The THREE ACT SPEAKEASY is here for you to vent, to express, and to learn. This is your chance to perform -- but you're also in the audience, guv, and are expected to behave as such. So your skits at the steely Whitechapel microphone will ALL and ALWAYS be divided into three sections:

2: The Huzzah. Wherein you tell us something which goes just a teensy way to mitigating the effects of the psychic turd you just laid on our heads. Perhaps it's a tiny hint of hope in an otherwise bleak situation. Perhaps it's an unrelated Thing Which Happened which made you smile rather than frown. Shit, maybe it's just a silly joke. Show us you can cope as well as carp.

3: The Applause. You will choose one of your fellow whitechapellers, from this same thread. Doesn't have to be the person who posted before you - just someone whose story touched you. And you will offer them a word of advice, or comfort, or support, to help them with their own SECTION 1 Whinge. Doesn't have to be much. A sentence, a word, a bloody emoticon - whatever. Just a paltry donation to the art of Thinking Of Others. And try to avoid schmaltz, please, or the Urethral Maggots will feast anew. Circle of life, kids.

Boo: Too many goddamn projects. Feast or famine, you know? It's a good problem to have, but I'm doing some severe plate-spinning. Plus I have the shits.

Huzzah: There's some good shit going on. The house is clean. I've started a novel trilogy. I'm commissioned for Weaponizer Magazine #2. I'm wearing 36" waist jeans I haven't worn since 2008, having gone from 275 lbs in May to 240 now. Revving up for my trip to NYC next month, and may be getting a new computer.

The Clash: It's been nearly a month now and I still haven't heard back from any of the places I've applied for jobs, other than the status of one of the applications I submitted as a pure shot in the dark because I wasn't really qualified changed from 'In Submission' to 'No Longer In Consideration.' I haven't heard anything at all from the recruiters that the company said they would put me in contact with when they laid me off. The more I think about it, the more I don't really want to go back to QA, in any capacity. I'd rather be writing games or writing about games than writing bugs for games, or telling other people what bugs to write. The problem is that I have no real idea how to get started at either of those (other than a blog. And I don't know how to turn a blog into money). I have 17 days to get out of my apartment, and I still haven't really found a place to live in California (I found one good place in Simi Valley, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get in). I'm eating like shit because I don't want to buy perishables because I don't want to throw them out when I move, I've got my apartment halfway packed up, but I don't want to pack any more because I won't have enough clothes, or be able to use my computer. I just feel like the walls are closing in and I am freaking.the.fuck.out. I almost want to finish packing my stuff, put it in storage, and have myself committed because I just cannot fucking deal with my life right now. Moving to Phoenix feels like the worst decision I could have possibly made, because it was inevitable that they were going to lay us all off.

The Cure: I got nothing. The place in Simi would be really nice if they let me move in. Huge room, walk-in closet. It's not Thousand Oaks, but it's close to it.

Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah: @Fauxhammer: Hooray weight loss! My weight has been pretty much static at ~215lbs no matter what I do for years now, and I look like a total chubbster.

@Fauxhammer: congratulations on your novel trilogy. Is it your first attempt at novel writing or have you writtten others? I'm writing my first novel. It's had a manuscript assessment and is now undergoing the editing.

@dnewling It's my first serious try, even though I'm cannibalizing a Weaponizer serial I did, expanding it, and smoothing it over. I think I have a good blueprint for the whole cycle, though. I'd better; it's been in my head since 2003.

The Boo: My manuscript assessor thought my novel would make a great graphic novel. Yes, but my artwork is nowhere near graphic novel standard. Maybe someone will adapt it for me someday, as I would love to see it as a graphic novel. For the moment, it's still novel form.

The Hurrah: Everything is going so well that there aren't many boos to find.

@Fauxhammer: Yep, if an idea keeps running around in your head, it usually means that idea is something big. I've bought a book, 'Self-Editing for Fiction Writers' by Renni Browne and Dave King. Not only is it tremendous help on helping me edit my work, but it shows how writing conventions have changed. It had examples of books such as The Great Gatsby that were masterpieces in their time, but would need re-editing to meet today's publishing standards. It has me thinking what writing conventions will be like in another 50 years and what re-editing we would need to meet their standards. Anyway, if you haven't got any, investing in self-editing books such as these would be well worth it, especially if you're a first timer like me.

