When we haul Iraqi prisoners, for example, out in the courtyard and line them up for a firing squad and the sound of the unloaded weapon’s firing pin clicking is the last thing they hear before they wet their pants, that’s called “torture”.

When God does it, it’s called “testing Abraham’s faith”.

How did Abe explain that later to the kid? “Hey Dad, remember that time we went camping when I was a kid? I woke up and you were holding a knife over my head. You were weeping and talking to your invisible imaginary friend. What was up with that?”

“Uh, er, (mumbles) godtoldmetokillyou.”

“Do what now?”

“God told me to kill you or I was going to get it. But at the last minute he changed his mind or something.”

Leave it to the public radio asshole to bring existentialist philosophy into the conversation. Don’t know if you’ve ever read Kierkegaard, but he had quite an obsession with ol’ Abe. It’s been a while since I read it, and I don’t remember which of his books it was in, but his question was: what exactly was in Abraham’s mind at the time of the near-sacrifice? Did he intend to go through with it on God’s orders or did he believe that it was a test of his faith and that God would stop him? If he believed he would be stopped and didn’t really intend to go through with it, then he was faithless and hardly deserving to be patriarch of three major religions. On the other hand, if he did intend to do it, he had murderous intent, and a murderer would also be unfit to be the patriarch of three religions. So according to Kierkegaard, either way Abe was a scumbag and God made a serious blunder in choosing him.

Katherine, I need you in my corner. Please “trouble” us with your serious answer.

I’ve tried. I’ve had the same conversation with this dude (ie. your husband) for like 2+ years now, and he just doesn’t jive with the whole mysticism of it.

Clown rapist?

I thought that was Victor French.

Hah! That “Old DanTucker” song was tiresome. But, no. I’m talking the two-parter where Albert is in love with some crazy chick …oh hell. Why am I going to the trouble? Surely some other person has already summed it up. This is the frakkin’ internet.

I’ll never give up, Katherine. I have the “God of patience and comfort” on my side. I need both patience and comfort when dealing with “this dude” (i.e. my husband) and his viewpoint on religion. Other than that, life with Sarcastro is a breeze.

Mrs. Sarcastro…take it from your Sista….when it comes to husband types and matters of the spiritual, I have found through the years that the advice a former pastor gave me years ago in regards to my heathen husband was quite sound…Love him and don’t nag him about it. (Not that you nag him) Now Mr. Smiff was never an atheist or agnostic but his view of the Good Lord and biblical matters is WAY different than it was 15 years ago. I doubt he’ll ever be Deacon of the Week or be a regular in Sunday School, but, he has come to know and understand why Jesus is so important to me and in turn, has become important to him. I never beat him over the head with it (or anybody else) but I do my thing and something about it has rubbed off and in the process, we both have grown (stop rolling your eyes, Sarcastro) spiritually and together.

Is a clown rapist some who dresses as a clown and rapes people, or a rapist who specializes in clowns?

I don’t remember either of those episodes. The one I remember is Albert getting addicted to morphine and puking while he’s going cold turkey. They weren’t subtle about the puke, either. Albert was harking up big white balls of the stuff.