You aren’t seen by anyone but I can definitely feel you, you’re always there haunting me.

You don’t even exist to some people which then makes me look weird to said people.

You just make me so mad, so sad… and I want to scream and shout and throw things at you. I want to make you go away. I want to kick you out. Because then I MIGHT be able to live.
But how can I kick you out when you live inside of me?

How can I get rid of you, Anxiety?

You’re my constant nightmare.

Except…

You’re there 24/7

And no matter how many times I kick you out, you always find a way back in.

Whether it’s when you raise your hand to answer a question in school or it’s a mini-argument about opinions or facts with your friends.

It’s okay to be wrong. But it’s embarrassing. Our pride gets bruised and how the other person responds to the incorrectness is crucial to how we’re going to feel about being wrong.

Either way, being wrong sucks. But it’s okay to be wrong— because that’s how we learn.

But what if you were wrong about how a person felt towards you?

Do you know what that’s like?

If you don’t, you’re lucky. If you do, wow. It truly, honestly feels like crap.

It’s extremely hard to be shown the truth. Because your mind has already put this perception of “how they felt” in your mind and it’s hard to let it go. It’s like believing in something for a long time and then figuring out the mind-blowing truth. The only examples I can think of are Santa Clause and the tooth fairy but it’s deeper than child beliefs. It’s a person… and your heart.

If there are signs and memories involved. Woh, that makes the situation ten times tougher. There were, what seemed to look like, “hints” that your mind and heart considered. How you think they felt is of course backed by evidence and this is the evidence. How they acted towards you. How they talked to you, their word choice. It’s all considered. But now that the truth is out and they actually don’t feel the way your mind perceives— what’s to become of those signs now? What were they? Who was this person, really?

And to not only be wrong about how they feel but also about who they are? It’s horrible.

Especially if you let the person in and opened up to them in a way you’ve never opened up to anyone else. But that never mattered to them.

Actually, nothing involving you mattered to them. No matter how much your heart wanted to push that thought away, maybe it’s the truth. If it’s not, where are they to prove you wrong?

Maybe all those weeks of pushing for the relationship to keep standing, it was just always meant to fall apart. You can’t force something that’s not there… that doesn’t want to be there in the first place: feelings or friendship.

It takes two people to build and maintain a relationship and if you have to question the other person’s intentions and whether they care about you, not because you’re scared but because they never proved to have cared… there’s a problem. And if you have to guess their feelings based on signs— you know that there is a miscommunication somewhere.

It’s dark and depressing to be wrong about someone and the way they feel. So don’t force a relationship if your thoughts and perceptions of the person are what you have to believe in instead of the person itself. If the person doesn’t show you who they really are then what’s making you stick around?

Don’t stay just to be burned. Trust me, this is coming from a girl who’s just been incinerated.

I knowww my blogging game truly sucks. But I’m going to try really hard. It’s like I stopped using blogging as my therapy and I miss it. I vaguely remember whenever I had feelings or emotions to vent, I always pulled up this page and it made me feel better. But so many factors have ruined that feeling for me. But I’m going to try harder.

Excuse me is there some time genie I could talk to about this? Because…

06.21.17

I GOT MY FRICKIN LICENSE!!!

Of course, I was so nervous and I blanked out when I had to start the car (fortunately they didn’t test me on that).

But my uncle knew I was nervous and he eased my nerves. Practicing with him has helped me a lot (I mean compared to my dad’s teaching yelling, yes, my uncle has helped me a lot). He prayed for me before the test and he kept me calm. And the moment I passed he gave me a side hug and told me that he knew I could do it.

So during the test, I was a shaky mess. But I kept under the speed limit and kept within the lines, and parked very nicely. The lady wasn’t mean, she was very calm. When she said the words, “You passed.” I couldn’t really believe it because she said like it was something casual and she like packed it in with the rest of what she said, so the “You passed” was packed in with everything else she said. But once I registered it, it was like “Wait, what? Did you just say I passed? I passed?!?” I was smiling so much, everyone in front of the motor vehicle place was staring at me like “Why is this girl smiling she’s literally walking into the place where time stands still (because it literally does)?”

