When I was 14 years old, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, my first love, when he said to me: “I think I’m a better artist than you are.”

Young love. Photo by Shoshanna Cohen. Description: A white teenage girl with a shaved head wearing a The Cure teeshirt and blue jeans, holding up the middle finger in a messy bedroom. To her left is a white teenage boy with a brown bob haircut wearing a pink strapless prom dress with a fluffy skirt.

In hindsight, I don’t think I ever agreed with him. We both drew comics, but I never found his art to be that interesting or meaningful. This wasn’t about whether or not he actually was a better artist than me. It was the fact that he refused to validate my skill as an artist. His toxic masculinity was shining through in spite of his androgynous bisexual identity. He still needed to be the “better” artist in our relationship.

We broke up shortly after, and I would come home after school everyday and practice drawing for hours, in the hopes that someday my art would be “as good” as his art. He was no longer in my life, but it didn’t matter. What I didn’t realize was that my art would never be as good as his art in his eyes. His self worth depended on viewing his work as superior to mine, regardless of my level of technical prowess.

One of my major goals for 2018 has been working on my fear of rejection and failure as a creative person. The internet has made everything public, which is great in some ways, but it also means I’m always thinking about creating for an audience, instead of for myself. On some level I’m always performing for the nebulous *someone* who could potentially be very cruel behind the anonymity of a computer screen. In fact, online success will inevitably be accompanied by critics, trolls, and harassers. Welcome to the internet age.

A black and white photo of David Bowie reading while reclined. Photographer unknown.

I sometimes hold back due to this fear of rejection. The wonderful Chicago-based healer Blanche Black (who is a brilliant artist herself) told me that I should stop overly identifying with my creative output, that I should view my writing and art works as “widgets” that I produce. The muse moves through me, but the final product is not me. I have been working with David Bowie as a spiritual protector because he was never afraid to “fail up.” He kept creating, and continued to move forward, whether what he produced was mediocre, brilliant, or both. He was not attached to getting it right every single time. Instead, he focused on staying prolific until the very end of his life.

This New Year’s Eve I stayed in and watched Gaspar Noe’s “Love” on Netflix. I almost didn’t watch it, because it ranked a tepid 6/10 on IMDB. I’m really glad I did watch it, because I loved it, despite the negative criticism that it garnered. It helped me realize that I should go ahead and make the art I want to make, and not worry so much what other people think. My job as a creator is not to make other people happy, but to create. Admittedly, there’s more money in making people happy, but lots of people hate 50 Shades of Grey, so maybe not.

Still from Noe’s “Love.” Description: A white man and woman are walking in a wooded setting. The subtitle says: “I want to make movies out of blood, sperm and tears.”

I love a lot of art that other people dismiss as being too cheesy, sentimental, feminine, dramatic, or sexual. By sexual I should say sexual from a queer or female lens. Sexual in any way that doesn’t center white heterosexual masculinity.

It would be easy to dismiss these things I like as lowbrow and somehow less valid, and yet, I get a lot of grief for not being interested in the nerd culture that appeals to straight men: i.e. Marvel/DC comics, Star Wars/Star Trek franchises, video games, the majority of animated shows. I don’t dislike these things, and I think that they have a lot of creative value, but I always feel like I have to fake an overly enthusiastic interest in them or face mild hostility. And of course, when women and queers take a genuine interest in these things we’re still labeled NOT TRUE FANS. And there’s never seems to be much reciprocal validation of the pop culture that I find interesting.

There is some level where I am terrified that if I write about the things that stir my soul creatively, I will be mocked relentlessly, especially as an artist who is perceived as, and partially identifies as a woman. Some of the things that inspire me include sex in general, queerness, bodies, drugs, spirituality, the occult, love, neurodiversity, disability, communication, emotional labor, conspiracy theories, sex work, aliens, and outer space. People have been creating art about these subjects for hundreds of years, but they still have the power to make people very uncomfortable.

