Sunday, December 09, 2007

Point, Set, Match

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DH and I got into the mother of all arguments last night. We don’t fight a lot, but we are both incredibly stressed out right now, and so we put our minds to it and eventually we found something to fight about. I think it started because I wanted him to go shovel the snow when he was in the middle of doing something, and we both had just enough right and just enough wrong in our respective positions that it turned out to be really easy to dig in our heels and completely freak out. It was one of those fights where the phrases “Are you KIDDING me?” and “You’re ridiculous” were thrown around over and over again, by a different person each time.

I already know we shouldn’t fight in front of the kids, but I live here on Planet Earth, where sometimes, crap happens. They were in bed, but kept sneaking out to egg us on. They meant to make us stop, but it had the exact opposite effect because each time they would say something? Like when Abby told us we were being naughty and shouldn’t fight? We would then feel even stupider and angrier and more childish, and would fight SOME MORE because last night we were twelve. Carter came out and yelled at me, “You go sit in your room Mama, you go sit in dere WIGHT NOW!”

I will confess that at one point I was so enraged I threw three large chocolate chip cookies and an ice cube at my husband’s head. (But not in front of the children, I do have SOME self control.) I decided I would show HIM, and took off in the truck, skidding down our icy street, thinking I would do something dramatic, like stay out all night so he would be frantic with worry, thinking I’d slidden to an icy death. Then I realized I had no gas. And had forgotten my purse. And had exactly 27 cents in change in the car. This put a significant crimp in my plans.

I sat in the Home Depot parking lot, my breath making frosty circles in the air because I was afraid that if I ran the heater I would run out of gas, and thought, wow, I’m really showing HIM. HE’LL SURE BE SORRY.

Then I realized he was probably back home, sitting in front of the fire, feet up, flipping channels on the remote, and eating all of my cookies.

So after freezing my butt off for an hour I drove home in defeat and slunk back into the house.

He gave me the look, the one husbands give you when they are sorry and want the fight to be over, and he said, “I’m sorry honey,” and came over to give me a hug, but I was not yet done teaching him a lesson and so instead of giving him a hug I ducked under his arm, stomped upstairs to my office and made sure he knew by the way I was slamming things around that I was still VERY VERY ANGRY.

I heard him popping popcorn and putting on a movie I wanted to watch, and it was cold up there, but I was MAKING A POINT, dang it, and so I sat there in my coat at my desk and worked on stuff. Making a point is really boring sometimes.

Anyway, eventually we both apologized and everything was good and right again in the kingdom.

Today he is down in Las Vegas again for work, and I am here with the kids, by myself, for the whole week, and they are REALLY grumpy right now, boy howdy, so, even though the fight is ancient history, and water under the bridge and was ridiculous even when it was going on? I just want you to know, honey...

Of course you were right. (And you have so taken Mr. Hot's role in the whole scenario. He's the one that stomps off. I'm the one that pretends that he'll be back any minute and ppppprrrraaaaayyyyyyssss that he will (even though, that whole Agnostic thing?).

I loved your entry. Sounds like something I've experienced myself! Only difference is, I've convinced myself that its ok to have the kids see us argue- healthy in fact. This way, they see that normal people do argue even if they love each other and when it comes time to dealing with a marriage relationship, they won't feel like complete failures because they don't get along 100% of the time with their own respective spouses! Thanks for the laugh.

The first five years of our marriage, we did not have a couch. So if I was so mad that I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him, I would sleep on the floor of the living room. It was very effective for communicating how angry I was.

Yeah, my husband and I are pretty good about not fighting; but last spring, when we had gone through fixing up our old house, buying our new house, and then moving ourselves into the new house without much help (because we couldn't even use a truck, because we were moving 2 townhouses down the sidewalk) - anyway, we got into a screaming fight because he moved the dresser drawers to the new house the day before we were going to actually sleep there. 3 months worth of stress got poured into a really embarrassing screaming match (have I mentioned we live in a townhouse neighborhood)(and we had the windows open) about nothing.

The funny thing is, we thought we were handling all the upheaval pretty well. Apparently not.

