Thursday, 3 May 2012

<> Did you sing, Always look on the bright side of
life, when you where in the army?

That is the type of song soldiers would sing but it was
released after I was in the army, so although it is a song that soldiers are
likely to sing we did not sing it when I was in the Army.

<> What did you sing?

Well that’s interesting because a lot of people ask me that
question and depending on who is asking will depend on my response. I will sing you a song but before I do I
will explain. If I sing this song to
working class people I normally get a laugh but it’s different with middle
class lefties. If I sing them the song
without any explanation they nearly always respond by saying something like,
that’s a terrible song for soldiers to be singing but if I explain who sang it
before or after singing it, normally after singing it, they smile and say, oh
that’s funny.

<> So who sang it?

Two comedians who went by the name Derek & Clive, they
would get pissed together and put the tape on to record their conversation and
you where able to buy them on cassette.
But Derek & Clive where in fact Peter Cook and Dudley Moore.

And if you don’t tell middle class lefties this they say,
that is a terrible song for soldiers to be singing but once you explain they
say, oh yes that’s a lot of fun.
Soldier’s song bad, a Peter Cook and Dudley Moore song good.

<> So what’s the song?

Well if you wait for me to clear my throat I will give you a
rendition. And it goes something like
this:

Jump

You fucker jump

Into this here blanket we are holding

And you will be all right

He jumped

He hit the deck

He broke his fucking neck

There was no blanket

Laugh

We nearly shat

Never laugh so much since Grandma died

Or auntie Mabel caught her left tit in the mangle

HA, HA, HA

HA, HA, HA

Auntie Mabel

<> What’s a mangle?

I get asked that often, do you believe it, young kids today
do not know what a mangle is. It was a
heavy metal contraption

<> Like Iron Maiden?

That is glam rock in comparison.

<> Ha, ha, ha

No a mangle stood on a metal frame and at the top there were
two rubber tubes, you placed wet cloths in between the tubes and turned a
handle at the side and by doing so you got the water out of your washing before
you placed it on the line. Young kids today, I don’t know, got it too easy.

<> What other things were different?

Well for a start nee bastard had a telephone.

<> A mobile?

Mobile my arse, they had not been invented. In Pennywell there was a lass at the end of
our street had a phone in the house.

<> What type?

The type that are known as landlines these days, there might
have been others in Pennywell with phones but she was the only person that I
knew that had one and not one of my mates had one.

Shit I never got one till 1986

<> How do you remember the date?

It was the same year we moved house, it was already in the
house, and we thought should we keep it or should we take it out. In the end we kept it in. It was red with a circular dialler. I’d be standing there on the phone like
fucking Ronny Raygun.

<> Ha, ha, ha

Ha, ha, ha

<> Who is Ronny Raygun?

A cowboy with Nuclear Bombs instead of six-shooters, the
President of America.

<> The President of America?

So why do you call him a cowboy?

Because before he became President he acted in a lot of
cowboy films.

<> You’re joking.

No but a lot of people thought he was.

<> Ha, ha, ha

Ha, ha, ha

Let’s shake ye hand mate

Card hands warm heart

Aye so they say, but my doctor reckons bad circulation might soon part

<> Ha, ha, ha

Original Photograph of Auntie Mabel can be found at the address
below:

Sunday, 22 April 2012

Well I can see that when you get older that you are going to
be a beautiful young lady and you will have beautiful hair.

Some people don’t like this colour.

I have to admit that not everyone suits red hair but one
thing for sure you suit that colour.

Are you Santa?

Ha, ha, ha, you have guessed.

Is your beard sometimes longer?

Well I let it grow longer in the winter because in keeps me
warm but this time of year I trim it so that I can be cooler.

Do you have anything for me?

Like a present or something?

Yes.

Well normally I have my swag bag with me but today I only
have my shoulder bag and there is not much in it, lets have a look, there’s my
tobacco and ah what’s this, my favourite aroma would you like to try it?

Yes please, what do they call it?

David Beckham, would you like me to spay some on your wrist
like your mam does when she is trying the testers in Debenhams?

Yes please.

There, now then what do you think, do you like it?

Oh yes.

Should I spray some on your neck?

Yes please.

A little on this side and a little on that, now you smell as
sweet as you look.

Ha, ha, ha, If it were a boy’s name it would be spelt s o n
but I am thinking of the sun in the sky which is spelt s u n. Have you ever seen the sun come up in the
morning over the sea at Roker?

No.

Well it is a wonderful sight to see, the sky is often filled
with different colours, sometimes it is pink but often it is golden orange with
brown here and there and it looks beautiful, just like your hair.

