Life Stinks
Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Life Stinks
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Mel Brooks movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Life Stinks. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.

Life Stinks
Script

...down twenty-four points
in light trading...
sixty-two million shares.
declines outnumber advances
three to two.
new claims for unemployment
benefits rose ...
in the fourth week of April
to .
The number of persons
collecting benefits rose .
They still are running
at about . million.
The weekly jobless claims
figures...
are the earliest indication
of how the economy is doing...
and will give
any early signal...
when the economy begins
to come out of recession.
Gold--up $ . at the afternoon
fixing in London at . .
-Jeez!
-Oh, shit.
lnternational communications
is the most active issue.
lt's down a dollar,
at forty-seven.
U.S. Amalgamated is down a half,
at twenty-nine.
The biggest move of the day--
Bolt enterprises.
The stock is up $ . at
sparked by reports...
that Goddard Bolt intends
to purchase a prime section...
of downtown Los Angeles
real estate.
Morning, Mr. Bolt.
Morning.
Gentlemen, let's go to work.
Pritchard, how are we doing
with our development in Brazil?
Mr. Bolt, we just learned...
that in order to build Club Bolt
the way you envision it...
we'd be forced to cut down
six thousand acres...
of natural Brazilian
rain forest.
So?
Well, sir, the last four hundred
remaining lpi lndians...
left in the world
are still living there.
So?
Sir, if we cut down
their forest...
we'd have to displace them,
and they could cause trouble.
Well, they're not gonna want
to live there anymore anyway.
-Why not?
-no shade.
How are we doing with
our new development in Florida?
Sir, we are having a slight
problem in Fort Lauderdale.
ln order to make room
for the magnificent...
largest-in-the-world
Bolt shopping mall...
we're going to have to tear down
a nursing home for the aged.
So?
Well, at present, there are
very old people living there...
and we understand that
most of them are invalids...
who are bedridden and dying.
So?
lt wouldn't look good
in the papers.
Ah, l get your point.
do it late at night.
Excellent!
Gentlemen,
l have a little surprise.
Follow me.
-What is this?
-Looks like a slum area.
You are looking
at . square miles...
of the most derelict,
dilapidated section...
of Los Angeles.
Right now,
l own half of this property.
The city owns the other half,
but by noon tomorrow...
it will all be mine.
Ow! What is that?
One of those little bums
that live down there.
l suppose you're wondering
why Goddard Bolt...
is prepared to pay
up to $ billion...
to own this worthless
pile of refuse. Am l right?
Well, we would never presume
to question your genius...
for financial wizardry, sir,
but why?
Wait.
Gentlemen, the ultimate
achievement of my life--
Bolt Center.
lt's absolutely visionary.
-Fantastic!
-lncredible!
Gentlemen, you'll never know...
how much this project
excites me.
Mr. Bolt, you have
a surprise visitor.
-Who is it?
-Vance Crasswell, sir.
Crasswell? damn it!
Thank you. Let's go.
Excuse me.
Am l interrupting?
l'm interrupting.
l'm interrupting.
l should leave. Should l leave?
l'm gonna leave.
Can l come in?
Hello, Vance.
You know my attorneys--
Pritchard, Knowles, Stevens.
The three wise men.
Hiya, fellas. What's going on?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Someone else's idea
of what to do...
with the downtown slum district.
Would you bel--
Why didn't they tell me Goddard
Bolt owned the other half?
l never would have bought it.
no one beats Goddard Bolt...
when it comes to financial
wheeling and dealing.
now, look,
l'm in way over my head here.
l'm sorry to have
wasted your time, gentlemen.
Mr. Bolt...
Can l ask you a question?
Let me buy your half
of the property.
l'll give you $ billion...
°/° of the profit
for the next twenty years.
-no.
- °/°.
-no.
-Six.
-Stop.
-Stopped.
Vance, why don't you
let me buy you out?
Look at us.
An office
is no place to do business.
l have a much better idea.
now, isn't this better?
At least we can see
what we're dealing with.
OK, final offer.
l want this property.
l want it.
lt just so happens...
l grew up five blocks
from where we're standing.
l'm all right.
Right in the middle
of this godforsaken slum.
lt's been my lifelong dream
to come back and rebuild it.
lt's OK. You can laugh.
l don't expect you
to understand my feelings.
After all,
you're a rich man's son.
You were born into money.
What, are you kidding?
My father left me five million.
lt's nothing.
no, no, no. nothing is nothing!
These people down here
have nothing. Zero!
Look, l don't want
to hurt your feelings.
You couldn't survive
ten minutes down here.
don't be ridiculous.
l would survive anywhere.
Right. Without your money
and your credit cards?
Yes.