Jefferson Starship: Deadline looming, eating my brain. Compensating for cow orkers who can't manage the standard software packages that the company provides, and while OSS is not frowned upon in our shop, it would be nice if they didn't make it the default when dealing with production tasks when it cant keep up with theof the shelf stuff that works as expected.

Jefferson Airplane: Potential new dog. Laid back, need a few dates and visits with current packmembers to be sure. Plenty of good shisha and a great hubblybubbly collection started. Finally have sleep and workout schedule sorted out. Diet is falling back into place and didn't ruin the 50 pound loss while I went nuts for a month. The last 25ish is looking more doable.

@dnewling: I know the feeling. I need to sit down and draw more. The paltry skills I had are fading fast and need to be kept up. Keep working at it an you might do that adaptation yourself before your know it.

@si - grats on the X book. I will see how my pull list survives the august cull and then add it.

Boo-hooI've been incredibly tired again, it's been going on for the last couple of weeks. Eating too much, not exercising, not doing the things I know I should do to get out of the rut. Feeling incredibly frustrated, because I can feel work building up and see myself falling behind, but really don't have the energy to snap out of it right now. Haven't properly touched a camera or guitar in ages, or written to any friends, or really, spent much quality time with my family. I do always snap out of it, it just takes time. And patience, neither of which I have a great deal of.

HuzzahOff to Brighton tomorrow, to dance myself stupid at Spellbound, an 80s night for people who hate 80s nights, which is was a huge amount of fun. I'm hoping that will blast all the rust and angst out of my system completely.

My partner has just bought a Ford Galaxy, (that's a horrible bus like people carrier for the benefit of people in other countries). I suppose that's a good thing, as it stops us from worrying what we were going to do when she gives birth and we haven't got room in either of our cars for all of our mewling spawn, but I'm concerned that as an oppressive symbol of domestic conformity, it's likely to trigger another one of my midlife crisis periods and I'm concerned, I'll talk myself into doing something stupid like buying a ridiculous sports car. Oh well, shit happens, and I have no impulse control.

Applause

Anyone who is succeeding in losing weight… Good stuff. Am stuck firmly at 175 pounds, and I want to be 140 and it's bloody annoying me. @David, I hope the living situation works out soon.

@JP Carpenter: That is not a Galaxie. That is a Dodge Caravan that someone chopped the front end off of with a butterknife. What you need to do is paint a wizard fighting a dragon on the side. That'll keep you cool and relevant even into fatherhood.

The Mustard Stain On My Tuxedo: Driving home from seeing friends, my car died inexplicably. The battery light came on, but all the electrics kept working, I wasn't out of gas, and the engine wanted to start, and just couldn't quite make it. Had to call my roomie out at one in the morning to come pick me up from a deserted highway. Got "checked up on" by three different police forces (County Sheriff, Smokey the Bear the State Patrolman, and some guy in an unmarked Charger with red and blues flashing). Tow truck came and took her (the car) away... had bad flashbacks to my first car getting hauled away to the great Jeep dealership in the sky. Very nearly lost it. I don't cry about a lot, but I'm extremely sentimental about cars, my car in particular, and I definitely had a Han Solo moment. "I just got this funny feeling, like I'm never gonna see her again." The auto shop they towed her to isn't open on weekends, so I'll need to figure out some way to get out there on Monday, and until then I think I'm just going to pace in circles coming up with all the things that could be horribly wrong with the battery of the fuel injector.

My Enemy's Blood Staining My Wingtips: I might be getting a job at a beer and wine distribution center very, very close to where I live. This would be marvelous, not least of all because even if the work sucks, I'll come home feeling tired, knowing that I helped people get good beer. Also, I'm just thankful to have a kickass roomie who'll come and save my ass from cops and hobos in the middle of the goddamn night.

The Whisky Sliding Across the Bartop to You: @David, hang in there, man. If nothing else, when this is all over you'll be rid of Phoenix. I'll forward any and all good job vibes I receive your way - you sound like you need 'em more than I do, anyway.

Fuck: We're going to have to move house again, for the 9th time in a decade. Fucking bloody Sydney property market. We'll never be able to buy at these sorts of prices and landlords keep on selling up or moving their family in. Leaving Sydney means making the kids change schools, losing all their friends, leaving all our friends, leaving all our family, leaving my studio and contacts, finding a new job for Lou... and fuck that shit. So we keep hanging on to this town with suction cups. Costs us $5k or so every time this happens. How the hell does anyone achieve stability around here?

