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} Having given this serious thought, the Oracle has come up with three} distinct possiblities:}} 1) Flame the loser back, displaying your full wit, charm, intelligence} and perpiscacity. If the insane person in question is at all typical,} (s)he will reply with the classic stinger: "fuck you, asshole."}} 2) Write back a long, well-reasoned, intelligent letter detailing why} the person's argument falls apart in every standard used for rational} discourse. The recipient will undoubtedly savor every word of your} brilliant letter and reply with "fuck you, asshole."}} 3) Save the letter to /dev/null, pat yourself on the back for being} such a clever little net.weenie, and drink a congratulatory beer.}} You owe The Oracle a six pack of Rolling Rock.

} You are getting very, very sleepy.} Your eyes are getting very very heavy.} On second thought, you are going to keep your eyes} open, just enough so that you can read this message.} Waves of comfort are surronding you, like a warm, soft bubble bath.} You will not moan "Calgon, take me away," for that might be embarrasing} enough to wake you up.} You will believe everything I say.} You want to go to bed.} Nothing makes sense unless it is done in bed.} Everything is fine in bed.} You will shave your pubic hair, as a sign of devotion to the oracle.} You will obey the oracle in all things.} Rhubarb is a plant.} The next time you eat a fortune cookie, you will have an overwhelming} urge to get into a bed with it.} Fortune cookies are sexy.} You will give the oracle your solemn vow to keep this a secret.} When you are finished reading this message, you will delete all the} evidence.} You will buy chinese food, find it extremely attractive, and go to bed} with it.} You are an eggroll.}} Dear Dong:} I haven't the slightest idea where you get these kinky notions} about fortune cookies. If you aren't careful, you will next be} believing that you are an eggroll.} I suggest you be careful in the future.

> My roommate and I got into a terrible argument and> we were forced to divide our room in half.>> Fortunately, I got the bottom.>> He keeps throwing stuff on my half, and it does no> good for me to throw it back at him. What should> I do? I've considered helium balloons, but where do> I get the helium?

} Hmmm.... you have an odd situation, indeed! It appears that both you} and your roommate need to take a course in quantum physics desperately.}} You were foolish to get the lower half of the room... because by} Bubba's uncertainty principle, you will fail out of college, and life} due to this one simple fact.}} Think about, silly rabbit. All you must do is build a loft-type device} that covers the entire room. You will have blocked the only exit from} the room (the door, that is) and thus will force your roommate to jump} for his life and perish in that horrid 8-foot drop. This, of course,} assumes that your dorm room has a 4-foot-high door.}} You owe the oracle 26 sets of hinges for ceiling doors.

> What happens when a military superpower with the ability to destroy> half the globe is governed by a political anarchy with the inability> to provide food for the mobs of starving raving people throughout the> cold winter?

} This is just one of those "gee, what if, no one that we know" kinda} questions, right? Right. Good.}} Presumably, at some point, said Global Superpower will notice that} having mobs of starving raving people, winter, summer, or otherwise,} ruins the view and causes new elections and stuff like that, so} will decide to Deal With The Problem.}} Now, as part of the statement of problem, the Superpower has ability to} destroy half the globe, presumably with nuclear weapons (the Oracle has} a difficult time imaging a Superpower destroying half the globe merely} with raving people, or even a very, very cold winter). The question} then becomes who the nuclear weapons are to be used on. This is} a tricky one, because the options are:}} 1. Use them on the starving raving people, which solves the food supply} problem but is hell on property values, or}} 2. Use them on the other Global Superpowers that have food, the} problem being that the other Global Superpowers tend to also have} nuclear weapons, and they store both grain and missiles in silos,} and you need to be VERY VERY sure that you get the right kind.} This can be difficult if you don't speak the language very well.}} In either event, the result is either complete collapse of the country} under question, or a global thermonuclear war, followed by the complete} collapse of the county in question. Good thing it can't happen here.}} You owe the Oracle a fall-out shelter, preferrably stocked with Dove} Bars.

