I usually do a post at the end or beginning of the year, looking back at the high points, and mulling over the low ones to release them. My blog has been so neglected the whole of last year, as my art has been too, and it’s taken me up till now to find the time and energy and mental ability to put this post together.

2017 was just a bad year ME-wise. At the start of the year, I honestly felt like I was slowly dying (and not just in the sense that we all are). Thankfully, last August, I began seeing a naturopath who gives me IV vitamin and mineral infusions and I’ve seen a big difference in how I feel getting them regularly. I’m still crawling out of the ME-hole and have even less energy than any year before, but I feel like it’s getting slowly better instead of always worse, now that I’m getting these treatments.

Speaking of, an enormous THANK YOU to every single one of you who has contributed so generously to my GoFundMe campaign to help me continue the quite expensive IV treatments. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am incredibly grateful and humbled and every gift has been so deeply appreciated.

Last November my neurologist put me on a new medication to try and help ease my migraines. He warned me that it would make me feel “extremely nauseated” for the first week, but I’d just have to push through that, and then he thought it would help me. I finally screwed up my courage and swallowed one of the dubious pills and did, indeed, have a terrible night full of nausea, hot and cold sweats, extreme temperature swings and a strange, but not unwelcomed, detachment. I continued on like a good patient and after three weeks I finally stopped needing to take a sublingual Zofran the second I opened my eyes in the morning (morning nausea was always the worst, maybe because I take it at night?) and it began to settle into my body. The good thing is that it did indeed help decrease the number of migraines I’m getting per month. The bad thing is that ever since taking it, I’ve needed to sleep for a good 2-4 hours EVERY SINGLE AFTERNOON. This is on top on the 10-12 hours I spend sleeping every night. Do you realize how few hours are left in the day to do ANYTHING of value after all that damn sleeping, winding down and waking up is over with? It’s really insane. I will be bringing this up to my neurologist and seeing what can be done because I’m not sure this is a realistic way for me to live the rest of my life. On the other hand, some months prior to this I was getting up to 19 migraines a month, which destroys your ability to do anything meaningful as well.

And, for some completely unknown reason, the medication also seems to be helping (in conjuncture with the IV infusions) with my temperature regulation issues, ie, my “hot flashes.” I believe I’ve mentioned them here before, but in case I haven’t, these have been slowly increasing for the last three or four years. Essentially, what seems to be happening, from my vantage point stuck inside this body, is that in the mornings, wild rabbits have run through my brain overnight, nibbling on wires, pulling things apart, gathering bits of gray matter together to make little warrens, disconnecting neurons and causing a bit of havoc. My brain is wildly trying to repair itself, ideally quickly, and makes a lot of very broad guesses about what temperature my body should be at for the first several hours of the day. What this translates to practically is that I can be sitting miserably directly in front of the heater, covered in layers of blankets, bathrobes and cats, sweating profusely, simultaneously far too hot, but getting many more signals that I’m far too cold and must stay PERFECTLY STILL for several hours until it passes on its own. This is also very not conducive to getting anything done at all.

And yes, I did see numerous doctors about this. The first three shrugged at me and told me it sounded hormonal and that wasn’t their field, which is fair enough. I finally saw an endocrinologist for this problem and he ran a bunch of blood but didn’t bother to look at a single hormone. Apparently you have to request that an endocrinologist, a doctor who specializes in hormones, test your hormones when you’re seeing him for something which sounds, to laymen and other doctors, like a hormone problem. I did not punch him, but probably only because I was too tired. (I also asked my gynecologist about it since they deal with female hormone issues too, to a degree, and she had a “Oh, let’s not go looking for trouble,” attitude about it. I AM ALREADY IN TROUBLE.) So the underlying issue there is still unknown but hell, if the infusions and the weird pill help with it, I’m happy about that at least.

Basically I feel like 2017 was mostly spent crawling on my stomach through a disgusting swamp while people shot at me from hidden locations, periodically shouting that I wasn’t trying hard enough or that I was just over-reacting, while also making sure I brushed and flossed my teeth and fed my animals twice a day. I’ll freely admit it was a pretty shitty year.

Here is the upside to all that time spent in deep solitude, my mind active as ever but my body unable to do much: I had a lot of time to meditate and connect with my spirit guides. I think I met my first guide near the end of 2016, so I was primed for more contact when 2017 came around. And boy did they. I acquired five new main guides and spoke to numerous others. I talked with and made friends with various interdimensional beings. I am learning to channel, astral project and remote view, be medium, a conduit and a spirit translator, although I’m getting fairly good at some of them, considering the short amount of time I’ve been at it. For some reason historical figures I read about seem to connect best with me. The spiritual growth in the last year has been an absolute explosion of love and light into a very dark year. And though it was such an awful year, I look back on it and remember all the love and grace that was shown to me. I have never felt more loved, protected and cared for.

