Someone
you love has been murdered or was killed by a drunk or reckless
driver. It is an understatement to say that your life has been
changed. The feeling of loss and pain are deep and it will take
a great deal of hard work and time to heal. You may never feel
as if you have "recovered" however, many people that
have been in your situation learn to "manage their grief".
You will need the determination and often the support of a caring
listener.

The
feelings you experience are likely to be very difficult and foreign
to you. Most likely they will be similar to what others have felt.

This information
was provided by counselors from Polk County Victim Services who
work with survivors and with help from people who have lived through
the loss of a loved-one. [Return To Top]

THE MOST COMMON FEELINGS OF GRIEF

SHOCK
& TURMOIL

In
the beginning mst people feel a profound numbness. Some liken
it to being in a "fog". It may be this fog that allows
you to accomplish the necessary arrangements for the funeral and
other duties.

When
the fog clears, most people's emotions fall into turmoil. You
may have flashbacks of the moment you were notified of the death,
or the last time you saw your loved one alive. You may dream of
your loved one, or believe he or she will soon "walk through
that door". Part of you will deny that your loved one really
is dead.

You
may experience many grief spasms at first, crying as if you could
not help it. The spasms gradually will come farther apart. You
may have panic attacks or feel afraid for your life or the lives
of other family members. You may be filled with energy or restlessness
and be unable to concentrate on anything. You may be unable to
sleep at night or find it very hard to get out of bed in the morning.

As
the reality of death sinks in, depression usually is not far behind.
Things you enjoy may seem to lose their meaning to you. Activities
that you once enjoyed may now seem like a burden. You may feel
as if there is little point in going on, or you may want to withdraw
from everyone.

During
all of these emotions and phases, you need to keep talking with
someone you can trust and with someone who will listen with a
non-judgmental mind-set. Talking is only one way we know to keep
from getting stuck in one of the phases.[Return To Top]

SEARCHING FOR UNDERSTANDING

You will probably experience a great need to understand why this
tragedy happened. in your search for understanding you may feel
the need to find out everything there is to know about what happened,
where it happened and who did it. If someone is arrested, you
may want to know as much as you can about the person.

You
may expect the criminal justice system to work more quickly.

Rumors
and opinions of many people may come your way concerning the motivation,
and the criminal. You may decide to attend the trial, if it is
part of your search for why this happened. Oftentimes you will
not get answers to all of your questions. (If a
survivor is a witness at the trial, he or she may be barred from
attending the remainder of the trial, if the witnesses are sequestered.
You can ask the County Attorney for information on this.)[Return To Top]

GUILT

Each
survivor lives with what-ifs. "Why did I let her
go home alone?" - "What if I had been there with him?"
This is a normal reaction. Please remember no one can predict
the future or recreate what might have been. We cannot change
the events that took place and to continue blaming ourselves will
only be counter-productive.[Return
To Top]

ANGER

Anger
can be both frightening and motivating. Sometimes it may feel
that it will overwhelm you. It may be directed at the murderer,
society or the criminal justice system, family members, friends.
It is not uncommon to be angry at God. Many people feel guilty
about their anger but it is a completely normal feeling that many
people experience.

Anger
may immobilize you or move you to relentless activity. it is a
nasty reaction to severe loss. your anger will never completely
go away. With support your anger can be managed and may even contribute
to help take back some control in your life.[Return To Top]

REVENGE

For the first time in their lives, many survivors find themselves
thinking about how to kill another human being, the killer. Understandably,
some people are very disturbed by this emotion. You may wonder
if you are losing your mind but you aren't. You are normal. Counselors
of survivors find that almost everyone they work with thinks about
revenge. Having these feelings does not mean you are going to
act on them.

Some
people will tell you that wanting revenge is unhealthy and that
the est way to find peace is to forgive. If forgiveness is in
your heart, fine, but do not allow people to place unnecessary
guilt on you. Chances are they haven't been through what you are
experiencing. [Return To Top]

COPING WITH THE REACTIONS OF OTHERS

Each of
us is an individual. We like different foods, wear different
clothes and choose unique lifestyles. It stands to reason
that at the most painful time in our lives we would grieve
in our own way. how we choose to grieve is determined by three
things: Our personal view of death, how society views death
and our individual personalities.[Return To Top]

FAMILY

When a
homicide happens to a family, you might expect it to pull
them closer together. this is not always true. It is not unusual
for counselors to see people separate, both physically and
emotionally. At this time, communication is very important.
Work hard to express your feelings within the family and work
with supportive friends.[Return
To Top]

FRIENDS
When you hurt, you turn to people who have always been there,
your friends. Where are they a month, six months or a year
after the murder? Often times they have gone back to their
lives, but you still need to talk.

