I Think I've Been Erased

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ~ sounds good to me. Eternal sunshine, spotless mind. Well, maybe not completely spotless. I've lost too much of it already. Just not the parts I want and need to be gone.

In the movie, Clementine and Joel have one another erased from their memories. Yeah, it's truly an option (in movie land). While you sleep you are hooked up to a computer where they scan your brain and seek out the memories and then, ZAP, they're gone. Yeah, it's a sort of brain damage. Far-fetched fantasy. Like they can make you stop loving someone? Forget the "in love" parts of the relationship. Make it all go back to the way it was before--unlike in the movie, without consequences and procedures going wrong.

I never got closure. It just happened so weirdly. Never went bad, never bent...just broke. The relationship is over. For him it's like it never even happened. He walks in and out of my life so casually now. Like there was never anything. Hey, you think he had me erased from his memory?

"Come back and make up a goodbye at least. Let's pretend we had one."~Clementine - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

What Do You Think?

From Luggage--#007 in the NOOMA short film series featuring Rob Bell, founding pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church in Michigan:

"Maybe a friend turned their back on you. Maybe someone you loved betrayed you...It isn’t always easy to forgive these people and after a while these hurts can get really heavy...Maybe forgiving isn’t something you do for someone else to let them off the hook. Maybe forgiveness is about you. God didn’t create you to carry these wounds around. God created you to be free.

What we want is to be free from this (hurt).We want to be alive and healthy and whole.

I don’t want what somebody else did to determine what my life is gonna be like. Sometimes it’s big things, sometimes it’s small things. You try not to think about it, but then you just end up thinking about it more than ever.

We want to put it behind us, but how?

You think you’re over it. You think you’re okay. You think it’s in the past.

Then you run in to the person or you run in to something that makes you think of the person, and it all comes back worse than ever.

You thought you were over it, but now you’re more into it than ever, and the wound is re-opened and it hurts more than ever.

Then it becomes a day, a week, or ten years later and now it’s become a part of you. It’s like you can’t shake it and leave it behind.

Many, including Rob Bell, say that you know you’ve truly forgiven when you wish the person well and you no longer want revenge. What do you think about that? I'm not so sure.

For me, the whole situation was hurtful; however, there were many parts to the whole. Some were just inevitable heartaches, that’s the way it goes. Couldn't be helped. I can deal with that. But some of the wrong was not necessary. It could have been avoided. The person could have made a conscious choice not to cause such terrible pain and make the whole situation worse. Instead, the dagger-twisting option was chosen. I still don't know why. That’s the kind of hurt that is so hard to get over and hard to let go. You may truly wish the other person well, and you may never have ever wanted revenge, but forgiving still might not happen so easily.

Until the pain stops, you can’t let go. So have you forgiven the person? Can you if the pain still cuts so deeply? Even if you want the person to be happy and you don’t want revenge and you do want to forgive, if you still feel so badly, have you forgiven?

You pray for the pain to stop. You pray for the other person. You pray to forgive. God's the only one who can help you make it happen. How will I know when I've really forgiven?

"Whatever it was...God saw it. God was right there."

I don't need to hang on to this. I don't want to. I want it to be over. I want to forgive so I can be forgiven. I want to be free of this.

The Same Difference

FOOTBALL!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Frustrated?

When the Israelites miraculously made it through the Red Sea only to end up in the desert thirsty, disappointed, and complaining, they questioned Moses and he cried out to the Lord. God had not left them alone. He hadn’t “deserted” them. (Exodus 15)

"The Lord wanted to teach them that each experience on their journey wouldreveal their hearts. This test showed they were living by sight and not by faith.

They also learned that God was involved in their daily affairs. He wanted them to know that He not only could part the sea, but He would also supply water for His people. He knew their needs because He planned their way.

If you are being led into a wilderness of disappointment and bitterness right now, trust God, for He knows exactly where you are and what you need. As you obey His commands, He will lead you out of the desert and into a place of spiritual abundance, healing, and refreshment."

Thursday, January 25, 2007

R.I.P.

Calgon, Take Me Away!

My shampoo bottle says "Revives and replenishes your hair and your soul." My soul...really, shampoo? Makes me chuckle every morning. Whether I'm up or down, the thought of washing my hair making all the difference just usually brings a laugh, albeit somewhat sarcastic.

Unwashed hair usually does make me feel like crap. Funny. "Revives your hair and your attitude" would be a more appropriate phrase for my shampoo since my soul is connected to way more eternal spirituality.

Brevity Is the Soul of Wit

Death is a comma. A pause.

~ E.M. Ashford - Wit

This was a great movie. It's been a long time since I saw it. I think it's time for a re-run. You can't see it without deep-thinking and deep-feeling. It's not really an entertainment film. Just made me think and acknowledge some things about dying...and living. Writers who feel and can express themselves so well...I admire and appreciate. Actors, too, who can bring it all to life (or death as it may be).

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

GO HOOSIERS!!

Really Random Stuff

~ My kerosene heater caught fire last night. Thankfully that was it. Black smoke everywhere. Even the towels that were drying in dryer are all gray today. Blech.

~ I gained 2 lbs. I’m up to 102 today...to whom it may concern.

~ Nobody has breakfast at Tiffany’s and nobody has affairs to remember, according to Carrie.

~ I think my medicine has stopped working.

~ My Christmas tree is still up and, yes, I turn on the lights every night.

~ I wish I’d never told my ugly little secret.

