I can't download photos from my camera which means I have to do one of two things -- either show you silly photos I thought were too lame for this blog or write something meaningful about my daughter's high school graduation.

That's right. You heard me. My daughter just graduated from high school. Don't worry. I'm taking it really well. That's not the case with some of my other friends with kids graduating.Wimps. They keep acting like it's some big deal. Me, however? I've got it under control. I mean, my daughter graduating? Whatevs. Sure, it only seems like yesterday when we took her home from the hospital bundled in a baby blanket....

Hey, have I showed you this ridiculous billboard I saw a few weeks ago?

And here she is now. All grown up and heading to college in 94 days -- or is it 93? I'm not sure because I'm not really counting -- and why should I? It's not as if our whole household dynamic will drastically change when she's gone. Yes, I'll be the only female and her bedroom will be empty of her but full of memories from years past...

Hey, have you seen my new alligator socks? They're pretty cool.

Pretty innocuous from the top but look out below...

GOTCHA!

Yep. I'm fine. Just fine. Like I said, her graduation is no big deal. No big deal at all. Did I mention when we started her college fund fifteen years ago I thought, "Dang! When we finally cash this in I'm going to be old."

Okay, I need another photo...Can't find one. I 'd better cut this post short before I start crying.

A little while back I took my youngest to the Putnam Museum in Davenport, Iowa to see the new science center. We had a blast doing a lot of silly cool things like taking silly pictures of ourselves using their thermal imaging camera. Man, I should have been a model...

This photo has been strategically cropped so you can't see my Jabba the Hutt quadruple chin.

But this post isn't about our shenanigans. It's about the visiting exhibit at the Putnam right now. Called ﻿CSI: The Experience﻿, it let's you solve three different crimes while learning about various CSI techniques. Think that sounds cool? It because it is. But I have to admit one of my favorite parts is the gift area at the end. It has a bunch of bloodylicious merchandise. In fact, it's so cool I'm going to share some of it with you now.

Did you know most murders involving butcher knives occur in bathrooms? You probably didn't because that fact is a lie -- at least I think it is. Maybe it's true but in this case I just made it up because I couldn't think of a proper segue. Perhaps I should have just said, "Here's some cool bloody bath merchandise," then start by showing you this:

How's this for a "hand" towel?

They had bloody shower curtains and bath mats, too...

Just gives you that welcoming, "come inside and refresh yourself" vibe. Doesn't it?

And what better way to bathe than with bloody shower gel for that fresh-as-a-daisy feeling.

Of course, it wasn't all about the bathroom. Take this adorable lunch box.

Plus this sticky note pad I just had to get.

I also bought some crime scene-inspired barricade tape to inspire me. You see, I've got a couple of projects that just can't seem to get done. Like that alcove I filled with stuff to take to Goodwill three months ago? Still there. EPIC FAIL.

Wow. Maybe I shouldn't have ended with that. Now I'm feeling kind of depressed. Okay, that's another lie. I'm pretty comfortable with my ineptitude/lazinesss. I just wrote that as another segue to end this post. Thought I needed one. Maybe I don't.

I am ready to blow my top. Why? Because I just watched The Lone Ranger, a movie I'd been itching to see since it came out last summer. Well, obviously I didn't itch enough to see it in the theater, despite my love for Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer. Blame it on the not so kind reviews. Still, it couldn't be that bad. Johnny and Armie blamed the critics for the movies demise. They said it was good. So when it showed up during a free HBO weekend, I taped it. Well, guess what? Johnny and Armie lied. It was a monstrosity of madness -- a feast of abject horror for the heart and mind. In other words, it sucked.I don't want to say too much lest I spoil it for people who haven't seen it yet. Wait. I actually do. I want to spoil so people who haven't seen it won't. Call it a mission to save people's precious time. The problems with the film are numerous. One of the final scenes epitomizes its ridiculousness. The Lone Ranger, desperate for rescue, stands blindfolded on a cart with his wrists tied together in front of him. Hmm. Now I'm no cunning stunt master, but I'm pretty sure I can remove a blindfold even though my hands are tied in front of me. But not this dolt -- and he is a dolt. Though he refuses to kill a vicious man who's slaughtered many based on principle, he sees no problem in leaving an innocent man buried in the dirt to die. And they play it off as comedy.Ha.

