Cricket now a full contact sport

The game of cricket this weekend underwent the most radical change since its codification in the 18th century, after being redesignated as a full contact sport.

The first match under the new rules also saw the game’s first ever ultra-brutal takedown, when Rory Burns and Moises Henrique collided so violently that they were both hospitalised.

Umpire Roland Stump said “It was a brilliant tackle by both men – the only slight problem with which was that they weren’t on opposing teams. But we’ve only just introduced the new rules, so it’s early days. They’ll get the hang of it.”

Cricket, which has always had overtones of gentlemanliness, privilege, and a widely celebrated tedium, has been recast as a contact sport in order to bring in more aggressive sponsorship, and to meet the bloodlust of a population of increasingly nasty bastards.

Changes to the rules will allow both teams to field their 11 men simultaneously, all of whom will be armed with bats and carrying cricket balls. These will be filled with small amounts of volatile explosives.

International Cricket Council spokesman, Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, said “The game’s got this wonderful history; village greens, the crack of leather on willow, inventing rules that allowed us to beat the fuzzy-wuzzies in the days of empire.

“But at the end of the day you have to say ‘show me the money’. Just like in that film, Jerry Garcia.”