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Let’s face it kids, the RDP are some gullible sons (mostly daughters) of bitches.

We buy matching leash and collar combinations for dogs who don’t care- and our outfits must coordinate too or the sky will collapse. We attend courses and seminars based upon the biggest training trends of the moment that don’t actually fix issues we really have. We spend thousands of dollars on books and DVDs destined to show us a better (More expensive) way to do things we’ve done pretty much the right way from the beginning thanks to those who’ve come before us… and we do it all with a grimace that if you squint could be considered a smile for someone giving birth to a bowling ball. It’s so common now, it’s expected- we are hardly immune but we think we lack some serious critical thinking skills when it comes to the consequences beyond just the financial with every new fad or program we toss at our ever-willing canines. So here’s a few things to consider before you shell out the big bucks to learn how to pet your own dog.

What do I expect to improve by attending/participating/purchasing this?

All the courses and DVDs in the world cannot change basic facts of any scenario. They cannot make up for a bad match, a bad temperament (Dog or owner) or a bad attitude. They mostly can’t give you practical experience, they can’t teach you know your dog better, and they 100% absolutely do not make you an expert in anything. Sometimes you just need to face facts. Your dog is what it is, you are what you are and at a certain point you need to be okay with the fact that there is no magical cure or fast forward button. Buying the latest in harness/leash/collar/equipment won’t suddenly make your dog Lassie on a leash. Spending time with agility gurus is not going to get your Basset Hound to be the NAC any more than a 2 week online behavior course does makes you a professional trainer no matter what your PDF certificate says.

2 What’s the ripple effect going to look like?

So this is more for training your dog than yourself. It comes down to how well you know your dog and your dog’s proclivities. How will these approaches hit further down the line. If you have a dog who could be prone to obsessive behavior, looping or anxiety, teaching them crates are THE safe place from stress will be more hindrance than help. If you have a dog who is head-shy, maybe taking them somewhere to be hit with a soft flying projectile to the head isn’t the best move. Are you helping big issues or are you feeding smaller issues? Those smaller issues rapidly become big issues if you let them. Just because it’s worked for others doesn’t mean it’ll work for you and vice versa. Know when it’s starting to go off the rails and have an idea of how to reverse it if it does.

3. Am I really going to follow-through with this?

A weekend seminar is one thing, a multi-thousand dollar course is another. It’s the difference from volunteering at a church soup kitchen and joining Scientology. Why would you spend the cash if you weren’t prepared to go full Tom Cruise? If you’re not ready to jump on a couch with your PVC creation or your puppy checklist isn’t it in your best interest to learn about it before you flash out the big cash?

Really there’s something out there to suit every temperament and need, but be a smart consumer and more importantly, be a realist. Don’t put yourself on a trajectory you can’t pull out of without considering the full repercussions. Now we’re certainly not the types to crap on dog-fancy entrepreneurs- there are plenty of good ideas lodged in each new fad program, DVD series, my puppy will be more awesome than yours-type seminars etc, but don’t let the hype derail sense. You’re better than that- or at least pretend you are.

Really? You think calling my dog a dick isn’t nice? Well it’s a good thing she didn’t hear some of the other things I’ve called him recently. One of the things I am most proud of is my vast knowledge colorful insults. I’m pretty sure I’ve called my dog a twatwaffle or an assmarmot at least a few times in the last few months.

Dogs have been killed for less than this.

Here’s the thing. I love my dog. I really do. Just ask my Facebook friends who have to see at least 30 gazillion photos of him per week (and yes, those pictures of him sleeping aren’t all the same, I swear). But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t sometimes act like a dick. And as his (loving) owner, I reserve the right to call it as I see it. The names I call him really have no bearing on my love for him. And beyond that, guess what?…he doesn’t understand that I am calling him a phallus and he certainly doesn’t know what a marmot is.

Just a pir-marmot. Nothing see here.

Referring to my dog as an asshole or dick in conversation isn’t going to traumatize him or impact our relationship, I promise. I can pretty much guarantee that people have done worse things to their dogs than calling them a cockmuppet (you’re welcome for that new vocabulary word).

