Thursday, November 10, 2011

Derek's Great Adventure

Last night I had a thrilling escape.

Oh you should've been there. There was shouting and wailing and weeping, and violence! Oh so much violence! There was a knife involved, and a hammer, and it was all very dramatic. What started out as a normal night in changed in the blink of an eye, and suddenly I was trapped, with no way out.

Over the past few weeks, I've been having some work done to the house. One of these little jobs is to have all of the inside doors replaced- because they were old-fashioned, apparently. (They didn't look old-fashioned to me, to be perfectly honest. They pretty much looked like doors. I didn't even KNOW doors could look old-fashioned. But there you go.)

Anyway, so the carpenters spent the whole day fitting these new doors. They put the hinges on, set the doors into the door frames, put in the locks and latches. The only thing they didn't do was put the actual door HANDLES in. Which was fine. They were going to do that first thing in the morning. The only thing I had to be careful of was not let any of the doors actually CLOSE. No problem, thought I.

I was heading to bed at about three that night. I gave the doggies their usual scratch behind the ears at bedtime and left them in the dark kitchen. Next I went looking for the cats with a can of air freshener (the only thing that will convince the cats to leave the house at night is when I spray an aerosol can nearby. Otherwise they'll just look at me while I'm trying to herd them out, and not actually move). I got the first two cats to leave, but the Mammy Cat was in her usual place, sitting on my chair in my office. She's really taken to this chair. Every day it's a struggle to be the one to sit in it- and the problem is compounded by the fact that she's sneakier than I am. She'll stand on the desk, watching me, and then she'll usually knock something over. After I've picked it up I'll look around and she'll be curled up on my chair with this insanely smug cat-expression on her cat-face. It's gotten so bad I'm seriously considering buying a second chair, just for her.

But I digress.

So, the Mammy Cat is in my office. I close the door over- careful not to close it fully- and open the window. I look at the Mammy Cat. I know she knows what this means. I know she knows I have the aerosol can. I know she knows the door is closed over so there's no escape. I hold up the can. She glares at me through slitted eyes. I shake the can. Reluctantly, she stands, and stretches. She moves from the chair onto the desk, up onto the printer to the window-sill.

"Good girl," I say.

She looks at me. Then the VERY slight breeze wafts in through the window and the door behind me clicks shut. I freeze, my eyes wide. The Mammy Cat gives a cat-smirk, and vanishes into the night.

I turn to the door. "Oh no," I say. "Oh no no no." I dig my finger into the hole burrowed for the handle to go in, and try and pull the door open. No chance. I take out my pen-knife, slide it through and try to unlatch the latch. No luck. I have a screwdriver in my office, so I push that into the handle-hole and try to use the screwdriver itself as a handle. Not a hope.

I stare at the door. "Oh dear God."

I look at the window. It's pretty narrow and it's pretty high up, but I'm relatively sure I can clamber up and squeeze through. But then what? I've just locked up. Every door in the place is locked, and all the keys are still IN the locks. Even if I got out the window, there would be no way back in.

I stare at the door. This is becoming a situation. This is becoming serious. I am actually trapped in my office, with no way out.

(This is when the shouting and wailing and weeping occurred. The violence will occur soon.)

I spend the next twenty minutes trying to open the door using my pen-knife and the screwdriver. I've seen the movies where the hero slides a credit card between the door and the doorframe and unlocks it, so I even try that. But apparently my door is cash only, because my credit card isn't accepted and so is returned- kind of sheepishly- to my wallet.

I have to break down the door. I have to.

The idea fills me with a strange sort of glee.

I've never broken down a door before. I've written about it, but I've never actually done it.

I'm going to kick it down. That's what I'm going to do. I grin, take a step back, and get ready. This is going to be AWESOME.

But then I remember that the door opens INWARDS. So if I DID kick it down, it would splinter the doorframe. And while replacing the door wouldn't be a problem, replacing the door-FRAME would be slightly more of an issue.

