unreliable father

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unreliable father

ste32wpk

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Posted on 15-05-2011 at 3.27PM

wasn't sure where to post this as i'm new to this website... I am having ongoing problems with my daughters father. My daughter will be coming up 2 in the next few months but her father and i split before she was born. He has never been one for keeping promises. For 2 years i have put up with him claiming he will show and then not, turning his phone off at times just so i can't get in touch with him... i have give him so many chances and my daughter, i am sorry to say, doesn't even know him and i would feel pretty guilty sending my daughter off with what she thinks is a complete stranger. I am not sure what to do anymore as everytime he comes up with excuse after excuse and i feel obliged to forgive and forget as he is her dad but this is becoming unfair i want the father of my daughter to make an effort for her as she deserves nothing more. I have come to realise however that he is never going to change his ways and i would much prefer it if he had no contact at all as i think it would be best for madisyn as i have also found out he is using cannibas on a very regular basis and was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to prove my point to someone that may be able to help me with this... thanks ..

wasn't sure where to post this as i'm new to this website... I am having ongoing problems with my daughters father. My daughter will be coming up 2 in the next few months but her father and i split before she was born. He has never been one for keeping promises. For 2 years i have put up with him claiming he will show and then not, turning his phone off at times just so i can't get in touch with him... i have give him so many chances and my daughter, i am sorry to say, doesn't even know him and i would feel pretty guilty sending my daughter off with what she thinks is a complete stranger. I am not sure what to do anymore as everytime he comes up with excuse after excuse and i feel obliged to forgive and forget as he is her dad but this is becoming unfair i want the father of my daughter to make an effort for her as she deserves nothing more. I have come to realise however that he is never going to change his ways and i would much prefer it if he had no contact at all as i think it would be best for madisyn as i have also found out he is using cannibas on a very regular basis and was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to prove my point to someone that may be able to help me with this... thanks ..

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Posted on 15-05-2011 at 3.40PM

I have had the same issues.. not so much with cannabis and no contact.. but splitting prior to birth and absolute unreliability since. he didnt even keep to court orders he applied for.
As your daughter gets older it will have more impact i expect as its the expecting dad, and dad not turning up thats the harmful thing.
You will have to do whats best for you and your daughter. tell him to formalise arrangements and potentially lose contact if he doesnt improve or lie with it and be glad he has some sort of contact..
It's never the same decision for everyone and it isn't easy to manage... good luck x

I have had the same issues.. not so much with cannabis and no contact.. but splitting prior to birth and absolute unreliability since. he didnt even keep to court orders he applied for.

As your daughter gets older it will have more impact i expect as its the expecting dad, and dad not turning up thats the harmful thing.

You will have to do whats best for you and your daughter. tell him to formalise arrangements and potentially lose contact if he doesnt improve or lie with it and be glad he has some sort of contact..

It's never the same decision for everyone and it isn't easy to manage... good luck x

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Jac90sme

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Posted on 15-05-2011 at 3.41PM

didnt want to read and run. umm, not sure how i'd handle it, well done for what you've done so far and trying to maintin a relationship between her and father. ultimately your daughter is your main priority and you want to keep her as safe as possible. I would let him know that he has one more chance and then you will take steps towards making sure he has no accessetc. keep a diary of plans and when he cancelsnot sure where i'd go... citizen's advice? social services?

didnt want to read and run. umm, not sure how i'd handle it, well done for what you've done so far and trying to maintin a relationship between her and father. ultimately your daughter is your main priority and you want to keep her as safe as possible. I would let him know that he has one more chance and then you will take steps towards making sure he has no accessetc. keep a diary of plans and when he cancelsnot sure where i'd go... citizen's advice? social services?