So fuck it, what if I radically accept that the art I create is going to make people uncomfortable? Not in an edgy shock value kind of way, but simply because I like exploring things that are considered embarrassing or weird by the mainstream?

In part two I will talk about some of the artists who have inspired me in this process.

Coffee and cake optional, but certainly contributes to the pleasure of reading this book!

So I have a bad habit of buying a lot of books and trying to read 10 books at once. I’m becoming more disciplined about setting aside time to read, especially books related to my field as a sex educator. I’ve decided to start a series of blog posts about some of the books I’ve enjoyed reading recently for those of you looking for a good read.

Adorable illustrations by Amanda Lafrenais from the Sex & Pleasure Book

If you are going to buy one book about sex- especially for a young person or a person who wants a comprehensive guide to sex that also emphasizes the importance of pleasure- this is what I’d recommend, because it hits an amazingly wide array of topics in an easy-to-read manner, with adorable illustrations.To give you an idea: some the topics this book tackle range from sex toys to tantra, group sex, porn, sexual health, sex and disability, virginity, polyamory, dating after divorce…and so forth and so on. It’s also inclusive of a wide array of gender identities, sexual orientations, abilities, ages, and so forth! It’s a great all-around sex ed reference book that has something for everyone.

I taught a class called Intro to Tantra and Intentional Sexuality at Chicago’s Early To Bed this past Monday. It was my first time teaching Tantra to a large group, people from all walks of life, including two very experienced Tantra teachers, and it was a wonderful experience. I started teaching Tantra in the past six months, after five or so years of studying, solo and partner practice, and working with a teacher. Shortly after I parted ways with my own teacher (often a necessary part of spiritual growth) and began teaching myself, I experienced a Kundalini Awakening. Tantra has become an intrinsic piece of who I am, and my life’s work.

At this point you may be saying “What the fuck is Tantra?” or “Isn’t that the thing where Sting can fuck his wife for 16 hours straight?”

While on an imaginary continuum there is, on the far right, a philosophy called “tantra” that has nothing whatsoever to do with sexuality; and on the far, far left there is an association of the word “tantra” (aka neo-tantra) with concepts like polygamy, polyamory, group sex and getting naked with complete strangers, somewhere in the middle of that continuum is the “tantra” that I know and love: a nondual spiritual path inclusive of, and honoring, sexual energy, a brilliant blend of ancient and modern yogic techniques that awaken the Divine flow of life within, to promote heart-consciousness that may or may not include sexual intimacy. It is about learning to live ecstatically in everyday life. It is about experiencing your body as a divine temple.

I was raised by Buddhists, so the idea of Tantra as a tool for spiritual awakening was never particularly strange for me. Admittedly, my early studies were guided by a desire for adventurous sex. But while Tantra works with sexual energy and uses sex as a tool for mindfulness, it is not a sexual practice by definition, and is a marvelous set of practices that can help boost self-love, intimacy, personal growth, and general quality of life.

One of my main goals in teaching Tantra is to make it accessible to everyone, in the following ways:

1. Affordability. Tantra classes are often quite expensive- and I respect that people who teach for a living need to make a living. For me this is a passion project and I am grateful that I am able to offer $20 classes that both allow me to cover my costs, but also make Tantra education available for folks with limited means.

2. Accessibility. Tantra is to some extent a physical practice- which can make it intimidating for people with disabilities to attend workshops. For example, I attended a workshop with a partner who has limited mobility in his legs and while the organizers made a point to make the workshop as inclusive as possible- one of the exercises involved walking around the room, which was not something he could really do. But the exercise itself- eye gazing- was something he could do, and it was as simple as having people who could walk comfortably come to him. Breath is the key ingredient of Tantra, and most of us (with the exception of those who use breathing devices, an experience I cannot speak to), have the power to work with our breath in powerful ways, regardless of what our physical abilities may be.

