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Boy Rant: Rainy Days and Binders

Boy, do I have a story for you guys today! And that’s exactly what this post is about boys…. thee questionable species of this earth. Lol sorry if you’re a guy reading this, but really why do you guys have to be so confusing??

So should I just jump right into the post, ok I’m jumping, here we go.

It’s a rainy Thursday morning, with the headlights glowing nice red and yellow. The scenery is oh so beautiful, there are tiny droplets of rain in my hair, everything is going perfectly.

Oh so wrong. I was late to school because a. we started from home late and b. there was rain.

I walked into first period, which was Modern World… and there were no seats.

So my teacher, who is very energetic and nice, is like “Oh, here you go there’s a desk over there.” And there was an empty desk… next to Phoenix. If you don’t know who Phoenix is here you go: he’s the new guy I like. My life is a joke, right? Well there was no seat at the desk. So he and my teacher get a chair for me. The pencil sharpener was on top of the chair and Phoenix just dusted off the pencil sharpenings (it’s a word for me lol) for me and put the chair at the desk so I could sit down, I mean any guy would do that for me, right? Nope. No other guy would do that for me, except him. U.G.H.

Apparently we had a test in Modern World, I don’t know why I said apparently, I knew we had a test. But I didn’t know what else to say to him to start a conversation.

Actually you guys, I DID START THE CONVERSATION! ME Girl with ANXIETY! It was just a little thing. His photography binder was on his desk (I know it was his photography binder cause we’re in the same class, I’m not that kind of person) And we had this project where we strip our binders down to the cardboard and paste a new design on it using magazine clippings and glue. It was due this past Monday and his still had cardboard, and I said “You didn’t finish?” And he laughed and said “No.” He told me he would finish it later. The binder is very crucial to the story, and it gives me anxiety just talking about it, but that’s later in the story.

Ok so back to the test part. I said to him, acting dubious “We have a test today!??” And he literally s.a.v.e.d. m.e.

He told me the stuff I needed to know, in the 3 minutes we had to quickly study. Somehow, I was able to retain the information even though he was like pointing at my study sheet which terms I need to know. He also gave me these test tricks to remember little things, for example, we were learning about religion and he told me to think about the sun for this one term, and it literally did help me from getting another REDO on my paper.

He’s still genuinely nice. And that really doesn’t help my case…

We talked about the test, after we turned it in, and the answers we each put. I kept trying to remind myself that he had a girlfriend, but I didn’t really care at this point. But I’m not that kind of person, it was just so nice to talk and have a conversation without my anxiety poking and prodding at me like “Does he even remember you?” “Does he even remember you?” He doesn’t like you anymore.” It’s a relief to shut down all those questions.

We had a nice talk about religion. Which I’m kind of nervous to talk about, because people have such different opinions to what you believe in. But apparently, he believes in God and reads the Bible. And it was so cool to talk to him about it. Like he didn’t judge my beliefs and of course I didn’t judge his.

That was the majority of the class, we talked about simple stuff like our chemistry class, algebra, how he memorized roman numerals which is something I could never do.

It was just nice to talk to him. And when class was over, I actually said bye to him instead of awkwardly walking away or being unsure of what to say (Ok I was contemplating it for like 5 seconds but it turned out okay 🙂 )

So this is where the complicated stuff begins.

I could not concentrate at all in my next class, which was Algebra. I was thinking so much about the things that literally just happened and my feelings. Then, I remembered something. I put my binder in the desk I was sitting at, in Modern World. Did I forget it there?

I checked my backpack. Yep I did.

So some slight anxiety started, then I just reminded myself that I can go back to my classroom at the end of Algebra.

Then I remembered he left his photography binder in the desk I was sitting at too, because his desk was turned around.

What if he got his and saw mine? Did he pick it up? Would he? Did he forget it too?

I went back to my Modern World class and…. my binder was in the desk. And right there next to mine was his. So many questions and even more anxiety built up.

The main one being: What do I do?

Do I just leave it there?

The nice person in me, who I blame sometimes (I blamed her a lot today), was like I should take it with me. Because he wasn’t even close to finishing, and it was due Monday, I didn’t want to just leave it there hopelessly done, and I know the feeling of realizing when you left something and being like “Oh crap, what am I gonna do?” So I figured I should keep it in my backpack and give it to him in Chemistry, which was after lunch. But of course I could never hand it to him, so I thought I would just leave it on his desk.

It was kind of weird carrying it in my backpack. I was just carrying one of his belongings in my bag. I was kind of blaming myself for being such a nice person. But my best friend really helped me. I vented to her (she doesn’t know I like him, I’m just kind of scared to admit it to someone who’s there in the moment, I can tell my other friend, texting her, who goes to another school, only because it’s like she’s not in the situation physically) and she told me that it was a good thing that I got the binder. And I told her we have to leave early for our next period, for Chem, and her just being there helped me so much.

So, I go to Chem kind of early, when there are only 4 people in the class. So I get the binder out and put it on his desk. He came a few minutes late to class, I didn’t want to look at him or acknowledge the fact that I did what I did. I’m so stupid, lol because I really thought he would think it was like a miracle or something, oh my gosh really Rebecca? I saw, out of my peripheral vision, that he was confused and was wondering where his binder came from. I think he looked at me, but I didn’t want to look at him so I just pretended I was focused on something and had no idea what was happening.

I didn’t want to look at him for 2 reasons. The first one being that it was a weird anxious situation for me. And two, while I was sitting at the lunch table, eating my food, right BEFORE chem I saw him walking with his girlfriend. And that was this huge reminder from life or whatever that I need to remind myself why I’m doing this, and what I’m exactly doing.

I still have these conflicting feelings, of course I had to leave chem as soon as the bell rang. Because I didn’t want him to, if he was going to, ask me if I left the binder on his desk. Because that would be too much for me.

Sometimes your good deeds don’t need recognition.

How am I feeling? I’m doing ok. I texted the friend that I mentioned above about it, and she literally gives the best advice. She told me that if my feelings end up being stronger, then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there and I should just see where the friendship goes.

All I know is that it was really nice talking to him. And I don’t even really know if these feelings are platonic or not. It might just be me wanting to get over “Him.” Whom I don’t think I have feelings for anymore, but I don’t know.

When did life get all complicated?

But thankfully, my best friend’s birthday was today, and I went to her birthday party. It was just comforting to forget about Phoenix and me overthinking about him to focus on her celebration.

At the end of the party, after going home, which is now, present me, (Hi!), I’m doing much better. After school I was overthinking too much about the binder thing. Looking back, it’s hard to believe that I actually did that, but I mean hey I was born a nice person, this is who I am and I’m happy I’m this way and not the opposite.

I just… I wish I knew what path I was heading on.

Welp, that was my boy rant, I think it’s been the most eventful one out of any. Like always, thank you for listening to me talk and talk and talk, you, reader, are much appreciated.

Well the Bible kind of gives us this description of Heaven. But I’ve always just seen it as this place where there’s going to be eternal happiness and where I can spend time with the one person who has carried me through life and finally meet Him 🙂 If you have any more questions about this I’ll be more than glad to answer them!