Dream teams: Republican picks for 2012

Republican hopefuls are haunting the cornfields of Iowa, a little like an M. Night Shyamalan horror movie. They’re afraid to jump into the race, but dare to ask for money. At this rate, the first debate in South Carolina on May 5 will be between ghosts. So I have a few dream team suggestions for them. In no particular order, they are:

Michele Bachmann, R-Minn, and Donald Trump — An apprentice TV show could decide top dog and under dog, and then Trump could spend some of his money printing up bumper stickers with “Stupid and Sleazy” or “Sleazy and Stupid” depending on who came out ahead. While they blanket the corn fields, most voters would just try to avoid the hair and the ignorance of United States history.

Allen West, R-Fla., and Virginia Foxx, R-N.C. — Here we have our first combo of an African-American and female to appeal to the tiny number of minorities who would even consider voting Republican. While he takes away Social Security, she can eliminate public schools. Of course, only a totally ignorant voter would look at them twice, but we have lots of those here in South Carolina, so who knows.

Herman Cain (Tea party guy ) and Sharron Angle, R-Nev. — This is our second multiracial, two-gendered offering. He hates women and she loves guns, so the shootout at the Iowa corral could be their main attraction. Whoever wins gets to write the platform, and see how they can make people suffer.

Paul Ryan, R-Wis., and Darrell Issa, R-Calif. — Ryan could read “Atlas Shrugged” in public to his followers while Issa grabs a getaway car. He had practice as a teenager before he got rich from oil. When the tomatoes start to fly they could flee to the Black Hills of South Dakota. Hopefully never to be heard from again.

Newt Gingrich and Mike Huckabee — I can just see these two in a Burr-Hamilton type of duel to prove who loves his country more passionately. Whoever wins gets to set the agenda. Newt can advocate extra marital sex and Mike can clutch his Bible. God or women? Most male voters would have a hard time deciding, I bet.

Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty — Here are the only two with a few drops of sanity. But they are so afraid of the crazies they are hiding in the wings, perhaps hoping to be drafted. Also they both come with so much baggage it would probably weigh them down. Romney not only has to overcome being a Mormon, but also the governor who loved government-sponsored health care in Massachusetts, until he hated it a few years later. Pawlenty proudly took the great state of Minnesota into a government shutdown in 2005, and now speaks about invading many countries, beginning with Syria. And neither of these two has any charisma. In fact they are about as appealing as a dried raisin.

Whatever the dream team, none of them can come close to the only adult in the room, our President Barack Obama, the one with the courage to announce that he is running.