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twenty-four years of sleeping poorly

I haven’t been sleeping well. Of all the different types of insomnia I’m familiar with, this is one of the better sorts, where I know I should go to to sleep, but can’t convince myself to actually do so, because of course sleeping is a horribly dull way to spend my time. I’ve been reading a lot, and not writing enough. I owe people emails and dms and texts. Today’s my birthday, so there will be facebook messages to read and respond to. I could give less fucks about facebook, but not many, I have so few to begin with. There are things I should start working on to get the future in order, things I should study for, more emails, applications, etc. But it’s my birthday, and that sounds dull and unpleasant, so I’m just going to try to write, hopefully ridding myself of enough words to make sleep seem like a reasonable option. I don’t know if it’s correlation/causation but in the last month plus of insomnia I haven’t been writing as much, and I feel bad about that. It’s one thing I can try to fix, because all the other remedies are worse.

Maybe this is just who I am — I’m twenty-four and bad at sleeping. I’ve been bad at sleeping for as long as I can remember, since I was a kid. This may be one of those problems that I’ve left untreated for too long, that I’ve accepted as part of my makeup instead of doing anything about it, and that might be wrong, that might be horrible for my health and happiness, but whatever. I don’t know who I’d be if I slept well, if I was a morning person, if I didn’t half-dread trying to fall asleep. It would be easy to say that I’d be happier. That’s probably true. But I wouldn’t be me the same way I am now, the same way I’ve been for twenty-four years now, so why bother.

Ha. That’s the kind of thing I say that makes my gf worry about me. But it’s my birthday, so I can do what I want. I’m sitting at the dining room table with tea that has more caffeine that I should have, settled in to write with the cat sleeping in front of me. It’s going to be a good afternoon, and then it’s going to be a good night watching movies with my gals, and it’s going to be a good year, and I might not sleep right, but I’ve got other things going for me, and sleeping’s overrated anyway.