Toys You Never Wanted IV

The Final Installment of Shitty Toys

To be honest, I thought I was done after the second shitty toys article. But something made me come back for more. And now here we are. My fourth article about shitty toys. If you've read my previous articles, you know how I feel about certain toys. More specifically, bendable toys and total rip offs. I can't promise I won't cuss in this article. In fact, I definitely can't promise that. But what I can promise is that you'll see some shitty ass toys.

You may ask yourself, "why doesn't he make an article about good toys?". And I say, how many articles about He-Man's castle and GI Joe play sets can you people handle?

10. TMNT- New Mutation

Let's face it, by this time most of us were well grown out of TMNT. And the quality of the show didn't really inspire younger kids to go out and buy the toys. So I ask, who bought this? And this also goes into something I fucking hate. Which is dressing up the turtles in something they never wore, just so they can make more toys out of them. Just give me the turtles in their original garb and I'll think about it. But what the plastic sniffing fuck am I supposed to do with Mike dressed up as a clown?

What is Mike aiming to accomplish with this disguise? How is this better than his plain turtle costume with nunchucks. I'll give you a hint, it's fucking not. It's just a ploy by the toy company to make more money. In fact, that's the purpose of all toys...making money off stupid kids. Remember that.

9. Domino Rally

I'm not sure how popular this was, but I always figured this was aimed for children with no siblings to play board games with. I get the premise of it, and yes, it is kind of fun. What kid doesn't put up a bunch of dominos and knock them over? We all did. So naturally, let's forget this domino noise and just give kids plastic rectangles to knock over. Makes perfect sense.

And have you ever seen one of these after it's been used a few times? It's a fucking mess. It never goes back in the box correctly and it all slides around. You are guaranteed to lose at least 20-30 dominos. Years later you'll find these in random boxes and wonder what the hell it is.

8. Staring Line Up Sports Toys

Not being a huge fan of sports at any age in my life, these were as useless as two kangaroos fucking in Alaska. I mean, look at them. What kid actually played with these? Who wouldn't want to recreate the Cleveland Browns win over the Lions in the 1996 preseason game where they almost kicked a field goal? There's only one good reason to have these.

Seriously, if this was one of the few toys you had as a kid, you probably grew up to be a douchebag who doesn't like good toys.

7. Power Slam WCW figures (Dennis Rodman)

First of all, you're welcome. And I'll be the first to admit, I had some wrestling action figures when I was a kid. However this is just shit on shit with rice on the side. Let's just say Rodman's basketball career was the pinnacle of his ...well..career. I honestly can't even recall why he was in the WCW to begin with, or why they would even consider making a figure out of him. Regretfully this isn't a figure from his only movie.

For funsies, let's take a look at what the WCW thought he'd be good at.

Ok, so apparently he was a wrestler. But only a wrestler in the sense that corn dogs are pit bulls. However let's not take this too far. This is basically the same thing as when they called upon Robo Cop.

Well no, I take that back. That was awesome. We need more of this.

6. Fetch Armstrong

Stretch Armstrong was an awesome toy, and especially awesome when they re-released it in the 90's. There were of course two versions, a big version and smaller version. I believe they said he could stretch up to "4x" his normal length. Again, overall I would say it was a solid toy. Unless you pulled him too far...(but more on that later)

But Fetch Armstrong? Who's fucking idea was this? And come on, he can only stretch 2x his actual length? He's a fucking wiener dog, he should be able to stretch around the block if he wanted to. And let's take a look at that awesome black space in between the two parts? What is that? Fetch Armstrong's tube top? What is this Three's Company?

And do remember what happened to Stretch if you pulled him too far?

Stretch Hernia

Even though I said Stretch was a cool toy, the entertainment factor was relatively low. I mean, he was too large to really fit in with other figures. So playing with him meant that you and another friend just took either end of him and pulled as hard as you could. This usually resulted in a Stretch Hernia and then he was no good. If left untreated, a Stretch Hernia can result in Chronic Stiffness (goo hardening inside him) and then the fun is all gone.

Now back to Fetch Armstrong. So we've covered that he can't stretch that far and he's wearing a tube top. Generally, I'd say it sucks. But you may ask, "well, what stretchable dog should I get?".

