Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Better. Stronger. Clinton.

Don't fret about Kerry's advisors, Seth. There's help on the way.

We've been told 4 of Bill Clinton's key arteries were almost 90% blocked. We're meant to understand he is recovering from quadruple bypass surgery. We've been led to believe he will sit out the final months of the election season.

I think not.

No, I have it from a very good source - psychedelic mushrooms - that Clinton has been outfit with his most extreme bionic implants yet. Already a superhuman politician, the cybernetic circuitry applied to his nervous system and integrated into his musculature, will make him the greatest campaigner the world has ever known. His prototype teleporter - welded to his previously reinforced spinal column - will allow him the mobility to reach millions of swing voters in their homes simultaneously. Able to support huge amounts of weight, the newly improved Clinton will routinely throw, chuck and heft Swift Boat Veterans for Truth vast distances. With a quantum computer aided intellect, Mr. SuperClinton will dole out supernaturally profound advice to John Kerry, deftly parrying the scare tactics of Vice-President AND dark wizard Dick Cheney - who's own "pacemaker surgeries" were in fact a smokescreen for hushed-up ritual sacrifice sessions and dark arts training seminars.

With John Edwards's recent discovery of an abandoned subway platform and formal meeting with an old man offering him all the divine powers of the Greek Gods, I'd say things are looking up.