Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Days after the independent Congressional Budget Office released its latest public debt projections, supporters of President Obama and his massive spending policies launched a campaign to repeal the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which prohibits involuntary servitude, so Americans can shoulder an even larger tax burden.

“The CBO report shows debt is now growing faster than gross domestic product,” said one campaign organizer. “That’s going to require dramatically higher taxes that will essentially make taxpayers indentured servants to the government, which is something the Thirteenth Amendment doesn’t allow.”

Each year, Americans have to devote about three-and-a-half months’ worth of earned income to pay mandatory government taxes, and they’re expected to have to pay much more than that in the future under current debt projections.

Rally participants waved signs saying “Support the Income Tax!” “Embrace the Debt!” and “It’s Not Involuntary Servitude If We Choose It!”

Supporters of the repeal said that since it usually takes about seven years to ratify a constitutional amendment, “we need to start the process right away, before the public debt taxpayers owe doubles by 2019.”

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Washington, D.C.--Democrats in Congress and President Obama forced swift action on a massive bill to dramatically increase energy costs in the face of what they called an “escalating skepticism crisis” regarding theories that claim human emissions are making the earth warmer.

“In Europe, Japan, and Australia, there is increasing doubt that drastic cuts in energy use are warranted, as the evidence of human-caused global warming proves lacking,” said Democrat Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “If we don’t enact draconian policies now, this window of misinformation might be closed forever.”

Proponents of the “cap and tax” legislation showed reporters a dire depiction of what could be “things to come” if misguided policies are not locked in place now: a lonely Al Gore, increasingly isolated on a twisted theory melting in the face of contrary empirical data.

As the earth’s temperature has flat-lined, even as concentrations of carbon dioxide increase, and research is contradicting what was previously claimed to be a consensus, Administration officials said “we must act now to increase energy costs based on extremely suspect environmental theories before those theories are completely refuted.”

Friday, June 26, 2009

Washington, D.C.--President Obama has tried to convince the world that releasing terrorist detainees held at Guantanamo Bay doesn't pose a security threat, so other countries might accept them. He has also tried to convince the world that draconian steps should be taken to increase energy costs so emissions he claims increase "global warming" can be reduced worldwide.

But those efforts have met resistance overseas because Americans -- increasingly skeptical of their value -- generally oppose the release of Guantanamo Bay detainees into their own communities and legislation taxing domestic energy consumption.

Today, President Obama used what some called "his inherent moral authority" to prod Americans in a "new direction" by urging Congress to start "setting a better example for other countries to follow" by passing “essential tooth fairy legislation.”

"How can we expect the rest of the world to join us in pursuing bold, new, and untested policies aimed at making the world a better place if we don't do the same here at home?" asked Obama. “That's why I'm calling on Congress to set a new tone by passing legislation requiring all Americans to remove some of their own teeth and place them under their pillows so the tooth fairy can pay us a visit and boost the world economy."

One Administration official added, "If we can get other countries to trust our commitment to the tooth fairy and similar concepts, we'll have a much better chance getting them to pursue other apparently counter-factual policies."

"Americans have always been dreamers," said Obama at the conclusion of his remarks. "Congress needs to live up to that heritage and immediately pass tooth fairy legislation."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Yesterday, President Obama, a longtime and current smoker, officially surrendered to the federal government on behalf of the American people by signing federal legislation regulating cigarettes and other tobacco products. The ceremony took place aboard the deck of the U.S.S. Illinois.

During the ceremony, Obama said, "I am the perfect example of why individuals cannot be expected to use their own abilities and resources to improve their own lives. And if I can't do it, who can? We must look to government for the coercion we need to help reach the result it deems best for us."

The surrender was witnessed by cabinet officials and hundreds of other federal bureaucrats.

"Like many Americans," said Obama, "I often can't be trusted to set a good example for my kids, let alone provide all the parenting necessary to help ensure they do the right thing. This surrender is not something I wanted. But it's something we need as a nation."

