30 December 2009

Welcome to Becklectic Takes Manhattan's very first Best Of list! Past Best Of lists have been, dare I say, the cornerstone of the Original Becklectic Blog Series. (See 2004's, 2005's, 2006's, and 2007's lists.) I truly hope that you enjoy this, but even more, I encourage you to voice your own opinions on where you think I've gone really wrong or really right. Hey, it was your year, too.

Wow, that was the best intro paragraph I've seen this year. Best Intro Paragraph of 2009!!! And that makes the intro paragraph the winner of the Best First Winner of 2009!!! Two best ofs, that's amazing.

THE BEST "BEST OF 2009" LIST OF 2009

Best Car of 2009Ok, Gabe really cut it close this year. I mean, his inky black finish and glossy tortoiseshell interior are still as gorgeous as ever, but he's been acting like a complete adolescent for the past 2 years. So cranky. No battery is ever enough. If you roll down the passenger window, it won't ever come back up. Yet there's just something about him. Gabe Kotter, you stole my heart. Best '96 Camry of 2009.

Best Chanukkah Present of 2009The ice cream maker my brother got me! I am literally making my first batch of ice cream right now. That's right this second. Can you believe it?

I went blonde. Most Anticlimactic Hair Color Change of 2009.

My very best dog and little poochie brother of all time died this year. In a bizarrely wonderful twist of fate, I have been seeing schnauzers of all sizes all over the city, and even all-black ones, which are pretty rare, just like Sparkey.

Best Aborted Blog of 2009For about three days this summer, my friend Dan and I kept a blog. It was terrible.

Best Brooklyn Apartment Acquisition of 2009I'd say that with three bedrooms, a huge living room, a kitchen, 1.5 bathrooms, and a huge kitchen/living room in-between room, Tess of Curiouser + Curiouser fame will win the Best Brooklyn Apartment Acquisition of 2009. Which also brings me to the Best Informative Blog With Also The Highest Entertainment Value of 2009. It's C+C.

Best New Hobby of 2009All those crayon portraits! I like them. I still like them, that's the thing.

Best New Job of 2009My new job!

Best Dates Of Interest Predictions of 2009This is awkward because I didn't do any for 2009. Typically, I call out dates at the beginning of the year and then wait to see if I was right about something interesting happening. I mean, it generally works because everything I do is extremely interesting, but this is still mysterious and great. I think. So I'll be sure to do it for 2010.

Best Surprise of 2009Wow, 2010! That is 6 years after the year I hatched The Becklectic Blog Series out of nothingness. Wow! Surprise!

Best Dinner Plan of 2009Tonight's the night. Check me out: beef stroganoff and steamed broccoli. It really must be 2010 (almost) because steamed whatttttt? Old people have to be a little more careful about the fuel that they eat. That's why. Plus I'm undergoing the most disturbing taste bud change of my life.

Best New Comedy Pilot of 2009Foster's Kids, the hilarious tale of four twenty-something has-been child stars who must reunite when their tv father's will gives them joint custody of his set-replica mansion. Anybody want to produce a comedy pilot? Suits, are you reading this? Papa can you hear me??

I feel like there are more best ofs worth mentioning, so I'm leaving this open-ended until midnight tomorrow. The witching hour!!!!!

25 December 2009

Instead, we're skipping straight to the home movie conversion. I wish I could go back in time and talk to my brother and myself as cute little babies and pick us up and spin us around and do all the stuff that I remember liking to do whilst picked up, like flying. I guess that's what nieces and nephews are for. PS last night I found out that two of my cousins (really, one cousin and one cousin's wife) are pregnant, which means for the next five years at least we will be having Baby Christmases. Enough of these everybody-is-older-than-13 family get-togethers. Babies make all the difference.

While I was making mashed potatoes in the kitchen this afternoon, I was listening to npr (oh geez), and the main story was about all these homeowners who were slowly getting crushed by their mortgages, right now in particular. The story covered families torn asunder by job transfers, a guy who ate rice everyday and went without a cell phone for 5 years to afford a down-payment on his now-too-expensive house, and a few people who have decided to default on their loans on purpose. WOW. MERRY MORTGAGE.

In Georgia you don't have to pay tax when you buy a Bible, or at least that was true in 1984.

