Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Lee Scott, Walmart President and CEO, unveiled an exciting new pricing strategy for its 6,100 stores around the world. Scott said his model is “based on a Sears strategy from years ago that segmented products into ‘Good,’ ‘Better,’ ‘Best’ categories.” To distinguish Walmart’s effort, their marketers have assigned these category names: “Shoddiest,” “Shoddier,” and “Shoddy.”

To further leverage Walmart’s position in the marketplace, the company will emphasize the “Shoddiest” category in its buying plans. “Walmart wants to be second to none in offering the lowest prices and poorest quality, always.” The word “Always” has become synonymous with the Walmart logo and is proudly displayed on its store fronts and trucks.

The Walmart announcement is apparently the cause of last week’s 400-plus-point drop in the U.S. stock market and the 9-percent drop in equities around the world. The managing director general of the Asian Development Bank, Rajat M. Nag, said that “the shift toward lower-priced merchandise at Walmart will certainly depress the long-term growth of the Chinese economy and at the same time rein in consumer spending in the U.S.”

Washington, D.C. —This morning, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced that the U.S. Mint will be moved to the Wujiang Economic Development Zone in Jiangsu Province, China. The move had been expected because of the “exorbitant labor costs associated with its present locations in Denver and Philadelphia,” said Geithner. In honor of the move, a commemorative set of coins will be struck bearing the likenesses of Chinese president Hu Jintao on one side and a red panda (Ailurus fulgens fulgens), a native of southwest China, on the other.

To further reduce costs, Geithner said that, beginning January 2010, the current mix of metals used for coinage will be restricted to aluminum. “Aluminum will be much easier on the pockets and purses of Americans due to its lighter weight,” claims Edmund C. Moy, Director of the Mint. “Plus, we’ll be able to tap into the volume of beverage cans now littering the nation’s roadways for raw material.”

The Bureau of Engraving and Printing will remain in Washington, although several initiatives will reduce the cost of printing paper currency. Larry R. Felix, the bureau’s director, will phase out the printing of the “green” side of all bills. “The ink savings incurred will be substantial,” said Felix. “In addition, having a blank side will allow consumers to jot down shopping lists and other notes, although, sadly, the term ‘greenback’ will disappear from the English lexicon.”

As of January 2009, China held more than $700 billion in U.S. securities. “Having the U.S. Mint in China will facilitate the purchase of coinage,” asserted Geithner. “The People’s Bank of China has a branch office in Jiangsu, and we will be meeting with its representatives shortly at The Joy Luck Club in Nanjiing, along with Hong Kong actor Aaron Kwok, famous for his role in ‘After This Our Exile’ and now PR Director for People’s Bank.”

The National Council of Churches (NCC: http://www.ncccusa.org) has issued a fatwa, in the form of a death sentence, against Bill Maher (http://billmaher.com) for his 2008 production of the film, “Religulous” (http://lionsgate.com/religulous). NCC president, Archbishop Vicken Aykazian, said in a news conference, held at Armenian Orthodox Church of America headquarters, that the unusual step “was necessary to hinder the movement of Americans away from religion and toward secularism.” The most famous recent fatwa was that issued by Ayatollah Khomeini in 1989 when the Muslim cleric pronounced a death sentence on Salman Rushdie (http://www.subir.com/rushdie.html), author of The Satanic Verses.

When asked if the NCC member congregations were altering their fundamental doctrinal tenets to align with Islam’s sacred text, the Qur'an, Archbishop Aykazian said, “Oh, yes. It’s our effort to become a more multicultural organization. What better way than to embrace a tactic from our Abrahamic brothers by ending the life of this spokesman for atheism while simultaneously reaching out to other apostates?”

Liz Robbins of the New York Times asked Aykazian if Maher’s hand might instead be severed as a symbolic act or if “he was, in fact, to be assassinated?” The archbishop responded that “The details haven’t been worked out” but that “the media would be given ample notice. We are also giving consideration to modifying the edict to a mere stoning, a tradition found in both Christian and Islamic histories.”

Maher’s reaction was swift: “My agent is in negotiation with the council. She’s suggesting waterboarding instead of either death or stoning. Even former Vice president Cheney feels that this would be the more humane approach. Either that or send me on holiday to Abu Ghraib.”

