Green Wing (series 1)

Green Wing (2004 – 2007) is a British television comedy broadcast on Channel 4. The first series was transmitted between 3 September and 29 October 2004. The Comic Relief sketches were shown on 11 March 2005. It was nominated for, and received a number of awards. A DVD of the series was released on 3 April 2006, but did not include the comic relief sketches.

Mac: What can I tell you? A few ground rules - no bombing, no running, no petting, no diving and no inflatables. In fact, probably best to leave all swimming related activities until later - this is, after all, an operating theatre.

Guy: I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.

Mac: That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.

Caroline: Stop right there. Come back here.

Mac: Stop right there, come back here - which? I'm confused.

[Guy accidentally pushes too much air into a patient's chest during an operation]

Caroline: Aarrgh! I want nicotine! Then I’d like to meet a nice man and have a sexually charged, no-speaking affair.

[Sue comforts a crying Guy.]

Guy: Don’t be nice to me.

Sue: Oh, all right, pull yourself together you cretinous fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other people’s coats, rocking and whinging to themselves? I’ll tell you what sort of a man – a self-centred, egotistical wankpot! Now unhook yourself and stop being so weak. Men don’t cry. They’re strong hunter-gatherers. So go hunt, go gather, go be a total cunt, because that’s what you do best!

Guy: Fuck you, you ugly bitch! Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?

Guy: Suzy? Babe? [Puts on a bad Welsh accent.] Oh, hello. Oh, hello Frank. No, no, it’s Geoff. Yeah. No, I’m an old school friend of Suzy’s. I know she did, but I moved down when I was twelve. From... [Changes accent.] ...Derbyshire. Oh, do they? Which part? Which part? Which bit? Oh, I know I don’t, but because I’ve got a bit of a cold at the moment and I’m a bit sad…about…well, about my…hedgerows. Yeah. I’ve got to go now. I’ve got to go to the Vale. The Vale of Pewter. Near…Derby. OK, OK, bye. [Hangs up.] Think I got away with that.

Kim: ""There was a time I had not seen you, I don’t know how I coped. Now every day I want to watch you and help you with your [Pronounced phonetically] moped." "Help you with your moped?" What’s that?"

Harriet: "I tell you what you could do, Karen. In the second line: coped - copèd. "I know how not I copèd." No. A bit florid perhaps."

[Caroline and Mac talk to some students about medicine.]

Mac: "Any final thoughts, Dr. Todd?"

Caroline: "Don’t get ill. We make you all sleepy and do terrible things."

Mac: "Wise words indeed."

Guy: "Martin, what do you think of when I say the word, "Switzerland," to you?"

Martin: "I don’t know, you’ve never said it to me before."

Guy: "I’m saying it now. And don’t say Phil Collins lives there."

Martin: "Does he?"

Guy: "Shut your eyes, think of Switzerland – what do you see?"

Martin: [Eyes shut] "Nothing."

Guy: "You must see something!"

Martin: "I don’t have a visual memory, sorry."

Mac: "I see something. I see a chocolate Phil Collins coming out of a clock every hour, to tidy up his Nazi gold."

Caroline: "What are you wearing?"

Angela: "It’s called a white coat. It’s identical to the one you’re wearing, only a tiny bit whiter."

Joanna: Er, well, it's for a friend of mine who wishes to remain anonymous. Is that going to cause problems in your weird little technical brain?

Technician: No, it's just that usually we've got to go up on the roof and shout, "Pregnancy test results for the stupid lanky old bitch who's not learned to take basic precautions in her forty-odd years on this planet!" You know, assuming that your friend is quite lanky.

[Caroline tries to remember what happened at the party with Mac.]

Caroline: "First you say you don’t remember any kissing at all, and now you’re saying there was kissing in the toilet. Which one is it?"

Guy: [From the next room.] "Kissing in the toilet?"

Caroline: "Yes, er, who sang, "Kissing in the toilet?" in 1978?"

Guy: "Er, was it a young George Michael?"

Caroline: "Yes."

Guy: "Fucking hell! That was a guess!" [Sings] "Kissing in the toilet. Don’t flush, it’s lush."

Martin: "I know you pretend to be ashamed of me."

Joanna: "No, it’s quite genuine."

Martin: "Well, underneath I know you’re got some mother’s pride. And I don’t mean the bread."

Alan: "Precisely. Gamma rays, which produce images of – I’m having a baby – and can be expressed in numerical form. Tiny, pink, little baby. Moving on to diagnostic preferences in, let’s say soft-tissue trauma…Who’s the daddy? I think you’ll find that I am the daddy."

Caroline: "How was the, erm, interview?"

Mac: "Not sure. I might have used the words "job", "stick", "up", and "arse" all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?"

Caroline: "Well, I think tone of voice is very important."

Joanna: "You and me are not an item. Never have been, never will be. What have you got to say to that then, eh?"

Alan: "Yes, quite. Remarkable – all achieved in apparently under five minutes." [Alan hits Boyce under the chin with the point, knocking off the star and hurting him badly.] "Right, moving on to the third upper metatarsal…"

Teacher: "Now…Robbie. Is there any history of mental illness in the family?"

Harriet: "No."

Teacher: "Are you sure?"

Harriet: "Yeah, I think so."

Teacher: "You know about the penguin with the chainsaw?"

Harriet: "Yes. Oh, but every child has an imaginary friend."

Teacher: "Are there any major problems at home?"

Harriet: "Erm… He does like to eat bread straight from the freezer. "Bread lollies," he calls them. But we thought that was kind of sweet."

Martin: "No, look, it’s not about clothes, it’s about something more serious."

Caroline: "More serious than clothes? I don’t understand?"

[Mac commentates on Guy’s attempt to chat-up Joanna.]

Mac: "The hunter spots his prey. But there is a problem. The herd of tottie is sticking together, making it hard to target any one individual." [Joanna walks to the bar.] "He’s in luck. The herd has split, leaving one creature alone…"

Joanna: "Double vodka."

Mac: "…and vulnerable. She’s old, and weaker than the rest. This, surely, is his best chance."

Guy: "Fuck off!"

Mac: "The hunter will tolerate no interruption to his meticulous preparations. He waits, like a coiled spring, and then…he strikes."