Sattires ( Page 1 of 3 )

Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.
Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
My boss walked past my desk and asked me: "Why are you not working?"I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".

Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded!
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.2. I would not allow this student to breed.3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.4. Your child is depriving a village of an idiot.5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.7. This child has been working with glue too much.8. When tour daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t here.10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone.

You are so poor you eat cereal with forks to save milk!
You are so poor your face is on the cover of a food stamp!
You are so poor when I walked in your front door a mouse tripped me and a cockroach stole my wallet!
You are so poor I walked in your house and asked to use thebathroom and you told me to pick a corner!
You are so poor that you use dental floss as toilet paper!
You're so poor that yesterday I saw your mother moving a trashcan from one street to another. I asked what was she doing and she said, ''I am moving it's too noisy over there!

1.A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens
2.Welcome to the Men "Versus" Women Joke Page. The Battle of the Sexes is alive and kicking these days and this category tends to add to the friendly battle. We all know that Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus and that we will never understand each other. These differences and misunderstandings are humorous to poke fun at.The MJB's are far from a sexist organization and prefer mixed company to one sex or the other. If any of the jokes are offensive to you, please understand that by publishing the joke, the Webmaster is making no statement about personal beliefs and is just acting as a reporter or parrot.
3.A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts!
"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"Thats wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".

A Pakistani army soldier walks into his officer's room.
To impress him, the army office picks the phone, dials a number and said "Yes sir, I understand sir. I will tell the Prime Minister. Goodbye."
Looking at the soldier he barked "What do you want?"
"Nothing sir." he replied. "I just came to install your telephone."
Musharraf joined Pakistani army and was given a gun.
Musharraf asked his Officer: Sir, to what side should I point its nozzle, towards myself or to the opposite side.
Officer: Stupid, keep it anyway, in both the cases it will benefit the nation.

1.Pandit Ajay Devgn predicts, on Koffee with Karan, that Kareena and Saif Ali Khan shouldn't get married!
2.Kamal Hassan's daughter Shruti gets her first kiss from serial-kisser Emran Hashmi, which is considered to be a good omen for heroines.
3.Mallika Sherawat has been thrown out from the dance show Chak Dhoom Dhoom, reportedly because of her star tantrums.

Santa: How much the earth is far from here?Banta: 1 kilo meter.Santa jumped into the sea and asked again: "...In which direction?"Banta: Downwards ! Santa: I am so miser (kanjoos) that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money.Bania: That is nothing, I saved full money. I sent my wife for honeymoon with a friend.

A Pakistani army soldier walks into his officer's room.To impress him, the army office picks the phone, dials a number and said "Yes sir, I understand sir. I will tell the Prime Minister. Goodbye."Looking at the soldier he barked "What do you want?" Nothing sir." he replied. "I just came to install your telephone."

Laloo, Jayalalitha, and karunanidhi are on a long flight in an Air Force plane. Laloo pulls out a 100 Rupee note and says, "I'm going to throw this Rs. 100 note out and make someone down below happy." Jayalalitha not wanting to be outdone says,"If that was my 100 Rupee note, "I would split it into two Rs. 50 notes throw them down and make two people down below happy."Of course karunanidhi doesn't want these two candidates to out do him so he pipes in," I would instead take one hundred Rs. 1 notes and throw them out tomake 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore comes out and says,"If I throw all three of you out of this plane and I'll make 100 crore people happy!"