Dear Nurses: It’s OK to be scared.

It is totally, absolutely, completely, and wholly OK to be really, really, really, really scared.

It’s OK to be scared about going to work.
It’s OK to be scared about getting infected at work.
It’s OK to be scared about not being one of the “minor” cases if you DO get sick.

It’s OK to be scared about being on a ventilator.
It’s OK to be scared about dying.

It is completely normal to be scared about exposing your family to the virus.
It’s normal to be scared – terrified – that you might be the one who gets your husband/wife/partner sick.
Who gets your mother/father/Nana/Pops/beloved elder sick.

Or worse.

It is OK to be at the end of your tether about how to manage being the one who has to work, carry the health insurance, and figure out how to fill the next six open, isolated weeks with your children at home. And support your partner now that they’ve lost their job.

To be overwhelmed by being so frightened at the thought of having to go back to work tonight — but knowing that by doing so, you are the final fragile thread that is keeping your whole family’s life tied together.

It’s OK to be so unbelievably fucking pissed at your hospital. At the for-profit healthcare system we’ve got in this country that allows administration to endorse minimal precautions in an effort to not have to find/purchase/steal/commandeer the PPE that will keep you safe.

It’s OK to be enraged at a country so broken, so politicized, so skewed away from the tenets of basic humanity that we aren’t immediately implementing comprehensive testing, and taking even more radical steps towards mass isolation to ensure most of us make it through this alive.

Because some of us won’t.
Us. Nurses. Doctors. Healthcare workers.
Some of us won’t make it out of this alive.

And it’s OK to grieve.
And grieve hard when it happens.

*

A little more than five years ago, I stood in the “green” zone of my Ebola Treatment Unit in Sierra Leone. I watched over the fence as one of my nurses, one of my ‘national’ nurses, a nurse from Sierra Leone, fighting to save her own country, her own people, was escorted out of the back of an ambulance into the “red” zone, tired and pale and sick, had her blood drawn by her co-workers in full PPE, and was housed in the “Suspected” ward.

I stood there, and I wept. I cried and cried and cried. I couldn’t touch my face to cover my tears, so I just wept openly under a hot, hazy sky.

Gabriel, having left his family safely in northern Sierra Leone to come south to fight for his country as well, was one of our ‘sprayers.’ (They walked with us in the Unit and sprayed everything except the patients with diluted bleach, both before and after we touched it.) He walked up behind me, and stayed precisely three feet away from me.

“Don’t cry, Martha.”

I kept crying. “I am so FUCKING SICK of nurses and doctors dying. I am so FUCKING SICK of this thing killing us.”

“Don’t cry. It will be OK.”

I looked at him, red-faced and swollen and utterly broken. “How do you know? How will it be OK?”

Gabriel paused for a minute, looked at the sun behind the clouds, looked at the big trees covered in red dust outside the walls of the ETU, looked at the walls of the red zone, at the shack behind the “Confirmed” ward where we stacked the bodies of the dead, soaked in chlorine bleach and zipped into bodybags, and soaked in bleach again.

“I don’t know.” He said. But he smiled at me, just a small, comforting smile. “I don’t know how. But it will be OK.”

*

I signed up to be an Ebola nurse.
I chose that path, deliberately, passionately.

You didn’t sign up to be COVID-19 nurse.
You didn’t choose this path.
You didn’t get any choices about this at all.

So.

It’s OK to be scared.
It’s OK to be angry.
It’s OK to be exhausted.
It’s OK to be sad.
It’s OK to grieve.

Find your steps along this path in the way that feels right to you.

Be angry. Scared. Tired. Sad. Terrified.

But never forget that along with all those other feelings, you’re still – and always will be – a nurse.
Never forget the strength and history and legacy that comes with that title.

Even if you don’t feel it, it’s there.

You are more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

And as an Ebola nurse, I’m more proud of all of you than I can ever possibly say.

