US Navy’s “Talk Like a Pirate Day” celebrations go terribly wrong

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus has ordered an immediate, fleet-wide halt to all “Talk Like A Pirate Day” activities, after a large number of incidents and accidents throughout the Navy, as well as hints and allegations of impropriety by enlisted sailors and officers alike.

In one case, an overly enthusiastic sailor on USS Alabama (SSBN-731) reportedly launched a submarine launched ballistic missile (SLBM) after Chief of the Boat Roger Jolie ordered “Avast, ye polliwogs. Prepare to send those Moscow bilge rats to Davy Jones’ locker!” Fortunately, the master-at-arms relieved both men immediately and the SLBM was destroyed remotely just four miles downrange, according to a Navy spokesman.

The USS Winston S. Churchill (DDG-81) reported a short-lived mutiny, led by the ship’s mess officer, Ens. Anne Bonny. Bonny was already under investigation after an outbreak of scurvy was reported. She is believed to have led the mutiny after Executive Officer Cdr. George Cody banned “Talk Like A Pirate Day” celebrations because of incidents last year, involving a “walk the plank” contest and a food fight during “Ham Night.”

Other incidents include:

USS Monsoon (PC-4): The patrol craft has ceased all radio traffic and appears on course for the Caribbean for unknown reasons.

USS Gonzalez (DDG-66): In the Indian Ocean, a U.S. destroyer was reportedly fired upon by Australian forces off the coast of Yemen. The unnamed Australian frigate reported that it became concerned after Gonzalez hoisted a Jolly Rodger flag and and broadcast “Arrrrrrr!” on a distress frequency. After hailing Gonzalez and receiving only “unintelligble” responses, the Australians fired warning shots, one of which damaged Gonzalez’ hangar.

USS Halyburton (FFG-40): Crew from the frigate have reportedly boarded a cruise liner off the coast of Somalia. An email from a Halyburton crew member to Duffel Blog indicated they intended to overtake the Somalis, then “clear the cruise ship of all the rum, women, and able bodied men and then scuttle her.”

USS George Washington (CVN-73): USS George Washington has announced on its webpage that the carrier is now “Queen Anne’s Revenge.” Captain Gregory Fenton tweeted a picture of himself wearing a mop head dyed black with kiwi shoe polish on his chin with the hashtag #Yarrr.

Fleetwide, more than 200 sailors are reportedly in the brig for warning female shipmates to “Prepare to be boarded, ye scurvy wenches!”

A source close to Mabus told Duffel Blog that Mabus has told top Admirals “I don’t know about Rum or sodomy, but by God, I’ll give them back the lash if I have to!”

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This entry was posted on Saturday, September 19th, 2015 at 8:54 am and is filed under circus of life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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