Neo-Nazi Group complains about misunderstandings

CLEVELAND, OH—American Nazi Party (ANP) leaders have issued a short notice to the public to raise awareness of an increase in misunderstandings between Nazi Party members and the general public. With groups of ANP protesters taking to the streets to protest the new administration’s lack of racial cleansing, the pamphlet includes details of different Nazi symbols that are often misconstrued.

“We’ve told all 12 of our members to print 100 copies each. We’re sending them out across the country to teach everyone about our customs and hopefully avoid future mistakes,” commented Rocky Suhayda, chair of the ANP.

The most common misunderstanding, Suhayda claims, is the Nazi salute. Prominent historian Robert Alpers notes that raising the right hand, palm open, was a very common salute around the world “until those damn Nazis ruined it for everyone.” Recently, ANP protesters at an Ohio State football game complained that when they “Heil Hitler,” they are drowned out by the cheers of the surrounding sports fans and are met with enthusiastic high fives. ANP member Will Bitrich, on further questioning, complained that “those no-good liberals don’t get it. We don’t want to touch their filthy communist hands. Seig Heil!” while saluting vigorously. The Athenian tech assistant, who had been playing on his phone, happily high-fived Bitrich, who stormed out in a furor.

Martin Bormann, chair of the ANP Symbolism Committee, mentioned that there is also significant confusion about the swastika on Nazi paraphernalia.

“We’ve had way too many Hindus, Buddhists and Jains come up and compliment us on our swastikas. First, they have no business in this country, and second nobody associates swastikas with their thousand-year old religions anymore.”

Alpers once again piped up, pointing out that their flags were all printed the wrong way from Third Reich flags; historically swastikas pointed left, but ANP gear did not conform to the reverse swastika of Nazi Germany. Bormann countered by saluting vigorously (earning another high five) and calling Alpers’ racial heritage into question.

Finally, the ANP has seen an uptick in being mistaken for heavy metal bands or biker gangs.

Carl Oberg, head of consignment, noted, “Naziism has always been associated with tight, leather pants and shiny boots. It’s not fair that other people are culturally appropriating our signature look.” Overall, the combination of these three factors have significantly diminished the ANP’s ability to protest effectively, despite their record increase in meeting attendance (10 in 2016 to 12 in 2017). One Twitter user and ANP member, @stevebannon2, angrily posted that he was going to sue the United States government for their lack of protection. When the American Civil Liberties Union was asked to comment on ANP requests for legal defense, no response was discernable over raucous laughter.