Confession

For the past two weeks I have been counting calories. As someone with a history of an eating disorder this can be a dangerous thing. For this very reason, as a rule, I don’t count calories. But two weeks ago I realized I would not be returning to running as quickly as I expected and I began to doubt my body’s ability to get back to its pre-pregnancy weight without my normal activity level. I decided to “help” things along by starting to track what I ate and the calories I burned during exercise. I told myself I’d do it for a few days to “get an idea” of how many calories I was eating per day. A few days turned into a week, which turned into two weeks, which became a preoccupation. And from my experience, whenever my mind is preoccupied with something it leads to obsession, obsession to compulsion, compulsion to addiction.

I stopped tracking calories this weekend, but those two weeks of trying to “help” my body along were not without consequences. One of the first things that changed when I started counted calories was that I stopped eating intuitively. Instead of reaching for the food that I wanted to eat, I reached for the one with the least calories for the most volume. And because I wasn’t eating what I wanted, when I wanted I always had a constant “craving” feeling. At other times I would eat not because I was hungry but because I had xxx calories remaining to “use.” I was out of tune with my body, relying on the numbers, and not what my body needed.

And because I was “out of tune” with my body I actually gained weight, four extra pounds that weren’t there before. Even though I am free of the obsession and behavior of both anorexia and bulimia, there are times when the old way of thinking rears its ugly head. I suppose you could argue that if were more mature in my recovery I would not have started counting calories when the idea presented itself two weeks ago. But in some ways these past two weeks have been a good reminder that the old way of doing things–that old self that was so obsessed, unhappy: addicted–that self is not one I want to return to.

Have you struggled with postpartum weight loss? How did you deal with the negative emotions associated with the added weight?

–Sarah

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First off, thanks so much for being honest with what you are going through. I feel like I read lots of blogs and people are like, “I’m amazing, look at my 4 week picture, I don’t have a belly, I’m awesome.” And, it sends the wrong message. And, it makes me feel bad about my body because at 7 months postpartum, I’m still dealing with a loose tire around my middle. Whenever, I start to feel bad about my body, I try and remember the little nugget that I had that didn’t make it here. It brings prospective to the situation. Love ya!

Honesty is the one thing that keeps me “safe” from the evils of my past. Accountability is so key, that’s why I appreciate our friendship so much! We can be honest about everything:) And I think all those belly photos are so specific to each individual, the picture I posted a few weeks back of my postpartum belly (which to me was equal to my 6mo pregnant belly) might look to someone else like their goal weight. You never know. Everyone is so different.

I think we all have the tendency to fall into this…The fact that after 2 weeks, you noticed what you were doing and had the ability to stop says a lot about where you are right now in terms of recovery. So don’t get down on yourself about it!
Post partum weight loss / body image is different for every female. For me, my “trouble” area has never been my stomach. Without doing anything, my stomach was back to almost pre-pregnancy shape and muscle tone within weeks. BUT, pregnancy affected different parts of me – my thighs and butt are NO where near where they were pre-pregnancy. Those have always been the areas that I see weight gain first. I’ve learned to embrace and be proud of the parts that I can and learn to accept the other parts as beautiful side affects of having a baby. From the pictures I’ve seen of you, you look amazing – fit and in shape. Who cares if the scale says that you are a few pounds more than you were before having Jack?? =) You are beautiful.

Thanks for the encouragement! We are total opposites, my stomach is totally my ‘weight gain area’ and my thighs and butt didn’t change much. I’m fitting into all my pre-pregnancy pants but with some serious muffin-top action! HA! And I know that probably half of those few extra pounds are in my boobs, which are three times the size they normally are!

Postpartum weight is the most common complaint I get from my patients. Just know you are doing aloof the right things, eating well, breastfeeding (burns mega energy, so you need lots of energy through clean food) and moderate exercise. While breastfeeding your body has the extra fluid and tissue volume of the breasts and an increased blood volume, so if you’re just a few pounds over your prepregancy weight, you may actually be less 🙂

This is so true and something I think a lot of women forget. Even though we’re done with pregnancy, labor and delivery we are still nourishing a little baby so our body is still not our own:) And of course our body probably wants to hang onto the extra fat because of it.

For those of us who have struggled with an eating disorder…heck just body issues…it’s something that will follow you always (at least it has me!) BUT like you’ve mentioned before, it’s how you handle those demons (battling them with truth not lies) that will win the day! I haven’t had our baby yet, but I already FEAR the weight gain and loosing weight afterwards. The pressure to get it off quickly, to be a hot mama, to be in shape, heck to just have a different body than I had before! But if this pregnancy has taught me anything already its that for this period in my life my body is not mine and it’s serving a purpose… carrying a life! So while of course it’s good to be healthy, look good for our husbands and in general take care of ourselves, reminding myself what my job is right now, is always helpful to keep me from beating myself up about anything weight related. And I’m with runningmama:) You look amazing!

