God is Good - ALL THE TIME!
We were supposed to have a baby, but had an angel instead. It's all part of His grander plan - a plan that we may never fully understand, but we will take life a day at a time (sometimes moment at a time) and appreciate life in a new way.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I was so exhausted and emotionally depleted when I posted my Thanksgiving blog that I didn't include one of the most amazing things that happened. It SNOWED!!! For those who may just be joining our story (read early posts from April) - we feel snow is AJ visiting to remind us he is with us and God's way of reminding us He has it all under control.

Eli was so excited - I was crying and daddy was working the camera. Eli says, "Mommy - can we call AJ and tell him thank you for the snow?" It was the cutest thing ever!!!! In the midst of sadness and straight-up heartache for AJ not being here on Thanksgiving, God answered the cries and prayers to carry us through the day with snow!! Amazing!

I've been feeling really down for about the last two weeks...I guess it's just the holidays??? Friday AJ will be 8 months old...the past 8 months seem so blurred and unreal. I feel like at some point I will get to wake up and it will all be ok. But I won't...and it won't. Some MEND people say that the one year mark makes a difference...I suppose we will see. For now, I will appreciate the little things like snow, pray my feet will hit the floor each day, and endure moment by moment the life we have been given to live.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I was at Target and picked up Joel Olsteen's book "Your best life now" to peruse while the boys looked at toys. I turned to a chapter titled "Find strength through adversity". I thumbed a few pages and in there something popped off the page at me.

~~Even if your sitting down, stand up inside.~~

I feel like I'm doing the exact opposite of this...I stand up daily outside, but I just can't stand up inside. God props me up daily, but if I allow myself to get too far away I just decide it's easier to sit back down than continue to stand. It is a really exhausting cycle that God uses to strength-train us in life....building our endurance. (and I'm ok with that...it's just not easy.)

I know my strength comes from the Lord not only in adversity, but always. Thank God for His promises!!!

Well, the impending holidays are taking their toll and haven't even arrived yet. I was in "Martha" mode - planning and such until I took the time to realize what was before me. It's been a while since my last late night musing...so here it is.

We went to our monthly MEND meeting last week and on the way home it hit me...I don't really want to be around anyone (family please don't take this personally) or be thankful for anything or hear anyone be thankful for anything this year. I really just want to stay closed up in our house - with my family - and forget that it is "Thanksgiving". --I even asked Al if we could just go camping to get away so I don't have to deal with anything.--

Don't get me wrong...I am thankful for my wonderful husband, my two beautiful sons, my family, friends, job, etc...but I just don't feel like talking about it. Words are so hard to find on a good day...they will be impossible on a holiday. I don't want to hear anyone talk about how thankful they are for anything they have or will have or wish they had. Selfish as it may be...it's just how I feel and that's that!!

My coveted Lillian Vernon catalogue came a couple of weeks ago - TEARS!! when I opened to remember that I would not be ordering another stocking to hang on the fire place...and then I decided to do just that. Order Mr. AJ a stocking to take his rightful place on the hearth with the rest of the family...Al and I discussed it and decided that we would invite friends and family to write notes to AJ every year and fill his stocking with memories for his book. Then at MEND someone recommended that people could write notes to us on how AJ's life has changed or impressed their life. They said that it is very uplifting to go back and read each year and see how our baby's life changed or helped someone else. So family and friends, feel free to start writing your notes to go in AJ's stocking...we'll need something to smile about.

For Christmas, we are going to escape the metroplex and go to South Dakota for my Granny's 97th birthday (on Christmas day). I haven't really looked at Christmas as "Christmas" because it is my Granny's birthday and we are not exchanging gifts or anything so it really hasn't "hit" me yet about the holiday...maybe I'll be blessed to escape a breakdown if I'm not at home?? (wishful thinking). I am having a really hard time with the thought of getting all of my Christmas things out...and Christmas is usually my favorite holiday. I just don't have it in me.

Pray that God can place joy in our hearts this holiday season in some way. Peace to all.