Christmas

All posts tagged Christmas

* originally published for the 2013 Holiday Horror Binge & Purge event on DECEMBER 29, 2013

I’ve completed my [Goodreads] ˙·٠•●♥ 2013 Reading Challenge ♥●•٠·˙– (ahead of schedule, and beyond my personal goal – go, me!) But, I’m still sitting here wishing I had read so much more! I need more time! More hours in the day, more days in the week… UGH! It’s so frustrating! I started reading titles from StrangeHouse Books in 2013, and I wish I could say that I’m ending this year all caught up, that I’ve devoured them all quicker than aCannibal in Fat Camp!::sigh:: That, however, is not the case. But, it gives me a goal for 2014!!

“This collection of 9 twisted tales of Christmas horror brings together weirdo literary talent from around the world, all with the sole purpose of turning the most sacred of holidays on its head, and making sweet, sweet love to its defenseless ear holes!”

“Join SHB ring leader Kevin Strange, as well as StrangeHouse anthology alumni Rich Bottles Jr., Jesse Wheeler, KM Tepe, and newcomers like Lindsey Goddard and MP Johnson on this sometimes magical, always fucked up journey to the north pole. We promise you’ll never look at Christmas the same way ever again!”

For last year’s‘HOLIDAY HORROR BINGE & PURGE’event, my main Holiday book to read, and review, wasA HACKED-UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE. (It turned out to be a book of all holidays, not just Christmas, but ‘Irreverent Merriment, Diabolical Debauchery, and Gory Good Times‘ were had by all!!)This year, I started earlier and got to fit in many more books from my holiday horror wish list. Two of this year’s reads are fighting for the top spot on my Happy List – A Very StrangeHouse Christmasis one of the two.

Kafka’s Run byBilly Tea: The Kafka’s are Gift Heads & they’re in the run. Gift Heads are a slave race to the fat man. Raised in prison camps, tended to by elves, and eventually beheaded when they reach maturity. Their severed gift-heads are offered as sacrifice to appease the tiny Earth Gods. Fantastic story.

Do Not Buyby MP Johnson: A ‘Tickle This’ kind of story! Quick, gross, and wonderful!

The Unlistedby Jesse Wheeler: YOU WANT NAUGHTY? You got it with this story! Sex, debauchery, violence, & more!

Image from the security camera in the Women’s Plus Size dressing rooms

Things in here had me cracking up (in between a gag, or a cringe) – one hilarious fact about these elves… they shit the cookie dough that Mrs. Claus bakes for Santa. When TSHTF, there’s a line about an elf who got so scared “he nearly nogged his pants”!! (It makes perfect sense that they pee egg nog, if they shit dough, right?!) WARM & FRESH!

Dear Santa Clausby K.M. Tepe:A letter to Santa from the Naughty K.M. Tepe – If I were the fat man, I’d make sure every item on that list was specially delivered with added bows made of cash…

Think twice before leaving me coal again, ya Prick!!

*Message for K.M. Tepe: Ever since I opened up my very first MySpace account, I’ve used the same line in the About Me section of practically every account – still using it today. After reading your bio in the back of this book, I just wanted to make a note of it just in case you see it yourself somewhere. There’s no “This town ain’t big enough fir the both of us” reasoning or mentality behind this note – It’s more like a brunch invitation! If you’re ever in Detroit, look me up… we can hang out in the alley behind Poetry Slam, guzzling coffee, and poking the corpse of Wino Willie!

Blood On The Highwayby Lindsey Goddard: The anguish of a mother’s loss is not bound by species. A woman, her husband, and his brother are driving through a terrible storm, on they’re way for what was supposed to be a relaxing holiday. This is a very good SS! I’m hoping that Lindsey sees this and can recommend a better pic – one that looks like the inside of her brain!

*This is an image that I found on a Google Image Search – It does not reflect the authors imagery in any way

Kathi the Sexy Elfby Rich Bottles Jr.: A department store Santa, who is following in his dad’s footprints as the jolly fat man for the same store, decides to do something remarkably sweet for his ‘Helper’ this year. The helper, Kathi, makes a very sexy elf, and she has some surprises of her own in store for Santa…I can’t wait to read some of the stories in Rich’s ‘humorrorotica‘ genre! Some links are provided at the bottom.

