As I described above, 4chan is an imageboard. But saying that 4chan is an imageboard tells you about as little as "Hitler was a leader in Germany." It probably tells you less information than "alcoholism is a disease." And it's about as accurate as saying "the internet is a big dump truck." In fact, there is no real way to describe it accurately, but this writeup is my feeble attempt.

4chan is basically where the internet goes to throw up at four in the morning. The internet stays there, wallowing in its own filth while smoking some of the crack it was given by its own mother. He probably hits up his own child with some of white stuff. It then throws up again about 15 minutes later, and, despite all rational hope and logic, somehow manages to stay conscious.

Anyone who has been to 4chan knows exactly what I'm talking about. It is an imageboard, as I said, but it's so much more than that. There are numerous boards on 4chan, most notable of which is the "random" board. Or /b/ as it's known by the URL. Generally, most posts made on 4chan are anonymous posts, with the option of attaching an email to the timestamp of your post. Of course, no one does this.

The result of anonymity is lulz, perhaps the greatest lulz that humanity has ever seen. It is also the basest, most vile thing to ever grace the internet, and we love it for that. It is accurate to compare it to a train wreckthe crashing of the Hindenbergthe collapse of the Twin Towersa video of someone getting anally penetrated by a horse. You don't want to look, you can't believe it's happening, but you can't look away.

As you see the first page of posts, pr0n of all sorts greets you. Incomprehensible comments and... shitty photoshops of other images abound on the page. The language of the posts is an entirely different, despite being... somewhat... intelligible English. At least you think there's intelligence there?

Ah, my friend, you've encountered the language of MEMES. People post lots of "copypastas," or reposts of old, but funny, posts. They communicate in images. And meaningless phrases that, at some point in the past, had meaning. Now they are the empty shells of language. Lacking content. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. As the meme goes, "There is no original content on 4chan." The moment you post something, you'll be greeted with disturbing images, and cryptic images with comments telling you to "MURK LOAR". There is no way to understand this culture, except by accepting it. And by doing so, joining in the lulz. Pretty soon, you'll be wearing an afro, standing in front of the entrance to pools, and saying "Pool's closed." AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

There is a rule on 4chan. Rule 34 says "If it exists, there IS porn of it." Let's put this mathematically:

∀x ∃y ∈ Internet | y = Porn(x)

It all started with an image of Calvin & Hobbes porn. Yes, people, Calvin & Hobbes. Rule 34 takes your childhood and rapes it. It rapes your childhood long and hard. With a sixteen-inch negro penis. Oh, yes, there's more than Calvin & Hobbes porn. I have seen porn of BREAD. Were I not /b/-tard at the time, my first thought would have been "WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!? IT BURNS!!!". Instead I thought "LOLI GOTTA SAVE THIS SHIT". See how it has corrupted me?

Users of 4chan (or, since there's only one, we'll call him Anonymous) are an interesting bunch. Anonymous is racist, sexist, and pedophiliac. He masturbates to pictures of young children, and is probably the creepy guy following you home from work every night. Anonymous is the guy who lied to his girlfriends (all of them) about his loyalty. Anonymous is the jackass who spawn camps in your FPSes. Anonymous is a nazi. Anonymous likes to debate people on the internet for stupid reasons. Anonymous will make bomb threats just for shits and giggles. You do not mess with football anonymous. He will come, find you, deliver rape dollars, and probably come again. He'll stick his mantwat in your pooper. He'll fuck you up.

This, my friend, is 4chan. Enjoy it. Love it. Love it tenderly. Rape it tenderly. It'll like it, then it'll rape you back. Once you become a /b/-tard, there's no turning back. It will warp your vision of reality. Nothing will be sacred, ever again. Escaping from its stupidity is perhaps the greatest feat of human willpower. It's probably the only way to salvage one's humanity or soul. But for now we should enjoy its stupidity. We come from a world you may not understand. Join us.

4chan is the end result of the downward spiral of Internet communities. The proletarian version of Usenet, without any intelligence or coherence. At the intersection of the worst parts of IRC, the anime community, the gamer community, whatever's left of the l33t h4x0rz, and every creepy, dweeby, role-playing potential date-rapist you know from your school. And yes, I speak as if my readers are university students, the oldest demographic on 4chan. (At least one would hope.)

When you walk into your college radio station and hear immediately "longcat is long", you start to wish the Internet would go away. Surely, many of 4chan's more obsessive participants have better things to do with their time. If not, surely they could have the tact to leave this shit at their keyboards.