And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.

This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.

Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“. And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura: I think you need one of those.

me: You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me: The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100. That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura: You’d be crazy not to buy that. I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

me: Victor’d be pissed.

Laura: Yup.

me: But on the plus side? It’s not towels.

Laura: Yup.

me: We will name him Henry. Or Charlie. Or O’Shannesy.

Laura: Or Beyoncé.

me: Or Beyoncé. Yes. And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura: Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad? Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with. Perspective. Now you have it.”

Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats. He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD. All this chicken belongs to us now.”

Insert-inappropriate-cock-joke-here.

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor. And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN! CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3” but he didn’t laugh. Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was. The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty. It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.

Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds. Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura: What the fuck? That’s it? That’s the only reaction we get?

me: That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.

Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell. Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there. Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. 15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv. Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude. Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”. Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away. Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window. And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.” I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t. Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars. Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him. Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels. Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully. Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him. Beyoncé, that is.

Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

UPDATED 2012: It’s been half a year and people still continue to laugh, scream indignantly and to ask questions, so here are a few follow-ups. Victor and I are still (of course) happily married and after a few weeks he got over his giant rooster aversion. Beyonce stares at him from outside his office window. I eventually got new towels. “Knock-knock, motherfucker” is embroidered on all of them. Victor was not impressed. Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken now has her own Facebook page with over 30,000 highly imaginative fans, and you can buy your own travel-sized Beyonce right here for under $20. You’re welcome world. Now please stop yelling at me.

That is possibly the best purchase anyone has made ever. You would think Victor would be grateful Beyonce wasn’t towels – of the hot pink variety or otherwise. I feel like I NEED to go shopping with you because that chicken was A BARGAIN!! Keep up the good work.

I don’t know if it’s because of the insomnia or the fact I have had a migraine all day or if that was the best story ever but I laughed my ass off. I’m sending my mother this link to with a note saying “Why I am not married” because you really have to build up to that kind of amazingness and I would start it on day one. I also want to know where you that chicken cuz my birthday is next month.

Ok, I ran across your blog from one Ms. AngryJulie on Twitter and holy crap I’m in love with you. Actually, I’m totally sending this post to my own hubby so that when I come home with some piece of randomness (earlier this year it was pillows) I can look to him and say, at least it wasn’t a five-foot tall chicken. That should settle that battle. Love.

Damn. First the tequila gun, and now a five foot chicken. If they have any left, I’m driving to Texas right now. It will make up for the lack of baby pygmy goats in my yard. After you shared the video, and I watched it 5000 times, I decided to get some because they’d keep the lawn clipped, and look absolutely adorable doing it, but no, husband said we couldn’t get them because of “ordinances” or “covenants” or something, so at the very least I should be able to get a five foot chicken. I deserve it.

Aaaaaw, c’mon, Victor, everybody needs a little cock in their lives! Or a big fuckin’ chicken. Seriously? I love you. I wouldve just bought towels. A five foot cock is much more effective. *nodding appreciatively*

Oh. My. Fucking. God. Giant chicken. This is the single greatest thing I have seen in at least the last half hour, and I’ve seen some weird shit tonight. This whole post is the argument for why insomnia is sometimes awesome (even if it’s mostly an asshole).

I really feel like the only thing you can do is add red LED lights where the eyes are located, then wheel that thing next to the sleeping form of your husband. Then you play some loud-ass, hopefully creepily metallic and not at all realistic chicken sounds (which you’ll have to purchase, of course) to awaken him. That can be on the actual anniversary, and he’ll finally realize the value of the sharp, rusty, five foot tall, $300 chicken.

Where did you acquire that metal monstrosity? I ask because my parents (well…it was Mom’s doing) have a rooster motif in their kitchen and I think a giant metal rooster that gives love AND lockjaw is what’s missing.

Also, I am neither drunk nor suffering from insomnia so I hope it’s ok that I read this.

I am silently laughing with tears rolling down my cheeks, trying not to wake up the people who are actually sleeping right now. I never knew I needed a big metal chicken until now. I may love Beyonce more than James Garfield, and that’s saying a lot.

How is it that I have never felt the urge to buy a chicken the same height as menuntil this moment? If you ask me Victor is going to end up loving it. In about a couple of months you should offer to get rid of it and watch him squirm as his pride and love for Beyonce battle out internally. It’ll be at that moment you will know you’ve won.

Fantastic purchase. You just can’t pass up $200 worth of free chicken! Victor will come around. He just can’t argue that logic!

I haven’t laughed so hard in such a long time. Brought tears to my eyes. Although my hubby seems to think it’s because I am currently sleep deprived and have hit the silly spot where everything seems hilarious. He just doesn’t get how funny a big metal chick ringing a door bell is! Men.

I am seriously disturbed by the number of parallels between your story and my experience in grad school.

1. Ridiculous quantity of money spent
2. My adviser frequently threatened to cut people. In the shiv kind of way.
3. No one appreciated the hilarity of my practical jokes.
4. I spent entirely too much time around poultry, including chickens AND turkeys.
5. At least one fellow student had hair like the comb on your metal chicken.
6. Long suffering husband.

That looks *exactly* like something I would ironically fall in love with (that my husband also wouldn’t understand) like Modern Art or WIlliam Shatner. Never change. Hey! Maybe we could all send you one new, random towel. Then you can have towel and Victor can’t get mad cuz you didn’t actually buy them. But imagine his face when he discovered your stockpile of towel. Imaginarily priceless.

@#41 – Cassie
Now see, I was just going to suggest that we all send her a dollar so that Victor could no longer be mad about the chicken because WE paid for it, not Jenny. And well, the story about the chicken is WELL worth the dollar.

It kinda makes me sad that I am divorced and cannot put a giant, shiv wielding cock at the front door–ring the bell and run and hide while my husband answers the door. The fact that a huge metal chicken can make me regret my marital status is frightening. That is one of the most AWESOME uses of $100 not spent on towels I have ever seen!

Also, I think Victor is just secretly jealous because no anniversary gift he buys you could possibly top a 5-foot chicken. Don’t hate, Victor.

And, my mom and step-dad’s 25th anniversary is July 4th. Mom says he picked it so he wouldn’t screw up and forget their anniversary. The kids still forget it sometimes though, but I blame the distraction of fireworks.

I laughed out loud in my dorm when I read this part:
“Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyonce directly in front of his only window. And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.” ”

and because our walls are paper thin my jackass neighbour kept knocking on the wall…….hahahahhahaha

This is hilarious. Poor Victor, though. I can imagine he’s got so much funny going on in his life he just doesn’t know what to do with himself. He reminds me of my third roommate in college, who my other roommate and I accidentally made cry. I can’t remember what we had done, but it was funny and roomie #3 just wasn’t playing ball.

I was at the end of a very shitty day (hubby can’t fly home tonight because of the stoopid volcano ash cloud), but this post has made my day…. quite likely my week (its only Tuesday) and possible my month.
That is so fucking funny I have been crying tears of laughter for 10 minutes already. I had to walk away twice because I couldn’t breath in between the fits of laughter….. omfg… I am coming back here more often!!
Thanks soooo much for the laugh❤

aawwww man this links PERFECTLY with my latest blog post! Oh and I think Victor is amazing for not strangling you. Maybe you should make some Beyonce Chicken cards to sell to negate the money spent on said metallic fowl. It worked for James Garfield did it not?

This post is good for people with insomnia And people who have been camping and therefore felt crap. That’s a *double* win (which is a bit like a double rainbow, only with less crying and more Charlie Brooker…)

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cried!! And cried!! And the kids wanted to know why I was laughing and crying all at the same time. I let them read it………………….but they didn’t get it! Maybe when they have been married for 14+ years they will get it. Or maybe not as they are all males. I get it, and I love it. Thank you for sharing.

On one hand I am really worried for you because you’re not sleeping. On the other hand you are seriously fucking funny when drunk, high or sleep deprived. So I’m conflicted here. It’s like I’m laughing at your insomnia. Or because of it. I can’t be sure. See my dilemma.

PS. Did you find any more info on citronella and valilla essence as a scorpion repellant?

Jenny, I’ve been reading your blog for years and I don’t remember ever laughing as hard as I did with this post. When I scrolled down to the picture of the chicken in front of the door, my coffee almost came out of my nose. Which sort of hurts.

