One of the trickiest parts of a divorce for parents is breaking the news of the separation to the kids. The issues are different depending on the ages of your children but it is always an important conversation. I wrote a very comprehensive guide to how to prepare for and handle this situation on our Lakeway divorce site, you can view the post here.

The guide covers general suggestions that apply to all situations regardless of age and has additional specific tips that are applicable to preschool age children, elementary school age children and teenagers. If you or someone close to you is in this position I really recommend you take a look at this guide for some tips on how to handle this discussion in a way that will best help your child deal with it.

]]>http://houstondivorce.com/blog/2014/10/break-news-of-divorce-to-your-kids/feed/3Five Benefits of Retaining a Lawyer in a “Quickie Divorce”http://houstondivorce.com/blog/2013/05/guest-post-five-benefits-of-retaining-lawyer-quickie-divorce/
http://houstondivorce.com/blog/2013/05/guest-post-five-benefits-of-retaining-lawyer-quickie-divorce/#commentsMon, 13 May 2013 20:03:35 +0000http://houstondivorce.com/blog/?p=347

This is a guest blog by Katie Lammers, a family law attorney at Heimerl & Lammers in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Katie has handled hundreds of family law cases throughout her legal career and she relishes the opportunity to fight for her clients’ rights.

Every divorce is different. Some divorces can be quick and painless, while others are longer than both parties anticipated. No matter how the divorce plays out, saving money is usually a priority for the separating couple. Sometimes clients believe they can save money by neglecting to hire an attorney because both parties have agreed how divide the assets and debts in their divorce. While reaching an agreement with your spouse may help speed up the divorce, it is still important to consider hiring an attorney to assist you in the process. Below, we’ll explain five reasons why it’s important to hire an attorney during your “quickie divorce.”

Paperwork Can Cause Delays

One of the main reasons people opt for a quickie divorce is because they want to move on with their life as soon as possible. By hiring a lawyer, you’ll save yourself the time of filling out the legal paperwork, and you’ll ensure that you won’t miss an important filing or deadline. Your attorney will be able to ease your mind when it comes to the legal side of the divorce, and they’ll make sure everything is drafted and filed correctly. If you miss a deadline, you could end up tacking on days, weeks or even months to your marriage. You also may have to take a day off of work in order to make a rescheduled court appearance if you forget to file a document.

Long-Term Implications

The majority of couples seeking a divorce are doing so for the first time. Because of this, most people don’t know how the legalities of divorce will impact them down the road. An attorney can helped explain what lies ahead, and they can offer tips and insights that a person without an attorney would not have known.

You Might Not Actually Agree

This is an important point that arises all too often during the course of a divorce. While you and your spouse may have come to a verbal agreement, things may change when the ink hits the paper. If your spouse suddenly decides they want the house or car, you can be stuck at a standstill, which only lengthens the separation process. A divorce attorney can clearly and fairly outline the assets and debts, and they can help mediate if disagreements arise. If you and your spouse truly agree on everything, then the attorney can quickly draft the right paperwork to expedite the divorce.

Your Spouse Hires an Attorney

If your spouse hires an attorney, it should be a sign that you should hire one as well. Now, just because your spouse hires an attorney doesn’t mean he or she is trying to rip you off, but in these situations it’s best to have someone who is experienced with family law look over the documents your spouse’s attorney drafts. Your attorney will ensure that your best interests are at heart. Also, some people believe they can hire one attorney to represent both sides. This is problematic because as an attorney, we are trained to fight tooth and nail for our client. Imagine if the same attorney was asked to represent both the prosecution and the defense in a criminal trial. It wouldn’t work, because the attorney couldn’t put one client’s interests ahead of the other.

Divorce is Complex

While you and your spouse may agree on who get gets the house and how you’ll share custody of the kids, there are plenty of complex assets that need to be divided in a divorce. Many people overlook assets like 401k accounts, pension plans, and retirement benefits, and they forget to account for spousal payments, car payments, or loan debt. An attorney will make sure every asset is divided fairly, they’ll ensure you get all the benefits you’re entitled to receive.

