The 7 Cats You'll Own in Your Life

To be completely honest, most cats you'll own will fall under this category. They'll repeatedly rip up the toilet paper, get into the cupboards, and do literally the opposite of everything you want them to do. While all cats misbehave to some degree, Dicks have a clear malicious intent to piss you off as much as possible as often as they can.

Some cats are just big fat pieces of garbage. If your cat's size balloons out of control for no apparent reason, it's not that you're feeding it too much, you just got stuck with a fatty. It's OK. It happens. And once it does, it's best to just see how monstrous you can make the thing. The heaviest cat that ever lived was 46.8 lbs--totally within striking distance. So start giving your tubby tabby bacon grease instead of water if you want him to be a winner.

Next to the Dick, the Princess is the most common form of cat. This is the cat who tells everyone she knows how she used to be worshipped as a God in Ancient Egypt, blah blah blah. The way she tells it, she's still a God, and you should consider yourself lucky that she allows a feeble creature such as yourself to even bask in her presence. A favorite pastime of Princesses is to shit in their litter box immediately after you've cleaned it; just to remind you of your place in their universe.

This cat is the equivalent of a mysterious, but adorable vagrant--if that's a thing. He starts coming around looking for food, so you leave some out for him. This causes him to come back more consistently, maybe even letting you pet him eventually. Your relationship is never fully trustworthy, though. He may disappear for three days only to return missing an ear, and if you ask what happened all you'll get in return is a cold stare. Lack of pleasantries aside, he's super low maintenance, and can make for a nice rebound from a Princess.

This is the cat who gives it up way too easy. No matter who comes over, she's rubbing up on their legs, giving them love bites, and showing off her anus to anyone who has a pair of eyes. Her loyalty is non-existent and she'd leave you for a second if given the chance, so you've got to keep her under lock and key at all times. Not the best cat for those who are insecure.

You can blame the media for this one, with their Lassie and whatnot, but this cat thinks he's a dog. He'll come when you call him, greet you when you come home, sleep in your lap, and yes, drink out of the toilet. He's a rare beast, so hold onto him like all nine of his lives depend on it.

Not a real cat, but he looks super dope stuck to the rear window of your car.