Saturday, December 31, 2005

OK, since someone (grainne) has asked about the DZERette rules, I put some thought into it, trying to decide how to best codify the standards, expectations, moral duties and social mores of theDZERettes.

Well, since the first laws were based on religion, I thought it fitting to start things off with:

The DZERette Commandments.

1. I am the Deeze thy DZER. Thou shalt not have any other DZERs before me … or after me.

2.Thou shalt not take the name of the DZER in vain … unless you’re nekkid and spanking his ass at the same time.

More to come ...In the future, you can expect the following documents, in no particular order, which will serve to further the codification of the DZERettes:

• The DZER Manifesto• The Declaration of DZERpendence• The Magna DZER• The DZERburgh Address• The DZER Doctrine• The complete and unabridged DZERpedia• The Tao of DZER• Emily Post's DZERette-iquette

~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~

DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that I'm full of both myself and shit. Yes, I recognize that I am a huge fucking ham. Yes, all the buttons that are now scattered around the blogosphere are a HUGE boost to my ego.

Friday, December 30, 2005

In my sophomore year of high school, because of a stupid schoolyard brawl, I lost my shot at fulfilling my dream. I dislocated my shoulder trying to throw a guy I had picked up into a wall when he slipped out and my arm hit the concrete wall at an odd angle. In retrospect, it's probably lucky he slipped out, or I would have probably been arrested for assault or murder or something along those lines.

Anyway, for the next several years, my shoulder chronically would dislocate whenever I extended my arm past 90 degrees straight out to the side of my body — past 90 degrees up or back — and it would pop out of its socket. I dislocated it playing basketball, football, play fighting, rolling over in bed wrong, trying to avoid someone poking me.

That kind of chronic problem prevented me from entering the profession of my dreams, kept me from doing what I wanted to do for a living for most of my childhood, adolescence and teen years.

No, I didn't want to be a professional football player. I did want to play football at a top-level college, and wouldn't have said now if I did and then had been drafted, but what I really wanted to be was a wrassler.

Not a wrestler ... a wrassler.

I wanted to be a pro wrassler, like some of my favorites: Andre the Giant, Hulk Hogan, Bruno Sammartino, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, the Road Warriors, etc.

Yes, I know it's not REAL, but damn it always looked so fun and cool and dangerous and wild. I actually went to a few matches when living in Texas, as wrestling was huge then, way before the WWF (now WWE) and WCW became really huge. I got to meet a bunch of wrestlers, some who became famous in the bigger organizations laters.

Watching pro wrasslin' was a family event — we all loved it. My dad loved watching it, so did my brothers and sisters. Guam loves wrasslin' — it was great Saturday afternoon viewing.

But wrasslin' involves a lot of shoulder work — body slams, nelsons (both full and half), chicken wings, even basic thrown-into-ropes stuff. So I had to give up the dream.

Never would ...

... The Mighty DZER

stalk the rings and strike fear into the hearts of his opponents.

*sigh*

c'est la vie ...

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:• The Chamorro word for "wrestling" is "áffulo'."

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Guess what? New Year’s Day is further away than you think. Not a lot further, just a little bit.

You’ll have to hold off kissing someone for an entire second. That’s right; scientists have figured out that 2005 is short — by one second. So they’re gonna add one second to all the atomic clocks, as you may have seen on the wire news reports.

It’s a leap second. I guess they couldn’t wait around until the next leap year to get the whole thing sorted out.

The blame falls on the time it takes the Earth to orbit, which can be affected by ocean tides. Maybe it was the tsunami, or Hurricane Katrina that threw it off.

And it’s not the first time it’s been done. The first time a leap second was added as June 30, 1972, by the the U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology. What’s weird is that there’s an official international standard-settings agency charged with making sure we stay THAT on time — International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service.

Oh, did you also know that beyond Eastern, Central and Pacific Standard Time there is THE time standard? Coordinated Universal Time. Yep. Think anyone outside of Earth follows that standard? LOL Also, oddly enough, there have never been negative leap seconds, even though they are possible.

