Prognosis

Tailspin,
your words are falling flat
interpretations feeling new
you balk, insist I’m off the mark
finding meaning where there’s none
but I remember words and phrases
facial expressions, contexts, moments
backtracking and turning faces
does nothing for your current case
I might seem cruel, sometimes I question
but instinct seems to take me over
Now numb to variables of your equation
I’m scared of being too complacent

*********************

How many times have they called me,
texted – saying your temper had flared up too much again, your road rage had scared them all again, you said something off the wall inappropriate again, or that time you ran over a stick backing out the drive? You freaked the fuck out and smashed it to pieces, I watched you in shock take them all to school, knowing I couldn’t do much about it. You’d never laid hands on them, I could justify, but even that wasn’t entirely true… moments of borderline aggression flash and I remember justifying those too. You’re not a violent person, I know you aren’t, just a road rager that throws mini tantrums and triggers the kids out of bounds at times. They know I’m the momma bear and will protect them, but now I’m wondering if I really did. Either way, you’ve turned the tables now.

She was the one that lunged at me, this time I lost count and I’d had enough. Her spiteful words for a past I didn’t heap on her, screaming and cursing her vitriol. I defended myself and briefly restrained her. A course of events ensued over weeks where she felt a fulfilling of prophecy that she was unloved and unwanted. She had stopped taking pills and started plans.

We rushed to help her, took her to the ER, you were so supportive and wonderful then, I thought we were on the same page, I thought we were going through an awful time as supportive partners, but the tide shifted, and quickly. You expressed upset at the interaction, and I don’t blame you, but she was the violent one toward me many times prior, traumatizing the other kids at each indicence, erratic and provoked far too easily, she was there for a purpose yet somewhere inside you were partially blaming me.

Me: One unfortunate incident that all of the counselors understood based on context, that I’m not eager to ever repeat.

vs.

Your overall tempermental ways, that you seem to justify or minimize.

And yet you’ve attempted emotional and physical barriers between me and ‘A’. You attempted to be good cop and make me out to be bad cop, but this dynamic won’t happen. It’s unacceptable, yet when we talk about it you just say I’m being “indulgent”, and turn the attention away from my feelings. I’m trying to understand yours, but based on these comparisons and how many times I’ve explained away your behavior (for the sake of the family, I guess), I won’t be made to feel like a shield needs to be up between me and my own niece, but that’s how you made me feel, with your words, body language and actions.

Since she’s been home and stabilized back on her meds and learned more coping skills, her and I have been able to come a long way with our communication, and most of all she just needs a little bit of extra attention, based on the abyss that is the loss of all motherly figures in her life henceforth. I’m always willing to work when it’s necessary for the growth of my family, but I have to be behind the cause.

Can I continue to be behind ours when we can hardly have a conversation anymore, and when the dynamics between you and I, and even between children seem so unequal?