“I HAVEN’T BEEN ON TELEVISION IN OVER A WEEK,” COMPLAINS FAMED DEFENSE ATTORNEY

PITTSBURGH - A somber Jim Ecker met with reporters in his downtown office this morning to ask for assistance in maintaining a high public profile. “It’s been over one week, and no one has had the decency to commit a barbaric act against a helpless member of our community,” lamented Ecker. “I’m starting to get nervous. Do you realize how much it costs to spend fourteen hours a day in a tanning salon?”

Mr. Ecker said something needed to be done, and soon. “If there are any sociopaths out there contemplating a murderous spree, don’t put it off any longer. Do it today.” The well-known attorney was asked what it would take to get him back on the evening news. “Best case scenario, an illegal immigrant mows down a group of elderly VFW members on their way into Jerome Bettis’s restaurant. That would infuriate the maximum amount of people, and keep my face on screen for days.” Asked if he wanted the illegal immigrant to slaughter a litter of puppies and kittens before being apprehended by police, Ecker’s eyes lit up. “I hadn’t thought of that,” he said, leaning forward in his chair. “That’s a nice touch!”

While the horrific act requested hasn’t yet been committed, one thing remains certain. “My client will be extremely remorseful,” said Ecker. “And innocent of all charges.”

Editor's note: Mr. Ecker was retained to represent one of the Larimer mothers whose children died in a fire after being left alone.