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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Ghoulies: A Review

After a long hiatus, Lauren and I recommenced our hobby of watching really bad movies.

This is the actual movie poster. Sadly, this scene really did happen.

Within the first 2 minutes, Laur started making comparisons to Star Wars, and I saw a similarity to Harry Potter. And we were able to keep up with these comparisons through out the entire movie (with Star Wars coming up on top in the end).

And although I have only a limited idea of what was happening, and there was basically no plot, AND there was very little explanation about what went on... I still managed to pull together a rather comprehensive review. [If you haven't seen this movie (and if for some God forsaken reason, you want to) then stop reading now. Spoilers]

Ok. So the movie opens up with the evil-dad (aka Anakin/Voldemort) performing an evil Satanic ritual in his basement. He tries to kill the baby, his son (aka Luke/Harry) but his evil spell (aka the Force/Avada Kedavra) doesn't work on the baby. The baby's mom (aka Lily Potter) pleads for his life and sacrifices herself instead. At this time, some older dude who, was present at the ritual, escapes with the baby.

Now skip ahead about 25 years and we meet Luke/Harry and his ugly girlfriend, (whose parents were Big Bird and Lucille Ball), who recently inherited that creepy, haunted mansion that he was almost sacrificed in. But, this doesn't phase them. Neither does the graveyard that is in their front yard, the mass amount of cob webs, NOR all the obviously satanic paraphernalia. Nope. Instead, Luke/Harry (who looks unnervingly like a young Tom Cruise) picks up an evil-looking book and instantaneously learns the ancient language in which it is written. He then decides to quit school to "fix up the house". Girlfriend isn't happy about this, but she isn't aware yet that "fix up the house" is just slang for "put on evil magic robes, turn my eyes bright green, hypnotize my friends and conjure demonic creatures", so she let's him do it.

Literally, the day they move in they throw a party; and here we meet their very un-awesome friends. The party starts to die down a bit so the friends shout out some good party suggestions: Trivial Pursuit, Strip Poker, Satanic Ritual.... Which one do they pick? The Ritual! Of course. Since Luke/Harry had just picked up that book earlier that day, it was really no surprise that the ritual didn't work (but he did pretty much draw the Deathly Hallows symbol on the floor). So then a bunch of boring stuff happens. During this time, he becomes increasingly more evil and Girlfriend finally realizes what "fix up the house" means. She gets so mad that she rips off the necklace that Luke/Harry gave her; that necklace was the only thing protecting her from the demonic creatures (the ghoulies), so she becomes a mind-controlled zombie.

The next day they throw the worst dinner party in the world, where everyone has to wear sunglasses and drink this hypnotic juice that causes the table to instantly disappear and throws everyone back into full-on ritual mode. So, I believe this is the part of the movie in which Beetlejuice, I mean Anakin, is risen from his grave and crashes the worst dinner party of all time; he sets his ghoulies out to wreck havoc (along with the two midgets who pretended to help Luke/Harry only so they could get their true master back. I guess they're sort of like Wormtail, or maybe Storm Troopers). All the friends die, turn into zombies, and make their way to the basement, again. Why? I don't know why ANYTHING in this movie happened, let alone this part. Pretty much all the friends died by having the ghoulies attack their faces. Except for this one guy. He was seduced by Anakin (who is now Darth Vader) whilst he was transfigured into a woman. After they kissed, she opened her mouth really wide and A SIX FOOT TONGUE FLEW OUT AND STRANGLED HIM.

Meanwhile, Girlfriend is released from her spell, sees her green-eyed boyfriend in a trance and runs out of the room in a panic. She then very slowly and very dramatically falls down about 8 steps..and dies. Luke/Harry is really distraught over her death. He picks her up and carries her down to the basement, I think with the intent of bringing her back to life.

When he gets there, he finds Darth Vader and they start to battle it out for the position of Master. Seriously, Darth uses the force to choke Luke and tells him he's his father. At this point, Obi Wan arrives to save them (the midgets also change their allegiance and help Luke win..so I guess they're aren't like Storm Troopers after all). Obi Wan and Darth Vader both use the force against each other. Lasers are shooting out of their hands and eyes; and a bit carelessly too, because the whole basements starts to collapse. All of their zombie-friends magically start coming back to life, as does Girlfriend, and they run for their lives from the collapsing house. Luke and his friends drive away, leaving the midgets in the doorway going "WTF! We just saved your lives", and he doesn't even acknowledge them! The final scene is of Luke, Girlfriend, and one of their friends in the car with three ghoulies in the trunk. SEQUEL! And not only 1 but 3 sequels! Considering the first movie barely had a plot, I don't know how they managed to make 3 more but I can't wait to watch them.