Today we learned about Cellulaze, a very expensive laser treatment that is being heralded as a possible "cure" for cellulite — as if cellulite were an illness, a plague of the thighs, a disease of the ass. Cellulaze was covered in the New York Times and the Today Show, which conveniently demonstrated the procedure. Both in a single day. So much cellulite-zapping, so much focus on the body. Cue the conflicted deluge. (But props to the Cellulaze PR team for the impressive synergy.)

Cellulaze! Cellulaze is a revolution. A revelation. The procedure, which requires only one…
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As we've pointed out, cellulite is not actually a "problem." It's completely normal. That's just how ladies' thighs are constructed. But we've been conditioned to think it's a problem, that it's unattractive, and despite my day job running a website that consistently and correctly reminds us that this is a bullshit game, Cellulaze makes the hamster wheel in my brain spin right off the rails. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts! I could barely focus on what I was reading about the treatment because with every sentence something new popped into my head. Like:

A doctor in New Jersey seems to offer the most experience for the "best" price. New Jersey is really close to NYC.

$7,500 for a trip to Jersey? For thighs?

I just booked a trip to Florida. I will wear a bathing suit.

Do I even have cellulite? I mean, I know I do. Is it a lot? A little? It's not like we ever see any in women's media, so I have no clue what's "normal."