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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Awwwright, awwwwright, awwwwwright, Torn Slatterns and Nugget RanchersIt was hot
today. I was sweating like White House spokesperson, Jay Carney, talking about
the IRS.

TMZ reports that
Kris Jenner and her daughter, Khloe Kardashian, were too drunk to film an
episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” That’s worse than too drunk to
fish. That’s too drunk to be an idiot.

The big cycling
race, The Amgen Tour of California, started today in San Diego. The first stage
was won by, oh, who cares? He is just
going to get caught using performance enhancing drugs and be disqualified.

On the last two
holes of the Players Championship, Sergio Garcia hit three balls in the water.
In fact, the only thing to ever have more balls in the water than Sergio was the Chinese women’s swim team.

Since
you asked:

Maybe
we need to cut Donald Trump, Kristen Stewart, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian a
wee bit of slack. (OK, who are you and what have you done with our buddy, Lex?)

Bear
with me.

Fame
must really be addicting. Look at the lengths that cesspool condensation in
human form, O.J. Simpson, goes to stay in the public eye. It is so needy and
pathetic it almost makes you feel sorry for O.J. minus that whole “He butchered
two innocent people” thing.

Tiger
Woods wins the Players. Yes, he is back and dickier than ever. What is with the PGA, and the broadcasters, insistence
of playing the Tiger-is-really-a-good-guy card? They do it with Vijay Singh
too. Vijay got caught cheating on his scorecard in Asia. He ripped off a
tournament promoter in Australia for several thousands. Now he is suing the PGA for cheating with deer antler spray.
Vijay is an a-hole. Say it.

Trust
me, I get it that golf promotes itself as a gentleman’s classy sport. But true
class is being honest even if it isn’t in the sport’s – or the broadcast’s –
best interest. Quite frankly, as Michael Jordan did before him, Tiger has
bullied the PGA to be afraid of him. Among his many negative traits, Tiger is a
vindictive bastard. When someone crosses Tiger, he makes them pay. (Which is
hypocritical knowing what a cheap bastard Tiger is)

Now
it turns out not only did Tiger lie about pulling out a club during Sergio
Garcia’s swing, he tried to throw a TPC Marshall under the bus to cover it up.
Tiger Woods is a carp-faced, flatulent little slimy weasel liar.

Afterwards Sergio said; "Tiger is not the nicest guy on the tour." Which, in polite golf-speak, essentially accused Tiger of being a serial killer.

But I still, for now, love watching Tiger play golf. However, the list of Tiger enemies is huge and growing. And not just people who Tiger used, fired and then threw under the bus, like his ex-caddies and swing coaches.

There
is no money in it for PGA players in publically hating Tiger Woods, in fact it is
probably financially detrimental. But Phil and Sergio and others gladly do it
anyway they hate him so much. Why doesn’t the PGA, CBS and the rest of the press just go ahead and
award the black hat to Tiger? It would be more honest and a lot more fun.

No
question golf is more fun when Tiger is winning. And he is winning again. Big.

As of
right now, the good news for golf is that Tiger is really fun to hate. What golf and CBS and the Golf Channel and
Nike and IMG need to stay awake at night worrying about is when Tiger crosses over from
fun to hate, to you hate him so much it isn’t any fun. Like Trump, Lance Armstrong and Paris Hilton. Then nobody watches.

As
of now we can still watch and admire Tiger despite knowing he is an incredible nasty little brat at age 37. One
more scandal, say with PED’s, and Tiger is toast.

By the way, is anyone buying the sincerity of Tiger's "relationship" with Lindsay Vonn. There hasn't been a union more phony since the movie studio found someone for Rock Hudson to marry. But without the gay-thing.

Lance
Armstrong went from fun to hate to no fun. (By the way, what is the
over-and-under on who will rat out Tiger for using Performance Enhancing Drugs?
When that happens, and it will, Tiger will shift from “Fun to hate” to “You
hate him so much it is no fun” immediately just like Lance, Ben Roethlisberger
and O.J.)

It
is painful to see how much the true legends of the golf world, Arnold Palmer
and Jack Nicklaus, have so tepidly accepted Tiger. The expressions on their
faces when confronted with Tiger are the same as someone who has just detected
a nasty fart.

No
less than sports-writing legends Rick Reilly and Dan Jenkins have gone public
with their hatred of Tiger Woods. How bad a guy is Tiger? In “ESPN” magazine,
Reilly reveals Tiger has a half-brother dying of M.S. and in severe financial difficulties Tiger flat out shuns. True, there may be two sides to this story, but, given his
track record, Tiger is probably wrong on both sides.

It
boils down to the fact Tiger is a dorky, foul-mouthed, low-class drunken scumbag
who lies and cheated on his wife, family and fans. How many Lance Armstrong’s,
Ben Roethlisberger’s and Kobe's and Tiger Woods’s will have to implode before Nike
realizes you can’t manipulate someone who is essentially a horrible person into
a beloved and honorable sports hero? These days of Twitter and Facebook and e-mails, the
truth comes out faster and faster.

In
the old days you could hide a selfish a-hole much better like Joe DiMaggio or
Willy Mays or Pete Rose or Mickey Mantle or Jim Brown.

Obviously
Nike thinks we are stupid. Or they think they are way smarter than us, not sure
which is worse. Nike thinks they can fool us into marketing athletes as upstanding
heroes who are actually horrible people. Sometimes it takes time, like with
Lance Armstrong, but we, the people, will figure out who the bad guys are.

So
go eff youself, Nike. Look at your boy, Kobe. The guy is suing his mother. You know, the woman who gave him life? Her.

Tiger
was, and always will be, a nerdy Bellflower/Cypress schmuck in tight shorts and
tube socks with taped-glasses and no friends named Eldrick who just happens to be a
great, great golfer. (And he really is
the greatest golfer, no question. But so what?)

Yes,
we all learned on the fateful Thanksgiving night, Tiger is not the nice guy
Nike and I.M.G. pedaled him to be. But he could still have a long, long way to
fall if he is as bad as some, namely Rick Reilly, say.

Despite
all of his great accomplishments in golf, Tiger Woods is a bullying loser, just like Donald
Trump, Lance Armstrong, Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh. You can’t hide a bullying
loser under a guise of a cool alpha male. The bullying loser will always emerge
as a hypocrite living a farce.