Christmas with the Familyby Jonathan Byrd:This one should be called“A FUCKED UP FAMILY CHRISTMAS”.Other Jonathan Byrd titles on Amazon include –BIG, The Jar, UNSHACKLED, and The Mommies Club. But, after reading this short, I’m not entirely convinced that it’s the same guy!! 🙂

The Witch who Fucked Christmasby Kevin Strange: This story is a tie in to one of Kev’s movies, but it stands alone just fine. Set in STRANGEVILLE, ILLINOIS, a worn out & broke down Santa is about to go head to head with The Hag of Horrors herself – Sasparilla, The Weed Witch. The victor will hold the bag that contains all the magic of Christmas. But, you can’t expect the Hag of Horrors to play fair… can you?Nixon and Hogan Smoke Christmas YouTube trailerHack Films / Kevin Strange on YouTube

I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsdayby Mike Lombardo: Save the best for last, Kev? Yeah. I’m going to get this review posted, then go slit my wrists. xxoo ♥

After Notes, Links, & Other Randomly Strange[House] Fun

I’ve been adding and updating this section since the original post, and I’m still not finished. I would like to include as much info as possible for each author that is/was involved with SHB while the books below were published. This section will eventually become a StrangeHouse Spotlight Page **If YOU are one of those authors, please – contact me! I’d like to post any info/links that you would like fans to know about!!***

Other Books from Rich Bottles Jr.‘LUMBERJACKED‘“[…] makes Deliverance look like a family raft trip down the Lower Gauley”‘Hellhole West Virginia‘“Eco-friendly vampires, beach-yearning zombies and sex-starved she-devils.”‘The Manacled‘“What happens when twin brothers lease out the former West Virginia State Penitentiary with the false purpose of filming a documentary on supernatural phenomena, but their true intention is to make a pornographic movie? Chaos ensues as the disturbed spirits of murdered convicts, along with the reanimated dead from the neighboring Indian Burial Mound, take their vengeance on the unwary and undressed trespassers. Zombies, ghosts, mobsters and porn collide in this bizarro tale from horror author Rich Bottles Jr.”*I HAVE TO GET THIS BOOK!* (Update – Rich sent me a copy of this, along with some awesome author swag! Thanks, Rich!!)

Check out ‘Gross-Out Author’ Jesse Wheeler’sDinner at the Vomitropolis –I have this, but haven’t had the nerve to start reading it yet.

Writer/Director/FX Artist and author of this book’s SS titled‘I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY‘– Mike “Dr.Chud” Lombardo just released‘THE STALL‘on DVD and it is ready to ship! It’s the story of a young pizza shop employee whi finds himself trapped in a public restroom during the Lovecraftian apocalypse. The DVD contains buckets of exclusive bloody extras that aren’t available on YouTube.

THE SMALL TOWN OF HULIS, MISSOURI HAS A KILLER CHRISTMAS SPIRIT…

… AND IT’S HIDING A KILLER SECRET.

In 1975 the small town of Hulis was ground zero in a frantic search for 10 year-old Merrie Frances Callahan, as well as an intense manhunt for her abductor.

35 years later, it seems the FBI would like to pretend it never happened.

Special Agent Constance Mandalay didn’t get that memo…

IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTERis based on the short teaser novellaMERRIE AXEMAS: A Killer Holiday Tale, (see below) but it tells the whole story of ten-year-old Merrie Frances Callahan’s 1975 abduction, and the present day murders that are somehow intricately linked to that event.

⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆5/5 Holiday Stars

I’ve been a Rowan Gant fan since I picked up my first copy of HARM NONE (I got it autographed, too – teehee), and I am so happy that SAConstance Mandalay got her own story! (soon-to-be-series 🙂 I can’t wait for Book 2: INTO THE LAKE OF FIRE!!). ITBM is going to impact the rest of the RGI Series for me. Constance was already growing on me, but I like her character much more now. Getting to go along with her on this investigation, and see how she handles the (I’m quoting Ben here…) “Twilight Zone” stuff without Rowan being there is eye-opening. I definitely see her a little differently, and have more respect for her. She has earned her place in The Ghoul Squad, haha! I would LOVE to see both Constance and Ben shake off their traditional beliefs and… well… a girl can dream. ♥ Blessed Be!

SA Constance Mandalay is assigned what appears to be a 7-year-old cold case that echos the events of the 35-year-old child abduction. Unfortunately for all involved, the case heats up for a short time each year with a brutal murder that appears eerily staged, and occurs under impossible circumstances.

Undaunted, she faces the task with no backup, a mysteriously redacted case file, and the inevitable murder fast approaching.

Mandalay’s experience as the ‘handler’ for an FBI occult/paranormal expert (Rowan Gant) makes her the perfect choice for this investigation. However, even her brushes with the unexplained still cannot prepare her for the answer she was not supposed to discover…

You can find In The Bleak Midwinter: A Special Agent Constance Mandalay Novel @

My autographed copy of HARM NONE can’t be replaced, so I was especially giddy when I saw that M. R. Sellars usesAuthorGraph! Now my ebooks are virtually signed 🙂 Stop by and get your new M. R. Sellars ebooks personalized, too!