]]>http://houstondivorce.com/blog/2013/05/guest-post-five-benefits-of-retaining-lawyer-quickie-divorce/feed/4Guest Post – What to do During a Traffic Stophttp://houstondivorce.com/blog/2013/05/guest-post-what-to-do-during-a-traffic-stop/
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Almost everyone deals with getting pulled over for speeding or some other minor traffic violation. A lot of people are unnerved when this happens and not sure how to handle it. Today we have a guest post by Andrew Flusche on just this subject. Andrew is a Virginia lawyer who helps drivers fight their tickets forreckless driving in Virginia. He is also the author of the five-star book, Fight Your Virginia Reckless Driving Ticket. Circle Andrew on Google+. Let’s hear Andrew’s advice on the subject:

If you’re stopped by the police for a traffic violation, you’re mind is probably racing. What did you do wrong? What is the officer going to ask you? Some people may be trying to remember if they have any contraband in the vehicle.

What to do?

Here are my simple tips for handling a traffic stop:

1. Stop promptly and safely

As soon as an officer signals for you to pull over, turn on your turn signal and reduce your speed. THEN begin looking for a safe place to pull over.

But don’t keep driving long. You’re not going to find a perfect spot, so just pick the closest place where you can try to be out of the travel lane and stop.

It’s better for the officer to ask you to move somewhere else than for him to think you’re trying to run.

2. Be polite

Throughout your interaction with the officer, be polite. He’s just an underpaid public servant who’s trying to do his job. And if he comes off rude to you, it may be that the last person he encountered was a complete jerk.

Being polite to the officer can only help you. And you can bet that he’ll tell the judge if you’re rude.

3. Shut up

You’ve all heard police reading people their rights on TV. The first one being, “You have the right to remain silent.”

Here’s the deal: the police don’t read your rights during a routine traffic stop. But you DO have the right to remain silent. And anything you say WILL be used against you in court.

Keep your mouth shut! Talking about the accident you just had or how many beers you had at dinner will hurt you at court.

4. Produce your documents

Depending upon your state, the officer is going to ask for some documents from you. Usually you’re at least required to produce your license and registration.

It’s a good idea to have your documents handy as soon as the officer walks up. Fumbling around for a registration card can actually be one fact used by the officer to establish grounds to arrest you for DUI. You definitely don’t want to encourage that type of situation.

5. Wait patiently

The officer knows you have somewhere to be. In most cases, he’s going to try to finish the stop ASAP. Part of being polite is waiting patiently while he does his job.

6. Pull away carefully

When the stop is over, it’s time to continue your trip. I’ve had clients who peeled out and others who almost ran over the officer’s foot. You don’t want the judge to hear that testimony from the officer.

Wait until the officer is away from your vehicle (preferably back in his cruiser), and then carefully make your way back into traffic. You’ll be glad you played it safe.

Today we have as a guest blogger Adam Rosenblum of the Rosenblum Law Firm. His firm handles a lot of criminal cases including traffic defense. In today’s post he explains how failure to pay your child support can lead to a suspended license. please note that Mr. Rosenblum is licensed in New Jersey so the specific laws do not apply in Texas. However, just about every state in the country (including Texas) has a statute on the books allowing for the possibility of a suspended license as a penalty for failure to pay your child support. The obvious lesson is to pay your child support. Here is Mr. Rosenblum’s post:

Paying child support is the responsibility of every parent across America. Each state has varying laws with regards to legal matters involving families. One law that many states have adopted is suspending an individual’s driving privileges when that person fails to make child support payments.

Individuals that fail to meet their child support obligations can find themselves in pretty deep trouble with the law, especially when they realize their privilege to drive has been suspended. If you fail to pay your child support obligation you can be driving on a suspended license and be committing a pretty serious crime. It’s important to understand your state’s laws on the issue and keep a lookout for any notices in the mail that might state your driving privileges are facing suspension.

The obligation to pay child support is one that can follow you to any state across America. Once your home state suspends your privileges every other state should honor the suspension.

What Is The Law With Failure To Pay Child Support?

