A SOULS JOURNEY

Month: September 2016

This weeks topic is a little uncomfortable to write about. Well that’s already bullshit, it’s actually a lot uncomfortable. I toyed with the idea in my mind about sharing and I came to the conclusion that this was the whole reason I started this journey. It was for myself to create a space in which I can grow, learn, express myself and put myself out there. Push through my fears. Regardless of outcomes. I’m being true to me. What I never imagined is how this has given me a reflective platform to healing myself. Because I write it all in one go, with little editing or revision, it is a pure and true insight into me. Raw as it gets.

So of late, I have been getting a lot of really sore throats and coughs. Yes, I am busy. Yes, I have two kids in daycare and school who bring home everything. Yes, I have been burning the candle at both ends, but to me I believe there is more to it. Why always my throat? Now I believe it’s because it correlates to some other massive breakthrough in my life.

Not too long ago, as I sat in my therapy session a topic came up. I had touched on it briefly a couple of times but due to the large amounts of other things I was dealing with in the last couple of years, it hasn’t taken centre stage. Until now.

I was a young teenager when I was sexually assaulted. Not on one occasion either. That was hard to write. At the time this was happening to me, I was also involved as a witness in a criminal trial for another sexual assault case. It was put to me and I was fearful, that I would weaken my friends case I was testifying for and also that no one would believe me. So I kept quiet. I said nothing, except to one girlfriend and then a random guy I broke down to when he attempted to take me home one night a year or so later.

So what did I do. It’s quite astounding actually, how our mind and body decides to cope. I had nowhere safe to go (or so I rationalised to myself) so I kept it all inside. I repressed it. I ignored it. I did drugs. I drank. I gave myself to people who didn’t respect me, the same way I didn’t respect myself. Because I blamed myself. Then I ran. I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran. I took off around Australia to try and escape my past.

But as we all know. You can’t escape it. This stuff follows you until you deal with it head on. So I came home after a while and preceded to fall into an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. And so the cycle continued. And this was all before my 19th bday. I had zero respect for me. Men I attracted had about as much. It affected my ability to understand what a healthy dynamic with a man was. I thought I was there for sex. I alone wasn’t enough to please someone. That sex is an added benefit to a beautiful bond between to people who love eachother.

As I am blessed, the universe offered me a reprieve when I met the father of my kids. I ran to him for safety. But the uneven dynamic still occurred as he was more of a father role than a lover. We were never really equals. Noones fault just the dynamic we created. I needed at that moment in time. He so did he for his own reasons. But the writing was on the wall. It all had to blow because I hadn’t dealt with my past. And blow it did. And two more unhealthy dynamics later, I am finally ready to look at it.

For anyone who has been through this. I applaud you. You are strong. You are brave. You are not alone. Yes the statistics are scary how common this complete abuse of trust and respect is carried out. And as like in my case often by someone you know.

In saying that, your unique experience and how you have chosen to deal with it and how it affects you, is your decision and journey. You are not a statistic. You are a beautiful soul who was put through an experience that caused you pain and hurt and fear. The physical scars generally heal. The emotional ones take time. Be gentle.

I have just learned the power of not giving myself. I am in a complete state of healing right now. My body is releasing in ways I am only beginning to understand. A while ago I was reading Heal Your Body – by Louise Hay. The theory behind how our emotions are often tied to the expression of where we manifest these emotions in our body really resonated with me. She offers the ailment, what it is possibly emotionally linked to, and then an affirmation to say to help neutralise the belief. The fact she treated herself of cancer also provides strong evidence.

Then I take the energy healing reiki course. Couple that with my Psychotherapist, My Consciousness Coaching and my Charkra balancing retreat and I’m getting the same information delivered to me in many different forms. So one would have to think there is something to this. The universe is basically smacking me on the head with it.

So the third Charkra, the throat Charkra, is not surprisingly the Charkra or energy centre of communication. Not just everyday conversing but also our self talk. If you remember at the beginning, I commented how my sicknesses lately have been insanely sore throats. Well when I connected this, it was a light bulb moment. I’m in no way shitting you, this directly correlated with my releasing this unsaid hurt of the past. Every time a release came. I would get a sore throat.

