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Random 5 Monday… on a Thursday

February 1, 2018

Ok ya’ll… we really did try to do another VLOG for you, but… see… what had happened was:

The first time we did it, I apparently didn’t hit the record button. We realized this by the time we got to #4.

NUMBER FOUR!!!

So, we started over. And this time we got all the way through #4, but had to pause it and move to a different location. We finished the video at my house.

Now we had a Random 5 in two different clips. No problem, I’ll just download some video editing software, watch a couple YouTube tutorials and Bob’s your uncle, I can merge the clips and we will be in business.

First, let me just say… LightWorks is not the program for “quick” anything. At least not for a novice. I’m no rocket scientist and I’m pretty sure there are people with lower IQs than me working this ridiculous program just fine, but I am just not wrapping my head around it. Yet. Give me some time. I WILL NOT SURRENDER!

Second, when I was attempting to edit, somewhere along the way the audio got out of sync with the video so it looked like Sam and I were starring in some cheap film production. All the sudden our mouths were moving but the words weren’t audible for another 2-3 seconds, so we basically made a short Japanese movie without the martial arts.

COMPLETE DISASTER

So here I am, typing what was supposed to be a VLOG, so you all can at least READ the dang Random 5 for this week.

I promise to figure out how to edit video and make pretty compilations with all sorts of trickery. Today is not the day, but soon.

Let’s get started.

#1 – The best advice I’ve received so far this year! “Upsize and point the winkie down.”

I’m in a FB group called Juggling the Jenkins Blog Group. If you haven’t heard of Tiffany Jenkins or her book, High Achiever, you need to look her up. She’s on all forms of social media, but I love her blog Juggling The Jenkins. Or you can check out her YouTube channel here. She’s amazing and the group is pretty incredible. She does a lot of work for people in recovery from addiction. I maybe almost sort of stalk her. I mean, I did send her a message on YouTube. And on her blog. Oh, and there was the one SnapChat video I sent her. But that’s it. Basically, we are like besties, except she hasn’t responded. To Anything. But I know that’s because she’s busy with her kiddos and work and giving speeches and doing book signings and stuff. It’s not because she’s afraid of me.

Anyway, so this group is filled with super cool people and I’ve noticed a lot of them are moms with diaper-age kids at home. Gavibaby is having problems leaking at night in his Huggies and I figured these people would tell me their opinions on diaper brands, because maybe the Huggies brand just sucks now. I mean, the last diaper kid I had is now 23. Maybe Huggies isn’t the shiznit like it used to be, right?

So I type my question, put up an adorable pic of GaviBaby and press post.

120 comments later…

The general consensus is to upsize his nighttime diapers and point the winkie down!

The first time I read it, it made me giggle. I thought, this must be a joke or something. She’s probably pranking me. Nope. A million others said the exact same thing. I mean they all recommended different brands of diapers that have worked for them, but nearly ALL. OF. THEM. told me to go up a size in diapers at night and point that Peter downward.

I’ve never laughed and giggled and pointed at my phone so much. It literally entertained me for a couple hours.

Hey, but guess what! It totally works. We bought Gavi some Huggies Overnights in a size up and started making sure all parts pointed South and I’ll be darned, we’ve not had a leak since.

You’re welcome.

#2 – The time North Korea invaded our home. And our home alone. In Moore, Oklahoma.

Last weekend was super weird.

Saturday morninga cop rolls down our dead-end street and stops right in front of our house. Andrew of course gets up and peeks through the blinds like a weirdo and when he comes back to the living room he says the cop just left. Didn’t get out of his car or anything. Stopped. And left.

Saturday afternoon, early evening, our walls start rattling and lamps are shaking. It sounds like a helicopter is right over our house, super low. Again, Andrew jumps up and this time he goes outside to see what’s going on. He comes back in and says, “Yup that was a big bird.” Or something like that. There’s a word for big ass chopper but I can’t remember it. Ghetto Bird. I think. Anyway, he was pretty nonchalant about it, like it was normal for some military sized helicopter to HOVER OVER OUR HOME!

Now, here’s where you need a little back story: Andrew has a nephew who is… shall we say… a little anxious about the inevitable zombie apocalypse or the North Korean invasion situation. Whichever comes first, he’s totally prepared. He’s got cases of water and canned goods stored in his garage. I MEAN CASES AND CASES. Like, enough to feed your family for a year kind of deal. He’s also told me he knows where he’s going when “it” happens. A cave. In the mountains. He’s got it all lined out, right? And he’s urged me to do the same.

Back to last weekend.

Saturday night. I’m asleep and I have a terrible dream. Like the kind of dream that leaves you breathless, heart pounding and you break out in a sweat. It was gnarly! I remember there being shouting outside my house, “ALL CLEAR!” and little Korean men running around on all sides of our house ready to invade. Kyle, the nephew, warned me when we see little Korean men repelling from choppers and military planes he would already be safe in his cave. That they were just going to start dropping out of the sky with their little guns and start shooting! So I’m freaking out in my dream, man. I can’t wake up. I can’t move. I can only hear them coming. I’m frozen. Stuck. I don’t know where the damn cave is, I don’t have any friggin food hoarded. What the heck are we going to drink? Like I’m freaking out that we haven’t got a plan! THEY ARE HERE!

