Majority of this blog is about adoption loss. I am also the Mom to a 21 year old son and a 16 year old son. I am fresh out of adoption related topics so I will use this blog to write just about whatever is going on in my life and may throw in adoption and reunion in here when the urge hits me. I recently went thru a bad divorce. I know it was quick but I found love and that has brought me much needed happiness. I may write about my relationship at times.

Friday, December 31, 2010

I had many changed in 2010. It was a really great year. Of course it had it's ups and downs but what year doesn't.In February My step daughter had her baby and by marriage that makes me a Grandma. It took some getting used to use the term grand daughter. I had issues of feeling like I was stepping on my husband's first wives toes. I feel more better now. I feel like babygirl can't have too many people loving her and looking out for her.

In March, My youngest son turned 10 years of age. That is a pretty big birthday and he continues to have gains in his education.

In May, I received an Happy Mother's day message from Izzy. I believe this is the month that I started volunteering for MELD. MELD has been a life changing moment for me.

In June, my client at the time, canceled and I found myself with zero hours. I filed for unemployment and collected enough paychecks to be off about 7 weeks.

Late July, I went back to work for another client.

In September, I celebrated my daughter's 19th birthday with outings with my husband. I was able to send her gifts and it was the first year that I didn't cry.

In October, I met my daughter for the first time. She is beautiful, amazing and smart. We have a lot in common.

Late November, I seen her again. My oldest son turned 16 years of age.

December, I really really enjoyed Christmas so much more than years past. I was able to buy for Izzy but we haven't met yet to exchange gifts. We will soon.

Read this http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/40853908/ns/today-entertainment/ And I dare anyone to try to tell me that MTV is looking out in the best interest of the young Mom's, Dad's and parents. Drama sells. They are either being pushed into acting crazy or they are screening trying to find the crazy ones. What is going to happen to the children of the teen Mom's when they grow up and have to stigma all over them from growing up in the spot light. I hope they sue MTV ass off and end up owning them. Shame on you MTV. You disgust me.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

That is all of the gifts that was bought with mostly money raised from donations. I want to thank everyone one more time for the donations. I could have never pulled that off without you. Buying the gifts and wrapping them and imagining the looks on the childrens' faces was part of my joy this Christmas season. I hope my sons learned about giving and not thinking so much about receiving. I hope they start to really be thankful for what they got knowing that some children have much less. Thanks again for all the support. I will leave the donate button up should anyone ever feel like they would like to give to MELD but I won't really be asking. Also, please don't think that because I talk about MELD that I am hinting around for it. I know that I will still support MELD and still talk about it. It's been a big thing for me. It has helped me feel like I am doing my part in keeping young Mom's and their children together.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

So, in the last few days, I read all of this blog. I wanted to blog more deeply about the show 16 and pregnant and the fact that another young girl choose adoption for her daughter.I can feel Ashley's pain. I haven't watched any of the show 16 and pregnant except for the episode from when she had the baby and gave her to her aunt and uncle and went back for her.I admire her so much. I can't imagine letting her go and getting her to only let her go again. It must have been so hard, but at the same time. She created memories with her daughter. Also, I hope by her taking her time to have her daughter home that she will look back on it and know that she tried.

I am a little confused on how 16 and pregnant works.. I have recently learned that the Mom's get paid to do the season. How long do they have cameras around them and how is it decided what scenes to go with. I know shows want ratings and I have a hard time believing when they pick the scenes to show that they are thinking of the best interests of the Mom's and their children. I think it would be about the bottom dollar and drama gets people to watch it.

However, I don't have any first hand experience with MTV. Are they seeking out women to choose adoption? I don't mean all the girls, but is it a set up to want to have at least one choosing adoption and show all the drama from those raising their children. First off, anyone with a newborn, I don't care what age... will feel stress, lack of sleep and just a huge shift of a life style.

I think MTV was so wrong to watch Amber abuse Gary and film it and not make an effort to do something to stop it. Maybe, things could have been different if MTV treated the situation different.

I worry that the cameras following around a expecting Mom considering adoption would just add to the outside pressure to choose adoption. It sure can't help anything. When it came to the first couple, Tyler and Catelynn, I didn't think they showed the emotional side of adoption very well. However, in the one episode of watching Ashley I seen the emotional side and plus it helps to read her blog. I get that pain. I understand the feeling of wanting to die. I really do understand those deep feelings of wondering will life ever feel worth living again. Like I said, I admire her strength and her honesty.

There is one thing that I always repeat when it comes to women choosing adoption. They seem to want the perfect family for their child. I understand that. Who doesn't want it to be perfect. The stay at home Mom and both a Mom and Dad. I really do understand women wanting to give two parents, but I don't always get the strong desire for the Mom's to stay home. I understand that can be the ideal situation, but the majorities of couples raising children together can't provide that. I worry about women choose adoption and years down the road having children and hopefully being married but I worry how they will handle the situation if they can't afford to have one parent stay home. How would they tell their child that they gave away their brother or sister so they could have a stay at home Mom and they are not staying home with their children born after that.

I guess I don't get the drive for a stay at home Mom because I have always worked. Sometimes, I have gotten away with only working part time and for the most part, we try to work different hours and not have too many babysitters. Actually, most of the people that have ever watched my children have been family. I know a few other good Mom's and Dad's that work and rely on babysitters. I know, through blogging, several adoptive Mom's that work outside the home. So, I just hope that women today are not setting their standards too high. You can be enough for your children.

Maybe, I would feel different if I had actually choose adoption for my daughter. Again, I have a lot of compassion, respect, and just admire Ashley. I won't pretend to know what all goes behind the scene on 16 and pregnant and teen Mom but I do know that it does worry me some. However, at the end of the day. I can't do anything.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Just a couple days ago, I found this blog. It made me spark an interest in 16 and pregnant again. I will be honest that I haven't had cable to have access to watch it but I got a little disgusted with MTV when I heard that another girl had placed her daughter for adoption.

So, I checked out the MTV hours and went to the ymca and walked on a treadmill for over an hour to catch an episode of 16 and pregnant. It just happened to be Ashley that I linked her blog too. I have some thoughts about the show and some of them are just emotionally based. So, I may or may not go into them another day.

I am kind of happy for the spark in my interest again because I need another motive to work out and this will work. I need that time to myself.

I just want to leave you with a message that came on the commercial.

They showed an black male running up to a school and approaching two children with lunch sacks. He is sweating and out of breath and hands them their lunch. Then, he drops the food out one bad and breathes into it.

Then, the message says that you don't have to be a perfect parent that foster kids just need parents or something to that matter. Sometimes, I feel that some women are placing their children for adoption because they want the perfect parents. You don't need to be perfect. Just be you.

Monday, December 27, 2010

A bug game. I chose this game for a 3 year old. I admit that this gift and the ones to come, I really didn't have a child in mind. I mean I had a name but I couldn't think of who the kid is. One of the next children maybe the one that came in only a few times. The first time, he cried no matter what I did. He was a very heavy child so it wasn't possible to carry him around, but I tried. Even when I would set him done he would follow me and cry. Finally, I got him to work on puzzles and he stopped crying. So, the next time he came in and cried only for a minute and worked on puzzles. I can't be sure who got what anymore. However, I picked this game because it's one of those early games that mom's can play with their children.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

A little farm set. This gift is for this little girl about a year and half. I always know she is coming because I can hear her crying before I see her and I say I can hear my (girl's name) coming in. She likes to be held and I wish I had more time to do that. This last ten weeks I have been the one juggling the young babies so my helper has been the one to comfort her more than I have been able to. She is such a cutie. Of course, you all know that I tend to favor the girls. It's weird though because the newborns boys were not on my list. So, I don't know what happened to them. I hope all is well with them and their Moms.

Friday, December 24, 2010

I have really had a great time this Christmas season. I feel like I actually did things that felt like Christmas before the actual Christmas morning. I decorated two trees with my sons compared to one. We put up lights outside. My son and I made a ginger bread house and we made homemade cookies.We made a homemade gift for my sister and today we are making another one. Buying the gifts for MELD has really been a great enjoyment for me this Christmas season. I just loved it. It's really been an experience that I will never forget. I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas. I will leave you with a couple shots of the bank we made from a coffee can, scrapbook paper and photos.

