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This has been the worst year since last year but I’m trying to remain positive. Things could be WAY worse while also being fucking terrible.

There’s money in the bank, a woman who loves me, condo is one year more paid off. Hired a new assistant too who is in the process of being setup which helps drastically with my mood and optimism. I’ve never made as much money as i have when i had someone to help, it was time.

The only problem tho is i fantasy daily about burning it all down. Fire the receptionists, everything goes to voicemail. Keep the developer and keep the bookeeper, close the office and liquidate the entire room.

Work from home while i wait for the realtor to find a buyer for the condo. If it doesn’t fit in the car then it’s not important enough to own. I lust over that feeling i’ve had twice now in my life, once in memphis when i gave away and sold everything to move here for that job and again when i was roaming the country after the hurricane ate everything.

It’s more then wanderlust or whatever bullshit term it is. I’m just bored with my timeblocks here. I’ve talked with business coaches and everyone but i’ve really lost my urge to do this. Hiring someone will help…i’m not a natural leader but i work harder when i have someone meeting me at the office. Already have her fist 2 real huge tasks lined up, just gotta create all the usernames and passwords to get me to get her to make me some money.

Winter time just fucking sucks. It’s nice to have a break from the heat but the condo is the worst place ever without having a pool to swim in. I’m actually gonna grill this weekend all bundled up like fuck you can’t stop this. All of my friends in the building have moved so i just spend days alone watching netflix. Tomorrow after the maids clean up, i’m going to setup the painting gear and start working on something. I’m at a loss at what to paint but the first step is setting it up. Or just go back to my basics and paint PBR cans and bananas.

The only thing I really need to start doing is brewing beer again. It’s such a couple related hobby for me, always has been and in my current state of loneliness i haven’t…this is the time of the year tho. I’m going to start again, need to go brewing supply store this wednesday after rotary. Buy 2 kits, brew them back to back next weekend, 2 buckets of beer aging while christmas happens. I could get someone to help me bottle, i have friends, i suppose.

I’ve stockpiled a insane amount of bottles…the way i look at it too, if i do burn this life down like i think about it, i gotta get those bottles out of here, might as well be filled with something that will give people joy instead of just going in the dumpster.

Okay, im fucking doing it, wednesday going and buying 2 basic kits. Nothing crazy, maybe a amber or a nice stout beer since it’s that time of year. I’m going to sit and paint while i boil water. No more fucking wasting time mindlessly scrolling through facebook. I read something recently about time blocking social media. Giving yourself a hour a day but only a specific time. Churn through it, reply to messages, etc and then just stop and do absolutely anything but that.

I’ve been really wondering about it all, like, there is a fine line between art and “producing”. I want to “produce” as much as i can but it’s such a battle to produce things and still make it something that is original. Makes me want to watch exit through the gift shop. There is no line, it’s all just in our head. Anyone who creates anything in exchange for anything is a sell out. Also none of this fucking matters anyway so even thinking about it just masturbation. I said it thursday in a meeting…if you have a problem with my attitude it’s kinda more your problem, none of us get out of this alive, stop taking it so seriously.

Hell, at least anything i paint or stencil has a chance of outlasting me. I was talking with my web designer today and we’re going to have send out notices to any sites that are 5+ years because they just gotta get redesigned. I’ve always hated that i’m not a architect that builds things that last decades and centuries. It’s all fleeting. Stop obsessing about it ya know?

I have goals for 2018. Written down, over and over. I’m going to get everything to a beautiful zen moment where i look at it and go “okay cool, that’s done”. I’m never going to sell the web business but i want it cut and dry. 2-3 projects a month and no stress. Tons of exercise. Need to pick the guitar up again. Decided I’m taking it to the office and setting it up there.

You work, or you pick up the guitar and play. Make one self patting congratulatory post on facebook checking in to the office, close the window. This year is so close to being done and i don’t feel like i’ve done shit with this year. Which is actually kind of a lie. I’ve got some seriously good memories of this year.

I’ve set a early alarm. First step to feeling anything remotely close to content is to clean where you live. Dishes in dishwasher, laundry in laundry, maids do the rest. Take it nice and easy, a beer every 3-4 hours when the Fear starts to take hold. Benzos on monday and tuesday, nice productive wednesday and then fall apart friday at the christmas party and act like a jerk. Another weekend completely alone and sad then book it back up monday, rave it up hard at the christmas party on wednesday with the rotary club, go to your bni lunch and hopefully get on the road afterwards.