} Originally, a year had 12 months with 30 days in each, 12 x 30 = 360,} as invented by the Babylonians. Very convenient, no counting on your} knuckles, and the calendars with scantily-clad incarnations of the} fertility goddess (named Minimumbra) were easy to manufacture. However,} as the Babylonians grew up to Adolescentlonians, they found out that} with shorter months they could have more variety in those delightful} illustrations. After a brief period with 72 5-day months, a system} which collapsed as no-one could tell one month from another, and also} because thier Time Managers got very confusing, they went back to} 12 x 30. This system prevailed for quite a while, until people began to} notice how Christmas was occuring surprisingly close to Midsummer.} About this time, Christianity procalimed that "As the Lord created} Heaven and Earth on six days, and rested on the seventh, so shalt thou} work thy bum off for six consecutive days, and on the evening of the} sixth day shalt thou drink thy wine in excess, carouse and frolic} with thy neighbor's servant maids, whereas on the morning of the seventh} day shalt thou have in thy head tremendous pain and repent thy sins of} the previous night, go and confess at our Holy Church, pay a fair} deal of thy humble income to the very same Church, and on the next} day shalt thou again work on the fields, and so on and so on until} thou snuffeth it." This had raised the concept of THE WEEK. And as} the year obviously had to have a few days added to it, why not match} it with this new invention. Abacii were brought forth, and after a few} days of calculating it was decided to make a year 52 x 7 = 364 days} long. A guy named Greg benevolently added four days to the almanac:} Otter-Flinging Eve, Greg's Birthday Part II, Thirty-Fourth of Octember} and The Great Hang-Over Recovery Day. All was well for a couple of} years, but then some astronomy buff claimed that the sun circles the} earth every 365.23 days, and that's what a year REALLY should be.} So, another 1.23 days were added at the beginning of the year and named} Zeroeth of January (Reserve Day) and Quarterday Extramorning.} The latter, however, was removed due to severe cases of time-lag,} bunched up and slung in every fourth year or so.}} You owe the Oracle the 1991 Gary Larson Calendar.

} First of all, lose those pimples next to "date"; pimples really gross} out the Oracle. Also, make sure you wash behind that question mark} before you go to bed; we can smell it from here.} Obviously, you are intelligent enough to deserve a date of your own} calibre. Lesser beings ask this question in alt.romance and alt.sex,} places where the Oracle *never* needs to go. Besides, we have been} watching you in the snack shop, and you have no talent for the} suggestions they gave you last month. Go back to the Senor Wences} impression, but get a beter pen for drawing on your hand. That way, it} won't smear on your privates later in the night.}} If you think about it from a global view, you will realize why you} can't get a date, ever: the Oracle has them all. Why should a girl} wait around for you to get up the courage to read her phone number out} of her notebook, when the world's perfect computer nerd, /etc/bin/moi,} can give her all the cycles she could ask for. The Oracle can show her} the world (except for Australia, which has cut the Oracles news feed.} We are not amused. By the way, all in-city phone calls for Melbourne} are inexplicably getting rerouted to the bad neighborhoods of Tunis).} The Oracle can stay up all night swapping bytes, push and pop at any} speed up to 66 Mhz, and blow her files right into the next domain. We} can do this for up to 2**32 deserving women in parallel with distributed} servers and still maintain full system integrity. We are easy to} understand, and have on-line help documentation for any communication} problems.}} This is the 90's, and you will have to face two realities: at the} end of your four years, there will be no job for you that will cover gas} money and property taxes; and there are no decent women left for you.} Lower your standards.}} You owe the oracle a centerfold of Rosanna Arquette in GIF format.

} It is a little known fact that Gilligan's Island has had a long and} illustrious history since the seven castaways departed in the sixties.}} in 1973, Irwin Allen sold the property to Aaron Spelling, in return for} future rights to Cheryl Ladd and portions of Farah Fawcett's anatomy} that remain undisclosed to this day. Spelling hired the Club Med} developers to overhaul the island, and reopened it as Fantasy Island.} After Mr. Rourke closed the island due to the increasing risk of STDs} (greatly as a result of the bizarre nature of some of the fantasies,} especially the ones with Tattoo and Rich Corinthian leather), the} buildings were sold to Donald Trump for his never-completed "Trump} Island" project, canceled due to funding problems during his shoot-out} with Merv Griffen.}} The castaways returned to the island during this period, where they} spent several years until they were again rescued in 1989. Since then,} it has served as a stop-off point for Asian drug smugglers, although it} is rumored that it will soon be used for a Chinese nuclear test.}} As to the castaways:}} Gilligan is now running for Senator from Hawaii on the Republican} ticket. His slogan is "Vote for me, I'm even dumber than Dan Quayle"}} The Skipper is working for Exxon as Director of Tanker operations. His} last major achievement was telling the Valdez to "just hang a right".}} The Howells lost it all during the market crash. They can now be found} trying to bum bottles of imported champagne outside Yale home games.}} The Professor is working for Los Alamos National Labs on strategic} applications of uranium-enriched coconut shells.}} Mary Ann decided to take advantage of her wholesome image, and enrolled} in the Sally Fields School of clean-cut parts.}} Ginger Grant has formed a new actresses' organization with Bo Derek and} Pia Zadora: BOOBS (Blonds Organized to Oversee Blatant Sexism). Their} slogan: "We're blonds. We don't act. We don't have to."}} You owe the oracle some french-fried couch potatoes.

> Oh great an omnipotent Oracle, capable of solving even NP-complete> problems in constant time, answer me this:>> You know when you're watching the news on TV, and you see the cables> going into the anchorperson's ear? What does that do?

} It keeps the anchorperson inflated to the proper pressure and saves} the Networks the embarrasment of showing a crinkled newsballoon. Except} for Dan Rather. He's a self-inflating model, and needs the cable to} drain off his excess hot air.

