The Calendar of Postiness

Celebrating the Fourth of July with Muslim Footstools and Piccolo Petes

July 2, 2008 — The Luigiian

(Seriously, support our “coutry”. It’s a great “privilage”. Don’t be an asshole. Video supplied by “raatikainen22”.)

Perhaps in some countries they celebrate a holiday like the Fourth of July. Perhaps Mexicans have the Cinco de Mayo. And maybe the French have Bastille Day, sure. But there is no holiday like the Fourth of July. Very few holidays exist solely for the purpose of blowing shit up.

OK, sure, so the Fourth of July is technically supposed to be about celebrating America’s independence from the British. We had a damn good reason to get away from Britain. First, the British have dental problems. This is not funny because it is true.

Second of all, the British like to start massive wars and then blame them on their colonies. For example, say you’re trying to figure out why the hell Iraq is made up of various people that don’t interact with one another in any meaningful way except via hand grenade, or why Iranians hate everybody. These things can all be blamed on British people, and the Ottomans, who were Muslim footstools that took over the entire Middle East until 1921. For example, Iraq got settled by the British after World War I because the British thought that the Iraqis were dirty savages who couldn’t take control of their own affairs. This gave the British the right to take over their entire culture and ruin their lives by putting all kinds of different groups in the Middle East into one “nation-state” they referred to as “Iraq”, apparently because they felt that “Land of Savage Sand People” was too long to say in normal conversation. They did the same thing with Iran, excepting that instead of having a “mandate” to civilize Iranian culture, they just took all their oil and pissed them off. So, one could argue that the state of the Middle East is partially–if mostly–to blame on the British. But, of course, it is the Americans that did this, according to Britain anyway, because, like I already said, Britain blames everything on its former colonies. Hell, by tomorrow I’ll bet they’ll start blaming the lead paint in Chinese stuff on Hong Kong.

(Note: If you are British and believe that I am an unfunny idiotic douche who doesn’t know what he’s talking about, please send me hate mail at Luigirepublic@aol.com. I find it most entertaining.)

Anyway, so America had a damn good reason to leave Britain. Fledgling America, in an intense desire to “spread its wings” and “fly away” and “smack straight into the same old vat of shit Britain got itself into”, wanted to invade Iran and Iraq too. Just like old Mama Britain, except this time less racist and infinitely dumber.

The purpose of this post, however, is not to lambaste all the great things America has done for the world, writing pretentious anti-war messages as I go (such as NO LAND WARS IN ASIA YOU STUPID CONSERVATIVE HONKIES). This post is to talk about blowing shit up. Using explosives to fill the air with glowing embers and toxic chemicals is something America does best, as Iraq knows very well by now. And now I want to show you, as a typical white-trash American conservative, about how you, too, can blow shit up. And don’t worry: You don’t even need a gun permit to get fireworks. You can also leave your Klan uniform at home.

Step 1: Buy fireworks in huge boxes covered in American flags with names like “Freedom Fighter Explosives” and “Black Cat” and “FUCK IT LET’S KILL SOME NEIGHBORS.” These types of fireworks are generally bought by women at the supermarket so they can feel like good parents. They almost always include the following:

Cardboard tanks

Fountains with names like “Egyptian Bathing Princess”.

Fountains with names like “FREEDOM KILLERS”.

Sparklers, which can be used to set things on fire.

Little white bags filled with sand that nobody likes.

“Piccolo Petes”, which are obnoxiously loud but cause no major damage unless you use them properly.

Step 2: Buy bottle rockets, you big pussy. There is no better way to show off your retarded inner-American then by buying something that can be guaranteed to blow children’s fingers off or set your neighbor’s roof on fire. These are best accompanied by a handgun, which you fire off into the air like a moron so that all your neighbors know how much you care about our country. They can then call the authorities to express their gratitude.

Step 3: No All-American party is complete without at least three cases of liquor, steaks, ribs, other assorted meats, potato salad, and a big cake decorated to look like an American flag made out of cake. These are to ensure that by the time you get around to setting off your death candles, you’ll be drunk as a skunk and ready to celebrate your fat American ass off.

Step 4: Light your fireworks by putting your face right above them so if they malfunction you blow your face off. Almost every stupid person I’ve ever seen light a firework lights it via this time-tested method. I have no idea why. I always stand back a couple feet. To each his own.

Don’t forget to light a Black Cat next to your eardrum, so that you’ll lose your hearing for a week and cause permanent damage. Lighting a firecracker in your hand is a great way to blow your hands off. Don’t worry, you’ll probably make more off the lawsuit than you’d make actually using your hands anyway, considering how much of a moron you’d have to be to hold a lit firecracker.

(Also: Don’t worry if you accidentally grab a real black cat and light it on fire next to your ear. It will have the same effect, except that it will also claw your face off.)

Step 5: Shoot off the gun some more at twelve O’clock for no apparent reason. When the bullet comes down, you can be sure it won’t be your dumb ass that gets a slug of lead through his thick skull.

The rest of your extra-special Fourth of July should be obvious. For example, when little Billy gets bitten by a venomous snake or garden hose, you should take him to a hospital, while shooting your gun up into the air to call attention to law enforcement officials that you have driven your child to the hospital while drunk and wearing only your beer-stained undergarments. Extra points if the snake turns out to be the kind you get in the fireworks box that starts out as a little tablet and grows into this long ashy black thing. You will know it because the box it comes in will have ludicrous pictures of cobras on the outside with names like “FLASHING BLACK COBRA OF DEATH”.

That’s it for this year. I hope your Fourth of July can be as fun as you can make it while at Guantanamo Bay. Don’t keep Bubba waiting. He’s from Iran.