I'm just a girl…in the world

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But like, why is it so hard to write about stuff we love?

It’s obvious (or maybe not) that I started writing this blog as a dear diary that was less about a diary and more about an “over share I don’t care” (but, I do, do really care and I’m nervous about what you think and I am still going to do it anyway #vulnerabilitybedamned)

It must be so hard to be a supportive Hubs. Like, honestly. I was thinking of all the stuff that we do together: Drink Wine, bike, ski/snowboard – now we have toned down because I can’t DO all of those things. I can’t DO a late dinner because if you keep me up past 9:30 my Tanty would rival that of a Terrible Two.

However there are so many cool things we are doing together right now like growing a baby, building a house and a family! It’s more exciting than I ever thought it would be!

I’m feeling scared about the whole parenting thing. Like obvi things are not going to be perfect, but hopefully my children will not be assholes. You know? I’m also worried about other children’s parents. Thus far, I have met cool moms and parents that are like how Bear and I would like to be. But I know the parent sharks are out there, I have read about them, I’ve read their mean posts on the Bump Message Boards and I’m terrified of them.

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Here is another thing. We are trying to sell our Condo, our beautiful condo, right at about the time that everyone else is. Yay recession!!! So like, it’s only been a month but I am freaking the fuck out. The rental market also sucks. I know that we are lucky, luckier than most. We can do the two mortgage thing – but – I just don’t know if I’m up to it! I’m facing a Mat Leave Pay Cut! Two Mortgages potentially? A sweet baby! I want to focus on the sweet darling baby we are about to have. I don’t want to worry about money. I know we will have shelter, I know we will be able to have food. I’m really worried about the stress. The stress! THE STRESS!!! So send me some good vibes peeps! Someone will buy our sweet beautiful condo! Everything will work out! Right! Right? My husband predicts that we will have two offers on the condo, I’ll go into early labour and our house possession will be pushed back a month!

I feel obnoxiously cute right now. I have ALL of the energy I had pre-pregnancy – aside from still needing to go to bed by 9 PM! I can feel Sticky moving around in there! I love it so much!!! Aside from the swollen ankles – but it justified another pair of birkenstocks – much to my husbands horror (heh heh heh – YOU try having your gorgeous narrow delicate feet (with alien toes, but we can’t be perfect) taken over by puffy fat-person feet an cankles? I get what I want).

Like, it’s supposed to be back in full swing. So I went out and “got sugared” yesterday in a vain attempt at feeling sexy. HOLY SHIT. That was pain like none other. My Sugaring Tech? I don’t know what they are called, but she was like trying to chat with me and I’m like HELLO? You are RIPPING my VAGINA APART and I’m sweating like a whore in church. Can we not do this? Anyway – allegedly the swelling should go down, but I was fully traumatized yesterday. Today – the trauma still lingers, but I should hopefully be good to go by the end of the day. My poor sweet husband is like “I’m just waiting for you to get your mojo back” — I’m like: FUCK — Come back! I just feel a little weird that I’m like er, no. But I can’t like just NOT, that’s like begging my husband to shag the secretary – he doesn’t have one, but you know what I mean. Especially with Stampede coming up I better get my mojo in order. It’s hard without the old dutch courage, but we’ll see… WE WILL SEE. I’d rather not have my baby’s sibling be the product of another vagina. I’m making my hubs out to be a cheater – which he’s not – but hey, I have lots of time to vivid dream, so that’s where it’s going.

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So, like, I just don’t feel prepared. There are like SO many things to learn. Obviously – I want the best – the best books to read – all of the latest tips – I just don’t want to fuck up my kid right? I also want to be perfect and free from criticism. So far, I do not think this is possible.

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So – I’m totally stressed out about parents. Like grandparents. Like – I don’t want to ever assume that they will babysit – that’s not fair to them – I also don’t want them to feel like they are being shut out – I don’t want to build up resentment by not keeping the lines of communication open – but like how do you bring it up?

