Our Family Adventure

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Apathy is defined as having a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. This is a word I have used in the past 4-7 years to describe my personal response to politics. It is also a word that stares back at me as I think about the most recent cuts that the Oklahoma Department of Human Services must face during this next fiscal year. Cuts that will affect the foster families I serve and fellow adoptive families across Oklahoma. Cuts that will also reduce meals for senior citizens, child care help for low-income individuals and in-home support for developmentally disabled children and adults.

As I read about the most recent cuts, I thought – I’m guilty. I’m guilty of not caring enough to truly get involved.

Are you guilty too?

The truth is, I’ve worn the apathetic term like a badge of honor over the past several years, claiming all politicians were corrupt and acting like I was above the fray by not engaging. In reality, my silence and lack of interest put us in this place today. Did my lack of engagement push it over the edge? No. In fact, I’ve only lived in Oklahoma for 2 years and I voted this past November for the first time since 2008. True confession, prior to the vote I didn’t do any research on candidates or issues. I literally went in blind and chose accordingly. I didn’t vote straight party either, instead I mixed it up for good effort. This past spring I helped pen a letter to legislators on the behalf of Oklahoma Care and other foster care agencies expressing honest concern that the budget cuts could affect foster and adoptive families if DHS was forced to make additional cuts. I’m certain I probably patted myself on the back for my efforts.

Here is the problem though, I do not think I am much different from the average Oklahoman or American. We are jaded, apathetic and disengaged. When something goes astray we scream and shout for a minute, then we go back to our daily lives and let the politicians and lobbyists go back to business as usual. We do not hold politicians accountable with our vote and engagement. Guess what? I’m certain politicians know this too. They know we will sleep before the next vote and move on with the busyness of life. They know we will believe the lie, “my vote doesn’t make much of a difference” and not take the time to show up to the polls. They know we will climb on our social media soap box, post and vent, then climb back off it and never back it up with a phone call, a petition, or even a visit to their office. Apathy breeds apathy and it is all around us folks.

It is time to wake up fellow Oklahoman’s.

To everyone in the apathetic club with yours truly, I think it is time to get into the game and get involved. It is time to stop wondering if our vote even matters and move forward with making it matter. It is time to make Oklahoma a great state through our involvement, concern, and action.

Do I think the government should be the stop-gap for all of society’s needs? No. I do think it can and should do more for the most vulnerable including children, senior adults and the truly disabled. Politics aside, this is our issue Oklahoma. These cuts, this budget, and this broken political system came on our watch. We can blame oil prices, crooked politicians, lobbyists or an assortment of other issues, but first, let’s each look in the mirror, own up to our apathy, and commit to be different.

10.) What about your biological kids? Shouldn’t you be worried about them first?

I put this list together for a speaking event last year, where I spoke to a group of foster parents. I thought I’d take a moment to write the statements down and share with others.

At the conference, we all agreed we had heard these things said before and then we laughed. As foster parents, we have to learn to laugh. We have to understand that the rest of the world may never get us and what we do. The statements are rarely ill-intentioned, just often misinformed.

What we have to remember as foster and adoptive parents is this; It is through our journey and the pages of our lives that the rest of the world discovers the beauty and messiness of foster care and adoption. We are the book through which the world is learning and educating themselves.

So, when we get one more question, one more stare, or one more misinformed statement directed at us, just smile (or laugh) and then remember the potential impact our story and journey could have on future generations as the world learns more about foster care and adoption through us, and in that, others might just decide they can do it too!!

In a few weeks, individuals throughout the global church will focus on something near to the Father’s heart, the orphan. For this, I’m very thankful.

But, I’m also saddened and heartbroken. You see. I cannot begin to wrap my mind around why the orphan is only worth one Sunday in churches worldwide. I have a hard time understanding why the church chooses not to preach about our role and responsibility to the orphan on an ongoing basis. Is the orphan not our problem, our responsibility, or our call? Has scripture misled us all these years? Was God not serious when he clearly told us what ‘pure and true religion’ was and is in James 1:27?

I have been attending church for all of my life. During that time, I’ve heard three messages on our responsibility to the orphan. Yes, 3, that’s it! The first was in 2008 when I stood before the congregation I served in Waco, Texas, and preached about God’s heart for the orphan. Prior to that point I had never sat in a local church and heard a message regarding the church, the orphan, and our role to serve as followers of Christ. How ironic it is that we like to celebrate our own adoption into God’s family, but rarely do we call people to reciprocate that same love, commitment and sacrifice to be a family for someone else.