Without identifying yourself
to anyone as Goddard Bolt?
Yes.
For a modest period of time--
l don't know, let's say,
thirty days?
Absolutely.
lt's a bet.
Bet?
What are you talking about?
Well, what you just said--that
you could survive down here...
without using any
of your resources for days.
lf you do it, you get
my half of the property.
You don't do it,
l'm gonna get yours.
l'm sorry.
Wasn't that the bet?
You conniving son of a bitch.
Yes!
lt's a bet.
You've underestimated me, Vance.
l can do it.
You can't do it!
You'll never make it!
This is insane. This is crazy.
You'll never survive.
Pritchard, be quiet.
Fergueson, go on.
Thank you. lf you leave
the prescribed slum area...
or try to remove this
ankle alarm, it will go off...
and if we receive
a sustained alarm signal...
for more than thirty seconds,
you'll forfeit the bet.
After thirty days, the alarm
will automatically deactivate.
Are these conditions understood?
Understood.
-And we have your word on that?
-Yes. You have my word on it.
Pritchard, l'm giving
you and your partners...
my power of attorney.
l'm trusting you to look
after all my legal affairs...
for the next thirty days.
Take it. Take it all.
l won't need anything.
And you won't need this either.
What are you doing?
l have to make sure
no one recognizes you.
That was stitched in.
Give me a comb.
l don't think you realize
what you're getting into.
You've never slept
in the street before.
You've never eaten
out of garbage cans.
You're used
to a hearty breakfast.
This is ludicrous. Look at you
without your toupee.
You look like somebody
who only makes $ a year.
Mr. Bolt, please don't do this.
Let me suggest
you wait twenty-four hours.
-At least sleep on it.
-l've given my word.
do you want me
to go back on my word?
-Would you go back on your word?
-Certainly. We're lawyers.
Give me that contract.
OK, Goddard, here we are.
Come on.
now, in thirty days,
at the exact moment of sunset...
all of this property
is gonna be yours or mine.
Either way, l think we should
have a big party at my house.
-Let's make it at my house.
-OK, your house.
For the look.
-Thanks.
-Let's get out of here.
''Ooms.''
Excuse me.
Two fifty a night.
Checkout--eleven a.m.
You pay in advance.
May l see the room first?
Right behind me, through
those curtains. Take a look.
lt's rather crowded, isn't it?
Yeah.
We get good word of mouth.
do you have a single room?
With or without a jacuzzi?
Look, l got one bed left.
You want it or not?
Make up your mind.
l'll take it.
OK. Sign the register.
-What was that? A roach?
-no. A mouse. Just a baby.
Look, it's two-fifty in advance.
Two-fifty.
Could we have a private
conversation just entre nous?
All right. Listen,
l'm not really a derelict.
l'm down here on a wager.
l happen to be...
one of the richest men in
the country, if not the richest.
The richest?
Yes, and if you give me
a bed tonight...
at the end of this month,
l will give you $ .
All right, l'll up the ante.
$ .
now you're talking.
.
Look, l'll give you a break.
l don't need
the whole tonight...
but if you give me $ .
as a down payment...
the bed is yours.
Otherwise,
get the hell out of here.
Who is it?
Please let me in.
l need shelter.
l'm sorry.
We're closed, my son.
But l haven't eaten all day.
l need food.
We'll be open
in the morning, my son.
You don't understand.
l don't have a place to sleep.
l'm tired--very tired. Very.
Please, please let me in.
now listen!
You're waking everybody up!
now you get out of here,
or l'll call the police!
My son.
Oh, my God.
God.
-Hey!
-Jeez! You scared me!
l didn't know
anybody was under there.
l always go here.
l thought l saw someone...
but then l thought it was
a frigment of my imagination.
Why don't you look first?
Yeah, you're right.
You're right. Sorry.
You almost hit me.
That's disgusting.
lt is?
Yes, it is! Why don't you
use a handkerchief?
Handkerchief?
l ain't got a handkerchief.
l don't think
l ever had a handkerchief.
Here, take this.
Gee, thanks. nobody down here
ever gives you nothing.
You're all right.
What are you doing?
-''P-e-p-t-o. Pepto.''
-What?
lt's hard to read backwards,
but that's what it says.
You must have slept
on a Pepto-Bismol box.
See?
-Yeah.
-don't rub it off. lt's nice.
lt's a nice name, Pepto.
l'm Sailor.
Everybody calls me Sailor
'cause l was nearly in the navy.
That's nice.
They wouldn't take me 'cause
they said l had pleurilsy.
Very nice meeting you.
-Good-bye.
-Bye-bye. nice to see you.
-l just gave you a handkerchief.
-Yeah, but it's got initials.
