Zach Zola

December is here, which means that it is finally socially acceptable to start listening to Christmas music.

As for me, Christmas music is a year-long entity in my life; and by Christmas music, I mean Michael Bublé’s 2011 Christmas album. The gift that keeps on giving, this album is Bublé’s take on some of the season’s most popular tunes. 15 songs (technically 16, if you count the 8-second “Christmas Welcome Message”) in total – it is time for the Pop Culture Guru to rank them.

15) Jingle Bells

It’s a shame that maybe the most well-known song on this album is easily Bublé’s worst output. Featuring the Puppini Sisters – a vocal trio that looks like they came here in a time machine straight from the Roaring 20s – this adaptation is clunky at best and disgustingly bad in reality.

14) Silent Night

*Sigh* God damn, this one is boring. I thought the point of this album was to modernize and reinvent some Christmas songs, but Bublé sounds like he can barely stay awake by the time the first chorus comes around. If you can somehow make it all the way to the children’s choir part, I applaud you.

13) Santa Baby — or should I say, Santa “Buddy”

This is frankly a pretty bad song in general, and there’s not much Bublé can do to fix it. I just don’t think it should have been on the album in the first place.

Some of you may be wondering: why am I ranking the ten best Glee performances ever? To that, I have no real answer other than that I felt like it. A number of factors were considered for the ten songs that made it on to this list – as well as the thousands of other nominees that just missed the cut – ensuring that this would be an accurate evaluation of Glee’s wide-ranging canon of vocal performances. You will not be seeing any Season 5 or 6 performances on this list because, unlike a fine wine or a Pierce Brosnan, Glee did not get better with age. Enjoy:

10) “I’ll Stand by You” – Finn (Season 1, Episode 10)

This is by far Finn’s best solo performance, but I will say that it was a bit odd to see him singing a love song to a sonogram. Awkward moment when his mom walked in on him. Also, I used this version of the song as inspiration for my acapella audition last year. Did I get a part? God no.

Fred. Daphne. Velma. Shaggy. Scooby. Now, though, it’s time to add a sixth member to the Mystery Gang – Yes, I, Blog’s Pop Culture Guru, will be embarking on a mystery of my own today.

For thousands of years, people have wondered what the ten best animated Scooby-Doo movies of all-time are. Now, I attempt to uncover the answer to that elusive question. Enjoy:

10) Scooby-Doo and the Monster of Mexico (2003)

This movie is a depressing tale of love and loss blanketed by a fun story about the Mystery Gang’s attempt to rescue a Mexican town from El Chupacabra. A local hotel-owner helping the gang solve the mystery is engaged to an American woman named Charlene. For her part, Charlene was working with her real true love — some random guy named Smiley. She then tells her fiancée, “I never loved you, you pee brain!” That’s pretty goddamn dark. To make matters worse, Smiley turns out to be a colonialist who wishes “everyone could learn English.” Basically the whole movie is problematic.

9) Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy! (2006)

Scooby-Doo often finds success when it devolves into complete chaos. In this one, a half-baked plan from a hypnotist named Mr. Mysterio and an eccentric billionaire named Biff Wellington achieves just that. Essentially, there were some Ghost Pirates led by Captain Skunkbeard who wanted to find this giant orb called the “Heavenly Light,” because it could turn back time or something. God knows why they wanted to “unlock the depths of time,” but I’ll accept it. Some genuinely exciting action sequences, though, coupled with an appearance from Fred’s overbearing parents, makes this a serviceable Scooby-Doo experience.

Best Exchange: “Will you assist me in a journey to the depths and edges of your unconscious mind?” – Mr. Mysterio

“No thank you.” – Scooby

8) Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster (2004)

Bear with me here. According to the always reliable internet, the Mystery Machine weighs approximately 2.6 tons. When Fred accidentally drives it off a cliff and into the ocean (*sigh*), though, he, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby are somehow able to push it all the way back up with their sheer physical strength. Let’s do some math here. Fred, who often boasts that he can bench-press 220, probably clocks in at around 200 pounds or so (all muscle); Velma is likely no more than 100 pounds; Shaggy eats far too much, but has a wicked fast metabolism, so let’s call him 140; male Great Danes like Scooby top out at around 160 pounds. At most, then, these four individuals weigh a combined 600 pounds. I could do some calculus here, but I think it’s pretty obvious that there is no way in hell the Mystery Machine could have been pushed back up the cliff, and it really should have rolled back over and severely injured all of them. This oversight by the filmmakers angered me. Otherwise, this is a really enjoyable movie, and it was pretty amusing to find out that Daphne’s family owns a castle that was once home to her alleged Scottish ancestors.