Do you know why that is? I don’t. But, I tend to think it is because we don’t like messy, life changing mandates to be placed on our lives. We like clean, simple, concise calls that only stretch us so far and guess what?? Often times, church leadership is not immune from that same desire.After all, if they call their people to serve in that capacity, what does that mean for them? Will God call them to do the same? So, we avoid preaching things that might get extremely messy. Instead we preach on the simple; the things we can control, manipulate, or quantify.

It is sad. The church was never intended to be God’s pep rally; we were intended to be His hands, His feet, and His body. Instead, somewhere along the way we convinced ourselves that salvation is all about our experience with God and not other’s experiencing God through us. And when it’s about us, it is easy to forget them; the orphan, the fatherless, and the lonely. When we are busy fitting God into our lives, it is easy to forget that He wants our lives to be all about Him.

The work of the orphan is messy. The orphan forces us to stare directly into the brokenness of our world with all of its sin, selfishness, heartache, disease, poverty, addiction, homelessness, neglect, abuse, generational cycles, failure, and struggles.And none of these fit very neatly into our calendars on our iPhones, or our Sunday morning ‘experiences’. So, we avoid it. But, we shouldn’t.

Underneath all that brokenness is God in action. He is the God of the orphan, of you and of me. He is the God of adoption and sonship. He is the God who defends the fatherless and sets the lonely in families and He is the God who calls all of us to follow Him on this journey. He never promised it wouldn’t be messy and heartbreaking, but He did promise the redemption story would be worth the ride.

On November 2nd, I’ll applaud those churches remembering the orphan and at the same time my heart will be heavy wondering, what if? What if the church really rose up and heard God’s heart? How could we change this world, but more importantly, how could we change the life of that one orphan in Africa, that one foster child in America, that one child abandoned, or that one teenager ‘aging out’ of the foster care system? How could we live out our adoption and act like adopted children who have love to give, resources to pour out, and a life ready to be interrupted? How could we join God in doing what He is already doing, loving the orphan?

Join me. Say a prayer and ask God to rise up the Church on behalf of orphans worldwide. And, then ask God to move you and I to join Him, our Father, in this cause, a cause that is near to His heart.

3 Simple Steps to Get Involved Today:

Educate: Connect with local groups who serve foster children, learn about the needs they have from the smallest to largest. Connect with a family who has fostered or adopted. Spend time understanding their heart, the process, and their needs. Connect with organizations that serve orphans on a global scale. Listen to their needs. Basically, spend time becoming familiar with the orphan on a local and global scale.

Pray: Ask God what it is He would have you to do. Not everyone is called to foster and/or adopt a child, but we are all called to do something. Ask and then listen.

Engage: Whatever it is you feel He is calling you to do, do it! If we wait around for someone else to do it, who is to say it will ever get done. The orphan needs me and you to obey and do whatever it is God is calling us to do. Education and prayer will only go so far without action. Get involved and do something.

This past summer we moved into a new neighborhood which meant our children would begin a new school. At the start of the school year our children were anxious about what the new school would be like. Would they make friends? Would their teachers like them? Would they be able to find their classes? All very common concerns when a little one is being asked to start something new. On the flip side the school and teachers had no idea who we were and how the make-up of our family came to be.

Recently a teacher of one of our daughters learned she was in foster care and upon hearing that, she said, “I had no idea she was in foster care”. Why? Because, “she did not look like a foster child”. Selfishly, we were glad to hear that. In fact, it was a momentary dang right moment. You know, “dang right she doesn’t look like she is in foster care, she is our child and looks like our child.”

The dang right moment was fleeting, because as advocates and parents with a heart for foster care we began to ask ourselves, what does that mean?

What exactly does a foster kid look like?

Unfortunately, society has their opinion. Foster children are supposed to look sad, they are supposed to have behavioral problems, they are supposed to look disheveled and have clothes on that are too small or too large, or maybe a little too outdated. They are supposed to be distracted and disobedient. In fact, they might even look like a little criminal in a child’s body, because after all that is who they are, right??

No, that is not who they are. Our kids are beautiful, smart, caring, handsome, curious, resilient, funny, strong-willed, courteous, and thoughtful. Our children are survivors. They have seen many things, but are hopeful for a better future. They are children who just need love and acceptance. Not pity, judgment, or sympathy.

We hate that there are foster parents out there who have perpetuated this image by not making sure their foster children have all they need clothing and hygiene wise. We hate that the stereotype of foster children being behavioral problems is perpetuated by a lack of understanding within the educational system regarding how trauma affects the brain in a child. Ultimately, we hate that society has painted an image of what a “foster child looks like.”

People often applaud us for being willing to “do that”. By “do that” they mean fostering. But, we are not the heroes. The real heroes are the children in foster care who walk out into the world every day looking to hold their head high and find love and acceptance all the while hoping someone doesn’t just write them off as a foster kid, especially because they look like it.

