7 things we'd like to say to Shakespearean characters

"Hamlet, you're too old for all this emo teenage angst… go out and get a job and stop all the dithering about. And while you're at it, dump Ophelia - before Horatio gets tired of waiting for you."

2. On not always going for hero guy

"If I were Juliet, I'd have sacked Romeo off for Mercutio."

3. On sharpening up one's domestic skills

"Lady Macbeth: you need to change your washing powder, love."

4. On communicating in a relationship

"Desdemona and Othello, why on earth didn't you just talk to each other instead of listening to odious Iago?"

5. On appreciating the effort, if not the result

[for Olivia, from Twelfth Night] "Malvolio dressed up in yellow stockings and fancy garters and pranced around for you? No bloke ever dressed up and danced for me."

6. On the limits of role play

[for Isabella, from Measure for Measure] "Okay, so he might shag you if you dress up as a nun - but is this really the best foundation for a lasting relationship? Do you want your only chance of a sex life to involve a wimple?"

7. On growing a beard as a wooing technique

[for Benedick, from Much Ado About Nothing] "If my husband tried to grow one, he'd not be getting any kisses till he shaved it off!"

And one for Shakespeare teachers: pfft to the prologue

"When we did Shakespeare in secondary school I got cast as 'the Prologue' and never got to dress up in the pretty clothes. Still stroppy."