Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

head games and control

oh man it has been 3 days and continuing..
1st night i said how i felt and he watched the clock,or at least i tried to as he ran from the discussion rolled over and ordered me to leave him alone..so i left after insults and him demeaning me.not to mention going back on working things out and doing his 50 percent.ok i was stupid thought he'd try or meant it.how could he have it was a small issue but caused upsetness.ok so instead of talking about it he insults me and rolls over on the couch.what was i supposed to do not say something.ok so left.he says i bothered him fro a hour.no tried to talk like 3o mins but left it.
next day ,,silence then im out come home he says let me cool down (now this is 24 hours later)so im ok he played video game sun till time to go to bed then rolled over on the couch again.i tried to say something got head games and blamed belittled and negated.
now its way more than the thing that started it.it was to me him telling me to go and if i respected his i need to calm down and let him then he wouldn't didn't come back and talk.he could care less.he said i barraged him ..ok so live w/that pay.
so i tried that night nothing but those insults why is there always a problem he says.then he says you know what i want .no i don't cause he isn't doing what he says he wants.ok i go.
today i wake up he looks at me says ill talk to you need to make it better when i get home..
ok all day then he come sin says i need to cool down from work.ok 2 hours go by he is playing video games.
now at that point it has been 2 days of him ignoring me with an obvious problem he will not do anything except tell me to go etc.
if i don't he ads time to not talking to me.
so am i crazy isn't this a problem,its always like this its like if i just do what he says it'll be ok but even if i do it isn't he still does this crap..
so back to tonight i left he wasn't talking to me i needed to go out and get tylenol.migraine from this.i came back an hour and half later.i didn't have to sit in here being ignored .couldn't.
so i come back he is still glued to the games then stops.
then he starts with the games .still obviously pist.so i try to talk then ye si get angry at it.i see he is not doing what he said and playing with me so i say so.then what happens .im bothering him go away .so i didn't i stood up and said no.,.then insults .demeaning me.he says calm down ya i was upset had a right.just because he doesn't yell or scream doesn't mean he wasn't angry he is thats the point to what he does..he knows it.then kid games.so int he end he says after i went on and bothered him and my rampage he calls it that he is adding to tonight and tomorrow 14 hours of ignoring me (not talking to me ) time.he wasn't in the first place.in i shut up then maybe no he wouldn't hadn't.thats what happened what was here.
the thing in the first place...the other day it was we had plans and i said something because in the end they didn't happen and he was staring at a movie that was degrading and laughed and smiled at tits on the movie.i had to sit at his brothers and watch even though i didn't want to plus he stayed even though we had plans.i couldn't even say how i felt.i did he choose to say mean things to me.i said i didn't like them so no i wasn't liking that.i said something then he blanked on me.
so much fro his 50 percent.
now what..
he expects me to live by his rules his wants.do mine matter ..no.i see that clearly..i cant sit here all day weds till thurs which he will be home and be in this silent treatment.then if he ever decides to talk it will the same cause he wont listen and if he doesn't like what i say then go away he will say if i don't then he will ignore more it wont end..
so what now?was i wrong to say something .cant i have feelings.he is cold and cruel..
he will say he will talk to me then wont or make up something.then i go away he says i don't. i did.not in his exact time that he wanted .then sit on his grudge .then when he comes back or stops playing video game she lays on the couch eyes away or closed.i try to talk i get an attitude then snottiness.so i cant fix anything it is that .he wont...im crazy or is this real.im kinda real upset its 2 am weds morning.i haven't even slept yet.so i hope im making sense.he is driving me crazy.i don't know what to do.leave yet i don't know.not let it get to me,impossible tried for 2 days.i got punished for trying to talk to him sun night for and hour then mon for 20 mins.then tonight tues for 2 hours.i didn't go away at his orders and his foul language.what am i supposed to jump and be held in Limbo.til he feels like it.

ok this is all too much.its so crazy can you see that.i feel like im gonna or am having a frickin nervous breakdown.he is 2 people./its all games.eh could care less.then says he does.i cant do a thing right and even if i do its still not.does that make sense?to anybody?
he literally said he dint care about real big things.huge ..do you know what this feels like living with him..he is a pig.i feel that.i tried to not let it get to me sun night then mon.it did btu i tried then tuesday.then that night it was to much.so i got pist yes i did .now im paying and he counted every 5 mins i said more then an hour was added.oh man i wanted to you know..how would you feel.it was like i said this so that sit to him..it was his rule..why should i be surprised it was nt that way a week ago.flip flop..
is he crazy is this purposeful??
i know leave...im so messed up.do i where would i go??
is there anything more anyone can tell me..i dont know .i just need some support or something.

