The term "Super Fan" is putting it mildly. There is not a SINGLE episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette that I have NOT seen.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

So... Cheers... Ya Know?

This post is dedicated to Patrick
Elizabeth Shea. His middle name is 100% NOT “Elizabeth,” but somehow I needed
to put it in there. His girlfriend Katie is dedicated to the show. Patrick is
very dedicated to his girlfriend. In support of her interests, he reads my
commentary in lieu of watching the show. You can never be too attentive,
Patrick.

Unless you're THIS guy...
I refuse to dignify his presence with commentary...

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no
doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject
yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to
Grace’s commentary.

Observations:

- So we missed the intro to all the guys because the show was only an hour and a half, last night, but we got PLENTY of Andi footage… We still have ZERO clue as to what her job is. Educated guesses from our living room peanut gallery last night included but were not limited to:

oPhotographer of graffiti

oWear-er of excessively thick blue coats

oPerformer to an empty courtroom (but seriously,
that courtroom was EMPTY. My money’s on Bachelorette Intern Jacob pulling that
Coutroom Closed Caption Typist off the STREETS.)

STILL wasn't as good as this chick...

- Andi arrives at the Bachelor/ette mansion in a regular car. Thank goodness we’re done with that stupid Cinderella-Dez-Car gig. (But you know that with which we’re NOT done? DEZ DOING SUAVE COMMERCIALS. I mean… really? Did anyone else see that?)

- Living Room Peanut Gallery (LRPG) voiced unified relief that Andi chose the second dress to wear for the night. (What kind of sister lets her sibling wear that first one? Answer: a jealous one. I’m JUST saying.)

Memorable Quotes:
- Ah, this is clearly NOT Amateur Hour with Andi, as we hear her say that “Part of the way you find love is kissing.” The LRPG conjured up the image of Andi standing in front of a line of 25 men, going down and giving them a peck, one by one, and declaring either “yes” or “no,” after each one. Which, in turn, brought up the flashback to Jamie Otis “instructing” Ben Flajnik in the art of kissing. We had very little idea of just how intensely Jamie O. would be imminently brought to the forefront of our consciousness, with the arrival of good ole Crazy-Eyed-Chris…

I will NEVER tire of this photo...

- As Andi’s (questionably jealous) sister was affirming her choice in horrible dress number one, LRPG member Carolyn remarked, “The things my brother would be saying to me right now… ANTITHESIS.” The LRPG quickly realized that the combination of comments from all of our siblings in that instance would average out to,”You’re an idiot. Stop this. You’re a moron. Don’t.”

- Andi: “I do sushi seven days a week.” Really? SEVEN days a week? What kind of sushi are we talking, here? Swanky Atlanta Sushi, or Sushi from Kroger?

The Guys:

- I think I’m too overwhelmed by the raw material on which there is to commentate during the premiere, so for the sake of my sanity, (and the sake of brevity) I took notes mostly on their name and occupation. Or in the case of JJ: their *wink* “occupation.” Special thanks to LRPG member Johnny, for standing by on ABC.com to provide occupations that I’d missed. I’m going to nominate him to be the next Bachelor…ette Intern. #LookOutJacob

oMarcus: Sports Medicine Manager

oPatrick: Farmer

oJJ: Pantstapreneur, but I’m not mad about his
bowtie. Ohhh he told her to “Have a good one.” This looks promising.

oMarquel: sponsorship salesman, (what??) who “brought
his A game.” OHMIGAH THIS WAS THE GUY WITH THE COOKIES.

….I’m speechless.

Speech. Less.

Without Speech.

(And not because “I’m the worst reader ever” circa Kendall Jenner)

I don’t even know what to say about this. I would seriously send everyone
home that instant. I am SO sold on Marquel IT’S UNREAL.

oTasos: Wedding Event Coordinator… the lock and
the key on Lovers’ Bridge… blah blahhh. Ohhhh I’m guessing Bachelorette Intern
Jacob was dispatched to retrieve that key out of the fountain, to prevent rust.
I bet Johnny could have made a quicker retrieval. #LookOutJake

oRudie: Attorney, “May I approach the
bachelorette?” DON’TTTT. DOOONNNN’TTTTT. Ok Intern Jacob CLEARLY had to
provide the felt on which that 4th waver thing was written…Ugh. Go home, Rudie. (Ohhh and he did. Looks like the folks at home talked him into a little too much, cause he was CONVINCED they were going to get married...)

oCarl, Firefighter. SO CUTE. Gave her a globe. SO
HE GAVE HER THE WORLD. Is this WhileYou Were Sleeping, or IS IT WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING?!

oJason, doctor… bad jokes. Please stop. STOOOOP. (Eliminated)

oNick. V: Nice suit. Software sales. Got the
first impression rose.

- If I hear “I’m a hugger” one more time…

oDylan, accountant. He has a personal space
bubble and I’m into it.

oPatrick, soccer player. Weeeell after he scrubs
the lime residue out of the fountain, JCake will certainly be fetching that
soccer ball…

oEmil, Helicopter Pilot… He tells Andi to
remember his name by “anal with an M.”

Thoughts:

1)He has a sense of humor. Clearly.

2)SHE WILL NOT FORGET HIS NAME.

3)You especially
can’t fault him when there’s NO other word to be used as a pneumonic device…

(Whoooops. Eliminated)

oBrett, hair stylist, WHY DID HE NOT GET A
COORDLESS LAMP? Oh. He stole it from the hotel room. Wait, I’m kind of into
this. He listens to his mom, has a sense of humor and isn’t afraid of
kleptomania. The LRPG was split down the middle when it came to approval of
Brett. I CERTAINLY don’t approve of that double rat tail thing he’s got going
on…

oBRADLEY IS AN OPERA SINGER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
He looks like the lovechild of Rick Castle and Charlie Sheen.

oJosh, telecommunication marketer. Cute. (Ohhhh sent home. Sent home rough. Went home rough.)

oRon, Beverage Sales Spokesperson (Huh?)

oNick S. pro golfer, rolled up in a golf cart with, “how are
you, love?” SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH A MAN WHO CALLS A STRANGER “LOVE.” Suit is
too tight. Please leave, Nick. S.

oBrian, Basketball Coach (a real life Eric Taylor,
perhaps? AMIRITE?)

oAndrew, Social Media Marketer “Andrew and Andi
has a nice ring to it.” IT DOESN’T.

oMike, Bartender (Eliminated)

oEric, Explorer, Andes Mountains. And THIS would
be the guy who… is no longer with us. HE IS A LOOKER. And sheesh, I don’t care if those are dolls from JCake’s
sister, that Andes Mountains reference ALONE
had me sold…