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My W received an email from OM today.
He was asking what my D schedule is for sporting events?
So he could avoid any awkward moments because we all would be there.
My W sent her schedule, with no words attached.
Then she sent me the email, showing what she did, not hiding anything.

I told her before, and she agreed absolutely NC, other than work related emails. Which are over now, they don't have to talk at work anymore.

I'm so angry she did not ask me first, am I getting mad over nothing?
I don't give a shit if he feels awkward, I told her.

I'm just pissed off. Am I justified?
Any responses would be appreciated.
Thanks

Me-38
Her-41
Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Mar 2013

beforeandafter♂ 37618Member # 37618

Posted: 11:38 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

You had an expectation that there was to be zero communication outside of work. You made that expectation very clear to her. I don't think it would be something to D over, but at the same time I would question why she thought she needed to do without including you. Seems like she is taking NC very lightly, at best.

Married 6-10-11
DDay 11-17-2012
DDay #2 6-5-13
Divorced 9-23-13

Posts: 123 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest

confused615♀ 30826Member # 30826

Posted: 11:41 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

It looks like her need to contact OM,no matter the reason,is more important than honoring NC and what you need from her.

Big Deal.

Also..why isn't OM blocked from her email account? And,did she also send you his email to her..or just the one she sent to him?

If for some reason it's not possible to block him,then from this point on,I would tell her she is to forward any more emails from OM directly to you..unopened.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 9605 | Registered: Jan 2011

heartache101♀ 26465Member # 26465

Posted: 11:52 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

Maybe she didn't want you to have too deal with seeing the OM?? That I could understand.
But let her know she should never respond to this man anymore. Let you handle that from now on. JMO..
Right now you are on the edge as the BS. Rightfully so but don't read too much into her response. She may have done it thinking again that if you don't have to see him then your pain might be less.
Good luck.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3222 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana

Jrazz♀ 31349Member # 31349

Posted: 11:57 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

I completely agree with beforeandafter. Breach of agreement for sure - probably nothing to D over.

FWH used to make odd judgement calls like this all the time following DDay. Hopefully this is just a common case of having crappy boundaries and realizing that they need to follow the rules to the letter in order to behave in a trustworthy manner. A lot of WS's (Fresh after DDay) are remorseful but still not accustomed to following rules as they are geared to create alternate realities in their heads to justify doing whatever they want. Accountability and right-and-wrong almost have to be learned from scratch.

If you can have a calm, but firm "I get where you were coming from and that you THOUGHT you did the right thing, but you blew it" conversation, you can set up clear, no-room-for-interpretation boundaries and hopefully avoid this confusion in the future.

It ain't easy.

(((Changed72)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:59 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

"It is impossible to get a man to understand something if his livelihood depends on him not understanding." - Upton Sinclair

Posts: 23912 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California

Changed72♂ 38723Member # 38723

Posted: 12:29 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

I'm not going to D over this, but I told her no emails other than work related. This was not work related. She said she sent it for us, so we don't run into each other. But really I don't care if I do, because what more damage can possibly be done to me.

I feel like calling him, and telling him not ever contact her again, which I already did.
I'm just so pissed...

We were going good, now this.

Again, I don't care if I run into him. I don't give a shit about him.
But now he's on my mind.

Try not to be too pissed at her about this. You need to *whiteboard* this out for her because she was right/wrong at the same time. *Right* to be open and transparent with you, but *Wrong* about EVERYTHING else.

She needs to stop thinking *for* you because, quite frankly, right now her judgment sucks. I'll assume that you've told her that you don't give a shit if you run into this guy....so this whole *schedule* thing was out-of-line. It was a maintenance of contact under the guise of being good for YOU....and it needs to NOT happen again.

Any type of contact from OM that isn't work-related needs to be run by you BEFORE any response is sent....if one is sent at all.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8628 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest

Changed72♂ 38723Member # 38723

Posted: 1:49 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

Thanks for the comments.
It just amazing to me how I can get this way.
I never let much bother me, maybe to a fault sometimes.
We talked it over, I'm chalking it up to learning.
There is no doubt she knows exactly where I stand on this issue now.

