Weeds (TV series)

Weeds (2005–2012) is an American dark comedy television series about an affluent fictional California suburb and its residents, a handful of whom are involved in the distribution and consumption of marijuana.

Judah: Totally weird, but you're awesome. Αnd I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-ten-year-old on earth.

Shane: What if there's life on other planets and there's an unbelieveable, amazing ten year old out there?

Judah: Why would I trade down? To me, you're the best dude, you are the amazing unbelievable Shane Botwin.

Celia: Dean?? You awake? (Buzz go the hair clippers)

Isabelle: (In the morning, at the breakfast table) Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?

Silas: Tell me where she is!

Celia: Why? So you can fly down to mexico and spring her from Casa Reforma?

Silas: I love her.

Celia: You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.

Silas: I am her family.

Celia: Ugh, God, poor thing. Do you really think that my daughter had deep romantic feelings for you? Is that what you think? Now I'm sure that you were a fun and sweaty diversion for her, but the truth is Quinn had a day and a half to get all of her ducks in a row before going to Mexico and she didn't call you. She didn't write or IM or e-mail you either, did she? But I'll tell you what she did do, she downloaded 2,000 songs into her ipod and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips. Because all that Quinn cares about is Quinn. She takes after her father that way…. Poor schmuck.

Heylia: Oh, you poor schmuck, you just played wrong (lays down a domino). That's a boat!

Nancy: Wait, a boat is when the four ends add up to 20?

Heylia: A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass for thinking he all that with his three switchin' bitches.

Nancy: Three switchin' bitches?

Conrad: It's 15. And a boat is 20. Stop fuckin' with her, she's just tryin' to learn the game.

Nancy: All bun?

Conrad: No, uh… hot dog.

Heylia: That's it. Range Rover for stoney clover.

Mr. Norman: (In a parallel line, leans toward Nancy accusingly) I know what you did. I know you stole that goat. Goat thief!

Nurse: Mr. Norman, step back into your line.

Mr. Norman: (towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.

Doug: Oh, it's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam, only better, because you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and stuff.

Doug: See this Lollipop

Nancy: It isn't...?

Doug: Yes, I'm getting high right now and you can't even tell.

Craig X: (at the Bodhi Sativa Caregivers Club) The first thing you wanna do when you come to the club is check out the big board. On the big board we have all the prices and strains and they do change daily. (To another customer) Hey, Billy, how's the arthritis? All right, cool. (Back to Nancy) What was I saying?

Nancy: I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.

Celia: Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.

Nancy: I still say, we got the better end of that deal.

Nancy: (Reading flyer) What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly. Are you sure this isn't what to do if you want to date a mountain lion? Well, I have a lot to do, Celia, so...

Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy: Excuse me?

Celia: I think I'd like to try it.

Nancy: With who?

Celia: Anyone. I don't care. I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna fuck around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock in my mouth is just too depressing.

Nancy: I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.

Celia: You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior. You should really tell the parents, they can rush that little sociopath into therapy before he starts tooling around Agrestic in a white van with blacked out windows.

Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy: None of your business

Celia: Oh come on, tell me

Nancy: Okay, I slept with a woman in college

Celia: How was it?

Nancy: Boring.

Celia: Well, maybe you didn't do it right.

Nancy: She said I was the best she'd ever had.

Celia: What are you doing Friday night?

Doug: I'm in a databank?.... I'm in a databank?.... I'm in a databank?

Celia: High on Ludes. Queen of the Roller Disco. I could fuck against a wall with my skates on, no easy feat.

Andy: Runway?

Doug: You know that little piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina, that's called a runway.

Andy: That's called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.

Doug: What the hell's that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.

Andy: It's a taint.

Doug: Runway.

Andy: This is a taint.

Doug: Runway.

Andy: Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?

Lupita: The coffee table.

Conrad: This for you Snowflake. This my special blend, I call this here Clark Kent. Just sniff this, right here. It's good, huh?! You smoke this shit and you just wanna rip your clothes off in a phone booth and fight crime. I'm serious!

Heylia: Hey! Hey! Stop all that damn arguing, this is a house of peace. (Interrupted by gun shots and bullets) Everybody all right?

Vaneeta: Yeah

Conrad: Cool. Snowflake? Snowflake?

Vaneeta: She's in shock, slap her.

