'The Celebrity Apprentice' finale recap: Who wins - Penn or Trace?

It's all come down to this, people - Penn or Trace is about to be named the Celebrity Apprentice: All-Stars winner! But I wouldn't get too excited just yet, because we have a lot to get through. First there's an opening sequence featuring Donald Trump playing the harmonica (I kid you not), followed by the longest entrance ever as he walks into the studio at a snail's pace, and then seriously extended "previously on" and "tonight on" videos. I know finales always have a lot of padding but it's genuinely just shy of ten minutes before we actually get into the meat of the night...

Finally, we stumble breathlessly into the remaining footage of the final task (intercut with Donald praising his helpers Ivanka and Joan Rivers, and also him talking to the other celebrities - more of that later.)

You might remember from last week that Penn was struggling to cut his footage down to size, but he eventually decides to get rid of the "reveal" that Dennis helped out with the commercial's magic trick and show it as an outtake instead. So it's all very nicely wrapped up in about three minutes. Hurrah! "Despair turned to jubilation," Penn grins.

Anyway, the day of the presentation arrives and Trace is anxiously trying to get Tim Tebow to come visit and talking about how he has Jesus on his side ("Penn is the most ethical atheist I've ever met but I'm bringing Jesus. He's got Teller - they do magic tricks. But Jesus makes blind people see. It's unbelievable.") To be fair, if Trace actually got Jesus to attend his ice cream launch I'd be all for giving him the $250,000.

Then we get to see everyone setting up for their presentation (or, in Penn's case, Lisa and La Toya setting up - "This is the stuff that really, really matters to people other than me," he explains. I can relate to his complete disregard for decor, to be honest.) Meanwhile, Trace wants his presentation to include Gary Busey reprising his role as Buddy Holly for a performance. Trace is calm but even he has to admit that Gary is something of a "loose cannon".

In a break from the task, Penn and Teller do a trick, which I think is entirely so Trump can introduce the next segment by saying: "Let's see Penn and Trace work their magic." Oh dear. Anyway, it's ice cream social night and everyone's starting to arrive for the event. Penn's getting a load of money coming in from his Las Vegas friends, and Marilu - on Trace's team - is starting to get a little nervous. The best bit is clearly when the Blue Man Group arrive and Trace is just completely befuddled by their existence.

Anyway, things start turning around for Trace as his own donors arrive with big cheques of their own. Plus, he has good celebrities like Billy Ray Cyrus and Wynonna Judd. The only problem is that his beloved Tim Tebow hasn't shown up, and he's worried the big money he's promised won't make it time. Marilu looks like she might wet herself with anxiety, but Tebow does eventually show up with a $100,000 check, so that's all nice.

Finally, Donald Trump himself arrives to some seriously dramatic music and - after a little ice cream tasting - the presentations can begin. Penn is first, and takes to the stage with loads of showgirls. He speaks about his ice cream flavor, shouts out to his friends in the crowd, does some trickery with Teller, shows the video (and the Dennis outtake), and generally does really quite well. "That's hard to compete with," Trace acknowledges.

But compete he must, as Trace is up next. He shows his commercial, which goes down a storm because please, who doesn't love a bit of Gary Busey dancing? Marilu's feeling confident, anyway. Then Trace has a little sing song himself - even Donald has a boogie which makes the studio audience laugh - before Gary gets up to do his Buddy Holly thing. And that's it for the task!

The task footage is interspersed with the former contestants returning for a little chat with Donald - minus Bret, who was conspicuous by his absence. Where was he? Anyway, let's find out what everyone had to say:

Omarosa: Donald wants to know why Omarosa - who is dressed like a Disney princess - is so confrontational. "I learned it all from you," she replies. Fair. She also claims she has no problems with La Toya, but what she said about Michael Clarke Duncan was "disgusting" (see here for more on that).

