El Superblog Fantastico de Erica

After a loooong break due to work and school, I give you readers a tale of woe, misery and dry heaving.....the Tale of E and the Friend Date.

E was not dating much (#dying alone) so when she was asked on a friend date, she was overjoyed. Not only was the date referred to as a "date"in the asking, it involved dinner and then concert tickets. Legit. He forked out yo.

E was a bit wary as it was approximately a billion degrees outside in the Texas summer heat, but she figured she could try to rock that dewy glow. Or whatever....every other female there would be dripping in sweat too so no one would have room to judge. She still bought a cute outfit and was ready at the door on time for a fun night out. As she and her date zipped away he leaned over her and reached to roll down her window. She was puzzled. "I don't need the window down, but thanks!" she said. And Mr. Date gave an ominous reply " The air conditioner on my car is broken, but it's fine. I'm used to the heat." E urgently shrieked "But we can take my car!!! Please!! We're only a few blocks away and it's HOT!!" Mr. Date smiled. "No. I want to drive my car. It's fine with the windows down." But it wasn't. Clearly he was very concerned for her comfort. (Editor's note: This tale is narrated by Vincent Price in case that wasn't clear)

They arrived to the dinner/concert location. She was already covered in sweat and feeling ill. They walked to a food festival a bit down the road with tons of local restaurants selling their best menu items. He had already paid their entry to the festival. Yummy! But alas.....he did not intend to fork out for purchasing any food. He thought it was all free with entry. She tried to look for free samples and cheaper items. E offered to pay for their food, but received a gruff "No I already PAID, we can find something!" in reply. Eventually he bought them each an item and they sat to eat. E needed a break. She was about to start dry heaving from heat exhaustion and it was only 90 minutes in to the date. She said "Mr. Date, I need to use the restroom, back in a minute!" and she headed to the public restrooms about 20 feet from where they were sitting. She gave her self a "You can do this, you won't die from one date" pep talk in the bathroom. No water fountains. Ugh. She washed her hands and blotted her face. So sweaty!!! Why did she even try!!Why buy a new outfit for a friggin friend? And she looked like a drowned rat at this point from the sweating!!

She took a deep breath and walked out. Mr. Date was not in their seats. Odd. She began to walk to their "spot" only to hear "HEY" from behind her. He had waited at the bathroom door. Her skin began to crawl. Maybe that would be gentlemanly to some but it felt like there was no escaping him even for a moment. The bathroom was literally feet from their table, In sight. Shudder. It was all becoming a bit weird now too. Maybe she was going crazy from the heat. Maybe it was the opposite of stockholm syndrome. Maybe her heat stroke was making her view an innocent man as her evil captor. Who knows? The heat does things to your mind.

They began to head over to the concert. E was wilting. The 100+ degree heat was melting her. And she has just eaten some food but with no drink. She mentioned to Mr. Date," I am dying for a cold drink. It's super hot out!" He told her buying drinks was a waste of money. They continued walking to the concert when he stopped her and said" I hope you don't mind sitting on grass." She was puzzled. " You told me we had lawn seats so I am fine with it." "NO" he said. "I mean actually sitting on the grass. I left the blanket in the car and I don't want to go get it." E's smile froze. That lawn was famous for being inundated with puke and beer on a nightly basis. "Mr. Date, I don't really want to sit on that grass if the blanket is here. I can wait for you to go get it." "Well then, WE can go get it." And so E psyched herself up for 30 more minutes of walking in the Saharan heat. When they reached the car he opened the trunk only to exclaim in delight " Look! I found some water bottles I forgot I had! It may be hot but now I don't have to buy us anything!" E looked on in horror. "But but....that water is HOT!" "It's fine and it's free" he said. They walked back. By now her feet were beginning to blister from the heat of all the walking on pavement, burning and melting through her sandals. Owwwie!!

They entered the concert and he quickly guided her past all of the vendors hawking cold drinks and food. Heaven forbid she get a cold drink that night! They sat. She began to pray the sun would go down so she could cool off. Mr. Date chugged his hot water, She opened hers to give it a try. NOPE. Gag reflex blocked the attempt. It was not gonna happen or it would come back out.