Dang, I with the fights I have with my husband were half as interesting as the ones you have with Victor. On the bright side, we’ll be having our 15th anniversary in a year and a half, so I’ll be on the look out for a large metal chicken. Hmmm. Except I’m in decluttering mode and there isn’t room in his man-cave and we don’t have a back hard (though it would look mighty fine in the front yard, except — despite the size — I’m concert the the neighborhood hooligans would wander off with it)… maybe I’ll try to find him a small, desk-sized metal chicken. It’s a good thing I have a year and a half to find it.

WANT. I’d use it as a chicken decoy, to draw REAL chickens to my front yard. But only because I appreciate nature. And dinner. Because I’m capable of killing two birds with one stone, both figuratively and literally, I think.

Oh my god, I wish we were BFFs and we went shopping together like every single day and bought stuff because it’d be awesome. I have a habit of buying things simply because they are hilarious. It’s why I have a ~1 ft tall colorful chicken in my kitchen.

Also, for Christmas my mom got me a wooden box full of tea. With a cock on it. She said she spent the longest time trying to find some sort of assortment of tea without a rooster so that she would not have to deal with me announcing that I had received a cock box all day long.

Victor should be happy that you didn’t put your mighty cock behind the couch so that anyone who sat back was in danger of being pecked in the head.

This was nothing short of the funniest fucking thing I’ve read all week… maybe all month. “That’s $200 worth of chicken for free!” Just when I think I should stop paying attention to you, you send me this and totally redeem yourself. Once again, glad to be following.

I would love to have a goddamned cock lawn ornament, but I worry that my king cobra lawn ornament would want to eat it (can you see the headlines? The snake eats the cock??) Besides, the lawn gnomes are already stressed out as it is.

You know, maybe he hates it not just for it’s aesthetic value an utter impracticality. No every man wants to be given a giant cock as an Anniversary gift. Subliminal messages are messing with him, telling him he doesn’t measure up… But then again, you can flip that right around and say it is in honor of 15 years of enjoying his “big chicken.” Cheers. VB

Oh. My. God. It may be because I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in a row for the last 9 months, but that was the funniest thing I’ve read in, well, forever. Thank you. And tell Victor thanks, too, for hating towles so much.

OMG. Truly in hysterics over here. Like I had to wait for my breathing to get to seminormal before I attempted typing. I think the best thing for me is that in my pre-caffeinated haze, I didn’t fully take in the size of the chicken, even in the photo in the store, I thought it might have just been a chicken head. But then I got to the photo of the chicken at your door and could not control the laughter as I finally took in the spectacle of what $300 of chicken looks like.
Happy anniversary to you and welcome to the family to Beyoncé.

I didn’t realize until just now that anniversaries are competitive events, and that, if you do them correctly, there should be a clear winner. My wife will be so happy that, after 30 years, I will finally get this right. Can you do birthdays the same way. Mine’s coming up, and I NEED one of those chickens.

Victor needs to get over it. I mean, it could be worse – you could have bought him 2 giant metal balls like we have near the Main Building at the University of Texas, passing as “art.” Course, the theme *is* similar — giant balls, giant cock . . . interesting.

(And I would totally donate a dollar towards the cause to help Victor feel better about your purchase).

Also, have sent link to husband for training purposes. Be thankful we have towels, young man, and no 5ft metal chickens. (Is it just me or does Beyonce remind you of the Wallace and Gromit penguin with a washing up glove on its head? Sinister.)

I am totally filing this little tidbit away for when my husband won’t let me buy something I want. I just hope it’s around our anniversary.

And I already have picked out my own chicken. But it’s a suit of armor from Garden Ridge. I might get two. One in gold and one in silver. Because I’m kind of fickle. And I think I’ll name the gold one Benoit, and the silver one Ray.

Thank you, I’ve never laughed so hard, like ever, plus I’m deep in the throes of PMS-depression, but I now believe that husband-aggravating giant chickens may be the long sought after cure for that affliction…Also, Please tell Victor I’m laughing WITH him not AT him every time I visualize that damn chicken just standing there, being NOT TOWELS, and staring blankly into his window

Did James Garfield teach Victor nothing? Just wait. Come Holiday season, when Beyonce joins The Bloggess League of Unlikely Saints, and starts performing miracles and shit, Victor will change his tune. Unless he *wants* children to go without food and toys?

My did almost the same thing. They were at Burlington and saw this two ducks. They had been marked down from from a lot to $12.50 each. So they bought them and they’ve lived in our backyard ever since. The employees were sad to see them go.

Jenny, I feel I should warn you about the following possibility: Leaving Beyonce in the woods outside is just asking for wasps to build nests in there. Which is fine if you never move him, but if Victor ever does decide to move him… that chicken will not only cut him, but also sting him unmercifully. Once a wasp built a nest right inside the door to my gas tank. Those Texas wasps are sneaky little things. You want to fill up your Jeep and then SURPRISE! an angry disoriented wasp flies out at you.

On the other hand, a giant metal chicken that shoots wasps at you sounds like just the sort of thing that you might enjoy. So, enjoy!

Tell me where to send the dollar and a towel. Seriously. Tell me. Because I have not laughed so hard and for so long… I will totally help pay off that purchase. And lord knows, if there’s anything I love, it’s a huge…chicken.

Honestly I think that Victor is an asshole, because only assholes see the world of huge metal chickens in a bad way. The only thing that would make it better is to have it on your porch and install a sensor that when people walk by it says “Only knock if you have brass ones” Or something like that in the voice of “chicken hawk” … remember him???

“15 Years Is Big Metal Chickens” sounds like the perfect title for the pilot episode of the Jenny and Victor show. Maybe you should start writing it. He probably will forgive you (in time) if you became a big Hollywood writer AND you could buy him a bigger house with more bathrooms, more linen closets (for the towels), and room for the lawn art* collection.

I so understand exactly how you feel. I once bought a very soft stuffed F.R.O.G that was plushy with blue and white flowers at a Mobil Mart because the letters stood for Fully Rely On God and I was drunk and it was like 3 am and how could I not buy a God F.R.O.G that was sending me spiritual messages at a gas station. But some how when I got in the car with my new shaman my husband picked a fight with me and told me I was bad with money and I was all like “DUDE, for like 2.99 I have been saved!!!”

He didn’t believe me. And now the F.R.O.G. sits in my underwear bin being a pervert.

I am so, so glad that if I came home with that chicken, my boyfriend would be all THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING I LOVE YOU. And if I went to the store with him and we saw one, HE would be the one going RACHAEL WE NEED THIS. And I would say: “YEAH we do.” And we’d have a chicken. Where can I get a chicken?

You need to make Happy Anniversary cards from Beyonce now and sell them to help pay for her room & board. Then Victor can’t complain about how you much you spent b/c it was both an investment and you were giving a giant homeless Cock a yard to play in and a window thru which to watch Victor endlessly.

P.S. You should totally put some blinking L.E.D. lights in the eyes then wait till night to turn them on & off to scare the crap out of Victor.

When I have my 15th wedding anniversary in a few years, I want to go shopping with you. Seriously. I will find a way to transport you to Missouri, so that we can go shopping for something equally as awesome as a five foot rusty sharp chicken.

If I had a giant metal chicken…my life would be complete. Especially if it was a freakin $300 quality chicken for the price of $100! I don’t know what’s wrong with the world if it had to go on sale! I’m honestly surprised it didn’t sell out in seconds! >.<

My headache & my vocal baby must be messing with my head. By the end of this it was a 15 foot chicken! Hey Victor, at least it wasn’t a 15 foot chicken standing at your door! Now I must look for the 15 foot chicken for my 15th anniversary. I’ve got 9 years to find him. Nah, I like cats. So it would have to be a 15 foot cat staring down at my husband. Ok, carry on😀

I totally would have rang the bell and hidden as well. But my husband would have probably picked it up and heaved it across the road or something, because he is easy to rattle. lol Happy Anniversary! May you have many more. I think 16 is towels, by the way.

I started out grateful I don’t have to ask permission to buy towels. Now I’m wishing I had someone to aggravate with a giant rusty chicken. Come to think of it, the aldermen who voted against allowing a 4-H member to have chickens in our city might deserve a visit from mega-chicken . . .

