Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Mailbag

Honestly, Domebeer-aholics, we were going to let our Cancer post stay up all day today (fuck Cancer) but we got an email from someone you may or may not know (DONATE MOTHERFUCKERS, DO IT NOW).

Remember DeathHammer? He is the guy who writes our "Life And Times Of Harvey The Hound" (Vol 1, and Vol 2). While your humble correspondent was at the game yesterday (missed WI) an email was sent to us by the challenger to Tom Clancy's mantle. And it has inspired us to run our very first 'Mailbag' ever on Dome Beers.

It seems DeathHammer doesn't like the Oilers very much. We will let him explain it himself:

Flames fans don't like Oiler fans. But not in an “I'm not gonnna keep the door open for that asshole” sense, or a “time to shit on this guys windshield” kind of way. We hate all you Oiler fans, but in the way we all hated the Honky Tonk Man, Shawn Michaels, and Evil Hogan. We hated the character, not the person. We know you're not like Vancouver fans, who have some sort of sick ‘Basic Instinct’ like love for their team, wanting to fuck and kill it at the same time. That’s sick as fuck, Vancouver fans. Oiler fans, greasy as you are, you’re not Canuck scum. So let's keep this civil.

It's not hard to say why we hate Oiler fans. The arrogance, snobbery, and the way they don't realize they are cheering for the City of Edmonton. It's enough to make any true Flames fan puke. When approached by one of these beasts, just remember Flame fan: they are only a bunch of jock sniffing, murderer cheering, Rexall junkies, that should never be taken seriously. So here for the DomeBeer-aholics, is some smack for whenever you encounter one of these "people."

Oiler fans think they are smart, and know everything not only about their pathetically crappy team, but the whole league. Does this belief stem from owning Centre-Ice, or being hardcore gamblers? No. It comes from watching TSN almost as much as Rider fans on game day, and playing EA NHL, (not the Sega NHL, Oiler fans hate 2kers.) This resume is obviously no PHD in hockey, and no, I don't even care if you have B-Mac's twitter or how many times you're mom blew one of the guys on the championship teams. So stop pretending you know better, because you don't. And how do I know that they don't know better? Because I know what makes these bureaucrats in waiting work.

Every Oiler fans confidence and belief comes from two things. The myth they are more loyal fans, and the five championships verses the Flames one. And honestly, a lot of Flames fans buckle under this pressure in an argument over fandom. So I get asked all the time "Death Hammer, you've beat Perfect Dark on Perfect Agent, how do you deal with this?” I don't point to the head offices in downtown Cow town, or the multitude of malls (not just one meant for social inbreeding). I get over this by hating on the true history and state of the Coilers. It helps me sleep at night as a Flames fan.

First the departures. Wayne Gretzky hated Edmonton almost as much as Messier, but he didn't have the balls to say it to the Coiler fan's face. Gretzky engineered a whole soap opera, involving his agent playing hardball with the owner, to get the fuck out of Edmonton. They could not pay his ass enough to play there anymore. "Moose" is a born and raised Edmontonian, and he demanded a trade from shitville. He went all Lebron, and the Oilers raised his jersey afterword, with a bad ass montage. And they're not the only ones. Everyone peaced after 1991, and no Oiler fan went to the games next year despite making the playoffs.

This leads to three major points in the debate:

1) Because they honored the people who left the city high and dry, they are jock sniffers, for life.

2) Because their attendance dropped more in their super star exodus years vs. the Flames exodus years, they are more bandwagon then we are. Let me be clear: Calgary Flames fans are more loyal then Edmonton Oiler fans, I don’t care if you’re a "small' market or not. Plus we all bought jerseys.

3) This is the most important part, Oiler fan. Every hockey player in this generation of players grew up having Oilers as their favorite players. The Dynasty Oilers are this generation of NHLers hero's. And kids want to emulate their hero’s. So every player wanting to be like Gretzky, Messier, or even Kurri wants to tell Edmonton that they don't want to play for their shitty team either, and to suck it big time. And let's face it, when you tell Edmonton to fuck itself as an NHLer, your career takes off.

And as the Greeks said, last but not least...

The Oilers owner is a drug dealer. He is also a native Edmontonian who doesn't live in Edmonton. How are you supposed to convince people to sign with your team when the owner doesn't even live there himself?

So that is that. When a POS Oiler fan hates, you hate back!

Now here's more Oiler fan smack now that the majority is taken care of.

They don't rock a mascot. They think they're too good for a mascot, that mascots are stupid. And that's too bad Oiler fan, because it's not about you, it's about kids, and they love that shit. So hook them up with a mascot without a history of violent crimes!

Craig MacTavish murdered someone. My friends and Google both confirmed this story. He had to do a year in the slammer.

Ryan Smith faked crying. He wanted to be liked when he came back, he wanted his montage. Pussy.

Gagne is a bust.

When they fired Pat Quinn, it was done pretty greasy. Hey did you know that Tom Renney's brother in law is the Oiler head pro scout? Funny.

I don't care what Mike Comrie did, nobody beats the Brick.
...

We will be honest. The line he ends it with, nobody beats the Brick (re: Comrie) gave us the lolz. Lolz will make us do funny things, like publish a rant like that. We would add the obligatory "these thoughts are an editorial and not the thoughts of the editor" but, well, the guy does make some valid points.

Except he forgot to mention the ugly jersey.

In case you were wondering, our response to DeathHammers email was something along the lines of "Gee, that's nice. When are we getting the next Harvey piece? You are about a month past deadline."