Thursday, July 5, 2012

God, that slightly mystical chap with a long beard and sandals, appeared at a press conference today to deny his existence. His told us:

"Well things have been a little shaky for the last few hundred years, but it was this Higgs Boson discovery that prompted me to reveal the truth. It wasn't me who created the world and man, and even women for that matter. It was all done through physics and stuff.

To be honest I was always surprised so many people believed in me for so long. I mean, for fuck's sake, look at it objectively. There were wars, with so many millions killed, there were natural disasters, people with so little morals that they'd do unspeakable things and the believers still thought that I, with my all seeing eye, was busily pulling the strings.

Well I ask you, if there was a chap doing all this he must have been working only part time at the least. And worse, lots of my most ardent followers were paedophiles and as corrupt and dodgy as the best and highest ranking politicians in the world. The church, don't even start there my son. It wallowed in its wealth while so much of the world basked in extreme poverty. That can't be right can it?

Yes, fair point, I did send that Jesus chap down. But I wanted him to play for Barcelona, not pretend to be my son and do his magic show. He was good, but he was no Derren Brown or David Blaine. Or even that new guy, Magician Impossible, he's fantastic he is. To be honest his walking on water act is a lot better than Jesus' was and he does tricks with iphones too.

As for Heaven, well I've got a flat in Kilburn. It's quite big and the concierge chap is called Peter, well not at weekends, that's Brian, but I can see how people got the wrong end of the stick. I couldn't get that many people in there, maybe twenty five, thirty at a push if I moved the sofa.

Gravity, there's a thing. Why on earth (did you see what I did there?) would I invent that? I fell off a ladder last week and it ached like buggery. No way would I have invented something that stupid for no reason. Life, if you ask me, would be infinitely better if we could all float and fly around at will. I'd go to Sri Lanka, maybe even Italy, and wouldn't have to think about fares if there was no gravity.

So I want to set the record straight. I don't exist. All you religious types worshipping me can get on with some proper doing good to others now."

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I'd like to ask you. my reader, if the email I'll chuck into this post, after giving you the background, winds you up as much as it does to me. Or am I just being overly pedantic and fussy?

I deal with one of those job agencies, the sort that supplies temporary staff as and when a company like mine needs them. Now I should clarify something here; as far as I'm concerned there are three specific groups of people that are as close to vermin as I can comprehend. And I've met many individuals within these groups who are genuinely nice, warm and friendly people, it's just, put them in their work environment and they act like wankers.

They are (in no particular order) car dealers, recruitment consultants (which includes temp agencies) and estate agents. The keen and intelligent among you will have already spotted that the aforementioned email, the email I mentioned before that is, was from one of my most disliked industry types to start with, not a good place to begin.

So why do you even deal with these people RD? I hear you asking. Well it's because I have to. My company needs a sporadic supply of temporary staff and one of my responsibilities is to organise it. Life is like that. I've had to buy cars and deal with estate agents too. I've dealt with this particular temp agency for some years. Their incompetence never fails to impress. They're so incompetent that they'd probably come last in an incompetence competition.

But I stick with them. Better the devil you know and all that. They may be incompetent but some of the staff they supply are good and know the work involved. It's a bit like buying the car you really want or the house you love from an imbecile.

On Sunday night, yes Sunday night, I receive the following email from my contact at this agency. At first my reaction was one of a niggling feeling, a sort of strain around my balls, just that slight discomfort. I paid little heed to it for, as a man, I'm used to uncomfortable balls, that constant need to adjust and move them around.

But the niggling continued. Yesterday I had to read the thing again and I felt myself getting wound up by it. It's strange, you know me, I'm as mild mannered and easy going as a Dairylea triangle with a dollop of mayonnaise on top, but this has affected me.

I've pondered on it, trying to work out the logic and rationale behind the feelings. It's a combination of a few things; first it's the fact that the chap has sent it to a load of people who I assume to be his customers and let us all see each others email addresses and names, something I consider to be a large breach of professionalism.

Secondly there's the fact that he goes along the "I work so hard, never having holiday and am so dedicated to my job" approach, something I really don't care about, as I don't know the guy that well at all.

Next is his poor grammar and generally appalling linguistics. Saying "there" instead of "their", randomly using a capital L at the start of the word "Leave" and total ignorance about sentence. Construction.

Lastly the way he's used the "Mr" titles in front of his colleagues' names. It seems to be some sort of in joke, one that isn't really that funny anyhow.

Terrible. Here it is, with certain bits omitted because I, despite my intense dislike, still have a sense of what I should and shouldn't put out for all to see:

Dear All,

I know its not very often but F.... has actually given me Leave for 2 weeks, I know it's hard to believe but trust
me it is true so my colleagues I will be away from the 2nd July and
will be back on the 16th of July and
will be leaving you with the very capable hands of Mr C......... W.... and Mr D... B...... to deal with any staff coverage. There contact details
are as follows: