Opinion: “Kelly Slater on Joe Rogan was one of the most embarrassing clashes of surfing and pop culture!”

"As Slater’s competitiveness has fizzled, his narcissism has been lit like a flare," writes JP Currie.

I pity Kelly Slater. Really. It’s difficult to reconcile just how I arrived here. Once a hero, now almost a meme.

His descent into absurdity has been rapid. I loved Kelly once, truly. But there comes a time when even our deities need to be put out to pasture. A time when they should slip away with dignity to burn brighter in our memories with every passing year. I think, by this point, Kelly has fucked that dead.

As Slater’s competitiveness has fizzled, his narcissism has been lit like a flare. Though, to be fair, he has always grasped for attention outside of the surf world. Unfortunately, being a surfer just isn’t very interesting.

Nick Carroll once said (in this very comment section) that Kelly doesn’t get enough credit for being a psycho. A flippant but accurate summation of Kelly’s sociopathic dedication to surfing performance. It’s just a pity he can’t stick to that. As Slater’s competitiveness has fizzled, his narcissism has been lit like a flare. Though, to be fair, he has always grasped for attention outside of the surf world. Unfortunately, being a surfer just isn’t very interesting.

Kelly’s appearance on Joe Rogan was, in my estimation, one of the most embarrassing clashes of surfing and pop culture. If this man is our king, then he just made the rest of us look really, really silly.

“Kelly Slater.” Joe says in the intro. “We’ve been talking about doing this for how long?”

(Subtext: please stop emailing me now cunt).

Rogan’s podcast is the biggest there is. You can be damned sure Kelly’s been badgering him. That was obvious as he ticked off the Rogan tropes (MMA, hunting, shit you should/shouldn’t eat, BIG FUCKING SCARY ANIMALS), and as he awkwardly hoisted out-of-character attempts at bawdy humour “That’s not the kind of three-way you like, huh?” He even tried out Australian and South African accents as he recounted stories. C-R-I-N-G-E. Slater had all the poise of a teenage girl taking a selfie with her favourite pop star whilst simultaneously pissing her pants.

Despite what David Lee Scales (famous for co-hosting a podcast with Chas Smith) might think, Joe Rogan can be a great interviewer. Different, sure. Sometimes a little irreverent, sometimes a little stoned. But he has a way of eliciting gold from his subjects by simply letting them speak, guiding the conversation where necessary. Colloquialism and playing dumb can be disarming weapons. (John McPhee, Draft No.4, the chapter on Elicitation. You’re welcome, Scales.) Rogan’s podcasts aren’t always good, but sometimes they’re truly great. And he has a back catalogue of tremendous guests.

Not so with Kelly Slater.

The entire conversation was like a classic schoolboy lunchtime debate. The only missing ingredients were whose dad would kick fuck out of whose, and which bird got a wild fingering up behind the bins at the weekend.

It would be fair to say that Joe Rogan was perhaps a little baked, and clearly wasn’t interested in surfing. Why would he be? What’s interesting to a non-surfer beyond sharks? But that wasn’t really the problem.

Slater just didn’t have anything interesting to say. He hijacked Rogan’s anecdotes and attempted to tell them better. He name dropped (“I actually was with Samuel L Jackson three weeks ago in Paris…”). He shoehorned terms he thought Rogan might bite on like “flow state”. And he tried vainly to accredit himself as an MMA guy (“I actually trained with Don The Dragon Wilson”). Worst of all was the repeated “I had a buddy…my friend…I know a guy…etc” as the conversation skipped jauntily from non sequitur to non entity and back again.

“My friend has a giraffe.”

“Bears are so primal.”

“You sure it wasn’t a skunk ape that did it?”

“I thought I pooped out my colon.”

For the two-hour duration of the podcast Kelly was not the king of surfing, he was the guy at the party who always has a story bigger and better than yours. The guy you desperately want to disappear.

Crocodiles “his buddy” told him about that are 29 feet long and 15 feet wide.

Thirty-five foot Great White sharks that his “friend” told him about. “Bruh, the biggest sharks are way bigger than you think…” (in mock SA accent).

Right…

Embarrassingly, Rogan tried to end it early. I’ve never heard him do that before.

After this Kelly went into hyper mode as he desperately tried to grasp something to extend the conversation. With absolutely no relevance he starts talking about his foot injury again. He shills his buddy’s juice. He asks Rogan a question as if he’s the host, except it’s not really a question. And he tries desperately to get back to me, me, ME.

