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The last few days have been really good, illuminating ones for us. There has been some stress, as FWH has had to start facing the consequences of his DUI. Heís had to go to the DMV for paperwork and to get a photo ID since his temporary license doesnít have a face on it. Heís had to spend hours registering and learning about the mandated classes he has to take. He has the realization of exactly how much TIME this is going to take away from us he needs to go 2 nights a week for 90 days, plus have other single-time commitments that will take hours each. The initial birds are starting to come to roost and there are still more consequences to come, as these are only the DMVs minimum requirements and we still have the suspension to come up as well as the courtís sentencing of their requirements.

So, understandably, itís been a bit stressful for him, and stressful for me in that I am wondering where his head is at since, previously in times of stress, he would turn to his computer, porn, live girly chats, and the strip clubs. Obviously Iím still monitoring, but I canít see the inside of his head.

About a week ago, I asked him if he still thought that the stripper, MA, that he had a several year EA with, truly had an honest connection with him. This is something that has been a big stressor for me since, while he has acknowledged that she was obviously there to make money from him, that he also felt that they had a true connection. He said that while he realized that she was there to make money, he really did feel that there was ďsomethingĒ there between them. That he didnít feel it now, but he thought that it had been there. I told him a bit about the Hustler Hut, which someone gave the link to, and told him about several of the ďchatsĒ that I read about how to hustle the most money from a mark, how to get them to go to a VIP room, how to take them for their last dime and leave them wanting to come back for more, and even how to talk them into hitting the ATM again the same night. That there were entire sites for women to teach them the key phrases, body language, and how to fake interest by asking certain questions and then shutting up and just agreeing with them. He got a bit thoughtful about that and told me that it made sense to him.

So today, as I drove in to work with him (date night tonight so Iíll pick him up from work), I asked him again, what he thought about MA and his connection to him. He told me that he had told his IC yesterday about the conversation that we had had, and that he thought that I was right. There was no connection just a desire from her to get as much cash as she could from a customer that she had marked down as safe, and a fantasy on his part that even though he paid her, that on some deep level, she truly cared. He then told me that he had felt no need to go to any of those places because why pay someone to pretend that they liked and cared about you when you knew what the real thing was? He then apologized for ever thinking that some fake person was special to him. That he knew what true love and caring and nurturing was because he had it at home. That he was so sorry that he had lost sight of that and let himself detach so much that he forgot what was true and honest. And reassured me that he was working as hard as he could to never go there again.

The healing continues. For both of us.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 7998 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

scarredforever♀ 23875Member # 23875

Posted: 8:52 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013

Good to hear.

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

Mark Twain

Me-BS 54
Him-WS 55
Together 35 years

6-5-06 Day of Reckoning

Familiarity breeds contempt.

Posts: 1081 | Registered: May 2009 | From: swfl

OnAnIsland♀ 34319Member # 34319

Posted: 9:36 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013

Good to hear. I am sorry for all the stress of the DUI for you.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Dec 2011

Ladyogilvy♀ 31558Member # 31558

Posted: 12:02 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013

Those DUI classes did far more for my WH than his IC did. They were really good. Try not to think of it as a negative thing. It's not a punishment. It's an opportunity to get a healthier perspective on one's drinking behavior. He sounds ready to be receptive to the program, from what you say about the talk you had and his follow up responses. Progress. Yay. He's lucky to have you.

Me: BW a youthful 51
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 58
Married 21 years
Two sons, 18 & 19 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1585 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California

catlover50♀ 37154Member # 37154

Posted: 11:19 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013

Good for you; sounds as if you really helped him, and you.

I think a lot of us BSs do a lot to work and can offer our WSs insight if they are receptive. Often, in fact, it seems that we are doing more work than they are! Of course, we are trying to make sense of an altered reality while they usually are trying to forget the horror they created.

Well done.

Dday -9/23/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast

Skan♀ 35812Member # 35812

Posted: 11:24 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013

Oh hail yes, he's lucky to have me! And I don't feel One Bit Sorry for him for having to take the classes. I think that it will be a wake-up call for him especially now that I have the entire story. There were several times, including when the police pulled up, that he could have whipped out his phone, called me, and I would have come to get him, but he chose not to and is now facing the consequences. Somehow in the last year, I have become a bit consequence-facing person, ya think?

It's not the drinking that's the problem, IMO. We have been alcohol free since 1 June with no problems and have committed to a year of being so. It's the fact that he just doesn't THINK, that he lets his ADHD distract him and tends to go off on "rabbit trails" from the main path. We've had that conversation more than once. And now he is going to HAVE to be responsible for this entire mess since no one but he can get thru the requirements and the powers that be will not tolerate One Single lateness, absence without notice, etc., without steeply escalating consequences. Insert an evile laugh here.

Anyway, after all of the mini-vent above, the point of the post was that his mind is changing, slowly. There was a big change in the first 6 months, with MC, IC, and having to confront everything that his choices blew up between us. Then the changes started coming slower and more steady. And he's still working out his demons, a year+ out, and having realizations and revelations bit by bit about how his thinking was skewed for example, thinking that a stripper actually had tender feelings for him. But even with the recent stressors of the arrest, etc., he has kept to the straight and narrow path of coming to me vice looking for outside validation. And that's a good thing. Frankly, this DUI may be a good thing. It's easy to get cocky and let humility slide, and this may be a big wakeup call for him about that. Actually for both of us.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.