Dr. Nolove or: How I learned to Stop Looking for Love or Anything Like It or: Part 1 in an Ongoing series: Profile Lameness #1

I decided to only have platonic relationships and interactions (with very specific possible exceptions which are about as likely to happen as me growing a 2nd penis) about 2 weeks ago.

I feel good about this decision. I also feel bad about it. But that’s only because there are two of me (involved in this particular decision). There’s the new , post deathwish 18 month depression valley Me who sees clearly now. There’s also the Sucker Me – who was raised on romantic comedies and societal expectations for self worth being tied to being in a couple of some sort. That Sucker Me isn’t running the show anymore but he is still very vocal and fighting to take back power.

But I’m not gonna let him.

So ok I decided to be a worldly secular monk who loves creature comforts. But I did spend decades and probably 30-40% of my career earnings on chasing the dating dragon. So it was a really big part of my life. So I have a lot of FEELINGS about it. And I want to let them out and bitch about them, as is my wont.

Today I’m going to bitch about online dating profiles for heterosexual and bisexual women (the only profiles I’ve read). Even more specifically I’m going to address a very common demand said women make in reference to the kind of men they want to contact/meet/date.

I don’t know a lot of dudes who want the female equivalent of a nice guy either so I’m not hating. II figured ladies thought nice guys probably equaled bad sex and dull nights out.

It wasn’t like DC had a huge amount of cool guys (or women) to go around to begin with. Consider that DC is largely populated by uncool people (lobbyists, political types, lawyers, non profit self righteous). You can’t blame a lady for trying to dissuade self proclaimed nice guys from tying to date them. Hell, even the ladies who didn’t write an explicit prohibition probably recoiled when they encountered a nice guy profile or a message from a nice guy. It’s really just a real bad move for a nice guy to admit he is. It’s online internet death. It’s also redundant. Imagine you dress up Poindexter from Revenge of the Nerds like the Fonz. He might look at first glance or from afar or from his internet dating profile like he’s got some edge. But you start reading his words and start flipping through his 3rd and 4th photo and the truth just comes out. When you’re a nice guy it just shines through. In a very, very bad way.

What’s that?

I already hear some of my lovely lady friends protesting: my so and so is nice! I guarantee you he’s not “just” nice. Let me elaborate.

Their guys can be nice. Why? They are on the 2nd or 1st level caste of western society attractiveness.

It doesn’t piss me off that I was a nice guy and I was not wanted by most women. I got mine during my brief moment in the sun. What pissed me off was the hubris. Here was a woman (a DC woman) who was likely also nice, was likely also boring, was likely also uncool (again, this is DC) and she has the temerity to reject her own kind. I just wanted to send them an all caps messaage telling them to look in the mirror. But I never did bother them.

Why?

Cuz I’m a nice guy pushover pussy.

So that’s the first thing I hated about dating. I got a whole shit load of gripes to vent but that’s a good start. And you got the whole attractiveness caste system included at no extra charge?