When I was about 8 years old I was shopping with my family, I had to go to the bathroom in the mini mall we were in and while I was sitting on the toiled in a stall that had no doors...I remember and older guy stood in front of the stall and had his hands in his pants and was playing with himself. I remember being so terrified and scared that I folded my arms and closed my eyes...wanting it to go away. I am not sure what happened after that (if anything)...my mind is just blank. The next thing I remember was hearing someone come into the bathroom and the guy who was standing in front of me left. I am worried about the unaccounted time though...I don't know if something happened...if my mind blocked it out to protect me. After that incident...I never pee in urinals....I Never go to the bathroom in public unless its in a lockable stall. Also this is my earliest memory of having an attraction to males...I wish I knew why! Never before that can I remember having that issue...just after that incident. Also....about 3 years later I was staying at my friends house for the night...got onto the topic of masturbation...and ended up experimenting orally....I DONT KNOW HOW it started....or why I didn't stop it...and worst of all why I enjoyed it! After it happened I never spent the night there again and our friendship quickly dissolved. Never spoke of it until now...I remember feeling so dirty and filthy and depressed. I never told my family what happened until I was 18. I was acting up...skipping school, lying, growing more and more distant and inward...I hated school...didn't hang out with the other boys...was friends with mostly girls, I hated everything about myself...coudln't figure out what was wrong with me. I am now 22 and after living the bi lifestyle and numbing myself emotionally and physically (cutting, drug use, promiscous) I moved home and went to therapy. I was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD but haven't sought more information on PTSD until now. I kept pushing everything to the back of my mind...it doesn't work! I know this may seem scattered and my thoughts may seem all over the place....Im sorry!

So things brings me to a question...Does anyone else have time or memories with blanks or parts that they don't remember.? How do I figure it out? I WANT TO BE FIXED!

There are a lot of people here who can't remember everything that happened to them. I can't remember everything that happened to me, and what I do remember is fragmented.

I recommend that you read the posts on the site and ask questions. Also look up information on the internet regarding PTSD and treatments. I'm sorry to say that there is no overnight fix for what happened to us, but you're in the right place to start working on your recovery.

If you aren't in counseling, I highly recommend you find a counselor who specializes in male sexual abuse, or if you can't find one, a counselor who specializes in abuse and/or PTSD. If you can find a therapist that does EMDR it may help. Give each therapist a few visits to see if you are comfortable with them, and if you're not, move on.

I had very little memory of my childhood through out most of my life. There are still large gaps. Some people call it dissasociation others call it other things, like repressed memory.

Many of us here only remember leading troubled lives, and having difficulty with relationships. We only vaguely remember an unhappy childhood without knowing why.

Then 'BAMM'!!! Some time between age 22 to 35 we get hit by our first major flashback, and it is always unexpected and it allways floors us.

Having disjointed memories/feelings/sensations, pounding into your consiousness while your still awake, is a terribble thing to happen to anyone.

It can be a living hell, this process of recovery, but as for myself, I would rather know, than not know.

At the begining of this process of memory recovery, things tend to get harder, not easier. I would second Dewey2k's suggestion. I welcome you here, and at the same time I hope you find a Therapist you are comfortable with and continue counseling.

We support you here and hope to see more posts from you in the future.

I did go to a therapist a couple years ago...she was no help...just said...be yourself...she suggested trying the gay life! It was not worth it though and I was still unhappy...probably more than ever. But I quit doing that and kinda just became non sexual which is a lot less stressful and it doesn't bring up bad memories!

It would appear that it might be worth your time to try another one. When you look, remember that you are hiring them to help YOU, not the other way around. You have every right to interview them for the job. There are a lot of people here who can give you ideas of things to ask.

Sexuality is something that is complex to say the least. It's hard to know sometimes what is natural for us and what was affected by the abuse.

I can not emphasize how important counseling is to recovery. Others may disagree, but that's how I feel.

mtd,i too had a bad therapy experience where my T told me to not worry about my abuse...that it didn't hurt me...that i should just get a fishing buddy and have sex with him once a week...and not tell my wife.

well...obviously, SOME therapists are idiots...this guy was certainly a quack...

BUT...that doesn't mean i didn't need to keep trying....so i did...and i have an incredible helpful psychotherapist today...helping me a great deal.

so...keep trying....you deserve that.

Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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