Homies

Big Tymers

August 21, 2009

Right now, there is a large international basketball competition taking place in locales around the world. It's called the Large International Basketball Competition and it features players from all around the globe, even some from the NBA. However, many owners don't like their players playing in the competition that they are playing in as players. Their fears are justified.

Not only could one of their investments be injured, they could also be hurt. Furthermore, they could also unwittingly unveil some new moves, thereby rendering them obsolete. Or they could be abducted, tied up in ropes, and placed on train tracks by robber barons. Also, they could be hurt.

But these are just minor dangers. The three situations that follow are all too common in international basketball. As such, they cause night sweats, buggymares, and general queasiness amongst NBA executives.

Physical Assault

Yes, an injury is distressing enough, but in international basketball, players are often punched while driving to the basket. Due to some European bylaws, this tactic has been permitted since the conception of FIBA (it is called the "Russian Handcheck" for obvious reasons). As of late, most European countries have abandoned this technique, but their Asian counterparts have mastered it. The coupling of basketball and martial arts has proven deadly for nearly 600 players since 1985.

Cloning

A players contract is predicated on the assumption that their skills are irreplaceable. But cloning laws abroad are lax, and the process has not yet been perfected. Not only does this make a player less valuable, it also downgrades the talent in the NBA. It is a closely guarded secret that the Allen Iverson who returned after the Athens Olympics was not the actual Iverson, but rather a laboratory creation dubbed Alan Iverson.

Poor Nutrition

Due to the economic crisis, players are often forced to eat their winnings to stay alive.

Cannabalism

Because not every team wins medals, and even those aren't terribly filling, overseas competition is overrun with players eating other players. As seen in the picture above, the Grizzlies' Hamed Haddadi is desperately eyeing the Nets' Yi Jianlian for a post-game meal. Unfortunately for Nets fans, FIBA officials were able to save Yi from his certain death.

Trey Kerby EntertainmentDisclaimer: All characters, names and places used in theblowtorch.net fiction and semifiction (whether online, in print or any other media) are fictitious and are used herein for the purposes of comedy. Any similarity to real people, without parodic purpose, is a coincidence. All trade names, product names and trademarks of third parties, including any trademarked characters, used in theblowtorch.net fiction and semifiction (whether online, in print or any other media) are used without the authorization of those third parties, and are used only for the purpose of parody and identification. No sponsorship, endorsement or affiliation by or with those third parties exists or should be implied.