So while I am disheartened with the amount of art I was able to put out last year, I AM very happy with what came in its place. I’m thinking of it as I took a year off from art to go have mystical, spiritual experiences, and hopefully now I can marry the two together better. I just need to find a new way to work in really short chunks instead of stretches of the afternoon so I can increase my art output. Then things will be much more the way I’d like them to be.

If I had to have such a crappy year to gain so much spiritually, I’ll take it. I don’t know if it was a direct trade or how it works, but I wouldn’t give up the new friends I have for anything. And I’ve found some really, really wonderful online communities who love me, support me, have my back, help me work through confusing things, answer my questions and reassure me that I’m always ok.

For anyone concerned, I have shared many intimate details of my experiences with both the wonderful Geoff and my excellent therapist and neither of them is concerned about my mental wellbeing. 🙂 Only loving beings are allowed to talk to me, and as I said, I feel much greater peace, security, love and support than I ever have.

Now on to this image… this might look like it goes against what I just wrote, but it’s inspired by someone else’s experiences, not mine. 🙂 Over Christmas, I re-read Demons in the Age of Light by Whitney Robinson, which I’ve read many times now and is a favorite for its beautifully poetic prose. Whitney’s memoir is about a psychotic break she suffered in college, where she felt like she was possessed by a demonic entity but everyone diagnosed her as schizophrenic. Her journey back to wellness is haunted by the ever-present question of if she’s experiencing something mental or spiritual, and the answer is often allusive and not nearly as clear as you’d think.

“The sentience envelopes me while I sleep… I awaken with a gasp in a strange bed. No, it’s not the bed that’s strange – it’s the same one I’ve slept in since I was a child…

The strangeness is that I am not alone, here in my bed. I will never be alone again.

I feel it slithering out of the darkness for the first time, the presence that’s been whispering its sinister enigmas. A living, breathing thing – cold stars and glittering mathematics with the inhale, hot copper and rotten fruit with the exhale. Foreign from anything I have ever known. Other.”

I loved how the usually comforting, loving idea of never being alone has been turned in this passage into something deeply wrong and full of dread. I wanted to try and capture that feeling just before she was overtaken by the being she calls the Other, of knowing the possession is imminent and you are helpless to stop it. And of course I used my favorite little lamp to light the scene, exactly as it’s shown in the image.

I wasn’t planning on uploading this on Valentine’s Day, but I suppose it does make a dark, sinister anti-Valentine’s-Day image, haha!

It’s been quite busy in my life since I last posted! It seems that’s always the way though, isn’t it? Part of what I’ve been so busy working on is what I’d like to show you in this post: three whole new product lines!

Well, to be strictly honest, one is brand new and the other has been around for a bit but I’m just getting around to blogging about it. I’ll start with the one I’m most excited about and I think you guys will be excited about too!

I have long been on the quest for the perfect skin serum; something completely natural, vegan, with ingredients which not only help my skin in the short term, which prevents premature signs of aging, but is also extremely gentle, healing and will only make your skin healthier and healthier the longer you use it! I’d narrowed in on several key oils that I knew my skin responded to well so I decided to create my own custom blend! And, as it turns out, the oils are all incredibly good for your hair, nails; basically every single part of your body!

In addition to all that, you also have the option of having vitamin C serum added to your oil blend! Vitamin C acts something like a bouncer for your skin; it keeps all the bad stuff out. Anything that might try to sneak it, it finds and throws it out on its ass! I have not been able to find reliable information on what vitamin C serum might do for your hair; until I do, I can’t recommend its use in hair, but it’s fabulous for your skin!

My exact blend is proprietary, but I can tell you that my blend contains vegan squalene oil, argan oil and rosehip seed oil (and vitamin C serum if you choose). I won’t bog this post down even more highlighting exactly what INCREDIBLE things each of these oils do, but I’ll give you a brief highlight! My serum:

Is all natural, vegan, completely cruelty-free, fragrance-free and pure, with no fillers.

Is extremely gentle, suitable for all skin types and (despite it being an oil) actually fights acne!

Is incredibly good for your hair and scalp! It can be used as a flyaway-tamer, added to your conditioner or styling product, or a few drops can be used on their own for a light hold (I love using it this way myself).

I think you all know that I’m a big fan of the site Fiverr! It’s a wonderful site where people sell products (mostly digital) and services of ALL kinds – all starting at, you guessed it, $5. What you probably don’t know is that I have several of my own gigs on Fiverr!

