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Embarrassing Tantrums

I am at my wits end with my 8yr old DD. Her tantrums are totally horrendous and everything causes them. The final straw was last night when we decided to go out for a drive and get a chippy tea. DD thought we were going to a place quite far way (which we weren't) annd she totally kicked off, screaming and shouting and banging her feet on the stairs. I took a hold of her hand and pulled her down 1 stair and told her to get her shoes on, admittedly I shouted but the situation I was in was so stressing and my other DD who is only 18mths was getting scared by all the noise. Anyway I stood in the garden waiting on her and she was still kicking off when my next door neighbour came flying out and started shouting at me saying " what the bloody hells going on in there" I replied with "my little ones haing a tantrum" she then hit back with "A TANTRUM"? "I am sick of this, it's every morning I hear it" then she muttered a few swear words before going back in. I was ready to tell her where to go but I bit my tongue as we only moved here in August, now I am so depressed about it and feel like a terrible mum. I have 2 kids to get ready and out the door every morning so obviously there is noise in my house but I didn't think we were that bad.

Can anyone please tell me how to deal with this? I am in tears whilst writing this and really don't know what to do anymore x

Hello, i am so sorry that i have no advice for you but ijust wanted to say hi and i hope you get some answers soon. Of course you are going to make noise with 2 LO to get out o the door, Also your neighbour screaming and shouting and swearing is not going to help matters. I do hope you get some helpful advice soon xx

Aww thank you very much for your kind words. I hope I get some advice too because I really don't know what to do anymore, however I had a chat with DD today and so far so good she has not had a tantrum today but for how long??? xx

So did you make the whole day without a tantrum hun???
Just thinking would some kind of reward chart work with you DD, I know she is 8 but it works on super nanny with older children, maybe something a bit more then a star chart, maybe she could have 3 sections per day 1) getting out the door for school etc with no tantrum, 2) after school say til after dinner 3) geting ready for bed and into bed with no fuss. I have no clue as if this was to work but just suddenly thought about it, good luck x

Evening. First of all, big hugs to you - no-one tells you that it gets harder as they get older do they?! Just in different ways.

Neither of mine have reached 8 yet but I do have a 5 year old who is currently going through a whiny stage and driving me crazy so I can empathise a bit.

Re. your neighbour - of course you/your family are going to make noise in the morning so I think your neighbour needs to wind her neck in. I'd also be miffed at someone swearing in front of my children so she sounds pretty out of order to me.

Re. your daughter's tantrums - I don't know really. Is she tired out? Doing lots of extra curricular stuff? Only thinking that my DD1 turns into a horror if she's had a really busy time and is tired. Is school ok? Friends/school work etc? Maybe have a word with her teacher to check everything is ok, and ask what she's like at school? And is she ok with stuff at home? I know how hard it is to juggle the needs of 2 kids and sometimes (well, at least in my house) my DD1 has to take a back seat when I'm dealing with DD2's toddler behaviour.

As for managing it - again I don't know. Probably a good chat - maybe go out the two of you for lunch or cake and have proper alone time to talk it through? A friend of mine uses jars of balls - they get moved between the two based on good/not so good behaviour and if all the balls end up in the good behaviour jar her daughter gets a treat. That would be a 'carrot' method I supose. And a 'stick' method would be to remove something she loves e.g. TV for an afternoon or going to a friend's for tea etc.

And finally, you are not a bad Mum. We all shout - there are days when I go to bed promising myself I'll do better tomorrow - its hard when you're busy and tired and juggling a million things.

I hope its just a 'phase' of your DD1 pushing her boundaries which I suspect might be pretty common for a little girl of 8 and that things calm down soon. Let us know how you get on.

x

My family is complete...I am grateful every day

DD1, natural miracle, 2005
DD2, IVF miracle, 2008

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "Pootle" (Feb 7th 2011, 8:25pm)

hi, have you heard of 'the incredible years' book? my old HV offered this in the form of a course to get mums helping each other /advice etc. they gave us this book which made sense of a lot of things like tantrums etc
ask the HV for a copy or a library, it really helped a lot of the mums in similar situations and the book reflects all ages. hope this may be of some help?
my fave is the ignore principle with rewarding good behaviour (the ignore principle works well on DH too!)

Well the tantrums did die down a little but not very much. I think DD realised that she caused a lot of upset with the neighbour etc, however she hasn't really changed much. I was going to apologise to my neighbour but now when I think about it,I'm not because little kids will make a noise and she will have to deal with it.

Poppit - I've not heard of that book but I am going to have a look in my Library for it, thanks for that :-)

Pootle & Flic - Thanks for all your advice. DD does do some activities but if I feel she is too tored I tell her she shouldn't go but she freaks at me. Everything seems fine with School etc although she does act a little weird with others. I've notcied she doesn't like being in groups of more than 2 people, she will deal with it but prefers 1 on 1. She is very chicken hearted when it comes to friends and even the simplist remark upsets her.

Sa-Leanne - I have tried the reward chart but DD thinks she should get a reward for everything ie: brushing her teeth without a tantrum. I don't think she should get a reward for things like that as she will be 9 on Fri 4th March so I think she is old enough to know better. I may try the chart again though and maybe get 1 that I can write on and add things like tidying room etc. Also I did get a few days without a tantrum because I think she got a fright with the neighbour thing. Now she's kinda back to the way she was although not as bad.

I don't know what it is with her, we give her everything. I took her to the cinema yesterday to have a bit mum daughter time and she was fine but as soon as we got home she started again. We've got her tickets to see Justin Bieber in Newcastle on 12th March, this is a surprise for her birthday but I don't think she deserves them and I can bet money on it she will have a tantrum when we're down there.

Thanks so much for all your advice and kind words. It really helps to know I'm not the only one feeling like this xxx

i must admit i think its a attention problem. even though shes getting what she wants, by throwing a tanty shes getting more attention - any is better than none. unfortunatley shes figured this out by the reaction shes getting. perhaps shes feeling a tad insecure with the new addition? i defo think that book may help perhaps if shes realising the upset with the neighbour - make her apologise to the neighbour, it may make her realise what she s doing?
hope you dont mind me being honest x

So sorry to hear you are still having problems with her, sorry i cannot offer advice as i am a way off that age yet, i really hope someone can help you soon, you sound at your wits end, sending hugs xx

Hi Debs (I think we may have spoken before many years ago - my username used to be jen2 8 8)

anyways I too have a fiesty 7 (nearly 8 year old). She is super sensitive and blows up like a bottle of pop at the slightest thing. I have just discovered something that is really working for us!

When she does something naughty instead of sending her to her room / timeout / punishment straight away ( I used to give her a warning followed by sometimes an empty threat e.g we wont be going to trampolining today even though we were meeting friends and had bought tickets already) I just say to her really calmly "Stop doing (xyz) or there will be a consequence". If she carries on I can either calmly decide on a consequence there and then or I tell her I'll let her know what it will be later. This part seems to work amazingly - I think she is that frightened of what that consequence will be e.g early night, lose her favourite book etc) she is stopping quite quickly. As far as tantrums and rudeness is concerned I now say to her "I am ignoring you now until you have calmed down and I am ready to listen". I completely blank her and carry on conversation with whoever else and lt her know when im listening. If she decides to do something naughty while Im ignoring I move back to the "stop doing xyz or there will be a consequence" I feel like a robot saying the same thing over again but it is really working and she is so much calmer!

I really wouldnt worry about what your neighbour thinks x

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "2lovelygirls" (Mar 6th 2017, 11:36pm)