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The Vagenda Guide To: Republican Candidates

Having trouble differentiating between four identical white male fascists? We show you how.

Being a citizen of the world, I thought I’d do some research on the fab four currently in the running for the Republican candidacy in America. Here’s the lowdown on the shit fondue of dumbasses hoping to knock Obama off the top spot.

Newt Gingrich

“The most serious, systematic revolutionary of modern times.” Well, according to his good self, anyway. The only thing Newty is revolutionising in me is the speed at which I just regurgitated my ham sandwich. Just in case you were getting all swoony over his Che Guevara-ness, he also said this about his first wife post-divorce:

“She isn’t young enough or pretty enough to be the President’s wife.”

Wow. LAD!

Newt did find time between cheating on his first two wives to pen a novel. It missed out on a Pullitzer- awkward. I leave you with an extract, please note the originality of characterisation:

“Suddenly the pouting sex kitten gave way to Diana the Huntress. She rolled onto him and somehow was sitting athwart his chest, her knees pinning his shoulders. ‘Tell me, or I will make you do terrible things.’”

‘Nuff said.

Ron Paul

Holocaust denier Ronnie is a real treat, he’s not too keen on non-whites, gay people or those with AIDS (if you’re black, gay, and suffering from AIDS, best go home now) , who appaz totes “enjoy the attention and pity that comes with being sick.” Yep.

Oh, and should you have the tenacity to be gay, he wants to pop you right back into a life of shame and persecution: “I miss the closet. Homosexuals, not to speak of the rest of society, were far better off when social pressure forced them to hide their activities.” Yeah, phwoar, you tell those gays Ron Paul!

But to be honest, someone who doesn’t believe in evolution is always going to be pretty fucking mental. He’s got this far purely because he wants to legalise pot, and I’m fervently hoping that he eats one too many space cakes and takes a running jump off the Empire State.

Mitt Romney

This is the guy who’s going to win the candidacy race, unless he gets caught with his pants down telling Larry the intern to call him ‘Mr President’ when he gives Mitt the Lewinsky once over.

Mitt (if that even is his name, which I doubt) is reassuringly not too fussed about poor people: “I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.” Oh good! Lucky poor people, they’ve got Uncle Mitt hobbling after them with a net to stop, one assumes, the poor people escaping and getting their dirty paw prints on Mitt’s nice new suit and doing a poo on the bonnet of one of his wife’s Cadillacs. Apparently she drives “a couple” of those. He’s really great at the whole ‘man of the people’ thing, our Mitt.

Rick Santorum

This is a whole new level of Rick Rolling.

“Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

I imagine the last time anybody tried to have sex with him he leapt onto the top of his wardrobe and emitted a high pitch squeal until they left the room. Up next, working mothers:

“What happened in America so that mothers and fathers who leave their children in the care of someone else […] find themselves more affirmed by society? Here, we can thank the influence of radical feminism.”

EMERGENCY STOP! Women are trying to be something other than baby incubators!

Wait, I can’t believe Newt wrote a novel… ugh. I know many people who are convinced his run for presidency is nothing more than in order to promote publicity/future memoir sales. It makes sense to me. I consistently get him, Glenn Beck, and Rush Limbaugh mixed up (old, white, asinine, conservative).

At least Ron Paul has always been a nutter– the rest of them are pretty much saying whatever will get them publicity/the chance of a nomination.