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I didn’t lose my virginity when I got married

Posted: 10.6.14 by Jackie Francois-Angel

205 Comments

I’ve never punched someone in the face, but there are definitely times I wish I could ignore the virtue of self-control and let a fist fly.

A few months before my wedding, someone asked me (knowing that I was a 29-year old virgin by choice), “So, is your fiancé a virgin, too?” I replied, “Nope.” She responded, “Well at least someone knows what they’re doing.” I pretended not to care about this ridiculously ignorant statement and switched the subject quickly.

But, really? Really?! My brain was reeling with anger and annoyance, while my will did all it could to prevent Jackie Francois from turning into Jackie Chan.

That stupid response irked me on a few levels.

First, people have been having sex for thousands and thousands of years. It’s not like the mechanics of sex are difficult to master, even when it’s two virgins, God forbid! (note the sarcasm).

Secondly, do you really think I’m happy that my husband’s first experience of sex was with someone else because he got to “practice?” Um, let’s think here for a second….NO! I don’t know any girl who just hopes and wishes that her husband has memories of another girl (or girls) he’s been sexually active with or a harem of porn stars he’s been sexually aroused by. Memories don’t just vanish when you start dating someone new or put a ring on your finger or say wedding vows. It takes grace, prayer, time, and sometimes counseling to heal these memories.

Thirdly, if my husband had been there to hear this ridiculously insensitive and crude “insight,” he would’ve been even more offended (and maybe tempted to throw a punch, as well). His loss of virginity was never something he boasted about. In fact, he shares his witness here and in the talks we give together about the regret and shame he felt after that moment of weakness and lust. While the culture says that sex is “no big deal” and that people are meant to be “test-driven” before marriage, there are a lot of good Catholic men and women who know sex to be holy and beautiful and worth giving to your spouse alone. Those particular men and women who had sex outside of marriage truly felt that their virginity was lost. One woman described it as a loss of innocence. Another described it as a loss of an idea of what it should’ve been to have sex for the first time when she said, “It wasn’t like the movies. My boyfriend didn’t even hold me afterwards.” Others have said, “I felt used.” Others have felt the loss of pride, because they were the ones who would’ve “never” committed the sin of fornication. Others have felt that their dignity was lost, because they gave themselves away just to hear the words, “I love you,” or “You’re beautiful.” Virginity was never meant to be “lost.” Sex was never meant to be a mistake or a flippant act.

While the world around us in TV, movies and music makes virginity look ridiculous, I knew in my heart I never wanted to “lose” my virginity to some boyfriend in a nasty college dorm room or in his parents’ house or in his apartment just to have some practice for my future husband. I wasn’t taught the Puritanistic view that “sex is bad.” In fact, I learned the Catholic view that sex is good, beautiful, and holy. Sex is the consummation of the wedding vows, and your body is making a promise of those vows (even if you do not). The vows you make with your heart and voice on your wedding day—to love freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully—are then expressed with your bodies later on that night. Sex makes the vows incarnate. So technically, you’re not married if you haven’t consummated your sacramental marriage, because the vows have not yet been fulfilled bodily.

That’s why on my wedding night I didn’t “lose” my virginity. I freely chose to give myself—body, mind, heart, and soul—to my husband who promised to love me ‘til death do us part. I definitely didn’t feel shame or loss. I didn’t feel dirty or bad. I felt beautiful and holy and child-like. And my husband? You can bet that he felt the same. Even if virginity has been “lost” at some point in the past, it is still possible with Reconciliation and God’s grace to be able to, for the first time, give oneself freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. And trust me: when sex includes all of those things, that’s when someone really knows what they’re doing.

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Jackie is a full-time traveling speaker, singer/songwriter, and worship leader from Orange County, CA. In 2006, she became an artist with OCP/SpiritandSong.com with whom she has released two albums. She has been involved in youth ministry since she graduated high school, and she now travels the globe speaking to young people about God’s love and leading worship for various events and ministries

205 Comments

I got the same, “Well, at least someone knows what they’re doing” comment as well. Mine came from my OBGYN who, undoubtedly, has seen the ill effects of pre-martial sex in the form of STDs, broken self-esteem, and unwanted pregnancies. I, too, felt enraged by such an ignorant response when she realized that I, a 31 year old, had the audacity to wait until marriage to have sex and actually expect sexual fulfillment. 😉 What I wanted to say was, “Yes, you’re right. At least one of us will know what we’re doing by waiting to fully and completely give herself to the one man who she has chosen to commit herself to forever.”

she was expressing what she felt like saying when she was upset, and she explains very clearly that her “lack of a sex life” as you put it was very much by choice. Whether you have or have not had sex, you chose to get offended by her comment thinking she just automatically felt superior to others (you) and that is what is pathetic.
It is a real accomplishment to wait, and it’s safe to say the majority of the people in the world do not accomplish such a difficult task, so she should be proud.

But it is okay for someone who has had sex premaritally to use that as a way to feel superiority over those of us who haven’t? Kinda feels like you’re dishing out a double standard when every day someone in a highschool somewhere is standing up for what they believe in and wait until they are married to someone they love. As a guy, it’s not about someone showing superiority, as I was made fun of MANY times.. Its about informing someone of the conscious choice you made knowing that God will bless you and give you everything you need in your marriage.. Just saying. And while you show pity and say you feel “Sorry” this woman, I say I’m sorry you feel that way, and that prayerfully it gets better for you.

You know what? No. She made her own decisions. That is great! But just because she felt like it was the best choice for her still doesn’t make her decision superior to anyone else’s (I don’t think Heidi was even claiming that in the first place). No one’s decision is better than anyone else’s alright? Your body, your choice

Ironic that you accuse me feeling superior while calling me rude and pathetic. And, no, I don’t feel sorry for you. You’re entitled to your opinion, and I respect that right. Please don’t throw insults. That’s when debate is broken down to the base human interaction of ridicule.

Her instinct to put herself above her doctor was in response to what the doctor said which was “at least someone knows what they’re doing” The comment her doctor made was initially superior. She was making fun of the girl for being a virgin, putting her down.

Our natural response is to be superior towards others, and because we have all been hurt in some ways by our sexuality, we are especially prone to act superior on this topic.

The truth is we should all love each other and realize whether we are virgins or not, looking down on each other is not love.

I’ve made comments like you’re doctor (not in these words i had more “tac” and not just to any one) but it wasn’t a slam on the one who wait. actually it’s been as a compliment to the one who waited! i didn’t wait until until i was married. and it’s to my great shame! i bear that guilt all the time. you don’t have to bear my same guilt. and to wait in our society….. you should be proud! you should be complimented, and your example should be repeated! thank you for reminding the rest of us it’s not all about sex. and that just because your a teen or older that you have to get a booty fix. I am sincerely proud of you!!! no sarcasm!

God is a God of second chances. I didn’t wait and when I became a Christian, I saw my mistake and repented. I was a new creature in Christ, born-again. Decided that God’s way was best. Prayed and promised God that I would “wait” for who He had for me. I didn’t date and decided that my way of doing things were over. I met someone at church. We were friends and I didn’t even realize at first he was the one. Our focus was on God, our friendship and wanting to honor God with our lives. We didn’t date as I said, we did social events with groups of friends. We never paired off as many people do. He asked me to marry him about 1 year after we met. We talked about the things that God had done in our lives, because my heart was to honor God with my body my husband to be told me that he ” waited” for me. He had never been with anyone. We both waited for each other. ” Only God could have made this blessed arrangement!” We have been married 36 years. To God be the Glory!!!

And YOU deserve that. It’s great to do it for future hubby too, but ultimately it should be for you. Speaking as someone who was adamant about waiting and was dismayed to find myself head over heels for someone who hadn’t. It was tough to let go of the ideal, but he is the perfect match for me and with time and love, I moved past his past and I’m still very grateful I waited… and he is too.

Jackie, this was lovely. I am so inspired to preserve myself for my future husband, even when I find the struggle difficult. As a young adult (woman), I really admire your perspective on what sex is. Thank you for sharing.

Jackie Im proud of you and you continue with your beliefs..Savings your self till marriage is the most beautiful part of marriage.I too went there bad comments.My husband and I waited and it was the best decision We made..

Jackie, I loved this story. It was very sweet and powerful at the same time. But I just have to add one comment. Even though there are some people that do regret having premarital sex, there are some people that don’t. I think sometimes one tends to generalize situations, and that of course is not right. Just think, ‘To each their own’. Just because person A regrets it, doesn’t mean that person B does. Some people are more sensitive to the subjects then others. But thank you once again for this story.

