diciembre 07, 2012

235. Intelligence = Profitable Props for the Ego

“the Teacher know a lot of Knowledge and Information, that comes from books and sources, which they do not have Direct-Access to in as much as, Ensuring that what they are Teaching, is in fact the Truth. It All Depends on your Culture, and where you Find yourself in the World, as to What you’ll be Taught and what the Teacher will be Teaching. This Knowledge and Information will be Aligned with the current Social-System, and All Critical Thinking will be Aligned to Justify the Current Social System. So, is it then really, actually, Critical Thinking? With using Religion as the Justification why All Men cannot be Equal, Blaming God for Creating Man Unequal – makes the whole Point easy, to Imprint a most Strange thing: the Point of Competition. In Sales, this is called: “the point to watch for”, which is in fact a Distraction, because – while the Person’s focusing on “the point to watch for”, which is the Distraction like for instance, Competing in some form of Sport or in the Academic World, or just looking at the Teacher Performing the Act of Teaching: the Actual Education is happening in the Background, which is Pacifying the Child to Submit Completely to Authority and Control, and Accept the Current System and their lot in Life.” – Bernard Poolman*

If who I was defined within the system as ‘intelligent’ is measured by the above mentioned considerations, one can realize that I have only believed myself to be another ‘currency’ based on fake values within the system. I knew that every time anyone labeled me as ‘intelligent’ it was a lie I had I just learned early on to play the game of good grades, build a reputation and have it all go easily for me in school with some, what I can say, preprogrammed traits. I’ve written out some time ago about my decisions in life being based on ‘spiting’ this responsible/ intelligent character, mostly to avoid being seen as a nerd or simply an apparent intelligent person which I would mostly dislike due to the obvious separation/ inequality that it breeds, but at the same time ended up accepting as if I really just ‘that’ because everyone seemed to say so. ‘Cultural and Intelligent, she’ll get very high’ can be read in my ‘senior high school year book’ and there I was slightly smiling to a bright future, probably did get high but not in social ranks of any sort, mostly within my mind and using everything that I could to fly away from my responsibility as a human being, oh yes, that was my specialty and became my career, my bright way to ‘spite’ everyone’s expectations – yes, only did it to myself obviously.

But, was any of that real intelligence? I remember struggling a lot because I simply found it so easy to deal with information and learn stuff, and people would ask all the time ‘how do you do it’? or ‘I want to be like you!’ and I had no answer because it was just reading it and that’s it, so I would give a little explanation of how they could do the same that I would do: be responsible, do your homework, pay attention in class, read before the exam and that’s it. People thought I would study for hours on, lol, but as I’ve explained, I would spend those hours on absorbing images and sounds from the TV of which I am still finding every day it’s more of a chunk of old skin that I simply can’t shed so quickly, now that’s the real ingrained part of my ‘learning years’ as everything that I imprinted a LOT of emotions and feelings toward. School? Yes, knowledge and information, being a ‘good student’ according to teachers and classmates forged within a school system that only regards what is ‘good/ excelling’ within its own little realm of a’s and b’s – 10’s and 9’s here, all indicators of how obedient one would be as a slave in the system. And yes here it is to understand that we STILL live in this system, so even when I was full aware of this in my last years of school, I kept my grades up just to have a cool curriculum within the system, which is what does matter at this stage – not that I actually ‘value’ myself as such grades.

To me it was pretty clear how getting A’s/ 10’s meant reward, I’d feel ‘bad’ every time my father would say I deserved something for it, I said I did it for myself, but would eventually end up extending my hand and getting some money for it, so that I could buy my own reward for being ‘such a good student,’ which became just a synonym for pride and show off from my parents to others, and our regular ‘reputation’ – I say ‘our’ because of my sisters being the same. Yeah, responsibility and discipline, orderly were part of my inherited traits – does that make it ‘fair’ for everyone else? No, is it then a curse? Not either, it simply means that we’ve lived in an unequal way wherein some ‘got it easy’ and some are meant to suffer more in order to achieve similar results or at least the ‘closest’ to it, sometimes, that’s virtually impossible. Why? Because the system was inherently designed that way: no one was meant to be Perfect. I say ‘meant’ because it is preprogramming and an entire system of energetic systematic processes wherein no matter if you were ‘bright’ in some field of your life, another would be absolutely crap so that one would never be satisfied in all aspects of self, which was obviously my case as well. (for more understanding of how this reality works, read Understanding Reality on the various blogs and pins there)

