The Land of the Pimps and Hoes Part II: Corporate America Myths Debunked

For those of you not working in Corporate America or are trying to join this so called group of the “elite,” I’m about to blow your world apart! Some shit looks good from the outside looking in! Join me for another tour of the land of pimps and hoes! Welcome to my hood…here are some myths about the land of the pimps and hoes:

12. WE HAVE GREAT BATHROOM PRODUCTS! Most of the companies that I’ve worked for barely wanted to supply toilet paper! I’m guessing it’s a budget thing and some things just aren’t important. In general, they usually do not provide every day workers that good toilet paper you have at home. That’s right…they are rolling out the ONE PLY toilet tissue!!! According to Urban Dictionary’s website, ONE PLY toilet paper is described as: “Toilet paper which is just one sheet thick. This toilet paper is discounted and should be used at your own risk. Your fingers will frequently go through the toilet paper creating a mess that would not occur if you were not so stingy as to buy one ply in the first place.” Given that information…it’s no wonder I spend about 10 minutes of my entire work day fighting with the cheap ass toilet paper! I don’t know if you have ever been in a fight with one ply…but um…it will always win. Oh yea…don’t expect to continuously have toilet seat covers available to you! That’s right…sometimes the shit will hit the fan and you will be left…EXPOSED!

11. EVERYONE HAS A BOSS WHOM THEY MUST KISS THEIR ASS! No matter how high up the position…everyone has a boss! Even CEOs have to answer to board of directors! So pucker up and get ready to give a big kiss in between the cheeks😘 No one escapes having to kiss ass. Money makes the world go round and if you got to kiss ass to get the almighty dollar…you do so!

10. EVERYONE WHO WEARS A SUIT HAS AN IMPORTANT JOB! Do you remember my good friend,Willow, from my online dating blog? Well she’s one of the most hardest working women I know! Originally from Sierra Leon, Willow has worked in just about every industry in this country since she was a teenager. Like many of us…she’s had highs and lows in her career. Once she worked for Enterprise, the car rental company. Early Saturday mornings, Willow would be decked out in a suit…just to wipe down and clean cars! Yea you read that right…and she better not miss a spot on those cars! In the land of the pimps and hoes…even some cleaning jobs require nice attire!

9. WE GET PAID A LOT! I’m laughing so hard about this one because it’s one of the biggest myths in Corporate America! Remember those suits I mentioned in number 10? Suits are not cheap…well good suits aren’t. Most of the time, the average employee in the land of pimps and hoes can’t afford a good suit! Paychecks are low to begin with and by the time Uncle Sam (IRS) gets done taxing our asses…most of us would be lucky if we could afford a fleece at Old Navy! I typically save up to get two good quality suits and rotate them with different shirts along with purchasing some good quality slacks in order to keep up with the Joneses…also known as corporate culture! “It’s hard out there for a pimp,” in my Taraji P. Henson voice!

8. OUR DEGREES MAKE IT SO WE GET TREATED WITH RESPECT! In the land of the pimps and hoes…only money talks. You really need your degrees if you are a minority or if you are entering a field, like mine, that requires it. If you are white in America and have a lot of connections, you can go very far with little to no education but you have to be willing to learn quickly or at least fake like you know a lot in front of your boss. Connections and true networking will get you far. I’m black in America with very little connections so I had to come out guns blazing with many degrees🙌🏽! My degrees, however, do not determine the level of respect I receive. The more you rise in Corporate America, the more money you make, and the more power you have decides your level of respect!

7. ATTRACTIVENESS CAN ONLY RUIN YOUR REPUTATION AS A WOMAN IN CORPORATE AMERICA! Now let me be clear…I’ve never slept with nor given a blow job to ever advance my career. Hoes who do that make it bad for the rest of us. However, if you are a woman trying to climb the corporate ladder, you would be silly to think that only your mind matters to other men and here’s a surprise…other women! When you are attractive, smart, hardworking, and keep yourself up right….doors will open a little faster for you than your counter parts who look like Hillary Clinton! You better get your Condoleezza Rice on and don’t be afraid to tap into your inner Angela Bassett! Yasss honey🙌🏽 Now no one said bring your Beyoncé to work but studies have shown that in almost every area in life…good looks can take you far. Now that doesn’t mean it will keep you advancing unless you are one of those “sleep your way to the top hoes” I mentioned earlier. So take a Mama Michaels Charm School tip…learn how to walk in them heels properly and bring it in the board rooms. Willow and I could rule the world and just may…one day. She stays number one in her company because she is bright, hardworking, and crazy intelligent. But let me be honest…the fact that she’s built like a “brick house” probably doesn’t hurt either! It’s called marketing…not soliciting! Remember that!

6. WE ONLY WORK 40 HOUR WORK WEEKS! Ha! I typically work 50-70 hours a week since entering the land of pimps and hoes! Not to mention, I work on this blog during my three hour daily commute! Shit is real! We are tired and generally underpaid. I would love to get a dog but I’ve no time to take care of one and I live at my job!

