I’ll Keep Looking, Thank You Very Much

March 1, 2017

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Words by Amadeus Pagente
Photos by Iko Salas

“Don’t forget me when you’re already hot.” That’s the last thing he said to me before he decided to call it quits. How does someone react to that? I was dumbfounded. It’s a shame because we were really getting along. Before we could get more intimate, I told him about my status. I was diagnosed with HIV about four years ago. After hooking up, he told me he was HIV-positive, as well.

I saw myself with him but it seemed he only wanted to see me late at night (read: booty calls). Eventually, I realized it was over when he stopped replying to my messages. After months, I finally gave up. I guess the guy thought he was out of my league.

This feeling wasn’t new. Whether they’re poz or not, I don’t seem to meet the expectations of the boys I date. It isn’t long before they leave without so much as a goodbye. I guess you could say I’m fatigued by smooching and screwing guys who have no intentions of being in a relationship. Not to mention having to contend with the current standards of male beauty and the sort of masculinity that’s seen as attractive.

Photo by Iko Salas

My straight roommate thinks that homosexual dating practices tend to bypass the normal dating stages. I thought about this and realized that he may be onto something. Based on what I’ve experienced, sex usually comes first and love seems to be out of the question. However, this disastrous dating cycle that I’ve endured has its benefits. One, I get to redefine my relationship goals and shape my plans for the future. I’ve become accustomed to pain in this regard. Pain succeeds pleasure and is therefore inevitable and important.

Bad dates and sour relationships have taught me not to cartwheel down a cliff in order to win the approval of someone else. One shouldn’t have to negotiate having to fit into someone’s mould of a trophy boyfriend. I am extremely cautious now, sacrificing all the “fun” I could be having. Do I envy how quickly other gays can find dates nowadays? Yes. Should I feel jealous about waking up a stranger to someone I’ve been intimate with for an evening? Not at all.

Still, even as countless headless torsos and sketchy profiles confront me on Grindr, I try to establish a connection with the guys I meet on the app. I figure I could at least put my best foot forward. After all, in order to attract proper dates, I should be presenting myself in the best way possible.

Photo by Iko Salas

Back in the day, my dating philosophy was to “seize the moment,” but that was just me thinking I was running out of time. Thinking about that era, I recall dates who couldn’t even remember my name, and yet things like that didn’t bother me then. At some point, all those mistakes only clarified how much I wanted things to change.

Here’s the thing: I used to search longingly for what I thought was a safe space: meeting another guy, the next guy, the guy after that, be it in bathhouses or cruising apps. It took me some time to realize that a true safe space already existed in my mind. In this space, there’s more to prioritize than just clamoring for a relationship. In this space, whatever rejection I’ve experienced can be channeled towards self-acceptance. For every guy who broke my heart, I am truly grateful for the experience. Because of you, I’m only getting better at taking my time, skipping the self-loathing, and reminding myself of what used to get lost in my desperation: me.

SHOP

About Team

TEAM tackles how gay Filipino men relate their identity, from fuckups to fantasies, to where to go for music you can actually dance to. We may not have proper rights in our country but we’re claiming some authority by getting our words and ideas on page. And though we lack public places to convene, an open publication (and wide-open digital space) is a good place to start.