The First Step to Self-Acceptance: You Are Not Broken

89 Comments

Hi Sweetheart,

You are not broken. Isn’t that a relief? Yup, your soul doesn’t need to be fixed, nipped, tucked or squished into an acceptable template. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. If you feel like a square peg in a round hole, if you feel unworthy, neglected, banged up or lost in any way—this blog is for you. Welcome to unconditional self-acceptance.

Through my work I get to travel the globe giving lectures and speeches, signing books and meeting thousands of people every year. I treasure those experiences. They remind me that no matter what our history, we’re more similar than different.

We all want to feel peace, connection and love. We all want to heal. And we all can.

As I stand on stages awash in sparkly lights, I often find myself looking into a gentle ocean of searching eyes. Eager seekers trying to learn how to live a good, healthy life. Smiley people. Tall people. Old people. Young people. Sick people. Perky people. All types of interesting people. But sometimes my intuition sees a layer deeper. In those moments, I notice a (subtle) collective anxiety, a pulsing desperation to get it “right.”

Of course a gusto for growth is vitally important. We all benefit from educating ourselves and making lifestyle upgrades. But it’s tricky to make changes from a belief that we’re fundamentally flawed. When we force improvements from that negative space, it becomes impossible to stick with them.

The good news is that it’s possible to seek from a place of fullness rather than lack, excitement rather than fear. To know that even though you may be confused about a particular topic, you’re not incapable. You’re not a project to be checked off and accomplished. Your deep capacity to heal and grow is always present. Always. You don’t need a book or a doctor or a shaman to guide you. You just need to know how to go home to yourself on a daily basis.

“Do you make regular visits to yourself?” — Rumi

Such a great question! Thanks, Rumi.

Recently, my mom and I made visits to ourselves by attending a three-day meditation workshop with best-selling author, Buddhist scholar and psychologist, Tara Brach. It was deeply replenishing for us both. As much as I love teaching, I also cherish my time as a student. The title of the workshop was “True Refuge: Three gateways to peace and freedom.” True Refuge is also the name of Tara’s most recent book, a must read. In between guided and silent meditations, mindful strolls and candid personal reveals, we discussed how to cultivate presence (or mindfulness) through the three gateways: awareness, truth and love. Why do we do this? To access that homey space inside ourselves, to visit the True Refuge.

Hold for a poetry break…

Clearing by Martha Postlewaite

Do not try to save
the whole world
or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create
a clearing
in the dense forest
of your life
and wait there
patiently,
until the song
that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.
Only then will you know
how to give yourself
to this world
so worthy of rescue.

“Create a clearing in the dense forest of your life.” Isn’t that delicious? Tara read that poem to kick off the weekend. When I think of that clearing, I feel an invitation to come back to myself, to experience grace while releasing the thoughts that paralyze me. That clearing is inside you. How easy it is to forget when we get caught up in everyday stressors and old aches and pains. Presence (pause, awareness) is the last thing we think of cultivating throughout the day, especially when the going gets tough and the proverbial shit hits the fan.

Our society makes finding that inner space all the more challenging. Tara discussed how we live in a culture that encourages separation from ourselves and the world around us. Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we’re encouraged to fit into certain standards. “The best bikini bodies revealed!” or “10 things you need to do TODAY or your man will dump your ass!” Unfortunately, the only way to fit in is to whitewash our uniquely fabulous, kinky, quirky, wild essence or real self. Next we construct a fake (more snoring-ly appropriate) self in order to get the love and approval we seek. That kind of validation is built on a house of cards. And as I was reminded this weekend, the separation from our self (soul) only creates more suffering.

The more separation we feel, the harder it is to nestle into the genuine loving refuge inside ourselves. The True Refuge.

But finding your way to unconditional self-acceptance is easier than you think.

If I were to set my inner GPS to “home,” here’s how it would direct me:

Pause and prepare for some Spiritual Spelunking!

Set your intention to find your way back to yourself.

Grab a sturdy flashlight and allow whatever feelings to come up.

Notice without judgement (yeah, get off your own back!).

Have the courage and compassion to sit with any discomfort.

Connect with your heart. You may chat with yourself: “I’m here, it’s OK, I love you.”

Practice non-attachment—basically don’t identify or cling to your shizzle. And remember, it’s a thought, not a fact.

Woot! You made it.

