Tuesday, December 6, 2011

So so sorry I have not been posting...like at all, on here. I really want to try to keep up on this more.

Is everyone ready for Christmas!? I can't believe its 19 days away!! I love this time of year. Although I have to say, I am so not a fan of these colored LED lights. They are so dark, and look like they are under a black light. Sooo many people have them now also (no offense if your one of them lol!) But personally, they don't look like Christmas to me at all. I will say though, I would rather someone have LED lights than none at all. :) But anyway, we have been all decorated for a few weeks now. Christmas seems to FLY by so pretty much a couple weeks after Halloween its Christmas time at our house.

This was my first year cooking Thanksgiving dinner! I had helped my mom a few years ago, but this year I was all on my own. I am happy to say it went off without ONE hitch. Everything turned out perfect! I was so relieved. We just had my parents over, and then went to my in laws that evening. It was a nice day.

Mid November was the midnight release of Breaking Dawn. Most of you probably know I'm a huge Twilight fan and not ashamed one bit about it :) A friend of mine rents out a screen in our local theater and sells the tickets privately to friends and friends of friends so we don't have to deal with the screaming crowds, and that was great. I had given a small Twilight novel wreath as a raffle prize which was fun, I got a lot of compliments on the wreath which was nice.

Late November Louie and I spent a few days in Monterey. We loved it, as usual. Its our favorite vacation spot. Unfortunately the hotel we stayed in was horrendous, and it did rain a little BUT, overall we had a great time.

Probably the biggest change to report on is my husband and I have decided to become vegetarian. I have ALWAYS wanted to, but it seemed to imitating to me. A friend of mine who is vegan sent me a speech that for whatever reason just made me have an epiphany. After sobbing my face off for a good hour while watching the speech I decided enough was enough and I was going to do this. My husband watched it later that evening, and he didn't sob like I did lol, BUT, he got extremely angry and he decided he wanted to do this as well. Basically, to summarize why we are doing this (because there is multiple reasons) is that the satisfaction my taste buds receive from the taste of meat is NOT worth the absolute suffering and horrible living conditions these innocent animals go through. Plain and simple. Like I said, there is multiple reasons behind this, but thats what I have been telling friends and family. Its interesting though how DEFENSIVE people get as soon as you tell them your vegetarian. And how absurd it is to them. I dont understand it at all. Ive never been so happy though, and we are eating SO much healthier now. Plus, so far it seems to be cheaper. Which is always nice. :) I absolutely recommend watching this speech, not trying to convert anyone, but if your willing to eat meat and dairy you should at least be willing to know the truth behind it. Just my opinion. :)

So all in all, thats pretty much been what has been going on! Loving living at the ranch and riding my horse quite a bit. Work has been great for Louie. I've been getting some orders for more wreaths too which is also super great.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

At the old house, we were living essentially in a mountain, full of critters and all kinds of bugs. So when I decided I wanted to try to grow some vegetables and fruits, I knew I would have to do it on my patio where most of the critters and bugs couldn't get to them. Unfortunately, did they didn't do that great, and because they were in pots, they couldn't grow to their full potential. So I ended up giving up on them. Now, at the new house we have a side area next to the house and the fence that would be perfect for a garden! I make a homemade pasta sauce and I had never tried using FRESH Roma tomato's instead of canned crushed tomatoes. This pasta week I tried it with some I bought from the store and it made such a difference to us. I also, like I've said in a past blog, want to start canning, and that calls for using fresh tomato's for the sauce so I pretty much did a small trial run and we loved it. So I decided to plant two Roma tomato plants, and two bell pepper plants. One green, and one yellow. Other than the plants its just all dirt back there. But I have plans to put some grass, and flowers back there, once I can tell that the plants will prosper. If they do well, I also want to plant some additional veggies/fruits and then we will start putting grass and make it more pretty over there. I hope they do well!

I – Instruments you play(ed): None, but I have a piano and would love to teach myself. :)

J – Junk Food: Hmm...frozen burritos from costco. they.are.so.good.

K – Kids: Just my furbabies. We are workin' on it though! Just have some speed bumps we are hurtling through.

L – Live: In a house. In America. :)

M – Mom’s name: Marla

N – Nicknames: I don't really have one.

O – Overnight hospital stays: None over nights. ::knock on wood::

P – Pet peeves: When people say "seen" instead of saw.

