Thursday, May 1, 2008

Bicycle Day and Bike Month: Cycling Your Way to Enlightenment

Despite the fact that it is officially the start of Bike Month today and as cyclists we should all be cycling around some Maypole somewhere singing songs of happiness, it would appear that a certain segment of the readership feels that there's been an absence of acidity on this blog recently. In fact, valued commenter, commie, and Canuk Commiecanuk has taken it upon himself to organize a "Bring Back Bitter " campaign, and he has even managed to enlist other actors with mugshots to stump for his cause:

For the record, I'd like to assure Commiecanuk and others that, like the blossoms of Spring, bottom bracket creaking, and herpes, my bitterness is guaranteed to return. Indeed, I promise to leave this world as bitter, sticky, and defenseless as I was when I entered it. However, for the moment, there are still certain profound matters of cosmic synchronicity that require examination.

In addition to being LSD’s baby daddy, Hofmann was also the father of the “ride report” as we know it today. If you’ve spent any time on internet forums, you’re certainly familiar with the ride report. It’s a really long story people write that’s mostly made up and involves lots of references to people you don’t know as well as frequent repetition of the word “epic.” Of course, power meters are killing this unique form of prose, as the modern ride report now looks like this. (Yes, there are humanesque beings who can actually read this.) At any rate, after making the first batch of LSD Hofmann took some on April 19th, 1943 and hopped on his bicycle, thus undertaking the world’s first intentional acid trip and inventing the ride report simultaneously in one mind-bending “Eureka!” moment:

I asked my laboratory assistant to accompany me home as I believed that I should have a repetition of the disturbance of the previous Friday. While we were cycling home (a four-mile trip by bicycle, no other vehicle being available because of the war), however, it became clear that the symptoms were much stronger than the first time. I had great difficulty in speaking coherently and my field of vision swayed before me and was distorted like the reflections in an amusement park mirror. I had the impression of being unable to move from the spot, although my assistant later told me that we had cycled at a good pace....

Of course, according to my own definition, Hofmann was not a cyclist as he only rode out of necessity. Still though, this is a monumental event, and his “impression of being unable to move from the spot” surely resonates with many a pass-fail racer to this day. In fact, so significant is April 19th that it is now celebrated as “Bicycle Day.”

Now I admit that I have taken LSD, but the truth is that while I did put it in my mouth I never inhaled. Consequently, any sensations of throbbing cosmic oneness and/or ineffable insight into the mathematical workings of the Universe glimpsed while looking at a flock of ducks I may have experienced thereafter were completely coincidental, and anything I might know about the effects of LSD I learned from watching this video of a hot girl on LSD, aptly titled “Hot Girl On LSD.” But one thing I do know is that psychedelics like LSD are simply a shortcut to enlightenment. It’s like taking the cheater line while mountain biking, or like taking the cutoff in a Central Park race.

Still, though, it is human nature to strive for enlightenment, and many people attempt to attain it through bicycling. And nowhere is this more apparent than in the fixed-gear community. Listen to any fixed-gear rider explain his or her choice of bicycle and you’re bound to hear the word “Zen” come up with alarming frequency. If you were to play a drinking game in which you did a shot every time a fixed-gear rider said the word “Zen,” you’d be dead of alcohol poisoning inside of an hour. Note the reasons the website oldskooltrack gives for riding a fixed-gear with no brakes:

--There are no brakes in the velodrome.--Brakes are not needed for safety, if you know how to control your bike, slow and stop.--Your legs are your brakes.--Your awareness is heightened without brakes. Many old skool riders have the definite feeling of lowered awareness of "falling asleep" on the bike if it has brakes.--As you ride, you feel connected with everything. See "No Brakes -- Or, Zen on Wheels."--This is the full flavor and beauty of fixed-gear riding.--A track bike is a beautiful, elegant machine, a piece of jewelry in motion.--Brakes and brake holes are fugly on the frame.

