Sunday, June 9, 2013

In Praise of Confusion

I recently met a woman about whom I was writing a profile for a magazine. Her life was rich and interesting, full of political intrigue and forging into new territory. After a few hours, she lamented the fact that she was single. She had, she admitted, recently ended a relationship with a man whom she discovered was cheating. She loved him madly, she said. Why did you end it, I responded. She was shocked. She had to end it, she said. How else could she regain her dignity?

I understand her mindset. She wasn't married to this man. There were no children whose psyches needed to be considered. And, from what she told me, I'm not sure this was a guy who deserved second chances.

Nonetheless, I always feel slightly sad for people whose behaviour is dictated by some set of social or cultural rules. If she still lived in her Middle Eastern place of birth, she wouldn't have the luxury of leaving a cheating husband. But she absorbed her culture's rules around cheating -- by women -- no second chances. Rather death by stoning.

I'm not an apologist for giving cheaters a second chance. What I am suggesting is that you make up your own minds about whether to stay together or not. I wonder how many of us default to our position because of preconceived notions of what we "should" do. And also, I believe, because living even temporarily in a state of confusion is excruciating to humans.

Yet the state of confusion is usually where we find ourselves after D-Day. Our brains and hearts hate confusion. Sitting with it is terrifying. So we cling to our "rules". I love him...but cheating is a deal-breaker. I hate him but must stay because of the kids. I would forgive him if it was just a one-night-stand. We cling to the rules as a way to find solid footing in quicksand. And yet it can be within the confusion that we find a lasting clarity.

I lived with confusion for more than a year (or longer!). My feelings about my marriage shifted daily, sometimes even a dozen times within the same day. Not knowing what to do was supremely uncomfortable, especially for someone like me who likes to feel in control. I clung to my conviction that I shouldn't make any sudden moves until I was sure. With three young children, I used them as my shield against storming out the door. I knew my greater responsibility was to their sense of safety and stability. And so I waited for the confusion to lift.

It did. In its own sweet time. And when it did, I was able to recognize that within all that confusion a clear desire was taking shape. I didn't want to leave but the gnawing feeling that I should want to leave left me paralyzed. So by waiting until the anger had subsided and the pain felt less raw, it became more clear what my actual wants were. Not what I thought I should do...but what I actually should do.

Try not to fear that place of confusion. You don't want to live there forever but sometimes it's an important place to stop.

11 comments:

I am learning on a day by day basis how to cope with my husband's affair. I searched for help under 'obsessed by other woman' and found this page. I am unable to tell any on my family and friends as I fear there comments, advice and gossip - I know what I want and that's for my marriage to survive and become stronger, but I need to get things 'off my chest'. I have written myself quite a few pages of thoughts and find it helps, and having read lots of things on here I am starting to feel much more in control of my emotions.

I'm glad you found us. It can be enormously validating to simply know that you're not alone. Once we realize that our feelings are shared they can seem a lot less overwhelming. What's more, it's crucial to know that you will get through this. I can remember thinking that I would never -- EVER! -- get past this pain. But you do. You will.Feel free to share your story here if you want to. It can help, as you've discovered in writing it down, to get it off your chest, surrounded by others who understand what you're going through and can assure you that your marriage can survive and can get stronger. It takes work on both sides...but is possible.

I don't *want* to end my marriage, but I think I need to. I still love my husband, but he's not apologetic, and, while he says he doesn't love the other woman and is only with her because she's fun, he's *still* in a relationship with her. I cannot continue to live like this - it's been a year now since I first discovered their relationship. He would keep denying there was anything going on, or say he broke it off, and I'd find out a few months later they were still together. He even continued to see her while we were in marriage counseling, after assuring both the therapist and me that he had ended the relationship. It's tearing me apart - either I stay with him and am tormented daily by their continuing relationship, or I leave the man I love (and father of my daughter). What kind of choice is that??

A Lynne,It's choosing yourself. It's incredibly painful to walk away from someone you love...but you're not in the relationship you want anyway. He's treating you with incredible disrespect and cruelty. He's lying to you, he's exposing you to potential STDs, he's taking time from your relationship to spend with another woman. And because she's "fun"? This isn't grade school. He made a commitment to you that he's completely violated.I know you know this...and you clearly understand that it's unacceptable. I think, though, that you're assuming that other women "want" to end their marriage, that it's somehow an easier choice for them. I don't think that's necessarily true. The "right" thing to do is rarely the "easy" thing to do. But it's still the "right" thing.Your husband is not acting like a husband...or frankly even a friend to you. Perhaps thinking about what, exactly, you "love" about this guy might start you on the path away from him. He doesn't sound too loveable. And you deserve love. If he can't give it to you -- and even if he can -- give it to yourself first.

