Review: Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Just as the summer was starting to wind down on what is turning out to be quite probably the worst cinematic year in history, one film came along to save the year and brighten our lives: Snakes on a Plane. After seeing the film last night, I realized an ordinary review would not cut it. SoaP is full of deep human insights and lessons for life, some of which I have decided to list here in honor of the film:

10. Never smoke pot while having sex in an airplane lavatory. In order to smoke pot, one needs to disengage the fire alarm sensor, which is a Class Something Felony. SoaP teaches us that taking out the alarm is wrong by showing us the possible consequences. By opening up a hole in the ceiling, the pot-smoking couple allows snakes to prey on them in the midst of what would otherwise be an enjoyable escapade in the mile-high club.

9. When you see a murder committed by a famous Asian mobster, don't rev up your motorcycle to let him know you saw it. This is just common sense. If you are going to watch a murder, try to be quiet about it. Otherwise you just might find yourself on a plane full of poisonous snakes.

8. Know the basic survival technique of sucking blood from another person's body. You never know when a person might be bitten by a rattlesnake and need you to suck that blood right out.

7. If you vacation in Hawaii, don't wear leis. They could be contaminated with pheromones designed to aggravate snakes into a biting fury. Best to avoid them altogether. Remember: leis are probably part of an underground mobster plot to take down a commercial plane. Don't trust those similing Hawaiian girls.

6. For the guys: Always watch where you pee. The toilet bowl is not always your friend. The white porcelein can give a false sense of security. You must not allow the ecstasy of relief to cause you to let your guard down.

5. If your co-pilot falls into a hole and dies, don't go in after him. There's a reason why planes have two pilots. If one dies, the other carries on. That's how these things are supposed to work.

4. Boycott sporks. They don't serve as sufficient weapons against orgiastic snakes in a claustrophobic airplane cabin. Always ask for real silverware. If the FAA says they might be used as weapons against other humans, take them to see SoaP. They will be convinced.

3. Allow your kids to be pyromaniacs. You never know when that kid of yours might be on an airplane and need to make a blowtorch out of everyday household items to ward off cobras hanging from the overhead compartments. It might happen.

2. Play those videogames. You just might be called upon to land a commeral airliner with engines going out, cabin air pressure destablized, and a tailwind throwing the plane off course. Finally, those 2000 hours of game time actually pay off.

Ours was less than half-full. The four of us who went to see it were hoping and expecting a large crowd. That would have made the movie experience much better. As it was, we had lots of screaming and laughing and clapping throughout, so that was still good. But I would definitely see it again with a huge crowd of people. That would be awesome.

Saw it on Saturday. I too was disappointed by the crowd, but not a bit disappointed by the film. I would trust Samuel L. Jackson with my life. Heck, we should elect him as President. You can be damn sure that if he decided to invade a third-world country, he would single-handely defeat the military, quell any upstart insurgencies, and creat a functioning democracratic system, all without breaking a sweat.

I am a husband, father, author, and speaker. I completed a PhD in theology at Princeton Theological Seminary. I am the author of The Mission of Demythologizing: Rudolf Bultmann's Dialectical Theology and The God Who Saves: A Dogmatic Sketch. You may find my academic profile and CV here.
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