Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Beware of Killer Biscuits

(I got this from my friend Y. Massey)

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

AP-(Don't know if this is true)Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws. While there they went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. After grocery shopping, Linda stayed in the car while her in-laws went into another store. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

This is actually an urban legend. I've heard a couple different versions.

OK, think about this logically.

First, a can of biscuits wouldn't burst like that. And if they did it would have to REALLY hot. The chick would have died from heat exhaustion before she got nailed in the head with some biscuit dough.

Second, if someone really thought they were shot in the head and reached back to feel it, would there not be blood? Would that person not feel it running through said fingers?

Third, brains don't ooze out of your head. If your shot they will splatter like shit.

First of all, canned biscuits contain a leavening agent. They can burst even if it has nothing to do with the heat simply by sitting on the groceries store shelf too long. The leavening agent can react to changes in moisture, acidity or even yes, the heat over time, and eventually produce a gas to cause the biscuits to rise. The biscuits just burst right out of the can with a loud pop. This is why they are normally kept refrigerated.

Second, in a parked car with all of the windows rolled up, as the story says this car was, we know for a fact that it can get hot enough to kill a dog. I'm sure popping some biscuits wouldn't be to hard.

Third, depending on how your shot, what kind of gun/bullet, the trajectory of the projectile and i'm sure other factors, your brain would not just "Splatter like shit" as you so eloquently put it. A low guage gun with small bullets doesnot actually have much force, and could very easily loose most of it's momentum the minute it passes flesh and bone. There have been documented cases of people being shot in the head, the bullet had enough force to enter but not enough to exit, it bounces around the brain pan for a while, a twisted shard of hot shrapnel basically playing pong inside of the brain, liquefying what tissue is in it's path until it finally slows down due to all of the resistance.

It is also [possible that the woman could have though, rather then having been shot directly in the back of the head, that the bullet had come from the side, hitting her at just the very back of her head popping off a nice junk of her skull on it's way.

No matter WHAT the woman thought, she heard a very loud POP in a very small enclosed space, and was smacked on the back of the head by a projectile. Pay attention here, she's already in shock at this point, already feeling the tendrils of horror crawl through her body as, in a matter of second , she reaches up to the back of her head and feels, what she doesn't know is, the mushy soft dough from a can of biscuits. Who's thinking about blood at this point? You think your shot in the head, you reach up to feel, in shock, and feel squishy stuff. Who cares about blood???

On a serious note, she's an idiot. She thinks she got shot in the head. Great, so lets run down the check list. Am i coherent enough to think? Yes, check. Have i suddenly found myself drooling uncontrolably, sitting limply in a vegetable like state due to my BRAIN HAVING BEEN PIERCED by a projectile? Nope, check. Am i dead? Nope, check. conclusion? May be i wasn't shot in the brain!