Tag: noomi rapace

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You ever sit around and just think about how the Emperor might well have no clothes? I did yesterday after I actually saw much-hyped alien horror flic Prometheus. Let me tell you something straight-up: the Emperor has NO @#$% CLOTHES!

Here’s what online aggregate-smart-machine Rottentomatoes had to say about Prometheus by way of critical consensus:

“Ridley Scott’s ambitious quasi-prequel to Alien may not answer all of its big questions, but it’s redeemed by its haunting visual grandeur and compelling performances — particularly Michael Fassbender as a fastidious android.”

May not answer ALL of it big questions? Alien, whaaaaaaaaaat? Alien, pleeeease! Not only weren’t there any answers, there weren’t any big questions either! The Emperor has no clothes! What the hell is wrong with you people?

Prometheus Reviewed, Charlize Theron’s Butt

How to put this… wait, I’ve got it: Prometheus is one of the stupidest, most overhyped, most boring pieces of crap ever to disgrace the silver screen. People who should be turned to alien slime puddles, though not necessarily in this order, include:

The film editor: Prometheus features some of the clumsiest single cuts ever seen in a non-amateur work. Also, the editor decided to yada yada Charlize Theron’s blonde-on-black sex scene with the ship’s captain.

The casting director: What was it, special discount day at the racial-ethnic potpourri Walmart? White, Asian, Black, Blonde, Irish Stepchild, Southern, Swedish, and more. Dude, this is an alien pic, not a @#$!ing Beneton commercial. You’re a moron.

The script writers: The script is wooden, nonsensical. “Faith” pops up now and again but feels like a last-minute addition, and not the central issue the writers intended, or should have intended, it to be. Oh, and if Charlize Theron angrily says “Jesus!” or “OMG!” just one more damn time, I’m gonna hurl green slime.

Noomi Rapace and Logan Marshall-Green: If there were any less sexual chemistry between these two, they’d be brother and sister. Well, that holds true so long as they don’t live in the Deep South.

Ridley Scott: The buck stops here. Sir Ridley, you’ve made a festering alien turd of a movie, dressed up in $130 million bucks of special effects and marketing hype. If you’re the Emperor, you most certainly are buck naked as the day you were born. Shrinkage!

Everyone else involved in the making of the film: You should all be ashamed. Go back to your home planet: Stupid Hyped Crappia.

Don’t see Prometheus. Just don’t. Not even on DVD. It’ll be two hours you can never get back from the vacuum of space, much as you’d like to. If you want good alien horror, you’d be better off painting yourself green, drinking a pint of turpentine, and swallowing a lit match before running around the neighborhood (naturally, I’m describing my Saturday nights). Shame on you, Ridley Scott, and shame on the film critics of the world for not seeing through this thin, under-realized pile of alien feces. Shame on you for taking the fees.

The Emperor has no clothes! Hell… you know what? It’s worse than that. The clothes have no Emperor. Hot damn!

Did you see Prometheus? Share your thoughts in the comments section. Also, be sure to take the Charlize Theron Butt Poll 2.

In case you’ve been living in an outer-space cave for the last few weeks, here’s what this month’s sort-of-Alien-prequel, $130 million dollar blockbuster is about:

Charlize Theron, wearing a grey, overly manly Star Trek getup, plays the badass Corporate Leader of the space-exploration vessel Prometheus, emotes The Matrix’s Morpheus in her smugness, and says crap to her crew like: “My job is to make sure you do yours.”

Anyway, between harsh quips from hottie Theron and mounting sexual tension between laconic android-thing Michael Fassbender (the creepiest looking pederast-candidate in Hollywood) and female crewmate Noomi Rapace (Sweden’s Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) – prompting audiences to wonder about android genital design – Prometheus makes its inevitable way toward some planet where the slimy origins of humanity are thought to be hanging out, shooting the slime, so to speak.

It’s no surprise, of course, when the expedition goes horribly, slimily wrong. The only thing no one can explain to me though is why, when the Prometheus exploratory crew sees a weird cobra like creature slithering out of a slimy tree trunk thing, one of them decides it’s time to try and make friends with the local slime-life.

Promethean 1: “Look, it’s an adorable cobra slime-thing. It’s so cute how it’s hissing at me and bobbing its head menacingly.”

Promethean 2: “Um. Dude, party foul. Now humanity is doomed to destruction. Total party foul. Um.”

You’ll never guess what happens next! The so clever Prometheus crew brings the slime monsters on board their floating space-home to see if they’ll make decent roommates. General disagreement ensues about what constitutes good roomie behavior. The humans, you see, feel that it’s rude of the slime monsters to invade a human body cavity and then rupture it from the inside like a bloody piñata. The slime monsters, for their part, politely insist that turning humans into exploding blood bombs of screaming misery is perfectly okay, kind of akin to borrowing a glass and milk from the communal space-fridge now and then. We can only hope they all find a way to make friends by the end of the pic, you know? It’s all about good-roomie communication!

Despite the fact that we’ve seen this exact space/horror thing a thousand times before, I’ve read that Prometheus serves up on a slimy platter a few surprises, such as the scene in which a woman performs a damn C-section on herself inside some kind of plastic auto-surgery tube. The surgery wound is closed up with big-ass metal staples and the slime-monster baby is gripped tight in a vise. Aww…how cute is that?

“It’s not exactly a traditional fetus,” says humanoid robot-thing Michael Fassbender (he’s chosen “Lawrence of Arabia”’s Peter O’Toole as his role model – for real). That is so funny! LOL! ROTFLMVAO! (Roll On The Floor Laugh My Vomiting Ass OFF!)

So yeah, I can’t wait to see this adorable sendup of MTV’s the Real World. It’s like the Real World, but in outer space. It’s The Real World, Aliens and Their Dumb Human Food.

LOL! ROTFLMVAO!

Well, amigos, that’s it for this week. I’ll write another bit when I’ve seen Prometheus. Hmmm… why do I feel like I already have? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to down a couple Mint Juleps with my new, friendly, slime-monster neighbors. That shouldn’t be problem, right? I mean, how bad can it be to become an exploding blood bomb of human misery? Hey, you’ve gotta make nice with the neighbors, you know!