Archive for February 2nd, 2014

Renowned for his trademark ‘bat-shit crazy’ recipes such as snail porridge, and bacon and egg ice cream, celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal has been accused of going “a bit far” by hygiene inspectors with the introduction of his new, experimental, Norovirus soufflé in his London restaurant, Dinner.

Customers who chose the perilous dish said they experienced a unique taste sensation, shortly followed by a variety of increasingly severe stomach pains, violent vomiting and lingering diarrhoea. A source close to Blumenthal said that the gourmet found the diners’ reactions “helpful in his ongoing quest to literally confuse the shit out of the relatively well-off. However, the fucker left me to deal with their ‘reactions’ in the toilets afterwards.”

J K Rowling has revealed in an interview that, realistically, Ron Weasley “had about as much chance of banging Hermione as Anne Widdecombe has of being held passionately by someone who has working eyes.”

The author said “Looking at Rupert Grint, and then at Daniel Radcliffe – and then back at Rupert Grint, and then back at Daniel Radcliffe again, you have to say that Hermione would have been a bloody idiot to settle for either of them.

“If I had had any sense, I would have made her tell them both to fuck off, leave that whining little speccy git to his doom, and

“Honestly, how do you little oiks expect to get anywhere in the modern business world if you don’t even know when the Battle of Thermopylae was?”

Michael Gove denied this morning that he was getting rid of Ofsted head, Baronness Morgan, for political reasons, and insisted he merely wanted to “refresh the department”.

His announcement was immediately followed by a unanimous petition from the entire Department for Education and the National Union of Teachers, asking the Prime Minister to refresh the country’s educational establishment by crushing the Education Secretary in an industrial-size compactor.

Civil service spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Apparently Baroness Morgan, who happens to be a Labour supporter, is not being replaced with a Tory for partisan

“Ooh look, you can almost see a bit of the pitch in the footage of this match. We’ve still not quite worked out what that’s for…”

Football fans from Sunderland and Newcastle expressed their “pervading sense of disappointment” this morning, after last night’s match provoked no more than a scattering of small riots, with only ten arrests made, and not a single brutal murder.

The two sets of fans – justly celebrated for their disproportionately bitter sense of rivalry, mutual hatred, and tendency to headbutt one another indiscriminately, and irrespective of who actually wins – were successfully kept apart by police escorts.

Joe ‘Hooligan’ Meatball, head of the Newcastle Fans Association, said “The coppers ruined what could have been a really spectacular dust-up. The conditions were perfect, animosity levels were running at 89%, we’d been practising hard all season, and had a brilliant strategy of attacking up the wing with broken bottles, whilst