A cute little soft feeling pant and shirt outfit and a teething book. It's for a little girl about six months old. She has only been coming to group with her for the past ten week session. She is a really happy baby and I enjoy her.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Mr. Potato head. This gift goes to a little boy who is just a little over 2 years of age. He is at that age that his language skills are growing fast. He has been coming really regularly for the past 3 ten week sessions. It has been fun to watch him grow. This boy has always played really well, but I fear that the behavior of the older children is affecting him. I really hope that he doesn't get too wrapped up in watching the bigger boys because he was such sweet kid.Both my kids had Mr. Potato head and he provided good times and it's really a good learning tool for learning about eyes, ears, noses and well you get my point.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A 4 pack of soft blocks and a pair of Dora Pajamas. This gift went to a baby girl about six months old. I believe I have only seen her a couple times. The Mom's don't have to bring their children with them to group. You will probably notice that most the girls are getting clothes too. I admit that is because it makes me feel good to buy girl clothes. I find it fun. I like to imagine the little girls wearing them.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A ride on toy. This is the same toy that if my memory serves me right that both of my sons had. I could be wrong and it was just one of them. Well, anyways, this toy is for a boy of just a little over one years of age. He can walk but it's that cute baby style walking like a duck type of deal. He plays really well and doesn't cry much. When I seen this toy it brought back sweet memories of both of my sons. That's why I think they both had it. He can walk behind it or ride on it. The seat doubles as a door for his toys and it makes sounds to annoy his Mommy. When I seen this toy, I just had to get it for him.

Last night, I had the gifts all wrapped and in bags ready to go for tonight. My husband said that he was really proud of me. He said that it seemed like a god idea but didn't really know if I could pull it off. He says he can see how excited I am about it and he bet that I would play with the gifts again before I dropped them off.I tried to be strong but I had to do it. I cleaned off the table and put them all together and took their picture so you can also see them all wrapped. I am sorry that it's not the best picture.

Monday, December 20, 2010

My friend gave me a really nice diaper bag to donate and it gave me the idea to fill it fill of baby goods if I had enough money to spare from what was raised. I won't probably get a picture up of it because my camera died and I want to deliver this stuff tomorrow. So, please for this one gift settle for the description of it.

I gave the guy who runs the MELD group to pass the diaper bag on to a new Mom and it should go to one having a boy.

So, this now will be the 13 days of Christmas because this is a gift to a new Mom for her new baby. I again want to thank all those that helped me with the donations. I also gave the new Mom a Christmas card giving her a brief history on why I put the diaper bag together for her.

It is my hope that I can do things like the diaper bag again. I don't mean by asking for donations but just here and there buying items and a couple times a year put together a bag for a new Mom.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A memory game for a boy who is about five years old. I remember good times playing this game with my sons. He has only been coming for this last 10 week period. I imagine he be starting school soon and I think this will be good practice for sitting down and working on something other than hyper boy energy.

Hey all... sorry I haven't posted anymore pictures of the gifts. My son is with his Dad and he wants to help and I really like that he is excited about giving gifts to others. Sometimes, kids get stuck in the mode of what's for me. But my youngest is about the giving.Last night, I worked and my client was invited to a Christmas party that was basically for Christmas carols. She brought her harp and one was on the piano. They was a couple other instruments. The people without anything to play was suppose to sing and we sung about every song you could imagine. It was a really beautiful night. It reminded me when I was a kid and I would swing and sing We wish you a merry Christmas.. lol probably really loud and off tune. haha. and it reminded me of the time that we went to the nursing home as 5th graders and did Christmas carols.So much as changed since I was a kid. The school still does Christmas programs but God forbid if use the word "God" in a song because it's not Christmas Carols anymore it's a winter program.Today, we are decorating the tree and I am taking my son to church for a Christmas special.I have a few holiday things up my sleeve. I really want to do somethings that are for Christmas besides the gift buying part. After all, ten years from now they won't remember what I bought.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The first girl to steal my heart at MELD was this sweet little girl about 1 1/2 years of age. She is two now. She was the first girl from MELD that I got to hold and cuddle and care for. She is a gentle girl. Likes to be held and comforted and I never mind doing that. I haven't touched the money that was donated yet. I personally wanted to use my money to buy for this special girl.I will post each child's gift just like this. All of it's own because while she is my favorite they all are getting a gift because of the help given from Santa's helpers. excuse the dates on the camera. I don't how to fix it. Not in the picture is my stuffed care bear because I wanted her to have something besides the clothes.

Stay tuned in for the next week or so of an overload of pictures of gifts. I will probably show you all the gifts wrapped and not wrapped. I am thinking of calling it the 12 days of Christmas since I have 12 children to shop for. I kind of got a jump start of shopping for my favorite girl. She has a dress and an outfit. I haven't even started to spend the money that was raised yet. It just feels so good to give to others. It feels even better knowing that these are young Mom's who really probably could use the support. And who doesn't like when someone buys their kid a gift.Thanks again, for all the donations. I couldn't be providing these 12 kids with something extra for Christmas if it wasn't for all of you.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I recently left a comment on this blog. I tend to read her here and there. It's not one of my favorite blogs but sometimes I do like to read what she has to say. Sometimes, I agree and sometimes, I don't agree.One thing that I really try to do with blogging is see adoption from all sides and keep an open mind. There are somethings that I won't budge at and that's my final answer. There has been somethings that I have came to a better understanding of because of blogging. One thing, I try to never do is choose not to publish a comment because I don't agree. If someone can and chooses to be respectful then I publish. Rarely, do I reject comments.I liked the story of the most recent post but to imply that adoptive couples should have dogs to make sure their children get unconditional love is just plain being overly unwilling to see any adoption in a positive loving way. I said something to the point that I have believe that adoptive parents love their children just as much as if they have given birth. I don't think they love them more or less. It's not what I have to believe but what I strongly believe in.While, I agree having a dog in the household is a wonderful thing and to adopt one from the shelter is awesome, but to suggest that the only way the child will feel loved is just horrible.

Off the subject, I wrote an email to my friends and family asking them to donate to MELD because of the 12 children. I said if I raised 20.00 from them that I would match it. My Mom donated the 20 and now I have raised 145.00. Awesome!!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

12 kids were on the official list. I never see 12 kids. Dang! That is a lot of shopping to do. I will have fun but I wasn't expecting that many kids. If 12 children came to group at once I would have to run out the other door.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hey all.. Christmas is coming on quickly. We haven't done much decorating except for lights on the fence. I should be putting up our tree but that would involve moving furniture around and my tree isn't doing it for me this year. Oh and I can't find the stockings.. how is Santa going to leave us goodies if we don't have stockings.

I haven't done any shopping yet. Going to start that within a couple days. I have a question for you. Every year, I decide on a dollar amount to spend on my kids and split in half. It tends to be about the same every year. For once, I have a something in mind for my oldest son. My husband tries to talk me down to spending much less money on them.

How do you made decisions when it comes to the budget for Christmas gifts. I pretty much won't budge. Maybe, I would take his thoughts into play more if he was throwing money into the gifts. He isn't and that's okay. He just isn't into presents. Well, he will do presents off and on during the year and not just because it's Christmas or a birthday. I am the other way around. I tend to not give gifts at non holiday times. Just wondering how you deal with conflicting thoughts on what to buy or how much can be spent on Christmas presents.

Friday, December 10, 2010

I put in the request to transfer the funds that was donated for MELD. It will take a few days to transfer but when it does I will get started on buying the gifts for the children. I am thinking about throwing all caution to the wind and using it mostly on gifts but then I go back and say that I should use it for items that are on their wish list of what is needed. Anyone have any thoughts on what I should do?

I won't ask for donations anymore but I will keep the donate button should anyone ever feel like they want to give. You know if you strike it rich. Or you find that gold at the end of the rainbow.

I would like to thank everyone again very much that donated money to me to use for MELD. I stepped out on a limb and hoped that I wouldn't get my feelings hurt if no one choose to donate. I lost count on how many people gave. I think it was about five people. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to give.