22 December 2009

Back home in the beautiful, glorious, soon-to-rise-again South, it's a sunny 42 degrees F. I didn't even have to wear a coat today! I must be a quite a heel because I spent the past week telling everyone in New York how cold it could get in Atlanta. Boy, was I wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Ever since my computer had to get wiped clean a year ago, my iTunes play counts have been super depressing. Finally, finally, I've waited long enough to observe my new most-played songs, which I feel must tell a lot about my overall personality. I don't know what it says about me that Cat Power's "Sea of Love" used to be my most played (by a large margin), but I swear I didn't get it from Juno. At any rate, now that I have a fresh start, my most played song (48 so far - that's 12 above #2 (a true most-played!!)) happens to be Roxy Music's "Mother of Pearl." This says everything. It says I watch how i met your mother (I first heard the song as it played in season 1 Ted's imagination when he was picturing his wedding with someone other than Robin), and it says I love Bryan Ferry (which is an ongoing effort). It says I like great music. It says, "Come listen to me again, Beck!" AND I DID, JUST NOW.

Also I went to 2 Targets today and made purchases at both. One of the things I bought was a box of 120 crayons for the low, low price of $6. There are incredible colors that I've never seen before in my old box (24 new ones, actually), and you're going to spend some time with the new crayons right now:

You may have noticed that keeping watch over the new crayons is a beautiful red crayon man sharpener. I assume he'll be a great asset soon. Here are the new and RIDICULOUS crayon names, left to right:

Shadow - slightly less black blackAntique Brass - like copper but more brownBeaver - I guess it's technically better than "Doody Brown," but how much better?Desert Sand - redundant. There's already one called "Tumbleweed" and nobody does desertscapes anywayFuzzy Wuzzy - perhaps they had to replace "Beaver II" with something else?Sunset Orange - indeedCotton Candy - not reallyPink Flamingo - I can't wait to make a 40 year old's lawnscape with this oneBlush - this might come in handy for portraitsPink Sherbert - my fave flave of sherb!!! Just kidding. I wish I liked sherbert. I did once. I will again.Razzle Dazzle Rose - my soon-to-be stage nameRadical Red - Joan from Mad Men's soon-to-be stage nameNeon Carrot - Carrot Top's soon-to-be...oh. NM!!!Piggy Pink - this is outstanding. The wax is so much lighter than the paper surrounding it that it looks like a super tanned woman with white lipstick on. It's SO MOD.Sunglow - probably goes with Sunset OrangeUnmellow Yellow - they uncall me thisBanana Mania - I might have called this Banana Mana. Sure, it doesn't make sense. Does Banana Mania?Almond - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Canary - like the paper!Electric Lime - is that redundant? Aren't most limes electric? That's why they taste the way they do. Everybody knows that.Screamin' Green - fehCaribbean Green - I'll give it a whirl (if I may quote Home Alone)Fern - fat chance! It won't get a chance to fern now that it's mine! Yeah?Mountain Meadow - that explains why there's a headstrong nun singing on the side of itAquamarine - like the jewel, I guess. But it's not like gold and silver and all those. It's just normal.Manatee - manatees are grayish blue? What I don't know about manatees astounds me.Blue Bell - this will probably look like Cornflower Blue. I haven't tried any of them yet!Outer Space - the darkest blue I've ever seen. I know this because I actually did try this one. I will draw at least three spacescapes with only this crayon.Purple Heart - did they get the military to ok this?Eggplant - makes a lot a lot a lot of sense.

19 December 2009

Today I finally watched last week's Saturday Night Live, and I get to watch a new one tonight - get ready for a double-header! Seriously, get ready because otherwise the potential for disorientation could be staggering.

After a Tiger Woods themed cold open, Taylor Lautner walked onstage and I thought to myself, "I have never seen this person before in my life." I hadn't, so I was therefore ready to give Lautner a perfectly unprejudiced audience. Then he did a back flip and staged the Taylor Swift-Kanye debacle the way he wished it had happened, ending with Kanye's head getting roundhouse-kicked off. I was extremely pleased. Then a bowstaff came out.

The first sketch depended on Lautner's unexpected rubberface for laughs. They were filming promos for all the Bowls coming up, and Lautner played a football player who couldn't handle looking at the camera. He committed in a way that reminded me of Taylor Swift's episode - while they're not comedians, they certainly earned their laughs. And a host earning a laugh is a thing of beauty.

Next came Kristen Wiig's "Ohh myyyyyy Godddd!!!!" lady. I enjoyed hearing a few new lines this time around and hearing about Wiig stepping on someone's neck offstage. It made me think of those old "Don't Tread On Me!" American flag prototypes. Then it was JENNY SLATE TIME and her big return happened to be in a show choir sketch whose best line was a death threat to this poor foreign exchange tenor after the principal grounded everyone. Detention-inspired death threats are hilarious. "I'm gonna kill you, Mikosh!!"

