Just got back from visiting my ol’ stomping grounds in New Jersey where I spent the weekend with my parents and grandparents, just talking, eating and enjoying good company. And all this was done in the dark. Yep, that’s right. Even nearly two weeks after Hurricane Sandy unleashed her fury, the Garden State is still struggling to recover. And let me tell you: Living without power for that long will quickly make you appreciate the little things.

Like walking into a dark room and then transforming it with just the flip of a switch. Or turning on a faucet and seeing water actually pour out. Or pulling into a gas station on any day you choose, not just the days you’re allowed to based on the numbers on your license plate. Or just using the bathroom without strategically planning your “number twos” based on how much water is in the tank. Or not having to wake up at two o’clock in the morning to wander outside in your pajamas to fill the generator with gas. (Okay, fine. My dad did that part. But still…)

When you’re without electricity for a while, your mind tends to do a lot of thinking. There are no reality shows to turn your brain into mush, no hair dryers to block out the noise of everyday life, and no steaming hot baths to drown your worries in. Basically, it’s you, alone, with a candle, a flashlight and your thoughts. So I spent the time brain blogging.

The topic of said brain blog? Well, duh: dating. But it took me a while to get there. I started thinking about the little things that I appreciated so much only when I lost them due to the power outage — the electricity, the running water, the reliable gas station service. I thought about all the other things that used to cloud my view — television, tech gadgets, iPhone apps. The hustle and bustle of 2012 can really muddy the waters of life, making it easy to forget how good we have it.

And sitting there with my grandparents put things into perspective really quick. One night, under the glow of one generator-juiced light bulb in the kitchen, we chatted about the “olden days.” The days when my Slavic baba and dido (grandma and grandpa) lived in China and shared one outhouse (a hole in the ground) between ten families. When they heated their small house with a wood burning stove, only to wake up every day to burnt embers and a bitter cold house. When they trekked to the town well or the river to get buckets of water for cooking and washing. When there was no such thing as a power outage.

I think we’ve made dating way too complicated, particularly in the Christian dating scene. We’ve taken a simple thing and added unnecessary rules, pressures and expectations — making it something impossible to satisfy. And I think what we need is a massive power outage to bring us back to the basics.

I know too many people that enter dating with a mindset altogether too serious. They expect to gauge so much during the first date, ultimately hoping to know if the person sitting across from them is indeed their future spouse. They expect to hear from God, through a burning bush or a burning restaurant menu, that this person is or is not “the one.” And all this in a couple hours over an oriental chicken salad and a glass of white wine? Let’s get real!

Why does dating have to be so serious? When did it lose the fun factor?

Here’s a thought: What if we knocked out the power for a while and started to simplify the process of dating? (Note: I’m not suggesting dating in the dark, people. That was a terrible and short-lived reality show premise that really lowered the standards of humanity.) What I’m suggesting is filtering past all the things we’ve built up in our minds as to what dating actually is, and landing on something a bit easier.

Dating is not a magic litmus test to find a husband or wife.

Dating is not a feeler to gauge how many children your date wants in the future.

Dating is not a way to tell if he or she will make a good father or mother.

Dating is not a way to find out if someone is good in bed.

Dating is not a seminary course exam to test the theological prowess of your date.

Dating is not when you’ll find out if your date will be the spiritual leader of the family.

Phew! No wonder dating has become so complicated. We’re setting the expectation level right below “completely unrealistic” and right above “yeah right.” It’s a typical problem that I notice with Christian dating — going too deep too soon, and viewing “dating” the same as “relationships.” Because there is a huge difference between those two things, and not realizing that can unfortunately stop both of them from ever working for you.

So if all the topics listed above are off limits for at least the first date, if not the first five, then what’s left to explore?

The really shallow stuff.

Yep, I’m telling you to be shallow.

Forget the deep end, folks. Jump, cannonball style, into the shallow end and let the fun begin!

Because if you can’t relate on these basic levels, then who the heck cares if you both want two boys, one girl and a yellow Labrador named Minnie?

Start small. Start simple. Grab a lantern and meet during a power outage. It’s amazing what you’ll find out about your date in the dark. (With your clothes on, people! Get your minds out of the gutter.)

