A blog about inner explorations

Author: Jess Palmer

I know I haven’t posted here for a long time and honestly, I was just going to retire this blog but then I remembered, this is my journal. My diary. Since 2013 I have laid out my fears, expectations, regrets, plans, and more. I have written about the several downs and ups in my life and to me, there is no reason for me to never write here again.

I am human. I still struggle with mental illness amongst other things and I need to release some things, today.

For the past two weeks I have been visiting South Carolina with my best friend and staying at her Mom’s house. This experience has been great in the sense that I’ve gotten out of my house in Massachusetts, I’ve been really digging deep into my spiritual practice, and I get to spend time with my favorite person. However, I do not have a job, money is really tight, and I’ve been applying to countless of jobs just trying to get my life back on track.

I feel very hopeless. I’m supposed to be going to Ireland in August with my best friend and at this rate all of my savings will be gone to bills and I’ll have nothing and that scares me. Why did I put myself in this position? Who am I to up and leave a job just to explore and see the world?

I am grateful though. Very grateful for the opportunities that life has given me. I know that this trip was necessary for my soul’s growth. For my overall personal expansion but, it is hard to look past fears and doubts to see the abundance and beauty in your life – among the internal struggles.

Thoughts are things, I know this. I know that if I continue to dwell on the fact that I haven’t landed a job yet, that will continue to be my reality so, I’ve been trying to affirm that I will have a great job, I will be abundant, and my life will be positive and moving in the right direction.

But.

I still can’t erase these fears when they creep into my mind. I like to think that I try to overcome these darker fears and see that life is life, I am alive, happy, and the world around me is fruitful so, how do I stay there? How do I not allow myself to fall into the blackhole of anxiety and fear of the future that has yet to come?

I’ve been in my head a lot these past few weeks, months, etc. It seems that when things start to settle either I or the Universe likes to shake things up again. I wonder if I’ll ever live a stabile life again but also, where is the excitement in that?

I’m like a ping pong ball, constantly going between feeling positive or negative – hopeful and hopeless. When will it end? Will it ever? I’m not sure.

All I know that I am in this present moment. What can I do right now that can ease my troubled mind? I can meditate, draw, or write like I am now. Releasing these doubts will help me make room for more positive thoughts to settle in.

Here are my fears:

Not finding a job before my trip and therefore having to dip into my savings to pay for bills and then I won’t have any money for my trip and will have to eat food out of a garbage can or worse, cancel my trip

My relationships with people are starting to change and I’m not sure where they will go from here

Spiritually I am evolving and I am unsure of what the path before me holds

Okay so yes, my fears are entirely about the future which I can’t control, which I know. Of course I know this. My whole life my fears and anxieties have lived in the future and there is nothing that I can do to manipulate it to what I want. I know that this is because i have a lack of trust in myself and the Universe. How do I rewire my brain? How do I release an anxious pattern that I’ve had since I was ten years old?

I am so very confident that I am evolving into the person that I want to be. I feel it more each day and I am thankful for the experiences in my life and I need to stop saying all of that and then saying, “but”. But nothing.

I am abundant
I am abundant
I am abundant
I am abundant
I am abundant

I release my fears to the Universe
I release my fears to the Universe
I release my fears to the Universe
I release my fears to the Universe

Saying positive affirmations several times per day is what helps ground me back to the fact that I am abundant and I can release those fears to the Universe. I do not need to carry these mental burdens on my own.

In the end as Humans, we are just a spiritual experiment played out my God and the Intergalactic Council and I know this to be true but, as a human being – t is hard to see past the surface of what is and what could be.

I am however, confident in the higher powers that is my soulSelf and God. The Universe does have my back and I know that things will work out exactly as they are supposed to.

When reflecting on this past year, I originally thought of all of the negative things that transpired and the roller coaster of emotions that just seemed to constantly shift like the waves of the ocean. 2016 was not the hardest year for me but, it was still a difficult year, one filled with a lot internal struggles and I just couldn’t seem to get out of my own way.

I’ve realized recently that the past few years have fallen into this pattern of: crappy year, great year, crappy year, great year, and so on. For example:

2013 was a very tough year, one where I truly was in my depression and unknown anxiety that carried over into the first half of 2014.

The second half of 2014 was filled with self-discovery and exploration, travel, and new experiences. I went to Italy, picked up photography, and met Chris, my current boyfriend. Although 2014 started out quite rocky, I would say that it ended on a strong note.