Things I Liked in Weekend Update:

Swanson's Tiger Woods Side Dishes - that's funny.

Nasim Pedrad is pretty great.

What Was Up with GAGA and The QUEEN of ENGLAND. Neither of them could have had any clue what they were doing there. When Seth Meyers is right, he's really, really right.

Cats trying on my clothes and checking my email!!!!!!!!!

When the second set of sketches came on, it remained the Jenny Slate Show. She and Lautner debated their sincere yet opposite beliefs in the Twilight Boyfriend Debacle. Someone was doing a miserable job directing the cues all night, and I made a note of it here but can't remember why. Then Jenny Slate sold some custom-made doorbells and it reminded me very much of a good, old-fashioned Fruit Paunch rehearsal: "Ding dong, Chanukkah house!"

Bon Jovi performed but there was absolutely no Jon Bovi present all night. And also no digital short, but they're probably just saving up for tonight.

And now, I leave you with my favorite part of the episode. I'm pretty sure it was "I'm gonna kill you, Mikosh!"

18 December 2009

Last night was the fourth installment of the first round of this year's Jeopardy! Million Dollar Celebrity Invitational. Let me tell you folks, they're going all out. Here's who's been on it so far (and the hilarious charity he or she played for):

So last night I got to watch Det. Stabler and Handsome Dan battle it out as Joshua Malina from who-knows-what just sat on the wall and did nothing. It was great! Obviously, Shearer pulled it out at the very end. That could be taken in two ways that are both apropos, but what I mean to say is that, despite Meloni's excellent game, Shearer will always win these games of wit. And by the way, with Shearer and McKean as winners, WE'RE HEADED STRAIGHT FOR A SPINAL TAP EPISODE. THIS IS NUTS!

Here's a reason to watch Jeopardy! these days: Alex Trebek is such a jerk. He overarticulates everything (as some Canadians are wont to do, I guess), then uses a mixture of condescendingly complete sentences and one-word variations on "no" to make contestants feel ashamed of getting a question wrong, or worse, not getting the question at all. I'll make a note to transcribe some of the things he says, but for now, I'll leave you with this close approximation:

Alex: This six-letter word for a literary pooch rhymes with a bird who ought to join Hair Club for Birds.

15 December 2009

Last night's himym was one of those plot-free episodes that literally could have been inserted anywhere, but I personally loved watching it last night. New York cold weather smoking, what a topic. I remember passing by all the freezing smokers on my way into my freshman year dorm and thinking, "You poor idiots, look what you've gotten yourselves into this time." Yet it's basically unavoidable for them, and as time has passed, I've realized that the only real alternative to freezing to death is literally to quit smoking in winter. Yet no one does quit, and our population thins as does the crisp winter air (with smoke in it).

I appreciate that himym figures out signifiers for the maturation process (buying the DoWiSeTrePla apartment, Barney entering into a relationship, everyone's gotta quit smoking sometime), then tap dances around those maturity points to give us laughs. It's much better than their old Seinfeldian phenomena nickname ruse (e.g. "relationshipphobia!" "relationship sweater") because, while both tacks are recognizable to our real lives, I personally prefer my television shows to represent ideals that I can aspire to. I want my life to have a first real apartment, a first real career-related job, and a solid end date to all my small vices. And with the himym gang struggling towards and achieving these milestones, it feels like I don't have to be as worried that those points will never happen. So thanks, himym, for showing me what it looks like for an adult to try, fail, try, fail, try, fail, and eventually succeed. I plan to do the exact same thing.

It's only a few weeks to Christmas and I know how stressful gift-shopping can be these days, so to make things easier on you, I'm posting a Christmas list right here. Now you don't even have to guess! Hey, no problem.

I WANT! I NEED!a wishlist in list format.

1. a tape player with its own speaker, sometimes called a shoebox recorder2. glove-knitting lessons / some really tiny knitting needles3. brown hair again4. an ice cream maker5. back rub6. hair time - interpret however you please, but I'd like at least some of the focus to be on my hair7. seasons 3 and 4 of himym (are we on season 5? if not, that's on the list, too)6. craught supplies12. anything that you have drawn, painted, composed, performed, etc. I like the things you do.5. acrylic paints/canvases are always welcome4. it's always sunny seasons 3 and 43. only seasons 3 and 4 of a variety of other shows2. little britainb. cool looking children's books that I can make clocks out of4. a small- to mid-range keyboard5. a new laptop - 13" macbook pro with the smaller amount of hard drive space6. stationery that will go with my brand new typewriter!!!