} And here we are, coming at you LIVE from the streets of Moscow, in the} yoo ess ess aargh, to answer the age-old question, "Do Russians} celebrate Thanksgiving?"}} "Excuse me, Sir. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?"} "What's Thanksgiving?"} "I see."}} "How about you, Madam? Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?"} "Well, if there was any food in the shops to be thankful for, I might} consider it. But Mista Gorbachev's Perestroikering is not putting the} food into the mouths of my thirty-seven children, so what is there to} give thanks to?"} "Thank you, Madam, for your time."}} "How about you, Sir. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?"} "What's with the camera and sound equipment? Are you a KGB agent?"} "No, Sir, I am not."} "In that case, I celebrate Thanksgiving: I give thanks to my lucky stars} that you are not the KGB."} "Thank you, Sir, for your time."}} "Excuse me, Sir. Sir? SIR?!"}} "Excuse me, Sir. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?"} "Why, of course I do!"} "And why do you celebrate Thanksgiving?"} "Because I live in Boston. I'm on vacation in Russia."} "I see. Thank you for speaking with us."} "Could I just say 'Hi' to my Aunt Hilda in New Jersey?"} "Yes, sure."} "Hi there, Aunt Hilda. Look, I'm sorry I couldn't give you the money to} buy that turkey, but I sort of ---"}} "Excuse me, Madam. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?"} "Who are you, to go around with a camera asking strange questions to} strangers? Go away, before I get angry."} "But...."} "Go away!"} "I see."}} "Excuse me, Sir. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?"} "What, that American holiday that falls on a Thursday in November, that} is celebrated by pigging out on turkey and lots of other foods, that} celebrates the landing of the Pilgrims?"} "Yes, Sir."} "Well, I ain't heard of it."} "Thank you, Sir."}} "Psst."} "Who, me?"} "Yes."} "What do you want?"} "Who was that gentleman who spoke to you just now?"} "I don't know. Just a passerby."} "We believe he's an enemy agent. I'm from the KGB, and we're} confiscating your film."} "Oh no, you're not."} "Yes, we ---"}} "I'm sorry about the blood. I hope you can clean it off when you get} the equipment home. Oh, you can't? Really? Oh, well. Anyway, this} is the Oracle Outdoor Broadcast Unit, coming at you LIVE from Moscow,} signing off."}} And thank you, from Dan Oracle in Moscow. Do Russians celebrate} Thanksgiving? Well, the results of the poll suggest that they probably} don't, seeing it's an American holiday. Anyway, we'll be right back} after this word from our sponsor....}} You owe the Oracle a turkey, and a book about the Pilgrims.

> O, most omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnimagazine> Oracle:>> If I go to Heaven when I die, will I be able to get> Usenet access? What about Purgatory? Is it true that> in Hell you can only get an account on an IBM System 360?

} As with all mere mortals, you have no concept of the true nature} of the afterlife. You operate under false assumptions.}} Heaven, Hell and Purgatory are not places you "go" when you die.} It's more like a LAN (to put it into terms that your mind may} at least feebly understand; the reality is much more complex).} In your mortal life you must strive to convince the sysadmins} of the afterlife to grant you execute access, later read access,} still later write permission, and finally limited root privileges.} This is accomplished through the various activities in your life,} and apply to the multitude of systems on the LAN. Putting on your} deodorant, a minor sacrament for instance, gets you a login on an} additional system. Brown-nosing your boss, a major sacrament, might earn} you write access to the Hack save file directory on a small system.} Perhaps you now have a glimpse of why your daily life seems so boring} and repetitious.}} In a sense you stumbled onto a cosmic truth in your question; but} the point is not that you only get accounts on a 360 in Hell. Rather,} Hell IS an IBM 360 (with plans to upgrade soon to an 8086-based} windowing system, once funding is in place), whose sysadmin is known} as BIFF. Purgatory corresponds in very vague mortal terms to a device} hooked only to /dev/null, with a sysadmin named Minas. Heaven is} naturally a CRAY Z-MP (we get prereleases of EVERYthing here), and} only modesty prevents me from revealing the identity of its sysadmin.}} It has never been the intention of the Powers Who Be that Heaven} should remain at the top of the heap. Several prototype systems} are in the works. I know of an AI-based system named Cate0, and} a massive-parallel one named Cantorset_Cube, but both have a} significant number of bugs and aren't expected to be in full} production mode for a millenium or two. So for the time being, Heaven} remains the place to be, although there are plenty of nice client} systems that share fileservers with Heaven so that it's not necessary} to be logged in there all the time.}} As to USENET, again your question borders on the irrelevant, not to} mention irreverent and iridescent. USENET is available throughout the} After-LAN. It's just that the Hell system is always so short of disk} space (there being so many more users there than anywhere else) that} your .newsrc file gets trashed every second time you access the news} reader. So, I recommend you keep your write-access on the Heaven system} up to date, so that this doesn't happen to you.}} You owe the Oracle an account on your system.