~ James Blunt was on Austin City Limits a couple weekends ago. Acoustic guitar and piano. I like. He’s whiny though. Not good for my attitude. Dixie Chicks this past weekend. Also not good for my attitude, but in a different way.

~ "Love--to be real--it must cost, it must hurt, it must empty us of self." -- Mother Teresa

~ The Office of Dunder Mifflin has the same Cisco Systems phones that we have at JMS.

~ Get Fit 2007, the JMS-originated staff wellness program, has gone GJCS corp wide. Big competition. I am not a competitor. I was eating healthy and exercising until this started. Now, not so much. I am a rebel. Everyone is forced to be on a team. My 29 pts for the first wk of Jan looked way silly next to receptionist Jill’s 257. I don’t care. Last week I had 32. I still don’t care. I don’t even wanna play.

~ On a show I watched the other night, someone was sued for “intentional infliction of emotional distress.”

~ I've always owned/driven a Ford or Mercury until I got this Toyota. I like my Camry.

~ Alisa fell down the stairs and hurt her ankle and elbow.

~ Yay for the Earned Income Credit!

~ Ford Edge commercial's music is good. "I like to live on the edge..." Many vehicle commercials have good music.

~ My hot water heater is really complaining. Loudly. If it goes out, I guess I'm suppose to turn the gas off or something? Hmm. Guess I should be finding out since it looks like I really am going let it go until it GOES.

~ Completing the FAFSA online is such a welcome improvement over the old days. And now there's a renewal option. If your college student submitted a financial aid form last year, you don't have to start from scratch this year. Modern technology is good when it works (and when those optimizing its benefits think smart).

~ The IDOE is data rich and information poor IMO. I don't think they quite optimize the benefits of modern technology.

~ JMS Science Fair today. Mrs. Flack does not have on her white lab coat. First time in 30+ years. She says it's too hot in this building. I'm freezing...got my space heater going.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Re-visiting Favorite Movies

"What is it about love that makes us so stupid?"~ Frances-Under the Tuscan Sun"I'm like the dumb girl that doesn't get it. I've never been the dumb girl before. It ain't so great."~Erica-Something's Gotta GiveDo you know the most surprising thing about a broken heart? It doesn't actually kill you like a bullet to the heart. It should. When someone you love with all your heart and with whom you’ve shared everything you are breaks your heart, irreparably, it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that...(modified)~Frances-Under the Tuscan Sun

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Taking Back Sunday

Taking back Sunday. (Not the band, TBS, the concept.) I want Sunday back. To serve and worship with my whole heart. From beginning to end. Not just by the time 11:00 rolls around.

Sunday was always the best day of the week for me. Not so much anymore. There's always the best of the good on Sunday--it is the Lord's day afterall. It just starts out bad. I have learned that with one thing that kicks off my Sunday, I am a faker. Not with my love, praise, and worship for God. Just with the interference of that. I just have to fake my way through the emotional distraction in order to get to the good part of serving and worshipping. God and friends help me do that I guess.

"You've left a stain on every one of my good days."~ Disease - Matchbox 20

Friday, January 05, 2007

Brokenness...Again

Psalms 119~The Living Bible

25 I am completely discouraged--I lie in the dust. Revive me by Your Word. 26 I told You my plans and You replied. Now give me Your instructions. 27 Make me understand what You want; for then I shall see Your miracles.

28 I weep with grief; my heart is heavy with sorrow; encourage and cheer me with Your words.

29, 30 Keep me far from every wrong; help me, undeserving as I am, to obey Your laws, for I have chosen to do right. 31 I cling to Your commands and follow them as closely as I can. Lord, don't let me make a mess of things. 32 If You will only help me to want Your will, then I will follow...

37 Turn me away from wanting any other plan than Yours. Revive my heart toward You. 38Reassure me that Your promises are for me for I trust You.

59, 60 I thought about the wrong direction in which I was headed and turned around and came running back to You.

66 Now teach me good judgment as well as knowledge...68...make me follow Your lead.

75, 76, 77 I know, O Lord, that Your decisions are right and that Your punishment was right and did me good. Now let Your lovingkindness comfort me, just as you promised. Surround me with Your tender mercies, that I may live.

81 I faint for Your salvation; but I expect Your help, for You have promised it.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

2006: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Just Another Desperation (the whining here is almost done)

Is this the New Year or just another night?Is this the new fear or just another fright?Is this the new tear or just another desperation?Is this the finger or just another fist?Is this the kingdom or just a hit and miss?I miss direction most in all this desperationIs this what they call freedom?Is this what you call pain?Is this what they call discontented fame?It'll be a day like this one when the world caves inI'm singing this one like a broken piece of glassFor broken hearts and broken noses in the backIs this the New Year or just another desperation?You push until you're shoving You bend until you breakDo you stand on the broken fields where your fathers layIt'll be a day like this one when the world caves inIs there nothing here worth savingIs no one here at all?Is there any net left that could break our fall?It'll be a day like this oneWhen the sky falls downand the hungry and poor and deserted are foundAre you discontented?Have you been pushing hard?Have you been through and down this broken house of cards?It'll be a day like this one when the world caves inIs there nothing left now?Nothing left to singAre there any left that haven't kissed the enemy?Is this the New Year or just another desperation?Does justice ever find you, do the wicked never lose?Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?And nothing is okayUntil the world caves inThe Blues ~ written by Jon Foreman, Switchfoot