Stop Shaming Women for Spending Money

Here are some things women can spend money on without being called out: items for their children or husband, or items that they will literally die without.

Here are some things women will be shamed for spending money on: pretty much anything that is for their personal pleasure.

The cost of the items they’re buying doesn’t matter. Women get shamed for shopping whether they’re rich or poor.

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Talia Jane remarked in a recent New York Post piece that, after she wrote about how her CEO was not paying employees enough to buy food, “Michelle Malkin at the National Review took note of a $6 face scrub I had posted on Instagram, saying I was ‘indulging in a spa day with a fashionable face mask.’”

“Women get shamed for shopping whether they’re rich or poor.”

If this is what happens when you post a $6 face mask, woe be unto the woman who posts an item that most people can’t afford. Louise Linton gets more flak for posting an expensive outfit on Instagram than her husband Steve Mnuchin gets for making comments that actually destabilize the market.

To be fair, it’s understandable to be upset that someone can afford an expensive outfit when you can’t afford rent. Jealousy about someone else’s good financial fortune is not irrational in an age of great wealth disparity. But it’s not understandable that the ire for shopping almost always falls upon women, not men.

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As Sady Doyle points out, “When Hillary Clinton gets a $600 haircut, she’s an out-of-touch narcissist. But Donald Trump can literally coat his entire home in gold and still be taken for a man of the people.”

Men certainly don’t seem ashamed to show off, for instance, the thousand dollar watches they bought. Meanwhile women are pilloried for spending the same amount on a handbag. Corporettenotes regarding a young woman carrying an expensive handbag: “For some reason, while both a fancy handbag and a large engagement ring can send vibes of ‘I’m rich, materialistic, and show-offy,’ we’ve never really gotten those vibes from a good watch—particularly one lacking bling.”

Huh. I wonder if it has anything to do with the gender of people who wear watches versus those carrying handbags.

“If nothing a woman spends money on can seem to be right, nothing a man spends money on can seem to be wrong.”

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People are currently thrilled that Elon Musk just shot a $200,000 car into space. A $200,000 car. In space for—forgive me dudes who will contact me to tell me about how important this is because they think it’s cool— no real essential reason other than Elon Musk wanting to get attention for his company. (In a statement, he called the project “silly and fun.”) Look, that’s Elon Musk’s car and he can do whatever he wants with it. I guess this is a neat move if you love potentially confusing aliens who find this car. But acclaim for this feels like proof that if nothing a woman spends money on can seem to be right, nothing a man spends money on can seem to be wrong.

Part of this has to do with the fact that when men spend money, it’s generally assumed they worked hard for it. When women spend money, it’s often assumed that the money came from their husband or their father. A woman wearing an expensive outfit married to someone successful will often be called a gold-digger, regardless of her personal income. Meanwhile, a man wearing an expensive suit standing next to a successful woman will be called… well, there is no common male equivalent to the term gold-digger.

We even criticize women who explain the exact source of their funds. Just look at Money Diaries over at Refinery 29. The New Yorkernotes that the column suggests “that money may be the last arena in which we’re allowed to judge others openly.” At least, when it comes to women. The diaries are filled with patronizing comments berating the women sharing their spending habits like, “I live and work in Chelsea [sic] and I wouldn’t dare waste like this. Esp on that salary. Try reevaluating doll :).”

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“When women spend money, it’s often assumed that the money came from their husband or their father.”

In an age where people at least seem to be beginning to understand that monitoring what a woman eats is stupid (though not so long ago you would find comments on diaries of what women ate not so different from the ones on what they spend), monitoring what a woman spends her money on represents a new, sophisticated way of infantilizing women and reminding them that they’re too silly to know what is good for them. And that you, personally, could lead their lives better.

In the same way women competed (and, alas, sometimes still compete) to see who could eat less and be thinner, until consuming any solid food at all was seen as indulgent, now we have to compete to see who can spend almost nothing.

When I read diaries where women talk about spending almost nothing (like this one where the author only pays bills and buys food for six months) that contain lines like:

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The last six months have made me happier but that’s not to say I don’t miss lots of things. From small things like buying flowers to big things like my family. My dad and granddad live in Ireland and I miss them a lot. I haven’t been able to see my mum, sister and brother as much as I’d like either as they live miles away

I just feel sad. I don’t read stories like these and think about how thrilling this self-denial is. I just think about how it must have been sad for the writer not to see their family for a long time. Family won’t be around forever, and any societal pressure to not buy a plane ticket you can afford to see your dad and grand-dad seems really dumb.

Especially because it’s inevitably pronounced that these women still haven’t been frugal enough. These articles receive comments like “But do you have a TV and phone? Decorations and so on?” and “Other than bills and food…I stopped reading after I found this. I haven’t bought anything for over a year, nothing special about it.”

“Monitoring what a woman spends her money on represents a new, sophisticated way of infantilizing women.”

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These comments show people will not be happy until women are wearing sackcloth and refusing any sustenance but the raindrops that fall into their open mouths. And there will still be someone who feels a need to leave a comment saying that the sackcloth is decadent.

These comments are not coming from a smart, progressive place. They’re coming from a really old-fashioned place. They’re coming from the same place where female pleasure has always been seen as an enemy, whether it’s women enjoying sex, or food, or beautiful objects.

But it’s not selfish to want pleasure. Life is so hard. It’s so hard for everyone. Everyone— rich, poor, male, female—deserves to be able to buy some things just because those things are beautiful and make them happy. I don’t care if it’s a bundle of flowers or a plane ticket or a million dollar painting—if you can afford it, and it brings you a bit of joy, there is no reason to feel ashamed.

“If you can afford it, and it brings you a bit of joy, there is no reason to feel ashamed.”

Wanting a world where everyone can do that to some extent is great. Yelling at women for taking pleasure in the occasional purchase is not.

One day, after all, you will be dead. Then you be in the ground. You buy no more flowers or pretty dresses, you will take no more vacations, or spend money on anything else. So if there is something will brighten your day, do it now. Defy death. Revel in this brief moment, here, in this world full of intermittent beauty. I guess what I’m saying is: Treat yo self.