For example in New York, Vehicle and Traffic Law (VTL) Section 510 outlines the law regarding a suspended license because of a failure to pay child support. In part the law states suspension and disqualification for failure to make child Support payments or failure to comply with a summons, subpoena or warrant relating to a paternity or child support proceeding. (1) The commissioner, on behalf of the department, shall enter into a written agreement with the commissioner of the office of temporary and disability assistance, on behalf of the office of temporary and disability assistance, which shall set forth the procedures for suspending the driving privileges of individuals who have failed to make payments of child support or combined child and spousal support”.

A plain reading of the law in New York shows that the Department of Social Services is obligated to report a failure to pay child support to the Commissioner of the Department of Motor Vehicles in New York. If you are found to not have paid child support for a period of 4 months in New York, then your driving privileges will be suspended. As mentioned previously driving with a suspended license can possibly leave you facing criminal charges, heavy fines, penalties and increased insurance premiums. Criminal convictions in New York are permanent.

What Should I Do If I Have Received A Notice In The Mail That My License Is Suspended For Failure To Pay Child Support?

If you are being charged with failure to pay child support and your driving privileges are to be suspended then you should contact a local experienced traffic defense attorney. An attorney may be able to stop your privileges from being suspended and help you keep your license. An attorney has experience dealing with the courts, Department of Motor Vehicles and any other administrative agency like the Office of Child Support Services to help keep you on the road.

I don’t usually blog about celebrity divorces but I have been inundated with news stories about the Kardashian divorce for more than a year now so I am feeling a little bit celebratory upon hearing of a settlement. With all the money involved in the case it would be logical to assume that the reason the case took so long to resolve was that the parties were squabbling over who got what. In this case I think it was actually more a case of Kris Humphries (the NBA player husband) being a bit angry about the circumstances and using delay as a way to get under the skin of his now-pregnant soon-to-be ex-wife. He makes close to $10 million a year playing for the Nets and Kardashian also makes a huge amount of money doing…well, I’m not exactly sure what she does but I am sure she makes a lot doing it. So given that the marriage only lasted a couple of months and they both have annual incomes that are more than the GDP of some third world countries, I don’t think the property division was a big motivating factor for either of them.

According to reports the settlement was brought on by Humphries’ failure to appear in court for a mandatory settlement conference. This led to the judge “encouraging” him to settle which then happened on the courthouse steps. The lesson here is to not irritate the judge who will be deciding your case. Hopefully this will be the final Kardashian news that I report on in this blog.

We have a treat today, marriage expert Mort Fertel is our guest blogger. He is the author of “Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building & Maintaining Phenomenal Love” and a very big name in the field of marriage improvement and in today’s post he discusses how people can fix their marriages and avoid divorce. So here’s Mort:

For more than a decade now I’ve helped thousands of marriages come back from the brink of divorce. In this blog post, I want to offer some insight into how.

I want to start with an email I received from a man who was in the Lone Ranger Track of my Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. Here’s the email…

Dear Mort,

Trish and I were high school sweethearts and have lived what appeared to her to be a “Cunningham” life for 25 years. I have a successful career, our kids are normal, and Trish made wonderful holiday celebrations for us throughout the years.

But things were not as ideal as they seemed. After the kids were born, Trish turned all her love and attention to them while neglecting me. This left me vulnerable and I had 5 affairs (some real relationships) over the past 15 years.

Long story short, Trish found out one month ago about my recent one, and I confessed to the others. She’s devastated and accuses me of ruining her life and being a fake.

I have severed all my other relationships, apologized 100 times, and dramatically changed my ways. I’ve made so many mistakes, but I’ve truly changed and I’m ready to be completely faithful forever. The problem is: Trish wants a divorce.

Trish says she cannot get over my affairs and the lying. She says she needs to start with a clean slate with someone who has not cheated on her or lied to her.

There’s so much more, but my question (really my wife’s question) is this: Why should she try to renew our marriage and deal with all this pain rather than starting again with someone new who hasn’t been unfaithful?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Frank Z.

Basically, Trish is asking why she should even try to restore her marriage rather than start fresh with someone new.