My grin fades. Whatever I do, I can't damage the frame. Which means I literally have to make a hole in the door so that I can dismantle the lock/latch mechanism by simply pulling it out.

I look around my office. There are all the usual things you'd find in an office. Pens. Paper. A computer. Strange-looking lamps. A scarf. A phone. A filing cabinet. Books. Comics. A board game. And then I see it, resting on one of the shelves. A hammer.

The grin returns to my face. I'm going to bust open my door using a hammer. This night is AWESOME.

I return to the door, hammer in hand. I spend a few seconds going over all the possibilities. I'm going to feel pretty silly in the morning if I've wrecked the door and there was an easy way out all along. But I'm pretty sure there isn't. I'm pretty sure I don't have a choice.

So I swing.

Oh, it is glorious, the swinging. The hammer makes a big dent on impact. I swing again, and the wood cracks. I swing again, and again, and suddenly I'm through. I can see the hall. This is going to work.

And so, I demolish the door. With each swing the intensity grows. The wood splinters and cracks and falls away and still I swing, harder and harder, reveling in the violence. Battered holes in the door join up to make bigger holes. The impacts ring in my ears. I can see the lock mechanism but I have to make the hole bigger. Much bigger. Laughing, I continue my attack. The door doesn't stand a chance.

"Think you're so tough?" I almost rant. "Think you're such a tough door? Look at you now! I'm breaking you apart! I could stick my head all the way through you and shout "Heeeeeeere's Johnny!' You are NOTHING to me! I am victorious! You are NOTHING!"

The door doesn't stand a chance. By the time my bloodlust has abated, pieces of the door are scattered all over the hall floor. I rip out the lock mechanism and pull open the door and laugh. LAUGH, I tell you.

"Is that it?" I almost cry. "Is that the best you've got? Is there no one on this Earth to even CHALLENGE me? Come! Kneel before me! Kneel before the Golden God!"

Silence echoes around the house. The house fears me. The house SHOULD fear me. For I am a great and terrible God.

This morning the carpenters came back. They looked at the door, at the mess on the floor, and frowned. "Did... did we leave it like this?" they asked.

I hesitated only a moment. "Yes," I said. "Very sloppy work, gentlemen. Very sloppy work indeed."

If you buy your cat an extra chair, she will still sit in yours. That's what my cat does. She has her own little bed (a cute painted doll bed from Ikea, even with a handmade quilt) but she sleeps on my blanket every night. And she snores.

*would roll on the floor laughing if there was enough floor space to roll on*

Er, yes. Not that I'm laughing at the terrible, if temporary, loss of freedom, or the daring, ingenious escape, of course. Because I'd never do that.

And a second chair for the cat is a good idea, in theory. At least then when the cat sits in the main chair, there's another chair for you to sit in. Of course, I currently have two extra chairs/stools next to my desk, for the cat to sleep on, and no matter how many times I place her on one of those, I always find her in my lap some time later.

That was AMAZING. Seriously, I'm grinning and I'm trying to stop because I'm in the Work Room and people are looking at me strangely.EXCELLENT escape method. When all else fails, grab a hammer and break down the door. Brilliant.

I got locked in my room once, but that was my evil brother. He locked the door on the other side, and then left. For four hours. I was forced to jump out of the window. It was mildly awesome.

Also, I feel your pain wit the cat chair problem. But there is NO POINT in buying another chair. If you buy it for the cat, she will not use it. If you buy one for yourself and concede the current chair, she will abandon it and steal whichever one you want to sit in.

Once again, AWESOME job on a most excellent escape. I have to go now because the teachers keep glancing at me and I feel I should run away before they come over here.

Also, if you ever wrote an autobiography, I would buy it. And people would be forever staring at the strange girl cackling in the corner reading a book with a God on the front. A hilarious, glasses-wearing God, staring into your soul. They would be mildly creeped out, but that would be nothing compared to the zany adventures that you and your cats get up to. And hammers. Also, stealing an idea from AmandaCYT, if you don't come to America to tour, I'll come to Ireland. And I will find out where you live, my Golden God. And I will break your doors down with hammers, and laugh with maniac glee as you realize that there is nothing left to do but come to America with me. (As my hostage.)