You have to leave him. Unless you want to have a friggin nervous breakdown. Unless you wanna be treated like garbage and abused and played with and upset and miserable and everything you've been saying on here. He wont change. Only you can change. He WONT change. Stop making yourself crazy, stop hurting yourself. There comes a time when it's not his fault anymore, he's not hurting you, You're hurting you. You know better but you still put yourself in that position. You hurt yourself because maybe you feel you deserve it deep down. Maybe you feel you can't do better. Maybe you are still addictied to the idea he'll change for you someday. I was addicted and still am addicted to some extent to my ex. I'm self destructive and have low self worth. I know better but I keep hurting myself in all sorts of ways. Don't ask why he keeps hurting you, ask why YOU keep hurting you. Why You are afraid to leave, to love yourself. hugs

emmmm ----- this is a great place to be heard, and part of the process is to vent and vent and vent. And this is a good place to do it.

Here's the thing ----- one way to be in an abusive relationship is to vent and vent and vent ----- and vent and vent ----- . . . . .

Another way to be in an abusive relationship is to vent, and listen and vent and grow and vent and LEAVE. And then, after you've left, you've got to continue to grow and love yourself, and not hook up in ANOTHER abusive relationship.

You can come on this board and others and vent and vent and vent.

Everything you describe is AWFUL. It's abusive, obviously. We'll all validate that for you. It's ABUSIVE.

So, now you have choices:

Stay and be abused. And you will be abused.

As long as you stay you'll be abused.

(By the way emmmm ----- the more you try to &quot;talk&quot; to him, the more you'll be abused. &quot;Talking&quot; to him will not get him to change. Not ever. NEVER!!!!! He WON'T change. (Are you HEARING this? If YOU'RE not hearing this, do you imagine that he's hearing YOU??????????)

The other choice is to leave.

There are support services just about everywhere to help people leave escape abuse. Use or don't use them. That's another choice. But they're there!

i dont know what to say its so complicated and not that easy guys..
love me.i don't know...all i know is this.yeah maybe i thought i should stand up and say how i felt.it was so bad worse than i wrote so i couldn't take it.its let him or say no.so i said no.thats what i got.
addicted maybe used to or attached.
we had this long talk in front of his family and i thought.i was stupid but now hat.dv shelter didn't help me before and i have some thing to consider i wrote them here before.some things.
i wish it was that cut and dry.he seems to find it all out..i ran into a old friend the other day but she never called and i don't know her number.problem she isn't all trustworthy and she works at a place where he fixs the computer equipment.
so i feel so stuck.
i don't mean to come on and vent i needed someone.
its all swirling in my head and crazy ok.
i try to detach from him take back my control and thats what i get.maybe i went about it wrong..
going when he says feeds in to his control..i went out before that he got mad cause i did.
you guys its hard.leave not so cut and dry.i wish i could explain it all.thanks anyway..
doing it to my self??
trying was no good i guess..being in a situation where i dot feel for me that its good to go to a shelter.forme.personally .trying to wait.you see id have to act and it doesn't work.i swear if he could pick at it more then i would be nothing....maybe i do i don't know..
maybe he is right tits all me...i would not like to think so.its all so conflicting....now what do you think??

I&quot;m sorry if I was abrasive at first. I guess I'm frustrated with myself lately. I know how it is too. I may say do this or that but I don't do them either. I know it's not so cut and dry. You get so wrapped up. You have to slowly consciously break free emotionally, mentally, just start taking back yourself. Becoming aware of reality as it is. It's like an addiction I found out. I'm an alcoholic too and my ex is just like an addiciton. Everything you've said I can relate to. It's hard but you have to reach out for help. Seek counceling, shelters, anything. Reach out. And stop thinking nobody really understands. Like your situation is unique. That's what we've all felt. It's part of the control. It hurts. It's scary. It's sucks dog shit, but it is what it is. You're being abused. I'm sorry for that. a big hug from me