Here are two new releases that I’m very excited about, and just bought them both…

William Malmborg’s Santa Took Them
feels like a Christmas-y version of HALLOWEEN – I can’t wait to read it. Here’s a quote from one Amazon reviewer – “Santa Took Them is a fun horror read for the season.”

Christmas Eve 2005. Eight year old Michelle Harper is the only survivor in a horrific massacre that has left her four siblings decapitated, and her mother slowly dying as her innards ooze out onto the second floor landing, the words SANTA TOOK THEM written in blood on the bedroom wall.

Ten years later, having been released from a psychiatric hospital for children, Michelle disappears, her uncle and his girlfriend found hacked to death with a knife before being decapitated, the words SANTA TOOK THEM once again written in blood on the wall.

Dr. Samantha Loomis had no plans for the holidays, and was hoping to spend the time simply relaxing in her home. That all changes when the police begin asking her questions about Michelle, questions that make it fairly clear that they believe her to be guilty of the recent slayings.

No one in Holly Brook, IL has forgotten the horror that unfolded on Christmas Eve all those years ago, and now, as a terrifying blizzard descends upon the small isolated town, and teens begin disappearing one by one, it looks as if that gruesome night was only the beginning.

Matt Shaw’s A Christmas Cackle: F*cked-Up Festive Shorts is from his Fucked Up Shorts collection – written mainly for KU subscribers, but still a steal at $.99! (IMO: All the books in the white cover series are worth owning!)

“These Christmas short stories are for hardcore horror fans.”

Christmas is a time for love and peace and…. oh, bollocks to that! Bah Humbug and all that! Give me Halloween over Christmas any time! Think of me as The Grinch! Think of me as Scrooge! Think of me as the miserable git who won’t be buying you a present this year because… Well…. You don’t deserve one and I am tighter than a duck’s arse! And – as for this book – think of this as short stories based around Christmas in typical Matt Shaw style. An ‘up yours’ to the festive period containing dark tales of horror and twists that you don’t see coming no matter how many Shaw books you have read.

Contained within this book:

The Night Before
Marley
The Snowman
Author Facts (based around Christmas no less)
Krampus

And the short story “This is HORROR” which introduces you to a key character coming in 2016…

PLEASE NOTE: There is VERY bad language in this book. If easily offended – do yourself a favour and sod off. This book isn’t for you.

‘Blood for the blood God.
Love, yes, we love God.
Take from us this gift of gore.
Keep the devil from our doors.’

This book contains two new twisted short stories for the holidays.

The title story, Season’s Bleedings, is Jacob Rayne’s version of how we came to follow certain traditions at Christmas – brightly decorated pine trees, gifts, and the man in the red suit with his magical sleigh.

In The Curse of Harry Land, a teacher knows that the best way to get kids to do something that you want them to do is to tell them not to do it. Miss Hopper warns her students to avoid the house of Harry Land this Halloween.

‘It’s Hallowe’en, time for a scare,
If you trickor treat you’d best beware,
Don’t knock on the door of Harry Land,
Or the devil will come and chop off your hand.’

Despite having taken the children and leaving him – his wife was coming over, with the kids, for Christmas Day. Not because she wanted to but, rather, a vague attempt of keeping things ‘normal’ for the children. What she doesn’t know, though, is that her new boyfriend is there too….. in pieces. Some of him wrapped up, ready for her to open, under the Christmas Tree and another, sizable, chunk of him slowly cooking in the oven – ready to be dished up with a good portion of roast potatoes.

Who knows – she may never discover the shocking truth of what her husband’s done either and, more importantly, what he wants to do; kill her and cut her head off so he can stick it on top of the Christmas Tree in place of the usual Angel…

YOU decide the outcome. YOU choose the story YOU want to read.

With seventeen premature endings, an ultimate ‘revenge’ ending and an ultimate ‘happy’ ending – there are numerous ways to shape this evolving story… just, for their sake, try and keep the kids out of harm’s way. This is between their parents. Keep it like that.

Similar to the old-style ‘choose your own adventure’ books, this is the first of it’s kind from Matt Shaw (‘Happy Ever After’ Trilogy and the ‘9 Months’ Trilogy). Each book segment ending with a series of sentences allowing you to choose how the characters progress within the story. Their fate is in your hands as you play God.

Re-live your childhood experiences of playing ‘interactive’ books but remember – this is NOT for children!!!!

