SAI

…That may be so, but it is not so here at Central. Our weather has been all over the place. Today was a rather nice day; however, it was a bit on the brisk side. Be that as it may, it was a fine day here on campus.

I was just thinking to myself a few days ago that I really ought write a post, but that there really wasn’t anything spectacular or ground breaking to post on. A variety of things pop into my head throughout the week that I think might make a good post, but by the time I get to a computer the thought is gone.

This week, however, I have been pushed to the keyboard.

This evening I experienced something that was not earth-shattering, but that doesn’t happen all that frequently. Think back to the summer I started this blogging journey, think far back to the beginning. At that time most of my postings were about an afternoon program I was running for children K-3, a program called The Caretakers’ Club.

Ah, yes! I can practically see your eyes growing large with the memory. 😉

Well this is Christian Perspectives Week here at Central and this evening we hosted the Fleer Lecture. The speaker was a wonderful woman, Rev. Rebekah Simon-Peter, and it just so happens that she authored and co-authored two of the books I used for The Caretakers’ Club!

It’s just not every day that you meet the author of the curriculum you use for one of these things. Besides that, her lecture really has the potential to light a fire under the feet of the people here to become more environmentally friendly as a part of our stewardship obligations! It was a really cool experience, to say the least.

Another cool thing happened this evening! I had somewhat fallen out of contact with my dear old penpal, you may know him as DinoMan. Well this evening when I jumped on here to finally write up a post, I had a comment waiting from him! Good thing too, because I had lost his email address! He’s been on my heart a lot lately, he and DinoGirl both, and I’m really glad to be back in touch with him.

In other news, I’m doing well. Life is a little crazy and it’s not always rainbows and unicorns, but it’s pretty good. I’m working on getting my applications in to seminaries, right now I’m waiting on some financial things to line up. That all makes me a little stressed, but I’m on track to graduate, so that’s something!

I’ve got a really good group of friends that are really making the difference in my life right now. I need to work on a few of those relationships, but I’m not falling apart anymore.

That is one thing I’d really like to work on as I embark on the next stage in my life. I’d like to be more emotionally stable. Yeah, I do alright, but in the course of the past four years, I’ve been a rollercoaster! And what makes me cringe is that my highs and lows are often a result of, even if not directly, my relationship status. I would like to find more of my identity within myself and within Christ. Not to toot my own horn, but it feels like I might finally be thinking like an adult.

I certainly FEEL like an adult with the way my schedule looks. Just to keep you in the loop, I’m now taking 17 credit hours(which includes Major Readings/Senior Project), working 19 a week, am on Service Scholars, and am running ΣAI. I’m learning some real problem solving skills as well as conflict resolution techniques. It’s exhausting most of the time, but I think I’m well on my way for being prepared for Grad School. My dad actually said the other day, “Welcome to adulthood!” And yeah, he was being pretty sarcastic, but it also kind of seemed like a compliment. 🙂

Today was my last homecoming as a student here at CMU and it was a good one, despite the downpour that began at noonish and hasn’t let up yet.

Usually, I’m one of those people that most of you dread. I get tearful at the end of an era and I wax nostalgic quite frequently, but today my eyes remained dry. I don’t know if it’s a sign that I’m growing up, or if it’s another thing about me that changed this year.

I’m proud of the things that I’ve done in my time here at Central, glad for the friends I’ve made and the experiences I’ve had, but I don’t feel all that sad about leaving here in seven months. Honestly, the people I feel I’ll miss the most are my professors. Again, I’m not sure what that says about my social skills of late.

I’ve noticed that I don’t like being in a large group for very long anymore. I’d much rather just a few people hanging out laughing. I’ve done far too little laughing lately. When I’m with my friends, my laugh and smile feel forced.

I don’t feel sad really…

…I’m not sure what’s wrong with me anymore.

I think people are tired of hearing that I’m sad, that I feel lonely, so I try not to talk about it. Sometimes it still slips out, though.

