redemptions

Skoalrebel Now With 100% Fewer N-, F-Words

Well here’s a happy little inspirational story to make your Monday a little sun-shinier: the artist formerly known as Skoalrebel has returned to the YouTube after going off the grid for several months, after all you hateful Internet banshees mocked him off the webcam. Apparently he used this time away to engage in deep spiritual reflection, because he’s not racist no more!

He’s also found God and stopped swearing, and he’s got some shiny new sunglasses to protect his peepers from the blinding brightness of the Lord’s holy light because you have to ease into these things, and he’s chewing Timber Wolf, which was Jesus’ preferred brand of chew. See, staying off the Internet can be good for some people!

Speaking of branding, don’t call him Skoalrebel no more because he’s now “mudjugsforlife21,” to celebrate the coming of a new day in America. You Wonkette subscribers are probably clueless about what “mudjugs” are, because of elitism, but they are elegant “portable spittoons.” Sargeant Spitter, one of mudrebel69’s brothers in Christlike expectoration, and who also wears shiny sunglasses, explains how these sacred American-made vessels are manufactured in this here instructional terror film:

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

Oh Skoalrebel mudjugsforlife21, you had me at hello. Or whatever the hell you were muttering throughout that little piece. As for you, “Sargeant Spitter,” FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP. And that goes double for your girlfriend/wife/cousin/mom in the Confederate flag bikini top. Yummy!

O_o

Wait… Barry Poostain Fartbama didn’t ban flavored dips after all? So does he still need to be “fuckin’ ‘peached” or what?!? I’m so confused!

Covering this must be the Wonkette equivalent of Cool Hand Luke being forced to alternately dig up and fill in a dirt hole.

Spike

There is gold on the Mud Jugs site, under “Satisfied Dippers”:

“I received a Mud Jug for my birthday. I only have to have one beer can out now, so I no longer have to look inside a can before I take a drink of my beer. This has really taken a load off of me. Thank you Mud Jug!”

“I was skeptical at first, but decided to try the Mud Jug and bought one. Ain’t never going back to cups. My girlfriend thinks it’s attached to my hand. Told her that’s why God gave me two.”

NopantsMcGee

Geez, how depressing, mudjugsforlife. I can’t even make fun of you.

JadedDIssonance

I Offer My Humblest Apologies for Failing to Properly Express my Emotional Response to Your Fantastickal Pamphlet of the Day. I was Somewhat Occupied with the Regurgitation of my Breakfast.

Elephants Gerald

Sumbitch had some work done, I’m sure. I’m thinkin he’s been out to the west coast for some plastic surgery – or at least he got botoxed in his face. He can barely move his lips any more. It’s sad.

Spike

And the very best Mud Jugs testimonial:

“You should see how sweet my black, 1981 Jeep CJ5 looks with my chrome Bulls Balls and my matching chrome Mud Jug. Draws a lot of good attention if you know what I mean. Never leave home without my Mud Jug. Jeeps rule!”

Because you just gotta have a Mud Jug to match your Truck Nutz…

thesheriffisnear

Makes me homesick for my time at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri in the middle of the Ozarks. Yeah, it was the meth capital of the world but the Barbeque…C’est magnifique.

Dashboard_Buddha

Ok folks…help me out here. Spittoons…in the desert? Aren’t they driving around IN THE FUCKING DESERT? Do the camels wear diapers?

Texan Bulldoggette

[re=559159]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Ooops, meant ‘mud jugs’…damn Mattress Firm ad was covering the left part of the comment box.

x111e7thst

Why did the LA hippies fail to beat Sgt Spitter? I am not pleased by this omission.

smitallica

Most videos with that much dejected mumbling end with the mumbler eating a bullet. This one, sadly, does not. Oh well, maybe next time.

bureaucrap

The failure of the Administration to make portable spittoons part of all Americans’ health care coverage is inexcusable.

freakishlystrong

I wonder if they’ll haul their spittoons to the rally in Virginny today?

padrekino

check it out: there’s a confirmed link between mud jugs and truck nutz! See the testimonial by “Tom Y” at the bottom of the Friends page at mudjug.com. really.

