Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Monday, August 29, 2011

I feel I've been ripped out of my life...
And put somewhere else.
We're facing a long, hard journey
Maybe even harder than I can imagine...
I guess I'm losing hope.
But like I said,
It's all about slim chances now.
And a slim chance is better than none.
One thing I know with certainty:
We're moving on.
We can't give up.

No matter how firm my belief in making choices are, there are still moments wherein I seriously doubt my capability of choosing the right thing to do. I always feel that the decisions I make aren't the choice that will make people the happiest. With all the things going on right now, I start to question which is the better choice: the one that will make people happy, or the one that will make people better.

Only time can tell, and only if time gave a proper response during times like these.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

A little while ago, I accompanied Iyhan to his aunt's house in Sta. Mesa. We brought most of his belongings there, since he will be staying there for a week before he moves to his new place somewhere along Shaw.

I finally got to meet his relatives and see his house before he moved into ours. It was sad to realize that despite him persistently trying to come with him to Sta. Mesa back when we were still together, I just said no and no. He told me that was the problem with me: it didn't seem that I wanted to know him because I didn't want to meet his family and relatives. After giving out a sharp excuse, I admitted to him that yes, that was one of my faults. It was like he belonged in my family, but I didn't belong in his. Back then, I felt really insecure about myself. In the back of my head, I didn't want to meet his family because I didn't want to think what was his family's impression of me. That was what I always thought, but now, it's about time to change things. Thanks to him, now I feel more confident and reassured about myself unlike before.

Going home, I asked him if he'll still come over at our house from time to time. He remained silent for a few moments, and replied that he's not sure if he'll be able to. Muttering a muffled response, I turned my attention to the movie that was going on. I felt my heart break in thinking that this day might be the last day that I'll ever see him. I can't blame him in thinking that way, and all I told myself was that this was all for the best. I'm sure it will be a pain unlike anything I've ever felt before, but I need to carry forward and endure it, for the sake of all the things we've been through together, and maybe for my own sake as well. I just care for him so much, even if he doesn't realize that anymore.

It's true that once you learn to truly love someone, that person will forever be a part of you no matter what may happen. Farewells may come one day, but there will always be things that will never, ever change.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

For the sake of my future self, I write this entry to serve as a reminder that not all happy things stay that way. No matter how perfect things may seem, everything and anything comes to a close. It is up to each and one of us to cast our own cards in the gamble of life. All of us, at one point in our lives, need to make a choice, and it is by choices that we rise above being just victims of destiny and circumstance.

It isn't uncommon for a person like me to meet someone through online means. It was in the internet I met my boyfriend, Iyhan. He was my very first partner, and I felt very happy and lucky to be with a person like him. Knowing him more, he has overcome a lot of trials and obstacles in his life. His strong eyebrows reflected his strong spirit and personality: I felt very secure in the strength he carried around him whenever we were together. As each day passed, I fell in love in him again and again. The more I knew about him, the more I wanted to be with him. I felt so reassured that he will never let anything sad happen to the both of us because he has stood time and time again after each and every fall he took.

I felt safe and secure whenever we're together. That was what mattered that time.

A few months passed, I started to change not for the better, but perhaps for the worse for both of us. I became increasingly irritable and moody. Being a person who valued personal time and space, I felt that I no longer have time for myself. It was as if everywhere I looked, he was there. I was so desperate that I asked him to give me some space and time alone, and that he did. Three months into our relationship, we broke up, only for me to go back to him two weeks later saying that I couldn't do it without him. I have grown so reliant on him -- his strength has become my strength.

After our anniversary, I decided to let him stay here in our home, with my family. He was practically alone in Manila, since his family resided in Quezon. The only relatives he had here was the family of his aunt. Working until the wee hours in the morning back then, I was worried about his health since he was unable to sleep soundly during the day because there were rowdy, playful children in his aunt's house. Our house always a welcome home for our friends, my mother and my family welcomed him without any questions. I was at peace that time because I knew that from that day on, he will no longer worry about not getting good, quality sleep. He will no longer worry about things like doing the laundry and looking for what to eat, since my mom has welcomed him as her son. Of course, I was very glad that I will always be with him and that he would always be at my side.

But things didn't turn out quite so well.

