TRASHY GOSSIP

When I first spotted Madonna's new fragrance ad over on D-listed, I thought it was a piece of satire. I laughed and wondered who the clever artist was that came up with such a dead-on artistic interpretation of the overuse of Photoshop in advertising. Good one. As I looked closer, I realized the ad was REAL. Hilarious!! Who does Madonna think she's kidding? If she really wanted to be provocative, she could have posed naked without all the smoke and mirrors of lighting, makeup, photoshop and other mysterious trickery. As a service to my fellow humans, I went ahead and removed all the Photoshop so Madonna and that toxic sludge she calls "fragrance" may be presented with more authenticity. I made an uncensored version of the ad too - it can be viewed here, but beware if bare boobs give you a puritan meltdown or if your boss is lurking around. Medium: digital paint.

Sure, I'd buy Paris Hilton's newest fragrance if it was created and promoted in the real life image of Paris Hilton instead of the decontaminated fake glamour she insists on hoisting upon the weary public. At the debut party/media event for her most recent odorous concoction Tease, Paris Hilton dressed up as some sort of corpse-like version of Marilyn Monroe and struggled awkwardly to emulate the iconic sex symbol. With a ridiculously oversized wig that looked more like a bleached out Ooompa Loompa wig than a Marilyn one, coupled with a thick coat of embalmer's makeup, Paris looked more like Marilyn's stumbling zombie. I laughed out loud. In many of the photos, Paris poses by holding a bottle of Tease perfume "seductively" near her parted lips. COME ON, just go ahead and forge the bottle to appear a bit more phallic and show Paris slobbering all over the bottle's tip. Don't stop there, add more layers of harsh reality (the icing on the cake!) by including the manymanymany drug busts Paris was involved with this year. Forget staged photographs, simply use the ones of Paris stumbling out of a VIP room in some cheesy Las Vegas nightclub. I say Paris should proudly own her tarnished image and use it to her best advantage. Rename the perfume Sleaze and simply promote the image of Paris Hilton WE see. I sense a fresh new approach to marketing celebrity fragrances: Reality Perfume. Yep, just like reality TV. If Paris had gone that route, I would have purchased a bottle... and I never buy celebrity perfumes. Medium: graphite on paper, digital paint.

I find it increasingly difficult to distinguish between real products and product parodies these days. For instance, I keep getting promotional emails from a woman named Jessica Goon. Ms. Goon wants me to promote a line of pubic hair dye called "Betty" on my blog, and perhaps mention the clever stencils available for transforming "the hair down there" into a charming topiary of peace signs and lightening bolts. It took me several moments to realize that this woman named Goon was serious and that the products really existed. There ya go Jessica, I mentioned it on my blog. I digress...

When I saw the promotional website for Christina Aguilera's new fragrance Inspire, I figured it was a Mad Magazine parody. Inspire?? The perfect cheesy name for a celebrity fragrance. I noticed the photoshopped imagery and silly concept of the perfume bottle enclosed inside ethereal bubbles of pink froth. Ha, good one. After reading the product description, I had a nice hearty chuckle over how Engrish-like it came across - The fragrance will remind you not to drift along with the crowd, but will inspire you to stand up for what you believe in and strive for your dreams. Duped again, it soon became clear that Inspire is the real deal. Frustrated, I made my own parody. Medium: Classy photo of Christina found on google, photoshop, digital paint.

Introducing Celebrity Stench, the first all-purpose celebrity fragrance for the masses. Created by pouring every single bottle of celebrity fragrance ever created into a giant vat, Celebrity Stench is an amalgamation of all the celebrity traits you desire. Do you want the sexy sensuality of Jennifer Lopez, Usher, or Celine Dion? Do you yearn for the power and wealth of Donald Trump or Diddy? Do you wish to appear as attractive and alluring as Britney Spears and Paris Hilton? Now you can have it all and more with just one squirt of this amazing new fragrance breakthrough. Celebrity Stench is packaged in an economical 128 ounce plastic container and fitted with a convenient adjustable spray nozzle. Find Celebrity Stench at fine retail establishments such as Wal-Mart, Sam's Club and Costco, and if you act now, you'll receive two bottles for the price of one. That's 256 ounces of scented liquified celebrity for the low price of only $19.99! Medium: ink on paper, digital color.

