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10.12.2009

Quick Question

Obviously, there is a story behind the following question. I will re-post the entire thing later, but I wanted get feed back prior to you hearing what happened. That, and I'm sure my tirade will be lengthy and I just don't have time to properly get it all out this morning.
I know that many of you are moms, while many are not. I'm looking for an honest answer, regardless of what you think I want to hear. So, here is my simple question:

If you are a mom, do you hang out with 'non-moms,' and if you are a 'non-mom,' do you have friends that are moms? How does this effect the friendship? Do you feel that the other fully understands your life? Do you find yourself drifting to women that fall within your category? Have you had a friendship drift apart because of the difference between being a mom or non-mom? (side question) Do you feel that men encounter the same types of problems/situations, or is it different?

6 comments:

Okay I am not supposed to be on the internet but work has been a bit slow and I sit at a computer every day so how can I not open up my Google reader? Right?

Anyway, I couldn't help but comment on this. I have friends who are both moms and not. I have not had any friendships change signficantly since I became a mom.

However, how we spend time has changed. That is, I don't know any mom with very young children that would even consider staying out at a bar late drinking. It just doesn't work to parent hung over (or extremely tired, if the mom decided to be DD or something). My sister is actually the one this has been hardest on. She just wants me to "go out" with her and I just can't. But she understands. Does she really, really "get it"? Probably not, but she does enough and doesn't give me much grief about it.

All of that being said, I still try to make an effort to do things without children around for my non-mom friends. Like meeting for lunch during a weekday. And I try to specifically talk about something other than children around them.

But my non-mom friends also have many other mom friends so I think the non-moms have just accepted that the kids will be around at times.

Does this change for men? NO. It absolutely does not. Ok, maybe a little. A miniscule amount. I don't know why but it just doesn't produce the significant change for men. I would like to say it is cultural but for me it is almost like I can't be selfish anymore (which is not to say that the dads are being selfish, just that they don't even think about being so selfless...yes, selfless is a better word).

I would like to be less selfless but there is sort of a martyr instinct that kicks in. At least for me it has and I never thought it even existed. It does! I've had to a make a specific effort to refocus on myself lately. Of course, Nick (the dad) is supportive but he doesn't have to specifically make an effort to focus on himself in the first place, you know?

I think you already know my answer to this... but as a non-mom, yes, it has been an awkward time for me in the past few years as most of my friends have become moms. I absolutely understand where they are coming from and the fact that their children are now their first priority... and it's not a priority that can change. I can tell David to fend for himself because I am doing (fill in the blank) but you can't tell a child that. So I get totally get that a mom's friendship with anyone is going to have to take on a different shape. The part that is hard for me is that I can't relate to most of the "big stuff" in their lives anymore. It's no one's fault... it's just the circumstances. I have two girls I consider my bestest best friends. Both of them have small children. They both also have different types of husbands. With one of them, the husband is pretty good about letting her have "her" time. When I am with her, we don't have a problem talking about non-mom things. Even when she talks about mom things, it's not overkill. With the other one, her husband is the opposite... so she never gets any time by herself. It's like she doesn't know how to be anything but a mom. When we talk, it's about the kids. When we spend time together, the kids are there. We can still have a good time, but it's a lot different. So, I think it just depends on a lot of factors. With those girls and my other good friends who are moms, the dynamic has changed but not the friendship itself.

However, with my not-as-close mom friends, I do feel like an outcast. Those friendships have suffered. With my BFF's, for lack of a better term, they know that if their kid starts throwing a fit, I'm probably going to go home. They don't take it personally, they just know I'm not comfortable in that situation. With my non-BFF's, it's sometimes like they judge me because I don't think a crying baby or a poopy diaper is ordinary. Like "He's a kid. He cries. Get over it." I also feel judged by some friends because I'm not sure if I want kids. I totally respect the fact that once you have a kid, you can't imagine your life without them. But, I wish they would respect the fact that I'm not there yet and may never be.

So, with my BFF's, no - I don't feel myself gravitating away from them because we don't have the kid thing in common. With some of my other friends, yes, I definitely do. David and I have sort of been feeling friendless lately because we want to go do things and everyone has kids. We respect that they can't go places without getting a sitter or bringing the kids, so we rarely ask. Making friends has never been easy for me. I'm a "you like me once you get to know me" person, so that's why I've had the same group of friends for 20+ years. The non-parent thing has really been the catalyst in my saying "It's okay to make some new friends". And, on a corny note, I'm glad because now I'm friends with you!

I'm also glad Jen wrote a long comment so I don't feel like a total comment hijacker! And no, I don't think it changes much for me. A little but not the same way.

I have had friendship changes since having children. It is just naturally easier to hang out with others who understand your place in life, and how long it takes to get out the door, poopy diaper stories and all that goes along with it. That being said, I do love to hang out with non-mom women at times too. It reminds me of a time when I had that freedom to do crazy fun things. However, i am always happy to get home to my family.

As you know, I don't have children. Most of my friends do. And I get that they are busy, tired, etc. But so am I (but for different reason). Yet I still try to maintain our friendships...and I feel like they don't. I've never asked them to go out every night, every weekend, etc. Maybe a couple hours one evening a month. And yet, none of them seem to want to let the dad's be a dad so the girls can go to dinner, maybe a movie, a garage sale, etc. I'm not asking to spend the wee hours of the night in a bar. But it seems like even two or three hours a month is too much for them. You have to work to maintain a friendship, and I feel like many of my friends don't. So I rarely see them anymore. I get tired of asking only to be turned down. This is a very touchy subject for me. :( I've been hurt quite a bit.