I love this post. But think of it this way: at least you didn't put the truck in a ditch and it didn't cost you $250 to get towed out of it! And you're a braver woman than I am--I wouldn't have lobbed cookies because I'd have been thinking about the grease spots and the crumbs and the post-missile clean-up.

ha! I have been that mad at several points. It's amazing how even a few days or weeks later I cannot remember why I was upset enough to drive off without a word. It seemed important at the time and no doubt, I was right - and no doubt I wanted him to stop me. oh well. He tends to wait it out, good soul.

Oh, mom, don't say THAT. That makes me feel awful. I am NOT like that. We don't even normally fight - normally I'm pretty mature and if we're upset about something we just leave each other alone for a while. But we're under a tremendous amount of pressure right now.

My husband and I never, ever have yelling fights - not because we're angelic but because we're both passive-aggresive and need a third person in the marriage who is willing to START things. And hopefully this third person will be Brad Pitt.

Something like this is bound to happen when there is so much stress. The way you wrote this was cracking me up and I was laughing at the "I was totally right".Kevin and I were having a disagreement and Luke happened to overhear. He came in and said, "That is not the proper way to talk to family." Made us laugh. Don't you love how our kids can be so right sometimes.

That was a great post. So many of us have been there, done that (though yours sounds much more lighthearted than some of the fights my husband and I have been in! You're Kidding wouldn't suffice for some of the verbal barbs we've slung).

I would've taken off in the car, too, but would have ended up with a flat or something that I needed his help in taking care of.

I'll keep this G rated and just say that making up is usually pretty good when you can bring yourself around to it. ;O)

OH, man. That is awesome. Carter told you to go to your bed. Maybe you should have gone to your nice warm jetted tub. You should hear some of the fights Damien and I have. Sometimes they get so ridiculous that we can't even keep a straight face anymore. We end up saying crap like, "Oh yeah? Well you should have KNOWN what a jerk I am before you married me. See? That still makes it YOUR FAULT. If you'd done your part, you'd have known I'm a jerk and then you wouldn't have married me and then I wouldn't have to be mad at you right now." Wow, I really showed him there, didn't I? And then the ensuing laughter just kills my argument altogether.

I'm so glad I read your blog tonight. Sorry you had a fight, but the way you recount it made me laugh. Sounded like some of my stunts! I liked Toni's advice, keep a book and blanket in the trunk. Why do I never think of clever ideas like that?

Sorry, Sue. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I know you and your DH have an awesome relationship. I was just thinking about how sometimes, in our moments of righteous indignation, we unintentionally kick ourselves in the rear rather than the "offending party". I understand and sympathize with your current situation.

Oh boy, I can so relate to the whole "making a point" not working out so good for me. Hubs and I had a fight the other night and I showed him by not eating dinner. He was not so much effected by it and I was hungry. I need a new plan for next time..LOL

I loved this post. We aren't big fighters ourselves... well really he's not a big fighter, I fight all the time and he just sits quietly until the rampage is over. man that's annoying. I once pulled one of those leaving the house things. I left on foot though, it was dark and I was sure my husband would be so worried and come looking for me (that will show him) I got back and he didn't even know I'd been gone!

I'm leaving a comment because of your soul-killing plea on your page. It amused me enough that I thought I should comment if only to tell you that.

Secondly, I love reading such honest blogs! It's nice to realize I'm not the only one whose children may occasionally say "Mommy, you stop yelling at Daddy or you go to time out! You choose!" Oh, the fun.

Love this post! After 11 years of marriage- we have matured a little bit and don't have knock down, screaming fights... we are the opposite of the couple who is passive aggressive- we are both really passionate and both think we are right 100% of the time... therefore the make up sessions are .... ummm... very passionate!

That is the best line. So often it seems that my husband is done with the fight before i am, and may even be willing to take the blame (not that its ever really anyone's fault, its just stress, hunger, exhaustion...) just to get me to be friends again, but I am determined to make a point. if i can ever stop myself and ask the question of just what point it is i am trying to make, i usually realize that all i really want is a good long hug and to just forget the whole thing.