13 Stand-Up Jokes You'll Probably Relate To More Than You Should

When going to stand-up shows or watching comedy specials, comedians love making jokes about their bitter, depraved lives, from porn addiction to alcoholism. And sure, we might chuckle into our vodka sodas at their misfortune, but gradually we all come to the same realization: we're relating to these jokes way more than we'd like to admit. Not like there's anything wrong with spending an entire weekend second-guessing our life choices while crying over pizza, but we normally like to keep that to ourselves...and our therapist. Below, 13 jokes so relatable they'll make you say, "True."

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John Mulaney

"In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin."

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Iliza Shlesinger

"The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to f--k up the life you worked so hard for all week."

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Mike Birbiglia

"I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated."

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Hannibal Buress

"There have been times I've been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, 'Time to go home.'"

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Jim Gaffigan

"You ever got one thing to do all day, but you just can't get yourself to do it? 'I gotta go to the post office...but I'd probably have to put on pants. They're only open until five. I'm going to have to do that next week."

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David Columbo

"Ever close your internet porn and realize you had a non-porn browser underneath? it’s always a fun time capsule of what you were looking at before you got horny. Now you have to figure out what it was about Gene Hackman’s IMDb page that made you want to masturbate."

Daniel Tosh

Aziz Ansari

"I spend so much time on the internet. I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading."

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Mike Mulloy

"I found out that Crossfit is a lot like reverse Fight Club. Because the first rule of Crossfit is to never shut the f--k up about Crossfit."

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Daniel Simonsen

"It's really difficult to be a human. Like, have you ever done something awkward and then thought about it for eight years?"

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Natasha Leggero

"Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine."

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Demetri Martin

"Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself."

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Samantha Ruddy

"People get really mad if you try to give them advice on what to do with their kids if you don’t have kids. So I’ve started getting really mad when people who have kids tell me how to spend my free time. I’m like, ‘Listen, you don’t understand free time unless you have free time. You stick to making lunches and I’ll stick to playing Xbox in my pajamas.’"