I USED to think I was a great mom. I had one kid. We went to play dates, the park, played legos, and I never really felt the need to "escape." Then, somehow, in the matter of 2 years...my one kid turned into THREE kids. This, my friends, is when life threw me a curve ball. All of a sudden everything got a little tougher, a little more tiring and A LOT more stressful. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change it for the world. Being a mother is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me, but daily, I feel myself loosing my patience. I start to get crabby when someone won't listen, or everyone is screaming or someone is crapping their pants, and I feel myself slowly start to "loose my shit." I HATE it that I can let myself get broken down to this point...and like many moms out there...I get that awful MOMMY GUILT thinking about how I can loose my temper at such ridiculous situations. I lie awake at night and pray for patience! I think back on my day and wonder how in the HELL I am able to transform from the sweet, loving MOMMY that I want to be, to this tired, emotional and stressed out MONSTER!! Maybe it is because I haven't had 3, consecutive, hours of sleep in FIVE years...or, maybe it's because my day usually starts with someone staring in my face, at 6AM, asking me to wipe their butt or to get them a stick of cheese. I am not really sure if I can pinpoint when my tipping point is triggered. I can honestly tell you, every day I start out REALLY wanting to have enough patience to deal with all of the screaming, crying, whining, boogers, crap, hitting, kicking, spitting, biting, tantrums, messes...but every night I fall asleep feeling guilty and wondering HOW IN THE WORLD I can allow 3 little angels to turn me into such a BEAST??!!

So, my name is Jenny...and yes..I am a yeller. I don't want to be, but I am. I don't just start off yelling...it is normally after telling my son 10 times to sit down while eating his dinner. Or sometimes it's because my daughter has removed her diaper for the 5th time in one day and smeared shit all over her closet doors. I don't know. I don't want to do it. It just happens, and to be honest...my kids seem to pay a lot more attention to me when I actually do loose my cool. Before having babies it was SO easy to judge moms who would pinch their kids in Target, just to get them to stop harassing each other in the cart. Or maybe it was the neighbor who would threaten to leave her son in the driveway if he didn't climb into his seat RIGHT THEN!!! It might have been a friend who would yell at her kids, "If everyone doesn't stop bothering at me, I am going to have to lock myself in the pantry!!" while attempting to have a phone conversation. But now...I understand.

A lot of people will say...It must be soooooooooooooo easy to be a stay-at-home mom! All you have to do is keep the house clean and play with your kids! You get to hang around and watch Oprah, eat bon bons and pant your toenails. Wow, wouldn't that be a DREAM JOB?? What they don't understand are the emotional battles we fight daily within our selves just to try to balance all of the crazy situations we encounter!!

Lets talk about WHY a day, in a mom's life, might be emotionally draining.

#1. We clean CRAP, literally, probably 20% of the day. Between wiping butts, cleaning bathrooms or picking up dog doo in the yard, our shit radar is on FIRE.

#2. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! Is the most used word in the house. Gosh, it's amazing how one little word can be so amazing, beautiful and SO incredibly annoying at the same time.

#3. Everyone seems to have selective hearing. It might be easier just to tape record yourself and hit play. How many times can one person ask a child to put on his shoes before they get aggervated? Seriously, W.T.F.

#4. We look like homeless people. We wear our snot-sleeved shirts, faded black yoga pants and greased back pony tails out, and believe this to be totally acceptable for daily excursions.

#5. We actually try to reason with toddlers.

#6. Strollers, car seats, diaper bags, snack packs, hand sanitizer are all things we have to prepare before even leaving the house.

#7. The Witching Hour - What a total asshole.

The list could go on, because frankly...although it is the most AMAZING job in the world, one in which I thank God every night to have the privilege of doing...it is the HARDEST job, in which there is no training, preparation, or most times, recognition.

"Mommy Guilt" sucks...and it happens to us all. But if you are ever lying in bed at night, wondering if little Johnny will remember how you snapped at him for trying to finger the dog's butt, just remember we are all human. If we didn't experience that guilt, maybe we wouldn't strive to be better moms. Maybe it's the guilt that helps us to change our behaviors, see what is really important and helps us to not sweat the small stuff.

Instead of worrying about what you DIDN'T do today, start remembering what you did do. Laundry, cleaning, cooking, just getting all the kids dressed and teeth brushed deserves a high five!! So maybe you lost your shit, yelled at your son, then took a shot of tequila at lunch. We all have our moments. You're not alone and you are not a failure. It's our mistakes that make us stronger. It's not an easy job, but it's the best job, and one in which you might not hear a daily "Thank You," but one which will pay out the biggest bonus in the end.

