Okay, this is the last time I’m going to write about playing ping pong for charity. I promise.

As many of you are aware, I participated in 826NYC’s So You Think You Can Pong tournament, held Wednesday night at SPiN in Manhattan, which sounds like it could be a gay nightclub but is actually a high-end table tennis establishment with good food and expensive drinks and very attractive bartenders. Despite the Warming Glow readership’s generous donations to my cause, and even though I finished in the top four fund raisers, the people for whom I’ve been volunteering for the last five years arbitrarily determined that I was fifth at tournament time, so I didn’t get to play your celebrity of choice. Despite this grave injustice, your money went to a wonderful cause, and I thank everyone who donated.

Shaken by the inexplicable snub, I ended up losing in the first round, despite wearing my most intimidating t-shirt. Luckily for you, my participation was the least interesting part of the night. Buckle up, because it’s anecdote time!

– Will Shortz, pictured above in a mustache and his finest crossword-editing sweatpants, won the tournament. He is insanely good at ping pong.

– Jason Jones of “Daily Show” fame emceed the event. I asked him why he was filling in for Wyatt Cenac, and he joked, “Ehhh, I couldn’t come up with a good excuse to get out of it.” Apparently Cenac had a last-second engagement in Las Vegas, and Jones was happy to take a break from playing Mr. Mom to his two kids. (Then we had a lengthy, brutally awkward silence. I said, “Hey, sorry about that awkward silence,” which he rolled with and we ended up talking about TV and, of course, NBC and Conan. Apparently Jones had made a pilot for Conan called — if I remember correctly — “Dr. Dan,” in which Jones played the titular character, a psychiatrist who records a reality show of himself living with the country’s most dysfunctional family for a year. According to Jones, people really liked it but Fox and NBC passed.)

– When you have a roomful of nobodies playing ping pong, it’s not really easy to hold the public’s attention, so there were two celebrity doubles matches at “center court,” as it were: Dave Eggers and David Schwimmer beat Catherine Keener and Sean Avery, and Mario Batali and Will Shortz defeated Peter Sarsgaard and Sarah Vowell.

– Yes: Batali wore his patented orange Crocs. He also carries an orange Sharpie to sign autographs. I had been instructed by my mom to relay a message, so I went up to him and said, “Uh, my mom really likes your father’s salami.” He laughed and said, “Don’t say that. Say that she really likes the cured meat that my father makes.” And I was all, “Your father makes cured meat?” Ba-dum-cha.

– I didn’t actually say that last part. I’m not nearly quick enough on my feet.

– The highlight of the night — other than getting slapped by Catherine Keener — was Mike Myers dressed in full Canadian regalia and accompanied by a loud cheering section in a match against ping pong pro Wally Green, who won the match 22-20 using his cell phone as a paddle. I repeat: he used a cell phone as his paddle. It was incredible. Well, as incredible as ping pong can be. (Watch him do it against some other people here.)

– Keener, who sexily offered slaps (or compliments) for $10, wasn’t the only celeb who offered her talent up for a flat rate. For a $50 donation, Myers recorded an outgoing message in character on people’s cell phones (your choices were limited to Shrek, Dr. Evil, and Fat Bastard), and $20 got you a bar napkin portrait from Dave Eggers.

Me: Wait, that qualifies as small? What kind of experience do you have?

Girl: (beat) I grew up in the circus.

– When I originally heard that legendary douchebag Sean Avery was participating, I thought, “Wow, he’s giving his free time to a kids’ charity. maybe he’s not so bad after all.” He ditched out on the event before playing his scheduled tournament match. What a dick.

– Look at this f*cking hipster:

– Before the night ended, I managed to get a pick-up game with Eggers. I’ve met him a couple times now; his demeanor is friendly but guarded. But perhaps that had more to do with me being four or five bourbons deep than anything else. After I squandered a late lead, I beat him 22-20. I did not, as one commenter requested, tell him, “You shall know my velocity!” — not until after the game. I think he hates me now.

Also, I wish your anecdotes included one about someone choking that fucking hipster to death with his keffiyah scarf.

01.15.10 at 3:46 pm

Kid Presentable

I feel so honored.

And 5th? I suggest you submit a letter of protest to have this event replayed.

01.15.10 at 3:47 pm

Leapin_Lizards

Did Schwimmer just wake up and think “I want to look like a police artist’s sketch of a rapist?”

01.15.10 at 3:49 pm

Pete

You’re gonna have to find a way to recreate that moment with Batali in order to get the joke in.

01.15.10 at 3:54 pm

Strange Botwin

Yeah, I’m with UU and KP, I donated to watch you trounce celebrities and would appreciate a little more mock outrage directed to the organization that deprived you, nay, us, of that honor. And I always thought I was well versed in pop-culture, as well as the finer arts, but I have no fucking clue who David Eggers is, sorry.

But seriously, how bad was Sarah Vowell at ping-pong? She reminds me of the character “Matilda” all grown up.

01.15.10 at 4:01 pm

side angle side

wait, awesome at crosswords AND ping pong? i’m wet.

01.15.10 at 4:14 pm

DAGOTRON

Field Report? Whatever you say, Mystery.

01.15.10 at 4:24 pm

other dude

Should have went with the three wolf moon shirt. THREE. WOLF. MOON.

01.15.10 at 4:35 pm

klwillis45

Either 3WM or Born to Roam. Wolf shirts >>>> Shark shirts

01.15.10 at 4:50 pm

Matt

Field Report? Whatever you say, Mystery.

See, going to “the field” is what we called our training exercises in the Marines. I guess you just know a little more about creepy guys than you do the military.

01.15.10 at 5:18 pm

DAGOTRON

Matt, I now realize I left myself in an untenable position with my original comment.

Touche, salesman.

01.15.10 at 5:19 pm

DAGOTRON

And of course I know where the original term came from. I might have read The Game, but I was young, not retarded.

01.15.10 at 5:37 pm

Kid Presentable

So, what neg did you use when you sarged Keener?

01.15.10 at 6:17 pm

DAGOTRON

Upon second look, I’m guessing the logic they used to put you in 5th place instead of 4th was the percentage raised vs. your original goal. Which is still bullshit.

Good show, Matt. Between this and your puking-related fundraising efforts over at KSK, I’m sure you’re making quite a name for yourself around the charity circuit.

01.15.10 at 6:29 pm

Zack

FWIW, if I had understood the reference, I would have thought DAGOTRON’s comment was mildly amusing. No need to get touchy, Uff.