Saturday, July 19, 2008

My dad says people change every seven years. I believed that was possible, even for me, but never considered it could be for the worse. What am I becoming?

Talking to my mom today I mentioned some church event I am dreading that will interfere with possible vacation opportunity. I have a really bad attitude about this particular "service opportunity" and in response my mom said, "well maybe you will get extra blessings for this". I replied, "yeah, I always do" because I really always am blessed about a hundred Atimes over for any small effort I begrudgingly make. Without exception. But Mom replied "Yes, but maybe you will get the blessing I am hoping for" I changed the subject. I have to be in complete control of the timing of baby talk with my mom. Her comment was sweet, genuine, and completely non-buggy, but I didn't want to push my luck. Actually, during said phone call I was on a spur of the moment beautiful drive in the canyon with my hubby, wasting time before going to a spur of the moment movie. Let's not be unrealistic here; my childless life is good. And that (at least consciously) was what I was really thinking at the close of that conversation.

Clearly though, based on the fact that it is past midnight, and I am needing so much self therapy, and nothing would feel better than being cruel and insensitive to every fertile person who has accidentally said something remotely dicey in my presence within the last three months (I have total recall when I am in a mood), I have been affected. I get irritated when people project baby longing onto me, yet obviously, based on how frequently out of sorts I am, they are probably right. Ugh. Why am I in such deep denial? Why did I feel nothing during the blessings conversation, yet come home and flip out about three completely un-baby related topics? Why can't I just feel and admit sadness. Why do I filter everything through robot coolness mode, then anger, then confusion, then confusing melancholy?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

On a deeply philosophical note... I was watching the Bachelorette last night;) pleasantly enjoying the episode where the scorned men "tell all". I cannot count how many times the saying "Everything Happens for a Reason" came up. Cute when explaining why Gorgeous Hunk A was passed over for Gorgeous Hunk B, because we all know that Hunk A will find a substitute hot sexy wife and his heart will be magically healed just in time for US Magazine to print a spoiler before the final show airs.

But isn't overuse of that phrase really dangerous? The more people say it the more the idea really catches on that truly everything happens for a reason. And I beg to differ. I advocate getting rid of that stupid saying. It really only works when a great outcome happens after only a marginally bad bump on the road of life is hit. If you marry a really great guy after your first scumbag husband leaves you, did scumbag husband leaving "Happen for a Reason?" Maybe. But what if first husband was really great, and was hit by a drunk driver? Does the phrase work now? Does the "Everything" include child sexual abuse, suicide bombers killing innocents, murder, rape? Offensive isn't it.

This topic leads me into my frustration with people attributing trials to God. God does not give people trials!!! I hear this annoying lie all the time: "God gives us trials so we can learn and grow from them." The God I know is not the author of pain, illness, sickness, or anything ugly at all. We are subject to trials in this life because this is a fallen world, and we agreed to come here, gain a physical body and be tested. We were given agency. If I get cancer, did God give it to me? I say No. I have figured out that the bad stuff is just the contractual, unavoidable yang to the beatiful yin of the world. There must be opposition in all things for His beatiful plan to work. But when that opposition falls on His sweet children? I believe that he weeps for us before we even hear the bad news. Or he lights a path for us before it begins to get dark. I have figured out that infertility is one of the trials that I am going through, but God did not take away my fertility. I know that the Savior Jesus Christ knows exactly what I feel like, especially on the tough days. We do experience trials so we can learn and grow. And our Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ can help us learn from the trials we face, cope with them, and even overcome them. But did they create them? No way.

I am in one of THOSE moods. I hear my friend landed herself in the hospital a wee bit shy of her delivery date. Do I care right now? Real me does. MOOD me does not. MOOD me (MM) is simply annoyed by how said victim can overdramatize non-drama and actual drama (as is the case here) alike to the point that a normal compassionate person like me can't even conjure my normal lump in the throat empathy. Oh wait! I am choking down something - it just ain't tears. I hate Mood me. It is definitely not the event that created mood me that has me so upset. It is my uncanny ability to recall hundreds of seemingly benign encounters and experiences, dissect them, strip them of their innocence, and turn them into ugly proof that the world is conspiring against me. I am a fuschia, hormone enraged She Hulk.

About Me

I am a woman who, despite best intentions, modern medicine, bad advice, and a whole lotta good old fashioned trying, cannot reproduce. I am the genetic mule. These are the stories of my quest for a baby, my denial that I want a baby, and every other thing in between. I have found the best ways to cope with this particular brand of tough stuff is by sharing the sadness and looking for the humor in infertility with fellow mules. Sarcasm, dark humor, occasional bitching, and of course frequent crying all seem to help me. One thing that I have particular trouble with is HOPE. I'll work on it.
But here is something sweet for those of you tough enough to handle some of the H word. I did a google search of "genetic mule" just before I published my first post to make sure no clever person had stolen my name before I got to it, and the only thing that came up was this:
http://www.eyeondna.com/2007/07/31/genetic-impossibility-female-mule-gives-birth-to-foal/
Read it and weep. I did. I guess there is hope even for a mule like me.