Welcome to the first mock draft of the 2011 off-season. Once again we’ll be holding a weekly mock draft each Friday between now and the actual NFL draft during April’s final week. Now if you’re new to the site you should probably know that these mock drafts have absolutely nothing to do with football. Real mock drafts are worthless, so we do this to pass the time instead. Feeling left out? Worry not, you can play along in the comment section. Plus, during the time between the draft and the Hall of Fame Game we’ll be holding similar weekly drafts for the commenters.

We’ll start things off with a historically themed mock draft (see others here and here). Each of us will select historical figures we would want to follow on Twitter (ignoring things like language and technological barriers). The draft order is as follows.

Caveman
Punter
Ape
Maj
Drew
Flubby

Continue after the jump for the draft, then contribute your own picks in the comment section. Just remember to wait ten picks before selecting a second time, and feel free to include a sample tweet.

1. Caveman – Oscar Wilde

As much fun as it would be to say someone like John F. Kennedy, the reality is that JFK would be tweeting about ow-ah nation’s er uh politics — not banging Marilyn Monroe. So I’ll take Wilde’s wit condensed to 140 characters. BONUS: gay exploits!

2. Punter – Harry Truman

For the atomic bombings alone. Of course, he’d be perfect for it. He was the last US President to never attend college, he shot from the hip, and he had a daughter whose pics I wouldn’t mind checking out on yFrog. Of course, this would probably negate the whole “Dewey Defeats Truman” media snafu.

Plus, no gayness. Sorry, Ufford’s boner.

3. Ape – Benjamin Franklin

All the wit of Wilde, but less bitchiness and far more drunk tweets. Also, the whole lightning thing and founding of our government might be nice to observe in real time.

@PoorRichard HARF HARF BIG BEN INVENT BIFOCALS

4. Maj – Albert Einstein

I imagine he’d tweet all sorts of shit that would blow my mind. Even if I only understood a small portion of it. He also seems like a guy who knew how to talk to the ladies.

@RelativitySpeaking Hey, @RealFDR, let’s build this fucker! #BOOM

5. Drew – Richard Pryor

He’d be funny. He’d be going through some completely insane shit. And he’d be 100% honest. Pretty much everything I would want in a Twitter feed.

@RichardPryor FIRE! FIRE! DON’T LET IT GET TO THE BALLS!

6. Flubby – Alexander the Great

@alexthegr8 Feel like some baba ghanoush — off to Egypt BRB

7. Flubby – Leonardo da Vinci

@TheRealLeo Weary of being pigeonholed as ‘Renaissance Man’- working on horror story about guy with 4 arms & 4 legs

@NotJonSwift Hey poor people, if you’re so hungry why don’t you eat some of those kids you like making so much. http://bit.ly/2LcYom #lol

10. Ape – Genghis Khan

@YourDad Hello, followers. I’m Genghis Khan. You’ll go where I go! Defile what I defile! Eat who I eat!

@YourDad Just became mayor of #Asia on foursquare

11. Punter – Helen Keller

@adfsajkld: ccdmjci njuqw eqefwh8p9 sent via Hootsuite

12. Caveman – Dorothy Parker

Acidic wit, always getting drunk and sleeping around.

13. Caveman – Catherine the Great

Even though the horse legend is false, I like to think of her as Bree Olson if Bree Olson were in charge of an entire country.

@Gr8Cat Just pushed through education reform. NE1 near St. Petersburg have a horny stallion they want to get off?

14. Punter – Christopher Columbus

@chrisCrossTheATL HOLY SHIT FUCKING LAND! NO MORE SAWDUST FOR ME!

15. Ape – Nostradamus

A bunch of killjoy intellectuals maintain that every supposed prognostication that he’s made has been the result of a misinterpretation of his work, or a conclusion stretched so thin you could melt it over a sandwich. Nevertheless, it would be amusing to have someone constantly trying to foretell the future, right or wrong.

@FuckYouNas Silly primitive Mayans. You forgot to carry the one. Enjoy the three extra years, humanity.

16. Maj – Sir Francis Bacon

@mmmBacon Just wrote something called Hamlet. Uh…I mean I just read it. All credit to @TheRealBard. #shhhh

17. Drew- Hitler

@HitButYouKnowIt FOX reports Auschwitz added $50 million to local economy last year. Guess Jews just don’t like economic progress. is.gd/heeby

@PatrickHenry Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, Give me Liberty, or give me Death!

