Weight Watchers really is the miracle solution to looking like one million fucking dollars. How those uncanny geniuses came up with the idea of losing weight by eating less, just like with Google, I think to myself, why didn’t I come up with that first? The only downside really is that those spiked choco-daiquiris you used to order when you pretended you were pregnant instead of just fat will really knock you for a loop when you’re back to a size 6. Seeing Jessica Simpson catatonic drunk and ordering Jack in the Box reminds me of the good old days when Jessica would be your girlfriend if you listened to her whine on and on about her cheating gay dad. Life is much simpler when you’re fat. You won’t see that factoid in any Weight Watchers literature.