Quotes from ‘Honeymoon’

Captain Holt: I tried to suck it up and go back to work. I put on my uniform and got in my car. And next thing I knew, I was on a plane to Mexico. I didn't even pack a bag. I bought a bundle of novelty shirts at a nearby gift shop.
This one says, "What's up, beaches?" Instead of "bitches" for humor reasons.Amy: But you hate humor.Captain Holt: Well, I'm a joke now, so it suits me.

Jake: Guess who just got paid, y'all. That's right. We got stacks on stacks on stacks.Charles: Whoa. Where's all that cash from?Jake: Well, my brilliant wife found a crazy loophole called "wedding insurance."Amy: It's very common. It's like renter's insurance.Jake: Oh, my God. Do we have that too?Amy: Yes.Jake: You are a wizard.

Charles: Well, you know who didn't think it was a good run? My daddy, Lynn Boyle. He's inconsolable.Gina: Well, I'm sure he'll get over it.Charles: No, Boyles don't "get over it." It becomes part of us. It lives within us. It eats us out.

Amy: This place is so romantic.Jake: Yeah, and so intimate.Captain Holt: Don't worry. I'm not listening to you. I'm just thinking about how this sea bass is cold but not as cold and cruel as the hands of fate that have thrust my entire life into darkness.Jake: Ah, damn it. I just ordered the sea bass.

Amy: He's leaving. Our plan worked.Jake: We saved our own honeymoon, and fun bonus, we cheered up Holt.Amy: Yes. Okay, it's time to celebrate. You know what that means. This B needs a C in her A.Jake: Oh, my God.Amy: This babe needs a coconut in her arms.Jake: Oh, I thought you were saying this [bleep] needs a [bleep] in her [bleep].Amy: Oh, my God.Jake: Yeah, that was my reaction.

Captain Holt: What the hell is going on?Jake: I can't let you quit.Captain Holt: Yes, but why the candles and rose petals?Jake: Wuh-oh.Amy: Is that Mr. McClane I hear? 'Cause someone's about to Die Har- Oh, my God.
Why is Captain Holt here?Jake: Because he's gonna- Wait, are you dressed like Bonnie Bedelia in "Die Hard?"Amy: I am.Jake: For sexy reasons?Amy: Yes.Jake: Oh, boy.

Amy: What? You're quitting?Captain Holt: Yes, I am.Amy: No, you're not. We're keeping you right here.Captain Holt: How are you going to do that? Physically restrain me?Amy: Great idea. Is there anything in Charles's box of nightmares that could be used to tie up Holt?Jake: Yes. Literally everything in here could be used to tie up a person.

Scully: Hey, Gina. Did you see "Real Housewives" last night? If she says no, then ask about "Below Deck."Gina: What are you doing?Scully: She's getting suspicious, Scully. Act natural.Gina: Are you wearing an earpiece?Scully: Tell her no. Scully, stop saying what I'm saying. Be normal.

Captain Holt: I've just received the email about whether I've gotten the job as commissioner. Well, from the look on my face, I'm sure you can guess what it says.Jake: No. We have no idea at all. Just tell us, you monster.Captain Holt: Really? No one noticed the slight tension in my labial commissure? My lips. I'm smiling.

Charles: We have to get them back together.Gina: Pass.Charles: Well, I'm doing it with or without your help.Gina: Okay, without.Charles: Okay, you called my bluff. It has to be with your help. And I'm not taking no for an answer.Gina: No.Charles: Okay, you did it again. Why are you like this?Gina: I don't know.

Gina: Charles, you've got to stop. It's none of those things.Charles: Wait. You said your mom didn't tell you anything. Do you know what happened?Gina: Yes, I do. And it's none of your business, Charles. Just stop sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.Charles: Really, Gina. And where does my nose belong if not inside our parents?

Amy: Look, I know you're upset, but this isn't your last chance to become commissioner. John Kelly's old. He's not gonna be in office forever.Captain Holt: True, but he'll just be replaced by another mediocre old white man. Nothing will ever change.Amy: All right, well, what about all your goals for the Nine-Nine? You still have so much left to accomplish.Captain Holt: Wrong, I've accomplished everything that I set out to do. I wanted to reduce crime, and I did. There's no crime in Brooklyn anymore.Jake: Seems like a bit of a stretch.Amy: What about improving community relations?Jake: Done. Everyone loves the police. It's embarrassing.Amy: Way off.Jake: All right, Ame, step aside; I got this. Captain, what about the Halloween Heist?Captain Holt: I'll just come in and win it and then go back to my house.Jake: Damn it. I'm out.

