MIAMI—Emphasizing that he didn’t want to be out of the loop for even a second, local 26-year-old Jason Dawles told reporters Friday that he wishes Live Nation would email him whenever any band was playing anywhere. “If a band is headed to my neighborhood for a show next weekend, or if they’re playing 500 miles away…

CHEDDAR BAY, ME—Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous levels, environmentalists criticized Red Lobster on Wednesday for its part in decimating biscuit populations along Cheddar Bay. “It’s no coincidence that the biscuit population has dropped an alarming 84 percent since Red Lobster was founded in…

BRUSSELS—Hailing the effort as their most promising confectionary-extraction project to date, Godiva executives held a press conference Wednesday to announce that one of their deep-sea rigs had successfully tapped the world’s largest known offshore ganache deposit.

LOS ANGELES—Saying they wanted the editorial staff at online media company Insightable to be creative and really play around with it, representatives from Suncoast Snackfoods reportedly emphasized Monday that, when creating the corporation’s new branded entertainment, the digital publisher should just have fun with…

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.

DEERFIELD, IL—Touting its foundational values of hard work, honesty, and integrity, drugstore giant Walgreens confirmed Wednesday it is proud of its origins as a small business that in today’s economy would absolutely never have been able to get off the ground. “Here at Walgreens, we still live by the same commitment…

SPARTANBURG, SC—Struggling to regain his composure and come to terms with what he had just witnessed, market researcher Nathan Pendersen emerged from a Denny’s focus group Thursday shaken after finding out what Americans really want to eat for breakfast. “I asked them which items they’d like to see on our new…

WASHINGTON—After revelations emerged regarding the online retailer’s cutthroat office environment, Americans across the nation expressed outrage Wednesday that Amazon’s punishing workplace culture had yet to result in same-day shipping for every single available product. “They have 50,000 employees working 85 hours a…

DAVENPORT, IA—Expounding upon the many ways in which they’ve positively impacted the country at large, a tanned and impeccably coiffed Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) reportedly informed supporters gathered at a campaign stop Thursday that corporations actually have a tremendous amount to offer the American people.…

HOUSTON—Stating that any damage would be limited to just a handful of species that somehow managed to survive that long, officials from the Shell Oil Company assured the public Wednesday that most of the Arctic wildlife living near their proposed drilling site will be extinct well before their next oil spill. “After…

MINNETONKA, MN—Saying he’d been expecting the multinational corporation to have to wait a little while longer, David MacLennan, the CEO of U.S.-based agribusiness Cargill, told reporters Friday he was surprised how quickly the money it had just paid out in corporate taxes had circled back around to the company. “Boy,…

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others. Here are the most controversial Super Bowl commercials of all time:

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson.

WASHINGTON—Explaining that his grassroots campaign appeals to a large number of publicly traded firms from a diverse array of industries, political observers confirmed Friday that populist Texas Senate candidate Sean Rogers continues to ride a wave of support from his state’s many underrepresented corporations. “By…

BURLINGTON, VT—Independent entrepreneur Phil Beenes secured yet another low-three-figure business contract for his four-person commercial cleaning proprietorship on the same miniature golf course where he seals most of his biggest deals, Beenes announced Monday. "To me, a few holes at Pizza Putt is a great way to…

The Bush administration designated several large companies, including media giants USA Today and the Associated Press, as small businesses, thus inflating the administration's record for helping small companies. What do you think?