Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Minding One's Peens and Q's

The girl-child has impeccable manners. She's all please and thank you and may I and I'm sorry and oh, excuse me and it's entirely disarming. She can be in the middle of a nuclear-scale tantrum and she'll still stop to say excuse me and wait for you to step aside before she stomps past you shouting THANK YOU. It's kind of awesome.

She's also generous with the compliments. We think that it's something that they've been teaching at her preschool, because although my husband and I are unfailingly polite, we tend not to walk around praising each other's clothing choices and hair-brushing techniques. Emilia, on the other hand, is all about praising the finer details of the appearance and comportment of others: nice buttons on your shirt, Mommy! she'll say. And, I like your hair today, Daddy! Did you brush it? Or, are those new shoes, Mommy? I like the laces! (said of laceless Converse sneakers.)

And then, the other day, this:

(bursting into the bathroom and confronting her very surprised father, in flagrante urinato)

NICE PENIS, DADDY!

Which, you know, was kind of funny, but only in that embarrassing,not-for-sharing-at-dinnerkinda way, like that time last year when she shouted, from the backseat of the car, excuse ME, mother-f***er! and we both looked at each in horror before exclaiming to each other she didn't get that from ME and then laughing, uncomfortably, out loud. That kind of funny.

The thing is, on the very rare occasion - very rare - that she says something that is obviously inappropriate - like, say, mother-f***er - we can console ourselves with the facts that a) she didn't get it from us (we save all of our cursing for after hours and, in any case, never refer to ourselves or anyone else as mother-f***ers) and b) it's easy to explain to her that some words simply aren't polite. But how do we respond to complimentary commentary on genitalia? I mean, she was trying to pay a compliment. She wanted to say something nice, and the obvious thing, when the person to whom one wants to say something nice has directed their attention to a specific part of themselves, is to direct one's compliment to that specific part. That's just basic etiquette.

But Emily Post didn't provide direction on how to compliment penises for a very good reason: one simply shouldn't go around complimenting penises in any circumstances other than those engaged in, in private, by consenting adults. Which is not something that we're not yet talking about with the girl, who is, after all, just two days shy of three years old and so some twenty-odd years off from dating. So how do we explain to her that although it is nice to say nice things to other people, there are just some things that we don't draw attention to? We do not, after all, want to suggest to her that there is anything shameful about the parts that she is complimenting; we do not want to suggest that those parts are anything other than 'nice'. And isn't there something potentially confusing and problematic about telling her that we simply shouldn't talk about those parts?

Obviously, the fast answer is lock the bathroom door. But that doesn't resolve the bigger issue: we're fairly modest people, inasmuch as we tend not to wander around naked, but we don't make a fuss about concealing ourselves from each other, because, again, we don't want to send the message that there's something shameful about bodies. We have talks about privacy, but we're not fascists about it. So, you know, occasionally there's going to be a glimpse of a penis or a boob and if the girl decides that those things are deserving of compliments, well, how are we to respond? Should we respond, in any manner other than simply saying thank you and moving on?

Because, you know, I don't get compliments on my boobs all that often, and so I'm kind of inclined to take them where I can get them.

91 Comments:

I'm with Anonymous. "Thanks. Now please give Daddy his bathroom privacy." should work. There's no way to explain to a 3 year old the nuances involved here. I'm hoping this isn't a compliment she's going to have occasion for outside the house...?

This post made me laugh. I am trying my best to figure out what I would tell my boys if they did this but I can't think of anything. I do believe that annonymous is correct. Say thanks and lock the door.

Now that I think about it, tho'... she has seen penii at the home of friends, when she's bathed with her (male) BFF. Although on that occasion she said HEY HE HAS A REALLY SMALL PENIS. Which, you know, I hope he forgets he ever heard.

I'm with the others here. At 3, I'm not sure you can do much more than say thanks, lock the door and not make a fuss over it. With my 3-yr-old, the less attention I call to an undesired behavior, the less he does it.

As she better understands privacy and modesty, she'll learn that she has to keep her thoughts about penii to herself.

This reminds me of my current dilemma with the boy smacking my ass whenever he wanders in on me getting dressed. It's very affectionate and all, but still.

Maybe nothing needs to be said at all. I'm sure your hubby was shocked, but when, really, is she going to see another 'peen'? And if she does, hopefully someone will hear her compliment and immediately realize they forgot to lock the door.

eek ... I have SO been faced with these situations before. I think I'm more with the school of thought that you just say thanks and be more mindful of the door in the future. She's pretty young for the what's appropriate and not appropriate talk right now.

