Wednesday Wackness #5: 5 Worst Mixtape Covers of the Week 4/24/14

Best cover of the week- J. Cook “Everybody Hates Cook.” I love all the protestors chilling in the lightning yelling at J. Cook to stop rapping. And he’s just super bummed out. That’s his favorite shiny outfit too and he was feeling good today and then the protestors showed up. It’s a hard hitting emotional mixtape cover. I wanna start a little protest squad like this and just roll around destroying peoples dreams and shit.

It’s another week of #WEDNESDAYWACKNESS on a Thursday. This is gonna be my new thing, posting Wednesday Wackness on Thursdays. It’s kinda like this party I threw a couple years ago called Sexy Saturdays. It was on a Friday. Here’s the promo vid for it.

Anyways this week is kinda sad. There’s a lot of rappers dealing with pain this week. Expressing their struggle through hip hop and shit. Putting spikes on their baby’s head and eating clown sandwiches and shit. I’m sorry if you have trouble reading this through the tears you are about to cry, but life is a highway and I’m gonna masturbate while sobbing gently at a rest stop all night long.

I gotta say, I kinda like this tape, even the racist song “Chimmy Chang.” I mean, any mixtape with a song called “Thotti Pippen” can’t be that bad. That shit’s mad funny right? “Thotti Pippen,” lol. This cover though… This lady put spikes on her baby’s head, closed her eyes, and put her hand on his baby junk. The baby is so bummed. He has spikes on his head and is getting a baby HJ and you can tell he’s just not into it. It’s terrifying. The only thing scarier is imagining what that lady is thinking about with her eyes closed while she HJ’s Lil Baby Spike Head (his rap name) while he cries. There’s a song called “Thotti Pippen” though hhahahaha this tape rules.

You know life is tough when you’re eating clown sandwiches, but you know it’s really a #struggle when you’re eating SADclown sandwiches. I heard somewhere, deep in the forgotten recesses of our great heartland, there’s a highway with no name. And somewhere along this highway, far from any sign of civilization, there’s a solitary Subway that only opens during lunar eclipses. This is the only place you can buy a Sad Clown Sandwich. Jared ate a Sad Clown Sandwich and lost 300 pounds and the ability to feel pleasure. Sad clown sandwiches bum me the fuck out.

OK finally we have a mixtape thats not sad, just bad. This is the worst shit ever. The best song is called “I Feel No Pain,” is only a minute and a half long, and is rapped entirely by a Speak-n-Spell named Emo Jared- and that’s the best song. Gary Styles calls people “faggot” alot but he also says “you’re gonna suck my dick, just like Rick” so it’s mad confusing. He raps about scented lotion and eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch for lunch. I don’t even think that’s Gary Styles on the cover to be honest. That dude looks too chill to make music this shitty. That dude definitely doesn’t let Rick anywhere near his dick. That dude looks like a real man who eats real food for lunch, like clown sandwiches.

“Salute to my haters! I like to kiss my baby while my wife smells it. Haters keep hating because you are making me more famous.” Ya Boy CB talks about having 20 n**gas (he’s white) and encourages people to breathe through their nose. He has another mixtape that’s his “best of” and the cover of that one is a selfie taken in a McDonald’s bathroom with his hand down his pants. Here’s an example of his rhymes: “As soon as you turn around you better watch your chick / Cause I’ll snatch her up and have her come and ride with me / Already did it once before with the girl I’m with now / And then he wanted to try to diss me / But it didn’t work / Because I came right back up and burned his ass.” There’s so many songs where he talks about how hard he works and is never giving up on rapping and is going to be a star within 2 years. I always get bummed out when someone really believes in their art but it just sucks. I’m like too bummed for jokes.

Look at that magical cover. It’s like a beautiful Monet of a bro. It’s like a Thomas Kinkade Master of Light painting of a bro. If life was a water color dream of a bro, it would be this cover. Thomas Christopher is a rapping bro who lives his life in vivid washes of bright pastels. He tongue speaks fluid, liquid poetry that dances across his music like a fairy tip toeing on an enchanted forest stream. “Trying to shine / this is my time / SPRING BREAK.” Such ethereal beauty! The world’s heart is aflutter! Spring time is here and Thomas Christopher is the rejuvenating, life-bringing bard of the season of life-anew! I hate this mixtape.