Tonight’s game between the New England Patriots and the Kansas City Chiefs had thousands of fans across the country excited for football’s long-awaited return. However, all that excitement vanished when something pretty disturbing happened: The gates of Gillette Stadium were suddenly sealed as Roger Goodell announced over the Jumbotron that football is no more, and now, America will play a new game.

Wow. Nobody could’ve ever predicted this.

Two minutes into the third quarter, the stadium went completely dark as metal doors slammed shut in front of the exits and Roger Goodell’s face, half cloaked in shadow, appeared on the Jumbotron. Immediately upon seeing Goodell, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski tried making a run for the locker room, but before he could get there, the explosives in his shoulder pads detonated, causing different parts of his body to go flying into the stands.

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“Do I have your attention?” asked the deranged NFL commissioner as he stared into a sea of dumbstruck fans, glued to their seats after watching a few brave souls try to open the stadium gates only to be electrocuted when they touched them. “Football is a bit boring, don’t you think? We should play a game with real stakes. A game where the difference between winning and losing is the very difference between life and death.”

Unaffected by the shrieks of the crowd, Goodell then instructed fans to look under their seats, where everyone would find a single bullet, and explained that the exits would only open when one man or woman remained. This coincided with a pedestal rising out of the middle of the field with a handgun on it. When the Jumbotron finally turned off, the crowd stood motionless until a clock was lowered from the rafters and started counting down from five minutes, sending everyone into murderous frenzy.

Woah. Whether you watch professional football or not, you have to admit that this is alarming to say the least. Let’s just hope that all of this gets sorted out so we can all get back to watching good old American football sometime soon.