Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Double Up

When your team is #1 for 7 days of your life, this is how you dress

You know, there are certain rules to life. Some people get it and some don't. Some mullet wearers look in the mirror and think "Hell yes I look good today!" Some tip well. Some sell arms to Nicaragua. We're all different, you and me, but in the end there are some unwritten laws that everyone should abide by. These rules are according to me, but it's not like these are big shockers to most of you reading this. Or perhaps they are. We (being my friends and I) have always felt that about 12% of society really gets it. The other half thinks they get it. In which group do you belong? By the end of this, you'll know. And if you don't, just ask us. We'll tell you. Now get on with it.

The Double Up. Why start here? In the immortal words of John Blutowski, "Why not?" First and foremost, in its most rudimentary and ground level, garden variety state, the double up is wearing the same team/school affiliation on your hat and on whatever you are wearing on your body. Shirt, sweatshirt, pullover, what-have-you. By the way, on a related note, the world can really be divided up into two catagories: Those who wear Starter jackets and those who don't. Anyway, the Double Up is your buddy heading out to the bar wearing a Packers hat and Packers sweatshirt. It's your cousin going to the mall in his Dodgers hat and his Jackie Robinson throwback jersey. It's your drunk uncle coming over for Thanksgiving and sporting his Islanders sweater and Islanders knit cap. Any and all of these are prime examples of The Double Up. You've done it. You might not have felt good about it, but you've done it. But, is it ever OK? Ahhhhhhh. There's the rub. And there's the grey area. The previous examples are when it is not OK. And let's not mince words here, it's usually not OK. But let me backtrack for a moment. It is really NEVER OK to Double Up. But there *might* be better times to Double Up than others. Let's examine. Here are three scenarios. Choose the one that is MOST likely a good time to pull the DU: 1. Ronald is heading to his favorite drinking establishment. Ronald lives in Morristown, New Jersey. He is a huge Knicks fan. His buddies pick him up and he's wearing his Knicks old school button up sports jacket and his Knicks baseball hat on backwards. The Knicks are not playing that night. 2. Shawon is going to his favorite bar to watch his beloved Mighty Ducks on TV. So are his buddies. He's been drinking all day and stops at home to get his Teemu Selanne jersey and his Ducks beanie cap. He lives in Anaheim and it's 86 degrees outside. Shawon is a high school drop out.3. William is going to the Cubs game. He claims to like the Sox and Cubs the same. William is wearing his Randy Myers jersey from 1995 and his Jody Davis signed hat from 1984 (he says it was signed by JD, but it is illegible, faded and not verifiable). He scalped his two extra tickets and is going with his girlfriend.

So, what do you think? Ronald, Shawon or William? At first glance, you may say Shawon because he's going to watch his team play at a bar and he LOVES the Ducks. William is a fence sittin' bandwagonner and Ronald is rolling with the Knicks on a night that they aren't even playing. Well, my friends, you would be wrong. The right answer is William. But I feel dirty about it. Rule #1 about the DU, is that the only time that it is legimately OK to wear matching team affiliation on your head and body is when you are going to watch YOUR team (must be verifiable by your buddies) play live. Home or away, it matters not. But let's just say that there is an extreme overboard addendum to wearing too much of your team when you see them play on the road. Do not fall into that trap. Flags, coozies, temporary tattoos, belt buckles or any other non hat/shirt combo on the road is too much. But if you said that WIlliam was the answer, you are a winner. For now. Keep reading.There is no technical rule for home decor. But let's just say that you *might* not meet that special someone.

To recap, rule #1 for the DU is this: If you're going to watch your (verifiable) team play live, it is OK to Double Up.

But there are traps. Beware. Think about our friend Shawon above. He went to the bar to support his Ducks. ONE piece of team apprarel is quite enough. Trust me. Trust us. Trust your insticts. When Shawon rolled in with his Selanne jersey and his knit cap, his credibility didn't even make it inside the bar with him. All he needed was the jersey. Or the cap. But not both.

