I've had a couple of... "oh crap I'm aware!" thoughts recently.
This one came about during an e-mail to a special friend...oh hang on?....WHAT???...a friend....far out!!

so without much fuss...
it's been decisions that plot my course through life...and I have made some absurd and foolish fundaMENTAL errors there.

but decisions are quite gentle compared to ultimatums....a decision is like a bump to the head where-as an ultimatum is like removing the head alltogether. ouch!

with this illness....bpd ultimatums can be a regular occurence, that often come about painfully and involuntarily...

usually ruining something special or even immensely special or something that has the potential to be extremely special and all three at once!
like...friendships...girlfriends/boyfriends...husbands and wives...jobs...a place to live...family and children...hobbies or a favourite activity...

...leaving behind an empty reality, and all because I gave in to the surge of fury and emotion caused by a situation...caused by something.

I remember all the girlfriends I had feelings for over the years...15 of them....all gone because I screwed up!
all the friends I made at the 50 or more jobs I have had that I won't see again because I chucked it in so often!
all the friends I met in amongst other activities that I will never catch up with because I lost the plot!
all the places I lived at, about 40 or more that had special meaning to me and a home at the time ...part of my routine...that I can never live at again because I packed up and cleared out!

heaps of stuff that had meaning to me that I cannot restore those feelings

I am now like a piece of litter blowing around in the street.

But I am getting all the help I need to change the patterns...to not make those bpd ultimatums...to seek the validation I might need to calm the storms in my head and my heart

and I have met many fantastic people here that are teaching me how to live better...how to trust and how to love and care.

According to Google stats, there are 6,840,507,000 people in the world today. Plenty of friends yet to make!!! Hope this helps 2xmonkey!!

__________________“I am no nihilist. I am not even a cynic. I am, actually, rather romantic. And here’s my idea of romance: You will soon be dead. Life will sometimes seem long and tough and, god, it’s tiring. And you will sometimes be happy and sometimes sad. And then you’ll be
old. And then you’ll be dead.” ― Tim Minchin

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