15 Proven Ways to Keep People from Sitting Next to You on the Bus

By Jacy Catlin

October 1, 2014

Public transportation. It’s cheaper than driving your own car, better for the environment, and in a lot of cases faster. But its downfall comes from the unfortunate reality of having to put yourself in close contact with other human beings. As a professional avoider of all human contact, I have dedicated my life to developing these safe and effective techniques for making your next trip on public transportation as close to human-free as possible.

Politely explain to anyone attempting to sit next to you that you may need the seat next to you to give birth to a baby on.

Completely cover both of your eyes with Band-Aids.

Hold scissors and ask any approaching passengers if they would like to “trade hair.”

Politely inform anyone trying to sit in the seat next to you that you were just about to scatter your mother’s ashes onto the floor under that seat.

Be on fire just a tiny bit. Even the smallest amount of being on fire will turn away the biggest, toughest bus passenger.

When someone sits next to you, turn toward them, make eye contact, open your mouth wide as if you are about to speak, then just keep looking at them like that until they move on to find another seat.