New bullshit detectors to be trialled in Parliament

Following decades of deceit, false claims, misleading comments, hidden agendas and general gibberish a unique bullshit detection system is to be trialled in Parliament which could make it more difficult for MPs to enter the House armed with piles of bull crap.

Similar to the latest body scan security system set up at Heathrow airport, MP’s will pass through a security gate and a cartoon image of the body, penned by political satirist Steve Bell, will be displayed on a large screen. Any suspicious file, piece of scribble or devious thought will immediately show up as a large brown turd.

The new scanners will use electromagnetic waves powerful enough to scan not only through the largest of dossiers, but also the MP’s cerebral cortex. The images produced can be viewed by both the parliamentary bullshit security officer and people in the public gallery.

The trial began last week. Bill Smithson, security director at Noshit Enterprises PLC, said: "We are confident that no bullshit will pass through our state of the art security system. The electromagnetic waves will pass through the thickest of skulls and chinless craniums. These new scanners are an important step towards keeping the shite out of parliament."

Opposition to the scheme has been voiced by MP’s on all sides of the House. Communities and Local Government Secretary Eric Pickles said, “Whilst I’m totally for transparency in parliament I concerned about any log-jams this could create. If I’ve got a sitting in the House I want to get there as quickly as possible, not stand in a long queue.”

If successful the trial will also be rolled out to the Scottish Parliament and the Irish and Welsh Assemblies.

At the Welsh Assembly where X-ray scanners are used, a spokesman said of the new system: "We don't believe it is sufficiently developed for operational use. Although our system can’t look into the heads of Welsh MP’s we have stopped them smuggling in sheep from time to time. And sheep shit’s just as bad as bullshit, now isn’t it?"

surely they ought to fit the detectors on the exits? Putting them on the way in means you're gonna have a very empty house of commons. Then the next step would be to fit a giant pull handle so when the bullshit reaches too high a level you simply flush it into the thames like in the good old days