I'm Worried About the Kids

February 22, 2010

Way back in 1977, on REO Speedwagon's hit album "Live: You Get What You Played For", vocalist Kevin Cronin famously stated, "If you want to really get through to somebody, you've got to talk to them in their own language." He then proceeded to talk to guitarist Gary Richrath over the phone by imitating the sound of a guitar solo.

And so it is today, with the modern teen. As parents, it is often easiest, and quickest, to talk to them via text messaging. This is why we have unlimited texting on our phone plan. So, while Dianne and I were at Sarah and Tim's house for our monthly group Bible Study, I decided to text a very important message to my daughter, Rebecca.

Gregg (G): How many Dr. Peppers are left?

Rebecca (R): I only have one.

Hmmm, seems she feels a little guilty for constantly swiping my Dr. Peppers. Dr. Pepper is critical to my continued existence. I can NOT run out. If she loved me, she would know that. I really needed to know if I was going to have to pick some up on the way home. Also, it was likely that she had a friend over, which could also indicate that there would be a NUMBER of partially emptied Dr. Pepper cans spread throughout the house. Obviously, "How many Dr. Peppers are left?" was not a clear enough statement as to what information I was looking for. I decided to try again, placing emphasis on the critical parameter.

G: How many are LEFT?

R: I didn't count.

ARGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Well, thank goodness I decided to pay for that unlimited texting plan! Clearly, this "conversation" would be costing me some serious money, otherwise. Also, I was now already frustrated. I sent what SEEMED to be a very simple question to my daughter, just to get irrelevant responses back. I was clearly not communicating my question clearly enough. It seems these days, that you must be painstakingly detailed in your requests to teens. I think it has something to do with conservation of momentum. She didn't want to actually move from her current position to find out how many Dr. Peppers were left. A body in rest tends to want to stay in rest, so it takes a LOT of external force to get that body to move. It was time to apply the external force. I got more detailed in my instructions. I wasn't leaving ANYTHING to chance, and tried to close all those teenage loopholes in one more text message.

G: How can I be any clearer? GO COUNT THEM. I am asking how many are left. That may require you to go to the fridge and look. I am 12 miles away. YOU are in the same house as the soda!

Actually, I took a wild stab at the distance. I really had no idea. I was praying (appropriate for being in a Bible study) that she wouldn't go to Google maps and figure out how far away I actually was. She rather do THAT, than go count the Dr. Peppers, I'm guessing. I was terrified that I'd receive a message somewhere along the lines of "You aren't 12 miles away. You are 11.4."

Laugh it up, that is an entirely possible scenario. Minor details like that are just opening yourself up for a rebuttal based on irrelevant facts. I regretted putting the 12 miles statement into the text. Why couldn't I have used a more general statement like "I am a NUMBER of miles away." That statement would be indisputable due to it's all-encompassing scope. Actually, right before I sent the text message, I had the last line as "YOU are 12 FEET away." I came up with 12 FEET because of the correlation to the 12 miles statement, and also because it was probably an accurate average distance she would be from my life blood. I was certain she was either sitting at the computer in the kitchen (distance 4.5 feet to fridge) or on the couch watching television in the living room (distance 19.5 feet to the fridge). Adding that distance would have almost CERTAINLY produced an argument to her actual distance to the fridge rather than an actual answer.

After a significant pause where I began to worry that she had "lost" her phone (this has happened! Usually when I am asking her to do something) to avoid any more annoying messages from me, I got my response.

R: Five.

Great! An actual answer! Plus, I had enough for my evening's requirements. I decided to send her a response, indicating I had received her message. I was hoping she'd catch the slight exasperation and sarcasm in my reply.

G: Thank you.

But Rebecca was not done with me. Oh no. In fact, I'm probably lucky I didn't get THIS response, prior to getting my actual answer.

R: Why?

OK, #1, what did she THINK I was going to do with the Dr. Pepper? Create a moisturizing body wash with it in my home chemistry lab? NO! I was going to drink them! #2, was there any possible answer I would give to "why?" that would eliminate my desire for the answer, or give her a valid reason to NOT answer the question? I don't think so! Resisting the incredible urge to respond with "BECAUSE!" or the more complete parent answer of "Because I asked you!", or even the tempting "Why does this matter to you? I asked you a question, just answer it!", I decided to give her the facts.

G: I NEED at least two of them for Mario Kart.

That's a good reason, right? Yes, of course it is! It's perfectly valid. I figured out long ago that my driving skills are significantly enhanced if I have enough caffeine in my system to keep a class of kindergarten kids awake for an entire day.

R: Oh.

I'm pretending there wasn't any sarcasm or frustration in her answer. It's better that way.

