Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I Can't Have Nice Things

On Saturday morning, I woke up feeling oddly refreshed and perky. What a difference a non-hangover makes, eh folks?

After watching TV for a short while in the dark hovel that is our apartment, I realized I better put this energy to good use before the couch sucks me in and I lose my urge to shower and communicate with the outside world.

But what to do...what to do. Oh! Of course! I must spend money on stuff!

So Devin (the boyfriend) and I made our way to Target. After buying a new mop, broom, an enormous box of cat litter and an even more enormous bag of cat food, we moved on to housewares for the apartment. For as long as I've been out of college, I've had in my head that I want my apartment to look like an actual grown up's apartment. Yet despite my forbiddance of unframed posters and mismatched bedding, I have never been able to achieve this.

But I made some small strides while at Target. We bought a paper towel rack. Also, some new glasses, which all match one another, to replace the embarrassing assortment previously filling our cupboards: plastic cups with faded Baja Fresh and Subway logos, two glasses with the playboy bunny logo inhereted from our neighbor, a beer stein with a plaque that says "James," leftover from a previous roommate, and a few pint glasses featuring a high school photo of Devin's cousin.

Feeling quite unstoppable, we then moved on to Bed, Bath & Beyond, where, much to our dismay, the only trash cans they sell are made by Simple Human and cost $100. Designer trash cans. Well, fuck me.

While Devin sampled the massage chair for 20 minutes, I picked out new pillows and a mattress cover. And, yes, I was terribly excited about my new bedding, but I was over-the- moon excited about the new hamper! It was wicker! And pretty! And had dual compartments for sorting clothes into lights and darks...or hot and cold...oh the choices! Certainly this glorious new hamper would at last usher me into proper adulthood, as, logically, the reason I only do my laundry once a month is because my old hamper is so ugly.

Cut to several hours later. Most of the shopping bags are unpacked. We've been cleaning the apartment to make way for our cool new things. I'm in the bedroom, trying to find mates for all our socks, when Devin walks in.

D: Did the hamper make it in here?Me: Uh. D: I don't see it with this stuff.Me: I guess it's in the car.D: I don't remember putting it in the car.Me: Well...D: Did it make it out of the store?Me: I remember you saying it was really heavy. So yeah.

So he leaves to see if it has indeed been left in the car. While he's gone, an awful thought pops into my head. And when he returns to the apartment without my lovely hamper, I share this awful thought.

Me: Do you remember when we were backing out of the parking spot at the mall. There was this noise?D: Yeah like we hit something.

Pause. My eyelids: Blink blink. Blink blink.

D: We ran over the hamper.

Do you see? I just can't have nice things!

[If you're wondering how we could have run over a hamper without noticing, you should know that it was folded down into a very flat package that was only a few inches thick.]

So yesterday during my lunch break, I drove back to BB&B, armed with my receipt. My plan was to go to customer service and say, "Um, I bought all this stuff on Saturday, but when I got home, no hamper! It's the weirdest thing. Please help me."

And then, in case the cashier responded with, "How interesting. We found a totally crushed and destroyed hamper in the parking garage" I would respond with, "HaHA! Isn't that something? So THAT's what happened...heh" and hope they take pity on me for being so special.

And if that didn't work, I'd grab a new hamper and make a run for it.

When I walked back into the store, before heading to the customer service desk, I went over to display of the hampers to see if there was one there that looked like it may have been run over by a Volkswagon. And guess what. There was! I took pictures of the damage with my super shitty cellphone's super shitty camera, so I'm sorry if they don't look like anything. (Also, while I was crouched on the floor taking the pictures, two different employees came over and asked if I was ok.)

Ok, I know what you're thinking. "Shouldn't that be more fucked up if it got run over by a car?" I thought the same thing. I was expecting something more like this:But I told my coworker about it and he says that if you run over something flat, the only busted parts are at either end. And that's exactly what happened here, as you can see.

Anyway, they let me pick out a new hamper (I obviously didn't take the busted one. Suckers!) and everything was fine. But now I can't help but wonder if that was my runover hamper on display.

Does anyone want to volunteer to go to the Bed Bath and Beyond in Burbank, find an employee, point to the hamper and ask, "Excuse me, did someone run over this? "

I cannot respond to your statement about what a difference a non-hangover makes. Right now, I don't remember what that feels like.

LOVE Target. Love. May be why my apartment doesn't quite look like a grown-up's either. Meh, oh well. I'll grow all the way up someday.

I just bought a new laundry hamper/storage system about a week ago, so I am in touch with the excitement that comes with such a purchase!

I was crushed (ha!) when I read that you ran over it... and I laughed my ass off when it was back in the store! I seriously just emailed one of my best friends-- the one I was in LA to visit this weekend-- and told him, "Remember when I had a moment of crazy and was talking about my "imaginary" internet friends, who could be around here anywhere? OK, this is weird, but read this: [link to your post] Hahaha, isn't that hilarious?!? Go to the store and see if that's hers! Please? It's funny!" He lives in Burbank (OK, North Hollywood, but close enough), so I totally think he should go.

This is why I heart BB&B. We have a mutual friend, and a former roommate of mine, that used to use couch slipcovers until she got tired of them, repack them a year or so later, and exchange them for a new color/pattern.

lover/fighter- Ah, see you are much smarter than I am. I actually have about 3 days worth of underwear and yet I still never do laundry.

nicole- I too used to move all the time. But let me tell you this, you get so sick of it that you'll just end up like me, settling for an apartment with lousy plumbing, no dishwasher, no direct sunlight, and possible a cockroach problem.

inono- Um, I thought BB&B was a fancy adult store. Man, I am so not classy!

Very nice, gotta love a lenient return policy. We bought a new patio set almost two years ago now and right after we got it, my husband left the umbrella up one day while he went inside. The next thing he knew, he heard a huge crash and ran out back to see what happened--a gust of wind had caught the umbrella Mary Poppins-style and it blew up and over our house and down the street.

It was completely in pieces, but Home Depot STILL let him return it for a new one!! Good thing 'cause those suckers are like $150!!

lizzie- Yes. I can't imagine why a store would take back a product that you've clearly ruined, but they always do it. God bless America.

Peter- No it was in plain sight, right at the front of the display! And we didn't get out to look because he though it was just the bumper of his low low car hitting the ground, and I thought it was just a fast food container or something. So there!