Justin Bieber’s Pet Monkey, Quarantined in Germany, Is the Latest Unwitting Victim of His Downward Spiral

Last week, as Justin Bieber’s brand continued to spiral downward, the 19-year-old pop singer was attempting to re-establish himself as a down-to-Earth teenage multi-millionaire by flying to Munich . . . aboard a private jet . . . with his pet capuchin monkey. Bieber, not one to concern himself with airport formalities like “clothing” or “appropriate documentation for an exotic pet,” neglected to obtain a health certificate and other necessary documents for bringing the 14-week animal, named Mally, into the country. In turn, she(?) was immediately confiscated by German authorities on Thursday and sent to a nearby shelter to be kept in quarantine.

Because Mally is not just a monkey but a monkey owned by the premier pop-singing, sexy-hospital-“selfie”-ing, gas-mask-flaunting, harem-pants-wearing teen sensation in this universe, “reporters from around the world” bombarded the shelter with inquiries about the animal. Now, the Associated Press notifies us that Bieber has four weeks to reclaim Mally. If he doesn't, several zoos in the area have kindly elected to take the monkey. Regardless of whether he claims Mally, Bieber will reportedly face a fine that could be as high as $17,000, along with costs related to the quarantine.

The latest bit of negative Bieber P.R., however, does not end at trying-to-smuggle-his-pet-monkey-without-proper-documentation-into-Germany. The singer is also being reprimanded by both third-party vets and Mally’s own quarantine station for acquiring such a young monkey as a pet. In a statement, the shelter said that the animal should not have been taken away from its mother until it was a year old. Adding insult to more publicity injury, the shelter also revealed that Mally “seemed nervous and confused at being in a cell—and had refused to eat at first.” Tragically hilarious captions and photos posted by the Daily Mail indicate that Mally will eat only if given a stuffed animal—in this case, a cat—to cuddle with as a surrogate parent. In the most awesome photo of the set (above), Malley mounts said stuffed cat while placing a single paw on an iPad that displays the cover of Justin Bieber’s albumBelieve.

For those looking to buy a Bieber-like pet, do note that all authorities quoted warn that acquiring a pet monkey at 9 or 10 weeks old—no matter how cute it is or how much you loved The Hangover Part II—is not recommended.