Yep, you’re dang right our kid doesn’t look like a foster kid. That’s because she isn’t. She is a hero, a little girl who has taken the worlds best shot and is still standing on her own two feet. In fact, that looks more like courage and resiliency if you ask us.

I love to post pictures of my children, share insight into my passions, and like my friend’s status. I feel inclined to retweet a great blog post or article. I dutifully share quotes and statistics that call others attention to the needs of humanity and the brokenness in our world.

I like to look at my friends pictures, utilize the networking platforms within social media, and randomly creep on people’s profile pages (true confession).

I enjoy watching videos, checking my newsfeed, following the retweeted ‘tweet’ back to the original source, taking the latest challenge and sharing with others ways they can be involved.

But, what if I like social media so much, that all I ever do is like, share, and retweet? Will anything be different? Will I have done my part to create change?

The geniuses behind the social media movement would presumably say, yes. On some levels, I would agree. Social media has given me a platform to educate and encourage others about foster care and adoption. It has given the non-profit organization I work for a way through which we can tell our story, call people to action and solicit donations. I see the value in social media.

And yet, I am afraid. I’m afraid my generation, my peers, my friends, and even I may be using social media as the easy way out, even unintentionally.

We sit at home, in our office, along the pews at church, or at a coffee shop, click a button, type a post, write a blog, and believe we have changed the world.

Boom. World change. Easy.

Or is it??

It is not as easy to physically go into our communities and find those who need our “hands and feet” to bring them good news and help. It is not as convenient to step out of our lives, disconnect from the created reality of social media and step into the messiness of those around us. Maybe they don’t need another like or share. Maybe instead they need a friend, a voice, resources, a listening ear, a ride, a jacket, a meal, our talents or even our homes.

If we are not careful, we will just become a generation of social media activists. The poor will still be poor, the sick will still be sick, the hungry will still be hungry, the lonely will still be lonely, but our laptops will be warm while our coffee cups are full. Generation fail.

What if our newsfeeds currently full of bathroom selfies, beach selfies, gym selfies, church selfies, bed selfies, dog selfies, and food selfies suddenly became saturated with selfies of widows, orphans, the elderly, the homeless, our neighbors and the downtrodden. Or, what if, selfies really weren’t needed anymore because our desire to be liked had been passed over by a desire to serve, love, comfort, and bring hope to others, all the while fulfilling needs within ourselves that we subconsciously had buried beneath one more post, picture, like, share and retweet.

I like social media, I really do. But, if I’m honest, social media can become a crutch through which I cover up my obligation to help others by just giving them a quick click.

So here you go, take this challenge, disconnect to connect. You can like it, share it, retweet it, hashtag it or hide it, but in the end, please disconnect for a bit, go out into your community and use your life for real change, real purpose, and real connection.

Boom. World change. It’s just that easy. The world is waiting for you.

#worldchangebeginswithyou

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

It had been a busy week and I was very ready for the weekend. In fact, it was 4:30 on a Friday afternoon and things were beginning to wrap up nicely so I could go home. That is when the phone call came in. The call from the state asking if the emergency shelter our organization ran had room for 4 children. I looked at the schedule for the weekend and quickly realized we would be out of compliance on 3 shifts and we had no one to fill those gaps. Well almost no one, there was me. Knowing I was the only option, I put the worker on hold and this is what came next. (brutal honesty)

Me: Jesus, what should I do? I’ve worked all week and I’m ready for the weekend!!!!

Jesus: (not audibly, but very profoundly) Are we really having this conversation about your weekend being disrupted? These children have had their whole lives disrupted. You know what to do.

Me: Crap! I’m not asking you anything else Jesus!!

I picked up the phone and told the worker we would accept the children into our shelter. I then called my wife and asked her to go pick up pizza’s for the children in the shelter, because I had just taken these new children and I was headed to the shelter to keep it in compliance until 11:00 PM. My wife’s mom happened to be in town, so Staci ran and picked up pizza’s and even brought ingredients for making cookies. She served beside me that night and was there when the children arrived at our shelter.

Fast forward two months. We now had our foster care license and we were preparing to take children into our own home. Our plan of keeping sibling groups of 2-3 together had now become a plan to keep a sibling group of 4 together. Can you guess which 4??

Yep, the 4 I almost didn’t take, because we didn’t have the staff and I didn’t want my weekend to be inconvenienced by working. But, instead I said ‘yes’ and now 21 months later those 4 incredibly awesome and precious children still live in our home and are a big part of our family. We have no idea what the future holds, but we are thankful we said ‘yes’, even though my selfishness clearly wanted to say ‘no!!!’.

What will your ‘yes’ be? Your ‘yes’ might just be what the world is needing today.