I can understand her point of view. Right now in her marriage there’s so much pain, baggage, and a mountain of hurt to heal.

Is it possible to come back from such an ordeal?

Doesn’t it make sense to just start over with someone else?

The trauma of discovering that your husband of 25 years and high school sweetheart has been living a lie (even a double life) is no small matter. We’re dealing here with more than just infidelity. We’re dealing with a woman who woke up 25 years later to the cold fact that her life as she knew it was not really as she knew it. This can cause not only the usual pain of being violated by an unfaithful husband, but an identity crisis too.

I think it’s hard to identify with the suffering that Trish is going through. Although I’m going to offer some “reasons” why she should to make her marriage work, I don’t want to appear to be insensitive to Trish’s situation. If Trish can’t handle her station in life and can only cope by starting with someone new, I would not fault her. My job is easy compared to Trish’s challenge. My job is to understand the circumstances and ARTICULATE a path to renewal. Trish’s challenge is to walk that path. I’d prefer my job any day of the week.

Having said that, I think there are good reasons for Trish to consider investing in her current relationship rather than simply starting a new one.

The first thing that grabbed my attention in Frank’s email was that Trish learned about Frank’s infidelity only one month ago.

The chances are good that Trish is still in shock. She may not know it. She may think she’s thinking clearly. But there’s simply no way that a woman who wakes up to the reality of this situation only one month ago could be in a healthy state of mind to make a decision to break up her family.

Let me put it this way: If Trish were my daughter, I would advise her NOT to make any decision now. That’s the best decision sometimes…the decision NOT to decide.

Trish should take some time to process what’s happened, let it sink in, think, talk with her husband, discuss the situation with professionals, and allow the shock of the circumstances to pass.

She should allow herself to reach a state a mind that’s reliable for sound decision making. In situations like these that takes time. And there are no short cuts. It just takes time.

There’s no rush to make a decision to divorce. Trish can always decide to divorce. She never loses that right. She always has that option. But once she pulls that trigger, there’s no going back. Once it’s over, it’s over.

I can hear Trish saying, “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. What’s the purpose of waiting? My feelings will never change.”

I have no doubt that Trish FEELS 100% sure. I believe she has clarity in her heart. But this is not a time for confidence. It’s a time for humility.

Trish is at a time in her life when she should consider professional opinions and other people’s experiences. It’s normal for a person’s mind to snap into clarity in the midst of chaos. It’s a defense mechanism. Sometimes it’s the only way for a person to cope. But months later it’s not unusual for that clarity to turn to confusion. Then what? What if Trish already filed for divorce, threw her husband out, and announced her plans to family and friends? Now Trish and Frank will have another problem and that is: Even if Trish wanted to try to reconcile, how could she save face?

I’m not saying that divorcing is the wrong decision for Trish. And I’m not saying that it’s a slam dunk for her to restore her marriage. Maybe divorcing is the right decision. Maybe her marriage is irreparable. I don’t know. But that’s my point. At this stage of the relationship, no one could possibly know…including Trish. Everything is just too raw. To make a decision to break-up her family at this point is impulsive and borders on irresponsible (there are children involved).

Furthermore, Trish believes that she’ll be safer in a relationship with someone who has not cheated on her and lied to her. I understand her FEELING. However, I suggest that the OPPOSITE is true.

Based on his email, it appears that Frank has really changed. I believe he’s a new man. And I’ve often seen people transform themselves after getting the “I want a divorce” wake up call. Unless Frank is a pathological liar or a sex addict, he’s LESS LIKELY to make the same mistake again compared to someone whose track record is clean.

According to a 1998 survey by researchers at the University of Chicago, about 25 percent of married men and 17 percent of married women in the United States ADMIT to having been unfaithful. The noted author Shirley Glass’ research suggests it is probably closer to 25 percent of women and 40 to 50 percent of men! That means, according to author and researcher Shirley Glass, that starting from scratch gives Trish a 50% chance of finding another husband who will remain faithful.

Now I ask you, at this point in his life, given all he’s been through and learned, what are the chances that Frank will screw up again? If Trish gave him another chance, what’s the likelihood that Frank will make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family years before? In my opinion, it’s dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it’s slim to none.

