“Coronation Street” recap: The Duckworth Advances

Last time we talked about Corrie, I forgot to tell you that Kevin made a pass at Sally after they found out Sophie wasn’t going to die from falling off that church roof. (I love recapping this show; where else can you write sentences like that and have them be absolutely true?) As soon as Sally’s lips touched Kevin’s she remembered the taste of cheating bastard and the shock of SECRET BABIES, so she hopped right up and Sallyed around the house, stomping and shouting and full-on shimmying in her fury.

It’s Monday morning on Coronation Street, and Sophie and Sian have just popped out for some milk where they apparently ran into Rosie, who wants get an early morning start on planning the logistics of Kevin and Sally’s impending divorce. Sophie says Sally is entitled to half of the Webster’s assets and Rosie agrees, but also thinks maybe they don’t have to let Kevin know that’s what they want. Because, see, if Kevin ends up with everything, they don’t want to have alienated him with their sense of, like, fairness and justice, because if you think he is mature enough to value those things above sheer blind loyalty, you haven’t met Kevin Webster. Also, if you think he won’t let his own children stave or be homeless or wander around drunk in the middle of the day, up, up, up to the top of a building — you still don’t know Kevin Webster.

Sophie goes, “That’s really Slytherin-y of you, sis.” And Rosie’s like, “Maybe. But there’s a reason Draco Malfoy was the best dressed student at Hogwarts.” And Sian’s face is my favorite thing happening today, in response to this Sorting Hat discussion, and also just — everything else that happens in this episode.

Their argument is stopped short when they see Sally holding an absolutely enormous bouquet of flowers sent (presumably!) from Jeff. Tyrone wanders by talking about how her prefers some kind of Big Bacon Sandwich to flowers (so do I, good sir; so do I), and then Sally gets a call from her solicitor telling her she’s hopeful about the money. Sophie literally goes, “Yeah, so’s Rosie!” And then she laughs and Sian laughs and my heart is as warm as Christmas morning.

You know whose heart isn’t as warm as Christmas morning? Sally’s. ‘Cause those flowers weren’t from Jeff; they were from Kevin. She actually tries to shove them up his arse. You’d think he’d learn his lesson, but Kevin’s thing is not learning his lesson, so he sends her a new car next, and if she could lift it with her bare hands, Sally would have probably tried to shove that up his arse too.

OK, everybody, pay attention! See this new boy:

He’s about to concoct some plans that involve a little lesbian whose plaid shirt collection is only eclipsed by an enchanting laugh and a winning smirk. Some plans that are going to carry him all the way through the summer.

The new boy stops by Sophie’s corner shop for some snacks and some mild flirting. She’s surly with him, even for Sophie, but it gets him going until she short-changes him. He says he paid with a 20; she insists he paid with a 10. She’s like, “That usually works for you, does it? Flash that handsome smile and hypnotize the till girl into giving you 10 pounds? Not here, wanker.” He’s like, “You think I have a handsome smile? So do I! So does everyone!” Sophie hates him pretty good already, but then she hates him more when she realizes he did pay with a 20, and she’s going to hate him even more in about six minutes.