Even though I was really happy, the place really killed my vibe. I waited until the place closed aka 2 hours later. I was cold and hungry. I really don’t know what happened. They never called my ticket number. By the time I went to the counter and the lady (who I have to say, was extremely nice) asked me “Are you excited to get your license?” I responded with excitement, or at least I tried to… the near-hypothermia might’ve messed up the excitement.

But on Monday, I got my license in the mail and I’m so so so happy.

06.28.17

I took my senior pictures!!

I had to go to school early for this college workshop at like 10 until 12 then I had to go for my pictures at 1:15. So what would I do for an hour and 15 minutes? I went to Macdonald’s. It was so nice. I just spent time with myself sipping a smoothie. But I didn’t feel lonely. It was so nice to just be in that moment with myself.

Lol then I had to do my makeup in a Macdonald’s bathroom. But can I just say that the one near my school, the one I went to, they play some really good music. Lol I felt so pumped and confident while I put my makeup on.

Then I went back to school to take the pictures. You know what they were playing when I walked in? A Fifth Harmony song. They were playing Fifth. Harmony. It’s like they knew I was coming lol. It turned out really good. The photographer was really nice and he actually showed me the pictures and I looked so grown up that I had to take a reality check and ask myself “Woah, wait, that’s really me?”

So yeah that’s been the growing up that I’ve done so far. Honestly, I’m not freaking out like “Nooooo, I don’t want to grow up!” I’m kind of finding myself easing into all of this day by day. Like I”m growing up, finally. I’m maturing. I’m becoming who I am.

I mean I had anxiety in both instances. Mostly in the second instance because no one was there with me. But I made it through. I made it through? Agh I did!

And now it’s the finish, the end. Well, not really the end of life or anything but it’s the end of my junior year.

Already? It literally feels like just yesterday the school year started. Okayyy… maybe not just yesterday but when I think of the first day of school I think, “Woah that was 10 months ago?!!?” But when I think about the journey it took to get me here, it D.E.F.I.N.I.T.E.L.Y. does not feel like the first day of school was yesterday anymore.

Honestly, I think this is my favorite year of high school (hopefully, so far) freshman year comes as second, and sophomore year: third.

This school year definitely didn’t start out good. What first day starts out good? But overall, looking back the school year turned out to be good even though I did have my crappy moments.

I made some real friends this year (hopefully). One of my real friends is the friend I made in my chem class. From the moment we met, we literally vibed so much. We could tell each other anything at this point. It’s been so nice to have her there and not only there in that class but there in any situation: she’s helped me figure out my major for college, she helped me with Phoenix, etc. Even once, we had a fire drill and she went to hang out with her friends but she didn’t leave me alone she let me be included with her group of friends and it was just so nice of her. Another real friend was Phoenix. To be honest, apart from the feelings and everything else it really is nice to know that he’s real and not fake. The fact that he wants to know more about me and wants to willingly hang out with me is something I can’t even begin to describe. I made some real friendships with lower classmen and I feel like a big sister to them because I’ve been through what they might be going through school-wise although, they never fail to make me feel old.

I started my hello junior year posts with a breakdown of all the periods and how they all were the first day and I think it should be tradition to say how they all ended. (This focuses around second semester)

Period 1: Piano

Honestly, this class was boring sometimes. There were days where I would just sit in my seat and try to find something to play but nothing. My teacher never really had a lesson plan so everything was freelance. But, I did learn some piano and I’m going to buy piano books to teach myself. I’m still learning “A Thousand Years” and I’m nearing the end of the song. But, this last day it was so cool because the whole class got on a bunch of pianos and we had this jam session and it just sounded really cool. So cool that I wanted to record it but I couldn’t considering my hands were occupied.

Period 2: Modern World

One of my friends from freshman year was in this class and the first day she asked me to come sit near her, but the only seat near her was next to her friend. And it was awkward because her friend was in 2 of my previous classes in the previous years and we never really became friends. So it was me, her friend, then her. But as days and weeks passed I got to know her friend and her more and it was really nice. I actually ended up hanging out with her, some of her friends and my best friend this past week. It was really nice sitting next to those two. They never made one class boring. Even though sometimes I felt like the odd-one-out, overall they both made me really happy. Also after this period my friend and I would walk to our 4th period together and it was always so nice, she would dread about Spanish and I would sometimes dread about AP Language. It was really nice.

