Thursday, October 31, 2013

Liies I Told Myself (Part 3)_My Job to Heal and Fix Broken People

Why trying to repair abusers didn't work

﻿﻿﻿I was a sensitive child who felt other people’s pain easily. Even at
four years of age, I felt sorry for my parents when they seemed emotionally
out-of-control. Early in life, I accepted the assignment of trying
to love my parents out of their pain which they expressed with alcoholism, sexual
abuse, controlling behavior, yelling, emotional abuse, etc. Looking
back it is so clear that I felt it was my job to heal and fix them. At seven
years of age, I realized that God was the one who would be able to heal my
parents, not me. But I still believed that if I was loved my parents enough (through my words and deeds) that I could be the important
catalyst that would lead them to radically change their lives in healthy ways.

I took these same attitudes into my marriage as a teen/young
adult. My spouse was someone else who had lots of pain inside and a brokenness that
kept him from healthy decisions and behavior. His expressions of pain included
addictive tendencies, paranoia, compulsivity, suicide threats, difficulty keeping a job and abuse. The
expressions of pain had different labels but the only difference for me was
that as a spouse I heard a lot more stories and details about why my spouse was
broken and hurting.

In the name of love (and being an un-invited therapist), I
tried to carry the burdens that seemed too heavy for my loved ones to carry. I
felt their pain as if it was my own. I listened to rage, to bitterness, to
resentment, to anger, to depressed feelings, and to drunken perceptions with my whole
heart. I committed myself to helping them to feel better and to carrying away
as much of their pain as I could manage. I’d carry the pain hidden inside of
me. I didn’t talk to anyone about it, not even God.I also bore other people’s secrets they hadn’t
ever told anyone else. I couldn’t
take direct action on any of the secrets (because they weren’t my issues to
solve), but I carried them locked away inside of me. By ninth grade, I knew that I had natural counseling and teaching skills that are a part of my personality type. At the time, this knowledge merely strengthened my conviction that I must spend a life time carrying other people’s pain for them--so they’d have a fighting chance to decide to engage in the work and pain of radical change.

My self-assigned job of fixing broken people, came about because there
was an obvious need and there wasn’t anyone else available to do the job. The job wasn't very rewarding. I was known as a nice person, but the broken people in my life remained broken. I learned the hard way that when someone isn’t looking for any help, when
they are not dissatisfied with the way they are living, when they deny they
have any issues hindering their happiness and health--they remain dysfunctional. As an adult, I finally know (intellectually,
emotionally and spiritually) that no one makes radical healthy changes in their
life when they aren’t the ones seeking a healthier life. It doesn’t matter how
much anyone else is eager to help them.

Now that I am middle-aged, I can see clearly that the result
of my faulty belief (of being a fixer of in-pain-broken people) was that I became a nice companion and handy trash can for
more than a few abusive and psychologically unhealthy people. When they behaved
inappropriately they received empathy and gentleness from me. When they behaved
insanely I tried to comfort them. When they raged I apologized a lot and tried
harder to make their lives less stressful. When others told me vivid details
about crimes they’d committed, how much they hated another, or how resentful
and suspicious they were, I tried to calm them and show that I accepted them
100% no matter what they did. I forgave by excusing. I listened by storing what
wasn’t mine. I received other’s anger in quantities that stole my own energy and
peace. I identified to others to the extreme point of losing track of my own
emotions. I felt sorry for the other’s pain and completely ignored how I felt
after spending time with them.

Today, I do things differently. I now avoid close
relationship with anyone who demonstrates regularly through their
actions that they are satisfied with their dysfunctional lifestyle. If I
realize I am trying to fix or heal another, I detach (by remembering I
can only change myself) and I turn them and their feelings into God’s loving
and capable hands.I now focus on doing
my own emotional processing to keep myself healthy and realize that other
people have the choice to do their own emotional processing.

All these changes in my own choices have come out of letting
go of my own warped perceptions and embracing
reliable truths. I still think abuse is tragic and the roots of what leads
someone into being abusive are also sad. But I realize now that a sad or tragic
or frightening past doesn’t make acting out to harm others right. In addition,
I’ve proved to myself that no one else can fix a person who engages in
self-abuse and/or other-abuse. Counselors can offer help to those who truly
seek help, but all the power for change comes from within the broken person. No
one else can create any lasting change inside of someone else.

Have you tried to fix or heal broken and/or abusive people?
How did it work out?

Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman by Marie M. Fortune

Perfect Daughters by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.

Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden

Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Slay Your Own Dragons by Nancy Good

The Cinderella Syndrome by Lee Ezell

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.

The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee

Turning Fear to Hope by Holly Wagner Green

When Violence Comes Home: Help for Victims of Spouse Abuse by Tim Jackson and Jeff Olson

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

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Welcome

Being abused by another hurts deeply and creates many challenges. But you don't have to settle for merely being a survivor. You can become an overcomer with dazzling wings.

You might feel worthless--but you are not. You are valuable to the creator of the universe. A new life of freedom, peace, and joy awaits. Facing abuse, ending it, and healing from it is a huge journey that leaves behind hopelessness, embracing new life.

Just like myself and other abuse survivors, you can unfurl dazzling wings with the help of Jesus Christ.

This journey is possible. I've done it and so have other formerly abused women and men who have shared their stories with me. Come join us on a life-giving journey of change.

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About Me

For thirty-five years, I felt worthless. It seemed like I wore a sign across my chest inviting others to abuse me.
Unfortunately, I had an abundance of personal experience with being a victim of domestic violence, incest, emotional abuse, physical abuse, date rape, verbal abuse, and spiritual abuse. And then I experienced being the mother and stepmother of children who were assaulted by a pedophile.I felt like a cursed woman.
Since multiple people felt comfortable assualting me and then my children I assumed that there was something wrong with me. I had let me myself down in some unknown, mysterious way.
What if God let me down, too?
One day, in desperation, I prayed asking God to end the abuse.
God heard. He rescued me. He continues to heal me. His kindness, grace, and mercy far exceed anything I could’ve imagined or hoped for.
He has given me dazzling wings to soar above the pain of past abuse, spreading His message of hope: God does not approve of violence in any of its manifestations. He rescues those who cry out to Him. He heals the wounded.

Disclaimer

I share my thoughts and feelings on this blog about a very sensitive and personal topic, but I need to remind readers that I am not a licensed counselor or a legal advisor. Please weigh everything I say with prayer. Feel empowered to take what you want and leave the rest.