Two stories - Spiritual abuse and raised a Mormon in Utah

WHY I LEFT MORMONISM
As is the case in most stories of this sort, mine started
years before I
actually left the church. I had the notion as a teenager that getting
married in the temple and being a good member of the LDS church would
make
my life the proverbial "and they lived happily ever after". So, in
the
course of events, I did all that was required of me - even if some
family
members weren't exactly happy with my decisions. But life was harder
than
I had expected. As the years went by, and children came, and church
callings were more and more demanding, and keeping our bills paid and
food
on the table kept our noses to the grindstone, I began to experience
lots
of frustration , anxiety and doubts. The doubts I had experienced most
of
my life (I am a very deep thinker), but I kept pushing them down,
hoping
that god would reward my steadfastness. For awhile I even believed I
believed most of the doctrines, etc. of the church.

It was when I was the Gospel Doctrine teacher around 1984-87
that my
doubts began to clamor for attention. I loved this calling; I loved
the
people who seemed to enjoy my classes. I taught by the spirit and not
by
the "sterile" lesson plans outlined in the manual. I could not stand
before a group and simply follow the book - no need for anyone to come
to
class for that. But this caused me to get called into the bishop's
office
every once in a while to be reprimanded. I would remind him that I
was
doing what Boyd K. Packer admonished in the introduction of the lesson
manual - "to teach by the spirit". But I definitely was told that I
was
walking on thin ice. I see now that if we are free thinkers we are a
threat to the control the leaders have over us. That is the reason we
are
constantly told not to read anything unless it is approved by the
General
Authorities. Well, the more I studied for the lessons (and I studied
and
prayed many hours each week), the less things made sense to me. If I
asked
questions of anyone, I could tell it was the 'wrong' thing to do.
Nobody
wanted to talk to me about my doubts or try to show me the sense of
things.

In about 1987, I was put in as a counselor in the Stake Young
Woman's
Presidency. I had never been converted to the young men and women's
programs, so not only was it stressful because of being time
consuming, I
did not agree with what I was required to do. One time when I had
been
newly called, the pres. and I decided we would go to Salt Lake City to
General Conference and talk personally with Ardith Capp - the Y.W.
pres.
over the church at that time. I was so sure that if we presented to
her
the complaints of the ward Y.W. pres. - which was that they were
terribly
overburdened, that she would help lighten their load. (I don't know
how I
expected her to do that, but I had hopes). Well, in her talk she
quoted a
letter from a ward pres. stating exactly what I was planning to say to
her!
I was excited! I thought sure we were going to be given some
authority to
go back and help the presidents. Then she quoted a letter from Pres.
Ezra
Taft Bensen (I never could accept him as prophet) which stated "if you
could save one teen-ager from harm, you would crawl on your hands and
knees
to do so". I was so incensed at his (and her) insensitivity to the
present
needs of these mothers that were leaving their families at home so
often to
supposedly 'save' another child, and in doing so neglecting their own
at
home so later down the road another president might have to save them,
that
we left the second the meeting was over. I felt like I would explode
if I
stayed there one more minute. And explode I did when I reached the
street.
I started crying uncontrollably, almost shouting and waving my hands
as I
expressed my anger towards 'them' and their unreasonable control over
our
lives.

I had begun occasionally studying other religions and
philosophies, new
age stuff, and anything else that came across my path. I began to see
that
all religions have similar beginning 'myths', saviors, prophets and
structure (dogma, rituals, doctrine) to keep the masses under control.
I
began to see that 'religion' is simply a powerful and charismatic
person
taking THEIR experiences and making it THE TRUTH and creating an
organization. The more I realized that the LDS church wasn't "the
only
true church on the earth", the more I realized there was no true
church on
the earth!

Finally, in 1989, I went to the Stake counselor over the Y.W.
program and
asked to be released. I had just had a severe panic attack the day
before
and I decided that I needed to take control of my life or I was headed
for
disaster. I did not want to go to a doctor as many of my friends were
doing and take anti-depressants, etc. I never thought that I might be
experiencing PMS. The counselor was not very sympathetic. All he said
was
that they would 'begin' looking for a replacement and that it would
take
some time. I couldn't believe it! I needed relief now! I couldn't
understand why he couldn't just go to the Lord and ask for a name to
be
revealed and get it. Surely the Lord knew of my predicament and
already
had a name! Eight months later I was finally released - after much
reminding them and even being acting president for 2 months because
the
pres. moved away. In the meantime, I went to meetings, etc. and
literally
had to hold onto the sides of the chairs to not 'fly' out of them. If
I
would have had the courage I have now, I would have just said
"goodbye" and
walked away.