Ah yes, who hasn’t experienced the phenomenon of brake-induced narcolepsy? I for one can’t stand within 10 yards of a bike with calipers on it without nodding off. Even in yesterday's post a commenter asked, “Dont ya ever feel like youre kinda falling asleep behind the bars when your coasting along...?” So apparently this is a huge problem and I’m not the only one. Conversely, the second I touch the handlebars of a brakeless track bike I can see into the infinite and beyond, like Dave in "2001" journeying into the Monolith, only with tighter pants.

Personally, I don’t give much thought to Zen. I’m not even sure what it is. I always thought it was kind of like sleeping but without all the drooling and snoring. I also thought it had something to do with the question, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” Now that I certainly don’t know, but I do know what the sound of one bullshit artist typing is, and it’s whatever sound came out of that guy’s keyboard when he wrote those reasons for not using a brake on the street. (I should know—mine makes a similar sound.) But I do applaud him two-handedly though for invoking “Zen” and “fugly” in the same post. I’m sure all the great Zen masters avoided fugliness at all costs.

So in conclusion, I’ll just say that while cycling and enlightenment may be inextricably intertwined there are no shortcuts to universal awareness. LSD won’t do it. Riding brakeless won’t do it. And while I don’t recommend riding on the street without a brake, I definitely don’t recommend cycling on LSD. Unless you want to wind up dead at 102 like Dr. Hofmann.

when i took LSD i didn't inhale either, thank god too. I wouldn't want to be categorized with brakeless fixie rider...but the colors where a bit off that day, as if i had been in a monochromatic world all my life, hmmm.

CHECK WHAT OUT!?! Are you shilling for that fine post-BMX Plus! publication, or mocking it? Either way- quit it. If you are going to point something out, make a point about it, like " I know this is exactly the kind of crap you all mock every day, but maybe someone will find it interesting and buy it so I won't lose the entire trust fund that I gave some guys to get it off the ground" or "Look, guys doing tricks on fixed gear bikes. Hahahaha"

anon 101I think bsny/rtms is suggesting a paradox. How to get a job without experience. How to get experience without a job. Then again, he did say he had taken LSD in the past. So, on his death bed, he'll receive total enlightenment. So, he's got that going for him.

anon 12:20,I think the Snob meant "humanesque," thus dehumanizing those capable of reading the computerized ride report. In fact, it was among the funniest parts of the post, and subtle. Way to ruin it.

Good point. I guess I was making a distinction between a few hours of quasi-enlightenment and a lifetime of genuine enlightenment, if there is such a thing. Poor wording on my part. I'm glad someone's reading closely--I know I'm not.

Honestly I don't know he was referring to about pale full figured girls but possibly he was refering to paintings in a similar style to Peter paul Rubens the seventeenth century Flemish baroque painter... aka. Rubenesque

the awakening to the realization of it being merely a bowl of soggy marshmellows is a very important step towards enlightenment.... even though it seems like the enlightened state has come and gone and now this bowl is just a let down....

I've ridden a brakeless track bike on LSD so I have you all beat on the enlightenment. It was just to get to my friends house to eat her pot brownies, mind you.

Years ago I asked myself which cat I could upgrade to while still maintaining recreational drug use... looks like cat3 is too hard for an every day pot smoker. Hey you gotta make sacrifices for what you love.

...dr albert hofmann may have "had great difficulty in speaking coherently" on that fateful bike ride home but he was the first to utter the eloquent phrase "wow, far out, man, i'm trippin'...like i am so-o-o high, dude, so fucked up"...

...btw, rtms/bsnys...speaking of quotes "i definitely don't recommend cycling on lsd, unless you want to wind up dead at 102 like dr hofmann" would probably have greatly amused the old man himself...

Well, my job is done here with the hugely successful BBB campaign. Nick Nolte is safely back in 'rehab', or the alleyway behind the Jack-in-a-box in Hollywood. We were planning some radio spots with his inspirational words, "wellasammmm..mmmbbnnm... nahummmm en humabanmm". Indeed Nick, indeed.

