Relax, the Giants will be fine. Sit back and learn a few things

Published 4:00 am, Wednesday, April 11, 2007

You'd think I couldn't even watch. Based on what we've seen from the Giants so far, you'd think I'd have started a "Brian Sabean Fired Pool."

You'd think I would be ripping this slow, old, pathetic, losing team which some have already tabbed the worst in baseball not based in Washington, D.C.

I've received thousands (OK, dozens) of e-mails begging me to shred the Giants, to float this bloated corpse toward the McCovey statue and sink the damn thing.

"It was over Opening Day," said Bob from Lodi.

"Fool, this is seriously the least hope I've had since they got out of Candlestick," Stacy from South City e-mailed.

"Are they kidding with this lineup?" asked James from Pinole.

I am here to calm all fears. This is no time to panic, as Barry "90818" Zito calmly says.

This is a time to sing love songs around an orange-black campfire, give silly ol' Lou Seal a hug and visit the Build-a-Bear stand. Today's special: the "Triple M" bear, a Mays-McCovey-Mojo bear.

The Giants could still end up in the World Series. Seriously. It could happen. It's not only a long season, it's a stupid-long season. Have no fear -- Matty Morris is here!

What's great is we've already learned a few things about our sturdy men in orange in black, also known as Big Head Bruce and the Monsters.

So let's put on a happy face and find some diamonds in this rough start.

* We've learned that, more than ever, Barry Bonds is committed to career stats. The man wants 3,000 hits to honor Willie Mays. I'm pretty sure Bonds thinks if he plays long enough, the steroids/federal probe memories will fade and he'll finally be accepted by an adoring nation.

Bonds will be 44 next year, should he stick around and play. The only 44 I ever want to associate with the Giants is Willie Lee McCovey.

* We've learned Matty Morris may indeed be the team's ace now that he's healthy. This brings up the question: So the Giants were six or seven good starts away from the pennant last season and Morris was allowed to pitch with a cracked rib, even though he was clearly awful because of said rib?

Of course, half the crowd will be corporate yahoos, MLB suckups and advertising snakes, so maybe no one will notice.

* We've learned that the Giants-Dodgers connections are getting more one-sided than ever. Last week, I lamented the fact that the Giants get used-up Dodgers (Dave Roberts, .179) but give L.A. fresher-smelling meat. I did not mention Brett Tomko because I figured the easily-crushed, mentally-weak hurler was mostly done.

Tomko allowed one hit in six shutout innings as the Dodgers beat a hot Colorado team 2-1 on Tuesday for L.A.'s fifth win in six games. I still don't expect Tomko to go 14-5, but it's annoying. Jason Schmidt may get 15 wins, if he isn't hurt as badly as many Giants are hoping he's hurt.

* We've also learned that Ned Colletti called Brian Sabean recently, laughed for two straight minutes, then hung up.

* We've learned that when I rip an organization (Arizona Diamondbacks) for changing its colors, the team immediately shows it could be one of the best in baseball and that it got to this point by developing young talent and that it will likely be ahead of the Giants for the better part of the next five seasons.

* We've learned that a chirpy between-innings reporter can become incredibly annoying if the team makes them pitch in-park products all night: "And now, 45 seconds of your life you'll never get back as we hype the Crazy Crab Sandwich, only $27.95!"

I suggest reporting on the activities of players or asking fans questions like this: "So Larry from Los Altos, your season tickets went up 50 percent this year, you have no place to park, the team is averaging 1.6 runs a game and there are almost no hitting prospects in the pipeline. You gotta be happy, right?"

* We've learned that dead sardines in a can have more room than some of the public transportation vehicles rambling to and from Mays Stadium this years.

* Speaking of dead, Sports Illustrated might get a prediction right. S.I. picked the Giants dead last in the N.L. West. This would dovetail nicely with the Chargers' "Dead Man Play" and the Ohio State Suckeyes' corpse-like performance (Greg Oden excepted) in national title games.

What a year. What a world. What a life.

Question of the Week was:
Who is (or was) the biggest whiner in sports? (Ricky Barry's a given).

Question of the Week responses:

* Armando Benitez. I love the duh! look on his face as he jerks his head back to watch another of his pitches fly out of the park. Then he gives wonderful excuses after the game about why the hitter shouldn't have parked his 88 mph down the middle fastball. -- Paul G.

* 1) Alex Popov. 2) Tightwad Hill fans who are complaining about the upgrade of Memorial Stadium. 3) John "they ruined my final college football game" Elway. -- Brian C.

P.S. -- Kudos for calling out the bleacher fans in Oakland. As a lifelong A's fan I hate the self-importance of those losers. Last season I attempted to do season tickets in the bleachers (a 20 game mini-season ticket package mind you), and by June I was cashing in my tickets and upgrading to better seats.

Question of the Week: What do the Raiders and Niners need in the draft to become winners in the near future? Make draft picks, create draft-day trades, whatever it takes.

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