I’m still thinking about a train…the drive to memphis is this thing i can’t even really put into words how much i hate. Sitting on the train and drinking wine and eating cheese vs fucking traffic in jackson ms and that sinking feeling i get while driving in. I’m going to get a quote tomorrow for a train ticket and a rental car tomorrow, just dunno if i wanna put myself through that drive.

As a plus I’ll be seeing my Tanya soon…either in memphis or meeting in new orleans and spending new years together. That’s tomorrow toad’s problem is solving that. Getting a uber to the train, nice peaceful train ride, rental car picking me up at the train station and driving to parents sounds a lot better then a 6 hour introspective nightmare driving through fucking MS. Quality of life is becoming more important as i feel like life is ending sooner and faster then i wanted or expected.

Tanya just reminded me that it’s karaoke tonight…it’s fucking 37 degrees, wonder if he will even be there. The allure of going when you know very few people are there means the chance to sing more. Ugh i should go..

I can’t believe I just typed that title. She had a good life. She really did. She grew up in Memphis with me working from home and her personality was really built from that in a sense.

Spending so much time with me on a day to day basis gave her the ability to learn so much english that it was like you were with a real person. We spent days and days together. Working from home you don’t see many people so a dog was important.

Marla was part of so many house parties. She enjoyed parties because people would pet her.

She came with me when I moved to New Orleans. She almost got shot by NOPD on St Patricks day. She survived a pretty rough car crash and I had to go get her from doggy jail in St Tammany. She was so happy to see me when I got her out, I won’t forget that.

We went our separate ways after hurricane issac destroyed my apartment. I took her to Memphis with me while I tried to figure out what the fuck to do with my broken life. My parents kinda forcibly adopted her. It made sense, i was homeless.

When I decided to move back to New Orleans my parents somewhat insisted she stay with them and their new puppy since they had bonded. Moving back while homeless was no place for a older dog so I obliged.

I got to see her one last time about a week ago when my parents were in Destin. She was super skinny, I kinda knew it was the last time but I’m always a optimist when I know things are not going to work out.

I’m going to relaunch this site in 2016. I’m currently in the process of redesigning the site as well as adding some new fun things. The main goal is that I’m tired of spamming Facebook with my crap and need a better avenue for my clever writing.

Bottles are rinsed if drank at the condo or if they are from bottle exchange, just throw them in the kitchen closet where you store your empties. This is the pre-stage for the label removing stage.

Once that shelf fills up, it’s time to toss those bad boys in the big black tupperware container. Now next time you brew, and this is important since there is a lot going on when you brew. Make sure to figure out a easy way to fill that tupperware container with the blazing hot water that comes out of the wort chiller. This will save you money instead of using the hot water and it’s also helping the planet by re-using the water. Don’t forge to toss in the oxi clean.

Okay you’ve let the bottles sit a few days and maybe it’s Friday. Lets clean off those labels. Steel wheel takes care of the ones that fight you. As you clean them, lets put them in the dishwasher for a sani run when we bottle.

This is tricky because you have to time to the label removing hot water of brew #2 with the bottling of brew #2. Anyway, hypothetically you could remove the labels and then immediately put it in the dishwasher.

Dishwasher runs, yay clean bottles.

It’s bottling day time. Lets take all of the bottles out and place them on the stove, as we take them out of the dishwasher lets spray inside and tops with starsan and then put it on the stove.

While we do this, let’s go ahead and boil that sugar water. 3 cups of water seems to be good amount. Boil that while you empty the dishwasher but keep a eye on it. Once it’s boiled let’s remove it and put it on a wet towel so it cools down faster.

Let’s open the bucket and see if it looks okay. Be super careful not to accidentally let water or vodka from the blow off thing drip into the beer since that happened once and it’s a great way to probably infect that beer you just bottled. Anyway, we put the primary femerntor on the counter and the bottling bucket on the stool. Santize the damn bottling bucket because I’ve never screwed that step up but let us not ever do that.I read on the Internet that you should pour the chilled sugarwater in the bottom of the bottling bucket so let’s do that.

Now let’s sanitize the pump and the tube start siphoning.