Greatest tweet not writen by Bree Olson

02.11.11 at 1:31 pm

OJ Incandenza

Napoleon. All the fun of Genghis Khan, with twice the bitchy restaurant reviews.

02.11.11 at 1:31 pm

FreeSoupWithHat

Ty Cobb would be a joy to follow, not only for the racism, but for the racism.

02.11.11 at 1:32 pm

jerry

James Joyce. Just to see if he was capable of using 140 characters or less.

02.11.11 at 1:33 pm

Gunner

Jose Canseco. I would love to hear him intelligently defend himself on the issue of performance-enhancing drugs.

02.11.11 at 1:33 pm

Unsilent Majority

Stonecutter- That’s a long ass tweet.

02.11.11 at 1:33 pm

FreeSoupWithHat

@wehavehair

That was my first choice. I’d love to see what he had to say after ingesting 5 hits of LSD and injecting a syringe full of wild turkey into his belly

@4TheBirds: It’s not a “tweet,” technically. The song production pathway is composed of Hyperstriatum Ventralis pars Caudalis, robust nucleus of arcopallium, and the tracheosyringeal part of hypoglossal nucleus.

02.11.11 at 2:35 pm

Trent Cole Train

ODB

@ol_dirty ugh, tired of this account, check me @osiris

@osiris uh oh, looks like the ex found this account. Time to bounce. She’s such a BIG BABY. JESUS.

@Big_baby_jesus I think there’s some dudes in my living room. Did I throw a party and forget about it??

02.11.11 at 2:35 pm

wrecking_ball

Harriet Tubman

@TubRunner Choo-choo baby!

02.11.11 at 2:36 pm

Upstate Underdog

These comments prove that we are smarter than we realized or everyone here knows how to use wikipedia.

02.11.11 at 2:36 pm

pseudonymous.bosh

Marilyn Monroe

@BlondeBombshell gonna chase valium w Franzia..BRB…

02.11.11 at 2:37 pm

soy spartacus

Job

@weepingsores: ok, enough of this shit, rly

02.11.11 at 2:38 pm

Moose (Black Eyed Peas' sound man)

Maj. Gen. George Pickett:

@kickyankeeaz yo we almost to small rise, after that we gonto kill us a BUNCH a Yankees yo

@Mayancalendar Calling it a day, i’ve written this thing out all the way to 2012, deserve a break lol, heard some guy floated in from somewhere called “Spain,” whatever that is. going to check that out, should be good!

02.11.11 at 3:10 pm

Sausage

GG Allin

@homework_stinks check out this pic!!!

@UhOhGrossGG wow that’s really horrible. got ne more?

02.11.11 at 3:11 pm

Jeteyes

Edward “Blackbeard” Teach. I would love it if he gave advice for piracy.

@TeachsTips: Lubbers part with their riches more easily with the smell of their own burning flesh in their nostrils.

02.11.11 at 3:11 pm

Pinto

Helen Keller’s dog

@TheRealFirstAkita: If that bitch @adfsajkld calls me “ghadsfdeedasdczcv” one more time I’m gonna jump off a cliff! For realz dood #NotCool

02.11.11 at 3:12 pm

Moose (Black Eyed Peas' sound man)

Timothy Treadwell;

@bearRtotallysafe: jus campn rt now with amie lkng at big male br, beauful, about to break for lunch

02.11.11 at 3:14 pm

0tarin

Damn, Maj heisted Swift already? That’s some good hustle.

I call dibs on Lord Byron. Filthy man, and always willing to let you know it too.

02.11.11 at 3:15 pm

StuScottBooyahs

Al Davis

02.11.11 at 3:16 pm

Moose (Black Eyed Peas' sound man)

I traded up:

Sharon Marie Tate:

@iluvroman: some1 at door, BRB………..

02.11.11 at 3:18 pm

Endonatas Motiejunas

Cardinal Fang (Monty Python)

@MyFangREALBig call up Cheney teach these bitches @FoBiggaMyNigga @XimenezCrickets how to torture a nigga. shoutout @VickOnMyDick he do it right

@MikeyJax Last nights slumber party was a blast.. First one to RT can sleep over tonight!

