Thursday, December 22, 2005

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Hot Chocolate or Apple Cider?Apple Cider, definitely. Though for me, it's more of a fall thing in general, not just Christmas.

Turkey or Ham?Definitely neither. Not a meat eater.

Do you get a Fake or Real you-cut-it-yourself Christmas tree?I have one of those cute little fake trees that have the lights already in it. You just unfold and decorate! Insta-tree!

Decorations on the outside of your house?Nope.

Snowball fights or sledding?Snowball fights! Remember the kick-ass one we had with the boys in Apt 8 that year CB??

Do you enjoy going downtown shopping?I do enjoy shopping during the holidays...the crowds, the songs...its all part of the holiday experience I think. Lately because of shipping issues, I've gone most of mine online and I've actually started to miss the insanity.

How do you feel about Christmas movies?Every year my mom and I watch "A Christmas Story" just for the laughs, but I don't really care about any of the others at all.

When is it too early to start listening to Christmas music?The day after Thanksgiving is the first day it's ok.

Stockings before or after presents?Presents on the 24th, Stockings on the 25th.

Carolers, do you or do you not watch and listen to them? No.

Go to someone else's house or they come to you?Christmas Eve we stay home, Christmas Day we go to the family.

Do you read the Christmas Story? If so when?Yes, Chrismtas Eve night.

What do you do after presents and dinner? On Christmas Eve we do earlyish dinner, then church, then home and do presents into the night, then Christmas Day we get up and do Stockings and then drive to Chicago to see the family.

What is your favorite holiday smell? Cookies baking in the oven

Ice skating or walking around the mall? Ice skating!

Do you open a present or presents on Christmas Eve, or wait until Christmas day? My parents also follow the German tradition of Christmas Eve for presents with stockings on Christmas morning.

Favorite Christmas memory?The blackout where we had to open our presents by firelight.

Favorite Part about winter?Kissing during a snowfall...and snowball fights!

I'm officially earned my NY badge of honor. I've (so far) survived my first ny catastrophe. I always get asked if I was here 9/11 or during the blackout and I was fortunately not, but now the new question will be "Did you survive the transit strike?" and I can proudly say, Yes, I overcame it by walking 2.5 hours each way to work for three days. I think I can probably skip going to the gym this week eh?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Courtesy of Seasons of the Heart, which was courtesy fat little pug. My additions and thoughts are in bold italics.[] I'm afraid of the quiet. I'm with CB, I enjoy the quiet.[] I am really ticklish. [] I'm afraid of the dark. I like the dark.[] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.[] I am homosexual.[] I believe in true love This one is hard for me...I believe it exists, I'm just not sure it exists for me.[] I've ran away from home.[] I collect comic books.[X] I shut others out when I'm sad[] I stayed out all night.[] I open up to others easily. [X] I am keeping a secret from the world.[X] I watch the news. I'm a CNN junkie..I'm in love with Anderson Cooper[] I own over 5 rap CDs.[] I love Disney movies.[] I am a sucker for pretty eyes.[X] I kill bugs. [X] I curse all the time. Tsk, yes sadly I'm not a lady[] I have (had) "x"s in my screen name.[X] I've slipped and fell in public.[X] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation. Sadly yes, I've also left Im-esque voicemails[] I love Spam.[] I bake well.[X] I have worn pajamas to class. Finals.....college...ugh[X] I own something from Abercrombie.[X] I have a job.[X] Talked on a phone for 5 hours.[] I love Dr. Phil.[X] I like someone. I've always got my eyes (or other things) on someone[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS. [X] I am self-conscious. EXTREMELY[X] I love to laugh.[X] I have tried alcohol.[X] I drink alcohol on a regular basis. [X] I have tried a cigarette. [] I have tried a cigar.[] I have smoked a pack in one day.[] I loved Lord of the Flies. [] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. Do those Vitamin C drops count?[] I can't swallow pills.[X] I have a few scars. Emotional and physical[X] I've been out of this country. Canada[X] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.[X] I love chocolate.[] I bite my nails.[X] I am not comfortable with being me. More like i'm not comfortable not knowing who I am[] I play computer games when I'm bored.[X] gotten lost in the city. [] Seen a shooting star. [X] Had a serious injury[X] Gone out in public in your pajamas.[X] Have kissed a stranger.[X] Hugged a stranger[] Been arrested.[] Beverage come out of your nose while laughing[] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.[X] Made out in an elevator. LOL oh the memories....[X] Swore at your parents. [] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose.[] Been skydiving.[] Been bungee jumping.[X] Gotten stitches.[] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.[] Bitten someone.[] Been to Niagara Falls.[] Gotten the chicken pox twice.[X] Crashed into a car. [] Have been to Japan. OMG I wish....[X] Ridden in a taxi. LOL this morning actually[] Shoplifted.[] Been fired.[X] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back. ALL THE TIME[] Stole something from your job.[X] Gone on a blind date.[X] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.[] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.[] Been to Europe. Not yet July 2006!!!![X] Slept with a co-worker. ROFL...uh for like 5 years[X] Been proposed to.[] Been married.[] Gotten divorced.[] Saw someone/something dying.[X] Driven over 400 miles in one day. 900 NY-IL won't do that again[X] Been to Canada.[X] Been on a Plane.[] Regretful tattoo.[] More than 5 tattoos.[X] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.[] Been in a bloody fist fight.[] Thrown up in a bar.[X] Eaten sushi. [] Been snowboarding.[] Been skiing.[X] Been ice skating.[X] Cried in public. [] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.[X] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have.[X] Thought of someone almost 24/7[X] Hated the world.[] Been in jail.[] Shot someone.[] Got shot.[] Got stabbed.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I have met someone who unknowingly is a constant reminder to me to have faith. A reminder that I definitely need. My soul smiles in his presence and he doesn't even notice. He may never know he makes me happy, he may even end up breaking my heart, but there's something so beautiful in the right now, that I don't even care.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Since I love the original Japanese version of Shall we Dance, I had been hesitant to watch the Jennifer Lopez/Richard Gere remake. I watched it this weekend and of course it doesn't hold a candle to the original version, but there was a quote that has stuck in my mind all day.