Out of Context Quote: “Oh, no! I just got this baby hot-waxed!” – Fred

7) Aloha, Scooby-Doo! (2005)

This is a fun move with a really well-conceived villain, but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to discuss the film’s perception of hang-gliding. So, Fred, a man who has never hang-glided in his life, rents himself a hang-glider, and sneaks away to a giant cliff without any instructor present. He claims he never got to the part in the instruction manual about learning how to land, yet somehow escapes without injury. From this point on, Fred seems to be able to freely rent out the hang-gliding equipment whenever the hell he wants — an experience that, in Hawaii, costs $325 an hour. He spends the rest of the movie randomly hang-gliding without any regard for what the group actually needs. Other than that nonsense, the awesome surfing scenes and Auntie Mahini’s hilarious lack of hospitality gives this movie a solid ranking.

Most Brutal Call-Out: “Danger is my middle name.” – Fred

“I thought it was Herman.” – Velma

6) Scooby-Doo and the Ghoul School (1988)

This one includes only two members of the Mystery Gang (plus Scrappy-Doo), as Shaggy and Scooby are hired to work as gym teachers for an all-girls’ school. Details remain hazy on how they got this gig. Their main objective is to help the daughters of famous monsters beat their foes at Calloway Military Academy in volleyball. This match is played out in excruciating detail, as nearly every single shot in the match to 21 is shown on our screens. But in the more exciting portion of the movie, the motley crew of Revolta, the Grim Creeper, and the Well-Dweller kidnap the girls in an attempt to “Revoltize” them, which, in layman’s terms, means to turn them evil forever. Overall “Fang-tastic!”

Cringy Quote: “Like I’m ready to get to this fancy girl’s school and try some of their fancy cooking.” – Shaggy

5) Scooby-Doo and the Witch’s Ghost (1999)

This one begins when Ben Ravencroft, horror novelist and the best supporting character in Scooby Doo history (just barely beating out Paco the Talking Eagle), invites the Mystery Gang up to his old hometown to help him find a way to clear his ancestor’s name. Little do they know, though, that Ravencroft is actually an evil mastermind seeking an ancient journal that will allow him — if my calculations are correct — to control both nature and the world. This movie also gives us not one, but two performances from the legendary Hex Girls — future staples of the Scooby-Doo world. Their song, “Earth, Wind, Fire, and Air”, is a bit odd I will admit, but damn, you can tell the band is having a lot of fun up there on stage.

Quote That’s Now in Multiple Commercials, But Apparently Originated with This Movie: “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” – Velma

4) Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders (2000)

It’s always striking when you remember that the Mystery Gang members are all supposedly teenagers. My moment of remembrance while creating this list came when a creepy old man named Lester somehow coerces the gang to stay at his place for the night. Sure, he’s hospitable, but everything about it seemed very illegal. This movie stands out, though, because of the romantic subplot between Shaggy and Crystal — someone who is somehow turned on by the fact that Shaggy eats dog food. Crystal of course turns out to be an alien, but it was nice to see Shaggy in love for a bit. I especially enjoyed his original song and subsequent music video called “Groovy”.

Sketchy Quote: “Did they experiment on ya? *wink*” – Lester

3) Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998)

This one begins with the Mystery Gang split up; Daphne and Fred are busy producing a hit ghost-hunting series, Velma works at a bookstore, and Shaggy and Scooby somehow got jobs as TSA Agents. This pointless estrangement is quickly rectified in a swift four minutes of screen time, and the real movie kicks into gear. Taking place in the depths of Louisiana, the Mystery Gang is invited to visit a real haunted house. Here, they encounter zombies, large cat-people, and a detective who, for reasons still unknown to me, is working undercover as a gardener. This is by far the scariest installment on the list, earning it a spot in the top 3.

