So that song doesn’t have any real relevance that I can think of right now, but it’s my favorite Bowie song of the moment. And besides, what am I supposed to do here, take a picture of myself or something? Gross. I’m sick and pale, plus I’m crying. DON’T JUDGE ME.

Anyway, this is going to be a post of me saying bye to you guys. It’s probably going to be too long, and I’m probably going to ramble. You know how I do.

I’m going to miss you guys so much! I feel like I’m breaking up with you, and it’s not because I don’t love you anymore, it’s just because things are changing, and I still want to be friends, I really do. You can holler at me on Facebook or Twitter, and you can keep up with my cats on Instagram. I have a blog that I update sometimes. In due time, you’ll be able to read me rant about Taylor Swift again. This isn’t goodbye, this is see you later.

I am the biggest p-ssy ever, you guys. This is so lame.

But you know, I feel like we’ve had some good times, right? We got to watch the aforementioned Taylor Swift commit statutory rape together. We got to document how crazy Victoria Jackson is together. We even got to witness David Bowie‘s miraculous return to music together. We’ve gone through a lot of celebrity gossip milestones together. And hey: we’ll always have the conception of the spawn of Kimye.

I don’t know, friends. Basically, you’re all wonderful. I mean, maybe a couple of you aren’t, but for the most part, you guys are just too awesome. There’s Mireee, who is just the coolest, and crab, who I can always count on for some great kitty talk. There’s Chaz, and even though he asks for pictures of dirty tampons, I have to respect such a funny dude who loves my dear Sarah so much. There’s Simon Jadis, who has the most wonderful comments and who is just such a delight. There’s Ike Nash, who I truly hope never stops writing songs. There’s Harriet Meadow, who always sounds so neat (is this getting weird? Let’s get weird). There’s Mercy, who is so, so great. And guest … we all know how I feel about guest. Hint: it’s the same way everyone else feels about guest.

Major shoutouts (oh god, I’m giving shoutouts now, what have I become?) to Sasha, who liked my play about Jesus and my Twitter account enough to give me this crazy amazing opportunity, and A., who was so wonderful to let me keep on keepin’ on afterwards. And the other ladies I’ve had so much fun working with – Molls and Jenn, those absolute darlings – this has just been such a fantastic experience. And you know, I don’t even have enough words to say how completely phenomenal Sarah is, so I don’t think I can even try. Just know that she is one of the sweetest, smartest, funniest people I’ve ever met in my whole entire life, and you should probably consider yourselves lucky that you’ve gotten to hear what she has to say for the past few years. And yes, I’m still crying.

But don’t worry! I’ve read lots of things by Jennifer and Bobby, your new Evil Beet crew, and you guys are in such good hands. Seriously, have you looked at their blogs yet? No excuses. Get psyched.

And one last time, here’s a picture of my cats. I couldn’t get a new one of them together because they both need their testicles removed so they quit running around the house for hours and hours at a time, but here are my precious angel babies taking turns sleeping on my lap:

I love you guys! Don’t be strangers! I’m going to go drink NyQuil and stop feeling so many feelings! Later!

Look, you don’t say anything bad about Michelle Obama. You just don’t. It doesn’t matter what she does, you say something nice or you just shut your mouth. Like if someone released some footage of Michelle Obama drowning puppies, you’d still be like “well, she did look really classy doing it.” If she made a statement about how she wanted to stop focusing on promoting healthy choices for kids and start promoting PCP use for kids, then you’d say something like “that’s a strong woman who can go after what she believes in.” And then you’d do this solemn, appreciative nod that everyone always seems to do when talking about this lady. Do you know what I’m talking about?

For those of you living under a rock in a cave with no wifi, here’s Michelle’s new bangs:

Flawless, right? Even my dad has a crush on her, and he never talks about any famous lady crushes. He called me after Obama won the election and said things like “I’m so glad Obama won so I don’t have to hear that other asshole talk anymore” and “his wife sure is a pretty woman, huh?” Everyone loves Michelle Obama.

I’m sorry (no, I’m not), but Taylor Swift is really, really dumb. She’s smart with some things, of course, like writing songs that little girls will fall in love with and all that, but for the most part, she’s just a big dummy.

Here’s what I mean: we all understand why Taylor Swift is dumb. We all get it. We all get that she’s creepy and obsessive and weird, and that she tries to cover all that up by pretending to be an angelic, virginal 12-year-old girl. That’s all very clear to us, right? But not to Taylor. She just doesn’t get it.

“People say that I’m buying houses all the time that I’m not buying. It’s like every time the press thinks I like a guy, they say I am buying a house next to them. And also they think they know what I’m getting people for Christmas, which they don’t. I was thinking when I saw that one (rumor) that if they actually got it right I would be so sad because they would have blown my Christmas present, but they were all wrong.”

Because that’s the thing people make fun of her for, buying houses. Ugh. This is like Lindsay Lohan doing an interview and saying “guys, I don’t really have sex with Terry Richardson!” Like, ok, that’s one tiny, old rumor addressed, but how about every other thing that’s wrong with you?