First of all, Victor needs to lose the damn attitude, you didn’t get towels, he needs to be a hell of a lot more specific YOU NEVER CLAIMED TO BE PSYCHIC, how the hell were you supposed to know he wouldn’t like a 5 foot metal chicken named Beyonce? Jezus Victor get in the game dude, it’s like you don’t even know her and shit? Be Specific ! When you were all flipping injuring your self in another country all AWOL with her passport locked up and being selfish she was there ( not physically because you fucking locked up her passport and wouldn’t tell her the town because you were huffing mexican jumping beans to deal with the pain or whatever) but mentally dude, she was there. Now this? Let me tell you something dude, if You got Jenny a 5 foot cock for you guys 15 year anniversary she would lock her self in her room and punch shit. Mostly because punching shit would hurt her hands but that’s besides the point. Right now Victor I am pretty upset with your reaction, which is bad timing on your part considering our local 60 year goofy putt putt golf place just went out of business and they have shit tons of crazy huge things for sale. You better get in line man.

Dear Jenny’s Blog,
Jenny can’t be with you right now, but she loves you and misses you very much. She will come back to you as soon as she can, but don’t be scared or sad because we are all here to love you and take care of you until she gets back.

This is, quite possibly, the most hilarious story involving Victor yet. I am at work, and now everyone sitting around me wants to know what’s so funny that I am snorting and yelling “Chicken!”. So, congratulations – you now have like 15 new readers. You’re welcome.

You could position Beyonce outside your bathroom door and she could hold towels for you. Win-win.
The caption “knock, knock motherfucker” made me snort!
Victor is a very lucky guy. Either that or he is highly medicated.

This is why you’re awesome. You do all the stuff I’m too chicken to do.

Also, I’m confused by the sign behind you in the store that says, “Prices are 20% to 60% less everyday.” Why would I buy anything today if I know it’s going to be 20% to 60% less tomorrow? That’s terrible store management.

Did someone already say how this is a classic example of life imitating art? Or art imitating art? Because this is just like Victor is Peter Griffin and that chicken is the Giant Chicken. And anyone who says “Family Guy” isn’t art can just fuck off.

DAMN! I need a Chicken like that! But can I steal the name O’Shannesy for my chicken? I totally have to go to Ross or those other discount places and find a chicken like this. My neighbors would HATE it and it would be awesome and win my neighborhood.

Holy mother, this made my cry, it was that hysterical. I would have unoriginally named him Kellogg, but I’m glad you saw his booty shaking abilities. When he fell in the store you should have demanded a discount because he was dented. Just like the old ladies with cans who always get in line in front of me.

There is nothing I don’t love about Home Goods, nothing. And nothing I don’t love about your stories. And I’m in the midst of a deep fucking depression and haven’t left the house in days, but I tried to sound borderline suicidal on the phone with my psychiatrist’s office so they are letting me come in before July 15, which is when he actually has an appointment open, and when I get to his office and peek around the corner to let him know I’m there: ” Knock-knock, motherfucker….”

Awesome! It’s my 9th wedding anniversary tomorrow and I just bought him a bottle of vodka and made him a card photoshopping his face onto ‘Neo’ from the Matrix (long story… don’t ask). I hope he doesn’t see this post or he’ll want to know how come he didn’t get a 5ft metal chicken. If only it was solar powered and lit up after dark then that would be like the best present ever.
Hugs
DHW x

You know, I was thinking about the James Garfield postcard project to raise money to subsidize the cost of James Garfield and I think the Knock Knock Motherfucker picture would make for an excellent line of anniversary greeting cards.

So I just spent two whole minutes trying to figure out where the bottom half of your body was in the pic of you hugging the giant cock, er, chicken. Because I need glasses, apparently. Or I’m not bright. Either one, really.

Moral of the story: if I get fired for viewing inappropriate stuff on the internets at work, it’s totally Victor’s fault.

I, for one, would like some greeting cards with that giant metal chicken at the front door photo on them, and blank inside. Many sentiments can be expressed via that photo: You say I never come visit, but you should be careful what you wish for; Surprise! we’re having a baby (chicken)!; Remember that money you owe me? I’d like it back; Congratulations on your new pet – oh it’s not a chicken? how banal; Congratulations on the new baby – I’d heard the stork had been replaced but this outsourcing trend is out of control; etc.
Victor, as usual, is possessed of an appalling lack of imagination, but then couples are supposed to be complementary, so maybe he just needs to appreciate how much money Beyonce will bring in. Please let me know when I can buy my greeting/note cards.

I’ve been following you for a while now, and have never left a comment. I have tweeted at you, and you followed me back so I felt like a celebrity for a few minutes one night. BUT I have to say, this is one of my favorite posts EVER, if not THEEE TOP FAVORITE. I’m not sure yet. But I can’t think of another I’ve enjoyed so much. The only thing that would make it better is if I had been there in person. But that would have involved ALOT of stalking and hunting you down and what not, and I’m just too lazy for all that shit. So that’s why I felt compelled to comment. Keep up the good work, and Happy Anniversary!

This was the last post that I read last night. And the first post that I’m commenting on today. It is so memorable. I had to post it on all of my social networking sites, to share the love. Thank you Jenny for making a crappy week so much better. I wish I was in Texas to experience to the joy of shopping with you and Laura. Oh the fun we could have….

Um, I mean, has Victor READ your blog or even been paying attention the past fifteen years? “Don’t buy towels” is like a CHALLENGE to come home with something FAR MORE ridiculous to display your condescending amusement at his restrictions. BAM FIVE FOOT METAL CHICKEN, how do towels look NOW?!

I bought a giant chicken at Pecan Street last fall and had to walk back to our booth with it. I couldn’t see shit and walking slowly as to avoid a cocktastrophe. Still a drunk asshole slammed right into me and down I went onto 6th street with a giant chicken right on top of me. I bet it’s on YouTube somewhere.

Oh geez. That was friggin hilarious. I love the chicken and I absolutely love that you’d be brave enough to drop that sucker off at someone’s house to cheer them up or show them things could be worse. Although that might be easier if it were not 5 feet and weighing in at, say, a decent amount of pounds? Love it.

What a great way to make some extra scratch (pun intended). You can post flyers advertising a private in house Beyonce concert and sell tickets. Download songs sung by chickens (they exist) and when people get there you can play the chicken music. I would totally go!

This is the kind of behavior that tells me you have a failing marriage or at least are headed for one. If your husband was being unreasonable, then you communicate and let it go, putting the ball in his court. You should have given him time to think about it, even if that meant a few weeks of going without your towels. Instead, you went behind his back, commiserated with another friend about him (a betrayal of trust in the marriage) and wasted money anyway on something that, while harmless in and of itself, amounted to a “fuck you” to your husband. If I were you, I would consider some marriage counseling, focusing on healthy communication and problem resolution and compromise.

I very rarely crack up by myself in front of my computer… But this did it. Totally. HI-larious! I’ve shared with my husband and told him to watch his battle-pickin’ or we’ll end up with a giant chicken, too. 😛

Your actions were childish, cowardly and wasteful. All you husband wanted was for you to do what he told you, how fucking hard is it for women to honor their men anymore? Oh yeh, go buy a damn chicken made of scrap metal and put it in his face to purposely piss him off. What the fuck? I really wonder how you’d react if he treated you in the same manner, but hey at least he’s a big fucking joke to you.

PS – I see you only approve positive comments supporting your website and actions because I’d be a bit damn surprised if you actually allowed what i have to say to you on this.

This has inspired me to name the next chicken we add to our flock “Beyonce.”.
I am dying with laughter now. I read this to my coworker, and she’s all “that is SO Jenesque!” which is how she describes anything that sounds like me. I laughed when I saw your name was Jen too, because hey, it’s now doubly Jenesque!

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies
Now put your hands up

Up in the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
You decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cause another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on me
don’t pay him any attention
Cause I cried my tears, for three good years
Ya can’t be mad at me

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it

This was SO funny! I just came across your blog and I am laughing so hard at this post. I’m at work right now and a cleaner is in my classroom and I must look like an idiot because I’m shaking from trying not to laugh out loud while she’s in here! I need a giant chicken on-hand just so I can pull it out when necessary!

I just texted my honey “Knock Knock Motherfucker!” .. he responded with “are you high?” .. little does he know I’m just warning him! I need a giant cock in my life. (And yes, you can read an insult into that.)

Wow. Just. Wow. It makes my chicken with the reflector in its stomach that I got in New Mexico at an awesome truck stop look downright…PUNY. Plus Beyonce has a pink neck. I’m not gonna show this post to my chicken with the reflector in its stomach. It’ll give him a complex. He doesn’t have a pink neck.