2) Scooby-Doo and the Legend of the Vampire (2003)

As this movie was winding down, I was mentally preparing myself to give this one a comfortable ranking somewhere around the 4-5 range. Then, everything changed. The Mystery Gang got to perform as the closing act at a music festival, and this was —I kid you not — one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen. I need to do some more research into who did the vocal work for Velma, but all I know for sure is that my jaw was completely dropped the entire time she was singing. Wow. Past that, we get a reunion with the illustrious Hex Girls, some hilarious plans by Fred, and an appearance from the iconic band Two Skinny Dudes. With a larger than life monster and a couple incredible chase sequences, this one is truly incredible.

Dumbest Hex Girls Song Lyric: “We do voodoo. Who do voodoo? We do.” – Hex Girls

1) Scooby-Doo and the Cyber Chase (2001)

There are so many little moments in Cyber Chase that ask for a suspension of disbelief: the specificities of the virus, the slow-moving lava, and the fact that a college campus security guard has the power to arrest people. But hey, I am willing to look past these aspects, and simply enjoy the best Scooby-Doo movie ever made. The highlights: the gladiator scene, Scooby and Shaggy’s sensual French fry eating, and, of course, Professor Kaufman and his crazy hair. Most importantly, though, if you did not cry when the Mystery Gang has to say goodbye to the past versions of themselves, you have no heart.

Iconic Quote: “Jaguaro?!? I thought he was in Brazil!” – Velma

Last week, to celebrate the impending arrival of Halloween, I ranked the top ten Halloween-themed sitcom episodes of all time. This week, I have decided to head on over to Disney Channel. Ranking the top ten Disney Channel Halloween specials may have been a gruelling process that left me feeling ashamed, but I have created a comprehensive list that I hope you will enjoy. Excuse me while I go throw up the taste of Dog with a Blog from my mouth, though.

This episode is, frankly, straight-up garbage. Narrated by younger brother Augie, or, as I like to call him, the absolute worst, we are treated (no pun intended) to three separate, increasingly stupid Halloween stories about the main characters. The thing I never liked about Girl Meets World is that the middle school kids are given dialogue that makes them sounds like old, wise scholars. It’s sometimes a fun show with interesting drama, but often times just life lesson BS when there doesn’t need to be a life lesson. To the struggling adult actor who paraded himself around in a tutu screaming “Tu! Tu! Tu!” to accompany the ominous soundtrack, I hope they gave you a lot of money.

9) Hannah Montana – Season 1, Episode 17: Torn Between Two Hannahs

This was a difficult episode to rank. I could have awarded it a good position for its entertaining plot or classic villain comeuppance, or, I could have taken away points for its number of cringe-inducing moments. Clearly, I went with the latter. Miley’s cousin LuAnn visits (played by Miley herself), and is just an offensive, caricature of a person with an absolutely ridiculous Southern-accent that can be summed up in her first line: “Howdy, ‘cuz! Well, yee doggies, this is one hum-dinger of a shack!” This is coupled with a neighborhood man inviting a bunch of little kids over to his place to “ride his pony” (he does own an actual pony, but the point remains.)

8) Liv and Maddie – Season 3, Episode 4: Haunt-A-Rooney

This is a good episode of Liv and Maddie. It is. The problem, though, is that a good episode of Liv and Maddie does not necessarily mean that it’s a quality thirty minutes of television. This episode succeeds on two fronts: one, it moves its worst character, Joey, to the background, not giving him much of a chance to take part in his typically annoying antics. And two – Liv, the far less interesting twin, is finally given some more complex material to work with. On the other side of things, everything with Johnny Nimbus and the haunted port-a-potty is a reminder that this show’s failures will always outweigh its triumphs.

