The Bachelorette Premiere Awards: The Good, the Bad, and the Chicken

Of course you frickin' do, but just in case somehow you don't, The Bachelorette will remind you whether you want it to or not. Tonight's premiere opened with sobs and actual tears dripping from the tip of Becca's nose as she reminisced over Polaroids of her and Arie living happily ever after together during those two months of secret engaged bliss before he ripped her heart out and gave it to runner up Lauren Burnham. You will NEVER be allowed to forget this national heartache. NEVER!!

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Arie and Lauren now have plans to get married privately on their own absolutely because they want to do that and not because ABC won't give them a TV wedding, but who the heck cares at this point? We are all about getting emotional justice for Becca, and hopefully that's what's in store for her on The Bachelorette thanks to some of the true contenders we met this evening. But of course not all the contenders were true, and there's a lotta questionable content to discuss and too much of it involves a male model named Jordan.

As we did with Rachel's much less already dramatic season, allow us to present…The Bachelorette Premiere Awards.

ABC

Best Tear Falling From the Tip Of A Nose

If a girl's gotta be shown sobbing over her garbage ex, it's gotta be a true gross messy sobfest and this definitely was that.

ABC

Worst Person

We don't know him personally but for at least the purposes of this show right now, he's (Jean Ralphio voice) the wooooooorst.

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Kaitlyn Bristowe is apparently not of the belief that lighting sage on fire and waving it around a building/ring finger/vagina will help expel demons and/or bad exes. Weird.

ABC

Worst Tagline

We're five minutes in and we're already sick of doing the damn thing!

ABC

Best Chris Farley Impression

This originally said "worst thing a date could do to impress us" but then Garrett got that all-important First Impression Rose (which JoJo reminded us has determined the winner the past three seasons of The Bachelorette) sooooo we hope Becca likes Chris Farley.

ABC

Most Incorrect Jersey Shore Reference

Listen, it was a lot for us to deal with the Chris Farley impression and a Zoolander line within two minutes of each other, so by the time Jordan was f--king up "Gym, Tan, Laundry" with some goddamn salt spray, we were DONE.

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We've got a lot of questions, Mike. Where did you get that cardboard standee of arch enemy Arie? Did you custom order it or did a producer give it to you? Do they just have a bunch of those lying around at ABC? How long did it take before some of the guys decided to take out their manly masculine anger out on that piece of cardboard? Why did you not practice your line better? How long have you had that manbun?

We want answers, Mike!

ABC

Worst Math

"I think I'll get out of the limo and instead of showing off my great personality, I'll suggest that one person should give more to a relationship than the other. She'll love it."

Bye Kamil!

ABC

Best Math?

He counted to 12.

ABC

Best Chicken

Some tough competition here but we decided we had to give the best chicken award to the guy who dressed like a chicken.

ABC

Most Camera Ready

Male model Jordan is already something else. He talked far more than anyone else in the premiere, though not to Becca. He spent six hours picking out his grey suit! He wore shoes that would make a noise like the heartbeat of a gentleman! We hate him. We love him. He's horrible.

ABC

Most Transformative Year

How dare Becca get rid of a guy she's met before but who showed no interest until she was on a TV show?!

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