Jumat, 17 April 2015

5 Ways to Set Your Parents Up for The Win

5 Ways to Set Your Parents Up for The Win

It is tough parenting
a teenager. Those of us with adolescents in our homes joke about it. We
tell others with pre-pubescent kids to “watch out.” It’s all truth in
jest. Most of us are hiding our overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. I
understood how to put a Band-Aid on a scraped knee and how to give a
bottle to a hungry baby. I can stay up with a sick child and care for
them. However, one day my “little one” became distant and disconnected.
Now it’s no longer simple to figure out their thoughts. A groan no
longer means merely, “I am hungry.” Now it could mean so many things—and
I don’t understand the language.
I am a youth worker, and I still feel this way! My mantra
is, “No matter how much time they spend with us, they still go home.” A
youth worker who tells me a parent is “too far gone,” or that I “don’t
understand how disconnected they are,” sounds like nails on the
chalkboard of my soul.
But there’s good news for both youth workers and parents: There are five things we can do to set parents up for the win!1) Tell them first.
We like to set the students up as leaders by sharing information with
them first about upcoming trips, camps and conferences. Then we expect
them take that info home and share it with their parents. Yet, it’s the
parents who hold the keys to the schedules and the finances. If our
students get hyped up for an upcoming event, parents feel like the bad
guys when they have to say no. What if we flipped the script and shared
information with parents before the students? Tell them the
when, the where, the how and, most importantly, the why. Think through
answers to all of the questions they might have, like questions of
safety, chaperoning and fundraising. Parents become the heroes if
they’re the ones who get to ask, “Hey, do you want to go to camp?”
instead of being blindsided with, “Mom can I go?”2) Respect them in front of their kids.
Each parent has a reason for the decisions they make about their
children. We will not always agree with those choices, and that’s
alright. But the last thing we want to do is drive a wedge into the
relationship between parent and child. It may feel like we are
supporting a student when we side with them against their parents. We
are not. Always respect decisions and parenting styles in front of the
child. If you have genuine questions or concerns, approach the parent
without the child present.3) Encourage your students to talk to their parents.
One of the best ways we can set parents up for the win is to keep
pointing their kids to them. The number one complaint parents with teens
have is, “They won’t talk to me.” These years are a tug-of-war for
independence. Youth leaders feel great when students tell them, “I could
never talk to my parents about this.” Yet we have to ask if they should
really be sharing these things at home first. You still have a crucial
role: Teach your students how to talk to their parents about
life. Help them learn to open up and communicate. They have no idea
that, nine times out of 10, if they actually talked to their parents,
many of their issues would be solved.4) Get to know them.
Too often our definition of partnering only includes sharing
information that is important to us. But it’s so much more than that.
Dynamic relationships with parents are more valuable than we could ever
know. I might be too proud to tell you that my child can’t attend a trip
because we can’t afford it. Instead I make up some excuse. On the other
hand, if you actually know me, you can let me know there is help
available for something like this. Recently, a friend discovered one of
his students was involved in self-injury. Thankfully, he had a good
relationship with the mom and felt comfortable calling to tell her what
he had discovered. He could offer his help and support. Before he
called, he did some research on places the parents could seek
professional help. It turns out, the parents were aware, and the student
was already in professional counseling. It meant a lot to this parent
that the youth pastor had noticed, been concerned enough to call home,
and was now an extra rung on the student’s ladder of support.5) Let them be the parent.
Don’t know how your parents need help? Just ask them! Create groups
where they can come together and find solidarity with others struggling
to raise teens. Provide resources like training, books or even a weekly
article about parenting. Take the time to write the parents in your
group a handwritten thank you note. (If your group is large, enlist
small group leaders to help.) Thank parents for allowing you to get to
know their child and for raising and encouraging their kids. Let them
know you are privileged to be an additional voice in the life of their child, but you are thankful that they are the parent.*A note about “unchurched” parents:
Inevitably when I write a post like this, someone asks, “But what about
parents who are not believers, who are disengaged, or distracted, or
neglectful?” I cannot say this strongly enough: If a child is in real
danger, call Child and Family Services. If not, then they are still the
parent. Remember, the Lord loves each member of the family. If parents
are not stepping up spiritually, point students to the truth of the Word
of God, not to your opinion. Other than that, I wouldn’t do anything
differently. Treat them with respect, try to build a relationship with
them and expect God to show up.

Leneita Fix is the founder
and lead consultant for Blue Sky/Green Sky Consulting whose heart is :
”Passionate about developing and training youth-oriented programs that
are looking to take a generation from surviving to thriving in Christ.
In 2012 she will reach the 20 year mark of experience in youth ministry,
suburban, urban and rural. Most of her time has been spent in the urban
community, living as a neighbor to those around her.
More from Leneita Fix or visit Leneita at http://www.blueskygreensky.com/