7) Shake It Up – Season 3, Episode 25: Haunt It Up

Let me sidebar for a moment if I may – CeCe’s little brother Flynn remains an enigma to me. He’s written as an immature boy who likes baby-ish pranks and stuff, but, at the same time, he can cook for himself, leave the apartment whenever he wants, and parades around in clothes straight out of GQ Magazine. AND, to complicate things further, his best friends seem to be dudes in high school. How old do the showrunners want this boy to be?!? Anyway, as for the episode itself – this is a decent, if not forgettable, installment in which CeCe and Rocky realize they miss trick-or-treating, and Ty and Deuce get scared at a haunted house. Standard stuff, but an above-average episode of Shake It Up in the grand scheme of things.

6) Wizards of Waverly Place – Season 3, Episode 2: Halloween

Interesting premise here, as Alex decides to use her wizarding powers to make the Russo Family Haunted House the best on the block. Truthfully, though, this episode’s flop-to-hit ratio is way out of whack. However, it would be irresponsible of me to not give a show of this esteem the benefit of the doubt. With some scene stealing work here by the affable David DeLuise, I feel comfortable allowing this pedestrian episode to earn a respectable spot on my list.

5) Dog with a Blog – Season 2, Episode 3: Howloween

Earlier, I said that I wanted to throw up the taste of Dog with a Blog. Look, I’ll be honest with you; I only said that to sound cool. I love Dog with a Blog. It’s f*cking hilarious. Stan the Talking Dog will always be one of Disney Channel’s greatest creations. In this episode, Avery wants to throw a spooktacular Halloween party to impress a boy from school (played by Lucas from Girl Meets World!Crossover! Yay!) Stan takes the opportunity to disguise himself so that he can actually talk to people without them knowing he is a dog. He becomesa robot named “Jack O’Lanternberg” – claiming to be the son of a Jewish rabbi from Ireland – this is one of the rare Dog with a Blog episodes where every single wacky plan seems to work out.

4) Boy Meets World – Season 5, Episode 17: And Then There Was Shawn

Boy Meets World, a significantly better show than its successor, Girl Meets World, makes its foray into Halloween territory by spoofing Agatha Christie’s mystery novel And Then There Were None. (A book that I am not ashamed to say gave me nightmares for most of 7th grade).Some of this episode is pretty bad – the incessant screaming comes to mind here – but a lot of it is actually really funny. For example, the gang mutually agreeing that Kenny will be the first to be killed because he isn’tpart of the main cast is the type of meta-comedy that Disney Channel needs more of. Unfortunately, I cannot reward it a position within the top 3 because it was all a dream.

3) Zack and Cody – Season 1, Episode 19: The Ghost in Suite 613

This is not only the scariest episode on the list by far, it’s so scary that I’m not really sure how Disney Channel allowed it to happen. I mean, the part where Esteban becomes possessed by a ghost is straight out of a horror movie. I get that putting the laugh track in the background is supposed to alleviate my terror, but it only made the episode that much creepier. Outside of that, this one is notable for allowing Cody to get the upper hand on Zack – something that’s rare during the show’s run. n.

2) Jessie – Season 2, Episode 1: The Whining

I really wanted to award this one first place. In terms of sheer content, it is probably the best by a longshot. Taking on the daunting task of spoofing “The Shining”, Jessie delivers one of their best episodes ever. Masterfully utilizing a number of elements from the movie – such as the blood in the elevator and the creepy twins – this episode succeeds on a number of levels. However, there is a horribly out of place Scooby-Doo chase sequence toward the end that just takes away from everything that theepisode originally struggled to achieve. Couple this with a rushed wrap-up leaving a lot of unanswered questions, and it becomes hard for me to give this one the top ranking. Look, I know I’m harsh, but it’s all for the sake of justice.

1) Good Luck Charlie – Season 2, Episode 25: Scary Had a Little Lamb

It’s not surprising that the best show on this list (Wizards of Waverly Place may have something to say about that) would have the best Halloween special. Pushing the Teddy storyline to the side, this episode succeeds by giving its real stars – Amy, Gabe, PJ – the most material to work with. PJ dresses up as a goth with a moustache, but it turns out that he truly became goth to impress his new girlfriend, and his costume was just the fake moustache. Everything about this episode – from Amy and Bob dressing up as each other, to Gabe wearing a lame second costume because “the second time around is all about volume” – is fantastic, and the episode is highly deserving of first place in this list.

