“You Seem Fine!”

I’m not trying to put on a happy face. Things suck, and that’s how it is. Pictures and inspirational quotes don’t mean I’m not struggling just to breathe, that I am not awash in grief. I’m not in anyone’s club now. I have yet to read a story about 6 failed rounds of DEIVF. That’s not how it works, at least from what I’ve seen over the years.

Even if domestic adoption occurs, it’s apples and oranges. In no way does it solve or cure our broken hearts. There is no “at least” response that is acceptable to provide.

“Try a new donor,” someone said. An $18,000 lottery ticket…again? After 6 fails using the eggs of a 5 time proven donor? “Why not get a surrogate?” another said. Yes, as if I have $100,000 in my purse (sorry, not selling my house and living on the streets, kind of defeats the purpose). “It’s going to be okay, you will get through this.” Now just shut the fuck up with that. It’s not ever going to be okay that my ovaries gave up long ago. It’s not ever going to be okay that my body went through 9 A and B blastocysts like they were nothing. It’s not ever going to be okay that my body has failed over and over and over.

I told my husband this: even if the money supply were bottomless, if I had to endure another rejection I do believe that my heart would ​burst, and I might never recover. My mental health is teetering right now. After we got home from the coast, reality returned and I felt the sinking like no other. The gutteral wail that I could no longer suppress. The complete and utter loneliness of knowing we have no child from my womb, no little girl from Ethiopia, and no explanation why on either.

For those of you who have not gone through donor egg IVF, I have to be blunt: this is different than transfer fails with your own eggs. Ultimately, you’ve not had to say goodbye to your own genetic connection and then still see abject failure in another’s eggs that you paid $5,000 for, and see that happen six times.. And I’m not saying this in a “pain Olympics” kind of way, I’m simply saying that to get fucked six times in a row with someone else’s eggs where the success rates are close to 80% compared to traditional IVF’s which are that are less than half that? It’s beyond freakshow feeling. Then to have the adoption that we wanted (it was not an alternative to fertility treatments, it was something we always felt strongly about, in a non-Jesus-freak way) get canceled? Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit.

It’s fucked, and it sucks, and it’s not fair. Those are the only appropriate responses to what we’re dealing with.

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One thought on ““You Seem Fine!””

Lizzie

May 1, 2017 at 12:04 pm

Oh, Aimee. If any of your friends had a magic wand and could whoosh it around so that it would “fix” you (inside and out), we would be whoosing that m-f’er for all it was worth. All I (and everyone else who loves you) can do is give you my profound apologies and (virtually) hold your hand while you grieve. I am so sorry. I know you’re not doing your own “Pain Olympics”– you are grieving.You have every right to grieve as long as you feel the need to, and no one would or could judge you for that. What you and Dan have been through– NO ONE should go through and girl, if I could take that pain away from you, if any of your friends could, we would.
Please though, continue to share w/ us, because if you’re not sharing your grief, you’re not healing. And it would grieve all of us if you were to go silent. I am so sorry. Take all the time you need. We’re here for you. ❤

Fuck is right. Just brutal. I don’t get it and won’t even try to understand the why behind all this pain you guys have had to face. I can understand your comment about grieving donor egg failures simply because in my head that is the solution one finally gives into and certainly don’t expect it not to work. For it not too is just a complete mind fuck. As a reader and virtual supporter of yours my heart simply breaks and all I can offer is the fact that I think of you often and that I care about your pain and feel it however minuscule the amount is compared to yours. Even though this pain and grieving is entirely your own- please know so many of us surround you and want to offer any support we can. Right now that may not be anything we can possibly say or do but we are here. Xo

Iv had 1)FAIL 2)FAIL 3)FAIL 4)FAIL too…. 4 times so far using DE. Iv had the expensive journey to take months off work. Unpaid leave, and travel a 24 hour journey to the Athens clinics. One of my work colleagues was complaining how expensive it is to have a child. I said “Yeah, how about all the money Iv spent trying to fall pregnant?” That soon shut her up ! Im still trying although Iv already mentally given up. Good luck to Fuck all 😉

Reading this made me realize that no one every can walk in someone’s shoes. Someone may have had similar experiences but they don’t walk in our shoes or your shoes.
While I grieved everyone always said your okay. My response was I’m fine but in all honest I was screaming save me. Just because on the outside it looks fine not one person understands what is happening on the inside.