Right now I'm watching episode 3 of Lost. It's for the locke-down plan, which is a countdown to the final season premiere. Two eps a day, every day - it's the way John Locke would want it. Plus, this way you can miss a day and then you get to watch four episodes the next day! Alright!!!!!!!!!!

If you want a present from me, just leave your wishlist as a comment. Nothing would make me happier than to look lovingly at a list of things you might like.

09 December 2009

Today on the train everyone looked like they did when they were 3. I started noticing it when this guy in the corner yawned and his eyes did the exact same thing they would have done when he was just a little guy. Suddenly I looked around and every person's face was pretty easy to imagine as a baby. Then I came across one of those older guys with lines lines lines in his face, but it was basically just as easy once he looked up. Everyone was a baby today.

It made me try to come up with related sketches (since I adore a good baby sketch), but I don't quite see any of them happening:

1. Everyone on the train is played by a baby but is an adult character - trench coats, scarves, etc. The train stops and a delay is announced. Everyone bursts into tears.

2. Two years ago I came up with a pretty great video idea where a college lecture is taught by a baby professor, but the babyfessor is like, so hip. So hip. He's like "Alright everybody, get out your texts...who here had no clue what Whitman's talking about with this passage? Alright, then let's unpack it!"

3. I remembered that I used to have a character in mind that hadn't really formed yet. Her only real trait was that she had NO interest in child care and yet because of the recession, she's a babysitter. So a woman with no sense of humor and who hates children has to be with children all day. And you KNOW she'll be really haughty about it! I'll keep working on this one.

This week, none of the New Yorker cartoons make sense. Don't even try!

Marshall has to pursue his dream job eventually, right? He's just staying at GNB forever now? Didn't he say it would just be for a little while? Oh no! OH NO!

Which girl in Ted's class is the Mother? Didn't they say we'd meet her in that class? Please tell me it's not the one with the squeaky voice and Lily hair. Oh please no. *CORRECTION: Bob Saget said that the mother was in that first classroom, but I figured that since (a) we never revisit that big room and (b) Ted thought it was his class at the time, the mother would still be in his class...and maybe one day we could meet her, finally. How on earth are we going to get back to that other classroom? Wasn't it phrased "That classroom is where I first met your mother?" or something like that? Or was it just that she was there for that? Either way, there's your correction.

“None of us wanted to see Barney wearing a sweater-vest and going to bed-and-breakfasts,” says Bays, adding that it makes sense the relationship would “flame out fast” given that “neither of them, at their core, really wanted to be tied down.” Bays also believes that, deep down, viewers prefer single Barney to attached Barney. “It’s one of those things where you can give people what they think they want, or what they really want.”

I'm going to frame-by-frame it:

A. Barney would never end up in a sweater vest, and it's pretty lazy to pretend that all monogamous couples will end up in sweater vests. I was looking forward to a different depiction of long-term relationships. One that Swarkles carve out on their own. The first episode of this season seemed to say that they would write their own romantic rules. Why didn't they? I would've liked to see that.

B. Robin and Barney didn't "really want to be tied down at their core" BEFORE they got together. What made them put away that principle and start dating each other in the first place? Couldn't a character's reluctance to be "tied down" actually represent a solid starting point for a tremendously successful character arc? Nah, not in this case.

C. Nobody but NOBODY prefers Single Barney these days. Scuba gear? Overalls? Whatever happened to Ted Mosby, Architect? Single Barney Post-Robin is a real loser compared to Single Barney Pre-Robin. An event like a serious relationship could carry enough influence to give Barney an entirely new dimension, or at least more rounding out. Now it's like they've taken the one thing they can remember from the Good Old Days and are trying desperately to revive it. And Costumes-on-Barney seems to be what that one thing is. Eeeeeeesh.

D. “It’s one of those things where you can give people what they think they want, or what they really want.” Here's a third option: Give people what they actually want, which would be a well-written sitcom LIKE IT WAS IN THE BEGINNING.

I was reading a few other himym recaps after I wrote the above and can see that most articles this week cover Marshall's eightieth instance of dashed dreams. It's sort of funny that the show keeps hitting on the same points (Marshall hates not saving the planet, Robin is from Canada, etc) in a very similar way to how real life makes you keep hitting the same points. Being from Canada would be a repeat problem, and Not Fulfilling Your Childhood Dream Career would present a constant source of anguish. But just because something on television mirrors something from real life doesn't make me want to become Chuck Klosterman, so I'm ending here.