At a purely human level, you may have a point.At a supernatural level, i am inclined to disagree.What right does the creature have to dispute with the revelations of the Creator? Check out 1 Thess 4:3-4. I dont think it can be clearer.If we dont feel bad about our sin then we have an even bigger ptoblem than the issue at hand.For Catholicsi have heard it said that if one disagrees with a clear point on sin he or she should confess that he or she is sorry that he (im ditchin the pc pronouns now) isnt sorry.Then at a later time God will enlighten the understanding and the will will be strengthened.Faith must come out of a desire to love God first with all (pause and reflect carefully on this small but challenging word) of ones body ,mind and soul.There is no wiggling out, hedging or exceptions.If we love or want to love God we mustnt indulge in self deception or specious arguments with ourselves.He wants the best for us.Yes, it could be that he will permit us tp fall in order to diminish our pride and purify our intntions but in no way could he condone such behavior.If we have standards in the natural world relating to all kinds of measurements and standards of precision it would seem to follow that the supernatural world has a more refined and intense stanfard according to each ones capacity and pithily summed up by the very powefull ‘all”.

But there are lots of things we debate about from the Bible. What about wearing different kinds of fabrics (I can’t remember which two off the top of my head, sorry)? This isn’t meant to be a cheeky respond, but hasn’t everyone struggled with what to do, or if something is a sin or not?

I’m 20 years old, not married, and I’ve been sexually active for almost five years. When I had sex for the first time, it was with a boyfriend I had been dating for a little over a week. I thought I was in love. Now I look back and know that wasn’t the case, and that I was really feeling lust. I was ashamed and couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I was afraid of my own body because I was taught that sex is bad. I thought it would be okay so long as no one found out, but for the two and a half years that I dated that boy, I felt guilty every time we had sex. He had to talk me into doing it with him every single time.

I’ve dated other guys since then. Currently, I’m with my fourth sexual partner, who is my boyfriend of 8 months. I don’t think I love him yet, but for the first time ever I feel like I’ve found someone I could actually end up falling for completely. This is the first relationship I’ve been in that has been healthy. We communicate with each other and have a very mature relationship for our age. He has completely changed my life. I don’t know if I’ll marry him, but that’s okay.

Through my studies and readings, I’ve learned so much about sexuality. More importantly, I’ve learned to love and embrace my own sexuality. Humans are inherently sexual creatures. I refuse to believe that I gave up part of myself when I started having sex; I am more than my ‘virginity.’ ‘Losing my virginity’ doesn’t make me less of a person. I am beautifully whole and I couldn’t be happier.

This is beautiful. It’s wonderful and a blessing to read that another Christian loves, married, and is in a martial relationship with a Christian man who struggled with lust in his past. We’re getting married next year, and this article applies so well to both of us. Thank you so much!

This is beautiful. It’s wonderful and a blessing to read that another Christian loves, married, and is in a martial relationship with a Christian man who struggled with lust in his past. We’re getting married next year, and this article applies so well to both of us. Thank you so much!

You and your husband, together, is one in a million! May God continue to bless and protect you and your family always so you can be a bright light amidst the darkness of a culture of relativism, self-centeredness, and hedonism. Thank you for your courage and love. People should know their dignity is uplifted and that they have more freedom by the choosing the path you have taken, and not the more popular culture everyone else is following.

Awesome! A lot of TOB principles coming through. For those who don’t know TOB stands for Theology of the Body which I recently started doing and has really helped me understand God’s purpose for man and woman and how we meant to live out our sexuality.

Well, if i may disagree… but I believe there is such a thing as a “soul tie”. I’ve experienced it and have counseled lots of guys and gals who have experienced it as well. Yes, there’s positive reasons to wait, but that doesn’t mean by default that there aren’t “negative” reasons to wait. Both exist and both need to be acknowledged as valid when put in context of one another. Especially when it comes to healing, one wants to be thorough in covering all the bases. As someone who was molested at age 8, lost my virginity at age 12 and lived with a sex addiction for most of my life (literally) and THEN being almost completely HEALED of it, I think I’m able to lend a tiny bit of insight into how to get to the healed state. =) When I got married, I was actually able to understand and experience the kind of innocence that had disappeared so many years before, BUT by God’s grace had been re-inculcated into my system. It’s an exciting thing to get a taste of that nervous anxiety and happy fear that goes with complete newness of contact… a taste of virginity that I had never had. It was such a grace and blessing. And you can underline that last sentence a million times. Theology of the Body is fantastically real when put in practice and leaned on… even when you have every reason to not believe that God can redeem the most secret parts of your being. “Soul ties” was an aspect that I tackled deeply in healing and I am GLAD i did! Something to think about =)

Thank you so much for this Jackie. Wonderful text, wonderful truth! In 6 months I’ll be marrying my fiancé, we’re catholic and living in chastity is such a struggle. God bless you and your husband, and please pray for us.

Thank you so much this really made me feel better I’m getting married soon and decided to have sex regardless of my intentions on saving it I wished I hadn’t now I see things better and I realise I can still do lose it” this time the right way.

Very well said! And shame on the person who said that to you. Some people (a lot unfortunately) are not brought up to value themselves & so see the act of sex as no big deal, which is very sad. My husband & I gave ourselves to each other while dating, but we were together for 7 years before marriage (high school sweethearts) & I thank my lucky stars daily that we happened to find each other & have only experienced each other! Our wedding night was no less special, but we were just really lucky in all of our circumstances I think. Bless you two for sticking to what you believe in & doing things the way you want & felt was right no matter what. That is something very hard to do in today’s world!

I will start by saying that I am not religious and have not chosen to save sex for marriage. However, I respect each person’s right to do with their bodies as they please. I think it is sad that anyone would feel “used” or like a “practice run” or “test drive” after intercourse. Whether you are single, committed, married, divorced…you deserve to take joy in yourself and in your body. Despite different beliefs and practices it is important to realize that the one constant I HOPE we can all agree on is mutual respect and the preservation of dignity. Sexuality, especially for younger people, can be such a fragile and unfamiliar thing. It’s such a shame to hear that your friends had negative experiences when they did choose to explore their sexuality. In my opinion, there is no shame in sex, whether you are a virgin or have had plenty of “practice.” I’m glad you did what you believed to be best for you personally, despite the judgment of others. It’s so important to put aside our personal idea of right and wrong and recognize that some things are simply personal decisions that must be made with our own wellbeing in mind.

My wife and I married as virgins 35 years ago and have never had a regret. We loved being able to encourage our children to follow our example… and it was a blessing to never worry an instant about some STD. Those who criticize are simply ignorant and jealous. May God bless you and holy matrimony.

Waiting till marriage to have sex literally makes no sense to me, for myriad reasons. Let’s put aside the fact that sex is COMPLETELY NATURAL (and that sexual urges and lust are not “sins” as many iron age religions ignorantly claim), and focus on strictly practical considerations. Sex is an important part of marriage. There are men who literally have no skill at it whatsoever – they can’t become aroused due to performance anxiety, suffer from debilitating premature ejaculation, have no skill in bed, etc. As a woman, I think you’d want to make darn sure the man you’re marrying doesn’t have these issues. To wait until marriage is to roll the dice, basically. Just because it worked out for you doesn’t mean it’s a good idea, in general. It could’ve gone very wrong. You could’ve learned, for instance, that your husband can only last 10 seconds in bed. I’ve talked to women that say they’ve literally had to break up with otherwise great men over that exact issue. It’s important enough to be a deal breaker for many women, and if you never sleep with a guy before marrying him, you just might be surprised to find yourself married to someone you are incapable of having a sex life with. This is a fact. It is a possibility. So for practical reasons, it’s totally irrational and… well, just plain dumb to wait until marriage. And morally? As I said above, the idea that lust/sex is somehow “dirty” or “sinful” is a joke to begin with, and need not be taken seriously. I’m not saying you should go out and screw everything that moves. Of course not – it should be with someone you really care about, like a bf or gf you’ve been seeing for awhile. We’re sexual animals designed to lust after each other, like all species that reproduce sexually. It’s in our DNA. It’s a major driving force of our behavior, and it’s the most natural thing in the world. The whole idea of sin is just a silly religious fabrication, created out of whole cloth to try to control people and get them to behave a certain way (the same is true about religion in general, of course). Waiting till marriage certainly isn’t any more “moral” than sleeping with someone you’ve been dating for 5 months, but it sure is a lot riskier/more impractical.

Dear Mike.You are most certainly right IF sex is only natural and IF the purpose of the sexual act is exclusively pleasure.IF it is so then indeed you are correct.Your reasoning seems flawless.Nevertheless bizaar, as it seems to neglect the natural existence of the eternal soul whose purpose according to Aristotle is the Ultimate Good and Final Cause.

I am happy for anyone to have beliefs that are different to mine and to share them but I find this article slightly tedious because of the assumptions it makes. Firstly it assumes that people always marry someone they love. Sometimes that is not true. Secondly it assumes everyone believes (or should believe) in the same god. Again not true and one god is not better than another although sadly many believers of various gods like to fight each other to try and prove that it is true. Thirdly it assumes that marriage is somehow an answer, which it isn’t and many don’t last…even though that may be the true intention when vows are made. Although this article is truly felt and well expressed it could only be written by someone in a safe and wealthy Western environment. Most people do not live like that sadly. I wish you well but this is very naive however much you want to believe it.

