Oh, my wife and I, we have our own arrangement. Yeah, one night a week I go out with the boys. And one night a week - SHE goes out with the boys!

Ah, one thing in football don't make sense. The two-minute warning. What's the big warning? Everyone knows you have two minutes to play. To me a two-minute warning is ... like when you're in bed with a chick. The phone rings. It's her husband on his car-phone. He says, "Honey, I'll be home in two minutes." That's a two-minute warning!

Oh, my wife told me she needs five thousand dollars - all her mother's teeth have to come out. I told her, "I'll give you ten thousand dollars - take her tongue out!"

Just remember - it's lonely at the top ... when there's no one on the bottom!

I like southern girls. They talk so slow, by the time they say no - I made it already!

Aw, nothing works out. I bought an Apple computer - there was a worm in it!

Oh, the other night, my wife met me at the front door, she was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble is - she was coming home!

Oh, my wife can spend money. I mean, who tips at a tollbooth? Now she tells me she wants plastic surgery. She got plastic surgery - I cut up her credit cards.

I got no sex life. At my age - I need a designated lover!

My wife and I, we have an off and on relationship. Yeah, everytime I get on - she tells me to get off!

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother!

I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks. The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!"

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food!

Oh, when I was kid, I got no respect. I was kidnapped; they sent back a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof.

Oh, I knew one guy, he never went off his diet - he never drank, he never smoked, he never did anything wrong ... he was in perfect health - right up 'til the time he killed himself.

Oh, I'm getting old - my insurance company sent me half a calendar!

And when we were kids, the whole neighborhood made fun of my brother. They'd call him four eyes. Then when he got glasses then they called him eight eyes.

I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?" He said, "That's a boy, that's my son." I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father." He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!"

In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....

Oh, my old man was strict - he allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst!

Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another!

My life, I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. And I was jealous of the dog - so they got rid of me!

I don't get no respect. One night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand - my wife lit it!

I made love to an inflatable girl - now I got an inflatable guy lookin' for me!

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I was so poor, in my neighborhood - the rainbow was in black and white!

I tell you, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters - my wife and her mother.

Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!

I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....

Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But after they had lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole town gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."