You can't blow snot in initials.
-See you.
-Yeah. See you.
Excuse me. l wonder...
could you tell me where
l could get something to eat?
don't ask me. l don't know where
my next meal's coming from.
Get the hell out of here!
l told all you goddamn bums!
l don't want you
hanging around here!
You gonna make it look
like a low-class place!
Give to a poor blind man.
Man, don't even think about it.
Good morning, sir.
Get away from my car!
What are you doing?
Just cleaning
your windshield, sir.
Cleaning my windshield?
You made it worse.
-There. That better?
-Oh, wonderful.
-Can l have a dollar, please?
-Get away! The light is green.
My hand! Wait! Wait! l'm caught!
Wait! Stop! Forget the dollar!
A penny.
-Excuse me.
-What do you want?
-l want to get past.
-You want to get past?
He wants to get past.
Get past.
Come on, get past, get past.
Hurry! Get his shoes!
-Hey! What the--
-Get his shoes.
He's kicking. Choke him.
Help! Help! Help!
You no-good scumbags!
You stay away from here!
Those dirty bastards!
Thank you.
l didn't do that for you.
Those pigs invaded my territory.
l'm very territorial.
Yeah, l noticed that.
Gee, they would have killed me
just for my shoes.
They're animals!
They tried that on me
when l first came down here.
They jumped me.
Ha! Big mistake.
nobody messes with Molly.
l grabbed that big guy,
Mean Victor, by the apricots...
and l twisted, and l twisted,
and l twisted.
-Know what l mean?
-l do. l know what you mean.
Good. This is my place.
l live alone.
-You still here?
-l don't have any shoes.
Who are you? What are you doin'
down here anyway?
lt's complicated.
don't tell me.
l don't want to know.
-What are you, about a / d?
-Yes, exactly.
Yes! l'm never wrong.
Come here. Come here.
Stop looking over my shoulder.
Sit down!
not--are you stupid?
That's the bedroom.
Sit in the den.
The den.
Excuse me.
Just where would the den be?
You're in it. Sit.
Good.
Tens. Close enough.
Here we go.
-Brown.
-What?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
They're fine. They're just fine.
Thank you. Thank you.
now, look, l got work to do.
disappear.
Excuse me, would there be
a place around here...
that l could get
something to eat?
Yeah. Going through the garbage
or going to the mission.
Where would l find the mission?
Hey, what do l look like,
a tour guide?
l'll find it myself.
You're never gonna find it.
You're going
in the wrong direction.
He's hopeless.
Wait. Let me cover my cans.
l'm going there myself.
l'll show you.
l saved your life.
l saved your feet.
This is your last help.
This means a lot to us.
God bless you.
Could l have a little more?
Just one more.
Thank you.
Hey, Pepto!
-Pepto?
-Yeah, that's me.
Come sit with us. Over here.
Come on. There are
two empty seats over there.
Hey, Pepto, l see you met Molly.
Hi, Molly. How you doing?
-You two know each other?
-Oh, yeah. We're old pals.
l relieved myself on him
this morning...by mistake.
See? Still unused.
Pepto, l'd like you
to say hello to my friend Fumes.
Howdy.
Man, oh, man! Stewed stew.
-You get it?
-l get it.
l'm gonna get some bread.
Anybody want anything?
-Yeah. Get me some whole wheat.
-All right, baby.
Excuse me.
l hate to be so impulsive...
but you have a little bit
of corn right on your cheek.
Oh, thanks. ls it gone?
no, you've moved it up
to your cheekbone.
ls it gone?
lt's right in the bridge
of your nose now.
did l get it?
Yeah, you got it.
Here you go, Molly. All right.
Hey, man.
You got a piece of corn
on your face.
Anybody finished here?
-l am.
-Thank you.
Thanks, Pops.
Pops ain't gonna be around long.
-His elevens are up.
-What?
His elevens.
Look at the back of his neck.
See them two cords sticking out?
They make like an eleven.
Once they're up, that's it.
He's a goner.
Oh, boy.
Maybe he'll come back in
the world as something better.
Personally, when l die,
l'd like to come back as a bird.
Why?
Because, man,
l could fly free and easy...
and if l saw someone
l really didn't care for...
l'd drop a hot one on 'em.
When l die,
l want to be excremated...
and l want my ashes sprinkled
in the old Briny.
At least l'd be part of the sea
forever and ever.
Oh, that's beautiful, man.
Beautiful.
When l die, l want to go
just like my daddy--boom...
peaceful, in his sleep.
They told me my grandmother died
peacefully in her sleep.
lt's a good way to go.
nobody dies peacefully
in their sleep.
That's what they tell people
to make them feel good.
You want to know how people
really die in their sleep?
