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Anorexia – My Story

Before I start, I would just like to state that this is not one of my usual posts; in fact it is extremely serious and is one of my own personal experiences. VOGUE and other fashion magazines tend to include images of alarmingly thin models promoting an idea of perfection and under-eating. These images have the possibility of inducing exceptionally atrocious issues upon their readers.

I vividly remember being a 10 year old and having my eyes attached to this one picture on display. A portrait of the favoured fashion icon, Twiggy. Her hair cut into a pixie cut. A fringed mid-skirt that pocketed her hands. But there was one thing I noticed, the lack of fat upon the women’s body was way below average. Looking as though it was about to snap, her arm was pointed out in the perfect triangle in addition to the narrow legs that seemed to be fixed into position, resembling a gaunt mannequin that was a distance from being the literal body of a human being. Even then I had the sly thoughts of maybe that kind of fragile shape being attractive despite the fact that I was still in primary and certainly had not attained a growth-spurt yet.

During the first two years of secondary, I somehow found numerous blogs and websites promoting this idea of thinness, of perfection, of control, of anorexia. By year two, there had been a few periods of my year spent drinking just water for lunch however coming home, giving into the burdensome diet and constantly binging on oleaginous and sugar filled food. Mostly custard creams, cereal and of course chocolate. To be completely honest, it was not a binge, just an outstanding of the calorie goal I was gaining at too loose. Furthermore, the year continued and greater changes occurred starting with weigh in, every Monday, previous to the waking of my parents and it was permitted that the paucity of my clothing would take place.

Commencing with the calorie goal of 1200, I stuck to it and dropped by 1lb, doing so provided me with a feeling of exhilaration moreover regulation in myself and life. Personally, this first attempt was an endeavour but I did it and doing so caused me the idea that I could extend this by setting a target lower weight. At this point, my weight was at the higher end of the NHS bmi which, to be honest made me have thoughts of grotesque looks and a pessimistic reputation from peers, likewise everyone. Undoubtedly, there was absolutely no chance someone as corpulent and lax figure as me could decrease to such a number that would state the readings of and idealise my weight, not to mention the case of a mediocre bmi.

Furthermore, I proceeded to loose pounds at an appropriate rate with the odd pound increase here and there from holidays but overall it was a vast triumph to the amount of reduction in the characters. -3lb, -5lb, it endured to shrink. Finally, I reached my goal weight nonetheless something in me said that this wasn’t satisfying enough for instance, I still saw the considerably bulging whale whenever a glance was caught of my reflection. As a result, I set a new goal weight being on the minor end but according to the NHS bmi, not underweight. Furthermore, I started to decrease my calories by 100 per day starting from 1000 until I reached 500 and from then on lived everyday consuming a precarious 400 calories.

As greater time passed, I began to feel truly morose, as if each day getting up for school was an inconceivable struggle. Following on, irritation and overwhelming displeasure could be caused in the most little amounts of communication, as well as this, my thick, coiled hair was converting into a lean and greasy head of strands. Yet, the most noticeable and almost oppressive effect was the fact that I felt outstandingly cold in any environment, it could be 90degrees and I would still feel the need to shawl myself in a blanket and wear a considerable volume of layers.

But on Christmas Day, I was a ghost scowling around my amazing presents showing no sense of gratitude whatsoever. I was an ungrateful brat in my opinion and placed the deepest remorse upon my family. Forwarding on, Boxing Day came and I was still feeling non-existent, purposefully staying in bed for the entire day to prevent consumption of anything, an abandoned ham sandwich sat beside me untouched. Finally, my mum came up and asked me to get something to eat so I forced myself out of the covers and staggered down stairs, grabbed the usual tomato soup and started to pour as little as possible. Mum noticed the lack of volume to the meal and came over pleading for me to add more causing a large annoyance to be placed upon me. Overwhelmed with ill stress, I blacked out falling to the laminate floor as if falling to death.

Awoken by the commotion, a paramedic was gazing over my fragile body mentioning how a teenage girl to not be eating is a common case nowadays. To continue, he placed me in a wheelchair and pushed me to the uncomfortable surface of an ambulance bed then drove to Tameside A and E with the siren aloud. This was a very unusual circumstance for me as I had never needed proper aid in having someone motion me from one place to another; I used to be such an energetic person. During my protracted overnight stay in hospital, I was constantly weighed and awoke by irritating nurses, sporting the usual high-pitched-talking-to-children-voice at awkward times for another check of my dangerously low blood pressure. After being taken home, I was forced to eat a mere 1050 calories and this would be raised by 150 each week. Even though my parents thought I was eating this poor amount, anorexia was still controlling my every thought, i.e. trying to eat as little as possible therefore I was still losing myself at a rapid rate. By the time we were referred to eating-disorder specialists, my weight had dropped by 2 kilos since that of hospital. This continued to lessen. As a higher number of calories were set, more motivation to deepen the difference between the goal and my actual intake was made. As Poppy got stronger, anorexia got stronger.

Proceeding from this drooling 3 months of tears, altercation and impending stress, my parents were in the greatest melancholy of their lives. Just coming to a halt and pushing anorexia aside for once to look at the anguish and heartbreak each doctor’s appointment delivered upon my family gave me a feeling of considerable regret. I had to change, this infinite loosing was foolish, and it was anorexia’s deceiving character. Poppy needed to speak for once, this grim mind-set was only making my life worse because no matter how much my weight decreased, it would still never be enough. I decided to change from that point on, recovery was possible, and I could do this. Each meal was a struggle but I got through it by thinking about how big the benefit would be upon my family, I had ruined their lives at this time and needed to convert the circumstance I had caused. Like I previously indicated, it was a struggle but in the end, it is the most tremendous choice you can make.

At present, it is still possible for thoughts to creep in throughout the process of providing myself with the all-important calories. On the other hand, who wants to be a weak figure of depression and fictitious control? A type of control that just makes your life a living hell in addition to providing the people who love you with an astounding amount of misery. You are worth it. Please know that because I didn’t believe it and came to the conclusion that anorexia can dictate my life instead. Amid recovery, I felt like everyone else was dictating my life but believe me, it’s a better dictator then the insidious commands of anorexia.

Physical problems, such as feeling lightheaded or dizzy, hair loss or dry skin.

If you have concerns that you or someone you know could be under the influence of anorexia nervosa please take action as soon as possible to prevent long-term consequences such as infertility and osteoporosis.

Please remember that they may look ok but there mind might be in a completely different setting.

Sat at the very right, I may appear as an average and contented teen even though my thoughts were overcrowded with negativity at this period of time. Having a Constant yell persuading me how I wasn’t good enough and pointing out my flaws, saying that I was still fat as ever and a pig.

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9 thoughts on “Anorexia – My Story”

Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story. I hope you continue to realize your self worth – you are a beautiful girl and, even more importantly, you have so much value! I hope you continue to blog, if only to offer other young girls out there another source of inspiration aside from fashion magazines. 🙂

I am speechless. You are beautiful and most of all you are strong. You are strong for saying no to that miserable life, or may I say that hell. I believe in you,and I know that you can fight the disease.

Thank you for visiting my blog, yet my writing is no where near the standard of your’s. Your story has left me speechless and you are so courageous and individual. I hope I can learn to be as brave. All the best CM x