"Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine."--Fran Lebowitz

Monday, May 17, 2010

A Tea Party of Wineabees

"The Wine Blog Awards judging is almost done. Yes, we had originally planned to have the judging complete by now with the public voting to be opened this Monday, May 17. However, the task blossomed a bit this year: more categories, more nominations, and more judges. Each judge has to sift through many, many blogs and we are waiting for data back from only a couple judges."--Wine Blog Awards Website

I'm sorry. It's my fault. I probably never should have agreed to do it. But I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be interesting. I'd spend long, contemplative Spring afternoons lost in a world of wine and language, savor the wisdom and knowledge of thoughtful and insightful people. I thought it would be hard because there would be this wealth of talent that I would have to whittle down to a mere five nominations per category, but that it would be a good kind of hard, like the New York Times crossword puzzle or a 57-year-old's morning erection. But now the nightmares won't stop. I'm afraid to fall asleep. My waking life has become unbearable. And the voices...My God, the voices won't stop. So many voices, so little to say. Make them stop! Please, for the love of Asimov, make them stop!

Sometimes I think it's the couples wine blogs that haunt me the most. "He loves wine, she loves fashion.." AAAAAARRGGHHH!! Somebody stop them! We don't care! You can't make us care. Your lives aren't interesting. I don't have any idea who told you they are, maybe your high school guidance counselor when you were twenty-five, but, believe me, they're not. And the pictures, the endless pictures, the endless fashion pictures, if you're idea of fashion is early Knott's Berry Farm, it's just more than I can bear. It's not a wine blog, it's Vanity Fair for female serial killers mixed with wine opinions for the addlepated. But they're not the only ones. Is this some sort of new advice couples therapists are dispensing to troubled marriages? Start a wine blog together! "She's a wine expert, he just loves the smell of jockstraps, won't it be fun to follow along as she teaches him to love wine!" NOOO! It won't. It's a nightmare. Teach him in private. Really. We don't want to read about it. Write a blog about him teaching you about something, humility maybe, and leave us alone. Oh God, my head...

I see these Wineabees everywhere. There was a time, back in the golden days of civilization, before the Internet, when people learned about wine quietly, by reading books, by traveling, by attending tastings. They didn't proclaim their ignorance for everyone to read. They didn't form big bands of wine ignorants and endlessly praise each other. "Great post, Thea! Hope to see you at the Wines of Trannies event in the City. Can't wait for those Post-Op Pinots. You rock!" "Great post, Sonadora! I love everything you write. You taste the cheapest wines! You rock!" I've had to read through these blogs and I can't get the voices out of my head. I didn't sign up for this. I hear hundreds of these voices, but they all sound the same. I walk down the street and I hear a sad little voice say, "...comes with a natural cork closure..." and I want to jump off the curb in front of a truck. Did Hugh Johnson ever utter the words, "comes with a natural cork closure?" Has Jancis Robinson ever declared, "This Sancerre would go perfectly with the latest Lady GaGa release?" Did Gerald Asher ever devote 1000 words to what wine goes with Hostess Ho-Ho's? I read through dozens of wine blogs and now there's this constant drone in my head, the kind of drone that goes with brain cells not dying, but committing ritual suicide.

So I thought I'd try a site that sounded like it might be porn. You know, NectarDrinker.com, or something like that. That sounded promisingly sick. But, no, it's not, it's just more of the same dreck. Only this guy, this guy is like the kid who was hit in the hammer by his weird uncle when he was seven and now he goes up to everyone he meets and says, "You're really pretty," and a wet stain develops in his pants, which is only a sign of freshness in baked goods. He just goes to every wine blog and comments, "You're really pretty. I love your blog." And he wants to be Gary V., models himself after the one guy who's living proof that Darwin was right except he should have said "descended" not "ascended." This NectarDrinker wants to package himself. I'm all for that, so long as it's in an airtight package.

It's just that these voices won't stop. The constant whine of the untalented, the voices of the democratization of wine. I hear them nonstop, I can't get them out of my head after sifting through all that tedious prose, those mind-numbing wine descriptions, the incessant noise of their rallying around each other proclaiming their God-given rights to express themselves and their uninformed and dull opinions, a Tea Party of Wineabees drowning us in their witless prose and borrowed opinions. Those voices haunt me. What happens to wine when everyone's an expert, when everyone's voice is heard? I don't know. I can't hear anything amid all the clamor. I can only hear the corporate marketing people laughing.

Oh, the Tea Party of Wineabees declares, if you don't like it, don't read it! We can do what we like. Just don't read our wine blogs. We like what we do, and we like what our friends do, we don't need you, we don't need your scorn or criticism. And, like any respectable Tea Party, on the face of it they have a point. For what's American about criticism? The Internet, wine blogs, they're not about criticism. Criticism is Socialist. The hierarchy is clear and only a fool tries to buck the system--opinion first, facts a distant second, talent just now turning for home. The Tea Party of Wineabees is untouchable and right and we value only the first and foremost of the Internet hierarchy. And we are legion. You have seen the future and it is mediocrity, and you'd better learn to accept it. The old status quo has to go. The hell with them. It's our turn now. Some people like to stand on the shoulders of giants, we prefer to be the midgets who use the giants' genitalia as a speedbag.