Okay, let’s just hope this goes well and now we have a bottling bucket full of non infected beer. Let’s put this over the dishwasher and open up the dishwasher. Attach the bottling wand with the custom bad ass tube that never slips off the bottling bucket spraying beer everywhere like what used to happen.

Red means off, black means it’s on connected. I look forward to phonecalls with old friends as a chance to use it.

Has a range of 20ish yards. Always crazy when you are that far from your phone and it rings in your ear.

I’ve lost mine two months ago because it’s slightly easier to lose then that big bluetooth necklance i loved until it broke. Losing over broken everytime.

You can also take it out since we live in new orleans and people are still curious and scared of bluetooth. I felt superior with mine but i like taking my bluetooth headset out while talking to or walking into public. It’s become a sign for me that says “i talk on the phone a lot because i am important but when i’m hanging out i don’t talk on the phone”.

After I lost mine and i don’t know how, $30 isn’t that much to drop on a new one that will probably save my life while driving, make phone calls last longer because i’m not holding my hand against my face like a idiot.

It’s terrible that someone’s life can get destroyed because someone won’t spend $30 on one just for driving.

Car bluetooth is great but i don’t want to sit in my car while i make a phone call. I’m so self important that i think every moment up until rotary is important and want to get out of car and be on phone the whole time, not have it tired to my car.

This one is also small enough to where you don’t look like your on a soundstage. I don’t know want the quality is really like on receiving end but it’s great talking and hearing the caller.

Part of my day is when I put in my headset and call Jess and we talk about the emails and tickets and what she can do while I’m on my way down westend. If anything it’s a daily early affirmative reminder that I’m not wasting time driving and actually troubleshooting and fixing stuff sometimes while I’m pulling up. Then hanging up phone, say “okay is it uploaded, oh cool, we’re good” then moving on…

Or get another one in this price range and amazon review quality. The small size makes me feel like less of a dipshit then people with half a foot of stuff over their face like they are directing a drone strike. The quality is good enough for me to tell people to email me to reset a password or listen to me rant about things while planting spinach on the patio.

The first drink was a ice cold PBR served to me by a beautiful blonde covered in tattoos. Very down to earth too, not a bimbo, what you think when you think blonde.

She wore tight jeans and a shirt with the sides cut a little short so you can see her hips. Imagine what your hands would feel like on them. That’s why I’m wearing this shirt. I like smiling at you.

Should have asked her out. Need to relish in the rejection. Not lay my head down until I’ve been rejected by a minimum of 1 woman a day. I have no idea what my standing in the world is. I’m a 10 to some, a 5 to others but you really can’t tell until you query a result.

But I don’t. Moments lost that honestly you cannot really go back to. I have to get dedicated to it tho. Situps every morning. Rejection everyday.

Carol told me today that I have to work on my story for when I meet people. I’m too fucking depressing. She didn’t say it but she’s right. I have to work on my story. Immediately. Right now.

She honestly said she couldn’t help me until I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. How sad is it that I don’t know that now, fuck.

Woke up sunday after a week of sin which I hope does not come back to haunt me. I was laying on the couch contemplating the idea of rock bottom and how far I still really need to go when I heard a knock on the door.

It’s my neighbor’s daughter. She’s asking me for a beer for her dad. He’s down by the pool grilling. I walk down in my black robe and 2 tall boys of Becks, the last of the alcohol in my house.

I gave him the beer and sat and talked with him for a bit about what I had been up to Friday and Saturday. I go back upstairs and decide to drink the last beer. It made me feel a little better.

Earlier that morning I had woken up hungover and starving. The 2 tiny pieces of chicken I ate the night before the magnum of wine I drank with A was not really a sufficient dinner. Made a apple with peanut butter.

Later Peter’s kid brings me one of the hamburgers and says “you’ll need this later”.

I did, it was good.

Later I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill. Felt like I was dying the whole time. Afterwards I was faced with the option of going home and barely sleeping at all while sweating and tossing and turning. Or I could go get some wine and relax and sleep at a decent hour. Decided to sweat it out. It wasn’t the worst “1st night” I’ve had, have had much worse and much more scary. Tuesday was rough, Wednesday was terrible.

Today, Thursday, the craving was there immediately after the presentation . Went for a run instead.