Some new rules for golf

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I’ve got a friend who has lots of ideas about golf. Some of them are actually good. Most are well, uh ... you know. My friend recently went on a golf trip to Myrtle Beach. Being the official spokesperson for Myrtle Beach golf I was happy to hear that.

Anyway, he played three different golf courses and each course used a different color designator on the flagstick to indicate the hole location: red for front, blue for back, white for middle. Each course used a different configuration and my buddy quickly became confused. His tone was quite distraught in the e-mail describing his conundrum. He even suggested a system that could be easily remembered by all golfers: yellow for front, white for middle, brown for back. He described his system as ARBS: After Round Brief Status.

I found the whole exercise interesting because he has no idea where he is gonna hit the golf ball. His first priority on the golf course should be to not hurt himself or others. The hole location should be the last thing on his mind. Him worrying about hole locations would be like me being afraid of going outdoors at night for fear of bumping my head on the moon. But his e-mail did have some merit. Standardization could help golf in several areas.

Along with using the same color designators for hole locations across the country here are a few of my suggestions. Feel free to add on or shoot my ideas down.

1) Prohibit the use of sand on golf carts to fill in divots (I’d rather play out of a divot than a sand-filled divot and many golfers use way too much)

2) Prohibit starters from the first tee (the smugness drives me crazy)

3) Any player not repairing a ball mark is subject to live sniper fire

4) Any group taking more than four hours to play 18 holes is subject to live sniper fire

5) Prohibit the pacing of yardage in the fairway (if you are that precise buy a laser or GPS)

6) Walking should be allowed on any course at any time (if revenue is a problem then charge a cart fee to walkers)

8) Prep golf courses so that they are ready for play at first light on weekends (dads like me can play on Saturday morning and still make their kid’s noon baseball game)

9) Golfers taking this game too seriously are subject to live sniper fire

10) Every golf course should be required to have at least one of those hot dog machines with the wire cages that go round and round, the hot light in the middle, AND the bun steamer on top (condiments can very according to the prevailing local customs)