Clay Aikens Battle With Crisco Ends in Death

“Michael Jackson explained to me where and when it was appropriate to use Crisco, believe you me.”

In today’s bonus update we have one of those factoids that you did not likely know. Namely that in North Carolina’s 2nd Congressional District primary Clay Aiken was running against Crisco. Now, while Crisco might sound an appropriately greasy name for a politician, and furthermore lead to a lot of inappropriate jokes where Mr. Aiken is concerned; we here at Not the Onion like to think we’re above that sort of thing. You won’t hear us lament that this race didn’t take place in Kentucky, or Ohio, or Missouri, because that would just be bad Puerto Rico… errr… PR. You may rest assured that we won’t be larding on the innuendo.

No, we’re here to discuss the real weirdness, that after the exhausting congressional race the Crisco was all used up. He has assumed room-temperature. He’s traveling the lonely highway. He is an ex-Crisco. He apparently slipped and fell down the back stairs. Mr. Aiken, who had been bumming about the indignities of the electoral process and vowing to beat off the Crisco challenge, expressed regret at Crisco’s passing.