Jake: All right, fine, sir, do you know why I love coming to work?Captain Holt: Because there's a bumper pool table in the break room.Jake: Yes, obviously I love the bumper pool table. But do you want to know another reason why? You. You've made me a better cop. You've made me a better person. I've learned so much from you. So you can't quit. Because I need you.Captain Holt: Oh, please. How selfish.Jake: What?Captain Holt: That little speech you just gave. It was all about you and what you need. How unbelievably selfish.

Captain Holt: Look, you have every right not to accept my apology, but at least hear it first. I'm sorry I said Jake was selfish. I'm sorry I ruined your honeymoon. I'm sorry I interrupted your "Die Hard"-themed sexcapades.Amy: You don't have to list everything; it's cool.

Jake: The point is, we are getting refunded in full, so we are going on a super-deluxe, five-star mega-baller honeymoon.Rosa: So you're not just going to the Berkshires anymore?Jake: Screw that crap hole. It's a dump, and anyone who goes there is garbage.Sergeant Jeffords: I was gonna take Sharon there for a romantic weekend.Jake: Oh, well, congratulations, ya poor. I am so sorry. Money really changes you.

Amy: It's super intimate and super fancy. And when we're there, there's only one rule.Jake and Amy: A.B.C.Jake: Always be coconuting. At all times, we will either be drinking from, eating, or wearing a coconut.

Charles: I just found out that your mom left my dad. They're getting divorced.Gina: Eh, they had a good run. Fun fact: The average American marriage lasts fewer than two days.Charles: That's not true.Gina: It doesn't have to be. It's commentary.

Captain Holt: I had no idea you'd be here.Jake: You know what? It's fine, sir. A lot of people go on their honeymoon with their boss. Nope, I thought if I said it out loud it would normalize it, but it's weird.

Captain Holt: Peralta, Santiago I'm in your room.Jake: What? How?Captain Holt: Patio door was open I pushed through the hedge. Tell me, what is it about me that screams loser?Jake: Yeah, you know, we're kind of in the middle of gettin' massages right now, sir.Captain Holt: Oh, how thoughtless of me. I'll get down here so you can see my face.Jake: Oh, no, that's-Captain Holt: Hello. The question was, what is it about me that screams loser?

Charles: I can't figure out what went wrong between our parents. They were so in love.Gina: Oh, okay, so we're having a conversation?Charles: No, to get them back together, we need to know what happened. Did your mom tell you?Gina: Nope.Charles: Damn it. Okay, let's brainstorm. It could be that my dad is too clingy or too masculine.Gina: You know what? I'm going to play a game on my phone while you go on this little journey.Charles: He overshares, he's indecisive, he's always crying.Gina: Oh, I made it inside the temple.Charles: He wears a kimono a lot.Gina: I became a hawk. I have talons.Charles: Well, he can't keep a secret. He has a clinically loose pelvis.Gina: Okay, that did break through. I heard "loose pelvis."

Amy: Mmm.Jake: Mmm.Captain Holt: Mmm. This is actually quite pleasant. You know, when you invited me to join you today, I was skeptical. I had been sitting by the pool contentedly watching a bee struggle to avoid drowning and thinking to myself how I am like that bee.Jake: Man, I hope it survived. We can't afford to lose any more bees.Captain Holt: It didn't.

Amy: Jake, why is he here?Jake: Because he's quitting the force, so I brought him to convince him not to, but obviously that is not important anymore. All right, Captain, it's been a good run. Thank you for teaching me the importance of a tie in the workplace, and the door is right over here.

Jake: Okay, well, I don't want to get mad right now, 'cause Amy's worried about you, so-Amy: No, screw that noise. How dare you call Jake selfish? He just wasted his entire honeymoon trying to take care of you while you wallowed in your misery like a little baby.Captain Holt: That seems a little harsh.Amy: Oh, does it? I don't give a hoot.Jake: Oh, damn.Amy: For the last five years, all I've done is give a hoot about you and what you think. I gave a hoot about you as a boss. I gave a hoot about you as a mentor. I gave a hoot about you as a friend.Jake: She gave so many hoots.Amy: Not anymore. After the way you've acted and what you just said to Jake, I don't give a hoot, what you think, and I really don't give a hoot if you decide to quit the NYPD, so do it. I'm all out of hoots. I'm hootless.

