Roman Abramovich, the shady Russian billionaire who owns soccer powerhouse Chelsea, is building his fourth yacht, a $400-million armored fortress with helipad, deployable submarine, floating harbor (aka “well deck”), and missile defense radar. At 550 feet long, it will be the largest yacht in the world. And also the awesomest.

The yacht will include radar equipment designed to warn the crew of incoming rockets, together with bullet-proof windows and armour plating on the bridge and around the 41-year-old Russian tycoon’s cabin.

There will be twin helicopter pads and anti-bugging equipment, while the crew of 70 will include former SAS and Special Boat Service personnel… Abramovich’s yacht will also have cabins for 24 guests as well as a cinema, aquarium, disco and hospital.

And an arena for monkey knife fights. Stripper pole in every room. 24-carat gold toilet. Plus a secret sub-basement for torture/bondage sex or the imprisonment of meddling journalists, rogue federal agents, captured assassins, and various personal enemies. And hey, who’s to rule out torture/bondage sex with imprisoned meddling journalists and captured assassins? International waters, baby.

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10.06.08 at 2:46 pm

Zack

Is this guy a football team owner or is he a James Bond style supervillain? Nobody’s saying he can’t be both, but if Chelsea doesn’t win the Champions League this year, Abramovich should think seriously about what his priorities are.

10.06.08 at 2:51 pm

Monkey Knife Fight

I love me some Monkey Knife Fights

10.06.08 at 2:59 pm

roflbacon

Maybe some Somali pirates will steal it…

10.06.08 at 3:19 pm

Diremutt

Abramovich clearly has a three inch dick.

10.06.08 at 3:20 pm

Blackcapricorn

My one bedroom apartment could really use a submarine with nuclear capabilities.

10.06.08 at 3:21 pm

Enrico Pallazzo

Is this the ship of lost souls?

10.06.08 at 3:37 pm

twoeightnine

You should see the size of his dinghy.

10.06.08 at 3:46 pm

Zack

All I’m saying is that his plans for league domination really shouldn’t have to take a backseat to his plans for world domination.

10.06.08 at 3:51 pm

Surt2k

One torpedo hit in the rudder and he will be easy pickings for the royal navy.

10.06.08 at 3:53 pm

smurphette

The Vikings want to rent it for their next party.

10.06.08 at 4:08 pm

Bloof

I was totally shit-faced at a rich guy’s party once, and believe it or not, pissed in the dude’s SOLID GOLD TOILET.

For several weeks after that, he was on a mission to find out who adulterated the tuba he kept in his closet.

10.06.08 at 5:02 pm

KevinW

Fuck Abramovich and fuck Chelski. Glory glory Man United.

10.06.08 at 5:09 pm

310ToJoba

I’m sorry, any boat that comes with it’s own escape submarine HAD to be invented by the Ruskes…

/still thinks this is the shit.

10.06.08 at 6:29 pm

Angel Eyes Van Cleef (for now)

A rather obvious way to spend $400 mill, Roman. Can’t wait to see the look on his face when i roll into the harbour in my replica Roman galley with every slave on the oars surgically altered to look like him.