2015 was incredible. I did some true healing, found a love for my body that I never thought I would find and rose above my eating disorder indefinitely. I would say that 2015 was the year of outer self-love for me. I also traveled a lot that year as well, I went to the cape for the first time, explored nearby towns and tried different things that brought a lot of happiness and fulfillment.

2016 however, was a different struggle, one that I didn’t come to terms with or even realize until December. Although I had truly worked on how I viewed and loved what was on the outside, I neglected what was happening on the inside. My spiritual mentor Madison Rosenberger, explained to me that our aura’s have levels, and how I started my healing journey was actually backwards. Your body is the last layer so, although I had greatly healed that part of me, I had also neglected the other outer layers such as my internal workings/emotions and overall spiritual awareness. Although I have always been a spiritual being, it wasn’t until the last few months of 2016 that I really started to dig. I found a love for essential oils, meditation, crystals, and yoga (again). Throughout 2016 I struggled with my anxiety that had manifested into something that I never expected. Driving gave (gives) me anxiety, interactions with people at work, leaving the house, being around people in general, and it just did not make sense. Out of nowhere I became an introvert with an outgoing personality because, although social interactions can make me anxious, that doesn’t stop me from talking with people and trying to be their best friend.

That is the problem. When I interact with people I try too hard. I want everyone to like me because I’m afraid of their judgment and rejection. When I say, “rejection” and “judgment” I’m not talking about the fear of what they think of my body but, what is on the inside. I’m afraid of what people think of who I am as a person and how I portray myself. This comes from a lack of love for myself.

This didn’t occur to me because I thought I had already dealt with that problem and I did, to some extent but, not fully. Not on an emotional or spiritual level and it took me all of 2016 to figure that out.

So, with 2017 here I’ve made plans and have taken the necessary steps to make this year my bitch. I started my spiritual mentorship with Madison, I see a therapist every week who is open minded and kind, and I’m slowly learning to be more present and not letting my anxious thoughts take me away on a boat of uncertainty and fear. This year I plan to incorporate more yoga, I’d even like to have a daily or at least every other day home practice, truly meditate with my beloved crystals, and most of all, feel my damn feelings. It is still so frustrating to me because like I said, I thought I had done all of this and on some level I did but, I cannot forget the progress I’ve made and the obstacles I have overcome. This is just another journey that will dig even deeper than just what is on the outside. 2016 might not have been my best year but, there were a lot of wonderful parts to that year as well. I learned a lot and experienced enough to know that 2017 is going to be my best year yet. This is the year where my spiritual awakening is going to take off running and I will not allow fear or anxiety to stand in my way.

Goodbye 2016, thank you for the memories and the lessons. I can’t say I will miss you but, I sure as hell will never forget you.

Setbacks happen, especially when you are on a journey of self healing and discovery. This past month or so I have been deleting and re-downloading calorie counting apps. Each time my mind goes to “summer body” and “losing the pudge” I feel that I need to restrict in order to be happy with my body but, then after tracking maybe a few things I sort of snap out of it and remind myself that this isn’t the life that makes me happy.

Yesterday I made a mistake. I got on the scale and didn’t like what I saw at all. It surprised me because lately I have upped my fruits, veggies, and exercise and have been feeling great! I don’t know why I got on the scale this morning, something just pulled me toward it. When I saw 153lbs on the scale I just went numb. I felt disgusting, discouraged, and lost. What do I do now? I thought to myself, I don’t want to weigh this “much” and I sure as hell don’t want to weigh this much when I’m in a bathing suit. I hate summer.

That is a lie, I love summer and the weather it brings. I love being able to wear close to nothing and just relax outside under the sun and feel the cool breeze on my skin. Why did I let this stupid number bother me so much? Probably because it’s that time of year where weight loss is advertised everywhere as well as washboard abs. So, the majority of yesterday I was fighting the negative thoughts in my head, trying to overcome them with light and positivity but, the day just seemed to get worse.

When I was in the locker room later on that day at work I noticed two small purple stretch marks on my stomach and I just sighed and shook my head. Weight gain has been a fear that has plagued my mind for over a decade and seeing those stretch marks made my heart sink. How am I supposed to love and accept my body when I feel this way? How come some days I think I am the sexiest human being alive and on other days I just want to throw up because of my own reflection. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Body positivity and self love & acceptance is a constant battle because you have to think, you are fighting that negative voice in your head on a daily basis and sometimes, that voice wins and yesterday was one of those days.

