Maybe I really do have commitment issues. I’ve been thinking about my ex. He keeps saying we should try again. I tell him nope, let’s just be friends, and although he’s not pushing, he’s still asking, and inviting me to parties and stuff. Then he says he loves me, and even though I don’t run, it feels really weird and different to hear stuff like that. He didn’t say it in a mushy gooey-gooey way (maybe then I would have run), but in a more matter-of-fact way, which seemed more sincere to me but…

Anyway, I don’t love him. But I must really like him for some reason I can’t explain. It’s not like he’s all that, but there’s just that something about him…*confusion here*. Maybe I’m not willing to give it a shot because I’m wondering if there isn’t someone out there who I’ll have more intense feelings for, or who is richer, or more handsome, or has a better body, than him. I think that’s the problem. I’m still as confused as I was when I started this note.

I found out from 3 of my male friends that when they were young and stupid, I mean really young like 8 – 16 years old, they visited a babalawo (read medicine man/ native doctor/ really-freaky-old-man-who-chants-incantations-and-spills-chicken-blood). They did this for the following reasons:

• One wanted to get back his 19,000 Naira that was stolen from his backpack at school – and no, he never found the money
• For the other one, he and his friends wanted to get more strength to beat up other guys in the neighborhood- they paid extra to get a charm that would freeze their opponents, but alas, no freezing occurred.
• And for the last one, he and his friends wanted to win a football match. They gave the medicine man a whole lot of money and still lost the match 19-6.

Can you believe that? I had no idea that some little boys had the courage to go and dabble in ritualistic stuff.

There’s something about not wearing underwear under my clothes that is some what…liberating…I feel…vulnerable but at the same time I feel free and sexy!
I can say that the increased release of pheromones has had any effect on the opposite sex in my immediate environment but I just love it!
So I’m too busty to go out with out any brassiere on but I can afford to not were panties! 😉
Life is too damn short not to be silly right…Don’t take life too seriously
Been doing this for two weeks now. Save on my laundry detergent and energy to wash too!
Loving this!

why do people even have that?
Like really?
I can’t remember my last weekend. Needless to say It was the same as any other weekend.lol
Weekends are the time where I sit in my car for hours afraid to go up to my house!
So its another Friday, Its past 6pm and I don’t want to home…
I wish I could go out and go drinking and get high, but besides the useless calories which will move me away from my 75kg goal, it feels like such a waste of money when I could get eyeshadow or something tangible with that.
I miss the time when money didn’t matter. now every cent matters and I have to invest it wisely because to begin with, it isn’t mine and it isn’t enough.
My life has reduced to a boring nothingness and I’m forced to wonder was it always like this and I didn’t notice? Or have I just degenerated beyond recognition.

It’s the the 4th of June and I’ll be 26 in about a month.
I remember my last birthday quite clearly, mostly because it was uneventful as usual and from the look of things, history will repeat itself.
On my 25th birthday, I woke up in bed with my mom. Let me clarify, in the past i hoped that id wake up in bed on my 25th birthday to a smile that wasn’t full of pride and admiration of my mother. The only upside was my avatar woke me up by midnight singing. Let’s face it, it was harsh to the ear but the gesture made its point and it was literarily the peak of the day.
What I have achieved since that day, i really can’t say. My spiritual life is more or less the same. Not bad but the same. My academic performance is more or less the same. I know alot more about business and money making than I did then. I love my mom a whole lot more, my brother and my sister are all I live for.
My personal life…should I say even say “my” since i really don’t have one? It’s Friday night again and like all other Friday nights I am alone. I have made out with two more men bringing the total number of frogs to…(let me count)…6? 5? I think its six…I have learnt that all men cheat, ALL. I have gotten and given orals so much it’s like a lunch snack…no meaning…no value. I have broken in so many tiny pieces, it is hard to feel anything. And when I think i feel something, its just more crash sounds…
But I have learnt that in my weakness, pain and difficulty, I am strong and a survivor
In my many disappointments, in myself and in them, i have learnt patience and persistence.
I have learnt that even when there is that void, I am not empty and I will not drown.
It may sound alittle weird, but I have found a way to split me quite literarily. It happens when I have to face this life and deal with it. A side of me locks down the other and zombie mode goes on auto for weeks and she takes care of us.

He will wake me up on the 5th of July, 2010. I hope i wake up in bed with someone who isn’t my mom or some guy pretending I matter…I just don’t want to wake up alone that morning…

What’s a relationship without constant communication. Lately, I’ve been feeling like we don’t have any. Isn’t this the stage where the two of us are supposed to be all mushy gooey and not letting each other rest? But he’s always busy and when he’s not busy he’s tired, and I’m tired of making every meeting seem like an effort. Can’t we just decide to meet for lunch or have an impromptu date? Instead everything has to be planned and it’s taking a lot more effort than I’m prepared to give.

So instead of putting in more effort and getting more understanding, I’ve found myself wondering if he even thinks of me when we don’t see and when he doesn’t call. It’s easy to see he like me well enough when we’re hanging out (and not doing anything naughty in fact) but we’re not giving that time and opportunity for the ‘like’ to turn into anything more.