The concert started. The opening act was great. Mr. Date took off his shoes. She kicked off her sandals. He moved his legs in to sit with them crossed and started to "Oh NO...What the.....No No No....Don't gag! Don't gag" PICK THE DEAD SKIN CHUNKS OFF THE BOTTOM OF HIS FEET. She looked away. She swallowed deeply a few times to try to get control. She thought about running away. Nope he'd follow her if she tried a bathroom excuse. Could she just run and call someone? Maybe she could talk to him like a personal date coach and say "Mr. Date, that is a level of unacceptable that I never thought I would encounter. When you take a woman out you need to not groom your feet. OK? " Nope. She couldn't even. She didn't know how to say "Gross Dude" and remain friends. So she sucked it up. She tried to focus on the concert, but he started to try to reach for her hand. She shuffled farther away on the blanket. He lay down in a different position and casually reached again. She was basically off the blanket at this point. This poor guy did not have a clue.

The sun set and a night full of stars came into view. The temperature came down mercifully. Other couples on dates began to enter after the first act and the women all looked fresh and lovely and had beautiful wavy locks that were in stark contrast to E's wet rat look. She tried to fluff her mangled sweaty hair, but finally gave up. She was sure she was a super stunner. Perfect.

As the temp continued to decrease E was feeling more herself again. They stood for the main act of the concert with the rest of the crowd. Suddenly two men began running through the crowd behind E and Mr. Date. A thief maybe? .......and a security guard. The thief was running at top speed downhill and bumped into them from behind. The thief turned and ran off at a different angle down the hill. Mr. Date and E started to turn to see what had hit them when the security guard still running in their direction lost his balance. To keep upright and to change direction to the thief's new path, the guard sucker punched E right in the bicep. She looked at him in shock as he ran off without even a word. Other people in the crowd looked at her with big eyes and open mouths. " I just got punched!" E said. "I can't believe he sucker punched me!" "I know!" Mr. Date said, "I got bumped around!" E's shocked face changed into her what the heck is wrong with you face. "But.....I got punched." "I know" he repeated. "Those guys just smashed into all of us in the crowd." E was now pretty much disgusted. She was about to run after them on her own behalf to demand an apology. (Editor's note: This is the point where E's dad says she should have asked for a cold drink.....for her arm)

She stood there stunned for the rest of the concert cradling her arm. They drove home. He wanted to use her bathroom. Of course. She let him use Slim K's. He would not freaking leave. He tried to make a move on her again and her puppy SpazMila attacked in her puppy way. She growled and tried to jump into mommy's arms for a hug. When a 65 pound fluff jumps at her mom to protect her, it pretty much seems like as assassination attempt regardless. And finally Mr. Date left. And E sighed with relief. And vowed never ever ever to go on a friend date again. Like ever.

After a productive year of weight loss, E had recently began chunking out due to some health problems. Bummer. After a month or two of contemplating the best way to get in better shape, E went for a fun night out with Slim K at a local roller rink. Despite skates that were like homeless men's shoes affixed with dental wire to broken grocery cart wheels that veer to one side, E and K burnt up that rink with their smooth moves.

E thought to herself at the end of the night. My! I sure do like skating alot. And it's way more fun than running or using the elliptical. I wonder how awesome I could be at skating if I actually had real roller skates and practiced?

Visions of herself in derby gear floated through her head. Like Ellen Page in Whip It, she would race through the streets of her neighborhood, gaining confidence and skill. She would then be so awesome she would be spotted at a local rink and invited to join Lone Star Assassins or the Dead Kennedys where she would kick A and take names elbowing lesser skaters aside, bodies flying into beer can towers and fans in lawn chairs. Ahh. It would ROCK!!!

E carefully perused ebay for skates she could afford and eagerly awaited them in the mail. They arrived on a work day and on the first day she had off work, she had evening plans. DARN!!! But....E really wanted to try out the awesome skates. She guessed it would have to wait.

If only E had kept to this resolve.

On arriving home at 11pm.....E loving greeted her giant chihuahua shepherd, RoxMonster. She walked further into her house and saw her lovely new skates gleaming on the floor. What a thing of beauty!! Those skates NEEDED to be used. She sat on her couch and RoxMonster looked at her with pleading soft brown puppy eyes. Mommy- pweeese walk me!!!

In that instant an ingenious plan developed in E's twisted brain. It was too brilliant! E should take an inaugural skate while walking RoxMonster through her badly lit neighborhood!!!

