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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The biggest battle of all is the one going on in my mind.
Last night the evil voice of temptation reared its ugly head up and told me to eat the cookie. I was already full but I didn't care. Multiple times I went back and forth, yes I will have it, no I won't.
I finally decided to go for it. I got to the cookie container... I went to open it and... *Insert dramatic suspense here* ... I stopped. I couldn't do it. I wanted to SO SO BAD, but I just couldn't. I thought about writing on here of how I had given in, then I thought about those reading it and how much of a disappointment I would be to them. So I decided I wouldn't do it and I would be able to write about how I won. So here I am, telling you that if I can do it, so can you. It was only a small step for me, but it was in the right direction.

Had the best dream last night. I dreamt about bones, I had bones and you could actually see them, even when I stood up. It was beautiful. I also dreamt about this hot guy from my friends birthday party.

Background info; There were so many thin, sexy girls there I was so jealous (I ranked myself second last on the scale of hotness of girls there), but then I found out (from the birthday girl) that she was on the phone to his best friend (a guy) days after and he told the birthday girl that the hot guy thought I was the hottest girl there. Ok, lets get one thing straight, this guy had pretty much slept with or gone out with at least half of the girls there and they kept flirting with him but he just blew them off, it was quite funny to see.

Back to the dream; So I dreamt that he kept flirting with me, then I was all like smiling and I went to walk away and he held me around my hips and pulled me back to him. And he was kinda surprised that I had these hip bones that stuck out, and a flat tummy (I was too). To much more detail to go into, just includes a lot of flirting and messing around.

Then I woke up to find this horrible reality. One day that dream will be my reality; me being beautiful with bones, and a hot guy by my side.

This mornings weight; 67.3 kg's (148.4). Not so bad but I feel like a yoyo this week, weight just keeps going up and down. We'll have to see what it is on monday.
For now I have to go do prep for tomorrows test (yes another one) and then write a 2000 word assignment due tuesday morning.

"Have the courage to act on your dreams. Leave behind you the internal forces that hold you back."

1200 calories max including drinks, feeling way too full so i'll reduce to 1100 from now on. Usually I can keep to under 1000 and I don't even try. Had subway for dinner and I love the cookies (as you can tell) but I over did it and now I can feel the price, so bloated.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Wouldn’t this world be happier and healthier without the unhealthy fast-food industry? Take McDonalds for example, hundreds of thousands of people stuff their mouths full of the fatty processed foods that McDonalds provide every day. Why? Because it’s fast, easy and affordable. And we wonder why the world now has obesity epidemics popping up everywhere. – FYI; Australia is now leading the world in its battle of the bulge.

I’ve only eaten McDonald’s once since the beginning of the new me. It was an ice-cream cone. I truly feel sorry for the children who’s parents take them to these places as a real meal substitute.

Yes, a cheeseburger once satisfied my appetite, and I used to get the occasional craving for them, but one day last year (after eating one to satisfy the burning desire inside) I felt horribly sick. I felt like there was fat dripping from the walls of my mouth, I could feel my cholesterol rise and my arteries start to clog, I wanted to be sick. I’ve never eaten it again. Every time I go past McDonald’s now I say to myself, they shouldn’t ask if you’d like fries with that, they should ask if you’d like some more THIGHS with that.

I am still stuck with these thunder thighs, junk in my massive trunk and bingo wings that would put a granny to shame. But one day that will change. For now my self-loathing is a positive motivator that brutally slaps me on the face every time I look in the mirror and says “HEY! You caused this, now you have to change it.” Or “Want some more of this? Then go eat that piece of cake, because at this rate you could go into hibernation and last for a good decade without withering away.”

I have finally found a forbidden food; McDonalds & Hungry Jacks (Aussie version of Burger King).

Internal agony. Yep, that's exactly how I feel right now. Pretty much sums it all up. The only thing that's helping me right now is writing on this blog and hurting myself. Physical pain makes the emotional pain go away. By the time I'm done I'm pretty sure blood will be spilled.
I've been trying to hold it in for a while now and just focus on my exam but now that that's over I can finally let it all out. My dad told me that's life and I just have to get over it, well this is what I have to say to him FUCK YOU. So much for parental support!