I’m trying to imagine what my ex would have thought if I’d brought that much cock home. Sort of makes me wanna get married again! Also, from now on maybe Victor should only be allowed to use the hot pick beach towels?😀 Nice work!

Wow what the hell is wrong with Charlie Red? I never understand the impulse to work up the vitrol to attach a blogger about a persona story. If you don’t like the story- go the faulk away. No one here wants to ready your comment- assmunch.

Seriously, if you ever want to get rid of Beyonce, I will gladly take her. I collect them and the largest one I have is a 3 1/2 foot wooden cock I got on the beaches of Jamaica. I named him Shakespeare. In my house, only the really big ones get names.

Dying over here I am laughing so hard. I just celebrated my sweet 16 with mr. k. I get it. There is a lot to it.
I need that chicken. Or to have you for a neighbor so I can pay it some visits now and then.
*** (200 dollars worth of free chicken?? cracking up!) ****

Well the question to ask yourself now is do you want to spend your future with your chicken or your husband. Because every day he looks at it, it will fester into something that some day nobody will be able to laugh off.

Where do I plan to go from here? Honestly? I’m kind of hoping that Charlie Red from comment 296 is single. Because that man sounds like a joy to be with, and it’s pretty obvious that he’s totally into me.

I think Charlie Red is also jealous of the 5′ cock, though I am hoping that Jenny is coming up with a funny comment to put below his because come on, Nathan/Victor and Blank/Mom were almost as funny as “Knock-knock, Motherfucker.”

This is awesome. Last Sunday, I went to the farmer’s market and forgot that my guy told me not to buy any more tomato plants and I bought a dozen tomato plants. I still have them in my car. Now, I can show him this post and then bring in the tomato plants and tell him “at least it’s not a five-foot-tall metal chicken.” Laura was right. Perspective is everything.

This is easily the hardest I’ve ever laughed at a blog post. And just as I was lamenting having to laugh by myself, my friend came online and was all, “OMG HAVE YOU SEEN BEYONCE? THE CHICKEN BEYONCE?” It was awesome.

Also awesome–how many people think this chicken is going to end your marriage. I’ve noticed that everyone who thinks this also seems to be sexist. Who would have thought “offended by giant chickens” and “sexist” went hand in hand.

Beyonce would make such a great playground toy. Except for the sharp edges.
Slight correction: Beyonce would make such a great playground toy for obnoxious children.

Also, I sincerely hope you have plans to leave Beyonce right next to Victor while he’s sleeping, then play a crowing rooster track at high volume to wake him up. Who wouldn’t want to wake up next to a mildly creepy 5 foot tall possibly psychopathic chicken?

This is too epic for words. I catch so much shit because I came to my present marriage with a serious collection of VERY NICE chickens that decorate my kitchen, AND WAITED FOR 10 YEARS to be unboxed in a kitchen bigger than a cabin cruiser galley. Well played. I could only hope to get such an epic opportunity for revenge.

wow…that there was about 10 minutes waste of Time I shall never see again, I know the ONLY relief I got out of it was this little bit of whimsy words I just had to share…tsk-tsk…some people just really should NEVER live above their means…seriously?!? some of that “wasted” $$$ really could’ve gone to better use to any of our local charities, really…

My husband is in love with you now. He and I both want a giant chicken in our yard because of you. You are awesome. And tell victor that towels require constant washing and drying, giant chicken does not. And the chicken can cut strangers. That baby is totally paying for itself.

Ok…. So after reading this, I honestly think the chicken paid for itself and then some just by the reaction and what happened in the store… I laughed and laughed and am still laughing by it all. I needed that greatly so thank you for sharing… I love it…

You sound like how my sister and I act in a store with a giant chicken. We did something similar but with a giant can of sausage gravy from the dollar store. My parents were not thrilled with the 5 year joke of giving each other the can as a present for holidays. Well I think my mom saw the humor.

This is why divorces happen. This isn’t funny at all! Its hundred of dollars wasted because she couldn’t control her spending. Our economy is in the dumps because of people like her. Next time do something positive with all this money you’re freely wasting like donate to a charity, horrible person.

You named a chicken Beyonce? That is truly great. I will tell you that the only thing better than buying a giant thing you can’t really carry is buying a giant thing that your boyfriend/husband/whatever doesn’t really want and then ends up carrying for you all the way back to your cruise ship where it takes up half of your tiny cabin for a week. Not that that happened to me or anything… (And now that giant Mexican planter is filled with weeds.)

Okay I know I’ve already commented on this post but reading the Nathan/Blank etc comments made me laugh alone. Reading your responses to them pretty much made me fall in love with you. You are simply the most awesome person in the world.

If you’re free I have a few haters I would LOVE for you to batter with your humour words. Let me know.

I’m sorry, but I actually agree with what a few detractors have said, just not to the degree of misogyny they have taken it into. Victor was probably wrong with the tone he set when you left, but your reaction was also pretty juvenile. I doubt you would even contest that statement.

I actually think the chicken is pretty hilarious looking. His reaction to seeing the big dumb thing on the doorstep would probably have been great.

But I think you have to get rid of the chicken. You and Laura had a great laugh, but I think you ought to return/resell the thing. Someone above implied that it will just serve as a reminder of negative feelings every time Victor looks at it. I don’t claim to know how either of you actually feel, but I get the impression that he doesn’t see the humor in a big, sharp, rusty chicken.

And, in the end, you both should get to the root problem. Either, Victor didn’t like your choice of towels and is excluded from the decision (however small) or he felt that buying more would be a waste of money. If the former, it’s as simple as letting him make a couple small decisions (or even set a couple parameters, like a preference on dark blues and greens vs. hot pink). If it’s the latter, dumping $100 on a rust bucket chicken, however hilarious, is really going to be a big problem for him.

If you have that much money to throw away on a goof and an amusing blog post, then I’d hope you would make a matching contribution to a charity of your choice, perhaps http://www.stjude.org/ (St. Jude Children’s Hospital) or http://ww5.komen.org/ (Susan G. Komen, Breast Cancer research).

Anyway, good luck on handling the fallout with Victor, figuring out what the @#$% to do with Beyonce, and the blog.

From Jenny: You were actually very polite in your critique so I’ll give you an actual answer. Victor enjoys my sense of humor even when he wants to strangle me, and vice-versa. We have very similar personalities so that means I don’t actually call the police when he threatens to stab me for buying towels, or when he tries to convince me that I’m going to be attacked by night squirrels, or when he rigs all the faucets to spray directly at me. He actually thought this post was funny and spent most of the day on the phone with my host company trying to get it back online when the server went down. He did, however, mention that he really doesn’t like Beyonce in front of his window so we agreed to move it to my window together. The chicken was $99 and it’s awesome and makes great yard art and was a small price to pay for making so many people laugh. This is actually my job, so technically Beyonce is probably tax deductable and counts as work supplies. Regarding charity work, I’m not sure why every silly expenditure has to be linked with a justification of charity. When a normal person tells her coworkers that she decided to take her family on vacation she doesn’t usually get hit with a “Well, I hope you spend an equal amount on charity”. But, as you are probably new here I will share that I actually do a great deal of charity work here on this blog, and on a twitter account dedicated solely to helping others (@thegoodbloggess). My last silly expenditure (which Victor also was initially not pleased with) was a giant boar head. It too was almost $100, but that same boar head eventually inspired a charity drive 6 months ago (organized right here by my amazing readers) which lead to over $42k in gift cards being raised to help parents who were unable to buy Christmas presents for their children during the recession. You can read about it on the Washington Post. Or on The Huffington Post, where I was awarded “The Greatest Person of The Day” award. (It was a slow week, obviously.) I’m not saying all of this to defend myself, because almost everyone here already knows all of this. I’m just pointing it out to anyone new here. Ridiculous chickens and silly laughter are worthwhile and are nothing I would ever apologize for. My goal in life is to make people laugh. It’s my job and it’s how I support my family. In turn, they support what I write and if they have a problem with something, I don’t post it. I could have added all this to the post but I didn’t. Because this stuff isn’t funny. It’s just life. Which is not usually funny. Unless it includes giant metal chickens. Now, back to random silliness…)

sure it was immature. sure it was crap communication. but that doesn’t mean it was wrong. and hell, it was funny as FUCK and i say any husband who can’t learn to laugh at that doesn’t deserve a wife. all you men scolding jenny for this can go fuck each other. like a train, one ass fucking another ass fucking another ass fucking another. one long, ass-fuckin’ train of sexist chicken-haters.

