The random ramblings of a crazy girl. Fall down the rabbit hole with me.

What is love and setting things free…

Speaking in the eloquent words of Haddaway (from the 90’s) “What is love?”. Is it the desperation of two dim witted brothers from Night at the Roxbury attempting to act cool? Is it a person, place or thing? Animal, mineral or vegetable? The next words in the song are, “Baby don’t hurt me!” and there’s a reason for that.

Love is something that means something different to everyone. To some, they see an item, remember a song or watch a movie and that’s a reminder of a certain kind of love to them. But moving to another song, “Love don’t cost a thing” or at least it shouldn’t right? But from the moment we all “love” something, anything, it’s possible it could cost us everything.

There are times when you let love go for either the reason that it’s not the healthiest kind of love or to see if it returns. There are times when you put love on hold so you can pursue other things in life. Then there are times when love is just forgotten or buried deep within so you can let someone else have their joy.

Not everyone is meant to have everything they want nor need. That’s the story of life, love included. If we always got what we wanted wouldn’t we just want more? Do we ever actually appreciate the things when we have them? Or are we such a society where instant gratification is a standard that no one really knows what the hell we want or need anymore anyway?

Why am I being so introspective today? For many reasons. First, you all know the struggles I’ve had with a “friend” in my life. It’s now been a month and a half or so since we’ve seen each other and I have a fear or a deep down knowledge that it’ll be a lot longer than that, if we ever actually do, see each other again.

When our sabbatical from each other first started I knew that it was because he’d found someone to replace his time with. My initial reaction was one of hope for him. He wants a family and regardless of the feelings that I have for him and knowing that he’d never have those wants with me, I had a glimmer of hope that maybe this was someone that he would be happy to finally have that with. My second reaction, albeit a close second, was that I knew this would be another longer interim of him not “needing” me and therefore no need to want to see me. I hated that I was right.

So a long silence from both of us occurred. His end was because he was busy forgetting the people that had helped him over the last few years and he was enjoying life with a new person. My end was two fold. One, I suppose it was a bit of a test to see what would happen and when he’d reach out, if he did. The second was to let him have his space to be happy. We’d been fighting a lot. It started to seem daunting for him to make time for us so there’s nothing left to do at that point but to let someone go and not to bother them at all.

The next thing was the “coming back”. If this was to happen what would be the reason? That sounds silly right? Why should there be any other reason to see a friend other than because you miss them? Obvious right? Wrong! In his attempt to meet up again, there was nothing about “miss you”, “can’t wait to see you” or “I want to spend time together”. Nope, none of that.

Let me interject a story here. I’ve taken lots of classes for different things because of my job. One of my first jobs was a customer service roll which I had to take a customer service class and the first thing they teach you is that, no matter what good things you have to say to someone the only focus will be on the worst thing. Basically if I was to say to you, “Your hair looks amazing but your clothes look like shit.” You soon forget that I had anything nice to say to you at all.

Back to the “lets hang out” conversation. There was a whole lot of empty filler and then the actual reason or request for why he had chosen to reach out to me after a long sabbatical. If this was the first, second or even third time this had happened it might be ok because, where he’s concerned, I’ve learn to have a fuck-load of patience but it’s been too many times to count. It would be different if I’d never brought up this concern to him before but I have. Numerous times. In fact, my exact words were this, “You make me feel like a loyal trusty dog”. This was obviously due to the fact that I have always been here for him.

I’ve put in time, love and money into a one sided friendship that was so easy for him to cast away, all while saying things like “You’re my BFF.” “I love and care about you more than most”. When you immediately follow all those things up with silence until you need something you’ve completely voided any goodness those things once offered and yet again, made someone feel like a loyal trusty dog.

The issues that I have are these: First, I promised to ALWAYS be there but at what cost? There’s truly nothing I can do about these feelings I have for him and I’ve tried everything. I’ve never, in my life, been a pushover nor a doormat. I’ve never thought twice about letting go of people that weren’t healthy but I’ve also never felt like I only had a friend when then needed me for something or when they were bored with life and I was a last resort. So, I have no clue what to do.

Here is where my head and my heart are at odds with each other and apparently God as well. My heart says, “He’ll always hold a special place in here whether he wants to or not but he’ll always break your heart”. My head says, “What the fuck are you doing? You are so much better than feeling less than amazing. If he missed you, he’d see you. Period. If he missed you he’d say it. Period. If you weren’t “replaceable” you’d never have been replace nor lied to about it”. God, on the other hand, is still sending me emails in my dreams WITH HIS MOTHER AND SISTER. This is so unfair.

This seems like it should be such an easy task to accomplish but having self respect, I know that I have to listen to my head right? Or is the problem that I’ve never listen to my heart before and it’s about time? Or do I listen to God, and his Mother and Sister?

The last thing I’ll ask about this topic, as it’s obviously been weighing on me, is this…

“If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.”

But if it comes back with an asterisk and it’s not yours and never has been does any of that even apply?

There was once a time, in our friendship, that there wasn’t any asterisks and there was never any question. There was actually a time when I knew or thought I knew that he was fighting for a friendship here that had surpassed over two decades and would last forever but now, I just feel like he’s forgotten the friendship completely. There was once a time when I believe his words, “I look forward to repaying your kindness” and now I feel like he’s just using my kindness.

Last night I prayed that God ask him to show me that he actually cares about the person behind the kindness. I have a feeling that I will be waiting for a very long time for that, if I ever see any fight left in him. I have always tried to look at our situation through both our eyes and I wish that he would, just once, do the same for me.

I’ve at least gathered my thoughts up enough to write it all down here in hopes that it all gets out of my head. I really want life to prove me wrong, just once. Just… Once…