(laughs maniacally) Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier.

Cut to the theme song.

Stan

(Lights lantern) You've come to the Mystery Shack after hours. A time when the most cursed objects are for sale! Like that thing! There... (Gestures to lump of random body parts that are groaning) Nope? Not a fan? Too many orifices? Alright, I can tell what you're looking for is this (Pulls hand out of a chest) disembodied hand! Why is it so expensive? Well, that's quite a tale. And it's called HANDS OFF! No seriously, hands off (Takes eye of Sauron from person) that's not for sale. Alright, HANDS OFF!! (Cut to "Hands Off" title screen. Cut to Stan with Dipper and Mabel at a Swap Meet)

Mabel Pines

Swap meet, swap meet, swap meet! Look at all these priceless treasures! Bobbly heads! (Runs over to bobbly heads and flicks them) They agree with everything I say.

Dipper Pines

(Putting on glasses) Professor glasses! They make me look like a genius! (Turns around and crashes into the glasses rack)

Stan

(Looking at watches) Look at these vogue gold beauties! They're mob boss quality! (Sees Hand Witch and turns to Dipper and Mabel) Okay, kids. Prepare to watch the delicate art of the deal. Hey Hagface! How much for the junk watches?

Hand Witch

They are not for sale! NOT FOR YOU, STAN PINES! THE WIND WHISPERS YOUR NAME!

Hah! Curse? Yeah, right. (Sees himself in the mirror) AAH! Wait, is this curse-ugly or just normal ugly? Heh. Looks like I got off scot-free. (Holds up arms, but he has no hands. Cut to kitchen. Stan is bringing the kids a pan, with oven mitts over his arms) Alright kiddos, breakfast time. Prepare your mouths for- (Drops pan and mitts slip off)

(Puts mitt back on with his mouth, muffling her speech) That's better.

Dipper

I told you, Grunkle Stan. You gotta give that watch back and apologize.

Stan

What? That old crone should apologize to me for denying my right to buy cheap junk. I don't need hands. I've got self-respect! (Tries to pick up coffee but drops it. He slaps the fork, which flings bacon at his face) Mabel, sweetie, will you make your uncle some hands?

Mabel

(Putting plastic cups with forks taped to them on Stan's arms and singing:) Lalala...Hands makeover! (Puts glitter on them) Say hello to you new hands! In quotes.

Stan

Nice work, kid! (Pats her on the head but pulls out some of her hair) See, hands are overrated. I'm ready to take on the day. (Waves as Lazy Susan walks by) Ma'am.

Lazy Susan

(Screams)

Cut to Stan at bowling alley.

Stan

(Tries to throw a ball but trips the woman behind him, who throws up a bowling ball, which crashes a TV)

What? Forget it! I'm not kissing any of that mess! I don't need my hands that bad!

Dipper

Yeah, you're just making stuff up now.

Stan

Let's go, kids. (Starts to leave)

Hand Witch

NO, WAIT DON'T GO! Ehh- you're right, you're right. I-I-I was just making all of that stuff up. I-I was just trying to get something going, you know? It's so hard to meet people these days... (Snaps fingers and hands let kids go and braid Mabel's hair)

Dipper

So this was all just a ploy to get a date?

Hand Witch

I'M DESPERATE, OKAY? But every time I bring someone back here without keeping their hands hostage, they just run away.

Stan

Well, yeah, look at this horror show! It's creepy even for a cave.

Mabel

You just need to redecorate! For example: (Grabs a bunch of hands) A Handalabra!

Hand Witch

OOOH! THE HAND WITCH LIKES.

Mabel

Then watch me work. (Throws hands) HOME MAKEOVER!

Montage of "home makeover."

Mabel

Redecorate! Brand new you! Shake it around! You gotta do it to make it work! (Montage ends. Everyone is standing outside.) Okay, time to take a look at your fantastic new cave.

Hand Witch

(Hands come off her eyes)

Mabel

Men will definitely tolerate you, now. And I left a book of pick up lines on the end table.

Hand Witch

AAAAAGH! OH MY GOODNESS, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS THE SAME CAVE, OH MY GOODNESS. I just can't find the words...

Stan

How about "Here's your hands back?"

Hand Witch

Oh, right! (Hands come out of her hair and crawl around Stan before reattaching)

(Climbs up to Hand Witch's cave) Hey. I'm lost in these mountains. Can I crash here for the night?

Hand Witch

Please. Come in. (Grabs Pick-up Lines book, clears throat and reads from it:) Girl, are those space pants? Because your butt looks out of this world!

Man

Wow. Thanks for noticing.

Hand Witch

Yes!

We are back in the Mystery Shack at night.

Stan

Alright, I get it. You don't want the hand. (Throws the hand back)

The hand crawls around before leaving the room.

Stan

You're a savvy customer. But perhaps you'd be interested in buying... (Searching his pockets, then sees Waddles and grabs him) This magic pig! Sure, he doesn't look magic, but there's a very interesting story I'm about to make up about him. And it's called: "ABACONINGS!"

Abaconings title card appears. Cut to Dipper in the attic.