Jenna, you are doing the right thing by staying inside. Do you have a friend or relative that you can talk to on the phone or online? It’s okay to be scared, just remember to take it one day at a time, and try to do something that is distracting. Try your best to not read or watch too much news or stories about it if it makes your anxiety worse. I prayed for you!

You are so right on about administration they get sick we will take care of them…right now they think They are invincible and…Godlike I guess. We run w 2floor nurse in an er that could fall apart in 5minutes and our corona pts are 1to1so do the math…we R Not Prepared

No we are not prepared! A few weeks ago you could have been written up for not wearing proper PPE, now we are not allowed to wear it!!! What happens when all the docs, nurses & cna’s are sick?? Who will take care of these patients then?

As administration and a nurse at a small group, I have begged, bargained and prayed for PPE for my team. I’m now staying up late sewing surgical masks as something is better than nothing. None of us sleep well at night in the midst of this. We are scared too.

I am not a nurse, my daughter is . I am scared I am so scared for her and all the healthcare workers. She has three children and a husband who love her dearly and large immediate family who love her , I can’t pray enough to keep her safe. SCARED

I understand your fear. I have 6 members of my family who are in the medical field. I have been scared since this thing began and people including them said it won’t be that bad. We got this thing. I knew this country didn’t, our leader has been lying thru his teeth and continue’s to do so. My son is an EMT his wife is a cn and her mother works in a doctors office a nurse. My daugther-in-law and her mother are nurses. I also have a niece who is a lab tech, draws blood. I fear for all of them and pray that they stay clear. I have way to much to lose. My son has 3 kids, my niece also has 3 kids.

So proud of every one of our health care workers on the first line of defense with this virus. May God watch over you all and keep you safe and healthy in the weeks and months to come. We are all so grateful for your services, time, and dedication putting other people’s lives first before yours. We will get through this with love, communities coming together as one, and amazing professionals like you all guiding our way! Sister to an amazing ER doctor

I’m not a nurse, but wanted to say thank you to all of you who are nurses. I’m helping with my elderly parents and don’t know how you all do this on a regular basis, much less in a crisis. You are all my heroes!

Thank you all for all the good you do day I’m and day out. For appearing brave and confidence that all will be ok even though you are totally frightened inside Frightened and scared for your family your husband or wife your kids your parents all those who are special to you in some way and total strangers you are assisting. You are truly Gods angels and are appreciated beyond words . Prayers for all the frontliners

I am preparing to work 36 over the next 3 days. I’m so very scared. I know my hospital is not prepared. I know a surgical mask isn’t going to keep me safe. I pray our Lord protects us. Thank you, everyone.

Praying for ALL of you brave, dedicated health care professionals. In my over 38 yrs. of Nursing, fortunate to have never encountered a contagion as serious as this. Hoping you ALL remain safe & that the dear Lord protects ALL of you & your families’ 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🥴

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Really needed this today. Found out today that a patient I had cared for tested positive for covid19. I’m trying to stay strong and fight for my patients, co-workers and my children.

I’m scared but I know how strong my daughter is.. she amaze me everyday you see she work in the ED of one of most prestigious hospital in the country. She is in the front line!! Funny I worried about her brother wanting to a marine
I never worried about her being a nurse ya sure things happen
Never did I think I would worry for her health from something the we have no control over
Never did I worry if she will be ok I just new it
God please keep my child safe and healthy

I’m not a nurse but I am an X-Ray tech in this coronavirus BS !! It is scary !! I’ve showered 2 times today and washed my hands I don’t even know how many times .. people need to stay inside and away from others !! It’s going to change the way this virus is spreading .. we will be ok .. we will get out of this mess .. do the right thing .. stay safe and god bless

I work prn in outpatient dialysis and worked 3 days this week. Today I said out loud “I’m scared.” And I’m so angry with our government for totally messing this up and putting the nation and us into the disaster. Thanks for this article. Now I don’t feel guilty anymore.

