Comedy Writers to Obama: "Please step on your dick!"

Dr. Richard B. Schmoker worries that a President Obama means an end to comedy as we know it.

(La La Land, CA) - Hard on the heels of Senator Barack Obama's securing of the Democratic nomination, a group of comedy writers from across the globe have formed a coalition imploring the Senator to do something they can make fun of.

With the imminent loss of Hillary Clinton and her campaign comedy of errors staring them in the face, and with the deadline on Bush jokes now at 7 months and counting, the newly established Comedy Union for New and Terrific Satire has begun circulating an online petition demanding that the Senator from Illinois respect the age old political tradition of being an idiot in public.

Speaking from their national headquarters, located in the back room of a Hooters restaurant in Pasadena, the Comedy Union president, Dr. Richard B. Schmoker, Ph.D. said that Barack Obama still has a long way to go if he wants to be a real President of the United States.

"Senator Obama, for all of his obvious competence, dignity, and intelligence, just doesn't seem to know beans about how to be a politician in this country," said Dr. Schmoker, while taking a deep hit from a bong in the shape of Richard Nixon's head.

"You have to be a total idiot and egomaniac to be a really great leader," he continued. "Think of all the absolutely moronic things you love most about Presidents of the past. Ronald Regan sleeping through cabinet meetings; John Kennedy and Bill Clinton banging anything that had a hole in it; George Bush, Sr. not knowing what a supermarket scanner was; George Bush, Jr. opening his mouth to say anything.

"Now think about a world where a president does none of those things. Worse yet, imagine a president who does none of those things and is competent. You think Saturday Night Live sucks now? Imagine how boring it would be then."

Concerned that Obama may actually restore dignity to an office long associated with stained dresses, illegal arms shipments, drunken brothers, and tumbles down airplane steps, the Comedy Union brain trust has begun collecting signatures online for a petition they want to present to Obama before the August Democratic Convention in Denver. The petition contains a list of ten suggested actions they say Senator Obama could take that would ensure quality bogus news reports and sketches for the duration of his administration.

Dr. Schmoker was kind enough to present TheSpoof.com with a copy of the list, along with the reasoning behind each item:

1. Bang a fat chick - "This never fails to get a laugh even when someone who isn't the President does it. It's also the easiest thing on this list to accomplish, especially in America, so it would allow Obama a simple way to get his administration off on the right track. Bonus points if the girl is underage or works for him."

2. Ridicule an ethnic group - "While not funny in and of itself, this action would provide ample opportunity for professional comedians to go to town."

3. Fall down, preferably hard - "Again, this is a rather simple thing to do, but it's got to come during a nationally televised event. Jimmy Carter once fell off the crapper and banged his head on a bidet, but no cameras were there to capture the event, thus no one got a laugh out of it. Well, Roslyn did chuckle quite a bit, but that doesn't really count."

4. Go bowling again - "We were really encouraged when we saw you bowling, but now it's starting to look like an anomaly. Perhaps you could resurrect the old game show Bowling For Dollars, but with you as the contestant each week. This one obviously only works as long as you suck at it, so no fair practicing."

5. Feel up a foreign leader - "When Bush tried to massage German Chancellor Angela Merkel, comedy writers basically got a free paid vacation for a week. Try it with a man and it would be worth two weeks."

6. Convince a relative to drink heavily - "To this day, the Comedy Union for New and Terrific Satire holds a half hour of mourning each September 25th to commemorate the passing of Billy Carter. A lot of great jokes passed with him in 1988."

7. Put Hillary on the ticket - "Obviously this is advanced comedy and not to be undertaken lightly, but we really beg you to think about it."

8. Take a plane ride with Bill Clinton and Steve Bing - "Nuff said."

9. Invade a country for no reason - "Again, this is advanced comedy. It's also very dark comedy. It may be wise to hold off on this one until your second term, but just keep in mind that Bulgaria is defenseless and has a really funny name."

10. Serve Chicken and Waffles at a State Dinner - "This one is master's level comedy and should only be attempted if you feel very confident in yourself. But it would really freak out those inbred crackers from West Virginia that Dick Cheney likes to talk about, and those guys always end up providing us with great material."

It remains to be seen whether or not an Obama presidency means the end of serious political comedy in America. Comedy writers have been nervous before, only to find in the end that their fears were completely unfounded.

"I remember when W. was thought of as a uniter and not a divider," said Dr. Schmoker. "What a fricking hoot that idea is now, but it actually scared us at the time. I mean, the notion that a president might actually try and unite the country? Boy, that would have been bad news for us.

"Of course, Bush turned out to be Bush, so all of our worrying was for naught. In fact, Bush has ended up being the greatest boon to comedy since the invention of the banana peel, so you never know. Maybe Obama will turn out to be an empty suit who we naively poured all our hopes and dreams into during a time of great crisis, only to get ourselves fucked in the end again."

Dr. Schmoker then took a moment to caress the rubber chicken that he carries with him everywhere.

"Oh, well. A boy can dream, can't he?"

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