[re=559159]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Same here; really, does the word “jugs” ever get used these days except when referring to breasts? But hey, it’s not like there’s plenty of common objects the chaw users could use to spit into.

As for these elitist portable spittoons, ’round my old neck of the woods, an empty can of Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper worked just fine, TYVM. Snob.

Monsieur Grumpe

Boy, was Andy Warhol wrong.

Mr Blifil

Since Newell always goes on about “the dickens,” I can’t think of the subject of tobacco chewing without summoning up the experiences of The Dickens from his first visit to Amer-uh-cuh in 1842:

As Washington may be called the head-quarters of tobacco-tinctured saliva, the time is come when I must confess, without any disguise, that the prevalence of those two odious practices of chewing and expectorating began about this time to be anything but agreeable, and soon became most offensive and sickening. In all the public places of America, this filthy custom is recognised. In the courts of law, the judge has his spittoon, the crier his, the witness his, and the prisoner his; while the jurymen and spectators are provided for, as so many men who in the course of nature must desire to spit incessantly. In the hospitals, the students of medicine are requested, by notices upon the wall, to eject their tobacco juice into the boxes provided for that purpose, and not to discolour the stairs. In public buildings, visitors are implored, through the same agency, to squirt the essence of their quids, or ‘plugs,’ as I have heard them called by gentlemen learned in this kind of sweetmeat, into the national spittoons, and not about the bases of the marble columns. But in some parts, this custom is inseparably mixed up with every meal and morning call, and with all the transactions of social life. The stranger, who follows in the track I took myself, will find it in its full bloom and glory, luxuriant in all its alarming recklessness, at Washington. And let him not persuade himself (as I once did, to my shame) that previous tourists have exaggerated its extent. The thing itself is an exaggeration of nastiness, which cannot be outdone.

V572625694

[re=559191]Mr Blifil[/re]: Nice. Because after all: A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.

Come here a minute

testafy, bruther.

rocktonsammy

Take away the hat and the sunglasses and all you have left is some shouty ginger from D.C.

Or FOX NEWS.

Horrorism

Those swollen cheeks will disguise his jaw cancer long after it becomes inoperable.

Also, whats up with hillbillies and tiny mouths?

Dashboard_Buddha

[re=559214]Horrorism[/re]: I think you meant to say “purty mouths”.

queeraselvis v 2.0

[re=559159]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: [re=559187]JMP[/re]: That was my first thought; specifically, “Oh my god, is Skoalrebel going to give us a treatise on wriggling boobies around in mud?” The mental image I conjured was too horrible for words.

TeddyKGB

“Ugh. I can actually hear you getting fatter (and dumber).”

magic titty

Wow. Not what I thought mud jugs were. At all.

[re=559161]norbizness[/re]: Nice!

chaste everywhere

[re=559189]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: You mean ’cause Our Boy has now had two different fifteen minutes’ worth of fame, or ’cause he is not, by any human definition and no matter how much we squint, beautiful?

SayItWithWookies

Wow — more than 18 minutes of cornfed, chipmunk-cheeked incomprehensible redneck pignorance. I’ma gonna hafta wait on watching this until the proper setting comes along. Granted I may never get captured by the Staunton Militia, put in a container box, beaten to a bloody pulp and left there for days until I’m eating shoe leather and babbling like Bugsy Seigel, but in some cases, setting is everything.

Harvey Birdman

Cartman + kitten video = mudjugs.

Chickensmack

Your god has spoken, Skoalrebel. He wants you to commit seppukake.

bitchincamaro

[re=559214]Horrorism[/re]: Also, whats up with hillbillies and tiny mouths? “Tiny” and “purty” are interchangeable, here.

WideStance

For a person to get his “life back on track” (Testamony at 5:35) inevitably requires assistance from outside sources. My guess in the Rebel’s case is an accidental dose of roofies.