Most times now, I just say ‘fuck it and fuck boys’ cause I don’t need to be thinking of any stupid arse f*^cker and getting stupid insecurities. Besides, we’re in the same town and it’s like this, how do we cope when I travel?!?! So, fuck it (and see what happens next) or hang on and put in more effort (and see what happens next). Which now?

What the hell does being in a relationship even mean? I just got into one with a guy I’ve known for a long while. Somehow, we managed to stay in touch after many periods of forgetting each other. Now that we’re dating I’m at a loss. What am I supposed to be doing? Are we supposed to act differently? Am I supposed to buy him presents? Am I supposed to expect presents from him? Am I supposed to cook for him (oh God)? How often should we make out (hehe)? What am I supposed to be doing as a girlfriend?!?!??!

When I asked him, he said ‘just be yourself’. True, this answer is cool and made me feel good truth be told, but I’m still at a loss. I could be myself and still do other stuff right? What are those other stuff that I should be doing? Do I sound as confused as I am? So, any advice? Anyone?

P.S. He didn’t get me anything for my birthday. Does that mean I shouldn’t get him something either??

So, I didn’t get called by Monitor Group despite my “fine achievements” as they put it.
I don’t know what to think or say so most of this post will be in pictures.
So my dream, which looked allot like this:

I’m still searching for a job. It’s getting tiring really. GTB “rejected” me but then again who wanted them? They were offering entry-level. Won’t it make better sense to go back to my father’s farm?
(Hiss)

I’ve applied to all top 10 consulting firms in Africa. Down loaded a list and wrote enough cover letters to drive me nuts…Monitor Group came. The test wasn’t so bad. I prepared for it so I’m hopeful. Thing is, there was negative marking. Minus one for every wrong and plus 3 for every right. I was able to do just 14 out of 23 but I’m sure of all of them. That’s 60.8%. Now, I hope It’s enough because I can see us chilling on our private south African Beach sucking on one of those colorful straws and little umbrella things, big shades, swimwear, water, sun and God only. I here it’s like 4.5 million per annum. Can you beat that?!

I applied to McKinsey & company too. They need my transcript so I have to get that in quickly. I here they will be here to give us a test too and I’m gingerly getting ready.
Friday is Dangote test. Dunno what the pay is like or anything but let’s weigh all our options right? For some reason they invited me for their test.

I need new shoes, to pay for this damn BB, to buy a new battery for my laptop, new clothes, spray and fix my car, pay a rent, get a new laptop bag, buy me ice-cream…whew…should I go on? All this could just go on?
All this could be fixed with a nose-dripping rich boyfriend, who is generous and doesn’t need sex…ok, he will have to be gay right? Well, a girl can dream right?
My Avatar sent me some money to day. It’s not much but it’s quite a relief to my financial strangulation at the moment. It will help me make up this BB money. Can you believe I didn’t have real bathing soap for a week?!
Granted, the inability to feed has the upside of weight-loss but boy, it is tough. The regular stipend just doesn’t cut it anymore really.
I’m thinking of making him my Profile picture for a day…you think?
–D

I thought I’d share a story of the first (and only time) I’ve given bribe *shamefaced*. This happened the first time I took my Aunt’s car for a drive.

I was rushing to the office to get my flash drive for my brother before going for my first Nigerian Institute of Management (NIM) class. I stopped at the Market traffic light (I was probably the 6th car from the traffic lights), and when the lights turned green I went by and turned right to go down the bridge. Well, at least I started to turn right when 2 police men came out of nowhere and flagged me down, saying that I beat the light. They made me park and one of them entered the car. I tried to insist that the light hadn’t even turned orange when I passed it, but I realized that disagreeing with him would do no good. So I just said ‘sorry, I didn’t notice’.

So, there was a 10 minutes batter where he insisted I drive to their office, and I insisted that I couldn’t, on and on. Then, another policeman came by and said ‘just talk to him and settle it now?’ So I asked the policeman in the car ‘what can I do not to go to your office?’ The guy said I should drop 15,000 Naira since if I go to their office I would pay about 50,000 Naira. So, we battered. I asked for 6,000, but when I saw he had exchanged his smile for a stony and adamant face, I agreed to 9,000 Naira. At the end of it, I started wondering whether I really had beaten the light.

Anyway, he went his way and I went mine, my purse significantly lighter. I’m actually ashamed to have succumbed to the Nigerian thing and giving bribes to blood leaching, cold, parasitic policemen (well known for their extortion), but right then I was thinking of how not to get my aunts’ car impounded.

Funny enough, the 3rd time I took the car out, I stopped at the same traffic light and drove by when the light was green. I think I was the 4th car from the traffic light this time, and the 1st to turn right again. Three policemen started flagging me down again. Aha, I thought, so this is how they get their money on weekends at this junction – by lying that people are disobeying the traffic light. So, I promptly changed direction and went straight instead. In fact, I’m still surprised at my fast thinking haha. I’ve decided that if they flag me down at that junction again, I’ll give them the finger and refuse to stop.