Late-Night Laughs

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

A Good Laugh

Sep 01, 2008

Jay Leno: “Quite a historic day. Barack Obama
accepted the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.
Barack gave his speech on the historic anniversary of Martin Luther King’s
‘I Have a Dream’ speech. And just two days after Hillary Clinton
gave her ‘I Had a Dream’ speech.”

Jay Leno: “Did you see that Mount Olympus-style
backdrop they had for Barack’s speech, with the big columns on it?
Little over the top, do you think, huh? Like, when they introduced him
as ‘Barack, son of Zeus,’ that seemed over the top.”

Jay Leno: “And last night during his speech,
Bill Clinton promised to do everything he could to help Barack Obama win
the election. And then Hillary said, ‘That’s nice. But you
know Bill. Keeping promises is not his strong suit.’”

Jay Leno: “At one point this week, police in
Denver had a showdown with over 300 protestors, ended up pepper spraying
them. And since, of course, it was Denver and they were Democrats, it
was only fresh ground pepper spray.”

Jay Leno: “John Edwards was not at the convention,
actually. But, like his marriage, he was there in spirit.”

Jay Leno: “Well, there was a rumor that McCain
might pick former eBay CEO Meg Whitman as his running mate. That makes
sense. You know, she’s an expert at selling Americans really old
stuff.”

Jay Leno: “And archaeologists are now saying
that based on the latest findings, Neanderthals…are a lot smarter
than they previously gave them credit for. Today, President Bush asked
these same researchers to analyze his Presidency.”

David Letterman: Top Ten Surprises In Barack Obama’s
Democratic National Convention Address.

“10. Delivered speech in a bright orange pantsuit.
9. Wants to change October to ‘Barack-tober.’
8. Most of speech was devoted to his Labor Day barbecue cole slaw recipe.
7. Outlined plan for America, then took calls about the Broncos defense.
6. Kept saying to John Kerry, ‘Hey, why the long face?’ –
it’s funny every time!
5. Twelve-and-a-half minutes of, ‘Testing-one-two.’
4. Performed hilarious ventriloquist act with Dennis Kucinich on his lap.
3. Promised to make Pluto a state.
2. Plans to bring peace to Lo and Audrina on ‘The Hills.’
1. Also pronounces ‘nuclear,’ ‘nucular.’”

David Letterman: “Last night, Barack Obama was
officially nominated Democratic candidate for President of the United
States. … And I want to tell you something. I really think things
are starting to look bad for Hillary.”

David Letterman: “Oh! This is exciting. John
McCain now has finally decided on his vice president. Yeah. The only question
now is from which house will he make the announcement?”

David Letterman: “And then tonight,” Barack
Obama “speaks to the convention, and they moved it to the stadium
there in Denver. They’re getting, like, 75,000 people. And I’m
telling you, the construction crew has been working around the clock,
painting the stadium, scrubbing the stadium, plastering. It’s the
same team that works on Nancy Pelosi.”

Conan O’Brien: “Barack Obama says he’s
planning to get his daughters a dog if he’s elected president.”
Most “voters asked think he should get a poodle,” proving
“that Americans are not only ready for a black president, they’re
also ready for a gay first dog.”

Conan O’Brien: “Tomorrow -- this is a little
fun fact for you -- both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate
their birthday. … Yeah, so it will be the birthday of an old white
guy and John McCain.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Al Gore…spoke tonight”
at the Democratic National Convention. It “was good to see Al Gore.
With all the talk about global warming and all he does for the environment,
I had forgotten how boring he is.”