Emergency Plane Landing After Man Poops Everywhere

Just when headlines were getting a little too slaphappy covering the upcoming Survivors Convention known as The Golden Globes, a man has swooped in to save us all by smearing mounds of his own shit all over two bathroom lavatories on a plane heading from Chicago to Hong Kong – causing an emergency landing in Anchorage. I’ll have what he’s having. Tehehe. This is what happens when you eat Chipotle before getting on a plane. And sprinkle you burrito bowl with angel dust.

In addition to the passenger on United Airlines flight 895 “smearing feces everywhere,” as the Ted Stevens International Airport Police eloquently put it, the unidentified man also took off his shirt and tried to flush it down the toilet. Which must have been relatively clean since his poop was conveniently confined to the walls and floor. The man was taken to Province Hospital where he was diagnosed as having just finished all four seasons of Inside Amy Schumer on the plane. The poor fool didn’t stand a chance. No, he is still undergoing psychiatric evaluation, and better hope his stay outlasts that of his fellow grounded passengers before he gets on another flight. Because something tells me a run in with them will land him in even deeper shit.