I seem to have a greater and automatic focus on experiencing the world through my senses. It’s difficult to explain what I mean by this, but there’s certainly a very “this world” focus on the one hand, though my mind often seems to go blank or be clear.

The “tiredness” has returned lately; I feel like a kind of blanket is held over the front of my brain, and thinking, as well as writing, becomes a kind of effort that has to be made. Lying in bed, very still, can create a great deal of bliss for me; last night, I lay in bed and had a heating pad on my head to help keep me warm, and I felt such incredible bliss there unlike what I normally feel.

Certain sexual energies seem to be lessening for me; this isn’t consistent, but sexual pleasure seems to have been stripped from me to some degree. It’s just as well, as through the Holy Spirit, I have experienced a fullness and completeness that sexuality has never granted me.

Another recent insight I’ve had lately is that what I truly want is Nirvana, not only for myself, but for all sentient beings, as the Buddhists would say; my most fervent prayer to God is for everyone, even my worst enemies, even Satan itself, to be brought to salvation in Nirvana; Nirvana not only for myself but for everyone and everything. This is the only true purpose that can exist in reality.

The completeness of the Holy Trinity has been revealed in the Holy Spirit, and yet I am left without a particular abstraction or mental construct by which to express the completeness. God is never-ending; God is always-continuing; God is eternal, but not eternal in a way which seems suffocating or crushing; God’s eternity is simply beyond words that explain what’s happening. There is no lacking in God, while in humans, we seem to have a very basic nature of “lack.”

I lay in bed last night and felt my prayer going to God, my glorification of God, while the true glorifying agent is the Holy Spirit, God the Mother, praising God through me. Suffice it to say that God the Mother offers God the Son to God the Father through us, in a Mystery of God that is profound and deep and that I cannot begin to explain; we may participate in this by surrendering ourselves willingly to God, but it seems rather like God’s actually got all the bases covered, and we’re not really necessary in the process too terribly much. It’s almost as though I observe something happening but don’t cause it to happen.

Anyway, there was a sense of completeness in glorifying God; not glorification in the sense of petition or because I wanted anything, but because it is the nature of man to want to honor and praise something greater than himself.

And of course, the glorification is a sense of fullness and joy, mixed often with longing; it isn’t the corny sort of modern Christian worship that’s hollow and devoid of the very things it seeks to express. This is different; this is more; this is REAL. There’s something substantial here.

Several times, I’ve also noticed that I don’t have the same kind of arousal of emotions as I used to; this isn’t consistent, but during this period, it’s rare for me to experience extreme emotions, either good or bad. Instead, there’s a kind of constant steadiness in the tiredness. I do have emotions that appear at times, though the cognitive component seems at times to be worse than any kind of physical passion associated with it.

Things have begun to deepen or lighten up. The threshold is giving way into an unknown territory, the unknown land that we’ve all been to before but have forgotten.

I am standing again the Presence of God, but this is a different facet of God, a dark facet that I have rarely encountered.

The religion of the stars has returned to me, the Meta-Religion of mankind, the religion of the soul of which each and every religion and tradition in the world expresses a part, an aspect, an image.

It’s true, it’s easy to get lost in the practices, in the theology, in the images, but when reality intrudes, when God comes home, there’s no room for argument.

I’ve said “FUCK YOU” to God more times in the past year than I would’ve ever dared thinking of doing before. But I did it, and I have survived in whatever way, despite the momentary flashes of my survival instinct.

It is strange that only when I became absolutely hateful and irreverent towards God that God would dare reveal Itself. It counter-intuitive, it goes against everything that I ever believed or understand; it was only when I embraced Satan, when I embraced all the evil and hatred boiling inside of me as a paradox of my personality, as a contrast to the kind-hearted, generous, caring part of myself, that God began to crack through into my life in a more substantial way.

This process if far from over, but apparently, God wants me to be an asshole, at least part of the time. So I’m going to go with it.

In Forrest Gump, there’s a scene where Forrest and Lieutenant Dan are on a ship, and Dan constantly curses God, screaming and yelling at Him, challenging Him, going against Him, defying Him however he can…and I never put together the fact that the next scene is that Forrest and Dan’s ship is the ONLY ship that survives the storm.

So maybe the essence of it is courage. Maybe the essence of it is that God wants us to fight Him, to put a challenge, but not for His sake- for our sake, so that we can be shown how strong we truly are, so we can see our true colors, our true nature, whether that truth is good or bad.

But then, God is above and beyond taking offense, it would seem. God dances in the starlight He created, not caring about who would blaspheme Him or not.

It’s amazing. This Christmas has been a strange one so far, but the whole meaning of the Incarnation and so makes more and more sense. The Mystery of Christ is never exhausted. The Mystery of the Blessed Virgin is never exhausted.
I think that the darkness cannot comprehend the light, and I think that what we so often refer to as “Light” is actually only a prophet, testifying to the Light.

1In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

2The same was in the beginning with God.

3All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.

4In him was life; and the life was the light of men.

5And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.

6There was a man sent from God, whose name was John.

