If your parent's love was, and still is, toxic, what are your options?

[Please Note: When I use the word mother in this article I intend it to refer to either parent, Mom or Dad.]. Were you ever afraid of your mother, or of your father? If so, odds are pretty good that at least part of the problem was borderline personality disorder, though there could have been other problems as well.

What is borderline personality disorder?

At its core, bpd is a pattern of overly intense emotional responses.

One result of overly intense emotional reactions tends to be a pattern of misinterpreting situations as hurtful that are in fact benign. The misinterpretations occur while the situation is happening, or in retelling the events later.

There may be functioning in two quite different modes: attractive and highly competent at times alternating with periods of inappropriate anger and even raging, narcissism, and explicitly hurtful behavior, harmful to themselves and/or to others.

There may or may not be splitting, that is, targeting one person or group as the enemy and garnering support from others to join in deprecating and marginalizing them in us against them battles.

What else might you see in a mother–or a dad—with borderline personality features?

Keep in mind that borderline patterns may be mild or more severe. Likewise, some individuals who suffer from this disorder may show just a few of the patterns listed above while some show all and more.

Difficult parents, and especially fathers, with bpd may be diagnosed as abusive. Underlying verbal as well as physical abuse there tends in fact to be a borderline disorder. Unfortunately, the label of borderline too often is put just on abusive women and not often enough applied to abusive men as well.

Borderline personality patterns often include narcissism, that is, inability to attune to others' concerns, including a child's. A parent with narcissism instead of attunement to the child's needs looks at whatever the child does as being 'all about me.' When the child does something that is different from what the parent wants, anger can quickly erupt.

Here's an example. Mom and child are walking on the sidewalk. Child falls. Mom erupts in fury. "How could you fall like that here where everyone can see you? You are making me look bad!" The child's concerns would be irrelevant. The mother's reaction to the incident would be all about Mom (that's the narcissism) and excessively emotionally intense (that's the bpd).

Where do the multiple examples in the remainder of this article come from?

Thank you so much to all of you: Annie, Linda, Alison, Babs, Naomi, Verdi, Kelly, Jose, Elijah, Crawford's Daughter, and the many others including the various folks named Anonymous who have written in to my prior articles and to the comments to this one. Thank you for sharing your stories, for supporting each other, and for suggesting readings on the biological elements of borderline functioning.

COMMENT FROM A READER

The power dynamic you describe in your article [Help for little girls who do too much anger, which is about how parents can best handle children's anger outbursts] is entirely reversed in the case of an abusive, controlling, manipulative parent who uses rage and fear to control their children, of any age.

Source: k3172898/fotosearch

People who grow up with raging, screaming, physically and emotionally abusive parents become conditioned early in life to totally obey, placate and cater to their domineering parent, or risk emotional or even physical injury to their own self. So it’s like confronting a huge, feral, enraged wild animal to change the power dynamic in such cases.

It takes a great deal of sheer courage for a person who has been domineered his or her whole life by a parent who tantrums and rages, blames, and lashes out when angry, to even attempt to leave their presence when they begin raging at you. It took me until my mid-forties to even think about trying it. The first time that I just left the room when my bpd/npd mother started in having a rage-and-criticism fit at me, I felt scared but very empowered.

And it does work! It really does. Sometimes it takes a long time and many repetitions, and sometimes the behavior gets worse, even, before it gets better, but it does work. Its the same technique you've described for handling a toddler who is having a tantrum, its just exponentially more difficult to actually have the guts to DO it when the person having the rage-tantrum is one's parent.

RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with your comment that exits from raging adults can take much inner strength. How extremely difficult it can be for a child, or even an adult with a frightened inner child, to feel internally strong enough to implement the strategy.

One person in her 40's that I worked with recently said she still couldn't envision herself using the technique of exiting, of removing herself from the situation, in response to her mother's rages. Even as a grown adult, her fear of her mother's reprisals was still too potent. She still felt tiny and still experienced her mother as all-powerful. Her mother's reprisals were now via manipulation by guilt rather than physical or verbal abuse as they'd been in her childhood, but the impact was the same.

COMMENT FROM A READER

I Have used your “exit strategy” intervention in my own life as well as in my work!

I have discovered that the bathroom plays a very important role in a home [with a borderline mother] as children are taught early on that it is a “no disturb zone”, They are also experienced in knowing that it is a place visited numerous times a day by all people so there is no sense of abandonment when that door closes, unlike the front door of a home.

So, if during an interaction that is heating up, when a child or a teen who is suffering from a raging or domineering parent needs “time out” and does not have the ability to “Exit”, a visit to the bathroom can work wonders.

The exit-to-the-bathroom can be repeated as often as necessary.

In one case in my clinical practice the Mom actually got the message!! She said in her tirade “and now you are going to go into the bathroom, RIGHT?” And her daughter didn’t respond. Later in the day when mom was calmer, the daughter, age 11, said simply “I go there when I am scared!” Mom was actually surprised when she thought back just how often her daughter had been going to the bathroom. It was a signal to her to get help.

RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

I usually recommend "Excuse me, I need a drink of water" as a routine exit comment for adult-to-adult exits. I very much like your bathroom exit excuse however, particularly for situations in which both parties are not in prior agreement on exit routines. It sounds also particularly apt for situations with a power differential like for a child with a raging mother.

Thanks so much for this idea!

COMMENT FROM A READER

You wrote, "If parents want their child to stop screaming, they’d best stop interacting with screaming as if it were a legitimate mode of communication."

Source: Photography 33/fotosearch

So true. Could say the same for many politicians :)

RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

Amen. I write about the problem of excessively intense emotions in political discourse in two articles:

Actually, a really similar technique is often recommended at a support group I belong to for the adult children of personality-disordered, (mostly borderline pd and narcissistic pd) parents.

New members of these groups tend to arrive in a state of anxiety, stress, guilt and fear because their bpd mother will call them on the phone and verbally abuse them, rage at them or cry hysterically, for long stretches of time and the adult non-pd child just takes it, having been trained to just endure being abused, from birth.

The recommended response at the support group is to gently interrupt/talk over the out-of-control pd parent early on, saying calmly something like, "Mom, I can hear that you are upset but I'm not going to listen to you when you are screaming at me/calling me names/crying/etc. I'm going to hang up the phone now. We can try talking about this again tomorrow when you are calmer."

RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

It can be important to keep in mind that the adult-child’s job is not to teach the parent but rather to protect herself. For that reason, any exit method, provided it is kindly rather than mean, can work.

“Sorry Mom. Gotta go now.”

“Woops Mom. The kids need me.”

In other words, the abusive parent may or may not be willing or able to learn. The key is that in any case your job is exit at the first sign of verbal abuse ahead.

COMMENT FROM A READER

In my own personal opinion, the sad reality is that as long as the child is dependent on the parent in any way: either the minor child who is dependent in all ways, or the adult child who is still emotionally dependent (or financially dependent, perhaps): in such cases the technique [of exits] cannot be utilized because of the power imbalance.

A person can only safely implement this technique (or any power play, really) if he or she has the same power level/ status, or greater power/status than the one who is raging.

Source: (c) ChristiK/fotosearch

If I as a small child or teen had dared to walk out of the room while my mother was raging at me, well, she possibly could have been triggered into beating me to death. A small, dependent child has to rely on the "sane" parent to manage a mentally ill spouse. It would be practically suicidal for a small child to attempt a confrontation with a raging, violent, mentally ill parent.

RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

You make a very important point. Power differentials definitely do inhibit and can make totally impossible the walk-away option.

When the anger comes from the parent, the child may well have no recourse except to hope for potential intervention from third parties, which alas, did not seem to have come to your aid.

Interestingly, when a child rages, parents may feel like the power is in the little one's hands. Particularly if they themselves were raised by a raging parent, they may transfer the sense of a powerful other to their child. Then when the child rages the parent flips into feeling small and powerless like the way they had felt as children.

As to your having in your 40's begun to be able to experience power in the relationship with your mother, bravo to you. I have seen significantly older people who still are terrified of Mom's capacity to rage.

COMMENT FROM A READER

When my mother was in a violent rage she didn't seem to actually "be there". My own mother “didn't know me” when she was raging at me. Her pupils would dilate to the maximum so her eyes looked like shark eyes and it was like she wasn't seeing me but she just had to scream at me and hit me until she wore herself out. Sometimes she'd use the belt on me and my younger sister and we'd have welts and bruises and sometimes broken skin, but always only under our clothes where it didn't show.

