Dirty Whore

Posted on: June 23rd, 2014

was once innocent. But that part of me doesn’t exist anymore. When you’re raped you lose a piece of you in a sense. You find yourself left a different person with a broken spirit. I’m a shadow of the girl I use to be. Life is no longer safe and my view of the world changed. I will always feel broken, damaged, and not good enough. I can’t get a peaceful nights sleep without a nightmare. I can’t have sex with my fiance without zoning out. I just have no emotional connection to it, it’s purely physical. I will always be this mess but somehow my fiance still loves me.

My story began at age 16. I was hanging out with my friend Brandi at our community pool. Brandi went home to check in with her parents and was supposed to come back. While waiting I saw three older men enter the pool area. I just got a bad feeling in my gut. I got out of the pool and gathered my belongings. As i headed towards the gate/exit. They blocked my path. They spoke to me in Spanish, I didn’t understand them. One grabbed me from behind and threw me against a brick wall.

When I fell to the floor they began kicking and punching me. I was dragged to the restroom on the other side. Inside the restroom I was beaten, vaginally raped, and anally raped. As it happened I recall the beating and the pain. But during the actual rape, I felt like my soul wasn’t in my body. I felt like I was watching it happen to me.

I somehow managed to get to a friends house nearby. I begged them not to call or do anything. I literally just cried myself to sleep. I didn’t even go to school or home the next day. It wasn’t until my brother came to find me saying some men came around looking for me that i broke down. My family called the cops. I reported the incident. However, there I already took a shower so only evidence I had was the beating. Some of it was caught on surveillance. However, I was only able to identify one of my attackers. They dropped the case due to lack of evidence.

This was the beginning of my downward spiral. I felt damaged and used. I felt dirty and that I had no worth. I drank and did drugs to numb my pain. I was ashamed and hated myself so at times I would cut myself. I began to party and hang with a bad crowd. I became promiscuous because I felt that even if I said no they would just rape me anyways. I hated myself.

At age 20, I fell in love with a Marine. He stole my heart with his good looks and sweet smile. The relationship started great. However, it really changed when I moved in with him and away from my family. He became controlling and abusive. He got me fired from my job cause he would stalk me there, he broke my cellphone, he beat up or tried to hurt any male friends and isolated me from the female ones, he kept my wallet and personal materials. He would hit me, slap me, choke me, threaten to kill me, choke me, throw things at me. He’s locked me in rooms when he’s at work, he’s tied me to the bed, he’s handcuffed me, he’s thrown me into a burning hot shower because he said my make-up made me look like a whore. He would beat me and rape me. When I told him no, he would beat me with a bat and told me that the word no did not exist for sluts like me.

Things got worse, he grew more sadistic. He started throwing parties where him and his friends would get drunk and then they would all gang rape me. Eventually, he realized he could make money with me. He became my pimp, my fiance, my captor, rapist, and abuser. He became my living walking nightmare. I was being forced into the sex industry. I just couldn’t see a way to get out alive. I truly believed he was going to be the cause of my death.

He made me profiles on sex sites, used craigslist, and even got me hooked up working at swingers parties that another low life wannabe pimp ran. He was security he would say but he ran the operation. But at least there I wasn’t alone, I worked with other sex workers, strippers, and porn stars. Most of them felt financially trapped or physically. We were all damaged and broken. But at least there I felt a sick sense of unity and sisterhood. We tried to help and take care of each other. These parties happened in hotel rooms. The hotel manager knew it was going on cause they had an arrangement. He would come at the end of the event and pick a girl to service him.

This life was draining, my hopes were gone, my dreams crushed, and my future was uncertain. What changed for me was I was able to contact a friend. I told them what was going on. He came to save me and take me out of the situation. He literally broke into his house when he was at work to get me out. After that I laid low, i hardly went outside. I feared he would find me and kill me…..or even worse bring me back to my hell.

I was left scared, broken, scarred, mentally unstable, depressed, and just overall damaged. I felt I got what I deserved and that I did not deserve anything better because that’s what this man made me believe. He broke me down to think this is okay. I eventually hit rock bottom trying to kill myself. It wasn’t until then that I reached out and got counseling. I may be physically free of him but not mentally. It’s been years and I still have nightmares and struggle with PTSD. Some days are harder than others and I wonder will I ever win. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever feel okay? Or will I always feel like this dirty whore who got what she deserved?

Truth is I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll be okay. I’m happier now and with a loving fiance who would never ever want to hurt me. He really is a weak man with no back bone and is the opposite of confrontational. But for me he’s safe. But i don’t deserve such a great sweet guy. He can do so much better. But for some reason he loves me and knows my past. He says he loves me more because of how strong I am and how I fought to survive. Will we make it? I hope so but still just as my past, I feel life can be unpredictable. Life can change so easily.

1 comment

Thanks for sharing your story. Forgive me, for this might be a sensitive issue, but have you been able to connect emotionally again with counseling? Also, have you learned to cope without alcohol or drugs? And do you have advice for other victims?

I love someone dearly and wished she got counseling. I understand PTSD can have treatment with marijuana, what is your opinion? Thanks.

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