I am finally saying all the things I have needed to say for a really long time. And it is so freeing. I was sitting thinking how exhausting it is but really I need to embrace it. Let the pain lead me to the light like it has so many times before.

I can understand why all my beautiful guides and teachers have been rejoicing in my sharing of such a hurtful past. But I get it. It’s another couple of layers I am peeling back and bringing me closer to freedom.

I love my story. It has made me every little piece of who I am today. I don’t condone what happened to me. I also don’t hold anger. That would only feed my fear. But fuck I have to be so gentle with me right now. And I will be. I am holding that frightened girl and never letting go. Until she is ready.

I was instructed, every time I go into a situation where I would fall into my old ways and start to fall into my old belief system of men will only really want me for one thing, I need to put an imaginable belt over my sixth Charkra. The sexual Charkra. It is also one of the Charkras of intuition. The other being the Third Eye. But this also shows that when you are interrfeared with on a sexual dimension it can often lead to self doubt and lack of trust in your own abilities to judge a situation. I know for me I hands down doubted my intuition.

So when I was asked to close my eyes and imagine this belt, I described a shiny light gold belt made out of tin foil twisted or folded at the back to hold it together. It’s ok to laugh. I did. No wonder it was so bloody easy to pull off and charm me! So I was gently guided to imagine it more as a strong woven fabric with 5 double bra like hooks at the back that I was to imagine clipping together on the tightest hook. The width should cover the whole area of my sixth Charkra. Just an extra layer of protection for me while I learn to build my strength.

All I hope from sharing this, is that someone else will not feel alone. If it helps someone to talk and ask for help, I would be more than a little chuffed. Entirely for you. Talking and facing these memories is all I can do in order to deal with it and move on to a happier and healthier life. I just want it to be known your story is as equally important as anyone elses.

You are not to blame. You should not feel shame. You deserve to be happy and love yourself completely.

One of the trickier balancing acts of adulting in my opinion can be finances. And I don’t mean necessarily always having enough to cover the bills and live the lifestyle you desire. But it’s the whole concept. Are you working to live or living to work?

A common healthy lifestyle term thrown around these days is the phrase “work-life balance”. This happy state in which one exists whereby they are content with the trade-off for hours worked and hence money earned, with how much family or leisure time they receive. How many people though, feel they have this balance right? Now I would say just from talking to people in my world, it’s not too many. Not too many at all.

So lately, as I’ve been delving into this world of growth and change a new concept keeps arising. I mean I have listened to people mention it before but I guess now I am ready to hear it. So you ready…? What if you actually incorporated what you enjoy into what you do!?

I know, I know. It’s not mind blowing or a new school of thought. But for me, I don’t think I had ever got this until now. And it’s a huge element of why I feel my personal emotional, spiritual, mental and financial state are all now in the best shape of my life. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s always room for improvement but I can really see how this shift in mindset has reshaped my whole world.

I have always had an interesting relationship to money. I think I feared it. I grew up on a cattle farm and like many Australian farmers, life wasn’t a walk in the park. Money was often a big stress within the family and the culmination of old Mother Nature not playing ball and the nature of the industry, led to us losing the farm in my adolescence. Neither right nor wrong, from those experiences I learned many fears. In my mind money created instability, hurt my father and mothers self worth immensely and caused tension and at times jealously at what others had.

But life is funny like this. It presents opportunities for growth always. If you chose to see their worth.

So fast forward a number of years and I find myself in a relationship with the father of my children. He came from a very different experience and mindset. He and his family lived in ways and experienced things that I often hadn’t even dared to dream of. In my mind, that lifestyle, those experiences weren’t meant for me. It was an exciting new world of fancy dinners, overseas holidays, lovely material items and endless future opportunities. Honestly, I fell into it all quite quickly. It’s an easy place to get a quick fix of all the things you think you want. But I can honestly say, I learnt first hand how money does in no way on its own, make your soul happy.

