Jonestown, AZ — A local man is a hero today after he single-handedly stopped a couple who were attempting to rob a coffee shop. His quick thinking saved the day according to restaurant manager Ted Barkins. “He just started quoting movie lines from Pulp Fiction. The robbers kind of went berserk and then they just left.” Local hero, Paul Horner, who thwarted the would-be robbers said, “It was really lucky that I had my wallet with me that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. The robbers came around demanding everybody’s wallet and I just held it up, you know like how Samuel L. Jackson did in Pulp Fiction.”

Longtime diner Susan Litchfield said it was a pretty tense moment. “The robbers asked Mr. Horner what was in his hand. He told them it was his wallet that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. I’ve never seen the movie so I didn’t know what he was talking about. I just thought he was some crazy white guy with a death wish.”

“After I said the comment about my wallet the robbers started freaking out. So then in my best tough black guy voice I said to them: Normally, both your asses would be dead as f*cking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this sh*t while I’m in a transitional period so I don’t wanna kill you, I wanna help you,” Horner said. “Then the robbers looked at each other and then just ran out of the restaurant. I knew my vast knowledge of Pulp Fiction would pay off for me one day.”

Barkins said he was concerned about the health of Mr. Horner after the robbers had left and everyone at the restaurant was waiting for police to arrive. “It seemed like Mr. Horner’s brain had temporarily snapped. I asked him if he was ok and he shouted, ‘Shut the f*ck up fat man! This ain’t none of your go*damn business’. Then I apologized and told him that I think the cops are on their way to which he responded, ‘I don’t wanna hear about no motherf*ckin’ ifs. All I wanna hear from your ass is, you ain’t got no problem, Paul. I’m on the motherf*cker. Go back in there, chill them n*ggas out and wait for the cavalry which should be coming directly’. Then he started asking me questions about our food menu. He asked me about our hamburgers and if I knew what they called a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France? It was really weird, but hey, he’s a hero I guess.”

“In every other parallel universe this man would be shot and killed but not here in Jonestown,” Officer Miller from the Jonestown Police Department said. “It’s fortunate that this small town has a person like Mr. Horner living in it. If he hadn’t had so much free time on his hands he never would have been able to quote so many lines from Pulp Fiction. Down time is the real hero here today.”

The robbers are described as a white male and female aged 35-45. Any information please contact the Jonestown Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.

Washington, D.C. — Fans of hip hop were in for a surprise Saturday when a user of the popular website Tumblr received one of the United States’ highest civilian honors that a president can award. 82 year old Donovan Strain was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom for pin pointing the exact date that rapper Ice Cube was referring to in his hit song from the 90’s entitled ‘It Was a Good Day’.

While presenting the award President Barack Obama said, “I’m proud to give this award to Donovan Strain. His courage and excellent detective skills are honored here today. I just love that song and I’ve always wondered what the actual good day that Ice Cube was referring to. Thanks to Donovan, now we all know.”

When asked how he came up with the date of Ice Cube’s good day, Strain said, “In the song he says that he went to Short Dog’s house and they were watching Yo MTV Raps. That show didn’t air until August 6th, 1988. Ice Cube’s song didn’t come out until February 23rd, 1993.” Strain continues, “During the song he says the Lakers beat the Super Sonics. So if you match up the days that Yo MTV Raps aired during that time span and basketball games where the Lakers beat the Super Sonics it will give you a grand total of twelve dates. Then by checking the weather on those dates for days that had no smog, just like in the song, you’ll narrow those twelve down to four possible dates.”

