Monday, March 16, 2009

Meghan McCain: What Are You Doing This Friday?

Meghan's Law...

In the past few weeks, wingnut America has been going through a rough break-up with two of its most visible females of breeding age, and by "most visible" I really mean the only young women even tangentially associated with the Republican party, conservative movement, or whatever they're calling themselves these days. In this case the tangential connection is by birth and nothing else, of course I speak of official baby-mamma Bristol Palin, and almost first daughter Meghan McCain. Both of these girls were one-time, officially designated "young people", back when the GOP had to worry about winning an election, but now that they've given up on appealing to anyone with an education or under 40, it's time to move on. You know how it goes, it's not you, it's us, we've moved on and now it's time to divide up the friends, CDs and delete names from cell phones.

In Bristol's case she hasn't been excommunicated so much as fallen down the memory hole, now that she's said--in the understatement of the year--that abstinence education is "not realistic" (says the pregnant 17 year-old) and made the selfish choice not to ruin her life. Now that she's gone from being the living embodiment of everything the right-wing hopes young women will aspire to--i.e. dumb, pregnant, and handcuffed for life to someone equally clueless. Today's bewildered teenage parents means a healthy supply of tomorrow's cannon fodder, it's the wingnutcircle of life, and now that Bristol has turned into a living contradiction of said values, she can merely fade away, never to be seen by Greta Van Sustern again. I'm not so much interested in Bristol--I mean, despite being single, she still has a kid, and is thus completely off my radar--and besides Jon Swift says everything that needs to be said here.

Young hearts, run free...

However, I am interested in the fate of Meghan McCain. Who is now suffering the full ire of the right's true believers, who in a typically hemorrhoidal fit are now fully enraged and inflamed by McCain's apostasy. It all started when Meghan called Ann Coulter"offensive, insulting and radical" in TheDaily Beast, where she wished that the public face of Republican women wasn't a shrill, leathery, tranny. She then went on Rachel Maddow's show to discuss her "beef" with Coulter, and her hopes that the party of her family would moderate their image by reaching out beyond paranoid shut-ins and social reactionaries. The online right already blames her father for losing the election due to his cowardly refusal to expose Obama as the Communist sleeper agent we all know he is, so their reaction to his mouthy daughter talking shit has been to call her a fat slut. Costco Coulter, Laura Ingraham was first out of the gate when she told her to shut up and called and her a "plus size model." Here are some other shots at Meghan, all culled from the indispensableRoy Edroso:

-Michelle Malkin says, if she's such a Republican, how come she likes the "comedy" of foreign, un-American lech Russell Brand? Says Malkin, "How, exactly, does Ms. McCain reconcile her fervent disdain for Coulter with her fevered endorsement of an anti-American vulgarian who hates everything the Republican Party stands for?"

-Former national editor of the Washington Times and proud Neo-Confederate, Robert Stacy McCain--no relation--takes a break from railing against "the mixing of the blood" to say Ms. McCain has a "fat caboose."

-Popular right-blogger Dan Riehl keeps it civil and classy when he refers to Ms. McCain as "Cellulite, Intellect-lite, or Both?" and asks, "What is it you stand for when you aren't writing of the travails of finding a guy to position your legs behind your ears and give you a good roll in the hay?" Gee, nothing like a middle-age man calling a woman in her twenties a fat, ugly slut. By the way, Dan Riehl's face looks like a gaped, reamed out asshole desperately trying to pucker itself after a brutal pounding.

-One of the lower hanging fruits, a "18 year old Conservative political theorist", promises to "keep it G-Rated" before saying of McCain's self-confessed dating woes, "the reason you can't get a guy isn't because of the election or the GOP. Its because you're a whiny, ugly, b!&@#! With apologies to female dogs. And the pardon (the pardon?) [sic] my French." And if this young man knows anything it's about being a whiny, ugly bitch.

-A "former trucker turned freelance writer" succinctly states, "You don't speak for me, bitch." In his bio "Paleo Pat" lists his "Loves" as: "long haired and skinny women, beautiful women, and down to earth people, especially women." His Hates? "Short haired women, fat women, being overweight, having A.D.H.D., paying taxes, and selfish people." It also mentions he is 36, single and never been married. Ladies, are you going to let this catch just jump out of the boat?

Now, when I first read all of this, my first thought was "Meghan McCain is fat?" All this time I thought she was just big-boned. Seriously though, have I just not seen the right pictures? Girl, that's not fat, that's ethnic, most white girls would kill to have an ass like that. I've thought a lot of things about Meghan, like why the fuck she spells her name with that annoying, superfluous "h", but never that she was "plus-size." Granted I haven't seen her naked, but the thought certainly appeals to me.

So let me now use this opportunity to get to the reason I wrote this post: Meghan, what are you doing this Friday night? I know you stated that the election killed your personal life and that dating has become impossible, because "Nothing kills my libido quite like discussing politics." I couldn't agree more, the past three elections and the upcoming 2010 mid-terms have killed my sex life too. You don't like people who fawn over your father, and you don't like people who voted against him. So we don't have to discuss politics at all, I certainly won't heap adoration on your father, or ask you to be my "Cindy", and yeah I voted for Obama, but generally I despise not just all politicians of both parties, but most human beings, Democrat and Republican, liberal and conservative, moderate and centrist.

I think you and I are somewhat similar, we both seem to understand that one's political affiliation is the product of their upbringing and little else, and like me, you have admitted to not being interested in or knowing anything about the economy, which in terms of honesty and integrity puts you light years ahead of most TV commentators on both left, right, and everything in between. We're both the same age, actually I'm about a year older if that appeals to you. You're on The Daily Beast, and I'm on Huffington Post, plus I've met Tina Brown on several occasions. Oh, and my Dad published your Dad's book. (See, you're probably turned off already, but we can get this out of the way now, so we don't have to talk about it when we go out.)

So Meghan, we both live in NYC, or at least you seem to be here quite often and I know you read blogs, so in the off chance that you wind up here when surfing the net, know that I've defended your honor and good name, and am free this weekend. We can do whatever you want, but know that if you're looking to go club or bar-hopping I won't be the best companion. Museum? Movie? I'm your man, we could stay in and watch my copy of romantic comedy, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, staring your favorite comedian Russell Brand, or see his live show. It's up to you, anything but politics.