Should I dump my married lover? Agony aunt answers your questions

our agony aunt gets to the heart of your relationship problems.

'My married lover only comes to me for sex when he’s meant to be playing golf'

She resents that I have more earning power

Q: My partner has always been the main breadwinner and has enjoyed lording it over me. But the tables have turned as I’ve had several promotions recently and I now earn more than her. I received a very generous bonus last year and may even get a company car.

She deeply resents this. Over the past few months, she’s become hateful and nasty, and I’m struggling to respect her and hold my tongue. I have to face the fact that she liked it better when she was the star and I was the underdog. I’ve never been a competitive or resentful person, but I’ve worked hard and my time has finally come.

Why should I have to apologise about that?

A: Your partner needs to be encouraged to grow up and get over herself. Her current behaviour is quite pathetic. It’s a sad fact that some individuals prefer their partners under the thumb. When your partner was earning more than you, she felt smug and superior. Your position made her feel good, but now you’re overtaking her and she doesn’t like it. Promise me that you won’t let her beat you.

Do your best, reach your potential and if she doesn’t like it then bad luck. Sit her down, talk about this and make the point that you’re in an equal, adult relationship and she needs to start showing respect and being proud.

My mother-in-law’sjibe is so cruel

Q: My mother-in-law has really upset me by suggesting it was “for the best” that I never managed to get pregnant as I “probably wouldn’t have been a very good mother”. I’m too materialistic and self-obsessed, apparently. My husband says to ignore her as she never thinks before she speaks, but how can I ever be in the same room as this monster when she has no idea of the hell I’ve been through?

A: Your insensitive mother-in-law has to hear how much she’s hurt you so that she never repeats her horrific comments again. You and your husband need to ask for a private conversation. Keep your cool and say that she frequently goes too far.

Explain that if you and she are to have any kind of future relationship, she needs to respect the fact that you crave backing and understanding from family members, not ignorant comments. Check out fertilityfriends.co.uk for further support.

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Q: I don’t like the influence my 19-year-old son’s new girlfriend has over him. He was very sweet before he met her, but now he’s drinking, having sex and staying out late. She’s encouraging him to go travelling with her this summer, which I’m not sure about. He’s not the same, considerate lad any more. How do I loosen her grip over him?

A: I suspect these changes in your son were always going to happen, sooner or later. Drinking and staying out late are rites of passage for a 19 year old. If he wasn’t pushing back the boundaries with her, it would be with a group of mates.

Of course you can ask him to be considerate and careful. Hopefully you’ve instilled good values in him and he knows right from wrong, but you can’t wrap him in cotton wool. Once he goes travelling or moves into a flat share, you won’t know where he is from one minute to the next.

Sex matters

Q: My relationship with my married lover has stagnated. He only comes to me for sex when he’s meant to be playing golf and he texts me saying: “Get ready.” He never mentions leaving his wife and setting up home with me any more. He even scuffs his golf shoes, clubs and balls on my lawn to make things look authentic. How do I resolve this without being the loser?

Clearly your crafty lover thinks of everything. From lying to his wife to scuffing up his golf shoes, he’s very much enjoying the best of both worlds, isn’t he? The reality is that he gives you absolutely nothing yet expects sex, loyalty and discretion on tap. Surely you need to do yourself a favour by dumping him?

A: Claim back your life and dignity, and accept that he’s nothing but a user. If he once promised you a new home and a future and that’s not even being mentioned any more, you’re wasting your time on someone who doesn’t deserve your loyalty. Send him back to his wife with the suggestion that he sorts himself out.