Before we get to the Funbag this week, I'm in Brooklyn for a Gelf Magazine thing on Thursday if you feel like going. It's at Pacific Standard. Afterwards, we can all get drunk and watch Tebow run the T formation against the Jets. Also, I'll be at the National Press Club book fair tonight signing books and standing there like a tit. Stop by and say hi if you like. Your letters:

Scott:

If you could choose anyone, who do you wish would have a picture of their dong be exposed for all the internet to see? Out of sheer curiosity, mine would be Shaq's.

I'd probably choose Obama's. Sexual orientation aside, penises aren't all that interesting to look at regardless of circumstances. It's not like you're gonna find a snake rattle on the end of one. I'd only want to the see the president's penis, and THAT penis is only worth checking out if you happen to know the penis size of everyone else who has occupied the Oval Office. Information on presidential penis size is, unsurprisingly, scant. However, I did find this quasi-penisnugget:

(Abe) Lincoln almost certainly sported a lanky member, but not necessarily because he was a tall man.... Marfan's Syndrome, a connective tissue disease from which Lincoln is thought to have suffered, could potentially have enhanced the depth of his dangle when flaccid.

Goddamn, that sounds like one kickass disease. Gotta see that Lincoln dong. I wonder if your perception of presidents would change if you knew the size of their genitals. Like if Jimmy Carter had a pecan tree in his pants, would you still think of him as a passive dipshit? These are the kind of questions that will vex me to the grave.

Chris T:

Where the fuck is Applewood and why do they smoke the world's supply of restaurant bacon?

I'm pretty sure it refers to wood used to smoke the meat. FACT: That little "Applewood" name tossed on the menu allows restaurants to charge you an extra $2 for any bacon you order. And you know what? I always fall for it. I know it's a ruse, but anytime I see the words "Applewood smoked bacon" on the menu, I'm always like, "Well I gotta have THAT!" That's one of those menu phrasings that has become universal because it's so diabolically effective. It's like when the menu says they have "hand cut" french fries. As if it matters if they're hand cut or not. But anytime I see "hand cut" on there, I immediately crave french fries. If the American Nazi party rebranded themselves the "Applewood farm fresh hand-cut Nazi party," I'd join instantly.

Adam H:

Throwing plausibility aside, how much of a shitstorm would Lebron James signing with the Cleveland Browns during the NBA lockout create? Let's pretend it was simply a 1-year-deal and that he would return to the NBA for the 2012-2013 season. How would Cleveland react? Do they suddenly start cheering for him? Or do they become self-depricating and hope that Ray Lewis destroys him? Is there any level of success he could have with the Browns that would make Cleveland forgive him for putting on a Miami Heat jersey? Would ESPN spontaneously combust?

LeBron has already teased on Twitter about joining the Cowboys (he's a Cowboys fan and Yankees fan, just in case you were wondering if he was a cocksucker or not), and now that the lockout is about to go on indefinitely, I promise you that LeBron will step up his little Twitter musings about trying out for the NFL, because he is a pathetic sack of shit who is desperate to be loved. He'll never actually go through with it, because he's a huge pussy and would be too afraid to fail. But if he really did decide to try out for an NFL team...

1) It would never be the Browns.

2) He would probably try and get teams to court him before committing, because he's a needy gash.

3) Even though everyone hated "The Decision," LeBron would almost certainly find a way to publicly make a spectacle of his NFL decision, which will make you hate him all the more.

4) ESPN will fall for it and it will suck.

I promise you that LeBron will become more "serious" about this idea in the coming months. You watch. It'll be horrible.

Cameron:

Would you take Sandusky's cock, just once, in the pooper if it would've saved his other victims from their fate?

ALL of them? So I take it up the ass just one time and all 20 kids are saved? I want to say yes, but it's easy to say yes to a hypothetical. It's quite another thing to go through with it once Judgment Day arrives, and you have to stand there with your naked ass sticking out, waiting for the old man to do his business. The only way I'd definitely sack up and go through with it is if everyone at PSU promised me free Applewood hickory smoked bacon for life AND if I got to live tweet it.