How easily you dismiss something you’ve never attempted and therefore know nothing about. You’re right, not everyone is so lucky, but that doesn’t mean we should completely abandon the ideal because not all have access to it. You may not believe in the Christian God, and that is your right. But how dare you dismiss her experience as naive and idealized simply because so many are not able to marry for love and/or end up trapped in bad, loveless marriages. For that very reason, those of us who have the chance to live this ideal should try even harder to do it. A large part of the joy of sexual intimacy in a Christian marriage between loving, committed, clean partners is that sex is made even better because of the sacrifices we have made to save ourselves for our spouse. Marriage isn’t the answer for everyone and everything, and it certainly won’t fix a bad relationship, but done properly it can be wonderfully fulfilling and special. I know many who are very far from “safe, wealthy western environments,” even some who don’t happen to be Christian, yet they saved themselves for their future spouse, married someone they loved, respected, and trusted, and we’re able to feel how special sex can be. Some are like this couple where one or both fell short of the ideal but recommitted to it, and they reported that sex with their spouse was everything they had ever hoped and expected, something their lustful mistakes, no matter how enjoyable at the time, had not been. It’s easy to give in to every desire and whim that comes along. It takes much more control, commitment, and sacrifice to succeed in this, especially if one doesn’t have the luck of marrying young. But self denial and sacrifice brings something very special and sacred; something those who have never sacrificed or exercised sexual restraint can only dream of. It brings a couple closer to each other, and while marriage is never easy, they are starting off on the right foot. They have also learned and practiced self sacrifice and subjecting your own needs and desires to something (or someone) else, a necessary quality in any happy, successful marriage. I believe you are the naive one here, for thinking that this ideal of marriage and marital sex can only happen in with ideal, struggle-free upbringings. (not to mention your total disbelief that marital sex can be any better or more special than other sex). When you willingly save yourself for your future spouse, you are able to give your whole self to them after marriage. You are able to show them all your weaknesses and imperfections and accept theirs as they accept yours. You give them the who k en you, the real you. (This applies to men and woman) You haven’t left pieces of what should belong to your spouse with other people. Despite what the world wants you to think, sex means something, and when you engage in it, you are giving something of yourself to the other person. But if you don’t believe in God, no matter what God that is, nothing will change your mind on the subject, which shows a narrowness of thought and an inability to even consider another’s experience and viewpoint as valid since you cannot experience or understand it, hence why you so easily dismiss her comments as invalid and immaterial to the rest of the world. Since you obviously dont share our views of sex, narriage, and God, I challenge you to an experiment. Deny all your sexual urges for just one month. No sex, no porn, no self pleasuring, no sexting, no sexual banter banter, no excessively ogling the opposite sex (or whatever sex you are attracted to). If you’re in a relationship, challenge them to try it with you. At the end of that month of total sexual denial, (yes, it is possible for anyone not in an abusive relatiobship) see if the next time doesn’t feel more amazing, more special, more fulfilling. And then imagine having done that your whole life. The more sacrifice and denial, the better it will be.
Instant gratification is why multiple experts say porn usage decreases sexual satisfaction. You become desensitized to normal sex with your partner, needing more and more to be fulfilled. It is also why porn destroys marriages. Porn is fake, fantasized, airbrushed, photoshopped, and acted. No partner, no matter how perfect, can live up to that fantasy (not even porn stars because they’re photoshopped, edited, and acting). This leads to a) dependence on porn for fulfillment, and b) dissatisfaction with the spouse who can’t possibly live up to the porn fantasy no matter how amazing they are. This leads to both parties becoming dissatisfied (the faithful partner is not getting their needs met), and eventually leads to a wandering eye, looking for a “better” partner who can meet the expectations porn has conditioned them to. Numerous studies, some impartial and some conducted by each side in the debate, have been conducted, and all show the same result. Just a few points for you to consider before you completely dismiss this couple’s experience, along with that of millions of other couples around the world and from all walks if life.

How right you are Catherine! Love that you also touched on the subject of pornography. I was raised being told sex was bad, and after being sexually abused, I definitely believed it. So as a young adult, I didn’t appreciate it or even understand it much like it seems that Nigel feels about it. It wasn’t until I had experienced love that I began to understand it was not meaningless. Unfortunately, a part of me felt that it was to late to go back. Waiting for anyone would make no difference in finding someone, because I felt jaded towards sex and intimacy. So I suffered heartbreak, a lot of heartbreak. Not seeing that a huge part of this was because I was giving away peices of myself. Then I met my (now) husband. He had a very similar experience with sex. But finding true love in eachother, (that was taken a lot of work and was very hard to stay together at times) we were able to redefine sex for ourselves and our relationship. He is LDS and was raised in the church. We believe in the one true God. We believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins as the Savior and do our very best to follow his teachings. through God and the church we came together and decided that even after being together physically, we would make a change and wait until we were married. I wanted to become a member of the church, and this would also be a spiritual struggle for me as well. But we managed it, and it was very hard. We aren’t perfect, and we slipped up, but we went back to the place we were at to remember why we wanted to wait. And I will tell you this, even though we both had previous sexual relationships, knowing that spiritually and emotionally, we only wanted to be together, our wedding night was one I will never forget. We were able to experience real love and intimacy. Something we didn’t know even exsisted. It was the kind of love you think only exsists in movies, and it is even stronger now. And continues to grow, and even though we still struggle at times, we are able to go back to that place where we were able to connect on such a high level and realize the love we have is lasting and true. Also on the pornography, we happily live our marriage without it. Neither of us participate and we are very open about any desires we have. Let this be an example to anyone who thinks it’s to late to start over. I got lucky and was able to start over with the love of my life, but you can do it by yourself as well.
We didn’t have privilaged upbringings, and we dont have a perfect love story, but it’s ours. But with sacrifice and diligence, we were able to accomplish a marriage with love and intimacy. Although it’s a little unorthodox, and we fight, and we aren’t perfect, our love is special. sorry for any typos or rsmblings im very tired. Its 3 am and imup with our new baby girl 🙂

It sounds like you’re making life harder than it needs to be. I don’t think this is a wealthy western viewpoint. This is global. Truth is truth no matter what contenant you live on.
A Woman/Man who stays Virtuous before marriage, never once has to wake up with regret or remorse. Never for a second worries over abortion. if there will be an unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease. They Never once have deal with feelings of being used and then abandoned by their partner. We need the law of chastity, because if more men and women would live the law of chastity, it would change the world, it would be a better place.

I agree with you! This article is amazing and I love every aspect of it, other than we all do not regret our first time. Unfortunately, I do but I love the part of forgiveness from the Lord with lots of hard work. Thank you for sharing ♡♡♡

After reading all the comments this has opened my eyes to so much. This artice is beautifully written, but if there were non of us so called spontaneous sexers then there would be no adoption, but then again there would be no abortion either. I know from personal experience adoption is one of the most amazing gifts ever. Whether recieved or being the one to make that horrible decision. I never would wish my situation on anyone not even my worst enemy. The Lord ALSO forgives and will help provide all who have been in such a horrific situation. I just hope that some of you that are so close minded to the “REAL” world and are so quick to label will think a little more about the whole picture. It’s because of our immature bad choices and mistakes that help mold us in to who we are as an individual. I’m by not in anyway saying go have sex with anyone, but I never would cast judgement or label anyone that has. As a mom I hope my son never has premarital sex, but I also don’t care for the word sex when using it in context as to what my husband and I do. It sounds so cliche but I prefer to use the word making love, because I truly believe there is a huge difference. I can say this because I have personally felt the difference from having “sex” with a boyfriend verses “making love” with my husband. Such a great point of view but yet so controversial in my own mind. Thank you for sharing ♡♡♡

I know this from my own experience.
But from my perspective it has been opposite, we are still not married but we have decided that we will marry, sometimes I have the feeling that I will not be enough because she has more “experience” about sex, and I´m still virgin.
Im telling her each time when we talk about this topic that she is an virgin in my eyes, but sometimes It´s hard for me as a man to swallow my own words, but after reading this it has strengthen myself.
Thank You and God bless!

Hmm. The first time I read over the first few lines of this, I took it differently. “Atleast someone knows what they’re doing” I took as “atleast someone knows how to control themselves and abstain from sex until marriage”

Neither myself nor my husband were virgins when we got married. Though I’ve had other partners, sex with him felt like the first time I’d anticipated. I felt beautiful and felt very vulnerable, as I know he did. And it felt perfect to be vulnerable together and to hold each other. You’re right, sex is a physical vow. And my heart felt light knowing I was with the one my soul loves.