PAH! Thank you very much, I now have a mouthful of tea aaaaaaall over my laptop screen!

Great story! However, my cat is sitting on my lap, and you can tell from the look in her eyes that she has no sympathy for you whatsoever, since you made your cat go out. But I have sympathy for you Derek. It must have been terribly traumatic for you. It it was me, I probably would have freaked out and called the fire brigade or something...

But hey, at least ou got to have your very own Skulduggery moment... ish...

I seriously think he should follow through with that plan to get Mammy Cat her own chair. I know a bunch of people get decoy keyboards for their cats so they can get work done. I heard that cats like to sit on keyboards because we give keyboards so much attention, and they want that attention for themselves XD

I enjoyed the violent use of the hammer. We should get him a Captain Hammer t-shirt :3

That's the best blog you have ever posted. Seriously. I'm going to buy a new printer, JUST so I can print this and read it every night, and just laugh myself to sleep....

BUT I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. Our living room door shutter mechanism thing died, and if you closed the door, the bugger wouldn't open. Admittedly, I didn't smash the life out of it, but I did have to climb out of the living room window, scuttle through the front door, get a knife from the kitchen again, shuffle back outside and haul myself back through the window, knife between my teeth to open it.

Oh yes, all my clothes are cat-hair-enhanced as well. At least now that I get to work from home, it's less of an issue (but the clothes-friendly cat considers me working at home as an open invitation to settle into my lap for hours when I'm supposed to be working instead).

OMG THAT WAS HILLARIOUS!!! UR CAT SOUNDS SOOO CUTE and also backs up my view on that cats are extremely intelligent! your doors should be afraid of you....because that is one HUGE hole!!! I laughed at the last line, it was so funny!! =P

I had a similar experience with the front door of our house. We (me+mum) were with the landlord (this was our old house and he wasn't even a lord; I was very dissapointed.) and we'd gone out to talk about landlord-y stuff together (well, mum and the not-a-lord did. I stood in the corner imagining him on a throne with servants to do his bidding wearing a king's crown. He was actually in jeans and a nice pink shirt.) but, mum had forgotten to bring the keys with her... *looks angrily at mum's fav chair.* and so we were stuck on the doorstep while a little pidgeon who was obviously a baby having lost its mum harrassed me about giving it regurgitated caterpillars. I told it that it could help itself to the fridge as soon as we got into the house. (I think it thought i was mad, but that's what every talking pidgeon says!) anyway, the landlord spent ages looking for his keys and so did mum. Meanwhile, the baby pidgeon was attempting puppy dog eyes, and I explained that it doesnt work if you're not an actual puppy. So, eventually, they gave up and the landlord picked up a very big spanner which just so happened to be lying in wait underneath the baby pidgeon's fat backside and swung, hard, through the glass of the door. SMASH! So, we broke in and ha to put up wit a draught for a few months... if you're wondering about the pidgeon, he flew the coop when he realised we didn't have wholemeal.

I was eating cereal as I read this and my laptop where it belongs. My lap. Anyway I took a mouthful of cereal and I had to use all of my awesome power to avoid spraying it on my laptop. SO FUNNY I'M GOING TO BE LAUGHING TIL TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think that the chair idea will work though... I think that you will get a new chair and the cat will refuse to sit in it, BUT when the cat sees you in the new chair it will start sitting there...

I have faith in how smart you are Derek I really do- but cats are EVIL.

In ancient China, the yellow river would flood all the time, and the results would be disastrous. They took to calling it "China's Sorrow"I know you get that.I already posted this, but I have a feeling no one read it, sooo yeah. This is on the first page, so it's more likely to be read.

