Kiss my bloodied lips before you go.Remember darling, you reap what you sow.I gave you that warning a few years ago.So what's coming to you, you already know.Now close your eyes and hold on tight.I'll make it quick when I put out your light.When you are gone, I might shed some tears.Remembering back, we had some good years.You chose a new ally, you made a mistake.It won't take you long to realise he's fake.

Poetry by Kaydee

The bloodier the poem the better the therapy and yes, she's still alive.In fact, the poem titled 'Natalie' is about her. We are also still married!You see, therapy through poetry really works.Written in 2012.

Thursday morning delight.Coffee - makes my entire day!Cake - baked to make the world a better place!Cats - furry, lovable creatures!Chemistry - there exists nothing without it!C* - You made the five "C's" possible!So good yet so wrong.

It's not a conscious thoughtThe words aren't spoken with known deceit or intentional mal-intentBut somewhere in my brain, buried in my subconscious, I know...A self-sabotaging automated programming constantly runningAnd regardless of my cognitive actions or conscious thoughts, desires and intentionsMy automated programming will find a way to inevitably run its code, follow its routines and execute its prime directive

And that's not a cop outThey're still my actionsConscious or subconsciousActions resulting from subconscious "thought" are those I'm too ignorant to see or too weak to change in that moment

I don't know what's worseThe subconscious lies and heaps of horse fertilizer, day in and day out, I shove down the throats of those who cross my pathOr the incessant feed of regurgitated words, phrases, thoughts, ideas and worst of all.... hopes.... that is being forced through my digestive track only to be excreted by my body and re-absorbed by my central nervous system

Hope

The worst trick of all

And it always works. Without failWhy?Because it psychologically and emotionally preys on everything I want to beThe Hope that THIS TIME I'll get it rightTHIS TIME I won't FAILAll those things inside of meAll of my......Potential.......This time it won't be wastedThis time I'll come through. You can count on me! I promise! This time I'll be on time This time I won't be late! This time I'll meet expectations This time I'll EXCEED expectations! This time I won't let people downThis time I won't.... ..... ..... letME

.­....down

Hope

The saddest and ultimate cruelty of lies Created by the Devil to prey on the weak and gullible If **** is living your worst day over and over again for eternity;Then repeating the same detrimental behaviors over and over again for life, sustained in this perpetual motion by something so simple and harmless looking as "Hope" must fall at the Devil's hands

A wolf in sheep's clothing sprinkled in fairy dust The worst of thoughts and beliefs are kept alive by Hope Hope is a disease; a psychological virus A damaged idea spreading from person to person, hijacking their system, and infecting their thoughts For Hope is not a singular idea, isolated in seclusion, yet ultimately wrapped up and packaged out with other ideas No, Hope is the vehicle that all thoughts that follow must ride in and by which be delivered It is the Uber for ideas that follow And like an unscrupulous and unpitying Uber driver, Hope takes your brain to a secluded spot against its will and does as it so pleases But unlike survivors of such horrific events I, like a wide eyed doe in the headlights I continuously expose myself to the exact same scenarios over andover again

But not to worry

Eventually, Hope will lose its magic And the void created will be filled

By,

Regret,Resentment,Animosity,Self-doubt,Self-loathing,

And worst of all,

Denial

Denial is Hope's evil twin

The not so secret malicious trickster who, even though wears his emotions somewhat more clearly, is still capable of a lifetime of successful pranks

But unlike Hope, Denial doesn't always reveal his trick if the tricked has yet to become aware of the ruse Instead, Denial will let them build Stack upon stack A colossal suspension bridge built and supported on Denial And when I, with blind faith, cross that bridge Putting everything and anything on the line, without question That's when Denial delivers its reckoning And in one all encompassing swoop it swallows me whole and any resemblance of "life" with it

Hope and Denial My Atlantic and Pacific Oceans and Me, a tiny island Flanked on either side by the endless majesty of each And like this planet, I too, Am a sphere spinning A tiny island against the enormities of the the deep blue A shipwrecked survivor Floating on the driftwood of my subconscious Left to the will of my environment A helpless passenger on this ship of life Constantly spinning between Hope and Denial Some days calm and sereneOthers, tormented by stormsMonster waves, Flashes of lightning, Ear shattering crackling explosions of thunderAnd howling winds so fierce they must be the breath of God

And regardless of what scenario lays before me, I'm left repeatedly with the same "choice" and same action

Enveloped with fear, Hanging on for dear life, Like a helpless and horrified child.....