I sure could stand on podiums and be the recognized as the ‘best student’ throughout all my school years… does that define who I am? That’s the point to investigate here – of course at face value I say No, but the mere resistance to say it as it is means that I had suppressed it because of being ‘ashamed’ of having played this sectarian hierarchical role within school, which is then indicating I still hold a relationship toward it of self-definition. I am aware that such trait is not a physical ability as life is not about intelligence as the ability to parrot knowledge and information, but being able to discern reality within common sense and self honesty to act, do and say what’s best for all. And that I learned at Desteni, and that is available for everyone equally. This how I debunked the entire ‘carefully crafted’ self idea/ personality of mine wherein even my attempt to ‘spite my ego’ backfired with further confusion about reality and layers that I still have to walk as the reasons why I followed through a particular road and what was it that I attempted to avoid facing.

I’m grateful for al the education I had of course, otherwise I would not be here. I’m grateful within the understanding of how there is only a few chances in this world to be born in a condition and environment where we can get educated and even more so, be able to integrate it as the system preparation it is.

Each year that went by in kindergarten, I remember my teacher saying that I would go ‘getting loose’ because I had gotten there as the ‘strong’ one, the serious, responsible, and adamant when discussing with my mother how I wanted to go to school even if I was sick, just because that would make me ‘lose track’ and fear falling behind on my sticks and apples type of calligraphy lesson, lol. I am aware of me actually enjoying being more mischievous later on and using my reputation to my advantage: no one would figure out it was ‘me’ that could do anything wrong. I still find that quite annoying to say the least, and I appreciate anyone that takes the time to correct me in any possible way, it’s been counted times that I can say that in relation to my process and each point were vital to understand myself better – it only happened here at Desteni that people would take that point of support - anywhere else it is as if you just have this ‘all access pass’ as some form of ‘godliness’ and no one dares to question you – hello, that’s how I was able to get ‘what I wanted’ only to regret it later because of the starting point of it obviously not being self honest. This is quite dangerous if such person loses any ground and then just flies on ‘autopilot’ with such ‘intelligent reputation’ fuel with no question – there’s no doubt that many people that have been graded as ‘A students’ end up involved in quite hectic situations while everyone can’t compute ‘But she was such a good girl, she was the most intelligent in her class, how could she do that? I don’t understand!’

This was not my case, but I am well aware of the potentials we all hold toward being an actual self-honest being and an actual self-dishonest nasty being if we cultivate that part equally. This is ‘our choice’ at the moment.

Now, looking at the big scope, we’ve all been living in such auto-pilot with No questioning to this so-called intelligence that is promoted, accepted and allowed in our school systems. I just debunked my own perceived ‘superiority’ and ‘specialness’ as a mix of learning how the system works, heritage and further playing-along with the character. Is any of it really who I am? No, since I can stopthinking and reproducing the knowledge and information that makes one ‘really intelligent’ within this current system.

Then, is this current system of knowledge and information of any real validity? Not really unless the knowledge and information is applicable data that Describes how reality functions and as such, it is no longer useless data but a form of comprehending our reality and within such understanding, we are able to direct it within common sense.

Common Sense is what’s best for all. I require a human physical body and Be in it to realize what is real and what is the energized idea of self as ‘who I am’ as the ego. Could I live without water, food, shelter, sunlight, air, health support, clothes, general secure location to live in? No. Could I live without all the knowledge and information acquired throughout the long list of schooling years. For the most part, yes, I require language to communicate and mathematics to understand how physical consequences pile up. I can learn more about how my mind works in one half our of an Eqafe recording than an entire year of studying basics in psychology, sociology or biology and that’s certainly not an exaggeration.

Hence, what I can conclude is that whatever idea/ belief people had about me would only perpetuate the accepted hierarchical positions that were promoted and supported by our teachers at school, by family and essentially on a social level you always had these ‘intelligent kids’ being gathered for further competitions to see who would win the position as ‘the most intelligent of them all,’ not to say that I imprinted the most anxiety in my body when having to be participating in any of that or English spelling contests for three years in a row, one never considers the amount of strain imposed when ‘all eyes are on you’ and you simply fear fucking it up as it did happen, and then you want to win because one has been told that that is the ‘greatest spot’ to be at, and then one realize that it was all really for nothing other than a pat on your back and a single thought in my head of ‘I won’ – just another prop for the ego - yet the extreme stress experienced before and during the contest remains as an engraving in my physical body as a result of the extreme nervousness and anxiety, memories that I would never want to repeat again. This was the limited scope of my world for a while.

