Saturday, January 23, 2010

Today my fake cousins threw me a bridal shower! IT WAS PERFECT. Seriously, they did such a good job and quite a few people showed up. I got a ton of great gifts. It was even cooler than my birthday.

Though most gifts were kitchen related and I'm not so hot in the kitchen. *cough* hint hint. One of my favorite presents is pictured left. A board with lyrics to our song. Awe. So tender. My other favorite is a huge pair of pearl earrings, gotta love pearls. I got lots of cook books, kitchen supplies, gift cards, checks, lingerie (rawr), and knick knacks for the house. I also got a gift card to the spa!! Holler!! Can you say wax the woo cause that's what I'm gonna do! (too much information?) Also they asked future hubby and I questions about each other. We dominated. I mean we both got 100% so that's saying something. And the way he answered the questions was so adorable. I seriously got so lucky with him. :) I honestly never thought there was someone out there who would treat me so good, love me so unconditionally (yes, even on my birth control mood swings) and who listens to me so intently. Anyway, I am blessed. The only one who didn't seem to have a good time was Yumi. She was pretty bored which surprised me...I thought she would be all over the wrapping paper and gifts. Can't you just see the pure excitement in her eyes??

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I'm getting married in 10 days! La la la. I'm so flipping excited! I went and got my completed dress today and it looks beautiful! I can't wait. Seriously, the closer it gets to the wedding, the farther away it seems. I can't wait until we are sealed for time and all eternity. Ghent actually gets here in 5 days. And then we have to go get our marriage license, rent a tux and all other kinds of things. So the list gets longer...

So that cool little pill that at first made me feel so womanly, then neurotic and what not, is called Yaz. Now, I am just writing about this as a warning to anyone with pre-existing heart conditions...AVOID YAZ!!! At all costs. No, legit. I used to have really, REALLY bad heart problems. To the point the Doctor told me I was seconds away from a heart attack, and if I was lucky enough to live through it, I would be hooked up to a heart monitor for the rest of my life. Scary. Well obviously I got the medical attention I needed at that moment so that heart attack never happened. But it took over 6 months for my heart to make a good recovery. To this day it is not as strong as a 25 year old's heart should be though. Now comes in Yaz. I haven't had chest pains, palpitations or shortness of breath since about 6 months after I got word on my heart...so over 1.5-2 years ago now. Doctor prescribes me Yaz. Two days later massive chest pains all day. Three days later, these chest pains are waking me up at 3 am. It literally felt like my body was shutting down. I mean, such painful chest pressure, my heart was quivering so badly that my actual chest was quivering, my vision was going very far away, I was shaking and could barely breathe. In the past when this happened, I would basically eat as much protein as I possibly could and it would lessen the effects. So this night (2 nights ago) I crawled up the stairs, grabbed OJ and peanut butter and sprawled out on the kitchen floor. I basically downed half a jar of peanut butter for the protein. After laying there a bit, things got better slowly and I fell asleep. But it scared me a lot. I didn't tell anyone because I thought it was nothing. Until it happened yesterday too. Then my Dad tells me Yaz has been linked with heart attacks and other heart problems. WHAT?!? So here I have my already weak heart and Yaz. That is like asking for a heart attack. So today I am quitting those little pills and I'm going to try something different. But fast, cause I am getting married in10 days and I do NOT want a honeymoon baby.

But seriously...only 10 days from now I will be married to the best guy ever.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Those awesome womanly pills of pregnancy prevention are making me a neurotic disaster! Was I forewarned of this? Yes. Did el Doctor know it was going to make me so psycho? Nay. Am I crazy? I would like to blame it on the pills which are making me a legit woman. Just to give myself some credit, I am not normally like this. I mean usually I can keep my crap together. As of late, the table has turned. Speaking of tables, my claustrophobia is back, full on.

*I know claustrophobia has nothing to do with tables...

I went to Mexican food tonight, you know the places with re fried beans, lots of cheesy goodness, deep fried tortillas and gobs of calories? Delish right? Equation of proof: Ash+claustrophobia+chicken enchilada+family=Near Panic Attack. Serious. I hear colonics help with anxiety. So if I go get my bum pumped apparently...poof. Anxiety gone. I only know because my fake cousin is doing this. It helps her. I mean if I wasn't in public, I am pretty sure I would have curled up in the fetal position and just sobbed my mind to retardation. Am I normally like this? NO, at least not in the last 2 years. In the past, sure, but times are different now. It's those bloody pills. I mean, I have not had such intense "issues" until day 2 of pill usage. But I am going to stay strong! I'll give those blasted little woman legit pills another few weeks. Let's just hope I am not a wreck on our wedding day. Kill a rat. Ghent might change his mind about me..."uh, is it too late to back out?"

