EDIT 2: I changed the star rating to a higher number because honestly, I think back on this book quite vividly and I tell its story to anyone I can. IEDIT 2: I changed the star rating to a higher number because honestly, I think back on this book quite vividly and I tell its story to anyone I can. It's like giving The Room five stars just for entertaining my level of humor.

EDIT: THERE IS GOING TO BE A SEQUEL CALLED VERTIGO. MY JOURNEY IS NOT OVER.

The one star in this review is dedicated to Miranda Leek’s beautiful artwork. This story is terrible, but Miranda’s illustration work is gorgeous and I want everyone to at least take a glance at this really talented artist.

This is a story where you will cry with laughter at how bad it is.This is a story where nothing makes sense because the world forgets its own rules.This is a story where the characters are so paper-thin, you’ll remember them forever.

I can’t tell you what the plot is, because I need to discover for myself. We’re going to figure it out together.

We are introduced to a 35 year-old poor man by the name of Rodney, a recently fired engineer from the local cake factory. Rodney is broke. He is so broke. Wanna know how broke this boy is? He’s got a sports car. And Rodney - this poor guy - needs a job, because he’s been out of one for a WHOLE MONTH and his bills are piling up!

So he comes across a classified ad that is calling for a roller coaster engineer at a place called Mystic Park. Hot dog! Roller coaster engineer!

Roller coasters, I knew so much about them. I had never actually seen one in person, but I knew more than most who were “coaster junkies”. I acquired all the information that I knew from books, television, and the internet.

As does everyone else in the world, Rodney. Moving on, he needs that job badly, and over the phone he lies to Woody, the park owner, about working on coasters before because let’s face it, reading about roller coasters and actually fixing one are one in the same! Truly! So he goes to Mystic Park and talks to Woody, an old geezer with unnatural white hair...because old people can’t HAVE naturally white hair. He’s also the painfully obvious Old Wise Man archetype.

Ooooooh dear oh dear.But get this, on page 13 of this beautifully-crafted adventure, Woody takes Rodney on a coaster. He doesn’t question Rodney’s skill with engineering. He tells Rodney that he’s a roller coaster himself, and if the rails make him feel invincible. Woody’s real name turns out to be Thunderbark, and he is really a wooden coaster. Does it sound ridiculous yet?

“Don’t mock our names they are warrior names.” Woody said crudely.

Right sorry, Thunderbark, I’ll fix that soon. Rodney turns out to be the legendary red steel coaster by the name of Railrunner! And in order to get the feel of his roller coaster self, Thunderbark activates Rodney’s ride form. He simply lays on the tracks and BOOM, he can transform into a coaster.

He then goes into full roller coaster attack mode and basically destroys the town he lives in and completely skeeves out his girlfriend, Clare. It’s pretty terrifying. The grammar in this section, I mean, not the actual action. The action plays like a slapstick comedy from the overwhelming stench of cliché it gives off. Pretty fantastic.

But get this: THE P.O.V. SWITCHES when this happens.

We’re following Rodney in first person, but then when he goes Railrunner Mode, it becomes third person! Like his roller coaster self is a different entity! This happens on more than one occasion, and even goes to first person with a carousel horse character by the name of Merrylegs!!WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?!Does the author actually think this is clever and okay?! I DON’T - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Narration all over the place!

Let’s move on. Rodney wakes up from this nightmarish transformation, unable to remember a thing:

I took my index fingers and placed them just under my eyebrows to massage the area for my head throbbed horrendously. Was I on a hangover?

Didn’t know people actually go on hangovers. I thought they just HAD them. Rodney, you are 35. You should know the difference, but I guess you can’t if your creator doesn’t know about going on hangovers. But that’s okay, because Rodney no longer can get drunk! His super roller coaster abilities allow him as such, and other things too!

”Now a roller coaster has powers beyond humans understanding. We can bend lightening and fire; posses super strength and agility. We can predict when things will happen, exept death, and sense trouble.”

“A neat thing about that is, a roller coaster can hold its breath underwater for about thirty minutes.”

See how that death prediction is taken out and put in the spotlight by those commas. Rodney is totally predicting death later on because he’s the red coaster. He is the badass of Amusement Park Between. Rodney takes this information with a wave of his flawless hand and goes on a date with Clare…to an amusement park. Despite the constant warnings from Woody/Thunderbark of the hell that will happen if he goes.

Rodney suffers from another transformation, but since this one will be during a full moon, then it’ll complete the cycle and he’ll soon be able to control himself in roller coaster attack mode. I think?! But don’t think too hard there, because again, these world rules will surely break. Clare finally gets the idea that Rodney is in fact a roller coaster monster from hell, and flees back home.

Rodney tries to apologize to Clare, and Clare manages to hide an ENTIRE KITCHEN KNIFE, up her sleeve without any chance of piercing or poking out. Rodney explains how he feels so powerful and refreshed as a roller coaster beast, but Clare gives him the deets on her feelings toward this situation:

“Railrunner, our love is - forbidden. We can’t carry on any longer. A roller coaster cannot be in love with a human!”

Aw nuts. Now what’s Rodney gonna do?! Well, instead of trying to avoid his Railrunner Mode, he magically embraces it when a mugger on the sidewalk threatens Clare. He kills the guy, but in third person not in first.

CALLING OUT YOUR P.O.V. SWITCHIN'.Anyway, Railrunner ends up getting caught due to stealing an amulet known as the Augu Ra. This bling bling allows the Red Coaster to transform at will rather than just under the moonlight. Rodney ends up in a prison cell, and Thunderbark visits to tell him than he can only bend wood because he’s a wooden coaster, like how Rodney can bend steel! Oh! They are benders now! Okay! :| Anywho, Rodney takes this advice and does this when Detective Black comes to nag at him about how much of a murderer he is.

Detective, they say I am a damned soul, but it is yours that is dark and bleak. And there is something else, Detective.”“What might that be?”I held out my wheels, and extended them apart. Black’s body froze and his arms hung in the air like a puppet. He looked at me in horror.“You need to watch your iron intake.”

That’s right. He pulls an X-Men 2 Magneto escape and just gets out. And it is NOW that they finally decide that going to the Amusement Park Between will keep them safe and out of whatever harm that's in their way. And so they go, where the currency is, cleverly enough, the g. Some really small points to Leek there for incorporating roller coaster measurements into currency.

I wish more roller coaster vocab was put in here, like the use of g-forces or s-bend uppercut punches or something ridiculous like that. That would've at least shown HOW MUCH Miranda Leek loved her roller coasters.

Rodney learns about this new world and how rides that have been destroyed and discontinued somehow manage to get up from their demolished areas and make their way here. They then travel to the Temple of the Red, a temple specially made so the red coaster can basically claim his birth right. But how does Thunderbark know this? What’s the backstory of the red coaster?

"After a red dies; a few years later a female coaster is selected. She is chosen because she is the purest and has the nicest heart towards others. Amusement Park Between summons her to the Temple of The Red. The whole time she is in a trance and doesn’t have a clue what goes on or happens. Some spirit thing occurs, but I not entirely sure on that one. Next morning she returns home with amnesia. Then its twelve months of patience, after that the red is born and all hell breaks lose.”

PARDON ME?EXCUSE ME?WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?That some sort of Rosemary’s Baby actiony shit takes place during this trance?! This motherly roller coaster monster goes through some bizarre, fucked up hell to have this coaster? Why can’t they just sex since they’re already anthro beasties with gold chainz and big teeth and werewolf transformation schedules?!

No really, this is beyond anything you read in this book. This is just utterly horrifying. I had no idea that I'd be coming across this total bullshit at all. How wrong. How very wrong of this to be placed in a book that, from the beginning till now, has been just stupid, ridiculous, and incoherently structured.

This is where the book began to lose me severely, so I’m gonna try and make sure we all understand.

Anyway, Rodney/Railrunner chooses now, after learning about his role as the red coaster, to start getting all sadface about his identity and life in general. He loves Clare! Clare is the best girlfriend ever! Their love is TRAGIC and MEANINGFUL like Romeo and Juliet! Who cares about stupid satire?

And Clare, meanwhile, is under constant interrogation about Rodney and how he was an orphan and stuff we already know. Clare learns more about Railrunner and decides “Omg I totally love him even though he’s a roller coaster and I tried to stab him with a Cutco knife.”

Back in APB, Rodney learns about his sworn enemies, King Ironwheel and the Fallen, rides that were apparently sent away from APB? Or something? Malfunctioning rides? They just kinda call them Fallen and I dealt with it. Rodney gets into a cat fight with a Fallen coaster by the name of Freakshow, who is Ironwheel’s right hand. She’s trying to be sinister and mysterious, but she’s just as bumbly as Thunderbark, who gets captured during their second encounter by the way:

“Lets use him as bait for the red herring!”

Yeah, Freakshow. Like that makes any sort of sense.While torn with going after Thunderbark, Railrunner decides to think about his feelings one again:

I thought about Clare, about the strange dreams, and the fact that everyone thought differently about me because of what I was – a roller coaster.

This man honestly thinks that everyone will instantly love him because he can transform at will into a GaryStu red steel coaster. But of course, if Clare loves him, that keeps him going! But when Thunderbark is taken hostage, Rodney goes through this great turmoil.

Chapter 34DefinitionMy life: sucksToo bad it lasts forever.Chapter 35

And then they go after Thunderbark at the Fallen’s lair. Along the way, Railrunner gets into a gang fight, dreams about Clare’s death by Ironwheel, and some other pretty stupid things. The fact that he can predict deaths is kinda shocking, but it really isn’t because he’s the main fucking character.

They come across a useless pack of fellow coasters during that gang fight I just mentioned, and Railrunner had been trying to conceal himself this entire time to hide the fact that the red coaster has returned. After his fight with another coaster, Railrunner’s cloak falls off and everyone’s like, “SHIT IT’S THE RED ONE. BLESS THIS GOD.” And Railrunner goes and pulls this shit in some inspirational speech to the lot of coaster people there:

”The reason why I decided to reveal myself fully was because I feel that Freakshow has already told Ironwheel of my presence.”

The pack of rebel coasters agree to help Railrunner’s cause, and they all rage war against the Fallen. They manage to kill ALL of them except for Freakshow, King Ironwheel, and some gothic carousel horse by the name of Bones. Railrunner spills that they’ll never be able to kill Clare, and then Ironwheel’s like, “Lol I’m totes killing your girlfriend instead of just dealing with you right now.”

Railrunner flees back with Merrylegs and Thunderbark to wherever he lives in the real world to warn Clare of her impending doom. She’s completely fine, and to make something sunshine special in an apparently terrorizing climax, Railrunner and Clare go on a date where Railrunner just runs around and Clare rides in one of the seats on his back.

Their love knows no bounds, guys. They are just the perfect loving couple omg.

But Old Wise Man Thunderbark reveals something! CLARE CAN BECOME A COASTER! Oh my gosh! Railrunner’s eyes sparkle like the sun at this beautiful and incredibly convenient deus ex machina. Now we know for a fact that Clare’s going to live, especially when Thunderbark says that Clare can only become a roller coaster if Railrunner bites her on her dying breath.

The entire ending is mapped out at this point regardless of what Ironwheel and Freakshow are doing. But they arrive on the scene anyway, busting moves left and right trying to kill the red coaster like they actually could or something. Then Railrunner simply bites them and scratches them about and they are dead. Just…just dead and gone…pfff

At this point, Donkey Kong could’ve come in and I would’ve been okay with it. I don’t even know what the point was of involving the Fallen! Why is the red coaster important when the King is already established? WHY ARE NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS DEVELOPED AT ALL?!

Regardless, Clare gets stabbed or something and Railrunner bites her so she can become a sassy purple swirly steel coaster.

