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Monday, 12 May 2014

Valve Sells Team Fortress 2 Hat Models to CCP For Use on NEX Store

Valve Chairman Gabe Newell and CCP CEO Hilmar Veigar announced today they had sealed the deal on the game-related business deal of the year, as CCP acquired the intellectual property on all of Team Fortress 2's hats, allowing them to be imported into Eve.

Mr. Veigar stated that he had been seeking to obtain hats from Valve's popular FPS since the NEX Store was first opened in 2011, after realising plain black boots were a lot less

"I've always been a big admirer of Valve's free to play system. We tried to discreetly copy them on the path to making Eve a free to play game by adding a store where one could purchase a range of cosmetic apparel. My downfall was when I changed one crucial part of the recipe - we didn't add any hats because we didn't want it to look like we were copying Valve.

Another reason for the attack on the NEX store was that it was a waste of developer time - you don't have to worry about that any more because we're exporting the hats directly as they are from TF2, taking up no developer time at the expense of the $1,999,500 fee Valve charged. (He kindly knocked $500 off the price after the CCP crew pooled the metal on their TF2 accounts and sent it to him.)

We'll also be adding some special effects similar to implants. Many lower tier hats will give a 1% bonus to control tower onlining time, to make upper tier and unusual hats more attractive we'll be adding ships that can only be flown if you have the necessary hat - and of course all hats can be purchased with aurum on our new store."

The new headgear has gone down well with the majority of Eve players. CSM 9 candidate Xenuria stated he very much looked forward to the prospect of obtaining a fedora for his character. Another notable forum dweller named Dinsdale Piranha suggested that this was the work of some kind of Goon, or possibly another nullsec dweller, designed to humiliate the working classes of highsec. Some have speculated his reaction was caused by the fact there are no tinfoil hats in Team Fortress 2.

Pandemic Legion were also critics of the hats, pointing out the blatant favouritism shown between Valve multiplayer games. "We could've had a wide range of apparel from the most popular Valve game Dota 2, which is on average played by ten times more people than Team Fortress 2. But no, instead we just get some hats from a dead, seven year old game. How are we going to dress Sniggwaffe members as mascots for the PL Dota championships with TF2 hats?" At this point his argument rapidly degenerated, but JEFFRAIDER added "I just want one hat from Chivalry and I'll be chill."

Later in the day CCP Saberwing announced a new 'Vampire' class would be added to Dust in what many believe is an ill conceived ruse to offload some of World of Darkness's assets in order to enhance its appeal to teenage girls. Experts are already fairly certain this will have limited success.