Newsflash

Good morning, America! My name is Patrick Scarborough, and the lovely lady sitting right next beside me is unimportant because she caught a bad cold and can't talk right now.

Today, we start with a bizarre character; from all over the world there have been reports of attacks from a masked criminal armed with… a Guitar Hero guitar. This isn’t the strangest thing about this case, however – this character is often described as wearing a skull mask and running around shirtless, much like an executioner of older times.

The Guitar Assassin’s last attack was directed at the famous german gentleman, Baron Baron Jones, who remained unscathed by the criminal’s raid, but shaken nonetheless. One good thing came out of this attack: the Baron actually managed to take a picture of the intruder using a security camera, proving once and for all that this man is no myth nor legend of lore:

This was the Baron’s report on the attack, half an hour after the incident:

“There I was, sparking conversation on IRC and surfing on the internet, when I’ve noticed that one of my security cameras picked up something. I immediately zoomed into the intruder, and proceeded to print a picture of him. I knew this strange fellow was coming for me, so I assembled my finest weapons (a cane containing a crowbar and my mystical maroon monocle) and prepared to defend myself, no matter how scared I was. When the door flew open, this man just stood there saying nothing, looking at me with a rather skullish stare. He asked me, with a growl out of hell itself: ‘How do you enjoy Guns ‘n’ Roses?’
I was taken aback for a minute – I did enjoy various GnR songs, particularly ‘Welcome to the Jungle’, but was that the answer he was seeking?
With sweat rolling off my monocle and wetting my finest clothes, I answered ‘Yes. I approve of Guns n Roses.’ The creature looked at me, and suddenly, he had jumped out of my window, howling not unlike a wounded wolf after all of its cubs were killed by a battle between Transformers that just happened to occur in their homewoods.
I immediately called the police, but it was too late. The man-turned-devil had already left, and left me with two broken windows, no less! I disapprove greatly of this man. He was a (BAN ME PLEASE). I can assure he was probably Caribbean.”

We now connect to our outside reporter, Francisco ‘Doomers’ Alejandró, who is in Germany trying to follow the trail of the Guitar Assassin. Francisco, can you hear me?

Loud and clear, Pat.

- Francisco…. I’m sorry, but are you filming this from your bedroom?

- Yes.

- I see. And not from Germany, as you were strictly ordered to go to?

- Yes.

- And why, god, why, are you not there right now?

- I am scared of the individual I was supposed to be chasin’.

…Are you looking to get a dickslap once you get back to studio? Because it seems to me you are craving a dickslap right now.

- …Er, come on boss, I mean, he was pretty big…

- I bet your ass my cock is bigger. Do you know how big my goddamned cock is? It could strangle you, you piece of fuck. Imagine how bad a slap from a python must hurt – actually, scratch that shit. Can you imagine one python that’s really hungry, but there were no stupid (BAN ME PLEASE) mice around, so she had to eat ANOTHER python, effectively doubling its girth? That’s kinda like my dick. You know how bad that shit hurts? It will rip your fucking skull off.

This is reporter Francisco Alejandró, covering the footsteps of the already legendary Guitar Assassin.
The assassin’s first assault occurred in England, where I am located right now. Being interviewed are the Guitar Assassin’s first victim and his neighbor, who both wish to remain anonymous.
How are you coping with your sudden retardation after the GA’s attack?

what

- He was already like this before the attack. - replied, in turn, the victim's neighbor.

Err… What about that wheelchair, did the Guitar Assassin smash your kneecaps with his guitar?”

- i dont get it.

- No, actually, that wasn’t the work of the Guitar Assassin either. This guy here was once involved in a bizarre road accident, involving his car, a chariot and two donkeys, one of which was called Segway. He now rolls down the streets in a bloody wheelchair.

Well, this is awkward. But wasn’t he the victim of the guitar attack?

- Nah, I was the victim.

You seem unharmed though. Can you tell me details of the attack?

