Let me start off by saying that eating like The
Rock, a challenge I eagerly decided to take on, did not end
up going how I thought it would. I thought I would hate it. I
actually didn't think I'd make it all the way through. But I did,
and I actually kind of liked it.

The diet, adapted from a sample I found of Dwayne
Johnson's "cutting diet" consists of six meals, totaling up
to about 5,000 calories. Each meal is as follows:

You're probably seriously questioning why I would have enjoyed
feeling like the girl who turns into a blueberry in Willy Wonka,
but I promise I have my reasons. I didn't decide to eat like
The Rock because I wanted to bulk up, or change my body, or
anything like that. (Although, not having chicken arms would
probably be cool.) More than anything, I really just wanted to
see if I could actually stick to it and not quit halfway through.
How hard could it be?

In full commitment to this challenge, I redownloaded the "Rock
Clock" app on my phone, which is an alarm clock app made by
The Rock himself. The app gives me the option to be woken up by
Dwayne gently singing, "Good morning sunshine, get your candy ass
out of bed," and also to wake up at "Rock Time" aka 3:50 IN THE
MORNING. (If you want to hear that for yourself, here is the
soundbite.)

I say redownloaded because I actually used to use this app — I
genuinely woke up laughing every day. Sadly, I had to stop
because I kept having extremely vivid dreams that The Rock was
standing over my bed and singing to me at 3:50 am, fully decked
out in that one outfit with the fanny pack (you know which one
I'm talking about). That sh*t makes for a good story the next
day, but really messes with your sleep.

So here I am now, having just turned off The Rock's
strangely good singing and all I can think about is how much I
need coffee and how many eggs I'm about to consume. If I'm this
tired and it's 6 am, I don't know how the hell The Rock wakes up
two hours earlier than I have... every. single. day. My main
conclusion so far is that The Rock is not an actual human, just a
super-species alien with a stellar smile.

The Rock Diary Entry #2: 9:23 am

Meal 1 went down okay, but honestly eating 10 scrambled egg
whites at 7 am is a lot. It wasn't so much that I was full;
it was more that I just literally never want to lay eyes on a
scrambled egg white ever again. Good thing that's what I get to
eat in Meal 6!

After attempting to amp up my metabolism by aggressively speed
walking in circles around my apartment, I was actually excited
for Meal 2. I was feeling inspired by The Rock and his
no-holds-barred approach to life and was determined to channel
that into myself. The diet outlined grilled chicken breast,
asparagus, and yams, which were way nicer to eat than Meal 1,
even if it was a bit weird to be eating half a chicken at 9:30 in
the morning.

I just finished Meal 4 and on a scale of 1 to 10, I am level
13 bloated. I wonder if I went outside right now how many people
would ask me when my child is due to be born. I've never been so
full in my life, and the food babies
of Thanksgiving dinner past are nothing compared to this one.

Meal 3 is already a distant memory even though the taste of tuna
heartburn refuses to leave my throat. It's like a bad ex
boyfriend who won't stop texting you universally applicable GIFs
with the caption "this reminded me of you." Yeah this GIF of a
cute puppy that anyone could enjoy really shows me that you get
me now.

The Rock Diary Entry #4: 4:17 pm

After writing the last entry I dragged myself out of bed and
walked my way to the park near my apartment, hoping that I could
walk off this bloat. As I rode the elevator down, I tenderly
patted my food baby and contemplated how funny it would be if I
bought a pair of Joey-style turkey pants. I made a mental note to
see if I could get them in the same pattern as Phoebe's.

After walking for a solid hour around the park, I was honestly
feeling a lot better. I had left the apartment looking 6 months
pregnant and had lost at least 3 months by the time I returned.
My energy levels were also feeling good and I was feeling pretty
proud of myself. I had made it through four out of the six meals
already and I didn't feel like I was going to puke anymore.

Not only had I committed to eating like The Rock all day, but for
some reason unknown to me, I decided to also commit to working
out like The Rock. Not even on a different, less-likely-to-vom
occasion, but on the same day.

It was probably the most grueling workout I have ever done and my
belief that The Rock isn't human is getting stronger by the
minute. However, I'm honestly ecstatic I somehow didn't puke all
over my gym floor after 75 CRUNCHES.

IT'S OVER. I'M FINALLY DONE. I just shoveled down the last bite
of my last meal and I have never been so relieved in my life. I
know people use that expression a lot, but after having a staring
contest with Meal 6 for an hour before being able to finish it, I
genuinely mean it. I also never, ever, ever, want to see a
scrambled egg white ever again. As I mentioned before, I have no
freaking clue how The Rock does this every day.

That being said, I am happy I did this challenge. After Meal 5, I
was back to being just-left-Grandma's-house-level bloated and I
really didn't think I was going to be able to make it. After all,
it was just me and my plate of food and nobody but myself holding
me accountable.

But somehow, I made it. I didn't bail halfway through, and I
didn't even vomit (I have literally no idea how). Tbh, I'm
actually pretty proud of myself for finishing this.

Thank you, Dwayne, for showing me that I can do anything if I put
my mind to it. But no, I probably won't be doing this again. The
Rock weighs almost double my body weight, so there is no way in
hell this diet would be sustainable for me, or my wallet — these
groceries were expensive AF. However, if I can put my mind to
doing this, who knows what else I can accomplish?