Q – Quote from a movie: Oh theres so many. First one that came to mind is "No ones here but us chickennnnns!!!!" NO ONE WILL EVER GUESS IT! Except my best friend. I swear. If you can, you will win my...friendship for life :)

R – Righty or lefty: Righty

S – Siblings: 2 sisters and a brother.

T – Time you wake up: 7:00 every morning. Gotta feed those horsies!

U – Underwear: um, yes

V – Vegetables you don’t like: mushrooms. yuck.

W – What makes you run late: My dang husband. I am never late. Usually...

X – X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, arm when I broke it in 5th grade.

Y – Yummy food you make: I tend to think most of what I make is yummy. Otherwise I wouldn't make it! :) But my mac and cheese is always a hit.

Z – Zoo animal favorites: Hm, I don't go to zoos very often, but I guess I would say...the bears. Their cool. :)

Friday, August 26, 2011

Well, I am now writing to you as an official 24 year old. :) Couple days ago it was my birthday, and strangely enough it was the FIRST day in almost 2 weeks I didn't get sick during the day AND even went out to lunch! That morning my Dad brought me a sprinkled doughnut, which was nice, and told me if I was feeling up to it he would take me to my favorite little mexican place by our house for lunch. So we went and I didn't get sick the whole day. Thank goodness! Unfortunately I got a little too cocky and ate a little too much that night (even though it was hardly anything, it was more than my stomach was used to) and I ended up not feeling well that night, it was my own fault.

Yesterday I hung out with one of my best friends Heather, and my friend Brittney who I hadn't seen in YEARS and her 2 year old little boy Atom. We had a great day, we went back to that little mexican place for lunch, and came back to my house for a couple hours and hung out. Atom had never seen a horse in person, so he had plenty to see in my backyard. Unfortunately, he was a little scared, every time the horse would look at him he would say "no mama!" It was pretty cute. So we drove around on our little John Deer cart, and he got a kick out of that. Later that night once Louie got off work we went to this Sushi restaurant, and it was really good! It was really nice to be able to just hang out with friends on a whim again. Before living an hour away, it was an ordeal to plan and drive somewhere, and it didn't happen very often. It was nice.

In regards to the homesick feeling I was having, it is slowly fading away. I knew it would. It just takes time. I think now that I'm feeling better, seeing friends, and the house is getting together more, I'm starting to feel more myself and happier in general. I'm definitely happy about that.

For my birthday my husband got me two things, one was something I had no idea he was getting...when I was little my mom used to collect Precious Moments for me, and we are big big Disney/Disneyland people and I noticed that Disney has a Precious Moments collection. I've always wanted to get them for our child one day. So my husband saw they had some at Hallmark apparently and wanted to get one to start the collection. He bought me the little snow white on a rocking horse. Its adorable.

The other thing he bought me, is what I asked for. I have been REALLY researching and watching a ton of youtube videos on water-bath canning foods. I originally started to look into this because I wanted to make a large batch of my marinara and have a ton on hand. So I started researching and seeing how to do it, what supplies I would need, and I realized I really wanted to do it. So he bought me a set that came with the large pot, and all the utensils I need. I am very excited, I also want to try to make some jams, salsas, and pie fillings. I figure they would be great gifts too.

Saturday is my family birthday get together. It is supposed to be OVER 100 degrees here tomorrow though, and originally I wanted my dad to BBQ, but, I changed my mind lol. So we will be going out to lunch. I am excited about that. Then Wednesday I'm going to my best friend Amandas house, who happens to only live a street over, and her boyfriend who is the king of BBQing I have decided, so I'm really excited to that also.

So things are looking up. I'm so thankful I'm finally feeling better, now I just need to get my craft room/office put together so I can start doing my crafts again! :)﻿

Thursday, August 18, 2011

So its been about 5 days since we've been in the new house and that I have been learning the ropes of being the "farm manager". Its been an adjustment to say the least, but, I think I'm catching on pretty quickly. Its not difficult, just dirty, and time consuming. lol. The dirty part is the part I'm having to get used to the most. I have hay everywhere. Seriously. I have never sneezed so much in my life either! First day feeding at night with my dad, we were in the feed room, and he was showing me how to do it all, and I gasped to sneeze and as I breathed in before the sneeze I sucked in a FLY! Yes, a LIVE FLY! It got stuck in my throat. I was sucking down water, trying to throw it up so bad. Oh gosh, it was disgusting!! But, hilarious none the less. My dad had no idea what the heck was wrong with me! lol!