5. NO ONE DOES DRUGS IN CORPORATE AMERICA! I’ve always been blessed enough to go to school and work with the privileged. Drugs are very prevalent amongst this group…granted more likely to be prescription drugs, an alcohol addiction, marijuana, and that Yayo (cocaine). Ever heard of “more money, more problems?” It’s a true thing. With all the stress and pressure of making money just to survive and then to thrive, folks are bound to crack. However, I do believe drug free is the way to be! Prayer is my drug of choice as I try to make a name for myself.

4. HIP HOP/URBAN CULTURE HAS NO PLACE IN CORPORATE AMERICA! Urban culture brings in billions of dollars in the land of pimps and hoes. As a matter a fact, after stocks and bonds, we rule it, in my humble opinion. Think of how much is invested in hip hop, how much black women spend in the hair industry, and how our fashion inspires the world🙌🏽 Sometimes we so busy trying to keep up with the Joneses that we forget we are the Joneses…it’s just that white culture exploits us. Also, every time one of us gets a degree and enters the board rooms of white America or even better yet…create our own board rooms…we are Biggie, Tupac, Jay Z, Queen Latifah, Niki Minaj, and Lil Kim entering those rooms🙌🏽 My music, my culture, and my history comes with me. Lots can be learned from some of our greatest artists and contrary to popular belief…it’s not all negative. And don’t forget…at the heart of hip hop is a true raw reality. That reality can rule the land of the pimps and hoes. If you don’t believe me…review Biggie’s “10 Crack Commandments.” If you break those rules down and take it out of the context of selling dope…you have some serious survival skills whether you are in the hood or corporate America. For example,

“Number four: know you heard this before Never get high, on your own supply”=never mix business with pleasure!

“Number five: never sell no crack where you rest at I don’t care if they want a ounce, tell em bounce”= don’t bring trouble to where you live. Your home is where you are the most vulnerable so protect it!

“Number six: that god damn credit, dead it You think a crackhead payin you back, shit forget it”= watch who you do business with and research your clientele!

“Seven: this rule is so underrated Keep your family and business completely seperated Money and blood don’t mix like two dicks and no bitch”=know where to draw the line between family and business.

3. CORPORATE AMERICA CARES ABOUT THEIR EMPLOYEES! Whenever someone would ask me what I did for a living, up until recently, I would say…I put tiny buttons on shirts! The land of the pimps and hoes can feel, at times, like a sweatshop! No matter how many degrees I have…I am replaceable. If for some reason I couldn’t work tomorrow or ever, someone else would be at my desk. Truthfully, if it’s not your own business…you are a number to corporate America. You are either an asset or a liability! Don’t think because we wear suits and work in fancy buildings that someone gives a fuck about our well being. We are on our own and it’s every man and woman for themselves.

2. THE HIGHER UP THE LADDER WE GO, WE INTERACT WITH MORE EDUCATED AND REASONABLE PEOPLE! “Unfortunately, the higher up you go, the more ignorance you actually have to combat.” ~my sister, Brenda. Your boss has a great chance of being a racist, a sexist, and just an overall complete dumb ass! Yes that’s right…he or she will probably be less educated than you but got the hook up from someone they knew or “they were born with a silver spoon in their mouth,” according to my sister, Brenda. These are the pimps…also known as the sweat shop owners.

1. WE FEEL FULFILLED WORKING IN CORPORATE AMERICA! In the land of pimps and hoes, they steal, rape, and cheat to get what they want. They kill dreams and build nightmares on top of dead bodies (literally and figuratively). You may come in an innocent and leave out the devil. Souls are exchanged everyday just like in the stock exchange. Truth be told, most of us, at one time or another, will have to either work for or accept business from some person or company that represents the epitome of the land of pimps and hoes. We may even decide to become a pimp. At first, we justify it by saying we are doing it to survive but soon we find out that we sold our souls to the devil! Every day is a struggle for your check and your dignity. Like they say “not everything that glitters is gold.” ~KJM dropping some serious knowledge on Temptation Tuesday. Shout out to my brother, Junior, and my sister, Brenda, for assisting me with numbers 4 and 2!

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Kingston Jael (JL) Michaels is an alias I am writing under. Kingston=my birth place of Kingston, Jamaica, Jael=my adopted niece's name...representing the next generation of Jamaican Americans, and Michaels=my father's name. If you know my real name, I ask that you NEVER use it on this page. Kingston Jael is a single, educated, and professional woman who graduated from the GREAT Pennsylvania State University! WE ARE! There is so much more to me but in order to separate my day job from this hobby, I am very careful not to reveal too much. *Disclaimer: Everything on this page is for entertainment purposes only. You will not receive legal nor financial advice here.* Now let's start this journey! ***In Loving Memory of Alice, Gloria, and my most recent angel, Michele Monique Johnson.