My fiance said that he stopped reading my blog because he said that it’s sad. Yes, I do admit that when I first started this blog, I did share my sadness but I ensure that in every post, I will end with a positive note.

We learn our life’s lesson during sad times. Hence, I capture my thoughts in words especially the lessons I learned in life and they tend to come along with sad emotions.

It has not been easy to be at this stage. To be able to trust someone so deeply and have such high hopes on our lives together. I am stepping out of my comfort zone, knowing that there is no point of return when I agreed to marry him. My love for him has grown so strong that I am not able to imagine what I would do without him by my side.We do have our differences and I may or may not be able to get along as well as I hoped with his circle. But I am willing to look past all this because I have never met a man who treats me the way he does. He has strong opinions on matters which at times contradicts with mine. But his love for me is stronger.

I have always wanted to be loved by someone and I am not sure if I could find anyone who would love me as much as he does.

Today hasn’t been a good day for me. It’s been a dull and un-inspiring day. So, what do I do?

Write until I feel better

I have a lot of things that I am grateful about but it’s one of those days when I feel incredibly low and bored and all the negative feelings and emotions seem to amplify.

So, just allow me to just be sad, bored, and tired and sick of things.

My sister told me, sometimes we just need to go to the bottom of the sea, dive deep but don’t stay down too long. Be sure to carry some pearls with you when you get up.

This does apply to me. I need to drown before I can pick myself up.

I suppose when I’m down, the only person who can pick me up is ME. Spent too long being alone that I am not quite sure how to share this nasty negative feelings with someone else although I have someone special in my life.

I’m afraid of being a burden to people that I love. My mother always ask me to share my problems with her. The problem is when I share with her, she will make me even more miserable with her relentless questions. In addition, she will start to worry about my problems and make me feel really bad for making her worry.

When I share my problem with my sister, she will offer me solutions or find a way to relate to her issues and finally it will be about her instead of me.

I will not share my problems with my friends because I want people to see me as someone who is positive and will always provide good advice when they are in need of one. I want to be seen as someone who is strong, cheerful and independent. I want to inspire people.

When I tried to share with my boyfriend, I feel guilty for being such a negative energy with my complaints about my life. I ended the conversation before I get into a more negative state.

I want to be an energy giver but how to give when I’m out of energy? My energy has been drained. I’ve been holding my tongue to keep myself from speaking out. I’ve been suppressing my anger towards people who do not seem to appreciate what I do, who are demanding, who makes things difficult for me.I am tired of doing something I do not enjoy. I am tired of missing people in my life and not being able to be with them when I miss them, my nephews, my boyfriend, my sister..All of this really drains out my energy.

It’s times like today that I miss my father the most. I remember when I felt sad, he would just look at me with so much empathy and tell me that there is no need to worry because everything will be alright.

There’s really nothing like writing to let everything out my system. OK, now that I have let everything out, it’s time to pick myself up. I’m sad today but I will be OK tomorrow cause tomorrow’s a new day and I will have the opportunity to start on a good note. I have Allah and He always helps me to pick myself up.

I will start my day with a prayer, then have breakfast with my mother and decide what else I want to do tomorrow. I’ll get out of the sea with pearls tomorrow. Just for tonight, I will allow myself to be sad. Just for tonight…….

Most importantly he makes me feel the need for me to pray harder so that I could be the wife that he truly deserves, build a family of believers with him and get Allah’s blessings to achieve a blissful life in the world and hereafter.

Hmmmm… I love him so much that it’s not making sense anymore… Lols…

I live you F.I. You couldn’t possibly imagine how much you mean to me.

He is now in the group of guys that I love most ..besides my two nephews :)

I reckon in the future we’ll be taking more photos like this…. :) In Sya Allah…

Just three months ago, I was contented living my simple single life. Work was dull but I didn’t mind as I was learning new things and got the opportunity to develop myself attending trainings for my professional development. My colleagues provided me good company and were always ready to support me in my work. Family was doing perfectly fine as my sister was busy with the wedding preparations.

I was just happy and grateful with everything in my life. Despite the fact that I found out about my ex-boyfriend’s engagement, I was pretty calm and I learnt to accept the fact that he has moved on a long time ago and it was about time I do not let that affect me. After all, it’s been ages since I last saw him.

But at night, there were times when the demon crept in and I started to feel sad and resentful over the fact that everyone seems to be happy to have found their soulmate except me. Especially when I have been very good and have improved myself spiritually. I feel like I was being left out. But when I got to my senses, then I would feel really bad for not being grateful with my peaceful life and started to ask Allah for forgiveness for not being grateful and patient and trusting that He has a greater plan for me. I’d say a prayer in my heart for what I want to shift my focus on something positive.