Dont get me wrong. These people earned what they have. They are talented and work incredibly hard to live the way they do. They are good people. For me it was just so different to my experience thus far, that there were three major lessons I clearly needed to learn.

Lesson One: Don’t begrudge others for having things you don’t. I know we all like to think we’re nice as pie and would never do this, but if you’re really honest I bet you have at some point wanted something others have or wondered why they got it and you didn’t. What others have is theirs. Regardless of anything. Any spin you put on it. Silver spoon. Luck. Hard work. Talent. A combination of the above. However they got it, it’s theirs. And their success no way detracts from your ability to be successful. The financial success makes them no different from you. You are equally as worthy. There is plenty to go around.

Lesson Two: A good relationship with money is essential. If you don’t appreciate what you have, why would you attract any more? It’s really as easy as that. Louise Hay says bless your bills, for the respect given by the provider of the service to believe you are capable of paying them. Treat your money with respect and it will in turn do the same.

Lesson Three: Money is transitional. It comes and goes. It is replenishable. It does not define you, your abilities or your worth. You could sit there with millions of dollars but if you still don’t love yourself and love what you chose to do in your life everyday you are lucky enough to grace this earth, guess what!? You will not be happy.

This last one, I have been taking my own advice a lot lately. This weekend I took a reiki course. It was amazing. I always feel at my best when I can help others, spread love and show people they are connected. I never want anyone to feel alone in this world. So, I am gearing my career into fulfilling my core needs to feel at peace. And it makes all the sense in the world to me, even if I don’t make a lot of cents. But I honestly believe if you are true to you, the richness will come in many forms.

I wanted to leave this post today with a letter my dad sent me. He is a beautiful man. A good, strong, loyal, hardworking man who had a bloody tough experience when it came to money. I think for men, a lot of self worth is tied up in providing. It’s understandable. It’s a biological evolutionary driving force in their genetic make up. So when he sent me this, I don’t think there is a person better to highlight to me what is really important in this world. I hope it resonates with you too.

Is being single the worst thing in the world? This is what I have been questioning myself of late, over and over again. I flip between feeling sad and feeling great about it and essentially I realise it is not something you either can, or should for that matter, force. But there are times when it would be nice to have someone to share the moments with. To live with. Laugh with. Even someone to disagree with. Make love to. Spoon with. But most of all, someone to grow with.

So how ironic, that as I sat to write this and flicked on the TV for background noise, none other than Miss Bridget Jones herself was staring back at me. Let me tell you, the scene where she’s eating ice-cream and sobbing to “All By Myself” had me in awkwardly uncontrollable hysterics of laughter. Possibly too close to reality for me. In this laugh or cry moment, I chose laugh. To an outsider watching, I am sure it would’ve looked like I could turn at any moment. Another questionable sanity moment, brought to you by yours truly;)

But really, I am ok. I realise I am lucky. I have two amazing children, who keep me young and grounded and grateful for every day. I also get me time, where I am consciously learning a deep understanding of myself and why I do the things I do, on top of letting my hair down and enjoying life. So when I got the opportunity to partake in an extra PD course for Life Lessons and Soul Contracts, I jumped at the chance. Thank you again Eryka Stanton!

The basis of this weekend course was to determine our personality traits. It was stated and I believe that the particular traits that we take on are not just by chance or environmental. They are in fact part of our life plan to learn the lessons we are here to learn on the journey to enlightenment. Freedom. Acceptance. Being.

By establishing these traits we can determine exactly how and why we react the way we do to situations. What drives us. What upsets us. What triggers us. Angers us. Hurts us. Inspires us. It was described as a blue print to this lifetime. Exciting to say the least! And let me tell you, it did not disappoint. Some of the insights I got about myself were so deep, some a little unsettling, but so freeing.

So the basic run down is that every human being on the planet has 12 life long personality traits – archetypes – that help us to learn the life lessons we are here to learn. Other archetypes may come in and out in particular life stages or situations however they are temporary. Your 12 are for life. Every single human has 4 universal archetypes that are tied up with our basic needs for survival, on an energetic level. The Child, The Victim, The Prostitute and The Saboteur. The other 8 are encoded at birth. The list of these archetypes is extensive and as society changes, so does the list. It is more about what resonates with how you see yourself.