My day thus far;
- Weigh-in was extremely disappointing; 67.7kg's (149.3)- like seriously wtf happened? it was the cheese on last nights dinner I bet, first time I've had Cheddar cheese since January, and that desert from the other night... GRR.
-Breakfast; porridge with skim-milk and brown sugar
- Having trouble breathing (like in the getting sick kind of way)
- Mental Health Lecture
-Got hungry because I didn't get to finish my breakfast so I had a muesli bar.
- Skipped a different lecture to go revise, barely any done because my friends were fighting the whole time and I was switzerland
- Had salad for lunch
- Some more study; got really really hungry (usually a muesli bar and salad would last me until dinner) I honestly don't know why, but I felt like I hadn't eaten at all.
-Exam
-Came home and balled my eyes out after seeing documentation for my practical placement.
-Rung person in charge about this stupid problem to do with my practical placement for my university degree. It's very hard to explain in writing but basically everything is shit with that. Like not just shit, mega shit, so far up the shitter (toilet in australian slang) that I just can't even cope. Plus I'm partnered with a guy for it, MEN SHOULD NOT BE IN MY PROFESSION. I have very gender-specific views; I don't know where this came from because my parents do think like that. I've decide to ask him (when I meet him) why he doesn't decide to go into a manly profession because this job is for women.
- Balled my eyes out some more + physical pain
-And that brings us to now. I'm calming down now, but every time I think of it I start up again, like right now. FUCK! I'm so angry and upset and frustrated and pissed off and annoyed- thats just the tip of the iceberg and my life is the Titanic.
* Pause *
Random thought; I had this awesome mental rant last night, I just had to write it down, it was great, I'll have to post it.
*Play*
-tonights dinner; chinese restaurant with the parentals. I'm just going to eat. I'll have plenty of time to hate myself some more tomorrow.
-Now; movie 'Skyline' & coke zero

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Lunch; Breakfast went as planned. 20 sit-ups done so far, I'll do an extra 20 before dinner. I had a bit more at lunch then expected but I'm not really fussed because I know that this feeling of being full will last until dinner, and then at dinner I won't eat as much. No desert tonight thats the plan. should be studying for mondays exam right now but I am kind of over it. Parents have been fighting all morning *sigh* so I currently have earplugs in, i must look like a total dork. On the 26/feb I wore a pink dress to a birthday party because the original dress didn't fit, underneath it I wore like a slip which pulls in all the fat and smooths out the curves because the dress made me look a bit lumpy (sticking to the stomach fat). I am proud to say that I just tried on the dress (like 2 minutes ago) and I no longer need the slip to hide my stomach lumps and bumps :)

Fading }|{ Butterfly, thank you for being my first follower! (I think it's crazy that anyone would actually read my ramblings) and also thank you so much for your comments on my posts, they make me feel like I'm not alone in this battle. I know your a lot smaller than me so I can be your fat-spiration, you can look at me and see what you don't want to be. The website I use for weekly calorie intake is; http://www.healthyweightforum.org/eng/calculators/calories%2Drequired/ All you do is fill it out and it will tell you first of all if your goals are realistic (the numbers will be red if the goal is not realistic) and second it will show the week, calorie intake per day for that week, and the weight you should be if you follow the plan.

