Entertainment

What it's like to see 'The Force Awakens' as a Star Wars virgin

Warning: This post contains plenty of major spoilers about The Force Awakens right from the get-go, and I'm not able to be sensitive about which ones are more important than others. I mean, look at the headline, buddy.

I learned everything I know about the Star Wars universe from television.

Now, before you fire up your lightsabers and prepare to Han Solo me (too soon?), let me be clear: I'm not exactly proud of this. I don't take pride in ignorance of any kind; the Star Wars movies have just slipped through the cracks.

And honestly, until J.J. Abrams decided to take moviegoers back to a galaxy far, far away, I thought I'd get away without seeing them for the rest of time.

After all, the knowledge I'd gathered about the franchise from The Simpsons, The Big Bang Theory, and every spoof-loving TV show in between always got me by just fine. I'd say what I knew about Star Wars as of last week could fill the back of a cereal box — but a family-sized one, the kind you buy at Costco that comes with two bags inside. Fine, right?

Well, it was fine...until all of a sudden, I was in the middle of a cultural moment to which I had nothing genuine to contribute. So instead of trying to find the time to zoom through six movies of backstory — we are, I should remind you, in the midst of Peak TV, and I have a job to do — I decided to preserve my special circumstance for the ultimate test.

Can you really enjoy The Force Awakens without ever having seen another Star Wars movie?

As Star Wars lover Barney Stinson would say: Challenge accepted.

The good, the bad, and is Luke Skywalker an a-hole?

I knew The Force Awakens would present a few challenges. Among them?

I didn't exactly have the family tree straight. "Luke, I am your father?" Check. Incest jokes? Check — I knew Leia and Luke were siblings. The rest? Fuzzy.

I knew it'd be hard to tell whether something was a mystery just for me or to everyone in the theater. I decided months ago that I'd try to ignore all rumors and preview stories, which was actually easy when your knowledge base is small to start with. That said, when it came time to watch the movie, I was shocked to learn that Rylo Ken — er, Kylo Ren? — is Han Solo and Leia's son. No one around me seemed shocked. Were they spoiled? Or am I just behind?

I knew that some of the technical aspects of what was going on would be lost on me. For example, Kylo Ren's little mind choke thing — why didn't he just make everyone faint when he was frustrated with them? Or lightsabers: Why can they cut through trees but not through space guns? This is why my favorite part of the movie was when Han Solo scolded Finn: "That's not how The Force works." I was instantly at ease.

This last one made me hate myself the most: I knew I wouldn't understand all of the references and, thus, some of the punchlines. I love punchlines. Every time the crowd would cheer or laugh at what I assumed was a callback, I'd put a gummy bear in my mouth so I wouldn't stand out so much. In related news, I ate half a bag of gummy bears.

The first few minutes of the movie, I'll admit, were like a pop quiz I didn't study for.

When John Boyega's character, initially known as "FN2187," looks at his dying Stormtrooper friend and has that life-altering moment — from behind a mask, by the way; very impressive emoting there — I had a brief moment of jelly brain.

"Stormtroopers aren't robots?" I thought. Then I remembered: "Wait, of course not. Like in Spaceballs. Get it together, Gonzalez."

Watching the movie became less of a labor, mere minutes later. Around the time Oscar Issac's Poe and Boyega's newly named Finn teamed up to escape Stormtrooper HQ, it became less like a test and m ore like a damn good movie. (Minor gripe: Why didn't they call Boyega's character Stormy?)

Dare I say, it was too damn good.

You see, I got a little teary eyed at the weirdest part — after Daisy Ridley's Rey and Finn escaped the desert in the Millennium Falcon.

I don't know much about Star Wars, but among the facts written on that cereal box in my mind is that its universe has always been male-skewing, with very few central female characters. I remember Ridley's casting being a huge, exciting thing.

I wasn't thinking about this during the actual action scene. I was sucked in, 100% on board, slightly jolting myself every time they narrowly avoided a collision. It wasn't until after they were safe once again that I realized what I'd just seen will change the narrative for the young kids that watch this movie. They won't have to celebrate when women get to be badass, galaxy-hopping fighter pilots; that'll just be the way things are.

That was on my mind the rest of the movie. When Han Solo offered Rey a job. When a woman fought alongside Poe and Matt Parkman from Heroes (real name: Greg Grunberg) in the big final battle. And that got me thinking: Will it be easy going back to whatever these movies were before?

Yes, they were from another time — but I'm from this time. I've seen a diverse, funny, exciting film that puts warriors of all genders in the middle of the action. This was my first bite of Star Wars; if I go back now, will the older offerings taste stale?

I don't know. I have to decide whether I want to watch them. And honestly, I'm still on the fence.

My sole motivator for doing so at this point is to see what the big deal is about Luke Skywalker. Yes, he has The Force. So does Rey. Big whoop.

Also, this is a guy who chilled out on an island like Season 1 Oliver Queen while people died trying to put together a map to find him. He couldn't send a text? Make a call on a secure line? Leave water-activated space bread crumbs? Dick move, Skywalker.

In the meantime, here are a few spare burning questions from a Star Wars newbie.

+ Why can more people speak robot than Wookiee? + How does space genetics work? Why does Ben look absolutely nothing like Han and Leia? + Why does everyone pronounce Millennium Falcon slightly differently?+ What exactly was wrong with R2D2? Because it seemed like he just didn't feel like talking. Why didn't someone tell him to get himself together and cough up the stupid map? The whole movie could have been solved much earlier. + And where does everyone shop? Because I need a bomber jacket and Rey's fuzzy boots, ASAP.

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