Remembering Y&R's Jeanne Cooper

Hi, Everyone. Corbin posted this a few hours ago. It has been a while, and I was very glad to see this. Hope you will enjoy reading his latest post.

"Corbin Bernsen And so he returns!

Fear. A horrible thing that tends to grab us by the throat and squeeze until one by one, the beats of our heart slow and finally die.

I have, ever since childhood had an unaccountable and rather over-proportioned fear of death. I have no idea why, where or exactly when it began. Perhaps a dog that I loved moved on. But I would lie in bed, in the dark and think..."I'm going to die one die, I will die!" My heart would race, my throat would thicken and my body would shiver at the thought. Then, slowly, by God's grace and perhaps design, it would subside, slow and, for a while go away as suddenly and mysteriously as it began. And that has continued, with less frequency and scale, thank God, to this day.

When my father died about five years ago I was smacked by the reality of my lifelong fear. I stared it directly in the face for the first time. I had other brushes with it over the years, friends passing, Grandpa, the rest, but this was personal, very personal. It was in my "Circle of Life" and included me, making it very clear the on deck circle was nearer. That thrust me into a journey that has been nothing less than extraordinary and magnificent... and at times, frightening. Very frightening. It called on me to face that fear of death, study it, piece it together with the rest of the puzzle that is this thing we call life. The curious mind that I have, I jumped right in and of course studying my faith, my beliefs,my morals, and ultimately my connection to my fellow man is what emerged. And to some degree I have, over these five years come to an understanding, shallow as it may be, of my fear of death, amongst others. I wouldn't say that discovery of my faith, in particular though the films I've made recently, was the only factor in calming me, but it surely played and continues to play a significant role in paving a new road to deal with all things, including those fears, and yes, Captain Death.

Then, about two months ago, perhaps the hardest piece of reality of our life smacked me in the face.... my mother's passing, and that "Circle of Life" got not only clearer, but significantly smaller, tighter. The "On Deck Circle" suddenly had my initials in it. "Come on down Corbin Dean Bernsen!" (Give me some writers credit here, that was no less than 3 metaphors in the same sentence!)

But there I was and here I am. Fear, knocked at my door once again... hard... harder than ever. The throat tightened. So I began exploring once again, to deal, to cope. I woke up almost every morning and wrote here to you, my friends, to reach out. And if I missed the morning, then at night, but almost daily. And the writing calmed me. And while it didn't put me back "outside the circle,"or off the "on deck circle," I did realize that I am with you, all of you. We are all "On Deck," and I'm no greater or less, no closer or further, no confused or calmer than the rest of you. As my mother would say,we are one. I am not alone. And I would, for a moment, at least be able to manage my fear and almost close the door on it. "ALMOST."

One of the last comments on one of my last posts before I "shut down" several weeks ago, someone, whom many of you berated for not allowing me to grieve, (and I personally was upset with) said "Get over it already and get some help Corbin." That hit me hard. You could even say it "slapped me in the face." But you can't take all the good without at least considering what appears to be "bad." And I do and have always READ YOUR COMMENTS, most all of them, and allowed them to shape me, comfort me, inspire me. And soI did with this "negative" comment as well.

But I've never been one that has had any kind of success, at least so far with reaching out to a "professional" for problems of the mind. I would, funny enough, go to my mom if I really needed to let it all out. And at other times, to my wife, or even closer friends. But always someone who had at least some general, real connection to me. The "paid stranger and the couch" never seemed to work the couple of times I tried. Nothing against it, but just not me. I've had more success with an unpaid stranger on a park bench or sitting next to me on an airplane. I've never been afraid to share my feelings, fears and the rest with strangers, sometimes to a fault.