Reporters questioned Strain how he knew which of the four possible dates was the actually date that Ice Cube was rapping about. “This is where it gets interesting,” Strain said. “Ice Cube says that he got a beep from Kim, and she can f*ck all night. Beepers weren’t adopted by mobile phone companies until the 1990’s. The dates then left where mobile beepers were available to the public are January 18th, 1991 and January 20th, 1992. Ice Cube starred in the film Boyz In The Hood that was being filmed in 1990 and early 1991. He would have been too busy on set filming the movie January 18th, 1991 to be lounging around the streets with no plans.” Strain proudly raises his hands in the air and a smile emerges on his face, “So ladies and gentlemen, the only day when Yo MTV Raps was on the air, it was a clear and smogless day, beepers were commercially sold, the Lakers beat the Super Sonics and Ice Cube had no events to attend was… January 20th, 1992.”

Ice Cube was on hand at the awards ceremony for Strain. When asked by reporters what he thought of the day’s events he responded by saying, “I don’t really see what the big deal is here. If the president wanted to know the date that I was rapping about he could have just asked me. I’m happy for Donovan I guess.”

Demonstrators lined the White House for hours protesting the song that Obama was presenting the award for. Paul Horner who was participating in the demonstration said he didn’t agree with Obama’s decision. “So because Ice Cube didn’t have to use his AK-47 assault rifle, that made it a good day for him?” Horner continued, “How could anyone relate to this song?”

Asked what his plans are for the future, Strain said, “Right now I’m working on finding an answer to a question that has been keeping the science community and I up late at night for years now. What if the boys were already on their way to the yard, and the milkshakes had nothing to do with it?”

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/3/2012 6:30:57 PM PDT

Provo, UT — Today the lottery drawing of all lottery drawings was held in Provo, Utah. The Mormon council of elders handed down Mitt Romney’s fate for eternity, and he was not pleased.

Romney’s anger centered around a little-known fact about the Mormon religion that is unbeknownst to most people. The Mormons believe that when a man dies he becomes a god of his own universe. The man is then accompanied by a dozen or more woman who remain eternally pregnant. Romney, a lifetime Mormon and one of the religion’s biggest financial contributors, says he is extremely displeased with the results of today’s lottery. “This is ridiculous,” Romney said at a press conference this afternoon. “They gave me some crap universe with no life in it whatsoever. It’s made up of mostly gaseous planets, I mean there’s nothing there. It’s going to be billions of boring years before anything actually good happens. Yeah and don’t even get me started about the eternally pregnant wives I’ll be bringing with me. If any one of those girls gets down below three hundred pounds by the time this actually happens I’ll be extremely surprised.”

58 year old Susan Litchey, who is a big Mitt Romney supporter, said she’s happy for him getting his own universe in the afterlife. “As a longtime Christian, Mitt’s religion and my own are actually very similar. So what if he’s going to be god of his own universe when he dies, I think that’s really neat,” Litchey said. “These people that don’t agree with him are just jealous because they probably want to be god of their own universe too. Personally I hope I get selected as one of his eternally pregnant wives.”

“This is what the Mormons actually believe,” says Paul Horner who is an ex-member of the Mormon religion. “I was a Mormon for 30 years. It’s a religion created by a guy named Joseph Smith who was a liar and a cheat. He started the religion for money and woman, that’s all,” Horner explains. “They roped me in with the idea that it’s just like Christianity. They don’t tell you all these weird secrets until years later. My whole life became about them so when I finally decided to leave, I had no one left to fall back on. It was really tough.” Horner continues, “I can’t believe Romney’s religion hasn’t become more of an issue in these elections. Christians that are voting for this guy because they think his beliefs are on par with their own are extremely mistaken. Or they just don’t want to vote for a black guy as president, which if I had to guess, is 90% of what’s actually behind all of Romney’s popularity.”

“The women they selected as my eternally pregnant wives are big girls and definitely not very appealing to the eyes. I’m seriously doubting my faith today,” Romney said. “I’ve actually been thinking about joining the Muslim religion, but the idea of 72 virgins when I die…jeez, that just sounds like a lot of work to me. Maybe I’ll just take one of my lift trucks and run the forklift forks through $150,000 worth of vodka.” Romney continued, “I guess I’ll just join Scientology. Xenu the Galactic Overlord and Tom Cruise can’t be any worse than my doomed fate.”