Now I'm on to the Clinton campaign, where the brilliant promise of fixing all of America's economic woes will come from gas tax cuts, as Al Gore's deceased personality spins in its grave. We just need a little to go over the top of Obama. So far, Hillary's best idea is a free Chelsea blowjob with every 20 gallons of premium unleaded.

As for LSD, here is the unfortunate story of a 7000 pound bull elephant named tusko. On his first, and last, LSD trip.

Insightful, honest, caring. A top-ten blog and orderly juxtaposition of seemingly random, but not really, time related occurrences. The very words transcend the natural, carrying the reader into altered supernatural states; much like swallowing a Quaalude and quaffing a beer.

I had great difficulty in speaking coherently... my field of vision swayed before me and was distorted... I had the impression of being unable to move from the spot, although my assistant later told me that we had cycled at a good pace....

Poor dumb SOB must have stumbled into the local velo club's social ride. "Really, it's a no-drops ride. Seriously dude, you'll have no trouble hanging. Recovery pace only."

And doesn't Rubenesque have something to do with riding a fat tired bike and getting caught fondling yourself in an adult bookstore? Or am I thinking PeeWeelicious?

the idea of zen is "the way of the monkey", compared to "the way of the kitten". the monkey holds on to his mom, while the kitten is carried. i suppose that a brakeless person could find some metaphorical connection to zen though i've been told that enlightenment is impossible if one restricts blood flow to the legs with overly tight pants.(hence the flowing robes most gurus tend to sport) clearly, this tenuous belief that one will find happiness whilst brakeless only starts to make sense if you ride berobed or naked. neither prospect works for me due to; a) age b) balls. and also, due to my age, i've discovered that 80% of humans are far more attractive clothed. buy brakes. the snob is right. the ability to stop quickly allows one to travel quickly and nothing beats the "zen" of being in control of of your bike and surroundings while going mach 7 between trees, cars, or dentists.

I sat anxiously, eying the undulating shapes in the cereal bowl. The boiling sweat of the marshmallow hearts, moons, and clovers lockstepped submissively into the turgid froth that had once been a serene, milky lake. What had triggered this sudden and tremendous mutiny of color into effluence? I swallowed hard. I can't eat that! Perhaps I might just wait it out.

The sickening descent from curious to perturbed cut left. I laced my fingers together to reclaim the solidness of my own hands. Was the cereal not turning to mush? Am I really dissolving instead? The beads of perspiration dotting my quaking arms confirmed the worst. Why had I worn this Diamondback shirt?! I'm ONE OF THEM now...

Here's my masterful deconstruction of the oldskooltrack treatise on braking. (Note that I went to college!!)

I've never been to a velodrome, but I imagine there are no pedestrians blithely crossing the roadway on cell phones. Or Access-A-Ride vans.

Zing!!!

Brakes are not neededfor safety, if you know how to control your bike, slow and stop.

Uhh, well, there are degrees of safety. For instance, skidding or skip-stopping on wet pavement is LESS safe and effective than on dry pavement.

Oh dang!

Let's say you make up an arbitrary number to describe your expert fixed gear foot braking ability. Let's call that number "10." If you add a hand brake to that, you could make it go to, I don't know, "11."