PsycGirl

I’m not clicking either of those links and you can’t make me. You’ve scarred me for life too many times already.

Downtheroadapiece

That’s it. I’m declaring patio furniture indoors as the new trend and bringing mine into the living room right now. Skoalrebel is a trend setter!

Barrelhse

Maybe he should take another little break and learn how to spell.

Jim89048

[re=559214]Horrorism[/re]: Tight!

boy_howdy

At this point I really am feeling badly for the poor sap. Sure, there’s plenty to comment on. The heavy breathing (even over a simple task like lifting a tin of tobacco). “I’m gonna try something different here” followed by the finger in his ear (because pro-God vids are nothing new for him, after all). The objects in the background (looks like a guitar and a paddle for spanking). The question of when the Lord will be healing him of his snuff addiction. The chair! By now he could pay his trailer rent just putting that thing up on eBay. Or maybe it deserves a spot in the Smithsonian next to Archie Bunker’s.

But seriously… he doesn’t look well, and he’s very depressed. The reason the knives came out for this guy wasn’t just the original vid, but the way he reacted to the criticism. That’s what got his accounts canceled, to the point where his dad (!) pulled the plug on his internet connection entirely. Now he’s back, and he hasn’t learned much, but he has learned. He’s actually apologized. For everything. And he just wants people to leave him alone on YouTube.

We can snark all we want to on here (and I’m looking forward to the next 100 posts), but I hope nobody from here is harassing him over there. It’s not too much to ask.

sezme

[re=559389]boy_howdy[/re]: What you say is true, but asking YouTube commenters not to make fun of him is like asking Sarah Palin to maybe lay low for a bit.

badmuthagoose

Um, does anyone have a transcript? I have the laptop fired up as high as it’ll go and the volume on youtubes the same and I cannot understand a word this guy is saying.

I live in Texas, for Christ sake. It’s not about translating. I can translate. But between his goddamned mush mouth and the lack of volume, I can’t tell what the hell he’s saying and he’s MY INTERNET BOYFRIEND AND I’M SO EXCITED HE’S BACK!!!!

I will liberalize him one day, mark my words. A SOUTHERN BOY CAN SURVIVE!

badmuthagoose

Oh and I thought for sure “mudjug” would be something really perverted.

I figured “mudjugs” were literally old gallon milk jugs, filled with mud. Seemed like the kind of thing crazy hillbillies would keep on their front porch, and probably be very happy about for some reason.

monkeyball

[re=559162]Spike[/re]: One girl, two cups?

norbizness

[re=559389]boy_howdy[/re]: I’m with you, but only for the self-interested reason that I think we’re barrel-scrapping dumbfucks for ever giving a rat’s ass (and also not losing IQ points by osmosis in watching it).

HuddledMass

I think that’s a skateboard leaning up next to the guitar. I hope he doesn’t use it, the poor fucktard, that’s just inviting disaster.

[re=559525]Mr Blifil[/re]: If only he knew how. But then his fellow Brethren of the Snakeskin Jug wouldn’t be able to commune with him on the finer points of vegetable husbandry.

Spike

I wonder if you can get Truck Nutz for you Mud Jugs?

Alaska Girl

[re=559596]Spike[/re]: Mud Nutz? Jug Nutz? Call Marketing and get them to work on this.

boy_howdy

[re=559578]Bearbloke[/re]: I can’t imagine anybody really wants to see his tits.

american mutt

I, i has sad for mudjugs.

nappyduggs

[re=559620]Alaska Girl[/re]:

Wasn’t JugNutz in those old “Archie” comics? I loved those.

skoal rebel

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever beleves in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” john3:16

scooterKPFT

[re=559922]skoal rebel[/re]: yup

Boojum

Is it wrong for me to think of this as evidence of a loving God? I mean, he said, “God saved me,” and I can’t imagine anyone other than a being of infinite love doing that. Kind of like “a face only a mother could love” times infinity.