Jerry Hayes

Britain is really a Truman Show social experiment for the Chinese. But who is real and who is an actor?

16 Jul 2016 at 08:49

I have finally worked out what is really happening. Britain doesn’t have a real government nor a Parliament at all. We have just become part of a Truman Show televisual social experiment for the Chinese. And it is prime time viewing. Deep in a bunker in Bejing legendary producers think up bizarre plot lines to keep the Chinese viewing public hooked. What makes it so popular is that ordinary people have taken control of the show. There is a very popular nightly spot which roughly translates as What Can Boris Fuck Up Next? So punters get him to do the most bizarre things like write a poem about the president of Turkey shagging a goat or slagging off Obama and both nominees for the presidency. The idea of making him Foreign Secretary was considered as too far fetched by producers. But over 17 million voted for it, so it had to be. It has been a rich source of entertainment, particularly the coup against Erdogan organised by Mark Thatcher. And how they love Andrea Leadsom. Another popular game was What Really Stupid Things Can This Bloody Woman do? It has been a great success. They wanted to make her Prime Minister but that would end the whole show far too quickly. Actually our season ends in 2020 as a new show starts in America. The the latest wheeze is putting her in charge of farming, simply because her only experience is taking her children to a petting zoo in the 1990s. But the real fun will come when our farmers breathe in the fresh air of freedom on the sunny uplands of high tariffs.

But some younger writers have been writing plots which are just too unbelievable. Philip Hammond a long haired, loon panted lothario of the 70s promoting discos from his half office stroke bedroom plying his wild chums with Bacardi and Coke? Oh, come off it. And last night’s announcement by Oliver Letwin that we don’t have any trade negotiators as they all work for the EU was thought be be pushing credibility a tad too much.

The real difficulty is trying to work out who is real and who is a professional actor. People are beginning to suspect that Boris is not the real deal at all with some journalists hinting that he was trained at the Beijing State Circus. The giveaway was when he entered the Foreign Office on a unicycle and sporting that terrible fright wig. It is rumoured that he has an earpiece keeping him in contact with producers. When ratings begin to wobble they scream ‘do something fucking stupid’. And he does. What a pro.

And Leadsom? The talk is that her real name is Leticia Twunt who once auditioned for a part in the Stepford Wives. She fell out with producers over a sporting claim on her CV that she wrote all of Shakespeare’s novels. But her ratings are pretty good.

But even hacks are worried that some of their editors cannot be real either. Paul Dacre is suspected of being a former horror movie actor planted at the MAIL to send a shiver down the nation’s spine. He is really very, very good. And Richard Desmond is beginning to cause concern as it is reported that he bears an uncanny resemblance to a man who escaped from a Beijing asylum for the criminally insane. Nobody can be sure but they always enter his office in twos.

The real mystery is Theresa May. The word on the street is that the real one was kidnapped and replaced by Ann Robinson years ago. Even Gove was unnerved when she sacked him by saying ‘you are the weakest link goodbye’. Now just answer this simple question readers, have you ever seen May and Robinson together? Hah, I thought not.

But I have heard from Heat Magazine that there is talk of Boris being written out by the end of the year. It is going to be spectacular disaster.