TRASHY GOSSIP

Gossip Trading Cards: Creepy Dad

Viewing Joe Simpson through the filthy looking glass of celebrity gossip, he appears as the Creepiest Dad in Hollywood. You won't find this term printed in the tabloids, but bloggershave no problemspointing outtheir perceptionof Jessica and Ashlee's daddy/manager. Papa Simpson elevated his own level of creep straight into the stratosphere a few years ago while speaking of daughter Jessisca's ample assets. This little gem came a'tumbling out of his mouth: "If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in
both. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!"
Not the words you'd expect from a former Baptist minister. Shudder.

On top of that, Joe has adopted the slick (and often hilarious) fashion sense typically seen on aging men in Hollywood. This means wearing expensive silk shirts with bold images of fire breathing dragons and hotrod flames, oversized jewelry, and complicated jeans purchased from hip youthful boutiques. If you're going to ogle boobs, you may as well be dressed like a clownish strutting peacock.

This is first of my collection of trading cards based on Hollywood archetypes created from gossip-inspired folk tales. I'm doing a set of 25 and all will be posted as soon as I finish each one. Medium: graphite and ink on board, digital color.

Nathaniel R from The Film Experience was kind enough to post an interview with me and you can read it here. His cinematic musings are much more interesting than my blathering nonsense, so do be sure and check out his blog. Also many thanks to TMZ.

Joe is the KING of the creeps --- Neither of his girls graduated from High School. They got GED's so he could get them in their careers early. He would do ANYTHING to sell his kids and get money and power in Hollywood. He doesn't care about their relationships, their happiness, just pimping for the almighty dollar. Momma Tina should leave his butt!! It looks like Ashlee might break free, but Jess isn't strong or deep enough to do that.

HE IS creepy! Talking about his daughter's boobs, sex life and giving her some kind of "hymen protection ring" when she was a teen as a promise to save her virginity for him.. I mean.. err.. her future husband. (poor Nick to suffer the wrath of that man for stealing his girlfr..I mean, his daughter away.. for a couple years anyways.)

From Pastor to Pimp 0-60.
In the very beginning I saw him for a creep. He gave Jessica a sort of wedding ring and had her take a vow to him. She promised to remain chaste until marriage...until then she was HIS.
Religion SUCKS!

Hey chill out! It was just a comment about what a hypocrite he is and not damnation of all Christians. Besides, you should read what people who call themselves devout Christians write about Angelina.

Another bulls-eye with this one! He does look like a Hollywood style white pimp doesn't he?

I am old enough to have kids in college but I will never be old enough to have my dad either see me in a revealing outfit; let alone even think about my cup size. That just is too creepy and suggestive of a father who looks at his daughters in a very sick way. Ever notice how bland his wife is ? She definitely doesn't wear diamond studs the size he wears and you never see her with him at social functions. It is always him and Jessica .

emma
you are the heir, the beneficiary, the descendant of all those xtians of 2,000 years
...with the ascent of emperor constantine there was only 1 christian sect for close to 900 years....and all others split off from there....

it has everything to do with xtians of today who come off holier than though/ self righteous..."we are the answer to all woes" when in fact for 2,000 years they were the instigators of all the world's woes

You are their descendant...their heir....you reap the benefits of their actions....you enjoy their wicked fruit

To think if Emperor Julian the beloved of apollo had lived only a few more months to finsih his work....then christianity would have floundered and the world would have been totaly different

But NO>>> A xtian!!!! had to stab Julian in the stomach killing him so a pro xtian emperor could come to power and end Hellinism, burn the library of alexandria and thus plunge the world into the dark ages, setting us back 1,000 years technology wise.

and then on top of that the catholic church...only xtains at that time....called Julian the apostate and lied about his death saying a roman Emperor the head of the legions stormed off to fight the persians without a breast plate and that was how he was stabbed in the stomach.....when a common legionare would have been crucififed if they went to battle without their proper armor on....ABSURD....for the emperor to have done such

when all serious historical evidence and logic points to a xtian murdering 1 of the greatest emperors of ROME. Julian the restorer.

