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Sunday, April 10, 2011

Twins at Yankees 4-4-11

So a bit of perplexing results came from last week’s blog. Before we report them to you, let us first ask you this: have any of you actually SEEN Major League? The reason we ask this is because of 8 votes, 3 (and the majority) people chose the quote, “Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.” That choice was a trick. It’s not from Major League. It’s from The Hangover. Phil says it to Alan in the hotel room when they all wake up in the morning. Yes, it’s a funny line. No, that doesn’t mean you pick it. We specifically asked you what your favorite line from Major League was. We should’ve known better than to give you a trick choice. No one voted for Jake’s “I’m hung over, my knees are killing me and if you’re going to pull this shit, at least you could’ve said you were from the Yankees” or Doyle’s “Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor,” which was Lisa’s personal favorite. Only 1 individual chose Doyle’s “…and he walks the bases loaded on 12 straight pitches. How can these guys lay off pitches that close?” This is one of Serena’s favorite scenes in the entire movie. For some reason, 2 people chose Doyle’s (yes, Doyle is responsible for 90% of the movie’s best quotes), “You can’t say goddamn on the air…Don’t worry. Nobody is listening anyway.”Yes, this was amusing, but is it really funnier that the “lay off pitches that close” line? We think not. Lastly, only 2 people voted for Brother’s all-time favorite line and inspiration for last week’s blog post title, “Look at this f*cking guy.”

Now that we’re done making fun of you for making the ra-tarded mistake of choosing a quote from the wrong movie, let us move on to an actual blog. We swear it’s real this week! It’s not about mini giraffes on a treadmill! We actually went to a baseball game this week. First, don’t forget to check out Lisa’s post about Mets’ Opening Day.

We took the train to the game again because it’s way cheaper than driving in and parking in the expensive parking garages. At the stadium, we bumped into several “celebrities.” First, we saw a man dressed in dirty and ragged clothing who looked exactly like Dave Grohl from the Foofighters. In all honesty, it really could’ve been Dave Grohl because if memory serves us (and it often doesn’t), we believe he dressed that way back in the day when he was Nirvana’s drummer. We rode the escalator with Eric Byrnes, who wore a navy blue Yankees hat. At least we think it was Eric Byrnes. He sure did look like Byrnesie. In our section, we spotted a redheaded man with a Magnum PI moustache who looked exactly like Jeff Foxworthy. Finally, on the jumbotron, we spotted a woman who we swear looked like P!nk drinking a beer. Anyone know if P!nk is a baseball fan? And if she drinks beer while pregnant? Cos’ then it really might’ve been P!nk.

We got to the stadium around 6:10, so we figured we’d try to visit Monument Park again. Needless to say, it was yet another TBB Fail.

Saturated with disappointment, we chose to instead do what we do best: eat. Continuing with last season’s goal of trying new things at the New York ballparks, we paid a visit to the Johnny Rockets stand located in the field level section between home plate and first base. Serena ordered a cheeseburger and large fries because she apparently felt like she “was starving.” The large fries are served in an enormous cardboard cup. The whole meal cost her $17.50, but let us assure you that there was really no reason for her to order the mammoth-sized fry cup. It was entirely too much food, but since Serena paid nearly $20 for the meal, she forced herself to eat every last morsel…and then felt sick. Lisa ordered the chicken fingers/fries meal for $10.50.

Just a heads up to anyone who is picky about condiments, the burger came with Russian dressing on it. Serena almost threw up a little bit in her mouth, but she wiped that sh*t right off and then doused the burger with a sh*t ton of ketchup. Lisa received pretty delicious BBQ sauce with her chicken fingers, but at the condiments’ stand, we discovered something extremely delightful. The Yankees offer HOT SAUCE as a ketchup alternative! Mother f*cking hot sauce! Do you have any idea how great that is?! The only thing better would be if the Yankees offered sriracha sauce. Needless to say, Lisa used the hot sauce on everything.

Also worthy of noting, we saw a few people walking around with buckets of glory. For $20, you can receive a bucket of fries and sliders or chicken tenders. It supposedly feeds a family, but we’re pretty sure that we can eat all of that by ourselves.

After stuffing our faces, Lisa rolled Serena’s fat ass up a few ramps (it’s always good to get some cardio in) to the upper deck where our seats were located. Before reaching our destination, we bumped into our ex-boyfriend.

Our matchup for the evening would be the Twins’ Scott Baker and the Yankees Ivan Nova. Who? Yeah, we have no idea who he is either.

Oh, we nearly forgot! We got free giveaways! You like?

We also got free t-shirts by giving false information to the H&R block table outside Gate 4. It’s Lisa’s first free Yankees t-shirt. Though we can’t quite figure out what “I square (maybe the square really means “block?”) the New York Yankees” means.

Right from the start, Serena’s fantasy baseball team, Tigers Love Pepper, earned major points thanks to her Yankees players. In the 1st, Alex Rodriguez hit a 2-run home run, while in the 2nd, Jorge Posada hit another 2-run home run that scored Nick Swisher. Guess who on the ball field did absolutely nothing for Tigers Love Pepper that night? Joe Mauer. He did not “well-play” anything that night. That f*cker.

The good news is that Serena was reunited with her future husband, Justin Morneau…even if it was from a slight distance.

Strangely enough, in the 6th inning, Serena needed a snack. One would think that after the large meal she ate before the game started that she wouldn’t need to eat for several days, but no. She got hungry. She might have a tapeworm. She picked up a hot pretzel from a nearby stand. However, just like on Opening Day, by the time she returned to our seats, the pretzel was cold. Fail. Again.

The game went by rather quickly. After the Yankees scored 4 runs in the 1st and 2nd, the Yankees’ offense was relatively quiet. The Twins made a few mock attempts at rallying without success.

Since this would be our last Yankees game of the season (the rest of the year being dedicate to our travels to other teams’ stadiums), we forced ourselves to eat a sausage sandwich. Actually, let’s be serious. It’s not like we “forced” ourselves to eat the sandwich. We were perfectly happy to pay $8 to gorge ourselves on spicy Italian meat, bread, onions, and green peppers. We ate while watching the rest of the inning standing at a nearby buffet table.

With the score 4-3 in favor of the Yankees, Mariano Rivera entered in the 9th to close things out, which he did without any heart-palpitating incidents.

We made it onto the D train easily, barely having to wait in the station. Unfortunately, when we got off at the 7th Avenue station to transfer to the E, we discovered that the E train temporarily wouldn’t be running on that track for maintenance reasons. Thankfully, we knew where the nearest F train station was (and by nearest, we mean four blocks over and two blocks down), so we just walked over (look at us exercising!). Just a slight detour. No biggie.

Only a few baseball notes this week:
As many of you probably heard by now, Manny Ramirez has officially retired from baseball…because he didn’t feel like serving his 100-day suspension for testing positive for steroids…again. Wow, Manny. You never cease to amaze us. You’re truly a special breed of animal. Congratulations. A$$ clown.

Has anyone seen the Head & Shoulders commercial where Joe Mauer makes fun of Troy Polamalu? It’s hilarious. By the way, we just Googled. It appears that Troy Polamalu is Greek Orthodox. In case you were interested…

We’re watching Sunday night baseball and prior to the game, an ESPN interviewer spoke to Clay Buchholz. We don’t like spreading rumors, but we strongly feel that he is malnourished. He might be anorexic. Someone should call a medical professional. It could be an emergency.

We’re happy to report that tonight’s blog only took us three hours as opposed to last week’s ridiculous marathon. We think we might be getting better at this. More focused…