Friday, December 21, 2012

This Just In: It's The Holidays And I'll Recess If I Want To!

So how about that Apocalypse? Sure, it wasn't total devastation like some were predicting, but nevertheless it was a real inconvenience. At the very least, I'm going to have to go out and buy new underpants.

Speaking of underpants, that's something you sometimes find under the Christmas tree (either as a gift, or else crumpled up in a heap if you over-nogged it on Christmas Eve), and with the holidays upon us please note that after today's post I will be on a peanut-butter-and-chocolately-delicious Holiday Reese's until Wednesday, January 2nd, 2013, at which point I will return with regular updates. Until that time, you can bask in the virtual warmth of this holiday yule log:

Or, if you're a Wisconsin drunk, you can gather around the burning Obama instead:

Whatever your party affiliation, that's just disturbing.

In any case, I'll also point out that I had hoped to bore you with a longer end-of-the-year blogular posting, but believe it or not I am a parent (parenting is like riding a bike in that they'll let pretty much any idiot do it), and as it happens I have to strap on my daddy helment this morning and take care of some important parental business. Nevertheless, I will take the time to direct your attention to this article and video about Jerry Seinfeld:

Not only is it interesting, but it also turns out he rides a Pinarello road bike around the city:

A sleek Pinarello racing bicycle, which Seinfeld rides around town, stood against a wall. “It’s very addictive, that feeling of gliding through the city,” he said.

I had no idea he was a closet Fred, but I guess it goes with the Porsche fixation.

Also, here's video of Jerry Seinfeld "getting rad" on that very Pinarello:

Just kidding. That wasn't really Jerry Seinfeld. Also, I bet you never, ever saw that video before, nor are you completely tired of it. I know I'm not.

Lastly, before we all vanish into our own personal psychedelic tinsel-tastic holiday nightmares, I'll once again remind you that if you're looking for last minute gifts for people you don't like that much you should a) Buy My Books; and b) Patronize Our Sponsors, as seen in the right-hand margin. For example, not only are Knog lights useful for your bike, but they're also great as beacons so that make-believe planes don't accidentally fly into your make-believe George Washington Bridge:

Yes, that's the George Washington Bridge, because the East River crossings are sooo last decade. Plus, Knog lights are waterproof so they make great tub toys. By the way, if you think it's my kid who's playing with Knog lights then you're mistaken. The block architecture and the tub play is all me, and he knows if he gets anywhere near my toys I'll take away his box cutter.

And with that, I turn you over to the holidays and all the joy, depression, and general ennui that comes with them. Hopefully you only experience the joy part. Once again, please excuse my hasty departure, and I look forward to returning on Wednesday, January 3rd, 2013 (holy crap, it's the future!) with regular updates. (Or even earlier, which is highly unlikely, but not impossible.)

Most of all, thank you very much for reading this crap every day, it makes me very happy to type it.

I thought the Mayans had it right. I was convinced that I was about to meet the great Lobster at the break of dawn, and thus prepared by sitting in my office naked , slathered in clarified butter, wearing a plastic bib, holding claw breaker and surrounded with thousands of fresh lemon wedges. But no, …and it’s hard to type with butter all over this kybrd..fuck. The lob has abandoned me, might as well buy a recumbent with all the other heathens.

And now, I only have three days to buy shit for Festivus. I'm from now on going to be this guy.

How charming to see the burning effigy. Still, the flames were not bright enough to light the scene. Luckily the sound track made up for the lack of visual content. Pissed yokels setting fire to plastic moments before they resorted to their Second Amendment right and blazed away at the burning Obama to make up for their lack of incendiary ability. Cunts. God bless A-merica.

So glad to read of the popularization of the Wiggy word. Even the stalwart pink defender of bourgeois nicety has succumbed. But now I feel a little bereft; where does profanity go from here? I fear it may be to appropriate the mundane and recast as obscene. One can only hope.

Its weird. I've eaten lunch with you for the past two years, but ive only met you once, two years ago at the philly bike show you presented at. I was the dick who asked what you did for a living. I didnt mean it like a dick, but everyone laughed and I felt badly. I just assumed you did the blogging as a side gig. Again, not being a dick. Anyway, I just wanted you to know anytime you're in DC, lunch is on me. Thanks for the laughs.

I too intend to die standing up.If your ride breaks down in the middle of the trail, don't worry. There are over 3.5 million females in this planet and I'm sure you will soon find rides compatible with your fitness level.Be stiff! Oh baby, be stiff!

The days are getting longer! More riding = less reading spam posted on blog. Unless you're on kangaroo time. Then it's all downhill for the next 6 months. And not the good kind of downhill either. Then you'll be all having to wear short sleeves instead of going sleeveless and stuff. Where was I? Oh, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! And there's Festivus for the rest of us.

