Open Letters Friday, Volume 111

Open Letters Friday is a segment here at PCL for your reading and writing enjoyment. I’ll share with you some of my open letters for the week and you’ll get the opportunity in comments to share yours. Now, tell me, who do you need to write to this week?

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Dear The Mister:

The iPad thing was cute. I’m blown away by such a nice gift and I was really surprised that you were able to hold back for several days without my having found it. It speaks volumes about your patience. I would have given up and shoved the thing in your face long before you did.

HOWEVER…

You damn near killed me yesterday. See, finding a dead animal in the yard is enough to give me a heart attack. So when you later put a box near the door with a tail hanging out of it, don’t be surprised when I chew your ass out in a high pitched voice to get it out of my face. And then don’t be surprised when you walk in and chuck a fake coon skin cap at me from the costume archives that I shriek in fear.

Granted, I then laughed for like ten minutes. As you did. But still.

Are you trying to cause early labor?

Love always,

Your Wife Who Hates Vermin

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Dear Brooklyn the Dog:

Thank you for not eating or rolling in said dead squirrel. I’m pretty sure that’s what you were examining the other night when I was outside with you. But with the random leaves and the darkness, it was hard to see anything.

I get that you’re not the average dog and this is one of those times I’m grateful for that. If I saw you eating or otherwise touching a dead animal, I would have probably died.

Love always,

Your Not The Average Mama

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Dear Michigan State Representative Lisa Brown:

Gurl…you need a spa day. I’d like to offer you the opportunity to head to the spa with a heavily knocked up woman and talk trash about the Michigan GOP.

Go get Gretchen Whitmer and we’re headed to the damn spa. Fuck all this noise. You two need a break. And after your brief but beautiful speech on the House floor last night–in the middle of the night when legislation should not be being proposed and passed–you earned yourself a Kim-style treat. Spa. Lunch. Ice cream. Let’s do it.

Love,

A Devoted Michigander

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Dear Sean Penn:

I honestly don’t know what to feel about you. On one hand, you seem like you want to do some good in the world. On the other, it seems like you are the worst kind of attention whore–the kind that thinks the world revolves around you.

See, just this week in an Esquire article (who knew that magazine still existed?) you said two controversial things. First, you equated Port-au-Prince, Haiti with Detroit in terms of safety. And while I get what you were trying to say, let me remind you that Detroit doesn’t exactly want to be used as the unsafe city standard of the world. Doesn’t really help matters.

Then, you decided to inform the world that you feel like you’ve never been truly loved. I kind of feel bad if that’s the truth. But I just don’t think it is. And if it was, at your age with two marriages under your belt–one for 14 years–I feel like that’s your own damn fault.

I just don’t know what to say. So I’ll let this GIF speak for me.

Sincerely,

A Confused Woman

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Now it’s your turn! Get things off your chest. And you can check out other Open Letters Fridays here.

And if you are interested in having your Open Letter featured on the next Open Letters Friday here at PCL, e-mail me atkim@perfectlycursedlife.com.