March 2005

March 31, 2005

Guys! Do you want to learn this totally fun game I've been playing? It's great for couples or people involved in indeterminate relationships wherein they behave coupleishly! Did I mention this game is TOTALLY FUN? It's called Break Up/Have Sex.

Here's how to play:

Break up with each other.

Have sex with each other.

Rinse, and repeat!

Simple, and FUN! Break Up/Have Sex can be enjoyed so many times you (really) won't believe it! (REALLY.) Play it anywhere, anytime! New hand-held version for easy travel! Level II Advanced players increase your strategy with the Shouting and Crying Expansion Pack and earn even more Empyreal Orgasm Points! You can play Break Up/Have Sex again and again infinitely- or until one or more players winds up drinking Clorox! Play once a month, once a week or EVERY DAY FOR FIVE DAYS IN A ROW ARE YOU GETTING THE JOKE OF THIS POST YET? This game is not actually fun! This game causes gas and bloating! This game will give you wrinkles! Your dog will vomit on the floor! You will lose your mastery of the English language! Can you tell by my voice how knackered I am?

Break Up/Have Sex Game Product Caution Label:

Harmful if swallowed! Not intended for use while driving! Do not use while sleeping or unconscious! Do not use near sparks or flame! If product gets in eyes flush with water immediately! Risk of electric shock!

March 28, 2005

Could there be a more special way to begin the day than to the sound of one of your dogs hacking up something vile on the living room carpet?

And I'll answer you:

Yes! Yes there could be a more special way! The way where the vile thing your dog hacked up STAINS the carpet the impervious saffron hue of Christo's Gates! AND, when you run in to the living room to deal with it, there is your OTHER dog licking up the vomit! With a foamy beard of the same violent yellow smeared on her chin! And then she tries to lick your face!

Yes I'm telling you! This is so speshul!!! Three exclamation points spaeshle! Maybe too spatial for you! O.K. just take my word for it!

I spent the past week hanging out with my good Mormon friends who grew up next door to me in SLC. We took a road trip to southeastern Kansas where a few of us were roommates while we studied singing there in 1997. I was nineteen years old and as Mormon as I could be, being the daughter of a New-Age-Hippie-Biker-Jazz Musician and a Lesbian-Comedienne-Democratic Sociopolitical Activist. In other words, I struggled with the Church Thing A LOT.

The easiest I ever had it faith-wise was living in Kansas, where I didn't relate to anybody but other Mormons, all two of whom I happened to live with. During that time all my best bonding experiences with my girlfriends involved praying together, scripture-reading and being the best little missionaries we could to all the lost, football-loving souls at our esteemed academic institution, Independence Community College (aka: IndyCC), where the un-bright but athletic boys imported from North Carolina and Atlantic City would court us with such winning lines as, "I can tell you not from Kansas, 'cause Kansas girls don't got short hair." Which advances (first made me yell BE STILL MY HEART and then) sent me running to my teacher begging her to lay down the law about boys. She did, and for the rest of our stay we actually RELISHED being able to say to them, "I'm sorry- I'M NOT ALLOWED TO DATE."

My life was all girls and all church, ALL THE TIME.

So it is no surprise to me, looking back on old journals from that time, to be reminded how conservative I was (or anyway how conservative I was trying to be); but I'd forgotten how those many cloistered months affected my perspective on "good" and "evil." And I had TOTALLY forgotten how, when I moved home to Salt Lake, I felt particularly endangered and enthralled by the rowdy antics of one Stanley Asberger, whose college lifestyle included not only beer and cigarettes, but also possibly (gasp!) s-e-x. I could never have featured that a few years later I'd end up blissfully setting up house with this wild child, long after his racy ways had come to seem practically staid to me; all I knew then was that he had the inside scoop on something I knew nothing about, and I WANTED TO TRY IT.

The following is what I actually wrote about him in my diary at the time. (I highlighted some of the awesomer ways I referred to him for you- in case you haven't taken my Quiz yet and are still looking for a good name to call your lover...) .

"I have been in a great confusion all week about Stan and his Ways of Temptation."

"And who was there sittin' at a table eatin' meat and potatoes, just waiting to beguile me, but TreacherousStan?"

"Stanthe Compelling talked to me the entire time, putting all sorts of ideas into my head and generally acting as a Conduit for Satan and tempting me like crazy. Nothing too unusual."

March 23, 2005

I'm not posting this week because I'm on vacation in Kansas. A very VERY small town in Kansas where trying to get on the net is like asking the locals where to find the nearest Thai restaurant- if you were asking them in Thai. We're making the 17-hour drive back to Salt Lake tomorrow, and then I'll be back in bidness. In the meantime, go check out Sarah. She's hilarious and she posts a lot. Search around til you find the one about taking her parents to Jamba Juice. Ha ha ha alright!

March 17, 2005

I went back through my Yahoo! account today reading every email ever sent to me by The Guy Who Called Me "Son," including one message sent shortly after he moved away to Texas wherein he closed with the line, "yippie ti yi step it bitch!" and wondering; how could I have let myself fall out of touch with this person?

Great job on the quiz, kids! Everybody who has played so far gets a big fat A+, but I hope folks will continue to chime in; send the link to your pals and ask them to give it up! Lurkers, expose yourselves! No one has to know you're loose like that- just enter MY email addy and URL instead of yours. This way nobody will write to you and demand to know why you insist on calling your lover "Flank Slice."

Of the answers so far I'll admit a personal affinity for "Prancie Nixon," "Short Stack" and all responses that include just initials. Good work! To further encourage you, and because other folk's answers reminded me of them, I will add the following to my list:

1. An incredibly sweet man who is the most morally conscientious person I know and who speaks with an adorable affected country accent used to call me "sweet Lady," and "Darlin'." It made me feel desired and precious and looked out for, and also very darlin'.

2. I just remembered this one right this minute: same guy, same era- he was always calling me "son." I can't believe I'd forgotten...

3. Asberger and I have been known, even up until very recently, to call eachother "My Fine Feathered Friend," which began with singing that old classic hit by the Doors: "This is the end/ FINE FEATHERED FRIEND/ the end..."

March 14, 2005

Thanks Sarah and Anne A. for your comments on the last post! Let's make it a fun game!

HEY EVERYONE-what does your lover callyou? What do you call your lover? Comment on this website and reveal it to the world!

Don't know how to get started? Here are some examples:

1. I know a couple who call each other "porpoise." I have no idea how or why they began this, and I don't think they do either.

2. I used to make out with a guy who always called me "Carlos," I liked it so much I adopted it and signed my correspondence that way for years.

3. My good friend Tiny calls her boyfriend, "Pal," but then that's also what she calls her dog...

Do you call each other the names of food or animals? Do you have a code word that applies to both of you? Or does each party have a special term specific to him or her? Do you call your person something different to his face than you call him to your friends? Do you call each other names that are cute? Or names that are sexy? Do you assign your man an endless string of love-onyms, and he just calls you Angela?

The whole goddamn Internet is dying to know- please don't keep us waiting! Take the Lucy's Spleen Ultimate Love Name Quiz today!

[P.S. to Asberger: I know about your new hot latin girlfriend, but I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU CALL EACHOTHER ON STEAMY NIGHTS IN SOUTH AMERICA. On pain of public humiliation by photo,you are barred from answering this one (unless it's in reference to ME).]