WOMEN OF WRESTLING #3
by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
I GET LETTERS: Jimmy Chang is a veteran of McLane production: Hey CRZ,
Just wanted to offer an explanation for the cell phone segment at the end
of the show. It seems that I saw all parts of that show except the closing
credits; I thought the show ended there.
You've probably figured this out by now, but McLane and Co. still
incorporate a lot of similarities to GLOW in their WOW show. In GLOW, he
used a lot of similar characters that we see in the WOW show, i.e. the
Cheerleaders, Jungle Woman (equivalent to Jungle Grrl), the Farmer's
Daughter, Mountain Fiji (a MUCH larger version of WOW's Boom Boom).
Something else that was done by GLOW was the phone vignettes. I must say
they were quite annoying. When McLane was running GLOW, he ran the phone
skits at the beginning of the show, before the GLOW theme song (where all
the wrestlers and McLane danced in place---ugh). When he left, someone
named Johnny C. did the phone bits at the end of the show.
While some GLOW skits were watchable, the phone parts were downright dumb.
They often involved either bill collectors or the promoters' mothers on
the other end of the phone line. The skits often ended with lame jokes or
puns. I can't figure out why, but somehow McLane and Co. thought they were
funny. Apparently, he still finds them funny enough to use it in his
latest WOW show.
Anyways, I hope this helps. As for the show itself, if future shows
continue like they did this past week, then I may have to tape the shows
and fast forward to the matches, or read your recaps.
Keep up the fine work!
P.S. I believe the guy who played the doctor this week was one of the
former GLOW referees. I can't say for certain, but he looks very
familiar.
Jimmy, you're in luck. Diamond David Chance offers: I guess you
weren't a big GLOW fan, or you would have recognized "Dr Martin" as the
bumbling, bespectacled, blind referee of all those GLOW classics...
nice to see that ladies' professional wrestling referees can, indeed,
improve their lot in life.
QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 3 (- 0.72) - after the big reverse split...wow,
NOTHING'S happened. It did tumble 50% on Monday, but came back Tuesday.
The thing is, this stock only trades like three or four times a day, and
that's on a GOOD day. This week...wait, let me look it up...this stock
did a whopping, big-time volume of *4600* shares. For the WEEK. WOW!
I'm still suspicious that there's a big scam in here somewhere, but
nobody's been able to dig any deeper into this thing than I have...mostly
because they ever get any more bored than I do, probably.
LAST WEEK ON WOW: Jungle Grrrl laid down the challenge, and Terri Gold
accepted
Opening Credits
PHANTOM v. WENDI WHEELS - Phantom rises up through the Gangrel elevator,
then plays the violin. D'y'know, I think she might really be playing it
there! Ahh, and she's got a "mask" painted on her face. CAMEL TOE CAMEL
TOE ohhh sorry, I just didn't expect that there. "Her opponent...the
Mechanic girl herself...she's revvin' it up baby - Wendi Wheels!" Hey, I
didn't hear an introduction for the first woman...oh well. Wheels is
a...mechanic. She likes the motorcycles, judging by her entrance video.
Also, she likes wearing her denim shirts unbuttoned just about all the way
down. Phantom seems more bodybuilder than wrestler, hitting the standard
"check out my lats" pose following the double bicep. Wheels with a
surprise clothesline as we start. Clothesline. Phantom goes outside and
takes umbrage...oh, showing "prima donna" behaviour to the fans, I guess.
McLane tells us that Wendi Wheels is at home in the ring, or under the
hood. "Phantom, on the other hand, is an outcast from her peers. Always
told bodybuilders don't play the violin - it's a sign of weakness -
Phantom, as you can see, is a tortured soul." Lay it on, Dave. Phantom
back between the ropes. Lockup, and Phantom shoves her to the mat.
Phantom moving in slow motion here. Tieup, Wheels to the chickenwing.
