Wednesday, September 28, 2011

If you're having trouble finding that special person, maybe stop and admit that perhaps you may just suck at dating, like me. If dating were a sport, I would be sitting the bench in the JV league. I guess we all can't be good at everything! I know I could use some coaching myself.

My new co-host and work husband Otis on Kiss 95.1 says I am too dorky and I challenge men by being too smart. I will try and be cool and then rattle off some facts about something I read or saw in a museum and lose their interest in the conversation — and me. So should I dumb myself down?

But that's just one explanation of how I screw up dates!

Let's examine how we act on a first date. A first impression is usually a lasting one, and it's easy to make a first date your last.

So here are some coaching tips on plays you should not make in your game:

Talking about your ex. That is the fastest way to scare a guy away. No guy wants to hear about your ex-boyfriend; they want to hear about you. Check your emotional baggage at the door and travel light into your dates.

Getting hammertimed. Clearly, having a couple of drinks softens the awkwardness of a first date, but no guy wants to have to drive you home and tuck you in like a 5-year-old. Plus, being sloppy usually correlates to being slutty.

Not being friendly. The way you treat waiters and waitresses at restaurants is a direct reflection of how you will treat him, as it's representative of how you treat others.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

When I first heard about Over the Counter (OTC) Improv’s “I’m SINGLE in Charlotte” show, it piqued my interest. Comedy and matchmaking ... hmmm, how does that work?

I’m happily married, so there’s no reason for me to go. But I was inspired by Jordan’s attempts to find Brittney a date on Match.com. This comedy in match-making dating service left me thinking I could be a sneaky intern, too. Brittney laughs for a living, literally. I'd love to find her someone to laugh with her even when she's off the clock. Plus, I owe her one for coming to my wedding — so I set off on a mission.

I called up the OTC founder Paul Marks and he informed me that 140 people attended the last improv orgy. That is quite the selection of singles for Brittney to play with. And by play, I am referring to improv games. Marks said a game the group uses a lot is the Greeting Game. Groups are given a scenario like "a one night stand” or "bad breath," and everyone has to react to the situation. The idea is to get singles interacting with each other and it works. First dates can be awkward, and what better way to ease the awkwardness than by laughing at it?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The news reported that Cornelius Police responded to two incidents involving rabid foxes recently. Living in Cornelius myself, I couldn't help but wonder — did they mean cougars? Because there sure are a lot of them running around up here. Or, did they mean me?! A younger, not as all mighty version of a cougar.

Considering the last few guys I've dated have been four to even nine years younger than me, perhaps I am a young cougar. But at least I don't appear to be rapid and desperate ... not yet at least.

Just to make sure the news was referring to real, actual rapid foxes running wild (and not me), I called Cornelius Animal Shelter and asked a little more about said incidents. As it turns out, there were two separate incidents over the last month. One fox had bitten a pet, and the pet in turn bit the owner, which is how they found out the fox was rabid. This incident took place around the Caldwell Depot. The other took place near Highway 21 when a rapid baby fox scratched someone. A rapid baby fox scratching someone ... now that sounds like an incident of a college girl getting drunk and starting a fight with her boyfriend.

I was told no incidents have occurred since then, and if you have pets in the area, to be sure they are all updated on vaccinations.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I finally found the man of my dreams! The perfect man. My prince charming (and in this case, dorky) .… Dr. Spencer Reid from the A&E show Criminal Minds (played by Matthew Gray Gubler). Too bad he's a fictional character.

When he rattles off nerdy facts dissecting evidence and analyzing psychology as he pulls his loose flowing hair behind his ears, the suspense drama show turns into a romance for me. I go from caring about how the plot unfolds, to wanting to have Dr. Reid’s babies.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Our first game was last week, in which I played catcher (Translation: squatted there and flirted with the batters to distract them).

I got up to bat and swung at the very first thing that was thrown at me. I hit it and got a run … and ran into first base so fast I slid into a split. Not on purpose.

It may have been a hit that got me to first base (barely), but it wasn’t a good one.

I ended up getting a run, which made having a pain in my groin worth it. But then my next turn up to bat, I did the same thing … swung at the first ball that came at me. It was way too high, but turned into a strike by settling for it.

I swung again and got a hit that looked like a deliberate bunt, but no, it was just another bad hit. I moved my short little legs as fast as I could and barely made it to first at the mercy of the other team’s sub-par field game.

When I made it back around to home plate and into the dug out, my best friend Jordan asked me why I swing at everything that comes my way. And I of course turned it into a joke and metaphor for dating.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Since I keep seeing girl-on-girl hate crimes being committed, spanning from elementary school to adulthood, I feel compelled to put my pen down and write a “Girl Code Amendment” — kinda like the Constitution of Female Behavior that should be considered law.

Repeat after me.