*************************

I read this in 2012, and sadly… the original review was lost. It happens. BUT – I cannot let another Holiday Horror Binge and Purge event go by without including this twisted take on a family Christmas.

I’ve read this in every combination available to read. And, I think I did all of the in one day – I devoured them like candy, or crack. The most extreme ending made me crack up, so that tells you a little something about me. But, I laughed out loud – and got the “oh, look honey… she’s crazy” looks from old people passing by. WORTH IT.

A husband invites his ex & kids over for Christmas, but battles his inner demons about what to do once he gets them inside his flat. What he ultimately does in entirely up to you, the reader. And it will range from gross, to sick, to – oh what the Hell!?! Very user friendly links to help you along your journey into Matt’s world.

You get many different readings out of it, well worth the low low cost of $ .99!

Santa Claus is coming to town…at least, that was the plan, but now his elves have started going missing, kidnapped by some insidious figure in a black cloak, and despite the magic swirling about the place, the toys aren’t going to put themselves together. So begins a terrifying game of cat and mouse as Kris Kringle searches The Land of Christmas for his abducted minions, unaware that he is to play an integral part in his foe’s plans.

Krampus is pissed at Santa after lending him his snowblower and never getting it back. His punishment? To build a Human Santapede long enough to stretch around The Land of Christmas, and at its helm, the jolly fat man himself. Can Santa – aided by his best foreman, Finklefoot – get his elves back, defeat Krampus, and save Christmas before it is too late, or will Krampus succeed in creating the ghastliest single-file organism the North Pole has ever seen?

In the Land of Christmas, joy & laughter are spread like wildfire & chlamydia. Mrs. Claus is a ex-stripper, and a bitch-faced whore, who (in my mind) looks like a filthy, filthy Jessica Rabbit. Elves are missing, and Rudolph is nowhere to be seen. Someone is out to ruin the holiday this year, and Finklefoot is going to find out who it is!
Finklefoot isn’t about to save Christmas, or The Fat Bastard, for free. No sir. He, (and every other elf), wants a song written about him – one that will tell his story, and get stuck in the minds of humans everywhere for years to come.

Fun with intestines!

Will Finklefoot save Christmas, and get a Holiday Song of his very own, (like that slacker Rudolph)?

I’ve completed my [Goodreads] ˙·٠•●♥ 2013 Reading Challenge ♥●•٠·˙– (ahead of schedule, and beyond my personal goal – go, me!) But, I’m still sitting here wishing I had read so much more! I need more time! More hours in the day, more days in the week… UGH! It’s so frustrating! I started reading titles from StrangeHouse Books in 2013, and I wish I could say that I’m ending this year all caught up, that I’ve devoured them all quicker than aCannibal in Fat Camp!::sigh:: That, however, is not the case. But, it gives me a goal for 2014!!

“This collection of 9 twisted tales of Christmas horror brings together weirdo literary talent from around the world, all with the sole purpose of turning the most sacred of holidays on its head, and making sweet, sweet love to its defenseless ear holes!”

“Join SHB ring leader Kevin Strange, as well as StrangeHouse anthology alumni Rich Bottles Jr., Jesse Wheeler, KM Tepe, and newcomers like Lindsey Goddard and MP Johnson on this sometimes magical, always fucked up journey to the north pole. We promise you’ll never look at Christmas the same way ever again!”

For last year’s‘HOLIDAY HORROR BINGE & PURGE’event, my main Holiday book to read, and review, wasA HACKED-UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE. (It turned out to be a book of all holidays, not just Christmas, but ‘Irreverent Merriment, Diabolical Debauchery, and Gory Good Times‘ were had by all!!)This year, I started earlier and got to fit in many more books from my holiday horror wish list. Two of this year’s reads are fighting for the top spot on my Happy List – A Very StrangeHouse Christmasis one of the two.

Kafka’s Run byBilly Tea: The Kafka’s are Gift Heads & they’re in the run. Gift Heads are a slave race to the fat man. Raised in prison camps, tended to by elves, and eventually beheaded when they reach maturity. Their severed gift-heads are offered as sacrifice to appease the tiny Earth Gods. Fantastic story.

Do Not Buyby MP Johnson: A ‘Tickle This’ kind of story! Quick, gross, and wonderful!

The Unlistedby Jesse Wheeler: YOU WANT NAUGHTY? You got it with this story! Sex, debauchery, violence, & more!

