Monthly Archives: December 2017

Family photo on Coronado Beach during a spring break trip to San Diego.

It’s been a year of change for the Fordanes, as we uprooted from the Wood of Ingle and moved west to Kelowna, land of lakes, wine and labradoodles. Prior to the move we said goodbye to Fernie, and enjoyed a family vacation to California in March and then a couples trip to Croatia in May to celebrate 20 years of marriage.

Since relocating mid-July we have spent a lot of time swimming, hiking, mountain biking (Blake), cherry eating, killing black widows and learning the difference between un-oaked Chardonnay and Viognier (which is pronounced the French way, not Vogue-ner. Duh!). We are acclimatizing to green grass in December, a dearth of snow and the quiet solitude of no trains, planes or Deerfoot Trail truckers laying on the jake brake at 3 a.m. When people ask us what we like best about Kelowna, we always say, “No wind.” But enough about how Kelowna kicks on Calgary — here’s what each member of our crazy quintet got up to in 2017.

Blake got his big acting break when he landed the recurring role of “office worker” on season three of Fargo. This involved sitting around for hours hoping to get called for a scene, or to bump into Ewan McGregor in the makeup trailer. His over-100 set hours culminated in about three seconds of screen time and rumour has it he’ll get a nod for Best Extra at the Oscars Lisa’s Choice Awards.

That’s Blake walking by the office door in a Fargo episode!

Taking a break on the mountain bike trail. It’s hard to know which trail as there have been so very many trails ridden. Possibly Superflow.

Since moving west Blake has upped his mountain biking game and recently beat that showoff Ben Smit’s Superflow time of 1:18 on Strava. He’s also practically fluent in Spanish at 55 per cent, according to Duolingo, but I think it’s from watching Family Guy‘s Best of Consuela compilations on YouTube. When not tending our bonsais or brainstorming hilarious jokes (“What was the three donkeys’ favourite geological period?” … “TriASSic!”), Blake spends his time at Okanagan College hanging out on the quad studying horticulture and landscape design, and thinking of new ways to embarrass Avery on the way to the bus stop (talking loudly in a Scottish accent seems to work best).

Speaking of Avery, she nurtured her love of living things by raising 30 frog eggs into lots of tadpoles, which turned into fewer froglets and then a final four frogs before they eventually all died. It was a very sad circle-of-life experience, but the tragedy only renewed her resolve to pester us relentlessly lobby us for MORE amphibians and reptiles. She created a PowerPoint presentation extolling the many virtues and selling points things that make ball pythons not totally despicable, including the fact they only eat one mouse a week (um, yay?!). In the end she inherited an Australian tree frog named Yoda from a new friend and is now busy farming crickets and meal worms to feed it so it doesn’t croak all night long.

Avery cuddles a joey during a visit to Kangaroo Creek Farm in Lake Country last summer.

She has begun volunteering with the local SPCA to pad her resume for vet school applications and started at a new karate dojo. Avery also enjoyed her first overnight summer camp near Peachland and completed her first adventure obstacle race, the Freak’n Farmer, in bare feet while suffering from hypothermia, thus proving that she’s a toughie who can accomplish pretty much anything she puts her mind to. She’s making lots of friends at her new school and loving grade 7!

Bennett struggled with the move and the break from his routine. Whenever he wasn’t smooshing black widow spiders with his bare hands (yes this actually happened!), or swimming in the pool until algae began to grow between his toes, we had to listen to him talk about the Calgary Zoo, Bow building, Calgary Tower, Children’s Hospital and Calaway Park for, like, ever.

Since moving to Kelowna Bennett has learned to tell the difference between wine grapes, apple trees, corn fields and pear trees.

He seemed to finally accept his new life once the big yellow school bus showed up to cart him off to public school. He has an amazing, kind and patient aide whom he keeps on her toes by picking up mini iogo yogurt containers and random cigarette butts from the schoolyard and then running away with them held up over his head like a prize. Accomplishments this past year included learning to hold his breath underwater while swimming, attending his first Easter Seals overnight camp, and riding the Mighty Moose poma lift at Fernie by himself — we have him signed up for adaptive ski lessons at Big White this winter.

Piper is wowing K-towners with her new muscular physique, achieved from regularly running 15+ km with Blake on mountain bike trails and hunting deer when we have her off leash in nature parks. She loves her new giant yard and immediately chased off a wolverine marmot that had been living under the shed. With fewer ugly black squirrels roaming our new neighbourhood, she has developed an unhealthy Chuckit! ball obsession and will stand over the ball like a dingo till someone throws it for her.

Another 2017 highlight for Piper was gnawing on her Donald Trump chew toy till his stuffing brains came out.

We went all B.C.-boho and experimented with a raw food diet for her this summer, but decided it was unsanitary when Bennett started hand-feeding her the uncooked morsels. The biggest Piper news is we have reached the limits of being able to tolerate her raunchy rot breach and have scheduled her for a dental cleaning for Christmas. Yeah, we really know how to say I love you!

The move nearly cost Lisa (that’s me!) her sanity as our moving company — Premier Van Lines, don’t hire them — turned out to suck balls. Needless to say, I have vowed to never move again. And anyway, I can’t go through the neurosis that has overtaken me since moving into a new house. I am forever tidying and cleaning, much to everyone’s annoyance. I also became hyper-vigilant with the swimming pool, which evidently you need a chemistry degree to keep clear. By the end of the summer it looked like a duck pond and the pool guy was dumping chemicals into it daily in exchange for beer. At least there’s lots of wine in the valley to help me cope stay hydrated and the Feds can’t legalize pot fast enough!

Walking the walls in Dubrovnik, a.k.a. King’s Landing.

Speaking of booze, I was really planning to give my liver a break until I landed the spirits column in Just for Canadian Dentists/Doctors magazines for 2018. Other writing opportunities have taken me to Croatia to sit on the Iron Throne and have my picture taken with Jon Snow’s mannequin likeness for a Game of Thrones story, and I even won an award for my Globe and Mail piece about travelling with Bennett.

We’re looking forward to a busy winter break that includes skiing and a holiday to Cuba with friends, and more travel and adventures in 2018!

Looking forward to some beach time to ring in 2018!

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Who is Lisa?

Lisa Kadane is a Calgary, Canada-based features writer. A former and aspiring world traveller and skier, she now has two little kids and can therefore shake a really strong but well-balanced margarita.
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