I want to scream and cry and throw a fit, but I have to keep it in because, a) I’m at work, b) I don’t even know what I would scream or how I’d throw my fit. but I feel …. I don’t even know what i feel.

Last night, my dad went to talk to FMIL about the budget and not pressuring us to do certain things, or whatever.It didn’t go well. FI and I were sweating bullets when my dad hadn’t called after 2 hours or more. Not a good sign. By 10:30pm he came over with an update.

FILs had basically turned it back around on us. Their complaints were:

1)FI seems to have “cut them out completely as part of his decision to be with [me]” really? then why was he just there on Friday to hang out/show off his new truck? Why did he have dinner with you Monday? They said they hadn’t seen him in Months…Again, really?! He was hanging out with his dad and FBIL there just 2 weeks ago when I went shopping with his mom…. He works full time, I work full time, after work we are tired. Give it a rest, you live 5 minutes away- I don’t see you coming to our house or inviting us over either!!!!!

2)FMIL is upset because up until about 8 months ago we were close. VERY CLOSE as in, I was closer to her than my own mother. Well, around 8 months ago was when we had our first confrontation with her regarding open bar. My FI hypothetically tried to lay down the law and say, listen: we are having open bar BUT if it is not within the budget, and if we decide not to have it, that is our decision. Well, at that point she decided emotional blackmail/manipulation was fair. She said things like “Mayflowerbride, you don’t understand, you’re not Italian” or “Well if you don’t have open bar we won’t invite anyone from FI’s family” and “Mayflowerbride, why are you doing this”… Very important to note that FI had gotten so enraged at this point he walked out and said “Mom stop being such a damn drama queen. If that’s how you feel, you don’t need to come either” (yay hubby, so proud).. but she had a panic attack and.. being the spineless person I am apparently, I stayed to make sure she didn’t freakin’ die. Got her a paper bag, water, rubbed her back.. all the while she is blaming me!!!!!!! I’m sorry, I don’t feel a need to be BFF with someone like that. Her true colors showed, it was ugly, and now MY mom and I are closer than ever.

3)She said the Open bar was the only non-negotiable thing and said that it was an absolute must and that FI would understand it. YES, he understands, that doesn’t mean she gets to make a demand without giving money. I don’t mind having an open bar, but if its what she wants, she should pay for it. Why isn’t she? oh, because they bought a house, and have debt to pay.. yadayada… but then why did they insist on throwing an e-party we didn’t even want? (more on that later) She gave my dad a list of things they were willing to contribute for: Bonboniere (which we’re not even having), invites (which I’ve already bought all supplies to make) Favors/chocolates (which my dad already paid for entirely) Wine (which they are MAKING themselves)…. so basically nothing. Which is fine, they don’t need to give us anything- all I ask is that if they DEMAND something… they shell out for it, especially since their side makes up about 60% of the guest list. (Open bar =$40 per person)

4) The damn e-party. Let me start off by saying, FI and I were in no way interested in having an e-party to begin with. We felt that being centre of attention at the wedding was more than enough, and wanted any money spent on e-party to be put towards the wedding instead. Fair, right? No. She begged and pleaded and insisted, finally we said “okay, fine… but just something intimate with immediate family and just something like a BBQ. that is it, we specifically do not want a banquet hall party” They sold their bigger house for something smaller, so there was no longer room for a bbq. fine. BUT she went ahead and booked an e-party at a banquet hall, then called to INFORM us that was the new plan. (we would have said forget it at this point, too much hassel)… then the rsvps were coming to our wedding email, great…. until we got some from her cousin, then her husband’s cousin, then FI’s godparents, then a chef his dad used to work with… and his kids! What the hell happened to family only? By this point I was miffed and REALLY wanted nothing to do with it. To top it off, it wasn’t even casual any more, they were making favors and family guest gifts and centerpieces and his mom bought a fancy dress and it just was NOT us. so fine, whatever, what could we do? nothing. The day of.. I was really dreading it, I wasn’t happy to be there, I spent most my time drinking…which seems to be my preferred way of dealing/coping- so not good… and then the WORST PART comes. When FMIL had been telling us about the food FI had expressed concern that iw as an Italian venue and that my background (filipino brittish) would not be well represented. FMIL said, it is a neutral meal, the only italian thing is lasagna and we can add rice to the meat dish to make it more filipino. Sorry, Rice is not filipino, its very neutral and just a generic asian or whatever.. thing. so that to me, does not cut it. anyways, back to the day of…the courses were: Bruschetta, Anti Pasto, Lasagna, steak (ok this is neutral) and then tiramisu.4/5 of the meal was ITALIAN… really? you couldn’t do spring rolls or empanadas instead of bruschetta, and skip the anti pasto? you couldn’t make it neutral?Whatever, they paid for it, thats fine… but REALLLY?!?!?!?!?So last night she told my dad that I wasn’t as greatful as I should have been…Maybe that has something to do with the fact that she had her daughter give a speech with my FI, instead of me… at a party for me and my FI.

FUUUUUUUUUUUDge.

