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Monday, June 30, 2014

What is red, white, and blue and more tacky than chipped Chanel matte nails?

Fourth of July manicures.

I absolutely detest manis inspired by the 4th.

If we really wanted to showcase America's independence, we would become independent members of society and get a manicure that matches our mood, or our skimpy bikini (god forbid, it isn't of an effing flag print), or perhaps something paying tribute to the Indian's beautiful turquoise color scheme...historically relevant or not.

We are completely conforming as citizens of the United States of America by asking Mei Ling to paint every other nail white and blue stripes with a top coat of silver sparkle while she asks us why we have no boyfriend.

Why we have no boyfriend? Probably because the American flag threw up all over our nail beds.

Barf.

Here are fabulous manicure ideas, should you be so inclined as to absolutely have to get creative with your hands at the nail salon before this weekend, that support your rights as an independent society member and don't look lameo.

Check it...

1. Orangey-red is the new Ox Blood. Not permanently, just for the summer months. And this color totally rocks. Best pulled off with short nails, you don't want to look like an Italian prostitute.

2. Obsessed with this pale pink nude with black tips. Don't you dare ruin this for me by shaping your nails into scary claws. I will make an effort to break your nail, should I see your mani within 10 feet of me or creeping up on my Instagram feed.

3. I actually really love this depressing shade of blue. It looks good on just about every skin tone and is not to mention, look great with denim should your slutty side want to come out and rock the overdone daisy dukes.

4. Basic black with one finger glitter accented. I actually even like this look matte instead of shine coated, but good luck finding an amazing matte black at a salon.

5. For those of you who like it so much you just had to put a rhinestone (or few) on it, for the love of Vogue, limit it to one color scheme.

6. Creative oriental designs are a "yes." But, only because Derek Lam did it first, circa Fall 2012.

7. Checkered nails are cool too, even if I just threw them in here to break up all of the black.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Plastic bottle Perrier water reminds me of the one time that I got food poisoning from the lime off a tequila shot and my boyfriend at the time forced me to drink an entire liter of stale Perrier water in the back of his Benz on the way home so that I wouldn't dehydrate and "die." Not a fond memory.

Moral of the story? Bad things come in plastic bottles.

I'm sure this isn't news to you, as your hot yoga studio has probably ear f*cked you right into corpse pose on this topic. But, let me reiterate this for just a second so that I get the point of this post across to those who may not have an unlimited membership at CorePower, and get my post's word count up.

1. Plastic bottles are not sustainable, period. They have a carbon footprint as heavy as Shrek and are just about as biodegradable as pointy-toed patent leather Valentino Rockstud flats.

2. Plastic bottles are super damaging to your body too. Most carry more toxins than you released from your last 3-day BluePrint Cleanse, even "BPA-free plastic" was used. If plastic water bottles sit around for a long time or are exposed to heat, they start to leak highly toxic chemicals - some of which may be total endocrine disruptors. Said simply, your body could turn into a crazier science experiment than Joan Rivers's face.

And yeah yeah, you never leave your plastic water bottle in the cup holder of your car. Hate to break it to you, but do you realize how long the plastic water bottles sat in the sun as importing cargo before they hit the shelves? Longer than your last layover in London, I can guarantee.

Directions: Combine sugar and water in a small saucepan. Add lavender and cook on low heat until sugar is dissolved. Bring to a boil and cook for 2-3 minutes, just until it starts to thicken a bit. Then set to the side to cool. Strain out the lavender and refrigerate.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Complacent color, hair wise, is something that I am not familiar with. As soon as I get dark enough, I want to be blonde, as soon as I reach color appropriate for Baywatch casting, I immediately want to dye my fresh roots to match my black caviar Chanel.

I feel like I am in a constant battle of playing hard to get with my hair.

Yesterday morning was Exhibit A:

My sister and I arrived at our barre class a couple minutes early (she is so punctual that it actually sometimes gives me lateness withdrawal shakes), and I was browsing through Pinterest on my phone.

I asked her, "Should I dye my hair dark or am I just bored?" She said to go for it, and yes, that I was just bored. We took our barre class, and after staring at my roots in the mirror for an hour, I called my hair salon as I was walking out the door of the studio. "I want to be brunette again. Today. What time can you get me in?" And the rest of the story is as old as last month's issue of Vogue.

I follow only two rules in regards to hair:

1. Never listen to anyone but yourself. That b*tch loves your trashy, grown out ombré. Yeah, I bet she does. Up hers.

2. Never chop off all of your hair post-break up. If the b*stard dumps you, you get a blow out, not an emotionally scarring hairdo. Giving yourself an angry and depressed lesbian cut, at a time when it is not chic and liberating to do so, shoots the poor Hermès horse in the foot - you'd do less damage (and get more satisfaction out of) throwing your 8-piece Hermès dining set on the marble floor.