"Get some help, Corbin...." That stuck with me. Then, and this wasn't planned but instead inspired by some reading I'd done lately, not to mention what was right there in my heart, and of course a gentle whisper in my ear from God out there at the center of the mystery... but I reflected and said to myself... be quiet. Stop the noise, stop the writing, stop the activity and simply be. "Experience," again my mom's words. So I shut down the factory and simply began to listen and let who and whatever was at my doorstep have a voice. Certainly God was there, but coyly quiet, smiling, not giving me too much as to not have yet another reason to be silent. And yes, my old foe, fear, Death. "My mother was dead and I'm next!" Sh!t! There it is again. And not a 70 or 80 year vision into the future from my childhood bed.

So, Facebook asks in their little box "what have you been up to?" Well that's it, facing my fear, all my fears. Quietly, terrified and sometimes tranquil. Life is both. That's the straight up on that.

Yesterday I played Father Todd once again on The Young and Restless... want to talk bizarre? So there I am, as Father Todd doing the very public memorial for Katherine Chancellor. Yes, I'm putting to rest this fictional character of forty years, but doing so as a fictional character myself, in a fictional town with fictional family and friends. And here's the capper... Katherine Chancellors' photos - a woman who looks strikingly like my mom - are all over the place! But that's not it... as others come to the podium and recall their times with this woman who has been a pillar of their community, they are allowed to grieve, cry, let the emotions flow. But I, Father Todd, have no real relationship to this woman in this fictional world so for me to cry, to have emotion would not be "appropriate" to the scenes. Add to that, I'm supposed to be THEIR STRENGTH! But cut to the real world... and that's my mom! Wow. Twilight Zone, bad acid, you name it... just a strange brew indeed!

All that said, I came away "lighter" in spirit. Some of my "darkness" of recent relieved. And while the fear is still there, and most likely will always be, for the moment, I'm okay with it... and not by shutting it out, closing the door on it, but looking it in the eye and saying "I know you're there, but I'm also here and today, you cant have me. Try to bite, try to sting... take your best shot. You've come out of the darkness, into my light, I can see you plainly, I see you for what your are and today you can't have my throat to strangle, my heart, my life. Those are mine today. But please, stay here with me, don't leave, we can dance from time to time, I'll allow you that, but only that."

My mother has been speaking to me lately, but only when I'm quiet and get out of the way. I can't force her to show up but know that she, like God, only does so when they are ready, in their own time, and I'm still enough to listen. For theirs is a strong but at the same time faint voice that needs the noise silenced to be heard.

And so Facebook, 'That's what I've been up to.'"

#142
2013/07/18 03:46PM

Re: Remembering Y&R's Jeanne Cooper

habbyfan

So nice Corbin feels he is able to be publicly vocal ...

I know as, I think you do Pink, not everyone can vocalize ... even though we all have to deal with loss,fears etc.

I do think it is healthier if you can * put it out there *

Sometimes when this show Y&R is getting on my last nerve ...

I think if Katherine was here she could put it right ...

#143
2013/08/11 01:22PM

Re: Remembering Y&R's Jeanne Cooper

Deana4Villy

Has there been anymore from Corbin, Hot Pink? I lost site of this thread, so I went looking for it. I really enjoy Corbin's commentary, but I'm not on Facebook.

#144
2013/08/23 08:56PM

Re: Remembering Y&R's Jeanne Cooper

HOT PINK

Finally! Another post from Corbin! (Deana4Villy, Sorry I didn't respond to your post until now. I've been waiting for Corbin to post another message, and here it is:)

"Building up steam to start again. The time off has been exceptional. Something about remaining quiet, listening to the world, your heart. I was taking a run today and it feels like time, the right time, to reconnect. A new day, a new me, renewed, excited for things to come. Odd, as today is the last day filming of Psych. Been 8 years of my life. That's a solid chapter! Lost both my parents during that time. Grew up, if that's possible in your fifties. Haven't completely set aside "childish things," but better understand what is important to me, to my life, what I value, where I want to put my energy. I want nothing short of magnificence, doing something magnificent, be it large or small. It has to be honest and true. I have ideas on it, thoughts, but still listening, opening my sails to the winds of heaven and earth, heart and soul to determine the direction.

