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BREAKING: 13 Dead, 2 Critical In Yoga Studio ‘Gas Incident’

Emergency services are gathering at a Melbourne yoga studio to assess what is slowly emerging as one of the worst alternative health disasters this country has ever seen.

Early reports put the death toll at at least 13 people with several people listed in a pungent condition being taken by Uber to St Vincent’s Hospital.

John ‘Blue’ Healer, Chief Medical Officer for Ambulance Victoria spoke to media moments ago saying that “due to high levels of an unknown gas present, retrieval of bodies and attending to those still thought to be alive has been difficult”.

The ‘unknown gas’ is thought to consist largely of methane due to the piquant smell emanating from the mirrored hippy hall. Witnesses at the scene noticed that all windows and doors had been shut and locked, with staff members saying they thought something was wrong when the normally one hour ‘Bikram’ session turned into two, and then three hours with everyone appearing to be sleeping. They called an ambulance when they heard groans and what appeared to be long, loud ‘flatulent’ noises and realised the people in there were gassing themselves. “It’s like a steaming hot dutch oven of death”, one woman was heard screaming as paramedics tried to calm her with their own special gas.

Police have called in the hazardous materials unit, but are also concerned for their own officers welfare due to a well-attended Mexican-themed dinner held last night with the officers having to also breathe their own air in their Hazmat suits. They may send in a bomb disposal robot to open windows to allow the gas to clear and provide access to the waiting ambulance staff.

The area has been cordoned off with an overly large exclusion zone and naked flames banned from the entire area as police contemplate how to tackle this gaseous nightmare.