Pretty Girls Don't Poop and Other Untruths of the Male Imagination

In the infamous words of George Costanza, “It’s not a lie if you believe it.”

We all believe half-truths to make sense of the nonsensical to some degree. When it comes to solving mysteries of the opposite sex, one could argue reconciliation by half-truths is better than nothing at all.

In an attempt to understand the complexities of women, men have developed a series of convenient female “truths”. Follow me as I attempt to set the record straight after the jump!

Women fantasize about other women 1 of 17

Men, you fantasize about women fantasizing about other women. When in fact, we fantasize about Ryan Gosling or Christian Grey...or Ryan Gosling as Christian Grey. Image credit: Shutterstock

You just might be...but then again you might not be. What is she going to do, tell you she's had better? C'mon. Image credit: Shutterstock

Women are desperate to get married 4 of 17

Relax Romeo, women aren't racing to the altar. The National Center for Health Statistics found 40% of women have never been married, with even fewer in their first marriage. So relax, enjoy, and think about putting a ring on it when the time is right. Image credit: Shutterstock

Snapped is a true crime television show about women who "snap" and commit murder. While we women love it, men without exception fear the crazy is contagious. It's not...or is it? Bwahahahaha! Image credit: Shutterstock

Women want lots of babies 7 of 17

Do you honestly think we want babies so dang bad we don't even care what you want (or don't want)? Or worse yet, that we'll resort to all kinds of female voodoo to trap you into child support forever? I'm not saying this never happens but it's the exception, not the rule. Let's chalk female trickery up to a few bad apples. Image credit: Shutterstock

Women want your money 8 of 17

What we want is your ability to support yourself. We're happy to give you sugar, but we ain't your Sugar Mama. Image credit: Shutterstock

Women go to the bathroom in groups to talk about you 9 of 17

We go to the bathroom in groups because the line is so damn long that we need people to talk to whilst hating on ourselves in fluorescent lighting. Image credit: Shutterstock

Women hang out naked, or at least in sexy lingerie 10 of 17

Most women I know go from naked to fully clothed in 1.7 seconds. We do like sexy lingerie, UNDER OUR CLOTHES. Image credit: Shutterstock

Women likey-wikey baby talk 11 of 17

Except we don't. Like ever. Baby talk is never sexy, because babies aren't sexy. Call us an endearing nickname if you must, but say it like a man, dammit! Image credit: Shutterstock

In a fit of anger we might scream (rather convincingly) that we don't need you. The truth is we do need you...until you piss us off again and we don't. Image credit: Shutterstock

Women like to be called/texted all the time 14 of 17

Beef up that cell plan, we want you to call and/or text in 15 minute intervals throughout the day. Bonus love points for cutesy emoticons. Not. Call when you have something to say. Check in periodically when you miss us. Send a sweet text if you want to. Otherwise leave us alone; we're busy! Image credit: Shutterstock

Pretty girls don’t poop 15 of 17

We know you know pretty girls poop. We also know you don't want to know, but you know what's grosser than a pretty girl pooping? A pretty girl not pooping. Image credit: Shutterstock

Women have grand romantic expectations 16 of 17

We don't need big, embarrassing public displays of adoration. It's all about listening to the little things and showing you care. Do it because you want to and we'll do you because we want to. Image credit: Shutterstock

Women possess the crazy gene 17 of 17

We all have the capacity for a little cray cray when pushed to the brink (especially via nasty breakup). Lady-crazy doesn't mean we'll boil your bunny or key your ride, but we might stalk your Facebook and rebound with Ben & Jerry. And by "might" I mean definitely. Image credit: Shutterstock

Have any of your own myths of the male imagination to share?

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