Woot: Creative work is going pretty well. Certainly not short of ideas anyway. Had a fun gig the other night. Wrote a new song this morning.

Helpy: @Alan - I had that happen outside Alice Springs, alone with three kids in the old Volvo. Ollie was only two years old. Look up where Alice Springs is on Google Earth. It was interesting. Spent a few days kicking our heels in a caravan park there while a sparkie looked up a diagram for the blasted thing - turned out that it was, as I'd guessed at the time, just a loose bloody wire. When a car is recent enough so that what's under the bonnet looks like somebody's stereo - just unlabelled black plastic boxes with wires between them - I'm lost.

So when that car got t-boned by a Mercedes a year later I bought a 1974 Kombi instead. I spend more time underneath it than driving it around some weeks, but I can fix it with such sophisticated tools as, well, a rock.

1: The Boo- I allowed the nice people at Dell computer to troubleshoot my computer into complete dysfunction. Under their expert ministrations, what began as a minor annoyance turned into a catastrophic failure. OS re-install imminent. Broadcasting from "Safe Mode with Networking" for a few days now. I had to scramble to back everything up and do some soul-searching about what files I actually need to have--a kind of instant remedy for digi-hoarding. Also, I have been without a band for around a year now. Getting to the point where I'm seriously contemplating becoming a solo act in order to avoid the frustrations inherent in trying to wrangle 4 adults into a room on a semi-weekly basis. *Sigh to end all sighs.*

2: The Huzzah- We're moving out of our 400 sq. foot apartment to a 1200 sq. ft condo, thus ending 2 years of pretty much living right on top of each other. Looking forward to having an office/music room and being able to open the fridge and the dishwasher AT THE SAME TIME.

3: The Applause- Congrats to the weight losers and the creatively motivated, deepest sympathy to the jobless and the too-busy-to-maintain-veneer-of-sanity.

@Kay: Thanks, man. I'm hoping a loose wire's all it is. I'm the same way with cars - my old 1993 Jeep Grand Cherokee was so easy to fix, my dad and I actually made a repair with a 2x4 and duct tape. As much as I love my Escape, I feel like I have to dock her at the Utopia Planitia Fleet Yards just to get an oil change.

wow, it's been a looong time since i last did one of these so here goes.

The BOO: - Well since i last did one of these, i pretty much had a mini breakdown a few months ago. It had been building up for a couple of months before that as I'd let things get really on top of me, with work, friends and stuff that had been going on in the past year (i tend to obsess about stuff and what people have or haven't said to me) and it got to the point where there was a very distressing scene that i can only describe as Sigga waking up at 2am in the morning to see me at the edge of the bed, drunk, completely going off the rails and ranting about wanting to end it all. she nearly had to call the police to stop me from doing something stupid to myself. I got signed off work for a few days to "have a rest" as it were. I say it was a mini breakdown as although we did book myself to see a psychiatrist, I somehow felt a bit better about myself after the incident, so i declined the offer of therapy and stuff.

But although i haven't had any major incidents, since then i have found myself becoming more anti-social and slowly shutting myself off a bit from friends over the last couple of months. Not having a lot of money doesn't help and in Iceland over the summer, everyone often head out into the country but i seem to have fallen into the trap of not going out and meeting people, while being more willing to communicate on-line. I don't like this turn of events and it's something i need to arrest over the next few weeks.

The HURRAH: Despite all this, i managed to run a fucking marathon last weekend. Don't ask me how. I'M still not sure myself. the time wasn't great (I finished in 5 hours 25 minutes) but that was mostly due to my legs crapping out on me halfway through the bloody thing. But, i did it, and now everyone thinks I'm some sort of cross between a crazed lunatic and a blood and guts hero. I think it was when i screamed "DRAAAAAGO!!!!" when i crossed the finish line. Of course I'm in fucking bits and my right knee hurts like a mother. But apparently I'm now born again hard.

Also I'm now the "Music Manager" for my local paper! Quite how this is going to work out, we're still not sure, and unfortunately but i will be getting paid for it, and i get my own e-mail account! Plus I'll probably not have to pay for any Icelandic music again. Plus the other reviewers seem to think that i am their boss now, which i won't be too quick to correct them on.

