Bills @ Dolphins

Both teams are mirror images of each other. But the biggest difference between these division foes is the quality of their QB play. While Kyle Orton is adequate between the 20s, Buffalo doesn’t score TDs without an explosive. With Fred Jackson and C.J. Spiller out and Sammy Watkins playing hurt, the Bills will find it difficult to move the ball against Miami’s stout defense. On the other side, Ryan Tannehill is progressing as a passer, but his inability to land deep throws could still jeopardize his job since Mike Wallace will never shut up about his touches. You get yours, 60 Minutes. Miami is just good enough to be dangerous, but the Dolphins seem ticketed for Arizona’s fate in 2013—the best team to narrowly miss out on the playoffs.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Bears @ Vikings

Welp, that didn’t work out very well. Formerly the Monsters of the Midway, those monsters are now hiding under the bed after the Bears were abused and embarrassed in their last two games against the Patriots and Packers. Chicago still hasn’t figured out how to adapt their defense after shifting from the ill-fated Tampa 2 scheme, which significantly deteriorated their talent level. While Chicago will still have games where they cannot stop the opposing offense, expect them to look a little better this week against Minnesota’s rookie QB Teddy Bridgewater. The Bears need to stuff the box to stop the run on early downs and force the Vikings to punt on 4th down in a run-of-the-mill field position battle. Since Cutler is struggling to put a relatively competent drive together, Chicago needs to ride Matt Forte and put the burden on him in order for the Bears to correct course and notch a victory against the Vikings.

Win: Chicago Bears

Texans @ Browns

The Ryan Mallett era is underway! Oddly enough, Cleveland was one of the oft-mentioned franchises targeting Mallett, but no deal materialized even though New England ended up selling him for new hair plugs for Tom Brady. With Arian Foster out and Alfred Blue taking on the bulk of running responsibilities, Mallett does not have ideal conditions for his debut on the road versus an always competitive Browns defense. Brian Hoyer is not going to single-handedly win games, but Hoyer just needs to be a little better than Mallett for Cleveland to continue as their division leader. And next week is the Return of Bluntman, Josh Gordon! The picture is looking brighter and brighter for the Browns.

Win: Cleveland Browns

Seahawks @ Chiefs

Seattle deserves to taste how it is to play in a raucous, rowdy road environment with obnoxious levels of noise. Arrowhead Stadium is one of the best home-field advantages, but Kansas City doesn’t inspire confidence with their struggles on offense. With 10 weeks of football in our rearview mirror, the Chiefs still don’t have a WR with a TD catch. Can you fucking believe that? If Jamaal Charles isn’t moving the chains, then Kansas City’s offense is so inept on a drive-to-drive basis. Seattle has sucked as well, but the Seahawks defense has been surprisingly porous. For some reason, I expect Kansas City to finally record a receiver TD against Richard Sherman, but Russell Wilson put Seattle in a position to kick a game-winning FG in the final moments of a sneaky competitive matchup.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Broncos @ Rams

For the first quarter of last week’s game against the Raiders, Denver was pressing and attempting to be perfect on every play. Peyton Manning and the Broncos inevitably settled down and settled in for an impressive offensive output over Oakland. The Rams will provide much tougher competition on both sides of the ball in St. Louis—especially with Jeff Fisher turning back to Shaun Hill as the starting QB. If Sam Bradford stayed healthy (admittedly, a huge if), then the Rams might actually be in the NFC playoff picture. With the problems Denver is experiencing on their offensive line, Peyton Manning needs to be sure to keep a RB or TE in protection to keep him upright. Expect a close competition through the first half and likely late into the game. However, Manning has a knack for figuring out defenses after halftime adjustments. Tennessee always played Indianapolis close when Fisher and Manning where with those respective teams, but the talent discrepancy between these teams gives the edge to Denver.

Win: Denver Broncos

Bengals @ Saints

Holy fuck, Andy Dalton is atrocious. My hatred for Red Rocket was justified after Dalton put together quite possibly the worst game for a starting QB. It’s clear that conditions have to be completely perfect in order for Dalton to have a competent performance. Even though, it’s a coin toss as to whether he’ll still sail passes in frustrating fashion. On the other side, Drew Brees just needs to protect the ball and enable Mark Ingram to run it down the throat of the Bengals defense. Cincinnati’s sense of pride is mortally wounded after last week’s embarrassing output in primetime, but the Bengals lack the cohesion and healthy talent to be competitive with New Orleans.

Win: New Orleans Saints

49ers @ Giants

Two of the most inconsistent QBs (Colin Kaepernick and Eli Manning) face off against each other in this uninspiring matchup. Both Kaep and Eli are capable of great performances, but it’s not an outcome that can be expected every week. With mediocre supporting casts on offense, this game will hinge on defensive performances. San Francisco will finally have Aldon Smith back, which gives the 49ers a slight advantage.