First, they go to bed.
Then about : in the morning
they go...
Get a doctor.
l ain't never
goin' to sleep again.
l have to make some money.
How can l make some money
down here?
Why don't you do
what they all do?
-What?
-Beg.
Beg. l tried that, but l'm not
really proficient in that yet.
Bye-bye, children. l love you.
Have a safe trip.
And remember, this is
a new start. no drinking!
And no drugs!
And above all, no infidelity!
Shut up!
l didn't say that much.
Take it easy.
Can you believe that in
the middle of all this filth...
two lost souls could find
some small shred of happiness?
Happiness? What a crock.
See you after the honeymoon.
Lady! You got a job,
you keep it!
don't make my mistake.
You had a job?
A job?
l had a career.
l was a dancer,
and a good one...
before l gave it up
when l got married!
You were married?
Oh, you bet l was married.
l was married to Tom--
Tom Terrific.
Sure, Tom.
Anything you want, Tom.
You want it now, Tom?
Oh, sure, Tom. Go ahead, Tom.
What?
Finished already, Tom?
no, l don't mind, Tom.
Where you going, Tom?
You wash up, Tom.
l'll finish by myself, Tom!
Where did you go, Tom?
You didn't leave a note, Tom.
l'm all alone here, Tom.
You left me all the bills, Tom.
They're taking away the house.
Tom, l don't have a job, Tom!
l'm in a lot of trouble.
So, after Tom ran out...
l realized l had to adjust
my entire lifestyle.
l created this whole
new mental attitude.
lt's called a nervous breakdown.
l cried a lot. l screamed a lot.
l was hysterical
morning, noon, and night.
l was like this--
Help me! Somebody help me!
Get the picture?
l got it. Yes, l got it.
l think the whole block got it.
So, l've been in this
nervous breakdown...
for about eight years.
And you know something?
l like it.
l walk when l want,
l sit down when l want...
l cry when l want,
l laugh when l want.
l pick my own hours.
Sounds a little...
Crazy? There's nothing wrong
with crazy.
Crazy's good.
Crazy keeps them away.
So what's your story?
You ever been married?
Yes, l tried it once.
didn't work out.
She said l spent all my time
making money.
That was time well spent.
Wet it down. All over. All over.
So it burns up nice.
Oh, this is gonna burn big!
Big stuff here, Victor!
Yeah, get it. That's it.
l wish l had some marshmallows!
-Light it.
-What?
-Light it!
-Light it!
Light it. Oh, Victor,
this is going to be so good.
Oh, yeah. Yeah! Just look at it.
Burn, burn. Yes, yes!
Yeah! Look at it!
Look at it! l love fire!
-She won't fool with us no more.
-We should go now, Victor.
What was that all about?
Hey, it's my place!
My stuff!
Shall l call
the fire department?
no.
lt's just a bunch of junk.
l'm gonna get those bastards.
Come over here. l want you
to get Mean Victor and Yo...
and get them to chase you down
here to this Chinese restaurant.
-Me?
-Yes.
Then l want you
to run through this door...
and lock it behind you.
now, if you lock it,
you're safe.
We'll do the rest.
Can you do this?
May l propose an alternative?
-What?
-Why don't we sue?
You may be
the weak link in this.
You know what to do
when you get to the kitchen.
Weak link.
l'm addressing
the two degenerates...
who call themselves
Victor and Yo.
You rob and exploit the helpless
for your own profit and gain...
and use the spoils
of your activities...
to buy and sell
illegal narcotics.
Therefore, l am making
a citizen's arrest.
Citizen's arrest.
And you won't
be needing this anymore.
Get him! Get him!
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say
can and will be used...
against you in a court of law.
God damn it!
Thank God!
Wait a minute.
don't pour! Wait till
they're right under us.
All right. l admit it.
l have a very weak case.
You'll be happy to know
l'm dropping the charges.
Oh, shit!
l'm out of bounds.
-What's that noise?
-l don't know.
lt stopped.
What's he doing?
He's coming back again?
He's the bravest man
l've ever seen.
l'm not mad. l just want
to put my foot up here.
Yeah, that's good. That's good.
Pepto, get out of the way!
now!
Oh, it's hot!
They won't come around here
anymore.
l hope so.
Jeez,
they really did a job on you.
Man, you throw a mean face.
Well, according to this,
his ankle alarm went off...
at : for / seconds.
Well, let's just say seconds.
Then we'd win.
But his lawyers get a copy
of the same readout, sir.
does anybody know why he stepped
out of bounds...
for / seconds?
Well, our surveillance tell us
that he was attacked...
by some vicious
derelicts, sir...
and, l might add,
was severely beaten.
-He almost, uh--
-He almost what?
died.