October is upon us, which means that Halloween is rapidly approaching. To celebrate the spookiest time of the year, I thought it would be a good time to rank the top ten Halloween-themed sitcom episodes of all time.

10) Friends – Season 8, Episode 6: The One with the Halloween Party

Friends may be an overrated show (you heard me), but their one Halloween special suffices. Most of this episode is pretty meh honestly, but it is saved by the most unlikely of sources: Ross. His “Spud-nik” costume – a cross between a potato and the Russian satellite Sputnik – is probably the most ridiculously hilarious costume from any character on this list. And he puts it to good use, besting the pink bunny suit-wearing Chandler in the most depressing arm-wrestling contest ever shown on television.

Spooktacular Quote: “Well, is it fair that all you had to do was put on a cape and now I have to give you free stuff?” – Rachel

9) Freaks and Geeks – Season 1, Episode 3: Tricks and Treats

The arrival of Halloween causes a panic among parents and kids alike here, as rumors circulate that hippies have been infusing heroin into candy bars in an anti-establishment political statement. Though only on the air for one season, Freaks and Geeks quickly found its niche of walking the fine line between significant coming-of-age moments and equally significant fits of awkwardness. With Lindsay beginning her transition between friend groups and Sam experiencing the tribulations of trick-or-treating as 9th grader, this episode achieves both.

8) The Office – Season 8, Episode 5: Spooked

It took a lot of courage for me to choose a post-Michael Scott Office episode, but hear me out. Season 8 MVPs — Erin, Robert California, and Gabe, in that order — are each given their chance to shine here, with Erin at her most poignant, Robert at his most mind-boggling, and Gabe at his most insane. It is a touching episode that is contrasted with Gabe’s horrifyingly hilarious Cinema of the Unsettling. Couple this with a newfound bromance between Dwight and Robert California’s ten-year-old son Burt, and we have an unforgettable Dunder Mifflin Halloween celebration.

Spooktacular Quote: “You don’t live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby.” – Creed

Most of the time, all It’s Always Sunny has to do to make me laugh is give Danny DeVito something funny to wear and have him waddle around a bit. In this episode, his Man-spider costume (not to be confused with Spiderman) fits the bill. Beyond that, though, this one belongs to the McPoyle’s: Liam McPoyle chugging a glass of milk and screaming “YOU WILL CALL HER!” to Mac after he slept with Liam’s sister will never not be funny.

6) How I Met Your Mother – Season 1, Episode 6: Slutty Pumpkin

From Ted’s hanging chad costume to the random Angel just trying to get some weed, “Slutty Pumpkin” is an absolute classic. Ted has always been a hopeless romantic, and his attempt to reunite with the penguin-loving, pumpkin-wearing Antarctic voyager who supposedly invented mixing Kahlua with root beer is probably the most blatant example of that. Elsewhere, Barney and Robin’s respective escapades remind us how much better the show was before they got together (This is almost a hot take, but not quite).

5) Curb Your Enthusiasm – Season 2, Episode 3: Trick or Treat

Like any Curb episode, Larry David’s social miscues get him into trouble with a number of furious adversaries. To name a few: he unintentionally whistles a song written by Hitler’s favorite composer in front of a Jewish man, refuses to give candy to kids who appear to be above the trick-or-treating age threshold, and substitutes out every cobb salad ingredient in front of the grandson of the inventor of cobb salad (turns out he was lying). Unlike most Curb episodes, though, this one sees Larry get his rightful revenge in an epic finale.

Spooktacular Quote: With all due respect, Officer, you are not bald. You’ve chosen to shave your hair, and that’s a look you’re cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don’t really consider you part of the bald community…with all due respect.” – Larry

4) Community – Season 2, Episode 6: Epidemiology

I’m a simple man. If you give me multiple ABBA songs in your Halloween special soundtrack, I will rank you higher up on the list. After some mystery meat turns everyone at a costume party into zombies — and “S.O.S” transitions seamlessly into “Dancing Queen” — hilarity ensues as everything devolves into absolute chaos. Come for the jumpy cat that steals the show, and stay for Ken Jeong trying to bait unsuspecting partygoers into racism by wearing a Peggy Fleming costume (he’s not Michelle Kwan or Kristi Yamaguchi, of course).

