Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I told everyone at work today. We were about to start our white elephant gift-giving game and I said I had something I wanted to show everyone first. I passed around the ultrasound photo from last week and the goobers couldn't figure out what was going on. It was pretty funny watching the confusion on their faces. I just figured they'd see the baby, see my name and put two and two together, but it didn't work out that way. Finally one of the girls looked at me and said "is this of you?" and I said "yeah, that's mine" and someone else said "what? I don't understand..." so I said "yep, I'm pregnant." Then there was the shock and the "what?!" and disbelieving head-shakes and then the squealing began. The guys didn't squeal though, but they are excited in their own curious way. It's almost cute.

The really cool thing is that everyone is totally supportive and excited. There were a few questions about the donor, but it was more from curiosity about him than shock about the path I have chosen. So far, I have had really good responses from people I meet along the way. The real test is going to be when I tell people at home. Where I'm from, most folks are hard-right leaning churchly republicans and this might actually shock them.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Well, I managed to get myself an appointment at the radiology center for an ultrasound. HAHA! :-P

Baby looks great and is measuring at about 9w2d with a good, strong heartbeat. It's great news and I feel MUCH more relieved and secure. The technician was really awesome and printed a bunch of pictures for me. About midway through she gasped and got all excited because the baby was moving! She turned the monitor around and let me watch the baby move around a little. It was sooooo neat.

I'm really excited now, and eternally grateful that things are going well for me so far *knock on wood*. I know so many folks out there are having a tough time and I feel terrible for them. But I have to remind myself to not stress out and that so far things are great for me.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. The exhaustion has hit me like a ton of bricks. My body shuts down whenever it wants (which is about every 4 hours or so) despite my fierce determination to not let it do so. It's a battle I always lose. I crashed for about 15 mins on my keyboard this morning before lunch and was left with some interesting marks across my face much to the amusement of my officemates.

They don't know yet, and I have decided to tell everyone at the holiday party next week. I'll be at 10 weeks and won't know anything more than I do now or will know until after the new year. More about that:

I had my first OB appointment last week and was left feeling very disappointed. No ultrasound to check on my little one so I have no idea what's going on in there. It's so hard to believe it's real without that confirmation. I wasn't too impressed with the office. It was extremely busy and it took me 30 mins to find a place to park, which ended up being two blocks over and illegally parallel parked. This will not fly when I'm enormous come July in the stifling heat and humidity. I also didn't actually see a doctor, but a nurse instead. I don't really have much of a problem with that though because she looked like she's been doing this since before I was alive and probably had more experience than all of the doctors in the practice put together. I still didn't like her too much though and I felt that I was just another "new patient", which I know is true, but I still think some consideration should be put into patient history. I flat out refused the pap smear and basically smacked her hands away when she tried to do a breast exam. I mean really? My tits feel like a pair of lead balloons hanging painfully off my chest and you want to knead and manhandle them? Um, NO. I had a FULL gyno workup in April before I started this whole business and it didn't need to be done again. They redid all the bloodwork, even though I had it all done at the clinic not 3 months ago before I had the IUIs and had the records with me. I asked about ultrasounds and she said they didn't have a machine so they don't do them. I was like "What?! How can an OB office not do ultrasounds?" I guess they send you off to some other place to have the one or two you get through the whole pregnancy. That was disappointing too. I went ahead and scheduled the 1st trimester genetic screening (primarily so I can get a peek at the baby) and convinced the nurse to give me a referral to go have an ultrasound to check because of the severe cramping I have been having. Hopefully I can get in for that before I go home for Christmas.

Gah. This is so damn stressful sometimes. Not to mention the pregnancy crazies are in full force. Complete with OMG!Crazy!Pregnant!Woman!RAGE! There have been a couple of occasions where I have envisioned some seriously violent actions that would make Quentin Tarantino proud. Hee, I love him. Seriously though, it does scare me because I carry a gun and it's just so (scary!) tempting sometimes. This morning some asshole tried to run me off the road because he didn't want to let me merge in when my lane ended. I looked over and there he is, about an inch away from me, flipping me the bird. I sped off and got ahead of him on the shoulder and ditched him but jeeze, I REALLY wanted to ram his piece of shit truck and shove my gun in his mouth and ask him what a big macho man like him though about trying to bully a girl like me now, and that he should really think about who he tries to intimidate and if it's worth it. Ending with a kick in the groin and him groveling, begging for his life.

See what I mean? OMG!Crazy! Thank goodness for the anonymous blogosphere. I couldn't tell anyone else this without risking commitment to the looneybin.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

For what is probably the 25th night in a row, I have not been able to sleep. I go to bed early, around 10pm and manage to sleep until about 1am and then I'm up. Wide awake. I can't get comfortable, I toss and turn and my mind RACES. I finally manage to fall asleep again around 5am, which during the work-week really sucks because I have to get up at 6am. Of course on the weekend, I end up snoozing on the couch for most of the afternoon because I'm so damned tired and that's just not helping either.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

and fingers still permanently crossed. Of course, when I logged on to post yesterday's U/S picture, the first thing I did was read through everyone's updates. My deepest, heartfelt sympathies to Jay. I just don't even know what to say. Such a sad loss. It terrifies me. Please let me make it with this one. Please.

So far, all looks good. Heartbeat was at 130 and baby is measuring perfectly. I am officially graduated from the clinic and move on to the OB. First OB appointment is next Thursday.

My boss says it's going to be a girl. I think so too. This brings a whole new set of terror for me. I really, really want a boy. I just cannot relate to girls. I HATE pink with a passion and the thought of a lifetime of pink things, lace, hair bows and frilly dresses freaks me out. I have no earthly idea how to be girly and I don't even remotely think any of that stuff is cute. Yuck. How can I have a child I don't think is cute?! I fear a girl will have daddy issues and boy issues and all the other girls-are-cruel issues that I have absolutely no way of dealing with.

Of course, yesterday my sister found out what her baby is, and it figures...another boy so now I'll have two totally adorable sweet baby nephews. This of course makes me want a boy even more so they all can be buddies.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Just stopping in for a quick update. I have been lucky/unlucky enough to be in the full throes of Teh Sickyness. Yuck. Some days have been worse than others though and I'm grateful for that. TMI, but I have been "blessed" with the full trifecta of ick: Diarrhea, Cramps and Nausea/Vomiting.

Gotta love the weird food aversion too. So. Much. Fun.

I have tried taking Pepto pills (Doc said it was ok), and while they seemed to ease the nausea, they caused TERRIBLE cramps and shits for days *shudder*.

I tried Zantac which didn't make any difference at all. I felt fine with it one minute and the next minute I'm hugging my trashcan (yes, in my office. It blows and so do I. HA.)

I have tried keeping food in my tummy, but all that seems to do is make it worse. Not to mention that I think my metabolism has actually sped up a great deal because I seem to need to eat every stinkin hour at the latest. Combine that with the poopy issues and it's just an all-around party.

The good news is that today I feel pretty good, just minor crampy/aches so far and I have a 7 week ultrasound scheduled for Weds and then I am officially graduated to the OB, with an OB appointment at 8 weeks.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

One baby, measuring 5w5d which is where I am today exactly. Very visible heart beat, but there is a bit of concern because it only seemed to measure at 90-100 beats, and the doctor wants to see it get to 120 so I have to schedule another ultrasound next week to measure the heartbeat again.

