The Worst Doctor Who Toys You’ve Ever Seen

• 17th February 2010 • Blog Post by Seb Patrick •

Worse than the five-sided Dapol console? Or the two-armed Dapol Davros? Or the green Dapol K-9? Or the Denys Fisher Cyberman?

Oh yes.

These wonderful little monsters, from ludicrously high-end doll (that’s “doll”, not “toy”) company Tonner, have apparently been in the works for a while, and have met with severe delays. That at least would explain why they’re a good three years out of date with their choice of companion (yes I know Martha’s been in the show as recently as a month and a half ago, but not dressed like that, innit), but that’s far from the only problem with them.

Tonner proudly boast that the Doctor (sorry, my mistake… this is a doll of a character called DOCTOR WHOTM) and Martha “have never looked quite like this before”, and if they’re innocent of nothing else, it’s breaching the trade descriptions act – truly, no-one has ever come up with a likeness of this companion, or this incarnation of the Doctor, so far removed from reality. Torchwood fare slightly better – at least, half of them do, as although one can at least acknowledge the fact that the real John Barrowman looks not entirely unlike a plastic doll, Gwen suffers from the same “generic female head” effect as Martha. And while you may go “ooh” and “aah” at the way the figures wear “real” tailored clothes, it would help if they actually fit.

But the worst thing about these dolls? The thing that makes them far more insulting than all the cheap and malformed (yet ultimately entirely loveable) tat that Dapol used to put out? They retail at prices between one hundred and seventy and two hundred dollars (American-style). So for the cost of just a single Poundstretcher-version-of-Supermarionation David Tennant doll, you could buy eleven and a half of these beauties (of which more in a later post) at RRP. Hell, for just his coat you could pick up three of the buggers. If you’re the sort of person willing to fork out that amount of money for this amount of rubbish, then you’re DOING LIFE WRONG.

Seb Patrick once met Paul McGann, who immediately pretended to be Mark McGann. He writes for Den of Geek, BBC America, Film4 and the official Red Dwarf website, among others. He owns over thirty toy Daleks and wishes the Dapol factory tour was still open.