Battling with BPD, A toddler and life. Feel free to follow my not so private online journal !

Greif- Today I remember my Grandad!

So if you previously have read my blog or if you follow me on Instagram you will know that over two years ago I lost My grandad.

This isn’t something I tend to open up about really the only time I speak about loosing my Grandad is if I am already upset because I guess he would be somebody I would have gone to.

Loosing My Grandad was the worst and most shocking day of my life because even tho I knew he was poorly I was certain he was going to pull through like he always did! Because he was one of the strongest people I have ever known.

So when my mum and dad knocked on my front door on a work day and when I saw the look on their faces I just knew that he had gone! And that broke me into not just a million pieces but a trillion pieces maybe even more than that.

It was made worse by the fact that when I would tell people I lost my Grandad the first thing people would ask how old was he? And as soon as I said 80 they would say “well that’s a good age” this used to and actually still does upset me because it dosen’t matter how old he was ,he was a massive part of my life and I was never ready for him to go.

A lot people believe in spirits and that they will see that person again and that is fine like people have a right to believe what they want but I don’t, in a way I wish I did because I guess it would bring me some comfort but I don’t and I’m not going to pretend I do.

I can’t even tell you how amazing my Grandad was and this isn’t just my opinion this is the opinion of every single person who ever met my Grandad even if it was just for five minutes.

This says it all my Grandad may have been 80 but at his funeral there was over 250 people who came to show their respects so the crematorium was full so people had to watch the service on a screen in another room.

I do speak about my grandad and all the amazing memories we had but everytime I do it makes me more sad as it makes it more real that he has gone.

Like I know that some of you might be thinking you haven’t accepted the fact he has gone yet? I can honestly say yes I know he has gone but no I am not ready to accept it it which I guess is why I won’t let myself properly greive.

Yes I cry but I never just cry about my grandad I am usually upset about something else and then it turns into being upset about my grandad lol thats just typical for me.

I do think about my grandad a lot but more like he is alive even tho I know he is not. Like in my phone I still have it as G and G for grandma and grandad and a picture of them both even tho I know I’m not going to ring up one day and my grandad is going to magically answerbut I’m still not ready to give up on that little hope I have that it’s all a nightmare and he will answer!

I could literally talk about my Grandad all day but I will leave it as this for now.