I'm glad you asked!

5. Hook

At first I was hesitant to put Hook on here,but then I looked at how much Peter Pan looked like Robin Williams. This is another sign of a shitty toy, when it doesn't even come close to looking like the character it is supposed to be.

However I will admit there were a few cool things about this toy line. Mainly it was the sword. In fact it was all the sword. But now that I'm looking at the "hook", I'm kind of thinking I missed out.

I remember bringing the sword in for show and tell one time. I was super excited to show them how the bell inside worked and made it seem like it was clanging metal on metal. So here I was waiting patiently for my turn and all the sudden my friend "accidentally" knocks it off my desk and it clatters to the ground. Luckily the plastic didn't break, but the little bitch tit broke the bell. Next thing I know I'm going up there with an de-belled sword and almost nothing to talk about.

So basically, I don't think I had too many of these toys anyway. Which is probably good thing because they all look stupid. I do remember having lots of fun with these though.

These were pretty much the perfect happy meal bath toys. They floated, squirted and really couldn't break. But again, Peter Pan looked like shit and who the fuck wants a mermaid?

4. Terminator 2 - T-100

Now this thing just fucking blew. What made it even more disappointing was that there were so many AWESOME T-2 toys out there. But apparently you can't have everything and many kids ended up with that shitty version of T-100 and a slightly more awesome version of Arnold.

Now this is more like it. This was the Terminator toy to have. You got like 10 different arms. A powerful futuristic arm cannon that blew other toys to smithereens. And you could see half the terminator's face. But then they took it too far.

No one that I knew that had this really played with it a lot. I always saw it sitting on a shelf or at the bottom of the toy box. Why? Well it's too big for starters and second of all I don't remember it moving that much. This is one of those things that you get for a birthday present and lose interest in within a week.

3. Animorphs

Out of the things that transform into other things, I think we can all agree that Transformers did it best. However sometime in the 90's they decided that they'd ditch the "let's have a car turn into robot" schtick and branch out into pre-teen literature. The results: Animorphs Transformers.

As you can see from the picture, the results were...kind of scary. What they ended up making was a figure that could turn into an animal but only turn into a half formed human abomination.

I mean, did they even fucking try? This is the kind of shit that gives kids nightmares.

For those that don't know, Animorphs is a pre-teen adventure series where the kids turn into animals. Each cover featured a character that is "morphing" into an animal. I've never read the series but I can assume basically what happens. But if you're thinking "Gee, I wonder if they turned this into a tv series and a shitty toy line?", you're definitely onto something. To my knowledge the show was quickly canceled and the toys were not long for the world.

2. Addams Family

I'm not going to lie, I'm seriously running out of shitty toys to talk about. I'm not even sure that there's going to be a #1 on this list. So you can imagine my surprise when I see this little gem. Let's be real here for second though, this surely is a shitty toy. But I cannot remember this ever being on the shelf. By the picture, you can see this is a Kaybee Toys special. I mean, who the hell was buying this?

Gomez just looks like a creepy pedophile. And to my knowledge, the Addams Family cartoon series was a shitfest. So there really isn't much to say about this other than, it exists and it's shitty.

1.Back to the Future Power Wheel

Ok, don't flip out. At first glance, this is motorized plastic sex for kids. Probably in the history of toy ads, no toy ad will ever come close to being anywhere near as cool as this toy ad. However, advertisings a son of a bitch. A dirty, dirty son of a bitch. Because, once I looked up what this thing actually looked like in real life, my dreams were crushed.

Do you hear that? That's disappointment coming at you full force and in your face. There's another picture that makes it look a little better, but otherwise, it just doesn't live up to anyone's expectations. When you're a kid and you see this ad, you are EXPECTING there to be some fucking flames and possibly travel back to the future (or in most of our cases, forward to the future), but let's not get caught up in time paradoxes here.

And let's take a look at this thing actually moving.

Wow. Would you look at that, it putters along like a half charged scooter at Wal-Mart. Not to mention you're like the same size as the car. What ever happened making things a little more to scale? Even the Barbie convertible was sized so you could at least sit in it. This is just bullshit. It doesn't even have seats. I don't care how awesome it could potentially be, this thing just sucks. This thing is about as much as a Dolorean as a potato. In fact no, a potato is more of a Dolorean than this. But wait, let's take this a little further. Below is a list of things more like Doloreans than this motorized piece of junk.