So I had my hair cut!! 17cm taken off!!
I feel like it's so short but everyone keeps telling me it's still very long. I really like it, it looks healthy and because of my fringe (bangs) it gives me a new look.
We went out for breakfast in the end, i thought it was only for a coffee (I don't drink coffee like I've said before but they have other stuff), I ate a fricken blueberry danish (300 calories), but it made me feel really sick after then I walked for 10 minutes to the hairdresser. Lunch; a pear (93) & 5x Philadelphia cheese with crackers (100) & Iced lemon tea (100). Dinner; oh you'll never guess in a million years what happened with dinner, we had friends over and.... had a barbecue (big shock- can you hear the sarcasm?), but I was to busy studying to snack, so dinner; piece of steak, salad, 1 egg, desert was the fricken killer; 300 calories!!!!! :(
All up like 1400? *Insert sad face here* Oh well, what's done is done, all I can do is try harder tomorrow. I'm only a failure if I give up. I'm going to re-do today, tomorrow. I am going to try to sleep in and then get up, do my sit-ups (I do 30 tomorrow to make up for these past few days), have my 250 calories (maximum) for breakfast, water until lunch, lunch; sandwich- grain bread, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, small amount of feta cheese & chicken. Water, Ice-tea & sugar free gum until dinner. Dinner; tuna mornay with brown basmati rice.
30 sit-ups also done today.

Oh and note to self; never leave two 11-year-olds alone in a bath room with candles! I just found wax everywhere!!!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Honestly I feel like crap. Crap. Crap Crap! ARGH the only day in the whole week I get to sleep in and it's destroyed by nightmares. Ended up waking up 3 times, then decided not to bother any more.
I think it's just going to be one of those days. I haven't done my sit-ups in 2 days. LAZY.
I want french toast and orange juice for breakfast. Yep all of it. But, the shops aren't open. OH MY.
Why do I even bother?? I don't feel any thinner, I know I said that I just wanted to stay 67.4kg's (148.6) this week but I want the number to be 65kg's (143) already. I think it will be another 2 months before that happens though. Oh and I'm getting my hair cut today. First time since last year (I only get it done once a year) and usually only a trim but today I'm getting a cut! and a fringe (I think Americans call it bangs?).
My hair is very very long, I might post some before/ afters but I don't know how to yet. Got so much study to do as well (exam on monday). Ok I'm going to go do my sit-ups (Army style, because that's actually how they are supposed to be done). Might post again after my hair cut in a few hours.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

That get together with a friend earlier today? well it turned into lunch instead. I didn't mind, it was great to spend time with her. I was so full after lunch that I ate nothing else, not even dinner.
My friend called me up and asked if we could go out for tea (dinner) I made up some lame excuse so I wouldn't have to go.
I know she sees right through me, but honestly I don't care. She sees through the lies but will never know why. She will be the one I have to watch. I'm isolating myself from her, it was purely by accident but I recognise why, she just doesn't understand. I have to be perfect. My body will be the way I want it.

For her it's ok if she is bigger, that's her choice, for me, fat is not an option. I'm sick of being a chubby ball of lard. I know she judges me because of my choice, but I'm doing it the healthy way.
She lives of the excuse 'I'm big boned'. What a load of bullshit. It's a lie, to cover up the laziness.
Harsh but true. Now I feel mean. Oh well, time for bed. Night.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I'm going to meet a family friend today for coffee (I don't drink coffee or tea so I have to find other options), and I've decided to eat a chocolate muffin if they have any. Why? Because I deserve it. But do I really? I'm nervous about eating a fricken muffin! How retarded. I'd never thought I'd care about what I ate. I'm doing well on the weight loss so far so I am going to treat myself. This weeks personal goal; 67.4 kg's. That's what I am this morning and that's what I want to stay for the week. If I loose some extra, then great! But I'm not fussed about loosing any. Or am I?
As you can see I have woken up on the wrong side of my brain this morning. I can't seem to make any concrete decisions. One thing I know for sure... I'm late for uni so g2g!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Dinner went ok. I did well I think. Still a lot of calories but I stopped myself before it got horrendous.
Pre-dinner Snacks; 100 calories? (Philadelphia sweet chilli cream cheese on crackers)---- these were the killer! they made me want to go back for moreee.
Dinner; lean steak no fat medium amount (my fist size), salad- 4 slices of tomato, cucumber, beetroot, half a bun roll, 1 mini honey soy chicken drum. 450?
Desert; 200g home made fruit salad, apparently 74 calories but I say about 90.
Drinks; coke zero.