July 27, 2009

"I've decided I'm going to start trying new foods", our youngest daughter, Rachel, declared to us at dinner the other night.

"That's great, sweetie!" I replied to her, as I set the table.

While this is something you don't entirely expect to hear from a 7-year old, that's never a bad thing, right? Of course, Rachel has always been a pretty good eater and often tries new foods. She's going through a bit of a stage where if something looks different than she expects, she declares that "she doesn't like that", but otherwise, she has a pretty wide range of tastes.

The timing seemed a little odd, too, as I was grilling our weekend sirloin, and had already made baked beans and had some Orieda fries in the oven on a cookie sheet. Additionally, Rachel has asked me to make hamburgers instead of the sirloin, but Dianne and I wanted the sirloin so bad we declared that we were making steak. Final answer.

Naturally, once Rachel and I were in Kendrick's picking out the sirloin du jour, I caved in and bought some ground sirloin patties to make her a burger.

I'm basically the world's nicest dad. As further proof, I'm making the drive all the way out to Six Flags tonight to pick up my teen-age daughter and her lunatic friends when the park closes. I'm hoping they all fall asleep in the car after playing out there all day.

Back to the food story. Given that we were having weekend grilled comfort food for dinner, I was curious as to what brought about this "trying new foods" quest.

So I asked Rachel if she had identified any foods that were on her short list of trying.

"Yes, I have two picked out", she replied.

Well, at least there is a plan.

"What foods?" I asked.

"Jalapenos and dill pickles", she replied.

Apparently, the jalapenos idea came from me putting them on hamburgers whenever I can. And, yes, she was aware that they are hot and spicy.

So, the big moment came, we were sitting at the table, she had her hamburger open and selected a jalapeno slice from the jar of canned jalapenos.

She placed the slice on her hamburger, put the top slice of bread back on, and took a big bite - right through the jalapeno area.

My wife and I watched her closely for any reaction.

Rachel chewed. And chewed. And chewed. There was essentially no reaction other than her looking up into her skull, studying the flavors. Finally, after a good 30 seconds of this, she decided that she was going to rate the jalapenos as a "no", but was open to trying them again next time. She finished the jalapeno in her mouth, too.

I think she'll be eating them shortly, judging from the minimal negative reaction.

That's my girl! I love spicy food.

By the way, her taste test of the dill pickle following the jalapeno test resulted in a positive recommendation from her.

June 15, 2009

This past week, my 13-year old, Rebecca, has been at confirmation camp at our church. While they have had many fun experiences, to me, one impromptu incidence seems to take the cake.

The kids were at a snack break, doing the usual talking and whatever else the kids occupy themselves with, when Rebecca and her friends noticed something...unusual...across the eatery.

One of the boys seemed to have an unusual snack companion. In fact, the companion seemed to be:

A LIZARD!

Well, this is not an ordinary occurrence at snack time, even to this jaded adult-type. It seemed odd to Rebecca and her classmates, too. So odd, that they gently inquired of the young man, "Say Zookeeper (not his real name), is that a lizard in your bag?"

"Thanks for noticing", said young Zookeeper, "it is indeed!"

Though I don't have all the specifics, I'm assuming that a certain amount of giggling took place at this point.

It seems that young Zookeeper had indeed brought a small lizard to confirmation camp with him and was keeping it in his backpack.

"What's his name", asked Giggle-buttons, one of Rebecca's friends (not her real name).

"Blue" responded Zookeeper.

"Blue?" queried Rebecca, Giggle-buttons, and the rest of the crowd.

"Blue" affirmed Zookeeper.

"How do you spell his name?", asked Rebecca, not certain she was hearing this correctly.

"B. L. U. E." replied young Zookeeper.

Rebecca was, in fact, hearing correctly. It was a confusing name, though, as the lizard was...green. It was a green lizard named "Blue."

This is not an everyday occurrence. I've been alive...a long time, and I've never seen a small green lizard named "Blue", and I've seen a lot of things. I once even saw a spider living in someone's hair. I don't know the spider's name, though.

With snack time drawing to a close, Zookeeper stuffed the small green lizard named "Blue" into his pack and continued his day.

Most certainly, I'm worried about the kids. I hear another one of Rebecca's friends takes her toaster for a walk....

March 03, 2009

It's not news to anyone who regularly reads this blog (or my twitter stream) that I'm a big Nintendo fan. I have the Nintendo Power magazine subscription (causing my friend Tim to say, "What are you? Twelve?") and play our Gamecube, Wii, or one of FOUR DS systems as often as I get the chance. For the record, I generally get the chance on a daily basis, at least for a few minutes.