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/1/2012 6:05:52 PM PDT

Austin, TX. — A Texas billionaire is making news by starting his own presidential campaign of sorts. For the past few months Texas native Paul Horner has been hard at work on a campaign that he calls, Check None Of The Above. “What I’m doing is showing my disgruntlement for the options the American people have when it comes to choosing their next president,” Horner said at a press conference in Austin this afternoon. “I don’t like Obama and I don’t like Romney. I say check none of the above.”

45 year old Mitch Reynolds said, “We just love what Paul Horner is doing. He’s been placing ads in newspapers and he’s even putting up billboards. It’s exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions from the 80’s with Richard Pryor and John Candy.”

“I’m doing this for all the Americans out there who are left with two bad choices for president in this upcoming election.” Horner continues, “I’m also getting really tired of people saying that what I’m doing is like what they did in Brewster’s Millions. I came up with this idea all by myself, it has nothing to do with that movie.”

“Everything he’s doing is exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions,” Sarah Bellignton a long time resident of Austin said. “Paul Horner received all this money as an inheritance from his great-uncle and he needs to spend it all in 30 days to get his actual inheritance or he gets nothing. But there’s a catch to all of this, Paul can’t buy anything tangible. So he’s been spending his money on things like a rare stamp that he actually mailed to someone. He also paid the New York Yankees a huge amount of money to play against his baseball team in an exhibition game and now he’s starting this presidential campaign. I think it’s a great move on Horner’s part to spend the money on something like this. A campaign like this will cost millions and every dollar spent will bring him that much closer to his actual inheritance.”

Horner told reporters, “I don’t play for a baseball team that is playing exhibition games with the Yankees. This is not money I received from a great uncle and I have not been mailing letters to people with rare stamps on them. People are making this out to be much more than it actually is. I just don’t want Obama or Romney in the White House come next year, it’s as simple as that.”

Kevin Harding from San Antonio said, “I wonder if Paul Horner will be able to spend all of his money before the 30 days is up and claim his true inheritance or will he walk away with nothing? I can’t wait to find out what happens!”

Horner said, “The money I’m using for this campaign is not money that I received from an inheritance. I don’t have 30 days to spend a certain amount of money or I lose a bigger inheritance. Let me again reiterate what this is about. I don’t want Barack Obama or Mitt Romney in the White House after this upcoming election, so when voting, I say check none of the above.”

The press conference ended abruptly when Horner physically assaulted a reporter from Fox News after he was asked if he knew anything about a possible sequel to Brewster’s Millions happening in the near future.

THE ASS PRESS
POSTED: 04/25/2012 6:00:57 PM PDT

Kabul, Afghanistan — An Afghan man was found not guilty Wednesday by a Tribunal of his elders for the gruesome murder of his wife of 42 years. The man, 54 year old Aasif Zawaydeh, apparently had choked his wife to death, cut her body up and fed it to the family dog. His defense was that she sent him too many game requests on Facebook and because of this she needed to die. The man says his wife knew he didn’t like the Avengers movie and kept sending him game requests for it on Facebook even after repeatedly telling her to stop.

Zawaydeh explained to the Tribunal, “I told her numerous times to stop sending me these stupid Facebook game requests for Avengers Alliance but she never listened.” Zawaydeh continued, “I yelled at her, I beat her, I raped her, I let my brother rape her, I let the neighbors rape her, I let the village rape her and still she kept sending me these damn game requests for Avengers Alliance. I don’t like using Facebook except to stay in contact with old friends from my militia and she knew this. I don’t like the Avengers movie and I especially don’t want to play the stupid game on Facebook.”

The Tribunal voted 12-0 unanimously in favor of the man saying that he was justified in the killing of his wife.

48 year old Steven Edwards from England who’s in Afghanistan because of work was at the trial when the verdict came in. “What is wrong with these people? I have to get the fu*k out of this country right now.”