If Trish were to leave Frank, I think Las Vegas would give her LOWER odds that this sort of thing would never happen to her again.

Here lies an unfortunate irony. People wait years and years for their spouse to wake up and make some changes. Then when they finally do it, they’re told it’s too late.

I understand why someone would feel, after being cheated on, for example, that “it’s too late.” But the fact of the matter is that they’re about to walk away from a person who is FINALLY prepared to be a wonderful loving spouse. In my experience, it’s these people, people who have made grave mistakes, who have had the harshest wake up calls, who become the BEST spouses and are capable, more than anyone else, of forging the MOST fulfilling relationships.

Do you see the irony here?

It’s the mistakes that ruin relationships that transform the sinners into people capable of the most outstanding relationships. The unfortunate thing for the victim is that they don’t know how to heal from the hurt that would enable them to reap the benefit of their ordeal.

So the roles become reversed. The person who was ruining the relationship stands ready to transform it; while the person who wanted to work on the relationship all along becomes the cog in the wheel that inhibits true love.

In other words, Trish has a choice. If she lets Frank go, he’ll most likely fall in love with another woman and treat her like a queen. He’ll be the husband to his new wife that Trish always wanted him to be to her. I’ve seen it happen too often. Some lucky woman owes a poor victim a debt of gratitude. But Trish has another option. She could forgive Frank and become that lucky woman!

My blessing to you is that you never find yourself in Trish and Frank’s shoes, but that you be inspired by Frank’s transformation and transform yourself long before you get any wake up call that might threaten your family.

Mort Fertel is a world authority on the psychology of relationships and has an international reputation for saving marriages. In addition to working with couples, he teaches individuals how to single-handedly transform their marital situation.

]]>http://houstondivorce.com/blog/2013/03/mort-fertel/feed/1What is the Best Interest of the Child Custody Standard?http://houstondivorce.com/blog/2013/03/best-interest-child-custody-standard/
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The following is a guest post on behalf of the Cantor Law Group, a prominent Phoenix divorce firm.

When it comes to determining the custody of a child in a custody proceeding, the courts will typically use the best interests of the child doctrine. This is often used when a married couple chooses to divorce there are one or more children involved or if a child has been born outside of marriage. Using this concept, the court will determine who the child lives with, how much contact the child will have with each parent and whether child support is granted to one of the parents.

The concept of best interest is a relatively new one. Even until the 1900s, the father was automatically given custody of any child in the case of a divorce. Mothers were granted custody later on, and eventually the courts began to favor them due to a new doctrine called Tender Years.

The best interest doctrine is used for visitation as well. When grandparents seek court-ordered visitation, the judge considers whether or not it is best for the child to grant visitation. Sometimes the judge rules that it is in the child’s best interest for the parent to allow the grandparent no access, whereas others will rule that a grandparent’s presence will help the child.

Joint, legal and physical custody are affected by the best interest doctrine. If the child is old enough and understands the concept of custody, the judge is likely to ask the child what he or she wants. While the other parent will maintain part of the legal custody, the other will have more physical custody. The court will also examine the physical and emotional needs of the child, in addition to school issues. The judge is unlikely to rule that one parent has a large amount of physical custody if it will interfere with the child’s time at school. If one parent demands that the child spend more time with him or her, the judge may determine that the change is too drastic and not in the best interest in the child.

Ultimately, the court will examine all the relevant factors associated with each parent as well as how the child will be affected. The end goal is to have the child emotionally and physically safe.

We always hear about mistakes that parents make while going through a divorce. There are many ways to do it wrong and no one does it perfectly. But instead of focusing on the myriad of things you can mess up when it comes to divorce and your kids let’s change the focus and get some ideas on exactly what you should do. Pyschcentral.com wrote an excellent post on exactly this topic that I would recommend to you if you are interested in the subject. The article is here.

Some of the suggestions involve focusing on your children, recognize the signs of your children’s stress, and give them a certain amount of control over their own lives. Take a look at the article and feel free to post your comments on the subject below, along with any thoughts or suggestions you may have on how to best help your children cope with the stress of divorce.

