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Sunday, 5 October 2008

I've had a few conversations throughout my time in SL about the SL / RL mash-up. There are some who take it as it comes and see SL as a part of their RL and others who, while accepting that they are physically sat at their computer, say that never the twain shall meet.

I'm sat firmly in the former camp.

I sit in front of my lappy and my actions and reactions in SL are directly representative of how I would act in that situation. Simple as that. I don't "role-play".

But that still doesn't mean that my lives have mashed.

The way in which lives are aspects of one another come through the emotions and their impact. I have, through my friends and their stories and their words to my story, gained an enourmous amount which I take out with me into the outside world. My lives are most certainly not seperate and I'm glad for that.

I don't share detailed real information with just anyone and am very careful about that. In over one and a half years of SL I think that there are only 3 people who know my full name, job and home address.

But the sharing of these details don't define the mash-up. I stand by my feeling that its the emotional impact.

Since I have started this blog, I have been together with The Boss. Friends come and go, as they do in rl, and some of the closest ones are still hanging on in there with me too.

These people and I talk about aspects of our real lives; we talk about our thoughts and feelings to things which occur in both realms. I think of these people when I am not online and I cannot see their pixelated representatives.

I find it ridiculous and faintly disturbed to be so adament that someone doesn't "mix" RL and SL.

Not my worry I guess, sure.

And yes, those who know of my life will know that I've gone that mad step further and met up with someone from SL.

This is indeed a step which many would baulk at and rightly so. Regardless of the state of RL and regardless of how happy you are to show yourself in SL, taking this step is a damned big one.

But bloody hell am I glad that I took that step! When the chemistry was there, when so much was felt, when the sound of a voice was no longer enough. I met someone.

To tell you how it was, I can't do it justice. Photos had been swapped. But more, I feel out of necessity to not walk passed one another when meeting. I find photos a ridiculous way of knowing if you fancy someone physically or not - a snapshot shot of a split second taken totally out of context. It was almost pointless anyway, I wanted him for him, the person who I spoke to, who was the one person, the first person who ever truly *heard* me.

Of course I was scared to hell that I would see him and not *recognise* him. And you will be hard pressed to ever find a more bizarre situation than to be stood opposite someone whom you have shared your most deep thoughts and emotions with, yet have never truly looked into their eyes. We had never cammed. I'm not quite sure why not, but I hate camming to be honest, so maybe that's mainly why.

We talked, after flights had been booked and logistics organised, a lot. Both nervous of course, but still smiling and going with the "what the hell, its gone too far almost not too" train of thought. Me....I couldn't have borne not to know. To look back and think "what if?".

So we met...and that moment? I felt outside of myself. To all those who meet and there is a thunderbolt and you fall in love again in that second - I'm happy for you. It didn't happen that way for me.

I was scared - its the beginning of something already established (an oddity in itself) or the end of something which you started to live into.

Voices sound different when heard live, movements and characteristics are vastly different than photos or even video cam. But now, you have the ability to touch the other. Its overwhelming. Connecting my senses, bringing this person together. And all the normal personal insecurities.

I'm happy to say that the person who I met was exactly the person who I knew and adored from SL. Gentle, fun, tender and teasing. Respectful and flirting. My god, he's flirting with me! Internal soaring and grinning, now I can take my time and fall into this...coz he fancies me! Still the same language used and my god, how beautifully rich and nuanced his voice and movements are, I could watch him for days. More importantly than all that, was the luxury of being able to sit with him in a cafe and watch the world go round and not have to speak. To be that comfortable, to not have that time pressure. Sitting and not speaking in SL doesn't have quite the same quality. lol. To have his hand holding mine or stroking the base of my neck. These idle and so important gestures which we normally take for granted. At moments I could barely breath. I never told him that.

Obviously, the question which everyone always wants answering....I'm not going to go into detail. But the first kiss....it was real. It wasn't the kiss of movies. But it made my stomach flip and it was real and it was the first moment that I tasted him and the start of being able to smell his skin. Those all important elements missing from SL. I'm still waiting for the Jira for the scratch-n-sniff Beta grid. It will get my vote in a second. The fact that he let me come to him, as he always does. No pushing or dragging, just a firm and steady and confident hand. Ok, half a bottle of wine helped me with my confidence. And the ludicrous situation with the mosquitoes and the group of 14 yrs olds who decided to mess about on our part of the beach instead of anywhere else on the rest of the 13km long beach. The moment when they asked him to take a group photo of them was a classic slapstick comic moment, but one which was perfect. It was real.

And of course, there is the other aspect, one which truly fascinates those in my near circles in which I rotate of BDSM....did we or didn't we?

*smiles...I'm not ruining your meal or coffee break with unnecessary details, sorry. I shall just smile and nod and say that nothing changed.

So all this was quite a few months ago. We got back home. True RL hit again. I was devastated to leave. Time was too short. After week of being home again, I had managed to fish enough of his reactions from him to be able to tell him that I wanted to see him again. And this with the man who I can say anything at all to. God, the experience knocked me for six. Thankfully he wanted to too.

But wanting isn't the same as getting and life doesn't dish up our dreams on a plate. Thank god in that case for SL where we can still be close to one another at least in some way.

Its a journey with hard paths. I can't remember the smell of his skin. That hurts me as I remember several moments where I inhaled and spoke to myself in my head to hold that moment. The palms of my hands sometimes actually itch with the need to have contact with his skin. At times I could cry with need. Not even of a sexual kind, but just to be with him. But I don't. Because I know that there will be another time.

And then my RL took on a, for some of the nay-sayers at least, positively strange turn. As he and I looked at, designed and ordered a collar. Its either a reflection to some as to how low I've sunk (lolol) or else its a sign of how real and deeply this man and I care about one another. It feels good. Its right for us both. That's all that counts.

This post was actually going to be about my collar, but then I felt that for those who don't know me or my story, it possibly needed some background. And I wanted a chance to go back in my memories too I guess.

When it arrived, I tried my collar on and showed it over cam (one of only 2 times on cam I think, strange), and since then it resides under my pillow until the time when the right person can put it around my neck.

Thankfully that time is no longer indeterminate.

But collar or no collar, titles or "roles"....all I know is that I just have to spend some time one on one with my sweetheart. Because at the end of the day, that's what he is. He's a wonderful man. He's a clever and driven man. He's my Master. He's my friend and he's such a warm and safe and tender harbour. He's funny and loves my humour (receives extra points for that). He can be strong and demands things from me and pushes me. He's my lover who I love to make and hear chuckle and make relaxed and happy. But at the end of all this, its very simple - he's my sweetheart and my darling.

Of course, time most likely will change these thoughts and feelings. But I hope that the Gods smile kindly on us and take note of the difficulties which we have and allow us peace to carry on as we are.

I'll post again in the next little while in regards my collar. Its something that I want to talk about, but this turned into something else and I don't want to add more.

Kisses to you all....in SL or RL or whateverLife.

As a wonderful woman who I am proud to call my friend and with no "L" definitions says in her profile: