If you know that feeling, I want to let you in on a little secret: confidence is NOT the starting point. It is part of a cycle. But waiting for confidence will be a long wait — it may never come. Unless you decide to take action, follow the cycle, and get to the point of confidence.

So, what are the steps toward confidence? Listen to learn the “confidence cycle,” and why NOT to wait for it to get started!

You want to save your marriage. Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it. That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.

And so, I often have the question asked, “Should we separate? Will a separation save my marriage?”

Can a separation save a marriage?

Short answer: yes, it can.

Longer answer: a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely. And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction.

Fairly recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced. In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce.

I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage. It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help.

But here is the thing: if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution. And yes, you can find “fans” of separation. There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage.

Those people are ignoring the statistics.

They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict.

In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic — so that you understand that. I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort. Listen below for help with separation.

No tingles, no butterflies, no desires. Is it you? Is it your spouse? Were they ever there?

Those feelings of attraction and romance are not well understood by most people. So, when they aren’t there (or are at least in short supply), many believe it to be an indication that the relationship is wrong, destined for failure, or maybe permanently broken.

There are 5 root causes of why those feelings might be missing. The bad news is that there is nothing you can do about 1. The good news is you have a choice about the other 4.

Learn what happens to those feelings. But more importantly, discover what to do about it.

You have arrived at that point. You know you are not doing all you can and being all you can be. It is time for a change.

Perhaps with hat in hand, you sit down with your spouse and let your spouse know, in your most sincere and concerned voice, that you know you have fallen short. You know you can do better. . . and you promise to change.

What you expected was a spouse who is supportive and hopeful, smiling at you, and proud of your efforts.

What you get, instead, is anger and frustration. Maybe it is the silent treatment. Or maybe it is yelling. Through clenched teeth, you may hear your spouse say, “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.” Or maybe, “We’ll just see about that.”

Why?

You feel shot down. Maybe hopeless. That did not play out the way you thought it would.

I admit I was a magician in my younger years. But I never did much with mental magic (tricks that make you think I am reading your mind). And I never really got into hypnosis (although I do love a good performing hypnotist – nothing like a person barking on stage!).

Which is why it cracks me up when people have accused me of trying to brainwash their spouse.

I used to deny it. Swear that I was doing nothing to brainwash, hypnotize, or manipulate anyone (or their spouse).

But I gave up.

So, today, I have a confession. Yes, guilty as charged, I am trying to brainwash your spouse. But you may just like what I am doing! (Or you may not, if you don’t believe in commitment, growth, security, concern for family — things like that.)

Here is my confession — for anyone and their spouse that is concerned I am “brainwashing.” (And trust me when I tell you that you seriously overestimate my skills on that one!)

In this week’s episode, we turn to how happy couples treat each other differently, as individuals. This is about how they treasure their companion and protect their relationship.

Successful couples see themselves as a team, a unit, a WE (as I call it). But that WE is made up of two individuals. Those two individuals create the strongest WE when they are strong, themselves. When they develop and grow, the bring that growth and energy into the relationship.

More than that, happy couples create and maintain boundaries around their relationship. They protect and treasure the relationship. They support and treasure each other.

Learn how happy couples treat their companionship in this week’s podcast episode.

This week, we start a series on what happy couples do differently than other couples.

Success leaves a trail. Experts have been saying this for decades. If you want to get somewhere, look at people who have gotten there. What do they do differently? How have they managed to get themselves there?

Happy couples are not special. They are no better trained than other couples. They don’t have some special “coupling” gene. They don’t come from better homes. They aren’t “relationship geniuses.”

In fact, they are like all the other couples — except they do some things differently. And those differences result in happy relationships.

So, what are those differences? They are the focus of this series of free audios.

Over the course of the next three podcasts, we will examine 11 things happy couples do differently.

By taking a look at those 11 things, you can see the path. You can see the trail. And you can follow their map.

Decide to learn from the struggles, grow, and build a great relationship.

This series is focused on how couples get to category 3. This is not about “sticking it out,” nor is it about bailing, hoping to find a better option. It is about building a great relationship, where you are and with your spouse.

In this episode, we take a look at 3 ways happy couples deal with conflict differently. Learn their secrets and apply it to your relationship.