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Reaching Out

My worst problem has been feeling like I’m “alone”. Especially at night, when it’s just me and the four walls, and my computer running silently in the background. When it’s just me and my thoughts, constantly telling me, almost every second, that I don’t matter. I want to die most days, but I shuffle through, hoping something will happen to give me a “reason” to be here.

I know it’s not fair, but…

I feel like I can’t help but rely desperately on people now. I hate feeling so reliant, but I don’t know what else to do now. I need people. It kills me to admit publicly, but I need people. There was a recent period of time when I felt so low that I would just show up at my friend’s houses crying, from as early as 6AM to as late as 3AM. I couldn’t trust myself to be alone because my thoughts would go to such a dark, dark place, and there was no one here but me–my weak self–to fight that voice. I hate feeling like such a burden on everyone, but I’ve been so afraid.

I’ve lost myself…

And that’s the worst feeling of all. Feeling like I don’t know who I am anymore. Everything I used to love doesn’t feel so special anymore. And the things about myself that I put so much work into developing feel worthless now. It’s like I’ve stumbled into a dark cave on half a battery, lost the flashlight, and now I’m just stumbling in the darkness after having made countless turns. I don’t know If I’m getting closer to the light and staggering deeper into the darkness.

I’ve been questioning so much lately…

Why am I so weak? Why am I so scared? Why am I so dependent? What happened to me? Why can’t I just control it, hold back, and stop making such an embarrassment of myself? What’s wrong? What can I do? What can I do? And why do I always feel so alone? Even when people talk to me, even when I’ve been told before that I do matter, why do I still feel like I don’t matter? Like I’m going nowhere? Like I’m of no use to anyone?

It just sucks, you know?

It feels like I’ve lost parts of my life too. When there are those things that you loved that become attached to people who hurt you, you develop a stigma for those things. And maybe it’s more extreme for me. Not being able to drive down certain streets. Not going to certain places I used to love to visit. Not being able to listen to certain songs or watch certain movies or shows that I used to love. Being afraid to think about certain things that actually used to make me happy. Even parts of my own personality are being subconsciously suppressed because they remind me of certain people.

Most of all, I’m just sick of the crying…

…But my personal strength has been drained. I feel like I’ve used up so much of my strength trying to help other people that I don’t have any left for myself anymore. Is that why I’m so weak? I don’t know. I get jealous of other people who seem so confident, and I used to be able to do that myself. I had a philosophy about it:

“No one is really confident. We’re all just faking it. Some of us have to fake it harder than others, but we’re all faking it.”

That alone carried me through a lot. Job interviews, making new friends, coming out of my shell to talk to girls, even as just friends (which honestly terrified me). It wasn’t like I ever looked in the mirror and thought I was ugly or anything. I worked hard to maintain a decent appearance and actually thought myself attractive (not to the point of narcissism or anything), but anyone who has “that voice” in their head, and that low self-esteem knows that your appearance doesn’t really matter. You can feel and act as ugly, and worthless, and depressed as anyone who actually does look in the mirror and say “God, I’m so ugly”. And vice-versa when there are people who you might (secretly) believe to be unattractive who somehow seem to have so much more confidence, luck, and charisma than you do. It’s hard to be who you want to be or who you feel you need to be when you’re feeling “shattered”.

But… I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’ve managed to find some light in this darkness…

That darkness brought me here, to other people like me. Maybe trapped in the same place, And I’m incredibly thankful for the friends I’ve made, and the friends I hope to make in the future. I’m admitting, despite how much it makes me tremble, that I need help. I need friends. I need people. And I’m glad to have found them.

So… Thank you…

Despite the tears, I guess I am happy in a way. It’s a strange and fragile happiness, but I’ll have to hold onto it with everything I’ve got for now, because this happiness is what I’ve needed more than anything.

Whatever stops the crying.

So thank you to everyone who’s been there, and commented, and replied when I put on my “brave face” to reach out. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. 🙂