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In 1997 both Neal and George had major back surgery after carrying one too many bathtubs full of caffeinated, carbonated, goodness. For any normal human beings this would have been a major setback, but Neal and George used the opportunity to have their spines replaced with naquadah powered fusion reactors. Their new spines allow them to perform unimaginable feats of strength, travel at incredible rates of speed, and communicate with ungulates. But don't ask them to, they're not proud of the side effects.

George and Neal walked completely across the country and back in only three days back in 1986. Everyone was really impressed and George and Neal went on the talk-show circuit, landing interviews with the likes of Geraldo, Oprah, Montel, Carson, Letterman, Walters, Humperdink, Stashinova, and Elmo. A Hallmark Special Movie called "The Heroic Journey to Two Wonderful, Influential, Benevolent Human Beings" was being planned to honor their amazing heroism when, during research for the roles of George and Neal, actors Bruce Willis and Julia Roberts discovered that the country George and Neal walked across was actually Monaco and the only reason it took then three days instead of a few hours was that they stopped at several casinos during their stay. The Hallmark movie is still being planned, but has been re-titled "The Great Cross Country Scam". We're OK with that.

In 1981, after the character Orko appeared in the cartoon He-Man, in a move that confused most of the world, Neal sued the cartoon company for infringement of likeness rights. Neal was inspired by George's successful suit a few years earlier for the infringement of likeness rights for the character Skeletor. Both Neal and George are currently receiving royalties on all sales of all the original action figures. So if you sell any of yours at a garage sale, resale shop, craigslist, eBay, etc. please be sure to send us our fair share of the profits.

Interestingly, Teela is listed as one of his friends. Is there something you're not telling us?

In 1988 George and Neal used their teleportation device to travel to the planet Eternia to inform the inhabitants of the successful legal proceedings described above. Unfortunately George was feared due to his uncanny resemblance to Skeletor, while Neal was just laughed at for his humorous antics and glowing eyes. George and Neal left feeling very offended and vowed to never return. We aren't sharing our proceeds from the action figure sales either.

In 1998, George convinced Neal to go on Fear Factor, where Neal went on to eat 50 scorpions, 12 worms, and over a hundred bull testicles. Neal later learned in fact that George had merely played a practical joke and he was never on Fear Factor. Neal would have swore revenge, except that he realized he really liked eating bull testicles so he wasn't all that angry.

Why Neal took a liking to these we will never know, but he just couldn't stop downing them like there was no tomorrow.

Numerous TV shows and Movies (and also a few books) have been based on the life and times of George and Neal. Included in these are: Superman, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (as noted above, however not Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, at least not yet), The Game, Indiana Jones (the first three), Goonies, Knight Rider, The A-Team, Welcome Back Kotter, Gone with the Wind, Beavis & Butthead, Altered States, James and the Giant Peach, everything by Neil Gaiman, Get Smart, Gunsmoke, The Muppet Show, Soylent Green, Plan 9 from Outer Space, The Lorax, Casablanca, Animal Farm, Star Trek Deep Space 9, Hamlet, Tales of a Geisha, and plenty more...

In 1973, Neal and George co-founded the DHARMA initiative (yeah, those Lost guys got the idea from us), in an effort to prevent the pending apocalypse. Also, to make peanut butter that won't stick to the roof of your mouth. Unfortunately, there are those who oppose such a peanut butter, and we have been at war with those Hostiles (or "Jiffys" as we also call them) ever since. We called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and asked them to hold off for a while. Since they too like peanut butter that doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth they agreed to wait until we have perfected our recipe. We've since stopped research on peanut butter, but don't tell the Horsemen.

Famine got lucky this time with a PB&J sandwich. Too bad Pestilence had already handled it and contaminated it with salmonella.

In 2010 George insisted Neal seek therapy to break his addiction to board games. Neal entered the program but came out six weeks later with a great idea for a game called "The Twelve Step Approach". The game has been a big hit in Hollywood and has attracted some of the biggest stars in entertainment, including Nick Nolte, David Hasselhoff, Amy Winehouse, Lindsey Lohan, and Elmo. Neal hopes to capitalize on the game's success with a sequel called "Back on the Wagon" while George is working on a prequel called "I Can't Remember What I Did Last Summer". A live television version of the game is scheduled to be on NBC in the fall of 2010. The working title for the game show version is "Neal or No Neal".