Like now. This is supposed to be a happy post. I had a good day, honest! I got to see some alumns and have good conversations with them! I had a great time at the Σ AI and ΦMA songfests! I always like listening to the band! And then I went over the the Nav House for game night! I only stayed a few hours before returning to my room, though.

I’ve always been a people person. What if I’m not anymore? Is that bad?

No, I’m not in a particularly stormy season in my life, that song just happens to be stuck in my head. Ok, so it MIGHT have something to do with the fact that SAI is singing it at our American Music Recital in a few weeks, but that’s really beside the point. 😉

I’m doing quite well. Those of you who see me everyday at school, however, get to witness my every day frustrations. Yay for you! I’m really sorry about that, I need to work harder to keep those, sometimes aggressive, outbursts of frustration to myself.

I’ve just been getting a lot of lies and back-stabbing from people who I thought were good friends of mine. In one particular case, I think the individual is still upset over a misunderstanding had between the two of us. I’m not sorry for what I said, because it was in line and a part of my job, but I am sorry that it came across the way it did. What is most upsetting is that the individual then said some things that I believe were said just to hurt me. And initially they did, but then I found out that the things the individual had said… Well, they weren’t true…

That hurts. Especially since what was said is that another friend of mine was disappointed in me. That second friend said she never said that and was, in fact, quite proud of me.

I wish that people would stop lying to me, it’s been occurring with more frequency and it’s really starting to tick me off. I also wish that the people lying to me didn’t think I was stupid; if you’re going to lie, make sure your “backbone from a distance” isn’t someone I talk to regularly.

There’s a remarkable quote from The Kite Runner that has stuck with me since I first read the novel:

“There is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft… When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness.”

Not an apt description of me. For many reasons, but mainly, I don’t particularly care for cinnamon. You know what I do care for? Happy endings.

I know, I know, it’s been far too long since my last post. What can I say? It’s been… interesting around here? To say the very least.

The Nerdmate and I are once again together. It took some time for everyone to cool down about the situation, but it seems to have worked out.

School is going well, I have some extraordinary friends, a wonderful new alliance with My New Best Friend, SAI is flourishing, and I just got hired for two more hours a week of tutoring!

It really is the little things in life that keep a college girl going. I’m really looking forward to see where things go from here. Something big is just around the corner, I can feel it.

This is not to say things have been butterflies and rainbows in the last few weeks.

For example, I found out that Candler, the seminary I’ve been planning on attending, has removed the program I was interested in. That was frustrating.

BUT it got me really looking at some other schools. Did you know that tuition at Princeton Seminary is about 5k cheaper than tuition here at CMU. Yeah, not kidding. This makes me very excited.

You know what else makes me excited? Elections, specifically in SAI. Yeah, they’re coming up. Like, in the next month or so. Pretty nervous, but I know what I want and I’m going to go for it. That means President, ladies. If the girls don’t think I’m the right girl for the position, that’s ok. But I really think I could do a good job,and I really think I’ve proven that I’m the best candidate.

The Nerdmate and I are fighting. Or, we had a fight and now there’s this weird not speaking to each other dance happening. I don’t like it. There’s a lot of internal struggling happening on both sides.

I’m probably not the kind of girl that comes off as the cut and run type, but I totally am. Commitment scares me. Rejection scares me. Getting attached and having my heart trampled on terrifies me. When the seas get rough, I take my boat in. My walls go up and I do whatever it takes to keep myself safe. That usually means a I cut and run. I take off. I leave. Not physically, but emotionally. That’s how all of my relationships have ended.

And then I do something rash and compulsive, usually to my hair. After every break-up or nasty fight, I’ve dyed and/or cut my hair. After the catastrophe of a fight with the WhiteKnight, I almost went out and got a tattoo or a piercing, some kind of body mod. I didn’t, just in case you were curious. But that was when I stripped the red from my hair, because red was HIS color. Brown was the PensylvanianLover’s color, etc.