At a press conference in New York this morning Paul Horner, the president of PGF or People against Games on Facebook said, “This is just one of the many problems that can arise when people send game requests on Facebook. Your annoying friend on Facebook gets the brilliant idea that maybe you want to stop doing what you’re doing and help them build a cartoon barn or plant a field of carrots. So they send you a game request and then you have to log in to Facebook to see what your friend sent. You see it’s something you could absolutely care less about, you get mad and then you wanna kill them. Eventually what happened in Afghanistan is going to happen somewhere else. It’s only a matter of time.”

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The Ass Press
Posted: 04/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Washington DC — In a controversial move this morning President Obama made NTACT official and signed it into law. NTACT stands for the National Trees Act and was passed by Congress last week. The bill allows government officials, such as the military and DEA, to waterboard marijuana users in order to gain any potential information they may or may not have. The act states that by waterboarding the marijuana user for information, such as where they bought their drugs from, it will allow law enforcement officials to use that information to then arrest the dealers, distributors and the actual growers.

After signing NTACT into law, President Obama stated, “This is a great first step in putting an end to this nightmare that has plagued our country for so long now. Marijuana is a destructor of families and communities. By getting to the source of the problem, the actual marijuana user, I think we can finally win the war on drugs. God willing, no one will ever use marijuana again.”

U.S. Representative Lamar S. Smith, who introduced the bill into Congress said, “Marijuana users think they can sit around all day, smoke their reefer, eat fattening foods and watch their stupid television shows… well, not on my watch. Now with the threat of torture, I seriously doubt marijuana addicts will have the guts to smoke their drugs again.”

Obama went on to restate his position by saying, “I want to be clear. If a state legalizes marijuana, this law will still affect those residents. I’m sure you’re already well aware, that I won’t hesitate to send DEA agents into states that have already legalized the drug. It doesn’t matter if marijuana is legal in your state or not, or who you are, if you make the choice to use marijuana, we will find you and we will waterboard you.” Obama went on to say, “With a marijuana arrest before, you might have just lost all your possessions, family and gone to prison. Thanks to this new bill I signed into law today, you’re now also going to get waterboarded. I’ve already passed The National Defense Act (NDAA), which allows us to send American citizens to jail for an infinite amount of time with no lawyer, judge or jury, so I think you should know by now that I’m not one to mess with.”

Paul Horner, one of Obama’s presidential advisers on the matter told the press today, “There’s just too many special interests out there that are making too much money because of marijuana’s illegal status. Do you have any idea how much money those lobbyists and special interest groups would stand to lose if we suddenly legalized marijuana? They would lose a lot. Sure our economy would probably improve if we taxed and regulated it, but the super-elite, the %1, are the ones who get hurt here. They are the ones we listen to.” Horner continued, “You can’t just make things like hemp legal. Pretty soon you wouldn’t have to cut down trees, then what are all the loggers out there going to do? You have to think about things like that. We see the big picture here at the White House. That’s why I’m up on stage holding a press conference and you’re down there writing everything that I’m saying.”

Danny Simmons from the DEA told CNN he approves of NTACT. “I don’t think there’s anyone I work with that isn’t excited about this law being passed. I think it’s going to be hilarious waterboarding a pot head; they are already so paranoid to begin with. The looks on their faces are gonna be priceless. They’ll be like, ah don’t kill me, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.” Simmons laughs, “How awesome are things going to be now.”

The Ass PressPosted: 04/18/2012 6:00:52 PM PDTBoston, MA. — Horner Airlines is proud to announce that it has teamed up with presidential hopeful Mitt Romney in a first of its kind ‘Work to Fly’ program. Paul Horner, president of Horner Airlines, said the program will essentially allow people to fly for free as long as they put in a few days of manual labor for Mitt Romney.

Ben Thomas, a spokesman for Horner Airlines said, “In this tough economic climate, people want to travel but just can’t afford to. Now thanks to Mitt Romney and our ‘Work to Fly’ program they can. Mitt Romney is making dreams come true.”