Okay, I'm done now. To keep you from falling in the same crappy movie trap that I did, I'm going to give you my favorite movie recommendations. Please note, not all are for kids. In fact, some are definitely not. Don't let the "Mom" of "Mom's Favorite Movies" fool you. Also, if you have any of your own, please let me know in the comments. I'd love to hear them.MOM'S FAVORITE MOVIESMind-blowing Masterpieces:The Matrix (1999) The Sixth Sense (1999) The Usual Suspects (1995)

Best General Action and/or Adventure: Die Hard (1988)Taken (2008)Dang, my favorites are mostly series. Here they are...The Terminator 1 (1984) and Terminator 2: Judgment Day(1991) Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), et al. The Hunger Games (2012)/Catching Fire (2013) Kill Bill Volume 1 & 2 (2003/2004) The Bourne Identity (2002)/The Bourne Supremacy (2004)/The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) Still need to see #4. Was kind of bummed when I heard Matt Damon wasn't in it, but also heard it was good. Django Unchained (2012) Not sure if it goes here but -- dang! -- what a great movie.

Coolest Comedies: Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987) Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974) Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988) Groundhog Day (1993) Trading Places (1983) 21 Jump Street (2012) Caddyshack (1980) Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) Hot Fuzz (2007) Wayne's World (1992)Comedies I Love but Would be Embarrassed to Watch with My Kids Even Though They're Teenagers: The Hangover (2009) This is the End (2013) Get Him to the Greek (2010) Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005) There's Something about Mary (1998) And those are my favorite films. If you watch one of them and thinks it sucks, you've got terrible taste. :) If you're still looking, I also have posts on The Funniest Christmas Movies Ever and The Top 10 Most Iconic Teen Movies from the 1980s.

Over the last few weeks I've realized signs can be very helpful. I found the first example while I was helping my son prepare for a boy scout camp out. He was in charge of the food, which meant he had to use the food tub. That's where I learned my first important lesson.

Did you know you shouldn't store babies in large plastic tubs with a lid? I didn't either. But, lo, the vision below spoke otherwise. I wonder if letting my kids sip Windex straight from the bottle had been a bad idea, too? I'll have to check.

Now all those past visits from Child Services are starting to make sense.

I also learned things from signs while visiitng Disney World with my family over Spring Break. Case in point: Despite Disney's cheerful atmosphere, the park frowns on overt partying. These signs were everywhere:

In all seriousness, I found little commercial sponsorship in the parks. Just look at this street scene below. It's a photo I took while strolling around Disney's Hollywood Studios. You have to look hard but, believe it or not, there's a corporate logo hidden in there. I'll give you a few minutes to find it.

Still haven't found it yet? Don't feel bad. It's hard. I'll give you another minute...

Okay, I'll stop teasing Disney. Truth be told, we had a FABULOUS time. It's one of our favorite places to vacation. We hit Universal Studios, too. It was our first time and we loved it though I had to take Dramamineto keep up with my "intense rides are cool!" 12 year-old son.So when we finally got home, my daughter and I decided to do something soothing to relax. We chose to put a puzzle together. She chose a hard one but, luckily, there was a great picture on the box to help us.

Or so we thought...

"Lost in a Jigsaw," indeed! Seriously, what kind of sick puzzle maker puts an incorrect picture on the box? At least they owned up to it with that warning. Like I said, signs are helpful!

While shopping in Target, I was reminded how we live in a new age full of science and technology. That caused me to wonder, do miracles still exist -- you know, the old-school kind? We don't hear about them much anymore.

Well, low and behold, something happened last weekend that re-ignited my faith. My husband actually got rid of The Shirt. You heard me. I'm serious. He really did! Okay, so actually he just committed himself to getting rid of it. Right now it's still in his dresser drawer. The Shirt is right below its replacement-- make that replacements. Yep. He got two. Not only did he buy a new Indiana University shirt but an IU sweatshirt, as well, I think I've been scammed. No, I know I've been scammed. Lucky for him, he got something for me, too:

Can you see it?It's the mother of God in all her glory on a piece of toast! That's right. Miracles DO still exist! Not only that, you can buy them at a novelty store near you. Unfortunately, there is one slight caveat. Just read the fine print at the bottom.﻿

Anyway, this whole miracle business made me realize it's been awhile since I've hung out with Action Figure Jesus. So I took him to the kitchen and decided to have a little fun playing Sink or Swim. I filled up a bowl of water and tossed him in -- at least that's what I tried to do. But he was on to me from the get-go. Serves me right. Another slam dunk for Action Figure Jesus -- or, rather, a slam no-dunk.

Now that's my kind of miracle. Thank you, Action Figure Jesus! Anyway, now I'm on the look out for miracles. Let me know if you find one.

My husband. God knows I love him but, dang! There might be a few things about him that drive me absolutely mad. Take the fact that he hates to get rid of anything. ANTYHING. What made me think of this now? I was folding the laundry and I came upon The Shirt.