Kermit gives no fucks. Sorry, Jim Henson.

So the next time you hear someone telling their dog that that their mother was a hamster and their father smells of elderberries, please don’t don’t get your panties (yes, I used that word. That is an entirely different issue for an entirely different blog) in a twist.

I think I may be getting old, dear minions. (Long time, no see by the way. How’s your mom? Good, good.) As I was saying, I’m aging. I’m still actively involved in dog groups, I pitch in my two cents here or there but more often or not I just find myself shaking my head at what the young whippersnappers are working themselves up about this week. I remember those days (like five years ago), those long forum arguments about training styles, dog food, etc… but it all seems much more petty now. Of course, the training battles are still waging, as they were when the earth began and as they will when it ends. That’s not what I’m thinking about. It seems to have come in to fashion to be a hard assed dog owner. Where did that come from? When did pet weight become a dirty word? What’s with the nail nazis, commenting on every photo of a dog that doesn’t have nubs for nails? Fur Mommy is about the worst insult some of you kids can come up with, and it’s getting a little out of hand. I mean, we like to judge. It’s what we do, but our goal is to bring some levity to dog ownership, not make people feel like shit.

Except for the real shitty ones.

Let’s talk about that first point a little further. Sit down for this, are you ready? There’s no need for the average dog to look like a pit bull walking into the show ring. You want your dog to look like that? Cool. Get out there and do the work. Food bowl conditioning is another point entirely, and maybe we’ll get to it one day but for right now, let’s focus on telling you kids to stop being shitlords and using pet weight as an insult especially if the dog is a FUCKING pet. Pet isn’t a dirty word, by the way… but I’ll talk about that shortly. Obviously, we don’t like fat dogs here at TDS, see a previously written article titled something along the lines of “Your dog is a fatass, feed him less”. A dog with a little coverage on his or her ribs though? That’s okay. It doesn’t make you edgy or cool to come along and comment on the dog’s weight. It really just makes you look like an asshat. Stay in your own lane, and out of my grass, damnit.

Alright. Toe nails. I get it. Same with the fat dog thing. Toe nails that touch the floor are ACTUALLY bad for a dog. I’m with you on that, I was a groomer for years… I’ve clipped some hellacious ones. This craze has gone too far though. Not every dog is a show doberman (Thank the sweet baby jesus). They don’t all need little nub nails. What if I told you that dogs use their toe nails? What a novel thought! Have a look at these cheetah toe nails (They don’t retract their claws like other cats, by the way. Never say we didn’t teach you something.) I recently witnessed someone in a facebook group comment that a whippet’s toe nails were too long. Mind you, the nails weren’t touching the ground. You know what whippets do exceptionally well? The same thing cheetahs do well… run and turn.

If you want to spend hours of your week devoted to your dog’s toe nails… more power to you. Get off the dick of people that have dogs with perfectly fine toe nails though.

Last point now. Thanks for sticking with the ramblings of an old woman. Fur Mommies and Pet Owners. Did you sneer up your nose when you read that? I bet you did, we’re all friends here… this is just an intervention. An intervention for assholes… but not the good kind of assholes we are. The Shitty ones that think it’s fun to infiltrate groups of Pibble Mommies and Pupper Lovers and wreck shit. Y’all need to get better hobbies. Why, all of a sudden, is having pet dogs a bad thing? All these people are doing is loving their perfectly fine, pet weight pets and clipping their toe nails like… once a month. The majority of you little shits work in the pet industry. These people are your bread and butter. And guess what? That Malinois your mom bought you that does rally and dock diving every now and again is a pet too, no matter how many “working dog, do not pet” patches you put on his Julius K9… so cool your shit. It does not make you cool to join groups and rile up suburban dog moms. That means it isn’t cool to join just to post pictures of your dogs testicles, or your dog eating raw bunnies, or your thin dog. (Also smoking doesn’t make you look cool either, while we’re covering dumb shit children do. )

OK Kids, Now that we’ve covered some home truths I feel we can carry on. We hope to soon get back to a much more regular posting schedule. You guys have gotten out of hand while we were gone. If you have a topic you’d like us to address, please do let us know. We’ll consider it.

