Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Skyrim: A Journal of War - Chapter Thirty-Four: The Bitter End

From The Saga of Matthias The Bather, Written By Sven

With the peace between Stormcloaks and Imperials settled and The Blades sent back into hiding, Matthias did journey to Dragonsreach to begin the difficult business of trapping a dragon. Armed with the shout of summoning given to him by Paarthurnax, he did call forth the ancient dragon Odahving. After a battle which lured the wyrm into the great porch of Dragonsreach, the trap was strung and the dragon was bound...

Odahviing: Zu'u bonaar. You went to a great deal of trouble to put me in this... humiliating position.Me: You have NO idea. And yet, this is nothing compared to my honeymoon night. Talk about humiliating...Odahviing: Ha! You mean to slay me with laughter, Dragonborn? Me: No. I don't mean to slay you at all. I want information. Nothing more.Odahviing: Oh-so? You see Alduin, to end your conflict?Me: In a word, yes.Odahviing: He is beyond your reach, Dragonborn. Even now he replenishes himself, devouring the souls of the dead in Sovengarde.Me: ... he can do that?Odahviing: Oh yes. It is a privilege he reserves for himself, leaving us to guard the path he uses to breach the boundaries between this world and the next, in a far distant temple of the Dragon Priests that only dragon wings may reach.Me: Damnation!Odahviing: I might propose a bargain, Dragonborn. I cannot leave this place without your command and you cannot reach Alduin without a dragon's aid. Free me and I shall carry you to where you may enter Sovengarde.Me: No tricks?Odahviing: No tricks.Me: ... agreed.

From The Saga of Matthias The Bather, Written By Sven

Matthias was last seen on the back of Odahviing, riding off to meet his destiny. It pains me as a bard not to describe the struggle that surely followed. But I know that Matthias was victorious, as I am still here to tell this tale as you are still here to read it. I'd like to thank you for reading this tale then, and ask you to consider purchasing some of my other story collections such as The Tales of Ragnar The Red, The Tale of A Boy Who Was Blue and The Omnibus of Naughty Valkyrie Songs.

Me: Wow... the beauty of the infinite... the spectacle of the divine. Where's that damn dragon? I want to get back to stealing shit and banging my hot amazon wife. Maybe if I wander around a bit, he'll find me...

Tsun: Hail and well met!Me: Uh... yeah.Tsun: What brings you, wayfarer grim, to wander here, in Sovengarde, souls-end, Shor's gift to honored dead?Me: Uh... a dragon, actually. Who are you?Tsun: I am Tsun. Shield-Thane of Shor. Guardian of the gates to The Hall Of Valor. Seek you to enter the Hall of Valor?Me: ... perhaps.Tsun: But you are not dead. By what right do you seek entrance to this sacred place, man of Flesh?Me: Well, I AM The Dragonborn.Tsun: YOU are the Dragonborn?Me: That's what I said.Tsun: Ah. So you have come seeking Alduin. To fight the final battle to save the world that is and avert the world that may be.Me: Eh... basically, yes.Tsun: But you seek entry to find companions. To seek those who would join you in this honorable quest?Me: Oh, yes. I definitely seek companions for an honorable battle and NOT dragon fodder to distract the beasty.Tsun: Well, you may enter, Dragonborn...Me: Excellent!Tsun: ... after you defeat me in honorable single combat.Me: ... oh, bugger me.Tsun: On guard!Alduin: ROAAAAAAAR!Me: D'oh!

ONE HOUR AND MUCH RUNNING AROUND WHILE SNIPING FROM A DISTANCE LATER...

Me: ... I did it! I killed the World-Eater!Felldir the Old: Indeed you have, Dragonborn!

Me: ... do I know you?Felldir the Old: Ah... we have never met, Dragonborn. Perhaps you saw us in the battles of olde through The Elder Scroll?Me: You're the ones from my vision!Felldir the Old: Yes! Me: You're the ones who sent Alduin forward in time!Felldir the Old: Indeed.Me: You bastards left me to do your dirty work!Felldir the Old: Did we? Or did we set your feet upon the road of destiny?Me: No, you definitely left me to tidy up your mess. I could kill you all!Felldir the Old: Ah, but we are already dead.Me: ... how do I get out of here?Felldir the Old: Just ask Tsun to send you back.Me: Great. Cause I have a lot of business to tend to once I get back to Skyrim. I still owe that jerk Orgnar for sending hitmen after me. And now that the world is safe, I think I owe it to make sure The Blades really are a lost order. And after that...Tsun: No, no, Dragonborn. Your destiny lies elsewhere...Me: What? Oh come on...Tsun: No, your destiny lies elsewhere. Other worlds. Other places.Me: But I wanna dress my hot amazon wife in more scanty outfits!Tsun: No, Dragonborn... you must be away....