Monday, July 10, 2006

(9:35 PM) | Anthony Paul Smith:

On Insane Desire: Or, On Being Fucked.

I desperately want to go to graduate school. I've run into a significant bump that may prevent this from happening. Namely, the only school that accepted me with any money is in the UK. It is the only school that wanted anything to do with me on a level that mattered. To attend and have a life worth living I've had to jump a few hurtles. Buy a plane ticket. Fill out form upon form. I have a VISA application waiting to be finished as soon as I have other paperwork that proves I have adequate funds to support myself.

Ah, but that's the problem. I don't. I have been turned down for a private loan of $4705 that I need in order to support myself in the UK. I've never been turned down for a private education loan and now I've been turned down twice with a third perhaps on the way. I have no idea what to do if I'm turned down for this loan. My only other option is to try a Graduate PLUS loan, but I'm not sure I meet the eligibility requirements for these. Does a late payment count as a default on a student loan? Will I have enough time to get my VISA if I wait for the PLUS loan?

The problem then becomes - what now? I've already poured a ton of money into getting to the UK. That would be a loss, but not one I couldn't bounce back from. I'm obviously willing to work to get out of debt and I know from looking around that a life of boredom, aside from the occasional bender, isn't exactly odd in this life. That's not the question for me. I have known what I wanted my life to be like for a very long time. Since my last year of high school, when I feel in love with reading again and began the affair with ideas, I've known that I wanted to study. To be an intellectual. To do the work required to have a Ph.D. and not simply for the sake of having it, but for the sake of doing that work with others who wanted to do that work. I've come to see that not everyone in graduate programs cares for academia. I'm not saying they should love it absolutely, but some of these people seem to despite their place in the world despite advantages ranging from full funding to course work I'd die to take. Frankly, I feel resentment towards these people. Spiteful even. To get where they are I will have to work twice as hard, with less time to devote to study, and less opportunity in the future. Fuck - I may never even get a job after this insane venture. They, well, they seem to resent the jobs they can get.

And of course I realize it's insane and of course I realize that the intelligent thing to do would be to go into some kind business venture. Get a job in the financial sector and make some money. But that isn't my desire and for that I'm being fucked. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not good enough or just a bad throw of the dice, but I'm scared as hell right now and I don't know what to do about it.