I'm looking for advice on my lyrics. I'm only 14, so don't expect them to be MJK's standard, but I think they're pretty good. Good enough for my teachers to accuse me of plagiarizing at least lol. These are for rock/metal;

EDIT:
I've noticed some more problems with the said example and decided to scrap it. Please criticize the writing on post 4.

The choice that sealed your fate,
The decision that marked your date.
His thirst you cannot sate
His arrival you cannot delay

There's dread behind and doom ahead,
Death's hunger you cannot feed,
His calls you can't ignore,
His summoning you must heed

No turning back, no place to hide
No one to hear your cries,
Nobody to buy your lies,
The end is nigh, your future has died
The light of hope has dimmed,
His evil glare
His stabbing stare
His maniacal, heralding grin,
As he reminds you of your debt
To pay for your sins,
Karma wipes cleans it's knife
Cherishing it's long-awaited revenge.

I'd like to dedicate this to Adam Lanza and James Holmes. Rot in hell, you bastards!
Slightly random, but it contributes to a pretty doommetalishy atmosphere.

Looking back I've just noticed that it's on quite a hackneyed topic, which makes it a bit monotonous. I'll try to write about a bit more interesting things soon, they were just to show you my writing style^

The choice that sealed your fate,
The decision that marked your date.
His thirst you cannot sate
His arrival you cannot delay

Dread behind and doom ahead, (no need for There's)
Death's hunger you cannot feed,
His calls you can't ignore,
His summoning you must heed

No turning back, no place to hide
No one to hear your cries,
Nobody to buy your lies, (no one/nobody: picking one will even out rhythm/flow)
The end is nigh, your future has died
The light of hope has dimmed,
His evil glare
His stabbing stare
His maniacal, heralding grin,
As he reminds you of your debt (reminds: is there a cooler word?)
To pay for your sins, (these two lines could be cooler, better delivered)
Karma wipes cleans it's knife (awesome closing line)
Cherishing it's long-awaited revenge. (no need for its) (typo it's = it is)

I'd like to dedicate this to Adam Lanza and James Holmes. Rot in hell, you bastards! (dont curse your friends, even sarcastically!!! :P lol whatever)
Slightly random, but it contributes to a pretty doommetalishy atmosphere.