Looking across the landscape of contemporary culture

Celibacy

The magazine section of BBC Online did a piece on celibacy recently. On the day it was posted it was the ‘most read’ story on the whole BBC site for a few hours, perhaps because the editors were clever enough to give it the title “What is a life without sex like?”

I helped with the article, and they posted my own reflections in full on a separate page, which I have copied here:

On 13 July 1997 I made a lifelong commitment to celibacy. In a chapel overlooking Lake Albano on the outskirts of Rome I promised to remain unmarried ‘for the sake of the kingdom and in lifelong service to God and mankind’.

I had a real sense of peace that day, but a few months earlier I had been in turmoil. I knew all the theory: Catholic priests were following the example of Christ; celibacy gave you a freedom to serve others, etc. But it hadn’t become real for me.

I was wrestling with all this one afternoon that spring. I realised that I had been seeing celibacy in negative terms: ‘No’ to marriage, ‘No’ to sex, ‘No’ to children – when in reality it was a profound ‘Yes’. It was a way of putting Christ at the centre of your life, of giving your whole heart to those you would serve as a priest. It was a way of loving others with a generosity that wouldn’t be possible if you were a husband and father. Celibacy wasn’t a negation or a denial – it was a gift of love, a giving of oneself, just as much as marriage could be.

My experience over the years has confirmed this. Yes, there are practical aspects to celibacy. You’ve got more time for other people, and more time for prayer. You can get up at three in the morning to visit someone in hospital without worrying about how this will affect your marriage. You can move to a bleak estate in a rough part of town without thinking about how this will impact on your children’s schooling.

But celibacy is something much deeper as well. There is a place in your heart, in your very being, that you have given to Christ and to the people you meet as a priest. You are not just serving them, you are loving them as if they were the very centre of your life – which they are. I think Catholics sense this. They know that you are there for them with an undivided heart, and it gives your relationship with them a particular quality.

It’s true that you can’t speak from experience about every aspect of human life. But you gain an awful lot of understanding from sharing in people’s lives over the years. Husbands and wives will confide in a sympathetic priest. You end up drawing on this experience as you preach and counsel people. Besides, people want a priest because he will show them the love of Christ, and not because he has lived through all ups and downs that they live through.

There are struggles. Times of loneliness; sexual desires; dreams about what marriage and fatherhood would be like. I don’t think most of this is about celibacy – it’s about being human. The husbands I know struggle with the same things, only they dream about what it would be like to have married someone else! What matters is trying to be faithful, instead of pretending that another way of life would be easy.

You need balance in your life, you can’t be giving all the time – this was emphasised in our training. You need affection and human intimacy. I’ve got some wonderful friends. I get home to see my family every couple of weeks. I escape to the cinema now and then. And I pray. Not to fill the gaps, because some of them can never be filled, but because the love of Christ is something very real and very consoling.

I’ve been incredibly happy as a priest over these twelve years. I don’t think about celibacy a lot now – it’s just part of my life. But I’m aware that it gives me a freedom of heart that is a unique gift. It helps me stay close to Christ, and draws me closer to the people I meet each day.

A lovely reflection, Fr. Stephen. I particularly enjoyed the line, ‘people want a priest because he will show them the love of Christ, and not because he has lived through all ups and downs that they live through.’

God bless you in your work. Our young men in training to be priests need such good, guiding hands as yours.

Many thanks Fr Stephen for your reflection on celibacy. We live in challenging times and I am grateful to read what you have written.

I have worked alongside with many wonderful men who are imbued with the presence of Christ and live celibate lives. I am also aware that as a married man, I am also celibate with every human being – except one. Could it be that this very same fidelity is amplified by men like yourself who dedicate themselves to Christ through the focus on others?

You are an example of of a person who is responding to an invitation and is being drawn to the Lord. A beautiful example/witness of union.

Like Terry, I particularly appreciated the line ‘people want a priest because he will show them the love of Christ, and not because he has lived through all ups and downs they live through’. I have been fortunate enough to meet several wise Priests who have gained their wisdom through prayer, contemplation and helping lay people with their lives. Wonderful and inspiring men, every one of them.

A “real” man is able to control his sexual desires.
I believe that God TRANSFORMS (through grace) those sexual desires into something positive: for example, creative energy in writing, painting, sculptor, and so on. Shakespeare’s The Tempest is about many things, but one of them i think, is about how animal instincts can be transformed into something creative. Caliban attempts rape. But when he is transformed by grace, amazing things happen – I think Shakespeare writes some of his most beautiful poetry through the lips of Caliban: “Be not afeard: the isle is full of noises, Sounds and sweet airs that give delight, and hurt not. Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments Will hum about mine ears; and sometime voices, That, if I then had wak’d after long sleep, Will make me sleep again; and then, in dreaming, The clouds methought would open and show riches Ready to drop upon me, that, when I wak’d, I cried to dream again.”
= Magic (grace).

