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Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has cancelled Syria’s membership on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and all other social media networking sites.

“We’re dead, baby. Our funeral will be bigger than Princess Diana’s. We’ve booked Elton John and George Michael, who will be duetting ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me’,” the Syrian strongman tweeted before deleting his country’s official Twitter account.

In his final Facebook post, Assad wrote, “I lost Syria, but gained so much more. Fake friends are like shadows. They follow you in the sun but leave you in the dark. Got that from a fortune cookie at the Genghis Cohen Chinese restaurant down the street, before we had to gas the dump due to its atrocious health code violations. I just wanna pass a shout-out to ma homies. Putin, you’re my boo! Rouhani, I got your back! Oh, crap. Gotta make tracks: ISIS just barged through the front door. Those animals never knock. Thanks for the memories. Bashar…out!”

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi sought to dampen fears that Assad’s ouster will lead to the violent disintegration of Syria:

“Assad’s such a drama queen. Syria isn’t going anywhere. We have big plans for this corner of our empire. How does World Cup 2026 sound? Of course, instead of regulation footballs, the best players in the world will have the unique opportunity to kick the severed heads of sorcerers, Yazidis, Christians, American journalists and tax attorneys.”