Wheeling Towards Armageddon

by Byron Bailey

My Brother and sisters:

We face a grave threat.

The wheel has become an unholy tool of the devil. Thanks to pernicious Eastern influences so prevalent in the modern culture, one can no longer view a wheel with the same innocence that one did a mere 100 years ago. Instead, now one gazes upon a wheel and is instantly reminded of the foul blasphemy of reincarnation — one’s soul spinning through life and death again and again. Damn the wheel of reincarnation!

Thankfully, God has not allowed the wheel to be so horribly corrupted by the devil in the modern age without giving the faithful resources. We still have the horse. (There’s a reason God didn’t want you to eat them.)

And not too long ago, our scientists were working on a viable hover car until we realized just how strong our efforts resembled the Tower of Babel incident. What arrogance to suppose that man should glide like an angel in this world!

Thanks to God, though, we have seen the error of our ways and now are focusing our scientific efforts in a more fruitful direction. Project Pure as the Wind Driven Snow, is the still far from ripe fruit of our efforts. Nevertheless, it holds the promise for which the righteous pray.

Once PATWDS is fully functional, the entire world will be blanketed in snow and ice. The wheel will become obsolete, its disconcerting roundness replaced by the straight and narrow lines of a sleigh’s runner.

Until then, give praise to God that you have a horse. And if you don’t have a horse, remember. There’s a reason God gave you feet.