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So, like – I thought with T2 the bitchiness and the energy would subside. No such luck. It’s still here and my bedtime is still 9 – so – there you have it.

Bear and I have chilled out (a bit) (that’s a lie) (that is what we are telling ourselves) about the news. We are looking at the stats and hearing about other peoples horror stories turned OK healthy babies and really trying to believe that Sticky will be ok.

Hopefully the news will come next week. If it’s bad, I’ll have a breakdown and let you know how that goes. If it’s good, I’ll be totally excited and then move onto worrying about the next ultrasound. This is my life now. Which I think is pretty normal.

YAY! This was the Social Media post that we were going to send out once we saw our baby’s heartbeat and the stressful nightmare of the first trimester was over.

You probably noticed the past tense there.

We met “Sticky” (our appropriate nickname for our new baby – encouraging he or she to make it through the First Trimester) yesterday! We were overjoyed! He was jumping around like a jelly bean, just so cute! He had a perfect heartbeat! We love him so much!

Here he is! We think he’s a boy, but let’s be clear, we are not finding out for sure.

THEN! As I’m an old broad at 33 – we received the results of our Down syndrome Scan:

And we found out that for the Down syndrome Tri – something or whatever 21 – we scanned positive for further testing. Because our perfect little Sticky, has not quite developed his nose bone and I’m old!

Now, so you have the facts: They will not offer you extra scans if your odds of Down syndrome based on the evidence in the ultrasound + blood work = 1:300 odds of DS. Our odds are 1:277. So 99.6% Chance the baby is OK.

0.4 % CHANCE OF DOWN SYNDROME

Which is obviously the ONLY number we, as worried parents are focusing on.

We decided on doing a NEW test on the scene – the NIPT test. Its another screening test, so it doesn’t tell us for sure what is up – and it’s like $500 – but when you’re a parent, you understand. It claims to be about 99% accurate. So far what I’ve read ney-saying the NIPT test – isn’t supported by as much research. There is always a chance for a false positive. Which would suck either way – like if we’re like PHEW worry over and then find out at 18 weeks that we should have still been wasting away to nothing, bellies swelling with all of the cortisol we were stock piling due stress. Anyway – We are doing this test which basically says “yes” you are high risk or “no” you are not. From there we’ll decide on Amniocentesis or CVS.

Those are your facts.

I need to talk about my feelings here. So if you’re a science person, and you’re not really interested, you can check out here.

FEELINGS

Fear

I am scared for my baby. My sweet sweet innocent little baby.

I’m scared for what it means if we get a negative result.

I’m scared of what people will think if we choose to terminate the pregnancy if our risk of Down Syndrome is too high.

I’m scared that if we do not terminate the pregnancy I will not be able to handle the demands that a child and adult with Down Syndrome have.

I’m scared about getting pregnant again. I’m scared about going through the First Trimester again.

I’m scared of the toll it will take on my sweet husband.

Love

I feel so much love for my husband right now. We are each other’s rock and throughout this whole thing we have been there for each other. Understanding, Respect, Pride, Love, Protection. We know we have a partner in this. We have each other. It doesn’t make anything any easier, but it does – when you have someone that is right there with you experiencing everything with you as one – as a team.

I feel so much love for my Parents. Dad sent me the sweetest text message reminiscing about the time that he first met me on Ultrasound. He pointed out that we are blessed (yes it’s annoying when he uses blessed, but that’s just Dad, so…) to have technology, even when it isn’t all we want to hear. Suzanne has offered nothing but love and support and understanding. Like with my husband, I feel like we are not alone. We have support. We have people that will support us no matter what happens, no matter what decision we make. This love helps to take the edge of fear.

Technology – I love technology so much right now. I know that there are many criticisms of the move from face-to-face interactions to phone-to-phone. I understand that argument. However, in this circumstances, technology has allowed me to share my news, to reach out for comfort and support from friends and family near and far. To know that they are just a text message away. To know that just because their love is sent through ❤ instead of a real life hug, it’s still the same meaning. That is meaningful.

