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Tuesday, May 16, 2017

If you'd like to read the first 500 words of the manuscript (and its critique) that this query represents, go here.

When I read a query, or query blurb of a story, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:

Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? What's at stake--and for your final hook, what specific obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal?

If a query can outline that in under 250 words, it's a winner. So let's take a look at this query and see how it stacks up:

ORIGINAL MATERIAL:

Obsessed with his father’s murder, Leonidas
discovers he’s a descendant of the legendary monster hunter Abraham van
Helsing. This heritage makes him a target of the monsters responsible for his
dad’s death.

When descendants turn thirteen, they exude a scent
marking them to the occult, which explains his attack by werewolves. Except,
he’s only twelve. Which may signify that a darker destiny awaits him.

Leo’s whisked away to a secret school, nestled deep
in the Adirondack Mountains. There he’s told about a lost prophecy foretelling
of one with special powers who could bring an end to the war of the immortals.
A war, humankind is losing.

Mentored by several instructors, a vampire and
werewolf among them, Leo begins to develop unique talents. Powers that, despite
his reluctance, force him to accept the corollary between he and the “chosen
one.”

When the sanctuary of the school is infiltrated by
the enemy, he must race to dig deeper into the mystery of the prophecy—human
history, mythology and folklore—to save himself, his family, and friends.

Because if evidence of the occult’s existence is
hidden in plain sight throughout history—who’s responsible for putting it
there?

And what do they know about Leo?

Perhaps the only thing worse than being the chosen
one is finding out that you’re not.

CRITIQUE:

Obsessed with his father’s murder, Leonidas
discovers he’s a descendant of the legendary monster hunter Abraham van
Helsing. This heritage makes him a target of the monsters responsible for his
dad’s death.

Great opening line, though the last
sentence is a little wordy—you don’t need the heritage bit. Just state that he’s
a target. Get the reader there as succinctly as possible.

When descendants turn thirteen,

Descendants of what? It can’t be just this
man, because there’s only one. So either remove “descedants” or flesh it out
with “descendents of …”

they exude a scent marking them to the occult, which
explains his attack by werewolves. Except, he’s only twelve. Which may signify
that a darker destiny awaits him.

This paragraph was the only one in the
query that I had to re-read to understand. It’s kind of a weird structure. We’re
just backhandedly throwing in an attack by werewolves. Oh, and the statement at
the beginning doesn’t actually apply? I know that’s not your intention, but I’d
work on this and write it in a linear fashion so X, equals Y, which raises Z issue.

Leo’s whisked away to a secret school, nestled deep
in the Adirondack Mountains. There he’s told about a lost prophecy foretelling
of one with special powers who could bring an end to the war of the immortals.
A war, humankind is losing.

This is great, but sounding very much like Rick Riordan’s Percy
Jackson series. And although you definitely want to connect with that audience,
I’m getting the first flash here that we might have what effectively amounts to
a retelling. Try to hit a point of difference to assuage that concern.

To improve the impact, remove the
melodramatic words phrasings like “the one” and replace with modern day things
like “boy”. Special powers could become “abilities”, that sort of thing. Ground
it in the here and now so we get a true sense that there’s this real, hidden
world we’re about to be introduced to (which is a lot more fun, in my opinion,
than just a straight fantasy—but that’s
subjective).

Mentored by several instructors, a vampire and
werewolf among them, Leo begins to develop unique talents. Powers that, despite
his reluctance, force him to accept the corollary between he and the “chosen
one.”

Definitely getting a “Percy Jackson
lookalike” feel. That aside (because not all agents will think that’s a bad
thing), extra words and dramatic phrasings are getting in your way: Mentored by
several instructors, including a vampire and a werewolf, Leo’s unique talents develop
despite his reluctance. He’s forced to accept that he may be the prophesied boy.

Mine’s five words shorter, and can you see
how it’s more “this world”, and active?

When the sanctuary of the school is infiltrated by
the enemy, he must race to dig deeper into the mystery of the prophecy—human
history, mythology and folklore—to save himself, his family, and friends.

I’d be more specific on “enemy”. Tell us
exactly what it is—we don’t need it’s history, or anything to make the
paragraph too long. Just a specific reference so we know what Leo wants to
beat.

Again, there’s a little melodrama and some
extra words. You don’t need to mention the prophecy again, we already know that’s
the basis of the beliefs around this. I’d just have him dig deeper into human
history, mythology and folklore (which is the truly intriguing part of stories
like this—where they intersect with our real lives and mythology). I’d also
simplify and say “save himself and everyone he loves.” It’s actually got more
impact and gives you a reason to care about Leo.

Because if evidence of the occult’s existence is
hidden in plain sight throughout history—who’s responsible for putting it
there?

That wouldn’t be my first question. My
first question would be, how has it stayed hidden?

And what do they know about Leo?

Yep, good. That’s very close to the key—I think you
want to go a step further. It needs to be a statement, not a question. And it
needs to show what’s at stake:

We know there’s a prophecy, a war, and Leo’s
probably the key to winning. So what do they want with him? Just state it. Don’t
make it a question. “Leo must stay alive long enough to do X, and stop Y
happening.”

Perhaps the only thing worse than being the chosen
one is finding out that you’re not.

Wait, what? (See summary)

SUMMARY:

I’ll be completely honest: Nothing in this blurb
indicates that Leo isn’t the chosen one. If he isn’t why are we following him
through a book? That makes me think this last question is an author vehicle to
make me think he’s not, when we’re
going to discover that he actually is. (Which won’t be a shock, because,
spoiler alert: There’s a book about him.)

What’s your major obstacle for Leo? Is it knowing
whether he’s chosen or not? Or is it what he’ll be tasked with because he is?
Because if he is the chosen one, this
last sentence needs to be cut and replaced with something that indicates Leo
could die (or fail) and what the consequence of that would be. Because that’s where your meat is.

Most of this query content read quite strongly until
that last line. That made me go back and ask myself what I missed—which lowers
my trust in the author. You don’t want to do that. It feels like you set up one
book, then threw another one at me at the last minute.

Query should show your main character, their
setting, who/what they’re fighting against, what the conflict is, and what’s at
stake. It shouldn’t tell the reader how Leo
will survive/win. But it should demonstrate that he has to—and what will happen
if he doesn’t.

I hope I’ve given you enough guidance to make that
happen, because having read your first chapter, I know there’s some great ideas
here. You want to do them justice in this little outline!