Feeling like my love is fading [Update]

It’s been 5 months since I found out the whole story and even then it’s not like I’ll know everything.

I think the hate is taking over. I don’t like him anymore as a person. I go through loving moments where I’m clingy and appear happy but damn that shit disappears quick. The sex is eh. I’m starting to not like living in this. The constant pain. Insecurity. Always feeling paranoid. I have a panic attack atleast once every two weeks. When I think of who he has truly been I feel disgusted. There’s a thousand things telling me to leave and only a handful of things telling me to stay.

Truth is I’m alone most of the time. I’m always lonely, even when he’s there. He doesn’t even put in the effort to actually talk about what he did, his feelings or anything on his own . The other night I was in a good mood around him and reading memes, just laughing and he has the nerve to go “you know, I love nights like these where we can just enjoy each other’s company and laugh”. so you love what you originally gave up? This could of been your every day. This was your every damn day had you of been a good boyfriend from the start. That statement really rubbed me the wrong way. And not to mention he hasn’t been keeping to his full progress. It’s a “I’ll do it, I’m going to take this seriously “ and he still slacks.

I’m just tired of it all. I feel like I’ll be happier without him some days. I realized I don’t need him anymore nor has he ever provided me with anything actually special to make him a valuable piece to my life. Since day one it’s always been lies, manipulation, gas lighting , broken promises and disappointments. He cat fished me into believing he was this amazing person when we first got together and his true self has shown over and over again . I guess I always had this hope he’d be who he said he was. That he’d actually Change. Show me he genuinely meant his words and would provide actions behind them.

And worst feeling for me is I’m torn between wanting to be alone for a long time and then also wanting to date. I say the wanting to date because I’ve been put through so much by him and he’d always say “no one will want to deal with you. No one will love you like I have”

And that’s been ringing in my mind over and over. Because I know he’s wrong. I’m a good looking girl with a great head on my shoulders. I’m worth so much and I feel any guy would cherish me. The only time I ever acted “too much” was when he would lie . If he wouldn’t of been the terrible person he has been. I would of never had a reason to even act up. So if a guy actually comes into my life who shows love and respect, why would I have reason to “be crazy” . I just feel like he’s done so much blame shift on me. I’m finally snapping out of it.

Idk how much longer I can hold on. I feel like I’m at his fingertips and soon he won’t be able to feel me anymore. If only he would actually do everything he said he’d do. I could fall back in love with him. Start being happy. But I go without affection, talks , emotion, heart to hearts and so much that makes a relationship actually healthy. He doesn’t even change up what he’s doing until I’m walking away or I leave to go do something . When he sees me go that’s when it’s a “hey let’s spend time” but I have to remove myself for it to even be something ... he should be wanting to do things with me without seeing me upset. He’ll tell me how much he misses me all day then when I’m around he puts 0 effort into doing anything or even talking to me. Im tired of it...

And I want to cry again . Everytime I write these things by the end of it I’m in tears. I do still love him but it’s fading. I wonder when I’ll have no more tears to show towards him and our relationship.

This. When you just know someone doesn't actually give a flying fuck about you as a person. You feel it. The lack of curiosity about stuff that's going on in your life, how you are feeling, the lack of emotional connection. The emotion distance. It's very disturbing when you know you're a decent likable person with positive traits yet your supposed partner doesn't value you in the slightest. Yet when you threaten to leave they try and convince you that they care. That's called the push and pull dynamic. When you're happy and interested in them they pull away, yet when you pull away and they sense it then they start making more of an effort. It's completely the wrong way round. I identify with everything you write.

I feel very similar. What I have come to realize is the more I try in any direction the less he wants me and the less I look like myself. This treatment from him is unwarranted and debilitating and threatens the best parts of me. Staying is hard, but it's worse if you want something they don't want for themselves. He has acknowledged losing me would be all the things you've described. He does do the talking. However, what I want are behavioral changes to prevent it from happening again. He doesnt think it's that serious. But for a situation like this to occur something is driving an inadequacy and it is being reinforced internally and fueled by my actions externally with the want to force the change. Everytime I think I'm helping by presenting solutions for healing, I cringe when I think about how he internally translates. I don't think it'll ever be heard how it is intended simply because he's not able to hear it for what it is. The voice has been in control too long. For me there are multiple factors at play. They've been issues for a while and now I'm here because he didn't think it was that serious. Sometimes people have to lose everything and really feel the absence of those things to feel the pain they're covering. Getting help doesn't mean you're a demon or diseased, it means you didn't have the tools to take care of things appropriately. Ignoring the warning signs you mention will only cause more hurt for you and you don't deserve that. He has to first be willing to acknowledge there is a problem then get help, and maybe you have a chance. If not, you don't need that damage to ruin you too.

I know for me if my WS hadnt been doing everything in her power since dday I'd have been gone. Even with the WS making every effort it's still nearly impossible sometimes for me to not walk out. I cant imagine staying with someone who isnt putting in 100%. You deserve better on so many fronts. I hope whatever you choose works out for you. Good luck. And you have a whole community here for support.

My ex used to say "no one will love you like me" and when I didn't know the truth of who he was I used to love this statement. However, when all his shady dealings came to like and I was sort of at the point you are, he uttered that phrase. I was so angry I just looked at him and said "I certainty f***ing hope not".

Take him to the side, sit him down and demand an open heart to heart, don't just ignore it. The only two people that can sort this out are the two of you, tell him how you're feeling/what you've written here, I believe things can be saved if you try hard enough. I was in exactly the same boat as you except on the flip side, I was the one that wasn't interested in her, didn't want to talk about her day or do anything with her when we had the chance to (I was also mentally addicted to weed as well which made me stop caring about pretty much anything good in my life, is he on anything at all?) and ask him what he wants, why he's so distant. For me being the cheater (extremely hard to type) the reason I acted in this way towards her was because I couldn't let go of it myself, I absolutely hated myself to commit such an act and basically lost my own identity through this, every time I looked at her all I could see was this broken girl, and that truly broke me. I did love her but I knew the moment I told her what I had done that things would never be the same again and that I didn't deserve her, this made me into what I was in the relationship in the end, however I never said anything along the lines of nobody else will love you ect. Or my advice to you would be to walk away from him for a couple of weeks with NO CONTACT and make him realise what he's missing, he will 100% come around, either you'll want to be with him again and he will commit to you truly or you'll realise none of this was worth it and just move on, if you did once have something special though I would argue to do the NC method and give him one last chance, if nothing changes after that then he doesn't deserve you. My ex did this to me and if it were along the same lines as I've advised I would 100% commit and do everything right again. There's a whole lot more that went on with me and her but this is about you. I hope you find what's right for you, sorry if this post was messy I haven't had much sleep and I want to help you figure it out.

TL;DR: I was in the exact same situation but was the wrong doer, break up with him and go NC, he'll realise what he's missing and then it's up to you, trust me.

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