Spoof news stories from Sunday 18 September 2011

Or at least a nomination for the awards given by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences.
The Queen has complained to friends, "Almost every time you turn on the boob tube, there I am -- attending a family wedding, presiding at a charity event, visiting a museum, attending a polo match. Whatever. In addition, my family provides constant fodder for tabloid TV shows and movies-of-the-week...

The British Olympic Committee has approached Andrew Lloyd Webber to produce the choreography for the London 2012 Olympics.
"He is the perfect choreographer," said Seb Coe, who is inexplicably in charge of the whole thing. "He typifies British Big...

Dallas Cowboy's Q-Back (no pun intended) is said to be a target of an investigation of the NFL's Drug Police after it was revealed that the effeminate, fumble fingered signal caller had resorted to several shots of testosterone prior to Sunday's ga...

It may be early days yet, but it seems that Man United just do what they want, when they want, and there doesn't seem to be too much that anyone can do about it.
Today's game against Chelsea was hyped up to high heaven as youth versus experience,...

It has been reported that Britain's spy service, better known as MI6 has seized a number of copies of the satirical book: The Dorking Review
This action has been taken following 'high level' pressure from members of the government's 'Public Order'...

Sunday's "massive" football fixtures provided no end of fun for fans watching on TV according to a local expert.
Sky viewers were able to enjoy Spurs' demolition of Liverpool 4-0, before the football feast was continued as Manchester United beat C...

Over the moon Spurs boss, 'Happy' Harry Redknapp, basked in the glow of reflected glory this afternoon as Spurs hammered nine man Liverpool 4-0, with goals from Modric, Defoe, and a brace from Adebayor.
It was a well deserved victory, as the White...

The iPhone is possibly the most expensive smart phone on the market, but many would argue that the interface is worth every penny/cent (*delete as country appropriate).
Now Google's operating system, Android, has the answer. An iPhone-like interfa...

Recently sacked Minister of Austerity, Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly is claiming the real reason behind the government's decision to scrap food 'sell by' dates is not to stop perfectly safe food from being wasted, but is in fact a first step tow...

Whilst most Britons believed that politicians had done their best to combat the rise of most abhorrent dances, an overwhelming majority were still critical of MP's delectation for the 'twist and shout'.
This latest poll, published in the Indepen...

A day has passed in Paris without a single demonstration, leaving locals and commuters in a state of disbelief. No one has witnessed Paris so deserted since the day French citizens were called to defend their capital all the way back in 1940.
A G...

A doctor has discovered that disgraced former Sky Sports anchor, Richard Keys, is in fact more ape than man.
The discovery came when the fifty year old was undergoing his routine hair removal procedure. The doctor, who has been treating Mr. Keys f...

A Russian soldier has been bestowed his country's highest honour when he was given the title of chief war criminal at a lavish ceremony of the Russian Oscars held at the Kremlin yesterday.
Other awards such as biggest civilian massacre and best nu...

A leading scientist has created a formula that proves that lives in the third world are worth less.
The breakthrough discovery will allow people to identify with that feeling of complete indifference whenever a colossal lose of human life occurs i...

London - An explosion of scare-in-the-community numbers is being blamed on alien-tampered wheat that's infiltrated the national food chain.
"You've only got to look at some Wiltshire residents' faces to see those Darwinian throwback genes surfac...

One of the major headaches facing all iPhone users is what to do should they lose their phone.
"I'm mortally terrified that I will lose my phone," said App World! editor, Mac Buck. "It's got my life on it."
This has led to the clinically identi...

Everybody has found themselves three hundred miles from home, and suddenly thought "Did I leave the oven on", or "I didn't set the PVR to record Antiques Roadshow".
New to the Apple iStore is iHome, which solves all of these problems or less.
"...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter Twent-six: Into the offenders relocation digs
The next day, I went off to work at Tesco, and after while I got call from dear mummy.
She had got me somewhere to live. (Which I thought I'd already got before she stopped paying the rent, emptied the gas and electricity meters, flogged off...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter Twenty-four: Mummy Returns - Work Commences
Just as I was about to leave school at 14 years of age, Mummy re-appeared on the scene after about 3 years.
And Dad once more relented and took her back in, a move he much regretted later. (So did I)
Dad got me job as goffer and van lad at...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter Twenty-two: SPORTS: Ahead on points...
Another chance for me to prove my sporting prowess came in the boxing competition.
I'm not sure how they graded the competitors, but I (all 4ft 2in and 4 stone soaking wet of me) was matched against a 5' 8' 10 stone dude! The school Gym master in h...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter Twenty: Mummy Returns Again
Mummy returned: full of the usual false compassion and commitment.
The real surprise was she bought me a little red haired puppy dog!
Because of its colouring, I called it 'Rusty', my first and last dog. It lived in a Heinz bean box behind the chair in the...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter Seventeen: Mummy Flees Again - the Bailiffs Call
Yes you've guessed it, dear mummy did yet another bunk.
However, the events this time, were more interesting: the night after she left, dad and I were sat by the fire, when the door was knocked upon, Dad (a rarity when I was available) an...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter Fifteen: Mater Goes Again
Mater did another bunk, and dad got us a new tin bath (well second hand as our old one was just beyond any more repair) which I thought was marvellous, but guess who had to keep boiling pans of water on the stove, topping the bath up, and then using the cold dirty...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter Thirteen: Just one of Dad's famous 'Nice Walks'
Dad thought it was a treat to take me on a marathon walk occasionally. We'd take no food, just a bottle of tap water.
We'd walk for miles and miles, always eventually stopping near an orchard in, Bingham, Plumtree, Ruddington, or Bunny, th...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter Eleven: A Penny for the Pain
Dad, being Dad, he spent nothing if it could be avoided, he even used to pull my teeth with his cobbling pliers.. lifting me in the sink to catch the blood, gritting his teeth, taking a mega-firm grip, and yanking out the offending tooth (and often the wrong on...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter Nine: Mother does another bunk again
Dad insisted that I came home from school, cleaned out the fire grate, chopped some wood, and laid the fire in readiness for his arrival home from work.
He considered it a waste of money if I lit the fire before he got in. Also I was to ready a meal...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter Eight: The Magical Marvellous Mystery of Auntie Mabel
Note: I originally intended to leave this emprise out of this story, but decided even writing about it for the first time, brought a warm, comforting glow back to my lonely soul, so I put it in!
One Friday night, mother dear gently...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter Five: The Backyard and my burning hair
Our row of soot covered old terrace houses, backed up lopsided against the railway viaduct that carried the main London railway-line and others, with Arkwright Street Station above our house, with a narrow back yard, outside toilets and coal houses bu...

A story of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, and poverty, starting in August 1947
Chapter One: The Arrival
It must have been a moving moment when the mid-wife handed the new born bundle of gooey 1lb 12oz of scrawny baby, wrapped tenderly in a bloodied pillow case, over into the hands of its loving Park Drive smoke and ash covered mother, as she lay cursing the father of this un...

Washington DC: FBI agents, brandishing warrants, raided the downtown offices of the Food Police. Rumors have been circulating on Capitol Hill that the organization has been disrupting the nation's comfort food supply.
No arrests were made, but FB...

It's hard to be funny when you can't take what people say, manipulate the words a bit, and then make the people sound like asses.
Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann take the manipulating out of the equation.
Said one out-of-work parody writer, "Y...