WOW NO ONE SAW THAT COMING OH MY GOSH NOW THE LOVE BIRDS CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER. The burning passions of their love is obvious because Clare can now live with Rodney forever. Omg better love story than twilight.

If they love each other so much, why aren’t they married? Or even engaged? This is an important question. Or how about, if the Fallen are now defeated forever, what the hell is Rodney gonna do? Is the line of red coasters going to cease to exist now? How does that even work?

IT DOESN’T HAHAHAHAHAHA.NOTHING IN THIS WORLD IS DONE CORRECTLY OR CONSISTENTLY. IT’S ABOUT AS CONSISTENT AS THE P.O.V.

Look at the research put into this winner:

This time Merrylegs covered up, too. She wore a cloak that looked like it was from India. It was red and yellow with patterns all over the fabric.

YEAH THAT’S EXACTLY INDIA. RIGHT THERE.

This book made me laugh till I cried. It was so incredibly bad. Tommy Wiseau would be very proud of this book because not ony is it so Room-like in its quality, but it’s the most quotable book I’ve found in a long time.

I went up to my roommate once, who read alongside me or a bit, and I said, “We need to activate you ride form.” Terrifying I know, but I have that much fun with the utter bullshit nonsense that goes on in this book. It got more annoying towards the end as it became more plot-oriented, but this is the silliest fucking thing I’ve ever come across.

I can guarantee that you will at least chuckle at something that is done poorly in this book. For me, it was the ride form quote, and then the P.O.V. switching. The sheer absurdity of that happening made me lose it and tell me just how low my expectations should be for this “book”.

So going back to my first statement on this: what was the plot of this one? I think it might have been the character study of a red chosen werecoaster, but it might have been something about stopping rides that didn’t do anything to you from doing something bad.

Overall…….no. There is no overall because I just told you the entire story. However...I have a challenge for all y'all.

GHIRARDELLI'S CHALLENGE

Can you tackle this?Can you handle the sheer stupid, odd monster that is Twisted!?CAN YOU RIDE THIS RIDE?Because not everyone...is tall enough to ride!(They just keep coming I'm sorry)

Read this bad boy ALL THE WAY THROUGH...if you dare!!

Just remember.Red Coaster is watching.

“For all we know that coaster could be right under our noses.” Sly announced. “Watching our every move.”

Books are a magical thing. They get you invested in people, worlds, scenarios that aren’t even real or plausible and they make you care about1.5 Stars

Books are a magical thing. They get you invested in people, worlds, scenarios that aren’t even real or plausible and they make you care about them. If done correctly, I should say. Allegiant was certainly the final book of a hype-copter of a series that left millions of readers invested. Like a few other books this past year, it has left a feeling of doubt, anger, and a lot of crying.

But for me, I was left with a sort of empty feeling. Some of the emptiness was filled by frustration, and for the most part, I don’t understand it. So if I leave my thoughts, I think I can at least pass on why this book has 1.5 stars and not a glistening five.

We start off with the idea that there is a whole world beyond Chicago’s fence. I mean that's fairly easy to catch. But I’m concerned as to how anyone could manage to understand the rest of this series, especially when it decides to double onto itself to make THE most convoluted plot I’ve ever had the misfortune to decipher in YA.

Now lemme explain: if this convoluted plot actually made sense and didn’t leave me wanting to go back to the equally stupid but at least interesting concept of the factions, then I wouldn’t be as frustrated as I am. Not nearly. I’ll be stumbling into some spoilers so it’s only fair that I slam the spoiler button.

WHY THE EVERLOVING FUCK DID THIS TAKE SO LONG.Divergent, as you might of guessed, made me interested in the series because the pacing, while crippling and slow, left a snap to it that kept me incredibly invested in whatever the hell was going on. The Factions were originally a stupid idea to me because it easily set up an opening for war. No one looks at that system and says, “Wow what a good idea!” It screams disorganization and inequality. There’s clearly a war to be had.

Now Insurgent gave us a smidge of what was to be expected, and while nothing continued to happen, we get dumped on with the idea that this entire society was only a FEW GENERATIONS OLD. If I remember correctly, it wasn’t even that many generations, like three. That could be any stretch of time that could amount to a century. Do you know HOW MUCH CHANGE can come through a century? You go 100 years ago and you have the start of WWI where helicopters didn’t exist and the Titanic sunk two years before that. Now we have shit called computers that have as much potential as the baby TV/computer/telephone things we shove in our pockets.

There’s no way a system of Factions would last a century without something like the Hunger Games where a war might’ve happened and possibly failed.

Now I’m assuming this was seen as ridiculous, because Allegiant takes this society and makes it an experiment. An experiment to bring forth the Divergent, which is actually defined at last! It’s not just serum-avoiding magic, but genetic purity! Because…because purity is made by fucking around with Mendel Punnett squares! There is ALWAYS a way to fix personality without fucking with everything else! Just look at fruit flies! Now they’re all able to avoid our serums! Thanks, you adorable squares!

NO.LEARN A BIT OF BIO BEFORE YOU THINK THAT THIS MAKES ANY SORT OF SENSE.

The Factions were formed as a means of living and value, why the fuck does genetic material and serums even matter to VALUES and LIVING SITUATIONS. Because those who switch their faction are clearly more genetically pure than those “damaged”? You know, NORMAL people!

Anyhow, the writing for this is a lot of telling. You get that thing I mentioned in the last book’s review where the characters are telling me how they act so I can trust them. “I loved Caleb, but I didn’t want to forgive him because I’m not a forgiving type.” I WANT TO KNOW YOUR TRAITS THROUGH SHOW. The fact that I still got this was a way of saying, “dunno if you know that my character fucking loves the color chartreuse, but I HAVE TO TELL YOU. SO HERE.”

It grates on me so hard and it’s even worse because I got DOUBLE the telling thanks to the dual POV of Tris and Tobias. You’d think that because you have two different people talking, you’d get some difference between the characters…AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA are you fucking serious, since when have you had that in YA. NEVER YOU FUCKERS. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE DIFFERENT CHARACTERS EVER AGAIN.

Is it really hard to change the voice of characters? That should be the easiest thing in the world, but apparently it’s just so hard. :(

But yeah, the whole government was all about making city societies to forge these genetically pure people that do nothing but avoid the serums that they themselves produce because whatever. There actually is no point to the serums except maybe give the heads in the cities some control. THERE IS NO POINT TO THE SERUMS EXCEPT TO BE THERE.

Another thing: I also wouldn’t mind the whole government creation of genetically pure breeding camps if it didn’t completely nullify the idea of the fucking Factions. The Factions purposefully threw people apart and the ONLY time they intermingled was during Choosing Ceremonies and switching over. Like, why establish separation to that extreme and expect pure little genetic babies out of it?

It’s not thought through in the slightest. And it doesn’t help that Tris and Tobias are told this and barely react to it. They react with a cheesy camera zoom-in, gasp, and then it’s gone and they just accept it because it’s outside the fence. URRGHH NO. I think the worst thing to happen was the characters, so I’m gonna go over that way.

CHARACTERS

Tris, first and foremost, is a LOT better than she was in Insurgent. Because I finally figured out what the hell she was doing with her life and her own decisions. She showed her change into the bravery that she originally wanted to have way back in Divergent. But what I didn’t like was that she had to die.

The main reason this irks me is because Tris, above anything else, had shown nothing in her arc to suggest that she had to go and kill herself when clearly Caleb had to redeem himself. His reaction to the situation was great I think. Be scared to commi suicide, realize that’s how everyone will be saved, then accepts his death. HE ACCEPTS IT. THEN TRIS TAKES IT AWAY BECAUSE…???

Now here’s how I would kind of understand Tris’ actions a little more. If she were actually still very caring towards her brother DESPITE his asshole nature and she fought with him to handle the bomb into the Weapons Lab, that’d be something. I’d understand that she is so desperate to save her [last] family member, that she does what she considers the right thing and takes the explosives from him. It’d be reckless, but I see it as brave because she channels the sacrifice like her mother channeled the sacrifice. Because she didn’t care about Caleb at all (while also totally understandable), I’m left with this conclusion of “Uhhh??” for why Tris took Caleb’s position when he clearly chose to redeem himself.

TOBY, however, got infinitely worse in this book. He melted into a pansy. And he was the one to use similes as often as he could as he told other people about his character traits. He started to become Cassandra Clare prose basically and that is NOT what I needed in Allegiant.

Positives for these two consist of their relationship. It is awesome and magical in the sense that they have the struggles of telling the truth and lying to protect each other and they SIT DOWN and DISCUSS these problems. A fucking plus because seriously everything is like, “No I must protect you now sit your ass down and lemme do it blah blah blah”. Tris actually sits and ponders if she really wants to deal with Toby if he keeps acting the way he does, and Toby, while a bit sad about that decision making, understands and doesn’t infringe upon it. You win this round, you two.

What definitely pisses me off to no end (and this was Insurgent as well) was the fact that the side/minor characters are fucking nothing. THEY ARE NOTHING. They have no arcs or situations, and the three people who came close to having such a thing were Christina, Uriah, and Peter.

BUT WHAT HAPPENS? Peter is so ingrained with being a nosy asswipe and a half (but get this, he’s really good on the inside. He doesn’t want to remember what an asshat he was). I would be okay with this if this was fucking present in the series at all. He hurt and assaulted people in the first book, somewhat gets betterby helping Tris because it benefited him, then WHOOSH he doesn’t want to deal with the effects of any of that? It comes out of the sky 80% of the way through the book and blows up what his entire character was about. I’m pissed about this because I enjoyed asshole Peter and the idea that he was beginning a change for the better. Erasing your memories is not a good change.

URIAH was good, up until he just, you know, got blown up. If it felt necessary, again, I would be okay with this. I feel like deaths for characters should have some sort of reasoning attached. I feel cheated when characters just DIE. The upside to this fiasco was that he (unless OTHER dystopias that rhyme with Funger Lames) had closure. Nicely done closure that I can appreciate.

This also goes along with Christina. She had great building in Insurgent or at least at the start of it. She gets more detail with her family, but it’s not like it really goes anyway. We learn about her but that’s…kind of it. She gets her screen tie and then she’s done. I’m not seeing the love for the characters and that breaks my heart a little.

STRUCTURE

This was a lot like Divergent where there’s a ton of decent writing but not much plot movement. This started with a decent jump to outside the fence and before we were a quarter way through the book, we knew what everything really was. That was nice! But then it just did a plateau and nothing happened until a little over halfway through the book. There should be moments that keep you interested that aren’t all romantic subplot related. This is like, Writing 101. Come on now children.

However, I really enjoyed the wrap up of Tris’s death despite it being the route that shouldn’t have been. The closure for Tris was, in my opinion, the best part of the book (and interestingly enough, not because it was finally over and done with). Uriah had a great close, Christina was a little better and there was actual friend bonding with her and Toby which like…never happened until just then in that moment.

The half star is devoted to the few moments in Allegiant that caught my attention and made me feel better about the characters/plot/stuff. The rest was just something I want to forget. It’s way too convoluted and unknowing of what the fuck it wants to be. The fact that I want to go back to the Factions as they were is a message in and of itself.

I feel like this book scarred me that way, but hey, guess what it did do. It made me get way into my own works to go and prove to myself that I can achieve more than what this did. THE SCARRING WILL PUSH ME THROUGH.

Fuck everyone in it.Fuck Clary and her Cloud Strife Shadowhunter gear and her inability to do anything relevant to the plot.Fuck Jace fFuck this book.

Fuck everyone in it.Fuck Clary and her Cloud Strife Shadowhunter gear and her inability to do anything relevant to the plot.Fuck Jace for being a massive prick and unable to choose a goddamn surname.Fuck Valentine for being a dingus.Fuck Jocelyn for being dead weight that lasts a whole trilogy.

