Chapter 3 begins with a short Author’s Note, as most of the chapters do, mentioning reviews the author has received. (I’ve read through the reviews, they are a mix of genuine criticism, laughing mockery, and “Is this crap for real?”) She calls one of her reviewers dumb because “of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz!” even though the story makes no mention of her getting dressed or doing anything between the time she leaves Ewdard whining on the floor and the moment she walks into class.

So we once again join our Mary Sue, Dawn. If you will remember, she has just taken 4 sleeping pills. Then she drank an unknown amount of tequila (mmm tequila). And if that were not enough to knock her out cold, she actually takes a blow to the head and is knocked out.

In chapter 2, Dawn awakens to Shannon’s screaming and what I can only imagine is the most mind-numbing headache known to man. She must have had a ton of tequila because she thinks she is having a hangover. At this point, I’m thinking that the Lost passengers really did die and the island is some sort of hell. I’m no doctor, but all the pills and drinking and head injury would probably have killed her. Maybe she’s the Rasputin of this story, or maybe she’s just a Mary Sue.

Welcome back, fellow visitors to the dank and ominously dripping basement of literature!

Those who bothered to read the last installment of the Portal fanfic, ITS MY LIFE! will remember the “gripping” cliffhanger ending. For those who don’t want to fiddle around with all that tedious reading business, here’s the condensed version; our heroine Marissa is on the airless surface of the moon, fighting a false Chell (who is really an android version of Glados, the sentient computer system who sent her to the Moon in the first place) for the shattered (yet still fully-functioning) remains of Wheetly (Marissa’s robot-ball baby-daddy) while an asteroid heads straight for them. I’m hoping the asteroid turns them into a fine incandescent mist, but with fourteen chapters to go after this one, it doesn’t look likely.

Have you ever asked yourself that immortal question posed by George W. Bush: ”Is our children learning?” This fan fic answers this question. The author sets up the story very quickly, forgoing the description characteristic in other fine works of literature such as those by Thomas Hardy and E.M. Forster. This grabs the reader’s attention immediately. Unfortunately it’s more because it’s like watching a train wreck that catches on fire and then gets pissed on by Godzilla.

Last time on Blood of Ancients, our “heros” had just padded out a lot of the first chapter with some aerial stupidity that culminated in crashing into the ocean and nearly sinking to the bottom. Luckily flying physics in the Final Fantasy world are highly suspect, so they were able to extract themselves and complete their journey to Junon. Cid and Shera read a soul crushing letter from Falcon, and decide to follow him to Junon, since they have nothing better to do… like run a space program. Meanwhile our little Falcon (please see the movie The Sword and the Dragon to understand that reference; MST3K tackles that one in Season 6) announces that most likely there are people in Junon who would wish to see his smuggling service put to an end, so he uses fake codes to request a landing. He also uses the actual name of his plane, which isn’t going to send up any red flags at all.

Apart from that, does Tuesday look empty to you? That’s because it is! We at the Library would love to have a few reserve Guest Snarkers on our crew to help fill in the blanks we’re bound to run into every now and then. If you, or someone you know, would like to contribute, please send us a message at literarytravesty@gmail.com OR, if you’re a friend of one of us on Facebook (You’ll know if you are) feel free to contact us that way.

Thanks! And remember…

There is no eating in the library! If I see you with a bag of chips again, you’ll find yourself spending the next Study Hall in the principal’s office!

Welcome back to another riveting chapter from this jewel of Harry Potter goodness. A while ago, I was telling Ghostcat how I didn’t think the story I had was horrible enough to really go on the site with the others, not able to hold water to such works as the abysmal Portal story she was critiquing. After the first few minutes of Chapter 3, however, I realize that this story does have the street cred to roll with the big dogs. Just in pure mechanics, this long-windedly-named chapter gets points for sucktatude.