Wheels breaks free and shoves her down, Wheels kicks Phantom away. Wheels
is apparently the "American pinup poster girl of every mechanic shop in the
country." Single leg trip by Phantom - elbowdrop on the knee. Holding
on...and dropping another elbow on the knee. Back up, spinning
around...legdrop on the knee. STLIL holding the ankle, and there's ANOTHER
legdrop. Phantom won't let go. Standing on the midsection and then
pulling Wheels' leg backwards. Going back for the leg, standing on the
midsection...and pulling back again. Wheels has developed a Savage limp as
Phantom poses for the crowd. Single leg trip. Phantom places the leg
across the bottom rope - and there's a buttdrop. EVERYTHING is done in
twos in this match as there's another buttdrop on the knee. Marshall's
thoughts quickly turn to Selina. Phantom outside - knee across the apron -
I bet she does it again OH MAN SHE DID IT AGAIN! Phantom does it a THIRD
time to trip me up - AND trip up Wheels, who is limping quite a bit now.
Phantom back in the ring - later in the show, two wrestlers visit Selina in
the hospital! WOW! Phantom kicks the back of the injured leg and Wheels
goes down again. Phantom drapes the leg...but Wheels pulls it away and
Phantom's butt finds nothing but canvas! Wheels with an alleged drop
toehold, and now pretzeling up the legs and pulling backwards. Phantom
grabs the bottom rope. Phantom kicks Wheels away...and poses. Got both
legs...figure four? And yep. Director desperately looking for an angle
where we don't see any naughty bits...I think. Wheels screams...but finds
the rope. Phantom holds until 4, then breaks the hold. Got her by the
hair - scoop...and a slam. Phantom back to the bodybuilder poses. Phantom
grabs the leg...and pulls her out of the corner. Wheels landing on her
back. Phantom going back to the figure four...but turning it over, so
let's call it a Scorpion Deathlock. Wheels screams away...and finally
gives it up. (6:36) Phantom holds onto it just a while longer...then mugs
for the crowd. She wants the mic...oh, but we don't get to hear it, 'cause
we move to
COMING UP NEXT: Jungle Grrrl vs. Terri Gold! The match to settle the
score! Title on the line! Stay tuned!
JUNGLE GRRRL v. TERRI GOLD for the WOW Championship - I forgot to mention -
they've put a WOW logo in the lower right corner - coincidentally, where my
local synidcated stations put THEIR logo, resulting in a jumble mass of
graphics. Oh well. Grrrl wants the mic! "Say goodbye to Terri Gold. I
took it easy on her the first time, but now I'm gonna RIP HER TO SHREDS.
And that's ... the law ... of the jungle." "The WOW Champion, Terri Gold!"
About a hundred pounds of glitter falls from the ceiling as she
enters....including all over the ring, ensuring lots of glitter sticking to
lots of bodies for the rest of the show. Grrrl grabs the title belt and
poses with it...until Gold dropkicks her. And it's on! Gold up on her
shoulders - side body scissors takeover! Gold leaps up and straddles her
shoulder once again - and there's another side body scissors takeover. In
WOW, we do EVERYTHING twice, in case you miss it the first time! Grrrl
goes outside to reassess the sitiation. Back in the ring, side headlock by
Grrrl, takeover. Gold back up...powered out into the ropes, shoulderblock
by Grrrl. Off the ropes, up and over, Gold leapfrog, monkey flip!
Amazingly, Grrrl doesn't injure herself! Armdrag takedown by Gold, to an
armbar. Grrrl to her feet, but Gold works the arm bar. Grrrl breaks it
and slams Gold down. Into the ropes, back body drop. Grrrl up to the top
turnbuckle - double sledge! Isn't this how she won two weeks ago? 1, 2,
KICKOUT! That was so close, we must IMMEDIATELY take an ad break!
When we come back, Gold is in the corner, springing off the second rope
with a crossbody for 2! Gold with a side headlock, wrenching it in - Grrrl
to the corner but Gold holds on - Gold put on the top rope - but her legs
bounce off and she backflips, landing on her feet - kick but Jungle Grrrl
over the top and to the floor! Referee "Blind" Jesse Hernandez puts on the
count as Grrrl..."stalks." Gold pulling Grrrl in the hard way, over the
top rope from the apron and into the ring - got both legs - slingshot, and
Grrrl is over the top AGAIN, and to the floor! Grrrl screams to the fans.
Back in the ring - shoulder to the gut meets Gold on the apron. Grrrl
takes charge...here's a bodyslam. Grrrl outside and climbing to the
top...will she hit the Jungle Splash? Why, no. Lookit all that glitter
fly! Gold to the top - springing off with a twist and a crossbody - 1, 2,
3! Champ retains. (2:28 + 2:21)
DAVID McLANE hits the ring. "Fans, this is your champion...Terri Gold!"
