June 30, 2006

What's the common factor?

Get serious

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting... For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but she didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there. But for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still said nothing. After a couple minutes, though, she started digging in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.

Kosher computers

I don't know if you know this, but they are now selling kosher computers (made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. They're selling at such a good price I bought one and it arrived yesterday. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

June 29, 2006

Kids!

Retirement bonus

The Navy decided that it had too many personnel, so it decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officers would be allowed to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked away with $96,000.

The third person was a noncom - a grizzly old Master Chief. When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Master Chief insisted on doing it his way and they decided to go along with him - providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

So the medical officer arrived and instructed the Master Chief to "drop 'em." Then the medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Master Chief's penis and began to work backwards. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Where the hell are your testicles?"

Cube-solving robot project

Robots that can solve a Rubik's cube puzzle aren't new, but this page has a pretty interesting link to a YouTube video showing one in operation. It was built by 3 students (undergrads, I assume) at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor.

Wireless security system

How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish.

Leave a note on your front door that says something like, "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they're a little edgy."

NEW BEDFORD, Mass. --A former special education teacher who faked cancer and collected $37,000 in donations, which she later spent on a vacation and jewelry, was sentenced Thursday to two years behind bars.

A tool-building factory factory factory

This snippet comes from a post titled Why I Hate Frameworks at Joel Spolsky's Joel on Software site. If you're in the software dev business, it will have you in stitches.

So this week, we're introducing a general-purpose tool-building factory factory factory, so that all of your different tool factory factories can be produced by a single, unified factory. The factory factory factory will produce only the tool factory factories that you actually need, and each of those factory factories will produce a single factory based on your custom tool specifications. The final set of tools that emerge from this process will be the ideal tools for your particular project. You'll have *exactly* the hammer you need, and exactly the right tape measure for your task, all at the press of a button (though you may also have to deploy a few *configuration files* to make it all work according to your expectations).

Ratatouille

Mallards

While at a local public garden, there were two male mallards engaging in amorous behavior with each other in one of the water features. My spouse and I looked at each other and we both knew what the other was thinking.

5 fingers

Surviving Hell

A little out of season but I take 'em when I can get 'em.

Ole and Sven are tragically killed in an ice-fishing accident and they end up in Hell. The devil stops in and sees them dressed in parkas and mittens, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

Ole replies, "Vell, you know, ve're from nordern Visconsin, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance to varm up a little, you know."

Later when the devil returns to the room of the two guys from Wisconsin, he finds them in T-shirts, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The devil is so furious he can't see straight. Finally, he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. So, the devil decides to turn off all the heat in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 40 below zero. Every soul in Hell is shivering something awful. Icicles are hanging everywhere. The devil smiles and heads for the room where Ole and Sven are and he finds them back in their parka and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded. "I can't understand. When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What's wrong with you two?"

Ole and Sven looked at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don't ya know? If Hell is froze over, dat must mean the Packers yust won a game."

We could use some spackle... Over...

A dark and stormy night

I got a message purporting to contain This Year's Winners in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest at San Jose State University. But that message had the 'You lied!' earmark at the end and I'm pretty sure it's bogus. This year's winners will actually be announced sometime next month (July '06).

Last year's winner was Dan McKay of Fargo, ND with this:

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.

All that said, here's what was in the message I received -- which was pretty amusing.

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

June 20, 2006

Special delivery

SONGYUAN, China -- Qiao Yubo, who is pregnant with at least five babies, walks with her husband, right, in Songyuan, in China's northeast Jilin province. Qiao, who is 1.67-meters tall, has a waistline measurement of 1.75 meters, five months into her pregnancy.

Peugeot time-waster

Mars and Venus redux

I don't know where Rob found this tale (and I doubt that it's true) but I agree with the prof: it gets an A+.

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor with the University of Phoenix.

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send a copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending a copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

"Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must on lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Squirrel magic

Lawyers and light bulbs

This is one of the best lawyer jokes I've read in a spell. And, believe it or not, I found it in a piece of trackback Spam. So the spammer gets an A for effort (but s/he still doesn't get a trackback).

Panexa

Credit where it's due

It's been an interesting week at the Club For Growth blog, where Andrew Roth's been tracking Congressman Jeff Flake's (R-AZ) amendments to the Transportation and Treasury appropriations bill.

Rep. Flake's amendments were intended to trim pork from that bill, such as an earmark for $500,000 to renovate a swimming pool in Banning, California. So first of all, a major shout-out to Rep. Flake. Great work, Congressman.

