Happy New Year! Everybody was off for Christmas . . . And apparently, so was Homeland Security.

This kid tried to detonate the bomb in his underwear. Fortunately it didn't go off. His underpants just caught fire. Or as al-Qaida calls it, a wardrobe malfunction.

No one knows what caused Rush Limbaugh's chest pains, but if you're Rush Limbaugh, it could be any number of things. The economy is getting better, the healthcare bill is going to pass, the Republicans are having trouble raising money.

AT&T dropped their connection with Tiger Woods. That's not unusual. AT&T drops my connection two, three times a day.

On New Year’s Day, President Obama took his daughters to see the 3-D version of “Avatar.” There was an awkward moment when one of Obama’s daughters leaned over to him and whispered, “Now that's how you spend half a billion dollars.”

The other day in Ohio, employees at a Wendy’s saved a man’s life. Apparently, they told him, “We’re closed.”

Afghanistan has opened its first-ever skateboarding park. This officially moves Afghanistan all the way up to No. 6,843 on the list of “Kid-Friendly Destinations.”

Jorge Cruz won the third annual ESPN Ultimate Couch Potato championship by sitting and eating for 48 hours straight, breaking last year’s record by 19 hours. The funeral will be held tomorrow.

So Regis is back at work. That means only 10 million unemployed people to go.

Rush Limbaugh was in the hospital. He said he had chest pains and I thought, "Oh, he's just trying to get some of those painkillers."

Tiger Woods is staying in New York at the Trump Hotel. The Trump Hotel is a lot like one of Tiger Woods' girlfriends, really. Tall, flashy, and 1200 bucks a night.

Has anyone seen Avatar? They made another $300 million this weekend. Oh wait, that's Tiger Woods' wife.

Top Ten Washington Wizards Explanations

10

When you're only 6'4", 215 pounds, you need some protection.

9

Team recently signed an exclusive endorsement deal with Smith and Wesson.

8

Sick of Tiger getting all the attention.

7

Secret Santa rules didn't say, "no firearms."

6

Two players can't pull guns over a locker room gambling dispute? What is this, Russia?

5

Uh, Swine Flu?

4

When you're the Washington Wizards, any press is good press.

3

Wanted gun close by in case team tried to trade me to the Nets.

2

Coach didn't specify what kind of pre-game shootaround it was.

1

My exploding underpants weren't working.

There's a Scottish person here and they think I'm their friend because they're from Scotland. I'm like, "I emigrated for a reason, girl!"

In a strange quirk of fate, that's the one I emigrated to get away from.

I'm going to learn to speak Spanish, so in about a year I'll be able to do the entire show in Spanish. Which will make people as happy as when I did the entire show with puppets, I'm sure.

Rerun

A new study shows that more and more children are reaching the age of three before they learn how to talk. Even weirder, their first words are usually "dude, just text me."

This is just insane. A woman in Ohio was arrested after she punched out the drive-through window at a McDonald’s when she couldn’t order chicken McNuggets. Now she's facing 4, 6, or 10 years in jail, plus a choice of dipping sauce.

Dubai opened the world’s tallest skyscraper today — at 2,640 feet tall. When asked how many elevators it has, the guy who built it was like “Ahhhh crap. Elevators!”

And finally, a man in Italy said he stole candy from a store last week so he could spend New Year’s Eve in jail instead of with his wife and her family. The judge called it a shameful, embarrassing . . . Actually, pretty brilliant plan.