Fuck the prose for only talking in witty context that DOESN'T MATTER NOR DOES IT MOVE THE STORY ANY FARTHER.Fuck every simile in this book because there's at LEAST 1000 if there's two per page.

*To everyone who finds this novel lovely: your opinion is respected here as long as you are respectful. That should go without saying.*

Once upon a tim*To everyone who finds this novel lovely: your opinion is respected here as long as you are respectful. That should go without saying.*

Once upon a time, in a golden wood disguised as a beige and brown apartment complex in the snowy fortress of Rochester, New York, a girl on the brink of her 21st year by the code name Ghirardelli decided that diving into the mind of another author was a good idea. A very good idea. A hopefully life-changing dream that would propel her to drive her own mind’s work.

But then

she

read

Shiver.

In short, her experience happened in three stages: Denial, Questioning, then Acceptance Murderous Rampage, depicted below.

“This will get better. Most certainly, I mean, those trailers were adorable!”

“Why is this happening? LEAKING WOMB?”

“WHAT?! Are you kidding me? HOW?!”

Maggie Stiefvater’s Shiver did not completely destroy Ghirardelli’s sanity of course, for such thrillers like Hush, Hush and Halo had already filled that void. Where Fitzpatrick and Adornetto stumbled and fell into their own gook-like feces upon broadening their mind’s eye, Stiefvater was able to create a significant atmosphere on occasion, but these times were seldom.

Shiver tells the tale of a female organism, Grace, falling for a canis lupus, or gray wolf, named Sam. This yellow-eyed wolfy-poo was hers and her alone. It saved her after all, from its own pack that decided that eating a human would be as enjoyable as hunting for livestock. It was a new challenge, but never explained as necessary or for the chortles. However, my dear readers, as enticing as this mythological tale sounds, soon as Ghirardelli turned to the first page, all of Hades’ Underworld came with such nonsense, bovine feces would surely be flung.

Ghirardelli was heartbroken to have such distaste for this story and its need to expand beyond the binding of one novel. She rather enjoyed the trailers, as cute and amateurish (simply the camera work, everything else was precious) as they were, for they spoke out to her inner animator. She was nearly in tears when the story refused to be as simple and eye-catching as the trailer made it seem. She felt that Stiefvater tried far too hard to impress the world with her style.

And so begins Part One of the Deconstruction of Shiver:

Ghirardelli did not have much experience with purple prose. She probably wrote it when she was younger and not very experienced, as what happens with writers who aren’t too keen on how to actually write. Though the violet prose of this tale is severely evident, it’s strange to say that there were indeed several moments where Ghirardelli was quite fond of the writing. Of course, phrases like “golden wood” and “her wolf” were used far too often to bear and Ghirardelli was forced to gag at the sight of them. As well as the repetition of attempted poetic feel, such gems were found through Ghirardelli’s reading.

This moment in time was Sam’s break time between his homeschooling studies. As you can see, this is was Stiefvater thinks a boy through puberty does in his spare time.

"I surfed for photos of circus freaks and synonyms for the word intercourse and for answers to why staring at the stars in the evening tore my heart with longing."

Yes, little Daniel, Ghirardelli had the same countenance. She, too, wondered why this boy found that sounding like a “Twihard Twi-mom” was good for him.

This is a huge fuckin’ problem thought Ghirardelli, who was desperate to keep reading in hopes of a better storyline. Both characters sound the same! They should be sounding like teenagers, but they sound like angsty old women who write crap poetry. It just makes me cringe!

Part Two of the Deconstruction of Shiver:

As Ghirardelli tried to dive deeper into the flat world of Mercy Falls, she found more and more troubles with the characters, particular the ones under the spotlight: Grace and Sam. Both were near identical in speech, and where Sam was against himself and almost too emotional to function, Grace fell between the lines of obsessed, ridiculous, and selfish.

“Her wolf” is all Grace ever talks about the first third of this novel that and the fact that her darling pup had yellow eyes. Because dear readers, nothing says, “Remember this!” like bashing brains in with the knowledge of Sam’s eye color. And Ghirardelli started to lose herself right then and there. Her eyes squinted, her head started to ache, but the words never left.

Ghirardelli realized that the parental units in this novel were negligible. However, when they were around, they were portrayed as parents who didn’t care.

“THEY DON’T CARE?!” shouted Ghirardelli in hysteria. “HOW. HOW DO THEY NOT CARE ABOUT A STRAIGHT A KID. THEY’RE NOT ABUSIVE OR ALCOHOLIC SO WHAT GIVES?”

I do believe Ghirardelli settled down after that, for there were a few nice developmental scenes with our main characters, though Sam seemed to show more connections to Mrs. Grace’s mother than Grace herself. It was a mystery even to her.

All around, the supporting cast of this story filled with angst and wolves were eye-catching. Rachel was fun, Olivia had a good head on her shoulders, Isabel was caring and determined to help her brother, and even Mrs. Grace’s mother was a lovely minor star. Of course, Ghirardelli was sad to see them around for just a short amount of the story.

Part Three of the Deconstruction of Shiver:

Ghirardelli desperately tried to find some word to perfect describe the plot that Shiver had, and all she could come up with was DULL. She found nothing interesting about a candy store adventure or even cuddling up for some tentacle monster movie. She wanted plot to happen, SEE it happen, more than just conversations on Jack and Shelby.

On a minor note here, Ghirardelli did enjoy the twist on werewolf mythology, but as these stories go, the remainder of the myth seems to die in the twist. Ghirardelli enjoys the original stuff; she wishes that it was added back into the change of weather.

But Ghirardelli was hurt further, for when the plot finally arrived, she was appalled. It reeked of Twilight structure, and only existed in the book’s end.

There was a moment that jerked her heart, for it centered around Isabel and her brother, but then the last moments of the book came to a close, and fury grew inside our protagonist. Her final words on the matter were:

(view spoiler)[Inducing a fever with BRAIN-DESTROYING bacterial meningitis can’t do shit for you, especially when you leave it untreated. It most certainly won’t save the human body from a wolf form because you’ll be dead before you ever get to hear the good news. Now tell me how Sam survived that? OH WAIT WE WILL NEVER KNOW. Fuck all. (hide spoiler)]

The remainder of the tale seemed to wrap up completely. As Ghirardelli’s cohort, Cory, had stated on her review, Stiefvater clearly was not planning to forge a trilogy out of these bumbling characters. But she did somehow, and that makes our dear protagonist ever so forlorn, not to mention slightly out of it for having the need to finish the series and review the other two books.

Ghirardelli once believed in Maggie’s creative talents. It showed in her book trailers, and little miss chocolate almost bought Scorpio Races. But she is relieved that she didn’t pick it up, for it may have the same effect that Shiver did.

Epilogue

Ghirardelli

was not pleased.

She fears that she may never be pleased by Stiefvater, but her bar is set, and she will see if Linger brings her what Shiver didn’t.

Rage.Hardcore TURKEY RAGE.(Happy Thanksgiving all my American buddies by the way)

What WAS THIS? This was a book? Really? This didn’t have the compon

Rage.Hardcore TURKEY RAGE.(Happy Thanksgiving all my American buddies by the way)

What WAS THIS? This was a book? Really? This didn’t have the components of a book.Okay...total components: Allusions, characters, exposition, characterization.

There really are no words properly defining my rage. Ally Condie CANNOT tell a story. A story should draw you in with its writing and send you off on an adventre that does a good job at blowing your mind. Crossed did not do that. It refused to do that. In fact, if it were a living person, I’d probably get beat up for asking what the story was. Really, it’s not there. I swear to you, or else I‘d remember this book.

And I don’t.Already.What does that tell you about my attention span for this thingy?

Once upon a time, in my junior year of high school, I thought it’d be fun to write a story. And so I did. Took me a year, but I actually finished a whole draft by graduation. I didn’t look at it forever, then beginning of my sophmore of college, I looked back at it, hated the fuck out of it, and started rewriting it, this time with the knowledge of how to write a series and using themes, motifs, character arcs, climax system, the works.

(My baby’s growing up so nicely and at the rate I’m going, I could be sending queries by April. Here’s to hoping)

But, I can honestly say that the shitty, choppy, “let me tell you a story and nothing else” draft I finished in 2009 had more depth than this discombobulated pile of rubbish.

Crossed had this blurb:

“In search of a future that may not exist and faced with the decision of who to share it with, Cassia journeys to the Outer Provinces in pursuit of Ky - taken by the Society to his certain death - only to find that he has escaped, leaving a series of clues in his wake.

Cassia's quest leads her to question much of what she holds dear, even as she finds glimmers of a different life across the border. But as Cassia nears resolve and certainty about her future with Ky, an invitation for rebellion, an unexpected betrayal, and a surprise visit from Xander - who may hold the key to the uprising and, still, to Cassia's heart - change the game once again. Nothing is as expected on the edge of Society, where crosses and double crosses make the path more twisted than ever.”

I will say that, though the blurb is indeed true to an extent, it is far far FAAAAR more boring than it sounds. And with a cover with as painful a position as this piece of work:

Yeah. No thanks.I’d like to look RELAXED when I’m smushing my boobs and drinking coffee before getting on my toes and breaking my blue bubble shield.

Crossed attempts to tell the story of Cassia’s struggles to find Ky and the Rising to stop the Enemy and the Society and the Capital Letters from being Misused or Strangely Placed in awKward positionS because it’s STUPID.

I’m cool I’m cool...let’s get to the breakdown.

Le writing. As much as this book infuriates me above all reason, I have to give a second star to Condie and her ability to incorporate awesome poetry as well as the ability to write some decent scenes. I only wish these fabulous scenes existed THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE BOOK. I mean, the scene where Cassia and Ky finally reunite? Brilliant. Adorable. Love it to bits. Everything leading up to that? Dull. Slow. Boring. Way too many robots.

But as nicely as Condie can write when she feels like it, it doesn’t cut it. This book is a huge massive mess. We don’t know what anyone is talking about, and we’re forced to cope. Again. Just like Book the First. However, guess what Cassia and Ky have that the Hunger Games cast doesn’t? CHARACTER ARCS YAAAAAAY. Cassia is actually changing, and thank god I see some sort of hope in this book even if the spine of the story is deteriorated to absolutely nothing.

I will reiterate: Condie cannot write a story. She cannot follow the POVs of two different characters. It’s different POVs for a reason. Ky should not sound like Cassia, and Eli should sound a lot younger than the oldest kid Hunter. This comes into the importance of character voices. I mean, doing a voice should be easier in 1st person because you can use fragments and be as choppy as you damn well please.

I know I got a second story involving zombies. It follows a hard-working police officer and a cynical math sub who hates where his futures going. What would happen if they sounded the same? It would sound like this book. It’d be dull, terrible, and so snail-paced, it’s not even funny. Having structure also helps a fuckton, but Condie doesn’t know that yet.

I swear, every time I felt myself getting bored, my eyes would stare at the invisible camera like this:

Characters

Cassia and Ky were basically the same person. They started out having difference, but no, they blended into one being by the end of Crossed. I was happy though, that we got a few new characters who were interesting and had voices all their own: Eli and Indie.

Indie was the shit. She was determined and fierce. I fucking loved her. I’m so glad that we didn’t get her POV because I feel that Condie was going to use her poetic magic to make her a robot like Ky and Cassia. These characters have the potential, they really do. But again, Condie just can’t deliver. I hate to say it, I do, but it pisses me off so much that this book fails because that potential is indeed there. I see it!