Slowly, I learnt to accept and be happy with my life despite the pain, heartbreaks, and challenges that I faced before, I held my head up high, and stop thinking about meeting my Prince Charming especially when he never seems to appear out of nowhere (unlike in the movies). After all, I am an independent, strong women who has a career and I have my family and a group of supportive friends and life is good.

Anyway, when I least expected, I met him whom I initially didn’t feel like meeting. Thank God I agreed to go out and have coffee with him(despite him being a complete stranger). Slowly, I got to know him better and started to fall for him. The most wonderful thing about him is that he made me feel safe and secure to fall in love with him. He was wearing his heart on his sleeve when we first went out and he worked really hard to make me open up to him and win my heart.

Indeed he has won my heart now and the best part is that he never stops trying to win my heart even though he has it already. His ability to care for not only me but my also my family makes me love him even more. I love how kind and generous he is. I haven’t seen any egoistic attitude from him and he’s never to proud to apologize. I just love how thoughtful he is and most importantly, he has never taken me for granted. I hope that he will never ever take me for granted.

First time I saw him, all I could think of was “what was I thinking?, agreeing to meet a stranger”. Wearing a black jacket and carrying a book with him, with his spectacles, my first impression was that he looked like a geek!

We set to meet at Coffee Bean and I saw him walking towards the cafe and sat down. My first thought was to walk away as I didn’t have anything to lose. I mean what could he possibly do if I decide to not meet him. But my sister pushed me as we have came all the way to Subang Parade and the least I could do was just to say hello to him. What’s the harm in that.

So I walked towards him and called his name. It was one of the most awkward moments in my life. I introduced myself and my sister. He got up and we walked towards Coffee Bean counter and started to make small talks. I was nervous because it was something that I never experienced before. I do not go out with strangers. The only reason I agreed to meet him was because of his mother.

I met at her at the last place I expected someone to be asking me for my telephone number so that she could introduce her son to me. I wasn’t really thinking when I gave her my number. I just thought to myself that I didn’t see any harm and she looked like a nice person. So I agreed and decided to give it a go.

Little did I know what I was getting myself into.

So back to the story where I was standing in line with him waiting for our turn to order coffee. He was busily chatting about where he lives and I just pretended to be interested. As if things weren’t awkward enough, my sister just remembered that she left the parking ticket in the car. So, she excused herself and went to the basement parking.

Hence, I was left there alone with him. As I listened to him talking, I thought that he would be good enough to be a friend only. I didn’t think he was going to be interesting enough for me. He was more like “boy-next-door” kind than “the man-of- my- dreams-who-gives-me-butterflies-in-my-stomach” kind. I didn’t expect much out of him.

So once we ordered our drinks, he immediately took out his wallet to pay for them. I expected nothing less as I believe that man should pay if he asked a lady out for a date. But nevertheless, I was ready to pay my share in case he was not a gentleman.

Then we proceeded to get ourselves seated and naturally, he sat opposite me. We talked and strangely enough, I was actually interested to listen to what he was saying. He managed to capture my attention throughout the date and when my sister arrived, he knew how to include her in the conversation. I thought it was expected considering his background in sales. He was able to converse well. The things that turned me off though was when he started to ask me about my future plan. I was feeling like I was attending a job interview. Well, to be perfectly honest, I didn’t like the question because I do not exactly have a plan while he was laying out his future plan to me.

Towards the end of the date, he started to talk about his football fan club activism and it sort of turned me off because I am not a fan of football and for him to be describing about how the football fan club bring people together and got kids off the street really was not really a good way to end the date.

So in then end, before we parted ways, he mentioned that he was glad that he decided to meet me and he gave me the “look”. I recognised the look instantly as I got that look from my ex-boyfriend right after our first date. I had a feeling that he was attracted to me. But after thinking a little bit more, I thought maybe it’s all in my head and perhaps he didn’t feel anything,

Then I walked back to the car with my sister and she asked me how I felt about the date. I told her that I would make him a friend but I do not see us going past that. “I’d keep him as a friend and who knows I might even introduce him to my friend”.

Shortly after, I reached home and I received a message from him. He was complimenting that I am just as pretty and as intelligent as his mother described me to be. Right then I knew that he is looking for more than just a friendship. His mother did mention that he was looking for a potential life partner.

So, that night, I was tossing and turning in my bed thinking whether or not I should give him a chance. I was afraid if I were to continue to befriend him, I might mislead him into thinking that I was interested. I was really unsure at that point of time as I had been single for a very long time and I felt comfortable that way….and I really didn’t realise that it was the beginning of something special and that …………………………………….