Conrad: I ain't slappin' no white woman.

Heylia: Move, I'll do it.

Nancy: No, I'm okay (in a very shaky voice)

Heylia: You sure?

Nancy: Yeah (sniff).

Heylia: all right, let's clean this shit up.

Nancy: (Giggling a little) Is somebody gonna call the police?

Heylia: Baby, that probably was the police.

Nancy: I'm gonna go. Wait, I need my keys.

Conrad: We got unsettled business, you haven't even talked to me about my car yet. How you gonna get your keys now?

Heylia: Boy! The girl just had her shootin' cherry broke, give her the keys.

Heylia: Shit, white folks get soda pop, niggas get bullets.

Andy: Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don't mind you being out there in front, I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe, Team Botwin.

Nancy: Please leave.

Andy: I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There's no water in this tub!

Nancy: I can't do this right now.

Andy: You have to. Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.

Nancy: Andy, today, it was brought to my attention that the down side of this business is death. So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery, I'm thinking of enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.

Andy: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.

Nancy: (Laughs) Now I pledge never to die.

Andy: Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.

Nancy: This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.

Andy: Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.

Maggie: Look who's here everyone! It's Celia.

Celia: Down, Maggie. I have cancer. I'm not retarded.

Maggie: Celia, you can't smoke in here.

Celia: Because…?

Big Fun PTA Mom: Second hand smoke kills.

Maggie: Celia, did you bring your muffins?

Celia: I didn't feel like baking.

Maggie: None of us ever feels like baking.

Pam: I love baking.

Maggie: Except Pam. But, we do it anyway, for the sake of our children.

Celia: Oh, give me a break. You're raising money for a swim team. How much do swimming trunks cost anyway?

Pam: 18.95.

Celia: I'll tell you what, (hands Pam a 20) keep the change.

Maggie: So, we're really not getting the muffins, are we?

Celia: (Gets up to leave) I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on earth. See ya ladies.

Cop: Sir, you do realize you just rolled through a stop sign?

Andy: Nice bike. Did your horse die?

Cop: Sir –

Andy: You must be in killer shape. Let me see your quads man.

Cop: May I see your driver's license and registration please.

Andy: When you arrest people do you ride ‘em in on your handlebars or do they just sit on the back with their arms around you?

Ms. Greenstein: You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class. You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.

Andy: Oh, that's bullshit.

Ms. Greenstein: I don't understand, that's good news.

Andy: I paid for a full ounce. They fuckin' cheated me.

Nancy: They fuckin' saved your ass from going to jail.

Ms. Greenstein: Still that's very un-cool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.

Nancy: So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?

Ms. Greenstein: That's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.

Nancy: What if the marijuana is in baked goods – say, candy or chocolate?

Ms. Greenstein: (Sing-songy) If you can eat it, you can beat it.

Nancy: What would get their attention?

Andy: If I sued ‘em, can I sue ‘em?

Ms. Greenstein: All right, you asked for it, you get it. The lay of the land. Marijuana currently exists in the legal gray area, it's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew, but it's illegal to buy it.

Nancy: What about growing?

Ms. Greenstein: Ah, botany. As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, 3-5.

Nancy: Years?

Ms. Greenstein: Probation.

Nancy: So you can grow it, but you can't break it down?

Ms. Greenstein: Not unless you wanna go to jail or flee to Mexico. Or Canada. Canada rocks. Primo weed, reeeaaalllly good Chinese food.

Nancy: Do you have a card? Because you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.

Celia: And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So we can feel all self-conscious and pretend everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.

Shane: Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.

Celia: For what?

Shane: For telling me the truth.

Celia: You're welcome. It's a bitch though, ain't it?

Celia: I was thinking of going bigger.

Nancy: Bigger?

Celia: Really big. Like freak show big. 47 triple Fs. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

Nancy: I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.

Andy Botwin: What's with all the...recurring homophobic imagery? I'm starting to worry about this guy.

Celia Hodes: Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal?

Doug Wilson: Basically, Majestic's overflowing a river of crap. It's got no place to go, but through us. Like a physical colonic. We got them by the sphincter. Shit highway could be our road to riches.

Sullivan Groff: [Of a french restaurant chain]Same menu, same framed posters, same smell. It has a certain ... comforting predictability to it.

[Silas meets the returning character of PTO Pam in his community service]

Silas Botwin: Mrs. Gruber?

