Noel Edmonds Thinks This Cures Depression And Cancer

There are few things you’d ever ask Noel Ernest Edmonds to comment on in your day-to-day life.

Whether he can check your gunge consistency? Check. How to make your house party as blobby as possible? Go for it. Which box to choose if the bloke down the chippy mixed up you and your mate’s (presumably Noel Ernest Edmonds) order, and one is covered in tasteless, odourless garlic salt, which you’re deadly allergic to? Probably, though that seems like a ridiculous situation by any stretch of the imagination.

What you would (probably, we’re not psychics) never, ever ask Noel Ernest Edmonds, is “how do I cure cancer?” Well, TOUGH LUCK, because Noel Ernest Edmonds has got an answer for you, and it’s stupid as fuck.

After inventing harmful chemicals, Thomas Midgley Jr essentially created environmental pollution and can be said to have had more impact on the atmosphere than anything else in Earth’s history. He died after being strangled in a machine he created.

Adolf Frederick, who reigned as king of Sweden in the 1700s, genuinely killed himself by eating. Historians report that in 1771 he ate a feast of caviar, lavish amounts of seafood and sauerkraut, and a ridiculous 14 servings of pudding.

Jean-Baptiste Lully, a composer, to accidentally killed himself by hitting himself in the foot with his heavy conducting staff during a performance. After the wound developed gangrene, he refused to have his leg amputated, so that was the last of him.

Hans Steininger was an Austrian burgher whose beard measured about 4.5 feet, which he normally kept it in a leather pouch. Once, he forgot to keep it rolled up, and the beard caught fire and he burned to death.

Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe essentially died from being too polite. He died after a banquet, afer holding his bladder until it burst. He had refused to leave the table to relieve himself, as it was impolite.

It is believed Arius, a Christian presbyter, accidentally ingested poison before his gruesome death. He was having a walk when he suffered sudden diarrhea, followed by hemorrhaging, eventually causing his intestines to be expelled from his anus. Ew.

In 1911, daredevil Bobby Leach became the second person ever to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. However, he died by slipping on an orange peel and breaking his leg so badly it had to be amputated. He died due to complications from the surgery.