5) Dear, sweet, FI. … I don’t know what to do anymore. The conversation that was supposed to solve our problems seemed to drive a wedge between us. It has never been more clear that our visions for a wedding are totally different, and maybe its not just because of his mom. Our plan was to elope if the convo didn’t go well, I don’t think that is happening. Last night he just left me alone and went up to bed, with a “‘nite” no love you, no reassurance we’ll work through this… then this morning he left with a harsh kiss on forehead saying, gotta go, cya. I go “love you” and he just left.

I am… tired, angry, upset, hurt, frustrated, and

The worst part?: I think I HATE my FMIL. It is at the point, where I flipped my shit over what she wants to wear…Why? Because the shit she wants to wear is something one would wear to the grammys. I don’t feel my dress is over the top, I think, as far as wedding dresses go, it is pretty simple. Her dress, was basically a blue freakin’ prom dress… and my mom wants to NOT wear a gown, but she feels so damn entitled to say IM WEARING A GOWN… goddamnit lady, its not a black tie fudging wedding, we can’t afford that, my bridesmaids are wearing tea length dresses and it is not an over the top affair. WE ARE SIMPLE PEOPLE. WE JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN. WHO THE HELL IS THIS WOMAN!?!?!? This may seem petty, and immature, and whatever.. but if I’m going to have to cater to all her goddamn wedding needs, the least she can do for me is BACK THE EFF OFF! :'( And FSIL had said before it is because she is “insecure about her knee” … funny, she was wearing a short dress the day we went to look for dresses, and then oh ya.. her e-party dress was short too!

Maybe I am ungrateful- fine. But I feel disrespected.Maybe I am overreacting- fine. But I don’t think it’s right for me to have to be the one to scrounge through our list of items and be the only one giving a shit about the budget.I tried talking to FI about options and his solution? “I’ll pay for XYZ by myself then and its not a problem” YES IT IS A PROBLEM. we live together, own a house together, you’re starting a company, WE CANNOT afford it!!!! it’s not just his money, its ours, our savings for our future. why the hell does he not see that?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!

I want want want everything in the world too- does not mean I’m gonna get it.

I give up.

If you read all that, I’m so freakin’ impressed.

/end vent.

ETA: I text him this morning: do you love me enough to work through thisHis answer: I do love you, but things between you and my family need to change because I will never turn my back on my family for anyone.

To which I said-I never asked you to, this is about the wedding, if you’re siding with them that its all my fault, there are bigger problems here. your mother owes me an apology and things will not get better til I get it. (apology being for blaming me for basically not being Italian, and taking it all out on me.. re: open bar shit)

OP- are you sure that FI and his family are people you can spend the rest of your life with? Not to be harsh, but you two seem to have serious communication and money management issues. Additionally, your FMIL will NOT change; it will get worse when she gets grandchildren. If it were me, I’d probably put the house up for sale and move on, while getting out is still an option.

I agree with the others – I’ve been keeping up with your posts. Forgive me for saying this but it’s reading situations like yours that make me think “Why did they even bother getting married? It was obvious the marriage wasn’t going to work.”

Nothing is going to get better with his family or him. You will continue fighting them tooth and nail trying to meet their demands. A relationship isn’t supposed to be THAT hard.

She doesn’t get to intimidate you with ultimatums and threats like she has been. It’s nice of your dad to have this meeting with her, but since she’s not contributing, who gives a flying eff what she thinks. You should be able to plan a wedding within the budget you’ve defined and really, her only job is to show up. You need to be able to plan your wedding in a way that you feel comfortable and your FI should support you. I know that it’s more convenient to blame her for everything, but you also need to examine your FI’s angle in all of this.

If he isn’t making decisions with you and if he’s supporting these outrageous and intimidating requests that his mom is making, don’t marry him. If mom comes first now, she will always come first.

I’ve been following your posts and honestly, why is anyone listening to their demands? Take control of the wedding with your parents and cut out everything. if your FI is going to be a big baby and throw a tantrum over a shit load of $$ being spent, even after you have begged/pleaded, its obvious YOUR needs do not matter to him. Maybe it would be a good idea to stop the planning at this point. Your parents are footing the bill – end of story. If his parents won’t contribute, they do not get any of their demands met, simple. This might be a good life lesson for you – please don’t go through with your wedding this way.

I just don’t get it. Our relationship was fine, until the wedding planning started. More than fine, actually. But now, I feel I actually hate her. I’m sad all the time. I want it to go back to how it was before the wedding bullshit.

Does she realize what a wedge her behavior is driving between you? You would think her relationship with her daughter-in-law would be more important than one day. But that’s what a rational person would think and it’s pretty obvious that she is far from rational.

I am so sad for you. This is supposed to be a happy time where your families are coming together to celebrate you and your fiance and your relationship. Why does she have to be such a bitch? I wish I had her phone number so I could slap some sense into her.

It may sound crazy, but what about a therapy session? Or, if you may be able to afford it, what about a wedding planner so she can hear from an unbiased source that some things just are not in the budget.