Hence my association of intelligence with being in front of people, doing something/ saying something/ picking up some diploma which became like a broken record that others would want to experience, but every time I simply found it more and more pointless, just a stack of cardboard that I could burn out in a couple of seconds.

I guess that’s part of why I identified with one of the characters in Magnolia, this ‘bright kid’ I'm Quiz Kid Donnie Smith that is recognized by all and everyone believing that his wits would lead him to ‘guaranteed success’ in life and defined everything he was just because of That – yet he ends up seeing himself in a dog eat dog world where his wits lead him nowhere but being ‘misunderstood’ and ‘looking for love,’ which is pretty much what I did. I wanted to stop being conceived as this ‘bright piece of brain’ that people thought I was, I wanted guys to stop being scared of me so that I could be known for “who I really was” which was just this self created softy version of an emotional/ feeling concoction that would rejoice with sadness, depression and yearning for bits of heaven in any possible way as my personal entertainment, just because I required some ‘conflict’ in my life’ – that’s what happens when your life is assured and you’re not striving for a living, panhandling or living on the streets or working 18 hours a day, one can focus on just cultivating massive mindfucks. Did I get what I wanted? I did, to a certain extent – did it solve the inner conflict? No, it only aggravated it till I had to face the consequences of everything that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become while ‘spiting my intelligent character.’ Now that’s what I call self-sabotage and one that I am walking till this very day.

Just a quick reminder: did I in any of this perceived ‘intelligence’ actually placed into application the skills learned at school’? was I aware of myself as a physical being? Did I regard all beings as equals at all levels? Did I ever considered veering such apparent intelligence to a ‘greater good,’? Self Honestly, not at all. Is intelligence in any way veered toward being at the service of those that do not present such apparent intelligence? Not at all, it is just one lucky trait as propos for your appraisal in the ‘job market’ and escalate my elitist desired position of maybe doing some ‘good’ here and there, but mostly focusing on selling my wits to the greatest bidder. Again, please do not do what I did ‘spiting the system’ and wanting to ‘escape it,’ you’ll end nowhere and actually wasting a pretty cool opportunity to be In the system to change it.

So this is the behind the scenes of the perceived ‘intelligent being’ and the actual stress it represents having people talking to your ear about how much they despise you because of always getting everything right, or how much they wish you fuck up so that they can take your place, or how much they think you’re not normal and ‘don’t count’ when it comes to sharing their usual problems and inabilities to ‘make it’ within school. Has anyone ever placed themselves in the shoes of the few that have to endure such ‘high rank’ positions? Not really, hence this is supportive to walk since we tend to be so judgmental about those in ‘higher places’ but never look at all that which they also have to endure to maintain such positions, even if it is yes of course, inherently fucked that we have to exist in a world of highs and lows – but understanding how this works also leads to stopping judgments and instead, walking a process of self correction so that we no more harbor any form of sectarian attitude toward others based on their ‘traits’ as ‘who they are’ within the system of either a lower or higher position. Until we are equal, we’ll have to face each and every single accepted and allowed hierarchical value imposed upon Life.

Is a perceived positive trait all that I want to be? hell no, it’s not real as physicality and will be redefined to a living word, not a data base that consumes time and space that sells well in the system – but, who would we be in a world-system where there are no more ‘grades’ that define who you are? where there are no more ranking systems of who’s the best and who isn’t? Certainly it will already place a more equal stance between kids at school, it is widely ignored how these differentiation made between people according to ‘intelligence’ breeds the most conflict between peers, leading often to problems like bullying or extreme stress when having to keep up with the ‘peer pressure.’ Time to think outside of our protection mechanisms and so called ‘superior traits’ and equalize ourselves as the physicality that we really are.

To be continued with Self Forgiveness on the Intelligent word/character along with the necessary bubbles to burst as ingrained self-beliefs that I perpetuated as a ‘positive trait’ of who I am.