I thought since it’s been nearly 2 1/2 years since I last posted, I might take a stab at it today. Not that I was ever a frequent poster before, but I think the combination of facebook and LJ have had as much to do with it as anything else. Facebook is faster; LJ gives me a more private place to write and share things that I don’t necessarily feel like sharing with the world at large.

Another factor is that with completeing my PhD and dissertation, then caring for my mom after a fairly serious surgery, followed immediately by becoming the primary caregiver to my elderly grandmother (6 days a week), I haven’t had a ton of free time to spend on web projects (or much of anything else), although I’m slowly getting back into it now. I need to do something to decompress, and I’ve found myself really, really missing my hobby as of late.

I’m dipping my toes back in to web design and Photoshop by building a new fanlisting. I actually had almost decided that I was too old now for fansites and fanlistings, but with some encouragement from some dear fans, I decided to go for it. Next up after that, I’m going to re-do some of my other fanlistings and update my layout/personal website. For one thing, this layout is 5 1/2 years old now, and for another, I feel like this site doesn’t really reflect who I am anymore in terms of what little content there is. I keep reading those about me and favorites pages that I made when I was like 23 or somewhere in there. They seem so hilariously ridiculous now and, beyond that, feel like they’re things from a lifetime ago. (Honestly, especially considering the last 3 1/2 to 4 years, it really was a whole lifetime ago.)

I’m still not going to post anything of any real importance or significance here–at least not that often. That said, I do want to try to post more. I’ve been inspired by my friend E and her site Something Insightful. She’s a fabulous photographer and doing a weekly photo project this year. I’d thought about doing a photo project as well, and had looked at several weekly/monthly/random theme groups, but I didn’t really feel inspired. So, instead, I’ve decided to go with another one of my loves, cooking and baking, and do an at least weekly recipe post. I’m going to have to get caught up with several recipes at once, but I suppose it’s better to be late with it than not do it all.

I think most everyone has a few forgotten memories or moments tucked away in parts of their brains. Sometimes though, something as simple as a color or a sound can bring them back. Today, I had three such moments of remembering.

1.) It’s the first time in 7 years I’ve been home while they put up silage for the cows. I had forgotten how loud the blower and the unloader are when running out in the field behind the house.

2.) The intoxicating smells of dirt, land, and humid air at dusk as the suns last golden rays shine on bluegrass.

3.) The giddy excitement that accompanies the arrival of the Kentucky State Fair entry book in the mail. The last year has not been the easiest and for the first time in even longer, I didn’t just remember, but felt the same joy I felt as a child and teen–long before I knew what real problems and heartbreak are. Moments like those seem to be so rare and fleeting in adulthood, and I’ve wondered so many times in recent years if I’d ever feel untainted joy again.

I know this is going to sound corny, but I remembered today what it’s like to feel completely happy. For me, and the mental and emotional place I’ve been in for so long now–haunted by demons of self-doubt and lack of self-confidence that have left me frozen at times, unable to believe in myself, and so disconnected from the person that I used to be that I wondered if I’d ever see that girl again–that’s a pretty big thing.

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