Much of it will be in the work I do from now on, writing, directing, acting... and maybe even some teaching. Teachers are some of the most noble people I know. We need great teachers. Our youth, our young minds are our hope, our future. With Psych over, the field is, once again, wide open. One door closes and another opens, so trite, but true. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, also trite, but true. I feel hungry again. I like that.

I hope you'll be a part of my work going forward, so much of it inspired by my mom as said many, many times before. it's in her name that I surge ahead. It's in her name I let the hunger be there, fuel me. She was hungry for truth until the day she died. She hungered... I admired that about her. And yes, she was, to her final breath, "Restless," beautifully, powerfully restless.

Couple of things... next week Sept 3 and 4th see something truly strange.. I play Father Todd, a priest on Y & R presiding over Katherine Chancellor's memorial! Strange! Yes, magnificently strange! I had to be the strong one. Yet posters of "my mom" filled the stage. All the others (in character) allowed emotion, but I had to hold it together. My mother looked down and smiled, enjoying my strange predicament I'm sure. But she was happy it was done that way, I know that to be true, a fact. It was there, we all felt it. So check it out, let me know what you think.

Also, for Canadian friends, my "snowglobe" collection is featured on a new show called Extreme Collections on Sept 2. Check it out.

September 7, my birthday. 59. Looking foward to it, huge year, set in motion so many things I want to accomplish. Again, hungry, ready, setting sail for magnificent!

Also, sliding in an episode of Hawaii 5-0. Why not. The original remains one of my all time favorite shows. I'm looking forward to it. Hawaii, work with great actors, see where the wind takes me on that one.

Let's close it out - I was thinking about saying I'm considering a run for the presidency (only half kidding - would love that actually - think I could bring some reality to the situation - focus on Main Street, turn our great country around - it can be done) but for the moment, keep it simple. Home Theater Films is rolling ahead, doing that great work in a different way, bringing illumination to our lives, the dark that seems to keep dragging us down. We can change all of that. Presidency? Sure why not, maybe down the road - seriously - but for now, do it how I know best - touch people's lives through stories.

Check it out - here's what we're up to bit.ly/HTFNewsletterAugust2013

Okay, how's that for an ole Corbin rant? Back on my feet, feels good. Let's get this party started and together, hand in hand, make a difference.

CB"

Modified 2 times(s), last time at:
2013/08/23 09:02PM

#145
2013/08/26 11:22AM

Re: Remembering Y&R's Jeanne Cooper

HOT PINK

Hi, Everyone. Hope you all had a very nice weekend. Corbin posted this yesterday:

"I'm going to start standing up for myself and comment back on various comments... Michelle Fox is absolutely right, you have to move from my words here on FB and take action. Talk is good, but only goes so far. To all, please understand I do get in the trenches, I don't boast about it here, I don't like to toot my own horn... just go out and do it. To be clear however I have worked closely with the Rape Treatment Center here in Los Angeles for almost 25 years bring top services to victims of rape. I have worked tirelessly for the last 4 years with the All American Soap Box Derby making sure we keep this incredible American Tradition alive - it is EVERYTHING I'm talking about regarding our youth and Main Street. I'm going to be continuing the work of my mother with the Springboard Foundation in Texas for people with problems of addiction... so yes, I do roll up the sleeves and move beyond talk and URGE each of you to do the same. Large or small, it doesn't matter, it's the effort involved and commitment to a better world. So how about this, today, this Sunday where we pray and reflect, think of something you can do tomorrow, anything that moves you from "what you believe should be," into making it happen. It can be as simple as a smile to a stranger who looks like they need a bit of human comfort.

Let me hear back tomorrow what you have done. Today, for me, it's all about family. Been away for months on end working, today I want my family. Even that counts!"

#146
2013/08/27 01:27PM

Re: Remembering Y&R's Jeanne Cooper

HOT PINK

Happy Tuesday, Everyone. Corbin posted this about 15 hours ago:

"Helped in small ways today, nothing big, but just random acts of kindness. Funny, it puts some people off, they just can't figure how, out of the blue, somebody does something nice - even something as insignificant as letting them go ahead of you in a line.

