Load day 2. On a negative note – I still hate load days. They’re gross. Today I’ve had one massive mexican lunch, and that’s it. Taco, chalupa, enchilada, rice, beans, chips, salsa, queso. Can I say *BLECH* Nothing for breakfast and so far nothing for dinner. I swear I don’t think I can’t eat anything else and am considering a third load day because that’s all I’ve had (which does not excite me terribly don’t you know). I’m burping and I’m farting. Which is the ONLY cool part about load days. HEH!! Farting rocks. At least when you can do it with abandon and then laugh gleefully 😀

On a more retrospective note – I’ve been doing some reminiscing tonight – reading through my blog – reexperiencing the feelings that I had. What’s notable is that I can read any one entry regarding the food I ate, and almost instantly relate it to the (many) emotions I felt that day. How strange is that??? Reading my entries brought it all back like I was reliving it. I was like – YES! Go girl! You did the right thing and made the right decision! I’ve loved reading through my blog tonight – it reminded me of alot of little details that I haven’t thought of in a long, long time.

Like: You are the master of your universe!!!

I have to say, I just find it quite interesting that I’m able to relate the small details that I would of otherwise forgotten to my food choices. What’s up with that my peeps??? I’m a very food focused girl, whether I’m eating healthy, or un-healthy, or anyway in between. I’m making the choice.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, dreams come true. I would like to find a way to condense this passion for food into some kind of business (please God outside of IT), at some point in my life. I find it far more exciting than rebooting a server or discussing disaster recovery. Let’s talk about FOOD! Even healthy food.

Ok, so it’s difficult to tell whether my NO NOODLES! pho caused the slight gain or if it’s just a natural slight gain (my body fat dropped .3 though, that’ s nice). I can say that I won’t be having pho again on phase 2. I don’t like worrying about not preparing my own food. All-in-all I got through the birthday activities great – I baked a cake and did not have any, I went to lunch and was as close to protocol as I could be, given the circumstance and the restaurant. I have a family function next Friday that will also present some dietary challenges for me but I will come up with a plan. Life goes on when you’re doing the protocol, right? We still have to attend food related functions, we still cook for our families, and meanwhile we need to maintain our focus on what our goals and intentions are. We have to be intentional in our choices. I’m totally there, and strong in my conviction, and I love myself enough to stay focused while life goes on.

Before I forget, here’s a great line for you to use in almost any food related circumstance; where someone is pressuring you to “have JUST A BITE!!!!”. I used the line successfully twice yesterday. This is how the conversation went: “Christy, you HAVE to have some cake!!! How can you bake this and NOT have any?? One bite won’t hurt you!!”. My response: “I can’t, I’m allergic to cake. It makes my ass swell”. The result is laughter (which is great and what I wanted all along). It totally removes the pressure to eat from the situation. Nice technique huh? You can claim it for your own.

There are lots of topics that I intend to write about on this blog, eventually. Topics way heavier than just talking about the food or how I feel physically. Today’s heavy topic is going to be about how we deal with doing this protocol and how we communicate about it to friends and family (or to take it a step further, “IF” we are even able to talk about it). This is prompted by a conversation where I spoke to my beloved brother yesterday and realized that my Mom told him what I was doing (I talk to my Mom about everything, and have no concerns about doing so – my Mom is truly my best friend. I love her so!!!). I could hear the skepticism and concern in his voice. It’s understandable, the protocol seems radical and potentially dangerous on the surface, eh? That’s what I thought when I first started researching it; after about a month of research my point of view changed. After almost two weeks on the protocol I’m a believer, based on how I feel and the results I’m seeing. I asked him to read and learn about Dr. Simeons protocol before he made any judgement on it, and to have a little faith in my ability to determine what is working, how I feel, etc. etc. etc. I’m really trying to be smart (again, intentional) doing this. I have had similar discussions with friends and was met with equal skepticism. Oddly enough the most skeptical people are the thinnest; I don’t think this is coincidence.

I mentioned this blog to my brother; he asked for the link and I gave it to him even though I had reservations about it. I started this blog because I recognized that I was going to deeply need the ability to talk about my experience and what was going on. It’s quite obvious based on my posts! It might look like I spend alot of time on my posts but the words literally pour out of me and most of my daily posts take around 5 minutes. I need to talk about this stuff. In the beginning I really didn’t hesitate to do this because it was anonymous. There really is not enough information on this blog for anyone to be able to connect this with the real Christy. Some might wonder, if they stumbled across it, but it wouldn’t be obvious. Now, my blog is no longer quite anonymous. For a girl that NEVER EVER EVER discusses her weight in any context besides generalities, I am suddenly airing my dirty little secrets, and I’m extremely uncomfortable with it. The truth be told, I am ashamed of being 50+ pounds overweight. I am ashamed of being fat, and it is not an easy thing to put this in front of people; even my own family. I don’t want to hear crap like “oh you’re not fat blah blah blah”. Whatever. The scales speak. The clothes speak. I know what’s what. One thing I’m not is a stupid girl. The first step to recovery, and this is recovery from a food addiction, is facing the truth without denial. It is what it is.

So, I would ask my family this: Trust in my intelligence and my ability to decide what is in my own best interests. Trust that I am capable of determining how I feel while doing this and determining whether I’m feeling well, or ill. I need your support, and not your criticism. And for God’s sake please don’t tell anyone how much I fucking weigh!! 😛 I love you.

I am interested in other’s experiences on this and would love to hear how you are handling this; and if you have any advice for me. Please leave comments! And whether you leave a note or not; I sincerely hope that you are doing well on your own journey, and maybe even finding motivation and help from reading my blog. I am gaining alot – metaphorically, of course 🙂 – from simply writing it.