Friends. I feel so much love for my friends. For my “Mom” friends that have been through this before. I was nervous to send out notes asking for help, thinking, what if they judge me? What if they’re turned off by my baby that might not be perfect? (Ok, like crazy, right? – but you know?) All I received in return was love, support, kindness, understanding. What does that tell you? We are so blessed (thanks Dad) for the people that we have in our lives. This doesn’t make our decisions we have to make go away, but it does make us feel safe in our lives filled with people that love us that we do not have to go this alone. We do not have to hole up in our homes and wait with anxiety for the results.

Coping

Meditation has really been my savour in this. Don’t get me wrong, I cried hysterically, like Claire Danes on Homeland:

The SECOND we hit the elevator. Last night I felt like a zombie and medicated with Ice Cream. (I’m lactose, it was actually coconut milk gluten free cookie dough ice cream). Husband and I watched a bad movie until we were so tired we KNEW we couldn’t fight sleep if we tried.

I woke up and meditated. Today’s meditation was based on patience. Which is amazingly on point for what we need right now. These things take time. Patience seems unfair. Like jail for happiness. I have to WAIT to be HAPPY for my BABY. ALL I CAN DO IS WORRY UNTIL I HAVE THE RESULTS!

Meditation also focuses on the NOW. What is happening NOW. What can you do NOW. What are you feeling NOW. How can you cope NOW. What are you thinking NOW. This is essential as without meditation, I would be thinking about THEN THE BIG SCARY FUTURE FILLED WITH DOOM! By being able to focus on TODAY, I was able to function at WORK and tell our news without HYSTERICS. We were able to make the decision on the NIPT Test. I was able to avoid google-ing everything about Down Syndrome and the NIPT test online today and actually be productive at work. I was able to feel like ME. Me. In THIS SITUATION. NOW.

Second Coping: Cooking. I’ve been writing this blog post and simultaneously making delicious stew. This stew recipe is unreal. It’s on Yummly, go find it “Bison Stew” – I am not giving it up for free.

The chopping and simmering and sautéing are relaxing. I know that my body is too tired and to emotionally strained to hit the gym just now. This is something that I can do slowly, lovingly, alone (Husband is at a Spin class then Acupuncture tonight – I am grateful for this time to reflect alone and unwind from the emotional intensity of the last two days). I knew earlier today that I needed to blog this out, and I am grateful to have the opportunity to do so.

Third: Pride / Pats on the Back / Counselling Tools

You all know I am a therapy junkie. From therapy, I have tools. One of the tools I have applied in the last 24 hours was thought analyzation. Look at your thought. Scour it for any negative or nonfactual tidbits. Review how that thought is working for you. Think about how it serves you. Use this analyzation to almost “screen” thoughts for temptation of falling into hysteria. This has helped.

One thing: I recognize that there is a 99.6% chance sticky is OK. I realize that I am CHOOSING to focus on the 0.4%. I accept that fact. I accept the fact that the NIPT testing may not be conclusive. I accept the fact that I could wait until 18 weeks for another ultrasound. I accept the fact that I need to do this test to feel as though I am doing something proactive to help my baby, to help our psyche and to help us cope, process and deal with our current situation. And I am OK with that. No more thoughts required on that front.

Counting my blessings: In case you didn’t glean from the first year of posts – I totally had a booze dependency. I mean, like, I see that now. Pregnancy helps, because you can’t drink. One thing that I have learned in pregnancy, and no matter what happens, I am eternally grateful and forever changed: You do not “need” a drink to deal. I realized that after a stressful day, long day, I would crave a drink to unwind. I don’t actually have to do that. Do you know what’s better (for me)? Meditation. Meditation actually allows you the headspace, without the extra calories, hangover and shame spiral in the AM to clear your mind and to really deflate. Let’s be clear: I only meditate in the morning, however if I’m feeling stressed, I’ll just take some deep breaths, clear my mind. It’s like walking away from an argument and taking some deep breaths, letting your heart rate come down, before you say something you regret. Just with yourself and thinking. Anyway. It’s a big deal. I don’t need booze. I do miss wine though, and I’m excited for our new relationship after this baby is born – HEALTHY.

