“That one can convince one’s opponents with printed reasons, I have not believed since the year 1764. It is not for that purpose that I have taken up my pen, but rather merely to annoy them, and to give strength and courage to those on our side, and to make it known to the others that they have not convinced us.”
G.C. Lichtenberg (1742 – 1799), courtesy of 'Deogolwulf'

Monday, 19 June 2017

Your sweat-stained Monday Funnies: 19.6.17

Much more of this damned un-British heat and I might have to emigrate to Mexico! This is Ascot week in which usually, yobs like me roll on the floor howling with laughter as the heavens open and soak all those silly 'wimmin' at Royal Ascot wearing even sillier hats. This week they might have to strip off! Mind you, that could be more exciting than watching all those bloody horses going round in circles!

Southern Divorce....

A judge was interviewing a Georgia woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap -but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"

"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? “

A sexually frustrated woman went to the Supermarket to try to take her mind off her erotic thoughts.As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood. She ended up buying far more than she needed. When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags.

As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his body she could hardly control herself.

After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries. The young man willingly obliged.

As they walked through the carpark the lady finally lost control. She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy pussy”.

To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.

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The Art Collector...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good

news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Fred replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

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Power of prayer

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation, as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jims scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim." The entire congregation held its breath."I just want to tell my beautiful wife, the word is sternum."

There was a time here in the American South when we natives could communicate with each other in easily understood terms...JK, can I get an 'amen'? Starting in the 1970s, a lot of odd people from "elsewhere" began retiring down here. That's when the confusion started.

Well I just don't rightly know Missred - nearabouts thirty year ago a sailor friend of mine sent me a postcard from Maine. Seems like it was nearabout Summertime too as best I recall.

The pichur fronting the postcard featured a "Dan'l Boone type feller" buckskin clad an' down to wearing a coonskin cap aholt of, at full arm's length above his shoulder, what, upon close inspection turned out to be a mosquito rather than'n what initially appeared to be a turkey.

An' iffin the skeeters in Maine are bigger'n than even the Arkansas rice-fields variety - well looks to me like wandering around Maine this time a year'd require bathing in DEET.