Last week was all about Iron Man again because of course it was, all it had as competition was The Great Gatsby. This week a new brand of nerdism rears its ugly head and storms into theaters. Will any other movie have a chance? Ha ha ha, of course not.

Bartenders of the world come from three schools. Those who care about customers, those who don’t and those who hate them. The hateful ones are the ones that make up disgusting shots for others to try to fight their way through and no one knows why they partake of them at all. Just because you can mix to arguably drinkable substances together doesn’t mean you should or that the resulting mixture isn’t toxic. But here we are. I literally tried four of these before I gave up and decided to just write about how I imagine the rest would be.

NBC seems determined to ruin itself as a television network. They’ve scourged their comedy lineup, they rejected a show by the hilarious comedian John Mulaney and, to top it off, they decided to renew Celebrity Apprentice because why should anyone ever watch the network again? It’s ranking behind all other major networks and Univision.

If you don't watch Kitchen Nightmares you've missed out on something remarkable in the last week, something that has boiled over from TV and into social media and, presumably, a mental asylum somewhere in Arizona as the owners of a restaurant featured on the show are literally losing their minds on the internet in a bizarre, mind-altering fight against perceived enemies and haters.

Why not write this article before Mother’s Day so you could avoid all of this stuff? Because this about regret and you don’t regret things you didn’t screw up yet, you regret the ones you screwed up badly. If you did any of this yesterday, feel bad. It was wrong.

Last week, predictable, Iron Man 3 made all the money ever. According to Box Office Mojo it now holds the #2 spot for the greatest gap in box office take between the top grossing film and the second top grossing film in the same week. Iron Man 3 was #1 with about $175 million. Pain and Gain was #2 with about $7 million. That’s a big ass gap alright.

A company called Bitbanger Labs has created the Remee, a sleep mask that purports to give you lucid dreams. A lucid dream, of course, is a dream in which you are conscious and aware of dreaming. This mask, then, turns your head into Inception and you can do whatever you want in that dreamworld because why not? The concept sounds pretty awesome but since most people have never had a lucid dream, it’s hard to know what you’re missing or what you can look forward to if this mask really works.

I’ve mentioned my distaste for ghosts in horror movies before bit I feel like the message really needs to be clarified. I just found out Paranormal Activity 5 comes out this year and, frankly, I’m absolutely disgusted. God, those are bad movies. Why do they keep getting made? Who keeps watching them? Stop it!

The internet is a solid 70% pet videos, the rest of it is useless government websites, flash games, porn, Holy Taco, and instructional videos on DIY home projects. People just really love uploading millions of inane pet videos and all of them generally fall into one of seven categories. These are those 7 categories and, it should be noted, we probably don’t need any more of these videos for a while. We have lots, thanks.

If you saw Iron Man 3 this weekend, you noticed it’s packed to the gills with Iron Men. There’s the new Mark 42 armor, and Iron Patriot armor, an aquatic suit, a Brute suit made for lifting, Asgardian Destroyer armor and a whole bunch of others. It’s a pantload of Iron Men. An Iron Extravaganza. But should there have been more? Better Iron Men? More useful Iron Men? Yes. Yes there should have.