Why is everyone so hellbent on making the abstraction of a “comics community” into an actual, touchy-feely thing? I barely want to see the owners of my local comic shop – a rag-tag, sexless lot who smell vaguely of pot and sardines – let alone hang out with them after hours for staged readings of been-there, done-that Black Widow/Tigra shipping fiction or watching bootleg DVDs of Flash Gordon. Thanks, but I have a Mom for those sorts of things. Yet, some schlep in – get this! – “Erie, PA” (as if I’m gonna believe that’s a real place!) wants to host a string of “pro-Geek” events that will all culminate in round-robin choruses of “No One’s Got a Crush on Peter”, I suppose. And he’s calling it “The GeekERIE”. SOOOOOOOOOOO clever!

What are these events, you may well ask, since The GeekERIE wants you to pay for them? Apparently, getting a pedo-van is step number one to promoting “community”, which just makes the rest of us look bad! I can just hear Fredric Wertham crying from his grave, “I told you so!” What else could this poster mean but being forcibly taken by strangers I have nothing in common with except a love of adventuresome heroics in sequential narrative form and going to a Con together? Staying a hotel? Eating together? Meeting people from around the country who share our passions? Buying memorabilia?? Oh, and some late-night hotel shenanigans, no doubt.

NOT ON MY WATCH!

The most unoriginal of events: Zombie Tag and/or LARPing of some kind. Sweet Moses’ bully horns, aren’t we done with Zombies yet??

And I don’t even know what to make of “Hero Prom”. It sounds like a chance for nerds who never got any to finally get some. Hey, Border Patrol! Watch out for a sudden influx of Spanish Fly in Erie! Just follow the VW Beetles and their caped drivers to the main event if you need to make your vice quota.

Then The GeekERIE goes full-tilt War on Christmas by offering pictures with a German demon instead of the traditional White Santa at the Mall. What does Krampus have to do with comic books? Seems like there’s a lot of “dressing up” going on here, if you know what I mean.

All this “community” talk is just talk since The GeekERIE is going to bring madness and tentacles to the small stage at the expense of its audience’s health and mental well-being. I’ll bet they’ll charge admission, too. And who’s going to foot the bill for all that counseling? ME?!?! Thanks, Obama!

This… I can’t even. There’s more dressing up to be had here, too, according to the Kickstarter site. This Sean McGrath guy who’s running the campaign, cute as he may be, doesn’t have the assets to pull off bad cinema and low-cut black vampy outfits. Yeah, his beard is adorable and his skin is pale like Andromeda starlight, but it takes more than those on a horror host to make me watch The Evil Bong in public again.

But, hey, that is just me being me, believing that comic books are best enjoyed without ever having to meet another fan. Ever. The myth of a “comics community” should stay that: a myth. If you believe differently, fine. But you’ll never catch me at The GeekERIE in my pleather Green Lantern suit. With custom power battery. And ring.

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About the Author - ThanosCopter

ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.