I was thinking however about a "space" I feel is still unoccupied in my life. I thought it through today; I'm blessed, truly blessed with family, friends, work and to some extent finances - though - and here's some reality, some naked truth - like so many, there's always another bill to pay and never quite enough - translated, my mind can't give it a break - and like so many it's always there, the concern.

That said, I have been blessed for what I do have and focus on that. I am more than blessed. But there is that space for something... something I can do, something that is magnificent - my favorite word - something that has impact and changes lives. I question whether this is ego or a true calling but I do want to do some grand thing in my life that makes lives better for all. And I know it doesn't have to be huge, It doesn't have to be a movie or a TV series, it could be small, very small and so I count nothing out. Maybe I help a kid through college who has no other way to do it. And he or she changes our world. I don't know, again, nothing counted out.

Something Magnificent. That's what I want to do, that is the whisper in the wind. That is what my heart is telling me to do... find it... and do it.

If nothing else this gives excitement to the day... (Pause)

Just had a thought as I was typing, maybe it's simply reaching out to all of you, sharing truth here. Maybe one of your lives will change for the better by the support of the community we are creating here together, our family who enjoy this time together. Maybe I'll never know the magnificent thing, maybe it will simply happen. I will take that too. Let's change lives, let's commit to that. It's great to be back."

Modified 1 times(s), last time at:
2013/08/27 01:30PM

#147
2013/09/07 07:58PM

Re: Remembering Y&R's Jeanne Cooper

HOT PINK

Hi, Everyone. Corbin posted this about 25 minutes ago. Today is his birthday, and the first one he has celebrated without his beloved mom.

"Mixed emotions on this birthday, or rather a handful of different ones. On one hand, as many of you said would happen, missing mom (first birthday without her) She would always, first thing in the morning - in a sweet voice most never heard, sing "Happy Birthday" start to finish before saying a word. What many don't know is the joy she had in being a mother. I know you know she was proud, but she really enjoyed being a mom, so birthdays, for as long as I can remember were always a celebration for us - her kids but also included, at their core,. And could she throw some birthday parties! For many years from about 5 until 10 or so she would throw a party at our favorite Chinese Restaurant called Ah Fongs which was owned by a fantastic Chinese Character Actor Benson Fong. She would rent a room they had there and invite, by Western Union - all of my classmates - but it was FORMAL. Yes, tuxedos and gowns! My friends always loved it and looked forward to it as it would also work out to be the "end of the summer" party before we headed back to school - back when school actually started in September. She carried on the tradition for my brother so we had quite a few years of it. Then of course there was my 21st birthday that was, lets just say, a true reflection of the times - and simply crazy! Yes, miss my mom today, terribly and it's one of the emotions I'm playing with. The other, almost on opposite ends of the spectrum is my eternal gratitude for my family, my friends. I have a blessed life. I get to do a job I love. I have a family - 25 years with a woman I adore, and four incredible sons - I have a family that I would have never imagined possible. And then there is all of you. You've had my back through so much this year. I hope you know by now how much I value it - all of you - even those who disagree with me at times. I respect ALL of you. I simply can not have the success I do in my work if not for you. You have been kind and generous. I am so thankful for that. And then one last emotion plays on me, and that is "looking ahead." I've said it before and at times the future, it's unknown, creates a sense of fear. I have faith in the future and I know God is always there, with me, guiding me, but still... I have dark moments that are somewhat propelled by a world gone mad. So yes, while I have great faith in the future and know in my heart that ultimately good will always win, the creative element of my being demands to taste the fear. But mostly there is LOVE today, love in my heart for all that I've been blessed with. So for now, I'll just focus on that. Thanks you all so much and I look forward to the year ahead, for all of us... Wait.. that's 60! Okay fear, shut up and let me just enjoy today! corbin"

#148
2013/09/10 06:59AM

Re: Remembering Y&R's Jeanne Cooper

HOT PINK

Happy Tuesday, Everyone. Hope you are all having a good day so far. Corbin posted this yesterday:

"New week, blank slate. Something like facing this very page that asks me "what's on my mind?" First and foremost I have to once again say thanks to all of you and your kind birthday wishes. A special thanks to those who sang "Happy Birthday" all the way through (as my mom used to do)

I had a wonderful weekend doing nothing really, other than putting that list together for the upcoming week and days ahead. Funny thing about being an actor (or writer/director) is that unless something is offered and on the table, what you make of your days, the blank slate, is up to you.

