DIRECT BEERS

LOOK, WORST BEERS IN THE WORLD, EVER!

Cat's Pee: Pale Ale 4.8% ABV

We rescue stray cats from all over England. We feed them on the finest hops and barley, a bit of yeast, and plenty of water, and we harvest the result, using a sophisticated system of irrigation. The result is a refreshing, powerfully hopped, pale ale. No cats were harmed in the production of this beer.

Old Fart: Best Bitter 4.8% ABV

Let’s face it, we all have an Old Fart in the family, and he usually likes a good old glass of bitter. With this in mind, our Old Fart is a robust, perfectly balanced, copper coloured best bitter, brewed to give a good dry hop taste, with a little malt sweetness. Caution! Too many of these, and your old fart will be farting like a trooper.

Dog's Pee: Smooth Stout 4.5% ABV

We select chocolate labradors with the highest pedigree. We feed them on the finest hops and barley, a bit of yeast, and plenty of water, and we collect the result via a sophisticated irrigation method. The result is a very smooth, rich, full-flavoured English stout. No dogs were harmed in the

production of this beer.

Bullshit: Golden Bitter 4.1% ABV

For all of those who are prone to a bit of bullshitting every now and then, we offer this traditional pale, copper coloured bitter. This particular edition is our very own tribute to one of the biggest bullshitters of all, our dear old Prime Minister.

Dandelion & Birdshit: Dark Mild 3.7%

Our ships sale the oceans to collect birdshit produced by Peruvian seabirds. We add this to the dandelions we steal from farmers’ fields around Derbyshire. (we don’t think they mind). The result is a beautiful, mellow, malty mild, named in honour of your favourite childhood pop.

Big Cock: Golden Beer 4.2% ABV

This beautiful, pale, golden beer is produced using very floral hops, lending it almost a hint of sherbert. It’s brewed in honour of all those who like to exaggerate their credentials. Don’t get too excitable, it’s just a chicken!

Grumpy Git: Amber Ale 4.8% ABV

We all know the Grumpy Git: he’s only happy when he’s moaning. It’s too hot or it’s too cold; the music’s too loud or he can’t hear it. He’s grumpy at work, he’s grumpy at home, he’s grumpy at the shops, he’s grumpy watching tele.....Let's face it, he's just plain grumpy, and that's why we love him so much..

Arse Liquor: IPA 4.0% ABV

This beer has been specially brewed for that loved one in every family, every workplace, and every circle of friends, who can every once in a while behave like a complete and utter arse, in spite of which, we still love you....You arse.

Lazy Sod: Golden Beer 4.0% ABV

We thought we might like to have a nice light session beer in our range, and sat down with a selection of our bottles, to decide how it should be done. We umm'ed and ahh'ed and pontificated a while, discussed other, unrelated matters, and generally put the world to rights, while liberally sampling our beers. Eventually, we yawned, stretched our weary limbs, went home, and let someone else brew it instead.

Come on now you old Misery Guts, why don't you loosen up for a bit, enjoy a nice beer, tell us one of your rambling anecdotes, and then you can go back to sleep in your favourite chair..........ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Shitfaced: Premium Bitter 5.0% ABV

We settled down for a serious discussion to consider the merits or otherwise of our particular approach to beer branding. To lubricate the proceedings we decided to open a few bottles of our famous ales. The conversation turned from serious to raucous, and from business, to fast cars, loose women, and beer......So we brewed this.

OUR CHRISTMAS 2013 BEERS ARE AVAILABLE FROM LATE SEPTEMBER ONWARDS. YOU ARE WELCOME TO PRE-ORDER THEM, YOU JUST WONT GET THEM UNTIL THEY ARE AVAILABLE!

Tight Arse: Light Ale 3.8% ABV

Oh Santa you tight arse. Just in case you've spent more money on the wrapping paper than on the present, just on the off chance that you've done all your shopping on Christmas Eve at the Esso Station, I've taken the precaution of just getting you this bottle of Tight Arse. Oh, and if by any chance you've got me nothing, I'll shove the bottle right up your...................

Yule Log: Dark Ale 5.0%

You've opened the presents and struggled to hide your disappointment, you've stuffed yourself with bone dry turkey, and over indulged on Christmas Pudding even though you don't like it. So now, why not relax, sit down, and enjoy a nice satisfying Yuletide Log. Aaaaah, that's better......cheese and crackers anyone?

Yellow Snow: Lager Beer 5.0% ABV

This pale, well-hopped, Bavarian style lager beer, is brewed using the piss of actual, live snowmen, living near the North Pole, where santa lives, where ice cream grows on shrubs, and where the snow is laced with icing sugar...............it's true you know; ask Santa. Oh go on then, blame the dog!

Shitfaced: Premium Bitter 5.0% ABV

It's been another tough year for the economy, and we think everyone should do their bit to help this Christmas by getting Shitfaced, which is a good, strong, full-flavoured, pale golden bitter, which delivers a good dose of fruity hops. For every bottle purchased, we will donate a big chunk of our hard earned profit to the Exchequer.

Miserable Scrooge: Dark Bitter 4.8%

For all you Scrooges out there, we would like to wish you a Crappy Christmas, a rich, dark ale, with plenty of malt, and a good bitter finish. It's all you deserve, you tight fisted so and so!

Knob Head: Pale Ale 4.0% ABV

Oh Santa it's Christmas Party time again, and you just have to be a Knob Head don't you? Well this year, for a change, why don't youkeep your clothes on, stay away from the boss's wife, keep your hands off the work-experience girl, go easy on the spirits, stay off the dance floor, and just sit quietly in the corner with this bottle of Knob Head pale ale?.