Nearly everything that comes out of Bristol Palin’s mouth hole is a certified lie. Two cases in point: 1) When she told everyone that she was keeping her legs closed, because abstinence is the only way, she was going to Fuck Town on the Bareback Highway. 2) When she said in her depressing pregnancy announcement that she really wants privacy, she meant that she wants everybody to pay attention to her as much as possible. Because Bristol threw up more words on her blog yesterday and she had something to say to the “giddy a$$holes” who called her out as the hypocrite she is. (Side note: “Giddy asshole” sounds like the condition my no-no gets when I look at pictures of Prince Hot Ginge.)

On Friday, Bristol posted that picture above on Instagram with the caption: “update: this is still how much I care about anything negative .. #prolife God is good, happy Friday!!” Bristol continued to show that she doesn’t care about the haters by shitting up a long ass post dedicated to them. Because the tone of Bristol’s pregnancy announcement was about as happy as a terminal cancer announcement and because her wedding to that Dakota Meyer dude was canceled, everyone with at least half a brain cell figured that she’s knocked up with a whoopsie baby. But Bristol writes that her pregnancy was planned….. and two seconds later she says that “things didn’t go as planned.” In other words, along with the word “abstinence,” “planned” is a word that Bristol doesn’t know the definition of.

So here are the things you should all get straight before you continue to mock me, judge me, and talk about me.

None of us are perfect.

I made a mistake, but it’s not the mistake all these giddy a$$holes have loved to assume.

This pregnancy was actually planned.

Everyone knows I wanted more kids, to have a bigger family. Believing I was heading that way, I got ahead of myself. Things didn’t go as planned, but life keeps going. Life moves on.

But I do not regret this baby. This baby is not a disappointment, and I cannot wait to be a mom times two. Tripp is going to make the best big brother!!

I was going to say that maybe Bristol has baby brain, but you need to have a brain in order to have baby brain.

As for the “haters” correctly labeling her as a hypocrite for preaching abstinence when she was boning it up, Bristol says that she was never a paid “abstinence spokesperson” and says her job at the Candie’s Foundation was to talk about the challenges of being a teen mom or some shit. Bristol must have forgot about how the Candie’s Foundation filled her checking account with hundreds of thousands of dollars to tell teens to put a closed sign on their genitals until marriage.

Bristol ended her chopped word salad by spitting out some words that translate into: “Dear pro-life organizations, I’m available to be your spokesperson for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Wink. Wink.”

I know you remember me most from when Mom ran for Vice President. However, I’m not 17 anymore, I am 24. I’ve been employed at the same doctor’s office for over six years now; I own a home; I have a well-rounded, beautiful son.

Here’s what I have spoken out about. Life.

On this blog and at a few pro-life events.

When I realized I was pregnant, I knew I would be completely crucified. But I never even thought of aborting this child, NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCE. (Sorry to the ghouls at Gawker, who said this baby is an argument FOR abortion. Not happening.)

I am pregnant. This is not the ideal situation, but life is important even if it’s not in the most absolute ideal circumstance. This is more confirmation on what I’ve always stood for. I’ve always been pro-life and I am standing for life now.

Deal with it.

You know, Bristol would probably be a lot happier and our eye rolling muscles would be a lot less overworked if she just stopped doing the backstroke in the River of Denial and said, “I like to fuck and my fiancé dumped me after the raw nut some guy busted in me turned into a baby. The end.” I mean, it’s happened to all of us!

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