I really liked the line: "I should not be the rose, but instead the thorn". because the analogy is really great. I love analogies. I don't know why though. I guess it's because in analogies you can find a relation between things that aren't normally related. Anyways, it's okay. I liked the other one better, but that's just me. The rhythm was off more in this one. I would suggest revising it a little (I have to do that a lot whit mine) because I fell that the message is so strong but your words are distracting me...does that make any sense? I just feel that their are better (less distracting) words that would sound better. Like, you used some phrases that got off point and is was distracting. But that's just my opinion.