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Rock music is a lot like fishing. When you are trying to lure in your near robotic prey, without the interruption of you catching them, they would swim endlessly in a soup of their own feces and stray bits of food lest you provide a sexy lure to win them over to Team Dinner. Some of these fishermen just happen to be cursed with lousy tackle such as Robert Zimmerman and Barry Alan Pincus and are forced to adopt the tail feather of Dylan and Manilow. Some like Cher and Prince, dispense with the caboose altogether, cutting in line on the Golden Path to single name immortality reserved for the likes of Jesus and Gargamel. Morrissey is an odd one, in that he chose to just be identified by the name emblazoned on his football jersey. Hip Hop and reggae stars regularly and successfully make themselves larger than life with outlandish identities. These masks are understandable. One needs to attract prey or you starve. But nowadays, we live in a time of plenty, where people need not utilize such tactics to bring attention. Instead, they hide behind these ostrich feather names hoping to keep the avalanche of fish from swimming in their part of the ocean.

There are many who could fall in this list, but here are ten that cover the bases:

"Sid Vicious" (AKA John Beverley or Simon Ritchie, no one is
really sure) - This one was a borderline choice, since he was somewhat
of a cartoon character, a husk of a person to wear the suit of a name. The
reason he makes the list is that the irony became lost on the movement of
supposed DIy-ers that were the sucker of the marketing ploy that was the
Sex Pistols. Not that they don't have their actual importance in the progression/regression
of music, but the persistence of the "Sid Lives" sloganeering underlying
the top floating level of punk shows some folks never get the feeling that
they've been cheated.

"Sebastian Bach" (AKA Sebastian Bierk) - Poor guy.
I mean, it is close to his name, and if it wasn't for that famous lineage
of actual musicians that bore the name so many years before, it would be a
legitimate swap. And 80's metal had its share of bad names like Nikki Sixx
et al, but those fit in with the wagging tongues in the cheeks of that music.
Calling yourself Sebatian Bach is on par with writing under the name "Willy
Shakespeare" It
should have been apparent from the start that one's story is not going to
end well.

"E" AKA "the eels" (AKA Mark Oliver Everett) -
I actually think this is one of the worst on this list. When I saw his album
"A Man Called [E]" surface in the racks at my college radio station,
I felt the pure obnoxiousness of calling yourself "E" was crossing the
line. Some 10+ years later I heard the eels' (just as bad, all lowercase)
"Electro-Shock Blues" I was won over to his excellent breed of downer
pop, but the terrible name still sticks in my craw.

"Elvis Costello" (AKA Declan McManus) - The rock giant
I love to hate. I used to be a big fan, would wax poetic about him as I
do the people I do now, but somewhere along the line I looked at him and thought,
aren't you, um, a little old to still be "Elvis Costello" - a nom de
Roque that probably held its conceptual water back when it was hatched
back on the Mayflower, but is really just corny as fuck now. Especially now,
when you are trying to become an Interpreter of Song, writing chamber music
and whatnot. Plus, Declan is actually a pretty good name.

"Songs:Ohia" (AKA Jason Molina) - This favorite of
mine has the special pretension distinction of utilizing a colon in his name.
It's
a particularly postmodern thing to do to have a name for your project,
as if it is crucial to keep oneself out of the cauldron in which one mixes
their brew. Especially when Songs:Ohia creates such personal heartfelt music.
Mitigating factor: he appears to have dispensed with it.

"Bonnie 'Prince' Billy" (AKA Will Oldham) - My hero
makes this list because he has many times forced me to explain who he is
when someone asks "Who's your favorite?" and I am doomed to detail the
various clumsy names he's operated under (Palace Brothers (a name I really
like actually) Palace Music, Palace Songs, Palace and then the goofy Bonnie
one) Having all those names sends up a red flag for not-worth-your time, much
like if you were on a first date with someone, and they were delivered a court
summons at dinner. But really, he really is good despite the air-quotes.

"Six Organs of Admittance" (aka Ben Chasny) - Another
great musician who makes me feel stupid explaining that its just one guy
and his expertly played guitar. "Six Organs" is a great backing band
name like "Ben Chasny and The Six Organs of Admittance" ) but unto itself,
it sounds like a hapless high school goth band.

"Sting" (AKA Gordon Sumner) - Talk about too old to
be playing superhero. I mean, it really wasn't a very good name way back when
he was cool (and he was once upon a time, cool), but now he has become
the new Barabara Streisand, its time to let it go. It just looks silly on
you, like that skirt he wore at the Grammies last year.

"Bono" and "The Edge" (AKA Paul Hewson and David Evans,
respectively) - These two are the hands down winners. What more
warning fable do you need for carefully picking your name than being a
multi-millionaire rock star and megalomaniac force for cultural and political
change, and still be saddle with a ridiculous name like "Bono?" I mean,
didn't you notice
Jimmy Carter and Desmond Tutu snickering at you at all those state dinners?
They are thinking "At least that Bob Geldof guy had a real name." And
"The Edge," that is a truly unfortunate choice. Do people actually refer
to him as The Edge? "I got a triple grande hazelnut latte for 'The Edge' on
the bar!" calls the innocent barista. "The Edge, your mother is on the phone!" hollers
his wife from the kitchen. "Well, The Edge, that's all I need, I'll
get that paperwork started" says his loan officer. Fellas, for real now,
let it go.

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