It's anticipated that the show will be a runaway success, just like the board game. In other words, if you run away you might succeed.

In 1983, George and Neal started the hair-metal/country band "Sorry-for-the-Hyphens". They gained a small cult following as a result of their minor semi-autobiographical hits, including: "This-Restraining-Order-Means-I-Love-You"; "Please-Don't-Throw-That-Toaster-In-The-Tub"; "If-Our-Love-Is-Like-Plumbing-Then-Quit-Treating-Me-Like-A-Toilet" and "Your-Heart,-Like-My-Assets,-Is-Frozen". The band dissolved when George started his acting career with the prime-time forensics drama "Sesame Heat - Furry Victims Unit" and Neal created a one-man play, "Batman and Robin Williams". Neither fared all that well.

George and Neal can view the entire electromagnetic spectrum, not only visible light. This has many uses and has helped us with our amazing achievements. We are also able to listen to radio and watch TV by directly observing their transmission signals. However the downside is that we have to wear welders’ masks when we make microwave popcorn and sunglasses when using wi-fi internet access.

In 1920, George unfortunately lost millions investing in a ponzi scheme, in which his investments were used to pay earlier investors. In 1979, Neal lost millions investing in a Fonzi scheme, in which his investments were used to pay Ralph Malph. George was able to make his money back though by traveling to 1979, posing as Ralph Malph, taking Neal's money back to 1918, investing in the same ponzi scheme that he would later lose his money, and thus becoming one of those early investors that made a fortune. Neal, however, is still looking for Ralph Malph but will never find him.

In an effort to avoid paying taxes on his massive fortune, in 1935, Neal established the first truly secular religion, Nealism. Honoring the tenets of this religion involved eating lots of chocolate, sleeping, makin' sweet love down by the fire, and playing video games (the latter being extremely difficult in 1935). Wanting to follow in Neal's footsteps, George created his own religion in 1944, called The First United Orthodox Church of Georgish Science. George amazed his followers by constantly quoting from the Simpsons and the Blues Brothers. Since neither had been created in 1944, his people found George to be the funniest, wittiest man alive.

In 1969, George was up for the role as Greg Brady on the show The Brady Bunch. However, George did not get the part due to "accidentally" throwing a football at Maureen McCormick's face after she rejected his awkward advances (well, at least, they were awkward in 1969. Offering to show someone your hard drive didn't work back then. Well, actually, it doesn't work now, either. What were you thinking, George?). On the plus side, the football-in-Marsha's-nose bit ended up in a later episode. George received no compensation, as the show's producers claim that Eve Plumb came up with the idea of causing injury to Marsha's face. Neal was also determined to land a role in a 70s television show, but could not do so, probably because he kept trying out for roles that he was obviously not a match for (such as Mr. Roeper and/or Mrs. Roeper of Three's Company fame).

George was originally cast in the lead role as Michael Knight for the 1980's TV series Knight Rider, however due to conflicting interests (George was in the process of developing an actual artificial intelligence for a car, as well as a "human-like orifice" - what was that about, George?) he had to refuse the role. Neal was also approached to play a role in the TV series, but he didn't pass the audition process. The producers said he used too much emotion in his portrayal of a talking car. They also thought the voice over part for the car should be played by someone wearing more than platform shoes and a cape. Neal refused to compromise on his artistic interpretation of the part. Neal's love of the platform shoe and cape was the inspiration for Sesame Street's "The Count" - not Dracula, as most people believe was the basis for the character.

Above: what could have been.... But for the conflict of interest, George would have taken the role of Michael Knight, and would have went on to star in Baywatch, and sung arguably acceptable quality rock songs as the Berlin Wall came down. Hasselhoff, on the other hand, would have gone on to star in hundreds of adult films, including "Degradation She Wrote", "Smoke the Bandit", and "Not So Different Strokes". The jury is still out as to which would have been a better reality.

In 1982 Neal and George played the roles of Coy and Vance respectively when John Schneider and Tom Wopat (Bo and Luke) walked off the set of the Dukes of Hazzard due to salary and royalty disputes. Coy and Vance's appearance was a huge hit with fans of the show and as a result of their success they demanded an unbelievable salary to reprise their roles of Coy and Vance Duke the following season. Unfortunately the producers couldn't afford the high price associated with Neal and George's infamy and the terms Schneider and Wopat were asking for suddenly looked more affordable. Thus Bo and Luke returned for the remainder of the show's run.

