And Finally, We’re Done — Even the Sex is Getting Old

Previously on “24” we found out that Jack’s evil, nutcake loony father, Phillip, is alive, well, and has opened a circuit board repair shop for the Chinese. He’ll repair the Russian software if the Chinese bring him Josh, his grandson.

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No worries Josh, it is just that when Grandpa gets a little tired he tends to point guns and threaten the president.

This leads to an assault on CTU headquarters where Jack’s colleagues are — pick one — shocked, unprepared, or ineffective. (Ha. It’s a trick question. They are all three.) Jack is taken hostage, the bad guys get Josh, and I don’t think Jack will ever get out of this one.

3 a.m. to 4 a.m. — Having made a run for it, Josh turns himself in when the leader of the assault threatens to kill his mother, Marilyn. Josh is taken into the custody and is told he’s being taken away.

This leaves us a few minutes free for Marilyn to do a standard, “24” female hysterical freak out. Let’s just say that someone in the writer’s pool has a few “issues” with women.

When Marilyn finishes screaming, rolling her eyes, and shouting nonsensical questions, the evil leader divides everyone into two groups. He calls them “Group One” and “Group Two.” Why he does this is a puzzle, but you have to give him full marks for organization.

Jack and Nadia are in “Group Two,” which is too bad because I totally think they could have made “Group One” if the choosing had been fair. Jack whispers to Nadia that he’s going to try something and she should be ready and Nadia whispers back something like, “Okey-dokey.”

Which is when Chloe comes up and whispers, “What are you guys talking about?” It is such a good line that I think it wasn’t even in the script. I think the actress playing Chloe just looked up, saw them talking, and walked up to ask.

At any rate, the foolish evil guys give Jack an opening and he does some sort of Kung Fu thingie to incapacitate the nearest evil guy. Nadia does the same. At that point Morris decides to jump his guard and turns out to be . . . The worst. Hand to hand. Combat. Fighter. Ever.

As Jack and Nadia are take out one hapless evil guy after another, Morris occasionally waltzes through the scene riding on his guy’s back or hugging him and walking backwards. Honestly, we’ve seen more threatening moves on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Anyhow, Jack almost has Josh rescued but, darn the luck, the evil guys slip off with him through the sewer tunnel. Josh, who has inherited his mother’s keen analytical mind, goes with them, but peppers them with penetrating questions like: “Who are you? What do you want from me?”

Josh is taken to Cheng, who puts him on the phone with his grandfather, Jack’s dad. Jack Daddy is even worse than we thought. He wants Josh so they can start a new life in China. Josh, however, finds this unappealing and points out that the last time he saw Grandpa, the kindly old codger put a gun to his head. Bygones, says Granddad.

Jack follows the trail through the sewer — and I believe that’s all we want to hear about that — and pops up just as the Chinese are taking Josh away. Jack fires wildly and pointlessly, which would have had no effect if the Chinese hadn’t conveniently decided to stop and have a gun battle.

And you know who wins those. Jack shoots nearly everyone (this does appear to mark the return of his famous self-loading gun, by the way) and runs after Josh and Cheng. Somehow he manages to grab Josh, but lose Cheng, leaving him to ask Josh about Grandpa.

“I think he’s out of his mind,” Josh says.

No worries Sparky. All grandkids think that from time to time.

Back at CTU, another in an apparently endless series of officious, arrogant, and pig-headed replacements has shown up to take over the operation. This one is all those things and also does a nose-scratch thing every time he says something officious, arrogant, and pig-headed.

Nadia basically tells him he’s an idiot and he says he’s got to check CTU security, since it seems like it is a mess. And after six seasons of moles, counter-agents, and Kim Bauer, it is pretty hard to argue with that.

Meanwhile, back at the White House, Karen Hughes is being brought up to speed by Vice President Noah Daniels, whose lockjaw, mutter-yelling is starting to grow on us. He admits that his former assistant, Lisa Miller, was helping the Russians, although not intentionally.

Which is odd, because she was also canoodling with Noah, and why was she doing that if she already had a boyfriend at home? But we digress.

Chief of Staff Tom Lennox is over at Lisa’s apartment, watching Lisa-TV on a hidden camera. Lisa and Bishop, her squeeze, have taken a moment to make the sign of the double aardvark, After a great deal of huffing and puffing, they finish, leaving Tom to say, “And finally, we’re done,” in a voice that is equal parts exasperation and disgust.

Again, such a good line I don’t even think it was in the script. Just a natural reaction to a scene that went on and on and on.

Lisa gets up, tries to get Bishop to fall for the old fake-message-on-the-PDA trick, and when he doesn’t starts hitting him with a wine bottle, a lamp, and accusations. Bishop chokes her into unconsciousness, but Lennox is there with a team. Frankly, he’s a little slow off the mark, but hey, as he tells the VP, things happened too fast.

Lennox forces Bishop to send the fake message to the Russians, which is fine except that the ploy hasn’t worked once in six seasons of “24” and doesn’t work here either. The Russians get wise to the plan, and threaten to attack a U.S. military base if the Americans don’t find the circuit board “in two hours.”

Which, in an eerie coincidence, happens to be how much time is left in the show.