Name

Year

Credit

credited As

It's easy to get swept up with major Hollywood stars this time of year, gazing at the red carpet and thinking of these celebs as superhuman megastars, but even the biggest names around got their starts in less glamorous ways. Before their Oscars and Emmys, these stars had Pop Tarts and Lisa Frank.
1. Ben Affleck
Dig those smooth moves and that hip phone! The two-time Oscar winner starred in this Burger King commercial before becoming the megastar we know today from films like Good Will Hunting and Gone Girl. His next role may be playing Batman, but now we'll always think of him as this bad boy who breaks the rules.
2. Brad Pitt
It may be crazy to see a superstar like Brad Pitt shelling for potato chips, but if you think about it, not much has really changed for the Oscar-winning Fight Club star since this Pringles commercial: he still looks good enough to make our mouths water.
3. Jennifer Lawrence
Since starring in this commercial for MTV's Super Sweet 16, Hunger Games star Jennifer Lawrence has taught those boys how to properly carry her around on her throne, where this Oscar-winning actress belongs.
4. Stanley Tucci
We've always loved The Devil Wears Prada's Stanley Tucci, but seeing him young and hunky in this Levi's commercial made us love him even more.
5. Steve Carell
Steve Carell may have received his first Oscar nomination for his dramatic role in Foxcatcher, but this commercial shows that he's at his best when he's being funny and lovable.
6. Leonardo DiCaprio
We're like 97% sure we'd take our pants off immediately if Leo came up to us now and told us to "keep it poppin" or to "save some for Daddy." The 5-time Academy Award nominee is underrated even when it comes to his commercials.
7. Haley Joel Osment
We're just gonna throw this out there: The Sixth Sense could have been a much better movie if they'd stuck to the original line, "I see snack dragons." Just saying. Also, not even a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would eat a pizza that looks that gross, Kraft.
8. Naomi Watts
Young Naomi Watts, the two-time Academy Award nominee you know from films like Birdman and Mulholland Drive, was once a teenager with a thick Australian accent. Like most of us, the near-perfect actress worried about her skin, her figure, and "that one" problem we don't talk about.
9. Bruce Willis and Sharon Stone
"You sound like a commercial." "You buyin' it?" This is the greatest moment of either of their careers. Just kidding, Sharon Stone has gone on to many other performances that are just as good, if not better.
10. Mila Kunis
So, we guess we can thank Mila Kunis for helping make Lisa Frank such a thing in the 90s. It's hard to believe that the star was only two years away from her breakout role on That '70s Show.
11. Elijah Wood:
We've always had a lot of love for Elijah Wood's facial expressions. From Lord of the Rings to Wilfred, his face is sometimes the only thing that makes his performances entertaining. This commercial might just be his shining moment.
12. Kristen Stewart
We love how sassy Kristen Stewart is in this Porsche commercial -- that head nod and "duh" look on her face, as if she would lie about missing her bus, Dad. But secretly, she's all *Live Fast, Die Hard, Bad Girls, Do It Well* #YOLO. Performance of her career, honestly.
13. Meg Ryan
We would personally rather watch a never-ending loop of Meg Ryan's face appearing over the Burger King logo than watch Sleepless in Seattle.
14. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
How many times have we fantasized about the chance to be at Joseph Gordon Levitt's house with him making us breakfast in the morning? Countless. But we never imagined it could be as adorable and delicious as this 1991 Pop Tarts commercial makes it seem.
15. Tobey Maguire
Yo, Spider-Man is having an uncomfortable amount of fun in the bathroom.
16. Corey Feldman
This adorable McDonalds commercial from 1975 may have been heartwarming back then, but 40 years later, it just reminds us how much The Goonies star hasn't aged since he was 4.
17. Demi Moore
We're not sure if the Ghost star was trying to sell Diet Coke by convincing us we might fall in love, or if she was trying to warn us of the dangers and health problems that could arise from drinking it, but we still like it.
18. Keanu Reeves:
Eating cereal has seriously never looked more fun than it does in this commercial. We would love to eat Kelloggs Corn Flakes with Keanu, Matrix style.
19. Stephen Colbert
This ad seems like a news report, and we can totally see a lot of similarities between this FirsTier Bank commercial and The Colbert Report.
20. Matt LeBlanc
Okay, the best things might come to those who wait, but does the Friends star now have to run back up to the roof, or is he just gonna waste that whole bottle of ketchup just to look cool eating one hot dog? Joey. Doesn't. Waste. Food.
21. Courteney Cox
Fun fact: the Friends star was the first person to ever say "period" (referring to menstruation, not punctuation) on TV. She then broke down more boundaries by starring in terribly-named-but-not-actually-terrible TV shows, like Cougar Town.
22. Elisabeth Moss
Are we the only ones watching this commercial as if we're watching Pegy pitch an ad campaign on Mad Men? We can't be.
