Dear Diary Ch. 3

"it's been the last fight today. he is over protective of me. at first I had thought it was some overpowering love for me. but it seems that every time I try to go out with some friends to have some distance from him he starts to fight me about it and gets jealous. yes I admit at first I was clinging to him. but with time we simply need some space to be able to know that we really love each other. but ever since I have gotten a new job it seems as if I have been doing things differently in his eyes. I have to stay out later for the work to be done. sometimes I have business meetings that I have to attend to, which he dislikes. I have no space anymore. we have not had a single conversation since my work. we hardly see each other and I'm getting scared that he thinks I'm cheating on him or something. last night we tried to make love. everything was going smoothly until he pulled out and off of me, he walked away and left for the bar. right then and there. without saying a word. he never holds me anymore, its like I'm sick and dirty to him. I'm scared that he might be cheating on me.

i don't want that. we have had many fights over this relationship. fights about us and our work schedules. each day I feel as if we are going to argue, each night I feel as if I'm being pushed away from him. I love him, I know I do, I would do anything for him. he just has to speak to me."

reading that passage from her journal makes me wonder now why I would get into fights with her. then again finding her journal here makes me wonder why she left it. could it be that she had planned this all out and that she knew ahead of time that she was going to cheat on me. use me for whatever she needed. maybe that's why I found the diary, it was the only thing she left here. it has to be the reason why she would leave it and not tell me. I hate that, I hate how that is in my mind and that I know its the truth. maybe it is, maybe it isn't but it feels like it is. I recall one fight we had, it was our first fight. it was over a friend of hers. she worked with him. scott was his name. I remember it. he had come home with her and I wasn't there yet. I was at work on a late shift. I came into the apartment and found her sitting on the couch next to him watching a movie. I forget which, some girl movie that would make her cry and sob. but he had his arm around her, the lights were off and she was sitting next to him, holding him. that split second when she realized I was there watching her, seeing me standing there blinking at her and him, she moved away from him. she was ashamed at it. I couldn't stand it. I had to leave. Scott stood up and tried to make fun chat with me. I didn't like him. I didn't like his attitude I didn't like him sitting near my girl, MY GIRL!!!

Thinking about that moment makes me realize now that she did cheat on me. Use me, take me for a ride for all I was worth. Yeah, that's the only reason. she hadn't known Scott as long as me. she hadn't known Scott as well as me. and he had the nerve to hold my girlfriend, my love, my mate, my only true thing in the world. I slugged him. I could hear her screaming something about something. I couldn't hear it I was so mad. all I knew was that he was holding my girl, and that he was probably sleeping with her. I don't like those thoughts, I don't I don't I don't each day I look around this empty apartment and wonder was it true though? was she cheating on me? is this her way of saying "Paul, your not listening to me"

maybe it is, maybe it isn't but each day that I wake up in a bed that is half cold, I wonder if it was the truth. that she left her diary for me to read and understand the truth.

"Its late at night, I'm writing in you, I'm sure about what I want to do, each day seems like I'm doing something wrong by staying here. My friends say he is a great catch. But then they say that he is almost like a psycho. I love him, really do, but he does not trust me. I've seen him burst into a million flames and explode. but I've seen him when he is calm and happy, and loving. I try to make sure that he knows that I love him. I call him at work now and when I'm at work to tell him I'm there. I make sure that I notify him of everything I do so that he does not get scared of what I am doing. but I feel like I'm loosing my own freedom because of this. and he is pushing me away every time I do that too. the other night he woke me up and tried to make love to me. I wasn't in the mood because he was drunk. we had gotten into an argument.

i tried to tell him no, but he would not listen. I tried pushing him off but he didn't care. I cried that night in his arms, he wasn't him. he was mad at me and it showed, I don't know why, I tried to be good for him and I kept on fucking up. I tried to make everything perfect for him but he didn't like it. everything I do is falling apart. I'm scared of him now. I'm scared that he will do something bad. it wasn't my fault. I tried to show him I love him but he wont listen. I'm so scared now.... I'm thinking about leaving him. but I just hope he would believe me then before that and change his mind. and know that I do love him. I just hope he loves me in return."

its been three months since I've spoken to her, those months are the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. each night I wake up in this cold apartment. no lights no music, just suffering. I read her last entry, it was to me. a letter to me. I never read it fully until now. random snips here and there. but now I read that note she left for me. she had left this journal for me. every day of our three years together. I keep on reading it over and over, knowing now what I should have known then. she did love me and it was my own pride that got in the way. it was my own fault that this ended. it was my stupid ego that made her leave. she never cheated on me. she never did such a thing. It was me, it was all my fault.....

::at 2 PM this morning a resident for the crystal ranch housing apartments was found dead in his living room. Residents called police after having to force their way into the apartment for the loud music that had been playing. A song put on continue by the group Spineshank. Residents say that the man had just recently broken up with his girlfriend. an affair that lasted three years. the residents also say that they were on a downward spiral. always fighting. today they found Paul J. Amalgam dead in his living room, he had slit his own throat and cut open his wrists. His ex girlfriend Belle Sheila had no comment for new reporters, saying only she loved him very much and that his death is a tragedy that should not have happened.