Doubt

Maybe it’s the constant rain and gloom since I began my Post-Dex life. Maybe a former boss was right that I lack self confidence. Whatever the reason, nagging doubt has been creeping in. One of my freelance possibilities fizzled out last week, another lead hasn’t panned out. Did I do the right thing? I’m glad to be gone from Dex, because the job was killing me. Am I going to be able to bring in enough money to float the boat without finding another full time job? And if that becomes necessary, would I even be able to find one? But all of these I can chalk up to natural anxiety for a person in my position. I have some very specific doubts about my immediate future.

Remember the job at Caribou? I’m going in for an interview today. It sounds like it’s a mere formality and the manager wants to hire me. I’m still a little curious how she came to the conclusion I’d be a good hire. She says she’s talked to me enough, but I can’t remember much conversation other than “good morning” and “have a nice day,” and that’s usually at 6:50 am when I’m not exactly at my cheerful best, plus I’m the kind of person that, in a line of people waiting for service, tries to make the transaction as quick and simple as possible out of consideration for others. I try not to strike up any conversation with the person behind the counter, other than the occasional lame witticisms. Â I’m OK with that though, actually I’m kind of flattered, I never really thought anyone there even noticed me.

But over the weekend I started having some serious, specific doubts about being able to function as a barista. One, my knees. I’m not entirely sure I can be on my feet for even four hours. I figure that’s worth a try though, good shoes and maybe my knee braces might be enough support to keep the pain to a minimum.

Secondly, I can’t hear. Yesterday I went to get coffee at the store in my neighborhood, and the woman who gave me Beck’s drink asked me,”mghphf grgh gorfrth?” Â “I’m sorry.” “mghphf grahfuf hlmaf?” “excuse me?” “flemoof garfph mhlorfr?” “I’m sorry, my hearing is really bad.” “DO YOU NEED A CUP CARRIER?” “No thank you.” My hearing sucks and it even sucks more when there’s background noise, like in a busy coffee shop. A service worker can hardly demand that a customer, “SPEAK UP PLEASE!” This may be the motivation I need to get a hearing aid, but that won’t happen before I would start work. Plus that would mean I would lose my ongoing debate with Beck as to who’s more deaf and who should get a hearing aid first.

And thirdly, an most importantly, would I be able to stifle my outrageous flatulence behind the counter for four hours. They might have to take the “Breath” signs down? I don’t even think that the aroma of brewing coffee would overcome the stench that seeps out of me on occasion. Sometimes they’re such silent little puffs that I don’t even notice what I’ve done until the people around me are turning green and gasping for breath. And other times a sudden movement will rip one off that sounds like someone is kick starting a small bore motorcycle. This could have a chilling effect on retail business. Maybe I can get some of that fart absorbing underwear.

I am going to the interview today, I might bring up the hearing thing, but I don’t think I’ll discuss the gas issue. What to do, what to do?