Jason Torchinsky

Cosmopolitan Magazine is a popular woman's magazine that's known for employing sex columnists who are aliens and only understand human mating behavior through crudely-translated text descriptions sent by space-fax. That's why no one should be shocked at the content of their guide to sex in cars. But you'll be a little shocked.

Throughout my long tenure writing Ridiculous Tips For A Miserable Sex Life, I've taken aim at…
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The reason you'll be shocked is at the idea that a large national magazine/website would have someone write a set of tips about having sex in cars who has clearly never been inside a human car. Or inside a human. Or had a human inside her. However those alien genitals work.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that a safe 102% of the readers of this site are fans of …
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The list, on the surface, seems to be full of pretty run-of-the-mill supermarket checkout magazine sex tips, but on closer inspection, things just don't seem to make sense, on some basic technical levels. Let's walk through them so you can see what I mean:

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1. Kinky Belts

All cars come equipped with the perfect BDSM accessory—seatbelts, people! Have your man sit in the passenger seat and then click the belt into place. Order him to lift his hands over his head, and use whatever's around (a scarf, your bikini top, a dog leash, etc.) to bind them to the headrest. Finally, slip sunglasses over his eyes to restrict his vision and have your wicked way with him.

First, seat belts are possibly the least sexy kind of belt, and I'm including alternator belt in that list. And second, they're nothing like BDSM restraints — they don't actually hold you tightly in any position. If you want to, say, lean forward slowly, you can easily do that. They're not people containment restraints, they're designed to keep you from flying through the windshield in an accident.

More importantly, how tall does this Arcturan person think car seats are? If you put your hands over your head, they're going to be a good 4-6" above the headrest, minimum. The only people whose hands over their heads you could "bind...to the headrest" with a bikini top or dog leash or colostomy bag hose or whatever would have to be toddler-sized. And that brings up all kinds of disturbing issues.

2. Temperature Tease

Now have some fun with him by blasting the AC for a couple of minutes, then switching to heat. Or turn the seat warmer on while the air conditioner is running. Not only does it add to the surprise factor because he doesn't know what's coming next, but transitioning from hot to cold also makes his skin ultra sensitive.

Wait, what? "Blasting the A/C and then switching to heat" doesn't work like that, at least not while bound by the rules of Earth physics. It's not like your car's HVAC system is some magic glowing orb that instantaneously changes temperature — the method described would be a slow, noisy way to gradually change the temperature up or down a few degrees over the course of a number of minutes.

That "transition from hot to cold" isn't going to happen like that. At all. No one's skin will get "ultra sensitive." You'll just get a very confused sex partner wondering why the fuck you're playing with the climate controls instead of their genitals.

3. Sunny Side Up

Open the sunroof and have your man sit in the passenger seat. Climb on top, facing him, and stand with your feet on either side of his hips (thanks to the sunroof, your upper body will be outside). Let him to treat you to oral—and if you're wearing a skirt or dress, just ditch your underwear and let the material cascade over his head.

Okay, oral sex in the car is fine. That's great, have at it. But again, the logistics and physics of of the car this author has in mind could only exist in an Escher print. "Stand with your feet on either side of his hips." His hips in the car seat? Has this person ever seen the gap between the seat and the door, or between the seats themselves? If that center area isn't taken up by console or parking brake, there's still almost always a transmission hump there, and good luck cramming a shoe comfortably between seat and door.

If the idea of having someone go down on you while one foot is crushed in a vice of leather and metal and the other is crammed toe-first into a cupholder gets you superhot, then knock yourself out, perv.

4. Take Him for a Ride

With your guy in the passenger seat, shift the seat all the way back, and recline the seatback. Get into his lap and go at it cowgirl-style. (Hint: Grab onto the headrest for leverage.)

This one should probably work. Yay fucking!

5. Fast and Furious

Kneel on the passenger seat, facing the back of the car, and (depending on how tall he is) have him either kneel on the seat or crouch behind you for doggie sex.

Seriously, lady, at least get a model car and look inside it. If you kneel on the passenger seat and face backwards, for almost any normal-sized human in a normal-sized car, your ass is going to be pretty damn close to that dashboard. And with the windshield rake in most modern cars, there's not going to be a hell of a lot of headroom.

Your partner sure as hell isn't going to be able to "kneel on the seat." I mean, sure, a determined coitus-haver can probably cram themselves in the car, and then into the partner, but it's going to be like two garden gnomes trying to fuck in a snail shell. And we've all seen how that turns out.

