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9 Questions Moms Across the Land Are Tired of Answering

I
get it. I do. There’s just something about babies that brings out the Barbara
Walters in a lot people. These sweet, new, tiny human beings make folks feel
like they can ask the mothers basically anything and, moreover, they expect us
to be naturally ready with answers to all their queries — from the innocent to
the downright intrusive.

The
first few times we — if I may employ the Royal "We" here — are pretty OK with
answering a couple of these questions. We’re even OK with responding to the
same one a few times over. But there comes a moment where the line in
the sand gets drawn and we’re done.

Maybe it’s the confluence of sleep
deprivation and the ice-cold realization that our old life is at the bar
laughing about us, and it all comes to a head. You’ve been asked that question too many times and it’s
only causing the stress in the pit of your stomach to mount up at the back of
your throat, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth. And if you had your
druthers, you would look at the next person who rolls up on you toting those
dingy queries with steely eyes and say: “Eff off! No, not yet!” It’s what I
like to call FONNY™ (pronounced: phony).

Do you really want to know if Little Pumpkin is hitting the potty in time? Yeah. Didn’t think so.

Now,
because we’re friends, and I want your
friends and relations to be aware of the thin ice on which they are walking, here
are nine of their questions that need to be voted off the island. Print it out
and mail it over to them, with a real stamp and everything, because this is
legit business.

Is she
sleeping through the night yet?

Is he getting along with baby yet?

Did you wean her off breastfeeding yet?

Is she
walking/talking/crawling yet?

Is he
potty-trained yet?

Did you find a babysitter yet?

Did you go back to work yet?

Are you guys having sex yet?

Are you trying for the boy/girl yet?

There’s
nothing mean-spirited or rude about any of these questions. (Except that sex
one. That is definitely pushing into nosy, “I beg your pardon?” territory.) In
fact, I’m sure the inquiries are often conversation-starters and a sweet story
could be tucked in somewhere behind the curiosity.

And that’s fine and good,
but you know what else it folded in there as well? Annoyance. We are already
tired, because motherhood. So having to face down the sleeping through the
night thing for the eleven-teenth time is not high on anyone’s list of More of This, Please.

Great.
It’s settled, then. Unless you’re a pediatrician or another mother in trenches,
skip these questions. From here on, the blanket answer is FONNY. And it’s
always going to be FONNY.

Instead, ask us how we feel about kale smoothies (approve)
or Mindy and Danny as TV’s best couple (yes). Get our take on Benedict
Cumberbatch (still don’t get it) or whether adults should be into YA novels
(reading is reading is reading).

Any of these topics will net you a more warm
and pleasant tête-à-tête with moms than those other Qs. Trust. Besides, do you really want to know if Little Pumpkin is
hitting the potty in time? Yeah. Didn’t think so.