When I met a guy on Match.com in 2004, we told everyone that we met at a grocery story in the produce section. That relationship lasted for 5 years. These days, 2 people could be on a first date and would have no qualms about admitting to finding each other online. I am happy that online dating has become a part of normal society (it’s not just for old, ugly people), but I also think it could be a complete waste of time and money if you’re not using the service that suits you best. This run-down should come in handy:

eHarmony: If you’re ready for marriage, are an engineer (or related field) and have a lot of time on your hands. By now, you should all be familiar with how eHarmony matches you on 8930928357945 dimensions of compatibility. So you know that means answering 8930928357945 questions about who you are. This is a perfect site for someone who is very rational and believes that if you chug in A and B, you’ll get C (a serious relationship). It’s very formulaic and has no way of taking into account chemistry. Fuck chemistry!

Match.com: If you aspire to be a manwhore and want to fill your weeks packed full of dates; however, you don’t want to be too obvious about it. Match skews younger and the inventory is bigger, especially now that they acquired OkCupid. It’s easy to do drive-by emails and see who you hit. It’s a fun numbers game and a great substitute for Steak and Porn Fridays.

Chemistry.com: If you’re embarrassed to use eHarmony. Everyone knows that if you want something serious, you go on eHarmony. But some guys don’t want to be so obvious about it so they go on Match’s sister site, Chemistry.com, which is basically eHarmony. But not. You’ll answer a bazillion questions about yourself and get matched up with 4 gnarly girls in your area. At which point, you say, “I’d rather fuck some sluts on Match.” Genius, Match.com. Genius.

OkCupid and Plentyoffish: If you want an STD. Listen, these sites are free so obviously it’s quantity over quality. You’ll definitely get to bang lots of chicks, and sometimes you don’t even need to be drunk! But it’s guaranteed you’ll encounter at least one crazy chick who professionally photoshops her profile picture, frames it and gives it to you on your first date, and then pulls out 2 strands of your hair to add to her “Man Hair” collection. TRUE OkCupid STORY, BTW.

DateMySchool: If you’re an elitist douche and proud of it. This site was started by a Columbia MBA student who believed that people who invest in their education and careers deserve to be with others of the same caliber. Right now the site is only open to students of Columbia, NYU and FIT (for the hot chicks seeking MRS degrees). You can also limit your profile to be shown to certain types of people such as only NYU Law students. I guess it makes sense. I mean, if you’ve literally fucked everyone in your grad program, especially the married ones, why not test out the grad school relationship curse at other schools! Yay! And oh, an equally-as-douchey one to check out is: DateHarvardSq.com

JDate: If you want to fit in in NYC. I know, this is a dating site for Jews but it’s not exclusive. If you want to find desperate Jewish girls at the haggard age of 24, this is the site for you! You’ll be guaranteed 1) a date every night, 2) a significant increase in your Facebook friends, and 3) a loving jdate family where you’ll run into each other EVERYWHERE. So much fun. And better yet, IM’ing on the site is free for you cheapos.