LOW LIBRARY – In a recent statement regarding the university’s expansion into Manhattanville, President Bollinger had two words to say: “You’re welcome.” When asked to elaborate on this statement, Bollinger became impatient.

“Look, complain about gentrification all you want, but the fact remains the same: the neighborhood’s an eyesore,” Bollinger said. “Jesus, let’s at least toss a few Starbucks in there. Like it says on our website, this campus will provide innovative spaces for teaching and the shared human experiences of a city defined by openness and diversity, as long as you’re able to afford our $70k/year price tag.”

Tired of the Manhattanville controversy, Bollinger is reportedly planning the next campus expansion on pre-gentrified space in East Harlem. Still, he is unapologetic about the Manhattanville campus’ impact on the surrounding area: “Those residents will be thanking us once they’ve tasted their first salad from Sweetgreen.”

“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”