Overcoming PTSD and Self-Injury Through Yoga

We can just add this to the long list of things that have fallen out of my mouth accidentally. I had just gotten out of the shower, and was standing in my nice, warm, steamy bathroom, brushing my teeth, when my husband walked in, naked, to take his shower. What I should’ve said, and really where I was going with that, was, “Is it really cold in our bedroom?” But, like most days, I didn’t think before I opened my mouth.

The principles of BF Skinner teach us that there are consequences for everything in life. Sometimes these are positive and sometimes they aren’t. In this particular instance, as you can imagine, the consequences were not positive. Now you might be thinking that there’s no way my husband had sex with me after I made a comment about his dick. Shockingly, he did decide to still have sex with me. However, the consequences of my comment meant losing the two O’s (oral and oragasms). Without at least one of the O’s, it becomes all about him. Without the O’s, I become an object to him – just a hole to stick it in. It also means kissing and any sort of “emotional” experience is ripped from me.

When sex is like that, it’s a constant fight between the past and the present in my head. My mind teeters on the edge of a flashback. Images from my childhood flicker as I try to practice mindfulness. Counting and staying grounded, I try to cling to the present. It’s a whole new meaning behind the phrase “sex is a chore.” It is literally so much work for me to stay present during this kind of sex, that I’m left feeling just as mentally exhausted as I do after my most challenging trauma sessions. The negative voice in my head tells me that is what I get for not thinking before speaking. However, the rational voice in my head reminds me that I need to eventually feel safe enough to talk to my husband about what sex is like for me, as someone who has a history of childhood sexual abuse. ﻿

Progress not perfection.

Lesson learned: don’t make a comment about your husband’s dick being small…even if it’s because it’s cold.

PS: His dick isn’t normally small, which is why I was so caught off guard…leading to the word vomit. Also, he would totally kill me for posting about this 😳