It’s been so long, my friends! This post is to let you know that I haven’t actually disappeared. I’ve simply moved my online home. In Search of Squid will stay here (as I absolutely adore it — it’s such a beautiful record of several years of my life). But I don’t write here anymore.

My purpose for writing and blogging has changed, and this site simply doesn’t fit anymore. And for good reason! I started this site in search of something…the good life, my quest to have it all, etc. And you know what? I pretty much found what I was looking for. I no longer feel lost. I no longer feel the need to search.I have an incredible life, filled with people I adore, adventures, work that fulfills me. And I want to honor that. I don’t want to change In Search of Squid. It’s perfect just the way it is, honoring a part of my life that needed searching and questioning. And my new site is a perfect home for me now, honoring my art and my yoga and my current adventures.

I was emailing a friend earlier today, and he reminded me of a post I wrote a few years ago. Clearly his memory is better than mine because when he mentioned it, I had absolutely no recollection of what he was talking about. But it sounded juicy (or at least interesting), so I went on a hunt. It was a post about a dream. A dream about a British guy, a waterfall, and a kiss. Juicy, right?!?

While hunting, I read old posts. Posts about buying my house, about searching for love, about feeling brokenhearted, about travel, about life. And I was so drawn in. Because this was a record of my life. A beautiful, honest, raw record. I remember writing those words (well, most of them anyway), and I recall so often feeling vulnerable and unsure. Did I really want to press publish? Did I really want people to know this stuff about me? I remember pressing the publish button on occasion, and then taking it back. Unpublishing. And then getting brave again and publishing for good. I remember turning off comments because I was afraid of what people would say. I was afraid of being faced with knowing some of the commenters. I published this blog for the world. But not for my friends. Not for my family. I didn’t want them to know what went on in my mind. They might think I was strange. Or silly. Or pathetic.

But you know what? I’m so glad I wrote those posts. I’m so glad I published those posts. I’m so glad I managed to get over my fears of not being good enough or being judged. And I’m so glad I captured those moments in my life. Because it’s beautiful. And it’s real. And it’s life. My life.

And these are things I would never have remembered had I not recorded them in this way.

There’s something about a blog that keeps me writing as if telling a story. As if writing a letter to someone. When I’ve journaled in the past, I’ve never kept the journals. I always threw them away, destroyed them. I found that I only wrote when I was sad. And so every journal looked as if I was chronically depressed! But with the blog? I wrote when I was sad, when I was happy, when I was having an adventure, when I was traveling. I just wrote to share my stories.

And when I go back to read those stories — I laugh. I smile. I cry. And then I laugh some more. It’s the best way to capture life. For me anyway.

I feel like I go through seasons in my life and my blog. During some seasons, I write a lot. During others, I don’t write at all. And still others, I write once in a while. I wish I always wrote a lot. Imagine how many more stories there would be! But that’s okay. Priorities change, and my life is often chock-full to the brim.

But I hope the stories don’t vanish. I hope the adventures keep being captured. I hope the pictures are shared and the thoughts are written. Because I do love this blog. Everything about it. And I do love to write.

And before I head off for the night, I have to link you to the post about the dream — here! Because when I found it, it was so perfect. I remembered the kiss in the dream. It was so sweet. And so full of possibility. And I may not remember any of the other details I wrote about, but I remember the feeling of the kiss. How perfect is that?

Funny thing, I also wrote about wanting to find a certain kind of man (spurred on by the dream). It was 2011. I haven’t found that man yet. But I’m more sure than ever that he’s out there. And I know something else — I’m close to finding him. I don’t know why. I just feel it.

Here’s what wrote:

I seriously need to find a guy that will run off with me to different countries on a whim. Someone that’s not tied down to one place, that likes to travel, that wants to hike for days through mountains, and (perhaps most important) someone that will talk me into doing such things even when I’m feeling the need to be responsible.

Because, as I’ve said before, responsibility is overrated. Random adventure, however, is always worth my time.

I couldn’t have written it better today if I tried. So I’m putting this out to the universe. A whisper. An idea. A request. If I go looking, please send him my way. (And I promise — I’ll go looking.) Do we have a deal, Universe? Yes, yes, we have a deal.

If you’ve been reading this blog a while, you’re probably familiar with my end of year tradition — the end of year video!! OMG. It’s my absolute favorite thing. For reals. It makes me smile and laugh and sometimes even cry (but always in a good way). Going through photos and videos and posts from the year really makes me count all the awesome things that happened. And, sometimes, that’s a lifesaver.

Like this year. Looking back (without really examining the year) I sort of thought the year was a bust. I was disappointed about a lot of things. I was feeling a little deflated. But I love my video tradition, so I carried on anyway, setting out to create a video that was truly representative of all the good that occurred in 2014.