Oh what wonders we would have seen . we would be at least 1,000 years more advanced than we are now...knowledge and learning would have abounded...the library of alexandria would have survived....the dark ages would have never come about....the barbarians would have faced a wealthy (instead of impoverished because of the thievery of xtian bishops), strong, inteligent (the library of alexandria would never have been burned)ROME!!!!! and the barbarians would have been turned back and ROME would have survived to civilize the entire world united under PAX ROMANA the peace of rome....ROME had hot and cold running water plumbing for crying out loud while xtian dark ages europe said bathing was vainity and thus evil, they had forgotten how to make plumbing because they burned all things from the pagan times.....PAX ROMANA where religous freedom was allowed (under the pagan emperors except nero, but he was not the norm) and cultural freedom allowed as long as one accepted rome as head of all.....instead of the destruction of all religions and cultures that was not the same as they in the path of xtian barabarians....Pax Romana that allowed any race to become full citizens of ROME with all benefits if they earned the right........Pax Romana would have stretched into our day and many atrocities and horrid wars would never have happened...the holocaust would never have occured etc... Julian tried to restore the temple in jerusalem for the jews....hitler millenia later as a xtian said "my lord and savior demand I war on the jew"

You benefit from such hypocricy

you reap the benefits of those xtian's actions...you are responsible as their heir....

as julian the restorer said in his own writings about christians "men who claim peace and humility in one breath and kill in the next are at least the greatest Hypocrites in the world" for 2,000 years xtians have been murderers and thieves...and as their child you inherit from their atrocities

(so as to not be labeled just an anti-xtian....islam is just as bad...though younger and thus less time to comit as many atrocities....)

You're going to put the blame for every mistake in the history of Christianity on today's Christians? First of all, are you even aware of the different sects of Christianity that exist? Not everything you're referring to applies to Christianity as a whole. Things such as the Crusades all the way through the present-day scandal of sexually abusive priests - these things have NOTHING to do with the worldwide community of Christians. They have to do with misguided people who were given a position of power and chose to abuse it.

I'm a pretty devout Catholic, but I'm not sitting here preaching that all Christians are perfect. No one's perfect. There have been tons of popes in the history of our church who were off their rockers and did all sorts of lunatic things that weren't exactly allowed. And yes, a percentage of priests in the United States have been accused and convicted of sexually abusing young children.

So, does that mean that every Christian in the world is partially at fault? Does that mean that I should accept blame for the actions of popes in the 12th century who made outrageous claims and burned people at the stake for being heretics?

Goddammit. Now I'm gonna hafta consider retiring all of my retro shirts because of this unconsciously-quasi-incestuous pustule. There's really nothing like a middle-aged parasite,dressing years younger than he should.

Hell, you can practically smell this oaf as he emits swirling whiffs of Ben-Gay and shitty designer cologne, like Pepe Le Pew dragging along a visible stink cloud.

Like a fine wine aging in quality oak barrels, this illo's worth the wait and then some! I'm gonna need Depends to keep from peeing myself in anticipation for the rest of your new ones...

try 2,000 years of xtians massacering whole nations who wouldn't convert, think thousand in this past deacde alone of priests and preachers who mollest people, and the money grubbing hands of preachers and priests go all the way back to the beggining.....

Julian the blessed of apollo (361-363 ce)when trying to reconvert the roman empire back tp hellinism/ paganism was adament about christian ministers not recieving tax exemption since no pagan priest in rome ever did. He was adament about returning all the property stolen by bishops etc....

2,000 years of history shows xtians on a whole to be corrupt and disgusting hypocrites......not just a few bad apples

Grady, Grady, Grady --hey, isn't Grady Flemish for "Dave"?-- you know that old bumpersticker that reads "Christians aren't perfect -- they're just forgiven."? Yeah, I thought Pride was a Deadly Sin 'n all that, but apparently not when applied to the heathen. No one cares what version of God you do or do not worship, but if someone has a creepy interest in his daughter's funbags while hiding behind a holy "better than thou because I believe in the RIGHT imaginary pal"...well, they deserve to be made fun of. Flause or not.

He is scary I'm thinking he is giving his daughters money to have plastic surgery to look like their mother in her younger years. As lng as he dosn't land a part in a casino movie or with snoop dogg I won't hate him THAT much.

