Archives: August 2015

Ashlee Simpson, the former Limited Too version of Avril Lavigne and current person with one too many Es in their first name who is married to Evan Ross, gave birth to her second baby a couple days ago. At the time, Michael K guessed that the name written on Baby Ross’ birth certificate was “Queens Rikki-Tikki Ross“, which was both 100% absurd and 100% totally plausible, because = Ashlee Simpson’s past history of naming children. And I’m pleased to announce that yes, Ashlee and Evan brought eight layers of baby name nonsense to their baby’s birth certificate.

UsWeekly says that Ashlee announced the name of Diana Ross’ newest grandbaby on Instagram yesterday. Wait, on Instagram? For free? Ashlee, girl, are you feeling OK? Ashlee and Evan must be huge Rolling Stones fans, because how else do you explain this:

Jagger Snow Ross. I…am not sure. For one thing, poor Jagger is in for a lifetime of “Jagger? I hardly know ‘er!” jokes. Secondly, that middle name is going to require a lot of explanation. Is it Snow because it snowing on the day she was born? No, because she was born in July. Is it Snow because Evan wanted to pay tribute to the man responsible for “Informer“? No, because that would be an instant trigger for neurologists everywhere to call up Ashlee Simpson and inform her that her husband has clearly lost his damn mind.

I’d say that I’m shocked to learn that things got even more dramatic after Bobbi Kristina Brown’s already very dramatic funeral, but…that would be a lie. And I’m far too bloated from all the cream-covered fruit fermenting in my stomach from yesterday’s National Raspberry Cream Pie Day festivities to be nothing less than totally honest with myself.

A “source” (Bobbi Kristina’s loudmouth aunt Leolah Brown, probably) tells TMZ that Bobby Brown’s wife Alicia Etheredge was rushed to the hospital after suffering a seizure shortly after Bobbi Kristina’s funeral in Atlanta yesterday. Alicia, who gave birth to Bobby’s baby less than a month ago, had just returned to her hotel when it happened. Alicia was taken to the hospital in an ambulance, and she was apparently able to walk when she arrived. TMZ says Bobby B was with her.

Speaking of Aunt Leolah, remember how she had to be escorted out of Bobbi Kristina’s funeral yesterday because she was acting the fool? Well, Bobbi Kristina’s cousin Meeta Brown would like you to know that Leolah Brown is “crazy.” Meeta talked to the paps after Bobbi Kristina’s funeral (you know, as one does) and spilled the T about Aunt Leolah. According to Meeta Brown’s repeated use of the word “crazy“, combined with her constantly rolling eyes and chronic “I can’t with her” face, Aunt Leolah is a mess. She also claimed that the Browns and the Houstons don’t hate each other. Yuh huh. Sure.

But back to Alicia Etheredge. It’s awful that she spent her post-funeral time in the hospital and not back in her hotel room eating snacks from the mini-fridge while watching a Flip or Flop marathon until she felt less sad (aka how I cheer up after a sad day). Especially for something as scary as a seizure. But I guess the silver lining here is that she no longer had to deal with Aunt Leolah. I don’t even know if they were staying in the same hotel, but it doesn’t matter; Aunt Leolah totally sounds like the type to find your room and bang on your door at 3am asking in a whispered yell if you have any extra towels.

Kids love sprinkles and I’m sure some of them snort lines of sprinkles in the darkened part of the cafeteria during lunchtime. Back in the 80s afterbirth of foolery known as the 90s, General Mills knew this and they put out Sprinkle Spangles cereal, which was star-shaped corn puffs that looked like they were spat on by a rainbow. They were covered in sprinkles. They looked like the herpes warts of a unicorn.

Sprinkle Spangles came out in the early 90s and General Mills went hard trying to push that shit by hiring the legendary Dom DeLuise to do the voice of the cereal’s mascot, a purple genie with a rainbow ponytail. The Sprinkle Genie was totally the Aladdin genie’s less-talented (but much hotter) third cousin who was assigned to make the breakfast wishes of brats come true, but he made the most of that shitty assignment by giving the world star-shaped, sprinkles-covered cereal!

Sprinkle Spangles cereal didn’t last long. It was discontinued in the late 90s. Who knows what became of the Sprinkle Genie. He probably became a back alley dealer and sells baggies full of sprinkles to hard-up children of the 90s who miss Sprinkle Spangles cereal.

I’ve been told that my sneezes could bring a trick out of a coma from 10,000 miles away and that my sneezes should come with a government warning. But my sneezes have absolutely nothing on the sneeze this little ball of white fluff from Louisiana sneezed out. Roux, who has an Instagram page because what Pomeranian doesn’t, was caught on camera blowing out a sneeze that is bigger than him. You know it’s going to be the kind of sneeze that’ll leave a mark on the walls, because he prepares by doing that pre-sneeze head bob and then he lets it blow.

So many times when you sneeze, you think to yourself, “All that build-up for that anti-climactic shit?” But that wasn’t one of those sneezes. Roux probably had a cigarette and a Calgon bath after that one.

Bobbi Kristina Brown’s funeral featured her aunt being forcibly removed for interrupting the eulogy and relatives acting to bar other relatives from taking pictures of Bobbi in her coffin. That’s nice. Wherever she is, Nippy is not amused.

Bobbi Kristina’s aunt Leolah Brown reportedly thought it was appropriate to rise during Bobbi’s other aunt Pat Houston’s speech and start screaming shit. This is not a wedding, Auntie Leolah. No one asked for your input.

An eyewitness tells TMZ, Pat Houston was getting ready to speak when Leolah began screaming, “Pat you know you are wrong for this!”

