‎Often regarded as one of the oldest educational facilities in the world, Hogwarts is universally acknowledged as the most prestigious university on the planet. Located on the Shivering Isles in the Mediteranean Sea, its name is derived from the Old proto-Indo-European 'haggart', meaning "Light of the mind".

Hogwarts is an immense old castle that looks to muggles like a moldy old ruin, but has in fact been open for over a thousand years, looking to wizards like a moldy old ruin that they're forced to sleep in. It is also immensely secretive. The UN has decreed that no one can report on Hogwarts without special permission from all UN security council members, or even touch it anymore. Linda Barker has frequently asked to visit to clean the place up. These requests have been denied time and time again. This upsets Snape, who wants to get to know Linda better. Poor Snape.

After someone read a science book by Benjamin Franklin, the founders engaged in a fancy name change and called it the "Bloustein School of Planning and Public Policy" and moved to America, where all the wizards turned their broomsticks into maps and set a spell that caused houses and shops to suddenly erupt near train stations. Dumbledore called this "Smart Growth", as opposed to "Cancer", which is a bunch of party dudes at whatever school is closest to you. Why this was done is not known, but Dumbledore was allegedly pissed off over Harry Potter's wrecking a car at Hogwarts. Thus, they didn't want anyone to use cars or broomsticks near cities, so they set about casting spells causing buildings to appear everywhere, which apparently seems to make sense to wizards and witches at Hogwarts Bloustein (at least when they aren't dressing up as pirates for silly dances and going on broomstick excursions to Jersey City). However, there have been lawsuits about mixed-use developments suddenly blooming up under people's feet (thus throwing them into the air) and devouring unsuspecting pedestrians. Like Doub-O and Chuck Norris's son.

Or so the popular books by J.K. Rowling would have us believe.

Contents

Academic Performance

Harry: "What happened to Ron?" Hermione: "He didn't make it."

Hogwarts, despite being one of the country's oldest public schools, has a poor academic record. In 2005 OFSTED inspectors described the school as "[...] a crumbling ruin full of knuckledragging, semi-literate cretins. Honestly, we've seen sink estates with more intellectual vigour than this lot" (Reuters). The school's emphasis on Potions, Quidditch and Necromancy means that pupils often leave the school barely able to hold a pencil correctly. And to answer you questions, yes, this school involves brewing meth and other illegal drugs. Hence code names "Potions". It also promotes sex, mainly homosexually, because it has been proven that people certainly use their broomstick a lot. Its qualifications are written on cheese meaning it can't even make the league table.

Agent of Infection

AIDS outbreaks are as common as they are slightly toasted. The main cause of these outbreaks is the AIDS infected headmaster of Hogwarts demanding a group orgy with all female teachers and students above the age of 18. Over time, these females contract and spread the virus to all male/minor students.

Hogwarts: A History

In 1127, King Cuthlbrodmickle the Broad developed a Hogwart on his head so large that upon suddenly dismounting from his horse, the extra weight broke his neck.

King Juan Carnoza de Flambé de Malaga of Spain was attempting to swim the Tagus when his massive Hogwarts dragged him underwater. (He was trying to escape the Moors, who wished to circumcise him.)

While conquering Egypt, Napoleon barely fought off a gangrenous infection of his Hogwarts. General Leclerc was so sickened by the smell of Napolean's putrefying wart tissue that he attacked Ætheopia just to get away from his commander.

King Louis XVI, while trying to escape France in disguise during the Revolution, had his escape foiled by an angry mob who recognised him by the giant wart on his forehead.

In 1238, Hogwarts was taken over by Mexican Illegal Immigrants. They Moved out when the FBI inspected the place.

In 1355, Hitler became headmaster but quit because there were too many black people in the castle.

In 1475, Michael Jackson was on the staff roll, known as Professor Peter File. He was fired in 4 months, after his sex scandal with a student. He produced a sex tape of the incident, and leaked it on the internet.

In 1492, Christopher Columbus discovered Hogwarts, the way he discovered America. Hogwarts was already flourishing for over 2,000 years.

In 1509, The Year of Retarded Magic, every student failed or was killed by "magical accidents" during that year.