Afterwards, momster sometimes would act like nothing at all unusual had happened and would be all perky and cheerful. At other times she'd sob and beg for forgiveness and demand that we hug her, comfort her and tell her we loved her. Honestly, that had to be really crazy, psychotic behavior, right? And it was traumatizing as hell for both us kids.

At least she never put us in the hospital, but then we'd learned to adapt: we'd freeze in place and not antagonize her when she was raging, because it seemed that possibly she could go to a place that was even more dangerous and kill us accidentally, perhaps.

It was only well into my 40's and having reached a place where I was fairly emotionally detached from my mother that I was able to implement the "just walk away" tactic. She couldn't physically harm me any longer, and I had basically stopped caring whether she was happy with me or not, so I had nothing to lose.

Its just damned sad that when one has a moderately to severely personality-disordered parent who is into raging and physical violence, particularly a Cluster B parent, that the child has no option but to become more or less detached from and indifferent to the parent's feelings out of self-preservation. Really sad.

COMMENT FROM DR. HEITLER

Agreed. Very, very sad.

COMMENT FROM A READER

Thank you Dr. Susan for the resolution of handling an angry child. Communication! Got the point on that. After all, both my children, my daughter and my son, were also considered to be easily angry to get me and my wife attentions.

RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

Yes, children rage to get something, to get attention for what they want. At the same time, giving attention in response to GOOD behavior is key.

The underlying message in responding to a child's anger with exits must be that "I'm glad to talk with you, to give you my full attention. And at the same time I will give you my attention only in response to quiet talking, not to whining, yelling, or anger explosions."

Thanks for highlighting this point!

COMMENT FROM A READER

Source: (c) Fancy Images/fotosearch

I was diagnosed with BPD and never showed any signs of it growing up. i had no anger issues whatsoever, in fact..i was quite calm and quiet. i had loving parents, no abandonment issues...so why is it angry children are always associated with BPD? while i realize that frequent/unstable mood swings is one of the diagnostic criteria of BPD i still wonder, what it is that turned me into this angry, overemotional ball of rage that i am today.

RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

A very important question: What does bring on adult-onset raging?

Here’s several possibilities. One, several or all may pertain to your situation.

You are partnering with people who only listen to you when you rage.

You are partnering with people who act as if your raging is acceptable behavior.

Something upsetting happened at some point that continues to boil within you, so any small thing in the present can tip your energies into boiling over. i.e., the trauma reset your amygdala to hyperactive responsivity.

An allergic or other physical reaction keeps your emotions on easy-overload (allergies can impact any part of our bodies, not just skin or runny noses)

You are misdiagnosed. Maybe your raging is from a bipolar rather than a bpd phenomenon.

COMMENT FROM A READER

I have a spouse with BPD. When we first met, she would rage frequently. Fortunately, and after many years of therapy, her rages have calmed down considerably and now rarely even occur.

But I don't believe that "walking away" is always the right approach in these situations, especially with my spouse. When I did that, it would just serve to infuriate her further and often led to suicidal ideation or other reckless behavior.

Instead, using the PUVAS skill provided much better results: Pay attention, Understand what is being said, Validate the feelings (right or wrong), Assert your position, Shift responsibility where it belongs. The validation is key. Her rages were often a result of not feeling like she'd been heard or understood (and validated). Maybe this approach should be different for a child, but I can say for sure that it works well with adults.

RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

You highlight another key point. For walking away to work between two adults, it can be helpful if the adults discuss it ahead of time and mutually agree on choreography that feels good to them both.

You are so right that if one partner "walks out on" the other, that may worsen the situation. By contrast, when spouses agree that if either of them begins heating up, they both will turn in opposite directions, separate, cool down, and then re-engage more constructively...that is a strategy that both partners can participate in together.

COMMENT FROM A READER

I think that the most crucial and relevant factor in dealing effectively with someone who has a problem with emotional regulation is the power dynamic: the way to manage the situation and have it turn out well is highly dependent on the status/power of the two specific individuals involved relative to each other.

I think Dr. Heitler's exit techniques would work well when the out-of-control raging person is a child, (no power, no status) and the person managing the situation is the parent or other care-giver (who has all the status and all the power in the relationship and is calm, sane, compassionate and empathetic.)

I think the PUVAS techniques (and other techniques like DEARMAN) sometimes work well when the out-of-control raging person and the recipient of the rage are both adults who have equal status or power in the relationship: two adults who are friends, lovers, co-workers, spouses.

But when the out-of-control person has higher status and/or greater power (physical power, legal power, etc.) than the recipient of the rage, such as when the out-of-control rager is the parent and the recipient of the rage is their child, or when the rager is a much older child who is a bully and the recipient is a smaller, younger child, or the rager is the boss and you are their employee, or the enraged person happens to be someone with a gun who has targeted you for their rage... then you have virtually no options to deal with the situation successfully.

When there is an extreme power imbalance and the lower-status individual is the one being raged at, the recipient or target is basically screwed unless they can physically escape or unless someone with equal or greater status to the rager appears and intervenes.

That's the only point I want to make; dealing with emotionally charged situations has everything to do with the power or status of the individuals involved in relation to each other. A technique that works within a relationship of equals does not necessarily work in a relationship of unequal power.

RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

My fellow PT blogger Loretta Breuning's book I, Mammalreminds us that once we become emotional our mammalian brain takes over. Rage leaves just the mammalian part of our brain working,

The underlying mammalian issue when we feel threatened is dominance, ie, who has more power and who will give up and become submissive.

That’s why I agree 100% with your comment that for handling someone else's rage the relative power differentials are a vital factor to consider.

As to the PUVAS technique, while it may work, to me enables bad behavior. In my rule-book, grownups talk with each other. A spouse should not have to listen to rants. That’s encouraging bad behavior. Angry folks need to learn to calms themselves, think about the concerns that their feelings are alerting them to, and talk with their partner in an adult-to-adult manner about their concerns.

As to the importance of a third person coming to the aid of the lower power victim, YES.

I sympathize. My mother is BPD, and I grew up in similar circumstances. My father was as intimidated as I was, unfortunately and did not help me with her so when I became big enough to confront her, I did, we fought until I left home at 17 to escape her. I went 3,000 miles away.

As a child I tried to hide from her as much as possible, or just shrink into a silent ball of fear. After I left I had nothing to do with her for many years. Then I tried having a relationship, this did not work out well of course, sought therapy and my therapist gave me the insight and courage to tell her to buzz off.

She's 93 now in a home, writes to me, sometimes I write back, but that's it. She whines about everything, including wanting to see me, but there is no way I am doing that. Every time we make contact I sink into a prolonged depression. Being around her is like drinking poison. My relatives blame me for not having more to do with her, so she has destroyed my family relationships, although that happened long ago when she blamed me for evil things she was doing, as well as my father.

Only my grandmother knew what was really happening. She was my friend and ally.

RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

Thanks for sharing your story, and especially for your last sentence.

"Only my grandmother knew what was really happening. She was my friend and ally."

Research suggests that if a child has at least one person who validates that the bpd parent is out of line, validating that the raging is not the child's fault, the child's odds of growing into a normal and emotionally healthy adulthood zoom up.

The moral of the story: grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and teachers--your role is vitally important. If you see a child with a borderline parent, your friendship to that child is hugely leveraged, a potentially great blessing.

COMMENT FROM A READER

So first, I'll caveat my comments by mentioning that I am not a parent. My husband and I enjoy the company of our friends' children, and like being aunt and uncle to my brother's step-daughter, but I have little direct experience raising children. Bear that in mind when you read my comment, because it is aimed primarily at teens and adults who are being emotionally and verbally abused by people with BPD. That said, I will touch on my experiences as a child being surrounded by BPD people by the end, which may be helpful to some of the parents posting on here who have young children.

Growing up, my extended family flew into rages and were unstable and unpredictable from one moment to the next. Their tongue-lashings could be cruel, and apparently haven't stopped. My uncle called our youngest brother "lazy" several years ago for having the audacity to dual-major in STEM and GIS IT, minor in German, do a bunch of internships and jobs in his difficult field, and graduate later than he should have, in the "screwed" Class of '09, which left him strictly with offers from employers in the food-service sector.

