Bronze VIP Archive for January 17, 1999

Sarah W. - - Actually, the woodchuck thing was a trick question. The fact is that, even if a woodchuck could chuck wood, it still wouldn't chuck wood for religious reasons. That woodchuck question always trips people up.

Angelique - - Seems like we are doomed to eternal "ships passing in the night-hood."

Angle Man - - Saw my bio. Loved it. I think a more apt comparison than the "Ode to Joy"/Beethoven comparison is less apt than a Dr. Naismith/Michael Jordon one (I'm the doctor, you're "Air"). I may have nailed a peach basket to a lamp post long ago, but you made it into an art form.

Blackheart - - I don't know what you did to get so lucky, but F-b-N seems like a prize. Don't screw it up.

LadyJack - - Don't know where you can go to hire imposters. For the most part, I like to stick with pretenders. It's a subtle difference, but one that will save you substantial coinage in the long run. If you decide to go the pretender route, just look in the yellow pages for an outfit called "Pre-temps." Mention my name and you get 10% off your first order. As for the color thing, as Joss is my witness, I shall never go hue-y again.

DarkLady - - A cross between Joss and myself, eh? Well, I don't mean to rain on your parade, but that's not possible. Joss and I have been trying to conceive for years, but thus far the only thing we've gotten for our efforts is great sex.

Shoot! I missed Joss again! I can see now that I am doomed to never meet him!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VT!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, kim! !

Gosh, you two are just growing up so fast. Seems like only yesterday you were a year younger. Just remember: the important thing is not how old you are, but how old you feel (unless you're trying to buy alcohol, in which case the "are" thing supercedes the "feel" thing).

Thanks to everyone who answered my 20 questions. BTW, for those who question if an entire 20 questions ever really existed, I can assure you, they did. Of course, about halfway through, the questions started getting pretty lame (it's obvious by my hypothetical #19 about woodchucks and wood that I was getting desperate), I did compose the full score of queries.

Well, I should go. This is the last day of my in-laws' visit, and I really should show my face. After the first couple of days, the "I'm in the bathroom" excuse starts to worry and frighten them.

Later, etc.
TyP.S. - I really am gone. I promised my son he could go online to play StarCraft/Brood Wars with his friend^

joss says:(Sun Jan 17 10:53:51 1999 205.188.192.23)

guess what? The time has come for leaving. Now that Ty has set the new record for "times you can say you're leaving and then not", i don't feel I can compete. So adios. I know there'll be a lot of questions, so here are some answers. Just apply whichever fits your question best.

The origin comic, though I have issues with it, CAN pretty much be accepted as canonical. They did a cool job of combining the movie script (the SCRIPT) with the series, that was nice, and using the series Merrick and not a certain OTHER thespian who shall remain hated.

HELPLESS was directed -- beautifully -- by James Contner. Anyone can tell you that directors are a sore spot with me -- most of them are lousy. Spend a lot of time cleaning up after them. But we have found a few Go To Guys, and James is one. I'm all over HELPLESS. Our goal was to make an ep that was truly scary. Think we kind of did.
^

joss says:(Sun Jan 17 10:42:09 1999 205.188.192.23)

Beldin -- Thank you for showing me the post from Mazelle. It means a great deal. God knows we all look to fictitious heroes to help us deal with scary sitches. It's wonderful to know that Buffy can do the same.
^

joss says:(Sun Jan 17 10:35:36 1999 205.188.192.23)

Now i'm having this thing where i'm actually intimdated by Ty's posts being so gut funny when I am far too tired to be even remotely clever. But my posts will be FILLED with exciting insider tidbits that only I can provide. Like, um... you know. Nickie. That thing with the bison. and well, we all know about David's hair... Boy. It's just CRAZY over at Buffy. Really. Now you know.
^

>>joss> says:(Sun Jan 17 10:26:27 1999 205.188.192.48)

