Believe In Your Child

A comedian's guide to Jewish parenting.

It had been a tough semester. After spending most of high school on the honor roll, the transcript for my second semester of college consisted almost entirely Cs. For me, this report card confirmed my worst fears. In my eyes it meant that I was, and always would be, a failure.

I remember returning home to Baltimore, and moping around the house. I told my mother that I was thinking of switching colleges. Maybe somewhere with less emphasis on academics would suit me better?

But over the course of the summer, my mood changed. It wasn't anything my parents said. My father didn't say, "I also got a C in college chemistry!" and my mother didn't insist, "Next semester will be different!" What changed my mood was simply my parents' unspoken and unwavering belief in me and my potential that I inhaled along with the air of my childhood home. It emanated from the bookshelves and the carpets and the very foundation of the house itself.

In my home, I knew that Jenny Freedman was no failure. I knew it because my parents knew it.

A few years later I was a new immigrant to Israel. Suddenly, even the simplest interactions with Israelis in my broken Hebrew -- paying the electricity bill, negotiating the price of a taxi ride, renewing my rental contract -- left me feeling incapable and humiliated.

I remember returning to Baltimore once every few months during those difficult years and feeling different the moment I walked through my parents' door. At that moment, I was no longer the stammering nobody my Israeli neighbors saw. In my parents' home I was Jenny Freedman, and that very fact meant I was capable. It meant I was somebody. And that made all the difference in the world.

MY OWN CHILDREN

After three years in Israel, my husband and I established a home of our own with the name "Weisberg" on our door. When I became a mother soon afterwards, I knew that of the many gifts my parents had given me, the one that I most wanted to pass on to my own children was the blessing of unconditional belief in them.

But as my children grew older, I learned that this is not always as easy as my parents made it look.

One day, several years after I became a mother, the phone rang. "Mrs. Weisberg, your daughter has been hitting the other children in nursery school. The other mothers have started to complain." My three-year-old daughter had already earned me a year of nasty looks from mothers of children with pulled hair or bites or scratches on playgrounds and any other place I risked taking her.

I was clearly a terrible mother. My daughter was hopelessly violent. Something, somehow, had gone terribly wrong. I remember the despair I felt like it was yesterday.

Every good comedian will tell you that comedy equals tragedy plus time. Eddie Murphy could have you in stitches with a tale from his recent root canal, but when the dentist was standing over him with a drill in his mouth, he was cringing, not laughing.

In the same way, when it comes to educating our children, my own experience of motherhood has shown me over and over that comedy equals tragedy plus time. Lots of time.

That same daughter who caused me years of hardship and embarrassment is today pure sweetness

That same daughter who caused me years of hardship and embarrassment is today pure sweetness. She is always the first child to lend a helping hand, or to make a get-well card for a sick friend, or to rush to comfort a crying baby. Today I can laugh at myself.

But back then, with the drill in my mouth, minus the time, it felt like no laughing matter.

Because raising children requires such large quantities of patience, Jewish sources compare faith in our children to gardening,

Just as a gardener plants a tulip bulb in the ground, and can wait months and months with no sign of growth or progress, so too, with our children, we can wait months and years and never see our parenting efforts bear fruit. The class bully remains a bully. The social outcast remains an outcast. The oversensitive child continues coming home every day in tears.

But just as the gardener believes that the tulip bulb he planted is developing roots unseen deep underneath the ground, our sages implore parents to maintain faith that even the latest bloomer will eventually bloom.

They remind parents of the supreme importance of maintaining belief in a child's potential even in cases when the child's teachers and principal and even grandparents became convinced that this bulb was a dud long ago.

One parenting expert had a son who earned her and her husband dozens of stern conversations from teachers and principals. Before one such meeting with a principal who wanted to expel their son from school, she and her husband spent a full 20 minutes sitting in their car assuring themselves that as parents they see a side of their son that the principal didn't.

The mother reminded herself that when this son was four years old he gave his very own coveted chocolate bar to his crying younger sister. The father reminded himself that he was a child who was unable to sit still, but that he was also a child with a heart of gold.

