20190304-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management—————————–
PROGRAMMING NOTE FOR COMMITTED LISTENERS · AMERICAN LATE NIGHT INDUSTRY IS RERUNS THIS WEEK · ONLY CBS IS WORKING · SO NEXT UPLOAD WILL BE TUESDAY, MARCH 12th!

RACIST. CONMAN. CHEAT. · THREE PILLARS OF 2016 TRUMP CAMPAIGN · IN 2020 IS DOUBLE-DOWN ON THE RACISM.

[RIMSHOT/MOTHER]

BEN STILLER AS MICHAEL COHEN LAST NIGHT ON SNL. HOW MANY YOU PEOPLE GOT CHILDREN? HOW MANY OF YOU WERE CHILDREN? THIS WOULD SUCK.

[JUNIOR]

FATHER SAYS YOU’RE A FUCKUP · EXHIBIT A IS YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO WHISPER · WHOLE PURPOSE OF WALKING BEHIND THE DESK IS TO NOT BE CLEARLY HEARD · NOT ONLY JUNIOR SO STUPID DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO WHISPER · HE’S SO STUPID HE DOESN’T KNOW THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO WHISPER · IF YOU KNOW YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO WHISPER · YOU DON’T WALK BEHIND · STAY IN FRONT OF THE DESK WITH EVERYBODY ELSE · [ACT OUT: “CUSE ME. GET BEHIND THE DESK · YOU’RE LIKE: “MEETING’S ON, FATHER!!!”

[RIMSHOT]

BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED · WE’RE GONNA TALK HUSH MONEY · WHY · BECAUSE WE ALWAYS NEED TO KNOW WHERE WE ARE AND YOU HAVE BEEN MISLEAD AS TO WHAT IS AND IS NOT A CAMPAIGN FINANCE CRIME · NOT AN IDEOLOGICAL ANALYSIS · IT’S AN EVIDENTIARY ANALYSIS · DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE · TWENTY FIVE MINUTES FROM NOW THERE WILL BE NO QUESTION IN YOUR MIND THAT THE HUSH MONEY PAYMENTS TO STORMY DANIELS ARE NOT CRIMES · NOT A CRIME · CONTRARY TO WHAT CABLE NEWS HAS BEEN SAYING AND CONTINUES TO SAY TO THIS DAY · TO PROVE WE’RE GONNA’ TAKE A HILARIOUS STROLL DOWN A DARK PATH · END OF THAT HILARIOUS DARK PATH WE WILL FIND A SINNER!

[CLUE]

A SINNER WHO WILL SET YOU FREE · THAT’S YOUR CLUE · THIRTY MINUTES FROM NOW YOU WILL SAY: “WOW! WHAT A SHOW!” · THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME · WELCOME TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK · NUMBER ONE AUDIO-ONLY POLITICAL COMEDY SHOW ON THE PLANET · WE BEGIN AS WE DO EVERY WEEK BY INTRODUCING MY SOMEWHAT GUESTS · MY WUNWITTING CONTESTANTS · ALL VYING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETTED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK · BEGINNING WITH NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT’S OWNER ROBERT KRAFT · PLEADS NOT GUILTY · EVEN HIS LAWYER CAN’T GET HIM OFF!

[RIMSHOT]

DESUS AND MEROI!

[HSTS-WHITNEY]

THANK YOU, SHADOE!

25 MINUTES TO GO · MICHAEL COHEN WISHES · THREE YEARS TO GO · MAY SIXTH · OTISVILLE NEW FEDERAL PRISON CAMP · KOSHER LINE · SCOTUS · SEPARATION OF STATE FROM CHURCH CASE

[COHEN BEFORE]

JOKE IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY · COMEDY TEAM OF STILLER AND HADER · I’M TELLIN YA’ MICHAEL COHEN IS LOYAL! HOW LOYAL IS HE?! MICHAEL COHEN IS SO LOYAL · MORTGAGES THE HOUSE | TO COVER UP A MISTRESS | HE’S NOT FUCKING · IMAGINE · TRUMP DRIVE YOU TO DRINK · TOO MUCH · AND YOUR FRIEND GETS SICK · REFI SO THE BOSS CAN GET A HOLE IN ONE · COHEN LIES UNDER OATH SO TRUMP CAN LIE UNDER STORMY · HUNDRED THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS · OR AS STORMY CALLS: “SIXTY FIVE GRAND A MINUTE!” · INSTALLMENT PLAN · LIKE STORMY’S TITS · HUSH MONEY · “SUCK MY DICK AND MICHAEL WILL GAG YOU!” · PHYSICS ALONE!

