Lilypie - Memorial

Saturday, 12 January 2013

Relief and Thoughts

It's still hard and I don't think it will ever be easy - but thank goodness December is gone! I look back at the past month and the tears were flowing easily and frequently. In the thick of it, I thought that is what my life would be like on a daily basis. Now that the month has past, I am finding relief. The load on my heart has lifted a little and I can function again. I feel almost human.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the people who have disappointed me through this journey. The people that I've supported through their own time of personal strife, the people who I thought loved me or the people who should have loved Clara the most. These people should have been there for me or at the time, for Clara but weren't. It just plain hurts and that's compiled on top of the pain of losing my daughter. There's no apologies, no communication, no love. At this point, I still don't know how to let go of the anger and the disappointment. I know I should for my own personal well being.

In the past, when I've had relationships that weren't working or healthy - I would let these people go and sever all ties with them. It took me many years to realize that was what was best for me and I don't have any regret in doing so - the only regret I have is enduring those relationships as long as I did. This time it's not so easy when these people are embedded in your life in a way you cannot sever completely. How do I move forward? I don't have all the answers but I accept that I don't have to figure it our right now.