Wednesday, 23 June 2010

where did i lose myself?

I was stood in the middle of my work, shouting at two people, i had a surreal moment. It was as if i could see myself from a third person view. I saw myself waving my hands, pointing, getting irrate and felt this overwhelming surge of sadness.

In any case i am totally validated in being angry but as i was getting more angry, i was feeling sad as well. Where did this screaming woman come from? When did i lose sight of being calm and cool? When did i lose myself?

My parents are always good at reminising and in these stories im always stunned on how they used to describe me when i was younger. I was so easily calmed with a slice of strawberry pie, i looked forward to lazying around in the local embassy suite lobby and watching koi, and waking up on a saturday morning listening to my mom playing music was the best...When i was about 5 and in kindergarden, i had a schoolfriend that lived with her grandmother and used to wear the same clothing constantly. I was caught one morning, hiding extra clothing in my backpack to take to her because i wanted to give her them.I vaguely remember playing in the bedroom with Robert, watching after him when i could.When Andrew fell off the jungle gym and broke his arm, i was the first one there trying to calm him before the teachers came.When Roberto had a freak accident with a pencil that ended up going THROUGH his hand, I was the only student in the room to believe him and MAKE the teacher see him.

Now i don't feel the same sympathy OR empathy for anyone. I go on daily, thinking the people around me should be euthanised. I select only a few people that i can talk to...But when did i lose that caring side? Where did it go all wrong?

I suppose i should try to be content with how i am now, but it still saddens me.

I, in general, hate people... but i wish i could see the beauty in humanity.