I think I got an un-vitation today. From my brother. For Christmas dinner. What. The. fork.

My brother and I live in Toronto, our parents do not, but they are coming to Toronto for Christmas this year. My brother recently got engaged and his fiancée's parents invited us all over for Christmas dinner. I called him today to talk about plans, and we were talking about Christmas dinner. For reasons too complicated to explain here but which basically boil down to, "I think I hate your fiancée," I was making excuses as to why I couldn't come, and I added on at the end, "And plus the vegan thing, it's complicated." And he said, "Yeah, you'd basically have to bring your own meal." What? Yeah, because it's IMPOSSIBLE to have mashed potatoes without butter. Even though we all made Christmas dinner together last year and he knows exactly how forking easy it is to leave butter off things. And if the hosts are gracious enough to leave butter off things so I can eat them, I can bring a fabulous vegan entrée that everyone raves about anyway and then fights over the leftovers.

And to make matters worse, I was complaining about the un-vitation to a friend/co-worker today, and she made a face. I was all, "What? Am I being obnoxious?" And she kinda said I was. I said, "What would you do if you have someone with dietary requirements over?" She said, "They can eat whatever I make, or they can not eat, or they can eat their own food." Um, SERIOUSLY? That's the last time I bring you vegan cupcakes that you INHALE.

In short, I am kindof appalled at how inconsiderate some people can be. To my face, even.

Do you have a way to contact the hosts and ask them if you can bring them a tub of EB to use for the sides?

_________________"The Tree is His Penis"

The tree is his penis // it's very exciting // when held up to his mouth // the lights are all lighting // his eyes start a-bulging // in unbridled glee // the tree is his penis // its beauty, effulgent -amandabear

I agree with you, and I know that it is a real source of unhappiness for me with my mother-in-law.

I just feel like if you invite me home, hospitality would dictate that you make food that I can share with you, especially if you're my family. It feels like a ridiculous amount of work to have to make a full meal, transport it over to someone's home and then eat it as everyone else eats something different. And isn't the whole point to share food?

My mother-in-law's position is that she is providing a lovely meal and if people want something different they are free to bring it, which is pretty much the same as your coworker and my husband, who can't understand why going over to her house with my own food doesn't make me feel like a loved part of the family.

It sounds like something else is going on with your brother and his fiancee though, because you've made the meal before (was that with his future inlaws as well?) and he he knows that it isn't that hard.

But you don't want to go anyway, right?

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

It seems that nearly every relative/friend/host ever discussed on this board has no idea what this word means anymore. Scares me about the greater population. I really thing this concept has been banished to the basement along with cassettes and VCRs.

Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:03 pmPosts: 6308Location: The State Of No R's

You host a dinner, you provide for all. You invite people, you make sure everyone is included in the festivities. How hard is that to understand?

I don't understand when people invite someone over for dinner and then say, "Make sure you bring something you can eat." You're the host, you are supposed to make sure that everyone is included.

At least you're out of it though?

_________________"...anarchists only want to burn cars and punch cops."- nickvicious"We'll be eating our own words 30 years from now when we're demanding our legislators outlaw aerosol-based cyber dildo-wielding death holograms."- Brian

But anyway, I love cooking for people with different dietary requirements, like gluten free or whatever. I take it as a challenge. But I might just be weird like that. But I also get that some people don't like the challenge- they see Christmas dinner as a super big deal, and the one time they really cook something elaborate, and that's enough pressure for them without having to throw something they don't really understand into the mix. I agree that it would be nice for people to cater for you, and I love it when people do that for me, but I try to be pretty easygoing when they don't.

My partner's mother, for example, doesn't really like to cook, but still does the Christmas thing. So I try to help her out, like I'll cook something at hers that I can eat. That way she has one less thing to worry about, she can see me cooking and realise that vegan food isn't that difficult to make, and also we get to hang out. After having done that a few times, she now wants me to teach her a few recipes.

I don't really know what my point is here. I'm just one of those crazy people that turns up to the most low-key events with food for everyone. 'We're having a team meeting at work? I need to make a cake!'

I was making excuses as to why I couldn't come, and I added on at the end, "And plus the vegan thing, it's complicated." And he said, "Yeah, you'd basically have to bring your own meal."

I could be taking this wrong, but from my reading of your post I could see myself saying something like your brother did. He probably picked up what you were trying to do and was giving it right back. It doesnt sound like he out of the blue uninvited you and went out of his way to be rude. Find Jews and go eat chinese for Christmas. I promise its fun and easy to eat vegan.

I think that is lovely Errinerung, but is there a difference between you making some nice vegan dishes that everyone can share and bringing your own individual meal? I've brought food to my MILs and no one eats it. So I've made a whole pumpkin ziti and get to take it home at the end.

I would love it if it was like other family members I go to - I bring a vegan dish, there are a ton of other vegan dishes, along with the meat dishes, so there is a ton of great food for me and I feel like I am sharing the meal, I belong and am cared for.

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

What would you like to do ? Would you like to meet your brother's future in-laws with the rest of your family at THE dinner or do you want to avoid the whole saga?

You could meet every one before or after dinner - come with appetizers -visit then leave or come with dessert and or booze and visit after dinner.

After years of trying to deal with non-vegan family/friends, I'm getting better at seeing and developing options to socialize - though sometimes we omit the whole food thing and go do something else like skiing or skating.

I don't understand people who think they can have people over to their home and not provide food that they can eat. It just seems inconsiderate to me. Even my grandmother, who isn't in agreement with my veganism, always buys me tofu when I go over to her house.

