FDA: Veganism Gives Humans Superpowers

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A new study by the Food and Drug Administration finds that veganism gives human beings powers akin to those possessed by wizards and superheroes.

The powers, which range from x-ray vision to super strength or the ability to fly have been described by one government researcher as “well beyond the limits of what science has thought physically possible.”

Dr. Karl Buechner is head of the FDA research team assigned to the project and author of the report published in the Science Journal earlier this week. He concludes definitively that prolonged subsistence on a purely plant-based diet can not only lower your risk of heart disease and many cancers, but can also fundamentally change the way that your cells consume energy and interact with each other in the body.

The experiments Dr. Buechner arranged involved bringing long-time vegans into a research laboratory to confirm their extraordinary abilities. In the group were 15 vegans who had been on a plant-based diet for over five years each. Of the group, 14 were able to manifest some extraordinary physical ability. One man was able to fly, and another teleported around the facility effortlessly.

Only one vegan in the group was unable to demonstrate any abilities whatsoever. It was later discovered, however, that he occasionally consumes honey.

A control group of omnivores and another of vegetarians were unable to achieve any results in the battery of tests.

One especially telling experiment involved surreptitiously exchanging the vegans’ shoes or belts for leather ones. All of the vegans were unable to perform their feats while wearing leather.

“These findings may be the gateway to a new branch of medicine, not to mention a key to a new step in the human evolution,” said Dr. Lee Acosta-Lewis of the Department of Health and Human Services.

The Pentagon released a statement yesterday saying they were conducting experiments of their own that may lead to all branches of the military converting to a plant-based diet in hopes of creating a group of super-soldiers. Defense secretary Robert Gates told reporters yesterday, “We will not be taking any steps until we have achieved quantifiable results comparable to those of Dr. Buechner.”