Ocho Is Getting All Sexy With Your Cereal

Receive the latest sports updates in your inbox

Chad Ochocinco, right, and his partner Cheryl Burke perform on the dance competition series "Dancing With the Stars," Monday, May 17, 2010 in New York.

Bengals wideout Chad Ochocinco is a shrewd fellow who has parlayed a decent playing career into a full media platform that includes his own reality show and a Twitter feed with over a million followers. He also has his own breakfast cereal line called Ochocinco’s, which undoubtedly contain 79 grams of sugar in every 3/4 cup serving.

At first glance, this cereal appears to be nothing more than a Honey Nut Cheerios ripoff, just as Flutie Flakes surely owed Tony the Tiger massive royalties. But today wire reports revealed a far more insidious reason for the cereal’s being: TO SEX UP YOUR KIDS.

NFL Cheerleaders: Super Bowl Edition

Charity-minded callers are getting intercepted by a phone-sex line because of a typo on Chad Ochocinco's cereal boxes.

The phone number is supposed to connect callers to Feed the Children, which benefits from sales of the Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver's cereal. But the box has the wrong toll-free prefix, meaning callers get a seductive-sounding woman who makes risque suggestions and then asks for a credit card number.

Cincinnati-based Kroger Co. said Thursday it was pulling all Ochocinco cereal boxes from its grocery shelves because of the error… Ochocinco told WCPO-TV that the number was clearly a mistake and he's sure that the maker will fix the problem.

Oh, a mistake, eh? I think that’s what Chad WANTS you to believe. Do you think it’s any coincidence that his cereal comes in the shape of an O, the alphabet’s most sexually suggestive letter? I THINK NOT.

Furthermore, this man has already demonstrated a penchant for attracting notoriety anywhere he goes. And what better way to draw attention to himself than to rejigger a charity number on his cereal box to direct you to 1-976-HOT-LIXX? This man is a monster who must be stopped.

And what are people doing buying this cereal anyway? You can only buy it mail order, and it costs $5. That's lunacy. You can get two boxes of Honey Nut on sale for the same price at the store, and that cereal’s 80 times better. Why do you want your kids looking up to Chad anyway? Do you really want them getting into fights with Marvin Lewis and getting haircuts straight out of “Demolition Man?" No, you do not. Look at this ruffian pimp his cereal/sex trafficking scheme on Twitter:

"Start your day with a lil suga!!!"

SUGAR ROTS YOUR TEETH AND CAUSES HYPERACTIVITY, CHAD. Take it from a parent who has seen his four-year-old turn into a raving psychopath after one Tootsie Pop. Sugar is evil. Do not believe this man, America. I have little doubt that his next plan is a Fathead that somehow attacks baby seals.