Allen Bauer: [drunk] I don't ask for much. I don't ask to be rich, and I don't ask to be famous, and I don't ask to play center field for the New York Yankees. I just want to get married and have a wife, and a house, and have a kid, and I want to go see him be a tooth in the school field.

[Allen has passed out and laying on the bar in a snack bowl]

Freddie Bauer: You see, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratio. How drunk you get is caused by the amount of alcohol you consume in relation to your total body weight. You see my point? It's not that you had too much to drink. You're just too skinny.

[Allen remains comatose]

Freddie Bauer: Bartender, Another round for my friend and I here!

Allen Bauer: No, no, Freddie! I don't want to get drunk!

Freddie Bauer: But you are drunk. You see, a sober person would have reached for the pretzels.

Bartender: Is he gonna be up there all day?

Freddie Bauer: I don't know.

Allen Bauer: [coming to] Ohh... I'm on the bar!

Freddie Bauer: Oh, you're on the bar. Here, let me help you down.

[Allen slips and falls to the floor]

Freddie Bauer: Uh-oh, you fell.

Claude: There's a guy down the beach that runs people out to the island.

Allen Bauer: All right, Madison, now this is getting scary. If you don't open this, I'm going to break it down! All right, that's it! [busts the door open to see Madison laying on the bathroom floor] Why wouldn't you let me in?

Madison: I was... shy.

Allen Bauer: You were shy? After the cab, the elevator, and on top of the refrigerator, you were shy?

Madison: [matter-of-factly] I was shy.

Allen Bauer: [to himself] She was shy.

Allen Bauer: Freddie, the woman learned how to speak English in a single afternoon.

Freddie Bauer: She could probably speak English already. I think she was in shock from being arrested, you know?

Allen Bauer: Well now, what about that, huh? What about a woman showing up naked in a public place, Freddie?

Freddie Bauer: Well I'm in for it, of course.

Dr. Zidell: What's happened to you? You were the brightest student in my class. True, emotionally you were twelve years old.

Walter Kornbluth: She has legs out of the water, she has fins in the water. You taught me that, Dr. Zidell, don't you remember? You taught me all the legends.

Madison: You said whatever my secret was, you'd understand.

Allen Bauer: Yeah...but...

Madison: You thought at least I was a human being.

[Allen is being mobbed by reporters]

Freddie Bauer: Allen, you all right?

Allen Bauer: Yeah, get me outta here!

Freddie Bauer: Is anyone here from Penthouse Magazine?

Reporters: No.

Freddie Bauer: Then we ain't talkin'.

[Allen sees his employees staring at him.]

Freddie Bauer: What are you looking at? You never saw a guy who slept with a fish before? Get back to work!

[Allen and Freddie are about to enter the office]

Mrs. Stimler: [to Allen] Oh Mr. Bauer, you had a million messages. I wrote them down here. You got calls from CBS, NBC, ABC, AP, UPI, Time, Ted Turner, Newsweek, Marineland, Ripley's Believe it or Not, and Mrs. Paul.

Freddie Bauer: Not now, Mrs. Stimler. All right.

Allen Bauer: I don't understand. All my life, I've been waiting for someone and when I find her, she's... she's a fish.

Freddie Bauer: Nobody said love's perfect.

Allen Bauer: Oh, Freddie, I don't expect it to be perfect! But for God's sake, it's usually human! Every day, people meet, they fall in love, every day! And look at what I got.

Freddie Bauer: [angrily] Yeah, let's look at what you got. Let's take a good look at what you got. People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said?

Allen Bauer: Yeah.

Freddie Bauer: Yeah? Well, that's a crock. It doesn't work that way. Look, do you realize how happy you were with her? That is, of course, when you weren't driving youself crazy. Every day? Come on. Some people will never be that happy. I'll never be that happy! [pause] What am I talking to you for? You don't know anything. Mrs. Stimler. [leaves the office]

Allen Bauer: I didn't even like you when I first you.

Walter Kornbluth: Nobody likes me when they first meet me.

Madison: Allen...

[Allen and Kornbluth look back to see the Marines approaching them]

Walter Kornbluth: Move!

Taglines

Two days ago, this girl showed up naked at the Statue of Liberty. For Allen Bauer, it was love at first sight. Now, everyone is chasing her... trying to prove she's a mermaid. For the first laugh, you'll be hooked.

Allen Bauer thought he'd never find the right woman... He was only half wrong!

She was the women of his dreams. She had large dark eyes, a beautiful smile, and a great pair of fins.