Why Stop At Schools? We Need Guns Everywhere, All the Time!

As NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre pointed out this morning, we care about our money, so we protect it with guns. He proposed applying the same logic to our children, and protecting them with armed guards at every school.

But what about everything else we care about?

I care about food, so let’s get armed guards in every restaurant across the nation. They could stand right next to the hostess stations, to help people feel welcome and at ease.

Those museum guards who tell you not to touch things and give you dirty looks if you run or yell? I bet people would listen to them more if they had big guns.

People are attacked in parks all the time, and sure, police patrol them, but that’s not enough. I want a scary looking dude with aviators and a machine gun under every tree in every park across the country. And especially in the playgrounds — you know, to protect the children.

And surely, a “good guy with a gun” could have prevented the recent, tragic, and highly publicized death of Ki Suk Han, who was struck by a subway train. He could have shot the mentally disturbed homeless man before he pushed Han. That would have set a great precedent.

People rob stores, so instead of just one burly security guard at the exit, we should get armed guards to stand all over clothing stores. Definitely set them up in the dressing rooms, to make sure people leave with the same clothes they came in with.

And clearly we have a problem with security at movie theaters. But if they just gave you a little handgun at the bottom of every bucket of popcorn, everyone could watch movies in peace. Of course, you’d need a trained armed guard there to make sure nobody got any ideas about their popcorn guns. He could stand right in the center of the screen, to remind everyone how safe they are.

That should cover the main bases, but if we’re really worried about the safety of our children, this will be just the beginning.