It’s tough when the people who love you tell you are beautiful and because sometimes you just don’t see what they see. You see someone who is inadequate, fat, ugly, and unworthy of love staring back at you in the mirror. You don’t see the bright, lovely, beautiful, and strong person in that mirror but, we are all of those great things and so much more, that is what I am trying to remember and what I am telling myself because if I don’t, that little nagging voice will win indefinitely. So, I finished yesterday trying to see the beauty in myself and got my mind ready for the next day to come because all we can do is move forward and let go of the negativity.

I hope you are all well. I’ve been wanting to give you all an update about what has been going on in my life for awhile now so, I am going to do just that.

Almost two months ago I threw out my birth control pills and forever said peace out. I’ve noticed that being on birth control I was constantly on edge, my anxiety is maxed out, and I cried at everything – even commercials that held no emotional topic. I started researching the Fertility Awareness Method which tracks your basal body temperature, cervical fluid, and the position of your cervix, amongst other things to help you either avoid pregnancy or get pregnant. Many people confuse this with the rhythm method which is tracking your cycle for 28 days and counting out about 14 to predict ovulation. The rhythm method is a very inaccurate way to track your cycle seeing as not every woman has a 28 day cycle and sometimes whether it is travel, being sick, or even stress – those factors can really mess with your cycle in regards to the length and when you ovulate.

While tracking my BBT (basal body temperature) I decided to purchase a Daysy Fertility Monitor that tracks my temperature and shows me a light: green – indicates a not fertile day, red – indicates a fertile day, and yellow – indicates that the Daysy is still getting to know my cycle so, I should use precautions on that particular day to avoid pregnancy. It definitely is a little pricey but, worth it. I love my Daysy and I have been using it for almost two months successfully. The first month I got all yellow lights because it was my first month but, now I get all three colors which is super interesting to see.

The past two months I’ve also transitioned to call cruelty free and natural products along with trying not to buy any unnecessary items. I couldn’t believe how many products I had that were tested on animals, it sickened me. It is refreshing though, that drugstores do sell cruelty free products you just need to look for them. NYX, Milani, and Not Your Mothers are some of the cruelty free brands that I have been using on a daily basis as well as Honest Beauty which (as far as I know) can only be bought online. I have also been buying cruelty free cleaning products or learning to make my own with natural materials.

Transitioning to this more natural life has been such a beautiful and enlightening journey. I’ve had the best support as well which has made this whole life change so much more reassuring and positive.

It’s been some time since I have posted. I used to be so much better about this. I don’t know, between working forty hours, going to night school, and still trying to have a social life, I guess my life has been kind of busy and things that I used to do very often have now become a rarity in my life. It saddens me but, I’m finding my way back. I used to be obsessed about just chilling, watching Netflix, and zoning out and by doing this I have stopped writing and reading, two things that have brought me much joy. I am however, working on incorporating those things back into my life.

Minimalism. I’ve been learning about it a lot lately. Watching YouTube videos about capsule wardrobes, downsizing, and purging, all filmed with a white wall in the background. Many of these people appear more calm, zen if you will. They express their ideas about how decluttering your surrounding can help declutter your mind. So with that being said, I’ve been decluttering mentally and physically. I’ve donated things upon things and have reused many items as well. It feels really freeing, especially dealing with a shopping problem. It means, progress to me and I like progress.

I’m sitting here on my floor at 9:43pm listening to jazz music and just enjoying life. It is moments like tonight that I appreciate and value all aspects of my life and I am grateful. The Universe has given me so much and some days I am just filled with all of this happiness and it just makes me appreciate life so much more.

I love March for many reasons, one being that this month Chris and I have been together for a whole year and it has been one of the greatest of my life! Also, March means the end of winter. Although I live in New England and we have gotten snow in March and April, I am really hoping that history doesn’t repeat itself because I am ready for spring, warmer weather, a nice breeze, and sunshine.

Going through some of my more recent posts I re-read my New Year’s resolutions and I wanted to give an update on that:

Have I been sweating more? Yes and no. I haven’t been as consistent as I would like but, I am finding new exercises that I really enjoy or rather, rediscovering exercises that I really like such as: taking outside walks, cycling, and the stair climber. Finding exercises you like to do is crucial for a healthy relationship with your mind, body and soul. I did however, cancel my gym membership because I have access to a free gym at work but, it does kind of stink that I don’t have a place to workout on the weekends or when I’m on vacation but, that’ll motivate me to get my ass outside more!