So, I saw you riding your bicycle in Central Park up around the 70th or 80th Street Area on the West Side... you had blonde hair, and bluish eyes from what I could tell. Sorry, my vision was a little hazy. I don't remember what you were wearing, but your bicycle was undulating beneath you in the most amazing way... I had been wearing deep navy blue dress pants, a light blue colored shirt, and a plum colored tie... I have no idea what happened to those things, though. I think I set them free, as I felt no need for clothing. I was still carrying around my black handbag on my left shoulder which says "NYSE" on it. I could not for the life of me remember what those letters stood for and I had spent what seemed like hours obsessing over a multitude of possibilities before you passed me by on the bike while smiling around 4 PM something... and then looked back at me after you passed. What a vision! I wanted to call to you but my mouth could not move, nor could I utter any sounds. I felt leaden. Then, after I'd sauntered from the middle of Central Park to Central Park South, I saw you pass by me again on the bike path. At least I think it must have been the bike path. I had become a little disoriented, what with the levitation I was experiencing. Again, I recognized you and your undulating bike as soon as I saw you, and then I turned my head to see you... you were already about 100 feet off or so, and then you looked back at me, I'm *certain* it was because you had remembered me from before. Um, right? I'd be absolutely AMAZED if we met again. Perhaps if my dad posts bail and the police release me I will go for a walk in the park tomorrow as well and see if I see you again, same place, same time. I think. My head kinda hurts.

"Consequently, riding without a brake doesn't say, "I'm hardcore." It says, "I'm afraid of exploring the full performance potential of my bicycle." Indeed, in the gym class of death-defying vehicle operation the brakeless fixed-gear rider is just the slightly less nerdy kid who picks on the really nerdy kids but gets beat up by everyone else." HAHAHA. GREAT.

A bunch of years ago when I was in high school someone stole my front quick release skewer during the day - what to do? - I rode the 5 miles home without it - at first I was stopping to make turns (hold front wheel shuffle bike to new direction) - but by the time I was nearing home I was making the turns - talk about a *zen* state - way better than no brakes - no chance of falling asleep behind the handlebars - you FGF's should give it a try!

May I just say that this may be the best combination of post and comments yet... Reubenesque, reubansandwichesque, paulreubenesque, oxygen tents, LSD tribute bikes, crazy-Jew-hatin' Mel Gibson photos... I could go on and on. I would pay you people good money for this stuff if it wasn't already free, and if you could all prove that you're eligible for legal employment in the US...

The Competitive Cyclist Altitude Tent is, in fact, just the thing for enhanced intimacy. After all, you are in a low-pressure environment so it is that much easier to become vertically compliant. The reduced air resistance is the key, not to mention the romantic appearance of the set-up if you have a nurse fetish (and who doesn't?). Easily worth the $6200, which is probably less than Competitive Cyclist charges for a good Zen wheelset.

hep cat, there are no breaks on the hofmann bike, because if you are on acid you may become confused as to what their purpose is, the danger of this is of coarse the possibility that you may squeeze them hard thinking they are the warp drive articulators, which will promptly send you over the handle bars sending you into a downward spiral of a horrific bad acid trip. So for this reason I concluded that breaks could only make the situation worse when riding the Hofmann bike. PS (the grips are injected with lsd to be absorbed into the skin)

We all think BSNYC is pretty tough, but you have not seen anything yet

http://www.velorution.biz/?p=1441

Someone is riding rough shod over the explosion of fixed gear deep V's in London England. I am from Cornish wrecking stock and wrecking a fixie is waste of time, there is nothing to scavenge except the pedals and the top tube pad is useful for lagging the hot pipes. So it is just for the love of one less ......

I, who shall remain anonymous, have been retained as legal counsel by one blond-haired, blue-eyed, young lady of the greater New York City metropolitan area of the State of New York, who also prefers to remain anonymous.

Ms. Anonymous kindly requests that you immediately cease and desist any and all attempts to make further contact through this or any other forum, either public or private. This request is made to counter situational awareness of my client that you, Mr. Amir, on April 24, 2008, at approximately 4:00 pm in Central Park in the 70th to 80th Street-area on the West Side and then again at approximately 5:15 pm in the vicinity of the bike path bisecting Central Park South, did commit all manner of lewd, illegal, and near-psychotic acts in some unknown, altered state of consciousness.