This is totally me. All. The. Time. And I only have one 2.5 yr old. But I also am taking classes and have a from-home buisness. I serisouly end up shutting my daughter in her room with snacks and a sippy and turn on her TV, which THANK GOD she knows how to work herself, until its lunch, at which point I spend about an hour with her and feed her lunch, then its back on the computer for more school and work till dad gets home around 5. I feel like such an awful mom most days because I cant spend as much time with her during the day as I would like. And I REALLY hate letting the TV raise my kid, but without it Elsa is under foot and pulling at my clothes, and trying to turn my chair to pull me out of it, and saying mommy over and over and over and over... and it makes me crazy. Im SO greatful that she is still young enough that she likely wont remember how insane I am right now.

Reply

Jenny

2/4/2013 10:27:41 am

That's tough. Good luck with school and your business! Sounds like you have a lot in your plate!

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Jeannette Phillips

1/29/2013 08:28:13 am

I can sympathize. I have 2 kids a 3 and a 4 year old. Went through a really bitter divorce and almost everyday I lose my "cool". I hate that I am a yeller I really do. I also go through the "mommy guilt". I lie awake at night and feel guilty that I yelled at my kids. There are days that It would be easier to let their dad have full custody but Im glad I dont. It is one of the most rewarding yet the hardest job! Even harder than my 40+ hours a week job!!

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Jenny

2/4/2013 10:27:02 am

I hear ya. I caught myself today, feeling guilty for raising my voice at my kids this morning. They were all screaming before I had my coffee. I feel like its important we try to remember all the good moments too. I am sure they far out way the bad ones!! Hang in there!!

Jenny!
I found myself laughing and crying and relating and cringing and again, laughing, through this entire post. You absolutely hit the nail on the head. Thank you for being so honest and so funny. It's a constant battle we all seem to have as mothers... we should all recognize and take credit for the fact that we are doing our absolute best, but should also know it's ok, and be able to admit, that we're probably f-ing it all up some of the time. Again, thank you! <3 you!

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Jennifer Dunlap

1/29/2013 12:03:58 pm

Awe, thanks Melissa! I found myself feeling guilty again today for just raising my voice when all 3 kids were yelling this morning. Ugh..a constant battle!!

I really like the bit about the guilt possibly being necessary to change our behaviors to be better moms. Sometimes I feel guilty about feeling guilty, like, why am I dwelling on the bad stuff when I did do some good today?! Ugh. You know what I mean?

Good post. I'm glad I found it.

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Jenny

2/4/2013 10:30:41 am

I TOTALLY know what you mean!! Today I made home made applesauce, pesto and chicken fingers. We did Valentines, I folded all the laundry AND took the kids to the park. But here I am thinking I am an a-hole for yelling at the kids in the car!! See...we can't help ourselves, it is the mommy syndrome!

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Papla

1/30/2013 01:35:40 am

Omg! This is so true!.. And I go thru this everyday and I only have 2 kids. Motherhood is not easy n most of the time we do loss our patience!. I feel more better now n thank you for such a great blog

I love a blog written from the trenches. Your honesty reminds me that the only way around this is through. It also reminds me of (a now cherished) memory of our then 7 year old knocking persistently on the bathroom door, mournfully trying to get through to the 20-something babysitter: "Hallloooo... (knock knock knock) Halloooo?" "Just a minute Frank!" (repeat five times).

I'm a yeller, too. I've gotten to a point where I realize that it's not as often as I think, and it's improved with time and the power of guilt. I'm with you. And by the way, "...fingered a dog's butt!?" Hahaha! That pic at the top of this blog entry caught my eye because I think that's how I looked one day when my daughter was boinking a helium balloon around the car and at the back of my head a billion times and wouldn't listen when I kept telling her to stop it, and finally when we got to a stop light, I yelled STOP, snatched the balloon away, and BIT it to make it pop! Cuh-razy! (Should have seen the person in the car next to me, watching.) That is perhaps my lowest moment, but I can honestly look back on it and laugh, and thankfully, she doesn't remember.

I swear you just described my life but I only have 2 boys - 19 months apart. I was always calm, cool and collected. Now I'm a screaming lunatic. I actually just posted okay about when did this parenting stuff get to be so difficult. Everything is great one day then boom - chaos and loss of all control. Us moms need to stick together.... We all go through it at some point. I just pray every night that its a phase and my kids don't turn out to be violent mass murderers. That's all I can ask for these days!!!!!

Which idiot tells you that being a SAHM is an easy job?!! WOW! I am usually so happy when Monday rolls along and I get to go to my office!! I truly am awed by women who choose to be stay at home moms! You're amazing!!

I teach in an urban district where I start classes @ 7:15 and continuously manage behavior until usually 5 because I teach after school. Only to come home and transition to being a mom where I find my patience is not at its peak! Did I mention I'm pregnant? Lol

Love this article!! I'm up way too late looking at Facebook on my phone in bed, trying to be quiet as I CRACK UP LAUGHING at everything you wrote with my husband sleeping next to me! Thank you for being SO completely honest. It's truly comforting to hear so many other moms have these feelings. I didn't think I was alone, but I also didn't think yelling and feeling so guilty were common.. I'm starting to think its more common than I thought :).