She strapped the black and red demon skates to her unknowing feet and grabbed a leash. RoxMonster approached her and sniffed at the weird creatures attacking mommy's feet. Alien invaders!!!! E convinced the monster it was OK to proceed with the aliens and they went out the front door. E wobbled as she tried to hold RoxMonster back from the initial lunge out the door. E stepped down out of the house and turned to put the key in the lock. Finally, she turned and faced her future. She was gonna burn this neighborhood UP.

Crap. The sidewalk away from the house was all downhill and covered with mini-twigs and dirt. No problem. E just needed to get rolling. Get her groove on. RoxMonster hesitated by her side. E realized she needed to have room for her skates to push off so she shooed the monster into a trot and took off. Literally.

As E contemplated the night sky from her position on her back under a tree she saw some brilliant stars gleaming despite the city lights. Her legs felt bent in all crazy directions. She thought she felt a root sticking into her shoulder. RoxMonster quickly took advantage of the situation to climb slowly atop the heap of limbs. Her nose majestically pointed in the air, she howled her victory over the woman-hill, channeling her inner wolf-child, and letting the neighborhood dogs know she was on top. After a few moments of victory, the monster was apparently disturbed by the moaning and silent weeping interrupting her wolf-glory. RoxMonster began to bat her mommy in the face with her nose and slurped inquisitively at her cheek. Was she alive? It was hard to tell.

E used her hands to bring each skewed leg back into alignment and slowly arose. She wobbled her way back into the house, walking on the skate brakes. RoxMonster trailed behind on her leash, looking back longingly at the neighborhood, denied her victory tour.

E sat slowly on the couch, realized her tailbone was smooshed, she had scrapes everywhere, and her ankles and knees of steel had, for the the first time in her life, been minorly twisted or sprained. What the H? How could her brilliant plan have gone wrong?

It was a mystery. One that she would have ample time to solve while stuck on her couch with her tailbone making its previously faith-based existence insistently known.

Poor Sleepy E. She had been working a looong shift and needed to go to help with an education class at work again the next afternoon at lunchtime. Which would allow Poor Sleepy E only 3 hours sleep max before heading out into the world to work again. The Agony!!! But alas Sleepy E's mad computer skillz had made her sign up to be an expert in new technology at her job.

As Sleepy E drove up to the Tower of Edumacation, she felt lightheaded and extremely nauseous beyond the normal. To the point that she considered getting back in her car and driving back home to have a therapeutic barf. But no. She pressed onward and arrived in the PC classroom with so many computers and new techie devices. The head teacher was so excited to see Sleepy E's arrival to help out with the class that she, a stranger, gave Sleepy E a bear hug, startling her further awake. We-eird.

Sleepy E helped to pass out all the new techie devices and handouts and saw a few friends from work that attended the class. They were all eagerly anticipating the start of class. And as it began, they learned that this was maybe not a class they should have anticipated, but dreaded. Due to the new technology you ask?? Oh no. Due to the fact that a man that was functionally illiterate/blind was in the class and could not do even one thing to follow instructions as apparently he could only see the device as a blob in his hand. As for clicking on words and making selections.....did I mention the device was just a blobby?

As the class reviewed the one series of actions they had to perform with the device to leave the class, he lay his head down on the desk with his face approximately an inch from the instructions and attempted to see the words to no avail. Sleepy E talked him through each step and was horrified as she thought to herself "What on earth does this man do at work if he literally cannot see ANYTHING?? How does he read medications, know policies, or SHUDDER.....start IV's?!?!"

All of Sleepy E's coworkers needed to stay for a 2nd part of the class that this poor man did not need. But he had to finish his practice exercise and then take a test. Yup. An online test. And they wouldn't start the second half of class until he had finished and left the room. And so Sleepy E's coworkers started to grow beards and curly fingernails as they waited in vain for this man to finish. FOREVER. But then finally the miracle of miracles happened and he was done. Hooray!

By this point poor Sleepy E was feeling so sick and awful she considered dragging a trash can around with her in case she puked. This class needed to end. STAT. Haha...a little hospital humor....I digress...Anyways, the 2nd half was about to start. And so Sleepy E handed out more equipment and sat down to wait and see if anyone needed help. But one of those moments in life, so precious and so few, was about to occur to make every agonizing moment of Sleepy E's day worthwhile.

