Around the Fool

Around the Fool-Nick Fuentes

Around the Fool’s Gold round table, no holiday has the prestige among us minimally funny men and women like Halloween. Personally, I’m addicted to chocolate so candy on Halloween is not that big of a deal. Don’t you readers tell me that I’m the only one who stays stocked with a variety package of candy 365 days a year. And costumes really aren’t that intriguing to me either, after four years of living in “Keep Austin Weird,” you begin to become numb to people dressing outlandishly. But with Halloween comes haunted houses, and that’s what we at FG love the most. There’s nothing quite like becoming the main actor in a live-action horror film, and haunted houses deliver that experience every year.

Being such a big fan of the scariest industry available to humans, FG decided to go interview an actor who works at a haunted house near ATX.

CA: I was fired from House of Torment (haunted house in N. Austin) for being too serial killer like.

FG: (I decided to rephrase the question) Why did you become an actor for a haunted house in the first place?

CA: I was fired from McDonald’s for being too serial killer like.

FG: (I gave up on that question) What do you enjoy about your job?

CA: I enjoy scaring people so much that they…

FG:.. sh*t their pants?

CA: (laughing) Yes. I actually hold the record for the most people in one night that had that reaction in my section of the haunted house. We call em “fear induced splatters,” and I caused 8 in a single night.

FG: You must have been proud?

CA: Yup, Jose the cleaning guy wasn’t happy about the mess though.

Curious about Serial Killers 1-3, I asked:

FG: Why Serial Killer #4?

CA: I’m actually the only actor on site portraying a serial killer, but I like to tell people I killed Serial Killers 1 through 3. It adds a little bit of a back story to my character.

FG: Would you ever consider being a demon, or a zombie, or a monster? Or is serial killer your calling?

CA: Well I’ve never been fired for being too demon/zombie/monster like, so no.

FG: Just to clarify, how many times have you been fired for being too serial killer like?

CA: 3 times, 4 if you count being arrested for being too serial killer like.

We do not count that as being fired, and that was the first time we had heard of a man being arrested for being too serial killer like.

FG: What do you do during the other 11 months out of the year?

CA: I’m here, ready for anyone who happens to wander in during one of the dead portions of the year. Would you guys like to see my cabin? It’s right behind that collection of trees. Just beyond earshot of anyone who could hear your screams.

I have no idea why he described his cabin like that but by this point we had all we needed, and we were one more question away from sh*tting our pants. Also our intern didn’t like the way Carl was staring at him so we decided to pack it up and get out of there before it got dark.

After that terrifying experience, all we at Fool’s Gold can say is, haunted houses might be employing the creepiest individuals we have ever come across, but damn it haunted houses are awesome and fun.

Happy Halloween, and if you decide to visit Sh*t Your Pants, make sure you take a friend to keep track of you and an extra pair of pants.