Joe: “I worked out for five-anda-a-half hours yesterday.”Kelly: “I surfed for five hours yesterday.”

Joe: “I’ve done intermittent fasting. I like to do 16 hrs”Kelly: “I’ve done, like, nine or 10 day fasts.”

And then, just when you think it can’t get any more ridiculous, he says the most American thing ever. (When Rogan mentions Sober October) “You got me in, man. I don’t drink much, but I feel so much better not having a beer.”

Despite his 46 years, Kelly Slater is a child of the Internet. A little knowledge of lots of things but no real depth. It’s a sad indictment of the effects of the Internet on learning in general, and it’s a shame to see someone who is a true expert in his field not be satisfied with that. Just talk about surfing, Kelly. We want to hear about it even if Joe Rogan doesn’t.

You know Of Mice and Men, right? Course you do. School n that. A play that became a novel. The story of loneliness and a beautiful but ultimately tragic relationship. Two men: one small, sharp of feature and wit. The other a big spaz. Lots of foreshadowing –should have killed the cunt ages ago etc.

These last few years of Kelly’s career have felt a little like a performance of the story. Kelly (of course) plays multiple characters.

He’s Candy and Candy’s dog. Old, knackered, long past his best. A bit whiffy. We’ll keep him around out of guilt, respect. But sooner or later someone will shoot the fucker and we’ll all be secretly glad.

He’s Curley. Bouncing around with his dukes up, picking internet fights in places he has no business. Trying desperately to prove something.

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Introducing: The gorgeous Matt Parker of Album surfboards!

If you surf in Southern California, you’ve probably seen Matt Parker’s Album boards around. Influenced by his art school background, his boards are distinctive. If you want a plain-wrap clear board, I’m pretty sure he’ll make you one, but his aesthetic tends toward the bold.

Parker started shaping for the usual reason — to make himself a board — and got hooked on the practice. He’s self-taught and build his first 20 or so boards entirely with hand tools. Currently, Album builds boards of every shape and size you can dream up with a mix of hand and machine shaping. Lately, Parker’s been experimenting with asymmetric designs and he’s a fan of the way the things ride.

Here’s a short interview for your enjoyment.

What was the first board you ever had?

I didn’t get my first board until I was twelve or thirteen. I think I was in the sixth grade. And I got this 6’6” Rockin’ Fig 80s style shortboard that I think my parent’s got at the flea market or something like that. I was like, obsessed — I got it for Christmas and I was obsessed with it. It was magic though! It had glass-on fins and cool airbrush. And I was like wow. It was made out of fiber glass. It was just — I was kind of blown away by it.

I grew up like half-an-hour inland. In California. I grew up in Orange, California, going to Newport to surf. But the idea of where surfboards came from was always kind of this mysterious thing, because I was always on the outside a little bit. There was only — there was maybe five or ten kids in my school that surfed. Seeing surfboards and being around that, was, I wasn’t right at the bubble of it, so it had a little extra magic about it.

Why did you start building boards?

The first board I shaped, I think I was 25. My background is art and and I’d gone to school for graphic design. So the idea of making a board, I didn’t seem all that insurmountable to me. It was just like making a painting or sculpture or something like that.

Back then — I mean, it wasn’t that long ago, I guess it was 20 years ago — but the boards you would see on a rack in a surf shop, there wasn’t a whole lot of variety. Shortboards, fun boards, and longboards — and maybe the occasional fish here and there. There was a lot of uniformity.

So I was like, “I want to surf something a little different.” So I made this 6’1.” It was like a performance board, a thruster, but it kinda had a little wider tail and a wider nose — and elements of those boards I liked in the 80’s as a kid. And modern rails — I was trying to make, you know, modern rails. I’m sure if I looked back now, I would gasp a little bit. But it did work. It came out somewhat looking like a surfboard.

Do you still have it?

I didn’t keep it that long. Right after I made it, I surfed it for a month maybe, I really got the bug to make another one. So I went and put it on consignment at Surfside Boards in Newport. And someone, amazingly! bought it. I remember when they called me, and I was like, really? Somebody bought that thing? Maybe it’s still floating around somewhere. Maybe someone is still riding it.

What designs are you really excited about now?

So the last four or five years, I’ve been making a ton of asymmetric boards. There’s huge potential in those. Playing around with those has been very addicting.