3. Queer and Gender Inclusivity. There is a lot of discussion of the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine in Tantra, and these are powerful concepts, but they do not necessarily mean man and woman- they are principles of receptivity and projectivity, yin and yang, form and formlessness, that exist inside of all of us. We can integrate and explore these principles regardless of our gender identity, integrating them into the Divine Androgyne. And while traditional depictions of of Tantra typically show a Male Daka and a Female Dakini, people of all genders and sexual orientations can practice Tantra with one another.

4. Consent and Personal Boundaries. Tantra can be very emotionally intense and intimate, and everyone is ready to practice Tantra with a partner, or has a partner they can practice Tantra with. Not everyone is ready to explore Tantra as a sexual practice, but can nevertheless can enjoy the benefits of “White” (non-sexual, for lack of a better term) Tantra. In my workshops I always try to offer both partnered exercises and a solo alternative so there is no pressure to practice with a partner if not desired.

5. Opening up to a wider demographic in general. Tantra education tends to attract a very specific audience- white, middle aged, cisgender, well-off, heterosexual, partnered, with an established spiritual practice. There is nothing wrong with being any of these things, but I also want to reach folks who fall outside of this category- people of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds, people who don’t necessarily hold spiritual beliefs (Tantra IS a spiritual practice but you don’t have to believe in anything but yourself to do it), people of color, single people, queer and asexual people, kinksters, sex workers, so forth and so on. Some people have suggested calling it “intentional sexuality” instead of Tantra to make it less intimidating to newcomers, but I feel that though these things are related, they are not one and the same.

In line with my vision of Tantra Education, I wanted to offer a few Tantric tools that you can experiment with, if you are curious.

Shake, wiggle, flow, and/or jump if you can. Shake and move your body in any way that feels good. Put on fun music, jiggle your butt, let your arms flop, hang forward and sway, jump up and down if that is possible for you, for 1-5 minutes. Feel your body wake up with joyful energy as you shake loose.

Pay attention to your breath. Take a deep breath into your belly, hold it, and breathe out your mouth with a sigh, releasing any stuckness or tension. Breath up the energy of the earth from the base of your spine, up to the crown of your head, then breathe the energy of the divine back down again. Practice mindful breath while meditating or masturbating. Experiment with syncing or alternating your breath with a partner during sex or cuddling.

If you have sight, silently practice looking into your partner’s left eye (this is easier than looking into both at once), or look into your own eyes in a mirror. This is surprisingly powerful and intense. Don’t be afraid to laugh or cry. Watch the documentary “The Artist is Present” about Marina Abramovic’s amazing eye gazing performance piece to get deeper insight as to why this practice is so powerful.

Learn more! Barbara Carrellas’ Urban Tantra was my first Tantra book, and I recommend it to everyone as a very inclusive and accessible guide to beginning a practice.

Want to attend one of my future workshops? Email me at biancajarvismph@gmail.com!

As I become older and understand feminist concepts more thoroughly, there’s a lot of pop culture stuff I used to like that I can’t unsee as being misogynist and gross now.

On a recent car trip, girlfriend and I were discussing the old “Beatles vs. Stones” parable (which was “Beatles vs. Elvis” in Pulp Fiction but I think the Stones are a better litmus test). I.e. that you’re either a Beatles fan or a Rolling Stones fan, and that says something about your personality.

I’ve always hated the Beatles, which to so many people is like saying that I enjoy murdering kittens, but since it’s come out that John Lennon was a total abusive asshole, I catch a bit less flack for it. So I always answered that question with “Stones,” by default because I hated their music a little less, and it seemed like the edgier choice. But honestly, when I listen to their music now, I can’t help but feel a little horrified by how fucked up and misogynist it is:

-“Backstreet Girl” a song in which Mick Jagger lovingly tells his working class Mistress to know her place (i.e. totally sexual available but hidden from the public’s eye)

It’s easy enough to say, “well, it was the sixties/seventies, everything was misogynist.” But after this discussion, Rod Stewart’s “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” came on the radio, and I kind of realized that this song is awesome, because it’s all about asking consent before fucking.