Still feeling pretty sick. If I don't feel better soon I'm going to have to make a doctors appointment. I've hardly eaten in like, 4 days. Its not good. Last night I tried to eat chicken noodle soup and toast, and all I could eat were the veggies out of the soup, and the toast. The rest I couldn't stomach. But I was STARVING. lol. I was watching TV so angry because it seemed like in everything I was watching people were eating the most delicious looking food and I was so jealous lol! I can't wait to eat. BUT, with being sick I've lost a few pounds, that's a plus right? lol. Anyway, the point of this blog, is to say that I am adjusting, slowly but surely.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

So as of a couple days ago we are officially living in the new house. Funny, I say new, but its the house I grew up in for half my life. Since before we moved I have been SO sick. Perfect timing right? Pretty much a constant stomach ache, throwing up, the whole sha-bang. I don't know why or how to make it go away. Add on top of that, its so odd, I am completely homesick. Like, BIG time. I never thought I would feel this way. Prior to being here I was so excited. Not that the reasons I was excited aren't there anymore because they are, I guess my life has just changed drastically overnight, and with the 100 degree weather in California and feeling sick, I am overwhelmed. Yesterday after feeding the horses, I just started balling in the feed room, I pulled myself together and as my parents were leaving they asked me what was wrong and I lost it again, pulled myself together again, called my husband, and lost it yet again! Maybe a big cry (or multiple cries for that matter) is what I needed. I'm feeling a bit better than the house is getting more in order. For a couple days it was just boxes everywhere you stepped (we went from 2700 sqft to about 1500 sqft) but now that most are unpacked (thanks to mom and dad for helping) I'm feeling less overwhelmed. I'm sure that once a couple weeks goes by, we finish the house, and I get used to my new routine as "farm manager" I will feel like this is home.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

So the past week or so we have been packing every day. My house is a DISASTER!! Definitely can't wait to get to the new house to decorate and get everything in its place again. Oh and decorate, did I mention decorating? So excited! :)

In other EXCITING news for me, I opened an Etsy store!!! I recently did a post with a couple little crafts I had made, and I had gotten a few people asking me to make one for them and that they would pay for it...I had to keep asking, "you really want to PAY me?" I couldn't believe it! So I figured to make it easier for them to order and for me to keep track of orders, I would make an Etsy store! I also ordered some business cards off Vista Print (They are so cute, I will definitely show you them once they come in the mail) that I can put with the orders. I already have 4 orders and I am just blown away! I truly have amazing friends.

Thats another reason why I am so excited to get to the new house, so I can focus on getting them done asap along with making more ready to buy wreaths to add to the store and get my new craft room set up.

Its very exciting, especially as a stay at home wife (and hopefully mother in the future) it would be fantastic to bring in a little bit on side money, and to do it by doing something I love? You can't get any better than that!

Friday, July 22, 2011

I love that song by Miranda Lambert, and thought the title was pretty fitting for this blog entry. Since I hadn't updated in a while I decided I should since we recently found out we we're moving! Going from one house that built me... to another.

Currently, we live in my Grandmothers home. We moved in 3 years ago after she passed away. Always knowing eventually the house would be sold. Well, that time has come to put it on the market. Kind of at a perfect time as well. My parents rent out their ranch (a horse boarding facility) since a year ago they bought a new house when they decided that since my Dad retired they want to be able to have the option to go somewhere on a whim and not have to worry about feeding the horses kind of thing. Well, the lady who has been there...lets just say it didn't work out. So, we are moving in to take her place. Funny thing is its the house I grew up in for almost 10 years. So I am moving from a house full of memories, to another one full of memories. Its bittersweet really. I absolutely love my home. We are nestled between so so many trees and its so peaceful. Honestly, the trees I think are what I am going to miss the most. The yard is very difficult upkeep for just my husband though (especially since we live on a hill) so he is definitely looking forward to having a normal sized, FLAT land to maintain. Only really downside to the move is the commute my husband will have to take, since he works about 45 miles away from the house. Mix 45 miles and the southern california freeways together and you have a total disaster on your hands! I would never see him with how long he would be on the road practically! Luckily though, we have a metrolink and he will be taking that, which is about a 45 minute train ride to get to work. Not too bad. It will be a little more monthly for the pass than we pay in gas now but not as much as we would be paying in gas if he didn't take the train! Another plus is my best friend literally will live a street away from me. Not to mention my parents will be 3 minutes away, I will probably see them every day anyway since they are always at the ranch, and our other friends are pretty much all less than 10 minutes away. So overall its going to be great. Plus it has a fenced secure yard that our dog Chloe will be able to use. Here, we live in a mountain essentially and have no fence, especially with the ton of coyotes that live in the area its not the safest environment for a dog, let alone a 8 pound one! She loves being outside so she will pretty much be in heaven! I am also SO looking forward to being around the horses again. The past year or two I have really missed it. Unfortunately my horse passed away a few years ago but I have plenty in the backyard to love on when I want to! Its definitely not the same as having your OWN horse but oh well.

