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Memoir: Writing to Examine

A few days ago I wrote about how the seeds of my memoir lay in my journals, which I wrote for two contradictory reasons: to forget, and to remember. I’ve been working on writing a memoir for a long time. I thought I had a rough draft done ten years ago. Then I showed it to my good friend and all-around smart editor Maureen.

“You’re not ready to write this,” she said. “You’re still in the middle of the story.”

And so I waited for a couple years, and tried again.

That time Maureen said, “I don’t know what the story is you’re trying to tell. You’re a great story teller, and you’ve got lots of stories in here–too many. You’re shooting off in all directions. Pick a story, any story. And edit.”

I didn’t understand. Also I was irritated. I had worked darned hard telling all those stories–there were almost a thousand pages of them. They were the stories of my life. Shouldn’t a memoir be exactly that? I decided I couldn’t write, put the manuscript away and got out my paints instead. But by then it was too late; I was a word junkie. I found myself mulling over what Maureen might mean over cups of coffee, as I was making art, as I was skinning chicken for supper, first indignantly, then sadly, and at last, thoughtfully. And slowly, slowly, I began to understand.

My memoir needed to be more than just dumping my life on paper. I had to pick one part of my experience, and not just recount it, but examine it. I had show my audience not only what happened, but why it was important, how the event played into my development–or lack thereof–in a given area.

I had to be willing to dig deep, to be honest. I had to be willing to take a step back and take a hard look not only at my life, family, and circumstances, but at myself. What was it about me that made the events I was recounting significant–or even possible? Did I grow? Did I triumph, or did I take refuge in victimhood?

I realized then that Maureen was right the first time; I wasn’t ready to write a memoir yet. The events in question could still provoke anger. I wasn’t yet ready to let go of self-justification. I hadn’t gained the distance I needed to be objective about my life. I was still struggling.

I set the memoir aside again. I wrote a couple novels. I wrote several picture books. I hung a few art shows. I moved. I grew. And all the while, I reflected on what parts of my life seemed significant, interesting, and thought-provoking enough to warrant sharing. I stopped looking for the stories, and began looking for the patterns behind them. And I discovered that I needed to think in terms of writing not one, but several memoirs. And then I began to sort.

Stories that shed light on my spiritual development went in one file. Stories that dealt with the subject of work and how it shaped me went in another. Stories that traced the evolution of abuse in my family went into another. Stories about walking through my dad’s terminal cancer went into another. And stories about how I learned to be a mother, how mothering changed me, and how my views of what being a mother means have evolved went into yet another. And at last, having gathered everything together and then sorted it, I felt ready to begin examining my life.

And now, at long last, I am ready to write a memoir–about some parts of my life, not all. I’ve chosen a part of my life with which I’ve made peace–my growth as a young, single mother. This memoir draws from that immense stack of stories that I first thought of as my memoir. But this is more than just a collection of stories about doing stuff with my son–it is an examination of the forces that shaped me as a mother, the challenges I faced in making the transition from single woman living alone to single mother living alone with a baby. It marks the evolution in my character, and charts my growing appreciation for the diversity and richness not only of my experience mothering my son, but mothering others who come into my life needing. It traces a trajectory.

And in the end, if I do my job right, it will invite readers to trace their own paths through the jungle of motherhood, making note of flora, fauna, and pitfalls along the way–and honoring the strengths and scars the journey writes on our souls, marking our passage.

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23 Responses

You are an incredibly tenacious, thoughtful, committed writer. Your willingness to search your soul’s journey through your writing is inspiring. You have great talent as a writer, and of course, as a designer/artist. I look forward to reading the next step in your memoir journey. Thanks for sharing so honestly….one of the great keys to successful memoir writing!

Thanks, Maureen–it’s been a long journey to reach this point, but I think I’m finally ready to start this one, at any rate, and I’ve been noodling around with the spiritual journey one, though I’m not ready to really settle down on that one. The others are still very much works in progress!

I love the idea of writing about ancestors–I write a lot about my grandparents. I think one of the things such pieces/books do is put a human face on history. It’s one thing to read about Prohibition, for example, but it was very different to hear my grandfather tell about having to find ways to avoid becoming involved in transporting hooch for the Mob without getting whacked (he was a trucker). It’s one thing to know that many people had stills, and very different to know that one of Grandpa’s friends had his hidden under the bullpen in his dairy barn, on the theory that no revenue agent was going to brave his bull’s uncertain temper to examine the floor too closely.

