Your Call: Her Husband Wants Gay Sex - from Em and Lo

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at link, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why we like to turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

[italic/Dear Em & Lo,

My husband of 26 years recently confided to me that he had advertised in Craigs List to service guys and got 3 responses, one of which ended in reality. He told me he enjoyed it and would do it again. He doesn’t want us to be separated, he encouraged me to seek other men who can sexually fulfill me. His ultimate sexual desire is to have anal sex. He told me that this is just sex, and nothing else. Should I put up with this? He is overall a decent person who generally supports and adores me. We have two grown kids. He is 71 years old and I am 49.

I think that they should first of all tell the husband that anal sex can be had between them, not just between two men. Second of all, the wife should tell the husband also that confessing such things after the fact does nothing and is considered cheating, regardless of whether or not it's "just sex."

Honestly, at seventy-one years old, to have the audacity to say to a partner of twenty-six years, "Oh, I just had sex with someone else, but don't worry, it's just sex," is quite irritating and I would not want to be with such a person.

If the husband's ultimate "sexual desire" is to have anal sex with other men, then that's what he should do. And it's wrong of him to encourage polyamory on someone who seems to be monogamous. It also seems as if the husband is saying, "I want to see other people, but let's stay married." Which, if that's the case, is achievable, but not necessarily ideal. It's not polyamory, it's just having marriage as a legal document. Not for everyone, true, but it works for some.

I hope that this helped, I feel that my response was a bit of a disjointed jumble of cynicism and personal distaste for infidelity.

The fact that he went out and did this without having a long, deep conversation with her first is the problem. That it is sex with another man is immaterial. Assuming they didn't have an open relationship beforehand, he cheated on her- plain and simple.

What should she do? That depends completely on whether she wants to have an open relationship. If she's accepting of that, then so be it. If not, she needs to reevaluate whether she can stay married to a man who doesn't value their marriage enough to talk about his feelings before he acts on them.

The fact that he went out and did this without having a long, deep conversation with her first is the problem. That it is sex with another man is immaterial. Assuming they didn't have an open relationship beforehand, he cheated on her- plain
...

The fact that he went out and did this without having a long, deep conversation with her first is the problem. That it is sex with another man is immaterial. Assuming they didn't have an open relationship beforehand, he cheated on her- plain and simple.

What should she do? That depends completely on whether she wants to have an open relationship. If she's accepting of that, then so be it. If not, she needs to reevaluate whether she can stay married to a man who doesn't value their marriage enough to talk about his feelings before he acts on them.

Exactly. Just because it's a man that he had sex with doesn't matter - it doesn't excuse the fact that he was unfaithful and went behind her back.

@Alaskan Beauty: AGREED. Hahaha. Not really, of course. But I would probably leave him to be honest. I seriously have a lot of trouble believing a male to be straight after confessing he wants gay sex. Especially after a long marriage and two children. That is dishonesty and dishonesty does not fly with me when it comes to things like that.

The fact that he went out and did this without having a long, deep conversation with her first is the problem. That it is sex with another man is immaterial. Assuming they didn't have an open relationship beforehand, he cheated on her- plain
...

The fact that he went out and did this without having a long, deep conversation with her first is the problem. That it is sex with another man is immaterial. Assuming they didn't have an open relationship beforehand, he cheated on her- plain and simple.

What should she do? That depends completely on whether she wants to have an open relationship. If she's accepting of that, then so be it. If not, she needs to reevaluate whether she can stay married to a man who doesn't value their marriage enough to talk about his feelings before he acts on them.

Mhmm, exactly he should have talked to her before doing anything.
As for what should she do, she needs to decide on her course of action for his "cheating" and if she decides to to stay with him then she needs to discuss every aspect of how this will affect their lives and it will do so in a major way.

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at link, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why we like to turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section
...

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at link, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why we like to turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

[italic/Dear Em & Lo,

My husband of 26 years recently confided to me that he had advertised in Craigs List to service guys and got 3 responses, one of which ended in reality. He told me he enjoyed it and would do it again. He doesn’t want us to be separated, he encouraged me to seek other men who can sexually fulfill me. His ultimate sexual desire is to have anal sex. He told me that this is just sex, and nothing else. Should I put up with this? He is overall a decent person who generally supports and adores me. We have two grown kids. He is 71 years old and I am 49.