Stephen Baldwin: Stephen obviously apologizes for his amazing post-firing anti-Donald rant. "I was upset - I'm an artist, and an actor, and an emoter." Donald is appeased.

Dee Snider: Dee says he realized on the show that while he's creative, he's not as fast as the show demands. And he says he couldn't let someone else get fired when he was responsible. "Isn't he a terrific guy?" Donald asks (announces).

Claudia Jordan: Donald wants to know why Claudia didn't bring Omarosa into the boardroom - doesn't everyone? She says that she thought he had a soft spot for her and there was no point. Plus, she points out that it gave Omarosa less air time ("good for America"). But are they friends now? "Absolutely not." (By the way, Omarosa thinks Claudia was "scared" of her.)

Brande Roderick: Brande says she struggled this season because of the "craziness and the fighting". "It just was not harmonious at all," she declares.

Dennis Rodman: Donald doesn't care about Dennis's performance on the show - instead he wants to know about his rather spectacular mohican ("I think I want your barber" - seriously, Donald, your hair is discussed enough.) And he also wants to know about Dennis's trip to North Korea and his meeting with Kim Jong-Un. Dennis says he was a good guy to him, shook his hand, laughed and smiled. "I don't care what he does beside that," he adds. Um, I kind of do Dennis, sorry.

Lil Jon: Donald says Lil Jon was fantastic and asks him why he had to leave the show. "You fired me," Lil Jon points out, proving that he has a bigger grasp on the concept than Trump. "I guess I did," Trump muses.

Lisa: As for Lisa, Donald wants to know how she changed to do so much better on this season than her first go. She says she "lucked out" because Trace picked her for his very strong team. And that's that!

With the presentations over, it's time for some boardroom fun. First, Donald wants to know what Trace was like as a project manager: Marilu says he was "fantastic" and "the master", Gary says he was "excellent in every way", and Lil Jon says he and Trace can communicate without even speaking. Meanwhile, Trace says he had an advantage considering he's been in the final before - he was much calmer compared to last year, when he was a "mangled piece of meat" and a "complete wreck".

Time for Penn - La Toya says he was "fabulous, absolutely wonderful" and Dennis thinks he was "cool" and "right on". And Lisa says that Penn had an idea for their commercial basically before they even started work. For his part, Penn says he feels "very happy" and suggests that he feels much better about the show this season He also takes the opportunity to go on about how "honest" and "real" the show is, which Donald obviously loves. "Let's face it - I should get an Emmy every single year but they hate me so badly, these morons... I don't care." Kind of sounds like you do, Donald.

Anyway, it's time to find out what Walgreens thought of the ice cream, since that's kind of the point. For Penn, they loved the name "swirtle", the ice cream flavor, the brand integration, the video, the use of magic, and the "on point" presentation. What they didn't like was the packaging, which they thought blended in with the other packages a bit too much (though Ivanka basically admits that they were scraping the barrel for a negative.)

As for Trace, they liked the star power of Gary singing because they thought it could go viral. They also loved the "mash-up" name, which they thought could appeal to a younger audience... but they thought maple as a flavor was "too specific" (no, me neither.)

But it's also about the money (though not entirely). It turns out in ticket sales Penn managed to raise $503,655. As for Trace he pulled in a total of $664,000 - but Tim Tebow's check was late (!) so he raised $564,000 in the end. He scrapes the win but will Penn take it overall? Before everyone leaves the boardroom, though, Donald shows off his benevolence a little more by giving $20,000 to Gary, La Toya and Dennis's charities, because they didn't win any money themselves. Isn't that nice? Mind you, given that he dismisses them by saying: "Remember Donald Trump is a very nice person" I don't know that it was completely altruistic.

Penn and Trace take the stage

Penn and Trace finally come out to greet the studio audience, and Donald wants to know how they're feeling. Trace is actually doing pretty well, since he's not up against Piers Morgan this time (he says he couldn't stand him, and suddenly I warm to Trace a little more.) Trace says he thinks he's won this! Meanwhile, Penn again says that he much preferred this time on The Celebrity Apprentice and says he met a "friend for life" in Trace. Aww.