I have allowed myself to feel sadness. I have allowed myself to be down. To be truthful and communicate where I’m at. I did not feel today, like I needed to plaster on a happy face. I was calm, centred and allowed myself to feel the feelings that I was feeling. It helped today, in this blog, to post my post about my fears. Those are real fears. They are OK to have. They are just that fears. I have control over feeling fears. I do not have control on the outcome of the tests. That is the hardest part right now. I do not have to “think positive” I also do not have to “think negatively” – I just have to be here and do it and love my husband and love my friends and love my family, and most importantly, love my little sticky.

I am awake super early today and instead of glaring at my husband sleeping like an angel, I decided to make a coffee and just have some peaceful “me” time before the rush of the day starts.

Speaking of husband… We celebrated our first anniversary! Holy shit we made it!

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WOW. Our first year was tough. But do you know what? We got through it, together. We invested a ton of time and emotion into hard emotional work, and the reward at the end: we are closer than ever.

I was counting down the days until our first year was over. Around November / December – I stopped. I reflected on how far we had come and celebrated the foundation that we had built in 2015. This foundation is like a fortress wall, going forward, we know that we have the strength and commitment to take on anything, together.

I’m not sitting here, with my rose coloured glasses on blowing smoke up my own (rather tight, thank you Crossfit) bottom – thinking it’s going to be sunshine and lollipops for the rest of eternity – because it isn’t – life doesn’t work that way. What I do know, is that even if we are not each others biggest fan at the moment, we are in each others corner for life. That is pretty cool.

We have all had shit in our life. Like- a lot of it. In our generation it’s all about avoiding hurt, at all costs (this is my observation). But without hurt, struggle, hardship and adversity – even though it totally sucks – there is no growth. With going through something and coming out on the other side bartered but OK – comes accomplishment. With accomplishment comes pride and knowledge that now, you know something more about yourself and relationships – than you did before.

I have always been scared to be vulnerable – I think I’ve written about this before – so in the place of putting myself out there, I built a Fort Knox worthy web of “self protection” strategies, which really isolated me from the relationship as I wasn’t willing to risk my heart – just in case – it got broken. I could dig up a thousand experiences from my life and childhood to justify myself. Throughout the last year, I’ve learned that those are just those – previous experiences – and this is now. It’s not like you have to ignore your past – or just bulldoze the walls you put up without thought. In fact, just the opposite. It takes time to dismantle your security system and it is important to take the time to do it, to go through everything and analyze it against what it is you have before you know and weigh if these systems are serving or hindering your life as it stands NOW.

Anyway. I’m hardly in a place to give advice – but – when the going gets tough, the emotionally tough stay and fight – because in my experience the fight is way better than what could be on the other side of flight.
Xo

That was a HUGE disclaimer, but as I get older, life is not quite as simple as “OMG, we should so go to Vegas/SF/NYC/Europe in the summer” — It’s more like, hmm, can I do XYZ this summer, well, there is so-and-so’s wedding, you have that work golf tournament, it’s important for us to be there for so and so’s birthday, we do have that destination wedding next year…. I should be there for the VP’s presentation… then suddenly, the dream dies.

LUCKILY, my sweet Husband had to go to the Big Apple for work. He went last year too, this year all of the wives were invited. Last year they were not. I am glad to know that I wasn’t the only one who death stared my true love:

It was so much fun! We saw Misery wherein Bruce Willis, played Bruce Willis, writer held hostage. Beggars can’t be choosers, it’s still Broadway. We were also approximately 60 minutes late, and were heckled in true NYC fashion, which made me feel oddly special.