Think about it:

“If you want my body and you think I’m sexy
come on sugar let me know.
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
come on honey tell me so”

If that’s not a request for enthusiastic consent, I don’t know what is.

I also love the fact that after the characters in the song hook-up, they hang out and watch TV together, instead of feeling all awkward and shameful:

“They wake at dawn ‘cos all the birds are singing
Two total strangers but that ain’t what they’re thinking
Outside it’s cold, misty and it’s raining
They got each other neither one’s complaining
He says I sorry but I’m out of milk and coffee
Never mind sugar we can watch the early movie”

When I attended NACS in Reykjavik last month, I met a wonderful person named Magnus, who was in the process of speaking to the Icelandic Minister of Health about having BD/SM removed as a pathology from the Icelandic version of the DSM. A critical (and fascinating) point of his argument is that BD/SM is not a sexual compulsion, or even preference, but a sexual orientation, and that many kinky people are more sexually oriented to a specific BD/SM role than partners of a specific gender. This is not true for everyone, but it is an interesting and valid idea. However, it potentially falls into the same traps as the “born this way” argument that has been used to further LGBTQI rights- that sexual orientation is essential, fixed, and immutable, and that we don’t have a choice in the matter. I don’t believe that sexual orientation is a “choice” in most cases, but I do believe that for many people it is a fluid thing that evolves over the life course, and that our romantic desires, domestic desires, sexual desires, and so forth aren’t always consistent across the board.

My Girlfriend and I are currently reading Neil Strauss’s book “The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships” together and it’s fantastic. Strauss is perhaps best known for his pickup artist tome “The Game” and “The Truth” emerges as a later in life sequel about what happens when PUA’s (hopefully) grow up and try to figure out relationships. He goes to sex addiction rehab, explores his mommy issues, burns out in a monogamous relationship, attends polyamory conferences, swingers clubs, and play parties, unsuccessfully tries to build a polyamorous harem based on his adulation of a creepy dude named “Father Yod.” It’s amusing to see the names of folks I know from my worlds of tantra, kink and sexual health promotion pop up throughout the book. I haven’t finished the book yet (I think he ends up back in the monogamous relationship he started out with), but it’s a very interesting read and mirror to my own relationship life.

In my teens and twenties I hungered for non-monogamy, but not polyamory perse- getting too emotionally close to multiple people always seemed to be disastrous. Then in my late twenties a switch flipped and all my friends started getting married, and I really wanted Monogamy. After a few terrible monogamous relationships, and a last ditch attempt at committed polyamory that I didn’t really want, I found a person I really liked, and was monogamous with him for three years. I was certain at that time that he was “the one” and that we would get married and spend our lives together.

Me.

When our relationship ended abruptly and traumatically, I was lost at sea. On one hand, I felt liberated. I had private space again, I didn’t have to censor myself, I didn’t have to justify my health challenges, spiritual practice, sexual proclivities or choice of career, feel pressured between choosing between career and children, policed for how much cleavage I showed or how to wear my hair. A huge weight was lifted as I was able to devote myself to self care and feel comfortable in my body, my gender, and sexual identity again. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you’ve lost yourself until you find yourself again.

One thing that led me to stay for too long- and a terror that haunted me as I became single again- was that I felt unloveable. It had taken me years to find the person I thought was “the one”- the idea of going back on OKCupid gave me hives. I was 35 years old, so out of shape that I got winded during sex, stubbornly gender non-conforming, yet primarily attracted to men- I felt undateable, despite the reassurances of my friends. I was starting to get the first wrinkles around my eyes and forehead, despite the reassurance of the clerk at Sephora who praised my “youthful” skin. I had failed at heteronormativity, and this was my punishment- I was past my prime, and unloveable. The idea of love and sex made me nauseous at that point, so perhaps it was an inconsequential problem in the short term.

