So I met this gorgeous guy at the grocery story when I was buying rice. He walked up to me, asked me if I was a vegetarian ( I guess because I was buying rice) and told me that he wanted to take me out. We exchanged information and set up a date about two weeks later.

At the time, I was tutoring two students in the Bronx so instead of meeting at my place, which never happens on the first date, we met in front of the Macy’s in Parkchester. So this dude shows up 45 mins late for starters. He did apologize, so I guess that was supposed to make it alright. He got stuck at work he said. He was a physical therapist.

He asked me if I’ve ever been to The Bronx’s Little Italy and I told him no. He said that’s were we are going. At that moment I thought he started to redeem himself. He hailed a cab and we got in. Shortly after, however, the short lived feeling of forgiveness quickly faded away.

As we set in the cab talking, I noticed he was looking over his shoulders very aggressively and abruptly. I tried to ignore it at first but then I had to ask.

“Is everything okay? Are we being followed or something?”

“No,” he replied, “I just like to be aware of whats going on around me.”

Um okay? What!

“I like to be aware too,” I said “but I don’t see a need to be consistently looking.”

He kind of brushed me off and looked over his shoulders a little less but still way to much. We eventually arrived at Little Italy. When we got to Arthur Avenue, the cab driver asked where he wanted to go. He said that he can’t remember the restaurant that he went to before, but he knew it has a brick oven. We got to a place that he “thought” he remembered and the cab driver let us out.

Since he couldn’t really remember where this restaurant was, we ended up going up and down the street looking in restaurant windows for a visible brick oven. We eventually each took one side of the street to cover more ground efficiently, (my idea if course). Every time I saw a brick oven he would run across and let me know if this was the place. Eventually he found the “restaurant” that turned out to be a pizza joint. With booths and everything.

He walks up to the guy behind the counter and asks- “Do you put egg in your crust?”

The worker replies, “Yes, we do.”

My date replies, “Ahhhhh, so that why I got the runs last time I came here.”

At this point, I knew that this date was no more than a single journal entry. After all of that we ended up leaving the pizza joint in search of a other pizza joints who didn’t partake in the practice of adding egg to their pizza dough.

Again, we walk up and down the street asking pizza shop after pizza shop the now infamous question, “Do you put egg in your dough?” By this time, I am starving. I basically say to him: I don’t care what we eat, my only limitations are fast food and chinese food and at this point I’d even be open to chinese food to be honest.

He says, “Isn’t there a fruit stand near your place that we can just get some fruit and veggies and go to your place and chill?”

“Yeah, no, thats not an option.” I replied.

He said, “I mean we’ve been walking around for a minute and you know I’m vegan so I can’t really eat everything like that.”

I was lost. Wasn’t he the one who planed this date?

Anyways, he thought I lived by Pelham Parkway and asked if I knew of any spots there. I didn’t but at this point I’m like lets go. He said, “Well I don’t have any more cab money if we’re gonna eat.”

I said, “I don’t care, we can talk the bus, its coming right now.”

“Oh I don’t have a metrocard.” He responded.

“Ok” I said, “we can walk.”

As we walked across the highway, from Arthur Avenue to White Plains Road, I thank God I did not wear heals. But according to my date- I guess I should have been thanking him. This dude told me he was God’s son and I don’t mean like we are all children of God. I mean like he and Jesus are brothers… He tells me about a time when he is siting in heaven with his “Father God” and a knock on the door comes. The gate keepers comes and informs him that someone is at the door. There is a man with an army trying to enter the “kingdom” but could give him a good reason why he should be let in. So after numerous failed attempts at offering something beneficial to the “kingdom,” my date, God’s son, decides to open the ground beneath the man and his army and they all dropped into the ground.

He also told me that his Father blessed him with 999 so that he could be one up on the devils 666. Yes- you can’t make this stuff up!

Luckily, as we headed south on White Plains Road, we found a pizza joint that had eggless pizza dough. Hallelujah!

He orders his cheese-less veggie pizza and I order a lasagna. As it is cooking and while we are eating, he continues to share his stories of the “kingdom” with me and does this through an ongoing soliloquy state. I stare at him thinking what a waste… All that crazy in such a cute package.

His soliloquy trance was finally broken by an Asian lady selling bootleg DVD’s. I think he brought Happy Feet and two others- as he had his daughter the upcoming weekend. As soon as the lady left though, he went back into this “soliloquic” trance. I just ate and listened. When the date was over he gave me a hug and told me he had a great time and couldn’t wait to do this again.

I mustered up a smile– Just grateful this crazy man did not know where I lived.

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