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If pesky, loud thoughts spring up during this practice, remember, it’s just brain blather. If your mind is like mine, it’s a raunchy parrot fluttering amok and crapping all over the place. Except I am not the parrot and neither are you. As we become more conscious of our true nature and as we develop a loving friendship with ourselves, we can slowly awaken from the illusion and realize that we’ve got the goods right here, right now, today, tomorrow and for all eternity. Being present and accepting ourselves in all our messy majesty is our greatest spiritual opportunity.

“Between the stimulus and response there is a space and in that space lie your power and freedom” — Viktor Frankl

So relax your body, release your “shoulds” and as Tara said, “stay close to what matters in your life.” Start to look for healthy, feel-good ways to truly be with yourself. And when self-judgement or attack shoot up, hold those negative thoughts with compassion and loving kindness. You might be surprised at how quickly they dissolve.

If you’re having a hard time with this, Tara suggested an awesome exercise. Identify a being that you see as enlightened. Invite them into your consciousness (I pictured Gandhi and me floating on rafts in my pool, beer cozies and all). Allow them to advise you. Ask yourself to just shhh and listen. And then, just wait for wisdom, comfort and bliss to wash over you.

Your turn: Do you struggle with self-acceptance? What tried-and-true techniques have you used to increase your self-love?

89 Responses…

Thank you thank you thank you. You’re sharing this has come at so perfect a time my eyes popped (how did you know I needed this exact message at this exact moment?!!). You’re kindness and generosity have given me fresh hope for this day and week which started out rather blue, and reminded me to remind myself of the progress I am making in work/life versus focussing on all the things I haven’t accomplished/am behind on.

Need to read this through a few more times, and find a bit of quiet time to reflect and reassure and root for myself:)

Best article yet, Kris! I originally subscribed to your blog for food and health information, but this is so timely for the planet right now. I love your wit and enthusiasm…you make me want to BE a better me…keep doing your thing!

I often feel broken & tossed around by circumstances. I often long to be more beautiful, more
thin, more bubbly, etc. Thank you for reminding me of where peace lies & how vital it is to connect
to that inner garden regularly. You continue to change my life for the better. Thank you Kris.

Wow, this is exactly what I needed this morning. I have been having trouble staying on track, the path to health and self acceptance. The child in me seems to only be soothed with comfort things that are not good for me. Giving her a big hug will have to be the new comfort. Its ok to sit with the feelings. Nothing will happen, except growth.
Thank you Kris for all that you do.

Exactly, Kris! In fact, earlier in the year I wrote a post, a very brief one, almost more of a love poem, with the same title.

And, I consider Tara Brach one of my teachers so this post definitely resonated with me! I like her discussions about the false refuges, places where we go (drinking, food, negative self-talk, etc.) that we think are helpful, but are actually destructive. Too much “self-help” can be a false refuge. Thanks for sharing this post, Kris!

Thanks yet again for a fantastic post – I look forward to reading them every Monday night as it always helps me put my hectic start to the week into perspective! You have been an inspiration to me over the past five years since I was diagnosed with MS. Do you have any plans to visit Australia??

Thank you Kris! This is exactly what I needed to hear today. Beautifully written. Thanks so much for being the shining star that you are, your work is deeply inspiring. I will re-read this blog now…loving that poem.

I loved this post. The idea of spiritual spelunking is fabulous. I’m a storyteller who writes about how inner peace is the key to peace in the world. And healing is such a critical part of inner peace – to include physical healing and emotional and mental healing. Thanks for keeping us healthy!!

You’re amazing. This post is beautiful. I keep a quote board in my office for my team, and today it says, “Create a clearing in the dense forest of your list.” Thank you for this incredible piece of inspiration today.

yes yes yes. i love the clearing in the dense forest. That’s just what I needed to hear this Monday morning as I began to climb onto the rollercoaster of a workweek and just feeling that I need to do MORE and BETTER. But hey, if I’m not broken–maybe I don’t need to spend my time and energy fixing? Maybe what I truly need is more time spelunking….
Lovely ideas.