These parents spent this time in their parked car because they understood that their attitude towards their son had the power to make him or break him.

They also understood that at times when it is most difficult to believe in our children is when they require our faith in them the most.

Parents who believe in their children are not ostriches who bury their heads in the sand. Even the parent with the strongest belief in a child's potential also needs to take practical steps to deal with issues as they arise.

But without our unwavering belief that our children will overcome the challenges they face, even with the help of the best psychiatrists and parenting experts and occupational therapists, our precious children will still face an uphill battle- with a heavy backpack, our doubts, weighing them down.

Since the call from that nursery school teacher so many years ago, I have received other calls over the years. Without fail, each of these calls takes the wind out of me.

But when this happens, I put down the phone and remind myself that today that same boy whose parents sat in the car is a devoted father and husband and is a beloved principal himself. I take a deep breath and remind myself that as long as I believe that things will get better when I'm cringing in the dentist chair, chances are that within a few short months or years, I will be laughing.

About the Author

Chana Jenny Weisberg is the author of One Baby Step at a Time: 7 Secrets of Jewish Motherhood (Urim) as well as the creator of the popular Jewish Mom Video Series that can be viewed on her website www.JewishMom.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 23

(23)
Paula,
January 25, 2007 6:55 AM

But why should someone elses child cry?

Please remember. Although you have faith that it all turns out in the end you must remember to keep in mind that another child can be scarred for life from a vindictive or abusive or bullying peer. Just a thought. Your words are very reassuring.. But do not let your own need to look positively on your life and towards your child deter you from taking disciplinary action or installing corrective behaviours.. "he will grow out of it" or "she is just a kid" sometimes isnt enough. Thanks

(22)
TEMI HOROWITZ,
January 22, 2007 11:29 PM

BELIEF NOURISHES THE CHILD

I FIND THESE ARTICLES EXTREMELY INSPIRATIONAL. I TRY TO KEEP THEM IN MIND WHENEVER I FACE DIFFICULT SITUATIONS. THEY ARE ALWAYS INSPIRING.

(21)
Pascale raitan,
January 19, 2007 7:27 AM

Chana,my dear, you are sooooo right.Laughing and relaxing about situations in life is the best therapy.Our Creator loves us, and only showers us with good, even when we do not see it .

Let us start laughing now, what is a few months or years to eternity?

(20)
MARK WARRENER,
January 18, 2007 11:06 PM

I got a lot out of it. Thank you.

I got a lot out of it. Thank you.

(19)
Dodi,
January 18, 2007 3:23 PM

RE: Mervie

Mrs. Jackie, we have had such problems in our family. The first thing that I would explore is that your child might have some hearing loss. My brother had this condition. My son has the condition known as tongue-tied, which delayed intelligible speech for years. We found out about it when he was 10! His dentist found it, but the pediatrician did not. B"H, he had teachers who merely thought he was "babytalking" so made him enunciate clearly. My dear, explore other avenues if at all possible, and remember that Hashem doesn't give what you are not able to bear.

(18)
Jackie,
January 17, 2007 10:42 PM

Mervie

My son doesn't have any of those symptoms. A heart murmur was heard at birth and never again. B"H very healthy. Still, he walked at 20 months and still only has a handful of words. He does not always understand what you say to him at 2 1/2. I try to be hopeful. Where is the hope, though?

(17)
Sandra,
January 17, 2007 9:27 PM

Tima and time again encouragement pays...

I have seen first hand inmy family that negativism and degrading..downgrading...destroys self and self motivation... but wow...time, patience, perseverence and lovingkindness reaps... fantastic rewards...than yo for the inspiring..n in New York for your love and inspiration...her motto is TIME AND PATIENCE....

(16)
Anonymous,
January 16, 2007 5:08 PM

Thanks!

Thank you for a most wonderful, thought provoking and moving article, may Hashem bless us all to be able to see further then the here and now of our tough moments.

(15)
Yaffa M.,
January 16, 2007 9:11 AM

WOW!!!

Absolutely inspiring! Wonderfully written! Thank you so much.