23. Sarah Michelle Gellar
This 4-year-old Sarah Michelle Gellar just slayed Burger King's competition faster than you could say "Buffy." Un-be-liev-able!
24. Bryan Cranston
Fans were amazed with how Bryan Cranston transformed from the lovable Hal on Malcolm in the Middle into the meth kingpin Heisenberg on Breaking Bad, but the truly incredible transformation of his career happened way earlier. The way he instantly goes from being a skunk to a human is absolutely astonishing.
25. Aaron Paul
This commercial seems like it could actually just be Breaking Bad's Jesse Pinkman waiting to eat his breakfast before heading off to Chemistry with Mr. White, doesn't it? Aaron Paul's gotta have his Pops, bitch!
26. Megan Mullally and John Goodman
We love Karen Walker enough to be able to recognize that incredible voice anywhere, even if it's some place strange, like a McDonalds commercial. While Karen would certainly never actually sell Egg McMuffins, we're pretty sure that Roseanne star John Goodman totally would.
27. Seth Green
We don't mean to diminish the abilities of our favorite werewolf from Buffy the Vampire Slayer or our favorite dimwitted cartoon son from Family Guy, but this is definitely Seth Green's brightest moment. That hair, the accent. He totally nails the 90s goon role with lines like, "Consequently, we can hit on 'em," and "Definitely - NOT!"
28. Tony Hale
Tony Hale won our hearts playing Buster on Arrested Development (and an Emmy playing Gary on Veep), and this commercial proves that he's made a career out of his hilarious concern regarding women's toiletries. We wonder if Gary's Leviathan on Veep has Herbal Essences.
29. Charlie Day
This quirky commercial for Cascade dishwasher detergent looks like Charlie Day just stepped out of an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Graduating and heading straight into retirement also seems like a total Charlie Kelly scheme, doesn't it?
30. Jane Lynch
Okay, the only thing we love more than Frosted Flakes and Tony the Tiger is this commercial with Glee star Jane Lynch camping out everyday trying to sneak a peak at the elusive mascot himself.

YouTube/The Young Turks
Spent: Looking for Change wants to have an uncomfortable conversation. The new documentary from director Derek Doneen and producer Davis Guggenheim (An Inconvenient Truth, Waiting for Superman) shines a light on the "Underbanked", the 70 million Americans across the country who are not being served by traditional banking institutions, and must turn to check cashing services or pay day loans. Unfortunately, these services often have dire financial consequences. At a press conference for the film, Doneen, Tyler Perry (who narrates Spent), New School Professor Lisa Servon, and Dan Schulman of American Express discussed the challenges facing the "underbanked," the possible solutions to a financial system in grievous disrepair, and how education might the first step in the right direction.
Proper financial management is a skill so few of us have. Many of the issues depicted in the film stem from a lack of knowledge of the financial system.
Tyler Perry: "I think [financial hardships affect] the children of parents who are experiencing this, if they understood how the system works, and how when you’re outside of it it can be very difficult. Because no one taught me credit or check cashing or pay day loans, it was just the norm in the neighborhood. This is what you do. Growing up with us, you didn’t go to the bank, you went to the check cash. You went to the corner, you cash your check with Mr. Johnson down there, he took his money, he gave you yours. So [we need] to have an education to let people know that there is a cost, a very high cost, outside of the system."
Unfortunately, with the stigmas instituted by our capitalistic society, this ignorance often leads to shame.
Lisa Servon: "There’s a lot of shame around money. I talked a little with Alex, Melissa, and Debbie [the subjects of the documentary] before the show. We’re kind of made, societally, to feel like it’s our fault if we don’t have six months of savings, if we can’t make ends meet, if we somehow can’t pay the bills. So I think there’s a lot of inhibition about getting out there and saying that this is a real problem."
More Americans are being affected by the bank system than we realize.
Dan Schulman: "Forty-five percent of Americans who earn between $50,000 and $150,000 spend all or more of their monthly income every single month. So, there’s a huge opportunity here to redefine the system."
Lisa Servon: "I have actually started not liking the term 'unbanked' or 'underbanked' so much, because I think if you are part of the 99 percent, which I am, we’re all underbanked. The fact is, I can absorb a $35 overdraft fee, and people who are living right on the edge can’t. So this is why, I think, Alex and Melissa stopped using the bank. you saw those overdraft fees mounting up. It cost them more to use the bank than to use a check casher. So people are kind of saying, 'I can’t afford to go over.' At least when I go to the check casher, I get my check, I cash it, I look at what my bills are. I figure out who’s least likely to cut me off, so I’ll pay half of my Con Edison bill and three quarters of my phone bill and hopefully it will work out, but I’m not going to overdraft because this is all the money that I have."
Reform in the bank system might be closer than we realize, and one of the first steps is education.
