Tuesday, July 27, 2010

this is a self reflection on grief and who/whatever i blame, just a rant u prob dont need to read... not much positive, not much negitive either, mostly neutral. grey even.

what has happened? when was my last post, i dont know. what i understand in grief is that you have time then things are supposed to move. maybe my rhythms have synchronised with the rate of global warming. i have some sort grief menstrual cycle not to dissimilar to the movements and melting of antarctic glaciers. still depend on the left over chats saved on skype, msn and the pictures heavily, still (if not more increasingly) isolated and currently cant fit any of my clothes. its getting closer to the date when i get out of uni and assimilate into the workplace as well. the panic of that is enough to make me anxious, though, it doesnt take much to tip that scale. im a sensitive person.

ive tried hardening up. hardening has coincided with problems arising from gender expectations and rippled out into wider social ramifications. what i mean by this is that by being a guy i have not been encouraged by anyone to grieve out loud, there has been a curtain draped over all that has happened. its like ive missed my chance to reach out bc people think i have moved along. its well known that people around you outside of the immediate effects of grief move on in near lightning speed often not knowing grief still exists for the person left behind. back to the gender thing, statistically, for australia, men account for the majority of suicides and are notorious for not seeking mental health care. i blame gender roles, the expectation of men to maintain a solid stance and strength. irregardless of sexuality i feel like society has screwed men over in the psychological health department. you know, im a tough boy, i can deal... apparently. i live it and think what the hell is wrong with me i know better and understand that its ridiculous but still i am acting out my gender, filling a role i want to leave behind but is so integrated into the structure of my life that it has created endless mental battles back to back to undo it all.

currently i have isolated myself from the social world, from my family and friends. i go to uni and have a cloudy future. i cant say ive moved anywhere that is closer to somebody else at least. my own mind is fulfilling conversations i might have had with a social life, food supports the energy needed to function. its as though ive packed up and left for an island within my own mind most days. i still act out niceness and positivity for other people, pretty good at lying for other peoples sake.