Saturday, March 29, 2008

It seemed like a good idea (but not as good as our original idea) at the time.

I talk from time to time about doing the Mary Tyler Moore comeback vehicle, MARY for CBS in 1985. Here is a sample of the pilot script (written by David Isaacs and me). And since you’ll never see the show on the air, even as cable channels grow to the thousands, I figured, it’s either here or nothing.

CBS wanted an updated version of her old show, believing that Mary’s audience would only accept a more mature version of Mary Richards. We listened to them instead of doing our original idea. That was our first mistake.

The premise everyone agreed upon was that Mary, a high class fashion writer found herself unemployed when her magazine folded. She winds up working at a Chicago tabloid, the kind that views the Sun-Times as if it were the NY Times. We tried to put her in a much funkier, edgier arena than WJM. And we tried to give her a love interest. Our inspiration was HIS GIRL FRIDAY. We wanted someone who was handsome, charming, and kept Mary completely off guard. Was he a cad or just pushing her to be better? We hired James Farentino who was GREAT. Here’s the scene where they meet – Mary’s job interview.

**********

INT. FRANK DEMARCO’S OFFICE – DAY

THIS IS THE ONE PLACE THEY DIDN’T CLEAN UP AFTER THE CHICAGO FIRE. FRANK IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK, ON THE PHONE, GETTING A HAIRCUT.

ALSO PRESENT IS A TALL, THIN MAN WHO WEARS HEAVY BIFOCAL GLASSES. THIS IS TULLY, THE COPY EDITOR.

MARY ENTERS.

(NOTE: THIS SCENE SHOULD PLAY AT 200 MPH)

FRANK(INTO PHONE) Of course the cop won’t let you take a picture of the body. You slip him fifty bucks, he turns the other way, you go in and get the shot. Do you want the Pulitzer or not?! (TO MARY) Come on in.

MARYDid I get you at a bad time?

FRANK(WITHOUT LOOKING UP) Not at all. (TO BARBER) Keep a little in back. (THEN) Tully, how many S’s in “disappear”?

FRANK HANDS HIM A DUMMY SHEET. TULLY HOLDS THE COPY AT ARM’S LENGTH AND STRAINS TO SEE IT.

TULLYWhere?

FRANKIn the headline!

TULLYOh. Three.

FRANK(TO MARY) Unions. I have to keep a legally blind copy editor. (TO TULLY) There’s two! Should be one. Fix it and print it.

TULLYBig deal, so I’ll take out an “S”.

FRANKOut!

TULLY EXITS. FRANK EXTENDS HIS HAND.

FRANKFrank DeMarco.

MARYNice to meet you, Mr. DeMarco.

FRANKPlease…Frank. You got some samples of your work?

SHE OPENS HER ATTACHE CASE, HANDS HIM ONE.

MARYYes, well, this article from 1980 won an award from the fashion writers of…

THE PHONE RINGS.

FRANKHold on. (INTO PHONE) Yeah…

MARY…America.

FRANK(INTO PHONE) What do you mean he won’t take fifty bucks? This is Chicago! All right, for one picture we’ll get him floor seats for a Bulls game.

HE HANGS UP.

MARYLook, if you’re busy I could…

FRANK(YELLING) Tully!!

TULLY (O.S.)Coming!

FRANKLet’s do it now, Mary. This afternoon it’s gonna get crazed.

TULLY POPS HIS HEAD IN.

FRANKYou know the drawing the Sports Department is having for the Bulls tickets?

TULLYYeah.

FRANKWe just got a winner.

TULLYWho?

FRANKMe.

TULLYRight.

TULLY EXITS.

BARBERFinished.

THE BARBER HOLDS UP THE MIRROR.

FRANKWell, Mary, what do you think?

MARYAbout what?

FRANKThe hair.

MARYFine.

FRANKMary, if you’re gonna work here you have to have an opinion.

MARYAm I going to be working here?

FRANKI don’t think so.