Whether on the phone, or in-person, I told them that if they insisted on raging at me, I would not speak to them until they could calm down. I would sometimes phrase this as "I understand you are upset, but I have a right not to be yelled at. I'm going to leave [hang up] until we can have a conversation in a calm and productive manner." 9 times out of 10, this worked. While I am no longer close with my extended family, on the rare occasions when I do have to interact with them and one or the other of them flies into their fits, I use this technique, typically to excellent results.

Anyway, I grew up emotionally abused by certain non-primary family members, was sexually assaulted my senior year of college as "payback" for not wanting to date an older male friend whose life consisted of sitting in his mother's basement and crying about how his life was unfair, have been knocked around by an older male bully at nearly every job I've had (at least one, maybe two, had BPD, and another two had NPD), and, since I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like, between my parents' recent divorce and my relatives' constant bickering and abuse, I dated a revolving door of abusive losers, both male and female, between the ages of 15 and 23, until I met my husband and broke the cycle. This is a lot of abuse and violence for one person to process and deal with, and I have panic attacks secondary to PTSD as a result.

While the symptoms of PTSD vary from person to person, one symptom that can dominate for some patients, especially women who've been sexually assaulted or abused, is sudden outbursts of crying, or other losses of emotional control that appear to come out of nowhere. This has happened to me at work, and what I've done is either cry quietly in my private office, cry in the bathroom, or hold in the tears until I was able to get at least a quarter-mile away from the office/office park, at which point, I cried it out until I could cry no more.

However, I usually reserve my crying for home, and when I first moved in with my husband, just under 2 months after my 24th birthday, he was confused and bewildered by my sudden emotional outbursts.

Some women have been misdiagnosed as BPD, when they're actually abuse victims with PTSD, while other abuse victims are diagnosed as bipolar, and the outbursts of anger/crying are characterized as "mixed-mood states." There is still a stigma against women showing anger in psychiatry, which remains a heavily male-dominated profession and continues to feature very gender-delineated DSM-IV/DSM-V diagnoses. So if your little girl is crying or acting out a lot, but BPD or bipolar doesn't seem to fit, look closer, or "abres los ojos," ("open your eyes") as we say in Spanish. It may be she's a victim of abuse.

In sum, what are the options for children of raging borderline mothers, dads or other adults?

When the parent is the raging one, what are the child’s options? The child usually feels helpless vis a vis the power of parents. They quickly learn to do whatever they need to do to stay safe.

Source: (c) Fancy Images/fotosearch

These conciliatory habits may continue into adult life. Even when the child has grown into physical adulthood, the childhood terror of others’, and especially of mother’s, anger may persist.

Adult children of bpd moms do have options. If s/he can summon up the courage, the adult child can take a role of parent to their bpd mom. As adults they can learn to respond to Mom’s anger with exits. I.e., "I'm glad to talk with you. And at the same time I will give you my attention only in response to quiet talking, not to whining, yelling, or anger explosions."

Still, if mom traumatized her children when they were growing up, laying down the law like this may feel close to impossible for the adult child of a bpd.

At the same time, nothing succeeds like success. If the now-adult child of the still-raging mom decides to try exits once or twice, with each success the new regime is likely to get easier.

Lastly, I would like to re-emphasize the vital role of 3rd person on-lookers.

If you see a mom who is raging with a child, do something. Speak up to the mother with borderline personality patterns of parenting. Intervene. Talk to her. Say something, anything, about how the raging is bad both for her and for her her child. Explain that professional help could ease the situation. Call authorities. Talk with the child and explain that Mom rages because of her problems; her anger is not the child’s fault.

Most importantly, do something. Passive on-lookers perpetuate the problem.

I'm first of all having to think about it. Why did I choose to write about borderline parents using the term mother? As I"ve let the subconscious reasons bubble up, there are several:

1. All but one of the comments that I quote are about borderline moms. The one exception is actually about other relatives who were borderlines. None wrote about a borderline dad.

2. I think that's because we tend to have gender differences in labeling. When women rage we call them borderlines. When men rage they tend to get labeled narcissistic and/or bipolar and/or abusive.

3. Your question really has gotten me thinking, so I looked up google keywords. The reality is that keywords are a big factor in the terms I use to assure good google placement for my articles, which radically increases their reach. I was surprised to see that borderline parent does get a significant number of searches. At the same time, borderline mother gets about 25% more. Borderline father, interestingly, gets very few.

In conclusion, I will sprinkle in more usage of the term parent. At the same time I'll probably stick mainly with mother, primarily for search optimization.....

This study from 2011 indicates that borderline pd is equally prevalent in men and women:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3115767/

Gender Patterns in Borderline Personality Disorder

Randy A. Sansone, MD and Lori A. Sansone, MD

(a couple of excerpts:)

Abstract

"...As for prevalence, earlier research concluded that a higher proportion of women than men suffer from borderline personality disorder, although more recent research has determined no differences in prevalence by gender...."

Conclusions
(how the phenotypic presentations differ:)

"... men with BPD are more likely to demonstrate explosive temperaments coupled with high levels of novelty seeking. Men with BPD are also more likely to evidence substance abuse whereas women with BPD are more likely to evidence eating, mood, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress disorders.

With regard to Axis II comorbidity, men with BPD are more likely than women to have antisocial personality characteristics.

Finally, men with BPD are more likely to have treatment histories for substance abuse whereas women with BPD are likely to have utilized more pharmacotherapy and psychotherapy services. Thus, given the similarities in men and women with BPD, there are also clear gender differences in BPD as well.

***These differences, reported in a number of different studies, may explain why women with BPD are more likely to be over-represented in mental health services and men with BPD are more likely to be over-represented in substance-abuse treatment programs and/or jails."***

I think this last sentence is very important; it explains in a very logical way why both the psychiatric community and the general public misperceive borderline pd as being overwhelmingly a "woman's disorder" when it actually occurs with equal frequency in both genders.

There is another study, a large national psychiatric survey, that concludes that borderline pd occurs much more freqently than earlier research indicated: closer to 5% of the population instead of just under 2%, in part due to this new information about gender prevalence, but I can't find the link to that one. When I find that I'll post the link.

This is a terrible article. I've recently been diagnosed with bpd. I do not suffer from angry rages and my 2 children always come first. Your article is very sweeping and damning and doesn't help people who suffer from this mental illness.

haha -- you sound exactly like a BPD person. Not every BPD person has the same symptoms, but rage is one of the incredibly common traits. Also, there are both internal and external episodes that occur. Do some research on the subtypes of BPD. I happen to be all four.

I mean, just this morning I thought I was already perfectly great and decided to lash out at my partner for not acknowledging how great I am. As I did this, I yelled "YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" In my mind, I was perfectly legitimate, but after some reflection I finally put the fragments of my mind back together.

Just yesterday, I was working on a research project and it was the first time I wasn't allowing full control to go to my delusional emotions.

Anyway, as I sit here and read your article, I am inspired. I always had a difficult relationship with my mother, which included physical aggression, intense criticism, neglect and all the likes.

I finally have put it together - she is borderline! I thought I was alone, crazy and had to overcome all of these issues on my own.

Boy, was I wrong! I can finally take a look at my mother's behavior as an example of what I will become if I continue giving into these patterns. I can also use her as a learning tool to help me progress. I see my childhood differently. I see her as abused, and part of a long line of abusers.

I know she didn't want to have children, and she thought she was off the hook - but at 38 she became pregnant with me, so I guess I'm going to have to be the one to stop this sick cycle.

As far as my dad goes, I can't even go into that...but it's the exact relationship a BPD has with a co-dependent (as explained) - what an eye opening article.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
(which I'm just STARTING to do after 2 years of finally acknowledging my patterns).

Not all borderlines rage, and even when they do, it doesn't always look the same. Sometimes it's directed at one person - let's say, the husband, and the children may deal with irritability (not their fault), but not RAGE.

I am a borderline mother and I am not in denial. Have I ever been pissed at my kids and said something I regretted? Uh, yeah, I have. And honestly, I believe MOST MOMS HAVE. I've been reading these articles though, and a lot of the made up interactions are just that - made up. Some are right on to a point - then it gets all wacky all of a sudden (convo seems "normal" and ends with the surprise! "I wish I never had kids").

Okay, maybe SOME BPD moms out there say that, but to me it's the most bizarre thing I have ever heard. What the articles have made me notice is I am easily offended. Example: Me asking my daughter if she wants to come hang out with me, cook or something (she's 14) and she says "Nah". I get all butt-hurt, but not in some "you're a terrible child, you hate me I wish you were never born" INSANE kind of way. More like an INTERNAL "no one ever likes me and I don't blame them I hate myself too" kind of way. Yes, some of that may seep out into my countenance, but it's not a STATED thing.

