I was browsing through my pile-o-fail the other day and thought to myself; “You know what I haven’t looked for recently? Twitanic fics!”

Because sometimes my brain really, really hates me and wants me to suffer. So why should I suffer alone?

For those of you who are newcomers in the Library, “Twitanic” is a name that numerous fanfic authors have given fics that blend together that town bicycle of fics, The Twilight Saga, with the 1997 film Titanic. This one is the fourth such fic I have worked on. The fics are completely unrelated, yet the exact same title keeps popping up. ‘Tis passing strange, it is.

This particular Twitanic is quite short in comparison to all of the others I’ve worked on, just a quick little oneshot to slake my thirst for this strange little side-fandom and give me a chance to wear my History Nerd hat. Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?

Edward and Bella catch a ride on the Romantic Titanic for a Honeymoon right after the wedding in Breaking Dawn. They have a wonderful time till disaster strikes! Can Edward save Bella from the freezing Atlantic Ocean? Please R&R!

I don’t care if you tack “romantic” on to the name, if you call your cruise ship “Titanic” then you are just poking the hornets’ nest of fate with a sharp stick made of your own hubris. Unless this is the original Titanic, in which case – Wow. You aren’t do a very good job establishing the setting or time period, since the wreck and the wedding take place decades apart from each other and you’ve done nothing to link them together.

Unlike the authors of the previous two Twitanic fics, this author doesn’t attempt to write a period piece. That’s a slight point in their favor, as period pieces require far more research than most fic authors are prepared to endure. What it lacks in anachronisms it makes up for with a completely new set of problems created by bringing the Titanic plot into the modern era, coupled with a delightfully rambling and incoherent narrative that could bore a dead man to tears.

To the fic!

First up, let’s take a look at the fic summary.

Based on titanic but different.. Alice and Jasper meet and fall in love on a ship.. but an arranged marriage forces them apart.. better summary inside, rated M just in case

I’m confused. What part of this barebones scenario is different from the Rose-Cal-Jack triangle from the source materials?

I’m here with yet another chapter of the snooze-fest that is Twitanic: Blue Eyes. I wasn’t looking forward to this chapter, but then Shinobi-san brought me several tankards of Taco’s Awake Sauce and now everything is much more interesting. I haven’t blinked in over an hour, but it’s a small price to pay.

:slurp!:

Let’s see what my notes say about the last chapter;

:flips through notes:

Boring, dull, nothing much happens. I doodled a picture of Twilight Sparkle about halfway through. The bulk of the cast is off chasing demigods so of course a group of demigods shows up and predictably attacks Nessie after she thoughtfully isolates herself to make it easier for them to do so. Nessie in turn bites the OC Cora, who is quickly turned into a sparklepire and easily adapts to their vegetarian way of life. There seems to be hints of a romantic subplot between Jack and Cora, as befits his status as a Stu.

Me neither, but I’ve already wasted most of the day’s allotted writing time with a marathon of Generator Rex, so I might as well do something at least partially productive now.

In the first portion of the chapter, Magic Alice Ball had a vision of the demigods marching towards Forks. This freaked out everyone, since there is some kind of trap baited with Rose and Jack in Forks now, so most of the characters were put on a bus to go hash it out with these demigods after an awkward “flirty” scene between Leah and Jack.

Returning to finish out the chapter with me is my sweet baby Gumdrop.

Ghostie have squirrels?

Sorry, fresh out – but the ninjas and I have worked out something you’ll like. You have to be good until the end of the chapter, though.

I’m here to serve up a new chapter of Twitanic; it is so very, very long and so very full of fail.

So was the last chapter, come to think of it. Unlike the last chapter I am going to divide this one into parts. The suckage is just too dense.

So what was the last chapter about? As is par for the course for these rambling fics, the author took many words to say very little; Leah climbed in through Jack’s bedroom window, there was some awkward flirting, she discovered how he died via the web’s most reliable information source, Wikipedia, and there was a meeting of the two packs where Sam acted like a complete douchenozzle while announcing that Jack and Rose weren’t real people and Leah tried to tear his throat out for daring to threaten her precious zombie.

I’m back with another one of the “new” chapters from Twitanic. It’s much, much longer than most of the previous chapters – longer than even the first chapter – so let’s get right into it.

Oh, but first – the recap!

It was kinda-sorta extremely confusing as Jacob more or less dropped a steaming info-dump on Jack.

Ummm… I should probably rephrase that.

In a rambling narrative that does a complete reversal before the end of the chapter, Jacob doesn’t tell Jack anything only he does but just not about the imprinting business. Or something like that. It was a clusterfail, whatever it was.

As a nice treat, this chapter begins with an Author’s Note – the first in eight chapters. Let’s see what the author has to say.

:reads AN:

Standard apology for taking so long to update, thanks for all the reviews (six in total) and so forth … Wait, what’s this?

Also, I hope I’m not pissing anyone off because Jack is kind of depressed,

I’ve returned with more of … this, and today marks the beginning of the author’s newest chapters. As I previously pointed out in Chapter 5, the author has done some major restructuring in some areas that don’t really mesh well with the earlier version of the fic.

So what happened when last we met? Rose arrives at Casa del Cullen and is introduced to all the sparklepires. Before she is able to find out how she is supposed to prove that she and Jack aren’t a threat even though they are zombie assassins send by the Lord of the Dead, shirtless Jacob arrives to let everyone know that Sam has blown off their little meeting in favor of attacking the lone zombie sulking on the couch. Skip over to the zombie house, where that very thing is happening. Leah attacks Sam, and holds him off just as the sparkle squad arrive. It is then revealed to all the wolves that Leah has imprinted on Jack, conveniently saving his life. The chapter ends with Bella, Edward, and Jacob, all shirtless, following Rose into the zombie house where a thoroughly confused Jack waits.