Thursday, June 28, 2007

She sits on a cold metal bench, her shoe slipping on and off the heel of the foot that dangles from one crossed leg. On, off, on, off in time to the beat of the tinny buzz emanating from her earphones. Eye closed and head back, the world is orange psychadelia behind her eyelids.

"Stand well away from the platform edge. The next train is not scheduled to stop at this station." She doesn't move.

On the train she avoids catching the eye of the other passengers. She does not want to meet anyone's gaze. Instead as she passes each white station she counts the points of the lacy wooden edges till they are replace by water. Then she counts boats, contrasting flashing waves with white hulls. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

"Change here for services to Portsmouth and Worthing" She flinches.

Small talk comes easily. As long as her mind keeps ticking over, isn't left alone, she copes. The buzz of computers and the clatter of fingers on keyboards are welcoming static. Making friends as easily as she looses them.

"Good afternoon, how can I help you?" Her eyes don't move.

Trying not to sing out loud as she walks home, she knows people are looking. She can't help it. Don't look down the road, don't look down the road. Flashbacks and flashforwards. Leaving home mere seconds after entering it. Trying to fill the gaps with song and dance.

"It's complicated... this time, I think it could be.Triangulated, it could be just what we need...So what you say... we give it up and walk away? Nothing to salvage, anyway." She changes the song. Grins to herself and clips her heels and really dances.

"Why d'ya have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you Must you make me laugh so much It's bad enough we get along so well Say goodnight and go"My makeup may be flaking eh T?

She sits on a cold metal bench, her shoe slipping on and off the heel of the foot that dangles from one crossed leg. On, off, on, off in time to the beat of the tinny buzz emanating from her earphones. Eye closed and head back, the world is orange psychadelia behind her eyelids.

"Stand well away from the platform edge. The next train is not scheduled to stop at this station." She doesn't move.

On the train she avoids catching the eye of the other passengers. She does not want to meet anyone's gaze. Instead as she passes each white station she counts the points of the lacy wooden edges till they are replace by water. Then she counts boats, contrasting flashing waves with white hulls. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

"Change here for services to Portsmouth and Worthing" She flinches.

Small talk comes easily. As long as her mind keeps ticking over, isn't left alone, she copes. The buzz of computers and the clatter of fingers on keyboards are welcoming static. Making friends as easily as she looses them.

"Good afternoon, how can I help you?" Her eyes don't move.

Trying not to sing out loud as she walks home, she knows people are looking. She can't help it. Don't look down the road, don't look down the road. Flashbacks and flashforwards. Leaving home mere seconds after entering it. Trying to fill the gaps with song and dance.

"It's complicated... this time, I think it could be.Triangulated, it could be just what we need...So what you say... we give it up and walk away? Nothing to salvage, anyway." She changes the song. Grins to herself and clips her heels and really dances.

"Why d'ya have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you Must you make me laugh so much It's bad enough we get along so well Say goodnight and go"My makeup may be flaking eh T?

Friday, June 22, 2007

Laziness, procrastination, fear, loathing. Just words to some, but for others these are the words that hold us back. “I’ll lie in today.” “I’ll go to the gym after work instead.” “I’ll stay in because if I go to that party I’ll only know one person and I’m afraid of having no one to talk to” “I look dreadful, I can’t wear that …x or y or z…”

I know these are things that really affect me. I stop myself from being happy and make my life harder by not making an effort and this is something I’m going to change.

Take last night. I was feeling a bit ill during the day at work, and was going to miss out on the pub quiz because, if I’m honest, I couldn’t be bothered. But I went because I wanted to see my friends. I even made an effort with my Hawaiian outfit, because well, it was the last quiz of the year and its supposed to be summer. Once there, along side being picked up and put outside the pub by the quizmaster for daring to turn up (long story…) and making people smile with our outfits, I was so pleased to have made the effort.

We won the quiz. The last quiz of the year was the first win of the term for the Blue Circles. Thanks to some clever timing on the killer round we managed to win. I’m so glad I went.

Tonight I’m going to a gig with a new friend. New people, new places. I don’t want to live a half hearted life anymore. I only get one, so I’m going to try and fill it with experiences. ‘A life lived in fear is a life half lived’ to quote Baz Luhrmann’s Strictly Ballroom.

And anyone out there got any book on a) Aramaic, b) Jerusalem through the ages, or c) biblical textiles? I want to do some summer reading.... :o)

Laziness, procrastination, fear, loathing. Just words to some, but for others these are the words that hold us back. “I’ll lie in today.” “I’ll go to the gym after work instead.” “I’ll stay in because if I go to that party I’ll only know one person and I’m afraid of having no one to talk to” “I look dreadful, I can’t wear that …x or y or z…”

I know these are things that really affect me. I stop myself from being happy and make my life harder by not making an effort and this is something I’m going to change.

Take last night. I was feeling a bit ill during the day at work, and was going to miss out on the pub quiz because, if I’m honest, I couldn’t be bothered. But I went because I wanted to see my friends. I even made an effort with my Hawaiian outfit, because well, it was the last quiz of the year and its supposed to be summer. Once there, along side being picked up and put outside the pub by the quizmaster for daring to turn up (long story…) and making people smile with our outfits, I was so pleased to have made the effort.