I don't understand people who think they can have people over to their home and not provide food that they can eat. It just seems inconsiderate to me. Even my grandmother, who isn't in agreement with my veganism, always buys me tofu when I go over to her house.

if she came to your house, would you make her meat? a lot of omnis take the view that you can eat their food, you just don't want to, and they view that as inconsiderate. i'm not saying they're right, i'm just saying.

_________________"rise from the ashes of douchebaggery like a fancy vegan phoenix" - amandabear"I'm pretty sure the moral of this story is: fork pants." - cq

Last edited by acr on Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was making excuses as to why I couldn't come, and I added on at the end, "And plus the vegan thing, it's complicated." And he said, "Yeah, you'd basically have to bring your own meal."

I could be taking this wrong, but from my reading of your post I could see myself saying something like your brother did. He probably picked up what you were trying to do and was giving it right back. It doesnt sound like he out of the blue uninvited you and went out of his way to be rude. Find Jews and go eat chinese for Christmas. I promise its fun and easy to eat vegan.

Yeah, this. It is really inconsiderate (and, sometimes intentionally so) when others won't accomodate your dietary needs after inviting you to dinner. But, would your brother have said this had the conversation not started out with you trying to get out of eating with his fiancee? Was this even about him not caring about your food choices?

Your coworker is just clueless.

_________________"So often I wish Adam were a real boy." - interrobang?!"If he was you'd hear him farting at the back of your yoga class." - 8ball

I think that is lovely Errinerung, but is there a difference between you making some nice vegan dishes that everyone can share and bringing your own individual meal? I've brought food to my MILs and no one eats it. So I've made a whole pumpkin ziti and get to take it home at the end.

I guess my mind automatically goes to bringing a whole dish to share. Normal sized portions are for the strong-willed, and that's definitely not me.

All this is making me feel really fortunate that even the hardcore meat-eaters in my life will at least try whatever I bring. It's not like they have an ethical opposition to pasta or something. At least you got a whole baked ziti for yourself, that's a delicious plus!

In our family, I call up whoever's hosting and we plan the menu together. Usually there's still meat but enough of dishes will use rice milk and a veggie-butter. I may bring a dish, but if other people don't, I don't. Still on occasion, I will go out and buy rice milk or daiya for the host and drop it off beforehand.Also, my great aunt has issues with gluten, so we're used to dietary issues. When they managed to come down for last Easter (from Canada, not a short trip) we hunted down gluten-free crackers for the pie crust and my mom made a special cookie recipe that was meringue-based (none for me obviously, but when I'm my aunt's age I'm sure I'll get priority!). It was a great surprise for her, to be able to eat whatever she wanted at the table. Then we proceeded to drink too much wine, talk too much, probably laugh too loudly. Poor neighbors!

Everyone I love from my friends to my grandma works out something for me. Whatever happened to the guests' pleasure being a host's pleasure?

And to make matters worse, I was complaining about the un-vitation to a friend/co-worker today, and she made a face. I was all, "What? Am I being obnoxious?" And she kinda said I was. I said, "What would you do if you have someone with dietary requirements over?" She said, "They can eat whatever I make, or they can not eat, or they can eat their own food." Um, SERIOUSLY? That's the last time I bring you vegan cupcakes that you INHALE.

In short, I am kindof appalled at how inconsiderate some people can be. To my face, even.

That's bullshiitake. If the guest in question were diabetic or lactose intolerant or something, she would totally cook for them.

If I were to say "the vegan thing..." to anybody I know, I would have gotten the same answer. That comment sounds like you're leading the conversation to that point. Your brother might have just thought you wanted that way out and ended it at that. I wouldn't have been offended I don't think. BUT it's not okay if he was being ungracious. Poo

I don't understand people who think they can have people over to their home and not provide food that they can eat. It just seems inconsiderate to me. Even my grandmother, who isn't in agreement with my veganism, always buys me tofu when I go over to her house.

if she came to your house, would you make her meat? a lot of omnis take the view that you can eat their food, you just don't want to, and they view that as inconsiderate. i'm not saying they're right, i'm just saying.

Ya that's pretty true, people always point out to me that I CAN eat the food, I just CHOOSE not to. And then it gets into a big debate. Frustrating.

I don't understand people who think they can have people over to their home and not provide food that they can eat. It just seems inconsiderate to me. Even my grandmother, who isn't in agreement with my veganism, always buys me tofu when I go over to her house.

if she came to your house, would you make her meat? a lot of omnis take the view that you can eat their food, you just don't want to, and they view that as inconsiderate. i'm not saying they're right, i'm just saying.

Ya that's pretty true, people always point out to me that I CAN eat the food, I just CHOOSE not to. And then it gets into a big debate. Frustrating.

Would this apply to a Kosher guest? I feel like to a certain degree we're in the same boat. Physically, yes, could we eat it, but it's an issue with beliefs.

if she came to your house, would you make her meat? a lot of omnis take the view that you can eat their food, you just don't want to, and they view that as inconsiderate. i'm not saying they're right, i'm just saying.

Ya that's pretty true, people always point out to me that I CAN eat the food, I just CHOOSE not to. And then it gets into a big debate. Frustrating.

Would this apply to a Kosher guest? I feel like to a certain degree we're in the same boat. Physically, yes, could we eat it, but it's an issue with beliefs.

That is an extremely valid point. Most people wouldn't argue with someone's religious beliefs, and in so many ways, we are in the same boat.