This time it’s different. I can’t cut and run. This is the first time that I’ve gone to the same school as the guy I was with, yet alone lived in the same town. And this isn’t just the same town, The Nerdmate lives in the dorm directly above mine. Everytime he moves, everytime he has someone over, I can hear him. So even if I WAS going to run, I couldn’t. Also, I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I walk away, I’m walking away from the man that could be my soul mate.

How do you know if someone if your soul mate? How do you know if this is the person you were made for? I don’t know. And that scares me. And it ticks me off. I’ve worked past the tears. I won’t shed tears ’til I know it’s over. I can’t. But I. Am. Mad. We are supposed to be a team. We are supposed to be there for each other. We cannot aford to shut down the lines of communication if we’re going to make it through this. I love him and I know he loves me, but I don’t see that he wants to be with me. And I’m not going to waste my time following him around until he makes his decision. I’ve been there and I will never go back.

He needs space, so I’m giving him space. Honeslty, I need some space of my own. He’s going to make whatever decision he’s going to make without my influence and anyone who knows him knows that’s true. That’s how he works. So what am I doing to keep myself busy? Everything I can. I had girl time with The Roommate and Rose. It was really helpful. The Roommate and I are driving down to MMEA to watch the band perform! Yay! It’s a huge honor. And then we’ll participate in the StepSings of Sigma Alpha Iota and Phi Mu Alpha. And tomorrow night I’m having a movie/game night with my New Best Friend. Don’t worry, Bestie, you’re still my Bestie. 🙂 My New Best Friend and I have just needed each other to talk things out, our friendship is growing everyday.

I will be ok. I will survive and I hope that I come out on the other side with the Nerdmate by my side once more.

Everyone has angels in their lives, they’re people who show up in your times of need, people who help you through an icy patch on the road of life, people who love you when you feel like you’re an island in the storm.

I’ve always believed that we have hidden angels in our lives and it’s struck me lately how true that is. I’ve been blessed with so many angels, so many people who genuinely love me, friends who go out of their way to ease a discomfort, wipe a tear, heal a hurt…

My family is in a rough spot financially and that’s really hard to swallow. It’s made me question a lot of my decisions in life. It’s made me second guess my plans, my actions. It makes me feel selfish for being at school. And it makes me realize how wasteful I’ve been in my nearly 21 years on this earth. I can’t afford to be here, at school. I have no idea how I’m going to make it to graduation when I can’t even come up with the money for this semester.

I’m second guessing seminary. Maybe this is God’s way of shutting down my pride and telling me I need to work for a few years before continuing with my education. I don’t NEED to go to seminary. I don’t NEED to be ordained. I can do God’s work without those things. It’s my thirst for knowledge and the example of my mentors that led me down the road to seminary. Maybe that’s not what God wants. Maybe I don’t need to spend the extra money.

I’m scared. I got some bad news today, news that I don’t feel particularly comfortable publishing for the world yet. And in this time I’ve turned to some of the most beautiful and talented and inspiring young women I know, my SAI sisters. They have helped me so much without knowing they were doing anything. An Angel, we’ll call her Rose, manifested herself about a week ago. She bought my books for the semester. She’s stubborn and once she gets her mind on an idea, there’s no stopping that train. She’s fiery and passionate and silly and one of the best friends in my life. Tonight, I cried on the shoulders of those sisters. I told them for the first time that I was in trouble and they smiled and told me things would be ok. They hugged me and kissed me and gave me strength and courage to hold my head in confidence that, though life will throw me curve balls, they will pull out all the stops to get me the biggest damn net you’ve ever imagined to catch it.

These girls are my angels. They are my guiding stars. My companions through the thickest of evil nasty forests. And I love them with my whole big heart.

You have someone like this in your life. Let them in. God has sent them for you specifically. And when you’re able, return the favor. Then it’ll be your chance to be an angel.