At an event last night, the verbally-incontinent crooner was alternately silent and douchey.

At VH1's Save the Music Foundation gala in New York, the normally loquacious Mayer — who recently stopped Tweeting — allegedly gave reporters the cold shoulder. But he also gave a speech, "cracking a joke about sending bottles of wine to women after they give 'vaginal birth.'" We're trying to come up with a mitigating context; there is none. [E]

Spencer Pratt says Speidi's fame-whoring was "naive, egotistical, and just foolish." Oh, and the "divorce?" Totally selfless. "As much as I love her, I was like, 'You need to divorce me to save any chance of a career, a business for yourself.' It's not fair for this sweet, innocent Heidi Montag to be part of Speidi. So really I was trying to divorce Speidi … 'cause you know I know I have no future career on camera, on TV, but Heidi, still to this day, I think could be the biggest actress, TV star, movie star, singer - she was born for it." Plan H: Sincerity. [ET]

Mel and Oksana's hearing tomorrow will apparently center on overnight visitation; she claims Mel sticks the baby with a nanny and shirks his responsibilities. He, presumably, begs to differ. [TMZ]

HOW DID IT TAKE SO LONG? Some porno types are considering a Kanye-Taylor Swift porno. Insert "Imma let you finish" joke here. [The Hairpin]

For those of you who caught Mariah last New Year's and are feeling bereft, fear not: it's nothing some HBO and THIS campfest can't fix! "Taped before a packed house at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, Bette Midler's fifth HBO special spotlights the Emmy(R), Golden Globe and Grammy winner's high-energy blend of spectacular music and bawdy humor. BETTE MIDLER: THE SHOWGIRL MUST GO ON features some of Midler's colorful characters and her entourageof talented performers, including the staggering Harlettes, her dazzling dancers, The Caesar Salad Girls, and a 13-piece band, which includes a six-person horn section from the Las Vegas band The Fat City Horns. The all-new presentation showcases many of The Divine Miss M's greatest hits, including "The Rose," "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy," "From a Distance," "Hello in There" and "Wind Beneath My Wings."" [Perez Hilton]

Eminem has only read one book. It's LL Cool J's autobiography I Make My Own Rules. Says Eminem, "I just never really got into books." [E]

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are on again, after breaking off their engagement in August. [Poeple]

Vanessa and Nick's engagement is like Louis XIV's coronation or something: a week-long celebration! Now the happy pair are in Nick's hometown of Cincinnati, where they took in a Bengals game and partied at some "rock bar" with a "private DJ." [Perez Hilton]

Bummer: fake nudes of Emma Watson are apparently making the rounds at Brown, where she's a student. Says her publicist, whom we are hiring immediately, "There have been a number of nude fakes over the past two months. Emma has seen them and finds them tiresome. People should know better." [PopEater]

Michael Lohan criticizes Demi Lovato's parents for talking to the press, in the press. Says the self-righteous deadbeat, "There are two reasons why I have no respect for people who talk or comment about others...First, it's because, in most cases, those individuals are looking from the outside in, and they are passing judgment or commenting on people they know nothing about. The second reason is because they are too cowardly to say it to the person themselves....I ask Demi Lavato's father to refrain from making asinine statements about my daughter, or say it to my face himself, and if so, I will pay for the transportation and his hospital bills." [The Superficial]

Christina Milian's and The Dream have reached a divorce settlement. We don't know anything about it. [Perez Hilton]

Gwyneth Paltrow is "nervous but excited" about performing at the CMAs. Quoth the double-threat (triple! Goop!) "I think it'll be fun. It'll be a unique experience in my life, so I'm looking forward to it." [E]