Maybe it would cramp the brains of those shrewd Santa Anita strategists, but what kind of raging liability issues would stop ’em from just throwing the gates open this weekend for everyone to enjoy the county’s largest water park/slip-n-slide?

As long as they were already handing out beach towels as a promotion this weekend anyway, why not watch the kids jockey for position to be first on the backstretch side-saddle Seabiscuit inner tube ride? And premiere that new “Water Horse” movie in the Jumbotron?

And there has to be a bright side of possibly having the Sunshine Millions postponed … push up the date for the Noah’s Ark Handicap?

–How do you not Love the bad vibrations from the daft Duck supporters at The Pit, going so far as to put the cellphone number of UCLA’s top Oregon import on a posterboard – to encourage everyone this side of LakeOswego to call him with congrats on his 26-18 performance?

–Why bother trying to sort through this contumelious Clipper rift among Moe the slumlord, Larry the draft lottery GM, Curley the pencil-pushing president and the well-respected coach, when it’s common knowledge that everything could be remedied with a healthy Elton Brand and Shaun Livingston interceding? Does the team’s crack PR department realize that the only way to continue getting ink run is to keep this comical crusade going at least past the All-Star break, and before selling off Sam Cassell to the lowest bidder?

–We’re supposed to sift through this legal document from Shaquille O’Neal’s divorce case that itemizes the expenses he says he incurs each month – $23,000 for gas, $22,000 for maid service, $17,000 for clothes and $1,500 for cable – and feel sorry for a guy who pulls down a reported $2 million every 30 days and still has two more years and $40 mil left on his Heat contract that he occasionally honors? Any way some of his fiscal stimulus rebate trickles our way? Maybe we missed it, but how many votes did Shaq fall short of landing on the East All-Star team as an honorary roadie?

–The NHL can try to beat its own drumstick, but what does it say about the buzz factor of the league’s annual All-Star Game, minus an injured Sidney Crosby, when the city of Atlanta seems to have drawn more visitors and sold more hotel rooms because of the International Poultry Expo that’s also in town?

–Where do we get one of them there LaDainian Tomlinson-authorized shaded face shields for the next time we get pulled into a poker game, so the others can see us sulk when our chips are down?

–If Tom Brady’s wearing a boot, would that be a glass slipper on the foot of Eli Manning?

–If fretting USC football fans are concerned that the new UCLA offensive coordinator knows all the stuff on Steve Sarkisian’s plastic-coated playsheet, doesn’t it stand to reason that the Trojans’ defensive coordinator (as well as their head coach) must also know pretty much everything that’s in Norm Chow’s three-ring binder, and his tendencies to use certain plays in particular situations?

–Got a few extra tix for Sunday’s Kobe-LeBron game? Or must we go through “StubHub” Mayo for the usual hookup?

Tom Hoffarth is a freelancer. He had been with the Daily News/Southern California News Group since 1992 as a general assignment sports reporter, columnist and specialist in the sports media. He has been honored by the Associated Press for sports columnists and honored by the Southern California Sports Broadcasters Association for his career work. His favorite sportscaster of all time: Vin Scully, for professional and personal reasons. He considers watching Zenyatta win the Breeders' Cup 2009 Classic to be the most memorable sporting event he has covered in his career. Go figure that.