Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Amber decided that school was not for her. Fortunately, she had loving and supportive parents.

One day Amber was offered an exciting new job. To celebrate, she added an apostrophe to her name, thinking it would make her seem more sophisticated. Again, her parents were supportive.

Unfortunately, introducing herself as "Amber - the apostrophe is silent" did not yield the results Amber was hoping for. Still, she did make some new friends at work: Cassie the C...er...Cat, and "Long Lips" Lisa.

Of course, every job has its hazards:

Which Lisa and Cassie were always there to commiserate with:

Then one day, after an unfortunate misunderstanding between the girls and a city health inspector looking for "clogged plumbing", disaster:

Amber said goodbye to her newfound - albeit diseased - friends, and despaired over finding another job to suit her rather unique skill set and wardrobe. Fortunately, her ever-supportive parents were way ahead of her:

Although, as usual, I LOVE Jen's commentary, most of these cakes were obviously made just to send to cake wrecks. Right?? Please please please tell me I am right. Civilization cannot possibly have sunk to these levels. Right? Right?

It’s very simple. This site requires an NSFW labeling because, well, people are wondering why every morning about the same time I’m at my desk making choking noises while I try not to laugh out loud. And today’s post is no exception! Why…what? The little dancing romantic figures on the herpes cake? And…getting FIRED via cake? Isn’t that illegal? And…OMG, what ARE those bloated-Raviolio-looking THINGS on that last cake? Implants?!? No-no-no-no-nooooooo!

This is one of the most bizzare wreck pastiches you've come up with thus far, Jen. That is a compliment. A somewhat befuddled, stunned, I-can't-believe-I'm-seeing-what-I'm-seeing compliment, but a complement nevertheless.

Is that supposed to be *Hummus* on the chocolate pole-dancer cheesecake?

Gracious!Dad sent me a text message from my brother's senior trip in Florida:"You'll be proud of us. We had to do this stupid progressive dinner thing so the boys and I got a cookie cake and had them write 'It's a Gril'"Byos! (Boys!)

oh my. Any one of these individually would be wreck worthy, but the story tying them all together? Priceless. Not just a word journey, but a career wreck journey. Jen, I do believe you have outdone yourself. Hats off.

Are you kidding me?! I really shouldn't be in shock that they actually make cakes that say these things, but amazingly, I am! Only Jen could make something so astonishing into something truly hilarious! Great story, Jen! :)

Love the Disney themed herpes cake. I wonder if there's any connection? You know, Spring Break in FL, made a little side trip to Disney, got a little drunk on the Pirate's ride, woke up in "It's a Small World Hell" hungover and contaminated. It could happen.

I saw that Fudgie the Whale and immediately read its message in my mental voice of Tom Carvel. That's gonna be stuck in my head for a while now.

(For those of you not wanting to go look up old Carvel ads, Carl Kasell did a pretty decent imitation of Tom Carvel during the Not My Job segment of the April 11th episode of Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!. And it has William H. Macy, so you might find it really funny, like I did, or just be confused, like my husband was. He can't help it, he grew up in the land of Blue Bell ice cream. It's delicious, but there's no Cookie Puss.)

Oh my... cake and a visual social commentary at the same time... it's like the "this is your brain on drugs" commercials only in cake. By far the most disturbing are the lumps surrounding the pole dancer with coffee beans and parsley on them... please someone offer en explanation other than the very unpleasant one that I am imagining!

Really? Like, REALLY? I mean "cheers!" to embracing that long held belief that there's a cake for every occasion, but a brown whale bemoaning syphilis? Oysters on a cheesecake celebrating pole dancers? Wow. This takes it to a whole new level.

Anyway Jen, I'd like to send you a virtual sprinkle-laden cake celebrating this bizarre photo essay that says, "Great Job on the Porn Blog Post."

Absolutely hilarious! I am confused as to why the Syphillis cake has candles on it though, is it one candle for every diagnosis?As for which Disney Princess is on the Herpes cake...well, it's quite obvious she's from the new generation of princesses, that's Sleeping Around Beauty!

Fab post Jen! I especially loved the little warning at the top and how you turned seemingly no related cakes into a a little fractured fairy tale as it were.

