Lillian

I found this story in a folder containing old timeline posts from around 2015, when I was still homeless. I submitted it to Alastair Boone, the editor of Street Spirit, for consideration in the January issue. I hope you gain from these words.

To say that there are not criminals roaming the streets at all hours of the day and night would do a severe disservice to the truth. But to assume from that observation that every homeless person is a criminal seems a bit pejorative, if you ask me.

Of all the people whom I regularly see at events like the Sunday morning community breakfast, I’m trying to think of who do I know who has not been to jail. Well, let me see here — I haven’t been, and my best African American 50-something friend hasn’t been. That’s about all. Even my best female friend, whom I shall call Lillian, was recently in the Berkeley City Jail for four days.

Which is sick. The woman has had two serious strokes. As a result, she doesn’t speak normally. She has to speak at a louder volume than most, and it takes her a long time to find the words. During the period of time when she is looking to find words, her face makes unusual contortions. But I can guarantee you that her highly intelligent mind knows exactly what she is intending to say. Her neuro-physiological condition only makes her speaking very difficult and uncomfortable.

This woman has never used drugs other than marijuana, nor does she drink alcohol. People think she is “retarded” because of her stroke. I have even heard people say: “She needs to get off the meth.” I know this person, and others who know her will affirm that she has never used methamphetamine. I am one of the few people who has bothered to get to know her well enough to realize that not only is she not “retarded” — she is actually quite brilliant.

So she’s sleeping in a parking lot on Bancroft, near Peet’s Coffee and Tea, where she meets her Payee in the morning. Three Berkeley City Police cars pull up, tell her she is charged with Trespassing, and hand-cuff her. She tries to explain, in her odd way of forming words: “I was only trying to sleep.” She is then charged with Resisting Arrest.

Two days ago, she comes to my Spot to say she had been in jail for four days. She’s laughing, because she thinks it’s hilarious that someone like her would be sent to jail for something she does every single night; that is to say, sleep. She couldn’t wait to tell me, because, as she says: “I knew you would be sensitive enough to be outraged on my behalf; and insensitive enough to think it was hilarious.”

People who are “retarded” do not come up with such statements. But it’s not hilarious, really. These idiot cops couldn’t tell the difference between a 50-something woman with a serious physical disability, and an irresponsible crook or drug addict invading U.C. campus property. That is just plain sick.

What is the world coming to? It’s getting to where, if you see someone approaching in a wheelchair with a missing leg, you don’t think: “Oh, that’s awful. I wonder how he lost his leg?” You either think: “There’s another hustler, and what does he want from me?” Or else you think: “Look at that screwed up degenerate scum bag.” I swear to God, on a stack of Holy Bibles — this is not the America that I was brought up in.

I am not even asking America to open up her eyes to the plight of her own people. Her eyes are well wide open enough. I ask America to open up her heart – because I am old enough to remember when America was a compassionate nation.

That was the first working title of my book “This is not the country I grew up in”. I talked to my therapist about how hard it is to get over some of the comments and accusations and judgments thrown my way in particular, when I was living in a van with my son and bf. It’s pretty hard to fake living in a van, but that’s what we were accused of more than once. Faking it to get five bucks from a stranger? The likelihood of that being the case is so slim… She said something along the lines of maybe it was easier for him to believe that story than the truth, a young child was calling a van a home in the wealthiest nation on earth.

I think what your therapist said is probably spot on the mark, Melissa. It’s the same syndrome of denial that makes it easier for people to believe every homeless person is a criminal or a drug addict, when statistics in both cases easily refute those misconceptions. Many Americans would rather believe that someone is pulling off a scam in situations where the stark truth would have a shattering effect on the fantasy worlds they live in. The irony, for me, is that while this is indeed the “land of plenty,” and indeed the “land of opportunity,” it has degenerated into a condition where opportunity and plenty are restricted to a privileged few. No, this is not the country we grew up in. But we have the power to change that. We can — and we will – because we must.

Assumptions – we all make them and 99.9 per cent of the time we are dead wrong. This is a wonderful illustration of that. I hope Lillian is blessed with more compassionate, empathetic people like you. Thanks for this.