My God! died?
l don't want to be responsible
for his death.
You think there's any chance
that could happen?
Well, it is possible.
He is living in the streets,
and there's so much danger...
down there, you never know
what could happen.
We'll keep you posted,
Mr. Crasswell.
Yes, thank you.
die.
l never thought
he could actually die.
That would be so tragic.
There. This will help.
What is that?
lt's some stuff Fumes drinks.
lt'll kill anything
except Fumes.
He's germ-proof.
Germs wouldn't live in him.
l'm being invaded by one.
dead germ.
Looks like it's going to rain.
l don't like the rain.
We can sleep in this box.
do you got a place to sleep?
no. As a matter of fact,
we don't.
There's boxes over there.
Come on, let's get 'em one.
Here's a good one.
now, this is my side,
this is your side...
and this is a World War ll
army-navy surplus store bayonet.
This will remind us
of our boundaries, OK?
l assure you l have no intention
of coming near you...
or touching you or in any way
violating your person.
Oh, please. l've heard
those same fancy words...
from other guys
just before they jump you.
Good night.
Look, l don't mean to be harsh.
lt's just that you're a man...
and men are no good.
-l can do it.
-do what?
Oh, nothing. nothing.
Good night. Good night.
lt's raining.
l love the rain.
lt washes all the filth
out of the city.
Speaking of filth...
where would Goddard Bolt go
on a night like this?
Well, if it were very bad,
he'd go to the mission...
with the other derelicts.
lt's a shame--
it's a rotten shame--
that these people
have to live like this...
always on the edge
of uncertainty.
Any chance of getting
that mission closed tonight?
-Very good idea, sir.
-Thank you.
lt's coming down harder.
What the heck's going on?
We're getting flooded out.
Come on. Come on, let's go.
Oh, man!
Look out, Sailor.
Well, there goes
the neighborhood.
Oh, this is bad.
The rain always
kicks up my cough.
We'd better get to the mission.
Look out.
Open the door.
Open up in there!
We're getting wet!
lt's locked. lt's locked!
lt's locked.
Why would they lock the mission
on a night like this?
Hey, Fumes. l really feel lousy.
Tell me the truth. Take a look.
Are my elevens up?
no, man, no. God damn it,
let me go to sleep.
Oh, that's good. That's good.
l'm gonna go down to the clinic.
Maybe they can
give me something.
See ya.
Hey, Sailor?
Hey, y'all. Hey, hey.
Wake up. Wake up.
-Have you seen Sailor?
-no.
He looked like shit last night.
Maybe l oughta go look for him.
OK. Look, we'll all go
look for him. Come on.
You go up there.
You go down there.
-Go up there?
-Yeah. Go on, go on.
That guy is dead.
He's blocking my place.
You know him,
get him out of here.
All right, OK. All right.
The show is over, all right?
Come on, you're blocking
the place here.
What's the matter?
You never seen a stiff before?
Go on. Beat it, all right?
-What do you got?
-He's gone.
-He's been dead a long time.
-Better call the coroner.
nah. They got too many
d.O.A.s already.
Let's just take him
to the morgue.
You call this an ocean?
Well, sooner or later,
it all goes to the ocean.
Why are we doing this?
We're doing this because
Sailor wanted his ashes...
sprinkled in the old Briny.
He's so light.
-How much did he weigh?
- maybe pounds.
Must have been mostly moisture.
ls that the best you could do?
A shoe box?
We're lucky to get it.
Let's face it--
they put the rich in an urn,
and they put the poor in
a cardboard box, like takeout.
Well, go ahead.
Oh, man, here. You do it.
You talk the best.
Sailor, wherever you are...
He's in there.
l know.
Sailor, you were a little man...
often covered
with dirt and filth...
and the last thing
that you ate....
but your heart
was always good and clean...
and l hope you get
your final wish...
and your ashes make it
out to sea.
Good luck.
So long, Sailor.
Bye, Sailor.
All the best.
-Bye, Sailor.
-God bless you, Sailor.
Rest in peace, Sailor.
Excuse me.
l'm sorry. Am l interrupting?
l'm interrupting, aren't l?
Yeah, l should go.
l should go,
because this is wrong.
lt's stupid. lt's wrong.
lt's morally
and ethically wrong...
for me to even be here,
isn't it?
Because we all know
that your client...
only has two days to go
to win the bet.
Looks like he's going to win it.
Therefore, l have no business...
even being here, do l?
l'm just gonna put it simply,
gentlemen.
Would you consider...
betraying the man for whom
you've worked ten years...
in exchange for--
how do you say this--
just a shitload of money?
l made it.
l can't believe it. l made it.
