"This is the aforementioned Sandflier. As if you couldn't work that out -- it FLIES over SAND, see? I think Capcom kept the name simple to avoid confusing their pre-pubescent fanbase (a policy which is pretty much abandoned by the end of the game)."
-Ben,
Breath of Fire IV Part 1

Posts Tagged ‘pokémon’

Guys, we may as well close up shop. It’s been a good run here at VGR, but I don’t think we are ever going to find as fine an example of videogame homoerotica as this Pokemon:

This is Honedge. Not only does he have lovely scrollwork and a fine plume, but he is a sword that is also a one-eyed monster. That’s hustle. But why stop there? When Honedge evolves, he turns into this:

It goes without saying that Doublade’s fancy fuchsia plumage is an upgrade over the blue. But then he also clones himself and becomes, per Jeanne, the Touching Wieners Pokemon. While Doublade is a product of the supposedly asexual evolution process, I remain convinced that this came about because two Honedges screwed in the tall grass. Edgeworth will make an exception to his distaste for taxidermy to stuff this thing and hang it in his office.

Uuuuuuuuugh…Pokemon;. I kind of hate myself, but I went and got myself Pokemon LeafGreen, Emerald, Diamond, and My Pokemon Ranch. Take a moment to point and laugh at me — get it out of your systems.

My main goal in playing all of these soul-draining games is to fill up my ranch. I can’t deny my (platonic) love of watching chibi Pokemon run around acting cute and blasting themselves out of the Poke Rocket (not a euphemism). Of course my ranch would not be complete without a Bulbasaur or twenty, which is why I had to get LeafGreen. I have not yet achieved my goal of getting Bulbasaur on my ranch — I have a fuckbillion hours of tedious level building before that dream is realized. Woe.

I share Sam’s discomfort with capturing redundant Pokemon, but it’s kind of unavoidable when trying to fill up the ranch to its limit of 999 Pokemon, or trying to get some of the ranch special events. At least I have an Edgeworth Mii to help wrangle the fifty thousand phallic Pokemon and fuchsia ballsack Pokemon I’ve got inhabiting the place.

But the best part of all? After reading about how rare it is to run into a shiny Pokemon in the wild, I managed to catch one in the first fifteen minutes of playing LeafGreen. Yeah, that’s right — a shiny Rattata. Awesome. I might as well catch a piece of crap with glitter sprinkled on it. I commented to John that I need a a shiny Metapod, a shiny Magikarp, or a shiny Zubat to add to my shiny collection of win.

And then I caught a shiny Zubat in Diamond. Ha ha, Pokemon gods, very funny.

So do any of you have fantastic Pokemon ranches? Does Hayley insist on bringing you nothing but trash Pokemon? Do you have any amusingly pathetic stories of shiny Pokemon you’ve captured? Anyone have a shiny Metapod?

Well, “thanks” to Sam, I now have a renewed interest in Pokemon. And not like that — I’m not a pokephile. Against my better judgment, I’ve decided to buy one of the Pokemon DS games. But that’s not what this post is about — I’m sure you’ll hear a lot about my masochistic Pokemon collecting adventures in the near future. Patience, young padawans.

This post is all about what happens when my unholy brain starts wondering how to combine the worlds of gay lawyers and Pocket Monsters Pokemon and comes up with the question: what would be Phoenix Wright’s and Miles Edgeworth’s Pokemon dream teams? Since I am lazy don’t want to hog all the fun for myself, I’m letting you guys answer this question.

I ran this past Sam, and we came up with some simple rules:
*Each of the Pokemon teams needs to contain six different Pokemon.
*Explain your choices — boring lists are boring.
*All Pokemon are fair game — not just the ones from the DS versions.
*You don’t need to create both teams unless you want to.
*Bonus points for including innuendo-laden Pokemon Battle dialog between the two lawyers.
*Please do not post a link to your super serious Pokemon/Phoenix Wright crossover epic.

This is just for fun — I’m not giving out prizes or anything. Hey, where are you all going?

Some time ago on the forums, someone posted a very disturbing picture in the Tingle’s Rosy Rupeeland thread. The image depicted a character named Pinkle, and as far as I can tell, Pinkle is a drag queen version of Tingle who wears a pink bra, hotpants, and fishnets. That in itself would be terrifying enough, but another comment on the similarity of Pinkle’s boob swirls to Poliwhirl’s tummy swirl triggered a mental flashback to something that happened to me many years ago.

Although I already posted the following story pretty much verbatim on the forums, I figured that it would be timely and appropriate to post it here given the recent interest in discussing Pokemon.

Back when I was in my Pokemon phase, I went around buying a veritable buttload of Bulbasaur merchandise. One of the best items I found was a Bulbasaur pencil sharpener, which came in a desk set with a Pikachu stapler, a Jigglypuff tape dispenser, and a Poliwhirl tape measure.

The Poliwhirl tape measure looks like your average plastic Poliwhirl with a measuring tape sticking out of his armpit. But even I, in my Bulbasaur pencil sharpener frenzy, did not notice what the game store clerk did. As I checked out with my new desk set, the clerk confided to me that when they’d gotten the desk set in, he and his fellow store employees spotted something very, very inappropriate about our friend Poliwhirl.

The tape measure, unlike the auto-retractable kind, needs to be wound by hand. The winder, naturally, involves Poliwhirl’s spiral tummy pattern — when you wind the tape, the tummy spiral spins around. As you may expect, the winder needs a handle. And this handle — a protruding white knob — is located along the outer edge of the white area. When it’s at the lowest point of its arc…well, you can imagine what it looks like.

(For those of you who haven’t figured it out, it looks like Poliwhirl is sporting an ERECT PENIS.)

I really need a new game to play. I have this problem where I am either incredibly excited about a new game’s release and must play it immediately, or I don’t give a crap about it at all and will likely never play it. For whatever reason, right now, pretty much every release is falling into the latter category. This means two things: 1) I don’t play that many games and 2) what I do play are old games.

This week I’ve needed a gaming fix. Nothing new (or unfinished on the shelf) sounded any fun, so I went to an old standby, thanks to my new love of this comic, and started a new save of Pokémon Pearl. Problem solved, right? Pokémon will grant me hours and hours of mindless, but familiar, gaming fun.

About VGR

From the site's title, you should pretty much be able to figure out what we do. Okay, fine, I'll spell it out for you -- we recap the plots of various video games, using sarcasm as well as a slew of penis jokes.

And now we're blogging, too! You can hardly contain your excitement. I suggest you do so anyway. We don't need to see that shit.

If you prefer your humor clean and respectful, this probably isn't the place for you. If you are a teenage boy who can't stand to see people on the internet call your favorite game characters homosexual, this probably isn't the place for you. If you expect your humor to be tailored to your specific tastes, this probably isn't the place for you. All angry e-mails will be mocked.

We have registration open to the general public, so we'd love to hear from you. That is, unless you are one of those people who's just showing up to make things unpleasant for us. Then, you'll be deleted and your posts will be mocked.