'Curtains' needs to be better drawn

Mar. 23, 2007

Written by

Jacques le Sourd

The Jounral News

If the names associated with a Broadway show could make it a hit, "Curtains" would be a smasheroo. Indeed the names on the Playbill title page for "Curtains" make you almost certain the show will be a hit. Until you see it.

This big, expensive-looking musical opened last night at Broadway's Al Hirschfeld Theatre.

It's a murder mystery set backstage during the out-of-town tryout of a bad musical. What could be more delicious?

It is also the last musical with a score by John Kander and Fred Ebb, the team that gave us "Chicago" and "Cabaret." Ebb, the lyricist, died in 2004.

It stars David Hyde Pierce, of "Frasier" fame, who was fine in the most undemanding "Spamalot."

It also has Debra Monk, an actress who can do no wrong, and has Tonys and Emmys to prove it. Not to mention Karen Ziemba, another Broadway star who won a Tony for "Contact." Oh, and Edward Hibbert, from "The Drowsy Chaperone."

The book was written by Rupert Holmes, the thriller writer from Scarsdale who gave us the Tony-sweeping "Mystery of Edwin Drood."

The show is directed by the estimable Scott Ellis, who won a Tony for the recent revival of "Twelve Angry Men."

Big names all, who give us the right - don't they? - to expect wonders on the Hirschfeld stage.

But show biz, unfortunately, is never that predictable.

And in this case the names just don't add up to what we had so blithely hoped for.

Incredulous, you sit and watch the air go out of this balloon slowly, and inexorably.

Here's the bad news: The show has substandard songs. It has stars ready to deliver material that they don't get from the authors. It has a book that twists on itself so it winds up in a hopeless gnarl.

By the time you find out whodunit, you really don't care.

What's fatal is the show doesn't have enough of a sense of humor, though it starts on a promising note, with a song about critics.

Called "What Kind of Man," it asks, "Everyone's enemy/Critics are hated/And so excoriated/Tell me what kind of man/Would want a job like that?"

Excellent question.

But who's to blame, then, for the subsequent fizzle?

It's the critic's job to guess.

Certainly we can't blame Monk, a born wit who can send any zinger right out of the park, provided someone writes it for her.

Here she plays a lady producer named Carmen, who has a dreary song, "It's a Business," that is meant to confirm how thoroughly humorless she is.

She constantly belittles her daughter, Bambi (Megan Sikora), so that no one will think Bambi got a job from her mother.

Carmen is a bore. What a shame!

You can't blame Hyde Pierce either, even though - as Lieutenant Frank Cioffi of the Boston police, who investigates the rapidly multiplying crimes - he demonstrates none of the talents required for musical comedy.

Hyde Pierce doesn't sing very well, he can't dance at all, and he affects a hoity-toity accent that puts him far away from the north end of Boston.

We are constantly aware that he is a TV star laying on the charm over an inept performance. And perhaps, in this instance, the charm is enough.

The rest of the cast, which includes Ziemba, the always amusing Ernie Sabella of Thornwood, Jason Danieley, Michael McCormick and Jill Paice all work awfully hard, to little effect.

There are numerous references to other shows in this one. The bad show within the show, by the way, is called "Robbin' Hood, a new musical of the Old West."

Choreographer Rob Ashford does a whole parody of Agnes de Mille's work in "Oklahoma!" There's a duplicate of the romantic dance number in front of a white curtain in "Hairspray." There are mermaid costumes that seem borrowed from "Spamalot." And Ziemba makes an entrance in a red dress on a red set that is lifted straight from "Hello, Dolly!"

Hibbert, who stands as ready to be funny as Monk is, plays the director of the ill-fated mess within this sad musical, as the bodies pile up.

But neither Kander, Holmes nor Ellis gives him material he can sink his funny teeth into.

In the sad absence of Ebb, and of the late Peter Stone, who is credited with the original book and concept, we have some additional lyrics by Kander and Holmes. They're not good enough.

In the end, I'm afraid we have to blame the writers and the director (the real one) for the disappointing turn in such a promising show. I hear all three of them tuning up to sing "What Kind of Man?" right now.

And yet, I'll conclude with a "but."

There are a lot of Broadway fans who would pay to see Monk and Hibbert - and maybe Hyde Pierce, too - read the telephone directory or your tax forms. Especially if they did this wearing the always beautiful costumes of William Ivey Long, who did the costumes for "Curtains."

For them, this show is probably still worth seeing. Particularly if they don't go with high expectations.