I don’t understand the need for the love triangle. I keep forgetting that this was supposed to be one, but it’s clearly not happening anymore. Xander has gotten no screen time in this series. He’s just a name that’s plucked out of one of the bajillion blue tablets once in a while. Ky’s also grown into a dick so I say Cassia should just wander off on her own.

Also, what about the rest of her family? Cassia’s all “KY KY KY” and not about Mr. and Mrs. Reyes, Bram, anybody. Her ‘best friend’ Emma? That Norah chick or whoever? Or how about that Mira girl from page 20 that we never see again ever? My rule for those one scene characters is to give them at least a few lines of dialogue if I’m going to name them. I know I have a number in my first book, but when they’re there, they are actually driving the plot! THEY ARE DOING SOMETHING.

This was just bogus. Nonsensical dumb stuff.SPEAKING OF WHICH......

DAT PLOT STRUCTURE

If you tell me that there is proper structure in this book...

There is structure, but it is a skeleton. It follows a completely different premise of the first. These two don’t even feel like they LINK together, you know? Cassia just says, “I gotta find Ky!” in Matched, and then POOF, she’s already at the Outer Provinces? The fuck? Oh, and lemme list all the capitalized things in this book. Because I found it necessary.

Out of all those things, I can really tell you in detail what...three of them are. Condie just lists these things like, “We don’t want another Warming! YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT IS RIGHT? Too bad, we’re moving along.” Like fuck, woman, you have to inform me what the hell the Warming was, or what Anomalies are (yeah we STILL don’t know). There are way too many questions right now that are just blowing my mind.

The world-building...I tell ya...

I was also left baffled by some of the concepts Condie brought up in this book. One in particular: the red tablets’ effects. Apparently, if one’s immune to the red tablet, they’re part of the Rising. How does that work? Are they born in non-Society boundaries? Why didn’t Ky know this? If you’re Reclassified, how do the red tablets work? THESE ARE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.

Oh and I don’t feel like I’m spoiling on you for this. There is no climax. No hint of a resolution of ANY kind other than, “Derpaderp, you found the Rising.” Like the blurb fucking said Cassia would. And lemme tell you, the paths are indeed twisted more than ever.

Every book in a series should have a climax. Not a big battle, but something that will set the plans in motion for the next book. This book, like Matched, just ends so fucking abruptly that I’m left to go, “WHAT HUH WHY YOU DO THAT?” The way Condie ends things just kills me. Nothing is getting explained, nothing is getting worked out, and I’m sick of going on about this series.

It is not good.It’s so annoying to read.

I can’t keep doing this to myself. I’m gonna finish up a good book. One that has a plot, and an ending, and words that tell a story.

The half is there for the sole reason that Hush, Hush did not irk me as much as Halo did. I’m a little confused by that but whatevs.

Wow.Just1.5 Stars

The half is there for the sole reason that Hush, Hush did not irk me as much as Halo did. I’m a little confused by that but whatevs.

Wow.Just wow. No, this is not a good wow.This is a “Holy shit, you really did that didn’t you? I can’t fucking believe that” kind of wow.A wow that just destroys my very soul and forces me to wonder WHY someone could possibly like a book such as this. But don’t worry, I have an explanation as to why someone could enjoy these honey bunches of pages because I too was feeling the tug that Fitzpatrick was trying to put on me. More on that later in the review.

But let’s get started with my first statement on this subject matter. This is my first taste into the world of YA’s terrifying epidemic. The tragic disease known as “rape culture”, the new culture of Young Adult books focusing on physical abuse and awkward closeness and “No means Yes” as A-okay for a healthy, sparkly, loving relationship! Because it’s so real and relatable or something.

Honestly, is anyone that much of a masochist, to allow themselves to get beat up and say, “Ohh yeah baby you got it”? What deranged demon possessed these authors to create such beastly, horrid books that encourage this utter nonsense? I’ll tell you what demon: Raphy the Rape Devil (the “h” is silent). Raphy goes and poisons the mind of these PNR authors that were apparently all there when they wrote these damn books. I call shenanigans on that, by the by.

Oh right, I have to talk about the book.

Hush, Hush is a book with a title that sounds interesting but has no meaning to whatever story was in this book. Actually, if I think of it by Raphy and the Rape Culture View, Hush, Hush is what Patch always to shut up Nora so he could abuse her. That’s my thought anyway. Normally I’d feel bad for someone in Nora’s position, but 10 times out of 9, she just takes it and gets turned on and shit. It’s disgusting.

But let’s get to the breakdown we’re all waiting for, yes?

There were too many times that the style Fitzpatrick used bothered me. The upside was that we were definitely in Nora’s head, but it was SO MUCH SO that I wanted out of Nora’s head. I must also say that even though the characters themselves were horrible stupid people, I could still tell who said what in quotes. The characters had voices of their own, as similar as they were.

But lemme get to what I mentioned earlier about how people could enjoy this. I’m a fan of shoujo manga, like the stupid nonsensical, “the hell is even happening?” shoujo manga. It’s this kind of nonsense that Hush, Hush must have based itself off of. If I had first seen this is a manga format, and I kid you not, I might have enjoyed it. Because it’s dumb and isn’t supposed to make sense, and pictures!

Instead, Becca Fitzpatrick was honestly trying for a serious story with serious bad boy tones and stalkers! Patch is supposed to be our bad boy love interest. A tortured soul or whatever. And she pulls it off with phrases like:

"Call me Patch. I mean it. Call me."

"Soap. Shampoo. Hot water.”“Naked. I know the drill.”

This isn’t remotely cute or endearing!! Becca, do you hear me? WHAT IS CUTE AND ENTICING ABOUT THIS DUMB KID? Even if he’s a bad boy, we should find something that draws us to him. But no, we just watch Nora draw him in like, “Ohmigawd he so bad and yet so good! ME WANT, ME WANT.” And yet we don’t even know why the fuck she wants him and his ass.

But yes, this is why I was feeling Fitzpatz’s tug on getting me to like this book. I saw it as a stupid shoujo and I was actually enjoying myself for a time. As fucked up and strange as that is...it’s how I saw it. Also the wonderful advice from Karen (I think? I’m sure it was Karen), to treat Hush, Hush as a big fat joke really helped me out through this. I’m not as enraged as I was when I finished Halo.

She also said fairly stupid things like:

“I affected a yawn.”--How does one affect a yawn?

“Because other angels were good. Patch was not.”-- YOU FIGURED IT OUT!!

It was so STUPID for a girl who was supposedly Harvard-smart to think like this. Lololol this was such a dumb book.

Oh right there were characters in here, weren’t there?Let’s tear them up.

Nora “I’M DRAWN TO UNREAL ATTRIBUTES OF THE OPPOSITE SEX” Grey

This girl is dumb. Really dumb. HOWEVER, she is smarter than Bethany Church. She is smarter than a rock (even if it’s just a little bit). She does take initiative when she’s trying to keep from Patch. But of course, that has to be short lived because c’mon, when is a book about something other than romance interesting? Nora has to fall in lust with Patch and hunt down his past! That is the only way Young Adult works derrr.Oh what’s that? You want to know how Nora tries to figure out Patch’s past before molesting his scar?

WELL, instead of the rational thing and just sitting him down and chatting, Nora makes this big deal about going to his private file (you know, private records that are private for a REASON?), and digging more about him.

Actual quote on the matter: “So what if there was private information inside? As Patch's biology partner, I had a right to know these things.”

No one has a right to anyone’s files but their own. It’s common sense, common courtesy, and Im sure she’d get kicked out of school or suspended or something if caught. So to avoid getting caught, Tweedle Nora and Tweedle Vee CALL IN A BOMB THREAT. Because that’ll get everyone out of the school and get the whole police force IN the school and completely defeat the purpose.

Also, I want to elaborate on a particular point in this book where Nora gets his record and finds nothing on immunization and finds it wrong. I am not immunized. I had to sign legal papers to be accepted into a New York college, etc etc, it’s a difficult process.

Moving on to why this moment really pissed me off. Nora thought it “wasn’t right” for Patch to have no immunization record. This is as if Fitzpatrick is relaying her beliefs on me that “anyone is weird and not right if they’ve never been immunized”. Doing that on top of rape culture? Fuck you to hell. I don’t have an immunization record, but you don’t see me losing it, or being ‘not quite there’. I get legitimately sick a total of 2-3 days a year. I’m a healthy kid.

Nora really isn’t a person, or a cutout of an archetype. She’s a puppy to Patch’s will, and that in itself simply infuriated me. But like this immunization biz, Nora just can’t wrap her head around simple concepts. Like there are indeed people in this world without a Facebook, blog, or Myspace, and they still exist. You don’t need access to a social site to exist, just a beating heart.

She also finds it A-okay to talk about her dead father. Now that’s one thing. I’m more than glad that Nora is not trying to hide him like Vanessa Sands did with her sister in goddamn Siren. But when she does talk about him, she talks about how he was murdered like it’s casual conversation. She isn’t even FAZED by it. What? I still choke up when I talk about my dead dog! I’m so confused.

Enough about that Nora chick. I don’t like her.

PATCH “IMMA BAD BOY” CIPRIANO OR WHATEVER

This is a boy that makes girls squeal apparently by saying things such as:

“I wanna do a lot of things to your body.”“Well I’m in need of a healthy female sacrifice. I’d planned on luring her into trusting me first...”“I like vulnerable woman.”“I did plan on killing you.”

EVERYONE’S NORMAL REACTIONS WOULD BE THIS

But Patch will always be there to getcha. Alllllllwaaaaayssssssss....

*shudder*

Patch is a rapist. He is abusive, strange, and an asshole. A HUGE asshole, even more asshole than the lovable assholes of every shoujo manga I ever read. He wears a baseball cap and tends to get shirtless and has an awkward lambda-like scar on his back. Patch is a bad dude. Not the lovable bad boy, but the “YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING” bad boy.

Not once did I find Patch reassuring, kind, helpful, respectful, funny, or interesting. It was a steaming pile of shit and rape. All he wants is Nora’s legs, preferably open me thinks. God I just can’t express my hatred for Patch. I’m too tired to think about it.

Vee was a dumb friend, somehow feeling happy and go-lucky while on PAINKILLERS (they don’t work that way). She was helpless and stupid. I’m surprised that even Nora had a brain cell or two more than her.

Why was Elliot so evil? Why was he just killed and what not? Are we ever diving into Papa Grey’s murder orrr...?

I’m sick of these characters, let’s move on.

DAT STRUCTURE

What structure? Oh the usually Twilight structure of LOVE LOVE LOVE then last 15% of book can be plot I guess. Nora was Bella, Patch was a worse version of Eddiekins, and the whole clusterfuck called Hush, Hush was just an introduction into the world of rape culture.

The littler tykes gotta know this: ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS ARE BAD. There is nothing healthy or life-changing about an abusive boyfriend and “He hurts me cuz he loves me”. It’s sick, degrading, and horrifying. There is NOTHING RIGHT ABOUT IT SO STOP PRAISING IT AS RIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME, FITZPATZ AND SMALLER TEENAGE GIRLS OF THE WORLD.

This is glorifying abuse. This is glorifying terrible things that are frowned upon in today’s society. What is this book.

Moving on, there was no structure in this book, but I didn’t need to tell you all that since I’m a little late to the Snark Party. Nothing was happening in a decent order. Jules/Chauncey was a stupid villain because he wasn’t even around enough to be considered as such in my eyes. Fitzpatz cleverly avoided characterization.

Overall, why are you picking this up and trying to enjoy it? If you MUST enjoy it, enjoy it as a stupid shoujo manga. You might get some entertainment out of it. Other than that, this book is just fucking horrible. TERRIBLE. You don’t care about anyone in here. Nothing life-changing happens, and nothing is even remotely exciting.