Your back foot just sits right on the sweet spot that makes a board pivot and turn. It’s just a really unique sensation. They don’t feel like you’re jumping on something that feels weird. They get more out of your board on lesser days and they have a really wide range where they’ll work when waves are good, too.

I’ve been making a couple little models for Josh Kerr. It’s been really validating, because he’s surfed them well in all sorts of waves. I made this little board called The Insanity. It always has an ‘80’s beak nose. It has a fishy entry rocker, but the original one I made for him was a 5’6” pintail that he surfed all over Hawaii: 5’6” x 18 1/2 x 2 5/16. It has a little fuller fishy foil to it, so it’s this little pocket rocket pintail.

Aesthetically, your boards don’t look like what anyone else is doing and I like that. It’s nice to see something that’s not the cookie cutter thing.

That’s what’s so funny, you know. A surfboard shouldn’t have rules as far as those things go. We can make whatever we want! Yet, there tends to be a little bit of conservative outlook in how they should look, you know. It kind of comes down to a little bit of that outsider perspective I had as a kid.

There’s so much that goes into the hierarchy of surf spots — in terms of where you fit in and your ability to get waves. It’s dependent on how people perceive you. Understandably, people kind of want to fly under the radar.

You’re putting yourself out there. You’ve got a real chance of putting a big target on your back that you’re kind of a kook. It’s easier to fall in line and follow the herd a little bit. For me, it’s like come on, it’s surfing. We’re trying to do like, water ballet on surfboards out in the water. We can’t take it too seriously.

We’re all looking for that little magic board that’s going to make us surf the way we think we can surf, right?

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Erik Logan (left) and Oprah Winfrey (center right) flash surf hands.

Revealed: The beautiful new synergies between Oprah and the World Surf League!

I’m back from the Land of Civilization, blurry-eye’d and in a general state of long haul confusion. It feels good to be home but oh how I missed my Middle East, my Egypt. It’s strange watching the globe shift beneath our feet. I studied in Egypt two-ish decades ago and then the entire country was geared toward the American empire. You couldn’t walk down the street without a street hustling Egyptian offering you the world, telling you that he named his son George Bush.

Now there are no Americans and few Europeans. The country points towards the gulf and aims to satisfy Khaleeji appetites instead. I was like a ghost which was enjoyable but also sad. My cab driver, who took me to the airport on the way out, was also sad. He begged for Americans and Australians to return. “We’re safe now…” he said. “…please tell your friends and family to come back. I used to take people to the pyramids everyday. Now I never. All the Kuwaitis want is prostitutes and alcohol.”

If you’ve got the itch you really should visit. The pyramids are fabulous this time of year.

Well, time moves on, anyhow, sometimes things becoming better, sometimes things become worse, sometimes an ex-employee of the Oprah Winfrey Network becomes the World Surf League’s President of Content, Media and WSL Studios-elect and next thing you know Julia Roberts is talking about it on television.

It’s true!

The very famous actress went onto the Busy Philipps talk show just a few days ago in order to discuss many things including ageism and gender inequality. Shall we read?

Speaking about ageism in the movie industry, Julia said: “I think that’s made-up bulls**t that at a certain age, the bell is going to ring and you are done, go on back home. It’s silly and I don’t think anybody buys into that. I don’t think I am special. I’ve always been fortunate that I have always found the work I am looking for. I mean, 30 years is a long time and I am grateful and satisfied.”

And Julia also has strong feelings about the gender pay gap, and says that although the problem still exists, it is getting better “every day”.

She said: “It’s an ongoing thing that we wish was more in the rear view. But every day … today I know the World Surfing League announced that they will have equal pay for their female surfers and male surfers. And Manchester United has a female team that started this year. I think there are places where people are really making those efforts in the right direction. So if it’s a little bit of time, then we have to take it and be happy for it.”

And boom. World Surf League front and center in Julia Robert’s heart and mind all thanks to Erik Logan via Oprah Winfrey, I’d imagine. Do you think this is the beginning of something big? Will World Surf League events begin to resemble Los Angeles Lakers games packed to the gills with celebrities and pseudo-celebrities?

Will the VIP section at the almost here Pipeline in honor of Andy Irons be stacked with actual very important people instead of Gabriel Medina’s aunt?