Captain Holt: I thought if I played by the NYPD's rules and didn't make any waves, one day I would rise to a position where I could make meaningful change.
When they hired John Kelly, I realized I was wrong, and I thought I was out of options. But then you tied me to your bed, legs akimbo, and made me realize there was another way. I could not give a hoot.Jake: Wow, the hoot thing is catching on. Didn't see that coming.

Jake: Okay, you ready?Amy: Mm-hmm.Jake: Hello.Amy: Oh, my God. Are you Melvil Dewey?Jake: Indeed I am. I invented the Dewey decimal system, but right now I'm working on the Do-me decimal system.Amy: Mm-hmm, yeah. This is really working for me.Jake: Really?Amy: Yeah.Jake: Awesome.Amy: So, Mr. Dewey, can you save me from the terrorists that have taken over Nakatomi Plaza?Jake: Yes, Holly Gennaro, I just need to file them in the library card catalog.Amy: Yeah, this is really hard to track. Let's just take our clothes off.Jake: Oh, thank God. This old jacket is so hot.

Jake: We need to celebrate. Ooh, we need music. Ooh-ohh, ohh, I brought a "Jock Jams" CD for the wedding.Amy: Oh, we didn't talk about that.Jake: It was gonna be a surprise. Our first dance was gonna be the "Tootsee Roll." Oh, no, and we didn't get to do it.Jake: I know.

Captain Holt: I want to thank you all. What an incredible moment. 30 years of struggle and sacrifice. But it was worth it, because I finally get to read the ten words I've longed to hear: "Raymond Holt, you are not the" oops. I misread the email. Didn't see the "not." So I will not be the new commissioner.

Jake: Y'all ready for this Jock jam. Whoo Why is on one else dancing? Did I miss something? Feels like I missed something. I'll just keep going until someone tells me to-All: Stop, Jake.Jake: All right.

Gina: So Captain Holt is taking another personal day. In his absence, I will be running things around here.Sergeant Jeffords: That's not true. I'm in charge.Gina: Mm, no, it's gonna be more of a Westeros free-for-all, okay? Who will bend a knee?

Rosa: Okay, so you know that meth case I've been working on for the last two months? The Department of Sanitation police want to poach it from me, because the drugs were found in a dumpster. They're saying it's garbage-related.Sergeant Jeffords: This is an easy one. Tell them to screw off. See? Problem solved. [barks]Rosa: Yeah, well, I did that, and they threatened to make a formal complaint to the mayor.Sergeant Jeffords: Then just let them have the case. Problem solved. [barks]Rosa: Terry, I've been working on it for two months, and those dummies are gonna blow it.Sergeant Jeffords: Right. Well, you could partner up with sanitation. Problem solved? Woof-woof?Rosa: Nope. Headquarters won't allow it due to budgetary reasons.Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, okay, okay, okay.Rosa: You know, Captain Holt was writing an instruction manual for his replacement in case he was named commissioner. Maybe he could tell you what to do.Sergeant Jeffords: That's not necessary. Top Dog Terry can make a decision.Rosa: And what would that be? Does Top Dog Terry want a moment to think about it?Sergeant Jeffords: Woof-woof.

Jake: Okay, so we can get away from Holt. I mean, should we tell him to leave, that he's ruining our honeymoon?Amy: No, we can't. That would crush him, and he's already so crushed. Wait, I got it.Jake: We kill Holt.Amy: No.Jake: No, that was crazy for a multitude of reasons.

Amy: We have a bunch of fun activities planned. If we include him, it'll cheer him up, and he'll leave.Jake: Right, but aren't most of our activities kind of geared towards couples?Amy: Name one couples' activity that wouldn't be more fun with your boss there.
[cut to:]Chef Kinkle: Welcome to Sensual Food Tasting: The Art of Feeding Your Lover.Captain Holt: I feel like I don't belong here.

