2/28/08

This is the halfway point to this disaster. There were some times during the first half where I was feeling rather confident in a successful end to this. However, when I compare the first half of this years lent to last years, I feel like this is a lost cause. All kinds of different shit is happening to me this year that never occurred last year. I don't want to go into detail about the "shit" on here though. It's really unfortunate too, I feel Jesus watching over my shoulder every time I write one of these journals. I wonder if he has the internet. Well fuck, I'm really bumming myself out right now.

2/27/08

Tonight Justin, Andy, and myself went down to Mariucci for two hockey section championship games. Benilde vs. Minnetonka and Burnsville vs. Edina. It was awesome. Both games went into overtime and were really exciting. Benilde beat tonka and Edina beat Burnsiville. The place was a zoo. It took forever to get down there and actually into the game. Most packed non-state game I have ever seen. So needless to say there were a lot of females there. Thats all I am going to say and I'll end on a Dan Frost quote:

2/25/08

Because I'm doing so well with this I started to think I could pretty much quit anything. So I went ahead and tried to quit soda. I drink way too much. That was going well, I stopped on Monday. Before, when I have tried to quit, I would get pretty intense headaches. That didn't happen this time. It was going great, but than Justin's friends, who came up for the weekend, left a bunch of alcohol (awesome!)and mixers. I was sitting around today and I poured myself a cup of coke, not even really realizing it. I was just like, "fuck". Since than I have polished off the rest of the 2 liter.

Its moments like this this that keep me in check on not whacking off. It was a nice wake up call on day twenty.Confidence Meter: 5

2/24/08

I'm too exhausted right now to even think about jerking off. I would probably fall asleep midway through (see 2/10 entry). Hopefully this translates to me getting to bed at a decent hour. I have to hit the job scene hard tomorrow. No time to jerk off.

2/23/08

Smooth sailing for the next couple of days. Justin has a bunch of his buddies from school coming up for a concert or something and they will be spending the night here, in the basement, tonight and tomorrow. As fun as it would be to blare porn at 5 am when I get done with work...I think I'll refrain. Confidence Meter: 7

2/21/08

I think people want to see me fail at this. My friends at least. I don't blame them, seeing that this is pretty much torture for normal males. Last night at Chris' we watched Death Race 2000, a hilarious "satiric" movie from the 70's about a race where people get points for running over people. But there were some obligatory boobies scenes. I mean its just like that vintage shit I mentioned several entries ago, nothing special. Still, someone in my situation shouldn't be sat in front of stuff like that. I mean the porn bloopers are different. Thats on my own time and it was a way for me to let loose a little in this game. 70's big nipple boobies were on Chris' time and he kept looking at me during every nudie scene and shifting his eyebrows all fast and queer like. So, yea, you're a true friend of Jesus if you don't want to see me fail.Confidence Meter: 6

2/20/08

Two weeks in, about five to go, little over a month. Full swing into it now. Still not even half way through though. Oh well. I just watched porno bloopers for about ten minutes because I needed to see some boobies, but not in a complete sexual way. There are some damn funny bloopers out there.

Last night I watched Gone, Baby, Gone. Casey Affleck stars in it and is a bad ass. He is a great actor. What does this have to do with jerking off? ... no, I'm not that gay. It has to deal with jerking off because every time I see Casey Affleck I automatically think of the character he plays in Good Will Hunting, Morgan. His character is damn funny in that movie. So last night when I was watching the movie and was thinking of Morgan, I thought about the scene when Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and that other dude are just sitting around the house and they hear porn sounds and they yell at Morgan and he comes running down all exhausted and says, "Whats up fellas?" Funny scene. Thats all I got.

2/19/08

I'm kind of running out of juice for this diary deal. I feel like the biggest highlight for this would be when/if I blow it and jerk off. I will just say that I'm feeling pretty confident in success lately. I have had no impulses to whack it for awhile. I'm in the zone.

Confidence Meter: 8 (Note that the meter will probably never go over 8 because there is always that chance that I might blow it on an uncontrollable impulse.

2/18/08

I don't have much to say tonight. I was suppose to sub in for one of my brothers friends hockey teams but he never called me. I was really looking forward to that. Now I have all this time. There might be an urge to jerk off but right now there isn't. I might just go to bed.

2/17/08

Day ten is a huge milestone. I'm pretty sure I mentioned that in the last entry so it might seem like I'm dragging on themes, which is true- the overall theme of not jerking off. No, but seriously, saying I haven't jerked off in ten days is impressive. Most healthy males my age cannot say such a thing at this moment, which makes it the first proud* moment of this challenge. More people know that I am doing this again which is a great thing, partly because I posted a ling to here on my lost lj and also because of general lent talk. I strive on the pressure. An audience just escalates the end product. I think I should of held out longer though. I did the same thing about midway last year and it seemed to propel me to the end. My early lack of confidence probably pushed me to go public though. Nonetheless, heres to me, ten days sober (celibate). 36 to go!

Funny related note- I have a calender up in my room and I have been crossing out the days since lent. Andres was over tonight and noticed it and said "I totally used to do that when I was a kid." I said, "Oh yea? You crossed off the days since you last masturbated too?" He didn't see that coming and we both laughed like bastards.

2/15/08

Since I'm the seasoned pro at this master of domain shpeel, I know that this game is about baby steps and Day 10 in a huge baby step. Today is day nine. Almost day ten. Thats how you get through this game. You rip off chunks of ten. I'm feeling good.

