Jake's Birthday Party

Copyright 1998 Leonard Richardson

[Note: If you know the folk song that goes "I have a dear old
daddy/For whom I nightly pray/He has a set of whiskers/That are always
in the way/Oh, they're always in the way/They're always in the
way/They hide the dirt on daddy's shirt/They're always in the way",
that's pretty much how this song goes.]

My name is Jake Berendes
They call me Jakey B.
I format my agendas
When I get up to pee

When I get up to pee
When I get up to pee
I format my agendas
When I get up to pee

I live in Massachusetts
I'm kind of hard to miss
I'd tell you more about me
But ignorance is bliss

But ignorance is bliss &tc.

Those aren't my invitations
I don't know why you're here
But make yourselves comfy and
I'll get us all a beer

My name is Alice Toklas
My friend is Gertrude Stein
With big ol' goofy hairdos
We party all the time

Now ladies, don't get heavy
Please sit a while and chat
Would you like some brownies?
There's normal and low fat

Although I wouldn't like to face
A large and angry crowd
I've had it up to here with this
These people are too loud

The party's kind of rowdy
I've dealt with this before
I'll get some punch and stuff but
There's someone at the door

We are the Action News Team
We come from Channel 2
The women all wear pink, it's
The girly thing to do

We all march in formation
We're tough and won't relent
We'd like to ask you questions
About this grand event

My name is Jake Berendes
I do not have a clue
As to what this party is
Or what these people do

You stupid little bastard
You cannot fool us
We know you planned this party
Mr. Berendus

Let's take away his glasses
Let's kick him in the shins
Let's hit him with a stuffed racoon
Right where his thigh begins

My name is Barbara Walters
Reporting from the scene
My tiny little headset
Is like a lima bean

My outfit is astounding
My earrings are supreme
But as for the occasion
I cannot see a thing

Evermore, hackers
Evermore
Come on now and share the software
You'll be free, hackers

You'll be free
Come on now and share the software
You'll be free, hackers
You'll be free

Enough with these weird in-jokes
It's more than I can take
I thought this was a party
A party for the jake

Well hold on mister, hold it
It's not for you to say
What we do or don't do
On Jacob's special day

A party's not a party
Without some party games
Let's beat and poke each other
Til nothing else remains

Again you speak too hastily
We're getting to the fun
Prepare the guests for Party
Diversion Number One!

Now here we have a donkey
We've taken off his tail
So won't you wear this blindfold
And jab him with this nail?

Now wait a minute, people
What shame has come to pass?
I will not take this nail
And jab this donkey's ass

It's not a real donkey
So have no fear and push
That antiseptic nail
Right in that creature's tush

I'd really feel better
A happy Jake I'd be
If you'd remove my blindfold
And let me have a see

Oh fine, remove the blindfold
Let Jakey boy perceive
The not-a-real-donkey
That he may now believe

This is a real donkey
You wanted me to hurt
It moves its head and vomits
And nibbles on my shirt

It's just a model donkey
That walks around and brays
We made it out of cardboard
It took us twenty days

But if you won't believe us
Even though it's true
We'll scrap it and move on to
Diversion Number Two

Behold the big pinata
It's full of candy treats
Of Snickers bars and Mallomars
And chocolate-covered beets

It's shaped just like a donkey
So put this blindfold on
And whack with this here baseball bat
Til the pinata's gone

This is the same old donkey
It seems that all you've done
Is wrapped him in crepe paper
For you to have your fun

He will not hurt the donkey
This much we plainly see
It's time to move to Party
Diversion Number Three

We're rolling in a cake now
Although it's made of wood
I'm sure you'll find the contents
To be extremely good

Now, is some brazen hussy
To come out of this tart
And bump and grind against me
To win my teenaged heart?