Lisa Servon: "I think we may be at a moment of creative destruction with respect to financial services and that we are on the brink of seeing some really innovative solutions. There’s a tendency for us to just throw up our hands about banks and say, frankly, it’s just not in their business model to serve people they don’t make money on. And yet there is a history of policy and legislation, and one of the things that we can ask legislators who are sending out press releases to do is to hold banks’ feet to the fire."
"We all live in New York City. We’ve all seen the A, B, and C in restaurant windows – I think we should do that for banks and check cashers and credit unions. I don’t know if Chase or Citi Bank is better for me, but I want to know if they’re going to cost me more. Are they aligning with my values? If we could create a scorecard that would allow that to happen, I think banks would be a little more responsive."
Dan Schulman: "One of the things that we’re doing, if you go to Spentmovie.com, is that we’re going to a town in Mississippi called Clarksdale. It’s down on its luck. Fifty percent of the population is underserved. What we’re doing is working with two non-profits. We’re putting in free Wi-Fi into the whole town, and we’re going into the high schools to educate high school students in the economics classes about financial wellness and health. Then, what we’re hoping to have [is] an outside third party monitor, because it really makes a difference, all of this education and technology and people caring about this... I think it is a combination of having technology but also having the understanding of what it means to be financially well."
Spent: Looking For Change is available to stream on Spentmovie.com.
Follow @Hollywood_com
//
Follow @CurrentlyJordan
//

Bravo
Before we get to the juicy details of whether or not Carlton actually cast a spell on Joyce, let’s run through the terrifically boring beginning of this week's The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episode. Lisa and Kyle meet to plan Ken and Maurico’s joint birthday party. Kyle is adamant that they throw a much more elegant party than Carlton just had — no naked women painted in gold!
Brandi’s new book is about to come out, so the episode features a cover shoot, which, of course, is just her in a bright pink dress looking Brandi fabulous. Her awesomely assertive book editor is there directing the shoot — thank the lords above.
Joyce invites Carlton to lunch and — SURPRISE — Carlton says she didn’t cast a spell on Joyce or her family. Or did she? All we heard Carlton say was that she used to practice black magic, she’s back on the white magic, and Joyce better not bring up children and magic again. "Don’t you f**king dare," were Carlton’s words. As if Joyce would ever dare! They agree to start all over — for the 14th time in 14 episodes — and Carlton says she thinks Joyce is actually a nice girl... as opposed to Kyle, who is horrendous.
Yolanda and Kim get ready for their daughters to leave for college. Yolanda convinces Gigi to pack her winter coats because she won’t need them, and Kim convinces her daughter to get a butterfly tattoo, because that’s what Kim wants to be when she dies.
It’s time for the black tie party at Lisa’s. For a split second there was a tinge of jealousy as we saw the sweeping surroundings of Lisa’s beautiful home but than, in walks Brandi and Scheana and we are instantly reminded of the price you pay to have everything you could ever dream of.
The party seems to be going well, no fights until dinnertime. Carlton is getting irritated with Kyle (you can see it on her face), and unless Kyle is playing a really good game, she has no idea. Carlton finally loses it when Kyle brings up her and Lisa’s inside joke about the nipple, which started the whole Carlton-doesn’t-like-Kyle deal in the first place.
Kyle thought everything was over between them, especially after she gave Carlton her necklace on the last episode, but apparently, Carlton has been soaking that necklace in water to remove Kyle’s negative energy from it. Words explode, Carlton says "Don’t you f**king dare" for the second time in one episode. Even after Kyle moves to the other side of the table, Carlton decides to leave. Lisa tries to follow her out and explain that Kyle isn’t truly evil, but Carlton won’t hear it.
Brandi joins team Kyle for the first time in ages, and honestly, we are leaning towards her side also. Quite frankly, when did Lisa become such an instigator?
PROJECTIONS
Brandi’s book editor doesn’t approve the preview — thousands of copies are printed with Brandi holding a toilet plunger and wearing large wire-rimmed glasses.
Carlton inadvertently casts a spell on herself, causing a loss in orange skin tone and an inability to hold onto black eye makeup. She looks stunning as a real human being.
The group starts to see Lisa as the instigator that she’s becoming.
Follow @Hollywood_com
//

Actor Jon Cryer has saved himself $80,000 (£50,000) hike in his child support payments after a Los Angeles judge rejected his ex-wife's petition for extra funds. Sarah Trigger filed the request in October (13), alleging the former couple's 13-year-old son, Charlie Austin, had become a subject of ridicule at school because he could no longer keep up with his wealthy school friends, whose parents take them on "exotic vacations" and throw lavish parties, on the $8,000 (£5,000)-a-month his mum receives from his dad.
She also attempted to justify a bigger cheque by claiming that she now looks after Charlie 50 per cent of the time, instead of the four per cent she had previously spent with her child.
However, a judge dismissed Trigger's arguments in court on Wednesday (29Jan14), insisting there had been no change in circumstances that would require a big boost in child support, reports TMZ.com.
The Two and a Half Men star, who divorced Trigger in 2004, was ordered to give his ex monthly payments of $8,000 in 2011.