Not all BPD people are the same. In fact, there are a few "famous" women who blog or have written books, and honestly, I don't read them because they don't relate to me at all. Our BPD looks THAT different. Maybe it's because I have bipolar 2 (depression), so I just get down? Don't get me wrong. I get ANGRY - but I do not say or do these horrible things to my kids. And no, I'm not in denial.

Why are you even reading this? Laughing at someone with BPD and telling them they are in denial only shows your own ignorance on the subject. I'm sorry if you've been hurt by someone with borderline, but mocking people who suffer from it, and who AREN'T like the person who hurt you, really isn't helpful.

I agree that bpd does not always get manifest in rages. My understanding is that the core malfunction is a hyper-reactive amygdala. A hyper-reactive amygdala means that disturbing events cause stronger and more negative emotional responses than most people would experience in similar situations. The emotional response may be fear. It may be depression. Or it could be anger.

I'm quite young, but I have my fathers ability of really seeing the changes in people over time. One person I've seen this happen to is my mother, in one of the sentences it says, if I were to fall, the mother/father would be "ashamed". Well basically you've just learn't about my mom, she used to be way different, she is now dating this guy, hes' not like the drunk my dad was when I was younger, and still my mom acted like we had a perfect family when obviously my dad was a drunk (At the time). 10 years later, shes a verbally abusive mom that favors my younger sister, and says things to my 5 year old sister like "Oh, Suri you aren't as smart as kayla" oh and yes, if you notice my sister's name is Suri, my mom is delusional too. Then she married that guy, he did something that ruined my life..I don't wannna talk about it, but yeah, and she talks to me like she deserves forgivness, and her damn pride.. I'm pissed off, and I'm about to burst..

Maybe there's some people out there who would be amazing mothers and who would never, ever hurt their child in any way.
Maybe the fact that you're saying someone with bpd would be an abusive parent is fucking disgusting and you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
When someone with bpd reads shit like this it can make them completely fucking hate themselves and think that they're an evil person.
Maybe they've been abused and telling them that they're going to be abusive hurts to an extent that you would never fucking understand.
Stop reinforcing the fucking stigma surrounding bpd and making them out to be fucking horrible people.
Having bpd does not make you a bad person, and people like you need to stop fucking making out that it does.

I can "hear" that your heart is in the right place, that you are in pain, and that you abhor the idea that mothers, any mother, could ever be abusive to her own children.

But I am also one of the adult children of a mother who had bpd (she had a formal diagnosis) but she refused to accept the diagnosis, refused to go into treatment and she was very emotionally and physically abusive to me and my siblings. It can happen. It does happen.

Neither Dr. Heitler nor any of the posters here are saying that *everyone* with bpd is abusive to their children. BPD can manifest in a range of behaviors, and in a range of severity. You are correct: not everyone with BPD will automatically abuse their children.

But SOME parents with BPD have it in a more severe form and are not able to control their high impulsivity, their "black and white" thinking, their fear of abandonment, their chronic irritability or extreme, inappropriate rage, their paranoid or delusional thinking when under stress, their self-harming or their suicidal impulses, and this emotional instability and lack of control can and does generate extreme stress and even emotional trauma for their children.

This particular article and the responses to it are meant to offer support to the adult children of BPD parents who suffered abuse at their parent's hands, so I can understand that a person with BPD, particularly a mother who has BPD, would find this particular topic of discussion rather upsetting or even triggering.

But just wishing for something upsetting to not be real, to never happen, or not be true, doesn't make it so.

It may be more helpful for you to seek out the online support groups for those with BPD who are parents; peer support and validation, peer advice and insights would probably feel very encouraging, hopeful and beneficial to you.

If this particular article and the responses have the power to badly upset you, then I suggest that support groups for those with BPD are where you would want to read and post instead.

This very angry commenter unfortunately can't see how her very comment and her inappropriate reaction to the article reflect her emotional instability. As the child of a borderline parent, I do believe that people with BPD should definitely think twice about having children, and should, at the very least, have made significant progress in therapy before doing so (certainly to the point where they wouldn't react so aggressively to an article on the internet with a perfectly justifiable and scientifically supported opinion that simply argues something that is unpleasant in the eyes of the BPD sufferer).

Some people with this are bad. I've grown up with a unbalanced mother, who lashes out, and don't fight fair, all my life she's done and said stupid shit. Only after I attended al anon, that someone asked me I if my mother was a borderline. This woman does not want help, she took the easy way out abusing pills and lying about it, married to a man who tried killing her, and hates him. She's only there for the money. I hate my mother, I don't care about her sickness, she pushes away everyone she loves. She was abused by her alcoholic father, and I had used men All,her life. I predict she will omit make it past next year, the next suicide attempt, will be her last.

You sound like an abuser. Unfortunately you and others like you see others as having to placate your abusive rages. The fact is the victim is not you, but those around you. Reading the article, I am overwhelmed by a sense of complacence. Living with a spouse who most likely had it, all I can say is run, don't walk to your nearest exit. I too tried to "work" on the issue and help. The fact is they are the only one who can help themselves. I found myself saying I am sorry you feel I am a $#%@. LOL! I validated her abuse. That was what I was supposed to do. Screw that. For those of you living with this kind of abuse, validate yourself. Get out, and if you have kids, try and get them out too. There is no cure for this disorder. Do the math. Most BPD's don't admit they have a problem. The ones that do, less than half actually go to treatment. Out of those, less than half complete it, and treatment is generally less than 70% effective. Those are not good odds. You can save yourself though, and any kids you might have. You are not responsible for another adult's life. If they say they will commit suicide that is just them manipulating you once again. If they try and succeed, that is on them...not you.

Maybe there's some people out there who would be amazing mothers and who would never, ever hurt their child in any way.
Maybe the fact that you're saying someone with bpd would be an abusive parent is fucking disgusting and you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
When someone with bpd reads shit like this it can make them completely fucking hate themselves and think that they're an evil person.
Maybe they've been abused and telling them that they're going to be abusive hurts to an extent that you would never fucking understand.
Stop reinforcing the fucking stigma surrounding bpd and making them out to be fucking horrible people.
Having bpd does not make you a bad person, and people like you need to stop fucking making out that it does.

And, this is exactly the kind of response one would expect
from a BPD parent... completely unaware of their own
hostility towards a dissenting viewpoint, completely
unaware of the impact this kind of toxic reactivity has on the people around them. Anonymous poster, if you are a
parent, please: this article was written by a professional
who certainly does know what they are talking about, and
the responses are posted by persons who have been
personally impacted by a BPD parent who have become
aware of the profound negative impact the BPD's explosive
rage and controlling personality has had on them.

Dr. Heitler - I was pleasantly shocked that you personally responded so quickly to my post, and that you agreed with my assessment of the post I responded to. I instantly recognized the tone of the angry reply of that post, as I have read many many emails from my now ex-wife that had the same emotion behind it. I also recognized so many experiences that other posters had shared: the verbal assaults and insults, the false memories and claims, the constant 'blame game', the claims of plotting against her and keeping secrets (which I eventually realized was indeed projection). I even experienced what a few others had written: being woken in the wee hours of the morning from a sound sleep, with my wife standing over me yelling at the top of her lungs, as if she was in the middle of an argument that started without me. I spent nearly all day reading the over 300 posts to this forum, and was comforted by the realization (that I have to occasionally remind myself of) that I wasn't alone in my experiences, I wasn't a terrible husband, her behavior wasn't my fault, and not being able to help my wife and save my marriage was not a failure on my part.
On the midnight tirades, I have a bit more to add: before she filed divorce, while I was still talking to her psychologist, I confided to him that I suspected she was "messing with me" in my sleep. I told him that "I know it sounds crazy and paranoid, but I swear she is doing things to me while I am asleep - I wake up in the morning with punctures in the fingertips of my left hand (I'm a guitarist, and have a "thing" about my hands) and my left arm is sore and bruised, like I've been punched in the middle of the night". Some time later, in one of her frequent multi-page email tirades sent to me, she wrote that her psychologist had told her my suspicions, and she admitted it was true: but, also that she was justified in beating me because (she claimed) I talked in my sleep all the time, and that I would say horrible things about her! I spent untold nights after that with a sound-activated voice recorder running on the nightstand next to me, in order to try to corroborate whether I in fact did talk in my sleep: talk about messing with a person's head! As you might guess, the recorder never picked up anything more than an occasional snort or sharp inhale; never was there anything that sounded like words, much less intelligible sentences.
Again, I appreciate your response, and your blog in whole. I still occasionally feel guilt/anger/sadness over the whole experience (we were married nearly 12 years) and it helps to read that I was, and am, not alone. Thank you.