The bad news is, THE SICKNESS SUCKS. Hard. I have been feeling icky off and on for the last couple of days, but today I spent a good part of the morning feeling just miserable with bouts of nausea happening every 2 hours or so throughout the afternoon. I'm trying to figure out a pattern and eat right before I'm scheduled to start feeling icky and so far it's helping I think. I managed to get quite a bit done at the office today and no one important seemed to notice when I was feeling bad. I had a small loveseat moved into my office so I can close my door (and pray no one comes in) and relax a little. My mom laughed at this, which I don't really see what's so funny. If I have the space and the available furniture, then why not?

Tomorrow morning I'm going to try popping a pepto bismol pill first thing when I get up and eat a granola bar or something. Maybe that will help.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

So I called the OB office to get in for my 8 week check and the bitch told me that because she "had a wheel' that tells her how far along I am, I wouldn't be at the 8 week mark until Dec 16th and that's the soonest I can get in. Um, if the insemination was on October 21, I will be at 5 weeks this week, which means I'll be 8 weeks on Dec 2nd. I don't want to wait until after week 10 for my first appointment. That's almost the first trimester!

Not to mention she wouldn't give me decent time frame. It was either dead middle morning or dead middle afternoon. No way of working around that. I tried to tell her that since I don't get maternity leave, any leave I have to burn to go to these appointments takes away from what I can take when the baby gets here.

I plan on calling back and basically demanding to get in before my 10 weeks is up, but I have to wait until I've cooled down.

*Edited to add that I just tried to call back and now the bitch isn't even answering the phone. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO that pisses me off more.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Blood tests are in and I am officially, most definitely pregnant. YAY! I have already started my registry on diapers[dot]com lol. I am so excited and I want to shout it and tell everyone, but I know I need (and want) to wait until after the holidays.

My Beta this morning was 550 which is great. I go back next week for beta #2 and then a week following that is my first ultrasound.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Today is 12dpIUI and AF was a no-show this morning. There is nothing I can do to not get my hopes up. They are now sky high and my brain has run away with the OMG! OMG! Did it really work?!

I have been too terrified to pee on that one stupid test I have at home. I want to sooooo bad, but I'm terrified of getting a BFN. I may just go to the store at lunch and get one, but then a big part of me says to just wait for my bloodwork on Thursday. AF is officially late according to Fertility friend online and they say to take a test tomorrow.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Started cramping last night and thought AF might appear, but ended up just being gassy. Thank goodness because it's a little early for her to show up.

The song from yesterday is Twinkle, by Tori Amos. She is very, uh...unique, but she is one of the most talented musicians EVAR. This is a nice version. The song actually starts 1:00 in, and I've never heard that beginning part, but it's probably just a little something that popped into her head before she started the song. She does that sometimes.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I wanna play a little game with my readers. I am a HUGE music freak and at any given moment, there is some song or another running through my head. I literally have a continuous soundtrack (of just about everything except Countrypop) running through my head as I go about living. Sometimes it's really annoying and sometimes it's awesome.

So when I feel like it, I'll post lines from songs in the titles of my updates, marked by the music notes, and if you know the song/artist, please reply!

Today I went out and ran my errands, spending a crap load of moola in the process. I bought 3 fraking pairs of boots. It seems like a lot, but damn it I needed them. One pair for work with heels (I wear suits), one for jeans w/o heels and a pair of $20 wally world snow boots to walk the dog in during the winter.

Then I went to Bedbath&beyond and spent another small fortune. I finally got stuff to stage my dining room table. It's purdy, but my dumb ass only bought one set of dishes so I have to go back at some point and get another for the second placing. I may just exchange the set and only buy the single plates. I also bought the Ninja Master food processor which has great reviews. I am considering making my own baby food when the time comes and really wanted a blender/processor that I could use for that as well as all the other normal things like milkshakes (I used my 20% off coupon too!).

While I was at BB&B, a strange domesticity came over me, which forced me to buy cookie cutters, a rolling pin, a baking rack and spatula. I must make holiday cookies, and I'm excited about it. This is so unlike me it's not even funny. You just don't know how out of character this is. On top of it all, I have been in an UNfrakingBELIEVABLY good mood. Like, I wonder if they spiked my sandwich with something... I can't explain it. This afternoon, I have been acting completely abnormal and totally out of character. My friends/family/coworkers wouldn't recognize me. I just don't know what's up. Maybe it's the weather. Or that I finally got a good night's sleep last night.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking these past 7 days about the next steps. I am pretty convinced this IUI didn't work. I will be able to do IUI#3 in November, but I'll be traveling in December so I'll have to skip that month. I have been doing a lot of thinking about IVF which will cost me one of the following options:

I think I've decided that the 3 cycles for $15,500 is the way to go for me if I do it. I would be totally annoyed if I paid the $19,500 for the guarantee and it take only one or two tries, and I think my chances are really good for it to work in one or two tries (but then there's the TWINS panic). I had considered paying for a cycle at a time, but at that cost, 2 cycles will cost more than the 3 cycle deal. I'm not totally convinced that I want to go the IVF route though. I hate the idea of having the equivalent to another car payment for the first few years of my kid's life. Especially at a time when money will be tight with full time daycare (not to mention all the other stuff like diapers and probably formula).

I just hate dropping the $1,000 every month for the IUIs which seem to have terrible success rates. Then there's planning for siblings. I originally bought 6 vials of sperm, and I really don't feel like buying any more. The benefit to doing IVF is that it (usually) only takes one vial and I will likely have some embryos to freeze for siblings, thereby eliminating the need to purchase and store sperm, and fork over a bunch of money for more IUIs in a few years when I'm in the "high risk" age-group. If the IUI's don't seem to be working for me now (at least after a decent amount of time), they sure as hell aren't going to get any better over time.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I've been really good about not obsessing over every little thing. I think about it, but I'm not allowing myself to obsess. It's hard, but having other distractions makes it a little easier. It's when I'm bored that the thoughts start creeping in.

I have noticed a lot of CM, and I had some weird cramping last night and this morning, which I chalked up to gas/indigestion. Then this afternoon the beginnings of a cold sore popped up on the edge of my lip (dammit). I've never had one of those, and at first I didn't know what hell was growing and tingling on my lip. So, at lunch today I stopped into CVS and picked up a topical ointment for it which I really hope makes it go away. Not once did I think about whether or not I should use the ointment. I had totally forgotten. I chalked up the cold sore to all the stress I have going on at work. Which, speaking of stress, I have also managed to convince myself that this IUI didn't work for several reasons: 1) I have too much stress 2) The odds are against me 3) It would be far too easy, and things are never that easy 4) I am just not that lucky.

I feel that I likely will have to make a very difficult decision about whether or not to do IVF. And that freaks me out more than anything, because I still have doubts that creep up on me every now and then, especially during the 2WW.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

This IUI went much better than last time. Different nurse this time and she said my cervix was nice and open with good mucus. My donor gave me 37mil thawed little swimmers and they went right in. My question though is, if my cervix is open, how does the sperm stay in and not come out? I just went to the bathroom and had some stuff come out. It reminded me of going to the bathroom after having sex and all the stuff goes "plop plop" out. I hope my little guys stayed in. Have had a bit of cramping this afternoon too and can't wait to get home and go to bed. I didn't sleep a wink last night and am really tired now.

