Your blonde, the one from Texas, walks into the ER complaining all of her body hurts! The doctor says that's impossible! The blonde replies that no matter where she touches on her body it hurts really really bad. The doctor asks her to show him. She bends over to touch her foot and screams in agony, then bends down and touches her ankle, screaming again in agony. Once more the blonde bends over and touches her knee, screaming once again in agony! The doctor looks at her and simply replies, young lady your finger is broken!

Y'all have made my nite! I woke up three people just to tell them they had to read all of this! As for the reply of it's not the region but the education or the lack there of....WRONG! I'm edumucated really good, my teachers learned me very well, it's definately a southern thing.....born and bred TEXAN!

(when reading this statement, please be sure to use your best Southern belle voice and accent) Little ole me found this on that thing called the world wide web and thought that you Gentlemen might like it. Hope ya'll enjoy it.

Your Abbreviated Guide to Proper YankeeTalk

And they say we talk funny?!

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - this guide may help you understand what they are sayin', (but I doubt it).
Pahty: A place to go to drink and socialize - nothing to do with Mother Nature.

ah: The letter between "q" & "s."
ahnt: Sistah of your fathah or muthah.
bah: Serves beah and hahd likkah: "The train to Noo Yok has a bah cah." bay
ah: Ferocious brown or black animal.
beah: Malt beverage.
bahn: As in: "What yeah were you bahn in?"
bzah: Strange, odd.
Chahlz: The rivah.
chowdah: Clams, milk, buttah.
cahn: Stahchy veggie that comes on a cob.
connah: Where streets intersect.
fah: Not neah heah
fahk: What you eat pahster with.
fiah: Blaze
Gahden: What they closed last yeah (also a place to plant flowahs.)
hahbah: What they dumped tea into in 1773.
Hahvid: Preppy college across the rivah.
hahf-ahst: Done without regahd to detail.
heah: Done with the eahs. "Listen my children, and you shall heah of the midnight ride of Paul Reveah."
khakis: What you staht the cah with and keep on yawh key chain.
nawtheastah: Stahm that blows in from the wottah.
Noo Yok: Sinkhole 240 miles south of Tremont Street.
owah: Sixty minutes.
pahk: Cahn't do it in Hahvad Yahd. Not downtown, eithah.
pahster: spaghetti, ziti, etc.
pastah: The rectah of a parish, like St. Mahgrits.
pichahs: They throw fastballs at Fenway.
Rawjah: He *used to* throw the fastest fastballs at Fenway.....
Reveah: He rode through Ahlington on a hoss shouting, "To Ahms!"
shuah: Of course
shot: Not tall.
wof: A peeah, jutting into the hahbah.
wottah: H2O
yeah: A 365 day period

reading this hurt as much as the southern talk

[This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited October 11, 2000).]

Aig - what a hen lays
Aints - He's got aints in his paints
Paints - what cha put on your laigs of a mornin
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
Bag - He bagged her to marry him
Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
Bub - the light bub burned out
Cheer - what you set in
Crick - a small stream
Clum - he sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
Chiny - country over in Asia
Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
Cyow - Animal on Farm
Deppity - He helps out the shurf
Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
Dainz - Satidy night social
Ellum - A graceful tree
Fanger - what you put your rang on
Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
Far - what get the brandin arn hot
Furred - He got furred from his job
Flar - a rose is a purdy flar
Frash - them aigs ain't frash
Furiners - All non-'bamans
Further - hits ten miles further to town
Grain - She was grain with envy
Hail - where bad folks go
Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly - People in the next county
Hollar - whats between the hills
Hard- got a brend new hard hand
Tar - his core blew a tar
Laymun - a sour fruit
Laig - Most folks have two of them
Lather - what you climb up
Liberry - where you go to check out books for larnin
Mailk - what you get from cyows
Mere - what you see your self in
Minners - Live bait
Misrus - Married Woman
Nar - Opposite of wide
Nayk - Your head sets on it
Nup - NO
Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
Ormy - What the sojers go in
Pank - a light red color
Parch - sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
Petition - What separate the rooms
Poke - a paper bag or sack
Pokey - what the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in
Poke Salit -a green vegetable
Puppet - what the preacher is in
Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
Purt near - almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
Rang - you wear it on your fanger
Rut - that there tree sure has long ruts
Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
Rainch - A big cow farm
Rat - Do it rat now!
Rench - rench the soap yourself
Roont - She plum roont her shoes
Salary - A stringy vegetable
Soardeens - small canned fish
Shar - A light rain
Gully Worsher - a medium heavy rain
Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody
Pop - a soft drink
Sprang - Water out'n the ground
Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
Storch - this here aprn has to much storch in it
Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
Tho -tho me the ball
Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
War - a bobbed war fance
Worsh - go worsh your face
Warter - what you worsh your face in
Yurp - a continent overseas

"It would take too long to you explain" translated - I have no idea how it works.

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind" translated - I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.

"Take a break honey, you're working too hard" translated - I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

"That's interesting, dear" translated - Are you still talking?

"You know how bad my memory is" translated - I remember the theme song to "F Troop", the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned...but I forgot your birthday.

"I was just thinking about you, and got these roses" translated - The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

"Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal" translated - I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" translated - And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

from that response it sounds as if you need to spend some time in the good ole south and learn to relax. Sounds like you got yankeeitis. Oh wait. I forgot. You wouldn't be able to understand us. Maybe instead of a seeing eye dog, maybe you could find one that could translate for you.

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home,
so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Kentucky family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
It works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and
pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we
cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried,
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it
is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks
just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him
cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened.