There are no details. That cockbleeder just appeared out of nowhere with a Guitar Hero guitar. I was listening to Natalie Imbruglia in my computer. He ran away screaming.

Err.. alright then.
We move on to our next location, Portugal, where the Guitar Assassin killed an average of sixty-five people. The only survivor is right here, talking to me, and also prefers to remain anonymous and pictureless. What exactly happened the night of the attack?

An Anonymous Rider: I don’t know and I don’t give a shit either. Do I look like the fucking dancing queen to you?

So the Guitar Assassin attacked a club?

An Anonymous Rider: Yes, I just happened to be passing by. When he got out of the club, he looked at me for a few seconds, grabbed my mp3 player and looked at what I was playing. (it was Led Zeppelin.) He then hugged me.

Well, that certainly is unusual. How did you react?

An Anonymous Rider: I didn’t have time to do anything, he ran away. But tell you what, the next time I see that numbskull, I’m showing him a little magic trick I learned using a vase.

… We are now moving on to the next location where the Guitar Assassin trampled and destroyed; the land of opportunities, America.
Did you see the Guitar Assassin that night?

What?... What night? What day is today?

Err.. Today is the 27th, sir.

- Sheesh! I thought we were still on Christmas! I fuckin love Christmas. I always get drunk on holydays, y’know? And in the weekends. And sometimes on the weekdays as well. But I didn’t see no Tyranitar Assassin.

...What about this gentleman right here, did you happen to get a glimpse of the Guitar Assassin?

I have never liked the Guitar Assassin. I appreciate that he is out there killing in the name of BITCHIN GUITAR SOLOS but come on. MY FAMILY WAS KILLED BY BAD MUSICIANS, NOW I KILL ANYTHING RELATED WITH (BAN ME PLEASE) MUSIC. To be fair, the reason I hate him is the opposite, it is because everyone treats vigilantism as if being wrong. It is insane to let some people live, because anyone who listens to shit like Fall out Boy doesn’t deserve to have a second shot at life. Do you know Fall Out Boy? They have no bitchin guitar solos!!! That enrages me so, you have no idea. They are also very homosexual. And what is up with…

Right, but, did you SEE the costumed criminal?

- I did not.

Fine. Here is another witness. How do you feel regarding the Guitar Assassin?

He’s fuckin’ awesome.

Errr… moving on… Oh, here is a very well-built person. Excuse me, how do you feel about the murderer treading the world, searching for new victims?

I did see him. He was pretty fast… Almost like an Electrode with 30 speed IVs. And just like an Abra, he got away before we could catch him. If that fellow comes back here and hurts my friends, we might have to Beat him Up. And let me tell you, that were I a strong and four-armed Machamp, I’d have 252 Attack EVs and a fearsome Dynamic Punch to deliver. It would be unblockable due to my ability, No Guard.

Oh. Oh okay. We’ll just interview the last witness and move to Canada…

An Anonymous Tangerine: Please don’t take my picture. I like that the Assassin is out there, destroying bad music. I hope he doesn’t quit halfway the job like some people do.

What is your opinion on the costumed killer known as the Guitar Assassin?

?_? ¯\_(O__o)_/ ¯ ?_?

That was surreal. What about this cute couple?

She’s my sister dude.

Oh. I guess I will be leaving then.

- Je believe je can helpez tous!

Oh, is this what they call a French Canadian?

Mon name is Brain, and je vous previens! Je have seen the pénale… how do tu says… le CRIMINOUZ! Il had a hoodie and il ran very hastily. Naturally, I sent mon ami le bot Misty to chase him, but to no avail! Now that je has given vous all the info tous needed, Je shall go back to mon poutine. Bon soir!

This is Francisco Alejandró, and there is no more info to gather about the Guitar Assassin. What are his motives? Is he really on a quest to destroy shit music? Why does he tread around shirtless, with his tight boxers showing? We shall see this case to the end…