Josh L. ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

A yearlong report, undertaken by academic staff from numerous faculties in the University of Wollongong’s prestigious ‘SMART’ building, has found that Thursday morning lectures and tutorials have the lowest attendance rate of all lectures.

It is understood that senior members of the university are strongly suspicious of these findings. Yesterday, a number of sources raised concerns that the breadcrumb trail leads to Market Street’s ‘Fat Boy Grill and Pide,’ then to the prestigious Grand Hotel. When questioned, one anonymous member of staff noted, “Mate, I still earn over $200k after tax…I’m not too fussed honestly,”

Another not so fortunate tutor was dismissed last year after his 8:30am Thursday Econ class failed the final for the fourth year in a row. When pressed by the Smoking Duck’s investigative team, he revealed, “At first, I was quite disappointed, until I looked in the mirror and saw a fifty-year-old man staring back at me…Now I just wish I was young again. Regardless, I’m suing the shit out of the Grand Hotel.”

On the other side of the equation, keen ECON100 students Angus Grey and Jack Parker say that, whilst they have attended “more or less” all their 8:30am Hope Theatre lectures, a review on ECO360 is probably in order before their upcoming exams.

Meanwhile, The Smoking Duck’s disgraced reporter, Tracy Grimshaw, chased second year student, Chloe Rusch, through P4 carpark for absolutely no reason until she finally stopped her. Ms. Grimshaw found Chloe spends more time staring at Hope Theatre’s weird ceiling regretting last night’s middle floor session with a strong 6 at the Grand, than she does actually writing notes.