Nintendo has great multi-player games and I love it when we have a chance to play the games together as a family. Usually, however, I end up playing by myself in my unofficial household role as "unlocker of all the cool game stuff." It's my job to unlock all the features of the game so that when we DO get to play as a family, all the game options are available to us. Generally, if I want to play with other people, it has to be online.

So, I was pretty surprised and excited last night when my daughter Rebecca agreed to play Mario Kart Wii with me. She is at that age where she generally prefers to spend time alone, posting goofy self-portraits on Facebook! We were playing for a while and eventually came to the level called "Koopa Cape." A major feature of this level has you following a stream in your Kart, which eventually goes down a large waterfall into a pipe.

The pipe is a single pipe that gently changes direction SLIGHTLY as you are following the water through it. There aren't any branches or choices on which way to go in the pipe...there is just a single entrance, a fairly long pipe that you follow, and an exit.

Seems pretty straightforward, right?

Rebecca got lost in the pipe.

I'm guessing that you probably had to read that last sentence a couple of times to make sure you got it right, didn't you? That's why I left it all alone up there - to make it easier to for you to find! For the most part, getting lost in that pipe is like getting lost in a toilet paper roll. It's not easy!

At first, I thought she was joking when she said she couldn't get out of the pipe. But then I took my eyes off the road for a moment to look at her portion of the screen, and by George she was right! I had driven past her on my second lap around the course and didn't even notice her. In fact, I passed her AGAIN on my third and final lap before she found her way out of the toilet paper roll...I mean pipe.

I'm worried about the kid.

This same girl will be driving in just a few years! I should say that she will be eligible to drive. Right now the evidence is pointing in the direction that perhaps she should NOT drive.

To be fair, she DID do a bit better in the level named "Coconut Mall." Malls are a more familiar environment for her, I guess. I hope she doesn't get the idea that she can drive a car through the mall, though!

February 09, 2009

Probably every generation, and even every particular group, of teens ends up redefining a word and making it their own. Sometimes, like the word "cool", these words stick around to the point they are barely slang anymore.

I think my daughter and her group of friends have picked their word, and that word is "random." By this, I don't mean that they have a random word that they use to "own", but that they have selected the actual word "random."

It's pretty easy to pick out the word that your group of teens have decided to make their own, because it becomes the appropriate response to everything.

I'll give some examples to show you what I mean, and in full disclosure, I have to say that these are completely fictitious examples. I don't have any real examples at hand, because I didn't know I'd be writing about this (making this post possibly random) and it is used so frequently by my teen daughter and her friends that it would be like trying to nail down the meaning of the word "THE" by definitive example!

Example 3: (talking to Mom) "What did you do today?" (answer) "Bought a new car." (response) "That's so RANDOM!"

OK, well, maybe example 3 is somewhat random as both of our cars had over 150,000 miles - obviously we don't frequently change cars! Basically, anything a normal person like you or I would say "COOL!" to, they are now inserting the word "random" much of the time.

Additionally, anything that happens to them or their friends that they don't expect - which covers A LOT, since they are teen girls and apparently don't learn from the past - they will use the word RANDOM to explain away.

Example 4: (talking to friend) "Why can't Fuzzy Hair come with us today?" (answer) "Her parents grounded her for texting friends in the middle of the night, again." (response) "That's so RANDOM!"

I talked to my daughter about this recently, "I don't think you really know what random means, because random actually means 'occurs without any cause or pattern' (my own definition, I should write a dictionary!)"

January 20, 2009

This was originally going to be a reply to my friend Sarah's post yesterday, but then I remembered I needed a post for today, so I'm totally stealing her idea. Here it is!

My oldest daughter, Rebecca, definitely has some of those "Blond Moments." She's aware of them, and everything, so it's not like I am talking behind her back. Plus, she reads the blog; so in many ways, I'm talking in front of her back!

Up until about a year or so ago, Rebecca for the most part didn't have any interest in computers or technology of any kind. This changed rapidly when she got her own cell phone, and even more a few months ago when she got unlimited texting.

Now, all of a sudden, she is tech savvy.

For her birthday this year, one of her gifts was a simple digital point and shoot camera. Without any help from us at all, she managed to get the software installed on her computer and is downloading her pictures and posting them on all the various social networking sites she uses.

I was so proud of her! Well, I was so proud of her until she encountered a little hurdle yesterday that left us BOTH perplexed...but for different reasons.

Two nights ago, she came running up to me in a near panic, with concern and grief practically OOZING out of her.

"Dad", she said, "Something is seriously wrong with my camera!"

A little concerned, since I selected the camera for her and would hate to have my selection proved to be BAD, I asked what the problem was.

"Well", she continued, "I was downloading my pictures and I ended up leaving the camera turned on and hooked up to the computer for a long time."

