A pot luck of topics from disaster relief efforts, frugal travel, to living with ptsd, to aspiring dreamer of dreams.. it's all here

February 20, 2016March 6, 2016

Moving Forward After Losing A Child

Three years ago I lost my 4 year old
son, Tyler. I was a stay at home mom in a long term relationship with another woman. I was there before he was ever even born.. Went to the doctor appointments, cooked the nutritious food for his biological mother to eat, so that he would be healthy.. I was his mother.. Until we broke up, and she exercised her biological mother card. If I’d only known what would come next I might’ve fought a little harder. It’s been a long ongoing process of letting go.
My plan was to pick up incense and warming oils at the flea market.. But apparently that isn’t that high on the totem pole. Luckily I finished writing my last entry late, because right after that I got a phone call from the HSSM, the local humane society, wanting to send a truck to pick up the stuff I wanted to donate. I let her know that I had a meeting to go to at 11am… Completely fighting the urge for this to be the excuse that I don’t make my first OA meeting. She sent the truck right away…

I hurried to get dressed and went downstairs to start moving the load forward. “Well, goodbye Tyler” I thought to myself.. Kinda sad. I debated holding onto the things people had asked for.. Until I saw them.. Or the crib so that I could sell it… “Nope.. It’s time for it all to go… Everything” I thought.. Kinda excited about what my storage room and garage was going to transform into. I’ve accumulated so much camping stuff that it needs some organization down there.

Up pulled the truck. I saw the animals on the sides of it and smiled. The fact that Tyler’s belongings were all going to the thrift store at the animal shelter, to help animals.. It was pretty puuuurfect. Tyler and I used to have outings to the animal shelter.

We’d see the animals and watch the families all excited that they had a new family member. There is a lot of love in those buildings, and even tho we didn’t need to bring one home.. It still put love in our hearts. Nowadays it wouldn’t be responsible for me to adopt a pet. I travel a LOT

and I wouldn’t make a very good parent. I believe that I’m not meant to be tied down right now. I need the freedom to stretch and grow.. Make my mark on the world.. Be the change I want to see.. And inspire others to be and do the same .. And then one day when I’m older.. And I’m ready to settle down.. I’m sure there will be kids that would love a home.. Pre teens, or teenagers… The kids that our society throws away. Teens that I’m sure will benefit from my love.. “Grandmas house” will have a home for a dog.. A border collie 🙂 but until then.. Visiting the animal shelter and hanging out with them definitely gives me my fix. It’s always great therapy.

They loaded everything up, and pulled away.. Thanking me for the donation. I feel embarrassed a little because the stuff was in need of another clean .. There was a bike that I didn’t think would be new enough to take.. But they took it. I guess if it was that bike or no bike it would make a child happy. I’m so thankful for the every day lessons of gratitude that come into my life. The clear mind that allows me to see the blessings in my life… To see the way the universe shows up for me.. My higher power.. My God.
They left just in time for me to head to the OA meeting. Boy…. Wait until you read that one!!