]]>http://houstondivorce.com/blog/2013/02/divorcing-parent-help-children/feed/0A Close Relationship With Your In-Laws is Good For Your Marriage…Or Is It?http://houstondivorce.com/blog/2013/01/close-relationship-in-laws/
http://houstondivorce.com/blog/2013/01/close-relationship-in-laws/#commentsSat, 05 Jan 2013 22:06:06 +0000http://houstondivorce.com/blog/?p=231

A 26 year long marriage study by the University of Michigan uncovered some very interesting and surprising facts about the impact that each spouse’s relationship with the in-laws had on that couple’s likelihood of divorce. This was first reported in the Wall Street Journal.

Impact of Husband’s Relationship with In-Laws

As one might expect, a close relationship between husband and his in-laws (the wife’s parents) was beneficial. The divorce rate for couples in this scenario was 20% lower as compared to couples where the husband did not have an especially close relationship with the in-laws. Not especially surprising and one would likely assume this to be the case. It makes sense that couples with close extended families would be happy, better-functioning, and have less likelihood of divorce. I’m picturing a Norman Rockwell painting with a large extended family all having a happy meal together.

Impact of Wife’s Relationship with In-Laws

Now let’s consider the other side of the coin. If the wife had a close relationship with her in-laws (husband’s parents) this would logically yield the same result – less likelihood of divorce, right?

Not so fast, according to this study. Couples where the wife had a close relationship with the in-laws actually had a 20% higher incidence of divorce!

Why Such Different Results?

According to the researchers, the reason for the disparity between the genders is clear. Most husbands do not consider their role as husband and parent as their primary role. They identify themselves more as a provider and deep-down see their roles as husband and parent as secondary to that. Thus, when the in-law offers some suggestion (read: criticism) of how to handle the children or take care of their house, they do not take it as personally as they would if they viewed their primary role as caretaker.

Women on the other hand, according to the study’s authors, nearly always see their primary role as wife and mother, even if they have a very successful career. So when the grandparents offer their input (read: criticism) of some child-rearing issue, the wife is often very offended and feels as though the in-laws are overstepping their bounds.

Interesting findings, to be sure. I have had many, many cases where my client listed “meddling, trouble-making in-laws” as one of the primary issues in the marriage that led to divorce. Anecdotally, these clients have almost all been female.

Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below, whether you agree or disagree with the study’s findings and any personal experiences you have had with in-laws and your marriage.

A recent Norwegian study found that in couples who equally shared the housework the divorce rate was 50% higher! Now before we extrapolate too much from the study, we should note that the study was based on Norway couples only. Thus, their cultural norms play a significant role in their national divorce rates.

But still, 50% is pretty shocking.

Is Housework the Real Culprit?

The author of the study concluded that the actual housework was not really the underlying cause of the higher divorce rate. Instead, it was more a byproduct of a more typical modern couple as compared to a couple who were married 20 or 30 years ago. Traditionally, a married couple in Norway was more likely to have a male bread-winner spouse and a female spouse who raised the kids and took care of the house. Now, a modern married couple is much more likely to have two income-earners with a fairly equal division of childcare and household responsibilities. Sounds a bit like how things have evolved in the U.S., doesn’t it?

Or is it Just the Modern State of Marriage?

The more traditional couples were more likely to have a more “permanent” view of marriage regardless of the circumstances, while the modern couples were more likely to exit the marriage if the circumstances led them to that decision. Additionally, you can’t underestimate the difference it makes when the wife has a career and income of her own. In that situation she has options that her traditional counterpart did not.

I’m Not Willing to Take Any Chances

While the study findings really just support an obvious transition in the permanence of marriages that has occurred over the years, I can’t help but go back to the specific finding in the report: a 50% higher divorce rate if the household chores are shared equally.

So I think the next time my wife asks me to help clean up the kitchen after dinner I will have to say, “sorry honey, I love you too much to put our marriage at risk. I’m going to go watch the game.” I’ll let you know how that goes.