He said he guessed that was a good
idea.
"It's great. I mean for me, too. I'm
pretty much O.K., but sometimes things
get to me. I mean particularly at supper-
time. That's when it can start to feel
o d "
werr .
She saw that he didn't know what she
was talking about and she was ready-
maybe eager-to explain.
"I mean without the kids and all. You
didn't know their father got them?"
" N " h O d
0, e sal .
"Oh, well. It's because they thought
his mother could look after them, really.
He's in A.A. and all, but the judgment
wouldn't have gone like that if it wasn't
for her."
She snuffled and dashed away tears in
an almost disregarding way.
"Don't be embarrassed-it isn't as bad
as it looks. I just automatically cry. Cry-
ing isn't so bad for you, either, so long as
you don't make a career of it."
The man in A.A. would be the sax
player. But what about the minister and
whatever had been going on there?
Just as if he had asked her aloud, she
said, "Oh. Then. Carl. That stuff was
such a big deal and everything? I should
have had my head examined.
"Carl got married again," she said.
"That made him feel better. I mean be-
cause he'd sort of got past whatever it
was he had on me. It was really kind of
funny. He went and married another
minister. You know how they let women
be ministers now? Well, she's one. So
he's like the minister's wife. I think that's
a howl."
Dry-eyed now, smiling. He knew that
there was more coming, but he could not
guess what it might be.
"You must have been here quite a
while. You got a place of your own?"
'''T "
.l es.
"You cook your own supper and
everything?"
He said that that was the case.
"I could do that for you once in a
while. Would that be a good idea?"
Her eyes had brightened, holding his.
He said maybe, but to tell the truth
there wasn't room in his place for more
than one person to move around at a
time.
Then he said that he hadn't looked in
on Isabel for a couple of days, and he
must go and do it now.
She nodded just slightly in agree-
ment. She did not appear hurt or dis-
couraged.
" s d "
ee you aroun .
" s "
ee you.
T hey had been looking all over for
him. Isabel was finally gone. They
said "gone," as if she had got up and left.
When someone had checked her about
an hour ago, she had been the same as
ever, and now she was gone.
He had often wondered what differ-
ence it would make.
But the emptiness in place of her was
astounding.
He looked at the nurse in wonder.
She thought he was asking her what he
had to do next and she began to tell him.
Filling him in. He understood her fine,
but was still preoccupied.
He'd thought that it had happened
long before with Isabel, but it hadn't. Not
until now.
She had existed and now she did not.
Not at all, as if not ever. And people hur-
ried around, as if this could be overcome
by making arrangements. He, too,
obeyed the customs, signing where he
was told to sign, arranging-as they
said-for the remains.
Wh II d " 0"
at an exce ent wOv - remaIns.
Like something left to dry out in sooty
layers in a cupboard.
And before long he found himself
outside, pretending that he had as ordi-
nary and good a reason as anybody else to
put one foot ahead of the other.
What he carried with him, all he car-
ried with him, was a lack, something like
a lack of air, of proper behavior in his
lungs, a difficulty that he supposed would
go on forever.
The girl he'd been talking to, whom
he'd once known-she had spoken of
her children. The loss of her children.
Getting used to that. A problem at
suppertime.
An expert at losing, she might be
called-himself a novice by comparison.
And now he could not remember her
name. Had lost her name, though he'd
known it well. Losing, lost. A joke on
him, if you wanted one.
He was going up his own steps when
it came to him.
Leah.
A relief out of all proportion, to re-
member her. .
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