Oh, that's it. Okay.
JULIE DAY stands backstage with RIOT. "Riot, we saw you blow up a car,
then destroy Beckie the Farmer's Daughter's toy pig with a baseball bat.
What do you have to say for yourself?" "Well Beckie's lucky I didn't use
my bat on her - I'd'a knocked her head all the way to Hog Holler, ha ha
ha!" "Some people would say you're a little uncontrollable." "Well SOME
people would be right, 'cause nobody's gonna stop me, and I don't care how
many crybabies I've gotta step on to prove it! As a matter of fact, I
challenge all of you WOW girls to the ring. Are you ready for a Riot?
Huh, how 'bout you, huh?" "Umm, I don't go in the ring - I'm just a field
reporter." "Oh, oh really, come on then, we can do it right here, come on!
Come on!" "Back to you, David..." and she runs off as Riot laughs it up.
Log onto wowe.com for all the latest
information on WOW!
COMING UP NEXT: Jane Blond meets Slam Dunk!
JANE BLOND v. SLAM DUNK - "Jane Blond!" Blond wears a Sable catsuit...come
to think of it, she looks A LOT like Sable. From the music and entrance
video, she's supposed to be James Bond - I'll say this for her, she's more
like Bond than Dean Malenko. Whatever THAT'S worth. "Her opponent, the
six-foot three inch power forward, Slaaaaaaaam Dunk!" I know what you're
thinking - FINALLY we get to see Slam Dunk! Dunk's music starts with a
basketball dribble that turns into a heartbeat...then it turns into cheesy
WOW music. The entrance video shows that she ain't too keen on the finesse
part of the game, and also that she likes to rip rims out of brick walls.
Dunk walks in over the top rope - let's hope the comparison to Kevin Nash
ends there. McLane tells us that Blond's aunt is the current sheriff of
Nottingham, and her sister works for Scotland Yard. I *want* to believe
him, but I don't. Lockup, Dunk to the top wristlock - when she stomps,
that means she's wrenching it in - Blond reverses, single leg takedown,
toehold, Dunk kicks her away. Everybody back up - lockup, Blond to the
side headlock - SHE gets to stomping on the mat for effect. Side headlock
takeover, Dunk reverses to a head scissors. Dunk working on that. Blond
trying to kick out - third time's the charm. Both women back up. Dunk
making "chicken" pantomimes because Blond refuses the test of strength.
WOW this is some empty arena here. Blond finally accepts - and a knuckle
lockin' we go. Dunk pushes her down...Blond fights back...no, Blond to one
knee...to the mat...1, bridging up, Dunk stomps on the abdomen, 1, Blond
bridges up again, 1, Dunk stomps on the abdomen, Blond kicks her away.
Into the ropes, dropkick finds nobody as Dunk holds onto the rope. Dunk
points to her head to let us know she is smart. Into the ropes, boot to
the midsection by Slam Dunk. McLane says "layin' the smack down with the
boots!" Dunk with a legdrop for 2. McLane: "I haven't seen that since the
Big Cat Ernie Ladd!" McLane must not watch much wrestling. Blond put in
the corner...into the opposite corner, reversed. Blond
says...something...then runs into Dunk's boot. Feet on the ropes - why? -
1, 2, referee "Blind" Josh Theyhaven'ttoldmehislastnameyet manages to spy
the feet and tells her to get off it. Dunk tries to bump him. The
argument continues. Dunk asks him to please talk to her hand, 'cause the
hand don't understand. Fireman's carry by Dunk...airplane spin! And a
drop to the mat. Dunk tells us she is...something. Big splash. 1, 2, 3.
(4:23) Oh, Dunk has a basketball temporary tattoo. Replay of the legdrop.
"Where is McLane? McLane, wassup? Is that the best you can do, givin' me
Jane Blond? JANE BLOND - OOOOOOH - that was hard. As you all can see, I
dominate the ring like I dominate the court. That's what I'm talkin'
ABOUT. Now, get ME in the ring with Terri GOLD and let me get a belt to go
with all my championship RINGS, all right? All you all need to remember
is...I am...I slam. I'm out." Oh, I guess that's what she was saying.
