Really depressed

I have been home less than a week now- and already for the last 3 days my parents have been telling how I should lose weight, stop eating etc... It's like everytime I eat anything- and I just eat my main meals.... thats it- sometimes take a 2nd portion if Im not full.

I was near my 1st stone award when I stopped my meetings- because I had exams and was revising- since then- Im sure I put on some weight- not sure how much- but Im planning to get back on track as soon as these exams are over- my consultant is aware of this.

I just find the comments at home really depressing- they are acting like Im not dieting at all and how they know better! Many of my friends have noticed my weight loss- when I came from uni lots of my trousers were looser... they are not starting to fit again...

Im so depressed- there is no way to do the diet properly here. I just dont know why Im bothering anymore

The attitude to my weight really upsets me- like Im really trying.

Yesterday we all went out- apparently what I wore was too revealing so they told me to wear something else. So I did- and then it was 'too fitting' and my dad told me to put on a cardigan! Because my top showed off my freaking boobs too much! For f*** sake- I was covered up to my neck- it was a plain knitted sweater FULL sleeved- and it showed nothing- even when I bent down- but apparently it showed my boobs being too freaking big!

Well what the hell am I meant to do shop then off???? Im never allowed to look nice- at Uni everyone always complement me on how nicely I dress- whereas at home my parents just find it repugnant- Im so depressed I feel like I might just give up on the whole thing

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You know, you don't have to sit around and listen to crap like that. People can only treat you badly if you stick around to let them.

Anger is no good but nor is bottling it all up. If I was in your shoes I would say very calmly but firmly that I am an adult and wish to be treated that way...that my style of clothing and food habits is no bodies business but my own and if they can't say anything nice or positive to please keep their thoughts and unkind words to themselves. Then I would get up and leave the room. Don't stick around to argue the point with them...state your case and leave it with them.

If you can't confront the issue, then avoid it. Stop eating with them, cook for yourself and eat in your room, don't socialize with them and if you're told to change your clothing, politely refuse.

It must be hard to remain positive around so much negativity but you are strong and you can ignore them...practice detachment...it's hard but very much worth it. They say something mean...don't even answer it, just leave the room, bite your tongue and do your thing for YOU.

Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on and always, always, always believe in yourself. Because if you don’t, then who will? ~ Marilyn Monroe

Don't give up, I actually think they're trying to help you by going around it in a very insensitive way. I get the same at home, but I actually eat loads and my dad always remarks how he doesn't understand how I lose weight. If I was you I'd just do my own thing, that's what you do at university and you seem much happier. Your parents are probably struggling with your transformation from being dependent on them to being very independent and not needing them at all, and therefore they're trying to reinstate their authority over you by telling you what to wear exactly like a parent would do to a small child. It might help if you told them how you feel and that you’re going through a very stressful time with your exams, and if they want you to exceed in them they should support you not go against you. And once your exams are out of the way that's when you'll concentrate on losing weight or whatever
x

it doesn't sound like they are letting you grow up, and by being so outwardly critical towards you is obviously taking its toll on you and i would imagine your confidence. its hard, because its so easy to cut 'friends' out of our lives if they treat us badly. family however is a different matter, i've had ups and downs with my parents(some of it weight related too and i was only 15/16 at the time), i tried cutting them out of my life and it didn't work, they're my flesh and blood and the only family i have bar my aunt and uncle. after a lot of heartache and now 10 years on we are ok. i do think the key is to talk, if you can't talk about it then do what i did and write all your feelings down in a letter. my dad didn't realise how upset i was because i never had the courage to tell them. the letter i wrote was the stepping stone to a better understanding of each other.

you sound understandably upset by it all, and the stress of your exams on top of that too cannot be easy. lots of luck with your exams, and i hope you can resolve something with your family, but whatever you do, don't let anyone bring you down, theres nothing worse than having someone in your ear telling you to do this and do that....that why it took me so long to do things in my life, because there was always someone nagging me to get it done. just ignore it and do it whan YOU are ready. good luck xxxx

If you live with your family during holidays then you can't ignore them. Speak to them and say how their comments upset you and ask them to stop.
If this doesn't work then you'll have to develop a thick skin and put it down to their own insecurities rather than anything wrong with you.
Don't change your outfit because they say so, politely say that you're happy with what you've got on and that you manage to dress yourself when at Uni and have never een asked to change by anyone there!
it's not going to e easy but at least you'll be happier to be making yourself heard.

Your parents need to recognise that you are now an adult. This means you can eat what you want, diet in whatever way works for you, and wear whatever you want. Next time your dad 'tells' you to put on a cardigan, politely remind him that you don't need fashion advice from him.
I'd suggest you talk to your mum initially about it, as it sounds like its your dad who has the issues with what you wear. She might be able to give you some ideas about how to approach the subject with your dad without it getting into an argument. But don't get her to talk to him for you - thats what kids do and you are NOT a kid anymore. You need to approach this in an adult way to help make him realise that you are an adult.

If all else fails, do what i did - don't go home in the holidays. I know its an extreme measure, but it helped me no end. i don't mean cut them out of your life entirely - this is not usually possible, or even a good idea, but would it not be better to stay at uni in the hols? I always found this better as I was nearer the library so studying was easier, my routine wasn't disrupted by being at home and i could eat what & when I wanted rather than what was cooked for me.

