Would it, though? It might just speed up the rate at which players ran from the lion.

And based on what I've seen so far, the lion would run out onto the field, tangle slightly with a member of the opposing team, slightly nick one paw on the way to the ball, and collapse to the ground in a sudden fit of histrionics.

Don't listen to the haters (do they really think you're an actual sports writer?); your World Cup article is amongst the funniest. I've already added "something you can teach three-year-olds to do badly" and "sometimes you just fell over spontaneously" to my personal repertoire. But it does remind me of that old baseball joke: A man brings his girlfriend to her first ball game. Unfortunately they hit traffic along the way; they don't arrive until the seventh inning, and they learn the score is 0 to 0. "Oh good," she says, "we haven't missed a thing!"

–
June 17, 2014 9:20 AM

Alexandra Petri :

Ha!

Well I'm glad you liked it!

Oh man, the amount of vitriol I've received for it has been considerable! I've been repeatedly informed that I am what's wrong with America, which is good to know, and also somebody called me a "blonde bimbo" which was exciting. I didn't think any of the pictures of me on the site were that good!

I know Americans love to complain about the slowness of soccer, but at least it moves faster than basketball. I caught the end of the NBA final game the other night. The last 3 mins of game time took about 20 mins of real time. Player inbounds. Whistle blows. Players mill about. Someone takes a free throw. Takes ages to gear up for the second free throw. Loose ball. Player bumps into another player. Whistle blows. More milling about. Coach waves his arms. Clock stops again for some reason. Milling about ensues. Player inbounds. Repeat...

–
June 17, 2014 11:13 AM

Alexandra Petri :

Aw, but the milling about is the best part! Football consists entirely of milling about while minuscule increments of time pass! Americans have come to expect a high ratio of milling about to actual play. This is, we feel, where the excitement lies.

Is reading angry comments the writerly equivalent of eating your kale, or something? Or is it more like something a parade of Dark Ages monks would do- like, the guy in front of you has all the mean things people say about you flayed into his back?
Also, congratulations on being what's wrong with America, I guess? When your grandkids ask you if you knew what went wrong, leading to our inevitable decline, you can just cackle madly, which is a great way to spend your dotage.

–
June 17, 2014 11:19 AM

Alexandra Petri :

I'm not particularly good at cackling, right now, which is terrible because it leads people to suspect that I am up to good.

No, these aren't even your run-of-the-angry-mill comments! These were the people who specifically made a point of seeking me out to tell me this -- via email, or tagging me on Twitter! And these were just the ones I could print in a family-oriented chat! Let's just say if I responded, "Thank you, and the same to you!" it would have been extremely rude.

For example, in "The Voyage of the HMS Beagle Round the World" by Darwin, Mark Twain wondered, "Can any plausible excuse be furnished for the crime of creating the human race?"
(http://marktwainhouse.blogspot.com/2010/01/mark-twains-marginalia.html)

–
June 17, 2014 11:21 AM

Alexandra Petri :

I don't know, I think printing (not big block letters, but the other kind) also works and is in some cases more legible.

I had the unfortunate habit of keeping some of my marginalia in a cipher comprehensible only to my twelve year-old self. I think it was the first letters of the words in my actual comment, but I can't piece it together now. Based on where it appeared in A Separate Peace, my best guess was that I had to come up with some shorthand for saying Gene Forrester was an unbearable human, but if that's true I don't know why there were so many exclamation points.

Truth be told, I've always thought the milling-about moments are helpful to casual fans watching with friends, since they give the commentators time to explain the background of what's going on and why the next play is important. Although sometimes it can be a bit much, like when the color guy in a baseball game starts telling you how the new relief pitcher is 0 for 4 for strikeouts this season against left-handed hitters with type B blood on a Tuesday afternoon when it's sunny in Barcelona, and now that we're in this situation again we'll see if he breaks that streak.

–
June 17, 2014 11:25 AM

Alexandra Petri :

Ah yes, those tricky streaks! It's like how the tallest presidential candidate born on a Thursday always wins. When you have a small enough sample size it is incredible how detailed a pattern you can discern.

I miss the vuvuzelas. It just seems too quiet during the matches now. Another point in hockey's favor (I agree it is much like soccer, constant movement with little scoreing ) is that they have 2 intermissions, gives us all a chance to regroup. Personally I think the best way to watch the world cup is via replays and highlights shows, see the action and onward we go to the next thing.

–
June 17, 2014 11:27 AM

Alexandra Petri :

I was hoping that vuvuzelas were going to be a standard feature of World Cup matches from now on.