Donkin’s

Blind laneSilksworthSunderland
SR3 1AU

<>

Donkin’s near Silksworth War Memorial

For more information on SunderlandSoldiers follow the link
below and remember to click on the Older Post link at the bottom of each page.

Aye all reet, as lang as ye say, what’s that? to the first two regardless of if you know them or not.

OK

A scelf

What’s a scelf?

It’s a spelk

What’s a spelk?

It’s a fucking splinter

Ha, ha, ha

Fucking great init, when I used ta drink with the Jocks the more I drank the more I sounded like them. Ye knar what I was reading that Sunderland has the record of being the heavies drinkers in the country. Image ye t-shirt, reet across ye chist, Get Pissed And Become A Mackem.

North-East town suffers most deaths linked directly to alcohol

Sunderland suffers the most deaths linked directly to alcohol in England and Wales, new figures have revealed, with genteel Bournemouth not far behind.

The North-East city was top of the risk list, with alcohol killing 36 people in 2010, a report from the Office for National Statistics showed.

Bournemouth was the only place from the South to feature in the ten worst places, exposing a sharp national divide between North and South.

The figures were split into Parliamentary constituencies. Bootle in Liverpool was second in the list with 35 deaths, followed by St Helens South in Merseyside with 32 deaths.

Devizes, Wiltshire, had the least amount of deaths with two.

Julie Elliot, MP for Sunderland Central, said: “These are extremely frightening statistics and are evident of the economic disadvantages that Sunderland and the North-East are facing.

"Tackling alcohol abuse and related deaths must become a key public health priority.”

Colin Shevills, Director of Balance, and Alcohol Awareness Group, said: "There is no question that alcohol misuse is having a devastating impact across not just the North East, but the whole of England.

"This is because alcohol is far too cheap, far too widely available at too many hours of the day and far too heavily promoted. The Government has an ideal opportunity to turn back the tide of alcohol misuse by presenting a strong alcohol strategy later this year.”

The figures were based on deaths attributable to alcohol poisoning, chronic liver disease and cirrhosis, and excluded diseases linked to drink such as liver and mouth cancer.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Beautiful Lies

A Listen & Read Exercise﻿

The problem is that many people are not interested in the truth, tell them the truth and they seem to take it onboard but before long they connect back to the collective brain and then they are back to believing the lie again.

It’s a pain

But thank fuck

There is a gain

They are dedicated followers of fashion

With lots of false passion

Communist has been

Such

Fascists also seen

Much

The world is green

Touch

And animals bite

It’s their right

The cage

The hutch

The box

On your head

Till dead

Ye totalitarian shit face

Wake up

It is a beautiful place

<>

An easy example is The Salvation Army. I used to ask an old Sgt. Major in the Salvation Army why he did not drink alcohol & he would reply because it’s Biblical. Come on, I would say, it’s not biblical, it tells you in the Bible to drink one or two glasses of wine a day for your good health so not drinking alcohol is not Biblical. The fact is William Booth the founder of the Salvation Army chose to work with the poor and that included alcoholics and it was felt best for members of the Salvation Army not to drink alcohol so that alcoholics would not smell it on their breath and then possibly want to have a drink themselves. That is the real reason but ask anyone from the Salvation Army why they do not drink and you will get a response that comes from the collective brain. Tell them the truth and they will take it onboard but soon after they are back to believing what the group want them to believe.

<> What other examples are there?

Another easy one is that on the left there are MPs that are commonly known as pacifist even though some of those MPs are known to have voted for the Iraq War. It makes on difference at all pointing out the fact that they voted for war to such people because you bump into the same people a few weeks later and they are back to telling you the MPs are pacifists.

This might sound unbelievable to some people but there is an English saying that is not meant to be believed literally but there are people who literally believe it.

<> What’s that?

If you tell a lie often enough it becomes the truth. The fact is a lie is a lie no matter how often you repeat it. It would be closer to the truth to say; if you tell a lie often enough it is perceived as the truth. The Collective Brain plays about with people’s beliefs so that the belief becomes more important to believers than the truth.

<> Can you give an example?

In the past I have spoken to a number of history teachers and I have asked them a particular question that many people think they know the answer to. The answer is so commonly known that even though it is a lie I could ask you that same question and even though I am telling you the answer is a lie you are likely to disregard what I am saying and give me the answer which is a lie.

<> What is it?

What was the average age of the American soldiers killed in Viet Nam?

<> 19

There you go, without hesitation even though I told you it is a lie you did not hesitate because you have heard that lie so often that you believe it is the truth.

