Hello, and welcome to the Tech Support orientation. I am senior technical researcher David Rosen, and I will be orienting you. Before we begin, I’d like to ask that all cellphones, smart phones, smart glasses, smart watches and smart ties be disabled. I know it sucks, but I need your full attention if you want to get credit for this.

Okay? Okay.

The Tech Support department of The Foundation is probably one of the most illustrious careers many of you could have hoped for. Instead of sitting in a cubicle belonging to a huge faceless organization, you’ll sit in a cubicle belonging to a huge faceless organization that fights evil stuff in the dark, like Bigfoot.

Please sit down, it gets better. I promise.

The technology you will be working with is light years ahead of anything you have ever seen. You will regularly work with computers that you thought were only possible theoretically. You will work with devices that make the Cray look like a Trash-Eighty.

On the flip side of that, you will also have to work with bugs and errors that you never thought were possible. Think installing a server is a tough job? Try installing one in a room that contains living fire. Or a computer needs to have a file that was accidentally deleted retrieved? Try finding the file that contains one of your coworkers.

Yeah, really.

Now the majority of you are going to be working as support, answering phone calls and that sort of thing. Most of the time you will be handling calls relating to normal Foundation computer trouble. Now, many of you may be thinking “Oh that doesn’t sound so hard”. Let me put it this way. Normal to the Foundation is like… bad science fiction to the normal world. You will be providing help for the most bizarre problems imaginable, running the gauntlet from E-AIDS to a laptop transforming into a parrot. Your scripts will cover most of the calls though. When you can’t solve a problem over the phone, send an engineer.

Okay, engineers. You’re gonna be working on the front line of support. You’re the ones who have to go in and get your hands dirty when sparks start flying. The senior engineers will be there to help you, but a lot of the time you will be on your own. I know it can be scary to try and repair a router that’s actively trying to kill you, but you get used to it.

Now, there are some people who just do not learn. Some people who repeatedly abuse the privilege that is Tech Support. If you have a user who reports problems like “accidentally having a computer fly out the window” or “dropped it in a tank of 447” then you put them on “Rosen’s Happy List of People Who're Banned FOREVER.” These are the people who you don’t have to help, and you are encouraged to get them to stop calling us by any means necessary. People on the list include Dr. Bright, Professor Crow, Agent Convit, and my ‘assistant’ Dr. Taylor. If any of them stop by the department in person… you will find the Nerf guns under your desks. Use them wisely.

Alright! Questions! Hmm… you, with the acne. What are the perks? Well, you don’t have to wear a uniform if you work the phones. People in the department are really kind of separate from what the super duper serious science that the rest of the Foundation does, so we pretty much just do our own thing. We have our own break room with soda and snacks, and uh…the pay is pretty good for you guys, I guess.

You, with the mustard stain on the shirt. Do you get to access the technical issue request page? Hell no you don’t. That is strictly for me and the Level 3’s who post on it. It’s basically where the real scientists go when you guys can’t help them.

Alright, I think that’s all the time I got. You will all be assigned cubes and shit next week, so try not to break anything or die until then. Oh, uh… have fun and stuff.