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Monday, July 1, 2013

I find myself feeling guilty quite often these days. It seems that struggling for years with IF, then crossing over, has left me with this.

For example, some days are hard-especially the first 3 months. I would find myself so completely overwhelmed with: cluelessness, fear of the unknown, exhaustion, thoughts of losing my independence, body image issues, etc...

And every time I would feel these things, I would immediately feel this tremendous amount of guilt. Guilt because I knew there were still so many begging God to be exactly where I was. Guilt because I remembered just how many tears I cried begging to be where I was.

After 3 months, things started to get a bit "easier" and I started feeling more confident in my ability of being a mama. However, there are still days (like today for example) that are so very hard and tiring. And I find that that guilt creeps back in. So on top of feeling overwhelmed by a not so great day, I have this guilt weighing on my chest. It wasn't until recently though, that I realized I need to let go of that guilt and simply admit that things are going to be hard at times.

I sure wish it was that easy, to simply let go, but I think realizing that I need to let go is the first step in moving forward.

I love being her mama more than I could ever explain with mere words. Most days I feel like my heart could burst with joy and love for her. But then, those not so great days creep in and that guilt builds up and I feel so very overwhelmed. Something I've decided to do, when that guilt creeps in, is that I'm going to offer up my hard day, my lack of sleep, etc...for anyone out there who is feeling hopeless...for those who aren't sure of where God is leading them...for all those who are still waiting.

Offering it up for others. That's what I will do because hanging on to guilt over something I have no control over is not going to help anyone. But offering up prayers for others will hopefully make a difference in someone's life.

17
comments:

I think that IF can really mess us up emotionally whether we cross over or not. There are times I have guilt for enjoying the fact that we don't have children right now, though we wish we could. Hang in there and I think it is a great idea to offer up your hard times!

I think it's fair to say that those who long for a good thing... a certain vocation or a child are at the top of the list, I think... aren't necessarily longing for a fantasy (although some "outsiders" may condescendingly like to point out that the desires of your heart aren't "all roses"). Most who suffer from IF are not clueless to the hardships but are longing for the real thing... and the real thing ALWAYS includes hardship and suffering. Of course no human being ever really wants that part, but it's not like those who are asked to wait are somehow supposed to then be held to some impossible standard to enjoy every second once their longings come true... it's just hard to remember that after so much waiting that we have permission to live out our vocations like "normal" people :)! And the guilt creeps in.

I feel the same way. I had no idea how HARD motherhood was going to be. Nobody tells you how hard it is to go with no sleep and not be able to walk out of the room for 5 seconds. I, too, feel like my heart could burst; I love this little guy so much. But, man, is it hard work being a mom. In the hardest times, I have referred to my baby as a dictator, lol. I feel guilty, too, for feeling this way given that I cried, pleaded, and begged for 5 years for this, and there are so many people who are still waiting for their babies. Hopefully, they can pray for us, and we can pray for them, and Mother Mary is praying for us all! I know my prayer every day is "please help me be a mother like Mary; help me to have her loving patience and understanding; help me to do what she would do"

I too have felt that guilt. It is hard to grasp. I felt the same guilt if I would complain about the pregnancy because I knew so many who deserved to be where I was. Being a parent is the hardest job ever but it is also the most rewarding. It is just something I sometimes have to remind myself of.

I remember that feeling of guilt the first few months when mothering my little miracle baby I waited 5 years for was sometimes so difficult. When I let go of the guilt, it really did help. Motherhood is beautiful but so difficult at times, especially in the beginning. I think it is a wonderful idea to offer your hard times up.

I'm still on the IF side of things, but I sometimes feel a similar guilt for complaining about my husband - this or that little thing he does to annoy me - when I have several very dear friends who long to be married. But then again, marriage is hard sometimes! And I have no doubt parenting is too, even though I haven't experienced it yet. And I agree with Kat: sometimes I feel guilty for all the things we can do (travel, sleep in late, etc) that our friends with kids can't. Guilt is everywhere, it seems! And it's so smothering. Suffocating. Like it doesn't give you the freedom to say, "This is hard." or "This is great" full stop. All that is to say, I'll pray your guilt lessens and you can just be yourself, wife, mother, woman, etc. in the good and bad moments =)

When I remember to (sometimes it is hard for me to remember), I also offer up my day/frustrations/etc for those suffering (I mention IF gals specifically, so hopefully they get the most out of it, LOL).You are totally right on the being overwhelmed early on. I felt the exact same way.

I love what Ecce Fiat said about not having the freedom to say " "This is hard." or "This is great." Full stop."

I've told you this before, but I love your joy in parenting your sweet Faith, since the moment you announced your pregnancy, I've loved your joy. It reminds me why this still hurts so bad, and in a sense gives me permission to feel this pain. I am missing something amazing and wonderful, and also the hardest thing I will ever do in my life should I get to do it. Please share the hard times, it lets us know how we can pray for you as you so beautifully pray for us!

I feel the guilt too, sometimes. You are not alone! Motherhood is one of the greatest joys I've known, but it is HARD! In those moments, I remember how hard it was to wait and offer up prayers for those waiting. Thanks for the reminder to continue to do so!

What I wish someone had told me about motherhood--you will never feel like you've got it down. As soon as you do, something new creeps up. I had to learn how to be ok with never feeling like I had mastered it. Because really, nobody ever truly masters it. You just learn how to be easy on yourself when you've done the best you can do. Does that make sense? And yes, I get this guilt. I still struggle with it sometimes. It is its own animal, and it takes time to figure out how to process it.

Kat-I remember having the exact same feelings also! And I agree IF definitely messes with ones emotions...ugh! Isn't it enough to deal with the fact that our bodies are wonky but to add on emotional stuff also...it's a wonder we ever survive!

Rebecca-I don't think you understand how it feels to be told to go ahead and share...good times and bad...because that dern guilt was def something that had me holding back! You should know that I think of you often and am offering up many a hard times, prayers, etc for you and your hubby!

Hebrews:Yes! I joke that someways I feel like a rock star so in control and then others day I look around and think I have no clue!!! I hear it doesn't quite go away either...-always a learning process!

Thanks ladies for your comments-it's so reassuring to be reminded (yet again!!!) that we are not alone in this journey of life...and whether we share a common bond of being sisters in Christ, IFers, former IFers, mamas, etc...the realization that we aren't alone gives us so much strength and courage especially during the difficult times!

About me:

I am a Catholic woman who is madly in love with her husband (5 years), struggling with PCOS and beyond thrilled and (still) shocked that on 6/2/12 we received our first ever BFP...just a week before our 5 year anniversary!!!.