Pam Gruber: Silas!

Pam Gruber: Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien, you can randomly blackout and run your car onto a boulder?

Pam Gruber: [points to a fellow community service worker] Who's that cute Latino guy?

Nancy: [scrubbing blood out of her car] I'm pretty sure something even more heinous is gonna happen to me, because that just seems to be the way it rolls! I really think I'm finding myself. [pulls off a rubber glove] Look at my hand. Nerves of steel!

Andy: Pretty steady.

Nancy: That's what I'm talking about.

Andy: Well, this is all good. Meanwhile, a reconnaissance drone killed my battle buddy, and I'm going to die. I know too much. I was hoping for a shower, maybe a little nap. Um... [watches Nancy viciously wash the car] But you obviously are having a slow psychotic breakdown, so I'll just ask, do you have any money?

Nancy: No, I don't. [laughs] I have a backseat full of blood. I have two license plates I may have to remove. I have an assistant's job that a monkey could do. I have a death wish. You're welcome to any of those sparkly gems.

Doug Wilson: [playing a banjo and singing around a christian group that reaches ecstasy in their prayers against the fire] The Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are all singing. They're annoying, self-righteous and lame. [imitates their ecstasy] Everybody, come on, all together.

[Captain Roy Till investigates Sullivan Groff about the discovered grow house that is under his name]

Sullivan Groff: Because she was my lover. And it was good. And she was getting a divorce, and she wanted a house. But I couldn't put it in her name because the divorce hadn't gone through yet. The power of passion makes you do crazy things. Captain Till, is it?

Captain Roy Till: Okay, so you buy her a house, and I assume you're fucking her in said house, she of the magical house-earning pussy - did you not notice the many marijuana plants that were growing in her living room?

Sullivan Groff: Well, we broke up a few weeks ago, so she must have started growing it right after that. You know, it's funny. I would have never pegged her as the drug-dealing type. She's a very complicated woman.

Captain Roy Till: Jesus, Groff, if I let you stick your finger up my ass, can I get a porsche?

Guillermo: [talking about the fire he stared] And it goes like that, just over and over, all the way south to Mexico. [nods his head forward]

Nancy Botwin: [whispering to his ear] You're facing west.

Guillermo: See, I could use you. You tell me which way is south. [rubbing against her] You be my navigator.

Nancy Botwin: Hand off the ass.

[at the evacuation center]

Doug Wilson: [walking around people playing a guitar and singing] Well, this is just like the Superdome except no rape or piles of human waste. It's still not quite like home even though we got wi-fi, some cookies and toothpaste. Yeah, it's just like the Superdome 'cept everyone's white and middle-class. We got some yoga people chanting, oh, there's lots of Gatorade and toilet paper to wipe our ass. This is just like the Superdo-doh-ome.

News anchor: Apparently, a religious group chanting "Jesus will protect us" forced their way into the burning house in an attempt to rescue the Majestic cross. Now those members are being treated at a nearby hospital for minor burns and smoke inhalation. [turns to face a gurney bound Tara] Can you tell us why you ran into a burning house?

Tara Lindman: The Lord told us to go.

Silas Botwin: [watching the news] Okay, I'm over her.

[after her rented grow house is discovered, Celia is called in for questioning, but the detectives just stare at her quietly]

Lenny: [complaining to his grandchildren about how Andy was as a child] I asked that prick over there to pedal his little bicycle, which I bought him, up to Del Mar and throw down $100 on a sure thing.

Andy: Father of the year.

Lenny: What the fuck does he do? He pockets it. Goes out and buys himself some Star Trek piece of shit.

Silas: Yeah, sure, death is no big deal and life is just blah blah blah.

Andy: Look Silas, life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah, and sometimes you find it; but mostly it's blah, and waiting for blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah…

Doug: My family left me, buddy. My life's a toilet. These corn flakes, they're old. My asshole is on fire. I hate myself. You happy now?

