LOS ANGELES--Rather than miss any
more games due to religious holidays, the Dodgers’ Shawn Green
has announced that he will wear his hilarious little Jewish hat instead
of his baseball cap to the remaining regular season games. The goofy
little yarmulke thingy is part of traditional Hebrew garb and will give
Green a way to pay respect to his religion without interfering with
the team’s pennant race. Green’s teammates have come out
in full support of him wearing the hat.

“Oh, I love that funny little hat,” said third baseman Adrian
Beltre. “It is so funny looking I laugh every time I see it. It
really provides comic relief and keeps the clubhouse loose. I never
saw Shawn as a clubhouse cutup, but I guess he’s trying to take
on that role.”

Manager Jim Tracy credited Green with keeping the team’s spirits
up during a difficult and grueling stretch run.

“Anytime we’re feeling tense or anything, Shawn walks in
the room with that hat on and everyone just lets out a big belly laugh,”
said Tracy. “What a card he is. He reminds me of my college roommate,
Mohammed. He used to walk around with a tablecloth on his head. We would
say ‘Tablecloths are for putting food on, you clown!’ And
then he would fake like he was mad and we’d all get a good laugh
out of it.”

Green says that the funny hat is not meant to be funny at all. It is
an ancient symbol of the Jewish faith that millions of people hold sacred.
He has asked his teammates several times to refrain from poking fun
at him, but to no avail.

“They don’t seem to get it. They think I’m joking
around, but I’m really not,” said Green. “This is
something I feel very strongly about. I do not take my faith lightly.
When I wear my yarmulke, I am expressing my love for God and my commitment
to my religious beliefs. I would appreciate if people would stop laughing
at me. That would be like me laughing at [Adrian] Beltre’s bizarre
voodoo rituals. No, wait a minute. I’m thinking of Pedro Cerrano
from Major League.”

Some of the veterans on the Dodgers pointed out that the team has never
had a bona fide“class clown” on its roster. But Green’s
wacky antics have drawn comparison to some of baseball’s most
lovable funnymen.

“I’ve heard a lot of stories about guys like Bob Uecker,
Roger McDowell, and Bert Blyleven, and now I think we can add another
name to the list,” said pitcher Darren Dreifort. “Some guys
like to use whoopee cushions, some guys like to shake your hand with
those buzzer things, and some guys like to hide your clothes on you.
But when Shawn walks in with that foolish white thing on his head, it
just sends me into hysterics. It’s better than the old ‘pie-in-the-face’
routine. It’s even better than the old ‘piss-in-the-face’
routine, which isn’t saying much.”

Even sportscasters have enjoyed some hearty guffaws at the expense of
Green’s taste in headwear. Chris Berman has already dubbed him
Shawn “Goofy” Green.

“And coming up to the plate, it’s Shawn ‘Goofy’
Green!’” shouted Berman, while doing a game recap on Sportscenter.
“He’s got his gay little hat on, it’s the bottom of
the sixth, the 3-2 pitch and it’s back back back gone! Green does
it again! That hat must be giving him super powers!”

Even the Dodgers fans are saluting Green’s new hat, as yarmulkes
have become all the rage at Dodger stadium. Green has his own special
section of fans called the “Green Crew.” Every home game
the Green Crew takes their place in the right field bleachers and cheers
on their hero.

“We are the Green Crew and we love Shawn Green!” yelled
13-year-old Samantha Wheeler, sporting her own white yarmulke. “He
is sooo cute and he looks so funny in that hat. I just love coming to
the games and cheering him on with my Jew hat. I never realized that
Jewish people were so funny. Hee hee. I think I wanna convert.”

“Oh yea, the Green Crew,” said Green. “I see them
at the games sometimes. They’re um…their hearts are in the
right place I guess. It’s nice that they recognize me and route
for me like that. And I guess it’s nice that I’m able to
make them laugh. And I guess this is raising awareness for Judaism.
But still, it hurts to be laughed at for something that you hold so
dear. It’s just an article of clothing. It shouldn’t be
subject to such ridicule. And to think, I considered wearing my floor
length prayer shawl the other day for the Giants game.”

This article is satire and is not intended as actual
news. Copyright 2004, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission