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2 months in…what’s been bad

1. It hurts. The breast and underarm always hurt. I know it’s probably in my head, my surgeon and many survivors have said its in my head. I want it to stop hurting. Not because it’s unbearable pain (it’s not, just a twinge) but because it’s a constant reminder of the disease inside me.

2. Waiting. I just want it out if me. I want it staged. I want to know my treatment plan. 2 months feels like a long time to know I have cancer and have nothing done about it it. Surgery is arched upend for exactly one month after the official diagnosis, another long time. It’s for the best…I’ve enjoyed this time and Zoë’s bat mitzvah is tomorrow and I’m happy to be feeling good. But the waiting is still hard.

3. Losing my “healthy” status. Yesterday at work we learned about sickle cell anemia. I don’t have this, and I’m lucky for that because it is a lifelong condition they can cause a lot of pain and other complications. But hearing about the precautions it’s sufferers must take sounded a lot like some of my own. It was a reminder that I no longer get to go through life with a cut just being a cut, a fever just being a fever, etc. Right now and likely for years to come, everything will feel like cancer. My assumption that I am a person without cancer is gone and may not be back for a long long time. I also have to get used to spending a lot of time with doctors and in hospitals, needing time off work. When I’m treated and my immunity is down, every little illness or injury will be a big deal. I hate that I’ll have to live like this. I want to be a healthy person who assumes I’ll stay that way again! I’m not sure I ever will.

(also, my health card has taken the spot of honour from my bank card in my wallet!!)

Bonus good thing (I cannot resist): I knew I might have cancer when I ziplined. It’s why I did it!! I doubt I would have been able to make myself otherwise!! I would have trekked, but stayed away from the big zipline!!