Observers said Obama seemed a bit tense by the conclusion of the ceremony, at which time he reached into his suit pocket and quickly ducked behind the nearest flight control tower.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Washington, D.C.--An overwhelmingly left-leaning press has always found it difficult to maintain the sort of distance from a Democratic President required for objective news coverage. But media insiders say the relationship between the media and the President is becoming “more complicated than ever” now that the White House press corps shares Obama’s teleprompter.

“When the media and the President share a common vision, it only makes sense that they share the same teleprompter feed,” said one media critic. “But we’ve seen too many instances where reporters and the President finish each other’s sentences.”

News producers admit that while being so close to the President makes it easier to make campaign donations, it does have its drawbacks.

For example, during a recent ABC News special that was broadcast from the White House and touted Obama’s health care plan, viewers watched as anchor Charlie Gibson uttered Obama’s trademark “uhm’s” and “er’s” while he and the President struggled to read from the same teleprompter screen. They eventually butted heads.

“It was an awkward moment,” said one studio technician. “It got even worse when Gibson seized the opportunity and gave the President a quick peck on the cheek.”

Media analysts acknowledged that a shared teleprompter raises some technical issues, but dismissed concerns based on journalism ethics.

“The media does its job when it reports the news accurately,” said one source. “And there’s no better way to ensure that’s done than by reading directly from the President’s teleprompter.”

Friday, June 19, 2009

As millions of Iranians took to the streets to oppose a theocratic dictatorship, President Obama remained silent for several days, then spoke only tepidly in opposition to the brutal government crackdown on protesters demanding a more democratic Iran.

In an initial statement, Obama said he supported the continued “dialogue” in Iran but wished to avoid “meddling” in its affairs. Roundly criticized by all sides of the political spectrum for such timid remarks in support of liberty and democratic principles, Obama said yesterday that he sent a “sterner” message to the Iranian regime from his personal Blackberry.

But foreign policy analysts immediately expressed concern with the message’s “heavy use of emoticons” that may “muddy the import of its meaning.”

The message, reproduced in the accompanying picture, states “Dear Supreme Leader (and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad)” and begins with “Let me take this opportunity to clarify my earlier remarks.”

“A promising beginning,” remarked one foreign policy expert, “but then you see the emoticon,” referring to the characters :-} indicating “embarrassed smile.”

The next sentence of the message, “I want you to know that I support the protesters,” is followed by the emoticon *-->-- which, according to experts, is the universally recognized “dozen roses” emoticon representing “abject apology.”

The email is signed “Your friend in denuclearization, Barack.”

When Iranian foreign officials were asked their reaction to the new “sterner” message, they said they had not yet seen it, and that “It probably got sent to the spam folder.”

Saturday, June 13, 2009

General Motors' most recent television ad, called "re: invention," was criticized by some for taking a timid and defensive approach to luring new customers. In the ad, a narrator states "Let's be completely honest ... General Motors needs to start over to get stronger" and refers to the company's bankruptcy proceedings. It does not, however, refer to the $50 billion in taxpayer money that was used to bail out the company to date.

In response, media insiders say GM is on the verge of releasing a new version of the ad which company officials say "is equally honest," but takes "a more direct, bottom-line approach" to convincing consumers they should buy a GM car.

This publication obtained an advance copy of the new ad, and readers can view it below.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Washington, D.C.--President Obama laid down a gauntlet last night, agreeing for the first time to a face-to-face televised debate with the various straw men he says have unfairly criticized his policies.

Following Obama’s explanation that the baseline for expected budget savings should be the costs of war efforts no one suggested funding, he opened yesterday’s debate by explaining how the fairness of his proposals should be measured against a phantom baseline of terrifying government policies no one’s ever proposed.

“Some say I acted unfairly by forcing auto company bondholders to accept equity stakes of just 9% while granting 20% to the unions whose overly generous wage and benefits programs helped drive the companies to bankruptcy,” said Obama. “But I think the American people will understand the choice I made was the only one consitent with our values, considering the alternative was making auto company stakeholders eat syringes.”

