I just realized how meaningless my life is

I won't kill myself, that's for sure. I'm safe. But as now it's holidays, partly blessing partly curse, I - again - realized that I'm actually doing nothing. At least nothing of importance. Nothing one would write into their biography or something. Although I wanted to do sports over the holidays so that I would maybe get a better mark next term I couldn't go out yesterday and today. Or I just didn't do so. There's a constant pain in my tummy and I have a headache. I know that sports would be good now, but I just can't get myself away from my little hippo. I've been knitting for the last three days straight. Just a few minutes ago I've finished the last part I need, and now I would only need to stuff and sew it together. But I kinda don't feel like doing anything anymore... I'm tired since I haven't slept much lately. I've been listening to too many creepypastas. I don't like the silence when I'm knitting, so I put my mp3-player besides me and let it play creepypastas, since I can't concentrate on knitting when listening to music (I would probably end up singing all the time ^^'). I just came from A to L in this list of alphabetically ordered horrorstories. But I'm thrilled enough to see monsters in every dark corner. Usually it doesn't get too near to me when I listen to it over day. But as soon as the sun begins to set I can't listen to it anymore. I've been listening to these stories until 9 pm, which was about half an hour ago. It's almost completely dark now. I just turned it off because I felt I wouldn't stand that much longer... Anyway, I feel awkward and I feel like my life it one single big loss of sense.

Hi Cooki i am sorry you are not feeling so well. It is good you have your knitting to do It helps sometimes i used to knit but lost that ability
You may feel you life is meaningless but it isn't Just saying hi to someone brings meaning to life you brought that other person some connection
hugs to you

Cooki, if I recall correctly, you are 14 years old. I understand that you want your life to have meaning. You have plenty of time to accomplish that. Try and discover what you are really interested in, get involved in that area, and you will bring a lot of meaning to life. In the meantime you might consider using your love of knitting to help others. Check with a local hospital or retirement center or homeless shelter to see if they would be interested in making your hippos available to clients. There is nothing like a big hug from something soft and cuddly to improve a persons day. And they would know that your hippos were made with love.

I actually hate knitting '^^ It takes so long to finish something.... But I think I'll give my knitted elefant and hippo to my grandma... She loved that elefantcreature when I finished it at her house because I didn't have filling ^^ the hippo looks a bit more awkward than the elefant though. The head got too small and the body too big ^^'
I know that I still have a lot of time to bring meanin to my life.. But I feel like I won't be able to. For me, my boyfriend was kind of an example. He's clever and stuff. But he didn't make it through the a-levels because the school suddenly realized that he had gotten a bad mark the year before the a-levels (yep, for us every test one has between 11th and 13th grade will end up being important for letting you do the a-levels or not. So you litterally can't have a good average anymore because the exams theirselves can only make it worse but not better. Our school system is crap -.-) so they - after he had had all the exams and even had the best result in the tests - said that he wasn't allowed to have the a-levels because he had that one bad mark before. Awesome news. I probably won't make it through the a-levels as well, I mean, my grade is again a "let's try to make it even harder"-project. Usually, the first half of 11th grade doesn't count to the a-levels, but for us it will..... Yaaaay. Anyway, what I wanted to say by this, I feel like I won't be able to get a good job because of our awesome school system and such. I don't know what I like, I actually only like animals (most of all dogs) but there are no jobs with dogs that are paid quite enough. And I don't want to end up getting less money than the people who don't work (yep, happens actually quite often that people who work get paid less than unemployed ones. But they get stocked to the level of unemployed people by the government. Which doesn't make it better I think ^^). Something else I like quite much is IT and chemistry, but I don't know what useful job one can do with IT.... A boy in my class had his internship at an institute and he coded programs...... How useful.... Not.