Too many times did I sit and go, “Nora’s gone get raped isn’t she? WHY ISN’T SHE RUNNING. WHY IS SHE SO DEAD PAN I DON’T GET IT.” I was utterly appalled.

This is a really really dumb book. So dumb that I had a hard time getting my snark out. You can tell by all the gifs I used herpderp. Whatever.

Bethany Church, the perfect little angel from Halo, has forced me to create a new shelf, called “WHO LET YOU BE HEROINE?”

Because really, Bethany, whoBethany Church, the perfect little angel from Halo, has forced me to create a new shelf, called “WHO LET YOU BE HEROINE?”

Because really, Bethany, who in their right mind would let someone like you be the heroine of their book. Answer: people who have some vendetta against interesting, flawed, and actually likable characters.

Hades sets off on a journey six months after the events of Halo with Xavier and Bethany being murdly in lurve and such. Haha, I’m saying events like something actually happened in Halo outside of the creepy love these two have for each other.

Let’s just continue…

We open with Bethany and Xavier being attached at the hip all through Bryce Hamiltion High. Oh golly they’re graduating hurray! Too bad that’ll do nothing to help their intelligence levels, especially since Bethany follows every single thing Xavier enjoys. Seriously, look at this sack of gold right here.

“Must the two of you embody every cliché in the book?” Xavier and I looked at each other and grinned. “Yes,”.

Right when I encountered these two twinkling pieces of glorified shit, I knew I was diving deep into the pit of Hell. HELL. IT IS CALLED HELL. You refer to Hell as Hades when you’re following Greek mythology. And Hades, better known as the Underworld, held ALL souls, not just those who sinned. Ugh, I’m just going to move on.

This girl, this Bethany Chruch, is the most idiotic heroine I’ve ever had the misfortune of reading. I mean, she does this laughable nonsensical séance (she’s that AGENT OF LIGHT, remember? From Book the First? Oh wait that stopped being important I forgot whoops), and manages to get tricked into a motorcycle ride.…WHAT. WHY ARE YOU- WHAT. How do you let yourselves get tricked onto a motorcycle? It’s like being tricked into smoking a cigarette! Or being tricked into eating junkfood! Can’t be done nope.

Oh wait best part, Bethany gets MORE helpless once she hits the bottom of Hell, which is…get this, you ready?...full of hotels and nightclubs.Hotels and nightclubs!

HELL IS SUPPOSED THE LAND OF PUNISHMENT RIGHT? It is all torture and punishment, isn’t it?! I mean, it holds Lucifer and the angels that rebelled with him against God, you know the whole Christianity thing? This should be more demonic rather than full of nightclubs and hotels! RIGHT?!

…Apparently not. I was Adornetto’d.

OH, but we’re following Bethany! How will we ever find out about what Xavier and the gang are up to?! WE’LL JUST HAVE A PLOT DEVICE. This plot device was found in the *ahem* “Lake of Dreams”. Bethany uses this to send her spirit to Earth and snoopity snoop on Gabe, Ivy, and Xavier. This just forces the book to be so unnecessarily lengthy and STUPID. I would’ve done so much better if Beth’s stay in ‘Hades’ was short-lived. Hell, it might’ve been more interesting that way.

Uggggh.I don’t feel like writing much more, but I’ll give the specifics for characters.

Bethany: Should not be the heroine. Ever.

Xavier: Without Bethany, it’s painfully evident that he hates women. He talks down to every single one he comes across. Fuck you Xavier. You hateful, slimy bastard. I wish you drove ALL the way off the cliff.

Molly: No development other than trying to get into Gabriel’s pants.

Gabriel and Ivy: Equally robotic and unnecessary.

Lucifer a.k.a. Big Daddy: Is a pimp apparently.

Jake Thorn: Has promise to be a quarter of the way decent then it spurts out just as quickly as it comes up. Jake and his cat-green eyes can die a slow death.

I CAN’T.

These people are all terrible and it managed to be even more painful than Halo. There was a bit more plot here, but it’s so jumbled and sprinkled over top a half-assed storyline, that it really doesn’t count.

I must be out of my mind to need to finish this series.

Fuck this book.Fuck Bethany and her “purity” garbage.Fuck everyone in this book.

I've learned my lesson, world.

If I'm to read Heaven, it will come to me on a silver platter with the most glorious aromas coming from it. ...more

I don’t have enough snark on Goodreads. Granted, snark has been around and around and around this site and my*There are spoilers somewhere. Whatever.*

I don’t have enough snark on Goodreads. Granted, snark has been around and around and around this site and my addition of snark into the Halo series will drown in the other snark-filled reviews that will have clearly better points than me. Even so, I felt that I had to read this so I could join the Snark Army and contribute to the world and try to save fellow readers from this big, fat, ugly mess.

Mess....

“Mess” doesn’t quite do it for me. I could go with poor excuse for literature. I could go with monstrosity as well. I think I may just go with Brain Killer. That’ll work.

It’s because of literary attempts like these that I can sit down and say, “Hey, I may have a plot hole that I missed in my series, but at least I didn’t write Halo and thought it was the best of my ability.” Any mistake I make I feel will be okay and minor because it can never amount to the sheer fuckery that is this book attempt at a story.

Now I’ll be straight with all of you before I start. This review won’t be too intense on angel mythology fuck ups and what not, for the reason that I don’t really know much about angel mythology (and personally I don’t really care for it because I don’t find it that fascinating). Maybe that’ll change someday I dunno, but for now, there’s not much for me to say in the terms of angel mythology except for maybe...one thing? And that’ll be talked about later when I dive into how vapid and dull all of these characters are.

I would also like to say that I am not a religious person. I don’t really know what to call myself. I’m possibly agnostic, maybe even atheist. I’m pro-evolution so I guess that tells you where I stand. I have a feeling that because of my standing in terms of religion, this brain killer was bashing my head in with the goodness of the Lord and what not. Constantly preachy. That feeling may just be me not caring about religion. Honestly, all religions have all the same stories and it really all blends into a huge blur for me. So to me, I could give less of a fuck for it. Sorry if that offends anyone, but it’s my opinion and I stand by it.

I’m also quite sad that a cover as pretty and interesting as this one hides away a fluffy Three Musketeers-esque story about NOTHING.

Alexandra Adornetto’s Brain Killer is supposed to be a tale about Bethany the angel and her siblings, Gabriel and Ivy. They embark on a HOLY JOURNEY to go and save Venus Cove from some Agents of Darkness or something. No seriously, Agents of Darkness. And our angel heroes are Agents of Light. Can I join this agency, too? Can humans be made Agents of the Agency of Brightness Levels? Can I get an explanation for any of this or are we gonna dive - yeah we’re going right in with nothing nevermind. Here’s the summary:

“Three angels – Gabriel, the warrior; Ivy, the healer; and Bethany, the youngest and most human – are sent by Heaven to bring good to a world falling under the influence of darkness. They must work hard to conceal their luminous glow, superhuman powers, and, most dangerous of all, their wings, all the while avoiding all human attachments.Then Bethany meets Xavier Woods, and neither of them is able to resist the attraction between them. Gabriel and Ivy do everything in their power to intervene, but the bond between Xavier and Bethany seems too strong.The angel’s mission is urgent, and dark forces are threatening. Will love ruin Bethany or save her?”

I’m...I’m sorry. What the hell is this? Where was the scene that showed the effort of hiding their wings and glow and powers? Gabriel and Ivy never do anything in their power to intervene with Xavier x Bethany because of some circle of higher-ups that say, “Lol fuck it”. And if Bethany’s mission was urgent and she had a single brain cell in her, she’d know that her mission was more important that some WALNUT-HAIRED boy who can changes his eyes from blue to turquoise to aqua to sapphire to azure to fuckin’ rainbow.

Also, if these dark forces were elaborated on ONCE in this entire book, I may have a shred ‘o dread for our world. But no, we get nothing, because we’re all dumb YA readers and will soak up everything useless and pointless. This brings me to...

The Great Breakdown from Hell

OHMIGOSH see what I did there? Get it, Adornetto? Ya get it?! *ahem* So the writing for this. I really don’t think I need to explain many things about it. It’s down right shitty. Adornetto throws in this poetic nonsense that doesn’t even match with what she’s trying to tell at times and it’s just a giant glob of “Where the hell am I?” Her dialogue is petty, her descriptions are useless (SNAKE-GREEN! RAIN-GRAY! CAT-GREEN!), and she has zero grip on her tale of supposed misfortune and grief.

You know something is going to be terrible when even the WRITER can't figure out what's going on in his/her story. HONESTLY! Adornetto must have just thrown this shit together and said, "Haha, mom, look what I can do! And I'm only nineteen! Aren't ya proud of me?" Nothing in this beast was planned. All I can say is that there was an attempt and even that became washed out because of the love that Xavier and Bethany supposedly shared. Why did I torture myself with this.

Another thing I noticed was her punctuation. She’s what, 19? 20? And she doesn’t know how to correctly punctuate a sentence? The only example I remember is the one I have for Jake, which will be mentioned later on. I swear Jake had a cat on him because of Adornetto’s successful apostrophes.

Structure must have been on a hot ass date with Plot because neither showed up for the Brain Killer PARTAY. I’ll mention the Magic 3 system again here. The best structure I’ve seen, and swear by, follows three main climaxes: Beginning, Middle, Final. Each one is important in terms of writing/advancing character drives, developments, and even out the flow of plot and pacing. So while reading Brain Killer, it was strikingly obvious in places that nothing was going anywhere any time soon. It’s like I was getting backhanded for daring to try and find it. My poor head hurts so much.

Now I gotta move onto the characters before I start getting too into the lack of story.

BETHANY ZEE BEST ANGEL EVUR:

Bethany is as dumb as it gets. Bella at least had motives, as stupid as they were, but Bethany just doesn’t have anything about her that’s appealing. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. You get my point. She is a dumb little monkey whose perfect angelness allows her to learn things at ridiculous speeds and can perfect them in a matter of hours. Bullshit.

She also makes real shitty choices. “Oh I’m an angel, but I don’t know about drinking, so I’m just gonna chug my heart out at this partay and think nothing of it TEE-FUCKIN-HEE.” She has no common sense, no common courtesy, actually, I don’t think she has anything more than a hollow skull. Bethany is a shitty heroine. I don’t even think she’s a heroine at all. She’s not even a girl. She’s not even an angel. She’s not even a character. She’s just poop in the form of a supposed main character trying to relate to the reader and ends up failing SO HARD that it’s not even funny. It’s downright infuriating.

She also says that she has fallen in love with Xavier. Now that is one thing I know about angels. If they say that they love someone, I'm pretty sure they fall. Which did not happen. Because Bethany is just so precious and godly and a Mary Sue.

Her mannerisms fluctuated between somewhat righteous and flat-out nonsensical. I had no idea what her drive was or what the hell she wanted to do. She was just a dumbass head over heels for a kid who’d be considered a shoobie on Rocket Power. It’s time like these that I must selfishly throw in the awesomeness of Harvey Swick from The Thief of Always.

Harvey Swick is ten years-old, learns to appreciate his time on Earth, and saves his friends and family from a crazed otherworldly entity that longs to munch on his soul.Bethany is an angel that appears 17 that falls in love with OH MY GOSH a boooooooy and learns nothing.

Yeah, fuck that noise. Bethany is just dull dull dull. I spit at failures like her. I honestly can’t fathom my hatred for this girl. She and fuckin’ Xavier and their stereotyping ways.

LORD XAVIER OF WOODS:

This little buttmunch. He was perfect, too. The school captain of Bumblefuck High, head of like...four different teams or something, and just plain hunky. Oh and he’s got a hundred-watt smile, so wear your shades, ladies. Xavier’s got the props to be a great wingman to the perfect lil’ Mary Sue, as stated by Ms. Adornetto herself during Generic Prom Scene #390993481A. Of course, he doesn’t actually GET to prom because of whatever reason I skipped over. It doesn’t matter anyway. It didn’t make the story better.

