Choosing to Enjoy the Journey

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Monthly Archives: September 2012

This is supposed to be my personal blog. My place to write and keep track of all the things I learn and go through and every so often I get retarded and I fuck it up and have to start over, but reguardless this is supposed to be my space. So why is it that when I have had probably the worst weekend in I do not know how long, I don’t feel like I cannot write about it? Well the answer to that is really quite simple, because as soon as I write about it everyone I know is going to know what I am talking about, and then shit is really…….naw actually shit has pretty much already hit the fucking fan. Okay, here goes:

So for a lot of this summer I spent my time with the lovely lady V (From here on out referred to as “The Little One”, you’ll understand why later). We had a great time, she was fun and humorous, she was kind hearted and sweet and generous, she was everything you could want in a friend. (DUN DUN DUN) Seriously? I’m not joking when I say her dark side is like Darth Vader Dark.

Bitch should have been a fucking writer, because no one writes drama like this girl.

Instead of me putting it into sentences let’s just make a list shall we? According to this girl:

My very good friend was cheating on her boyfriend, who’d flown half way across the country to build a life for them

She was stealing V’s clothes, make up and mail

She was having us followed

Our houses were being watched day and night because she’s so important to her family clan that her father wants to make sure we’re all safe

admits to Knowingly and deliberately entering into a three person relationship, broke up a marriage and refuses to acknowledge any remorse or responsibility for her actions

and on and on and on and on it went. You know the sad part? It is really hard to tell when a pathological liar is lying, even when it seems (which it did) as if they may be lying they have a way to drag you back in. For instance plenty of times we would drive somewhere over the summer and it would “seem” as if we were being followed, more often than not? it was her imagination and of course as she was driving you just assumed she was telling the truth. Almost sounds like the acts of a drug addict…without the actual excuse of you know, drugs.

And on and on it would go, until I finally had some time to sit back last weekend and go over some of the shit in my head, and suddenly it was lightbulbs going off every damned where, and bells and whistles and it was not pretty.

So while the little one was away the Nurse sent me a text “Hey let’s meet up for coffee I’ll treat you” I started to cry. You see as a direct result of the lies, the manipulation and the bullshit I had hurt this person this lovely mother of three, and she didn’t even know it. So I called her up and told her the entire ugly truth, everything I had done, I had told her about my less then stellar behavior and everything. You know what she did? The fucking nutcase forgave me. Yeup, after I told her how awful I was, and how I’d been so angry at her, and I had been lead to believing all these awful things about her, this wonderful truly kind hearted spirit forgave me. The little one did not get off so lucky, but maybe thats the point! Maybe when you grow up believing your a princess, the God’s throw a wrench at you to bring you down to earth, the sad part is that for weeks I said something like this was going to happen -sigh- It appears that people are still refusing to listen to my better instincts…….including myself.

To my lovely nurse I love you, thank you for being so wonderful. To the little one……..grow up.

I have to say I am pretty proud of myself. I am now about three months having left the negativity of recovery behind and I really do not miss it. I do not miss the drama, or walking in and having the women spend twenty minutes telling me how awful their lives are before even asking how I am or worse, before even saying hello. I do not miss the men hitting on me or ignoring me, giving me that look, the one that says “your either not hot enough for me to be seen with” or “you are beneath me” I do not miss the false sense of security. I am however great-full for the lessons I took away when I left.

Last night I had a really horrible awful trigger night, and my first inclination was to stay away from any alcohol or booze. My second was to have a shower and my third, and probably most important was to pray. I try to say a prayer of thanks every day but this one was different. This was a prayer of help and aid, and the strangest thing happened – okay yeah I’m a witch strange things always happen around me, but for the first time I started counting backwards and it helped beyond belief.

10 – I am the same person I was

9 – I am not alone

8 – I will not let the darkness surround me

7 – My Goddess will protect me

6 – The Past does not control me

5 – addiction does not control me

4 – Each breath brings calm

3 – I am free of negative influences

2 – Remember the light

1 – I am free and okay

This I recognize is not a cure all, and I know that certain conversations, events, places and people will remind me of the bad days. I know these things will remind me of pretending to be happy when I wasn’t, of giving away my body to men I didn’t love in search for some kind of affection. I know that there will as long as I am alive, be times when it just sucks to wake up. I also know now though more so than ever that I no longer need or want alcohol or pills, drugs or any other kind of escape from my problems. This was a lesson twenty years in the making, I am really fucking proud of myself.

I am proud because I am finding within myself some semblance of peace and frankly isn’t that what this blog is all about? Just one more puzzle piece in the art of finding ohna.

Now normally this wouldn’t bug me but after this happened a thought was struck.

You see earlier tonight on my FB wall I posted a message to someone saying that although I did not know them well if they felt the need to remove me I would wish them well. It was meant as a polite thought out gesture, that was in turn called rude. When I explained instead of saying “oh sorry for the mistake” this person’s friends continued to ridicule me and call me a baby and although my feelings are not in any way harmed I have to wonder…does this happen a lot?

Do people really slap at those who are trying to help? Do you?

How often do we mistake kindness and an attempt to be friendly as intrusive or mean spirited? Worse yet, has our inability to show real genuine affection become hardened by our desire to constantly be connected to the internet?

A wise man recently said that being forced off the internet was the best thing that ever happened to him. At the time I thought he was simply saying what he thought may sound good to whoever needed to hear it but now I wonder, could it be true?

The internet has made it possible for information and friendships to be forged across millions of miles but it has also taken away I think our ability to really connect to those around us. I would love to suggest that we all take a week off but the issue with that is there is work to be done. It is simply unrealistic these days to expect people to get offline. To put it simply the world is run by the internet, information and news spreads first through cellphones, email, websites and twitter before it ever reaches our collective brains.

Our lives are whether or not we like it, controlled by the connections brought to us via the internet. An entire relationship can be fulfilling for some, and utterly disastrous to others. Many had warned us and we did not listen, so here is my question, does the matrix control us? Or do we control the matrix?

Yesterday I was in so much pain I did something I never (and I do mean never ever ever) do. I went into the hospital. I am fine let me get that across first and foremost and secondly it had nothing to do with drugs, alcohol or the abuse of either. It had to do with my period. That yucky topic no one wants to ever discuss because let’s face it ladies, it’s painful gross and it just plain ruins every damned thing in you’re life. Am I right? I am right.

Never trust anything that bleeds for five days a week every month for twelve months a year, that just ain’t right

So I have lost everything. Tried to fix a few things on the site and it all went boom….I’m not really surprised by this but I do ask you bare with me while I try to recreate as much as I can. It may take a bit, so um deal with it?