Thank you all for your very nice comments. I'm from quite a conservative background- unfortunately my parents are crazy traditional. Im thinking of moving out of home permanently this year. I have been thinking it for a while but I don't have the resources.

Im trying to let it not get to me but it's very difficult- my parents don't like me knowing stuff more than they do... it's very frustrating they still act like I'm 5.

I am sure your parents are full of the best intentions and probably do not realise the damage they are doing to you and their relationship with you.

It is a difficult one to resolve while you are under their roof and the best defense is no defense as it will only cause more grief for yourself.

It seems that your parents are over protective and see you as an extension of themselves and do not see you as an individual in your own right and they probably won't until you leave home and are independent.

Focus on your exams and try and not let them get you down...your exams are your key to freedom and becoming your own person.

As Katty has said you could try and talk to them if they are willing to listen or write them a letter as the written word can be more powerful...either way whatever you decide come at it with sympathy, compassion and understanding that they think what they are doing is right for you and only have your best interest at heart.

However I would not hold my breath that your parents are willing to see it from your point just yet as they are probably not ready to let you go and become a woman as I would assume the issues they have with you are transference from themselves and a lot to do with their own up bringing...if you are able to step back and look at them with mature eyes you will no doubt see two parents who are afraid and powerless of losing what they hold most dear and that is you...they are just going the wrong way about it.

Thank you all for your very nice comments. I'm from quite a conservative background- unfortunately my parents are crazy traditional. /QUOTE]
I really feel for you - its very difficult when you have been brought up by traditional, conservative parents. I was brought up by my dad, and he was very strict/traditional with us, rarely allowing us out, not allowing us to wear revealing clothes and insisting we were polite, never talked at the table etc. I remember going to friends for dinner once and asking to leave the table when i'd finished dinner - they looked at me like I was insane.

The thing is, there is nothing wrong with having a old fashioned upbringing, but its not a reason for treating you this way.

Have you discussed hardship bursaries etc with the university? I was sooo skint in my final year that I applied for a bursary which i didn't need to pay back. All I had to do was list my incomings (loans, grants, pay from part time jobs) and then my outgoings (rent, food, books etc), and they gave me the difference - about £1000. It might help you with the costs of moving out? Your student union should also be able to give you advice as well.

Here's a suggestion. Do you have a printer? Then print out your original post and give them each a copy. Maybe print out some or all of the replies as well.

Because the way you have described how you feel in your first post is so powerful and so moving, that perhaps it would make them realise the damage they are doing to you and to their relationship with you.

It might not work - but you need to find a way to tell them what is happening, and this might be what you need to shock them into changing.

I really do feel you sweetie, my weight (and ignorant people) have made me seriously depressed in the past. As far as I have found, there is only one solution, hold your head up high and tell them to mind their own business! You can do it, you've already done it, and you can do it again. I have faith in you! :hug99:

I am back at Uni now and trying to salvage what I can without letting the blues getting to me again. It is very upsetting for me- I was on antidepressants a while back and then stopped them as I felt I was not getting better. I had since been trying actively to try and control it myself- and I was doing very well- up to when I went home.

It's difficult for me because although I wish to be independent, my upbringing and my parents feelings and attitudes keep holding me back. I know how seriously unhealthy it is for me to now go home- I realised that at the end of the day I have to look after myself and if that means that I can't be the person they want me to be then so be it.

It's very difficult at Uni, I am doing a very challenging course, and I have not made many friends. I spend too much time on my own ruminating- and eating.

My low self esteem meant that I made lots of unhealthy friendships- which I have now cut off. I would like to reinstate a social circle of some kind again but I am unsure on how to do that.

If you have v few friends and not much of a social life at uni you are really missing out in the best bit honey. I managed to to a degree, 2 part time jobs and a student union position at uni and came out with a 2:1 and loads of great memories - and most importantly - friends i still see regularly 10 years on - don't use your degree course as an excuse to not enjoy yourself.
Find some social clubs to join, get involved, get out there & make some friends. They can't find you if you are stuck in your room can they?? You are the only one who can change things.

I am back at Uni now and trying to salvage what I can without letting the blues getting to me again. It is very upsetting for me- I was on antidepressants a while back and then stopped them as I felt I was not getting better. I had since been trying actively to try and control it myself- and I was doing very well- up to when I went home.

It's difficult for me because although I wish to be independent, my upbringing and my parents feelings and attitudes keep holding me back. I know how seriously unhealthy it is for me to now go home- I realised that at the end of the day I have to look after myself and if that means that I can't be the person they want me to be then so be it.

It's very difficult at Uni, I am doing a very challenging course, and I have not made many friends. I spend too much time on my own ruminating- and eating.

My low self esteem meant that I made lots of unhealthy friendships- which I have now cut off. I would like to reinstate a social circle of some kind again but I am unsure on how to do that.

My first WI in three weeks is tmw- I hope I have not put so much on

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Pick an activity that you like and see what clubs they have to it at uni or on meetup.com in your area. This can be anything, I've made lots of new friends through Roller derby, but also attend knitting meets (I know rock n roll right?).

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