If the Padres were a person, they’d look a lot like a guy who lost a fight with a bus.

Their bones would be shattered. Their skin would be bruised. They’d be coughing up blood after yet another fetid start to their season.

Normally, you’d give somebody in this condition over to a doctor, or at the very least a bed. The Padres aren’t getting a doctor today, though. They’re getting a Rottweiler.

The mighty Detroit Tigers are in town, and you can already see them drooling. If things don’t change dramatically for San Diego (3-6), this bad situation is going to skip right past worse and settle on horrific.

Yes, it’s baseball, where one game is .62 percent of the season. But should the Pads drop to six games below .500 by the end of this series? Well, you’ve seen Groundhog Day. You know how it’d turn out.

What stat do you want to start with? The Padres’ offense? Sure.

Through nine games Thursday, they were 14th in the National League in batting average (.209), 14th in runs (20), and 14th in on-base percentage (.261). That’s the good news. The bad news is that they’re dead last in the NL in home runs (4), dead last in slugging percentage (.304), and dead last in OPS .(565).

We know that the Padres haven’t been hitters for a while. We know that they haven’t had someone bat .300 since Brian Giles did it in 2008. But did we think it was going to look like chopsticks swinging at houseflies – where Will Venable is hitting .194, Yonder Alonso .171 and Chase Headley .125? It’s like doing a remake of "Gigli" but making it even worse.

People talk all the time about “an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object.” But what about an unstoppable force meeting a plastic bag outside of Ralph’s? That’s a little like what’s going to happen when the Tigers take the field at Petco Park – some of the best pitching in baseball vs. nine built-in outs.

What stat do you want to start with?

How about Rick Porcello, the Tigers’ starting pitcher Friday? Kid was 13-8 last year with 142 strikeouts in 177 innings, and in his 2014 debut last week, gave up one run in 6.2 innings.

But he’s just an appetizer for the weekend’s two-course meal.

The first entrée comes Saturday, when Justin Verlander takes the hill for Detroit. Verlander won the Cy Young in 2011, led the American League in strikeouts in three of the past five years and has K’d at least 217 hitters in each of those seasons.

The second entrée comes Sunday, when Max Scherzer gets the start. Scherzer won the Cy Young last year, led the American League in WHIP and racked up 240 strikeouts in 214.2 innings.

Those guys will cure a slump the way a right hook will cure a shiner. So just how are the Padres viewing them?

“It’s the big leagues,” Headley said. “You expect to see good pitching. There’s no feeling sorry for ourselves.”

“”It doesn’t matter who you play,” closer Huston Street added. “Whether you play on the moon or under water, you have to expect to win, and I think that’s where this team is going.”

Oh, it matters who you play. It matters when the Tigers (5-2) are the favorites to win the American League pennant and boast baseball’s best hitter in Miguel Cabrera. But Street knows that. Just like he has to know that losing their fourth straight series to start the season would send the Padres into a hole as damning psychologically as it is statistically.

No series in April makes or breaks a baseball team. The Padres, however, have a history of stomping out any spark of optimism before the first All-Star ballot is even passed out.

The Tigers are in town, yes. But it’s the Padres who must change their stripes.