7The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe.

8He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light.

Those few verses speak of all kinds of cosmology. This the unfolding of the universe: unbound light that shines into matter that cannot process and reproduce the true nature of the Light, and then the human mind seeing traces and patterns of the Light in the world, but not itself being the Light.

Gnosticism, as with any tradition, can get things wrong, and I think so often that Gnosticism is conceived of in terms of our precious spirits being trapped in our awful bodies, and that what we must ultimately do is break free from the bodies to return to God.

But the issue here is that perhaps this is not what Sophia meant to do in placing the spirit in Adam in the first place. Rather, I think the myth illustrates something else happening- this is Our Lady’s way of redeeming the material world that ultimately belongs to Her and the Lord Jesus Christ anyway.

Our mission here, in these bodies, is not about escaping them or the material universe. Rather, our mission is to draw God fully and completely into this world, to take what the Demiurge has messed up and liberate it. We are here to free matter, we are here to liberate the material universe from the Demiurge; we are here not only to participate in the Redemption that Christ afforded us, but we are here to continue the Redemption for the entire cosmos .

So truly the act of Salvation from Jesus Christ is not simply a matter of His saving us; he enjoins us to save His world, to truly emulate Him, to truly be Christ-like.

The Name “Sophia” does not mean “Wisdom” for no reason at all, and here we see that She, too, participates in the plan of Salvation.

I sense a new era dawning. Whether or not this is merely personal or something that’s happening collectively that thus becomes personal, I cannot say, but the vibrations and underlying world view that I have is beginning to shift again and has been for a little over a month. What is the mystery that is being unveiled, I wonder? What is it that God is trying to tell us?

Today is a calm, sleepy day. The Grace of God will pour out soon, Amen, Amen.

Some criticize the New Agers for thinking happy thoughts and wanting to create a fluffy world of light.

But what we don’t hear criticized on the opposite end are the extremely pessimistic, negative people who claim that there is no end to suffering, that there is no truth, and so on and so forth.

To these people, I have two things to make note of.

First, if there is no end to suffering for the individual, then why pursue mysticism at all? Buddhists especially who spew this ilk seem to have missed the basis of the Four Noble Truths. If meditation and prayer, if a dedication to God and so on and forth doesn’t eventually lead to the end of suffering, then why are we pursuing it? Just to have something to do, to distract ourselves as the time goes by until we die? Then why not take up knitting or play air hockey instead?

Second, in all likelihood, if you’re still experiencing all kinds of negative emotions, enough to suggest that suffering never ends, the likelihood of your having made the full journey and existing in the final state of Nirvana is not high at all. In other words, you need to keep going and shut up and stop with the acting superior to the people who want an actual end to their suffering. Christ suffered a great deal in his passion and crucifixion, but in the end, he resurrected to a glorious existence.

I’m still going through a lot of depression, and it’ll be like that for a few minutes, then suddenly be gone, and I’ll feel confident and capable. This is a rapid-cycle spiral of some sort, and I have no idea in what it’s going to end. Hopefully it leads to Nirvana.

For the third time in my life, Christianity has become this muddled, lost Void of confusion, and I don’t know what to do.

But the insight that I’ve had with it this time is incredibly interesting.

Among my group of mystics, we discuss how we pick up the energy of other people who are around us. This is a difficult point of the journey, where we’re strong enough to sense the energy and emotional states of others but not necessarily strong enough to keep ourselves from absorbing the energy.

The reason we absorb the energy seems to stem from a number of sources. Rarely is anything ever so linear, rarely is anything simply the consequence of one thing. The layers, here, will be considered.

First, it is possible that we take on the negativity of others as a matter of purging ourselves of karma as well as purging others of karma. Perhaps it is a method of purification.

But more likely than that, it is that we take the energy into ourselves because we become of aware of it and are without a means of defending ourselves, at least in the psychological sense.

The reason for this happening is simple. In our culture, the predominant image of the Self, the archetype that resonates most profoundly with us, is Jesus Christ. The whole process of taking the energy of others into ourselves and thus suffering in their place is synonymous with the vicarious atonement of Christ, who takes on the “sins of mankind” and then serves as the sacrifice for them.

To realize that I had been encountering this archetype for so long and that I was doing just that blew my mind. I realized I had been taking into myself the karmas and energies of others for such a long time, in the process of my concern with other people, their problems, their thoughts and opinions, and so on and so forth. This, coupled with my realization of having forsaken myself, all fit together- I had been unconsciously living a quintessentially Christian life, as to die for the sins of others makes one quite Christ-like.

However, the real problem lies in that there was never a true death. My ego has not died, nor my Higher Self. Thus what was happening was the equivalent of being nailed to the cross and suffering endlessly, with never a moment of completing the sacrifice and the overall purgation of the karmas/sin.

This means that some vital information about Christianity was left out as this particular image of Christ had formed inside of me, and that I was never given the strength, energy, information, or what have you to finish the sacrifice and push onwards.

So the Christ archetype, or image or what have you, had to go, or has to go.

