Mr. & Mrs. Clark, who have been married for sixty wonderful years, two of the richest people in the world, travel all over the globe giving lectures on financial success and happiness.
At one of their presentations in Germany a man in the crowd stood up and asked Mr. Clark, “Sir, you travel world with your wife continuously at your side. In fact, you two are never ever seen apart from one another. Tell us, what is your secret to your long happy marriage?”
Mr. Clark looks at the man and says,” it beats kissing her good-bye.”.

A woman went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
“Look, I need to tell you that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
“New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

One day, Mrs. Clark received a letter from her sister from France. The letter said that she will be in town that evening and would like to visit.

Mr. Clark who was settling down in his chair with crisps and ale preparing for an afternoon watching the Rugby match between England & Scotland when Mrs. Clark called on him.

“Henry, sis is coming to visit tonight and I want to make her favorite dish for supper.” Which was es-car-got. ” I need you to go to the market and buy fresh snails so I can have everything ready for her when she arrives. But in no circumstances shall you stop off at the pub and drink because you know how you get, or by the good Queens name I will have your hide!!”

So Mr. Clark puts on his hat & coat and grumbling heads to the market. On his way he passes the local pub, and through the window he sees all his mates drinking and cheering on their favorite rugby team. Mr. Clark is tempted to go in, but he is instantly reminded of the stern warning of his wife. So he continues to the market.

At the market he asks the clerk for two dozen fresh snails. The clerk places the snails carefully into a box and hands it to Mr. Clark, who quickly pays the man and hurries home to catch the rest of the game.

On his way home he again passes the pub and hears his mates cheering loudly. ” Just one minute and one drink, what’ll it hurt? Then I’ll be on my way home and be there in plenty of time.” Mr. Clark goes into the pub and has a beer and celebrates with his mates over the rugby game. Three hours and six beers later he realizes he needs to get home quick. “Oh am I in trouble now.” he say’s and runs home as quickly as he could under the drunken state that he is in.

As he enters through the front gate he stumbles and falls with quite a disturbance, and the box of snails flings open and snails go everywhere onto the side walk. Mrs. Clark opens the door in a rage, and sees Mr. Clark face down on the walk and says in total fury, “Just what have you done! I asked for a simple favor from you so I could impress and treat my sister dearly with a fine meal and you go off and get drunk! I warned you what would happen if you stopped at the pub, now what do you have to say for yourself !?”

Mr. Clark, in the bad state he was in, looks at the snails all over the walk and says, ” C’mon boys, you can do it! Just three more feet and we’ll be home!”

A city guy is driving down a back road in Montana and he sees a sign in front of a
broken down old shack:

“Talking Dog For Sale”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog’s in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a good looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“So, you talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk he says,

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says,

“Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to be of service to my country, so I joined the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting all over the world, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable assets for eight years. But the constant travel really wore me out, and as I wasn’t getting any younger I decided it was time to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, casually wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I made some major drug and terrorism arrests and was awarded a bunch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and, now I’m just happily retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten bucks.” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you letting him go so cheap?”