P.S. No my dogs aren’t fat and they have perfectly acceptable toe nail lengths, even by Nail Nazi standards. I thought about posting a photo but I don’t need facebook stalkers, thanks.

You can’t always get what you want…but we sure can dream. Although we’re pretty sure most of our wishes fall under a more general “don’t be an asshole” category, here are 10 d0g-related things (of many, many more) we hope will happen in 2017.

People will actually research breeds before getting a dog. And no, watching reruns of Frasier to learn more about JRTs doesn’t count.

Dog shit will no longer litter the sidewalks because people actually learn to pick it up…and dispose of it properly.

Poodles will no longer be indiscriminately bred with any other dog that has four paws.

Good sportsmanship will reign supreme in the dog sport world (yeah…right).

Drama whoring of petty dog things across social media will be drastically reduced.

Can those creepy pictures of dog heads on human bodies stop being a thing?

An adult human being stands in the middle of the course/field/ring with his or her dog. Complaining. Loudly. His/Her dog, previously amped to be there with him, excited to do the task he has trained for, is now subdued, ears tucked back almost like an embarrassed kid whose mom has asked to speak to the manager. The man/woman is ranting and raving about a recent rule change/equipment change/ring setup. A perfectly reasonable change… a change he/she has had time to prepare for. Yet here he or she is, being a dick.

You’ve chosen the wrong button.

Don’t be that asshole. Just don’t. Do you even remember why you’re playing this game? Could it have something to do with the dog sitting at your feet. The dog that could be playing the game he loves to play with you but is instead being completely embarrassed by your lack of ability to behave like a grown ass man/woman.

Almost as embarrassing as this pun

We know, we know. Dogs don’t think like that. We get it. However, we do think you should be embarrassed of yourself. You paid your dollars to be here. Probably a lot of them. You can claim you did it because your dog just loves the sport so much but we know the truth. Your dog would be delighted playing in the park or on a hike. There’s some part of you, rather you admit it or not, that is here to win. Maybe not the entire competition but you’re here for titles or you’re here for points or world invites or… something. If not, your panties wouldn’t be in such a twist over this new rule, or that little screw up, or the weather or whatever it is that has you up in arms.

We aren’t saying we don’t want to sleep under this. We’re just saying we aren’t ass marmots about it.

Can we ask you again not to be that asshole? Think about the novices that are here for the first time. These people who have been told by trainers and friends what a warm welcoming environment such and such sport is. How much fun it is, how wonderful it is to walk into the ring or onto the field or course with their dog by their side to play the game they’ve trained so hard at. Then those novices arrive, fresh faced and innocent, to see you shit all over the sport that was supposed to be friendly and welcoming. And you’re obviously in the know, as someone who has been playing for years. Someone with a successful dog, someone who was here to win.

He’s in it to win it.Obviously.

We aren’t saying that competitors shouldn’t complain. Of course we’re not; We love to complain. We love to complain amongst ourselves and god knows we love to complain online. You know what? Complaining gets shit done. Look at this week’s agility news. Bye Bye Chute, don’t let a dog get trapped in you and break a leg on the way out. There’s a time and a place for those complaints. Send emails, talk to reps… just don’t make an ass out of yourself in the middle of a competition. Of course, there’s also the option of voting with your money. Don’t compete in events where you don’t agree with the rules/regulations/equipment… but that might limit your opportunity for glory/accolades/a fifty cent piece of ribbon and we couldn’t have that, could we?

But they feel so good when you roll in them naked…. I mean hang them up. On you wall. Like a normal person. Yeah… hang them up.

Dating is hard. Dating with dogs…is interesting. In addition to the normal questions that run through every single person’s mind (What should I wear? Am I showing enough boob? Too much boob? How’s my breath?), a dog person will probably also have some, if not all, of the following thoughts:

Will my dog like my date?