Woman: All these promises we make and break....Why is it people get married? Man: Passion. Woman: No. Man: Why then? Woman: Because we need a witness to our lives. There is a billion people on the planet...I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage you are promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it, all of the time, every day you're saying "Your life will not go un-noticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness".

We all want acknowledgement of our existence I guess, appreciation of being who we are. There ARE a billion people on the planet...why is it so hard to find then?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I re-read the story of Apollo and Daphne tonight, desperately searching for the answers to so many of my questions about life and love. Though the idyllic crossed with the absurd is entertaining to read, I'm not sure I can find the relevance to my own life. Sure, it would be great if we were all pursued so ruthlessly as Daphne was by Apollo, but men don't woo anymore. Romance is dead and co-habitation is a business transaction. I can't remember the last time I simply held hands with someone, found a love note in my backback or had someone suprise me with a bottle of wine after a long day at work. I love doing little things for people, doing the simple gestures that speak the loudest, but I feel like I never get it in return. A wise friend recently reminded me that the gesture of giving and the gesture of loving should be selfless. I need to be better at that, at not wanting reciprocation. We all want to be loved, but that shouldn't be the motivation for loving.

The older I get the more practically I think about life. The idealism I had as a child is gone. Some people fight hard not to let that go, but I seem to have completely relinguish it. I need someone in my life to balance that part of myself out. I need an Apollo to chase my inner child and wipe practicality from my love.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I've been thinking a lot about compatibility lately. What makes people fall in love, what makes them be friends, even what makes them remain strangers. There are people I know peripherally, but who just never cross over into the "friend" zone. What keeps the distance. How did those friends of mine know after three months they were compatible for life? How come I didn't know that Tae-Jin and I weren't?

I think about my closest friends and most significant relationships and what brought us together. Circumstance plays a large part of it I think. My closest friends are those from high school and college. Brought together initially by location, we are now spread out across the globe. Circumstance is what brought us together, but it obviously isn't what sustains us.

There are some people you meet and instantaneously you click. They bring out the part of yourself that hides under the cloud of sadness and loneliness that you normally are under. You meet someone and suddenly you are smiling all the time, your intelligence and wit comes out and you start to feel like the person who always knew you wanted to be. I wish I had more control over that part of myself, but I have to accept that despite my solitude, I truly am a people-driven person.

What is it that draws people together? What is the "chemistry" people talk about in love and attraction? I've never fallen in love with someone because we liked the same book or enjoyed the same movie, but what is it that makes two people compatible.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

I met a couple today who had gotten married after only knowing each other three months. It's a life I can't imagine. A love I can't imagine. It's a scary thought, thinking that I could meet someone tomorrow and be married by February. It's an amazing thing to me, to "know" so completely that you found love. Not only to know, but to leap in and embrace it fully as well.

