Primaries — Should We Hold Them at All?

I was asked to write about the three primaries I find most interesting. I am not the person to be writing about primaries because 20 years ago I filed a federal suit asking that primaries be either eliminated or paid for by the parties instead of the taxpayers. My primary bitch, then and now, relates to the taxpaying public who pays for private clubs’ beauty contests. Why should we shell out tax dollars for this?

Anyway, Jamestown and Woonsocket, having held off-year elections, I guess makes them among the most interesting races. Both parties’ gubernatorial primaries and the Providence Democratic mayoral contest also qualify.

1. The Democratic gubernatorial primary is shaping up as the teacher unions, versus the minorities, versus the iron worker supported-superhero-feminist who needs stay-at-home moms for cooking tips, versus the save-the-seal environmentalist.

Ask yourself, did it ever really matter who won the “Gong Show?” In considering a candidate I usually try to think of being stuck at a boring cocktail party. Who would you rather have talking to you until your date is drunk enough to leave? Decide, then vote.

Is Clay or Michelle running for governor? I get so confused.

Providence’s crime rate only indicates that Tavares may be an angel, but not a guardian one. His jump into the statewide candidate pool may be a bit premature. Cement never makes as big a splash as water.

As for Giroux, I never understood how his programs would work, but when did that ever matter? My biggest question is, why enter a race that is so dependent on party insiders without a strong get out the vote behind you? It is like bringing a rock to a gunfight.

And then there’s Supermondo. Hey, I never thought of this, but we should have kids tell us about their parent running for election. Screw the candidate debates on issues, just have a good ole’ schoolyard battle over whose mom or dad would make the better governor. I think the kids would be far more honest answering questions. It worked for Art Linkletter, and don’t forget that McDonald’s has proven that children make most family choices.

So, to sum up my picks, if you are a teacher – Pell; a Hispanic or East Side liberal – Tavares; a person who stumbled into the primary thinking we need more office holders with a “q” or an “x” in his or her surname – Giroux; or a crime victim, recipe collector, or a person who was not overly disappointed when you discovered that Gina really didn’t have balls after all – Raimondo. Where does she find phonebooths to change in during this era of the cell phone?

You’re on your own here, folks.

2. Equally as dismal is the Republican contest – expected to top the attendance record of the Warren High School Class of 1938 reunion. What does it say when a party lacks candidates to fill all the races, yet has a gubernatorial primary?

Does anyone care who is more Republican? I say they should settle this dispute by showing us which of them has what it takes to get an elephant tattoo, you know, something real creative around the crotch area to emphasize the trunk (and don’t forget, size matters). To me, if one of them did that, I would conclude definitively, he was the more Republican. And you wondered what the Republican party could do to attract more women.

The irony in this race is that pseudo-Republican Block can act like a real Republican and buy enough voters to win by using a concentrated get out the vote effort. Fung, meanwhile, could get the much needed Second Amendment support by noting that it was the Chinese who invented gun powder.

3. And then there is the Providence mayoral primary where the goal is to find a Democrat to beat Buddy. This leads me to favor anyone with a slingshot and the name ‘David’ or, in the alternative, a candidate who gets a name change to ‘Vincent aCianci’ or to ‘Buddy Cianci’, since the real Cianci is registered as ‘Vincent A. Cianci’. You could easily pry away 25 percent of his vote and it has a more positive feeling than ‘Not Vincent A. Cianci’ or ‘No Buddy’.

If little else, this race will measure the strength of the Hispanic vote against the gay vote against the machine vote against the East Side vote against the minority vote against the women’s vote. I think it is a great exercise in electoral currency valuation and will show the politically astute Cianci where he could best get a bang for his advertising buck in the general election.

The outcome of this race is immaterial. The real issue is whether all those Democrat votes will unify behind the nominee. In short, the general election will determine whether the public just wants a Fuck-Buddy for four years.

I think that we should all go out to vote in any primary, especially if you don’t really care or want to take the time to understand the candidates. Make believe you are voting in some other ridiculous poll. Go in and write in “Iggy’s Doughboys” or your second choice for “American Idol.” It has about the same relevance, and besides, you’re paying for it.