"So?" I asked. I'm all about asking intelligent questions like this.

"The camera won't do anything now. IT DOESN'T WORK!!!!"

Relieved, I informed her that it just sounded like the batteries went dead.

"That's not it, Dad. Something else is wrong, too!"

She retrieved the camera from her computer, to illustrate the point.

"See!" she demanded, waving the camera around to emphasize its brokenness.

I looked at the camera and saw nothing out of the ordinary, other than clearly dead batteries. I told her that it looked like any other camera with dead batteries.

"No!" she exclaimed, "look! The lens is still out, and hasn't closed up!"

"It's not going to retract the lens with dead batteries" I informed her.

She stared at me as if I was from Mars.

"The lens should just go in when it turns off, though!" She repeated.

"How can it do that if the batteries are dead?" I reasonably asked. "It takes power to do that. No batteries means no power!"

She started at me a while longer, mouth agape, as if to determine what part of Mars I was from...or if what I was saying was some bad joke, then eventually left the room. To be honest, I'm still not certain she believes me.

November 13, 2008

There are a few things that you typically expect of your kids as they get older. Among these are perhaps increased common sense, and maybe even increased balance and coordination - particularly after YEARS of dance class! Unfortunately, this is not always the case. The other night, after returning home from a "Music Man" rehearsal (buy tickets NOW, well make plans to attend NOW...online tickets sales are closed, but available at the door one hour before show time), Rebecca needed help getting out of her snug cotton shirt that doesn't really stretch, much. She is on the left in the picture, my wife on the right. This is also the shirt in question. Click to enlarge.

We were sitting on the couch watching a show, so my wife helped her out by pulling the shirt up enough that Rebecca could finish the job. Unfortunately, it would seem that as soon as something covers her eyes, Rebecca either goes right to sleep like the Bundy kids in "Married with Children" (parents covered them with a blanket on the couch, and they remained their until the parents returned from a weekend trip) or at least just closes her eyes.

I know this, because no sooner did the shirt cover her eyes when Rebecca spun around, collided with a wall HARD, and knocked over a lamp on the end table and nearly the table itself. This is not easy to do as the wall in this area barely extends past the table!

Rebecca, of course, denies that she closed her eyes and also complains because it really hurt to hit the wall. SHE WAS WEARING A WHITE COTTON SHIRT. Light shows through it! She had to be able to at least identify the direction of the lamp. The rest of the room was dark!

This was so much like the scene in Mermaids when Christina Ricci stumbles into the room with a pumpkin on her head that it was scary. I'm beginning to understand why the Wii Fit asks Rebecca if she falls down while she walks, and how she could fall out of her chair AND knock over her desk in school while just sitting there.

I'm worried about the kid.

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In other brief news, our dress rehearsal for "The Music Man" went well. We had over 100 people attend the dress rehearsal, and have had record setting ticket sales. It sounds just like the classic recordings and the acting was fantastic. You owe it to yourself to come see it! Info here. Shows tonight (Thursday), Friday, and Saturday at 7:30 PM, Sunday at 2:30 PM. Tickets available at the door an hour or so before showtime. Doors open for seating one half hour before show time. Come say "Hi!" I'm the guy playing the stack of keyboards/synths in the orchestra.

November 11, 2008

I sometimes write about the slightly bizarre, always humorous, things my kids do and title these posts "I'm worried about the kids."

Well, I'm expanding. It has recently come to my attention that perhaps I should be worried about some of the other kids, too. It's not that I don't think their parents are already worried about them - I'm sure they are!, but I think there is plenty of worry to go around. I am now willing to take on that burden. Your welcome.

For example:

One day, a friend of my daughter Rebecca, whom we'll call "Mint Julep" was sitting in English class one day. Apparently, the class was...um...dull, because she started tapping her eraser on the desk. The tapping eraser was more interesting than what was going on in class for little miss "Mint Julep", and little "Minty" started embellishing the beat a bit.

Little by little, the school supply rhythm section part grew in complexity and volume until finally, unable to contain herself any longer, "Mint Julep" burst aloud into song.

Right. In. The. Middle. Of. Class.

Well, this is the kind of behavior from which school-yard legends are created, and "Mint Julep" was no exception. At recess, the other kids crowded around her, wondering if the legend of "Mint Julep" was true. Finally, a brave and fawning fan asked "Mint Julep" if it was true that she once wrestled a bear into submission while camping. No, wait. That's a different story. Forget about the bear. There is no bear.

Actually, the brave and fawning fan asked "Mint Julep" if it was true that she burst into glorious and unfettered song in English. "Mint Julep" looked the fan right in the eye and responded, "Why would I burst into song in another language?"