These amendments came up for a vote on Wednesday and 46 House members voted for them - so they failed to pass. But I was very happy to see my representative -- Todd Akin (R-MO) -- on that list. So a second shout-out to him: Good job, Mr. Akin.

Changing focus for a moment, here's the winner in my personal Hall of Shame for the week: Rep. Jim Moran (D-VA). According to the Arlington Sun Gazette:

If Democrats win back control of the U.S. House of Representatives in November, U.S. Rep. Jim Moran said he would use his position in the majority to help funnel more funds to his Northern Virginia district.

Moran, D-8th, told those attending the Arlington County Democratic Committee's annual Jefferson-Jackson Day dinner on June 9 that while he in theory might oppose the fiscal irresponsibility of “earmarks” - funneling money to projects in a member of Congress's district - he understands the value they have to constituents.

“When I become chairman [of a House appropriations subcommittee], I'm going to earmark the shit out of it," Moran buoyantly told a crowd of 450 attending the event.

Great! A congressman who understands the value of earmarks to his constituents -- that's just outstanding. Now, how about the value of our taxes to rest of us taxpayers, Mr. Moran? Think you can find a clue about that?

At least some of the folks in Congress seem to understand the First Amendment. As they put it in their letter:

While many rightly criticized the McCain-Feingold bill for banning TV and radio ads within 60 days of an election, what justification is there to prohibiting any communication costing over $1,000 that mentions a congressman's name in any medium, 365 days a year, if done through one of these independent citizens' groups?

Pretty good question, eh? Should we let Congress continue to outlaw criticism of its members? That one seems like a no-brainer to me.

World Naked Bike Ride

Here's what the Wikipedia page for WNBR sez:

The World Naked Bike Ride is on...

It's time to put a stop to the indecent exposure of people and the planet to cars and the pollution they create.

According to the United Nations, close to a million species of plants and animals could disappear from the face of the earth in the next 50 years as a result of greenhouse gasses being released primarily from motor vehicles.

On 10 June 2006 over 53 cities across the world experienced the naked joy of the world's largest naked protest against oil dependency and car culture in the history of humanity. Many cities also ride again on 12 March 2006.

We missed this year's ride, but you can find the WNBR site here. And you can find an collection of photos of the San Francisco event here (definitely NSFW).

At least eight department heads were facing suspension, said the newspaper, which also published a letter by the group of officials protesting the decision as unlawful.

"We all thought we had completed our company obligation and contributed to the success of the ceremony," the letter said. "We were only thinking of our family back in Hanoi, the kids and the wives waiting."

A company official said, "No one has been laid off yet but they have to criticize themselves for not participating in collective activities."

Weekend reading 17

Everyone's favorite A-list target, Robert Scoble, announced the unthinkable a few days ago: he will be moderating his comments. But what some people found far more disturbing was Robert's wish to make a change in his life that includes steering clear of "people who were deeply unhappy" and hanging around people who are happy. The harsh reaction he's gotten could be a lesson in scientific ingorance, because the neuroscience is behind him on this one.

Whether it's a good move is up to each person to decide, but I've done my best here to offer some facts. [...]

A few things I'll try to explain in this post:

1) One of the most important recent neuroscience discoveries--"mirror neurons", and the role they play in a decision like Robert's

2) The heavily-researched social science phenomenon known as "emotional contagion"

3) Ignorance and misperceptions around the idea of "happy people"

And, sort of tangentially related to Ms Sierra's post, I found an interesting post at Cafe Hayek by Russell Roberts called Fake Science on Rage:

Here's how the AP story begins:

To you, that angry, horn-blasting tailgater is suffering from road rage. But doctors have another name for it — intermittent explosive disorder — and a new study suggests it is far more common than they realized, affecting up to 16 million Americans.

"People think it's bad behavior and that you just need an attitude adjustment, but what they don't know ... is that there's a biology and cognitive science to this," said Dr. Emil Coccaro, chairman of psychiatry at the University of Chicago's medical school.

I love that phrase: "there's a biology and cognitive science to this." It's scientific, don't you see? It's not just a matter of vague concepts like anger, or self-control. It's part of your biology. Never mind that the the phrase has no real meaning.

But how would you actually diagnose this disorder to make sure it's a disorder rather than say, merely an attitude or an immaturity?

Update: (Sundy, 6/11)
Having just finished Stafford and Webb's book Mind Hacks yesterday, I was interested to read the final chapter in which they talk about mimicry, mirror neurons and, in particular, how to Spread a Bad Mood Around -- it's one of their section titles. That chapter seemed to back up some of what Ms. Sierra had wrotten in her post.

