Scientists now say that they're extremely close to making a vaccine against addiction to drugs like cocaine. "I just need 20... no, 40 dollars to finish up the project," say scientists, their bloodshot eyes darting around nervously. "I'll pay you back man, I promise."

Turns out that a contraceptive popular among African women actually doubles the risk of getting HIV. Well Christ, it's hardly worth using then, is it? You don't get pregnant but you get HIV?! That is so dumb! I don't even think women should use it any more! Does anyone understand what I'm saying? Am I a lone voice in the wilderness? Don't you see—it has a downside! Someone please try to comprehend this! I'm not a hero, I'm just a man talking sense.

"That's the reason why instead of walking 12 minutes to the train station, I've begun driving instead," says this article that is in the "Health & Wellness" section.

Pale-skinned people need to take Vitamin D supplements, they tell us now. And who are "they?" People with tans, probably. Fuck you guys. The Irish will punch you for talking to us like that, or just for no reason at all, really.