A guest post from a mama of twins who lives by her own rules and would protect her babies from zombies by using vegetable oil.

*I want to give a big thank you to Jamie. My house is filled with the plague and my hubby and the little hummingbird are hacking up their lungs. I was doing that at the beginning of the week but now I have some kind of raging zombie sinus infection so I asked Jamie if she would mind doing her guest post a little earlier.

My head feels like it’s going to explode so the biggest question I have is if I have a zombie sinus infection and my head goes kaboom!, would I be able to eat my own brains? Did I mention I’m on some awesome pain meds and shouldn’t be allowed to go near a computer? Let’s get to Jamie.

I’m a married mother of 5 month old twins, Clive and Scarlet. I love my babies with all my heart, even though I’m convinced they’re out to turn my hair gray before I reach 30. My mission in life is to drive my husband crazy before he drives me crazy and I’m winning so far.

I’m an amateur blogger with a blog I started just a few weeks ago, Life Is Better With Me In It, and I promise to post more adorable pictures of my babies, because the world needs it.

Q and A with Jamie.

Elle: If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

Jamie: My first instinct was to take the flame thrower but then I figured that I would probably not only burn myself but the entire building I was hiding in, so I’m going with vegetable oil. That way I can just pour it on the ground, they slip and fall, and I run away. Oh and the fact that I won’t burn down the town is just an added bonus.

Elle: If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never had to hear about them again, who would it be?

Jamie: Speidi (if they can share a name they can share a rocket) because I’ve always wanted a parade thrown in my honor and I think that would do it.

Jamie: Definitely the time I was arrested in front of my boyfriend’s house (now known as my in-laws house), taken to jail, and mistaken as a crack whore by the warden. All on the night of my mom’s 40th birthday party bash. Nothing says happy birthday Mom like a midnight jail call!

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Having a degree in Child and Family studies plus being a mom of twins pretty much makes me a parenting expert. Harvard might as well just give me a doctorate.

Children don’t come with instructions. I’ve always hated that line. It’s a sucky thing to say to a first time parent who every time that is said quietly thinks to themselves, no shit. So since no one has come out with instructions I’ve decided to write my own. You’re welcome!

1. I’ve heard many parents say “Give your children plenty of praises” I say don’t. Instead, teach your children to praise you. You’re the one raising them, giving them free stuff. You deserve the most love.

2. Lie to your children to make your life easier. Grandma may have poisoned those cookies so I have to eat them all just in case.

16 Responses to A guest post from a mama of twins who lives by her own rules and would protect her babies from zombies by using vegetable oil.

Hey Jaimie, great post. My favorite is #4. I had a customer today who was sick and didn’t want to get too close to me. I told him that it was ok I have been exposed to more germs pushing around a Wal-Mart cart. Bravo to you being the mama of twins. A good sense of humor will serve you a long way in the road to come.

Abby,
You’ve asked the right person for this advice. A lot of child experts will tell you to take away things like, cell phones, ipods, computers, etc. and not give them back until the teenager behaves. I agree with this to an extent. You should take those items away, but make sure to replace them with electronics from the 90s. Make your teenager carry around a huge 90s cell phone, a walk men (not for CDs the cassette ones), and work on an old computer with dial up speeds. They’ll be so embarrassed they’re walking around looking lame and they’re beloved Facebook won’t load that they’ll never piss you off again.

We’ve got malaria over here…it’s a combo cold/conjunctivitis/ear infection. So fun for all – especially the 5yo and 5mo! I say we team up and sell our germs to the government so they can save the money they are paying to all those chemists for biological warfare…what we’ve got would beat the hell out of anything they come up with!

Great idea with the vegetable oil Jamie! I’ll have to finally cave to my husband’s bizarre desire to buy a vat of it at BJs!

Cheryl,
Great idea of selling your germs to the government!
I highly recommend the vegetable oil idea. Plus it’s super cheap and with the millions you’ll make selling your germs you can just buy a warehouse full of it for the zombie Apocalypse. You and I will need to team up after zombies attack. I’ll have my people call yours.

I am definitely taking this advice to heart. I figure there’s only really one rule; Why worry about messing up your kids? We’re all messed up and doing just fine thank you very much. TV, Junk Food, Rap Music, R rated movies; all of these things fit right in to that one rule.

[…] at Life Is Better With Me In It and first did a guest post back in July where she came up with her own parenting instructions, started doing her parentertaining advice column in September, Ask Jamie, with the first one being […]