Sunday, January 29, 2012

"I love you,"
He grinned, as he held the keys
To my car.
The one he routinely took the liberty
Of calling his car.
He drive it more than I did
Of course he drove me to dinner
Which I paid for
Because I loved him too.

"I love you.."
He breathed into my neck
As he sank himself deep
Inside of me
Minus a condom
He loved that too
No worries as far as he cared
He wouldn't contribute
If anything did happen.
So I was lucky it didn't.

'I love you'
Something I don't say
Lightly.
Because it's got the power
To inspire life, and death
Say it to someone
Who deserves it
Unless you mean it
Then guard that love
Passionately.

"I love you!"
He exclaimed
"let's get married."
My heart compromised
I knew he never cared
He wanted the extra money
Not me.
I was the liability
He made it very clear
And here I am.
Wondering why I believed
The first "I love you."

Monday, January 23, 2012

So, it's January. Of 2012. And I'm having an excellent year. Florida forgot that we had a winter season, so it opted for 70 degree weather with plenty of sunshine.

The darker side of me has finally quieted down. At night it still haunts me on occasion. I'll dream of the perfect summer, how it went so wrong in the end, and wake up torn apart and shaking. On those mornings, I choose to work out until the pain subsides. But those occasions are fading into history.

I have a lot of gratitude towards Aaron, although I can't really express it right now. He was a solid friend while I was
like a wave in the sea. I miss that stability sometimes, and hope that he can find his way back to that part of himself. Maybe I regret rushing into marriage, but his friendship I'll always be glad I experienced. Maybe I'll find forgiveness somewhere down the road.

I find it really disconcerting how little respect some people have for
another person and their beliefs. With Tim Tebow making news every week with his stance for Christ, I've been forced to face the staunch loyalty of Christians to their god and my own past. I'm not proud if that stage in my life. I was a very judgmental teen, and it never crossed my mind that I was just another blot in the stain of humanity. I always just knew I was better. That mindset angers me now, and I'm sorry I ever entertained it.

Now, I'm not actually the opposite of what I was. Balance is a huge stabilizer in my life. I want to experience the middle ground, because to me that's the only way to live contentedly. Radical views and actions only incur drama, and I am not a fan of drama. I do like challenging myself and others to think about why we as a society behave as we do and believe what we do.

I'm aware that approval isn't something I need. It's a welcome gesture, and from a select few, a necessary one. But most of the time, the opinions of others don't apply. Why? Because everyone judges based on their own experiences, and each human has their own story. So it's virtually impossible to please everyone anyway! I know in my deepest inside what is good for me, and I follow that.

I'm the proud owner of a kitchen! The past year has between a flurry of fast food, avoiding the galley and eating canned dinners and ramen noodles. Not a great slogan for the Navy. But I finally got a place, with a kitchen. I made cake. Then burritos. Life is good.

I'm about to take off for work. Thanks for listening. If you know of something else you'd like me to cover in a post, shoot me your suggestion and I'll get on it. :) au revoir...

I've started my first job at a real command! It's absolutely epic and promises to be a huge success. This is going to be a job I'll find extremely rewarding, not to mention fascinating. The benefits the navy and my rate have to offer are overwhelming. I'm going to make rank fast. Also, my chain of command is really a huge support network. This is my kind of life.

I've begun pt again. After a few rounds of chemo, I was left absolutely exhausted. I went from 146 lbs. in October, to 107 in December. So it's a huge relief that I'm back in good health and improving.

My little sister is coming to see me in two months! What an exciting perspective. I am super excited. She was my favorite baby sibling to care for, I can't wait to bond with her one on one.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

In the evenings, I used to slip down the hall in the barracks to my friend Elaine's room. She didn't have a roommate, which was super cool because I had my own bed to chill on. Then would commence all manner of merriment and relaxation.

One night, we did nothing but read www.damnyouautocorrect.com all night long. Our faces hurt from laughing so much. Who would have thought vaginal extract would be a secret ingredient for cookies? Or that you're phone could change 'fajitas' to 'babies'? Not me.

Another night, she introduced me to Ricky Gervais, a most excellent british comedian. I highly recommend him to anyone, he's simply hilarious. That was not as epic as the night we read the whole comic book V For Vendetta, in one night, taking turns, aloud. It have me chills reading it, and it reminded us if bedtime stories, only my mom never read me anything quite so intense.