If you bring up the homicide, some people
will change the subject. Many do not want to listen to the
details of the tragedy, even though survivors need to talk
about details. People often can't bring themselves to talk
about the homicide. They may feel they do not have the words
to say or the ability to help. They may feel hopelessly inadequate.
the loss of your loved one will leave them with a stark reality:
If it happened to you, it can happen to them.

You may notice that people you have known
for years avoid you on the street or in a store. Your co-workers
may avert their eyes and "not see you." They have
no idea that this feels like rejection and only adds to your
grief.

You can
face this problem in various ways. You can write these friends
or stop seeing them. You can continue contact but avoid the
subject you need to discuss. You can raise the issue directly
with your friends, which might encourage you to deal openly
and honestly with each other. you can add to your circle of
friends, other people who have lost loved ones or who are
willing to share your experience. Many people are ready to
respond when they understand how important it is to talk with
you about the experience rather than avoid it.[Return To Top]

COPING
WITH HOLIDAYS

Holidays can be very difficult. They usually are an accumulation
of traditions and customs created by families to be shared
with family members. When one of the family is no longer there
to share a cherished tradition, the holiday can become a painful
reminder instead of a time of joy.

The first time you celebrate a holiday after
a death, it may become a routine that Holiday gifts that were
once ripped open immediately may sit for days. thanksgiving
is hollow. ("What do I have to be thankful for?")
New Year's Day and birthdays, which celebrate another year
of life, become reminders of death.

You may
find the need to develop new traditions. For some, a trip
but holiday time is beneficial. A birthday can be observed
by donating to a charity organization or doing something that
is meaningful to you. there is no chart to follow on how to
"get through" a holiday. You will grieve. Allow
yourself to do so. It is a key part in the healing process.[Return To Top]

COPING WITH THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM

Most victims are new to the workings of the
criminal justice system. As you progress through various stages,
you may "become angry and frustrated". Your impressions
of the justice system are false. People naturally want justice
done swiftly so that they can heal from that part of the trauma.
The criminal justice system often seems to prolong people's
grief.

For
example, you may find that justice does not always prevail.
Some of the guilty are released on procedural grounds. many
homicide cases are not solved or do not result in convictions,
even if the identity of the offender is known. Sometimes,
the only ones serving a "life sentence" are the
victim and his or her loved ones. Cases may drag on and on.
Many cases never go to trial or it may take years for a conviction.
If there is a conviction, it likely will be appealed. A small
fraction of cases find their way back to court for another
trial.

Those
who administer our laws - law officers, prosecutors and judges
must deal every day with the most brutal crimes. Sometimes
they build up protective barriers that come across to victims
as insensitivity.

To help you through this ordeal, seek out
supportive friends, counselors and advocates.

Remember
too, that various State's laws gives survivors of homicide
victims certain information about pending cases, and other
assistance.[Return To Top]

EPILOGUE

The rest of your life is the epilogue. The widow of a homicide
victim says, "My life has been permanently changed. I
don't know who I am anymore." A common reaction for most
homicide survivors.

Your life has changed. You will see things
differently now. You may not want to watch violence portrayed
on television. You may have to struggle with stronger prejudices
for the rest of your life. you may feel irritated by "little
things" in life. incidents that once seemed to be a catastrophe
will appear to be minor aggravations because you have already
survived the worst.
Your faith may be shaken. You may find it impossible to trust
strangers or feel that laws you thought were designed to protect
you are really designed to protect criminals. you may wonder
if the victim has any rights.

Most survivors
slowly heal. Meaning comes back into their daily activities.
They find people to stand by them and give them support. Some
find time for activities they never experienced before. Most
find joy in the treasured memories of their loved ones. Many
join others who want to carry on the vigil for those who have
died as a result of violence.[Return To Top]