Thursday, March 17, 2011

How To: Have the Perfect One Night Stand

Ah, the One Night Stand. The ONS. That one-time-only hot* tryst with a hot** stranger. Deep down, everyone wants to have a one night stand-- just (at least) one, just to try it, much like weed. Also, like weed, there is a high likelihood that you'll love it and keep coming back for more, BUT only if you get the good shit right up front. That's where we come in. Assuming everyone really does want the ONS, everyone also really does want to not feel like a huge slut when they wake up in the morning. One night stands are a great way to get exercise, raise your self-esteem and feel like a real, functioning member of American society, which, like it or not, now includes shit like "Jersey Shore." Aside from all that, a ONS is the perfect platform for you to get acrobatically dirrty.

*drunk**drunk

As veterans of the ONS, one might say we've earned our Purple Hearts on the front lines. Here are the quintessential basics for a perfect, non-messy, un-sloppy One Night Stand.

First and foremost, you MUST meet this person randomly, out on the town; read: NOT at a party! The potential web of friendship at parties should be seen as a huge ONS cockblock***. Clearly, there is absolutely NO WAY you and your target can be introduced. How are you going to feel when your sweet friend Mary (like the virgin) asks where you and Tim went last night? Not cool. The best One Night Stands (the only kind if you ask us) are with complete strangers. Upon meeting your target ass (preferably at a public place where copious amounts of alcohol are being consumed) see if you can swiftly, stealthily look them up on your smartphone**** piece-of-shit Facebook app. You want NO MORE THAN two, totally random mutual friends. (Obviously, DO NOT add them. That would be an extremely amateur mistake.) Adversely, you can go the route of just not ever bothering to learn their name. (If you've got any sort of imagination, you should be able to come up with more creative things to yell out in bed. This is a fun way to incorporate your one-time-lover's race or ethnicity!)

***if you're looking for a "Fuck Buddy" (someone you do more than once) parties are totally acceptable. Just know that all your mutual friends are going to know every detail of your sex.****if you're not a peasant

The second and final step is to make sure that the attraction is purely physical. We're talking, down-home, animalistic, National Geographic attraction*****. How in god's name are you going to feel after knowing your latest bedpost notch belongs to someone with the body of a god? Pretty goddamn good. Models, actors, athletes and trust fund babies (please don't literally fuck any babies) are just a few of the general ideal demographics. Moreover, the hotter the body, hopefully the lower the IQ. Like freshman girls getting "drunk" off non-alcoholic margarita mix, you may have to trick yourself into not wanting to date this person. It's hard to not want to go back for seconds if you are attracted to the body AND mind. What we're saying here is, hopefully your target is an idiot. Don't be afraid of aiming too high (too hot) though. Alcohol works wonders! (Especially in towns like Los Angeles where one witty comment is enough to make someone unzip their pants because brains are so hard to come by.) Buying your target a few tequila shots is as good as strapping the beer goggles on their pretty little face yourself.

*****sorry to bring the image of saggy amazonian tits into your mind.

The formula is simple...

RANDOM STRANGER + HOT LOOKS = YOUR PERFECT ONE NIGHT STAND

Who said you'd never use math in the real world?

It works everytime! Now you can revisit this simple equation again and again, without seeming like a slut! See the beauty of it now? If no one knows about it, it's like it never happened. (Condoms help. Seriously.)

It's simple. It's easy. It's attainable. (It suddenly makes more sense why both of us got the "Inspirational" result on a personality test.)

4 comments:

"Models, actors, athletes and trust fund babies (please don't literally fuck any babies) are just a few of the general ideal demographics."

This is perfect, totally accurate... Years ago, I met this guy at a club. He identified himself as "an actor" (aka, unemployed). He had one gig as a hair model. He made an independent mini movie about getting eaten alive by an evil biscuit or something. Anyway, I totally messed up the ONS (which could have been great, as it met the necessary criteria) and ended up in a three month relationship, which the grand total of fun equaled about three minutes. The rest of the time sucked and I had to devise a plan to make him break up with me.

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Classy Lauren Brenner is a comedian and yoga teacher in Los Angeles, CA. She is a glorious pain in the ass with "Classy" tattooed on hers. Jordan is a prentetious, former professional dog walker from Denver with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.