What Would Billy Shakespeare Think?

COMMANDER COCONUT

February 16, 1996

I have a love-hate relationship with nicknames.

On the one hand, I was perfectly willing to use a nickname for a kid I had in my homeroom when I taught school: His name was Precious Memory, but we got to call him Presh. (How I wished his mother would show up for parents' open house, so I could ask her about that conception; she didn't.)

On the other hand, I much prefer Elizabeth to Lizzie, Margaret to Maggie, Sandra to Sandy and so forth.

With the movie Richard III opening today, I got to thinking about ''what if monarchs and conquerors were known by their nicknames,'' so that we would have the following:

Dick the Lionhearted.

Alex the Great.

Queen Vicki.

Queen Betty.

King Jim.

King Ed.

Queen Bea.

Bill the Conqueror.

Hank VIII.

The College of Bill and Mary.

Cathy the Great.

And would Rebecca have been such a stunning novel and movie if she had gone by Becky?

I don't think so.

I told you Jeff Bridges wouldn't get an Oscar nomination for Wild Bill.

But here's my biggest gripe with the Oscar nominations, which were announced Tuesday: Why did those voters nominate a dead actor from Italy no one ever heard of and pass over a live American icon, John Travolta?

Clueless.

Still, I haven't seen the dead actor, name of Massimo Troisi, in his Oscar-nominated role in The Postman, and I'm sorry he died, and I bet he's really good in his movie (which I will try to see this weekend if this cold doesn't have me down by then).

But as I always say, can't these foreign actors in foreign movies have their own awards and stay out of ours? Not that I blame the actors or the foreign countries - it is, of course, the fault of the completely clueless Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which, if you ask me, is taking that ''arts'' part of its name way too seriously.

It's only movies.

OK, they are an art form.

OK, where was I?

Oh, yes, the Academy.

Those fools are what is wrong with everything.

They're going to be the ruin of the world as we know it.

Not counting the foreign-film category (and how the academy picks those nominees needs serious attention), the documentaries and those short-film categories, 32 movies were nominated for Oscars this year.

I've seen 23 of them, and I plan to see three of the others.

So I'm going to do my ballot now.

Best picture: Babe.

Best female actor: Susan Sarandon, Dead Man Walking.

Best male actor: Sean Penn, Dead Man Walking.

Best supporting female actor: Joan Allen, Nixon.

Best supporting male actor: Kevin Spacey, The Usual Suspects.

Best director: Mike Figgis, Leaving Las Vegas.

Best song: ''You've Got a Friend in Me'' from Toy Story (written by Randy Newman).

Anyhow, did you realize that the nominees in three of the major categories are all getting their first nominations in those categories? Pretty wild, but the directors category and both supporting actor categories feature all new nominees.

Further, I don't know what the clueless academy actors have against Jennifer Jason Leigh, who was ignored again this year, despite having been named best female actor by the New York film critics.

Meryl Streep's nomination for The Bridges of Madison County is her 10th, which puts her in elite company. Only four other actors have 10 or more nominations: 12 for Katharine Hepburn and 10 each for Bette Davis, Laurence Olivier and Jack Nicholson.

With Kathleen Quinlan's nomination this year for Apollo 13, there are now four nominated actors in Oscar history whose last names begin with Q. Can you name the other three?

Here is another amusing little test for you, regarding Oscar nominees' last names. There are three last names that claim five nominees each over the years, more than any other names.

One of those names claims a nominee this year, Ed Harris. Can you name the four other Harrises nominated for acting Oscars? Can you also name the five Jones actors and the five Moore actors?

Help, here come the organizer-book people. They're everywhere, even in malls, airports and Publix. They have these big thick books and tote them to meetings - where they write down the times for other meetings, and when they get to those, they write down more meeting times, I suspect. Anyhow, I was going to knock one of those people over the head just to see just what is in those books. I'm betting it's just meeting times and doodles. And I'm betting the organizer-book people are next going to show up at our homes and force us to take meetings with them, at which we will set up times for more meetings.