Martha Jones from Mississippi was one of the first people to take part in the program. She went with her husband on an all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii. She said, “We always wanted to visit Hawaii but just couldn’t afford it. Thanks to this program we were finally able to go.” She then goes on to explain what kind of work they did to get the free trip. “My husband and I spent one day digging ditches around a sewage treatment plant of Romney’s and then another day working as correctional officers for a privately owned prison of his in Texas. Those working credits added up to two round trip tickets to Waikiki and free hotel accommodations right on the beach. It was so beautiful and our marriage needed that. It was falling apart before all of this but thanks to this romantic getaway, we’ve never been happier. I truly believe Mitt Romney saved our marriage.”

At a press conference this afternoon to announce the deal Mitt Romney said, “Throughout all my years I’ve fired so many people and paid so little in taxes. Now I can have people work for me for free too. I’m just thrilled.”

The president of Horner Airlines finished the press conference by saying, “We currently have jobs available in all 50 states for this ‘Work to Fly’ program. There are different plans for different free flights and hotel stays. The more work you do for Mitt Romney translates into more free flights and accommodations. Contact a representative today.”

The Ass Press Posted: 04/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDTThe magazine People is pleased to announce Rick Santorum as this year’s sexiest Republican alive. This is Santorum’s first win as ‘sexiest’ and was chosen from a long list of other Republicans currently serving in office.

“I think this is fantastic,” Rick Santorum said this morning at a press conference after he was informed of being voted sexiest Republican alive. “This just proves that you don’t have to be gay to be sexy and if you are gay, well, that’s just gross.”

“He’s not afraid to get wild and crazy sometimes, just be himself,” Susan Kindle editor for People said, “He loathes gay people because of the bible but at the same time has his whole staff work on the Sabbath. According to the bible, those employees of his should be put to death! Oh man, classic Santorum! Just making it up as he goes along. Only one word for that… sexy!”

After receiving the ‘Sexiest Republican Alive’ award, Santorum spoke briefly about Iran. “They don’t have many sexy individuals over there. They are a nation full of religious zealots, that with the help of god, will be blown off the face of this planet. With god’s love and mercy, they will all burn in hell for eternity.”

Paul Horner of Louisiana said he hopes this win will eventually lead to a Presidency for Santorum. “Yeah he’s sexy, but I want him as my next president. He doesn’t need a lot of fancy schoolin’ degrees like our current president, he’s got a PHD in Jesus.” Horner goes on to say, “I for one know I’ll get a lot more done once pornography becomes illegal. Though I am worried about all the missionary sex I’ll be having with no contraception. Maybe Mr. Santorum will allow me to use a condom if it has a picture of the Virgin Mary on it. I sure would appreciate that.”

Steve Reynold’s marketing executive for People said, “It was a tough choice to find a Republican that we could call sexy because they’re all kind of fat and old.” Reynold’s said, “Rick Santorum isn’t bald, he’s under seventy and he weighs less than 300 pounds… so yeah, he’s our winner.”

The Ass Press
Posted: 04/05/2012 06:00:35 AM PDT

Sanford, Fla— New pictures and information, released by Matt Drudge from the Drudge Report, show a completely different side to the Trayvon Martin that we’ve been seeing portrayed by most of the media. “These innocent child hood photos of Trayvon, being shown in the news, are just not who he actually was. The photos we’ve obtained indicate that he was a lot more than just some young kid going to high school. More than likely he was a 7’2, 480 lbs professional football player, though we’re not exactly sure what team he played for. Our editors are working around the clock on putting all the pieces together,” says Drudge. “We also have obtained new information about George Zimmerman. The ‘tough guy’ pictures showing Zimmerman in an orange jumpsuit are about as inaccurate as you can get. Reliable sources now tell us he is likely a 3’6 Asian dwarf who was lured to the dark alleys of his neighborhood by the scent of Skittles.”

