But, and this is where Japan earns its huge cojones, it has also developed some of the most fucked up products that no other country has the audacity to create, like tentacle anime porn, numerous products for comforting lonely sukebe men, Pokemon, and now the Japan-only Pepsi Ice Cucumber.

Along with Japan’s huge balls, which I think helps keep its islands afloat with the over 127 million people living on its back, I also think these crazy products Japan comes up with are the result of sucking the sake a little too much, if you know what I’m saying. But I can relate to that, because whenever I pound a few ochoko (small sake cup), I also want to do some crazy shit, like reenact the music video for Prince’s “When Doves Cry.”

How can u just leave me standing?/Alone in a world so cold? (World so cold)/Maybe I’m just 2 demanding/Maybe I’m just like my father 2 bold/Maybe you’re just like my mother/She’s never satisfied (She’s never satisfied)/Why do we scream at each other/This is what it sounds like/When doves cry

Much like how apple juice can look like beer and urine can look like pineapple soda, Pepsi Ice Cucumber’s green color makes it looks like Cepacol Mouthwash. Its flavor is light, just like actual cucumbers. There’s a slight fruitiness to it, but there definitely is a cucumber flavor to it, albeit artificial, like Paris Hilton holding the Bible.

To be honest, the Pepsi Ice Cucumber was not as bad as I thought it would be. Still it’s slightly gross and weird, but there’s something about it that drew me back to it. It’s like the relationship that Lindsay Lohan and rehab have.

Drinking a bottle was a vicious masochistic cycle. I’d take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. A few hours later I’d open my fridge, take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. It took me three days to finish a bottle.

Pepsi Ice Cucumber was available only in Japan, but quickly sold out. Right now, the only way for Westerners to get their hands on a bottle is through the virtual garage sale clusterfuck known as eBay, where prices can get semi-expensive thanks to overzealous capitalism and shipping. Is it worth spending a decent amount of money on this novelty soda?

It really depends on how big your balls are.

Item: Pepsi Ice CucumberPrice: $24.99 (Three 500 ml bottles)Purchased at: eBayRating: 4 out of 10Pros: Not as bad as I thought it would be. Slightly fruity. Something about it makes me come back for more. Japan has huge balls. The Nintendo Wii. Japanese commercials with American actors. Hybrid cars.Cons: Light artificial cucumber taste was slightly gross and weird. Looks like mouthwash. Only available in Japan. The things I do when I drink too much sake. Anything with Nicholas Cage in it.

Hunter – I think the HINT Cucumber Water has a more natural cucumber taste, making it taste much better than this soda. I don’t think they have big balls, just a big bat to swing at the Grim Reaper whenever he comes around.

Ace – I already used a bottle to simulate tentacle porn with myself. It definitely would’ve been more fun with a loved one.

wally – I don’t know, but I make it a point to be weird.

betsy – Actually, I’m not out of my mind, I’m just swimming in cash. Unfortunately, that cash is all in pennies.

betsy – Actually, I’m not out of my mind, I’m just swimming in cash. Unfortunately, that cash is all in pennies.

Webmiztris – I’m thinking more stupid than brave, but I’ll take brave.

vel – I’m not sure if I’m infected, but if I eat some human flesh within the next 24 hours, I’ll let you know by coming over and eating your flesh.

Brie – It isn’t right, but someone had to make it to let the rest of us know that it truly isn’t right.

Long time reader, first time poster. That Nic Cage commercial is packed full of goodness. “Goodness,” in this context, means “Random enough to make your synaspes backfire while viewing.” I guess that’s what it usually means, but this time only more so.

i always thought that the japanese are very creative. they really are brilliant! but they are adjusted to different tastes than we are. for then i’m not surprised that that may do well. the japanese vending machines sell even tires… insane brilliance… that is if you can put on a tire of course. japan now sells salad in a can and is profiting from it too.

stephanie – Salad water!!! I want to try that!!! Maybe someone is selling it on eBay.

Tristyn – There are so many Japanese KitKats. I would have to dedicate a whole month for KitKats reviews. But I’ve been thinking about reviewing Japanese Pringles flavors.

Alyssa – The reason why Japan has so many vending machines is because of the lack of space they have on those islands. Instead of building a store, which takes up a lot of space, they can just use vending machines. It truly is quite brilliant.

I am the Walrus – Cucumbery intense!

Zadillo – I’m predicting that Coke in Japan will come out with a celery-flavored Coke.

Natalia – I have to be drunk to even attempt to mirror Prince’s dance moves in that video.

EG – They have Calpis Water at the 7-11 down the street, but I have yet to try it. If they’re that bad, maybe I’ll give them a try.

Pepsi Ice Cucumber sounds exactly like Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray soda which has been selling in the USA for something like 50 years, except it used to be called Dr. Brown’s Celery Tonic. I remember drinking it when I was little and it’s actually pretty good. Kinda like ginger ale. Looks to me like the Japanese are about 50 years behind the times coming up with product.

Chuck – But this actually has a better taste than the Jones Soda holiday sodas. It didn’t make me gag as much.

BWeaves – Maybe the Japanese created a time machine went 51 years into the past, developed Pepsi Ice cucumber, and then used their time machine to go 51 years into the future. That way they would be ahead of the times in vegetable sodas AND time travel. 😉

Domokun – I think he should be allowed to do one movie a year (that shouldn’t be based on a comic book) and one Japanese commercial a year.

I had that “When Doves Cry” song running through my head ALL DAY yesterday. (But that’s for clearing up the lyrics at “just like my father 2 bold” which I always thought was “just like my father 2 fold”.)

I had a vodka & cucumber chocolate a couple of weeks ago … I thought it worked well.

in point of fact the cucumber is an overlooked taste in the Western palate.

yes we have cucumber soup and cream of cucumber dishes which raise your eyebrows in all sorts of plain simple never-imagined-ways so let me say once and for all: cucumber cola is a natural outcropping of human ingenuity and i’m ashamed to hail from a region that not only didn’t conceive of it, but in fact looks on it with suspicion.