The worst part is; if I could throw it all up, I would. I feel sick.
Confession; I had to hurt myself tonight to stop from going back for more. I don't have a problem or anything like that. I don't cut or burn or scratch. I use my nails and dig them into my skin until it hurts so much that I'm not hungry anymore. It's a diversion. It doesn't last long before I want more but I just do it again. The best part is, after its swollen up, and if I haven't gone over it too many times, then it goes away in an hour or two. I don't usually do it for food but I'm trying it out. Usually I only do it when I'm really really upset, but if it works with keeping me away from the extra food, them I'm all for it.
Going to bed full tonight. Wish I was going to bed empty.

I can't believe it's been 5 weeks already!!
Feeling ok today, this mornings weigh-in showed up at 67.5kg's (148.8). This is less then my personal goal weight for the week, but I still feel like it's not enough. I have this craving to be smaller and smaller so every time I see a number that's not what I want I get annoyed.
I get that it's going to take time. On the up side... people have started saying how thin I'm looking these days (especially my parents) and they're complementing me on eating right and all this stuff.
My parents bought me a present for no reason the other day. They gave it to me all wrapped up and everything. It's this book called 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne. It's all about positive thinking and stuff so I'm excited to start reading it.

Oh, by the way, this weeks actual goal weight was 68.73kg's.

I love my blog. Random I know, but seriously I it's this place where I can just vent and talk openly even if no one actually reads it. Most of the time it's just me talking to myself and I don't have to worry about being judged- by anyone other than myself- and I can' hurt anyones feelings. But best of all it give me something to look forward to.

I'm worried about tonight's dinner. We're having people over for a Barbecue, wow I just realised that I am really portraying the stereotypical Australian image, and we all know how the last one went.. i ended up hating myself for days after because I stuffed so many calories into my fat gob (aka my mouth). I'm trying to fill up on Coke Zero (no sugar) so I'm not as hungry, it seems to be working.

Prize/ motivation to reach my goal weight for June 6th which is 65.07kg's (143.5)= Mani/pedi :)

Friday, March 18, 2011

I am so damn tired! I feel like a fricken zombie this morning. It's saturday and i cant even sleep in!! I have fricken training to go to at uni, then I have a church thing on, I get to see all my friends that live ages away from me because they're coming up where I live to go to it. I've only just started (very slowly) practicing my religion again. I'm not as strict as I used to be, mainly because I'm a pretty chill person. I think I'll be a definite bridezilla though! My wedding is the one thing (other than my body) that has to be perfect I've been planning it for years.. now to find a man.. lol!

I can finally feel my clavicles, I have been able to for a while now but I just love to feel them because it makes me think I'm skinnier then I really am. This mornings weight; 67.6 kg's (149). *Sad face* Earlier this week I was 67.2. I know the exact weight because I have electronic scales. Have to go for now, I'll be back eventually.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Look it up on YouTube,most random music video ever.
For like 5 minutes yesterday I actually felt pretty. My hair was beautiful and wavy, it's really long and suits me, I was wearing a maxi dress and had barely any makeup on.
Today's weight; 68.1kg's. Personal goal forthe week is 79.9 so hopefully by Monday this will be my new weight.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Going to cut to the chase; 68.2 kg's this morning, thats 150.4 pounds
Feeling good. Goal weight for this week was; 69.07kg's. Personal target; 68.5.
Goal weights I have to meet each week, they are how I keep track of where I'm at in a larger scale (I have a list of weights for each monday until I get down to 60kg's. Personal goals are challenges I set myself for the week if I'm feeling good. I don't do this every week.
'The end result is worth the fight.' Girls I know are going on diets, I laugh because it won't last. You have to make a decision to change your life for ever, not just for a week or month or how ever long it will last, it's a fad. I'm not like them. I'm in this for the long hall.