My last day.
no more filthy clothes,
no more eating garbage...
no more sleeping in the cold.
Thank you. Thank you, God.
l'm sorry l didn't believe
in you when l was rich.
l did it! l did it!
Where did he do it?
not around here, l hope.
Molly! Molly! Molly!
Champagne! Champagne!
-l stole it.
-What?
lt's OK. l left
an l.O.U. for $ , .
Here. Here. Help me celebrate.
Celebrate what?
-l won the bet.
-What bet?
The bet! The bet!
When you find out about it
it's going to make you...
the happiest person
in the world. Here.
-Here's to happy.
-no, no. l don't like happy.
Happy's no good.
Happy doesn't last.
l like depressed. depressed
stays with you for a while.
OK. Here's to depressed.
OK. l'll drink to that.
This is good.
lt's raining!
Come on. Let's get inside.
Run inside. Go in that door.
Watch the step.
l've got to dump my stuff.
Careful. Let me get the lights.
-Good. lt's empty.
-Here.
Hey! What are you trying to do,
get me drunk?
Yeah. How am l doing?
doing good.
l love that song.
That's my favorite song.
-dance with me. Come on.
-no.
Come on.
You said you were a dancer.
l don't dance.
That was a long time ago.
This is the greatest night
of my life.
Help me celebrate.
l won the bet!
The bet! The bet!
Please.
Well...OK. All right,
let me lighten up.
Oh, please.
Hurry, hurry.
l am.
l want you. l want you.
Where are you?
-Faster, faster.
-l'm going as fast as l can.
You're beautiful.
My God! Two buses to get here!
Used up all my change.
This is crazy.
We're gonna get busted.
don't worry.
Everything is all right.
That's my house.
Everything in it is mine.
You hear that music?
You hear that laughter?
lt's a celebration in my honor.
l won the bet.
Again with this bet!
Listen, just come in with me...
and everything will be
wonderfully clear. Come on!
All right.
l'm gonna go with you...
but if anything happens,
we're gonna grab what we can...
and run for our lives!
Run for our lives! Come on!
Oh, you are something!
Wait till you see it.
Wait till you see it.
don't worry. This is my house!
There it is--home.
-Come on!
-no! Pepto, no!
Come on! lt's all right!
Well, l did it.
Goddard?
Oh, my God.
lt's such a relief to see you.
What happened to you?
You look like a vagrant.
Of course l look like a vagrant.
That was our bet.
Bet...
-What bet?
-What bet?
Anybody here know
what he's talking about?
does anybody know anything
about this bet?
You...
Pritchard.
Knowles, Stevens.
What the hell's going on?
Show him the contract.
Show him the bet.
What's going on here?
Why are you letting this happen?
You're all in on it.
Ten years.
You've been with me ten years.
How could you turn on me?
Where's your sense of loyalty,
honesty, decency?
Mr. Bolt, we're lawyers.
Wait a minute.
This is still my house!
l want everybody out!
do you hear me? Out!
Yeah! Yeah, you heard him!
Get out of here!
Please. Stay where you are.
Thank you.
l'm sorry. You got it all wrong.
This isn't your house anymore.
l'm afraid you've been declared
non compos mentis.
You see,
when you lost your mind...
you lost everything.
When you gave us
power of attorney...
we did what was best
for everyone.
l bought this house
at a public auction.
l just couldn't stand
the thought...
of strangers living here.
l've been living in garbage...
with rats...
for a month...
and now l have nothing?
nothing?!
not even my house?!
Well, you're not getting these!
no. They're by Cellini.
l bought them. l bought them
from the Vatican.
l got a good price.
My Van Gogh!
Come on, dr. Gachet.
We're leaving!
My wine! Hey!
Chateau Lafite!
Rodin!
My tapestry!
l'm not leaving without
my ''Rape of the Sabine Women.''
All right, now, Goddard, stop.
Please, stop. This is pathetic.
-Get out of my way.
-Fine, fine.
Yeah! And we'll be back
for the rest later!
Hey, hey! Let go!
l've got her!
no! My Van Gogh!
This is pathetic, isn't it?
Very.
Pepto.
l'm not Pepto!
First thing l gotta do is make
a list of everything l had--
cash, stocks,
bonds, investments...
real estate, foreign holdings.
l can get it back.
l can get it all back.
l gotta make some calls,
reestablish my line of credit.
That's all l have to do.
They'll take my calls.
Why shouldn't they
take my calls? l'm Goddard Bolt.
l was the richest man
in the world! The richest!
Shut up!
-Shut up!
-Who are you?
l'm J. Paul Getty! l was
the richest man in the world!
You don't see me ranting
and raving about it, do you?
-no! l took my losses!