All aboard the crazy train. I am determined to snooze right through these two weeks.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Well, tomorrow morning is IUI#2 and so far, I'm feeling pretty good about it. I have to confess though, the first trigger shot I didn't do myself. Long story short, I have a "friend" that I have been seeing on occasion who gave me the first shot. Said friend wasn't available last night to give me the shot so I was on my own. I have to say that it wasn't bad at all. I was pretty worked up about it and after having some pain, bleeding and trouble in one spot, I moved to another and the needle slipped right in painlessly. YAY me!

Here's an issue you don't come across everyday. I carry a firearm pretty much 24/7 (and no, it's not an option) which means I have to qualify several times a year. Bullets are made of lead and pregnant women are not supposed to be exposed to lead. In the field, pregnant agents are exempt from shooting live rounds and get to qualify on a super-high tech virtual reality system. It's really cool. Unfortunately, I am not in the field and ride a desk at the moment and don't have access to that. Also, I'm not really pregnant yet, but after tomorrow I might be. And firearms quals is on Friday. Bugger. I called the firearms instructor and had to tell him that on Friday I "might be" pregnant which only served to confuse the poor guy. So then I had to delicately tell him that I was going in to have the "deed done" tomorrow and he still didn't get it LOL. So I finally told him that I was having a fertility treatment and that I would be getting "maybe" pregnant tomorrow, and that I wouldn't know if it worked for a couple of weeks. Poor guy. It was funny and he was cool about it and said he'd order me some lead-free rounds.

The crazy train leaves the station tomorrow. Let's hope it's not a bumpy ride.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Just got 2 bills for that stinkin HSG that I didn't want to take. My first thought was omfg, what the hell insurance company!? But then I got online and looked at my coverage and see that it could have been a lot worse and somehow I got off a little easier. And if I didn't have the insurance at all, it would have been ridiculous.

This leads me to my Expenses spreadsheet that I have been keep throughout this process. I'm a big nerd, but it's neat to be able to see everything all laid out nice. It has 5 columns: Date, Expense, $ w/Insurance, $ w/out Insurance and Actual. This way I can keep track of all the things insurance does and does not pay for. I also wrote a quick equation that puts the totals in two columns. So far, counting IUI#2 probably on Thursday, I have spent $6,498.85 out of pocket. This includes everything from 6 vials of sperm, to OPKs, to the DSR fee to sperm shipping fees. If I didn't have the insurance, it all would have cost $21,177.46. For two cycles of medicated/monitored IUIs. Ouch.

How's that for perspective? Now I'm not so mad about having to pay $142.86 for the HSG.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Well, I guess I had my measurements wrong on Thursday. Seems the two follies were only at 13 and today they were at around 15. This kinda blows because it means I likely won't have IUI#2 until later in the week and of course Weds-Fri are really bad days to be at the doctor in the morning. Long story short, but my stupid HOA is pressure-washing the garage and you can't have your car parked between 8 and 5 (I don't know why all 3 days, but they're threatening to tow). If I go to work it's no biggie. I leave before 8 and don't get home until after 5:30. But, if I have to go in for the IUI one of those mornings, I don't have to be there until 10am, which means I won't go to work that morning, which means I won't have anywhere to park my car until I leave. gah.

It would be cool though and much more convenient if I could trigger Thursday night and go in for the IUI on Saturday morning.
*fingers crossed*

Friday, October 15, 2010

Nothing new to report. Today was CD14 and yesterday's monitoring showed 2 little follies at 15. I go in again tomorrow and I'm betting they'll be around 17. I would love for them to be bigger so I can trigger sooner, but we'll see.

Looks like I very well may have 2 eggs this round which is good, but the doctors keep mentioning the potential for twins which scares me.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

The nurse finally called me back. Of course it was a bad time but I have to take their calls when it's good for them, because when I call, I have to leave a message and they call back some time (hours?) later. It's very inconvenient.

Anyway. I have told the clinic twice today that the pharmacy does not have authorization for refills on my clomid. The clinic keeps telling me they do. I called the pharmacy to get my refill (because I need to start it on Monday morning) and they tell me they can't get the refill authorized by the doc until Monday at 5:00pm because they need the doctor's authorization. If the damn clinic had listened to me both times I told them I needed them to call, then I could have picked up the damn prescriptions tomorrow and had the clomid on hand to take Monday morning. But NO...

I am irritated. I will call the clinic again tomorrow morning and leave yet another message to tell them to get off their asses and call the damn pharmacy so I can pick up the damn clomid.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Shannon at Chasing Rainbows nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award. Thank you Shannon!
The rules for the award are:

• Thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
• Share seven things about yourself
• Pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
• Contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award

Seven things about me (this is going to be hard, because I try really hard to keep my blog limited to the baby-making journey):

1. I am a candy junkie. It's like crack to me. I especially like the retro-candy store at Universal Studios in Hollywood.
2. People see me, a thin, young-appearing blond female and like to tell me I am incapable of doing things. I take great pleasure in proving them wrong. Constantly.
3. I hated high school so much that I took classes at the local college when I was 16 for extra credits in high school so I could graduate early. I was in night classes at the college with the parents of the kids I was in class with during the day at high school.
4. I love sexy, fast and luxurious cars. One of my favorites being the Aston Martin DB9
5. I love fruit and hate vegetables. I refuse to eat vegetables of any kind.
6. I am the real-life version of the bad-ass female agents you see on tv. No, really I am. Pretty much everyone I meet says so. It actually gets kind of annoying.
7. Despite factoid #6, I still sleep with my baby receiving blanket. Can't help it. It has gone EVERYWHERE with me; through a couple of boot camps and several military deployments to really crappy places.

Kind of down in the dumps today. I decided to not POS until Sunday if AF doesn't show by then. She's supposed to make an appearance sometime between Sat-Mon and I'm pretty sure she's on the way. I've been feeling icky, am about to die doubled over from the cramps and I've started spotting. Tomorrow morning will be full flow and CD1.

:`( dammit

The good news in this disappointment is that I'm actually really disappointed. Right after the IUI, I had some serious hesitations and doubts about if this is really the right thing to do and if it's what I really want. Judging by how badly I wanted a positive HPT and how disappointed I am that this round didn't take, I can safely say that I really do want this.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I knew I should have waited, because I knew it was going to be a BFN and that I would end up feeling bad. But I just couldn't help myself. I know it's still early (9 days past IUI) and the hormones could not be flowing through me enough to be detected by the test. The box says it's a 51% chance of accuracy.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I'm 9dpo and I have had a terrible headache since Thursday and it's been holding steady this afternoon. I've also been cramping pretty badly these last couple of days, and when I took off my bra to get in the shower, my boobs felt heavy and slightly dull-achy.

Of course, it could all be in my head or a sign from AF, but at least it's something. Don't want to get my hopes up, but dang it, these cramps are sharp!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

This 2ww thing is more of pain-in-the-you-know-what than I was expecting, but in an odd way. For a couple of weeks before the IUI, I was busy. Really busy doing TTC things and doctor's appointments. But during this 2ww, I have nothing to keep my mind off the whole "am I?" and am instead focused on all the signs and symptoms. I have completely checked out of work which is bad, and it's a real struggle to get my head into it every day. Then I have started having doubts. This "time off" of ttc has me rethinking all that crap I worked through before I came to the decision to ttc. Not to mention, I have to go to the office at some point today. My blackberry has been blowing up since yesterday afternoon. If I had a kid, I'd be screwed. And pissed. Losing a weekend with a kid is a big deal. Of course, in situations like this, I can bring the baby in with me and it wouldn't be an issue. But still... I just keep freaking out over silly things that happen when the kid gets older. Like potty training, teaching them to drive, getting in trouble at school, heartbreak etc... which is just silly. Then I panic that a baby is so much work! How will I manage? I keep telling myself to just focus on the making-the-baby part first. That I have plenty of time to stress and worry about those other things once the kid arrives and then when they get older. It doesn't all happen right this very second. I feel crazy sometimes.