2/14/08

Valentine's Day. Nuff said. Maybe not. Valentine's Day might be the one day out of the year when I don't want to jerk off. I'm already lonely enough on this holiday that jerking off just makes it that much more lonelier. I don't want to be a sap or anything but twenty two Valentine's days alone is pretty discouraging. I should change that. Creating a journal like this will help!! Fuck me.

Whatever, like I said, I don't care to relieve myself on this day. Last Valentine's Day I was just starting this whole mess of a challenge and I spent the night by myself watching Marie Antoinette (for those who don't know I have had a thing for Kirsten Dunst since Jumanji- fuck off) and drinking really shitty vodka. Once I saw her bum in that movie I almost lost it. That was a very dismal night. This year is different. I just got done playing a great game of hockey with a lot of the people we used to play with back in the day. That made me really happy because pick up games have been pretty disappointing for the last couple seasons. In addition to that I have late night Wild to watch. One similarity to last year- I shall get a taste. Good Day you fucking dick head of a journal.

2/13/08

So I'm one week into this bad boy. Six more to go. That sounds awful. If the next week is anything like this past week than I might be out of luck. I shaved me balls yesterday. That was a bad idea. Usually they get a treat after that, not this time. Ahhh.

I'm kind of losing hope for this. I keep telling myself to cheat and keep the journal running like nothing happened. This is not good. I promise, right now, that I will not cheat. If I jerk off, thats it, thats the end. I'll announce it here. I don't remember the first week being this tough last year. I figure I had planned on it for so long that I was mentally prepared. This year I kind of just started it. I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I don't think the journal is helping either. It makes me think about it when I don't have to. For instance, tonight at work no one showed up the entire night. I was getting quite bored and was thinking about going into the bathroom and doing the deed. I would have never of thought of doing this a week ago. The game transforms you. Tonight at Chris' we were watching what seemed to be vintage porn clips from the old days. I'm not talking 70's Debby Does Dallas old days. I'm talking film is a new medium- Charlie Chaplin type of porn. It wasn't anything special but it was not what somebody in my condition should have been watching.

I don't know. Maybe I should just get blackout drunk every night for the next forty days. I got shitfaced last night and couldn't remember how I got to bed. That made it easy. Confidence Meter: 2

2/10/08

I just got done working. It is awful out. There might be a colder day in the year technically but I'll say right now that tonight was the most miserable. Every time I had to get out of the car I wanted to kill myself. The legacy is getting really angry at me and needs an oil and fluids change. Soon my baby, soon. It would be nice to rub one out real quick to give me something of pleasure after a few hours of hell. Ahh, but no. Not this early in the game. Not with Tom sleeping on the couch down the hall. I have the lack of sleep on my side right now though. There have been a few times in my life where I almost have fallen asleep in the middle of beating off. "You know whats a fun game?""You take three excedrin pm's and you see if you can jack off before you fall asleep. You always win, thats the best part."Confidence Meter: 5

2/9/08

I'm feeling alright. I'm already losing track of days. This could very well be my day four post. I don't know if losing track of days this early on in the game is a good or bad thing. I sat at work all day doing nothing and didn't think about the challenge once. So overall, a pretty good day. However, the downside of keeping a running diary of this is that even if I'm not thinking about jerking it I eventually will once I realize I haven't journaled. Oh well, have to stay positive. I'm almost through my first weekend.

I find it fitting that I finally start this journal right as I begin my second attempt at that unholiest, but holiest, little thing known as celibacy. Fitting because it is the only sort of idea that I have had in quite some time- to keep a running diary while I try not to jerk off. I lost on technicality during my first attempt at becoming master of my domain during lent last year. I thought Jesus only wanted me to go 40 days and 40 nights (fuck that misleading movie) but he in fact wanted me to go all the way to Easter. This knowledge came straight from the the priest on Sean Moriarty's campus. So I wont argue with it. So without further ado, here goes attempt number 2.

DAY ONE- Originally written at 6:50pm on 02/07/08

Speaking of technicalities, I jerked off at approximately 1:30 am on the morning of Ash Wednesday. I don't know all the details of when exactly lent starts. I assume it does right after you're ashed, but I haven't done that since my Benilde days. So depending how you look at it, I might be out of the running for this already. I would like to think Jesus would give me the benefit of doubt in this scenario, so I will. If he in fact does not, maybe Mike Huckabee should be the man who runs this country... I beat off early that morning because I didn't even realize the season of lent was upon us. Last year I was prepared and was able to get one last glorious session in there. This year I had no such luxury. That might prove to be better though. We'll have to wait and see I guess. Last year I went in with a ton of confidence. This year, not so much. I'll have to cut out some of the tendencies I had last year. For instance, I kept downloading porn last year and would just watch it and not jerk off. I wont do that this year because a.) better outlets for high quality (makes you want to jerk off instantly) type of porn are available for me and b.) I am running low on hard drive space. It helps that I am currently living in a new environment at Justin house and don't have a set routine yet. That will have to wait another couple months I suppose, depending on how well this goes. I'm sure Andrew and Justin will sleep better these next couple of months know this. Part of the plan last year for the MOYD challenge was a desperation attempt to find a girl I could fuck around with. This is a completely legal move in the MOYD game. This did not happen last year and I don't foresee it happening this year either. You never know though, right? Yea I do, it's not happening.

Alright, I'm going to keep a confidence meter throughout this deal. It will be on a scale of 1 to 10. 1- being an impulse a way from pulling my dick out and exploding and 10-sleeping naked after watching hours of porn.