Who deserves to win at the Grammys?

We’ve pored over the awards that matter, so you don’t have to

Yesterday (November 28), the Grammys announced the nominations for their 2018 awards. Despite being one of the most pointless and self-congratulatory events in the music calendar, the Grammys are for some reason still seen to be A Big Deal, and this year’s nominations were full of Big Takeaways that Meant A Lot Of Things.

The chief talking point this year is the increased diversity of the artists up for big awards like Album of the Year. Last year, Adele scooped the top prize, and had to effectively apologise to Beyonce for winning it; this year, the Grammys have faced that criticism head on, nominating four non-white artists for the prize – the first time this has happened since 2005. Of course, this superficial gesture doesn’t exactly do much to address the deep-rooted racism of the music industry, nor is it particularly obvious why it matters whether or not a hoary old institution approves of Kendrick Lamar, but here we are.

There was also some interest in who wasn’t nominated. Artists you’d expect to be a shoe-in – sexless nerds like Ed Sheeran, your Katy Perrys and Miley Cyruses – were practically invisible. Meanwhile artists like A Tribe Called Quest who deserve at least a nod were absent, leading to a worthwhile intervention from Q-Tip: “Fuck da grammys!!!” (“We were the most black, cultured group out,” he later elaborated on Instagram. “That’s all we stood on. That’s what we represented, This last Tribe album, this stands with everyone else’s shit that’s up there. I don’t give a fuck.”)

Still, award ceremonies – and the way they directly pit artist against artist – are always a good excuse for music fans to argue about who deserves to win what. In that spirit, we’ve gone through the nominations (or at least the ones that matter to us – we’re never going to be an authority on classical or jazz music, and we have no idea who any of the rock bands nominated even are) to say who deserves to win. Disagree? Let us know.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR

This is obviously going to be contentious given that she’s the only white artist here, but Lorde should probably get this. DAMN. was a solidly great album, and Jay-Z released an album that was far better than any Jay-Z album in 2017 ought to be, but Melodrama is a literal masterpiece.

RECORD OF THE YEAR

Okay, so “Despacito” will probably win this because that is what the plebs want, but realistically the award belongs to “Redbone”. Not just because it’s a great track, but also because it’s responsible for one of the year’s most pointless memes. People questioned what “Redbone” would sound like if slowed down, leading to other great edits like “What Redbone would sound like while you're making out in the bathroom of a house party”, or what it would sound like if you were in the dining room of Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen. A song with real depth.

To be honest we’re not really sure what makes this category different to ‘Record of the Year’, but we’re assuming it’s got something to do with the songwriters themselves rather than the performer. To which we’d say: uhhh, “Despacito”?

NEW ARTIST

Who’s nominated?

Alessia CaraKhalidLil Uzi VertJulia MichaelsSZA

Who should win?

Okay, SZA is probably stretching the definition of ‘new’ here – we first wrote about her four years ago – but she’s the best of this actually very talented bunch. If we can’t pick her, then just flip a coin to pick between Lil Uzi Vert and Khalid.

POP VOCAL ALBUM

Lana Del Rey hasn’t actually been nominated for much this year, which is a shame because Lust For Life is great. Though it’s probably the best in this category, it isn’t necessarily Lana’s best output – we’re looking at the sad gal banger-filled Born to Die.

DANCE/ELECTRONIC ALBUM

As legendary as Kraftwerk are, we can’t really see why they’d need a Grammy at this point – so let’s give this one to Mura Masa, whose collaboration-packed debut album was a fun, adventurous, and a joy to listen to.

ROCK PERFORMANCE

Who’s nominated?

Leonard Cohen – You Want It DarkerChris Cornell – The PromiseFoo Fighters – RunKaleo – No GoodNothing More – Go to War

Who should win?

Neither Kaleo nor Nothing More have infiltrated our consciousness. For all we know they might be amazing, but, um, we doubt it. Either way, Leonard Cohen’s elegant goodbye deserves to win any category that it’s included in.

ALTERNATIVE MUSIC ALBUM

LCD Soundsystem’s un-retirement was the big story of American Dream, and it ended up overshadowing the actual musical achievement of the album. Which sucks, because it was an excellent album, and far better than This is Happening.

RAP PERFORMANCE

Cardi B and Offset face off on this one. We’ll never tire of hearing incessant ad libs and looking at Quavo, but we think Cardi B pips it – her iconic BET awards performance in front of a bodega backdrop in technicolour fur and a diamond bralette was sensational, and maybe we just want to hear another outrageously great acceptance speech.

RAP ALBUM

You can say all you want but DAMN. could and should have been better (of course it was still a decent try – you can’t knock out two ToPimp a Butterflys). The Migos-fication of rap can be irksome because there’s only so many ad libs one person can take before getting bored (woo woo). Tyler really pulled it out of the bag with his album. 4:44 was underrated. Can they all just get an award for taking part?

NEW AGE ALBUM

New age music has had a bit of a moment in the underground over the past few years, but that isn’t necessarily reflected in these nominations. We went to Brian Eno’s studio once and saw a row of Grammys hidden on top of a bookshelf gathering dust, so maybe he can add another one to that.

SPOKEN WORD ALBUM

Who’s nominated?

Neil deGrasse Tyson – Astrophysics for People in a HurryBruce Springsteen – Born to RunShelly Peiken – Confessions of a Serial SongwriterBernie Sanders and Mark Ruffalo – Our Revolution: A Future to Believe In (Bernie Sanders)Carrie Fisher – The Princess Diarist

Who should win?

Look, we’ve obviously not listened to any of these – we’re not psychopaths – but the idea of Bernie Sanders winning a Grammy is very entertaining, so it really has to be him (even if he’s up against Carrie Fisher – R.I.P.).

We normally would’ve deleted this category, but then we saw that the great Perfume Genius was nominated. We want him to win just so we can call No Shape ‘the Grammy® Award-winning No Shape’ from now on.