Category: adult life

Wow, I almost forgot that this blog even exists. Even more, I forgot how therapeutic writing is. I have to say that in this day and age blogging should have never been replaced with vlogging (don’t worry, I know there are still plenty bloggers out there). There’s nothing quite like writing every single thought that comes to mind. *cue evil laugh.*

Okay enough random laughing at nothing and no one.

Let’s get to the nitty gritty of it.

If you’ve followed my blog posts (hey, I don’t blame you if you have no idea what I’m referring to), you would know that I was a college student. That’s right, PAST TENSE! You’re looking at a member of the class of 2018 right here!

Now after all that excitement dissipated–along with the mounds and mounds of graduation cake I was consuming the following 2 weeks–I was crunching numbers. You know as well that I do of the financial horrors that exist to walk across that stage to receive that one piece of paper. And man, that number never gets easier to look at.

I just came back from a backpacking trip in Asia (more on that later!), and my wallet has never felt so light.

Thankfully, I secured a job before I graduated, but I don’t start until a few more months. Now I’m left to figure out how to get from here to there.

If you’re a recent college grad as well, I just want to say that I 100% feel your pain. I was never good with money so these next few years are really going to test my willpower with these student loans payments and credit card payments.

While I’m on the never-ending job hunt for a temporary job, I have also found a cool video on a new budgeting system I’m trying out. It’s inspired by Dave Ramsey, and if anyone is interested, I can write a blog post about that cash envelope system as well as the budgeting system I’ll be using from here on out.

It’s crazy to think that we have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to become educated. And I mean the adult world “educated.” The educated that only means something if you’ve invested time and money into the institution.

It only makes matters worse that a bachelor’s degree is supposedly becoming as useless as a high school diploma. I found that mind-boggling the first time someone said that to me. You’re telling me that I’m paying for a degree that is becoming value-less?

Being that this past week was spring break, I did two things that I don’t normally do over the course of the school year:

Sleep. Now this one is a little obvious because every chance I get, be it a school night or not, i try to sleep or, at the very least, take a nap. But (I’m sure every college student knows what I’m saying) I slept for an ungodly amount of time–I kid you not, it had to be over 12 hours some days. And I felt no regret.

Think. Being that I am an extrovert, there are deep, dark places in my mind that are only explored when I am alone. This past week happened to be one of those times. While I longed to be sipping a pina colada by the beach, I was lying in my bed just thinking about my life and what I could be doing.

Ever purchased something and, looking at your bank statement later, wondered why you even bought it in the first place? Don’t you ever wonder what that money could be going toward?

Well that was what I was doing, but it was worse: I was contemplating every big decision of my entire life. It felt like I was doing the opposite of adult-ing. I just questioned EVERYTHING. What was I doing? Why was I doing it? Who was I doing it for? I mean, I was really thinking about these questions… like I wasn’t sure who I was anymore.

I don’t know whether it was more scary to think that I am a whole new person or that I never knew who I was to begin with. Hmm.

There are those days when you just feel like everything is going right in the world.

This is not one of those days.

In fact, it is exactly the opposite. Today was one of those days when you want to so badly be yourself–which for me is the talkative girl always smiling on campus. You see, today I felt defeated. Although I can be moody on a daily basis, fluctuating from extremely happy to upset in a couple of minutes, today I simply felt especially gloomy.

But the topic I am about to delve into is a pretty gloomy issue already: job hunting. Those two words can bring anyone to a painful standstill as they search tirelessly on career boards and newpaper ads for a posting that aligns with their qualifications and experience. As a business school student, job postings are common to find on our career board. However, over the thousands of students applying to that one job posting, who is to say that one student is not more qualified than you?

And that is exactly my problem. After applying day in and day out to many programs and internships, I feel that I have hit a sour patch. I woke up this morning to a “Thank you for applying, but we cannot interview you at this time” type of e-mail, and throughout the day I received two more, stating, in similar terms, that I will not be interviewed for the job. Yes, THREE were able to dampen my mood instantaneously. It’s not as if I have never received a rejection letter before, but damn if that didn’t take a toll on my day.

The real question is: how can I prevent myself from feeling discouraged?

Growth is a funny thing, isn’t it? And I’m not talking about it in the physical sense (although it’s not too funny when it comes to waist size growing), but rather the mentality that we have when we see ourselves progressively get better.

Something that always strikes me is when my thoughts drift to times when I feel that I am outgrowing people. As a college student, it’s so easy for that to happen. There are mainly two types of people in college from my perspective: the people who intend to make college about the party lifestyle and the people who are constantly worried about what comes after college.

Could you guess which category I would fall under?

If you guessed the latter, then I guess the five blog posts I’ve already posted has uptight written all over it.

