Caity Weaver

Do you hear that sound? That's the sound of my heart breaking because you motherfuckers are not doing your part keep McDonald's afloat.

The Chicago Tribune reports that America's favorite mom and pop diner—Old Man McDonald's place—has reported a decline in monthly U.S. same store sales for the first time in one hundred and eight (108) months or, as it is more conventionally referred to, nine (9) years.

WE HAVE DRILLS FOR THIS.

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When asked to explain what in the fucking Christ caused McDonald's to report profit declines of 2.2 percent domestically (WHAT THE HELL, DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN LIKE MCDONALD'S?) instead of profit increases of 100 percent, McDonald's explained that there was "lower demand" for its literally flawless product and "greater competition for lower sales" from competitors like The Mad Burger King and his painted whore Wendy[‘s].

As the Tribune points out, these restaurants have recently launched products designed specifically to compete with McDonald's awe-inspiring smorgasbord, like "improved coffee options" and "more innovative salads."

Brave CEO Don Thompson has sworn, perhaps foolishly, that McDonald's will once again experience a Golden Arched Age of perpetual growth in spite of competitors' strange and beautiful salads. Below, his unintelligible vow:

"Though October's sales results reflect the pervasive challenges of today's global marketplace, I am confident that our strategies and the adjustments we are making in response to the current business headwinds will build sales momentum and drive sustained, profitable growth."

The Tribune also notes that haters, in the form of market analysts, have been hating on McDonald's ("tempering expectations and downgrading the stock") for months.

So, right now you are probably saying, "Oh my God. OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD, what can I do???"

Calm down, stop, you're making me nervous.

There are lots of things you can do:

Have McDonald's for dinner tonight. If you weren't planning on having McDonald's for dinner tonight, you are part of the fucking problem, welcome to the solution. This suggestion was designed to weed out pretenders.

When the cashier asks if you want to increase the size of your meal or add a side dish, say yes. Do you work at a McDonald's? If not, it's rather presumptuous of you to assume you can design and implement a better McDonald's meal for yourself than the professionals.

If you work at a McDonald's, forfeit your paycheck next week. You're doing God's work. Do you think nuns get paid? (Do nuns get paid? If so, bring them to McDonald's.)

Some McDonald's locations have instituted policies whereby additional sauces for nuggets et al. incur a nominal fee of pennies on the dollar. Normally when I am surprised by one such fee, I like to Take A Stand by declaring "I don't want the extra honey mustard if it costs extra." Until McDonald's gets back on its feet, I will refrain from Taking A Stand by refuting illegal(?) sauce taxes. However, if the cashier leaves it off the total, I will not say anything. (Even martyrs must have their secrets.)

If you see a person tries to come at you talking smack about McDonald's, kill them. Bye hater.

Other than that, just use your brain. Instead of bringing water to the gym, bring a McDonald's fountain soda. Buy Happy Meals for your daughter's dance class. Reward your dog using Filet-O-Fish™ sandwiches instead of treats.