President Vladimir Putin will take part in the Opening Ceremony of the Sochi Winter Olympics, clad in a puce and aquamarine ice-skating catsuit as The Spirit of Russian Manhood. Ceremony Choregrapher Sasha Dedbutchski said "The Premier insisted on taking part. We were going to have him surrounded by buxom, flaxen-haired peasant maidens flinging sheaves of corn, but for security reasons the maidens are all going to be state security officers in drag.The premier personally picked the tallest and blondest officers."

"The whole routine culminates with the Premier wrestling a bear. Don't even ask."