Period 3: Photography

At first, this class seemed lonely. Because none of my friends from my old photography class ended up in the same class as me. So it sucked at first. Then we had this photo assignment where we had to take pictures of each other and this girl didn’t have anyone so me and this girl I awkwardly asked beforehand if we could be partners let her take pictures with us. And a friendship started. Then she had another friend and I had friends. I wasn’t lonely. All of them were freshmen and sometimes it was overwhelming because one of my friends always talked about this shitty boy who never deserved my friend but no matter what she always went back to him. Stuff like that pissed me off and sometimes they were rude here and there and on the days where I wasn’t mentally okay I took it to heart. But I know that it doesn’t come from a place of hate. They really truly care about me. When I had strep throat they cared about where I was and that I felt okay.

But the content of the class- I didn’t really like it. The first semester, we were taking these aesthetic pictures with film and everything. My first semester teacher told me we would be more on the computers but I didn’t realize we would be learning more about photoshop than photography. I mean I didn’t mind the photoshop but my second semester teacher focused more on what we did on photoshop than our pictures itself. I just don’t really feel like I learned that much this semester compared to first semester. Plus my second semester teacher was never enthusiastic about things.

Period 4: AP Language & Composition

One of my friends from the previous semester was in this class so it was okay. We talked more this semester than last semester- so that was really nice. My teacher gave us this really inspiring speech about anything that we do should be seen as an accomplishment. Even little things like writing essays or research papers, they should be seen as accomplishments because some people can’t even do that and we should never take our abilities for granted. His class was really hard, I never got an A, always straight B’s and the papers were always hard. But he was a really good teacher and his acting when reading is really awesome.

Period 5: Chemistry

My everyday class. This class was only amazing because I had the real friend (that I talked about earlier) in this class. We both had the same class both semesters so that was honestly so perfect. We never really paid attention and when the test date came we were screwed but each time we made it through. We always made each other laugh because we have the same sense of humor and I can literally tell her anything. Even though chemistry haunted my life, I’m honestly so happy because I got to know such an amazing person (ohh noo I’m getting sappy)

Period 6: Lunch

Lunch was always good. I mean it’s lunch there was nothing exciting about it. But I’m so happy because my best friend and I had the same lunch for both semesters so that was amazing and a weight off the anxiety shoulders.

Period 7: Spanish

UDsafkalsdjfd Spanish. I mean trust me I’m all for speaking another language and learning about the culture. But this class drained me. The class was full of freshmen who never knew the right and wrong time to talk. And the grammar and remembering everything killed me. But I made it through. I actually made friends with this girl that the teacher assigned next to me and she was really funny but through half of the semester, she switched everyone’s seats so that sucked. But, oh my gosh, I actually made it through!

Period 8: Algebr(uh)a Two (Sorry I had to make that joke once in my life lol)

This class was so fun. I mean at first the teacher kinda scared me but she turned out to be so funny. And I sat with 2 people I knew from wayyyy back all the way to elementary school. It was always so fun doing worksheets with them. Even though it’s weird saying work was fun. Doing the work wasn’t fun but doing the work with them and working it out together was fun. We were always cracking jokes and laughing at anything. Lol I think our teacher got mad sometimes but even she joined in sometimes.

So there we go. That’s all that’s happened. From beginning to end. It’s so weird because in my sophomore year… I hated my sophomore year because I felt so alone and lost. That was the year I found out I had anxiety and so many things clicked this year like fake friends and all that. It was just such a bad year for me. But when I compare junior year to sophomore year, thank God that He carried me through. I prayed so much and He didn’t let me down. I don’t feel as lost anymore, or as lost as I was last year. It was horrible last year. But He put constants in my life: people, love, even happiness here and there. The only way I made it through was because God helped me and I had some amazing friends that pulled me through. I wanted to just give up and give in sometimes, but I never did.

I accomplished all I needed to do this year and I can overthink as much as I want but the way things happened, I can’t change them. I can’t do anything but be happy and marvel at the fact that I was able to make it through.