Xavier was just as shitty as Bethany, dare I even say more so. I was sitting and rereading Twilight I swear. Xavier was an asshole. He would force feed Bethany like she was a goddamn four year-old. I dunno who did that to you, Adornetto when you were 17 three or so years ago, but I know that if someone tried to do that to me, they’d have a scrunched-in face. They’d become part maine coon kitty.

I think what really killed me of course was just his relationship with Bethany. Every time they would chat, there’d be this discussion of boys liking things like motorcycles for the sole reason that they had a dick. Right, of course. Dicks scream bikes. Complete sense. Gotcha. The extreme stereotyping in this book really made me hurl. I couldn’t stand the obnoxious lines that I read. Xavier is just a condescending jerkwad and does sports sports sports like ALL BOYS DO! He goes against his parents wishes, and contradicts himself when he praises family values a number of times. It’s all just a big clusterfuck.

This brings me to another point. Women are seen as weak and shallow. The fuck is that about? And why do they crawl back to their male overlords and say, “Oh my, we have failed you I am so sorry! PUNISH MEEEEE.” Like, Gabriel’s word is the final word in their assigned house with no electronics and shit. And if I remember correctly, Ivy is higher ranked and yet she’s all, “Lol Gabe you are SOOOOO right! :)” What kind of fuckery are you trying to teach, Adornetto?

I’m just gonna move on because...ugh. I can’t stand this.

JAKE ‘KITTEN’ THORN:

Jake Thorn is the cat that tries to steal Bethany away from Xavier-What? You don’t think Jake is a cat? But...he purrs and has snake/cat green eyes.Well, if he isn’t a cat, he definitely HAS one. Says so right here:"Jake’s face was molded into a mask of earnestness and concern, but his cat’s eyes glinted dangerously..."Good punctuation work, Adornetto. Gold star for you, darlin’.

We are first introduced to Jake in Bethany’s english class, where he stands out for being gothy and cool-like. I imagine a darker version of Jimmy Neutron’s Nick. Anywho, Jake Thorn proves himself awesome by reciting Edgar Allan Poe’s Annabel Lee. This got me incredibly angry, but not because of the reference itself.

Anyone can reference anything in a book. Sure thing, go ahead, I’m not stopping you. However, if you are using someone as awesome as Edgar Allan Poe’s ANNABEL LEE, to use as a tool to get girls to swoon over your antagonistic character named Jake Thorn rather than for an actual symbolic purpose or meaning, that’s where I draw the fucking line. Poe is my man; we share the same birthday. We are birthday buddies. NO ONE DOES THAT SHIT TO MY BIRTHDAY BUDDY.

Jake, with his cat-green eyes (what), purring, and leather jacket that’s really just kitty fur cause he’s so evil or something, finally gets the plot rolling. And that’s probably the only reason why I like him. Also, he’s British. Cause evil people always have to be British, don’t they? Jake Thorn: British Evil Goth Cat. DOODLE BUGS, I CHALLENGE YOU TO DRAW THIS.

And because I have to make the Bruce Campbell comparison:

Jake’s the

To Bethany’s

No one else really matter in this story. Molly was somewhat okay, but never left an impression on me. Gabe and Ivy were robots mostly and Taylah (TAYLAH?!) and whoever else was in school just didn’t work as characters. Oh yeah, Xavier had a family or something. They didn’t matter. Not at all.

Plot-wise, this book suffered from Twilight/Divergent syndrome. NO PLOT WHATSOEVER until the last 10% or so of the book. Just stupid and dumb and annoying. And even then, the ending was just about rescuing Bethany and saving the day or some garbage. Anti-climactic and all-around pointless.

I’ve never been so angry with a book. Never ever. This was a preachy book about dumbass characters expressing unhealthy relationships and views against women. I really don’t think I can handle Hades or Heaven unless they end up being ridiculously and humorously terrible.

I'm sorry to those who enjoyed this book, but I was not amused.In fact, I was severely disappointed.What did I think of The Forest of Hands and Teeth?

I'm sorry to those who enjoyed this book, but I was not amused.In fact, I was severely disappointed.And it HURTS me to be disappointed because zombies. Freaking. Zombies.

But no, guys. No. Love comes first. In every story, you will ever read again, the main character's love life is the top priority.And not just their love life! NO IT HAS TO BE A TRIANGLE TOO. Everything has to be goddamn love triangles every waking moment. Please think of my braincells. Please think of them and all they've suffered through. My god.

But let's get into this book. It was a good attempt, and I'm being nice in saying that. And honestly, I really don't have to much to say before the breakdown so let's just get it over with.

Boop...

The writing irked me muchly. First person present is a pain to me, especially when it's done incorrectly. In my short experience with it, you have to go the extra mile to really get your readers into the story if you are going with present tense. More effort is needed to get your reader to ignore the tense. Moira Young did it right, while Carrie Ryan did it wrong.

The prose didn't give me any sense of dread or horror that it should have brought full force. It focused too much on things that tried to be important but just weren't. Honestly, I don't even think Mary's mother's death was even important. There were a few things that were unnecessary in this story.

I felt no attachment whatsoever to any of the characters portrayed in this story except for Cass, because she seemed to be the only character who acted like anyone was supposed to during a zombie nightmare. Whenever Cass wasn't involved, I was skipping pages. Living Mary's life was boring. BORING! IN A ZOMBIE NOVEL.

HOW CAN YOU MESS UP ZOMBIES?

A: By writing those GODFORSAKEN LOVE TRIANGLES THAT DON'T EVEN WORK RIGHT.

It's one thing if you need to have that human relation, but c'mon, it's not all that hard. It really isn't. Build them, Ryan. You have to build characters. That's how stories work.

I will now continue onto these said characters with official surnames provided by moi.

Mary "I M OCEAN" Mariana

Mary was boring, and obsessed about two things only: Travis Limpitruck and the ocean. That was it. And it wasn't even trips to the ocean or just loving it, but it was believing that the ocean existed. Alright, I understand that seeing the ocean for the first time would be huge. Like, "Golly gee look at this!" I understand her craving, but this ocean love comes off as obsessed, hopelessly obsessed. It scares me.

She complains and COMPLAINS, envies her best friend (I can see why. Cass' clearly the better character), and has a boy who'd commit seppuku for her. I honestly don't see why this girl isn't accepting Harry's appreciation and running towards Travis like he's the last boy in the village. WHY. We are never told why Mary loves the fuck out of Travis. She just does. And we're forced to cope.

Also I had to laugh at her obsession with Gabrielle, the Outsider she had a ten second conversation with. I understand that she is the drive to get out of the village and proof of the outside, but in all seriousness, I wouldn't be surprised if Mary had become infatuated with her. Hell I bet when Mary has a kid, she's gonna name her Gabrielle to honor her or some shit. (Also, how come Gabrielle was the Fast One? Cause she had a red vest like Marty McFly?) Oh wait, we're not diving into that, it's about love, it's about love. WHICH BRINGS ME TO...

Travis "Beecuz I Lub Hur" Limpitruck

Travis was the boy that Mary just loved and loved like crazy. So much love. SO MUCH OF IT. And why? Lol, who cares? We have zombies, right? Oh no, it is about love after all. Travis vs. Harry. THE SHOWDOWN OF THE BROTHERS. Except it's poorly done, incredibly stupid, and downright boring. Later on, thank god, I find out why Travis was gawking like crazy over Mary and that eased up this love for a little bit. Hell, it even gave him some character. FINALLY.

(view spoiler)[His death was actually done quite nicely. I was a little bummed when he died, but Mary was just so selfish about her ocean and shit that I just shook my head and kept reading. "Oh why didn't I realize that he was everything?!" Mary, you're so STUPID. (hide spoiler)]

Frankly, I can't go into the other characters because they weren't developed enough for me. No one else tried to develop except maybe Jed and Cass "Come at Me" Blues. Jed had good emotional reactions to his hardships, as did Cass. Maybe that's why I didn't mind them so bad. Harry was no one, Jacob was no one, Argos was no one, you get my point.

I didn't care about this characters, which is an important thing to build if you want someone to enjoy your story if I remember correctly...NO WAIT. It's about love. It's all about love, I forget. It's not about survival or life or overpowering the zombies.

This book was just so INFURIATING TO ME. There are too many questions left that needed answering, the prose was weird, there were grammar mistakes, there was the shittiest ending since Matched, UGHGHGHGHGHGKDFJBNVLKDSJBG.

I will say this though, as much as I seem to rage fest on this review, your opinion may be totally completely different. This book has very mixed reviews, so who knows? You might just have more love for it than I do. And I am A-okay with that.

I personally don't recommend it, but if you're curious, why the hell not? Might as well try your luck, right?

EDIT: Gave the book another star because it still has a book-length plot, however small, and the romance is not the main focus. It far exceeds other YEDIT: Gave the book another star because it still has a book-length plot, however small, and the romance is not the main focus. It far exceeds other YA books in that aspect, but only that aspect.

OKAY. First things first before we get started...

Tricia Rayburn's 'Siren' will now be called 'Mermaid' to avoid confusion.

The Sirens from Greek mythology were 2-5 bird women (or just women) that lived on rocky islands. I don't think a name is ever specified. They lured sailors to their death with their alluring voices and music.Now in other languages, the word mermaid is based on the word 'siren', like the Spanish 'sirena'. I do understand the confusion so I'll regrettably let the mermaid-like siren bit slide. I still don't like that some people just won't research TO MAKE SURE, but I'll deal.Also, so that I've said it somewhere, I have sirens in my series in progress, and I've actually gave them shark-like tails as well the bird qualities so both sides of the spectrum are satisfied and no one gets butthurt over it.Originality points? Maybe? Bah, moving on...

Tricia Rayburn's Mermaid. The book that actually had a somewhat intriguing plot, but never really worked out. The plot would have worked if it actually felt like it was in the right order and not missing pieces ohhh I dunno FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Does that make sense? If not, don't worry, it gets worse. The back summary told us about Justine and her SUPER DEEP DARK SEKRETS, but instead, we get this adventure about finding a kid named Caleb that we really didn't know too much about except that he TOTES got it on with Justine the last two summers. We're looking for this Caleb for nearly 2/3 of the way through Mermaid and I assure you, I was skimming from the boredom. We get the secrets through Mrs. Sands and not from Vanessa finding stuff out other than, "Oh, my sis wasn't going to Dartmouth after all. WHYYYY?".

VANESSA. Justine at her twenty pages of living gets enough characterization to show that without her, Vanessa is a helpless little nothing because she's scared of fucking everything. LIKE, EVERYTHING. Heights, water, boys, the dark, pretty girls, and possibly breathing itself. Anywho, she was a dull character. She had hair on her head, her eyes turned out to be silver, because you know, after seventeen years of looking in a mirror, she didn't realize that her eyes were SILVER (view spoiler)[from being a plot siren (hide spoiler)].

"Did I have any sisters? Or did I become an only child the second Justine hit the water at the base of Chione Cliffs?" This quote. This made me hate Vanessa with a passion. This is also maybe a week or so (Rayburn never clues us in on TIME in this novel) after Justine's death. Fucking Vanessa thinks it's fucking cool to GO AND QUESTION HER SISTER EVER BEING AROUND. And to say it in such a way is just so insane. If she loved Justine so so much, why not mention her? Isn't she your pal? Maybe it's my morals, but if I lost my awesome sister, I wouldn't even hesitate to mention her, no matter the circumstance. Sure, you leave out death details, but even thinking about excluding a dead family member is just so wrong to me. It's hateful and doesn't honor the loved one. Vanessa, you're a sick fuck in my eyes just from that little motion.

