Snow at Christmas

by JB

"So I guess you will be off to see your family for Christmas.
When are you leaving?" Mel asked.

"Actually I was thinking about going up to my cabin and
hoping that maybe you might join me  you know we could deck the halls
and do the chestnuts roasting on the open fire thing" Jay replied.

"I dont know."

"Ahh come on it will be fun, we can hang out, go hiking,
make hot chocolate  sit in front of the fire  itll be great."

"I dont know, Im not much fun during the holidays
 they kind of make me a bit melancholy."

"All the more reason for you to come with me  we
can get through the holidays together  it would be so much fun."

"You know you dont have to do this."

"Do what?"

"Look after me  I might be pitiful but you dont
have to stay and take care of me  Why dont you go home for the
holidays? You know the holidays are meant to be spent with family, you have
a family, Ive seen pictures, heard stories  why arent you going
to see them?"

Jay just sat quietly for a moment staring into space 
her jaw clenching slightly if Mel had not been so consumed in her own inner turmoil
she would have seen the pain and known that she had hit some nerve.

Jay turned to Mel and quietly said, "I just thought it
would be fun to spend Christmas at the cabin with you. I probably should get going."

Before Mel could formulate a response Jay was gone, quietly
shutting the door behind her.

Jay got in her car and started driving suddenly lost in her
thoughts, another place, another time. Not until she got home did she remember
the small gift she had taken over to Mel, it was a small token gift to mark the
beginning of the twelve days of Christmas. While others celebrated the
twelve days after Christmas, Jay and her sisters had always exchanged small gifts,
notes, cards, phone calls, little reminders that someone was thinking about them
during the last couple of weeks before Christmas.

Mel sat staring out of her window. It had been so long since
the holidays were happy times. She remembered the last Christmas that she really
felt safe, happy, complete. She was 11 years old, sitting with her mother up
on the housetop surveying the winter wonderland spread before them.
Her mother had always loved the snow, she delighted in the delicacy of each individual
snowflake and would just stand with her head turned up letting the snowflakes
twirl around her. Mels mother loved life, loved to laugh and seemed to approach
the world differently from other parents. Sitting on the rooftop after a snow
was just one example. But her mother rejoiced in her world and looking at the
world from perspectives others did not. Mel even at a young age had embraced her
mothers way of looking at life differently even though it made her outcast
to many her age not ready to deal with life outside of the box. Others would stare
at them dancing in the snow or sitting on the roof and shake their heads at the
pair but Mel didnt care. Her mother was everything. As they sat on the roof
that Christmas morning her mother had commented on how beautiful the snow was,
how quiet the world was when it snowed and how the snow could soften the sharp
edges and cover the dirt and pollution just for a little while. How the snow doesnt
get rid of the problems but gives us a break for just a little while, a time to
renew or strength and then face it all again.

"When Im gone my beloved I will come to you
in the snow"

Mel stepped out in the evening to run to the store and found
the small package on her doorstep. It was so small she almost missed the plainly
wrapped package with holly and berries glued on top for a bow. The gift was simple
a tiny stuffed bear with a collar of jingle bells and note announcing the
beginning of Christmas. Mel then noticed the note the package had been sitting
on and read it as well. "Im sorry if you took my invitation in a manner
not intended. I cant spend the holidays with my family so I thought it would
be fun for us to be together. I wont bring it up again but know that if
you want to go you are very much invited."

Mel tried to call Jay later in the evening but got the answering
machine. Her message was simple, "Thank-you for the gift, call me."

Jay had driven late into the night lost in her thoughts and
upon arriving home she went to bed not bothering to check her messages.

Gifts were given the next couple of days, silently left at
the doorstep. When Jay finally returned the calls, Mel was more than a little
frustrated. "Where have you been? Ive been trying to catch up with
you."

Jay really had no good answer where she had been. She could
really say she had gotten lost in her thoughts and just returned so she replied,
"I guess I took a little trip you know over the river and through the woods.
Did you get your gifts?"