Some of us are just hopeless and lost..pushing everyone we love and care about away. I know I will die alone and lonely. I have absolutely no one who cares or understands. Its so much easier to just cut me from their lives. One day I'll stop being such a coward and just end this b.s. my way!

This past Saturday was my birthday. BPD Mom insisted I spend my special day with her as opposed to spending it with my friends. We spent the day doing an activity she wanted to do with her buddies. Then she took me out to eat. We had my birthday lunch at BPD Mom's favorite restaurant and we ordered food she liked. Afterward we went to BPD Mom's house where I did several chores for her.

Once the chores were accomplished BPD Mom sat me down to have a "discussion"(aka ragefest). She was upset that I no longer wanted to have serious discussions about my shortcomings and she was particularly insulted that I tend to get up and leave when she wants to outline the changes I need to make. I thanked her for the pleasant day and walked away, got in my car and drove home without engaging.

On Monday I received a very long email. BPD Mom wrote that she was disappointed that I no longer wanted to have discussions face to face so she is forced to put her feelings in an email. This was followed by several paragraphs that I didn't read thoroughly but there were plenty of personal accusations and blatant lies. I responded that I had received her email and that I had no comment. So then she wrote me another long-winded email which I didn't read. For the second email I didn't respond.

I love your ability to see your mother so accurately on the one hand, and at the same time to dispassionately decide when you have had enough.

Your comments also remind me of a bpd quality that I think I could have highlighted more in my posting: the mean streak. Instead of enjoying loving their children, bpd parents seem to love berating them.

I wonder if this flip of what is usually love into impulses to hurt is a form of psychological reversal? I've written a posting on psychological reversal at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201202/bad-luck-bad-choices-or-psychological-reversal.

Psychological reversal is a state of self-sabotage. Bpd moms seem to want to sabotage their children.

So thank you so much for highlighting the mean streak aspect of bpd in your comment!

My mother perks up and becomes happy when she succeeds in getting into a finger-pointing ragefest with a family member. It's just like a drug addict or an alcoholic but in place of the mind-altering substance it's the rage that works for her. I'll assume that she might be getting some sort of oxytocin release. Maybe a qualified medical professional should see if hormone levels decrease and increase in BPDs during raging arguments with family members.

The reason my mother is pointing out my faults is that this method of engaging me through anger has worked wonderfully up until about 10 years ago when I decided I couldn't take it anymore and started walking away. My BPD mom is in a Skinner Box, valiantly attempting to get me going so the two of us can raise our voices, verbally volley for 3-5 minutes and her BPD body can react, so that she can perk up and feel happy.

During our conversation this weekend my mother admitted that when she attempted to discuss the faults of my sister, this sister has resorted to lying to avert the ragefest, and this has infuriated my mother. I'm glad my sister has found her own way of subverting these raging discussions with my mom. I say whatever works.

Thanks for sharing. My mom has not being diagnosed with BPD but I am convinced she is. What you describe is very similar to my last 35 years. and just like you, about 2 years ago, I finally woke up from a nightmare and realized I was dealing with a mental issue not just a temperamental mother. She lies (recreating/exaggerating all her memories where she is always, always the victim and/or the hero). She was verbally abusive with me for 33 years… I used the word "was" as this stopped when I finally learned how to set a boundary. This is something a catholic priest taught me. When she yells, I now remain completely silent. If I am on the phone, I will mute it. If it is an email, I will simply trash it after a few lines. If it is in person (which is much harder), I will leave the room. Now she uses her second and very powerful way of controlling me: GUILT. She is always the victim. She blames in tears and is very manipulative. She constantly reminds me of her 9 months of pregnancy which, according to her, she spend in bed bleeding (reality: 1-2 days of spotting then left to do a movie). She blames for "having chosen my dad over her" when I was 3 years old which forced her to leave me with him (reality: she left me with my dad because he was financially and emotionally more stable.) She blames for having married an abusive husband because, according to her, she married him only to provide me with a father (reality: I had a wonderful father. she married this abusive and mentally ill man because she wanted to be financially supported). She blames me for nearly everything I do or not do. Whatever I give her (time, love, gifts) is never enough and is always received with accusation. Beside the "victim", she is also the "hero" so she will recreate all her memories with her "saving" other people. She loves me when I am in need and resent me when I am happy. It is sad. Thankfully, I did not grow up with her and I now live in another country. I cannot abandon her (she has no other children) and still love her… but I am absolutely exhausted and saddened by her insanity. It is tough and I do not know where to start to get rid of this guilt-trip. I am terrified to inherit these behaviors and bring them into my own family. I hope I can heal from this abusive relationship. any help/suggestions is highly appreciated.Thanks.

I just today had a huge fight with my mum who I am also convinced is BPD. I'm 37 and today is the first time I walked away from her. Some of what you say was familiar, but mine is to a lesser degree. Namely, the recreations/exaggerations of events to depict herself as hero/victim. Also, stories about how awful my father was to her, which is absolutely not true. And various other things. Today she recreated a story and after putting up with it for so long, I just snapped and I called her on it, telling her what really happened. This set her off on an emotional guilt trip, where she both accused me of putting words in her mouth and then actually tried to put words in mine (which I did not say). I realised I'd made a big mistake in buying into it, so I talked over her and said "I'm going to stop this conversation now, pay for lunch and go back to work now." I got up, and paid for lunch. When I came back she was sitting there with this horrible sulky look on her face. Instead of shutting up I said "Oh don't put on that face" and that set her off again. We went back and forth for a couple more minutes then I said "Okay, well if you don't want to try to resolve this, I'll just go now." She continued to fight, saying "I don't know what you want me to say" which I responded with "you could apologise, and consider the impact of your flippant words". Again, a mistake. However at the end I got up and I leaned over, kissed her and said "I'm going now, see you in a fortnight" and then walked away without looking back. Whilst I did say some things wrong, I'm glad I did because I was sick of putting up with her little niggles at me and her attempts to poison me against dad, and recreating events to paint her in a better light. However, she is my mum and I do love her so I don't want to be fighting with her. But as I'm essentially an only child now (my eldest brother hasn't spoken to her after our middle brother passed away over a decade ago - he's BPD too I think) - I can't abandon her either. I just find her exhausting and wish she had more maturity. So I'll see how I go next lunchdate...

Hello Anonymous. I just wanted to say that I feel for you. I'm 30 years old and today I walked away from my (undiagnosed) BPD mother for the first time. My mother believes that my father is the devil incarnate and that he has poisoned me against her. She constantly accuses me (and my sister) of betrayals and manipulation. In her mind I am always scheming to hurt her. She has said horrible things to me. I spent 24 hours basically being accused of being a cold-hearted bitch. I tried to stick to the script - that I love her and don't want to hurt her - but she would have none of it. Eventually I decided it was best for me to go. She basically told me I was dead to her and said she was cutting me out of her will. As soon as I got in that taxi I felt immediate relief. Sadness but relief. We must take care of ourselves. There is no getting through to a severe BPD like my mother.

I just got an email from my mother who is angry because I reacted to her being angry. Her rage is like an onion skin. I bought her a very expensive vacuum cleaner (I find I am still caught up with trying to please her) and she could not figure out how to use it. So she got mad and it is "my" fault. "Too bad" she said, "it would have been nice to have a vacuum cleaner after 20 years. I guess I will just sell it on ebay." When I tried to exit the issue by not responding back, I got another email stating, "I can tell you are mad at me...I am not going to take any more shit than I have already been through about this. I have a lot of responsibilities around here, and that vacuum cleaner is not high on my list of priorities - I never asked for it." Sigh. Before email, I would get letters like this. I had stacks of them unopened until I just started throwing them away. I feel sick to my stomach about the way she is. I am in therapy, and it helps, but the whole idea that she will never admit, understand or resolve her issues contributes to my own anxieties. Anyway, I read the post by Anonymous who wrote in June - a lovely post - and I started to cry a little and i thought I would finally write something.

