How to Touch a Naked Man

Not just the best places on his body -- but his heart, mind and soul, too

You probably know the erotic terrain of your husband's body better than he knows the path between the refrigerator and the couch, which is saying something. In fact, you may be too well acquainted with his hot spots, which -- admit it -- you return to time and again. It's understandable:

You know you'll get a rise out of him. Right? But relying on the tried and true can be a passion killer in the long run. And the truth is, your husband may have a hundred and one other pleasure centers on his body and enjoy being touched in a hundred and one other ways. If you're sticking to the obvious, you're shutting out a world of possibilities. A recent Redbook survey showed that as much as men want more sex of any kind, they'd also really like more total-body devotion and head-to-toe exploration. So forget the obvious moves for the moment and come along as we help you chart a course deep into sexy new territory. Trust us, you'll both enjoy the trip!

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Step 1: Make Him Relax

Play head games. Helping a guy unwind can go a long way toward getting him in the mood, even if the relaxation begins hours before the sex does. It's amazing how much stress a man can store above the neck alone, so try this: Rub your fingertips in little circles on his temples, around his eyes and along his jawbone. Don't be surprised if he purrs; your handiwork will begin to melt away his tension -- and could turn him into a tiger.

If you feel like really spoiling him, coax him into a warm bath and gently massage shampoo into his scalp and neck. While you run your fingers through his hair, grab a handful of it and pull gently. This kind of playful touch is not only soothing, it's a good way to reconnect after a day apart. When my friends Jane and Art, 39-year-old computer programmers in Middletown, New Jersey, finally find time alone after putting their four kids to bed, she sometimes takes his head in her lap and pretends to crack an egg on it, gently tapping a loose fist against his head, then runs her fingers lightly down his face. "It gives him shivers, it's fun for me and it sets a tone that this is playtime, with no agenda," Jane says.

Go to extremes.

As utilitarian as they may be, the hands and feet are also loaded with erotic potential. Just a few minutes of kneading and/or stroking your man's extremities will make tension-busting waves radiate throughout his body. Starting with the palm of his hand or the sole of his foot, work your fingertips across it with a firm pressure, then massage his fingers or toes one by one. Regard his placid face as he blinks slowly and begins to turn to putty: This guy is at your mercy as you erase the pressures of the day and pull him into the moment.

Make him flip for you.
Even the most in-control guy will gladly obey when you tell him, "Lie down, honey. It's time for a massage." As you straddle him in the superior position, all he has to do is receive your caresses, and that's bound to usher in warm feelings of being cared for. "I love it when my wife massages me, because I don't have to provide any energy to the process," says Patrick, a 37-year-old Chicago human-resources consultant who often returns home exhausted from extensive business travel. Vary your strokes -- light and superficial, strong and deep -- on his back, shoulders and arms. Using the palms of your hands, your knuckles or your fingertips, seek out the knots in his muscles (key trouble spots are the upper and lower back as well as the thighs and the calves) and knead them gently but firmly. You may want to try some warm oil (baby oil works well) to enable a fluid stroke. "I started giving my husband massages after his pickup soccer games, solely with the idea of relieving his muscle pain," says Jane. "But I soon found that what begins as a casual time of relaxation often turns into a passionate time of intimacy.

Step 2: Turn Up the Heat

Give him some lip.
The beauty of a massage is that it inspires intimacy merely through touch. But be careful: You can overdo it, nudging him toward sleep instead of arousal. One way to prevent this is to change tactics: "When I want to step it up from relaxing to erotic, I just go from using my hands to kissing him -- not on his lips but on other parts of his body," says Christina, a 34-year-old New York yoga instructor with a 6-year-old daughter. "Maybe I'll kiss his fingers instead of just stroking them, or I'll work my way up his leg or arm using my lips rather than my hands -- just lips is erotic; just hands is relaxing; hands and lips is relaxing and erotic."

