UPDATE: apparently there are two endings for this movie. Sounds like the second one would be more satisfying. (Thank you for the thorough breakdown, The Ringer) My grade still stands though. I dislike watching idiots for an hour and a half.

Nutshell: Web is the very definition of a sophomore slump. A great premise gets bogged down by characters that make the term idiotic sound like a compliment. Pity, because a film about people getting sucked into the more unsavory aspects of the internet has real promise. This one has nothing but stupid people doing stupid things. Grade: D-

“Poor schmuck never made it to 69.”
[That’s the type of humor in this film y’all.]

Story: Some guy takes a computer from a coffeehouse’s lost and found because he needs a new one. Hey, that computer has been “sitting there for a couple of weeks”. I’m sure that simply plugging it in and using it will be A-OK. Why wipe it? Hey, Skype a few of your friends in while you’re at it! And then check out all those hidden files. And do even more stupid-ass stuff. When does he die?

Genre I’d put it in: Movies Where You Want To Reach Through The Screen And Slap The Characters

Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Volume Two of the inevitable Unfriendedfranchise.

Gotta say: I don’t want to spend any more time on this movie than I’ve already wasted, so here’s the quick ‘n dirty. I’m not even going to get into character names because with this film it doesn’t matter; it’s just so mind-numbingly stupid that if you decide to eshew my valiant attempt to save you the pain and see this film, you won’t give a shit either.

Why stupid? Okay. The guy who stole the laptop is a programmer. So is his friend in London. And his other dudefriend is a rabid Mel-Gibson-In-Conspiracy-Theory nutter. These three discuss all the ways the internet can screw with you, and know (or should know) how things work in terms of internet connections, ISP, VPN, yada yada. Their cool music theory major friend is forgiven her lack of knowledge, but as a millennial she should have a basic grasp…ah who cares. She’s Asian and as the Token Minority, she’s dead before you know it. Which is a shame, because her character seemed really cool, for the twelve seconds of character introduction this film provides.

Then there’s the newly engaged couple. They’re the usual adorable twosome, and both women are absolutely gorgeous and talented as hell. In fact, it feels like these two fell into this movie by accident; not only are these two performers more nuanced and believable, but their characters are the only ones who seem concerned about what’s going on. (These two, and the Token Minority. May she rest in peace.)

Okay, one thing I liked about this film? I do have one. The computer-stealer’s girlfriend is deaf, and there’s a wrench in their relationship because the guy doesn’t seem to want to learn sign language. He’s all about making a voice transcription app so she can understand him, but he’s all about the booty, less about the ASL. The idea of using sign language instead of speech when someone’s hijacked your computer is fantastic. But as with everything else here, it’s a brief bit of brilliance that’s sloppily shoehorned in-between spoooooooky.

Moral of the film: don’t steal other people’s shit. Oh, and the internet can be shady. But you already knew that. I just saved you an hour and a half of frustration. You’re welcome.