Thank you for this. I am so scared and depress. I don’t know if I will survive or not. I feel like a soldier who has to prepare mentally for the war ahead…. I can’t think of leaving my family my sweet little kids behind me.

Thank you so much , I needed to read this. Today was the first day that my floor converted to a covid floor , I was frightened and overwhelmed coming in, definitely shed a few tears. I am so very grateful to all my wonderful coworkers who are more like family. We will get through this.

I work at the only pharmacy in my area, in a town of 1,500 people, where we are 104 miles from the nearest Walmart, fast food, or mall. The nearest pharmacy to us is an hour drive from here. We are pretty remote. Our town has shut down. Our pharmacy is open. I am fortunately unfortunate. Lucky to still be working, and scared to death. I am both a heart patient and have an autoimmune disorder. I chose to stay working for our sick and elderly. Thank you for this. Know that our pharmacies address in it with you, stay strong my brothers and sisters

This totally was necessary. I work in a cardiology office. And found out that a patient was in with COVID. And I was exposed. Carrying the panic of bringing it home to my grandfather with a suppressed immune system. The possibility. The fear. Is so real. The fact that they won’t test me. Because I don’t have symptoms. The fact that they won’t let us wear face masks at work. Just mind blowing.

Oh Marty for some reason I could not just Face Book
Comment. I agree with all you said. I have been considering returning to my therapy work but just have to wait now. We were going to share birthday wit my neice, 3 yr younger in lovely East Point FL, but all three of my sons from Paris, Chicago and Winter Park FL said please stay home, so we will. Bye and hope you get this? Guess church now shut down. Barbara Slautet

This is by far the best thing I’ve read on the internet all week. You said exactly what I needed to hear. I didn’t realize until now how my feelings have not been validated anywhere. Thank you so much for this. I am scared.

This is the best thing I’ve read on the internet all week. Thank you for validating my feelings. In the midst of all the nasty things on the internet right now, you are a shining light. I am scared. Thank you for acknowledging that and standing with us.

Beautiful and inspirational message that I needed to hear during this difficult time. It is comforting to know that our program (who cares for the elderly) is not the only place that has subpar protection for us nurses. Prayers for all of us who are at the highest risk of contracting COVID19.

So very well written and stated. I’m am a nurse in an Endoscopy unit within a hospital and the powers that be want to cross train is to the ED/ER department which I feel is very much the front lines for this pandemic and do NOT feel comfortable going at all. I am so GRATEFUL to the nurses who choose those areas – ED & ICU (while I never had any lasting interest in either ). I would feel better about it if hospitals would provide the proper PPE and not just there version of what they consider proper PPE – which is to save hospital resources but NOT their staff. I continue to pray for us all in this field from; nurses, techs, radiology, pharmacy (Docs & techs), respiratory, therapists (OT & PT), dietary and housekeeping. May God Bless and Grace is all with His Mercy .

I’m seriously ugly crying right now. While hoarders are out there (one actually bragging in the grocery store about her stash while others of us looked at an almost empty meat section almost afraid to take the last packages) it’s people like nurses who risk not something stupid like toilet paper but their very lives and everything they hold dear for the welfare others. Thank you from all of us! We appreciate you!

I’ll be praying for all fellow nurses along with techs, doctors, EVS, administrators, receptionists, etc. This era is scary. Stay strong, push for the supplies we need, don your PPE and take a deep breath inside that mask. Focus on the tasks at hand instead of “what if’s.” And definitely find a way to relax and blow off steam. Self care is a necessity.

I am scared out of my mind. Scared about walking into rooms without proper PPE, being forced to work when we are sick, worried about unknowingly spreading the virus to other staff, patients, and our families. Scared about taking care of my 81 year old grandma that I know I shouldn’t be around but who else will bathe her once a week?

Thank you for your works of encouragement! I pray we will get through it together.

It’s so scary to get to work norwadays especially that we re working without proper PPE all in the name of not having positive patients on the ward and yet we have patient who are on query??? Is it not better to prevent what you you are not sure of?
We have families that we dont want to spread it to wen we get home please😭
God have mercy!!!

