5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 22, 2013

1. Do You Remember Prison Break? It Was That Show On FOX? Anyway The Star Of It Revealed That He's Gay

Wentworth Miller — star of that show Prison Break that you used to see commercials for on Fox about five years ago — came out as gay in a letter declining an invitation to the St. Petersburg International Film Festival because of Russia's anti-gay policies. This comes as a shock to his fans. Maybe? Or maybe not. We don't know. Was he gay on the show or anything?

"Prison Break" star Wentworth Miller has come out as gay, which he's known since being named Wentworth.

2. FBI Playing With The Idea Of Treating Rich Bankers As Though They Weren't Above The Law

The FBI and Department of Justice are supposedly considering leveling criminal charges against some people working at JPMorgan Chase for what may have been illegal energy-trading practices, despite the very real likelihood that they are very wealthy people and should probably get to do what they please. This mistake was not yet cleared up at time of press.

Another week ends without ANY of you ingrates thanking the banks for not stealing all of our money.

3. Frat Guys Use Facebook To Deal Drugs And Trade Non-Consensual Nude Pictures, Proving They're As Dumb As They Are Awful

The Florida International University chapter of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity was suspended yesterday when it was revealed that its clearly terrible members were publicly buying and selling "study drugs," such as Adderall (or "addy" in cool-guy talk), through the frat's public Facebook page, which is public. The genius-level fraternity members also used the page to post non-consensual naked pictures of female acquaintances, several of whom were likely underage, as is evidenced in the comment, "i think she was 17 at the time of the titi pics LOL."

Now that nearly two weeks have passed and the psychological scars from her kidnapping by James DiMaggio, as well as the murder of her mother and brother, have long-since healed, Hannah Anderson has granted her first televised appearance to NBC Today this morning. In the interview, she tearfully calls herself a "survivor" and looks very sad and blonde, which should be very good for NBC's ratings.

Just read a report where cops said a kidnapping suspect is "capable of anything." Just say he's a lunatic. Don't praise his potential.

5. Obama Defends Pit Bulls, Probably Because Their Slobber Reminds Him Of Biden's

The White House issued a statement in opposition to the breed-specific regulations and laws that are often used to ban the ownership of pit bulls in specific parts of the country. Citing information from the CDC, the statement points out that two decades of data do not bear out the restrictions placed on pit bulls. The statement was made in response to an online petition, signed by more than 30,000 people, asking for certain dog breeds to be outlawed by the federal government. It was probably also covered in the Vice President's drool, though the same can be said for most White House statements.