Thursday, July 17, 2008

If you were driving down McMullen Booth Road Tuesday at about 6AM, you may have seen a petite, dark haired, crazy chick shrieking at a turtle that was crossing the overpass at Tampa Rd.I had to take my mom to the hospital for a biopsy at insane o'fucking clock in the a.m. (her appt was 5:30AM for realzzzz). I usually put face to pillow between 3-4am and firmly believe that the hours of 4:30am - 12:30pm should be permanently removed from the day as we now know it, or at least just be reserved for sleep. I'm not a morning person in any capacity, and I only bounce out of bed in emergent situations or if someone actually bounces me out =]

Waking me up, even one minute before I want to be up, is definitely taking one's life into their own hands. The only thing you have going for you at that point is my complete lack of coherence, so that gives ya time to duck before whatever object I can reach is throttled in the direction of your head (I aim for the eyebrows, even without contacts in).
Anyways, yesterday I napped for an hour before delivering my mom to the creepy hospital (which is even creepier in the dark). Once assured that this would be an all day thing and that I should go home to wait, I got back in my Celica and locked into that feeling one gets when they find out it's a "snow" day and they get to go back to bed instead of yuckyfucky school.

Others were just beginning their drives to work as I was relishing the thought of the sea of purple pillows that would be catching my drool soon, but then I saw it. A big, big, four times the size of my ass turtle dragging his home across the left lane towards a cement wall. They aren't noted for their intelligence, poor things, hence why I repeatedly stop and give them a hand.

Yes, I am the kook that will stop all of traffic to put certain reptiles, or any other animal, out of danger. I don't care if you hit me, but there is no way in hell some poor, innocent creature is going to get pancaked on my watch. This was on the beginning of an overpass and traffic wasn't too bad when I pulled over and buttoned the "hazards". I grabbed some towels thinking I could pick it's slimy ass up and sit it in the back seat till I got to a park a couple of miles ahead. It could either hang its hat there, or become gator food - once you let them go, it's anybody's guess. I've done this a few times and once I scoop 'em up, I turn into Pee Wee Herman when he rescues those snakes from the pet store like the link below, but not in said plane.

I told the turtle how things were going to go down, and then bent over to pick it up. The second my toweled hands tried to clamp on, this bitch let out some straight from the fires of hell hiss and somehow spun around like a break-dancer exposing me to its claws and snapping jaws. I had on high heeled sandals and went flailing backwards out into where traffic could be any second, and was screaming as if that were the only way to regain my balance. It somehow worked, but the turtle gave me grief every time I went in for another try and mounting traffic was in earshot. I told the turtle to fuck off and that it was on its own, but once I was back in the car, I felt bad.I drove off thinking maybe I'd see a cop and convince them to go back and do something (they do sometimes, as a gator blocked this bridge once and I got a cop to get it out of my way - peacefully), but there was no donut shops on the way home and even going 10 over didn't attract any uniforms. It was that kind of day.

I turned the Death Cab for Cutie up and drove home to bed. I wasn't asleep 45 minutes when my mom's doc called. I was too tired to kill him or my phone, and I told him that but I swear he was on crack. He sounded like he had just gotten a blow job from a ghost and had to tell SOMEONE.

Way too freakin' chipper for a morning telephone call. He said "Yeah you can pick her up about 9:30 10" and I was like "Tonight? Then why are you calling NOW?" I was so out of it. He laughed and told me to check the clock. I'm fashioning a voodoo doll in his likeness this weekend.

Got some Newman's Own Organic Coffee, Café Almond Biscotti in me and then summoned my broom, eh..er..car. On the way back from getting my mom, I braced myself for the gore I was sure that I would witness once the overpass was in sight, but much to my delight, there was no sign of shell remnants anywhere.

In my fantasy world, some rugged fire and rescue guys on their way back to the firehouse stop and grab the turtle and put it in a swamp behind their basketball court. The turtle then tells all the other reptiles and word gets to all the snakes to stay the fuck away from the house where the crazy, high-heeled, towel chick lives.

And they do =]

Currently listening : Narrow Stairs By Death Cab for Cutie Release date: 2008-05-13