I was with you……
until halfway through when you began judging other people for their actions and claiming your choice was the more righteous and superior.
The person making the lame joke was stupid
Saving yourself until marriage was your choice and should be respected.
But I darn well don’t need someone like you judging me for having sex before marriage and not feeling bad about it

i don’t believe that she meant to judge you, but I see why you feel that way. She’s not saying that her way is right and you have to feel the same way. She believes her way is right, yes, but you don’t have to agree. She’s just showing you that if you do happen to see why she thinks that people should save their virginity for marriage, that God will forgive you if you didn’t. And no matter if you have or not, we, as Christians should love you regardless of what you have done in the past. I don’t regret my past because I know God gave me the things he did to teach me and help me grow. I haven’t given up my virginity, but I used to self harm. God can save you from whatever you view as a sin in your life, you just have to ask for it.

This is a religious lady commenting on the joy she feels in living one aspect of her religion. If you share her religion then sex before marriage is wrong. If you don’t share her religion then you can just learn from a different perspective.

Exactly. Try being a woman on top of it and ALWAYS receiving shaming tactics from these type of women. If they truly wanted to wait to make sex special, they wouldn’t blab about their superiority all over the Internet. It’s rude and shameful. I couldn’t agree more. I had sex before marriage and am SO glad I did. My friend who waited didn’t know what an orgasm was for more than four years. You don’t just magically figure sex out, that’s why I specifically chose a man who had experience. People can be very rude about this sort of thing, and I am stunned at her hypocrisy of fighting fire with fire. You don’t respond to ignorance with shaming tactics. It’s ignorant.

I would like to start by saying this is the first time I have ever gone out of my way to read (and maybe re-read) an article I saw on Facebook and had the urge to post a desire to post a comment. This article is one of the most beautifully written pieces I’ve ever seen, and I plan on keeping it for a very long time. I am a 21 virgin in college and struggle with this constantly and after reading this I feel so empowered. I have been strongly debating “losing” my virginity for some time now. It wasn’t until I read this that I do not want to “lose” it to anyone. I am a Chridtian man and have been torn between what mine friends say and what God wants. Thank you again for publishing this and please keep them coming.

I respect every individuals right to choose what to do when it comes to the virgin – not virgin issue. However, in my experience the attitude that sex before marriage feels shameful, wrong etc. in my mind actually makes it feel that way for a lot of people – they’re supposed to feel shame and guilt. I’m a psychologist and I know from experience what effect these feelings have on people. For myself, I did not grow up religious, not in the least bit. However, the first time that I had sex with someone was still special to me, even though it was not the only boy I would ever sleep with and I wasn’t married. With the man I’m spending the rest of my life with it is different, because I’m older, I’m more sure of our relationship an what we share still feels unique, holy and precious. I’m just saying – Do what you yourself feel is best, but without putting shame or guilt on others – It may be the result even though it wasn’t your intention.

Jackie – this is awesome!! I personally would have given those people the wax-on wax-off treatment ;p Joking aside, i pray many people would be led by God to live the blessed life you and your husband are living.

Personal note; please pray for someone dear to me who is going through such a Calvary, in the middle of a contemporary parable of the Prodigal Son, and doesn’t know his own worth as a son of God.

HA time to join the rest of us in 21st century and stop acting like your virginity or anyone else’s is special. Who are you to say what sex is suppose to be? You’re just an ignorant Christian who blindly follows what she has been told her whole life. If human beings weren’t suppose to have sex with multiple partners then why are we physically attracted to multiple people? Sure people should have decency and self respect but that doesn’t mean they should deny what makes them human. It feels good for a reason and we are among the few mammals who actually feel pleasure from sex. With that being said, the world doesn’t need more prudes.

You accuse the author and others with the same opinion as being blind and ignorant but do you really think that Christians aren’t fully aware of the culture of the 21st century? That we don’t hear the constant claim that sex is nothing but physical pleasure that you have a right to pursue on a whim? Nothing but biology? You’re right; she has no right to define what sex is or how it should be. But our heavenly Father and creator does. Your points are so invalid and empty, you are obviously the ignorant one here. The world doesn’t need more prudes? Oh right. Because 12 year old girls who are being taught by our sex obsessed society that sex is cool and fun and that’s what everyone does is what we need. We really need more relationships ruined by pornography. More songs on the radio that have no deeper meaning than ‘party hard have lots of sex’. More sex crimes. More STD’s. More teenage parents with no way to support a child and no idea how to be a parent anyway. Yes, more ‘prudes’ in this world would definitely be such a shame.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We too are taught to wait til marriage. I so wish I had not made the mistake of giving into lust prior to meeting my spouse. How wonderful it would have been to give myself completely to him, my eternal companion! I pray that is something I can instill in my daughters as they grow up.

I,too, am LDS. I wanted to say that you can still give yourself completely to your spouse. Like you, I made the decision to have sex before marriage.I was a different person then, someone who made decisions differently (and for different reasons) than I do now. However, I truly believe that things are made right through repentance. Through repentance, the Lord will blot out our mistakes and remember them no more. If the Lord is willing to forget our mistakes, can we not forgive ourselves? Can we not, wholeheartedly, completely, give ourselves to our spouses?

Also, to the author of this post. I can honestly say that I have never thought about another partner while engaging in sexual activity with another partner. Professor may take counseling, but I took that portion of your article to be very naive.

I love this so much! This is spot on and exactly how I felt. Both my husband and I were virgins when we got married. I too was raised not to believe that sex was bad or dirty, but definitely sacred. My parents and church leaders taught me that sex is a wonderful, fun gift from God meant to be used within the bonds of marriage. I remember expressing my concern to him a few weeks before we got married that I was nervous to have sex because I “didn’t know what I was doing.” My soon-to-be-husband’s response was perfect. He said, “I know! It’s it exciting! We get to figure it all out together!” We’re going on 16 years of marriage, and figuring it out has been some of the best parts of our journey.

Jackie,
I loved this article and I’m so glad you are sharing your message with so many others. Your thoughts on chastity reminded me of a talk I read from one of the leaders of the LDS church. I think you will find that your views have a lot in common with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Thank you so much for sharing! Here is the link to the talk:http://www.familylifeeducation.org/gilliland/procgroup/Souls.htm

Wow! Well written, beautiful and true. It reminded me if my wedding night. Both my husband and I had saved this special experience for each other. It was a beautiful, unifying and sacred experience. It has continued to be so everytime we come together united fully.

The only reason I kept reading is because I was sincerely intrigued by how brainwashed and miserable your life sounds. You sought counseling over the fact that your husband had had sex with another woman? You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s all I have to say. Sorry if this posts offends any of you that are clearly more reserved than I am, but I urge all of you to get out and live a little.

Oh how perfectly said. My religion (LDS) believes the same about sex. I teach and mentor high school aged girls in my church and it is SO hard to get them to see these truth about wait until after you’re married to have sex. I do wish I had your talent for speaking- but none the less I am glad I can share this post with them!

My husband and I were both virgins when we married. Many people tried to prevent this in my life before I married my husband including my mother. But it was always worth it to me to share that memory with the man I wanted to share my life with. While I veiw sex as an eternal sacrament I don’t know if that beliefe is really limited to religion. Any couple will see the strength of giving ones virginity in marriage alone can bring to that union. For example, when marriage is so hard (as is it for most) that I question it, it very often comes back to that memory my husband and I made when we consummated our wedding vows. I receive strength in remembering how much we prepared for eachother and how that makes our bond special, in very personal way. While I realize that there are alternate circumstances I think it brave that someone stands up for this opinion when so often in our culture as of late it has become a mockery.

I thought your argument was great! Very well presented and well thought out. Although, I didnt understand why you kept reiterating the word ‘Catholic’. I am not Catholic, I am Christian and I know many Christian people who save themselves and who would agree with you. So I don’t understand the point of just narrowing it down to ‘Catholics’ because many other groups of people have these same views.

I wish I would have waited. My husband did. We didn’t have sex untill we were married and it was a beautiful experiance. My past experiance though has made our journey of experiance very one sided. I get to watch him have all the wonderfull first sexual experiences and can not join in the new and exciting feelings because I have experienced it before. Often I have wished I was sharing it with him for the first time. I didn’t grow up religious and I feel no shame for my past but I can honestly say waiting deepens the connection you have with your spouse. It is worth it even if you have had sex in the past. I would encourage anyone regardless of past experiance or religious background to save it for your wedding night. The deep connection of love and trust is indescribable if you wait. In my experiance it can not be obtained otherwise and believe me I tried for years.

…it isn’t just Catholics that feel this way. Protistants Methodists, Mormons, and other religious groups teach the same principles. But it seems to a dwindling number of listeners. It seems like we have reached a wheat and tares society. Morals and values that were once held by the majority of society now seem to split the two groups entirely. God give us His grace, mercy, forgiveness, and understanding until He comes again. Thank you for this articulate article. I’m glad to know my children will someday meet other children raised in a god-loving home.

