Kris Attfield is the author of three books: The Book of Finch, Letters to Whomever, The Eagle's Sore: A Novella and Pfhonge, The Inter-Continental Brink of Madness, Air Defence, Doorless Darts and Blaine Bananatree - a bunch of video games.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

On The Law of Attraction, and having NO FRIENDS

I have no friends, so I spam my blog now, no one in the world to talk to except for the world as a whole.

When I was young, well, do you remember how cruel children can be?

The Law of Attraction as described in Rhonda Byrne's "The Secret" is not quite right I think: the book says something that I consider not quite right, but I'll just put my correction in here: When you say something about someone else, especially when you say it repeatedly - it comes true. Just because you said it, or any number of people could have said it. It comes true. I'm not talking about prophecies caused by God or whatever force that are just random occurrences you know will happen --- I'm talking about future occurrences that you CAUSE to happen --- just by repeatedly saying it over and over again.

Imagine being a child, and having brothers and sisters, imagine the most commonly spoken words coming true in real life.

You can speak words of kindness and love, or you can be a cruel child who constantly says unkind things.

Unfortunately, I lived a negative childhood, where brother and sister are constantly saying evil things to one another.

My sister would call me names like "stupid" and "retard" and "demented" and "you'll have no friends when you grow up".

My brother would say things like "you're going to be abducted by men in white coats and taken to the rubber room when you grow up".

There is absolutely no reason why these things had to happen, no reason why they had to be true, other than this is what we said to each other as children.

I know my own personal behaviour in relation to my brother and sisters ranged from things I remember like "[Sister #2]: please don't be anything like [Sister #1]" and "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I MEAN, YOU JUST CAN'T SAY ANYTHING RIGHT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" (in relation to my sisters consistent name-calling) and then I also remember having an argument with my brother about how he didn't want to share his computer game with me. I mean, from my perspective, you just put the CD in the computer and play a present game, it seemed to me that my brother thought I was somehow going to break his game - just by having a cd in the cd drive and playing with a preset application. I don't break computers when I use computers, so why would his video game break? Anyway, I just remember having some agitation about how my brother didn't want to share with me, and I can't even remember exactly what kinds of names I might have called him.

I remember also getting so sick of my sisters' crap that I would start flinging mud back at her. I said some pretty nasty things too, although I tried to keep my language "tame", away from big bad words like the F-word and S-word.

Anyway, realize that many things that were said to me by my siblings have come true about myself. I have no friends. I'm stupid. I'm demented. I'm crazy. I'm retarded. I was locked up by men in white coats in the little "rubber" room.

Imagine just how nice it would be to grow up in a family where the children said NICE and KIND and POSITIVE things about each other.

All I remember from my childhood is a bunch of violence and namecalling.

OH yes, I remember what I called Sister #2 when I was young, I called her "FAT". Over and over repeatedly in the cruelest way - I would make fun of how fat my sister was. The thing is, however, that she actually was fat, and she grew up to be much skinnier.

I was the smartest kid in my class, but that didn't stop certain siblings from calling me the aforementioned names.

So sad.

That is just how I remember my childhood. And it might be why I have no friends. Just because my sister said I wouldn't have any.

ADDITIONAL:::::

Sister #2 is actually one of the nicest, most loved and best respected people we know of in my family. She turned out right. I just happen to remember asking her to not be like Sister #1 and also making fun of her overweight form. I mean, it's just amazing how well our youngest sister turned out - which is really great.

As for Sister #1, we STILL have problems with her. I mean, years ago we tried to explain to her that she needs to start saying nice things, but I remember at a family dinner a few weeks ago, as she was talking to one of my infant nieces or nephews she said "I will take you out". She might mean it in a joking way, but that is actually a threat, made at an infant, and it really isn't right in my opinion.

I thank God she said it in front of Sister #2's husband, who is a security guard and aspiring police officer.

Basically, Sister #2 is viewed as awesome and is easily received very nicely. Sister #1 has always had problems with saying the wrong thing, and generally being unkind. I wonder how to examine #1's psychology to find how why she behaves that way.

And really, I think me and my brother are retarded because we had to grow up with sister #1. It's very sad. Our childhoods were ruined by our sister, and now we are grown children, just trying to enjoy our childhoods for the second time. That's my theory.