Overall I think its going to be a great thing for us. We move in I'm assuming mid august (maybe 3ish weeks from now). The lady currently living there should be moved out by the end of the month, and then we just have to clean the place up and can move in! I am trying to get everything packed now so it can hopefully be one weekend of moving and have everything go smoothly. Since we live about 45 minutes away I don't want to be driving back and forth very much. BUT, its pretty much a rule that moving never goes smoothly, so we'll see how it goes!

Friday, July 8, 2011

So today I gained hope. Something I didn't think I would say two weeks ago.

Today I had an appointment with my obgyn. I never got to see her while being pregnant so I had no idea how it would go.

I was thankful that my husband was able to take me, I knew it would be a hard appointment. We got to the office, and waited in the waiting room for about 45 minutes which was the worst part. It was absolute torture sitting in a room surrounded by pregnant women waiting to see their babies, and hear their heart beats, while I was sitting there because I lost my baby.

Finally, we got in and the doctor told me that there was no need to do a blood test to make sure my levels were normal because at the ER they were already only a 3. And just a couple days beforehand when I got my blood drawn at the family doctors office, my levels were only a 16. Not good at all. So she did an exam and said things looked to be back to normal. And as difficult as it is 20% of all first time pregnancies end in miscarriage. Sometimes theres no way to know why. I came in with a list to things I wanted to see if I could get tested for, since I thought we would still be doing a blood test but she said that they normally do not test for issues like that until after my second miscarriage in a row. I explained my story to her and she seemed optimistic that we would conceive and bring a baby to term. She did say a culprit could have been my elevated thyroid levels. I tend to think that is why I lost the baby as well. Part of me hopes that's the case simply because it is now getting under control since I have my medication back again. So if it was the issue, it shouldn't be an issue again. She said we could try to conceive as soon as I get my next menstrual which could take 4-6 weeks, and when I get the confirmation the my thyroid levels are normal again.

It was so strange that prior to the appointment I was bound and determined we would not try again for months. Yet, hearing her optimism, and hearing my body was back to normal gave me hope I didn't expect to gain. It gave hope to my husband as well. As soon as we were leaving the room, he told me "As soon as you feel your up to trying again, I want to as soon as possible". I can't say how nice it is to know and hear him talk about how badly he wants to be a father the way I want to be a mother. And to know we are on the same page. It was funny because I was thinking the same thing. I never expected to walk out of there today and wanting to try again as soon as we could.

So now we wait. August 4 is when I go back to my family doctor to have them draw more blood to make sure the dosage of my thyroid medication is what I need to be taking, and that will be my 6th week after the miscarriage. So, if my period hasn't come by that point hopefully it will very soon and then we can continue this crazy journey of finally becoming parents.

Thank you to all the prayers, thoughts, and bible verses you all have sent me. I'm pretty blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

I wanted to share a couple crafts I have done recently with you. Unfortunately all I have are crappy iphone pictures, BUT thats ok.

The first one I did was for my best friend. She recently moved into a new house, so I wanted to make her a little housewarming gift. She is a huge Harry Potter fan, so I decided to make her a Novel wreath, and used the entire Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire to make it. Took QUITE awhile, but I really love the way it turned out.

﻿

Another craft I made was a button bouquet. I wanted to make one to put on the shelf that holds all my buttons for my craft room. I think its totally cute, and love the way it turned out. Only took probably about an hour to make.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Time will heal, I just keep telling myself that these days. Physically I am feeling much better, but emotionally, I go back and forth. I start to think that I am feeling more like myself and accepting what happened, and then I see someone that's pregnant, or I notice the baby books on my dining room table that have sat there since before I started bleeding, or like last night, I have a dream that I am still pregnant. Then I wake up into this harsh reality.

