How to Decode Party Lingo

When the cup brimmeth over with booze and the lip speweth politesse at everyone in sight at a party, the "slips" are bound to be abound.

However, if those around you aren't witty and/or diplomatic enough to reword their instinctive not-so-nice thoughts, panic not.

Refer to this 'what they say' and 'what they mean' guide:

What they say: Daaahling, you've lost so much weight. You look absolutely gorgeous!What they mean: Bitch! I'm sure you're bulimic. Look at those ghastly sunken cheeks and skeletal collarbones; that dress would be better off on a hanger.

What they say: Sweeeeeeeeeeeeetieeeeee! You're glowing? What have you been upto, naughty naughty?What they mean: S&^$! Wh&@#! You really think everyone in this room doesn't know that you change boyfriends like you change lingerie.

What they say: Whoa! How do you manage to pull it off - actually look younger with each passing day?What they mean: Look at your botoxed face, you old hag. You really think I haven't heard about lunchtime shots to zap crow's feet and laugh lines?

What they say: What a sexxxxxxxxxxxy outfit? Trust you to stand out at any party!What they mean: Yikes. How can you not realise you look like something the cat dragged in? Anyway, good for us. The lesser the competition, the better, nah?

What they say: I loooooooove your bag (eyes the Fendi/LV you've been toting around).What they mean: That bag's got fake written all over it. Did you, like, pick it up from Chor Bazaar for 100 bucks?

What they say: Some capacity; you can really hold your drink. Hats off!What they mean: You drunk skank, another peg and you'll be puking your out guts out.

What they say: You can't leave so soon. Stay!What they mean: Oh, leave already. Do you, like, plan on setting up home here?

So, next time don't think she's your party best bud. Read between the lines - dahlin'!