So, why the double up. It's simple. Because people who DU want to be 100% absolutely without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt sure that everyone in the bar, the club, the grocery store, the pawn shop, knows that they are for (fill in team here). Not (that team's rival). It is pride. It is like carrying a badge. And it is an open invitation to all other supporters of (said team) to open conversation about (said team). But friends, it's too much. And unneccesary. Just one item will do the job. It will. If you're confused, go back to rule #1. And if you're questioning whether or not it's a good time to double up, and you feel that it might be outside of rule #1, it is. Don't be these people

But wait, there's more. What if you're wearing a Texas Longhorn hat and a burnt orange t-shirt from some bar in Austin. Now, nowhere on the t-shirt is anything about UT or the Horns. In fact, it says, "Queers or Steers Get Free Beers." But you're not fooling anyone. Burnt orange is the universal color for the University of Texas. The Horns hat combined with the shirt equals a double up. Don't do it (unless you're going to the Horns game AND you're a Horns fan or grad). What if you're wearing a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame sweatshirt and a Cleveland Indians hat. I think you know. It's a stretch, yes. But those in the know (and there's more out there than you think) will see right through you. (FYI: RNR Hall of Fame is IN Cleveland). Remember, if you question it, it's probably wrong. Below are a few more examples of how to violate the DU, but there are thousands of more combos out there:1. Tour De France yellow jersey replica and Lance Livestrong bracelet2. Tiger Woods Nike hat and any red polo. 3. Dale Sr. #3 hat and Dale Jr. #8 jacket.4. England scarf and Beckham jersey

Funny enough, wearing a real bear head does not violate any DU rules

You get it. As Robert Blake once said, "Don't do it." Or his song did. You know. Anyway, there are several subsections to the Double Up that I will cover very briefly. It is important to remember that the DU is not limited to the sports world. Here are some other ways to infringe and dance very close to the world of the Double Up. These are specific examples but it's up to you to interpret the greater meaning and messsage of each. I don't want to have to spell it out for you.* Do not wear your Tigger sweatshirt while you are still at Disney. Or in Orlando. Or even in Florida, for that matter. Once you're back and out at the mall in Peoria, you can wear it all day. And you'll have that "I got this at Disney last week" look on your face. But when you're there, pack it away right after you buy it. * Don't wear the Skynyrd tour shirt at the same concert where you bought it. If it's the 2008 tour, go ahead and wear your 99 tour shirt. And if you buy one at the 08 show, you can wear it at the 09 tour (but not anywhere on the 08 tour. Nowhere). NO TOUR SHIRTS PURCHASED THAT NIGHT. NONE (unless you cover it up with another shirt so you don't have to haul it around. The rules are at least reasonable).* If you bought it at an airport, do not wear it at the same airport.*North Face pullover and Northface anything on your head (unless it is strictly for weather protection). No Nautica/Nautica combos. Polo/Polo. And on and on and on. * Any two signed items. A hat signed by Garth Brooks and an unrelated shirt signed by Vince Vaughn that you got the night you were hammered in Chicago and he stood next to you at a bar. This may seem remote, but I'm trying to cover all bases here and help you out. Help you ALL out. *Do NOT wear any free Sports Illustrated stuff, on head or body, with ANY other sports affiliated teams. No ESPN combos. CNN/SI. You name it. No sports networks with sports teams. * Cammo and cammo. Never. Unless on you're on the way to shoot stuff. Or your name is Ted Nugent.

There are more. Many more. But hopefully you've become educated enough to make your own decisions. Again, if you have a shread of a doubt in your mind as to whether or not you are doubling you, most likely you are.

There is one exception to the double up and only one. Anyone who plays or played for (insert team here) can wear any and all of the team affiliated stuff they want. But what ex-athlete does that? None. But it would be kind of funny to see Scotty Wedman roll up in a Celtics cap and throwback Bird jersey.

5 comments:

What about socks? If I choose to wear my Spongebob underwear with my T, does this constitute as a rule violation? If others cannot see the "double" does it count?

Too much time on your hands, and by the way, Scotty "Rainbow" Wedman would not "DU" with a celtics cap and throwback Bird Jersey. He'd be sporting a Sam Lacy headband with an original '75 Otis Birdsong jersey.

Let's not forget the uber-bad DU of jean on jean. NO JEAN ON JEAN! It doesn't matter if the jean jacket is light colored and/or acid-washed (please don't have an acid-washed anything anywhere in your wardrobe unless the flux capacitor has taken you back to 1986 and we're all wearing banana clips with matching friendship pins on our shoelaces, creaming over Duran Duran) and your jeans are dark or of another tone. NO jean on jean. This is what is called a Canadian tuxedo. Never do this. Or be Canadian.