Captain Holt: The point is that I am glad you invited me into your frivolous activities. You helped me to remember there's more to life than the NYPD.Amy: Wow, that's great to hear, sir.Captain Holt: I feel a lot better. I think I may be heading home. Unless you need a third for tonight's activities.Jake: What are we-Amy: Sensual pottery.Jake: I think we're good.

Rosa: Sarge, I keep getting calls about my drug case from- What the hell is going on?Sergeant Jeffords: Nothing. Just deciding what to do about your sanitation issue, like a boss.Rosa: You're looking for Captain Holt's manual aren't you?Sergeant Jeffords: Please, Diaz. Top Dog Terry does not need to look for Captain Holt's manual. He knows it's on his computer. Top Dog Terry was looking for the password.

Rosa: Start simple. Kevin with a capital K and a 1 instead of an I.Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I feel good about that. Locked out? Too many failed attempts? I only guessed once. Computer will now delete hard drive? I've got to fix this. [throws laptop against the wall]Rosa: Good. You fixed it.

Rosa: Well, is there any chance the info on in computer was maybe saved to the cloud?Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know. Gina, was Captain Holt's hard drive backed up to the cloud?Gina: Yeah.Sergeant Jeffords: Then why did you let me try to rebuild his computer?Gina: Because I'm a rascal.

Jake: I'm so sorry I brought Holt back here. I had no idea you were doing this whole "Die Hard" thing. Man, you really got the hair exactly right. Did you contact the onset hair stylist, Paul Abascal?Amy: No, this is a wig.Jake: Oh, that's cool too.

Jake: Hey, I thought piÃ±a coladas might be too festive, so I got two super-depressing coconuts filled with Merlot.Amy: I'm not depressed. I'm relieved. For the first time all week, it's just the two of us.Captain Holt: I'm right here. I escaped using some of the lube Boyle sent you.
It got everywhere. I had to change.

Captain Holt: I'm going to go directly to the mayor and tell him John Kelly's "vigilant policing" proposal is regressive and counter-productive, and if he implements it, I'm gonna make a big stink in the press.Amy: Going over the commissioner and threatening the mayor, sir? Don't you think that'll piss him off?Captain Holt: I don't give a hoot.

Captain Holt: Listen, I'm on the next plane back, but I wanted to pay for you two to extend your stay so you can have a proper honeymoon.Amy: Oh, sir, thank you. That's very nice, right, Jake?Jake: Yeah, super cool. Just out of curiosity asking for a friend, where did you get the shirt, and how much did it cost?

Charles: Why did you tell your mom to leave my dad, Gina? Is it so bad being a Boyle?Gina: Yes, it's terrible, but that's not why I did it. My mom was cheating on your dad, so I told her she had to break it off.Charles: What? Why didn't you tell me?Gina: Because I didn't want to hurt you or him. She was being disgusting, so I told her she had to end it.Charles: You were trying to protect us. Gina, you were actually being sweet.Gina: Uh-doi.

Rosa: Look at what it says.Sergeant Jeffords: "Never use italics, lest people think you are a con-man or a clown." I'm not sure how this applies here.Rosa: No, under that.Sergeant Jeffords: "If you are unsure of what to do in any situation, consult Sergeant Jeffords. I trust him completely." Well, that's a kick in the butt.

Rosa: So what should I do, Sarge?Sergeant Jeffords: Tell sanitation you'll work the case together. You're the primary, and HQ can take it out of the supplemental budget. I'll find the room.Rosa: Cool. Top Dog Terry's back. [barks]Sergeant Jeffords: [barks]

Captain Holt: Peralta, Santiago, how was the end of the honeymoon?Jake: It was amazing. Not to brag, but I saw a sea turtle.Amy: Kind of sounds like you're bragging, babe.Jake: I was. It looked right at me.

Amy: How'd it go here? Did you contact the mayor?Captain Holt: Yes. I voiced my concerns as soon as I got back. He heard me out, and he's put John Kelly's "vigilant policing" initiative under review.Amy: Way to go, No Hoots Holt.Jake: Was Kelly pissed?Captain Holt: Very much so. To retaliate, he closed the bottom floor of the Nine-Nine for renovations indefinitely. Everyone's been moved to our bullpen.Jake: Wait. What? [elevator dings]Captain Holt: Prepare yourselves. The Nine-Nine is at war with the NYPD.Jake and Amy: Ay caramba.