(14)
laurie,
January 16, 2007 4:37 AM

speech-delayed

To Jackie, the mother with the speech-delayed child....my brother's son was born with various ailments, (heart murmer, suseptible to ear infections, etc) and while most symptoms were taken care of piecemeal, his speech delay was shrugged at by their pediatrician, who just said that he was a "slow developer".

Until my brother "happened" to speak to a woman who was researching children born with such symptoms...turns out it's a genetic condition, and one of the symptoms is a misformed palate, which makes it difficult for these children to speak!

As my brother said, after they picked him off the floor, he had his son checked, and sure enough, that was his problem...an operation and some speech therapy later, and a very bright boy is doing great!

I forget what the Syndrome is called, but my brother said that after he alterted their pediatrician, the doctor told him that within a few month's time, he saw two other such cases, and was now able to quickly diagnose it.

(13)
jackie,
January 15, 2007 3:30 PM

Tell me more

I need that too! My friendly cute 2 1/2 year old is speech delayed. He is starting to recognize shapes and alphabet letters if you write them but he does not speak and what he does say is not clear. He is affectionate but cannot kiss me because he does not have the mouth muscles to do so. His speech therapist says she does not know what to do to help him any longer! They're giving up and i don't know what to do.

(12)
Yoshe :),
January 15, 2007 11:03 AM

Parents, Children and Patience :)

Our children need as much to be patient with us as we need to be patient with them. We learn from each other, like stumbling mumblers recognizing our common needs. Shalom v' Simcha, Yoshe :)

(11)
Rivka,
January 15, 2007 1:44 AM

That's a wonderful article, I needed that. And I needed it today! Thank you!

(10)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2007 12:15 AM

I can relate

Thanks for writing this wonderful article. I can definitely relate, with a three-year-old daughter who just entered nursery in September, I've been fielding a lot of these phone calls, and sobering conversations with my daughter's morahs. My daughter, who has always been very smart, very into books, who has an impressive vocabulary, sense of humor, and mature understanding of the world, was booted from school for the first two weeks, for not being fully potty trained. I cried as if I was the one being suspended. The Morahs had to comfort ME!After those two weeks, my daughter and I were both sitting at the dinner table, when my dear child verbalized the same thoughts I'd been thinking, that she was ready to go back: "Ima, I'm tired of summer vacation. I'm ready to go back to nursery." After returning to school, she was suspended a few weeks later, for having a peepee accident. Then, every day, another criticism. She doesn't listen. She doesn't listen when the teacher says come to circle time. All the other girls can put on their coats by themselves. Why can't she? (In fact, another mother told me that her daughter received the very same complaint.) She's only three! Amidst all the criticism, it's been hard to focus on how smart, and special, and proud I am of her accomplishments. What a special girl she is. It got so that last week, I asked the Morah to tell me what my daughter did that was good. There were plenty of things. The Morah had fun telling me some of the more memorable anecdotes. And I told her I wanted to hear more about them. She then agreed that she had been remiss by focusing on the negative so much, and she would be sure to call me more often with more positive feedback.

(9)
Elissa Grunwald,
January 14, 2007 7:36 PM

Supportive, understanding parents are the vibration of our childrens lives

Rich or poor its love, positive words, and time spent with our children that makes them feel important. Parents who praise the good quatities and stand by their child during their own times of hardship give a tremendous lifelong strength. I hear too many parents call their kids, "morons", stupid idiot, and demean them to the point they prove to their parents that they indeed are a failure. When kids hear words of parental rejection they reject themselves, or give others continued permission to do this to them. Man was created in G-D's image and parents "create" children and are so powerful we can make them or break them. They look to us for their strength, and they give us ours. Parents conduct the homes energy, the "orchestra" and create the vibrations that will resonate through to our children and A'H on to the next generation... Positive and unconditional love prooves itself over and over again in pain and trying times and easily in good ones. Thank You for your beautiful human words and may you never run out of wind. eg

(8)
GillianF,
January 14, 2007 6:45 PM

This was superb.I am printing it out and stickitapting it to my wall.Thanks!!!!!!!!1

(7)
Edward E. Itzenson,
January 14, 2007 6:01 PM

As a retired principal I loved this story!!!

