Sunday, December 16, 2007

Bliss

What is bliss?

According to www.answers.com, it is "Extreme happiness; ecstasy. The ecstasy of salvation; spiritual joy."

If this is what bliss is, then I want it. My heart is aching so much, and I just want to cry. I don't even know why I am writing on here. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable, I suppose. I just feel like my life is so out of control. It's like everything I ever relied on has been turned upside down, and now I am in just one big...mess.

I have a thousand and one people telling me to go this way or to do that thing there, but what is it that God is really saying to me right now? People have their opinions, their thoughts, their advice, but does any of it matter anymore? I feel so confused right now that I cannot even think clearly. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's what I told a friend earlier tonight anyway.

I haven't written in a while. I mean...truly written. I am sad about that. This is my passion. Gosh, I would give anything to just be able to...write, and to get paid for it. Maybe there is a clue there, but then again, who am I fooling? Who ever gave me permission to pursue my dreams? Nobody. Then again, do I need permission for this sort of thing? It seems to be that way.

Oh yeah, about bliss. For me, that word seems like a joke and maybe a never-ending fairytale that will never come to pass, at least not in this lifetime. I am the bottom of the barrel, the lowest of the low. I need a plan. I need a way out. I need to see God's face and hear His voice. Oh...and what do I get?....silence. I swear...lately when I have these times with God, which seem so few and far between, you can often hear a pindrop in the room because I don't hear HIM, and this makes me mad. It drives me crazy. God, I just want to hear You. I want to see You. I want to know that You are here, and You are listening to me when I cry out to You. Maybe it doesn't even need to just be when I cry out to You. Just the simple fact of knowing that Your mere existence is always and forever in my life. *Takes a deep breath.*

I feel like I am at a major crossroads. Where do I go? What do I do? Why does it seem that every single door in my life has been closed? I am sick of it all. God, where is Your still, small voice that You talk about in Your Word? Why must life seem so difficult and so hard to figure out? Do I really need to have all of the answers?....right now? Ugh. Earlier tonight, I came to an end. I buried my face in my hands, and I began to weep. I said, "God, You must not be real. I know You don't love me, and You certainly don't care. You are fake. You must be....You must be..."

I want bliss. I want a new beginning. I want the reassurance that everything is going to be okay. I am sick of slamming myself into these huge ass walls all of the time. What am I doing wrong? Does God hate me that much? Well, it's how I feel anyway. Is bliss real or just something people enjoy talking about but never really achieve it? Whatever it is....I just want to experience it.

1 comment:

Jess. I have only just skimmed over your blog. I found your site randomly and saw that you are a missionary...and a photographer. Do you have any images? Maybe I should look more on your blog. Anyways, here is my site to see what I am doing. www.dimensionsphotography.net. I hope where ever you are, God Provides.