I would like to thank the people who thought about giving and just didn't have the money to give. Times are tough. Not everyone has money to give away and some people already give to other organizations and I understand that. So, thanks to everyone who gave anything to those in need. Even if it was only a dollar in the Salvation Army Kettle.

I will be postings pictures of before I wrap the gifts and after I wrap them. Thanks again and I promise you that you helped someone in more ways than you know. You helped the children and their Mom's and also you will give me some fun when I shop for the children.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I called MELD to find out more about the Christmas party. Santa will be there and I am so going. I can' miss Santa and I am honored to celebrate Christmas with the Mom's and their babies. He did say that it would best if I didn't bring the gifts because there is 3 groups that meet so I would only be bringing for 1/3 of the kids. So, that gives me more time to dream up what I want to get them. I am thinking a card for each Mom telling her Merry Christmas and telling her how much I adore her child. Then, of course the present for her kid. I am having a blast just thinking about it. I suppose I should get working on it. He is suppose to send me a complete list of the names to make sure that I don't forget anyone. Plus, one little girl wasn't there last week and I so can't spell her name.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

You were my first love. I remember that bright smile and your laugh. I haven't seen you in many years but I feel that we share a connection. We share our daughter. Do you still think of her? Do you even know her name? am sorry because I don't remember if I gave it to you or not. I was really afraid of an custody battle to get our daughter away from her parents. It wasn't personal at that moment. I just couldn't risk uprooting her from her family that she had been with. Oh how I wish things were different and we were able to watch her grow. She grew up without us. Do you still think of her as a baby? Or do you count the years? I have met with our daughter twice now. She is beautiful! She has the brightest green eyes that I have ever seen. She has beautiful dark curly hair. Her smile lights up the room. I am getting to know her. I am not her Mom, but I love her just the same. I hope I can continue to see her and get to know her better. She has graduated from high school and is going to college. She really likes to challenged when it comes to education. She works too. She is everything that I have dreamed her up to be and more. I wonder do you still think of me? I really don't see you in my daughter. I mean as features of hers. Then, again, I only knew you for about a year so maybe somethings I just didn't notice about him. I am really sorry that you haven't been able to meet her. I think you would like her.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Tonight, was the end of my 3rd ten week sessions of volunteering for MELD. I asked the girls that came tonight to write down their children's name and ages so that I could buy them a gift and not mess up on the spelling of their name.

I received six names but a couple of the kids that were there tonight haven't been there too much of this ten week session but in the previous ones. Little E was there. I have blogged about her before. She is a doll. She is so on my list. Little Z wasn't there but not going to forget her. I guess I am going to end up buying for probably about ten kids.

I was told that next Monday there is a Christmas party for them and it sounded as if I was invited. I have to call and get details so I might be actually able to hand the gifts to them.

I read an very interesting story of a man who later in life found out somethings about his past that he just didn't know. It's not the common theme of baby being given up for adoption and then a search and reunion.

I would tell you all about it but then if you wanted to read it. I would spoil it for you. It's called Elenor's Rebellion A Mother and her son's secret by David Siff. At times, I found the book a little boring but I stuck with it and I am glad that I did.

My husband and I used to fight really bad. I didn't think we had a future together. Our marriage was spinning out of control. If we divorced it would be a second divorce on both of our parts. I had just about given up hope and wanted out, but my husband wasn't willing to go. I don't know if it was because he still had hope or because he was stubborn and wasn't going to leave the house or my son who we raise together.

We used to fight about money. We fought about children. We fought about adoption. Adoption was probably the number one thing that caused me the greatest pain. I felt as if he didn't understand me and wasn't on my side. I felt like he was rejecting my daughter before I even found her.

It hasn't been an easy marriage. However, our life has really turned around. He quit drinking about a year and half ago. Slowly, he has became a different man. Well, not totally different but more responsible and has been able to tone some of his thoughts down. Adoption still can be a touchy subject for us. Sometimes, he wants to debate it. I can only do that for a few minutes and then basically, I feel like I am right and just don't want to talk about it. It's hard to be logical when emotions are involved.

He used to give me a hard time about my daughter's scrapbook. I don't know why. There were moments where I slept with it by my side. I was afraid he would destroy it. It's not as if he ever said he would. It was just my fear. He has really changed. He actually helped me flatten some flowers in a book because I wanted to use them for the scrapbook. I joke about if something like a fire happens save the scrapbook and while it may seem like a joke. I really mean it. Don't let it burn. It would be a great loss if something destroyed it. My husband is really getting how important it is to me. He suggested that I pay for someone to scan the book and make it into a digital form. It's a wonderful idea. If I do that. I can always have the book. I am so attached to it that I been afraid that I won't be able to give it to my daughter.

My husband is a grandfather. Babygirl is 10 months old. She is so adorable. So, my marriage, I am a grandmother too. I have been helping out her Mom and Dad by babysitting for her the last few weeks. I really love it. She is fun to be around and I love dressing her in pretty girly clothes. It's fun to go buy her something and change her into it.

My husband continues to try to connect with my older son. It's not easy getting along with a teen. I am very happy with how things are going between them. I just wish I could get my sons to stop fighting with each other. I guess I can't have it all.

I am in a reunion with my daughter. It's a dream come true. My husband has been pretty supportive of this.

I know he probably doesn't take the time to read this but if you do check in. I am crazy in love with you!!!! You make me feel special. I am so happy that you didn't walk when I was pushing you away. You are so good to me.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Your so beautiful. I can't express that enough. You have beautiful eyes and hair. You have a bright smile. You have a twisted sense of humor like me. Your a sweet girl. I don't know if you can fully understand how much that I love you. I am crazy about you. There are no words to describe my love for you.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Meld video gave me all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings. If you haven't watched it yet. Go do if you would like. It says things better than I can say them.Like I said, in a few posts down that sometimes I think expectant Mom's facing pregnancies that were not planned for have to high of expectations. I think some of them scream low self esteem. They want someone better than them. Someone that appears to have the perfect life and guess what? No one has the perfect life. Not even adoptive parents do. I like the video because it shows the support that is given when it's not been given in the home life. They give them the encouragement that you can do this. No goals are too big. I hear the girls talking about how they want the best for their child. I think young Mom's and Dad's can be what is best for their child. They can do things to better themselves even while they are raising their child. Will it always be easy? No. But look at those sweet children and tell me that it's not worth it? I personally know they are worth it. Young Mom's doesn't have to mean adoption. I am not trying to be anti adoption. I am just speaking from my heart. Having a child young does make you grow up. You can't change that. Even if your child is placed for adoption you still grow up fast. I think quite a few birthmother's are married within a couple years of making an adoption plan for their child. I don't know all the reasons for this but I can say for myself that you just don't feel like a kid anymore. Suddenly, hanging with friends doing stupid crap isn't so appealing.

So, I guess what I am trying to say You can be your baby's Mommy. You are good enough. Sure, there will be struggles but who doesn't. Even adoptive parents struggle with their newborn babies because being a Mom is hard. But it's worth it. You can do it.

I am so proud of the Mom's that been coming into group. I am watching their children grow and watching them grow. I am all for them.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Sometimes, when I read the birthparents blogs that are pretty new at being a birthmom and they list their reasons for choosing adoption for their child. I think I am 34 years old and I don't even meet the requirements to raise their child. I have the two parent household but my household needs both of us to work. Sometimes, through the years, we were lucky and work different shifts but also really lucky that we had a Grandma near by who would babysit for us. My youngest son is ten years old and while some people leave their ten year olds home alone. I won't do it. My husband works days and I work mostly second shift and once a week 3rd shift. My son spends a little time a couple times a week at my husband's job. We make it work.

I am pretty sure my daughter's adoptive Mother worked outside of the home. I think it's a reality of the times we are living in. I know I have witnessed other adoptive Mom's dreading having to work but do it because they need the income.

Are people just too immature to see that their expectations might be too high? Are there any adoptive parents that had to decline a birthmother because she expected the stay at home Mom and it wasn't possible for you? Maybe, immature isn't the right word. People haven't lived life yet. Is it possible that they have a dream and the reality is that most people don't get it that good. Does it make you less of a parent if your a working Mom?

