lennavan:seventypercent: What they should do is publicly announce that the suspect has escaped and that there's nothing more to be done, and call off the search. Then the mayor should go on TV and announce that there will be a Mega Wrestling Contest tonight downtown, and that first prize is an all-expenses-paid trip to Chechnya. Then when this guy shows up to wrestle in it (the contest is actually just a fake) they can have Rick Moranis jump out in front of him in the Dark Helmet costume and say "Fooled you!" Then they can cuff him and stuff him, and take any money that he has in his wallet and put it towards a "Dynasty" reunion show hosted by Joan Collins.

I'll bet sixty-eight dollars that the guy is holed up on the second story of the Ocean Beach parking garage. Even with a six-star wanted level, the police never follow you up there. They just drive their cars into the wall and keep trying to drive forward.

Gas Station Attendant: [in New England accent] Sure, I remember Stutts. He was a loner, but a real hard worker. I mean, he pumped the gas, he checked the oil, he washed the windows. Nice kid.

Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?

Man: Oh, yes, definitely. That's all he talked about. I remember one day I says, uh, "Stutts, why are you working so hard?" He says, "'Cause I'm saving up to buy a gun, so I can kill Buckwheat." [shrugs]

WATERTOWN, MA-Sources are now confirming that no news is currently breaking in the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. Multiple witnesses and law enforcement officials on the ground in Watertown, MA have informed reporters that there are not any urgent updates or late-breaking developments to the ongoing situation, and the situation remains largely unchanged. Media outlets are reporting that everything is exactly the same as it was since the last update. Readers are advised to keep checking theonion.com for any breaking updates that may occur.

WATERTOWN, MA-Sources can now confirm that there is still nothing new to report on the search for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. Those with knowledge of the situation are currently telling reporters that nothing has changed and there are no new developments. Reports have confirmed, however, that instead of saying one brother has died and the other is on the run, sources will instead switch that information around to make it sound different than previous reports, thus making it seem like new information is being added. Sources are now saying that one brother is on the run and the other has been shot and killed.

WATERTOWN, MA-Citing exhaustive use of the word "breaking" to preface media coverage of today's ongoing manhunt for one of the alleged Boston Marathon bombers,The Onion is now questioning whether the word "breaking" has lost all its meaning. According to sources, the word 'breaking' has been used over 4,000 times across a variety of media platforms in the past 24 hours and has been repeatedly used to categorize news items related to the Boston Marathon bomber suspect that are not, in fact, substantively different from earlier reports, and thus not truly "breaking" by any traditional definition of that term. Acknowledging that 700 separate "breaking" news bulletins have been published since the beginning of this breaking news article,The Onion continues to wonder whether this word can ever be taken seriously again.

WATERTOWN, MA-According to the latest news breaking from the scene of the ongoing Boston bomber manhunt, sources asked if anyone can ever truly know anything and, when one actually stops and thinks about it, what is the truth, really? While authorities have continued updating the public on the progress of the manhunt and eyewitnesses have corroborated the stories, reporters have to wonder: How do any of us ever really discern what has "happened" from what has "not happened," if indeed such terms are mutually exclusive, in the context of spacetime, or even truly knowable? Furthermore, one could potentially view everything we see and hear-or rather, everything weperceive-as being little more than a string of continuing falsities, one after another, throughout the entirety of our existence. Who can we trust? Is our only option to continue believing everything we experience, in a phenomenological sense, and ignore the true possibility that all that truly is, has been, and will be, is an illusion, a shadow cast upon the wall of eternity? Keep checking theonion.com for more updates on this story, which may in fact only be an elaborate construct of our own collective consciousness.

Tommy Moo:No more stories about how these two were "good kids" or how it's "so shocking" that these "peaceful" young men could commit such a strange act. There's no longer any ambiguity. These are two more people poisoned by their religion to commit the exact kind of evil that is consistent with the teachings of their holy text. They grew to hate this country because of our tolerance of homosexuality and female sexuality. They terrorized us as a favor, to scare us onto a path of righteousness that they believed would point us toward salvation. This is your brain on Islam.

For someone raised to hate this country and our tolerance of female sexuality, he sure has his hands pretty far up that girl's torso on the prom pic going around.

hutchkc:Abzzstain: So the police get a free pass to barge in without a search warrant and toss every farking house in Boston if they want. If you're not home they'll let themselves in.

I realize they've got to find the guy, but this seems like overkill and not exactly constitutional. I suspect police all over the country will be using this convenient tactic now whenever there's a fugitive.

If they are searching house to house, they knock on the door and ask to search. The people are allowing it. The cop casually walks through your house just to see if there is someone there. Had that happen a couple times. They spend all of like 2 minutes in your house. Not unconstitutional and they don't care about jack shiat except the person they are looking for. The first time it happened I was at my neighbors and his roommate was smoking a <b>bowel</b> when they went through. Not a word about it.

hutchkc:Abzzstain: So the police get a free pass to barge in without a search warrant and toss every farking house in Boston if they want. If you're not home they'll let themselves in.

I realize they've got to find the guy, but this seems like overkill and not exactly constitutional. I suspect police all over the country will be using this convenient tactic now whenever there's a fugitive.

