Soaking Up the Fumes

My girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me, and I can't stop hating her. What do I do?

-Shaddix

Dear Shaddix,

I think we've all hated your girlfriend at some point or another. The point is, we've got to move on. You're obviously angry and you need to try to relax. Why not try an ancient foreign remedy? You could soak in the healing Cekirge hot springs of Mount Olympus, ingest the calming Chinese herbal blend Gan Mai Da Zao Teng, or take a shot at the ever-popular Ancient Egyptian coat hanger lobotomy. Sure, the ancients weren't very good at curbing rampant disease, or bathing, or Yahtzee…but you don't have to be a jerk about it.

Sincerely, Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Is there a way to make the annoying political activists on campus disappear, or at least realize how pathetically nuts they are? Some of these people used to be my friends, but it's hard to remain friends with someone when every sentence coming out of their mouth has the word “Iraq” in it. Would duct tape work, or should I just get a staple gun?

-Nate

Dear Nate,

The staple gun sounds good. But it's not very prudent (or environmentally friendly) to waste staples on someone who can easily be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff. I've noticed that the louder people yell about their politics, the less they actually know about foreign affairs, geopolitical instability, economic insecurity, and how to fill in those tricky little circles on their ballots.

Sincerely, Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Okay, so this girl Alana cheated on her boyfriend, Jacob, and left him for me. We dated for a while, then she left me for him. She continued to cheat after they started exclusively dating. With me. Now I'm dating another girl, Debbie. But recently, Alana and I have committed to each other—that we'll date each other, along with our other lovers—but in secret. I want the relationship to be completely open—letting Jacob and Debbie know what is up—however Alana doubts the possibility of this, given her understanding of Jacob. From what I've heard from Alana, Jacob thinks that polyamory can work as long as all of the party members love each other equally. But Jacob thinks that I'm an asshole, and he doesn't even know who Debbie is. Debbie's sister is big on polyamory, but she doesn't think that it'll work for Debbie. How would you go about putting everything out in the open? Or is it best to keep things undercover?

-Jack

Dear Jack,

I don't know you're girlfriend(s), but if you told me you cheated on me, planned to continue cheating on me, and would be a-okay with me sleeping with your lover's boyfriend… I think I'd have a difficult time deciding what to do first. It would probably be a tie between castration or heading for the VD clinic.