Mid-Season Madness

This year, January television features more premieres, new series, reality garbage, and assorted hijinks than it did in September. Could it be that television has taken this long to fully recover from the WGA strike? Great! Just in time for the SAG strike!Anyway, so that you can properly plan your week, or program your DVR, here’s what’s in store this spring, and what to expect (or not) from the shows we’ve missed (or not).

Returning Series:

24 (Jan 11th): Jack Bauer is back, and better than ever…or something. He apparently shaved, which is nice.

What to Expect: A whole lot of “damn it”s . Many explosions. A female president. The return of Tony Alamida from the (mostly) dead. A return of Elisha Cuthbert from the career-dead. Plot twists! A two-night premire! Janeen Garafalo playing Chloe’s evil twin.

Scrubs (Jan. 6th) : New network…same Zack Braff hair.

What to expect: The last season with Zach and the executive producer. They still might continue the series after they leave…gee, can’t wait. Writers plan to “wrap up” character arcs this season. Stunt casting begins early with Courtney Cox-Arquette-Monica-Geller-From-Friends playing an administrator in the premier.

Law and Order SVU (Jan 6th): More depressing sh*t from Dick Wolf.

What to expect: Child-rape, murder, immoral sex acts with farm animals…you know…the usual. Plus, I’m sure the principle characters (Elliott Stabler and the hot, old chick) will hook up at some point for some angsty, creepy old folks sex.

Nip/Tuck (Jan 6th) : Sliced and diced womenfolk. Like Dexter, but with a generally happier ending.

What to expect: After seriously jumping the shark with outlandish plots and ridiculous scenarios, the series hopes to return to the roots of its success. (read: gratuitous nudity and violence)

Knight Rider (Jan. 7th): “Re-tooled” format with “same-tool” actors.

What to expect: Very low ratings and quick cancellation in favor of a lame reality-show concept that was rejected as too stupid for the American public before executives learned yet again that there is no such thing as “too stupid for the American Public.”

Damages: (Jan 8th): Another strong season of a terrific show that no one watches ‘cuz it’s on f*cking TBS.

What to Expect: More excellence by Glenn Close. New excellence by William Hurt (which almost guarantees a guest spot for Marlee Matlin… can we have a “ghnnugh, gnnugh!” )

Friday Night Lights (Jan. 9th) : The Network Premiere. This show is just wrapping up its third, and likely final, season airing through DirectTV. It will be shown in its entirety on NBC for the unwashed masses beginning this Friday.

What to expect: Story arc wrap ups. Smash goes to college. A new school opening in Dillon. The hottest (and probably oldest) cheerleader on TV (sorry, Hayden) hooking up with the greasiest, most drunken football player on the team.

Lost (Jan 21st) : The long awaited return of the popular mind-f*ck version of Gilligan’s Island.

What to expect: The return to the Island (which has almost become a character in itself). Jack shaves that ridiculous beard. (Jack shaving trifecta in play…) Locke is dead…but apparently this is an impermanent condition for some on this show. SOME F*CKING answers. Polar bears, smoke-monsters, others, lottery numbers, and a myriad of other “sh*t we just made up” that has accumulated over four years of this show had BETTER be explained.

What to Expect: Paula has competition as the resident chick on the judges’ panel. (But still holds the sole “drugged out of her mind” spot). Less of the “bad” auditions. Few “ringers”. (e.g. singers who already have contracts)

Well, that’s who’s back…tune in next week for who’s new in shows and reality series.