By Tony Hicks
Wednesday, March 24th, 2010 at 10:50 am in Uncategorized.

I just got back from my fourth trip to DMV in a week (and, yes, there will be a fifth soon, because DMV employees automatically tell you something different every other time you show up and wait many hours for their attention).

But that’s not what this is about. Oh no. Because on my way back, I stopped at 7-11 for an energy drink and a snack. And, wow, did I hit the jackpot.

While selecting a sugar-free drink – because I have diabetes, which means I explode when I eat sugar – I came across a “Spike” shooter. Or, to be accurate, a SPIKE shooter. Above the title was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen on a soft drink can:

WARNING: NEVER EXCEED ONE CAN DAILY. READ ENTIRE LABEL BEFORE DRINKING.

Oh my. If that can was a girl, I would’ve asked it to the prom.

I went to the label and saw the usual energy drink stuff – maybe I missed the fancy name for nitroglycerin or whatever. But I did see another WARNING by the label, saying I couldn’t drink this if I was under 18, elderly, or on any other kind of stimulant.

It also said not to use if you’re being treated for high blood pressure, heart disease, spasms (?), or have psychiatric disease. At which point I wondered “After all these warnings, who else would drink this crap but someone who needs to be treated for psychiatric disease?”

This thing was only 8.4 ounces. A 24-ounce can could probably start a war.

It also said to “discontinue” if you experience dizziness, headaches, nausea or heart palpitations. And, of course, it also recommended not drinking within six hours of bedtime.

I immediately bought six.

Well, no, I bought one. But I couldn’t muster the courage to drink it. It now alluringly sits on my desk, practically daring me to drink it. Here I go …

UPDATE: 15 minutes after drinking half the can, I can say with absolute certainty that children and old people should not drink this stuff. Holy cow – and it’s not like I don’t already have a tolerance for energy drinks. Geez … I’m about ready to go home and alphabetize my CDs …

UPDATE: A half hour later and I’ve been uncontrollably yapping to co-workers. Well, for about ten minutes. Now I’m enjoying work way too much. Seriously, keep your kids away from Spike shooters. I haven’t even finished the 8.4 ounce can. This can’t end well.

UPDATE: An hour after the last post I still haven’t needed to finish the last sip – which is the last half of the can. I”m starting to wonder if I’m breaking some sort of law by drinking this stuff.

UPDATE: It’s just past 1 and I’m doing fine without the other half of the can. In fact, it became very obvious that the only meal I could eat for lunch that could logically go with a can of Spike Shooter is cafeteria chili. Three bites in and all’s quiet in the digestive tract …

UPDATE: It’s past 2, there’s no chili damage to report, and I’ve landed quite nicely from my four ounces of Spike. Which means it’s time to swill the rest of it. This is no time to quit while I’m ahead …

UPDATE: It’s approaching 5 p.m. I finished my Spike and am still upright. But – thanks to our blog Superman George Kelly – I also saw that news report posted above about kids in Colorado OD’ing on Spike. I believe it. This stuff is like plutonium – which is not (if you’re 18 or younger or have a heart condition) an endorsement (I have to say that for legal purposes in case anyone reads this and dies). Oh, who am I kidding – nobody reads this.