a peek inside the poetic freak

I’ve decided to make this post bilingual for some (or maybe a few) reason(s) I myself don’t even know. But whilst having the same main topics, they each convey different information. No, I’m not asking you to read both. It’s just for your information.

So the other day after Dad got out of the shower he randomly came up to me and told me I should speak with my sister in English from time to time. You know, to help her get used to it and understand it better. The “request” bugged me for some reasons I’ll explain in a minute or two. But I just nodded and started telling him about how some friends at my school asked why I don’t speak English.

Then he snapped. It was sudden, but not that surprising. He said I wasn’t willing to help my sister. That I’d always let the family down. That there’s no use putting hope in me.

No, no, no. That wasn’t what I was trying to do. I was just telling a story, for the love of chocolate sprinkles!

But it’s not just my parents. My friends too. When I write something it’s a normal thing to see some curious faces glancing. A few who read what I write sometimes nag “Why didn’t you write it in English?” or something along that line. And when I ask people, “Should I write in Bahasa or English?” they usually answer “ENGLISH!” and some even go one step further and talk about how disgustingly mushy words in Bahasa sound. I know, some are like that. But did they have to do me a favor and point that out? I. Think. Not.

I do read, watch, and write more in English, but that’s all because some things are easier said in English than Bahasa. Since I don’t speak English most of the time, it also keeps my passable skills in check. I’m not all that fluent. I don’t need what I know to start degrading. As for my writings (poems in general, to be exact) I just write them and use either Bahasa or English according to my mood and the circumstances. I’d rather buy expensive books in the original English text than buy cheaper translated versions. The ambiance’s different, and to be frank I’ve rarely spotted a translated book that could really satisfy me.

Bahasa Indonesia is and always will be my first language. Just because I get good grades in English or maybe someday move to some other country doesn’t mean I have to throw that fact away. Sometimes people ask why I don’t speak English. Sometimes it’s hard to hold back the urge to ask back.

“It’s my first language, and yourstoo, I might add. Why do you see Bahasa as something that’s disgusting or cheesy? Why do you constantly persist to use English even when you’re not good at it and don’t even want to try and learn proper English?”

Maybe I should print that out. Then anytime someone “right” asks I’d just hand them a card and walk away. I’d rather be mistaken for a jerk than be prodigal towards my own country’s official language.

And it’s true, really. There are a lot of us who use English or another foreign language to make ourselves sound more official, more important. Then we make mistakes. And we don’t even bother to correct them when someone points them out. Even if it’s annoying, it’s kind of a kind gesture. They care about how we use language though if it’s for their eyes’ comfort.

I don’t know why being able to speak English is “cool”. Being able to speak in more than one language is cool. Abandoning one for the other isn’t. It’s not like we have a limit to how many languages we could actually learn if we have the time and will. You could still learn English while managing to improve your language skills in Bahasa (and other languages) as well, though if you’re learning three or more languages simultaneously you deserve a big bowl of ice cream from time to time.

I like something a friend said. Basically she said people should learn their first language properly before learning a second. That’s true. I have fairly decent grammar. I know basic vocabulary and punctuation. But what about all those times I need a dictionary to go with the book I’m reading? All those times my eyebrows crunch together because I’m not sure if I’ve spelled a word right?

I’m still learning Bahasa.

And they want me to just focus on English just because it seems cooler in their eyes? To minimize using Bahasa because English is a more popular language?