Things were well for the first couple of months, but our relationship was strained to a melancholic tidal wave of ups and downs for the months to follow, the reason being my selfish desire to maintain a sense of the self. I was struggling to find who I was amidst the layer upon layer of being us. It was as if I felt so empty deep inside, and I wanted to know why. I was so enthralled by my lust for my own identity that I caused so much pain and agony for the both of us. There were times that my swings were so outright distressing that I would not talk or take notice of him for days. At first, he always asked me what was wrong, but all I ever gave him was a shrugged shoulder. Little by little, he slowly eroded away as he took hit after hit. Soon after, our relationship withered away to just a frantic reciprocation of negative emotions. Everything had spiraled out of control, until I mustered the strength to call our relationship as lovers to an end. Back then, I thought that was the best thing to do. Tears both rolled down cheeks as I told him that we cannot continue living and feeling like that. I hated myself for causing him so much pain. A man like him did not do anything to deserve the amount of grief I caused him.

There were of course a lot of times that I wanted to make amends with him and start once again, but I wasn't able to overcome my fear of causing him so much pain. I was always moved to tears whenever I thought of it. I was frightened that if ever we came back, everything would yet again just descend to a pile of deep-seated sorrow and regret, and end up us more miserable than before.

We still stayed under one roof, sleeping in one bed even after our breakup. The first few weeks were saturated by an awkward air, but after some time, both of us agreed to try our best to love one another as brothers, and no longer as lovers. Many months pass with us being well and good. But, in reality, the wounds have never healed: they were only covered up by bandages made up of self-denying lies and escapes from the painful, sad truth. Now, him moving out seems to be the only solution for us to find ourselves once again, hopefully to be better people for our own future partners. I have to admit that I am sad that it has come to this, that even until now, I am still causing him so much sorrow and pain. However, I keep reminding myself that for him to be the indomitable person he was before, it has to be done.

In retrospect, I cannot blame Iyhan becoming this way. I can't blame him because I know he has done whatever he could, and it was probably because of my choices that things didn't work out. Both of us changed into persons even each of us wasn't familiar with because our lives changed, and we failed to adapt to that change. Maybe he changed because he no longer had to be as strong as before, since he has a family that takes care of him now. I cannot talk for him, but for me, the problem was that I insisted to hold on to my own personal space even if I knew that sacrifices had to made since I was no longer alone. My emotions raged on probably because of me subconsciously denying to let go to what I deemed so valuable during the times that I was alone and miserable. Even if I can already accept my own faults and shortcomings, after eight months, I admit that I still haven't moved on, at least completely. I chose not to because I can see that he still can't fully accept the things that happened, and I will only be able to fully move on if I can see that he can already move on with life as well.

In the end, I have learned a lot from my experience with Iyhan. I would be lying if I said I didn't have any regrets with what has happened, but I know deep within me that I never blamed it on him. I never blamed myself as well, because everything happened because we chose to do so. Our relationship started because of choices, and it has ended because of choices as well.

Destiny gives us only chances, but in the end, we make our own choices. Our choices may bring us pain, but in that pain lies sweet sorrow. It is a subtle reminder that we are alive, yearning for solace in the ironies of life.

Monday, August 15, 2011

I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm just a hopeless and deranged man with a skewed sense of reality and trust. As it turns out, the series of unfortunate incidents are all just pure coincidence. It's either that or I am believing a manipulated truth.

Suspicions are normal, but when you suspect a person you trust, you really need to ask yourself why.

Lessons learned:
Never let your emotions dictate your actions, but things are easier said than done.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I am not a rebel opposing authority. But when control for a good cause maliciously turns into a self-containing manipulation, things become different.

A few days ago, I have lost access to my PlanetRomeo account. It was the second time it happened. The first time around, I tried to contact the administrators through email, but there was no development. I managed to retrieve my account with the help of a friend of mine, who happened to have administrative rights and database access to the site.

This time however, not only did I lose access to my PR account, but to the email address affiliated with it. For the past few days, I had to change my password every time I tried to log in into chat, until the account was locked completely. Things did not move for the better, because yesterday, I have also lost access to the alternate email address for that. What was worse was that the second email address that I lost access to was also the email account I used for the past six or seven years. I used that account to keep in touch with my friends in high school, college, and people at work. I have tried to request a change for password, but all is lost since the alternate addresses of both email addresses have been changed.

