Hey,
everybody: After I stuck a sexual fantasy of my own into the
column—Brad Pitt coming all over Ashton Kutcher’s face—a reader
suggested that I devote an entire column to my readers’ sexual
fantasies. Upping the ante, I decided to have a sexual fantasy
contest, with prizes going to readers whose sexual fantasies
were selected for publication.

Well, after slogging through hundreds of e-mails from straight
guys and lesbians who want to do Britney Spears, Sarah Michelle
Gellar, Nicole Kidman and the Olsen Twins, and gay guys and
straight women who want to do to the guy in the Dell Computer
commercials, Russell Crowe, George Stephanopolous, John Walker
Lindh (in his clean-shaven, on-trial-for-his-life incarnation),
I’ve come to the conclusion that other people’s sexual fantasies
are BORING. Reading about other people’s sexual fantasies
is like listening to someone tell you about a dream he had
last night; it’s dull, dull, dull.

Therefore, I would like to apologize to my readers for boring
you with my sexual fantasy—Brad Pitt coming on Ashton Kutcher’s
face—and I’m canceling the sexual fantasy contest. Much thanks
to all who entered, but no prizes will be awarded. Sharing
my own sexual fantasy was a mistake, the contest was a mistake,
reading all of those e-mails was certainly a mistake. Instead
of tossing good column inches after bad, I’m going to cut
my losses and scrap the contest.

BUT, I love contests, so I’m replacing the sexual fantasy
contest with a bigger, better contest with BIGGER, BETTER
PRIZES!!! See if you can guess the nature of this contest
as read this week’s column.

OK,
so I’m an 18-year-old girl and I’m a virgin, and I want to
find some random guy to have sex with. Is that wrong?

—Pissed
Off Chick

Call
it “narrow-minded,” “mid-Victorian,” “puritanical,” or whatever
may come to mind, but sex outside of marriage is unacceptable.

What
is wrong with going all the way? Aside from the moral issues,
the best reason is this: It isn’t worth the risks. Sex outside
of marriage is a bad bargain when you measure what you stand
to gain against what you stand to lose. What are the gains?
Popularity? Nonsense. The pushovers may get a flurry of attention,
but it doesn’t last long. The word gets around, and soon the
free-and-easy “make-out” has a rotten reputation.

My
son recently came out as gay. I’m from the city and I’ve known
gay people, including some lovely couples, but my born-and-raised-on-the-ranch
husband refuses to believe two men can form a lasting bond.
He thinks all homosexuals are promiscuous and lonely, and
he’s worried for our son. I’ve told him that not all gay people
are like that.

—Montana
Momma

Unfortunately,
we are just like that. One of the main features of homosexuality
is promiscuity. It stands to reason. Homosexuals are trying
to do the impossible: Solving the problem with only half the
pieces. We say we want sexual gratification and love but we
eliminate, right from the start, the most obvious source of
love and gratification—woman.

My
girlfriend and I just had a baby and she’s breast feeding.
We’re concerned about one thing: We smoke pot. Will it harm
the baby?

—Chicago
Couple

Like
the answer to many other questions about marijuana, its effects
on babies are unknown. But there is certainly a strong possibility
it might be excreted in mother’s milk. Your baby is on a good
trip anyway when at its mother’s breast and marijuana probably
won’t make it any better. There is possible harm with the
use of any drug. Why take a chance?

I’m
a 21-year-old straight guy who has always been turned on by
rough stuff—nothing extreme, just little bites, slapping her
ass while I fuck her, holding her down while kissing. My current
girlfriend doesn’t like rough stuff, which is fine. I don’t
have to do it. But she tells me that I’m a sadist who hates
women and says she’s going to break up with me if I don’t
get into therapy.

—Rough
Stuff in Denver

The toughest
problem Christians have with sex is how to feel about their
own sexuality. In your case, a tinge of sadism can be a tolerable
eccentricity if it is controlled. There is an enormous difference
between a slight, seductive sadism, limited to playful skirmishes,
on the one hand, and compulsively destructive sadism on the
other. Playful sadism between sexual partners is controlled
by love; the lover stops when the partner complains.

I
have a boyfriend of about three years now who is getting increasingly
jealous and possessive, and developing little obsessions with
guys I see at work during the day. There seems to be no deterring
my boyfriend from his mistrust in me, despite the fact that
it is unfounded. Is there a way to curb this behavior?

—Jealous
Boyfriend Troubles

Jealousy
is a passion with which those most afflicted are least worthy
of love. No couple should allow their associations to develop
into an engagement and marriage if either one has any inclination
to jealousy. It shows invariably a want of sufficient confidence,
and that want of confidence, instead of being diminished after
marriage, is liable to increase, until by the aid of imagination
and wrong interpretation the home is made a hell and divorce
a necessity. Jealousy is always the sign of weakness or madness.
Avoid a jealous disposition.

OK,
did you guess the theme of this week’s column?

That’s
right, it’s PLAGIARISM! In honor of poor Doris Kearns Goodwin
and dumb ol’ Stephen Ambrose—two prominent historians caught
up in twin plagiarism scandals—all of the answers in this
week’s column were lifted from books of advice written by
other people. (All of the questions were sent in by my readers.)
Here’s how the contest works:

The
Grand Prize goes to the first person who can correctly identify
all five of the writers whose work I plagiarized, and give
me the name of the books I lifted these passages from: I WILL
FLY THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER TO LAS VEGAS FOR A FUN-FILLED WEEKEND,
I will put you up at The Bellagio, and I will personally join
you in Las Vegas for a long weekend of gambling, hookers and
booze, all of it on me. I’m offering such a grand Grand Prize
because I’m confident that NO ONE will be able to correctly
identify all five of the writers whose work I’ve plagiarized—not
even the braying jackasses at The Weekly Standard who
exposed Ambrose and Goodwin

I’m
so certain no one will win the Grand Prize, I’m going to offer
a Not So Grand Prize to anyone who correctly identifies four
of the writers whose work I’ve passed off as my own. The Not
So Grand Prize winner will be flown to Reno, Nevada, “The
Biggest Little City in the World,” for a fun-filled weekend
on me. Finally, anyone who can correctly identify three of
the writers gets a subscription to The Weekly Standard.
(If more than one person correctly IDs the writers I’m ripping
off this week—IMPOSSIBLE! NOT GONNA HAPPEN!—one winner will
be selected at random; the winner must live in the continental
U.S. or Canada. The deadline for entering this contest is
March 31, 2003, to give everyone plenty of time to do the
research.)