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A Broken Heart

Seeing as this the home of wisdom on the web ( ), I wanted to ask some advice:
I foresee in my life a broken heart on the horizon. All I want to do is hold on a little longer, an extra day, an extra embrace. But I know I'm just putting off the inevitable. I know I have to have to break my own heart. I guess it won't be easy. And there's no rules for coping with it, let alone Zen rules. But I just wish in my Zazen I had reached a point where I had the confidence to deal with this. I haven't. Does one ever? I doubt it. And I kinda wonder what the use of Zazen is at these times. Splitting up with someone you love shouldn't be easy. The death of a loved one shouldn't be easy. It should be suffering. Shouldn't it?

What's my question? Not sure...But words sometimes help, eh. They have in the past, so I ask of you some words.
Any wisdom for someone on the verge of splitting with the love of his life (for reasons of practicality).

Re: A Broken Heart

Hi,

"Zen" will not fix a broken heart, nor will it tell you whether you should "stay" or "go" in a relationship. (It's teachings might tell you not to "go" just because you think "happiness" is always over the next hill, that the grass is always greener over the fence, and it might let you appreciate you current life a little more ... but it will not fill in the details of what you should do). If you go, then go ... if you stay, then stay. Perhaps these days people run from commitments too quickly ... but on the other hand, if you are in a bad relationship, or in an abusive relationship, or if there is something else that makes it necessary ... then you have to go. Only you know.

No, "Zen" will not fix a broken heart, or fix the grief of losing those we are close to. Its teachings, however, might tell you that "grief" and "loss" are just a natural part of life, that "suffering" is not in the "grief" and "loss" themselves ... it is in the resistance to feeling "grief" and "loss". When you smile, just smile ... when you cry, just cry.

And, yes, our teachings tell us not to be overly attached to things, even as we are fully present with things. So, appreciate to the core a flower as it blooms ... then allow the flower to fade, and fall. Do not resist change.

Oh, and as that great Bodhisattva, J.Geils, said ...

I've been through diamonds
I've been through minks
I've been through it all
Love stinks

Re: A Broken Heart

Originally Posted by undeceivable

Seeing as this the home of wisdom on the web ( ), I wanted to ask some advice:
I foresee in my life a broken heart on the horizon. All I want to do is hold on a little longer, an extra day, an extra embrace. But I know I'm just putting off the inevitable. I know I have to have to break my own heart. I guess it won't be easy. And there's no rules for coping with it, let alone Zen rules. But I just wish in my Zazen I had reached a point where I had the confidence to deal with this. I haven't. Does one ever? I doubt it. And I kinda wonder what the use of Zazen is at these times. Splitting up with someone you love shouldn't be easy. The death of a loved one shouldn't be easy. It should be suffering. Shouldn't it?

What's my question? Not sure...But words sometimes help, eh. They have in the past, so I ask of you some words.
Any wisdom for someone on the verge of splitting with the love of his life (for reasons of practicality).

One of my favorite Dharma quotes is from Chogyam Trungpa, who said, "Disappointment is the best chariot to use on the path of the dharma." A broken heart is one of the best things that can happen to you if you are on a spiritual path. Some of the clearest demonstrations I've seen of the truth of the Buddha's Dharma have occurred in the context of going through an experience of heartbreak. To me, the approach of Dharma is not that you're trying hard for it to be easy or for it to not be suffering, but exactly the opposite, that you don't put anything between yourself and the suffering. You let it annihilate you, and in turn let that free you... not from pain, but from the expectation that it should somehow be otherwise.

And "practicality" can be as much of an illusion as "true love." For some perhaps not-so-Buddhist advice, I have to say that I almost never regret the things I do out of passion or love, but I almost always regret the things I do for the sake of "practicality" when it's meant I've given up on what I truly wanted to do. Passion may seem trashier at first glance, but Practicality almost always makes you feel like more of a dirty whore afterward.

Re: A Broken Heart

And I kinda wonder what the use of Zazen is at these times. Splitting up with someone you love shouldn't be easy. The death of a loved one shouldn't be easy. It should be suffering. Shouldn't it?.

I am sorry you are in pain. You asked a good question about the use of Zazen during times of great pain. I can only speak for me, but I tend to sit more when I am in pain (e.g., a death, when my husband and I are going through rough patches, when I am angry). It gives me a still place to view the world from so I can see what I am really feeling (Do I not want my husband to leave because I love him or am I afraid that I will never find someone else....etc.) I think (although I haven't been able to be completely successful at it) that this allows you to feel the pain but not suffer because of it. When you are in the midst of a psychological upset, it does take some effort to make sure your mind isn't off making up stories when you are sitting. Coming back to the now may be more difficult.

Re: A Broken Heart

Yeah. I first REALLY started practicing Zen when my marriage ended and I was a total wreck.
Well, sitting does not help the heartache... not one bit... In fact, it lets you take note of it even more! But, that's not bad, really. It helped me see the source of the pain, my attachment to the thought of being married.
It helped me realize that things will always change and not even delirious loving is permanent!
Basically, you have to endure the heartache and try to make the experience something you can learn from.
We've all been there. it sucks. but, I'm sure we will be here if you need to talk.

Re: A Broken Heart

"So, appreciate to the core a flower as it blooms ... then allow the flower to fade, and fall. Do not resist change.
+
"I've been through diamonds
I've been through minks
I've been through it all
Love stinks"

Thanks for this Jundo. It's nice to know that love stinks and that my love is like a flower that has bloomed and can fade and fall too.

" It gives me a still place to view the world from so I can see what I am really feeling (Do I not want my husband to leave because I love him or am I afraid that I will never find someone else....etc.)

Thanks Lindabeekeeper for this. I've had few days off the Zabuton but you reminded me it helps with not being deceived by myself...I really should go check my reasons etc.

"Whoever finds love
beneath hurt and grief

disappears into emptiness
with a thousand new disguises

-Rumi (Barks, trans.)"
+
"A broken heart is one of the best things that can happen to you if you are on a spiritual path"

Those words came like a flash. I get so caught up in my stuff that I forget this is what I've been practicing for. So thanks for that Steph. I knew words could help! After I read that I felt a little less sorry for myself and had a new vigour to confront my 'broken heart'.

"Basically, you have to endure the heartache and try to make the experience something you can learn from.
We've all been there. it sucks. but, I'm sure we will be here if you need to talk."

Thanks Xander! A little like the Buddha asking a mother to visit every house to see if there's a house without suffering. Everyone's been there.

Thanks guys. I'm gunna print the words out to help me through. And sit some Zazen of course.