LETS TALK ABOUT SEX​Sex Therapy, Sex Research & Sexual Experience

Mistress Evilyne is a British, London based professional dominatrix. Originally a pastry chef by profession, Mistress Evilyne left the world of kitchens 4 years ago to throw Herself into a whole new field of work where in a short time, she has thrived and become quite vocal about sex workers' rights. Mistress Evilyne is an advocate for the de-stigmatisation of sex work, and alternative sexuality and relationships in general. ​You can follow her at @MsEvilyne

Here, Mistress Evilyne asks the question, why are we so scared of answering children's questions about sex?

​“Think of the children!” resounds their battle cry.

What a loaded phrase. What a loaded weapon. They whisper it when speaking to each other, they shout it at the top of their lungs to the press who print it black on white, again and again… think of the children.

WHY IS THIS COUNTRY SO TERRIFIED OF ITS CHILDREN KNOWING ABOUT SEX?

It seems that the general population sees all deviations from a very restrictive sexual norm to be akin to paedophilia. The country is indeed suffering from an epidemic of pedophilia, but that is one specific issue which is as far removed from things such as BDSM as murder is from playing cops and robbers. The idea that we are out to hurt your children is a preposterous one which is bandied constantly because it always has a major impact on an audience. It makes you look like the hero, out to preserve the sweet innocence of the next generation. This innocence is a complete illusion. We bring up our children in a world of fantasy where they grow up into vulnerable and naive teens.

These same “innocent” children which you try so hard to protect are constantly subjected to the horrors which you watch on the news every evening, which is specifically designed to influence your thought process in order to make you more amenable to the stripping away of your liberties. They are subjected to their parents drinking in front of them, openly discussing how alcohol takes away the pain. They are subjected to domestic violence, which imprints in them the archetype of their understanding of human relationships.

And yet they worry about their children being exposed to people undertaking in adult play in a safe, sane and consensual manner. I say that the world has gone topsy turvy. Children should be taught about sexuality, at a rate that matches that of their intellectual development. They are able to understand these things much earlier that people give them credit for. Society is trying so hard to hide sex from children. The results are that when faced with a sexual predator, they don’t understand what is happening and are ill equipped to fight back against grooming and threats. Also, children always do come across adult sexuality, but by chance, out of context, and with no tools to help them understand and process what they have seen.

Rather than hide the realities of adulthood from our children, hadn’t we better educate them and prepare them to deal with adult life? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every new generation took their first steps into adulthood already equipped for the hurdles ahead? My life would be very different if I had turned 18 already knowing how to do My accounts, how to invest My money wisely, how to talk business, how to do repairs on My house and car, but most importantly, how to be in control of My sexuality and comfortable with it.

In desperately trying to protect their children, older generations send them into the world of adults completely vulnerable and uneducated. They hold them back from being able to protect themselves from predation and from being able to achieve sexual growth in an unstigmatised, guiltless and, most importantly, safe manner.The demonisation of people such as myself and the fear of having us within “their” neighbourhood is nothing more than the manifestation of people’s own sexual guilt and vulnerability, both born from the efforts of their own parents to protect their innocence into early adulthood.

And so the wheel turns, constantly coming back to zero. Like for anything else within society, a major and radical shift would need to take place in order for this hellish cycle of guilt and denial to come to an end. The momentum can only be slowed down to a halt by one thing, and that is education.

It will definitely not happen in My lifetime, but I do hope that one day the general public will see the value in sexual education and will understand that the best equipped teachers are actually the professionals of the business. Who would you rather learn cooking from? Heston Blumenthal? Or the the lunch lady from your local school? Why not let sex professionals write educational books aimed at young teens? Why not employ charismatic people from the adult industry to host documentaries for teenagers that demystify sex and show it as what it is when aproached properly: a lot of fun, an amazing way to bond with a person, a healthy activity, and a wonderful setting in which to eplore giving and receiving pleasure, amongst many other things.

As I said before, I doubt if any of these things will change in My lifetime, but I can still hope. Please spread this blog post to as many people as possible. The more eyes we open to the irony of the situation, the more parents might just change their point of view and begin to educate rather than repress.