-What losses?
during the crash,
the clash, the smash!
Listen to me.
You're not J. Paul Getty.
You are a pathetic,
broken-minded little bum.
ln your mind, you think you're
J. Paul Getty, but you're not.
Whilst l, on the other hand,
am Goddard Bolt...
a genuine financial giant.
So am l.
-You're not.
-l am.
-Wait. Come with me.
-Where are we going?
Over here. Let's talk.
now, look. Let's be reasonable.
There's an enormous difference
between us.
Even though in your twisted mind
you think you're rich...
you're really not.
On the other hand, because of
my serious understanding...
of the world of finance,
l have amassed $ . billion!
And l have amassed . .
-You didn't.
-l did.
Wait!
Look.
Wait a minute.
Let me show you something.
-What?
-This.
-Look, l don't want to hurt you.
-You don't?
no. lt's just that
it's important to me...
that you understand.
l guess it doesn't make
any difference who's richer.
Well, forget about it.
Oh, God, thanks...
'cause l'm really richer,
but l don't--
What's the matter with you?
You're gonna kill this man!
l'm sorry. l'm very sorry.
lt was a temporary loss
of sanity. l'm fine now.
Please forgive me.
l don't know why l did that.
l'm so sorry. Please.
l meant no harm. lt was just--
Let me apologize. l apologize.
Sorry. l'm sorry.
Good day. Good day.
-Are you all right?
-Yeah.
But whatever you do, don't ever
argue money with that man.
Why did he attack you?
l don't know.
Maybe it's because l'm richer.
l don't want to hurt you!
l'll get him! l'll kill him!
-You OK?
-l'm OK now that he's gone.
He's coming back!
l'm richer. l'm richer.
l'm richer!
That man is crazy!
Why do they allow these people
to walk the streets?
They ought to help these people!
l made a bet.
l just made a bet.
We were just betting.
Just a little bet.
l mean, just 'cause
you make a bet...
doesn't mean that you have
to lose all your money!
l can get it all back.
l was a financial genius.
One and one is two.
Two and two is four.
Four and four is three.
l still got it!
White!
Everybody's wearing white.
We must be at a wedding.
We're at a wedding.
We didn't bring anything.
We have to bring something.
My car was white.
l had a white Rolls-Royce.
Pull over. Let's get
something to eat, huh?
Capacity!
What do you mean? l've gotta
get this man into emergency.
This ward is full!
We have reached capacity!
Oh, my God.
We've reached capacity.
Sell.
Get me out of the market.
-dump my pork bellies!
-Put him over here!
lt's all going bad.
lt's no good.
l don't have my money.
l don't want to live
without my money!
l don't want to live!
Life stinks.
Yeah, he's right.
Life stinks!
What is going on here?
Life stinks!
Give this man milligrams
of dorazine immediately!
-Five hundred?
-Yes. He needs it.
Life stinks.
Hey, that's my wheelchair.
l need this for my patient.
Yo, buddy, help me get this guy
out of this chair.
-doc.
-Yes?
This man is delirious. Give him
milligrams of dorazine.
-Five hundred?
-He needs it.
dr. Kahahn,
this man has the dTs.
He'll be fine.
But just in case, give him
milligrams of dorazine.
-Five hundred, doctor?
-He needs it.
Yes, doctor.
Well, here's a new one.
What do we have here?
Have l given this patient
any penicillin or antibiotics?
no, doctor.
Then give him five hundred
milligrams of dorazine.
-Five hundred?
-Yes. l'm a doctor.
-l know what l'm doing.
-dr. Kahahn.
l'm coming! Am l the only doctor
in this hospital?
dr. Kahahn, funeral chapel,
line three one four.
dr. Kahahn! This patient
is cyanotic. He's turning blue.
This man's been overmedicated.
Take him to l.C.U. immediately.
Yes, doctor.
Give me a hand, please.
How does a thing
like this happen?
Pepto.
l know you want to give up,
but you're wrong.
Even without money,
life is good.
no? What about when
you didn't eat for two days...
and then you had your
first big meal at the mission?
Wasn't that good?
Remember the other night...
when we drank champagne
and danced...
and rolled around in rags?
l know they're only moments...
but that's all life is...
just a bunch of moments.
Most of them are lousy...
but once in a while,
you steal a good one.
Come on.
Come on back to me.
don't be such a selfish bastard.
You're the only person
l can stand.
don't leave me.
l love you.
Please, don't leave me.
Molly.
You're crying.
What happened?
Somebody die?
Somebody lived.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is
the greatest day of my life.
This is the moment l dreamed of
ever since l grew up...
on these poverty-ridden streets
as a poor, hungry child.
l'm all right.
