The Onion Really IS America's Finest News Source (Well, Along With The Daily Show)

HOUSTON—On
Tuesday, Halliburton received a $110 million no-bid government contract
to pry the gold fillings from the mouths of deceased disaster victims
in the New Orleans-Gulf Coast area. "We are proud to serve the
government in this time of crisis by recovering valuable resources from
the wreckage of this deadly storm," said David J. Lesar, Halliburton's
president. "The gold we recover from the human rubble of Katrina can be
used to make fighter-jet electronics, supercomputer chips,
inflation-proof A-grade investments, and luxury yachting watches."