Home Secretary Theresa May confirmed that fanatical Muslim cleric Abu Qatada was deported to Geordieland last Thursday pending final resolution of the case later in the year. Ms May said: “Sending a Londoner to Newcastle is obviously a very harsh measure, but my legal advice is that it falls slightly short of torture”.

Despite the strong words, the Home Secretary’s move may backfire as it has emerged that Mr Qatada is revelling in his new surrounds.

“Aye, these Geordies are even more fanatical than I am” said Mr Qatada. “I went to their place of worship on Sunday, and the service was just smashing – over 90 minutes of sustained chanting by 50,000 believers as they watched the preachers perform dressed in traditional black and white cloth. And their brown holy water – intoxicating! It reminded me of the way Mecca used to be before being overrun by the Pakistani package tourists.”

For their part, Geordies have warmed to Mr Qatada, with Newcastle United FC fan club official Kevin Stone saying: “Ok, we invited Mr Q to the game because we heard he was unpopular in London. But once the cameras focused on Kevin Keegan in the crowd and he chanted ‘glory to God’, we knew he was one of us. To top it off, he bought the entire fan club committee an all-expenses paid trip to the United States next week with matching kit – although the underpants seem a little bulky, and the shoes are a bit roomy.”