The people in the second section of the class needed to learn some new technology for creating......Breastmilk Labels. Yes, that's right world. Breastmilk is now a friggin drug and healthcare workers need to get up in the middle of the night(for them) to take classes on label making.

Now reader......sitting next to the blind man, was a spicy older Latina nurse, now alone at her computer station for this second half. Very vocal in not understanding new technologeez. Very prone to hitting bizarre places on her screen and then screeching for help. She was absolutely sure that instead of just hitting CANCEL when reaching the wrong screen she instead needed both Sleepy E and the teacher to both come look at her scanner personally and tell her YES HIT CANCEL. Every time. And stall the class further.

So as they started the 2nd half, Sleepy E was sure it would lead to more shouts of "Just Hit CANCEL!!! For the Love!!!" The teacher began the class. 1st action.

"Click on the picture of a baby bottle. 2nd action. Scan your baby's patient ID band. This will bring up a ID screen which you read and click OK to confirm ID info for your patient. Just to be helpful the screen is Pink for Baby Girls. Blue for Baby Boys. Also class there is a Yellow Screen you may see if a baby is born with undetermined anatomy. "

At which point Latina nurse stops struggling with clicking on her scanner and looks directly at the teacher with a serious look on her face. " That is for the Baybeez Gay. "

Teacher bites her lip and says "If you say so" and continues with the Scanner instructions as if nothing was said. A better woman that Sleepy E. Taking the higher ground of just letting it go.

Meanwhile Sleepy E and a coworker turn to each other and mouth " Baybeez Gay?" And then try to hide their tears and shaking. Then Sleepy E tries to imagine how a labor and delivery would go where the baby is declared with a bad accent "Dees es un how do you say...Baybee Gay" immediately on exit of womb.

Does the baby come out with a He-ey! instead of a squeal? Does the baby's skin rash up on hospital blankies and demand Egyptian cotton with a higher thread count? Does assumed straight girl baby throw up on only the pink blankies and thus come out? Oh the possibilities are as endless as they are offensive.

And in that bright shining moment of unexpectedly offensive commentary, Sleepy E knew coming to class that day WAS worth it!!!

So ........I went to a speed dating activity tonight. I know what you are thinking to yourself now. Erica- why do you need to speed date when you are so fabulous? Erica-how did you fight off all the men who didn't want to leave your scintillating conversation? Erica- how do you decide who to date and who to let down after such a horde of men are introduced to you???

Friends- I write this blog to answer all your burning questions.

1. Erica why do you need to speed date when you are so fabulous?

My fabulous lifestyle lately has left me with no time to meet any fabulous men. I also watch millionaire matchmaker and wondered if I could stand up to the competition of a roomful of women. I believe Patty would be proud me. I looked good and only talked about fun things and avoided awkward questions or depressing topics when able.

Why these same men can't just talk to people at dances when they are obviously not dancing either is a mystery to me but if speed dating is what it takes, so be it.

2. Erica how do you fight off all the men who don't want to leave your scintillating conversation?

First we are assuming it's not just me talking. I could talk forever as we all know. I was however limited to four minutes. Fortunately there were many amazing conversationalists besides myself and you are about to reap the benefits of conversational tidbits heard around the room.

After a warning NOT to ask stupid questions like "what animal would you be?" in the dating intro......

What inner animal are you? I am half hawk and half zebra. (Which half is which? is my question)

Do you believe in love at first sight?(Not now)

Did you know I drove all the way from Waco to do this?(my dad's comment- so you had to get away from where the locals knew your MO?)

A lady asks...So what do you do? I'm a carpenter.....like my older brother(said with gravity and reverence)

Do you like children?(no I'm a pediatric nurse because I hate kids)

You're a pediatric icu nurse? How do you feel when babies die? (Like I should have taken my lunch before their vitals started crashing....it makes me sad too duh!!!) I heard that one multiple times if you can believe it.

And then this gem.....

