A Man’s Guide to Reading In-Between the Lines

It’s easy to feel that men and women speak different languages. Books titles like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus are a reflection of the wide chasm that can exist when it comes to male/female communication.

The bottom line is that men and women have a tendency to think differently, to act differently, and to interact differently than one another- especially in the area of love and relationships. I was recently asked to write an article for men, helping them to get a peek inside of a woman’s head. One question that many men are looking for the answer to is– How do I know she’s into me?

While I am ALL ABOUT healthy, open, and honest communication, the truth of the matter is when you are first meeting and getting to know someone of the opposite sex, you don’t start off by immediately jumping into the “define the relationship” conversation (unless of course you want to come across as creepy…). Instead, you keep your eyes open for signs of interest that lead you from friendship into something more.

When John and I had been friends for a while, there was a period of time in which we weren’t reading each other well–straight up due to gender differences. I was starting to convince myself that maybe he just saw me as “buddy”- and at the same time, he started wondering if I was interested in him at all. We were both communicating interest- but in completely different ways. We were missing the signals until we finally sat down for a “DTR” 6 months into our friendship.

And from what I’m gathering from all the emails I receive- we’re not the only couple who’s faced the problem of misunderstanding when it comes to male/female friendships and relationships.

In hopes of getting the genders more on the same page, I decided to take a poll of my female readers asking them to explain how they show interest when it comes to the opposite sex. The responses were awesome– but varied from “running in the opposite direction” to “telling it like it is”.

But overall, somewhere right in the middle of the spectrum–a few strong themes emerged that might give you guys out there a little perspective when it comes to knowing whether or not she’s interested. Let me clue you in:

1. Body Language. Hands down, the number one thing women said they use to communicate interest to a guy was body language. The unspoken interactions that mean so many things to a woman–though sometimes go unnoticed by a man. Body language says so much, without actually having to say anything at all. And for women–apparently it’s one of their favorite ways to interact. Whether by maintaining eye contact, closer proximity, facial expressions or a subtle touch–it’s a good indicator that she just might be into you. Be on the lookout for these un-spokens; they may mean more than you could have imagined.

2. Attention: When it comes to showing interest- a woman’s attention says a lot. Women love to GET attention from men- whether they are interested in them or not. But GIVING attention, that’s a whole different story. Does she laugh at your jokes? Remember your comments? Listen when you talk? Is she interested in getting to know about you, and learning what you like? Woman are all about the details–so if she asks to know more, there’s a good chance she’s into you. She’ll pay attention if she’s interested.

For some women, it’s only within the pursuit that they feel the freedom to respond. With that in mind, a great litmus test of whether or not she’s interested is to go ahead and take the risk!

If she’s interested- she’ll call you back. If she wants to keep the conversation going, she’ll text you again. If you ask her to get together, she will take you up on it–and if she’s busy, she’ll give you an alternate plan. At the end of the day, from the responses I got it was clear that woman still love to know that they are wanted, and part of their interest develops and grows from the simple act of being pursued. Sometimes, a woman’s interest is awakened when she learns that you are interested in her. So put some signs out there– and then go ahead and take a leap of faith. You just never know how things might turn out.

Men and women can be so different in how they communicate and show interest- but learning to understand one another and communicate better will hopefully start to bridge the gap toward starting relationships on the right foot…God knows we need all the help we can get!

Hey Ladies!! Stay tuned for Part 2: A Woman’s Guide to Reading in Between the Lines written by my husband, coming at you this week!

Add to the conversation by commenting below: How do you tend to show and respond to interest from the opposite sex?

Comments

“For some women, it’s only within the pursuit that they feel the freedom to respond.” A-MEN! I’ve only ever had one flirtationship, but I was convinced that we were just hanging out, watching movies…being friends. It never occurred to me to consider anything else with him. Until, all of a sudden, somebody was holding my hand.

This was literally my thought process [my voice of reason is in brackets]: “Oh, that Mindy Lahiri…she’s so zanny–Wait! Somebody’s holding my hand. Who’s holding my hand?! Oh…it’s just me and him sitting here, so… He’s holding my hand. When did that happen? How long has he been…? HE’S HOLDING MY HAND! He LIKES me! Oh crap, what do I do now?! Do I like him? [Yes, of course you do, idiot, we’ve been chatting and hanging out with him for weeks now, haven’t we?? He makes us laugh all the time! He actually listens when we have a bad day and just need to vent, but he doesn’t try to fix it, he just tries to cheer us up by being silly or empathizing. He’s been nothing but kind and honest and gentle and patient and understanding with us… And now, he’s holding our hand.] Yeah, but…DO I? [Repeat after me: Don’t. Freak. Out.]”