<> But it is the truth everyone knows the average age was 19.

No you’re wrong, everyone or at least a lot of people have heard a shit record called 19. It has been a while since I researched such details so I cannot remember the actual average age but it was somewhere between 23 & a half and 24 & a half. But twen – twen – twenty – thre – thre – three – an – an –and – a – a – ha – ha – half, did not fit, so they just plumped for 19 instead even though the statistics where available at the time. Check it out, the Internet is great?

What is strange is that many of those who repeat a lie actually know the lie is a lie and it is so funny when you point out the truth because there are a number of reactions. Depending on the subject some Christians laugh but hit them with something deep baby and they jerk their head back with a wide eyed shock, which is kind of cool coz the truth of God when it dawns is so beautiful to see. The left normally find truth amusing and they are among those who give the impression that they are willing to change. With Fascists it’s as if the fucking wires are hanging out of their fucking head. People reacted in different ways to truth they do not want to hear but when ye hit a Christian with the truth shit man it is so cool.

<> Give an example

Well different Christian groups adopt different messages from the Bible. The Salvation Army attempt to help the poor. The Jehovah’s Witness attempt to evangelise.

<> Are the Jehovah’s Witness Christians?

Well I have attended a number of different churches to attempt to understand how different Christians differ. I went along to the Jehovah’s Witness in Sunderland for about 4 month, I told them I just wanted to try and understand a little and that I had no intention of becoming a Jehovah’s Witness. I am no expert but they definitely seemed like Christians to me. They were the only Christian group persecuted by Hitler because they refused to follow him.

<> And what message of the Bible is the best do you think?

Well there is a message in the Bible that is important personally to me because believe it or not when I read it I felt as if God was actually speaking to me. It has been a very important message in my life so important that really I should be able to recite it but I cannot. Basically it says that you should question in an attempt to get your own understanding because if you allow others to tell you what they believe they could be wrong. Once you take onboard such a message it changes your life because you do not only seek out the truth of the Lord but you do it with everything.

<> What truths have you found from the Bible?

Ha, ha, ha

Christian truths

<> What do you mean?

If you do not believe

You do not believe

And so to you

They are not the truth

<> I want the truth

Look and ye shall find

<> I am Christian

Are you?

Dear God Amanda

You are my sister

<> Why sister?

Isn’t it a beautiful word, sister I love that word, a word that describes a female relative, a senior nurse and some of the most beautiful people in the world, nuns.

<> Why are they beautiful?

Because they dedicate their life to Christ and it is also a word occasionally used by Christians to address female members of a congregation and you are now my sister. Sister.

<> And are you my bother?

If you want me to be

But I prefer Geordie

<> Do you understand how some people might find it difficult to come to terms with a person who is a Christian who lives a lifestyle like yours?

Ha, ha, ha

That’s why I stopped going to church

I didn’t want to embarrass the congregation

With the content of my Blog

Ha, ha, ha

Do I swear a lot?

Do I say bastard a lot?

And fuck

Ha, ha, ha

Often

<> Well yes

Ha, ha, ha

An artist has to take the material available to him. David Cameron claimed we have a sick society and we do. There are bastards out there who would take not a bite of notice if I spoke like some soft-spoken priest. They use a particular language and I know the bastard better than them.

<> What is that bastard?

In this case the word bastard is in reference to the word language

In the Army everything is a bastard

Sergeant Major bastards

Officer bastards

NCO bastards

Cookhouse bastards

Guardhouse bastards

Bastard boots

Bastard uniform

Even your nickname

The lads would say

All right there ye Geordie bastard?

And I would reply

All reet there Scouse bastard?

We even had lessons on how to use the word fuck

<> Lessons?

Yeah

There is a saying in the British Army that has nothing at all to do about sex

<> What is it?

A good fuck is better than a laced up boot

<> What does it mean?

You have to know how to use the word fuck when warning people

Use the word fuck well

Which is the first part

A good fuck

Is better than a laced up boot

It sounds very aggressive but if you do it correctly it results in less violence

<> How?

Because you give the warning

They heed the warning

And subsequently you do not have to kick them

You do not have to use the laced up boot

<> And if they took no notice you would kick them?

Not necessarily

<> So what would you do?

Whatever was necessary to put the bastards down

<> Give me an example

Of what?

<> A warning

Ha, ha, ha

To understand that you have to understand your fuck face

<> What’s that?

You have to practise your fuck face

That is the most aggressive grimace you can pull

<> And you practice such?