I have to say that I`d just leave it alone. After all, we can hope that she`s not going to have much call for complimenting genitalia outside of accidentally seeing her dad. And besides, I`m sure some guy will be appreciative that you didn`t squelch her complimentary nature . . . way, way, way in the future. ;)

Plus, as you said, a mom can`t turn down a boob compliment. :)

This reminds me of my oldest son who is nearly three as well. He does the same shouted "THANK YOU!" when he`s mad. It`s hilarious. He also frequently compliments me on my bra choices, which would be totally inappropriate if he were much older, but at this age, what can you do?

She may have the male appendage on her mind a bit because of baby brother -- he has one, she doesn't. So, now she knows Daddy has one. The interest may or may not go away -- in the interim, I would probably lock the door. She's still young enough that most people will be tolerant.I'm struggling with the next stage of the issue. How do you explain to a five year old that compliments and comments on body shape, colour and and differences are perilous, because it is so easy to say the wrong thing. Without quenching her innocence.

I don't think you guys need to do anything different. Emelia will learn the nuances eventually. At least she was complimenting your hubby. My 3 year old son was in the shower with me the other day and he poked my stomach and said "Mommy your tummy is all jiggly, why is your tummy all jiggly???". UGH

I wouldn't say anything. She'll figure out that that's not something you generally tell people outside of the bedroom as she gets older and no need to discourage this otherwise very positive character trait. :) But yeah, closing the door to the bathroom might be an option. We're working on that one in our house, too.

I have a friend whose daughter went through this at about the same age. We live in a very open otwn where it's not that unusual for toddler penii to be exposed (my pants-averse son included). Little A would approach a baby and say "I really like your eyes. I really like your arms. I really like your......all the way to I really like your penis." humiliating her mother all the way. My daughter, who is 4, also notices these things and asks all sorts of uncomfortable questions (such as "Mommy, what's my vagina for?" answer "that's how babies come out of mommy bellies.") The other day we were at Target, in the handicapped stall - so we can fit two kids and a stroller - she went, then I went. As I was puling up my pants, she said, LOUDLY, "Mommy, your bum is more hairier than mine. Why?"Nice.

It was just yesterday I was writing about the same thing in someone's comment section, and how the 2 yr old princess is always so interested in watching Daddy "make bubbles" in the potty and how well he has adapted & improved with his aim. ;) Most recently I have been on a manners mission and thought if I start it from the beginning when I am teaching her to talk, she would have no other choice but to have them permanently ingrained in her speech. The Ped thought is was hilarious the other day at a snot & sniffle visit when she asked Pink if she could look in her mouth and the snotty well mannered child cried "No thank you!" over & over again! I have to admit I WAS proud!

PS - For what it's worth I personally think you've got a great rack! ;)

I'd take the compliment and run. Especially if they were about boobs, because I have none.

We've had a few of those comments but they've tended to stay in the house (ie. son: wow, Daddy's is SOOOO much bigger ... gotta love that!). We haven't addressed each and every instance directly, it sort of went away with the boy... and the girl, not a big deal.

Too much! A few years ago our oldest son happened in on my poor husband who had just gotten out of bed and was, well... tumescent. Husband was mortified. Son was impressed, and said so. "Whoa-hoa, Dad! Nice one!" he exclaimed. We just kind of let it slide, and it seems that he's figured out the subtleties of complimenting genitalia now. We hope.

I'm wiping tears from my eyes - at least your daughter said it to your husband. My darling son asked my mother about "pop, sleeping naked". She just calmly said yes. So then he asked (and I quote), "So, do you touch his pee pee?". Her jaw hit the floor and then she started laughing. I just tried to calmly say that was a rude question and on we went. Gotta love 4 year olds!

I think I may have a suggestion. I personally believe that those basic social compliments should be directed at something somebody has chosen or picked. So...a haircut, buttons on a shirt, shoelaces, new glasses, etc. are all things which, when complimented, really refer back to the wearer's sense of style or grace or whatever. Giving someone a compliment on things they have no real choice on ("nice legs," "pretty nose," "great boobs" and etc.) is moving away from complimenting the other person to making a statement of enjoyment/preference. Hm...am I making any sense? There are times when you gaze into a loved one's eyes and tell her how gorgeous those eyes are, or hell, even times when you might point out this beauty to a friend or even stranger. (Although I find it really weird and a bit uncomfortable if a stranger compliments my height...um, thanks?) In any case, that is a different sort of compliment. I think they type of compliments Emilia is trying on can easily be directed away from all body parts, whether they are intimate or not. And now that I think about it, while penii and vaginas and boobs are clearly private, other people might feel uncomfortable about things like legs or noses or what have you. Meh, now I'm just rambling so I'll sign off.