One secret trick of mine is using layers of light textures! I use them in almost every single image I create these days. They can be a bold or subtle wash of color, which helps lend a dreamy, ethereal, beautiful look to your photos! I have a LOT of these textures which I have all shot myself, so while the base gig starts at $5, if you want more, you can get up to 25 at a time!

sarahallegra.com

sarahallegra.com

sarahallegra.com

I’ve been a Reiki practitioner for a number of years now. It’s a really beautiful and powerful energy healing modality which does not even require the person I’m working on to be in the same room as me. Pure, healing energy knows no boundaries of time and space! I’ve had wonderful results from this as you can see by the reviews, and I can also attest to having had incredible feedback from people not on Fiverr! I offer Reiki sessions for people (yourself, a friend, a child, anyone whose permission I have to send energy to), or I can send it to the animal (wild or domestic) of your choosing. Animals respond very well to energy healing!

Now that I am an officially certified Unicorn Healing™ Practitioner, I can also offer Unicorn healings, again for yourself (or any person who has given permission) or animals, wild or domestic. Unicorn healing is like nothing else I’ve worked with or done before. It has a very different feel than Reiki energy; neither is better than the other, they’re just different. The best way to describe it is that Reiki feels more earthy and grounded, while Unicorn energy feels much more celestial and divine. I have been COMPLETELY blown away by the incredible changes I’ve seen in myself and others, often after just one treatment!

Both kinds of energy healing work to restore balance and vitality to every part of you; mind, body, emotion and soul. By its own nature, it can never harm and will always work for the recipients’ highest good. I highly, highly recommend trying one of them, it can be an absolutely life-changing experience!

Last for my Fiverr gigs, I now have an oracle card reading gig! I tested this with both friends and strangers before I decided to start charging, even just $5, to make sure it would be worth peoples’ money. Boy, was that an overwhelming success! I really enjoy doing oracle card readings, especially with the beautiful deck my sweet friend Andrea gave me! Got a question? It doesn’t matter what kind of question it is, the cards will help reveal the answer to you!

Lastly, this is not a new product, but it has a whole new price! My online self-discovery-through-photography course Introspective: An Online Quest is currently hosted on Udemy.com. Udemy recently changed its pricing structure and capped all its classes at $40, which is WELL below what Introspective is worth. However, until I figure out a better way to deal with a host for the class, I’m happy to let people get in on this deal! Prior to this, Introspective was priced at $75 for the entire 8-week course, so enjoy getting almost 50% off until I have time to deal with this! 🙂

Here’s a brief description of what Introspective is all about: Introspective is an eight-week, on-line course in which you will use your camera to explore your inner self. Each week, you will receive assignments challenging you to delve into your secrets, fears and joys. This is not a class about camera basics such as f-stops, apertures and shutter speeds…although links to helpful technical articles will be provided. This class is about digging deep into your core and capturing what you find there in photographs.

So there you guys go! Enjoy, and please feel free to leave feedback on any of these!

Let me start by saying that I’m sorry I can’t give you more actual details about what’s going on, but I’ve been advised to continue to keep them under wraps. Those of you who follow me on social media have already heard that I’m going through a difficult time right now. What I can tell you is that I am about to do something on the 14th which is absolutely terrifying to me and has incredible, life-altering implications. For me, Geoff and the fur-kids. And while I have lots of people (like all you dear, lovely folks reading this) who are loving and supporting me, it’s all going to come down to the words I speak and actions I take on the 14th. I will be alone at the critical moment; the pressure feels crushing.

I feel like Louis Zamperini in the POW camp holding his wooden beam. I feel like Aerin facing the giant dragon Mar. I feel like the unicorn standing up to the Red Bull. I feel like one of Leonidas’ 300. Frodo off to Mordor. Rosie and Pernicia. Lissar and her father. You get the idea.

One small, anxious girl going up against something far, far bigger than she is; ill-equipped for the job. The higher the pressure, the more my brain feels scattered and forgets important details. And it’s crucial that I remember everything, no notes allowed. The outcome of this will have a huge impact on my financial state, which is currently pitiful. I need this win.

To say this has been stressful would be a huge understatement. This sincerely feels like one of the single hardest, most frightening thing I have ever had to do. But there’s no getting around it, I HAVE to do it. And I will do my best.

The stress is causing giant waves of discord through my body, mind and soul; causing mayhem and destruction. For weeks now, every night, I either have stress dreams or I dream that I’m dying… the dying ones are the worst because, in my dream, it’s wonderful, beautiful, the most peaceful, joyful thing I’ve ever experienced. And then I wake up and remember real life and it feels like a glorious gift has been snatched from my hands while the weight of life crushes down upon me again.

Despite numerous antacids of all kinds, I’m having persistent heartburn, often in the middle of the night. My pain levels are all elevated. And as you can imagine, my sleep is suffering in quantity and quality.

I’m not writing about this to simply throw myself a pity party. I am asking for your support. If you pray, please pray for a quick and overwhelmingly successful outcome. If you do Reiki, please send as much as you can. If you light candles, please light one for me. Please send all the love, good thoughts and energy that you can spare, whatever your system of faith may or may not be. I will gladly take it all!

