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What a mistake this was: American Ninja 5

So I’ve been thinking long and hard on ways to bring brand new up to date content to the site. After literally minutes of brain storming I came upon the kind of inspiration that one only hits when you’re finally able to overcome “the fear“. It was at this point I realized I had to watch awesome [Editor’s Note: He means awful] 80’s and early 90’s action movies!

Of course my first choice was American Ninja because how could I not review that glorious masterpiece? As I began my research into the rich cinema history of American Ninja, I found that there were sequels, and not just one or two, but a total of four sequels, and as we all know a sequel is always better than the predecessor, so just imagine my glee when I found a dusty copy of American Ninja 5 just waiting for my hungry Laserdisc player.

You know right off the bat a movie is going to be amazing [Editor’s Note: I don’t think he understands the word]. We start off with Joe Kastle and Tadashi working hard on their ninja by punching through small holes and karate chopping apples on swords. Throughout this time the music is pumping and the training is getting fierce. It all comes to a head with the title screen. This sh*t is going to be intense!

We meet up with Joe as he is going home [Editor’s Note: Home is a small boat] to change so he can go back to the gym. Here is where we find Lisa, who is so obviously going to be the love interest, but let’s skip all this boring exposition. Fast forward to the gym. Hey! It’s Mr. Miyagi. Ok, now Joe has a kid with him and he keeps calling him hero [Editor’s Note: The boy’s name is Hiro]. I didn’t sign on for some lame kid to be in the middle of my ninja movie.

I’m not exactly sure what is going on right now as I am watching the movie in double speed. It seems that Mr. Miyagi gave Joe a kid and now Joe is taking that kid on a date… Sweet the girl is getting girlnapped! Time for action to start. Wait, Joe and the kid are still playing Game Gear. They found a crushed rose. Off to save the girl and fight ninjas along the dock? Some ninja just took the time to light an arrow on fire before he shot it and now he’s drowning in the ocean.

OK, fast forward. They are in some Latin country and Joe’s in jail. A whole lot of boring stuff is happening. And now for a fight with a bunch of ninjas in different colored outfits. Kid gets tossed aside and Joe never gets hit. They start meditating and Mr. Miyagi shows up. I think the kid just got super ninja powers. Fast forward some more. Yep, the kid is now kicking ass as a ninja. At this point they save the girl by running away to a taxi as a bunch of multicolored ninjas and weird dudes all in white chase them.

Now I guess they need to go back and save the girls dad because he doesn’t want to kill a dog with gas or something. I really don’t know, I was drinking heavily by this point [Editor’s Note: Me too]. It’s now time for the flamboyant boss ninja to show up!

At this point there has been a lot of fighting and Joe hasn’t been hit once, and same goes for the kid once he got his magic ninja powers. Hopefully flamboyant boss ninja will kick some ass. The kid is down! Joe is down! Oh no, how will our heroes ever survive? Joe is back up! Now he’s doing the Hulk Hogan thing where every hit makes him stronger! Down goes flamboyant ninja boss! Wait, he just turned into smoke. I didn’t talk about this before, but this movie is full of ninjas turning in to smoke. There seems to be a constant background of white smoke throughout the whole movie.

OK, back to the story. Flamboyant boss ninja is now on a plane that Joe easily runs to catch up to as it is taking off. Fight ensues, kid is now flying the plane? Cut scene to everyone being happy that they saved the world, the girl, and the dad. Plus Joe learned a valuable lesson that he likes kids.

I would like to thank the seven Venezuelan ninjas for their hard work.

Overall I have to give American Ninja 5 six glasses of Whiskey out of one liver disease.

Dude, Iron Eagle was the best! Where else can a washed up fighter pilot and the teenage son of a POW pilot tem-up and overthrow a generic Middle Eastern terrorist regime (or something like that), all without facing severe Federal prosecution!?! The 80′s, that’s where!!