Saturday, February 1, 2014

Why I Will Always Hate February

February is the pits! Valentine's Day without a my valentine. President's Day when all the good presidents are dead. Punxsutawney Phil will most likely see his shadow tomorrow...six more weeks of Winter. Erika and Tyler are moving to So. California (but, I'm not going to talk about that). The Olympics start on the 7th (yay!) but will have to close on the 23rd (boo!). They're in Sochi, Russia (where??) and the public restrooms there have double toilet stalls (double boo!!).

Worst of all, it will be the second anniversary of my boyfriend's untimely death.

Last year on February 1st I wrote about "Turning Pages". Calendar pages. I wrote about how difficult it was to physically turn the January page to February. It would somehow reinforce that my Terry would be gone for an entire year. Impossible. As if not turning a calendar page could bring him back. As if. But, I eventually turned it and the world didn't fall apart. Most likely because it had already done so a year before. You can read that post here: http://candadiantami.blogspot.com/2013/02/turning-pages.html if you are so inclined.

So, here I am facing another turn of the calendar. It has got to be easier this year right?? I mean, two years is a long time. I should be a little more "together" when it comes to silly little calendars. I've learned many things over the past two years. One being, I can NEVER just assume that my life and feelings will play out the way I imagined them. This crazy heart inside has a mind of it's own and is usually connected to my tears.

I faced my beautiful new calendar from Melissa Rae last night. It was like facing off with a boxing opponent. If I turned January to February, I just knew I'd get punched in the face. So, I left it on January again. Take THAT, February!

Last night I reread all of my blog posts from last February...the year anniversary of Terry's death. I was sobbing my eyes out (as I knew I would) and feeling all of those feelings all over again. I should have stopped. But, it felt good to hurt. What? I know. I can't describe it. Sometimes when I hurt, I feel better. Maybe I need a therapist.

So, after reading the post from February 1, 2013, I remembered that I had Eloise with me last year. As luck would have it, I have her this year as well. Just the two of us. We went to lunch with some friends then headed out to the Provo Cemetery to visit Pop Pop. We arrived to find a LARGE group of people waiting to bury their departed loved one. We walked closer and I started to worry that the group had congregated on top of Terry's spot. Getting closer and closer, I could feel all of these wonderful people actually exuding a palpable love for their dear one. It was peaceful. Like an invisible shield around that sacred occasion. We found my boyfriend's spot...within three feet of the mourning family. We'd have to make it quick. There wasn't enough snow to fashion snowball hearts like last year. Just some hard snow/ice left over from the last snowfall. So, we made heart imprints with our feet, said "We love you, Pop Pop!", and that was it. A tradition has begun.

I guess I can be grateful that it isn't a leap year and that February is just 28 days long. Hopefully, I'll have turned that calendar page by then.

This photo has me so confused. Those hearts are actually pressed into the snow by our shoes.I have stared at it in every possible way and I can only see thempopping up.I'm not going crazy...am I?Please tell me you see it that way.

5 comments:

You're not crazy! I thought the same thing and when you said they were from your shoes I went back and looked at the photos because I could have sworn you had some cool shape making toy you'd used like an igloo block maker to make those!

Your boyfriend is sending you a message!! It's a Valentine's Gift. He's 'popping up' to ask if you'll still be his Valentine. :D

P.S. And you're not crazy with the whole calender thing or the whole 'when you mourn it should be this way and here are the steps only...... what were the steps again because I've fallen down the stairs......' thing.

On The Radio

A Book I Love!

I absolutely loved this book. Perhaps it is the Canadian-living-in-the-states self talking here, but it made me long for my home in Southern Alberta. Growing up, my father was the maintenance supervisor for the schools in the area. This included the school at two or three of the Hutterite colonies in the area. He would often take me with him on his visits to the colonies. I loved it there and was mesmerized by every nuance of the colony. The baking bread, the chickens roaming free, the homes, the smells, the polka-dots, the braids. I loved going with him. My mother made trips as well. We would often go to purchase eggs, knitted booties and slippers, pick up newly upholstered furniture, and chickens. Every time, we were invited into someone's home to sit down for a visit. Secretly, I wanted to BE a Hutterite just so I could twist my hair back and put on a handkerchief. This book was a trip home for me and I adored it. Mary Ann Kirby is a gifted writer who was able to capture growing up on the colony and later outside of the colony in a way I will not soon forget. I can't wait to make the drive to Canada this summer and visit a colony.

Reading Right Now...

The Alloy of Law: The fourth book in the Mistborn series by Brandon Sanderson. Something tells me it isn't going to have the same effect on me as the trilogy!

Also Reading...

The Kitchen House

Just Finished Reading

Oh my goodness! I owe Jessica Romney a HUGE thank you for recommending this series. I was skeptical at first. But, am so glad I chose to give the Mistborn series a try. Brandon Sanderson is an amazing author. I am now open to a new genre...fantasy. This series though, had even more than fantasy. I felt some strong spiritual undertones throughout this particular (#3) book. I even got a little "misty" at the end. I loved these books. Thanks, Jessica. I owe you and will never question your recommendations again! :)

Also Just Finished Reading...

The author, Sue E. Peterson, is a friend of mine. She sent me this book shortly after the heartbreaking loss of my own husband. It had many wonderful points for me to consider as I read about death and making sense of a new/different life. I appreciated so much of what she said and the metaphors regarding "running" throughout the book. I've never read a book by an author I know (and know very well) personally. Nor, have I read a story based on a person I know and have had conversations with. It was an odd feeling in some respects. Reading different names for each character and each setting sort of messed with my brain a bit. Finally, I put that out of my mind and read with the purpose of gleaning insight about losing a spouse and recovery from grief. I have many turned down pages I'd like to revisit as a result. Thanks for the book, Sue!