It's satire. I get that. But really, watching a sport--any sport--only as an interested bystander is boring. But if you follow a team you get an emotional involvement. It takes work and an investment of time. But if you just look at it as 22 well-paid men kicking a ball and throwing themselves down while writhing in pain, well sure...

–
June 17, 2014 11:43 AM

Alexandra Petri :

You make a good point. Reducing any sport to its most absurd level ("Strange men run around grass waving sticks. Strange men run around clay or grass waving different sticks with string on them. Strange men run around wood area with big inflatable balls that bounce. Strange men run around grass with oblong spheroids in their hands that do not bounce. Everyone makes money, but mostly old men who get seats close to the part of the field or area where you want to be!") and not acknowledging that half the fun is having paid enough attention to know what part of the stick-holding and ball bouncing you are supposed to cheer for. The whole fun is the cheering.

that Shakespeare is Shakespeare? I get why people from countries that have a long established class system (UK, India, etc.) would refuse to believe a middle class kid could be the best writer his language has ever produced, but the the idea is practically the embodiment of our culture. OK, we do it with money, not timeless literature, but refusing to believe it can happen seems very unamerican to me.

–
June 17, 2014 11:46 AM

Alexandra Petri :

I concur! Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them, but in America we're all about number two!

My niece and nephrew lived through this time, got trophies for everything they particiapted in. At some point they realized winning is better than getting a trophy for losing, and all those trophies have been boxed and are likely in a landfill by now. Hope the participatory trophy is a short-lived fad. Is is still common to give prizes to everyone?

–
June 17, 2014 11:46 AM

Alexandra Petri :

Not having been a child for a while, I cannot speak to this from personal experience, but my guess from the behavior of other people's children on Facebook is that they have reined it in a little. If these kids had gotten a trophy of any kind, there would definitely have been numerous posts about it, but so far, nothing. There may be hope!

for me anyway. The new Post article page has broken comments on Firefox. I click on comments and the page just jumps to the bottom. Now no-one can enjoy my wit and/or wisdom, either questionable at best.

–
June 17, 2014 11:43 AM

Alexandra Petri :

Oh no! You're missed!

You could try Internet Explorer, but that would require you to use Internet Explorer, and I'm not sure I can in good conscience ask that sacrifice of someone.

I think you and Weingarten should write each other's columns one week and see if you can do it well enough that no one notices.

–
June 17, 2014 11:42 AM

Alexandra Petri :

I'd be game! If I steep myself sufficiently in somebody's writing I can generally throw together a pretty solid pastiche. Sometimes inadvertently! (Apologies for those months where I sounded like a bad translation of Victor Hugo, everyone!) I'm trying to do an Ayn Rand bit right now (she's got a new book coming out!) and reading Weingarten would be infinitely pleasanter. Weingarten's only challenge will be that he is much cooler than I am and he'll have to keep himself in check.

When my kids were small, each of them got a big trophy for winning ONCE (secretly paid for by Mom and Dad). After that, all trophies must be earned. They love their trophy. Life is too short not to get a trophy.

–
June 17, 2014 12:00 PM

Alexandra Petri :

"Life is too short not to get a trophy" is a great statement. That belongs on a trophy somewhere.

I don't have kids, but I have noticed that there now seem to be kind-of-a-big-deal ceremonies for all kinds of "graduations" (from preschool, from elementary school, from high school). We (Gen X) didn't have any of those. But maybe those are more for the parents?

–
June 17, 2014 12:05 PM

Alexandra Petri :

Also, if there weren't Big Milestone-Looking Events to show up to at the last minute, many parents on TV would have nothing to do at all.

I heard somebody brapping on a vuvuzela around Connecticut Avenue and M Street yesterday after the USA-Ghana match. That's far enough away not to be heard from Brazil, but it might have been audible from the Brazilian embassy on L Street.

–
June 17, 2014 12:09 PM

Alexandra Petri :

*vzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* (that one was supposed to be less wistful, but it's hard to define with onomatovuvuzela)

Me again -- I meant middle school, not high school (of course we had that one!).

–
June 17, 2014 12:14 PM

Alexandra Petri :

No, I assumed you meant the intermediate graduations, like the big ceremony where every kindergartner stands up and walks around to Pomp and Circumstance for no discernible reason. I knew some kids who had to get robes to get out of, I think, sixth grade. Which seems wrong somehow.