Upon reflection, I wondered if maybe this was not the archetype of Christ that was going, but rather that I was rebelling against an image of Christ, a falsely created image that had been impressed upon me through Christian theology early on.

I cannot say that I am completely out of the control of the image or know at this point if it’s even possible for me to be free from its control.

Mostly, the problems lately and especially those dealing with Christ have focused on the Svadisthana chakra, which is the sacral or second chakra up from the bottom of the human body. This chakra roughly corresponds to the second seven years of one’s own life, from ages 7 to 14, and it is, in fact, in those years that I was most conditioned with fundamentalist Christianity and blinded by the darkness thereof.

So the question of what’s going on is still in my mind. I do know that things have to change, and that I cannot take on the responsibility of other people’s problems and negative energies at this point- I am not capable of doing that, I am not strong enough to do that, I cannot solve it and always be the strong one, for it seems too often that I’m in need of the savior but am forced to be not only my own savior but that of other people.

That doesn’t mean compassion is tossed to the wayside or completely neglected. Rather, it means that my default mode of interacting with the world cannot be one in which people’s energy hits me without my consent. Instead, I must be able to stand my ground, have my energy be as powerful and good as possible, and help them in that way.

I’m not Jesus. And I don’t want to be Christ-like at this point if it means that my entire world is constantly destroyed. If I have no sanity, if I have no energy of my own, then how can I possibly help anyone else? This is a very difficult thing to admit to myself and to anyone else, and no doubt it would upset any number of Christian friends of mine to hear me make these statements.

But perhaps the reality of the situation is much different. Bernadette Roberts insists that Christ was born enlightened, into the unitive state, and thus his sacrifice was actually the entry into the No-Self state and not into the No-Ego state. By that token, my understanding of Christ, as far as the one that’s been affecting me, has been completely and utterly incorrect this whole time, and now is the time to expel the image.

Maybe this is what is meant by “false gods” and “idols” in the Ten Commandments. I’m not sure, though.

The other day, I read an article that was criticizing Anne Rice about her leaving the Catholic Church. The writer, a rather nasty Catholic, insisted that Anne was now “free to do what Protestants have been doing for 500 years- create Jesus in her own image.”

Excuse me, but let’s be quite frank here: the Catholic Church, too, has created “Jesus in their own image,” so how dare he make any such statement about Anne and Protestants? The Catholic Jesus only exists because the heretics were killed off or went into hiding, and indeed, the Church has a problem with spewing its ideas about Holiness and confusing Holiness with Authoritarianism.

However, I am highly sympathetic to Catholics in general, but I have huge problems with the Priesthood and the theologians who actually don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

But what would Christ mean, then, on His own terms? The whole theological matter seems to be rather wide open at this point, and I think if it is important, it will be revealed later on to me.

How the experience began, I won’t bring myself to say just now, but we’re going to be discussing a few different things that happened, starting last night.

First, I phoned my friend Rheana; we had discussed hanging out and doing spiritual work, but she was rather tired and couldn’t. She mentioned a certain meditation involving the Heart Chakra called the Twin Hearts meditation, which involves visualizing the Earth in your hands and sending love from the Heart Chakra into the Earth, covering everything with love and giving love to every being in the world.

I took it upon myself to do this meditation later in the evening, and then, I tried to go to sleep.

That’s when the vibrations began.

If you’ve read Daughter of Fire by Irina Tweedie, she talks of these vibrations coming at night quite frequently.

Necessarily, the energy was coming from the Root Chakra and the Sex Chakra- largely where the kundalini is stored.

The energy created all kinds of wonderful feelings of bliss and happiness, of pure infinitude and purity and love and goodness. The intensity was such that it was exhausting the ego, and I must say that I do like this method of destroying the ego with too much happiness more than destroying he ego with too much suffering.

My dreams were not as pleasant, which was a surprise. A few different issues came up, most of which I was able to confront when I awoke, but not totally.

Then when I awoke today, I was getting ready for work, had gone to the kitchen, and the Grace of God HIT, just in a moment. One second it wasn’t there, and the next second it was, and good grief, it just got better and better and better and I felt happier and happier and happier. The bottom two chakras again seemed to “loosen up,” and the energy moved up to my head.

What exactly was going on there, I can’t explain. Reality seemed okay on every front. I think the Higher Self may have disappeared temporarily in addition to the Ego. Maybe this is the PCE of which the Actual Freedomists speak. However, I noted that I didn’t come to the same conclusions as other people who claim the state of No-Self, but then again, I wasn’t in it for longer than half an hour.

One thing that I did notice was that there’s a sense of friendliness with the universe. To put it bluntly, the experience was like being best friends with every atom in the universe. There was no loneliness or isolation or low self-esteem; everything was as it should be, and life was great. My energy or matter was in harmony with all energy and matter.

Another aspect of the experience was the relaxation, the calmness. No tension in the body, no stress, no unpleasantness, no sense burden of Self. Very, very intriguing.

I wish that experience would happen again. I’ve waited and waited for the wonderful, clear world to return. It’s just all-around GOOD.