I have had many more "spiritual abuse" experiences, but this
is sufficient
to let you see why I left the church I am not crying 'victim'. I
believe
that these things would not have happened to me if I would not have
let
them. I am responsible for my own experiences and I feel that these
things
happened to me to anger me enough to have the courage to walk away
from
something I no longer believed in. Yes, I have had plenty of
struggles
with family and friends, but the peace I have found inside of me has
been
so healing that it has been worth the battle. I have never felt like
this
before and I will not give it up. Jesus said, "My peace I give unto
you".
He knew it was worth everything. And so it is with me.

So, that brings me to where I now am - a woman without a
country, an
oddity, an outsider, an APOSTATE! And I am at peace with that. I
now read
anything I want, eat and drink anything I want, wear what I want or
don't
want, go where I want when I want and I do not believe 'god' condemns
me
for that. I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. My
relationship with my husband and children and family is better than it
has
ever been. Yes, I have 'glitches' that tell me there are things
within me
that still want working on. I look on them as part of the excitement
of
life - the discovery of myself and then the ability to look at things
from
a higher level. I believe each one of us is responsible for our own
happiness. If someone asks about my beliefs, I am more than happy to
share
them, otherwise I will not talk about them. I in no way want to
convert
anyone to any particular way of thinking.
I wrote this to see for myself where I am at, and what I read
feels good.
If it helps anyone to understand me better, great! If not, oh, well.
It
is not necessary to understand, agree or accept anything anyone else
is or
says. However, if there is a desire to have a good relationship with
someone, there is the need to adjust. This works! I apply it
frequently.
My parting words are this: " MAY WE LIVE IN LOVE AND FREEDOM - WHICH
IS
FOUND WITHIN US - WHEREIN GOD DWELLS. THIS IS MY DESIRE FOR ALL
HUMANITY!"

Raised a Mormon in Utah

As I write this on a snowy Sunday afternoon, my family is sitting in
church. And I know for a fact at least one of my brothers and my father
don't believe in what they're hearing. Before I go into the story of why
I left Mormonism I suppose I should give a little background on my
family. My parents were both converts to the LDS church in their early
20's. Once they joined they both decided to serve missions for the
church. However, their parents had very different reactions to it. My
dad's mother while not believing in the cause supported her son both
emotionally and financially while my mother's mother (my grandfather's
were both deceased before all of this) reluctantly allowed her daughter
to be taken out of her life. She tried to turn my mother around with
"anti-Mormon" literature but to no avail. This opposition only
strengthened in her mind, causing her to have a stronger belief in the
church even more then before. This due to Mormons being taught that they
are persecuted so much because they have the truth. Anyway, my parents
met when they were assigned to the same mission. My dad worked in the
mission office and my mom was a regular sister missionary since women
can't hold leadership positions. They never got involved with each other
on their mission, but when they came home to different countries they
kept in contact and eventually got married, basically courting by mail
and phone calls. At the time my mother was going to BYU to finish up her
teaching certification. She had graduated college prior to her mission.
So upon marriage they decided to start their family here in Utah even
though they didn't have family anywhere near here. They felt it would be
best to be close to the church. When they got married, my mom's mother
wanted to go to the wedding, but was told she couldn't because she
couldn't enter the temple. This was very traumatic for her and she
resented my father for many years because in her eyes he had taken her
daughter away from her. I find it interesting that a church based on
family values almost tore up mine for good, and still may as you will
read later on. (My father's couldn't come because of the distance
anyway).

Cut to fourteen years later, when I, the oldest of five children
(almost average size for a family in this area) started doubting the
church, actually the idea of God in general. Even though this was the
first time I had conscious doubts in my mind my whole childhood I wasn't
really a traditional Mormon kid. Sure I knew all the correct answers to
questions, "What are you going to do when you're 19?" "Go on my
mission." But I can honestly say that in my entire time in the church I
never once bore my testimony. Honestly, when I was a child I didn't even
know what a testimony really was. Therefore, how could I give one? One
of the biggest things that got to me when I started doubting was the
baptism at the age of eight. The church claims the child makes the
decision, but rarely is this the case (maybe if the kid's a prodigy). I
really don't understand how anyone can be expected to make such a big
decision at such a young age. At that age you're still relying on what
your parents say is right. I realize that other churches that perform
baptisms do it at birth, but they don't pretend it was the child's
choice.