As for symptoms, if I had to make a bet as to whether or not it worked, I would bet on it didn't work. Can't say why, just a feeling I have. Of course, I have a bazillion phantom symptoms that I would swear are all in my head or just signs of AF coming. They are:

Cramping. Been cramping since the procedure.
Hormonal wackiness. I've been all over the place emotionally.
Weird dreams. This is a new and strange one. I usually only have weird dreams when I'm sick. Which I kinda am, thanks to some allergy issues.
Nausea. Don't know what's up there, but I did/do have a migraine that started Friday afternoon and is still kind of lingering this afternoon so that's probably why I've been feeling a bit green and unsteady.

I do not have any of the "usual" pregnancy signs like tender breasts or implantation bleeding.

Suckiest part is that the nurse said to not do any HPTs before 16 days because I took ovidrel and it can give false positives. gah! I will force myself to wait until next Saturday (13-14dpo) to take one.

One week and two days to go until I know for sure with bloodwork. Unless AF arrives, which she is scheduled to next weekend.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Well, the deed is done and I am pregnant until proven otherwise. She had some difficulty getting my cervix to behave and come down but I pushed on my stomach which popped it right into place for her. I can't say that the IUI was an entirely pleasant thing to have done (sex is so much more fun), but it wasn't too bad. I have been cramping terribly since last night which is probably when I ovulated, and she said my CM looked fantastic and my lining is perfect. Couldn't ask for better circumstances and my chances are good.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Went in this morning for monitoring. My little follicle is at 20mm! I have to give myself the trigger shot tonight at 10pm and then I go in for IUI#1 Monday morning. I can't believe it. It kinda sucks a teeny bit that it's on Monday morning because now I have to take the morning off and burn some leave, but oh well. At least I get to sleep in.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I actually managed to skip that stupid meeting thing today so I got to go to monitoring this morning. It showed 1 follicle at about 14.5 which is still way too small so I have to go back on Friday to see where I'm at. I seem to have some really slow growing follicles. Probably explains why my cycles are so much longer than average. At this rate, I just might get IUI#1 this weekend.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Talked to the financial counselor at the clinic this morning, and it seems there was a mistake in the billing. I am correct in that my insurance covers everything except the actual IUI procedure. Thank goodness.

Sunday's monitoring sucked though. No real follicle progress. Tons of little ones still, but only one showed any growth at all and it was only at 11.5. I was supposed to go in again on Weds, but I have a stupid all-employee mandatory meeting/conference thing all day and I have to be downtown by 8. The clinic opens at 7 which doesn't leave me enough time to do monitoring and get downtown. They said I can come in on Thurs morning, which is the plan, but that makes me nervous. I know realistically I won't have any follicles ready to go by then, but I still can't help but worry. I'm going to see how things go tomorrow and I think I'll pee on some OPKs Tues and Weds night to reassure myself and make sure I don't miss anything.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I just got a bill from the clinic for $882 for the CD2 sonogram and blood work. W.T.F!? My insurance is supposed to pay for this. The clinic checked before I started all of this and said everything except the actual insemination was covered. I checked myself and it said that all diagnostic (ultrasounds blood work etc...) are covered. Insurance paid for all the other blood work that I've had previously.

So why the bill?

I did get a statement from the insurance company on Friday covering "medical care" and "diagnostic pathology" from the same day's appointment. I don't understand....

I am FREAKED that the insurance company just decided not to pay for this, and that I'll be getting a similar bill for Thursday's sonogram and blood work. To top it off, I am supposed to go tomorrow morning for another sonogram and blood work. O.M.F.G.

And if the insurance company isn't paying for this, why the hell didn't the clinic say anything?!

*Edited to add: I just triple-checked my insurance coverage, and it says plain as day that I pay nothing for:
"Diagnostic tests provided, or ordered and billed by a physician, such as:
• Blood tests
• Laboratory tests
• Pathology services
• Ultrasounds"

My mom even checked it too and looked at the bill. She thinks they just didn't bill the insurance and sent it straight to me. I think hope she's right, and will be talking to the clinic tomorrow before they do anything else to me.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Had the CD11 sonogram and blood work today. I have 12 follicles on each ovary and they are all at 10mm. The tech kinda freaked out on me and said that was too many and that she only saw those numbers in IVF patients, which of course panicked me. She had me talk to the doctor (a different one who I hadn't seen before) who's first words were "how do you feel about twins?" So then I start panicking about have to skip this cycle and possibly the next because of travel, and then I got angry over taking the meds when in the very beginning I didn't want to. I left the clinic in a daze and wondering what the hell I was doing. My nurse called this afternoon and talked me off the ledge. She said everything was fine and I was right where she expected me to be at this stage. She said that at 10mm the follicles are nowhere near mature and we'll keep an eye on them and see which ones grow. She said she expects me to go for the IUI on Tuesday or maybe even Weds. I go back on Sunday morning for another sonogram and blood work.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Had the HSG today. It definitely wasn't a fun time and I'm not in any hurry to do it again, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. I kept hearing all kinds of horrific stories in the past few days/weeks, and every single person I came into contact with at the hospital went over the procedure and how much it hurts, so by the time the doctor actually came in, I was freaked the hell out. I brought my ipod so I could listen to some good tunes and keep my mind off what he was doing, which worked quite well, and to my surprise, it was over within one song.

Tubes all clear. Ultrasound, bloodwork and daily monitoring start on Thursday. My first vial of swimmers was shipped out today.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Arrived last night. I waited until about an hour before bedtime to spring what has been not happening. Their responses were exactly as I had predicted. I mean, I couldn't have scripted it better. I answered everything Mom was going to say before she could say it and pretty much ended with "the decision has been made. This is what I'm doing and the ship has sailed. Wanna read the donor information?"

I knew Mom would be nosy as hell about the donor and I figured it was a good distraction of sorts. To their credit they seem to have accepted that this is what's happening and while I do detect a hint of incredulity, there is also a hint of excitement. And they've already started thinking/planning how and when to come out here after I have the baby. I didn't tell them that I planned that all out too.

Ha.

**Edited to add:

I JUST BOUGHT 6 VIALS OF SWIMMERS! ACK! It's really starting to happen. No going back now...

Monday, August 30, 2010

I started cramping really badly last night and right before I went to bed I started spotting. This morning AF was in full force. YAY! Although I have been miserable. Bloated and crampy with heavier than normal flow.

I scheduled the HSG for Sep 7 (CD9) because with the weekend and holiday that was the earliest they would do it.

Tomorrow morning is my sonogram and blood work. I will probably start the clomid on Weds. I have reservations about the clomid because I have heard a lot of bad things about the side effects. I also worry about it causing ovarian cysts, but I'm probably being a nervous-nelly.

