I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22

Author: jsimpson112013

Step 1: put on some pump up jams, such as Timber, Wake Me Up, Papa Loves Mama (Garth Brooks is a no brainer) and Sexy Back

Step 2: Print out a blank March Madness Bracket

Step 3: Collect the teams Mascots and Star Players

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Step 4: Determine who wins each match up by the ferocity of the mascot and the attractiveness of the star player. If all else fails, choose the team with the better overall ranking or the team with the most familiar names (hint: this ranking is provided to you by the NCAA)

Step 5: Submit your selection to YAHOO! for the Billion Dollar Bracket and to your office pool. SPOILER ALERT – There is a reason they call it MARCH MADNESS [ SO many teams]

I would go so far as to suggest that he’s the worst bachelor in bachelor history. Even worse than Brad, who was the bachelor twice and still ended up alone. In his second season, he didn’t pick either woman. In retrospect that was probably for the best – if you are the bachelor twice and you still end up alone, there could be something wrong with you, or at the very least with the way you treat women.

This season has been painfully awkward. Initially I was amused, watching Juan Pablo struggle through basic conversations. By the third episode, however, I was tired of his excuses, mainly “English isn’t my first language”. I call bullshit. Juan Pablo has no difficulty seducing women, pulling out all the stops, to get in their pants, albeit with the help of the producers and the bachelor team.

The issue I have with Juan Pablo is that he uses his daughter to get out of things. To be clear, I am not saying he is a bad father nor am I questioning his parenting abilities. I simply have an issue with the excuse “ I have a daughter”. He didn’t worry about the ramifications when he was frolicking with “let me kiss you” Clare in the ocean after 2am (we all know nothing good happens after 2am). He wasn’t concerned about his daughter’s perception of him when he told Andi she was essentially his consolation prize. He wasn’t worried that people may tell his daughter that her father is a giant asshole. He did feign concern, however, when he didn’t want to kiss Renee or Cassandra. Ironically, he locked lips with both Sharleen and Clare in that particular episode.

What I don’t understand is why Juan Pablo went through all this trouble to sleep with a few women. I find it hard to believe that he was having a hard time finding consenting women in his home town. Due to the fact that he didn’t propose or profess his love to Nikki, I have reason to believe that he has no intention of getting married. I believe he used this experience to travel the world and seriously inflate his ego.

Thanks to the wonderful world of the internet, but mainly just thanks to twitter, it’s easy to find other Juan-Pablo-Haters. Some of the best tweets:

Don’t worry Juan Pablo. “IS OK”. Maybe Dancing with the Stars will reach out in 10 years, for the has been has-beens season. XOXO, women everywhere

P.S Elle had some far better season endings in mind, check it out here !

This season for the Lakers has been especially rough. Both Steve Nash and The Black Mamba are out indefinitely, and the remainder of the team has been plagued with a string of unfortunate injuries. We may have entered the Dark Ages. The Lakers played a game with 5 players AND on more than one occasion the coaching staff dressed in uniform, ready to step in (this is NOT a joke).

It’s hard to watch these games. More often than not, the great purple and gold fall by 20+ points. In the event that they pull out a win, it’s sloppy at best. To alleviate the pain, lets admire some of the NBA’s most eligible bachelors.

In no particular order, here are the top 6:

Nick Young: With his “Swaggy” style and contagious smile, Nick Young is pretty attractive. Add the number of instagram videos and pictures of his adorable son and he is irresistible. Rumor has it he is currently dating Iggy Azalea . Fun Fact: they met on twitter when Nick put her up as his #wcw. There is hope for you yet #mcm

Danilo Gallinari: Check out that smirk! Gallinari may be injured, but he has one hell of a court-side manner. Danilo is an italian hunk. At the young age of 25 he’s the perfect “Mr. Right Now”. Considering that he modeled for Armani, its safe to assume he looks good in a suit.

Xavier Henry: With his piercing green eyes and playful smile, Xavier is the guy you want to show off to your parents. Until proven otherwise I’ll assume he is an eligible bachelor.

