Case Number 19250

Ninja's Creed

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson lives by the Yogurt Creed, which basically involves eating a lot of yogurt.

The Charge

Vengeance never looked this good.

Opening Statement

Recently, ninjas have enjoyed almost as much of a pop culture resurgence as
vampires. An unfortunate by-product of such popularity are movies like this.

Facts of the Case

According to some blowhard narration, we learn there's an ancient Himalayan
Empire that's deep in a power struggle. A gorgeous assassin (Gail Kim, WWE
Diva), who may or may not possess some ninja skills (spoiler: not), has been
dispatched to hunt down and murder the rightful heir of the kingdom—a
teenage girl living with someone who looks like Eric Roberts, but with a
disinterested facial expression and a dead polar bear cub hot-glued to his
scalp.

Another warrior has been sent to intercept the assassin and protect the
princess; little does he know, he's not who he thinks he is. Or he is who he
thinks he is…eventually…but not right away. At first he's not
entirely sure of who he is, but learns he isn't who he was under the impression
he was. Later, Pat Morita shows up and helps him figure things out.

The Evidence

So maybe this isn't precisely a ninja movie. The studio changed the
title to Ninja's Creed from Royal Kill, which isn't that much
sexier, though it's obvious why the change was made: to cash in on the ninja
craze.

Shenanigans. I call it. Because there's not a lot of action here, ninja or
otherwise. We get a couple of heavyweight bouts between the hero and the
assassin. Unfortunately, they're shot and edited with the steady hand of a
toddler hopped up on Cookie Crisp. Tight close-ups are overused, shrouding the
fight choreography in a jumbled mess of foreheads, And when the camera does pull
back to give a full view, the sequences take place in the dead of night. Add to
that the iffy video quality and you have a muddled, unsavory cocktail of
mayhem.

The primary focus is on the mystery elements anyway. There is a hefty
helping of mythology exposition, but that exists primarily to push the central
question of who the assassin is. The answer is revealed towards the end and, to
the film's credit, it's a big twist. In fact, it felt too big for Ninja's
Creed, drawing an unfavorable comparison to a major motion picture that
sports one of the all-time greatest plot twists in cinema history (I won't tell,
but you'll know). Then again…it is the most interesting thing going on in
the film and I might actually remember it a week from now. That counts for
something, no?