Morrigan tries to blame Joe Simpson type preachers for leaving Christianity, but that's such a crock. Most of them are NOT like that, and if you really were a Christian, and came up against someone like that, you'd go find a different church, not leave the whole religion behind. I get so sick of hearing that crap from sanctimonious people who don't even know what the religion is about if they think it's represented by the few bad apples (and who knows what he was like when he actually was a preacher--maybe he was nice and not a creepy weirdo like he is now, who knows that?) who get all the attention. Also, see how Kristen got jumped right away for a typo (because no one ever makes typos!!! gasp!!!) and I'll bet it's really because she mentioned she's Christian--yeah, you're right girl, everyone does have flaws, but Christians apparently aren't allowed to. You're fine.

Hey christian Kristen, WFT are flause? I tried looking that word up and got nowhere, maybe it's a new one meaning (n) two or more orange-skinned bimbo daughters who are famous for being famous.
Or maybe it's a new word for jowls.
Or maybe it's the smug odor of sanctity emitted by former Baptist ministers in the sin-drenched alleys of Hollywood.
I'm working with a process of deduction here, but none of these definitions fit "everyone", so help me, won't you?

Everyone has floss, (and FLAWS-or flause)too, but not everyone uses it. And furthermore, it is a dis-service (that we don't diserve) (LOL, sorry-I am making fun of someone's typos) to us to have to see Jessica Simpleton every dang time we open a magazine thanks to this skeevoso.. :-/
14- I am certain you are familiar with the famous quote, something like, We get the culture we deserve.
well, at least we get YOU!!!!
xo

14.... do you sit there and crack up laughing when you create these hysterical pieces of work? I cannot imagine you being able to keep a straight face! Congratulations once again on your continued success!

A fruit so swollen with juice, it longs for the prick of a knife? Interesting and beguiling .... I enjoyed your interview. Now you have me curious about "Cremaster". I am such a philistine. Tom and Cruise are two things that don't go together - I totally agree with you - let's just think about all the meanings of the word "Tom" not to mention "cruise". Ew!!!

You really have captured the essence of this nasty man - a man who pimps his daughters- you can't help but wonder if he tried to fuck them. His two fingers - the two fingers- they have that "we've been inserted in a lot of orifices look". The man is disgusting. I just can't help but wonder how the Simpson's got this far and why? My cats are more talented than these mother fuckers. If the Simpsons can conquer Hollywood, than my precious evils should as well.

*screams*
OK so i was just innocently gazing into his eyes and musing about how CREEPY he looks....and then i noticed his hands!
Man are they creepy! thery are kinda crawly and fingery and searching and downright scary. Thank you for pointing out to me how creepy a cartoon hand can be

SO TRUE......about Joe Simpson! What a poser! This guy was a Baptist youth pastor for years....& now he's his daughter's manager/agent. And what does he do to promote his young talent? How does he showcase his daughter's God-given talents? OH, let me count the ways: multiple cover shots in MAXIM, having her stuffed into the underpant looking "daisy dukes" while sliding all over a soapy car. Yeah, Joe, you're a real class act. And Mr. Simpson...do you not realize that the diamond earrings and your designer jeans look RIDICULOUS on a 50+ yr old man (& former Baptist pastor??) He looks like a wanna-be. Next thing you know he'll be putting out a rap album with K-Fed. I can just picture it....he'll have a reality show to capture his new relationship with Federline. This guy is really a piece of work - and so are the daughters. All they care about now is Hollywood. They left their Christian, humble roots in the dust the minute they started making it big. Talk about forgetting where you came from.

We all know people like him that are not celebs, they are just normal 45 year olds who think they are hip & cool, dressing flashy/sexy/trendy (which only serves to highlight their age and inappropriatness).. But he, being the Dad of someone whose fame he cultured like a discount pearl, feels so entitled to the spotlight, and is therefore, deluded and 10 times skeevier.
But a refreshing change from Baby-itis.

Such a sleaze, that man. (not skeevy though. Skeevy would be young Vilmer what's his butt, known for deflowering Hollywood's finest...a true cherry poppin' dandy).
There are days and photo angles where I can't tell Papa Joe from Dan Quayle...is that wrong of me?