I have so many fears. Fears that my body will never allow me to become a mother and to bring a precious child into this life. At this moment in time, I feel that if I suffered another loss it would absolutely break me. Of course, this is still fresh and new, and I still have these raw emotions but its still frightening.

Every time I start to feel somewhat happy, or at least normal, I instantly feel guilty. I lost a child, and I feel as if I shouldn't be laughing at anything right now. Of course I know that is not true. But with happiness, my brain instantly reminds me of the sadness.

Hearing someone talk about their pregnancy or their baby just kills me right now. I get so angry and sad. Thinking why I wasn't allowed to keep my baby? Why did my child have to be ripped away from me? I see this 16 and Pregnant show and Teen Mom and I wonder why these girls were able to get pregnant and keep their babies and I'm not?

I have friends who are pregnant right now, and don't get me wrong, I am elated for them. It just hurts. Hurts that for such a short time, I was pregnant too, I had dreams, and imagined my little child going camping and fishing with their grandpa and grandma to the same campground they took me too, I pictured us taking them to Disneyland and buying them their first mickey ears and just seeing the excitement in their eyes as they saw how magical everything was, Christmas mornings drinking egg nog and seeing that the cookies we baked the night before were nibbled on by Santa. It kills me those dreams were ripped away from me. I pray that one day we get to experience those dreams, but at this point in time, right this second, I have no faith in my body. I honestly feel that theres a chance that will never happen for us.

But, again, I have to keep telling myself time will heal. I have to keep telling myself that the Lord will make us parents, someday. I have to believe in that. Even if its hard right now.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Its horrible to even imagine, as I was writing my last blog I was in the process of loosing my baby. I think part of me knew it though. From the start I felt in my bones something wasn't right. All my doctors literally shrugged me off, and didn't listen to my concerns. Could it have been prevented? Probably not. But it would have been nice to be listened to and taken seriously.

Saturday morning I woke up at 2:30 in the morning with horrible pain, loosing a lot of blood and felt like I was going to pass out. My husband rushed me to the ER and our fears were confirmed after blood tests and ultrasounds... We had lost our child.

I am in a very bad place emotionally, as well as physically. We desperately wanted this child, and to have it ripped away from us, terrifies me to ever try this again. I want to be a mother with every FIBER of my being, but this experience has scared me more than I could have ever imagined. I know time will heal. But getting to that place of peace again is what's so hard.

Thank you to everyone for being so supportive, and thank you to my husband for being so great to me.

Friday, June 24, 2011

I cannot believe, that just a couple weeks ago as I wrote the blog on my thoughts of becoming a mother and my struggles that it would in fact be the month that my husband and I conceived. I am still in complete shock and disbelief.

Friday, June 17, I took a pregnancy test and I swore it was negative. I thought I was seeing things and there may have been a second line, but it was THAT faint that I assumed I was seeing things. Little did I know, my eyes were not playing tricks on me. Since the beginning of that week I had been having cramping. I assumed meaning my period was starting. But they usually never last longer than a day or two. I just figured my body yet again was doing something weird.

Then we go on our Queen Mary trip from the contest we won, it was a great weekend. More on that in maybe another blog :)

So then by Tuesday, June 21, my period still hadn't come, and Louie told me I should test. I overslept big time that morning, and I didn't know why. So I reluctantly went in to take the test. I was sure it was a negative, as it usually is, and it never gets any easier to see "negative". So I took the test, and it takes at least 5 minutes for the results. I set my timer, and did some things around the house until it went off. I went into the bathroom and almost fainted. There was a second line. A faint, but obvious second line.

I immediately RAN out of the house and drove to rite aid to get a digital test. There is something about just seeing the word rather than the line that makes it more real.

I come home and immediately take the digital test. And up comes the word. The most beautiful word in the English language. Pregnant.

I am pregnant. PREGNANT! I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant the whole time I thought that I wasn't! I was and still am in utter disbelief. After so many years of wishing and wanting this, it was real.

