The Art of Saying Thank You

How to show appreciation.

We all know that being grateful is a crucial character trait; it’s the foundation of many of our other qualities and actions. We all know that we need to express gratitude to anyone who has given to us – our colleagues, our friends, our parents and the Almighty Himself. What we frequently don’t know is how to show our appreciation, the right words or appropriate actions. Too many of us are like our small children who, when forced to say thank you to an adult, mutter it under their breath in grudging or barely audible tones. Rarely do we give wholehearted thanks.

I confess to being a lot like those children, perhaps embarrassed to be the recipient of someone else’s kindness and, although certainly not begrudging it, barely squeaking out a soft word of thanks. Until a friend of mine taught me differently. She showed me many ways to express my appreciation. She modeled more effective ways to say thanks and she broadened my abilities.

Firstly, your thank you should be specific. “Thanks for dinner” is a good starting place. “Thanks for a delicious dinner” is better. “Thanks for going to so much trouble to make dinner for me” is better yet. And “Thanks for such a gourmet dinner. The chicken was so moist. Can I get the recipe? I’ve never enjoyed squash so much. The rice was prepared to perfection and that chocolate dessert was exquisite. I really enjoyed myself. Thanks for including me” may be best of all! The more detailed, the better.

Secondly, it’s important to remember that everyone likes to be thanked, even paid professionals. They take pride in their work and they are still doing us a kindness, whether they get financial remuneration or not. Take the time to tell the plumber, the caterer, your dentist (there’s a challenging one!), your housekeeper how much you appreciate the effort they made and the work they did. You can also thank them for each step along the way, not just the overall job.

Perhaps the paid professionals we need to thank most of all and who are frequently the recipients of our complaints and rarely our gratitude are our children’s teachers. They deserve our respect and appreciation for the hours and effort they put in trying to educate our children, really doing some parts of our job for us. My abovementioned friend was my role model here as well. Her children were a little older than mine and I watched her write thank you notes at the end of the year to all of their teachers. I don’t think most teachers need another box of candy but a note expressing gratitude means a lot. Being specific makes a difference here as well. “You opened my daughter up to the world of reading; I can’t thank you enough.” “You made history come alive for my son; I am really grateful.” “You helped her over her fear of math and I appreciate how patient you were about it.” These are the kinds of notes that teachers save long after “The world’s best teacher” mug has been broken.

And along the same lines, we frequently forget to thank the people who mean the most to us – our close friends and family – who are always doing kindness for us and which we frequently take for granted. In this world of texts and emails, written notes still make a difference. It’s still nice to receive a written thank you for a dinner served, an event hosted, a special effort made. When my friend’s youngest daughter got married a few years ago, we were among the hosts for sheva brachos for the young couple. The thank you note I received took my breath away. It was an ode to friendship and a lesson in appreciation. I don’t want to reveal something too personal but the gist covered love, years of friendship, gourmet appetizers and fancy desserts! I hope to follow her example in this area as well.

And lastly, let’s address our most significant relationships where gratitude cannot be expressed often enough –our spouses and our Creator. With our spouse, not only do we often take their kindness for granted but we may just assume they are doing their job. I believe I can safely promise you a better marriage if you say thank you – whether you are feeling appreciative or not, whether you think it’s your due or not, whether you think it’s a big deal or not. “Thanks for making dinner when you had such a long day.” “Thanks for stopping at the dry cleaners for me even though it was out of your way.” “Thanks for checking the locks.” “Thanks for getting up with the baby.” “Thanks for marrying me!!” The list is endless and we should never stop.

So too with the Almighty. We say the morning blessings to help focus our gratitude. We begin the day with an appreciation of the gift of life and move on to specific aspects of that gift. It is true in formal prayer and it should be true when we use our own words as well. Like our relationships with educators, we frequently share out complaints and frustrations with the Almighty and not our gratitude. “Thanks for such beautiful day.” “Thanks for the ability to think, to learn and to grow.” “Thanks for making me a part of the Jewish people.” “Thanks for my family.” “Thanks for giving me a relationship with You.”

Small children say a limited thank you in small meek voices. They are self-centered and haven’t learned about building relationships with others. Mature adults should say it in deep, mellifluous tones – with a richness of nuance and expression. We should say it with feeling.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 6

(6)
Teri,
August 27, 2014 11:11 PM

Very disturbing

Your article was very well-written, but I found it deeply disturbing. I understand that children need to be taught to say thank you (and also to learn the "magic word" please), but it's very disturbing to think that adults need to be told how to say - and that they need to say - thank you. And it's more disturbing that people need to be told to say thank you to the people close to them. Even when we were doing chores that were expected of us, we were thanked when we did them. Likewise, we thanked or complimented our mother for the meals she prepared and our father when he picked us up or did other things for us. That kind of upbringing makes it normal to thank friends, co-workers, delivery people, or anyone else who does something for us. And it makes it normal when praying to begin by thanking G-d for all that we've been given - our life, our relationships, our livelihood, etc. I know that I appreciate it when someone thanks me for something I've done. I can't imagine NOT thanking someone for what they've done.

(5)
Suzanne Doctor,
August 25, 2014 2:00 PM

Beautiful

Thanks so much for those beautiful thoughts. I give my husband a soft kiss on his cheek and a word of thanks every time he treats me to a meal (or simply a cup of tea) out. Even after 38 years of marriage, he smiles when I ask him to lean down for that little smooch. Yet, thanking the Almighty is most important. The bounty of blessings we receive daily is without number. The glory of creation seems rather commonplace. However, just considering the concept of food, we see such love. Food didn't have to be of great variety, beautiful colors, luscious aromas, or delicious flavors. No, the testimony of creation speaks to the great and tender love of the Almighty.

(4)
Anonymous,
August 25, 2014 7:13 AM

Thank you

Thank you for reminding us how valuable feeling grateful and expressing our gratitude is.

(3)
madge,
August 24, 2014 10:16 PM

thank you!

Thank you for getting up this morning out of your comfort bed ,and leaving all the comfort s of home, may God wrap his wings around you all.:)

(2)
Anonymous,
August 24, 2014 9:09 PM

You really made me think.
You opened my eyes
Thank you

(1)
Jaya,
August 24, 2014 3:26 PM

Gratitude

This is a very meaningful .we need to gratefully remember the daily gifts we take for granted , the love we receive and often not even notice , leave alone say thank you and feel blessed . Gratitude opens our eyes to the riches we fail to notice we have and have enjoyed . Thank you so much for writing this .

My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

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