"Yes, but that still doesnt explain where youve
been"

"Ive just been busy, sorry I didnt get back
with you,"

Mel wasnt sure what she heard in the voice over the phone,
loneliness maybe? Deciding at that moment if Jay would still have her she would
go to the cabin with her.

"So do you think maybe you still would like some company
this Christmas?"

"Really, you want to come up the cabin with me?"
Mel could hear the smile in Jays voice as she started another story. "You
know when we were little my sisters and I used to exchange these tiny twelve days
of Christmas gifts. Mom wouldnt let us buy things so we just used things
from around the house. Gifts could be anything, pretty paper dolls, tin
foil hats, anything. One year I got a bunch of rocks and cut the bells off the
cat collars. I glued the bells on to the rocks and"

Mel knew exactly where this was going and interrupted, "Dont
tell me, you gave everyone a jingle bell rock."

"Oh yeah I did and they were great, you better watch out
that could be your next gift."

"Tell you what, Ill go to the cabin if you keep
the jingle bell rock."

Jay laughed and quickly said, "Youve got a deal
on that one."

"Goodnight and sleep well."

-------

"It is so beautiful up here. I just love the quiet."
Mel commented as they were hiking along one of Jays homemade paths each
lost in quiet thoughts enjoying the outside.

Jay suddenly darted ahead up the trail.

"What are you doing?"

Jay didnt answer; she just used her momentum to leap
in the air and grab the lowest branch of huge tree and hoisted herself up. Climbing
quickly toward her destination. Mel watched from the ground yelling up to her,
"you better be careful." Jay had reached her goal and was plucking several
green plants growing up in the tree and throwing them down toward Mel. The plants
kept getting caught in lower branches so she stuffed some in her jacket pockets
and one under the brim of her hat. Then she carefully made her way back down,
remembering too late that getting back down was a lot harder than going up the
tree. Jay lost her hold on the final branch and landed in a pile next to Mel.

"Oh yeah that felt good  good thing I didnt
land on you" Jay said as she slowly stood up. "Looks like its gonna
be another black and blue Christmas for me" Jay brushed her butt off
and flexed arms and legs to see if everything was working.

"Whats wrong with you  you could have killed
yourself climbing that tree, what the hell is so important that you go off like
a crazy woman?"

Jay looked at her with a crooked grin and said "Mistletoe"
and then pointed to the piece stuck in her cap. "I love the stuff, it brings
back good memories and I was hoping to get to use it, maybe"

"Not after you scared me like that," Mel said as
she continued down the trail

"Oh come on, Im O.K. Ive been doing that for
years  nothing more than some scrapes come on." But Mel wasnt
stopping and Jay grimaced as she starting trotting to catch up

Mel did not look toward or say anything when Jay came up beside
her and Jay kicked herself for doing the wrong thing again so she did what she
always did. She launched into a story. "You know my mom always warned me
about doing such foolish things. One Christmas the church had the idea for all
the children to be dressed as something from the Christmas story. Mom decided
her girls were going to be angels. I begged to be a shepherd, a wise man, the
little drummer boy, a camel. I didnt care anything but an angel.
She made each of us a white Christmas dress with silver bells sewn
around it. I was so mad when I saw the dresses I ran outside and climbed the tree
in our backyard I wasnt coming down until she said I could be an elf. Of
course that didnt happen. What did happen is that I decided to see how I
could go in the tree and ended up falling out. Broke my arm, scraped every visible
piece of skin and somehow ended up with a black eye. It took Mom and Dad to get
me in the dress but somehow they did it. You know I . . ."

Jay stopped talking when Mel reached up and put her had over
mouth, "SHHHHHHHHHH, do you hear what I hear?"

