‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass. However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

Chef David Viens convicted of killing, cooking wife~ Most damning, several of the guests complained that Viens’ signature flambé d’Rhonda in white plumb sauce was both insipid and jejune, and moreover, that the chef’s bizarre pairing of a 1992 Mouton was not at all complimentary.

Help! My Daughter Is an Introvert ~ The realization can be painful, we know. But with help–and a lot of love–there’s no reason your daughter can’t live a comparatively normal life. Remember, the world needs librarians.

Navy removes ship’s command after boozy port visit~ We’re not sure that sends the right message. Perhaps we shouldn’t shatter the mystique of the finest maritime fighting force the world has ever known. If you take away drunkenness, whores and fistfights, it’s just a bunch of dudes on a boat.

By Smaktakula

Seriously–How Did We Make It This Far?

Natural selection is the process by which external forces eliminate nature’s weaker elements, leaving a more genetically advantageous stock to breed. This phenomenon is experienced throughout the animal kingdom, not only by simple creatures like sea anemones, butterflies and Romanians, but by Homo sapiens as well.

Lisa Ling: In Another Age She Would Have Been Eaten By Wolves As A Child.

In days of yore, individuals with desirable qualities reaped the rewards of society, and had awesome sex with one another. Likewise, the cretinous ticks lining society’s blighted underbelly, afflicted with undesirable qualities like shortness, endured poor and miserable lives, forced to seek their pleasure with other undesirables, or as was frequently the case, with themselves. Throughout the long march of human history, a steady refinement in the species permitted quantum jumps in our development in the 19th, 20th and now 21st Centuries.

Humanity made the world its bitch; no river was so vast that we could not dam it, no peak too great to scale, no creature we could not slaughter. Humanity learned and adapted; yesterday’s pernicious scourge became tomorrow’s quaint historical curiosity–just ask smallpox. In humanity’s golden age, those who might in the past have died at birth grew up to live happy, productive lives, free of many of the day-to-day woes of generations past. The species has reached a stage in its development where it strives for comfort, rather than simply to survive. No longer is our survival dependent upon continuously adapting to an ever-changing world; the world must now adapt to us.

There’s Never Been A Better Time To Break In Your Seal-Shaped Surfboard.

However, it is impossible to pick up one end of a stick without also picking up the other, and likewise, humanity’s circumvention of natural selection brings with it attendant consequences. No longer is it the sole domain of the fit to survive; the unfit may also live. More than that, the unfit may thrive. For every Stephen Hawking, whose marvellous brain and groovy voice are a fair trade for efforts in keeping alive a man God clearly intended to die, there are scores of able-bodied half-wits who would have walked in front of a subway train years ago if not for the numerous and strategically placed signs and bright red lines to discourage such action.

Given the rapid dilution of quality throughout the civilized world, the globe’s great nations have become sluggish and saturated with nincompoopery. This phenomenon is evidenced in the United States’ predilection for professional “wrestling,” Japan’s love of bizarre porn, and the mere existence of Belgium. Already the slack-jawed halfwits are out-breeding intellectuals by a ratio of 46:1. Having already taken most public-sector jobs, it is only a matter of time before the cataclysmically stupid saturate all areas of the workforce.

A Warning That Exposure To This “Program” Can Lead To The Onset Of Cretinous Boobery Is Too Little, Too Late.

Make no mistake–this societal devolution delights the Evil Ones. The enemies of all that is righteous and good would like nothing better than to see the West expose its soft flank. Al-Qaeda, for instance, has repeatedly demonstrated a nearly superhuman patience; it will be no great thing for such shadowy organizations to lie in wait until the society is too enfeebled to resist an attack.

Heh. ‘Gap.’ Don’t Tell Us It Doesn’t Make You Think…Okay, Maybe It’s Just Us.

The solution is clear. It is paramount that governments not only do away with these society-enfeebling warning labels, but also that they take specific action to reverse the damage that has already been done. Rather than label electronic devices “Unsafe in Water,” manufacturers would serve the public interest by tagging them as bath toys. Zookeepers could do their part by not harassing visitors who wish to pet the Siberian tiger. Our sad march to Moronville will not be stopped until every box of Comet toilet cleanser proudly proclaims ‘Tastes Great On Salad!”

By Smaktakula

We Certainly Wouldn't Pay Good Money For A Diminutive, Messianic Madman, But We'd Be Fools To Pass Up This Deal.

Folks love to tell you that “the best things in life are free.” There has never been a time when these words were true, and never less so than today. Those who chose to repeat this old canard willfully ignore that even essential items cost money, and that about the only things which still remain free are your first month of service, unsolicited advice and herpes.

This Ad May Be In Error. Last We Heard, China Was Never Going To Give Up Tibet.

By Smaktakula

Oh, Man! If We Had A Dime For Every Time This Has Happened.

In which we opine upon the headlines of the day without first reading the articles.