I think I needed to be reminded that there is beauty in love. It's easy to remember being drained by it, being crushed by it, losing yourself in the pain. I don't always make the effort to think of the hapiness of having someone who cares unconditionally, someone to take care of, someone to take care of me. The feeling that washes over you when you heare someone say "I love you" to you for the first time. The feeling you have when you realize you can say it in return. I need to remember that it's ok if love changes everything. I need to not fear it anymore.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

A week from now I will be in New Mexico for my vacation. I am so looking forward to being around my friend, being in a beautiful state and for getting to sleep in and not have to go to work. It truly will be the perfect vacation.

As my trip gets closer I realize even more how lonely I am in NY. I accept my solitude, but also acknowledge that there is a balance missing in my life. There are days I wish I had someone to go shopping with, or to the movies. I miss sitting in cafes with someone and having the kind of conversations that only seem to take place over coffee. I eat out alone. Go to movies alone. Shop alone. Even coffee is a solitary act for me.

To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of humanity and people in general. It's unpredictable and in my mind, unpredictability=pain. I like things I can understand, things that have reason. People don't generally fall in that category. That's why love is so hard for me to grasp. It has no explaination or formula. The "Why?" never gets answered even in the deepest of feelings. There is a security in the why that I never get from love and in turn I don't trust it.

I suppose in time I will learn to reason less and feel more. Observe less and do more. Think less and love more.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

I’m 26 years old and I’m stagnant. I was speaking with an old friend recently. We hadn’t spoken in a year or so and he asked me “What’s new?”. I sat thinking about the answer and I realized “nothing” was the only answer I could give. The players in my life may have changed, but the situation is the same, I am the same. My faults are the same. My demons are the same. I am so afraid of change that I don’t even change for the better. I’m more afraid of speaking to him a year from now and giving the same answer.

I battle so much of myself it seems. My internal struggle never has an end, it never has a winner. I’m so aware of my faults I don’t need critique or criticism from the world. I already acknowledge the faulty parts of myself. So much so that I glaze over compliments, for the faults speak so loudly that they cover any beauty that might be there. Practicality wins in the end. If I can’t see it, then it doesn’t exist. Every break-up, negative comment or hurtful exchange just reinforces what I already believe about myself. There is no escaping who you are.

I think once of the reasons I’ve always been drawn to photography is that I like the position of “observer”. For me there is more impact in viewing than in feeling. Seeing a couple on the train holding hands cuts me deeper than actually being part of the couple myself. I can only process what I see, not what I feel. I’ve stuck myself on the outside of life purposely and there’s no way in. I don’t feel love unless I can view it. Seeing people kiss on tv makes me cry. Being kissed doesn’t shed any tears. I’ll never be in the inner circle of lovers. I’ll only be there to capture the moments of others.

Alienation. The feeling of being on the outside. I’ve had that feeling long before I picked up my first camera. My inception into this world was a difficult one, one that didn’t come with a lot of answers. I don’t have early baby pictures, a knowledge of where my brown eyes come from, what my ethnicity is, even where I was born. Living a life in a family who loves you, but always feeling like you were a piece of furniture in the house they purchased to fill an empty room. Never being invited to the “cool kids” table in junior high. Moving around and never being able to make friends who know your history, who have seen you through your best and worst phases. That’s where my “snapshot” life comes from. Needing to have something to hold on to when it was gone. Early in life alienation was a product of circumstance. Now it’s self induced. Not much in my life isn’t self induced. I will always be the one behind the camera. Sometimes it’s film, sometimes it’s digital, but if you look in the distance, behind the lens, that’s where you can find me.

Monday, September 26, 2005

I need to accept that there are things in this world I will never understand. Why some people die young. Why some people are thin. Why some find love, and why others do not.

I've never been happy in a relationship. At least I don't remember being happy. It may be that I'm one of those people who forgets the happiness once it's over, for the pain of the end erases any joy that was once there. I have never heard the words "I love you" from someone. I've never gotten flowers "just because". I've never had sex with someone who loved me.

I want to know what love is like. I want to feel the joys of it, as well as the pain. I want the passion of feeling raw to course through me.

How does one learn to accept that love may not be a part of our future? That I may go through life with no wedding ring, no one to help me fold sheets, no one to kiss me goodnight. I have this voice in my heart that tells me I will never be in love, that my solitude is permanent. That it isn't meant to be. That I need to let go of hope and set myself free.

