Lucifer, Jehovah Respond to Former Speaker of the House John Boehner

Lucifer, Jehovah Respond to Former Speaker of the House John Boehner

HELL—Former Speaker of the House John Boehner made headlines on Thursday, April 28, 2016 for his remarks regarding GOP presidential hopeful Ted Cruz. In a startling declaration during a talk at Stanford University, Boehner condemned the accused Zodiac killer as being “Lucifer in the flesh.”

Unsurprisingly, Lucifer was dissatisfied with the comparison.

“Do not get me wrong,” the devil said, “I understand the former Speaker’s frustration with the current political landscape. But I daresay I smell a bit better than Mr. Cruz, even with the sulfur.”

Lucifer is not alone in his voicing his disapproval regarding the former Speaker’s comments. Multiple colleagues and sources close to the devil claim the comparison is unfair.

“I served with Lucifer. I know Lucifer. Lucifer is a friend of mine,” said Jehovah. “Ted Cruz is no Lucifer.”

Others claim the reputation Lucifer has cultivated over the years is unwarranted.

“People really have the wrong idea about him,” said Grayson Bailey, former pastor and one-time political candidate. “I certainly did. But with Lucifer, you always know where you stand. He’s fair and straightforward. I haven’t paid attention to Earth politics much since [redacted], but I feel it’s safe to say that most politicians aren’t even in Lucifer’s league.”

Though Lucifer and his staff are often involved with human politics, he is reportedly taking a break during this election cycle.

“It seems [the candidates] are doing a perfectly good job sending the country to Hell without my involvement,” Lucifer said. “They leave me with little to do.”

When it comes to remarks made by political figureheads, however, Lucifer claims Boehner’s remarks are fairly standard.

“They have to get to me eventually,” he said. “They have already exhausted their yearly allotment of Hitler references.”

Lucifer and his staff of Seven Deadly Sins can be found in Hell’s Bells. The devil respectfully requests that all press inquiries go to Pixley, curator of the Arbor Scientiae.