Paul Horner from the NAACP said, “These actions by Matt Drudge are unforgivable. The pictures he posted to his website aren’t even that good. One of them is just an image of Al Pacino from the movie Scarface Photoshopped with Trayvon’s face on it. This is a blatant attempt to make Trayvon out to be someone that he was not. It’s truly disgusting, just horrible Photoshop work.”

“You have to question everything the liberal media tells you,” says Drudge. “Our sources tell us that besides moonlighting as security for rapper 50 Cent, Trayvon Martin also belonged to a biker gang that smuggled marijuana out of Tijuana. Did you read about any of those stories on MSNBC or CNN? I don’t think so.”

Matt Drudge said he has no plans on pulling the pictures from the website. “I mean, look at the rest of the site. It’s a propaganda machine used to make Americans afraid, and we’re doing a pretty good job of it.” He goes on to say, “I think pulling these images, no matter how fabricated they may or may not be, would go against everything that the site is about. Plus we’re too busy right now trying get the American people excited about a possible war with Iran. Once we start bombing Iran, ask me nicely about pulling those photos and maybe I’ll think about it.”

The Ass Press
Posted: 4/1/2012 6:00:52 AM PDT

Gaithersburg, MD— This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that one of the three winners in last night’s Mega Millions has come forward. That lucky person is Paul Horner from Baltimore County, Maryland. He is the winner of Friday’s world record $640 million jackpot. Mr. Horner won by correctly matching all five numbers and then also the Mega Ball.

Most people would be ecstatic about their new found riches, but not Mr. Horner. As it turns out he was already Maryland’s second wealthiest resident. With this new lottery win people are speculating that he’ll now be the richest person living in the state of Maryland. Mr. Horner made most of his wealth on Wall Street. Last year’s tax return show him reporting a little over $900,000,000 and because of some questionable accounting he only paid 2% in taxes.

On Wall Street his nickname is ‘The Gutter’. “He basically buys up a company, fires everybody, puts them all out on the street, then when the stock price goes up he sells everything and just walks away. He’s such an a*shole. We all just love him here,” Bob Jenkins of Fidelity Mutual said.

“This will help me fix up one of my estates in the Cayman Islands that I’ve kind of let go in recent years. I’ve also been thinking about buying a couple more Gulfstream G550 jets, so I think I’ll go ahead and do that now.” Horner goes on to say, “I’m actually kind of bummed about winning because I know there is really no way around paying the full amount of taxes that I’ll owe on this. I guess for a moment or so I’ll have to join the ‘regulars’ and pay my fair share. Maybe when I’m done paying all those taxes I’ll go down to a local bar and have a domestic beer with the common folk there, just to get a quick taste of what that’s like,” Horner laughs. “To be honest, most of this money will probably end up going to campaign contributions for Rick Santorum.”

Asked how he came up with the numbers he chose, Mr. Horner said, “When I played before I let the riffraff behind the counter pick the numbers for me, but this time I went with numbers that have a special place close to my heart. I currently own two Bugatti’s. I have four mansions. I own twenty-three different multinational corporations. I spent thirty-eight million dollars on my last yacht. I own real estate in forty-six different countries and my girlfriend is twenty-three.

Lottery officials are still not sure what to make of the winner who matched all six numbers correctly. “He’s kind of a dick”, said lottery official Tim Perkins. “I’m kind of sad that this thing is finally over. That money was growing into something really amazing. With all of that money you could feed most of the world’s starving children, or provide clean drinking water in a third world country. I’m pretty sure there is no god when a guy like Paul Horner becomes the winner of something this special.”

The winning numbers for last night’s drawing were 2-4-23-38-46 and the Mega Ball was 23. The odds in matching all six numbers and winning the jackpot are stated at an astronomical 1 in 176 million. Mega Millions spokesperson Kimberly Starks says the two other winning tickets were sold in Illinois and Kansas.