Pirate Masters: "Mates, there's treasure to be had in that Iran war!" Har har har...

Here I've been wracking my brains for the last two or three years trying to come up with a way to end the war on Iraq. Hummm. Perhaps we could try making the Iraqis too happy to fight by giving them back their oil money and encouraging them to build a bunch of malls and buy plasma TVs that will beam news stories into their living rooms constantly telling them just how wonderful it is to be able to live in the United States of Iraq?

Or we could simply bring all our troops home right now -- sure, there'd be a bloodbath over there but there's already a blood bath over there now so no one would hardly even notice that our troops have left -- except of course for the mothers, spouses and children of said troops who will no longer have their sons, daughters, spouses and parents coming home in a box.

Or we could just send all the Muslims in Iraq off on Hajj and let the Saudis deal with the problem.

And then there's my current favorite solution to the war on Iraq -- to get rid of all those top-heavy generals in the Pentagon whose cushy desk jobs all depend on this "war". According to http://iraqslogger.com columnist Soldier Mom, "[If] you don't want soldiers to die, you just put in a policy -- a soldier dies, a general gets fired." Works for me. If we put that policy in place, then all those generals in the Pentagon with all those cushy desk jobs would have to think twice before agreeing to sell their souls to the devil in order to keep sucking up those paychecks.

"But, Jane. Do you honestly think that those cushy Pentagon generals actually DO make decisions just based on job security?" Duh yeah. As most people in the American military already know -- and my own experiences with higher-ups in the State Department and DoD while trying to get re-embedded in Iraq sadly bear this out as well -- if you want to say anything truthful about what is going on over in Iraq, you gotta "cover your ar*e" and/or be in a position to "retire" first. And even then you're gonna catch a whole bunch of flack.

According to an article in OpEd News, "George W. Bush, in effect, just fired the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Peter Pace, USMC. This is unprecedented, as it is the first time the JCS Chair has not been reappointed. ....Pace has been the most visible symbol of the push-back within the military against the Long War." So it looks like another general who dared to speak out against Bush's failed Iraq policies has just been fired. Let's just hope he has unemployment insurance.

But while I was busy cogitating on various ideas on how to end our Bush-induced nightmare in Iraq, I got an e-mail from my friend Joe Thomspon from Tennessee. Our Joe has been around since the Great Depression and has -- literally -- seen it all. He wrote, "Jane, what everyone seems to miss is, that this war is not meant to be won by anyone or anything. It's just a bottomless money pit for all the insiders involved. Have you noticed that every time the Congress tries to cut the funding, the violence increases. Then when they get their money the violence decreases until the next appropriations comes up for renewal and then all hell breaks loose again."

Good grief. Joe could be right! And if he is, do you know what this means? It means that we are gonna be stuck with the War on Iraq forever! Why? Because the whole freaking operation is being run by PIRATES! Johnny Depp and Keith Richards, step aside. It looks like America has just been boarded and sacked by the baddest pirates to ever sail the Arabian Sea or the Strait of Hormoz. Does Cap'n Cheney and his neo-con crew really have the World's End in their sights? "Avast, mateys! Set the sails!" Har har har.

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I just finished watching that new TV reality show called "Pirate Master" and was totally surprised not to see Bush and Cheney in their crew. Imagine how the show's ratings would skyrocket if that had happened -- especially when they cut Cheney adrift and handed Bush the Black Spot!

And I bet you anything that this Endless War excuse for sacking and looting is the real reason why cut-throat Cap'n Dick and his loyal parrot Dubya are plotting their next pirate expedition -- to Iran. Ya gotta give them credit for pursuing their pirate trade with no quarter. The Iraq expedition wasn't enough. Now they're out to ransack for even more gold doubloons.

"Yar, listen up, ye motley swabs!" If, according to the Pirate Code, the ship's cap'n always gets to keep half of the loot and his crew gets to keep a bunch of it too, then let's do the math. If Cap'n Dick and his scurvy crew of war profiteers can score even MORE loot after their Iran expedition, the American people will have spent almost a trillion dollars on war since Bush and Cheney started stearing OUR ship of state -- and the sum of the treasure that these two pirates and their mates will have buried in the Cayman Islands since they first commandeered the 2000 election could be worth as much as three-fourths of a trillion dollars. That's a lot of bootie!

Don't you just hate it when you've been robbed by pirates?

So. What can we do to save our sinking ship? Let's hold a Pirates' Court! Let's toss Cap'n Dick and his mangy parrot in the brig right now -- before they can set sail on the Iran expedition and also before they can force what is left of America's highly-trained and professional pre-2001 military to walk the plank.

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PS: My daughter Ashley just gave me the 411 on the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. "It's as good as the first one but better than the second one." Whew. I liked the first one okay but hated the second one. Too many squids! "And the Voodoo Queen is in this one too. I love the Voodoo Queen!"

"What Voodoo Queen?"

"Don't you remember? She was in the second one, right near the end." Oh. That explains that. I got bored and left halfway through POTC 2. Rats. I love voodoo queens. And I also love "Talk Like a Pirate" day, the Disneyland Pirates of the Caribbean ride, all forms of swashbuckling and of course Johnny Depp. I just don't like corporate pirates who are looting the U.S. Treasury, having blood on their hands from all that raping and pillaging, sending our brave troops to Davey Jones' locker and turning our planet into a dead man's chest.

Stillwater is a freelance writer who hates injustice and corruption in any form but especially injustice and corruption paid for by American taxpayers. She has recently published a book entitled, "Bring Your Own Flak Jacket: Helpful Tips For Touring (more...)