I really needed to feel this connection to admit my pent up fear. With acceptance of my call to duty, tears of release, and dry eyes of courage, I will keep my family safe and still serve our patients. A tall order but we will collectively get through this. We must have faith, calm centeredness, and empathy😷🏥🙌🙏

We all needed this miigwetch for ur message. As frontline essential workers…we r scared. I am a director of health…i began reporting on the coming of something that was going to deplete our resources and test our resiliency. Mother Earth was giving us warning signs. I pray for the contued strength of our nurses. Lack of PPE began back in January…we r stilll waiting for our back orders…protection of our frontline Essential workers is paramount. My prayers and my continued support will not stop. Chi-miigwetch for all ur bravery and steadfastness at this time i am forever indebted to all of u.

Such a heartfelt message empowering all those on the front line to feel free to be scared and allowed to say so without fear or retribution . Some will lose the battle but together we will win the war 🙏🏻
Stay safe.

Thank you. I have been trying so damn hard to put up a brave face, I have been trying to block my emotions and just be totally stoic about this crisis but I have bottled up so much that I am now breaking. This message brought tears to my eyes, thank you for acknowledging what is now a hard and painful reality to a lot us. Thank you for this… thank you. I have nothing but love and support to all of us during this trying time.

The “for profit” hospitals are desperately trying to get the necessary PPE. No one is endorsing “minimal prevention” to save money. This is inaccurate and misleading. I know. I work in healthcare administration and I’m working 12 hours a day 7 days a week making sure we take good care of our patients while keeping staff as safe as possible.

As far as I am concerned this absolutely wrong and unforgivable. I am now retired. I am proud of all my former co workers at one of the best hospitals in Boston. I understand they are also running out of PPE products. Nurses have gone on Facebook to make pleas to the construction workers in the area to donate their equipment!

I am a medsurg nurse and my fellow coworkers, as well as staff for another hospital chain for which I moonlight, was told to only wear surgical (earloop) masks unless the patient was undergoing “aerosol-generating procedures such as bronchoscopy or nebulizer treatments.” We all know cough generates aerosol. But N95 masks are now effectively reserved for pulmonologists and respiratory therapists. We know our supplies are being rationed and it’s not the level of safety other countries are observing.

No, they are endorsing minimal prevention because they cannot get supplies. suddenly the CDC says it’s okay to only wear a mask and gown. Did the virus change suddenly? recommendations were to place patients in a negative pressure room, now they no longer need that if we run out of them? If you look at other countries PPE who are covered head to toe, and people are still dying, what is wrong with the U.S.?

Thank you for your words (and work) Martha. I had to pause halfway through and sob. Still crying, I called my husband to say all these things. I am a nurse. I didn’t sign up for this. I am afraid. I am angry. I am sad. I am loved. I am grateful to be healthy today. I then finished your words. The tears have slowed. I am going to pray for my coworkers, friends, family, and myself. Stay vigilant and well Martha. God bless us all.

I am a mirse, and while I didn’t sign up for this originally, I did sign up for a COVID-19 team. I don’t have children or parents to care for like so many of my fellow hospice nurses and support staff, so it made the most sense. I’m unbelievably fucking terrified! My work is awesome and are doing everything possible to keep us supplied with PPE, but only they can do so much. I’m not ready to die, nore am I ready to see friends/and family die. We know people are going to die, period. There is no way around it. I’m keeping a brave face, and continuing to care for my hospice patients. They may already be terminal, but no one should be terminal and have COVID-19 as well. Your message gave words to my thoughts and feelings. Thank you!