Hello Kris, I love the way you think, write and work at “being” everyday. Thank you for the insight, I share your words with my family and friends, or the ones I really enjoy anyway. Have a fun summer!
Schelaine

Dear Kris,
I have never written a comment before but this post was too perfect not to respond. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with inner thoughts of self-doubt and bringing my self down as being unprepared for life and a failure. I need to know that its’ OK, its’ all going to be OK. Thank you so much for reminding me that the peace I seek is already within me.
You are a true inspiration,
Helen

Wow, thanks so much for this, Kris! The retreat sounds amazing (I’ve read Tara’s previous book and heard some recordings). I think it is really important to try to get to a place of realizing “I’m not broken.” When I look back over my life, I see that I’ve been trying to Fix Myself ever since I was about 10 yrs old. That kind of focus has never worked for me yet, and leads me on the perfectionism and judgment wagon.

I’ve acknowledged my Monkey MInd, my Reptile Brain, and now I have the Raunchy Parrot, thanks to you! 🙂 Great metaphor… helpful and fitting!

Dear Kris, thank you SO much – your candid & humorous style helps the wisdom really hit home. I love this article and it is very timely – often I feel as if you tune into a collective consciousness and write us, right when we need it most. You are like a trusted friend, bringing light and laughter. I hope you come to Paris, France sometime to lecture. I would organize a group to come meet & listen to you…. I look forward to the next article and will spend a good deal of time rereading this one and putting it into practice…. xx

Tammy, get out! Volunteer to walk someone’s dog, feed the homeless, go to a yoga class, take your beautiful self out into the world, and open your heart to the air and the earth. Focus on giving, and you will receive and find love. You can do it! Replace opposite thoughts to your lonely thoughts–you are a feather on a sparrow’s wings. Fly, my friend!

Well put Jean Marie. Tammy, re-read Kris’ post. Leave your dwelling, be among people, reach out. Reach out your hands, to help someone. Reach out your arms, to find a hug. Reach out with your heart, allow it to find love (if even for a moment, a sunset, the face of a puppy or baby). Take that in, and know you are worthy of that feeling. Reach within yourself, to find peace and unconditional acceptance. Re-read Kris’ post. In your current feeling of loneliness and hopelessness, search as hard as you must to find your clearing in the forest. Know you are not alone, many of us have been where you are now, and we are still here, offering you strength to know it will be better. If you need to, email me. And keep re-reading Kris’ post of encouragement and finding yourself in yourself.

Hello, Kris,
This blog is a perfect back-to-work-on-a-summer-Monday-morning message when so many of us experience a shift between the tempi of different parts of our lives, sometimes an up shift when it comes to the work part, but sometimes an equally intense upshift to the play parts of our lives. We are too often up-tempo for too long. No piece of music, or performing ensemble is lovely or sustainable at a wildly crazy pace. In my case, the impact of living 50+ years at way, way up tempo is borderline Cushing’s, which I’m now learning about and living differently.

Thank you for the reminder to listen inside, and clear that delicious space for self. We each deserve it, often – it is not a luxury reserved for special times and places.

Monday morning, thinking I did not even have time to read your email. Your message just hit the ball out of the park! Thank you for reminding me that one of the greatest friendships we need is with ourselves. That it is not self-centered but healing, to ourselves and our loved ones. It is my Monday juicing day, and I am appreciating you with gratitude in my life.

You are like a true friend and (close) sister on a warm sunny day. Thank you for caring, passing on your resources, knowledge that you have learned, and inspiration in a way that is human, non-judge mental, and just plain ‘aromatherapy’. Thank you for just being yourself. xoxo <3

Thank you so much for the work that you do, I love reading your posts they are always insightful. I especially loved this one as it spoke to me in many ways as I transition through a very rough patch of my life. I am searching on so many levels for something that makes sense to me for “the right thing, job, person” to appear and all will have made sense. When I read “You don’t need a book or a doctor or a shaman to guide you, you just need to know how to go home to yourself an a daily basis”, I felt my shoulders relax and my heart feel at peace. Thank for the clearing I will go there often.

I have a habit of looking at people w knowledge to share (such as yourself) and assume that they no longer feel/think as I do. If I just do what they do, I’ll be “fixed.” I appreciate when people as yourself share their experiences not only as teacher but as student. It helps validate a sense within myself that I’m not alone. I have begun to realize it’s about me taking the knowledge and oiecing it together to find that path back to the silence within myself. So I can again listen to my own true inner beauty. Thank you!

Thank you, Kris!!! Just what I needed to hear RIGHT NOW! I’m making big changes in my life and am realizing that I all I need is to believe in myself and enjoy life! I was way too caught up in trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. This is a waste of time!