Bringing to light a load of old cobblers that would otherwise be gathering dust.

The BBC has defended itself after controversial East-coast rap artist and producer K-Dawg expressed his anger at the censorship of his latest single ‘[withheld for legal reasons]’.

After branding it ‘the most objectionable thing we’ve ever heard’, the BBC altered the song so much that fans tuning in for its first radio airing heard nothing but three minutes of utter silence.

‘We had no other option.’ Said Peter Frankin, head of BBC Standards and Guidelines, ‘We are morally and legally obliged to blank out any swearwords from everything we air on the radio. In this case that meant ninety percent of the lyrics had to go. Once we’d also taken out any references to drugs, violence, sexism, racism, homophobia, ageism, heightism and other offensive material, there were no words left at all.’

‘Even then we still had a job on our hands.’ He continued, ‘K-Dawg had somehow managed to make both the bass-beat and melody sound offensive, while the middle-8 was positively repugnant!’ After this censorship ‘[withheld for legal reasons]’ consisted of no audible sound whatsoever.

‘But we were still determined to play it.’ Continued Franklin, ‘The BBC prides itself on its wide range of musical coverage, including rap. We needed to be considerate of Mr. Dawg’s legions of fans and give this track the air-time it deserves.’

In response to the BBC’s actions rapper K-Dawg left an angry video message in defence of his new record on his Facebook site: ‘Mutha ****’in ****’s gonna **** **** for this! Ain’t no good ****’in **** when a brutha’s tryin’ to **** **** ****. My single’s the ****’s **** an’ no BBC’s gonna **** wid it for ****’in sho’! When I get hold of this ****’in Franklin guy I’m gonna get a great big **** with another **** tied to it and ****’n stick it right up his mutha ****’in [withheld for legal reasons].’

Hamas fighters have foiled Israel’s latest incursion into the Gaza strip by placing a ‘Please Use Other Entrance’ sign at the main route into Gaza City, causing the Israeli Defence Force to halt their offensive.

Eyewitnesses reported seeing several tank, mobile artillery and infantry battalions mulling around the sign, pointing confusedly in the direction of Gaza City before turning around and heading back the way they came.

Thwarted, Israeli military chiefs ordered several probing attacks along Gaza’s flank towards Jabaliya, Zeitoun and Rafah, only to find their move checked by a number of signposts bearing the legend ‘Border Crossing Out Of Order’.

Their offensive frustrated, Israeli authorities countered this latest Palestinian strategy by erecting a defensive cordon around the stricken territory. This shield, stretching from Beersheba to Ashkelon, consisted of hundreds of public order notices proclaiming: ‘Keep off the grass. No dog-walking – no ball games – no indiscriminate rocket attacks’.