Editor's Letter

A President by Any Other Name

We had George W. Bush on the phone the other day, and when the subject of the Iraq war came up he was surprisingly measured and thoughtful. "As far as the war goes, I initially was very supportive, but less so over time," he said. "There's a civil war, and we know how that goes. Once we do leave, once the support is gone, those people in Iraq will be in a bad spot." Wise words. Alas, they came not from the George W. Bush of Washington, D.C., and Crawford, Texas, but rather the George W. Bush from Columbus, Ohio, who is an engineer. According to public-records search engines, there are more than 200 similarly named fellows in America, and like men with back hair, troublesome urinary problems, or faltering eyesight, they have their cross to bear. "I don't want to get involved in anything at my age," says George W. Bush, 83, of Melbourne, Kentucky. "Having my name is bad enough."

Well, of course it's difficult having the same name as someone in the news or someone who is on television with some regularity. There are at least a dozen Joe Bachelors out there; 500 James Bonds; 12 dozen Tom Cruises (one has a son named Connor, just like the movie star); two dozen Oprah Winfreys; and, for you Washington Irving buffs, a half-dozen Ichabod Cranes—one of whom lives in the epicenter of Irving country, Kinderhook, New York.

All you lonely right-wingers out there, rest assured. We found 23 Rush Limbaughs residing between these shores, along with 47 Dan Quayles, nine Donald Rumsfelds, 121 Ann Coulters, and four Karl Roves. Before Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani repeats the claim he recently made in London that he is "one of the four or five best-known Americans in the world," he should remember that there are at least five others with his name in the country he seeks to rule. For you left-wingers, there are 59 Hillary Clintons and dozens of Al Gores. Two jokesters have registered themselves with the former vice president's name, one living on Soreloser Lane, in Nashville, and the other on Has Been Lane, in Miami. Is it any wonder that the Republican sense of humor is held in such high esteem?

There are more than three dozen Americans who share the name of Halliburton's West Wing procurement officer, Dick Cheney. One of them lives in Danville, Illinois. His wife is a loyal V.F. reader; he's a Bush supporter. And this is suspicious: in the quiet hamlet of Winter Haven, Florida, there is not only a Cheney registered, but a George Bush as well. And they live less than eight miles from each other. (Back to Bush for a moment: there is one who lives on PGA Boulevard, in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, and one—I'm not kidding—on Preemption Road, in Watkins Glen, New York. There is also one listed on Stupid Road, in Muskegon, Michigan, and another on Sesame Street, in Tempe, Arizona—again with the kidding, you crazy Americans, you! There is even a George W. Bush of Houston, Texas, who lives just 12 miles from a—ahem—Graydon Carter. This Graydon Carter celebrated his 81st birthday last month. So from one Graydon to another, Happy Birthday, old bean!)

As expected, there are many Homer Simpsons across this fair land of ours (197 at last count), and many of them live in towns named Springfield. A few have humorously listed their addresses as Stupid Drive, Dumb Street, and Lazy Lane—begging, no doubt, for a call from Matt Groening next time the show is trolling for writers. The Homer Simpson who lives in Loudon, Tennessee, is 80. "I didn't even know there was a program called The Simpsons, but people kept calling me from pay phones at odd hours," he said, sounding an awful lot like the TV Homer's father, Abe. "I've seen the show now–there are too many characters." F.Y.I., there are at least 45 Ned Flanderses in the U.S. as well, including one who supposedly lives next door to one of the Homer Simpsons in Springfield, Illinois.

You can find 144 Brad Pitts in America. Chevy Chase has one—that's the Maryland suburb, not the former Saturday Night Live star. So does Hollywood (Florida) and Beverly Hills (Texas). There is a Brad Pitt in Dallas and one in San Antonio. Which is interesting because there is an Angelina Jolie in each of those two cities as well. There is also one on a Burning Bush Lane in a small city in Illinois.

You want Britney Spears? We've got more than a hundred of them, along with four Lindsay Lohans and 34 Paris Hiltons, not counting the one who recently sued Hallmark over a greeting card that had a cartoon likeness of her saying, "That's hot"—a phrase she trademarked earlier this year. A Britney Spears and a Paris Hilton both live in North Carolina, just 170 miles away from each other on Route 85. So if you drive that particular section of the highway with any frequency, I'd buckle up.

There are 15 Adolf Hitlers in America (two of them in New Jersey), four Osama bin Ladens, and more than 70 Mohammad Attas. (You think you get the bum's rush from airline reservation people.) By the way, the president should take comfort in the fact that he has one supporter down in Murphy, North Carolina. Fellow by the name of Charles Manson. He has the misfortune to have the same name as the mass murderer, but this Charles Manson is confident about the Iraq strategy of George W. Bush (the president, not the engineer from Columbus, Ohio). "Well, I support the president's policy, as far as that is concerned," Manson said. Asked if he would do the war all over again, he answered "yes"—sounding an awful lot like Dick Cheney, of Washington, D.C., and Casper, Wyoming. There you have it, the people have spoken.

Graydon Carter is the editor of Vanity Fair. His books include What We've Lost (Farrar, Straus and Giroux) and Oscar Night: 75 Years of Hollywood Parties (Knopf).