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130 thoughts on “Dating in the Dark”

Oh my gosh!! Its like you read my mind from 1000 miles away!!! I have not dated in 9 years (long and complicated explanation, but its all good). Recently decided that its time to get out there and I met a guy. He seems really nice, but he falls short on a few of the more important things on my “checklist”. I have been second guessing myself and wondering if I should go down that road. A friend told me (within the last couple days), “You just need to give him a chance and have fun. Its been too long and you deserve the chance to get back out there even if its not perfect.” It was like a light bulb went in in my head. Yeah I deserve to have fun, and maybe even have a guy oogle over me for a while, because There is no telling what God is up to. God may want to use me to help get to this guy. So, thank you for confirming this. Almost no one is going to be perfect, but we have the right to enjoy ourselves on the journey. (first date since 2003 on Friday and I can hardly even sleep. Its like I am back in high school)🙂

Congrats on getting back into the dating scene! I know it can be tough. Good on you! Those butterflies that are keeping you up at night — how fun is that?! Love it.

Yes, you should definitely not be afraid of having a little fun. Dating doesn’t have to be so serious all the time. Eventually, you will have to decide if this man is someone you want to enter into a relationship with, and THEN is when you can start with all the deep topics. For now, just have fun getting to know him… and see if there is that undeniable spark. Good luck!

Ruth, you are so funny. I love this post on so many levels. Seriously, what happened to just having fun in dating, the shallow stuff? Dating is usually so stressful, my anxiety goes up just thinking about it. I loved reading your blog and your perspective shift. Lol, ‘dating in the dark’, I admit I watched it. Lol. A few episodes *blush*. Great post!

The stress of dating is so unnecessary, right? I think we’ll always get nervous a little when dating, especially at the beginning. But let’s just chalk that up to butterflies. Anxiety, though? That’s when we know we’re going too fast or taking ourselves too seriously. The time will come to discuss all that deep stuff. That time is never (ever) on the first date!

I admit I watched that show too! What a nightmare!!! I felt so embarrassed for every contestant.

Not having all the “necessities of life” reminded me of the movie “Cast Away”. One of the scenes is where Tom Hanks makes fire. In the end when the fire is burning he screams “I have made fire”. It is one of the few scenes that stuck with me from that movie. In some way, dating is the same. You have to make fire when it is dark, so that later you can flip that switch for the electricity. You have to graduate to get electricity. Give a caveman electricity and see how long he can keep it in his hands. And if you have made that fire on the first date then celebrate it. Don’t sit and wallow about what you said, what she said etc. I speak from experience. I got that feeling of making fire on the first date, just for me to throw a bucket of ice cold water of reality on it.

A few years ago I went on a blogging rant about this very concept. I said something to the effect of “just because I ask you out doesn’t mean that I want to get married on date # 2”. I wrote it after I got Jesus Dumped (it’s the Jesus Juke of I don’t want to date you excuses often framed as “I’m dating Jesus right now”. Which sounds slightly creepy… My response is: well I can’t compete with the savior of all mankind…). I don’t know how many times I’ve asked a nice Christian lady out, only to be told that “I’m not sure if I’m looking for a relationship right now.” Which frustrates me, because I just want to see if we click over dinner and mini golf. I think that the tendency to dive right into the deep end is what drives many men to date outside of the church. We want to go out and see if we can get along, not to see if we will be getting married next month. We just all need to relax about this stuff. A person can date casually and not compromise beliefs / principals. The deeper stuff will happen, in the normal course of time.

Jesus Dumped! HA! You’re right. You really can’t compete with the savior of all mankind. Talk about pressure.

I have noticed that men outside the Church can be more casual about dating. I’m not even referring to sex or hook-ups (which is true, too). I’m talking about just the approach to dating. They seem to steer clear of “touchy” topics early on, which, frankly, makes for very relaxed, enjoyable dates. In the Church, you’re probably right that women drive the “serious” train for the most part. I’ve seen it over and over with friends, (and sometime with myself in my weaker moments!). Love your last quote: “A person can date casually and not compromise beliefs / principles.” YES and AMEN, David!

Also loving you for pointing out that ALOT of us (including me sometimes) take a date too seriously and we forget to have fun! Going on a date tomorrow, and yes, I’m gonna have fun, and no, I’m NOT gonna marry him HAHAHHAHAHAH!😛

there we go! talking about the real stuff! that’s how it all starts, you’re right, Ruth, to put things back into perspective. sometimes, we lose sight of what’s really important, we just need a little reminder. I’m sure this one will hit the right spot!
Cheers!
Date well!
Jul’

No, I don’t think I’m trying too hard. This is probably a misconception based on the fact that I write a dating blog. “She writes about dating all the time… she must be obsessed with it!” I’m actually very happy as a singleton. I just think that dating is an important topic that isn’t discussed in a proper light. Needs to be brought out into the open!

