Saturday, August 23, 2014

Man what’s a guy got to do to get a vacation in around here? George W. Bush went on vacation all the time and nothing ever happened, butt Big Guy can’t cut a break. Every time we try to get away, there’s fighting, aggression and rioting around the globe: Iraq, Ferguson, Gaza, Ferguson, Ukraine, Ferguson. Wait – what - Ukraine!? Again? I thought we had put that repartition behind us.

“Ukraine accused Russia of invasion today, after Vladimir Putin ordered a controversial aid convoy into the country because he could 'wait no longer'.”

Boy! That sounds familiar; I guess Putin’s got one of those ‘do-nothing Dumas” too.

Some dictators have pens and phones; I’ll stick with my AK-47

“Tensions in the six-month crisis rose to dangerous levels, as senior Ukrainian officials warned that an attack on the fleet of white trucks could be staged by pro-Russian militants to give a pretext for a full-scale Kremlin occupation of eastern regions of the country.

Such a development would trigger a full-scale war on the European Union's doorstep.”

I suppose now that NATO had to go and poke their nose into it, everyone will be expecting Barry to take precious time away from the family to condemn Russia for their aggressive behavior (behaviour?) as well.

“Nato last night issued a savage rebuke of the Russian move.”

For the record, a “savage rebuke” is one level above a harsh letter, which itself is one level above a stern reprimand – which is what Big Guy issued from the outskirts of the Farm Neck Golf Course to ISIS/L for beheading our journalist.

And for you haters out there who will be quick to condemn Big Guy for not doing enough - I don’t know what more he can do. He’s already unfriended Putin on Facebook and he’s no longer following his tweets.

And to be honest, on the presidential priority scale Russia is way towards the bottom. If you’re paying attention you will have noted that both sides of this fight are populated almost exclusively with people enjoying their white privilege.

So until further notice, we’ll be focusing our efforts where we’re most likely to effective: Ferguson, MO. As long as there are cops acting stupidly, we will continue to send in our hand picked racial arsonists to fan the flames.

AG Holder with the Reverend Melon Head – and no, that’s not a racial slur, just an observation

And the White House, as the crisis following Brown’s death seemed to flare out of control, worked extensively behind the scenes to maximize The Rev’s doing what he does, using him as both a source of information and a go-between. After huddling with Brown’s family and local community leaders, Sharpton connected directly with White House adviser and First Friend Valerie Jarrett, vacationing in her condo in the exclusive Oak Bluffs section of Martha’s Vineyard, not far from where President Obama and his family were staying. Obama was “horrified” by the images he was seeing on TV, Jarrett told Sharpton, and proceeded to pepper him with questions as she collected information for the president: How bad was the violence? Was it being fueled by outside groups—and could Sharpton do anything to talk them down? – Politico

Because when you need boots on the ground in one of the world’s hotspots, who ya’ gonna call? FBI? CIA? U.S. military? Or a disgraced race hustler who has dedicated his life to oration and community organizin’. I mean the Reverend, not Barry.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Naturally that version was quickly taken down and replaced with the new editor’s new version:

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve got it…Appalled…and continuing

Air Strikes.”

“Ok, air strikes. I’ve got it: E=Co2. Cue the carbon credits.”

So can we just stop all this GOP carping about Big Guy’s vacation? He’s working all the time. His schedule is the same whether on the Vineyards or back in Washington: golf, showboating (aka “photo ops”), golf, 5 hour gourmet dinners, concerts, parties - all disrupted intermittently by the real business of government: fundraising, statement reading, feigning interest/knowledge in some obscure domestic/international issue, or whipping up class/race resentment.

So like I said, I don’t know who jumped the shark here - is it the media:

Or is it the captain of our JV team, “Bam” Obama?

Another “air” strike! That’s 11 in a row! Even better than Jimmy Carter’s record!

I’d be appalled too, if I were Big Guy. And really, really mad. Cue the outrage.