It’s honestly so weird to think that next school year, actually kind of right now, I’m officially a senior… I don’t think it’ll really click until August when school starts again. But I mean WHATSTSSDT???? I remember entering middle school (6th grade) and telling my friends “Woah we’re the big kids now.” And then 8th grade and feeling like the actual big kids considering we were the ones going to graduate. Then 9th grade rolled around and I was honestly so freakishly scared and frightened and everything to be going to high school. And now HERE I AM, about to be a senior. W.h.a.t. Literally, where is the time going?

Sometimes it feels like time goes by so slow, then other times it feels like it’s going so fast that I’m literally chasing it down for it to stop (which is weird because I hardly run). But let me not blow my mind too much thinking about the concept of time because that could last forever (lol get it?… I’m sorry haha).

I get really nostalgic thinking about time and how everything is going by so fast. Sometimes on my dark days, I want nothing more than to grow up, but once I’m there it’s not really what I want anymore. I think of all the goodbye’s and see you soon’s and talk to you soon’s and they’re just tugging at my heartstrings. I thought I would be more relieved but I’m experiencing that feeling of change again. Thinking about the friends who might not have the time to talk to me and how life is only going to be different and harder from here on out. I mean I actually have to think about college and everything. I’m getting anxiety. I just need to breathe and take everything day by day.

Here’s to the end of another year. You made it, Rebecca!

I really hope that if you read my first day and last day it was able to maybe teach you that no matter how anxious the beginning of something can be, the journey of it until the end might seem far away and hard to reach… but you can make it through.

You’re capable of more than you believe. So much more.

«Music Friday»

So all this week I listened to Halsey’s “Hopeless Fountain Kingdom” and it is honestly: so b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. Halsey is such a musical inspiration. Her album is a concept album which means that all the songs on the album hold a greater meaning together than individually. And Halsey said that this album is top to bottom about her being able to love herself after an abusive relationship. It’s so amazing. Plus, it’s like a scavenger hunt. If you check out her twitter you can see her fans figuring out new pieces behind her lyrics and it’s so beautiful that the story can keep being interpreted. (But be warned because there are explicit songs, I don’t know who might be reading this, just making sure I don’t offend young ears).

I hope you all had an amazing week. We made it through another one everyone!

To have something in control of your mind is exhausting and ironically…

hard to control.

You cannot control something/someone that controls you.

You submit.

And it’s the only thing you can do.

You submit so hard that you start believing and creating new feelings and emotions shaped to your controller’s beliefs.

Whether you’ve noticed or not you’ve started destroying and erasing pieces of yourself.

You’ve let your controller take over.

Have you ever watched a movie where a person is being mind-controlled and you’ve wondered well why can’t they just snap out of it with resilience?

But have you realized that the exact same thing is happening to you?

You’re being mind-controlled.

You’re being taken over.

You’re not being yourself.

Would you call that healthy?

Would you want that to keep going on?

Sometimes the thing or person controlling you isn’t always some guy in a cloak with out-of-this-world powers or a hypnotizing object. Sometimes what or who’s controlling you is unaware or not meant to control you, but you’ve let them control you.

Have you ever wished you could take back something? That you could go back to the past and undo actions that turned out to be hell? Well if you have, hop in because we’re in the same boat and that’s exactly what I’m going to talk about.

This is my disclaimer to you because this is a long and complicated rant, so buckle in if you’re ready to hear how opening up to a guy turned out.

You guys know Phoenix right? No? You’re new? Well in summary: he’s the guy I like and my friend who I text daily.

If you’re not new, you might’ve responded with: “He’s the guy who cares about you so much, I like him- he’s a keeper!” Well… now I’m not sure about that.

So if you read the last post I did which involved Phoenix (Boy Rant: What’s Wrong) everything was going fine. It was actually good. I guess this was life’s cue to turn everything into crap.

I thought he cared. I thought he was different. I thought I could open up to him.

Urgh, I’m getting carried away with the end of the story.

So, the days before Friday we kind of just had a conversation about him asking me what’s wrong and me being vague about it not wanting to talk about it/not wanting to open up to him. And I thought that everything was going to be okay. We were back to our regular conversation of long paragraphs and jokes. But of course, I just had to ruin it.