If they are searching house to house, they knock on the door and ask to search. The people are allowing it. The cop casually walks through your house just to see if there is someone there. Had that happen a couple times. They spend all of like 2 minutes in your house. Not unconstitutional and they don't care about jack shiat except the person they are looking for. The first time it happened I was at my neighbors and his roommate was smoking a bowel when they went through. Not a word about it.

TheManofPA:pdkl95: Wow. Such a charlie-foxtrot. Way to give in in to terrorism, America. Now everybody is going to copycat this mess, now that they've seen how easy it is to scare us into shutting down our own city.

It's from earlier in the week, but I highly recommend t">this essay by noted security expert Bruce Schneier on how important it is to refuse to be terrorized. Or, as Douglass Adams put it... "Don't Panic".

Easy for you to say, you didn't leave home without your towel

Thanks for reminding me. I wanted to make some Pan-Galactic Gargle-Blasters for the open mic drinking game.

pdkl95:Wow. Such a charlie-foxtrot. Way to give in in to terrorism, America. Now everybody is going to copycat this mess, now that they've seen how easy it is to scare us into shutting down our own city.

It's from earlier in the week, but I highly recommend t">this essay by noted security expert Bruce Schneier on how important it is to refuse to be terrorized. Or, as Douglass Adams put it... "Don't Panic".

Gas Station Attendant: [in New England accent] Sure, I remember Stutts. He was a loner, but a real hard worker. I mean, he pumped the gas, he checked the oil, he washed the windows. Nice kid.

Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?

Man: Oh, yes, definitely. That's all he talked about. I remember one day I says, uh, "Stutts, why are you working so hard?" He says, "'Cause I'm saving up to buy a gun, so I can kill Buckwheat." [shrugs]

Bullseyed:ourbigdumbmouth: In before the white person deniers show up.

They're one country north of Arabia, so suddenly they're white.

Actually, Chechnya is north of Iran, which is not Arabic. Between Chechnya and Iran are Georgia, Armenia and Azerbaijan - none of which are Arabic. Oh, and they're also NE of Turkey, which is also not Arabic.

styckx:In the grand scheme of things.. Is this the biggest manhunt we've had on U.S. soil in terms of the sheer amount of manpower, agencies, and vehicles involved? I can't recall anything this massive before..

Several individuals constructed a drinking game where consumption was prompted by incorrect information being disseminated over the Internet due to misunderstanding statements heard over the police scanner. To my knowledge, all participants have since died from alcohol poisoning.

styckx:In the grand scheme of things.. Is this the biggest manhunt we've had on U.S. soil in terms of the sheer amount of manpower, agencies, and vehicles involved? I can't recall anything this massive before..

Younger brother should say that it was older brother who planted the bombs and he knew nothing about it until afterwards. Then older brother held him hostage and forced him at gunpoint to throw explosives etc. He ran from the police because he was scared about being set up for something he didn't do.

Hey, you know what would be hilarious? Someone right in the middle of this lockdown that has a really good sound system should fire up "Call of Duty Black Ops 2" and play it with the volume up as loud as they can.

People have a right to know. Why do you hate the free spread of information so much? Take it or leave it, but why bash it? Why are you so threatened by it?

Nobody is "threatened" buyy it, they're just tired of this stupid bullshiat. None of it has ever been true, yet simpletons continue to post and repost it every chance they get.

And every single time, people get mad. If it were just "stupid bullshiat" why not simply dismiss it as such and move on? Do you know how much "stupid bullshiat" gets posted and reposted on FARK every single day? Generally people don't get so pissed off about it. The emotional responses to this "stupid bullshiat" would indicate to me that they feel their view of reality is threatened by it. People don't want to face the potential of their reality being wrong, so anything that conflicts with their reality is immediately a threat to be attacked or suppressed, regardless of how absurd it is.

/I don't personally believe any of the shiat from the image, but I do find the responses to be humorous and illuminating

seventypercent:What they should do is publicly announce that the suspect has escaped and that there's nothing more to be done, and call off the search. Then the mayor should go on TV and announce that there will be a Mega Wrestling Contest tonight downtown, and that first prize is an all-expenses-paid trip to Chechnya. Then when this guy shows up to wrestle in it (the contest is actually just a fake) they can have Rick Moranis jump out in front of him in the Dark Helmet costume and say "Fooled you!" Then they can cuff him and stuff him, and take any money that he has in his wallet and put it towards a "Dynasty" reunion show hosted by Joan Collins.

xnewnoisex:Man this is just riveting. I can't listen to the scanner on this work computer (soundcard blown). But I will be following the thread. shiat all I do is run a comic book store. I got times on my hands

What they should do is publicly announce that the suspect has escaped and that there's nothing more to be done, and call off the search. Then the mayor should go on TV and announce that there will be a Mega Wrestling Contest tonight downtown, and that first prize is an all-expenses-paid trip to Chechnya. Then when this guy shows up to wrestle in it (the contest is actually just a fake) they can have Rick Moranis jump out in front of him in the Dark Helmet costume and say "Fooled you!" Then they can cuff him and stuff him, and take any money that he has in his wallet and put it towards a "Dynasty" reunion show hosted by Joan Collins.

I can't help but think that somewhere, holed up in an office, an group of Mad Men are trying to figure out how to tout the Mercedes SUV's hardiness and ability to crash through police cordions as a feature.