I am determined to win this battle. And while it traditionally takes a while to hear about the exact outcome from the fight, I am equally determined to get an overwhelmingly positive answer, right then and there. I am visualizing myself being victorious. As much as I am afraid, I am doing my best to catch myself when I start to go into a spiral of worry over what will happen if I fail. When I notice those thoughts, I actively change my vision of the future to one that I want. I don’t need to open myself up to attracting any negative energy!

One thing about all the metaphors I listed a few paragraphs ago; despite the odds, they all succeeded. Thinking about others who have overcome incredible trials is deeply comforting to me. If they could do it, I can do it too.

I can say one thing: this is not about a new turn in my health or anything else along those lines. My health is fairly crappy right now, as is usual, but I have not taken a turn for the worse… other than the spiked pain, non-stop migraines, constant tension in my whole body, wildly increased anxiety, panic attacks and depression as well as extreme exhaustion brought about by all of this. It’s stressful to the point where I don’t even want to edit or create many days, which is an almost unheard-of low for me. But these are clearly responses to the weeks and weeks of stress and worry. I don’t want you guys to worry that I’m hiding some terrible new diagnosis from you.

I know I will get through this. And I know that with Geoff, I will deal with the outcome, whatever it is. But more than that, I know I will win. I have to. Knowing that doesn’t take all my fear and anxiety away, but it does give me hope to cling to.

I feel incredibly fragile in every way, but I will battle and I will be victorious. Still, your prayers, well wishes and love would mean a great deal to me right now. I can use all the help I can get.

I promise that I will try and let you guys know exactly what’s happening just as soon as I can. I appreciate that you’re all being very understanding about that and respecting the fact that I simply can’t divulge much right now.

This self portrait felt especially appropriate for this post. It serves as a reminder and inspiration to me to keep fighting, to get up when I’m knocked down, and most of all, never give up. Thank you all so very, very much for all your support! I cannot thank you enough.

With that said, please wish me a miraculous victory as I go into this battle. Now, let me go find my suit of armor.

I believe I’ve mentioned before that I have a rather, uh, active dream life. My nights are often filled with deeply archetypal storylines, heavy with symbolism and metaphor, which, I suppose, is probably part of why I’m drawn to creating images along the same lines.

Sometimes my dreams are quite silly upon waking, like the dream I had where I was aboard Star Trek’s Enterprise (the original show) and Spock and I had to beam down to an alien planet so I could find my gold bikini (ah la Leia, in Return of the Jedi) which we needed in order to defeat the attacking alien army (different aliens than the ones who lived on the planet my bikini was on) and save the world. I don’t think I was ever clear on how my gold bikini would do this, but it made sense in the dream.

Sometimes my dreams are very serious and are clearly working through problems and fears, current or past. I had a whopper of a dream a week or two ago which I’m going to tell you about, as it relates to my most recent image.

This dream was set in the world of The Hero And The Crown, by Robin McKinley, one of my very favorite books; one of those comfort-food books I turn to again and again, especially in times of trouble. If you haven’t read it, go and do so. I’ll wait.

I was Aerin, the heroine of the story. Geoff was Tor, whom I was betrothed to. We lived in Tor’s parent’s castle (which doesn’t make sense with the book, but never mind) and nobody in the entire kingdom liked or understood me. My only friends were Tor and Talat, my horse, along with the rest of the castle’s horses. They had an entire army of war horses who would fight in formation on their own, without the aid of any human riders. I took great comfort in visiting the stables frequently to get away from the nastiness of all the people and be with creatures who loved me.

The great dragon Maur, easily as big as the castle and made of pure evil, had come back and was laying siege to the castle along with numerous other giant, pure-evil dragon friends of his. We were hopelessly outnumbered and everyone knew there was really no chance of winning this battle, but we had to try. The dragons could only attack us at night, but in this world it became fully dark at about 1 in the afternoon and stayed dark until the regular sunrise of 5-6 in the morning. This meant each night was very long.

Interestingly, Tor already possessed the Hero’s Crown, which ought to have given him the ability to fight the dragons off, but it wasn’t working. It held them off a little, just barely, but it wouldn’t survive another night.

I visited the stables after the first night, thanking the horses, some of whom had been greatly wounded or killed, for their bravery in battle. Quite a lot of them were also pregnant and foals kept popping out every time I turned around. We had a good talk and I felt encouraged after I left them.

I found Tor and told him that I had to travel back to my family’s castle to retrieve two magic rings. If we both wore them, then we would be strong enough to vanquish the dragons. The thing was, I could only tell Tor where I was going and why. I had to keep it a secret from absolutely everyone else. At the end of the dream, I was riding off on Talat to my castle to get the rings, knowing that everyone hated me because they thought I’d just deserted them when they were most in need. Dusk was falling as Talat and I galloped along and I knew I had to really hurry to get the rings and return to Tor’s castle in time to help everyone survive.