Go for the known zones.
After you've started down the path to passion, you can begin to focus on the obvious erogenous zones, such as the neck and ears, which when touched can elicit shivers. A gentle nuzzling of your husband's neck, for instance, may not only feel good but also evoke such feelings of tenderness or surrender that it pushes him into the sensual zone. Roger, a 40-year-old mortgage broker in San Diego, was turned on to the erotic potential of his ears back in the eighth grade, during a make-out session. More than 25 years later, he vividly recalls the twinge he felt. "When she stuck her tongue in my ear, I was like, Oh, my God, I think I have a G spot in there! To this day, if my wife nibbles on my ear, I can pretty much whip out the post-sex cigarette right there."

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Explore beyond the pale.
If you're in search of new erogenous zones, start with the five areas of tender, pale skin on his body: on his belly below his navel, the sides of his chest, the skin on his inner arms and inner thighs and behind his knees. Suggestively stroking these areas, as opposed to massaging them, is sure to inspire goose bumps -- and probably more. "When you press firmly, you hit more muscle tissue, but that kills sensation on the surface of the skin," explains Linda De Villers, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Marina del Rey, California. "When you keep your touch light, you hit a whole other set of nerve endings that are much more closely related to erotic sensation."

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Using your nails or fingertips, make little circles, long swirls, fluid strokes -- or trace any other pattern you can think of. Vary the experience by touching him with your palm, breasts or hair. "I love it when my wife sweeps her nails up my inner thigh with a gentle stroke that starts at my calf," says Patrick, the human-resources consultant.

Keep him guessing.
Now that you've got him eating out of your hand, if not licking it, you can increase his anticipation by slowing things down a bit. Your man, like so many others, may tend to be in a hurry to arrive at the final destination; the trick is to get him to just enjoy the ride. So stop touching him. That's right: Stop. Just for a few moments, pull your hands or your lips away from his body and tell him to close his eyes. Not knowing when or where your hands will alight next will keep his senses razor-sharp. "My wife and I sometimes use a blindfold during foreplay," says Joe, 39, a New York painter. "When I can't see, my other senses seem much sharper. And I'm constantly guessing, Where will she touch me next? I find it incredibly erotic and playful.

Do unto him as...

"Any way I imagine I would enjoy being touched, I touch my husband," says Jane. "And then I hope he remembers to reciprocate!" It's true: What feels good to you is bound to feel good to him. This applies to all the body parts you have in common -- nipples, for instance. Some men enjoy having them tweaked and rubbed, while other guys think that's sissy stuff and recoil. "It's not something I'd discuss with the guys on poker night," says Joe, "but I like it when my wife mimics some of the ways I touch her. I think this is probably the case for a lot of men."

If you decide to travel to an off-the-beaten-path male erogenous zone, you have three options: One, just go for it; two, ask him beforehand if he thinks (or knows) it will turn him on; and three, try it and ask him if he likes it (that way you'll know for sure if it's something he really grooves on or is merely tolerating).

Bring out the toy box.
Sex props needn't be motorized gadgets that arrive in your mailbox in a plain brown wrapper. Imagine the varied sensations you could induce with a single feather, a mouthful of ice cubes or warm tea, a silk scarf, satin gloves or a paintbrush dipped in warm oil. What you wear to bed can also add to the party. "One of my old boyfriends was all about stockings because he liked my legs to feel silky against his legs," says Christina.

Down, boy!
At some point your guy will get antsy and eager to speed things up, and will try to give you back some of what he's getting. Guys don't linger long in the passive zone. "Most men in that vulnerable state feel insecure," explains Michael Seiler, Ph.D., a Chicago sex-and-marriage therapist. "It's in that state that you can get the most hurt and get the most pleasure." "Men need to learn more about getting into the process and not just the main event," says De Villers. "If you're focused only on getting there, you may have five seconds of glory." Five minutes -- or 50, if you can stand it -- would be much better, right? So be direct. "If my man gets impatient during foreplay, I try to make sure that communication stays open," says Jen, 30, a media planner in New York. "I say something like 'Hey, let's slow down; we've got all night.' It keeps me in control and makes the sex a lot better!"

