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There is one thing on Earth that is capable of ending wars, making political parties agree, freeing you from the captivity of a Colombian drug lord, ending a sexual slump, and purchasing obscene amounts of liquor: cash. People love it, and for obvious reasons.

What a guy. He is a man of the people. He knows how to win them over, and he’s not holding anything back. Cash is also a fantastic way to help people forget about unsavory events in the past–events that may include driving drunk with a car full of narcotics.

I expect every bill given away will be written off as a “charitable donation,” which, by definition, is exactly what he did.