Time to move on, from this.

I called my T, she said basically the same stuff everybody said here. She's the only one I can physically talk to about my situation.

You folks are very helpful here, but I'm a slow typist. And a bad speller.

Thanks again.

Me-38
Her-41
Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Mar 2013

ineedtoleave♀ 29332Member # 29332

Posted: 2:15 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

IMO, she should have forwarded it to you. Then you could have handled it together.

BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 971 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona

just friends?♂ 35057Member # 35057

Posted: 3:51 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

The prick wasn't being considerate. He wanted an opportunity to see your wife again...accidentally on purpose. If this guy cared about how you felt he wouldn't have been with your wife anyway. Nor would he have tried to get her schedule. Besides that, your wife needs to be more sensitive to your needs also. You're probably monitoring her internet activities. How do you know that was all that was sent. What she sent him and forwarded to you could be a red herring! Waywards cannot be trusted! EVER!!! She's still foggy, I think. I don't know your whole story but if OM has a wife forward the email to her. Make sure she knows OM is still in contact with your wife. Good luck!

Posts: 23 | Registered: Mar 2012

NoraLee♀ 37922Member # 37922

Posted: 4:05 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

I agree - I'd be furious - its good that she told you - but ANY communication from her end MUST go through you first.

My Opinion:
OM is an asshole, and he's seeking any reason to contact/talk to your WIFE.

Your wife should/must understand: NO CONTACT means exactly that - NO CONTACT WHAT-SO-EVER!!!It doesn't mean that she answers NON-WORK-RELATED EMAILS to the OM...just because she decides it might make things easier for you!
NO CONTACT!

Your wife and OM cannot continue to have communications - This must stop!

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6214 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas

Happydays♂ 38681Member # 38681

Posted: 8:24 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

Let it go this time with a stren warning that even this type of communication with OM is not acceptable.
Else next you know he'll be asking for Walmart schedules to avoid bumping into her there for crying out loud.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013

toomanyregrets♂ 37740Member # 37740

Posted: 9:33 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

Exactly what part of NC does your W not understand?
NC, IMO, means NC. PERIOD !

BH - 65
fWW - 61

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele

Posts: 584 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY

toomanyregrets♂ 37740Member # 37740

Posted: 11:14 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013

I'm assuming that she agreed to NC.
What part of NC does she not understand?

You have every right to be mad.

BH - 65
fWW - 61

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele

Posts: 584 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY

1Faith♀ 38975Member # 38975

Posted: 12:28 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013

Yes, you have every right to be upset.

NC is NC is NO CONTACT

The OM can find any excuse to contact your WW. Schedule this time are you going to be ____ the next time.

It is a desire to initiate contact to see what the reply will be.

The OW contacted my WH bc her husband was acting "weird" and didn't know if I had contacted him or not. WTF?

BS...she was trying to see if she could manipulate her way back into my WH life.

Next contact - you respond - your wife is not to have ANY CONTACT regarless of "subject matter"

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:29 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1568 | Registered: Apr 2013

Happydays♂ 38681Member # 38681

Posted: 12:37 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013

Big deal it is.
The prudent way was, she should have shown you the email before opening it. You should have sat down and read it together. Then decided if a response was necessary.
She just informed you of the bidirectional communication. That's not NC.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013

Josephine01♀ 38511Member # 38511

Posted: 12:46 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013

I agree with HappyDays. I'm sorry. But, make sure she knows what you expect for next time

Me, 45 BS
H, 66 WH
2 boys 20 and 16 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 318 | Registered: Feb 2013

Jospehine85♀ 35971Member # 35971

Posted: 12:49 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013

At first I thought maybe OM's BW asked him to get that information as she would not want OM running into your WW.

Then my coffee kicked in, the gears in my brain started moving and I thought, "Oh holy shit!!!! His BW would slit her wrists before giving him the greenlight to email your WW"

Tell his BW now about OM's fishing expedition.

Make sure your WW understands this was done with bad ulterior motives, not out of the goodness of OM's heart.

Point blank tell her that any communication from OM must be shown to you and she is not to respond unless it is something the two of you have agreed to and do together as a team.