The Chaos Index, Week 9: It’s The Season Of The Living Dead

This is one of those years where, whether it’s your coach or your whole freaking team, yours is a rather undead season, particularly as we wish Baylor, Nebraska, and West Virginia the best as they exit the national stage for points unknown but probably connected to a mid-level bowl game.

What do you think the odds are that we spend New Year’s Eve watching Bama stomp U-Dub while Clemson and Crazy Jim’s Winged Warriors throw down for the opportunity get destroyed on national television? Meanwhile, we’ve seen Charlie Strong and Brian Kelly totter back from the brink…just before some pre-Thanksgiving unfortunate event throws two very self-important fanbases back into a festive holiday tizzy.

And now, let’s meet this week’s undead:

The Big 12 – What? You didn’t really believe that West Virginia and Baylor were playoff contenders, did you? Now, if you all could just get Louisville to quickly change leagues, there’d be a little at the end of the tunnel that isn’t attached to an oncoming train. So…about that whole expansion dealybob…

Chicago Cubs – Yep, we’re still putting a baseball team in a college football snark column. Deal with it. Anyway, can you say 109 years?

Michigan State – It won’t be 109 years until little brother rises from the crypt, but it won’t be two years either.

Baylor – Jim Grobe looks a tad less spooktacular than he did a week ago, eh Bears?

Tennessee – You’re trailing Kentucky in the SEC East, Vols? Dang, that is some serious messedupedness. Injuries aside, so much for turning the corner this year.

Ohio State – Going kaboom at Penn State is one thing. Almost going kaboom at home to Northwestern is decidedly another. The likelihood of things really going splat Thanksgiving weekend are increasing exponentially.

Boise State – At least the Broncs know they’ll have January 2nd free for whatever festive activities they’d like to engage in as a replacement for meaningful football.

Florida State – Time to start dreamily doodling the words “Belk Bowl”, assuming of course that the ‘Noles can work their way past Syracuse and Wake Forest in the division standings. Okay, so we kid. Y’all might still make the Russell Athletic Bowl. If only there was an F somewhere in that name so the HBC could officially declare, “You Can’t Spell Russell Athletic Bowl without FSU.”

Missouri – Remember when Mizzou was the belle of the SEC East? Boy, are those days ever in the rear view mirror.

Miami – And here you thought that starting 4-0 meant that the Recovering From The Golden Years plot was a short story. Apparently, it isn’t.

Georgia – Yet, even though we know that Mark Richt isn’t going to be a quick fix in Coral Gables, are you folks feeling just a little bit skittish about that decision to run him out of Dodge last year? (And if you aren’t, why not?)

Iowa State – Oops, they didn’t do it again, and that’s three near misses in four weeks. If there were an award for just missing the big upset, the Cyclones would win that sucker year in and year out.

Ole Miss – Giving up 112 points in three games means it’s time to retire the whole Landsharks deal and return to dreaming of escaping the division cellar.

Boring College – 21 points and a conference win? Suhweet! Anyway, have y’all fired Steve Addazio yet, or are you proud of being the worst .500 ballclub ever?

Virginia – Nice upset try, ‘Hoos – y’know, give or take the last 18 seconds! Pity the season’s disappearing into the haze, isn’t it? See what we did there?

Kansas – Still awful after all these years! It’s a good thing that West Virginia didn’t suffer an extremely disappointing loss right before next week’s game. With any luck at all, the Hawks can build on last week’s season-best 53-point and get into the 60’s this week.

UCLA – If the over/under on Bruin rushing yards this week isn’t a negative number, bet the under. At least the backup quarterback is thriving. And sure he’s in Japan, but still…

Louisville @ Houston – Remember when this game was either Louisville’s chance to get back in the playoff picture or Houston’s chance to lock up a spot? Good thing the Cards pulled that comeback or this sucker would have lost all of its luster instead of just half of it, now that Houston’s season has turned into a series of banana peel slips – not that that’s doing the Ville any favors either.