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Meri Brown

No need to wait until Christmas to get the present you've been waiting for! Last night, TLC gifted us with two, yes TWO(!!), episodes of Sister Wives. Kody Brown's hair was full and flowing for the special occasion. Let's start with the first installment, shall we?

After their laughable pitch for My Sister Wives' Closet, Kody and his hair are anxiously awaiting to hear whether the investors took the bait. Christine is nervous, and Robyn is feeling a sense of urgency about her business baby. A terrified Janellecould care less about the company (can you blame her?) because her trainer wants her to climb a rock wall. Meri is heading to Utah to check on her house and catch up with a friend from kindergarten. At the rock wall, Janelle wants to vomit. I hate heights, but I think it looks super fun. She's a foot off the ground when her nerves get the best of her. Seriously, she could jump higher than she just climbed. Janelle is determined to conquer her fears and is able to touch a rock about five feet in the air. Son Logan is with her, and he's enjoyed seeing how much confidence his mother has gained in her weight loss journey.

I don't know why TLC and ABC didn't think to make last night's episode of Sister Wives as a crossover with Shark Tank. Can you imagine Daymond John or Mark Cuban reacting to Kody Brown's hair and Robyn's whining as they pitched My Sister Wives' Closet? Christine could model the jewelry wearing her finest medieval garb! What a missed opportunity!

The wives are working on a business plan because apparently showing up and just asking for money doesn't work with venture capitalists…they like presentations. It's crazy that rich people won't just give out money to tacky online jewelry boutiques!? Robyn and Kodi are rocking denim tuxedos and whining about goals and differences and hopes and dreams and teamwork. Meri complains, and Janelle is the only one with any sense of vision, organization, and focus. Shocking. Why is she still here? Run, Janelle, run! We'd all support you! Kody decides the family should take a day to figure out where to go from here, which is a great idea considering they have to pitch themselves and their business in twenty days. I love that the two people who claim to be the most invested in this company are the two biggest procrastinators in the Brown bunch.

So we've got a new opener for Sister Wives…not the words, but at least the outfits. That's a plus right? Some wives are happy while the others are doing what they should be doing…freaking out at the revelation that they are in this polygamist situation while cameras watch…

Several children and Meri Brown are celebrating their birthdays. If you ever have enough children to infringe on your special day MORE THAN ONCE, I'd venture to say you're having too many children. Kody Brown is grilling out for the birthdays, and in anticipation of his birthday and his anniversary with Janelle. Christine could care less about birthdays, she just wants to grow My Sister Wives Closet with some investors. Gracious. There are people who want to put their money into this situation? Christine is channeling her inner Martha Stewart when thinking about what "their brand" can accomplish.

Kody and his hair are stressing about his wife house jumping, and Robyn Sullivan Brown is all about Kody bonding with her kids. Robyn and Kody bicker about her son having Aspergers. She wants to do what's best for him, while Kody thinks it was a ridiculous diagnosis. Let's forget about that gem for a bit, because there are a lot of birthday and anniversary celebrations to tend to in the meantime. Meri loves Keith Urban and she does everything in her power to straighten Kody's hair so he can be the Australian prototype she wants. At least line dancing is good for something!

Hey, I like Sister Wives just as much as the next gal (is that really a thing?), but it seems like some fans are crossing the line! While we all realize that Kody Brown's beautiful, wind-blown, stringy golden locks are probably best appreciated in person, that doesn't mean that someone should just break into the family's cul-de-sac compound for an up-close and personal relationship with his hair…and his multiple wives!

That said, first wife (and actually only legal wife!) Meri Brown posted a vague tweet Tuesday that makes me think that some fans are straying from tours of the Vegas strip in order to get closer to the polygamist clan. I can't elaborate on the story, as it's just one tweet, but please feel free to tell us what you think in the comments section. Once read, it's quite creepy if you infer what I'm inferring! Was there a trespasser in the Brown's cul-de-sac?

Tamron Hall is a saint to moderate the Wives Tell All episode of Sister Wives, but I hate she has to start off immediately asking about the commitment ceremony and that damn mission statement. Of course, Robyn pipes up first with a very canned and rehearsed response. I am so distracted by how much make-up they're all wearing. Has Kody been spray tanning? Is that Botox? It looks like Truely may have done poor Janelle's make-up, and Christine appears to have been styled by Minnie Mouse.