We won the quiz. The last quiz of the year was the first win of the term for the Blue Circles. Thanks to some clever timing on the killer round we managed to win. I’m so glad I went.

Tonight I’m going to a gig with a new friend. New people, new places. I don’t want to live a half hearted life anymore. I only get one, so I’m going to try and fill it with experiences. ‘A life lived in fear is a life half lived’ to quote Baz Luhrmann’s Strictly Ballroom.

And anyone out there got any book on a) Aramaic, b) Jerusalem through the ages, or c) biblical textiles? I want to do some summer reading.... :o)

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Amy has been worrying about me so here is a post to set her mind at ease.

To sum up in a nutshell, I've been out. Lots. In fact this week I will have been out every night this week. Though I promise this will not be a new trend with Alex as its just the end of term madness. When people go home for the summer I will back to normal.

So....it started with a mask.. how did it end up like this?Well you see it started on Thursday. We love quizmaster Dave. He is funny, witty, acidic, wise and full of anecdotes. He likes to terrorise and tease our quiz team when we do the quiz on Thursdays at the Stile. So we arranged revenge, giving out masks to everyone we knew in the pub and wearing black to emulate him. It freaked him out something rotten. Then we saw this...At which point we got one of our team members not immortalised in poster form to hand us in to the quiz master to claim our bonus. He didn't give it to us, but we did come second and much drinking happenned thanks to our winnings. Post being pratts in the pub, Tom, John and I boogied on down in the Cube, corrupting the darling fresher that is John, who in his innocence has never been to the union nightclub. It was supposed to be Scott Mills night, but the esteemed (or so I've heard) DJ was ill. We raved anyway.

I can't honestly remember what I did on Friday. Oh yes I spent most of Friday in bed feeling sick. Not with a hangover! Just doubled up with pain. Because I'm like that and get sick sometimes.

Saturday was a mammoth cleaning session with Cecil, feeding QM Dave on his break from work and having a second tea at Tom's house. The kitchen is now shiny bar the pasta Hannah got on the work surface today. Tsk!

And Sunday well...Sunday was shopping with KARUNA! We were horribly girly and I loved it. She's my barbie doll. All blonde and silky! Here she is in the fantastic outfit we picked out together. The dress is from the kids section of Benneton. You'd never know.

I also went to a SUSO concert with Kate. Absolutely breathtaking. I love the wall of sound feeling you get with a live orchestra. The program was as follows:

Borodin: Polovtsian Dances from Prince Igor*

Copland: Appalachian Spring

Strauss: Suite from der Rosenkavalier

Bernstein: Symphonic Dances from West Side Story

I loved the 2nd and 3rd pieces, but the highlight was the orchestra shouting "Mambo!" in the Symphonic Dances. I kept wanting to leap up and dance my way through it. I have plans afoot for the summer....I feel a carnival festival with orchestra and dancing on the horizon.During the shopping trip I purchased a very ridiculous dress that I appear to have shrunk in the was and now really is a top. Oh well. It looked great on the night. I began the evening looking like this....

Things got a bit hotter....

I did the Beyonce dance....

And spent the rest of the night dancing away. It was grand. I met some lovely phyicists. There was a guy there doing actual rock and roll and boy was that fun. Here is a pic of me and Karuna dancing.

And one of Mel and Andy. Andy is a very good dancer. Just needs a few pints in him

Now Tuesday was rushing for trains and smiling at strangers and rushing home from work and bowling with the groupies. In which I did appallingly, but again, I'm just here for comedy value. Andy was dancing there too!Tuesday was also carnage at Jesters for the last HistSoc social. Kudos to Jess (who has a blog here btw) for giving me a lift there. Dressed as some sort of raving school girl and armed with a glostick I proceeded to attack poor physicists, get horribly drunk (which I don't do often Uncle Kelvin I promise..ssh!) and bless those physicists little cotton socks they got me home. I owe them hugs drinks or cake, whatever they prefer!

Today has been work. I forgot to tell you about work. I'm working at Pickfords again, this time in Fareham, working on typing up the quotes for removals and so on. Not especially interesting, but it's very busy. And Dave's always on the email when I've got a spare moment. Send me one too if you have a min and you can be my reason to smile for that hour. I'm getting on fine. I love being busy busy busy. Tonight was also tea with Tom which was a nice chance to catch up and catch my breath a bit.

Tomorrow will see me at the quiz trying to win for the last time this term. We have a plan. Mwahahah. Friday is dancing on the tables for Jess' birthday, Saturday is the Cube dressed in 70's sports wear, Sunday is Father Mike's leaving celdih which means swishy skirts for swirling.

Then I am going to spend the rest of the month packing up my house ready for the big move.

I was right about my marks for the year btw. I got 50% in my final Latin exam which really brought my marks down to 60% overall. I am very disappointed and it will make me work year.So I suppose its a good thing. If I can get two more firsts, I may get a first overall for the degree. Which would be good.

