Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A few days ago, we went over to a friend's place to watch a movie together. Another Earth. It was one of those films that was wonderful to watch, so full of depth, but one of those films that stays with you, and changes in your mind. The thoughts spin around in waves and things trigger and click in new ways, or as the case may be, back into old ways.

The beginning of a line ... 'have you ever done something unforgivable?' was a catalyst for me, for many thoughts this week. I sit on the subway every day just listening to music with my eyes closed, retreaing into my head, imagining the things I would say to those I've hurt in my life.

I have few regrets, few real, true regrets. Those things you do or say that really are unforgivable. Those words you'll never, ever forget saying. Those things you did which you'll never have closure on. Those things you only wish you could take back, to break open your heart in apology for. Those words you know could have damaged someone you loved, in an instant. Forever.

Is it possible to ask for forgiveness after so many years? Or are things best left buried? Left unearthed. If you did something unforgivable...

The urge inside you is so strong to go back to that person, to apologize, after all this time, but it's such a fine balance. A scary one. Can an apology be seen as selfish? You apologize to both cleanse your own soul, with the true intent of cleansing theirs. But can bringing up the past again just re-open their pain once more? Maybe it's best to let them continue moving forward, as they were, without opening up that memory box all over again.

To turn the tables, a long time ago, in college, someone wronged me. Broke my heart. I had moved forward, but a little part of me was left wounded. We remained civil, friends even, but one night, many years later, and out of the blue, he apologized for what he had done so long ago. That was the moment. Everything changed in me then, and I was finally able to shed that last bit of hurt and move on. My smile grew warmth and my heart settled into pure forgiveness, and it was one of the most meaningful embraces I'd ever experienced. I want nothing more than to bring this same feeling of beautiful closure and love to someone else; that is my one intention.

We are not created emotionally equal. I can only hope that my words, if I choose to use them this time, convey only the sincerity I feel inside.