Archive for June 15th, 2011

I come from the land of thick, green St. Augustine and sprinkler systems. It was a magical place where you were judged by your lush lawn and seasonal color. But those days are over, folks. Luckily so is the lawn care service bill.

The first time I headed to the country, it was a beautiful April weekend. The green rolling hills, blankets of wildflowers and wildlife lured me to a land I thought was more beautiful than any fancy neighborhood back in the Big City.

Fool that I was. No one bothered to tell me that just below those beautiful native grasses was a bed of rock that only a pick axe could love. And they forgot to mention that water was provided via hurricanes.

As I sit on my porch and gaze out over my two acres of crisp, brown, dead grass in this extreme drought, I decided that since we’re stuck with it, maybe we should laugh about it. Of course, if we all cried, at least we’d get some sort of liquid on our plants.

So here’s my list of 10 things that are great about this horrible, dust bowl, alligator-skin dry summer. I know alligators have dry skin. It was on a TV commercial for lotion.

But I digress, dear reader. Let’s talk drought.

Lawn CareYou never have to mow your lawn because you don’t have one. Occasionally, you may have to Weed Eat the weeds because they grow no matter what. Oh, excuse me, the “native plants” which are really weeds.

WildlifeThe deer are extra healthy as they have a whole new diet this year. They’re dining on anything you planted. Like those lovely plants and flowers on your front porch. Thanks for giving them some variety in their diet.

BugsNo pesky mosquitoes. Last time I was bit by one was October. I miss them so much; I might just fill a bucket with water and let it stand.

AnimalsNo more Chihuahuas. The cracks in the ground here are so big; they simply swallow up small dogs.

Hard WorkSince nothing’s growing in the garden, there’s no canning to be done. And that saves money on jars, lids and slave labor. We’re lucky to have such a lazy summer.

Fresh AirNo need to worry about fresh air. Your whole life is centered around making it from one air conditioner to another. The house is sealed tighter than a drum and you can’t hear the birds sing over the sound of a full-tilt boogie air conditioning compressor.

Media FastYou no longer need to watch the weather on TV. It’s going to be the same, only hotter, for the next 3 months.

Hurricanes as a SportWatching for a hurricane to develop in the Gulf Coast can be fun and nearly as entertaining as the Olympics. In fact, start a Hurricane Pool in your area and bet on what day and time you think it will bring us a slight chance of showers.

Conversation StarterLuckily, you have a built-in issue to complain about: the weather. Everyone, including me, loves to moan and groan over the lack of rain. Who knows, it might be the perfect excuse to meet a man.

Have a Great PartyI am personally inviting all of you over here next Friday night. We’re going to do a gigantic rain dance on my lawn. Bring a dish and bring a bucket of water, too.

We’ll get through this drought, one way or another. It just proves how hearty we Texans are. Now go outside and water something.

Spreading laughter throughout the world…one chuckle at a time. Pray for DDM.