Her relationship was Simon was somewhat okay. Simon wasn't an asshole, but he was as close to a cookie cutter nerd as you could get. They liked talking about the changes in the weather that meteorologists couldn't see with their radars because the storms never showed up and because fuck science. Her lap dancing on Simon after she found out that her BFF's older sister just might've killed her sister (view spoiler)[when we are actually told that Justine leapt because the sea 'called her after saltwater seeped into her nasty cut' or some bullshit that's never dove into (hide spoiler)] seemed absolutely unrealistic and stupid.

The prose wasn't memorable. It was just Vanessa telling us about Winter Harbor and their awesome chowder. We never really get into her mind. We don't get why Justine was saying stuff in her head (it never gets explained because fuck explanations). We're not told a lot of things, and the twist with Vanessa's dad, the only character I really enjoyed, just seemed so plot-device that I read past and ignored that it ever happened. Why?

(view spoiler)[Well Vanessa discovered she was a siren, but her voice was never seen as alluring, she never needed saltwater until AFTER she found out about her secret, and this random subplot doesn't do anything except give Vanessa the ability to be awesome because it's not explained very well. So fuck that shit. (hide spoiler)]

It allowed Vanessa to go and save the day even though she's so scared of everything. She didn't overcome her fears, she just used her magic to use the nitrogen tank and freeze all of Winter Harbor.

FREEZE WINTER HARBOR.YEAH THEY FROZE THE TOWN TO STOP THE SIRENS FROM BEING SIRENS.AND VANESSA AND BETTY AND CALEB AND SIMON AND ALL THE MEN IN DANGER SURVIVED.

Mermaid was not painfully hilarious like Evermore, it was just sad. It has a bit of potential but it's just not used...at all. I'm not interested in reading the second one, but I guess I'll have to because it's a series herp derp. Lord help me because I'm not ready to go through this again.

P.S. Rayburn, if YOU even READ The Odyssey, then you (and Vanessa cause she referenced it), should have known that the Siren description. Stay away from my Greek myths unless you have a neat way to twist 'em.["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>...more

This is a story of a girl named Ever.....EVER. EVER BLOOM. WHAT. Ever wanders around in like, California and liiiike, hangs out with her friends HavenThis is a story of a girl named Ever.....EVER. EVER BLOOM. WHAT. Ever wanders around in like, California and liiiike, hangs out with her friends Haven, the girl in constant phases and Miles, the flamboyant gay (because you know, gay guys can ONLY BE FLAMBOYANT). And one day, Damen Auguste walks into school, and he's like, GORGEOUS. Not because he's the generic hottie new kid, but because EVER TOTALLY CAN'T SEE HIS AURA OH MY GOSH TRUE LOVE.

Noel's prose is annoying as all hell, with sentence structure that try and fail at a poetic feel. I've also developed the Ever Reasoning Response: "Not because ________, but because [Psychic reasoning here]." If I owned the book, I would highlight how many times she said that.

This book was painfully boring with Damen's Cullen-esque physique/intentions and Ever's 'I'm psychic' shpeel. Look, Noel, if you WANT me to ENJOY Ever's ability, then MAYBE you should've gone deeper into how it works and not how tingly she gets when Damen touches her hand, yes? The plot didn't help at all, though I'm glad it tried to stretch out over the book and not shove itself into the end like Twilight and Divergent.

BUT SERIOUSLY.LACK OF LOVE KILLED DRINA.BECAUSE THAT WAS THE FOURTH CHAKRA, SOMETHING NEVER MENTIONED IN THE BOOK PRIOR TO THIS AMAZINGLY DULL DEFEAT.LOL WHY DID I READ THIS BOOK.

I didn't even care about our totally hawt antagonist, Drina, going after Ever. You know who Drina was to me? InfoDump the Character. She just SPEWED information like it was a disease of hers. I mean, if you do info dumping, at least make it a) entertaining or b) somewhat fitting to the story. Drina was placed there as if to wrap up the book and turn it one shot (which isn't the case sadly).

What I DID enjoy (kind of): the subplot with Riley. Ava seemed kind of nothing to me, but I did like the struggle between letting Riley move on and keeping her around.

Once upon a time, a boy named Jacob was best friends with his grandpa. Grandpa Portman was apparently a whack job, sayi*May be some spoilers, I guess*

Once upon a time, a boy named Jacob was best friends with his grandpa. Grandpa Portman was apparently a whack job, saying, "THERE WERE MONSTERS CHASING ME EVERYWHERE AND I HUNTED 'EM ALL THE TIME." And Jacob said, "HA I DON'T BELIEVE YOU." When Jacob's 17, Grandpa Portman gets mauled by a cougar dude with a tentacle-filled mouth, and Jacob suddenly decides that "GRANDPA WAS RIGHT AND I SHOULD LOOK INTO HIS CHILDHOOD OVER IN WALES." Looks like it's up to Jacob!

Basically the first 30-40 pages right there. So Jacob Portman goes with his father to Wales to a place called Cairnholm Island where an old house used to be. The house? Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. There was something up with this name. I was excuted about the idea, but I knew the whole special kids ordeal. After reading Tatiana's review, I came to realize that yes, this is pretty familiar to X-Men. The story itself didn't seem to flow as a YA book. It seemed very childish, and fitting for a children's book.

The photos were wonderful. I'll get that out right now. If it weren't for the photos, I'd probably feel so bored with this book. Lords knows what the audiobook would be like. Jacob was an okay character. I was also confused as all hell with his love interest, Emma (view spoiler)[who turned out to be lovers with HIS GRANDPA. UM EW?! (hide spoiler)]. I was creeped out the most when Jacob fought against himself with Emma, like, WHY ARE YOU CONSIDERING THIS? Even so, she was the only other character in this with a voice of her own. All the other 'peculiar' kids were a mesh of nothing.

The plot seemed to drag a bit in areas. We never even reach Miss Peregrine till about halfway through. Then after that it's a slow build to the antagonist (the only guy who made Jacob feel awesome about himself). That was an interesting blow, but it seemed a wee bit cliché too. The ONLY person who understands is the one who wants to kill you. Sigh. One thing I also enjoyed about the book was the concept of the loops. They're explained enough for me to nod my head and say, "Neat-o!" but not enough information to give me that "Whoa what a clever setup!" that Riggs was trying for. B for effort.

Anyone else think of Bleach when the black beasts were named hollows? Or hollowgast? Maybe I'm alone there. The wights seemed pretty interesting, too. I wish there was more on them then just Peregrine's infodump. :(

(view spoiler)[Also, the fuck is up with his dad starting his angry rant at the end of the book, then being A-okay with Jacob staying with the other kids? He's pissed, then he sees what the kids can do, and says, "Lol be careful, Jake! HAVE FUN OVERSEAS." What's his mom gonna say? His strict mom that's never seen again? WHAAAAAT. (hide spoiler)]

Overall, the book was okay. Not awesome, not shit, just okay. Frankly, I feel like I'm praising this book because I'm in the middle of The Host. I'd still recommend this to other people, because who knows, maybe someone who doesn't want to go way deep into the story will love it. Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children IS an enjoyable book, but I didn't enjoy myself as much as I wanted to.["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>...more

Stephenie Meyer has a great ulterior motive. No really. Make an INCREDIBLY long book filled with nothing so that no matter what, its spine will stareStephenie Meyer has a great ulterior motive. No really. Make an INCREDIBLY long book filled with nothing so that no matter what, its spine will stare you down in the science fiction section of any bookstore ever.

Well played, SMeyer.

Either way, at least the premise of The Host had the tiniest bit of a chance at impressing me. Souls invading people's body for the lulz. Lulz = Making the world a better place cause humans are mean mean mean! (I imagine a sort of 40s, 50s era commercial here with dancing silver centipedes...)

This was just nonsense. Complete utter nonsense. Stephenie Meyer takes what could be a great concept, and just goes to the toilet with it. Just because I've been so mopey and bored because of reading this book, I think I'll break this thing down as much as I possibly can. Because in all aspects, it's still Twilight. May not be the same premise as Twilight, but I'm still reading the Adventures of No One: Quest for Nothing.

Let's start with the very very basics: Dat Planning.

There are people who are gifted enough to write on the go and make something ridiculously awesome, get published, and get money. I am not that fortunate, so in order to make sure my story is great, I have outlined my entire series' plot so that there is a climax in each book, and everything is ready to be written when I get to a certain point. It also adds the fun of hinting very early in the series and making the shocking-then-later-painfully-obvious-discoveries later. I LOVE those.

The Host was not planned. If it was planned, even a SMIDGE, this book would be a lot better than it was. There was so much fluff, I swear to God, I was reading a pillow. The concept is planned to a point, with the Seeker and the Healer and the Comforter and other names that just seem uncreative, but that's all she really goes into. She tries to open up worlds, and I give her doggie treats for trying, but it's not good enough. Not for adult science fiction. In science fiction, everything should be explained: HOW did the medicines heal that fast? HOW are souls connecting themselves to the humans? HOW HOW HOW and WHY WHY WHY? Not, "Lol, just because! :D"

"A hybrid combination of Stephen King and Isaac Asimov" - Ridley PearsonSOMEONE TELL ME HOW THIS BOOK CAN POSSIBLY MATCH STEPHEN AND ISAAC. HOW. REALLY. Or EVEN ISAAC ALL BY HIMSELF. She bribed you, didn't she, Pearson? She said, "Praise my book and you'll get some of my royalties." Because there is NO CHANCE IN HELL that this is anything. ANYTHING. This isn't even words on pages. This is not a story, NOT a book.

Next point: Dat Creativity.

I dare someone to tell me just how important the worlds were to this story other than being used as a plot device to get Wanda liked by the Crew in the Caves. No one? I thought so. Stephenie Meyer did not try. I did not believe in these worlds she just made up. She threw no effort into the worlds, she only focused on the romance, because that's what her momma taught her.

Names like Planet of the Flowers, and Singing World? Really? And what's the excuse? "That's the way it was translated over." FUCK. THAT. You gotta go deeper than that. I wouldn't care if the Flower planet was called Chlorophyllia or Flower in anagram style, it's better than THE LAND OF FLOWERZ. Don't even get me STARTED on the fuckin' medicine names. Just...no. This creativity also affects not only the world, but the characters that live in it and the shit they go through.

Which brings me to the next point: Dem Characters.

Lol what characters. Oh right, the only ones I can really remember are Kyle, Wanda, Mel, Jared, Ian, and Jamie. Because they were the only ones that really mattered. Heidi, Violetta, Lily, Maggie, they were all just names. No voice, no use. Just names that were tossed around whenever, like Aaron and Brandt and Wes too. When they kept being brought up, I thought, "Who are they again? Who are they? WHO ARE THEY?"

Give characters a voice. Don't go around making catchphrases for EVERYONE, but giving them a little trade mark helps. Memorable lines wouldn't hurt either, also...SHOW AND DON'T TELL. But moving back to The Host, I did not care about anyone in this book. I had no reason too. Everyone was tense, everyone flinched and winced and cried and sobbed and silently shrieked every three pages. Nothing happened except lots of dialogue, barely any description, and just angst everywhere. ANGST IN AN ADULT NOVEL...but done poorly. Bksdjgnkl. But let's conclude.

Final Point: Dat Plot Structure.

If you don't plan everything out, your creativity can't run wild. If your creativity can't fully function, then your characters are gonna suffer, and when your characters are gonna suffer, what kind of plot are they going to go through? Answer: The shittiest plot of them all. Golden rule of plot structure is the Magic 3 system. Or so I've noticed.

