If you have just emerged from the bookies to place that life-changing bet on Mark Hughes to become the next proud owner of the St James' poisoned chalice, you might like to go and sit in the corner and groan quietly. Because, according to the Daily Express, Newcastle's new lamb to the slaughter will be none other than ... Gérard Houllier. And if that isn't enough to make you choke into your muesli/blueberries/yoghurt combo, the Express tosses Rafa Benítez into the mix as well.

Like solar eclipses, a decent British sitcom, and genuine 1500-calorie days for Vanessa Feltz, the creaky and reluctant opening of Arsene Wenger's wallet happens only so often, but we can feel blessed this morning, reader, because today is one of those times. Yes, Arsenal are going to spend some money, and in no small amount - a £15m bid for Kaka is currently being faxed over to AC Milan.

Chelsea haven't featured too heavily in this column of late, and that's the way we like it. So instead of reporting that Roman Abramovich made a fruitless bid to steal Brazilian wunderkind Kaka from AC Milan's grasp in the summer, we'll begin with the bizarre news that Paul Merson is being lined up as Brighton's new player-manager.