"No, no, a thousand times no!" he cried in despair, knowing all the while he had 997 more no's to go.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Actions and Words

This seems to be a topic coming up the last few days. And as I await more aid, (someone already sent something, but I could use more for this move), I thought I'd look carefully at what's happened the last few months.

When I first blew a gasket over my brother's behavior, I had an invested feeling about my move to TN. It was supposed to be something that was good for me emotionally, physically, and financially. Thus, when things fell apart, I became understandably upset. Then my beloved friend, Siege, stepped forward and offered me a place to live. (I stress that last word for a reason.) I've spent the last few months since that offer to wait for the other shoe to drop...and I'm pleased to say I'm still waiting, and believe it'll never happen.

It's been over two months since Stu demonstrated that my money was more welcome in TN than I was. Since then, he has seemingly vanished, not just from my life, but my father's as well. Why? Well, I can only make educated guesses here, but I'm assuming he hasn't called my father because he has no excuses lined up. What was supposed to be a good thing for both of us went south when my brother decided "greed is the creed." He's in hiding because he can't reasonably explain why he treated me the way he did. Everyone - EVERYONE - knew I was to be paying rent when I moved in with him. Everyone knew the set price of said rent. And when I reported that my expenses were climbing beyond that, everyone involved scratched their heads and wondered, "WHY?" My father and step-mom couldn't understand it...at all.

So Stu is likely dreading that he'd get "a talking to" from my father, not realizing that my father has already brushed the incident aside. "Come on, Rob...Stu just got a part-time job. He's probably busy, trying to get things arranged to care for his son while he and his wife are working. You don't really think he's hiding, do you?" If his life is hectic, it's his doing. Relief was supposed to be on the way in the form of myself, and he tossed me aside. And had he not kicked me aside, I assure you that he and I would be on the phone at least once a week, for hours at a time, discussing the move. The only explanation for his silence must be that he knows he was in the wrong, and now can't face those who were in the right. His actions, or lack thereof, speak volumes to this concept. He screwed up. He doesn't know what to say or do to fix it. So silence prevails from his corner of the world.

Meanwhile, in another reality, my move to KS is becoming a dream come true. I was on the phone with Siege just the other day when I was told appointments had already been made for me with doctors. "Wait...What?!? You made doctor appointments for me?" Indeed, Siege had made them...in advance of my arrival in KS. My off-hand response was an immediate, "I love you!"

This is why I used the term "my beloved friend" earlier. I'm...I'm not used to someone caring about ME! That is, I know plenty of people care about me, and many have shown me a great deal of love since I became known at GitP...It's the contrast between what my brother was doing and what Siege is doing that is throwing me for a loop. Everything Stu discussed with me was about possessions, about cost, and about time utilization. Everything Siege discusses with me is about...me. It's like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone. I'm so accustomed to being treated like a burden that I just don't comprehend this idea that I just might deserve to be treated like a person.

Now that I am no longer emotionally invested in a move to TN, I am viewing my brother's actions with a bit more clarity. Well...perhaps not. My ideas of what happened are certainly being tainted by the welcoming attitude that Siege is giving me. And it would seem that Stu's actions completely lack any merit whatsoever. Months before hand, he was shouting at me that he and his wife wanted me in TN. This message was shouted at me after I made a crack about my money being more welcome...and I think in retrospect, in that moment, Stu saw I might back out, eliminating the financial aid I would bring to his family. He tried to cover with the words he thought I wanted to hear. Alas, when someone is lying, they usually can't maintain the lie for long. Either they let something slip in conversation, or their behavior betrays them. Stu was caught in his lying when he couldn't resist talking about money for this, and money for that, or money for the other thing. And the moment I tried to discuss a reduction in the money department, he lost it. Really, no matter how I view it now, it still resembles a fit thrown by a kid who has his favorite toy taken away from him.

And, ohhh, how it must have been having to face his wife after the fact. According to Stu, she was the one pushing for more and more money. "Ummm...Darling...? Sweetheart...? About that money my brother was going to be bringing into the house..." Yeah...The cost of their satellite TV must have seemed a bit heavier in that moment. And the payments being made on their cars...the payments for the 42" plasma screen TV he has in the living room...the idea of buying a new computer in the near future...All of these things, and numerous others, went out the window when my brother chose not to discuss things with me. It was his way or the highway. And up until that moment, I'd been a "yes man." Now I am a "highway man." (Figuratively.)

As my step-mom said, better it should happen before the move than after.

Moving in with Siege and company...Well, that's become a completely different story. I mean, the money was discussed at the start, and seems to have fallen off the radar completely since then. Now the discussions are about making doctor appointments, making sure I'm comfortable and fed, seeing that I have things to do with my time...I can't help but wonder if Siege and Stu are from the same planet.

Hmmm...Maybe Siege was rocketed to Earth as an infant, just like me. =P

There is an important distinction to be made, however. Things are still being discussed. It's still "all talk." Just the same, the act of talking is of a different sort. Stu: "Money, money, money, money, money." Siege: "You, you, you, you, you."

Y'know...I'm gonna official adopt Siege as some family member or another. Maybe...a cousin. (*wink*) Meanwhile, the actions and words of my "beloved" family are very different from that of my truly beloved friend. And all of this is a perfect example of why it remains true that actions speak louder than words.

About Me

Forty-three-year-old engaged male who often moans and groans about the insane drama that is his life. People seem to think I'm a superhero using the persona of a disabled individual as my secret identity. The truth is that no one in their right mind would want to see me in tights. =P