@MikeyJax Getting a little bored with Neverland. Should i get a #hippo or a #rhino?

02.11.11 at 3:22 pm

City of Industry Football Corporation

Sarah Winchester
@CrazySarah: Just bought this simple farm home in California and plan some renovations.

02.11.11 at 3:23 pm

LaFavre's Next Tractor

William Wallace

@FreedomRains Is that my small intestine? – ewww gross.

02.11.11 at 3:27 pm

Otto Man

Doc Holliday

@Tombstoner: RT @J-RingO: I’m your huckleberry #OKCorral

02.11.11 at 3:27 pm

Dr. Steven Poop

Captain Beefheart

@DrtyBluGene Somebody just stole my Trout Mask!! Gonna have to get a new one made
@DrtyBluGene A tungle weed ran out black patent yarn stinkbug hoops from above a living mail thriving dot in perfect sympathy
@DrtyBluGene @ZappaTunes just totally tea-bagged @ZootHorn!! #lulz

02.11.11 at 3:28 pm

Lil Lebowski Urban Achievers

Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen

@RedBaron Pew pew pew

02.11.11 at 3:28 pm

Moose (Black Eyed Peas' sound man)

DAMN I had scouted Kurt Cobain; he was next on the war room board and a position of need but FF beat me to it so:

LtGen Chesty Puller
@MacArthur – damn there be some chinee in the hizzie, WE OUT

02.11.11 at 8:34 pm

NativeWharf

Pontius Pilate

@Water2WineMyA*s Anybody seen my washcloth?

02.11.11 at 8:43 pm

tommothy

March 17, 461

@St.Patrick: let’s fackin march down Main Street. #GotShamrocks

@HouseO: We gawtta bring OW-AH whole crew! #Mickey’sBigMouths

@Tommy: You RETARDS betta-ah nawt hava shirt awn. #Dahhkies

02.11.11 at 9:09 pm

Gladius Maximus

How the hell has nobody drafted Nietzsche yet?
@HumanAllTooHuman There is no more desolate or Ishmaelitish creature in nature than the man who has broken away from his true genius.

@HumanAllTooHuman Jesus was a bitch and Paul was a gigantic douchebag

02.11.11 at 9:41 pm

Gunner's Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole

Jephthah

@WhatCouldGoWrong: Thx to Yahweh for my imminent victory. All I have to do is sacrifice the first thing out the door of my house when I get back!
@WhatCouldGoWrong: Total slaughter bitchez!! On Mah Weh get it ROTFLMAO. Don’t forget to tie up little Jessica LOL
@WhatCouldGoWrong: Comin’ round the corner AHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOO timbrels and everything NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
@WhatCouldGoWrong: I did with her according to the vow which I had vowed. Good one, Lord. ROtflm……:(

02.11.11 at 9:59 pm

linecum slinger

No one picked Nixon yet?

@Trickydick: Watergate seems like a nice place to crash for the night @Gordon Liddy

02.11.11 at 10:00 pm

Gunner's Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole

The Levite

@pimpin4YHWH: Just got me a new concubine. Best in teh fukin GALILEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
@pimpin4YHWH: Guests passing through to Mt. Ephraim. Provided provender and washed feet. Best B&B EVAR
@pimpin4YHWH: Angry mob outside. YHWH damned sons of Belial again. Wants 2 no my guests. Sent out concubine instead
@pimpin4YHWH: Concubine dead on threshold this AM. Guess they knew her a little too well LOL
@pimpon4YHWH: Just took a knife and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces. Got to get to the post office!

@JoeyJojoJunior: @BigDaddyBY: You believed that? I just wanted some pussy!

02.12.11 at 12:00 am

0tarin

Speaking as a successful English major, I disagree entirely with above sentiments. Is it something that puts you on a specific career path (like Engineering)? No. Can you succeed with it? Fuck and yes. And don’t let anyone convince you otherwise if you enjoy it.

02.12.11 at 12:09 am

Tomlinson's Pain Tolerance

Former PA Gov. Ed Rendell

@UncleEd: Bill Clinton wishes he could bang the number of interns I did.