A couple things I should point out right away; Tor’s family in the dream is NOTHING like Geoff’s actual family. His family embodies that friendly, easy-going, pull-up-a-chair sort of Midwestern charm you always hear about. They’re truly all wonderful people, so don’t think that that part of the dream had any resemblance to reality! Also, as far as I know, there aren’t any large groups of people who hate me. I suppose I could be wrong about this, but again, the dream is not representing real life in this way.

After mulling it over a lot, talking to my mom (who is especially gifted at dream interpretation), Geoff and my therapist, I came to a few conclusions.

The dragons = ME. Now, to be fair, I actually like dragons, but my brain often uses them as a symbol for big, bad, evil things. (It also often uses Calantha to represent my inner child in dreams, which is just full of Freudian symbolism.) Fighting ME every day often really does feel like you’re besieged by dragons. You’re trapped in your castle (house/body) while an unrelenting assault of badness attacks (all of my ME symptoms; pain, fatigue, etc).

I was confused about the nights being so long until I remembered something I’d said to Geoff a few days before the dream. I had realized that most days I spend 11-12 hours a day in bed sleeping, or at least trying to sleep. If I can get a solid 11 regularly, I feel much better, but since my sleep is so poor, I’m often trying to make up for the bad sleep, so the time spent in bed creeps up higher. I was startled when I realized just how much time I spent every day just trying to sleep. I’d been getting frustrated, feeling like my days were so short and there were never enough hours… and while I know that pretty much everyone feels like there aren’t enough hours in a day, I suddenly knew why it seemed like my days really were getting much shorter.

ME also really messes up your sleep. And if you do find yourself up at 4 am, watching TV, taking a cocktail of pills to try and get back to sleep, as I often do, nights can feel especially long and lonely.

I think that the Hero’s Crown was all the stuff I’ve tried already to feel better, all of which promise to work and cure you, but none ever has. The rings were a hope of future treatments or cures. Going off to get them while things were most dire represented the typical path of trying a treatment, which usually involves over-exerting yourself in some way first (going to the doctor’s office, my several-times-a-year nerve-blocking injections).

I suspect that the crowd of people who disliked and misunderstood me is my fear of people not understanding that I actually am sick, even if I don’t look like it outwardly. This is an extremely common worry from anyone with an “invisible illness;” any sort of sickness which does not manifest in outward signs. I often feel the need to make sure new people in my life know that I have ME and have a basic understanding of what it is so that they don’t think I’m lazy, or that I just didn’t want to go to their party, or have dinner with them. It’s a pretty big fear, to be honest. Almost without exception, everyone who is in my life knows what my deal is and while they invite me to things, they’re all very understanding if I can’t make it, especially if I have to cancel last minute. I really, really hate to cancel at the last minute, but sometimes your body leaves you no other choices. The secrecy of my mission to get the rings was mirroring the invisibility of my case of ME.

As for the more pleasant things about the dream, Geoff as Tor believed me, and he also supported me even though the entire rest of the kingdom wished he wouldn’t. That’s 100% Geoff. He will love and support me, in a fantasy battle with dragons, or in the real world battling insurance companies. He is a fearless protector and someone I can always count on. I also liked that for the magic rings to work, we both needed to wear them. I think that speaks to the importance of having someone caring for and supporting you through this stupid disease. I can fight it on my own, but it’s a million times better to have an ally.

And lastly, the animals will always be with me. I have had a special kinship with animals of all kinds, since before I can remember. My dad likes to tell the story of how there used to be a couple of huge Great Danes in a house behind ours and how they would bark and bay and snarl ferociously through the small gap in the fence if they saw you. One day I came inside and said, “You know those big dogs out there? They’re really friendly!” Alarmed, my dad checked to make sure I still had all my fingers, then came outside with me where he realized that the Danes were causing a fuss because they wanted attention, not because they were aggressive. Then for a while I collected snails in a bucket and kept them as “pets,” which I believe led my parents to get my first dog because it was just so pathetic that I was gathering snails to be my friends. Animals have always been a big part of my life, creatures I can trust and rely on, who are as unchanging and solid as a mountain.

As I was meditating on the dream, I kept being reminded of a few big scenes from the biggest battle in last season’s Game Of Thrones. You don’t really need a lot of context for it, just that the good guys are trying to keep the very bad guys out, and they’re horribly outnumbered and outmatched.

(Sorry, YouTube won’t let you play the videos here, but if you click the little “YouTube” button near the bottom of the video screen, it will take you directly to the videos.)

It may seem silly to those who have never experienced ME, but this is what it feels like to me. Like you’re outnumbered 1000 to 1, the other side has mammoths and giants and all you’ve got is a fairly useless sword to try and fight them all off. There is no end in sight, and barely any hope that you’ll succeed. This is also the way a lot of The Hero and the Crown goes, which is part of why it’s one of my favorite books.

