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Weekly Gripe: The Film Titanic is Nothing but a Tale About a Rich Woman that Settles for a Poor Guy and then Murders Him in the North Atlantic...Get Over It

By Josh Brown

Begin Rant:

So, I’m tired of people saying how great and romantic the film Titanic was. Give me a break! Yes, the special effects were visually amazing. Yes, the ship looked great. My issue isn’t with the production value of the film, it’s with the shipwreck of a story I had to endure for three and a half hours.So this woman (Rose) comes on to the ship and pretty much destroys everything she touches.She is unhappy with her soon to be super rich husband (poor thing), throws a tantrum, and tries to jump off the ship. Jack, a poor selfless kid that seems to travel the world drawing nude amputee portraitures (really watch the movie again, he does) rushes to her safety. Jack eventually wins over Rose’s love when he teaches her how to spit, and a weird relationship forms.

So, on to the murder; the ship hits the iceberg blah blah, sinking blah blah blah. Now, Jack and her millionaire fiancé put Rose safely on one of the first life boats (poor Rose).

So, the story is over right?Rose was safe? Nope, she jumps out of the lifeboat, forcing Jack to run around the ship for like a half an hour until all of the life boats are gone.So the ship sinks, and one floating piece of something is all that protects Jack and Rose from the freezing North Atlantic.Thank God they are safe! Oh… Wait… only room for Rose?So, Rose wants to stretch out I guess, meaning Jack needs to float around the freezing water for the night.It’s okay though; he will get to spend his last few moments alive reassuring the person that is sitting in safety that everything will be okay.

This is a romantic story?If I did the same thing, I would be one of those guys on a Dateline mystery show in an orange jump suit.Imagine I took my girlfriend (of like 2 days) out on a canoe trip on a freezing lake.The canoe sinks, and only I make it to safety…picture this police interview:

Police: Tell us what happened last night.

Me: Well, my girlfriend and I went on a canoe trip; the canoe hit something and sank.We were both in the freezing water, but then I propped myself onto a large piece of the floating debris.

Police:Why didn’t you put your girlfriend on the floating debris too?

Me: I tried, but a little water splashed on me, so I immediately gave up.

Police: How many times did you try?

Me: I tried one time.

Police: Then what happened?

Me: As she froze to death in the water, I told her how much I cared for her.I then told her I would never let go of her.

Police:What did you do when you saw she was dead?

Me: I immediately let go of her and let her body sink to the dark depths of the lakes bottom.

Police: Then what happened?

Me: I made it to safety.

Police: So, you have the right to remain silent…

Beautiful story? Nope, murder (manslaughter at the very least) plain and simple.

Don’t even get me started on the story of Old Rose in the movie.A research ship spending millions looking for a historic relic on the bottom of the ocean, senile old woman is flown in with information on where to find this relic, slow talking old woman bores the crew with three and a half hour story about how she murdered a poor boy, and then sneaks out on the deck of the research ship and throws the relic (that she had been hiding in her pocket) into the ocean. Um, thanks Old Rose, good to see you haven’t become a better person with age.

Okay, one more thing…

So at some point boring Old Rose said she got married after the Titanic sank and lived a long good life; that’s cool and all, but the second Rose died, she turned into Young Rose and ran into the arms of Jack on the Titanic’s grand staircase.So she was married to a guy for like 75 years, but in the afterlife she quickly ran into the arms of a guy she knew for only 48 hours when she was 17 years old...

Good to see Past Rose, Present Rose, and Future Rose were despicable people.