, you guys. This is supposed to The Year, okay? This is our time our time. And yes, I just quoted Goonies. Because Goonies never die.

The gang is finally able to have fun at prom now that Gross McJerkface and Taylor have left, right? So they all have fun by sitting around and bitching about them and how awful this was for everyone, and Camille points out that her parents totally needed her to not talk to Russell or she’d be in trouble, and Kyle is just distraught, you know? Because this is her most important prom as co-captain (Lisa coughs) er, lieutenant of the drill squad and her soccer captain boyfriend is like, mega hot, and he just wants to dance and why did Russell have to ruin everything?

Speaking of hot stoner soccer captain Mauricio, he grabs his lady by the hand and drags her onto the dance floor to rock out to mariachi music and kiss him, and she stops crying because yeah, you’re not going to be thinking of anything negative with Mauricio is all up in your grill. Am I right, folks? I’m right.

But we get to ride home with Russell and Taylor, who are just pissed that they got outfits and corsages and Russell got a limo and now they have to just go home? Well, maybe they could go to Vegas? Taylor rolls her eyes because she’s still pissed that no one commented on her awesome peacock feather earrings or how her lips looked half-way to normal and she’s just super embarrassed. Well, Russell says, she shouldn’t be, because they’re right, everyone is wrong, neener neener. Because Camille was spreading LIESALLLIES.

“Well…”

Russell gives her A Look and she bites her lip (instantly flooding her mouth with collagen) and shuts up. You can tell she wants to keep saying, “Not a lie. Just embarrassing information.” She instead tells him with a big deflating smile, “Well, all couples fight.”

Kim swings her high-pony around back at prom, happy she didn’t cause this particular fight. Brandi gets teased about being freaky in Vegas with Camille, and eh, she’s of the new generation where sex is way more fluid (and don’t I wish I was born a little later? Wait, then I’d miss The Cure. Never mind.) Paul tells her that she better not make out with Adrienne, because he’s the one man on earth that doesn’t find two chicks hot. Good for you, Paul. Adrienne of course plays her role as Mrs. Bickerson by saying to everyone else that it’s because he’s worried a woman would satisfy her when he can’t.

GOOD GOD, ADRIENNE. Let the man have a moment. Just one.

Oh, let’s all pay attention to Kim, because she’s not had any focus for like, ten minutes. She gets on the dance floor and takes over, swinging her high-pony like a stripper n a Carnivale float. (What is it with the Richards girls and their hair swirling dance moves?) She drops some cute bald dude’s hands when she sees Ken on the side of the dance floor and brings him out to Electric Slide or whatever their generation does aside from hair flinging. She clicks her tongue like maracas and waves her arms about and Kyle sniffs and says, “She’s forcing it.”

Everyone is preparing for their Senior Trip and because this is Beverly Hills 90210, they’re going to a private beach in Hawaii, not a lock-in at the bowling alley. Lisa has Rosa helping her with the packing, Ken comes in with Giggy dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and they both coo and this is what they do instead of sex – they dress their dog. Every one of you has permission to kill me – brutally, if necessary – if I resort to this behavior.

Kyle is also starting to pack but Mauricio comes in from soccer practice with his shirt off and all I can think is curly hair and nipples and I bet his ass feels like it’s made of steel and whatever, the website is called HEY DON’T JUDGE ME. What am I supposed to do with that on screen?

Now they’re all at the airport, checking in the next morning. (I blacked out, I think.) Well, they’re not all there, because Kim of course can’t get her shit together and out the door on time. Why haven’t they learned to tell her an hour before she’s supposed to be there? Her driver’s license is expired, she can’t find her passport, Ken is hulking around, yadda yadda. Kyle sighs heavily and the gang all piles into some fried foods.

Yes. These women were eating tater tots and egg sandwiches. Good for them – also, excellent hangover food. It turns out there’s only one other flight out that day, at 6pm. Paul will be on that flight since he had to hike up some broad’s face from her kneecaps. Kim swears she’ll be on that flight with Golum. I’ll believe it when I see it.

They board First Class and have fabulous foods and cocktails wheeled out for them. Brandi takes half a bottle of Xanax, downs them with champagne, and Camille takes a nap. Brandi has a black strap way up high on her thigh (her dress is of no importance after she’s roofied herself) and that’s where she’s keeping her phone, I guess? I…that looks way uncomfortable, right? They land and have to board a puddle jumper (everyone but Mauricio is disappointed by it being an actual puddle jumper and not a G-6.) Quick flight to Lanai where Kyle almost loses her shit and Mauricio tries to keep her chill (she’s harshing his mellow) and the Four Seasons hotel looms in the distance, comfortable and lovely.

So the gang’s all there, except for Taylor because she didn’t dump her loser man from the gross rival school, and Kim because she’s hanging with the freaks in auto shop behind the school drinking Mad Dog 20-20 or something. But they didn’t want her anyway. And Lisa’s Ken realizes that Brandi is flirting with him (I think she’s just still stoned on meds and booze) which makes Lisa’s claws come out. God, if Ken remembers there is sex and that just being with the prettiest girl in school isn’t enough, she’s going to have to put out to keep things as they were. Then again, she’ll be good for a few months…

Camille and Brandi go lay out at the pool, Camille in a pretty bikini that can barely hold her plastic boobs aloft and Brandi, with her natural small boobs, has them covered in a tea stained doily. She claims it’s a bikini, but damn, girlfriend. That’s some Brazilian shit, there. And let’s just be frank – these two are hot for each other. They may not want to admit it, but they can’t stop looking at each other and being flirty. Go for it, girls, it’s 2012. The future is now!

Some dude with the lamest excuse for a job ever pops by wanting to know if they’d like to be “refreshed with a mist of Evian water?” Of course they do, and there’s a pornographic scene of this guy slooooowly spraying a mist over them as they coo and wriggle to get it everywhere. Seriously. That is a guy’s job. He gets paid. No wonder terrorists hate us. (Also Brandi’s legs are two dimensional. Eat more tots! Or at least some chicken.)

Lisa and Kyle drag their boyfriends to the beach to watch the dolphins frolic (Mauricio is like, seriously stoked about the dolphins? Like, they can think, you know? Have you ever thought of that? And if we could just talk like them, what would we learn? …dude.) as Adrienne is left up in the hotel waiting for Paul to arrive. Sans Kim. Kim didn’t get on the connecting flight, it seems. She was, uh, in the bathroom a long time. SIGNIFICANT LOOK.

(Girl, lay off the booze. Just… damn. She has recently checked herself into rehab, so good for you, toots.)

Paul tries to get romantic with Adrienne, but she misses their kids. I think she just doesn’t know how to have fun with Paul unless it’s sniping at him. Eh, they’ll get into a huge fight, I’m sure and have angry sex and then be okay.

Down on the beach, Lisa gets a phone call from Taylor. Taylor very cheerfully says that her marriage is over. (Taylor had a mini-session with her therapist, who told her that she’s feeling betrayed and she needs to make a hard decision. Looks like she did.)

Lisa, who’s false eyelashes are about to flip off, talks her through the data dump, but Taylor just wants to tell them she’s sorry and that her marriage is over and they’re going to be decent about it for their daughter’s sake. Whoa. It’s about time, Taylor

Next week! Kim shows up! Her boyfriend continues to be gross! Brandi and Camille make out! Okay, probably not that last one.

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