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19 November 2013

The Cracked Cauldron

What happens when the words are strangled? how about when you sit and look at the screen and wonder if the words you are about to say are going to make things worse or better?

If someone were to actually speak to my kids, my husband or those that know me on an intimate or familial level you would know I am not a softie, I am NOT wishy washy and yes I have a big mouth, a fiery temper, and a nasty nasty way about me when crossed you can bet if I have something to say to you it won't go unsaid, but in the same token I am always fair, kind and generous to a fault ~ usually to the point of leaving myself with nothing so that I can give to another. Now if you were to ask in the magical community to those that THINK they know me their answers might be wholly different. At first it really bothered me, I mean really bothered me because in truth to be thought of that way gives off the impression that I am weak, and I know I am far from that, so it took some real time and lots of work to figure out why I kept running into cowardly people that thought they knew so much more, were so much more and could ride roughshod over me at their own whim. Truth is and always has been I bring out the truth in people - good or bad I will always see their true faces, their masks will slip - through their interaction with me their real self, their true reality of what they are will be shown, is that their fault? no it is mine, just like their misguided opinion of me is my fault as well, I have allowed it to happen, and there begins the explanation behind my fractured self.

I went within, I pulled away from everyone, I stopped listening to the random thoughts of others as they bounced them my way, I allowed Spirit to take over, as I used my gifts to see myself this time, the mask I wore became clear. The one of the inexperienced witch, the one with no "formal" training, the victimhood mask, the one that I never ever wanted to be seen as and funny enough those that know me live would never think these things. They have seen me survive that which would destroy most and yet rise to live on. I did not like what I saw. Somewhere between the death of our friend, the loss of everything we dreamt of even our own home and then the brain tumor my son lives with, the pressure finally was too much and I felt it rise and rise. The dragons came then, back up, protection and love from these Elementals is unexplainable. Within their protection I examined all the parts of me that I was unhappy with, disappointed in and even ashamed of. I looked at who I was to my children and what they think of me in comparison to what I was showing the outside world and they weren't the same at all.....almost like I was two different people, and that was it, the cauldron cracked, the pressure did it, I did it, Spirit and the Dragons did it. Then I sat back and waited for the next steps to become known to me. As the stands came I started removing myself from groups, removing people from my circles, reestablishing relationships with others, I started to live truthfully as one whole human being, instead of being me with those I knew loved me and seeming weak in front of those that only pretended to. The last 13 months have been difficult, at times heartbreaking and soul crushing and yet I went on..... the fractured part of me is over now, through the fire was born a whole person, a whole witch, by the fire and the heat of the cauldron I was forged....the fire so hot it cracked the cauldron. I have been demoralized, threatened, cheated, degraded and pushed, there have been lies spread, stories made up and spells cast to hurt me.....yes I even know about those that cast against me.....there is not much that Spirit keeps from my open eyes......the reality for me was that while I kept my true self from being whole in every part of my life not just my personal life, the actions of others just got worse and worse until finally I learnt the lesson, so I don't blame those that caused this in me for they were just vehicles of the Divine sent to show me and push me into being whole, well it worked.

Sadly there are those that did not make the cut, will not be a part of my life and will never no matter how much time passes ever be thought of fondly, some things just cannot ever be unseen. Their masks now permanently off for me, even though others still don't see them clearly, trust me when I say the day will come when all do, the shock for many will be tremendous. I have spent alot of time looking at these situations, seeing where things will end up and knowing that the casts and ill will sent will find its way back to its home, leaving all I love and is a part of me alone, it really saddens me to know that such evolved people are really not so evolved, not so truthful and not really so honorable, but that is their lesson and I leave it to the Fates, the Divine and the Elementals to deal with, me I am just an old time witch. Oh yes and the issue of training is now clear in my mind, how much better could I want for mentors and instructors than those that love the Dragons and honestly serve the Divine without ego, moving mountains to convey those messages rather than their own. I realized I had the strength all along, the connection and the training albeit not conventional, just had to let go of the fear of being judged by the same people that thought they were in a position over me, again my OWN doing, not really their fault they only took advantage of what I gave them to use, ME.

So now this is who I am, I won't be bullied, I won't be pushed and if you cast against me you best be prepared to have it come meet you at your door if not worse. I have no formal training, I only have ME with the power of all I am, all I work with, and all those that walk beside me, so be forewarned. After all you tell me how many witches in the burning times went to witch school? and yes in essence that is what many are still doing to each other now, just cowardly hiding it behind the veils of false civility, sad reality of that is that the so called "muggles" don't need to destroy our community we seem to be doing a grand job of it ourselves.

Everything I am, and all I know has come to me from my ancestors some while they lived others after they passed, Spirit and the Elementals, do you want to question their validity? I know enough to know I sure as hell don't......

We need to do so many things in order to find ourselves, to claim our place, to be us while still protecting our soul... We all use different ways in this journey of life, but in the end it is best to be us all the time. It is healthier (even if it can create a problem or three, at times). The things we lose when we remove the masks and live as our whole selves weren't ours to begin with. Live on, and be you!