I “lost” mine with my boyfriend in a college dorm, and you know what I think? It was a wonderful experience because we loved each other and wanted to share something with each other. I couldn’t possibly pretend to understand what it’s like to see this topic from your perspective, but you’ll never understand any perspective other than your own, either. Don’t slut-shame people for having a different experience. Two people can share a sexual experience that has nothing to do with “test-driving,” and everything to do with an emotionally intimate connection. That comment by your friend was very rude, and waiting for marriage is a perfectly great idea. However, the chances of finding yourself in a relationship with someone who has a past are almost guaranteed and they shouldn’t be guilty or ashamed because they’re not virginal and child-like. A little tolerance can go a long way in ANY relationship.

I feel as though you misunderstood this article completely. There was no slut-shaming present at all. She said simply that SHE did not want to lose her virginity in a college dorm. She wasn’t bashing anyone who had or even anyone who chooses to have sex before marriage. She was expressing her desire to save her virginity for someone who deserved it. She even went on to say that her husband, who had had sex before marriage was able to change his mindset in regards to sex and it was meaningful and beautiful to the both of them even though they had different past experiences. I think you need to reread this because there is no slut-shaming present but people see what they want to see.

This article absolutely is slut-shaming…to a tee. People deserve to live their lives how they choose, but this article is pushy. I had sex for the first time with a serious boyfriend and it was beautiful. Zero regrets.

“deserve”suggests an authority.It is my understanding that for christians God is that authority.Christians therefore deserve nothing because they have nothing of there own except their will which they are free to submit to Gods loving commands or to rebell against them.

I just want to thank you for teaching the eternal principle that God delights in chastity. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, commonly known as Mormon. I believe the same as you Jackie. Marriage and sexual relations come in the same package. They are not ever to seen as separate entities. Thank you for making it known to the world that marriage and sexual relations are to happen between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded. One thing to add: I know that as we live righteously, God will allow us to have our marriage last forever, not just until we die. We His children and he knows we are eternal beings, not just mortal. If you want to learn more about this please visit lds.org or mormon.org. Forever Families are possible in the Holy Temples of God.
Thank you!

To each their own, but describing yourself as feeling ‘child-like’ on your wedding night is downright creepy. Please change that wording if you hope on reaching anyone besides zealots that already agree wholeheartedly with you.

When you accept Jesus as your savior, you are accepting his act on the cross of taking the sin of the world upon himself and paying the price that we all deserve to pay. Because of the blood of Jesus we are washed white as snow. When we repent, God forgives and completely erases our sin. If He can wash your sin away, you can forgive yourself. Start again, a new creation. Your future wife will forgive you too.

I can relate to this as I was a virgin and my husband had one other experience before me. It was something that truly haunted my heart for a very long time, But, the best part is that my husband always says that he always thought he knew what sex was until us, that he actually learned what making love was with me.

I think this was so beautifully put and I agree one hundred percent! My husband and I both saved ourselves for marriage. We have no regrets, just amazing love in our relationship, both sexually and spiritually (which both go together). As a youth I remember seeing how in love my parents were and I knew I wanted that too. I remember thinking, on countless occasions, that I loved my husband so much, before I even knew him, that I wanted to only be with him. My husband worked with MTV for a summer and was surrounded by opportunities to give in but never had sex, drank or did drugs with any of those people. He had many of those people tell him how much they wished they could be like him. He saw firsthand what Satan can do to people’s lives and is grateful that he chose Christ’s path instead. He turned 26 on our honeymoon and I was 25 when we got married. That’s a long time to wait, but I am so glad we did! My wedding night was amazing and full of love and respect. I am not of your same faith. I am Mormon. But even though we are of different faith we share beliefs. I thank you for all you do to pass along these messages to the world and especially to the youth. They need these kind of examples to look up to. You are amazing! Keep it up!

I’m glad I’m not the only one who views sex after marriage as a special moment to share with you’re husband. I, too, am mocked for the promise I made to God when I was 13 years old. “Save myself entirely for my wedding day” what I’m saying is that not only is sex on the waiting pedestal but kissing as well! That’s right! I’m a never been kissed 36 year old and not ashamed to say that I’m waiting entirely for my husband to give myself completely to! I can say that I have not compromised that promise I made to God! I don’t plan to even when He has blessed my life with an amazing man who honors my promise. What motivates me is my relationship with God … He never breaks His promises to me and I don’t intend to start breaking this promise now. I will say it’s hard at times but my promise remains intact!

The concept of virginity is silly. You don’t measure the first time you do anything else so why should you do it here. I understand these sentiments but the concept of virginity has always been used in a negative light towards women.

People shouldn’t shame you for your choice to wait until you were married to have sex. But likewise, you shouldn’t talk so negatively about those who don’t. You say you didn’t “lose your virginity” when you finally chose to have sex, and that’s a great way of looking at it. But there are plenty of other people who have sex before marriage who feel the same way. The problem is in shaming people for their own sexual choices, and unfortunately, you’re taking part in that. Discuss your choices, your feelings, what you think is right, but don’t forget that only God can judge. Don’t fight negative and judgmental attitudes with one of your own.

I married my husband when I was 31 and my husband 26. We were both virgins before then, but I never felt like I had “lost” my virginity to him. I had told him that we traded it to each other. We traded our individual virginity for marital bliss, which it truly has been. We’ve now been married over five years and have three beautiful children. Thank you for standing up for what you believe in by sharing this post.

I am 29 and I never have had sex. I wish I would have by now but I am so ugly and missing teeth no girl would ever have sex with me. I almost had sex once but it didn’t completely happen. I honestly feel like loser because of this. I wish I wasn’t so ugly and could have sex with a girl before I am 30. Probably won’t happen because I am so hideous.

Alexis, I don’t feel worthy of you because before I became a Born-Again virgin
for eight years stetching it out to nine years and I feel even though I am ugly
too and would love my second marriage to be to you, that you may grow to hate
me or think of me as unattractive because I am very unattractive, missing my
teeth with brown hair with hazel eyes. My smile is the only attractive thing
I possess. Besides God, my only assets are the greatest poems in the world
that I have written, the best art and the best music without a guitar just as yet.
Alexis, my name is Cynthia and I am searching and waiting however long it
takes because I don’t want to hate making love. I hate sex, not making love.
I am not going to conform anymore to anyone. I only conform to God.
God is the most important relevance to me. I am very ugly. I am one hundred
and seventy five pounds. My belly is like the blimp in the sky. Nobody wants
me just like you believe no one wants you. Except I am fifty two and you are
twenty nine. There is nothing I can do about that.
But if you were a little older than me or a little younger than I, then yes,
the marriage vows would stick because I am a very faithful, kind,
compassionate, caring, intelligent, creative, withdrawn, beautiful in
personality and Christian character just as you are. I wish we could be more
than friends, just the same as soulspouses.
I have had premarital sex and I have been raped several times.
But, I believe that God is going to send me someone very special.
I have so much to offer. I have nothing to lose and everything to give.

Jackie,
Bringing the Catholic church into your argument completely ruined your credibility and all subsequent arguments crumbled; and here’s why:

Catholicism, Christianity, Mormonism, and almost any other religion rely on a few human traits we all share in order for them to succeed and create more believers. We commonly refer to these traits as ’emotions’.
-FEAR
Religion uses things like “hell” and terms like “the wrath of god” to scare people into doing what the church beleives is right.
-HOPE
Despite the fear of eternal punishment, most people, even believers, still “sin”. Religion knows this. Therefore they offer rewards like “heaven” and say that god loves you and can forgive you so as to instill hope.
-LOVE/LUST
We all experience both. Religions know this also. However, if we were to pursue these emotions on our own we might be tempted to wander away from religion. Therefore religion lays out strict guidlines on this issue and tells you that there is some sort of formula or plan to follow in order to please god AND find your true love. (hope again)
-PRIDE
Humans have a particular weakness to this emotion. And yes, Religion knows this as well. Believing in a religion feels downright fantastic. To know that you already know the answers, that you will live in paradise forever, and that you can speak to thecreator of the universe any time you want? It truly feels like you’re on top of the world.
Religions know this feeling, and indeed it is one they strive to facilitate.

As we become more and more accustomed to any given beleif, we tend to start disregarding information that is contrary to our belief (such as the fact that there is absolutely no proof that any god exists) and the reason is simply that we really like that ‘on top of the world’ feeling and we really dislike that feeling you get when you start thinking that you just might be wrong..

It is so saddening to see in others and even more deppressing to discover it in yourself.

My original point is that emotion, and therefore religion, should never be used to make an argument. Both are fallacies of logic.