By the way, I wish columnists would stop emphasizing that victims of Jerry Sandusky are essentially leading ruined lives. Imagine being victimized by that piece of shit and then reading all over the place that you have virtually no hope of leading a normal life. If you've ever been a victim of abuse, you need reassurance that your life HAS NOT been destroyed. Instead, it seems like columnists have gone out of their way to try and emphasize how emotionally damaged these people will be now, as if you didn't already know that being raped is a traumatic event. It's not helping. Craggs described it as, "Moral showboating... the 'I'm more against child abuse than you' shit... it's 'I pity the children more than you.'" EXACTLY. I don't need your help to see the ugly truth of it all, Lupica. The grand jury report did the trick quite nicely.

I watched the interview with Sandusky last night, because I always enjoy hearing breathy pedophiles talk on the phone. Anyway, Sandusky was admitting to showering with kids (with his lawyer probably making an urgent throat-slashing gesture off camera), and I was trying to think back to when I played football in school. I don't ever remembering coaches showering with the team. In high school and college, coaches had their own separate faculty dressing facilities, so you never saw them dressing (though they'd often come into the locker room while you were getting dressed to review game plans and shit, which never bothered me). Sometimes, we had road trips and the coaches and players would have to share a locker room. But even then, I don't remember coaches showering with the players after a game. If one of the younger assistant coaches had showered with us or something, I don't think I would have batted an eyelash. But even they didn't shower with us, mostly because coaches don't NEED to shower after a game. All they do is stand on the sidelines.

I thought Sandusky's recollection of the night McQueary caught him allegedly sodomizing a kid was insane. So you were playing slip n' slide in a gang shower? On a hard tile floor? And your nipples lived to tell about it? I THINK NOT. And why are you playfully snapping the boy with a towel? THAT HURTS. I'd almost rather be diddled than whipped with a wet towel.

One more thing about PSU: I read Paterno's autobiography when I was in high school. This was back when I fantasized routinely about becoming a big time football coach, before I found out that coaching is a shitty job with long hours. And I remember this passage from the book about his stance on profanity:

I don't allow any swearing in my home. Anybody can use four-letter words. Why not show you're different by not using them?

Later on, I went to a football camp and one of the coaches there was an assistant at Penn State. I asked him if it was true that Paterno never cursed.

HIM: Hell, no. He swears ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

I lost a father that day. I think we all did.

Brian:

Can someone please explain to me why the hell I would want a second button on the inside waistband of my work dress pants? It's not a replacement button; it's a second button and button hole.

My boss is lucky I button my pants at all after lunch. Button them twice? Hell no. I know the one day I decide to try that second button is the day I crap my pants because the street-cart falafel I ate for lunch used the EZ Pass on its way through my intestines.

Even worse if the button and weak-metal-hook combination that's a trademark of the many Haggar chinos my mom forced me to wear as a child. If you were ever a fat kid, you know that the metal hook always threatened to give out under the strain of your gut. Often, the cheap thread holding the inside button would come unraveled, and the hook was all that was left to use. I still remember seeing the hook imprinted in red on my waist after taking my pants off. I didn't enjoy my adolescence very much.

Frank:

In the Toy Story universe, how many times so you think Woody, Buzz and the gang have witnessed Andy jerking it?

Oh, that's horrible. You've ruined a treasured family series for all of America. I hope you're happy. I'd say at least 4,900 times. And you know what the worst part is? They aren't allowed to look away. They have to stand there and watch as Andy discovers the wonders of his own body, then they have to pretend to like it when Andy goes and plays Army without washing his hands afterwards.

Paul:

Why is it that Peter King can only publish 10-50 tweets at one time? Never 1 or 2 tweets from the big man. I feel that this is some kind of violation of the Twitter user agreement. Like you should be limited to 140 characters per tweet and 640 per 15 minute period.

I've been just as guilty of going on Twitter runs as Peter (though Peter often spends 30 tweets answering questions about his dog and the Red Sox). And as someone who likes to use Twitter as a news feed, I should know better. There are few things more annoying than opening up your feed and seeing that Buzz Bissinger decided to post 45 tweets in the span of five minutes before going to take his daily lithium prescription. QUIT HOGGING MY BANDWIDTH JUST YOU CAN PUBLICLY WORK OUT YOUR ISSUES. I need a few @DadBoner jokes in there to help with variety.

John:

Do you think that there is there anyone in the US over the age of 18 that has never tried McDonald's? Aside from the possibility of someone not eating there because they are horribly allergic to everything on the menu or that they live in some sort of shanty with a pack of wolves in the middle of Alaska, I can't image there being an adult in this country that has never at least TRIED McDonald's. My girlfriend thinks I am an idiot for thinking that everyone in the US has at least tried McDonald's, but she can't seem to find any proof that I am wrong.

