please rate my argument essay

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The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

The argument seems to be a well etched out one and gives a number of examples to promote it’s cause, on the surface of it the argument seems to almost convince the reader to be impeccable but if one delves deeper into it we see a number of flaws in the argument enumerated below.

The author has taken for granted that the people of Monroe will lose their loyalty to the other jazz club as soon as C Note will open up. It might be that the other club has made it’s member sign a contract of, maybe say 10 years and as we see the local population generally loves jazz, there might be large number of population that might have taken up the membership and are bound to be the members of that club for the next ten years thus rendering C Note out of patrons.

The author also has not enumerated the facilities that it has, which the other jazz club does not have, and which might be of a great importance for the patrons. For example the other jazz club might be providing a good food to it’s patrons on every visit and also does allow a club member to bring along a consort free of cost.

The author has seemed to overlook the fact that the other club does that the distance between Monroe and itself might create a problem for it’s patrons and it might have provided a conyence to it’s patrons whenever they want to visit the club or may provide it after the C Note comes into existence to be in contention.

The author states the strength of the jazz festival to be a very good example of the interest people of Monroe have in jazz but it could be that the festival’s timing could be such which could have enhanced the strength maybe the festival fell during holidays, the entry fee could have been very low, the festival could have been more attractive due to the fact that the management of the festival had decided to invite a plethora of celebrities so that people might have come to view the celebrities instead of the festival itself.

Another thing which the author fails to provide us is the fact that what is the economic condition of the people of Monroe. Radio is a free medium and the people might just use it to satiate their appetite of jazz by listening to that and may not be able to invest much money in a jazz club itself .

Also the author does not give us details of the nation wide survey that was conducted. How many people were include in the survey? How many states were covered? How many ethnic groups were included? And so on.

On delving deeper into it the argument seems to be specious and devoid of details to a very great extent which renders the argument useless.

some of your arguments against the statement seem a bit too far fetched for example : C note providing conveyance to its patrons.

The author states the strength of the jazz festival to be a very good example of the interest people of Monroe have in jazz but it could be that the festival’s timing could be such which could have enhanced the strength maybe the festival fell during holidays, the entry fee could have been very low, the festival could have been more attractive due to the fact that the management of the festival had decided to invite a plethora of celebrities so that people might have come to view the celebrities instead of the festival itself.

Not a very strong reasoning. One wouldn't under normal circumstances go to a jazz festival if he wasnt interested just because the tickets were cheap and it fell on a holiday. You could have argued instead that there is no data regarding the number of people from Monroe who attended the fest. It just might be that most of the people who attened it were from some other locations.

You last two points which seem to be the strongest are underdeveloped. Also, its a good idea to suggest ways to improve the argument in your concluding paragraph.

That said, you seem to have a decent vocab. Just work on your structure. I cant rate your essay as Im just a beginner at argument analysis myself, but your analysis failed to convince me, and thats the reason for this comment :-). Best of luck mate.