What an adventure. ^^ I literally was lying under my desk because i couldnt stop louhging while reading it. This door won't dare to chalenge you again. Ever. My Cat ayctually likes to sleep on my computer keyboard, by the way. Thats not helpful when you're trying to write something... xD

One wonders, though, if it ever occurred to you to pick up the phone and ring someone for help?

I wish someone would come and replace our old-fashioned doors. Or at least just the two that can't close properly and the one that can only close properly if you lean against it. And maybe, just maybe, put some doors into the two empty frames. That would be great. Yes... And while I'm dreaming I would like to win the lottery as well, please.

To Kalia, who asked "ps, who says "darling" anymore? Especially to complete strangers...???? :/", I say darling to let people know I have to ability to love someone who I've never met, and that everyone who comes on this blog can expect to feel loved and included.

Mmm, I feel your initial panic. Had a similar moment myself last week, merrily swinging my flat door shut as I went into the conservatory to do washing, knowing I'd put the latch on. Then hearing the CLICK of the door shutting. I freeze. Think "Oh shit".

I do my washing anyway 'cos you know, a girl's gotta wear clothes. Then I turn my attention to the slight issue of being locked out. I can't even get out of the conservatory as that door is locked, and I'd only end up in the garden where there's a locked gate and a 7 foot high wall...

After much rooting around in the conservatory, I found the spare keys which my landlady had moved. Which saved me having to break a glass pane in my flat's door (I'd already tried a screwdriver on the latch, and pondered the idea of MacGyvering something that I could feed through the cat flap pane and maybe pull the latch down on the other side).

Um, not sure what happened to my last comment. Maybe it'll show up, but I have to tell you, Derek, you ought to stop pretending not to like cats. Thinking about buying Mammy cat her own chair. You're obviously totally bonkers about the cats. Even I don't buy my cats their own chairs. But then, you have more money than me. When I get out of college, buying my cats their own chairs will be a definite consideration. =)

That was funny, but still, I've been in a situation similar (but there was no breaking down doors because my parents would've killed me) and I was kind of scared, and hungry (but that's got nothing to do with anything) so I guess I can empathize.

Omfg you serious?!?! *sigh* I won a bet but now the guy is telling me he doesn't have 5euro Grrrrr >:( Then he pissed me off even MORE by saying shit about my favourite band!!! How dare he! He said their most recent album was shit, but then I asked him what songs were shit and it turned out HE HADNT EVEN HEARD ANY OF THE SONGS FROM THAT ALBUM!!! Grrrrrrr!!! D:<

Derek that was bloody epic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!you are so awesome !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!laughed so much at the picture and the ending !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my mum once got locked in the bathroom 3 years ago so my dad had to break the door handle off !!!!!!! we still haven't got it fixed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha ha! I haven't had a door handle in my room for four years, so I've had to develop a certain technique to opaning, which I haven't told anybody else how to do of course. I need a way of imprisoning people do I not?

Mr. Landy . . . you sir are a LEGEND. I am yet to meet a person of your exemplary cunning, skill and tact. You an example to stupid people everywhere- BE MORE LIKE THIS PERSON AND LESS SLOW YOU IDIOTS!!!!!!

Hi there Derek :) Absolutley adore the Skulduggery Pleasant series :D and was wondering if youself (or anybody else for that matter ;)) would like to have a look at my blog please if you wouldn't mind :)

Some new chick called Red waterfall was talking to her and told her off for talkign about Dragona behind his back. and then she left, kinda with no warning. She's back on Ven's chat now, only for a little bit

Hi everyone!Lol! Fantastic story Mr. Landy :D I once had a similar encounter as well, but this one required me to break *into* my own house. I had arrived home from school to find that the spare key was missing. So after sitting around for half an hour wondering what I would do, I came up with a plan. I climbed up to the window outside my room and forced the flyscreen inwards, then hauled myself into the room. I was totally ninja :)

Oh my goodness, you just made my day. I am serious. thank you. Because of you and your story, I will not bang my head on the desk in biology, then strangle the teacher. You, Derek Landy, have saved me from becoming a delinquit.