Over the weekend I read a Tweet about a guy who bid $4,500 in a charity eBay auction for a lunch “date” with Alison Brie
of “Community” and “Mad Men” fame, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s just so crazy to me that someone would do that. I’m not saying
Alison Brie isn’t lovely company or that charity isn’t all
charitable-like or that lunch isn’t delicious. I am saying,
this is creepy, right? Like, unavoidably creepy. We pass it off as
charity, but in effect, some dude paid over four grand to have the least
important meal of the day with a pretty celebrity who would never eat
so much as a mid-meal snack with him otherwise. No matter how sweet,
polite or conversational he turns out to be, that’s the reality: He paid
her to eat with him. And if we learned anything from Patrick Dempsey’s
non-award winning turn in “Can’t Buy Me Love” it’s that you can’t buy
yourself love, and if you try high school kids will think you’re weird
and reject you. That point doesn’t seem as salient as it did in my head.
Whatever, I’m getting off-course.

I don’t remember what charity is benefited by this act of perverse
generosity. My guess is, neither does the highest bidder. I mean, I’m
sure he donates a lot (of sperm) to his church (a candle-lit shrine to
Alison Brie in his basement), but we all know he wasn’t in this for the
giver’s glow, or even the tax credit. He didn’t even really donate
money to charity. He’s giving Alison Brie $4500 to have lunch with him,
and she’s donating it to charity. He shouldn’t even be able to call it
charity. She is committing two acts of charity: 4500 bucks AND an hour
and a half of her time (an hour for lunch and half hour to shower off
his company).

It’s a very nice thing she’s doing, enduring this man’s Creep Factor
without personal benefit. And all in all, there’s nothing objectionable
about it. But still, there are ways this story could be better.
Obviously, it would be better if the guy just gave money to charity
without expecting something in return. Lots of people give money to
charity, and usually it isn’t for the thank-you tee shirt. This guy
acted charitably because, for $4500, his thank-you tee shirt came with
Alison Brie in it. For exactly one hour. In a well-lit, public
location. His treat.

The less obvious way this story could be improved is by removing
charity from it altogether. What if Alison Brie was hooking out her
lunches; auctioning off an hour of her midday to perverts just because
the money was right? That would be so deplorable I’d have to love her
for it. I might even get a few friends together and go in on a round of
appetizers with the old gal.

Probably to keep people like me from contacting him, eBay did not
publicize the name of the winning bidder. So if I want to know his
identity I’ll have to stalk Alison Brie day and night, taking note of
the men she lunches with and cataloging them according to creepiness and
frequency of interaction. I’ll have to study her every move; every
contact; every relationship; think about her constantly. Only then will I
be able to reveal this pervert for the creepozoid that he is. Wait a
minute . . . but that would make me . . . a hero! Because that guy’s a
creepozoid!

My name is Ben and this blog can’t come within 500 feet of Alison Brie.