Well Jake, that's quite perceptive
That's just what we had planned
The finest brazen hussy
In Massachusetts land

Well guys, I just don't trust you
I think it's all a plot
To make me hurt the donkey
A thing which I will not

The time has come for action
We can't stand idly by
And let that donkey wander
By Jake's hand it must die

Now people, people, people
As emcee I must say
There's no need to be angry
On Jacob's special day

Let's just forget the donkey
And all those silly games
Continue with the party
Let no one spoil our aims

MC, what is the purpose
Of all these people here?
I sure did not invite them
Into my home so dear

Now Jake, just have a seat and
Enjoy the company
There's revelry and magic
And serendipity

I must insist, oh emcee
To know what brings you round
There is no rhyme or reason to
This party I have found

Well Jake, today is your day
And we're here to ensure
That nothing interferes with
Your entertainment, sir

You send out invitations
To everyone alive
And all to entertain me
Well that just doesn't jive

Now calm yourself, young fellow
All will be made clear
Now be a groovy pumper
And get your pal a beer

These freakazoids are too much
I think they are insane
I must make my escape before
They pour me down the drain

The Master of Ceremonies
Is clearly not all there
Delighting in my anguish
I ought to light a flare

It's shameful, really, having
To escape my own house
But best I make my exit
While all of them are soused

This is the song narrator
And so, intrepid Jake
Departed through the window
And ran off towards the lake

His home was taken over
By weirdos of all types
By people who wore shorts with
Big stupid racing stripes

He knew not what could happen
He knew not where to go
And yet he started running
And now back to our show

My name is Dana Scully
My partner's name is Fox
I have to tell him, "Mulder..."
He's so unorthodox

We've come from television
Here to investigate
That strange and monstrous creature
Known only as "the jake"

He was here at the party
We saw him here ourselves
But he has strangely disappeared
Like one of Mulder's elves

We've searched inside the bathtub
We've searched the closet space
There is no way around it
He must have left this place

I tell you Scully, Jake must
Have powers beyond man's
For how else could he pump out
Such funkadelic jams?

It must be supernatural
This disappearing trick
We've sealed all the exits
Except the ones we haven't

Mulder, I just got a call
Upon my little phone
Confirming what we thought at first
The jake has left his home

The beast has now been spotted
He's moving towards the lake
He leaves a trail of records
And ramen in his wake

What is the jake's location?
What is his current state?
We must expose the cover-up
We must investigate

We have some grainy photos
We have some stories, too
We have a fake autopsy
That's the best we could do

I think that we should show this
To the FBI
The other agents mock us
But this they can't deny

We can't use that as evidence
That stuff will never last
We've got to head out to our car
And drive it really fast [Vroom!]

Amazing, Jake's endurance
The speed at which he moves
And yet he still continues
To toss the funky grooves

Now Scully, that's unusual
You must concede that he
Who beatboxes while running
Must supernatural be

Now Mulder, I am sure that
The explanation's there
It may be plate tectonics
Or something in the air

At last we now approach him
He crawls and gasps for breath
I fear his royal Jakeness
Is nearing certain death

There's only one way, Scully
To find what it's about
You must revive poor Jacob
By giving mouth-to-mouth

Now Mulder, this is silly
There's some conspiracy
To get hot chicks to press their lips
'Gainst those of Jakey B.

Oh, would you stop complaining?
We must find out the truth
If it means sucking face with Jake
I'm sure not gonna do it

Now hold it there, young lovers
You're missing out real bad
There is a swingin' party
At Jake Berendes's pad

Oh Scully, Mulder, help me
This awful, awful man
Is forcing me to party
As only bastards can

Now fellas, fellas, join us
To celebrate the jake
The jam was getting stuffy
So we've moved it to the lake

And here's the best part, Jacob
The part I couldn't say
The reason for this party
Is your nineteenth birthday

You total, utter moron!
You tortured me for this?
You think that I don't even know
When my own birthday is?

Oh man, I never thought of that
I do apologize
I hope you'll join our party
Please reprioritize

All right, I'll join your party
But no more anguish, please
Another party like this
And I am bound to wheeze

I'm glad you've reconsidered
We'll have a real good time
Now everybody gather round
And bust a birthday rhyme

He's creepy and he's kooky
He's nineteen and he's Jake
So tie him up and gag him
And feed him birthday cake
Yes feed... him... birth... day... cake!

This document (source) is part of Crummy, the webspace of Leonard Richardson (contact information). It was last modified on Sunday, July 29 2007, 14:03:24 Nowhere Standard Time and last built on Tuesday, November 20 2018, 00:00:01 Nowhere Standard Time.