Dare to cross the invisible, glittering bridge into Athena Graceland! Ooooh, I dig that! Imagine this majestic, neon pink and gold, larger than life bridge, materializing out of opalescent, whispering fog…. Blossoming forth like diamond-paved lotus falling into it’s own sprawling body of infinity…. and you are purely compelled to take a step closer… and then another step. And then a thousand more.

You are now entering Athena Graceland. Population ONE. And when I say ONE, yes, just to clarify, that does include YOU. I just breathed hella deep. I’m excited to be back on the page, EXPRESSING. Can you tell? But now for the conundrum of alchemizing a line (time) into a sacred squiggle (existence). My age old struggle as a writer from the twelfth dimension. Honestly, I don’t know what dimension I am from… But not the third, that’s fo’ sho’. More in the ballpark of kaleidoscopes and prisms…

For a minute, I thought I wanted to get a divorce from Athena Graceland. This creation o’ mine, was starting to feel like a lame unicorn. As wrong as it seems, sometimes you just gotta shoot the unicorn. But I’m glad that the unicorn is still limping along, and willing to let me climb up on her luscious, satin back, while she bucks and snorts about for a spell. Because sometimes this girl’s gotta let it OUT.

Where have I been? What is new. What freshly baked, steaming stars are currently blazing through the birth canal?

Well, after mooooooonths of pain and suffering, trying to fit my star-shaped self into a hexagonal hole, I finally let go of my Relationship with Ed. I almost said “I let go of Ed,” but that would be far from accurate. Our hearts are still close. Very close. But I’ve released the future into God’s luminous hands, like any sane little glowing child of the Infinite would. I knew it had to happen. But I held on as long as I possibly could. Even in the face of excruciating pain. Ha! In the moments of feeling ripped open and bleeding, it was *not* that funny. But now, from over here, behind a gloriously closed door, in my comfy-assed bed, in my electric blue light strewn bedroom in the Oregon countryside, it actually does strike my funny bone…. that I could endure sOMuch pain… that I would keep choosing to hold on… even though it was eating me alive. Teehee. Hahahaha. Now I’m laughing at myself laughing. Cuz gosh, it’s silly. If you can’t make fun of the human journey, than don’t bother taking it. Teehee.

So yeah. Ed and I are exploring the domain of friendship. And the parts of myself that I was suppressing and conforming in order to be in the Relationship are now expanding back into a more integris and pure expression of me-ness. Like no more sacrificing other nourishing relationships in my life, in order to keep Ed from feeling threatened. It’s an ahhhhhh feeling inside me, like spreading out into perfectly warm water. And no more syphoning all my energy into the Relationship, at the expense of other dimensions of my selfhood. Though we are still communicating a lot, it’s not out of a sense of obligation…. and I have a lot more time and energy to spend reading great books about how to heal my relationship with money, being fully present and available in present time reality, here at Ananda Laurelwood, and communicating with my wOMen– I started a video sharing circle that has gone deeeeeep… and really, it is the light of my life.

In fact, I think I’ll start a whole new paragraph, just so I can exclaim on high, that “wild wOMen wisdOM” is the manifestation (femifestation) of my heart’s pure longing. Deep breath. (come on, join me….) I have been spending sOMuch time in Ananda communities, over the past year…. and it has me feeling malnourished in a way. While the Ananda culture offers many gifts and boons, it is not a culture of wildness and raw expression. It is a more conservative environment…. and while we’re on the subject of unicorns, I’ll confess that being immersed in these communities sometimes has me feel like a pent-up, frustrated unicorn. I craved a hOMe… where all of me could come out to PLAY. Where being “spiritual” is not confined in a lovely box of teachings, or practices or subtly imposed dogmas. (I almost typed “godmas”!!!! Funny!!!) And by the power of Grace-skull (a He-man reference…) wild wOMan wisdOM was born!!!! (yeah, I have a thing for OMs… what of it??!) Me and five other all-star goddesses who are devoted to waking a path with heart, who LOVE huge. Who fucking CARE. Who stumble, and pick themselves up and FLY. Who are teeming with wisdOM. whOMp!

Is it lunch time yet?? Hahaha. I’m killing myself today!!! Because that went through my head a few times, and I glanced eagerly at the clock… but normally, I would not admit it. I’d just keep plowing through the carnage of this confessional. But today, may you know that I want to EAT!!! Hahaha. Not for another hour and ten minutes.

So here I am, co-creating a nourishing life, with God and Grace and Great Goddesses in the flesh…. And it gets even more awesome!… because Ed and I have been having great conversations about our Relationship…. Exploring and unpacking the places where I compromised myself, got smaller than I am destined to be… You see, I got free, and felt a wash of relief, like a cool surge of fresh air, after being trapped in a jar with a single hole punched in the lid, for a whole year…. but then I noticed that I was holding grievances against him. Like it was HIS fault that I was choosing to be small and suffer for it. Which of course is false. We are the only ones capable of choosing bondage for ourselves. Nobody else ever puts us in prison. And miracle of miracles, Ed has been entirely receptive to hearing me; to exploring; to learning from our journey together. We are both learning and digesting and healing. This process will allow us to refine ourselves, so that we can be better the next time around. Whether it is together, (I am open to getting back together when he is actually available….) or with other partners. (I am also open to meeting someone else… it’s really always up to God, anyway.) All I know is that I want to be FULLY MET, and I will not settle for less!!!!

Gosh, I guess I should wind this up, so that you can get on with your previously programed butt-picking regime…. It’s just that it’s been so long since I’ve shared…. and life keeps on life-ing right along…. and here’s me, trying to contain this ISness, into a comprehensive, bite-sized, mind squiggle for you….

Perhaps I oughtn’t shoot the unicorn. Or keep her in a fashionably small box stall…. No, I’ll just let her roam the galaxy, grazing on tender shoots of wild starlight and the cool juices of many moons… and gallop through Athena Graceland whenever I please.

OM.

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