Welcome, hungry masses, to store number 2421, Latham home of Panda Express. If that doesn't sound warm and fuzzy, the peeking panda faces and oversized bamboo shoots outside lend a sort of cuteness to a building that's otherwise as white and boxy as any Chinese takeout container. But this is Troy-Schenectady Road, bastion of fast food and cheap eats. You can zip through the drive-through, eat in or dine on the patio to the dulcet sounds of traffic. Now, that's food your way.

First, let's adjust expectations for our region's first Panda Express. If you eat Chinese at a mall food court — the ones where they practically stab you with samples on cocktail sticks — you don't expect authentic, regional fare. Don't expect it here either. Panda Express, in all its global incarnations from California to Guam and Dubai, has branded its food "American Chinese," which it is, and "gourmet," which it definitely is not. They are so pumped up over the original orange chicken, a staple since 1987, that it has its own website: orangechickenlove.com. If accessorizing your computer, mobile phone or body with orange chicken swag sounds appealing, then this site's for you.

Panda Express goes with a McDonald's approach: Line cooks bash and sizzle pans in the open commercial kitchen. Bored servers come perilously close to rolling their eyes at the ineptitude of those on the other side of the counter. Step forward and they instantly ask, "Can I help you?" while you rapidly scan the combos and absorb the overwhelming calorie information overhead.

A bowl – one entrée, one side (starts at $5.80) – ranges rather broadly from 190 to 990 calories. Add another entrée (starting at $6.80) and that plate gets closer to 1,500. At around 2,000 calories, the helpfully named "bigger plate" with three entrees and a side (starting at $8.30) dispenses with the need for any further meals that day. Proposed for 4 to 5 people, the 1,280-to-7,000-calorie, "family feast" (starting at $30) is conceivably diet food or body builder fuel.

Price ratings for inexpensive eateries based on average of entrée costs:

$: $9.95 and less

$$: $9.95-$15.95

$$$: $15.95 and higher

You'd best arrive knowing your order like a rapid-fire mantra or be prepared to battle a server. Ours did not like my efforts to organize our orders one person at a time. She was ready, pre-portioned plates in hand, and insisted on slopping the sides on first and haphazardly assigning entrées the second anyone dared breathe a name. When I called time out to take stock of our selections, I thought she might jump the counter, so we hurried along. The recipient of the chow mein side was saddled with shrimp; the person wanting shrimp had temporary custody of the pot stickers.

Cashing out is a game of "Name That Food." I was impressed when the cashier took a stab at deciphering the sticky combos, dismissing any attempt on my part to itemize the glazed lumps on each plate. The receipt tells a different story. We were overcharged for an additional entrée, and that famous orange chicken appeared three times when we only ordered it once. The dedicated orangechickenlove.com website reports 50 percent of Panda Express guests order it. I do hope they are not using ticket sales to support their data.

Glistening fast food is testament to human willingness to eat even when identity is not completely clear. Jamie Oliver's chicken-nugget experiment with schoolchildren proved that point. Panda Express' tailless honey walnut shrimp bore a remarkable resemblance to plump, pale larvae that bent and burst when crushed. Thin slivers of beef were curiously soft and separated under pressure from the tongue, though the broccoli added a nicely contrasting crunch. The Hunan-inspired orange chicken pieces — sweet with a light, spicy kick — were bunched-up chewy little nubs with batter indistinguishable from the chicken within.

Tangy Kung Pao chicken had some saucy heat, thanks to a hearty sprinkling of dried red chiles. Shanghai Angus steak, with its $1.25 surcharge, bounced with firm button mushrooms in a spicy brown sauce. The Angus is surprisingly healthy at only 220 calories, unlike the Beijing beef weighing in at a whopping 690. (See what happens when they arm you with facts?) After such an intense process of identification, the rice and chow mein passed without incident. Crispy cream cheese rangoons were admired for their little floral shapes. And our grilled chicken teriyaki proved entirely calorie-free — largely because it couldn't be found on any plate.

It's a drive through. It's fast food. It's not healthy. Well, unless you order boiled veg and white rice, but who's going to do that? I can't give it any ringing endorsement other than to say it's finally here. And I've had far worse. Panda Express expands the local options for solving your lunchtime blues. And with a charity program, Panda Cares, benefiting the Children's Miracle Network, this fast food might even make you feel good.

Dinner for four — including two "bigger plates" (three entrées, one side each) with two soft drinks and two children's meals (one entrée, one side, one drink) — came to an even $36 with tax and a 58-cent Panda Cares donation rounding up the bill to the nearest dollar.