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9.21.2009

Hey A$$holes

Dear Steve Stone and Ken Harrelson,

I am in no mood for your shenanigans.

I am up to my ears in business school midterms. I've started talking to my textbooks and dreaming about Barriers to Mobility and the Statement of Cash Flows. In addition, my neighbors have for some reason decided to play Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" super loud at 10pm on a Monday. No idea why.

It isn't pretty.

In my weak mental state, I am even less inclined to tolerate your complete and utter idiocy. I would like to hereby list my grievances against you:

1) You called the Metrodome "The Twinkie Dome." Ooooh. I'm so hurt. I think I'll go cry in a corner now. Jackass.

2) You picked the South to win the Civil War. I wish I'd made that up, but sadly it is a direct quote. This either means that a) you support slavery, b) you're really damn old, or c) you're so completely stupid that you don't realize the Civil War ended a LONG-ASS TIME AGO. Or all of the above.

3) You can't pronounce Kubel or Cuddyer. Really? I mean....REALLY??? We're only in the same division as you. We've only played you about eight thousand times this season alone. Oh but wait - maybe if we pretend our opponents are irrelevant by mispronouncing their names, they'll realize how inconsequential they are and stop playing well. And then go cry in a corner (see (1)).

4) You called us "The Bad Guys." Are you kidding me? The ONLY team deserving of that title are they who shall not be named (Yankpires). And...really? The Twins??? I mean just look at this guy:And this guy:And, well.... :

We make people's hearts melt from too much cuteness. We are not the bad guys.

5) "Nobody has beaten us," you say. "We have beaten ourselves."As much as I admire your internal locus of control, as you restrain yourself from blaming others for your failure, I have a feeling that your real intent is to insult every other team in the division.

So, Jim Harrelson and Steve Stone, what profound lessons of life can you glean from this small spewing of my sad, jumbled mind?

You went all grade-school playground on our asses. You made fun of our metrodome. You stumbled over "Um..Kubbble and Cuddwagzistein?" like you don't even know who these guys are, in an attempt to destroy our self esteem. You called us meanies. AND WE'RE STILL WINNING.

Peanuts From Heaven

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