Emmy Nominations! Or "Why The Emmys Want to Make You Feel Pain"

Guys, the nominations for the 2013 Emmys were just announced! Get excited! This is the night that we get to watch, on TV, all the shows that we watch on TV get rewarded for their hard work ON TV. Not to mention all the pretty dresses. Does anybody else get embarrassingly excited to look at all the pretty dresses?

Here's the thing though: this year, the Emmys seem to have been designed to make you feel very intense feelings, because in nearly all the categories, they have impossibly loved actors and shows pitted against each other. Here, let's review the list, you'll see.

See, there you have Kevin Spacey against Bryan Cranston against Jon Hamm. NOT COOL. Which damaged character are we supposed to root for? What are we supposed to say when we imaginary hang out with the dudes who lose? "Sorry I didn't support you when you really needed me, sorry I cheered on your enemy, but can we still be friends?" WEAK.

Let's say Mandy Patinkin, because if he won, perhaps he could sing us all a beautiful song to soothe our weary hearts. But Aaron Paul is so adorable. And Peter Dinklage is so great, and this is definitely going to get harder before it gets easier.

Are they laughing at us? Are they trying to hurt us? Because with Christina Hendricks up against Maggie Smith, it's working.

OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES

The Big Bang TheoryGirlsLouieModern Family30 RockVeep

Now, see, here's where it's more like choosing which one of your children is your favorite. You've got "The Big Bang Theory," which is obviously your nerdy and insanely lovable kid, then "Girls," your hipster teenager, and "Louie," your super funny middle-aged kid, and then, of course, there's your kid with Tina Fey in it. What is a responsible parent to do?LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES

No force on this earth can make your girl right here choose between Jim Parsons and Jason Bateman. The heartbreak of this is almost enough to make us forget that Max Greenfield, the most hilarious actor on "New Girl," didn't get a nomination. Almost.

Much like the previous category, that inner turmoil you feel about only one lady winning this category -- Laura Dern vs Tina Fey, are we really doing this? -- isn't quite intense enough for you not to realize how insane it is that Melissa McCarthy isn't on this list, too.

We can all agree that "Modern Family" has the advantage here, but we should also be able to agree that Bill Hader deserves some recognition for bringing us so much joy over the years. Honestly, his "Stefon" character alone should win him this one.

Just give it to "Behind the Candelabra," maybe then Matt Damon and Michael Douglas can do something cute to take all this pain away.

OUTSTANDING HOST FOR A REALITY OR REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM

Ryan Seacrest, American IdolBetty White, Betty White's Off Their RockersTom Bergeron, Dancing With The StarsHeidi Klum, Tim Gunn, Project RunwayCat Deeley, So You Think You Can DanceAnthony Bourdain, The Taste

Finally, an easy one. Because if Betty White doesn't win, the people are going to riot.

OUTSTANDING REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM

The Amazing RaceDancing With The StarsProject RunwaySo You Think You Can DanceTop ChefThe Voice

Let's go with "The Voice" on this one, all right? Just so we can see Adam Levine douche all over the stage. The giggles will make all this so much easier.

OUTSTANDING VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES

The Colbert ReportThe Daily Show with John StewartJimmy Kimmel Live!Late Night With Jimmy FallonReal Time with Bill MaherSaturday Night Live

Ugh, thank goodness, another easy one. Well, easier, anyway. Because at least if Stephen Colbert wins this one like he deserves to, John Stewart will be happy for him.

There now, we're done. Let your poor hearts rest a while, and then let's get into spirited discussions about all these wonderful shows. See you in the comments, friends!

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