And to the birthparents, circumstances change all the time. If you choose adoption because you firmly believe that you want your child not to be with babysitters how will that make you feel if the adoptive parents for one reason another need to have both parents working?

I am throwing this stuff out there because if anyone considering adoption come here, I would want them to ask themselves these questions.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

This past week was a little rough on me. When I buy clothes for the babies and toddlers at MELD it picks me up. So, I did just that. I almost always buy things from the places like the good will and salvation army. I only buy new items when I see a really good deal. I handed them a bag full of clothes yesterday. I just buy a few at a time and then give them away. I thought it would be fun to take a picture of them. Excuse my mess on the table.

Monday, November 29, 2010

I have decided that in one week from today, I am going to pull the money that has been raised for MELD. Through blogging the total amount has been raised is 105.00 I don't add money to the account like I wanted to at first because it wouldn't let me pay myself. I did buy gently used clothes here and there for MELD. I have had to really work hard on not buying all girl stuff, because girl stuff is so PRETTY. But it's more boys than girls. If anyone else would want to donate to the organization now is the time to do it. I won't seek donations after this last chance call. I will leave the donate button up should anyone ever strike it rich! lol My plan is to split the money up and use half on gifts for the six to seven kids that show up on a weekly basis for Christmas presents. With the other half, I will use that to buy items from the baby section of the stores. Examples, baby bottles, wipes, pacifiers, bibs, baby lotions, soap, teething rings, rattles or any other baby related item.

Again, I want to thank everyone who even considered donating. I know sometimes money is tight and there just isn't enough to go around. Also, thanks to everyone who did donate. It's been a great experience for me. I will put the funds to good use.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I have been working on my scrapbook for Izzy for two years. I been after this aunt of mine for two years to go through her pictures and get some copies of my grandmother to me. One, I want it for the scrapbook and two I just want them for me. Both of my grandmother's died before I was born and I would love to see what they looked like. My aunt is the oldest living child left and hasn't been too well. So, I kind of gave up asking until I found out my Dad was going to see her. I figure between my Dad, his wife and her and her daughter that someone could look through the photos and copy them for me. My Dad refused. He said my aunt isn't well enough to do it and he wouldn't know for sure if he was looking at his Mom or his grandmother. Huh? Is he telling me that she has pictures of my grandmother and my great grandmother? And we can get them another time. It's just feel like an excuse after an excuse to me. I am about ready to give up. He says that the next time he is there or maybe I can take a trip to do it, but what's going to be the excuse this time. It wouldn't do me any good to go through them, because I wouldn't know who I was looking at either. It is really making me sad. I have nothing to show that I had grandmother's. I feel like they are denying my requests to even see a picture.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I remember last winter, I believe it was in February and the pastor was talking about taking the focus off yourself and put it onto others. From that I quickly made the move to contact MELD.

I got into volunteering and haven't stopped. It has really helped me feel better about myself plus it's fun to hang around little children.

So, I thought why not raise money for them.

As of yesterday, I had raised 30.00 and was stayed really happy that people cared enough to help support my desire to donate to them.

Did I ever mention that I have a lot to be thankful for? I do. Some of you know that I been keeping something BIG from this blog. I still not wanting to go all out and talk about it on here, but trust me when I say it's GOOD!

Back to the MELD. I checked my email today.

I found something that just amount made me jump off the couch.

Do you really want to know?

You sure?

It's awesome news!

Meld had received another donation.

In the amount of 75.00!!!

That brings the total that I have raised through my blogging to be 105.00 plus countless clothes that I bought for them.

I am so thankful for the person that donated any money to MELD. It means so much to me. I am even more so thankful to the person that donated the 75.00. It blew me away. Thank you again for your support.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Don't be afraid to talk about your child and adoption. Make sure that you have at least a few people that you can talk to. Write letters to your child and save them.Create a scrapbook. If your getting pictures. Hang them up but save copies in safe places. Don't let your family pretend it didn't happen. Don't deny that your child was born. Check into counseling if you need it. It's not a sign of weakness. Go on a regular basis. Be open and honest with boyfriend's husband's. The saddest thing that I read once was a man that was contacted by his wives grandchild. She was the grandchild of the daughter that she placed for adoption. She lived her whole life and never even told her husband or kids. Tell yourself everyday that you are good. Adoption didn't make you a bad person. Create something a special way to honor your child on his or her birthday. I kind of treat my daughter's birthday as an excuse to treat myself to a day out.

If anyone else has any suggestions on what to tell a birthmom in those early years please feel free to suggest it. I think some of the things I mentioned might have given me less of a stuggle over the years.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I seen a big printed statement on the back of the GO section in our paper. It was from Lutheran services thanking foster parents and adoptive families. Where was the thanks to the people that choose adoption for their children? Do the children just appear out of thin air so there isn't much of a reason to thank them.

It's sad in this day and age the birthparents are so easily forgotten.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I am calling out to the bloggers that scream anti adoption. I don't mean to offend you all but I see all the posts screaming about anti adoption and it's inspired me to call you to you to ask you to donate to MELD. They offer shelter,food, clothing, educational and work assistance. Even more so than all that, they help keep babies with their Mom's. These are Mom's who had no where else to turn and if not for them. I would say that some of the MELD Mom's would have had to choose adoption. If someone has no support and no options then it's adoption isn't a choice.

I am not anti adoption nor pro adoption. My daughter joined her family through adoption and is very happy and willing to get to know me. I couldn't bash adoption all around, because I have grown as a person and understand that sometimes it's just has to be.

However, I do believe in family preservation.I think adoption should be a last option. I don't think there should be stereo types that if your single you can't be a good parent or if you don't own that perfect house that you should choose adoption. I won't say that all a baby needs is love because anyone that has ever raised a baby to toddler stages, knows that it's not cheap. However, there are programs and you can find good used baby materials and equipment. I admit there are a few things that I wouldn't go used. Number one would have to be car seats.

So, I am asking that if your screaming anti adoption and you want to do something more than you are already doing to make things different for the generations to come. Click on the donate bottom and donate to MELD. I know it's not nation wide help. It's basically just my area and the areas around it. Women have been known to come as far as a few hours a way to get a place to stay with MELD. I would have happily left my town for a chance at raising my daughter. So, donate to this cause. It could be as simple as giving a buck or two. (the price of a cup of coffee) or maybe your feeling generous and want to skip out on ordering that pizza and want to give ten or more.

I believe all if not most of all the people that have donated have been adopted parents. Correct me if I am wrong.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I made the mistake of giving my Mom the wrong phone number. She actually called to today and still isn't doing well at the tragic loss of her dog. She said to call her sometime. I will because I believe in second and third chances with family but I am not sure how many chances a person should get. I suppose I will call in but I don't and won't accept a relationship on the terms of her never calling me.

She still makes me nervous. While, I was talking to her my aunt called her. This is the same aunt that chose not to mention that she seen my daughter and tell me anything about her. I understand protecting privacy and not telling certain things but never once did she try to express that my daughter was alright. I know that my Mom and her can't control Izzy but I still have my fears.

Last night, at MELD went pretty well. We had the two newborns again, but one slept the whole time so that made it easier. I was able to feed and cuddle the other little guy. Also, was able to set him down and interact with the bigger kids. There were a total of seven kids and three of us adults to watch over them. The child that screamed almost the whole time was so much better. He likes to work puzzles and that got one of the older child who is easily influenced by others to do puzzles too. The child that is the biggest and was causing most of the uproar is calming down a little more each week. Since, I use time out's now. He has been controlling his behavior better. He still does some of the bad behavior but corrects himself a lot better now. He doesn't like time out. I try really hard to interact with him and not just notice the wrong things.