In addition to the outrageous sums of money Neal and George were demanding, the network just couldn't justify changing the name of the General Lee. They don't know what they were missing...

In 1014, George founded the Kingdom of Northeast Georgia, and became King George I (known affectionately as iKing). Beginning in October of that year iKing George commenced an insane endeavor to name everyone and everything George, or variations thereof.

Just like the Kingdom of Northeast Georgia.

Photo by: Neal

Similar to the show The Smurfs (which was based on the historical Kingdom of Northeast Georgia - Neal was the basis for Gargamel), where everything was "Smurfy", everything in Georgia was "Georgie". (And also similar to the Smurfs, sentences like "Did you George the George on that George, man? Utterly Georgtastic!" were common.) In a complete and utter contradiction to his policies, George named his son "Bagrat" and his daughter "Guarandukht". (You can totally wikipedia that stuff, man. Totally.) In 2010, to honor his friend, Neal guaranteed that his next child would be named either "Bagrat" or "Guarandukht". As an aside, Bagrat is actually George's Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great Grandfather, which poses all sorts of delicious paradoxes, the likes of which could literally make a quantum physicist's head implode. This paradox is set to be storylines on upcoming episodes of "Lost" and "So You Think You Can Dance".

In 2014, after declaring bankruptcy and losing everything, George and Neal came to their rescue and offered both Rod Blagojevich and Donald Trump an opportunity to stop living on the streets of Chicago and sharing a cardboard box behind Tony Rezko's house (i.e. under the El tracks on Van Buren and Clark). In 2015 the SyFy channel aired a special live presentation of ECW Wrestling. The match-up was a bloody battle between Blago's and Trump's hair. The 6 hour battle was called a draw but ended up spawning a spin-off show called "Law and Order and Corruption - You're Fired Unit", which aired on NBC after "Law and Order - Not Quite As Special Victims Unit", before "Law and Order - Criminal Negligence", on alternate weeks with "Law and Order - Park District Squad" but only during the off season for "Law and Order - Police Brutality".

In 1990, George began producing Martha Stewart's new cooking show, "Cookin' with Martha and Neal". The show ran for two very successful seasons; however, relations between Martha and Neal became strained, resulting in an on-air, climactic and violent fight between the two. Neal did not count on Martha's extremely long reach and proficiency with kitchen knives, and as a result he suffered greatly.

She'd as soon kill you as look at you.

Photo by: Neal

Thankfully, George managed to bring Neal's corpse to the year 2050, where Neal was resuscitated. As a practical joke, George had Neal's testicles enlarged 500% and moved to his back. Surprisingly, Neal liked the new look, and his coinpurse remains unreasonably gigantic and misplaced to this day.

In the mid 1980's, Neal and George were hired by ABC to produce a series of after-school specials. Those of you who grew up in the 80's may remember (and still be traumatized by) their shows, including the safety episode, "Where did my thumb go?: Little Sammy's Shop Class Adventure"; the puberty/safe-sex episode "What's Growin' On You Could Kill You If You Use It Wrong"; the stranger-danger episode, "The Man Asking You to Sit on His Lap and Asking You To Whisper What You Want Is Not Really Santa Claus"; and the anti-drug episode, "Cocaine Will Prevent You From Success, the George W. Bush Story" (who knew in the 80's?). Surprisingly, it took three years before they were fired for their incompetence - heck, before they were fired, they even aired the confusing and long-titled episode "Don't Trust What TV Tells You To Do Except For This Show In Which Case You Should Trust It Entirely Because We Are Always Right And Have the Right To Tell You How To Live Your Life, And Hey, If We Don't Tell You To Brush Your Teeth And Stop Picking On Kids In Glasses How Will You Ever Learn These Lessons?".

