LEPORE: Lengthy Sox games cause weight gain

Thursday

Jun 30, 2011 at 12:01 AM

I’m overweight. I know it. My wife knows it. My children know it. My primary care physician cautions me to do more walking. At my advanced age, walking just isn’t easy any longer. I wish it were that simple. I’ve always enjoyed walking, but my aged legs have lost their forward thrust. For me, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Now, if I take three steps forward, I also take two steps backward.

Reminds me of an inebriate I once knew in Clinton. He was young but liked to drink and stagger step.

I do know who is really to blame for my predicament. It is really not my basic gluttonous ways. It is the Boston Red Sox.

Yes, I am a fan, but their long, and at times, tedious, ball games keep me going almost endlessly to the refrigerator for snacks.

The average major league baseball game is reported to be two and three quarter hours in length. For the Red Sox and opponents, it is a rare game that does not last for at least three hours.

Quite frankly, it is my firm belief that these games are almost endless with deviousness in mind. Red Sox owners must be in cahoots with the concession management. It is certainly a truism that some of the more popular stands have been known to sell out long before the game ended. Someone is reaping a huge profit there.

Most of the games are so long now and I have gained so much weight because of it that I have been giving serious thought to bringing suit against the management. The only thing that stops me, as of now, is that I understand such a successful suit could cause the team irreparable harm. Some of their extensive profits might be nailed down by such suits, leaving less money for players. Anyway, I deserve a monetary reward rather than inept players.

For viewers such as I am at home, it is a Catch-22 situation. The games are so long that one needs sustenance to remain in front of the television. The few steps to the refrigerator do not replace the medically-advised brisk walk in order to remain in shape.

Of late, the viewer may even note Heidi, the lovely member of the television broadcasting team, tasting a sausage roll or other snack offered at Fenway and other parks…such as special rolls offered at “Boog” Powell’s stand in Baltimore. Don’t be deceived. The alert viewer — which I am until the fifth inning — will note that she just takes one small bite for advertising purposes.

My eyesight has not deteriorated to the extent that I cannot still appreciate her slim and attractive figure.

Even the announcers, Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo, are showing negative effects from the lengthy contests. The facial features of both are becoming somewhat puffy and a little extra poundage is showing through their bodies, even though they remain seated. Undoubtedly, they too become restless during the long games and may tend to finish the snacks that Heidi has just taken one bite from.

In any case, just like the viewers at home, there must be times during the three-hour-plus games that their stomachs begin to rumble.

One may wonder what the reason is for such lengthy games. First, it is probably on the mandate of management. Paying out millions to most players must tax the overall budget and they must utilize all possible sources to meet the payroll. Thus, sell more hot dogs and hamburgers. I also suspect the owners are all non-union and look upon the extra hours as a little unpaid overtime to compensate for the millions.

Next would be the umpires at fault. More than a few are somewhat roly-poly and do not race nimbly to expected spots to call a play. Thus, the play may be called incorrectly, causing a delay with the proper contention from managers and players.

In the meantime, fans in the stands may hurry to the refreshment stands for more snacks and drinks. In turn, the extensive drinks may induce bathroom visits, sort of delaying a return to regular action.

And then there are pitchers, such as Dice K, for the Red Sox.

Prior to every pitch, he makes it a habit to pose on the mound for an extensive period of time, waiting for a television relay to by relayed back to Japan.

Those of us at home really suffer from all these shenanigans. It is virtually impossible with the slow pace of these games to simply sit idly in a chair for a great length of time. There is only one of a few choices. Time between innings has obviously been lengthened to televise commercials. One can remain in the sedentary position switching channels, fall asleep in the chair, or inevitably stagger to the refrigerator for yet another snack; Thus, the constant weight gain.

I strongly suspect that even the television announcers would prefer shorter contests. I have the distinct impression that Remy hustles out of Fenway to race for the comforts of his home. The handsome Don Orsillo probably sticks around the park to dish out autographs.

Finally, I place all the blame for my weight gain on the length of the games. Of late, I just can’t take the three-plus hours and by the sixth inning, the eyes begin to close and I fall asleep.

Better bed than the refrigerator.

Frank Lepore is a freelance columnist and former longtime West Boylston educator.

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