Thank you for this post. I have been beating myself up for wanting to save my marriage, somehow allowing myself to believe that I wasn't a "strong woman" since I could dare stay with a man who has lied and been unfaithful. I needed these words as I try to pick up the pieces. My D-day was just 4 days ago, I have much to process.

You've got a lot to process and four days is likely still in the "shock" stage. There is no "right" way to navigate this, there's simply what's right for you. It's hard not to be swayed by what we think we're supposed to do or what we thought we'd always do. Instead, give yourself the time and space and compassion to simply figure out the right next step for you.

Jo,As I just wrote on your other post, he's already shown you that his words mean nothing. He has lied to you repeatedly about this exact thing ("It's over", "We haven't been in touch" etc.). As one Betrayed Wife said, I know my husband is lying if his mouth is moving. I don't doubt that you love this man but I think you need to ask yourself why. You've been living together only a short time and in that short time, he's done nothing but disrespect you and take advantage of your loyalty and willingness to forgive him. He, frankly, hasn't been very lovable. He's certainly not worthy of your trust.At the very least, I think you should separate and give yourself time to sort through this. I fear that you're going down a well-worn path of believing his promises only to learn later that they were lies. History has revealed his character. He doesn't deserve you.Be strong. Be confident that you deserve better.

Everyone (except for the women in his family) has asked me to get the hell out.

But I am staying. Some days I don't know why I chose to stay. But I did ask God for guidance and trust whatever happens will be for the best, whether or not I will hurt through it.

He surely isn't like the other men who are really remorseful and doing everything the can to make things right again. My husband, seems wishy washy. Some days he wants to stay. Some days he wants to get out. He has said many hurtful things to me in the past month. Now he says how could he have said all that. (included: I don't love you anymore, The affair wiped out my feelings for you, Do you want me to stay because I pity you??! I am not happy but my mom is, so that's fine. etc..)

We were about to get a divorce when he asked me to retract... I really don't know what to expect. And what he expects.

He said he has to 'force' himself to do certain things, like be nice to me, for instance.

I guess he has lived a life of 'individualism' and drowning in the affair that he had conveniently shut us out, i.e. me and the 3 kids... and all of a sudden he has to be with family and suddenly it seems daunting for him, I suppose. He doesn't have much issues with the kids I guess, it's me. sigh. I'm the problem.

Many a times I felt like he would be much happier if he could just get rid of me. If he could stab me with a knife, or put a gun to my head and pull the trigger, or just push me off a building :( I really do feel like that. I feel like I am a deterrent to his 'happily ever after' pursuit. How he was only staying in this marriage because of the kids.

I must say I feel a bit dumb and foolish to still be in this marriage sometimes. He hasn't been treating me all that well either. But I don't know. Sigh. Am I a doormat? :~(

He said he has finally cut all contact with that... creature. I hope to God he is true to his words. because he surely became one helluva liar ever since this whole thing started.

LinkWithin

Follow by Email

Support Us

If you find this site helpful or interesting and want to keep it free (and also ad-free), please consider making a donation anywhere between the price of a cup of coffee to a good dinner. Any donation is appreciated. For those of you who have donated, please know how grateful I am for your trust and your support.

Why a Betrayed Wives Club?

I created this blog because I not only survived, but triumphed over my husband's infidelity. And I believe you can, too.

But first, you're going to go through hell – and it helps to have some girlfriends to hold your hand while you're doing it. To offer up their hard-won wisdom. To allow you to vent. To be there while you cry, rage, lament and, ultimately, laugh again.

Join the club and join the conversation.

Betrayed Wives Club

About Us

We're mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, wives. Wives of men who cheated.
Never did we expect to be that last one.
But here we are.
Along with some wonderful women we've met on our journey toward wholeness, after feeling completely shattered. We call ourselves the "Betrayed Wives Club". But don't feel sorry for us. We're definitely not victims. Nor are you. We're kicking infidelity's (ahem) ass and remain determined to help you do the same.
We're mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, wives.
Wives who have overcome our husbands' betrayal.
Never did we think we could be that last one.
But here we are.