The One Thing You Should Learn From Happy Couples

What is the real secret to having a happy and loving relationship? When I give you the answer, you will probably be surprised. But first, ask yourself this question: What do happy, satisfied couples have that I don't?

You may think that happy, satisfied couples know better how to maintain a strong sense of commitment than you do. Maybe they do, but why?

You may think that couples with smiling faces know how to communicate more effectively. That may be true as well, but why is that?

Why is it that happy couples know how to fight more effectively and resolve conflicts more smoothly? And why is it that some of them still hold hands, stay close to one another, and appear to have something you can't find anywhere—romance?

The good news is that what you're looking for—the key to ridding yourself of the frustration, anger, disappointment, and hidden resentments that drive you to the breaking point in relationships—is already within you.

That's right: You need to turn to yourself—not your partner. I know this is hard because we all have been conditioned to think that another person is supposed to make us happy. So many of us have been duped into thinking that if he just changed this one thing, or if she could just get a grip about (fill in the blank), then we would finally be happy.

Now let me pause to say this: You did not get into your relationship to be treated poorly, ignored, or abandoned. Being abused or denigrated, subjected to reckless spending, deprived of a sex life, or forced to put up with problematic, immature behavior is not what I'm asking of you. If this is occurring in your relationship, your partner needs to make major changes. Individual and couple's counseling may be needed. And if your partner will not cooperate with counseling, you need to face the fact that he or she will probably never change, and then to decide to try living with him or her the best you can, or move on to a new and hopefully more satisfying relationship. I am all for trying to save relationships, but in the face of repeated hurts and insensitivity, it may be best to move on.

But assuming nothing so egregious is going on, here's what you can take from those happy, satisfied couples—the ones who beat the odds and don't split up or simply stick it out for the sake of the kids—because they do tend to have a strong commitment to each other and communicate effectively. They are able to fight fairly and resolve conflicts. And they know how to be romantic.

Here's their secret, above and beyond anything else: They have a better, more realistic, and healthy way of thinking about each other.

As I describe in my book, Why Can't You Read My MInd?, it is this way of thinking that enables couples to improve communication, solve problems, and enhance romance. This true foundation for a happy relationship, this elusive secret to your success, can only be found in one place—your own mind.

The couples I've worked with over the past 22 years who have made it together are those who have been able to recognize and address the pervasive yet little-known relationship problem I call toxic thinking. Toxic thoughts—"You are totally selfish!" "Everything always has to be about you!"—erode our empathy and destroy our love. Couples who can avoid or overcome toxic thoughts are more satisfied. They remain, against the odds, a unified force. They are the ones who make me think, with great conviction, "If anyone has a chance at lasting happiness, they do."

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over 20 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy. He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared on the The Today Show, Court TV as an expert advisor, CBS Eyewitness News Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC, and public radio. Dr. Bernstein has authored four books, including the highly popular 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2006), 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (Perseus Books 2007), and Why Can't You Read My MInd?

"Toxic thoughts such as, "You are totally selfish!", or "Everything always has to be about you!" erode empathy and destroy love."

But you know what? Sometimes such thoughts are an objective reflection of reality and aren't toxic at all. For example, I buy my spouse a fabulous getaway for his 50th birthday, and for my 45th he gets me...nothing, because he has just bought himself a new bike and has no money left over. We go on vacation, we go where he wants to go, never where I'd like to visit. Should I assert myself and ask to deviate from his rigid itinerary to visit something I'd like to see, he throws an adult tantrum and makes me pay for my transgression with days of him being pissy. And on and on, example after example, year after year. His way or the highway -- so I hit the road. And now I'm happy.

I recently saw a testimony about a spell caster of some sort in a blog I visit for relationship and dating counseling problems because i had been having serious problems with my husband and we had been dating for 1 year, He just suddenly changed, He wasn't returning my calls, He started cheating, He was hurting me in so many ways i never thought possible and I just thought I should try this spell caster called Dr Saibaba, I decided to contact him to please render his help to me, I explained all the problems that i was going through to him and he told me all i needed to do to get this spell casted. At first everything felt dreamy and unbelievable, Their consultations and solution was a little bit easy and strange and I was scared a little. I did what he ask me to do and faith and I was sent some few stuffs after everything and it worked like a miracle, everything went to a whole new direction, it was and is amazing. I guess it was all good faith that made me read That particular post that faithful day.I hope they could help other people too like they did to me. I did a little and I got everything I wanted and wished for, My husband, My family and my life back You can contact Dr Saibaba at, templesaibaba@yahoo.com

We bloggers are taught to use catchy titles to snag rapid scanners attention, all well and good. However, it perpetuates one of my pet grips: the myth that others know a secret I don't and all I have to to is know that secret and what I want, in this case a "happy relationship" will magically be mine.

What if the author say, "Well in effect, there is no secret, just hard work," the reader says, "That's no fun and certainly not very magical or exciting." They stop reading and learn nothing.

What is the secret to flying a big jet airliner? There is none. Just lots of hard, long hours learning skills of safe piloting.

Same with marriage, couples and relationships: no secrets, just constant focus on using good communication and relationship skills.

What I took from this article was that all the finger-pointing gets the relationship nowhere. If I have a problem with something my partner does, then that problem is my own. Before trying to correct what my partner's doing "wrong," I should reflect and understand what my role is in the dynamic.

Focus and communication are necessary, but more effective if directed internally.

The author didn't use the word "secret" in the title of his article. It states right in the title that it's something for you to "learn"...no magic involved. Regardless of it being "one thing", he wasn't lying - he says it's looking inward, not focusing on our SO to make us happy.

We bloggers are taught to use catchy titles to snag rapid scanners attention, all well and good. However, the use of the word "secrets" perpetuates one of my pet grips: the myth that others know something I don't and all I have to to is know that secret and what I want, in this case a "happy relationship" will magically be mine.

What if the author say, "Well in effect, there is no secret, just hard work," the reader says, "That's no fun and certainly not very magical or exciting." They stop reading and learn nothing.

What is the secret to flying a big jet airliner? There is none. Just lots of hard, long hours learning skills of safe piloting.

Same with marriage, couples and relationships: no secrets, just constant focus on using good communication and relationship skills.

Avoid things like "always" and "never" isn't only for couples it's for anyone. Being black or white makes people want to reply "i don't always or sometimes i do..." wich is defensive. It's better to say "often" or something like that, and express what you need and not only what the other "should" do without giving explanations

is that it's not just a matter of hard work and commitment. It takes a certain type of personality to make a relationship work in the long run, and some people are just not suited for that. It's easy to label people selfish or uncaring, but not everybody gets their fulfillment - or even worse, validation - from being bound to another. Or at least the same other year after year after year. Especially the male of the species, acting under an evolutive imperative to "go forth and replicate your genes"...

My name is Olive Perry from USA After being in relationship with smith for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a PROPHET harry that could help me pray to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in prayers, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the Prophet harry email prophetharryprayerhome@yahoo.com, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before two days, that my ex will return to me before two days, he pray for me and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by reffering him or her to the only real and powerful Prophet who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email prophetharryprayerhome@yahoo.com) you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything.