Friday, January 3, 2014

parenting fails, 25 days old

First. I am really sorry. I am totally
behind on reading everyone’s blogs and commenting. I’m working on it, I swear. Right
now I’m just too busy failing as a parent to make time for thoughtful
commentary BUT I am reading. Comments soon to follow, scout’s honor.

And now, without
further adieu, eight ways[1]
I’ve failed as a parent in less than thirty days. At this rate, child
protective services is on their way who knows what gems the next 18 years will
hold!

1. Visits from guests who have not
demonstrated satisfactory immunization histories

Friends of ours
mentioned that they had once tried to visit another friend and her new baby
only to be turned away until they were up to date on ALL OF THEIR VACCINES AND
HAD RECORDS TO PROVE IT. We laughed our naïve little heads off for hours at
these silly, overly cautious and foolishly prudent parents. And then we cried.
Because we are bad, bad parents who barely required our guests to wash the snot
off their hands.

As my three
loyal readers already know, we
descended into the world of formula feeding last week after a few
unsatisfactory weight checks and what appears to be low milk supply <waves
to the crowd, gesturing at boobs>. And now, at least from what I can read on
the big, bad interwebs under the cover of night, deciding to supplement is
basically akin to feeding my delicate snowflake liquid poison/committing child
abuse AND all cans of formula should come equipped with (a) no fewer than four pre-written
rejection letters from ivy league schools and (b) referrals for a bevy of
psychotherapists. Dearest child, you’re
welcome.

4. Our empty baby book

Our empty baby
book. In which I have literally written not one word. But we did save the NYTimes
from the day he was born. Because he’ll DEFINITELY want to read coverage of the
“crisis” facing the Insane Clown Posse as of December 9, 2013. (And while I
haven’t written a thing in his baby book, I did totally give myself a GIANT pat
on the back for saving his itty-bitty hospital bracelet that looks like it
would fit around the ankle of an ant. I intend to present it to him at his high
school graduation/his first meeting with his probation officer. I’m pretty sure he’ll thank me.)

5. Allowing my
developing-bad-habits-as-quickly-as-possible newborn to sleep everywhere other
than his crib

I know. This is
a tired, old story. But nearly a month in, it still holds true. E will sleep
anywhere as long as it’s not in his crib. In my arms. In his stroller. In his
carseat. In C’s arms. In the arms of unwitting and possibly intoxicated
strangers encountered on the street in the dead of night. Etc. It’s a fine
balance because on one hand, you want him to sleep, but on the other hand… I
forget. I’m too tired.

6. Humiliating onesies

I have allowed
my son, on three non-consecutive occasions, to wear ridiculous and humiliating
onesies – Hand-Me-Downs all of them, I swear – that say things like “Daddy’s
little hero!” (above a little embroidered taxi cab because, um, obviously?) and
“I love hugs!”

In my defense,
on at least one of those occasions, it was 4 am and my adorable boy had just
sent a stream of hot urine at least a foot in the air, landing directly in his
left eye. As soon as I finished laughing hysterically[3],
I had to dress him as soon as possible and the little taxi cab number just
happened to be on top. <hangs head in shame>.

7. Baby as dinner napkin

As
aforementioned, see (5) supra, my
son, the little devil, prefers to sleep in my arms over literally everywhere
else. And because I’m nothing if not a pushover, I indulge him. Which means
that I eat most of my meals while he’s draped underneath me like a dinner
napkin. So far, I’ve pulled sandwich crumbs from his hair and pretzel crumbs
from the tiny folds of his neck – seriously, who knows what lives under there. And, if I’m being honest, it’s possible that a piece of veggie burger
got wedged somewhere in the depths of a striped SwaddleMe. So far he doesn’t
seem to mind.

8. More germs

As if our
unvaccinated visitors weren’t enough cause for health department concern, I
would be remiss not to mention the added germs[4]
of our beloved six-year-old Labrador retriever. Truth be told, during one lazy
afternoon breastfeeding marathon, during which I was glued to the couch and
allowing the Kardashians to parent my offspring, I may have looked on idly
as our dog did a drive-by lick of the baby’s bare newborn head AND his pacifier. Also, we let him have
a pacifier. I guess that’s nine
parenting fails. <Curtsy>.

Contemplative Ezra. Day 25. On which he looks like he's already about 10 years old and his mother weeps while mumbling some cliche about the passage of time. Scene.

[1] Truth: this started out as “five ways”
but then, wouldn’t you know it, I just
kept thinking of other ways I have failed.

16 comments:

LOL, #1 cracks me up, b/c my daughter was born in December and we were out and about with her almost immediately and had guests over all the time -- and I don't own a bottle of hand sanitizer, and it's never occurred to me to ask if someone had gotten a vaccination. I mean... geez... I hope I have the kind of friends who wash their hands after they pee, right?

Also, I think I've said this to you before, but DO NOT WORRY about creating bad sleep habits right now. During the 4th trimester (months 0-3 of life), it's all about getting baby to sleep HOWEVER THE HELL YOU CAN. He just went from being cradled in your womb 24/7 to being held only a tiny fraction of that - that's a drastic reduction for him, and he needs time to adjust just as you do. There is plenty of time to work on good sleep habits later - do not worry about it the first few months. It really doesn't matter, I promise.

You're doing a great job. It's overwhelming as hell in the beginning, but you'll find your rhythm, and it will get easier, I promise!

Aren't germs supposed to be, like, a *good* thing for kids to be exposed to now? It's the little ones in their sterile bubbles we need to worry about. I'd pretty sure you're on the cutting edge for great parenting with 1 and 8.

As for the 'Daddy's little hero' onesie: how could you? No, seriously.

Hey! You're doing a great job. I think you are funny and I'm willing to bet you're doing the absolute best you can, which makes you AWESOME. So it's in that spirit that I say, make sure you cut yourself some slack, ja? Promise? It's just that I have friends who hide behind humour to mask how they really feel, so I'm hyper over aware of it. Lecture over. Go kiss that cutie head!

The part about the ugly hand me down onesies with cheesy expressions is SO true. And WHY do they all have some type of transportation on them? Also true about dropping food on my baby. And hand washing? Oh dear. And are babies supposed to be sleeping in those things called cribs? Shit.

My baby daddy (and husband! and sperm donor! what a combo!) loves football. Therefore, we have been given numerous onesies with statements like "Daddy's little quarterback" because despite the fact that he's still in utero, we can't wait for his first concussion.According to Carters, Gerber, and the like, babies love super corny puns AND embroidery. Baby boys specifically like vehicles and monsters. Why.

Just be thankful that once you had Ezra, people didn't go out and buy every single pink outfit on the planet! Ugh. I maybe had one pink thing in my closet and now the house is full of Pepto Bismol pink!

Oh yeah, and I am guilty of most of these as well. We all do what we need to do to survive the first couple months!

This is hilarious... and so relatable! We got a hand-me-down onesie that had a picture of a dog, in sunglasses, and the words "I love sausages!" on it. How do any of these things relate to one another?! I imagine some poor woman in the Phillipines having to make that and being so confused as to what it all means...

And yeah, the baby-as-napkin thing -- I just dropped a huge splattering of chicken korma all over Max's face the other night! It wasn't piping hot or anything and he didn't seem to mind until I started to freak out, then he started to cry, then I started to laugh hysterically and it was really ridiculous. Defo a "please don't call Children's Aid" moment...