Texas - a public school teacher was arrested today at
Bergstrom International Airport as he attempted to
board a flight while in possession of a ruler,
a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Secretary of Defense
Donald Rumsfeld said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did
not identify the man, who has been charged with
carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us", Rumsfeld said.

"They desire solutions by means and extremes, and
sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value.

They use secret code names like x and y and refer
to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of
medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,
there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush
said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons
of math instruction, he would have given us more
fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall
a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
-----------------------------------------------------------

WASHINGTON, DC—In another salvo in the ongoing civil-rights battle, the Gay And Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation announced the formation of a broad new campaign supporting full library-card privileges for homosexuals.

"The time for gay people to be granted equal access to our public lending-libraries is long past due," GLAAD Fairness In Book Borrowing Campaign co-chair Elaine Thomas, a self-described committed lesbian and avid reader, said at a press conference outside the Library of Congress Monday. "We are demanding the same opportunity to select, borrow, and return library books—without regard to subject matter or Dewey decimal number—that any other American has.
We are talking about a fundamental right."

NEW YORK, NY- Irate corporate sponsors are pulling their ads off Ann Coulter's website in the wake of controversial comments about Presidential candidate John Edwards during a speech to conservatives last week. While the move is not likely to have a significant financial impact, some say that the largely symbolic repudiation could signal the beginning of the end for this controversial pundit.

However, this could all be a massive overreaction. It appears that Coulter is being punished not for her alleged offense but because the retreating advertisers simply didn't fathom the comic irony of a well-known transvestite calling someone else a "faggot."

For Coulter's ardent supporters, the issue is bigger than just a misunderstanding. It's a matter of free speech versus politically correct censorship.

"This is AMERICA!" posted CryingEagle911 on the FreeRepublic.com message boards. "Ann should be free to say what he/she likes and his/her sponsors should be bound by the Constitution of AMERICA to remain on board, otherwise it would be like someone being fired for being black or gay or foreign- not that firing people for being black, gay, or foreign is bad, of course. Hopefully the previous sentence is so hyperbolic and insipid that people will quote it and make me feel validated."

If the intent of the advertising boycott was to harm Coulter's career, it seems to have backfired. Thanks to the much publicized comments and subsequent fallout, Coulter seems to be attracting more attention than ever. From every dark, musty corner of the Internet comes the rallying cry of support: "You go, um ... girl?" On the political debate board at chixwithstix.com, for example, users are applauding the raw courage of this ambiguously gendered Marfan.

"Saying what she said took balls," posted Gl3norgl3nd4. "Not just metaphorical ones, either, but actual fleshy testicales, the kind that stick to your legs on a hot summer's day. I know this because sometimes on Bill Mahr's show if she sits just the right way you can see them."

Regardless of the hollow outrage from the mainstream media, more and more conservatives are choosing to put their trust in Coulter's all-seeing Adam's apple of Freedom. Courageously, this opinionated golem marches on, unhindered but not unharmed.

Like most drag queens, Coulter is remarkably sensitive when it comes to image and appearance. Before every speaking engagement Coulter undergoes an extensive mirror exercise to psych up for the event. "So pretty, Ann. So pretty. They'll never notice the bulge. Not at all. Pretty Ann." Colleagues report that Coulter is still complaining about TIME magazine's cover photo from a few years ago because the camera angle did nothing to diminish the pundit's clown-like feet and veiny man hands.

So, anyone with half a heart knows that mocking a woman over her appearance is unkind to the point of cruelty. It would be morally reprehensible not to mention sexist. Thankfully, Coulter does not qualify.

Certainly, her new book about the evils of the homosexual agenda is selling better than ever, but at a terrible price for her own state of mind. Whether the hurtful comments of her critics will outweigh the popularity engendered by her own hurtful comments is still an open question. In a special appearance on Fox News Tuesday evening, Bill O'Reilly asked if the controversial author and speaker still planned to go after the left's sacred cows.

Los Angeles, CA (Rotters) - Upping the ante over a recent Superior court rebuke of the President's claimed right to hold American citizens indefinitely, the Bush Administration Justice Department ordered the transfer of recently converted celebrity Paris Hilton to federal maximum security until a complete investigation of possible terrorist ties could be investigated.

A spokes person for Heyman Itsmamall (formerly known as Paris Hilton until her recent conversion to Islam) insisted that the charges were totally false and groundless and merely an effort by the Bush Administration to divert attention from its disintegrating Justice Department. "Heyman was being made an example of initially by Los Angeles County, but this has gone too far now."

Hilton/Itsmimall cited Allah as her source of strength through her spokesperson, and insisted that this was not a "jailhouse conversion" and that she will be able to endure and persevere through her faith.

