The Official Unofficial 2007 NFL Draft Timeline

7:00 a.m., Central Standard Time – Mel Kiper, Draft Expert, finishes his ranking of Tom Brady’s unborn fetus as one of the “Top Draft Prospects of 2029,” and leaves for work.

11:00 a.m. – ESPN’s coverage begins. NFL Commissioner and disciplinarian Roger Goodell welcomes us all to the 2007 NFL Draft. Then he warns the Jets fans that if they get too rowdy, he’ll “come down there and break some fingers.”

11:08 a.m. – New Orleans Saint Reggie Bush appears in a commercial mocking the Houston Texans for not picking him first last year. You get the feeling this will be a theme until Bush reaches the Hall of Fame or the Texans reach the playoffs, whichever comes first.

11:11 a.m. – The Oakland Raiders are on the clock. An on-screen graphic indicates they were 32nd in the league last season in offense, and their key offseason loss was quarterback Aaron Brooks. How is that a bad thing? Seems like a good thing to me. The Raiders could have dragged George Blanda out of retirement and stuck him under center, and not finished any worse in the league than 32nd.

11:12 a.m. – ESPN analyst Ed Werder points out the Raiders are the only NFL team over the last ten years to not use a first round pick on a quarterback, running back, receiver, or tight end. Strangely enough, they also have no offensive team meetings, have no audibles, and their offensive playbook is merely the instruction manual from the 1989 video game “Tecmo Bowl.”

11:17 a.m. – ESPN shows footage of prospect JaMarcus Russell throwing a football 64 yards while on his knees, as if that’s something football fans care about, and the NFL is some kind of Jackass-meets-Punt, Pass, and Kick league.

11:18 a.m. – We get our first camera shot of ESPN analyst Steve Young, who appears to either have had a face lift, or had some scientific experiment to take all the moisture out of his body.

11:20 a.m. – The Oakland Raiders select quarterback JaMarcus Russell. ESPN points out Raiders owner Al Davis admitted not taking quarterback Matt Leinart last year has set the Raiders back for years. And if anybody knows anything about setting the Raiders back for years, it’s Al Davis.

11:31 a.m. – Detroit does what Detroit does, which is draft a wide receiver. The Lions have used their first pick on receivers three of the last four years, netting an entire 1401 yards out of those picks last season. General manager Matt Millen makes worse decisions than a drunken sorority girl.

12:28 p.m. – Minnesota drafts Adrian Peterson to replace their stable of well known running backs they’ve used in the last few years, including that guy with the funny name, whatsisname that can’t stay healthy, and that dude with the whizzinator.

12:29 p.m. – With Atlanta on the clock, ESPN treats it as a foregone conclusion that Brady Quinn will go with the following pick to Miami after the Dolphins two quarterbacks they picked up last year both failed horribly.

12:39 p.m. – The Falcons select Jamaal Anderson, which briefly reminds NFL fans that once upon a time, long long ago, Atlanta actually did play in a Super Bowl with a guy named Jamal Anderson running the ball for them. And…dancing, perhaps? No one seems sure.

12:40 p.m. – Michael Vick gets a text message about his team’s draft pick while waiting in line to buy a giant bag of pet food, herpes medication, and a new water bottle.

12:40 p.m. – Michael Vick gets a text message about his team’s draft pick while waiting in line to buy a giant bag of pet food, herpes medication, and a new water bottle.12:46 p.m. – ESPN shows a graphic of the Dolphins starting quarterbacks since the retirement of Dan Marino, including several players so obscure, Chris Berman does not have a joke for them.

12:51 p.m. – Steve Young finishes a five-minute testimonial for quarterback Brady Quinn, including highlights of his best throws, graphics of his abilities, and a haiku about his calm demeanor.

12:52 p.m. – A rare moment of unity is observed, as the Dolphins select receiver Ted Ginn instead of Quinn, and every sports fan in America loses their mind.

1:05 p.m. – Houston drafts defensive tackle nineteen year-old Amobi Okoye, who entered college as a sixteen year-old. How smart is Okoye? Last year, he performed scientific experiments to statistically prove that if the Houston Texans did not draft Reggie Bush, they’d feel stupid about it for years.

1:07 p.m. – ESPN analysts discuss the admission of several highly ranked players in this draft have smoked marijuana in college. They also discuss the equally relevant possibilities that some of the players have tasted alcohol, skipped class, or seen R-rated movies.

1:14 p.m. – ESPN’s Suzy Kolber reveals that Brady Quinn has been taken away by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to a private suite, away from the television cameras broadcasting his disappointment.

1:15 p.m. – ESPN analysts Chris Berman and the frighteningly taut Steve Young both say that removing Quinn is “exactly the right thing to do,” in spite of the fact that a) the only cameras broadcasting his sorrow belong to ESPN, and b) they just finished showing us a two-minute highlight reel of previously disappointed quarterbacks and their long, agonizing waits in front of a worldwide audience.

1:44 p.m. – New York trades up in the draft, and Jets fans let out a deafening cheer that forms a wind steeped in cheap beer and old cheese.

2:12 p.m. – ESPN spends two interview segments and ten minutes talking about how good Brady Quinn is, leading me to wonder why they don’t just give him a job.

2:18 p.m. – A mere three hours and seventeen minutes into the draft, Chris Berman announces that we’re halfway done with the first round.

2:48 p.m. – We get back-to-back selections from the Cincinnati Bengals and the Tennessee Titans, who have to hope that at no point next week their selections both get high and shoot each other in a nightclub.

3:17 p.m. – Dallas Cowboys owner and riverboat gambler Jerry T. Jones, millionaire, swaps up a deal with Cleveland. The Browns get the pick to finally select quarterback Brady Quinn. Jones gets next year’s pick from Cleveland, a second-round pick, an assistant coach, a ’99 Ford Explorer, and two passes to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

3:25 p.m. – ESPN analysts talk about what a great story the ongoing torment of Brady Quinn has been, and how happy everybody is to see him drafted and on his way to a successful career. Everyone except Miami Dolphins fans, of course.

4:01 p.m. – Dallas and Philadelphia trade picks, which is somewhat akin to the Sunnis and the Shiites sitting down and sharing a ham sandwich.

4:17 p.m. – The Saints choose 29th, after showing last year how a team could turn their season around by selecting the right quarterback in free agency and making the right first draft pick. Sadly, the Dolphins and Texans aren’t paying attention, choosing instead to use this time to vote for their favorite “American Idol” contestants.

5:20 p.m. – The first round ends with a running time of six hours and twenty minutes, which causes it to run into the pregame coverage of Super Bowl XLII.

5:15 p.m. – ESPN announces former third pick, can’t-miss-franchise-quarterback Akili Smith has just signed a contract to play in the CFL, thus reminding football fans everywhere that as much fun as today is, nothing is guaranteed.

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