What am I thinking, he's probably gone - I believe 9:30 in the morning is his bed time. Meanwhilst, hi guys. Not much time to hang, cuz -- shock horror probe -- we're way behind! The show could fold at any moment! Pestilence and death! Er, okay, that's a little negative. Everything's great! The show's gonna run forever without ever becoming repetative. La la la. (Whew! Good save.)
^

joss says:(Sun Jan 17 10:21:31 1999 205.188.192.48)

Did I miss Ty? Ty, you bail yet? I just stopped in and spent the last half hour reading your posts. 'Cause of... the fun! You are postmaster general, Hue Boy. Plus the christmas card was brillcream. Oh, hey, this post is for Ty, you other guys aren't reading it, right? Thanks.
^

Ty King says:(Sun Jan 17 08:30:09 1999 152.163.207.76)

Lauren-Alexis - - I am glad it made you laugh, cry, etc., but if it didn't make you buy the products advertised in the commercials, then I have failed.

(And yes, I am not very good at accepting compliments. I tend to get all blushy and make stupid jokes to mask my discomfort. Which is just my way of saying "Thank you.)

LadyJack - - No, I'm not "THE" Ty King. I am merely one of a handful of individuals who work in eight hour shifts around to clock to create the illusion of an omnipresent Ty King. And as for the color codes, I have them, I merely chose not to use them. For, you see, in the past, when I posted using those codes, the others would often tease me... calling me cruel names like "color Lad" and "Hue Boy." And though I would always try to act like their taunts didn't hurt me, they could easily see through my facade... to see that I was actually crying on the inside. So, it is in an effort to spare myself that hurt that I have decided to stick to the default tan on black. And hopefully, with the passage of time, those old psychic scars will someday heal.

VT - - I have to go. People are counting on me to refill the napkin holders and straw dispensers before the big lunch rush. It is 39 cent cheeseburger Sunday, y'know.

Oh, my gosh, look at the time! I should be in bed. Why didn't anybody say anything?

RyahH - - Hey, I ain't afraid of no goats. It's just that color is for VIP's (and sometimes tricky rabbits). And Joss threatened that if I ever posted in color again, he would track me down and kill me in my sleep. Can you believe it. In my friggin sleep!

Chrisa - - Don't believe what you may have heard about me in here. 90% of the people who post regular are either folks to whom I owe money, or else they have been the victims of my unwanted sexual advance, so they badmouth me. Such a bitter group.

OzLady - - You're right. I must be tired. For some reason, I keep nodding off in the middle of your posts. (Or is it the dingoes trying to gaslight me again?)

Ty's Mommy - - Oh, my God! Mommy? I thought you were dead! This is a miracle. Look at me, I have tears streaming down my face! I can't believe you've really come back! (unless this is just the damned dingoes trying to gaslight me or else one of the countless bitter and vindictive posters playing a cruel hoax)

Okay, really gone this time. (See, the way you can tell when I am really leaving for good is when I write something like "gone" or "goodnight" in the line just above my name.)

Intoit - - LOL... but, of course, maybe that's just what you want me to think!

SlayerLeo - - Don't worry, there is no laugh track on the horizon. Nor will there be any warm and fuzzy moments in the kitchen. In fact, with the exception of a couple of noticeable, embarrassing missteps in the second season, it's all good.

But, before I go, I want to leave you guys with the most valuable tags of all - the color posting codes.

In order to make the letters appear blue, you just type a bracket, then the special code for blue, then another bracket. In order to make the letters appear red, you just type a bracket, then the special code for red, then another bracket. If you want to make the letters show up as yellow, you just type a bracket, then the special code for yellow, then another bracket. I forget how to make your posts green. Sorry. But, the way to make your post orange is you just type a bracket, then the special code for orange, then another bracket.

I only ask that you not abuse this secret. Thanks.

NOTE: if you see any posts after this one from someone claiming to be me, you can be assured that it is not me. That is how certain I am that I am logging off now.

Brad Grenz - - I think what you meant to say was "It's a Tag-dropalooza in here." Of course, I could be wrong.

Intoit - - Hi, back. Ad, to answer your parenthetical question: unless my clock is wrong, it's a little after midnight here on the West Coast. Thanks for reminding me, because I have to keep an eye on the clock since I promised myself that I'd be asleep before 2:00 AM tonight.

