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Quack, Quack !

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

A neighbour woman found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned it out and the dog could hear just fine. The vet told her if she wanted to keep this from coming back she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair removal cream and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So off she goes into the chemist shop, and as she is paying for the Nair, the chemist tells her, "If you're going to use this hair removal cream under your arms, don't be using deodorant for a few days."

So she says, "But I'm not using it under my arms."

So the chemist says, "Well,if you're using this on your legs, don't be shaving them for a couple of days then."

The woman says, "I am not using it on my legs either, but If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

"Then you better stay off your bicycle for at least a week!" says the chemist.