Yes

In the morning

All the lads waiting to go to Northern Ireland would be pulling their fuck face in the mirror between cleaning their teeth and having a shave

The British Army

Tough as fuck

Then on parade

Our sergeant would get us to practice on each other

It was so funny

Some of the young lads where fucking useless

Ha, ha, ha

I’d be laughing and saying, ha, ha, ha, is that supposed ta be ye fuck face

There was one big bastard in the squadron called Yogi

<> Yogi?

Like the bear

<> The bear?

Yogi bear the cartoon character

<> So why did they call him Yogi?

Because he was like a fucking great big bear

A right big hard bastard

And sometimes we would say, Yogi show them ye funny face

<> And who would he show his funny face to?

People we might be having some kind of low-key trouble with

<> Why show his funny face?

Because it was really funny

And every fucker would be laughing

Then we would say

Yogi now show them ye fuck face

And the reaction was immediate

One second they would be laughing

And honest

The next second

They would be running like fuck

So do you want to see my fuck face warning combination?

<> Go on then

Wait till I get into it

Ha, ha, ha

Wait a second

I’ll pretend I have my rifle

Ye ready?

<> Yeah

OK

Get off the fucking streets bastard or I will stick this barrel right up ye fucking arse

<> Dear Lord

And would you do that?

What?

<> What you said about the barrel

Ha, ha, ha

That’s just an idle threat

<> So what would happen?

More often than not they would shift sharpish

Sounds and looks very violent

But it is in fact an attempt to reduce violence

Because ye don’t have to use the laced up boot

<> And if they take no notice

What did you do than?

You knocked the bastards out

How?

In whatever method is appropriate

<> How?

We were all trained in unarmed combat

And in methods of how to use your weapon as a bludgeon

<> What weapon?

The SLR

Self-Loading Rifle

<> And did you knock anyone out?

A few

<> Who?

Shit

Here we go

Mostly Catholics

But we did have a little trouble with a few Protestant

So we put them bastards out as well

Now leave it there

<> And the fascists come after you in Sunderland?

Yeah

<> Why?

It’s complex

A long story

It’s not the time or place

Shit

Went off on a tangent while talking about something to do with Christianity

What the fuck were we talking about?

<> Truth

Truth?

<> You tell the truth don’t you?

Is that a question or a statement?

Ha, ha, ha

It’s a statement

<> Shit

You’re cool sister

<> So would you fuck me?

Dear Lord God above

PAUSE:

What is it with you fucking woman?

<> Would you?

Get fucked

<> I understand

Understand what?

<> I understand

Well understand this

Stop saying, will you fuck me

Would you make love to me?

Ha, ha, ha

PAUSE:

Yes

<> Could you satisfy me?

Fucking woman

Could you fucking satisfy me?

<> I asked first

You will never know if ye don’t try

Now what the fuck were we talking about?

Coz this shit does not interest me

Find some boring bastard who will talk to you all day about football

<> Temper, temper

Ha, ha, ha

I cannot quite figure you out
You are beautiful

<> What do you like about me most?

You’re so vain

You probably think this song is about you

Don’t you

Don’t you

Stupid song that one

Who sang that bastard?

By the way

I love your eyes

<> Ha, ha, ha

Why is it a stupid song?

Because she is actually singing about a person she is pretending not to be singing about

<> How?

Well listen to this

You

That is the person she is singing about

Probably think this song is about

You!

Well it is about him

Stupid fucking woman

The you in the song is the person she is singing about

Did the Carpenters sing that?

<> Not sure

It’s fucking crap

And I have told you why

So don’t give me that, so why is it crap?

It’s crap because it’s crap

And that should be good enough

But in this case I have told you why

<> Would you marry me?

Look

Before we get round to dirty nappies

Is there any chance of maybe having a coffee one-day?

And possibly take things from there

Because before long you will have my head full of mortgages and shit

<> Would you?

Men and women speak a different language

Sounds the same

But it’s fucking not

<> Would you marry me?

Would you fuck off

<> Would you rather not be in my company?

It’s not that

I enjoy your company

But am I to believe you want to marry me?

When we hardly know each other

I do think

You’re beautiful

I would like to take your panties off

Yes I would

But leave the marriage bit out would ye?

<> So you would not consider it?

Shit are you still going on about it?

What after only being in your company a few times?

What happens if you pick your nose?

Possibly

Maybe

Eat it

Now to be fair I have not found out that yet

And I am not going to marry a snot eater

I don’t give a fuck how good looking you are

<> Ha, ha, ha

Have you got a big cock?

Why?