I feel sad for all the things I feel I'll never have. I'll never be introduced as "my wife, Karen". I'll never have someone call me "mommy". I'll never have someone to kill the spiders for me. I find myself getting lost lately in that sadness. I'm turning inward more and more, accepting what I feel is my current fate. I wish the weight of sadness wasn't the only thing I woke up next to.

I know I am lost in the "never". That isn't always a bad thing, for the one thing I do know is that I will never give up hope.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

I wonder sometimes if I wasn't programmed to love. Sure, I love my puppy, but that's different. There's nothing she could do that would hurt me, I don't give anything up to love her. I have a pretty good life if I look around. An apt in NY, I like my stuff, a decent job, I can afford to travel.....all it's missing is people. I accept that I'm a solitary person who for the most part is not a fan of humanity. My interests are solitary so I'm not forced to have the same innane "what do you do" "what borough do you live in/train do you take" "where did you go to school" small talk conversations over and over and over again. I have a few close friends who live far away, so my core friendships involve nighttime cell phone minutes, a gmail account and the annoying sound effects of aol instant messenger. There is very little human contact in my world, and the small amount I get is usually shortlived. I don't play the roles in my life based on obligation very well....daughter, granddaughter, girlfriend.....I can't seem to get a handle on those. Legal Assistant, tenant, customer.....those I can do. Any role that involves the "I love you" dialogue I can't grasp.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

There are so many things I want out of life. The days where it all seems so out of reach are the hardest. A walk down the street turns into a line-up of everything I don't have. I feel like I won't ever know the kind of happiness that others have. My dreams are plagued by the realities of my true self.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Monday June 20, 2005

I was browsing iTunes tonight. I suppose I was looking to compile my own personal soundtrack. A look at my life through the pop culture of the times. I should have known better than to think I could find my life in all that. I found the life of many others, but certainly not mine. Mine must be in a book somewhere.

Anyway. It occurred to me that there are so many things about me that even my closest of friends do not know. People I’ve shared words with and beds with and meals with (not in that order) who know nothing of me. Some will surprise, some you will think you always knew, some you will realize in yourself. That’s ultimately why I’m writing this. Not for me. I’ve already had the self discovery (and man it was a bitch). Hopefully it will be easier for you.

I have a secret love of truly bad television. The list of things I fear greatly exceeds the list of things that make me happy. I have never felt beautiful. I want nothing more than to be a mother. Some weekends I get into bed on Friday and literally do not get out until Monday. I have never been in love. I wish that someone understood my need to be sad. I often blare Lady Marmalade on my stereo. I love nothing more than being kissed. I don’t want to be married, but I want a diamond ring (which I already have designed). I truly believe in the difference between actual truth and emotional truth.I am an amazing piano player, but can’t play in front of people. I hate the color pink, but own pink underwear. Some days I think I am crazy. Some days I think I am the only sane person I know. I want someone to take care of me. I want to be left alone in the dark. I want romance. I am terrified of lightning. 8 years later I still have nightmares about my car accident. I love it when a man brushes the hair out of my eyes. I have to write in the dark. I honestly have no idea what makes me happy. I love.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Monday, April 11, 2005

Why don't I write anymore? It's been months since I wrote a word. Is it that I'm too happy to write? Is it that I'm uninspired? Is it that I don't think anymore?

I'm sitting here drinking vodka and watching Growing up Gotti. I never watch this crap, yet tonight I'm facinated. Watching another family, their life, their interactions. I can't explain why at all. I guess because it makes my own family dynamic seem less Hamlet and more Leave it to Beaver.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

But I f*cking HATE men...dating...relationships. It's all crap. Nobody cares about getting to know a person's mind anymore, it's all about finding the hottest girl they can "score" with. I doubted that love existed before, and now I truly know that there is no such thing. I SO hate humanity.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Sunday, January 09, 2005

When did electronics start being nice? I turn on my DVD player and hello scrolls across the screen. I log on to aol and it says "Welcome, you've got mail". Even cable box has a greeting when turned on. Why are electronics nicer than people?

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Email folders can be an evil place. Upon reaching my storage quota in an old account, I was prompted to do some cleaning out of my inbox and folders. I found some names and emails I hadn't thought about in years, some regrets, some photos, and a lot of curiousity. Where are these strangers now? The sent mail is just as evil. Who WAS that person who wrote some of those words?