On the donor front: I have been looking and saving favorites at two banks' websites for some time now. And as donors get retired or have limited vials I delete them from my favorites and rerun my search criteria. I haven't ever ordered anything because I wanted to wait until I knew what the heck was going on. These things change all the time (availability of vials, donor status etc...) and I didn't want to spend the money until I knew I needed the swimmers for sure. Well, there has been one donor that I've had my heart set on for a long time. Initially he only had a couple of vials and I figured he'd be retired before I was ready. Last night, when I re-ran my search parameters, he popped up and this time he has over 25 vials! YAY! Except there's one problem. He's CMV positive and when I looked at my blood work (yes, I made the clinic send me copies) it looks like I'm negative. Damn. It. I am confused as to how on earth I could be negative. I have had chicken pox, shingles (yes shingles, at age 27) and cold sores. It makes no sense. I REALLY want to use him but I just don't know about the risks. I mean, no one chooses their mate based on CMV status. Hell, most people don't even know what the heck it is. So is it really that big of a deal? I wouldn't be so bent on this donor, except my criteria (which is limited to open ID, hair and eye color) only gives me a whopping total of 2 donors. I have a "back up" donor picked out at another bank, but I REALLY want Mr. CMV+ and I just don't know what to do.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I am actually okay with this for now, because if she showed up this weekend, it would have meant that TTC Round 2 would have had me needing to do IUI#2 the weekend I'm in California. Which wouldn't have worked. However, if AF would please make her appearance tomorrow (or even Tuesday) it would be good. Of course, I do know that IUI#2 could still end up needing to happen the weekend I'm out of town and cause me to skip a month, but at least the chances are slimmer now.

I have also pretty much decided that this cycle, I want to do two IUIs to maximize my chances, unless there's a good reason not to? Of course the doctor might have some say in it, but since I'm Captain of this ship, I'm going to make the calls.

I'm cool for now, just as long as that bitch Flo (the Aunt, not the Progressive girl) appears sometime this week.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

*edited 15 mins after originally posting* I am now very angry. Not at my sister, but at the doctors (irrationally) and myself. I got aboard the TTC train back in June and was really wanting to start then. I feel like I got yanked around a little by the doctors and the testing bs. And now, here I am on day 62 and still waiting around. I know (now) that there are things you can take and do to start your cycle and I'm angry that I had to call the doctor's office (several times) and still ended up waiting.

And I'm still waiting for my period. I should be the one who's pregnant and due in April. Not my little sister who already has a baby.

And I'm irritated that she's due first and if by some miracle I manage to get a BFP this cycle, I'll be due about 2 months later, which to my highly hormonal and irrational state, I think the focus and attention will be all about her and my poor kid will end up being the "afterthought." Even though I know that's not the case.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Today I'm 9 DPO, which means AF should be making an appearance this weekend. Yay! I have been cramping pretty badly this evening and it seriously makes me wonder if she's going to appear a few days early. Like tomorrow morning. I suppose this is a good thing. On one hand, it's great to get this show going a few days earlier than I thought. I have a plane ticket home for Columbus day which also happens to be right around the time I think I'd ovulate for round 2 if round 1 ends up as a BFN. If AF comes early in round 1 then this should push round 2 up a few days earlier as well and it wouldn't interfere with my travel. The downside is that it's a little early for AF and I'm paranoid that it would mean yet another problem.

I'm still mulling over telling my parents what's going on. They get here a week from tonight. I don't know why I don't want to tell them. I guess this is a big deal and we don't usually have big, awkward discussions about "Really Big Deals." I also suppose that I just don't want to rehash all the early crap I feel like I've gotten past and dealt with already. Add to that my mom's ability to be annoying with a gazillion questions and act like I haven't thought about anything. She also loves to blab our business to her "friend Cathy." She says it like that too. She and Cathy have been friends for at least 20 years, and she always acts like I don't know who Cathy is. *eyeroll* My mom is from Nebraska and says weird stuff like "I don't think this is appropriate for young ladies to see" (about sex scenes in tv/movies and referring to me and/or my sister), "oh EW! That's disgusting" (about gay stuff), she says "kee-you-pons" for "coupons" and sometimes she puts an "r" in words like "wash" and "Washington". She has lived in California for close to 40 years and still slips up on those.

Sorry, that mom vent came out of nowhere. Probably some stress related to the coming 14 days with her in my little 2 bedroom condo. I love my Mom, but most of the time I can only handle her in small doses and she'll go in one of two very different directions with this whole TTC thing. Dad on the other hand, will probably say something like, "awesome! It's about time you started doing something about that" and leave it at that. Dad is awesome like that; laid back and easy-going and whatever makes you happy. He's also the one who did some research on all the things that can happen/go wrong if you wait until age 35+ to have kids. You know, just to let me know. Silly Daddy, I'm well aware of those things.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Today is CD52. I've been feeling crampy and whatnot for the last two days or so and had this strange feeling of annoyance that I think I'm just now ovulating. Which wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that it's day FIFTY freakin TWO. When I got home from work a few minutes ago, I decided to pee on what is my 37th OPK this cycle, and what do ya know? It's positive. Woo freakin Hoo. Now I get to wait another two weeks for AF to visit (but at least I do know when now), which puts me right in the thick of all the testing and medication while my parents are here visiting. My biggest concern is how to hide the shot in the fridge, which will be impossible. They are like two bears foraging for food and waste no time molesting my fridge. This now means that I get to go all into the whole business with them because that's how they are. I was really hoping for a positive pregnancy test that would actually allow me to skip over all this testing/issues nightmare. I mean, how do you tell your dad you don't have a normal menstrual cycle? Weird.

The upside is that my mom can give me the shot so I won't have to stick myself.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

The weekend has come and gone and still, AF refuses to make an appearance. I don't even know what to think. This whole waiting-for-AF business is really screwing up my schedule for this cycle. I know, I need to learn to not be so impatient with things, but that's really quite impossible. It's just something I feel, and by the time I realize I'm being impatient and think "gee, I shouldn't be so impatient" it's too late. I'm already there.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Ugh, today was CD40 and still nothing. No positive OPK, no AF, no symptoms or signs of anything except some mild bloating that I noticed this morning. Maybe, just maybe AF will come this weekend. That would be nice.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I had my consultation with the different RE and I like him infinitely better. His body language was much more open and engaged, he had kind eyes and he's been a doctor longer than I've been alive. He reminded me of Dr. Huxtable lol. He listened to what I had to say, acknowledged my efforts and concerns. He gave me choices and then provided his professional opinion/recommendations and best of all, he smiled. He showed me the respect and support that I was hoping for. He also asked about my experience with the other doctor, and I told him exactly what/how the other doctor was cold and rigid. He sat behind his desk and faced his computer. He didn't engage with me and I didn't feel like he was supportive. I said that I was sure he was a great doctor and very accomplished and successful, but in situations like these, warmth and support go a long way. Especially when you're going solo and scared that something may be wrong.

Because today is CD32 and I still have not ovulated, we have decided for the next cycle (whenever that may be sheesh) that I will go on a low dose of Clomid and get in for an HSG. He said it was up to me to have the HSG or not, but he felt it would be bad medicine if he didn't recommend it only to have me waste a bunch of money and time and then ultimately find out something was wrong. I agree that something isn't right. 45+ day cycles is a clear indication that something's up. We talked about my fears, and the possibility/probability for multiples. He knows my plans, timeline and I left the office feeling very happy and relieved.

