"Bill Clinton, upon awakening from a nightmare in which he was 75 and had to pee 25 times a day."--Daniel Radosh

"A.S. Byatt, pleased to find her favorite Judy Blume book, Tiger Eyes, also meets her exacting criteria for the Modern Library's top 100 novels list."--Jennifer Miller

"TV executives, thrilled that the network assembly line had managed to once more produce one truly godawful show--The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer--that would deflect criticism and attention away from their merely mediocre offerings. Later in the day, the executives piled their sins atop The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer and sent it out into the desert to die."--Tim Carvell

"The Hollywood branch of the NAACP, presumptively assuming that Desmond Pfeiffer will be replaced by a show with positive images of African-Americans, like In Living Color."--Norman Oder

"My diarrheic cat about the human slaves who daily change the litter. Of course, she expressed her gratitude in the adorable tropes of a cat's symbolic language: disfiguring the couch before doing nothing for 18 hours."--Jim O'Grady

"Dick Armey, leaving the Capitol Hill South Mail Boxes Etc., after picking up his 'Horny Frat Boys Video of the Month' package addressed to Mr. John Doe. 'Tom DeLay told me that they never check the addressee's name against the renter's!' "--Doug Strauss

"Tom DeLay, hearing that Geraldo Rivera was deported for airing mildly pro-Clinton opinions on his CNBC program. 'The INS and FCC came through on my complaint!' he exclaimed."--Gary Frazier

"Jack Welch, CEO of General Electric. He was speaking of GE being granted permanent rights to 'do pretty much whatever the hell we want whenever the hell we want to whomever the hell we want.' Welch and several associates then burned a small upstate New York town to the ground."--Floyd Elliot

"Statement from major league baseball umpires, after home plate ump Ted Hendry doubled the size of the strike zone for a whole game and first base ump John Shulock gave Cleveland the game with a crummy call at first base. 'As we always say, the best umpire is the one whose picture appears in the paper the next day.' "--Christopher Clark

"Carolina Panthers quarterback Steve Beuerlein, who despite being 97 years old will get his chance to start another NFL game this Sunday because incumbent quarterback Kerry Collins is apparently too obsessed with Flytrap to concentrate on playing football and has sat himself down."--Aaron Schatz

"Professional sorcerers hailed the continued effectiveness of the curses on the Red Sox and Cubs."--Charlie Glassenberg

"Trent Lott, after successfully suing Ex-Gay Ministries for clerical malpractice. 'They told me my feelings for Dick Armey were sick and twisted, and for years I believed them. Thanks to the great lawyers at the Lesbian and Gay Legal Defense Fund, the American Civil Liberties Union, the National Organization for Women, and the Freedom From Religion Foundation, those bigoted trolls are singing another tune today!' "--Katha Pollitt

"Jack Valenti, president of the Motion Picture Association of America, gleefully noting that Courtney Cox and David Arquette are now engaged. 'Our industry's plan to match up gorgeous women and nebbishy guys--thereby giving hope to geeks everywhere and preserving the magic of the movies--proceeds apace,' Valenti gloated."--Tim Carvell

"Gates finally bought that Mac?"--Peter Lerangis

"Me, after de-installing Windows 98."--Jonathan E. Snow

"A New York City commuter, who arrived to work via the No. 2 subway only nine minutes late."--Jon Delfin