Are You Using Fair Trade Condoms With Your Free-Range Hookers?

Like any socially conscious steward of Mother Earth, I have minimum standards when it comes to sex. I want my hookers sustainable, my porn carbon neutral, and my sex toys handcrafted from renewable resources.

I don’t care if you’re heterosexual or homosexual as long as you’re eco-sexual.

Sure, you might think the sex industry is inherently sustainable. But you probably don’t realize how many reasons there are to feel guilty about what you’re doing. No, I’m not talking about the porn ‘n’ hookers, silly! It’s the environmental and social impact of sex work that should have your certified organic panties in a bunch. Not to worry, though. Givers like Green Futures deputy editor Anna Simpson are working feverishly to ensure your eco-sexually correct future looks a lot like this (hat tip: Pirate’s Cove):

Feel like watching the latest Fair Trade-certified porn film? The actors all enjoy decent pay, health insurance, and pensions. The carbon impact of the set lighting and travel is offset through investment in clean, efficient cookstoves sold at affordable prices to women in rural Africa.

Perhaps you’d prefer a spot of ethical lap-dancing? You can be sure the performers are all willing and well-paid: It’s certified by Care and Consent, the highly reputable international certification body for ethical sex. You tip generously, knowing that 50 percent of the profits are promised to the local women’s community center.

Or, maybe best of all, you opt for an evening in with your sweetheart. You’ve got everything you need: condoms made from rubber tapped sustainably in Brazil, hand-carved FSC-certified sex toys, and delicious Fair Trade dark chocolate body paint.

Tempted? You’re not alone.

Yes, the Left has discovered yet another segment of society to, er, penetrate: the sex industry.

Does your brothel use renewable energy to power the vibrating beds? Do the actors in that porn video donate to sad and hopeless progressive causes like Kathy Griffin’s comedy tours? And what about your condoms? Are they made from sustainably harvested fair trade latex processed by one-legged widows with gold-plated pensions in Sri Lanka? No?! Shame on you!

Okay, I think I got the whole eco-sexual activist thing out of my system now. I don’t have the stamina to keep it up. (Heh.)

But as absurd and mockable as this is, we’re not just dealing with killjoys and spoilsports. And we’re certainly not looking at genuine concern for the ethical treatment of sex industry employees, as Anna Simpson would have you believe. “Eco-sexuality” is yet another feelgood lefty scheme designed to give hipsters something to boast about as they sip humanely processed eco-tinis at the next vegan dinner party.

Anna Simpson and her ilk feign concern for the exploited workers of the sex industry, but they continue to order Asian escorts (read: human trafficking victims) from the seediest pages of The Village Voice. And Simpson is happy to continue enlarging her own carbon footprint by playing “Two Girls, One Cup” on an endless loop (hypothetically, of course) because hey, she wrote a whole article about how the actresses should be driving Priuses to and from the set.