So what do you do?I'm a pediatric cardiac nurse. Oh.....my heart is in the medical field and I got into nursing school but I never went.Really, why?Well no offense, but my mom told me I was smart enough to be a doctor.Oh...so you're a doctor?No I'm a software engineer. I had my first son and decided to drop out. (CRICKETS).......So you DO know that there are reasons to be a nurse and not a doctor that have nothing to do with brains. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be a doctor if you were smart enough.I wanted to care for people instead of diagnosing people and walking away.I only changed my mind because the schooling took too long. I'd still like to tell people what's wrong with them. (stifling sarcastic comment/laughter) Well I just want to take care of sick people so that's why I'm a nurse. AND SCENE

3. Erica how do you decide who to date and who to let down after such a horde of men are introduced to you?

It's actually pretty easy. First we eliminate like the first 10 men I talked to because they were over 50 and were supposed to be in a different dating circle but when no women showed in the bad weather they told them to join the young circle. WHAAATTTT??!!! And they did. In a long line starting with me and my friends and wasting an hour of hour time talking to men with grandchildren. AND yet they still would visibly cross us off their dating list as certain points in the conversation. I was all GRAMPS I WAS NEVER AN OPTION!!! But I digress. Then we finally get to the men in their 40's divorced with grown children. After talking to gramps these seemed more like an option. But they were figuring out their careers still or wanted us women to have exotic and interesting hobbies and then made faces at them like our hobbies were not up to par......and when asked their hobbies said spending time with my kids. Really? Your only interest? We'll have that in common then.

Oh, one told me he was disappointed I was so young and didn't play sports regularly. Ewwwwwwww.

Then we move on to the men my own age.....oh no wait. .....we don't. They never made it around the circle to us. SO we still don"t know any men our own age or even close. FAB. What a productive way to spend my time.

So if we count all the men who I talked to charmingly and asked for my number at the end we come to a grand total of ZERO. And my other friends ZERO. The Zebra/Hawk asked to Facebook us all which totally does not count.

And I forgot my favorite Hot Pink Super Huge Bowl at the activity in my haste to get the %$$% out of Dodge by that point. Poo. I loved that bowl.

As of Friday I am officially on a "for reals" big girl diet. The first real diet in my life. I don't count the sabotage diet used while living with my grandma to avoid being stuffed like a turkey.

I am scared. I am much more well adjusted today than the two previous days. I thought at many points I was gonna die. I wasn't hungry so much as lightheaded and headachey. I am sure my body was withdrawing from chocolate or pasta. Today I am much better. I also went to a potluck where I kind of had no choice but to cheat a little just cause I had nothing to eat. I didn't have dessert though so that was something. I don't think anyone even brought an item that didn't have cream of mushroom soup in it in some way. Except the desserts.

Some of you may be asking yourself.....dude.....why can't you just start eating better- dieting is unrealistic. My counterpoint- I tried eating better consciously and I lost like 2 pounds in a month. And probably gained it all back again with one pasta breakdown. I want to lose a significant amount of weight and 1 or 2 pounds a month just ain't gonna do it.

Plus I figured that if I join a center and have some accountability I will be more likely to succeed. I also like the idea of having some easy food ready to go instead of doing all the grocery shopping. And I am treating this like something I better get my money out of and that I will treat like a prescription for health. I follow medical instructions for pills and stuff. Why can't I treat this like a prescription? I spend time and effort on so many dumb things. I have decided to use my time and money to get my body more fit and healthy. I feel like I am always getting sick. I want to see if losing weight has any effect on that too.

Part of the plan is to stay with a counselor for a full year learning how to maintain your weight when you incorporate all the normal foods back into your diet after you've lost the weight. I guess there will still be someone there to make sure I don't go hog wild. I don't think I will. I maintained my weight just fine before. Until Nursing. And endless drive through and cafeteria food.

So anyways. This is my official announcement. Me on a diet. Weird. Be mean to me if I even consider cheating. You have my permission.

Welcome dear friends and sit yourself down in a nice comfy folding metal chair. Today is the first and only class in the course you recently signed up for through our studios ....."Pouting your way through film : a study of the acting style of Kristen Stewart

Normally, I'd say grab a drink and snack but in all reality- "not eating" is key and this won't take very long.

Throughout the early 2000's primarily the world began to see the styling of an acting genius named Kristen Stewart. From her uncredited role as "ring toss girl" in The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, to her roles in Catch That Kid, Zathura, or What Just Happened? she took Hollywood by storm with the subtlety and mystery in her acting. "Was she just acting?" some experts would question as they watched her films. Ohhhh was she.

