Why Friendship is the Key Relationship of the 21st Century

At the emotional heart of singlism – the stereotyping, stigmatizing, and discrimination against people who are single – is the devaluing of all of our peer relationships that are not sexual. Matrimania – the over-the-top hyping of marriage, weddings, and coupling – is the cultural expression of the myth of marital superiority. By conventional ways of thinking, the marital relationship (or some less-official equivalent) is the only relationship that really counts.

In a recent essay in The Chronicle of Higher Education, William Deresiewicz reminds us that in ancient times, friendship “was seen as superior to marriage.” Today, we link friendship with youth – when we step into the terrain of adulthood, we expect to leave friendship behind. But “for the ancients, [friendship] was rare, precious, and hard-won…[It] was a high calling, demanding extraordinary qualities of character, rooted in virtue…”

Across the ages, friendship lost its place of nobility. (You can read Deresiewicz’s overview of that devolvement here.) Now, however, a confluence of factors has created the grounds for a renewed significance of that relationship that once was so esteemed.

Deresiewicz captures his key arguments for why friendship is so well suited to 21st century life in one long paragraph. I have transformed his prose into bullet points and added emphasis, but all of the words are exactly as he wrote them:

Modernity believes in individualism. Friendships serve no public purpose and exist independent of all other bonds.

Modernity believes in choice. Friendships, unlike blood ties, are elective; indeed, the rise of friendship coincided with the shift away from arranged marriage.

Modernity believes in self-expression. Friends, because we choose them, give us back an image of ourselves.

Modernity believes in freedom. Even modern marriage entails contractual obligations, but friendship involves no fixed commitments.

The modern temper runs toward unrestricted fluidity and flexibility, the endless play of possibility, and so is perfectly suited to the informal, improvisational nature of friendship. We can be friends with whomever we want, however we want, for as long as we want.

Changing demographics, he notes, are also significant. Although I don’t much like the language of families “falling apart,” I do like the point he is making:

“Between the rise of divorce and the growth of single parenthood, adults in contemporary households often no longer have spouses, let alone a traditional extended family, to turn to for support…Friends may be ‘the family we choose,’ as the modern proverb has it, but for many of us there is no choice but to make our friends our family, since our other families—the ones we come from or the ones we try to start—have fallen apart. When all the marriages are over, friends are the people we come back to. And even those who grow up in a stable family and end up creating another one pass more and more time between the two.”

And yet, Deresiewicz notes, despite all the ways in which friendship really is the true relationship of our time, we still are not giving it its due:

“We save our fiercest energies for sex…we’ve taught ourselves to shun expressions of intense affection between friends…the typical bromance plot instructs the callow bonds of youth to give way to mature heterosexual relationships. At best, intense friendships are something we are expected to grow out of.”

Deresiewicz’s essay was intended as a critique of the Facebook-type approach to contemporary friendship; the title is “Faux Friendship.” I don’t think I’m entirely persuaded by his critique – I think that what he might regard as genuine friendship can thrive alongside what he calls the faux friendship of the Facebook era. In any case, I find it the faux-friendship thesis the least intriguing part of his otherwise masterful analysis. For the record, here is the gist of his critique:

“In order to know people, you have to listen to their stories.”

“Exchanging stories is like making love: probing, questing, questioning, caressing. It is mutual. It is intimate. It takes patience, devotion, sensitivity, subtlety, skill – and it teaches them all, too.”

“Posting information is like pornography, a slick, impersonal exhibition.”

I don't see a problem with this idea actually. I am still single and 38yrs old. to a lot of people in our culture, they would think i'm weird or gay or something. I am straight and no one has ever accused me of being normal. I prefer to be single. so people can think what they want. in statistical terms, being single / older and single is a normality. 49 percent of the adult population today is single. in the 1970s 80 some odd percent of the adult population was married. our culture has just come to a point where being married is not as popular as it used to be. it is what it is.