It's also my Mum's birthday today. We went to lunch at an all you can eat buffet place at a casino. I didn't go to bad with that.. until it came to desert.. oh boy. Well I've almost completed my 50 sit-up but I'm going to add another 10 because of lunch. Feeling mega bloated right now, really worried about tomorrow's weigh-in as well. * Sigh *Will keep you posted.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Well all I have to say is; FUCK.
I'm not usually one for swearing but I just added up my calorie intake for today. I ha no fricken idea how bad it was. I had my friends over for a barbecue- worst mistake ever, I won't be doing that again- that was at least 700 calories alone, then adding on the fact that I went to Dome cafe today and had a chocolate frappe AND melting moment= there goes another 500 odd calories, then add lunch 120 calories and breakfast 180, I WANT TO DIE!
I am starting to see a pattern develop and I don't like it. Every time I do well, I subconsciously go and eat heaps of calories which makes me gain it all back on! Well now I know and its NOT going to happen again.
I feel like I want to vomit. Honestly if I didn't have an anti-gag reflex then I would be at that toilet seat right now throwing it all up, UNFORTUNATELY I can't force myself to throw up even if my life depended on it. Been there, tried that, its impossible for me to do, my body just doesn't want to do it.
I am not eating dinner tomorrow to make up for it, and no more deserts, including cake for my mum's birthday which is tomorrow (13th March), or soft drink- even the diet stuff(for at least a week). I am also going to do 50 sit-ups tomorrow and go for a 10 minute walk.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

My curiosity paid off... current weight.. 68.6kg's but.. I forgot to go to the toilet first so it might be a bit lower maybe 68.5? I'll find out tomorrow. Better not get prematurely excited at the thought of already reaching this weeks target.
I've been hanging out with my friends a lot more than I used to.
I didn't realise how much I was lacking in the social life department until I finally got one.
Random thought; I really like the harp. You know, as in the musical instrument.

Yes, that's right people. SPAM. How on earth do they get spam from canned ham? FYI- EWW!
How do people eat spam? It just looks so disgusting and not to mention processed.
Random topic or what haha. So I'm interested in seeing how much I weigh, so tomorrow I'm going to get on those darn scales an have a look.

One of my units is mental health, and the lecturers decide to linger on the fact that we will be discussing suicide and "non suicidal self harm" (what a load of BS!- bullshit).
I just happen to have this gash on my arm- it was from my cat ok- but I still felt like they were looking at me when they said it. Yes, I am normal and I've had the occasional suicidal thought once in a while- but that's the point, it's been a very long time. (I have NEVER acted on these.)
I am starting to actually like my life, and I ask myself 'Is this what I'm going to be like from now on?'
Is it? I hope life is good. I want a happy life. There are so many opportunities and possibilities! ok that sounded waaayy to optimistic. Anyway, the moral of this long and exhausting story is; I want to loose weight. I want to be happy. I want to get great grades and graduate. I want to travel and fall in love etc etc the endless cycle.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Once again I've been slacking on writing my posts, but uni first!
Anywho monday's weigh in showed no improvement still 68.8kg's (151.7 pounds).
Goal weight for this week; 69.4 (153)
Thoughts on this; well I guess its better than gaining weight.
Had a bad week last week but I'm hoping this week will be better.
Personal goal weight for 14th/3/2011 let's go for 68.5kg's (151).

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Yes I know, monday was yesterday and thats when I weighed myself, BUT I've been so darn busy that I haven't had a chance to get on here.
I also had a horrible weekend. The party on saturday? Well the dress still didn't fit and I was so devastated, I've never been one to over react about such things but I chucked the biggest hissyfit and said I wasn't going to go (20 minutes before it started). Well my friends being who they are decided to come and get me so I didn't have any excuse (during this time my mum is dressing me with another new dress I had and putting her jewellery on me).

My mum and I have a rocky relationship to say the least- more like no relationship. We aren't like most mother/daughters, but this year I'm trying because finally, she is. She can't do makeup or hair so I've taught myself.

Moving right on to the week 2 monday weigh-in... 68.8kg's (151.7). It's more than last week but the goal weight for this week was 69.73kg (153.7). So yes, I'm annoyed, but its better than not even reaching the target.
Uni (university) is making me hungry because I'm having to do more both physically and mentally, therefore I've decided I'm going to break my meals up instead of having 3 main meals, because it's just not enough.