And now for something not completely different

Ugh. New Year’s Eve is quickly approaching. I don’t have plans, not really. And I really don’t WANT plans, I think. Co-workers are constantly asking what everyone’s plans are, if they’re going to parties, if they’re going to watch the fireworks, from what place are they going to watch the fireworks, is it safe from the incessant gunfire associated with the holiday? LOL

I think what I’m going to do is lounge around my favorite strip club. That way, not only will I get to watch gorgeous naked women, but I will be pretty much ensured of getting a smooch or three too boot … and the good kisses, with lots of stripper tongue and tit/ass gropes during the smooch! Heh.

NEW FEATURE!!• Tired of missing out on all the fun by coming late to a new post on DZER’s Diatribe? Wish you knew exactly when a new post was made? Need extra crap filling up your e-mail inbox?

Well you’re in luck!! Check out the sidebar to the right. You can now SUBSCRIBE to DZER’s Diatribe! Get an e-mail alert every time I post!

Umm … just remember that I post kind of often. And sometimes I’ll see part of my post that I need to redo or fix, so I have to go back in and do that and then repost. So sometimes you might get 5 e-mail alerts about the same post. Now you can’t say you haven't been forewarned.

DZERette Alert!!• The first rule of the DZERettes: You must always be ready and presentable for the DZER.• The 6th rule of the DZERettes: Don’t post the DZER’s ass on your Web site or you will be spanked … unless you like being spanked, then you will get tickled … unless you like being tickled … then you will be stroked and petted … unless …

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:• Guam and the Commonwealth of the Northern Marianas are in the Chamorro Standard Time Zone, which was just recently changed from “the middle of nowhere where them brown jungle people live,” or something similar...

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I feel that it's important for everyone to, once in a while, indulge themselves. Treat themselves to something nice or special. To do something for yourself that it's unlikely anyone else will do for you.

Now I'm not advocating doing this all that regularly, at least not the big expensive indulgences, or you will wind up in major debt awfully quick. LOL

Mostly I'm talking about small indulgences. Getting the $5 coffee. Ordering steak instead of a burger, or lobster instead of the fish. Buying the REALLY nice shirt instead of the nice, functional shirt. Getting a massage, or spending the day at the spa. Getting the personal lap dance instead of just tipping the stripper at the stage.

But every once in a GREAT while, you need to treat yourself extra special.

Traditionally, I do this for myself for Christmas or my birthday, or inbetween.

My birthday, for those of you who don't know but want to send me a card, or a present, or naked pics of yourself — not YOU, mike and sabledawn! geez! LOL — or homemade cookies or something, is on Jan. 15.

Any way, I do this to ensure that I get one really nice gift for Christmas and/or my birthday that I really, really wanted. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I get shitty presents from friends and family, but for the kind of items I'm talking about, I don't expect friends or family to pony up that kind of cash. Yes, I'm talking about relatively expensive items.

Today was an indulgence day. Ta-dah:Yet, new golf clubs to go along with my new putter! LOL

It should be noted that I got the clubs on sale. It also should be noted that the entire set of clubs I bought was cheaper than the putter. Hmm ... I guess some of my friends DO pony up for the "big-ticket" items. LOL

And I will be putting the clubs and the putter to use this weekend. :oD

BLOG UPDATES GALORE!• First of all, there is a new erotica piece up at DZEROTICA, entitled "Hot Tub Fantasy."

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

“The telephone conversation is, by its very nature, reactive, not reflective. Immediacy is its prime virtue. The immediacy delivers quick company, instant stimulation; the stimulation is cathartic; catharsis pushes back anxiety; into open space flows the kind of thought generated by electric return.”Vivian Gornicksociologist and author

I’m giving serious consideration to giving up my telephonic devices, or at least some of them.

I have a residential line at my home. It’s a 2.4 Ghz G.E. cordless model with a digital answerer. It features instant redial, tons of memory for stored numbers, programming, all kinds of channels and more. You can make memos, record cool messages and other stuff.

I have three numbers in the memory, two of them are to one person — her home and cell. The other is my mom … I think.

I don’t use any of those numbers much. I don’t use the features on my phone hardly at all.

In fact, it’s rare for me to get calls. Or to make calls. And that’s even counting work-related calls, sadly. Without those, it would be pitiful. OK, so it’s already pitiful; it would just get worse than pitiful, I suppose.

