John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Many people get focused on the end of the relationship and lose sight of the whole relationship (Published 4-17-2012)

Q:

My grandfather was like my father. I basically had to watch him die in front of my eyes in the hospital in less than 2 hours. It happened so fast I still cry every other day, and I feel it happened so fast that it's hard to find closure. How do I find closure and find a way to take this as a step to get stronger?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Krissy,

Thanks for your note and question.

Even though your note is short, there are a few different elements to it.

First, the fact that your relationship with your grandfather was more like a father is very important. It means that there is a lifetime of events with emotions attached that affected you, not just the circumstances and speed of his death.

Many people get focused on the end of the relationship and lose sight of the whole relationship.

We’d strongly recommend that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and bookstores]. As you read it and take the actions it suggests, you will find yourself feeling more and more emotionally complete with your grandfather. With that, you will be able to remember and think about the whole relationship and not just the ending.

Another element is the word-idea, “closure.” When you read The Grief Recovery Handbook, you’ll notice that the word closure never appears. In part it is because we think that closure implies something that is both incorrect and scary for people. That is, that closure implies the end of a relationship. When someone important to us dies, the aspect of the relationship that has ended is the physical one – the emotional and spiritual aspects continue as long as you’re alive.

That’s why we prefer to say that we help people become “emotionally complete” with the things they wish had happened differently, better, or more, and with all the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.