John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Our emotions go to high-alert when we're about to have surgery! (Published 2/5/2013)

Q:

When will I be able to look at my mom's picture again without crying and falling totally apart?

I'm able to face most days without issue, but now I'm also dealing with surgical menopause and cry almost non-stop about all things; especially about missing my mom.

I really need help with my feelings and getting a true understanding of what I'm going through and what is normal and expected when a parent dies.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Michele,

Thanks for your note and question.

The range of normal and natural emotions following the death of someone important to us is very wide. What you mention in your note definitely falls within that range. In fact, the issue of the emotional stimulus caused by pictures and other reminders is very typical and nothing to be overly concerned about.

We define grief as “the conflicting feelings caused by a change or end in a familiar pattern of behavior.” Therefore, your impending surgery produces a ton of feelings about the changes it implies. Not to mention the natural fears we all have about surgery, etc. Again well within the range of normal.

Missing your mom, especially at a time when you are scared and about to have surgery, is about as normal as it gets. We assume that if mom were alive, she’d be the one you’d turn to about all your emotions and fears.

We’ve answered as best we can given the fact that we only have the limited information you sent. For example, we don’t know how long it has been since your mom died. And while we preach against the idea that Time Heals all Wounds, we’re also very clear that in the first few weeks and months after the death of someone important to you, grief can be very raw and persistent [as in, “cry almost non-stop about all things;”].

No matter what, we strongly recommend that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you will sense a shift in the things you mention.