Clomid, HSG, Ultrasound, an HCG shot and then hopefully my fist IUI is the plan for now. Hopefully AF will pay me a visit soon.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Today is day 28 of my cycle and still no positive OPK. boo. So I called the clinic this morning and talked to the nurse about it a little. Bottom line is I should be starting a new cycle by now and not still waiting to ovulate, which I believe to be a sign of a potential problem. As much as I don't want it to be, two cycles in a row of 40+ days isn't right. She asked if I wanted to make an appointment to see the doctor and I said that I probably should. *sidenote: I'm not a morning person and this whole thing has me annoyed.* She confirmed the name of the doctor I saw last time and I flat out said that I didn't want to see him again and that I didn't like him. Then I felt bad about saying that so bluntly and apologized profusely. I don't think she was thrilled with me at that point, and said she would look to see who was available early next week and call me back. While I was waiting for her call back, I started looking for other doctors who would take my insurance and who were close by. I just wish these folks were a little more...compassionate? I don't know what I'm looking for. Anyway, of course there isn't anyone within my manageable radius. Since I've been sneaking out from work on my lunch hour to do this, I have to keep it close by.

Well, fast forward 2 hours and she finally calls me back. This time her tone was much better and she apologized for my bad experience last time and offered another consult free of charge with another doctor. She said since I had to come back in anyway, at least I could get that appointment free. I thanked her and set the appointment up for Tuesday. I snuck out and went over at lunch to have the hormonal blood work drawn so that the doc would have it by the appointment next week. Stick #2, although this one was virtually pain-free which was very nice. Stick #1 a couple of weeks ago hurt like hell.

Watch, I'll get a positive OPK tonight. Either way, there still is a bit of a problem with a 40+ day cycle.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Read this neato post about guilt. I wanted to link it here to share with everyone who may not have read it and so I can find it easily later on when I need to re-read it.

I've started the clean-out process in my spare bedroom (omg the closet is so full you can't even open the door!). I've been using this room as my computer/guest room, but it is going to have to become the baby's room eventually. I have a pretty sick geek setup and I'm struggling to figure out what to do with all my lovely toys. I have a 2br2ba condo which is perfect for me, but thinking about a little one in the near future has me wishing for 3br. It's not a big deal, two of us should be able to fit just fine. I just need to reorganize, redecorate and clean-out. I put an ad on craigslist for that big, beautiful monitor on the wall and have someone interested. He's supposed to come by tomorrow to see/buy. I think the majority of the other stuff is going to be split between my bedroom and the living room.

So, today was CD25 and still no sign of ovulation. OPK was a BFN and I'm very unhappy that this cycle looks like it's going to be 40+ days. Last cycle was 43 days, but the other 4 before were an average of 35. I do strongly suspect that I have an HSG and Clomid in my very near future. boo.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

I've been peeing on OPKs for a week now with no positive in sight. I also have not been having any physical symptoms and pretty much know I don't need to peeing on sticks but I do anyway justincase. I'm betting I won't get a positive until next week.

Saw this at the grocery store a few minutes ago. It was tucked away in the corner at the bottom of a shelf, half-hidden by a promo stand. I LOL'd for several minutes, and in those few minutes I wasn't thinking about the fact that I am on CD22 and still have not ovulated. Last cycle was 43 days and I'm afraid my cycle is getting longer. Anyway, here's to some microwaveable spotted dick pudding.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

So yesterday I went to a Choice Moms meeting. I picked up a few nuggets of information and some new thoughts. One of the guest speakers was a fertility doctor and I chatted with her about my experience with the RE last week. She explained the problems with having either too short or too long of a cycle and it started me worrying again. She recommended doing all the tests the RE suggested to make sure my tubes aren't blocked and starting me on Clomid to get me on a "normal" cycle. So after that conversation I had a terrible sense of dread and was fairly upset. But, by the time I got home and had really thought about it some more, I'm not convinced that I'm as screwed up as they (both docs) seem to think I am. On one hand I feel like I'm being stubborn and arrogant (I'm not a doctor, so what the F do I know?) but on the other hand I think a longer cycle is just normal for me. I could see if my cycle was messed up and fluctuated drastically like 30 days one cycle and 40+ the next or if I was skipping cycles, but it's really only a couple of days longer. Then I had the brilliant idea that maybe it's genetic. So I called my sister and asked what her cycle was like before she had my nephew (who is now 13 months old and so freakin cute I can't stand it). And what do ya know? She said hers was a little screwy and usually around 35 days or so. She also said that she had been off birth control for about a year before she got pregnant the usual way with her husband and no doctors. Before I talked to her, I was set on calling Nurse M and scheduling tests and clomid and all that crap, but after talking to her, I'm going with my gut and until I'm proven otherwise, I think I'm just fine.

So after that wacky conversation about ovulation and periods, we talked a little about "do you really wanna do this?" She also managed to channel our mother (which is never good) and hurt my feelings by saying I didn't seem very maternal. I zinged her back by saying she doesn't really know me and how would she know when we talk maybe 6 times a year and I actually see her twice, in a good year. Christ, what does she want me to do? I can't help that I have limited experience with kids. There just haven't ever been any around until my nephew came along, and I've only seen him three times since he was born, but I think I've been good with him. He loves his Auntie! When people from work bring their kids in, they gravitate to me like moths to a flame. Just because I don't show my maternal, sappy side often, doesn't mean it's not there. Sheesh.

I know Stevie wrote this song about her relationship with Mick Fleetwood, but this version and video are so beautiful, I thought I'd share it. I will definitely be playing it for my pregnant belly when the day comes.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Had my first appointment today. I was all kinds of nervous because I had no idea what to expect or what was going to happen. I ate my lunch in my office and then snuck out. I was a few mins early and I had sent the registration paperwork ahead of time along with the blood work from my last fit for duty physical.

I have to admit, I was not impressed with the RE. After about 15 mins in the waiting room, one of the receptionists came out and brought me back to speak with the doctor. He was reading through my information (which I had emailed) so he was pretty focused on his monitor. I was expecting him to address me and maybe try to get a feel about what I wanted, how much I had researched, how much I know and how I felt about the whole process. Again, it was my first visit and I really had no idea what to expect, I just hoped that it would be like that. He pretty much went through a mental checklist about the "natural method" and the "monitored method." I got the distinct feeling that he did not want to me to do the "natural method" where I monitor my cycle and take OPKs. Instead, he launched right into what he called the "monitored method" which involved ultrasounds, clomid, hysterosalpingogram (HSG) etc... I stopped him and said that I was only 31, my eggs should still be good and I have no reason to suspect I will have difficulty conceiving. I'm not interested in taking clomid or any other fertility drugs until I have reason to need them.

I also can physically tell when I ovulate (most of the time). I cramp, I notice the cervical mucus, I notice the change in my acne etc... but he seem very skeptical about that which also annoyed me. My cycle averages about 34-36 days (and it varies depending on stress levels and what I have going on in my life) and he was pretty hung up on my cycle being too long and the possibility that I'm not ovulating. I don't even know what to think about that, I'm not a doctor but I didn't think it was that bad. It put me off because he didn't even want to see all the charting and stuff I've been doing and I felt like he was coming out of nowhere with that. I have been meticulous about tracking my cycle and have been able to successfully pinpoint ovulation using physical signs and OPKs. But maybe he's right, and those tests aren't that reliable and I don't ovulate. I guess I'll find out soon though. I think I felt like he was a too dismissive about my efforts. He also told me that success rates using IUI is around the 10% range, and I could swear that I've read that someone of my age and health averages success in about 3-4 tries with IUI, so that didn't seem to add up to me either. Of course, I could have read faulty info.