Cryer is also a dad to daughter Daisy with Lisa Joyner, his wife of seven years.

Bravo
We start the show at Carlton’s risqué annual pool party. This is the first time she has had a party with the girls and her goal is to impress. Everyone is surprised with the naked girls painted silver and gold, but nobody seems offended. Lisa found the party and the gift bags distasteful, but she didn’t seem angry about it. The only person who actually got angry was Carlton, at Kyle. Carlton was showing off her new tattoo and Kyle’s first reaction was, “Is that the Jewish star?!”
Of course it pissed Carlton off because Kyle never respects her religion, which is Wiccan, in case you weren’t clear. But the girls pulled it together, Carlton noticed a necklace on Kyle and complimented it and than Kyle took it off and handed it right over. Carlton’s opinion of Kyle is momentarily changed.
Kim wasn’t at the party, she was at a convention for celebrities who have fans and can’t explain why. She takes this chance to thank her ‘fans’ for their help in getting and keeping her sober.
Yolanda’s daughter Gigi is preparing to leave for college and Yolanda is sad, she wants Gigi to leave with a positive memory of her life on the West coast. She invites the girls over to make paintings similar to the ones hanging in her kitchen, and at the last minute Lisa calls and cancels. This upsets Yolanda, she thinks that Lisa should have called the night before. It’s hard not to agree with Yolanda here. Even though we love Lisa, and she can usually do no wrong, she did throw a fit earlier this season when Carlton bailed on her dinner party last minute.
Joyce and Carlton arrive to Yolanda’s and they are about to carry the wine upstairs but the girls agree they’re not going to drink. Joyce makes an off-color remark about waiting for Brandi to arrive to bring up the bottle and Carlton immediately jumps in, correcting Joyce and telling her not to judge Brandi. Joyce backed down quickly when she realized neither of the girls were going to laugh behind their best friend's back. Go Carlton!
The girls walk up the stairs to Yolanda’s hill top terrace and when Brandi arrives they start painting. Carlton brings up the question of whether or not Kyle actually likes her, and Joyce tells her to go ahead and ask Kyle- who is missing because she has a guest spot on Days of Our Lives. Carlton brings up spells and Joyce makes the comment that spells only work on those people who believe in them.
Carltons’s reaction: Just wait ‘til you go home Joyce, and we’ll see what happens. And surprisingly enough, the following day we see Joyce tell Kim that her husband got violently ill. Not sick like a normal person would get sick, but sick like something was really wrong with him. Can we say, for the second time, go Carlton!
Projections:
Carlton casts another spell on Joyce - she drinks herself into Brandi’s normal state of consciousness - FINALLY.
Kim marries one of her fans from her convention, he is also sober.
Lisa apologizes to Yolanda and all is right in the world of our two favorite housewives.
Follow @Hollywood_com
//

Jon Cryer's ex-wife has accused the actor of making their son a subject of ridicule at school because his child support payments aren't enough to cover expensive holidays and parties. In 2011, the Two and a Half Men star was ordered to pay $8,000 (£5,000)-a-month to help his ex-wife Sarah Trigger cover the costs of bringing up their 13-year-old son Charlie Austin.
Cryer tried to appeal against the decision, insisting Trigger only looked after their son four per cent of the time. However, she has now filed new papers for the amount to be increased - by a huge $80,000 (£53,333)-a-month.
In documents, Trigger says Charlie is suffering because he can't keep up with his wealthy school friends who enjoy "exotic vacations in the summer and winter like Europe and Thailand".
Trigger also claims the boy's classmates throw lavish parties and Bar Mitzvahs, the likes of which she can't afford to compete with on the amount Cryer gives her.
The documents alleged Trigger needs the child support boost as she now looks after Charlie 50 per cent of the time.
Cryer and his ex divorced in 2004. He married showbiz reporter Lisa Joyner in 2007, and went on to have a daughter, Daisy.

