[Chevy dials the rotary phone, waits a few seconds for an answer, then hangs up]

Chevy Chase: Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not. The top story tonight: The Senate Intelligence Committee has revealed that the CIA has been involved in no less than nine assassination plots against various foreign leaders. Commented President Ford upon reading the report, quote, “Boy, I’m sure glad I’m not foreign.”

[Chroma-key screen shows a picture of a pair of hands, one stabbing the other with a fork. The stabbed hand is circled, and the word “SIMULATION” appears underneath]

Later, Mr. Ford pierced his left hand with a salad fork at a luncheon celebrating Tuna Salad Day at the White House. Alert Secret Service agents seized the fork and wrestled it to the ground.

Former Governor of California Ronald Reagan formally announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination Wednesday. Reagan stated, quote, “I haven’t lost my looks yet, and I’m still as knowledgeable on foreign affairs as I was when I was narrating Death Valley Days.”

Meanwhile in Miami, a man tried to attack Reagan with a fake pistol a few short hours after the announcement. Reagan said he was not shaken, but later, he about-faced on an issue that he strongly opposed for years, calling for strenuous toy gun control legislation.

Well, after a long illness, Generalissimo Francisco Franco died Wednesday. Reactions from world leaders were varied. Held in contempt as the last of the fascist dictators in the West by some, he was also eulogized by others, among them Richard Nixon, who said, quote “General Franco was a loyal friend and ally of the United States. He earned worldwide respect for Spain through firmness and fairness.” Despite Franco’s death and an expected burial tomorrow, doctors say the dictator’s health has taken a turn for the worse.

[Screen shows photo of a man loading a mortar round into a cannon]

Ex-heavyweight champion Joe Louis, the Brown Bomber, proved he still has the fastest hands in the business by catching a live mortar round in mid-air.

The FCC announced today that for every Ford commercial run on television, a minute of an old Ronald Reagan film must be shown. As a result of this action, a spokesman for George Wallace responded by demanding equal time by showing one minute of Ironsides. [Mixed laughter and groans from the audience]

After seven years in exile, author and black leader Eldridge Cleaver returned to the United States Thursday to face federal charges. Cleaver stated to the surprise of many that he wants to celebrate the bicentennial of his country. Calling his book Soul On Ice merely a practical joke, the author says that the future of America’s black movement is in the Kiwanis and Rotary clubs now.

[Screen shows “Still to come” graphic with pictures of people on fire jumping into water]

Still to come: Jerry Ford has a barbecue, after this filmed message.

[Applause. Dissolve to “Spud Beer” commercial.]
[dissolve back on close-up of Spud Beer can on Weekend Update desk. Camera pans back to show Chevy holding the can]

Chevy Chase: Spud Beer. I drink it, and it’s very unusual [opens can] for a newsman to make an issue out of a good beer. But I drink it, and I pour it on my suit. [He pours a bit on his suit] Strange, isn’t it? [Sets can aside]

A final humorous note: Cartoonist Charles Schulz announced today that he plans to create another character for his popular comic strick, comic st — toy boat, toy boat — comic strip Peanuts, famous for such personalities as Snoopy and Woodstock. [Screen shows picture of Peanuts’ yellow bird Woodstock wearing Nazi uniform] According to Schulz, he will replace Woodstock with a bird named Altamont, who will beat the other birds to death with a pool cue.

And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris.

[Garrett appears in a “circle wipe” in the upper-left corner of the screen. He shouts the top story seconds after Chevy reads the words.]

Chevy Chase and Garrett Morris: Our top story tonight: The Senate confirms that the CIA has been involved in several assassination plots on foreign leaders.