Day 11: Is it toxic people, something toxic to heal in myself or a dystopian epic?

Updated: Feb 12

Biked downtown to pick up my paycheck from restaurant two. It happened to be the dinner rush. The bartender/supervisor who appears to be causing personnel problems was on duty.

He has lashed out at me in a shaming way before, made stuff up in need of correction and generally caused turmoil. People are finding other jobs because of his behavior.

Normally, I can read a situation and find the motivation in someone for their actions and shift the energy. This guy is an enigma for some reason. He’s either a sociopath or I am missing a crucial piece of insight. What I do know, is when he is emotionally stressed (such as by a busy night with non-stop action), he finds it cathartic to vent steam on whomever he has chosen as a victim. He was fine before being made a supervisor, but the new title has given his (perhaps delicate) ego a reason to run rampant.

When he sees you the next time, he tries to make up for it, at least for a short time. Usually with a quirky smile. However, restaurants are naturally chaotic at times and he can’t hold it in for long. He gets obsessed about the music choices, and whether people are working hard enough. The energy just ends up being demoralizing and abusive.

It is showing in the mass exodus and degradation of the culture.

Still, that doesn’t quite explain his consistently weird behavior with me. Tonight, he got disturbed about my being there to pick up my check. This restaurant doesn’t have direct deposit – a completely inconvenient thing for this day and age. We’re forced to find time to venture in and get a physical check. It isn’t always easy to pick a perfect time, convenient for all.

I stayed downtown and read from my Jordan Peterson book. I am finding his points fascinating and well thought out. Supposedly he is super controversial. Maybe calling people on their shit these days, is controversial, I don’t know. In the least it is a thought-provoking book.

I thought more about the Joe Dispenza coursework. I asked the Universe to send me the money because it feels important I take those two classes. Eventually it will be important I go to the week-long retreat too. The intro courses will keep me busy for 13 weeks, though.

I can see how my mind currently wants to capsize into limitation and lack of resources, or my ability to seemingly create them. I’m starting to get that pattern. My father sent me a demeaning video about millennials. Just as I am poking out from my hole. What creates that?

I know I need to start the meditations regularly in which I envision my ideal state -physically, mentally, in relationship and with finances. It’s important I create discipline around this. Even if it takes awhile to get it all together.

What does it feel like to be in the ideal employment? What needs do I require to have taken care of with what I create? What relationships do I want all around me?

Deep work causes deep reflection just as I am sensing what the limits are – if any. Joe says that you are never too sick, too old or too whatever to change. That in and of itself is an advanced concept. In order to even imagine I can accomplish anything and create the life I came here for, I need to release any sense of being a victim. Being in question is the key. Doing what it takes even when it makes me uncomfortable.

What responsibility do the awakening few have to those who remain stuck and mired in emotions and the past? Whatever the bartender/supervisor is thinking or doing, for example – is it my role to fix it or simply recognize that the environment is toxic, and I need to move on?

If I am putting on my leadership hat or my consciousness hat – is there anything I haven’t considered which would shift this energy?

In the meantime, I continue to write and experience this creative journey.