Sunday, January 01, 2006

January First.

The first morning of the first day of the new year.

And I had bacon.Not much. Just two little pieces, with melted cheese inside a tortilla. I looked at the bananas on the counter, and at the cottage cheese in the fridge, but the bacon was right there. Who can resist bacon?Apparently, not me, which is why I won't be buying it anymore.

I'm not weighing myself today. I can't bring myself to stand on the scale, because what if...what if, oh horror of horrors, that dreaded number 3 comes up this time? It's been a while since I stood on the scale, and I'm certainly not feeling any lighter. I declined getting on the scale at the doctor's office last week, with the lame excuse that I didn't want to take my boots off.

It's time for me to do something about the way I look, and the way I feel about myself. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I cringe when I see how fat my face really looks in pictures. Because, you know, you look at yourself, and you think that maybe you don't look so bad...but then you see a picture, and you think, "Oh my God, is that how people see me?" I hate feeling sick all the time, and I hate even more that I keep eating the things that I know make me feel that way.

I don't enjoy sex with my husband anymore. Not like I used to anyway. There isn't anything sexy about our bellies flopping together, or the jiggle that starts when we really get going. It's not sexy when he whispers that he wants to fuck me all night, but I'm already out of breath 60 seconds into the deed. So I avoid it, and we fight. I know it's not the solution, but I can't bring it up to him. He tells me I'm beautiful, and he loves me just the way I am. Which is sweet, really, but it doesn't exactly help me want to change.

Today, we're cleaning house as a family, and maybe we'll take a walk. If not, I'll exercise when he takes our oldest to her mom's house. I will. I won't sit here in front of the computer playing games, or bitching about how unhappy I am with my weight. I will get up, and I will exercise. Tomorrow, I'll exercise, and I'll call and find out if they're having Weight Watchers meetings, even though it's a pseudo-Holiday. (I'm off work, anyway.) My friend is doing LA Weight Loss, and has lost 35 pounds and is looking great...but she's also paid them through the nose for her "contract." I can justify the $10 or $11 a week for Weight Watchers, as long as I don't start adding it up. And I actually go to the meetings. Which I will.

So, it's January first. The first morning of the first day of the new year. And the first day of the new me...for real this time.