Celest-jewel-ale is made with lunar meteorites that have been crushed into dust, then steeped like tea in a rich, malty Oktoberfest. These certified moon jewels are made up primarily of minerals and salts, helping the yeast-induced fermentation process and lending this traditional German style a subtle but complex earthiness. (Or is it mooniness?) [Dogfish Head Brewery]

Okay, three things:

1) America is a great, strong nation.

2) The beer is only available at the Dogfish Head brewery, just outside of Rehoboth Beach, about two hours south of Philadelphia. The official UPROXX recommendation is that you drink a bunch of these and then soak them all up with fries from Thrasher’s.

3) If I know anything about anything (and, for the record, I do not), this will all go swimmingly until Dogfish Head unknowingly brews a batch that contains a microscopic amount of mysterious alien ooze. A few hours after drinking the beer from this batch, people will start acting strange. They’ll roam the streets aimlessly, mumbling about “the uprising.” As the ooze rapidly multiplies in their bloodstream, they’ll become stronger and stronger and start seeking each other out. Eventually the whole group will turn violent. Chaos will ensue. They’ll set buildings ablaze up and down the East Coast with white-hot lasers that shoot out of their mouths. The President will send in the military, but it will be pointless. Our man-made weapons will be useless against them. Within a week, the human race as we know it will be wiped off the planet, with only the faint smell of laser-burned flesh lingering in the air as proof we were ever here.