O'gradymania Could Balance Military Budget

Glenn Gaslin

And despite his assertions that he is not a hero, the forces of mass marketing and American myth-making have taken over. It's a matter of months before O'Gradymania truly peaks.

The ever-earnest O'Grady survived six days in the hostile Bosnian wilderness after being shot down in his F-16. He ate bugs and drank rainwater before the Marines staged a daring rescue mission to get him out.

And now he's bigger than "Forrest Gump." Bigger than Newt Gingrich, Oprah and even that monkey in "Outbreak."

He's eating lamb chops at the White House and talking to Nancy Reagan on "Larry King Live." He's on the cover of the news magazines. "Hard Copy" reporters are probably paying off his ex-girlfriends for bits of dirt for "shocking scandal" stories.

The man is an instant celebrity.

And this is just the beginning.

When the mass media finds a marketable concept or personality, they squeeze every drop of life from it until consumers the world over demand related theme park rides.

An in these days of quick-burning celebrities and supersaturated multi-media, the military can cash in on the inevitable. The armed forces could make enough money selling military celebrity to balance their own budget.

* Of course, the guy should write a book. Everybody's got a book. All you have to do for a contract is get kidnapped in the Middle East, lead U.S. troops in a war, star in a sitcom or serve on the O.J. jury. "Basher 52: The Scott F. O'Grady File" could knock "The Celestine Prophecy" and "In Retrospect" off the bestseller list.

* The mega-hot "Internet for Dummies" and "Personal Finance for Dummies" series could inspire "European Forest Survival for Dummies." Standard survival guides have proven too dense for American consumers; they love their details broken down into short sentences and cartoon doodles.

* Taking another cue from geniuses behind the Gump myth, military marketers could slap together the quickie bathroom reader, "O'Gradyisms: The Wit and Wisdom of Scott F. O'Grady."

Open it up and find such classic lines as: "They scamper really quickly, so it's hard to catch them," "Mrs. Reagan, you're going to make me cry" and "Never ... run to the helicopter with a loaded gun."

* Add to the book list "Menisms: The Wit and Wisdom of the Males Behind the O'Grady Rescue." This could include hairy quips from U.N. and U.S. commanders, like: "That's what he had - guts and training," "Got 'im" and "Mr. President, with your permission - or without your permission - I'm going to smoke a cigar."

* The editors of Cigar Aficionado magazine are surely scrambling to get O'Grady on their next cover. No man since Winston Churchill has inspired so much stogie chomping. Who didn't itch to light up when the president and his advisers celebrated the rescue with a few cigars?

* McDonald's new Superhero Burger, a nutritional gem pitched as a "Batman Forever" tie-in, could be renamed The Real American Hero Burger and served with spicy O'Grady rings.

* Sorry, Hollywood. This story doesn't have enough action for a summer blockbuster. The climactic rescue scene - an armada of fighters swoop into enemy territory and snag a brave and hearty American - has enough potential to compete with maybe the first 10 minutes of "Die Hard 4: Christmas in Bosnia."

True stories of heroic deeds and personal struggle belong, as they always have, on prime time television.

Each network will probably make their own version, starring bargain-basement actor equivalents of Brad Pitt and Ethan Hawke. NBC's "I'm Not a Hero: The Story of Scott F. O'Grady" might star David Schwimmer, the whiny guy from "Friends." And Fox's "One Tough Hombre" could put slick tough guy Richard Grieco in the pilot's seat.

* When O'Gradymania begins to fade, the U.N. can stage a sequel. O'Grady could get shot down over another danger zone, like New York City, and team up with an unwilling-but-wisecracking partner in order to get out alive.

* And to keep the fuel going, military marketers need to make sure that every newspaper columnist in the country write at least something about O'Grady.

Gaslin is a staff writer at the Daily Press. Tony Gabriele will return Thursday.