As Good as Live Aid (85)

Thursday, October 16

You've all heard the jokes; how do you get a short man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes or What's the quickest way to a short man's heart? Straight through the rib cageor how many short men does it take to open a beer? None, cos it should already be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

You are tall for your age if you're 11 and if you are a hockey player you're going to be overlooked at the draft. You've been called undersized since you could skate and Dad's and Mum's and coaches and teamates have called you the runt of the litter and always end sentences describing your stature with the phrase, "soaking wet". Veterans call you "Stumpy" or squirt or that fuggin' guy from that show with the other fuggin' guy.

Guess what pee wee, it takes a 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg and you're 5 foot 9.

I'LL STILL KICK YOUR FUCKING HEAD IN

I was recently reading an article on Maple Leaf prospect Dale Mitchell. Besides the fact that the article talked about his great numbers, his excellent skating, soft hands, tough-as-nails approach to the game, and that, by all accounts he is a heart and soul player, it also spent a lot of time discussing his size. Having all the ingredients of a great addition to any team, at 5'9, he could fare no better than 74th overall in the draft. That got me thinking about Steve Sullivan, who also 5'9 (233rd pick overall), never got to play enough minutes to show what he could do and was cast aside, lost for nothing, via the waiver wire. Which besides being like getting dumped via text message is just plain balls. Sullivan then went on to score 75, 60 and 61 points, the next 3 years respectively, for the Blackhawks.

It does seem antiquated and pre-lockout/caveman to care about being undersized, yet there is clearly a healthy dose of what can only be described as height-ism in the league. Size and the lack there-of, is worse than slow foot speed, no hockey sense or being Alexandre Daigle. How else can we explain 5' 7 Martin St. Louis not even being drafted, but Aki Berg (6'3) going 3rd overall? Incidentally, I hear Aki is doin' just super in the Finish league... hey did I also mention that St. Louis has won the Hart, Lester B, Art Ross and Stanley Cup?

My favourite little person (besides the awesome Billy Barty from Bizarre) has to be Theo Fleury. From the class of 1987, only Pierre Turgeon (6'1) taken 1st overall, Brendan Shanahan (6'3) taken 2nd overall and Joe Sakic (5'11) stunningly take 15th overall have scored more points than Fleury, who at 5'6 (soaking wet), was better than a point a game player. He was also taken 7 rounds later than those other taller players, 166th overall. And this little little man, God bless him, has represented this country.

Our how about Pavel Bure, who at 5'9 was not a big man, yet he was able to score 437 goals, and 342 assists in a very chintzy 702 games. As he was Russian, let me add that Bure was like the last doll in a Matroyshka set, collecting dusk in the wall units of babushka's all over the world.Bure wasn't big, yet he was man enough to date the Paris Hilton of Tennis and perpetual Russian hockey player dater, Anna Kournikova. Can you imagine how good Bure would have been had he given a care? You don't get called the Russian Rocket unless you are a vibrator made in Moscow, or able to win the Rocket Richard Trophy. Twice.He was also my favourite player in Power Play 96', even though I would always destroy his knee with that same inside move.

So to our Gagne's and Gionta's; Kappanen's and Kariya's. Our Mats Naslund's and Mush March's, I salute you for proving that perseverance and hard work always negate general shrimpiness. And remember you may not be very tall but at least you are not fat disgusting blobs of gross fatty fat fat.