Moral of the story is: Sometimes even we don’t know whether we’re interested until we know that you are. PLEASE be open, honest, gentle, and really patient with us–we might initially freak out, but the odds of us coming around are exponentially higher if you’ll be patient while we do. If you’re interested, just ask us out–even if just for coffee, but call it a date if it is one. A decent woman hates to turn a decent man down (probably) almost as much as he hates being turned down, but we DO respect you for putting yourself out there for us like that.

A, Thanks for the feedback. I really, honsetly, legitimately thought all of that (almost word for word) in the span of about 3 seconds. Us ladies are a weird bunch. Be patient with us, though…there’s a lot of us that are worth the wait!

Debra, ditto the thanks. Just to be clear, I did NOT share that terrifying train of thought out loud with him (at the time).

Ladies, I sheepishly admitted that The Mindy Project is sort of girly about five minutes in. He agreed, but then took my hand only minutes later. (The show’s only 30 minutes long. Five minutes in: not holding my hand, before the end of the show: holding hands.) Girls, I’ve figured it out! MINDY IS OUR SECRET WEAPON!

Fellas, please ignore that note to the ladies. We would never force you to watch Mindy. Nope…

“If you’re interested, just ask us out–even if just for coffee, but call it a date if it is one.”

Amen, sister! THIS has gotten me several times. That’s when I really freak out–“is this a date? Did he ask me on a date? It feels like a date, but does he not want it to be a date?” A MILLION questions, which led me to not be sure how to respond to him. Please, guys, CLARITY! 🙂

Exactly, b/c then it’s really awkward on both sides. I guess it can work out but it’s real weird along the way. If you just want to be friends only, then you feel lured in or tricked. You don’t know if you should say no or not. You don’t know how to dress…you might even really dress down if not interested to send a signal. Then since it’s unknown if it’s a date or not you don’t know who should pay if you are waited on…or even at Starbucks! Then if he does pay there’s the question of what it MEANS! Some guys that are JUST friends are gentlemen and will pay once in a while. And hugs, oh boy. This guy used to love to come surprise me with hugs, but then wouldn’t send any other vibes really after that…I guess he just liked a nice hug? He has a sister which he is very close to as they are the only siblings also, but then it makes it so he’s easily chatty and comfortable w/ just Christian gals in general. He’s nerdy and a bit awkward just as a person…life is complicated! Lol. I also pre-dated someone, we’d have great talks after class/work, laugh, and became great, fantastic friends…we would equally text one another, play a flirty games of Words w/ Friends, chat about comedians and SNL, remind each other to watch. We then were both signed up for summer school…turned out it was the same class. It was great until HE INVITED me to lunch to tell me he started dating someone! Then, just the great friendship fizzled. But not before we went on a pre-planned university tour. After that I swear he gave me a prolonged goodbye hug (I had a sec where I thought…he’s STILL hugging me, but not in an inappropriate manner), knowing he was ending one option & burning that bridge w/ me. It’s the way life goes and I understand based on even language barriers w/ his parents–the other girl could speak the same language. They broke up a few years later. Another one was weirder…we both worked as tutors at a college. He was an engineering and physics tutor, also had his automotive certificate just b/c he wanted to get that too besides his science degree. Totally DID NOT seem like a player….at all! I wasn’t even attracted to him but he seemed nice and was smart. He’d time it so he could invite me out to dinner (twice), then stuck around to visit and put off school work, took me for a cruise (we’re talking a 45 min one! I thought it was a bit long) and played songs that had some meaning, we then equally visited in a car til late/after dark about random stuff and gave a lady a jump that needed it. He’d flirt, get a happy look and be excited to see me. Then I heard through the grapevine he had a girlfriend!! I heard this through 3 ppl. What?! Then it got through to him I was wondering his intentions b/c this seemed very fishy and I didn’t want to be made look bad or be a part of such a thing as I had no knowledge of the gf…he then told me he didn’t mean it in a dating way or the way I thought he was moving. Ya, right! He further disrespected me by covering his own butt. Now, I have the nerve that I would have really called him out and pointed everything out, like what the heck man?! He’d also pal around and started going on bike races w/ a girl on campus…just them. She bought a bike for $100’s just to do it w/ him! THEN I heard him and his gf broke up. Gee, I wonder why?…

To me, these are more of signs that she’s probly not *un-interested* (but still could be). I say that because these are all subjective. Deb, like you said in your “DTR” article, which I just read, I absolutely need words. I never put trust in signs and signals because they can kind of mean anything.