Have you got a big fanny?

And is that why ye need a big cock?

<> That’s offensive

Shit

Women

There’s ye cake

Gag on the bastard

Strange

You seem

Intelligent

<> And what’s strange about that?

Can I call you darling?

<> Is it appropriate?

Well it might have been

But I thought I would ask?

<> Why?

You might get offended again

<> Yes call me darling

If you want

<> You’re not a Catholic are you?

Ha, ha, ha

I’m not anything

<> Ah so your not a Christian

I am a Christian

But I do not go to church

Same, same

Would you like to go for a stroll in the park?

On some sunny Sunday afternoon

As an alternative

<> To what?

Getting down on your knees

After Sunday lunch

To check out the breeze

Though the trees

<> Ha, ha, ha

What do you think of women?

I love them

But present company excluded

There are a lot of empty-headed bastards about

We

You and I

Could put the world right

But

My darling

As I was saying earlier

You seem intelligent

But

You always bring the conversation down

<> And you don’t?

And you think I do because I swear?

<> Yeah

Ha, ha, ha

Well my darling

Don’t ask questions about the Army

Or anything about politics in general

And just sit there and twiddle ye fucking thumbs

<> Ha, ha, ha

Do you need to swear all the time?

I understand

It is a mode I have got into

It is a writing devise

I have conversations

At home

With different characters I have created

There is the deep voiced sergeant

He often says things I find funny

And when that happens I type it out

It’s strange

When I was in Belfast I could get the locals, when out for the rare drink in the UDR club to believe I was from Belfast.

I cannot do the Belfast accent as good now

But I always had to kick start the conversation

I could not speak it immediately

I always had to say

Dead on, it’s a cracker, first

I could not think it

I had to say it

And then I could do it

It is similar with the different characters I have created

I cannot think what they are saying

I have to say it out loud

I am a gentleman

I can be polite

I do prefer to speak in a more genteel manner

But I am forever trying to think of humorous ways of expressing myself

<> What if you were in the company of my friends?

They would probably, not defiantly, probably, know me, likely they would want a laugh and they would probably, not defiantly, probably, think some school teachers voice was not me. I can, with little effort cut the bad language out but apart form the characters, believe it or not I can and do hold audiences in pubs on occasion and people have a fucking good laugh and on such occasions it’s kind of like expected. Then there are all the political debates I get into with the right & left and the trouble I get into subsequently. And at the end of the day the bubble I live in rarely drifts into polite society.

<> OK you were telling me about truth

Was I?

<> Truths you found in the Bible

And

<> Let me hear it without any swearing

Ha, ha, ha

The first word that comes to mind rhymes with hit

<> Ha, ha, ha

Right

Where to start?

There are some Christians that think only those from their church go to heaven

<> What just the people in their church?

Yes and no

Possibly I should have said, there are some Christians that think the only people to go to heaven are those from the particular Christian denomination that they belong to.

<> Which Christian denominations think that?

The Catholics believe it, the Jehovah’s Witness believe it and I do believe there are others.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Well, I just got into town about an hour ago
Took a look around, see which way the wind blow

<>

<> Why did you want to be a soldier?

For a multitude of reasons

There is a lot of military in the family

I loved playing Japs & British

Strange the older kids played Germans & British

But us younger kids played mainly Japs & British

<> Were you ever a Jap?

Was I fuck

Do you think boys should play with toy guns?

<> Cannot stop them

<> How?

Well like me, they would just pick up a stick and pretend it was a Tommy gun

<> Do you like war?

Shit

My multicoloured world is far more complex than the black & white world you lefties want to place us in

Woman are strange

When you’re a stranger

When you’re a stranger

Woman are strange

<> Who sang that?

Shit I just did didn’t I?

Or is there an Echo in here

Echo

Echo

Read all about it

Man got kicked to death

By a legless chicken

<> Ha, ha, ha

Was that not a song by someone?

Jim Morrison & The Doors

But I changed it

He sang

People are strange

When you’re a stranger

When you’re a stranger

People are strange

<> Do you like the Doors?

Cue

Pissing down rain

Riders on the storm

<> But do you really like them?

Fucking lefty bastards somehow have got this idea that you can only be an intellectual if you’re from the left and so somehow certain things can only be appreciated by them. And the Doors are a band that always get you lot on ye high horse.

Oh

The Doors

The intellectual beat

The left love

A treat

I was listening to the Doors before you were a twinkle in the eye of your father

On the family Bush radio

And Wow it was

In those days

Different

My appreciation of that music has a much greater depth than you will ever be able to understand