John Gottman's 4 Essential Rules for a Happy Marriage

John Gottman, Ph.D., cofounder of the Gottman Institute, conducted one of the most comprehensive ongoing studies of married couples ever. After observing thousands of couples' typical daily interactions at the Institute, and then following up over time to see who stayed together (or split up), Gottman learned to predict exactly which behaviors almost always lead to divorce. Here are the four rules he strongly advises all people follow to avoid conflict in a marriage:

"Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint! The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack: It is an attack on your partner at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his or her whole being when you criticize." For example, you can say "I really needed your help fixing the sink," instead of "You never do what you say you will!"

2. Don't be contemptuous.

"When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean, treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless." The take-away: Don't speak in a mocking tone or roll your eyes. It's only going to make him resent you.

3. Don't make excuses.

"Being defensive will escalate the situation—avoiding it will help de-escalate the situation. When we feel accused unjustly, we fish for excuses so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don't take them seriously, trying to get them to buy something that they don't believe, that we are blowing them off." Instead of saying "Well, I would have gotten you a birthday gift if you ever did anything for me!" Try, "I know that it upset you that I forgot your birthday, and I'm sorry about that. My intention wasn't to hurt you; I just totally forgot."

4. Don't shut down.

"'Stonewalling' creates distance between you and your partner. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction. In other words, stonewalling is when one person shuts down and closes himself/herself off from the other. It is a lack of responsiveness to your partner. Rather than confronting the issues (which tend to accumulate) with our partner, we make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors." This not only gives him the impression you don't care but prevents you from solving issues together (which requires active participation from both of you).