ROSWELL, GA—Expressing his desire for a high-caliber talent with the creative vision to do justice to the film’s promotion, local man Jeff Crews told reporters Friday he has a list of dream marketers he’d love to see handle the next Spider-Man movie.

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

NEW YORK—Shocking the literary world once again, acclaimed author Harper Lee announced through her publisher Tuesday the surprise release of her third novel, My Excellent Caretaker Deserves My Entire Fortune.

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

WASHINGTON—Expressing their frustration with the casting for the new Fantastic Four film, comic book fans across the country were reportedly adamant Monday that the superhero the Human Torch should be played by an actor who is actually engulfed in flames.

EW YORK—Saying the series’s latest dramatic turn caught them completely off guard, fans of the HBO series Game Of Thrones reacted with shock to Sunday night’s episode in which some little goblin or something was killed off.

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

LOS ANGELES—Noting that she’s always present for recording sessions and has been increasingly vocal about the group’s musical direction, disgruntled bandmates of Rivers Cuomo privately complained this week that the singer’s wife, Kyoko Ito, is becoming the fifth Weezer.

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—In an effort to accommodate passengers who wish to relax and get some rest during their ride, amusement park operator Six Flags confirmed Friday it had begun to add sleeper cars to all its roller coasters throughout North America.

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Promising that the sequel would continue to follow the impressive feats of an incredible group of revenue streams, executives at Marvel Studios confirmed Friday that Avengers: Age Of Ultron picks up right where the first film’s profits left off.

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks."

SOMERVILLE, MA—Noting that he only needs to watch 26 full episodes of the political drama, local man Ben Atwell revealed Thursday that catching up on the previous two seasons of the Netflix show House Of Cards should be depressingly manageable.

LOS ANGELES—Revealing that the success of such relationships is far less certain than typically assumed, a report released Wednesday by UCLA’s Department of Sociology found that only 40 percent of celebrities ultimately end up marrying their s...

HOUSTON—Revealing her total ignorance of the 1997 science-fiction classic, local resident Erin Marshall, a corporate consultant who has clearly never seen the film The Fifth Element, reportedly complained Monday about Hollywood’s lack o...

LOS ANGELES—Saying they’d be a bit surprised if there wasn’t at least something to nibble on, the 1,500 invitees to the official after-party of the 87th Academy Awards admitted Sunday that they were not sure if the gala event would have ...

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

LOS ANGELES—Perched forlornly in the rafters above the merriment of the 87th Annual Academy Awards, the Dolby Theatre Hunchback stared down in longing at the beautiful guests sitting in the hall below, sources confirmed Sunday.

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

BOSTON—Making an utter fool of himself in front of company Monday night, local resident and complete fucking moron Tony Penneman actually voiced aloud his opinion that Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov is “the most inventive orchestrator in the history ...

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Explaining how the timeless clash between the two sides remains among the most elemental forms of storytelling worldwide, a study published Tuesday by researchers at Oxford University has concluded that virtually all modern narrative...

LOS ANGELES—Calling it a great opportunity for viewers to see some lesser-known talent, event organizers confirmed this week that local Los Angeles-area awards show the SoCal Music Honors will open for the Grammys Sunday night.

MODESTO, CA—Saying he is willing to do all the hard work necessary to succeed in the music business, local teenager and aspiring recording artist Morgan Reyes told reporters Sunday that he is in his garage every day crafting a widely marketable pers...

CINCINNATI—Ensuring he would be exposed to minimal amounts of advertisements and downtime in his entertainment, local man Eric Sackett carefully settled on a backup channel to watch whenever AMC’s airing of the film Gladiator entered a ...

STOWE, MA—Disappointed after realizing the high-budget biblical epic was no longer playing at his local cinema, area man Will Johnson lamented to reporters Monday that he had totally blown his chance to see Exodus: Gods And Kings in theaters.

AKRON, OH—In an effort to arrive at an impartial assessment of this year’s field, area man Kurt Holden told reporters Thursday that he would postpone any judgments on the best actress Oscar nominees until he looked at all five pictures.

CULVER CITY, CA—Explaining that it just came to him in a moment of inspiration, Columbia Pictures executive Andrew Killian told reporters this week that he has an incredible idea for a new film budget.

SYRACUSE, NY—Noting the considerable likelihood that she was currently deep into the story and enjoying it greatly, reports confirmed Tuesday that area girlfriend Melissa Leavitt, 31, is probably reading some book titled The Midwife’s Promise.