This is a great post and I must say you are funny and have your way with words… loved every bit of it… thoughts well expressed! and I am sure you must have inspired a lot of people back into business (“dating”).. haha… Keep writing..keep sharing… have a good day!

I have not dated for over 29 years. I have been married to the only guy I ever did date and our 30th anniversary is next July. We are very much alike in our values but that is where it ends (and it is definitely enough). We have very few things in common. We don’t like the same sports but both like to keep active. We don’t like the same books or movies. He likes parties but is shy. I am not shy at all,but like to have most of my time to myself . I just like him so much. I think he is a wonderful person and can not imagine my life without him.
I think every relationship that works, works because the couple allows each person to be the best that God intended. From the outside, good working relationships can appear very different from the ideal. But the fruit that is produced from a partnership that is working with God is proof of its “correctness”.

Wow! 30 years — congrats! What an accomplishment. And I agree that if you’re founded on the same core values, everything else is just butter, just icing on the cake. So what if you don’t like the same TV shows? Deal with it. There is something called a remote control.😉

I agree that I would love friendship first. But I know so many couples that didn’t have years of friendship first — they developed that over time. I’d say as we get older, there’s less likelihood that we’ll spend a long time (years!) working on a friendship that might lead to a romance. In our 30s and 40s, we know what we want!

Ha – it’s been a while since I’ve dated, but if I were to do it again, it would be a whole lot different – way more relaxed and less like a job interview. I always felt like everything had to be about finding “the one” when I was dating that I let great guys and possibly great friendships go.

If only I had lightened up a little and turned off some of that unnecessary pressure/power.

I am glad you had such a great weekend with your family. Great and thoughtful post! Congrats on being “Freshly Pressed”!

I know too many people (including myself at times!) who view dating as the “quest to find the one.” I get that mentality, because ONE TIME it actually will. ONE TIME. But how about dating in general? What a tremendous amount of pressure to place on a first, second, third date.

I never heard such a true statement on dating, the expectations set on such things are too pressuring. Though your writing is fantastic and really relateable, I would add one thing. The judgment of other people influences people so much these days. I get judged so harshly because of the “status” or even looks of the other person in my relationship that I feel like my opinions are being overtaken by society. Friends believe that adding their negative views on my situation are okay, even though they see me perfectly content. So, not only does technology and imaginary yet universal rules dissuade others from dating, the pessimistic opinions of the community is too harsh, also.

You’re right, and it’s a sad truth. I write about it a lot on this blog actually — trying to live up to the standards set by others / society / family… instead of trying to live for ourselves and our beliefs. The judgment flies all too quickly when it comes to dating. I’m learning that I TOO throw it at others — “Are you sure he’s good for you?”, “Are you attracted to him?”, “You could do better!” Hmmm… these little comments. I’ve learned to back off and speak up only when really necessary. Let the daters figure it out for themselves. I hope others can do the same for me.

There is a girl out there who loves Jesus and is telling me to be shallow on a first date? Well hello there…

Great post. Christian dating has become such a complicated mixture of rules, weird expectations, and pressure to be perfect. It’s nice to know that there are still people who believe that the best way to get to know someone is by hanging out together. And if you are not with 20 other people it does not mean that you have committed to marry the person.

And group dates aren’t cool! Yes, they have their place… but we actually do have to hang out alone to get to know each other. It’s common sense. Sorry if it doesn’t fit the courting mentality, but I’m not looking for the perfect son-in-law for my parents — I’m looking for the perfect man for ME.

I have lots of take home on this one! And the timing is quite perfect since I’ll be having a date tomorrow! Haha. And you just typed all my frustrations here! Hahaha. Amazingly funny. Thanks much Ruth. ;D

Starting small is good advice, but don’t forget to have fun doing it. If you’re grabbing that lantern to meet someone in the darkened power outage area with your clothes on, who says you can’t dress like Batman? Also, I feel one requirement for a couple to be combatible is they must both like The Princess Bride. If either one of them doesn’t like it, it won’t work.🙂

I was in Florida and when I lived there, we had 4 hurricanes. One time we were without power for 8 days. It was hot and awful. I slept outside in a tent because the house was so hot. One morning, while in the tent, a truck came by and sprayed this poison to kill mosquitos. It got all over the yard and my tent. Being without electricity makes you aware how nice it is, when you get it back. Hope you get power back on soon.