Actually, my neighbor has two enormous plastic chicken heads in his yard ! I think they are over 5 feet tall, too! Not sure why they are there or where they came from (a restaurant? a holiday parade float?) but they have been there for months! And we are not in Texas!

This so beats my sitting in silence fuming at Ty when he asked me why I was throwing attitude to look at him, petulantly, and say, “Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.” Next time I’m going to purchase something that gets my point across in a more succinct way. Like a Giant Chicken. I aspire to be as awesomely able to communicate as you my dear interweb friend.

I considered not commenting, because I would just be reiterating just how friggin hilarious this was. I literally guffawed! Perhaps now Victor will think twice about fighting with you about something so benign as bath towels!

I think of these kinds of things often, and then chicken out. You make my dreams come true in this regard. It is every bit as fantastic as I imagine. maybe next time I’ll follow through, because ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Can’t. Stop. Laughing. The tears…they burn… *giggle*
I feel for Victor, poor sap. I wouldn’t be able to keep it up like you did. I am full of admiration of you. He is sooo doomed. Hopefully he comes around so he can appreciate your twistedness again.

If Nathan, Blank, and Charlie weren’t being ironic (as the only even remotely non-I LOVE YOU comments it makes me wonder) then I sad about the lives they live. Imagine thinking that women should obey what men tell them to do. LOL. That is a path paved with 5′ metal chickens.

I would love to see the world through your eyes. Just thinking “knock knock motherfucker” sends me into giggles again. Thank you!

I’ve never read your blog before and totally stumbled on it from someones facebook post. I NEVER, EVER laugh out loud while in a room by myself. I can tell you, it’s not a good time to start that practice while you’re at work…with an office full of people. And when the owner came in and I was laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face….probably saying “knock-knock motherfucker” when she asked me what the hell was wrong with me could have gone in a bad direction. Thankfully, she read your blog post too and laughed with me. Thank you so much for helping me laugh out loud and indirectly managing to keep me employed. 🙂

I love it!
My mother always told me to pick my battles, but she was never very specific as to how to go about them, this is a perfect example.🙂 I will never look at towels, or roosters, the same again.

This is the best example of Internet debate I have ever seen. Thank you both for taking a moment to put aside whatever knee jerk reaction you may have had and actually communicate what you think in a way that is not hateful, and for actually listening to what others say. I have been in some online communities made up of people who claim they are “social justice defenders” or “defenders of the marginalized” who treat everyone who disagrees with them as STUPID and EVIL and I hate it.

I may or may not have rescued a 4 foot tall black jaguar hand-painted piggy bank from the garbage room in my apartment building a few years ago. I also may or may not have placed it in the living room I shared with my often cranky roomate. Long story short, she hated Carlos (and I’m pretty sure I saw him shooting her a dirty look more than once), and he often sat on the chair next to me at the dining room table, I dressed him up for birthday parties, and he made the trip home for Christmas and I insisted he have the front seat and I took the back.

It never got old. And then one day she had company over and I relented and let her move him to the porch in the middle of a windstorm.

This post is fantastic! My husband laughed so hard at it that he startled our cat. Although if my tiny yard ends up with a giant, metal, chicken, it will be because of you.

Though I pity anybody who thinks a giant metal chicken could cause a divorce. The strongest marrages I’ve seen always have a good bit of play and a sense of humor on both sides. So by that rule, your marrage may last forever.

Sorry So Wordy = shouldn’t she be in a 3rd world country where she has no access to internet or clean water for that matter, helping someone herself instead of trying to read a hilarious blog! I am always curious when people make suggestions with MY money especially when they don’t do the research to find out where I already donate! I want send her a Bible, John 8:7 But when they continued asking him, he looked up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw the first stone at her.” Also a 12 foot COCK, chicken whatever . . . just had to be said!

Haha! I just read it again, and guffawed again! It’s the line about a really drunk lady being the only person who bought one. Haha, it takes me back to a time my sister and I would shop at our favorite pottery place. They’re no longer in business, but damn we found some great and weird stuff there (stuff only drunk ladies would buy!)

Jenny, I’ve got to wonder if Red/ Blank/Crazies coming out of the woodwork all have the same IP address. Or if they are targeted spam to “Keep down the bitches. They be gettin uppity ideas” The comments are remarkably similar!

It was also wonderful to read your response to the polite detractor (#414). I’m glad to know Victor has a sense of humor like yours. I may have asked this before, but does Victor have a single brother? One who likes crazy blonds?

I wish I lived nearby so you could cheer me up by leaving a giant metal cock* on my doorstep. (does not necessarily have to look like a chicken)

What’s baffling to me is that I linked to this post on my fb and some of the most conservative (and closed minded) people I know read it and found it HILARIOUS. So who does that leave to post hateful comments? The open minded love it, the closed minded love it. Wait, the no-minded? Is that who is being so hateful?

My wife came back from a trip with a 750 pound concrete life-size deer that took 6 men and a hernia to move to our back yard. Every once in a while one of the dogs notices it nestled amongst the yews and growls at it. I would have loved the metal chicken, especially after he rang the doorbell. But this never would have happened in our house – I’m the one always being told “don’t buy any more towels.” Seriously, help me out here – some of them are threadbare, holey and shredding because they were wedding gifts from 32 years ago. We NEED new towels! Even hot pink ones.

I have laughed so much at this tonight, thank you! My hubby (having already read this when I showed him) could hear me muttering under my breath ‘When can I get hold of this…’ (Meaning some pen nibs) and shouted “YOU ARE NOT HAVING A 5FT METAL BLOODY CHICKEN!” He’s just so mean!

I feel so left out. No one is ever offended over my giant cock enough to complain on my blog about it. And I so wanted complete strangers with absolutely no grasp of context to pick meaningless fights with me about blocking comments when all of their comments are blocked. Dammit, Janet.

Am I the only one thinking that hot pink towels embossed with giant cocks and “Knock knock, mother fucker” would be an amazing compromise?

I found this to be petty, immature, and inane. Obviously there is a sense of entitlement going on if you value your stuff more than you value your relationship with the people around you. Maybe I don’t know you well enough, but through the whole story I found myself siding with the husband. It was not funny. It was wastefully and pointless. Grow up.

I used to be married to someone like Victor and thought things like the chicken were hilarious. Now I’m with someone much nicer. We have lots of towels, no 5-foot-tall chickens, and I don’t miss it a bit.

And I imagined we’d have grand adventures around town, me and him at the drive-in, the two of us sharing a sundae, maybe checking in to the No-Tel Motel (yes, we really have one of those in Tucson, SAY WHAT?).

And my husband said, you don’t need to spend $50 on a penis pinata when we have diapers to buy.

But you know what? Fuck him, I’m gonna do it. And have a 3 foot penis pinata ring our doorbell.

Fabulous business idea, I have moms lining up to work for my new “Chicken Delivery Service.” I think we need to buy a flock of these chickens and deliver them all over Oahu!! We have a truck, my tetanus shot is current, and I have a decent pair of running shoes that will be put to great use running from the doorbell chime.

If the giant metal chickens run short, we can hire someone to catch live, wild chickens and deliver them in boxes of say – 40?

And by the way, my husband laughed and agreed that this is something I would easily do. That is why I am nominating you for the “Marriage blog of the year award.” Classic.

Thank you for this story. And I definitely think you need to sell some cards with the “Knock knock, motherfuckers” picture in your store for people to put up on their doors. Though I’d also offer the caption “No solicitors, please.” Also possibly a “This Chicken Will Cut You” t-shirt. I’d take bets that they’d pay for Beyonce themselves, and possibly also some towels.

On the subject of transgendered chickens, I submit for your consideration the University of Delaware mascot, YouDee, the Fightin’ Blue Hen. My understanding was that a hen was a female chicken, but YouDee is clearly male-identified, and is referred to using male pronouns. http://www.udel.edu/youdee/index.html

Finally, it’s clear to me that those who take issue with this situation have clear ideas about traditional gender roles, especially with respect to the earning and spending of money. Admittedly, the ability to purchase a $100 big metal chicken as an anniversary gift without consulting one’s spouse is a luxury not affordable to many Americans in the current economic climate, but since we live in an aspirational society where everyone at least *wishes* she or he could spend a discretionary $100 on a big metal chicken, I say even the impoverished should salute you, because laughter is good for the soul, and free.