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...whew !!!...since we narrowly squeaked by another (close one - i'm sure) apocalyptic scenario, i've become aware that the logistics of everyone dropping by here for a champagne & lobster w/ drawn butter feast might be a tad impossible...

...SO...

...with that in mind, i've sent all you warm hearted regulars & you know who you are, a little holiday gift package...

...i was out of plastic bags &/or bubble wrap but in the spirit of sharing this holiday season, you'll all be receiving one big, fresh, beautiful lobster, a scoop of butter & a bottle of champagne wrapped in plain brown paper...

Okay,I vote for Pope Babbleus I for Pontificunt. The College of Commentariat Cardinals will convene at Oakland's Cathedral of the Christ Light, which from MANY angles looks like a vagina. Make no mistake. My fiance named it, "Our Lady of the Sacred Labia."even the door handles look like, uh, lips! Best when viewed from the west side of Lake Merritt.It'd perfect for your reign. Look for the smoke coming out as a sign that a decision has been reached.

...this from a man raised in the english 'public' school system wherein caning by the headmasters & sodomy by upperclassmen inflicted upon lowerclassmen has been considered the norm & part of ones curriculum vitae for the last 400 something years ???...

..."dear mr bikesgonewild...it has come to our attention that you have been mailing packages containing lobsters, butter & champagne wrapped in nothing but brown paper to various national & international locations...

...CEASE & DESIST IMMEDIATELY...

...you have made a stinking, soggy, oily mess of our venues & vehicles on a worldwide basis......we will be pursuing legal action..."...

The world may politically, as well as geographically, be divided into four parts, each having a distinct set of interests. Unhappily for the other three, Europe, by her arms and by her negotiations, by force and by fraud, has, in different degrees, extended her dominion over them all. Africa, Asia, and America, have successively felt her domination. The superiority she has long maintained has tempted her to plume herself as the Mistress of the World, and to consider the rest of mankind as created for her benefit. Men admired as profound philosophers have, in direct terms, attributed to her inhabitants a physical superiority, and have gravely asserted that all animals, and with them the human species, degenerate in America -- that even dogs cease to bark after having breathed awhile in our atmosphere. Facts have too long supported these arrogant pretensions of the Europeans. It belongs to us to vindicate the honor of the human race, and to teach that assuming brother, moderation. Union will enable us to do it. Disunion will will add another victim to his triumphs. Let Americans disdain to be the instruments of European greatness! Let the thirteen States, bound together in a strict and indissoluble Union, concur in erecting one great American system, superior to the control of all transatlantic force or influence, and able to dictate the terms of the connection between the old and the new world!

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So I got my daughter a bunch of SAT prep shit for xmas. "Merry Xmas, here's a fat-ass book to study, on top of your other homework!" Fun is nice, but this shows I care. Probably have to go through it with her a little at a time so she doesn't get overwhelmed and cry every time she looks at it.

It's like going into intellectual battle with Barbara Cartland's love child and her defective Don Quixote.

The sum of witty retaliation was, 'You are!' But a new depth of ineptitude has been accomplished; a crude pornographic image.

Clearly the juxtaposition of archaic formality and profanity eluded your comprehension. But don't let this discourage you from posting. Plenty of people are content with mundane regurgitation of platitudes.

We always get there first. Early pm here so Santa is off schlepping his sack elsewhere.

I got an Effetto torque wrench. :D how did she work that out?

Smiles all round this morning; bought jewelry for the Mistress of the House and two fruits of our loins. Peridot earrings for MoftH, rose gold and garnet ring for one and gold and diamond dragonfly earrings for two. Brownie points galore! :D I like Christmas!

The only thing douchier than writing a bike blog is commenting on a bike bloggers blog. However I couldn't resist sending you this ad on CL. This guy really be able to get aero with those tri bars. and that seat! nice...http://sarasota.craigslist.org/bik/3420106429.html

...may that we might, at this time of the season, all march to the sound of the same little drummer boy but if you were to tell me you don't enjoy the holidays, i'd have to ask - "...ju-lying to me 'bout that ???" ...

So I got a new 26" wheel set that I did not realize was drilled for presto valves and fought every urge in my body today not to drill them out for Schader's like I would in the days of old just so I could mount them up. I like this new me. Guess I will visit the LBS tomorrow.

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Did Santa bring everyone the bike parts they wanted? I got a new cyclocomputer, an antique bike pic from the 1890s and someone gave me a used specialized steel road bike with full 105 components to strip. A very good Christmas!

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!