[RACE 1]

PRESIDENT’S A RACIST · TIME OUT · TAKE A MINUTE TO NOTE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS HAVE COHEN’S TESTIMONY IN ADVANCE · THEY KNOW WHAT HE’S GONNA SAY · CONGRESSMAN MARK MEADOWS TAKES UMBRAGE ·

[RACE 2]

“SHE SAYS?!” DOES MISS PATTON TALK? “SHE SAYS?!” PUT HER UNDER OATH · “I KNEW Y’ALL GONNA’ BRING UP THE BLACKS · WE GOT ONE BACK STAGE · BRING HER IN BOYS · SHACKLES OFF · ON TELEVISION!

[RIMSHOT]

MISS PATTON · AND ANOTHER THING · YOUR MARK MEADOWS · YOU KNOW YOU SAID THIS…

SUNNY WATCHES IT TWICE · TAKES NOTES · THAT’S WHAT SHE SAYS · AND COMEHOW COMES TO THE CONCLUSION THAT TRUMP DOESN’T WANT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT IT · SHE DOESN’T GET THAT FROM COHEN…

[LEGAL 4]

USES CAMPAIGN FUNDS TO LIE TO THE WIFE. WHO ELSE DO WE KNOW WHO DOES THAT? WHO ELSE DO WE KNOW WHO USED CAMPAIGN FUNDS TO FINANCE A LIE TO THE WIFE? EVEN MORE TAWDRY · FROM THE ARCHIVES: LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN NOVEMBER 17 2006.

[LETTERMAN 1]

TWO CLUES. AN ADMITTED SINNER. THIS WIFE? NOT MELANIA. THIS WIFE IS ELIZABETH AND SHE’S DYING OF CANCER.

AGAIN FROM THE ARCHIVES · TWO YEARS LATER · COLBERT REPORT AUGUST 12 2008.

[COLBERT REPORT]

DIFFERENT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE. DIFFERENT PARTY. SAME NATIONAL ENQUIRER. SAME DAVID PECKER. BUT, JOHN EDWARDS HAS NO IDEA.

AGAIN FROM THE ARCHIVES · THREE YEARS LATER · DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART JUNE 6, 2011.

SOME OF YOU ARE THINKING: TRUMP WRITE A CHECK AS PRESIDENT. THAT HAS TO BE THE DIFFERENCE. NOPE.

[LETTERMAN 2]

THIS IS THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE WE HAND SUNNY HOSTIN HER SHORTS · I MEAN · BROUGHT IT ON HERSELF · UNITED STATES OF AMERICA v JOHNNY REID EDWARDS · WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT CASE · JURY TRIAL · EDWRADS DOES NOT TAKE THE STAND · JURY ACQUITS · NOT HUNG · UNANIMOUS · NOT GUILTY · FREE TO GO · END OF CASE · WHY · BECAUSE LIKE TRUMP, HE USED THE MONEY TO FINANCE A LIE TO HIS WIFE · LAW SAYS YOU CAN ONLY CONVICT IF THE EVIDENCE DEMONSTRATES BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT THAT THE DEFENDANT MISUED THE MONEY TO INFLUENCE THE OUTCOME OF THE ELECTION.

BUT FOR CABLE NEWS YOUR FOCUS WOULD NOT BE ON THE PRESIDENT. IT WOULD BE ON CONGRESS; WHICH NOT SURPRISINGLY MAKES A LAW THAT CREATES A CRIME THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PROVE? WHY? CONGRESS HAS A CONFLICT OF INTEREST, BECAUSE EVERY MEMBER OF CONGRESS LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND SEES A FUTURE PRESIDENT. AND EVERY MEMBER OF CONGRESS DOES NOT WANT TO GO TO JAIL. #WINDOWDRESSING.

PRESIDENT RICKLES YESTERDAY AT CPAC.

[TRUMP @ CPAC]

STAND CORRECTED · WHEN YOU’RE RIGHT YOU’RE RIGHT · #HASHTAG BULLSHIT!

[AWDS]

NEW YORK TIMES CEDED THE JOHN EDWARDS STORY TO NATIONAL ENQUIRER.

[EDWARDS MEDIA]

WHY? NEW YORK TIMES BLEW THE STORY · AS HAPPENED AGAIN YESTERDAY · PRESIDENT RICKLES SATIRIZES HIMSELF AT CPAC.

[EMAILS]

CLEARLY SATIRE · TIMES · WHICH I READ EVERY DAY · THEY FACT CHECK THE SATIRE · SPECIFICALLY THAT CLIP · IF ALL YOU DO IS READ THE TIMES · YOU HAVE NO IDEA IT’S SATIRE!

[SANDERS]

LINES ARE DRAWN · WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD · TRUMP v SANDERS · OR AS TRUMP SUPPORTERS CALL HIM: “THAT LEFTY BIG NOSE JEW COMMIE BASTARD.”

TO BE MY SIDEKICK FOR TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN · WE WILL NOT SPAM YOU OR SELL YOUR INFO · SUPER EASY · AD-FREE GUARANTEE · LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM

SEE YOU BACK HERE MARCH 12TH · UNTIL THEN, FOR HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL” · KEEP BANGING!!!

LATE NITE LAST NITE AND LATE NITE LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.