This was sent to me, and since it pretty much tells it like it is I thought I would share. This is a Southerner talking to a Northerner about Southern weddings.
The Southern Groom

1) "At a Southern wedding," I said, "you have your own dessert." When the
traditional wedding cake is rolled out at a genteel Southern reception, it is
typically accompanied by a groom's cake. Most of these are dark and endowed
with chocolate, but no two are ever the same. Tradition dictates that the
groom's cake reflect the personality of (quite logically) the groom. Former
football players have cakes shaped like footballs. Banjo players have cakes
shaped like banjos. Southern writers have cakes shaped like liquor bottles.
Pieces of the cake are often put in small boxes and sent home with the
wedding's unmarried female guests, who then put the boxes under their
pillows. According to legend, whomever they dream of that night will be their
next husband. My sister once dreamt of Zero Mostel (the original Tevye in
"Fiddler on the Roof") and had the shakes for a week.

2) "You may think that the maid of honor is hitting on you," I said," but in
actuality she finds you revolting." The Southern woman is effervescent and
affectionate even with men she despises. She punctuates her words with
touches on the arm and makes eye contact with an ardency that flusters most
Northerners. I once knew a couple from New York who took their 10-year-old
son to a wedding in North Carolina. After several minutes of meeting guests
at the reception, the boy wanted to know why everyone was staring at him. No
one in the North ever looked him in the eye. Older outsiders often mistake
the epic Southern politeness for flirtation, and Northern grooms -- who are,
of course, the center of attention at a Southern wedding -- may suspect their
punch is spiked with Ecstasy. "Enjoy the lilting accents and the sweet
words," I told my Jersey friend, "but realize that they're making Turnpike
jokes behind your back."

3) "If you're unsure about appropriate behavior at a Southern wedding," I
said, "read some Jane Austen." Much like the gentry of Austen's Regency
England, Southerners generally subdue their emotions and refrain from candor.
I do not recommend crying in happiness during the ceremony or giving the
bride anything more than a peck on the cheek -- either at the altar or during
the reception. I once saw a marriage practically ruined in its infancy when
the drunken groom -- a Baltimore resident -- slipped his Southern bride some
tongue in the middle of the best man's toast.

4) "If someone drops wedding cake into your lap," I said, "smile and tell
them how fine they're looking." When you come upon the bride's ex-beau -- the
one from Memphis who once beat you up with a Lynyrd Skynyrd cassette -- greet
him with a "So good to see you" and happily shake his hand. "So good to see
you" is a wonderful, catch-all Southern greeting. It can be used with guests
you know and guests you don't know, guests you like and guests you don't
like. When saying goodbye, a "Come by the house sometime" is also
appropriate. This isn't meant to be taken literally -- it's a euphemism for
"So good to see you."

5) "String ties are for cowboys," I said, "wear a bow tie." The groom at a
Southern wedding doesn't don any unusual clothing or accouterments. As in
most American weddings, he typically wears black-tie and tails. With the
myriad teas, luncheons, and parties that surround a Southern wedding,
however, there is plenty of opportunity for the Northern groom to dress like
a Southerner. A bow tie on a summer Southern day is all it takes. Of course,
if there's an outdoor event and you're in a dramatic mood, match that bow tie
with a bone linen suit, white shoes, and a short-brimmed straw hat. "People
will think I'm Truman Capote," my Jersey friend complained. "No they won't,"
I said. "You'll be getting married."

6) "When offered barbecue," I said, "don't expect hot dogs and hamoutsider
-- is the plate of barbecue. In eastern North Carolina, barbecue is pork
shoulder smoked over hickory and doused with vinegars and red peppers. But as
you travel west, the ingredients change. In the Piedmont of North Carolina,
vinegar is eschewed for a sauce with a tomato base. In Tennessee, barbecue
becomes pork ribs, whereas Texans use beef. To my Jersey friend, barbecue had
always been a gas grill on the Fourth of July and a Corningware pot filled
with baked beans. Southern barbecue is served even at black-tie Southern
weddings, and I had to make sure he wouldn't ask for ketchup.

7) "At the bar," I said, "don't opt for a martini." Looking like a
Southerner when asking for a drink isn't difficult for the Northern groom.
The mint julep -- fresh mint muddled with sugar, bourbon, and crushed ice --
is an obvious choice in Kentucky or Louisiana. Jack Daniels will be on hand
in and out of Tennessee, and is often mixed with ginger ale. Even teetotalers
must understand a unique terminology. In the South, Coke is a blanket term,
not a specific one. Whereas Northerners say soda, Midwesterners say pop, and
television commercials say soft drink, Southerners say Coke. Dr. Pepper and
Sprite and Pepsi are all Cokes. If someone wants a Coke, you should probably
ask, "What kind?"

8) "In the rural South," I said somewhat facetiously, "you may be offered
moonshine." When my father was a boy in Elkin, North Carolina, they called it
"white lightnin" or "rocket juice." He once went to a party where it was
served in Styrofoam cups. If you didn't drink it fast enough, it would eat
through the Styrofoam.

Hey speedie,
Anywhere near Clarksville?
If you are, the wife and I will treat you and yours to dinner some evening. (or is it supper in the south? I forget as I am a former yankee)
Love your posts by the way. Refreshing to see and hear your opinions.

Wow, thanks Chief.
I am in East TN. Thanks for the invite and to be honest with you, I call it both. I am beginning to wonder if there isn't some yankee in my background. Is there a purification process to remove that? LMAO.... just kidding don't any one get their bunkers in a knot.