Security, with the help of Madea (Tyler Perry), escorted her ass out. Inappropriate Auntie Leolah was said to be upset over Pat Houston asking that condolences be sent to a specified charity instead of flowers.

In other “Hatfields and McCoys 2015″ news via TMZ, the messy Brown family was reportedly on high alert to prevent the messy Houston family from taking a pic of Bobbi in her casket and selling it. A picture of Bobbi’s mom, Whitney Houston, was taken and sold to a magazine in 2012. The Browns, who were not welcome at Whitney’s services, have assumed that it was the Houstons who were responsible.

If there’s one time people should shut the fuck up and put aside their shit (and their thirst for $$$), it’s someone’s funeral. Save it for Christmas. Save it for the christening. Save it for when my mom’s new boyfriend pulled up to our first time meeting him with his shirt open to his navel and finishing up a can of Bud. (That really happened.)

I feel like a complete imposter writing this post because if Michael K is anything, he is a dickpig of the highest order. He’s basically the Dickpig-In-Chief. Michael’s got wang on the brain all the live long day. So when a story comes up that contains so many references to dick…I just feel like he’s the only ho to do it justice. But alas, he takes his well-deserved weekends off. So you dick post fans are stuck with me. I’ll try my hardest. That was intentional.

Thor plays Ed Helms’ brother-in-law in the flick and he walks around in his underwear, bearing a massive cock outline. The writers/directors John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein say that the whole process of finding the proper fake dick was arduous. They had a stand-in model several dicks, and it made everyone uncomfortable. This is a movie where the family swims in shit, so that’s odd.

When they had narrowed it down to an 8-inch stunt schlong and a 10-inch stunt schlong, Thor was called in to model them. Uncomfortability (is that even a word) can get fucked, because I would be so in on that fitting. Here, Chris, let me help you adjust it.

If you also consider yourself a dickpig, follow the jump for more celebrity fake penis info and some screen caps of the false penis in question.

Do I have time to drive the hour and a half to visit my mom so she can give me a reassuring hug and tell me it’s going to be ok before I blog about this nasty mess? Maybe she can make a roast beef, too. That’s always comforting. The FBI have reportedly subpoenaed an affidavit containing texts between Jared Fogle and a former Subway franchise owner in which he claims to have paid a 16-year-old for sex. Even Tyga just made an appalled face.

According to Business Insider, the former franchise’s attorney is the one spilling the tea. Jared and the Subway owner were supposedly in a sexual relationship when they exchanged some really fucked-up sexts in the spring and summer of 2008.

Jared urged the anonymous woman in question to sell her ass on Craigslist for $500 a pop and to let him watch. Worse, he urged her to hook him up with her underaged (at the time) cousin.

St. Angie doesn’t dare breathe a word about Nay Nay jacking her leg game. Judge Theydidn’tgivehisname-ini made two mistakes in sentencing crazed supermodel Naomi Campbell to jail. Mistake the first is giving Naomi Campbell any sort of punishment in the first place. She’s a megalomaniacal rage person and he’s totally on her shit list now. That is a place you don’t want to be. Mistake the second happened when he gave her a suspended sentence! You’re gonna dare to interrupt Naomi’s glamorous life with some consequences and then not jail her crazy ass?

Famed anger management fail Campbell received a six-month suspended sentence for injuring paparazzo Gaetano Di Giovanni in August of 2009. Campbell and her then boyfriend Vladimir Doronin were sight-seeing on the Sicilian island of Lipari when Giovanni papped them. Fool! The snarly Nay Nay immediately hit him in the face with her handbag, and scratched his eye. Di Giovanni had to seek medical treatment and was out of work for three days.

“I had just started taking some shots of her and I did not expect such a violent reaction,” he said in 2013, after Campbell was ordered to stand trial in Italy, according to the Telegraph.

Did I already type “fool?” Di Giovanni had actually withdrawn the charges after their lawyers worked out an agreement. But the prosecutor went forward with the case anyway due to the “intensity of the crime.” They call that intense? Dude is lucky his eyeball wasn’t rolling in the street like a tumbleweed. She was obviously having an off day.

Campbell’s attorney has vowed to appeal the sentence. Do they have witness protection in Sicily? They must with Cosa Nostra and all, right? If not, the judge and the prosecutor better book some appointments for some major plastic surgery. And put their families in wigs. Nay Nay doesn’t forget and she sure as hell doesn’t forgive. Ask Cuba or that model with the eyebrows. A scratched eye ain’t shit compared to having a diamond-encrusted smartphone surgically removed from your anal cavity.

Check out more pics of Nasty Naomi Campbell arriving at a Vogue event in Paris last month in the gallery below.

If anyone was wondering why the beautiful and momentarily dickmatized Charlize Theron and desiccated anal gland Sean Penn broke up, here you go. TMZ reports that Imperator Furiosa adopted an African-American girl child from here in the States last month. She’s named the infant August. As far as asshole celebrity baby-names go, that’s not bad. It’s not Williamsburg Jacuzzi but it’s not Jennifer either. It’ll do. Is the baby named August because that’s when Charlize’s publicist broke the news? That’s kind of uninspired but hey, Charlize is probably really busy.

This is oddly concurrent with Penn looking for a day-old black baby for his movie. Do you think he had somehow used his hypno-peen to whammy her into adopting the type of baby he wanted just for a scene in his movie? And she finally broke his spell and busted out of his humidor crotch to save that impending adopted child? Or maybe she just realized pompous, angry, and naugahyde wasn’t the look for a dad.

Check out more pics of Charlize Theron looking incredibly thrilled to be papped while arriving at LAX yesterday in the gallery below.