hey rain no dont be sorry.sometime si feel like that.its so hard and you know an addiction i dont know maybe.im adicted to cigareetes..
never did anything else.
its hard i never got attached to anyone til him ...
yes IT SUCKS BIG DOG SHIT!!!!!!
its hard i do have to get to a place where i can.i have alot of work ahead of me.i know..
illene every time i call the dv line i reverted to the same shelter because of where i live..??
when i was little before i got taken away from my parents.i went to dv shelters with my mom back and forth.they were so scary .it was bad.
for the longest time i used to think mom why didn't you leave him choose me.i now see and get it.she didnt know any better .it was hard for her.i forgive her.i dont know where she is if she is ok.last i knew she was all messed up ..i am so scared to become like her yet i dont hate her..i remember she loved me.that i know.last time i saw her long time ago i remember he r being so doped up on meds...i have a lot to consider a lot of which is my emotional state.this isnt good neither is that.
i know he is abusive realize it.we all go through it yes the cycle.you think it will be ok.or some desperate thing to stop feeling what i do
sometime sit get sto the poitn wher i feel like in thsi timy corner and its like im alwasy in this defensive.with him i have to..take it..
i gues for along time i thoguth make the plan get out.however living it in the meantime is hard..you know im not a god liar or actor..
on and off switch??

What I mean is that we either accept being abused or we don't. When we don't, we do what it takes to get to that safer place.

I don't know where you live. In the state where I live, which is Connecticut, there are shelters all over the state. I think there are eighteen. If you tell them that the one you went to before was wrong for you (maybe tell them why), and ask for a different placement, that SHOULD be possible. It's certainly worth trying.

Abuse is tough. But it's NOT complex. You hang around for it, or you work to find a safe way to get out.

illene i live in stafford ct. i didnt find much help...it was a shelter in enfield..i call and say call you back and when i try to say whats going on the lady last time cut me off said mam what do you want. i also talked to a man who seemed nice but was told id have a month.then thats it.how is that gonna work.i have nothing it worrys me.i have made a serious mess out of my life with this guy and now im trying to find a way out some sanity.
yes im scared i agree with you all..i have children with my ex and he is and has for 4 yrs used them as weapons.i have them half the time he the other.i am in court with him.so my life is under a microscope right now.
they will not look at this good if i go.my son is in therapy for me and his father not being together and it will devastate him if i cannot bring him with me,in the shelter i cannot.
so thats been a big thing for me and the reasons i stay.
io know ultimatley that i cant and im trying to me to just stop the court for awhile so i can get my life back together.
its a lot for me to think about.plus for me emotionally yes the childhood memories come back and its all swirls so many worry's etc.then during all this i developed panic attacks lots of anxiety.so i feel sometimes paralyzed.
so yes getting away from him is in the end the best i realize this .i do.
i know even if sometime s i dont want to admit it myself.its letting go of an dream an image i thought he was.obviously in the beginning i would not have been with him if he was like this.no in the beginning he was one of those nice guys..like the descriptions on that list vonnie posted.
so in the process ive thought what am i doing ?ok try to change this.ive been back and forth but really it s not me i know this now.begin on here has helped me to see al ot of things.
yes from time to time i get caught up in his lies.but reality and the truth of it all is there.i think sometime is try to deny it to myself to have some kind of peace.i know that cant work.
so i see i do.its hard to realize you have been betrayed and used or whatever these things are from someone you thought loved you.
in any event this is what it is.i have to do something but first i have to get myself together.now i guess serve my time the punishment he has dealt out.
in reality who cares i just thought he is a nasty person so ignore me.i mean right.what would i do with him.ill never feel good and know he has no love.anything i could do with him would be fake.i think within myself the more i realize these things as painful as they are the better off i am.
have to find a way to get around this get a job do the things i need to do.whether he likes it or not.all i can do is think that now..
i do and will write when i feel it helps and i guess i don't mean to vent its just i feel like im in a world that sos crazy and i know it is so i need to come somewhere where there is sanity and no im not crazy if you know what i mean.its healing for me.

can i say one more thing i think i have this abandonment issue..
it goes back to what happened with my mom.i remember but i don't remember much of my childhood but remember certain things.on was the day they came and took me away.i remember my father got arrested taken by the police i remember being brought to a hospital.then also my mom.
i remember being in this hallway i think it was st francis.anyway they were talking to her almost as if she had a choice and she had a pen and there was paper .i remember crying mommy no she signed it .later i found out she signed away her rights.
then i was in homes .i dint see her.for the longest time i wondered why she choose him.why but i have to inside forgive that.she didnt know.
although i do think it has shaped me to feel things i do and thats part i feel abandoned by him .he doe i know .yet that little girl is crying and saying no why why?
i wish i could get over that yo know.
i mean whoever said life was easy..

K, from what I could pick up from what you were saying, cause it was a bit hard to understand, but I would say, this guy you are with, does not know how to have a normal relationship. He is a wounded, dysfunctional, insecure idiot. It is not you that has the problem, it is him.

It is hard to leave, but that is probably the sane thing to do. This guy needs some serious work, therapy, and even then, I don't think it works enough to totally change this guy. You will just get more upset as time goes on, and if you can live with that craziness, than stay.