I hear you, Frank…but sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and trust that the words come later when it’s time! I think this is a good guide as a way to “get things started” when it comes to getting to know or date someone of the opposite sex.

Yup, this post basically says it all. I know we can be a very confusing gender, but please be patient with us, guys! For me, it’s all about attention and body language. If I’m not distracted while talking to guys and am not visibly trying to slide carefully out of the conversations, I’m interested! But I’m also trying to be more intentional these days.

Great thoughts, Molly!! I like your plea, “please be patient with us!” and I think it’s so true in many contexts. Overall, it would do us all well to have grace with one another–especially in this hard to navigate issues.

Debra,
How can a girl know when a guy is just being polite and when he means more? There are guys who are just very educated and kind. How can a girl know if she’s attracted to him in cases like these or if his just being nice? Can we have an article where you talk about, “A woman’s guide to reading in-between the lines”?

For me, the difference between being polite and trying to communicate more is based on actively finding ways to spend time with her. Unfortunately, oftentimes guys don’t really know whether they are interested either. A lot of young men, myself included, still have no idea who or what it is we are looking for. If you can tell he is actively seeking ways to spend time with you he is very likely interested in you. For me, it’s a balancing act. I want to be clear in my intentions but I don’t want to miss the signs of disinterest and come off as “that creepy guy”. It’s kind of a slight fear of mine to be considered “creepy”.

Thank you, Andrew.
Your comment is one of the most helpful I have ever read about discerning whether a man’s motive is mere chivalry or actual interest.

Since you’re still unsure of what to look for in women, I think it would be best for you to regularly meet with and talk with different women, as friends. (After all, Paul did tell Timothy to treat young women as “sisters, in all purity” [1 Timothy 5:1-2]) You won’t figure out what you’re looking for if you don’t spend time with any ladies. Just getting to know people is an art that all adults should mature to. By asking thoughtful questions about life plans/hobbies/talents/Christian topics, but not too intimate (what names do you want to give your future children?), is how we learn about other of God’s greatest works of art (Ephesians 2:10).
You’re right; it is a balancing act. There are 2 ways of being creepy: asking out a woman as soon as you meet her, AND not asking her out so long that you’re just the guy who’s hanging around stalkerishly with no apparent justifiable reason. If a man has been getting to know women as friends first, it should not be that hard for him to eventually and clearly ask out a specific one. Even if a man doesn’t want to “date” too soon, he could plan or find local group events in which he invites fair maiden and her friends to come too as a means of getting to know her further.

The things I want to know about a man before I would consider going out with him are these: does he claim to be and act like a Christian? (you could say what church you go to and ask her if she attends any), have I seen him treat others well in a group setting already? (again, don’t underestimate the effectiveness of repeated, safe, public group settings early in relationship-growing), is he doing or at least working towards doing the work God created him for? (which jobs/life plans can already be brought up in conversation), does he ask me questions about myself? (wow, he wants to get to know me; for now I’ll assume this is just a friendship, but it’s still a foundational step), and it’s not painful to look at him. In sum: I can’t tell you how many “meetings” you must encounter a woman before you ask her out; but once you are certain you want to ask her out, please do so!

Now I have a question for you: if a man is hinting that he’s interested in a woman, what does he want the woman to do? Outright ask him out? Or just hint back to give him the courage to ask her out?

Argh it’s all so confusing! From one end, I’m being told that the guy needs to pursue and you shouldn’t show any interest until AFTER he initiates. And then from the other end, it’s go out and get what you want. So half the time I have no idea what to do. In the past, I was all about initiating and pursuing and that didn’t always end up the way I wanted.

Now, I’d much rather be completely pursued, but I’m realizing that sometimes guys have no idea that you like them. And even when you do show some interest, either they are REALLY dense and still have no idea you are showing interest in them or they are not interested at all but they don’t know how to tell you you’re not interested. So kinda caught in that situation right now. Then again, I may not be showing interest properly. It’s a little hard when you only see the other person IN person a few times a month (if lucky). Not quite sure how to proceed without the whole getting a friend to “ask him what he thinks about me”. I have no idea what’s going on in his mind or how to read HIM. Need an article on that! Lots of *headsslamdesk* and *facepalms* going on over here.

Thanks for writing this article. I finished up True Love Dates a few months ago and it was one of the best relationship books I could have read. Because of where I am at.

In response to Monica’s comment though I have a few things to look for. I’m one of those guys who can accidentally misslead or give the wrong signals. I grew up with all sisters in the family so I’d like to say I’ve always been able to relate to girls better. I’ve had lots of girl’s who are close friends. This honestly lead to a lot of heartache over there years by being friend zoned. But that’s a whole different story.