02.12.11 at 12:15 am

Gunner's Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole

@0tarin

“Speaking as a successful English major, I disagree entirely with above sentiments. Is it something that puts you on a specific career path (like Engineering)? No. Can you succeed with it? Fuck and yes. And don’t let anyone convince you otherwise if you enjoy it.”

I am also a successful English major. Perhaps my sense of irony differs from yours.

Still, it was a long time ago that I earned my degree and my success.

I was just saying that I’d be focused on learning something a wee bit more practically applicable than “I can deconstruct Camus” if I were to enter the current job market.

Which our friend obviously understands with their barista reference.

02.12.11 at 12:41 am

0tarin

@Gunner:
Agreed; my snark detector is screwy tonight. My apologies.

02.12.11 at 12:44 am

Gunner's Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole

@0tarin

No worries. Cheers!

02.12.11 at 12:46 am

0tarin

Incidentally, while I didn’t intend to attack anyone mocking the English major, I maintain that even in today’s market, I’d make the same decision (and while it hasn’t been a *long* time since my degree, it’s been a fair bit). I simply intend to discourage folks from treating it as a “wasted” focus. Again, nothing against Gunner’s comment and yes, if you feel it’s a waste of your time, move on. That said, if you truly enjoy it, you can find applications for it even now.

02.12.11 at 12:50 am

Gunner's Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole

Do what you will with your own.

02.12.11 at 1:12 am

0tarin

Since I managed to redirect this into a rant regarding the efficacy of various majors, I suppose I owe us a draft pick.

e e cummings, largely because his tendency towards poor punctuation, case, and the fact that his name involves “cumming” in it makes him particularly suitable for KSK.

Thanks for the reassuring words (Gunner, 0tarin) about being an English major! I do really enjoy it. I’ll probably (read:definitely) be going to law school though or else my moms won’t pay for my education. Can’t blame her, really.

Here’s a draft pick offering:

Martin Luther

@95theeznutz about to indulge the back of my hand across @BrohanDavey’s face. #protestant

Or Holy Roman Emperor Charles V:

@ChuckVeezyNDaHeezy halkadic league Schmalkaldic league…wait…fuck…

02.12.11 at 11:34 am

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Since we’re flaunting our English educations…

@NotMarceau I ate this cookie and it reminded me of the cookies my aunt used to give me. That’s weird. Why hasn’t anyone thought about this before?

02.12.11 at 11:57 am

Moose (Favre's Penile Legacy)

Budd Dwyer and the Cleveland Torso Murderer are golden; they are solid role players for the team.

Pretty sure this thread is dead, but I’d like to be on Jack the Ripper’s twiiter; I’m sure other wittier kommentors would be better than I at it, but a non-functional keypad due to being soaked in blood comes to mind.

/misses NFL football
//misses it even more with the current state of affairs threatening the start
///really needs a life
////will be OK in spring time when women start wearing less, if I last that long
/////at least we’ll have the draft to bitch about
//////Broncos take Cam Newton; then turn him into H-back and punter

02.12.11 at 4:43 pm

Yahoo

STUNNED that Churchill wasn’t a top 3 selection.

02.12.11 at 6:46 pm

rant_casey

Aldous Huxley

@AHUX Maybe this world is another planet’s hell?!?!

02.12.11 at 6:48 pm

rant_casey

@AHUX Chastity is the most unnatural of all sexual perversions! lol #nohomo

02.12.11 at 7:20 pm

Spanky Datass

Joseph Heller

@CatchDeuceDeuce: It is insane to even attempt to express a coherent idea in less than 140 … oh hell.

02.12.11 at 9:33 pm

Gunner's Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole

Lilith

@Adams1stWife: Refused to submit to that douche. All he wanted was a helper. Lilith out.
@Adams1stWife: WHAT WHAT WHAT? Yahweh bringing the animals by to find that douche a “helper?” Yahweh that’s creepy
@Adams1stWife: Douche actually rejected animals as “helpers.” Didn’t see that coming
@Adams1stWife: Yahweh opened the douche up, took something out and made it look just like me. Bitch bent over like Sasha Grey
@Adams1stWife: Headed over to Nod to meet up with Cain and “help him found his city”. Someone’s got to help explain that shit