Back & Forth

I wonder who I am now. Gay? Or did I think I was one. Am I Straight? Or did I learn to think that I am supposed to be someone over these eight years.

One more week and off she flies, out of this country. Oddly, I am stoic or may be even looking forward to her disappearance from my life, contrary to all those times when I cried and made a hue, begging her not to leave. Eight years ago when we met, I had no idea that we would go anywhere and when our relationship took off, I never thought she would leave.

She didn’t want labels, didn’t want to understand anything and I obliged, because she was the light of my life. Two years hence she was talking to a ‘guy’ and I frowned a little but said nothing then. Soon things started getting out of control.

I asked her if she wanted a guy. She denied, she doesn’t agree even today after having married one. I said, “I understand and it is important that you tell me what it is and I will step aside and be there in whichever way you need me.” Ah! But accepting that meant she was in the wrong and she made a hue for questioning her loyalty. I knew something was amiss and I wanted to get to the bottom slowly and work around it. At the same time, I did not want to assume and take decisions just because I had a hunch. I wanted her to give a nod and did not want to hurt her. My biggest evidence came when she accidentally sent texts to me, which were meant for someone else. Naturally the same questions followed same denials. I believed her again miraculously, and as time passed, she moved out of town for work and then began her conversations. This time with my stubborn arguments, she could not hide/escape so she said that she couldn’t help herself and she wanted me to come down and that my absence made her do things. I knew where it was heading and I told her to take her own time, have her space and decide ‘coz, “If I come, you stay; I am not around, you change.”

Oh yes she made a decision, and it was to listen to her parents and get married. I was shocked and did not know what to say. I watched silently as things unfolded; the most interesting part was she expected me to love her, and be there for her while she married someone else. Then a few months later, it was her wedding day. I stayed away until then but I thought for old times’ sake, I should be by her side. I went and I felt terrible, but I asked her before I left; so can I move on now? She finally had a reply – yes, I suppose so. I told her, “I have nothing against you and am happy for you”, and left. We spoke on and off until she quit and arrived in town two months before she planned to leave the country. I did not want to do anything with her but she whined, asked and gave statements, and I gave in. The drama unfolds further. She said I left her. She also said she loved/ loves/ will love me. After a while I told her, “I do not want to do this anymore and you should let me be”, and there came the much awaited dialogue “We will do as you want”. Really? Her persistent calls and crying stopped the day her man arrived in town. How interesting, I thought. I was done arguing. I did not expect her to be honest. I wondered how she could change someone who would have done anything for her, to someone who could only criticise her. There was this time when she meant so much to me that her absence just killed me. I spent the longest nights pacing up my hall, waiting for her to wake up and return my calls. I do not blame her, I just feel that all that drama and time and emotions deserved some respect and a little courage to look inwards would have helped us all.

I wonder who I am now. Gay? Or did I think I was one. Am I Straight? Or did I learn to think that I am supposed to be someone over these eight years. All I know is that I have been gay without a care. Somewhere in these last few years, I wanted to make her jealous but couldn’t really and there was a time when I told myself; I am going to have a better partner and a wedding. I wonder what I meant when I uttered those words. Now I am scared if I lost a lot more than love.

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Gaysi is a space where the Desi-Gay community comes together and shares personal stories, their triumphs and failures, their struggles and their dreams, their hopes and despair. And in doing so, gives other gaysis a sliver of hope too. More