NBCElizabeth Berkley and her partner Val Chmerkovskiy produced arguably the greatest moment in Dancing With The Stars history this week when they recreated the unintentionally hilarious 'caffeine pill breakdown' scene from Saved By The Bell to kick-start their jive routine to The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited." Now that the former Jessie Spano has made it through to the sixth week, here's a look at five other musical moments from the classic teen sitcom that she could also use as inspiration."Go For It!"Also featuring in the classic 'Jessie’s Song' episode, this brilliantly ridiculous set-up saw a spandex-wearing Jessie, Kelly and Lisa throw themselves into an aerobics workout while shooting the video to an insanely catchy slice of Tiffany-esque pop under the guise of Hot Sundae. As the faithful recreation above shows, nothing sums up the early '90s quite like it."Friends Forever"For some reason, Berkley was the only main cast member not to feature in arguably the greatest SBTB episode of all time, the Zack Attack mockumentary. A perfectly-choreographed routine to the cheesefest that is "Friends Forever," therefore, would be the perfect opportunity to make amends."How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?"However, Jessie did appear as a member of Zack Attack in one of season three's earlier episodes when she and Slater provided the musical backdrop to Zack &amp; Kelly's break-up by belting out Michael Bolton's signature power ballad."Make My Day"Just minutes before all the emotional carnage of the above, Jessie also got the chance to take centre stage when dressed as Cleopatra, she fronted the California Dreams prototype, "Make My Day.""Don't Leave With Your Love"Performed by the fictional Bo Revere, "Don't Leave With Your Love" was the song which Zack planted subliminal messages into so that Kelly would go to the school dance with him instead of Slater. Perhaps Berkley could use the same trick on the viewing public to coast to victory.Follow @Hollywood_com
//

In Thursday's "Swing Vote" episode of Parks and Recreation, we learned that the show has officially run out of Parks Dept.-regulated organizations to grapple with. The pit has been taken care of, the parks have been saved, the creek has been cleaned. Heck, even the local video store has already been given a handout by the Pawnee government. So what's left for Leslie (Amy Poehler) to save? The government subsidized miniature golf course, of course!
As Leslie battles to save the only publicly-owned mini golf course I have ever heard of, Andy (Chris Pratt) struggles with disputes within Mouse Rat, and Tom (Aziz Ansari) tries to break up with Mona Lisa — who, apparently, he's still dating.
Way to Be, Duck!
The A-plot of "Swing Vote" includes the aforementioned battle for the mini-golf course. Libertarian extraordinaire Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) has decided to cut the funding for the course in his most recent bout of budget cuts. Leslie — who, despite being a City Councilwoman now, is always in the Parks Dept. — storms into Ron's office to make very clear to him that she will do whatever is in her power to keep the golf course open. Which, frankly, is ridiculous. Aren't miniature golf courses private, for-profit businesses? But I digress...
In order to keep Ron from doing away with the putt-putt, Leslie has to convince Councilman Jamm to vote her way. Let the bribery begin! Leslie and Jamm hit the green (with Chris the Excessively Positive Caddy in tow) for a fun day of snow cones, sunshine, windmills, and giant gorillas. As many times as Leslie said the day was about showing Jamm how much fun the course was, however, it was really about buying him a bunch of s**t so he would support her. Ron, who crashes their date, of course (ha! like, golf course!) sees right through this.
The night ends with Ron and Leslie going head-to-head on nine holes as a very tired Calculus student/snow cone scooper looks on — winner gets Jamm's vote. Ron, being the superior athlete (probably because of his high-protein diet), wins, therein securing Jamm's support and the retraction of the mini golf course's funding.
Or does it? Sneaky, weasly Jamm decides to throw his gentleman's agreement with Ron out the window and approach Leslie to make a better deal. She is aghast. What has she become? Is she just as bad as Jamm? Eager to haul herself out of government's seedy underbelly, Leslie climbs back on her metaphorical high horse and declines Jamm's offer. She then tells Ron that he is her favorite and all is right with the world again. Oh yeah, and she gave him a giant gorilla.
Swan Song
Meanwhile, at some nameless dive bar, Andy, April (Aubrey Plaza), and Ben (Adam Scott) are celebrating Andy's good day at work. But they can't enjoy their $2 beers because Mouse Rat is playing... without Andy. Andy is sad, hurt, angry, and confused — which is a lot of emotions for our loveable goofball to feel at once. It doesn't matter to Andy that his bandmates tried to call and tell him about the gig and he just didn't get the calls because he dropped his cell phone in a bowl of cereal — they could have called him!
So Andy, bidding adieu to music once and for all, sings his swan song. "Once I was a golden swan, swan of a man," he sings. "Now that swan's name was Andy and he made a rock and roll band. He made incredible nachos that everybody claimed they loved ... I'm going to find a place where I can be the beautiful duckling I always was inside. " It was a thing of beauty.
But quitting doesn't come easy to Andy, so his retirement (much like Jerry's) lasts all of one commercial break. Mouse Rat is reunited, and it feels so good.
I Don't Eff with Poorsies
The third plot of this episode involves Tom desperately trying to break up with his girlfriend, Mona Lisa (Jenny Slate). As glad as we are that Tom has realized Mona Lisa is a nut job, we are even more glad that this means we won't be seeing any more of Mona Lisa. Dear God, please let it mean that. As much as I love Jenny Slate — and I love her a good deal — her character is too over the top to be enjoyable.
Follow Abbey On Twitter @AbbeyStone
More:'Parks and Rec' Recap: 'Article Two' and 'Jerry's Retirement''Parks and Rec' Recap: 'Animal Control' 'Parks and Rec' Recap: 'Partridge'

Have you ever been on boat just cruising around like at some party or some other affair and some of the gears just start to make a high-pitched squealing noise? It's this ringing din that is quickly proceeded by smoke, a burning smell, and certain immobility. You know that noise. Well, that is the noise I expect to hear Kernya Moo-ah make whenever her ex-boyfriend Walter is in the same room. And it would probably have the same effect: squeal, smoke, smell, immobility, expolosion.
