My Corner: So, this was not easy for me to write. I wrote this as an assignment for tutoring [yes I'm getting tutored over the summer]. My tutor kept forcing me to 'brain storm' and well, I can't. I've never been able to sit down and write down ideas that I didn't want to forget. During brain storming exercises in school, the entire class could go by and I wouldn't have a thing written down while everyone else would. Needless to say, this took far longer to write [probably an hour longer] because while I was writing I was trying to think of things to write down to appease my tutor. She kept asking me what I'm trying to improve on and I told her honestly that I had no idea. I'm getting tutoring through an agency and took some assessments so they could 'mold their program around me.' I told her everyone else seemed to know more than I did. The only thing I knew was that I couldn't brain storm. The things I did write down were unnecessary and I didn't need that damn paper anyway. "They're just supposed to help you keep your thoughts organized," They say. Well I say they don't do a damn thing for me if they themselves aren't organized and I have no idea what I'm talking about. I always do worse and take a whole lot longer when I'm told to brain storm. I don't know why, but it's true and I can't seem to explain it well enough for them to get it. I just feel like shoving something I wrote without brain storming under their nose and telling them to read it. It would be of a better quality that much I can assure them.

Anyway, I don't really think this is anywhere near the quality I could write if I had had it my way. But, I'm bored so I'm posting it anyway. It took me an hour and a half to write it out on paper [as they insisted] when it only took me eight minutes to type up. There's gotta be something wrong there.

<p align="center"><i>Marionette</i></p>
The strings always got caught. Why? Well that’s easy enough to answer. It was because of Murphy’s Law, all that can go wrong shall. In my case, my strings would become a heap of tangles and hours of my time would be taken up untangling the delicate strands. My master held no respect for his vassals, after we performed on stage he’d put us away haphazardly.

I won’t have a long life, none of us do. Every few years we out stay our welcome; we’re taken to the right. The door on the left leads to the stage and we go through that door many times. But, the door on the right is a one way passage for my careless master’s vassals. Our room was dark so when the right hand door opened we knew the lights would come on.

The right door opened and light flooded in. I saw my master’s silhouette fumble with the light switch. The dim lights flashed on but our eyes still ached, we were far to used to the dark.

He lumbered down the narrow path and stopped in front of me. His sunken face neared my own white-painted one. He picked up my tangled strings and cross, and then with his free large calloused hand he picked up my festively clothed body. The seams of my dark purple fool’s hat were frayed, slowly coming undone.

He didn’t bother to untangle my silver strings. He never bothered to mend the clothes that hung on my wooden frame. Nor did he repaint my cracked wooden lips that were forever carved in a smile.

With heavy steps he lumbered toward a door. He let go of my body, I swung down and spun ungracefully. He opened the door with his now free hand, and as I spun I realized we were not going to the stage. This was the world on the right. My puppeteer placed me on a counter; if I had a heart I’m sure I’d hear it.

His hand reached and grabbed a pair of silver sheers. He cut the string on my left foot and then my right. It felt so strange, like I couldn’t think properly anymore. He cut another string and the world hazed over.

His mouth twisted into a smile, revealing blackened teeth. “No need to think anymore,” He said hoarsely.

The final string cut with the sound of a ‘snip.’

My corner [again]: Look at it! It's so short! It should have only taken me about half an hour to write or type up. I write longer things than this that only take up half an hour of my time!

It is quite superb (why did I just put a fancy word for good?). I think that the expression that you usually have is gone though. I don't think that brainstorming is the way for you. It isn't for me, I like to make up as I go along.

Oh, I had my progress conference recently and they said this was beautifully written...I thought that was weird since I was disappointed with myself for the lack of emotion in it. Makes one wonder about what they'd say about some of my other stories, doesn't it?

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Sun Jul 29, 2007 7:08 pm

Ghost Writer

Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:45 pmPosts: 382Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.

Crimson wrote:

Oh, I had my progress conference recently and they said this was beautifully written...I thought that was weird since I was disappointed with myself for the lack of emotion in it. Makes one wonder about what they'd say about some of my other stories, doesn't it?

They say that a good writer is one that hates their own work. So, don't be surprised.

Actually, I usually like everything I write. At the end of each chapter or story I'm usually left content and pleased by whatever I wrote. I didn't like this one as much because it felt so robotic to me, and I felt I had lost a foot-hold of something I had become fairly adept at. So it was surprising that they said it was very well written when I felt I took a step backward.

I think it's good, I don't exsactly like it though. It is very deppressing, made more so by the fact that it's short. Verry good story I just personally don't like it too much.

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Mon Jul 30, 2007 9:46 am

Crimson

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pmPosts: 716Location: USA EST

Treecko, you have a very good point, LOL.

