OJAI, CA—Finally getting a chance to try her hand at “storytelling from the other side of the camera,” a local monarch butterfly reportedly made her directorial debut Monday on the PBS documentary series ‘Nature.’

LOS ANGELES—Asserting that he would never venture into the world of prestige film and television, actor Kevin James announced Monday that he is not considering a late-career shift towards more dramatic roles.

NEW YORK—Demonstrating their callous indifference to human suffering, the cruel broadcast gods ripped away CBS’ bonus coverage of Sunday’s game between the Raiders and Titans, sources confirmed this afternoon.

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

LOS ANGELES—Calling it one of the most challenging aspects of creating the beloved family comedy, producers of 1998’s ‘The Parent Trap’ recalled Wednesday the harrowing experience of euthanizing their Lindsay Lohan clone after the completion of filming.

NEW YORK—Causing hundreds of thousands of television sets to go black and silent across the nation, Food Network reportedly went off the air Tuesday evening after exhausting every possible combination of ingredients.

NEW YORK—Claiming it would be a momentous experience for any ‘Game of Thrones’ fan, a never-ending cascade of subhuman bullshit reported Friday that there was a new map that would change the way you see Westeros.

NEW YORK—In a dramatic break from the singer’s past incarnations, including her more aggressive recent image, Taylor Swift unveiled an even darker persona Friday with the release of her new single, “Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend.”

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—Discussing the hit HBO fantasy drama with reporters ahead of this weekend’s season finale, ‘Game Of Thrones’ producers revealed Thursday that the series had moved beyond the show’s written script halfway through the current season.

A Troubled Sheen

After an all-night drug and sex party resulted in a trip to the emergency room, troubled actor Charlie Sheen announced that he would undergo rehab at home so he could continue shooting Two And A Half Men. Here is a timeline of other incidents that led him to this point:

1980: Befriends Rob and Chad Lowe

1986: Stars in Platoon and begins lifelong practice of smoking hash out of an M-16 rifle barrel

1991: In a missed sign that something might be wrong, an especially frenetic Sheen films all of his scenes for Hot Shots! in one night

1995–1998: Sheen accepts a series of roles indicative of someone whose judgment has been severely impaired

2003–2010: Sheen somehow wears cargo shorts for the better part of a decade without anyone even once checking the pockets

2006: Becomes advocate for 9/11 truth movement and is forced to take more and more drugs to keep up with those weirdos

2007: Realizes he hates self

2009: A physically exhausted Sheen turns to stimulants to cope with the grueling number of double takes and eyebrow raises required for his role in Two And A Half Men

2010: CBS implores Sheen to keep doing whatever the hell he wants, but with at least the tiniest goddamn bit of discretion

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NEW YORK—Demonstrating their callous indifference to human suffering, the cruel broadcast gods ripped away CBS’ bonus coverage of Sunday’s game between the Raiders and Titans, sources confirmed this afternoon.

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.