I know you were going for something easy to push away, but where did you get tarp from? It just feels extremely foreign to what you're trying to show here. Remember, when rhyming, you can find words that seem similar to the previous one in order to give off the right kind of rhythm. Beyond that, there's not much I can really give you. You've got skill, and it'd be cool to see you come out with something a little less cliche.

Ziggy455

Thanks for the feedback Ziggy. Really do appreciate it. And with the whole tarp thing, I was trying to get thatline to rhyme well I guess haha.

It's funny you mention the theme is a little cliche because I based the poem on how the past 6 months have been for me. (Minus the gun part haha)

But yeah emotion can bring out some very creative things in a person. I don't write that often but maybe in the future I'll put something else together.

To quote a famous character, "Nothing is a cliche when it's happening to you." We've all been there, and had a girl break our heart or push us away. It's a way of life for most, some don't feel that pain though. (I can name a few who haven't even spoken to girls) And it's only a cliche because it's something that's been done to death. The vindictive woman, the destroyed man. Don't take it as a bad thing, because EVERYTHING'S been done to death. I'd like to see what kind of stuff you can come up differently away from this. Definitely got some skill in there.

Eminence

For me, it's not that the theme is cliche, it's more your execution of that theme.

Heartbreak is not a cliche. The word 'cliche' is being misused here, really. It's a universal theme; something that happens to the vast majority of people at some point or another. It's perhaps the most common, most easily relatable of emotional crises that there is.

Why else do you think that the great majority of songs are about love – with a good proportion of those being about heartbreak?

So there's nothing wrong at all with writing about it. The issue is that most of your poem has literally been said/written before, line by line, beat by beat. There's nothing new or unique about it.

What would be more interesting – yet also personal and intimate, which could be either a good or bad thing for you – would be to try and explore the more unique details of your emotions and make your poem truly one of a kind. Find those little details unique to you and write about them, then package them in the more universal notion of heartbreak. Alternatively, it can be great to explore these emotions through metaphor: substitute in something else that will symbolically represent heartbreak (the most common and obvious of these, for example, being death itself, i.e. describing the end of a relationship as a literal death).

Nonetheless, writing about this experience can be extremely cathartic, so I hope you found some solace in getting your thoughts down on paper!