Monday, November 15, 2010

It's not to late to throw some money towards MELD. Thanksgiving is coming up. I think I get a break because of the holiday. I know I have a lot to be thankful this year. Do you? So, far I have 30.00 for them. Can we make that 40.00 by tomorrow night when I post about how my night of babysitting went. It could be ten people giving one dollar or one person giving the ten or two people giving five. You know the math. Thanks ahead of time. haha. Now, you must feel guilty because I know that it will happen and you wouldn't want to me be sad, would you?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I haven't worked in my scrap book in ages. I really need to work on it some more and finish it. Maybe, I worked best through the tears. I just can't get into the right mood for it. Maybe, it's because I am afraid of finishing it and then giving it away to Izzy. It was always my goal to give it to her but there was also a possibility that I would never get that chance. So, maybe, I put so much into it that it scares me to give it away. Maybe, my pain was so deep that I am even afraid of sharing it with her. That makes me feel silly, because it's not like I made a depressing book. It's full of art. It's full of family pictures. It's full of my creativity. It's no where near done. I have more ideas and things that I want to include in it. It's hard to explain. I have been protecting this book for years now. I have said that in the event of a fire, I will get the book. It's not hidden away in a closet. It's in a bin in the living room. It's can't not be replaced.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I have been seeing quite a few blogs lately that really is bashing adoptions. I get that there is a lot of pain involved in adoption. I don't have to be the first to tell you that. There is pain in all areas of adoption. I wish it wasn't true, but it is. I am trying to channel my pain in other directions. Volunteering for MELD has been a big self esteem pick me up. I can't express how much it has changed my life for the good. Blogging has done so much for me. I have found people who I really connect with. Having another birthmom to actually talk has done me a great deal of help. I always felt so alone. It's not that I want people to hurt like me. We all know that misery loves company but I am not that mean. I have been able to learn more about adoption from adoptive parents. I used to HATE adoptive parents. I thought they were all bad and didn't keep their word and wished the birthparents dead. I am finding that some are very open to open adoption and some do honor open adoptions. I have learned from adoptess. I have talked to ones that do not feel sadness and those that do. I feel bad for the ones that do and no way am I saying that they shouldn't write what they wish. I just never could really express 100% anti adoption views on my blog because well that is how my daughter joined her family and I would be afraid of how she would think of me. My daughter is beautiful and I love her. Do I wish that things had been different and I raised her? Yes, but that wasn't my reality of life and she seems to be satisfied with life. Will I sugar coat adoption loss? No, but I have to think of my reunion. I can't get back yesterday. Yesterday is gone but I have my today's and tomorrow's with my daughter. I can choose to cry about yesterday or rejoice and live for my tomorrows. I am seeing better days.

I seen my Dad hanging with my sister at the restraunt near my house. So, I decided to stop to say hello. She asked me if I had talked to mom. I said that I had called and emailed her and hadn't heard back from her. I asked how she was doing, because she is my Mom. She said that she seems better and my Mom had mentioned that she was going to call me. So, I will wait and see if she does. Right now, I am on the fence with her. Do I continue with things the way they are. Basically seeing her once or twice a year even though we live 20 minutes of each other. Or do I just point blank ask her what I did wrong? I think I know what I did wrong. I struck out in anger on my blog that my family reads, but hey I think that I had the right. I don't know if I could ever forgive my Mom for making me walk away from my daughter, but she is my Mom. It pains me to feel the rejection. When I see her with my brother and sister, I get jealous. When she drives 12 hours to see my older sister, I get jealous. I guess sometimes I just want her to think of me. Maybe, we have too garbage between us. I don't know. Like I said, I am on the fence. Walk away and accept it as it is or maybe we need to have it out.

Monday, November 8, 2010

I try to take my youngest son with me to volunteer for MELD. I love seeing him do his best to try to help out with the children. Sometimes, he can be too strict. He is like the kid police. I would never leave my ten year old alone with other children, as in babysitting, I think he would tie them up with rope. haha. I am just kidding. Well, about the rope but not about him babysitting children.

Tonight, was a little smoother than last week. I have decided the wild child and I mean that in the nicest way possible isn't going to make me run from this program. After all, he is just doing what kids will do. Push and push and see how far they can get away with doing things. So, we are using the 123 magic and basically putting him in timeout and he doesn't like timeout but he understands why he is there. So, I think if he continues to have a consequence for his rough behaviors that he will calm down.

I had two babies that were newborns. I would have to guess less than four months. They were still new newborn clothes. The helper wasn't feeling well so he didn't want to get around the babies. So, I was trying to manage two babies at once. This isn't an easy task. But oh is it ever some sweet moments feeding, holding, playing with these babies. I sat on the floor by their car seats so I had a safe place to set them down when I needed to switch babies. I ended up mixing up blankets and one baby had the other babies pants on and the other baby fell asleep before I could get the wrong pants on him. So, I did goof up a little but hey it was innocent. They were boy babies so none ended up in a dress.

I hope the babies come back. I love it when I see the same Mom's and babies, because I feel like I can give better care and also just get to know them more.

The grand total for MELD is 30.00. That doesn't include my donation because I am just buying clothes or small toys for the children . I am impressed with the donations. It makes me feel good that others care enough to help. I hope that number continues to grow but even if it doesn't, I will be proud to present the money to them.

I called to find out what week we are in the ten week session for MELD. It's week 7. On the last week, I like to get the kids a little something. I am thinking some coloring crayons and a book this time around.I am ready for the two week break but I won't give up on MELD. I know it's a good program and while I love it when I have a great time. I know it's not all about me.

I had my 4Th person donate to my cause and will add up the total tonight. First, I am asking does anyone want to be my 5Th person to donate. It could be as simple as donating that cup of coffee or skipping out on fast food. You know it's not good for you anyways. Or, if you have clothes that your children are no longer wearing you can send them to me. I will pass them on. It's your choice.

Thank You to all those that have donated so far. We only have about five weeks left. Yikes! Thanksgiving is around the corner and Christmas isn't too far away.

This is part of adoption that people who are not touched by adoption just have a hard time understanding. Honestly, I have a hard time explaining it but I will give it a try.When you carry a baby and give birth.. it's love at first sight. It's an out of this world experience. I think when we are pregnant, we know we will love our baby, but until you give birth and see, hold, your baby. It's just a breath taking experience. A moment in our lives time that you will never forget.

It's true that birthmother's do not know the relinquished child in the same way that she does children that she raised. But the out pouring love from our hearts is the same. When are children are sick or hurt, it causes us great deal of sadness. I believe we feel that same sadness if our children that we didn't raise were sick or hurt. There has been times over the years, that I felt that my daughter was sick or hurt. It's a Mother's gut feeling. Is it always right? I suppose it's not. If it's the children that were raised by us.. we can figure it out right away and calm our nerves, but if we have no way to contact our birthchildren then the feelings are often hard to get rid of.

I love all my children. I love them all the same. The only difference is that I wasn't able to express my love to my daughter, but it was there. It's been stored up in a bottle waiting for her. She now knows that I love her and hopefully she understands that I will never leave her again. I am in it for keeps. She is my daughter in all ways, but I am not her Mom. However, I am my sons Moms and I was able to give them my love. I was there for them. I still love them all the same. I would lay down my life for them all.

I also have been blessed with two stepchildren. The bond isn't the same as my three children born to me. I didn't raise them and I know a lot of people might think that is strange that I use that as excuse. I didn't raise my daughter either but I spent 18 years loving her from a distance. When it comes to my stepchildren, I didn't even know them until they were about 18 years of age. I love them. It's more of the kind of love that is there because my husband loves them. So, sometimes when people ask me how many kids we have, I like to say that we have five kids between us.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

My little sister called me to tell me that our Mom's dog got loose and was killed by two dogs. She was still alive when they got to the animal hospital but the injuries were just too severe. It would have been thousands of dollars with a slim chance of making it. My Mom loved her dog like many people love their animals. It makes me sad just thinking of it, because it has to be so sad.

I feel torn. Do I be the good daughter and run to my Mom's aid even though she hasn't really been the good Mom. It's not a easy thought process. Either option causes me a great deal of sadness. I feel like my Mom has checked out my life and just isn't really someone that I can even think of going to. She has showed me over and over that she just isn't able to emotionally handle the stress of being a Mother to me. She can't even seem to be a friend?

I called her and left her a message and told her how sorry I was that it had happened and that I loved her. It's true. I love my Mom. It's just she doesn't seem to love back or know how to get past her issues. It's such a sad thing.

