Talk

Late Laughs for the week of June 3 - 9, 2018

The Late Late Show With James Corden

A North Carolina meat supplier has recalled 35,000 pounds of ground beef after customers complained that it contained pieces of hard, blue plastic. So now, if you get a McDonald's happy meal, your burger is both the meal AND the toy.

Facebook is adding a new feature that will allow people to use Facebook as an online dating app. Facebook might be good at this. They already did such a good job matching up American voters with Russian trolls.

Hasn't Facebook always been a dating site? Specifically for married men in their 50s who leave their wives after reconnecting with their high school sweetheart.

Instagram just announced their own new update: they'll be adding a new anti-bullying filter to weed out insulting comments. Once bullying is removed from Instagram, you'll only be able to find it on every single other website on the internet.

A high school in Michigan has faced a backlash after announcing that female students who attend prom wearing revealing dresses will be given something called a "modesty poncho." Yes, because we all know bare shoulders are the most dangerous thing threatening school kids these days.

A new species of water beetle discovered in Malaysian Borneo has been named, and they've named this beetle after the actor Leonardo DiCaprio. To which Leonardo DiCaprio said, "Thank you? I guess?"

H&M has announced their new spring collection will be catering to the modest fashion market, with outfits that cover up more of your body. They're calling it "modest" fashion. Which is the No. 1 compliment you want to get on what you're wearing, isn't it? "Jane, love your dress, you look so modest."

Conan

A man in Wisconsin broke a world record by eating his 30,000th Big Mac. Meanwhile, another man broke a world record by eating at Long John Silver's twice.

On Saturday, Elon Musk tweeted that he wants to start a candy company. Then today, Elon Musk tweeted that his candy company is already three months behind in production.

According to a new article on Melania Trump that just came out, most evenings she does not have dinner with President Trump. Melania said: "Occasionally, I'll join him during his third breakfast."

During their recent summit, the South Korean president gave North Korean leader Kim Jong Un a USB drive. Kim Jong Un said, "Thank you, this looks delicious."

Rudy Giuliani was on TV this weekend and said President Trump may take the fifth. It's unclear if Giuliani is referring to amendments or wives.

Today, Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she is unaware of hush money payments made by President Trump to other women. Then Sanders opened an envelope full of cash and said, "I'm sorry, I can't talk anymore."

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

A group of MIT graduates just opened a restaurant in Boston where the chefs are all robots, which makes it extra creepy when you find a hair in your food.

Over the weekend, Chip Gaines from the HGTV show "Fixer Upper" ran a marathon while wearing a tool belt. And now for the bad news: that's ALL he wore.

Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple. Or what they really deserve: a bottle of wine and a straw.

Uber says it hopes to have flying cars in operation by 2020. It's all part of their plan to help drunk people throw up faster.

Jennifer Lopez is here tonight! She's on the show "World of Dance," which is sort of like "Dancing With the Stars," except the dancing is good and there are actual stars.

I saw last night a Picasso painting of a naked girl was sold at an auction for $115 million. So congrats to the middle school boys who all pooled their lunch money together to buy it.

I saw that the average person spends $180 for Mother's Day. Yep, they spend $20 on a gift, and then $160 on overnight shipping.

Rudy Giuliani has resigned from his law firm to focus on working for Trump. His co-workers threw him a going-away party, but since he's working for Trump, the cake said, "See you back here in two weeks."

Teacher Appreciation Day is very special. It's the one day each year when we tell our teachers there's no one we're more proud of, and our teachers are like, "There's no one OF WHOM you're more proud."

A 92-year-old man was just elected to be the next prime minister of Malaysia. Or, as his running mate put it, "I'm going to be the next prime minister of Malaysia!"

Mother's Day is on Sunday, and to celebrate, the RNC is selling pink "Make America Great Again" hats. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have NO idea what to get you for Mother's Day this year."

A zoo is facing charges for taking a bear out for ice cream at a local Dairy Queen. Even worse, the bear is lactose intolerant.

This weekend wasn't just about Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby -- people also celebrated Star Wars Day. In Utah, a pair of twins were born and their parents named them Luke and Leia. Everyone thought it was sweet, except for their OTHER son, Jar Jar.

Starting this week, every fast food chain in America has to post calorie counts on their menus. You can tell people are confused, because today, they read the menu like, "I'll have the … Whopper 3,000!"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Did you hear about that big, very old, very scary volcano that erupted over the weekend? Well, his name is Rudy Giuliani.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump tweeted today that his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un will take place on June 12. Which means that June 13 might not take place at all.

Rudy Giuliani announced today that he is leaving his law firm to work for President Trump's legal team full time. "Well, we're sorry to hear that," said Trump's legal team.

According to CNN, President Trump has been flustered by the negative coverage generated by Rudy Giuliani's recent interviews. As opposed to Giuliani, who is only flustered by lights, cameras, questions and talking.

Spotify announced today that it is removing R. Kelly's music from all of its curated playlists as part of an updated policy toward objectionable content and conduct by artists. Which is rough for him, because he's totally into streaming.