Not Posting For Two Weeks

Despite my stomach trying to destroy my existence this week, I will not be posting anything until August 14th, which is the day I have to leave for college :O I figured I’d have something exciting to say about that. For now, though, I need to start getting all my belongings together and get prepared for my first year. I’m both scared and . . . .scared. . .I’m excited to actually study and get homework, though XD which is weird, for once in my life I want homework to fill the void of other things. I know once I have it, I can kind of drown myself in it and not think about anything else. I really need something like that right now. The first thing I’ll probably do when I get on campus is look for a job but I feel like that’s the second most important thing right now. If I can just drench myself in work, I feel like my worries and anything else that’s bothering won’t have room to make an impact anymore. I’ll be completely submerged in my work and, at the moment, that’s all I want. Eventually, it’ll get hard and I’ll want to think of anything besides that, but that will only be for a short while. Honestly, I’ve broken to a point where I’d like to just start fresh like that. If college is a place to both start ‘a new’ and gain higher education, I can’t think of any other way to do that, but to suffocate in work and school. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so unhappy all the time if I had more things to focus on than just my family. I love my family, but things haven’t been fantastic and I’m at a point where I’m on my knees for one side and I’m looking at the other side as if I’ve never seen it before. I think maybe I either didn’t want to see that side or I just subconsciously ignored it. . . . .I want to dislike that side, but I can’t. Both sides have fault with each other and I can’t combat that. They both lack in certain areas, neither of them can compensate for what they truly seek in one another. I can’t hate either one, I love them too much to hate either of them. I think I’m just confused. I’m a child and I’m trying to understand something that’s not mine, but if it’s not mine, why do I feel like I’m such a large chunk of it? Like somehow I’ve been involved? I probably got way to personal with this, but only one person is reading, so I don’t feel completely self conscious.

I’m not saying I won’t enjoy the work or being somewhere ‘new’ for a change. In fact, I will enjoy both studying and working because at least I know I finally have something to fill some voids that I can’t right now while I’m home. I just hope that I have enough work to really keep my mnd off of things.

i know, i understood your post, i just mean you can enjoy more than work and studying. You’re on the path to learning to live differently and to see something else in your life than just focusing on your problems or things that make you feel bad. if you exit a cage to enter a new one you build yourself, where is the point? stop putting fences around your mind. work and studies are good and very important but don’t forget to open your eyes to the world or you’ll miss a lot of wonderful things.

I understand what you’re saying. With my parents (or more of my dad) trying to send me off without me worrying about the old and the really really new problems we have been and still are dealing with, I just felt like the amount of work that I knew I would have to deal with in school would prevent me from having to think about all that stuff, which is what my dad had wanted anyway. You’re right, I shouldn’t really do that to myself and I should see more of what’s around me to create new experiences. I just feel like, at the moment, all I can think about is those two things to at least make myself seemingly excited about school. I’m glad I get to go, I just don’t want to leave home not knowing what’s going to happen to my family, and maybe that’s why I feel that way. I’m not sure.