Moral of the post? Don't be a complacent basic betch and do what you want. After three issues of Harper's Bazaar, two dye jobs, and one bottle of prosecco, I'm currently espresso brown...like the Americano I'm drinking this morning, except less watered down.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

So, You're Dating A Picky Vegan...she has really great skin and lots of energy, and did I mention she's really flexible? You're allowed to eat meat in front of her and you swear, she's like "this close" to letting you watch her get a B12 shot in the cheek. Things are getting really serious.

Until...

She goes totally off the effing deep end.

It's like a scene out of "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" - except in this remake, she's got your Love Fern in the vegetable crisper and named your package Princess Soy-phia.

If you're nodding your head thinking "this is totally something I do after the third date," it's time for you to reel in the crazy a notch and stop giving the rest of us vegans a bad name. Put the bag of chia seeds down for five seconds and listen up while your raw almonds soak. You can go back to vitamixing your sprouted nut milk right after you read the rest of this post.

Here's what not to do if you're a picky vegan and you've just started dating someone seriously...

1. Make a roast cauliflower for a sit down dinner party.

2. Dress his cat up as a hotdog and ask him to consider selling his brand new outdoor BBQ grill set.

3. Sprinkle Daiya on his food and justify it by saying, "it melts and stretches!"

4. Ask him to squeeze, press, or drain your tofu like it's some kind of sick foreplay.

5. Replace his AXE deodorant with a natural antiperspirant.

6. Flush his meds down the toilet because the label didn't clarify that they weren't animal tested.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I am so sick and tired to death of boring shoe collections that are copies of the classics and subpar standards. Enough with the designer shoes that we can wear with "105 Different Looks this Summer" or the shoes that transform us "From Day to Night" - yes, you're getting your pretty penny's worth...but don't you want a pair of shoes that everyone is going to remember you wearing, instead of covering up a nine-to-fiver, worn-too-many-times pair with too many accessories?

Hate to break the Blahniks to you honey, but those boring BB patent pumps are more basic than your boyfriend's ex...and she's so not a staple to keep on repeating.

Miu Miu, Resort 2014

It is time to ditch the signature Saint Laurents, at least for a season, and slip your pretty Cinderella feet into a pair from Miu Miu's unforgettably unique, Resort 2014 collection. Embellishment on black, comedically couture prints...what's not to fall in love with and actually remember the morning after?

These are special shoes.

Special shoes are worth the investment, even if you're going to only wear them once.

Now, before you start judging, my mom didn't get all Julia Child on us until at least middle school. This was the 90's after all. I remember for my Dad, my sisters and I would help my mom whip up a golden yellow cake with chocolate frosting...his favorite.

For this past Father's Day, I decided to upgrade the Pillsbury boxed cakes, as delicious as they may still be, to an actual killer scratch recipe for yellow cake.

5. Turn the mixer to low (yes, it was still going) and add half of the flour mixture (step 4) to the mixer and fully incorporate.

6. Next, add sour cream to the mixer and blend well. Add in the remaining flour mixture and mix well.

7. Finally add vanilla extract and butter extract* to the mixer and finish beating on low until everything is well mixed.

8. Evenly add cake mixture into prepared baking pans and place in oven to bake for approximately 25-30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean - but don't overbake!

9. Remove cakes from oven and let rest in pans for 10 minutes.

10. Next remove layers from pans and place on cooling racks for one hour plus.

Frosting 101:
1. Add butter, confectioner's sugar and cocoa powder to the bowl of your mixer and mix on high speed until smooth.

2. Then add in vanilla extract and milk until frosting is fluffy and smooth.

3. Try not to eat too much frosting before it gets frosted onto the cake and served.

*Butter Extract - WTF is that? Basically, it's artificial butter - it adds in a rich butter flavor without artificial colors or added fats. It comes in a similar small bottle as vanilla extract and other baking extracts. Don't worry, you can find "artificial butter" that's organic at Whole Foods.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Scenario: It's 7:00 p.m. and you just got out of your hot yoga sculpt class. The man next to you did not invest in proper sweat-resistant attire, don't make me explain further. You worked in the office all day long, minus 20 minutes at lunch to scarf down a $26 "cobb" salad - hold the lobster and the smoked gouda, wtf am I vegan again? - with your mother. Needless to say, you look like a haggard little beast.

The God Forsaken Un-Question:My friends are visiting from Abu Dhabi, I just made a reservation at that little restaurant that makes your favorite dirty martinis, see you in an hour!Fan-f*cking-tastic.
You have two options; A. Tell your friend that you're now a recovering alcoholic and can't leave the rehab facility (aka your bedroom) for another 8 hours, or B. Pull your sh*t together and throw on an impressive outfit.

Don't be a party pooper, now.
Here are a few fab weeknight essentials that are easy to throw on and trés impressionnant, just make sure you take a shower first, I cringe at the thought of what your leftover Bikram-produced sweat could do to a silk lining.

Check it...
1. Go for a casual black with sleeves, or a printed sheath.