Drink Coffee, Live Forever (Or At Least Reduce The...

One thing that I know to be unquestionably true about myself is that I’m going to live forever. I’m not sure how exactly but I know I’m never going to die, EVER, and that coffee is somehow is going to be some or all of the snake oil giving me life eternal. Turns out I may not be too far off, as a new study seems to show a link between coffee consumption and decreased risk of early death.

A recent Telegraph article details the findings of an extensive Spanish study that involved 20,000 participants and took place over 10 years. According to the article, the participants were “between 25 and 60, with a median starting age of 37,” and were tracked for an average of 10 years, with some being followed up to 14 years. During the observation years, a total of 337 participants died, roughly 1 in 60.

When studying the coffee consumption habits of the group, the researchers found that drinking two cups of coffee a day was associated with a 22% decrease in mortality rate and four cups daily had an astounding 64% decrease. The study found this trend to strongest amongst older participants.

The article notes that the study was purely observational, with Associate Medical Director at the British Heart Foundation Professor Metin Aykiram stating that the study, “study suggests there may be an association between drinking coffee and living longer, but it doesn’t prove a causal link or explain how coffee might be having this effect.” Even still, the Telegraph goes on to say that the findings are consistent with other research on coffee and longevity, so while the exact inner workings of coffee’s efficacy remain unknown, all signs point to its consumption being beneficial to health and longevity.

Now, I’m not scientist or mathematician, but if four cups equates to a 64% decrease in death, then it stands to reason that drinking eight cups a day would have a 128% decrease in chances of dying, which means if I drink eight cups a day, which I do, I won’t ever die. Turns out the Fountain of Youth is the 10-cup Chemex sitting on my kitchen counter. Lo siento, Ponce de León.