The salmonella reference came from an epic comment by snappyssidekick. I don’t mean to highlight any one comment from this amazing thread, since there were so many memorable ones (and wirelessandy and dk_brown were the tireless workhorses of this experiment.) But I thought this was exceptionally funny example of fake anti-parenting histrionics, which makes it worth revisiting.

It makes a lot more sense if you read the original post, since it’s a point-by-point rebuttal. The comment is below. Definitely the first time I’ve been called a bald Charlie’s Angel … and hopefully not the last …

First of all, will you please stop calling it the Bay Area, no one actually from the Bay Area calls it the Bay area. Gawd! You make me want to find you, and punch you in the back of the head…and then run. I’m sure I will escape because I can tell by the way you write that you are not very fast.

That said I can find many problems with your “supposed” top 4. (Also, why 4? The magic number is 3. Next time, be succinct.)

1. Puppies and balloons? Are you crazy? Do you not know what puppies and balloons carry? Salmonella. Especially balloons. Jeez.

2. Oh for the love of Krishna, do NOT take your kids to the Farmer’s Market. Everyone knows that the first thing a child will do when faced with a large amount of produce is to start throwing stuff. Especially the melons and pumpkins. –And all that smashed melon and pumpkin pulp on the sidewalk is a breeding ground for salmonella.

3. Are you serious? You really want to put your kids in a CAR? A CAR? Oh my GAAAWWWD! Are you really that stupid? The first thing kids do when they get into a car is they start throwing things. And god help you if you’ve actually had the unbelievable DUMBNESS to drive your kid to the pumpkin patch. There is NO WAY you will be able to see out your window with pumpkin pulp all over it. You think that S-Curve is tricky now? Just try it while trying to peek out through a hole in the pumpkin guts. You can’t. You will cause a 12 car pile-up on the Bay Bridge. Oh and I know you are such a bleeding-bleeping-heart liberal that you will actually get out of your car and try to HELP the victims. Well guess what…that victim? He’s got salmonella. And now, so do you. Congratulations, moron.

4. (I still can’t believe you need 4! You are so verbose, you should be shot.) TV!?! Oh for the love of Glen-Beck-splayed-on-a-cross!!!!! Did it not occur to your tiny, Jim Beam-pickled brain that the FIRST, the absolute, very FIRST thing kids do when they watch TV is throw things!!!????!!!! And what is the first thing they are going to grab? Go ahead, guess … I’ll wait. What’s that? A remote? Sure, maybe, but isn’t there something else … even closer? An old shoe? Of course, I should’ve figured you for a bad housekeeper, no … guess again. Popcorn! Brava, princess! Popcorn. And where do we get popcorn from, Agatha Christie? C-c-c-c- …. Corn. That’s right, Nancy Drew. Corn. And who likes to eat corn, Trixie Belden? No. No. No. No!!!! You’ll never get it, female Bobsey Twin, so I’ll just tell you: Chickens. And what disease do chickens spread? Claw and beak disease, very good Scarecrow and Mrs King! And what else, yes, Miss Marple, that’s right … SALMONELLA!!! But you never even thought of that, did you you bald Charlie’s Angel? No. Moron.

Oh that is it. I’m coming down there. Prepare the back of your head to be punched. Better yet, no, don’t prepare, I want it to be a surprise. You know what, before I punch you, I’m going to treat my hand with Purell. And by Purell, I mean salmonella! Surprise!!!