choose your weapon...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

iBITE my nails.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve bitten my nails. A few years ago my friend Amber (who worked at one of those nail salons and had some fancy name she called herself... re: aesthetician) decided I needed acrylic nails. Fucking. Really. Stupid. Decision. My life was fucked upside down from the minute I tried to push the salon door open. Keyword: tried. Over the next week, I realized a few very important elements of my life. First, I was a short order cook and used my hands for handling raw food, very hot objects and sharp shiny things at a pace that had amateurs in tears. Not to mention I did it all in style, with a black baseball cap on backwards and disgustingly grease-caked skate shoes. Try matching that to long plastic pink things expertly glued on your fingertips. Then, I was a chronic stoner, and held the crown for speed rolling, immediately lost the minute those damn nails showed up. Not to mention grinding weed, packing bowls, lighting bowls, cleaning bongs. Also, I was an independent, adult human being. Expected to be perfectly capable of doing up my own buttons and zippers, opening shampoo bottles, and holding a toothbrush. I was useless. Completely and utterly useless, temporarily driven to insanity by a ridiculous and superficial custom. Ladies who can pull it off, I applaud you, for it is much more difficult then it seems, and while you may be able to bear the everyday torture… I could not, and don’t believe I’ll ever try again. So yeah. I bite my nails. Because I have to.

I, too, am a nail biter by necessity. Between getting jammed into dirt and and roots and rocks and poop, and being slammed against metal bass strings for hours on end, my finger nails are not only shockingly short and dirty, but my fingertips are also so callus that I have no fingerprints and am fireproof. Heather Maria, don't try to deny it, we are superheros.

I kid tennisdude... I keed. Don't bind me, but you may bite me at any of the non-door knob shaped areas. I don't mind. So anything other than the ears and my dick. Why are my ears door knob shaped you ask? Why, it's between me and my "cotton swabs". *wink fucking wink*

Getting caught while performing a filthy, dirty, sweaty habit is a momma's job and a daddy's jab. Dinchye learn that? Just chill with all them dirty things td818.

No, seriously... why is biting nails a dirty habit? Germs? Don't worry about them, you'll be getting plenty , and far worse variants than in your nails, by having a go at straws, plates (paper or otherwise).. you name it. Your food has more germs and bacteria than you can imagine, and your hands have them anyway right after you wash them. You're more bacteria than human actually, as miss Heather Maria "Luck" pointed out in her blog not too long ago. It scared her... if memory serves me swell, but yes... they're useful little buggers too.

What's the other bad thing associated with biting nails... making the teeth crooked? Sugar will fuck up your teeth in more serious ways than any nail biting. Getting nailed into your headboard ought to make your teeth more crooked than having a go at your nails. Besides, crooked teeth are awesome.... just ask miss Lueck.

What do you think your ancestors did? 200,000 years pal.. 200,000 years of smoking all kinds of fumables,picking all kinds of noses, asses and shit, biting everything from nails to painted orangutan tits, consuming anything that moved and smelt funny, and drugs like you couldn't get from a brothel in Nicaragua ... and we stupid, fucking "modern men" create all sorts of rules about right diets, drugs, manners and etiquette. Get over yourself with the fucking truth. Bite your nails, shit on your hands, and bite your nails after licking your hands and picking your asshole... cause THAT'S what it really means to be a human being!

And Obby... dammit, make a video of your fingernails. Oooh, include some toe jam too! I'm counting on you man... I'm counting on ye!

Heather, sorry for being a bit dickish. I feel like pushing the boundaries. This ... is the manifestation of that push. I can't find anything wrong with me getting more insane.