100 Legitimate Reasons to Watch the 2012 Academy Awards

It's boring, it's long, and it's (almost always) wrong. So why put yourself through the torture this Sunday night? We offer more than a few reasons to actually tune in to the Oscars this year. Note: Billy Crystal ain't one of 'em

1. With nine nominees, we will likely (hopefully?) be spared host Billy Crystal’s one-man musical medley of songs honoring each Best Picture finalist.

2. George Clooney and Brad Pitt, BFFs who still prank each other in middle age, have the ultimate stage for one of their practical jokes.

3. The Artist director Michel Hazanavicius will likely become the first French-born Best Director winner. Sorry and thanks for playing Godard, Renoir, Truffaut, Bresson, Cocteau, Demy, Tati, Carne...

4. The Artist director/screenwriter Michel Hazanavicius could also become the third person to win Best Original Screenplay and Best Director for a Best Picture winner, joining Billy Wilder (The Apartment) and Woody Allen (Annie Hall).

6. With self-celebratory films Hugo and The Artist leading the nominees (and My Week With Marilyn among them), it may be redundant to present a back-patting montage about the Power of Cinema.

7. Though if we do have to watch one, in tribute to The Artist, it may be a montage of silent films, so instead of the same Ben-Hur chariot races and Forrest Gump platitudes we might see clips of films such as Sunrise, City Lights, Greed, and The Crowd.

8. Tom Hanks might apologize for Larry Crowne.

9. Anne Hathaway and James Franco might apologize for last year.

10. The uncomfortable cut to Michelle Williams when someone mentions James Franco’s inexplicable Marilyn Monroe costume from the 2011 telecast.

11. Billy Crystal already got his deification of Bob Hope out of the way last year with that creepy hologram thing, so we likely will be spared that.

12. Billy Crystal joke predictor: A montage in which he uses the Midnight in Paris car to go back in time and insert himself into all the Best Picture nominees. (Only one of the nine is a contemporary film and even that is titled The Descendants.)

13. Billy Crystal joke predictor: Within each film in that montage, Sean Penn is just randomly walking around for no apparent reason.

28. The audible groans when the slight Monsieur Lazhar upsets A Separation for Best Foreign Film.

29. A Separation’s Asghar Farhadi could become the first Middle Eastern director to win an award in a general category; if he does, it would be only the third foreign language original screenplay, following A Man and A Woman and Divorce, Italian Style—two others films about struggling romantic partnerships.

30. Will Ferrell, Penelope Cruz, Emma Stone, Tina Fey, Chris Rock, and the cast of Bridesmaids will be among the presenters.

31. The awkwardness in the room if Chris Rock (or anyone else) takes the moment to point out that every African-American acting nominee portrayed a domestic worker.

32. Though this ceremony will likely be the first time two African-American women win acting awards in the same year. (In possible related news, an L.A. Times study

33. Statler and Waldorf.

34. Glenn Close will likely lose for the sixth time, joining Thelma Ritter and Deborah Kerr as the most oft-nominated actresses without a win.

41. Melissa McCarthy could also be halfway to an EGOT. (Had "Blame Canada" won an Oscar, Trey Parker and Matt Stone would, incredibly, be the 12th and 13th people to ever accomplish the feat.)

42. James Earl Jones won an Honorary Award, joining Barbara Streisand and Liza Minnelli as EGOT winners, if honorary awards are taken into account.

43. Tune in to see if Rob Lowe was right when he tweeted the winners.

44. Or to see if head writer Bruce Vilanch throws some shine back to LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy.

45. Listening to the awkward self-righteousness of people with no sense of humor about their craft.

46. When else are the Supporting Actress favorite and potential spoiler both going to have shit jokes in their clip reel? (Maybe scatological humor was the missing ingredient in Thelma Ritter’s six losses in this category.)