I always wanted to be the person who surprises their loved ones in person by cute little ways, but I am too impatient for that. Pretty much everyone I knew, found out by by 4pm. I know the "norm" is to wait a while before telling people, until your in the "safe zone" but I have waited so long for this I wanted to scream it from the rooftops! We recently switched insurances with Louies new job so I had to pick new doctors. I scheduled my appointments with my obgyn, but couldn't get in to see her until July 15 with as early as I am. That seems like a lifetime away. So I made an appt with a family doctor to see if she would check my hcg levels. That was yesterday. After my appointment I needed to go grocery shopping and then to costco. I noticed throughout the day I was spotting brown blood a little. Then at costco I just wanted to sit down, I just didn't feel right, so I listened to my body and came straight home instead of running a few other errands. Later that night I noticed some red blood, not bright but red none the less. There is NOTHING scarier than seeing blood. I continued to spot that night a little but thankfully no more red. I still panicked. I went in laid in bed and just cried. I desperately want this child, I already love them so much. I've loved them since before I was even pregnant. To think of loosing them is too much to bear. Louie came in and we talked, and he told me he was now my doctor and ordering me to be on bed rest. That he would take care of cooking, cleaning, and me for a few days. I love him.

So far today I still have had some brown spotting but not too much. I truly understand spotting can be harmless in pregnancy, but it still scares me. Ive still been taking pregnancy tests every day to try and see the lines get darker, which they were, until today. Today's line was as light as about the first test I took on the 21st when I found out I was pregnant. I hope that's not a bad sign. The nurse called earlier today to confirm my pregnancy but that my hcg levels were not in yet. I should find out by next week since its the weekend. I have been so scared with just the week I have known I'm pregnant, and I just want some sort of confirmation that my baby is ok, and that they are getting as snuggled up as they can be inside me and will grow. Until then, I don't think I will be able to relax completely. The spotting seems to come and go, I'll have some, then I won't, so I hope that its harmless, and my cramping has been going away little by little as well.

I've waited so long for this pregnancy I hope that everything is ok. I find myself too afraid to get too excited. I really would love to start writing in a pregnancy journal or buy a couple baby outfits to celebrate (not that I don't already have two bags FULL of baby outfits I've gotten over the years lol) but I just cant bring myself to do it yet. I am too terrified that I would start writing in the journal and not get to finish it. I know I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts, and BELIEVE ME, I don't want to. Granted, its still new, I've only known for 4 days. I'm sure as time goes on and everything looks good I won't feel this way anymore.

If you pray, please pray for me and our little bean. I am due (as of right now since its still too soon to see the baby on an ultrasound) February 16, 2012. :)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Threw this together tonight and it turned out really, really yummy. I didn't take pictures since I hadn't tried it yet, but there really aren't that many steps anyway so I thought I would share. I used sausage for this but you could definitely use ground beef or turkey as well.

*1 28 oz can crushed tomatoes (my tomatoes come whole, peeled and with basil then I puree them)
*3-5 gloves of garlic minced
*1 pound sausage, casings removed (I used no anise sausage I get from our little Italian market, but use whatever your favorite sausage is, or use beef/turkey if you prefer)
*half an onion diced (Optional)
*half tablespoon sugar
*salt and pepper to taste

In a large pan, brown the meat and onions. Once browned (doesn't need to be fully cooked) add it to your crock pot.

Pour in tomato's, and add the spices and garlic. Stir together.

Cook on low for about 4-6 hours. My crock pot cooks very fast, so just keep an eye on it.

Serve over pasta! Top with Parmesan, or even a dollop of ricotta cheese. Very very simple and easy!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Don't you hate when you have the most vivid dream and you wake up and for a good few seconds you can't determine if it really happened or not? That happened to me two nights ago, and it STILL is very fresh in my mind.

