THE SPOTTER'S GUIDE TO THE COMMON SPOCK (as transcribed by Nemo theEverbeing)

--The
Spock (Vulcanis Logicans)

The Spock is usually tall, with a well-groomed appearance, pointedears, saturnine features,
and a call that often soundslike "logical", "fascinating", "interesting", or "Doctor McCoy, Ibelieve I wish to throw
you down and fuck you senseless". Thiscreature originated from the planet Vulcan, so expect a higher bodytemperature
than most animals, as well as a certain exotic look andscent certain to draw any lurking McCoys out of hiding. This beinghas
become a staple in all sectors of fanfiction, being one of itsfounders, but, due to deforestation (no relation to certain
actors),its appearances in this area have become more and more infrequent.Now, only a small group of dedicated naturalists
fight to keep thisfascinating creature from extinction.

--Common Environments

The Spock can usually be found
on the Enterprise, or morespecifically on the bridge, or the McCoy's quarters (or the Kirk's,in some naturalists'
opinions, though these claims are generallydismissed as unsupportable at best, and laughable insanity at worst,being
that, if it were possible, a Kirk would only desire anotherKirk). The Spock is also known to venture down to highly dangerousplanets
where it is often subjected to electrocution, poison,lacerations, or liberal doses of HornyPowder™. The Spock will
thenhave to be relocated to the Sickbay where a McCoy (most often ofeither the SoDamnSweet! or the SnipyBitchy! subspecies)
will patchthe Spock up so they can have wild sex.

--Appearance

Aside from the general description given
at the beginning, the Spockcan most often be seen in a similar uniform to the McCoy's, thoughthe Spock often has an
additional tricorder constantly held in itshand. It is possible that, in a few millennia, the Spock willevolve so
that the tricorder is a permanent fixture.

--Distinguishing Features

Though the Spock often refuses to display
emotion (instances ofmating with the McCoy or the PonnFarr! or the ReallyJustABigSoftie!Spock subspecies notwithstanding),
the Spock has a strange tendencyto arch its eyebrows at the rest of the Enterprise creatures. Thisevent will often
occur in conjunction with stupid orotherwise "illogical" behavior on these creatures' parts. It may benoted that the
most common recipient of such gestures is the McCoy.Some naturalists argue that the arched eyebrow is actually a non-verbal
cue for sex. This would, of course, mean that these twobeings copulate more frequently than the common rabbit, or, an
evenmore extreme case, the Common Kirk. Then again, many naturalistsfind this idea incredibly appealing.The Spock
is also telepathic, and spends much of this energyflirting mentally with the McCoy so no one else finds out.

--Predators

Though
the Spock is notably strong, it can be noted that it seems todraw large quantities of Evil Super Powered Aliens (DiabilicisAlienicus
Omnipotens). It is speculated that these creaturesrecognize this being as a threat and attack, most often withlightning
bolts, poisoned barbs, or telepathic assaults.Occasionally the Spock will also be attacked by Rabid Fangirls(Fangirlicus
Horrificus), but instances of this have decreased overthe years, due in large part to the Vulcan nerve pinch andmany
"accidentally" fired torpedoes.

--Mating Habits

The Spock seems to have two primary mating habits. The first
andmost common is standard mating: meet, argue, snipe, bitch, mate.The Spock may have various permutations of this
process, dependinglargely on subspecies. The Angst!Spock or the ReallyJustABigSoftie!Spock commonly avoid the argue/snipe/bitch
phase and are much moredemonstrative and sentimental. However, one subspecies has anentirely different mating ritual:Ponn
Farr. This is only experienced by PonnFarr!Spock (obviously).This mating only comes once in seven years (a big problem
for allMcCoys and fanfiction writers during those long gaps), and tends toinvolve shouting, throwing soup, violence
(possibly the ritualsacrifice of an available Kirk), followed by violent sex (not withthe sacrificed Kirk). McCoys
should be warned that this experienceis rarely pleasant and even more rarely is it comfortable. Matingis necessary
and painful, but the McCoy will inevitablyparticipate. There are several reasons for this: the Angst!McCoy isthe most
common participant (and this subspecies is known for itsmasochistic tendencies), and the McCoy will get a bonding out
of thedeal. This means that the McCoy and the Spock will be joinedmentally, and will be able to give each other embarrassing
erectionswhenever they please.

--Sub-Species

-Angst!Spock: (Vulcanis Logicans Dolores) This creature is
markedby an expressionless pining. It will never show it, but this Spockis usually suffering from some sort of abuse
(which happensshockingly often), or a misguided belief that its desired McCoy doesnot want to mate. This being is
rare, as an Angst!Spock willrapidly either secure a willing McCoy or die. Therefore, thelifespan of an Angst!Spock
is not promising, as in such climates, awilling McCoy only discovers the Spock's desire post-mortem.

-EmotionlessComputer(NotReally)!Spock:
This Spock refuses to showany sort of emotion, often leading to the birth of many Angst!McCoys. It is not that this
Spock has no emotions, but it is eitherunable or unwilling to show them. This Spock lives a tragic andoften extremely
long life of missed chances and stupid decisions.Naturalists are advised to approach with tissues.

-PonnFarr!Spock:
This is by far the most volatile subspecies, andone must approach at their own risk. Females should beware offlying
soup and males should beware of death. The PonnFarr!Spockwill require a willing McCoy to survive, and, should they make
itthrough the ordeal with all parts still attached, they will be ahappily married alternative couple on Vulcan. This
subspecies isalso extremely rare (appearing only once in seven years) and moltsquickly into another sub-species or
dies trying.WARNING: A PonnFarr!Spock and a SnipyBitchy!McCoy should by no meansbe left in a room together unless
the author is either a brilliantand angstful master of the craft, or is a complete nitwit. Thesespecies, unless handled
with extreme caution, will kill one another.

-ReallyJustABigSoftie!Spock: This Spock likes a schmoopy climatewhere
it can demonstrate to everyone that it is, in fact, athoroughly misunderstood being. This Spock often shows manyemotions
and desperately needs a SoDamnSweet!McCoy with which totalk. Unfortunately, the combination of these two beings, howevernecessary,
often induces projectile vomiting on the part of ahardened naturalist. It is therefore recommended that only pre-teennaturalists
observe these two beings in close proximity. Othersshould use ten-foot-poles when handling, due to possible sugaroverdoses.

-Witty'n'Willing!Spock:
This Spock is easily the happiest of all theSpocks. While the other subspecies pine or kill their captains,this subspecies
is most often engaged in witty vocalizations with aMcCoy. These exchanges, though seemingly hostile in nature, areactually
extremely pleasurable for both participants. This banterwill usually lead to the den of one of the creatures, and matingwill
commence. This Spock gets a lot of sex. More even than thePonnFarr!Spock (since this one doesn't have to wait four years).
Itis likely that, if a Witty'n'Willing!Spock comes to live on anEnterprise, at the end of five years, there will be
very few placeson the entire ship where this being has NOT mated with its McCoy. Anaturalist should remember this
before sitting down anywhere on aship with a Witty'n'Willing!Spock. Even the Kirk is in awe of thiscreature's stamina
and inventiveness, and writers, well, writers arejust glad of its existence.