Spooktacular Quote: “Leonard, you better back that pumpkin ass up or I’m gonna make a pie.” – Shirley

3) Parks and Recreation – Season 2, Episode 7: Greg Pikitis

The Joker leaves behind a playing card, the “Wet Bandits” from Home Alone leave the faucets running, and Greg Pikitis leaves a peach pit. All of these supervillains know how to make their mark after a crime, and I’ll be damned if Pikitis isn’t the dastardliest of them all. Leslie Knope would certainly agree, as she spends the entirety of this episode ruthlessly trying to arrest her teenage foe. I still can’t believe the bastard hired a fake mother to bail him out. Brilliant.

Spooktacular Quote: “Look – I’ve been very civil so far. But I will waterboard you!” – Leslie

2) Brooklyn Nine-Nine – Season 4, Episode 5: Halloween IV

Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s annual tradition of Halloween-themed heist episodes made it difficult for me to pinpoint the best of the bunch, but, after agonizing over the decision for minutes, I have concluded that the fourth installment reigns supreme. The MVP of the episode is undoubtedly Captain Holt, who is an energetic force unlike ever seen before – viciously breaking through a glass window, threatening to slit Jake and Amy’s bodies from mouth to anus, and constantly referring to Boyle as a “porkchop”. With an elaborate con dating back to the 4th grade by Gina, and Jake hiring a sketchy guy to pretend to be Boyle, this is Brooklyn Nine-Nine at its absolute best.

Spooktacular Quote: “I’m the third in a lot of marriages. I got a nice, soft face so I don’t intimidate the other husbands.” – Fake Boyle

1) Modern Family – Season 2, Episode 6: “Halloween”

Modern Family now is not nearly the show it once was, but this episode is a reminder that it was once an unbeatable entity come awards’ season. The Dunphy family attempts to put on a haunted house for trick- or-treaters, but Claire’s valiant efforts are ruined by a number of factors, including Gloria suddenly losing her accent, Phil desperately trying to rekindle a marriage that has shown no signs of needing rekindling, and Haley dressing up as “Mother Theresa before she was hot”. The episode’s peak, though, is Mitch rappelling down a drainage pipe in a Spiderman costume after finding out that the only people in his office who dress up for Halloween are “tools and douches”.

Spooktacular Quote: “Unfortunately, Halloween for me personally was marred by an incident long ago. Now it’s just a day I have to get through.” – Cam

Embarking on this project may have been the toughest challenge of my life. I did not intend to subject myself to over 20 hours of Adam Sandler this week, but here we are. I want to preface this by saying that I like a lot of Adam Sandler movies. I do. The issue is that with every good Adam Sandler movie, there are two bad ones. This difficult task gave me many options, and whittling the list down to just ten took a lot of determination, courage, nightmares about Rob Schneider, and alcohol. Please bear with me as I reveal the definitive list of the ten worst Adam Sandler movies:

10) Just Go with It (2011)

The one where Adam Sandler tells Jennifer Aniston to pretend to be his wife so that he can hookup with a supermodel. Sexism and fat shaming are a-plenty in this fun film for the whole family!

9) The Do-Over (2016)

This Adam Sandler/David Spade action movie you never knew you needed — whereupon after watching it, you realize that you do not, in fact, need it. This movie is so unnecessarily complicated that David Spade discovering the cure for cancer, is like, the sixth most significant thing that happens.

8) You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008)

Really outrageous movie. In it, Sandler attempts to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict while simultaneously “making sticky” with dozens of old women who come into his barbershop. Despite its stupidity, I have to give Sandler some credit for trying to break his typical character mold with this suave assassin-turned-barber.