Things to ask a guy or look for to know if he is interested of just a nice guy. Look at his goals or find out what they are? More importantly see if he’s working towards those goals. A lot of times I was confused with what I wanted in life so that meant the same thing for my dating life as well. I was a nice guy by nature, it’s how I was raised so I was completely unaware of the damage it could cause. If a guy is unsure about what he want’s in life chances are he’s unsure about what he wants out of a relationship. No matter how nice he is you should stay away from him. Guard your heart because chances are he doesn’t know how to. I say this because I’ve been that guy and I’m learning how not to be him. Hope this helps.

Debra if you have any ideas for doing a woman’s guide to reading between the lines I’d love to have those conversations.

Adam, thanks so much for the feedback- and for the kind words about True Love Dates–I’m so glad you liked the book, that’s awesome. I love your feedback here, on so many levels. And I think you make some amazing points about someone’s life and goals being one of many factors to consider as a woman is trying to look at the big picture. I’ve gotten many requests to do a Woman’s Guide to Reading in Between the Lines…and I’m actually tackling that subject right now. Feel free to send me some thoughts you would like me to incorporate in the article- I always love hearing what you all have to say. http://www.truelovedates.com/contact/ if you want to be in touch!

Thankssss for the article very insightful. What do you do if you’ve indirectly shown a girl you’re interested as in talk about various things etc for like 3 months but they still see you as just a good friend?? Even if another friend asked that girl what about so n so and she just sees you as a gd friend?? Do I patiently keep trying even though I know I’m not the type for her as in mr good guy?? Or do I just give up??

“1. Body Language. Hands down, the number one thing women said they use to communicate interest to a guy was body language. The unspoken interactions that mean so many things to a woman–though sometimes go unnoticed by a man. Body language says so much, without actually having to say anything at all. And for women–apparently it’s one of their favorite ways to interact.”

Problem with this is that women are able to read body language more than twice as well as men—women also have between fourteen and sixteen areas of the brain to evaluate others’ behavior versus a man’s four to six areas…so if you’re expecting a guy to be able to accurately interpret a particular message via your body language, you have another think coming.

This seems like a good place to repeat a question I asked under a different post. It was buried after lots of other comments and never got a reply. Of course, this is buried under a lot of comments too but since it’s being “republished” maybe someone will chime in. I originally directed the question to Debra but would welcome comments from anyone:

Hi Debra,

First, I want to say thanks for the good work you’re doing. I appreciate this blog and the chance it gives us to discuss and learn together.

I have a question while going through your 21 Days program. I think that dating can be difficult for introverted men, especially for those following Christ, and especially after reading advice like yours about how important friendship is before romance. What exactly does this friendship look like? In Day 12 of the 21 Days Program, you almost make it sound as though there should be absolutely no romantic interest or sexual attraction whatsoever during this “friendship phase”; or, even worse, that we should pretend that there is none. Surely, this can’t be what you mean, can it? It seems like a recipe for heartache and misunderstanding when one person decides (to reveal) that he or she is ready for a romantic relationship. So my question is: can’t friendship be developed as part of the dating process?

Also, even if my caricature of your advice was exactly what you meant, I just don’t think it would work for someone like me. As an introvert, I have to make an effort to get to know someone. I can enjoy hanging out in groups, but I don’t really get to know someone that way. (Or, at least, they don’t get to know me that way.) So, if I want to invest in a “friendship” with a nice lady, it would feel very much like dating, anyway. If I’m really into someone, this seems to have the effect of scaring her away. If I’m not so sure how into her I am and am truly trying to develop a friendship, I think the effort that I put in would most likely be interpreted as romance. This seems like a great way to get a reputation as a “player,” even if nothing is happening with more than one woman at a time. (And when I say “nothing is happening with more than one woman at a time,” I’m not talking about anything physical. I guess you could say I’m referring to “talking,” as mentioned in item #2 here: http://truelovedates.com/10-things-single-girls-want-single-guys-to-know/ )

I think online dating would probably work well for me, but it kind of makes me sad that I know quite a few women in real life that I can’t seem to make a connection with. Thanks in advance for any insights you can share!