My mom lives about five hours away and is visiting today. She got mad because I didn't what her to wash dishes and organize my messy front porch. She said she shouldn't have come to visit, can't do anything right, began packing her bags and was going to leave. She was crying and yelling and I was trying to remain calm. I couldn't help it but I yelled, hoping it would get through to her that nothing was wrong, she should stay. My boyfriend almost kicked her out but somehow she sat and calmed down. I honestly can't think of what changed. She just was done fighting or something. I went upstairs and cried quietly for about ten minutes while my boyfriend told me I didn't do anything wrong. The rest of the day has been awkward but calm. I believe she is borderline. In the last twenty years, she's probably averaged one job per year. She makes best best friends with coworkers, only to be stabbed in the back later on. She's racist, and hates everyone. She is never happy with even a meal at a restaurant. She has permanent frown lines in her face. I want her to get help but I obviously can't suggest that something is wrong with her, even though she knows it. Her father committed suicide 31 years ago; maybe he was borderline. I was just born so I didn't know him. I also worry that I might be borderline. I'm very sensitive to criticism, or even just perceived criticism. I get very angry very easily. I describe my anger as raging, like in Carrie (Stephen king book), as a joke after the anger passes. Now I read that rage is a symptom. I'm really just venting right now. I've been dealing with her anger and guilt my whole life and I'm tired.

How else can you fight back? Don't be too hard on yourself for your anger, it's all part of what we have to deal with. Life with a parent that won't ever admit they could be the problem can be so totally frustrating, and hurtful, we have to do something or we will completely break in half. When you are constantly on the defensive like that and you know deep down that it isn't your fault, and no matter what you do, you can't win, where else would it go? So you go into a rage, or you explode and have to vent somehow. That's why we have to walk away sometimes. I used to slam doors so hard it would knock things off the walls. And I used to run away. I can't tell you how many times I rode my bike so far I had to call for help to get home. I was not quite five when I left the first time, and it became a pattern for me for most of my life. I just got further and further away the older I got. Sadly I could never get quite far enough away cuz whereever I was, that pain went with me. And until I finally turned around and faced it head on, and realized that the war between my Mother and I would never be over, that I could never win in her eyes. That's when you realize that you do have a choice in everything you do. The choices aren't always easy but at some point, you do make a choice when it comes to them. You can stay, or you can walk away and choose not to allow it anymore. Your freedom is always your choice. Personally, I tried walking away completely but it didn't work for me because no matter where I was, it wasn't far enough. So I finally learned to walk away from her when she started in on me instead. For example, one of her things was putting whoever I was with down, and that would always end with me trying to defend them, which of course was a losing battle. I went to see her one day and she started about my husband at the time, what a jerk he was, what a mean person, blah blah blah, you get the gist. My first reaction was to try to convince her otherwise, to defend him and myself that no he wasn't, and it went on for a while and something hit me and I realized that no matter what I said, it would never get through. And I could feel all that rage that had been building just sort of fizzle out. And I stopped. I stopped fighting back. And in a very calm matter of fact way, I told her that I was not going to play that game anymore with her. I was not going to argue, and I wasn't mad, but the next time she said something negative I was going home. I told her that was going to happen. And the next thing out of her mouth was of course negative. I got my keys, my purse and I said, I love you Mom, talk to you later. And I walked out the door, with her at first not believing I would do it. Then when she realized I really was leaving, she completely changed her tune. Please Pammy, don't go, please, I'm sorry. Pammy please come back, almost on her knees by then. I was amazed how wonderful it felt to just walk away, for the first time with no anger. I didn't even look back. It was a long way to my car and I could hear her even as I drove off, begging me to come back. I didn't call her and I didn't hear from her for three days, and then she called and asked me to come over. So I went again. I wasn't there for more than ten minutes and it started almost where she left off the last time, so I grabbed my keys and purse and said, bye Mom, I love you. And did it again. The whole scene acted out again, the same way. This time it took her a week to call. And when I went to see her we actually had about an hour of a comfortable, peaceful visit before it started. And I left. The freedom I found by just walking away, not getting angry, and no guilt for the first time in my life with her, was AMAZING! And something very profound happened to me after that. I finally found my own power and I was the one with the upperhand. She could no longer use my guilt to control me, because I took that power away from her. Now understand that it wasn't all peaches and roses after that, because she had a lifetime of learning how to manipulate me and I was new at it. But it did get better and better and for the first time in our relationship, we could actually sit down and be friends. I never had to slam the phone down again after that. And cry for hours after and rage and wonder what I could do to make her finally, finally happy. It took me a LOT of years to get to that point, but from that moment on, I quit running everytime something got too hard to deal with. I slowly learned to face my problems head on, and always somewhere in the back of my head, I knew that i always had a choice. ALWAYS. I finally could look in the mirror and actually like that person looking back at me. Actually I could love her. I could give her the love she so desperately needed. I promised her one time that I would never let her down, I would always take care of her and I would always love her no matter what. That little girl Pammy would be safe with me. And I have kept that promise as best as I can. And when things come up and the memories start to destroy me again, I remember what I promised that little girl that lives inside me and i give her comfort and love. I am crying now, because the peace of it all is overwhelming at times. What a wonderful, wonderful feeling to know you are loved, no matter what. And I love you all too and hope you can find peace in your heart as I have finally done. It comes from within. Love Pam

Thank you Pammy. Your comment brought tears to my eyes. It is reassuring to know that there is hope out there. I am 26 and just returned to California after 2 years of living in NYC. I left to NYC because I had to run far away from my mother. I am home with her now and realize she has just gotten worse, except that now she is alone and has no one to manipulate. I am more confident now and able to see without foggy goggles, but it is very sad to see her this way. I love her very much but cannot do much to help her as she does not want to change. I am only visiting her for a few days and do not feel the way I did 2 years ago before I moved out for good. Thank you for the guidance and wisdom. Best wishes, Madison

From reading your comment I have to say that the problem with you and your mom is not to a lesser degree. I'm just saying don't think that your problem isn't as bad. Don't minimize it because you are only saying that your arent as important as everyone else is that is dealing with this issue. Just because you can't leave her, or should I say, won't leave her doesn't make it any easier for you. In the end when it all boils down to it, none of if we are honest, have ever really left them. They go with us whereever we go. I'm very happy to see that you are able to walk away when you've had enough though. The thing is my friend, each time you are able to do that, you take back the power that they hold over you.
You make the choice to do that, but when they put you in that spot, that's the choice they make. i don't know about you, but my Mom wasn't dumb and she was aware of what she was doing, especially after I warned her I would leave. The thing is, this way, you don't have to be sad, or feel guilty, because you didn't do anything to hurt her. You only gave yourself a choice. You gave her the choice to either be nice and have you around, or be spiteful and not have you. She has a choice too. And they are the ones making it miserable, not you. You have the right idea and I hope you stick to your guns, you will be much happier and I think she will be too, once she makes up her mind. I loved my Mom so much too. I still do even if she is gone from this world and she will always be with me. But you can't change anyone else, they are who they are. You can change you and I think you are on the right track. *hugs* pam

I can't how much of this sounds similar. My father had an affair when I was 7 and I think it triggered something in her. Though I imagine that she was already BPD before he left and that it pushed him as I remember the fights, her uncompromising nature, the paranoia and the continual pity party.
I'm now 27 and have gone through years of therapy myself to try and learn how to deal with her and how to be happy. I came to the horrible conclusion that I'd be better of not seeing her - but I'm an only child and she's all alone (something that she continually likes to remind me of) and the guilt I would feel would be crippling. The guilt I already feel is bad enough.
Every time I see a text come in from her, or the phone ring, or an email, my heart sinks. I dread spending time with her because it is never a pleasant experience. I realised she would never be the mum I wanted and needed her to be and I’m trying to come to terms with that as it’s so very sad.
Most people don’t understand as they think that all parents can be a bit difficult. But she’s toxic and it’s crippling.
Anyway, it’s nice to know that others out there understand what it’s like.

It is clear she is BPD. She sounds exactly like my ex wife. Just one question though. Why bother? You know how it will end each and every interaction. You know she is not going to get better. You know she is going to say stuff that upsets you. Sure, you are used to it. Nothing coming from her mouth surprises you. Nothing she does surprises you. But why put yourself through that. No communication seems to be the healthiest way. Guilt I think would be the only thing keeping someone in such an abusive relationship. Maybe hope as well, but I am sure at this point you realize there is no hope. Love? What about self love? What about respecting yourself enough to not put yourself through that.

