Top 10 Pro-Wrestlers Still Alive and Dropkicking

In light of recent events…(and by recent events I mean Randy Macho Man Savages’ courageous elbow that saved us ALL from the certain rapture this past weekend), I thought it appropriate to make a top 10 pro-wrestlers still alive list. You know. For paginated hits and junk.

10)the Ultimate Warrior
I am about 94% sure this dude was on crystal meth before crystal meth was ever even invented. The word Bellevue comes to mind. The face paint? The frosted mullet? AND the most electric entrance in the history of pro-wrestling? You know the Ultimate Warrior had to be on this list.

9)Rowdy Roddy PiperNo man hath kicked so much ass in a kilt since William Wallace himselves. Rowdy Roddy Piper will still to this day, bust your face open should you get drunk and disrespectful at the Saddle Ranch on Sunset Blvd. I know this to be true. And if you never saw the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode with Roddy, wow are you missing out.

8)Jake the Snake Roberts
While the Ultimate Warrior had a better mullet and some 24 inch pythons of his own, Jake the Snake Roberts had actual pythons. And cobras. In what I consider the craziest moment ever in pro-wrestling history, Jake the Snake Roberts used a REAL cobra on Randy Macho Man Savage. AND it bit him. No sh!t. That actually happened. Look. (Start at the 3:09 mark)

7) the American Dream Dusty Rhodes
I AM THE AMERICAN DREAM DUSTY RHODES!! You know, there really should be a lisp font. Dusty Rhodes was the American Dream. He was funky like a monkey. He wore a muffler. And one time, the 4 Horsemen broke his arm on regional live tv.

6) the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels
THE Showstopper. Mr. Wrestlemania. This guy was probably the greatest in-ring performer ever. I mean, HE FLEW INTO THE RING ON ZIP LINE FROM THE TOP OF THE RAFTERS AT THE POND IN ANAHEIM for Wrestlemania XXII.

5) the Undertaker
Ok I lied when I said the Ultimate Warrior had the greatest intro in wrestling history. That honor belongs to the Deadman. the Undertaker. You can’t pin him. You can’t beat him. Hell, you can’t even kill him. He’s 19-0 and counting at Wrestlemania for a reason folks.

4) the Rock
He came. He saw. He conquered. He ate pie. And then he left for Hollywood to make such classics as the Tooth Fairy and Southland Tales. I’m glad he’s back because nobody, and I mean nobody, brought it on promos like the Rock.

3) Hulk Hogan
Hulk Hogan at #3? Yes, Hulk Hogan at #3. I take points off on Hogan because of recent shenanigans but in all honesty, he was the BIGGEST pro-wrestler of all time. Hulk took pro-wrestling to unforeseen heights to which, it has never revisited. I mean, he DID body slam Andre the Giant.

2) Stone Cold Steve AustinWhen you heard that glass break, you knew it meant your ass. Probably the meanest sonofabitch to ever climb into the squared circle, the Texas Rattlesnake Stone Cold Steve Austin was the baddest of all asses. He is also the current hilarious host of WWE’s reality show, Tough Enough.

much like the Highlander. Than can be only one. And there IS only one.

That was Owen Hart. I don’t think it was a zip line, I think they were just going to lower him and the problem was the harness. It didn’t fail, it was latched incorrectly. At least that’s what I heard.