A Review of Sex and the City 2 by Someone Who Doesn't Know Anything About It

Let me be clear. I haven't seen Sex and the City 2. For that matter, I never saw the first Sex and the City movie. Nor a complete episode of the television show. I've only seen bits and pieces while flipping channels.

On the other hand, I know how to type into a blog. So I'm still somewhat of an expert.

First off, ladies, I get it. It's your Star Wars. The opening credits make your tummy tickle the same way the Star Wars theme, to this day, gives me a boner. I understand. A pair of expensive shoes worn by Carrie is just like a metallic bikini worn by Princess Leia. Bonerfreakingopolis.

If I knew more about the actual characters of Sex and the City, I would be able to make more parallels. I do know Miranda is your C-3PO. That's obvious. Beyond that, I'd just be guessing. Which I can do, legally, because I'm a blogger. Carrie is your Luke. Charlotte is Han Solo. Samantha is Chewbacca. All men are Darth Vader. And I bet there are vibrators involved. Hello, R2-D2.

Now, I know they wouldn't be making movies if the television show wasn't a huge success. So I'm going to say the television show is like episodes 4-6 of the Star Wars saga. Those are the first three moves. The good ones. The originals.

Then I assume everyone associated with the show went their own ways and tried to get new roles and do different things but everyone just kept asking about more Sex and the City so they eventually gave in (needed cash) and went back to the well. Just like George Lucas and Star Wars.

So they did a Sex and the City movie. I'm guessing that was a lot like Episode I. Everyone was so excited to see it, they were quick to overlook the fact that it wasn't very good. There's probably a Jar Jar Binks type character in that movie, too. And maybe the equivalent of a droid army that gets turned off mid-battle. Which is really stupid when you think about it. And half of the charm of the Star Wars franchise was the swashbuckling attitude and it was replaced with bureaucrats standing around talking about trade treaties. AM I CLOSE, LADIES?

So that brings us to the second Sex and the City movie. The equivalent of Star Wars Episode II. Which I don't remember anything about. And I think I saw that thing three times. Is that the one where Yoda fights Count Dooku in a lightsaber duel? That was pretty cool at the time because it was like "Whoa, look at that wise old dude laying it down," but then it seemed pretty silly the other times I saw it. And why are the Jedi powers so inconsistent? I mean, one minute they're lifting X-wing fighters out of a swamp, and the next minute they can barely move a boulder without popping a forehead vein.

Anyway, I bet that's how a lot of Sex and the City fans feel today after seeing Sex and the City 2. I think the girls go to the Middle East or something. At first, in the theater, that may seem new and interesting. But now, after thinking about it a couple of days, you're probably like "WHY DO JEDI KNIGHTS EVEN NEED TO HOLD A LIGHTSABER? WHY DOESN'T YODA USE HIS POWERS TO FIGHT WITH, I DON'T KNOW, 20 OR SO LIGHTSABERS AT A TIME?"

Which means there will certainly be a Sex and the City 3. And maybe a few cartoon spinoffs. But let me tell you how this is all going to play out, Sex and the City fans. There will come a time in the third movie where you will wonder "Do they think we're stupid? Darth Vader is, what, 5'11'' here? He was at least 6'4" before."

Don't say I didn't warn you. And I understand if you camp out in line to see it anyway.