Hooters-like restaurants are are in the midst of a renaissance — the top three so-called "breastaurant" chains behind Hooters each grew by at least 30 percent last year, according to Technomic, which means that we can all look forward to such cleverly-named eateries as Twin Peaks, Tilted Kilt Pub & Eatery, and the more visceral Mugs N Jugs for years to come.

Lest you think that any of these restaurants employ a cheap, dehumanizing gimmick in order to get people to eat their delicious wings, breastauranteurs don't even like the name "breastaurant" — they think it's really unfair. Tilted Kilt's CEO Rod Lynch goes so far as to "bristle" at the term "breastaurant," taking offense at a name that implies that the success of his restaurant chain is "based purely on sex appeal." It's so not based on sex appeal — it's based the Tilted Kilt's signature dish, Irish Nachos, which are nachos only with potatoes where the chips should be (that actually sounds pretty good). Besides, it's not like "breastaurants" are just attracting strange men who take a table in the corner and gnaw on their chicken bones in between leering at waitresses — the Mugs N Jugs in Clearwater, Fl. says that its customer profile is probably about 40 percent families.

In fact, business is booming for just about everyone except Hooters, which has failed to update its menu or restaurant design since it hit peak sales of $960 million in 2007. The breastaurant that started it all is struggling to catch up, but instead of just trying to copy its competitors and offer more menu variety or provide diners with little bios of all the waitresses (this, I think, sounds like a decidedly bad and stalker-friendly idea), it should completely change the game of catering exclusively to Homer Simpson-like heterosexual men by introducing a whole new line of specialty restaurants. They could open up ball bistros, where all the waiters are attractive men who wear specially-fitted leggings that make their balls stand out in high-relief. Instead of wings and beer, ball bistros would serve yogurt, pinot grigio, and whatever other food the American marketing apparatus believes that sensible ladies consume. I don't know, Hooters, sounds like you could become the very first testeraunteur.