Can't you send me more details in email? I am sure I would enjoy speaking with you, as one player to another; however, it is not safe for me to telephone at this moment. Allow me to explain.

Although the Party has made great strides towards bringing federal enforcement under our direct supervision and direction, there are still some right-wing deviationists among them, still bending an ear to the outdated, reactionary ideology of individual self-determination under the rule of law, and actively discriminating in favour of interests contrary to the goals and needs of the Party. Mr. Desmarais has assured us that this will change over time as the old-thinkers and their old-thoughts die out and are replaced by generations raised almost from birth with Party principles in Party institutions. But the federal police are not yet fully reliable, as demonstrated by the recent revelation of our trade secrets to enemies of the Party.

Why is this important? My friend, it would be too dangerous to call such an unusual long distance number from here. All outgoing calls from my constituency office are logged, and the call might be noticed and traced by a hostile element who is envious of Party power and wishes to destroy everything we have built up.

And, unfortunately, I have been snowed in here! This week we all had to go back to our home ridings and pretend to listen to the feeble, irrelevant complaints of utter nobodies. It's been snowing the whole time and now I'm stuck here with these losers until the snow clears for the plane :-P

These standard considerations of Party business aside, I hope I will not offend you by pointing out that for all I know, you may be one of these elements, and possibly even a representative of an unregulated, grey-market Internet site looking to smear loyal Party members. Before I contact you, Party protocol requires that I first get reassurance that you are on our side. This would moreover give me an excuse to call you.

I can tell by your way of doing business that you have the character of a true Party loyalist. In these times what the Party needs above all is loyalists. As everyone knows, the first step to doing business with the Party is to join us.

To prove you are in good faith and deserve to do business with us, please complete our standard membership form and send it back to me for processing.

LIBERAL PARTY OF CANADA --- MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION

* Your Name: __________________* Your Age: ___________________* Your Racial Constituency: _________________* Your Sexual Preference: ____________________* Your Address: _______________________* Your Telephone Number: ____________________________* Your Email Address: ________________________________* Why do you want to join the Liberal Party of Canada? ________________________________* Would you object to being an accomplice to abuse of the treasury? ___________________* Do you own a whistle? ___________________________________* "Voicing opposition to same-sex marriage is like spitting on the grave of Martin Luther King, Jr." Discuss. __________________________________* Suppposing Jean is given a government contract for $11,000,000, and the Party is to receive $2,500,000 in courtesy fees:a) how much does Jean have left after the transaction is complete? _______________b) if Jean had to pay $10,000 to acquire the contract, what was his overall profit? ______________

Please complete this form to the best of your ability. If your application is accepted, I would then have an excuse for telephoning you once I return to Ottawa.

Do not worry about membership fees, we have that part covered.

I hope to hear from you soon. I am very excited in this opportunity to raise funds for the Party. It is not yet certain whether our propagandists in the television networks will succeed in preventing a political takeover of our business interests, but your offer would greatly improve our financial position and help get the message out to Canadians.

I hope that you appreciate that I am a very busy and important man. I also trust you have not yet gone to the unregulated media with details of our discussion thus far. As we say in the Party, "Two can keep a secret..." ;-)

Please don't forget to fill out the membership form! You absolutely must do this before I contact you.