Women Who Marry Below Themselves

If I want someone I love to change, what would be the most effective way to accomplish it?

In the midst of labor and hoping for effective distraction (an oxymoron), I turned on the hospital television. It was daytime and the only alternative to soap operas was Oprah. Her topic: Women who Marry Below Themselves. The details of the show escape me, but I remember asking myself what relevance could this possibly have to my life? (Okay, that wasn't the first question I asked about such an inane subject!)

And it hit me. The issue isn't whether you marry below yourself, equal to yourself, or above yourself, but rather what you do with it.

The life of Deborah, the sole female judge of Jewish tradition, suggests a possible and productive response. Deborah was a prophetess and leader of her people -- the greatest Jew of her generation. The entire nation came to her to be judged; there was no one else qualified to assume that role. When the Jewish nation was threatened, she led them in a successful campaign against the Canaanite army led by Sisera. She is glorified in song (in the Book of Judges) and lauded as the Mother of Israel. She was also perhaps the first woman "who married below herself," and how she handled it is a lesson for all of us.

Deborah was an exceedingly bright, knowledgeable and accomplished woman. She was unique in holding the position of the judge for the entire Jewish people. She married a very unlearned man and our sages speculate that initially it was not a "happy" union.

If such a match were to take place today, the solution would be obvious. Barring renewed opportunities to appear on Oprah, most women would say, "It's not working; we're not suited for each other; I'm outta here."
Not Deborah. She looked at the situation from a much broader, less selfish perspective. She asked herself an important question that is so simple and yet so powerful, it could transform our marriages, whatever their present state.

"How can I help my husband become a better person -- for his sake not for mine?"

"How can I help my husband become a better person -- for his sake not for mine?"

Not because he'll give to me more, I'll enjoy him more, I'll feel vindicated and validated. But for him. What would be best for him and how can I facilitate that?

Take a minute and ask yourself this question: How would my marriage change if I focused on helping my partner grow, only for his/her sake?

Deborah knew that being ignorant was not the ideal. She also recognized that nagging is a completely ineffective tool for change. Tempting as it is to nag, none of us respond well to it. Not only do we usually not change our behavior as a result, but we tend to resent the nagger as well.

Deborah had to be creative. She had to think of a way to help her husband that would be productive and uplifting, not discouraging and demeaning.
So Deborah made wicks for the menorah in the Tabernacle and she encouraged Barak, her husband, to go to Jerusalem and sell them. The wicks were specially made (thick or thin according to the season) to enhance the flames. Was there something magical about those wicks? Some supernatural. kabbalistic amulet hidden among them to effect change?

No. Change doesn't work like that.

Deborah reasoned that the sale of wicks would force her husband into constant proximity with Torah scholars and that their attitudes, philosophies, and knowledge would begin to rub off on Barak.

She was right (although she never said "I told you so!"). But she had to be patient. It wasn't instantaneous. She had to be consistently smiling and positive and hopeful.

And Barak was able to be receptive because he wasn't forced into something against his will. He wasn't browbeaten and tormented. He wasn't degraded and criticized. He was assisted in the most thoughtful way possible.

Take a minute and ask yourself another question: If I want someone I love to change -- a spouse, child, friend -- what would be the most effective way to accomplish it?

If someone is selfish, you can yell at him or her repeatedly in accusatory tones about their bad character, or you could take them with you to deliver food to the needy.

If someone doesn't enjoy reading, you could berate them about their ignorance and their wasting of time, or you could leave many different types of books and other publications lying around.

These are small examples, but the potential for effective change is enormous. Think of it as a creative challenge. Think of yourself as Deborah the Judge. Not only will you help your spouse (or child or friend) grow, but through the process of thoughtful and selfless giving, you will become a greater, kinder human being.

Maybe Oprah's show was misnamed. Perhaps it should have been: "Women who Married Just who They Needed."

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 24

(19)
Melissa,
January 24, 2015 4:11 PM

i wasn't aware that it's all about 'the money' as true status

it seemed obvious to me that Ms. Braverman was referring to Deborah's husband's SPIRITUAL wealth, not his social status. I'm at a loss to understand what hollywood gossip has to do with the lives of the matriachs and the patriachs? ... for my part i'm busy wondering what role i could ask my husband to take on that would keep him a part of human endeavors ... involved with human 'being' not just human 'doing'. Maybe a back burner family business is the way to greater harmony in my home ...

(18)
Bracha,
January 1, 2015 7:12 AM

Great article- one correction

Thanks for ti.s It is a great article with an excellent point. Devorah is called, Eshet lapidot, and many interpret that to mean her husband weas named Lapidot or was a wick or torch maker. But her husband was not Barak, who was the general of the jewish army.

