The term "Super Fan" is putting it mildly. There is not a SINGLE episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette that I have NOT seen.

Monday, February 8, 2016

It's like a bar in Dallas: Full of Pigs.

Straight up, this post is dedicated to Katie McClellan. Allow me to remark that Katie wasn't even at Miami for my first semester of college (she was gone filming a movie. Seriously so legit you don't even know) but my mentor Tim basically told me, "This girl is God. She is everything. We worship her."

Tim was right. If e'er there was a worthy idol, it is found in K. McClellan. She's a phenomenal actress, FIRST OF ALL. I asked if I could stage manage a studio show my freshman year so I could watch her work. (Nobody worry: I am 100% aware of sounding like a NUT JOB, but in case you haven't noticed: I'm REAL GOOD at choosing idols and then unapologetically sitting at their feet until they accept me) But not only is Katie brilliant onstage, she's brilliant in life: one night after rehearsal for that show, she just TOOK ME TO WHIP N DIP TO GET ICE CREAM AND TALK TO ME ABOUT LIFE. (Reminder: she was a senior. I was a freshman. I DIDN'T EVEN DESERVE TO LOOK HER IN THE EYE.) Per usual, I could seriously go on for ten more episodes about this girl (including a live after show) But THE POINT IS Katie is just the greatest thing there ever was, AND she's in a movie on the Hallmark Channel and I haven't even had a chance to watch it yet but I'm just so excited about it that I had to talk about it. It's called The Ultimate Legacy and she's LITERALLY (so. literally) a star of the stage and screen:

EXCUSE ME SINGLE TITLE CARD, NO BIG DEAL

I did and still do listen to every word that my mentor Tim tells me. Very little has changed since college. And to give you an illustration of things, just the other day, this was our conversation:

Ok so we open back up with the BIG CLIFF HANGER: IS OLIVIA GONNA GET A ROSE (of course she's getting a rose, I'm not even dignifying that "question" with a question mark)

Womp womp, Jennifer goes home, Jennifer’s biggest fear in this show was leaving without Ben
knowing who she was… And he didn’t… Because she NEVER. SPOKE. Except for that first night, and it was her chest doing most of the talking. I'm sure she's a great girl, but why didn't she try and sneak into his bungalow once or twice, huh?

My roommate Adrienne and I were getting VERY tired of Emily and I relayed the sentiments that had been so acutely conveyed to me about Emily by my friend Christian: “Emily has that one half of her hair constantly pulled back and half of the costume jewelry section of Walgreens poked through her ear on that side.”

This one's for you, Christian.

Blah blah blah, the Bahamas... ok here’s the thing about “romantic destinations:” call me an irretrievably hopeless romantic, but… isn’t it not supposed to matter where you are? I understand that candles and oceans make things romantic, but give me the Kacie B that just wants to be at the grocery store with Ben Flajnik…

After Chris Harrison’s opening spiel, I threw up my hands and said “YAAAAAS TWO ON ONE, YAAAAS!” Adrienne asked what was going on. (God bless Adrienne, she hasn’t been watching for too long) and I only replied: “Two women. One rose. One stays. One goes.”

One on One date: Caila

Shoutout to the rando PA that was on the bow of the boat as they were pulling out of the harbor. Hope he got that hoodie over his head.

We haven’t even seen a single actual second of this date, we’ve only seen Leah crying about it. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be crying too, but it also does VERY little to back up the sentiment that Ben was inviting Caila on the date because he “needed more time” and “had unfinished business.”

Ben's not here to make friends.

Ben wants to get to know Caila. So he asks her, “So like, hard times, right? Do you
feel like you’d smile through it, or you’d actually feel it?”

Ten points for Gryffindor and ten points for CANDOR!

Ugh. This is excruciating. It's like watching a simultaneous aggressive half-proposal and breakup. He went to Jared's, and she's not ready to love again.

Group Date: Hog Wild

Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, Lauren H, & JoJo

Welp… Lauren B is REALLY excited about feeding some ocean
pigs.

They feed the pigs and squeal a LOT, and then they try and disperse to have one on one time, but it's kind of hard when you're... literally surrounded by pigs. And we all know that if you're stranded on a desert island, you at least need some rum, and there seemed to be NONE of that...

Ten points for JoJo, on this date. I adore the way that she handles
herself. Leah, on the other hand…. She's spiraling out of control quickly... Meanwhile Ben seems genuinely shocked that no one thinks swimming with feral pigs is romantic...

I think the group date was awkward because a) all the
girls on this date are actual friends, and they don’t want to start macking on
him in front of their friends and b) well… it’s not like there were many places
to sneak off to, on that island of… trees and pigs.... (and really bad eggs, DRINK UP, ME HEARTIES, YO HO!)

I like Becca Tilley more after her honest conversation with Ben than I have
in an entire one and a half seasons. Ten more points for Candor.

Ok, is it just me, or are Leah’s eyebrows SUPA dark and SUPA
defined? Allison Norris, can you help me out, here? Am I wrong?

Other note: Laruen B’s eyelashes… Too much. They’re too
much right now. I don't know if her tears make the adhesive react like gorilla glue and swell to ten times the normal size, but SOMETHING is going on and it's a mess.

Quick detour: Someone is stroking Emily’s arm, as she lays in bed and
whines about how great Lauren B is… Update: It’s Amanda. And what’s even
weirder is that I have the notion that Emily is still a 13 year old, and did what 13 year olds do: stuck out
her arm and said to Amanda, “Oh I like, LOVE it when someone is stroking my arm. It helps
me fall asleep. Will you do that?”

If you DON’T know what I’m talking about, you’ve never
been to camp, or to a girls’ school. Or met Ethan Kasnett.

The problem with Leah is that she decided to get on the
Lauren B Train to SabotageTown, and now there’s no turning back. She could have SO easily gone
to Ben’s room and talked about… her job, about game night, about WHATEVER... but
she spoke about Lauren B.

Aaaaand here’s how Leah’s time with Ben went:

BUH-BYE!!

Two on One: Emily & Olivia

I’m so torn about the two on one. Both girls are on my team! I NEED THEM BOTH TO STAY!

So great that Olivia talked about how young she thinks Emily is… They are both 23. TWENTY THREE!

My sentiments exactly, Buster.

OLIVIA IS 100% NOT LIVING ON PLANET EARTH AND I AM SHAMELESSLY LOVING EVERY SECOND OF HER DELUSION.

Clearly this little island doesn't have cell reception, otherwise Emily would have Haley on speakerphone so she could whine about Olivia...

As young as she is, Olivia HAS caught onto the fact that you don’t get the guy by talking smack about the other girls. I think she’s absolutely delusional, but I DO still think she’s getting a terrible edit. And this dramatic drone shot around her as she's LITERALLY stranded on a desert island is SO MUCH.

And as young as she is, Emily has caught onto the fact that if a man is forced to choose between two mediocre women, neither of whom he is going to marry, you should use your... assets.