Given the success of the novel (and soon to be movie) Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (a mashup story combining Jane Austen's classic 1813 novel Pride and Prejudice with elements of modern zombie fiction), Neal and George decided to pen a few of their own novels. George wrote "Different Strokes of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre" a riveting tale about a family with cute adoptive kids who go on murderous sprees (when you hear "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout?" you better RUN!). Neal decided to write the kid-friendly "Cujo vs. Clifford" in which Clifford the Big Red Dog convinces Cujo to go to the vet to get rabies shots. The two joined forces on the lovable undead family comedic drama, "Mummy Dearest". None of the aforementioned books have been optioned as movies, and many literary organizations have banded together to prevent Neal and George from ever writing another word again.

After the success of the show "The L-Word", Neal and George produced a television show based upon Neal's life. In retrospect, it should have been obvious that a television show called "The N-Word" was destined for failure. The show based on George's life, "It's a G Thang" also didn't fare well, but didn't rack up quite as many law suits.

In 2007, hoping to cash in and ride on the success of American Idol, but knowing his limitations (such as poor fashion sense, body odor, warbley singing, weird eyebrows, crooked teeth, mismatched nostrils.... [editor's note: many of Neal's failings have been deleted to preserve Facebook's memory/storage]), Neal prompted George to create Vatican Idol, which he would then try out for. As Vatican City is the smallest country in the world by both area and population (pop: 900), Neal was sure to win the title. Or so he thought. Voted "Vatican City's 900th best singer," Neal suffered through the worst of Simon Cowell's caustic remarks, including: "I have seen more talent contained in the bowels of a seven-day-deceased rodent," "I would rather listen to spider-monkeys mating than hear another second of you singing", and "Despite the fact that all you did was sing, I can unequivocally say that you are the worst human being ever to exist on the face of the planet." Ouch. Neal then set his sights on performing in So You Think You Can Dance?. That, too, went poorly. Hopefully he will fare better on George's newest show, So You Think You Can Sit?.

So tense... So exciting... Can you stay in your seat?

Photo by: Neal

George, on the other hand, began producing hit after hit in the reality programming world, including: The Amazing Standing In Place, Britain's Got Teeth Problems, and The Last Accountant Standing.

In 1993 George and Neal used the Time Machine in conjunction with the Teleportation Device and wound up in an alternate reality where families sit around and do nothing but watch us on TV. Apparently in this alternate reality we are absolutely fascinating. We think it was mostly because TV was in color while real-life was just black & white.

Families are glued to their TV sets watching George try to dance.

Photo by: George

Neal's ugly mug helps sell the latest in TV technology...

Photo by: George

Notice how she likes fiddling with George's knobs? Neal is sooo jealous.

Wanting to attain fame, but hoping to do so with as little effort as humanly possible, George and Neal went back in time to be recast in Hollywood blockbuster movies and shows. First, Neal "borrowed" Barret Oliver's role in The Neverending Story.

"Whee! Whee! Wh... Hey, this thing smells like an old foot. Can we stop shooting?"

Photo by: Neal

Then Neal was cast in our nation's finest show, Gimme a Break! - assuming the role previously cast by Joey Lawrence.

If Shakespeare were alive, he'd be jealous.

Photo by: Neal

Wanting to get in on the fun, George took Ron Howard's role as Opie Taylor in the Andy Griffith Show.

This is the reason scientists worked tirelessly to create Tivo.

Photo by: Neal

After Neal appeared in both the 70's movie Star Wars, as well as the show about the 70's, "That 70's Show", Neal retired his acting career/identity theft.

Neal is the one on the left.

Photo by: Neal

Topher Grace was less than thrilled at the new direction of the show.

Photo by: Neal

George, however, went on to star in The Brady Bunch, Punky Brewster, The A-Team, Cheers, Three's Company, and All in the Family before moving on to his newest passion, competitive Butter Churning. (The First Rule of Competitive Butter Churning... You Do Not Talk About Butter Churning. The second rule is pretty much the same as the first.)

With hair of... um... nevermind.

Photo by: Neal

The sexual tension between George and Rhea Perlman was so intense that scientists classified it as a new periodic element ("Georgantium")

In 2025 George and Neal received a grant from the US government to study the long held belief that if you give a billion monkeys a billion typewriters eventually they'll type the complete works of Shakespeare. Unfortunately our study ended prematurely after 32 years when one of the monkeys figured out how to convert the typewriter into a jackhammer and broke all the other monkeys out of our research facility. We were however left with several Stephen King novels, three seasons of Saturday Night Live, the 1876 edition of the Farmers Almanac, and "How to Win Friends & Influence People" translated to Klingon, not to mention a very stinky research facility.