On Friday, I felt horrible and depressed, for reasons that I already shared. I wanted to talk to someone. I thought of talking to the texting hotline I contacted that previous Monday, but I thought that it would be too sudden considering that I talked to them just 4 days ago (I should have). I didn’t have any friends to go to (Or I thought I didn’t).

Then I remembered that Phoenix was there. He told me that if I’m ready to open up he’ll be there.

So I did.

I didn’t care about my anxiety. I didn’t care about anything really because I was too sad to care about anything.

So I texted him (on snapchat) about all my thoughts and feelings (not how I feel about him). I said something along the lines of: Explanations of why I don’t want to bother you, this is why I don’t want to open up to you, why I’m sad, why life sucks for me… other stuff I can’t remember. I ended up sending 3 full page messages to him. I poured my mind and my heart (not the part that likes him) to him.

On a Friday Night.

I didn’t feel all “that” anxious sending him that message not only because I was too sad to care, but also because he told me that he would be there when I was ready to open up to him. So what was there to feel completely (because of course, I still have anxiety) anxious about?

Turns out, I should’ve been overwhelmingly anxious about it and thought twice about sending that message.

Saturday morning, I felt even worse. Not because of him, but because of my sadness. I went to church and I felt like crap. I kept annoyingly looking at my phone to see if Phoenix texted me, to see if he could help me from digging myself into a deeper hole.

He didn’t text me but I see that he did post something on his story. I didn’t completely look at it, but it was a picture of one of his friends. And I knew in that moment- that I messed everything up. The one major reason that I didn’t want to be open with him (that I actually TOLD him in the message) is because he. has. a. fucking. life.

He has friends, family, a passion. He has a life. And what did the broken girl do? She had to burden him with her problems.

So I did the only thing I could do to pause my life. I turned off my phone. Not only because of him but because of everything. I just wanted the anxiety of him, everything concerning him to be turned off for a while. I wanted to isolate myself from my friends for a while. I wanted to stop worrying and overthinking because it really wasn’t helping that I was already feeling crappy about life. I just wanted that dumb phone to be turned off.

That Saturday afternoon turned out to be one of the worst in my life, I don’t want to revisit it.

Saturday afternoon becomes night and I figure I should turn my phone back on because curiosity is a disease.

I see that some of my friends sent me snapchats, but of course, the only conversation I worry about is the one where I carelessly talked about my thoughts to someone I met only a few months ago. I checked it and what do I see?

Opened at 11:25 A.M.

(Not sure about the 25, just emphasizing a point) He opened my message that Saturday morning. The time I felt the worst about myself. The time I needed someone to care a little bit.

And the one person I reached out to didn’t even care. Is opening a vulnerable text message and just ignoring it considered as caring?

I waited. Because sometimes he opens my messages, saves them, and responds later. But I was too scared to check if he saved them.

I thought that he would reply on Sunday. Nothing.

I was a mess considering the whole thing. I couldn’t believe I actually did what I did. I thought maybe if I slept enough it could be a dream. Maybe if I didn’t check my phone too much he’ll respond.

I thought that he would reply on Monday. Nothing.

I felt even worse but I was going to go over to my best friend’s house to hang out so my day wasn’t complete crap because of my thoughts. It actually helped me from overthinking too much. When I got to her house my phone was dying and I kind of wanted it to die because then I wouldn’t obsess over that dumb notification, hoping that everytime I see it, it’s him.

When I got home that night, I went to bed right away only picking up my phone to charge it the night before the first day of school after spring break.

Tuesday morning. 6 o’clock. Back to the same tired and groggy school routine. I check my notifications and I don’t see his name until I open the app and see that he did, in fact, text me.

Last night.

He texted me the night before school started. That previous Monday night. I texted him that dumb message of my thoughts on a Friday night. He only texted me because school would be the next day and he knew that he would see me.

We don’t have any classes together but I always pick my friend up after first period, and Phoenix has the same first period as her so I always see him. But, of course, I already thought of a way to not see him.

Because how could I?

I was literally drowning that weekend and I reached out to him, and all I got was radio silence, or water in my lungs if this is a metaphor. I knew that once I saw him in person I would immediately forgive him, but I can’t do that to myself. I can’t just forgive him because he’s him.