And you know what happened? I sorta kinda knocked my socks off! All this reminiscing about the positive made me realize — I lead a pretty charmed life. I experience amazing things, and I have a fantastic group of friends.

It kind of changed everything about my outlook. And with that, I feel amazing. I really do.

I started this tradition six years ago, and I’ve no plans for stopping! And now I share my video with you. Have a seat, get cozy, and enjoy!

Every year I choose a theme. It’s a tradition I’ve carried on now for about 5 years. And I kind of love it. It’s like my guiding light, my guiding principle for the year ahead.

This time, I spent a lot of time trying out different words and different themes. So many words seemed to fit! Yet nothing felt just right. Until I stumbled upon two words that sort of…settled in the right places.

They feel good. And warm. Like the perfect embrace.

My 2015 theme: Release & Renew

Seriously. Whenever I say it or write it, my whole body takes an exhale and everything relaxes. It’s a gut check. That’s how I know it’s the perfect theme for the year.

I started by looking up the textbook definitions to see what I thought.

Release: to allow or enable escape from confinement; set free

Renew: to make something new, fresh or strong again; to begin again, especially with more force or enthusiasm

I sat down and did a little free writing to describe my feelings about Release & Renew and why they fit my year so perfectly. Here’s what came up.

2015 is all about releasing my light into the world and renewing my belief that I contain that light. It’s about releasing expectations, releasing the heaviness that has been weighing me down, and releasing the shame of missteps in the past year. It’s about renewing my sense of purpose, renewing my excitement for life, renewing my inner glow, and renewing my innate sense of peace and harmony. It’s about creating a year that lights me up from the inside – one that feels warm, soft, comfortable, and right. It’s about realigning with my core values. This year is about taking care of my inner self and my own needs, while radiating my renewed love of self to those around me. It’s about renewing my belief in my dreams, continuing action to reach those dreams, and sharing those dreams with others. It’s about love and light and zest for life.

So there it is, my friends. My theme for 2015. I have a feeling it will guide me well.

I am simultaneously perplexed and in awe of people that have the ability to believe everything happens for a reason. Why is that? Well, reason being, I hate that phrase. Always have.

Everything happens for a reason, you say? Why did my mother die the way she did? What was the reason for that? Why did I spend eight years with someone, it turned out, I didn’t know at all? What was the reason for that? Why does everything seem like such a struggle these days? What on Earth is the reason for that? There are a thousand questions I could ask, the answers of which seem completely random, unfair and baseless. There are far, far too many things in this world that happen for seemingly no good reason.

Yet, I still find myself pondering the phrase. Is there truly a reason for all this shit? If I were able to pull away from the individual situations, would I be able to see the intricate weave that connects one event to another, giving everything a purpose and a reason? And even if not, is it just easier to live life with the idea in mind that everything happens for a reason? I feel like it must be. It must be easier. If I could only wrap my mind around the idea that there is purpose to all of this.

But I can’t.

And I’m pretty damn jealous of the people who can.

I joked with a good friend of mine the other day that I am clearly having an existential crisis. (And then I promptly looked it up to make sure I used the term correctly.) What in the hell is the purpose of my life? What is the meaning of all this? Perhaps more important — why is this all suddenly bothering me?

Too many questions and not enough answers. That’s pretty much where I’m at.

I really, really wish I could just say — well, everything happens for a reason, and I guess it will become clear when the time is right — and then go back to my carefree existence.

Maybe I should attempt that? I’ve been meditating a lot lately. Breathe in slowly. Breathe out slowly. Focus on your breath. Focus on your intention. Be present. And I’ve been thinking a lot about giving it all up to a higher power. I mean, I don’t believe in God. I just don’t. And I don’t think there is some ultimate plan in the universe in which everything needs to happen in such a way for it all to play out properly. I don’t think there is truly such thing as destiny. Shit happens, and it only becomes destiny in hindsight.

But maybe that’s all beside the point. Maybe giving it up to a higher power or giving it all up to the universe has more to do with letting go of control. Maybe it has more to do with not worrying about the purpose or the reason of things because worrying doesn’t change anything. And, perhaps, learning to let go and let the universe do it’s thing is the best way to go.

I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. And I’m just trying to be okay with that.

Heather Rae

Photographer. Traveler. Storyteller. On the adventure of a lifetime. I'm a fan of running in mud, long conversations in little cafes, climbing mountains, watching waves. What's In Search of Squid? Quite simply, my quest to have it all.

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I would love to hear from you. Questions, comments, requests, rants. Send them my way! Please come visit my new website at heatherraemurphy.com for contact information.