True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Our parents teach us not to run with scissors, talk with our mouth full, or stick our finger in a light socket. Friends teach us how to share, fit in, and annoy our parents.

We also learn from watching movies. Horror movies have taught me to never trust a guy in a hockey mask and stay out of dark, scary places such as parking garages and basements. Any temptation to find out about the unknown, to “go over there by myself in the dark and take a look” will ultimately yield a bad result. It’s like being the extra in a Star Trek episode. That red uniform guarantees your character will be killed.

One immutable truth is to never mess with an unknown substance. It could be alien and take over your brain, toxic and take over your brain, or dangerous in some unknown way and take over your brain. Don’t touch it, taste it, smell it, poke it, or get close enough where it could explode in your face or otherwise contaminate you. Remember, it can take over your brain.

Knowing all this, I’m at a loss to explain the behavior of Tucson’s KGUN reporters. Upon finding thousands of mysterious gooey purple marbles in the desert, they violated the “don’t touch” rule. They got close to the orbs, poked and squished them until they oozed a watery substance.

Knowing all the bad things that can happen, I closely observed the reporters for signs that their brains had been overtaken. Although I’ve never seen their show before nor observed their behavior in the past, they nevertheless appeared to be somewhat glassy-eyed and stiff, maybe under some type of unnatural control.

I think we need to keep our eyes and ears open for strange events in Tucson. When the CDC reports a “mysterious illness” and quarantines the area, remember that you read it here first.

Don’t touch anything you can’t identify. And to play it safe, stay out of Tucson for a while.