THE BARBER PACKS UP TO LEAVE.

BARBERSee you Friday.

FRANK CHECKS HIS POCKETS.

FRANKSon of a gun, no change. Mary, you got a buck?

MARYNo.

FRANKI’m getting no help today, Henry. Catch you next time.

THE BARBER EXITS.

FRANKMary, just looking at you I can tell you’re a very talented writer.

MARYI am.

FRANKBut the thing is, see, I’ve only been here three months. It’s my job to turn this turkey around. And that’s fine ‘cause that’s what I like to do. Storm into town, make a lot of noise, rattle some cages, leave a silver bullet, and move on. Look around you. I don’t need fashion talk. Most of our readers use this paper for clothing.MARYThen why did you agree to see me?

FRANKBecause I do have an opening, but I don’t think you’re right for it.

MARYOh, what is it?

FRANKYou really wanna know?

MARYNot really, but I’m here so what the hell!

TULLY POPS HIS HEAD IN.

TULLYSorry, Frank, the guy’s already picked up his tickets.

FRANKThanks, Tully, you’re a big help.

TULLYYou can’t fire me, you know.

FRANKGet outta here.

TULLY EXITS.

MARYYou know, Frank, you’re probably right. I don’t think I really fit in. Actually, I just came here as sort of a last resort but there must be resorts even worse I can try.

FRANKI want to start a consumer “Help Line” column. Readers send in all sorts of problems. Our advocate fights like hell, cuts through the red tape, and we print the best stories.

MARYThat’s the job?

FRANKSensation sells papers, Mary. But above all what I want for the Eagle is credibility.

THE PHONE RINGS.

FRANK(INTO PHONE) Yeah…The cop went for it, huh?… Good. Okay, take the picture and tell him you’ll drop by later with his circus tickets… What? Basketball tickets? Where am I gonna get basketball tickets?

HE HANGS UP. MARY IS STUNNED. SHE CAN’T BELIEVE THIS GUY.

MARYWell I should be going. I’ve been here… (CHECKING HER WATCH) Whoa! Two whole minutes.

FRANKSorry to waste your time. But I doubt if a woman with your background could handle auto mechanics, immigration, city hall –

MARY(IMMEDIATELY) How do you have any idea what I can or cannot do? You don’t know anything about me. I have faced more than my share of crises with a great deal of poise.

FRANKPersonal crises?

MARYThat’s none of your business. And as far as a car mechanic is concerned, I’d rather face one of them than an irate designer any day. Let me tell you about the time –

THE PHONE RINGS.

MARYOh for godsakes…FRANK(ON PHONE) Yeah… He doesn’t want me going with the story? Tough! He’s an elected official. As long as he’s got his hand in the till, I’m gonna be on his back.

HE HANGS UP.

MARY… Let me tell you about the time they wouldn’t let me into a showing at… what elected official?

FRANKIt’s confidential but I’ll open my closet if you’ll open yours.

MARYNo, thank you.

FRANKI knew I was safe. Now, you were saying?

MARYI was going to tell you about the time…

FRANKThat’s well and good, Mary, but have you ever read the Post? A lot different style than Woman’s Digest.MARYI can write anything. I’ve done all kinds of material… short stories, novellas (PROUDLY) .. rejected by some of the finest publishers in this country!

FRANKWhere do you find the time to write all that?MARYOh, nights.. weekends.FRANKDon’t you have a social life?

MARY/FRANKThat’s none of your/my business.

FRANKBottom line, Mary, I just don’t think you’re tough enough.

MARYI am tough enough.FRANKProve it.

THE PHONE RINGS. FRANKS REACHES FOR IT BUT MARY BEATS HIM TO IT. SHE GRABS THE PHONE AND YANKS IT OUT OF THE WALL.MARYThere!FRANKI’ll try ya.MARY(STILL DEFENSIVE) It sounds like fun.FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE.

