When Your Fortune Cookie Talks to You, You Better Listen – Learning to Love by Loving Yourself First

Here’s the deal. I have always wanted to be skinny. Always. Ever since I was a little girl, playing with Barbie dolls and watching countless hours of TV, I have yearned to be that skinny, beautiful, perfect, size nothing wearing, float away like a feather, everybody loves her, tiny girl. How that became my goal over being a Neurosurgeon or Veterinarian or, hell, how about, Professional Love Crusader, is what I believe to be a product of too many societal norms, "gendering", and my own lack of self-worth due to aggressive bullying and other circumstances outside of my control, but that is a conversation for another time. The fact is, I had never (sometimes have never, because I'm human and will always be remembering the good)thought I was aesthetically attractive enough. That is the honest truth. This is the kind of longing only some of you will understand. It’s a feeling that couples with painful, hurtful, unloving thoughts. "Why can’t I look like her. Why can’t my body be different. Why do I look like this and she looks like that. I hope I never look like that!"

It’s comparison. It’s separation. It’s how you become a prisoner to your thoughts and in your body. It’s how most of us are living our lives without talking about it. It’s how so many women want to be different than they are. It’s how we desire to be more attractive, have smaller thighs, smaller tummy, bigger boobs, longer legs, insert “not good enough and wish was other” part here. This wanting to be different than we are is robbing us of our joy. It is denying our inherent right to exist freely in our natural state of being. It is denying our beauty. It is denying our right to shine. It is denying our perfection exactly as we are. It is ruining our days and hours and our ability to bask in the special moments we have with others.

For me, it is how I became that unobtainable size 0, dove into Anorexia and Orthorexia and Bulimia, over exercised until my body gave up on me, lost my period for over a year, redeveloped a binge eating disorder, was always sick, lapsed into pneumonia which, due to nutrient lack, took over a year to recover from, had my cognitive abilities deteriorate, became lost in the drive to maintain this identity I was clinging for dear life to, then of course, had a full on breakdown.

I would not, for one second, trade the deep love and ease that exists within me now for being skinny.

Of course the above mentioned is an extreme example of not honoring the magic you are born with, but I want to express that by simply rejecting (any) part of yourself, you are slowly killing your essence and the joy you were born to experience. I know that sounds a little over the top, but think about it for a second. All of the parts of you, the amazing parts, the skilled parts, the jiggly bits, the round and squishy, the funny parts, the sexy parts, the “bad” parts that you hide, the parts that you are ashamed of, the parts you think are F’d up, the beautiful parts, and the parts everybody loves!, they are ALL you. And that is epic and incredible. What a wonder that humans are such complex beings. We should be so lucky! By denying the parts of you that you don’t love, you are slowly destroying the totality of wonder that is YOU.

I have recently made a very scary deal with myself. As those evil, “not good enough” thoughts creep in, I will simply and boldly tell myself, “that Shira is gone.” We (referring to me and the connection I have to the natural world, the universe, my femininity, the trees, LOVE, intuition, humans, etc…) WE don’t do that anymore. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Simple. Scary. Done.

Why is it scary? Let me be the first to say it is petrifying because it requires me to end an identity that I have always clung to. It requires me to release the desperate desire to be something I am not. It means I need to accept and love myself as I am ( F e a r l e s s l y) and honestly. So, I am not skinny. Who fucking cares. I am awesome.

Loving ourselves is not something we learn to do as children. Loving yourself takes slow consistent, compassionate practice and it is effort. It requires me to put myself above my ego, above my unloving desire to fit like a perfect puzzle piece into the nonsense of Patriarchal society; it requires me to release all the ways that I have trained my brain to punish my body since I was just a little girl. This is not an overnight cure. This isn’t a pimple cream promising to zap your zits in 24 hours. This is an ongoing practice of love and acceptance. Loving my whole self is something that needs to happen everyday. I need to be loyal to myself. The cure is to keep going. Even when it feels like the world is falling apart, you keep going. Compassionately. Lovingly.

Society is always changing. Human consciousness is always changing. We are always changing. I have a choice to make now. What kind of life do I want to live and how do I want to leave the world better than how I came into it? What do I want to teach my (future) children? What do I hope the next generation of humans will not have to struggle with everyday, henceforth allowing them to live bigger, better, more fabulously magnificent lives?

When I look deeply and honestly into what I know in my heart to be true, I KNOW that NOBODY (including myself) deserves to suffer. I am. We are. Love. My heart and my wisdom tell me I deserve to treat my inherent perfection with acceptance and full on celebration. My brain will always be tempted to collapse into old patterns and belief systems. My brain will always be scratching that itch of feeling unworthy, not beautiful enough, not thin enough. My brain will be tempted by the social media posts of tips of losing weight, before and after photos, or fucking Shakeology, but I know, because I have traveled into the deepest, darkest places in my soul, that I deserve to exist in love.

I know that depriving myselfISNOTSELFLOVE.

I know that going to bed hungryISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that having anxiety about social situations and being with the people I love because there may or may not be food that fits in the list of foods that will “make me fat”ISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that thinking any negative thoughts about my bodyISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that comparing my body to another body robs me of my peace and joy andISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that trying to fit into my Eating Disorder clothing (which I need to donate to goodwill and have not been courageous enough to yet do so)ISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that not taking compliments genuinely or questioning the honesty of a complimentISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that wishing I was a different sizeISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that looking at photos of myself and feeling shame for my weight, size, mushy parts, or any other dislike in generalISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that not honoring my heart and souls desire and instead, letting ego run the showISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that settling in lifeISalsoNOTSELFLOVE

I know that not loving every single freckle, stretch mark, and perfection of imperfection on my bodyISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that wanting to be different than I amISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that not feeling deserving of love from another personISNOTSELFLOVE

I know that not enjoying my lifeISNOTSELFLOVE

And ain’t nobody got time for that.

It is my commitment to myself and all other human creatures, to continue this journey of BEING self-love. To BEING in a state of integrity. To continue to search for all the ways to heal myself. Because I know in the deepest part of me (we) that in order to be in unified love with the world around me (us), I must, with all my honesty and all my vulnerable truth, love myself first. In doing so, I can also love you and together, we can create change in the world.

Self-Love Iswaking up and taking a deep breath, feeling grateful to be on earth another daymaking my morning coffeesnuggling with my catcompassioneating with consciousness and lovenourishingreading empowering bookscalling my momtelling the people I love that I love themtaking time for mespeaking my truthembracing being alonesitting in the sunwelcoming in change with open armsbeing naked and loving itbeing seen naked...and loving itknowing that every part of me is exactly as it should bedrinking watersaying no to things that don't serve me anymorehonoring my needsmoving my bodysweatingrelaxing and doing absolutely nothingbuying clothes that I love no matter what the pricedoing yogabeing around the people that fill me with happinessgetting out of my headdancingsingingbeing my weird self unaplogetically

The list goes on and on. I challenge you to write your list. What is self-love for you?