Jackie,
I reject your foolish, condescending, and egotistical article, and I hope that from now forward it only serves to show people how simple we humans really are.
-Locke

Thank you for your testimony and the time you took to post this. It touched my heart, and helped me reflect on the blessings from Heavenly Father. It urges me, and I pray that it will for many others, to be better in thoughts, words and deeds, especially concerning intimacy between man and woman, ment only for husband and wife. Again I thank you for standing for what is right. And I thank God that he blessed me with my wife to have for all eternity. 🙂

Look, no one should fault you for not having had sex before being married. But you, and many of your readers, are pretending like all sex is equal. And, frankly, it’s not.

But, again, no one can fault you for this view because you’ve never seen the other side.

That you attempt to downplay the value of knowledge in a sexual context, just as it is valuable in other situations, is sad and a little dishonest. And, in this case, two virgins exploring together through life is a sweet sentiment but it is also limited by the confines of the shared total of experiences. A one off fumbling in the back seat of a car, or breaking the law of chastity a time or two, is NOT experiencing sex. That’s like strumming a guitar in a music store then claiming you’re a musician.

There is nothing “wrong” with waiting until marriage to have sex. But let’s not pretend experience doesn’t offer improvement. When you claim that the statement spurring your blog was ignorant you kind of show just how little you understand about human sexuality.

For those of you claiming there is no “slut-shaming” please read this bit again…”Those particular men and women who had sex outside of marriage truly felt that their virginity was lost. One woman described it as a loss of innocence. Another described it as a loss of an idea of what it should’ve been to have sex for the first time when she said, “It wasn’t like the movies. My boyfriend didn’t even hold me afterwards.” Others have said, “I felt used.” Others have felt the loss of pride, because they were the ones who would’ve “never” committed the sin of fornication. Others have felt that their dignity was lost, because they gave themselves away just to hear the words, “I love you,” or “You’re beautiful.”
Tell me this. When did she ever say that some people don’t feel guilt, or shamed, or used? That they are perfectly happy with their choices and have no regrets? She doesn’t. She AUTOMATICALLY brings up how people can ONLY ever have a bad feeling or experience. That right there is “slut-shaming”. Go ahead and tell yourself that it isn’t, but you’ll be lying to yourself.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, your observations, & mostly your heart! I have not read anything quite so blatantly HONEST!! From my own experience. I will say that having sex outside of marriage, even with intended spouse, is like a re-run! If Gods not 100% in a relationship, the joy on Two Becoming One is not what it’s meant to be!! Even though I’m forgiven, it’s a huge regret, which doesn’t go away, even after decades! I pray your message reaches the most hardest of hearts!
GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY!!
Because of the Cross
Peggy

I guess I’m late to the party here. But I think what was written was beautiful. But It’s not my experience. Abuse at a very you age took my virginity – so young that I don’t remember ever being a virgin. Anyway, what this gal expresses makes my heart grieve. I was never given the option. No matter what your faith system is, I like how she makes sex sound pure and good – perhaps God ordained – if you chose to believe in God. This concept has never occurred to me given my background. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Your saying that your husband gave into a moment of weakness and lust makes you just as bad and illogical as anyone who might think you silly for saving yourself. The drive for sex is a purely biological drive, honed by millions of years of evolution. Repressing those urges is more vile than losing your virginity in a dorm room. That statement also implies that no one has lost their virginity to someone that mattered in the moment but was simply a passing point in life.

Beautiful post. I’m LDS, and we believe similar things about sex. It’s a beautiful, holy, sacred thing under the right circumstances – between husband and wife. My husband and I were both virgins on our wedding night, and we wouldn’t trade our experience for anything. We’ve talked about it several times. I love your take on it – that virginity wasn’t really lost, and that although it wasn’t your husband’s first experience, it was still holy and sacred because the circumstances were right. Just really, really loved this post.

Awesome article and great example of why God intended sex for marriage. Only problem I have is the comment about “good catholic men and women” because Catholicism is not the only branch of Christianity that has access to God’s word. All Christians can read the bible and see what God clearly tells us to do. Catholics are not the only people who have the ability to wait until marriage. I’m willing to bet that there are Christians that wait- not just Catholics. I’m also willing to bet that there are Christians who did not- as well as Catholics. Catholicism does not equal Christianity it is merely a branch of the religion.

Good article. May i add, ladies if you are saving yourself you should expect the same from your future husband. It does matter. I saved myself but my husband didn’t. It has taken years for all the crap from the past sex in his life to fade

I’d never marry someone I didn’t take for a test drive first. If I’m going to have sex with only one guy for the rest of my life I want to know beforehand that we’re compatible in bed.

“Secondly, do you really think I’m happy that my husband’s first experience of sex was with someone else because he got to ‘practice?'”

I’d prefer someone with experience. I want someone who is confident and knows some fun ideas to try. But that’s just me because I’m a grown-up. If this woman is so childish and immature that she’s going to resent him for the rest of his life because he’s had sex with someone before her, she’s going to have a sorry, angry life. And so is he.

I just can’t believe the audacity of people to ask such personal questions. I married my husband when I was 36 (he had a previous relationship in which he has 2 sons). A woman in our church asked him if I had been married or had any of my own children (like that is any of her business, since neither of us know her very well). When he replied no, she actually had the audacity to ask if I was a virgin. When he told me that later, I was infuriated. What business is it of hers whether I am or not? Can’t a 36 year old who has never been married or had children still be a virgin? My cousin who is the same age as me (now 41) has never been married, has no kids and wow she’s a virgin too. It’s not like it’s not possible. So rude of people to think they should be privy to our personal affairs or to think that they should give their opinions too.

I would like to point out that sex outside of marriage can also be a special, meaningful and wonderful experience. I had sex with my college girlfriend, and we dated for six years. I loved her (and still love her in a different way) very much, and I have fond memories of our times together. However, we just didn’t work out. We wanted different things from life, so we went our separate ways. I am now married and love my wife dearly, but I don’t regret sleeping with my college girlfriend, and I certainly don’t feel any shame for it. Some people do end up loving more than one person in their lifetime, and there is nothing wrong with that. I think what is most important is that sex be shared between two people who love and respect each other. They don’t have to spend the rest of their lives together for sex to be meaningful and special.

This was an awesome article! Someone told me since I’m a virgin and I preferably want to be married to a virgin (but hey people make mistakes), that we should practice……before hand…..That doesn’t make any sense -_- I’m sure when I’m married and that time comes, we’ll know what to do

They aren’t and never will be outdated. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. It is man who has changed so that they can justify doing what they want to do. Eventually, there will be consequences for going against His laws and commandments. If not in this life, then in the next. God’s laws make us truly free, satan would make you a slave.

I’m a 23 year old mormon and a Virgen. I’m so grateful that people of all faiths can unite and work together and encourage one another to keep these sacred powers holy. Thank you for sharing your experience.

I saw your guys’ wedding announcement in a Catholic newspaper, and then looked you up online — so happy for you guys. It’s none of our business anyway about his status, but if this is a testimony to encourage chastity, then blessings to your team chastity project. About the website, I haven’t looked through it entirely but it seems good and I’ve shared friends emails to the newsletter subscriptions to promote chastity awareness. One thing that maybe the website editor could work on is on the Statistics page, under Chastity benefits (I think one of them is out of place and is supposed to be in the category above it) — there could be way more things there that are also very meaningful and appealing to the emotions and morals as well…that Jackie herself could think up I’m sure, or ideas for the website viewers, or chastity speakers/writers…I mean the list could be almost endless of why chastity is awesome and beneficial, whether it’s in a voice of repentance that it’s listed or it’s from knowing it’s true, etc. Anyway, blessings upon Jackie’s vocation — may you always find happiness in Jesus Christ first and may it be the center of your marriage and life 😀

also, does it really help to put down methods of birth control in detail? what are the statistics on that — does it truly help people decide NOT to do that, but to do abstinence, or do many people actually decide to do one of those methods they like best? personally i’m an abstinence-only chick, so don’t worry about me here, i’m convinced that abstinence- chastity is good for me as a single person (pray for me to be pure of heart though!)

Thank you for writing such an inspiring article. While im not Catholic i am a christian that believes in saving ones self for marriage. I love your comment about how virginity is not lost on a wedding night but freely given out of love.. Such a great message and reassurance for me.

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and we believe the exact same thing! Thank you for standing up to the world view of loose sexuality. It is always comforting to find others of different faiths who are standing up for truth! Thanks for this!

So, let me get this straight, you are upset that your husband has ever been attracted to any woman other than you? I guarantee you he is sexually attracted to other women even today. Even on the day of your wedding he is checking out other women and having sexual thoughts about them. That is human nature. It doesn’t have to do with him being a man or having had sex before. If he didn’t do that and feel that way, you two would never even be together. Accept that sex isn’t an immoral and disgusting act. It’s a beautiful act that creates a bond between people and is also a lot of fun. It might not seem that difficult from your virgin point of view, but honestly, there’s a reason people are saying “at least one of you has practice.” It’s almost never great the first time between two virgins. People have trouble figuring out what they like sexually until they try things. Kinky people often reach that point by trying new things and seeing what excites them sexually. They aren’t just gross sexual deviants but experienced and thoughtful lovers.