Like John Mayer and Leonardo Di Caprio and Jamie Foxx and Jamie Foxx’s on again off again girlfriend Katie Holmes?

A very brave new possible horizon.

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The Middle East is in a very strange time zone, I’ve just realized. When the sun peeks over the horizon, into the desert sand and honking horns, it is very late at night back home in California and just after dinner in Australia. Two night times and how does that work? How is it morning here, night in the U.S. and basically night in Australia?

I should know and am sure the answer is clear but there is no way I’m sussing it out in this state. I have more work today, anyhow, a full slate but before getting out in it I must nominate the definitive guide to surfing’s best brawlers for BeachGrit’s best of ’18. It had me laughing start to finish.

There is no laughing in Torquay, Australia right now though because it was just revealed that Rip Curl had the worst of ’18, halving its profits from ’17 and potentially tanking its value. Shall we read from The New Daily?

Australian iconic brands Rip Curl, Quiksilver, Ozmosis and Billabong are struggling to turn weighty profits ahead of summer as consumers continue to turn their back on once trendy branded T-shirts and surfy swimwear.

The wildly volatile surf retail sector has been rocked by brand collapses and acquisitions in recent years, with Rip Curl being valued at anything between “$80 million and $400 million” depending on who you ask, according to retail expert Brian Walker.

Rip Curl Group’s full-year profits this year took a dramatic dive to $9.8 million, halving its encouraging 2017 profit of $18.4 million.

It is a huge step backwards for the company, which this time last year had reported a doubling in profits.

The company attributed the massive drop in profits in part to its de-valuation of subsidiary retail chain Ozmosis, The Australian reported.

Etc.

Oh I know how just two months ago we celebrated the surf industry’s return and maybe Rip Curl’s troubles are just a small speed bump on the way to glory but things don’t look rosy for the big three. (Quik, Bong and Rip).

It is very convenient that Rip Curl owns a retail chain, I suppose. An easy hook upon which to hang the precipitous drop in profits but part of me wonders if supply chain is the real culprit. In ’16 things were trucking right along with North Korean slave labor the engine.

Choo-choo!

Due to an unfortunate expose, however, that all went away and mysteriously vanished profits with it.

Hmmmm.

Well you win some and you lose some but the article did point to an interesting phenomenon. Even with profits halved…

“…Rip Curl is doing better than the others and I think that’s because they’ve stuck to a core ‘surf brand’ strategy and focused on their aspiring and hardcore surfer market.

“Their competitors have diluted their brand by going into fashion lines and activewear to appeal to a broader market and have lost their way.”

The aspiring and hardcore surfer market. Us!

I always knew we’d be the future. Should we all go work as Rip Curl slaves now? It would be very inspiring, pushing those North Koreans out of the way, taking up the needle and thread and bringing Torquay back into the light.

A summer blockbuster film even.

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Is Zeke Lau the brawler his image suggests? And Double J? "Big kid from a fighty place."

Definitive: Your Guide to Surfing’s Best Brawlers!

Who has the piggy face with the DNA to fight? Who can go to a "dark place"?

In honour of all the “How tough is Zeke?” comments in response to his recent video, I’ve created the definitive rankings of how the top 34 would fair in one-on-one street fights against each other.

Several ringers have been included to set the scale.

Go ahead and argue if you didn’t notice the “definitive” part above.

But yeah, definitive.

Luke Rockhold (SCZ) That shin injury that kept him out of UFC 230? Bad luck for the top 34 he now has the time to focus on the WSL. He’d beat up any pro surfer ever, and also your dad when you were in elementary school.

Joel Tudor (LAJ) He’s a love-to-hate personality, but the elite level of his Brazillian Jiu Jitsu is undeniable. You think he’d get punched coming in and crumple, but the guy has mongoose DNA, and his ability to lock any joint from any angle is uncanny.

Michel Bourez (PYF) Stumpy explosive athlete with high level BJJ. He’s the class of the WSL.

Ezekiel Lau (HAW) Archetypal Polynesian football athlete. Probably could have played safety at USC if he’d been interested in making a nickel. Like many Polynesians, I smell in him the ability to roll back his eyes and go to the dark place.

Wade Carmichael (AUS) See Cardoso minus the Brazilian pedigree.

Frederico Morais (PRT) Has a fighter’s frame, appears to know how to generate power and leverage.