I for one appreciate the reprise. Hecht of a good scene, including but not limited to, “none of your/my business” and “worse resorts.” Very, very funny. Did Mary find the Farentino role too funny? Would “There’s one ‘S’ should be two, fix it” have been joke at the expense of character? Or could that have been saved followed by, “I’m only yanking your chain Tully, because we got a visitor”? Also not up to the exhibited wordplay standards, but had you guys considered, “TULLY: O.K., I’ll get your ‘S” outta there!” – and then realized it was 1985?

The one place they didn’t clean up after the Chicago Fire reminded me of the terrific Robert Schimmel line about getting non-Hodgkins lymphoma – “Great the one disease they didn’t name after the doctor.” Is there a name for that technique?

OK, I know this is being the usual bloghog, but hey, it's Sunday-Sunday-Sunday. Traffic shouldn't be that heavy, and this frees me up to stay out of your hair for the rest of the day.

Had a true-life experience I hope you don’t mind me sharing because it’s sort of what I understand Mary’s contrasting character/actual dynamic to have been. My third week as a minor Boston TV executive (yes, I’m here to turn myself in), we had an afternoon women’s/live audience talk show host with a reputation for being a holy terror to her bevy of ingenue segment producers. Let’s just call her Mary.

She had just begun a relationship with a somewhat self-righteous anchor, giving Monica Collins (later USA Today TV critic) the perfect hook to christen the couple “Stuffy and Fluffy.”

Mary was actually better than that. I had the bright idea of taking Monica to lunch and then to the live broadcast so she could see “the real Mary” wasn’t the lunatic she had been portrayed to be. Almost immediately, I knew things would go awry while sitting with Monica in the audience and hearing that Mary’s topic for the afternoon would be electroshock therapy. Then that her guest expert would be Mary’s own personal psychiatrist. I noticed the critic had become giddy with anticipation.

As the show is about to begin, to demonstrate the therapeutic procedure, the producerettes wheel in a gurney transporting one of those CPR manikins wired up like for an EKG. Mary throws a fit, insisting that someone undergoing this type of serious procedure would have been in a hospital gown and not the blue velour running suit.

All was lost by that time. During a break, they announced that Mary and her psychiatrist would take questions from cards circulated among the audience. I showed Monica my typical women’s afternoon talk show question for a subject like this: “If you would like to try electroshock therapy…in your home…and you only have a 20 amp. circuit…do you have to unplug the toaster?”

To bring this full circle, Mary was from one of the Dakotas and left to marry the publisher of one of the two big Chicago daily newspapers.

Our original idea had it flipped. They were divorced and now Mary was the editor. He has to come back and work for her. If it sounds vaguely familiar it's because that's what they did on INK with Ted Danson about seven years later. Ironically, on CBS.

People talk about the "What if" they got married, but really how could it have worked? Sam Malone as a married man would be just torture. I'm glad they were kind of forced to go the way they did, instead of one of those season finales when she threatened to leave (or did leave), only to come back the next year. The ultimate schmuck bait.

I remember this show. I remember the episode where Mary invited the tough girl-reporter to a party with her artsy-snooty friends, and they asked her if she had any interests outside of work, and TGR replied, "Yeah, smokin'!", as she fired up a Marlboro. I was a smoker at the time, and that just cracked me up.

I did, however, see the lovely Mary in an episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show the other day on hulu.com, guest starring the late great Allan Melvin. Damn, she was a cutie. She was definitely a Boomer dream girl.

About KEN LEVINE

Named one of the BEST 25 BLOGS by TIME Magazine. Ken Levine is an Emmy winning writer/director/producer/major league baseball announcer. In a career that has spanned over 30 years Ken has worked on MASH, CHEERS, FRASIER, THE SIMPSONS, WINGS, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, BECKER, DHARMA & GREG, and has co-created three series. He and his partner wrote the feature VOLUNTEERS. Ken has also been the radio/TV play-by-play voice of the Baltimore Orioles, Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres. and Dodger Talk. He hosts the podcast HOLLYWOOD & LEVINE

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