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7 Deadly Sins (starring Alec Baldwin and David Hasselhoff)

Many years ago, the seven deadly sins were identified as wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. As you can see, it’s time they were revised. To prevent any misunderstanding, each of the following points is illustrated by a picture of David Hasselhoff or Alec Baldwin.

Some sins can stay in place. They were awful hundreds of years ago, and they are still awful.

Deadly Sins that will go on being deadly

Ongoing sin #1: Wrath. Wrathful people are a drag. Even if they aren’t violent, it’s no fun to be around someone who pouts, yells, and throws temper tantrums.

Wrath

Ongoing sin #2: Envy. Envious people also suck. Why can’t they be happy for their friends and family when something good happens to them? Why does it have to be all about them?

Envy

Ongoing sin #3: Gluttony. Gluttony can only lead to undesirable things like alcoholism, weight gain, and being featured on Hoarders.

Gluttony

I have to take issue with some of the other sins. They are far from deadly and you can even make an argument that they could be considered virtues.

Sins No Longer Considered Deadly

Former Sin #1: Greed. Are you greedy because you want enough money to pay your bills and enjoy yourself? How is that wrong? Where is the line between greed and ambition? Should you want to be poor?

Greed (The Hoff is taking the last beer.)

Former Sin #2: Sloth. What is so bad about sloth, for heaven’s sake? Are you really hurting anybody by just laying around and not accomplishing anything? Are you even hurting yourself? And how do you discern between sloth and contentment?

Sloth

Former Sin #3: Lust. Humans are built to lust, if for no other reason than to make sure we procreate and extend the human race.

Lust (or animal cruelty)

There was one sin I initially thought of removing, but decided it could stay, with some revisions.

Updated Deadly Sin

Updated Sin: Pretentiousness (replaces Pride). Pride should not be a deadly sin. Taking pride in yourself, your work, your appearance, the way you carry yourself… these things are all virtues! However, if we tweak this sin to be pretentiousness, then I could totally agree.

Pretentious

Once we remove greed, sloth, and lust, we’re down to four deadly sins, which just doesn’t have the same ring to it. So I’ve added three new deadly sins, which was no small task. There were many runners-up; some notables include driving below the speed limit, people who say “yous” (you plural), and anything Nickelback-related.

Brand New Deadly Sins

New sin #1: Cruelty. No explanation needed.

Cruelty(This works on two levels. The gun’s bad enough, but the chest hair is over the top.)

New sin #2: Political Correctness. Political correctness is the first cousin of pathological lying. Humanity has spent thousands of years creating language and perfecting our ability to express ourselves through words, tone, and inflection. What is the point of all that, if we now need to disguise everything we mean with bland terms? Why should people not say what they mean? Why should we encourage and reward dishonesty amongst ourselves? (Didn’t everyone like Alec Baldwin a little bit better after he just came right out and called his daughter a little pig? You know that’s what he’d been thinking all along.)

Political Correctness(I guarantee you this isn’t what he’s really thinking.)

New sin #3: Cowardice. This is the worst sin of all, because it spreads misery to everything it touches. Nobody respects a coward. And in its own way, it’s worse than even cruelty, because you’re forever letting someone down. Just look at what it’s doing to the Hoff.