Fly-by-Nite - - Your exhortations for me to "GO TO BED" are persuasive and have convinced me to call it a night. I'm not sure if it was the economy of phrasing, or the big ol' letters that did the trick, but this time, it's for keeps.

Good day to you all. And please remember to buy American.

Tysoon to be nestled all snug in my bed, my wool blanket pulled snugly up to my chin, and a smoldering ciggy dangling from my lips...^

Ty King says:(Sun Jan 17 06:35:45 1999 152.163.207.64)

joy - - I wasn't making fun of you, that strike-through thing and the "big letters" thing are two of the tricks I didn't know. Thanks.

Brad Grenz - - So, you think the Vamps will inevitably evolve to reproduce, much like the Jeff Goldblum character in "Jurassic Park" (the original, not the sequel) predicted (correctly) that the dinosaurs would, eh? Interesting thought, but your forget that "Jurassic Park" was only fiction. And, I can't believe you didn't challenge my "'one' is infinite" line.

Well, since I said I was leaving, I guess I really should leave. Because apparently, it's okay to lie about sex under oath, but it's not okay to lie about leaving... unless, of course, you are leaving for sex under oath, which would be a gray area, I guess.

Fly-by-Night - - Well, now that we have met, don't be a stranger... because I'm not allowed to talk to strangers. And please tell Blackheart I said "hi" (but you don't have to mention my dropped tags, okay?)

Okay, well it is becoming increasingly obvious to me that -mere- is just not gonna show, so I guess I'll just pick up my gauntlet and go.

"Happy Martin Luther King Day tomorrow! (and a secular "Happy Three Day Weekend" to all of you who don't observe.

Boy, nothing drains the smug out of my attitude faster than a dropped tag.

curlysue - - Nice to meet you, too. Before tonight, I was actually strongly in favor of allowing for human cloning. However, I can now see that if such experimentation were carried out, it would only open up a can of worms as far as the whole Slayer question. Therefor, I am officially changing my position and am now against further work toward human cloning. Unless, of course, the Slayer bugs could be worked out, in which case I would flip flop back to the pro-cloning camp.

Rosanne - - You know, I have never in my life been accused of having too many thoughts. I have, however, been accused of having too many underlined words - an accusation which I emphatically deny, by the way.

Brad Grenz - - I was on my way out, but I felt that I simply had to respond to your last post, if I hoped to avoid actually leaving. You say that there are "hordes" (sic) of Vampires and "only one" (sic) Slayer. But, by definition, "hordes" (sic) is still a finite number while "one" (sic) is infinite. And if you were as tired and incoherent as I am, you would see that.

Now, I really have to go. There's work to be done.

gone in a pseudo-Ty way,

TyI know that I misused "(sic)" above, but I was hoping that, visually, it would appear to give weight to my argument^

Ty King says:(Sun Jan 17 05:44:13 1999 152.163.207.64)

joy - - Interesting choice of phrase to say there is an "endless supply" of Slayers. If this is true, and Slayers really are so disposable, wouldn't this perpetual bait and switch thing eventually dispirit the Vampire Brigade to the point of capitulation? Or are they destined to be like Charlie Brown to the Watchers' Lucy with the football, forever falling for the same trick, ignorant of the fact that they are trapped in some Sisyphean parade of Slayers lined up on a cosmic Mobius strip? Ow... headache.

Dolly - - I'm jazzed about your idea for using genetic engineering to create an army of red herrings - a kind of Slayer three card monty to keep them guessing. If the Slayer were to just hide out, it would leave a veritable hall of mirrors where every image is a reflection. Not to mention what a good deal it would be for the Slayer if she ever needed a kidney or liver for a transplant, or just wanted to play a joke on her teachers. And what a hoot to see the look on a Vamp's face when he brags to his Vamp buds that he just killed the Slayer, only to have them point behind him and say, "Oh, yeah... then who is that?" I like this idea.

I really should go now. But, let me leave you all with a word of advice in parting: if you step on a crack and it doesn't break your mother's back, that doesn't mean that the legend is invalid. It could be that you just lucked out that time. Just maybe the next time you step on a crack, the outcome will be different. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't push your luck.