I went to my weight loss doctor last week. Even being on metformin (blood sugar medication for borderline diabetes), I have managed to gain about 10 pounds in a month. I've been really quite tired lately, sleeping up to 14 hours a night, and when I wake my face is terribly puffy. I'm on a hormone pill which is an anti-androgen to help with the excessive hair (I've been on it before), which is also a diuretic, so the notion that I'm retaining fluids is quite odd. I fear it's my thyroid, or my pituitary. I have a feeling that my hormones have a sputter-and-stop kind of cycle of their own. I've always had a really variable and bouncy weight that ranged 15 pounds seemingly at whim. Even being on meds and watching my diet (and having sex) hasn't had an effect. Annoying and worrysome. Also, I'm pitifully poor, debt keeps racking up, and doctors are, as usual, a frustration in my life.

The Hooray:

Last weekend I went to the country. I visited my home town so I could go to the county fair (and so I could see the meteor shower). Here is an awesome picture of me getting 'the fellow' to stand in front of a Bible booth (right next to it was a trailer inviting people to come in and see proof that Noah's Arc was a real occurance). A young woman approached him (while he was wearing a T-shirt that reads 'The Devils Blood' and pictures a woman fingering herself) and tried to offer him a bible.

Last week the fellow brought me to see a live streaming of Riff Tracks doing Manos: The Hands of Fate! I've not laughed so hard in such a long time!

This weekend I got to see Die Antwoord and Jane's Addiction. it was FABULOUS! I crammed myself up to the front, got wonderfully smoked up by a fellow I didn't know, got in a few shoving matches with people for being rude and nearly got into a fight or two, and snuck a few awesome photographs even though using cameras was forbidden and would have gotten me kicked out (even though camera phones were fine. go fig).

I totally broke myself, and spent the next day and a half in considerable pain, but I got to be lounging with my awesome fellow, and I finally started watching LOST.

Also, my awesome fellow is awesome. (Some of you Londoners might know him from Orbital, I think. Or 'The People vs George Lucas')

The Others -

Kay - I completely and totally have the same notions when it coms to cars. When my time comes, and I can once again afford such a beast, it will be something that is pre-nineties, so that I can actually fuck with it's guts and make it go without dealing with something as bizarre as a computer. I want a car without crumplezones, something I can bang out with a hammer. Oh yessssss.

icelandbob - getting yourself out of the rut of being anti-social is really really really difficult. Especially when everyone sees you as being a very boisterous and social person, which I get the impression that you are, like myself. I think this makes it somewhat more difficult to get over being socially withdrawn. When out in public, I'm always "on". It's not even something I can control or help. It's an automatic response. I think it ends up making me dread being social sometimes, because the process of being "on" all night can be tiring and quite draining. Perhaps if I were shy, and were ok with being shy in public, I'd not have such agoraphobic tendencies? Eh. Anyway.... good luck with it. Don't let the internet be too cozy a place to hide.

The Shit: I Just wrote a Dear John letter and I feel like a shit. It had to be done, it's for the best etc etc. Parts of my brain knew for a long time, but the decision didn't click til like 2 hours ago and ... Part of me actually feels calm, relieved, proud that I made a Definitive Adult Relationship Decision. So now other parts of me are disgusted at the proud parts.This really annoying voice in my brain just said, "Ya know, structually this is the best bit of writing youve done in fucking ages son, if it wasn't about real people you should put it on a blog, needs a strong last line though." I fucking hate that voice. Do I click send now and risk waking her up or wait til tomorrow? It kinda has to be read as soon as possible because there are plans and such.

The Loveliness: I'm going to Reading Festival on thursday. Will finally get to see The Cure and a shitload of other awesome bands(including: The Black Keys, Cancer Bats, The Gaslight Anthem, Kasabian, Foo Fighters, Florence And The Machine, Enter Shikari, Los Campesinos! Graham Coxon, Spector, Future Of The Left, At The Drive In, Mastodon, Twin Atlantic, Mark Lanegan, The Horrors, The Joy Formidable, Every Time I Die, Bouncing Souls, Ceremony, Modestep)(actually a few of those clash, oh well).