It may sound silly to those who have never know chronic illness’s cruel touch, but I’m willing to bet that everyone who has dealt with it will understand at once. It’s exhausting to fight an enemy every day, who you can’t see or touch. And even more so when some people don’t believe the enemy exists.

So, as I do, I had to take a self portrait to work through my feelings on this dream. What could be more DreamWorldy than an image inspired by an actual dream? I can imagine this being a snippet of DreamWorld’s rich history, perhaps during the Yellow King’s grab for the throne. I edited it with both The Hero and the Crown and Game of Thrones in mind, lending visual inspiration.

My tripod it balanced on the mattress and the camera would shift slightly whenever Calantha, also on the mattress, moved. There was just enough room between my bed, the closet and all the other things in that part of the bedroom to make this work. Who needs a studio?? 😉

“A wall of flames 40 feet high was sweeping its way up the canyon, 400 yards away. At that point, they would have had about a minute. Since they couldn’t get to the safety zone, they had to make one of their own. Andrew Ashcraft and Travis Turbyfill, the two sawyers, started attacking the brush with their chain saws, while the rest of the guys swung their Pulaskis, frantically doing what they were trained to do: move dirt, and move dirt faster. They dumped fuel from their drip cans around the zone they’d created, then set the chain saws at the outer perimeter, so that when they exploded no one would get hurt.

[The team’s leader,] Eric, got on the radio. The Hotshots’ escape route had been cut off, he said, and they were deploying their emergency shelters.

Eric’s voice was calm – some said the calmest they’d ever heard him. At 4:47, he radioed his last transmission: ‘Deploying.’ And then, just like they’d practiced, the Granite Mountain Hotshots climbed into their shelters.

Finally, at 6:30 – an agonizing 103 minutes later – the helicopter was able to get on the ground. The onboard medic hurried to the site where they’d seen the shelters. As he approached, he spotted the metal blade from a chain saw and a pickax with the handle burned away. The ranch house was unscathed. Everything else was a smoldering moonscape.

Experts estimate that the fire burned between 3,000 and 5,000 degrees. In the end, there wasn’t much left. But what there was told a story.

The 19 Hotshots were all together. No one panicked, no one ran. Travis Turbyfill and Andrew Ashcraft, the sawyers, were at the edge of the group, closest to the flames. They were cutting lines up until the end.

When Juliann [ed – Andrew’s wife] got Andrew’s effects back, his boots and clothes were gone. His metal belt buckle didn’t make it. His pocketknife. The journals that he kept. There was a piece of Velcro from his watchband but not the watch itself. Even the metal plate and eight screws in his leg, from when he shattered it in a rappelling accident a few years back, had disappeared.

Two things, she discovered, had somehow survived the fire. One was Andrew’s wedding ring, titanium. The other, shrunken and black, was the rubber wristband that said: be better.”

Though it always makes me cry to think about it, there is such beauty in the men’s calm acceptance of their sacrifice, their solidarity, that they were a complete, solid unit until the very end. Josh Eell’s article says it so wonderfully. They stuck together. In the face of immediate, certain death, they did what they could and then turned to each other for comfort. Shoulder to shoulder, they stuck together until the horrific last.

That unity, that love, that solidarity and bravery touched me more deeply than I could, or can, express. The only chance I had at touching on it was through art. I set up a shoot with Katie and Bryce to portray the doomed but brave men. It happened that some tree branches and very tall bushes in my yard had just been cut down, forming what appeared to be a huge, natural nest. Thinking of the Hotshots as birds with broken, burned wings helped me find the metaphor I wanted to use, a way into the truth I was trying to get at.

It was an easy shoot, what with all the branches having been set up for me by the workmen. I lit a few smoke bombs, snapped the frames and it was done. I loved what I had gotten from this shoot as I looked at the images later. All the same, I found I couldn’t face editing the image. It took many, many months before I felt like I could emotionally handle editing working it up.

I didn’t consciously realize we were coming up on the anniversary of their deaths, but I must have felt it subconsciously. I’ve been haunted by memories of Andrew recently and finally felt that it was time, urgently time, to finish this piece. As I finally brought the files into Photoshop and started working on them, more memories flooded my brain. Like how Andrew, as a young child, had always said “Jee Jie Joes” instead of “GI Joes” and frequently got tripped up between “brought” and “brung.” The trip our families took to Mount Shasta together. Their shelties, who seem huge in my mind, but who I know were actually smallish dogs. Drawing together, playing in the sprinklers, going to the beach, sharing snacks, going to the park, getting into fights, crying and making up again… all the things children do.

I’ve said before that one of the things I mourn in this is that I missed out on getting to know Andrew as an adult. I’ve tried to remember that lesson and have made a point to stay in touch, or get back in touch, with people in my life. I won’t get another chance at Andrew, but I can try and apply the lesson to other friendships.