We had fun in the daytime as well. We were both in the same holding unit, so most mornings we worked together. We went by the name Bannett, a mix of both our names. We would have lunch together, take escorts together... Basically I can't imagine being without her.

Which is why when she got orders to a ship in Virginia, I shut down for about a week. I didn't know how to talk to her. I felt like we had just gotten to a point that we trusted each other. I never expected her to open up to me the way she did. I loved to discuss serious topics with her, because she brought a viewpoint I had never thought of. I needed her.

So, I smiled and laughed through her last days. We watched Sherlock Holmes, ate huge mouthfuls of frosting on a little cookie, and danced in the living room. And then she was gone. My intense, Batman loving, sarcastic, loyal capricorn was gone.

I guess the good thing is that we keep in touch a hell of a lot better than I thought we would. We talk nearly every day, and laugh. She is having a crazy new lifestyle on board a carrier. She is stationed with a mutual friend, and near her sister, and I get to see images and hear stories of awesome adventures.

This has a happy ending. Her home of record is in the town I'm stationed in. so she will be forced to come back and visit me. Get ready, there are so many adventures in store for the two of us. Right now, I'm just glad to say I know a girl who is as raw and real as me, a girl I can trust, and I feel pretty damn rich for it.

Friday, January 6, 2012

I am the flag of the United States of America. My name is Old Glory. I fly atop the world’s tallest buildings. I stand watch in America’s halls of justice. I fly majestically over great institutions of learning. I stand guard with the greatest military power in the world. Look up and see me!

I stand for peace – honor – truth and justice. I stand for freedom. I am confident – I am resolved – I am proud.

When I am flown with my fellow banners, my head is a little higher – my colors a little truer.

I am recognized all over the world. I am respected – I am loved and I am feared! And when attacked, my goal is victory.

I have fought in every battle of every war for more than 200 years: Gettysburg, San Juan Hill, the trenches of France, the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome, the beaches of Normandy, Guam, Okinawa, Japan, Korea, Vietnam, in the Persian Gulf and a score of places long forgotten, by all but those who were there with me … I was there!

I led my soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines. I followed them and watched over them. They loved me.

I was on a small hill in Iwo Jima, I was dirty, battle worn and tired. But my soldiers cheered me! And I was proud!

I have been soiled, burned, torn and trampled on in the streets of countries I have helped set free, but it does not hurt – for at least and at last, they are free!

I have flown over the rubble in New York City after a dastardly attack on America and the free world, where thousands of my citizens and other nations’ citizens perished - and that does hurt. And my miracle men and women of the armed forces who are fighting to free Iraq and Afghanistan from the control of tyrannical dictators who have held their own people as slaves and who sponsor and train terrorists to bring havoc to all freedom loving people everywhere. The magnificent men and women of our military look up to me as they fight to turn the tide of this ruthless and despicable enemy. And how disheartening and demoralizing it is for my troops to hear the caustic and critical words from those who want and demand immediate success at no cost to anyone. Remember America, freedom doesn’t come overnight – freedom has a cost! And now our troops are working around the clock to bring order and purpose out of “Katrina’s” attack on our own soil, and I am proud of them as over any military victory in our history.

But I shall overcome – for I am stronger than the terrorists cowards and dictators who have now sealed their own fate- defeat! And this nation will not remain incapacitated by the forces of nature. Mark my word - we will not fail.

I have been a silent witness to all of America’s finest hours and I now long to see us united as never before, but my finest hour comes when I am torn in strips to be used as bandages for my wounded comrades on the field of battle. When I fly at half-mast to honor my soldiers, my sailors, my airmen, my marines, firemen and policemen and medical workers, and when I lie in the trembling arms of a grieving mother at the graveside of her fallen son.

America, I am proud to be your flag and your banner for freedom. My name is “Old Glory”. Long may I wave. Dear god, long may I wave!

About Me

No, you can't stopThe motion of the oceanOr the rain from aboveThey can try to stop the paradiseWe're dreaming ofBut you cannot stop the rhythmOf two hearts in love to stay'Cause you can't stop the beat!

Friends

About the Artist

I live in a world full of fantastic color. My name is baby blue and feels like cotton candy. I have synesthesia, which is a rare sensory condition. ****
I love music more than anything in the world, probably because it is the music of angels :)****
Gandhi is my hero and my role model, although I don't agree with everything he said or did.****
I never really had a childhood, but I'm happy to announce that the child in me is now alive and strong!
You can read my story at http://pastflashes.blogspot.com/