“…Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live.”

Learning more every day…

October 10, 2006

Did you ever try for a long time to solve a problem,
only to get discouraged because you couldn’t find the source? That’s
been my life story. For as long as I can remember, I’ve tried to
make everyone around me like me. I did what I thought they wanted
me to do, said what I thought they wanted me to say, acted like I thought
they wanted me to act – all so they would like/love me. Deep down,
I knew why, but it took me 26 years to acknowledge it and come to grips
with it. You see, my dad left before I was born. Because of that,
a spirit of rejection has hovered over me all my life, before I even drew
my first breath. Over the years, I’ve gone through a lot of phases
– “I want my daddy,” “My dad’s a jerk for leaving,” “I need to find him,”
“Who cares?” and so on. That rejection grafted itself onto my relationships
with others – my mom and grandmom, my whole family (cousins, aunts, uncles,
etc. who haven’t bothered with me since my mom’s funeral), friends (never
feeling like I fit in anywhere), leaders….

As I’ve grown closer to God these past two weeks, God
has made me more aware of the things I need to deal with. This rejection
issue is a big one. Because of my fear of rejection, I’ve lived my
life as a slave to what people think of me, instead of living up to what
God thinks of me. If I continue to live only up to what people think,
I’ll never please everyone. All that matters is that I please God.
This is tough for me, honestly. I want people to like me. But,
if I’m doing what God wants, there will be people that don’t. That
is not easy for me to accept, but I will accept it. If you see me
and I’m trying to please people and not God, please call me on it.
Seriously, let me know – remind me – keep me accountable.

I’m reading a book that Mrs. Wittenberg gave me to read,
called “Ministering Freedom To The Emotionally Wounded.” Chapter
3 talks about “Overcoming Rejection.” I’m learning that there
are four “walls” of rejection….Rejection of God (scary to think
that that’s what I’ve done by putting what people think of me ahead of
what God thinks…), Fear of Rejection, Self-rejection (this
is a big one for me…..) and Rejection of Others (the whole not
getting close to people and being hurt by people thing…..)

Before I get into the “walls” let me tell you what I’m
learning from the book about rejection itself…Rejection means “throwing
away,” “discarding,” or the act of “being denied love.” Wow….discarded……that,
now that I think about it, describes how I’ve felt….cast aside…thrown
away……and, the thing is, as much as I feel rejected/unloved/worthless,
that is how much I am unable to recieve love, whether from God or people.
I mean, I hear when people say they love me but I don’t really take it
in, in my heart.

See, Satan is a liar, a thief and a murderer….he’s a
liar because he tries to convince me that what he is saying (through people)
is true – that I’m worthless, unloved, un-cared-for…….he’s a thief
because, in the Greek, the word for steal is klepto (that’s where
“kleptomaniac” comes from)……the theft isn’t noticed until it’s too
late….he tries to steal my faith, my peace, my joy, my freedom in Christ….He’s
a murder and destroyer because he wants me to give myself over to worthless
pursuits…things that are empty and void of any purpose or plan…..he
destroys (completely ruins) lives and causes regret over things undone
or dreams unpursued…….

But, the great thing is, Jesus is the opposite of all
of that – the antidote, the remedy! He’s Truth personified…..He
restores instead of taking……He rebuilds instead of tearing down…and
that which He rebuilds is beautiful………….He is Life itself! In laying
down His life, He restores life to me.

The Enemy is tricky – he knows that he can only really
make me ineffective is to hit me where it’s most vital – my faith and love…He
makes me self-centered so that I cannot function in the full assurance
and power of my faith. He takes the joy and peace I once knew and
replaces it, over time little by little, with rejection, fear and pain……….

The four “walls” of rejection are:

Rejection of God:
Wow……God says in His word that I’m His child….that I’m made in His
image….that I’m beautiful….anytime I think less of myself than this,
I’m rejecting His word, and by connection, Him….I don’t want to do that
anymore…..

Fear of Rejection: I want everyone to like me.
But, at the same time, I tend to sabotage my relationships. I don’t
keep in touch like I should I get close to someone and then, I pull
back…am I afraid of losing them at some point? Is it that, maybe by being
in control of when the relationship ends, I won’t feel rejected because
it’s me doing the rejection? It’s like a vicious cycle – I try to
run from relationships because I don’t want to risk being hurt…and in
doing so, I feel more rejection…so the next time I have the chance to
enter a relationship, I withdrawl further, adding more percieved rejection….It’s
hard to trust people…I always wonder when they will end up not liking
me for whatever reason, so I just don’t get involved.

Self-Rejection: This is a big one for me.
I’ve always been the “oddball,” the “ugly duckling.” Did you ever
watch Sesame Street when they had the “One of these things just doesn’t
belong here, One of these things just isn’t the same” segments – a group
of things where 3 are similar, but 1 item is really different? I always
felt like the thing that wasn’t the same….out of place….But, to think
that the first sacrifice ever (Gen 3:21) was made so that Adam and Eve
could have a permanent covering for their “shame” reminds me that Jesus’
sacrifice covers me from my hopelssness, worthlessness and worse……

Rejection of Others: A lot of people have hurt
me over the years….some intentionally, some not. It’s hard to let
go of that hurt. I’ve started to….I’ve gotten rid of a lot of it
already (prayer/crying sessions at some middle of the night hour will do
that :-))…..but there still a good bit left that I have to deal with….But,
I have to remember that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.
I may not feel all lovey-dovey towards the people that hurt me, but I can
still choose to forgive them………nad I do……I forgive those that
have hurt me. God, bring people to my mind so that I can forgive them…whether
they accept it or not, whether they acknowledge that they’ve hurt/hindered
me or not, I forgive……..

Father, I want to know you as “Daddy.” I’ve
had glimpses of it….seen it from a distance, but I want to know it in
my heart……I’m sorry that I’ve rejected you. forgive me for not
really truly believing and living in your love. I repent of my pride,
stubbornes and self-will……I reject and renounce the spirit of rejection
that has seemingly overcome me. Help me to live in the promise that
You have overcome the world and all that is in and of it. I refuse
to accept this feeling of rejection any longer. I break any connection
and all agreement with this spirit – any generation bind and ties, I break
those as well…It is only through your authority, power and sacrifice
that I break down these walls of rejection in Jesus’ name!