Tag Archives: hair

I would like to tell you about my facial hair. It won’t take long because I barely have any. I’m incapable of growing a beard or sideburns. My sideburns consist of six little hairs on both sides of my face. My beard consists of seven hairs scattered across my chin and one hair poking out of the top of my neck. The hairs don’t grow very fast either. I could let it grow for two months and they would still look like stubble. It’s actually faster for me to pluck my beard with tweezers than to shave it. I have a little bit of a soul patch under my bottom lip. It’s not much but it’s nicer looking than my beard. I can grow a mustache, but I don’t because it looks beyond sleazy. Not like ’70s porn star sleazy, like convicted child molester sleazy. I’ve been asked by multiple people to not participate in Movember. My facial hair offends them.

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I overheard one of my coworkers saying “Your hair looks nice today!” to my manager. My manager thanked her. I don’t know why. “Your hair looks nice today” is not a real compliment. Why can’t her hair just be nice? Why did she have stress today? It’s the equivalent of saying that your hair is usually a mess but it looks good at this particular moment. It makes you question what your hair looks like on a daily basis. It’s like when someone comments that you’re in a good mood. That means you’re usually an asshole. You got to read between the lines. Not all compliments are compliments. Your hair looks nice today. Normally it doesn’t.

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A comb over is a hairstyle for bald/balding men who are either in denial about being bald or who have no shame. Whatever remaining hair on the head is grown long and then combed over the bald spot in a feeble attempt to hide the bald spot. I was having an intense bar conversation outside my favorite pub the other day. I was in the middle of proving my point when a newcomer walked into the bar with the most stunning comb over I’ve ever seen. It was beyond majestic. I completely lost my train of thought. I’m pretty sure my jaw actually dropped. To top it off, it was a breezy day so it waved in the wind as he entered. It was glorious. Words truly can’t describe how epic his comb over was. You could tell he took time to groom himself. Comb overs like that take a while to perfect. He was a professional. It was immaculate. It was just the right amount of wispy hair stretched over a perfectly polished scalp. I wish I took a picture but I was in shock. All I could do was stare. It was incredible. Seriously. I want you to know this.

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I’ve noticed that there is always a pubic hair on the shower wall. It doesn’t matter if it’s your shower, a hotel’s shower, or a friend’s shower. It doesn’t matter if you’re a dirty person or anal about cleaning. It doesn’t even matter if you shave downstairs. There’s still going to be a pubic hair on the wall and it’s hardly ever yours. You can’t fight it. Don’t try to. Embrace the pube on the wall. Marvel at how curly it is. Wonder how it got so high up there. Aim the showerhead at it to wash it away. Notice that it’s back on the wall the next day. It’s a mystery, a conspiracy, a law of the universe. I theorize that every missing sock turns into a pubic hair on the shower wall. That’s the only explanation for the phenomenon.

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I have spiked hair and I wear hoodies. The two don’t really get along. If you try to put a hoodie on over spiked hair, you end up crushing your hair and destroying your spikes. I’ve learned that it’s best to put on your hoodie and then spike your hair. It’s a lot easier to take off a hoodie without destroying your spikes than it is to put one on. You can’t really wear the hood when you have spiked hair, but the hood is mostly for looks anyway. So is spiked hair though. You can’t do anything with your spikes. They aren’t like antlers or anything. You can’t use them to fight off other males looking for female attention. I realize now that spiked hair and hoodies isn’t the most logical fashion choice, but spiked hair looks cool and hoodies are comfy as fuck so I’m not changing. You can keep your bald head and cardigans.

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People eat food and people shed hairs. At some point in your life, those two occurrences will collide and you will find hair in your food. Everyone has hair, and everyone’s hair falls out. You will have to deal with someone else’s hair in your food at some point. You just don’t want to eat it. It doesn’t matter how hygienic they are, or how clean and conditioned their hair is, you don’t want any of their dead cells in your mouth. Hair in your food is gross. But there’s nothing worse than finding a hair in your food when you’re halfway done with your meal. It makes you sick to your stomach. It makes you wonder if you had a bite of food that contained someone else’s follicles. Just don’t take it out on your server. It’s not his fault. Blame the shedding cook. And hopefully it’s not curly.

Your hair is getting long and shaggy, and it’s time for a trim. You go to the barbershop, you plop down some cash, and you leave a while later with a stylish new do. But nobody notices it. Nobody cares about it. Nobody compliments you on it. The world is indifferent. You should have saved your money and let your hair continue to grow. Don’t take it personally when nobody notices that you got a haircut. People tend not to notice minor changes in other people’s appearances. Everyone has got their own shit to deal with. Besides, you probably didn’t notice that Sarah is wearing a new shirt, and she’s crushed that you didn’t even say anything about it. You asshole.

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I finally have chest hair. Well, a chest hair. As in one single solitary chest hair. It only took me 28 years and five months to grow it, but I grew it, and it’s all mine. It’s attached by a root and everything. It even rustles gently in the breeze. I think that I got it from when I went to Vegas last week. I’m a man now, up there with Tom Selleck and Pierce Brosnan, and it’s all thanks to my hairy chest. The ladies are lining up now. I never thought that I would ever have a chest hair. I really didn’t think I was genetically capable of it. My dad has no chest hair, so I’ve always assumed that I would continue the trend of being chest bald. I actually found gray hairs on my head before I grew a chest hair. Think about how amazingly pathetic that is. I don’t use the word pity very often, but my chest hair situation was pretty pitiful. I guess pitiful is better than non-existent, so I shouldn’t be complaining. I’m sure there are a lot of other guys who wish that they had a chest hair too. Just hope and believe, and maybe someday you will join the big boy club like me.

You just got a haircut and you’re looking good but feeling itchy. Somehow some rouge hairs got up under your shirt and onto your shoulders and that shit is starting to chafe. As you’re slowly being stabbed by your own sheared follicles, you’ll wonder how effective your conditioner is because it’s obviously not making your hair soft and silky. That shit hurts. Being itchy after a haircut is one of the drawbacks of personal grooming, but society requires us to look presentable.

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Trimming your nose hair is important. I’m only bringing this up because it’s easy to forget. One super long nose hair can be super distracting during a conversation. It’s hard to make eye contact when that thin nose eel is peeking out at me. You’ll remember to do it before a date or a night on the town, but it’s most important to do it before you go to the dentist. He’ll be up close and personal, both him and his assistant studying your facial features in detail, analyzing every flaw and long nose hair is definitely one. So get rid of it.

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I woke up the other morning and trudged my way to the bathroom to take a piss and brush my teeth. As I stood half-asleep gazing at my reflection, something caught my eye. A flash of white in the midst of my dark brown hair. I grabbed some tweezers and plucked out a tuft of hair in the offending area. There it was, a single strand of gray hair surrounded by its youthful fellow follicles. Life is full of accomplishments: learning to walk, learning to talk, first day of school, losing your first tooth, puberty, etc. Your first gray hair is not an accomplishment. It’s a reminder that you are going to die. Growing up, you assume that you are immortal, but then you see your first gray hair and reality slaps you in the face. You are getting older and older, and each heartbeat is one closer to death. Try not to dwell on it and have a nice day.

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Finding money is cool, but finding weed on the floor is even better. You can ignore the five-second rule if weed is involved. The fire will kill the germs. Germs hate fire. It’s science. Finding a nug on the floor is awesome. It’s like a present from your stoney past. You just have to check it for hair. Burning hair is bad enough, but smoking hair will kill you. It’s science.