There is definitely pressure out there, both external and self-imposed. It can be a challenge to silence both those voices that tell us that we aren’t good enough. But if you think of it: we are all in the same boat. All women seem to struggle in some way to accept their body, baby or not. I think the more honest we can be with each other the more we can encourage and support each other! Thanks for you encouragement!

I do not have children, but I would like to in the very near future. I’m just terrified of gaining and then losing the weight (will I be able too lose? will I go bonkers and gain a bunch of weight during pregnancy? etc…). I really enjoy reading your blog – thank you for your honesty. My counselor has been encouraging me to read “Intuitive Eating” and start moving away from diets and toward eating intuitively. It just seems too hard to do!

I was just like you before I had my first baby. I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to lose the weight or that I would just go back to my old obsessive ways. But with my first pregnancy I found a way to take the pressure off myself and just accept what was going on with my body, both during pregnancy and after. I accepted the weight gain and put no time frame on my weight loss afterwards. I’m not sure why I allowed the pressure to come back with this pregnancy, probably because I set the expectation out there to run a PR marathon in the spring (I’ve since revised that goal). That little bit of pressure has affected me in more ways than I thought.
As for intuitive eating it took me a while (1-2 years) to “get it.” And it involved some weight gain at first, but once I started to be in tune with my body things seemed to even out and I ended up weighing less. It takes a lot of practice, a lot of doing over, a lot of trying. Keep at it!

Love the genuine perspective! I’m not a runner, but I found that the weight came off easier with the 2nd. You’re going to be more “on the go” with 2 than 1, even if you aren’t running for a while. I recently figured out that pushing the stroller with both kids on it meant I was pushing 85+ lbs around town! The thing that made me feel happiest post-partum was finding one or two new clothing items that looked good on me. I felt better about myself, more hopeful, and that meant I took better care of myself… which contributed to losing weight faster. Also, not being about to get out of the house and buy junk food didn’t hurt either! 🙂

Anna, I love your idea of buying one or two new items that look good. Today I decided instead of trying to make my still-too-tight pre-pregnancy jeans “work” that I was going to get dressed in something that made me “feel beautiful.” It’s amazing how little things like that can change your perspective and attitude (plus a good nights sleep doesn’t hurt:-) Sometimes its a good idea to get out of the yoga pants and t-shirt and into something more “adult.”

I’m only 18 weeks along but I love reading your honest blog posts they really shed light into what a REAL woman goes through especially one that has dealt with eating disorders and negative self image. My goal is to carry my healthy eating patterns into postpartum rather than revert to my old “methods” of weight loss. Reading your blog is helping me keep a healthy perspective on that and not get caught up in the thoughts of having to be perfect the second this little guy is born. So I just wanted to say thanks for sharing I know it’s not easy and stay strong you are beautiful and smart you’ll get through this.

Carissa, thanks so much for you kind words and encouragement. I think you’re so right in not wanting to get “caught up in being perfect” right after your little guy is born. During my first pregnancy I was way more relaxed and gracious with myself post-partum. I didn’t put any timelines on my weight loss or running or racing. This time around I set the goal or running a PR spring marathon and I think that put the pressure on in all the other areas too. I’ve since revised that goal because it was stressing me out. And when I think about it I didn’t start running seriously and setting racing goals until my daughter Sophia was 10 months old. And it was at the year mark (when I stopped breastfeeding) that my baby weight started coming off like crazy as I ramped up my training. A year seems like a long time when you’re staring down at the fluff that’s left around your middle after delivery, but the first year of your baby’s life goes by like a flash!

I shared and I twitted your post on my facebook professionnal page and twitter. Thank you so much for this post. I’m sure it’s helping a lot of women out there. The way I see it (it’s my first reading… I didn’t follow you before, maybe you wrote something on this…), you were able to stop yourself after two weeks of counting- instead of going back into bulimia… This is very good ! You look like you have a lot of knowledge on the intuitive eating concepts, that’s very good too ! Maybe a few consults could help with deal with your body image issues ? Don’t hesitate to call a psychotherapist trained in ED/body image issue to help you deal with all of this.

Marie, thanks so much for reading and sharing my post. I’ve dealt with anorexia and bulimia (I describe my story in detail in my “About Me” section of my blog). I’ve been “sober” now for three and half years. Being free of the behavior and obsession is amazing, but I still do deal with body image issues (although benign compared with the extremes I have been at). I do have to look at the positives, I don’t have any desire whatsoever to resume the bulimic behavior or to restrict my food intake to the point of starvation. But in the case of pregnancy weight gain it still can be a struggle to accept my body for what it is right now, even though I know that once I resume my normal activities and once I stop breastfeeding my body will go back to “normal.”