Bring Back The Rope

Argument: Bring Back The Rope

You are the biggest p*ssy in history. In fact, let's go even further: without a doubt, you are the most pathetic weakling in history and prehistory.

If you haven’t already broken your computer screen to prove us wrong, we’re all bigger wimps than any man in time. According to Australian anthropologist Peter McAllister in his brand new book Manthropology, many prehistoric Australian aboriginals would out-sprint Usain Bolt and any Neanderthal woman would out arm wrestle Arnold Schwarzenegger, even in his prime. He attributes this to modern man’s physical inactivity since the industrial revolution. So, if that's not enough to convince you that we need to bring back the rope, read on...

man boobs for all

Our relative lethargy is not news. The next illustration after modern man on the evolutionary chart will be Homomanboobian. Adam Carolla argues that taking the ropes down in gym class has turned this generation of men into sniveling p*ssies. While this obviously is not the sole reason, it’s a very apt example of our decline.

Climbing a rope is tough, and many boys can't do it, especially today’s fatties. The same coddling parents who turned their sons into meatballs turned their overprotective attention on the schools and blamed the administration if young butterball Timmy feels shame. The pressure persuades schools to slacken standards and, thus, the ropes have been taken down. While kids may feel better that day, they lose important lessons: the need to overcome adversity, the iniquity of life and that satisfaction of physical strength. We say bring back the rope.

The rope is literal, but it also represents America’s overwhelming willingness to lower the bar (take down the ropes) in a number of areas so everyone feels better. Test standards are lowered and expectations loosened. We’ve become the kid on the playground who keeps changing the rules of the game because he’s not winning. However, that rope has not been removed in the adult world. Corporations expect higher performance from employees now more than ever. We have to compete with international workers who can do many of the same jobs for less.

Obviously, pumping iron will not help a guy in Silicon Valley code faster than a man in China. Bodybuilders are not usually brainiacs, but physical wellness often corresponds with overall endurance, even of the mental kind. Imparting schoolchildren with the desire to set goals and defeat obstacles will stay with them.

you think you're the sh*t?

This generation has a gigantic sense of entitlement. It’s because reality never hit them as children. Reality hits the chubby kid when he gets laughed at for not getting a foot off the ground while climbing the rope. He says: “This sucks, I’m going to work out until I’m able to climb” or “Well, I’m not made for this. I’ll focus on math so I can be the best at something else.” Instead, we have 200-pound kids believing they’ll grow up to be NBA players. And those kids turn into adults who spend all their time on MySpace trying to get strangers to listen to their home-recorded rap single. Those are the same people who complain about life not being fair. Oh really? You should have learned that at age 8! Once they realize that their dreams are overwhelmingly unrealistic, most become complacent with mediocrity. Loss of drive should be measured along with rising obesity rates.

Goals to turn modern man into a physically active race need to be set. Feeling fit boosts confidence. Confidence is infectious and addictive. It attracts women. Men will begin looking for other ways to score confidence in their careers and societal involvement.

rope it up

Bring back the rope, not only in schools, but also in office buildings, government institutions and restaurants (you can't order the porterhouse unless you can climb). On the ceiling above each rope, place an image of a female Neanderthal. Until all modern men can beat her in arm wrestling, we have some work to do. We need a plan, and part of that plan should be to bring back the rope.