For me, after some reflection this weekend, one thing resonates, something I've discussed here before... I still feel there is something magnificent out there for me. Something that "updates" but doesn't necessarily replace "best known for LA LAW and Major League." Something that also updates the magnificence of my family, and personal life I've carved out. I still want to do something that has long lasting effect on how we live or relate to one another as human beings... or at least that's how it strikes me at the moment. And maybe it's begun, who knows, maybe it's right here, encouraging and motivating one of you to something great and that's the only role I have in it. We just don't know. What we DO KNOW is that it is up to each of us, it's up to me to take each day as a gift and challenge myself to make the most of it, being human, making a difference. Sometimes we fall short, sometimes we create controversy (you know that!) but unless we listen to our hearts and put our feet to the ground, nothing will happen, nothing will change.

If I can vision my reach for magnificence it will come through storytelling, perhaps making a film that truly affects people. I've tried with four films now and one coming out soon; "Beyond the Heavens," but I feel I've only touched the tip of the iceberg. In the end, maybe it's a culmination of all things, or something different altogether - I wouldn't mind going back to the theater, perhaps even touring with a piece that not only touches people but allows me to interact directly, in person, face to face. The reach isn't that far, but the direct contact, at least for me, is energizing... not unlike what we do here in words, real words, words that challenge one another, ones that express love and support. No, not in person, but in honest words. Works for me.

SIDENOTE: weird. So as I read through the volumes of well wishes from yesterday (and other days) I notice that only a handful, and I do mean "handful" of men comment or join in on our conversation. Perhaps I don't talk about cars enough, sports, hunting or fishing....though those are things I love to do - save for the hunting (not much hunting going on growing up in Beverly Hills) I'd like to think talking about love, family, and humanity aren't only issues for women (and me) though there's nothing wrong with me and bunch of women hanging out. (My wife knows about this "communication going on here" so don't worry, no secrets here on the home front.) I suppose many of you have filtered my way through my mom and Young and Restless - which brings a mostly female audience. Understand, I'm fine with all this, but just curious where the men are. I hope that, if not here, at least these conversations are going in your home and with your families. I believe the things we discuss, not my stories necessarily, but their "intent" are important. We are at a crossroads in our lives as Americans and citizens of a rapidly changing world, not to mention the human race. It's how we each face the blank slate of today that will surely create tomorrow - and at a speed that is staggering. In short, time is not only of the essence, but a reality of how quickly the momentum can change. You need not look too much deeper than the great issue of Syria last week, our conversations here, and where Washington has stepped back - to reflect - thank God, before heading off to war. Look at the news today, the general consensus of 8 out of 10 Americans are unsure about going to war now. Like so many of you, when I first heard about the atrocity, my reaction was to strike back, now, hard, send a message... but then I reflected. (took some heat for it, but that's okay.) The message here, things changed rapidly, huge things, in the course of one week.

So there it is, the blank slate. I've got my list, I've got my dreams, I've got my vision and I've got my goals. Time to put down the pen (or rest the fingers!) and begin.

To the men out there... how about the ending of that Giants / Dallas game? So easy how the momentum can shift, with only minutes left with one unfortunate, and I do mean unfortunate interception. I thought the Giants had it! And then there's Breaking Bad... somebody dies, but who is it? I'd like to call my buddy Bryan and find out, but I know he'll be of no help. Personally I'd like to think Hank goes, good storytelling, but then who's left to push buttons?

Enjoy the day and your blank slate. Make a difference! Do something magnificent. CB"