I finally shake out of the dream and take a few deep breaths, carefully listen for anything suspicious outside our bedroom window, take a sip of water and go back to sleep. The clock read 3:32.

The next morning when Andrew and I are getting up I tell him about my dream, my very, very vivid dream, and he laughs at me.

I’m all, “That’s rude, jerk. It was pretty intense and I thought we were all going to die!”

He’s laughing and shaking his head, “The TV was on last night. COPS marathon.”

Needless to say, the North Korean invasion I heard was an episode of COPS.

Moron.

#3 – Essential items in a make-up bag.

Sam and I are at the office on Tuesday and we are trying to throw on some makeup before we record the VLOG. You remember, the VLOG I trashed because it was too much like a Bruce Lee movie, if he were talking instead of fighting. I have this little black Ipsy bag with all my make-up in it. I mean ALL. Every piece of make-up I have fits in a bag the size of my hand.

I look over at Sam and she’s opening a SUITCASE. It’s all flowery and has a zipper that almost takes the lid completely off. Enormous.

She looks at me and says, “Do you have a mirror?”

Ok look, I’m already dumbfounded at the sheer size of her bag of tricks, but you’d think that sucker would come with at least ONE MIRROR.

Nope. Nada. I guess she just drags her Loreal Luggage around from bathroom to bathroom contouring and brushing on 37 powders.

Speaking of brushing… there are 13 brushes in there of varying sizes. Some came with jars, some are inside of jars, some are just laying around in there willy nilly. There’s one in there that could pretty much cover the entire side of my face with just one stroke.

I don’t get it. I have one brush. One powder (with a mirror). One eyeliner. One mascara. And a pair of tweezers.

She has about 9 different eyeshadow compacts. There aren’t even 9 seasons.

I wish I had a picture of our bags side by side. Do I have a mirror? Snort, snort.

#4 – My mom steals things.

Ok, she doesn’t steal things but she does take fruit. Apples to be more specific.

One of her doctor’s offices has a little coffee bar area and they always have a basket with several apples in it. It never fails, as soon as we get in the door my mom makes a B-line for the coffee bar area and opens up her purse big and wide. Then she starts shoving the apples in, one by one, until she’s got them all! Sometimes she leaves one or two, but I think that’s just because they won’t comfortably fit in her purse.

Red-faced and embarrassed I’m all looking around to see if anyone is looking.

“Mom! Stop stealing the apples!”

Her reply. Every single time. “They are complimentary. And I want to make a fruit salad.”

For the love of all that’s holy and pure! She cracks me up.

Nobody says anything to her, but I feel like I need to bring a bag of apples to the next appointment as an apology for my klepto-mama.

#5 – The Orangutan story.

We really did record it. Sam told all the embarrassing details. But we aren’t using the video so, I guess you’ll never know.

Want the short version? MY version?

When we go camping at Eufaula, sometimes I accidentally stay up late with the guys thinking I can handle it. Sam on the other hand, is much smarter than me and goes to bed. I keep saying, “I’m going to follow your lead, Sam.” And then I wake up the next morning feeling like a freight train slammed into my cerebellum. It doesn’t happen every time, but more often than it should.

Anyhoodle, one night Sam heads to bed and I stay up with the fellas. We are passing around a bottle of 99 Bananas. Which is the devil by the way. They also have a couple other bottles of stuff and we are just yapping and laughing and listening to music… and passing around those bottles.

I’m sitting down. So I don’t really know that I’ve quite possibly hit my limit 49 swigs ago. It’s when I get up to go pee I realize I’m not sober anymore. Not even close. In fact, the steps to get up into Sam’s camper are a serious challenge to maneuver. But I hurl myself in there and stumble all the way back to the bathroom. I go pee.

The End.

I mean that’s the end of what I remember. Until Andrew came inside to get me. And by get me, I mean wake me up.

He opens up the bathroom door to find me sitting on the commode, pants around my ankles and my head leaned against the closet door… taking a nap.

He says he came in there twice and I yelled at him the first time, but I think that’s crap. I remember waking up and asking him, “Can we go home now?”

Our camper is right across the campground street and I wasn’t entirely sure I could make it. And I’m almost positive I fell on Chase’s head, who was sleeping on the table/bed thing right outside Sam’s bathroom. Or at least he was attempting to sleep. Sorry Chaser, I love you!

So the next morning, or afternoon (I’m pretty sure it was afternoon when I actually made it out of our camper) I come bumbling over to Sam’s camp and say, “Ugh! I feel like I’ve been making out with a damn orangutan!”

99 Bananas. It’s no bueno.

That’s all for this week’s Random 5 folks. I hope you found some laughter!

I apologize for the delay in posting, and the lack of photos. I just wasn’t prepared.