“Jesus Christ” isn’t only the name of the role that Joaquin Phoenix may play in a movie. It’s also the words I screamed out after finding out that he may play the star of the exquisite lit-up moving painting my abuelita had in her bedroom. I’m talking about her lord and savior Hay-Soos Crease-toe!

That Mary Magdalene biopic starring the living Haunted Mansion portraitRooney Mara is really happening and it’s not a hoax. It’s going to happen and Deadline says that the filmmakers are talking to Fighting the Hot black belt champion Joaquin Phoenix about playing 33-year-old Jesus Christ. The deal isn’t done yet, because there’s scheduling issues, but director Garth Davis is hoping that Joaquin will be the JC to Rooney’s MM. I threw this up in my last post about this holy mess, but I’ll throw it up again. This MM biopic titled Mary Magdaleneis being described as one of the truest cinematic portrayals of her.

It is set to be an authentic and humanistic portrait of one of the most enigmatic and misunderstood spiritual figures in history.

That description gets a Mary Magdalene eye roll from me every single time.

But it’s wrong of me to hit that description with a Mary Magdalene eye roll, because it’s obvious that Garth Davis is working hard to really bring us the truest version of the Bible ever. I mean, in the Bible, Mary Magdalene is described as looking like the human form of a Gothic-era ghost whisper and Jesus is described as a bloated hair ball who obviously lies his age and smells like dick cheese and armpit jelly. There’s also a scene in the Bible where Mary and Jesus get into a huge fight and as he lay passed out on the couch, she cacas on him. So Joaquin is perfect!

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