UPDATE: We've just learned Celebrity Stench has been recalled back to China due to dangerous levels of lead. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

A $250 million contract with the LA Galaxy isn't enough cash for David Beckham. I can just hear Posh griping at him, "But dahling, you don't understand...I need a different Hermes bag for every outfit I wear! You wouldn't want me being seen carrying the same bloody old $12,000 bag for two days in row now would you dear?" Industry experts predict the Beckham fragrance franchise will generate $100 million in sales this year. I was especially intrigued by Instinct, Beck's fragrance for men. A dark, mysterious image of Beckham appears in the print ad. He stares deep into your eyes with his icy come-hither gaze while holding a ring that looks like it came from the InternationalMale catalog. I think the ad would have been more inviting had they used a real photo of Becks - perhaps this would have been a better fit. The Beckham Fragrances website makes a laughable attempt to distinguish Instict from all the other celebrity fragrances crowding the market. Instead of focusing on the scent, they tout the bottle: ...engraved within the carefully proportioned flacon's base is a sparkling "diamond"; a discreet reminder of Beckham's sophisticated personal style. What?!?! A fake "diamond" on the made-in-China "flacon" represents "style"? ha haaaaaaaa! It gets better: The innovative metallic cap brings a surprising twist and sense of modernity to this fragrance... I wasn't going to buy it, but I'm sold now that I've learned the cap is so innovative and...metallic. Medium: acrylic on board, digital color/text. Photo of in-process painting here. SOLD

Sarah Jessica Parker has a new fragrance out. Yawn. It's called Covet, but after noticing so manybloggersmaking references to Parker'sequine-like face, I think Equus is far more appropriate name. If you squint your eyes while watching this CovetTV commercial, you'll swear you're watching a horse kick its Louboutin clad hoof through a plate glass window. Marketing execs for Covet intended a "playful" approach to market the fragrance, so why not take it a step further and mix a little blogger-inspiredsnark to the campaign? It'd take guts, but I'd love to see it happen one day. Medium: I tore the Covet ad out of a magazine and used acrylics to paint over it, digital text. Original Painting SOLD

Diddy recently launched Unforgivable, his new fragrance for women. Ads featuring DoodlesDiddy biting, pawing and groping attractive young women caused so much controversy that even MTV refused to air the racy TV commercial unless Diddy agreed to make edits to tone it down. Of course, Diddy refused. No one tells Diddy what to do. The toothy mogul mumbled something about the type of women he had in mind when he "created" the fragrance. "She's strong, she's into fashion, a woman who's sensual and passionate, and a quiet woman. A woman who picks the words she chooses carefully, and when she speaks she says what she means." Interesting how Diddy goes to so much trouble describing the way he prefers women to communicate. I can just hear him, "Shhh, quiet down 'lil lady. Here's some money, why don't you go shopping for something sexy and when you come home, I'll grope you in the hallway. Run along now, and don't come home until you've piped down." Diddy has built his empire around one main thing: Diddy. I've reworked his print ad to better reflect his sensibilities. Medium: photoshop collage, digital paint.

Paris appeared on David Letterman to promote Can Can but Letterman was more interested in grilling her about her horrible experience in jail. After Dave suggested Hilton's time in the slammer would become her "contribution to the young people of this country", Paris grew visibly impatient and changed the subject back to her perfume, clothing line and horror film (or did she say "whore" film...I wasn't sure). When Hilton said her fragrance was inspired by the Moulin Rouge in Paris, I thought it might be more appropriate if her fragrance were inspired by the city's other legacy, DogPoopCapital of the World. She could call it Crottes de Chien, a fancy-sounding French term for dog poop.

You know what's sick? If Paris did actually create this fragrance, it would probably fly off store shelves. Medium: ink on paper, digital color.