My son has paid similar compliments to my husband. And you know, nothing makes a man feel like more of a man than getting compliments on his dick from his three-year-old son.

Even more horrifying: there was a time--don't even ask me how this got started--when my daughter referred to her vagina as her cooter. Luckily, that era came to an end.

Anyway, maybe you can try explaining that some parts are private, blah-blah-blah, and that these parts should not, therefore, be pointed to and talked about. Or you can take our route and simply leave the room and laugh your ass off.

I guess I'd say something about privacy.. Not over the top, but just enough to make her understand that private parts are just that. My kids are very comfortable with their bodies, but know they shouldn't walk around Target without any pants on. Well, my son might...but, that's another story.

ROFL!That is fabulous. I don't think that anything really needs to be said about it. Peanut went through a "reach into mom's shirt and grab her breast" phase (still does occasionally), but she only does it when we're talking before bed. I do think that she might continue to praise his penis in the bathroom, but if you don't make a big deal out of it, it's unlikely that she'll do it elsewhere. She may praise another penis if she sees it, but I don't think a fellow toddler will mind. But then again, I'm partial to precocious children so... maybe I'm not the best person to ask. I think it's adorable.

The great thing is going to be when they're teens and she tells the love of Jasper's adolescent life about his tiny penis.

It's definitely a problem. You don't want to make things seem "dirty" but at the same time you can't have them telling the cashier at the supermarket about Daddy's nice penis. I'd pretty much ignore it, but try to bring up, perhaps at another time so she doesn't sense a reprimand, the facts about some things are very private. She should be getting the talk about not letting strangers touch her anyway, maybe you can work it in?

My grandson at age two announced to my next door neighbor that his uncle had a "GIGANTIC weenie". Huh.

LOL HBM!! That is too funny, and I don't know what I would/will do in this situation, but sounds as if you have some great suggestions... wow, what a way to end my work day :) thanks! have a great night!!

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I tend to agree with the others on that she won't have much of a chance to see other penises. However, if you are worried that she might tell someone in preschool that her daddy has a bigger penis I would think that because she has a baby brother and knows that her dad is also a boy but bigger that no one would really think much of it. At least she isn't grabbing people's penises and proclaiming that they have "peanuts"

I have no idea what I'd say. I guess thank you and let it go. If you don't make it a big deal, she won't either...or some kind of psycho-babble like that. Personally, I would have a hard time not rolling on the ground laughing. My little one asked the other day why her brothers wenis (haven't bothered to correct her, since it's kinda cute) is so teeny compared to daddy's. Couldn't stop laughing. She got tired of me eventually and mover on.

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. All the way down to "two days shy of three years old and twenty-odd years off from dating." I'm dying over here. I'm just going to go ahead and compliment your boobs now on account of the fact that they've helped you raise at least one AWESOME child.

That's quite a dilemma! I think I'd have a hard time ignoring it completely... maybe if it came up again I'd try to say something about privacy, but no idea what. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to start explaining to my son that sometimes people want privacy in the bathroom. We're pretty open-door around here, and the wee boy has taken a real fancy to watching his daddy go pee, so the topic's going to come up pretty soon. Another joy of parenthood!

That is just hilarios. Great manners, I would just say thanks and no more, though I would be in stiches laughing. It reminds me of my daughter when she was that age(now 11) watching her Dad pee and telling him " you have a big nose Daddy(which he does).... and a big willy too" It still makes us laugh today.

No real advice, but I do need to tell you about the day that my then 4-year-old saw me just out of the shower. He took one look at my um, midsection, and said, "Nice fuzzies, Mommy!" I almost passed out from shock and the effort to not laugh. I don't remember what I said to him at that point!

Too funny. I think my husband would have probably said something totally inappropriate like, "I wish mommy thought so". She's still young, no big explanation needed, IMO. There'll be plenty of time for you to explain what's appropriate when she and her brother get older. Trust me, we get a lot of penis & vagina talk around here with a 7 yr old boy & 4 yr old girl.

yup. Don't make a fuss. And enjoy the innocence of it all. Because before you know it (I know it doesn't seem soon now, but it will be the fastest-passing decade of your life so far) she will be shouting DAD!! YOU. ARE. DISGUSTING. A passing glimpse between now and then will do no permanent harm. Making a fuss might.

I'd like to know what makes a "nice" penis. One that puts the toilet seat down after the peeing? One that is not too hot, too cold, too big or too pencil-shaped? I am personally not a fan of the pencil penis.

