couples

There's a general wisdom out there that sex only belongs to the 'honeymoon stage' of a relationship, that after kids she loses desire and he just has to put up with it - the inevitable result of being in a long-term, committed relationship! In fact, a passionate, adventurous and satisfying sex life is not only achievable but really important for couples at any stage of life! There are, however, many things that can get in the way of intimacy, and it is wrong to assume that they will just sort themselves out over time.

There's a general wisdom out there that sex only belongs to the 'honeymoon stage' of a relationship, that after kids she loses desire and he just has to put up with it - the inevitable result of being in a long-term, committed relationship! In fact, a passionate, adventurous and satisfying sex life is not only achievable but really important for couples at any stage of life! There are, however, many things that can get in the way of intimacy, and it is wrong to assume that they will just sort themselves out over time.

In your relationship - who has more influence? Do you allow your partner to win you over, persuade you to change or soften your point of view? Are you able to look for common ground, rather than insist on your own way? Are you scared that if you accept your partner's influence that this might mean you're weak, a loser?

It is perhaps not talked about enough, but many people actually respond to distressing events by experiencing post-traumatic growth - that is, they may become stronger personally. They may say things like "I wouldn't ever have chosen to go through that painful break-up with my partner, but because of it, I have changed in some powerful and profound ways". I think an unfortunate aspect of being human is that we often don't make changes until the level of discomfort and stress in our lives, for whatever reason, compels us to do so!

"Love, Desire and Obsession" is the evocative title of a National Symposium, happening in Melbourne in March 2011, and hosted by the Australian Assocation of Relationship Counsellors. It is a 2 day event, featuring international as well as local presenters. Speakers include Judith Siegel, Associate Professor at the New York University School of Social Work and author of several books about marriage and relationships; and Christopher Clulow from the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships in London.

Have you ever wondered what gets 'lost in translation' between you and your partner? Why your attempts to express your love and caring may seem not to be noticed or valued? Why your requests to have your needs met may appear to be falling on deaf ears? We can be very different in what we need to feel loved and appreciated. For some of us, affirming words are what it takes. For others, it may be when our loved one spends time with us - both quality and quantity time! For some, it is when their partner takes the trouble to buy a gift that they feel truly valued.

Often when families and couples come to counselling, they have become very focussed on the problems they are having. They've almost completely lost sight of the things they are doing well, and of what's happening when the problems aren't around. They've certainly forgot to acknowledge and notice the strengths and resources they have separately and together, that have got them through tough times before.