Monday, November 21, 2005

Geraldo's Mustache

What's up with Geraldo Rivera's mustache? This question came to mind passing a billboard for Geraldo's lame new show, Geraldo at Large. It occured to me that Geraldo is the only man I know who's managed to hang onto a handlebar mustache for almost two decades, well past the time everyone else decided handlebar mustaches were a bad idea.

Mustaches are out these days in America. Even Alex Trebek shaved his off years ago. And a handlebar? The average male in this country who wears a handlebar mustache would have to be either a time traveler from the 1800s or working for an IT department.

Hey, maybe Geraldo really is a time traveler. That would explain why he got into news - he already knows most of it. Then again, if he was from the future, he would have known there was nothing in Al Capone's vault. Or maybe there was, and it was so valuable that Geraldo stole it himself. Yeah, I can see that. Geraldo gets his employers to pay for the operation to break open the vault, then sneaks in during the night to steal the priceless treasure hidden inside, then waits until morning to break open the vault and find nothing inside. He looks like an idiot, but secretly makes a fortune. So Geraldo isn't really an idiotic faux-journalist with a dorky mustache. He's a criminal genius from the future. Wow...you heard it here first.