Eye of the Storm

Erevan's Secret Hideout

Well, I've been having some issues lately, even had part of it last night. I've been something to walk on, even after the growing I did, the old habbit of breaking down and appologizing, when I should've been appologized to, hasn't left me yet.

My mom threw an attitude with me yesterday just because of some kids outside were making noise and I was talking to Clark during this period of time. I get mad and told her not to snap at me for what they're doing, she got even madder about that and basically demanded me to appologize. Well this one I didn't..I didn't give myself enough time to, I walked out.

A few days ago Clark was throwing an attitude cause of some of the people who live around here, who happen to be black, were doing some bull shitted stuff. He started being racist, said it was the typical black person, the typical nigger. This frustrated me, so I tried talking to him about it. I tried TALKING, not yelling. Told him it's not the typical black person, it's just the jackasses around here. He said "You don't see any white people acting like this do you?" I said "Hell yea I've seen white assholes act like this just the same as black assholes. It's just the fact they're assholes". He kep rambling on so I just shook my head at him and said "you're wrong" and walked away. The next day I went to him and told him I owed him at least to tell him I'm frustrated with how he acted the day before. He continued defending himself, saying I don't have a right to be mad at him for being mad about niggers. I said "No I do have a right to get frustrated with you when you're being racist. Being biased to a whole group over some fucked up retards that belong to it can't be justified, and then trying to make the group you're a part of look purer than the other makes it worse". He didn't pay attention to what I just said and got mad because I was mad.

Then last night something else happened, it's kinda private..but someone got upset with me because I got upset that they got annoyed with me for just joking(to clarify, I was joking, they get annoyed with me, I get upset that instead of talking to me they just got annoyed, and then they got mad/frustrated or whatever just because I got upset).

This is starting to really sicken me. I get mad too ok? It's hard not to when so many people throw hostility toward you. So before you start to get mad or frustrated or anything like that with me, make sure you think of the reactions that will come to be. Watch what you say to me, I'm not gonna let things slide all the time like I used to. I will stand up for myself and knock you flat on your ass if I have to(this is to everyone, not a single person).

Now..as for the thank you. This goes to Kim and Jeremy, believe it or not.

The situation with the two of them helped me realize all this. I'll explain:- Jeremy would on an almost common occassion come to me with problems and annoyances he had with Kim. I would try to explain to him that he needs to talk to her, I think once he actually listened, but majorly he didn't pay attention to anything I said at all.

- Kim came to me with insecurities. She wasn't sure what Jeremy liked, if he would hate her for this, if he didn't really love her, what would she do if he left her? Things like that. I would try to ease her, and knowing she's on medication and may not be able to handle facing him I would share these with Jeremy and TELL him he needs to ease her here, here, and here. I don't think he listened to me til one day he had a problem with one of her insecurities..which is probably the only time he listened to me at all.

- Besides when they wanted to talk about each other, Jeremy and Kim had nothing to do with me. I was a relationship consultant to them, not a friend. I would try to hang with them, one time I did and they really made me feel like a third wheel. I didn't feel like I should be there, they made me feel dejected. I was just afraid to say anything for a long time, I didn't want them to get mad at me(doormatsyndrome).

- The time came where my birthday celebration came, neither of them could show up..however I have reason to believe they spend that day together. Like many other times I tried to hang with them, they chose to deject me from their social line(I say line because there's no shape between two points), and just spend all their time together.

- Now, after all the times we had together, their neglect for my feelings, friendship, and heart was too much to bear. I had to tell them everything, I couldn't hold it inside anymore, or else I would've torn apart. I brought out to Kim that Jeremy's talked to me about a lot that bugs him, that they need to speak to each other, gave Kim the notice that Jeremy's said she was being clingy. Kim took this out on me, by threatening not to talk to me for a really long time(treating me like a door mat, again). I spoke of my feelings in the post, these feelings were yet again neglected to further prove my point. They weren't being very good friends. Jeremy took that time to turn around the situation and try to make himself the victim(making it two on one). He called me a hypocrit, saying this one post is hurtting their feelings. The news was, they were hurtting my feelings for months and months. A person with a hurt heart can't hold that bearing pain for so long without shootting it out eventually(of course I hinted to being upset several times before this, they just didn't listen), of course when I do shoot it all out eventually, they get mad at me. Travis is not supposed to get upset, he's supposed to take everything. This is wrong..

- Now whenever Jeremy speaks of me to people he calls me T.O., he doesn't say my name. (Guess that means I can call him Jerk and get away with it, J.R.K. are his initials). Kimberly won't even speak to people affiliated with me now, such as my cousin or any of my friends. This is pathetic and childish.

That situation, all of it, has made me realize I have been too easilly walked on for far too long, and while I stand up for myself to them, I don't to anyone else. I'm gonna try to make a change..so people..really think about how you treat me. Don't use me, don't abuse me, back off, otherwise step up and be ready to get pushed down.

So yea..Kim..Jeremy..thanks for the realization. Thank you for being yourselves, you helped me grow, I can only hope you two do yourselves.

Note: This will be public in hopes the names affiliated will see this.

