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Israel to build settlements ‘up William Hague’s nose’

The Israeli government has announced its intention to build 1000 new dwellings up William Hague’s nose. Foreign Secretary William Hague says he is ‘monitoring the situation’ but told the Commons ‘further action could upset the balance in the Middle East at a difficult time, and despite personal discomfort, and the alleged illegality of the building, we think the best option is to maintain calm and keep a watchful eye on developments in my nose.’

Dr Jeremy James, an Ear Nose and Throat consultant from St Thomas’s hospital told reporters he didn’t see any medical reason why the building should not go ahead, though he accepted there could be danger of loss of sleep if construction went on round the clock. ‘It’s obviously a delicate situation but I would suggest, in the interests of world peace, that Mr Hague remains calm and allows things to take their natural course. He is not a hayfever sufferer and I have warned him not to blow his nose with excessive force until the builders confirm foundations have been firmly established.’

The dwellings, the first ever to be constructed in a serving minister’s nasal orifices would be in direct contradiction of UN resolutions and international law, as well as local planning regulations, but the London Borough of Westminster said it was ‘powerless to act’, unless the dwellings broke established building regulations. ‘We will monitor these new dwellings, especially for inappropriate garage doors,’ a spokesperson said. ‘We are also taking legal advice about the health and safety implications.’

The Israeli Housing minister Uri Ariel said Israel had a right to preserve its national security by building new settlements anywhere on earth including the bodily orifices of world statesmen and women. ‘Israel has a duty to its peoples to maintain control over its geographical borders, and the dwellings in these barren places serve as a constant reminder of our rights. So far, there have been no major attacks, but any attempt to disrupt the building will be interpreted as an act of nuclear war, and Israel will respond appropriately, and this could mean an end to peace talks.’