Friday, November 5, 2010

When I started blogging, I never imagined that I would actually talk to someone on the phone that I had met through blogland. Somehow, I found this blog and when I needed it most she reached out to me and we have talked on the phone more times than I can count. I consider her to be a very good friend of mine and I am sure someday we will meet.We both have a lot in common that we both lost daughters to adoption and at the hands of our Mother. Our stories are not all the same but she has been a lifesaver to me.I have been gaining the ability to talk to people about my daughter. It's not a easy process but I need to be able to speak because through talking maybe great things can come.Last week, I mentioned the coworker who's friend Mother had made her place her daughter and I gave her my number and said for her to call me.Tonight, the co worker said that she plan on giving her the number tonight. She also went on to say how the birthmom talked about how it might have been if their daughters could have been playing together had she kept her. She said, she told her to not talk like that. I told her, in a nice way, that telling her not to talk is probably the worst thing you can say.She was like really? I said, yea, you basically dismissed her feelings and that is hard.

So, I am hoping that the birthmom will call me and I can pay it forward and reach out to her. I would like the chance to be that special person to her. I hope that in being more open about my birthmother status that I can educate people even if it's the smallest way.

Lastly, birthmom1986, I think your awesome! You have no idea on what your friendship means to me. Your story of your reunion with your daughter gave me something to hold on to. It gave me hope for better days ahead. And better days are here!

I haven't been counting the weeks of going to meld this time. I just show up every Monday at 6 30 pm. This will be my 3rd ten week session of volunteering my time. I am debating call it quits for now. I have just been struggling with the older children. I really want to experience the pleasure of playing, holding children while I am there. I don't want to just be the person that is on them because they want to rough handle the toys, throw the toys, climb away. I want to hold the little girls, feed the little babies and even make sure the diapers are dry so when momma gets them home that she has less to do before bedtime. Does that make me selfish?I know that I shouldn't let a few bad weeks make me quit a good thing. I honestly enjoy being with the children. I just don't want to feel like it's work. I want it to feel fun.I have a paid babysitting job on Sundays for a church and that is only one or two children and it's so easy, but my heart has always been with Meld.I take care of the elderly for a job and taking care of children is so different. It's fun. I am wondering if I should apply for a part time job at the Ymca.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I never really heard of such a thing until blogging. I was there was a birth control awareness month and be nice to birthmothers awareness month and Dad's have rights awareness month and don't be in such a hurry to grow up awareness month.

I have a few thoughts that I would like to throw out there to honor this month.

First, soon to be adoptive parents when the child is born that you hope to adopt... let the Mother have her time in the hospital. Even if she says that she wants you there. Give her the that time. Let her know that while you want to be there for the baby and her that you really should give yourself this time with your baby. Love on him or her and say your hellos and goodbyes. Don't let your fear that they might change their mind trick you into hogging the baby.

If you saying open adoption is what you want then have an open adoption. Treat the birthmother with the same respect that you would want if it was you. Keep your word. Don't sit on information about the child's birthparent or pictures because the child hasn't asked yet. don't make them ask. Make adoption be there normal. There is no reason why a grown adoptee shouldn't know that they have sisters or brothers out there when the information is within their reach.

My oldest son who lives with his Dad but we have joint custody. It means equal rights. He calls me and says that he is sick and needs to be picked up. The nurse gets on the phone and tells me tha I am not on the list to get him and I have no rights to him. (to pick him up) I need to get my ex husband or ex mother n law to give verbal permission for me to do so. The ex husband is in class and won't leave and my mother n law has to take a long bus ride.This ticks me off so bad. I refuse to call and make someone give me permission to get my son. I had/have one child who I am the mom but not the Mom and I refuse for it to be that way with another one.As of right now, I am close to giving in and asking them to give the permission up so I can just get him and take him home to rest but it just stings. Also, this is the reality of my son wanting to live with a father that won't stop working or whatever he is doing to take care of a child. Oh and he drives a moterized bike and wouldn't be able to get him anyway.

I have I told you enough times that I just find you so beautiful? Well, you are beautiful! Your eyes are just stunning. I love the way you smile. I love you so very much. I wish that I could have been your Mom. I would have loved to see you grow up and be there for you every day. I am not your Mom and that's okay with me. I just want you to know that I am here for you. If you call my name, I will come. I promise you that I won't ever walk away from your life. I am here for good. Did I tell you that your beautiful? Sweet girl, you are beautiful. I couldn't have asked for a better daughter. I know the real term of who you are to me is birthdaughter but I don't like using it. You can be my daughter without me being your Mom. That's just how I feel. I love you baby girl. Now and always.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The last couple sessions of babysitting for Meld hasn't been very easy. It's been downright hard and not fun. The whole three ten week sessions there has been a older child of 3. All the others have mostly been either under one. (not too often do I get babies but we do sometimes) The average age has been over one but walkers and beginning of talkers. This is the age that I like. The older boy does okay as long as he is the only older boy, but the few weeks there has been another older boy even older than him and they are running around like chickens with their head cut off. They are throwing toys, being rough with toys and climbing on things. Then, the toddlers see the behavior and if I am lucky play on their own or if I am not lucky smacks one of the wild children in the head because they can't throw as well.My helper (he is a guy) was great with just the one older child but hasn't been good with two or three of them. Then, last night, another older child got dropped off and he cried the whole time. It didn't matter if I held him or rub his back or talked to him. He would cry. If I walked away to stop the stuff going on with the others, he would follow me and cry.Finally, I got him to sit on my lap and we did about five puzzles and it was nice. I want to play with children, but it's just not been fun.I did end up putting the oldest of the bunch in time out because I just had to get some control of it. Meld has been such a good thing for me and I hope it continues to be.

I took them this bag stuffed with baby clothes and some toddler clothes and the guy who drives the van took the clothes back with them. I hope they can find babies that can use them. It's so fun buying them.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

If your a reader of my private blog and haven't checked it out in a while.. if you have time go do it.

Also, I talked to a coworker about my daughter and she told me how a friend of hers Mom made her give up her daughter for adoption and how she is having a hard time. It's been less than two years. I gave her my number and told her she could have her friend call me. I don't think I have all the answers but maybe I can be some help to her even if it's just someone to talk to that knows what it's like.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I have been dealing with some sadness and crying... and more sadness and more crying... I won't get into why I am sad or why I am crying but I just had to share with you how things are so different now with my husband. Before, if I was sad, it was better for me to try to hide it or not express it because it just wasn't good.

Now, I can say, I am sad or I can just be looking down and he tries his best these days. That could be trying to tell me that things are going to work out. Or it could be giving be a hug or a kiss or it might be something as simple as share some cinnamon rolls together. Even though, I am gonna cry, I am so happy that my husband is treating with such care and compassion.

About the Meld Fund Raising... Pay pal wouldn't let me pay myself and I am just horrible with putting money aside so when I give totals I am just going to give totals that was raised through the blogging. That is twenty dollars and I still plan on hoping to get more but if not I will give that or more out in December.

What I am going to do for my part is just buy the Meld kids clothes. I already do it but been buying mostly baby stuff. I asked the worker do I bring the clothes to her or the home and she said her and the girls can look through it. Well, honestly, I haven't been buying clothes for the babies that I take care of.. it's been mostly newborn stuff. So, today, I went and spent 15.00 on clothes that I think would be more likely to fit them. Also, I will be honest with ya.. I get more of a pick me up just by going and buying them and playing with the clothes. So, I hope people will continue to donate and if not that's okay. I am impressed that I don't have to blog about how not one single person reached out to help. I can say that three people reached out to help and for that I thank you.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My ten year old said, it's been really windy the last couple days and I wonder who is doing it? I said, "who do you think it doing it?" He said, "maybe, the devil, he wants to (makes a noise with his voice and kind of signals something breaking with this motions. Ok, you had to be there.

But is this when I am suppose to tell him that it's God and he is a good God and he never leaves us or foresakes us? These winds are pretty dangerous.. down wires, trees and stuff? So, if a tree falls on our house then it's God's will. blah blah...

