Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Spring is in the air. The weather is warm, bees are buzzing and the first of the flowers are blooming all around us. All of you husbands, enjoy an evening outside with your wife. Pour her a glass of wine and rub her feet. Let her know that nothing makes you happier than putting her needs above your own.

Emily

We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

I am completely confused by the idea that I will somehow make my husband happy by withholding from the very thing that he seems to want above just about everything else: an orgasm.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Orgasm management seems irrational on the surface. Men seem to be completely wired for seeking out orgasms. When they are around women, their focus is on sex (and sexual climax). When they are not around women, they masturbate. Why then, would we presume that any man’s path to happiness would lie in withholding the very thing that seems to be the center of his universe?

The truth is that men are funny creatures. Do they want the physical satisfaction of an orgasm? Absolutely they do. Is that the highest value objective that they have? Absolutely not. Whether they are aware of it or not, what they really need is much more complicated. They need affection, they need love, they need attention, and they need to know that their sexuality is not being ignored.

Consider two wives that climb into bed with their husbands and both give their spouses the news that they will not being having sex (or if you prefer, an orgasm). One wife rolls over and tells her husband that she is tired and needs to get up early. The other kisses her husband passionately, grabs his manhood forcefully in her hand, and tells him that they will not be having sex because she wants him “thinking about her all night and waking up ready to do whatever she tells him in the morning.”

The first husband has been rejected and ignored. The second husband has been validated as a man and his sexual energy has been channeled to where it will be the most useful… in service to his wife.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

I screwed up. I got in a huge fight with my wife over something stupid and petty, and I childishly gave her the silent treatment for two days. She became mad at me and in turn gave me the silent treatment. This would have been just a typical little spat between husband and wife except for the fact that before she gave the silent treatment to me…she threw my interest in loving female authority right in my face.

As background, I need to tell you that we were NOT in a female led relationship at the time of our disagreement. I had wished that we were. I had wished it ever since I stumbled on your site several years ago. I even went so far as working up the courage to give her your book on Valentine’s Day which was my first real attempt to ever share my feelings on this subject. She responded by not reacting at all. She said nothing about the book, and when I finally asked her what she thought about it, she indicated that she had skimmed it, but she had no interest and did not even want to talk about it. To be honest, I was hurt and felt rejected.

So that brings me back to what she said following our argument. She told me that if I was so damn interested in having her in charge, then I should start acting like it. That really took me back. She was right, but as you know and have said over and over: until it is really made official and acknowledged openly in the relationship, it is really hard for a submissive man to maintain his obedient attitude toward his wife. This is the great truth and wisdom of your site and your book. It is central to everything that I know and feel about my submission.

My wife stormed out of the house and that started the ball rolling on what turned out to be the opening to the best thing that ever happened to me and to us as a couple. Her angry comments touched off the submissive in me, and I went into action. I rushed to gather her laundry and get it into the washing machine. I ran around the house like a mad man cleaning up several messes I had left piled up for days and fixing a broken hinge on a cabinet that she had been after me to fix for months. I rushed out to the store to buy her flowers, candy, wine and a gift basket of lotions (including foot lotion) from Bath and Body Works. I also bought her a CD I knew she had wanted to get and several items from Victoria’s Secrets, all of which I wrapped or put into gift baskets.

It was late when I finished shopping, and she had beaten me home, so I walked back into the house with all of these item bundled in my arms. The kitchen and living room were dark, but I saw that the light in what I used to call “my” office. She sat in front of the computer, her back to me, wearing a robe. She knew perfectly well that I had walked into the room even though I said nothing. I looked at the computer screen in front of her and I was totally blown away to see that it was your site. (I later learned that she actually wrote Emily an email that night to which she responded personally but never put on the blog.)

She swiveled around in the chair and looked right into my eyes. She acknowledged the gifts I brought her and asked me to hand them to her. I did and she immediately asked me to kneel in front of her. I looked up at her as she opened my gifts one by one. It was hard for me to concentrate as my mind was racing a thousand miles a minute.

When she was done opening the gifts, she said nothing. She looked down and me and just stared at me for what seemed like a very long time. I started to speak, but she held up her finger to her mouth indicating she wanted me to remain quiet. I then watched in silence as she undid her robe and revealed that she was wearing a very sexy bra, but no panties. I took my cue and immediately began to kiss her between her legs and to pleasure her. I felt her hand stroke the back of my hair as she told me that from that point forward she was in charge and she expected that I would obey her. I would have orgasms only when she told me it was ok to do so. I would be given a list of chores I was expected to do, and I would do them without complaining.

Since that night our relationship is 100% female led. It is as others on this blog have described. We are perfectly happy and “normal” 99% of the time, but there is a constant understanding that she is the alpha spouse in the relationship. The biggest surprise has been how completely she had adopted to this new reality and how completely happy it has made her. She is not the least bit inhibited and is completely comfortable telling me what I need to do to please her.

Candidly, I know she was initially concerned that this would somehow emasculate me, but I have proven to her that that was no risk. I still have times when I am sexually very aggressive with her, but she absolutely loves stopping me in the middle of intercourse and having me switch to using a toy on her. This allows her to finish with explosive orgasms while I am left in the heightened sense of intimacy and arousal that orgasm management provides. This makes for post-sex cuddling (vs sleeping) and has afforded me the ability to truly be the communicator she needs me to be. She calls these moments her “emotional orgasms” and she values them tremendously. Truth be told, so do I.

Thank you so much for your site. I am glad I stuck with you.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

We have often seen the situation where once the seed is planted, it sprouts at the oddest times. You laid the groundwork but needed the argument to serve as a catalyst for both your submission and her own sense of empowerment.