COMING UP: Beckie the Farmer's Daughter and Bronco Billie visit Selina
Majors! OH BOY! CALL THE NEIGHBOURS!
Yikes, an "EnerX" ad with TESTIMONIALS - "Yeeeeeah...*stamina's* probably a
good way to put it!"
DANGER v. TANJA THE WARRIOR WOMAN - "The weapons master...her name is
DANGER!" Think Steve Blackman, only a woman. And not Lethal. Looks like
she's gonna have a few words here as well, having put down her nunchuks to
grab the mic. "My name's Danger - you're in my house, you're gonna play by
my rules! I'm the master of all weapons! Bullwhips! Broadswords!
Nunchuks! And these bare hands! So I challenge *anyone* who thinks they
can take me on - weapons or bare hands in this match, to come on forward -
you cross this line, you're in the danger zone, bay-bee! And you're gonna
pay the price! Anyone!" "Her opponent, Tanja the Warrior Woman!" Think
Xena, only less lesbian. Marshall says this is the ultimate homage to her
hero, Xena (translation: please don't sue us). Danger with a quick
dropkick to start. Danger has about three temporary tattoos. Into the
ropes, duck, back elbow by Danger. Into the ropes, sidewalk slam. 1, 2,
oh that was an arrogant cover. Tanja put into the corner. Kick, kick,
into the opposite corner is reversed, Tanja with a kick of her own. Danger
catches the kick and puts her on her back. Catapult across the ring.
Danger pulls her back out to the centre - Tanja with a vicious wedgie!
Danger with a camel clutch, then a hairpull when that starts to slip.
Stomp, stomp. Elbowdrop to the small of the back. Danger with a bodyslam.
Danger telling the crowd we'll play by her rules. I don't even know what
the MEANS! Double axehandle fails as Tanja gets in a knee. Into the
ropes, spinning kick finds the mark, Danger bounces off the ropes and Tanja
shoves her down. Back up, into the ropes, duck, Danger with a clothesline,
falling forward with her. That's the Danger Drop, I guess. 1, 2, SHE
PULLED HER UP! Oooooh! Got Tanja by the hair, calling to the crowd.
Textbook swinging neckbreaker. Elbowdrop...no need to move. 1, 2, 3.
(3:16 - hmmm) Post-match, the ref gets a uranage. I guess the Danger Drop
is a uranage, so forget the one that looked like a clothesline.
I guess Selina Majors' father is caring for her, because he lets in Beckie
and Bronco Billie to see her. Majors sits on the bed with bandages on her
knee. Beckie brought flowers, and Billie baked a chocolate cake! "Did
David McLane send you these?" "No." "Did he send you anything?" "He sold
me that poster." "He is SO cheap!" Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk
Go to wowe.com NOW and post Selina Majors a message! Or send your cards,
letters, and dollar bills to Selina Majors, PO Box 441690, Indianapolis, IN
46244
When we come back, the visit continues. Selina can't do anything but watch
television..."thank goodness, WOW's on so I can see all my friends!" Since
surgery isn't necessary, she can start exercising slowly. "But slowly
isn't in your vocabulary, Selina!" She's gonna git Thug and her gang.
Mentioning Thug's name makes her knee THROB! Bronco Billie promises that
*they'll* get 'em for her - they'll hog-tie 'em and brand 'em with her
Double B!"
HARLEY'S ANGELS (with Thug) v. BECKIE THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER (with four of
her closest relatives) and BRONCO BILLIE - "This is a tag team grudge
match. Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by Thug, it's Harley's
Angels - Charlie Davidson and EZ Rider!" Here's another look at their
entrance video. Rider's borrowed the stick: "Come on, now! Harley's
Angels is in the HOUSE! YEAH! Come on! What? We already crippled
Selina, AHH HA HA HA! YEAH! Now it's time for her friends! Come on,
bring out that Farm Girl, Beckie the pig kissin' Farmer's Daughter! We're
gonna bury her six feet under. And bring out that Bronco Silly - Bronco
Silly, we're gonna saddle you up, baby! And we're gonna ride you into the
ground! Yeah! Harley's Angels!" "Their opponents, first from Hog Holler,
Nebraska - Beckie the FARRRRRMER'S Daughter!" We see Beckie's ENTIRE
entrance video, which...is actually rather painful to watch, now that we
get the full jugband gestalt. "And her partner, from the WIIIIIIILD west,
Brrrronco Billie!" Think Dallas Cowboys cheerleader on a horse. Her
entrance video MAY have actually shown her ropin' a dogie, but we'd need
the FBI to be sure. Rider: "What, did they come to wrestle or dance?"