Moving on to happier things. I just started Dan Brown's latest book. The Lost Symbol. So, SO, SOOO good, as of thus far. Mind you, I am not that far in. But his books are usually pretty readable in a stay up all night and morning kind of way so that all your co workers think you had a wild night and are hungover. Little do they know, I am not the wild hungover type, rather the wild book worm type. Ultra sexier though.

Sooo when I was working today at a little boutique my fake cousin on regular colonics owns, I ran into the past. Of course on a day when I rolled out of bed, threw my tangled hair in a pony, doused a little mascara and ran out the door. My socks didn't even match and I am pretty sure they were dirty. It was one of those mornings. Anyway, in walks someone from my high school. High school was a long time ago, but you have to understand...High school traumatized me. I was a loner, like the kind who hid in the bathroom during lunch or walked the hallways staring at her feet. (Sr. year I made some friends, so it wasn't all bad) Needless to say on the day I am looking particularly stellar, a former classmate enters the store. I am socially awkward. I'll just throw that out there to have it be said. So I start tripping all over the place, knocking things off the counter and making a royal fool of myself. But it's cool cause I totally made up for it right after by turning a brilliant shade of tomato. It's a special talent of mine. I pretty much blush on command. Well the convo went well...you know the ol' "Oh my gosh, HI! What have you been up too?" Brag about yourselves a bit. And you go on your way. But legit, I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack I was so nervous. Even my chest was throbbing! Who does that?? It's the pills, I just know it.

So I'm giggling, sobbing, screaming, gnashing, hysterically laughing and blaming my new issues on the pill. Damn those oral contraceptives.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

I am getting hitched in 2 weeks! Exactly. What kind of food am I serving at the reception? Good question, and one I have been putting off for as long as possible. I HAVE NO IDEA! So my wedding designer, floral designer and family friend thinks I need sandwiches with an olive. What? But I will most likely go with it, because thinking about enough food for a little over 100 people, overwhelms the neurotic part of me.

Dress update: Thank you AbCircle pro for shaving a bit off my waist and getting rid of holiday cookies and junkies. The dress now fits marvelously. And I had my 2nd dress fitting, it is going to be so beautiful! I pick it up Wednesday morning. Speaking of the AbCircle Pro, isn't that totally like a sex machine. I mean look at it, it's so sexual. (unless I'm flying off the back gripping onto the handlebars for dear life while belly flopping like a whale, so sexy)I've always made fun of Texas. Now I am moving to that big ol' state down south. It's not Texas that I dislike, it's the people who have moved away from Texas and all they can talk about is how great it is, and they don't realize cowboy hats, belt buckles and boots just don't fit in with the northwest. Yet, they go on wearing those western ensembles like they were straight from the Chanel runway. So needless to say, my first trip to Texas was not as western as I thought. I did not see one single cowboy hat or pair of boots. So when my fiance tells me we are moving to Texas, I was pretty A-Okay with that. Until I realized the Northwest does not fit in with the South.(more on Northwest vs. Texas later)I feel like a real woman. I have started the pill!! Bum bum bum...drum roll, Ah thank you. Like, only woman take the pill. I'm 25, just starting it. That legit makes me a woman. Thank you birth control for making me legit.

Enough about that. Moving on...

