Amid recent self-propagated rumours that she wants to make babies with gay author Christos Tsiolkas, dead poet Robert Burns, gay and dead playwright Oscar Wilde and/or comedian Arj Barker, Michaelie Clark took time out of her busy schedule of playing online Scrabble and dabbling with the notion of creating handicrafts to talk to Michaelie Clark about her life and times.

Michaelie Clark in costume as Miranda Kerr in costume (www.modelinia.com)

Q: How would you describe yourself in one hashtag?

A: If I didn’t completely disdain hashtags, I would probably use one to describe myself as ever-so-slightly contrary in a ‘fun’ and ‘cute’ and ‘sexy’ way. I won’t use hashtags until or unless they become the only form of written and oral communication, and even then I may cut out my tongue and cut off my arms and fall back on nodding and eye-rolling to conduct conversations and to order glasses of sauvignon blanc which I will then spill and dribble everywhere.

Q: Don’t you already eye-roll and dribble all the time?

A: #fuckyou

Q: What’s your opinion of time-travel?

A: I’m glad you asked that question. I think it definitely needs to be made more accessible to the general public. At the moment we’ve got Tony Abbott popping back to Victorian England every other week (using my hard-earned taxes, no less) and we’ve got the likes of Kim Jong-un and One Direction flitting in from the future to depress us all, and then there are those like you, who aren’t rich or famous or powerful or well-shod, who get lost in the system and can’t even get a day-trip to Scotland circa 1705 to see kilted men tossing cabers (or whatever). It’s a time-travel travesty.

Q: Do you like animals?

A: Yes, I adore them! As long as I don’t have to touch them. I have a soft spot for Hedwig and the horse that fell down the hill in The Man from Snowy River. I’ve shed tears for them both.

Q: If you could host a dinner for any four people in the world, who would you invite?

A: That question is hackneyed old tripe. Also, I don’t host dinners, even imaginary ones. And if I did, I’d invite you and serve you hackneyed old tripe.

Q: Do you believe in marriage equality in Australia?

A: I don’t believe in things I haven’t seen with my own eyes, so no, I don’t believe in marriage equality, or wicked gnomes, or cheques for a million dollars with my name on them. I do, however, support the future existence of all of the above.

Q: Can you play a musical instrument?

A: Blowing my own trumpet would sound atrocious, but I do have to say that I am possibly the fiercest player of the tambourine ever put on this earth. I give myself bruises, and sometimes give them to other people as well. I like to play the tambourine to John Paul Young and Salt ‘n’ Pepa.

Q: Do you prefer milk or white chocolate?

A: No comment.

Q: What things do you least enjoy in life?

A: Poor film adaptations, disappointing apples, sexism, uncomfortable socks, racism, all of the children in the Karicare Toddler Gold ads, navigating from memory, inappropriate palm trees, moths and infomercial actors.