Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Let me start off by stating the obvious – we need starting pitching like Kim Kardashian needs attention. Maybe even more than that. We’re one starting pitching injury away from the return of Joe Blanton, and the mere thought of that is more horrifying to me than the thought of nuclear war, with the warheads painted to look like evil clowns. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that Joe Blanton getting starts in 2014 is the baseball equivalent of breaking the seventh seal. It can’t happen, because Hell itself follows.

You can make legitimate arguments about Garza’s stint in Texas last year, or his potential for injury, or his hideous facial hair. Let me address each of those issues. First: his performance in Texas. With apologies to our readers in Texas, we know that state, and that team in particular, is full of grade-A douchebags. We also know that Garza is something of a douchebag himself. You’ve heard that two negatives make a positive, but in this case two negatives make a double negative, which is twice as negative as a regular negative. It’s no wonder he wasn’t that good in Texas; the combined negativity was overwhelming. Put him in somewhere slightly less douche-like (for instance: Anaheim) and the double negative would be negated to a regular “two negatives equaling a positive” and he’d probably contend for a Cy Young – particularly with Butchy working with him. It’s almost guaranteed.

Garza’s potential for injury is a legitimate concern. However, I have full faith in our coaching and training staff to keep him not just on the mound, but pitching at maximum effectiveness. Heck, look what they did last year with Sean Burnett. OK, bad example. Look what they did with Ryan Madson. Wait a minute…look how they got Bourjos back on the field in minimal time. Um, yeah…you have a point with the injuries. But he’ll be OK here; we’re due for an injury break. (Is “break” the right word to use when talking about injuries? Maybe not. Movin’ on ….)

Finally, that facial hair. The last time we had a pitcher with facial hair that bad was… well … last season. Once again, Joe Blanton. The odds against us having that kind of luck again with horrible facial hair are about one in a million. Or one in five, perhaps, or somewhere in between. The fact is, facial hair has no correlation with pitching prowess. Look at Ervin Santana and his chin-strap. No matter how horribly or how well he was pitching, the strap was strapped. Look at Sergio Romo and Brian Wilson (the pitcher, not the Beach Boy – although Beach Boy Wilson did produce his greatest work with a horrible neck-beard). Both have lousy facial hair, and I’d love to have either one in our pen.

All of this aside, the bottom line is that we need starting pitching. Matt Garza is starting pitching; ergo, we need him. All of your arguments against him are null and void.

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Counterpoint – We need healthy pitchers!

By Nathan Trop, AngelsWin.com Columnist & Satirist

Glen you ignorant slut!

People certainly don’t love Glen for his good looks, and after reading this we definitely know it isn’t for his math skills. I will try not to be as negative.

Yes we need starting pitchers, everybody knows that. First we need them to actually pitch for the team. Spending more money on a guy that will just end up on the operating table will not help this team win. As previously mentioned our track record for guys with arm troubles is not good. It goes back further than last season. Remember when Kelvim Escobar tried to make a comeback? He would have been better off becoming a position player and hitting with his gigantic extra limb.

Don’t even try to bring Butcher into the conversation. Like he has helped any of our pitchers in the first place! Besides, the only Butcher working on Garza will be the one cutting his arm open to fix whatever injury he suffers in spring training. Then we can hear about how he will be back in two months, which will turn into never. The fact is that his arm is most likely made out of the same stuff they make sugar free gummy bears out of, and his pitching will probably lead to the same “intestinal Armageddon” as ingesting those little buggers.

My cohort is so worried about Blanton, I have a brilliant idea!

How about we take the money we would spend on Garza and pay one of our division rivals to throw him once every five games? That has to be worth more wins to us than signing a guy like Garza. Maybe we could pay off the INS to mysteriously decline the work visas for Yu Darvish and Iwakuma. Bonus wins if Tanaka ends up in the division. Hopefully that wouldn’t unsettle the balance of douchiness in Texas too much. We could always convince Richard Sherman that in order to be the best, you have to play baseball for the Rangers. A whole new level of douche would enter the fray.

Speaking of former Angels flame outs signing in the division, how the heck is Kazmir back and pitching well? Is anyone else ticked off that he is pitching well again? He was so bad for the Angels he made Blanton look like a Cy candidate. I am sure we could spend some of that Garza money on some pot and Xbox games for Kazmir to get him back into his old form. If he pitches for Oakland like he did for the Angels that is another few wins.

The bottom line is we absolutely need pitching. But Doucheface von Brokenarm won’t get the job done. If depth is the issue then we should sign some cheap pitchers for depth. Some of them might have injury history, or be mediocre at best, but they are just depth and they cost less money and less years. Don’t spend 50 million on a broken pitcher.

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