It’s a common scenario: You go the doctor with a health concern. He tells you it’s nothing to worry about and to keep an eye on it. You leave with questions unanswered, feeling dejected. Why is there such a discord in your relationship? Could it be negatively affecting your health and well-being? Find out what’s missing from your doctor-patient relationship. Plus: Are you a hypochondriac?

Why the Dissatisfaction?

Your health is both you and your doctor’s primary concern, yet you each have different ideas on how to achieve it. Doctors and patients come from two different frames of mind. For the doctor, the illness is physiological. For the patient, the illness is not just physical, but also emotional. In medical school, doctors spend years learning about the human body, but spend only a small amount of time being trained in developing a good bedside manner – the way in which a doctor interacts with the patient.

Some doctors are naturally more relatable while others are simply more interested in fixing the medical illness.

But medicine is one part physical, one part emotional – you can’t treat one without acknowledging the other. As patients, we are desperate to close this gap with our doctor. In fact, we often judge them not only on the actual medical care they provide, but on their bedside manner as well.

What Patients Want

Detached. Uncaring. Unemotional. Do these words describe your doctor? As a patient, not only do you want the best medical advice tailored to your individual needs, but you also want a doctor who sees you as a person, not just a walking illness.

More time

You probably spend more time in the waiting room than in your actual appointment. This can be very frustrating, and affects the quality of your visit, and maybe the quality of your health. Unfortunately, in the era of managed care, your doctor must accommodate a large number of patients a day, some needing more attention than you.

Stop talking, start listening

Yes, you want to know what could be wrong with you, but you also want to know that your doctor is really listening and acknowledging your worries. Doctors tend to dominate the discussion and use rapid-fire questioning about symptoms, leaving you little room to express how you feel emotionally.

Empathy

You’re talking to your friend about your health concerns. You mostly want her sympathy and reassurance everything will be OK. Same goes for your doctor. You want a diagnosis, but you also need him or her to understand and anticipate your emotional needs. Sometimes it’s as simple as the doctor sitting down instead of standing up, making eye contact and asking questions about your family or line of work. When a doctor really listens and empathizes, patients heal quicker.

You may also feel judged or ridiculed by a doctor. Dr. Terry Bennett told one patient she was too fat and could die if she didn’t lose weight. The patient thought the comment was insensitive and unprofessional; the doctor needed to be blunt to get his point across. She filed a complaint with the New Hampshire Board of Medicine demanding recourse. It’s unclear if Dr. Bennett’s candidness actually motivated the patient to lose weight, but this case certainly highlighted part of the discord between patient and doctor.

What Doctors Want

As a patient, you’re just as important in this relationship as your doctor is. It’s important not to become a “problem patient” who isn’t honest about or exaggerates symptoms, who wants a quick fix or instant cure, and who demands prescriptions or refuses to follow instructions or finish prescribed treatments. Not only does your doctor have to earn your respect, but you have to earn your doctor’s respect as well, not lose it.

Your honesty and trust

To get the best medical care, your doctor needs you to be candid about your symptoms, medical history and use of other alternative medicine, no matter how embarrassed you may feel. Avoid being melodramatic when describing pain, or your doctor may not believe you and therefore can’t properly treat you. Your doctor also needs you to trust his or her medical expertise, and not to do anything to undermine his or her recommendations. If you’ve done your homework and picked the right doctor, trust their expertise. But don’t be afraid to speak up or get a second opinion if something they say or do doesn’t feel right.

Your doctor wants to be honest with you too, just like the doctor who told his patient she was “too fat.” In this case, the doctor didn’t want to sugarcoat the truth – he wanted to make the greatest impact for change that he thought he could.

Your understanding

Seeing so many patients and managing so many cases a day can mentally exhaust doctors. Doctors also manage very emotionally-trying cases, which can drain their mental and emotional energy. So when you come in with your complaints of a sore throat and cough, your concerns might pale in comparison to what else the doctor has seen that day.

What Else Can You Do as a Patient?

Never settle for a doctor you don’t like, regardless of their credentials. But don’t make snap judgments either. Give yourself enough time to establish a rapport. It can take more than one visit for your doctor to get to know you on a more human level. Since time constraints can affect the quality of the visit, help your doctor by preparing a list of symptoms and questions upfront. Be assertive, but not controlling.

Your body is complex, both physically and emotionally. The better patients can articulate their needs, the better doctor-patient relationships will become.

Are You a Hypochondriac?

Do you run to the doctor every time you have a runny nose? Do you pack your medicine cabinet with so many bottles that you put the pharmacy to shame? While some may find a hypochondriac’s behavior humorous, those who are hypochondriacs have very real fears when it comes to their health. Take this hypochondriac quiz.