Oh, Kellie Leitch, you strange, unique, visionary xenophobe. I’ve been watching your video today. You know the one; everyone’s talking about it, and they’re not saying anything nice. In my favourite riff on this thing that you’ve unleashed on the world and that you no doubt believe is true and moving, someone has slowed it down by 40%, making you appear to talk like someone’s drunk aunt. And maybe that’s exactly what you are–no judgements here, because that would be mean and a barbaric cultural practice.

Kellie, you’ve been around for quite a while now, beating your drum about how Canada needs to have face-to-face interviews with every immigrant, refugee–and now you’re apparently adding visitors to that list?!–to screen for Canadian values. Do you have any other policies that the mainstream media isn’t reporting on because it’s fixated on this one batshit crazy one? I understand that you’re trying to carve out a space for yourself amongst too many candidates for the Conservative Party leadership, but won’t you need other ideas when you become Prime Minister? (By the way, it’s totally adorable that you think you’ll ever be Prime Minister, and please keep on saying you will be at every opportunity… I hope it’s the first thing you say when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you say before you drift off to sleep, perchance to dream about being Prime Minister, which as I said, is never going to happen.)

But Kellie, I notice you never really say–beyond meaningless buzz words and platitudes–what the Canadian values you hold so dear are. And so I’m here to help. Please feel free to use any or all of the following as examples of Canadian values.

Rolling up the rim

Knowing which parts of Alberta where it’s safe to cheer for the Oilers

How to correctly pronounce “about”

This Hour Has 22 Minutes used to be funnier

Feeling inferior to Americans while using humour to pretend we’re not

Margaret Atwood is a goddamn national treasure

Knowing that Windsor, ON is at the same latitude as Northern California

“The Royal Canadian Oil Sands are a proud part of the Canadian tradition of self-sufficiency, determination, and ingenuity. Canadian.”

“Rob Ford? I’ve never met the man, let alone went on a secluded fishing trip with him.”

“The Prime Minister has paid the full ticket price for each hockey game he’s attended while in office. Wink!”

“C’mon, you didn’t really think you’d be able to retire at 65 anyway, did you? With all the money we’re gonna spend on fighter jets? Tell you what, we’ve got plenty of new jobs as prison guards right around the corner… how’d you like that?”

“Those Marines who urinated on the dead Taliban shouldn’t face criminal charges–they’re just 18 or 19-year old kids, after all. It’s not like they’re mentally handicapped, who I believe are fully responsible, and should be punished to the full extent of the law, including the death penalty.” -Rick Perry, Governor of Texas

Syria

“Hello? Is anyone out there? Would you help protect us if we told you we had oil?” -Syrian citizens everywhere

Canada

“Big Environment is out to destroy this country, and destroy jobs, and Ethical Oil and the Conservative Party are the only ones standing in the way. Won’t you please call your MP and let them know that you’re sick of buying oil from the Middle East, that it’s time we support Canadian jobs by raping our own environment? Oh, and boycott bananas!” -EthicalOil.org

In a recent speech, U.S. Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney spoke about American exceptionalism, and his belief that God has big plans for the United States. In fact, Romney believes that God (not just some Mormon God, because Romney also wants you to know that he believes in the same God as you do, as long as you’re a Christian, because he’s a Christian too, even thought most Americans believe Mormonism is a cult and not Christian at all–much like many evangelicals believe Catholics aren’t really Christians either) created the United States for a higher purpose, which hasn’t been fulfilled, despite fears that American hegemony is over and that China will soon rule the world. Not so! says Romney. America is just getting started! The twenty-first century will be a century of American dominance! The United States remains a beacon to all freedom-loving peoples everywhere, with the possible exception of the French! America is not done with you yet, planet Earth!

In light of Romney’s confidence in the ongoing supremacy of the United States, it’s interesting to look at the rest of his speech, in order to see what he believes God’s plan is for some other countries. After all, this could be the next President of the United States of America, and the rest of us ought to know where we stand in Mitt’s vision of the coming world order.

It was revealed today through confidential sources that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper frequently prorogues his own orgasms in an effort to prolong lovemaking sessions and to control the sexual agenda between he and his wife, Laureen.

“There are typically two ways that Prime Ministers can prorogue their orgasms,” according to constitutional sexpert Aubrey St. John-Smythe-Smith, “One, called the ‘withdrawal’ method, in which the sitting member simply refrains from entering the… if you will, ‘house’ until such time as he is ready to begin again the thrust and parry of debate, and two, colloquially known as ‘thinking about hockey’, used when certain sensitive issues have come to a head, where the Prime Minister refuses to contemplate the issues at hand, waiting instead for the moment when sensitivity decreases and he may once again dive full-force into the house, bringing both he and the house to a satisfactory climax.”

While critics are accusing the Prime Minister of abusing the trust of voters, being selfish, and delaying the inevitable, supporters point out that he is entirely in his rights to prorogue orgasms. “The role of the Prime Minister today is much more robust and virile than it used to be, and the Canadian people expect their leader to take a commanding position in Parliament, as well as the bedroom. Although the Governor General traditionally has the power to deny prorogue, this is no longer done in practice, as the Governor General has become largely a ceremonial position, and must be content to be a mere spectator as the Prime Minister takes the lead, sets the pace, and maps out the crucial decision to come,” explains a spokesman for the Prime Minister’s Office. “This is nothing new: proroguing has been done by nearly all of our Prime Ministers, hundreds of times… except King, of course.”

A recent nation-wide poll, the first of its kind, has revealed details behind many of the seemingly-innocuous but time-consuming activities in which Canadians engage on a daily basis. In an unusual move for such polls, its conductors are explicitly passing judgement on the activities. “We felt we had to drop our professional objectivity in this case, because the data we collected quite simply scared us to death,” pronounced lead pollster Amos Pigginson. “Consider this poll a warning, Canadians: you are wasting your lives away.” Some of the startling results are listed below.

Over the course of a lifetime, the average Canadian spends:

2 years arguing about how this year the Leafs will win the Stanley Cup for sure,

10 months huddled in a fetal position or puking into a toilet bowl after another Leafs loss,

3 months adding “u” to words like “labor” and “favor”,

1 month correcting other Canadians who spell “centre” as “center” or “cheque” as “check”,

2 weeks grinding their teeth upon hearing a fellow Canadian pronounce “schedule” as “sheh-jool”,

1 week watching television commercials for shows like Being Erica and Wild Roses that they will never ever watch,

3 days gaping in incredulity that Americans on Jeopardy! can’t identify a single Canadian province,

5 minutes reading blogs that make up statistics in an attempt at humour.