The No Talent Ass Clowns‘ self-made rock documentary bombed at its premiere recently.

Totally humiliated, the band is naturally furious. “I’m pissed as f**k,” said front man Lars Gunblade during an interview with Channel 22 News of Kings Nose, NJ. “This documentary shows how great we are and no one wanted to see it. It’s totally awesome. You’d have to be pretty dumb if you aren’t impressed by it.”

Having suffering the humiliation of being cut from the guitar documentary, “It Might Get Loud,”The No Talent Ass Clowns decided to create their own rock documentary. “To be honest, we didn’t put much effort into it,” says Gunblade. “We had some old concert footage lying around and some unused bits of interviews so we just pieced something together in no particular order. It’s not exactly Ken Burns quality but it’s more than good enough for the fans.”

Rock Documentary Failure Blamed On Media

Gunblade blames the failure of the rock documentary on the press, which did little to promote the film. “Luckily, we have Channel 22 in our back pocket,” says Gunblade. “KCUF is from our hometown of Kings Nose, NJ. Believe me, we can get what we want from them because I’ve had sex with every female anchor there for like ten years and every dude at that station has gotten tons of weed from us. So, yeah, I got my interview. Unfortunately, too little, too late, man.”

What caused the film’s lackluster performance at the premiere? The film’s distributor, Red Propeller Enterprises, feels the real problem was that Gunblade insisted that the film have no title of any kind. “How are we supposed to promote this f**ker?” asked Dwayne Mogley, the CEO of Red Propeller Enterprises. “What do you put on the marquee? We finally had to put ‘No Title’ because we didn’t know what else to do. This turkey is Gunblade’s fault. The guy is a genuine dick and we’ll arrest him if he ever sets foot in our office again.”

Had I known about the premiere, I would have traveled from my home in Brisbane, Australia to be there. I’m a major Ass Clowns fan. My wife would have been happy to return to prostitution in order to pay for our airfare to the United States. Just letting five guys do her anally would have raised enough money. Oh, well, missed opportunity. Contact me offline about my wife’s rates. Discount for bachelor parties!

Bruce, your wife say no to some hardcore bondage when I was with her at my building in NYC a few years ago. She also refused to let me play Ass Clowns music while I did her on the floor of the closet. What? That’s nuts. I pushed her out of the limo totally naked at the bus station and didn’t pay her. Bet that showed her.

Somebody gave me an illegal download of this documentary yesterday. There’s like 20 minutes of the band having sex with a bunch of large-breasted groupies backstage. Pretty graphic stuff, I might add. Turns out they were really into spanking themselves while the girls watched.

I saw that video too when somebody smuggled a flash drive into the prison. At first, it was kind of hot but then it just got weirder and weirder, with some crazy shit going on that I’ve never seen before. I watch tons of porn, including the fetish stuff. Trust me, this is way more twisted than anything I’ve ever seen in porn. Way more twisted.