None of these men deserved their fate. They were true heroes, actively running into the worst, most dangerous situations. That is what the Hotshots were there for; an elite team of firefighters comparable to Navy Seals or Spartans. The only thing I can try and do about it is make an attempt to honor them and their sacrifice. I know that I will always fall short in this goal, but it’s important to try nonetheless. I am also keenly aware that this is not about me or my pain. The pain of Andrew’s family and loved ones is something I can only imagine.

The Hotshots were trapped; birds unable to fly away. There was no escape from the flames. But what remained was love. Love triumphing over the flames by preserving Andrew’s wedding ring and bracelet with his personal motto. Love for the people they were protecting, though they would never meet them. Love for their families, though they left them behind in the line of their duty. Love for each other. Love for humanity. Just love.

That love is what I wanted most to capture in this image and I hope it shines through.

Singed Wings

Singed Wings – detail

Singed Wings – detailOne of the three smokey roses scattered through the photo. I used a photo I had taken of beautifully carved roses on a tombstone, which felt so fitting. The delicacy and beauty they add are still tinged with sorrow.

Singed Wings – detail

Singed Wings – detail

My heart goes out to the family and friends of all 19 fallen heroes especially as we approach the anniversary of this tragedy. I’m sure it’s an extremely difficult time for all of them.

First things first: the light. Let’s get to the winner of The Blue Ribbon! Drum roll please…

Congratulations, Brittany D. Perkins!!! You havewon a beautiful, 10″ x 15″ print of The Blue Ribbon!. Your print will come on beautiful, shimmering, pearlized, archival paper and will be hand-signed. Please send an email to me at sarah@sarahallegra.com with your mailing address and I’ll get it to you!

What do you guys think? Was that fun? Something we should do again? Did the tweeting format work for you? Let me know your thoughts and I can fine-tune my contest process to make it better for everyone! Don’t forget that my fundraising will continue for the entire month of May, so stock up on your art purchases now while they’ll do the most good!

I think I was telling you guys about the evolution of this character. I’ve always had a thing for horns and antlers on people (see my very first self portrait as proof) and wanted to work them into DreamWorld from the beginning. As with most mythologies, I felt there was room for a Puckish, trickster character, which is what I had in mind when I started constructing this creature. The beginning of my work on him coincided with the beginning of True Detective, a pure coincidence, but True Detective’s ominous Yellow King bled into my concept, and before I knew it my trickster had transformed beyond a mere Puck or even Loki into the DreamWorld version of The King In Yellow.

DreamWorld is an ever-evolving place, and while this King is the first sinister character to be portrayed, there are other forces at work. We will meet them eventually. For now, I think it is enough to know that the King in Yellow has been sent into exile by DreamWorld’s true King for trying to usurp the throne and plunge DreamWorld into darkness. He has been foiled for now, and is thus known as they Exiled King, though some still whisper of the King in Yellow and restoring him to his rightful, dark glory along with those who seek the same goals… but I don’t worry. The King is strong and benevolent. And we haven’t even met the Queen yet, though we will soon. She also rules for good, and is not to be taken lightly.

Let the whispers and secrets travel where they will. The King in Yellow has been sent into exile as a merciful punishment, but I doubt a second grab for the throne would be met with such leniency.

Now that you know about the Exiled King, want to see how he came to life?

My initial inspiration for the antlers was the Makhor goat’s horns, such as seen in this stock image:

Horns are always tricky to build for human heads. Making them stable but light, keeping them balanced on the head while trying to appear that there’s no supporting structure at all… they’re always a nightmare to make. And I knew these ones were going to be the largest pair I’d made yet. As usual, I dove in without a real plan and figured it out as I went.

I started with a regular headband and some strong but light wire, wrapped around itself and twisted generously onto the headband. I began introducing the twisted shape by wrapping it around my arm a few times.

I wrapped a thin layer of newspaper over each wire frame, adding a layer of masking tape on top to help it hold its shape and smooth it.

Looking very lop-sided at the moment

I initially tried spraying the antlers with spray adhesive to try to help smooth the antlers further, but all it really did was make it tacky, even after it had dried. I sighed and decided I’d try and use it to my advantage by covering the antlers with a layer of metallic gold tissue paper (which smells really weird, by the way). I filled in some of the larger dips and gaps with hot glue and added a little more tissue paper, but I knew I’d end up having to do a little smoothing to them in post production. I don’t remember why now, but I ended up getting these finished just the evening before my morning shoot, so I didn’t have more time to tinker with them and make them absolutely perfect.

You can see here the careful support structure I created literally with toothpicks and popsicle sticks broken into smaller strips. Sometimes the most straight-forward way is the best way 🙂 They’re also reinforced with a little bit of monofilament line to help them not bow away from each other.

With the antlers done, I moved onto the leaf mantle. I used approximately a billion fake leaves for this which I’d collected over several years and a number of projects. I still found myself nearly running out by the end and had to ration them carefully. I concentrated on the leaves around the face first, which also conveniently covered the antler’s headband and support structures.