“All alone by the telephone.”Irving Berlinsongwriter

I used to talk on the phone quite often. I made — and received — a lot of long-distance calls. I had to purchase special long-distance phone cards because I made so many calls; I even bought them for friends who I frequently made long-distance calls to, because the deal was so good. The cards were perfect for one or two phone calls of long duration, which were the kind of calls I made and received.

I used to talk for hours and hours on the phone. About something, about nothing; about things of intense importance and things of little or no consequence. I would talk dirty, and be talked dirty to — and yes, I mean phone sex. I would talk sweetly, and be talked sweetly to.

But life changes and, apparently, so do phone habits. I have all these phone numbers in the back of my address book, dozens of chatters with whom I used to chat over the phone as well. Some of them I haven’t called for years and years. For others, it’s only been months, but the gaps between the calls get further and further apart.

But, then again, I don’t chat for even a fraction of the time I used to. I wonder how I ever got anything really done back then — all my “free” time seemed to be spend in chatrooms and/or on the phone. Of course, that’s been replaced by something much more productive and life-enhancing and interactive — blogging, and commenting on blogs. LOL

“I’ve suffered from all of the hang-ups known,And none is as bad as the telephone."Richard Armourpoet

I was never much on talking to people on the phone I could talk to in person. Why chat on the phone with someone for hours on end when you could just drive to his or her house, or meet them at a bar or a place to grab coffee and talk there?

But I still had any number of people I called, or who called me. If nothing else, to meet up and have those conversations. To grab lunch. To meet for drinks or dinner. To hang out together.

I don’t know so many of those people any longer. They’ve moved to the states. Or gotten married. Or otherwise disappeared. Or else, I have disappeared from their lives. I’m never really sure anymore who drifted away from whom.

“Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant —No! no! I mean an elephoneWho tried to use the telephone —"Laura Elizabeth Richardspoet

I also have a cell phone. It’s not used very often. The plan I have is way too much for how little I do use it; I need to remind myself to change it before the month begins. From Dec. 16 to 27, I have received 10 calls — 8 of them from work, 1 for poker, 1 from a friend. From Dec. 13 to 27, I made 10 calls — 6 to work, 2 calling back wrong numbers, 1 in response to poker call, 1 to a friend. In that span, there have been roughly 2 or 3 missed calls.

None of the calls I made or received lasted for any significant duration.

So why the hell do I have a cell phone, really? So I can be reached by the hordes of people who aren’t calling me all the time? I have a pager, after all, and there’s always a payphone, or someone else with a cell phone that I can borrow to answer a page.

You know what’s sad? It gets even more pathetic than never being called or never making calls, or at least never making calls that last for any real length of time.

I save the sparse, few messages that have been left on my answering machine, at least the ones from people I wish I had been home, or awake, to take their calls, which pretty much breaks down to one person. I used to have 14 messages of hers saved. I’d replay them when I got particularly lonely, just to listen to her voice saying, “Hey. It’s me. Are you sleeping already? OK, bye.” Or something similar. I lost all of those in the last big power outage here, but I do have two later ones saved up.

OK, let’s not call that pathetic. Let’s call it “sweet.” How about “endearing?” Perhaps “obsessive?” LOL

I guess a big part of the problem is the whole “on the other side of the world” thing. When I’m waking up, most everyone else is stateside is still at work or just getting home. Stateside afternoon to evening hours are pretty much me stuck at the office. Sure, I get home during lunch now and then, but that’s dinner time for most folks. And even though I’m up to all hours of the night, like 2 or 3 a.m. on a regular basis, for everyone over there that time is them waking up, getting ready for work and then going to work.

Yet another strong reason for a need to move — added on to the fact that only chicks who seem to find me attractive all live in the mainland United States.

“He lingered for some word she wouldn’t say,Said it at last himself, ‘Good-night,’ and then,Getting no answer, closed the telephone.”Robert Frostpoet

Monday, December 26, 2005

I wish we celebrated Boxing Day here in the "colonies." It would give us another day of celebration and non-working to do.

Monday was the official holiday for Christmas at the office, but I did have to put in a few hours. Not that I minded — it meant some double-time hours ... sweet!

Also, feasted up on some leftover ham — yummy! Woke up early, napped a bit, then got up and watched the Bears secure the division title and a first-round bye in the playoffs! Woohooo!! An extra added bonus that they did it by beating Favre and the Packers. Heh.

