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"To be a prick" The other day at The Abbey I ran into One-Tooth, who I had not seen for some weeks. "One-Tooth! Where have you been? I thought you"d been Calvin Cole"d!" I exclaimed. "I"m still here, don"t worry," he replied. "I"ve been in the VA for a few weeks - leg trouble - but now I"m better. What"s been going on? How"s the love life?" he asked. "Ech, rotten," I said. "How"s yours?" "Still with Ruby," he said. He smiled and hummed a few notes from "Ruby, My Dear." "But I worry about you. You know, one time Rachel said to me, "J. has a false self-image - he thinks he"s poetical and sensitive, but deep down he"s a prick. As soon as he accepts that he"s a prick, he"ll find happiness." You know, she"s right. You"re like Alan Alda! You"ve been Alda-ized!" "You mean emasculated?" I asked. "That"s right," he said. "The Alda-ized man is the perfect man for a woman to tell her troubles to, but he"ll never get her lovin". And that is a scientific FACT." "So you agree with Rachel that I should be a prick?" "Absolutely. Do you know how painful it is for me to hear about your wimpy behavior with the ladies? A disgrace to every male in Naptown! And that friend of yours Rocky is not helping matters either, laying around on the porch reading poetry like a furry fop. You need to get it together! Be a prick!" "I"ll discuss this with Rocky," I said. "Aaaaaaaaarggh! Pricks don"t discuss things! They just do things!" he replied. "Well, can I at least confer with Nena about this? After all, she and I have been friends, that is, in the platonic sense, purely non-physical, friends on a higher level, so to speak, for 18 years ..." "... thus proving my point. J., I officially give up on you!" One-Tooth said with a laugh, and walked away.

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