Cool blog. So true what your saying about people thinking that dating and relationships are exactly the same thing. My best friend’s boyfriend took forever to ask her out. We still joke about it today. There I saw that there is a definite distinction between the two. I come from the stance that you normally cross a line where you can automatically feel the difference between dating and a relationships, but sure there is a difference. The other day I got this realization that: Too many couples these days act too much like married couples at a too early stage, probably the reason why there are so many divorces, because they jump into it too early. The thing is being in a relationship is a place to have fun, learn to know each other and just get to know each other without worrying too much about the long term. But there comes a time where it is necessary to decide if this is really what you want. No one wants to be kept on a line.

Brilliant: “Too many couples these days act too much like married couples at a too early stage.” What’s the RUSH people? Dating is fun! Enjoy it while it lasts! Trust me, so many married people I know MISS the stage of dating. Why rush through it?

YAY FOR YOU! I just read another blog post today that said the exact opposite today – Christians should not date anyone unless they think they want to marry them – and it gave me a sad so hard. Thanks for providing some much-needed balance =D

Oh good for you! But at 55 dating is seriously not on the cards for me unless I suddenly discover a liking for 85 year old men with five ex-wives and a hatred of women, unless the love to cook………your article almost makes me glad I won´t have to be going through all this serious stuff again.

Whoa whoa whoa… why is dating not in the cards for you? 55? That is so young!!! Have you tried eHarmony or Match.com? I know plenty of older singles who have found matches through online dating. I believe eHarmony has a site specifically targeting 50+ daters. Check it out! You’ve got a LOT of years ahead of you, girl. I hope you find someone to share them with. xoxo

I am a bit out of the dating loop and certainly not in the thirty something range but I did have some success in dating that I thought might be useful and ties into your shallow end theme.

Dating forums are a great way to meet and connect. I just don’t know if they exist or not. Are people doing this anymore? My husband and I met through a forum (new to me, not to him). The nice thing about it is you can just look or you can take part. The categories range from humor, current events to relationships. When you participate…connections occur.

The other thing that gave me huge insight on who he was is that we played a game of twenty questions (all questions sent at the same time) via private mail. Some of the questions were mundane such as, “What did you have for dinner last night?”. And some were general interest, “What music do you listen to?”. And some were explorative, “What was the most difficult thing you ever did?”. Done with a mix up of light weight questions this can be very fun and revealing. Although I have to admit that it was much easier to do this on-line as you could bear your soul on the tough questions (not recommending you tell any deepest darkest secrets) without having to watch them as you said it. You still thought about how they would react and most often you were reassured when they responded and didn’t freak out. But, if they did…it would be very telling, indeed.

I don’t actually know if dating forums exist anymore. Not clean ones, anyway. Everything eventually gets muddied up by gross people. Sounds like it would’ve been fun, though!

The question thing is interesting, and it’s sort of along the lines of what eHarmony does when they match you with someone. (You ask each other multiple choice questions to get to know each other.) Though it can be tedious to do over and over again, I actually like it. You can learn a lot about someone that way!

Yeah, I am a Christian, and I have heard that idea from a bible college that EVERY date, should have the idea behind it that this is a potential marriage partner.
I believe it was some sort of reaction to stuff.

And as you pointed out, it is a bit too heavy too severe. You are right.

I am married now. For a long time. And have observed my wife’s students on Friday night and Saturday.

I noticed that they were just like me when I was single on a Friday or a Saturday. They wanted to go out on the town, they wanted to go somewhere with a guy and have some fun. However, I think many guys take dating a woman as an “investment” or as a “job interview” or something serious as you pointed out . You are right. Good blog. Good writing. I am also sorry about the hurricane. Hope that you all recover from that OK.

Yep, that message about the serious nature of dating has circulated the Christian circles for far too long. It’s really got to stop! I’m not telling people to go on 50 dates and sleep around and be crazy. It’s not so black and white!

Great insight through your wife’s students. We can learn a lot from kids! Just because many of us are dating later in life, doesn’t mean it should lose that fun, butterflies-in-my-stomach type of feeling. At least I hope it doesn’t!

I like the thought where you mentioned that dating is not equivalent to “marrying you”. I mean, it’s the misconception that people have. i like going out with different people, just to see how bad we clicked. And, I never liked referring going out with guys the same as going on a date. I prefer to say it as just to hang out casually. If the “hangout” frequents, then perhaps, it could be moving to the next level… God knows.

