This Made A Sex Tape With Hulk Hogan While He Thought About Buying A New Canopy Bed

If you haven’t heard by now, Gawker was sent the Hulk Hogan sex tape he can’t remember making because he was too busy plowing the world after his divorce, and they provide a lengthy play-by-play that will teach you more about the Hulk-a-mania than you ever possibly wanted to know and will wake you up at night crying that you wish you didn’t. So on that note, here are some highlights to haunt you the next time you find your old wrestling figures in your mom’s basement. “Don’t wrestle him, Junkyard Dog. He’ll only look at the curtains.”

Hulk has some pretty cool and/or fucked up friends with equally cool and/or fucked up wives:

It opens with Hulk Hogan performing oral sex on the woman as she lays on the bed. Then another man’s voice can be heard from inside the room off-camera and both Hulk and the naked woman engage in idle chit-chat with the mystery man. Because the woman closely resembles Mrs. Clem, some have suggested that the voice of the mystery man is, in fact, Bubba the Love Sponge. If this is true, Bubba has no problem sharing his wife with his best friend.
“You guys do your thing,” this man says. “I’ll be in the office if you need me.”

Hulk will apparently take calls from his kids mid-fellatio:

Her fellatio is successful and Hulkamania is about to run wild on her but then his cell phone rings. He checks it because he thinks it might be his son, Nick. The ringtone on Hulk Hogan’s phone is a song by his daughter, Brooke Hogan, called “About Us” featuring Paul Wall. He is a proud father.
But Hulk checks the caller and does not want to talk that person at all. “Fuck no,” he says.

Probably because they don’t really do much for him. They being blowjobs, not his kids. Jesus, dude:

It is a slow, dutiful blowjob and Hulk is thrusting himself into her mouth to speed up the process. This goes on for a few minutes and at one point Hulk examines the canopy bed curtains in a way that suggests he’d like to purchase this particular style for his own canopy bed some day. She takes a break.

Hulk’s penis is impervious to steroid use:

Then we watch Hulk stand up and clumsily attempt to roll a condom on to his erect penis which, even if it has been ravaged by steroids and middle-age, still appears to be the size of a thermos you’d find in a child’s lunchbox.

He’s an old romantic:

“Be cool,” he says to the woman on his way out the door. They thank each other for the sex. “You’re awesome,” Hulk says on his way out the door. “So are you,” she says back in a very sincere way. Everybody’s awesome. Hulk asks her if he should close the door on the way out. “No, leave it open,” she says. “Thank you.” Off he went.

“Be totally awesome, brother,” he said to me, his golden mustache still slightly crusted from our love-making when he shared with me his most intimate desires to maybe get some new throw pillows. “Stay in school,” he added re-igniting the passion we had just felt moments before. “Uh, say no to drugs,” he also added before awkwardly whistling towards the door. And so went, A Real American…