Monday, January 24, 2011

My experience has led me to believe that only by wholly entering, wholly feeling, wholly inhabiting other people and experiences, are we brought to any happiness and security. Only by allowing ourselves to see what we already see and know what we already know are we freed from depression and ennui. - Eve Ensler

Sunday, January 09, 2011

and i sit and i wonder who i am how i am and what i a feeling and where is Jeanette Winterson when i really need her? i am abandoned without a path or particular inspiration where am i going and what has happened to my purpose my sense of joy my inherent deep and prolonging knowledge of who i am and who i want to be? fuck. and fuck you. you apocalyptic horseperson full of pestilence and disease stop this relentless pursuit of my being and my personhood. why so much self-doubt? and when will it become self-pity? and what response will that bear why do i depend so much on your opinion of who i am and my loveliness to feel that i have a cosmic beautiful calling one above this world and flying solo high above this beach with both abandon and extreme caution and a scorpio carefully chooses her victims. but i am the target of my own poison, my divinely inspired hauntedness uncertainties and beauty i am beautiful but torturedly so. needing a head pat and a kiss on the cheek once in awhile. i am strong and confused beautiful gifted precise longing longing and tears and joy laughter and DSCs too many even and in want of a real home roots which run as deep in my home as they run through my heart and my body and soul a place to make soup and tea. you can come over and i can show you who i am in ways never before offered. that wasn't meant to be sexual; it is genuine and at face value a gift i want to give to you from me. my still waters run deep and trusted souls are invited to share with me, haunted and unsure blocked out faces and ghosts around every corner whom shall i trust? where is the divine when i fucking need her? lovely. i want to be lovely. or moreso recognize my beauty without a pat on the head anymore. i am fucking strong deep lovely gifted. and will everyday change grow learn wisdom and stature - just look at my church certificate proof i am growing changing never ever forget love

Monday, January 03, 2011

so...i missed posting last week. caught that flu that's been going around. Day 10 and i am still not completely ok.

wow, life changes fast sometimes. it feels like this entire year has been one large soap opera with dramatic things happening almost weekly. its kept my counsellor on her toes, i'll tell you that.

i've been in a really good space lately - really healthy and working through some past issues and past hurts which have been negatively affecting me. big things which have been haunting me for years, sometimes decades. i feel so stuck in these sometimes. i spent a day right before Christmas just praying and meditating - wow, its been a long time since i've done that. It was so good for me and brought a lot of clarity and healing and even forgiveness towards a situation i've been struggling with for a very long time.

i don't really know how to live this life. i wish i did. these patterns of small victories and major setbacks feels like it is getting very very old.