Then a quick google led me to the Mind Hacks blog where I found a post about the very same study that was mentioned at Cafe Hayek. Here's the take at the Mind Hacks blog on that study:

Having 'uncontrollable' angry outbursts meets the criteria for "intermittent explosive disorder" - a diagnosable mental illness. According to a recent study, 7.3% of Americans could be diagnosable within their lifetime - that's 1 in 14 people.

The diagnosis just seems to describe people who have occasional and extreme angry outbursts that are out of proportion to the stresses they experience.

No wonder diagnostic manuals get a bad name when behaviour within the normal spectrum (even if it is only displayed by a minority of people) is pathologised as a 'mental illness'.

I suspect this reflects an increasing attitude than unless something is defined as a 'mental illness' people can't be offered help for their problem, or perhaps, won't be willing to seek assistance.

This post provides links to an article in the New Scientist and to an abstract of the study itself.

June 08, 2006

How to convert a bear

Rob sends this highly amusing lesson in Comparative Religion:

A Catholic priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They'd all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they were all together again discussing their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had various bandages, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Now that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God! he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire-and-brimstone style he told his story. "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from GOD'S HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with ME. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, Father, then he was as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, with traction, and with IVs running into him and monitor leads running out of him. He was in very bad shape.

The rabbi looked up at them and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

A well-mannered lad

Sticking with the urinal theme, we have this one from Steve R:

During one of her classes a teacher was trying to teach good manners. She asked one of her students this question. "Michael, if you were on a date and having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute I have to go pee," Michael replied.

The teacher responded by saying, "No. That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Peter? How would you say it?"

Peter said, "'I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to use the word 'bathroom' at the dinner table," replied the teacher. "And you, little Johnny... Can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"Sure," Johnny said. "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'"

Pumpcast news

June 07, 2006

Careful what who you eat

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," the HR rep told them during their entrance briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I am satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "no".

After the boss had gone, the leader of the cannibals said to the others "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader said to the guilty person. "For four weeks we have been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But no-o-o-o -- you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"

June 06, 2006

Stress test

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study of a test group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it meant that the person was experiencing a great amount of stress.

Look at the photograph carefully and if you find more than one or two differences then you may need to take a vacation.

Serious flotsam

Steve R -- Mr. Plane Guy -- forwards this image of a tail fin from an F-14 Tomcat that was found washed ashore in Ireland. The US Navy confirmed that it's from a plane which crashed near Florida 3 1/2 years before.

A familiar face?

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't imagine how she recognizes him. So he asks, "Do you know me?"

She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."

He thinks back to the only time he had ever been unfaithful and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made out with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

Boppin' bugs

June 03, 2006

Peer-to-peer is finally here

I've been biting my figurative tongue for over a year now, waiting for the time when I could write a post about this. The CodeWritinFool (one of our regular contributors) and his partner J.R. (another regular) are ready to release some software they've been working on.

What is it? Well, it's a peer-to-peer backup program that they call BackUpStream.

If you spend any time at all thinking about how to back up your disc drives, you'll realize that peer-to-peer backup is a really neat idea. You can arrange your back-ups to be offsite at a friend's house -- or at several friends' houses -- without any of those monthly charges you'd pay for a "network backup" service with the same (or fewer) features. And you can reciprocate by letting your friends back up their drives to your machine(s). All you need is a network connection and BackUpStream.

"Collaborative back-up" is the concept in a nutshell.

Or, if you're interested in enterprise-type use, BackUpStream lets you get off-site backups between different office sites, or between home and office, and so on.

What I particularly like about BackUpStream is that I can run it on different machines on my LAN at home and have them automatically backed-up to each other on a regular schedule. At a time when hard drives come with 1-year warranties, a good back-up is just as important as ever.

Another nice touch is the wizard-like approach to backing up application data files. Want to back up just your e-mail files and your Excel spreadsheets? BackUpStream will find those on your drives and take care of it.

Naturally, there's a whole list of other interesting features - including great security. They've put a lot of time and thought into how it works. But rather than list those features here, you can read them for yourself at BackUpStream.com.

Check out the free trial version. BackUpStream is a nice piece of work and I think it will do well.

Internet Help Desk

One bad pun

...deserves another. Here's a worthy follow-on the the Sinko de Mayo story.

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, which is served in a lidded, cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look into the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

WMD

For those who may have missed Part I, the aim of this project was to build a completely custom-built computer case, out of stainless steel, that would look like the sort of atomic bomb that one sees in spy movies or on TV shows like 24.