You Could Steal A Lot In The Time It Takes To Read This 7-Eleven Anti-Shoplifting Sign (But It’s Worth It)

Usually, the signs you see posted at stores intended to identify, shame and/or deter known shoplifters are nothing more than a Polaroid with a name, maybe height and age. But this poster at a 7-Eleven store takes shaming up a notch, and introduces us to our new favorite phrase “sub sandwich erection.”

The photos, complete with helpful arrows, show what looks like a young man in the process of shoplifting things from the store, perhaps in cahoots with the woman he’s talking to. The text, available below for those who having trouble with the image, is just plain ol’ good reading, especially for those of us who have worked in stores and watched people make feeble attempts at walking out with product down their trousers.

Here is the text (we’ve bolded our favorite parts):

So this guy in yellow goes to the candy aisle and picks up a Reese Stick. Walks over to another aisle and tries to shove it down his shorts. He walks over to his girlfriend (?) and she is holding chocolate milk. He puts back the candy and picks up a sub sandwich. He thinks about putting the milk in his pants but he doesn’t. Now all he’s holding is the sub sandwich. He walks over to another aisle and puts the sandwich on the shelf and unbuckles his belt to make room for a meaty six inch sandwich to go in his shorts. That’s right he shoved a sub sandwich down his shorts. So now he’s got a sub sandwich erection. His girlfriend goes and gets a burrito and they go pay for that, but this guy is still walking around with a sub sandwich in his shorts/crotch area which I’m assuming he’ll later eat. (That can’t be sanitary right?) Anyways if you see this guy walking around and he’s got something sticking out of the front of his pants, he’s not happy to see you, he probably just has a sub sandwich stuck in his pants.