Using my voice to defend those we cannot yet hear.

INFERTILITY with a PROLIFE mentality: when a woman must choose between two great desires.

The struggles of being a prolife woman with infertility…when one desire MUST trump the other.

On the surface most infertile woman claim to be prolife. Most of us are against abortion because we see women throwing out what we would die to have. Making a barren woman watch the endless cycles of abortion is as cruel as showing a starving kid in a third world nation a huge meal from a fancy restaurant and then throwing it on the ground and stomping all over it right in front of them. It’s a “waste not want not” kinda thing….so most infertile women do not appreciate abortion.

Unfortunately the “prolife” mentality stops there, unfortunately so many of those infertile women who claim to be prolife are themselves responsible for over half a million (600,000+in 2013) fertilized embryos being thrown out, every year.
Just like the fancy meal, just like abortion.

ART (alternative reproductive therapy)
like IVF and surrogacy may seem like a miracle at first, and I am grateful for the beautiful children who were able to be brought to the world through these therapies, however I can’t ignore the fact that while they may have made it out alive the numerous fertilized embryos that were transferred with them didn’t.

You see, in the process of ARTs women need to extract multiple eggs to be fertilized and transferred back into her, the more fertilized embryos you have the greater chance of pregnancy you have. This generally means for every 6 fertilized growing life forms, approximately 1 makes it to pregnancy stage.
Many times, couples who extract eggs and create fertilized embryos, change their minds, and just throw out the life they themselves conceived by distinct decisions.
Many couples, mostly in wealthy standings, will re do ART multiple times until they get the “ideal” baby….people actually create a growing life in a dish, then terminate that life if their genes show a color of hair or eyes the parents don’t like.
Many couples will use sex selective methods for their ARTs, women will terminate implantation of the life they chose to make, and re-implant an embryo with the desired X or Y chromosomes.
Many famous couples use ARTs- one of my favorite shows “Million Dollar Listing New York” stars Fredrik Eklund who with his partner Derek are embarking on a surrogacy journey for “little Mila” the blonde haired blue eyed baby girl they plan to create through ART.
So what happens to the brown haired brown eyed or male embryos that get fertilized? They get tossed out like worthless trash. They can talk about Mila as if she already exists because they, with scientists and doctors, will piece together genes to create the ideal baby that they want.
ART is turning conception and childbearing into a design your own baby shopping mall experience that teaches a baby with a certain assumed hair color is more important and deserves life over a baby with the same potential for greatness.
Women will throw out the less than perfect, implant the “perfect” and never think twice about who would have come from the other growing lives they didn’t need to use.
Some woman do IVF 5 or even 6 times with no success, leaving fertilized embryos to literally die.

It’s a vicious and difficult journey to get through infertility with out being responsible for lives lost.
I am 24, with my husband for 5 years, no children, no pregnancies on my record, I always dreamed of being the worlds best mom….
I SAID NO TO IVF BECAUSE I AM PROLIFE.
Yes it breaks my heart to know that while it may be physically possible to make a life and implant it in myself to carry and deliver,
I can not be a voice for the slaughtered unborn if I myself added to their choir.
I can not preach a prolife mentality if I would be willing to sacrifice growing living embryos, fetuses, babies, for my own selfish desires.
I couldn’t be prolife if ignored the thousands of children needing adoption while I waisted my time trying to make something happen with my own genes.
I couldn’t be prolife if I disregard the natural order of how life is created.
I value life so much that I will not risk ending one just to enrich my own.

The genes don’t make the parent: the life together does,
that’s prolife mentality, and the infertility mentality is almost opposite…
Do anything possible to get MY OWN baby, with MY genes, as many times as it takes keep trying!
Opposites.

Further more, as a prolife Christian I teach that God is in control of conception.
Who would listen to me say that if I went around Gods plan for me and pursued my own plan instead.
When a woman tells me she is pregnant and doesn’t want to be, I always tell her,
“GOD controls when and where and how children are created, trust HE knows why this baby is being brought to you. If you couldn’t handle it, God wouldn’t have brought the child to you he would have chosen someone else.”
If I lived out my infertility in a worldly way, through ART I would be the biggest hypocrite ever telling a woman God is in control of her conception but I am in control of my own.

And lastly, Prolife people are pro adoption people.
I know there are many many babies out there in need of a good family, I tell women to choose life, choose adoption, because families out there need them too.
If all the infertile couples chose ARTs so many more children would be with out adoptive families.
Adoption saves lives from abortion,
prolife is anti abortion,
so prolife is pro adoption-
Pro adoption is anti ART.

See how confusing and what a bummer it is?
Trust me I wish I could do IVF and still have the moral integrity of a true Prolife activist. But I can’t.

So here I am, with out my own flesh and blood, but still with my guilt free integrity for life.

I know my incurable infertility will drive me to speak for the unborn even more, I value life and pregnancy even more, I now see the truth and destruction behind ART because I’ve been forced to actually consider it, I would not have my passion for this cause if I had a baby with me today.
I truly see the work I am now able to do because of my struggles as confirmation that while conception and motherhood is beautiful gift, it’s a gift I am not meant to unwrap. If my circumstances change and by a miracle I one day become a mom to a child of my own, I will be grateful.
But I will not sit here and hold my breath, I will continue to march forward bringing my conviction for life with me.
If I’m prolife I’m always prolife, even when those convictions leave me childless.

My heart breaks for all the childless mothers out there, but I beg you all to consider the bigger picture when figuring out how to handle your infertility. Don’t focus so much on your own pain that you can’t see the great impact your pain may drive you towards making. Don’t waste years of time and tens of thousands of dollars trying to make a picture perfect family when there is a baby out there somewhere who needs someone exactly like you to love them.

If your prolife and your infertile, you must remember which issue is more important in the long run.
The issue of your baby, or the issue of all babies?
We have to protect ourselves because of our pain, but our pain is no more of an excuse to terminate growing life than a women’s excuse to abort a growing life,
overall it’s the same thing,

Us prolife infertile woman drew the short straw for sure, our fight is hard.
But no two straws drawn are the same.
We must remember that and focus on the good things that our bad circumstances can lead to.

Because I am prolife, and even more because I am forever infertile, I know,
You don’t need to be a mother to show motherly love, so
I plan to use my motherly affection on the millions of babies already out there, born and unborn.
Because they need me more than I need my own baby.