Will my date like my dog?

Will my date like my dog more than me?

If my date has a dog, would our dogs get along?

How does my date feel about dog hair?

I sure hope I don’t have any dog hair in awkward places.

What will I do with my dog if my date comes back to my place?

More importantly, what will my dog do if I bring a date back home?

Will my date be turned off by the copious amounts of photos of my dog I have?

Should I have hidden said dog photos?

How slowly should I reveal my layers of dog crazy?

Can they handle the crazy?

When is the appropriate time to tell someone you are dating that you write a blog best known for ‘dog toy or sex toy’ comparisons? (Ok fine, maybe that’s just us).

There also some things you should probably know before dating someone with dogs:

Love us, love our dog. It’s really kind of simple.

We like our dogs more than you. That’s unlikely to change.

If you are insecure being a third wheel, please move on. The dog was here first, and you are the interloper. While we can find a way to squeeze you in on the couch with us, the dog isn’t going anywhere.

While ideally we would find a significant other as dog crazy as we are, we are fine settling for someone who supports (or at least doesn’t get in the way of) our own craziness.

Don’t take us cutting our dates short as a personal affront. Sometimes we really do need to go walk the dog, and no, that’s not a euphemism.

Our hobbies consist of dogs, dog people sometimes, and lots of driving to dog events. If you want to come and “be supportive” you will be bucket bitch. That title is exactly as glamorous as it sounds. We also probably will ignore you until we need a brush, a snack (for the dog, and I’ll know if you steal one) need you to get me a leash, or (surprise) need you to fill a bucket. It’s not personal, I just need those things and you’ve volunteered.

Don’t question our dog-related spending habits. Ever.

You can maybe work up to holding some of our dogs’ leashes, but don’t be offended if we never ask you to hold it. If you volunteer, we’ll probably say no. It’s not that we don’t trust you, but given that your reaction to our dogs sitting on command was on par with witnessing a statue of the Madonna weeping blood…we don’t trust you.

Our voices change when we talk to our dogs, and it isn’t cute. Deal with it.

Get used to us being more excited to see our dogs than you when we come home.

If you aren’t ready to hear the answer, don’t ask who we love more–you or the dog.

We here at The Dog Snobs have impeccably trained dogs. They’re not even dogs, really. Just perfect fuzzy robots. However, when we are walking Rover3D2, we sometimes notice that many times, people use one command when they really mean another. Or they use one command when they really want to say something else entirely. It’s craziness, really. So, in order to help you out (because we are nothing if not helpful), we’ve made a list of what people *really* mean when they use certain dog commands as well as some handy-dandy alternatives. You’re welcome.

“Heel” really means…

“Walk next to me and don’t be a dickbag or I’ll beat you in private like the civilized people!”

“Look at me” really means…

“Stop staring at the drunk man dancing a jig. It’s awkward for all of us.”

“Leave it” really means…

“Goddamnit, if you eat that tikka masala I dropped on the floor we’ll both suffer.”

“Drop it” really means…

“Let go or I swear to god I’ll cut your head off and then who will have the toy?”

“Come” really means….

“Keep running and see who gets to have dinner tonight.”

“Wait” really means…

“Move and die”

“Off” really means…

“If you push me down the stairs, I’ll break your kneecaps.”

“Lie Down” really means…

“Please just stop dicking around for five seconds.”

“Be nice” really means…

Nevermind. We don’t say that. This is for bad people.

If the above commands are a little too mainstream for you, may we also suggest these alternative commands:

“Don’t be a dick”

“Really, stop being a dick and behave for 5 seconds so I don’t send you to Cincinnati to replace that Gorilla.”

“Get off my grill”

“Get off that, I haven’t paid you off yet.”

“Get out of there”

“Get out of the cat box filled with delicious kitty truffles.”

“Don’t touch me”

“You ate/rolled in something nasty, so no, I do not want your kisses.”

“On your own time!”