The Klingon Language Edition of "How to Win Friends & Influence People" quickly became the best selling edition. Who would have thought that people who speak Klingon would need friends or would like to influence people?

In 2020 George and Neal produced a very special episode of Dateline's "To Catch A Predator". It was a great success and they captured a lion, three grizzly bears, a pair of jaguars, three red-tailed hawks, six rattlesnakes, one mongoose, a vast assortment of spiders, a man-o-war jellyfish, a tyrannosaurus rex, two alligators, a couple of venus flytraps, and one big dude with glow-in-the-dark blood, awesome mandibles, greenish skin, rad dreads, and some pretty cool weapons. We've been asked back to do a follow up special where we'll attempt to catch the elusive Nashville Predators.

Chris Hansen with our catch of the day. Let me tell you, this guy was not happy. He kept muttering about how he was only after the queen. Later we had to call an exterminator to clean up an infestation of Internecivus raptus, but since this was To Catch A Predator and not To Catch A Parasite, those clips didn't air.

In 2040, Neal and George created a television news program devoted solely to chronicling their (mis)adventures, called the George and Neal Newsnetwork (or "GNN"). GNN hit an all-time high Nielsen rating during Neal's cooking show with Martha Stewart (see above). The ratings peak? - 4 viewers. Thanks to George and Neal's moms! (The lowest ratings valley? The week-long "All Nude Review", where viewership dipped by 4.)

In 1998, Neal became overwhelmingly frustrated when he tried to crack the mysteries of the complex literary tome, "Where's Waldo?" After a near-breakdown, George decided to help his friend, as well as the public at large, by publishing "There's Waldo, Right Freakin' There". It became an overnight sensation, quickly selling out multiple editions and translated into 58 languages (Though, other than the title, there wasn't much to translate). George and Neal are set to publish their next traumatic/educational book, "Where in the Morgue is Carmen Sandiego?"

Even so, it took Neal about 35 minutes to find Waldo.

Photo by: Neal

Described as "more disturbing than Hostel 2", this game was banned in most language-speaking countries. Despite this, George and Neal have decided to continue working on their next project, "The Magic School Bus: Field Trip to the Abattoir".

Since 1986, every Friday evening, on odd numbered days, in years with digits that add up to 3 or 8, George and Neal hang out with Max Headroom. Un-un-unfortunately the stutters and low resolution imaging tend to stick- tend to stick- stick- stick- with you for much longer than your visit to the Network 23 mainframe.

Usually we'd just end up watching TV shows Max was able to tap into (skipping over all those annoying blipverts, of course - no heads exploding here).

After the success of online dating websites such as "Eharmony" and "J-Date" (a social/dating website for Jewish people), George and Neal created their own dating websites, including:

- "Hey-Hey-Hey" Date, the world's largest singles network for those people who like the character Dwayne Clemens Nelson from the now-defunct television sitcom, "What's Happening!!"; - L-Harmony - the singles network for Lepers; and - Rrhrrrhhhhrrrrrrrgrrhhdate.com, the dating website devoted entirely to newly-turned zombies.

Although each was quite successful for a period of time, only Rrhrrrhhhhrrrrrrrgrrhhdate.com withstood the tests of time. Although Neal and George are not zombies, they occasionally log on time with the site. You can find Neal and George under their respective pseudonyms, "Grauh?" and "Dr. Teeth".

Meat someone with similar tastes as you, or your neighbor, or the neighbor's dog...

By 2012 NBC was having trouble finding people for its hit show "America's Got Talent". So they created a sequel, which George and Neal tried out for in 2013. Unfortunately they didn't make it past the first round of voting in "America's Run Out of Talent".

George & Neal's performance of their short play, "Vegetables vs Knights" spurred a standing ovation, weeping in the audience, and rave reviews. However, they were asked to leave the show because their level of talent was just over the allowed threshold.

