I'm at a crossroads. My husband's behavior is getting more difficult -often does not recognize me, has delusions that make it hard to care for him at times. The latest bouts of belligerence and anger seem better after I took him off a new Parkinson's med, but I'm worried they will recur. After the last of those incidents I called the foster care home that I had toured and liked, and she said they have an opening in about a month. Okay, time to get affairs in order, get him used to the idea. Took him to meet them, told him he might stay there some time when I had to be gone, he looked around politely and said as we left, "I don't like it there.Too much going on, too much chaos." (They were painting the house.) So I thought, okay, we'll wait a while until he's much worse. NOW the opening is happening at the end of this month, I haven't gotten advice on finances yet, and won't have much time to prepare him. My gut instinct is to wait, but you never know when they'll have an opening again. What do I do?? He still has pretty good mornings, but the rest of the day and evening are wearing for me.

Tue Jul 17, 2012 4:16 pm

mockturtle

Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pmPosts: 3213Location: WA

Re: Foster care home now or later?

Most places charge month to month [except assisted living facilities, which often charge entry fees in addition to their monthly rates] so it might be worth a month's trial. You may find that they won't keep him, anyway. None of the adult family homes around here will take a male with LBD or PDD. The SNFs are large enough and have more staff on duty and better able to handle outbursts than are small facilities.

Are there other men at the facility? How many staff are present? I'm assuming you've researched the place pretty thoroughly already and decided it's a suitable environment. It might work out and placement doesn't have to mean forever if it doesn't.

_________________Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.

Last edited by mockturtle on Tue Jul 17, 2012 4:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Tue Jul 17, 2012 4:50 pm

LTCVT

Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pmPosts: 3441Location: Vermont

Re: Foster care home now or later?

How is your own health being affected? Your sleep? Is he mobile? If not, can he substantially help you with transfer? If he is, does he "escape"? There are a lot of issues that need to be considered and if your own health and sleep are being greatly compromised you may want to take advantage of the opening now and not lose out. But, are there other alternatives near where you are? Are you on other waiting lists? How long could it be at this place before there is another opening? Also, you may want to try placing him for respite care, so you can have time to investigate other places or do other things you want and need to do. This will also give you a better idea if he AND you are ready now or not. And it will give you an idea of how well the fit is with him, you and the facility. Good luck, Lynn

_________________Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.

Tue Jul 17, 2012 4:51 pm

irene selak

Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pmPosts: 1978

Re: Foster care home now or later?

Kathy, Lots to consider, it could be some time before another opening comes along and like said already it doesn't have to be a perm placement but it will give you a chance to get things in order as needed. I am sending good thoughts your way as you make decisions.

Good Luck !

_________________Irene Selak

Tue Jul 17, 2012 5:03 pm

kathytj

Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2010 6:54 pmPosts: 64Location: Portland, OR

Re: Foster care home now or later?

Thanks for all your advice. I've researched and visited several memory care units, which I KNOW he would hate, as he hated it when he was at a rehab. that started this whole process (I think that plunged him into the dementia, tho there had been signs before). He lost 35 lbs., hated the regimentation. I looked at several foster care homes, and this one had a very good feeling about it. I did ask them whether anything would make them kick out a client, as I'd heard belligerence and "difficult behavior" gets people ousted. They looked at each other and said the only thing that would make them kick someone out would be. . . .death. If that's true, hurrah!My health is definitely being affected. I'm quite sure I'm depressed, cry a lot, and my sleep gets disturbed when he has to get up, and it's exhausting trying to keep ahead of his delusions and deal with the increasingly erratic behavior. Much of the time now he doesn't know me or where he is, which USED to be the criteria I had in mind for when I might have to place him elsewhere. He did try to "escape" out the front door once or twice lately, but he's not too able physically to get anywhere. The foster home has 5 clients and four people to care for them (and an alert on the front door), so he couldn't get far. There were several other men there when we visited, but it didn't look like any were so incapacitated as my husband -he can't do much of anything for himself any more.Since I posted I talked to our case manager, who did give me the numbers of several people who might help me with the financial or practical part of things, and he's going to keep an ear out for, say, a nursing student who might be live-in care. (That's what I thought would be the transition, as we have a lovely apartment downstairs, if I didn't say that before.) And I called the foster care home, got the daughter, who first said if I put a deposit down they might be able to hold the place for a while, and then when I said I might look for in-home care said SHE was interested! At least I may have some options.This is so hard. I know everyone says it is, but nobody knows like the spouse. I'm just tired, tired, tired and feel I've reached a turning point.

Tue Jul 17, 2012 5:45 pm

irene selak

Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pmPosts: 1978

Re: Foster care home now or later?

Kathy, Honestly you are really the only one who will know when it is time !

_________________Irene Selak

Tue Jul 17, 2012 6:00 pm

LTCVT

Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pmPosts: 3441Location: Vermont

Re: Foster care home now or later?

Glad you have some options and are continuing to gather more data. That is so helpful to me when I am trying to make an important decision. There are so many factors to weigh and it's tough. Come here for support as often as you need it. We are all here for one another. Lynn

_________________Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.

Tue Jul 17, 2012 6:38 pm

cdw

Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 11:30 pmPosts: 318Location: southern cali

Re: Foster care home now or later?

kathy,

im not much help, as i have not gotten there yet,, altho i have begun to look around just in case of an over night change.. i cant imagine how hard this must be for you..

i do hear you saying that you are, tired tired tired.. and that says alot.. what if you just gave it a try.. the worst thing is you'd have a month or so to get some rest while you look for other alternatives... you are important and if you get sick..where will you be...??? it sounds like you are trying so hard and doing so much.. and a break might give you time, to clear you thoughts.. and get a different perspective....

again ive not been there .. so only letting you know, you are not alone.. and its ok to take care of you~~

Since another phone call today I may have an option of 24-hour in-home care -THAT would help a lot! Hadn't investigated this yet, don't know the cost or how it all works, will find out more after Thursday interview. I just gotta get some help, one way or another.

Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:30 pm

empritchard

Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:22 pmPosts: 191Location: Portland, Or

Re: Foster care home now or later?

Hi Kathy,I also live in Portland and I know nothing of your situation or finances, but if you haven't checked with the local Seniors & Disabilities office, it might be worth a try. I know that you can get help finding a caregiver and depending on the patients income, they will pay family members to do caregiving. I get paid for caring for my mom through them, thank God, so we're able to keep her at home. I know several other people who are in similar situations with their loved ones.Ellen

I talked to a whole lot of offices yesterday, will double-check whether that was one of them -but the others basically said we can't qualify for Medicaid so they couldn't do anything. (Hence the need for a lawyer). But thanks for the info.!

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