There’s also another story about Tay Tay going around (I have to cram in an extra one, guys, because this is my very last time talking to you about this girl! Can you even imagine?!). It seems like she’s basically been crying nonstop ever since Harry Styles broke up with her. Poor thing. Some source said that “she is a complete mess,” and that it’s really hurting her feelings how everyone’s pointing out the fact that she’s crazy.

My favorite part, though, is about how Tina Fey made a joke about her at the Golden Globes. Here’s how Taylor apparently reacted afterwards:

”That’s when it hit her that she has such a horrible reputation, it could affect her professionally.”

Hey, remember when everybody thought the world was going to end on December 21st, 2012? And some people really thought the world was going to end, and they focused their whole lives on getting ready for it? You should remember that, it wasn’t that long ago. Oh, and there was an episode of Wife Swap about it (not that you should, but if you wanted to, the episode might be on YouTube and it might be TOTALLY WORTH IT). Come on, you guys totally remember this.

But you know who definitely remembers this? Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. They remember it so well because they wasted all the money they earned from being dumb because of it.

Here’s what Spencer himself had to say about his behavior in the months and years leading up to December 21st:

“We made and spent at least 10 million dollars. The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, we have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits.

“Here’s some advice, definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. But the world didn’t end.

“I would give my friends $15,000 for their birthday. Just cash. I would buy people cars. Every valet I met got a couple of hundred pounds tip. I would pay people $200 just to open doors for us.”

I love how he said that they “heard the planet was going to end.” It seemed like most people who thought the world was going to end were a lot more adamant about it, you know? Like “the world is ending, prepare for the end times, this is definitely, 100% for sure happening!” But Spencer and Heidi just heard about it somewhere, I guess. It must have sounded pretty legit to them.

But guys, please heed Spencer’s advice and do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. If you can take one thing away from this whole story, please let it be that.

Big day for Michael Lohan … his daughter escaped jail … and his fiancee just gave birth to a BOUNCING BABY BOY!!!

While Lindsay was sweatin’ it out in court, Kate Major went into labor at a Florida hospital.

We’re told Kate gave birth to a son — Landon Major Lohan — at 11:39 AM PT.

The baby weighed in at 19 3/4 inches, 7 lbs 5 oz … and is already wanted in 3 states (kidding!).

We’re told Michael was with Kate the entire time … and even cut the umbilical cord.

A rep for the family tells us baby, Michael and Kate are all doing great.

Congratulations, everybody! And by “congratulations,” of course I mean “someone please get that poor darling baby as far away from all these people as possible.” Michael Lohan probably didn’t need to be raising any kids in the first place, but I feel like now that his crazy asshole tendencies have really set in, this kid is in even more trouble than he would have been if he was part of the original Lohan brood. I mean, in a few years this kid can Google his dad and read all about the time that he kicked his mom in the vagina. That just has bad news written all over it.

At this point, I think it’s safe to say that James Franco is better than all of us. And I say that without any resentment. It’s just the truth. James Franco is a beautiful, talented soul, and we might as well be made of shit. Truth!

But did you know that James Franco is also better than all other celebrities, and basically every other person working in Hollywood? Specifically, he’s better than everyone who worked on the latest Spiderman movie.

“Eh,” Franco told MTV with his signature smirk and a shrug. “I mean, they could have strayed a little bit more from the original. It’s like, ‘Why?’ Well, I guess they made a lot of money. Congrats. But good for them…Sam and I moved on, we made Oz.”

See? He was in three Spiderman movies, and one video game, but the difference is that he was in the original. He was in the ORIGINAL Spiderman. The movie that he was in with Tobey Maguire was just so creative, so cutting edge! Like, some regular guy was just being regular, but then he develops all these super powers after getting bitten by some weird spider! How did they even come up with that? SO original.

And I love that last little zinger James Franco made: he moved on to make another astoundingly original movie about some wizard in some magical place called Oz! Flying monkeys, even! Where do they come up with this stuff?!

This actress is known mostly for her work in television. She is pretty, but she is desperate to be thinner. While she already looks slim, she thinks that if she could just drop a few more pounds that she will land the lead role in a series this year. She has a difficult time battling the hunger pangs, so she has resorted to a rather bizarre diet.

She has been eating paper. She buys rolls of paper towels made of unbleached paper, and chews bits of it all day long. She claims she is not hurting herself because she only eats natural paper and drinks plenty of water so that the paper passes naturally through her system.

I have no idea who this blind item is about. At all. Zero ideas. The two most popular guesses are Jennifer Aniston and Eva Longoria though: Jennifer because of the bit about water (mmmm, Smartwater!), and Eva because the bit about being “desperate.” But personally, I’ve got nothing.

That’s where you come in, friends. See if you can come up with some more guesses. Because I really, really want to know which bitch is eating paper.