47. It’s your last chance to complain about Albert Brooks, Michael Shannon, Michael Fassbender, Charlize Theron, Carey Mulligan, and everything to do with Margaret not being nominated before that becomes an absolutely, completely insufferable line of conversation.

61. Root for Drive to win Best Sound Editing, the only category in which it’s nominated.

62. If one-time feuders like Nick Nolte and Julia Roberts or Joan Rivers and Chelsea Handler happen to clash, Ryan Gosling will be there to break it up.

63. Novelty factor: A primarily silent film will likely win Best Picture for the first time since the 1920s, while 3-D films are finalists for both Best Picture (Hugo) and Best Documentary Feature (Pina).

65.Mark Bridges, the guy who did the costumes for Boogie Nights—and every other Paul Thomas Anderson film—might win an Oscar.

66. Paul Thomas Anderson, on the arm of presenter/partner Maya Rudolph, may share some information about his upcoming film The Master while walking the red carpet.

67. More likely, you’ll watch red carpet hosts and journalists make banal conversation with nominees despite only having fleeting familiarity with the films for which they’re nominated.

68. Husband and wife teams: Hugo’s Art Direction duo and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’s screenwriting pair are nominated along with their spouses. (In the case of Tinker Tailor, one nomination is posthumous—co-writer Bridget O’Connor passed away before the film was completed.)

69. After her appearance on Louie and the documentary Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, the red-carpet police chief has piqued our curiosity.

70.Temple Grandin and Downton Abbey aren’t around to sweep their categories.

73. The possibility of a genuinely pleasant surprise. Woody Allen appeared at the first ceremony after 9/11 to celebrate New York films, and Christopher Reeve took the stage for the first ceremony after the accident that left him in a wheelchair.

74. Billy Crystal joke predictor: His face stands in for George Méli&#xE8;s’ moon and he’s hit in the eye with a rocket.

75. Billy Crystal joke predictor: He pretends to be the Hugo automaton and draws a picture of the Oscar statuette.

76. The Best Actor race is actually somewhat undecided and somewhat exciting.

77. After an increase in forward-looking fashion at both the Golden Globes and the SAG Awards, more attendees may move away from the classics and embrace exciting, offbeat designers such as Alexander McQueen, Givenchy, Reem Acra, and Giambattista Valli.

78. And after Natalie Portman wore Rodarte to last year’s Oscars, and Michelle Williams wore Jason Wu to the Globes this year, other relatively new designers like Naeem Khan or Mary Katrantzou may be represented. (Though it’s just as likely, considering the early 20th Century tilt of many of the nominated films, that Valentino’s spring couture line, which celebrates that same time frame, makes an appearance.)

79. Billy Crystal joke predictor: He inserts himself into The Artist dressed in a baggy New York Yankees uniform and does his quarter-century-old newsreel walk-and-wave gag.

80. More New York sports connections: Best Actress nominee Rooney Mara is the great-granddaughter of New York Giants founder Tim Mara (as well as Pittsburgh Steelers founder Art Rooney Sr.) If that isn’t enough of a Giants-Oscars connection, team co-owner Steve Tisch is the only man to win both a Super Bowl and a Best Picture Oscar.

81. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem, looking better than Brangelina, or any other couple in attendance.

82. To see which film about the Holocaust, civil rights movement, or modern war wins a Documentary prize this year.

99. Because if the carrot of the Oscars was removed, major Hollywood studios would have little impetus to make films that weren’t based on comic books, children’s fantasy books, board games, TV shows, or other pre-branded material that appeals to teens and can translate to foreign markets.

100. As we learned from the Grammys, even if an award show is awful, complaining about and following it on social media over a few bottles of red wine is a great way to spend a Sunday night. At least until Mad Men returns.

Scott Plagenhoef is a writer based in Chicago and the author of If You’re Feeling Sinister, an entry in the 33 1/3 book series. The former editor-in-chief of Pitchfork, his work has also appeared in The Village Voice, theatlantic.com, and The Chicago Tribune, among others.

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