Friday, February 15, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Passengers on the crippled Carnival Cruise ship Triumph were said to be fighting over rationed food. Otherwise known as the buffet line.

Iceland is considering a ban of online pornography. It will probably fail when authorities realize that if there is no porn, there will pretty much be nothing left to do in Iceland.

A poll says that 92% of Pakistanis dislike America. The other 8% were neighbors of Osama bin Laden.

A poll says that 92% of Pakistanis dislike America. The good news is that puts us a full 8 points ahead of the entire Middle East, Russia and China.

Time Warner is in talks to sell off most of its magazines, including People and Entertainment Weekly. The sale could net them as much as $7.50.

Time Warner is in talks to sell off most of its magazines, including People and Entertainment Weekly. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s a magazine?”

The world’s largest captive crocodile at more than 20 feet long has died in the Philippines. It went to meet its maker. Or at least the maker of shoes, handbags and accessories.

Traces of the anxiety drug Oxazepam in the water supply are said to be affecting the behavior of fish, making them less social, more active and causing them to eat faster. Which pretty much qualifies them for a prescription for anxiety drugs.

A bookkeeper who stole $53 Million from an Illinois city has been sentenced to 20 years in prison. Looking back, she says if she wanted to steal that much money and get away with it she should have been a Wall Street banker.

The crippled Carnival Cruise ship Triumph was stranded further when a tow rope to haul the ship back to port broke. That will teach them to let their AAA membership expire.

A Chinese state run newspaper slammed the western world’s celebration of Valentine’s Day for causing “debauchery of decadent cadres.” Apparently the editorial writer was mad about being stuck for $75 to send his wife some roses.

Experts say that young people are prioritizing their careers over romance. Mostly because at that age people feel overwhelmed just answering to one boss at a time.

Tiffany is suing Costco for selling counterfeit diamond engagement rings. They knew they were counterfeit when they were being sold in packs of 12.

Tiffany is suing Costco for selling counterfeit diamond engagement rings. The way for people to tell if they are counterfeit is to look at the box and see if it says “Typhanee”.

Tiffany is suing Costco for selling counterfeit diamond engagement rings. The thing is, no one is going to return the rings and let their fiancee know they bought an engagement ring at Costco.

A report says that Midwest farmland increased in value by 16% last year. Mostly because of all the people who want to become farmers now that pot is being legalized.

A report says that Midwest farmland increased in value by 16% last year. Mostly because people are realizing it is a better investment than all the fake farmland they have been buying on Facebook.

A study says that Viagra makes roses last longer. The question is, why waste Viagra on roses when the roses are supposed to give you a reason to use it yourself.

A study says that Viagra makes roses last longer. Although you should call a botanist if the flowers are pollinating for more than four hours.

A Mexican girl who reportedly gave birth at 9 years old is now said to be 12 or 13. Which opens up a whole new market for Flintstones chewable birth control pills.

A college student in New Jersey has started a condom delivery service at his school. He may start expanding to Viagra delivery at nearby nursing homes.

A college student in New Jersey has started a condom delivery service at his school. Apparently he has a half hour guarantee or the baby is delivered free.

The CDC says a strain of drug resistant gonorrhea is on the rise. That could lead to a way to get younger people to abstain from sex. Just tell them the gonorrhea they catch may have been passed down by their grandparents.

An eye implant has been found to restore vision to some vision. Although they patients usually ask to be blind again once they get the bill for the procedure.

Former San Diego Mayor Maureen O’Connor says she lost $1 Billion on gambling. It’s the biggest loss on a gamble by politicians since the Republicans bet the house on Mitt Romney.

Former San Diego Mayor Maureen O’Connor says she lost $1 Billion on gambling. To which Congress says that’s nothing. They blew $16 Trillion on a couple of wars and some tax cuts.

An Argentine woman has married the man who was convicted of killing her twin sister. Talk about taking sibling rivalry to the extreme.

An Argentine woman has married the man who was convicted of killing her twin sister. The most awkward part of the relationship was the first meeting. “Hi, I killed your sister. So, you wanna hang out?”

The Canadian House of Commons has passed a resolution saying they are ready for the Zombie Apocalypse. They know how to handle Zombies. There are whole stadiums of them called curling fans.

Passengers on the Carnival Cruise ship Triumph say they were scared the ship would tip over. Of course, that is a threat on any cruise ship. It can be prevented by making sure there is a buffet on the port and starboard side of the ship.

Pope Benedict XVI says when he retires he will remain “hidden to the world.” Sort of like what the Republicans have been doing with George W. Bush.

Serena Williams is on the verge of becoming the oldest woman tennis player to be number one at age 31. She is getting so old, she now mainly grunts on the court while bending over to pick up the ball.

The Red Sox say their home sellout streak of nearly 800 games could come to an end this season. The Miami Marlins could start their own sellout streak once they start offering early bird dinners during afternoon games.

Kevin Youkilis, the newest member of the New York Yankees says he will “always be a Red Sox.” Which is about as smart as telling your girlfriend she will never measure up to your ex.

Facebook was the top website in December, taking 10.8% of the time spent online. Most of that time was on weekdays between the hours of 8 and 5.

Facebook was the top website in December, taking 10.8% of the time spent online. The other 89.2% was split up between the millions of different online porn sites.

Desktop searches declined for the first time ever in 2012. Mostly because men already have all the best porn sites already saved on their “favorites” list.

Desktop searches declined for the first time ever in 2012. Apparently all the information for the report was gathered by just googling it.

The GAO has put climate change on a list of items of high financial risk to the U.S. government. Of course, the biggest financial risk to the government is still Congress.

President Obama says he is open to getting rid of the penny. When you are already $16 Trillion in debt, you really are past using most coins in any monetary increments anyway.

Nancy Pelosi says she is opposed to cutting congressional pay because it would diminish the dignity of lawmakers’ jobs. When she says “dignity of lawmakers’ jobs” apparently she is forgetting all about those pictures texted by Anthony Weiner.

Nancy Pelosi says she is opposed to cutting congressional pay because it would diminish the dignity of lawmakers’ jobs. Fortunately, Pelosi has had so much plastic surgery she is one of the few people who actually could say that with a straight face.

A survey says that 42% of Americans say they wouldn’t date a virgin. Mostly because they wouldn’t know what to talk about on a date with someone under 10.

A survey says that 42% of Americans say they wouldn’t date a virgin. The other 58% are asking “What’s a virgin?”

A survey says that 42% of Americans say they wouldn’t date a virgin. The other 58% are still gullible enough to believe someone who tells them they are still a virgin.

Bernard Madoff says he wishes he hadn’t pleaded guilty. To which even O.J. is telling him good luck on finding a jury dumb enough to fool on that one.

A survey says that 65% of New Jersey voters are opposed to Geraldo Rivera running for Senate. The other 35% wouldn’t want Geraldo cleaning up their yard after their dog.

A survey says that 65% of New Jersey voters are opposed to Geraldo Rivera running for Senate. The other 74% of New Jersey voters had no comment.

A survey says that 65% of New Jersey voters are opposed to Geraldo Rivera running for Senate. Apparently they are already supporting a run by Snooki.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you had a great Valentine’s Day. I sure did. Now all I need to do is figure out how to get you all to send the love every other day of the year!