(17)
Anonymous,
January 1, 2015 1:25 AM

celebrities

Whenever I hear of beautiful successful high profile female celebrities getting hurt by a cheating spouse, I always want to tell them, "Just marry an average guy. He won't cheat on you." Kendra Wilkinson and Christie Brinkley both married successful wealthy men, and both of them got hurt. I always think that for women like them, "marrying below" would actually be a good idea.

(16)
Anonymous,
December 30, 2014 7:04 PM

Arrogant assumptions of superiority

I think it sad that it is automatically assumed that any person is below another, even sadder that it is always assumed that woman are always the superior gender. Most men find it more difficult expressing themselves emotionally than women and rarely get together to discuss their wife's short cumming s.

Anonymous,
January 1, 2015 1:41 AM

social value

" it sad that it is automatically assumed that any person is below another"

Yes it is sad. When a man chooses between different women, he is "shopping" for a product in the social marketplace. Every man wants the most valuable social product he can afford with his social budget at the time. That is why it is common for a struggling actor to marry an average-looking woman as his first wife, then later on when he is a star, he dumps wife#1 and "trades up" to a perfect 10 for wife#2. Jean-Claude Van-Damme and OJ Simpson both "upgraded" wives. It is if the concept of love is an illusion.

(15)
Jean Valjean,
August 20, 2012 4:07 AM

If you listen to women long enough they will show you what they are really about.

Nothing speaks of women's epic struggle for "equality" than complaining about having to marry beneath them. Clearly, a man's value as a human being or "sub-human" is contingent on his ability to make money and willingness to privilege a woman/women with that income.
Once that ability is lost or never fully realized women are loath to view him as a human being let along want to marry him.
Of course the irony always escapes women when their desire for privilege runs up against their demand to compete directly against men using affirmative action and other preferential treatment.
What did you women think when you set out to get the best jobs and demanded the government fast track you to those positions? The higher you go the fewer men remain who meet your elevated standars and those that do don't want some shriveled up hag who spent her best years as a corporate tool when they can get a hotter, younger model with less wear and tear and a better attitude.
You have no right to hypergamy so long as you compete against men. And those that think you do deserve to be alone.

Anonymous,
November 6, 2013 9:55 PM

To commenter #15--Please look up the word misogynist. That is what you are.

Anonymous,
January 1, 2015 1:36 AM

Intimidation

"The higher you go the fewer men remain who meet your elevated standards and those that do don't want some shriveled up hag who spent her best years as a corporate tool when they can get a hotter, younger model with less wear and tear and a better attitude."

Hahaha, well said Jean. Straight-up without any sugar coating or political correctness. It's always great to hear the ugly truth, particularly when it is offensive. Beatiful women who are very wealthy and professionally successful tend to intimidate men in general. Their wealth and success can actually be a disadvantage when it comes to hooking up with men. No man wants to get laughed at by a beautiful woman with a PhD or who earns six figures. From the man's point of view, he would rather use his effort trying to attract a beautiful woman who is financially modest or struggling professionally. That's why older men in their 40s try to attract younger women in their 20s. It is easier to "impress" such a woman.

anon,
January 8, 2015 2:45 AM

What do you call yourself when you post in the manosphere?

You sure have all that "hypergamy" nonsense down pat.

(14)
Anonymous,
July 20, 2007 1:01 PM

Spiritually below?

What if they are "below" you spiritually, and no matter WHAT YOU TRY TO DO to get them to become spiritual, THEY WON'T?

(13)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2005 12:00 AM

superwoman

I have a admit that I have been nagging my husband a lot here lately because of his own short commings, but through this acticle I realize that I can't continue on like this or it will ruin my marriage. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the many tasks I have to do as a wife, mother,daughter. That I just wish that he would take over some of the load ( this is weremy nagging comes in). I will put into practice this new found knowledge into my marriage pray for me and thank you fro writing it . God Bless

perfectsplit,
January 1, 2015 6:39 PM

bad boys / nice guys

(I am not necessarily saying this is the case with you)When a woman marries a badboy-rebel, she gets a selfish husband who will not take any of the load. A Nice-Guy husband will pull his share of the load. But everybody knows where Nice-Guys finish.

(12)
Noami Oren,
August 6, 2003 12:00 AM

Thank You Emuna:

This article was worth every word written & read.
We all know that whatever Hashem gives us is to uplift our soul & make us better than we are, for the good, thus is the reason for giving us the person we married, to also make them better than who they are....We go forward in life not backwards.