Thank you for this! People look to us to be the calm keepers and I’m doing that. But to be allowed to put voice to our fear is a relief. I will continue to be the voice of reason and keep my fear to myself, knowing others feel the same, and are fighting closer to the front lines than I. They have the right to feel all that, I will stay calm till I get called to the front lines from my surgical office job. Stay safe my fellow nurses! We can and will get through this! Melissa, RN

To all the Marthas and other names, working in care units where they can be infected or be carriers of this virus: I want to thank you all for beiing brave. You are doing your utter most bestest to help those that is infected, sick and or dying. Sometimes without the nessesary medical stuff anyone needs , but still doing your job. Scared to death, praying while you are working selflessly to help the frail and sick
Tending those that you know for sure will not see the next sunrise or sunset while tears pour down your face. Thank you!! May God bless you all and keep the virus away from you all.

While all of this may be true, there is hope. That hope is found in the Lord Jesus Christ. When I feel all of the weight of having to be strong for my family, co-workers, friends, and patients I turn to Him. I cannot do this on my own. His Word gives me strength and comfort, Psalms 23. You too can have this same hope, ask Jesus for forgiveness for your sins (yes, we are sinners) then invite Him into your heart (life) and He will give peace and hope. He (Jesus Christ) is the cure for helplessness and hopelessness. Fight on my fellow co-workers, paramedics, police officers, and front-liners in the health field and service fields.

This means a lot to me right now. i just finished a shift with two patients on life support both positive with covid 19. I am angry, I am terrified. I feel so helpless. Praying that this crisis will end soon or at some point we all gonna be sick too either with covid 19 or with mental issues.

Blessings to all. And thank you for all your comments. I feel sad and disconnected I can no longer touch a hand or give hugs or dry a grieving families eye. It is frustrating to keep a distance when I am a hospice nurse. I apologize often and walk away unfulfilled. Telephone nursing is so impersonal. But everyone seems to understand. It does not pale the deep sadness I feel at being unable to properly and fully serve and still remain safe.

Powerful message and thank you. We are all human first and a nurse second. We all are scared, so scared of this hurting our loved ones while we care for the sick. I can only hope that everyone in Canada is watching whats happening everywhere else and doing there part in flattening the curve.

This was so very well said! Being a novice nurse with a one year only baby and six weeks pregnant I am completely and utterly terrified I will bring it home to my family or fall gravely I’ll to it myself! Lord please take care of all of us angels and everyone else trying to get through this dark time in our lives! We will survive and we will kick CV-19 out the door

Thanks 🙏 we will be OK even though we are scared… For us ER Nurses the most scary thing is not having the proper PPE to care for our patients with this virus…We have families and others we need to care for… just give us proper protective gear…
Or …#NursenotgoinginwithoutPPE

I am scared, I don’t want to go back to work on Wednesday 3/25 . I am an ER nurse and a single mom. I had the flu last week And thankfully have been home for the past 10 days. A luxury . I should be spending more quality time with my boy, I should be looking for other employment , I should be shutting out the world and living in the moment knowing that right now I am safe and well. Instead I am trying not to loose it, I am mindlessly going through the routines of my day using it as comfort and familiarity. I am not ready to die or to hurt my family through exposure. I am so sad and so lost but I thank you for helping to vocalize what I am feeling. There A Little is a comfort in shared fear. Be well.

Loved reading the raw honesty in these posts, we need to express this fear and anger! I believe it’s a time to trust our God in new ways, with our lives, those of our co-workers, our families, friends, neighbors. The peace of God which transends all understanding WILL guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. From Philipians 4. Read the verse before …when we pray, give it to God, and give thanks. We do our part, He does His. Praying peace and safety for all of us. 30+ years a nurse now in the ED screening all that come in, still have masks…. for now…not N95 but masks.

Please consider submitting to a national paper. NY Times is providing free access to COVID 19 coverage, here’s the link:https://help.nytimes.com/hc/en-us/articles/115014809107-How-to-Submit-an-Op-Ed-Article
Last week I told my medical director that I am scared, I need to know how to keep my family safe. I had some ideas for helping the nurses through this including hazard pay, firefighter schedules, etc. I was told “this is why you became a nurse” – I told her that is not correct. I did not become a nurse to risk my own families welfare.
Thank you for saying this outloud.

