Off Track

The past couple of days since visiting the birthing center I’ve noticed my thinking shift. From “Let’s have this baby alive and healthy” to “What about the birth?” And while this isn’t a totally bad thing, it’s causing me stress and anxiety that shouldn’t be there. Especially this early on.

I am not sure why natural birth is such a hot topic in our society lately. Or why as women we feel so much pressure to do it, or to justify why we didn’t. Even though I had a fairly decent birth with Bella and enjoyed the epidural with no side effects, I’ve spent the last 3 years trying to justify why I had to have one.

And honestly I’m really tired of it.

I had a child. She’s here with me now. We bonded in ways that each mom hopes to bond with her babies.

But again, I’m getting off track. Justifying.

I don’t care what kind of birth anyone has. I don’t know why I feel the need to worry about mine. It’s never worked out the way I planned and yet it all worked out exactly the way God wanted. And somewhere in the fear and terror of doing this all over again, I’ve forgotten that this isn’t about how I give birth. It’s about the process of growing a little one I’ve been blessed with. Yes, education about my body is a part of that for me. I’d love to be able to have a natural birth this time because I was finally able to have a normal pregnancy.

But that might not be in the plans. And I really, really need to be ok with that. To stop stressing about what everyone will think if I go to the hospital and end up with an epidural and start rejoicing over the fact that I will have made it that far, and have another little one in my arms to take home this time. Regardless of the process. Some women would do ANYTHING for that, and I need to remind myself that I would have given anything for my twins to be here. Even if they opened up my head and took them out.

I believe we need to be educated about birth and our bodies, and most of us (myself included before Bella) are sadly not. I chose to head to a birthing center because I haven’t had that choice before. Ever. I did it to be treated differently so I could be less stressed out this time, not because I needed to prove something with my body. And yet when I left, it started to become about that. That I might fail if this didn’t happen with out meds. That choosing a hospital wasn’t right. I may not have a choice and that’s just setting myself up for a heartache to never consider other options.

I don’t believe God blessed me with another child so I could freak out about how it comes out of my body.

The real focus of my pregnancy needs to be on Jesus. Of trusting His plan for me, for my body, for this little one to enter the world. Not obsessing over the way it all happens, which is what I will do if I don’t keep this in mind. I’m so, so blessed to be able to be pregnant again. And I refuse to let myself dwell on how I see my little one enter the world. So I’m done talking about this because I refuse to become infatuated. We have several choices for these next 7ish month, and you’ll know what we chose later on down the road when we are comfortable with one.

And after that? The details are in His hands, the education and trust are in mine.

At W’s christening yesterday, I had a chance to share with the monk who performed the ceremony that the birth had been the most spiritual experience of my life. He did not ask where I gave birth, whether I had had drugs, or whether a midwife or OB or both had been there. What interested him was the way my faith took over. I told him about knowing during that birth that God watching over me would protect me, that He would help my body do what it needed to do if I got my ego out of the way and that He was protecting and guiding my child on the baby’s own path (literal and figurative). We marveled together at His power. The medical details never came up.

I wish you a spiritual birth. But most of all, I pray that all of us keep perspective in just the way you’ve written, here: a new life is coming into the world! A much-wanted, much-loved, much-cherished new life is joining and already wonderful family! That is so much bigger than the how and the where.

I hate that it can’t just be what it is. I wanted to go to a hospital because it made me more comfortable, you want to go to a birthing center because it makes you more comfortable. Why must we let it east away at us, where did this come from?! why is it like this?

I agree with you 100%! It is your pregnancy and your blessing. Just like when you finally have that baby it will be yours; not mine, not a follower of this blog, no one. It will be a baby your body grew. How you choose to have it is YOUR business and if you decide to birth on a mountaintop while wearing a bikini, that’s your choice. I’m just glad another little one is being raised by someone who isn’t afraid of their faith in Christ.
Be blessed; your journey is never for nothing…all glory to Him,
Cari

“I don’t believe God blessed me with another child so I could freak out about how it comes out of my body.” I think you hit the nail on the head with this. Whatever you and Sam decide will be perfect. Because it is YOURS.

As I read this post, I was reminded of how I always dreamed I would have a natural birth at home with a midwife. And God did allow this to happen. It was not easy. At times, I thought I may have to go a different direction, but God worked it out well. It was very expensive because our health care plan would not cover it, but if I had to do it again, I would have done it the same way again.

God will lead you in the right direction. Don’t let people tell you what to do. Do what you believe God would have you do.

Pour your dreams out to God and then let Him choose what is best for you, and what best fits His plans…you never know how your own experiences are affecting others, so even if you don’t have the so-called “perfect natural birth”, there is a reason we can’t know, and it’s all good as long as you and baby come out healthy!

Once again, I feel ya. Had an epi and induction with first, natural
With second and hoping for natural with third but dr keeps
Talking about c-section bc of size. I’m driving myself crazy
With worry about having the “perfect birth” but then I think
Back to our four years of infertility and how at that point
I just wanted a baby regardless of how it enters the world.

But I also do know that it’s about more than selfish desires.
For me, it’s about having some choice in a whole process
(pregnancy) that feels totally out of my hands (bc it is) and
It’s also about me desperately wanting my body to work
How it’s supposed to when in most other respects it just
Seems broken.

It really bothers me how many doctors attempt to scare women into a c-section due to a “large baby”. Late diagrams are horribly inaccurate at estimating weight. For most women, their bodies can handle large babies provided they do not labor flat on their back. Provided baby is doing well, there is no reason, other than doctor convienence, to induce or section without a natural onset of labor and a mobile labor. Best wishes.

I was not able to have a child after years of trying so I can’t give you any wisdom or advice but I am hoping and praying that you carry a full term baby, have a reactively pain free birth and deliver a healthy baby!

I, too, would’ve loved to have a natural birth for my son. When I discovered, that he had some health concerns, complicated by the fact that he was breach, I opted for a cesarean. Not ideal, but I wanted us both to be healthy. Trust your gut. It won’t let you down.

I want to encourage you that it’s OKAY to dream and plan for your ideal birth, and this doesn’t mean you are any less thankful for having the opportunity to be pregnant again. The two are not mutually exclusive. Of course, every mother-to-be has one number one goal in mind (healthy, living baby), and of course, this is heightened exponentially when you’ve been through a traumatizing and painful loss! But, it’s still great to envision how you’d ideally like to welcome this child into the world, and plan for that day (while still trusting that He’ll walk you through this time). 🙂

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{About Me}

I'm Diana, and my blog is about loss, grief, motherhood, trauma, faith, moments of incredible wonder, candid thoughts, and a little snark. You can find more details on our story here.
Sam and I have been married since I was 19. He was 20. He's an OIF, medically retired veteran of the Army and Marines. We have 5 children - Bella was born in 2009 after a rather bumpy pregnancy and her first year was mostly crazy reflux. Preston and Julian, my identical twins, were born at 20 weeks in 2012 and lived only a few hours. Kaden was born full term in 2013 seemingly perfect, and at 4 days old he was found to have cardiomyopathy due to ciHHV-6. He passed away at 3 weeks old. Charlotte was born in 2015, and was a complete surprise to us. Each of them have changed our lives completely.
Currently I'm in school to become a counselor who focuses on trauma and grief.
I love Jesus - even though sometimes I get really angry and upset at the way our life has gone. I hope through my faults, insecurities, snarkiness, selfish nature, and general mess - my love for Christ and His work in my life shines through in my story.
Thank you for reading and sharing. It's an honor to be able to write it as I live it.