So I texted the friend that I pick up and told her lied to her that I had to stay a while in my first period class and that she should just go to class because I don’t want to make her late. She told me that she was really sad that she didn’t see me. I was sad too, I wish I didn’t have to do that. I felt so so bad.

Of course, I never opened Phoenix’s message because:

A. He deserves it, I am a girl and I’m allowed to be a bit petty lol and B. I was scared.

Whenever I thought of his awaiting message I thought of all I’ve said to him. And my anxiety came crashing in each time I did that. I sent him an essay basically and all he did was toss it aside like a piece of trash or disregard it like a homework assignment.

So I talked to some of my friends about it.

One of my freshmen friends who doesn’t know him told me that I can never open up to a guy. And I try explaining to her that he’s different, but in that moment I couldn’t think of anything to differentiate him from every other jerk-y guy.

I talked to the friend that I was supposed to pick up after first period about it and I asked her if maybe she could pick me up instead of the other way around. And she agreed, she didn’t even question it at first. After explaining to her which hallway my class was in, she then asked why. I told her it was because of him, who she knows because they have the same first period (I hope you’re able to understand these details ahh).

She’s not really his friend. I was kind of hesitant about telling this friend because I thought that she would tell him because when all three of us had the same class together last semester she loved to tease me about our friendship and how it’s something more. Even though I never told this friend I like him lol she just made fun of the fact that Phoenix was my friend. So I asked her not to tell him what I said and she said she wouldn’t and she doesn’t even talk to him.

It’s Tuesday night and I still have an awaiting message from him that I never opened. Even though he took 3 days to reply to me, doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to do the same to him. I felt bad for not responding in 12 hours. But I really didn’t want to open that message without someone. It was also easy to disregard the message this day because I was watching some movies at my friend’s house.

Wednesday morning.

The message is still there. I know, I know. I should just open it. But I can’t. What if I’m not prepared for what he would say?

It’s fifth period and my only in-school friend who knows that I like him is in this class. I thought about telling her about it, and also thought about the repercussions. But I mean how bad could it be talking to her about it?

So I tell her about the whole “What’s wrong” thing and she says “Aww” at first, but then I keep going with the story. And at the end oof the story, which is him opening the message and not responding until days later, she doesn’t know what to say. She tried telling me that I did nothing wrong.

But. why. do. I. feel. like. I. did?

Like it was my fault for opening up to him, even though he said I’ll be here when you’re ready to open up.

Then she asks me what his message said and I tell her I haven’t opened it.

Now you should know this about my friend, she’s very chill about things and she doesn’t like overthinking something too long. For example, yesterday she went on a field trip and the bus broke down and all her classmates were complaining about being late and other stuff and she was just like “Oh well, it’s not like the world’s ending.” She doesn’t like keeping her mind set on one problem, which is something I absolutely admire about her. But, of course, I’m an overthinker. She doesn’t even overthink about guys, especially about the guy she likes, she knows that she doesn’t have a chance with a guy but she’s perfectly o.k.a.y. with it.

Now that you know this, it makes sense that my friend wants me to simply open the message and see what it says. I tell her I can’t, I’m not chill like her. So she tells me she’ll read it for me. Minutes pass by as we try to listen to our teacher and she has some stories to personally share, her life is always interesting lol.

Then I open the message because being near her just made me create this mindset, “Let me just get it over with,” lol. So I slowly open up the message, and what do I see?

What was I constantly worrying about? What was I scared and anxious to open?

A dumb screenshot. He sent me a fucking screenshot.

I don’t know how many of you have snapchat, after this I’m thinking of deleting it, but you can watch these videos/articles (they call it stories) from like magazine brands like People or radio networks like iHeartRadio. It’s basically an electronic version of a magazine. And he sent me one of those stories and on it said: “You’re putting on chapstick wrong.”

You’re. putting. on. chapstick. wrong.

I was racking my brain worrying over how vulnerable I was and how he would respond and he sends me a fucking magazine article about putting my chapstick on wrong.

I hate cursing, I only do it when I’m mad. But why wouldn’t I be mad?

Wouldn’t you be mad?

If you opened up to someone you’re scared to open up to, you’re scared of what they say… but they just throw it aside like a used tissue, as if nothing ever happened.