Nancy: [looks around the table at everyone, who are all injured in some way] So... [laughs] We've had a trying couple of weeks. We lost our homes. A Bubbie. But we have this food. This lovely roof over our heads, recent bee infestation excluded, which my father-in-law has offered up at a ridiculously inflated price. I've had a particularly challenging last 24 hours. But... Ah... But in the drive-through at Popeyes I found myself saying, "Family combo, please." And it was a moment of clarity. What I mean to say is, I was thinking of you today. All of you. Andy, I think in the past I've dismissed you as being the kind of guy you couldn't really count on and I was wrong. You've been a rock to this family. We need you. Andy's friends, I'd like to welcome you to our country. I hope you get to stay. Keep a low profile. Blend. Shane, I've been unavailable to you and that's rotten. I will be more present. Silas, you've taken on more responsibility in a time of upheaval and it's been admirable. We still need to talk about the GED. Doug, I'm sorry. You and Dana are having problems. But you need to find a place of your own to live. And you need to seek medical attention. And finally, maybe, um... possibly... Wow. I owe an apology to the woman to my right. I left her holding a very big bag. It was not my finest hour. I'm sorry Celia. All of us are sorry.

Doug: [to Maria (Mermex)] You're gonna love this country. The land of freedom and opportunity. And...[turns it on] air conditioning. Ah, do you like that? That's the cool breeze of freedom right there.

Andy: [trying to plea the Minute-Man Leader to lower his gun] Do you see this girl here? This is the love of his life.

[Doug nods in agreement]

Andy: She's the woman that he's gonna marry.

Doug: Whoa, whoa, rushing things a bit, Andy, be cool.

Minute-Man Leader: [about the smuggled Mexicans] Wait, give me one...so my day is not a total loss.

Andy: "Give you one"?! These are people!

Doug: Just, just give him the guy that hugged me, he's annoying. Hombre, up and go. Let's go. Here, come on. Let's go. Out. [the Mexican runs away as soon as Doug pulls him out of the car]

Minute-Man Leader: [to Doug] Get the fuck out of here! [laughs in joy as he heads off with his gun to chase the Mexican]

Celia: I thought I had hit bottom. But after hearing your stories, I realize it could be so much worse. The truth is, none of you have *any* chance in *hell* of ever pulling your lives back together, if you even had lives to begin with. As I have listened to your tales of burning wreckage and shattered existence, I realize that I...am the only one here that has any chance at all - a chance to make amends...and to start over...fresh.

Doug: As soon as we figure out our next venture, I want to get a bigger place. I'm thinking generic mexican pharmaceuticals. Sell them to old people with no insurance. What do you think?

Andy: [after confessing to Doug of having sex with Maria] It will never happen again.

Maria (Mermex): [to Andy] It will. It will happen many times.

Celia: [to her daughter] And I'm sorry for the massive body issues I have given you. And I'm sorry for judging your lifestyle choice. If you want to love the ladies, love those ladies. Vagina power! I'll buy you a big strap-on for Hanukkah.

Andy: [getting a phone call from Celia's kidnapper] Hello?... Yeah, I know Celia... We're all gonna die. What does that mean anyway? Life is cheap, people die and people have babies... Everyday they're having babies! What's with that? Kidnapper man, I mean, women in their forty's are having babies, doesn't that seem weird to you?... What? No, I'm not gonna pay the ransom... Allo?... Rude.

Nancy: [a phone call wakes her up] Hello?

Rudolpho: I have your friend.

Nancy: What? Who is this? What friend?

Rudolpho: Your friend Celia. I have her and you pay me money or she dies.

Nancy: Celia?

Rudolpho: Celia Hodes! I have kidnapped her and today I chop off her ear.

Nancy: You are not having anymore beer, that was a special occasion... You got shot.

(Playing Lawn Darts with 'The Newlyweds')

Silas: Weren't Lawn Darts banned?

Esteban: When you boys are finished crying it's your turn.

Silas: (To Shane) He's taunting us.

Shane: He's trying to act like a father. (Silas starts picking up the Darts) Father's taunt...when we went jogging Dad told me I was so slow Stephen Hawking could beat me in a foot-race. Then he collapsed, puked twice and died. (Shane laughs and looks up) Who's the better jogger now? (Silas gives him a concerned look)

Andy: (out of breath) I was parking when you were pulling away and I was all 'Hey, Nancy!' but you couldn't hear me so I started running which is harder then it looks.

Driver: Should I keep driving?

Nancy: Yes

Andy: Yeah, sure. On a bit of a buzz here, adrenaline rush or anticipation. I'm a man on a mission Nance, a man with a plan. What could that plan be? she asks herself intrigued yes, perhaps even captivated by the-