WV = word verification, it's our chance to make up definitions for the odd word verifications that we receive in order to post our comments. Like mine is ationvo, but I don't have a witty definition for it.

Lol . . . people haven't been to many frat or sorority parties if they've never seen one of those "Sorry for the (insert venereal disease)" cakes. It's one of the most overdone jokes in certain college towns, yet it never seems to lose its charm. :)

Your story linking the cakes is priceless, and it almost has a child's bedtime story quality to it. :P

hello ....LOLZ !!!!!!it's so funny cause no ones prowed of there high school drop out ....and also why whold someone make the cinderella cake like that i mean really any ways this next thing i say is for any one who does not swear on blogger.......PLEASE COME TO MY BLOG !!!!!(cause if you do you'll be the first to coment!!) and also swaering is a big no no cause ... well it just is so yeah......so please come to my blog ...well if you what to .... ta-ta

The "word verification" is something that you have to enter to post a comment. Kind of like an automated Spam cop to keep out, er, automated Spam-bots.

They are never real words, though. They are combinations of letters that almost, but not quite, spell out real words.

Since many cakes featured on the blog are also "spelling challenged," a lot of cake wrecks fans use the word verification on their post to compose a bit of a "Devils Dictionary," to define the word, or use it in a sentence, usually involving a pun of some sort.

The syphilis cake is in the shape of a whale... who blows air! The herpes cake was hysterical as well, since it looked so beautiful but instead said "sorry about your herpes". I mean really, even if it's for a distasteful reason you can still have a beautiful cake!

I seriously need to know what those things on the last cake are. If I'm being honest, they look like nether regions because I have no idea what else they could be. I'm hoping they're something else though because I couldn't eat a cake with... well... you know. Boob cakes are bad enough.

Flunking unbelievable. There are parents who are actually proud that their child has dropped out of school? Yeah, way to not go, huh? They even capitalize the "dropout" as if it were a title or something... I give up!(BTW, shouldn't the word be two, as "drop-out"?) Ah, well...it hardly matters NOW, does it...=^ee^=Maybe the little darling can aspire to be the leader of an Underachievers Anonymous group.----------------------@Charlotte " ... that's Sleeping Around Beauty!"

I love the way you wove a story with seemingly non-related cakes, the cakes themselves are cracking me up and I'm thinking that maybe the pole dancer cake should have some more black lines because those..um...mounds...look like, well SOMETHING. I see I'm not the only one who's seeing that too!

I would LOVE to know the story behind these cakes. I'm sure (I hope) that most of them are inside jokes but I really hope someone will recognize them and supply the background. Well done, Jen!

Jen - your commentary is FABULOUS, as always! The cakes are even more disturbing than usual. And what is WITH the 'clams'? on the last cake? Is that symbolic? Or is she pole dancing on a deserted island? ::confused::

OMG...I think I wet myself laughing once I got over the initial shock of that one cake (with the coffee beans and all)... I had two thoughts after looking at it, neither of which were right for the kiddie set. (Like other commenters have suggested, rather inappropriate if that's what they are.) Your storytelling, though, was absolutely brilliant! Just goes to prove that even with cakes, some people have no class... and that's funny for those of us who have at least a little bit.

I don't understand the pole dancer cake. Those lumpy things look like oysters with raisins on top. And neither of those things is appropriate on top of a cake. Of course, neither are pole dancers, I suppose.

Maybe I'm being too serious, but the pole dancer cake is very well done - looks like a typical French-type cake if you just remove that pole dancer in the middle. Those 'oysters' are just cream or mousse meant to be shaped exactly like they look - quenelle. Don't you see ice-cream and mousse and stuff served like that at restaurants?? I guess not? Not everything that decorates a cake has to realistically represent something, you know. Oh yeah, the 'parsely' are sprigs of chervil. I admit they are related to parsely though.

You have a great blog...I enjoyed my visit. Stop by and visit me when you have some time and read about our latest Disney adventures....Grandparent trips are the BEST...and every comment enters you for the May giveaway.