I am feeling very cheery this week. I love being busy. When I walked up to Avenue campus on Sunday to hand something back to my tutor, I was feeling very vibrant and alert and I counted 10 squirrels in the trees of the common. They were bounding around, scampering and made me want to scamper about as well. *scampers* I love the way they move so sinuously.heWell I better go to bed, but first, what does it mean to drop melons on people in your dreams?

The Dream:I was stood in the window of an appartment building watching the world go by on a busy city street below. I was very high up. I was holding a watermelon and was going to drop it out the window. Andrew, the brother of my childhood friend Erica ran over to me and told me not to drop the melon as I could kill someone.

The Interpretation:To dream that you are looking out the window, signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness, point of view, awareness, and intuition. You may be reflecting on a decision and seeking guidance. Or you need to go out into the larger world and experience life.

To dream that you are at a great height, signifies that you have reached one of your highest goals or objectives. To dream that you are watching something, represents you lack of initiative to take a position or action. The dream may also symbolize your neutrality in some situation. You do not want to take a side. To see a city in your dream, signifies a sense of community and your social environment. To see a watermelon in your dream, represents emotions of love, desire,� lust, and fiery passion.� Pregnant women or women on the verge of their menstrual cycle often dream of such fruits, as watermelons. Alternatively, watermelons may be associated with summertime ease, leisure, and relaxation. To dream that you are dropping things, indicates that you are letting go some project, relationship, person, or idea. Also analyze the significance of what is being dropped. Alternatively, it may represent your carelessness. Perhaps you are expressing some dismay or regret in how you let something slip through fingers.

To dream that you killed someone, forewarns that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Identity the characteristics of the person that you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards this person in your waking life. You may be expressing some rage or hatred toward this person.

To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions.

This dream may also represent a part of you or your life that you wish would leave you alone and stop creating a nuisance. Killing may represent the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits.

Amy has been worrying about me so here is a post to set her mind at ease.

To sum up in a nutshell, I've been out. Lots. In fact this week I will have been out every night this week. Though I promise this will not be a new trend with Alex as its just the end of term madness. When people go home for the summer I will back to normal.

So....it started with a mask.. how did it end up like this?Well you see it started on Thursday. We love quizmaster Dave. He is funny, witty, acidic, wise and full of anecdotes. He likes to terrorise and tease our quiz team when we do the quiz on Thursdays at the Stile. So we arranged revenge, giving out masks to everyone we knew in the pub and wearing black to emulate him. It freaked him out something rotten. Then we saw this...At which point we got one of our team members not immortalised in poster form to hand us in to the quiz master to claim our bonus. He didn't give it to us, but we did come second and much drinking happenned thanks to our winnings. Post being pratts in the pub, Tom, John and I boogied on down in the Cube, corrupting the darling fresher that is John, who in his innocence has never been to the union nightclub. It was supposed to be Scott Mills night, but the esteemed (or so I've heard) DJ was ill. We raved anyway.

I can't honestly remember what I did on Friday. Oh yes I spent most of Friday in bed feeling sick. Not with a hangover! Just doubled up with pain. Because I'm like that and get sick sometimes.

Saturday was a mammoth cleaning session with Cecil, feeding QM Dave on his break from work and having a second tea at Tom's house. The kitchen is now shiny bar the pasta Hannah got on the work surface today. Tsk!

And Sunday well...Sunday was shopping with KARUNA! We were horribly girly and I loved it. She's my barbie doll. All blonde and silky! Here she is in the fantastic outfit we picked out together. The dress is from the kids section of Benneton. You'd never know.

I also went to a SUSO concert with Kate. Absolutely breathtaking. I love the wall of sound feeling you get with a live orchestra. The program was as follows:

Borodin: Polovtsian Dances from Prince Igor*

Copland: Appalachian Spring

Strauss: Suite from der Rosenkavalier

Bernstein: Symphonic Dances from West Side Story

I loved the 2nd and 3rd pieces, but the highlight was the orchestra shouting "Mambo!" in the Symphonic Dances. I kept wanting to leap up and dance my way through it. I have plans afoot for the summer....I feel a carnival festival with orchestra and dancing on the horizon.During the shopping trip I purchased a very ridiculous dress that I appear to have shrunk in the was and now really is a top. Oh well. It looked great on the night. I began the evening looking like this....

Things got a bit hotter....

I did the Beyonce dance....

And spent the rest of the night dancing away. It was grand. I met some lovely phyicists. There was a guy there doing actual rock and roll and boy was that fun. Here is a pic of me and Karuna dancing.

And one of Mel and Andy. Andy is a very good dancer. Just needs a few pints in him

Now Tuesday was rushing for trains and smiling at strangers and rushing home from work and bowling with the groupies. In which I did appallingly, but again, I'm just here for comedy value. Andy was dancing there too!Tuesday was also carnage at Jesters for the last HistSoc social. Kudos to Jess (who has a blog here btw) for giving me a lift there. Dressed as some sort of raving school girl and armed with a glostick I proceeded to attack poor physicists, get horribly drunk (which I don't do often Uncle Kelvin I promise..ssh!) and bless those physicists little cotton socks they got me home. I owe them hugs drinks or cake, whatever they prefer!

