The holiday season can be a wonderful time of festivities, but for those of us in chronic pain it can become impossibly demanding. However, if we decide to just stay home we may also be faced with feelings of loneliness and loss.

How can we find ways to participate enjoyably and not send our pain levels through the roof? Here’s a quick list of guidelines and reminders for navigating the holidays that I have found helpful to me in past years.

1. Learn to say no. If you’re in pain, this is not your year to take care of everyone. Say no (kindly but firmly) to planning, organizing, cooking, cleaning up and events that are more like obligations than joys and will wear you out. Be selective.

2. Rest often.Give yourself permission to rest even more than usual. Holidays can be fun, but they’re also stressful and taxing. Rest before you go out, rest while you’re out (take breaks from the group and find an unoccupied couch), rest when you return.

3. Ask for helpAsk more of others so you can attend gatherings without wearing yourself out. Ask others to do the organizing, driving, phone calling, gift and grocery shopping, decorating, prep work, cooking, and cleaning up, or at the very least help you with whatever you choose to do.

4. Give yourself a free pass Give yourself a free pass to say yes or no at the last minute. That means that you're going to respond with a firm "Maybe" when you're invited anywhere. It means that you can leave the decision about whether you're going or not right up to the moment you're heading out the door. And it means preparing others to accept that.

5. Let others know it’s not personalLet coworkers, friends, and family know that your need to not attend or to arrive late or disappear early is not about them. Ask for their understanding for the whole holiday season. Let them know that you really want to be able to be with them, but that you need to take care of yourself differently right now.

6. Let yourself be selfishWhen you're in pain, you need to be a little more selfish. It isn't doing you or anyone else any good if you wear yourself out and make your symptoms worse trying to do everything you used to do and go everywhere you used to go. Give to yourself this holiday season.

7. Leave guilt out of itDo what you need to do for yourself without guilt. This can be hard when you have traditional family, religious, or work obligations around the holidays because you may feel bad about not being able to join in all of them or participate fully. Remember, this is your time to allow others to do things for you.

8. Don’t leave yourself outWhile you’re deciding what you may or may not be able to do over the holidays, remember not to completely cut yourself off from friends and family because you’re in pain. Being with loved ones for special occasions can be one of the most joyful aspects of being alive. It’s usually better to attend a few special events even in a limited capacity and even if you have to bring pain along, than to cut yourself out of all of them. If you are bedridden, consider asking friends and family to bring one or more of your traditional events to you.

9. Find a holiday partnerAnd, finally, consider recruiting a holiday partner - a friend or family member who understands your situation and can drive you to functions, pick up the slack in terms of bringing extra food or making arrangements, and agree to leave early with you, when necessary and without question.

This holiday season give yourself the gift of saying yes only to those functions you will really enjoy, finding a holiday partner or two who will support you in the ways you need, and a guilt-free pass to say no when you need to so you can more fully enjoy the celebrations you do attend. Take care of yourself and savor the joys and celebrations you are able to share with others in whatever forms they may take.

Pain creates separation from the world of normal life. When it doesn’t leave, we feel submerged, as if we’re sinking into our own personal underworld of darkness and despair.

In world myths, the underworld is often depicted as the dwelling place of unhappy spirits and demons. In fact, in Greek mythology, the river leading to the underworld and is known as the “river of pain.”

In many stories the hero or heroine must make a tremendously dangerous and difficult journey there as part of their personal quest for wisdom or to regain something or someone lost.

The Place We Least Want to Go

The underworld is usually a dangerous place, full of enticements to linger too long and thereby be trapped forever. The hero must find the person or thing they seek while not succumbing to temptations to stray from the path. They must walk with single-minded focus and use all of their courage and fortitude to pass through the land of darkness and illusion. Often, they are required to leave something behind or offer a gift to the gods that dwell in the underworld before they are released or can find their way back home again.

Like the trials of heroes and heroines of myth, pain initiates us into our own underworld journey. It demands something (or many things) and does not release us from its grip easily. Everything that is familiar, dependable, and bright seems far away and there is very little to rely on along the journey.

Finding the way back is full of treacherous pitfalls, and we can easily get lost. Like the heroes and heroines of myth, we have to depend on our own source of inner courage, strength, and stubborn will to find our path through the darkness and out again. One thing is certain: there are no easy outs, and no short cuts.

We Become the Path Out

The challenge is in not falling into despair, not being tricked and mesmerized by the spirits of the underworld that try to lure us into staying there. These spirits represent victimization, self-pity, loss of hope, and despair.

We may think we are alone there because the underworld feels like such a desolate place and the journey can certainly seem very dark and foreboding. Nevertheless, in every underworld myth, there is always a way back, always a path through. There is a track to follow, a guiding spirit, or a river that flows through the underworld and out again. If we look around us, we can find signs that others have been there before us, leaving clues about how to find our way out again. They have left their writing, their art, their poems, and their music.

We may be tempted to sit down and give up, but we have to find a way to keep going. We may become discouraged because we think that our healing can’t start until we leave the underworld, but that’s an illusion. Pain is what brought us here, but our commitment to healing is what guides us through.

Healing doesn’t start only once we have left the darkness, it is, in fact, the path through. It is the path that others have left for us, and it is also the path we create by believing in ourselves and by taking step, and then another. Each step is not just along the path, it builds the path. In a way, we are the path out.

Disclaimer

Nothing on this website constitutes medical advice and is not intended to be a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. The reader should consult a physician in matters relating to his or her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.