Thou shall not call another girl ugly, fat or insult her outfit without looking in the mirror first. Don't hate, congratulate (especially if that's how you expect to be treated in return). Thou shall not take your insecurities out on another girl by bullying and trying to make her feel insecure.Thou shall not be a homewrecker.Thou shall never knowingly be the “side chick” — or ever settle for being as such.Thou shall not flirt with a guy another friend has dated or truly cared about. Including but not limited to texting, Facebooking, tweeting and/or calling.Thou shall not try to sabotage another woman’s relationship or reputation by spreading rumors and being a vixen.Thou shall realize the power of the vagina and not give it up too easily.Thou shall not let another woman leave the ladies room with toilet paper stuck to her shoe, and will be honest about whether that dress makes her look fat or not.Thou shall never impede on a man’s responsibility as a father and his duties to the mother of his child.Thou shall respect your girlfriend’s trust and keep secrets, not borrow clothes without asking, nor talk behind their backs.Thou shall celebrate a girlfriend’s success rather than belittle it and hate on her about it. Because haters are just people who need love.

Chicks before dicks!

Consider this an official document in written law. Now put your John Hancock on it like the Declaration of Independence. But this is the Declaration of End-Dependence. The No. 1 rule of girl code is to never depend on a man to make us happy and whole. Our happiness is our own responsibility.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

… you have to try them on before you buy. And just like in a fitting room at the new Nordstrom Rack, you typically need to try on several to find the one that fits just right.

How many dresses have you thought looked great on the rack, but then when you tried them on, they just didn’t fit right. There’s no better feeling than finding that perfect dress for you … and the perfect man to accessorize it with.

I myself have tried hippie dresses, but I prefer a clean living environment. I’ve tried on the bad boy-leather dress, but I like having a clean criminal record, too. I tried on the foreign-made dress, but realized I like to talk too much to have a communication barrier such as language. I have tried on the glamorous cocktail dress, but realized I am more comfortable in cut-off jeans. I have been to just about every store from Ross and TJ Maxx, to Lotus to Julie’s boutique, to BeBe on Rodeo Drive.

I learned that shopping on Rodeo Drive can spoil you, but there’s nothing better than digging through the racks of an outlet store to find that buried treasure. Those cheap dresses tend to fit me more comfortably than the sparkly cocktail dress so tight I have to wear Spanxx.

I asked all my girlfriends, and the majority of them said that their favorite thing in their closet is some random shirt or dress they found for cheap at some random store.

Because that’s what the good ones always are … a find.

We also tend to do this with identities. We change careers, we change paths in life, we try on different decisions to see what makes us happy. And eventually, we will find one that fits.

Just be careful when you’re trying on dresses at Macy’s, specifically — they’ve installed their dressing room door slants upside down so that sales clerks may see in and make sure you’re not a klepto. True story.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The ol’ ball and chain being Charlotte … You’re stuck with me, for the next three years, at least.

Apparently I have a face for radio, considering I was given the morning show slot on KISS 95.1 with Otis. As in Ace & TJ’s old time slot.

First order of business: speech therapy. Second order of business: Learn how to quickly fill some big shoes with my little ass feet. Third order of business: Go buy five more alarm clocks.

I was just sitting behind my computer writing my column, and then Otis shoved a microphone in my face, and before I know it, we're being offered our own morning show. And just like that, my whole life game plan changed.

I have always said that my motive for being an artist is to have a voice, so that I may use it for good. I got what I always wanted I guess. I just never imagined it would manifest in a literal sense, in a career in radio. So I am signing on the dotted line like a woman who just turned 30, ready to settle down.

Please bear with me as I figure out how to transcribe this blog to the spoken word. Like speaking in tweets, 140 characters or less. And without the luxury of editing and having a filter. I have already lost approximately $17 to Otis for saying the S or F words in conversation off the record.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Emotionally slutty, that is. While I don’t put out, I put myself out there too much.

It used to be that when I started dating someone, I would send a six-month representative — the person I thought they wanted to get to know. A less-flawed, down-for-anything, eats-small-meals-on-dates version of myself. And the guy would typically send a better version of himself as well. But as time goes on, the true character is always revealed. Be it a lack of ambition, control issues or a negative way of handling stress, they show you their ugly side. Meanwhile, I just looked like an ass trying to make myself seem more attractive, yet I’d have been more attractive to the guy had I just been my uncool self.

Being jaded by meeting too many “six-month representatives,” and worse, for being one myself in certain circumstances, I figured I would correct my mistake of trying too hard — I started being very forthcoming about who I am. Introducing myself with my flaws and my childhood traumas included in my bio, I have turned into an emotional whore.

I figured it would be more fair to him to just show the whole package up front rather than be a used car salesman and break down on him later. But all that does is send the guy running as fast as an NFL wide receiver in training camp trying to keep his job.

Time to find a happy median.

The comedy theater tragedy mask has two faces — a smile and a frown — for a reason. That’s because all comedy comes from tragedy. I typically only show people the smiley, bubbly Britt, never taking off the mask to reveal the real me for which my comedy is derived. Is it too much to ask for someone whom I can be off for every once in a while? Someone who, in the rare instance I’m frowning, wants to turn it back into a smile.

Instead of sending a six-month representative to a new relationship, telling the person what we think they want to hear, we should show our real selves and see if they like it. But maybe try to avoid telling the story about getting raped on the first date — usually not the best dinner conversation.