~ in this moment

pendulum

Is there an age at which you stop fluctuating between happy and sad? Does the pendulum swing with less umph as you get older? The times I feel happiest (or at least quietly accept the moments of low) are when I don’t care about how I feel. Weird, huh.

At what point do you not doubt yourself? I always figured that would be when I was grown up, but the doubts are still there. The fleeting grasp I seem to have on a reliable resilience has me stuffed. I’m strong. I’m educated. I have moved countries. I have travelled alone. I have walked away from jobs that others called a “career”. I’m clear about what I will and won’t put up with, so where’s the fear coming from exactly?

At this point, I can at least note when it’s happening. I have this weird out of body conversation with self thing happening. I know I’m feeling like I want to walk away, but I stand there and stay in the moment a bit longer to see what happens…which is nothing. No tragedy. No drama. Nothing bad really – it’s all in my head. A weird work in progress. I am my own wacky experiment, I’m just not sure if I’m Jeckyll or Hyde.