Next year, I want to see Hamilton, it looks sick. Or maybe I’ll piggy back onto my sister’s “Spring Break” trip where she gets to stay at the Waldorf in true style:

Ok, now lets talk about something super valley girl, but since you already know that I’ll say just about anything in here, I think some of you might be able to like, empathize with me.

Remember when, you were in maybe middle school or high school and one of these situations occurred:

You got the “in toy/clothing brand/bike/technological thing” for birthday/christmas/justbecause

The most popular girl/coolest guy in school invited you over to their house to play / hang out / asked you out / asked you to come to a party with them

In any event, remember when you had something that you could bring to school that would act like social currency? I’m not even sure that the intent was to make anyone jealous, but like, whatever it would elevate your status.

Humans are so weird.

The difference between then and now, is that NOW if you have something that you want to share, not necessarily to make people jealous or to use as a social tool, but if you did, or it could be implied that you were trying to position yourself or brag, or the “thing” could perhaps make you look better than your friends, family, peers, you MUST downplay it as much as possible, to not, is adult social suicide.

What is my point?

I wanted to be like “OMG! I totally feel like a Stepford wife! Yay! I get to go on a “business trip” and meet my husband, like in the movies, or like how super rich people always fly their wives out, and roll their eyes with their colleagues: “guess we better let the women come, or there will be an uprising” (they all chuckle knowingly)…”

A note about grammar, clearly I don’t give a fuck – so don’t judge me, my goal is to let you read this and pretend we are chatting in a cafe or bar. Where there is no verbal punctuation.

Anyway – back to the Stepford wifing comment – If I said that, it would be like I threw a grenade into the conversation. My good friends, they wouldn’t really give a fuck because they know me really well and would know that I’m not posturing, I’m just Mere.

The acquaintance population however may have the following reactions:

“Bitch”

“Nice to see some people don’t seem to care about the recession”

“I’m glad that we got the vote for nothing”

“Does she even know how she sounds right now? So sad”

“Why is she gloating? I don’t go around telling everyone about the awesome trips that I go on, have some class”

“New Money”

We are actually poor, I just know that they say “New Money” all the time in TV shows about New York.

Do you know what I mean though?? Like, adulthood sucks, it’s like excitement is frowned upon. Unless of course you are getting married or having a baby, then your excitement level is carefully scrutinized:

“When I was engaged, I was literally bursting with excitement to marry the man of my dreams and create a life together, I could barely concentrate”

“You must be so excited, I was”

“You must be so excited to plan the wedding, it was soooo much work, but so worth it!, Yay, Mrs ______”

“You’re expecting??? You must be SO EXCITED!! Parenthood is the biggest blessing”

In this situation, you are NOT allowed to say: If by excitement, you mean anxiety about a life changing experience and parting with a large lump sum of disposable income, then yes, of course I’m excited!

I mean, of course we are all excited about these things, but like the pressure is on to be THE MOST EXCITED WOMAN IN THE WORLD.

Weddings and Babies, are socially acceptable reasons for a woman to be excited.

Trips, Clothes, anything that can make your peers jealous – do NOT be excited. EVER.

I don’t think I have a point. I am just evaluating (and ok, pouting) that I felt like it was unfair that I couldn’t be honest, that I was freaking out about my wedding, and was so relieved when it was over and I could go back to being my Husband’s girlfriend / partner – but that I couldn’t like sing from the sidewalk that I got to go on a business trip to NYC as like a Stepford Wife and I was really excited about it (because of the nature of the trip – I was excited to go to NYC, but MORE excited because I got to go with my Businessman Husband (I’m so proud of him!!) –

God, I’m rambling, but do you know what I mean?

I was going to write about the Holidays, but lets wait until after Christmas and NYE shall we? Probably more juicy wonderfulness after that time anyway.