Truth be told, I am terrified of what is happening. Constant questions that always surround me include “What can I do to make my resume better?” “What happens after this?” and the ever common question among college students across the nation:”Will I ever pay off my student loans?”

However, I don’t want to be stuck in the uncertainty stage later in my life, wondering if I did everything I wanted to before settling down. And sometimes that’s what my roommates are constantly telling me. Let loose. Don’t worry. Live a little.

I can’t help but think that I’m too old for this. Too worried about my future and too invested in myself to let loose. Now if you’re rolling your eyes at me, trust me, so am I. Because what possibly can a 19-year-old college student be so worried about? The constant pressure to party and then the overwhelming stress to get ahead for school is like an uncontrollable car crash happening right before my eyes. They don’t go together.

I think I’ve outgrown my peers, and I have to accept it. If they challenge my decision to focus on my future, then perhaps they aren’t the people I should be around anyway.

A lot has been weighing on my mind as of recently, and I’m not exactly sure how to go about it. Is college supposed to be about finding yourself? I mean I thought I did a great job on doing that in high school; looking back on it, I’m realizing how different a year truly makes.

1. Outgrowing friends. In high school, I found my clique. Attending an all-girls school, I was so relieved to have found a group of girls with the same mindset as me. We spent our four years together in a close-knit group, and I was so positive this would continue in college. Now a year has passed since high school graduation, and I can’t help but feel weary. An entire summer has passed, and I have yet to see a few friends in my group. Granted, we are a slightly bigger clique than most, but I can’t help but feel like I am distancing myself away from them. A year of college has truly felt like a lifetime, and I can’t believe how different everything seems to be. No longer am I the bubbly, naive girl with no care in the world for what other people thought of me. Rather, I have marched into the adult world: a world full of business suits and briefcases and internships. Surprisingly, I have realized that my confidence has diminished tenfold. I have no idea how that happened as most people would assume the opposite effect to take place. My theory is that being in a private school really limited my reality. I was sheltered and oblivious… not to say that everyone who goes to private school is like that. Being me, I most likely refused to see past what I already knew.

2. Miracles. My father got into a minor fender bender today. The damage wasn’t too bad, but it was enough for the bumper to shift from its usual position. My dad only suffered from minor back discomfort, but I can’t help but worry that it could have been so much worse. Yesterday, I was driving my dad’s car all day, and in retrospect, it is so odd that an accident was all I was thinking about as I was driving his car. I was imagining the scenarios if I were to end up in an accident. the thought of that truly scares me. I am truly in awe of how God works in our lives. All I know is that He was really thinking of me today.

3. Where is my empathy?

Tonight, I went out with one of my best friends from high school. We went to the drive through Checkers in my home city. For y’all who live in urban neighborhoods, you have probably experienced the a good extent of the poverty happening in your city right in front of you. That being said, it was not a surprise to see a woman there who was going from car to car, asking for money. My first instinct was to tell my friend to roll up her window as fast as she could, as if the woman was planning to grab my friend and hurt her. As the woman approached the car window, my friend promised the woman that we would give her change when we went up to the fast food window. Unbeknownst to the homeless woman, I paid with my card. No, I didn’t intentionally do this-I really didn’t have cash-but it was starting to make me feel more and more crappy about myself. As soon as we got our food, my friend pulled out of the drive through. We loudly heard the cashier yelling to us that I did not take my card back. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I ran out of the car and to the window. I grabbed my card, and seeing the homeless woman run toward me in my peripheral vision, I sprinted back to my friend’s car and shut the door with a sense of urgency.

Right now, I only have one image in my mind. I remember her face when I turned around to stare at her through the back window of the car. She was smiling, but her eyes told me she knew. She knew that I, like a lot of other people, had preconceived notions about her and people who were in a similar position. She knew that by running, I put myself in a weak mentality of acting like I was superior to her. Acting as if she did not deserve my time. Acting as if she was crazy. And suddenly I felt ashamed. Heat passed through me because I was humiliated by my actions. I really acted as if she had a contagious disease, and suddenly I was wondering what happened to me?! How could I want to change the world and reduce the poverty in the streets when I was SCARED of those who were living the reality of it. And anyone can argue that it is impossible for me to give money to every single homeless person I see, but the truth is that I cannot stand for a cause if I do not push myself to make someone else’s life a little bit easier.

Really. I am going to attempt to give back. Just because I want to enter the business sector does not mean that I have to conform to the stereotype of a hard ass business woman who gives no care for the world around her. After all, if there is one this I want to prove to people, it is this: Hell yeah, I’m a woman, and I want to change the world. And I need to start with the way I talk and act in front of others who have nothing to offer me right this minute. Because God works in mysterious ways. No good deed goes unrewarded or unseen.