What Your Email Provider Says About You

Employers are always looking for ways to separate the boys from the men, the Marissa Mayers from the Elizabeth Holmes. Recruiters are just as lazy as you, just think about how many times they didn’t even send you the “we’ll keep your resume on file, but this job is actually reserved for Ivy League graduates” email. But the easiest way to cut the fat in the proverbial business sense of the word is profiling. But this has nothing to do with race and everything to do with method of electronic delivery. The collection of letters to the right of the “@” is just as important as those to the left. In the same way you don’t want your first impression to be them finding out you are a HawtAngelQTBae whose favorite number is 69, you don’t want your email provider screaming “poor choices and worse employee.”

Hotmail

I have no respect for myself or anyone around me. The only thing I have less of than self worth is sexual partners. I am probably a cat person.

@YourHigherEducationInstititution.edu

I’m riding the laurels of my alma mater all the way to an interview that I prefer to fuck up in-person. You decided to skip the phone screening because you’re an alumnus.

Gmail

I am the most vanilla white person on earth who regularly checks their email during brunch and only uses Gmail because SnapChat hasn’t invented a viable email solution yet.

Yahoo Mail

I am definitely a divorced mother of two who asks for the manager to the detriment of my children’s popularity. I use Yahoo search to find manufacturers coupons.

YMail

I got an Yahoo email address during the Bush administration so I could play Fantasy Football and Yahoo Pool. My friends who have moved on to greener email providers relentlessly mocked me for using the #1 email provider of AIM users.

iCloud

I might have a handlebar mustache and definitely spend too much time on Reddit. I’ve spent most of my time in artisanal coffee shops trying to figure out how to sync my 11 Apple devices. Oh, and I wait in line when the new iPhone drops like an aspiring rapper waiting for Yeezys.

Slack

My startup just got series B funding. My favorite show is Silicon Valley and I only wear hoodies to work. I’ve never met a PBR I didn’t like and I dropped out of Stanford, Harvard or Yale to pursue my app building career. I own 4% of Tesla.

@YourMajorCompany.com

I use my corporate American job to prove to Tinder girls that I’m a safe bet. I aspire to be a CPA, lease Hyundai’s and won’t go out on Sunday nights for fear of missing my HBO shows. Austin Powers is my favorite movie franchise.

Outlook

The only thing more terrifying than change is losing money in my 401k. I take baby aspirin and prefer missionary style sex.