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Friday, June 17, 2011

What’s behind door Number One and Great Expectations!

This is the part of the journey where it gets a little tricky. Where things get a little complicated. Where everything I want to share with the world are the same things I wish to keep private.

I think it’s important to open up, reach out and share what I am feeling and how I am finding the strength to move forward.

I used to sit and wonder (okay maybe cry, scream and beg) why is this happening to me? What is the reason for all this pain? Why me? Why would God do this to me? What possible reason could ever be acceptable?

And through writing…exploring through words my anger, sadness, fears and hopes. I started to find a way to release the pain.

And then I started to share my journey. And something more amazing happened; I started to connect to others.

And I think I found the reason.

Connection…I think that is the reason.

To connect with others and hopefully, possible help someone who is facing the same things I am.

Could that be the reason I’ve had to go through what I am going through? I have been known to say that the reason usually sucks or that there really isn’t a good reason. But throughout this journey I have started thinking of the purpose. What is the purpose? What am I supposed to do?

So maybe my purpose, the reason I have been going through all of this is to reach out and connect with others on a different level.

A level of understanding.

But it gets tricky.

I am going to be a mom someday and someday my child will be able to read. I want what I share with the world to be exactly what I am ready to share with my child and not a moment before.

So for now all I am going to say is that:

Yes. Yes, I am in a cycle.

Last we knew I was on a list for donor embryos, on a list for donor eggs and preparing to do an IUI cycle with Dr. Period. Dr. Period by the way turned into Dr. Quack, well more like Dr. Bumbles. Just like the Wizard of Oz, he was nothing more than an average man behind a curtain.

Which bring me to my decision…I decided that I would take whatever came first…whatever was behind door Number One I would do without question…

Whether it turns out to be donor embryos, donor eggs or my long awaited cycle with Dr. Bumbles …that is what I will do!

And that is what I did. I took what was behind door Number One and I now am scared and nervous and so afraid of striking out again.

I am afraid to talk about…I fear jinxing it.

And most of all I am afraid to let my expectations get too high.

I am afraid of great expectations…

The greater the expectation…the greater fall.

Because really when a contestant does pick door Number One you know they are expecting to win something amazing…wouldn’t it just suck if it was only a toaster!

9 comments:

Michaela, praying that Door Number One brings great joy to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to email if you want to talk and not put something on the blog. I can be good at keeping secrets.

Wow, how exciting! I hope Door Number One meets all your expectations and more. Best wishes to you. Of course I am curious to know more but totally understand and respect your concern about your child's protection.

Michaela, I have been reading your blog for most of the last year. Our fertility journey as a SMC has been eerily parallel and I too am at the point of considering donor egg or donor embryo or yet another IUI cycle. And I too took door # 1 and am in the hopeful tww. I just wanted to write to say thank you for writing your hopes and dreams, frustration and sadness. You are a wonderful writer and you have captured my sentiments exactly and it makes me feel not so alone in all of this. I hope door #1 is the answer to our dreams. Thank you for sharing!

That's great you are in a cycle. I understand the fear of "will this work"...it's so hard to be hopeful and then have things not work out. Wishing you good calm thoughts and not too much insanity through this process...xo

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About Me

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” ~ Shel Silverstein
Contact me at asinglejourney@ymail.com