I’ll pass the word on (though she pokes her head in here fairly regularly). She’s one of those editors who is strong enough to say what needs to be said–even if I really don’t like the way it sounds. I’ve learned to just shut my mouth and listen, and give myself some time to consider what she’s said before I get up on my high horse.

This is wonderful, Bodie. You nailed it. Maureen gave you useful information. What you did with it made a difference in your life. Sharing it is such a gift to your readers.

Clearly you are a talented writer. You have shown us what memoir is and why it goes so much deeper than storytelling. I copied a few lines to reread when I am too close to the stories I am telling. Thanks for alerting SCN people about this.

If you would like to add Writer Advice to your list of blogs and websites, we would be honored to be included.

I haven’t known you long, Sherry, but Maureen is right on the money with her critique of your writing. And the story that interests me most about Sherry IS the one about mothering, because what kid wouldn’t want a mother as dedicated and thoughtful (about the kid!) as you are? This is one of the places where you truly shine. Needless to say, being a good parent is a topic of HUGE interest to many people. So I think you’re right on track. Congratulations for working through the feelings of rejection when others critique – that’s what it takes to get to the true gold in a story. You write well, you’re a marvelous artist, you work harder and faster than most people. Now for the editing part. 😉 Pretty soon you’ll have something perfick. I can’t wait to see what evolves!

I once had a professor who likened being edited to having your baby’s legs cut off so it will fit into the cradle. I’ve always found it helpful to remember that–and to remember that if I can just weather the first natural defensiveness and (as you say so nicely) feelings of rejection, editing can become an intensely creative part of the process. But it’s never easy to do–and it’s even less easy to hear it needs to be done.

I think probably many of us start out the same way–we think writing our memoir is writing our autobiography. I’m glad Maureen’s advice helped; I know it changed the way I looked at writing about my life. I really, really liked the idea she had of sorting and planning for several memoirs. It made it much easier to move past “I really love this story and I must include it” to “I really love this story and I must include it–but not in this book.” Giving myself that “out” really simplified things.

Thanks for this thoughtful and insightful post! I went through years of writing and rewriting my memoir, Walking Nature Home, before it was actually ready to be a book. I came down to exactly what you’re talking about, what I call the “why bother” question: why bother going to the work and sacrificing the trees, time and money to get this story into print. That’s what helped me focus and find one narrative thread involving the themes of love, nature, and healing. And then the story was just there. Every time I lost sight of it or tried to clutter it up, I went back to my “why bother” test, back to those themes, and that helped me sift out what was essential to the story and what wasn’t. And over this last month, having the joy and terror of narrating Walking Nature Home for the audiobook version, I’ve come out of it seeing that the story really does work. That’s not to say that there aren’t lots of ways to write this same story, but this is the approach that worked for me when I wrote it. Still does, as I read it for the audio version a year and a half after the print version was published. That feels good!

I like that–the “why bother” test. Is the story I’m telling worth the bother, the time, the cost of typesetting, and the death of trees? I haven’t read your book, but I’ll have to check it out; it sounds good.

Thank you for all the kind comments about me as an editor. I am available for editing manuscripts and love to work with writers on memoir. Feel free to contact me directly if you’re looking for an editor.

It often takes a while for things and advice to make sense. Many times, we don’t consider advice long enough before rejecting it. I know you will have an outstanding story because you will touch everything in your thoughtfulness.

And there is nothing more important in the entire world than being a good mother to your child! And it’s so hard…

You’re right about parenting being the most important thing. It’s become such a cliche, but it really is to me. I moved and started a new business so I could be home with my son when he was young. It was a choice I made for him, but it turned out to be a great one for me, as well.

Thanks, MT. I’m working on going through each chapter now and tailoring it to fit the overall plan for the book. There’s something very cleansing about being able to throw away a whole paragraph. Or two. Or a page. Or a chapter! Or–hey, don’t wanna go there.

About Magic Dog Press

Magic Dog Press exists to bridge the gulf between manuscript and bookshelf. We specialize in working with writers who wish to self-publish, but aren't quite sure where to start. If you have a book inside you struggling to get out--or if it already has gotten out, and is standing on your porch wondering which way to go, contact us.

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