Dipper

(Looking at box) The "What-the-heck-ahedron. Solve this puzzle and your photo could get on this box." (Turns the box around to show a picture of a boy holding up the puzzle and getting kissed by a girl in a swimsuit) Woah. That's false advertising I can get behind. (Takes puzzle out of box and turns it around. It beeps. He turns it some more) Come on... (It beeps again) Ugh!

Mabel

(Into tape recording:) Ooo! That's a BUMMER! This is May May and THE HOGG! Coming at you on the AM!

Waddles

EEE!

Mabel

Woah! Not sure we can say that on the air! Don't touch that dial, truckers! Cause the Hogg just ate it. (Presses sound effects board, making a honking sound three times and then a fart sound.)

Dipper

Mabel, could you knock it off? I'm trying to solve this intelligence puzzle but it seems impossible. (It beeps)

Mabel

Maybe you're just not smart enough.

Dipper

...We'll see about that. (Cut to him reading Journal 3:) "Buried near the falls is the legendary Percepshroom. To increase brainpower, grind it up and apply to forehead overnight" (Does as the instructions state; to What-the-heck-ahedron:) Tomorrow, I own you!

Waddles

(Gets up and eats all of the Percepshroom, including that on Dipper's forehead. He looks at all of the books on the table)

The next morning

Dipper

(Gets up) Ha-ha! I feel smarter already! The digits of pi are three point one... uh...

Waddles

(Through machine:) Four, one, five, nine, two, six, et cetera.

Dipper

What? Who said that? Mabel?

Mabel

Huh! Dipper, look!

Waddles

(Drives into the room on a board tied to a monster truck) Greetings, friends, it is I, Waddles, the pig.

Dipper

What?!

Mabel

Waddles! What happened to you? Have you been possessed by the spirit of a nerd!?

Waddles

(Drives closer) I understand that my transformation may be vexing, but I have prepared a presentation- (Bumps into computer, knocking it over) Forgive me. My pig arms are cute and useless.

Dipper

The brain goop! You ate it and built all this, didn't you?

Mabel

(Runs up to Waddles with a children's animal sounds toy) THIS ISN'T RIGHT! THE PIG GOES OINK! THE PIG GOES OINK!!!

Waddles

Now the pig goes wherever he can shine the light of knowledge into the darkness of ignorance.

Dipper

(Sees the What-the-heck-ahedron that Waddles solved) Woah! What-the-heck-ahedron! How did you do that?

Waddles

I can teach you, Dipper. I can teach you many things. From the secrets of astrophysics, to the- (Notices Gompers chewing on his pillow) Hey! HEY! (Squeals)

(On tape recording:) Welcome to May May and the Hogg. Top story today: coping with crippling loneliness after losing my co-host. (Presses button, which plays a recording of an electric guitar riff and a man saying "Loneliness!". Holds up a picture of "Waddles' birthday, probably???") What did that nasty goop do to you? You're not happier like this, are you?

Dipper

(Fastening a bolt on a big machine) Dude, this is your greatest invention yet! It could solve every problem of mankind!

I'm sorry, Dipper. In my last eight seconds of consciousness I want you to know that science is a horizon to search for, not a prize to hold in your hand. Also, I miss getting my tummy tickled. (Squeals; jumps into Mabel's arms)

Mabel

Oh, Waddles!

The Smarticle Accelerator falls down.

Dipper

No! Our invention!

Mabel

I know what'll make you feel better: a simple hug from a simple pig.

Dipper

Yeah, guess so. (Takes Waddles)

Waddles

(Licks him and throws up the What-the-Heck-ahedron)

Dipper

Good pig. Uggh.

Cut back to Stan in the Mystery Shack.

Stan

You know what, you're right. Don't buy the pig. In fact, I'm probably better off leaving him with my niece.

An arrow with a suction cup on the end sticks to his fez.

Stan

No shooting in the house, sweetie! But perhaps I can interest you in something else. (Walks back over to the chest and pulls out a tape) Like these spooooky moooovies. Movies are great! You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you, next thing you know you gotta raise a kid. Your life falls apart. Forget that last part. This next tale is called "Clay Day"! (Clay Day title card appears. Cut to the Pines family and Soos in the living room. Mabel is watching TV)

Alright. If we can just get the director to show her the models are fake, maybe she'll finally calm down.

Soos Ramirez

I don't know, dude. According to the Internet, special effects genius Harry Claymore is some kind of recluse.

Stan

The man wants his privacy. I can respect that. (Swings rope over gate) Well, everyone over the fence.

Everyone is in the yard, heading to the house.

Stan

You see, Mabel, those monsters are just clay models moved around one frame at a time, by an antisocial shut-in.

Soos

Those people are called animators.

Dipper

Hello? Mr. Claymore?

Stan

We wanna get a look at your figurines!

Soos

We're not paparazzi! (Flashes camera phone several times)

Dipper

Aha! (Picks up a mini gorilla figurine) See, Mabel? It's all just special effects. You can come out.

Mabel

NO.