Although the original article - "Faux Friends" - seems to be a rather scathing indictment of things like Facebook, i also see it as a call to deep at least some of our friendships to the connections the Greeks & Romantics wrote and sang about.

I like the idea of promoting close friendships, I think that's something quite necessary in today's society. But I'm not sure I agree with all Deresiewicz said regarding friendship.

He said that friendship is free of any other bonds. That's not necessarily true, friendships can be formed for ulterior motives, ie one might make friends with someone in order to get some sort of benefits or influence.

He said friendship is free of contractual obligations. While technically this is true, I've long felt that if a friendship is to continue both parties have an obligation to do things to pursue it, even when it becomes difficult.

And I disagree when he says that people living alone means that friends have to replace immediate/extended family. Even a single person may have parents, brothers/sisters, in-laws, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc...

I was just thinking last night how rich my life is in friendships, and how nice it is to be able to have those friendships without the dramatic entanglements of a sexual component. I was e-mailing last night with a friend who has an interest in intuitive medicine, telling her how I served as a test subject for another friend who is a student of intuitive medicine, and how trusting her to "read" me deepened our friendship. It occurred to me how lucky I was to have a friend I could talk to in that way and not have to answer a lot of invasive questions that tried to pin some sexual meaning on it.
I have become close with a married couple that lives 2 doors down in our condo complex. The unit between us is a rental and we jointly rent it in order to be free of the constant stream of noisy tenants and give us some much-needed extra space. This has evolved into a cooperative family-type relationship and some people think that's weird. We have lots of friends coming and going, and our friend pool is merging to some extent from the constant exposure. It's called community, and it's as healthy as it is rare.

I loved reading this post, especially since many of my friends now are car-free. I always spend holidays with friends, as an only child, and I am now orphaned.

By the way, I enjoyed reading this wonderful short essay, titled “The New Rich,” about living carfree. It’s a decent depiction of life without a car, focusing on the money saved. People living without cars are described as “economic miracles” and “rich in terms of lifestyle.”
I met this author last month, and she gave me a free copy of her book --
SING, O BARREN WOMAN: A JOURNEY OF RESTORATION BASED ON ISAIAH 54 by Lynda Lewin, 2005, pg. 108, the author writes: “The pain would rip across me and was more that I could bear. Upon our arrival at home, I found a note on the kitchen counter says he would file for a divorce soon. Divorce that word was not even in our vocabulary. We were Christians serving the Lord until death do we part. How could he take 16 years of living, laughing, crying together, going through things together and overcoming together and just chunk it? My daughters now ages 6 and 1, just held on to me that afternoon and we were three little girls, broken, bruised, and wounded, crushed, devastated, distressed and wondering what to do next. We did pray and we prayed tearfully for God to bring home our husband and daddy. I was highly tormented and in agony as my mind would see him with another woman, being intimate with her.” Pg. 110, “More telephone calls came from the other victim, the husband of the woman, Phil left town with. He threatened and roared across the hone lines that Phil was to never be seen with his wife again or he would shoot him on sight. Phil was convinced and ready for a shootout. This was real and it was happening right before my eyes, I was living it. This was no soap opera or some wild movie on television.” Pg. 114, “With Phil gone, I had gone back to college to get my teaching certificate renewed. I had never used it in our 16 years of marriage. Earlier when my lung had collapsed I had not been X-rayed by our small town doctor, I have probably torn some cartilage around the hear while doing aerobics and told me not to lift anything for two weeks. I had done that and been well taken care of by my sister and brother-in-law. I related to her the pain I was having in my chest cavity and she proceeded to pray.

