Relationship Mistakes That Men Make With Devotion

Mr Stok writes helpful topics on improving life and emotional well-being based on his studies of social behavior and personal experience.

You believe that you want a permanent relationship, to create a family, and to enjoy years of building memories together. However, for some reason you’re not devoted to the relationship as a lifelong pursuit.

You have no problem developing relationships. That’s not the issue. You are a kind person and people notice that about you, and they appreciate you for what you offer. However, for some reason you keep avoiding making that commitment.

I’ve done that. Let me share with you what I’ve learned from my own experience. It gets more difficult as time goes on and the older we get, so the sooner you figure out what you want—the better.

The first step is to make up your mind. You have to decide if you want to be alone the rest of your life or if your goal is actually to have a permanent relationship that continues to improve with time.

The key to your future with a rewarding and permanent relationship is to learn what’s holding you back.

Get in touch with your destiny before time runs out! | Source

Do You Have a Plan?

The biggest mistake you can make is not having a plan and focusing on the goal you want to achieve. You need to know how you want your relationship to proceed. You need to know where it’s headed.

Do you ever think about that? Do you even know in your own heart what you want? It’s possible that you're just letting time go by without any determination to actually build a lasting relationship. Does that make sense?

There are reasons for this and I’ll attempt to bring some awareness to the issue.

First, answer these questions:

Do you want to achieve the happiness of being in a loving relationship where you and your partner are managing life together as a team?

Or do you want to remain single all your life and deal with life’s trials and tribulations all by yourself?

Whatever it is, it all goes back to knowing what you want in life. The easiest way to get in touch with that is to look ahead. Imagine how things will be in the future.

You Need a Vision

I tended to neglect considering the future. My pattern was that as long as I was happy in a relationship, I accepted the status quo without actually having any desire to imagine if this is what I wanted for the rest of my life.

That was a drastic mistake. If I had imagined my girlfriend as my wife, it may have given me the vision I needed to make a commitment.

The ability to visualize your future in an existing relationship helps you appreciate what you've got.

Source

Visualizing the Future Together

I discovered this concept much later in life and I let many years just float along in a couple of long-term relationships that went nowhere. That is, we had no plan to build a future together.

If I had visualized the future, had imagined what might come of it, or had imagined my girlfriend as my wife, I might have been motivated to make a commitment.

Sharing these thoughts and discussing a vision of a future together, a couple may have something concrete to develop.

Getting into discussions of what you both see as your future helps reinforce the relationship. This not only shows her that you have a serious attitude, but it also lends itself to planning a future together.

You might even have the opportunity to communicate whatever anxieties you have about it. You both probably have unspoken anxieties. Getting it out in the open can have very positive results.

Pay Attention to Reality

Once we realize that we are involved with someone special, the relationship strengthens, and can begin to grow.

This includes being aware of our own feelings. Are we happy with the relationship? Is it something we desire to have the rest of our lives? Is there anything we’re afraid of? If so, can we deal with it for the sake of keeping the positive aspects of it?

Being aware of reality can help strengthen a relationship. However, if we overlook the positive things and if we don't give any thought to the entire process, then we are just letting time pass by until the relationship eventually ends.

Even a good relationship will end if there is no determined plan to make it permanent and for both parties to agree to that. I can say that, from my own experience. Most of my relationships have been good ones. I just wasn't allowing myself to be aware of the reality. Don't make that mistake.

You can build a strong relationship by being in the moment at all times. You need to keep our eyes open, so to speak, and be aware of what you’ve got. If you think about what you expect out of life, rather than focusing on what you already have, then you might very well be fooling yourself. Expectations may never come to be, but reality is already here. Hold on to it.

"A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be."

— Albert Einstein

Life's Rude Awakening

This is a concept that I came up with:

"The best relationship is with someone with whom you don't have a personal interest."

There really is a meaningful explanation for why a relationship can be great if you have no interest in the other person. I had a psychologist friend confirm this idea.

It’s because there is no judgment. When you have no personal interest in someone then you have no reason to judge him or her.

This can go a long way to having a happy relationship. However, if you have no interest in the person, then where is the relationship headed? That’s why I refer to this concept as: “Life’s rude awakening.”

It's almost like a catch-22. Isn't it? Well, with a little appreciation for a committed relationship, maybe this can be made to work.

People can be devoted to a relationship even when they have no interest in one another, as long as they have an interest in building the relationship itself. Both of them can have totally different perspectives on life, and yet can be 100% committed to each other.

What this means is that you may not see eye to eye on everything in life, but as long as you appreciate each other for what you both are, and you relate well with one another, why throw that away?

Source

We Need to Understand What's Important

We need to be totally clear with what we really want.

Even though we think we want to settle down with someone, one thing may be hidden from our conscious mind. We may have a fear of our destiny.

We may also be dealing with some confusion in our minds because our need to settle down may not be as important as our desire for it to happen.

It takes some deep thought, and requires honest consideration, to determine what our true values are. Do we value our freedom that comes with being totally alone? Do we enjoy quiet solitude in the evenings and when we sleep?

On the other hand, is it more important to feel we are one of a team of two? Two partners who are there for each other through thick or thin.

Think about it. That thought process might change your life.

Source

Two Ships That Pass in the Night

That’s an old adage, but it has a lot of meaning here. It’s not often that the right one comes along. When she does, it’s important to know it. It’s important to recognize that we have an opportunity to create a life we want with a wonderful partner.