You've got:-Beginning Climax-Middle Climax-Final climax

Beginning climax gets the ball rolling. It gets your main character to become curious/concerned/go out of their daily routine. Middle Climax gets them to realize that hey, this change isn't good, we gotta do something! And the final climax is the showdown/epiphany/big reveal/etc. There are many spots to fill, but that structure can give the best results because of even pacing. I would've felt better reading The Host if there was any plot structure at all. It was Wanda waking up, leaving, meeting Jared and co, surviving an attack by Kyle, and then stopping a Seeker that never really mattered and saving them anyway.

Kyle would be a good middle climax if I had actually cared for the characters. Same with the Seeker. If I SAW some things she did rather than Wanda saying she was evil, I'd probably care more about that "final showdown".

So yeah, don't grab this book unless you're like me, where you have to read it just so you can say, "I read it, and it sucked." Save your sanity....more

I just reread the first book, and it brings out one of the*SPOILERS AHEAD*

UPDATED ON 11-22-11

Profanity has a possible breeding ground in this review.

I just reread the first book, and it brings out one of the largest flaws that could possibly exist in writing a series. We shall get to that later.

But seriously, what happened to this trilogy? No really, where did that ending come from? From Part 3 on, I sat gawking at this book. This was the most rushed piece of shit I ever laid my eyes on. While the last two books were still fairly structured and had something going for them, this started out as such and then just...blew up. It literally exploded into chaos and unnecessary mayhem. IT WAS POOR AND TERRIBLE. Come at me, fans. I beg you. I will show you how hard your precious Collins failed you. TRY ME.

This thing, known as Mockingjay by some of you, is the example of what happens when your planning goes to the shitter. It shows what happens when you run out of ideas and decide that you didn’t have enough symbolism in your book so you throw it all in the last one, hoping that you and your fans can soak up each other’s awesomeness. You then throw in stupid, pointless, outrageous violence because “Hey, Young Adult doesn’t have it that much! I’ll add in my violence, then make up for every other YA book that doesn’t have it! Am I doing it right?!”

UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE.

This book managed to dry my patience on more than one occasion.

Mockingjay is reluctantly the final chapter of the Hunger Games. The story tries to follow Katniss when it was really all about the Hunger Games themselves in the first book and it doesn’t do that much later. At all. Fuck. Let’s just get to the breakdown.

Round One...Fight!

The writing. Mockingjay started off stellar with its usual tragic, heart-wrenching style that I was very fond of. Choppy and necessary for a page turner, if it ever was that. But what happened to show and not tell? I was being told fucking everything in this book. Some things I needed knowing, but in the book’s most CRUCIAL moments, I needed to SEE what’s happening. Instead, I was told about it later.

Katniss has a habit of waking up in hospitals and telling everything in retrospect. It happens too often in this series. I’ve grown sick of hospitals and people named Katniss. I’m sick of retrospect moments. I’m SICK OF THIS BOOK and people praising it for no good reason.

Anywho, when that supposed climax came, Prim and her combustion or whatever, that’s when I lost it completely. After that point, I swear Collins just threw down her typewriter/computer/pencil/pen/quill and said, “Fuck I dunno what to do.” She got herself a ghost writer or something because the ending did not seem like Collins at all. It was poor, dull, and Twilight-worthy I AM FUCKING GOING THERE.Who waits in a house for an entire season and just...mopes? No one does that because they have lives. Katniss has a life, unless her life revolved around the underdeveloped innocent girl who was set up to DIE ALL ALONG.

“Excuse me, the Hunger Games is ABOUT KATNISS. That’s why Prim’s death was the series climax. She went to the Games for her.” You know, if Collins actually loved her characters, she would’ve developed Prim to the point when I’d want to cuddle her to death like Elmira to a puppy. But no, I don’t even have a shred of care for Prim, and that’s what makes that whole ”climax” fail almost as hard as Collins’ closures.

Why don’t I dive into those closure fails?

KATNISS “STRONG FEMALE PROTAG, WUT’S THAT” EVERDEEN

What strong heroines should not do that Katniss did:

-Let the death of a family member get to her so much that she loses all original character traits-Hide in a house for a whole season, talking to no one about said family death-Sulk-Make flashy dealings of death and go back to sulking-Experience the world of Bella Swan-Recognize her love for the supposed love interest when he starts hating her-Not have a character arc that works-Try to commit suicide for doing the right thing-Allow the biggest roadblock in her arc to destroy her completely without having her bounce back

I am goddamn furious about Katniss’ downhill spiral in this book. It would help if she had some moments of glory, but she had none. She was made into a puppet by the rebellion and lost all sense of strength she had throughout the series. I swear, it’s when she gets drunk in Catching Fire that this whole thing just explodes into something terrible.

Katniss is constantly manipulated. She is letting people boss her around? When did she start doing that? THE FUCK? She also decides to mope around about fucking Peeta Bread, then when she finally starts coming back as the real Katniss, Prim decides to become a martyr and everything just goes to hell. Never have I been so pissed at a book that still managed to have potential.

What was worse was that Katniss was stripped of any decency she had and everything was just so...matter-of-factly put together. There was no love for these characters.

GALE “I WAS DUPED” HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS

Gale was, and is still, one of my favorite characters in this series. While Peeta was all dandelion fluff, Gale was the rock that drove Katniss out of her manipulated state. All the flip flopping between rocks and dandelions becomes a real pain in the ass.

But Gale was fucking duped. He decides to make a bomb with Beetee because his character line (because he has no arc. It’s all KatnissKatnissKatniss) suggests that he only wants to watch the Capitol buuuuurn. When his bomb kills Prim, Katniss is all “Boohoohoo, Gale was that YOUR bomb?”, and he doesn't deny that it's his design with Beetee, but in all seriousness, this is the only thing that sets them apart.

Um, Katniss? Do you even KNOW if Gale knew about his bomb being used in that way? Reading earlier into the series, we know that Gale would do anything for Katniss, like SAVING HER FAMILY FROM THE DISTRICT 12 BOMBING KIND OF?! Something told me that this was going to be the crappy, unexplained reason as to why Katniss ends up with Peeta.

Worst of all, Gale is stripped of any closure. Gale gets no resolution other than, "Oh he's in District 2 doing TV." No conflict resolution? Not even a crap of a letter from Gale telling Katniss, "Sorry."? That isn't Gale's character just to run away and say whatever. Obnoxious, completely obnoxious. Gale was an important part of Katniss's life. Even SHE would go on and talk/think about him. There's nothing there. It's just, "Don't worry! Peeta's here! Let's all remember Prim and not Gale or Finnick. :)"

PEETA “TRACKER HIJACKER” MELLARKY-LARK

“Peeta is so loving and caring and wonderful!! *SWOON*”

....Peeta does nothing for me. He still does nothing for me. Fuck’s sake, I can’t even bother with him. He was nothing but Katniss’ little puppy. At least he actually got some balls in Mockingjay.

FINNICK “MY UNDERWEAR IS BETTER THAN YOURS” ODAIR

Gingers unite. Finnick and me are goddamn pals. He was a minor character who, after Catching Fire, upgraded to a major protag in my eyes. He gained importance into Mockingjay. What happened to him? HAW. He was brutally murdered.

WITH. NO. CLOSURE.

The fuck is it with Collins and not wanting to deal out closure? Gale AND Finnick were around longer than fucking Rue and they get NOTHING. Nothing at all. What the fuck is going on?

Finnick was the comic relief in Mockingjay. If he wasn’t around, there would be nothing but sadness and violence in this last installment. Nothing that gives us a nice break. Finnick was butchered so wrongfully. DON’T GIMME THAT “THAT’S WAR FOR YA” GARBAGE EITHER. That is a fucking joke.

PRESIDENT “I’M SUSPICIOUS YOU SEE YOU SEE?” COIN

Coin's intentions were made very clear from her first sentence, and I'm angered by the fact that everyone hates her cause she's gets on Katniss's case. Well of COURSE she'd get on her case, Katniss is the MOCKINGJAY. From Coin's standing, I see that the rebellion needs to stay together if they even HOPE to bring down the Capitol in a quick and easy fashion. War isn't easy, but it's easier when everyone cooperates.

Sure, Coin ended up being a dingus, but she wasn’t nearly as stupid as the Walking Symbolism Man, whom you all know as Snow White, the Rose King of Chicago...erm...President Snow. Out of NOWHERE, really, nowhere, Snow is suddenly snake-like and sneaky and a snake, and he’s all about the roses. Like...the fuck did that come from? We are attacked by symbolism in this book alone. And it makes NO FUCKING SENSE.

And I will not even bother touching Prim’s line of character.Why?

THE BIGGEST WRITING FLAW YOU CAN DO (BESIDES HAVING NO PLOT)

Because characters are not loved in this series. They aren’t. There are no character arcs whatsoever. Outside Katniss and Peeta, arcs are nonexistent. HOW CAN YOU DO THAT. No one changes in this story! NO ONE. NOOOOO ONE. Gale stills hates the Capitol forever, Haymitch remains a drunk even when he has PROMISE of changing. Prim is still innocent and weak, and goes to be a medic so she can die right on the front lines.

“Authors show their love for their characters if they do horrible things to them.” This makes sense to an extent. Like, fuck. Go ahead, do shit to your characters, but if you truly love them, you will make sure that there is a good end for them. I love bittersweet arc ends. Even so, that ending has to be the absolute only way their arc can end. Collins does not do this. She laughs at it actually. Laughs at it and walks away with a big grin on her face.

Peeta's hijacking was a dumb subplot, but hey, it’s better than "I liked you EVER since you dig through the trash at my bakery." Who...who starts crushing on someone when they are digging through their trash? Ever? (Obviously that's not the only reason why Peeta likes Katniss)

Also, that last third of the book, we have Katniss, Gale, Peeta, FInnick, and a few other nameless no-ones heading deep into the Capitol. No problems, can't wait for the sense of mayhem. Let me also get out that the constant...CONSTANT cliffhangers still exist and continue to dig into my nerves. Will Collins ever learn, seriously.

Where was the series climax? There is a climactic beginning to a battle with Katniss and Gale running into the City Circle and Snow protecting himself with children. And bombs are falling, then Prim comes in, and she gets killed by the parachutes. PRIM gets her closure, even though she wasn't very much of an impacting character to begin with. I'm somewhat angered that no action takes place here. There was fabulous build-up to something spectacular, and the setup is left hanging by, yet another, wake up in the hospital. Seriously, Collins? Stop that. It's silly.

But as I go on and on, with so few pages to go, I'm wondering what exactly is gonna jump out and bring shock to me as a series climax. We get to Katniss's chat with Snow. Snow’s symbolic words of might or whatever make me just kind of sit back and say, "Well, let's see. Katniss knows who did the bombing, I WONDER who she's going to kill..."

Coin gets shot instead of Snow. You can easily track that all the way through from Katniss's talk with Snow. It is PAINFULLY OBVIOUS. Definitely a twist, but not a shocking one. But Katniss tries to kill herself and is denied of that. Haymitch tells Katniss about what happened in court, and she was declared mentally unstable, and so, is allowed to leave without jail time or whatever.

Oh how nice.Katniss Everdeen becomes Katniss Everdeen again and she is declared mentally unstable for it.Shoot me now.

There is no message of war. This whole book is a literary mistake. I don’t even understand why this is supposed to be a thrilling end. Horrid. Just horrid.

I’ll conclude with this point. I am not upset that the ending was bittersweet. Hell, I loved that it was bittersweet. But it was for terrible reasons that are never explained. It was just...bittersweet and that’s that.

I'm sorry to anyone who enjoyed this ending/this book with all their hearts, but as an aspiring writer, this was just poorly POORLY concluded, poorly done, and I regret ever reading this series in the first place. I really really do....more