That was essentially all we had to deal with on last night's episode of Real Whale Watcher of Glouchester Bay, just a bunch of stuff about Kernya. Oh, there was some nonsense about Kandi moving her office (an early plug for The Kandi Factory, coming soon to Bravo?) but you know that I will not cover any sort of moving type activities in these here handy dandy recaps. Speaking of which, I feel like NeNe Leakes' whole thing about going to New York to be on fancy TV shows is kind of like moving. Can we just cut her out from the rest of the season? Nothing she does seems to have any impact on the rest of the cast (other than when she invited them to LA and then kicked them out of her house) so why are we even bothering with the pretense that she's on this show anymore? Maybe NeNe can be like a Real Housewife at large and just pop in and hang out with whatever cast she is around that week. Here is NeNe having lunch at SUR with Lisa Vanderpump and Brandi Glanville and that bitch Stassi is spilling her soup on her. Oh look, now it's NeNe swigging down white wine with Ramona Singer and Sonja Tremont Morgan of the Bilouxi Morgans. Oh look, NeNe and Teresa Gee You Dee Chay are getting in a fight because Teresa is trying to steal some of NeNe's forehead for herself. See how fun this would be? Get on it, Andy Cohen.
Before we can get to Tyler Perry Presents a Kernya Moo-ah Production of Kernya Moo-ah and Her Awful Ex-Boyfriend: All Is Not Lost – Starring Tyler Perry and Gabourey Sidibe as Kernya Moo-ahwe have to talk about Porsha Stewart. Oh, you dim bulb still aglow in the wilderness. Oh you fizzling little nymph, Porsha. This week we were back to arguing about whether not not Porsha's husband Carvell, a Cookie Puss that has come to life, controls her. He tells us, "I am in control, but I am not controlling. I am the man and I am in control but that does not mean I am controlling." OK, sure Carvell. That makes a ton of sense. He says that he is the man of the house and he controls what happens, but that does not mean he controls Portia. I think that is some sort of semantic difference that he has made up in his head and it is not actual real life. I do think he is absolutely in control of this relationship considering he has all the money, smarts, and ingenuity. Porsha has, well, she has a collection of velour sweatpants that say "PINK" across the ass, she has that.
What Porsha really wants though is a baby. She wants to have a baby so that she can lock up that Carvell Stewart money for the rest of her life. That is what she wants more than anything. No, that is cynical. I think she really loves Carvell and wants to have his babies, but I think mostly it's because she's bored and doesn't know what else to do with her life so she is doing what everyone told her she would always do: get married to a rich guy and then have babies. She doesn't have many other aspiraitons. Carvell, however, who is not controlling at all, tells her that she can't have a baby and her "career" because he wants a wife who is going to cook and clean for him and raise his baby and, even though he has tons of money, he is not going to hire a nanny. No, he wants things to be convenient for Carvell and he wants things when he wants them and he wants them they way he wants them. Though that isn't controlling, per se, he is in control. It's not asshole-ish necessarily, but he is being an asshole.
RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Everyone Is Fighting About Strippers
When he tells Porsha she can't have a baby and a "career," she starts to cry. What is wrong with both of them? First of all, Porsha does not like to work. She doesn't like to do anything but shop, look at shiny things, and occasionally eat pickles (but only if she's spent an extra 20 minutes on the elliptical). She doesn't do any work. So why is she getting all upset, and why is Carvell telling her she can't do it? Just let her have a baby and throw a fundraiser or two for her family's charity every now and again. It will make her happy and feel like she has purpose and, yes, you may have to microwave yourself a Swanson Mac 'N' Cheez Bowl every once in awhile, but that should hardly be a price to pay to keep your wife off your back (and on hers, ZING!).
OK, Kernya Moo-ah. Cynthia warned her last week that Peter was throwing some Making Men Healthy, Why the Y Chromosome? party for men's health and that he invited Walter because he and Walter hit it off on the group trip to Anguilla. I think all of this is fair. You can't fault Peter for making friends, and you can't expect Cynthia to intervene in the guest list for her petty grievances. She also gave Kernya plenty of advance notice so that she could act accordingly.
Kernya shows up at the party with Jamal Anderson on her arm. Sure, he might have been arrested for suspicion of cocaine possession and driving under the influence, but he is fine and probably a little rich form his days in the NFL so good for Kernya. She is wearing a long white gown and her hair is done beautifully and she is just killing it. Sure she is a scarecrow set on fire on the inside, but on the outside she is pulled together nice and tight. She says that she is on a date with Jamal, but that it is not a romantic date. So, what kind of date is it? Is it a, "I know you have a girlfriend, but I need a hot rich guy to pretend to be my date to make my ex-boyfriend jealous" kind of date? That's what it seems like to me.