Meri's emotional roller coaster over being an empty nester is revisited. Mariah may be going off to college, but at least she has her wet bar! Meri admits that she still doesn't know what her role will be in the family. She may want to take a sabbatical to find herself. Robyn is angry…she helped Meri raise Mariah, and she wants the favor returned. Kody's face is going to give me nightmares. Robyn thinks that Meri has so much to give to the remaining kids. Meri likens her loss to if one of Kody's wives died, but Kody reminds her that she still talks to Mariah everyday. She needs to get over it.

It's finally arrived…that dagnabbit commitment ceremony on the finale of Sister Wives.. It certainly took long enough, didn't it? The celebration of Kody Brown and his women is in full force. This party is much bigger than it needs to be I anticipated with 200 guests and multiple items from the rental company…not to mention 7000 individual servings of food. Yes, you read that correctly. Meri's sister is at the helm of the kitchen with her mom is in charge of determining the portion sizes. She loves math. The kitchen looks like a Pinterest nightmare.

The event planner pretends to be excited about the inauguration of the mission statement. The wind is whipping through the cul-de-sac compound, and canvas displays and strings of lights are swirling around like Dorothy's house. Thankfully, fashion designer Sam has enlisted her mother to help with the dresses. I am concerned that Sam is going to snap. Janelle is missing a sleeve and Robyn is missing a dress. Sam has totally given up on the Meri's colossal nightmare. Can you blame her?

Blah, blah, mission statement, yada, yada, yada commitment ceremony. Give me something to work with, Browns! Last night's Sister Wives was more of the same as the family prepped for their big party. The yards of the cul-de-sac compound are almost complete, so that's one thing they can check off their list, but what about dresses for the wives and the actual mission statement itself? Kody jokes that with four wives it's easier to make decision because it's like he has a committee to get things done. Christine recognizes that in a monogamous relationship there is no tie-breaker. It's so profound.

One of Janelle's friend's daughter has just graduated from school with a degree in fashion design, and she's volunteered to create four custom dresses. Each wife has a vision for her dress because, you know, they're "fashion designers" in addition to being "jewelry designers." Not surprisingly, Meri is asking a ton of questions and has countless opinions. She wants edgy, not elegant. No worries there! Janelle admits that she has warned Sam the designer about how picky particular Meri can be. I guess we're not the only ones still harping on her need for a wet bar!

Kody and his wives are meeting with their family therapist to get assistance with their mission statement. Christine fancies herself quite the writer, although her wife counterparts aren't too sure. Robyn gets choked up every time they read over it. Of course she does. She's mainly concerned with how the completed mission statements will be displayed. Somebody call Cracker Barrel to get some ideas! Kody wants the statement immortalized on canvas and signed by all the wives. Janelle is worried that putting it on canvas could be limiting if Kody gets another wife. While she doesn't foresee Kody getting another wife, they didn't foresee Robyn coming either. Ouch. Kody thinks he's pretty much done with wives. Meri is worried that once the the mission statement is completed and the commitment ceremony is over, the family will sink back into dysfunction. Kody wishes Meri wouldn't be such a Debbie Downer all the time. Amen.

Last night's Sister Wives once again showed us what a stand-up guy Kody Brown is. Not only does he have those luscious locks, but he's Father of the Year up in here! The episode was quite the downer as he and Christine's daughter was admitted to the emergency room with kidney failure. Thankfully, the little girl is much better now.

Kody and his wives are preparing for their commitment ceremony by buying a ton of flowers for their party. No one is more shocked than Janelle that she's actually looking forward to this celebration. Apparently, all the wives like calla lilies. It's really the only thing they all agree upon…well flowers and Kody. They plan to put a tree on each table as a center piece. Robyn is thrilled by their "Tree of Life" theme. Christine is super excited that the commitment ceremony will also highlight her freakin' family mission statement. Next, the brood moves on to cake tasting. Kody wants to design the cake to look like (drum roll, please!) a tree, and it will only cost the family $8,500, or a semester of college for one of their umpteen kids. Poor Kody mopes about what could have been with his dream confection.

Mariah is heading off to college, so I am sure there will be a lot of tears. As she packs for her adventure, Meri informs the camera crew that she and Kody are going to surprise Mariah with a car, and they will be throwing her a joint going-away/birthday party. How many parties do these people need to have? How much money do they need to spend? Meanwhile, Christine is taking Truely to the pediatrician because she's lethargic and cross-eyed. The doctor sends Christine directly to the emergency room fearful that Truely is suffering from kidney failure. Kody is napping (spending money you don't have is exhausting, y'all!), and Robyn goes to wake him with the news. Kody speeds off to the hospital in his midlife crisis car.