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Buccaneers @ Redskins

This Pirates vs. Indians matchup could be a high-scoring shootout between two shitty teams or a truly unwatchable mess with no fantasy upside. No one except for close family and the most dedicated fans will give a fuck about this game. If Robert Griffin III cannot beat Josh McCown and the Buccaneers, then the Washington Redskins have more problems than their shitty owner and racist team nickname.

Win: Washington Redskins

Falcons @ Panthers

While there are some interesting matchups in this Week 11 slate, Atlanta on the road against Carolina is not among the highlights this week. The Panthers are reeling and Cam Newton is not able to elevate this mediocre supporting cast. I wouldn’t blame Cam. Although Newton hasn’t progressed to meet expectations, the burden of blame is squarely on the organization and Riverboat Ron Rivera. Despite pouring exorbitant amounts of money into running backs, Carolina utilizes Newton as their most prolific runner, which puts him in unnecessary danger. If a mobile QB finds the delicate balance between passing downfield and extending plays with their legs, then that player will become the most dangerous offensive weapon in the NFL. For a short stretch, Russell Wilson masquerading in that role, but he was propped up as if he belonged because of Marshawn Lynch’s impeccable offensive brute force. My money would be Atlanta to score 24+ points, which appears to be a daunting task for Carolina to match—even though Atlanta’s defense is atrocious with as many holes as Swiss cheese. Anything can happen in this division matchup.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Raiders @ Chargers

Oakland is counting down the days until the season mercifully ends. After initially fighting hard against Denver, the Raiders imploded as per usual. Coming off a bye week, San Diego is rested and fully prepared to pick apart Oakland—finally moving past their last game in which they lost 37-0 to the Dolphins. Will the Raiders go winless in 2014? It’s not out of the realm of possibility.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Eagles @ Packers

As anticipated, Mark Sanchez eventually earned his opportunity to start. If not for Nick Foles’ injury, it would have been his ineffectiveness that created an opening for Mr. Butt Fumble. Sanchez performed like The Sanchize last week, but the Green Bay Packers will provide a more formidable opposition this week. With Aaron Rodgers operating on all cylinders and Eddie Lacy finding running lanes, the Packers could be the most dangerous team in the NFC. It’s all a matter of their defense producing to the level of their offense, which will once again be the determining factor this week. Philadelphia can score the same amount of points with less talent, which puts the onus on Green Bay to create turnovers in order to ensure enough drives to generate point separation.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Lions @ Cardinals

Arizona has been performing well above expectations all year despite a myriad of injuries. However, the most recent injury might be the most damning as the Cardinals will be without Carson Palmer for the rest of the year. For the second time, Palmer suffers a devastating knee injury after signing a contract. Perhaps those discussions should have waited to see if Carson Palmer could have continued his career resurgence in the desert. At some point, these injuries will take their toll. Drew Stanton is competent and capable of guiding a team to victory, which he’s proven this year in emergency duty. But the pressure will be on Stanton to match Matthew Stafford blow for blow. With Calvin Johnson healthy, the Cardinals will need to hit on their blitzes to keep the Lions limited offensively. Although Austin Davis wasn’t the type of QB to take advantage downfield, Matthew Stafford will lean heavily on Megatron and Golden Tate to beat coverage from Patrick Peterson and Antonio Cromartie. Unless Arizona’s defense puts forth another improbable, flawless performance, then the road for the NFC playoffs will travel through Detroit.

Win: Detroit Lions

Patriots @ Colts

Tom Brady can wax poetic on the difference in athleticism between himself and Andrew Luck all he wants. While Tom Terrific would surely take Luck’s mobility and ability to run over defenders, Brady’s supporting cast is substantially better than anything the Colts could hope to put together on the field. With a smorgasbord of explosive, elusive players, Tom Brady also has the best TE (possibly in NFL history) to throw the ball up to because no one is covering Gronkowski. In fact, no one even tries to chip or re-route Gronk, which gives him free reign to do whatever the fuck he wants to opposing defenses. Indianapolis will need Luck to surgically remove a giant horseshoe from his ass in order for the Colts to win.

Win: New England Patriots

Steelers @ Titans

What a fucking pathetic Monday Night Football matchup. Pittsburgh is highly overrated after Rapistberger’s 3-week stretch of invincibility and flawless victories from Week 7 to Week 9. The Steelers will exact their revenge after last week’s embarrassing loss to the Jets. Let’s just say this picture shouldn’t turn out very pretty for the Titans. Could Tennessee truly be considering firing Ken Whisenhunt in his first season? I’m sure we’ll see former Titans head coach Mike Munchak (a more doughy, slightly retarded version of Jim Schwartz) on the sideline of the Steelers 7 times during this blowout.