As a therapist I love all of this article except the comment that you felt child-like on your wedding night. Be careful of comments like that. Innocent? Full of wonder? Some other phrase is a better choice. But all in all an excellent article that I wish all the teenagers I counsel had to read!

Great artical Jackie.. I think this is just not limited to verginity… Everyone has a past full of sins and goods, bouquette of memories good or bad. ( No flower in buoquette smells the same. Each has unique fragrance). Its very important how good we learn from our past and how much committed we are in our present relation and leave the future in the hands of god ( as he only knows what is good for us )

“I don’t know any girl who just hopes and wishes that her husband has memories of another girl”

Whoo hoo over here this girl!

Calvin has um ahem excellent skills, and I’d like to thank all the girls who came before me and contributed. ALSO thanks for not giving him STDs! I don’t give a s*** that he remembers them, every day he’s with me he’s choosing me so why whould I care if he plays Calvin’s greatest hits (pun totally intended) in his head sometimes?

Does the bible even forbid sex outside of marriage? Or was that just fear mongering nonsense made up by silly men with kooky hats?

I appreciate the message but to assume someone is regretful is just as ignorant. I, for one, am deeply in love with my boyfriend. We’re having a daughter together and we have a beautiful relationship. From the other perspective, a piece of paper is a technicality that won’t alter the way we feel toward one another. Not that it matters, but we plan to get married when we can celebrate our love the way we want to (can afford our dream wedding.)

Not knowing the person that told you, “Well at least someone knows what they’re doing” I honestly first thought she/he was referring to you. To me, “someone knows what they’re doing” meant that you knew what you were doing by waiting until marriage. Just a matter of perspective I guess.

Loved this article. So true on all levels. I thought you were a member of my faith while reading it, and seeing that we don’t belong to the same religion made me glad that others are following the same practices that I do. Loved the article Jackie, keep em’ coming.

I waited until my wedding night for sex. I had believed all the things you articulated in this blog post until then, and had waited until age 26. The reality was much different than I had hoped. On my wedding night and in the weeks that followed, I learned something very troubling about my spouse: he was not attracted to women sexually. He had not told this to me prior to us getting married, and denied it even when I asked about it. But the truth is that he never wanted me sexually unless I offered something best described as common to male-male sex. When I asked why he’d married me he gave me a list of pragmatic reasons he’d thought the marriage would improve his success in the public sphere. Obviously, he had not communicated this to me either; when we were dating and engaged, he’d told me he loved me and had said all the right things to make me believe he was a God-fearing man who wanted a family and a future with me. In reality, we were the farthest thing from partners, and the marriage was a sham. Christian counseling didn’t help either. We ended up divorced. Now, this isn’t true for everyone who waits for marriage to have sex, and certainly waiting has worked for many of my friends. But to deny that there are certain things you just don’t know about your partner until you become sexual is a lie. I’ve met many Christians who experienced similar things and we have come to the same conclusion: being sexually ethical and careful is important, but waiting until you’re married can be an utterly terrible idea.

I don’t know if my last comment(s) got posted, anyway, to answer my own concern, I think the description of “methods” of birth control on the Chastity Project website are not to encourage them, but to DIS-courage them, to warn against them — for physical and spiritual and moral reasons. And hopefully Jackie Francois’s couplehood and parenthood can be a model for other Catholic couples who want to follow God’s loving plan of his Gospel of Life. Blessings to Jackie and Bobby!

You’re so strong to wait to give your body, soul, trust, and faith to one man for eternity. It takes a whole different kind of will power in the economy and time to not give into to peer pressure and/or give yourself o someone before they are yours 110%.

As for your reasoning behind it. Very selfish. Very ignorant. And very pathetic. To belittle and talk about the majorities “loss of their virginity” being a mistake and whatever else is bologna. These people as well must’ve been peers you accumulated your responses from, and or other religious people that follow in the way of god. But this is down right disgusting.

OH my goodness, I have to comment on this! I really want to encourage all the young people reading this to decide what their boundaries are…and I’m talking about conversational boundaries! This blog made me angry because the conversation shouldn’t have happened in the first place! Unless the fiancé of the writer was disclosing that information about themselves, it was not okay for his fiancé to participate in a conversation about his past sin with someone in casual conversation. I think a lot of faith-fill young people think that they need to talk openly about their private decisions, or information like the above. There may be parts of your faith/conversion story that involve other people. Do not share their private story for them! If a sin has been confessed to a priest, it is gone. I really think it does a disservice to the person who’s working to get free of the after-affects of that sin, to discuss it with anyone other than them! It was not your business to share, to be honest. The appropriate answer to the person who so crudely and inappropriately asked the question that sparked this blog, would have been, “My fiancé and I don’t tell one another’s conversion stories. That’s a conversation he’d have with you if he wanted to.” Sometimes you have to teach others what YOUR healthy boundaries are by example, especially when they show such crass judgment in asking a question like the above. God bless!

I love this. But I came to it looking for some encouragement for the figure despite my making the mistake of losing my virginity and did not find it. I lost mine as a senior in high school and then had a series of sexual affairs after, questing for someone to love me and want me. I even had sex with a guy who very clearly stated “I don’t have to worry about what I say in front of you because we are never going to be in a relationship” and that was the final blow. I’ve been looking for some words of comfort in this state but have trouble finding them. I feel like used goods. Like any man wanting a wife won’t want me. So I keep allowing myself to be used and won’t stand up for myself because I am damaged anyway.

I’m 23 and I recently called of my wedding. It was very difficult, but my fiance and I are still engaged. We are both still virgins and are planning to wait until our wedding to have sex. Neither of us our tied to the christian church any longer. I wouldn’t say that we don’t believe in God but we definitely don’t believe in the one they talk about. It recently came up with my mother that we still hadn’t slept with each other ( I just got a new bed, another twin) and she just got this weird look on her face. “well if the god thing isn’t an issue anymore what’s the point?” It was very disappointing to learn that all sex meant to my mother was something the big man in the sky told you not to do until you were married. Unfortunately I think many people have this view point. They don’t think about what sex means to them personal outside their family or church. I am very proud of us for sticking to it and am looking forward to when we do get married and can share that experience with each other. And only each other.

Thank you so much for these sacred words you wrote! I’m an italian girl of 27 years old and i have never found a man who thinks the same way as me! I think verginity is somthing really important..but today if you’re vergin you are seen like an alien, full of problems, strange! or the worst thing is to see men who choose you only for that thing and at the same time they have another relationship ( in order to make sex). I hope that somewhere and someday i will find the right person who understands me in Christian way this value! today after reading these words i felt like i’m not alone! Thank you!

Thank you so much for these sacred words you wrote! I’m an italian girl of 27 years old and i have never found a man who thinks the same way as me! I think verginity is somthing really important..but today if you’re vergin you are seen like an alien, full of problems, strange! or the worst thing is to see men who choose you only for that thing and at the same time they have another relationship ( in order to make sex). I hope that somewhere and someday i will find the right person who understands me in Christian way this value! today after reading these words i felt like i’m not alone!

As a Muslim it’s forbidden to even make single contact with a male who’s outside the family radar, but the Muslim acquaintances that I see at school, most don’t seem to adapt to this and just get into relationships and such just to impress one another. I just want to find someone who’s my everything, marry and we’ll see where it goes from there. Thanks for the article, you’re gorgouse btw.

Beautiful. I was especially moved by your distinction between giving yourself and loosing yourself. “Even if virginity has been “lost” at some point in the past, it is still possible with Reconciliation and God’s grace to be able to, for the first time, give oneself freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. And trust me: when sex includes all of those things, that’s when someone really knows what they’re doing.” With God’s help and the Sacraments we are able to experience our sexuality anew the way God designed it to be and hoped for us.

I share that sentiments. I also feel that I did not lose my virginity on my wedding night but I freely gave it to the man God put on this earth for me. MY Hubby also had previous partners but we worked through that while courting. Our wedding night was a connecting physically to someone with whom I already have connected with on a Spiritual level.