Got a little shopping done too, some great post-holiday sales out there. I got a new, small microwave to replace my old one, which is more than a decade old and has been malfunctioning now and then. I also did some household/grocery shopping.

Between all of that, I got into the office for a while and knocked out the pages and other work I needed to get done, then it was home again for watching DVDs. I saw "Serenity" — not bad, but not great. It was a fun little sci-fi flick. Next up will be "American Pie Band Camp." Not expecting much from it, but it is in the series and I liked the other three. I know it's not good cinema or top-flight acting, but they are fun and funny films, for the most part.

Also on the agenda for this week: "Shooting Gallery," as well as older movies — "Down with Love;" "Born Romantic;" and "Around the World in 80 Days," the Jackie Chan version.

I'm also close to finishing up a new erotica piece; will try to get that up by tomorrow.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:• One of the traditions following Christmas is the procession of the Niño. The parish priest and altar servers take around the Niño, the Christ child from the Nativity, to houses in the village, so that everyone has a chance to kiss the baby Jesus.

Here’s the Guam version of ’Twas the Night Before Christmas, which was written by me and my buddy Jojo back in 2000. It has since become a staple for the front page of the newspaper on Christmas Eve, and it often gets sent and re-sent around that e-mail circle of forwardings galore. A lot of it is inside jokes; you have to know a lot about the island and culture to get some of the references ... but if you ask nicely I will try to explain. LOL

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all over the isle,The stores were jampacked, lines as long as a mile.Midnight Masses were done, some as early as 10,Then it was back to the house, to make kelaguen.The kids were watching wrestling, should have been in their beds,While visions of boñelos dagu cha-cha-cha'd through their heads.

My five dogs were all barking, as the midnight hour came near,And Santa came calling, but with carabao, not reindeer.He landed on the roof with such a bump and a shakeThat I jumped up and ran, thinking, "Laña! Earthquake!"To the window I flew, then I cursed and I muttered,Because it, like the rest, was still typhoon-shuttered.So I ran out of the house to our kitchen outdoors,As the coconut trees swayed along white sandy shores,When what before my wondering eyes did appear now,But a miniature bullcart and eight miniature carabao,With a little manamko' driver, so lively and quick,I knew in a moment that it had to be Tun Nick.

With a clatter of big hooves, his carabao they came,He said "Sst, hoy!" and then called them by name;Now Junior! Now Nene! Now Tita and Ding!Hafa Ko! Hafa Doll! Hafa 'Sus and Ping!To the top of the pickup! to the top of the tin!Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away again!Tun Nick landed his own sled, right there on our roof,So I looked for a Polaroid, so I would have proof.

He was dressed all in red, from his foot to his head,He didn't wear boots, but jingle-belled yore' instead.His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!And his nose was red as the signs that spelled "Geri."He came down the roof, wondering where he should go to,And his big bushy beard was as white as some potu.He had a broad face and a little round tummy,Which he rubbed happily as he ate guyuria so yummy.

He spoke not a word as he put presents under the tree,A seven-day bracelet for the wife, a new machete for me.The kids all got scooters, betel nut cutters for Tun Ben,Then he turned to go and almost knocked over the bilén.Ai adai, it was plenty hot, so he loosened his collar,Then sprang to the roof and to his team gave a holler.The carabao flew off, carrying Santa over the sea,And he yelled out: "Felis Pasgua! And to all, esta ki!"

Sunday, December 25, 2005

I’m hoping that this post will clear the air about my chat handle and nom de blog, DZER. In fact, this eventually will go up on the sidebar as a permanent link for curious future folks who find my blog. LOL

I’m making this post to answer some of the questions behind the name DZER — how it’s pronounced, acceptable spellings and shortenings of it, etc. I’ve heard/gotten these questions from several different readers of my blog, and I guess I never got around to doing it, though I thought I did. LOL

I tried to record an audioblog to go with this, but the system was acting up and the playback was at chipmunk speed. So, you lose out on my very deep and sexy voice. ;)

1. The correct, formal spelling: D - Z - E - R

1.a. I like to keep it all caps. But that’s a personal preference; it isn’t an acronym for anything, though one of my old chat handles was “Daring Zebras Eat Rigatoni.” LOL ... but I won't kick a hot chick out of bed for writing it "Dzer" or even "dzer."