“Will you PLEASE stop licking your junk next to me on the couch?”

“Seriously?” really means…

“Don’t even think about doing that dickbag thing you are about to do.”

“Calm the fuck down”

“Stop flinging yourself in the air, you freak.”

**Did we miss anything? What favorite commands do you use? Which commands would make your neighbors blush? Share below!**

We haven’t ruined your Saturday in a while. Let’s change that. For today’s installment, we’ve found some adorable critters for your enjoyment. And yes, one of them is actually for *that” type of enjoyment. In the famous words of Big Bird, which one of these things is not like the other? That’s right friends, two of these are dog toys and one is a sex toy. Can you tell which is which?

A)

B)

C)

Have you thought long and hard? (See what we did there?)

Let’s start with the easy one, shall we? Option C is indeed a dog toy. How are you doing so far?

So that means that either A or B is a sex toy. Have you made your final guess???

Well, despite B having a suspicious looking pleasure hole and one hell of an 0-face, that is indeed a dog toy. So that means that adorable little option A is for adults only.

For those of us who live in apartment complexes, we know that the etiquette for having dogs in a “vertical” community is a lot more complicated than living in a single family home. Complicated, however, does not mean that you get a pass on you or your dog being an asshole. So here are a few tips I’ve come up with after years of living in apartments with dogs (plus a silly thing called common sense):

1.Dogs bark. That’s cool. Some dogs bark more than others. That’s…still cool. But letting your dog bark all day? Not cool. Whether your dog is barking because of separation anxiety, because he sees moving shit outside of the window, or just likes to hear his own high pitch voice, please at least make an attempt to do something about it. We get that remedying some of these things takes time and patience, but that doesn’t mean you should give up and just let your dog “bark it out” when you share 4 walls…and a floor…and a ceiling…and a courtyard…with your neighbors. There are actual training protocols (gasp…shit you can do to make it better?) and techniques that will help. Getting to the bottom of why your dog is barking is the first step in finding a solution. And while you are working on quieting your dog, give your neighbors a friendly little warning so they know you aren’t just some obtuse asshole who doesn’t care that Puppy barks from dawn to sunset. You might even ply your neighbors with wine and cheese (I prefer a nice Gouda) so they are less annoyed when Fluffy flings himself at your door each time you walk by in the hallway.

2. If your dog piss and shit in the hallway, clean it up. It’s not something to leave for the management to deal with in the morning.

3. Related, while I get that dogs often are about to explode as you run them outside for a walk or potty break, don’t be that asshole who lets your dog do his business right at the threshold of the apartment complex. No one, not even other dog owners, wants to take a flying leap over a puddle of piss to get outside. Repeat after me: Your building’s entrance is not a fire hydrant…

4. If your building has an elevator, respect boundaries. Letting your dog go barging into the elevator before anyone has even gotten out is just not terribly rude, but it’s a dog fight waiting to happen. At the very least, I’m apt to throat punch you for invading my bubble.

5. Another handy-dandy elevator tip-not everyone wants your dog’s nose up their skirt, in the crotch of their pants, or shoved into your grocery bag. Keep a short leash on your dog when sharing tight quarters.

6. Short leashes are your friend when inside the complex. Don’t be that twatwaffle who lets your dog round a corner on his flexi-leash and blindside a neighbor precariously balancing her recycling on her way to the garbage room leading her to land face first in a pile of crushed cans (Not that I know this from experience…. )

7. Not everyone in your building loves dogs and not every dog in your building loves other dogs. It’s pretty simple. Keep your dogs on leash in the common areas at all times.

8. Finally, know thy dog. Not all dogs love sharing the tight space of apartment living, but for many people it’s not realistic to move into a single family home. Therefore, make the best of your situation and set your dog up for success. Knowing what upsets your dog, what is likely to get them over-excited, and managing it from the front end is a whole helluva lot less work than dealing with pissed off neighbors after the fact.

**What do you think? What is the worst experience you’ve had living in apartments with dogs? Are you glad you don’t have to? Share below**

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