Today has been work. I forgot to tell you about work. I'm working at Pickfords again, this time in Fareham, working on typing up the quotes for removals and so on. Not especially interesting, but it's very busy. And Dave's always on the email when I've got a spare moment. Send me one too if you have a min and you can be my reason to smile for that hour. I'm getting on fine. I love being busy busy busy. Tonight was also tea with Tom which was a nice chance to catch up and catch my breath a bit.

Tomorrow will see me at the quiz trying to win for the last time this term. We have a plan. Mwahahah. Friday is dancing on the tables for Jess' birthday, Saturday is the Cube dressed in 70's sports wear, Sunday is Father Mike's leaving celdih which means swishy skirts for swirling.

Then I am going to spend the rest of the month packing up my house ready for the big move.

I was right about my marks for the year btw. I got 50% in my final Latin exam which really brought my marks down to 60% overall. I am very disappointed and it will make me work year.So I suppose its a good thing. If I can get two more firsts, I may get a first overall for the degree. Which would be good.

I am feeling very cheery this week. I love being busy. When I walked up to Avenue campus on Sunday to hand something back to my tutor, I was feeling very vibrant and alert and I counted 10 squirrels in the trees of the common. They were bounding around, scampering and made me want to scamper about as well. *scampers* I love the way they move so sinuously.heWell I better go to bed, but first, what does it mean to drop melons on people in your dreams?

The Dream:I was stood in the window of an appartment building watching the world go by on a busy city street below. I was very high up. I was holding a watermelon and was going to drop it out the window. Andrew, the brother of my childhood friend Erica ran over to me and told me not to drop the melon as I could kill someone.

The Interpretation:To dream that you are looking out the window, signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness, point of view, awareness, and intuition. You may be reflecting on a decision and seeking guidance. Or you need to go out into the larger world and experience life.

To dream that you are at a great height, signifies that you have reached one of your highest goals or objectives. To dream that you are watching something, represents you lack of initiative to take a position or action. The dream may also symbolize your neutrality in some situation. You do not want to take a side. To see a city in your dream, signifies a sense of community and your social environment. To see a watermelon in your dream, represents emotions of love, desire,� lust, and fiery passion.� Pregnant women or women on the verge of their menstrual cycle often dream of such fruits, as watermelons. Alternatively, watermelons may be associated with summertime ease, leisure, and relaxation. To dream that you are dropping things, indicates that you are letting go some project, relationship, person, or idea. Also analyze the significance of what is being dropped. Alternatively, it may represent your carelessness. Perhaps you are expressing some dismay or regret in how you let something slip through fingers.

To dream that you killed someone, forewarns that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Identity the characteristics of the person that you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards this person in your waking life. You may be expressing some rage or hatred toward this person.

To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions.

This dream may also represent a part of you or your life that you wish would leave you alone and stop creating a nuisance. Killing may represent the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I had my kind of job interview go see thingy, (its a technical term) and that's going to be a fairly friendly place to work. It was glorious weather and I sat on the train and read my book bathed in gold as I zoomed home. I also walked a random way from the station in order to get home and got to climb an interesting gravel shortcut.

Then it was more frenzy! Today was Ballet day. I've been saying to those who know me all year that I wanted to get back to ballet. Well today, I stopped complaining that I couldn't afford it and just decided to go. So I did. This meant finding all my dance kit out, and I have to say with the weight I've lost recently, I look pretty fab in a leotard now.

I also went to see Ruth, the gf of the spanish guitarist Sam who lived in halls with me, play flute in her performance exam. It was amazing! The first piece was all modern and angsty, and the second more classical and fluid. I don't know what she was playing as there were no programmes, but I loved it. I was sat there with my eyes closed and my head bobbing and swaying.

I spent the rest of the afternoon schooling Tom in the way of the jive turn in preparation of a night of dancing at the Physics ball on Monday. He got it by the end of our little dance lesson, and is especially good at pulling on the arm of his partner hard enough in a closed hold to make them spin away at great speed. Nice one!

I also got to see the inside of my new house for the first time and that made me sooooooooo excited! I have a decent sized room this year, and a double bed and its going to be nice. Hopefully it will actually be finished by July!

But the Ballet! Oh the Ballet!

I've been going to the gym, I've danced a variety of dance genres, but two years away from a proper ballet class shows. My lovingly gym crafted thigh muscles are not the ones you use to keep yourself balanced on one leg, stable on point shoes or to jumpstart you into a fast allegro phrase. Those gym muscles just shook and shook and shook. But it was great really great to be dancing again. Even though the class was fast paced, quite different to the format of my old classes and I struggled to get the steps in the right order everytime, I just loved the feel of it. The teacher said that I was definately right to try the advanced class, rather than going into the beginners as my barre work was excellent, and the rest will come back with practice and time. So a huge thanks to Kate who I met through the History Group project for encouraging me to come along to a lesson. It was so releasing to fall in love with my hands as we went through a port de bra, or feel my core muscles twinge and expand as we leapt our way through busy allegro. I even did some basic pointe work, and whilst turns were out of my league today, my twinkle toes still seem to be working. Inclining my head to the opposite foot at the bar, balancing and breathing slowly, I just felt that scrap more alive. The burgeoning blisters helped with that as well.

