Groningen in Terror

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

According to CNN, Groningen is a ‘young and hip… alternative to Amsterdam’. It has the canals and the ‘classic Dutch buildings’ without the ‘hordes’ of tourists.

Guy Manderson, an assistant philosophy lecturer who once wandered into the VVV tourism building had this to say: ‘See, there’s a problem with selling a place on its lack of tourists. ‘Cause, if the tourists come here then there won’t be a lack of tourists anymore. All in all, I’m upset that CNN mentioned us. I don’t know what ‘the good’ is, but living in a ‘young and hip place to visit’ isn’t it.’

Guy isn’t alone in his trepidations. Locals, who previously complained about everything from having too many students, to farmers coming into the city on weekends, have been absolutely chomping at the bit for a new group to subject to their ‘othering’.

‘Ohhh boy oh boy, those nasty touristses’, said a local, practicing their Gollum impression into a mirror. ‘They’re ruining Groningen, precious. They don’t know how to bikes!’

One might think that students, of all people would be happy about an influx of tourists if meant locals would be grumbling about someone else for a change, but unfortunately even that isn’t enough to make them feel good about it.

‘If you thought finding housing was difficult now, just wait until everything turns into an Airbnb’, said one student. ‘Why would anyone bother with renting to students for 400 a month when they could use it as an Airbnb instead, and make 100 a night.’