I mean really, what happened?

I know I don’t know his side of the story. But I can’t just convince myself or lie to my heart that me opening up to him never happened- like he is supposedly doing. I mean it happened. As much as I want to sleep it untrue, it happened. But he’s acting as if I didn’t just send him a whole essay on my dark thoughts.

Did it really mean nothing to him that I was opening up a broken piece of myself? Did he just read the message and think “Nah, I don’t want to get caught up in this bullshit.”

I don’t know. I don’t know what he thought. But either way, it hurts. I don’t care what I’ve said in the past about him caring because as of right now, he doesn’t. As of right now, I want to hurt about this and be pissed at him even though he doesn’t know I’m pissed at him.

I want to be pissed at the one guy who seems indefinitely perfect in a world full of jerks. Makes it easier for me, huh?

Back to the story, my chill friend was going to respond to him with “No response to my rant?” but I didn’t want her to send that to him. So instead she wrote, “Mmmkay that’s nice.” Even though I wanted to say worse things or nothing at all.

And I don’t know why, but I thought I would get a response to that mmkay message. I didn’t. He just opened my message (this afternoon). I don’t really care about him just opening the mmkay message, it was nothing.

But when I saw that “opened” it felt different. I always had a feeling whenever he left my messages on open that he would later reply. But I have a feeling that he’s not going to reply to this one. Or reply at all…

I’m not just mad, I’m heartbroken. I was thinking of being blunt with him about it and just talking to him, but of course, he updated his snapchat story. For those who might not know a snapchat story is for all your friends to see, not just one person. I thought I should watch what he says before making another risky decision. Basically, the story was him talking about some soccer player.

Nothing, right? No.

This is his passion. His life. The last thing he needs is a girl asking him why he did the heartbreaking thing that he did. He doesn’t need burdens. He doesn’t need drama.

He doesn’t need me.

Look at what I did. I fell. Did I only open up to him because I like him? Because I thought maybe what he had to say would fix me? I don’t know. Maybe. I thought that maybe he actually cared like he always told me he did. Maybe I was falling too hard and I needed to catch myself before it got too severe. Too late.

Maybe I just wanted someone to be there for me and I thought him saying that he’ll be there for me to open up is the reason he was put in my life because of course, I have to believe in the dumb “things happen for a reason” philosophy. Maybe he’s a special friend, that’s why he’s still my friend and hasn’t left (don’t speak too soon). I just wanted to talk to someone, I just needed to get things off my chest.

So I ran to the person who told me he cared, but he doesn’t.

He just acted as if nothing happened.

Maybe you’ll tell me I should talk to him about it. But how can I? Imagine if you did the same thing:

Being vulnerable once was something, but twice?

I wish I could be my chill friend and be like “It’s not that deep,” but it is for me, and I don’t know how to change that.

Phoenix intentionally hurt me. He’s unintentionally hurt me when he was always with his ex-girlfriend. But this time, he did it on purpose.

And it hurts. So. Much.

I told him in my dumb, vulnerable message that I would understand if he left once he read that message- but I don’t understand.

I know now. Opening up to him was a bad decision. A bad decision I can never take back.

And the worst part is, that if he reaches out to me, I’ll just forgive him as if him hurting me was nothing. But I can’t keep repeatedly hurting myself. I can’t keep giving myself scars because I want to keep this guy in my life.

It’s hard enough trying to avoid seeing him in the hallways considering that my heart really wants to see him. But I can’t. I don’t want to do that to myself. I’m here heartbroken, while he’s there unfazed. I care so much about him, I even feel bad for wanting to share my feelings with him. But he…

One thing that I really like about my friendship with Phoenix is that he actually tries. We barely see each other but he makes sure to keep our text conversation going on snapchat. I mean I don’t think I’m currently talking to any friends who don’t have the same classes with me except him (and my best friends).

Phoenix kinda has a way of proving my anxiety and overthinking wrong. For example, when he leaves my messages on open and my mind is already considering 10039349 reasons as to why he doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore, he proves those reasons wrong by replying to those messages a few hours later.

On Monday morning when I was having one of my bad days, he texted me. I opened his message and I didn’t really know what to say. I usually reply to him in these long paragraphs, but this time I didn’t really have anything to say because I was really depressed. So I tried replying to his messages as best as I could but my long paragraphs were cut short.

