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Today’s Column

Break out of your angry shell

I've been married for 27 years to the same "man." Our sex life had never been good, but I loved him dearly (initially). We somehow produced two sons (immaculate conception?) in the mid-80's.

My spouse hasn't completed a sex act with me being present since 1985. We've been to sex and marriage counsellors, and medical doctors (all at my urging) about his lack of libido. No success.

He's reluctant to try any kind of solution. His siblings are gay, and I've always suspected he was too, although he denies this.

He's not earned income for 12 years, and I doubt now that he'll ever "amount to anything." I work full time.

I'm mid-50's, take good care of my appearance and health (although living with him has taken it's toll on my emotional well being). I hesitate to divorce, or even separate, because I have fears. My self-esteem is shot. I want to live my remaining years in joy and love - and with a sexually active partner. Is that possible?

Wit's End

You've blocked possibilities for the future, so far, through fear and bitterness. You've already given up on your spouse, so deal with YOU!

If you stayed for the kids, they're old enough to end that excuse. You could live independently since you are employed. You've lost respect for your husband. Now, part of the emotional toll is coming from you.

He won't seek help, but you must. Probe those fears, and recognize that only you can improve your life and the possibilities ahead.

Meanwhile, drop the gay bashing of putting the word "man" in italics. It's an insult to your sons as well as their father. He's a man, albeit a troubled man for whatever reasons.

After ten years in another field, I pursued higher education in Psychological Counselling. I completed my course work for my Master's degree at the top of my class, but can't secure the required practicum placement. It's difficult to compete with applicants who've already worked in the field.

Meanwhile, my mother was diagnosed with a cancer that is genetic, so I've had genetic testing. The results can take months.

Now I'm constantly thinking of my 50% risk of having the bad gene. The thought of losing my breasts and having to go through premature menopause (the choice I'll make) at the age of 34 is so upsetting.

I'm also the primary caregiver to my very demanding young children, and dealing with a husband who's short-tempered and stressed due to his work pressures. I feel stressed, sad, and anxiety-ridden most of the time.

How can I project confidence, and self-esteem in an interview, when I have none right now? And how can I stop dwelling on my test results while I wait for them?

Terrified

Volunteer. Research through your Master's program where there are placements for volunteering in your field. You won't be doing actual counselling (nor should you when you're so pre-occupied, stressed, anxious and lacking confidence), but you'll be in a door, absorbing the atmosphere, learning practical aspects of counselling work.

Even office work or assisting in some way there, will expose you to clients who are dealing with problems (diverting your attention for periods of time). And it may open up the chance for a placement when your own situation settles.

You need a focus other than the test results, more than you need to push yourself into a job you may not be able to handle well at this time.

I'm the caretaker of a young girl of a wealthy family. She's fallen in love with a man from another wealthy family. These two families are sworn enemies and can't look at each other without it causing a fight.

My young girl asked me to help them marry without her parents' knowledge. If they find out, I will be fired. Should I agree to let them get married or should I inform her parents?

Torn

In your role as "caretaker" you're obliged to report such a major event to her parents. However, it's not clear why she requires a caretaker. If you honestly believe this union will improve her life, and that her parents would be harming her emotionally to prevent it, you can either take the risk of being fired and look the other way, or try to convince her parents why this is so right for their daughter.