I'm sure there are people out there who have never been, especially if they've been raised by hippies or whatever. And now that the whole foodie movement has started, you'll encounter a whole new generation of people who have never stepped foot inside the Golden Arches, which is too bad because they still make the world's greatest french fries. NO ONE DENIES THIS. I'm as guilty as anybody of the whole, "Boy, I haven't eaten at a McDonald's in X years!" move. It's the first thing I say any time I walk in a McDonald's, as if the person next to me gives a shit. Are you not impressed with my ability to avoid mainstream American foodstuffs?! One thing I do avoid is condemning my Mickey D's meal after I've eaten it. You'll always have that one friend that's like, "Oh God. I can't there again for a while. I FEEL SO UNHEALTHY." Hey asshole, no one MADE you order two McRibs and then combine them into a DoubleRib. You did that all by yourself. Don't try and distance yourself from your McDonald's hookup.

By the way, I went to Chick-Fil-A today and I still haven't finished orgasming. Goddamn, that is one great piece of Evangelical wingnut chicken.

HALFTIME!

Scott:

Who you got to win the Super Bowl if the NFL goes with baseball substitution rules? That is, if you leave the game, you're out of the game. If you want Tom Brady as your QB, you best be prepared to have him play some linebacker too. Lineman would likely just switch sides due to size, but the skill players would be all over the map. Peyton Manning could become the 'closer', never to enter a game until the final drive if his team is within one score (either ahead or behind). I think your best bet for a winning team is an athletic team like Philadelphia with a guy like Vick who could probably play some DB. What do you think?

I still wouldn't bet on the Eagles to win it all if NFL rules were like that, mainly because Andy Reid would find any number of ways to fuck it all up. At first, when I saw your question, I thought that every team would keep a pocket passer in on offense, then have him play deep safety and the passing totals would end up skyrocketing. But that's not how it would go down. Part of the reason that college football and the NFL are both so pass-happy today is because the game has evolved away from its Ironman roots. If we were to revert back, then you wouldn't able to hide a QB playing defense, and attrition between modern NFL teams playing Ironman would be staggering. You'd have to simplify offenses to the point where you could alternate QBs easily when necessary. And if you couldn't hide your QB on defense, that almost certainly means he'd have to have superb athletic ability. In other words, I think Tim Tebow is probably petitioning the NFL for that rule change to go into effect TODAY.

Chris:

If you're making a salad, baby carrots will be available soon...

That is so HOT.

Nick:

As a hockey fan, how excited should I reasonably be about the NBA lockout? I feel like the NHL has recovered very well since the 04-05 lockout, and that hockey has been slowly but steadily gaining popularity and legitimacy every year since. I'm hoping that this year could be huge for the NHL in terms of attracting new fans and receiving more media attention. What's the realistic outlook? Potential big-picture turning point for the league, one year of increased spotlight followed by a return to obscurity, or no noticeable benefit at all?

I think it'll get a bump in popularity, especially once March Madness ends. But it'll still be relatively low bump because the league decided to re-up with NBC and Versus in April. I know NBC promised to expand their coverage so that playoff games aren't cut off just so people can watch Dateline and shit, but still. The league fucked up badly by not signing with ESPN, especially since they knew the NBA was going to have labor problems this season. Now that the NBA season is about to be cancelled, the NHL could have lorded over that network. Instead, since ESPN doesn't have the rights, they'll give hockey about as much coverage as they do the Arena League. They don't give a shit about sports they don't have a hand in broadcasting. Once college basketball is over, they'll turn to the NFL Draft for 50 minutes every night. Then, once the draft happens, they'll move to baseball, Tiger Woods doing stuff, and coverage of LeBron James' decision to attend Cowboys minicamp. They will go out of their way to ignore the NHL, like a deformed child. And the worst part is that you're going to have 50,000 sportswriters all telling you, "Hey, you should really be watching hockey!", which is annoying.

I still have very fond memories of the great hockey renaissance of '94, when the NHL playoffs were on ESPN and everyone was playing NHL '94 on Genesis. This was back when ESPN ran their big NHL ad campaign, and the ads were fucking AWESOME.

I wish they still ran those ads.

Jeff:

Why do those "Emergency Service" tests that cable providers run every so often during the middle of the day have to be so fucking loud and horrible sounding? I can't think of anything else that gets my heart racing faster than when one of those tests goes off unexpectedly.

