Defending the Realm

The morning light slanted in low among the big leaves, and glinted like diamonds off countless drops of dew. The air was crisp with just a hint of dissipating morning mist still. "Sir Helix," began the king slowly, "thank you for coming quickly, I have an urgent quest for you." Sir Helix nodded respectfully to the king seated on a large leaf above him. "A giant has been plaguing our land, as you know," the elderly king continued, "the monster plucks up several of our peaceful kinsfolk every single day and they're never heard from again." "Yes my liege, it is tragic," Sir Helix agreed. A large bee buzzed casually by, the morning light making its wings seem to glow. "Our wisemen are undecided as to whether the giant wishes to eat us all, or merely covets our bountiful gardens," continued the king, nodding to aged advisers who were themselves completely preoccupied with a small branch, "but either way, you are the bravest snail among us, and if anyone can stop the terrible bipedal giant it is you! You are our only hope!" Sir Helix bowed low at the compliment and vowed to stop the horrible monster. "Plus I'll give you a generous reward, a 500 snail-drachma rebate on your taxes this year!" the snail king generously offered, referring to the almost-entirely irrelevant snail currency that only exists as a form of snail-credit. Sir Helix bowed again and swiftly turned on his heel -- mere minutes later he was galloping very slowly down the central trunk of the low leafy lemon tree in which the snail-king held court.

Sir Helix passed ant shepherds tending their flocks of aphids, and a silent praying mantis standing vigil lower down on the shrub. He charged across the earthy soil on the ground, scattering pill-bugs in his path ... or maybe it just appeared that way since they'd inevitably moved out of his way before he could overtake them. Next he barreled through a fragrant tomato plant, and after an hour was peering out the other side across the Great Poaceaen Expanse of grass. The Giant seemed particularly obsessed with maintaining this area clear of everything except short grass, pulling out any other plant that would grow there and periodically invoking a great unholy magic from a roaring machine, which the Giant rolled over the entire plain and it cut off the tops of all the grass while sucking every living thing out of the area under it. Sir Helix somberly recalled the memorial pebble they had erected after the last time this happened. Then he saw her, his manxome foe! Callously striding about! She towered over the everything else, even the plaster lawn gnomes Helix regarded as enormous weren't as tall as her purple rubber boots. Atop her towering head she had grey hair pulled into a bun, and upon her face the heartless monster had a cheerful expression. To his horror, Helix saw that the giant was holding a green metallic colored bag labelled "SNAIL AND SLUG B-GONE" on it. Sir Helix grabbed up a particular straight twig, held it like a lance, and charged across the lawn, leaving a silvery trail in his path. This could truly be the last chance to stop the vile monster! The Giant set down the cursed bag by the side of her enormous palace -- which occupied one whole side of the entire realm, and then picked up a watering can and went about causing localized rainstorms above the potted plants. She then walked around the yard talking on her cell phone, much to the frustration of Helix's ongoing charge, as she perambulated all around him, before disappearing into the house.

Helix discarded his lance and headed to where the Giant had disappeared into the enormous edifice. He found that the opening into which the giant had disappeared was sealed with some sort of magic solid transparent material. Helix headed up this glass epiphragm in search of a way in, leaving a vertical silvery line behind him. Suddenly the whole surface was sliding to the right, and the Giant emerged from the opening and slid the surface back into place behind her. "Oh, for the love!!" Helix exclaimed as loudly as he could and performed a u-turn.

Completely unaware of the wrathful avenger bearing down on her, the Giant fired up the grill, made herself a hamburger, ate it, and sat down in a red adirondack chair to read, and then fell asleep. At last our questing bogatyr caught up with his prey! He admired her rainbow brand flip-flop and then climbed up on it and lashed savagely at her foot with a blade of grass! Alas she seemed impervious to this vorpal blade. He tried biting her but all he got was a bad too-salty taste in his radula. Then she twitched her foot and even our fearless hero felt the importance of self preservation and quickly fled from her foot. Then he got an idea. He climbed up the arm of the chair, leaving a spiraling silver pattern up the side of the chair to the arm-rest. The redwood tasted a bit of tannins, like a strong tea. Once on the arm rest, as he expected, he beheld her big white rectangular iphone, all rounded edges. He glanced at her nerviously, but the giant was gently snoring. He made his way to the phone and turned it on. Excellent, no passcode to turn it on. Helix navigated to amazon.com and ordered the Giant a copy of The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating, with rush delivery, and then went into her facebook account and liked the facebook page of noted snail photographer Vyacheslav Mishchenko. Leaving her phone open to the page, Sir Helix headed back down the fine red wood of the chair.