Reading has a dodgy reputation but it's always been my favourite festival, more so than even Glastonbury. The crowd at Reading is young and hungry, you get people moshing to gentle female-vocalled indie pop bands. Bands play their hits and try to win over the crowd more than anywhere else. It's chaotic and messy and passionate and there's no real agenda about who plays, it's just whoever the best bands around at the moment. Sad I'll probably miss most of the bands on the Punk stage I want to see cause they clash with others. Going with a festival virgin and an autistic guy and bringing all my own food cause I can't afford to buy anything there.

Ya know when people list the best moments of their lives and it's always the birth of a child or getting married or passing some test? For me it's seeing Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails and Floggy Molly and Pulp and Rage Against The Machine and Arcade Fire and hundreds of other bands at Reading and other festivals over the last decade.

Also I've met this girl and she is... special, different, someone I'd have a proper responsible adult relationship with. She's quite lovely. We haven't done anything yet but we both really like each other. Now I know what you're all thinking, but in my head at least, this and the Dear John letter situation aren't related. They've just chonologically overlapped, that relationship has been dead for months and everyone could see it but us. Usually at the end of a long relationship I'd like to go off and enjoy singlehood but... for the first time in my life I want to initiate a committed monogamous relationship instead of feeling like I fell into a trap of one. For the first time I don't want to fuck first and see if we develop feelings later.

I Know That Feel: @JP Carpenter Your boo-hoo sums up my last year. For me getting off the laptop and going out and seeing people I normally wouldn't hang out with helped a lot. Same with @icelandbob, summer for me the past few years has been rough. This year hanging out with people I don't know that well really helped, my cousin who I haven't hung out with since we were kids started the ball rolling with me. Sometimes it's easier to hang out with near-strangers than close friends.

- Fella backed off for several reasons important to him. It's understandable and we'll be back at it if all goes well, but just upsetting. Can't really get in to it, though.

- Was waiting till all was confirmed and then this month just ended up being crappy, but I'm having Kidney surgery next week. Nothing too serious and thank christ it's not a full removal, they're just removing some stuff and patching me up. But yeah, health in that has been weird for a while and now it's getting sorted. Will be recovering for a few days in hospital and then like a proper Englishwoman I'm off to the country home to heal further. I guess it's considered "good" because I'm getting fixed up, but I'm not fond of putting my life on pause or being drugged up. Plus it's my first surgery ever so I'm scared.

- My xbox, after being a bit wonky, has red ringed on me. Horrible timing as I'll need entertainment while healing. I'm hoping I'll have enough money to purchase the Sam & Max games for my mac, but we'll see.

YAY:

- I learned how to knit and am making myself a really shitty scarf.

- A friend loaned me every Star Trek series in existence (including the animated one) for healing entertainment.

- ...yeah, I got nothing else.

CLAP YOUR HANDS:@bob, take care of yourself, man. I hope your rest is a good one.

This month alone, I'm dropping stupid amounts of money on my teeth. I was already super stressed about money stuff, and this isn't making it any better. Work has been sucking extra recently, and I've cried more days than not in the past few weeks. And I'm starting to be incredibly paranoid about a lot of things, including whether I'm losing hair (which, given how stupidly stressed I am, would not be entirely surprising).

I dunno, I just feel like shit and find myself unable to focus.

The SHIT YEAH!

... I'm going to San Francisco for work so I guess that's cool. I've never been and I'm staying an extra day to visit friends from school. And I had a particularly horrible day last Wednesday and so my mom sent daisies to my work. And my manfriend is being extra nice.

The CYHSY:

@Oldhat, the relationship stuff sucks, and I'm really sorry you have to have surgery! On the upside, when you convalesce out in the country, I think you should take this as an opportunity to wear big hats, scarves, and potentially have someone wheel you around in a wheelchair with a blanket on your lap. You can also wave weakly at things and pretend you're Maggie Smith on Downton, but, you know, infirmed. Plus, BOOKS! Books books books.

@Bob, yeahhhhhhh I hear that. You take good care of yourself, keep exercising, keep forcing yourself to hang with people, and if you need to retreat into the interwebs, feel free to pester me for chatting. I find when I'm at my most depressed, I tend to want to talk to people online to distract me from myself or just to vent. It's not the healthiest coping mechanism, but sometimes it helps me feel a little less lonely.