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Halle Kiefer

While chatting last night with Conan O’Brien, the Kardashians revealed the ultimate in secret beauty tips: slathering mayonnaise on your vagina! Explained Kourtney, “I told Khloe that I found her sex mask under my bed, that she’s been looking for, and then she wrote me back, ‘Oh my god, I found your jar of mayonnaise that you use on your vagina.'” It just gives it that extra zip! Said Kourtney, “People were like, what does mayonnaise on your vagina do? And we said it makes it shine like the top of the Chrysler Building.” Shine like a beacon of American progress, ladies!

Wet blanket Kim quickly stepped in, complaining, “Talking about putting mayonnaise on your thing is not appropriate,” which is pretty ironic coming from the one Kardashian who has shown her Miracle Whip to the entire world. Eventually the ladies admitted that it had all been one big Twitter-fueled joke. Oh yeah…we totally knew they were kidding. On a totally unrelated note, do you think Costco takes returns? And do you think we can return a half-used drum of Hellmann’s?

Kanye is going to be crying into his $30,000 mink bolero jacket tonight (you know, like every night), because he is about to be replaced by a new, even more fabulous Twitter diva: 50 Cent’s dog Oprah Winfree! We all know 50 Cent’s Twitter feed has all but replaced water and oxygen as the most important things in his life, but last night he upped his tweet game by posting a picture of Oprah wearing doggie Uggs and a sensible periwinkle turtleneck. Tweets the canine Oprah,”Check Out My Uggs Bitch!” She’s allowed to say “bitch”because she’s a lady dog!

Oprah the Dog has a serious Twitter following at 11,480. Oh sorry, we mean 11,481, because we are now officially obsessed with her. But don’t assume that just because Op loves to tweet, she’s totally obsessed with social media. Barked Oprah, “Oh yea I saw that someone made a FAKE FACEBOOK Page for me! I’m NOT ON FACEBOOK ONLY TWITTER.” It was probably just plain ol’ human Oprah trying to steal some puppy thunder. Go get your own massive internet following, Winfrey! [Photo: Oprah the Dog’s Twitter]

With all the cat-faced ladies and 23-year-old Botox addicts we have in Hollywood, it’s nice to hear that for Sarah Jessica Parker, aging is still preferable to plastic surgery. In her new Elle interview, Parker complains, “I don’t know what I can do about the aging.” Uh…there’s nothing anyone can do, right? Until society gets around to building a time machine. Then everyone is going to look like SJP in Girls Just Want To Have Fun forever.

Complains Parker, “Yes, I am aging. Oh my God, I’m aging all the time. It’s like those flowers that wilt in front of you in time-lapse films. But what can I possibly do? Look like a lunatic?” Oh god, are those our only options? We guess we’re going to have to go with growing old too, reluctantly. Still, big ups to Sarah Jessica for having the fortitude to stay away from the knife. Besides, when it comes to looking like a lunatic, there’s always Sex and the City 3 (if there is a God!). [Photo: Splash News Online]

We were wondering why we were hyperventilating just now, and now we know: People’s Sexiest Men are auctioning off hang-outs for charity! You say hang-outs, we say dates, boy! Charitybuzz.com is offering quality time with 17 of the planet’s sexiest to the highest bidder, so start counting those pennies before the auction closes December 15. People’s Sexiest Man Ryan Reynolds won’t himself be available for hangout, but his dangerously high levels of sexy would probably knock us unconscious anyway. Oh, and by the way, the sexy hang-outs available? They are INSANE. For example:

“Workout with Wolverine! Join Hugh Jackman in the Gym as He Gets Ripped for His Next X-Men Film”

“Meet Prince William at The Chakravarty Cup Polo Match”

“Spend New Year’s Eve with Usher in Miami!”

“Practice Swim Session & Lunch with Michael Phelps”

“Have Your Voicemail Recorded by Ben Affleck”

And most importantly…

“Meet Christopher Meloni on the Set of Law & Order: SVU!”

Swoon! Hats off to the sexies for donating their time to a good cause, and here’s hoping that our bank loan comes through in time! [Photo: People]

While starring in The Tourist, Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp get to make steamy hot love, but in real life Depp is basically one coffee date away from comparing diaper bags with her. Gushes Johnny about La Jolie,”We just got on instantly. We got on very well and within minutes, we were sitting there yakking about our kids, you know?” We totes know, dude! We wish we were eating croissants and taking about teething rings with Angelina right this instant!