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – At a special convocation of the College of Cardinals, Pope Benedict announced the elevation of Mel Gibson to the position of Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church. Although rumors had been circulating ever since the release of Gibson’s film, “The Passion of the Christ,” most of those close to the Pope had expected an announcement on Easter Sunday in April.

Dominican Father Augustine Di Noia, undersecretary of the doctrinal congregation, called the film the best scourging of flesh he had seen in a long time. “Those 12 minutes will live with me forever,” Di Noia said. “I went back to my apartment and immediately tried to recreate the scene before several of my peers. Before I knew it, we were all dressed in loincloths, heads rimmed with thorns, beating the hell out of each other. Thank God, we had just received a new cask of wine for the Eucharist. Eased the pain, you know.”

Percy Godot, Gibson’s agent, said that his client was not available for comment, having gone into seclusion for an indefinite period: “Mel needs time to take in his new-found sanctity. Plus he is being fitted for his new robes, a tasteful mélange of lily white with splashes of red.” Asked if it was true that now-Cardinal Gibson was planning a sequel to “The Passion,” Godot said that His Eminence was merely waiting Vatican approval of the film’s tentative title, “Son of the Passion of the Christ.”

Because of the threatened influx of retiring baby boomers, Florida’s Governor Christ has decided to strengthen the state’s northern border with Alabama and Georgia. At present there are only ten entry checkpoints found at Interstates 75, 95, and 10 and seven other major highway border crossings. The original purpose of these checkpoints was to inspect tractor-trailer contents for agricultural products that might contain insect or disease pests.

“Now we have a more serious pest,” said Christ from his offices in Tallahassee. “The expected invasion of soon-to-be retirees will affect our ability to fund Medicaid over the long term. Plus, they represent a hazard to a driving public who must be on constant guard against their mindless turns and indecisive drifting from lane to lane.”

The governor’s plan includes tripling the number of checkpoints and building a 12-foot fence along the entire northern border, similar to that found on the U.S. border with Mexico. Funding for the project will be shared by the state and federal governments, with 80 percent coming from billions in federal stimulus money allocated to Florida. “Yes, schools will get less than originally intended,” said Christ, “but we must maintain our image as the Sunshine State rather than the Sunset State, as some pundits would describe it.” The other 20 percent will come from an excise tax placed on mobility scooters and incontinence pads.

Reaction was swift from several quarters. A. Barry Rand, CEO of AARP, fired off a scathing memo to Christ, which closed with these lines: “. . . and, who’s going to replace the residents of Florida’s trailer parks as their owners die off? My mother, who lives in La Palma Verde Grande, is frightened at the prospect of having no more neighbors in a few years. Who will she play Mahjong with?” Urto Fissatore, speaking for the Florida Association of Motor Vehicle Body Shops, was equally angry: “At least half the body shops in Florida will shut down. Seniors are our best customers, and they are repeat customers with Lincolns and Caddies.”

Christ emphasized that this is all perfectly legal, and to help in the transition, he has ordered five-million “Welcome” brochures from North Dakota’s Department of Economic Development. An equal number of roadmaps has been ordered as well to facilitate the emigration of retirees to that state. Said Christ, “North Dakota’s a great place for retirees. The cost of living is low, and there’s always a breeze, just like Florida.”

In order to dispel the notion that enhanced interrogation methods like waterboarding are torture, former Vice President Dick Cheney recently subjected himself to this interrogation technique and, in the process, set a new world record. The old record of 183 times was set in March 2003 by Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the self-described planner of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. Cheney set a new standard of 200 times in only three weeks.

“Actually, it was quite enjoyable,” said Cheney. “The Bushes say it’s similar to part of the Skull and Bones Society initiation at Yale, where they pour Champagne Philipponnat through a split croissant fastened to the mouth with an almond glaze. Of course, I never joined, being somewhat busy chasing furburger while attending Yale.” When asked by a reporter if it was true that he had flunked out of Yale, Cheney scowled, “Executive privilege, you little wanker.”

The vice president certainly dressed the part. He came fully clad in shiny black leather shorts and laced bustier, which enhanced his physique. However, he did have some difficulty negotiating the stairway leading down to the interrogation room wearing five-inch, spiked heels. Only one newsman, Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, was allowed in the room with Cheney to verify the count. Screams of “Yes, yes, yes” could be heard echoing through a ventilation duct, reminding one reporter of the final chapter in James Joyce’s Ulysses.

