your silence will not protect you

Peanuts and Chocolate

Hello, everyone, hope you all are doing well and you have been having a good new year so far.

My new year has been pretty incredible. I came out to some of my friends and my sister, I found out that the girl that I have been crushing on likes me back (we’ve been talking nonstop for almost three weeks now, it’s been established that we like each other…) and…oh yeah! I went on a date with her! Yesterday, January 20, I had my first official date with anyone, and my first date with her…it was amazing. I’m still in shock that she likes me back, that she has liked me since I started working in July, that we went on a date and that she had a nice time and wants to see me again, that most of her friends know about me and her best friend wants to meet me…it’s all crazy exciting and overwhelming.

Anyway…I have intended to write everyday in 2014, but that didn’t happen once I started talking to her. I was too happy to write, or too…I just couldn’t write.

But I do want to catalog (mostly for me) all that happened between me and her for the past two weeks so…I transferred the texts I sent to my cousin about all my problems/concerns/events onto here because I don’t feel like typing it all again lol. The following texts are only my half of the textversation (texting conversation).

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I would prefer if this stays between u and me…but uh…okay so u need to know some background info…I’m not completely straight. I like girls. I’m not lesbian I’m not bi I choose not to identify as anything right now. I spent a lot of years coming to terms with the fact that I like girls and now that I finally have, I don’t feel like stressing about labels. Okay so…my sister and a few friends know btw…I haven’t told anyone else but it’s not a secret I’m tired of keeping secrets. Altho I’m keeping it a secret from my parents right now but uh…okay new text!

Lol okay thank u haha um…okay so I’ve had a huge crush on my boss for a few months. She wasn’t originally my boss, she was my coworker. She cooked in the back and I worked in the front. We never talked but I didn’t talk to many people anyway I’m shy and idk…I felt like an outsider. It wasn’t until she became one of the three bosses that I have and I got to know her that I began to like her a lot…that was in October or so…so…well..even when she was my boss we didn’t talk about stuff other than work. She’s friends with like everyone at my job cuz she’s been there for a few years. She’s 21 btw.
Last Saturday I got there really early and we talked about music for a few minutes and I got so excited that we had talked for like the first time ever that I decided to make her a mix cd just to like…continue our bonding and stuff. I still felt like an outsider at work at that point and aside from the fact that I liked her, I thought it would be nice to at least befriend her.
I was gonna go out to my job on Tuesday during school with my friend for lunch so I texted my boss if she was gonna be there in the morning cuz then I can give her the cd instead of waiting to give it to her on Saturday (I only work weekends)
After that…well we’ve been texting nonstop and we hung out last Monday [Jan 13] when I had open campus. apparently she has liked me since I started working there and she’s shy too…so uh…well…Monday [Jan 20] were going on an official date. And…okay here’s where all the issues come in. New text!

I told my sister about Janice* (that’s her name) and she disapproves of it all cuz even if she wasn’t one of my bosses, I work with her and it could get very awkward. So my sister doesn’t know about how Monday is an official date…and…neither do my parents obviously. I told them I was going to the mall with Janice (but I said she was my coworker) and originally we were gonna go to the mall but now were just gonna go eat dinner…so…the thing is is that I don’t wanna keep secrets they give me nightmares and…ugh so…I wanna tell my parents that I like girls and that I’m seeing a girl now…but that’s a double whammy…then if they find out she’s my boss…that’d be bad. And I’m scared that they’ll dislike her cuz she’s 21…cuz she dropped out of college…cuz…cuz she’s a girl and not a dude so…idk…I really don’t wanna keep it a secret but if I come out to them and the whole thing then I’m scared that once they get over the sexuality thing, they won’t even like her as a person…
I figured I would tell them after midterms (I have midterms now) and if Janice* and I are still seeing each other then I’ll mention her to them…but idk it’s weird and..another text sorry there’s a lot lol