In a largely one-sided exchange of ideas, the straw men reiterated their usual arguments, saying “We should just to do nothing,” “We can address these issues with half-steps and piecemeal measures,” and “While our opponent chooses unity and hope, we support road rage and peach phobias."

Obama took the offensive to thunderous applause, stating “I reject the philosophy that says every problem can be solved if only the government flooded houses with molasses.”

Finally, the president offered an emphatic retort to end the debate. “No longer,” he said, “will we accept the notion that hate and fear can fulfill all our nation’s energy needs.”

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Afghanistan--After reversing a previous position in which he said terrorists should not be granted Miranda rights, President Obama took what national security experts say was the next logical step in his law enforcement approach to terrorism by authorizing defense lawyers to act as terrorists’ protective human shields.

Addressing reporters at a press conference to announce the new policy, Obama said “Under my Administration, we’ve already taken the step of advising terrorists of their right to remain silent and their right to consult an attorney. Today I build on that policy by announcing terrorists will have additional legal rights in the form of attorney human shields.”

Borrowing former Iraq dictator Saddam Hussein's strategy in which civilians were used to protect military targets from attack, Obama said he was adapting the tactic to “further the bedrock American principle that says everyone deserves a phalanx of lawyers.”

“The laws of war prohibit the targeting of civilians and don't afford captured enemy combatants the right to a lawyer,” said Obama. “If terrorists don’t follow the laws of war, we shouldn’t either. Hence, my policy of lawyers for terrorists.”

Administration officials added that the element of surprise is essential to winning the war on terror, and "the last thing terrorists will expect is that we’d surround them with civilian legal counsel."

When asked whether the new shield policy itself violated the laws of war, Administration officials said it did not, explaining that “technically, lawyers aren’t human.”

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Los Angeles, California.—CBS previewed the latest season of its popular “Survivor” television series to an audience of Los Angeles media critics yesterday.

The network announced that as a result of the Obama administration’s negotiations with the island of Palau – and $200 million in advertising paid for by the federal government -- contestants on “Survivor: Palau” include several former detainees released from Guantanamo Bay. The detainees are members of a Uighur ethnic group affiliated with a designated terrorist organization that seeks to establish a radical Islamic theocracy throughout South and Central Asia.

While some critics complained the contest was shaping up to be “a bit of a mismatch” -- pitting a college cheerleader and a travel agent against religious extremists who received military instruction at an al Qaeda-affiliated terrorist training camp – others praised the series as a “microcosmic experiment in facilitating global harmony.”

In the episode previewed, the former Guantanamo Bay detainees lose a coconut chopping contest, putting them at risk of elimination. “They kept sawing back and forth with the blade,” said one critic. “That seemed to really slow them down.”

The ex-detainees go on to win the next challenge, but are disqualified after hurling at their opponents the same noxious cocktail of feces and bodily fluids they threw at guards during a March, 2003, prison riot.

One critic, excitedly describing the show’s last segment, revealed that the ex-detainees announce their intention to protest the Tribal Council’s democratic procedures by detonating a plastic bottle filled with their own methane gas. Then, in yet another dramatic turn of events, the ex-detainees win immunity after the show’s producers interrogate them in an overly aggressive manner in an attempt to discover the bomb’s location.

Washington, D.C.--Earlier this year, the Obama Administration warned that if Congress failed to pass legislation allowing government control over large-scale taxpayer-funded spending projects, the unemployment rate would rise to 8.8% by this month. Congress enacted such legislation, but since then the unemployment rate has risen to 9.4%, indicating the $787 billion stimulus bill was not worth the cost.

Disappointed by his government’s failure to accurately predict the economic results of its own programs, President Obama rejected a return to capitalism and instead announced his appointment of yet another cabinet member.

