Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett is starting to represent his own branch of Darwinism. After live blogging multiple run-ins with the police he’s decided to fully chronicle his descent into off-season lockout madness by almost being eaten by a wild animal, then buying one.

The story begins logically enough, with Dockett wandering the Florida Everglades. His tweet of, “I’m out here messing with these gators in everglades! This mofo almost bit me!” was accompanied by a picture of said mofo. Having lived in South Florida myself, I know the proper response to almost being eaten by one of these things is to say “jesus christ” out-loud and move to Ohio. Dockett responded by buying his own alligator (pictured above) and telling everybody about how he’s going to take it to work.

If Dockett’s offseason continues at this pace, I expect him to be lost in the Old West battling aliens by the end of the Summer. Worst case scenario, we log on to Twitter and find out who’d win a fight between an alligator and a policeman.