I was gonna stop talking to her last week cuz when we went out on Monday I found out that she smokes pot on occasion. Apparently she used to smoke everyday but now it’s just socially…and a year ago I wouldn’t have minded but now I wanna stay away from that stuff as far as possible. [The college I’m attending next fall] gave me a scholarship (yay!) and I don’t wanna screw that up and I also hate how weed affects a person’ personality and attitude and such… she said she would quit. I didn’t like that cuz if she quits on account of me, she’ll come to hate and resent me for making her change or whatever. She said that she has been meaning to quit anyway and that her twin sister (they’re like tegan and Sara it’s cute, and they love tegan and Sara lol) has wanted her to quit too so…she promised she would quit and we talked a lot about it and ugh…I mean she’s been really honest about everything so far…then again, potheads are really good liars but…idk I was just gonna hang out with her a few times to see if I can trust her…she said she would take a drug test but that makes me uncomfortable…idk…I’m not sure if I’m making any sense right now…she was a pothead now she smokes once in awhile with her friends (not all of them are potheads) and…she said she would quit. And I chose to trust her and to see how it goes…except that was before Monday became an official date so now I guess I’m kinda dating her…do u have anything to say cuz I’m really confused right now lol

That’s how I feel like my parents will react “u can do better and she’s a bad influence anyway” but idk…I’ve liked her for months and she has a great personality and we have similar interests…i think it’s harder to tell if someone is straight since society is dominantly heterosexual…but gay people still find other gay people somehow. College also…ugh like I never wanted to be in a relationship and go to college I kinda wanna be single and just focus on myself but at the same time, I’m still home and I like her so I feel like…why not just enjoy the time we have to together now.
Idk how my parents would feel either…that’s what’s stressing me out cuz I wanna tell them but then I would have to say that she’s my boss…she smokes cigarettes too…
whether I decide she’s worth all the risks now or later I’m still in a shitty situation cuz she likes me and she knows I like her so…at this point whatever I do will be awkward. If I end up dating her, it’ll be a huge risk to tell my parents. If I don’t date her, well she’s my boss and it’ll suck working with her now.
Meh…I’ve been wanting to get a new job anyway cuz I was feeling miserable at my job cuz I feel like an outsider and my job is also physically exhausting but I don’t feel like looking for a job right now I have other stuff going on. So I would have to look in the summer. It’s hard to find jobs in the summer. And let’s say I do get another job and I am dating her, I don’t think my parents would approve of her much and if I get a new job and don’t date her…well that’s the safest route.
Idk what I’m doing right now tbh I just like her and I wanna get to know her better and I wanna tell my parents I like girls. Maybe I won’t mention her for awhile…unless we get serious or something.
She reminds me of Jess from Gilmore girls. he’s kinda similar to her I think…except she’s respectful and kind and a hard worker.

I have told her about my concerns and she was all optimistic and she wants to get to know me and to see where things lead…yeah good idea…one thing at a time…that’s gonna suck telling them tho. I’m not so worried about telling my mom, she has asked me if I was questioning my sexuality a few years ago and she’s more comfortable with sexuality stuff. She has gay relatives and such but my dad…I’m terrified to tell him. I don’t think he’d hate me but I doubt he’s gonna congratulate me on coming to terms with myself and thank me for being honest with them lol
I won’t smoke anything, don’t worry lol
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So that is most of what has happened until last night when we went out on a date. I think I will write about that in a different post because this one is kinda long…I’ll post it tomorrow I think.

Goad things went well on the date. As far as pot smoking goes, I think it depends on whether someone has an addictive personality. I have friends who use, most for medical reasons, and I think it’s like a person who consumes alcohol. Some can have a couple drinks a week and they’re okay others drink until they’re drunk several times a week which is worse than casual pot use. So, you are right to be concerned. I would just ask, is her use interfering with work, social life, etc.? If it isn’t then it may not be a problem.

she was smoking socially but i personally don’t like pot and i don’t want to be around it since it’s still illegal in nj and i don’t want to get caught associated with someone that has it on them or whatever, but thank you for your insight/advice/opinion xx