Male privilege is a myth. I know this because I am a man and fully aware of any and all breaks that come my way–and I can assure you that there aren’t any. I’ve worked for absolutely everything I have and I deserve it and if I’m better off than a woman maybe she should work harder to keep up.

My boss is a woman, and her boss is a woman, so you can cool that argument right now. If anything, my gender has held me back in this female-centric workplace. Eighty percent of my co-workers are ladies. I supervise a team of three women, and it’s a struggle to manage all the gossip and PMS, but I just man up and do my job. They should try that some time .

No other guys eat lunch with me, just the ladies I supervise, so I have to put up with all this vag-y stuff about reality TV and kids. Like I care. This is a hostile work environment if I’ve ever seen one. None of them will really talk to me anymore because the youngest one, a real cute girl named Tamryn, said I was looking down her shirt. And I was, but she’s the one who put that shirt on and it was hanging kind of low and god those things were beautiful. I mean, I was trying not to look too obvious about eyeballing her but whatever. It’s not like I touched her or something. I know the rules.

I’m married, and I would never disrespect my wife by getting involved with another woman. But I’m not dead, so I’m gonna look. She knows that. And she doesn’t care who pumps up the tires as long as she gets to ride the bike. If she really wanted me to keep my eyes only on her she’d do her damn hair once in a while, maybe put on some makeup. You know, get cleaned up for me. But it’s fine. She takes care of me. Hell of a cook. Hell of a mother to our kids. That stuff’s more important. In the dark, I can imagine Tamryn lying there below me, and, as long as I don’t think too hard on the droopiness I’m handling, it’s easy to lose myself in the moment. It must work for my wife, too, because she goes right to sleep when it’s over.

I’m not sure what all these girls are complaining about on Twitter and Facebook. A guy whistles at you, pinches your ass? That’s a compliment. Relax. Feel free to pinch my ass any time.

Yeah, some guys take it too far. No means no, for sure. Some men need to work on their salesmanship–get their lines in order, maybe get a few drinks in her–and she won’t say no when the time comes.

But ladies? Loosen up. Have a good time. We got birth control now, so you don’t have to hold onto your chastity like some security blanket. Just a tip to make your Friday nights a little easier. You don’t have to be such bitches.

6 Responses to #YesAllWomen: A Real Man Responds

ok so I’m guessing this is a satire but this is still seriously offensive. I hope this isn’t your actual view. I hope this is a joke because if gender isn’t holding you back in the work places it’s your people skills. Loosen up? How about it’s my body and I’ll do what I want with this. This is just a prime example of how rape culture is perpetuated! Men don’t try to understand what is like to have to carry pepper spray because you’ve been told if you don’t you’ll get raped or murdered. Or because I’m pretty I deserved to be stalked, harassed and abused. Have you showed your wife this post?

Yes, it’s satire. No, these are not my actual views. Yes, I have shown this to my wife. This is a fictional first person narrative, not a literal transcript of my views.

I happen to think the #YesAllWomen threads on Twitter are enlightening and powerful, and that men who claim to be oppressed by women are lying, whiny sacks of shit. Women deserve equal pay, reproductive freedom, and total safety from harassment of any kind. I was mocking the reactionary backlash to the brave expressions of anger and pain women were sharing all weekend. I have friends who are rape survivors. They are stronger than I could ever be. And I have three sisters, several nieces, and a daughter who are growing into this world. It’s a terrifying place.

I just happen to feel that ridiculing the bad guys is a great way to defeat them. We need guys to realize just how horrible these ideas are. And we need to teach boys not to de-value women, not to de-humanize half the species.