Thank you for sharing. I am a nurse just assigned to a Covid 19 treatment centre. I am isolating myself from my beautiful children and grandchild. I am a bit nervous of what may lie ahead. We will do what need to do. I hope that it is enough. I hope to hug my family at the end of this madness. I hope that people listen and isolate themselves for protection. Keep your families safe, stay home. Wash your hands and don’t touch your face. I’d prefer not to meet you in our clinic rather, after this is through…. at a party, or the grocery store, or just out walking. Make me redundant. Please. I’m scared too….

I am not a nurse but I have been a patient several times. In my opinion nurses run the hospitals, keep the doctors updated and do every nasty thing imaginable while smiling. Ya’ll are God’s gift to the sick and elderly. During this crisis and always know that you are appreciated and respected.

I’m so so proud of my daughter, who works and care for those infected in the front line!! in one of the Manchester hospitals in UK as her ward has been fully transfered from spinal care ward to just Covid 19 positive patients only ward. Her and her colegues have to work their 12h shifts in only a small plastic aproon, gloves and simplest masks ever. Not fully covered as they should…!!! NHS can not afford it apparently anymore or just can’t organise it fast enough. Its a shame. Its crazy and uterly terrifying. It makes me sick. This is a necesarry minimum for those medical staff working in direct contact with infected patients and MUST be provided! At least this should be organised as even just to say thank you for those who risking their health and lives to help others. NHS bosses, wake up!!! The staff, I bet, not even been asked if they are will accept this crap cirumstances and willing to work in direct contact with he virus in a minimum or I would say NO safety gear. But they will anyway. As they doing it froim their hearts. My daughter always would put others before herself and caring for people was always her thing like I know most of the NHS staff. They feel the same otherwise they would pick a different career paths…

I am amazed how strong everyday my daughter is. Working 80 hours this week, she said, as there isn’t enough staff and more, and more infected people are addmited and dying on her ward every day. My daughter and lots of her colegues decided to work as hard as they can to get rid of this crap virus. She is strong, I know, but also I know that she is so worried and tired at the same time and anyway keep smile on her face and giving help and hope to those who needs it.
I never worried about my kids and their health so muchas as I am now for her. I know thing can happen as to us all but I’m scared for her as she is my little baby and always will. But I know in deep of my heart she will be OK.

Keep safe, strong and healthy my baby!!! I’m and all our family are with you and we are so extremely proud of your fantastic work!!

I said a special prayer for all you Nurse’s and workers. I am a Home Health Aide/CNA in West Haven, Connecticut. I am constantly with hand sanitizer or bar soap. I am also constantly praying every day. Thank you all so much for what you do. Try to hang in one day at a time.

Thank you for this! My prayers are with all of the healthcare workers bravely risking their lives to help others. “Praised be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of tender mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our trials so that we may be able to comfort others in any sort of trial with the comfort that we receive from God.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3,4

We have worked thru AIDS era & learned Universal Precautions. We protect ourselves from Hepatitis, cDiff, MRSA, VrSA, Flu, chicken pox, Bed bugs and head lice… but this covid19 comes along and we’re given ONE mask and a box of gloves. Yes. I’m scared.?

Wow, it’s like you heard me crying today. I am scared and don’t know if I can go on. I’m 63 1/2, debating if I should just call it quits and retire. Then I think about my husband who depends on me, and I try to go on.

Praying for all healthcare workers. I am not a nurse but my career has required me to make several sacrifices at the expense of myself and my family. Fast forward to my life now being retired and thinking back, I ask myself was it worth it? The answer is yes , I can sleep at night. The sacrifices you are making today are for the good of humanity and you will be forever blessed. The public at large may not know you personally but we do love you. Thank you.

ugh. thank you for writing this. this is the exact conversation that my nurse colleagues and i have been having. the “i did not sign up for this” conversation and the “i did not sign up for this – without PPE” conversation. after reading this, i really wish i could hug you. thank you.