Books, books, books. I went to a Sushi place last night with an old friend and her husband. That was a blast. I mean lets be honest, I totally thought I was keeping in touch with her because I was facebook stalking her basically. Come to find out we actually haven't talked for about a year. Whoops. But she facebook stalked me so I don't feel as creeeepy. Weird, I totally thought we were keeping in touch.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I am the happiest person right now. But I am struggling again, more than I have in a while. I'm not too concerned, but I just want it to go away. Tonight while talking to a friend, I was asked how I am doing. I told her I am doing great, asked her how she was doing. She said good, but it's always there. It is always there. I am so good at pretending I never struggled, so good at bluffing myself into thinking it was never a part of me. But lately, it's getting too hard to pretend. For the past few days I have driven around town trying to figure out what to eat, I would pull in some place, panic and leave, then try another restaurant. Same thing. A few days ago, I went to buy a cake for the wedding. They asked me to try some samples, "NO! Thank you very much." Well if you don't have time we can just send some home with you. "NO! I DON'T EAT CAKE, IT'S FOR THE GUESTS!!!" Umm...ok. Crazy Lady. I love cake!! Why in the world did I panic and tell them I don't eat cake? So since I have been struggling (translates into forgetting to eat) these past few days, I decided to make/force myself to go to Red Lobster. Alone. Cause right now, there is no way I am eating with people. Shrimp linguine please! Oh wait, just box it for me, thanks! Apple crumb ala mode please! Leave the extra box. Drive home panicking that I ate anything at all. Curse myself for a whole hour. *sob* *scream* *curse* <--ok exaggerating there. But I'm feeling pretty traumatized right now. Lame-O I know. Hey, don't hate the crazies! I will not relapse, I will not relapse, I will not relapse. Does anyone believe me? I just want to relapse for a little while, just long enough to feel good about myself before I get married, then I can go back to eating like a piggy. Pretttty sure everyone I know, parents, friends, my fiance, former therapist and dietitian would kill me. I don't want to hurt everyone again. It would only be for a couple more weeks though. This is me, sitting on the fence.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Oh my, what a night last night. I awoke to my parents' cat whizzing all over my pillow at 3am. Jumped up and ran the entire bedding through the laundry. No bueno. So I have been zonked all day. But bridezilla still accomplishes everything she needed to do in amazing time. And then, I get an email. It was an email from the most loving, genuine man, my fiance. I shall not post it for it is deeply personal between the two of us. But I will say one thing about it. I am the luckiest and happiest lady bird with him. As Juno once brilliantly said, "He is the cheese to my maccaroni." I know that Heavenly Father had him introduce midget hot chocolate to me for a reason. He is my better half, soulmate, main squeeze and to top it all off ridiculously goodlooking. We will have a blessed and happy marriage, I feel so, deep within my soul. Anyway tonight I go spend the night at my grandmothers, she has been asking me to come out for the past few days now. And since my bed is still ripped apart and going through wash numero tres, tonight is the purrrfect night. And so I depart with one final thing to say:

"The world's a roller coasterAnd I am not strapped inMaybe I should hold with careBut my hands are busy in the air"-Myronda's facebook.

Monday, January 11, 2010

The one time in my life I want to be knock-out gorgeous, my looks go down the crapper! And I just realized after trying on lingerie the other day, how pale I am. Is it bad if the bride glows in the dark? Bum bum bum, trying to be sexy, Shabam! GLOWING NUDITY. Hot. Sooo anyways, I feel like a legit wedding planner. I mean I am crossing off my huge list of things to do at amazing speeds. I am basically a comic book character, I'm that good.

And humble.

Today I had a dress fitting, my first one. The only problem: Zee dress is a wee tight around the tire. Apparently those christmas cookies and junkies were not carrots and celery. Who knew. And my dietician always told me there is no such thing as bad foods. I call BULL, been calling it for years. They just wanted to fatten me up. Alas, wedding dress says otherwise. Lose weight. Yes Ma'am. So the new goal: In 2.5 weeks, I am eating very healthy, exercising on that blasted AbCircle Pro, and dancing my butt off with DDR. Don't most brides do this months before the wedding? I am a little late about getting into shape. I blame it on the dietitian. Washboard abs...prepare to meet Glowing Nudity! *Note on the AbCircle Pro: I don't believe I have it set up right. Last night while flying around on it to Lady Gaga, the knees went flying off the machine, resulting in a not so graceful belly flop atop uncomfortable machine. Was that not supposed to happen? How come they never show Jennifer Nicole Lee flying off the back of the AbCircle Pro whilst grasping onto handlebars for dear life. I need to work on my dismount.

Let me tell you. It is someone (not to be specific, me) who is straddling the fence between relapse and recovery. It's also just about those other many factors in life that just have you feeling stuck in one place for too long.

This is my second attempt at a blog. The previous I deleted, as it was mostly written by Ash on sleeping pills, around the same time I woke up in a snow bank during a snow storm wearing shorts and Nikes at 1 am. Needless to say, weird things happened and weird things were said. Luckily I sleep without aid now, so this blog is my brain, not on drugs and not so intense.

My life has taken me down many different roads. Most of which have been full of pain and fear. The past 2 years have been a healing process for me. I have learned to cope with the past and not look back so much. I have began accepting things about myself I never thought I could. I can embrace those things which used to make me feel isolated and misunderstood, now I am proud of the things which make me different. I am grateful for all the trials I have stumbled upon throughout my life. They have made me stronger and more empathetic towards others. It is one of the many reasons I have decided to pursue social work as a career. I want to take those negative experiences in my life and help women who do not feel strong enough to see themselves as a Survivor.

Probably any postings for the next month will be wedding updates, because I am getting married January 30th and I am freaking excited about it! So deal with it, cause I am one stoked bride!!!