What it's all about...

I'm a 39 year old wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt & friend. That should tell you who I'll be writing about most of the time.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Note to Self: Snap Out Of It!

I really can't put my finger on exactly why, but I have been really bummed out the last few weeks. And it needs to be done now, I am very over it. What could be getting me down...

I can't stand being the weight I am. And it feels like the frustration I have about it is so big I can't see around it to do anything to change it. I feel like I'm stuck here.

The kids & I are going to CA in 2 months and I am fat. Hmmm, I see a trend here... I hate that I am going to see friends and family who I just saw last year and I am about 20 pounds heavier already. I have such cute clothes, that don't fit. I don't want to have to buy more clothes in yet a bigger size, but I don't know what I will wear if I don't.

The kids & I are going to CA in 2 months and I still have to buy our return trip plane tickets. How am I going to afford that?

I have been screwing stuff up at work. I'm not afraid of losing my job, but I really hate messing up.

They are doing massive layoffs at Shell's work. She feels like her job is in jeopardy. She is absolutely without a doubt the main income earner in our house.

I feel like a bad mom and wife. And sister. And friend.

I can't sleep. Maybe because there is so much rattling around in my head?

Well, that was depressing. I should probably list some good things that are going on, you know for perspective...

Easter was nice. Shell & I put the kids baskets together the night before. She of course bought them way too much stuff. And they loved it all. We went to my parents for dinner and watched August Rush. I thought it was really good.

Last Sunday we didn't do anything. We got everything done on Saturday so we wouldn't even have to leave the house. We slept in, made breakfast, and then watched TV and movies all day. We watched "All Over Me", an indie lesbian flick with Leisha Hailey. It wasn't as good as we had hoped. We watched "Gone Baby Gone", starring Casey Affleck and directed by Ben Affleck. It was very very good. Also watched the documentary "Paper Clips" about a school in a very conservative, white town that does a project to teach the kids about the Holocaust. It was excellent. I love good documentaries and this was one.

Shell is leaving next week to spend 5 days with her mom. I will miss her, but I feel like at least while she is gone, I won't be falling down on my responsibilities as her wife. So I am kind of looking forward to that. And I am taking 2 days off work then too, so that's a very good thing.

So it's not all horrible, but still enough to put me in a funk apparently. What really sucks and gets me down the most is that what I am most bummed about are things that I could change. And the fact that I'm not, makes me more sad. It's a circle that I can't get out of. I need to figure out what it will take to break it and do something about it. And soon because I really don't like feeling this way.

Me

I grew up in Orange County, CA. My wife and I have been together since 1992, have lived in Colorado since 1995. Our twins were born in 1998. I am a lesbian wife & mom just living my life and writing about it here.