Depp also said his offspring had the honor of hanging out with one ofÃ‚Â Jolie and Brad Pitt’s golden children…the cool one. “Not a full on event, but we did have Angie’s boy, Angie and BradÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s boy, Pax, came over and he and my boy, Jack, played some video games one night, which was really sweet,”Johnny swooned. That really does sound heart-breakingly adorable. We bet there was eyeliner running down somebody’s face that night. Maybe even Angelina’s!

Dang, but Xtina has had a busy year! In addition to getting a divorce and looking like a supernatural sex robot in Burlesque (and we mean that as the highest of compliments), now meet Christina Aguilera’s new boyfriend Matthew Rutler. Rumors had circulated that Aguilera’s new boyfriend was a set assistant on Burlesque, and lo and behold, six weeks after she announced she was getting unhitched, Christina is confirming that it’s true. Says Aguilera, “Matthew is a special person. We had a really strong friendship on the movie. He’s the kind of person you could spend hours on the phone talking to and all of a sudden it’s daylight.” Yeah, sure. The phone, Christina. What are we, in middle school? We want canoodling, woman!

Despite their current relationship, Rutler was apparently not a factor in Aguilera’s divorce from husband Jordan Bratman. “Once I filed for divorce, we started dating. I’m not trying to jump into anything. I just left a five-year marriage.Ã‚Â I’m taking it slow and trying to be happy.” Yeah, but…there is still time left in the year to pack in a quickie wedding, Christina. That’s all we’re saying! That’s all we’re going to say…for now.

If it wasn’t enough to find out that Brandy hasn’t had sex in years, now Brandy admits she’s “not okay” without a boyfriend. Celebrities, they’re just like us! Like, exactly like us. Reveals Brandy, “I put myself in the eyeline of love, but I can’t quite get it together. I’m not okay being single because I’m a relationship girl. I love the romance.” In 2002, Brandy had daughter Sy’rai with producer boyfriend Robert Smith, only to break up a year later. So that means year seven is just around the corner! Man, if this is how they taught math, we bet a lot more kids would end up astrophysicists.

When asked to describe her sweet, sweet fantasy baby, let’s just say Brandy is not lowering her standards any time soon.”He has to be funny because I love to laugh. Driven, creative, motivated and inspired. He has to be a loving guy, who loves his mom and family. And, of course, easy on the eyes. That always helps.” You’re going to get that man, Brandy; we can feel it in our bones. Us? We’d settle for someone who doesn’t fart so loud, it wakes us out of a dead sleep. No offense, baby! Baby?

When Orsinger submitted Parker’s divorce papers on November 19, he reportedly had no idea that he was going Beyond Cheaterdome by representing both men. Once Orsinger recognized the conflict of interest, he decided to give Parker the boot. Sources say Tony is currently looking for new representation and will forge ahead with the divorce as planned. We, for one, don’t blame Orsinger for leaving. Really, how could anyone keep that many filthy texts straight? [Photo: Getty Images]

Now we know what ya’ll be doing at 4:20pm today if you live on the West Coast: listening to Snoop Dog’s new song for Prince William’s bachelor party, of course! That’s what you guys were thinking too, right? Rumors had circulated that Prince Harry wanted Snoop to perform at his brother’s last night of freedom, and because Snoop is basically a king among men he took it to the next level by composing a new tune. Those of us here on the East Coast can have a listen at 7:20pm. The only downside to the whole thing? The title of the song…is “Wet.” Guys, come on! Kate Middleton gets the chance in a million to be an actual princess, and you are ruining this for everybody being lewd! We’re not saying we aren’t going to dance when it plays on the radio, but still. Have some composure!

According to his PR team, the new Snoop Dogg song “Wett” “is the perfect anthem for Prince William or any playa to get the club smokin’.” Man, 4:20 can’t come fast enough! We’re still talking about the song! For the most part. [Photo:]

While most actresses over the age of 19 are scheduling their yearly face lift (we’re look at you, practically everyone in Hollywood), according to a 34-year-old Reese Witherspoon, aging makes her feel nothing but the sexy. Says Reese in the January issue of Glamour, “I think as a woman, you get older, you feel more confident in your sexuality. You’re not as intimidated by it, not as embarrassed by it. Sexuality and femininity is an accumulation of age and wisdom and comfort in your own skin. I feel better–so much better now than I ever did in my twenties. I am calmer; I know who I am. And as a result, I feel much sexier.” Being thin, blond and gorgeous can’t hurt, but then again, we’ve never been 34. Well, once, but that was a really long time ago.

As for furthering her career with rom-coms like the upcoming How Do You Know, Witherspoon assures us, “There’s always going to be somebody younger or sexier. That’s why I like to say, and it’s become my famous line, ‘Funny doesn’t sag.'” Thank god! If it did we’d all look like basset hounds. Well, more so than we do now, which is A LOT.Ã‚Â