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

WASHINGTON— Confirming that most copies have not been played since high school, a report released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center found that 80 percent of British rock band Queen’s Greatest Hits CDs are currently lodged in the cent...

NEW YORK—Reacting with a mixture of surprise and disappointment, fans of the James Bond series voiced concern Thursday after learning that all of the latest installment’s shooting locations would be in New Hampshire.

WASHINGTON—After visiting their parents over the long Thanksgiving weekend, millions of holiday travelers reportedly returned to their daily lives Monday having completely caught up on the CBS procedural crime drama The Mentalist.

PRINCETON, NJ—Confirming that a majority of the country is ready for when the time comes, a study released Tuesday by researchers at Princeton University found that 81 percent of Americans know exactly which YouTube clip they’ll post on social...

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

NEW YORK—Promising viewers a glimpse into a shocking alternate reality, the History Channel is set to debut Monday its newest show, Life Without History, which theorizes a world in which the cable channel had never been created.

AUSTIN, TX—Hoping to eventually reach a worldwide audience, members of the alt-rock band Few Are Silent told reporters Friday that they dream of one day becoming popular enough to completely alienate their early fans.

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

ELKHART, IN—Saying even the tiniest moment of leisure counted, local man Brian Rabe told reporters Sunday that he was attempting to wring every last drop of relaxation from the single day that remained of his time off from work.

A scene from a Fox special about parents who are killed in car accidents on their daughters' birthdays.

The win caps a yearlong trend of human tragedy as the top prime-time ratings grabber for the four major networks.

"We are pleased the shark-attack footage has struck such a chord with viewers," Fox Entertainment chairman Sandy Grushow said. "Of course, we knew people would tune in to watch real-life Haitians struggling desperately among flotsam and wreckage in the open sea, only to be eaten alive by ravenous, blood-crazed schools of sharks in a feeding frenzy, but we never expected these kinds of numbers."

"I'd just like to thank all the fans for helping us realize our dream of being number one," Grushow added.

The shark attack is the latest in a string of human tragedies to top the Nielsens. Among previous winners: CBS's November 2000 special on the cannibalization of a stranded Norwegian research team in Antarctica, ABC's PrimeTime Thursday report on villagers being dissolved by molten lava during recent volcano eruptions in Indonesia, and Dateline NBC's five-part special Crushed By An Enraged Bull Elephant.

The success of such fare has cemented human tragedy's status as the primary programming directive for the coming season.

"When networks announce their Fall 2001 schedules this May, the watchwords are going to be 'pain and suffering,'" Los Angeles Times television columnist Howard Rosenberg said. "CBS has already gotten a jump on the trend by greenlighting Widowed By War, and NBC is reportedly in negotiations for an as-yet-untitled series about earthquakes that orphan small children, leaving them to wander alone through rubble, howling in confusion and despair as they scrounge for food like animals."

Human tragedy, a mainstay of the dramatic arts for thousands of years, has in recent decades been overtaken in the televisual arts by wacky pratfalls and bawdy sexual innuendo. But tragedy is making a big comeback, industry insiders say. Funny and sexy are out; horrific and senseless are in.

"Since the time of Aeschylus, human tragedy has captivated the human mind," said media and pop-culture analyst Kurt Andersen, founder of Inside.com. "Yet the current popularity of televised atrocity–beheadings, disembowelings, and immolation by chemical fires at the sites of industrial accidents–is something new. Never before have we seen such flaunting of the misfortunes of innocents by the major television networks. Because of content restrictions which hampered TV throughout most of its history, raw unedited footage of, say, an Afghan peasant mother and her five screaming children being hacked to pieces by Taliban militiamen was considered 'inappropriate' for viewer consumption."

However, Andersen said, with the advent of the Internet and the effect it has had on traditional television broadcasting, all that has begun to change.

"Now that these constraining standards of propriety have at long last loosened, we are in the middle of a 'Golden Age of Human Tragedy,'" Andersen said. "And it has made for some great TV."

Industry observers expect human tragedy to continue drawing big audiences–and big revenues–in the coming years. CBS just wrapped shooting on the series Venereal Archipelago, which will feature 16 young, single islanders slowly succumbing to worsening stages of syphilis. NBC's Tragic Event Sunday will document massacres by Third World despots and train accidents involving chemical spills. And ABC News' much-hyped six-part series on Angolan child amputees disfigured by abandoned land mines is scheduled for November sweeps. Other hot topics coming to the small screen in 2001 include starvation, killer-bee attack, and gang rape.