I had an eighth grade graduation. I remember because four of the eighth graders played the Pachelbel Canon. I'm on the younger end of Gen X, but...I'm pretty sure we were the kids that at least gave everyone the idea.

–
June 17, 2014 12:15 PM

Alexandra Petri :

Oh no, the Pachelbel Canon! You can get trapped in that canon for months! Speaking of bits that go on too long.

Good to hear trophies for everyone is dying out, lets get rid of presents for everyone next. My friends with little kids say all kids get a gift when they go to a birthday party, meaning if you have a party have to buy X number of gifts so everyone has something to open.

–
June 17, 2014 12:15 PM

Alexandra Petri :

WHAT?*flips over a small table*

Back in my day the whole point of birthday parties was watching someone who wasn't you open presents, but you knew that in a few months, you'd Get Yours.

That was happening to me on just about every article, too. Cache clearing, that sort of thing, didn't help. It spontaneously fixed itself sometime last week. I've had less success with the Silk browser on my Kindle, though - that's stayed pretty spotty.

Nobody questioned the authorship of Shakespeare until some nut in the 19th century who was even more class-conscious than your average Brit decided that only an aristocrat could have written the plays.

–
June 17, 2014 11:36 AM

Alexandra Petri :

I'm sorry, you said class-conscious 19th century nut and all I could think of was "you have just perfectly described Mr. Peanut."

There was actually a whole discussion on PoPville yesterday about how apparently the done thing among the sort of DC yuppies who hang out on that site is for none of the presents to be opened at the party itself, only later after everybody went home, so the kids who can't afford as nice a present as the others don't get shamed or something. The thread featured an angry side argument about whether thank-you notes are necessary if you thanked the gift-giver in person. That site is a hoot.

–
June 17, 2014 12:23 PM

Alexandra Petri :

Ohhhhh lordy.

Thank-you notes are always necessary. I know this because it is what my mother always told me after months had passed and I had still somehow managed not to write any. (Thank you for the stuffed cat, Mr. and Mrs. Henderson! I really appreciate it and have given it an appropriate name!)

I coach 2 recreational soccer teams. From 1st grade to 4th grade, every kid gets either a trophy or medal. In 5th grade, only the team that wins the conference gets one. In our elementary school, the kids have a promotion ceremony after finishing 5th grade.
Ask me, this is all bad. It's the "feel good for breathing" that's good for a kid's self-esteem. I think it does more harm than good as one day the kid stops getting trophies and feels even worse. STOP IT!! No more trophies for participating.

–
June 17, 2014 12:24 PM

Alexandra Petri :

Wow.

Do the kids who actually win in 1st through 4th grade get bigger, more impressive trophies? One way of getting around the participation ribbon epidemic is if it's very clear that the participation ribbons are themselves lousy and wimpy-looking when compared to the actual winners' loot. Maybe the only way out of all these ribbons and trophies is through bigger more imposing ribbons. That way everyone gets a trophy but still feels no measurable increase in self-esteem! Everybody wins AND loses!

It isn't so much about not shaming kids who didn't bring nice ones as it is about not boring the kids to death. Though, I do admit, the kid whose mother works for google brought the nicest gift a year or two ago. I was tasked with getting my nephew his own Star Wars characters this year so my brother could bring his original 70s ones out of the rotation.

–
June 17, 2014 12:34 PM

Alexandra Petri :

Aw, yeah, gotta keep the original 70s set out of harm's way!

Which reminds me, is Harrison Ford okay? I read online that Callista had to fly to him to offer him support in his recovery, which made me worry. A friend's response that "well, if he dies, it'll definitely be a blockbuster! They should just CGI around his bed" was not quite what I had in mind.

I only have 1, although I DID earn it (but it was perhaps still only like a 3rd place finish). I am middle aged, have earned many degrees and have enjoyed career and personal success. Strangely, I am still damn effing proud of that trophy!

–
June 17, 2014 12:32 PM

Alexandra Petri :

Life is too short not to get a trophy, as someone wise remarked.

But seriously. I never got any participatory trophies (I did mostly ballet, and as the person who stood in the back looking generally baffled, I suspect that I would not have gotten one even if ballet studios did hand them out) -- at chess camp, I didn't even get a trophy for improvement, because I hadn't improved -- so when I did finally start to win them for things, excitement didn't begin to describe it. I spent a whole lifetime making puns just so I could get a trophy with a horse's rear on it.

Nope. It those grades, they don't keep records. They only keep score stating in 2nd grade - however the kids all know the score of the game. I try and encourage participation and having fun but the trophies are overkill.