Sexuality and RelationshipInternationally Known Sex Educator for Women, Author, Founder, Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women

Are You Holding Yourself Back From Orgasm?

06/24/2015 10:45 pm ETUpdated
Jun 24, 2016

What is stopping countless women from experiencing the pleasure of orgasm? And is the new female Viagra the answer?

Before you pop your first pill, ask yourself this: When was the last time during a sexual encounter that you were simply focused on being in the moment of sexual expression? That amazing moment where you stop worrying about whether you should be giving or receiving, or what should happen next, or how you look, or if you will "get somewhere"?

The reasons why women hold themselves back from receiving pleasure in their bodies and having orgasm are common and widespread. And women can open up to pleasure and change their relationship to their bodies and their sexuality at any age.

Four Common Reasons Why Women Don't Have Orgasms

1. Women worry about time.

Stop watching the clock -- sex is not about who finishes first. Many women are worried that they "take too long" and are being selfish, or that they should be "doing" rather than receiving pleasure.

It's completely common for women to actually stop themselves from experiencing pleasure because it takes time and they go into self-ridicule and self-judgment mode. There is nothing like focusing on whether or not you are "taking too long" and "being selfish" or "greedy" to stop a delicious orgasm. Women sometimes take a little longer to relax, open and receive pleasure in their bodies. Orgasms can take time and the best orgasms are all about the build up. Let it happen! Aren't you worth the time? Give yourself permission to have pleasure in your life. You are not greedy to want multiple orgasms, or frankly ANY orgasm. Isn't it time to raise your pleasure ceiling and make space for them to happen? Forget the clock. Sex doesn't have a time limit.

2. Women have a hard time receiving pleasure.

Most women are really good at doing for others. I talk to countless women who want me to teach them how to "give" pleasure to their partners. When we go deeper, I find out that the biggest problem is that they don't know how to receive pleasure! Women are conditioned to give. It's a radical idea for many women to simply allow pleasure into their own bodies and completely experience that. This can be the hardest thing for many women to do and if you can't fully receive -- it can be nearly impossible to let go and have an orgasm.

You deserve pleasure and happiness. You can give it to yourself and/or your partner may really want to offer it to you. Sometimes, we have to literally "take" pleasure and claim it for ourselves. Take the time to stop giving and open to the pleasure of receiving. Remember, your partner wants to give you something beautiful. Savor and enjoy the gift.

It's hard to believe that a woman with an advanced college degree may not know their own anatomy, but it is extraordinarily common. It's hard to have an orgasm when you are unfamiliar with your own parts. Way too many women do not know their own anatomy, and have no idea what kind of touch gives them pleasure. If you can't name your parts and have no idea what gives you pleasure, how can you ask for it? Many women have never experienced wonderful touch. And their partners are as uneducated as they are.

So how can you ask for something you don't know exists?

Most women do not know that it is very common for women not to climax during intercourse unless their clitoris is stimulated. Both men and women are not taught about female bodies. To learn more about the primary sex organ for women -- the clitoris -- please read this blog.

The fact is that our clitoris needs to fill with blood and engorge just like a penis does if we want to have amazing orgasms. That takes time and stimulation! So if you are not touching all of the various parts of your vulva -- the inner labia and your clitoris -- you are shutting off your main portal to pleasure. It can take time to learn and experiment with your own body and it's a must do if you want to experience orgasms and expand your pleasure.

Getting to know your body and taking on your sexuality requires time and effort. If you are willing to go to the gym, eat right, meditate and see the doctor regularly, why aren't you willing to put the time and effort into your sexuality? Great sex doesn't always just happen. We have to create our own incredible erotic lives and give it the time and effort it deserves. Women are taught in many ways to give their sexuality to their male partner and they will take care of everything. We become passive yet not responsive. It's only when women are willing to own that they want great sex and take responsibility for their own sex lives that amazing sex will happen.

What if your sexuality and your relationship with your body became a priority in your life? I am not alone in believing that our sexual arousal, orgasms and pleasure connect us to our own life force energy. It's the rocket fuel that connects us to our creativity and the deepest parts of ourselves.

4. Women have given themselves "Pleasure Ceilings".

Way too many women put restrictions on the amount of pleasure they are allowed to have and that holds them back from experiencing what is possible in their own bodies.

They have this belief that they can only have one orgasm (that's enough) or that sex can only happen in a particular way. When you do that, you cut off your ability to freely expand your pleasure experience. You shut yourself down. Maybe your "Pleasure Ceiling" has been taught to you by your family, your past lovers or even friends who might have shamed you for the way you expressed your sexuality. Let go of what you think "sex" should be. Forget comparing and contrasting your sexuality with others. Allow sex to be messy and more of a modern dance than a structured ballet.

Orgasm is all about the build up, learning to let go into receiving, and allowing pleasure ceilings to vanish. Fabulous sex is timeless. It's about letting go into the rhythm of bodies and breath.

Most of us never get to actually see another woman (not an actress) experience sex and have an orgasm. Real sex is too messy for Hollywood. So we are all trying to learn how to have something that we have not entirely ever witnessed.

Having orgasms is not an Olympic sport or a competitive game. Instead, sexuality is all about letting go into your own erotic dance where you can be completely yourself.

What if you could just allow yourself to be open, free and in celebration of the pleasure, miracle and joy that is unfettered sexual expression?