Where else but in America...
could a poor, deprived boy from
this very same neighborhood...
return one day to destroy it?
lt's good to be alive!
There are so many things
you can't do when you're dead.
-Remember what you said?
-What?
What you said in the hospital.
What?
That you love me.
lt's words, just words.
''Love'' is just another word.
You meant it.
Let the demolition begin.
-nunzio!
-Yo!
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
to celebrate and cut the dust...
l salute you with the finest
champagne money can buy.
What's that?
Oh, man!
You should see them over there.
The big shots are having
a party in our neighborhood...
and we ain't invited.
l feel slighted.
l mean, they got all types
of food and champagne.
lt's so big,
they're putting it on TV.
Come on, Pepto. Hurry up.
We gotta find a new place
before the good ones are taken.
no! no more running!
They forced me
to live in the crap...
and now they want
to take the crap away? no!
What do you mean, ''no''?
Here's what l mean.
Stop!
Wait! Stop!
don't go! don't give up!
This is America!
Every person has a right
to have a place to live!
Come! Join me!
Let's fight for our rights!
Let's take our homes back!
Follow me!
Wait! There's a party
back there.
-Free food for everyone!
-And booze.
Stop! Wait! Listen to me!
Wait! Stop!
lf we run now,
we'll always be running.
lt's got to stop somewhere.
They've got TV news cameras
down there.
Let's show the world
what they're doing to us.
Come on!
The nicest neighborhood.
Shall we dance?
-do you come here often?
-Oh, my God!
l've never seen anything
like this before.
Hey! Just a minute!
How dare you break in like this!
Who do you people think you are?
Get out of here!
l'm talking to you.
Turn around, you idiot!
do you hear me?
Are you crazy?
do you know who l am?
do you have any idea
who you're dealing with?
You are in serious trouble,
my friend.
You are trespassing
on private property.
l can throw you in jail!
l can have you arrested!
You will lose
your voting privilege!
Have you ever been in jail?
-Mmm! Chicken!
-How dare you!
Oh, boy!
When my husband divorced me,
l thought my life was over.
lt's just beginning.
Hey, Willy, listen.
Gotcha.
...ceremony has erupted
into pandemonium.
As of yet, l'm not exactly sure
what's happening.
This is Fumes
reporting from downtown...
and l'll tell you
what's happening.
The rich and famous are having
a party in our neighborhood...
and we fucked it up.
Back to you.
ls this going out live?
Are we live? Oh, jeez!
My legs!
You've cut off my legs!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Look what l've done!
Get me a doctor!
Get me an ambulance!
Look what you've done!
Look at my legs!
Stay right here!
l'll be right back.
This party has disintegrated
into utter chaos.
There are bums eating
pate de foie gras.
My God!
That's Goddard Bolt!
He's not the only one who can
run one of those damn machines.
no comment.
Look!
We had a bet, remember?
Maybe this
will jar your memory!
Jarred! Jarred!
Yes, my memory is jarred!
Yes! Yes! l can remember.
lt's all coming back to me now.
You won the bet.
lt's all coming back to me.
You won the bet,
and l lost the bet...
and this is all yours
because l don't want this.
l'll be fine when l get down.
l'll be a gentleman.
Just let me down.
That was two weeks ago.
Today,
in an extraordinary decision...
Judge Reynolds
ruled from the bench...
in the Bolt vs. Crasswell
lawsuit...
and it was a day of
total victory for Goddard Bolt.
Bolt has announced
he intends to clean up...
the slum area he now owns
and allow it to remain...
for the homeless who live there.
He plans to build a large park,
no-cost housing...
and a new free medical
and counseling clinic...
for the destitute of the area.
And, believe it or not,
at this very moment...
Goddard Bolt is actually
marrying the bag lady...
he met while living
on the streets.
We don't know where
the wedding is taking place...
but with Goddard Bolt's
reputation for extravagance...
it must be at a very chic,
elegant, and exclusive location.
Too fast, you jackass!
-Thanks for standing up for me.
-l'll miss you, buddy.
Good-bye, everybody.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Stop!
Bye! Good luck, God bless!
Bye, children, and may the Lord
bless your union.
And have a wonderful honeymoon.
Hey, stop that!
What are you doing?
You may not know this, but these
cans are worth a lot of money.
Get in that car.
What do you think you're doing?
That's my car!
l paid good money for that car!
l must've left the keys
in there!
Hey, wait a minute! Stop!
What kind of a neighborhood
is this? There's no cop around!
Somebody call !
Quick! Hold it!
Hold it! Somebody stop him!
Where's a cop?
Where's my--
-Will you leave me alone?!
-lt's him!
Get out of my life!
l'll kill you!
He's crazy! That guy's crazy!
l'll get you!