At a physical level sexual desire can be transformed into positive energy in sport, war (soldier), working in the fields / factory.

“Real” men are able to control their sexual desire and ask God to TRANSFORM it into something positive / creative (as opposed to suppress = wrong ..). Rather than asking God to take away sexual desire, we should ask Him to TRANSFORM it into something positive / creative. Above all into something that allows us to love others without anything sexual about it.

Just wanted to add. It’s only in the last year or so that The Eucharist has been really important to me. It’s, always, been important, but now i find it has some extraordinary transforming power with desire in me. I don’t just mean physical desire, but that general desire to want stuff (things, prestige, money, always wanting something – a body “sick with desire” as Yeats put it).

I actually think that desire, itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. For example, the “sick with desire” desire can be transformed by God into a positive desire to follow God, love God and neighbour, and so on.

And there’s something extraordinary going on, can’t quite put my finger on it, of Our Lord like us in human form but without sin – without “sick with desire”. Jesus – flesh and blood. And in Holy Communion we, somehow, are transformed from the old Adam – “sick with desire” – to more of the new Adam.

Pretty subjective stuff. What does the Eucharist mean to you? How do you feel after thinking about it during Mass, praying to God with others during Mass, and so on? And what it must feel for a priest who says the Mass?
Been a Catholic all my life. It’s only recently that i’ve only discovered how beautiful and powerful and true transubstantiation really is (although a mystery, still, of course).

And sorry for digressing / being subjective. Would love to hear what others think / feel about this subject.

Vic thank you for this way of looking at celibacy. “I am also aware that as a married man, I am also celibate with every human being – except one.”

In this way I now understand and relate to celibacy in a far deeper way. To be able to have a loving sharing and intimate relationship with my dearest friends without sexual expression is something I took for granted, I do this without question or thinking about it, its just natural. I never thought about that before. Me celibate with my family, friends and the world.

Ed that was brilliant for me. The ultimate intimate closeness, when one becomes one with christ whilst recieving him in the Eucharist is something I am forbidden from :O( . For me Intense heart wrenching pain every mass. So now I have a red wine before mass and have some private time just me in stillness with Him. Of course its not the same but a comfort none the less.

Instead my creativity allows me to become intimately close and one with Him in other ways. Some of the most beautiful poetry ever written has been written out of aching desire. As a result of being creatively open to The Holy Spirit my life is blessed with the deepest Love that I believe a human being can ever feel towards both God and another human being.

Ed….ref; “is about how animal instincts can be transformed into something creative.”

If we as humans are fully blessed and one with the Holy Spirit, It also of course is the deepest and most intimate expression of tenderness and union between you and the percon you Love the most in the world.

and therefor for me not of animal instinct but of Gods deepest blessing.

Thank you, Father Stephen, for insight into a very personal aspect of the Priesthood, as well as into the Church.
As a woman who was reared in the Protestant Church (although mother was Catholic) I became Catholic and received my first Holy Communion in 1989. Thus, my knowledge of the Catholic faith comes from active learning rather than an accumulation of years.
I agree with Ed that God will transform desires into something positive – if/when one is receptive. But circumstances also can remove desires . . . is it Grace or exhaustion?
Men and women are different, not only in their relationship to each other but in their relationship to the Church and perhaps to God.
As a woman having a child in later life, my job, as it were, is to rear my daughter in the best possible way; I believe that is God’s plan. But one only has so much energy, and home and family do take its’ toll on a mother.
I do believe that in this respect, men and women are totally different, and I defer to the male perspective related to the Church and celibacy.
I believe that it is God’s plan that some things are meant to be experienced (or lived) alone by a woman or by a man. And following the same thought, perhaps God’s plan for a person was diverted by that person him (or her) self, and in later life that person experiences Grace which only comes after the “giving up” of other things.
The beauty and power of transubstantiation is a mystery that some will never know, or understand, or can even relate to. But some people do experience the wonder of God in other ways, and that is not to be dismissed. God does appear in all aspects of daily life, one just needs to look.
Over all, nothing is easy; either the transforming or the giving up. One needs to be proactive in order for anything to happen; God is there, Always, but one must also do their part.

All the above makes great sense. I truly believe that God is Love, and that there is but one deeper than deep God Blessed triune Love between us and another being (including God), and that often one can not understand the truth of this until it blesses us.

Sometimes this Love has to be permantly denied in terms of sexual union. because of exhaustion or distance or circumstance or vocation or for what ever reasons.

If we are mature enough to understand that sexual desire can be transformed by Grace and faith (not to mention the decency, trust and goodness of us as individuals), into something creative.

