LONG BLOG

This coming week, one of the most anticipated Japanese Role-Playing Games will be released in the west, and that game is Final Fantasy XIII. I'm sure many of you out there are going to get this latest installment of a beloved franchise but did you also know that another JRPG is also coming out this week? That game is Yakuza 3, from the wildly popular Yakuza series in Japan.

I've only recently discovered the Yakuza series and the games amazingly blend traditional JRPG elements with an action brawler set in a modern day Japan. The Yakuza games put you in the role of Kazuma Kiriyu, a badass Yakuza who is nowhere near like the usual brooding, effeminate trap that have become the staple in many JRPGs.

The Yakuza games haven't enjoyed the same success in the west than it did in Japan. Many would say that Yakuza 3 is being sent to die to be released alongside one of the most anticipated games in the last decade. So I'm here to prove to you how Yakuza 3 blatantly better than Final Fantasy XIII.

Hit the jump to find out why Yakuza 3 is the new JRPG hotness!

1.) Yakuza 3 has characters that look more realistic than Final Fantasy XIII

If you've seen the characters of Final Fantasy XIII, you're probably impressed (or horrified) by the really pretty character designs. In fact, they're TOO pretty--- pretty unreal if you ask me. This is one major flaw of Final Fantasy XIII, I mean how can real people like us real relate to such well-designed, pretty characters? People in real life are ugly, while beautiful people only exist in magazines and in the movies. Do you know the psychological damage that Final Fantasy XIII can bring upon impressionable children?

Square Enix is bombarding us with more images of attractive and slim characters that can never exist. Yakuza 3 dares to give us characters that look like real people, who are ugly just like you and me. Sega wants us to see real beauty in Yakuza 3, beauty that is inside. Yakuza 3 is beautiful. No matter what they say. Words can't bring it down.

2.) Yakuza 3 has dragons on the box art, Final Fantasy XIII has an exposed inner thigh

Yakuza 3 surpasses Final Fantasy XIII by having TWO DRAGONS ON THE COVER with the game's main character, Kazuma Kiriyu, who is known as the "Dragon of Dojima" and and along with the cool dragon art.

While Final Fantasy XIII has NO DRAGONS ON THE BOX ART but has a very suggestive cover that features the female character Lightning showing off her inner thigh. I find this blatant attempt on selling sexually suggestive imagery to be very demeaning to women and Square Enix should be ashamed.

Dragons are awesome.

3.) Final Fantasy XIII will only lead to terrible cosplay at anime conventions

If you’ve ever been to an anime convention, you’ve probably seen people dressing up as their favorite fictional characters. I wouldn't be lying if I said that a lot of them look terrible. Final Fantasy XIII will only bring a massive tidal wave of even more desperate attempts at cosplay.

Square Enix also brought us the Kingdom Hearts series, which has spawned countless Sora cosplays done by fat women who populate anime conventions. Final Fantasy XIII will only make that problem worse with girls who should not be wearing midriffs and who think they're cute by acting like annoying Japanese girls.

By the way, I am fat and I also like Jim Sterling and he is fat too so I can say the F-word just like how black people can say that N-word so its all good, son.

4.) Yakuza 3 is a PS3 exclusive and the PS3 is a superior console to the X-Box 360 because the PS3 can fix itself

5.) Buying Yakuza 3 will allow you to afford a Subway footlong sandwichTimes are tough now as it is, and Sega knows that. That's why Sega's lowered the price of Yakuza 3 to $54.99, thereby saving you $5 and ensuring that you are able to be able to take advantage of Subway's Five dollar foot longs. I applaud Sega for their concern for the health and well-being of their customers.

Square Enix, a multi-bajillion yen company with very profitable video game franchises, is not following the amazing example that Sega has set and is still selling their game for $59.99. How will the people who buy Final Fantasy XIII survive long enough to see the ending without the sustenance of a Subway sandwich? HOW, SQUARE ENIX? HOW?!

6.) Final Fantasy XIII characters are wearing clothing with too many zippers and belts

Zippers are dangerous and pose a health hazard to the general public. I used to know a guy (who is totally not me), who once got his member caught in his pants zipper and he cried like a baby. Maybe that's why most Tetsuya Nomura-designed characters are cranky, brooding jerkwads all because they get their things caught in those zipper-infested clothes all the time.

7.) Yakuza 3 has a demo available to everyone, Final Fantasy XIII DOES NOT

Sixty dollars is a huge investment in these tough economic times but so is your time. It would only make sense to be able to try something that's worth twelve subway foot-long sandwiches that can feed you for weeks. So where is the demo for Final Fantasy XIII? It has been almost five years since we first laid eyes on the Final Fantasy XIII trailer and you ask us to wait a few weeks to be able to play your game?What is up with that? I'm not spending $80 on a pretty looking CG movie just so I can try out your awesome new game.

What do you want me to do to? You want me to go to San Francisco and find a bus with heavily tinted windows that drives around promising video games to children?Why can't I just sit back and relax at home and play a thin slice of your game, Square Enix?

What are you trying to hide, Square Enix? Is it the fact that...

8.) Final Fantasy XIII rips off Michael Bay's Transformers

Final Fantasy XIII continues to be awful by copying something else that is awful. In a desperate attempt to be hip and trendy with the kids, Square Enix looked for inspiration in one of the most profitable and horrible movie franchises in the last few years--- Michael Bay's Transformers.

Final Fantasy XIII's Summons, mystical beings that aid your characters in battle, are now able to "transform" into vehicles that fight enemies and cause massive explosions as shown in the video above. Final Fantasy XIII further rips off Michael Bay's Transformers by having an annoying teenage boy and massive explosions happening every 2.5 seconds in every battle.

9.) Square Enix made Dirge of Cerberus

The same people responsible for the giving you the game that was Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII are also responsible for Final Fantasy XIII. Using logic, one could come to the realization that Final Fantasy XIII shares about half of its name with the atrocious Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII which means that Final Fantasy XIII will be HALF AS BAD as Dirge of Cerberus.

How can we ever trust Square Enix again with their flashy new game Final Fantasy XIII? Unlike Sega who is... wait, what? What's this about the Sonic games? Oh wait.