Though there are others like it in Rick's drawer, I have to say The Shirt is the worst. What is The Shirt? A relic from our college days featuring none other than Indiana University's coaching legend, Bobby Knight. Bobby is know for leading IU to two national basketball championships -- one of which occurred when Rick and I were going there in 1987. Strangely, however, Bobby may be best known for his contribution to the Sports Hall of Shame: The chair throwing incident.

But I digress. This isn't about The Chair. This is about The Shirt. Rick loves The Shirt. In fact, he loves it so much he won't let it go even though it now looks like this:

FRONT - Notice ripped collar and stains on sleeve and along bottom

BACK: Notice HUGE tear along the upper back of the shirt. How can he still wear this?

Wait. That photo of the back doesn't quite capture the severity of the tear. To further prove my point, I have enlisted the help of my son's teddy bear, Jefferson, to model it for you.

(As you may be able to see, the photo shoot totally confused our cat. I have no idea why. Photographing a stuffed animal in a t-shirt is completely normal.)

See? Even Jefferson looks like he has been shamed into wearing The Shirt. Poor thing. It totally has to go.

But Rick refuses. "What if I got rid of other things of mine just because they've aged and are no longer as attractive as they once were?" he asks.

I had fully intended on writing a post for Valentine’s Day but missed the boat because I was getting ready for my own gift to my husband this year. You see, this Valentine's Day I agreed to go skiing with him IN THE UNBELIEVABLE COLD.

I'v got to say, by the end of the day my feet were frostier than Vladimir Putin’s gaze during the opening ceremony at the Olympics. Actually, it wasn’t that bad* even though, as you know, I have a horrible history with skiing. It's not my favorite activity. These days, though, the hardest part is actually getting all of the kids’ gear together -- a task Rick largely tackles by himself. Why? Because he knows he is already getting over by my agreeing to ski IN THE UNBELIEVABLE COLD. I've got to say, I’ve been lucky. Rick and I have been together a long time which means I’ve had very few years without a valentine. That’s not to say I haven’t had a few Valentine’s Day duds before I met him. In fact, one of the worst gifts I ever received was on Valentine’s Day.

Eons ago I had a boyfriend give me a $20 bill…so I could buy the two of us pizza. My gift was I got to keep the change. Woo hoo. Talk about romantic! Surprisingly, my relationship with him didn’t last very long. To my shame, though, it did last through my birthday, which is in May. He'd wised up some, buying me a cute stuffed animal -- an animal which I later set ablaze at a Destroy Your Ex’s Stuff Party.** It was cathartic. Take that pizza boy! I guess my point is that Valentine’s Day can stink regardless of whether or not you have someone to share it with, so if you didn’t have one this year don’t feel so bad. In fact, you might have gotten off easy.

* The cold wasn't that bad thanks to Cuddle Duds. Maybe it's the romance of Valentine's Day talking, but if I ever meet the inventor of Cuddle Duds I will kiss them full on the mouth, regardless of whether they are a man or a woman. (Don't hold me to that, though I promise to shake their hand.)

**That "setting it ablaze" part is a bold-faced lie designed to make me sound cool. The truth is at the party a little voice inside me kept saying, “What about the children, Janene? Some kid would love that stuffed animal. Don't burn it. Give it to charity!” Which I did instead. Still, I did help take a hammer to a friend’s ex-girlfriend’s TV set. Sure, it was already broken beyond repair, but… Oh man, I ruined the cool factor again. I’m just not good at this. Plus, truth be told, I had a great time skiing but please don’t tell my husband. I’d rather he think he owes me one.

I'm leaving for a girl's trip tomorrow and realized I haven't written in a while. Because I'm already going crazy trying to get ready, I decided to do a speed post. Here it is:

A couple of weeks ago my family took a trip. Along the drive, my son saw a convenience store called "Almost Always Open." This makes perfect sense because keeping a store open 24/7 just seems a little too overachieving, doesn't it? Anyway, my son forgot to take a picture of it, which saddened me to no end. To make up for it, I asked him to take a picture of the next strangely named business he saw. This is what he found:

That's right. If you want a Poopy tattoo, we know just where to send you. And if you're hungry you can eat at their restaurant. My mouth is salivating thinking about all of the Poopy things on their menu. Yum! And while I'm on the bathroom humor trail, allow me to show you the super cool drinks I found at my local food store:

That leads me to ask, what do Bawls taste like? And what's with the "Exxtra" Bawls flavor? Does anyone really need Exxtra Bawls? Okay, I can hear you groaning so I'll stop. Time to move on...

