If you somehow missed it, this week Amazon begins shipping a rather clunky-looking, voice-activated Alexa speaker-phone called the Echo Show. A lot of nerd publications are drooling over this thing for reasons beyond my comprehension.

For an intro, here's Amazon's video with the rundown of features, which you should watch to follow the discussion below. It will provide you all the information you need to know why I will never get one (neither should you).

This video starts out a bearded first-time dad named Doug. The Alexa/Echo device is in the kitchen, and his mom calls. He complains to her about how hard it is being a dad. His wife Jody comes in with the twins. Doug is immediately tasked with holding one so mom can gush at what she sees on her screen. A saccharine, bogus scene unfolds.

They cut away so we can meet 8-year-old Emily and her grandfather who are going to paint a planetary scene on a wall together—with the help of the Echo Show. She is excited to lecture him about the planets. He calls her "Doodlebug" as she shows a picture she made. "The big one is Jupiter with its anti-cylconic storm, AKA its great red spot." Grandpa appears impressed.

Emily wonders if the old man ever did sponge painting; he lies about it, then he asks Alexa to see some YouTube videos on the subject. The Echo Show screen is 7 inches, so the old man will have to get his YouTube instructions while squinting.

Suddenly the video cuts to a features list and we learn that by a simple voice command we can watch "Amazon Video, YouTube, movie trailers, and more!"

You see that a lot with these pitches: The idea that watching movie trailers is some sort of fabulous benefit. It's always a selling point. Who decided that watching commercials for movies was a benefit worth advertising? I think it's because there is very little this device can do except set a timer, play music, and make a phone call from a fixed spot in the house. But back to Echo Show's commercial.

The Show—which has to be plugged in the wall—is in the kitchen one minute, in the living room the next, and then in the bedroom to say good night. Is the house filled with these things? Do they all go off when a phone call comes in? Which one lights up when the call is answered?

We cut back to the dad, who is now changing diapers while Jody smirks. He is out of diapers and orders some using the Echo. He then orders rubber gloves because he apparently got poo on himself. Jody chuckles.

Now we cut to the apparent mom of Emily, Gina, who uses "the Alexa app to stay connected when she is away from home." She's on the road doing important business. She calls the little girl and gramps to express enthusiasm over their painting the room. I don't know about you, but I am not about to keep a $229 device in a room where paint is flying. Of course, the Echo Show seems to have been repositioned one more time.

Even after all this action, I am less than halfway through this ridiculous video. We learn that the Echo Show device can control lights, video feeds, and thermostats "with just your voice."

Cut back to the two millennial parents, Doug and Jody. The babies are fussing in the nursery. Doug says, "Alexa, flip a coin," and the device responds "HEADS!" Apparently, this means Doug must attend to the babies.

Related

Cut back to gramps and Emily. They are going to show the paint job to Grandma by "dropping in." Apparently the so-called "drop in" feature allows Alexa app users to see who is always available for a call—and the person on the other end answers automatically! Not for a phone call, mind you, but to just "drop in" via video (which seems a lot like a phone call to me). The difference is that the call recipient has to set an availability flag much like in a chat system.

Many of you know my take on video chat options in general. Put gaffers tape over the camera on your monitors and disconnect the mics. This Echo Show listening device and remote viewing spying is a no-go for me. This device will be hacked in record breaking time. Perverts from around the world will be "dropping in."

Go ahead and try this experiment: see if you're brave enough to, put one in your bedroom. Har. You've got to be kidding me.

About the Author

John C. Dvorak is a columnist for PCMag.com and the co-host of the twice weekly podcast, the No Agenda Show. His work is licensed around the world. Previously a columnist for Forbes, PC/Computing, Computer Shopper, MacUser, Barrons, the DEC Professional as well as other newspapers and magazines. Former editor and consulting editor for InfoWorld, he... See Full Bio

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