Finally I made better friends with another Kate, who worked behind the bar at the Stile during my first year, a maths finalist who also does ballet. Turns out she remembers the ECS guys who came in nearly every lunch time, and the lot who would come to the Stile on Sundays at 7pm. We went for a drink at where else but the Stile, and got to know each other a bit better, and agreed to go see the SUSO concert on Sunday night. Its such a pleasant coinsidence, as I remember watching Kate banter with the customers last year, and thinking about what a witty and amusing person she was.

I had my kind of job interview go see thingy, (its a technical term) and that's going to be a fairly friendly place to work. It was glorious weather and I sat on the train and read my book bathed in gold as I zoomed home. I also walked a random way from the station in order to get home and got to climb an interesting gravel shortcut.

Then it was more frenzy! Today was Ballet day. I've been saying to those who know me all year that I wanted to get back to ballet. Well today, I stopped complaining that I couldn't afford it and just decided to go. So I did. This meant finding all my dance kit out, and I have to say with the weight I've lost recently, I look pretty fab in a leotard now.

I also went to see Ruth, the gf of the spanish guitarist Sam who lived in halls with me, play flute in her performance exam. It was amazing! The first piece was all modern and angsty, and the second more classical and fluid. I don't know what she was playing as there were no programmes, but I loved it. I was sat there with my eyes closed and my head bobbing and swaying.

I spent the rest of the afternoon schooling Tom in the way of the jive turn in preparation of a night of dancing at the Physics ball on Monday. He got it by the end of our little dance lesson, and is especially good at pulling on the arm of his partner hard enough in a closed hold to make them spin away at great speed. Nice one!

I also got to see the inside of my new house for the first time and that made me sooooooooo excited! I have a decent sized room this year, and a double bed and its going to be nice. Hopefully it will actually be finished by July!

But the Ballet! Oh the Ballet!

I've been going to the gym, I've danced a variety of dance genres, but two years away from a proper ballet class shows. My lovingly gym crafted thigh muscles are not the ones you use to keep yourself balanced on one leg, stable on point shoes or to jumpstart you into a fast allegro phrase. Those gym muscles just shook and shook and shook. But it was great really great to be dancing again. Even though the class was fast paced, quite different to the format of my old classes and I struggled to get the steps in the right order everytime, I just loved the feel of it. The teacher said that I was definately right to try the advanced class, rather than going into the beginners as my barre work was excellent, and the rest will come back with practice and time. So a huge thanks to Kate who I met through the History Group project for encouraging me to come along to a lesson. It was so releasing to fall in love with my hands as we went through a port de bra, or feel my core muscles twinge and expand as we leapt our way through busy allegro. I even did some basic pointe work, and whilst turns were out of my league today, my twinkle toes still seem to be working. Inclining my head to the opposite foot at the bar, balancing and breathing slowly, I just felt that scrap more alive. The burgeoning blisters helped with that as well.

Finally I made better friends with another Kate, who worked behind the bar at the Stile during my first year, a maths finalist who also does ballet. Turns out she remembers the ECS guys who came in nearly every lunch time, and the lot who would come to the Stile on Sundays at 7pm. We went for a drink at where else but the Stile, and got to know each other a bit better, and agreed to go see the SUSO concert on Sunday night. Its such a pleasant coinsidence, as I remember watching Kate banter with the customers last year, and thinking about what a witty and amusing person she was.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

So I slept muchly, revised a little and was made calming cups of tea by Andy and Jess and Tom. The exam came and went, and in all honesty it was horrid, with my running out of things to stay and not many facts. But it is done and I am free for the year.

Which meant drinking.

At last.

I went to the Stile and settled down with my pint and ate food and talked random nonsense until 2 in the morning. It was unnerving because a) I met someone who's parents moved to Westbury in March, and b) someone who knows both my godparents, and is the nephew of Jimmy Young.

Now people generally don't move to Westbury, its major highlights being the White Horse on the hill and the station that gets you out of there. Most of the people I know who actively moved there are commuters drawn by cheap house prices. So it was very very odd to be drawing maps of the place to work out if I knew what was effectively this guys new house. Which I did.

As for the other bloke who knew my godparents, that's less alarming but still cool, as he is from Highfield. Which they are from.

It does now however mean my six degrees of separation just amazingly better and cyclical.

So I slept muchly, revised a little and was made calming cups of tea by Andy and Jess and Tom. The exam came and went, and in all honesty it was horrid, with my running out of things to stay and not many facts. But it is done and I am free for the year.

Which meant drinking.

At last.

I went to the Stile and settled down with my pint and ate food and talked random nonsense until 2 in the morning. It was unnerving because a) I met someone who's parents moved to Westbury in March, and b) someone who knows both my godparents, and is the nephew of Jimmy Young.

