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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Will and Jada Smith Only One Parent Counts

Yes, I am going to once again talk about men on a feminist website. Today I thought we would discuss Will and Jada Smith and how they are portrayed differently by the media. Of the two Will is the box office smash; however Jada has done some good work of her own.

As was pointed out by one commenter, Will Smith is often held up as a model of fatherhood because he is an active participant in the lives of his children; while conversely very little is said about Jada's motherhood. While I will agree that part of the disproportionate coverage has to do with the imbalance of star power between them, the reasons go much deeper than that.

Historically the black mother is the long suffering woman. She goes without so that her children may eat, and is the glue that holds the family together. The black matriarch stereotype belies the high rate of dysfunctional abusive relationships that black women are in.

Even while acknowledging the high rate of single motherhood within the black community; it is still important to acknowledge the women that are engaging in relationships on their own terms. As I have mentioned several times, I have been happily unmarried for over18 years to the father of my children and would count as a single mother due to our marital status.

Like any other black woman my body is embedded with meaning based on ideas of what black womanhood, or specifically in this case black motherhood means. I am meant to exist without requiring praise because it is deemed natural that we (read:black women) should suffer for our children. I am meant to go unrecognized because it is understood that black mothers stand behind our children in all circumstances. Motherhood for black women is conflated more with suffering and struggle then with joy and reward.

Will Smith is doing what a good father should do by being an active participant in the life of his child and yet he is placed on a pedestal. The so-called natural behaviour that is expected of black mothers is not expected of black fathers. Black males are overwhelming seen as dead beat dads; and therefore when one chooses to fulfill his parental obligations he is given almost a mythical superhero status.

There is much time and energy devoted by the black community to fatherhood, while the real life existence of black women is oft overlooked. The black man is continually asked to pick up the patriarchal mantel and parent his children, as a symbol of masculinity. Many of the social problems that currently exist are attributed to a lack of father figures in the household and a stubbornness on the part of black women to submit to the black male patriarchy. Apparently we have become so independent that our very existence is often deemed a threat to the "natural order" of things.

Using the Will and Jada model as our guide what we can see is the that the reclamation of the black family is based on the insertion of a black male figurehead and a silenced, invisible woman. Just like the white male patriarchy the black male patriarchy seeks to define its masculinity by having the ability to have an authoritarian presence in the household. It is assumed that this authoritarian rule will lead to a social uplift for all black peoples. What it does not consider is that the potential damage that this does to black women. Having a penis does not necessarily mean that someone is wise, or kind and submission based in gender roles would place already precarious black women in even more vulnerable positions.

When we celebrate nuclear families like the Smiths or even the Obamas what we are not considering is the hidden meaning behind why we find male headship so attractive. It is not because of the rarity of the traditional family, it is because we have become socially conditioned to assume that the patriarchal nuclear family is not only natural, but good.

The idea that black women form a matriarchy is a false social construction because just like all women we are subject to sexism, and misogyny. Living in a racist society makes the notion of black women existing with this kind of social power even more ridiculous, and yet we are expected to give up the little power that we have so that the black male may be affirmed.

When we stand in recognition of men like Will Smith, or Barack Obama for being good fathers while not acknowledging the contributions of their black wives what we are doing is affirming the idea that motherhood is of little value socially if a male is present. Jada and Michelle are just as instrumental to the development of their children as Barack and Will, and yet this importance is often overlooked because we have over valued masculinity. A man should not rise because we have socially decided that an authoritarian father figure is ideal, he should rise based of the merits of his contributions to his family. His ascension to the pedestal, or in this case social elevation should not come at the invisibility of the mother of his children.

Perhaps instead of seeking to uplift the community through the elevation of the patriarchal family, what we should be doing is looking for ways to support black families in the different ways in which they are constituted. Taking a more woman friendly approach would mean the disappearance of the long suffering black mother stereotype and lead to more a equitable gender neutral understanding of the importance each parent plays in the life of their offspring. It is time that we realize that the way forward is for us to stand side by side, rather than the suppression of one to uplift another.

198 comments:

I have one teeny tiny gripe, that Jada normally uses "Pinkett" in her name as well, Jada Pinkett Smith, as long as I have heard of her (I named The Kid after her, b/c I loved her name). Teeny tiny thing really on such a well written piece, and I only bring it up b/c I get frustrated that people will not use my fully hyphenated name no matter how many times I correct them.