My whole life I’d been taught that if you didn’t pin down one person by the time you were forty you’d be doomed to spend your life alone. That men my age were either immature commitmentphobes or divorced damaged goods. That men stopped looking at women once they turned forty. I’d internalized these societally enforced scare tactics instead of taking a minute to consider that maybe they were bullshit that existed to reinforce gender normativity and heteronormativity.

One of my biggest anxieties was that I was so weird, and wanted monogamy. Until I realized that I didn’t.

Living in love.

That was one of the biggest surprises of becoming single again. That my relationship with myself was the most important thing, and I didn’t want to give away too much of myself to anyone else. The second surprise was that I didn’t have to go back on OKCupid again. People who had been my friends for years wanted to date me, and I wanted to date them. The foundation of years of friendship eliminated a lot of the trust-related anxieties that had plagued polyamory for me in past. My best friend and I decided that we wanted to former a platonic domestic partnership and emotional support system with one another, a primary relationship free of sexual jealousy and erotic stagnation. I went to a BD/SM club for the first time in years, and sat down next to a man who I’m still dating four months later.

For the first time in my life, dating is effortless. The partners appear. For the first time in my life, polyamory works. Every person I date adds something important to my life without being overly high maintenance, and my domestic arrangement with my girlfriend is the rock that grounds me through it all. My boundaries are the best they’ve ever been, I don’t feel compelled to abandon myself to please others. If you had told me a year ago that I would be polyamorous, I would have laughed in your face. Yet here I am.

I don’t, however, think I am fundamentally polyamorous (and I don’t really feel at home in that subculture, to be honest, but the concept of multiple loving relationships describes what I’m doing pretty well). Nor am I fundamentally monogamous. Polyamory is my sexual orientation right now. It works right now. I cannot tell you what I’ll want in a year, five years, a decade. I am giving myself permission to evolve and grow. Like Neil Strauss, the process of exploring different relationship styles has enabled me to better figure out what I want. I don’t think that being poly OR mono is a more emotionally evolved way of being- your success in either venture will largely depend on the strengths and weaknesses of you and your partner(s) than the relationship model itself. Both are valid relationship styles.

For Strauss monogamy is the logical conclusion at the end of exploration, for me, it’s polyamory. But at 35, I don’t think it’s the last stop on the line. I don’t think my monogamy was somehow false or delusional. It was what I needed at the time (and I’m seeing an increasing number of people burnt out by poly returning to monogamy out of exhaustion- just as I did once upon a time). Like any other element of sexual orientation, this too is allowed some modicum of fluidity. With one’s sexuality there is always some pressure to pick sides and sustain a fixed identity (as a genderqueer bisexual I’ve spent my whole life grappling with other people’s discomfort with ambiguity). But I refuse to identify as strictly poly or mono.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and a very eventful past six months! Right now I’m in Reykjavik for the 2015 Nordic Association of Clinical Sexuality Conference (NACS). My friend Indiana was very kind to invite me, and arrange for my friend Jess and I to stay in a sweet little apartment in Downtown Reykjavik!

I shared the awesome coloring books “Super Soft Heroes” and “Super Strong Princesses” by Linnea Johansson with attendees. They are amazing, and you can download them for free!

I met Betty Dodson, who is as awesome as you’d imagine!

There was smoked cod liver in my conference goodie bag!Even the coins have fish on them!

Today I have been selling my artwork from The Venus Emporium, tonight we hunt for Northern Lights, tomorrow I dip in the Blue Lagoon! The Scandinavians (or Scandal-navians as I like to call those in the field of sexuality) are wonderful people & I am in love with Iceland!

