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Thursday, September 22, 2011

Morning Cocktails = Wedding Prep

Today ends my work week and begins true wedding hysteria, well for me anyway. There isn't a single doubt in my mind that my sister has been hysterical for weeks now. I know this because when I called yesterday to make some confirmations, she and our lovely mother were having some drinks and greasy home made fries... before going to lunch. There are three times where all of this is acceptable before the lunch hour is met.

Vacation
My mom technically isn't on "vacation". For the sake of my blog we're going to call it vacation because she's been there all week, not sleeping in her own bed, to take part in what is to be a fun event. So really it's like a Sandals resort without sexy cabana boys and umbrellas in the drinks. Oh, and it's Ohio. So, Mom... if you're reading, I don't want to hear anything about how you need a vacation for at least like, oh I don't know... a year maybe. You can have one in the spring to come and help me try the wineries when I get moved. Yay you... now get back to work it's way past cocktail time.

She's really a working girl this week. Her task is to help my sister prepare for the wedding this weekend. Mom will manage the check list and nod dutifully when asked a question to which my sister already has an answer but simply wants confirmation. When things go wrong, she will be the voice of reason. It is for this reason that she is allowed morning cocktails (specifically while I am at work which makes me sort of jealous and sad). There really isn't a better way to cope with this job than to get a little numb and a little silly.

Periods of high stress
My sister is most certainly at this point right now. As she does everything in her power to make sure that this goes off without a hitch, she will certainly need a bit of comfort food. It is also important to note that the comfort food will dull some of the effects of the morning cocktails. If the fries weren't included, both mom and daughter could very well be spending the afternoons in a vodka induced nap. Not much gets checked off the list when you're napping.

Cocktails also prevent the person who is under the stress load from exploding into a manic rage and accusing every single person around them of sabotaging the event.

There are 6 kids being melded into a single family with this wedding. There is bound to be a little drama, a lost shoe or two, someone who can't find their earring, and at least one person who can't get the zipper on something to work. If all six make it through the ceremony Saturday without threat of being sent to the closest orphanage, I will slip them each a fiver and buy everyone a hooker. Okay, I don't know where to buy a hooker or I'd have found a damn date for this shindig. I'll buy everyone a milkshake instead.

Saturday
There's no particular event needed. You don't have to have PMS, be menstruating, getting married, fighting off a major illness, or under a ton of stress. You've made it through the work week and that in and of itself is cause for celebration. Go ahead and have your bloody Mary for breakfast with bacon and eggs, follow it with a tequila sunrise for brunch, a clam digger for lunch, a nice Redbull cocktail for an afternoon snack, and a martini for dinner. While you're at it, throw in some cheese curds, a plate of nachos from Chili's, and some southwestern egg rolls for good measure. You deserve it.

Tomorrow I will land in Dayton at approximately 1 PM. I should be reconnected with the Fam about 30 minutes later and met with a nice cocktail of my own. While I'm looking forward to the whole thing, a big part of me is more convinced than ever that I would prefer to elope. So, Mr. Right if you exist, if you're reading this, what do you think about a quickie wedding and a kick ass honeymoon? Or maybe a kick ass beach wedding and honeymoon? How about next week. I'm free.

Azra, I love my family, but I'm sure we're not everyone's cup of tea. It might be easier to just get married first and introduce everyone later. LOL We should find you someone hot to stalk. That has to be more fun than me considering hiring a gigolo to be my date. haha

I really did think about hiring an "escort" a couple of times. My mother (bless her now departed heart) would always tell me "Feel free to bring someone" to her annual Christmas shindig. Now don't get me wrong, the Cuban cab driver I had the quickie with last weekend was fun, but bringing him to Mom's christmas party was out of the question. I needed respectable. Where do you find that? I tried several bars, but the guys were all too wasted.

Have fun at the wedding. I personally have had enough weddings of my own to last me a lifetime. I almost prefer a good funeral at this point.

When I got married last year, we went all out (for us) and I planned everything myself. Biggest.Headache.Ever. I'm not sure I would ever do it again. Although the wedding was fun and we got to share it with friends and family, I secretly believe we should have spend the "way too many thousands" on an amazing vacation.

About Me

I write but not for money... that is unless you want to pay me. I specialize in snarky observations and cynical yet hopeful romanticism. I am currently writing a DIY book on how to derail your own life. I have a follow up instructional guide on how to relate to all the wrong men for women who weren't able to completely derail their lives with book one. Look for my work at Barnes and Borders.