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New Brexit secretary resigns before getting to his office

In what is thought to be a record even for Theresa May’s administration, her new choice for Brexit Secretary, Dominic Raab, has resigned before she even had the chance to properly appoint him.

Raab, who is not a type of car, was a surprise choice for the post, having hitherto held a relatively junior position at the Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, as Minister for Tinned Vegetables.

However, he said that May’s seeking to appoint him to the post had placed him in a position where he had to examine his conscience and consider how he could best serve his country. “And besides, I don’t want to be the duffer holding the parcel when it blows up in my face.”

As his replacement, May is said to be considering one of the traffic cones currently outside Downing Street. On hearing the news, the traffic cone started drafting its resignation letter immediately.