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Rebecca is facedown on the front lawn, and yes! The leopard-print skirt is back! Automatic sprinklers act as her alarm clock, and because they don’t come with a snooze button, Rebecca snaps upright to painfully greet the world. She crawls over to her friend Michelle (hi, Angela Kinsey!) and begs her not to be dead. Michelle looks as rough as Rebecca and swears never to drink again—just before Rebecca shoves a new beer into her hand. Hair of the dog, ladies.

They’ve been out all night celebrating Michelle’s divorce being final after 17 bad years of marriage. They share a moment remembering how much fun they had the night before. Rebecca is proud of Michelle for letting herself let go: “You needed a palate cleanser.” Well, tequila will cleanse pretty much anything. Rebecca realizes she needs a palate cleanser too and crouches over to turn the sprinkler into a water fountain. Ingenuity at work!

Today’s defendant is in Rebecca’s courtroom for charges of loitering. D.A. Tom explains that Mr. Lin loiters outside a restaurant, and when people assume he’s homeless and give him money, he tries to steal their shoes. But when Rebecca addresses Mr. Lin, she and the public defender realize he’s deaf. Later in chambers, Tedward is preoccupied because he’s been tasked with signing up judges for their portrait. “Seeing how you look like a troll doll,” he postpones Rebecca’s session. Rebecca toddles out from behind her desk and Tedward points out she’s wearing two different shoes. No lie, I did that two weeks ago and have the film to prove it.

Tedward flags down Judge Hernandez to set up his portrait appointment. Hernandez thinks his original photo is good enough, but Tedward wants to bring him into the new century with an update. Hernandez agrees, but first mourns his 30-year-old image with a Mexican song. Tedward backs away slowly to give them time alone together.

At Tedward’s DJ friend’s party, Rebecca tells Michelle to find someone she’ll regret in the morning. Michelle is only too willing, since her ex is posting pics of the skanks he’s dating to Instagram. Rebecca says she avoids relationships for just this reason: “You know who mates for life? The albatross. It’s the literary symbol for dragging you down.” She boasts that’s why she and Gary are just for fun and free. But Rebecca stops short when she sees Gary dancing with another woman. She all but pees on him to mark her territory, and dances over so she can shove in between them, then jump up on Gary to make out in front of his date. So much for fun and free.

In the morning, Gary invites her for some more free fun and frolic at a luxury hotel, thanks to marriage-counseling clients who are now divorce-counseling clients. Rebecca is game. Back in court, she discovers the ESL interpreter won’t work since Mr. Lin speaks Mandarin, so they need a CSL interpreter. Rebecca orders a CSL interpreter, a Mandarin interpreter, and a lawyer who can speak both English and Mandarin so they don’t get caught up in legalese—plus a stenographer who can transcribe in Mandarin. Judy already has her covered there, as she speaks fluent Mandarin. Naturally.

Increasingly self-conscious about his photo op, Judge Hernandez employs Tedward as his stylist. Meanwhile, Rebecca packs for the hotel weekend, which makes Michelle think she undersold the Gary situation: first the jealous flare-up, and now with the folding of her clothes. Two clear warning signs, for sure.

At the hotel, Rebecca objects when the clerk greets them as Mr. and Mrs.—until the clerk makes it clear that if they’re not married, they don’t get the free champagne. Gary: “Happy Anniversary!” The prevalence of couples makes Rebecca spiral. At dinner that night, when Gary anticipates her drink order, she goes off the deep end and storms out.

Judge Hernandez takes Tedward’s advice a bit too far and colors his beard and hair—badly. Aw, he missed a spot in the back. Bless. Rebecca, Michelle, and Tedward are back at the bar, but Rebecca has lost her oomph because she thinks she has to break up with Gary because he has feelings: “Feelings sicken me.” Honey, that’s the cheap beer. They tell her she has to talk to Gary because she clearly, like, like likes him given how she ditched Michelle at the bar with an open tab. Jeez, it must be love.

Judge Hernandez finally admits he doesn’t want a new picture because it’ll be the photo they use when he retires and later when he dies. Tedward tell him he looks like a judge who lets everyone know they deserve justice. Back in court, Rebecca speaks to the Chinese interpreter, who translates to Mandarin for the CSL interpreter, who then signs the question in Mandarin to Mr. Lin. All of which just calls to mind this pitch-perfect scene from The West Wing.

Result: Mr. Lin is trying to start a shoeshine business. When people think he’s homeless and give him money, he takes their shoes to shine, but they think he’s stealing them. Rebecca dismisses the case and makes everyone contribute to get Mr. Lin a permit and a sign so he can start his business—beginning with the shoes in her chamber. Incidentally, her official stamp is in the shape of brass knuckles. It’s details like this that make the recapping extra-special.

Gary arrives in Rebecca’s chambers after testifying for a guy who got caught dry-humping mailboxes. Rebecca explains she felt caged with a house cat/exotic tiger metaphor that gets away from her. He gets down on one knee and asks that she promise to never, ever marry him. “When I’m 75, I want to look across the table and see a 26-year-old, and I want the same for you!”

They happily agree to just have fun together, and later toast to it at the bar. When Rebecca goes to get more shots, Gary tells the newly arrived Tedward that they’re happily committed to being noncommitted. Tedward laughs in his face when he pretends to see Rebecca making out with some guy at the bar. Gary instantly freaks because Gary likes Rebecca. Like, like likes her.

Expression Of JoyThe Brady Bunch: Groovy! The Bradys: Ritual hugging Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.” Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you? The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…” The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been) Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!” Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?” The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical ProblemThe Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen. The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed. Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents. Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer. The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical SolutionThe Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens. The Bradys: Bobby gets married. Married…With Children: They hate him. Thirtysomething: If only we knew… The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

Attitude Toward SexThe Brady Bunch: Never heard of it The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it! Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No. Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident. The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses FightThe Brady Bunch: They don’t. The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens Married…With Children: Tooth and nail Thirtysomething: They stop talking The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into TroubleThe Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette. The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair. Married…With Children: By committing felonies Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket. The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.” The Bradys ”Next time, ask.” Married…With Children: By the authorities Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face. The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For FunThe Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon The Bradys: Has flashbacks Married…With Children: Exchanges insults Thirtysomething: Talks The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved MysteriesThe Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die? The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use? Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other? The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst BehaviorThe Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

Best Reason To WatchThe Brady Bunch: This is what life should be. The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now! Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it. Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life. The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To WatchThe Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses. The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now. Married…With Children: She has a point. Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real. The Flintstones: The Simpsons