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My poor, poor inner thighs are chafed from walking all over town yesterday in the hot hot heat. Clear sign that my fatness is getting in my way of a good time. The only thing that seems to help is taking the cookie I’m about to eat and rubbing it on my inner thighs before popping it in my mouth. I was out half the day with that friend of a friend who I wrote about yesterday. There is only one word to describe her: skank.

“Have you ever done drugs before?” This is what she asked me within an hour of meeting her. “Not really my scene,” I told her. Which is totally true. We were sitting in a window seat at this cute little cafe. Me feeling fat, her dressed like she had just come in from a run, and her “friend” who hadn’t been home since the night before and was nursing a terrible hangover. That’s when she announced to me that she had tried drugs for the first time the night before. I thought to myself, “ah, how cute, she smoked a joint for her first time.” That’s when she leans over to her “friend” from last night and asks, “what was it I had?” My jaw about hit the floor when I heard him say, “cocaine and MDMA.” Seriously? You’ve never tried drugs in your life and you go for that heavy shit? What the fuck is wrong with you??

Know what the really fucked up part was (as if that wasn’t fucked up enough), she got the drugs from complete strangers.

Um, really? You took drugs from strangers? Are you kidding me right now? Second, you’re now telling a complete stranger (me) about this? What the fuck is wrong with you? It was at that moment that I realized that she was a complete fucking idiot. Yes, I somewhat suspected it when she introduced me to her Aussie friend who had beautiful blue-green eyes and smelled like last night’s whiskey. And maybe my suspicious were heightened when she told me that they’d only slept an hour because they’d been out partying last night. But who am I to judge (other than the world’s judge-iest of judgers)? Young people today like to party. He was 24, she apparently had just turned 30. There’s a big fucking difference between 40 and 30 – and that lifestyle is just not for me.

So there she is telling me about her experience with drugs while I’m thinking “when can I leave.” When the dude went off to the bathroom she then announces to me that they made out the night before, they ended up naked together, and he had wanted to go down on her but she kept telling him no. You see, she had zero desire in hooking up with him, and had her period. But did she tell him? Nope. She just went ahead and kept making out with him. Whatever. Then she said, “it’s not like I even flirt with him, I don’t know why he thinks I’d hook up with him.”

Um, really? Maybe he thinks that because you took drug with strangers, took your clothes off and rubbed your buddy all over his, and then kept your hand on his thigh the entire time we were at lunch. I’m thinking that sends a pretty strong signal.

Instead of coming up with a really creative excuse, like I had just developed the bubonic plague or I had to get home in time to feed my pet koala, I agreed to drinks at a few rooftop bars. Why? Why did I agree to this? Mainly because I’m part idiot on my dad’s side. So off we go to a few bars, and at the second one she strikes up a conversation with a few dudes. Hot. These dudes were hot. Let me remind you that she hasn’t showered, probably is coated in the semen of the guy who we were with, and has only slept an hour. Know what ends up happening? We all end up at a table together.

About an hour in I ditched them to come home and hang out in my apartment, detox from her skankiness, and shower off the dirty. Later that night she messages me that she made out with a guy that she met that afternoon in front of the dude she hooked up with last night.

No fucking wonder that everyone in the world thinks American girls are stupid sluts.

Oh wow. Oh wow, this post is hilarious. I feel that the statement, “American girls are sluts” needs some kind of qualification. But I can’t stop laughing long enough to decide what it should be.
Part idiot on your dad’s side?!
This post is wonderful.