Have you tried just withholding sex, and going about your own life and ignoring him. See what happens. The thing is, do you want to do that. What kind of life is that.

I know it is hard, but you need to move on. You can find someone else. It may not happen right away, but wouldn't you just be happier on your own by yourself too. Get your sanity back. You deserve better. Anyone in that situation would. See who ends up with a better future in the long run. I bet it is you. He can't sustain a normal healthy relationship, so one day he'll see you happy with someone and he will still be miserable.

Emmm...if nothing changes, nothing changes. It really IS that simple and uncomplicated. I love what these ladies are saying because they are trusting you to make brave decisions.
It is your choice to stay stuck or do something different. After all your posts, I for one, can't say anything else that would keep you in victim status. I have become frustrated and that is on me, not you. I actually want to go to your house, tell you to pack a bag and walk out the front door with you. But I can't do that, nor should I. It's up to you.
I walked out the front door at 15 and left my father. I had no one to go to. I rented a room and finished high school and worked. So I'm not talking out of my ---.
As my mother used to say, &quot;if you don't like the footprints on your back, stand up&quot;.

dear emm - its really quite sad to see the situation you are in - only you can make the decisions you need - find a councellor to help you discuss options that you might not see from where you are sitting but make sure they understand the legal implications with your son from your ex - next i cant add anything that anyone else has already said except keep venting in the meantime and know that ppl in the group are listening to you - please take care jd

Hey hun. It's a really hard situation to be in and hard to get out, but you can do it!

1. Get mad. Get really really mad about him and all the mean messed up stuff he does. Realize and tell yourself over and over that the &quot;nice&quot; stuff is just a lie to pull you in and control you so he can abuse you.

2. Disengage from him. Act &quot;normal&quot; around him and don't tell him anything you're feeling or thinking. Make him oblivious to your thoughts and feelings so you can have space to clear your head, think, and plan. Make him think everything is &quot;normal&quot; while you plan your getaway.

3. Get support. Talk to anyone you think could help. Use online forums, you can call free counseling hotline, suicide hotlines will also talk with you and help (even if you're not suicidal), call the women's organizations and shelters just to talk. Contact any friends and family you think might be supportive. Read websites about abuse and you will be educated so you understand the cycle and how to get out.

4. Plan your getaway. Figure out a safe place to go like a family or friend who is ok with it or a shelter. Review and use the rules for having a safety plan and leaving.

5. Psyc yourself up to leave. Keep telling yourself that you need to leave or your life will never get better and only get worse. Mentally go through all the things you need to do like what you will take with you, how and what you will pack up and your safety plan. Go over this over and over in your head so you know it really well. Also consider possible problems that might come up and plan what you will do incase they happen.

6. Muster all the strength, courage, and will you have to live and LEAVE! Know that it won't be easy, but it's the only hope for getting out of the abusive situation and getting yourself the better life that you deserve. Resolve to yourself and have others hold you accountable that you will NOT go back or get into another relationship for a while.

7. After you leave, write down all the bad and mean things you remember him doing so you won't be tempted to go back. Focus on yourself, pamper yourself, do things you like, and concetrate on creating a good life for yourself. Stay out of relationships until you feel stable and are prepared to spot the red flags VERY well.

All of this may seem impossible now, but don't give up! You have to believe in yourself and realize that you deserve and can have a better life without your abuser! Many times abuse causes people to feel attached to the abuser and think they should stay, but it's not true! The only right thing to do is leave, no matter what anyone tells you.

But give yourself the time that you need to realize things, and get yourself ready and do your plan to get out. It's not easy and most people can't just do it really fast. Keep thinking about all this stuff and one day you will be ready and will be able to leave and create a good life for yourself and be happy.

Just remember, whatever you do, don't give up and keep taking whatever tiny steps you can. Start by trying to change your thinking and feelings about yourself and the situation, and you will be able to get out one day.

I can so relate to your post. I've been there. My ex was a drunk who would verbally abuse me when he was drunk..then he wouldn't remember it the next day. I would pray each night that he would pass out so I could have some peace. I stayed with him because I am disabled and thought I couldn't do it alone. I needed his health insurance. I got Social Security Disability in July and he asked for a divorce in September. I am sooo glad he did. I probably wouldn't have left otherwise. Now that I am out I can see how abusive he was. I could see it escalating with a shove or arm grab. I am now in an abuse survivors group and therapy. I know I don't deserve to be treated this way. Praise God for his support though family and friends. Hugs to you!

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??

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