Then we will also understand that the same Grace can allow us to live out the fullness of those God blessed relationships with maturity, and still with intimacy, closeness, kindness and Love, whilst although still being celibate not having been denied anything, but with Grace gaining everything. For this I am sure is Gods will.

I want Grace to mean:- having respect and ease with, and not to be aloof from, or to deprive ourselves of the very essence of the relationships which we Love and choose to have in our lives.

I want Grace to mean having peace and care for, and not force, neither shy away from, nor fail to share honest, open and uncomfortable dialogue in the relationships that challenge us and make us grow.

I want Grace to mean, to be happy to share and embrace, and not deny ourselves or others the intimacy and friendship that mature and mutual sharing could otherwise bless us with.

I want Love and Grace to be kindred in spirit.

I have learnt that having Grace means having poise whilst being blessed enough to express Love and kindness.

I have learnt that having Grace means understanding that our outpouring of Love is a one way gift with no return. A gift which goes hand in hand with God’s Love for us.

I have learnt that Grace means being prayerful in our Love, understanding Gods relationship within our relationships, and remaining mindful and open and giving, To be filled with gratitude for the Love that we can give in every aspect of our lives. An outpouring of self.

Bo , I keep reading your post over and over again. Are you saying that we can only experience Grace if we give up physical Love or the desire of it ?

Are you saying it is one or the other ? The most amazing couples whose Grace I have been inspired by, were living in loving and God blessed relationships.

“Men and women are different, not only in their relationship to each other but in their relationship to the Church and perhaps to God.”

Thankyou for reminding me of this. I am interested to understand more deeply how/why and in what ways they are different. How is their relationship different to God compared to that of a women. How different is the relationship towards church between man and woman. And if a man Loves a woman how does that differ in the way that she Loves him. Can you explain a little deeper, I think to understand this may give me more clarity and understanding.

I did not mean that one needs to give up physical love in order to experience Grace. I was giving an example of being celibate due to over work, and that certainly is not recommended for long term happiness in a married couple!
I have found that when I stop focusing on a particular desire, ambition (promotion at work), project (need that new addition on the house), that I find joy in the little things. The beauty of fresh air in the morning, the laugh of my child, the sound of the pony chewing his feed. Those little things are my Grace, my connection to God.

I guess sometimes the long term happiness of a couple has to be based around a learnt grace, because of a certain level of celibacy which is not of the couples, or both partners choosing.

I then believe that the Grace with which God can fill all our senses is one of extreme detail and awareness of all things beautiful and other wise hidden. Where as a gift we are given His eyes to view things with.

like the taste of honey on ones lips when out walking the lanes in the summer eves. Or the subtle realization that the different birds in the garden live in community and relationship with each other, often helping each other. Of the scent of rain on different leaves, or the smell of ozone when the tide is out and yet the sea is a mile away. Or like the sensetivity of the fingertips on a dying loved ones skin.

But not only in celibacy do these Grace filled moments bless us. Where ever the veil between us and Him is stretched finest (perhaps when experiencing the intimate moments of birth, the helplessness and poignancy of death or the intensisty and sacrednesss of Love, perhaps in prayer and contemplation as well as in priestly celibacy) I guess that is just the begining of where Grace becomes our being.

By “animal instincts” i meant “animal instincts” in the case of those who live celibate lives.
Obviously sex (within the moral context as laid down by the Church) is another matter and a wondeful thing.
Transformation occurs in the first case (animal instincts transformed into a creative, positive force) and in a sense, in the second, too, where the loving, married couple are making love (as opposed to merely having sex) and best of all with the purpose of procreation. And, without meaning to sound flippant, i’ve always thought that immoral sex isn’t just “immoral” it’s, also, unsexy (the sex between a loving, married couple, with ultimately, the intention of procreation is a million times more sexy). Rather than have unsexy sex (which, also, happens to be immoral), rather the Lord the blessed one by transforming “animal instincts” into a creative, positive and magical (sounds a bit trite – but i think “magic” is another word for grace) force.
Both scenarios are different but equally good.
Lastly, married couples, from time-to-time (perhaps more frequently, perhaps not) can opt for periods of celibacy, too, where they can experience the magic of celibacy, as well. But they have the choice, of course, of dipping back in and enjoying the magic of married sex.
Either way, in the right moral context, God blesses all.

About this blog

Looking across the landscape of contemporary culture - at the arts, science, religion, politics, philosophy; sorting through the jumble; seeing what stands out, what unsettles, what intrigues, what connects, what sheds light. Father Stephen Wang is a Catholic priest in the Diocese of Westminster, London. He is currently Senior University Chaplain, based at Newman House Catholic Chaplaincy. [Banner photo with kind permission of Matthew Powell]

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