What the fuck is wrong with you people?

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Jesus’ secrets now available on eBay.

It’s hard to tell if the person hosting this auction is True Believer™ nutcase or someone trying to cash in on the credulousness of True Believer™ nutcases. Either way they’re attempting to sell a handwritten journal about secrets revealed by a vision of Jesus that this person supposedly experienced some time ago:

The winner of this auction will receive my handwritten journal where I have described in detail the four messages of Jesus Christ who has appeared to me.

Jesus revealed four specific things to me:

#1: The precise location of Heaven
#2. The cure for cancer
#3. The solution for the achievement of world peace.
#4. He revealed the future to me.
I will briefly discuss each of the four revelations now. HOWEVER, I HAVE DISCUSSED THESE IN DETAIL IN THE JOURNAL.

The price for this wondrous knowledge? A mere $15,000 or best offer. Surely you’d think that the location of Heaven, a cure for cancer, world peace, and knowledge of the future would be near-priceless if it all turned out to be true. Alas this fellow goes on to reveal these secrets on the very same page so I suppose that brings the price down a bit. First up, the location of Heaven. It’s closer than you think.

#1. THE PRECISE LOCATION OF HEAVEN: When we die we will become stars… Literally stars! Jesus Christ is our Earth’s sun. That is why we are His… Because we come on one of His planets. When we die and become stars we, too, will be blessed by wonderful special planets which orbit us and bring us great happiness. God the Creator is also a star… The first and the greatest. Two thousand years ago Jesus said “I am the Light of the World.” Jesus now wants us to understand that this means He is the Sun and that when we die, we will become stars too.

This is an interesting claim to make given that we know that stars, much like people, have finite lifespans and eventually die themselves. What happens when we die as a star? Do we go to yet another heaven filled with star-people? When you consider that stars are basically great big balls of nuclear fire burning for eons before they die it seems like being turned into a star would be more akin to Hell than Heaven. But hey, this dude has talked it over with Jesus so he must know what he’s talking about.

#2. THE CURE FOR CANCER: The cure for cancer is actually the knowledge of the precise CAUSE OF CANCER. We already know the cures for cancer, mainly prevention and early detection. Also chemotherapy, radiation, surgery and alternative medicine. We also are acutely aware of the roles of carcinogens, environment, heredity and diet. But what is the PRECISE AND SOLE CAUSE OF CANCER? CANCER OCCURS WHEN WE EAT OUR OWN FLESH. (Two very simple examples of eating our own flesh are biting our cuticles or biting our lips.) When a piece of our own flesh is digested, microscopic fragments of our own DNA enter the bloodstream. If a piece of this DNA enters a vulnerable cell, the nucleus of the cell identifies the ‘food’ as ‘self’ and this causes a ‘circuit’ to be blown in the nucleus. When (and if) that cell goes to divide, it does so in a haphazard fashion, dividing into four instead of into two and the mutation continues. There is an interesting correlation to Christianity here. Jesus told us to “take His flesh and eat it.” Now he wants us to know not to eat our own flesh in any way because it is deadly.

That’ll be a new one for Mom to use: Don’t chew your nails are you’ll give yourself cancer! Thank goodness Jesus’ flesh is carcinogen free given all the Catholics that are chomping down on it all the time. Remember kids, it’s OK to eat Jesus, but not yourself.

#3. THE SOLUTION FOR THE ACHIEVEMENT OF WORLD PEACE: This is so simple! According to Jesus, the way to achieve world peace is this: An AMERICAN president has to set a goal for WORLD PEACE BEFORE 2021. (President Kennedy did something similar when he set a goal for the USA to land a man on the moon in the 60’s.)

Well, that’s never gonna happen.

#4. JESUS REVEALED TO FUTURE TO ME: The future will go one of two ways: If world peace is not achieved before 2021 the world will destroy itself. If world peace is achieved before 2021, there will be no more natural disasters.

So natural disasters are caused by the lack of peace? Whodathunkit?

I’m not entirely convinced hearing more details of these four revelations is really worth $15,000, but there’s probably someone out there who will at least come up with a “or best offer” to send along for this journal. It’s good to see the local asylum’s new Inmate Computer Training program is working out well, though.

20 thoughts on “Jesus’ secrets now available on eBay.”

Surely the biggest star the universe ever produced would have been well above the Chandrasekar Limit. This would mean the star would have had a short life span (cosmically speaking of course) before collapsing into a black hole.

Are you kidding? $15,010 is a small price to pay for all the secretes of the world **Rolls Eyes**. You know normally you would hear me say how taking advantage of someone is a bad thing. But in this case if you spend the money and buy the journal you deserve to get screwed over.

#1. THE PRECISE LOCATION OF HEAVEN: When we die we will become stars… Literally stars! Jesus Christ is our Earth’s sun. That is why we are His… Because we come on one of His planets. When we die and become stars we, too, will be blessed by wonderful special planets which orbit us and bring us great happiness. God the Creator is also a star… The first and the greatest. Two thousand years ago Jesus said “I am the Light of the World.

I think this guy is a crackpot. I was talking to Jesus just the other day and he didn’t mention anything about this guy and his eBay auctions. He did, however, totally bogart the bong and then took over my laptop for hours, obsessing over girls on myspace.

I think everyone’s missing the potential for proph- I mean profit here. I say we all watch closely and see if anyone buys this crap, then we work on cashing in on it. What a great way to get money for a new computer or car – taking money from the gullible rubes seeking truth in mythology!!! For 15k a pop Jesus would be talking to me a whole lot.

THE CURE FOR CANCER: The cure for cancer is actually the knowledge of the precise CAUSE OF CANCER. We already know the cures for cancer, mainly prevention and early detection. Also chemotherapy, radiation, surgery and alternative medicine. We also are acutely aware of the roles of carcinogens, environment, heredity and diet. But what is the PRECISE AND SOLE CAUSE OF CANCER? CANCER OCCURS WHEN WE EAT OUR OWN FLESH. (Two very simple examples of eating our own flesh are biting our cuticles or biting our lips.) When a piece of our own flesh is digested, microscopic fragments of our own DNA enter the bloodstream. If a piece of this DNA enters a vulnerable cell, the nucleus of the cell identifies the ‘food’ as ‘self’ and this causes a ‘circuit’ to be blown in the nucleus. When (and if) that cell goes to divide, it does so in a haphazard fashion, dividing into four instead of into two and the mutation continues. There is an interesting correlation to Christianity here. Jesus told us to “take His flesh and eat it.

No, you guys don’t understand. He really is a nice guy. I emailed him and he was so welcoming. He said that all we women need to do to get into heaven is to stop trying to go against Jesus’s nature and act like women. All I need to do is wear skirts, stop wearing a bra, sell my home in the devil’s playground and live in his nice little community, and he can get me in with Jesus so that I will be a more special little star than all of you! Praise be to Jesus! Let the cult of cooky little stars begin….