Thank you for joining me today for your Uber ride. As you have noticed, I am a cucumber. There is no cause for alarm. Despite my appearance I am an experienced and licensed driver with a spotless, twice-washed, unbruised, driving record and I am here to make your trip with me as refreshing as possible.

You will be in safe hands for the duration of your trip. I vigilantly observe all traffic laws and attempt to provide a crisp, clean and cool experience to you, my valued customer. While in my personal driving I typically adopt a looser and more laid back attitude to the road (and life in general), I will keep my eyes forward, my sunglasses on, and my hands at ten and two for your safety.

If at any time you would like me to change the music feel free to make a request. If not, please enjoy the sounds of my Kool Jazz Trio, The Cuke-A-Doodle-Dos. That’s me on Spanish guitar. We play live every Wednesday at the Fresh Veg Lounge and Speakeasy where you can also get half-priced gin and tonics all night with the password “Chews Smooth Larry.” We’d love to have you there! Yes, “Chews Smooth Larry” is my stage name but, I’d prefer to keep our relationship for this Uber ride professional and that you just called me Larry. I have CDs available for sale at the end of your trip, if you’re interested.

I do apologize for any inconvenience regarding the temperature of the vehicle but I am required, medically, to be stored in a cool, dry, environment so unfortunately, the A/C cannot be turned down.

Please enjoy the complementary water, located in the seat back pocket. I filter the water myself according to an old family technique. My family has been used in the business of water filtration going back generations. But, I always refused to be sandwiched by that safe, tea-party lifestyle, so my brother handles the business now. My calling, as I hope to demonstrate to you, lies in participating and providing excellent service in the sharing economy as well as trying to capture the endless sensuality of my lovely vixen, the Spanish Jazz Guitar.

Also, please pay no mind to the cigarette dangling from my mouth. It is not lit and I have no intention of lighting it. This cigarette is for me a small talisman that reminds me that I am not just another fleshy body wrapped in a waxy exterior, arranged according to physical desirability to entice purchase. All the while slowly getting squishier and squishier before finally seeing the Great Lid open for me and experiencing the long tumble into that bright white, plastic, ForceFlex, Odor Shield heaven.

Now, sit back, chillax, and enjoy your Uber ride with me. If you feel you have received 5 star service please rate me in the app. Me and some of my colleagues are participating in a little “Green Sees Green” bet where the highest rated cucumber Uber driver at the end of the month will receive a free spa day. I love a massage. It brings out my true flavor and really makes me sing.

Thank you again for choosing to Uber with me! Please do not remove this card from the vehicle.

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!