When I started writing this I was trying to remember what it was
that triggered my doubts about the church, especially at such a young
age. At the age of fifteen I had decided in my mind for sure that the
church wasn't true and that there was no God. I am nearly twenty now and
still an Atheist. I'd like to add that this is the first time I've said
that where I know I won't have that held against me. I'd also like to
take this opportunity to thank everyone who has contributed to this
web site, I have found you people to be very open-minded, which was
something I rarely found in the church. Sorry to get off track just
then. I guess what my triggered my doubting was a little odd. You see
at the age of fourteen I became and still am a vegetarian. When I made
this public I was criticized greatly by people in the church. Such
comments is "God put them on the earth for us" were not uncommon. But as
I was reading the Word of Wisdom in the Mormon written Doctrine &
Covenants I found the following (I swear this will be my only scripture
quote). D&C 89:12-13 "Yeah, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the
air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving;
nevertheless they are to be used sparingly; and it is pleasing unto me
that they SHOULD NOT BE USED (emphasis added), only in times of winter,
or of cold, or famine." After finding this one example of hypocrisy
within the church (that and/or ignorance of your own doctrine), it was
very easy to find others. I showed the above verse to my very TBM mother,
who drew the same conclusions I did about it's meaning. Although to this
day she still ignores it. After seeing how much they ignored their own
scriptures it wasn't surprising to me that they ignore the bible. For
you see Mormon doctrine accepts the bible "only as far as it is
translated correctly." I've come to find this to mean they get to ignore
anything in it that contradicts their beliefs, including their authority
to hold the priesthood among other things. At this point I started
researching the historical evidence of the Book of Mormon only to find
there wasn't any. I really don't feel a need to go into great detail on
this since there is plenty of documentation on this site for those who
want to research that topic.

Because my father was the bishop when I was growing up I didn't
have an official bishop's interview until I was sixteen. This bishop was
a nice man, and to this day we're still good friends, but when I voiced
my problems to him he just told me to read the Book of Mormon and pray
about it. While he was a nice man he had no special training in dealing
with psychological problems and it bothered me that I was expected to go
to someone with no expertise with my biggest problems. I also didn't
like that when I finally did go to him with my problems he didn't offer
any real answers.

The biggest reasons for my leaving the church however, didn't
have to with the church specifically, although their belief in a God who
doesn't sound very Christian to me didn't help matters. I can't remember
which story it was but "Cosmic Terrorist" fits extremely well. It was my
inability to find any evidence of God, and as such I felt I had to reject
ALL religions that believed in this philosophy. But now years later, I
see the mind control in the Mormon church and resent that aspect of it.
As I mentioned earlier I considered myself non-Mormon at the age of
fifteen. I didn't stop going until I was almost eighteen because I was
afraid of what other people, mostly my parents, would think. Because of
this I attended Seminary through most of high school (remember, I live in
Utah, so I took it during the day just like any other class). One of the
moments that stuck out in my mind during these years follows: During one
class my junior year the issue of plural marriage came up and one girl
who until then I thought of as a "Molly Mormon" (I'm a horrible judge of
character and as such I try not to let first impressions get the better
of me) was quite vocal about her feelings about it and asked if it was
true the church believed it would be practiced in heaven. The teacher
was forced to answer yes, and we could all see she was very frustrated.
His only response was that she would have to trust in God and it would
all be revealed to her later. She didn't seem too happy with this
response but stopped discussing it anyway because some of the other kids
in the class were giving her a hard time. I saw her about a year later
and she had become inactive. It was around the time of this discussion
that I realized I wasn't alone. The biggest reason I've seen for people
being unable to leave the church, is the sense of community it brings. I
compare it to the youth gangs around here. Like the church it gives them
a sense of belonging they've been unable to find anywhere else. And just
like in the Mormon church they find it hard to leave for fear of the
retaliation of the other members.

While the church hasn't resorted to
killing anyone for leaving the church (as far as I know ) I think
you can see the similarities. So when people questioning their faith
find our there are people like them it gives them an opportunity they
didn't have before. That's why I believe this page has been such a big
help for a lot of people. We have support groups for people recovering
from alcoholism, it only makes sense to me that we have one for religious
addiction. As for me I regret not telling my father sooner, he was
surprisingly understanding and allowed me to stop going immediately. My
mother while loving, shows no signs of accepting me for who I am. She
hopes that my lost soul will come back someday. She's told me all I have
to do is repent and I'll be welcomed back. In her eyes I have sinned.
For the record at the time I left I had not done anything that would
cause me to lose my standing in the church involuntarily. My dad has
started voicing his problems with the church within the family and will
probably be leaving, when this happens half my family will probably leave
the church with him, and this has been very hard on my mother. The
biggest reason he hasn't left besides fear of hurting (and possibly
losing) my mother is leaving the community that has given him so much
(wife, kids, job, friends, etc.) He has very close friends who may very
well end up refusing to associate with him after this. Also the church
teaches that the only way to achieve the highest level of celestial glory
is to have a family sealed for eternity in the temple. Since my dad no
longer holds a temple recommend this is not possible in her eyes. As I
write this one of my brothers is preparing to serve a mission for the
church and it rips my heart out to know I'm going to lose someone for two
years who I've been so close to my whole life when I know it to be false.
I would say to those who are investigating Mormonism, I would strongly
suggest you investigate it further. To me joining it is not worth the
hurt it will cause. By visiting this web page you're on the right track.
For those who are thinking of leaving, I highly recommend it, it is very
difficult, but it is well worth it. I hope this story has helped. Thank
you very much for taking the time to read it.