Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Well I haven't done this in quite some time (nearly a year), but I think it's time for a new Live Movie Blog. I mean, the wife is sleeping, the kids are sleeping, I'm downing some vodka/iced teas, and it just seems like the thing to do. Plus, if I know my fellow americans, nobody's going to any work tomorrow anyway even if you're at work so you'll be looking for something good to read. And then when you finish that something crappy like this blog will do.

Anyway, tonight we're going with a promising little flick called, "Piranhaconda" and I have to say I love the name. I also will guarantee you there is going to be some spectacularly awful CGI and this is on SyFy so there will be zero nudity. Can always hope for side boob, I guess. Glass half full and all that. Anyway, let's see what's crackin'.

- Holy crap, Mr. Blonde is in this movie. Wow. I mean, I know he's not exactly been ripping it up at the box office or winning box loads of awards. But wow. Kind of hurts my heart. But I'm over it, because one of his co-"stars" is some dude named Chris DeChristopher. That is an awful fucking name.

- Mr. blonde, some asian scientist lady, and some dork who reminds me of a nerdier Ryder Strong are in a jungle somewhere with a waterfall. They don't really specify where, but there is a definitely a tree frog there because they just had the camera linger on it for about five minutes like this was an episode of Planet Earth.

- Mr. Blonde just found some eggs and he's stealing them by putting them in a Kool-Aid pitcher. You know what always works well? Stealing strange creatures eggs. And suddenly what I can only presume is the Piranhaconda just ate the asian lady and the fake Shawn Hunter. Then the Piranahaconda ate the helicopter they got there in. So far the bad CGI just makes the stupid thing look like a giant snake with teeth. That's less exciting than I'd pictured, and let me tell you I've spent a lot of my life trying to imagine what a hybrid piranha and anaconda would look like.

- Hot chick in a bikini alert. Probably means she's going to die, and I'm ok with that because her boobs are kind of misshapen. Probably why she's stuck in this flick and not in something classy like Zombie Strippers from Mars.

- Some dude pops out of the bushes wearing a weird mask and flailing about with a machete. I'm guessing we're watching a movie within a movie here, people. THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS.

- I was right.

- I don't really care about hockey, like at all, but this signing of these two dudes (Parise and the other guy) is pretty bad-ass. I might even watch a game.

- Some other chick shows up and let me tell you what her boobs are not misshapen. They are real and they are spectacular or at least appear to be from all the bending over this broad is doing. Also piranhaconda is there (I still have no idea where "there" is) and bites off her leg. She seems curiously unaffected by this, and continues bouncing around until the snake thing eats her in a cloud of blood. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty disappointed. That was a nice shirt. Anyway, here is what we're dealing with:

lol wat?

So.....yeah.

- There is an ocean and palm trees. Some waiter guy in a hawaiian shirt just brought drinks with umbrellas to some guy and girl who are flirting. I'm going to guess they're in Hawaii. Also that waiter in the hawaiian shirt was actually a chick. Yeah, like that's my fault.

- Some random chick was just walking in the Hawaiian (?) wilderness, saw a waterfall, and decided to strip down and go swimming. While I would normally condone this behavior, all hit did was arouse the ire of the mean snake god piranha who then ate said chick. And apparently this thing just eats everyone whole because they're there, then the thing moves in and there's a spray of red computer generation, and then they're gone. No collateral body parts or anything. Fascinating creature. Or terrible writing/editing/cinematography/special effects. One or the other.

- I either missed it or it happened off camera, but Mr. Blonde was kidnapped by a bunch of probably terrorists who kind of look like Mexicans, except for their leader who is a bored looking former SI model Rachel Hunter. I assume they are terrorists because they have lots of guns and stuff. They also suck at being criminals because the plan is apparently to kidnap Mr. Blonde, who it turns out is a professor at the University of Hawaii (go Rainbow Warriors), and hold him for ransom. Because doing that randomly is a really good way to make like $2,000. Anyway, Miz Hunter still looks damn good for what must be a 50-60 year old at his point.

Stacy's mom is like whoa

- Two college chicks are walking in the woods again and saying all kinds of nerdy things about science or whatever nerds talk about. One is a straight up nerd with ugly glasses and super conservative clothes and the body of a young boy. The other is pretty hot with a nice rack. I was going to say guess which one lives but neither did because instead they just exploded in a cloud of CGI blood like everybody else.

- Seriously, this movie is just introducing and killing random people without advancing the plot at all. And they've already gone down the path of introducing the "bad guys" (booby mcbooberson and her gang) when the only bad guy you need should be the monster animal. I hate this movie and we're only 29 minutes in. Including commercials.

- The hot, bitchy chick in this is a former Miss Missouri 2004. This was her second movie. Her second was Sharktopus. Love it. She must have some kind of giant hybrid animal fetish. Hot. This is her:

Remember Stuff? That was a truly awful magazine.

- In case you're curious, yes the Piranhaconda roars. Interesting, since neither a piranha nor an anaconda does. Perhaps it will fly as well like the Piranhas in Piranha 2: The Spawning. Also guess what you guys? Oh my god. A second snake thing just showed up. This is like, Piranhaconda vs. Piranhaconda. How can one movie contain so much awesomeness?