I finally told him that it would be much easier for me to go to a bar and pick someone up and do the deed the old fashioned way. But I want to do this right, and responsibly and at this point all I really need/want is someone to place the swimmers in my uterus and let nature take its course. So he said for this cycle, I am supposed to monitor and take OPKs and then when I get a positive OPK to call my nurse so I can schedule a progesterone test to make sure I actually did ovulate. Which means I have to wait until next cycle before I can even think about my first IUI. Boo.

My nurse (Nurse M) was pretty cool though and was totally into my charting and all the preparation work I've done. She was much more positive and understanding. She agreed with me about not needing to start off with the "monitored method" given my age and great health. She went over what the doctor "ordered" which is the progesterone test and a bunch more blood work which I had done this afternoon. She was happy because I offered to let them run all the disease and typing blood work today and she didn't even have to ask. She gave me a packet for the cryobank with all the forms they require and said she would be the one I'll contact when I get the positive OPK.

They are a little concerned with the chem panel and CBC I had done last August. My glucose was a little high and the doc wanted to redo it. Since that is a test that I have to fast for, I suggested I wait until I need the progesterone test and do it then. Nurse M liked that idea so that's the plan.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

So my boss has been dropping hints all over the place that he thinks I'm thinking about having kids. It's strange. One of my confidants told me that he has a heck of an antenna about those types of things and that he was super supportive and crazy excited when she got pregnant (which was several years ago and they were in a different unit). I asked if she had spilled the beans to him and she said no, but that when she first came to the unit (before we even met) he was telling her about everyone and mentioned something about me not having any kids yet, but wanting to. I swear, sometimes I think my clock is ticking so loudly everyone around me can hear it too!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I spent yesterday bumming around the house kind of bored. And because not 10 mins go by anymore without me thinking of a baby, I started questioning my decision. I think a lot of it is because it is so hard to imagine being pregnant and having my own spawn running around. I think I was a bit lonely yesterday too. It's rare that I actually feel lonely (or bored for that matter), but I have been feeling a little off-kilter for a couple of days now. It's probably due to all the stress. Between The Big Decision and the work drama that is going to explode on Tuesday, I think I've been thrown for a bit of a loop.

This afternoon I went over and checked out the gigantic thrift store that's close to my place. I don't know where I got the absurdly crazy idea that I could find some perfectly good, barely used baby items in that shithole. *shudder* It's been a long time since I've walked into a store that smelled that bad, and I couldn't believe how filthy everything was. There is no way in hell I would EVER put anything from that place on my child. Calling it a Thrift Store is awfully nice. It should have been called "Things The Dump Wouldn't Take (TTDWT)."

So after my terrible excursion to TTDWT, I headed on over to Target. Target is the place to go when I need an extra ounce of baby-confidence. I was terribly disappointed in their "maternity" department. Seriously. I counted a grand total of 5 pairs of jeans, 4 styles of dresses (I don't wear dresses), a couple of frilly shirts and bathing suits. That's it, that's all they had. Finding maternity clothes for work (do they even make maternity suits?) on a budget is going to be an interesting adventure.

I made several passes through the baby isle, where I did a lot of "ooh that's neat" and "nah, I won't want that." I also spied a beautiful bassinet that I thought would go great in my bedroom, but then I saw that it's only good for up to 15lbs, which, if my family history is anything to go by, my kid will outgrow that thing in the first month :(

I bought a box of the cheapo OPKs and a box of the expensive fancy digital ones. I had some of the cheapos at home already and figured I could use them until I get what looks like a positive and then use the fancy digital one to make sure. I should have enough to get me through two cycles. I also bought some tampons and had quite an internal argument with myself about how it makes no sense to buy getting-pregnant stuff and i'm-not-pregnant stuff at the same time. It just felt odd. I also eyeballed some prenatal vitamins but thought I should wait and see what the doc advises this week.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I just made the first appointment at the fertility clinic and am scheduled for next Thursday. This is the consultation appointment. I would presume that after this appointment, it's going to be a matter of charting my cycle and peeing on sticks to pinpoint ovulation. I need to pick up some ovulation predictor sticks.

I have narrowed down my donor choices to a top 5. Of course, they may change a little this evening when I get home and look again. The top two are selected though, so it's going to depend on the vial availability. Cool thing is that the cryobank is co-located with the fertility clinic so there won't be any shipping or waiting for the swimmers to arrive.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

In light of my increasing stress over not having a support group, I searched for something close to me and came up with a big fat goose egg. There doesn't appear to be anything near me for SMCs. Which I find to be terribly odd. I know the DC are has got to be full of professional, single women who are in my shoes so to speak. So, I took it upon myself to create a meetup group. Let's hope it's a success.

So here it is, the end of June. Summer is in full swing and I am still thinking and pseudo-planning this whole having a baby thing. I keep going back and forth about timing. I like the idea of having the baby before the hot summer months (who wants to be 8-9 months along and miserable in the heat?), and I feel like May is a great month for a birthday. Mine is in May and I've always loved that time of year. It's not too hot, fresh fruit is in season and kids are still in school which allows for good birthday parties. Of course, this means getting pregnant sometime in August. August is not that far away.

I heard a great quote the other day. I think it was on Grey's Anatomy, and it was something like: Q- "When is the perfect time to have a baby?" A- "There is no perfect time. If you wait for the perfect time, you'll never do it."

A big part of me wants to just stop thinking about everything and just do it. Just call the doctor on Monday and tell her I need that referral to the fertility clinic and make the appointment. Just go get inseminated after this next cycle and que será será!

But then, I think about the timing, the money, the complete lack of support and assistance I have here and I feel like a dope for even thinking about doing this so utterly alone.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Well, I've been off the pill for two cycles (they were 37 & 36 days) and I've really seen a pattern in my cycle which is promising. I had my OB/GYN appointment this afternoon and it went well, everything is in the right place and looks perfect. I like the doctor and would be happy with her as my OB. We talked briefly about my baby plans. She strongly advised giving my cycle several months to work itself out.

Doc also seemed to be awfully confident that I would meet "The One" sometime in the near future. I didn't want to get into all of that because we would have been there all day. I didn't tell her, but I did give dating one last shot in Feb-March, and it didn't really go well. I went out with several people and even liked a few initially, but quickly uncovered a lot of behaviors/immaturity that I did not like and don't have the time or patience for. I honestly like being single and really have no desire to deal with all the drama of a relationship. I certainly am not going to put my plans on hold in the hopes of finding someone, only to still be single and family-less by the time I hit 40.

This is such a daunting process and it is really a huge decision. In some ways I resent all the people that it just happens for. They don't have to make these decisions the same way and most people don't have any awareness on what a big deal this is and how life-changing it is.

I'm going to take the Doc's advise and wait several months and see how my cycles go.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Over the weekend, I was wandering through Target and ended up in the baby isle. For the first time, I REALLY felt the overwhelming desire to have a baby. I was surprised at how strong it was and the thought that maybe I wouldn't ever have a baby made me very sad.

I'm no longer worried about "ruining" my body and am not all that worried about labor and delivery. I mean, women have been having babies for eons, there's no good reason why I can't.