Step on the brakes.
The word "foreplay" suggests that it leads to something definite and final. Let's just say, though, that after you and your man are relaxed and aroused, you just stop. Maybe it's the middle of the afternoon and the kids are due home any minute, or maybe you're just plain tired. Well, don't sweat it. Sex therapists say it's healthy to get aroused and then call a time-out. It's a way to keep your desire on "simmer."

"I can enjoy a massage and sensual touching and then falling off to sleep just as much as I can enjoy having intercourse and then falling off to sleep," says Roger. "That's a change that's taken place over time, through my being with the same person over many years. I can be satisfied with touch as an end product of intimacy rather than as a route to orgasm."

"Sometimes when we're spooning in bed, I will reach around and hold my husband, not to arouse him but as an act of shelter and possession," says Jane. "It's a time to unwind and not force anything as we lightly rub each other's arms, move our feet up and down each other's legs and stretch against each other's bodies.

Step 3: The Perfect Touch

Be direct.
After you've covered every square inch of his body, your guy will be ready for some real manhandling. Listen up: The two most common complaints sex therapists hear from married men are that their wives touch them too tentatively or too gently, and that they don't get enough direct genital stimulation. There's no universal stroke that works for every guy, so you have to experiment. You can vary your touch by switching from a dry hand to a lubricated one, or by alternating your hand and your mouth or your hand and his hand. In any case, don't be so concerned with mechanics that you overlook his emotions. "Most men, when touched, want to feel they're being taken care of and loved," says Seiler, the Chicago sex therapist. "If you can convey your pleasure in touching him and show that you enjoy his arousal, that's a tremendous turn-on."

Spare the rod.
While it's true, as mentioned above, that men prefer a direct approach, that doesn't mean they want you to concentrate on one part of their anatomy exclusively. "While the head of the penis is the richest in nerve endings, the scrotum and testes also need to be incorporated," Seiler explains. "The guy may not even know what he finds pleasurable, so this is an opportunity to find out what turns him on."

Some women avoid the testicles and scrotum because they don't know what to do with them. One approach is to treat them as if they were eggs: Handle them with care, holding them in the palm of your hand and gently manipulating and stroking them. Some men like to have their testicles squeezed, but if you're not sure whether your husband does, proceed with caution: Too much pressure can be a painful passion killer.

Beneath his testicles you'll find a potential pleasure zone called the perineum. The prostate lies under the skin here; some men find it arousing to have this area massaged. But again, experimentation is key -- and timing can be a factor. "It's a great feeling when my wife softly pushes that area when we're making love," says Patrick. "But if she does it directly when nothing else is going on, well, that's about as sexy as having someone stick a finger in your eye!

Step 4: Take Him to the Limit in Unexpected Ways

Tweak him over the edge.
All orgasms are not created equal. Just as you know the difference between a superficial shiver and a climax that makes your eyes roll back in your head, so does a man. If you want to really rock his world, the trick is to introduce sensations that heighten the experience beyond the obvious (and obviously exciting) act in which you two are involved. For instance, if you cover his eyes or his ears while you're making love, he'll focus more on the sensations coursing through his body. Christina says that if she covers her husband's mouth just as he climaxes, his orgasm is more intense -- simply because he can't cry out.

As your man approaches the crucial moment, gently stroking his back or giving him a strong embrace may evoke the emotional component that makes your lovemaking, well, about love. It's a way to expand your definition of touch beyond the tactile: You can touch a man by the way you look at him and by what you say to him while you're making love. When you touch his mind, you touch his heart and send love messages every which way through his body. "Ultimately it doesn't really matter what you do," says Christina. "If you're intending it to be erotic, it's erotic. The way to send that message is just to be present."