In 1691, Zoidberg becomes Headmaster, but retired after the Health Inspector found out.

in 1703, A Burmese tiger is mistaken for a kitten with a overly large pituitary gland. It kills 17 students before the mistake is finally realised; several more "adoptions" lead to the death of over 58 students.

In 1768, Tinky Winky enrols but is kicked out after smuggling drugs into the school, and molesting Dobby.

In 1769, Tinky Winky tries to enrol again. They let him back in, but ends up having another orgy with the teachers and is kicked out again.

In 1770, Drugs are sold through the dealer Severus Snape, who proceeds to cash on favors and becomes the "King of Hogwarts". After a gang war with the rival concentration camp in Britain, they are defeated. A riot ensues, destroying Hogwarts.

In 1899, Hogwarts becomes a Japanese Firework Factory, to make money owing to the economic problems at the time.

In 1962, Professor McGonagall is caught shoplifting 4 bottles of Radox Lavender shower gel at Harrods. The manager of the store calls the police and two officers come to arrest her, so she fakes a seizure. Mcgonogall is placed in a cell for three days and is forced to do 72 hours' community service in the Forbidden Forest.

In 1968, police are called to the school's graduation ceremony. The conflict begins as a five-on-five battle between students and officers but escalates. Eventually the riot squad arrives, leading to the school's demolition.

In 1982, Sewer Pipes Burst and floods the school, drowning most students in 50 year old shit.

In 1985, Mr Filch accidentally lets all the school pets escape. Headmaster Dumbledore shoots and kills the animals, leading to another school riot. The school is destroyed.

In 1987 the Hogwarts express collides with the 2:30 from London; 127 muggles die (no wizards are killed).

In 1996, Voldemort puts a curse on everyone, making them cannibals. The school has yet another riot and is destroyed.

April, 1996, Doby turns into his father Jar Jar Binks, and his accent is so terrible that many students suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

September 1997, Snape and Dumbledore order pizza and gulp down fifty or so beers while listening to the new Verve album - Urban Hymns. They have an argument and Snape bets Dumbledore a weeks wages that he can "knock out a Norwegian Ridgeback in less than three punches". Dumbledore accepts the bet, but Snape fights the dragon and loses, he ends up in a coma for 5 months and survives by feeding on pumpkin juice from a drip.

In 1999, Hogwarts is awarded the "Best Place Ever For Suicide by viewers of an Arabictelevision show.

2000, through reasons unknown the goonies appear in the staff lounge of Hogwarts, another riot ensues. The school is partially destroyed and a Dobby goes suicidal and finishes off the school with a bomb.

2009, Albus Dumbledore accepts Radcliffe as his lawfully wedded civil partner, at a ceremony at Hogwarts.

The Fate of Hogwarts

Hogwarts was closed for students in 2011, after it was discovered by OFSTED that there were many health and safety violations, including moving stairs and three headed dogs. After the closure, Hogwarts is demolished and is replaced by a McDonalds which offers student discounts as well as good service.

Trivia

Reliable sources within the Hogwarts' gay society also indicate that Ron may be a total fruit.

J.K. Rowling has miss-interperated the "Room of Requirement". It was actually a room where the lonely teachers of Hogwarts school went for some "relief" (a room that contatains whatever fetish the user requires)

Hogs

You'd see this one in 200 years if you attend this "school".

Alien hogs are known to raid Hogwarts every 156.5 years since 1234. The next raid will happen on Friday, May 13, 2033. If you get attacked, you will become gay in just 12.34 milliseconds OR if you are lucky, use laser vision to transform those creatures into your farting power.

Note: All wands will be destroyed by the time it comes.

Other

It should be noted that the Wizard's Staff has got a knob on the end of it, but that that is nothing compared to what is on the end of the Witch's broomstick.
It should also be noted that you can replace the word "wand" for the word "wang", to prove that both Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley are homosexual. And that all witches are filthy whores.

Hogwarts' Theme Song

The Hogwarts theme song, composed by Strudalophagus Magimicini in the year 'approximately a thousand years ago', was decoded and found to actually house Mr Magimicini's true feelings toward Hogwarts. Lyrics provided here.