I have a huge beef w/ the placing of men who are good fathers on pedestals, b/c, as you said, they are supposed to do these things that they are being praised for. A good father is supposed to spend time w/ and love his children. It boggles my mind.

In general i agree with what you are saying. A man shouldn't get special treatment for doing what he should be doing. However, I don't really agree with the examples you chose in this article. While you acknowledge that the men in these relationships are more famous than their spouses. I don't think you appreciate just how much more famous these men are. Will Smith is not just a movie star. He is arguably the biggest movie star on the planet. He has not had a commercially unsuccessful movie in a long time. Just about anything thing he is in (good or bad) makes $200 million in the domestic box office. There is no comparing his star power to hers.

The same goes for Barack Obama. He is not just a politician. He is within a hair of being the first black man elected president of the united states. You would be hard pressed to find any black person who thought that was possible as recently as 4 years ago.

If there is an interview or story about Barack or Will do you really expect that story to spend equal time covering Michelle and Jada?

If we are talking about regular people I agree with you. But these are special cases.

Something tells me that Anon would find an exceptional reason no matter who you had named...

Anyway I was going to say that, even as a white woman, I can totally relate to what you are saying in my own experiences with marriage and motherhood. In other words, it must be so much harder for black moms; I can't even begin to imagine.

By the way, I was born in Niagara Falls! Hello from a fellow Canadian (I live in the UK now)!

Idk if this is only an issue with Black parents. I feel that in general, since being a real father is considered so "optional" and being a mother isn't, that if a dad does anything it's considered exceptional.

But I do agree that more people assume that Black fathers are more likely to abandon their families and be deadbeat dads or what have yo u.

If there is an interview or story about Barack or Will do you really expect that story to spend equal time covering Michelle and Jada?

I have to say, it's not just about celebrity.

My parents are far from famous. But when I was a kid, I remember the "praise" my father would get for spending time with us. Oh, look, you're being a parent! Have a cookie! Nobody ever gave my mom a cookie for giving up her career to be a SAHM, or for driving us to marching band practice, or cooking us meals from scratch; it was expected.

Now, with my family example, I can't make any comparisons about black masculinty, as we're white. But I'm giving this as an example to illustrate Renee's point, that people lavish unnecessary praise on fathers who actually parent their kids.

Another interesting example might be the Clintons. (And I'm sorry Renee for not talking about racial issues here, because they're important and I feel like I'm getting off-topic; this is just the best example that came to mind). I'd say that they pretty much have the same levels of political celebrity status. But I'm more acutely aware of people criticizing Hillary Clinton for being a "bad mother" because she dared to have a career than either praise or criticism at Bill Clinton for his fathering skills, or lack thereof.

Once again, Renee, sorry to only focus on a tiny aspect of your post, I just wanted to provide evidence for the fact that celebrity status is not the only thing at play here.

But I'm giving this as an example to illustrate Renee's point, that people lavish unnecessary praise on fathers who actually parent their kids.

While that does indeed happen I think it happens because the other side of the spectrum is where men are told that all they are are walking wallets and they have no business doing anything else other than providing material things for their families.

While being praised for doing what you should do isn't really praise it sure beats the hell out of being intentionally blocked from doing the things you should do. Personally I would prefer indifference.

I feel that in general, since being a real father is considered so "optional" and being a mother isn't, that if a dad does anything it's considered exceptional.And it really doesn't help things when the ones that are trying to step to plate and be fathers are pushed away.

While that does indeed happen I think it happens because the other side of the spectrum is where men are told that all they are are walking wallets and they have no business doing anything else other than providing material things for their families.

Where and when? Women have been begging for generations for men to have a more active role within the household. It is men who refuse to do "womens work" because they somehow find it threatening to their masculinity.

And it really doesn't help things when the ones that are trying to step to plate and be fathers are pushed away.

But when I was a kid, I remember the "praise" my father would get for spending time with us. Oh, look, you're being a parent! Have a cookie!