I live a long way from my family and so do many of the women in my condo complex. By forming friendships, we become responsible for one another. I'm a lot younger than most of these ladies, but I've had a disabling accident and need their help as much as they need mine. My mom thinks it's funny when I take off work to drive an elderly neighbor to a doctor appointment, but I can count on that neighbor to do the same for me if I need it. There is a chapter in Singled Out about nuclear insularity, and there's a story about an old woman who goes neglected because she isn't "anyone's responsibility." We are forming our own social insurance safety net, choosing to be responsible for one another. And we get to go out to dinner and movies and do stuff together too, it's not all chores.
There is a young man who rented a unit in our complex and got evicted last year for threatening behavior toward me, and he continues to visit my upstairs neighbor. Last night the lady across the way called me to say she saw this young man's car out front and she wanted to make sure I was safe inside with the doors locked. It is nice to we're all looking out for one another. None of us are likely to die alone and have our cats eat our faces off. >: )

I read this article this morning, then came across the recently released Star Trek teaser trailers. http://theweek.com/article/index/237454/watch-the-epic-new-star-trek-into-darknessnbspteaser The Japanese version seems to allude to its being the "Wrath of Khan" story. But I was rather disturbed by the last line: "Is there anything you would not do for your FAMILY?" (emphasis mine) The original "Khan" was about exactly the type of strong friendships referred to in the article. We can all remember Spock's line: I have been and always shall be your FRIEND." (emphasis mine) Yes, I understand that they are elevating the strength of the kinship among crew-members to something as indivisible as a blood tie, but I still resent the subtle valuation of family over friendship. As they say, you can't choose your family...

I remember a long time ago, working on a project team in which one of the critical members was gone on leave to care for her best friend, who had cancer. The team was muttering about how this woman shouldn't be able to take leave for a friend, and I said, "Duh, guys, it's her PARTNER. And I wouldn't say that out loud to this bunch either if I were her." But why shouldn't she be able to care for her best friend? Who better to do that? Being cared for by family is fraught with emotional baggage, I know this all too well. It's much better to be cared for by someone whose role is completely voluntary. People don't have the same number of family members; you ought to be able to designate a "person" like on Grey's Anatomy, when Cristina brings Meredith to her abortion and says she has to designate a person to contact in case of emergency, and Cristina tells Meredith, "You're my person." The theme goes on throughout the show, which is full of couplemania but has that one saving grace. Well, maybe not a SAVING grace, but it's something. I have a friend who loved the show and we exchanged house keys and declared ourselves to be the other's "person." She lived 90 miles away by the time I was hit 2 years ago while riding my bike, and she was the first person to arrive at my house and stock up the fridge for my parents. Bonds like that are not to be trifled with.

Celebrate Singlehood at 100: Centenarians and Super-Centenarians Singles Success in Business and Life by Sesame Bryant (Author), July 9, 2020

Celebrate Singlehood distills the wisdom and wit of over 250 centenarians and 10 super-centenarians from around the world, are included into six sections (the passage of time, friendships, traveling, career, managing time, secrets of longevity, and capturing and sharing wisdom).

The book intermixes artwork by lifelong singles, something which Bryant regards as key to attracting young readers to non-fiction, also. "You need to weave your narrative in and around the pictures," she said. "You need the alliance of the pictures and words." Bryant’s book as "one of the finest children's non-fiction books for many years". Bryant, though, prefers to allow her 'witnesses' to take centre-stage: "I didn't want to tell the story myself. They could say what happened to them to live so long far better than I could say it. What I have done is orchestrate their stories into some kind of narrative," she said.
The book is based on over 250 interviews and extensive questionnaire surveys developed and conducted by the author, Sesame Bryant. Bryant, a sought after film documentarian and keynote speaker, who frequently, who cites Centenarian wit and wisdom about money, work, and life in her speeches. The book is full of timeless advice from lifelong singles from around the world.

Sesame Bryant, single and is a centenarian, herself resides in Arkansas.

I enjoyed reading your post. Having friends or companions that you can hang with or to talk to, can influence us in different ways. They have a big role in shaping our personality. Choosing our friends wisely is important too. There's a saying "Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are." Thanks for the post!