Jen, Jen, Jen...this is the BEST!!!These cakes! The saga! A real tour de force, I must say.Venereal diseases, school drop-outs, job terminations, lousy punctuation, tastelessness, pornography, ugh-ly cakes--it's got it ALL!The best part?The quotation marks you put around the word "adult," right from the start ("ATTN PARENTS: This post contains material somewhat "adult" in nature.").I mean, if I were a child, I'd be thinking, "If all of this means 'adult,' then *shee-it*... I don't wanna grow up!"I can't WAIT to get my hands on your book!!Brava! >^~~^<

These were so so SO very funny. Totally made my night.Although, I have to wonder what the decorators thought of what people wanted written on the cakes. I mean, I know if someone called me up and told me to put some of those things in icing on a cake I'd be a little taken aback ...but maybe that's just me.

I don't think they were Photoshopped - but I think they were all made as jokes. Not specifically for Cake Wrecks but just to be funny. Especially the Herpes cake. Which I love. I want that to be the wedding cake, except there'll be decapitated clown heads in the corners.

I'm surprised no one said anything about the cracked, discolored icing on the "dropout" cake. Loved the storyline. These cakes reminded me of the customer on Mother's Day who wanted, "Thanks for getting knocked up" written on a cake. I tend to assume that most cakes like that are some sort of inside joke. I always wanted a Fudgie the Whale cake; it sounds good. And if I was fired via cake, I'd definitely take some cake with me when I left. At least they spelled "you're" correctly!

I think the female genitalia add penache and a hint of sophistication to the pole dancer cake, but then again, I recently suggested my DIY co-worker use mold-colored paint on the new bathroom she's building.

I don't think that the dropout cake is supposed to mean that they are proud s/he dropped out. I have seen people order cakes like this for when someone has gone back and finished their degree or done something else important. Such as Dave Thomas owning a franchise before he got his high school diploma. Kind of like "hey, you dropped out, but you still did something great".

They are "bearded" clams on the last cakes. I asked my employee what she saw on the last cake and she said "pole dancer, boobies, va jay-jays ohmigod!" Ah, good times.WV= whorkan alternate word for prostitution

Since the national average is that 1 in 5 people have Herpes, (Whether they know it or not, it can be asymptomatic so it gets transferred really easily. *Not kidding, look it up*), I think we need to start a competition for well done HSV cakes damnit!

Holy wow! I did the Amber' one very early in my short-lived career. Just so you know -- The apostrophe was REQUESTED and I confirmed three times the spelling of the name because I didn't believe it. I don't know whether to feel shamed or ecstatic that I've made it on CakeWrecks.

And having read all the comments, I can answer a few questions - The "good luck with your porn career" cake was chosen out of the case, and they asked me to inscribe it right there. It was not a joke, the customers' coworker was quitting to pursue a career in porn, under the name Amber'. And for those who think it was specifically for CakeWrecks, it was purchased almost three years ago, and by far the strangest thing I've ever written on a non-joke cake!

The pun is on the word "apostrophe." An apostrophe is the punctuation symbol which looks just so ' . But in all the richness of the English language, an apostrophe is also when a person speaks to something that cannot respond, such as a pet, a tree, a flower, the snow.

Much poetry uses the device of apostrophe. Anytime a non-human, non-verbal entity is addressed, you may call that address an apostrophe.

The only truly horrifying thing about all this is that Western civilization has declined so far that I couldn't immediately rule out the entire chain of events as a story made up just to link several poorly thought out cakes!

It is what it is. My mother always told me she and my dad be PROUD of me no matter WHAT I did. Her only request was simply that I be the best (insert occupation here) that I could be. So I can totally see my Mom & Dad giving me a "Congrats on your porn career" cake, or "we're proud of our high school dropout" - as long as I was being the BEST high school dropout syphilitic porn star with herpes that I could be.

THIS is what we get for being told to be certain that our children ALWAYS feel good about themselves. Sometimes, you SHOULD feel bad. VERY bad.

yes 'anonymous' these are true. i am a victim of bakery mistakes. i ordered a simple happy birthday cake for one of my daughters. everthing was good except the inscription. the only writing on the cake was the stock order # dc-204 & that was it.

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