(From a new kalla who is also a new Jewish kalla)

(11)
Shaurice,
July 30, 2003 12:00 AM

I've found that the best way to change others is by first changing yourself. Too often what we desire from others are all ready in us. We can not desire for others more than they desire for themselves but we can, with much patience and compasion,treat them the way that we would like to be treated.

(10)
Michelle,
June 30, 2003 12:00 AM

very interesting - food for thought.....

xo - M

(9)
teresa,
June 9, 2003 12:00 AM

Good stuff!

Loved Emunah's drash (?) on D'vorah's way of helping a less-than-'perfect' husband. Good stuff! I have been likened to D'vorah in my giftedness, and this is info/advice I agree with, but I truly appreciated her way of bringing it across. I will be passing it along--and remembering it for myself, as well. Todah rabah, Emunah!

(8)
Anonymous,
June 2, 2003 12:00 AM

Great idea

What a great idea. I firmly believe that a woman has the power to 'change' her husband by the power of suggestion and encouragement like Devora HaNevia. But sometimes, it can be difficult to apply to one's own situation.

(7)
A Goldman,
June 2, 2003 12:00 AM

anonymous' view is wrong

to anonymous--
Your view that Devorah was wrong is, in my opinion, off track. To quote from your comment "it's still sneaky and manipulative, even though he is the beneficiary." --she did it for his benefit and they both came out ahead. Another example: the wife of Ohn ben Peleh (one of the followers of Korach), wanted to save her husband from being destroyed with the rest of Korach's group, so when Korach's men approached Ohn's house to get him, she uncovered her hair in front of their house which caused the messengers to turn away (they did not want to look) and go on without Ohn. This saved him from being swallowed up by the earth along with Korach. Would you say this was wrong of her, because it was "sneaky and manipulative"? Would you say, let him make his own decisions? She did this FOR HIS BENEFIT. Something which is done lovingly, out of care and concern for a spouse, should not be viewed as wrong. G-d gave wives a special wisdom, that through this wisdom, they can truly encourage and elevate their husbands. Yes, when done for the bad, such as Haman's wife, who gave him advice which caused his ultimate downfall, is sneaky and manipulative. Yet, as the Sages say, The wisdom of the woman builds the home, and through a wicked [woman] it is destroyed. This is not to say marriage is a rehabilitation center. It is a holy union in which each spouse brings out the best in each other. Sadly, today's world has made mincemeat of all this, and the results are tragic.

(6)
Marsha,
May 29, 2003 12:00 AM

Deborah teaches us

This is a most wonderful article. I recently broke up with someone who I "couldn't change". I see now that I am responsible for the change to take place before I can help anyone else. Thank you so much for opening my eyes.

(5)
Anonymous,
May 28, 2003 12:00 AM

Another View-Deborah was wrong

Another view of Deborah is that she couldn't accept what her husband was. She was manipulative and sneaky about trying to change her husband. For his own good, yes; for her benefit, also yes. We think this is ok because it's subtle-but it's still sneaky and manipulative. He's an adult, not her child. How is this ok in today's world? If my husband doesn't have an education, and I finagle a way for him to get a job on campus in the hopes he'll go back to school - it's still sneaky and manipulative, even though he is the beneficiary.

(4)
Anonymous,
May 27, 2003 12:00 AM

Thanks!

What an insightful, beautiful, and much needed article.
The very idea that someone is marrying "below" themselves seems to run against the feminist ethic of not needing a man to define themselves.
I am someone who has not married because in part, I encounter this issue all the time with the women I date. In terms of status, money and job I am considered "below" them. In terms of being there when they would become sick, inner strenght, the art of being human, some of the things they dont teach at business school, I excel in. But they never get a chance to find out!
Feel free to give my email to any women you know who have the character of Deborah!

(3)
Anonymous,
May 26, 2003 12:00 AM

Great Article!

I love your article. Very to the point, useful advice. I cant wait to start implementing the advice! :) Thanks!

(2)
Anonymous,
May 26, 2003 12:00 AM

Wonderful insight; great example!

My wife is one who married below herself and although our partnership is successful, I have been a constant disappointment to her. (Perhaps if I leave this on the screen, she'll read it....) Much thanks for a great article; I wish Miss Winfrey would read and heed - it would help her with Steadman Graham.

(1)
Anonymous,
May 26, 2003 12:00 AM

Not too bad

Very good article. I think I'll keep it in mind.
I believe Rabbi Akiva's wife married on the condition that Akiva would attend to Yeshiva? Just thought that it might be worth mentioning here.
Also, at least now I have something to show for those who look for an "academic, wealthy BMW-owner" to marry.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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