tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post1606344217496811988..comments2020-06-06T09:55:56.677-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages March Workshop - Pine Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-34369156579567024702012-03-24T11:09:19.093-04:002012-03-24T11:09:19.093-04:00Thank you so much, Martina. This is such great fee...Thank you so much, Martina. This is such great feedback to work with, from you and from everyone else. Time to get cracking on revisions!Amyhttp://amylovesya.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-36343273757848803442012-03-24T10:12:43.898-04:002012-03-24T10:12:43.898-04:00Hi Amy,
I adore this new beginning. We see her in...Hi Amy,<br /><br />I adore this new beginning. We see her in action and it is a more gradual intro into the world. Her voice and the world both come through clearly, and your authorial voice is lovely. <br /><br />I will agree with the others and call you on the info dump, and make a few more very small suggestions:<br /><br />1. Yeah. I’m fascinated by landscape design. There’s just such beauty in…” I cut him off. “Uniformity?&quot;<br /><br />I think you could let him get out one more word, we&#39;d end up liking her a little better. If he adds something like &quot;order&quot; or &quot;symmetry&quot; she can cut him off with the same exact dialogue. Of course, I don&#39;t know your characters, so whatever is appropriate.<br /><br />2. Whatever,” I retort. You know we have to date at least twice a month unless we are in a monogamous relationship. Will was single, so he had to ask someone.” I know she’s right, about the judgmental part. I can’t help it, though. If I think it, I say it, and this does not bode well on the dating front. <br /><br /><br />As a rule of thumb, any time you have to begin with &quot;You know we...&quot; It&#39;s a heads up. All you need to do here is twist it so that she says something about it&#39;s fine, that was her second date this month, so she&#39;s met the minimum requirement and doesn&#39;t have to find some other poor sucker to take her on for another couple of weeks, or something to that effect. That also takes care of the some of the rest of the paragraph that currently comes after &quot;Summer always has a boyfriend.&quot;<br /><br />3. I pick Summer up at the foot of her lawn the next morning, and she goes easy on me for today.<br /><br /><br />This isn&#39;t info dump, but the transition here is too abrupt. I&#39;d love a little more introspection with some niggling doubt on her part, or maybe some reaction to additional nagging from her parents or something (you can describe not necessarily show, to give us a bridge and a better sense of time passing. Just a brief paragraph would do it, don&#39;t belabor the point.<br /><br />4. I&#39;d love you to be a little subtler about the profanities ordinance.<br /><br />5. I still feel like the reaction to seeing the boy is too much. Consider either toning it down, or describing why she reacts that way. Perhaps move the description up from when she currently sees his the second time and add to it?<br /><br />6. Consider whether the school official would call attention to the scenario being unorthodox. Would it be better if she pointed that out herself in reaction?<br /><br />7. The tattoo conversation is infodump. Make it more subtle and real.<br /><br /><br /><br />I adore the last two lines!<br /><br />Fantastic job. You&#39;re seriously almost there! :D<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-89361966101086290812012-03-22T22:16:12.308-04:002012-03-22T22:16:12.308-04:00I think the other ladies bring up some fantastic p...I think the other ladies bring up some fantastic points :) All I can see other than what they&#39;ve already said is that maybe you&#39;re moving a bit too fast through these scenes. Three scenes in about five pages is very quick in my opinion, but that could just be me. I think if you slowed down a tiny bit and really let us live in these moments you&#39;ve created would make them even more special :)Jessica Silvahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10265579216725914883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-89851266697259823452012-03-22T20:42:07.940-04:002012-03-22T20:42:07.940-04:00Thanks, Kheryn. I really appreciated your feedback...Thanks, Kheryn. I really appreciated your feedback through all of this. It really helped!Amyhttp://amylovesya.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53997856649972083812012-03-21T23:27:59.204-04:002012-03-21T23:27:59.204-04:00I&#39;m so happy to see this start in a scene! Thi...I&#39;m so happy to see this start in a scene! This definitely grabs and keeps my attention. I do suggest maybe taking it a little more slowly. There&#39;s a lot of information about the Administration still - maybe because it&#39;s fitting into 1,250 words? <br /><br />One thing that stood out to me was Livvy&#39;s giggle. Livvy says that the giggle isn&#39;t forced, but I almost wish that it was. It&#39;d give some complexity, some more tension... Small detail, but it stood out to me.Kheryn Callenderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00430191402313735917noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-72338644333604711042012-03-21T15:40:02.687-04:002012-03-21T15:40:02.687-04:00Thank you, Sarah!Thank you, Sarah!Amyhttp://amylovesya.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-9240960978106938302012-03-20T23:10:30.139-04:002012-03-20T23:10:30.139-04:00This is fantastic. Your genre, character, story a...This is fantastic. Your genre, character, story all seems clear to me. I really like your characters, and all of the humor hooks me. The shrub pictures! haha!<br />As Lisa pointed out, you may not need to explain all the details in the conversation with Summer (even the physical descriptions I skimmed over), but I also feel confident that you can work them in somehow. Very nice!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11607291218714097810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-14673474290159874372012-03-20T20:21:43.564-04:002012-03-20T20:21:43.564-04:00Thank you, Lisa!Thank you, Lisa!Amyhttp://amylovesya.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-27887303622619253482012-03-20T15:29:17.620-04:002012-03-20T15:29:17.620-04:00Nice! My biggest complaint is the bit of info dump...Nice! My biggest complaint is the bit of info dumping you do in the dialogue with Summer during the first tablet conversation. People don&#39;t usually discuss the rules of their society when they live in it every day. ;D This is a tough thing to deal with, very common, but I can see how creative you are and know you can do it. <br /><br />I&#39;d say eliminate some of the description of the lawns as they pass, just indicate it makes her think of the failed date. Then spend a smidge more time on her first sighting of the stranger. Make that fall on her butt moment last! I like it btw. I think it works much better than the vomiting. But that&#39;s my opinion!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com