Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Tip #4 To spice up your sex life... The threesome

Alright everybody we are officially on to tip #4 on how to spice up your sex life- The Threesome.

Now I hadn't ever really given the old threesome much thought until I got that "curious" christmas gift from my estranged Aunt Christine.... and it got me thinking...

Admittedly.. this is a much more "advanced" or as other people might call it "crowded" kind of bedroom tip.....I get that... and most skeptics will tell you that if you REALLY love your special someone, adding a third person into the mix isn't the best idea. It will typically backfire.... as often times one of the participants usually feels a little left out.

It's like I always say... just dont let the "left out one"
be the girl with the gun!

But whatever.... you decided you are ready. You've had a few drinks and built up the liquid courage to beg your lover to have a threesome with you? Now if they said yes... well you aren't reading this blog... you're busy having a freekin threesome! But for the rest of you.... newly single people. You now need to start from scratch. Here's what you do........

First off ... go out and identify potential threesome candidates.

Sometimes.... shockingly easy to find......

Other times it requires a bit more effort. Try the beach....

The only place I'm told where you can kinda "test-drive" potential threesomers.

Alright.... now its time to hand out your coupons.... You heard me right... Coupons!

Unless they are somehow into string?

Now, don't forget to exchange phone numbers and plan to meet later. Side note- If you happen to be a nerd........

Congratulations! You just had your first threesome... I mean come on... Did you really think it would go any further than this?

Now surely they called.... cause who refuses a coupon in this economy? Right? So the next step is to invite everyone back to the most sexiest place ever... that's right.... the sex van..

Shaggin Wagon

Oh and I forgot to mention...... People in pimp outfits (who I got most of this information from) told me.... never bring anyone who accepts a love coupon from a stranger back to your home.... stick with the car. Why? Well cause if you don't... often this happens...

A Robbery...

Makes sense....Now lets fast forward to later that evening...

After you brought your twister sheets and laid them out in the back of the wagon....

and you spent hours practicing your Burt Reynolds pose

It's time for the magic.... Now I cant help you here.... This part is up to you.... I did however find a book that might help?

But lay back.... relax... and let your special night whisk you away to a land of ecstasy and extra elbows......

ahhhh...... that's it. Very good..... uh.... all three of you.

Congratulations. You completed your first threesome.... Time to commemorate it with a T-shirt or something.

And the beauty of it all is..... now you will always have the memories.... its that one night you get to relive in your mind over and over through the years.... fondly remembering.....

For example how sexy and perfect it all was.......

And then..... shockingly exhausting.. somehow..

And then.... um..... it got weird and somewhat greasy?

Wait a second!!! Did I forget to mention the most important step?

.... Don't drink too much before you hand out the coupons. Cause seriously ... if there's ever a time not to have

"beer impaired" judgement its pre-threesome!!!

Or this.... could end up happening...

The Geriatric FOURSOME!!!! Dear god!!!

You know what... Scratch this post all together. Im not sure any of us are ready for this. In fact completely disregard!

Cause for every one of these threesomes....

Like all sexy in a hot tub

are two of these.....

And that's why...... I'm pulling the plug on this post. Do with it what you will.... Oh ya...and remember to be "careful" with your threesome night..... or this could happen to you.....

Trying to figure out what's furrier, that shaggin' wagon or Burt Reynolds. By the way, how gross would that wagon be? It's not like it would be easy to clean and the only person who could really use it would be a teenager who can't have sex in his own house. And teenagers aren't clean freaks. I'll just have my threesomes the old fashioned way, pay for them...or convert to Mormonism and invite my sister-wives to share a night.

Hmmm, kinda takes me back when I were a lad... Can only remember two and neither for being a great shagging experience - probably too wasted or young or both to remember. But the shaggin' wagon is awesome. It looks like a Holden Sandman ute similar to one a mate of mine had. 'Sleeps' four comfortably!

When having threesomes with aunts, it's best to choose in-law aunts from opposite sides of the family. For example, your mom's brother's wife, and your father's brother's wife. Never choose your mom's sister or your father's sister. Now, if they choose you, it might be okay-- especially if you're under-age. I don't know why that's better. It just is.