The crystal ball for 2013

Jerry Wolfrom / Columnist Published: December 27, 2012 1:00 PM

This column is a few days late because I misplaced my crystal ball and had to gaze into the bottom of a Rubbermaid tub to make my annual predictions for the coming New Year. Despite a few problems, it looks like 2013 will be a bang-up year. Let's get started.

WASHINGTON - The world will be surprised in February when the president sends emissaries around the world to try to build some good will from America. Hillary Clinton will go to Paris, former president Jimmy Carter will travel to Siberia, Al Sharpton will fly to Iceland, Nancy Pelosi will head for Timbucktu, and Whoopi Goldberg has been assigned to Mongolia. Another former president will make a surprise visit to the Bunny Ranch near Reno.

SACRAMENTO - It'll be full steam ahead for the California State Legislature, which will restore English in schools there. To offset the expected criticism, the Mexican Jumping Bean will be named the state vegetable, and marijuana the state flower. The governor will also attempt to restore democracy by launching a massive search for Weapons of Mass Destruction that include Barbra Steisand, George Soros, Arianna Huffington, and Sean Penn.

CHICAGO -- Some 24 more Illinois politicians will be sent to prison for corruption. "We believe our state holds the record for the most politicians behind bars," Mayor Rahm Emmnuel boasted.

DALLAS - Agricultural officials will be stunned in March to see a large Holstein cow wandering in a downtown park munching on potato chips, drinking beer, and smoking a cigarette. "This is obviously a mad cow," inspectors will say. Within hours Dallas jokesters will be on the street selling T-shirts saying: "Better to Have a Mad Cow in Texas Than a Mad Democrat in the White House."

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BAGHDAD - Iraqis will rejoice late in the year when coalition forces depart the country, leaving behind a million sealed barrels. But the barrels won't contain oil, rather "The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous."

BEIJING - Early Olympic tryouts will be a huge success with only one angry team. Women weight-lifters will complain, "We were told that this event would be drug-free. We couldn't find free drugs anywhere."

NEW YORK - Dozens of major U.S. companies in July will move their entire operations to India, taking some 12 million jobs with them. At the same time, Mexico will send 12 million illegals to the United States.

HINDUSTAN -- After surviving 10 more assassination attempts, the president of Pakistan will decide in September that someone is out to get him. He will step down from the presidency as soon as he figures out what he's doing there in the first place.

SOMEWHERE IN AN UPSCALE HOTEL IN TAHATI -- While on vacation, Michelle Obama will announce that she will be a candidate for president in 2016.