Karen posted: The open minded love it, the closed minded love it. Wait, the no-minded? Is that who is being so hateful?

I have to answer, it isn’t about being open or closed minded, it is about where you are in your particular point in life. People who have money to burn, resources, and time are the ones who will enjoy this and maybe find the humor somewhere. If you are like me where we are struggling, living on a budget so tight that sometimes there is not enough for food, and have had to give up luxuries such as new towels than you can see where fighting over finances or spending $100 in order to make your husband mad does not sound funny. I am sure that in 10 years we will find this funny, but now, it just seems wasteful.

I imagined us going around town together… sitting head to (ahem) head watching a movie, sharing a sundae, maybe slipping into the No-Tel Motel together (yes Tucson actually has one of those, SAY WHAT?)

And my husband said, you don’t need a penis pinata… NO ONE needs a penis pinata. I said, how do you know that unless we get one? It might become indispensable.

Other commenters want a giant metal rooster but I *need* a giant metal rooster. I do. Out here on My Side Of The Mountain, NC people put life sized Jesus statues in their front yards and dress them in robes & capes. Purple capes, black robes, haven’t seen a Superman cape yet. Check it out: http://picplz.com/user/jessica1011/pic/6td4t/

I need a big ass metal rooster to put in my front yard and dress in a Superman cape so I can keep up with my hillbilly Joneses neighbors. Can you picture a big old metal rooster getting his Jesus Cape on in my front yard?http://picplz.com/user/jessica1011/pic/gkxf7/

Also, does anybody else find themselves trying really hard to click Like for 92.8% of these comments? Anybody?

Wait!!!! I accidentally hit ‘Done’ and I wasn’t!
Third – comedy is her job, therefore giant chickens are a business expense (Seriously? I need a jOb like that). And Jenny also uses her powers for good and organized one o the most amaIng charity events I have ever witnessed or participated in.
She IS better than Morher Theresa; she didn’t seem to have any sense of humor….
Rock on, Jenny, rock on.

Ahhhh…lighten up baby, I am in love with you! So damn funny; the men’s comments…they dont have a clue about the time you two acted like you had a meth lab one morn while at the convenience store in your pajamas!! That was too damn funny as well! Love, love, love it!

Is it wrong that I read comment #363 as that she was tired of buying her husband *whales*? I thought she was trying to outdo you like, “Oh, you think giant anniversary cocks are cool? Well, I’ve bought my husband anniversary *whales*!”

Damn, I’d buy giant cocks and whales if I had the money! You rock, girl!

Thank you for this. Who knew a picture of a giant metal chicken named Beyonce standing menacingly at your front door was exactly what I needed to see? I showed this to my husband as a warning… Then again, I *have* brought home a hat that looks like a panda bear. (Panda’s name is Mortimer. Let’s face it, he’s no Beyonce.)

So I read this to my hubby because I so could have done it and he laughter until he cried which he hasn’t done in forever..we own our own construction company…..so the post was like charity and therapy rolled up together. You ROCK!!!

I simply MUST know where you procured this enormous fowl!!! Please, Bloggess, I beg you – the name of the Giant Chicken Emporium…..there are long-running ( I’m talkin’ years here) chicken jokes at my office – I would be the biggest hero if I showed up with this!!!

Having a crap day at work and you suceeded in making me snort into my coffee – Thank you. If Victor will pitch in the cash you can ship it to OZ and Beyonce can live with me in the Crab Shack by the beach, it would be like his retirement. I promise to send Victor picture of Beyonces new life. xx Grumpy Fat Crab

I cannot thank you enough for this post and the joy that it has brought to my day. I flipped the link to my BFF this morning with the (totally serious) tagline “If this is marriage, I am IN”. As a result of the ensuing IM conversation she is compelled to buy a tiny chicken and put it somewhere prominent in her house. She will not disclose the meaning of the chicken to her husband (who just won’t get it) but it will be an unending source of amusement for her and I. Thanks for letting us share this. Also, I may need to make the “Knock-knock motherfucker” photo my screensaver.

I tell my boyfriend almost every day that reading your blog is looking into the future of our relationship. (I have anxiety issues, and Boyfriend’s copes and loves me anyway. Although to be fair, I don’t have anxiety wigs, I just change my hair color every time I feel like giving up and hiding behind the faux logs in my non-functional gas-free gas fireplace with my bottle of Xanax.)

Anyway, he took my laptop when I couldn’t stop laughing after 5 minutes of re-reading this and, after reading Victor’s reaction to the epic doorbell ditching, I think he’s finally beginning to understand.

I can’t believe how this made me laugh. My husband the whole time looking at me like I have finally gone round the bend so to speak. If I weren’t terrified of chickens I would so go out and buy one. I will definitely be on the look out for a 5 ft animal of some variety though.

This was truly hilarious, as per usual. I love how you owned the humorless visitors. I also think that may have been the real Bob Costas (454) as he said “it sure don’t make a healthy marriage”. That type of grammar kills me.

By the time I was finished reading this, I had tears streaming down my face as I laughed hysterically. This, in turn, caused my husband, my son and my dog to come rushing into the office to find out if I was okay. Thank you so much for sharing this hilarious and yet, poignant story about how we, as women, can get around just about any directive our husbands give to us. I’m off to find my own “chicken” for an upcoming anniversary…:)

Oh my God, I think you killed me. I laughed so hard that I fell of the couch and hit my head. My brain is probably swelling right now and I will be dead in a couple of hours, but it was totally worth it. If I don’t die I will be laughing for weeks whenever I see something even remotely chicken-related.

I love you (and Victor) so much, but I think I might love Beyonce more.

And who linked this post to the self-help forum of people with sticks up their asses? Or is it the same humor-challenged person posting all over again? Dude, whoever you are, go somewhere else. I’d tell you to go read up on Victor before you get your panties in a bunch, but I don’t think you’re *really* worried about Jenny’s marriage.

Hubby sometimes gets annoyed with my blogging and blog-reading (he just doesn’t get it, as much as he tries, the poor dear), but I showed him this post and he thought it was GENIUS. The picture is hilarious, and now he’s quoting “knock knock motherfucker” every few minutes.

AND THEN I showed him the negative comments (and your perfect responses) and he got his back up and all defensive of you! So cute.

Just thought you might like to know that even people who aren’t necessarily as in love with you as I am agree with your logic on this one. It’s a hilarious post and it made hundreds of people very happy. Including the two of us. Bravo!

Props to you Jenny! I’m betting that any man you’d marry, HAS to have an awesome sense of humor. When you two are old and gray, you’ll look back on rusted out Beyonce and laugh. I think Victor may not want to admit that he thinks it’s pretty hilarious too.

That has to be the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. First time visitor to your blog, brought by a link on Facebook. And at this very moment, I too would be more than willing to send $1 and a towel.

Thanks so much for making my day! I sent this to my husband with a note about how lucky he is – he laughed like hell. And reading the comments here reminded me how lucky *I* am – I’m soooo glad I’m not married to one of these humorless men.

My husband is still using towels we got for our wedding in 1981. I have moved on to new ones, but not he. Guys must have a thing about towels.

On the main drag in Kerrville, I saw a place that sells the 3-D giant Texas stars that can pose in your front yard. You need one to match the chicken.

What, are you in a subdivision with rules against putting chickens in the front yard? You could decorate it for every holiday. I used to have a neighbor with a cement goose on her doorstep that had a new costume for every occasion. More creative family fun embodied in a metal chicken.

I am linking to this post on Facebook because I simply can’t keep it to myself.

Bloggess (Jenny) Please don’t let any of the self proclaimed therapists standing on thier rickety soapboxes ruin the genius behind your posts(s), Your humor makes the day for thousands and thousands of readers. I know, I am one of them. We are all here to follow you and your random silliness by choice. If there is a negative opinion regarding your antics, then those who are so free with thier meanness should follow there own therapeutic advice and wash thier own windows before they peer into yours. I love what you post. And I love how you unselfishly share the humor, connections and relationships of your personal life with us. You are brilliant, and fun and an individual and I shudder to think that the uninvited mean spiritedness would bring you anything but a tongue in cheek reason to keep us all laughing all the more. : )

Geez Jenny, how dare you waste your husband’s moneyy… blah blah blah Obviously some don’t realize that women are allowed to work and earn their own these days. I’ve reread this several times today. Keep brightening the world one blog entry at a time! You’re awesome again!

jack Shiite #516–I really tried not to respond to this, but I have to. The reason that women get beaten to death by their husbands is because they are married to men who can’t control their anger. Nothing a woman ever does EARNS being beaten–much less to death. Please, please go to some anger management classes.