Hello, I feel I’ve never had a virginity. As weird as that sounds. I was molested when I was 5 And I feel guilty. I prayed for god to forgive me I feel like I can’t fix it. I know it wasn’t my fault that happened. But what made me feel guilty was that. I started being sexually active again In my early teens. I felt so guilty. I had already knew how it had felt before that. It wasn’t just a dull memory when I was five. I really remember it. And as weird as this sounds to some people:it felt good. When I was a child I so desperately wanted to be loved. And that was how I expressed it. If someone gave it to me. I felt they loved me. So from then on I felt I needed it. Not just emotionally. But physically as well. It helped my mood , made my stress go away(it wasn’t gone but I almost felt better about the situation after I had sex ), and my depression had disappeared as well. That’s literally how I felt. I felt this way because I needed a fathers love in my life. I never had that. Or some kind of love from someone else. And anyone I thought loved me. Made me so happy meant so much to me. And after a while when I was 13. I felt the spirit of god telling me to stop. I said okay go I will. It what ended up happening was I really couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. It was too hard. So god kinda took control on an attempt to save my soul. He allowed something bad to happen to me to snap me out of it. And I truly felt sorry for what I had done. So I tried to stop again. But for even longer than the last time because I truly wanted to obey god. Because I knew that he loved me. And I love him too. So I stopped for a while but I couldn’t help having sex again. You probably think that shouldn’t god’s love be enough. The way I feel about it. Is that I feel I need that physical connection almost everyday. And I feel that this also keeps me apart from god. Which I really don’t want. I love him so very much. I feel like if I could just have a hug from god. That would help. Any physical touch helps me. It doesn’t even have to be sexual. I just feel I need it. So anyway later on god started to understand that it was the love issue. Not lust. I never told god at the time that I needed love. Because I didn’t totally understand myself when I was young. And the only way I saw it was the way that other people made me feel about it. Telling me I was wrong to have had sex. I’m dirty. Unwanted. Doomed to not have a perfect marriage like other Christian women. It later I discovered it wasn’t just lust. I felt that I loved the person I was with deeply even at a young age. When god understood this he went a little easier on me. He said it was wrong. But he didn’t allow bad things to happen to me anymore because he understood Me better. It is the wrong thing to do. And not a ticket into heaven. He still tells me it’s wrong to this day. But at least I’m tying to practice abstinence. And he sees the effort. Sex is still an issue for me. And I have a boyfriend now. For a year now. That I believe loves me. And I was thinking about marrying him someday. Not anytime soon but you know. I want our relationship to be blessed by the lord. But we have already had sex. He didn’t pressure me or anything. It just happened. Like a week ago. For our first time. I didn’t do it becAuse I wanted experience in sex before marriage. I loved him. Now I feel like our relationship won’t be blessed by god. If so I understand. But if I marry him. I feel that I would be judged by other people. They say “wow you can really tell the difference between people who have not had sex before their marriage. And it’s beautiful, and the people that had sex, it wasn’t holy, beautiful, and the happiness about having sex for the first time wasn’t there. ” after hearing this. I felt guilty. I wanted to see someone else’s opinion. Sex is a big deal in a marriage. It is a physical bond, not just physical but also spiritual. And I believe that. Can you go e me any advice as to how I should feel about this.

I prayed for a man who would look at me not with lust, but with gratitude to God for His beautiful creation. ( I was also being laughed at and mocked because of my decision to stay pure until marriage.)

That prayer has been answered…in such a way far beyond my imagination.

I was scanning my prayer journal, unaware of the pair of beautiful eyes which were looking at me with utter admiration. Oh how can I forget that fateful day in December 17, 2014? I was at my lowest point. I went through sudden tragic deaths of my loved-ones & it was when I gave up a promising career to pursue my love for writing. Everything felt wrong. I didn’t know when, how, & where to start. As I recalled how God has been faithful to me in the past, I decided to utter a bold prayer: “Lord, I know You called me to be Your writer. Now Lord, give me a mentor”

I opened my eyes & there in front of the Blessed Sacrament, I saw the man who owns the pair of beautiful eyes which were looking at me intently without me even noticing. I saw him did the sign of the cross as he touched the mirror protecting the Holy Eucharist. There was nothing strange about him, except the resounding voice of God that said: “He is the one”

Before I could discern God’s answer, the man approached me. To my surprise, he gave me his calling card. He said something but I didn’t understand even a single word as I was too shocked. I accepted the calling card & inserted it in my prayer journal. I couldn’t understand why my heart was racing. With trembling hands, I took out the card with words written: “Hi. I’m a Catholic missionary & author from NZ…” I couldn’t read the words written anymore as my tears blurred my already impaired vision. The flood gates of tears in my eyes opened. I was so amazed at how God answered my prayer for a mentor right after uttering the prayer. I texted the man right away & we shared our first meal together at Max’s restaurant where we chatted for 3 hours like long lost friends.

Everything started from there. We would always attend Mass together at St.Francis Church from which Adoration Chapel we first met. We had a morning routine of running together at 6 in the morning then we would share our reflections from the Gospel. That deepened our friendship until we became bestfriends. He was the one who comforted me & wiped my tears with his shirt when I was crying for a man I thought I loved. He listened to the cries of my heart. Since then, he has always been with me in my ups & downs.

Our friendship blossomed & gave birth to our co-authored book “Worth The Chase (Finding Love God’s Way)”. Our book’s message is of great love, the beauty of chastity, forgiveness, and healing of the broken-hearted. It offers great hope that God loves us no matter what, that He is calling us to turn to Him totally and that we can once again seek and obtain a pure heart no matter our past. This was God’s awesome miracle as we both love to write on topics about purity & following Christ.

Everything wasn’t smooth sailing though. He had to go back to NZ due to his brother’s sudden death. I realized that distance really makes the heart grow fonder. Our feelings developed when we were away from each other.

On May 20, 2015, he popped up the question that will forever change our lives: “Will you be my girlfriend?”

I was stunned.
I told him to hold on as I wanted to get confirmation from God first. (I had been single for 5 years since my last failed relationship with a man who couldn’t accept my decision of staying pure until marriage, then after that I fell in love with a man who came into my life just as quick as he left) I vowed to myself that I would be very careful to whom I give my heart. I asked two powerful questions: “Is he a man after God’s own heart?”
“Is he into purity?”

The answers to my questions are both big YES so I gave him my YES.

He then proposed to me on November 20, 2015 at a Catholic gathering after celebrating the Holy Mass where I served as a lector and we got married on April 21, 2016 at the same Church where we first met. Our wedding night was beautiful, not just because we both waited until marriage, but also because we believe God was in our midst and has planned that beautiful night even before we were born.

I found love God’s way.

Brendan pursued me God’s way.

We are not perfect. We are imperfect lovers who are loved perfectly by a perfect God.

True love exists and it’s worth the wait. No, true love isn’t just a fairy tale. True love is for two people who are brave enough to choose to forgive and love each other every single day.
May our love story inspire you to believe that we were made by God beautifully and wonderfully for a love that lasts forever, rather than a lust that lasts for a moment.
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Thank you so much Jackie for writing this article. I can relate to your story that is why I posted mine here. You are an inspiration! May you continue to bless other people with your gifts.

Amen! Amen! Amen! I’m divorced and in my late 40s and dating for the first time in 25 years. The woman I’m dating and I are completely on the same page for saving ourselves until marriage, if that is God’s will. In the meantime, we’re enjoying the process of actually “courting” each other, being emotionally vulnerable with one another, seeing how each other “deals” with life, understanding the beauty of each others’ insides and outsides, fighting and protecting each others’ souls, leading each other to Christ and Heaven, praying with each other, among other things. Abstaining from sex during our courtship for these reasons has actually made me waaaaaaay more crazy for her sexually than I ever was in previous relationships where I fornicated. I wished I had had this information (i.e. Theology of the Body) when I was a teen before I went off to college as I would have saved myself decades of pain and suffering – the result of a 12-year failed marriage and divorce legal proceedings that lasted another decade after that. God’s plan is so simple and beautiful in it’s purpose. My plan is totally confusing and painful in its prideful abandonment of God’s plan. After 4 months of dating, I’m sticking with God’s plan on this one.

Thank you Jackie for this article! Sometimes I hear so much discouragement and have been told no guy would wait FOR me until marriage. Good to see the big picture from the perspective of a happily married woman who’s been told this kind of thing.

Great article Jackie. I also loved reading your husband’s witness. As a man who’s had his struggles with purity I know the freedom that only chastity can bring. I am engaged now and continue trying to strive for virtue that I may be holy spouse worthy of the call I have received. Please pray for us! God bless your witness!

So true. Thank you Jackie! It’s hard for many people to understand the beauty of what God created. But I guess it’s not that surprising that faithful people are treated like idiots. Our God was treated that way as well, but never backed down. I’ve been fighting so hard for years and now I’m about to achieve what you did. My own mother doesn’t understand me, but I am truly happy.

You are beautiful and I just wanna say that that would be hard cuz guys can make girls feel like they are immature and all that for being virgins. I totally respect that and I’m still a virgin myself. (A man) Your husband is so lucky… virgins are rare. I feel like a marriage can’t be broken up when it’s not all about sex, and a promiscuous person or someone who has had any sex with another wouldn’t be as passionate about it.

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