Jay shook her head and mumbled with the hand over her mouth,
"I dont hear anything"

"Exactly"

"Im sorry, I just start talking and" Jay stopped
again when one tiny hand came up to her mouth and another hand silently reached
out, took hers and held it as they walked along. Jay not wanting to break the
spell walked quietly beside her thankful for the gesture and hopeful that she
was no longer in trouble. After a few minutes her fears were relieved when Mel
glanced at her and grinned, then straightening the mistletoe Jay still had in
her cap leaned up for a gentle kiss.

"Hey this stuff can make you happy" Mel said with
a sparkle in her eye.

Upon returning to the cabin Jay began the task of tying her
mistletoe sprigs into a bunch and picking out a place for hanging them

"So are you going share some of your mistletoe memories
or are they too hot to share," Mel asked.

"No hot mistletoe memories to share yet, I am up for making
some though," Jay said with a wink. Jay was quiet for a moment and then smiled,
"One Christmas morning, I guessed I was about eight, Anna and I were running
around getting ready to go open presents but Carol was just moping around. She
was about five, I guess, so you would think she would be the one causing the most
ruckus.

I asked her, "Whats wrong with you, dont you
remember that Santa came last night?"

She said, "I dont care about that old man, I just
want my daddy"

"What are you talking about?" Anna asked.

"I think Mommy doesnt love Daddy anymore."

"Carol, come on, whats wrong with you. I think you
had too many cookies last night or something"

"I couldnt sleep last night so I snuck down stairs
and I saw her kissing Santa."

She was speaking so softly Anna and I could barely hear her
and we both said, "What?"

She then just let out a wail, "I saw mommy kissing
Santa Claus" and fell into her bed in a puddle of tears.

Mom and Dad come running in to see what was going on and just
what I had done to make her cry and Dad is wearing red flannel pajamas, a Santa
hat and a Santa beard, evidently he had been trying out his costume and the mistletoe
the night before.

Carol starts crying harder convinced that dad was gone and
Santa Claus had moved in. Needless to say we got it all straightened out and it
was a good day. Anna and I sang "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" all
day. She really hated that song.

Mel chuckled with Jay and saw again the cloud flicker across
her features before her bright eyes returned to her. "So what about you?
Do you have any mistletoe memories?"

Mel met Jays eyes, a memory flashed through her head,
sitting with her mother in front of the fireplace listening to her mother read
the Christmas story. The tree trimmed with homemade ornaments  dried flowers
from the spring, popcorn strung on string, tiny wreaths made from the holly
and the ivy they had found  a peaceful safe time.

A pain pricked her heart as she heard her mothers last
whisper to her "Remember that you are my beloved and I will come to you,
when you least expect it I will come to you. In the spring rains, summer flowers,
falling leaves of autumn and the snow of winter I will be there"

Jay saw the hesitation and the flicker of pain. Not wanting
to ruin the fun day they had had Jay quickly launched into another story. "You
know the first time I kissed a girl was under mistletoe and the first girl I ever
kissed was named Noel  she was the first Noel of two Noels that I
have known. You know Noel is a strange name, you can spell it N-O-E-L or N-O-E-L-L-E
but either way theres an L, one or two, but there is no way to spell it
with no L. You know that reminds me, my mom always spelled hell, H-E-double L
what was that all about, I mean . . ."

"Whoa, Whoa, Jay what are you talking about?" Mel
said laughing. "You know you can be so quiet but come Christmas and you turn
into a runaway train."

"I guess, Im still just kid, so you ready to decorate
the tree  its not much but I brought a little artificial tree and
some popcorn we could pop and string. Then we could go out and collect some things
to make decorations. Pretty silly I know, it could be fun, but if you would rather
not"

Mel stared at Jay as she babbled on amazed at the change Jay
could go through  from the strong confident woman to this adorable little
puppy wanting so much to please. "I think it would be a lot of fun to decorate
a tree with you.

"Alright then Ms. Randolph or as the season is Christmas
maybe I should say Ms. Rudolph lets get cracking," Jay saw the flash again
and knowing immediately that she had said something wrong she opened her mouth
to launch into another story when Mel spoke very quietly.

