NC Computer Mama

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Battle

I have always been someone who battles weight. I have never really been at a consistent weight for more than a year. I yo-yo. I am either gaining or losing. I hate this about myself.

I grew up in a family where you just don't talk about it. I married into a family where it's definitely ok to bring it up and ask questions about it. Some members of my husband's family, especially my husband, don't understand this struggle at all. They are all naturally thin or have incredible self-discipline. I have often said that I feel like a giant compared to all of them. (I have probably made them mad by talking about it too. Sorry family. And family, I don't want to talk about this with you. Again, sorry)

When I got married I was a decent weight. I lost my job a year and a half later and got bigger. We moved to NY and I was surrounded by a bunch of people who ate a lot at work. I got huge. I went on Weight Watchers and lost 47 pounds. I was too skinny, like seriously scary skinny, like they were threatening to kick me out of Weight Watchers skinny. I slowly started to get to a healthier weight and then I blew right by it. I got pregnant. I got big (and no it wasn't all baby).

So that brings me to today. I gave birth 10 months ago. I'm still carrying some weight that I don't want to be carrying. I need to seriously address in my head why. I don't want to just lose the weight and not deal with it. I need to or it will yo-yo right back on.

I am going to spend the next couple weeks really praying through this issue. While I have started running, I can't start a "diet" until my head is on right. I need to be sure I don't get back to that "scary skinny" place again and I need to make sure I don't stay here in the "baby weight" place either. I just want to be happy and healthy.