Kernya gets all bent out of shape that Walter is there, and she is convinced that Peter is going to sit her next to Walter becuase she says that is who Peter is. No, it is not. If there is anything we have learned about Peter it is that he tries to avoid drama, so Kernya thinking that was going to happen just proves how narcissistic and paranoid she really is. Also, that is something Kernya would have done, so she just assumes that everyone else would do it to her. She is not sitting next to Walter, she is sitting next to the rest of the crew. See, Kernya. Shut up.
She informs them that she is having a costume party where everyone, including the men, have to show up as iconic black women in film and she, of course, is going to tell the women how they should dress. "OK, Cynthia, I like you and you always wear a huge weave, so you get to be Diana Ross. Phaedra, we're still in a fight, so you have to come dressed as Big Momma from Big Momma's House 2: The Revenge of the Spanx. Kandi, we're on good terms so you can be Tina Turner. NeNe, well, I'm still pissed she wouldn't let us in the house, so she can be Medea. Oh, and Porsha, you can be Halle Berry in B*A*P*S."
RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Hot Messes and Messy Diapers
Yes, this is what happens, so even when she feels she is being wrongly wronged and slightingly slighted, Kernya still has room to tell Porsha that "Halle Berry in B*A*P*S" is how she sees her — as a ghetto con lady in a movie that is appallingly bad.
But the worst problem of all at the Testicals for Vesticals party was the bow ties that all the men, particularly Peter and Apollo, were wearing. Guys, a little fashion tip: bigger is not always better, especially when it comes to bow ties. If the bow is wider than your head, it's a no no. It just means that your head is going to look comically small and you'll come off as some sort of Joker-esque idiot who doesn't know how to dress. No one wants that. Well, maybe you do, but if you do, well, maybe you should be the ones who have to dress as Halle Berry from B*A*P*S.
Walter shows up at another party, and this time it isn't really OK. Well, first Kernya had to go dress shopping with Cynthia and talk all about the first party. Cynthia tells Kernya that Walter was all talking with the guys about how they didn't have sex (in fairness to Walter, they did ask him before he brought it up). Kernya gets upset and then alleges that Walter is gay on the DL and that is why he didn't want to sleep with her. Then she says, "I don't care about Walter at all." Well, for someone who doesn't care about Walter she sure does expend a lot of energy trying to avoid him and talk shit about him. Maybe she should look into what not caring means.
Now it's time for Kandi's housewarming. No, I'm sorry, her houses warming. Yes, Kandi has two freaking houses in one. Her daughter Riley has a room that is so tricked out that it should be on Silver Spoons or one of those awful themed kids rooms from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
Anyway, Walter shows up and no one is quite sure who invited him. Kandi knows she didn't, because she doesn't want to piss off Kernya, so she assumes Todd did. I have a feeling that Walter heard about the party and showed up knowing that he wouldn't be turned away, thinking he could make a scene. So he brings his date Clemicia, who looks like a busted drag queen version of Sheree Whitfield, and he shows up looking like an old Louis Vuitton bag (thanks for that joke Rachel Dodes Wortman) to embarrass Kernya. Now, Walter brings this date and then totally ignores her. He goes around talking to all the guys and the Housewives about her and telling them how hot and young she is but doesn't spend any time actually talking to her.
RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Kenya Moore Does Not Have Cancer
Eventually Kernya shows up and everyone is waiting for the fight to happen, just cynically sitting around Kandi's kitchen waiting for the squeal, smoke, burning smell, and explosion that is going to come out of her head when she sees Walter but, at the last minute, Cynthia pours water on this fire and leads everyone downstairs away from Walter. When they're in the basement next to the pool and the waterfall (yes, that is a real place in Kandi's house and yes, you could smell the dank chlorine smell through the television) Kandi gives Kernya the heads up that Walter is there. Kernya freaks out, asks where the back door is (according to her, she should ask Walter because he's all about the back door) scuttles off into the night like everyone is trying to intentionally harm her.
But they don't really care, none of them. They eat their sliders and drink their drinks and have a little blueberry tart downstairs by the pool and wonder who is going to be the first to totter off her stilettos in the the curacao blue water. Finally Walter hears that Kernya has left and he takes Clemicia out onto the street and climbs into his car. He opens up the glove box and pulls out an envelope that is bulging slightly in the middle. "This is for your troubles. Thanks for coming," he says with his signature wonky grin.
She puts her manicured finger nail into the paper and pulls it open slightly, eyeing to make sure the agreed upon amount is in there. "Looks good," she says. "You sure you don't want to..." and she reaches over and rubs her hand on the inside of his thigh. He doesn't back away but he just says, "Naw. I think I'm all good." He starts the car and drives her around the way where she has parked her car, on the cul de sac where they met before the party. She doesn't say anything on the ride, just wondering how everyone gets their grass so green. Finally they get to the car and she opens the door and lowers herself onto the pavement. Before closing the door she leans in, the car seat just below her tits, propping them up in her tight dress. "I hope it was worth it. I hope she was worth it," Clemicia says. "Whoever she is."
