Go back to work full-time when the baby is not quite three months old.

As your work schedule ramps back up and starts eating away at your evening and weekend hours, cling desperately to the knowledge that breastfeeding is something that you, and only you, can provide to your baby, no matter how much time you spend apart.

Think smugly about all the money you’re saving on formula.

Ignore the fact that this money-saving calculation is based on the inherent assumption that your time — all the hours spent pumping, washing bottles and nipples and flanges, waking overnight every time the baby does, parking on the couch for hours as he suckles gently through a nap — is worthless.

Tell everyone you know that you bought this book and you’re about to be finished breastfeeding forever.

After reading the approximately ten total pages that apply to your situation, and realizing they discuss all the same weaning methods you already discovered via Google, and the remainder of the page count is dedicated to explaining why you should NOT wean your baby, realize this book is trash.

Stew in your own simmering frustration for a couple of months.

Develop a too-expansive repertoire of jokes centered around the concept that your son will continue to nurse through primary school, middle school, high school, and possibly college.

Get way too excited the one night he goes to bed without asking to nurse.

5 responses to “How to Stop Breastfeeding a 2-Year-Old in Just 48 Steps”

That was the one part of childrearing that I never had to do, thank goodness. I did exactly half of the bottle feeding and the diaper changing, day and night. All these years later, I still have the bags under my eyes to prove it.