My mother most likely was BPD. Everyone was plotting against, everything wrong in her life was someone else's fault. Took my parents 7 years to have me, so you'd think I might mean something to my mother. My stillborn fraternal twin my mother blames on me. Had a head injury at 9 months old which I was never taken to doctor for, had neurological problems with learning to walk and falling throughout childhood. I once fell and rolled down a spiral staircase 3 floors when I was 11 years old on a beach vacation and instead of worrying if I was ok, mom screamed at me for being an embarrassment to her & dad. Dad never said nothing, nor defended me. He allowed me to be abused. They divorced when I was 18 and since then BPD mom has lived with my grandmother and refused to work. Now at age 43 I am a total embarrassment to her because I have a rare autoimmune illness among other things and am on disability. I never married or had kids having had a slew of abusive relationships, plus I'm lesbian which I know she knows but we never discuss. I finally walked away from her over 2 years ago after she called me because she got in trouble for beating my grandmother. She wanted to come live with me forever. I survived 18 years of abuse and neglect & don't want to endure anymore of that. My therapist had told me to walk away if I had to. I haven't seen nor talked to mom since that phone call. I sent her a few cards for birthdays and holidays and money. She didn't send me any cards in return, not any acknowledgement for her only child's birthday. Walk away and let them rot. It is not your responsibility to let someone abuse you your entire life and ruin your life. Just stop letting them hurt you.

Last week my mother died. I had not spoken to her for 12 years, as I realised that she was totally toxic and I needed to walk away. I did not attend her funeral and both myself and my brother were specifically excluded from her will. Then a friend rang me and said that she was a Queen, and had a BPD. I had never heard of this before but reading about it since, that is exactly what she had. All these years I was thinking I was no good - even with several university degrees, a great job, two fabulous sons, a wonderful husband and my own home. I am just lucky I was so strong and had a wonderful grandmother. My brother was not so lucky, he had a hell of a childhood with no one to turn to. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that my decision to walk away has been validated. Thank you to all the posters in this forum. Walking away was the answer for me, too:)

Don't regret your choice for one minute. I am not sure if folks here are familiar with the site Facing the Facts, but I used to use it and I went through all phases,
Staying and making it work
Undecided
Leaving/Detaching
You are responsible for you just as she is responsible for her. Hope kept me on the "staying" pages. Self respect got me to the detaching pages. Afterwards I would look back at the staying pages and read in disbelief as these poor people would get excited for not being yelled at as much that day. Talk about soul crushing. The only healthy choice, and most folks get to this point at some point...some sooner than others, is to leave.

I have with curiosity read through the article and comments. I work and live in Kenya, and have worked with many young people who have been abused by a parent in this way.
The effects it can have on the ability to perform at work can be devastating.
One example was a girl who thought she was listening "too much" to others, but in listening she was not able to repeat any of what was said, and tasks would often not be done.
She would at times make a total mess of files, even if they were all in order. I am not certain of the reason, but I tend to think that she wanted attention and even negative attention would be better than no attention.
She would always smile and be nice, and at the same time be very emotional.
I did experience that she did deal with some of it, and also that she still has much to deal with.
So one part of the issue is "how do you as an adult deal with your BPD parent?" and the other side of it is: "How do you now create healthy meanings about yourself and your life such that you can become empowered?" and "What are some of the consequences of this for the children as they grow up?"

An understanding of the consequences might also help people in the work/social environment to understand more, and to become a network of people who can help.

I see the BPD parent clearly not taking ownership of thoughts and emotions, and I also see this affecting the children.

To the anonymous "just walk away". There is a wonderful book called Journey for Kids, by Brandon Bays. It tells some case studies of kids who have had different traumas in their lives and how they have overcome them through guided visualization.

What you tell about your childhood will hurt any normal person to even hear, and it is only fair that you have a happy life as an adult and that you can leave that behind and live your life. I have met others with similar stories, and they have totally changed their lives by guided visualization and coaching and they are happy now.

Thanks Martine so much for the poignant example you give, for the book suggestion (which I just ordered), and for your recommendation of guided imagery. I actually also in my clinical work use both guided visualization and coaching of new skill sets.

In addition to visualizations, I have been using Bradley Nelson's Emotion Code techniques which are remarkably powerful for reversing the ptsd from borderline parenting. On my blog I have several articles on these techniques:

Thank you for taking the time to respond Martine. It really means a lot that someone from half way across the world from me would be kind enough to respond to my post. The internet still amazes me how we can now reach out to others we will never meet in person. I have to say I really don't know anything about visualization, but I will do some reading and learn about it. I went through a couple years of counseling to learn how to deal with my past.

I'm Cherokee and we have something in our culture called "Going To Water" where whenever you are troubled or need to sort out your thoughts you are told to go sit by water as the water will take your troubles away and your prayers and thoughts get carried away in the droplets of water. Its something that people do naturally without putting any thought into what they are doing-- when they are upset they often wind up by a river or the sea to sort things out. I have spent a lot of time walking and fishing at rivers & lakes these past few years and walking in the woods & in isolated parks. I've found a lot of time to reflect on life this way. I have a lot of built up anger issues from being silent for so long, so its helping calm me down so I don't get so angry at strangers for slighting me. I have had some major PTSD from the abuse & also surviving several accidents, but I've calm down a lot from going to water.

I am Danish (read Viking) and for me water is also truly healing. I will also let your Going to Water pass on to others.

Guided Visualization and Meditation is an amazing way to release the traumas from the subconscious level.

Even Going to Water is meditation:-)

I was taught a wonderful meditation by Master Del Pe where I breathe out all the negative thoughts, stress, sadness, guilt, etc and let it go to the water (Indian Ocean, which I am next to) and after this imagine that I bathe myself in the water and thereby cleanse it all off. Then I do manifestations of the positive. This also by breathing, so I breathe in the positive states such as self esteem, safety, happiness, love, clarity etc.

Perhaps have a look at some of the talks also by Deepak Chopra about the ways of the Wizard or Happiness Prescription.

I really love that you posted this as water has always had a very soothing effect on me too. In fact I have been thinking about a way to make an artificial waterfall in my yard as I now live in the desert and any bodies of water here are few and far between. Another thing that helps me these days is when things start getting negative in my life I do everything I can to think of something positive, to replace those thoughts with something good. MY bpd mother passed a way a few years ago, and my brother followed her to the other side within a few months. I had a lot of anger at that time and went into a major depression for a while. I felt that not only had they hurt me in life, now they were still together and deserting me in the most impossible way ever. Seems sort of nuts to think that way, but the human mind isn't always logical. By replacing all the negative thoughts with positive ones, you can only win though. Most of you who are still so angry, is it possible that there were some good times with your sick family memebers? I suggest trying to list some of those times and be ready with those when the negative starts to take over. If you only dwell on the negative you will never be able to heal.
For example: yesterday I was driving to town and my thoughts went to my Mother and the sorrow took over. I cried for a while and that was cleansing in a way but I caught myself getting angry again and remembering the ugly stuff. I made a concious effort to change my thought pattern and started looking for something good to replace those thoughts with. It's not easy to do this for some reason. Maybe we somehow feel comfortable with the misery, it feels almost normal, I don't know. I do know that it feels a whole bunch better when you start to think of the better times.
Another thing that helps me also is thinking of them being on the other side and they say when people pass they are not sick anymore. I like to think that when the sorrow hits that maybe Mom is up there hearing my cries and thinking about how she could make up for the rough times and her behaviour to me. Maybe she wishes she could come to me and tell me she is sorry. I try to imagine her as a caring loving person now and healthy in mind and spirit and I try to feel her put her arms around me with love. And I imagine what it would feel like for me to say, none of that matters anymore Mom, you are well now. I forgive you for the past because there is nothing I can do to change it. And from now on I take responsibility for my own happiness and I choose to treat myself with love and respect and I choose not allow others to ever hurt me like that again. And mainly I choose to forgive my own self because I know I did the best I could and continue being the best I can be in all circumstances of life. I can't change anyone else, nor can I change the past, but now I know I can change how I deal with my life. That is all that you have to know really. We are responsible now for our own happiness. We are responsible now for what happens in our life. No longer can we blame anyone. So my advice to those out there still suffering. Only you can change, only you can fix your hearts now, and only you have the power to say, I am worthwhile and I am good and I deserve the very best this life has to give. I am awesome. Give yourself the love that you missed out on and become what you want to be. You are worth every happiness this world has to offer, so go get it! With love! Pam

