At long last the moment is upon us. After what seems like an eternity, this weekend sees the final of The X Factor. Spread over two nights.

How will we bear the tension of waiting to find out which of the three finalists will prevail? It’s likely to be even more nerve-wracking than trying to guess which artist will beat The X Factor winner to the Christmas number one spot.

Here are some handy hints on how to keep the stress levels down this weekend.

Boob wars. Yes, watch as judges Louis Walsh and Gary Barlow go head to head once more to see he can keep their man boobs under wraps the best. It’s the fashion contest the tabloids have ignored, but you can have fun with it.

Fashion wars. Observe the outfits worn by the other two judges, Nicole Scherzinger and Tulisa Contostavlos and then compare how they are rated online by the Daily Mail and The Mirror. Which paper will sneer the most and how many words will be written about the amount of cleavage on show?

Take it on the chin. See how well Side-On Gary takes any criticism leveled at his song selection. And ponder how many of his chins might be on display if he actually faced directly into the camera.

Roots. Try to keep count of the number of times Tulisa uses the word ‘urban’. And also cast your mind back to that brief spell when she was blonde.

Spot the sense. As Louis continues to babble like a leprechaun who’s bathed in a bottle of Jameson’s, keep a close ear out for the occasional morsel of commonsense. He does occasionally say something that isn’t inane, the real trick is staying switched on enough to spot it.

Dancing queen. Nicole likes to shake her booty. She will dance in a highly demonstrative manner on many occasions. Try to decide if this is to show support for the act or an attempt to divert attention back to herself.

And so, to the performers themselves.

James Arthur. This man effects misery so much you suspect the only thing that would make him smile would be if Morrissey came on stage, stroking Russell Brand’s cat, and offered to read poetry to him. You can make him more interesting by seeing at what point, if any, someone else refers to the Twitter beasting he got from Frankie Boyle.

Jahmene Douglas. See how long you can go before shouting at him: ‘Just man up will you!’ Don’t worry about upsetting him, he can’t hear you.

Christopher Maloney. See if he can finally wear a coat or jacket without turning up the collar. And also see his mentor Gary squirm because, when it comes to the crunch, no one involved in the X Factor wants him to win.

And finally

Talent: Don’t forget to marvel at the level of performance from all involved and see how many times you reflect that, no matter how bad it gets, it’s still better than Cheryl Cole trying to sing live.