The club

We are Sunderland

Making steady, incremental, season-on-season improvement. Moderate, sensible progress without getting carried away. There's no need to go getting all excited. Not even when you get a stuffing at St James' Park.

Bonus culture or EU bailout?

Bankrolled by the Texan millionaire Ellis Short, Sunderland have an apparently endless supply of cash. Despite being an ex-footballer – or maybe because of it – the chairman Niall Quinn takes a cautious approach to wages, while acknowledging that sometimes the club will have to pay slightly over the odds to lure players to an area that is so much less fashionable than, erm, Cheshire.

They'd bite your hand off if you offered them …

A place among those teams who aren't quite one of the big four but are definitely part of that little group of teams just below the big four and with some shrewd investment, canny management and a bit of luck could squeeze into a Champions League spot once every decade or so.

Reality check

After a bright start, a disastrous run sees them slip out of contention for a Europa League slot and a glamour tie against Amica Wronki. Yet another season in which they "establish themselves as a Premier League fixture". Ah, the romance of consolidation.

What the fans sing

I Can't Help Falling In Love With You (Elvis Presley)

What the fans should sing

Mancunian Way (Take That)

One to follow on Twitter

The players

This is England

Kieran Richardson has eight full caps, while Michael Turner was championed as an England centre-back of the future during his days at Hull – sadly nobody listened. Wes Brown has 23 caps but recently announced his international retirement, to the disappointment of practically no one.

Overseas aid

Asamoah Gyan hit the net 10 times last season despite missing chunks of it with injury. He's also the only Sunderland player ever to pick up a prize at the Ghana Music Awards Stéphane Sessègnon scored three in five at the end of last season, prompting his manager to rename him "Little Drogba".

Heart and soul or captain caveman?

Club captain is Teesside midfield madman Lee Cattermole. Aged just 23 Cattermole has picked up a splendid 48 yellow and five red cards in his Premier League career and recently had his Pubwatch ban in certain sectors of the north-east extended by 12 months.

Teenage kicks

Midfield battler Jack Colback made his Premier League debut towards the end of last season. Had a couple of impressive spells on loan at Ipswich where Roy Keane described him as "tenacious and capable of dealing with the ball".

Mad, bad and dangerous to know

Anton Ferdinand may not have his elder brother's footballing skills but he has shown an equal capacity to be drawn into silly stunts. Highlight so far was the court case revolving round his attempt to fend off a man he thought was trying to steal his £64,000 watch.

The manager

Paid the cost to be the boss

Steve Bruce has found it harder to find silverware as a manager than a player, despite having coached six clubs. Attempts to establish a second career as the author of football-related crime novels or as a TV pundit have so far come to nought, the latter despite his eye-catching award of man of the match to England's David Beckham after a 30-minute substitute appearance.

Clogger or tiki-taka?

Bruce avoids "tactical anarchy" in favour of the good, old-fashioned "it's not rocket science" approach. When he plays with a lone striker it's not a means of deploying an array of creatives "in the hole", but of clogging up the midfield away from home.

On his to-do list

Getting the best out of the talented but wayward Gyan, while proving that high-price starlet Connor Wickham isn't the new Chris Kiwomya.

The advice Sepp Blatter might give to your club

"Cheeky swine, they sign Wesley Brown. When he tackles English gutter press write 'Brown envelops'. They giggle and think I don't recognise a conspiracy when I see one. Yes, I'm young and vigorous but wasn't born yesterday."