As a privileged child with a screenwriter mother and a producer father you would think she had been exposed to training.

As these quotes demonstrate, she has put much of herself into her characters.

On the subject of working in smaller indie movies she had this thought "It's your movie and you can do anything you want, and nobody's going to have anything to say." Indeed, you do leave them speechless with your talent my dear.

"Acting is such a personal thing, which is weird because at the same time it's not." With this quote K shows how her acting both demonstrates that SHE is NOT the character but at the same time.....who IS the character?? Who IS anyone really. She then said "You should have the opportunity to be more than one person with different people - because you have that within you" Inner potential for multiple personalities......or for acting all the time with everyone- hard to tell which prospect I find more pleasant.

"I don't want to make movies for kids, and I don't want to make movies for adults either." The wise critic asks herself- are Kristen's movies really FOR anyone?

She has been pursued by paparazzi and asked many questions but in her view"Really, I'm incredibly disjointed and not candid. Just in general, my thoughts tend to come out in little spurts that don't necessarily connect." I just knew some of her lines were meant to be in a stream of consciousness.

And for those of you who thought the acting was joy enough.....she has plans to conquer the world with her writing. "I mean, I definitely will always do what I've been doing. I've also started taking a lot of pictures, and they help the writing. The pictures help the writing. I mean, I want to make books. I want to take pictures and then write all over the pictures. And then I don't have to say a complete story, because I have the picture, and I have just a word." Apparently these will be children's books or coffee table graffiti books? Maybe a new genre entirely.

Ahh the gems of knowledge we have learned from our esteemed K. Stewart. But you all came her not just to learn the theory but the practice of Kristen.

Let us begin.

1. Moisturize the lips. Carmex, vaseline, lip smackers...it matters not which one. But they need to be in pouting shape. No peelies or crackies!

2. Those pearly whites must be in evidence. I mean HUGE. If you cannot see the front teeth at all times, from any camera angle how will you emote??? No one wants to see tears or forehead crinkles....what the eye is drawn to in any emotional scene is the slight glare off the front teeth and how you use your lips to display them.

3. Now you must choose how to emphasize the lip/tooth connection. You may bite the lip at center to be coy or torn apart, bite to one side to show confusion or shyness. You may pull the full lower lip up to partially cover the teeth while mouth still slightly gapes open to annoyance.

4. If there is to be a kissing scene you shall lick your lips at the approach and then bite them. Even if this is an unwanted kiss, you will still show how pouty and inviting and moist your lips are.

5. These rules also apply to child actors. It is never too early to start the lip biting.

6. NEVER smile. You lose all credibility as an actor. No character in any movie is truly happy anyways. If you smile it looks like you're too connected to the part and not busy being half personal and half distant.

7. Having sloppy hair cut to fall over your eyes is essential. You can bite your lip all you want but if it is not followed by a toss of the locks, what have you really expressed?

8. Don't open you eyes too wide. Having a deadened stare or even better....a vacant one shows depth and history.

9. The tone of your voice should be deep and low. If the amount of emotion you need to display calls for loud shouting and or screaming which will fall into a womanly or girly tone....then only be as loud as you can in a low tone. No valley girl or breathless sighs. Of course if the director absolutely forces you to scream...say if you're having a bad dream that seems like an acid trip where your voice comes out of Nearly Headless Ed's head....then you can scream but you must follow it up with some manly grunts of reassurance that you're fine back in the low tones again. If a word is meant to be shouted, you can emote it in a lower tone successfully by repeating it many times over and over. Instead of NOOOOOO!!!! deeply intone No No No and shake your locks a few times for emphasis. Then say No No No again. More lock shaking. And repeat until someone says cut. The police have told me this is super effective and what most women do when they need to fight off attackers. A low no is the way to go. Catchy right?

10. I can't emphasize to you enough how tasty your lips are and how much you can't stop chewing on them.

I hope you have learned today class and opened your minds. Maybe you too can play Joan Jett or Bella Swan, or any one of various famous 13 yr old emo boys with the skills you have learned today. Your range is as unlimited as your talent.

Best Wishes.

The Staff of the KS Acting Studio

PS- Don't forget to take a poster of the star herself for inspiration.