Part of me feels the desire to apologize for not posting for a while. Another part of me says I have no obligation to post. My only obligation is to my recovery.

For anyone wondering about my heart health, it seems fine. It was likely a digestive issue that went away by itself after 4 days.

Wanted to drop a line to say that I feel like I'm finally walking down a path that is heading in a direction I know will liberate me from my past. I've finally found the path, and I finally KNOW it is the right path. The universe is giving me the feedback I have long been looking for.

My encounters with people are becoming easier with ever increasing potential for joy and discovery and delight. Fear and anxiety are slipping away. I still have some anger with my negligent mother for putting me through hell (partly what I've spent most of my life trying to recover from), while coming to terms with the idea that she "did the best she could". I have a hard time with this still.

But I'm finding that I am beginning to trust my own instincts, and thus, know what behavior or tactic to take. I'm starting to be able to trust my own feelings; and starting to learn when and how to honor my own feelings, honor myself, and behave with respect towards others regardless of their intent.

I'm finding that I am not the helpless victim I grew up believing that I was. And I'm finding that I can resolve my own emotional torrents when they occur without having to scream out, hoping for someone to hear me (and rescue me). I now know that I am in (and have been) in the process of rescuing myself. I should be proud of my abilities to survive with all those odds stacked against me.

So much of my life has been enslaved to fear and anxiety of other people, of life. So much of my life lost to anger and frustration. I feel like my addressing CSA with all of you here has opened the flood gates to the rest of my recovery, and now I am starting to reap what I've been sowing for all these years.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is - I'm glad I stuck it out. I'm glad I kept working and slogging through it, even though there were many MANY times I was exasperated and on the verge of giving up. Many of you have supported me in PM and on the forum here, and I appreciate the comradery of understanding we have here. It gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone in trying to wrestle the demons that I inherited from my family lineage.

good to "see" you so positive and upbeat. sounds like you are in a really good place.glad you felt the freedom from obligation - in order to do what was best for you. that is healthy.feel free to share as much as you want to.or not!

thanks for the good news,lee

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"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

....Part of me feels the desire to apologize for not posting for a while. Another part of me says I have no obligation to post. ...I'm finally walking down a path that is heading in a direction I know will liberate me from my past. ...The universe is giving me the feedback I have long been looking for.

Hey Magellen,

No apologies needed. You have had a long difficult road, and worked hard to get where you are now. No doubt your new path will have some bumps and ruts, but I have no doubt you will sail past them with no difficulty. I have always believed in you D. Everything you need has always been within reach, and now you have the courage to grab it and run. YAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!

Jude

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I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan

Hi D this is great! This is fantastic that your in such a good place, particularly since I remember how dark some of the places you've been through have been. As you know you and I do have some comonalities, so this is even better news for me.

I particularly admire the way you say "yeah, there is still anger and I still feel this, but I'm okay with that!" that if there is a pure statement of what recovery means that's it.

You have no obligation to post, indeed I've had plenty of comings and goings myself, but it's great to hear from you when you do wherever you might be.

I am also surprised, sometimes, by what I write. It does appear that I've been learning to ACCEPT. My life, who I am, who I was, what happened, how I feel. Accept that sometimes I'll feel like crap. Accept that I have power to change. Accept that the past is the past. Accept that I have to learn to move on.

I wish recovery was faster. I really really wish so. Part of me is quite angry still that I had to endure all this shit. That same part of me wonders why it has to take so much damn time to get anywhere in recovery. I've been working at this for over 30 years, and only in this past year am I feeling like I finally am getting somewhere in my recovery. And I can finally envision a positive outcome. It's exciting to see it, but it still feels so far off.

But there's a couple more hurdles I have to jump. And they're immediately in front of me, blocking my path forward.

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