Friday, February 29, 2008

And another Friday

I don't even know what to say, really. Three successive days in which I was, maybe, 1/2 lb. down a day, approaching what my lowest weight has been in this cycle, feeling hopeful about this... and then, today, nearly 3 lbs up. I am fairly sure that this is because I was taking a lot of Naproxen yesterday, pulled something in my leg which was very painful, although it seems ok now. But it's just so damn discouraging.

All these things make fractional improvements but nothing really changes. Not eating wheat this week has made both of us feel better... but it doesn't make any difference to anything else. Or does it? Hard to know. That's the whole thing. No way of telling whether this is all a huge waste of time or not. Well, I suppose that's wrong... it's not a huge waste of time however you look at it. We feel better; I feel a lot better. But the weight does not change.

It is hard not to be miserably discouraged.

I think that if I had to accept that I would be this weight for my whole life, I could deal with it. If I knew that. But Michael could not. For him, the weight is incapacitating. So what do I say? Here, honey, try this thing that isn't working some more, because somehow all the magical stars are going to align, and it will start working. Some days I believe that. Some days, I think I'm just a fool. But what is the alternative?

It's a beautiful sunny morning here, though bitter cold, and I sit here, and I just don't know where to go from here. I have never in my life not been able to lose weight. It is also true that I'm not getting any significant amount of exercise, and that's something that I genuinely could be doing differently, although even that has it's complications. I don't know. I just really don't know. It is hard not to take these things to heart.