I have never really taken the time to talk to the adoptive parents or the couples are waiting to adopt about how much it means to me when I see that they have either linked my blog to their page or another birthmom's blog to their page.

I think some adoptive couples are closet readers.. shhhh don't want people to know that I am reading the other side.. or maybe some adoptive couples have zero interest in reading the other side and that makes me very sad. I found a lot of comfort from learning for adoptive couples and it's been good to read from adoptees too. Sometimes, it's a hard read especially if they are sad, because it makes me feel bad. Their birthmom (could very well, be like me) made a decision that made them sad. For those that are sad or hurting because of adoption, I am sorry.

Well, anyways, it makes me happy when I see adoptive couples or waiting couples willing to not only read birthmoms blogs but to link the blogs to their page. I have to wonder do the ones with the links to birthmoms in open adoptions or desire open adoptions for your child and your child's birthparents? ...... and the ones who only have adoptive couples blogs linked have closed adoptions or only desire closed adoption... do the blogs of those hurting... cause them too much guilt? Guilt because you gained your child through adoption and haven't come to terms with how to deal with it yet.. or guilt because you want to adopt and forget the birthmoms?

So, tell me... am I correct.. if you link birthmom's blogs.. can you tell me if the adoptions are open or closed? And if you choose not to link them.... can you tell me if it's open or closed?

Again, thanks for those that do. It shows me that your willing to learn from others and that makes me very happy. Also, when I see how much your love your little babies and kids... it makes me feel better about someone else loving my daughter as much as I do.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It's been a year since you first wrote me. Well, a year tomorrow. I can only imagine how much of a surprise it was to get that first message from me. I really thought long and hard about do I or don't I send that letter. I have to admit that the having you at my fingertips was too much of a chance to let pass by me.I can't imagine how it would of felt if you chose not to write back. But you did, in your time, write me and it's been a out of this world experience to what you look like and to learn how well you are doing. I think you have great parents and I am happy to have found that out. I don't know how I could have handled it to hear that they didn't treat you well.I dream of the day that we can meet. It will be awesome. I am so happy that you have trusted me into your life and taken the time to get to know me. You are connected to your brothers through FB too and I love it when I see you talk to them. It was so cool that you just had to notify me because my oldest had a skanky girlfriend. In that moment, it felt like a big sister watching out for her brother. You probably notice that I don't use the brother/sister word too often because I am just not sure what the future holds and I want to protect my kids. I let them decide on what to call you. Well, anyways, I think you are a beautiful, funny and smart girl.Love always,

Sunday, October 24, 2010

I don't talk about my reunion with my daughter because I want to protect her privacy. But I am going to try to write this post without crossing that line.

Adoption created a lot of self esteem issues in me. It makes me second guess my role as a Mom. It doesn't just stop with my raised kids. I feel that I have carried some of my self esteem issues and guilt into my reunion. It's mostly things that I feel or don't feel. Sometimes, I feel like if I write my daughter that I am bothering her. I feel that I don't deserve her. I feel that I need reassurance from her that she won't just stop talking to me. I don't express these concerns to her. But when sometime goes by without contact, I get nervous and when I hear from her again, I can breathe again. In a way, I feel like you almost reverse the role of Mother and child. Like, I need reassurance from her that she will still be there. It's kind of sad.

Don't get me wrong. I am in a much happier state with having contact with my daughter and I try to respect her and understand that she might not have the same desires of constant communication. Plus, she is a teen. Who wants to be in constant contact with anyone besides the boyfriend.

Sometimes, I am scared that my Mom could or would do something to keep my daughter from me but when I try to get rid of the thought.. I think what could my Mom say or do to make my daughter stop talking to me? I don't know but I still can't even bring myself to even tell my Mom that I am in contact. Maybe, I am not ready for that. Maybe, it's that I don't wanna share. My girl!

I have my fears that my ex husband would love to try to get my younger son to live with him. Ya, know, he is the cool parent who gets him a cell phone to talk and text on and wouldn't let him bring it home. Probably, because he knows that I don't think a ten year old who is never alone needs a cell phone. Besides, the fact that he will lose it. I told my husband my fear and he said that Stephen will never live with his Dad. He promised me that.

I love my husband very much. It was our 3rd wedding anniversary . Yesterday, he paid off the doll that I had on layaway. I love to collect them and dress them.

Back on the subject of reunion, I am happier. I just wanted to blog out in the open and let people know that reunion is good but it doesn't solve all the issues that adoption created. I hope I did that without telling too much information on Izzy. It's not that she reads this but if she did. I would hope she thought I did it in a respected way.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Next Sunday, is my husband's and mines 3rd wedding anniversary. The people that have been reading me all along know that to get to that point and be happy not something to be taken lightly. There was a time that we were only together because he refused to move. We used to fight and fight and there were times that I would have liked to beat him silly. I know physical abuse isn't a laughing matter but either is alcoholism. It was rough.I am happy to report that he has been sober for a year and half now. Also, that we have turned our failing marriage around to what I consider a very happy one.My husband used to really get me going on adoption. His views and thoughts were so different than mine and he didn't have a problem trying to pound his ideas into my head. Not literally. I remember countless fights over adoption and just being so hurt.Most of the times, we can talk about adoption. Sometimes, he emails me things and we do it in email. Once in a while, things can heat up over it. It's such a touchy topic and while my thoughts have matured and I have a better understanding of adoption of some fronts of it. There are some parts of it that I can't budge.I am very happy with my husband and so proud of him. I am not sure what the key was to our turning a failing marriage around. If I knew all the answers, I would sell them to you. I think it was a little bit of marriage counseling, quite a bit of his quitting drinking and some of my own counseling and soul searching that I have done on my own.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I had a strange dream. One of the Meld Mom's had a baby and it died and she was carrying it out to the car. Weird. I know. Well, anyways, in my dream, someone mentioned that the baby was going to be put up for adoption so I don't think they understand her being upset.

It got me thinking though. Say, someone brings home a new born baby and it dies of SIDS or some other illness before the adoption is final. How does that work? Do you still do an adoption on a dead baby? Or do you get another one? I know that sounds so shallow. Are they out tons of money?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Any one read Reader's Digest. It told a story of two young girls that were adopted by American families. A few years later, by seeing a picture on a board of some type they discovered that the girls had a twin. It was an very interesting story on how the girls just knew they had a sister in China and when they met the bond was instant.

Edit: The name of this news story is "A bond so strong" Written by Susannah Meadows" Written in newsweek.com

Friday, October 15, 2010

Thanks for the comments about me wondering if children that were raised by birthmothers would feel jealous over items. Sometimes, my insecurities get the best of me. It doesn't help that my oldest son has expensive taste. It's not as if he wants everything but he wants things that cost quite a bit and it can be frustrating.I can see how some kids might be jealous over a reunion and how the child placed for adoption could do no wrong. All three of my children are on FB. I expect more out of my son than I do my daughter. I will tell me son what not to post but it's not the same with my daughter. I can't tell her what not to do. It's not my role.Cambell made a good point about how when her adoption was done that it didn't cost as much as today. I am going to take a good guess and say that would have been 30 to 40 years ago. So, people, my question is does anyone know when adoption went from not that much to the cost it is today? I am just curious.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I posted about a book called Even Now by Karen Kingsbury and one of my readers told me that there is a sequel to it called Ever After.I started reading it last weekend and at first I didn't seem like it carried the same feeling of being in the story as the first book but then it took off and it was a really good book. I am warning you though if you read this.. you will cry and if your reading this and you have any unresolved emotions floating around in your heart, your going to really cry hard.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Is it safe to say that most adoptive parents have more money than birthparents? I admit that I don't have a lot of money. I have enough but I don't require a lot so I just as satisfied with what I make. Well, most of the time I am.Sometimes, I wonder if my sons who I have raised will be jealous of the child that was placed for adoption. Last week, my son that lives full time with his Dad, said it was home coming as I was driving him to my house for the weekend. I told him you know that you can skip the weekend for something like that, right? Well, he went on to tell me that Dad didn't have the money for him to get something nice to wear. If my son had asked me, I might or might not have had the money. It would all depend on how much warning he gave me.It does leave me wondering if he or my younger son could get jealous of Izzy. He can see on FB that she tends to get more and has more money for movies and stuff. Then, again she is 19 and has a job.One example, is that for Christmas, Izzy got an item that probably cost anywhere between 500 to 800 or so. There is no way that I would or would buy my son something at that cost. But that doesn't mean that they don't get stuff. We just have different life styles and my son may not agree with mine. I don't go to the movies anymore than once or twice a year. I like movies, but I would rather invest my money on other things.So, I am wondering could kids that were raised with Mother's that placed a child for adoption grow up resenting them and thinking that they had the better life? Hell, if you listen to all the stuff about adoption..doesn't that mean adoption saved the child put up for adoption and what does that mean to the raised children. Could this be an issue on why some grown children don't want anything to do with the ones that were adopted out?I am not saying that they are/were right? But sometimes kids thought process can see things different and not always understand life. Hell, even my thought process can get a little mixed up.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The weekly total for raising money for Meld is 30 dollars. Thank you very much for those have chosen to give to the organization. I am really excited when I see someone else has donated to this cause. It doesn't take one person to give a lot but a few people to give a little. I am grateful to everyone that has donated or even considered donating to Meld.

