Sean Hannity Didn't Get the Hillary Clinton Sex Stories He Was Hoping For

Two more weeks. Fourteen days. It sometimes doesn't feel like enough time to cover all the history, supposed and otherwise, these presidential candidates have to offer. But sometimes you eat the news cycle and sometimes the news cycle eats you.

Sean Hannity booked the Clintons' elusive "Mister Fix-It," the West Wing Winston Wolf himself, handed him15precious minutes of Grade-A airtime, probably sent him a frigging Town Car—only to have the guy pour a big bucket of ice cold water on the horniest of Hillary fever dreams. "One of the reasons I wanted to come on your show is put things in a little less hyperbolic way," alleged Clinton family fixer Jeff Rovin explained. (Yep, she got to him.) "It's not my business," he proclaimed of the candidate's allegedly wild sex-life, "and it's nobody's business." Attilla the Han mounted a heroic effort to shovel some better words into the guy's mouth, but Rovin made like a toddler with a spoonful of mashed peas. A typical exchange went like this:

"The important message to get out," Rovin summed up lamely, "is the election is too important to focus on this salacious material…. I hope that this stuff is so unpalatable that we just stop." Um, yeah. That's not gonna happen. But we've still got the Alt-RightConspiracy Image Generator.

James O'Keefe, the Alan Funt of the alt-right, just dropped a sizzlingnew cut in which strategist Robert Creamer appears to implicate Hillary Clinton in a scheme to have people dress up as Donald Duck to stalk her Republican rival. Silly as that sounds (*duck voice*), it may represent improper coordination between the campaign and a super PACs. So did Hillary break the law? If it quacks like a duck...

A demonstrator wearing a Donald Duck costume dances in front of the Trump International Hotel during the hotel's first day of business September 12, 2016 in Washington, DC.

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Then again, why even bother when George Soros is rigging the vote outright? Apparently the billionaire bogeyman is super tight with a guywho runs a voting machine company that might—but then again might not—have supplied machines to a number of states. Our advice: never vote.

Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comic strip, has apparently become the victim of a massive conspiracy by Facebook and Periscope to commit "treason against the United States" by silencinghis brillianttalking points about how Trump won't actually unleash nuclear Armageddon. If "what people are saying" is true, he adds, "the company needs to die for the good of the Republic." But first, maybe clear the cache?

What could such an effort have turned up? Well, how about the notebooks of veteran New York society chronicler Michael Gross? Back in the anything-goes-'90s, when Gross was writing Model: The Ugly Business of Beautiful Women, he heard that Donald Trump allegedly hosted coke-fueledromps at the Plaza Hotel during which rich disgusting old dudes had sex with underage girls. "I was there to party myself," a former fashion photographer recalls. "It was guys with younger girls, sex, a lot of sex, a lot of cocaine, top-shelf liquor."

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