there was one cold moment in her eyes
a slash in an hour in a life
a random disconnect, a frozen synapse
one heartpiece island
that cracked and broke away
her voice wavered in the ice
enfeebled and faint
sylvester, she cried
he shivered in the rain
then his footsteps followed silence
back into the night
she relapsed into the arcane
too late to weep or why,
to keep the darkness at bay
time she built a veil a wall
stronger every dawning day
no longer does she hear his name
or his voice that said goodbye
but inside her missing breaths
neatly shrunk they stay
when darkness falls
black circles ring her eyes
too cold to sleep again
too cold, this night

For me, there are moments – like the phrase ‘a slash in an hour in a life’; also ‘too late to weep or why’ where I feel there is real power in your words. I felt, however, that this was patchy, not all of it being equally powerful – and I have some problem with the overall size – mind you, I have to confess that I can’t stand poems of more than a few lines long.

I felt like leaving a comment because I feel that there is something here and that means that perhaps you can eventually achieve something of the quality of the best, which would be something great.

On the other hand, you can toss this feedback out as being misguided: I’m no expert, by any stretch of the imagination!

~MM – Actually, I too thought it was a tad patchy :(, hopefully, I will get better with time,

length, well, in fact i feared i wrote em too short, it is refreshing to hear a complaint otherwise 🙂 i will try not to push it beyond logical in the future!

Who is defined as an expert anyway? I value your POV, please do say what you feel whenever you can!

Hi,
It`s Sanjiwan, do you remember me?It was I who distracted and offended you by the silly comment I made some days ago.Anyway, this time ,I swear ,I don`t have anything of that sort.
Anyway, I went through your poem and found some microscopic lines of emotions -In fact ,very difficult to track down. But they are good enough to rejoice the heart.

Hi MM,
I liked your response – I was a bit terse – it’s just that sometimes I feel that a lot of gushing goes on on the web, and it’s very rare to actually find a critic – I have had only one to date.
I guess the crime of patchy applies to all of us!
There’s an issue of what is inspired by the muse and what is just hard graft – it seems as if the muse rarely offers an entire poem: usually an opening line, or several even, but seldom if ever an entire poem.

as for length, I have a feeling that there is a lot of showing off among poets. I have a very short attention span in any case, so I don’t find it easy to get to the end of a poem, and my heart sinks if I see more than twelve lines or so. But there do seem to be people who have endless amounts of poetry gushing out of them, so if you (one) have, i guess you just let it flow!
Anyhow, I guess I should leave you a link, so at least you can see where I’m coming from – and it’ll give you an idea how much or little to take notice of my POV!

~MM -Thanks 94 Stranger :)! As far as showing off goes, guilty as charged :(:( … Yeah, even my attention span has brevitated 🙂 (i blame the internets) … Well, I guess, length has its place too, if it can grip and drag you along, i do get lengthy sometimes 🙂

but yeah, I understand where you come from, this is a umm calling that seems to tempt out a lot of pomposity 😦 … Will be there, I would love to read your work!