My final photo is, frankly, a little sad. During our family trip the hotel maid made a swan out of towels. Sweet, huh?

Confession: This picture is a recreation. That's why the hind feathers look a little ruffled.

Only the swan, well, ended up taking a swan dive. A that pressure to be beautiful must have been too exhausting.

And that's it. I hope you're having a wonderful start of the year and you're able to keep warm. In Iowa it's freezing!.

I’ll admit I’ve been remiss. Right after New Year’s I usually write a post about celebrity losers from the past year. So far I haven’t done it. Sure, I’ve got my list compiled. There's Toronto mayor, Rob Ford (“Have I tried crack cocaine? Probably in one of my drunken stupors.”), Amanda Bynes (poster child for the “Say No to Deranged, Topless Selfies” campaign), Justin Bieber (monkeys...Brazilian hookers...Ann Frank..and now some egging scandal? Doesn't anyone tell him "no"?), Real Housewives of New Jersey star Theresa Guidice (cheater, cheater, mortgage eater!) as well as Anthony Weiner (“Carlos Danger” – seriously?). I don’t even want to mention the biggest loser in my eyes because she’s gotten so much press already. All I'll say is if "naked on a wrecking ball licking a hammer" is the new definition of “marketing genius" then I’m throwing my dictionary away.

Anyway, the list isn't huge, though only because of the U.S. government got in on the action. Loser media coverage was monopolized with a sequestration, a shutdown, an NSA scandal and one hilariously horrible healthcare website execution. Regardless, I just don't want to talk about any of it. I've got bigger things on my mind. Like this thing that happened to me a few days ago in the grocery store, I came across the biggest breasts I'd ever seen:

Holy Pam Anderson! Chicken breasts are now so big they’re starting to sell them in 2-packs instead of 3-packs. These are one pound each! I can't imagine what they’re pumping into chickens now. Shudder. The other reason I might not want to talk about losers is because I feel like a loser, myself. You see, this past weekend I participated in a White Elephant party where people got cool stuff.

I got a toilet.

Okay, it’s a cute, little toilet filled with Tootsie Rolls (Now that’s marketing genius!) but I didn’t end up with what I really wanted. What I wanted was vintage. It was chic. It was fabulous.

It was an old, dented Coors Light candle.

Okay, I’m kidding…or am I? After we lit the candle, someone looked it up on Ebay to see what it might be worth. The answer: $30 – unlitof course. We all felt like losers then.

So I’m going to pass on making fun of stuff like Kanye West’s twitter hissy fit overan innocuous skit onJimmy Kimmel. The guy named his kid North, meaning he’s on the edge already. As for Paula Deen andDuck Dynasty’sPhil, all I’ll say is I'm tired of hearing about it. The fact that those cases ended up in two very different places still confuses me. Perhaps that's why I'm not a TV exec. So everyone, I hope you enjoy your 2014 and remember we’re all flawed people trying our best to keep our crap together. If you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up. Just don’t make out with a hammer. That’s messed up.

I wasn't going to write another post until after Christmas but something happened. I got a gift. It's one I didn't even have on my list. And it's perfect. It's a light-up musical Santa hat and I don't know how I lived my life without it.I have no idea how my family knew I would love it, though I may have given my daughter a slight hint. We were at a concert together, where I saw one and immediately squeed, "OH MY GOD I HAVE TO HAVE A HAT LIKE THAT!" Subtlety is my middle name.

Anyway, what makes this Santa hat so perfect for me can be summed up in three major points:

For the last one, allow me to demonstrate by showing you my amateurishly created video of which I am very proud. After you watch it I must ask you, is this not the most AWESOME Santa hat in the world?

The answer, of course, is a resounding "yes." This hat has boundless possibilities. It has also quenched my thirst for carnage, though I still intend to continue my rampage by baking ninja gingerbread men.

Or maybe I should go totally macabre and make skeleton gingerbread cookies?Decisions, decisions.

I'm kidding, of course. About the "lust for carnage" business, I mean. I still fully intend to bake those cookies.

Still, I do feel the need to end on a pleasant note while still remaining with the gingerbread theme. Therefore, I will share this totally cute Hobbit Hole gingerbread house I saw at The Festival of Trees. (Yes, I realize I just outed myself as a LOTR fan.)

Also, for those animal lovers out there, I promise not to scare my cat with the hat. Truth be told, I really do cherish that crazed beast. Plus when he's frightened he pees himself and it's really a pain to clean up.

Weird Author

My name's Murphy, Janene Murphy, and I'm a weird mom.

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