“Although I’ve created a variety of ‘czars,’ from car czars to corporate payment czars,” Obama told reporters, “they haven’t been able to agree on how best to produce the jobs America needs. I need someone to manage inter-czar disputes, and who better to do that than the mystic Grigori Rasputin, famed psychic counselor to Czar Nicholas II.”

“Mr. Rasputin did an excellent job stemming the uncontrolled bleeding of the hemopheliac son of a Russian monarch,” said Obama, “and I’m confident he can also help stem massive job losses in the U.S. economy.”

While critics say no group of government regulators could ever reproduce the efficient allocation of jobs and resources that result from a free market in which millions of unique individuals engage in mutually beneficial and voluntary transactions, Obama predicted such critics would come around “once they gaze into Rasputin’s freaky deaky, all-seeing eyes.”

Insiders said Rasuptin has already discerned that Obama's policies have "saved" 150,000 jobs that would have otherwise been lost. When asked how the number of jobs "saved" could ever be verified, administration sources said the figure was derived from "macroeconomic estimates provided by the Ouija Board of Economic Statistics."

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Peking, China.--Language posed no barrier to the universal humor of government incompetence as Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner started his "World Tour of Comedy" yesterday in China. The tour is intended to assuage foreign governments' fears that their loans to the U.S. won’t be repaid.

Speaking to a capacity crowd at Peking University, Geithner donned his trademark sequin-covered leather jacket and upturned collar and regaled the audience with dozens of “bottom liners.”

“My staff told me our 2009 federal budget deficit was set to reach 13% of our gross domestic product,” he said. “13%! Can you believe it? I told them 13’s unlucky, so let’s make it 14% instead. D'oh!”

The Chinese finance minister was spotted doubled over in laughter as Geithner kept them coming.

“We were spending so much taxpayer money at Treasury we ran out of ways to use it. I started grinding it up and snorting it.”

Halfway through the performance, as the crowd's laughter turned nervous, Geithner tried to offer some reassurance.

“Hey, don’t worry,” he said. “We’re going to cut our deficit by reforming our health care system. Now you might ask how spending trillions for a new entitlement program will reduce concerns about the deficit? Well that’s just the money we’ll be spending on Prozac.”

Sensing the audience had begun to turn hostile, Geithner cut his performance short. As he ran off the stage, he could be heard yelling “Hey, I don’t pay all my taxes either!”

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Washington, D.C.--Earlier this year, President Obama selected a 31-year-old who had never run a business or set foot in an automotive assembly plant to oversee the dismantling of the General Motors auto company.

Today, Obama announced he had selected Sameer Gunturi, the winner of the 2009 National Spelling Bee, to spearhead his education reforms.

“Sameer can spell ‘staphylococci,’” said Obama, “so I’m confident he can spell ‘success’ for America's education system as well.”

Monday, June 1, 2009

Washington, D.C.--President Obama, who pledged during the campaign to keep his administration free of influence by lobbyists, has had to backtrack from that commitment after the White House takeover of General Motors made all federal government employees lobbyists for the auto company.

Now that the U.S. government owns GM and will simultaneously serve as its regulator, tax collector, customer, and lender, the entire federal workforce must now devote itself to helping ensure that government regulatory, tax, sales, and lending policies support the interests of its own bankrupt company. As one Treasury official said, “That requires a lot of lobbyists, so it’s all hands on the deck of the Titanic.”

Commerce Department employees will focus on lobbying for less stringent fuel efficiency standards that would help GM sell more of its most profitable full-size trucks and sports utility vehicles. At the same time, employees of the Environmental Protection Agency will lobby for stronger fuel efficiency standards. Treasury Department employees will lobby for rules that maximize the company’s chances of providing a better return on investments, while lobbyists at the Internal Revenue Service will seek changes that generate more taxes to prop up the failing company. The Office of the U.S. Trade Representative will lobby for more GM factories overseas, which the Labor Department will lobby against.

White House officials said the massive, cross-purpose lobbying effort would require extensive oversight, with press secretary Robert Gibbs telling reporters the President intends to appoint a “lobbying czar.”