Image from the security camera in the Women’s Plus Size dressing rooms

Things in here had me cracking up (in between a gag, or a cringe) – one hilarious fact about these elves… they shit the cookie dough that Mrs. Claus bakes for Santa. When TSHTF, there’s a line about an elf who got so scared “he nearly nogged his pants”!! (It makes perfect sense that they pee egg nog, if they shit dough, right?!) WARM & FRESH!

Dear Santa Clausby K.M. Tepe:A letter to Santa from the Naughty K.M. Tepe – If I were the fat man, I’d make sure every item on that list was specially delivered with added bows made of cash…

Think twice before leaving me coal again, ya Prick!!

*Message for K.M. Tepe: Ever since I opened up my very first MySpace account, I’ve used the same line in the About Me section of practically every account – still using it today. After reading your bio in the back of this book, I just wanted to make a note of it just in case you see it yourself somewhere. There’s no “This town ain’t big enough fir the both of us” reasoning or mentality behind this note – It’s more like a brunch invitation! If you’re ever in Detroit, look me up… we can hang out in the alley behind Poetry Slam, guzzling coffee, and poking the corpse of Wino Willie!

Blood On The Highwayby Lindsey Goddard: The anguish of a mother’s loss is not bound by species. A woman, her husband, and his brother are driving through a terrible storm, on they’re way for what was supposed to be a relaxing holiday. This is a very good SS! I’m hoping that Lindsey sees this and can recommend a better pic – one that looks like the inside of her brain!

*This is an image that I found on a Google Image Search – It does not reflect the authors imagery in any way

Kathi the Sexy Elfby Rich Bottles Jr.: A department store Santa, who is following in his dad’s footprints as the jolly fat man for the same store, decides to do something remarkably sweet for his ‘Helper’ this year. The helper, Kathi, makes a very sexy elf, and she has some surprises of her own in store for Santa…I can’t wait to read some of the stories in Rich’s ‘humorrorotica‘ genre! Some links are provided at the bottom.

Christmas with the Familyby Jonathan Byrd:This one should be called“A FUCKED UP FAMILY CHRISTMAS”.Other Jonathan Byrd titles on Amazon include –BIG, The Jar, UNSHACKLED, and The Mommies Club. But, after reading this short, I’m not entirely convinced that it’s the same guy!! 🙂

The Witch who Fucked Christmasby Kevin Strange: This story is a tie in to one of Kev’s movies, but it stands alone just fine. Set in STRANGEVILLE, ILLINOIS, a worn out & broke down Santa is about to go head to head with The Hag of Horrors herself – Sasparilla, The Weed Witch. The victor will hold the bag that contains all the magic of Christmas. But, you can’t expect the Hag of Horrors to play fair… can you?Nixon and Hogan Smoke Christmas YouTube trailerHack Films / Kevin Strange on YouTube

I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsdayby Mike Lombardo: Save the best for last, Kev? Yeah. I’m going to get this review posted, then go slit my wrists. xxoo ♥

After Notes, Links, & Other Randomly Strange[House] Fun

I’ve been adding and updating this section since the original post, and I’m still not finished. I would like to include as much info as possible for each author that is/was involved with SHB while the books below were published. This section will eventually become a StrangeHouse Spotlight Page **If YOU are one of those authors, please – contact me! I’d like to post any info/links that you would like fans to know about!!***

Other Books from Rich Bottles Jr.‘LUMBERJACKED‘“[…] makes Deliverance look like a family raft trip down the Lower Gauley”‘Hellhole West Virginia‘“Eco-friendly vampires, beach-yearning zombies and sex-starved she-devils.”‘The Manacled‘“What happens when twin brothers lease out the former West Virginia State Penitentiary with the false purpose of filming a documentary on supernatural phenomena, but their true intention is to make a pornographic movie? Chaos ensues as the disturbed spirits of murdered convicts, along with the reanimated dead from the neighboring Indian Burial Mound, take their vengeance on the unwary and undressed trespassers. Zombies, ghosts, mobsters and porn collide in this bizarro tale from horror author Rich Bottles Jr.”*I HAVE TO GET THIS BOOK!* (Update – Rich sent me a copy of this, along with some awesome author swag! Thanks, Rich!!)

Check out ‘Gross-Out Author’ Jesse Wheeler’sDinner at the Vomitropolis –I have this, but haven’t had the nerve to start reading it yet.

Writer/Director/FX Artist and author of this book’s SS titled‘I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY‘– Mike “Dr.Chud” Lombardo just released‘THE STALL‘on DVD and it is ready to ship! It’s the story of a young pizza shop employee whi finds himself trapped in a public restroom during the Lovecraftian apocalypse. The DVD contains buckets of exclusive bloody extras that aren’t available on YouTube.