In 2023 George and Neal each got jobs as meteorologists for competing local Chicago VV stations (VV will be the replacement for TV in the future). Both made the promise to their stations that within the first year they would be able to refine their techniques so that their forecasting would be 100% accurate. After significant analysis of sophisticated weather forecasting algorithms they both managed to make good on their promises; George by limiting his forecasts to only the current weather, Neal by only predicting the previous day's weather. They were still more accurate than any other meteorologist in history. Oddly enough, neither of them thought of using their time machine to visit the future to get their perfect predictions.

Neal never took his meteorologist job seriously. This was one of the tamer weather systems he had fun with. You should see what he can do with a tropical depression. Also note that Chicago will be moved and become the entire state of Ohio.

Overwhelmed by the success of the Harry Potter franchise (books, movies, games, cereals, tampons, etc.) and eager to revive the 1970's sitcoms, in 2009 George and Neal created the show, "Welcome Back Potter." It was an instant success, if you measured success by how quickly a show gets removed from a network.

Above: promotional photograph for "Harry Potter and the Unruly Sweathogs".

In 1933, Columbia's "3 Nice Regular Guys" premiered, starring Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and George Jaros. The three produced 25 eight-to-twelve minute shorts, wherein the three gentlemen treated each other with utmost respect and kindness. Much of the shorts consisted of handshakes and compliments. The reviews and ratings were horrid. This led to a severe decrease in pay. Since it was George's suggestion that Moe and Larry leave promising jobs as orthodontists to pursue acting, the latter two developed a deep and secret hatred towards an unsuspecting George. One day, the pressure was too much, and they beat him within an inch of his life. The thrashing was unknowingly filmed, and proved so hilarious (many considering George's "not in the face, not in the face!" pleas their favorite moment) and popular that repeated showings sold out. Soon re-dubbed "The 3 Stooges" with the focus on gross body injuries resulting from idiotic behavior, Columbia had a hit. George, not being used to the constant beatings that most people in the 1930's had become accustomed to, could not continue on in the show. With no hard feelings, Larry and Moe agreed to hire George's great-great-great uncle, Curly Howard Jaros. The rest, as they say, was history. Until George and Neal decide to change it again.

"The 3 Gentlemen," just moments before George's pain brought happiness to so many.

For six years, from 2021 to 2027 Neal tried very hard to get the world to pick up male-leotards as the latest fashion trend (he called them Nealotards). Those are known as the "Twenty Twenty Dark Ages" because not only did it occur during the 2020's, but Neal was featured on 20/20 in 2022 and also anyone with 20-20 vision went blind when they saw Neal strutting his stuff. Coincidentally, Neal is facing 20 law suits after this stunt.

Tired of caring for three children (yes, George, that includes you), Julie recruited Clarissa to go on a time traveling "ladies only" vacation. While the women were gone, George and Neal successfully fended for themselves and the kids, subsisting on a diet of ramen noodles and old fritos they found in couch cushions. Though neither George nor Neal nor the children changed their clothes during the entire time Clarissa and Julie were gone (7 days or 4,000 years depending on how you view time travel), the capable fathers made a game of it. Adin won 1st prize in "Who's That Smell?", an amateur game that George and Neal made up (which they later sold to the CNN network in 3014 - as at that time CNN ceased being a news network and reformed as a pornography / sitcom network). Meanwhile, Clarissa and Julie traveled to Ancient Greece, because Clarissa loves Greek food. Ironically, she felt that the food there didn't compare with the Greek food of 2012. Go figure. Upon their return, Julie and Clarissa refused to tell George and Neal what happened during their stay (because as we know, what happens in Ancient Greece stays in Ancient Greece). Still, Julie and Clarissa must have had some trip, as now all depictions of the Greek Gods Hera and Aphrodite look exactly like them.

This picture was the inspiration for both the 12 hour clock, and erotic cakes. I'm not really sure how that last one relates, but, eh, there you go.

In 1984, during George and Neal's famous Cow Experimentation period (it's not what it sounds like), they successfully bred cows with extremely high intelligence. As a result, George and Neal became strict vegetarians, and hid the nation's beef. This coincidentally coincided with Wendy's "Where's the Beef?" campaign, and therefore the public thought the lack of beef was merely a marketing stunt. Unfortunately for cows but fortunately for the meat-eating public, the hyper-intelligent cows did not live longer than three days, so the meat was redistributed (that's what she... well, you know where I'm going with that, so let's just move on). Still though, if the cows had survived, what a world it would be... In the three short days they were alive, they founded the United Democratic Distribution of Edible Relief (known as U.D.D.E.R.), an institution devoted to ending worldwide hunger. The organization focused on the mass distribution of chickens, pigs, platypus, and other farm enemies.

