The beauty of a Salman Khan film is that it doesn't claim to be anything but just that. But when you pack in sappy melodrama, clichéd characterisation, a pathetic love story and action scenes choreographed in outer space, not even a Katrina Kaif item number can save the day.

The film is based on the life of a certain Lovely Singh (Salman Khan) who is, (as his name suggests?), a bodyguard. An unshakeable, unbreakable, fighting machine, who leaps out of a train to land on top of another zipping through in the opposite direction. David Blaine: be ashamed, be very ashamed.

Lovely's first vulgar display of power is when he swings by a certain port to rescue a group of girls being trafficked to Thailand in a container. After busting several noses and cracking a dozen skulls, one of the baddies unleashes a huge container that lands on Lovely. But our Superman without a cape is indestructible and the container carrying a million thermocol balls is smashed across. Human trafficking: understandable. Smuggling a million thermocol balls: one wild party in Thailand?

Soon Lovely is commissioned to protect the daughter of a very eminent master of the universe (or atleast of a small village in India), Sartaj Rana (Raj Babbar). Following Bollywood's guideline for clichés, Lovely has a history that has left him forever indebted to the great Rana. Anyway, the daughter in question is Divya (Kareena Kapoor) who's mostly occupied doing girly things with her live-in friend played by Hazel Keech. After much-half-hearted-opposition, Lovely is employed to protect Divya, a duty performed mostly by walking around her with shoulders arched like a lobster.

Before we know it, the emotionless Lovely turns down-right spastic as he falls in love with an anonymous girl who stalks him by calling him about 3528 times a day. An obnoxiously fat excuse for a comedian plays an odd sidekick to Lovely as passage of time becomes extremely painful. How the film concludes won't make it to Kaun Banega Crorepati's first round of questions but those who brave to sit through this can surely crack 'Who Dares Wins'.

Things about 'Bodyguard' that are incomprehensible or retarded or both: 1. Each time Lovely gets a phone call his body jerks ahead like someone has kicked his behind. 2. There is a quirky scene involving a remote controlled helicopter that is let loose on Divya. As it slashes through fruits, furniture, the special effects are tacky enough for it to seem like a housefly that can be easily swatted down.

Among the performances, Salman translates innocence with idiotic grins and expressions that can't be briefed here. Kareena's character is not important enough to be able to decide the fate of this film. Raj Babbar only reinforces the logic behind him being scarce in films, drifting between loud and controlled hamming.

The music covers the landscape, from the chirpy, 'I love you' to the full-blast disco-dhol number, 'Desi Beats'. When director Siddique said that Salman Khan will be seen here in an avatar he has never been seen in, he wasn't lying. But the pertinent question is, do we want to see Salman in an emotionally challenged, Forest Gump-ish state?

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