thank you mystic eyes for your kind thoughts, and aaron for sharing your experience :hug: i'm sorry to hear about your brother and the grief that caused within your family. you sound like a very caring person.

does anyone know what it feels like to want to die- i feel my life is walking on tip toe on wounds that run very very deep, it's a landscape of complete destruction and wreckage and when i feel this- stand on something that cuts my feet, fall into a hole, or i climb out , stand on tip toe again and fully realise the vast expanse of damage, there is no reason to keep me here. the pain is unbearable. my family isn't a reason as are any so called 'relationships' i have had because they have caused most of what i'm experiencing too.

and then i wonder, 'how have i lived all my life with all this inside of me?'

yeah i suppose so. i have been getting tired of people saying i'm 'so strong' because it invites certain people to profit from my strength and beat me up emotionally that 'i will keep going because i'm so strong and have had this all my life'. but i think hearing your words right now makes sense. if i wanted to die, i'd have gone. i used to paint the wreckage a lot when i was younger, and i didn't fully realise what i was doing. it's only now i realise, i was painting something within me which i couldn't see was inside. as i couldn't understand or appreciate how much i was hurting back then. it was all 'normal'.

I hurt so much reading your words because i know it is so true - no one can know, but you, the devastation you are feeling... and saying you are strong seems so empty in contrast. Yet......you are able to give hope to others that just one more day is possible because of the power of who you are.

Your endurance in the face of what you have expressed so tragically and beautifully is a tribute to the inner you that is so unique! I am so sorry you feel so low right now - the world would be a more empty place without the depth of feeling and creativity you have to contribute.

Please hang on and thank you for sharing - as painful as it is. Death within from the damage of years of pain...you reacted in the only way you could, an instant reaction from past experience - you didn't "let" anything happen - not your fault - your endurance. It will take time and effort to heal but it is possible...it has to be.

Dealing with abuse is the strongest trigger I've ever had. Its such an awful, frightful, monstrous feeling. The shame and anger and impotence is just god awful. And the stronger the flashback the more pushed you feel toward escaping it all. :unsure:

But as much as me wants to die in those times, I'm really glad to be hear today. LIfe doesn't have to resolve around the negative emotions and memories of abuse. And slowly but surely you can start to enjoy bits of life again.

The most helpful thing I've had in resisting that urge is having a strong support group and journaling. Like you my family won't acknowledge it. At all to the point of being selectively deaf during a conversation. But family is most often the worst thing for support, and you can find real support that'll help you through some of these horrific struggles.