"They use to tease me all the time with that name 
look here comes Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, wheres that crazy
mama of yours, is she looking for your grandma, I bet your grandma got run
over by a reindeer didnt she? Thats what happens when you sit
on your rooftop watching to see if Santa Clause is coming to town, thats
it Rudolph run away  run, Rudolph run  I never gave them the
satisfaction of running  I would just walk on not saying a word. I never
gave them the satisfaction of giving them any reaction. Why is it that to be different
you are automatically a target? I would get so angry but mom said just let it
go  you cant make them understand when they dont want to understand.
I never defended us I just walked away and then after she died nothing seemed
to matter any more. At the funeral they all came with their parents and I listened
to their parents "were so sorry for your lose" and "let
us know if we can help"  "remember dear we are here for you."
I never said a word. I just let them go on thinking that I believed their lies.
She died when I was twelve. It was three days after Christmas. I know I should
have had time to recover but I lived and was loved more in those first twelve
years of life than in these last 24 years. I have never felt loved or safe since
she left but she promised me that she would come in the spring rains, summer flowers,
autumn leaves and the snow of winter and she would bring a love like a warm blanket
in the cold, like a fire in the night that would hold me the rest of my days.
I wait but nothing happens, every Christmas I pray for snow, I pray that I will
find her in the falling snow of Christmas." Mel stopped and looked up at
Jay. In catching her eyes she saw something she had not seen before, her heart
gave a jolt and she quickly looked away.

Mel had spoken no louder than a whisper and Jay had had to
concentrate hard to hear her words. It took all her self control not to shout
"but I am here, I love you, I can make you feel safe, I will be with you
for the rest of your days, just open your eyes and see me"

Jay opened her mouth to speak but Mel quickly interrupted,
"Jay could you just give me a moment Ill be back, I just," she
didnt finish as she stepped through the door on to the porch.

Jay watched through the window as Mel walked slowly down the
trail. Jay noted the time and the amount of daylight left and decided that it
was best to just leave Mel alone for awhile but if darkness came she would have
to go find her.

Jay set about at least trying to make the cabin a cheerier
place for Christmas Eve.

Hearing a light footstep on the porch she looked up expecting
to see the door open. When it did not she rushed over a looked out to find Mel
sitting on the top step. Worried that Mel would be cold and anxious to reconnect
with the woman she picked up a blanket and step outside. Carefully she draped
the blanket across Mels shoulders. When Mel did not speak Jay turned back
to sit in the rocker and waited.

"You know once your family is gone its gone 
people dont seem to understand that, they say oh Ill see them next
holiday or Ill tell them that tomorrow and then tomorrow doesnt come
and you are left without them."

Mel didnt see the tears form in Jays eyes. She
didnt see them slowly trickle down her cheeks.

"I just dont understand why you chose to come here
with me and not spend it with your family."

Mel didnt hear the whispered "please stop"

"One day they will be gone and youll be left,"
Mels voice trailed off as she heard Jay whisper, "with an empty space
in your heart. You pick up to phone to call remember that no one will be there.
You see the perfect gift and realize that they are gone. You hear a voice and
turn around and it is not who you thought. Your world is turned up side down,
it twists and everything changes and you know that it will never be the same.
Where once there was a group you realize that you are down to one. You
hurt and then you go numb and all you have is memories, memories that no
matter how happy they take you by surprise and hurt to have"

Jay had closed her eyes as she spoke, tears silently coursing
down her cheeks. She did not hear Mel come up and kneel beside her. She opened
her eyes when she felt Mels hand cover her own and then turned her hand
so their fingers entwined. "Theyre all gone, Anna, Carol, Mom, Dad.
Theyre gone. Drunk driver killed my sisters and mom a few years ago. They
were all spending Thanksgiving together and had gone shopping. Coming home a drunk
driver crashed into them. No one survived. I had not gone since Dad was having
difficulty with my coming out in fact he didnt even call me about the crash.
A friend of the family called with her condolences and told me what had happened.
At the funeral my Dad spoke to me one time. He said he didnt understand
how life worked. His family was taken from him and he was left with one he wouldnt
claim. He died the next year of a heart attack"

Mel stood up and then sat carefully on Jays lap offering
what comfort she could and in return received the same.

