We all delve into our local Craigslist Classifieds and find some nerdy and weird ads featuring VHS tapes, compulsively curated comic book collections, the Fun TV portable videotape player and Bill. Who makes deliveries. It’s a fun discussion with lots of Internet craziness. Come check it out.

Well, it’s now October. Hard to believe. We are in the thrust of the college and pro football seasons and Halloween is right around the corner. Time flies when you are getting worked like a dog. The below article was written several weeks ago but I thought it would work better as the opening article for the month of October seeing as how it’s about beer. I have mentioned RateBeer.com before, but I thought it would be fun to delve a little deeper into it. Enjoy.

I joined RateBeer.com in 2005 with my friend Steve. We started rating our favorite beers and noticed that our tastes ran exactly opposite those of the most popular raters on the site. We like the light, American pale lager, whereas “beer snobs” tend to prefer the thick, dark sludge-like consistency of the European beers. So Steve and I started to write a bunch of “tongue in cheek” reviews blasting beer snob’s favorite beers and glowing reviews of the American lagers. It was all done in fun and even if no one else thought it was funny, he and I did.

Well, early in this blog’s life, I wrote about an incident I had with a beer snob at RateBeer.com back in 2005. He was an ass, we exchanged some emails, I got pissed and wrote a blog article about it. It was dumb, but it kinda got me off the site. Well, I went back recently to read some of my old beer reviews and I thought they were funny. These reviews were written before I had a blog, but it showed me I enjoyed writing and having fun with product reviews. I thought I would share a few of my reviews from that site so you can see what I was talking about.

Here you can see the main account page at RateBeer.com. My reviews are in the right hand grey column. My personal details are in the left hand yellow column. I have 39 reviews posted as of today. My last one was dated in October 2005. On your profile, RateBeer has you put a Beer Philosophy. Here’s what I wrote:

I prefer the lighter, American macro-brews. I like my women dark, not my beer.

That about sums it up, I think. RateBeer.com is a fun site to use, but some of the members can be a little snotty. They were probably snotty because the hardcore members were just irritated that I wasn’t taking it as seriously as they were. Regardless, the site is interesting to look through and read reviews, so check it out if you get a chance.

Now let’s take a look at some of my reviews. Here are several of my favorite beer reviews I wrote on RateBeer.com.

Bud Light – “My favorite beer and what I compare all other beers to. Crisp, clean American taste. After a few bottles I feel like running for President and invading a small totalitarian government!”

Bud Ice Light – “I didn’t think it was possible, but Bud made a beer lighter than Bud Light. This is like drinking out of the faucet. Really good for bar-b-ques. Why nurse your bottles of beer when you can drink a case of this and still be able to pilot the red-eye from New York to LA the next morning?”

Keystone Light – “This would normally go directly towards my beer interests, but it’s more uninteresting than it is good. Cheap, which I like, but boring, which I don’t.”

Milwaukee’s Best – “Ahh, the Blue Can of Death (BCoD). This is only worth a try if you are short on cash since a case of this crap only costs about 20 cents. And that’s for a reason. I can brew better beer in a used prison toilet.”

Samuel Adams Boston Ale – “I’m actually embarrassed this is an American beer. WTF?! It tastes like someone took a spoiled keg of beer and puked in it. I wouldn’t clean my toilet with this crap.”

Samuel Adams Boston Lager – “Another catastrophic failure for the Boston Beer Company. Heavy ass lager that tastes like I licked the bottom of an oak barrel. The only reason this gets a 3 in Flavor is because I tried it in Colonial Williamsburg on draft and managed to choke it down without throwing up bile the rest of the night.”

Sapporo Classic – “[A very] nice, Japanese beer. Thick with a heavy aftertaste, but goes down nice with a plate of fried rice and a cup of sake. Drop your cup of sake into a glass of this beer to create a Sake Bomber. Not responsible for you getting your drunk ass kicked out of the restaurant. ”

Amstel Light – “Not surprised this is brewed by Heineken. Bittersweet taste, not in a good way. Like Heineken, if I want to feel pretentious and snobby, I’ll stand in a bar holding a bottle of this, otherwise I ask for Bud Light. Is there an Amstel regular?”

Natural Light – “Great if you are on a budget and enjoy drinking stale tap water. One of my friend’s favorites, I’m thinking of dis-owning him.”

Natural Ice – “For those of you who thought regular Natural Lite was too bold and hopsy, here’s your beer. Holy crap, I get more of a taste from swallowing my own spit. It will get ya drunk, but so will swigging Nyquil.”

Foster’s – “Australian for ASS.”

Olde English 800 – “”8-Ball” I bought this beer because of the NWA song enumerating the virtues of drinking it. I was slightly disappointed. No ghetto hoes were butt-dancing in my grill after cracking open this malt liquor. I’d rather cap myself gansta-style than drink another bottle.”

