It Ain’t Gay If It’s a Three Way by Sovereign

I get asked about my sexuality a lot. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes the answer is serious, sometimes the answer is simply to annoy the querent. People are quite obsessed with my sexual preferences these days. I always sense that the real question they’re asking is, “What is your relationship to penises? Penises kind of define you, so I need to know.”

I have sex with men and women, I do scenes with men and women, but then I say that I’m a lesbian.

The question is really just a prelude, an opening gambit, so that they may tell me what my sexual preference is. That I’m bisexual, or straight, or gay for pay, or whatever else.

The real answer is: I don’t care.

But let me point some shit out to you…

1. You can’t say, “You’re gay because you say or do x,y and z.” (Well you can say it, but it isn’t true.) The reality is, you’re not in the position to give or take away someone else’s sexuality. You’re not that powerful, though you may want to be. A person’s sexuality is determined in their own mind and can shift from moment to moment.

2. The only thing you can really say is, “If I said or did x,y, and z, I wouldn’t consider myself gay because I’ve decided to confine my sexuality in specific ways.” Now that would be honest.

3. Asking someone about their sexual preferences is actually about you, not the other person, what you’re really asking them is “How do I relate to you because I only know how to relate to people based on my sexual relationship to them.”

Kind of makes you sound like a dick.

And that’s what I think you are when you ask me this question, or makes statements like “Oh, so you’re bisexual.”

No. That’s not what I said. That’s what you said. Why are you even bothering to talk to me at all if you only want to hear something that is going to reaffirm what you’ve already decided?

Why not grow a fucking backbone and own your own asshole behavior and continue shoving people into your neat little boxes without apology or posturing?

That I could actually kind of respect. I’ve always been the girl who wanted to fuck the villain of the film.

So really, and I mean this in the politest way possible my questioning friend; why don’t you go fuck yourself?

9 Comments on It Ain’t Gay If It’s a Three Way by Sovereign

Sovereign, well said! A friend and I were having this exact conversation the other day. I’m just a woman who happens to like other women and men, and my friend feels the same way too. I don’t feel like a lesbian, bi or straight, I’m just me. I feel more base people have to put labels on everyone, people operating on a deeper level don’t need labels. To us sexuality is fluid.

Are you familiar with the queer community? I identify as queer and it’s basically an umbrella term for everyone who is not hetrosexual and/or cis gendered. Sexuality and gender is fluid and can “shift from moment to moment” so putting in black and white seems so futile. I currently identify as a queer cis female with a pansexual sexual orientation but my romantic orientation is lesbian because I only get butterflies in my stomach for female identified persons.

Your number 3 point is so true. I agreed completely.

I found you today via tumblr BTW and I find youn to be talented, smart, beautiful, interesting and I appreciate you.

“a person’s sexuality is determined in their own mind” –Yes , wholeheartedly agree. But people can’t ask about other people’s sexuality? I don’t agree that asking is all about the asker’s projections and issues with their own sexuality. OF course , there will always be insecure people who are afraid of people not “just like them” Still, there are other reasons to ask…..I recently asked Aaliyah and you on twitter “how you would describe you” —here’s where I am coming from: I identify as lesbian and I am thrilled with the changes in porn regarding girl/girl scenes and some of the straight porn as well—I do think porn is effecting sexual behavior in the culture. This generation of girls coming into porn having grown up with easy access to porn on the internet and they have likely watched girl/girl scenes as well. It’s the power of the image to give permission to behavior that you have the potential for but have been conditioned to not consider or want. So , the sex-positive, authentic, experimental, shameless feel of some of the girl/girl scenes results from the porn that was available before as well as the gay rights movement in the culture giving permission, in my opinion ……

I’ve read quite a few gg performers say they don’t have the guts in real life to approach women (we have a long way to go towards sexual freedom) but porn gives them opportunities to be with women with less risk of rejection, STD, committing to an identity, etc. Why I think of porn as a human laboratory (yes it is primarily a business) is that it is a very unique set up of a pool of sexually interested STD tested people who can have sex more freely together–in and out of scenes—somewhat observable by anyone who can go on the internet—-that’s a lot of people watching. You guys are living a fantasy. Thus the curiosity about you porn stars. You are interesting to me because you use feminist language at times, have said you identified as queer and are sympathetic to gay rights. The label bisexual is in flux, always, because it is so inadequate a word….it describes nothing of preference or emotional, romantic drives towards one sex or the other. I get why people don’t like the label. Women in porn are becoming role models of sexual behavior, thus the curiosity abounds……. (I tweet as Belladharma)

What’s rude is when someone says, I don’t want to share that with you, and then you continue to ask. There is a difference. I used to share my personal relationship status on twitter, but now I have decided there are things I would rather keep to myself, for me and my loved ones alone.

Sovereign, I’m reading your comments here for the first time and I realize that you posted this around the same time I tweeted you and asked about your sexuality and the sexual videos that you have performed in recently. I have to say that I’m quite surprised by your anger and intensity with my questioning about your sexuality and my comments. Some of my other favorite female performers are comfortable with speaking very openly about their preferences and how they personally identify. But not you for some reason… I asked questions not because I wanted to put you in some box or stereotype but because I wanted to know more about you and how you see yourself. I’m obviously a fan but I have to say that I have been put off by your reaction and comments. I expected you to be more gracious and intelligent since we see this issue of sex and sexuality differently. If I don’t apologize to you then I’m being an asshole and disrespectful. Maybe you have surrounded yourself with people who are uncomfortable telling you the truth because they are so in awe of your beauty and talent that they are expected to treat your like some prima donna and not like the rest of us who live in reality. I will not apologize for my questions or comments. We both have the right to our opinions and views. Now more about me – I am a recovering sex addict. My spiritual program is not perfect but I do try to practice rigorous honesty in all aspects of my life. I am a lesbian so “with my head and my body” I have sex with women and not men. I am not bisexual. And these days i’m the only one that does fuck me is myself and I enjoy it that way. At least for now. And during these recent years of sobriety I have learned much about myself. I am an Aries woman with a red/blue personality and I’m an Enneagram type 1, so I’m very open, direct and honest. I respect others that respond to me in this way. P.S. I don’t have a relationship with penises but apparently you do.

I wasn’t talking about you in particular. I was talking about people in general. And you bet your ass I’m angry. Your post is full of a lot of passive aggression for a woman who is open, direct, and honest. I’m not worried about earning your respect. I don’t need it. You clearly didn’t respect me when you asked repeatedly on twitter for me to define myself by your terms and then proceeded to try to tell me what I was. I’m done carrying on with you in this way.

Sovereign, Thank you for posting my comment to you! It’s difficult to have a meaningful discussion on twitter and be fully understood. This sexual issue it better discussed face to face because it’s too easy to be misunderstood! So I will end by saying again – we agree to disagree, because we are not on the same page with this issue. We see things very differently and are at different levels of emotional honesty/awareness. My sexuality is not some fantasy in my head but an expression of myself emotionally, intellectually and most importantly spiritually. My sexuality is the most spiritually intimate part of me that I share with another woman. With some of the details I have shared with you above it’s clear that I have had a wounded past to face and recover from. Because of this I have a unique and very special opportunity to discuss with others sexuality and most importantly healthy sexuality, in an open, honest and loving environment. It’s very interesting that you find my honesty passive-aggressive? So if I don’t agree with you, I must apologize or edit my comments. I don’t speak my truth to insult or offend anyone – I believe that it is the truth that sets me free. I don’t expect you to respond to this message, but I do want to wish you all the best with your career and most importantly your personal life. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to learn more about you! )