***

Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine backs Rick Santorum~ See Kids? A bacchanalian life of drug-fueled debauchery is not without its consequences. Although the pernicious effects of addiction upon the family structure are well-documented and widely known, critical-thinking skills and good judgement are additional casualties.

Miracle baby born from a single sperm ~ Although we were inattentive (at best) in biology class, our understanding is that barring a multiple birth, the formula is 1 sperm +1 egg = 1 very expensive, back-talking pet.

Evidence: Hitler had love child~ ‘Love’ child doesn’t really work in the same sentence as ‘Hitler.’ We know it’s not particularly politically correct, but if there’s ever a time to bring back ‘bastard,’ this is it.

Police: Mom gave kids heroin ~ Kids today don’t know how nice they have it. We considered ourselves lucky if Mom gave us a nutmeg & codeine-syrup cocktail and told us to ‘Fuck off for a few hours,’ so she and Uncle Whatshisname could have some privacy.

By Smaktakula

Glad To See You Made It, Jon. But If It Looks Like Jersey, It's At Best Purgatory.

Residents of the Garden State are resting a little easier with the knowledge that beloved New Jersey music icon Jon Bon Jovi is not dead, as was earlier reported. The erroneous reports of the singer’s death were greeted by the gnashing of teeth and tearing of garments from Bayonne to Camden. After Asbury Park native Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi is New Jersey’s most universally popular figure.

While Promethean Times shares the public’s relief at the news of Bon Jovi’s continued existence, the false rumors of his demise invite interesting speculation. Given that the majority of celebrities associated with New Jersey are cartoonish parodies of the state’s lowest and most venal stereotypes (the accuracy of these depictions notwithstanding), is there anyone else from New Jersey who might deserve death in Bon Jovi’s stead?

We proudly present the following options:

Jason Alexander: Irritating, Bald And Short, But Apparently Going Away On His Own.

Woodrow Wilson: Snooty Academic. League Of Nations Enthusiast. Reneged On Promise To Keep US Out Of WWI, And Failed To Make The World Safe For Democracy. Already Dead.

***

Joe Pesci: Like Alexander, Pesci Is Short And Irritating, But Has Better Hair And Has Appeared In A Funny Movie As Recently As The Clinton Administration.

However, after hundreds of hours sorting through viable candidates, contrasting their various crimes against humanity as well as mitigating factors, we’ve determined the New Jersey celebrity most in need of death:

By Smaktakula

Ahmadinejad Resembles Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, But The Similarities End There: The Iranian President Is Actually Quite Funny.

Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism. Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.

Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job. This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations. Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.

Sooner Or Later, Everything Turns Out To Be An Inside Job.

Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments. It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.

The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11. Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy. Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.

We use swear words to compensate for a meager vocabulary and a dearth of real insight. Your third-grade teacher was right about that.

Whenever possible, we avoid sweeping generalizations and irresponsible characterizations, which can upset more sensitive groups. This is particularly true regarding the people of Cameroon, who have no sense of humor whatsoever.

Just understand that ‘which’ and ‘that’ will always be our grammatical Achilles’ heels.

Copy editor Arturo the Pool Boy is actually 24 years old. The reason for his youthful appearance is Tardsie’s insistence that Arturo regularly use a depilatory ointment to ensure that his slender body remains at all times “baby-ass smoove.”

If you say, “No, I get it. You’re employing a deceptive cocktail of verbal flimflammery peppered with vulgarity to lampoon society’s ills without ever once bothering to offer a solution. That, and it just isn’t all that clever,” then you have no soul.

We’re not trying to offend you, but we don’t care if we do.

We’re cavalierly insincere and glibly deceitful, but only because we love you so very much.

By Smaktakula

110% Evil.

Carpetbagging Bostonian Frank McCourt likes to live large. Despite his complete lack of merit or any trace of human decency, the most recent owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers has managed to achieve superlativeness in at least one regard: very few individuals in the long and storied history of sporting douchebaggery have managed in such a short time to equal his astounding advancements in the field.

The improvident runt has brought financial ruin upon the Dodgers, universally regarded as the greatest franchise in the history of baseball, and perhaps in all of sport. Making matters worse, his actions have almost certainly precipitated the team’s takeover by Major League Baseball, casting a century-old Los Angeles tradition* into the same Losers’ Club as the likes of the Montreal Expos.

To Better Understand The Comparison, Imagine That Your Bottled Water Was Secretly Replaced With Berry-Flavored Goat Piss.

Already ignominiously linked to the now-defunct Expos through one of the worst trades in franchise history, which occurred before McCourt’s arrival on the scene, the Dodgers have now replaced them as the MLB’s poor relation. For that, among so many heinous crimes, Frank McCourt is truly Lord of the Douches.

Delino DeShields Ended Up Being Pretty Good Too.

* Our readers are no doubt familiar with the revisionist historical claims of the so-called ‘Brooklyn School.’ That these spurious allegations are commonly accepted is bad enough; we will not dignify them further here. ∞ T.