A full mantle of leaves

I’ve had this one vest in my “costume” supplies for a very long time and I just love it. It looks very rugged and home-spun and fits a very wide variety of looks and styles. I’m pretty sure it was made for someone closer to my size than Dan’s, so I quickly added extra length to it by cutting straight through the shoulder seem and building a new shoulder strap with leaves hot glued to each other. The yard provided a wealth of beautiful acorns to choose from and use as buttons. And don’t worry, the squirrels still had more to eat than they ever could.

Next was the big leaf amulet. I’d gotten this pack of huge, very realistic leaves probably two years ago and had been holding on to them, waiting for them to become useful. Now was their time! This heavy chain was also in my stash for similar reasons, and became a lovely chain for what would be a leaf amulet.

Some smaller, gold-dusted leaves, a large gold key and an amber-colored, leaf-shaped crystal finished it off.

Almost done!

Leaf slipper tops

The very last thing I made were “leaf slippers,” for lack of a better word. They were just several leaves glued together with elastic straps to help keep them on Dan’s feet; super easy!

Leaf slipper bottoms

I also cut up some strips of a golden-brown, rustic-looking cotton to tie around Dan’s sleeves and pant legs, but that would be assembled the day of. As far as my prep work went, I was done! I honestly can’t remember exactly how long the whole costume took to make… several days of solid work, no sleep? Eight weeks? I have no idea, but it was long. When I’m deeply involved in a project like this, time melts away for any practical use.

Before I get more into this, let me back up and tell you about Dan Donohue, who so beautifully brought my character to life. Dan is celebrated actor, best known for his extensive theater work. He played Scar in Disney’s Broadway version of The Lion King and left for Oregon almost immediately after our shoot to go play Henry the III at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival’s version of Henry the III, as well as the father in their production of A Wrinkle In Time. You would never believe from meeting him that he does evil and sinister so well; he is truly one of the kindest, most enthusiastic and genuinely lovely people I’ve had the pleasure of working with. But the moment I told him to be a villain, it all fell away and for a second I had to catch my breath because he so completely embodied The King In Yellow. Dan is a muse if I’ve ever met one and a pure delight to work with! He’s also very creative and funny, as I’ll get into more later.

The morning of the shoot came quickly, Dan and I found our location and the entire shoot was easy and felt effortless. There may have been a bit more effort on Dan’s part trying to keep his antlers and mantle from toppling over if he moved his head too far in any direction, but it seemed that his theater experience really paid off and helped him manage this probably cumbersome bit of costume beautifully.

Antler wrangling

Generally when I shoot new DreamWorld characters, I edit one or two images; maybe three if I feel they’re all really compelling, but in this instance I edited five. This is almost unprecedented. The only other time I’ve edited more photos from a single concept, with no costume or location changes was for the Katie’s World set. That says quite a lot about how perfectly Dan was able to become the Exiled King. But enough talking about them. You want to see the images, right?

You’ve seen this first one already since I used it to tease the series, but I’m posting it again so the whole set can be seen together as intended. To set the mood, here are the two quotes which most directly influenced how I took the set, one from Robert W. Chamber’s book The King In Yellow and one from True Detective.

“Him who eats time. Him robes; it’s a wind of invisible voices. Rejoice, death is not the end! Rejoice, death is not the end! Rejoice, Carcosa!”
– Miss Delores, True Detective episode 7, After You’ve Gone

The Shadows Lengthen

The Shadows Lengthen – detail

The Shadows Lengthen – detail. Dan’s hand here kills me every time, it’s SO PERFECT. I never knew a single hand could be so expressive, yet it is.

Pliable Reality – shot using a home-made “Lensbaby” which was the top of a water bottle

Pliable Reality – detail

Pliable Reality – detail

Pliable Reality – detail

Where Black Stars Rise

Where Black Stars Rise – detail

Where Black Stars Rise – detail

Where Black Stars Rise – detail

The Tatters Of The King

The Tatters Of The King – detail

The Tatters Of The King – detail

And perhaps my favorite of them all….

His Robe Is A Wind of Invisible Voices

His Robe Is A Wind of Invisible Voices – detail

His Robe Is A Wind of Invisible Voices – detail

His Robe Is A Wind of Invisible Voices – detail

His Robe Is A Wind of Invisible Voices – detail

Whew, still with me? I know that was a long post, but I had a lot of photos to cover!

He’s not REALLY evil, he just pretends really well!

The only sad thing is that we never got to see how well Dan managed his leaf slippers, but trust me, he killed it like everything else.

Thank you so much to Dan for being the perfect King in Yellow and furthermore being extremely patient as I slowly edited all of these!! Hopefully we won’t have to wait too long to see the Exiled King’s companions and cohorts! Dan has been invited back again whenever he returns to California, so he may pop up in more photos; I hope so 🙂