I will read it to teachers when I serve as a Principal Emeritus when I am called to serve. Thank you!

(6)
nancywolk@sbcglobal.net,
January 14, 2007 5:33 PM

problems with children

You will enjoy this little story. It hits the spot at this time of your life.

(5)
e,
January 14, 2007 3:23 PM

Be encouraging BUT NOT NEGLECTFUL

Yes, the kid needs to feel how much you believe in him. Yes, it is very important to remind the teacher and others who are losing patience, that this kid also has a good side, that lets look for ways to bring out more good, and lessen the disturbances. BUT: some parents get lost in their optimism and neglect to help their kid and the others to get over the rough spots. Some parents get stuck in their rosy imagery and neglect to understand how the kid is not coping well, whether academically or socially; they do not provide support or guidance to get over the rough spots, etc etc etc Dont be complacent! Be positive, supportive but FACILITATE a better future.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 14, 2007 2:21 PM

thanks

Thanks for the article, this lesson is important in all aspects of life, bad dates, hard school, challenges with money.... I think this article just changed my life!

(3)
Paula,
January 14, 2007 8:47 AM

It's critical to know our children's strengths.

Your lovely article reminds me of a time when one of our children was really struggling in school and we were getting lots of "those" phone calls. A friend, well versed in children with school "issues" helped us map out a strategy to help our child. The first instruction was to sit down and write a list of this child's strengths. This exercise changed everything! How we perceived our child and ultimately, when we met with the team of teachers, principals and remidial staff and read our list- their perceptions of this child were transformed as well. School measures strengths in a very limited and circumscribed way- we must recognise that not all children can be successful in terms of those measurements. This is also why it is critical to provide other non-academic opportunities for our children to experience success. Any success will spill over into other areas and balance out a child's self perception.

(2)
Anonymous,
January 14, 2007 7:43 AM

This was an endearing story and one that I can definitely relate to. My son who is an A student throughtout his three years at NYU just received a C plus in one very tough course namely; physics. I saw how upset he was. I have unwavering faith in him (and try to exude that in him)and rather than obsessing over his grade (or have my son obsess over his grade) I dwell on (and remind Scott) of his accomplishments. And he andI know he has the option of appealing his grade. A parent has the influence of either making or breaking his child. Let's keep the positive vibes flowing! Encourage your child daily and remind him of your unwavering love. I am an educator and see first hand the influence that parenting has on a child's motivation. I had one parent, a teacher herself, call me and tell me that she would "break her son's neck" if he didnt hand in his homework. Call it hyperbole, call it what you want, I was still aghast at such harsh words and felt terribly sorry for this student's level of success in the future. We are to root for our children and NEVER PUT THEM DOWN! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR A WONDERFUL ARTICLE!

(1)
rachel,
January 14, 2007 6:47 AM

believe in your child and yourself

I have discovered over the years that you can only believe in your child if you have self confidance and humility.One has to believe that one is a good parent for your children,yet always be open to new parnting insights too. Another tip is to keep in mind that G-d sent you this kid because you have the necessary abilities to educate and guide him. Put another way, G-d believes in you as a parent and this enables us to believe in our children's potential too.

This year during Chanukah I will be on a wilderness survival trip, and it will be very difficult to properly celebrate the holiday. I certainty won't be able to bring along a Menorah.

So if I am going to celebrate only one day of Chanukah, which is the most significant?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

If a person can only celebrate one day of Chanukah, he should celebrate the first day.

This is similar to a case where a person is in prison, and the authorities agree to permit him to go to synagogue one day. The law is that he should go at the first opportunity, and not wait for a more important day like the High Holidays.

The reason is because one should not allow the opportunity of a mitzvah to pass. Moreover, it is quite conceivable that circumstances will later change and allow for additional observance. Therefore, we do not let the first chance pass. (Sources: Code of Jewish Law OC 90, Mishnah Berurah 28.)

