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Ask Steph: Sexier Than Sex

Hey there, womenfolk. And non-womenfolk. And menfolk. And non-menfolk. My name is Steph, and I’m here to give you some lip-smackin’ romance advice. Send your love woes and lust throes to theukcolonel@ gmail.com, and I’ll write back in the next edition, you ravishing creature. Mwah!

Dear Steph,
I usually go to class wearing a single tube of stretchy woollen fabric wound around my body, so that you can only see the top of my head! However, I don’t feel like I’m attracting any male attention. How would you recommend I dress for maximum sex appeal?
—Sexy Sock

Dear Sock,
Make sure that you show off your five key seductive body parts. First, the nostrils: be sure to flare when you pass males on the street to release those sex pheromones.
Second, the clavicle. Cut a clavicle-shaped hole in all of your shirts so that he catches just a peek of bony flesh. Not too much, of course. You’ll want to save the full clavicular package for the first date! Third, the area behind the ear— shave your hair so it’s more exposed. Bonus points if you shave your ear, too, for maximum viewing pleasuuuurre!
Fourth, the tonsils. Open your mouth really widely when you talk. And whenever there’s a pause in conversation, just get realllllly close to him and open your mouth to expose those lusciously moist bits. Fifth, the spleen. Just rip it out of your abdomen to show him.
xoxo, Steph

Dear Steph,
I tend to act shy around men, and my wingpeople have migrated south for the winter. I’d love to swagger around Willy T picking up men, but I’m just not sure that I know the right method. Could you give me any advice on how to pursue relationships with men?
—Shy Swaggerer

Dear Swaggerer,
I’m here to tell you that you CAN pick up men! That’s right, just pick them right up!
First, slather on the red lipstick. Next, wear something stretchy, red, and slinky—like a tongue. Several dozen cow tongues work best. So just wrap yourself in cow tongues, and approach a manfolk. Next, toss a tarp over him. Grip him firmly by the shoulders, then throw him over your shoulder.
xoxo, Steph

Dear Steph,
My sister recently wrote in to your advice column asking for pick-up advice, and it worked like a charm! She found herself a great guy—he showers at least once a month, he reads books (with pictures, of course), and he even owns a piano! The only problem is, she doesn’t know what to do now that she’s picked him up. Her shoulder is really starting to hurt her . . . any tips?
—Sore-Shoulder-Swaggerer’s Sister

Dear Sister,
Okay, so. You want to take full advantage of the manfolk’s vulnerable position to put him down as forcefully as possible. Look him straight in the eyeballs and say something like this, “I hate the way your hair looks. Your nose is crooked. You have no purpose in life. Your parents only pretended to love you. You eyebrows are way off fleek, and so is your life.” Once you’ve insulted him thoroughly and he is sufficiently broken down—sobbing and pulling out his own hair are great signs—lower him gently to the ground.
xoxo, Steph

Dear Steph,
How do I know if a guy likes me? I’m really bad at reading signals. How can I make sure that our interest is mutual?
—Sorry Signaler

Dear Signaler,
I am, in fact, a body language expert. I received a Ph.D. in Extraoral Manipulation, with a concentration in Vibes. First, how do you determine his interest? Menfolk are highly focused, straightforward creatures. In fact, their feet always point straight towards whatever they’re interested in. Yup, if his feet are pointing in your direction, he’s totes into you. To take advantage of this, tie yourself to his feet. If he doesn’t seem into it, just cut his feet off and tie them to your own feet. He will come around eventually. Maybe slowly, y’know, because he doesn’t have any feet, but he’ll come around nonetheless.
Now for GIVING signals. Subtlety is key. If you find yourself to be close to him, reach out and gently grab his nose. Do not let go. Pull it a bit, just to make sure that his face is his own. Pulling his nose is a subtle, subconscious signal that you are an available female—he can feel it through his sensitive nasal hair filaments. It’s also often successful to lightly touch his arm. Then grab it more forcefully. Then arm wrestle. Then throw him to the ground. YOU WIN! TEN POINTS TO YOU! SWEET VICTORY!!!
xoxo, Steph