We have an alarm system in our house, and once in a while my wife will run a test of it to make sure it works. And even though I KNOW the beep is coming, I still jump out of my skin when it comes, because it's so fucking loud. I'm like Will Ferrell in Elf when he has to test the jack-in-the-boxes. It's one of those sounds that seems to originate in the center of your skull, like the punishing tone you get when you dial a wrong number. Or a smoke alarm. Why does the smoke alarm have to be so piercing? It's like it's STABBING me. One day, I'm going to buy ten smoke alarms at the store, line them up, and then beat the shit out of them with a bat. Smoke alarms are cunts.

Our alarm system has a motion detector that you can turn off if you feel like going to get a glass of milk in the middle of the night. The only problem is that when I turn off the motion sensor, I forget that the alarm is still active. So two hours later, I'll open up the front door and ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE. It's like there's a German bombing raid going on INSIDE THE FUCKING HOUSE. Just one time, I'd like an actual burglar to break in so that I know the alarm system saved my life instead of serving as a loud, blaring notification device for my own stupidity.

Kieran:

Sadly, he was not leading a pack of Scions. The sticker says "your girlfriend on board"

Oh, that's awful. And you know damn well that he was proud of himself for coming up with ALFA WLF. "Like, what's even alpha-er than an Alpha Dog, bro? ALPHA WOLF!" I want to get a plate that says ALFA LION and park beside him.

Kyle:

How much money would it take for you to own a cat? You can't "lose" the cat on purpose or anything after you got paid either. You have to keep the cat for 15 years or however long they live. You can't tell your friends that you are making money off this cat either. They have to think that you voluntarily love felines so much that you purchased one. I've heard a wide range of answers from $15,000 to $200,000. But I find it hard to believe that someone would turn down anything over $25,000 for a cat.

I certainly wouldn't turn down $25,000 a year to own some piece of shit cat. My wife is allergic, which serves as a mitigating circumstance. But if we're talking about Hypothetical Single Drew, I'd gladly take in the extra income. I fucking hate cats, but the one defense that cat owners always love to throw at you is that cats don't need much maintenance. You don't have to walk them. You don't have to play ball with them. They shit in a box. They're fairly easy to take care of, which still doesn't make up for the fact that THEY WILL KILL YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP. Also, I could kick the cat whenever I get mad about things. You better believe I'm using eight of that fucker's lives if I have to share an apartment with it. So I say from $15,000 up annually, I take the cat.

As an aside, a friend of mine bought a hamster for her kids last week. The hamster promptly got the runs (apparently hamster diarrhea is quite unpleasant), had to be taken to the vet for a $300 treatment, and then died a few days later. When she told her kids she'd get them a new hamster (she had paid for the cage and the wheel and all that stuff), they said they wanted a fish now instead. MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE PETS.

Anonymous:

Nazi sauce.

Makes sense that it's vegetarian, then.

Email of the week time. It's a GREAT MOMENT IN WEED BUYING.

Travis:

In college, myself and 3 of my friends developed a pretty healthy Weed habbit. I lived probably an entire year completely stoned from the time I woke up till the time I went to bed. Since we were in college and smoked a lot of pot, we obviously never had any money, but somehow we always managed to scrape $10 to together for a sack.

However, this one time, 3 of us were together and the other was at class, we were completely out of cash, and beginning to grow quite irritated at the prospects of not having a fix for the night, when one of my friends comes up with this brilliant idea. "Hey, Brian has a $ 2 dollar bill collection." Seriously... His dead grandfather gave it to him or some shit.

We pondered this for a while, debating whether or not we really wanted to go down this road, and then ultimately decided that he was a fuckin moron for having a $2 bill collection and so we took it. $20 worth, We hustled that shit up to the ghetto, (We lived in Jersey City at the time, so it was all ghetto). Our two guys were named "X" and "Indeed", I kid you not, the guy went by the name "Indeed". When we handed him the $2 bills. He looked at us like he was going to fuckin' kill us, and this was over a $20 bag of weed. He thought that shit was monopoly money. I guess when you live in the ghetto, you don't have much exposure to trivial currency such as the $2 bill, the Buffalo Nickel, or the Sacajawea dollar. His friend eventually vouched for the validity of the money and we went along on our way with our bag of shake and seeds (That's what it always was).