As my uncle used to say, "Always leave 'em baffled."

Good night.

And goodnight, Seattle. Wherever you are.

Tyoff to party with Winken, Blinken and Nod in the land of hushabye. And man, are we gonna get 'faced.^

Ty King says:(Sun Jan 17 05:04:23 1999 152.163.207.84)

Okay, I know the "four post" thing expires at midnight, but when does it rise again?

Medical ethics question of the day: "If the technology existed to clone a Slayer, would the clone be a Slayer as well? And, if not, wouldn't the clone's life be hell with always having to try to convince attacking Vampires that they have the wrong guy?"

And, if the current Slayer were killed, and the next Slayer were to die at almost the same instant, would the Speaker of the House then become the Slayer?

Also, in the battle between Slayers and Vampires, isn't the whole "when one dies, another is chosen" thing really kind of unsportsmanlike? I know if I were a Vampire, I would cry "foul."

In addition, if a Vamp were impaled by a stake that had, say, four coats of a Polyurethane varnish so that no actual woodgrain came in contact with his heart, would that do the trick, or would he be the luckiest Vampire who ever lived?

And while we're on the subject, if a Martian vampire with two hearts (hey, it could happen)caught a wooden stake through only one of his hearts, would the Slayer get credit for a kill on her scorecard, or would she have to stake the other heart to pick up the spare?

These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Oh, and I would miss the Dodgers.

But, that's it.

And, as for L.A. - I don't hate it, I just think I'd like it a little better under a couple hundred feet of salt water.

Sonja Marie - - Oh, and I forgot that I would feel bad for the people in East Asia would would be hit by the giant tsunami that would be generated by the slide of L.A. into the Ocean. I'd also feel sorry for any kids who were just about to finish up school geography projects that consisted of complex topographical maps of the U.S. made out of clay, because they would have to start all over. And I'd feel bad for Kevin Costner, because he would die under the tragic circumstances of having "The Postman" be his last movie.

But that's it.

Malista - - As for the older Slayer question, I think the image of a fifty year old woman named "Buffy" would just be too much to handle. And they would have to rewrite the little speech to be "In every generation, only one is chosen... except for Buffy, who continues to bogart the crown."

joy - - Leakage bothered me a lot when I was a "Buffy" writer. Oddly, it bothers me even more now as a viewer. Now, when Oz and Cordelia kiss next week, I won't be surprised.

Malista - - Even if it were true that you are only as old as you feel, I would still be too old to be a Slayer. I'd be the pathetic old "Chosen One" sitting on my front porch shouting, "Hey, hey... you Vampires get off my lawn!"

Sonja Marie - - I don't mean to rag on L.A. so much. It's just that Los Angeles let me down, broke my heart and ate the last piece of cheesecake I was saving in the refrigerator. My feeling is that if a massive earthquake hit L.A. tomorrow, and the entire city slid into the Pacific Ocean, I wouldn't lose a minute's sleep...

I would be a little bummed about the loss of the Indian restaurants, though (which is the same reason I still miss the lost continent of Atlantis, BTW)...

Oh, and I'd feel bad about the sea creatures that would be harmed by the resultant oil slick...

But, that's it.

Oh, yeah, and Uncle Hoggly Woggly's barbecue just east of the I-5 on Sepulveda Boulevard (almost forgot about that)...

Mike-ff - - There is no such thing as a "pointless" study of Arabic grammar. Any time you spend in this pursuit will come back to you tenfold in the form of blessings. (Just remember that "mu'lak" is the same in the singular declarative case as it is in the accusative plural, and you will be alright.)

Malista - - Don't fight the meds, just go with it. If you feel like you're getting light-headed, just sit down and put your head between your knees. That's what I do. In fact, I'm doing it right now.

Sonja Marie - - I am only saying that Los Angeles will suck the life out of you, steal your soul, crush your dreams and leave just the shell of whatever contented being you used to be. On the plus side, it does have some good Indian restaurants, though.

joy - - Hey, my mother-in-law (who is, even as we speak, visiting me) is named Joy. Any relation?

