When I escaped my abusive family, I did so with a few items packed away in a backpack and a few hundred dollars for a rent deposit.

It wasn't that I wasn't working. My mother demanded that I give her access to my bank accounts under the auspices of managing my money. By the time I even realized I needed to leave, she had drained more than $7000 from my bank account.

But that didn't stop me.

I sold most of my possessions to get the money I needed for a rent deposit. I opened up a secret bank account with the help of an older guy I was dating. Then, when none of them suspected anything, I took my remaining things (which fit in a small backpack), and I left.

Here's what I wish I knew back then. I relay this in hopes that it will benefit someone else.

Be prepared to cut off your friends.

If I'd had a dollar for every time someone said "Oh, but your abuser looks so normal!", I would have eaten more often back then.

The people who are currently in your life have bought the lie your abusers perpetuate. It's likely that they wouldn't have been allowed to stay in your life if they didn't buy it. Some of them may be oblivious, some of them may just be lying for your sake, and some of them may believe you once the full story gets out there, but a lot of people you care about will take your abuser's side. Some of those people may be folks you considered your "ride-or-dies."

Cut out anyone who expresses doubt about your abuse. Do it on the first offense. It's better that way.

Go subscribe to some "cheap-and-healthy" recipe blogs. They may save your life.

Don't try to survive on ramen. You'll end up with some expensive health problems. Healthy food (like curry!) isn't that expensive, but malnutrition can land you in the emergency room.

If you're a student, try to set aside library time. You will not be able to study in your apartment.

That shitty, inexpensive student apartment you rent is probably right next to other shitty, inexpensive student apartments. A lot of students living in shitty inexpensive student apartments like to use the money they save on living expenses to throw loud parties, which means that you'll have to learn how to sleep through Kanye songs pumping through your bedroom walls at 4 in the morning. Studying is going to be next to impossible.

Take it from someone who knows: Even sound-canceling headphones don't stop that shit.

Buy a bed before you buy any other furniture.

Note that I said a bed. Not a sleeping bag, not a couch, not an inflatable air mattress, not egg crate foam, but a bed.

The sleeping bag won't be comfortable enough to allow you to sleep for long periods of time. The couch will only be marginally more comfortable, as will the egg crate foam. The inflatable air mattress isn't meant to be used over long periods of time, and it'll pop if you're particularly active in your sleep (like, say, people with PTSD might be).

Yes, they can help you find counseling if you've been sexually assaulted (in some states - in mine they have a list of free or low-cost sexual assault counselors).

Yes, they can help you coordinate HRT if you're trans.

And if you live in an area with a large enough population, you probably have one nearby. If you don't, you likely have a Planned Parenthood within a thirty to forty-five minute drive (which seems like a long way, but is less daunting when you realize that cancer screenings on average cost over $200 at your local clinic). Go once a year for cancer screenings, once every three months for STD screenings, once a month if you're having lots of casual sex or are part of the LGBT community.

If you're a young, broke person and you're having sex with people, you should go to Planned Parenthood. Period. (Hell, go if you aren't young and broke, they could probably use the income.)

If you're single, try not to date for at least six months after you leave.

You're probably going to be broke AF, and your potential partners are probably going to be alarmed at how broke you are. It's just a fact of life.

Six months gives you time to settle down and stabilize, which will allow you to form more stable partnerships and will allow you to have a less alarming living space. It'll also give you time to talk to your roommates about what they want from you.

It may be rough for a few months, but leaving is not a mistake. It's the best decision you could make for your future and your happiness.

I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders the minute I left, and that happiness only grew.

You're scared right now, and that's a totally legitimate feeling, but even the worst case scenario is better than living in a home with someone who isn't safe to be around. Don't doubt yourself. Don't second-guess your decisions. Prepare, of course - make your safety nets before you leave - but don't make so many preparations that you keep yourself stuck. Learn to differentiate between anxiety and genuine danger. Make the leap if you have to.