Stan

Kid, listen to me. For the last time, there is nothing here to be afraid--

Clay cyclops walks up behind Stan

Cyclops

(Roars)

Dipper, Stan, and Soos

(Scream)

Stan

(Drops the basket with Mabel in it and backs away, as cyclops swipes at them) It's slowly (Swipe) swiping at us! (Swipe)

Soos

Let's escape by standing still! (Is picked up by cyclops) It didn't work!

The cyclops grabs Stan and skeletons pop out of the ground.

Dipper

(Screams; runs off. He trips over Mabel's basket, which throws her out.)

Skeleton

(Grabs Mabel's head)

Mabel

Ahh! (runs and trips in front of the stairs. Gets back up and runs up the stairs)

Dipper

(Being stuck in clay along with Stan and Soos) Ah! How is this happening? What do they want?

Harry Claymore

I'm afraid they want you. (He is also tied up)

Stan

Harry Claymore! Master of special effects! Circa-1970's-something.

Harry Claymore

Alas, my effects are more special than you know.

Dipper

What? But how are these things real? What about stop motion?

Harry

What? You really believe someone moves these figures one frame at a time? I'm not a masochist! I use black magic to make them animate themselves. It was great at first, but one day...

Flashback

Cyclops

(Looks at newspaper, which says that computer animation is better than stop motion) No! Where's the heart?

Harry

Now that they were out of work, they went mad and enslaved me! And now they will turn you into unholy beasts clay to join in their mischeif!

Soos

Huh, Mr. Pines. At least you finally get to work with your favorite director. And by work, I mean suffocate inside a big wad of clay!

More clay is stuffed on Soos. The three call out for help. Mabel sees the whole thing.

Mabel

Oh, what do I do? How can I defeat those monstrosities? (Picks up a wad of clay with two holes in them. Mabel adds a line so it looks like a smiley face) Hey. I changed into something I like. Woah. I think I have an idea! (Runs down stairs.) Hey, One-Eyeclopses! Yeah, I'm talking to you, dumb-dumb! Come at me! WOOAAAAA!!! (Runs at it with her arms in front of her and jumps into its stomach, crawls up it, and emerges from its shoulders) Wipe that face off your face! (Smears it) Oh, I've got big plans for you. (Later) Hey, skeleton dorks! IT'S CLAYBACK TIME!!

The Cyclops is remade into Shimmery Twinkleheart.

Shimmery Twinkleheart

(Walks up and falls down on a bunch of skeletons)

Soos

Dude, you conquered your fear!

Shimmery Twinkleheart

That's right. Because she believed in herself-

Mabel

JAM, IT, TWINKLEHEART! Just start pounding those skeletons!

Shimmery Twinkleheart

Hoo hoo hoo... (Attacking skeletons)

Mabel

(Runs to everyone else)

Dipper

Mabel, you did it! So you're not scared anymore?

Mabel

(Taking the clay off of him) Oh, I'm scared twice as much now. But now I know it's rational! (Starts taking the clay off of Stan)

Stan

Kid, I'm sorry I doubted you. (Punches through clay). You were right! Stop-motion is pure evil.

We see the stop-motion monsters fighting in shadow. Shimmery Twinkleheart punches several skeletons.

Soos

And probably really expensive.

Harry Claymore

Incredibly expensive.

Soos

This is an impressive fight, though. I'm glad I'm facing towards it.

A scorpion with the head of medusa attacks Shimmery Twinkleheart and they melt into the mass of clay. Unicorns rain from the ceiling and fall into it.

All

(Clapping) Yaaaaayyyyy!!

Harry Claymore

That was the best part!

Cut back to the Mystery Shack. Stan, Dipper, and Mabel are watching "Loiclothiclese in the creature with an unreasonable amount of heads."

Dipper

Well, I think today we learned that you can remold your fears.

Mabel

I'm just glad that none of us got turned into clay.

Soos

Holy Toledo! (He steps out of a wall of clay and looks like Gumby) Who wants to see me change into most anything? Do do do do do... (Becomes cylinder shaped, then normal shaped) I can walk through walls! (Runs out of shot and back into shot from opposite side) Woah, woa-

Stan

(Throws the TV remote at him, cutting off his head) We're safe now kids. We're safe. (Cut back to Stan in the Mystery Shack at night) I don't get it. You don't want the pig, you don't want my tapes, WHAT ARE YA GONNA BUY?! How about this delicious potion? Here, have a free sample. (Gives person the potion)

Traveler

(Drinks it, then stumbles around and collapses)

Stan

You should have bought my merch when you had the chance, buddy. But that's okay. I'll have something new for sale very soon. (Painting the person with glue) Heh heh heh heh...

Cut to the Mystery Shack at day. The person is in a glass case that says "THE CHEAPSKATE" on the front.

Stan

(Leading a tour group) And here we have our latest attraction: the legendary Cheapskate.

Girl

I saw it blinking.

Stan

Heh! Just an optical illusion.

Woman

(Takes picture)

Stan

(Leading group away) Come along, everyone. Step right up... AHAHAHA!

Traveler

(Pounds on glass)

Stan

(Returns) That's right, I'm a jerk!

Epilogue. Mabel is standing in front of the case and Dipper is reading on the Gift Shop counter.