future

So I have let myself lose track of time again. And once again, I have let too much time pass without writing anything. Even though I haven’t met it in a long time, I set a little personal goal for myself of writing at least once a week. Writing is important to me. I love to do it for many reasons, and I actually use to be fairly good at it. It started out as my first career choice with print journalism being my first major. But I quickly learned that it would suit me better to leave writing as something I could just do for enjoyment on the side. So I changed my major to early childhood education, then more specifically to special education. Which, in a way, is what I am doing now…I am educating my 3 children (all 5 and under) in a very specialized, one-0n-one style through home school. But I often wonder, now that life has brought me this far (married, 3 young kids, and possibly more in the future) without having actually completed my formal degree, “Will I ever go back and finish school?” “And if so, what will I do?” “Continue with education, or perhaps go back to my first choice of writing?” “Maybe I could teach writing?” “What does my future hold?”

These are the thoughts I am thinking as I have a just a few moments of quiet while the kids are napping, and before I must continue with my long list of chores today.

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Tonight I’m wondering about my future. Presently, I am deeply sunken in Mommyhood, spending all of my days taking care of our 4 year old, 3 year old, and 1.5 year old. I am woken up at 7 am every morning, after having at least a couple of extras end up in our bed some time during the night, usually by the pouncing, and jumping, and laughing, and squealing of all 3 of our children…or by my husband who informs me that he’s walking out the door and our children are awake and waiting for breakfast…or by the screams that come from my extremely, melodramatic, 3 year old daughter, who is being antagonized by either one of her brothers. There is, however, the rare occasion that I do actually wake up at 5 am, the time I set my alarm for to ensure that I have enough time to myself…to dress, fellowship with God, enjoy the quiet, and to not feel like a zombie. So then my day usually consists of fixing our meals and then cleaning up the kitchen (at least 3 times a day), rushing my little girl to the potty and cleaning up the mess if we didn’t make it on time, making the beds, picking up toys and trying to get the kids to actually help (usually a dozen times). And then, either vacuuming, laundry, or other cleaning, and trying to remember to stop and play with the kids, or read my Bible, or to just sit. Then putting the kids down for their nap, picking up the toys (again), putting the kids back in their beds (a number of times), and then finally getting to enjoy the quiet with some solitude or a nap for myself. And then, going to the grocery store, or meeting family for dinner, or a service at church, coming back home to put everyone in bed, trying to keep them in their beds, picking up the toys (yet again), and hopefully, if I’m not already asleep at this point, finishing up any unfinished chores and spending time with my Hubby. It is exhausting, and sometimes overwhelming, but it is my life, and I love it.

I do, however, have nights like tonight where I wonder, what will I do when this season is past? What am I going to do when my kids are older and involved in things that don’t include me? I know that they are not the sum total of who I am, but right now they take up so much of me that it’s hard to see anything different for me.

I use to enjoy writing, and was actually majoring in journalism at one time. I was also majoring in early childhood and special education when I graduated from the local college with a 4.0 and an associates in arts and humanities, having taken and aced chemistry 104 and 105. At one point I was planning on going to the Hair Design School, not because it was the only other option outside of college, but because it was an actual passion of mine. I have a harp, and used to take lessons, and I have self-learned to play the piano. I’ve attempted, but not yet conquered the guitar, and one of my secret desires is to own and play a ukulele. I sing and play for one of our worship teams at church, and help lead other worship/prayer sets that we have throughout the week. I am a “Mary” deep down, in that I love to worship and just sit in the presence of Jesus.

I love God, and I love my family, and I am very comfortable with my identity being in Him and in them. But I still wonder some times, is there more that I’m supposed to be doing? Should I be going back to school, or do something else to prepare myself for the other seasons that will come in life? How do all the things that I love and have a passion for work together into an actual path for me to walk on?

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:6

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” ~Isaiah 30:21

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. ~Proverbs 16:3