INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a gathering of elite deities – knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon.

“It was crazy,” said Vishnu, the Hindu God. “I’m pretty sure that at one point He had three drinks in His hand. He was already wasted by 8 o’clock.”

With God expected to wake up later this afternoon, the state of Indiana is bracing itself for its worst rainfall in 50 years, prompting fears of mass flooding across the predominantly flat state.

Meanwhile, speculation is mounting over the reasons for God’s recent behavior, with many fearing that the global economic crisis and ongoing conflicts around the world are beginning to take their toll on His Lordship.

In any event, several states across the Midwest have preemptively declared a state of emergency after rumors emerged early this morning that God had also consumed six White Castle “crave cases” during a momentary bout of late night hunger.

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.

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