Trump Investigates Op-Ed Leaker

September 9, 2018

Like a water buffalo President Trump marches back and forth in front of top aides in the White House ballroom, waits till he senses fear, and roars, “I’m going to give lie detector tests to every one of you then have you strip searched, whatever it takes to find out who wrote that lying Op-Ed column in the failing New York Times. You’ve all sworn a personal oath to me. Breaking that oath is treason. I demand the New York Times and its loser editors identify the criminal. Who’d write that many of you are working to frustrate my worst inclinations? I’ve given us the greatest economy ever. I should be celebrated. Raise your hands if you agree.”

Using cameras and electronic tablets, several secret service agents verify everyone raises a hand.

“The Op-Ed traitor also claims I’m anti-trade and a bully. I’m just defending us. I love great trade. But we’ve been treated unfairly for decades, and I’m finally doing something about it. Who understands that I’m a brilliant backer of fair trade? Hold up your hands.”

Trump studies the group.

“The Op-Ed coward says I’m against democracy. Some of you supposedly feel the same way. I don’t believe that. I love freedom more than anyone and am ready to sacrifice lives, millions if necessary, to protect our liberty. How many understand I’m the most pro-democracy man in the world?”

Everyone raises at least one hand.

“Who the hell would think I’m acting in ways detrimental to the health of our republic? I’m saving the country from immigrants and liberals and nuclear madmen. Go ahead. Let me know if you think I’m making America great again.”

No one fails to raise a hand.

An agent hands Trump a piece of paper he reads. “Our Op-Ed enemy doesn’t like my leadership style and uses a lot of big words to describe it – ‘impetuous, adversarial, petty, ineffective.’ Only idiots believe that nonsense. In fact, I’m bold, tough, and effective. If you agree, let me see your hands.”

Referring to the same paper, Trump says, “Our traitor claims I ‘rant’ and often make ‘half-baked and reckless decisions.’ Didn’t you see the Republican debates in the primary? I was the only cool cookie in the bunch. If you know I’m not an unstable blabbermouth, put your hands in the air.”

Trump smiles, and tries to look at everyone in the room before he says, “The press is the enemy of the nation. Raise your hands if that’s true.”

Several high-tech agents surround Trump and tell him he’s unanimously confirmed as great.

“Ladies and gentlemen, rest assured, I’m going to preserve our freedom by sending federal troops to occupy that cave of traitors called the New York Times.