The key to this process is to take any strong opinions out of the picture. I mean who would necessarily claim the prostitute? Society would have you believe it generally as negative. But when you look into the archetype it is less about sex and more about trading in your values and morals in order to gain anything. Material or financial is usually where this is at. The level of fear that is behind the notion that if you do not sell that product, work for that company with questionable morals, conduct yourself in certain ways that don’t reflect your values and morals; these are all forms of prostitution. Well the negative side of prostitution. As everything in life there is a flip side. A light aspect to balance out the shadow. And that is how it was discussed. Every archetype has the ability to be expressed in either its light form or its shadow form. The light side to the Prostitute is having self worth, boundaries and integrity. Not surprisingly, when the shadow is being expressed – this in lies any of your life fears and pain, but is also where you will find the answer to gaining peace.

For instance through the process of finding my extra 8, I was blown away when “The Judge” kept coming up. This was not something that I wanted to take on. I always thought of myself as quite open, understanding and accepting. I had a strong negative emotional reaction to this archetype being attached to me as a person. In that moment, I completely forgot I had just learnt that the judge also has a light aspect to it. It seeks justice, standardisation and fairness across the board. It advocates for equality and seeks mediation and resolution. It is purely my perception that the judge is rigid, bossy and unwilling to listen to others points of view. And the kicker peeps, it is always when we project these things that it is a true reflection of self. So right there, it felt uncomfortable to hear about myself but a massive opportunity to learn and grow! And seriously, when you are completely real and honest with yourself it is the best feeling in the world. Pure acceptance of my true self. Carolyn Myss is where it is at for a great starting point in terms of literature on this topic if you want to have a read.

So after a while we got to talking about love and relationships. It was only myself and one other single girl in the room. It was explained that on that day when you decide to commit yourself to that other person, it is not just you and them but your 12 other friends and their 12 other friends deciding to love each other. And when you look at it like that, true love is just honestly quite phenomenal.

So I can’t force it. I can’t create it out of nothing. I have to trust what will be will be and it is exciting to think that my dream guy and his 12 friends are out their wondering where I and my 12 friends are too. But the best thing I can do now is to work on the notion of the law of attraction. Like seeks like. I attempt to not be sad I am ‘single’. It is an amazing opportunity for me to work at bringing all of my 12 friends into the light, so that when we attract someone new, the likeliness that they too will be in a place of light, is greatly increased. Don’t get me wrong, we’re all human. I don’t expect all sunshine and rainbows. I believe that like Shrek, all archetypes are like onions. They have multiple layers. But as you peel them back, they get smaller and easier to peel away. It still makes your eyes water, but it is definitely not for as long or as intense.

So if I want to attract what I really want than I will be what I think that amazing dream man will be. For I am looking for my equal. Someone to laugh with. Grow with. Enjoy life with. Ups, downs and all the in betweens.

So go tell your loved one you love them. And their 12 friends. Relationships never really get boring. Everyone has so many elements to them. There is always more to learn and a new layer of intimacy to be had. I hope if nothing else you leave this article and go to appreciate another layer of your love. Or of yourself.

This week I got intimate for the first time truly, with my inner child. Anyone who has done any personal development would probably have heard of this concept. The notion that within us lies our ‘inner child’ or our true self. Often it is seen that through life experiences we tend to conceal or hide our true self, ironically usually as a way to protect ourselves. Our perception of environmental circumstances and emotions, along with feedback from our parents, siblings and peers can make us believe we need to look, act, react, behave, feel differently than what we really do. So we feel uncomfortable about having to do or behave in ways that are not congruent with our inner child and we respond to situations or even create situations in which we can either over express or suppress these traits.

Essentially we lie to ourselves. BUT… It is bigger than just us isn’t it. There is a vast wide and full universe out there that has other ideas.