Dunsparce, that's what my mom said...the thing about it being dark. Some people like happy stories some like darker ones, it's just an issue of taste. I'm not quite sure of what you mean about it being more depressing by its length, especially since you said you hadn't enjoyed it overly much. If you had enjoyed it more, I would've assumed it was because you wished there was more or something similar. I hope you stick around the forum, you seem to be able to give a decent critique.

Oh, I meant that it seemed to be deppresing because of it's length because it seemed to be directly made to depress, you are introduced to something's life, you experiance it's thoughts and feelings, it dies, that makes me sadder than long tragedies. I do somewhat like tradgedies, I enjoy the emotion in them.

Crimson wrote:

I hope you stick around the forum, you seem to be able to give a decent critique.

Hahahahaha! I had honestly just gone in here because I was bored, I saw your story and wanted to comment on it. Thanks though . I will defenetly stick around if I can post my poems (don't write short stories much, more of an essay person).

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Mon Jul 30, 2007 7:00 pm

Crimson

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pmPosts: 716Location: USA EST

Quote:

Oh, I meant that it seemed to be deppresing because of it's length because it seemed to be directly made to depress, you are introduced to something's life, you experiance it's thoughts and feelings, it dies, that makes me sadder than long tragedies. I do somewhat like tradgedies, I enjoy the emotion in them.

Well this definitly isn't a good example then. There's no emotion in it, which is what I hate about this piece. I do write darker stories, it's one of the things I'm known for.

Quote:

Hahahahaha! I had honestly just gone in here because I was bored, I saw your story and wanted to comment on it. Thanks though . I will defenetly stick around if I can post my poems (don't write short stories much, more of an essay person).

You can post both here. I'd be thrilled to see someone new take interest in the forum that isn't a n00b for a change.

Well this definitly isn't a good example then. There's no emotion in it, which is what I hate about this piece. I do write darker stories, it's one of the things I'm known for.

It doesn't in itself have emotion but it is defenetly implied as it takes you through the details of the puppets life and ends it.

Crimson wrote:

You can post both here. I'd be thrilled to see someone new take interest in the forum that isn't a n00b for a change.

Well, um...I am a n00b (<hate that word). I consentrait on the underlieing emotion and flow of stories, if it doesn't have either I don't like it (yours had both, it just made me sad), so I'm not a good judge of a rough bland story. I'll post my poems soon so you can see that.

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Mon Jul 30, 2007 7:58 pm

Crimson

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pmPosts: 716Location: USA EST

Sweetling, you're not a n00b, at least you haven't come across as one. For one thing, you use proper grammar and spelling. You act maturely, and seem to have a fairly level head [which is more than what I can say for myself at times :roll: ].

As for this piece, it definitly isn't as emotional as some other things I've written. It normally comes naturally, but I had to fight for it with this one.

Ah, sorry, I do that sort of thing to everyone. It doesn't really mean anything, it's kinda like when an old lady you've never even seen before starts talking to you and calls you 'honey'. But, maybe that's never happened to you, it happens all the time to me. XD

LOL, I wanted a new avvie and decided to go with my dinosaur fixation and my name, this one was the only red dinosaur I had scanned the image of. It's one of the dinosaurs that has been featured in Prince of Peace. It's a Saurornitholestes, or as Devin 'affectionately' calls them thieves.

It's a Dromaeosaurid, it's in the same group as Velociraptors. Like the Velociraptor, it has a killing claw on its second toe. There have been fossil finds in Alberta, Canada. It's name means 'lizard bird thief,' so there's the uncreative nickname. This dinosaur as well as other Dromaeosaurids were the most important active predators of the late Cretaceous era. Their clawed hands would've allowed them to grasp prey between their palms. It is believed that they were extremely smart making them even more imposting. And its lifestyle was that of a hunter.

Random fact, Jurassic Park made Velociraptors twice as smart and large in the movies. They're actually smaller than the average man, they're about 6.5 feet long [2 meters].

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Tue Jul 31, 2007 6:25 am

Ghost Writer

Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:45 pmPosts: 382Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.

Crimson wrote:

It's a Dromaeosaurid, it's in the same group as Velociraptors. Like the Velociraptor, it has a killing claw on its second toe. There have been fossil finds in Alberta, Canada. It's name means 'lizard bird thief,' so there's the uncreative nickname. This dinosaur as well as other Dromaeosaurids were the most important active predators of the late Cretaceous era. Their clawed hands would've allowed them to grasp prey between their palms. It is believed that they were extremely smart making them even more imposting. And its lifestyle was that of a hunter.

Thanks for the history lesson XD

Crimson wrote:

Random fact, Jurassic Park made Velociraptors twice as smart and large in the movies. They're actually smaller than the average man, they're about 6.5 feet long [2 meters]

They got more facts right about them in Jurrasic Park 2 (the scientists speculated their hunting patterns), and the actual look of them was almost right in 3. Unfortunately, the movie wasn't so good, and I have to say I'm not looking forward to Jurrsaic Park 4.

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