7) Pixels (2015)

Adam Sandler is unlikeable in most of his movies because he’s racist, homophobic, sexist, etc., but, in this one, his character is just unlikeable because he’s a passionless schlub with nothing endearing about him. Sandler seems to know how unfunny his one-liners are before even saying them. With an undeveloped female character and rampant misogyny, we are also fortunate enough to see a typical Sandler love story. Plus, we get one of the worst casting decisions of all time with Kevin James as the President of the United States… I guess that isn’t as ridiculous of a statement anymore, but the point still remains.

6) Grown Ups 1 and 2 (2010/2013)

Neither one of the Grown Ups “movies” is anything more than a paid vacation for Adam Sandler and his cronies. There was a certain point during the first Grown Ups — probably right in between Kevin James pissing himself in a pool full of children and a 50-year-old David Spade hooking up with Rob Schneider’s daughter — where I wondered if Adam Sandler was intentionally toying with us. Afterall, getting audiences to pay for not one, but two movies with no actual script, and just a series of scenes where five assholes prank each other, deserves some credit I suppose. The only plot point in both movies is Kevin James’ attempt to do a perfect “Burp Snart” (which is, if you didn’t know, burping, sneezing, and farting all at once).

5) The Cobbler (2014)

Once I finished this movie, I stared blankly at my reflection in my computer. I had to make sure I didn’t age 100 years, because I’m damn certain that’s how I felt after watching this 92-minute snooze fest. This movie’s cool premise about a cobbler who can transform his body into whomever’s shoes he is wearing makes it sound like a fun comedy — but this, folks, was a heavy-hitting drama. Sandler’s work here, while understated, is painfully unenjoyable, and Steve Buscemi’s attempt at a career-defining dramatic turn fails miserably.

4) Jack and Jill (2011)

At this point, we’ve covered that Adam Sandler’s characters are pretty much just the same misogynistic womanizer over and over again. But this movie introduces a completely new Sandler creation: Jill, otherwise known as the worst film character in the history of modern cinema, played by Sandler himself. She is terribly loud, amazingly obnoxious, and has cringe-worthy incestuous feelings toward her brother. Instead, though, she finds love with Al Pacino (yes, that Al Pacino, the only Al Pacino). Jill’s gruesome trip to a Mexican restaurant and ensuing trip to the bathroom is something that will haunt me forever.

3) That’s My Boy (2012)

That’s My Boy — Sandler’s foray into R-rated territory — begins with Susan Sarandon committing statutory rape with a 13-year-old Adam Sandler, and ends with the discovery that Blair Waldorf is having an affair with her younger brother. In between those two events is probably the most revolting movie I have ever watched, only saved from the bottom of this list by a couple of genuine laughs courtesy of Will Forte.

2) I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (2007)

A masterclass in homophobia disguised as something progressive, Chuck and Larry is filled with an inexcusable amount of slurring and stereotyping. The plot revolves around two straight men (a point that they repeatedly make very clear), Adam Sandler and Kevin James, who get married for … tax reasons? Honestly, I’m still not sure. I was mostly still trying to get the image of Kevin James playing with a sex doll in front of his seven-year-old daughter out of my head. The awfulness of this movie, though, can be summed up in one scene: after being released from a hospital, Adam Sandler is greeted by five Hooters’ waitresses. He then asks them, “Who wants to rub my ass bump?” — and they all jump at the opportunity.

1) The Ridiculous 6 (2015)

After about fifteen minutes — and already two instances of a horse with diarrhea — I realized that I had officially succeeded in my quest to find the worst Adam Sandler movie. After reading that Native Americans walked off the set due to blatant racism, I had low expectations — which it still failed to meet. First off, Adam Sandler plays a shape-shifting (!) cowboy, a point that is never explained. He and his five half-brothers — Terry Crews, Jorge Garcia, Taylor Lautner, Rob Schneider, and Luke Wilson – are all horrible people who do not deserve the happiness they find. Other qualms: Taylor Lautner’s performance probably puts to rest the Edward-Jacob debate, Blake Shelton keeps looking at the camera, Rob Schneider is in it, and Vanilla Ice’s depiction of Mark Twain is despicable. Wait, let me repeat that: Vanilla Ice plays Mark f*cking Twain.With Sandler signed on to continue adding to his slew of Netflix installments, I truly hope that I will never see anything as bad as this again.