2. Acceptable variations: D; Dz; Deeze; and, in a pinch, Dzr. That’s it. Four different letters, a few different varieties. Big D or Big Daddy also are acceptable … heh. My all-time most irritating version I’ve read way too often: “DEZR.” Some folks in my old chatting place would always spell it that way. Urk.

4. DZER isn’t some made-up net name. My good friend Jojo was the one who started calling me DZER a lot back in our college days. In fact, he’s the one who got me my college graduation ring. Engraved on the inside of the band: DZER.

4.a. No, I am not and never have been gay … LOL. Jojo and I were really close in college and did just about everything together. He got me the ring because I helped him graduate on time by getting him through eight full classes — 24 credits.

5. DZER, in Latvian, means “drink.”

6. Dzerzhinsk is a city in western Russia. It was given its current name in 1929. It was renamed after Feliks Dzerzhinsky, founder of the Soviet secret police.

Random Guam Fact Of The Day:• One of the most well-used, and well-received, Chamorro phrases is: "Maila fan boka!" It means, basically, "Please come eat!"

Since grainne has demanded it, here's my breakdown of Christmas Eve with my godsons and family, into the wee hours of Christmas morning ...

Here's me about 9 p.m., getting ready to head over —Santa Big Daddy. I had to stop by a gas station convenience store first to pick up some sodas, and did that. As I was loading the cases into my passenger-side door, I looked over and saw this family by the air station. The mom was adding air to the front tire, but her little 3- or 4-year-old was staring at me, wide-eyed with jaw dropped.

It hit me then: He's a little kid looking at a jolly, fat man wearing a red shirt and glasses, with a Santa hat. He was thinking, "Omigod! Is that ... HIM?"

I drove by on my way out and waved, callling, "Merry Christmas!" He managed a wave. His mom was clueless, her attention focused on the tire. I wonder about the discussion afterward. LOL

This is MOST of the spread of gifts at the house — there were a few more added later and I forgot to update the pic. That's a LOT of loot! LOL

Here's me with all the boys. From left: godson Jordan, their cousin Aaron, godson Aidan, and cousin Indera. Yes, Indera looks pouty and about to cry in the photo, but I fixed that after with a patented "lift the kid over my head so they're flying" move. He was all giggles after that.

I pretty much spent about 1-1/2 to 2 hours being the giant, living jungle gym for them — picking them up, tossing them around, letting them jump on me, etc. Now Aidan is a LOAD these days ... just one of them big boys. The others are all light and bony, so they're easy to toss around. With Aidan I have to brace and lift carefully LOL. The poor guy knows it too; I can't press him over my head anymore and he's all like, "It's OK, Nino. I'm too heavy." Aww ... so of course I lift him and rock him around in all kinds of other ways, and let him take running jumps onto me. LOL

Of course there was food! Look at that spread! God, I was soooooo full ... yet again. LOL

I barely managed to eat dessert ... just a little fruit salad.

But Ri made me a big balutan (take home food platter), filled with all my favorites (had it for breakfast, yum!). She also made sure I got coconut cream pie, banana cream pie, pumpkin pie and more of the delicious fruit salad. Yum again! LOL

The present opening was pure carnage, even with two trash bags stationed to the sides to get all the wrapping paper, ribbons, bows and packaging. The kids all seemed to get stuff that they really liked — Aidan got one of those super-fancy and realistic light sabres ... Jordan got a ton of science stuff and a Zathura book and game (we just hope he doesn't expect meteors and space flight to happen when they pay it! LMAO) ... Aaron Power Ranger and Dragonball Z stuff ... Indera was infatuated with a little bus thing.

Everyone else seemed to get the stuff they wanted and liked their gifts.

I got some cool Brian Urlacher (from my fave football team, the Chicago Bears) figurines, some books on DVD, a golf shirt (Izod, nice), gift certificate at this awesome restaurant that I love (woohooo) and the SNL version of Trivial Pursuit. The piece de resistance ... a Two-Ball putter from Odyssey, a putter I've wanted for months and months, but couldn't bring myself to spend the money on ... it's not a cheap putter LOL

Anyway ... that's how it went for me. Hope your Christmas Eve/Christmas went well and that all of you got some good loot and great food!