Oscars 2010: predictions. But, like, real predictions

Oscar season is upon us, and everyone's making the usual predictions. The Hurt Locker to win Best Picture, Kathryn Bigelow to win Best Director, Avatar to win Best Pocahontas in Space Impression (it's a new one – they dropped Cinematography to make room, because no-one knew what it was), blah, blah, blah.

But that's far too easy. There's only five or so nominations for each category; you have about a 20 per cent chance of getting it right through sheer blind luck. You want real predictions? I'll give you real predictions.

Jeff Bridges to turn up wearing a robe

I'm sure Crazy Heart is a perfectly good film, but all this serious drama and so on is very un-Dude. Stop it at once. Roll up in socks and sandals and fix yourself a Caucasian; it's what Donnie would have wanted. ("All right if I do a J?")

An enraged subeditor to leap onstage and bludgeon Quentin Tarantino to death during his acceptance speech

Bet you think you're all dead clever, don't you, Quentin? With your "I'm never going to explain" why you misspelled "Inglorious Bastards" in your hilarious way. With your "It's a Basquiat-esque touch", smug in the knowledge we'll have to Google Basquiat to find out he's an artist of some description. Let me tell you: misspelling is never clever. And the spirits have revealed that you will get your brutal comeuppance as a disgruntled sub on The Los Angeles Times rips the golden statuette from your hands and smashes your grinning face in with it, as the world cheers him on.

Something horrible to happen to everyone involved in The Lovely Bones

It's the Worst. Book. Ever. And it is an immutable fact that films are always worse than books. Therefore (I haven't seen it) it must be the Worst Film Ever Squared. I'm not saying it will be punished by some God or Karma or anything; I'm saying it will be so bad it will defy physical rules, like the Third Law of Thermodynamics or Boyle's Law. People worrying about the Large Hadron Collider creating a black hole should turn their attentions to Southern California, where soon a singularity of sheer awfulness will consume the whole world.

A worldwide power surge during the award for Sound Mixing

Or Art Direction, or Costume Design, or Makeup. The ones that nobody outside the Screen Make-up Artists' Guild or whatever cares about or entirely understands. You'd be amazed how many fuses will blow as two billion people rise as one to make themselves a cup of tea.

Jennifer Aniston to do nothing whatsoever of interest as Brangelina arrive

Every year there's the what-will-Jen-do thing. Will she sob? Will she throw her shoes? Will she at least have the decency to look slightly pained as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie stroll past her seat with a flock of adopted infants trailing behind them? No. Of course not. She's a grown woman. Still, if the coverage is anything like last year, the tabloids will not be satisfied unless she plucks out one of Jolie's eyes with a false nail.

Someone – ha ha! – to turn up – ho ho! – in casual clothes

They're such rebels! Imagine! To turn up to a black tie do – get this – without wearing a tie! Or better yet – HA HA – to wear a bow tie OVER A T-SHIRT AND JEANS! Can you imagine such anarchy? Such disrespect for authority? What a rogue. He doesn't play by the rules, but by God he gets results. Or something. My money's on Woody Harrelson, although it could be Tim Burton, I suppose. There'll probably be a woman who turns up in a trouser suit as well. I'm hyperventilating already.

The same woman's dress to be described as FROCK HORROR in one publication and BEST DRESSED in another

Because they basically make it up, don't they? Here's a woman, in a dress. Now flip a coin marked HIT or MISS and write 150 words on the subject. Unless they've turned up in 1/32nd scale papièr-maché model of the Arc de Triomphe or a diamante thong, they're pretty much just dresses. So don't be surprised if Heat magazine says Miley Cyrus's mint-green off-the-shoulder Elie Saab gown shows off her figure, while Grazia says it makes her arms look saggy or something. It's completely arbitrary, we promise. That said…

Lady Gaga to wear a 1/32nd scale papièr-maché model of the Arc de Triomphe

You know it's going to happen. And a hat shaped like the Eiffel Tower that completely obscures the view of the stage for Philip Seymour Hoffman who's sitting in the row behind her. God knows what goes on in that woman's brain.

Philip Seymour Hoffman to look completely out of place among the beautiful tanned people

Bless him. Overweight and red-faced, surrounded by Rob Lowe-alikes who had their first facelift at the age of 25. And he turned up in a white tux the other year, so he looked essentially like a Raspberry Ripple. The man is a hero.

You to fall asleep long before the Best Picture award is presented

And you'll wake up on Monday morning, stuck to the sofa with your own sleep-drool, with cold coffee soaked into your crotch and your spouse slapping your face and telling you it's time to go to work. It'll have been the award for Short Film (Live Action) that tipped you over the edge at around 3:30am. You'll have had unsettling dreams about Philip Seymour Hoffman in a diamante thong.

All that said, come and join me for my live coverage of the Oscar ceremony on Sunday night! I'll be over on the main website. It'll be great fun. Come and watch my predictions come true, unerringly, one by one, until you write terrified emails to your local MP accusing me of witchcraft. See you there.