Camp joker Cristian gave a moving performance, moving thousands of viewers to switch channels for the duration. Jon Clegg did impressions without gags – it was a bad week for people called Clegg all round.

Ricky K aped Lee Evans again but not as well as last time, while ventriloquist Sam Jones channelled the mumbling spirit of Jamaica Inn; but if you couldn’t hear his punch-lines, you didn’t miss much.

You couldn’t expect ITV’s “expert” judges to know that Sam’s big close, with the dummy eerily coming alive, was first done a hundred times better by David Strassman more than a decade ago on, umm, ITV.

The only non-musical act with half a chance to triumph in a series ­devoted to amateur British talent is Darcy Oake, the Canadian professional magician.

If he belts out light opera between illusions and flashes the judges, his cha-cha could storm it.

But my money says the winner will either be Lucy Kay, Bars And Melody or Collabro.

The losers? Fans of genuine variety entertainment, as usual.

CRISTIAN gave us tight trousers, pink umbrellas and It’s Raining Men – just another Monday night for many ITV execs.

BIGGEST talking point? The uneven tan on a CountryVive dancer – it looked like she’d fallen akip face down in a tray of creosote.

UNUSUAL name CountryVive, it sounds like something you’d do to Peter Barlow after he’d drunk himself senseless.