I got a nice compliment on my boobs and after that decided to be a bit more careful about who was in the room when I was dressing. I figure that they need to learn about privacy as well as the human body so I did not freak out about the boob compliment but I took it as a sign that maybe enforcing my privacy would be a good thing.

While I think a simple thank you is fine for now, I'd also start discussions on how those parts are private, and eventually on how we don't talk about private things in front of everyone, we talk about them in private. Which is also my party line on the touching of said private parts.

dude. that is FUNNY.I would say that it is not polite to comment on private parts, that they are private and personal and not everyone like to talk about them.we are pretty open with bodies here..I pee w/ the door open regularly..I have been known to turn my back to change my clothes w/ the kids in the room...they are getting older so I will need to change that I am sure..I say that as long as she knows what it appropriate socially, you are good.On the bright side, you will have some funny embarrassing stories to tell about her when she is a teenager!

Kids are the best. My 2 year old just points and laughs at my boobs - he thinks they are the funniest things!My approach to penis/vagina/nether region comments/compliments is to take them with a grain of salt -- if you're too serious kids may take it the wrong way and have mixed feelings about their bodies,etc.

Wow, not a problem I'm all that familiar with. What a sweet little girl! Yeah, probably just a "thank you" is the best way to go about it. Best not to overcomplicate something she likely didn't think twice about.

I think a simple "A person's body belongs to them, and it's private, so it's not polite to talk about someone's body."

This can go for anything that is hidden by clothing, and may also come in handy when you're kid gets the urge to shout "Look at that Lady! She's really fat!!" if you ever see me at the grocery store...

These days, I'd take any compliment I get. I'd say thank you, and either lock the door next time, or say "daddy would like some privacy while he's peeing" and leave it at that. Make a big deal of it, and it will become a big deal.

gwendomama - I don't think she was actually making an assessment (that is, I hope not) - I think that she was just trying to be politely friendly (I think they encourage this at her school, because she does it with everything - our clothes, our eyewear, our vehicle, our shoes, our ears - whatever happens to be in her field of vision)

But she did, on one other occasion, comment on the size. That was equally awkward.

Geeze....this reminds me of the time my about 3 year old daughter was showering with her daddy, and wanted to know why he had poop hanging there. SO not a compliment. She didn't even say it was nice poop.

My daughter walked in the bathroom whilst my husband was showering, threw back the curtain, pointed, laughed like a maniac, and shouted: DADDY I SEE YOUR PEANUT!!! YOUR PEANUT!!!! I SEE YOUR PEANUT!!! And then she laughed some more.

This was over three years ago, and he is still scarred. Your girl's compliment would have been greatly appreciated.

Wonderful post! What a question. I'd say thanks and go on like nothing happened. Of course, you're tempted to wonder how many boys she might say that too. LOL. Great read. Thanks for sharing.Now following you on Twitter btw.tojosan

Because I was a young victim of rape, I taught my daughter about "privacy" and "private parts" very early so in a case like this daddy would say, "Thanks, honey, but remember, a penis is private. Okay, go play, and we can play together later." No shame but enforces the private part. Good luck! I think it is precious she has such good manners.

Honestly, I just figure small children say things like this. My son announced "I have a penis" in the middle of the library once, when he was three. Everyone laughed, no one was shocked, and it was just No Big Deal. If I said anything at all, it was probably something like "Yes, that's right."

This made me laugh a lot - take your compliments where you can get them, indeed!

But it also made me remember....

When I was in labour with my son (now 14), things started going very badly just before a shift change at the hospital. I fell apart as the contractions came close.

The midwife hung with it for a while but then decided that she may as well go home and let the next one deal with me. I was crying and hurting and very unhappy and seriously regretting my decision not to have drugs.

So I half heard her telling the other midwife, hey, I don't know, she was with it and together and strong-minded and in the last hour she's suddenly fallen apart and ... *vague pointing at me*

I would just drop it and hope she doesn't mention it to anyone. What else can you do? You are right not to make a big deal out of it and you are right not to ever say that someone's body part isn't nice and God knows I love compliments just as much as the next gal LOL

Give her something pink and I'll guarantee that will become her new obsession and she'll forget all about how nice her dad's pee pee is :)

oh I'm certain he'll remember to shut/lock the door from now on. I know my dh does. All it took was our 17 month old to walk in on him and try to crawl between his legs as he was in midstream! LOL! All I heard was "Hey! Hey! Get outta there!" Somethings just take once... LOL!

Personally I'd just ignore it. I haven't peed with the door closed in 2 years, I don't dare when I'm home all day with the 2 year old... So you know they're gonna comment on something they've seen on YOU. It's about time daddys started getting comments too :)