Sorry. The voices are getting to me. I've tried to read through all the nominated wine blogs; God knows I've tried. I even read the ones who nominated themselves, the hammerheads who look in the mirror and say, "You're so pretty" to themselves. But the voices only get louder and louder and I fear I'm losing my mind. But I hang on, I hang on knowing that wine blogs, like so many dwarves, won't live long. The voices will finally fade. And all that will be left is just the abandoned sites, like so many strip mines that have polluted the landscape and poisoned the people nearby.

I'm hoping for any nomination and a win just so I can give a long acceptance speech endorsing Sarah Palin and demanding to see 1WineDude's birth certificate. I have it on good authority he was born in Myanmar.

And congrats on your nomination in the category "Best Blog that Doesn't Exist," though I'm guessing Robert Parker's "Thoughts From Hell" is a sure winner.

Do they really give awards for wine blogs? Really? I mean, really? Is it, like, bronze silver gold double-gold best-of-show? Or is it, like, on a 100-point scale? I really need a blog to tell me which wine goes best with which blog, and what music I should be listening to when I read it. Please - which blog goes bast with a 2005 Salice Salentino and Psapp?

Wow, how did you find the time to comment here? Not much going on over at BrixChicks or WineabeeWino? Anyhow, thanks for dropping by. Yes, I know, I am purty. I have the face for blogging.

Thomas,

I'm not sure not receiving a Wine Blog Award is exactly the definition of losing. It's a lot like not winning a Darwin Award. Desirable. What you never want to be is one of the judges for the WBA, which is what this lame post was about, aside from 500 words too long.

Amy Love,

Yeah, triple. So, six readers.

Dave,

Such a lovely word, addlepated, I hate to see it so ignored. If only "terroir" would suffer the neglect in its stead.

Sure, pretend you aren't longing for a WBA, which I thought was a league for really tall women but turns out to be an award for stunted emotional maturity. I believe the blogs are judged on the musical scale--the sharp ones are disqualified and the flat ones rule.

I took a turn judging the WBA a few years back, and I actually found it pretty easy to disqualify tons of entrants in any one category. Sometimes too easy: I had to scrounge a bit to find 5 nominees for some of the categories.

I will say, however, that I found at least one blog that was new to me and that I enjoyed.

This huddled mass would also like to nominate HoseMaster for saving us from the witless mind-numbingly boring back label writing that plagues far too many wine blogs out there.

Ron My Love, I made the same mistake in trying to read through all the nominated (self nominated included and I count the ones that went on facebook and emailed their friends begging them to nominate them in this category) wine blogs....it was a little like grading kindergarten play dough sculptures. Kind of depressing really and that one with the fashion and wine crap seriously had me thinking, "Well if I bludgeon myself it will go away" dreadful and so freaking pointless. I must admit I am dying to see who the finalists are if for no other reason than to get my panties twisted and watch you go after them, (the bloggers not my panties). That or I'm an emotional cutter....either way I'm staying tuned in.

I recently tasted the 2008 Chateau Grand Traverse Dry Riesling from Michigan, which was about $12, and thought it was sensational for that price. Not going to scare anybody in the Mosel, but it was beautifully made and pitch perfect for the variety. An easy 564,324 on the HoseMaster Million Point Scale.

And while you're at it, get your fingers on some wines from the Hands Lakes.

I knew there was something about this place I liked. Been following those wineries in the Traverse area as long as Daddy has been puffin. And they have more than fingers, they have the whole mitten. (Still love ya, Thomas.)

Try some of Larry Mawby's sparkling wines..Cremant, Talisman, very good vino. His Fizz & Wet are good, but I had Sex with him several years ago, and it was great! I could have blogged about it all day, but after a cigarette, I fell asleep.

It's so weird! At the bottom of the post it says 24 comments, but here it says 22, and your two comments have vanished. I got them in my personal Inbox, but then they're not on the blog. I certainly didn't delete them or do anything to make them vanish. Some sort of Blogger thing. Really odd.

So I'll cut and paste them here:

Thomas said:

Anyone interested in Finger Lakes Riesling ought to contact the Finger Lakes wineries. I am not an employee and do not receive compensation for doing any sort of PR work, or otherwise for the region.

You can go over to the New York boosterism blog (http://lennthompson.typepad.com/lenndevours/)and maybe get some help there.

Be warned, however, reviewing wines that can't be found at retail in your location can be annoying to consumers.

Blogger has regained its senses and allowed you back, even returned your old comments in their original form. Turns out it was a simple hostage situation and I had to pay Meg Whitman ten thousand dollars for their return. At least I think it was Meg Whitman--she looked amazingly like Benjamin Franklin.

Dear Hosey, I was wondering if it is permissible when responding in this space, to reach across the table and slap someone else other than you? Oh and btw, when onewhinedud says stature, does that mean, IQ?

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After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.

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