A Christmas Gift for My Daughter

by Harry BrowneThis article was originally published in December, 2002. A previous version of it was published on December 25, 1966, dedicated to Harryís then 9-year-old daughter.

Itís Christmas, and I have the usual problem of deciding what to give you. I know you might enjoy many things Ė books, games, clothes.

But Iím very selfish. I want to give you something that will stay with you for more than a few months or years. I want to give you a gift that might remind you of me every Christmas.

If I could give you just one thing, Iíd want it to be a simple truth that took me many years to learn. If you learn it now, it may enrich your life in hundreds of ways. And it may save your having to face many problems that have hurt people whoíve never learned it.

The truth is simply this:

No one owes you anything.

Significance

How could such a simple statement be important? It may not seem so, but understanding it can bless your entire life.

No one owes you anything.

It means that no one else is living for you, my child. Because no one is you. Each person is living for himself; his own happiness is all he can ever personally feel.

When you realize that no one owes you happiness or anything else, youíll be freed from expecting what isnít likely to be.
It means no one has to love you. If someone loves you, itís because thereís something special about you that gives him happiness. Find out what that something special is and try to make it stronger in you, so that youíll be loved even more.

When people do things for you, itís because they want to Ė because you, in some way, give them something meaningful that makes them want to please you, not because anyone owes you anything.

No one has to like you. If your friends want to be with you, itís not out of duty. Find out what makes others happy so theyíll want to be near you.

No one has to respect you. Some people may even be unkind to you. But once you realize that people donít have to be good to you, and may not be good to you, youíll learn to avoid those who would harm you. For you donít owe them anything either.

Living your Life

No one owes you anything.

You owe it to yourself to be the best person possible. Because if you are, others will want to be with you, want to provide you with the things you want in exchange for what youíre giving to them.

Some people will choose not to be with you for reasons that have nothing to do with you. When that happens, look elsewhere for the relationships you want. Donít make someone elseís problem your problem.

Once you learn that you must earn the love and respect of others, youíll never expect the impossible and you wonít be disappointed. Others donít have to share their property with you, nor their feelings or thoughts.

If they do, itís because youíve earned these things. And you have every reason to be proud of the love you receive, your friendsí respect, the property youíve earned. But donít ever take them for granted. If you do, you could lose them. Theyíre not yours by right; you must always earn them.

My experience

A great burden was lifted from my shoulders the day I realized that no one owes me anything. For so long as Iíd thought there were things I was entitled to, Iíd been wearing myself out Ė physically and emotionally Ė trying to collect them.

No one owes me moral conduct, respect, friendship, love, courtesy, or intelligence. And once I recognized that, all my relationships became far more satisfying. Iíve focused on being with people who want to do the things I want them to do.

That understanding has served me well with friends, business associates, lovers, sales prospects, and strangers. It constantly reminds me that I can get what I want only if I can enter the other personís world. I must try to understand how he thinks, what he believes to be important, what he wants. Only then can I appeal to someone in ways that will bring me what I want.

And only then can I tell whether I really want to be involved with someone. And I can save the important relationships for those with whom I have the most in common.

Itís not easy to sum up in a few words what has taken me years to learn. But maybe if you re-read this gift each Christmas, the meaning will become a little clearer every year.

This site contains copyrighted material the use of which in some cases has not been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. Such material is made available for the purposes of news reporting, education, research, comment, and criticism, which constitutes a 'fair use' of such copyrighted material in accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. It is our policy to respond to notices of alleged infringement that comply with the DMCA and other applicable intellectual property laws. It is our policy to remove material from public view that we believe in good faith to be copyrighted material that has been illegally copied and distributed by any of our members or users.