Junk Mail

According to M. K. Smith, the definition of a real loser is a Democrat who gets Junk Mail with the postage due.

Want your mark to receive lots of junk mail? Write a nice, polite, literate letter in your mark’s name to Direct Mail Advertising Association, 6 East 43rd St., New York, NY 10017. Ask them to please place “you” on their master list for merchants and advertisers as “you” dearly love the bargain shopping that comes in the mail to “you.” You might also note that you are a shut-in and do your shopping via the mails. Soon your mark will be buried in unwanted advertising. If you want to thank someone for that last idea, wave a hearty hand to little Tommie Titmouse.

The Baffling Radiologist offers a way of fighting back against junk mailers. He makes top-quality Xerox copies of “First Class U.S. Postage PAID” mail labels he gets from junk mailers. He then packs up boxes of ugly and evil things, sticks the labels on them and has them mailed back to the organization of origin by other friends in strange places. Or, for a bit more money, you can mass-produce counterfeit and/or stick-on labels with your printer pal. Depending upon your legal adviser, this stunt may be illegal. So what? Happy posting.

At long last, the combined forces of that great people’s law firm of Hacker and Computer have found a way to smash the evils of junk mail in a very modern way. The firm’s eloquent representative, Mr. Master Hacker, Esq., tells it as it should be.

First, find out the name of the “top executive” in the junk-mail company. Then, find out where the main office is and if possible what the telephone prefix (first three numbers) is. Now, you need an efficient, trusted hacker, who knows how to bypass security on the company computer. Have the hacker delete the entire mailing list, or just a few names if you prefer, yours being one of the, of course. If you feel really devilish, substitute another mark’s name for yours or put many different names with his address on the list. Second, order moderate amounts of products in the name of the “top executive” of the junk-mail firm. If the hacker knows what he/she is doing, the executive will never find out what happened.

Another suggestion involves learning the names and addresses of several salesmen or executives, including the main office address of the company. Make a fake chain letter with the list of these individuals and their addresses. In the chain letter, promise that if you send x numbers of dollar to the top person, delete his name, and add your name to the bottom, you will receive x number of dollars when your name reaches the top. Include instructions to make x copies of the letter and send it to x numbers of friends. As you know, chain letters are quite illegal, but you will still follow through with this plan by sending copies to the letter to your friends, who are the postmaster general of the United States, the U.S, attorney general, the local district attorney, and any other law-enforcement personnel you with to include.

An alternative to the dollar amounts might be to say “send your wife/ husband to the man/woman at the top of the list for one night. When you reach the top you will have x different encounters; some of them will have been great fun.”

Some other remarkable Mail Prank ideas:

Send in subscriptions to embarasing magazines in the victim’s name. Make sure to check “Bill Me”.

Send off a request in the victims name to numerous foriegn postage stamp bureaus requesting ordering information, to be put on mailing lists, etc. The response is quite astounding.

Get change of address cards from the post office and change the victim’s address to someplace like Guam.