MysticMania 43

Thanks for putting this together, it's so scary taking steps to leave when you know you're going to be uncomfortable. I second your points about planned parenthood; they're a godsend.

One thing I noticed was living among college students who party loud every night (while I'm quiet and reserved) is that it wreaked havoc on my well being. One way I was able to get around that was seeking out like-minded people in college and moving into a place with them. It cut that period a lot shorter than it could have been and made for a healthier environment.

Also, this may be obvious to a lot of people, but learning how to budget accurately helped me a ton. /r/personalfinance has a great wiki on how to get started. It's really easy to get caught up in the day to day and lose track of where your money is going, and it took me a few months before I realized I wasn't saving enough for the long term. Eventually, having substantial savings helped me after I graduated from college because I could take an opportunity to move out of my small town and start a career elsewhere.

ActualRefrigerator 14

Seconding the recommendation of Planned Parenthood. After I moved out I had no health insurance for years and couldn't afford to go to the doctor unless I was really sick and had to, but thanks to PP I still got my annual cancer screenings and such.

blackteadiaries 13

TMI time here, but Planned Parenthood treated me for a uterine infection. Without the ultrasound they gave me free of charge, I would have died.

concretesnowflake 12

I've never had to be in your situation. But I think your advice is really good and sound.

grendel-LA 11

Wonderful advice!

PattyIce32 11

17th months NC here. Can confirm this is a beautifully written, concise, helpful and spot on guide to getting out. Every part of it. Thanks for creating it and sharing.

Yiskra 9

Another good recipe blog (easy to find her on Pinterest) is Budget Bytes. She breaks down costs and knocks off at home versions of lots of foods. Often talking about ways to help lower sodium. Not all of the recipes will work for someone just starting out, but she's got a lot there.

Doglin 9

Cheers to you & everyone else making the leap. I'm 9 months escaped.

Let me emphasize this: do not give up.

It will be insanely hard. If you were like me & so desperate to escape you decided to flee the country, know that it will be hard.

There are ways to make friends though that you should know of.

First, "friends & foreigners in XYZ" Facebook groups. There's one of these in several cities around the world (if not all). You don't have to be a foreigner, simply be a nice person & you can make friends.

Second, Reddit actually is a good way to make friends. I'm currently in Bulgaria (American here, long story) and posting on the "Bulgaria Subreddit" is how I made several friends!

A simple, "hey yo I'm new here, this is me, wanna hangout," will do the trick. You'll meet some cool people.

Use common sense, be extra cautious ofc.

Also actively search for groups that fit in with you. Join yoga, arts, athletics, whatever it is, search for a group online. They exist. Even try out stuff you're not so interested in- you might meet people in other things and expand your interests/friends like that.

Practice social skills & self-confidence. I'd say there are two main struggles when it comes to fleeting your home.

This doesn't fix any emotional trauma, but eating healthy gives you more energy & "feel-good" chemicals to tackle the past emotional trauma.

It sounds crazy for me to put this here, but if you're reading this, odds are you suffer from anxiety, depression, CPTSD, PTSD, or some other mental thingy (I've had all of these and more).

While you're overcoming emotional trauma, it's critical you eat healthy. There are books you can read for free in bookstores (if in the USA) and videos free online.

For example, added sugar & flour are expensive and extremely detrimental to your health. By eating very healthy (ie. nuts, fruits, veggies, healthy meats) you can save $ but it pays off mentally as well.

I'm very interested in science, and conducted a self-study on myself. I tracked several variables during the day, and also reported results at the end of the day. For example, "how was the diet quality 1-10," and "how depressed were you 1-10."

What I discovered is that poor diet is the #1 factor when it comes to reducing mood. For people that grew up in a healthy environment, it may not affect them so much.

Simply put, when you've been raised by narcissists, you're more prone to sugar addiction, and you're also more susceptible to negative effects from eating poorly. Eat right to increase your energy + mood so you can tackle.

