Why women should make the first move in online dating

By Lauren Booker, Special to CNN

Updated 10:36 AM ET, Mon March 14, 2016

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Desktop-based online dating is so 2008. Although sites such as Match.com remain popular with older singles, younger users are flocking to mobile-first dating apps. Here's a look at some digital tools for today's lonely hearts.

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Siren – Siren is an app created for women by women that puts the ladies in the driver's seat. Women control who sees their image, who can communicate with them and what type of date to pursue.

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Tinder – Fast-growing app Tinder lets users build profiles by importing photos and interests from their Facebook accounts. The app will then produce nearby matches -- possibly even down your street or across the bar -- fitting your search criteria. Users swipe right if they're interested and left if they want to reject the match. If both parties swipe right, "it's a match!" and they can communicate from there.

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OkCupid – OkCupid is a free dating site and mobile app that crunches users' answers to a series of questions (Are you messy? Have you ever cheated in a relationship?) to create compatibility scores. It claims that its system is accurate at predicting matches -- as long as users are honest.

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Hinge – Hinge is a matchmaking app built on finding love with a little help from friends. Users sign in through Facebook and are sent matches each day from their extended social circles.

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Match.com – Match, one of the first and largest dating sites, also has a mobile app. The formula is pretty standard: Users fill out a profile, and the app will send them daily matches that meet their standards. Users also have the ability to browse profiles outside their daily matches.

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Zoosk – Zoosk is another app that boasts its own innovative matchmaking technology. As a user clicks on profiles, the technology documents the types he or she is attracted to in order to better match needs and preferences.

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Wyldfire – The Wyldfire app allows female users to invite only the men who they would want their friends to date into the dating pool. The matchmaker site likes to take things offline too by offering local meetup events for its users.

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Story highlights

An OkCupid study found that women are less likely to message a man first

The study reveals women who do message first go on a date with a more attractive guy

A recent OkCupid study found men are more likely to send the first message on the dating website than women. This trend was shared among women of all ages, who have sent a median of three to four first messages. Men, on the other hand, send a median of nine to 15 first messages, depending on their age.

OkCupid Chief Product Officer Jimena Almendares said the company was surprised by the research project's results.

"There was clearly a unique opportunity specifically for women on OkCupid when it came to messaging first," she said.

Stacy Kaiser, "Live Happy" editor-at-large and licensed psychotherapist, said many women still hold onto old-fashioned dating traditions like relying on men to make the first move.

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"Fear and rejection are feelings that go along with that," Kaiser said.

These findings contrast with the idea that young women are part of a hookup culture that has reached its apex with the advent of dating apps like Tinder. Granted, swiping right as a sign of approval to (hopefully) get a match doesn't take much heavy lifting. Sending the first message, on the other hand, seems to be perceived as men's work.

A quick perusal of Twitter shows that while some women advocate for making the first move, others shy away from it.

"Why do women have to make the first move? To a certain extent that's not the woman's job -- in terms of chivalry (which this generation lacks)" wrote one woman.

"Ladies if you want a certain man go get them... Who cares if women aren't suppose to make the first move, go get what you want," another countered.

Why do women have to make the first move? To a certain extent thats not the womans job --in terms of chivalry (which this generation lacks)

When online dating, a woman can increase her chance of going on a date with a man who is attractive to her by sending the first message, according to the dating site's findings.

Almendares said OkCupid analyzed the attractiveness of all the men who women had a conversation with after they sent the first message, and the median attractiveness of those men was 6.6 percentile points above the attractiveness of the women sending the message. The site measured attractiveness as having nice looks, engaging photos and an intriguing profile.

"So even if women select the best from their inbox, it's likely they are settling and going on a date [with] someone less attractive," Almendares said. "More importantly, because very few women message first, those that do stand out."

The study found that the odds would be in favor of the brave woman who messages a guy first, because 30% of those messages turn into a conversation. Women are 2.5 times more likely to get a response than men if they initiate contact.

Back to Twitter, where some guys complain about how much they wish women would take charge and make the first move.

"Sometimes women should make the first move. It adds a little excitement," wrote one user.

Men have to make the first move because women don't know what they want

"Live Happy's" Kaiser advises women to be casual when initiating a relationship and to not make "a big buildup in your head or real life."

"For example, you don't need to call it 'a date' if he just wants to hang out or grab something quick. Also, it is always good to rope in a friend to help, or getting a group of people to go out, and then you can make sure you sit next to him, find time to flirt, et cetera," Kaiser says.