Fourteen Grindr fails

Poor old Grindr. The world’s leading gay hook-up app is in the news for all the wrong reasons lately.

Hook-ups gone wrong… the Chinese government perhaps spying on personal data… Let’s put Grindr back in the headlines for the right reasons — the message fails it’s famous for.

Advertisements

We all know size matters. We need to know the dimensions of things. Do I want small, medium, large or supersize? Is that enough meat? Will that eggplant fill the spot?

On Grindr, of course, size really matters. Nevertheless, despite the app’s ability to measure the distance to a particular profile to the nearest centimetre, not a single person among the millions of users seems to have an accurate idea of how long eight inches is.

Indeed, eight inches on Grindr is only four on a ruler. Nevertheless, some people never give up. Size queens, I believe they’re called.

Some people of course, don’t worry about asking for dimensions. They simply demand visual evidence. However sometimes either they can’t spell or autocorrect becomes auto(in)correct.

Is it always a fail though? We should remember other people may have differing interests. Perhaps some people find sitting on a big deck appealing or would get off on giving your wood a polish.

Back to size however, and it’s good to see that even amidst the grief of a family tragedy, some Grindr users remember their priorities.

Some users do have unrealistic expectations of the ability of the human penis. That organ is undoubtedly a remarkable thing.

It can take one hell of a battering. Penises (or penes, according to some, and penii to others) get kicked on the sporting field, groped and squeezed on a regular basis, jammed into tight underwear, subjected to the horrors of the ‘tuck job’ and stretched within an inch of their lives in vacuum pump enlargers.

Advertisements

They are pierced, plucked, tattooed and cathetered. Yet the poor thing still manages to work as a delivery system for propagating human life.

The penis can also expand rapidly as it stiffens but despite all those abilities, one thing the penis can not do is tailor its dimensions to the individual occasion.

One thing many Grindr users believe can be tailored to the requirements of individual occasions is themselves. Some will happily become whatever or whoever their target desires.

“How old are you?”

“How old would you like me to be?”

Shape shifting does occur on hook-up apps — mainly because of photoshop fails — if you’re going to suck your gut in digitally, beware of nearby furniture and fixtures.

Some Grindr users boast of amazing, indeed, almost superhuman abilities.

Others have rather individual fetishes.

Some are possessed of exquisite manners.

Others, not so much.

Some users are generous.

Some are witty.

And others still, remain very focused on their goal.

But just remember — the sexiest thing you can promise on Grindr — the magic words that will bring men flocking like bees to pollen: “I can host.”