I feel pretty good going out on this image. I hope you've enjoyed the series and had a good time hearing me rant about toys. I seriously doubt that there will be a 5th shitty toys article, but you never know. It took me a while to come up with this one.

Ok, never fucking mind.

Now this shit seriously pisses me the fuck off. This is what I have been looking for. A toy so full of shit and suck, it may collapse upon itself and take the known universe with it.

You have The Flintstone movie and a bendable toy. I'm not sure how much more shitty something could possibly get.

Oh god, what's happening? Where are these coming from? Who in their right mind would make these...

Stop it!

\

Mother of god.

Bend-Ems.

Made by "Just Toys" in the early 90's, Bend-Ems is no more. I cannot describe how much I hate these things. I hate literally everything about them. And just when you're like "hey, it's just a toy, it's not like it can hurt you"

Well I hate to break it to you, but it can! What do you think is inside these toys? That's right, metal fucking wires. Not just any metal wires but very pointy metal wires.

I must stop this. I have to stop this. I must...go back in time and stop Bend-Ems from ever being made.

Farewell.

edit: This is daash from the future. No time to explain. Mission a failure. They are on to me. Writing this to warn you.

edit 2: Bendable toys are great. I cannot wait to play with my Bend-Ems Son of the Mask action figure.

Your metaphors in your writing are not funny. They are actually quite off putting. Also, in regards to the Hook toys....the toy manufacture more then likely did not have the rights to Robin Williams' likeness, which is probably the reason why he doesn't resemble him. The video game industry does this constantly as well.

Really good article. Brought back some memories. I had the Hook toys and they were pretty bad. The Dennis Rodman action figure looks like it would be a cool collector's item to have. Also had the Addams Family toys and the Clown costume Michelangelo-reminded me of Homey the Clown back then. The first one you put of the Kowabunga Cruisin' Ralph is horrible-complete with the misspelling of the word "cowabunga."

AAHHHHHH!!! CLOWN TURTLE!! (Insert big, heavy sledge hammer here) KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!...Ahem, er I mean, good article. I remember those Hook bath toys, it was great fun having battles between Peter Pan and Hook in the bath tub. And the toy hand hook was pretty sick. I mean look at that thing, it looks like a cross between a hook and a swiss army knife. Damn! I also had two of those Animorphs figures, Marco and Jake (gorilla and tiger respectively). Not sure why though since I never read the books or watched the TV show. I also had that Domino Rally set but didn't get much use out of it. And that Power Wheels DeLorean is down right disappointing. And yes, bendables do suck. The Homer Simpson figure that SegaFanatic mentioned was a joke.

I personally loved Starting Lineup, but I rarely played with them (since they didn't work so well as a toy). I usually just set them up on a shelf and said "yeah, that certainly is Joe Montana in a throwing pose. Do your thing, Joe."

Funny stuff. Believe me, you didn't miss anything with the Hook toys. I had several and the lack of articulation made them no fun to play with. Hook's action feature was that his legs extended to make him taller, what does that have to do with the character at all?! He should have come with a "Boo Box" to stuff people in, THAT would have been awesome!

You're articles are always hilarious but interesting. DAMNIT do I hate Double Team, makes me sick that I have seen it and watched it from beginning to end PUUKKEEE!! I can't believe that the motorized Dolorean was ever made; a big pile of SHIT!!

You were very spot on with the toys you chose. I feel like we would have liked the same kind of toys. If you liked the hook sword, you should check out the he man sword from the "futuristic" he man show they made in the early 90's. Same idea only electronic and had more sounds. I will say it's been years since I've seen it but I used to love the Addams Family cartoon. Great article none the less.

This article taught me something for my next article: center the pictures and add a bit more humor. Great work, daash! Your ending made me laugh a lot. I had Bend-Ems, but I hated them because if the wires broke, BAM, no more articulation. Even without the wires, they barely moved. Especially the Homer Simpson one.

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Quote O' Matic

Beavis: "Damn it, all this wussy crap is pissing me off! C'mon, get violent! I wanna see some violence!"