I just want to make beautiful things…

Plans

Plans change. I’m a planner. I’m always making lists, plans, and backup plans. I planned to leave high school, go to college for a few years to do radiography, and then make a quick slide into med school.

That changed one day in chemistry, when this voice in my head perked up and said, “Rachel, this job will have you on your feet all day, in a windowless clinic pushing buttons for the rest of your life. This isn’t really serving a greater purpose is it?”

So, I entered the field of Child Life. Working with children in the hospital setting was something I quickly came to love. I planned to sail right through it and graduate this upcoming May.

Plans change. I missed out on an opportunity to do a practicum, (or mini internship), only to have the same program miraculously fall into my lap one year later. I planned to apply for an out of town internship for this spring.

Plans change. And change again. I applied to four hospitals. I was interviewed at those four hospitals, and still came up short. So I planned to extend my practicum and try again. I applied to thirteen hospitals in the summer. Interviewed by only two of those hospitals. The plus side is they were both my favorites.

I found out I had fallen short yet again the night my grandfather died, so I had to put aside my own heartbreak to support my dad and deal with all the family issues that followed.

One hospital very strongly suggested I re-apply for an internship with them in the fall, and suggest it so strongly that I have even been in contact with them since they turned me down last fall. But the truth is, I’m so used to things falling apart that I can’t even muster the energy to be excited for the possibility of a second chance. I’m almost more excited about cooking up another backup plan than I am about the possibility of finally getting one step closer to the dream job I’ve been struggling for for the past three years. I don’t want to fail, but I’m just so ready to move on with my life.

I want to move on to this city to complete this internship. But I want to move on to planning the next step before I get my hopes crushed.

Plan A only works for people who have to have other people run their lives for them. I am now in the middle of Plan D, encompassing everything that has failed since I first applied for a basic practicum. Some things could work out in my favor, but history has a way of reoccurring. I’ve lost so much faith in myself it’s sometimes a struggle just to have enthusiasm to answer people when they ask what I’m going to school for. And it sucks.

Perhaps another reason my enthusiasm is just loneliness. All of my friends in this field either got their internships right away and are happily doing what I love, or we’re in a similar situation of not getting an internship like me and simply gave up.

Eh, all I can do is try. And fail. And try something else. Goodness knows if something actually ever goes the way I plan I may not know what to do with myself