This is purely pleasurable writing. My hope is that it might bring someone inspiration or contemplation.

Monday, March 27, 2017

I'm here.....and full of words.

Hello friends. Much has transpired since I last wrote. I will not bore you with the plethora of details - just know, it got much worse before my life got better. However...the main thing that I want to communicate to you now is that it has gotten better --- SO much better. Just a few details, I relapsed on chemicals (chemicals that I thought I'd never touch) after crossing paths with some pretty dysfunctional characters --- due to the depths of my loneliness. Loneliness is and can be devastating - and it can truly propel you to make choices that you would not otherwise make, if your circumstances weren't as they are. My shopping continued for some time, despite the absence of my cards - (they were programmed into my computer) and until I ripped the modem out - I literally could not stop. I still shopped on my phone some despite horrible financial consequences. I was really in a deep, dark, nasty place. Returning to the use of drugs was really my wake up call - for if I am anything I am a truth seeking person - because I told on myself. I always do. I messed up a couple of times, but I'm drug free now - and the shopping has been arrested. Praise Jesus!!!!!

My EMDR Doctor has proven to be a gift from God. I am at this writing, attending co-occurring groups, a grief program, and some other therapies. I knew that it was going to take an intervention of a pretty grand scale to stop my addictive cycle. But, it has been arrested --- and I have been sober now for several weeks. I am not really the type that "counts" because it's really one day at a time. I did change some meds - and I discovered -- by accident that my emotions have literally been numbed for over six years. I had to readjust to feeling my emotions again, and it was quite difficult. In the very beginning they kind of came out in "globs". I was an emotional mess.

What is on my heart right now though is an article that I found this morning about daughters (or sons) and the enormity of posts that I read through of lives that are damaged just like mine -- of people who have had mentally ill mothers. Now I've read articles where others have had mean mothers, or mothers that didn't nurture their children -- but this is now becoming a mental health crisis...the amount of lives that have been shaped by this familial abuse. I cannot convey what it does to my heart, and my soul.

We all think inside our own minds that the things that we struggle with, we struggle with alone. We may have an inkling that others might be able to relate -- but it's so taboo - to have bad feelings to the one who gave you life. Some of these woman have bore this burden half their lives, the pain, guilt, shame, rejection of self, and all of these things are piled on top of what the narcissistic or borderline personality disordered mother has told you you were.... all while you grapple with trying to grow up.

I'm overwhelmed with compassion. Myself, still incapable of having a long-term relationship because of my inability to trust, attach properly, and feel secure. I am a believer in healing, I work diligently at it - but I still find myself pondering if I will ever be able to totally heal. I intrinsically knew(although she verbally told me) my mother did not love me. I could feel her distain for me... and by age 10-11, I was asking my dad why Mommie didn't love me. Of course it was denied, but being the intuitive that I was, I knew better. I HAD to know things - it was not safe in my house to not to know what was going on. I was so in tune with my mother, I think I was in my 20's until I unhooked the emotional umbilical cord. I had a nervous breakdown at 21, and attempted suicide.

I've got to help these women. Somehow. I just don't think that I can rest, until I do. There are so many broken humans - I have to give of what I have learned, else it has been for naught.

Shame is a nasty entity. We still shun and hide the things that we are ashamed about - because that's what the shame tells us to do. It can only keep living in the deepest, darkest places in our lives. It fears exposure, because it knows that it will cease to exist once it's brought into the light. We give it so much power in our lives, and it tells us with it's devilish voice that it's much more than just an emotion -- and we allow it to control us. I know, I was a shame-based person. I used to fully believe that I didn't even have a right to exist. It controlled my every thought, my every action. I cannot convey in words what lies those were. Darkness cannot survive in the light. The two cannot coexist - it's impossible. The power of the pull to keep secrets is strong, but secrets keep us so very, very sick. Sick and separated from our fellow man.

We were put on this earth for each other, we are "the brotherhood of man". There have been times when I was counseling when my client's did not believe in themselves-- nor a power greater than themselves - they just didn't know how yet. I would tell them, "until you can, you believe that I believe for you, and about you." An it would oft times get them through. Sometimes on shaky legs and broken hearts - we just need to know that someone cares. This generation is far removed, it frightens me. However, I'm still a believer, even after all that I've been through. I'll never loose hope. It's just not in me. I hope you feel the same way. I hope you have someone that you can count on, no matter what. I hope you have a dream. I enjoy sharing my thoughts/life/hope with you all. I don't feel as alone. I'd love to hear from some of you. Cause I know that you hear me.
Regardless -- shed light on some of your shame with someone and watch it disappear. It's so beautifully freeing. I have faith in you --- and God does to.