Behka’s Counterpoint: Why I Don’t Want a Christmas Tree

Okay, so apparently I have become a massive "grinch" because I don't want a Christmas tree from Bruce. I contend I am not, in fact, a "grinch" and I will be happy to illustrate WHY I don't want a tree.

Admittedly, it was nice for Bruce to think of me when he was looking to depart with his fiber optic holiday mini forest. But, I didn't have a tree in storage in the apartment that burned down, and had I been there in the holiday season, I doubt I would have decorated there either. There are several, probably not great, but still, reasons why.

1. I am lazy.

This cannot be under-emphasized. I am lazy. I'm not putting myself down, it's just a fact. I know my limits. My limits end at decorating my dwelling for seasonal time markings. It's not just for Christmas. I don't decorate for New Year's, Valentine's, St Patrick's Day, April Fool's Day, May Day, Cinco De Mayo, Fourth of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Haunukkah, ANYTHING. So I'm not just singling out Christmas, here. I just don't decorate for holidays or seasons or anything at all.

2. I live alone.

Who the heck am I decorating for? I don't have kids. I don't live with other people. What am I decorating for, my cat? She'd just eat the decorations! My boyfriend is a weirdo who doesn't even really celebrate Christmas, so it's not like he'd care.

3. I live in a duplex apartment.

Now, my neighbor puts out little things on the door, and my friend down the street goes all out for Halloween. But even if I were to decorate the outside of my little apartment, who'd see it? You want me to put a little glowing Christmas tree on my porch? Really? And where the heck am I going to put a tree in my living room? I have about half the space I used to have in my previous dwelling for the same price. I have no proper area to display a festive tree.

4. My family isn't exchanging gifts this year.

So what's going under the tree if we're not doing gifts? Dead promises? Gifts of years past? A lot of wrapping paper?

5. As previously mentioned, I am a person who owns an animal.

This animal likes to eat things it shouldn't eat and play with things that are not toys. I can only imagine that said Christmas Tree, being small, fiber optic, glowing and moving, would only attract this animal to it nonstop. I got problems enough keeping the kitty off the kitchen table.

6. I. Am. Lazy.

If I got a tree, and it was plastic, I am certain it would not get taken down. It would just be up all the year long because I am simply too lazy to bother to do such things. I've got important things to do, like throw tantrums about "Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe" getting cancelled. I don't have "put away the Christmas tree" on my priority list at all.

So, I hope that I've made my case for proving that I am not, in fact, a Grinchy Grincherton, and just a lazy sod with a tiny apartment.