A sprinkle of beauty,to deny being pretty?,Sunned by His grace,shown in her ways,A drop of stubbornness,something I'd care less,Shy or humble,Resist what she's able,To make me rage seeing her diamond tears,To turn me blue as I see her suffer,To cure my heartache and my fears,To stun me as I gaze upon her,Though I've crestfallened hard enough,Will she realise what she's made of?Unsure of what my Lord had created,A curse...or a blessing which will never sate.

Most beauty are denied or not admitted.Maybe beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.But personally,I feel dissatisfied by this.

And I forced myself to stay with youI told myself that this heart beating,This butterfly in my mouth,Is of love .I didn't tell myself that it was of the panic you ensued,I didn’t tell myself that it was of the weeds you planted in me,I didn’t tell myself that it was of the poison ivy that replaced my walls.I don’t know when I’ll be able to convince myself that I’ve had enough

I cry silently-Afraid that if you hear my cries, you’ll do something unimaginable.

Our love was waterRefreshing but it left me needing more to surviveThe words you spoke were intoxicatingI became easily addictedOur relationship ended a year agoI'm still thinking about youI shouldn't have leftYou loved me more than yourselfShowed tenderness and compassionThis letter was supposed to be an im thinking of youNot that I still love youI miss you Do you miss me still?

LoveYour girl

no no...

Dear ex...

Why must you run through my mindDipping into the inner pools of my serendipityNight fall brings no comfortAs I rest my eyes for a deep slumberI'm still startled awake by remnants of a 3 am phone callWaiting to see missed call displayed across a bright screenAnd a voice mail engaging in another pointless fight you createdPlease leave a message after the....Baby wake upYou're supposed to answerI'll be waiting for you to come overI need to find sweet releaseGive me what I needOr else there'll be **** to payMy memories of you have a few genuinely blissful moments But those are over shadowed by gruesome visuals and agonyI stuck through everything you did So I wouldn't have to hear how worthless i wasAnd that I wouldn't find better than youI stuck around hoping that I could admire the roses wrapped in a walmart bagonly to realize it would only be one time I received thembecause you had toand they were the result of a heartfelt apology that would cut deeper than the thorns I held too tightlycrying over the hatred I felt for youas blood darker than the red roses trickled down my ivory skin I hate youbut I will always hate myself more

With regardsYour ex

no no....

Dear abuser....This will be the final draft of the several letters I ripped up in the trashYou don't deserve itBut you kept invading my peaceSo here's what you wantedHere's your ******* closure

I loved you Before you turned into the demon you swore you never wouldBecause a man that calls himself a Christian would never do what you did to me right?Stories were told of girls you damagedWhy was I so naive to believe they were liesIt was that cunning smile and sugar coated words Making a man that could do no wrong in publicBut a monster behind closed doorsProving the stories weren't lies

You showed me love wasn't one found in moviesIt was never going to be a fairytale I longed forNo Love was shown when my clothes were off and I was submissiveStill knowing the touch of your coarse hands Running across my skin when a slight breeze hits the airI've scrubbed my skin raw with hopes I wouldn't but to no prevailLove was holes punched in the dry wall above my headLove was loving what my body over my mind had to offerYou told me love was ***But *** never meant loveLove wouldn't leave me shaking alone in your bedHoping the door didn't fly open in rageThat i forgot to say good morningScared whether the day would bring a fake happinessOr Knowing our true love was another fist to the gutWith tears flowing out of mascara blackened eyesAs you took what you wantedAgainAgainAgainPleading intensified your ****Tears got you offMy pain was only valid when it was able to make you gleam Your true smile was only shown with my back pressed against a hard box springI love you was only whispered when you were finishedBut don't get me wrong that was love....

This is immediateEveryday, hour Every time, every moment Accompanying a lack of denialOr refusal, is a confidence My head is level Eyes are straight Heart is a little off beatEven still, Keeping possessed by this thoughtful nature andthe usher cast for a mind under clouds Those chords from those organs Equal:My understanding My forecast My disbeliefMy expectedMy growth My overthrown My burn My yearnBut I do deny what is known from hearing the beingAnd seeing what I was hearing Held my place for seasoning to marinade and stew in A well rehearsed And tirelessly versed Can’t deny how much comes and what is earnedis now learnedForever renouncing any feels of the spurnedLaid this body down over puddles in stormsIn a wonder what will formThat's the drive most importantOnly the girl,She's all that really ever matters, only this one