Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Christmas Flashback/Flash Forward

The holidays always make me think of a million different things. Christmas used to be so magical in my house. It was actual magic. The way the tree went up, the way we painted the windows with window wax cleaner. The smell of evergreen in the house, the silver polished and china out as we dressed up for dinner. The luminarios that lined the driveway. The tiny, creepy dolls that decorated the table.Christmas is different now. A lot of the carrying on of tradition has fallen to me. Mom can't do it anymore, so I do it. And it's simpler than it used to be. The creepy dolls stay in their box. We don't dress for dinner. In fact, we tend to grab our plates, eat and scatter. It rarely seems to focus on family being together, but rather the rapid unwrapping of gifts (some thought out and some not) and then *poof*. All gone.Part of me wonders whether it's because we're all grown up. Part of me wonders if it's because I'm carrying on someone else's traditions. I had a conversation the other day with a friend about what our idea of Christmas was like. I don't know what my idea of Christmas is like, because I've never had it. I wondered what it would be like if I did Christmas my way.It would be simpler for one. The tree would probably still go up after Thanksgiving. The Charlie Brown lights would still go out. But I would want it to be about family and friends. I would want it to be about the people around me.I don't know if we'll ever have normal holidays again. I don't know if I'll ever have my own holidays.

I don't know if I won't always feel slightly disappointed in the holidays. In the friends that don't come to visit me. The magic that seems to be missing. In the fact that our family seems so small these days. In the gifts where I want to look at the person and ask "Do you know me?". Also, because it's the only time of year where we're all together anymore, the holidays for years have also been about drama, this year both more and less than usual. Hiding in the grotto is a wonderful thing. And yet it wasn't. I had peace and quiet. But I also think I wasn't really missed either. I spent the holidays ostracized both due to mono and the fact the I hadn't the energy to deal with Nehi and the cats upstairs. And I think that sums up a lot of my feelings lately- of wanting to have my own life, but still be seen as part of others. And I don't know what the balance is. I don't know if in our situation, there is a balance. So less drama. Which is good. But it also seems as though every year that goes by is a little less magical, a little less special. And I don't know if that's something I can fix. Add it to the long list of things I can't fix these days.I guess being who I am though, I will continue to make lists of the things I can fix and work on checking them off one thing at a time. Because that's the only way to keep on going.