When the ordeal was over, Cheney exited the interrogation room, his signature smirk having shifted from the left side of his mouth to the right, with strands of toweling stuck between his teeth. “Well, boys, I did it,” said Cheney. “Next week I’m going for the world record of stacked, naked bodies. I’ve already contacted the women’s 2008 roller derby champions, the Gotham Girls of New York City. Of course, I’ll be at the top of the heap.” O'Reilly was heard murmuring, "Can I come, can I come?" repeatedly.

House Republican Leader, John (Man-Tan) Boehner (R-Ohio), came out on top in the Republican Party’s annual pissing contest. Dubbed “Pee for Democracy,” the contest has been waged every year since 1980 when Ronald Reagan outdistanced George H. W. Bush with a mark of 14 feet, 3 inches, a record that still stands. That win guaranteed Reagan’s victory in the subsequent presidential contest. The combined record of 32.75 points (distance plus volume) is held by Rush (Telatubby) Limbaugh. Point totals are determined by an arcane formula devised by former Federal Reserve Chairman, Alan Greenspan.

The contest, at Mitch O’Neill’s Pub in Syosset, NY, was held over a period of four days and coincided with the playing of the U.S. Open golf championship in nearby Bethpage. Because of rain delays at the Bethpage course, attendance at the golf classic suffered. In addition, Pee for Democracy’s organizers offered Bud Lite Draft, the contest’s sponsors, to spectators at 1960 prices—50¢ per pint, which further dampened Open attendance.

This year’s finalists included winner Boehner, perennial favorite Limbaugh (second), Bill O’Reilly of Fox (third), and author and conservative activist, Ann Coulter (fourth). Coulter’s participation was a first for women and reflected a desire of the Republican Party to be more inclusive. Like golf, the women’s pee-tee-off spot was circumscribed to offset the male penile advantages of adjustable elevation and tighter stream.

Disappointing was the performance of the early favorite, President George W. Bush, who barely reached the 3-foot hash mark. “I cain’t unnerstan it,” said Bush. “I been practicin’ for months and was spectacle. If we hadda skeet virgin of the contest, I woulda’ won hands down. Last week, ah was like a dead-eye dick, hittin’ them skitterin’ tumbleweed down at the Crawford ranch.”

Boehner was his usual, magnanimous self, offering O’Reilly a redo of a misdirected effort in the final round. “I saw that Bill was momentarily distracted by a picket shouting, ‘O’Reilly sucks fox - - - -*,’ so after a 30-minute delay and two pints of Bud, Bill recovered his composure and edged out Ann by a stroke, so to speak.”

Limbaugh was bitter: “I’m not used to dealing with a headwind and should have had a redo. I guess O’Reilly is the only one that gets fair and balanced treatment around here.” Contest head, Pat Buchanan, countered Limbaugh’s complaint by saying, “Rush should be more flexible, not so rigid. He should have listened to his handlers and reduced his angle of elevation.”

Sunday, June 14, 2009

J. Craig Venter, founder of The Institute for Genomic Research, announced that Rush Limbaugh’s genome has been sequenced. In what Venter describes as an “atypical genome,” Limbaugh was shown to have only 11,000 genes, roughly one-third that of humans in general. “Surprisingly,” said Venter, “this is the same number found in the nematode, or roundworm, one species of which can be found in the gut of infected dogs.”

Venter would not comment on the significance of this finding, saying only that Limbaugh could represent a danger to higher animals should they ingest any tissue fragments that slough off his body. “Of particular concern are domestic animals, especially canines, that are known to lick bare skin,” said Venter. “You wouldn’t want Rover to have a Limbaugh growing in his gut. Nematodes do reproduce asexually rather than “bud” off new individuals, as do hydra. But a danger does exist. And remember, we have entered a vast unknown in the person of Limbaugh.” When asked if humans were at risk, Venter replied, “Very unlikely. After all, who would want to lick Rush Limbaugh?”

Except for his girth, Limbaugh appears to bear an uncanny resemblance to the typical human male. However, his tendency to bounce up and down when agitated is inconsistent with adult human behavior. America’s leading psychologist, Dr. Phil (drphil.com), offers up this explanation: “Without a doubt, Rush Limbaugh is missing genetic material present in higher animals. In particular, his amygdala, that region of the brain controlling behavior, is likely to be shortchanged. It would be unfair of me to compare his conduct with that of a territorial great ape, but the parallel is certainly there.”