Kolohe Andino (USA) Bigger than he acts, and deep under the peanut-gallery-abused exterior there’s an Offspring song dying to thrash whatever’s in front of it. Plus Greek. Greeks are stronger than they look and meaner than they seem. He’d press his thumb into your eye.

John John Florence (HAW) Big kid from a fighty place. Much more of a quick-twitch athlete than he seems. Doesn’t seem to want to fight but could if pressed.

Mick Fanning (AUS) If he managed to take an opponent deeper than a couple of minutes his cardio is unmatched. Big jaw, looks hard to switch off.

Keanu Asing (HAW) Pound for pound favorite, Asing is a tough kid from a brawly culture. Trains some MMA with his bad-ass girl, and ostensibly has carnal relations with her and so steals some of her power (#science). Lacks mass though and might be overwhelmed by bigger opponents.

Connor O’Leary (AUS) Biggest of the younger guys, and it’s said he’s related to Bruce Lee. By racists, but still.

Gabriel Medina (BRA) Physically a super-elite athlete in the stem cell mold. Is very likely very good at everything physical, has a quick and mean mind running the machine.

Joel Parkinson (AUS) Could probably conjure his inner Ocker in a pinch.

Patrick Gudauskas (USA) Maybe you’d break your hand on those teeth and then feel the wrath of a vengeful Lord. But narrow face looks like he’s a high risk for KO.

Jeremy Flores (FRA) Probably the most wrong here. Lot of fight in a small dog but usually that seems to be directed to people not interested in whole-hearted reciprocation. MMA training though floats his cause upward.

Jordy Smith (ZAF) Big strong man but can’t see him setting his jaw and following through all the way.

Adrian Buchan (AUS) He’s here because like his surfing I could think about it all day and still not have an opinion.

Matt Wilkinson (AUS) Wildman with a long reach, but no one can fight on rollerskates.

Adriano de Souza (BRA) The little plumber seems like a pack-a-luncher, but that lunch is only so big.

Sebastian Zietz (HAW) All the hardcore Hawaii local cred, but Seabass seems too essentially good-natured to throw down with conviction.

Paige Hareb (NZL) Have you seen her fights? Tough little bitch with zero quit in her.

Joan Duru (FRA) Slip of a man, but he’s French so maybe if he became offended the Celt deep in his DNA would emerge.

Michael Rodrigues (BRA) He’s so quick, and yet there’s so little of him. But maybe he’d pick a middling opponent apart like an angry ferret.

Italo Ferreira (BRA) Given his backside attack he could throw a vicious roundhouse kick, but given his height at very best it might catch you in the nuts.

Jen See (IOWA) She seems like a mean person trying not to be mean. And could that vertical leap maybe be followed by a snappy kick to the side of the head?

Pottz (ENG) The initial whirlwind you’d face when the ’89 World Champion opened his account would be of consequence, but as long as he didn’t take out his scalpel and jam it in your pocket, after a minute he wouldn’t be able to get back to the power source and peter out on the flats.

Conner Coffin (USA) Look, he could hit you with his guitar, but it’s acoustic.

Tomas Hermes (BRA) All I can give him credit for is being a grown ass man, and as we age we become more shrewd.

Michael February (ZAF) So long, and yet so slow. But I assume South Africa makes you tough given the horrific murder rate and such.

Derek Rielly (AUS) Probably could generate some leverage when he turns those wide coat-hanger shoulders, but not a lot of baseline grunt supporting any of it.

Jesse Mendes (BRA) Honestly I don’t really know who he is.

Chas Smith (COOS) A coffee-table jumping fugue-state can take over at any moment, and hands are long enough to establish a solid choke. Still though he looks like scientists went into a lab to invent a physique maximally adapted to getting knocked the fuck out.

Caio Ibelli (BRA) Has a pretty girlfriend.

Owen Wright (AUS) Knocked out duck diving isn’t a good sign.

Yago Dora (BRA) He seems like he’d slap instead of punching.

Kelly Slater (LMR) In 0-1 fight record, he folded like a house of cards after the first semi-stiff jab. That never goes away.

Filipe Toledo (BRA) Phil is lover, not a fighter. Bet his pops could knock some teeth out though.

Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) In a high wind he couldn’t walk to the ring.

Ashton Goggins (VAJ) See Kelly Slater, and then imagine that as a whiny old lady. And then imagine that having its fist thrust in the air victorious over Ashton Goggins’ limp corpse as the Orange County Sheriff races to the scene.