King Cobra – “I really wish I could rate the taste of this beer. I bought a 32oz bottle of it in college and it was unceremoniously stolen by one of my friends. He left only a note saying he owes me one Nattie Light. Needless to say, I killed this friend.”

When I wrote these 2 years I ago, I thought they were funny, and I still think so. Most of them were really “tongue in cheek”, like I said. If I bashed one of your favorite beers, I really am sorry, but I hated it.

But what do I know, I’m a wine snob. 😉

Hey, how about an update? I’ll write a few new reviews right this very moment. Let’s go.

Monty Python’s Holy Grail Ale – “What is your name? Pax.
What is your quest? To taste Monty Python’s Holy Ale.
What did you think? It’s like being simultaneously punched in the face and kicked in the groin. It was so bitter I felt like I drank a box of alum like I was in a Tom & Jerry cartoon. Yes, Monty, you made a horrible beer, the joke is on me. Why dost thou forsake us?”

Miller Chill – “Is this what Miller thinks Mexican beer tastes like? Have they ever even BEEN to Mexico…..and I don’t mean the one at Disney Epcot. This beer tastes like lime Kool-Aid mixed with dirty water. While probably close to the taste of real Mexican drinking water, it tastes nothing like Mexican beer.”

Last year, my friend, Steve, and I joined a website called RateBeer.com. The idea is simple, rate and review beers you drink for everyone to check out. Now, I freely admit that I am no beer enthusiast. My tastes run to the light American lager that true beer connoisseurs hate, a legacy left to me by my father (he still stocks his fridge with Keystone Light and Southpaw). The site is very cool and I enjoy reading the reviews that people put out there. It’s amazing how different other people’s tastes are from my own.

Steve and I thought it would be fun to rate beers we enjoy and completely tear apart the ones we hate, which, coincidentally, would be completely opposite of everyone else on the website. Check out my beer ratings here. The list should be sorted by my rating, with my favorites at the top. There are just under 40 beers there, click on a few and see how I reviewed them. If you want to see my friend Steve’s ratings click here. Our reviews for each beer will be the first one listed underneath the “Commercial Description” after you click on the beer title in the list.

While putting in my ratings, I was messaged through the site by some guy with the handle TAR mocking my ratings. His subject was ‘hahaha’ and the message said:

Saying Budweiser is beer is like calling Sutter Home or Thunderbird, wine.

I thought this was funny. Knowing I was going to hear from beer snobs like this was why I started rating beers on this site. I thought it would be fun to rip TAR a funny answer:

Just because it’s a macro-brew doesn’t automatically make it bad. I prefer beer that doesn’t taste like warm asphalt poured through an old shoe. I also prefer to be able to pronounce my beer in my native tongue. I’d put Pabst Blue Ribbon against your top beer anyday. If it was good enough for my grandfather and my father, it’s good enough for me.

In this reply, I was mocking the guy and his beer choices (which he started), but in a good-natured way. I didn’t expect his over-the-top and hostile reply:

First of all, when did I say all macros are bad? You need to learn how to read. Secondly, the example you cite (pouring beer through asphalt, for example) sounds as if you’ve let that beer alone to affect your overall view of decent-to-good beer, if it was indeed a decent beer that tasted like asphalt. Also, what exactly is your native tongue? Chances are, your ancestors were immigrants. Please don’t tell me you’re one of those people who claim that this land solely belongs to them. If so, you’re all wrong. You wouldn’t be here if that was the case. But of course you could never understand the points I’m making since you’re a stubborn, non-critical thinker like most dumb males. You probably also watch porn and football and voted for Bush (I’m a Republican, by the way, but if you cannot see that Bush is an idiot, something’s worng with you). Don’t be a bigot. And as for PBR — Please give me some specifics on how it compares to Rochefort 10. I’ve had all those beeers you claim are good, but have you tasted any of my faves? I thought not. Open your mind, dude.

To his credit, he did not say all macro-brews are bad. That was an assumption I made and it was my mistake. He did imply it, though. And even if my ancestors are immigrants, as he proclaims, wouldn’t I STILL have a native tongue? And I don’t remember claiming that this land, or any land for that matter, “belongs” to me. Wow, TAR is pissed and making wild and unfounded accusations about my person. He goes so far as to call me a bigot, too. Well, TAR, last I checked, you were the one to message me mocking my choice of Budweiser as a good beer. Then when I explained my opinion, you lash out at not only me, but all American males who prefer American macro-brewed beers in general. Now you’re doing exactly what you claimed I had been doing, being a bigot. My job here is done.

FYI…I sent a “bridge the gap” email that I usually send to people to shut them up, but I stopped talking to the ass. I haven’t really even been to the site again. I prefer wine to beer. It’s not that I don’t like beer, it’s that it bothers my ulcer whereas wine does not. Besides, wine is the thinking man’s beer (take that, TAR!).