My wife just told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

why do i love bananas so much?

they have a peel

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

Past& Sees Her.

Susie is a prostitute who doesn't want her gran to know. One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.The gran walks past& sees her.Quick thinking Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges, so her gran joins the queue. When the Police get to gran, they're surprised& ask her 'how do u do it at your age?'she replies ,I take my teeth out, peel back the skin& suck 'em until they're dry.

I'm an annoying on the outside, but I'm like an onion.

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

Did you hear about the guy who slipped on a banana and sued?

He won the trial, but he got overturned on a peel.

A blonde is walking down the street and sees a banana peel 10 ft in front of her

She says to herself "Oh no not again."

Why are Spiderman stickers the stickiest?

They don't peel so good.

Why don't old men like old women?

Ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

How much time goes by between when you slip on a banana peel and when you hit the ground?

A bananosecond.

Couldnt find it

I couldn't find the thingy you use to peel the carrots and potatoes anywhere, so I asked the kids if they had seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday.

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

How many Blondes does it take to bake chocolate chip cookies?

10....one to bake the cookies, and 9 to peel the M&Ms

When life gives you lemons...

Peel one of the lemons in front of the others... You know, to send a message.

How do you peel a banana?

1. Get banana sunburned. Banana will soon begin to peel.

2. Scare banana. Grab skin when it jumps out of it.

3. Hypnotize banana. Tell banana it is a snake. Banana will shed skin.

4. Call banana yellow. Banana will want to fight. Will remove jacket.

POLICE ROADBLOCK

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

(Courtesy of a two year old preschooler) why did the banana go to the doctor?...

Because he didn't peel right!

Converting Units:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

Why don't blondes eat M&M's?

They're too hard to peel.

What do you call the small amount of time between when you slip on a peel and when you hit the pavement?

A bananosecond

Beer-o-derm

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock.
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir." said Earl. "We're on the patch."

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby?

Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.

Answer 2: I tear up a little bit when I'm chopping up onions.

What's the difference between friends and potatoes?

Potatoes don't scream when you peel their skin and toss them in boiling water.

A dyslexic Sanders supporter was kicked out of the botanical gardens

He kept trying to peel the ferns.

Personally, I don't like bananas.

But I can understand the, uh, peel.

Why do bananas need to use sunscreen?

cuz they peel.

Does anyone know how to easily peel a kiwi?

All those feathers keep getting in the way

A farmer trained his rooster to peel the husks off of corn

What a cock-shucker

How long does it take for someone to hit the ground after slipping on a banana peel?