It’s never a good thing when members of two of the coolest bands around try to kill each other, but that’s exactly what happened when Sean Miller of Asleep, Audience… Dream! and Todd Jackson of The Grammarians got pissed at each other for some reason. There was little doubt what had to be done, so they challenged each other to a duel, old school style—rapiers at noon.

They picked a nice public place; the Will Rogers Park rose garden is as good a place to die as any. Wearing authentic flamboyant garb, they assumed proper fighting stances and got to wailing on each other, Sean slashing high and Todd swiping low, desperate to get through each others’ skillful blocks, slowly working through their opponent’s defenses any way they could, but it soon became clear that this would not be as quick or easy as they’d hoped: both men were skilled swordsmen from years spent keeping Oklahoma free of ninjas and dragons (never seen any around here, have you?) and it wasn’t long before the oppressive August heat began to take its toll.

Calling a time-out, both fighters stripped off their blousy shirts, paring their costumes down to the smallest legal denominator so as to avoid arrest for indecent exposure. Now topless and sexier than ever, Sean quickly realized the advantage this gave him and flashed a blinding beam of ultraviolet light from the sun off his white chest and directly into Todd’s eyes, giving him just long enough to inflict a staggering blow to Todd’s defenses.

Todd fell back, and Sean was able to take the upper hand, hacking and slashing like a man possessed. Then, as they inched onto an old bridge, with the churning abyss of piranha-infested, icy cold water beneath them, they traded taunts over the roar of rushing water as it tore at jagged rocks and formed an inescapable whirlpool directly under their feet. They knew one false step and one or both of them could go hurtling over the edge and into waters so quick and fierce that only members of the “Baywatch” cast would have any hope of escaping.

Then fate caught up with them, the two swordsmen so evenly matched and expertly skilled that the only end to such a duel could be complete and simultaneous two-way defeat, and as Todd and Sean skewered each other with their swift rapiers, the human sis kabobs fell in unison to the termite-eaten bridge planks they fought so bravely upon, fresh blood flowing hot and deep red from their pierced bodies, through the boards and into the churning maelstrom below.

Now out of the hospital and ready for their show with Omaha band The Paper Owls at Rampage Studios, 2412 N. Shartel Aug. 31, the duelers offer their post-game remarks:

“I felt a little bit sad that we had to resort to that, you know. We always got along so well, but it just finally came to blows. But I think we’ll work it out at our show Friday,” Sean said.

Todd was less forgiving: “I feel like, after fighting with him, I want to have another duel, because I think I can beat him, and I thought he was a crappy swordsman.”

The Grammarians are four members of legendary OKC rock band The Hex, but the new sound is a bit different from what old fans are used to.

“The style is a lot different,” Todd said. “There’s a lot more oomph, the sound’s a lot more improvisational. It’s a lot more hard-rockin’. It’s a 30 minute block of solid music; there are no breaks…prepare to be entertained.”

“Get there early for barbecue,” said Chris Cody of Asleep, Audience…Dream! Kansas City Blues will offer free food until it runs out.

“It’s the most happening rock show in the world,” Chris said. “We’re a psychedelic splendor of sonic sound and slumber; we try to keep eyes and ears fixed to the stage with our antics, plus we have a really good time. It’s all about a party. It’s Johnny’s birthday, too.”

He also urges people to come check out The Paper Owls: “They’ve got a hot little chick singer; she’s pretty exciting. I’ve got a girlfriend; [saying] that’s probably going to get me into some good trouble. I kind of like that.”

Doors open at 8 p.m. and cover is $5. The show is all-ages, so feel free to bring the whole family.

If you want to have a duel of your own, contact the Redlands Fencing Center, also a training center for the Olympic sport of fencing, at 418-4014. They’ll let you choose swords or pistols, whichever you need to settle that grudge that just keeps bugging you.