Monday, August 22, 2011

Crazy Tragic Sometimes Beautiful Life

So since I love to write.... and its the only way I sometimes manage to get things out I have decided to start blogging... With this though I will not be telling my friends or family ... well maybe sometime... but this is just a good way for this girl right here to clear her head and say whatever I need to. Moving out to Colorado 4 years ago with my ex-boyfriend was probably one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. Not only did I move to this beautiful state with so much to do and meet some of the best people I know, and loose weight because I am more active I changed. With this being said one of the worst things happening to me when I moved out here was also I changed. Through this change I lost one of the best things to ever happen to me, the whole reason I moved out here... the man I loved, and to this day just can't stop thinking I am in love with him. Its been over two years now since we've broke up and I have been in other relationships, but its just hard for me for some reason to move on. I know it was all my fault for the break up and not going to get into that and relive it, but it was. We still keep in touch and see each other probably about once a month to grab a bite to eat. And I know I need to move on but its hard for some reason, probably because he has been on of the only people in my life who has truly understood and known me ... for who I was and what I am, and loved me anyway. Well enough about that... lets talk about something else.I am so glad to be in school again where I am getting a 4.0 GPA. But often wonder why it took so long for me to finally find something I liked doing. I am 27 years old and always thought at this time in my life I would have a job I liked, be married, have a kid, own a house. But nope I feel now like I wasted the last few years, and lots of money on such dumb things. But I am glad I now know what I want to do and am accomplishing it. I live with my best friend and her boyfriend and all of our dogs. Mine being Riley who is an amazing dog, and makes me feel wanted! It's just nice coming home and having him great me at the door! makes me smile. This house is great... walk in closet... nice kitchen... dog door... good location... and living with my best friend. She's amazing has helped me through so much and we are like sisters more then friends we fight.. have our ups and downs... and will always have each others backs. The only problem is living here sometimes makes me feel lonely. I know I have a dog and I am around people and other dogs, but living with a couple sometimes especially when you are single can be so hard. I mean I love them both, but sometimes when you are all hanging out and watching a movie or just chilling it sometimes is hard when people are cuddling and being all couply and your not. It makes me miss being in a relationship. And I feel bad because it gets hard for me sometimes hanging out lately. I mean I am happy in my life ... but lately I have just been really down... I did just get a gym membership again which is awesome because working out makes me feel good. Or even taking Riley on a hike also makes me happy. I think I just get depressed and like to be by myself sometimes lately just more often. I feel in my life I have said I love you to 4 guys but only really meant it once I think. Well I know. And he is the one reason why I feel like I don't mean it for anyone else. I know I know there is someone else out there for me... and I have other things going on to not need to worry about that. But is it wrong I do ... Is it wrong that I am that girl who wants to be married to her prince charming .. a guy that loves me with all his heart and everyone knows. A man that treats me with the up most respect... and helps me and listens to me.. and just loves me for me. I know i know why worry about this when I am in school and doing well and have friends that love me. Well I dunno... i just dunno... I want to just find the one.... and one day my prince will come around... for now ill just keep blogging and doing well in school.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y