Why?

I wish all of the time I didn’t still feel like this, that I wasn’t still so sad, that I didn’t still miss him so badly. I thought for a very long time that I had my life figured out. I thought we would be together forever, that I would always have someone there for me who knew everything about me and loved me for who I was. Now I’m supposed to start all over again? Who would ever want me? I’m 27, newly divorced, fat and ugly…no one wants that. I don’t understand how I could have ****** my life up so badly. I was always afraid he would get sick of me because I wasn‘t good enough, but the fact that he cheated on me just makes it so much worse. He’s got this happy life now, with her, and I’m stuck living with my parents and working two ****** jobs to get our debts paid off. I don’t know the first thing about starting over or starting a relationship with someone else. He’s all I’ve ever known, all I’ve ever wanted, and he’ll never want me again. It hurts worse than anything I’ve ever felt before. Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere and bowls me over, and I find it hard to breathe. I’m such an idiot; it’s been almost nine months since we’ve lived together, since we’ve slept together, since we’ve really tried to love each other, and still I feel like everything in my life reminds me of him. All the time, every time I go anywhere, every sappy movie I watch, every love song I hear, every mutual friend I see, I’m reminded of him and it hurts. I’m horrible to him all the time. I’m bitchy and vengeful and vindictive and mean, it’s the only defense I have from completely falling apart every time I hear his voice. My whole life, my worth, my happiness, my dreams, were built around him. I don’t know how to be me without him. Eight years is a long time to be defined by someone else. I’ve never felt like anyone understood me or loved me the way he did. Knowing I don’t have that anymore, and never will, crushes my heart and my spirit every day. I pretend like I’m ok and go on with life as well as I can; none of the people in my world know how sad I am. It’s so hard to admit to someone that you’re weak, that you can’t handle the things that are happening in your life, that you miss the ‘******* who cheated on you.’ I am weak. I’m really struggling to handle my life right now. I miss him so badly that sometimes I don’t want to go on without him. When does it get better? What do I have to do to stop feeling this way? He obviously doesn’t love me anymore; I don’t know if he ever loved me the way that I loved him. If he did, would he have ripped out my heart and stomped on it the way he did? He says he still cares, but he’ll never really talk to me, all I ever hear is ’I don’t know what to say to you.’ The only person I’ve ever been able to be completely honest with, who I’ve trusted to know everything about me, doesn’t want to know anymore. Of all of the people in my life he’s the one I want to share this hurt with, the one who always made me feel better, who made me feel safe and loved and happy when I was scared and upset. But he’s also the one person I can’t talk to. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever felt, knowing the person I want most to understand and care has absolutely no desire to. I wish I could stop myself from caring, but I don’t know how. It hurts more than I ever thought it could.

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