Now people generally don't move to Westbury, its major highlights being the White Horse on the hill and the station that gets you out of there. Most of the people I know who actively moved there are commuters drawn by cheap house prices. So it was very very odd to be drawing maps of the place to work out if I knew what was effectively this guys new house. Which I did.

As for the other bloke who knew my godparents, that's less alarming but still cool, as he is from Highfield. Which they are from.

It does now however mean my six degrees of separation just amazingly better and cyclical.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Dream:I was walking around an autumnal university campus, showing my sister the buildings of the engineering department. I was surrounded by my extended family. We looked at half built planes, and I had to explain to my gran how the lecture theatres of the building extended out without support using counter balance/tension. Then I suddenly realised I had an exam, and my dad gave me a lift to the exam hall.

Interpretation: To dream of autumn, indicates that something is about to come to an end and something new will begin. Alternatively the dream is symbolic of the cycle of life.

To dream that you are in college, indicates that you are going through some social or cultural changes. You may be wanting to expand your knowledge and awareness. It also suggest that now is a good time for you to experiment and try new things. If you had gone to college in your past, then also consider your personal experiences and memories of your college days. However, if you are currently in college, then it may be a reflection of your current surroundings. It may also represent stress.

To dream of engineering, represents your ability to create and to manipulate the external world. You are feeling empowered. To see your sister in your dream, symbolizes some aspect of your relationship with her, whether it one of sibling rivalry, caring, protectiveness, etc. Your sister may draw attention to your family role and sense of belonging. It may also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has characteristics similar to your sister.

To see your own family in your dream, represents security, warmth and love. Consider also the significance of a particular family member or the relationship you have with them.

To see an airplane in your dream, indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise above to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness.

To dream that you are late, denotes your fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity. You may feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances. Additionally, you may be overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future. You feel time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want.

To dream that you are taking an exam, signifies insecurities, fear of not meeting others' expectations, and fear of failure.

Dream:I was walking around an autumnal university campus, showing my sister the buildings of the engineering department. I was surrounded by my extended family. We looked at half built planes, and I had to explain to my gran how the lecture theatres of the building extended out without support using counter balance/tension. Then I suddenly realised I had an exam, and my dad gave me a lift to the exam hall.

Interpretation: To dream of autumn, indicates that something is about to come to an end and something new will begin. Alternatively the dream is symbolic of the cycle of life.

To dream that you are in college, indicates that you are going through some social or cultural changes. You may be wanting to expand your knowledge and awareness. It also suggest that now is a good time for you to experiment and try new things. If you had gone to college in your past, then also consider your personal experiences and memories of your college days. However, if you are currently in college, then it may be a reflection of your current surroundings. It may also represent stress.

To dream of engineering, represents your ability to create and to manipulate the external world. You are feeling empowered. To see your sister in your dream, symbolizes some aspect of your relationship with her, whether it one of sibling rivalry, caring, protectiveness, etc. Your sister may draw attention to your family role and sense of belonging. It may also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has characteristics similar to your sister.

To see your own family in your dream, represents security, warmth and love. Consider also the significance of a particular family member or the relationship you have with them.

To see an airplane in your dream, indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise above to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness.

To dream that you are late, denotes your fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity. You may feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances. Additionally, you may be overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future. You feel time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want.

To dream that you are taking an exam, signifies insecurities, fear of not meeting others' expectations, and fear of failure.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Well today I bucked my ideas up and did some work. Jessica kindly tested me on my revision whilst we were picnicking in the chaplaincy garden. The same garden that gets turned into a car park tomorrow.

It was a glorious day today. I lay in the sunshine looking at the clouds and now I'm all freckley. (Should that be freckly?)

I'm so cross with myself for moping for a week and thus not doing my usual amount of revision. Instead I have concentrated on three topics I feel confident with, and tried to include as much detail as possible. I shall read over them a few times tonight and tomorrow and hopefully I will not have sabotaged myself too much. The exam is tomorrow afternoon.

My course is my thing, and as much as I have been taken aback by my depression this term and then Chris and I splitting up, I should have thrown myself into my work. I need good marks to get anywhere, and if I do flunk this exam it will entirely be my fault. It will also make me work especially hard next year. I hate failing at anything. I don't have any reason to feel down apart from not doing myself justice. Of course I was sad Chris didn't want to be my bf anymore, but I had a fab time being with him and don't regret it at all, except that I made him miserable with my miserableness. The depression is something I need to work on so it stops affecting my work and personal life. As the anonymous but fairly wise commenter on the last few posts has said, I can't dwell in the fact I feel shit right now. There are things that need to be getting on with, sorting out my future being an important one.

I've been looking into my postgrad options. A straight history degree is pretty rubbish employment prospects wise no matter what the Uni tell you. I was considering a straight history MA, leading to a Phd and then a life of academia. However I do have a crafty practical vein to me, and I think I'd be happier doing something that uses those skills too. Right now its a toss up between an MA in Museum Studies/Curatorship, or further training looking into an Msc in Conservation of Artefacts. Now none of these guarentee me a job, and the Museums Association say most people are far better off getting their PGCE's, accounting or marketing qualifications and serving museums in those ways. However, I'm hoping I might just be one of those people who are especially suited to museum work. The work experience at the beginning of July will help find that out.