6. Lap Trance

Here's a hot one to try in the driver's seat: Move the seat back as far as it goes, and sit face-forward on your man's lap, so you're both looking out the front window. Grab onto the steering wheel and use it to help rock your body back and forth.

Okay, this will probably basically work, but if you're going through all this effort to fuck in the car, you may as well get out of the drivers' seat.

7. Rear View, Ahem, Mirror

Strategically angle the car mirrors so they're directed at the action.

I defy anyone to be able to position a car's rear view mirrors — outside or inside — in any way where you could actually get a decent glimpse of what the hell is going on inside the car from, again, inside the car. The mirrors just aren't designed for that.

8. Spoonful of Hotness

Spoon sex is the most comfortable back seat option (missionary can feel claustrophobic)—plus, no one will be able to see you. Move the front seats forward and the seat backs upright. He should lie on his side across the backseat, with you in front of him so your back is pressed against his chest. If the seat is narrow, keep yourself from falling off by bracing your hands against the seat in front of you.

She's ending up in the rear footwell, sexily gyrating on the transmission hump, face in a nice filthy floormat.

9. Rock Your World

Music amps up car sex: Because you're in such a small space, if you crank the volume enough the whole car will start to thump and vibrate, which can supercharge sensations. It also masks noise, giving you the freedom to get loud if you feel like it. Try changing the station during sex depending on the mood you're in—so, hard rock if you want a fast, intense tempo; R&B for a slow, romantic vibe.

Music's great, but the idea of making it so loud in the car that the vibrations will "supercharge sensations" just seems like it would be awful. This author has never, ever done this, and never will. This is just a recipe for one partner to be repeatedly yelling "I SAID YOU'RE ON MY HAIR!"

10. Own Him

The owner's manual stashed in your glove compartment doubles as a handy spanker. Just sayin'.

Yes, you are "Just saying'" because nobody in the history of humankind wants this to happen. Have you seen most owner's manuals? They're like fat stubby little Trapper Keepers. And has this person ever actually opened an actual car's glovebox?

So, you're saying you should pause whatever sex you are managing to get going, open the glove box, sort through and/or toss out all the registration papers, service records, parking tickets, trash, tire pressure monitors, spare bulbs and whatever else to get to the owner's manual? And then you're going to spank your partner with it? Instead of just fucking?

This is a several-minute process at least. And those old unpaid parking tickets are a surefire way to kill a boner. No one will ever do this.

Fine. Sure. Who gives a shit — leave the windows up. Let them steam up. This will happen no matter what, because us humans breathe air with water vapor in it. Better make a note of that!

12. Get Exhibitionist-y

If you're feeling daring, lie down on the hood of the car, cover your bodies with a big blanket or towel, and then get into scissor sex position. That way, if anyone passes by it'll look like you're just making out.

Oh god. Okay. For one thing, it won't look like you're "just making out," because people who are making out never ever do this. This person has no idea how difficult this would actually be on any car made past 1978. Hoods have compound curves, and are made of relatively thin metal that will pop into a shallow dent with two gripping bodies writhing on it, trying desperately to keep that blanket on and not slide down the dramatically curved side of the hood, well-lubed with sweat.

Maybe this would work with a mid '70s Lincoln Continental or LTD or something. Maybe.

13. Okay, Now Get Really Exhibitionist-y

If you're positive you won't get caught, go all out by trying doggie-style sex on the hood. Stand on the ground facing the car, bend over at the waist, and rest your hands on the hood so he can enter you from behind. Or, get onto the hood on your hands and knees (lay down a towel or blanket first in case the metal is hot).

Okay, the lean-over-the-hood thing will probably work fine, since you can lean over pretty much anything to get fucked in such a manner. Getting completely on the hood on all fours would put you pretty high off the ground for most cars, though. If you try it on an SUV, I hope you're wanting to be fucked by a guy on drywall stilts.

14. Raise the Roof

Lie perpendicular on the roof of the car and scooch your butt to the edge so your legs dangle over the side. He should stand in front of you so you can prop your thighs on his shoulders, putting him in primo position to go down on you.

Is this really a "primo position?" It doesn't sound that comfortable for anyone.

Look, here's the biggest problem with this whole stupid set of "tips." What are they even for, anyway? If you've decided you want to have sex in the car, then just goddamn have sex in the car! You don't need to try to spice shit up or turn on and off the A/C or any of that bullshit — you're ALREADY FUCKING IN A CAR.

You want to make fucking in a car hot? Then why not just FUCK IN THE CAR. You may as well, seeing as how you're already FUCKING IN THE CAR.