In my dream, I woke up and took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I broke down crying, and was so happy. That day we apparently were going to my parents house I don't know what for, but it was at their old house and I remember sitting at the dining room table and my parents made a joke about me not being pregnant which really hurt, and under my breath I said "Well I am" and I remember my husband nudging me saying to hush or something. Then we needed to go to Rite Aid, and I decided to sneak off and get a digital test to just confirm I wasn't seeing things and my mom caught me buying the test. I remember caving and telling them then (What a memory, finding out in Rite Aid of all places lol!) though I don't remember their reaction. Then I remember texting a bunch of friends that live in the area still to see if they were home so we could go tell them the news in person, and thats when I woke up.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Many of you may not know that I have been married for just about six years, and throughout those six years I have desperately wanted to be a mother. My husband and I have left it into God's hands, and we assumed in time we would conceive. But, we haven't. So we have stepped it up and I have started tracking ovulation, temping, charting, taking different supplements that are supposed to help you conceive etc etc. Well, that's been a few months so far and still nothing. I'm not loosing hope though. I do believe with my whole heart we will be parents. One way or another. Some people just don't understand the absolute hole I have in my heart. A hole that can ONLY be filled by having a beautiful bouncing baby. Some might say "oh your young" or "oh babysit my kid for a weekend and you'll lose that baby fever". They do not understand that just stabs me in the heart a little more. No, I don't want to "babysit" your child. I want to become a MOTHER, something YOU have. Something many many women take for granted. The amount of complaints I hear or read on facebook from friends who are parents astound me. I can't wait for the morning sickness, the huge belly, the sleepless nights...I want it all, and I will appreciate and feel blessed with it all. So yesterday I was watching the Casey Anthony trial (which I have been completely engrossed in) and after the trial ended that show Cops came on. I was doing something and heard this woman, obviously on drugs or drunk getting arrested for prostitution and she was telling the police officer about her kids at home. I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself, and just upset in general. Why is it women like that can get pregnant over and over, and I can't? Do I have infertility? I don't know. But the thought of that scares me to death. And a friend who has gone through infertility who has a BEAUTIFUL daughter she has adopted sent me this little note, and it completely made me cry. It encompasses how I feel and is exactly what I needed to hear. I will not loose faith. I know one day I will be a mother, and be the best mother I possibly can be and relish in ALL of it, the good and the bad. Soak in every smile, every cry, and I will love my child with every single ounce in my body.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Thank you Jodi for sending this to me. You are an inspiration to me, and a wonderful mother.

Combine onion, beans, tomato sauce, corn, diced tomatoes, taco seasoning and spices in crock pot. Once combines set chicken on top. I also sprinkled the chicken with a little pepper and chilli powder.

Cook on high for 5-6 hours, or on low for about 10 hours. Every crock pot is different, mine cooks fast, so if something says 6 hours, mine might only take 4-5. So just keep an eye on it. Once its done cooking, shred chicken and add it back to the crock pot and combine.

Taste the chilli and add salt if needed. Serve, and top with desired toppings! Enjoy!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

So lately my life has consisted of school, reading, and painting our downstairs room.

So I'll start with that. We are making a room we weren't using downstairs into a craft room for me. I can't WAIT. It's painted, its just in the process of getting set up right now. My Grandmother used to use it as her craft room also, but since shes been gone, its kind of been used as a storage room. Last summer when my parents bought a new house they took pretty much everything out of there since they had the space for the items, and I was left with an empty room. I have been making a lot of little crafts lately, so I figured I would make use of the room and have it be a room specifically for crafts! Its coming along quite nicely. I would LOVE to have a super nice vintage craft room, but that will have to come little by little over time.

I have been reading quite a bit lately also. Reading Water for Elephants a couple weeks ago really sparked my love for reading again. Since then I have read:

MockingjayMockingjay is the final book in the Hunger Games trilogy. I really enjoyed this book, minus a few things. For one, I really wanted to fast forward all the "war" parts. I found myself really only caring about the love triangle. I could care less about the rest. Without spoilers, all I will say is I am completely 100% happy with the end and who she ended up with. Its exactly what I wanted, and I definitely shed a tear at the end. :)

LingerThe second book in the Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy. I love these books so much. I think its mostly for Sam. But its one of the very few books where I didn't find the main girl to be annoying hardly at all. Which is rare for me. I love love love this book goes back and forth between characters also. And most of all I just love and adore Sam. Plain and simple. I think I mostly read the book for him. I can't wait to see how it ends.

Where She WentThis is the sequel to the book, If I Stay, which I LOVED. I really enjoyed this book as well and I read it very fast, BUT, I found myself getting tired of hearing about Adam's music career. I felt like I was reading a book simply about his band some of the time. Overall, I did really enjoy the book, and am very happy with how it turned out.

And now I am reading, Dead ReckoningI am almost half way through this book right now. This is one of my favorite series. Not to mention True Blood is one of my all time favorite shows. I am most excited about the upcoming fourth season because the fourth book was my favorite book so far out of the series.