Thursday, September 01, 2005

Undiscovered

Although no one seems to know it, Ashlee Simpson has a movie out RIGHT NOW! The movie is called Undiscovered and apparently it’s living up to the title. I have spoken to no more than 3 people who have actually heard of this movie’s release and none of them had seen any ads or trailers. I only knew about it because all I do at work is read Hollywood Gossip and write blog entries.

I decided to see this movie for two reasons: It was free and I knew it would be a great blog topic. Seeing as I know some people in the movie biz (a friend of mine works at a movie theatre), I get the chance to see free movies… Movies I would normally never pay to see. I read a brief synopsis, something about an aspiring actress and an aspiring rock star but other than that, the only thing I knew was that Ashlee Simpson was in it and she sings.

Believe it or not, this review is not heavily based on trashing Ashlee. I am not a fan of hers and she definitely blows in this movie but come on, that’s way too easy.

The movie opened on Friday, Aug. 26 and my friend and I went to see it on Sunday, Aug. 28… Still opening weekend. We were the only two people in the theatre. This movie was entirely unheard of, I’m not sure if they did ANY marketing what so ever. 30 minutes in, my good friend turns to me and says,

“You know… this movie was free, so if you want to leave, it’s ok with me”

I laughed and told her, “No way, we’re in this for the long haul.” Another 20 minutes and she started walking around the theatre, sitting in various seats, just killing time until I finally gave in. I couldn’t bear to see the aspiring actress and aspiring rock star fight and get back together again, so I gave in and said let’s go.

Possibly the shittiest movie I’ve seen. It had the usual North American Romantic Comedy formula that I revealed to the world in a previous post and I just couldn’t stand to watch it again. I managed to find a trailer for the flick yesterday and I was quite relieved that I didn’t stay, as it appears that there is an “airport” scene that involves the rock star running after the actress so that she doesn’t get on a plane to go back to New York. And then it flashes to a scene of me slitting my own wrists and jumping off a bridge with a noose around my neck. Great ending though.

In short, I don’t recommend this movie. If you haven’t heard of it, I’m sorry for making you aware. If this review, or the movie in general makes you curious about it, tempted to go see it, just watch the trailer. The trailer is the movie in a nutshell, which is all it needed to be in. It tells you scene by scene what happens and how it ends in a minute or two, not the hour I spent.

I suppose I’m not the only one who feels this way:

Well, better luck next time, Ashlee. I’m probably the best PR you had for this film.

Ps. I know I said I would write about something I enjoyed but there are too many bad movies to ignore. Next will also be a negative one, maybe the week after?Pps. Movies I saw this week: The entire first season of Six Feet Under, Casper, Whale Rider, Million Dollar Baby, Undiscovered.Ppps. You simply MUST go see this blog and you simply MUST leave a comment. This is one of the few blog plugs I will do and only because it’s one of the best blogs I’ve ever read. Absolutely amazing!

When I was but a young lad, it was the movie 'The Never-ending Story' that taught me about The Nothing.You see, The Nothing was eating Fantasia because people had begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. The Nothing was the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying the world.

I see the Simpson family as The Nothing and myself as the valiant young Atreyu, battling against the forces of The Nothing. And while I'm not likely to go out and do any actual battlin' , there is a strong chance I wont watch this movie.

Nah.. You should duplicate those bootleg copies and make a buck or two from those mindless drones of teenage girls already swallowed by the sad and sorry farce that is the next generation of Hollywood.

Why is it we can only delete comments forever on our own blogs? Must we have these damn graves of aborted comments when we need to edit posts away from home? Embarrassing.

Anyhow, I'll take your word for this one. I hope this movie continues to fail in the box office, if for no other reason than to keep Ashlee from being in further movies.

I spent the week watching Uwe Boll films. I'm not sure even this shit could top how bad the films are that this fucking hack can churn out.

Check him out on IMDB. When he announces the latest video game he's going to be adapting, on the imdb forums the most common thread title in response to them is "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" He's got about 7 he's slated to have completed from the beginning of 2005 to the end of 2006. I have no idea how he continues to get funding.

For a laugh/shudder check out the trailer for his latest shitpile Blood Rayne, which is going to star Ben Kingsley--who either is afflicted with, and/or is under an agent who has, severe drug addiction.

Uwe Boll is a blight upon filmmaking. There's a petition somewhere to "Stop Uwe Boll" - I can't remember how many signatures it has, but it is a large number.My favourite quote when asked about what Kristanna Loken fans will see of her in Bloodrayne?Boll: "We have a hot sex scene."It's even better when you saw it in thick German accent. I can't believe studios keep giving him money to make films. Please leave, Uwe! Before you buy the rights to Half Life or something and ruin it forever!

The best part about it is how they will somehow (or perhaps they'll just make them up) find dazzling reviews for when they want to put out ads when it comes out on DVD. IF it comes out on DVD. They may not have the money by then. I mean, who can take things seriously when Fantastic 4 is being toted as "The Best Movie This Summer"? A similar case.

As a loyal reader, I can't let THAT (see above) be the last comment on this thing. But for all those pining for new ploys, AST leads a busy life and I think we should all give her the benefit of the doubt. Things come up.