Man To Man: October 16, 2013

How Old Is Too Old To Dress Up For Halloween?

You have the choice between standing and taking one hit from Ndamukong Suh, or getting attacked by cats. Who ya got? I’ll take my chances with the cats before I let Suh put me in the hospital.

Dennis,This probably belongs on Deadspin, but the issue of attack cats doesn’t receive nearly enough attention in academia and deserves to be debated. I'll give it a shot. Also — how stoned were you when you thought of this?

There are a lot of variables here, and I don’t know that it’s as clear-cut as you make it sound. What are the parameters of the Suh hit? Do I get to wear pads? Because that would have to help a little. More importantly, how much space is between us? It makes a big difference if he has to take a pop at me from where he’d normally face a QB than if he had 25 yards to work up a full head of steam. I think if you’re padded up, can brace for the hit, and he comes at you from normal playing range, you can make it out OK. Yes, it will hurt, and there’s a chance you could wind up in the hospital, but the chances of dying are slim.

Cats are more of an X-factor. Just how many cats are we talking about, anyway? If it’s just one (maybe two), sure, that’s the way to go. Since it’s not a cat you care about, you’d have no trouble beating the thing to death. It’s still going to tear you up pretty bad, but you’ll be OK. But any more than that, maybe four trained, killer house cats? Yeah, no chance. Ever been attacked by a cat, in earnest? They are nasty little animals. A friend of mine once got bitten on the hand by a cat, and it swelled up to the size of a catcher’s mitt. If a cat decides to embed itself in you, you’re not removing it until it’s dead. House cats also come in all sizes. Mine weighs maybe 10 lbs, but my parents have one that’s around 20, and he’s not fat, just huge. Four of him, if they were really determined, are putting you in the hospital guaranteed. Six to eight house cats could kill you if they wanted, I would imagine. They’d go right for your eyes, and you’d be screwed. They can run something like 30 mph, so it’s not like you’d be able to get away.

So yeah, depending on several factors, there are plenty of scenarios in which I’d risk Ndamukong Suh smearing the field with Ian-paste over a slow, gruesome death by house cats. Plus, as a Chicago Bears fan, it’d be worth it to me for the off chance that he tweaks an ankle or something while he’s trying to destroy me.