Well-said! Dating is fun! I’ve never approached dating as a precursor to marriage. I just viewed it for what it was – a date! But when I met / was dating my husband, I kinda knew it would blossom into something more. We didn’t date with the intention of marrying each other, but at some point we knew it would happen.

Love that. With your husband, you started with dating… but you just knew. That’s the spark factor, the chemistry. You didn’t have to grind him with questions or quiz him on his values and morals upfront. That came in time.

I really enjoyed this post. I’ve just started dating a guy after not having dated in a long time and I was wondering whether I should continue seeing him. I told my sister this and she asked what the reasons were to stop seeing him and to be honest I couldn’t think of any justifiable reasons. I enjoy his company and it’s great for my Spanish🙂 So, I should just enjoy it! If something comes of it, great, if not I’ve had fun along the way.

It’s fine to continue dating him. But at some point (a month, two months, whenever is right for you guys), you will have to decide if it’s “going somewhere.” Because whether you like it or not, IT IS going SOMEWHERE. And you have to navigate that. If your desire is to be married one day and this relationship isn’t going there (over time), you will have to walk away. But if you’re in the stage of getting to know each other and figure all that out, stay put!

I am glad you are taking time to look at this in an objective way, dating I mean. It is such a hard process and one I surely do not miss. I can only imagine how you feel as you try to see the future. Good luck in your quest.

Loved this post! It is so true, everyone holds such high expectations on the first date, and that is when you are BARELY getting to know the other person! It is easy to get wrapped up in these thoughts, but one must remember that good things don’t happen overnight. They take time. It’s better to fully get to know someone and decide they are not “right” for you, than to stop short and wonder down the road. Ahh dating is difficult, but it truly makes you appreciate the good ones that you find. And eventually one of them will be a keeper🙂

So well put! I remember when I started dating the guy who’s now my husband. The best date we had was our second date where we debated the redeeming qualities of our favorite movie/book/music genres. We didn’t agree on any of them, but it was fun learning about things I may have otherwise never heard of!

Over the past 11 years, we’ve learned so much about the world by seeing it through the other’s POV. The basis for our time dating was to have fun and just enjoy being together, and look at that: we still do!

Your second date sounds fabulous. What a fun conversation! I bet you learned so much about each other, even if some might consider those topics to not be too “deep.”

I’m so happy reading this sentence you wrote: “The basis for our time dating was to have fun and just enjoy being together, and look at that: we still do!” Goosebumps! This is exactly what I’m looking for. Thank you SO much for sharing.

You can thank WordPress for me finding your fabulous writing! Love it. Strikes me that you are really advocating the need, nay humanities need, to embrace a simpler way of life before our planet imposes it on us. Reflect on how light a touch is made by animals. Keep on writing! Paul (Learning from Dogs)

Good grief, I pity the people and mind frame who have to be unbuttoned so very carefully and painstakingly. What are you dating for, the truth? A contract? Security? Go memorize the dictionary, find a lawyer or buy yourself insurance.
If it is not leavened with just a bit of humor, understanding and mischief, if it is not spiced with a pinch of flirtatiousness, charm and trust your conversation will stay flat, as perfectly flat, heavy and bland as the life you apparently lead.
Gender appreciation is one supreme form of gender respect, a personal distinction and cultural heritage you indeed need to learn and cultivate. Not too easy to manage at first, perhaps never without risk, but worth it. It may take effort, may take time, may take travel, may necessitate some confusion, a measure of embarassment. But which will reward you with experience and laughter, and finally will teach you tact and humanity instead of hedging your principles.
Who was that US First Lady who would not allow the French President Chirac to kiss her hand in greeting? How uninformed, styleless and daft can one be? Why would you travel to France only to demonstrate that you have not yet arrived? And why would a man speak to a woman, or a woman to a man, only to say absolutely nothing with any warmth and recognition? Human are not neuters.
Then rather give up and go walk the dog.

Sorry this is late – I’m catching up on “Freshly Pressed” emails I’ve neglected throughout the year. I’m glad I read this just now though. My girlfriend of two-and-a-bit years and I have had real difficulties of late – too many conversations and arguments about deep feelings and past and future conflicts. Reading this has sparked the notion in me that perhaps we too just need to focus on sharing little pleasures about and between each other, like we used to when we started off as just good friends. Some advices are universal, whether you’re single or taken, and whether you’re Christian or an agnostic-atheist (guilty as charged). Thanks for writing this.