Well today I bucked my ideas up and did some work. Jessica kindly tested me on my revision whilst we were picnicking in the chaplaincy garden. The same garden that gets turned into a car park tomorrow.

It was a glorious day today. I lay in the sunshine looking at the clouds and now I'm all freckley. (Should that be freckly?)

I'm so cross with myself for moping for a week and thus not doing my usual amount of revision. Instead I have concentrated on three topics I feel confident with, and tried to include as much detail as possible. I shall read over them a few times tonight and tomorrow and hopefully I will not have sabotaged myself too much. The exam is tomorrow afternoon.

My course is my thing, and as much as I have been taken aback by my depression this term and then Chris and I splitting up, I should have thrown myself into my work. I need good marks to get anywhere, and if I do flunk this exam it will entirely be my fault. It will also make me work especially hard next year. I hate failing at anything. I don't have any reason to feel down apart from not doing myself justice. Of course I was sad Chris didn't want to be my bf anymore, but I had a fab time being with him and don't regret it at all, except that I made him miserable with my miserableness. The depression is something I need to work on so it stops affecting my work and personal life. As the anonymous but fairly wise commenter on the last few posts has said, I can't dwell in the fact I feel shit right now. There are things that need to be getting on with, sorting out my future being an important one.

I've been looking into my postgrad options. A straight history degree is pretty rubbish employment prospects wise no matter what the Uni tell you. I was considering a straight history MA, leading to a Phd and then a life of academia. However I do have a crafty practical vein to me, and I think I'd be happier doing something that uses those skills too. Right now its a toss up between an MA in Museum Studies/Curatorship, or further training looking into an Msc in Conservation of Artefacts. Now none of these guarentee me a job, and the Museums Association say most people are far better off getting their PGCE's, accounting or marketing qualifications and serving museums in those ways. However, I'm hoping I might just be one of those people who are especially suited to museum work. The work experience at the beginning of July will help find that out.

Bounding across the room he came. Like a gamboling puppy or a mischevious sprite. There was always something of Puck in him and his lolling gait, an untouchable grace that didn't fit with the rest of him. The lock of hair that falls in his eyes was impossible to reconcile with such feline elegance, nor the stripy arthouse jumper or the skateboarding shoes.

He was unassuming, unoticable for so long. The quietness made him seem alone in a crowd. But it is written the truth will set you free, and with him it did. Underneath what is given first was a seam of rich humour and wit like finding coal to warm the world in your back garden. A clever, well read mind burnt energy furiously and created a silliness that broke the awkwardness of before.

It was the generosity that struck me the most. The willingness to give what little or much he had. Time, money or a shoulder were always readily available. And are always greatly appreciated. Greatly appreciated.

Bounding across the room he came. Like a gamboling puppy or a mischevious sprite. There was always something of Puck in him and his lolling gait, an untouchable grace that didn't fit with the rest of him. The lock of hair that falls in his eyes was impossible to reconcile with such feline elegance, nor the stripy arthouse jumper or the skateboarding shoes.

He was unassuming, unoticable for so long. The quietness made him seem alone in a crowd. But it is written the truth will set you free, and with him it did. Underneath what is given first was a seam of rich humour and wit like finding coal to warm the world in your back garden. A clever, well read mind burnt energy furiously and created a silliness that broke the awkwardness of before.

It was the generosity that struck me the most. The willingness to give what little or much he had. Time, money or a shoulder were always readily available. And are always greatly appreciated. Greatly appreciated.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

I've decided to start logging my dreams, its something to do, and just for fun I'll analyse them using dream interpretation websites. I think its all a load of mumbo - jumbo, but can be funny!

The Dream:I was married to Nick Bailey. We lived on a farm. In Wales I think. We had separate bedrooms. I know this because I had to go into his room to wake him up to make me breakfast. It fast forwarded to him making me vegetarian food for tea. I think it was lasagne. He was telling me about cows and rabbits.

The Interpretation: To see or live on a farm in your dream, suggests that you need to develop aspect of yourself and utilize your potential. You are ready for growth

To dream that you are waking up in your dream,� indicates that something is missing or lacking in your life. There is an aspect of your life that you are not utilizing to its fullest potential. You are not recognizing your abilities.To dream about breakfast, indicates the start of a new project or the beginning of a new stage in your life. Alternatively, your mind may already be thinking ahead on what to make for breakfast in the morning. It is not uncommon for your fleeting thoughts to be incorporated into your dream. To see a cow in your dream, signifies your obedience to authority without question. It symbolizes your passive and docile nature. Alternatively, it represents maternal instincts or the desire to be cared for. For some cultures, the cow represents divine qualities of fertility, nourishment and motherhood.

To see a rabbit in your dream, foretells of luck, magic and of a favorable turn of events and a positive outlook in your future endeavors. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize your sexual activity.

I've decided to start logging my dreams, its something to do, and just for fun I'll analyse them using dream interpretation websites. I think its all a load of mumbo - jumbo, but can be funny!

