A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Visit to the DoctorA woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.""Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?""Well, yes, but only once.""Once is all it takes" he replied.

Then the torso came out and it was yellow."Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?""Well, yes" she said, "but only once.""Once is all it takes," he said.

When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian."Well, yes" she said, "but only once.""Once is all it takes," he said.

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.""What was the result?""It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a s*hit. So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a s*hit in his hat. He couldn't leave his hat there because he had his name on it. He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man. He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat.

The guy said, “It's a hurt bird.”

The police officer said, “Let me see the bird.”

The man said, “I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away.”

The police officer said, “Let me see the bird.”

The man said, “I can't - if I take my hand away it will fly away.” They kept that up for about five minutes.

Then the police officer got mad and asked him one more time. “Take your hand away and I will reach in really fast and the bird won't fly away!”

The guy said, “Alright.” And he slowly removed his hand.

The police officer reached in and grabbed a handful of [deleted] and asked the man, “What is this?”

A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about one penny.'' Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about a second.'' Then the man asked. ''Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?'' God replied, ''Sure, just wait a sec.''

Two Woyannes came to the U.S. for vacation and to enjoy the money they looted. A few days later they decided to go to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate highway when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They turned around and went home.