In July 1972 George and Neal were members of the Apollo 19 mission to the moon. After landing in the Hyginus Rille region-Linear Rille, crater area. We were part of a team that explored a clutch of crashed extraterrestrial vehicles, several large egg shaped objects with an "Ork or Bust" sticker on the back of one. In 1978 we made a television series about our discovery.

Unbeknownst to most people, the original Star Trek series was actually a documentary series about George and Neal's adventures. Captain Kirk and his crew were part of a film crew charged with a 5 year mission to explore planets and civilizations that were originally discovered and documented (and sometimes even created) by George and Neal during their adventures. The original catch phrase for the show was "To boldly go where no man (except for George and Neal) has gone before", however to better fit onto promotional posters (and since whether George and Neal were men or gods was a hotly debated topic in the late 1960's) it was shortened to the well known phrase, which I'm sure you are very familiar with. If not, then go ask a nerd.

While sneaking on set to check out the progress of the documentary on planet Exo III, Neal was just a little too excited to see that Kirk had found his lost phallus.

In 2099 scientists astounded the world by developing genetically engineered little blue creatures that wore nothing but white pants and hats. OK, so those scientists were George and Neal. What can we say, we loved the Smurfs. Unfortunately these obnoxious blue critters bred incredibly fast, considering there was only one female. The blue varmints were quickly shipped off to a remote island in the mid-Atlantic Ocean where they quickly covered the land several feet deep. A year later Neal and George were visiting the island to see how the blue pests were coping when they were viciously attacked. Luckily Neal always carries a collapsible surfboard in his front pocket (no, he's not just happy to see you). He quickly whipped it out (the surfboard you pervert) and George and Neal were able to ride a wave of blue scourge back to safety. This event was recorded and broadcast on the 6:00 news worldwide. The few people who still watched TV for their news in 2100 were amazed and the idea became the newest extreme sport. The contaminated island became a hot spot of tourist activity while thrill seekers would ride wave after wave of the blue plague. By 2148 Smurfing was an Olympic sport, attracting thousands of spectators. That is, until the blue blight evolved teeth and ate the entire 2164 Italian Women's Olympic Team. 2165's Operation Gargamel was ironically a success and wiped the Earth clean of the blue contamination. On a side note, we don't like the Smurfs any more.

Until these fiends evolved teeth, wiping out tickled quite a bit and was somewhat enjoyable, in an uncomfortable sort of way, which is exactly how Neal likes to be tickled.

In 1983 George convinced Patrick Stewart that it was time to change his hairstyle and shave his afro. Neal suggested a mohawk instead, which Patrick tried, but after a few months Patrick decided the mowhawk wasn't an edgy enough hair and it was time to go for a classically timeless skullet. He wore the skullet to great success as Gurney Halleck in 1984's Dune, however in 1987 Neal tried to talk Patrick into turning the skullet into Bozo hair, but he wisely refused and instead decided to go for the full cue ball effect. The glabrescent style became part of his trademark look and helped him land the iconic role of Captain Jean Luc Picard after Robert H. Justman, producer for a revival of a long-cancelled television show, saw Patrick while attending a literary reading at UCLA. The rest is, as they say, "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot."

'The Prime Directive is not just a set of rules; it is a philosophy ... and a very correct one. History has proven again and again that whenever mankind interferes with a less developed civilization, no matter how well intentioned that interference may be, the results are invariably disastrous, but not as disastrous as this hair cut.' - Jean Luc Picard

The long running television series Doctor Who is loosely based on George and Neal's adventures, except their time machine does not look like a police box (their Rock Smoothie Machine looks more like a port-a-potty), they aren't time lords from another planet (they do have two hearts though - one each), they cause just about as many problems as they solve, they can't regenerate (at least not yet), while they have had a lot of nicknames in the past, The Doctor has never been one of them, they have no fear of becoming a red head, and they are much better looking than The Doctor. They do, however, occasionally take companions on their journeys. But unlike The Doctor, their companions are not random people they stumble into odd situations with. Instead their companions are carefully selected from an applicant pool of interested parties. Once a suitable companion is selected (they must of course be approved by their wives first), only then will the companion be subjected to odd situations. If you are interested in being an applicant please send a head shot, complete contact information, short description of yourself, photograph of your first pet, a 534 word essay on why you think George and Neal are the most incredible humans to exist in any (or all) time, and $163.26 in Canadian to: P.O. Box 75112, Gallifrey Way, New New York, NNY 314159.

