"Pshaw!," I exclaimed on behalf of a certain person of note who doesn't own a car:

("I'm looking for my car but I can't find it because I don't own one.")

I then answered their question with another question:

Or at least I would have if I had had time. See, the life of an artisanal urban farmer is quite demanding, and I had to go collect the eggs from my artisanal chicken coop so I could make an artisanal omelette to go with my artisanal Froot Loops. Also, it turns out that if you get lazy and don't collect the eggs then more chickens eventually come out of them, and next thing you know your luxury Williamsburg condo looks like this:

The exposed beams lend my home a rustic feel, and the red lighting fixtures are bold yet in keeping with the overall minimalist theme of the loft--minus the thousands of chickens in it, of course.

Incidentally, you may have noticed that beneath Mario Cipollini's pantsless haunches sits a Specialized bicycle, and further to yesterday's post I found myself reading the comments on the Velo-whatever article to which I had linked. Most of the comments consisted of readers relating various other tales of Specialized's insidious litigiousness, though there were a few voices of support for the Red Tide, including this one:

Ok, but Specialized is one of the--if not the single--biggest sponsors of women's cycling...

Well, bully for them, but how much support have Specialized lent to women's flossing?

Actually, as it turns out, quite a lot, for each member of Specialized-lululemon will receive the new S-Works McLaren Venge crabon fiber toothpick:

Laterally stiff yet vertically compliant, the S-Works McLaren Venge toothpick is available in the full range of sizes for every tooth gap, from "micro" all the way to "British." Retail price is $7,000, but you can always skip the S-Works and opt for the $5,000 "Pro" version which uses a different crabon weave while only adding .00007 grams. Sure, retrogrouches will scoff at the notion of a crabon toothpick, but really they should take a good look at themselves, since they pay almost that much for their fancy wooden hand-carved Rivendells:

("Steel is real and wood is good." The complete Rivendell line of dental care.)

I understand a lugged version is already in the offing.

Meanwhile, while perusing my tablet I also learned from James Huang's Tweater that those two Volagi guys (the ones who are getting sued by Specialized) recently filmed a local news segment about the whole affair right off the TV and then uploaded it to a popular online video site, giggling to themselves all the while:

As for the news piece, it cites the Volagi's "never-before-seen features, like disc brakes, and a seat stay that bypasses the seat tube and connects to the top tube:"

Wow. I hope these aren't the "trade secrets" Specialized is claiming Volagi stole, since needless to say both those things have been around for a long, long time. Ultimately I suppose it will all come down to jury selection. Sure, the typical American could easily be convinced that these things are new, but a single bike geek on that jury will sink Specialized's case like the Lusitania.

"Objection!," some guy who looks like Yehuda Moon will shout as he stands up in the jury box. "Hellenic stays, commonly associated with builders like Hetchins, bypassed the seat tube and were first used in 1923. I'd hardly call that 'never-before-seen.' [Gigglechortlegigglechortle.]"

Sure, he'd be fined for contempt of court, but he'd also become a hero of the retrogrouch community, get his face on the front page of the "Rivendell Reader," and maybe even receive a sweet retrogrouch-themed abdominal tattoo:

Though as always, women of all kinds would continue to ignore him.

Speaking of retrogrouchery, it can occasionally flirt with foppishness, and yesterday I took delivery of a garment so outrageously foppish that when I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror I ask myself if I have any Grey Poupon:

Evidently while I was in London some local hoodlums must have broken into my youth hostel, measured my body, and made me a jacket.

Having only just received the jacket I've worn it once so far, and that was yesterday, during which I took this lousy photograph in the traditional "I have no friends so I'll just hold my phone out in front of myself while riding" fashion:

(When I said I was going "full douche" I really meant it.)

As it happens, yesterday was quite cold (or, as wearers of bespoke jackets call it, "bracing"), and the jacket did keep me sufficiently warm. Besides that, I won't say anything else until I've explored the roughly 900 pockets and managed to wrap my mind around this thing, but if you'd like to help me put it through its paces feel free to do so by throwing gooey things at me as I pass, since this is the sort of treatment wearers of bespoke cycling jackets probably deserve. If you don't know what I look like, I'll be the person who looks like a cross between these guys:

The above was forwarded to me by Jack Thurston of The Bike Show, and if you're wondering what an "urban drift" is, here's your answer:

The reason for the project is my interest in exploring the connection between urban landscapes and the emotions and actions of the inhabitants of that urban space and looking to see what new insights technology (primarily GPS tracking) and psychogeographic maps can shed on this relationship.

Anon 1:05, more crotchal splendor? You already got it. If you clicked on the curvaceous chainstay link, you would have discovered the following photo caption: "1936 World and Olympic Champion, Toni Merkens, riding his 'no-name' Hetchins."