06 December 2009

Last night's brand new episode of SNL showed Upper East Siders that Blake Lively can indeed go goofy. After a cold open starring Bobby Moynihan's Amazing Face (which is starting to give me a real Lutz feeling lately, and that's a great feeling), Blake gave a Muppetonologue. What was funny was that the muppets started flooding out one second after my friend Tess suggested that Blake's closed eyes would make her a perfect Janice.

Next came a rerun of the old swine fever "sorry we have to re-run an old swine fever commercial" commercial. Metabonus. Then there was a lady bowling sketch wherein Will Forte's announcer had no clue how bowling works ("Two more strikes and she's out!") and an obligatory Tiger Woods bit. I noticed throughout all of Blake's sketches that she holds up well as a host. She's nearly as devoted a performer as Joseph Gordon Levitt without any of the desperation behind the eyes.

The music video, "Shy Ronnie," might take me a few more tries, but it's abundantly clear that Rihanna has some great timing: "Move the mic away from your face." I think I need to think more about why Ronnie is dressed like he's from the 70s. Perhaps it's his personal homage to rap fashion, like Rihanna's 80s gear. After the video came "Gossip Girl: Staten Island," which I wish had been called "Gossip Mook" or "Gabbin' Girl" or something else. Then there was a commercial for a strange underground music festival that could have been hosted by Jenny Slate but wasn't.

Here's something I will say again: I hate it when anchors look at the Weekend Update graphics. Aren't graphics supposed to be pretend pictures on the wall behind the anchor? Shouldn't the anchor's glance then be backwards? Or are the images transparent, and Seth and Amy are just looking at the graphics through the back? Either way, I'm distracted. Whatever happened to those lazy days of letting graphics help out quietly in the corner? Kevin Nealon, where is your nonchalance? Then, just when Abby Eliott's absence gets noticeable, she pops in with a great Brittany Murphy impression. Bring it on home with "two and a half episodes" and what a finish!

When the sketches get going again, Blake spends ten minutes in a pink camo turtlenecked swimsuit doing booty-go-round-and-rounds in a store that's clearly owned by a rascal-driving, mini-cell-phone-talking Will Ferrell. Then there's a great Keanu Reeves impression and a stick figure's boner on television. The final sketch (Don't Eat that Nasa Guy's Chips) seems to suggest that the writers must have watched exactly what I watched this week: the Simpsons where Homer eats chips in space and that marshmallow experiment video. And then suddenly there's a chair donut and my brain explodes.

I've never done an snl recap, so I don't know how I want to wrap this up. With antm it's easy - I just have to figure out who actually won the episode and if Tyra actually beat that winner. But with this? Maybe I'll re-mention my favorite joke. It was the chair donut.

03 December 2009

This article chronicles the extraordinarily lucky path of one young comedian. Since nothing like this ever happens to me, I suppose I'm going to have to kick it into full gear on this goddamn comedy blog. Get ready to see me REALLY TRY.

02 December 2009

It's December and you guys didn't even tell me! You guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just kidding, of course I knew it was December because just yesterday it became the coldest winter on earth.

Too bad there wasn't any tv on last night. Is anything up tonight? Obviously I'll be reenacting my favorite parts of past antm episodes, but is top chef still on? I guess I'll give you my thoughts on that:

The Brothers - both jerks. The younger one is obviously jerkier but probably a better chef. The older one seems much nicer to talk to but how did he make it this far?

Kevin - hooray! Kevin's the better version of that southern Top Chef Master who cooked for Oprah. And he's from the hot, hot city of Atlanta. A clear winner.

Yeah, that's that on top chef. Meanwhile I tried to watch Chef Academy but everyone was SO stressed about leaving lemon seeds in their dishes that I could never really relax. And I think there's an ex-adult movie star in the competition, which is (ironically enough) a real turn-off.

Well if we're going to have to go for two days without tv, the least we could do is give three cheers to the New York state senate for officially closing down gay marriage for the year. hip hip no-gays!

Things I Will Have Done By The End Of This Week:-bang on a drum all day even though I'd rather be WORKING!-joke around about Todd Rundgren tunes-not ride a bike-mayyyyyybe finish all the Fridanksgiving food. We are already out of: sweet potato pie and crescent rolls (duh) and we're getting REALLY close to the end of the gravy oh no!-babysat-zoom through naptime-licked and sealed thirty envelopes-that's all.

And also I'm watching Bad Romance by gaga more and more and more and more and more on youtube. I can't stop. I'm becoming more and more aware that you can't stop gaga. And she started out in a musical theatre conservatory not four years go!