- The movie within the movie just ran out of money and had to shut down. Unfortunately the same fate did not befall the actual movie. I'm already regretting doing this. Hopefully Mrs. W wakes up and makes me stop watching soon.

- That same mexican Rachel Hunter gang just took the hot mean girl, the sexy main lead dude guy, his semi-aisan racked out girlfriend, some weird hippie, and the movie's director hostage. Again, with the plan to hold them hostage. What is this, Venezuela?

- Sexy guy and hippie escaped because the hippy had some kind of gigantic bang popper thing. Like you know, the thing you had when you were kids that you'd throw on the ground and it would make a small bang sound and you'd laugh and do it again and it was all fun and games until one of your friends decided he'd be a bad ass and snap one with his teeth and then he ended up in the hospital. Like that.

- Ugly racked out chick (not kidnapped, just galavanting about the woods with her pasty boyfriend) goes with "I am sweating like a pound puppy." That's either a brilliant line or the dumbest thing ever uttered, and I can't decide which.

- God this is horrible.

- If you're wondering what the explanation for what this creature is and/or how a hybrid of an anaconda and piranha came to be in Hawaii with nobody knowing, well, I'm waiting too. They haven't even attempted to give us anything (although smart money is always on a genetic experiment gone wrong). Really though, at this point the creature could be a bear or a pteradactyl - there's nothing piranhaconda specific about it.

- Mexican gang dude, "This isn't just a giant snake. It's like an unholy combination of a piranha and an anaconda." Rachel Hunter, "You mean a piranhaconda." This is surreal.

- This entire kidnapping subplot is one of the worst subplots in one of these shitty movies, and that's saying something. And what happened to that handsome leading man guy and his buddy the hippie with the fireworks? Come on, hurry up and end already.

- Leading man guy's semi-hot semi-asian girlfriend just went with the "fake seduce the guard guy and then when he's all excited knee him in the balls and run away" gambit. Brilliant. That was like pearl harbor all over again, but now she's being chased down on some other gang dude who is wearing a skeletor mask for some reason. I'm serious.

- Semi-hot asian girlfriend stumbled into the anacondaronda's nest of eggs while running from skeletor. Then she fell down. Skeletor called her a bitch and said she's going to die as he raised his machete. Then the snake ate him, but didn't bother to chase after the girl, who ran right back to the gang dudes. Still no word from handsome guy.

- Mr. Blonde says the piranhaconda is the most dangerous predator known to man, although it's clearly not known to man at all, despite the fact that Mr. Blonde has been hunting it for 20 years. He's clearly a terrible hunter.

- Oh, there's Mr. leading man guy, who just broke some dude's neck doing that Steven Seagal type of thing. Only we didn't actually see it, just heard it, since dude apparently doesn't quite have the acting chops to pull off "killing someone."

- Big ole firefight between the good guys and bad guys where nobody hits anybody else and the bad guys can't even be bothered to hit the van the good guys are hiding behind. Everyone escapes except Rachel Hunter, who is eaten by the snake. Shame.

- I can't believe Michael Madsen is in this. My god the shame he must feel.

- The last remaining Mexican gang dude just shoot the snake with a rocket launcher. It flinched slightly.

- Good guys van just ran out of gas. Naturally.

- Hold on there's like 10 mexican gang guys left. God damn this is going to go on forever.

- I don't think I mentioned this but that ugly big-boobed chick and her pasty boyfriend found a cool beach to chill at but then he got eaten by the snake and she didn't know it and that was like 40 minutes ago and I forgot about her but there she is. I completely forgot she existed. Great job by this movie of developing characters I care about, which should be easy with the giant rack.

- She just found the nest. But in soviet russia, nest finds you. BOOM, eaten. But not before she smashing a bunch of eggs, apparently just because she was being bitchy.

- The four still alive good guys - handsome guy, handsome's guy's semi-hot girlfriend, Mr. Blonde, and the hot and bitchy chick, just made their way to Mr. Blonde's fancy science guy boat, and the other three suddenly realized Mr. Blonde had a piranhaconda egg with him the whole time and that's why they were after him, just like what happened in Jurassic Park III. Also Mr. Blonde just called the thing, "a species unknown to mankind" like 20 minutes after he said it was "one of the most dangerous species known to man kind." Well which is it, dickfor? Or is this like the whole flammable/inflammable thing? Or regardless/irregardless?

- FYI - guns do not appear to work on the piranhaconda.

- And hottie mchotpants is no more.

- Mr. Blonde somehow doubled back, with the egg what that handsome guy and his gal were going to return to the snake nest, and now he's booking it out of there and I'm not sure how this happened but that asian broad is with him and seems ok with the whole "let's get out of here with this egg" plan even though her boyfriend is still back there. Given her past history of tricking that guy by making him horny and then kneeing him in the balls, I'd say she probably Effs over Mr. Blonde somewhere right around here.

- Yep, she just ganked the egg out of his cute little satchel. Then a lot of stuff happened and ened up with her pushing him into the river, him getting eaten, and her taking off with the egg. I don't know why she has the egg when she could just dump it in the river and let the stupid snake have it.

- That guy and that girl blew the snake's head off. So the end. That was truly awful. I hate myself right now.