Well, Donald has a "special announcement" - Walgreens will donate $100,000 to the charity of the finalist who sold the most ice cream. Both Trace and Penn think it could be them - surprisingly. But the winner is announced, and it's Penn! So that's lovely.

But if you thought we'd find out the winner now, you'd be sadly mistaken. First of all we get a montage of Gary moments, followed by him discussing the way his mechanical dog has been turned into a lawnmower which I can't even begin to pretend to understand. Then it's an Omarosa montage, which is not entirely pleasant (when it's a battle between her and Piers and she comes off worse by repeating: "Your momma should know", then you know it's bad.)

Anyway, Omarosa says she's all about "making good TV" but it didn't please La Toya, who announces that she doesn't think they will ever be friends ("never"). She adds that she never said anything bad about Michael Clarke Duncan, which prompts such a screaming fight between the pair that Gary stands up in an attempt to keep them apart. Oh, the joys of live television. "Abandon the show!" he yells excitedly. Let's move swiftly on.

Actually, we move on from fights to charities, which is an altogether more palatable subject. First, we visit Opportunity Village with Penn who - back in the studio - gets all choked up as he speaks about wearing a scarf that the people at the center made for him. "You do have a heart!" Donald gasps. After Donald quizzes Marilu and Dennis on who they think should win - Marilu goes for Trace, and Dennis thinks they're all winners - it's time for us to see Trace's charity, the American Red Cross. To showcase it, Trace and his family meet Susie, who helped them following their house fire.

You might think that this would be the moment when the winner was announced, but no. Instead, we get a performance from Trace, with Penn on bass. The best thing about this is seeing it introduced by Joan Rivers, who jokes about how tall the guys are ("higher than Lindsay Lohan on a bad day". Is that actionable?) But once the performance is over, Donald announces that it's time to "get down to business". You think?

Trace is the first to say why he should win - he says he's raised the most money, and was the MVP six times - plus he thinks he beat him in the ice cream task (kind of, but then Penn's sold better, so...) As for Penn, he says though Trace won six MVPs, he won five. He points out that he's playing for a local charity, which is kind of a disadvantage. He adds that he and Trace were close in the money stakes and his presentation was better.

Joan and Ivanka have their say, before Donald interrupts to announce he's going to do something The Celebrity Apprentice has never done before (for a moment I think he's going to name Penn and Trace joint winners, but no.) Instead, he invites Lil Jon up and says that he was a "great character" this season, before publicly revealing that Lil Jon's mother passed away from complications from a diabetes-induced stroke. I'm so glad Lil Jon has sunglasses on, because this is so uncomfortable - I just feel bad for him.

Anyway, Donald does do a very nice thing by giving $100,000 to Lil Jon's charity, the American Diabetes Association, but to fill time before the next commercial break there's extended applause and time-filling and hugs as Lil Jon discreetly tries to wipe his tears away. I'm glad for the ADA, but I do feel bad for Lil Jon and hope he's okay. It actually all goes on for so long that I almost wonder if this is Lil Jon being named the winner in some kind of game-changing twist. Or maybe I'm just desperate.

But we're getting there - first, though, Donald confronts Penn about the "really bad things" he said about Mr Trump following his elimination last season. Penn insists that he has changed his mind, but that's clearly a blot on Penn's copybook. As for Trace, he praises the Red Cross again and thinks he should win since he had the best ice cream, commercial, show, biggest celebrities and most money. I'm not sure about all of that, but okay.

Here we go, though - Donald Trump names the winner and it is Trace Adkins! Yep, Trace has done it - and while I don't entirely agree that he's the one who should have triumphed, I can't complain about all the money this show has raised for charity. So there we go! It's all over, and Donald has teased that the next season of Celebrity Apprentice is being cast as we speak. Get ready, people...