I also noted that I wanted to do more yoga well, during that time I was actually practicing almost everyday but, lately not so much. I’ve gone to some classes near my house but, I’ve really neglected my home practice. I was making a lot of progress with my flexibility and I was really excited about the results I was seeing however, I just am a lazy person a lot of the time I won’t lie! When I get home from work I just want to lay in my bed, read, make tea, and watch Netflix. It aggravates me that I am like this because yoga has been the biggest aid in my recovery and when I regularly practice I feel great! I just need to get my ass in gear and do it.

In regards to my resolution to read more: I am reading soooooooooooo much it is crazy and I love it. Reading more was a big resolution for me because I am TV kind of gal. Although I love to read, nothing beats watching some of my favorite shows after a long day but, I really have been on a roll with reading. I even have a Scribd subscription and get some library books on my Kindle Fire. I think in the past three months I have read about five books and I made a Goodreads account that you can find here and you can add me as a friend and we can talk books.

I’m proud that I’ve actually stuck with a lot of my resolutions because typically I forget them all and never look back. 2016 has been really good to me so far and I am very very thankful. Happiness has never been this present in my whole entire life and I truly owe this happiness to my recovery. I never in a million years would’ve thought that I would be this comfortable and confident in the skin I am in. I won’t lie to you though, there are some days I really struggle, I want to lose weight, be skinnier and fitter, and change how I look but, I remind myself that changing the outside won’t change how I feel on the inside and if I am feeling a negative way about my body, there is something internal that I need to reflect on and I do.

This journey isn’t easy and there are many bumps in the road but, seeing as this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness week, I think it is important to reflect on where we started, where we are now, and how we cope when struggles arise in our recovery. I think for me, one of the biggest things I’ve been struggling with is just being my natural self. I love makeup and a good outfit because I feel empowered, confident, sexy, and just totally revolutionized whereas when I am wearing jeans and a sweatshirt with no makeup on – I definitely feel more self conscious and I’d like to work on that. So, I have decided not to wear makeup everyday and to start embracing my natural beauty. I think too, I’m not the best when it comes to skincare – I am very content with using a makeup wipe and hitting the pillow so, I think by doing this it’ll get me on a regular skin care regimen. Honest Beauty has free trials of their skincare products which range from dry to oily with balanced in between and it comes with a cleanser, moisturizer, and what they call a “beauty fluid” which has SPF 30 in it so, I have been trying that and I highly recommend it if you are looking for cruelty free and more natural skincare products. They feel very natural on my skin and I just ordered a full size bundle – if anyone would like an update on how my skin reacts to it in a month or so, just let me know!

It feels really good to be writing again, I’ve missed you guys! You all listen to my problems or successes and are always so supportive, thank you! So many things are happening that I just can’t believe that this is my life. I work full time and go to night school so, I’m a pretty busy person but, I’m finding a balance between work and play. Finding that special time for me and the people I love and this journey has just been so rewarding.

If you are dealing with an eating disorder and feel stuck – I just want you to know that there is a way out. That the light at the end of the tunnel will make itself known to you. You just need to trust that it will happen and it will. I know some days feel like they will never end – that the pain will never end but, it does. Talk to someone you feel comfortable with whether it be a significant other, family member, teacher, counselor, what have you – someone will be there to listen and help you towards your first steps of recovery because quite honestly, I believe that talking is the first step. Letting someone know what you are going through and opening yourself up is the hardest part in my opinion. You can even shoot me a message and I will be there to listen and give whatever advice that I can.

Thank you again to those of you who take the time to read my blogs, your support means the world to me.

Those of you who follow me on my social media wanted me to write about how I was recently featured on Paige Smather’s podcast called “Nutrition Matters Podcast”. You can listen to the episode here and leave a comment below of what your thoughts were when listening to it! I would appreciate anyone who takes the time to tune in as it is about an hour and fifteen minutes.

In the podcast Paige and I discuss my journey through dieting, restriction, binging, self hate, and body dysmorphia over the course of ten years. We focus on the main points of my recovery and where I am at now mentally and physically. I am honored that I was able to share my story on a podcast that delivers such a healthy and loving message. Paige’s podcast surrounds itself around true nutrition, body acceptance, and Intuitive Eating which are three topics that I love! Paige is sweet, intelligent, and really easy to talk to (you can hear it in the episode!).

My long time readers know my struggle with the dieting cycle and binge eating. I have documented many of my attempts to lose weight through the various diets I have tried and although it is sad to read those old posts of mine, I am also proud to be where I am at now and I am even more proud to share a much more vibrant and positive message.

Thank you again to those who have supported me the past few years and to those who have taken the time to listen to the podcast.