Kevin Love: Not only is he tall and quick on his feet, Love is a momma’s boy, aka the perfect gentleman. As a UCLA grad, he’s well educated, knows how to wear a suit, and may be by default a Lakers fan. Kevin Love to LA

Dwight Howard: disclaimer: I hate Howard. mainly because of the fool he made of himself and the city of Los Angeles with that sour deal last year. All of that aside, he is a pretty good looking dude, even with that goofy grin and his big-mouth.

Serge Ibaka: Washboard abs. Engaging Smile. Those Abs. This 24 year old from the Congo plays for the great OKC and is a decorated olympian. With 17 siblings, you know he’s a family man.

I’ll admit I’m a pretty loyal fan of the Bachelor. It doesn’t matter who the bachelor is (unless Brad comes back, he sucks), I watch it every week and dissect each date and interaction with my mother. If I had a plethora of friends, I would have a viewing party, offering champagne, chocolate and long stem red roses. Nothing like a good cat fight, some ugly crying and a little bit of bitch-slapping to get your week started. THANK GOODNESS this show airs on Monday’s.

I will admit that the “contestants” just keep getting weirder and weirder. The internet has gone crazy discussing the professional dog lover – although this profession is strange, did you see the puppy she brought to the premier?

I want to know why we aren’t talking about the “Free Spirit” ?? She showed up with no shoes on… COME ON! Where are you finding these people? If I was Juan Pablo and someone showed up without shoes AND PUT HER FEET ON MY LAP, i would have sent her home immediately. No one likes feet, especially during an introduction – it’s best to keep those dirty things to yourself.

Chris Harrison, I know you can do better. Now that you are divorced I guarantee you have young attractive women up in your business ALL THE TIME. Let’s be honest, I would apply for the show just for the chance to meet you, and then, of course, become the best bachelorette of all time (Ali comes in as a close second). For a sneak peak of my bachelor application, check out my dating ad.

The previews for this season are out of control. Can’t wait to see which “lucky lady” Juan Pablo ends up with. Here’s to hoping this ends as well as Trista and Ryan, or as I refer to them, the CBCOAT aka the cutest bachelorette couple of all time !

Life Motto #1: Keep That Ego in Check [or you will be sad, lonely, friendless and potentially poor]

There will always be someone less intelligent, less funny or less attractive than you.

At the same time, there is always going to be someone smarter than you. Chances are there is someone 10 times smarter than you.

Be cautious of your soaring ego. If it soars too high, you’ll never catch up.

Just in case you don’t feel that I am a credible source for advice, check out the great Einstein [disclaimer: I have no way of knowing if he actually said this. Or if it is one of those wonderfully terrible internet concoctions]

As it turns out, you don’t just get to wake up one morning and suddenly become an astronaut, a nail polish namer, a prime quidditch player or a famous boy-band fangirl.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about my dream career and I have had a “Stroke of Genius” (full novel coming soon). Unfortunately, the rules and guidelines around these parts forbid me from sending my excellent life plan to The Travel Channel or Bravo for consideration. I even checked with MTV as a LAST RESORT, and they too were “too good” to hear from me. Apparently, you can’t share any of your ideas with people in the industry unless you have an agent or a manager. If you choose to send them your ideas anyway, they are allowed to steal you ideas without any repercussions. Clever, clever move on their part.

For kicks and giggles, check out my compelling plea to The Travel Channel:

Dear Travel Channel Geniuses,

You need me. You need me to really get in touch with a potentially awesome, and much, much younger audience.

Two of my favorite travel shows happen to be created and presented by you. Anthony Bourdain is great. He crass, rude, and always knows where to get some good old alcohol. Andrew Zimmerman is jolly. He eats weird foods in the strangest of places.

Both of these shows revolve are men. Not just men, but older men. One with a terrible drug fueled past, and another who reminds me of my uncle. He always has candy and plenty of bear hugs. For men and older women (and I guess myself) this is great. People love to watch, especially when Andrew eats some strange bug or animal part and is a great sport. I attribute this to the fact that it would be incredibly rude to tell these indigenous people that the food they create and cherish is terribly foul and disgusting, but I digress.

