Tuesday, 12 March 2013

My Manifesto to Make Britain Great Again

That paragon of integrity Liam Fox has called for an end to socialism in the UK. He is right to call a halt to David Cameron's dismal communist reign, culminating as it has in the search for Liberace's lost g-string and yet more palaces for the unemployed. However I feel his proposals don't go far enough. It goes without saying of course, that we should leave the EU and outlaw homosexuality, but here are some other essential measures to make Britain great again.

Stop all taxes immediately.

Cease all benefits, with the exception of vital payments to wealthy landowners.

Remove the right to vote for anyone with personal wealth of less than £1 million.

Stimulate growth with a vast infrastructure programme to physically move the entire United Kingdom to the other side of the Atlantic (although we could probably save a few pennies by leaving scotchland behind).

Immediately expel anyone with a foreign sounding name and anyone who looks or sounds vaguely foreign just to be sure (particularly those with a second name beginning in Mc or Mac).

Create a military alliance with the US, Russia, Germany and China to invade France and remove their despotic communist leader, who is a grave menace to western civilisation.

Privatise all land, sea, air and time to ensure efficient use of these resources. Ownership should of course naturally default to those who can show their suitability for managing such resources, i.e. the extremely rich, who by virtue of accumulating great wealth have already proved their proficiency.

Make all unemployed people work all waking hours for the privilege of using the resources of land, sea, air and time. This is purely in the interests of fairness: after all, why should the unemployed get to use these resources for nothing when hard-working families will have to pay for them?

Prohibit anyone owning less than £1 million of property from walking upright, thus ensuring a posture fitting their place in the overall social hierarchy and suitable for their masters to take pleasure when the fancy takes.

Invade Scotchland and take all the oil then kick them out of the UK while keeping control of all the estates for wealthy landowners to visit once every few years. The scotch can keep the sheep and whiskey to soften the trauma of being scotch.

Hang Gordon Brown by the neck from the white cliffs of Dover as an example to anyone entering the country of the evils of socialism.

Ban cycling outright and kill anyone who has ever possessed a bicycle. This may seem harsh but we must stop socialism at its roots. That's how it started in communist Russia after all.

Surely the wealthy, who after all are providing the air that common folk will breathe and the food they will eat, deserve more? Perhaps they could be issued with sex slaves, renewed as they become worn out?

Sex slaves? Do you want to bankrupt us? Why should I pay to keep a roof over someone's head and feed them when they should be paying me for the privilege? Why do think we abolished slavery in the first place? Too bloody expensive that's why.