Comments

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AUTHOR

Glenn Stok

2 months agofrom Long Island, NY

Jo Miller - You noticed an important issue I was discussing. It meant that I was living in the moment, and that made me content with the relationship. The only missing part was considering it to be permanent because I didn’t think about the future.

That was a long time ago, and I learned from that what a mistake it was, causing me to overlook the possible great future we both may have had together.

Jo Miller

2 months agofrom Tennessee

I was struck by this comment in your article: "I tended to neglect considering the future." I'm not sure I ever dated anyone for any length of time without considering that. After one failed marriage, I decided I was perfectly content to spend the rest of my life, not alone necessarily, but unmarried. I waited a long time to remarry, but as soon as I met my husband I knew right away this was someone I could imagine a future with.

AUTHOR

Glenn Stok

2 months agofrom Long Island, NY

DredCuan - If I didn’t make myself clear in my prior reply, it’s always important to accept the bad with the good. Life does not only contain good times. Those who allow themselves to learn from past experiences will come out ahead.

Dred Cuan

2 months agofrom California

I'm not pleased to know that you had bad memory from the past. I think what is important now is the learning curve. And of course, to maintain positivity despite of a negative situation right? As my favorite quote goes.... "Everything happens for a reason!"

AUTHOR

Glenn Stok

2 months agofrom Long Island, NY

DredCuan - I also believe in those wedding vows. And I like how you think. True commitment can only be real if one accepts sharing the bad times as well as the good times. People tend to give up too quickly if things don’t go exactly as they expect from a partner. I’ve made that mistake in the past.

Dred Cuan

2 months agofrom California

Lol I'm just sharing my experience. Yes, I do believe that relationships are not only for good times, but also for bad times. Like what the usual wedding vows of a Catholic priest for the soon to be newly weds, "in sickness and in health till death do us part". Well this is only applicable to those people who wanted to have a serious relationship.

Tessa Schlesinger

2 months agofrom South Africa

Sorry. My apologies. I didn't realize. And, no, I'm not self-centered. I hardly come to hubpages these days, and I thought it had been weeks.

AUTHOR

Glenn Stok

2 months agofrom Long Island, NY

Tessa - In response to your last comment, you must be kidding! Are you so self-centered that you can’t give another person respect for their time? You are not the only person leaving comments in my articles, and it takes time to catch up across all my articles.

In addition, you left that other comment at midnight my time. I was asleep. Now it is Saturday morning and I have weekend plans going on soon with friends, but I’m taking a little time to review some comments so that I can approve them and reply.

You need to be a little more conscious of the world and what’s going on for other people in your life, or else you will find everyone below your esteem.

AUTHOR

Glenn Stok

2 months agofrom Long Island, NY

DredCuan - Very well said. I especially like the part where you explained about handling all the ups and downs when committed to a relationship. That is how it works, or at least how it should work, if the relationship is to be successful.

I think you explained my other reasoning in a better way by defining it as friends. That has to come first anyway, before lovers.

Thanks for your thoughtful remarks.

AUTHOR

Glenn Stok

2 months agofrom Long Island, NY

Tessa - I understand your feelings and it is unfortunate that you had negative experiences with the men in your life. However, I hear the same complaints from men about women.

Studies can be skewed to reflect one side or the other based on the audience being questioned. When analyzing surveys it’s always important to notice the source in order to avoid inaccurate or misrepresented information.

Tessa Schlesinger

2 months agofrom South Africa

Glenn, if you are not going to post anything further from me, please remove my original post. Your response makes it seem as if I'm still married. I haven't been married for 32 years and I have not been involved with any men since I wwalked out of my marriage. I provided evidence for what I said.

Dred Cuan

2 months agofrom California

I believe that a successful relationship starts with a commitment. Once both side find themselves committed to each other, they can handle all the ups and downs of the relationship together.

You've cited too that "The best relationship is with someone with whom you don't have a personal interest." Well, my point of view about it is be with somebody who's rather a friend than a lover. A friend whom you can show who you really are. Somebody who will accept you. Cause sometimes, when we are into a relationship, we normally put our best foot forward just to get their attention. To achieve our personal desire, our personal interest which may eventually result to inconsistency on our part.

Tessa Schlesinger

2 months agofrom South Africa

Hi Glen, I posted a response and I don't know if it went amiss or you chose not to post it. In any event, I got divorced 31 years ago and have never been near a man since.

If you google it, you will see that most women regard relationships as too much work for too little reward. In all respects, they do most of the work. That has been shown by many studies. At a certain point, they must walk out.

AUTHOR

Glenn Stok

2 months agofrom Long Island, NY

Thanks Dora. I’m sure both men and women can develop an appreciation for one another.

Dora Weithers

2 months agofrom The Caribbean

Not a man, but I get your "best relationship" concept. Appreciation, not only interest, can form the base for a meaningful relationship. Good counsel altogether.

AUTHOR

Glenn Stok

2 months agofrom Long Island, NY

Tessa, Even though you feel the way you do, I have to give you credit for making that commitment.

Emotions can be a heavy burden, but hopefully as time goes on and you both experience life as a team, you might discover it worth it after all.

Tessa Schlesinger

2 months agofrom South Africa

I have to say that your title caught my eye. Speaking as a woman who was only married for 5 years (and there was absolutely nothing in it for me), it's not an institution I would try again.

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