The Bush administration insisted that it had proof of Hilton's participation in a USO type performance and visit to an Al-Qaeda training camp prior to 9/11, and stated that it would be able to prove that she was functioning as a sleeper agent. [end]

Cheney Declares Himself National MonumentLatest Attempt to Dodge Subpoena

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) In a bold new strategy to avoid a congressional subpoena, Vice President Dick Cheney today declared himself a national monument.

Mr. Cheney took the unorthodox step only after failing in his attempt to invoke a little-known legal principle called the separation of Cheney and state.

Aides to Mr. Cheney confirmed that being a national monument gives the vice president not only immunity from subpoenas, but also a draft deferment in perpetuity.

President George W. Bush presided over a solemn White House ceremony this morning in which a plaque documenting Mr. Cheney’s status as a national monument was affixed to the vice president’s midsection.

Joining the ranks of the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, Mr. Cheney is believed to be the only landmark in the nation’s capital not made at least partially out of marble.

But even as his attempt to evade a subpoena appeared to have succeeded, the vice president’s new status as a national monument created unexpected problems, as Independence Day tourists lined up around the block to get a glimpse of Washington’s latest historic attraction.

Perhaps in an effort to control the crowds, Mr. Cheney announced today that the admission price for seeing him would be set at $75,000.

White House spokesman Tony Snow defended the $75,000 price tag, saying that it was an appropriate price to see a national monument of Dick Cheney’s stature.

Wrestling Fan Goes Berserk for Obama Surprising everyone, Barack Obama announced today that he and political pundit Ann Coulter were forming a professional wrestling tag team.

The strains of Jimi Hendrix's version of "Wild Thing" blared through Madison Square Garden's sound system as strobe lights and flashbulbs from paparazzi illuminated the arena. Barack Obama and Ann Coulter emerged holding their hands aloft like winners. An ecstatic crowd of wildly cheering wrestling fans urged them on. Together, they strode to the squared circle. Obama politely lifted the middle rope to allow Ms. Coulter to enter the ring.

A microphone was lowered into Obama's hand. He gazed lovingly at the crowd and shouted,"OUR TIME HAS COME!"

The crowd responded with deafening applause.

"We challenge all comers. I will batter them with bombast. Ann will sear them with sarcasm. Together, we will kick their butts up one side of the political landscape and down the other!"

Ms. Coulter took the microphone. "Want to know how to talk to a liberal? I'll show you how to talk to a liberal. I'm going to rip John McCain's lungs out. I'm going to send Popeye crying back to Olive Oyl. When I get done with him, he'll think the Hanoi Hilton was a rest home."

The new tag team exited to tumultuous cheers.

Reaction by pundits across the country came swiftly.

"This certainly is a surprise," said Keith Olbermann, of MSNBC. "I never thought I would see the day Ann Coulter would rip a Republican like that. It is really fun to watch. She looked surprisingly hot in that leotard. Obama could stand to put on a little muscle."

Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly was flabbergasted. "I'm flabbergasted," said O'Reilly. "I knew Ann's book sales were flagging a little, but even I wouldn't do a thing like that.
Geraldo would, though. Besides, I don't think she could take John McCain. He's just meaner than hell. They don't call him Insane McCain for nothing."

Democratic political strategist Steve McMahon was more reflective. "This is a brilliant political move by Barack Obama. He will make serious inroads into Hillary Clinton's blue collar political base with this move. He couldn't have done much better winning the Daytona 500. Having Ann Coulter brand John McCain a liberal will help Obama and hurt McCain badly. 89% of American voters have no idea what a liberal is, but they are quite sure they don't want to be one or vote for one. I see clear sailing ahead for Mr. Obama."

POISONED - DO NOT EAT THEM - You will DIE!!. The US Government has admitted that Aliens are responsible for the recall of tomatoes across the country and that it is the first step in an invasion - however they have once again asked people not to panic.

"Basically they are infecting the food chain", said General Ken Riley of the USAF, "They have sprayed salmonella germs on EVERY tomato in the US - they know we love ketchup and tomatoes on our burgers and that we are addicted to Salsa. By attacking tomatoes they were getting the vegetarians as well - but please, do not panic."

It has become virtually impossible to find an unaffected tomato and many fear this is just the first phase in an imminent alien attack on Earth.

"What next?", screamed Rick Fernando as he ran around in circles pulling his hair, "Poison our coke? Interrupt the TV?"
. "I refuse to panic though", he assured me as he loaded his M16 rifle and pointed it skywards.

Over 20 BILLION tomatoes have been removed from the shelves of American supermarkets and tomato lakes have formed at the dumping sites where tomatoes are sent.

"It is quite a sight" said one man, who did not want to be named, so he has gone through life just known as X.

As expected the cost of tomatoes is set to rise - once the infected crop has been pulped - with the price of one tomato likely to be well over $10.

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