things are going better with my parents. I think with all their own shit and being so worn down too, they have been trying better at peace. I am as well. it is definitely a struggle...at times I feel completely alone, flashbacks of whatever year you want, including an awful last year when I moved back home. im pulled to gage my trust, my heart, with my own parents. this is too much a lot. with fresh wounds from losing my brother..and his family. I just told my mom the other night...I will not be in their life again. I tried, but the way he is treating this, I cant. I want to be happy. mom said she understood and said she had to have them in their lives as well. which I understand to a point...but they don't hold him accountable for anything. so as they say they love me and would do anything for me....their actions rip out my heart and shatter what bits of self worth ive built up. I cant understand it, it boggles my fucking mind everyday. my therapist said im trying to reason what is unreasonable. that my family dynamic is still strong, and holding. but im breaking away. I felt better after telling my mom this. also, a bit confused. but those are my boundaries. I honestly don't know how ive survived this long.

I have sinus surgery on Thursday. a bit nervous..hoping the aftermath wont be too bad. if it helps at all....its worth it.

with the autoimmune stuff....seeing both a rheum and gastro in bigger clinics 4 hours away. the 30th. im maxed on linzess still having constipation. it just sucks cuz when I have some movement, I eat, constipated again. everyday I work at it. im cutting down meals, smaller...now thinking I will try to go on more of a liquid diet. I dunno. its super annoying...makes me irritated but then I have to try and just deal..all I can do.also, had a few better days with the ebv. then I do too much and the flares start again. its horrible to feel limited physically. too much stress on the body I have to chill for at least a few days. but I get so bored I start to clean or whatever and then make it worse. im starting to manage it better. but sometimes I gotta get out of the fucking house. heat doesn't help. I thank god for clouds and rain. sometimes I get so stirred up in my head about how long this will last. is there a solution? I cant go that way it just leads to thoughts of death. so day by day I try to take it. but it seems this day by day shit has gone on too long. just want answers...

want to move on with my life. go back to school, and be financially stable before my parents go.

I was traveling yesterday, so busy. so today I get the payback.I cant take nsaids until after surgery. so Tylenol is my only go to and sometimes it doesn't cut it.

hate being negative and feeling this way. I know these flares mess with me mentally too.

a good thing is im trying to build up self esteem with my therapist. but things seem so unsure right now. I will try to focus on this and let go of what I cannot control.