Nathan, blank, all the obviously oblivious hate trolls are the same person. Semantic and syntactic analysis are concise methods for determining authorship. This is a deeply disturbed personality that seethes with hatred at your universal approval and popularity as he/she sits sipping at a glass of room temperature vinegar and water.

This is hilarious, but I have to admit, if money was remotely tight I wouldn’t spend a hundred bucks on a giant metal chicken….given that it’d probably end up at a thrift store for way less money eventually.
❤

OMG…pure genius once again. I have to say, I was reading this while sitting on the couch and the hubz is trying to watch The Voice. I cracked up laughing…almost to tears…and got a look like I have 3 horns sticking out of my head. I didn’t even try to explain. He doesn’t understand to awesomeness that is James Garfield, so clearly he would not begin to understand something like a 5 ft metal chicken named Beyonce. I think Victor secretly loves Beyonce and is just pissed he didn’t spot her first. Of course he loves the new view from his only window. We need a pic of said view!

I’ve been wanting to say ‘knock knock motherfucker’ to someone all day, and haven’t yet found the right opportunity (it’s still early). Anyway, I randomly came across this http://www.houstontech.org/photos/28/in/2/

You just made my day. Thanks Victor for being Victor. Thanks Laura for taking you shopping and knowing you well enough to know you needed a 5 ft chicken. And, thank YOU for blogging the best laugh of my day!

I’ve been laughing on and off for the last 20 minutes. First from the post… and now because of the sad deluded men who really seem to think they know everything about someone based off a blog post. Yikes guys, I think you need to realize that women are entitled to free thought. And yes, spending money on a giant metal chicken now and then. If it had actually been a big deal, odds are, it wouldn’t still be in the yard.

Also: Giant Metal Chicken for 15 years? WAY better than crystal or watches.

Nice… two years ago my girlfriend made this “amazing” find at a yard sale – a basket of glass rods. The woman selling them was an amateur glass-blower, and these were the practice pieces or excess or some other unwanted by-product of her hobby. I was on the other end of the driveway, inspecting something completely useful and practical, like a pile of 1983 Star Wars comics, so I didn’t hear what she told my girlfriend, but next thing I know I’m $10 poorer and schlepping this 30lb basket of glass rods to the car. “When i organize the study, I can decorate it with the glass,” she assured me. I tried to point out that she knew nothing about decorating with glass, this just was the leftovers from *real* glass decorations, and the study was never going to be organized if she kept moving in this crap she found at yard sales. No luck. Twenty four months later, the study is still a mess, and we have 30lbs of glass rods still sitting on the floor. Well, beats a metal chicken.

I found this link to your blog on a friend’s FB page and had to read it. The crazy thing is my husband has wanted a giant metal chicken for our yard. NO KIDDING! I have been the anti-Beyonce here. Now I’m rethinking my opposition. Maybe if I agree to it, I’ll just get towels! BaaaHaaaa!

A friend sent me the link to your blog this evening. OMG!! It’s 3am and every time I look at that bird at your front door I crack up. I have to stop looking now so I don’t wake the whole house up. I think it was an EXCELLENT purchase and a thoughtful anniversary gift. I’ll bet you can do some great holiday decorating with Beyonce too. I’m thinking a witch hat & cape, dress her up like Santa, you know how folks dress those dumb geese up. This is the gift that can keep on giving!!! What a hoot!

If my lady ever did this to me, I’d just have more proof I had found the right woman to share my life with. She tolerates my insanity, I hers and somehow this crazy thing between us has been working for 15 years now as well. We are just nutty enough for each other and it sounds like you and Victor are the same. When I stopped laughing and started reading comments, I had to say something from a man’s perspective… so here it is! Keep on keeping on!

As an amusing aside, I ended up here via link when I shared a gift my lovely crazy lady sent to me at my work with a friend. Big metal chickens really must be the new millenium’s 15th anniversary gift!

That was such a great laugh. I am new to your blog and have been working my way backwards as well as forwards because I enjoy your sense of humor so much. I think this is my second favourite post – the first one being where you had Victor take photos of you with hamburgers before you went to Japan. You are a terrific writer with a wonderful sense of comic timing. Thanks for sharing.

this is why young people need counseling before getting married and having kids, and the reason we have a 50% divorce rate. She sounds like an immature spendthrift who is used to getting her own way and her husband is in a tight spot with her. He’s in trouble if he leaves or stays.

I read this aloud to my husband just before he left on his annual mens’ camping trip to the High Sierras. He laughed his head off. However, I think there’s a really good chance he won’t retell the story to the guys. I’m totally loving this!!

My Tuesday Morning (where I met Eustice) has some smaller versions of those that totally BOUNCED when you touched them. It was SO hard not to buy them up so I could have a flock of bouncing chickens in my patio garden. My husband shook his head when I told him how lucky you were to find Beyonce! I am totally jealous! Can everyone send Eustice $1 so he can have one too?!

Omg! This is the funniest story ever. I was literally sitting here LOLing til I cried. Hilarious. And I totally think you need to go back and buy Beyonce a friend — the only thing better than one 5′ tall chicken, is two. Ahahaha

My 15th anniversary is next March – now that I have read this with my husband, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I end up with a metal chicken of some description as a gift. Thank you for the laugh, it is a great story told really well

Not only did Victor get the gift of Beyonce for your anniversary, he got the reminder that being married to you in unlike being married to anyone else. A giant, shart-edged, metal, clearance-priced reminder.

I just read this to my husband and we both almost wet ourselves laughing. (Of course he totally understood where Victor was coming from with the whole ‘office abuse’ scene, whereas I was with you in front of the tv/hiding). This is going viral on Facebook Down Under. Just so you know.
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BB

Ok, so it could be the bottle of wine I have drunk but Im sitting here pmsl! I dont get why Victor is so peeved about Beyonce! Beyonce will stop theives breaking into “his only” office window and stealing something important

I absoultely LOVE this!!! I really should keep up with the proper gifts for the occassion because I missed a perfect opportunity to get a giant chicken…DAMN IT ALL!! What would have made this better is if you would have put a new towel around Beyonce’s neck to help wick away the sweat on hot days!

I got this link on my way to work and seriously started laughing so hard in my car I couldn’t drive. knock knock is what did me in. I am sure the commuters at the stop light behind me didn’t appreciate it when I couldn’t go on green but it was so worth the horns honking for such a good morning laugh.

OMG. I think I love you. That is the funniest story I have heard in a long time. I am sitting in the kitchen laughing out loud while my teenage son sleeps down the hall. I hope I woke him to the thought that his mom might be a little crazy. It’s good to keep them on their toes. I want a big metal chicken, now. Have a great day, because this made mine!

I absolutely am new here. I tried to make very few presumptions about either Jenny or Victor because I got here via a random Twitter link that got retweeted around to my feed.

@Jenny

I appreciate the response. The charity thing was probably uncalled for, and I am overjoyed to hear how active you are in your own charity work. Thank you, also, for the background about how you and Victor are much more on each other’s wavelength than a first-time reader would understandably glean from this post. Given those facts: Long live Beyonce, the sharp, rusty chicken.

P.S. “Knock knock, mother fucker” and “The chicken has a shiv” were highlights of the post. Excellent comedic writing.

The next gift – towels with chickens embroidered on! It would almost be funnier if he was the one to give them to you ;D

I wonder if there is a way to put a speaker inside the chicken and play songs like the Chicken Dance, the Bird is the Word and the theme that Family Guys plays when the huge chicken fights some character!!!

It’s good to know I’m not the only one to enjoy having a less than conventional relationship. The 5 foot chicken was *genius* I tell you! I’m trying to find a life sized statue of a Yorkshire Terrier to give my partner for Christmas. To match the real Yorkie we have, Gizmo. Makes perfect sense yes? Yes?!

Jenny, I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. Thanks! I’m going to print this for my mom who doesn’t have the internet.

Nathan, you’re making big assumptions. Maybe Victor and Jenny work out their fights with jokes like this. Maybe they have such a strong marriage that Jenny knew he’d get a kick out of Beyonce eventually or he’d get the message this way easier than a long, drawn out discussion about towels. Anyone who thinks that their spouse is going to honor “trust” and not “betray” them in a marital argument over not letting someone buy towels or something else equally trivial is being silly and has no sense of humor. Maybe Victor realizes that he has a jewel in Jenny and he wouldn’t trade her for the world, because who else is gonna ring the doorbell with a giant metal chicken and then tell him the 15 year anniversary is for huge metal chickens? That’s gold.