I really love that you posted this as water has always had a very soothing effect on me too. In fact I have been thinking about a way to make an artificial waterfall in my yard as I now live in the desert and any bodies of water here are few and far between. Another thing that helps me these days is when things start getting negative in my life I do everything I can to think of something positive, to replace those thoughts with something good. MY bpd mother passed a way a few years ago, and my brother followed her to the other side within a few months. I had a lot of anger at that time and went into a major depression for a while. I felt that not only had they hurt me in life, now they were still together and deserting me in the most impossible way ever. Seems sort of nuts to think that way, but the human mind isn't always logical. By replacing all the negative thoughts with positive ones, you can only win though. Most of you who are still so angry, is it possible that there were some good times with your sick family memebers? I suggest trying to list some of those times and be ready with those when the negative starts to take over. If you only dwell on the negative you will never be able to heal.
For example: yesterday I was driving to town and my thoughts went to my Mother and the sorrow took over. I cried for a while and that was cleansing in a way but I caught myself getting angry again and remembering the ugly stuff. I made a concious effort to change my thought pattern and started looking for something good to replace those thoughts with. It's not easy to do this for some reason. Maybe we somehow feel comfortable with the misery, it feels almost normal, I don't know. I do know that it feels a whole bunch better when you start to think of the better times.
Another thing that helps me also is thinking of them being on the other side and they say when people pass they are not sick anymore. I like to think that when the sorrow hits that maybe Mom is up there hearing my cries and thinking about how she could make up for the rough times and her behaviour to me. Maybe she wishes she could come to me and tell me she is sorry. I try to imagine her as a caring loving person now and healthy in mind and spirit and I try to feel her put her arms around me with love. And I imagine what it would feel like for me to say, none of that matters anymore Mom, you are well now. I forgive you for the past because there is nothing I can do to change it. And from now on I take responsibility for my own happiness and I choose to treat myself with love and respect and I choose not allow others to ever hurt me like that again. And mainly I choose to forgive my own self because I know I did the best I could and continue being the best I can be in all circumstances of life. I can't change anyone else, nor can I change the past, but now I know I can change how I deal with my life. That is all that you have to know really. We are responsible now for our own happiness. We are responsible now for what happens in our life. No longer can we blame anyone. So my advice to those out there still suffering. Only you can change, only you can fix your hearts now, and only you have the power to say, I am worthwhile and I am good and I deserve the very best this life has to give. I am awesome. Give yourself the love that you missed out on and become what you want to be. You are worth every happiness this world has to offer, so go get it! With love! Pam

My mother has a charming combination of narcissistic personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder. Our family was always late to everything because she always had to make the Grand Entrance, including to other people's weddings, because she wanted to upstage the bride. She once complained to me that my cousin hadn't paid enough attention to her at my cousin's best friend's funeral (the friend had died in his 30s).

More than twenty years ago my mother disowned me, because I found out that she had allowed her boyfriend to sexually abuse my much younger sister. After the secret came out, I was terrified to allow my mother around my very young children, and told her that she needed to see a psychologist before I would allow her to see her grandchildren again. Since my mother is always right, and the entire rest of the world is wrong, she flatly refused to see a counselor or a psychologist, and sent me a letter stating that she had legally disowned me. I was upset for about a month, but then realized that disowning me was absolutely the best thing my mother had ever done for me.

My advice to anyone who is still trying to maintain a relationship with a borderline personality parent is: DON'T! If you can figure out how to goad your parent into disowning you, do it! You will have far less guilt if your parent disowns you, rather than the other way around, and best of all you won't always be waiting for the volcano to erupt.

I especially like your compassionate notion of letting your mother send you away instead of vice versa. She then will feel empowered rather than depressed or angry and therefore will be more able to tolerate the loss.

As children we don't get to pick our mother. As adults we can. There's lots of older women out there to pick from after distancing from your birth mother--or for that matter even if your birth mother stays in your life.

My husband and I for instance have a full set of "adoptees," that is young adults around the ages of our actual kids that we feel maternal/paternal caring for. I don't know if we picked them or they picked us. The point is that creation of "families by choice" are an option in adulthood.

I find that intriguing. I am just now coming to terms with my mother and her towering rages. My dad died when she was 38 and she remarried just a few years ago. She is 71. My step father is an ex-alcoholic and the two of them fight constantly. Tempermentally, he is much like her. She tells him she doesn't need him. Some days it seems like she is trying to drive him away so that she can be the victim (i.e. He Left).

On the bathroom comment in the main article, I'd think that would be a good idea, but growing up with my mother, there was no such thing as locking the door or leaving it shut in many case. Her excuse: She didn't want us to be "ashamed". The bathroom was not a sanctuary growing up, unfortunately.

Your comment of "there was no such thing as locking the door or leaving it shut in many case.... The bathroom was not a sanctuary growing up." Is very true. I shared a bathroom with my parents until I was 15 (imagine the awkwardness of my Dad tell my Mom in front of me that I needed to start wearing a bra and that she should probably go buy me pads) When I finally got the "OK" to use the bathroom down the hall for showers and stuff the locks on the door didn't work. One time my Mom busted through the door as I was brushing my teeth to tell me how vain I was for looking in the mirror... while I was brushing my teeth. From then on if I heard her coming down the hall I would avert my eyes from the mirror and just keep my head down until she passed.

Wow. I am very happy (understatement) to have discovered this site and discussion page. My mother refuses to get therapy for the behavior that has alienated my brother, myself, and all 5 (!) of her siblings. It is still everyone else's fault. What struck me is when you stated your advice to anyone who is still trying to maintain a relationship with a BPD parent: DON'T! The idea of figuring out how to goad my mom into disowning me has undoubtedly crossed my mind in my adult years. However, with her, the rage happens, she writes a letter to her sister, me, my bro, etc. disowning the person, then she finds her way back into my life or my brother's life, usually with some kind of manipulative ploy like a text that describes some sort of emergency situation.

In 2010, my mother's mother died, and the disfunction that took place in her family over the funeral, etc. could be the making of a movie not unlike Meryl Streep's latest August: Osage County. Anyway, what happened as a result of my mom's behavior is that all of her siblings ousted her. So, then there was my brother and I. My brother has been an alcoholic almost all of my life. He has 11 months of sobriety right now! Bless him! But, regardless, it basically leaves me with her. I have set up some serious boundaries at this point, as the latest rage happened on Mother's Day (I have two boys of my own); I have been on an email-only basis with her since Mother's Day. Just yesterday, she texted me that she wanted me to call her regarding her dog which she also told my youngest son, without my blessing, was his dog too. So, I stuck to my guns, emailed her, and asked her to please email about "rocky". She wrote back: "No thank you" IT IS SO TOUGH! Maybe it is a true emergency, maybe he ran away, or is dead, but chances are, no. Based on precedent, it is way to engage me in any level of drama in her life--last time the emergency about her dog was an abscess tooth, in which she convinced me to get a care card in my name to cover the emergency vet costs because her credit is so bad. So last night, she emails, verbatim ( no intro): This breaks my heart for the fact that you don't know me any better than this; that you would request that I email you when I would ask you to call in regards to Rocky. I would not ask you to call other than in the case of an emergency." No closing, either. I feel sucked back into her toxicity. I feel that I cannot respond as I don't want to engage the crazy. Looking for any advice! Many thanks for reading...

Brava! It takes a lot of courage to post an article that discusses so openly and frankly the negative impact that being subjected to chronic raging, blaming, terrorizing, and other severe emotional abuse has on children (particularly the children of Cluster B pd parents, due to the emotional disregulation, emotional lability, raging, lack of empathy and assaultive behaviors that characterize this disorder group.)

Thankfully, our culture is finally coming to accept the need for more vigilance and more action in protecting children from physical and sexual abuse by their own parents (and by other relatives and authority figures that children are exposed to) but the issue of severe emotional abuse of children by their parents is just not "on the radar" yet as needing the same level of attention and resolution.

I hope that your articles/books/lectures will help increase public awareness that uncontrolled anger, rage, screaming and terrorizing IS real emotional abuse, and when its directed at children by their own parent(s) it does real damage.

Emotional abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse of children are NOT "discipline," not "love" and not even "parenting", these are all simply forms of assault. Abusive parenting is an indicator of or the manifestation of a mentally-ill mind, and chronic, severe emotional abuse from a parent can result in debilitating, life-long physical and emotional damage to children.