2) Isolation

When living alone for the first time, isolation is going to be the hardest thing to overcome.

I'm going to assume that you're like me & when moving out still probably terrified of people, so you'll probably live alone. If you are getting roommates, be careful.

I've never had roommates, too scared to, always live alone, but even if you have roommates this applies to you.

It's critical to get out & make friends in your new city. Follow the previous advice given.

Practice confidence challenges. For example, compliment one person per day for 30 days. There are little things you can do like this to show you that the world isn't a dangerous & scary place, and most people are good.

My last bit of advice would be to figure the money situation out. There are tons of ways to make more money that most people are blind to. There are ways to save money most people don't realize.

I'm 9 months escaped and there's been no better decision made in my life. Sometimes I hear noises in the night and I roll over, ready for a fight. I still tip toe. I still have flashbacks.

But I'm healing. I've realized that. I wouldn't have healed if I wouldn't have escaped.

So please, escape. It's the best thing you'll ever do for yourself. It'll sting, then moments of joy will begin coming.

The good moments in my life are gettign longer & longer.

I commend everyone for making this jump. YOU CAN DO It!!!!

Much love <3

sethra007 1

!RedditSilver

TheChewyDaniels 7

This is a very thoughtful and well put together post. Thank you!

After going NC with my Nmom (maybe BPD maybe NPD she’s a mix of both really) I had to endure a few years of crippling poverty, lack of basic essentials, and insane stress but looking back on it...it was all worth it. At first I questioned if all the hardship was worth it but seeing my younger sibling who continued to live with my mother well into adulthood...she is a hot mess, can barely function in society, and likely has developed a personality disorder of her own. I’m not super successful or anything but at least I escaped a terrible situation despite my Nmom putting up every possible road block to my escape and independence. Personally, I consider that pretty impressive and I like to pat myself on the back for that when I feel down.

turbochickenkiev 7

A really excellent summary - you've done really well. It would be so easy (and understandable) to be overwhelmed to the point of being unable to do anything. When I first got away from my N's (back in 1998) I actually made myself homeless and ended up in am hostel for 6 weeks! It was horrible but gave me the impetus I needed to find a small bedsit of my own. Once I did that, I could start to breathe and heal.

nhelpthrowaway 5

I'm a 19f college student trying to get away from my nparents. They're both emotionally abusive and manipulative and my father used to be sexually abusive when I was a late-child to when I was nearly 18.

I have a boyfriend I can stay with but he's in another state and more importantly, I have trouble convincing myself that the situation's bad enough to leave in the first place. I'd have to contact with the rest of my family because they're either similar or would never believe me. How did you guys work up the courage to leave?

blackteadiaries 5

In my case, I left because my mother brought my abusive stepfather back into the house we shared. He threatened to kill me and my ex-fiancee because I had been "corrupted" by her lesbian wiles. I knew then that he would never let me live my own life so long as I still let him have power over me.

I guess the only question I have is, why are you afraid? Are there legitimate financial or logistical issues, or are you afraid of change? If you legitimately need time to get the finances together, don't leave. If you're just afraid of change, just "take a vacation" and then decide whether or not to make it permanent once your head's clear.

nhelpthrowaway 3

It's a bit of both actually. I'm also concerned about how to save money to leave because my parents insist on having my banking information and regularly "borrow" from me (with no intentions to pay me back, but I'm expected to help support them).
But yes, a good portion of it is just a fear of change and a fear that I'm somehow not entitled to leave.

blackteadiaries 2

Ally Banking allows you to make a banking account online, fwiw.

woundedwerewolf 2

Simple is a good online bank too, with a great app and great envelope-system style budgeting tools

just_play_one_on_tv 1

GreenDot, too!

wheredoigonow90 2

I know it's hard, but at 19 you're a legal adult who can revoke banking access whenever you like. Some ideas:

Open a new account your family doesn't know about and ferret your money into there.

