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YOU SAY WHO: SANDY EDITION

Lately, if you do not laugh, you will cry. Below, some funny, crazy and criminal stories as a result of Sandy’s visit…

– TWO WEEKS after Sandy, which area homeowner – with a wet basement and mess of a yard – asked a city official “When is FEMA going to come and clean up my house? This isn’t my fault, and I am not going to clean it up.”

– NAME this extra-sexy wholesome-looking girl, who sometimes dances for money: When she needed gas during the storm, she put her boobs to work by posting a Craigs List ad offering “photos of my hot D’s for gallons of gas… after you drop the gas off i wl hand u photo” What did her father think she was going to do, stand in line like everyone else? [more below]

Superstorm Sandy image on October 29, 2012, courtesy of NOAA

– ON A GOOD day, this heavily, heavily advertised large local plumbing and heating company overcharges and takes advantage of unsuspecting customers but now is in over-drive with what experts say is almost price gauging. A city source told TheBPlot the company recently charged an elderly lady “$3000 to change her shower valve. It was a simple job and should have cost maybe $400 – 500 max.” Post-Sandy, “a single, retirement-age lady came in and asked us if $52,000 was a reasonable price to change her air conditioning unit, water heater and furnace. For her house it should have cost less than half that. A legal aid-type attorney told the homeowner she had three days to cancel the contract and then the attorney asked us if [the company] could be charged with price gauging. The problem is every fee they charge is excessive so it would be a difficult case. So I am telling you to tell your readers that they need to use another company.”

There is no lower-than-low than a business that takes advantage of the elderly or unknowing. Another city official TheBPlot asked about this plumbing and heating company laughed and said, “Oh yeah. They advertise a great price to clean a clogged drain. It’s amazing that hundreds of clogs are cleaned every day by other guys but whenever [this company] shows up, its a crazy coincidence that they always find that the pipes need to be replaced. They will say the pipe is separated under your porch and you are contaminating the ground with a slow leak.” The stories from these highly knowledgeable experts go on and on. Customers beware!

– DURING a ‘Sandy Welcoming’ party, which guest was telling strangers about her “hostile vagina?”

– WHAT was the most common question from area people evacuated to Brisbane Hospital during Sandy? “Do you have condoms,” according to one Red Cross volunteer.

– WHOSE car was damaged by a fallen tree branch while the owner was hooking-up with a local, errr… friend? “He hasn’t called me back and I hope he is not blaming me for his messed up car,” said the friend.

– WHICH city official asked me to remind homeowners “Three years ago [the town] started a ‘Prune Don’t Plant’ initiative, begging homeowners to maintain the trees they have rather than plant new trees. We realize taking care of trees is expensive but we were asking for a reason. Now you see why – fallen trees and limbs were part of the week-long blackout. I hope people learned a lesson and cut down some of their trees but they won’t.”

– NAME the area health inspector that still has businesses waiting to get certifications to re-open after Sandy. “This job is his little pocket of power and he knows it. He is always nice to me but the business owners waiting for him are beyond frustrated right now.” The city needs to call in inspectors from other towns to get these businesses open today!

– AWKWARD moment post-Sandy when there were very few restaurants open: Which cousins bumped into each other at an area restaurant. The one mega-executive cougar was with her 15-years younger boy toy. The other cousin told TheBPlot, “It was so awkward. She knew I knew and we were both uncomfortable. She’s married with kids and works a lot so I am sure her husband has no idea… and I won’t be the one to spill the beans.”

– WHICH business owner was blessed that only one of his two businesses was severely impacted by the storm but still feels compelled to scam his insurance company? He instructed the manager of the severely impacted business to go to the open-and-happy business to “get more food purchase receipts to submit [to the insurance adjuster].” The manager told TheBPlot, “Once a criminal always one.”

– WHICH area intrepid reporter announced before Sandy that she is leaving her $65,000 / year (plus benefits) post for love? She reconnected with an old flame from decades ago on Facebook and is writing off her sources and stories. We will miss her and wish her the best always!

– NAME the ultra-hot yoga instructor who was out of commission for two weeks during the storm, however her addicted customers were begging her to organize some make-shift classes at their homes.

– SOME GOOD news came via carrier pigeon after Sandy – the amazing fish paintings by Asbury Park artist Pork Chop were chosen to be part of a satellite show during Art Basel in Miami in December. Huge, huge, huge and most of all well-deserved. Major congrats!

MISSED SANDY CONNECTIONS, posted during or immediately after the storm:

Men to Men

“Hey you were young with dark hair and eyes. It was Friday afternoon at the 711 in asbury near sunset lake. We made eye contact a few times. You were at the counter behind me. Tell me what I bought and what color my hair was. We also made eye contact in the parking lot as I was leaving. Hit me up I wanna make u… “

“You were a younger hot guy with glasses and tatts working the election. I’d love to vote again and again just to see you.”

“You massaged me this afternoon in Sea Girt before hurricane Sandy. You were bulky and had amazing muscles. I think you liked the reaction I was having to the massage. Tell me what injury I came in for.”

“Target security guard. You were working Monday night and you were getting ready for video game release when I saw you and saw you by the exit when i left. You are maybe mid to late 20s with dark hair. You are a very sexy guy and amazing in that uniform. Definitely had my attention. Interested in hangin out. Hit me up and let’s hang out”

Man to Woman

“Seriously, i cant believe it was called hurricane Sandy. Don’t you think thats an omen??? What are we supposed to do at this point? Its just too dangerous! I wish there was a way for us to communicate but i cant risk it, even though I want to.”

“You purchased me coffee at the drivethru window and I was unable to catch up to you. I would like to personally thank you.”

And finally, a “Rant and Rave” perspective from Craigs List about Sandy…

“I guess God has a Really big Issue on Snookie, Nasty little slut. How can God show that he is Mightier then a young women who got rich from her nasty crouch/ now Snooki at home with Lorenzo & Jionni, better turn over a new Run, God is Pissed off at them?”