-mere- - - You are such the coward, not showing your face in here at this moment. The tables have turned; I no longer fear your presence. The hunter has become the hunted. What other excuse could there be for your continued silence? Tremble before me!

Brad Grenz and Alex - - Okay, maybe it is unfair to question others' answers the Hypothetical #1 just because I'm a coward. I just know that if I answered the call myself, it would be "Ty the Vampire Supper." I would, however, sign up for Giles' job in a heartbeat. But that's only because I like to Watch.

Kazza - - Aww, so sweet with your answer to #13. You do realize, however, that if I were writing it, there'd be a whole lotta Hanson each week. And as for hanging around Joss too much, that's all changed since he got the court order.

Sonja Marie - - You have it backwards; you move from there to here. Trust me, you'll be back. But don't be surprised if, on your return, you find that we've changed the locks.

-mere- - - If you were here, I know what I'd say to you. Suffice it to say, there'd be more than a few consonants involved!

BTW, kudos to Ms. Alucard for being the first to answer question #1 honestly. I agree, but mostly because I look sad in Go-Go boots and a micro-mini skirt (although I can carry off the visible bra strap thing). Looks like it'll be just you and me at the Honest Cowards' Ball. (Look for me. I'll be the one with the visible bra straps.)

Brad Grenz - - I take offense at your characterization of my questions. Each and every one is fully-assed, thank you very much. Your answers, on the other hand... (dingoes ate my devastatingly witty retort)

Kazza - - Good answers, except I lean more toward Sporty as the Slayer for obvious reasons, with Scary being an almost "separated at birth" with Kendra, and Posh being a terrific Cordelia. I can see th Child Counselor - oftentimes those who survive incredible youthful horrors choose to go into a field where they can help others in similar circumstances.

Alex - - Cop-out on the choosing Buffy and Faith. Just for that, your loved ones are dead.

Brad Grenz - - Yes, there were 20in all, but I'll be darned if I'll type them all out again. I'll just give you the best of the rest...

#11 Who is next obvious character in line for a spin-off? (I'm sure this has already been asked at least once)

#13 CHOOSE: One more season of "Buffy" or three seasons of "Angel"? This is an either/or question. (That means you can't choose "I'll take both", Alex!)

Oh, and I forgot to say that your answer must be in the form of a question.

I know that most of these questions have probably already been posited, but I plead absence...

#1 A hypothetical: A Watcher shows up at your front door tomorrow with the news that you are the next "chosen guy", but that if you choose to turn down the Slayer gig, the equally qualified first runner up will assume your duties with no hard feelings. Knowing what havoc Slayerhood can do to your life expectancy, your family and friends' life expectancy, and your odds of ever having a relationship of the non-doomed variety, would you accept or decline the invitation?
A) ACCEPT
B) DECLINE
C) ACCEPT IF THE WATCHER WERE GILES, DECLINE IF HE WERE MERRICKNOTE: Honesty counts more than political correctness here

#2 If Buffy were to somehow rid the earth of all the nasties and slam the door shut on future Hellmouth type eruptions, thereby consigning the job of Slayer to the scrapheap, what would she chose for a career (that is, want to be when she grew up?)

#3 Another hypothetical: You know that a band of ten vampires is headed toward your house intent on doing harm to you and your loved ones tonight. Would you rather have your line of defense consist of Buffy alone (i.e. no Scooby Gangsters) or the two person team of Faith and Kendra?

#4 What other WB show would you most like to see a demon spitting Hellmouth erupt beneath?

#5 Which Spice Girl would make the best Slayer? The worst?

#6 If Ms. Calendar had not betrayed Buffy and Angel (or been killed by that b*st*rd, Angel), and Giles had decided to go for happiness in his life and marry Ms. Calendar, but the marriage were contingent upon Rupert's retiring from Watcherhood, would Buffy give the union her blessing if Giles asked for it?

#7 Upon her death, would Buffy wish a call as the next Slayer on Willow, or want the honor/curse of the job to pass to someone far away?