Friday, January 20, 2006

The White Dade Campaign to Save Matt Johnson

Dear Blogosphere;

Matt Johnson needs your help. Until a few months ago, the self-proclaimed “King of the One Man Party” was relegated to weekends involving a 30-pack of Stroh's and watching “NWA: The Best of the 80’s” And I ain’t talking about the the pioneering street rappers from Compton. I’m talking about Dusty Rhodes, Boogey Woogie Man Jimmy Valiant and Ric Flair. Yes, thatNWA. Which you wouldn’t expect, what with Johnson being black and all. But I digress.For most of his life, Johnson’s sexual conquests were mostly limited to black-out drunk Tavern. patrons, underage girls that his amateur porn-director uncle set him up with and waitresses at Chi Chi's. And some hideously, hideously fat women. Johnson, actually, has held the belt (an award given to the man who has slept with the fattest girl) on multiple occasions. So it was pretty obvious to everyone what would happen when a tall, leggy blonde. decided that she wanted to make poor Matt Johnson her personal plaything.

JOHNSON WAS SO EXCITED, HE GLADLY AWARDED "THE BELT" TO A NEW CHAMP

She was a former UVA football groupie (and, really, if you’re going to be a groupie, UVA?! I mean, seriously, if you are going to give up any pretense of morality and be a groupie, aka the lowest form of human life, you may as well do it for a decent team. Miami. Florida State. Texas. But Christ, UVA? Have some self respect) which should have immediately raised a red flag. As that ever so wise urban philosipher Ludacris once said “You can’t turn a ho into a housewife, ho’s don’t act right.” But facing a future of nothing but belt contenders, he ignored it. When he took a trip to Miami in November, he spent half the time he was here on the phone with her justifying himself for going to visit his friends. I had flashbacks to my coke-addict stripper girlfriend and immediately went into convulsions.

A few weeks ago they had a fight and she went out and fucked one her ex’s, most likely a UVA football player. Johnson took her back, and this is his fault. But some subscribe to the “Everyone deserves a second chance” school of thought, so we just shook our heads and let it go. Then, again, last night she apparently went out and did the same thing again. Johnson is a G-Dub fan, so perhaps he was confused when President Bus Short said “We have a saying here in Texas…Fool me once, shame on you…wait, no, fool you twice, shame on….fool me twice shame on…no, uh.” So perhaps he needs explained to him that most Americans with an IQ over 9 (aka those who are not G-dub fans) know that it’s supposed to say “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” Johnson, let her fool him twice. Shame on him.

We are all supportive of Matt Johnson. We are good friends. But, ladies and gentleman, this good black man needs your help. We cannot stand by idly and allow this woman to continue to do whatever she likes while dragging Matt Johnson through the mud. The Matt Johnson I know is a strong individual who would not let a woman drive him to a weekend of drinking Gilbey’s and watching Wrestlemanias I-XIX. Perhaps a UM football loss, but not a woman. He needs your help. He needs to know that while it’s tough to find anything over a 4 to have sex with, jerking it to Skinemax is a hell of a lot better than what this bitch is doing to him. He needs to know that being single is great. No more drunken arguments, no more fending off asshole UVA football players, no more stress, no more justifying visits to your friends. No, he won’t get laid nearly as much as he’d like to, but ultimately he will enjoy life a lot more than he did when he was with a girl that didn’t treat him well.

So, Blogosphere, I am asking for your help. No money is required, just a simple visit to his blog, or mine, and leaving some advice in the comments section telling him that this girl is no good for him. Together, I know that we can save Matt Johnson.

Stop catering to the New York crowd with the G Dub comments. They detracted from the thrust of the story and only served to make your post unnecessarily longer. I also disagree that "we" came to a consensus about everyone deserving a second chance. She already had two strikes as a result of being a groupie for a second tier ACC team. Good effort but a little more testosterone please.

Well, I'm definitely flattered to have a whole blog entry dedicated to me and my terrible relationships but I will disagree with you on one point. Money and donations are most certainly appreciated seeing as how my blog isn't worth anything.

Johnson needs to challenge her to a cage match, brother! If she wins, she keeps him as a whiping boy and gets to continue screwing UVA football players, brother! If Johnson wins, she promises to bring him home a 6 pack of Strohs every night, and his pick of NWA, or WWE wrestling videos from the past 20 years, brother! Why? Because Johnson said so! (Johnson steps up on the middle rope, giving the crowd the finger as a ring side assistant tosses him two Strohs. Johnson, with Stohs in each hand, smashes them together causing the beer to come pouring out. Johnson then raises the beer, tilt his head back and guzzles the spilling beer. All the while the crowd responds in an uproar, cheering in anticipation for the upcoming cage match)

Hey, I don't do the J.O.B. to anyone. I'm just like Hogan from the 80's. Big boot, leg drop, posedown and I'm out. Also, I don't drink Gilby's gin anymore. Now that I'm full-time, I can afford Bombay Sapphire and Capt. Morgans.