I would agree that friendship can be built within the dating process- it’s definitely been done by many – or might I even say- most people in our culture. I do think it can cause for a relationship going too deep too soon, considering it leaves a person with a lot of expectations considering the nature of the dating relationship. The thing I love about friendship is that it’s a no strings attached kind of thing. IF you can’t see that happening in a one-on-one setting, consider the group setting as a preliminary step in making efforts to get to know someone of the opposite sex, rather than the end all be all. Just some thoughts. The truth is, you know your personality and what works for you. But the one thing I would say is that don’t assume how a woman will react or what she will assume because you shouldn’t take responsibility for their reaction when you are proceeding in a God-honoring and respectful way.

Hey Kevin! I am exactly the same way and I understand your situation completely. I recently completed a personality test and I scored a 91st percentile in introversion, so when I say I am introverted, I mean it!

I face constant rejection, likely because I don’t get to know the person well before I ask. Like you, I don’t feel close to people in groups and would much prefer one-on-one, which is what a date is anyways. Extrovert typically have no problem striking casual conversations in public, even around others.

I have thought of online dating as well, as it bypasses the awkward “trying to be friends” stage. Intentions are up front and clear. I have also asked female friends (who are already in a relationship) to set me up with people they know, which is another option. Dating certainly is tricky for us introverts.

“At the end of the day, from the responses I got it was clear that woman still love to know that they are wanted, and part of their interest develops and grows from the simple act of being pursued. Sometimes, a woman’s interest is awakened when she learns that you are interested in her.”

I’m very glad to see this part, because it’s about my only shot with this girl. She’s interested in a guy who cannot reciprocate. At the same time, her best friend is encouraging me to go for it and has been very helpful in me getting to know this girl. I can only wait and hope she opens up to me.

Nice list! But I saw number 1 and actually thought “oh that is sooo not this woman.” I am NOT tuned into body language very much, and because of an eye problem I tend to feel self-conscious about sustained eye contact (or forget it entirely). Is this something a guy would be looking for to judge whether I’m interested, or is it okay if I’m communicating in other ways (attention, response, etc.)?

Related to that, I’m self-conscious enough that I worry that certain proximity, touching, whatever is going to be interpreted too much as “she’s a flirt.” Deb, do you have an article (or would you consider one) about the difference between showing interest and being a flirt? (what is appropriate interest without going too far?)

I’m similar. If I like someone I tend to avoid them or talk just enough when running across them so it just seems like a friendly thing and no more. I smile during these times, pay full attention, act extra girly, and try to gauge the guy and if he’s interested. I may ask a few questions slipped into the mutual conversation…but unless he follows up w/ interest I try to not let on. B/c then it’s awkward. It’s soo hard to be vulnerable in the relationship potential area. Friendship should come first but just that step can look like real interest. I’m confident in myself, I love who I am as a persn, partly b/c of real challenges I’ve faced. But, being vulnerable or looking desperate is such an uncomfortable feeling. I’d much rather have the guy pursue me…and take hints if I’m not interested. Having a guy pursue you and not listen when you say “just friends, no strings attached” and him thinking he can win you over is so stressful and awkward. How many ways can you say “not interested!”…saying “just friends,” extended reply times, denying him coming over to visit & bring soup when sick, multiple things. And he volunteered himself the same place I already was volunteering at, all on his own and behind my back. I always felt safe, never threatened. He’d protect me, he’d bend over backwards for me. But, I just was not all all attracted to him. He was too goofy and quite a bit older than me. I realize this goofyness fit well w/ his long time high school Christian group work but didn’t fit w/ me. And, he burned the friendship bridge w/ unwanted pursuit. I had JUST gotten out of a 1 yr relationship also and was grieving that and learning from it. That was one stressful semester.

I also think it is important not to compare. While all these things are true, guys need to not compare the girl they are interested to how other girls act. This confused my husband for a long time, before we started dating. Another girl had asked him out, dated him for a couple months, “broke up” when she decided she didn’t want a serious relationship at that point in life, but still flirted regularly. So it was really hard for him to tell I was interested, with my more introverted nature. He really needed to compare how i treated him to how I treated other guys. Not how I treated him compared to how other girls treated him. Eventually he figured it out 😉

These categories are great. But I think it is important to compare her body language, attention, responsiveness with you to her body language, attentiveness, responsiveness with other guys. Not if she is more attentive than other girls. Then you might see that you are special to her, not just that she is special to you. 🙂

I got sick of reading between the lines and trying to fully understand that a girlfriend’s word wasn’t what it really meant. Thank goodness that God shown me that I will not ever have to endure that crud again. By being single for the rest of my life, it means taking what is said at face value, and not being disappointed or brokenhearted when those words mean something totally different.

What if there’s a girl you like and you’re talking to her face to face and she gives you a lot of attention and laughs and talks to you but when you are texting her or something she doesn’t give you that much.