I also wrote a piece for The Daily Dot about why I didn’t think Gwyneth Paltrow’s food stamp shopping trip was all that crazy– and the problem with thinking that people on food stamps shouldn’t spend their budget on fresh fruits and veggies. I was on food stamps part of the time I was in graduate school getting my Masters in Public Health- largely so I could afford to be healthy foods like fresh fruits and vegetables. I definitely faced that shame of feeling like I was “too privileged” to be on food stamps, despite the fact that I was in fact poor enough to qualify for them, and feeling extravagant (and also judged by others) for spending my SNAP on high quality food at the Co-op. I just wanted to offer another perspective on the issue, and dismantle some of the stigma around people using food stamps, and using food stamps to buy delicious, healthy things they actually want to eat if it is feasible to do so. EVERYONE deserves to eat good food regardless of their financial resources.

I am a love warrior. Every day I fight to do the things that I love, and have meaning for me. My heart is in creative work, communications and sex education. I am lucky enough to make my living this way. But it’s also an incredibly difficult and painful life I have chosen for myself in some ways (even if I would not have it any other way).

I am a writer, sex educator, and artist who makes sex-positive artwork. I have a lot of people tell me how important the work I do is for promoting a healthy sex positive society. I am not afraid to put myself in the public eye as an advocate for healthy sexuality. However, I do get a lot of messages as a businessperson that my work is not okay, challenges that sometimes threaten my livelihood. Here’s a few examples of some of the challenges I’ve struggled with in recent times:

Etsy informed me that my products (this sacred amulet imported from a Buddhist temple in Japan, specifically) needed to be obscured and tagged due to their mature content. I’m fine with tagging my items, but was frustrated that I couldn’t actually SHOW what I was selling in the thumbnail. I’ve found some acceptable hacks: blurring out nipples on my pin-up altars, artful cropping of vulva pendants. (AASECT blogged about my struggles with Etsy here). I am in the process of creating my own retail site where I don’t have to censor my work in addition to my Etsy shop, but it frustrates me that I am subjected to censorship (which negatively impacts sales), and I am pretty certain that my art will never show up on their front page, and I will never be a featured seller. But hey, at least they allow me to sell “mature” art instead of banning me entirely?

On a similar note, several of the more mainstream websites I write for will not feature my articles about sex-related topics on their front pages, or even promote the pieces through their official social media channels, which means it’s pretty much my sole responsibility to make sure people can find the writing at all.

The thing that finally pushed me to write this blog post is that Paypal decided to close down both my business and personal accounts without any warning or way to appeal. Fortunately I have a habit of withdrawing my funds promptly when I receive them and did not lose any money when this happened, but it felt like a slap on the face. They would not give me a specific reason as to why my accounts were terminated, and informed me that I have no avenue to appeal the closures. Apparently Paypal has a rather arbitrary vendetta against people whose businesses even tangentially involve sex-related content, even when it is completely legal. This didn’t just affect my business- I can’t even receive payments completely unrelated to my business anymore. This blog post is geared to more traditional sex workers but it really highlights how virtually every online payment option discriminates against people who do work related to sex.

The free market isn’t free when the morality police make it virtually impossible for people to engage even in COMPLETELY LEGAL COMMERCE. I’m selling artwork for chrissakes, though artists, like those who do work related to sex, are also a stigmatized class that have been historically targeted for harassment and censorship.

I don’t have much more to say about this other than I will continue to do my best to do creative work I feel is necessary and important against these odds. As they say, “Well behaved women (or genderqueers in my case) seldom make history,” and I’m fresh out of fucks to give.

Check out some of Janet Hardy’s books if you want the real lowdown on BDSM!

I don’t really care about 50 Shades of Grey, but I do care about destigmatizing kink, and promoting BD/SM safety and consent. I gave my comments about the realities of kink (as opposed to the fantasy of 50SofG) and how I think it can be an awesome, pleasurable thing when done in safe, consensual ways.

I’ve spent the past six months of my life conducting EXTREMELY SCIENTIFIC research on sex toys for awesome consumer review site The Wirecutter’s sister site The Sweethome. The three guides I created finally went live today!