Monthly Archives: April 2007

When I was 3 years old my older sister (who was 5 at the time) got a kitten from our parents. This kitten (Doris) had such an intense glare and orange fur that my sister was convinced she was going to turn into a lion. She explained to me that “when Doris grows up she is going to be a lion” and I believed her.

This is just a rumor, it has been said that Blink 182 till reunite at Vans 2009 Warp Tour and come out with a new cd “One For The Kids”

Could it be?
I never thought they would ever come back but if they do I hope they don’t plan on staying together. I hope it is just a final tour, one last hoopla.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Blink, always have and always will. If what I’ve heard is true, and they are playing in the summer of 2009, there is no way in the world I’d miss it. At the same time I do not wish for them to get back together. They have had an amazing run, I am completely satisfied with their work and music thus far and would hate to see them become “over done” like so many bands do.
I am almost positive that they will not be touring with Vans Warp tour, because right now they are so involved in the music they are making in their new bands. +44 and Angels and Airwaves, both very good bands. Both doing pretty well.

I have a feeling that some crazy Blink 182 fan just wants them to get back together and started saying that they were for a fact and that is what caused this rumor

Airport Security Tip
Don’t make the same mistake that I made. Make sure you read security requirements before you leave your home for the airport because, believe it or not the wonderful people working in that department update and change the requirements quite often just to keep the public on their toes.

Many of you probably already know what I know now about the zip lock bags. If you have any liquids at all they must be in a zip lock bag. Of course I was stopped in the security line and asked to step aside so they could search through my bag for any form of liquid they could find, I didn’t care I was two hours early for my flight I had the time. I watched as a rather large man with gloves on searched through my bag pulling out everything that you would not want the entire world to see, tampons, lingerie, etc. It did not bother me that about 200 business men saw my underwear because lets face it, I am never going to see them again, and I was giggling at the fact they were all looking at my underwear without their shoes on, it was just a funny situation to be in.

…After the large man found all my liquid products he proceeded to tell me very rudely that I could not bring them on the plane, Hey man I had no idea there was a rule against liquids without a zip lock bag you don’t need to be nasty about it. I would have thrown the liquids away but unfortunately they were either very expensive (perfumes) or things that I needed (contact solution, extra contacts) sure there were things I could have easily replaced (hair spray, mascara) but either way I did not want to throw my stuff away. The large rude man told me that I could pay an extra 35 dollars to have them mailed to me, heck no. This large man did not know what to do with me, I just kept asking him to find me a zip lock bag and our problem would be solved. I mean you would think that since they require everyone to have one they would sell them for more then they are worth, people will buy them, I would have bought one at that moment. Ten dollar zip lock bag, or throw away all my stuff? I think the decision is a no brainer.

After the large man decided he did not want to deal with me anymore he called the manager to come deal with me, I was happy because maybe the manager would see that I was not trying to pull anything sneaky. While I was waiting for the guy in the charge there was a man next to me who already went through security, he took his zip lock bag, dumped all of his things out of it and slipped it into my hand discretely. The large rude man and manager came over to me just in time for the kind man in line to walk away. The large man just looked at me dumbfounded and said “Where did you get that bag?” I told him that I found it, he just look at me as if I had found his super top secret stash of zip lock bags. The manager looked at my things and said “She is fine, just let her go”

In the end I did not need a zip lock bag, please learn from my mistakes ALWAYS PUT YOUR LIQUIDS IN A ZIP LOCK BAG

The story gets better, at the end of my trip I was at a different airport trying to fly back home. This time I had all my liquids in a zip lock bag, this time I was prepared. I noticed this airport had zip lock bags there for anyone who forgot one, how nice of them! I went through the security line and I was almost out when I got stopped (seriously I must look like a threat, why do they always have to stop the innocent look little girl?) I was stopped because my zip lock bag was TOO BIG, not only do they require a zip lock bag, they require a certain size! Lucky for me, they had extra bags.

I think I want to open up a zip lock bag stand in the airport and sell those little bags for way more then they are worth, I think I’d make millions.

The Nintendo DS lite is a masterpiece. To complete this masterpiece a DS owner needs to add Kirby Squak Squad to their game collection. Kirby is one of those games that anyone can play, young or old, kind of like Super Mario Brothers.

The story line is pretty simple, Kirby is about to enjoy his strawberry shortcake when the Squeak Squad takes it out from under him. Kirby is not going to be pushed around like this, the entire game is Kirby trying to get what is rightfully his, the strawberry shortcake.

Even after beating the game I still find myself playing because there is more than just the story. There are items in every level that need to be collected. Once my collection is complete then I might stop playing, we’ll see.

Everyone that has tried my game has had a real hard time putting it down. I suggest trying it out, it’s good for all ages.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.”

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.

I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.

To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That’s why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. “Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big.” “That’s ok, your breath stinks anyway. See y

ou later.”

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don’t see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who’s in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it’s either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around 3 miles.”

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that’s what those delays are sometimes, when you’re just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, “Oh, I don’t believe this. Dammit..I did it again.” They tell you it’s something mechanical because they don’t want to come on the P.A. system, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing…I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They’re in this big ashtray by the front door. I’m sorry, I’ll run back and get them.”

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”

A female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you’re lucky enough to see it you probably don’t know how you got there and you can’t find you way back after you left.

You know there are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I’ll tell you right now, as a man, we don’t know. We do not know, because to man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked ‘What did you see after the car went out of control?’. ‘I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear.

As a kid, the only thing I really cared about was candy. Candy is the only reason you want to live when you’re a kid. Ages zero through ten, candy is your life, there’s nothing else. Family, friends, school…they’re only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. Kids actually believe that they can distinguish between 21 different versions of pure sugar.

Only a seven-year-old can actually taste the difference. When I was a kid, I could taste the difference between different color M&Ms. I thought they were different. For example, I thought the red was heartier, more of a main course M&M. And the light brown was a mellower, kind of after-dinner M.

Late last night my cat came up to me meowing her little head off, she had a lot to say. Too bad I don’t speak cat because I had no idea what she wanted. The cat proceeded to meow for quite some time, not just at me, but to the dog as well. Something was wrong I just wasn’t sure what it was. An hour passed and I happen to glance at her food bowl… it was empty. That’s what she wants! The poor little kitty was just hungry, as I picked up her container of food I gasped “It’s too light!” Opening the container I realized that she was completely out of cat food. I am a terrible pet owner because I have no idea how long she has been out of cat food. She was literally starving but I could not go get her food because like I said, it was very late. Sitting at my computer she continued to meow at me, her meows were getting louder and more annoying, as if she was yelling at me. I went into the fridge to find something, anything I could give her…I probably should have fed her tuna or turkey or something of that sort but instead I reached for the egg salad. She seemed thrilled with that idea she wagged her tail and purred profusely, I gave her a small piece and she ate it up instantly. Who knew cats like egg salad? I had mashed potatoes for dinner and left them out on the stove, so after I gave the cat egg salad I started to put away the potatoes, she looked at me with excitement. I had to give her some of the mashed potatoes she acted like she wanted them more than anything else in the world, and she did, she loved them.

I hope that I did not poison that poor kitty. Chocolate is like poison for dogs I wonder what is poison for cats…hopefully not mashed potatoes and egg salad.

I tried to feed her some cool whip (like I said I am a terrible pet owner) but she didn’t like the cool whip she took one lick and walked away disgusted.