"Ms Jackson"

"In Traction"

The Lyrics

Dedicated to Arwen, a tale of a co-ordinationally-challenged person whose leisurely pursuits all result in disaster.

Yeah, this song right here goes out to all my body's traumas.Ruptures.I'm half a carcass.Maimed and gormless.Just broken bits.

My body's in traction.Ooh, trying to heal.Never meant to break my upper spine.Tried some exercise, the risky kind.My body's in traction.Ooh, covered in weals.Evidently aching, paralysed.Why are all of my hobbies unwise?

Board games are rather boring, so I play.Outside doing things like tackling boys, Arm dislocated from the footy blokes knocking me sideways.Love to get out. Free in the air and the sky. I may go hike out.Acquire gout, then twist my neck and ankle and burn my eyes out.

I love to do an abseil, without cables, from a sea cliff. Diving school, aikido, medical bills increasing.Just have a run at everything, though getting maimed at every stadium.I got to give up sport or risk a busted jaw from pavement slalom.

Yeah I'm prone to accidents, when I'm outside sporting. It can get violent.My bad hip slides or pops out and my thigh's displaced. 's no surprise, man.Can't fight it. I know that I just broke my leg as I fell down.Yell “Ow!” Got paramedics on speed dial, better call now.

My body's in traction.Ooh, why so much zeal?Every action claims more blood and bile.Been hospitalised a million times.My body's in traction.Ooh, road-rash skin peels.Ever went to take a paraglide?I must follow guide's advice next time.

Not a skateboarder. Not the best of aim with a gun.You say ‘race doggies chomp'. But I adore toe stumps!Hopeless, a greenhorn. Elbow breaks from tennis.I am good at tricky cryptics, I just can't kickflip or balance.

Oh dammit, get knocked out each time that I try a highdive.And twist my muscles from a luge on down a steep incline.Injuries when I jump in a ring. Bullfighting men,Are laughing at my gored rear-end.

Athletic jokes as I go to hurl and toss a javelin.“He kiddin'? You'll heave a javelin? It's never happenin'!”A javelin never seems that long until it's thrown.How hopeless, it impaled me straight through the calf, skewered bone.

In traction the incisions are cut through fleshy butt.Require these excisions to get out the debris, jetsam matter.Busted knees, cuts that bleed, ruptured spleen.Accidents happen so my healing aint terribly- fast.I maim my crotch when tryin' to ski. A real- ass.My doctors are just steaming so I feel, daft.

My body's in traction.Ooh, trying to heal.Never meant to break my upper spine.Tried some exercise, the risky kind.My body's in traction.Ooh, covered in weals.Evidently aching, paralysed.Why are all of my hobbies unwise?

Look at the surgeons treat me,The medical payroll needs me.Cuz the hospital had one nurse,But for me they need nineteen, see.

My mouth is battered, my chest is tattered,Insides are hanging out.It's what they expect from a weekend of sports,Hockey stick up in my bowel.

You know they pluck it out. Agility? Sport ability? Not me!Leads to a beating, inj'ry, another week of medics treating.So if you race and get maimed or just split a limb playing baseball.You're my kind of guy, man. See you at intensive care ward, you and your traumas!

My body's in traction.Ooh, why so much zeal?Every action claims more blood and bile.Been hospitalised a million times.My body's in traction.Ooh, road-rash skin peels.Ever went to take a paraglide?I must follow guide's advice next time.

My body's in traction.Ooh, trying to heal.Never meant to break my upper spine.Tried some exercise, the risky kind.My body's in traction.Ooh, covered in weals.Evidently aching, paralysed.Why are all of my hobbies unwise?

Despite the enormity, I might have a go at a recording.Then again, I'd probably end up electrocuting myself and choking on the microphone...

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Talk about me being a major loser! I can't believe it took me so long to get to this, Luke!! It's FAB-ulous, and amazingly true to life...=) Although, I actually broke my LOWER spine...not upper, silly...; )

I love Love LOVE the original...and I love this parody...why in the hell hasn't anyone else stopped by??

That's my cue =) People haven't stopped by because "Arwen" was in the comments, not the title. So no one saw it. Otherwise you'd have like 58 votes and comments, plus at least 7 scrums. DKTOS (I have to get back to speed with more current songs, maybe parody one today or something). But I have some knowledge of the subject matter and was able to enjoy it.

ABC - I do know the original for this, and it obviously took a lot of effort... but maybe you should've spent a little less effort on rhyming with the original and more on rhyming like the original. Infinitely better, of course, than anything i've ever done with this song. The video would be hilarious, but i'd probably feel bad for laughing