Forget 250ml of syrupy-pink bull sperm for £1.01 a pop – you need €50m (£44m) to give yourself a set of proper wings. That much was evident on Saturday evening when two red-clad speed freaks tore up the pitch in the Allianz Arena to leave even their team-mate Mario Gómez gasping. "I couldn't keep up with them," the Bayern striker said later. Neither could Wolfsburg.

Arjen Robben and Franck Ribéry only played 30 minutes together in the second half, but that was more than enough to utterly destroy the champions. The visitors were happy with keeping the score respectable at 3–0 in the end.

The German press went into pun-tastic overdrive in the face of the duo's devastating display. "Robb and Roll rock Bayern", gushed the Kicker. "Rib and Rob, the most dangerous wingmen in the world", wrote Spox.

Süddeutsche Zeitung demanded "respect for Robbéry" and Bild hailed the arrival of the "Baylaktischen", the Baylacticos, and their "football from another planet". The Real Madrid reference is quite apt: Robben, signed for €25m last Friday, won't solve any of his new club's grave defensive problems. On the contrary, Bayern's top-heaviness is fast approaching Marge Simpson proportions. But as an attacking double-act, the pair will take some stopping.

It's all the fault of little Mainz 05, of course. Their 2-1 win over Bayern last week had the league laughing, Bayern supporters tut-tutting (they wrote an open letter to the board, detailing all the planning mistakes in cod-academic, high-school language) and Uli Hoeness pressing the panic button.

He plundered the last few million from the club's fabled current account to sign one of his favourite players. Robben, who was promised that the mercurial Ribéry would stay this season before he signed, duly scored two wonderful counter-attacking goals on his Bundesliga debut. "Tulpen aus Amsterdam" (Tulips from Amsterdam) was booming out of the speakers. The crowd went ballistic – by Bavarian standards. In the stands, the bosses were waving their arms in the air triumphantly. We shall assume that the stain on Hoeness's shirt was ketchup.

"Bayern have decided that they want to compete at the top level and compensate for their sporting and strategic weaknesses the way they do it in England, Spain and Italy: at all cost," wrote Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung with mild disdain. As long as they spend it on genuine stars rather than imagined ones, few neutrals will complain.

After the search for a playmaker proved fruitless, Bayern's coach Louis van Gaal can now play his preferred 4-3-3 system. Going forward, the advantages are obvious: out of form centre-forwards stay on the bench while RibRob/RobRib switch positions to unnerve defenders and enjoy the artistic licence that their creativity demands. "The manager gives me the freedom to go where I want," said Robben.

As in Arsenal's case, the new formation has the welcome side-effect of providing added protection to the back four. Anatoly Tymoschuk, outplayed as the sole sitting midfielder a week ago, suddenly looked comfortable with a little help from Bastian Schweinsteiger and Hamit Altintop. There's an interesting lesson here: if your central midfielders aren't good enough, just add more.

Wolfsburg had seemingly little interest in spoiling the Dutch-French love-fest. Armin Veh's side never got going and left the strikers Edin Dzeko and Grafite completely isolated throughout. Without the injured captain Josué, Zvjezdan Misimovic tried to do too much and ended up doing too little. "We wanted to keep it tight at the back and play on the counter," said the manager. Obviously, no one had listened. Veh must fear that Wolves could suffer the same championship hangover that he experienced two seasons ago with Stuttgart.

The Volkswagen club had lost a second match on the trot but should have enough class to ride out the storm. Nobody's had tougher opening fixtures, either.

"Magath's legacy becomes Veh's burden", wrote Welt. The Schalke manager would, however, love to have his successor's problems. After a promising start that belied the inherent mediocrity of the squad, the Royal Blues lost 1-0 at home to the new boys, Freiburg. It was, according to Süddeutsche Zeitung, a "headless, helpless, clueless" performance, a revelation of sorts. Even Magath's magic fitness regime won't turn this squad into a real force this season.

Worse for Schalke, they've been unable to strengthen this summer due to acute liquidity problems. The former general manager Rudi Assauer has controversially claimed that players did not receive their wages on time and that Schalke owed money to suppliers. Future sponsorship revenue, it turns out, has already been spent on expensive flops by the previous regime. On Saturday it looked as if Magath could offload the right-back Rafinha to Bayern, but the Bavarians decided against buying the little Brazilian in the end. Serious offers from abroad have also failed to materialise.

"Transitional campaign" won't do the horror justice; it'll be a long, ugly slog for Schalke. In contrast, there's something almost romantic about Bayern's new pairing: Rib and Rob's passionate affair is no doubt fired by the knowledge that their relationship is sadly of a temporary nature. They will rock Germany hard, for one season and one season only.