They held each other until darkness fell and the cold reminded
them that they were outside. Jay looked at Mel somewhat embarrassed at her lose
of control over her emotions and quietly said "Thank-you"

Mel could see into the cabin from where she was and saw the
bright fire in the fireplace, the tiny tree, the beginnings of decorations, the
gift under the tree.

"No nothing to thank me for. I should be thanking you
for this wonderful Christmas celebration. I should tell you though I think I forgot
your present."

"No its right here," Jay said as she held Mel a little
tighter. "All I want for Christmas is you here with me."

"I just wish it would snow," Mel whispered before
she realized it.

"Im sorry if I could give you anything then it would
be to make it snow," Jay answered.

The evening passed quietly as the two women finished decorating
the tree, at dinner and enjoyed the fire.

"So are you going to let me open my present tonight or
do I have to wait until morning?" Mel asked.

"Actually this is the 11th day gift of the
twelve days of Christmas so you can open it today and I seemed to have forgotten
your Christmas gift as well"

Mel took the box from Jay and carefully unwrapped it. Inside
was a shadow box with several items inside. She lifted the hinged glass lid and
peered at each item, a small bottle, some dried flowers, preserved leaves and
a tiny picture of the two of them. Each area that had something in it was marked
with a date and there were several areas left empty.

Jay was unsure of whether Mel liked the gift so she started
to explain it. "Its like a remembrance of this past year." She
picked up the tiny bottle. "Remember when we met last spring. I was changing
my tire in the pouring rain. I was soaking wet and you stopped and held that umbrella
over me. I looked up and there you were. I couldnt get you out of my mind.
When I got home I caught a little bottle of the rain hoping that I would catch
a little of your spirit in case you were an angel coming to my rescue. These flowers
are from the picnic we went on last June and these leaves are from our hike in
October and this picture is just one I like. I left some room for future memories
you can add, maybe one from this Christmas." Jay stopped talking and looked
up expectantly at Mel. When Mel said nothing Jay looked down and then feeling
uncomfortable started to walk around the room.

Mel looked at the contents, she remembered her mothers
words  in the spring rains, the summer flowers, the autumn leaves and then
she whispered, "all thats missing is the winter snow"

The two sat late into the night snuggled comfortably in front
of the fireplace. Jay held Mel gently in her arms staring out the window into
the dark and silent night  "please, please let it snow,"
she whispered in a quiet prayer. Bowing her head again she whispered "please".

Two miracles occurred that night, one at midnight and the other
shortly after. Jay woke from where the two had dozed off and looked out the window.
The moon was bright and Jay thought she saw snow delicately falling. Very gently
she disengaged herself from the sleeping woman and peeked outside. Snowflakes
were quietly drifting down through the trees.

"Mel," Jay whispered, "Mel wake up."

Mel opened her eyes and glanced around carefully, not sure
at first where she was. Then remembering she looked quickly for Jay. Seeing the
open door she got up and peeked out. It was beautiful snow was falling through
the trees and all around the cabin. Carefully she walked out into the snow, stretching
her arms out and twirling in the magic of snow at Christmas. Closing her eyes
she turned round and round feeling the flakes lightly touch her face with angel
kisses. She remembered her mothers words  "I will be with you
in the snow at Christmas and I will bring love to you." Opening her eyes
she caught Jays gaze and it was like a veil had been lifted and she saw
what had been before her the whole time. A love that her mother had sent to hold
her the rest of her days.

The recognition of her mothers gift was the second miracle
that night. The first was the snow, it came upon a midnight clear. If the
women could have seen the sky they would have seen bright sparkling stars, a full
moon and a host of family angels smiling as the Christmas gift they had sent was
received.