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My grandfather died.

Early this morning he died, I held his had as he did. For the past 9 days he was in what the in-home hospice professionals called as the transitional stage. Basically its where the person is about to die. That part was the hardest because he couldn't move, couldn't speak, his mind was failing him, he wasn't hungry or thirsty so it was hard to watch him waste away and not be able to fix him. My mother and I just kind of always figured he would die from his more prominent medical conditions than old age, I mean I have known this could happen even when my grandmother used the same service but we just never saw him going this way. Always just kind of assumed we would find that he went in his sleep or from a heart attack(he has heart disease). He lived way longer than what any doctor told him(20 years) so it was a really good assumption. It was hard to go in his room and see him fiddling with his blankets yelling out because he is just so anxious and really couldn't do anything else. All we could do was give him some liquid medication to make him comfortable. The watching and waiting was worse than his actual death because we know how uncomfortable he was and how we would have hated that. His only wish was not to die with strangers so we were able to give him that. The day he really went down hill exactly 9 days ago he knew that he was dying and his mind was failing, he couldn't get it all out in words so he grabbed his TV remote pointed it to his head and kept repeating "Reprogram" I will never forget that moment it was so heart breaking. The funny thing about all this is I have been making myself stay up until like 2-3am every night for the past 9 days, just something in me kept saying that I just needed to. Even how tired I was I did anyway so I could check on my grandpa, the night he died it was about 1am when I was getting ready for bed and I noticed something was different with him. I thought maybe this was it or maybe I should get my mom but I didn't I just sat on the bed with him and held his hand, stroked his head, wiped some tears and drool. I just didn't want to get her because I would never forgive myself if he died that few minutes I was gone. 10 minutes later he did.

Sorry I know this isn't anything related to lupus but I just needed to write that out. My mother is not a good place and my sister doesn't want to hear it and I don't really have any friends close enough to talk about this with. I'm only running on 4 hours of sleep still and since I have done all the preparations after his death I know my lupus is going to kick my bodies but soon. My mind won't shut down yet so i'm pretty sure I will be sick tomorrow. Though i'm not looking forward for tomorrow because my mother and I haven't informed my aunts and cousins that we had decided to donate his body to science. Personally my mother and I think it's a good program and that his death can at least have some contribution after his death and thats how my mother and I would like after we die. But the main reason is when we realized after my grandmothers death that she only paid for my grandfathers plot and head stone and told no body we didn't and couldn't come up with the money for a burial. This program allows his death to serve some good(it's not organ donation), they will take care of all the costs of transportation, death certificates, and most importantly after 4-6 weeks they will cremate and send it back to us. So in the end we can have an option of having a small memorial. Since his body will be in Dallas in the morning there is little they can do and they are not his biological or adopted so my mother is the only legal heir. As cruel as this sounds we just couldn't handle telling them when he was still alive, I know they don't have the money either, especially my very verbally abusive aunt while having to deal with the stress of my grandfathers end of life.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Grandfather. Regardless of their age, I don't think we're ever truly prepared for our loved one's passing. Add in family drama/dynamics, it can be a very stressful time.

I'm sorry for your loss Mica. I understand what you are going through-I too have held the hand of a dear loved one as they died.

Your Grandfather was a lucky man to have such a caring and thoughtful Granddaughter like you. The coming days are going to be stressful and difficult. I found that informing everyone of the loss was one of the hardest things to do.

You did all the right things, and you took care of your Grandfather with care and devotion. Don't forget to take care of yourself as well in the coming days.

I am so sorry...what a wonderful connection you must have had for your instincts to guide you to stay with him at exactly the right time. That is a profound and beautiful thing for you to have done - and incredibly strong. All the stress and sleeplessness may make the Lupus kick up, but wow - you are definitely a very strong and intuitive person. Hopefully that will lift and guide you through any difficulties to come.

Do please take care of yourself - find time to do things that nurture you - and know that you're being sent best wishes from afar.

My Grandmother refused to eat or drink at the end of her life and my mother and I were both with her when she finally passed so i can understand a little of what it was like for you watching your Grandfather wasting away. It's awful for you and yet your pressence must have been such a comfort to him. Sorry that you'll have to deal with the fallout of disagreements with the rest of the family over your mother's wishes for his remains but keep yourself as calm as possible and take care of yourself so you don't get too sick. Thinking of you and your family! x

Numpty:- (num-p-tee) dialect, chiefly Scot, ~n. 1. a bumbling fool: one who is intellectually challenged. 2. widely known in Scotland as an MSP (Member of Scottish Parliament).

Bless you Mica, doing the right thing is often harder than not. I'm praying for you and your family. Please be strong for a little longer and maybe or maybe not the Lupus kicks in. But if it does I know you are a stronger person and you'll handle it.