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Cha08cjk

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Posted on 15-05-2011 at 4.03PM

Hi
i totally understand your concerns but i would like to share my experience in almost the exact sitution but almost 9yyrs ago.
I chose to split with my daughters father when she was 6wks old,due to his cannabis smoking and mental abuse,sadly it took for me to become a parent to realise how distructive this was. It wasnt an easy choice.
Her father insisted on having daily contact which quickly became weekly for 1hr and even then he would cancel last minute. My daughter didnt know who he was and became distressed around him,i decided that i wouldnt make it easy for him so said he should commit to a time/days,knowing that actually he wouldnt bother and i was right by the time my daughter was 10mths old he had nothing to do with her. His choice. The reason i decided to set days and times was because i knew he would get bored and if he was to dissapear from her life i wanted it sooner rather than later so my daughter wouldnt have the memories of 'waiting for daddy'.
Over the years we have spoken about him and i have pictures that we look at and i tell her all the nice things. She is almost 9 now and we have just started counselling.
No matter what people say,little girls esp,need their daddies. I am now dealing with the guilt that i should have tried harder for him to see her daddy.
She really gets upset about not knowing him and seeing all her friends with their daddies doing fun things. Even tho i tell her that its not always how it seems and everyone has different 'set ups' she still feels a huge loss.
I think it all began to surface around 5yrs old when she started school when she began to see the other daddies and realised she was 'different'
I know its not an easy thing to deal with but my advice for your daughters future would be to really try so you can tell her that much atleast.
I work hard and we have a nice house with supportive family and friends but she will always feel that she is missing out.
I wish you all the best and i know its hard to be strong x

Hii totally understand your concerns but i would like to share my experience in almost the exact sitution but almost 9yyrs ago.I chose to split with my daughters father when she was 6wks old,due to his cannabis smoking and mental abuse,sadly it took for me to become a parent to realise how distructive this was. It wasnt an easy choice.Her father insisted on having daily contact which quickly became weekly for 1hr and even then he would cancel last minute. My daughter didnt know who he was and became distressed around him,i decided that i wouldnt make it easy for him so said he should commit to a time/days,knowing that actually he wouldnt bother and i was right by the time my daughter was 10mths old he had nothing to do with her. His choice. The reason i decided to set days and times was because i knew he would get bored and if he was to dissapear from her life i wanted it sooner rather than later so my daughter wouldnt have the memories of 'waiting for daddy'.Over the years we have spoken about him and i have pictures that we look at and i tell her all the nice things. She is almost 9 now and we have just started counselling. No matter what people say,little girls esp,need their daddies. I am now dealing with the guilt that i should have tried harder for him to see her daddy.She really gets upset about not knowing him and seeing all her friends with their daddies doing fun things. Even tho i tell her that its not always how it seems and everyone has different 'set ups' she still feels a huge loss.I think it all began to surface around 5yrs old when she started school when she began to see the other daddies and realised she was 'different'I know its not an easy thing to deal with but my advice for your daughters future would be to really try so you can tell her that much atleast.I work hard and we have a nice house with supportive family and friends but she will always feel that she is missing out.I wish you all the best and i know its hard to be strong x

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ste32wpk

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Posted on 15-05-2011 at 4.31PM

thank you for the advice and that actually helps quite alot because that is one of my main concerns in regard to the situation. I totally believe that my daughter should always have contact with her dad and i don't think that will ever change I remeber as achild waiting for my dad to come and how much it hurt when he never and i really don't want that for my daughter i really have tried everything we even tried going through mediation and not even that did anything its exhausting me and all my family and friends now think i am letting him walk all over me. I have a current boyfriend who is a father figure to my dauighter whom she loves to pieces and he loves her equally as much i know this will never be her real dad i don't want her to grow up and blame me and be upset that her daddys never there but i don't want the fact that he is unreliable to destroy her either. i actually genuinely believe he prefers to put himself first even the little things such as maybe buying her a birthday present never happened infact i don't remember not one time he has ever bought her anything or gave me money to spend on her just not sure how much more &#034;trying&#034; i can take x

thank you for the advice and that actually helps quite alot because that is one of my main concerns in regard to the situation. I totally believe that my daughter should always have contact with her dad and i don't think that will ever change I remeber as achild waiting for my dad to come and how much it hurt when he never and i really don't want that for my daughter i really have tried everything we even tried going through mediation and not even that did anything its exhausting me and all my family and friends now think i am letting him walk all over me. I have a current boyfriend who is a father figure to my dauighter whom she loves to pieces and he loves her equally as much i know this will never be her real dad i don't want her to grow up and blame me and be upset that her daddys never there but i don't want the fact that he is unreliable to destroy her either. i actually genuinely believe he prefers to put himself first even the little things such as maybe buying her a birthday present never happened infact i don't remember not one time he has ever bought her anything or gave me money to spend on her just not sure how much more "trying" i can take x