Thursday, March 20, 2008

What's Mine Is Mine, What's Yours Is Mine

Dear Abby Voodoo:

I am in my 40s, single, and have bought a house. There is no man in my future. My parents helped me by giving me the down payment. They expect me to pay them back plus interest.

My parents paid for my sisters' weddings and also helped with my brother's wedding. Because they didn't have to pay for a wedding for me, I think the down payment should be considered "wedding money," and I should no be allowed to pay it back. What is your opinion?

Signed, Future Cat Lady

Dear Future Cat Lady:

1. It's not your money.2. You ought to be on your fucking knees thanking your parents for loaning your ass the money. Your parents aren't going to foreclose on you if you miss a payment. Your parents aren't going to send Nicky the Bull and Icepick Vinny to collect if you miss a payment. You're getting a fucking bargain.3. I can see why there's no man in your future. You lack the financial foresight to save your own fucking money for your own fucking down payment and instead hit your ol' man up for a loan. Then, when you get it, you try to renegotiate. You're a real fucking prize, aren't you? I bet some ex-boyfriend sits in a bar and buys drinks for his buddies on the day he broke up with your mangy ass.

The fact of the matter is, you took the money under a certain set of parameters. By taking the money under those parameters, you agreed to them. The time for negotiation was before you took the money, NOT AFTER. You're in no position to make demands.

I bet what really happened is that you got this loan from your parents. And you used it to get into a house you probably wouldn't normally afford without their help. Now, you're finding out between the mortgage and this loan, it's putting a serious crimp in your shoe-shopping, bauble-binging, materialistic/hedonistic/consumeristic lifestyle. Now you want to get out from under it while still keeping what you've connived your way into.

So, you go after the weakest link, the people that brought you into this world.

You motherfucking spoiled parasite. I hope your parents have the good sense to tell you to eat a bag of shit and die so that you end up learning your lesson. Because you're dishonorable, you're a shitbird. And my only regret is that your parents don't have the mob connections to send Nicky the Bull and Icepick Vinny over to your place to help educate you as to the error of your ways.