I believe you need a younger, and relatively attractive female to really up the ante on your travel shows. If i may be so modest, I fit this part. I know i fit this part because I have created it for myself. It’s genius. 100% genius.

Before I get carried away, I should introduce myself. My name is Jennifer Simpson. I am 22 years old and was born and raised in the wonderful part of the USA called Southern California.

I don’t have a boyfriend, in part because I am incredibly picky and because “ain’t nobody got time for that”. This is GREAT news for you – I have nothing to hold me back AND I can teach people the ways of single-girls from America. I am an avid Lakers fan, I have a soft spot for boy bands, old and new, and macarons are my favorite foods, as are cannolis. Please, treat me to these delicacies in their native countries, France and Italy. A single girl in France is practically begging for a TV show, hell, that story line writes itself.

In order for this show to be successful, i need to find my niche. It’s quite simple really – Single girl eats her way across the world in search of the best food; snacks and desserts, maybe with a few specialty cocktails along the way. Ideally I would interview other young successful women, and of course, sexy foreign men on their quest to become the best of whatever profession they so choose. Since this will be on camera, you and my wonderful audience will be entertained by my array of facial express as well as my hilarious and eloquent way of talking.

The upside of this plan is that this show doesn’t currently exist. Who better to travel the world in search of the best snacks than me? There is never a bad time to snack, be it in the morning, afternoon or the middle of the night.

For your ultimate consideration,

Ms. Jennifer Simpson

I was planning on including this image to show how much I love to snack

The 405 might be the worst freeway in the US. Followed closely behind all of those Turnpikes on the East Coast, I’ve been lost on the New Jersey Turnpike more times than I’d like to admit.

Basic rules/tips to survive driving in the City of Angels:

Merging: When you get on the freeway you need to merge into fast-moving traffic. Do NOT merge on the freeway at 35mph. Not only is this dangerous, you anger other drivers. Beware, the person you cut off may be having a truly horrible day.

Lane Ending/exit only lane: When the lane you are in is ending, you are given plenty of warning time to move over. If you are that jerk that wait until the last possible minute to get over so that you can be two seconds ahead of the rest of the cars, I will not let you over. I waited my turn, you can wait yours.

The 405 and 101 interchange: This will always go hand in hand with traffic. Do not be that person that cuts in between the two lanes up until the last quarter-mile hoping to get their faster. News flash: the traffic isn’t moving in either lane. Calm down

Speed limit: The speed limit on most CA freeways is 65mph. PLEASE drive at least 65. Even if you are in the slow lane, don’t cruise along at 45-50. This is DANGEROUS. and incredibly irritating for all other drivers. The only people driving under 65 should be truckers, and maybe families driving fancy motorhomes. Likewise, don’t zip through the slow lane at 90mph, everybody hates you.

Personalized License Plates: I don’t understand why people pay for these. If you are driving around with a personalized plate that says “RDNDRTY”, “CHILNM3” or some similar variation, I automatically assume you are a self-absorbed asshole. Sorry, I’m not sorry. If you really have the need to express yourself and your clear masculinity, buy a clever bumper sticker. It costs less, and should you grow up and realize no one cares that you’re “Riding Dirty”, you can remove the sticker. No harm, no foul.

Bumper Stickers: bumper stickers are not the worst invention, when used appropriately. If you want to decorate your car with bumper stickers, limit yourself to 3 stickers. Anything more than that is obsessive. There is no need to have any old, expired political bumper stickers. You also don’t need to put a cross or other religious symbol on your window. My personal favorite: the family bumper stickers, pets included. WHY in this day and age would you list your entire family AND everyone’s names ? Do you know how many creepy people there are? By putting this on your car, you are essentially inviting pedophiles and other creeps to stare into your vehicle and potentially knock on your door (if you park your car in the driveway).

Red lights: Don’t be stupid. Don’t run them

Proper etiquette: If you have to cut someone off, wave to them as if you are saying “Thank you”. They may be irritated that you cut them off, but at least you acknowledged them.