The Dream:I was married to Nick Bailey. We lived on a farm. In Wales I think. We had separate bedrooms. I know this because I had to go into his room to wake him up to make me breakfast. It fast forwarded to him making me vegetarian food for tea. I think it was lasagne. He was telling me about cows and rabbits.

The Interpretation: To see or live on a farm in your dream, suggests that you need to develop aspect of yourself and utilize your potential. You are ready for growth

To dream that you are waking up in your dream,� indicates that something is missing or lacking in your life. There is an aspect of your life that you are not utilizing to its fullest potential. You are not recognizing your abilities.To dream about breakfast, indicates the start of a new project or the beginning of a new stage in your life. Alternatively, your mind may already be thinking ahead on what to make for breakfast in the morning. It is not uncommon for your fleeting thoughts to be incorporated into your dream. To see a cow in your dream, signifies your obedience to authority without question. It symbolizes your passive and docile nature. Alternatively, it represents maternal instincts or the desire to be cared for. For some cultures, the cow represents divine qualities of fertility, nourishment and motherhood.

To see a rabbit in your dream, foretells of luck, magic and of a favorable turn of events and a positive outlook in your future endeavors. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize your sexual activity.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Ants in my pants yesterday. I wore my attention getting red spot dress that someone once pinned the hem of a little too short. Sometimes a little bit of attention is a good thing, especially you feel invisible and not very invincible. I don't look great at the moment, so any little thing that boosts the confidence is a good thing. My face is puffy and my eyes are dark circles. I need to get back in the gym. Maybe today. Maybe if I can be brave and not think too much about it.

I managed some History revision yesterday. That made me feel better about myself too. Surrounded by friends who were revising too. The library is packed solid at the moment and left to my own devices, I think too much and then panick. Maybe somewhere else to study today.

My red spot dress. My minnie mouse dress. I carefully sewed it by hand, and now it's unravelling with wear. This summer I'll sew it up using the sewing machine. Unpick and redo all the untidy facings. It's what I want to do with my life. Carefully unpick everything and resew it to try and make it better and tidier and more efficient. Just do something with it.

Keeping busy is important now. I have to fill my time with myself. Do things. Be ok. Keep going.

I think I tried to hard at the pub today to have a good time. There are so many feelings bouncing around inside me right now that I don't know what's ok to share and what should be hidden. New improved Alex 20.9 now with added bluntness. She's not very nice really, so I'll upgrade again.

Knowing that other people have done this, have learnt to cope with the depression and anxiety, move on from past relationships, retain friends, loose the weight, be successful, be themselves, be ok helps enormously. It feels very lonely here right now but other people's words connect me to them like golden threads through space and time. Right now it is poems, my oldest refuge, the best words in the best order.

If she's a girl,I hope she'll stretch her wingsand grow up free, wide ranginglike a seagull, dealing with the windscompetently, swifting of currents of air,able to live on anything she can findin the murky sea, or even in rubbish heaps,adapting with ease when storms drive her inland.May she choose wisely if in the endshe settles on one name, one piece of ground.

May she banish those who'd seek to protect herfrom heartbreak, or joy.- And may he achieve no lessif he's a boy.

Ants in my pants yesterday. I wore my attention getting red spot dress that someone once pinned the hem of a little too short. Sometimes a little bit of attention is a good thing, especially you feel invisible and not very invincible. I don't look great at the moment, so any little thing that boosts the confidence is a good thing. My face is puffy and my eyes are dark circles. I need to get back in the gym. Maybe today. Maybe if I can be brave and not think too much about it.

I managed some History revision yesterday. That made me feel better about myself too. Surrounded by friends who were revising too. The library is packed solid at the moment and left to my own devices, I think too much and then panick. Maybe somewhere else to study today.

My red spot dress. My minnie mouse dress. I carefully sewed it by hand, and now it's unravelling with wear. This summer I'll sew it up using the sewing machine. Unpick and redo all the untidy facings. It's what I want to do with my life. Carefully unpick everything and resew it to try and make it better and tidier and more efficient. Just do something with it.

Keeping busy is important now. I have to fill my time with myself. Do things. Be ok. Keep going.

I think I tried to hard at the pub today to have a good time. There are so many feelings bouncing around inside me right now that I don't know what's ok to share and what should be hidden. New improved Alex 20.9 now with added bluntness. She's not very nice really, so I'll upgrade again.

Knowing that other people have done this, have learnt to cope with the depression and anxiety, move on from past relationships, retain friends, loose the weight, be successful, be themselves, be ok helps enormously. It feels very lonely here right now but other people's words connect me to them like golden threads through space and time. Right now it is poems, my oldest refuge, the best words in the best order.

If she's a girl,I hope she'll stretch her wingsand grow up free, wide ranginglike a seagull, dealing with the windscompetently, swifting of currents of air,able to live on anything she can findin the murky sea, or even in rubbish heaps,adapting with ease when storms drive her inland.May she choose wisely if in the endshe settles on one name, one piece of ground.

May she banish those who'd seek to protect herfrom heartbreak, or joy.- And may he achieve no lessif he's a boy.