Road bikes already have disc brakes. The problem is crabon fiber deep dish rims: after you've douched-out $3500, you realize they are fucking dangerous in the wet, and in the dry, they heat up like a mo-fo and are the dumbest idea for clinchers since someone coined the term "clinchers" (which sounds like an anal-venereal disease that I'm pretty sure Cipollini has).

So, now, you buy your $3500 Crabons, then you add on a pair of $800 disck Breaks, so you can now match the weight and performance of a $700 set of alloy wheels.

Except, now, in the rain or dirt, you will lock these suckers faster than David Byrne locks his garage door to hide is Hummer H1.

I applaud Neil Bezdek – a pro! – going carless. I’m assuming this means he’s going to go on training rides with no support car, right? Start racing with a pump and extra tubes? Learn how to mend his fork at a local smithy when it breaks?

What does "support women's cycling" mean? A 20% helmet discount? And like eight jillion fatty masters squabbling over "sponsorship," what the fuck is the point of "supporting" "women's cycling" anyway?

The list of American women who can ride their bikes full-time for a living is how long, with out without Specialized's totalitarian delusions?

Support women's cycling by support a woman cyclist for the fun of it, not by pretending Specialized are the 'benign' scumbags of the bike biz/

So basically that urban drift thing will just have a bunch of tracks back and forth between park slope, greenpoint, and union square? Someone totally just heard of the situationists and needed to let everyone else know.

How is a drum brake any different than disc brakes? Still stopping from the hub. Same stresses on the spokes. Riven-n00b I see.Have you completed the beginners Velox bartape shellac and tweed project? Grant starts out all the middle aged kiddies on that one.

I lovee that Brooks cycling jacket.It's got some retro flair with a dash of urban edge.Accessorizing is the key to pulling off that genteel urban cyclist look.A scarf, tweed had, and boots and you're all set.

Do psychogeographic maps account for magnetic declination? What scale are they printed on? Do I have to be a psycho in order to buy one? Will it work when psychonavigating with a psycho compass (where there are 7.5 cardinal directions)?

I think the red fixtures are feeders, not for lighting.But what to I know? I feed mine by hand. Then I chop off their heads with my artisanal axe and eat them RAW on the spot just like our forefathers used to.

Centerpull, sidepull, V, canti, disc, drum -- I've burned bikes to the ground with all of them. Now I just use a honking big parachute. It's slower, but I save weight by not having to carry a fire extinguisher.

well, that was a great link right thar. really though, such watered down crotchal splendor is what I'm rallying against, I don't want such stinkin tertiary linkage to get the crotchal splendor. member the good ol days?

I actually think that the Volagi design is original because both Hetchins' and GT's seat stays are attached to the seat tube. As you said, Volagi's seat stays are not attached to the seat tube. Please, correct me if I am wrong.

It's probably just me, but after scanning over the Urban Drift article I was left confused as to what it is all about. My best guess is that the psychogeographic maps are for planning illegal street racing courses, thoughtfully selected for the connection between landscapes and emotions ('furious' is an emotion isn't it?) and wicked corners, but I didn't find a single mention of sporty Japanese cars sliding sideways.

So much douchery today everyone seems to have forgotten about the Blue Peter babelet. According to the Daily Mail, she has some form:

"Helen's previous exploits include high-wire walking between the chimneys of Battersea power station in London and becoming the first person to solo kayak the length of the Amazon". Now we all know that a kayak is not a bicycle, but give her some credit.

Regarding Snob's new Brooks Flasher Coat, I'd actually be worried that when he whips it open it would be lined entirely with leather chamfering tools, much like Machete . Snob, the vigilante known as Edge Shaver.

[A lady] was the "first person to solo kayak the length of the Amazon."

The phrasing leaves open the possibility that she kayaked that distance in the Y pool over a couple-year period. Are we sure that she's not going to "ride the distance to the north pole" by doing laps around Lambeau field for a couple of hours a day?

Regarding your artisanal chicken coop: You may have more success once you figure out that the "red lighting fixtures" actually dispense artisanal food and water. The lighting actually comes from the row of artisanal bare bulbs visible at the top center. I am not sure, but I believe that the beige "flying saucers" are radiant heaters. It also appears that your artisanal chickens are engaged in the production of artisanal fried chicken rather than artisanal omelets. Faintly visible, along the right hand side, is a row of tiny artisanal road bikes, which the fryers use for their final ride to the artisanal tree-stump-and-axe where they merge with the infinite. None of this detracts from your obvious dedication to artisanal arts.

BSNYC: It is clear from your lack of comment after January 5th, the Brooks cycling jacket is so January, 2012. Do you just throw out tidbits and then abandon them to those 19 people who read and are "influenced" by your blog? The comments sounded just like some wannabe "witty clever" yuppie chatter at the local artisanal coffee bar, not half as snarky as your stuff.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!