Along with working out on a regular basis I have changed the ways that I eat. I didn't do it overnight. It's been a work in process. Some of the things that I have done may seem silly but it's been working for me.

I asked my husband not to put cookies and stuff in my hands. He had a bad habit of this and I had a bad habit of eating it even if it didn't really appeal to me.

I have a sweet tooth and instead of trying to never eat sweets I have just tried to find better choices to eat. A few examples are I stopped buying ice cream by the cartons and mostly just buy the ice cream sandwiches or bars. These are easy for me to control the calorie count and also I don't tell myself that the ice cream will go bad if I don't eat it. A box could last weeks and it's fresh still. A bad habit of mine was every day stopping to buy a cold soda even though I always bring soda to work and I would buy little debbie snack cakes or hostess cakes. They are about 600 to 700 calories. Now, I have broke the habit of having to stop for a cold soda. I do it only twice a week and now if I can't resist the urge to get something, I go for a candy bar which is normally under 300 calories. We used to buy the pastries when they were on sale and then we would eat them. Now, we pretty much stopped buying them. My husband and I have an agreement that we keep the cookies out of sight. He walks about 8 hours a day and can afford to eat more sweets than I do.

I don't deal with hunger very well. I had a really bad habit of stopping at McDonald's and eating there. I still sometimes have the urges to stop but I have been pretty good about not. I do eat at pizza hut sometimes, because my husband works there and it's free. But I eat about half as much as I used to.

When we make a cake, pie, brownies or anything else sweet. I don't think the same way anymore. I admit that I do have a serving but after that, I try to leave it alone. It doesn't matter if we have to throw stuff away. We feel like to bake something and throw some out is no different than ordering a cake or pie out and paying an high price for it.

I am getting better at eating smaller portions. I am listening to the full signal and not always eating all my food.

Up until this summer, I had a client that sometimes, I would go to get take out two to three times a week and would eat with them. I think it was a good thing that they ended their service with out company because even if you only eat half of the take out it's so much higher in calories.

I am not doing the emotional eating. Ya, know. Get into a fight with my husband and eat this or that. Or be depressed and use it as an excuse. It doesn't mean that I don't ever get sad but my first reaction isn't to eat something anymore. I suppose it helps that my husband and I are getting along great. Also, suppose it helps that I do have contact with Izzy even though it's not on my terms. If it was on my terms, I would have already met her. I think the fact that emotionally I am in a better spot really helps me stay strong and not to use food as comfort.

It also helps that my husband is always calling me pretty girl and saying how I look good and he is proud of me.

Last but not least, I think it helps me that I am not in a big hurry to lose all the weight. I want to lose it but I will not resort to any medication or quick fixes. When I weigh myself and see that I didn't lose any but remained the same, I take pride in the fact that I am maintaining the weight loss.

I still need to work on drinking water

I also need to start working some weights into my routine.

So, that wraps up what I have been doing to lose weight. That's from Mid April to now. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

From Mid April until now, I have lost 35 lbs. This is how I did it.

When the Y said they were closing the hot tub, I started going there as much as I could because I just had to use it while it was still there. This started a routine of Mon, Wed, Fri that I would go work out. It was almost no fail. If I didn't feel like it, I still went. I made the time, because I liked how it makes me feel.My goal is to be there for at least two hours. That was easy to do when I wasn't working during 7 weeks out of the summer. Now, that I am working, it's not quite two hours but I really try to get a good workout in. I do different things to keep from getting bored. I walk around the inside track. I have my mp3 player for music. I have the basketball players to watch. If I feel like getting some reading in, I ride a bike. If I feel like watching tv, I use the elliptical machine. All I have to do is plug in my head phones and I can choose the tv station. This is a treat for me since I don't have cable tv. The program on the machine lasts on 1/2 hour but sometimes I am so into what I am watching that I will reset it and go for another 1/2 hour. In June, I started swimming laps. I have always enjoyed swimming but the main pool has only certain times you can swim where the lap pool is open all the time. I am not one to usually say that things happen for a reason but the closing of the hot tub forever and the closing of the pool to fix the drains has made some positive changes in my exercise levels. I no longer just go once to three times a month.

I really crave working out. I believe it helps me keep a level head. I am more calm and relaxed and if I have anything bothering me after a good work out, I feel a lot better.

On the days, that I don't go to the Y. I try to walk my dogs or find another way to get a little workout in. But that hasn't been happening too much lately.

Well, I am just going to leave you with this part, because I have a very sore back and can't type too much more.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I made it to 35 lbs down. I will give you the run down on the changes that I have made in a few days. Right now, I am too busy bitching and complaining because I have lower back pain. I hope everyone is doing well.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Tonight, was my volunteer night at Meld. It was pretty normal. I was lucky enough to get two little girls in there tonight and got to hold one quite a bit and feel her soft skin rest on me. Priceless.

Then, the guy who drives some of the girls said that one of the Mom's was found dead in a van with a guy. He didn't say if it was one of the Mom's who come to the group or not. But he said as he was picking one up that has two kids that there was a lot of people out there. If that's the case, then two babies under two are without a Mom. It made me cry. Too young of a girl and too evil of a world.

The amount that has been raised for Meld in 25.00. That includes me adding my five a week. I still hope to be able to give them a decent check.

Friday, October 1, 2010

There is this news story going around. You can read it here. It's about a young boy who's natural father wants to raise his son and he was almost adopted and they been fighting every since. The father is going to win in this case and I am happy about that.I know it's not the story that I wanted for my daughter. I didn't want her to be removed from her home to live with you. It's not that I kept her from you though. You ran off and as a 15 year old, I freaked out and didn't name you. It was so easy. I am not bragging. I am not proud of this. I think it's so wrong that fathers are not getting a say in the adoptions of their children. I believe in my heart that you were not ready to be a Dad but it didn't mean that you had zero rights and for that I am deeply sorry. Where are you today? Do you wonder about Izzy? I am sorry that I said I was raped. I just freaked. I am so glad that she didn't grow up knowing that story of how she came about, because it's false. I hope your doing well. I am no longer afraid of you. I used to have night mares about seeing you again. I have been honest with my current husband so I am not afraid. I hope to see you again someday. I would like to know your side of our story.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I have made a life style change for myself and I am down 34 lbs. I am going to try to work something with my younger son because his favorite thing to do is watch tv and has this bottomless pit for a stomach. We were concerned and the dr things while we may need to make some changes that him gaining 10 lbs in six weeks isn't a big concern.I won't turn this into a weight loss blog. I am just not that brave. However, since I was about 30 lbs down, I said if I get to 35 lbs then I will try to explain my run down on how I made this change.

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About Me

At the young age of 15 years old. I had a baby girl and was pushed to choose adoption. I was uneducated and uninformed on how there are different types of adoption. It has been a long lonely road as a birthmother and forever damaged the relationship I have with my Mom. I write two blogs. One I keep a little more private than the other.