Friday the 13th (2009 Killer Cut)

-I try to live my life without regrets, but I’m really starting to regret this whole “recent horror remakes” nonsense. Texas Chainsaw Massacre wasn’t bad, so it seemed to almost make me optimistic about this little adventure, that maybe the worst was over with. While the worst is so far still done with, that doesn’t in any way mean that I have high hopes for the rest of this journey.

-Jumping right in, this movie has the strangest opening kill scene I’ve ever witnessed in a movie. Basically it starts off with a flashback thing in 1980 of Jason (the dude on the box art just in case you really didn’t know) watching his mom killed in self defense by a counselor from Camp Crystal Lake. His mother blames the counselors for her son drowning in the lake, and tried to kill them all I guess, and it’s never explained why exactly Jason is still alive. Cut to five violently annoying shitheads going for a camping trip near the camp. After about 20 minutes of secret weed caches, tent sex, bad dialogue, and worse acting, they’re all dead. The uninitiated might view it as a spoiler that I gave away their fate already, but it was pretty damn obvious from the get-go, and the title card doesn’t even appear until after everyone’s dead.

-Six weeks later four violently annoying shitheads and our main character are going camping in the same area, and one of the opening kill’s has a brother looking for her. Also it’s worth mentioning that the most violently annoying of the shitheads is such an asshole that he literally starts to hate opening kill’s brother just for being in front of them in line at the gas station. After some more bad dialogue, worse acting, and dull padding, killing starts to happen and stuff.

-If you can’t tell yet by the dry delivery of all that, this movie bored the hell out of me. Most of the movie almost nothing is happening, and when something does happen, it’s some stupid scene of the shitheads playing beer pong, or getting high, or breaking something, or whatever else shithead’s do at someone else’s expensive house. I’m happy that Jason at least stayed silent the whole time, but that’s really just something to expect that is merely delivered to us without being particularly good.

-This movie really doesn’t give me much to work with in terms of interesting things to say about it or memorable bits worth mentioning. At least A Nightmare on Elm Street had Jackie Earle Haley to liven things up, and at least Texas Chainsaw Massacre had R. Lee Ermey, but this movie has nothing. There is absolutely no reason for me to have remembered a movie that I just saw enough to even write a review of it. I just finished it less than an hour ago, and already bits and pieces of it are starting to slip from my memory. Overall, this movie was a massive waste of time. Nothing memorable, nothing outstanding, nothing worthwhile. Bad writing, bad acting, boring plot, waste of time. 4/10