Jenny, great come-backs. Now I have to go read the rest of your blog. This is my first visit thanks to my great friends on Facebook who were cracking up over it. xo

My husband and I also have fights (well, intense discussions) about towels, but ours are about the proper (half/half/thirds, also known as “my way”) way to fold a towel, versus the improper (half/half/half/wad into the linen closet, also known as “his way”). Our towel-issue has been going on for the entirety of our 20 year marriage, although he officially “won” a few years back.
We were “discussing” the topic, while folding laundry together, and he stopped and looked at me for a long moment. When I looked up, he said “You know… some day, I’ll be gone. And your towels will never be folded anything but your way, from then on.”
Now, when I stumble across one done “his way”, I may curse, and I certainly do re-fold it, but I also think of it as a reminder that I’m blessed to have his presence in my life for all these years.

I cannot believe how many people from every subset of friends and relations I have, have (justifiably) reported this. Not only has it appearred again and again in my FB and twitter feeds but it’s stalked across every yahoo group and listsev on every topic. Completely viral. Go you!

my parents bought a rusty metal chicken (rooster) in mexico. and they had it above their cupboards in the kitchen. anyway my mom was cleaning and apparently their mexican chicken was rickety like Beyonce and it fell off of the cupboard onto her head. and cut her open. so they panicked because of all of the blood and called 911 and when the ambulance arrived and they tried to explain how she sliced her head open, they had to say the rusty chicken did it. let’s just say that my dad received some evil/odd looks like they did not believe it was really the chicken.

You, my dear, need to be published. I see you as the 21st century Erma Bombeck whose books started out as a series of newspaper columns. I know you’re ‘published’ online but I want a book of your best. Or 2, or 14.

I think my comment was eaten by Beyonce… I believe I insinuted that Beyonce was a cock rather than a chicken … but with its comment eating ways I now believe it truely is a female… as only females are that vicious..

Classic! I don’t really want the chicken, but it is a classic. I am dying to send this to my friend Sue. She would so understand because she and her cohorts could so pull the same sort of thing. It’s great that you and Victor can keep your marriage ‘fresh’ with humor. I am not so cool.. would have just bought the towels anyway and took the dirty looks. Showing this to my daughters now!

Awesome. Utterly awesome. If only Beyonce, or her ilk (do 5 foot chickens have ilk?) had been around when I went through my own Towel Trauma with my ex. (He didn’t like the new bathroom towels because they were too soft and absorbent. Huh?)

This reminded me of my husband! But he would at least appreciate the chicken, seeing as he works for a poultry company. Of course, he’d make me return the damn thing, but he’d get a laugh out of it just the same. Totally made me giggle.

And I congratulated myself on my restraint for NOT buying the cute little sheet metal chickens at Dollar General last night. For $6 each. With adorable little metal tags around their necks spouting pithy sayings such as “It’s the simple things in life” and “Welcome to my garden.” Because spouse does not appreciate the artistry of the ornamental chicken.

I think I’m going back there today, and those metal chickens are coming home with me after all.

Maybe I missed something while skimming through the comments, which are predictably almost as good as the post itself, but is nobody concerned that this is clearly a MALE chicken? Named Beyonce, an uncommon name known to most people as a famous FEMALE? Anybody else hearing the line from “A Boy Named Sue” and thinking, “My name is Beyonce! This chicken will cut you! You gonna die!” Really, Jenny, good thing he’s rusty metal, because if he ever came to life and decided to get even, you’d need the sound of his clanging and squeaking to get away in time.

I’m thinking the chicken needs to keep moving around the house. One day she needs to be in the shower, your bedroom, the closet (if she fits), and basically anywhere thats rediculous. With a straight face you have to explain why shes there.

Shower: “She got dirty so I wanted to rinse her off.”
Bedroom: “The rocks on her feet were moved last night so I wanted to move her inside to keep her from being stolen…” (this is also good to try and put the moves on Victor and have the chicken facing the bed….creeeeeppppyyyy)
Closet: “I was wondering where I put her…..”
Kitchen: “I was making eggs….reminded me of her”

For the 25th reunion, you should really consider investing in a life-size terracotta soldier replica, imported from China. (You could name him Jay-Z.) Or, you could just have one of my mom’s. Please take it away. Please.

OK, so now we all need to buy stock in the “big metal chicken” business because clearly this is what has been missing! Women across the country are clamoring to own one. I’m not even married and I want one…you know, in case I get married. (chuckle snicker)

Yeah! Finally made it to the end!!😀
Been reading this all day (well, afternoon) and did nothing else, yet…
…AS I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING!
Tears running down my face, jaws aching and belly hurting! And the comments! Even some of the neg. comments could not stop me from falling of the sofa.
My Doggy is looking at me time and time again, wondering what the hell I’m doing, but it was all worth it. When MOH comes home in a bit, he will wonder why my eyes look so red…
You. Are. So. Very. WONDERFUL!!!
Thank you so very much for being who you are and having the graciousness to share your humor with us, sometimes it is all that lightens my day.
“Knock, knock, motherfucker” WHAAAAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAAA
…Gotta go now….. hooohooooohoooooo *snort*

I read this post yesterday and went through all the comments and wondered why no one mentioned the fact that the chicken was full of whiskey. Which would make the chicken the greatest thing ever. I had to read the post three times before I realized that the chicken was “full of whimsy”. Still amazing, but now I understand why Victor wasn’t as excited as I would have been if my wife brought home a 5′ chicken full of whiskey.

Can Beyonce be trained? Because if she could become a murderous hen-pecker and pay a visit to “Nathan” and “Blank”, she could be a 5-Foot Metal Killer Chicken, which increases her Awesome Value exponentially. Hello college tuition for Hailey.

Or she could just punch a hole in boxes of wine with her beak. Equally cool.

OMG! That is so completely hilarious! Unfortunately, I have seen that rooster before… on my neighbor’s front porch! They sell them here in NW Arkansas along with.. wait for it.. anatomically correct metal goats. I know, I know! When is the husband’s birthday? The goat would be so cute at the front door celebrating his birthday. “Naaack Naaaack, mother fucker- just kidding” 🙂

Comment # 296. . .Let’s see, you bash someone for not approving your comment (that was quite obviously posted) and yet on your blog…oh yeah lookie there…NO COMMENTS ALLOWED?? Chicken shit. 5 foot tall chicken shit🙂 Not the greatest gift to women are you? I know I would never be with a inferior piece of dirt like you.

I find the implication by some of the naysayers here that our intrepid Bloggess is spending *her husband’s* money, rather than her own, to be disquieting. I’m sure he’s made his share of infuriating discretionary purchases about which she is also not amused. As many others have pointed out, a marriage doesn’t get the chance to make it to the Big Metal Chickens anniversary unless the couple have reached a certain level of detente in their efforts to keep the spark alive through acquisitive warfare. Plus, makeup sex is hawt.

Oh, Jenny! *wipes eyes* As usual, I don’t know which is funnier: the story (classic!), your usual commenters (witty!), the troll comments (wtf?), or your responses to said comments (hilarious!).

Your story reminds me of the time I convinced my best friend to buy drunken pig bookends in New Orleans. I may have used a line similar to Laura’s. Oh, her husband was ticked. But the pigs loll merrily on either side of their fireplace to this day, one sloshed on wine & the other burping beer, and my friends’ marriage is still a happy one.

I just was let go from the company I have given my entire life to for over 6 years today -very unexpectedly, due to downsizing. And I REAAAALLLYYYY needed this! I have been laughing my ass off and crying for the last hour, still havent made it part way through all the comments, and really need to find myself a big fuckin chicken to keep this in my head!!! thank you so much!!!

omg….TOTALLY laughing. saw the link to this on FB. My husband and I would totally do this to each other and both be laughing hysterically by the time it was all over.
I have been looking at those roosters for about 4 years now and have not found one under 200$ even at the flea markets. of course we don’t live in town, so it kinda fits our rural landscaping a bit more.

I would pay good money to see a picture of you, Jenny, in the panda suit, holding James Garfield, standing next to Beyonce. Of course, this could never happen or the universe would just implode from sheer awesomeness, but…wouldn’t it be amazing?