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Happily married mommy of 1 with no plans for any additions. Loving every crazy, scary, fun, hilarious, frustrating, amazing minute of parenthood and life in general. I live in Portland, OR and have a great job that I would very much like to keep.

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Santa

Holidays are like fruitcake. Know why? Because they are chock full of the unexpected and FATTENING as hell!

We’re enjoying the holidays this year and we’re not travelling. That in itself is a load off. Not that we don’t enjoy spending the holidays with the family but we travel a lot for work so not travelling when we have some time off is a nice, and rare, break. Plus, it has allowed us to experiment with some new traditions for our family. We’ve established a few that I think we last (each of us getting 1 new ornament with our name) and have thrown a few out that were a bit too difficult for Pineapple to grasp (watching a 2 year-old pitch a major because she’s not allowed to hold that damned elf on the shelf is painful). We’ve also had some ADORABLE moments care of my sweet, sweet Pineapple…such as:

She tries to sing Christmas carols but mostly ends up singing “happy birthday” instead. So it goes something like “ho ho ho…happy day!”

She received a fabric nativity set from her Nana. The camel and sheep escaped and the baby Jesus is currently covered in peanut butter and jelly and “sleeping” in the remote control bin on the coffee table. SHHHHHHH – for. the. love. – HE IS SLEEEEEEEPING!

Pineapple was an angel in the Christmas pageant at church this past Sunday. She was the only angel that openly wept and slapped at her wings because they were hitting her in the noodle. Her halo fell off, repeatedly, and she turned beet red holding her wee arms up for me. I rescued her, naturally, but we didn’t get any good pictures as a result…dang it. We’re thinking next year a more suitable role might be sheep or camel – any barnyard animal would suffice.

Speaking of crying. Pineapple went to see Mr. Clause. She marched right up to him, waved and said “Hello Tanta” with a big grin on her wee cheeks. So, I picked her up, set her on his lap, and said “OK now we’re going to take a picture with Santa!” Too which she responded “NOOOOOOO! and screamed at the top of her lungs.” You can tell she’s more “mad” than “sad” because her eyebrows are red. Another year of screaming Santa…oh how I love it!

I have a set of salt and pepper shakers in the shape of a gingerbread boy and girl that I put out at Christmas. These have been a constant point of interest for Pineapple and she loves to hold them and kiss them and make them kiss each other. The other evening, she took the gingerboy and a piece of tissue paper over to the counter and proceded to cover the boy in the paper, chanting “wrap, wrap, wrap” the whole time. Then she climbed down, took the wrapped gingerboy over to the tree, set it on the floor and said “for mama!” Yes, I know. It’s friggin’ adorable. I think SHE’s the gift, personally.

Every time we pull up to the house when the lights are on she says “ooooooh pretty” from her carseat in the back. It’s too cute. She also says this about the tree whenever she comes out of her room to find it lit….which is pretty much constantly. Like I said, too cute.

In the midst of all this cuteness, we’ve had some struggles, too:

Pineapple is receiving a rocking horse – the kind with springs – from her Grandma W. I had the pleasure of putting that pony together. Along with a bottle of wine, 2 different screwdrivers and the heel of my boot, we got ‘er done.

I didn’t print enough pictures of Pineapple with Santa. So if you didn’t get a card with a picture, yes, I know I suck. Deal with it…XOXO.

I made the mistake of reading one of those articles that tells you the fat/calorie content of all the things you love to eat at the holidays. Then I weighed myself. I’m asking Santa for liposuction this year. That fat man had better come through or else.

Pineapple’s daycare is closed for the full week between Christmas and New Year. WHAT am I going to do with a 2 year-old for 9 solid days?! In the PacNW?! In the RAIN?! And COLD?! *sigh* I wish daycare would just let me come use their space for the 9 days…

Nordstrom’s is the devil. I can’t stay out of the shoe section. Want, want, want. But need to give, give, give. *sigh*

You know what? I’m just thankful that my family is healthy, safe and home – unlike so many families this year. So, rather than lament my lack of AMAZING military boots and my ginormous fat butt, I’d like to wish everyone a very, very, VERY Merry Christmas…Pineapple style:

Let’s be honest…Santa has more people sit on his lap at this time of year than a public toilet. And at least when you use a toilet, you can cover the seat with one of those nifty little paper seat liners. I don’t see elves handing those out while you spend half an hour in line waiting to meet the big guy.

Don’t get me wrong – Santa rocks. And little Pineapple has had her visit…see:

But honestly, don’t you think the whole thing can be a little odd?And Santa is often times not all that you would hope. Take for example Santa as portrayed in some of those classic claymation shows.

In Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer, Santa’s kind of an ass. He’s so mean to Rudolph when he’s born – we won’t even talk about old Rudy’s dad because that guy is the definition of jackass. (And apologies for the tangent but honestly, has there ever been a more awful creature than stinkin’ Comet?! He actually INSTRUCTS the other reindeer not to let Rudolph play in their games! Ass. Sorry.) Anyway, Santa ‘expects more’ of Rudolph and isn’t shy about his disgust with Rudolph’s glowing nose. That is, until he NEEDS him. Then he’s got a BE-AUTIFUL nose. Yeah, right Mr. Grumpy Kringle. And those elves are downright discriminatory toward Hermie the elf who just wants to be a dentist! It’s shameful.

And I hate to be the one to point this out, but some of the scenes in Santa Claus is Coming To Town are downright disturbing. There is a scene where a young Kris Kringle is giving out toys in the mean old Burgermeister’s village – Sombertown…and…well….that song…um…is it just me or is “If you sit on my lap today – a kiss a toy is the price you pay” a bit – ahem – wrong? I know they meant it innocently but they MUST KISS HIM to get a toy. And I don’t see him forcing the Burgermeister to kiss him when he gives him that yo-yo. If a stranger insisted that Pineapple sit on his lap and kiss him to get a toy, I think I’d be telling her to head for the hills! And if that’s not bad enough, when he does distribute the toys, one of the kids receives an AK-47…or the gun equivalent from the 70’s. Pretty sure that’s not the best thing for a wee one to be playing with. Of course, that’s just opinion.

I know I’m coming down hard on the claymation Santa’s – but I challenge you to watch those shows with your grown-up eyes and not see some things that maybe slipped past when you were a kiddo. I’ll still watch them – because aside from Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas (which is AWESOME), those claymation specials mean that the holidays are here in my book.

But I do think that when you visit Santa, it would be nice if the elves passed you a little sheet so you could ‘doubl cover hover’ when you make your requests of the man in red. Particularly if Santa looks more like this guy: