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psychlady, Counselor

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Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues

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hi , i was with a woman for 5 years who was very unstable ,

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hi , i was with a woman for 5 years who was very unstable , she initially cheated on me after a year or so & beeged me to forgive her & stay with her , i did.we floundered through the next 3 or 4 years , one day she loved me the next she would withdraw, eventually towards the end of our time together she viciously came out to me that she had actually repeatedly cheated on me with different men & had kept it a secret for years . we broke up & went our separate ways , i dated a few women but wasnt feeling the desire to commit so withdrew from dating for 2 years using the excuse to myself i was working on me.while we were apart she had a child with a man whom she slept with twice & has not seen since.so after my 2 years alone i met a lady through work & dated her for a month before she ended it , incredibly i went to the exes house & was told by her how she was in an unhappy relationship , she showed me letters her partner had sent her questioning what was going wrong with them , she told me she wanted to be with me not him , so within a couple of weeks she had ended it with him & hooked up with me .we lasted only a couple of months , quite early on she asked me how i felt about her having contact with her ex , i replied i think that is a decision she should be making , long story short she left me to go back to him , now he has just had the audacity to ring me & tell me the whole time she was supposedly with me she was ringing him up begging him to take her back,i fully own the fact that i allowed her into my life but i seem to have this tendency to blame myself for what went wrong , i just feel so angry at her for treating me this way , im glad its over but i still seem to be paying an emotional price ,id really appreciate some feedback , thanks , brad.

Now is the time to really work on you. She behaved badly and that's all her. But you have to own the part you played. You have to figure out why you accepted such a negative relationship back. She obviously is a cheater but you accepted her back. What was the payoff. There is a difference between not thinking you deserve better and being too gullible. That is where you start. Why did you take her back. You find the reason, you find the problem. You should take some time to do some soul searching. You may just have to big a heart but use this time wisely. You can then figure out why you would take that chance. You can move forward by understanding this relationship. I would explore the quality that allows such a relationship and really begin to move away from negativity. Find a therapist in your area or take the self help avenue but work diligently on understanding what you will allow for yourself. It sounds like you trust others maybe a little too much. Either way you would benefit from working on the kinds of relationships you allow in your life. You do not cut off relationships cleanly and soon enough. These are called boundaries. Learn your boundaries and not allowing someone to cross them.

thankyou for youre response,i chose to allow this lady back into my life because ibeleived her words of unhappiness & i believed her words of how much she wanted me.i tried to re-create a fantasy from the past. i actually spoke directly to her about what my boundaries were as far as her wanting to have contact with her ex after she left him for me , i was clear in my words that i cant be with you if you want to play us of against each other , she made her choice to leave me to go back to him & ive got to behonest im glad she is his problem now.this guy rang me today after his mrs rang me yesterday , im guessing hes feeling threatened , dont care that much about him,i should as a fellow man , first time ive ever knowingly slept with a woman in a relationship.the driving reason behind me taking her back i beleive was my trust in the world, i have no problem with the reality she hurt me , again l its ok l its fuel for me to grow , its just sad thats all , i hoped she would have grown as a persosn since becoming a mum.

I hope she did too. You seem to have learned a lot and that is all we can really gain from this situation. It is positive that you realize that she is his problem. Let them have each other and next time try to instill boundaries early. You did nothing wrong so it is kind of sad.

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