Leave and revoke their access to your accounts. If you're scared about leaving, it may help to get clear on the exact numbers to get out. A few hundred bucks to rent a room? Less, if you spend a month or two with friends?

If you stay with your parents, they'll bleed you try so you can never leave. At a certain point, you'll have to take the leap either way.

-SADGIRL- 1

Fear, anger. Realizing the danger I was in. Realizing the trauma my life has been.

I just filled my trunk with essentials and left. Went to a hotel for three days, in that time found a friend to crash with, now looking for a job.

If anything I wished I took time to prepare. If I’d do it over, I’d spend time saving money, finding work, packing, researching to make sure I don’t overlook anything. Finding friends who are there for be in advance.

unapetunia 5

Well said.

LalloCaro 3

This is gonna be really helpful for me (especially the thing about dating, not gonna lie). Gonna save this post for later :)

Just one more thing I think y'all should know: In some Planned Parenthood facilities, they provide hormone therapy for trans and nonbinary people. I was really happy to find out that they provide that service, even though I personally won't need it anymore.

Absolutely. (Sorry! I work internationally, so my sleep schedule is absolutely messed up.)

Thinkytuscadero 3

Read about abusive relationships. Read about warning signs. Set boundaries. This is important because the toxic family messages about “what you deserve” (nothing), “who you are” ( a piece of garbage), and “what you should be doing”, (sitting at my feet apologizing and serving me) can control you.

Sadly, predators can spot your vulnerability and exploit it. Be careful and alert in personal and work relationships. Don’t be ashamed of having boundaries and standards. You are a worthy person who deserves the best.

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Sometime when you leave, your Ns decide they aren't going to leave you in peace. This book can help you watch for warning signs and put protections in place. You can see de Becker discuss some of his concepts here.

karlove2003 3

Excellent advice! I stuck around until I finished my degree and she made every single day HORRIBLE. I wish I had the balls you did. I’m 33 and my last straw was 6 months ago. Today was a glorious holiday as I didn’t have to pay homage to the most evil person I know.

SagebrushID 3

I second the advice of waiting at least 6 months to date. Narcs and s'paths are on the hunt for vulnerable people like us. Same goes for anyone wanting to be your BFF right away - proceed with caution.

Thankfully I didn't find anyone. I just had lots of undesired, casual sex with men I didn't love or find particularly attractive.

JSLardizabal 3

I am 33 years old and currently trying to get my own apartment. The first five have already been taken, and the 6th and the 7th are still available but contested, and I'm waiting for the respective landlords to approve me.

I've had to buy my own car from my cash reserves and a lot of new clothes, but it's been the happiest I have ever been for the past 13 years.

starfishwishez 2

This post is awesome! My little brother just moved in with me, and I've been trying to give him advice on how to eat well, so thanks for the link to the blog!

throwawayacct5962 2

Thanks for the extremely helpful post. I'm already out, but I saved it because there were a lot of helpful tips. I'll be moving out of my student apartment in 3 months, hopefully I will have a full-time job by then (jesus christ i've been looking for one like mad), but I'll be starting basically from scratch. I've already been having some struggles with eating healthy on a budget and the sites you posted look like a good resource. Unfortunately I am pretty useless at cooking, I only know how to make a few simple things, but I would like to learn more so hopefully I can find some beginner recipes on there.

I know that this probably sounds dumb, but I didn't actually realize that the STD tests at planned parenthood were free. I don't have any symptoms but I also haven't been tested in 3 years and I've had several partners during that time. My only income is a part-time job, do you think that I would be eligible for free testing?

Yes, absolutely! Though there were a few other comments that should also be highlighted. Can you do that, or?

HiiiiiiPower 1

Thank you for the Cooking on a Bootstrap link! Food has always been a difficult area of life for me. I went NC about 9 months ago, and money has been tight since I'm 19 and I'm just a student.

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