Thursday, January 22, 2015

Today was a bad day, a feel sorry for myself day. The kind of day that makes you lie in bed with your arms over your chest pretending to be in a casket wondering what people would be saying all hovered over you, that kind of day.

(Seriously. That's what I've been doing for the last 4 hours.) This morning when I woke up I almost blacked out. Every time I tried to do something I would get light-headed, dizzy and my vision would go black. I took a shower sitting down. Also, I'm playing this weird game of chicken with my conditioner because I'm pretty much out of it, but I also know my hair is supposed to fall out soon so I refuse to buy more. So this morning on the floor of my shower I just kind of rubbed the conditioner nozzle onto the ends of my hair and felt even sorrier for myself.When I finally got to the clinic I said boker tov, to Nadir (it means good morning) because even though he's an inappropriate buttface I would still want him to cry over my casket. Oh, look, stupid California girl is learning the language, he said, to which I replied guess that means it's a stupid fucking ugly language. My new burgeoning immune system seems to be allergic to getting fucked with.

The clinic also did blood tests which they always do and said my numbers are falling more, to be expected, and that my platelets are so low I can't brush my teeth anymore. If you know me at all then you know how much joy I get from brushing my teeth. But now I'm only allowed to rub some toothpaste on with a finger and gargle with saltwater, as if I've had a one night stand with a sailor and can't wait to get home. Top this all off with the fact that the English channel on the tv here seems to play a looped medley of Happy Gilmore, White Men Can't Jump and A League of Their Own, all of which I didn't like in 1992 and 1996. See the draw of lying down with my arms over my chest?

7 comments:

I think the most awful thing about this is that you have to watch Happy Gilmore. I'm so so so sorry this is all happening to you. Please please stay strong sweet girl, thinking of you and sending good thoughts.

You're not alone. When I had a really bad case of flu once, I played out my funeral in my head. Who would show up, what music to play, which restaurant to go afterwards. Kept me occupied for hours and actually wasn't as depressing as I initially thought. I assumed lots of people would show up and cry their sorry hearts out.

Hi, I'm Susannah and I love shiny things, swimming, the smell of fresh cut grass, orange blossoms and horse shit. The feel of my children's eyelashes on my cheek is a live virus that grows in me, multiplies and sustains. I will never understand Amish Friendship Bread.

I write for love but money works, too. Email me for more info, or just to say hello.
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