Well put. This double standard clearly harms women, overlooking and glossing over the work that they do as parents. But, as a man who is an active parent, let me also say that in a subtle but important way, is also harms men. Not in any way that undermines the main point here, but rather in a way that amplifies it.

As a man who is actively involved in parenting, I am diminished whenever my parenting is treated like some exceptional thing. I'm not sure I can articulate this as clearly as I would hope, and so I expect some push back. But when someone gives me a compliment for doing what I do every single say, for nurturing and looking after my child, for attending to the needs of my child, for doing what parents do, I can't help but think that the compliment is not due to any aspect of me, but rather principally due to lowered expectations.

I think I'm a pretty good parent, but if you were to see me in public, and if gender were not an issue, my interactions with my child would not be worthy of much note. They certainly wouldn't be a conversation piece. And yet the number of people who feel compelled to talk to me because - when they see me - I'm pushing a kid in a stroller or walking with a kid through the park, or carrying a kid across a parking lot, or whatever, is mind boggling.

Those who feel compelled to say something to me never interact with me, but only with their culturally conditioned expectations for my gender.

If anyone is looking to compliment an involved male parent (I'm principally a stay-at-home parent, though I'm now also a grad student), the best compliment is no compliment at all. Because what people feel compelled to notice is what I - and just about every other parent - do every day. This is not exceptional, it is a trip to the grocery.

I should add to my comment the obvious note that this situation clearly harms women as well. When men are not expected to be involved in parenting, and when male participation is treated as exceptional, patriarchal gender-roles are reinforced. This diminishes women by - among other things - reducing the social roles available to them.

I don't mean for my comment on how exceptionalizing male involvement in parenting is patronizing and ultimately harmful and insulting to the male who is doing the parenting to take away from the overarching concern about how this casts women.

sound like someone is looking for a cookieThats because you are looking for a situation to hang a cookie over someone's head so you can watch them beg for it. Anyone that works hard and doesn't want to have people complaining along way is not begging for a cookie.

No if a father needs recognition for being a parent I.e pat on the back that is cookie hunting plain and simple.

Look the unhusband and I do everything with our children and yet when he takes the boys anywhere all we hear about is what a good father he is because he is so involved. When I was walking the floors, cleaning up puke and changing diapers side by side with him, not a word said. I'm not looking for a cookie, I'm just want acknowledgment if recognition is to be given, it should be given to both parents.

No if a father needs recognition for being a parent I.e pat on the back that is cookie hunting plain and simple.

True but not wanting to hear complaints while busting your butt is not the same as asking for compliments.

I'm not looking for a cookie, I'm just want acknowledgment if recognition is to be given, it should be given to both parents.Yes you should both get compliments on your well raised children if they are to be given. And at the same time if you are busting your butt to raise your children right you shouldn't have to deal with people complaining at you either.

For the light in the tunnel, though: Will Smith and Barack Obama refuse to take that cookie. They immediately say, "we are a team. My wife and I are BOTH parents. We work TOGETHER."

I love reading the interviews with Will Smith because he refuses to either talk about how awesome a father he is (and take that cookie) or downplays his parenting (oh, I wouldn't know what to do without my wife, my penis makes me a bad parent!). He always talks about Jada, and she, in turn, talks about him.

Sandalstraps, my husband has commented on the same phenomenon. He said that at least 2 women approach him to comment on his "parenting" every time he's out with the kids. What actually angers him is the number of women who try to correct him because the kids aren't wearing a hat, are whining, etc. He says older women have tried to take the kids from him to "help" with the assumption that of course, he doesn't know what he's doing.

I, too, love this article. I would also like to point out that the U.S. Government funds marriage promotion and fatherhood initiatives that specifically target the Black community to "show" and "teach" the Black man what a family looks like, and what responsibility looks like. Yet they still shun Black women with welfare queen images and do nothing to "promote" us in any way.

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About Me

I am the mother of two darling little boys that fill my life with hope. They have inspired me to help raise awareness of the issues that plague this little blue planet.
If you are looking for a blog that is all about how wonderful and rosy this world is, turn right because this space will not be for you. I am a committed humanist. I believe in the value of people over commodities. I believe in the human right to food, clothing, shelter, and education. I am pacifist, anti-racist, WOC. My truth may not be your truth, but I intend to speak it nonetheless.
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