~tkarlan~

Yes, my number of friends has decreased lately and many will probably say "shouldn't this tell you something?". Thing is, I've come to notice just because majority thinks one way, doesn't mean its right. Not many people use common sense, even though they believe they do. I was told recently that life isn't fair, that THAT is common sense. This is true, but the comment toward them was how fair THEY were being, not how fair LIFE was being. They claimed to be friends, they claimed to care, but when the kitten that got pushed becomes the lion who pushes back they can't take it. They use excuses about life not being fair to excuse their behavior. That shows the decrease in their moralism.

The reason I'm posting this is because I've been getting very bitter, and this is my way of stopping myself from doing so. To explain what happened, rather than call them bitches and assholes..even though I believe they deserve it.

Jeremy and Kim have been stuck with each other constantly, yes they're dating, but they've been ditching their other friends for alone time for months. In the background Jeremy would call me and complain about Kim. I would always tell him he should talk to her about the problems but he wouldn't. Finally, they started teaming against me, and it pissed me off. So I told them how things were. I told Kim what Jeremy's been saying behind her back, I told Kim how I believe from what he's saying and what she's shown that she's been clingy. I appologized for getting involved but Jeremy drug me in a long time ago. He wouldn't admit to it of course, he's never been able to admit when he does something, like when he blocked me, expected me not to block him, then complained to my cousin saying it "wasn't fair for him to check on how I'm doing". That's pathetic. So I unblocked him for a little bit every day he was over at Kim's. He never talked. So finally I put them in their place, told them what they were, that they have problems, and all that stuff. Check back in previous posts if you wanna see what was said.

Then Jeremy, thinking he was smart, "told me off". He just spoke a lot of bull shit, saying what I said hurt his feelings so I'm a hypocrite for complaining about them hurtting mine. Well the time for hurt feelings is long passed, I don't care about that shit anymore cause by that time I wouldn't have accepted an appology. He carried it on too long, believing he did nothing wrong. Well Jeremy is a fool, he's spineless, weak minded, and not smart at all. He bows to Kim's every word, can't stand up to her for anything. It's sad, I expected him to grow, not sink.

Well it's time for me to go to work, I'll leave this is a public post, and see who's visitting my journal.

This is the way things truely are, and whether they believe it is or not, common sense would tell them I stay where I stand, I will not move, and the only way for things to change is if they stop being lust zombies and become their own people rather than a Kim-Jeremy. Reasoning for Kim being first is because the Kim half is the most dominate.

And I leave you with what I said to someone last night:

"I am not a follower, if you just stand and wait for orders get out of my way, cause I won't wait for you."

I just did a little Friends List Purge, none of it is meant to be offensive, so don't take it that way.

I just had more friends on the list than I really did have a lot to do with anymore. Lots of people on it don't really speak with me, nor I them, anymore. Now if you want me to put you back on it feel free to say so, I just figure it wouldn't hurt to remove a few people. x_X

This post will be able to be viewed by everyone because I've decided that I should do some unregistered Trade Marking. This way I can at least claim and have proof of these claims that I've used these names since this day. Of course most of you know I've used a few of these before now but still..now I'll have it referenced.

Ok..as some people know, Kim quit school..well I'm here to say I'm proud she made her own choice with it. A lot of people are saying they're disappointed in her, and I heard that SOMEONE, not saying any names..but this selfish underblonde decided to tell Kim she needed to be responsible, cause she's a ride for someone to school..I've got news for this jackass..Kim is not the one that needs to be responsible in that area, you want to get to school? Learn to drive yourself and shut up. Me? I don't HAVE to go out of Bedford right now, so I can get around on my own. Later if I have to, I'll pay a cab or ride the bus. Just get over yourself...

Kim, don't you let people get you down. If you don't wanna go to college you don't wanna go to college. That's all there is to it. No one should feel like they have to make you go..it's just not the way things are. If anyone upsets you to the point you want me to, I'll beat the shit out of them ok?

Kim's like my best best fuckin friend ever and I'm not up for anyone hurtting her, PERIOD..

Current Mood: aggravated

That post? You remember it? It wasn't that long ago. Well guess what? I get a call by Michelle's FATHER, saying that I threatened his daughter. Does it look like in that post I threatened his daughter? I don't think so. I was told that I was a devil worshipper, along a few other of my friends. Well I have news for you, we are NOT! I don't even know why the others were brought into this, but I told him that I am a Christian. He told me that Kim and I need to grow up, I told him that he and Michelle need to grow up. He has not earned any respect from me since I've known him. I told him about his daughter saying she wished for me and Janee to die in a plane crash, he excused it(so it's ok for her to make wishes as direct as that, but it's not ok for me to make universal empty threats that are meant as jokes to cheer Kim up).

Well my mother gets on the phone after calling him back, they tell each other off after a while..he ended up telling my mom, after hearing from Michelle, that I was gay. I knew Michelle couldn't be trusted with anything like that, it didn't surprise me(this is nothing new I've said).

But it ended. finally..I don't know exactly everything my mom and him said..but this is what I say now

I did NOT threaten Michelle, she KNOWS I didn't threaten her. But this is it, I will NOT be talking to Michelle anymore, I will NOT be looking at Michelle anymore, if Michelle comes to the store I will call the manager up(of course I will be talking to him about this situation, that I cannot wait on her or her family anylonger), I will NOT be talking ABOUT Michelle anymore, period.

Michelle Kimberly Ferrar does not exist to me anymore, I never met her, I never saw her, that is IT.