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 25 Stars Before They Were Famous

Welcome to Pawnee, Indiana. We are located 90 miles from Indianapolis and we are the state's seventh-largest city. We are a city of kind citizens, green places, and a deep love and respect for the land. For the care and protection of these public outdoor spaces, we turn to the Parks and Recreation Department, headed by the honorable Ronald Ulysses Swanson. In order to ensure that the parks, pools, and public spaces of Pawnee remain in their tip top condition and able to provide good, clean fun for the citizens of Pawnee and their guests, the Parks and Recreation Department asks you to follow the following pertinent rules and regulations. Please and thank you, rest in peace L'il Sebastian.
Sometimes, a friend in need deserves a bailout in deed. Whether the problem is personal (like wanting your ex-boyfriend to father your child) or professional (is your coworker lazy, or is your friend's business closing?) we all sometimes need a little help to get by from our friends. And we Pawneeans are kind, helpful people, always ready to lend a hand. But when doing so, be sure to follow these 10 guidelines to ensure your friend safely gets the help he or she requires.
10 Rules and Regulations for Bailing Out a Friend
1. Does your friend seem upset? Ask yourself, what can I do to help out? What do I have that they need? Maybe your friend is trying to get pregnant, and just needs a friend to listen. Maybe your friend owns the snobbishly depressing Pawnee VideoDome and will go out of business without your financial help. Maybe your friend wants your sperm. Regardless, the first step is the same: Look deep inside yourself and determine what you can do to make his or her life happier.
RELATED: The Big 'Parks and Rec' Wedding is Perfect
2. Sometimes, your friend will come to you. She will be forthright and forthcoming with her needs. If this is the case, play along! If, say, someone you haven't always particularly liked (because she dated and lived in a romantic way with your husband before he was your husband) asks you to be her friend — even if it is in exchange for something you need in return, like a recommendation for veterinary school in Bloomington — go along with it. You never know, she may be hurting behind her beautiful tropical fish eyes. She may be looking for more than a pedicure partner, something greater than a scary Charlotte to her Carrie.
3. Get a team behind you. Not all problems can be solved tete-a-tete, some require help from a larger group. Take, for instance, the example of Dennis Lerpiss and the closure of his VideoDome. You can't single-handedly fix that one up! To keep that sad little video rental store going you'll have to turn it into a historic landmark and bail it out with government funds. The place is a relic anyway — you can download movies on the Internet now; I'm watching zoolander on my phone right now! — might as well make it official.
4. Prepare for the opposition. Not everyone will think bailing out your friend (and his business) is the right thing to do. Expect resistance from the libertarian with the mustache, but remain strong in your convictions if you think what you are doing is right.
RELATED: 'Parks and Recreation' Recap: Rules And Regulations for Responding to an Emergency
5. Channel your own needs in order to better to help your friend. Perhaps you are yourself struggling with a dilemma. You can't help but wonder, Will you make a good father? Do you want to donate your sperm to a friend? Are you ready for that kind of responsibility? Will raising a kid infringe upon your strict exercise regimen? The best way to work out your issue may be to offer your assistance to someone else.
6. Say yes. After spending time pretending Tom Haverford — who is struggling with his drunk, brash, skanky (Jean-Ralphio's words, not ours) employee — is your son, you may learn something. And that thing may just be that your paralyzing fear of negatively affecting anything is something you can overcome. So go ahead and say yes to your friend. Help yourself by helping her. Now, doesn't that feel nice?
7. Don't be afraid to help yourself. Listen to your helpful friends, think about what they say, and then do what feels right for you. Stand up for yourself, lay down your own law. But at the end of the day, if you want to begin a sexual relationship with your employee, Jean-Ralphio's twin sister Mona Lisa, then do what you need to do.
RELATED: 'Parks and Recreation' Recap: Rules and Regulations for Choosing a Sperm Donor
8. Listen. This is the most important rule, so we'll say it a few more times for good measure — listen, listen, listen! And really listen; like, read between the lines listen. Maybe your (new, sort of pretend) friend seems like she is happy to just sing karaoke in her office — because, let's face it, "Time After Time" really does cure all woes — but if you are really there for her you'll know that what she needs is companionship… and a baby names book with a bow.
9. Know when to stop. Because sometimes — okay, all the times — the libertarian with the mustache is correct, and you need to let your friend fight his own battles. You can always start a government-funded movie night of your own to make up for the new lack of video store in Pawnee, one where you can feel free to show The Sound of Music instead of Paths of Glory.
10. Do not throw rocks at a hornet's nest!
Follow Abbey On Twitter @AbbeyStone
[Photo Credit: Danny Feld/NBC]
You Might Also Like:14 Movies That Are, Surprisingly, Not PornStars Who Have Lost Roles For Being Too Hot (Celebuzz)