A part of me wanted him to suspect that there was something wrong. But of course, why would he suspect something’s wrong? He can’t read my mind. I thought that him suspecting that something was wrong was just another one of my heart’s ridiculous scenarios.

Turns out my heart’s ridiculous scenarios… actually turned out to be right.

He replied to my messages with, “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

When I read that I freaked out and dropped my phone. Literally. Was I in one of my out of this world scenarios? No… I don’t think so. Everything felt pretty real.

He asked it. He wasn’t actually supposed to ask it. My bizarre “What if” scenario wasn’t actually supposed to happen. It was supposed to be just that… a made-up scenario.

He actually could tell that something was wrong.

Well of course me, being the curious and hard to let in person I am, had to reply to him with a simple, “Why do you ask that?”

He said that he was wondering and again asked me what’s wrong. I told him that everything is good and nothing’s wrong.

It was a half-lie because at this point in the conversation I was feeling better and nothing was wrong.

Honestly? I didn’t want to open up to him.

Because I knew that once I opened up to him I would then depend on him and I couldn’t depend on him. Especially whenever I crawl into my hole of darkness. He’s not going to always be there for me. He has a life and the last thing he needs is to burden my problems. He doesn’t need me coming to him about my problems. One day, he’s just going to leave- like everyone else. I especially can’t tell him if the only reason I’m telling him is because I have feelings for him.

So when he asked me if I’m sure that I’m good I told him that I am sure. And then, even through all my thinking, overthinking, and the above feelings… of course, I told him that something was wrong that Monday morning but I’m good now (it’s Wednesday now). But I didn’t go into detail.

He didn’t push. I thought he would push to know the details, but he didn’t. I didn’t want him to push. He just said he had to make sure I was okay and that I know that he cares.

He said he’ll always be there for me and more things that don’t help with my feelings.

Something I’ve figured out about myself is that I don’t like opening up to people. I kind of already knew that for a long, long time. I always thought it was because I didn’t want to bother people. That’s half of the reason.

The other half is that I don’t like being too serious about things. If you found that kind of shocking, I found it kind of shocking too. Because I mean here and there I’m kind of serious and deep on my blog. I mean I talk about my darkness and my thoughts. I am mostly serious on these blog posts (except a few jokes and lol’s here and there). Maybe it’s easier because I’m not only Rebecca on this blog, but I’m also hopelesslystrong (Does that make sense?) It’s like I’m the person my words and inner thoughts convey me to be.

But I absolutely hate being serious to people. I mean take this for an example: I can talk about my feelings for Phoenix all I want on this blog, but when he got brought up in a conversation with my chemistry friend (Who I told about Phoenix only because I 100% trust her) it got really awkward and I realized I definitely CANNOT talk about my feelings face-to-face with someone. I mean it just felt weird and again, awkward.

It’s just easier to say serious things on here and it’s comfortable. But I hate being serious to people I know. So when Phoenix asked me these questions I just wanted us to go back to our regular conversations of joking around. I’ve never had a friend like him. I mean I have friends who care about me and want to know what’s wrong, but none of them have ever suspected something was wrong. I always have to come to my friends telling them something is wrong. But he’s different. This is the same way he figured out I had anxiety. He figured it out. While I had to tell my friends (the ones who know that I have anxiety) that I have anxiety.

I even told him all this- that I don’t like being serious and I don’t really open up to people.

Now there’s something wrong. I’m growing comfortable with him. And I don’t know if it’s a bad thing or good thing.

There was a guy I liked who I was trying to move on from before I got to know Phoenix. And I knew what was bad and what was good. But he was different, he was the complete opposite of Phoenix. Like my perceptions of who I wanted this guy to be is exactly what Phoenix is. So I’m a little confused here.

I have no idea where this will lead and that kind of unsettles me. But it would be boring if I knew how this was going to end. But I don’t know.

I mean caring about me like the way he does… I don’t know. I’ve never had a guy like him who I can trust and joke with at the same time.

I don’t know if I should fall for him or if I should just stay friends with him- I don’t know what’s a bad decision or good decision anymore.