Still workin’ on that sincerity thing.

Meanwhile, we can all try to work harder on “writing” our headlines. Remember, “write makes right.”

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Before I continue, I would just like to point out an important and widely recognized (unless you are a “Truther”) historical note: It was Bin Laden and his band of merry Islamic Fascists who started the “War on Terror” not George W. Bush.

The IFs have been fighting non-Muslims since the eleventh century and show no signs of abating of their own volition. The barbaric genocides, ethno-religious cleansings, wholesale massacres and gruesome video execution of journalists may not be sufficient to get Big Guy to go all-in, butt it does seem to be sufficient to end the Pax Romana. While Pope Francis has stopped short of declaring another Crusade, he has indicated that it is time to consider the use of force against ISIS and its new Caliphate.

All I have to say is “amen.” I’m all in with that. Boom, boom, ka-boom; bomb them back to the Paleolithic Age, and their little goats too.

Even world famous genius, physicist and pacifist – no, not Barack Hussein Obama – Albert Einstein, who came to regret his role in the building of the original atomic bomb has come around full circle:

I take that to mean he’s okay with a quantum portabella that will turn the Islamo-fascists and the holes they climb out of into portabella dust.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy) [sorry JLHan, Bakken Wag and UpNorthLurkin, butt you know how those Brits are]. Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. [so that part’s no different]

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. [or care]

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch ofnancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. [not to quibble with the Queen, butt technically we have no borders anymore] You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. [Note: tea trolley rules are waived for MOTUS’ posse, and may be stocked with more, um, adult accoutrements. Also, it may be open prior to 4 p.m. on special occasions, should you think of one.]

I knew it! I just knew that protocol breach of Lady M’s at Buckingham Palace was going to come back to bite us:

I just knew we were all going to have to pay for those egregious errours.

Oh, and one more thing: I just received a tracking number from UPS International; it seems her Majesty is sending the bust of Winston Churchill back to be reinstalled in the White House which will henceforth be known as “the Queen’s summer residence on the Potomac.”

God Save the Queen!

And if we can get rid of Obamacare, do you really care which Queen’s in residence?

Sunday, August 17, 2014

I got an email from the DNC yesterday and I totally misread the subject line: I thought it said “BBQ Barack.”

BBQ with Barack

Honestly, MOTUS, Labor Day weekend is always a lot of fun, but I can’t think of a better way to close out the summer than at a barbecue with Barack. He’s even been known to man the grill on occasion.

And while he and I may not always agree on the best way to build a burger, we both know how critical these next few weeks are going to be for Democrats across the country. Now is the time to make sure we have the resources we’ll need for a win in November.

MOTUS, will you chip in $3 to help us out — and to be automatically entered for the chance to fly out to meet Barack?

Thanks,

Joe

I thought they were planning one of those classic “Celebrity Roasts” butt I should have known that was wrong - Barry being as prickly and famously thin-skinned as he is.

It actually read: “BBQ With Barack” – they’re raffling off a chance to “man the grill” with Big Guy! So to speak.

Yum-mo! Look at that little black shriveled up piece of meat! (Is that racist?)

Umm, thanks Joe, for the invite, butt no. I’ll be in Detroit that weekend, marching in a Labor Day parade.

Units of the American Federation of Labor (Amalgamated Fighting Butchers Local 630) marching in the Detroit Labor Day Parade (1938).

Or something:

Detroit motorcycle police on Labor Day weekend 1954, preparing for the influx of holiday traffic. I sure hope they don’t act stupidly.

I tell you what though, I’ll send a crock of my homemade baked beans to pass around at the BBQ,

…and you guys can stick around tooting Big Guy’s horn all night long.

Hey, I’ve got an idea! How about a baked bean recipe throw down! I’m sure Barry and Bobby would approve.

Come on man, pay attention! You can’t just throw things on the fire and walk away!