June 13, 2017

Last year my number one goal was to make a short film. I spent endless hours in my bedroom dumping ideas in my notebook and writing mediocre screenplays. My YouTube history was full of long interviews with directors like Wes Anderson, J.J. Abrams, and Steven Spielberg. I continued to be a perfectionist and wait until I settled on an idea that I liked enough. Finally, after school started up again I decided that I wanted to make an eerie Autumn film. Every day I would hide away on campus between classes and fill my notebook with blurbs of ideas and ballpoint pen sketches. By October, I had the screenplay. My friends (Dakota, Aspen, and Victoria) and my little brother spent a couple days filming with me. The entire film was shot within two blocks of my house. It took me much too long to finish editing the film, but at last I finished it. I made a short film!

Helvetica turned out much different than the ideas that I originally had in my mind for it. It frustrates me that I wasn't able to fully bring to life my vision, but I learned so much in the process and it was such a valuable experience. Looking back on my mistakes, I am filled with so much excitement to keeping creating and growing. Here is a list of things I will do differently next time (mostly for myself):

Get a team.

I tried to handle most of the technicalities on my own and it resulted in a lot of anxiety and overwhelmed me more than necessary. Next time I will look for people who know more about sound recording, camera stabilization, and directing groups of people than I do.

Let yourself make mistakes.

While writing the script, filming, and editing I was so afraid of making mistakes. I knew what mistakes I didn't want to make and had a very clear idea of what I wanted my film to turn out like. This isn't inherently bad, but I wish that I had calmed down a bit and let go of my perfectionism. Next time I will allow my mind to be more open and get creative with problems that I run into.

Focus on the story.

In Helvetica, I put a great deal of focus into the visuals and worked to make everything aesthetically appealing. This was so enjoyable and I won't focus any less on this aspect next time, but I will put more effort into the actual story. The visuals don't necessarily have to be second to the story, but their main purpose should be to serve as a medium to tell the story. I got sloppy with my screenplay and let there be plot inconsistencies and confusing/straight up way too bizarre ideas expressed.

Show, don't tell.

This is such an important concept and I want to always be striving to get better at practicing it.

In conclusion, making Helvetica was such a fun and exciting process. It felt amazing to finally have done something that I'd wanted to do for so long. And through my mistakes, I collected a handful of important lessons for next time.

This brilliant video has encouraged me greatly as I pursue my creative passions. I encourage you to give it a watch! "I am not the only person who is constantly disappointed about the gap between one's taste and one's skills."

Another film coming soon. A much better one. (Still not as good as I hope it will be, but getting nearer).

In the past year God has grown me in my faith so much. It's incredible to see how far he has brought me and all that I have learned. Even now I am continuing to learn and grow every day; I don't think I'll ever stop. I am in awe of the ways in which Jesus has revealed himself to me and I want to share some of what I've learned in hopes that it will encourage and empower someone. I don't write very often anymore, but I think that it's so important to record your encounters with God and look back on how he has shown his faithfulness in your life. So here is this.

Something that I struggled with in the past year and still am confused by at times is the idea of God's presence. Prior to this year, it always seemed to me that if you were a good Christian and were truly close to God, then you would "feel" his nearness. And yet, I only caught small glimpses of his presence and cried out in confusion when I couldn't feel him. I constantly prayed to him, asking why he wouldn't let me feel his presence more. It didn't make sense - if I loved him and was spending time pursuing him, why wouldn't he let me feel nearness? I always heard "seek, and you will find" (Matthew 7:7), but for all the seeking I was doing I didn't feel like I was finding anything aside from frustration. Everywhere I sought him - at church, in his word, through worship music - I was constantly receiving the idea that if I put my faith in him, he would draw me in to dwell in his presence. I remember praying again and again, "God, I believe. But help my unbelief". I heard that he seeks to open our eyes and make himself known to us. So I kept seeking him and striving to feel him and see him in my life. But I was missing something.

I continued to read my Bible and listen intently to sermons. I held on to every encouraging verse; every piece of wisdom that seemed like it would draw me nearer to him. All I longed for was his presence. I wanted nothing else but to know him and to feel him. In time, he began to teach me that this was just the problem - feeling. I was seeking feeling but I wasn't seeking faith. I wanted to understand his heart and to feel a deep connection to my Savior. But during a sermon at my church on Exodus and God's promises and presence, he suddenly opened my eyes and I understood why I wasn't feeling him. My pastor spoke the words that I'd been needing to hear for a long time: "God never promised that we would feel his nearness, only that he would remain near always. This is faith. Hold on."

For the first time I began to understand what faith truly meant. Up until that point I just regarded it as another typical word that you'll find on a cute plaque in every Christian family's home. But I was missing the point. Faith outside of feeling is what we are called to. Faith is trusting, not understanding. It's hoping, not feeling. Looking back on my time striving to feel God for so long, I began to realize that he was always right there. When I was crying out to him in confusion, longing to know him, he was holding me in his arms saying "I am here. I am right with you." He'd never been far from me. Any distance was only imagined by me. When I turned to him and placed all my trust in him, he had already been there waiting. He guided every step of my journey and was faithful to teach me his heart. Now I can confidently say that I have a living hope and a savior named Jesus who gives me strength and never leaves my side. I may drift away and stray from the path, but he remains steadfast always. When I do feel near to him, he is there. And when I do not, he is still there. My feelings will lie to me but my Jesus will remain near even when I can't see him. God always wants to be near his children, and so he is. When I am lost, he is running towards me with arms outstretched, calling my name. He wants to be near to me even more than I want to be near to him.

This is not easy. I still get frustrated when I don't feel his presence and can't understand why my feelings are so inconstant. He takes me up on the mountains, then right back down into the valleys. All I know is that he is a Good Shepherd and I can put all my trust in him to carry me.

The other night, after singing worship for over an hour in a living room with people who love Jesus more than anything, I couldn't feel him at all. But I wanted to so deeply. So I prayed. I sat in the dark, pouring out my soul to him.

"Jesus, why do you play hide and seek with me? I just want to be near you."

April 4, 2017

Woah! It's been a little while. I hope you're all doing well! I've been trying to make a point to create more lately. I've shared some new videos on my youtube (like my short film and a long overdue q&a) and have been shooting lots for my instagram! It feels so good to make art and it inspires me to keep creating and growing.

ALSO. Those blossoms. Seriously. This time of year is ridiculously beautiful and I'm kind of in love. It's an incredible reminder to me that Jesus is constantly making all things new and bringing beauty in places that used to be dead and broken. Wow.