The Time Machine on a relaxing jaunt to pre-Ice Age Siberia. Or was it Serbia? Or Suburbia?

In 1978 a temporary glitch in George and Neal's Time Machine (well, not so much a glitch as Neal spilling a tub of Tang drink mix onto the controls - you'd think a time machine originally designed for making smoothies would be more resilient) caused a temporal-reality-rift. Nothing much was changed, except that Scott Baio was turned into a tasty Spanish dessert. That's ok though, because Scott went on to make his well known hits, Happy Days, Joanie Loves Churros, and Churros in Charge. Despite the name changes the shows still earned rave reviews and Baio was still a heart throb, although among overweight women with a sweet tooth instead of young teenage girls.

Doesn't that just make you want to have a churro? If you need a churro right now, join others just like you here: I Need a Churro

In 1904, just one year after Elmer Riggs published his paper stating that Apatosaurus and Brontosaurus were the same creature, George and Neal discovered the skeleton of a brand new sauropod during an archeological dig in Turkey Creek Canyon near Morrison, Colorado. While significantly smaller than Apatosaurus, George and Neal's discovery was interesting in the fact that it appeared to be bipedal and was discovered alongside what appeared to be a petrified outfit, consisting of a vest, gloves, and even a ray gun. To add to people's confusion they decided to name their new discovery "Brontosaurus II", or, more affectionately, Bronto Thunder. Over the next few years they discovered a wide range of heavily armed, bipedal dinosaur fossils. These discoveries were largely ignored (and openly ridiculed) by the scientific community, even though George and Neal used their time machine to travel back to 78,000,543 BCE to learn more about these fascinating creatures, bring them back to the present day, and join them on all sorts of wacky adventures. Finally, in 1987 The Coca-Cola Company took notice of George and Neal's publications in Paleontology Today, and decided to animate the adventures. Dinosaucers aired for one season in 1987 and 1988, adding to The Coca-Cola Company's list of '80s achievements, which also included New Coke (aka Coke II), Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, and Coca-Cola Telecommunications.

Coca-Cola Communications insisted on including Clem (on the left) in the animated series. George and Neal responded with "Who?"

The Wilhelm Scream is pretty well known for being a sound effect used in many, many movies. What is less well known is that George and Neal also provided sound effects that have been used in numerous movies, too. George made the original Jaros Yodel and Neal made the sounds for the Simon Whimper.

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The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures through Time and Space (and Pudding)! is fully supported by... Well, nothing currently. We recently added ads (is that redundantly repetitive?) to our site in the hopes that we can earn a little bit of cash to pay to keep this site running. You see, all the piles and piles of money we make through our various business ventures, inventions, good fortune, and, ahem, other various schemes goes right back into funding for more research, travels, lawsuits, and general debauchery. So you see, there's nothing really left to keep this website going.

So, if you feel so inclined, you may graciously donate your organs, blood, or other bodily fluids to keep our website going. Or you could just send us a few bucks via PayPal, we're pretty easy like that (that's what she said). In return you'll gain the satisfaction of knowing that you are helping to educate millions and billions of individual cells (which really amounts to only a fraction of a person since it is estimated that the brain contains somewhere between 80-120 billion nerve cells (neurons), and neurons only make up about 50% of the cells in a human brain). Oh, and if you so request, we might include you in a future adventure (or maybe a past one).

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Thanks for reading, and we hope you're not too traumatized after your visit.

This site. The best. Bigly good. Those other sites? SAD. So sad. But George and Neal? I mean, trust me. I know good people. I know - I'm the best at knowing good people and you'd be amazed at what those guys can do. Fantastic job, you two.

Well, how about that! We got a comment from someone other than Clem or evil Bette. Thanks for your support Rich, we hope you're doing well, too. It's been a long time since we've talked, so we'll head back to 1998 and pay you a visit then. Bucket run?