So, today I decided I don't want to wait so long to start trying to get pregnant. It doesn't seem like such a crazy and impossible thing for me to do anymore. I looked at my leave balances and figured that I could manage getting pregnant earlier than I initially thought. I also looked up an OB/GYN and called and made an appointment for a pap and a preconception exam. I made the appointment for March 29 so I can have time to get some good cycle charts. I'm thinking of starting the insemination process sometime in May/June. It all depends on my cycles really.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I've mentioned before about having concerns about using a donor. I have been scouring the web looking for some positive input from actual children of donors. I had started to get concerned because I was finding a lot of negative reactions. The common thread is always about the child feeling like they are incomplete because they don't know half of their heritage. I am happy to say that I came across this webpage with some very positive stories: http://www.fertilitystories.com/donorthoughts.htm It certainly alleviates some of my fears and concerns to know that there are sperm-donor children out there who are grateful for the lives they've been given.

I have also decided that "ID Option" donors are the way to go (they can be contacted by the offspring when they turn 18) and the child should always be told the truth about their origins. Details aren't necessary for a toddler to know, but as they get older and ask specific questions, honesty is the only way to go. I was also thinking that maybe this blog could be something to offer up in addition to the donor information packet once they turn 18 and want to know about their conception.

A huge factor in these decision for me is the age of my parents. My Mom will be 57 this week and my dad will be 60 this summer. My Dad's father died at 64 when Dad was 24, grandma died when I was 10 at 73 but was in bad health for many years. Mom's dad died when I was 3 at 60 and grandma is still around, but has alzheimer's and lived across the country until last year. I grew up without grandparents and I can tell how much my parents regret not having their parents around when my sister and I came along. I don't want that for my children. My parents want to be a part of their grandchildren's lives and I desperately want my children to know how wonderful their grandparents are, and I want my parents to have good, quality years with the kids.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

So tonight is the last night I take The Pill. AF will come for a short visit this weekend which will be the beginning of my cycle charting. I am very curious to see how things work out and am a little bit nervous. The fear is that something will be wrong or that I have abnormal cycles which may require extra consideration.

I couldn't sleep the other night and had a (minor) worrisome thought. I don't eat vegetables. At all. I have never liked them and my parents weren't too forceful about eating the wild and crazy kind. We usually had frozen peas and carrots which weren't too bad to deal with. My sister likes carrots so she'd eat mine and then I could just swallow the peas whole like pills. As an adult, I just avoid vegetables and had never thought much about it. I wonder now how can I get my child to eat them when I don't, and is there really any work around for eating vegetables? Fruit is a whole different story. I love love LOVE fruit and can't wait until I can have a yard where I can grow fresh fruit.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

One of the biggest issues I have with the single mother by choice idea, is the lack of a daddy for my kids. I grew up in your typical mom, dad and a sibling home. I am very close to my dad and we talk several times a week. He is the best dad anyone could ever hope for and I miss him terribly. I cannot imagine life without him, and I know that I wouldn't be anywhere near the independent, confident and capable person I am without his involvement in my raising. So, the idea of my children not having the same experience breaks my heart. I don't even have kids yet and I already feel guilty and sad at the idea. During all my web surfing, I have seen a lot of negative things about donor children after they've grown up and how much they resent being brought into the world the way they were. I would really like to find some positive information/experiences but I either don't know where to look or there aren't any. I also have serious trepidations about when the child grows up and tries to locate half-siblings and the donor, and how much of an issue it seems to be. The thing I keep hearing (reading) is that these kids grow up feeling like they're missing half of themselves. It disturbs me greatly and I don't know what to think.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

So today I looked through my health insurance coverages. Basically, they cover your standard labor and delivery (which is good) but they do not cover any fertility treatments (not so good). Every year I put just enough money to cover my monthly b/c prescription and an office visit or two into a flex account. I did a little research on what that account will cover and am happy to report that if I decide to start the TTC process this year, I won't have to worry about not spending my flex money. I can use it to cover any ICI, IUI or IVF procedures and I can even use it to buy OPKs and pregnancy tests! I only put $520 into the account this year, so if I start the process late in 2010, I can use it up and contribute a whole lot more to cover things for 2011.

I am considering how much time off I'd want to take and have been looking though my annual and sick leave balances and trying to project how much time off I'll have on the books at different times during 2011. Barring any unforeseen illness or vacations, by June 2011 I should have a total of 766 hours of (combined) leave. Depending on the time of year (not incl. holidays) 16 weeks off would use 640 hours. This basically means the absolute earliest I could start any insemination activities would be in September this year. Of course, the balance is not counting any leave taken for doctor's appointments or trips home.

I think ideally, I would like to be on maternity leave between late August 2011 and January 2012, which would give me some leeway with the time off, add in a lot of holidays, and allow for an extra cushion of leave so I'm not burning through it all. This means, I would need to get pregnant sometime after November 15. I will be eligible to try to find a position near my family in January 2012, so this looks like good timing.

Of course, I know there can be a hundred different wrenches thrown in my plans. But I'm just thinking/planning for now.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

So this is my first blog post. I suppose I should start with a little about myself and why I decided to write this blog. I have been scouring the internet trying to find someone with a story similar to mine and I've found one or two here and there, but I notice they focus primarily on just the conception part of the process. I was hoping to find something about the decision-making process, but haven't had any luck. So, I thought I'd share my story for those out there who are going through the same thing. I know you're out there, and I hope I can offer some support.

Well, here goes...

I will be 31 in four months. I have a very small family consisting of a mom, a dad and a sister 3 years my junior. I have an aunt on my dad's side who is 11 years older than my dad, and an uncle on my mom's side who is really not a part of our lives. My sister is married and had her first baby (the first one in the family) in June 2009. My sister's husband is adamant that she have as little to do with our family as possible so that translates to "we're not close." I currently live on one coast and my family lives on the other. I have two years left here and then I can move back there and be closer to my parents which will be able to provide some support (not financially! I'm just fine with the money). I'm hesitant to wait to start trying until I get back near my family, because I'll be approaching 33 at that time and I know the process can take a long time. My thought is to do all the early-stage stuff now and maybe start with actually TTC in a year or so. Having an infant without anxious grandparents nearby at least for the first couple of months greatly appeals to me. Anyway, I digress...

I have had a very busy life so far. I never really thought of marriage as a possibility for me and frankly have never had the desire or met anyone who changed my mind about it. At this point in my life, I am happily single and well-established in my career. However, I am very aware of the shelf life of my little eggies and the prospect of growing old alone with no family. In the last year or so I have done quite a bit of research and internal debating regarding motherhood. I've looked at adoption and weighed the pros and cons. I know that I need to start planning now and make some decisions about what I can/should do before it's too late. I know I still have some time and I'm not really in any hurry to do anything right this very second, but I also don't want to do like so many others before me and wake up one day going "oh sh*t. I'm 40 and I didn't think about wanting kids!" An additional consideration and thought I have is that I would prefer to have two children to balance out the family dynamic, which means I need to have the first one at an earlier age in order to have the second one by my no-later-than age of 38.

So, as of today this is my plan:
- Next week is the last week of my Yaz birth control. I'm not going to get a refill. I moved last year and still haven't found a new doctor to get the script reauthorized. Might as well start trying to purge my body and get my cycles in order. I've been on the pill for about 13 years so I'm afraid I might have problems.
- I bought a basal thermometer this afternoon and will start charting my cycle when it starts to see when (if) I get a regular cycle and use it to evaluate the potential for any problems.
- After about 6-8 months of cycle charting, I'll start looking for a doctor to get a checkup and maybe a fertility work up.