Judgement Day

My past mistakes have finally caught up to me. My $53,000 in student loan debt has come due, and I’ve arranged with a collector to start paying it off. It’s the sum of all my flagrant mistakes, and the fiscal remainder of my bout with depression while I was in school. My time there granted me the intellect I have today, and the life I lived was paid in borrowed money. Which then, when that life failed leaving me nothing, I was forced to move on. The debt defaulted, ruined my credit rating, and has been an ever-present reminder of the cost of failure. At least now my loans will one day be paid off, and my credit standing rebuilt in time. But it was an unfriendly call, one I had waiting for me at my desk phone, and I returned that call, knowing full well that it would bring this past mistake into my present life. They are willing to work with me though, and they will get my loans out of defaulted status in 9 months. I fully intend to take responsibility for this, as this is my mistake and I own it as such. No one forced me to do what I did with my life in Santa Barbara. I got depressed and I alone decided to drop out of school and start my life over again. This day has been coming, and somehow I knew it would. But the moral of the story is: take action for your mistakes. Don’t shove them aside and hope they just vanish. I did these things, and I will pay for it.

I’m back at work, realizing that now, more than ever, I must stick with it and go far in this job. It’s the only thing that will keep me solvent, as the sheer magnitude of my debt would crush me otherwise. I think they would be willing to cut out all the fees associated with my loans, bringing the sum down to $39,000. Still a lot. Like buying a brand new luxury car. Only I bought a life that utterly failed and left me in ruin. Abandoned. Divorced. Stranded.

But that was almost 10 years ago. Things have changed since then. I’m doing better. I just hope I can pay off this debt in a timely not accelerated or inflated fashion. Too much payback and my life will go belly-up. But who knows what the next few years will hold. I just have to keep making the payments. Every time. For my future. For my past.

**UPDATE 3:15 pm**

I’m through most of the day, and I feel more strain than is usual. I mean, wouldn’t you be a bit freaked if a collector called you and said: it’s time to pay bub?

I feel like I will have to work for 12,000 years to ever pay it back. But I’m willing to try, at least. I’m just scared.

The day will be over before I even realize, and soon I’ll be on my way back home. Joy. I know there’s a game on tonight, but I don’t think I care all that much. I’m in a perturbed state. Not quite sure what to do with myself. But there you have it. Locked-in for the long term. I have been putting my head down and doing my job. I get the feeling not many take it as seriously as I do. I don’t mind the jokes, but does it really take you 38 minutes to put in one exchange? I guess I’m kinda grumpy. But this is life. Hard, yes, unbearable? Doubt it.

My Profile

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I in 2003 and have largely fallen flat on my face in my attempts to live successfully with this illness. I looked for meaning outside my self, and sought partnership, love and the comfort provided. As a result of never properly caring for my mental health, I was divorced twice, attempted suicide twice and have been hospitalized in three different California counties. I have absorbed the weight of my transgressions and decided to move forward towards meaning.
In 2013 I started investing in my recovery on a personal basis. I acquired skills, pursued introspection and began to take my illness very seriously. I did not want to commit suicide again. I had a fundamental desire to live with pride, and help those who could not help themselves. I wanted to reach out a friendly hand, much the way a hand had been offered to me when I needed it most. I knew I had caused pain in my past, and I did not want to be remembered as just that person who had lived that regrettable life.
Now, I work for the National Alliance on Mental Illness in Sacramento and I am the program coordinator for our Connection Recovery Support Groups. I do outreach, grant writing, website administration and I also work for NAMIWalks as a the 2019 Sponsorship Chairman. I hope to earn a place in the mental healthcare network here in my community and will work tirelessly towards promoting positive messages about the truth, hope and meaning of recovery.