I am forcing myself that everything happening is just pure coincidence, but I cannot help but think that it is just way too farfetched for it to be just a random hack. Rationalizing things, I hate to think that someone I might know is toying with me. I feel as if the person doing this is locking me away from meeting or even just talking to friends. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone; it's just that what has happened is just a step way too far.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Since last week, our onsite counterparts have requested the team to go on second shift. Work had to be done in so little time, so they wanted us to be there when they were on duty.

I have to admit that I kind of like the two to ten schedule. For one thing, it's easier for me to wake up at eleven rather than six or seven. Another thing is that I like the silence that is present after people have gone home. The open space of the floor is freed from the noisy clicks of mice, chatter of fingers and keys, and the periodical rings of the telephone.

At night, the floor is released from the feeling of being a workplace. To me, it has become a second home.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

I was almost moved to tears when I learned of what happened to a blockmate of mine in college. I've only heard of her ordeal just now in a social networking site, and I feel pretty bad that I was too busy or too indifferent to know about the things that were happening to the people I grew fond of.

Following my friend's page lined with a long string of condolences and support, it came to my knowledge that the boyfriend of my blockmate passed away a little over a week ago. Reasons not being present, what information I managed to gather was that he was rushed and was confined a few days in intensive care, before letting go. It was then I realized that a few days back, a contact of mine in chat had a status message saying that a friend of hers recently passed away, and that she was in a state of shock and utter disbelief. It was him.

Admittedly, I am not the closest friend to my blockmate, however, I still felt very sad. It was the feeling of wanting to do something for her, but no amount of love and concern will ever measure up with her longing to be with him even for one last time.

In her post, she wrote:

"You told me before that you gave your heart to me, and asked me to take care of it. I told you I've given you mine as well, for you to take care of it. But you said that it's better if both of them are with me, [because] both of them will be safer with me. Since that night till now, my chest feels really heavy. It's like I have two hearts with me now, yours and mine.

I'll carry them both bi. For you. For us. I can handle it. I just wished you would still be here so that we can carry them both together.

I love you."

Honey, we love you too. It is okay to cry and be sad, but keep in mind that wherever he is now, he will always want you to smile and look forward for a brighter tomorrow, even if he's gone. God has plans for all of us, and sadly, it was His plan to take him away from you. We may not understand the reasons of the things happening to each and every one of us, but that is where our faith in Him lie. I'm sure the time will come when you will be able to move on, but until that day comes, we want you to know that we will always be here for you, no matter what may happen.

Stay strong, and have faith. We love you, and we'll always be here for you.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

After feeling irate over the past few days, I'm slowly rising up from the pits of despair. I managed to feel that I have achieved something. It is something nice; the sweet taste of success. Yes, I might be hopeless in some things, but I am most certainly able in other things. With a creative mind and a determination that is disciplined and true, I can prove to myself that I was wrong in thinking that I was just another somebody.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I've become increasingly irritable for the past few days. Nothing seems to make me feel content, or reassure me that I am not a worthless piece of trash. The continuous downpour of rain is making me feel worse and worse. I feel powerless even to control my own spur of emotions, but I do know that amidst all the negative things happening, there is a point wherein I need to stop, think about what is unfolding in front of me, and move on with life.

Things happen for a reason, and that particularly to open my eyes to see the light. Maybe I'm just playing blind all along, since I feel like a victim of circumstance. I know these things have happened in the past, but here I am, still feeling and thinking in the same way as before.

Monday, August 1, 2011

A while back, I stopped for a few minutes, thinking how meaningless I was. Occupied with the thoughts that consumed me, I asked if the career I chose was what I really wanted, or was I just overcome by sheer laziness and frivolous courage.

I was assigned to resolve an issue with our system. It turns out that my team lead was able to pinpoint what was causing the problem, and he was able to do so in a matter of minutes. The hours I placed in trying to figure out what was happening was thrown out the window, to be blunt.

I felt so useless and a big burden. But I guess that was part of the process of learning. The lessons of life isn't served in a silver spoon; it is up to us to broaden our understanding and not to let the narrowing vision of pointless and distraught feelings blind us from seeing what is worth seeing.