A few days ago I had a very awkward conversation with my sister. After I had the conversation I decided that it would be a perfect one to write about for my seventh journal entry which was about a conversation in which we were assertive despite wanting to “fight” or “flight.”

Here is what happened… I was sitting on the living room couch doing homework on my laptop. My friend Chris was over. He was basically lying down on the couch and I was sitting at the very end of it doing homework. I told him it didn’t bother me that he was laying down, especially since we were watching a movie. I must have said something funny because he poked me in the ribs so I started laughing. At that exact moment my sister, Olivia, otherwise known as “Liv” walked in the front door.

“Hey Liv, this is my friend Chris.” I said, attempting to introduce them.

“Hi,” she said back with an angry expression and a heavy sigh. She went back outside, slamming the door behind her.

“Do you want to talk about anything? I’m here for you if you need to talk.”

“Why would I talk to you? You are the last person I would talk to. You’re not my friend, not even like a sister. On top of it, you’re a s***. How many guys are you going to bring over? Every time I come over you’re kissing and cuddling and getting on with someone in the house. I just walked in and see you on the couch with some guy I don’t know and there are cigarettes on the kitchen table. When I’m upset, I get angry. Right now I am angry!”

My heart started racing but not as much as it used to in these situations. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. “Why are you so upset?” I asked, calmly.

“Because you’re a skank and you do whatever you want and you don’t act like a Christian and I’m not going to talk about it with you. Besides, there are cigarettes on the kitchen table. I don’t know this person.” She was talking in a high pitched tone. Most of her words were blurring together. I reminded myself to listen and be patient.

My initial reaction was to yell at her. I wanted to tell her she is not my mother and has no control over me. I wanted to tell her she is a b**** and all she does is judge me and hurt me. I wanted to tell her…something hurtful so hurt her like she hurt me all these years.

“He is trying to quit smoking, and he’s a good person. He actually asked if we go to church because he wants to go. I told him you go every week and might be a good person to ask. And…” I drilled off feeling emotional.

“Well I don’t know him.”

“Dad met him and so has mom. They both liked him a lot; he’s pretty awesome if you get to know him. I told him I’m proud of him for trying to quit smoking and if he really wants to go to church that maybe I would go with him.” I spoke slowly.

“How many guys are you going to bring over?” She asked. I told her I had lots of friends and that I wasn’t really dating anyone. My voice got high and I started running all my words together as I tried to explain myself. I didn’t have to explain myself to her. I didn’t want her to hate me but I had no control over her feelings.

“And saying I’m putting out with lots of guys every time you come over is an exaggeration. Chris is just a friend.”

“What about the last one?” She snapped.

“You mean Josh? I don’t see him too often-“

“What a shame,” she cut in.

“But yes, we did go on a few dates…” I realized the only way to diffuse the situation was to walk away. I was use to feeling racy in these moments. I was used to fighting back and crying and having her “win.” She usually won by getting to me to an emotional breaking point where she could tell me that I needed help, I was a mess, and no one liked me. I decided to walk away.

“I’m going back inside…” I murmured, feeling slightly hopeless but definitely improved as far as reacting goes. I didn’t feel like I was at a breaking point. I didn’t cry. Her freak out didn’t take away my peace of mind.

She got up in my face and flapped her hand dismissively a few inches away from my nose. “Get out of my face!” She turned around and sat on the porch steps. I went in the house. Chris was standing up nervously in the doorway. “I know how important family is… I didn’t mean to do anything wrong… I will leave.”

Olivia’s boyfriend Jared pulled into the yard in his little, red car. I looked out the window at them. They were kissing. I saw her glance up at the window, inside where I was looking back at her. Her angry, hazel eyes peered back at me in the cold autumn afternoon. A second later she was getting in the car with Jared. They peeled out and I sat down on the couch. Chris and I finished the movie in silence.

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