As an important aside, Chanukah candles must be lit in (or at the entrance to) a home rather than out of doors. Thus, you should not light in actual "wilderness," but only after you've pitched your tent for the night.

There may be another reason why the first night is the one to focus on. Chanukah is celebrated for eight days to commemorate the one-day supply of oil that miraculously burned for eight days. But if you think about it, since there was enough oil to burn naturally for one night, nothing miraculous happened on that first night! So why shouldn't Chanukah be just seven days?!

There are many wonderful answers given to this question, highlighting the special aspect of the first day. Here are a few:

1) True, the miracle of the oil did not begin until the second day, and lasted for only seven days. But the Sages designated the first day of Chanukah in commemoration of the miraculous military victory.

2) Having returned to the Temple and found it in shambles, the Jews had no logical reason to think they would find any pure oil. The fact that the Maccabees didn't give up hope, and then actually found any pure oil at all, is in itself a miracle.

3) The Sages chose Chanukah, a festival that revolves around oil's ability to burn, as the time to teach the fundamental truth that even so-called "natural" events take place only because God wants them to.

The Talmudic Sage Rabbi Chanina Ben Dosa expressed this truth in explaining a miracle that occurred in his own home. Once, his daughter realized that she had lit the Shabbos candles with vinegar instead of oil. Rabbi Chanina calmed her, saying, "Why are you concerned! The One Who commanded oil to burn, can also command vinegar to burn!" The Talmud goes on to say that those Shabbos lights burned bright for many hours (Taanit 25a).

To drive this truth home, the Sages decreed that Chanukah be observed for eight days: The last seven to commemorate the miracle of the Menorah, and the first to remind us that even the “normal” burning of oil is only in obedience to God's wish.

In closing, I'm not sure what's stopping you from celebrating more than one day? At a minimum, you can light one candle sometime during the evening, and that fulfills the mitzvah of Chanukah - no “official Menorah” necessary. With so much joy to be had, why limit yourself to one night only?!

In 165 BCE, the Maccabees defeated the Greek army and rededicated the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. Finding only one jar of pure oil, they lit the Menorah, which miraculously burned for eight days. Also on this day -- 1,100 years earlier -- Moses and the Jewish people completed construction of the Tabernacle, the portable sanctuary that accompanied them during 40 years of wandering in the desert. The Tabernacle was not dedicated, however, for another three months; tradition says that the day of Kislev 25 was then "compensated" centuries later -- when the miracle of Chanukah occurred and the Temple was rededicated. Today, Jews around the world light a Chanukah menorah, to commemorate the miracle of the oil, and its message that continues to illuminate our lives today.

A person who utilizes suffering to arouse himself in spiritual matters will find consolation. He will recognize that even though the suffering was difficult for him, it nevertheless helped him for eternity.

When you see yourself growing spiritually through your suffering, you will even be able to feel joy because of that suffering.

They established these eight days of Chanukah to give thanks and praise to Your great Name(Siddur).

Jewish history is replete with miracles that transcend the miracle of the Menorah. Why is the latter so prominently celebrated while the others are relegated to relative obscurity?

Perhaps the reason is that most other miracles were Divinely initiated; i.e. God intervened to suspend the laws of nature in order to save His people from calamity.

The miracle of the Menorah was something different. Having defeated the Seleucid Greek invaders, the triumphant Jews entered the Sanctuary. There they found that they could light the Menorah for only one day, due to a lack of undefiled oil. Further, they had no chance of replenishing the supply for eight days. They did light the Menorah anyway, reasoning that it was best to do what was within their ability to do and to postpone worrying about the next day until such worry was appropriate. This decision elicited a Divine response and the Menorah stayed lit for that day and for seven more.

This miracle was thus initiated by the Jews themselves, and the incident was set down as a teaching for all future generations: concentrate your efforts on what you can do, and do it! Leave the rest to God.

While even our best and most sincere efforts do not necessarily bring about miracles, the teaching is nevertheless valid. Even the likelihood of failure in the future should not discourage us from any constructive action that we can take now.

Today I shall...

focus my attention on what it is that I can do now, and do it to the best of my ability.

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