Beckie tells the camer that they're doing it for Selina. Looks like
Beckie's relatives have all mysteriously disappeared, just like last time.
Rider and Beckie start. How do you tell them apart? Rider has the shirt
under the leather vest. And now she tags in Davidson before any contact.
HERE we go. Tieup, Davidson to the face. Into the ropes, Beckie slides
under and tags Billie. Billie with a dropkick. What, a high ten isn't a
tag? Rider gets the tag while they were busy celebrating. Rider doing a
"ropin'" dance to mock her. McLane says we'll be right back with the start
of this action. The START? What was THAT minute? Welllll.....MAYBE he
had a point.
OH MAN BRET HART GUEST STARS ON "LORENZO LAMAS IS THE IMMORTAL" - and Bret
Hart actually has "You kick like a mule, son" as one of his lines! Man,
WHY didn't they promote this on WCW? Actually, after seeing Hart act, I
think I'm safe in saying he should *probably* stick to his day j-- ohhh
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure if anything happened during the break, but when we come back,
Rider and Billie are locking it up - armdrag takeover by Billie - now with
an arm wringer and wrenching it in. Rider with a punch to the gut to break
it. *Rider* working an arm wringer. Billie kicks her away. Big-time
stalling. Finally, they lock up again...hairpull into the corner - Beckie
comes in, keeping the ref from paying attention to the doubleteam going on
behind him. Billie needs to make a tag (all of a sudden) but Rider holds
the headlock and pounds the back with clubbing forearms. Taunt and slap
for Beckie - Beckie to the floor! Now she's in...but the ref holds her
back. Illegal doubleteam behind his back - into the ropes, double back
elbow - 1, 2, kickout. Davidson with a scoop....shout....and a slam. Got
her hair again. Put in the corner, tag to Rider. Punches to the
abdomen...reverse side headlock by Rider...Billie pushing her towards the
corner. If you're ANY student of the old school, you know that NOW is the
time for Davidson to come in, draw over the ref, and make sure he misses
the face team tag behind his back. Which, of course, he does. Ref
occupied with putting Beckie back in her corner as the Angels repeatedly
double elbow Billie in the back. Davidson with another side headlock.
Again, Billie slowly but surely makes her way to the corner - and, at the
last moment, Rider comes in and makes sure that the referee misses the tag.
Double slam behind the ref's back. Rider covers - 1, 2, SHE PULLS HER UP!!
Side headlock, once again, and once again Billie reaches for the
tag...quick shot to the abdomen, and this time she *does* make that HOT HOT
TAG - Beckie in with a dropkick for Rider, a dropkick for Davidson, a
dropkick for Thug on the apron! Rider and Davidson have a meeting of the
minds with a double noggin knocker! All of a sudden, Bronco Billie is just
fine, and she gets the tag - Rider whipped into the corner, whip into the
opposite corner, but it's reversed. Double sledge MISSES - Billie with a
bulldog! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Davidson comes in to break it up! Beckie
in with a dropkick for her - now *Thug* is in - gutshot, scoop slam,
Davidson and Rider pin her at the ankles and hair for a big Thug splash.
Oops, that's it for THIS match. (DQ 1:00 + 4:56) And here's a SECOND
splash. Holding her down for a THIRD splash from Thug. Beckie rolled out
- bodyslam for Billie - now holding HER down for a splash - ANOTHER splash.
MY GOD WILL SOMEONE STOP THIS CARNAGE - THIRD spalsh by Thug. Tripleteam
stompdown on both ladies - and now Thug tosses the REF over the top rope to
the floor. TERRI GOLD is out as McLane screams for us to get on the
Internet...huh? Dropkick by Gold for Thug, dropkick for Rider, credits are
already up and we're...
Promotional consideration paid for by Tootsie candies, Invention Submission
Corporation, and Tootsie candies again.
Distributed by MG-Perin, Inc.
...out.
Christopher Robin Zimmermanwww.CRZ.net