Customer: 'I received the
software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.'

Tech Support: 'Did you install the update?'

Customer: 'No. Oh,
am I supposed to install it to get it to work?'

---

Customer: 'I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word.'

Tech
Support: 'Tell me what you've done.'

Customer: 'I typed 'A:SETUP'.'

Tech Support: 'Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.'

Customer: 'It says '$PC manufacturer! Restore and Recovery disk'.'

Tech Support: 'Insert the MS Word setup disk.'

Customer: 'What?'

Tech Support: 'Did you buy MS word?'

Customer 'No...'

---

Customer: 'I'm thinking about writing a book on the problems I'm having
with S3 Video cards and warp and...' (blah, blah, blah, etc.)

Tech
Support: 'What exactly is your problem?'

Customer: 'I've downloaded the
video drivers for the PS/VP's with the S3 chipset, and they won't work on my
machine.'

Tech Support: 'Have you got a PS/VP sir?'

Customer:
'Well...no.'

---

Customer: 'Do I need a computer to use your software?'

---

Tech Support: 'What type of computer do you have?'

Customer: 'A white
one.'

---

The customer was using release 1 of Windows 95, and I was using Windows
98, so I had to ask her a question about what her Explorer window looked
like:

Tech Support: 'Up at the top it says File, Edit,a nd View. What does it
sayjust to the right of View?'

Customer: 'Edit.'

Tech Support:
'No, to the right of View.'

Customer: 'Edit.'

Tech Support: 'Ok,
what's on the other side of View?'

Customer: 'Oh, Tools.'

Tech
Support: 'Click your left mouse button.'

Customer: 'Which one is that?'

Tech Support: 'Well, you know your left from your right, so click
the buttonon your left.'

Customer: 'Oh.'

Tech Support: 'What
happened?'

Customer: 'Nothing.'

Tech Support: 'You did click the
left mouse button?'

Customer: 'I think so.'

Tech Support: 'The
one on your left?'

Customer: 'Which one was that again?'

---

Someone complained that her monitor was 'all green.' The
problem, I guessed, was due to the monitor cable not being correctly
connected, so that the red and blue pins weren't making contact. I talked her
through the checking process, but she was adamant that the cable was correctly
plugged in. Somewhat puzzled, I decided to visit her office. Sure enough, the
cable wasn't correctly inserted. She'd forced it ina nd bent some pins. I
pointed it out, and she said with some astonishment, 'It wasn't like that a
moment ago'

I fixed it, then asked what it had been like before. She
said that theplug had been a different shape. I finally figured out what
she meant. She had been checking the other end of the cable, where it plugs
intothe desktop chassis. I pointed this out to her. She said, quote, 'Oh I
didn't know it had two ends'

---

Customer: 'I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server
or Workstation version?'

Tech Support: 'Well, are you using it as a
workstation or as a server?'

I told one of our customers to send an email message to me so I could
see if her mail was working. I told her that my address was mjq@$host!. She
replied, 'How do you spell 'mjq'?'

---

Customer: 'What's a colon?'

Tech Support: 'It's the key next to
the 'L' key on your keyboard.'

Customer: 'How do you spell 'L'?'

---

Tech Support: 'Type 'A:' at the prompt.'

Customer: 'How do
you spell that?'

---

Once I was walking a gentleman through the steps to do something --
Idon't even remember what -- and when we finished, a dialog box appeared. It
offered to do what we wanted it to and had a single button -- the OK button. He
sat there for a minute and hen, frustrated, asked me what he had to do next.
'Tell the computer 'OK,'

'I said. He leaned forward and said in a loud but clear voice, 'OK'

---

Tech Support: 'Can I help you?'

Customer: 'Let's get
something straight right away. I'm a Mac tech, so I know what the hell I'm
doing.'

Tech Support: 'Ok.'This caller needed to reinstall fonts; we
started the install, and a couple of minutes later...

Customer:
'Uh...it's telling me I have to insert disk 2. What do I do?'

Once a student had a problem printing. What was the matter? 'It's
not printing,' he said. So I went to take a look. On the
student'scomputer, a message was displayed: 'The select light is off. Please
press the 'select' button, and click OK to continue.' Sure enough, pressing the
select button and then OK worked.

---

Customer: 'I can't get into the database.' I check the usual stuff,
but it's all fine.

Tech Support: 'Can you go and check if the server
is working?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'What do you mean,
'no'?'

Customer: 'No, I can't do that.'

Tech Support: 'Why not?'

Customer: 'Well, it's not there.'

Tech Support: 'It's WHAT?'

Customer: 'They took it away to be upgraded.'

---

Tech Support: 'What seems to be the trouble?'

Customer: 'Well, my
monitor is going out. Does that have anything to do with my hard drive?'

---

My best friend's family recently bought a new computer. They had
all the hardware set up and the software ready to be installed when the step
dad picks up the Windows 95 box and says to his wife:'Dal, how do they get the
box into the computer?' I cracked up in his face and haven't been welcome there
since. Apparently he thought that to install software you had to get the boxin
there somehow.

---

Customer: 'I'm having a problem installing your software. I've
got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is
'Bad command or filename'.'