Welcome to my world and beyond...

A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: Sept 22, 2103

Weekend Writing Warriors: September 22, 2013

Welcome
Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Happy last morning of summer! :-)

Weekend writing
Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of
their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday
and 9:00 AM Sunday EST Then we visit each other and read, comment,
critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart
good.

I
have a major changeup in excerpt source. ATNS is all a muddle. Until I
work it out, I'll be pulling from another WIP, a fantasy story. working
title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"

The ruler, Deamante, is about to become a father. He's been waiting for quite some time outside of the birthing room, listening to his mate's cries of agony.

Creative punctuation is use. :-)

The
door flew open and the old healer burst into the hallway, halting the soon-to-be father mid-step.

Motionless for the first time in what seemed like days, Deamante's unspoken questions and looming demands weighted the air, rendering
the moment breathless.

After dropping
his gaze momentarily--a show of respect--or fear, the old man lifted his eyes to meet Deamante’s. Then, without
waiting for the ruler's unspoken thoughts to find voice, he said, "It’s nearly time.
If it is your wish, your Sir-ness, please come inside."

Deamante
hurried behind the old, gowned man, almost stepping on his heels; he’d
follow him anywhere. Today, in his eyes, the old man was just shy of being a god. He was, after all, the man who would soon
oversee his son's passage from beyond the sacred veil, where every man has seen but none remember, to this side of the Divine mystery.

That's it. What jumps out at you, good
or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am
truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.
Thank you so much for visiting!

I really like the tension in here. It's very palpable and relatable (though I'm not a mom, much less a dad).

Two things stood out for me. "Sir-ness", like Veronica mentioned and also "where every man has seen but none remember". It made me feel like "what" every man has seen is missing. Did you mean "which every man has seen" or "where every man has seen Truth but none remember" (or whatever thing you want them to see)?

Maybe that last one just bugs me 'cause English is my second language, though.

You captured his tension about the birth wonderfully. I like the imagery of where every man has seen but none remember. how true. I do agree that you can play with the wording a bit for a more natural flow and meaning.

Teresa, You grabbed me and didn't let go with excitement, anxiety and a sense of amusement. Your Sir-ness is funny and why not? Never cut funny. And who said it's a boy? No one. Only his expectation and pride. He went behind the veil-into her body, planted a seed and what happens next? Marvelous eight.

Nice job capturing a new father's angst with the waiting. And the whole Sacred veil had me thinking, what is that about. I didn't expect it. So a bit of mystery here at the end of the snippet to make the reader keep reading. Well done, Teresa!