These acts, which are too numerous, bizarre, and heinous to list here in their entirety but will hereafter be referred to as "your sick-ass nastiness", were perceived by my client with gravity due their malicious intent and overall disdain for public and personal welfare. Your sick-ass nastiness did create feelings of abject dread and alarm on the part of many of the fine citizenry enjoying Central Park in the areas and at the times which you chose to expose yourself and flail about madly. It was at the point of discarding your pink and purple striped silk underpants that my client became aware of your intent to harm and tried to flee the scene on bicycle, and which you chose to assualt her with garbled claims of unyeilding affection. Later, at the aforementioned 5:15 pm recurrence of your sick-ass nastiness, my client did attempt to flee once again on bicycle.

Your attempt to lasso Ms. Anonymous with your NYSE-adorned satchel during this rampage of sick-ass nastiness has left Ms. Anonymous incapacitated for no less than 14 days, of which she will be unable to work for 10 days. Furthermore, the underpants that did become lodged in the rear tire assembly between the cassette bundle and spokes will require professional servicing for extraction. These damages will be billed to you at (address removed) as well as a fee to further compensate for undue pain and suffering of my client at the sight of your, er, uncircumcisedness.

RTMA, you son of a gun! I have saved this link for you for the last month just waiting for the opportunity to send it. I heard that Dr. Hoffman gave up the ghost and decided it'd be the perfect time to send it off. But low and behold you have already made the bicycle/LSD connection! And without the help of the one reader who tunes in to your blog more for your acid references than for your bicycle snobbery. Well done you little bike culture drop out.

If you want unconditional gushy love then this is were you should be www.mormon.org/. And if there ever was a sign of the alpacalypse approaching a former once interesting roadie Ol Lance is getting all touchy feelie with us and his Mellow Johnnie commuter brought to us by the great Droid Cycling company http://www.bikeradar.com/news/article/spy-shot-lances-new-mellow-johnny-commuter-16030?source=newsletter&attr=general/2008/05/01. Booooooring Fuck mellow that is when you cannot chew hard food and the meds make you sleep. Only mellow worth talking about is Donovan’s Mellow Yellow and any one under forty will need to do a web search on that

Also note that Lance's Mellow Johnnie has no brake OR chain. Does this mean Lance has some serious mojo happening and can go a quadzillion miles per hour whilst standing still. And they say he did not take drugs

One scene had Fat Freddy and Phineas heading home on a bicycle. I don't remember why; my memory is not the greatest. Anyway, they started to get tailed by a couple of cops in a cruiser, so Phineas, sitting on the handlebars, cracks open a vial of amyl nitrate, and Fat Freddy pedals the hell out of the bike with superhuman intensity, legs a blur....

The next panels showed the cops back at the station, all banged up. Another cops says "what the hell happened to you two?" And the one cop says "we were following these two hippies on a bike, and they pulled away from us so fast we thought something happened to the cruiser, so we got out to see what was wrong."

Hell, I'm a Zen Buddhist and I don't get how riding a bike brakeless is an enlightening experience. Oh, unless they're thinking of that flash of insight that comes with the reflection of the sun off of a truck fender before impact!

Adam said... You should be ashamed of yourself. Why are you after Hilary and Obama when you should be concentrating on Harper, Dion, Layton, and Duceppe's views on energy?,

Because, US political outcomes make more of a difference to Canada's policies that our own leaders do. This is partly due to back room alliances between the Republicans and the Conservative party, which is why we are cutting taxes in a recession and sending kids to fight oil wars in Afghanistan. Also why the party is under investigation for cheating in the last election.this corrupt fuck is turning an area the size of Florida into a toxic dump for Texas-based oil refineries.A large portion of Canadian politicos in Ottawa are self-absorbed sellout sycophants who drop to their knees when "the Man From DelMonte" comes to visit. Look at the pic of Harper: the rednecks have spoken, the South has risen again, retards rule North America.

If bombing Iran would win Obama and Clinton power, they would do it in a minute. There really are no real options, neither in Canada nor the US. Anyone who supports the idea of cheaper gas solving any problems needs to snap out of it.

Anon 6:51 - I hope you're offended, no one thinks when they are not offended.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!