It is thought and I believe we are put on this earth with a contract or set of lessons that we need to learn or resolve in order to grow and evolve and share our true light and gifts with the world. This belief led me to that post on my Instagram feed a couple of days ago…

“Right now we are being given the experience we need to raise our consciousness” ~ Eckhart Tolle

This statement is so powerful to me. It allows you to dissociate from whatever is happening in your life right now. Forget the story. Honestly does playing it out and going over it over and over again help anyway? I don’t mean bottle it up. Definitely not. But the minute I learnt the ability to not take the situations that have pained me as personal, I became empowered. They weren’t personal attacks, they were necessary experiences in order for me to grow to the point in which I am now ready to love and nurture me. My inner child. Like that meme doing the rounds at the moment…

“UNFUCK YOURSELF…Be who you were before all that stuff happened that dulled your sparkle”

So how did I get in touch with that innocent part of me? Well it has been a long time coming. But came exactly when it was supposed to. I have done a lot of therapy, soul searching and PD over my life time but especially in the last two and a half years since my relationship breakdown with my childrens’ father. About three years ago I was blessed enough to attend a retreat in sunny Queensland, Australia called Gwinganna. A life changing experience indeed. I learnt about my personality traits from a horse (a story for another day), I completely unplugged for 4 whole days (except to text the kids once a day) I learnt about relationships, myself, nutrition and meditation; but the long term growth gift was meeting with my now Psychotherapist and Reiki Master, Linda. So I have been meeting once a month with Linda since that time and it is only just this week that I had done enough work on myself to allow her process to fully take shape.

Now don’t get me wrong. That doesn’t mean the rest of it was a waste of time. Obviously it is a process and every person will track along at the rate that is right for them. Every visit I would pick up something of value and as I slowly incorporated those exercises and ways of living into my life, the shift slowly unfolded to where I am now. Unfucking yourself is not a quick easy process. And its relative to the time and energy you put into all the past patterns and behaviours.

So when this unbelievably talented therapist says to me (and I don’t know how she knew this) ‘You used to wait at the window with anxiety for your dad to get home’, I nodded in disbelief. You see it was my perception that upon his arrival home I had to adjust my behaviour to suit the kind of day that he had had. It is the people pleaser in me. I wanted to make everyone in my family happy, proud, connected and I would do this by disassociating from whatever I felt at the time and behaving how I thought I should in that moment. I feared losing his love. It is nones fault. I place no blame. We were all doing our best with what we knew at the time. And we all definitely love each other. I know and feel that now but I did not feel it back then. So the perceived truth coloured my world in ways I turned into quite destructive patterns.

So she gets adult me to get up from my chair and go to the window to reenact the memory. Instantly, I dissolved. It was mind blowing. Ten seconds prior I had been sitting in my chair across the room, composed and seemingly fine. As soon as I got to the window, I reverted completely into the child version of me. The feeling that I had as a child in that moment. The intensity scared me for a second, until I heard her voice telling me to bring myself, and my little Michelle back to the chair to sit down. Once I had calmed myself a little she talked me through a beautiful breathing technique she uses that she herself had been taught at a Buddhist retreat in the Swiss Alps only weeks earlier.

Once I had regained control of my breathing and thoughts, she said to me that this is where my new growth journey lies. To go into that emotion with my inner child and to fall into acting it out, I am unable to soothe, work through, help and protect that inner innocent part of me. And she needs me to look after her now. I have rejected and neglected her for long enough.

So how do you do that? Well it is essentially simple. What would you do if you saw a child in that situation? If you saw a child upset, scared, hurt, anxious, nervous. What you you do for them to make them feel safe, heard, loved and worthy? Whatever your answer is to that question, is what you should do for you in a situation that elicits any of the fear based emotions. Exactly that.

We all seem to be so hard on ourselves these days. Trying to do too much, be everything and do it all perfectly. Well I say fuck that. Stop trying to be anything, and just be.

Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Nourish yourself. Acknowledge your fears and then look at how they hold you back. Then grab that inner child of yours in a big bear hug and don’t let go until they know you are reliable and will always have their best interests at heart.

We would never dream of harming an innocent child yet we do it to ourselves every day.

I do believe if we treated ourselves with the love we deserve all the outside stuff will iron itself out. As true love comes from within. From within we can shine bright across the world.