Saturday, March 24, 2012

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 23, 2012. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Newt Gingrich today said he’s jealous because the only tool he ever gets compared to is a dildo.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Mitt Romney being compared to an Etch-A-Sketch

By the end of the year, if you want an abortion, first you must defeat the World Wrestling star, The Undertaker.
- Bill Maher on the proposed abortion laws

By this logic, if anybody ever shoots Geraldo, it’ll be because his mustache makes him look like The Bandito.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Geraldo’s controversial excuse about Trayvon Martin wearing a hoodie

This law they have in Florida, this “stand your ground’ law where you can use can use any amount of force if you think there is some amount of perceived threat; good thing they don’t’ have that here because my lawn would be littered with Jehovah’s Witnesses.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

But he doesn’t like black people…what’s in his voice is the word ‘coon,’ we heard that on the tape and then he shot a black kid. So maybe, I’m a leaping to conclusions but what I’m getting is this guy is a racist asshole.
- Bill Maher referring to George Zimmerman

It is the rape defense that she wore something too revealing and was looking for it. There are no ‘come shoot me clothes.’
- Charles M. Blow on Geraldo’s ‘hoodie’ defense

He insists that he did not do this out of homophobia. Some court decided what was in his mind, for him and he risked a lot to insist that he wasn’t a bigot.
- Andrew Sullivan on the Dharun Ravi defense

I think that Republicans have now gone through their five stages of grief…denial – Herman Cain, Bargaining – Rick Perry, Anger – Newt Gingrich, Depression – Rick Santorum and finally acceptance – Mitt Romney…Finally, a robot designed neither to love or be loved.
- Bill Maher

New Rule: You can't wear a blue polo shirt and khakis to Wal-Mart and then get all pissy with me when I mistake you for an employee. And that goes double for the guy in the meat department, wearing the bloody smock. So I thought you worked here - is that really so much more degrading than you just shopping here?
- Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: Stop opening banks. Every time a useful business like a video store, a dry cleaner, or a marijuana dispensary closes, it becomes a bank. They're multiplying faster than Palins. But why? We have the Internet, we have ATMSÉ how many little old ladies with rolls of quarters are there? I've been inside a bank once in ten years, and that was only because I needed a giant cardboard check.
- Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: Now that John Boehner has cried while listening to traditional Irish music at the St. Patrick's Day luncheon it's not funny anymore. Seriously, John, tell us: where did the priest touch you? Show me on the doll.
- Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

Thursday, March 22, 2012

THIS week, Robert De Niro made a joke about first ladies, and Newt Gingrich said it was “inexcusable and the president should apologize for him.” Of course, if something is “inexcusable,” an apology doesn’t make any difference, but then again, neither does Newt Gingrich.

Mr. De Niro was speaking at a fund-raiser with the first lady, Michelle Obama. Here’s the joke: “Callista Gingrich. Karen Santorum. Ann Romney. Now do you really think our country is ready for a white first lady?”

The first lady’s press secretary declared the joke “inappropriate,” and Mr. De Niro said his remarks were “not meant to offend.” So, as these things go, even if the terrible damage can never be undone, at least the healing can begin. And we can move on to the next time we choose sides and pretend to be outraged about nothing.

When did we get it in our heads that we have the right to never hear anything we don’t like? In the last year, we’ve been shocked and appalled by the unbelievable insensitivity of Nike shoes, the Fighting Sioux, Hank Williams Jr., Cee Lo Green, Ashton Kutcher, Tracy Morgan, Don Imus, Kirk Cameron, Gilbert Gottfried, the Super Bowl halftime show and the ESPN guys who used the wrong cliché for Jeremy Lin after everyone else used all the others. Who can keep up?

This week, President Obama’s chief political strategist, David Axelrod, described Mitt Romney’s constant advertising barrage in Illinois as a “Mittzkrieg,” and instantly the Republican Jewish Coalition was outraged and called out Mr. Axelrod’s “Holocaust and Nazi imagery” as “disturbing.” Because the message of “Mittzkrieg” was clear: Kill all the Jews. Then the coalition demanded not only that Mr. Axelrod apologize immediately but also that Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz “publicly rebuke” him. For a pun! For punning against humanity!

The right side of America is mad at President Obama because he hugged the late Derrick Bell, a law professor who believed we live in a racist country, 22 years ago; the left side of America is mad at Rush Limbaugh for seemingly proving him right.

If it weren’t for throwing conniption fits, we wouldn’t get any exercise at all.

I have a better idea. Let’s have an amnesty — from the left and the right — on every made-up, fake, totally insincere, playacted hurt, insult, slight and affront. Let’s make this Sunday the National Day of No Outrage. One day a year when you will not find some tiny thing someone did or said and pretend you can barely continue functioning until they apologize.

If that doesn’t work, what about this: If you see or hear something you don’t like in the media, just go on with your life. Turn the page or flip the dial or pick up your roll of quarters and leave the booth.

The answer to whenever another human being annoys you is not “make them go away forever.” We need to learn to coexist, and it’s actually pretty easy to do. For example, I find Rush Limbaugh obnoxious, but I’ve been able to coexist comfortably with him for 20 years by using this simple method: I never listen to his program. The only time I hear him is when I’m at a stoplight next to a pickup truck.

When the lady at Costco gives you a free sample of its new ham pudding and you don’t like it, you spit it into a napkin and keep shopping. You don’t declare a holy war on ham.

I don’t want to live in a country where no one ever says anything that offends anyone. That’s why we have Canada. That’s not us. If we sand down our rough edges and drain all the color, emotion and spontaneity out of our discourse, we’ll end up with political candidates who never say anything but the safest, blandest, emptiest, most unctuous focus-grouped platitudes and cant. In other words, we’ll get Mitt Romney.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

If you grow up in America, it's pretty rare if you don't love money. One of the first things I ever remember being punished for was stealing money. Five dollars, off my father's dresser. I was so little, I don't think I even knew it was wrong to take something that wasn't specifically mine -- I recall this being my introduction to the concept of "larceny is bad." But somehow, I knew it was good to have cash.

After I left my middle class household at 18, standard of living took a real tumble for a while. At Cornell, I had no money, and boy did I look it. They called where I lived the last three years Collegetown, but Collegetown was really slums in a rural setting. Landlords did not have to work that hard in Ithaca, N.Y. -- every year, there was fresh supply of eager tenants among the students who didn't want to live in a sorority or fraternity. It was a sweet market for a slumlord.

But even that looked good compared to what was waiting for me as I began my illustrious career as a standup comedian in New York City in 1979. First year I lived on 99th Street in Spanish Harlem, a five-floor walk up, toilet down the hall. No shower -- a tub that sat in the kitchen with a snake-like attachment that hooked up to the kitchen sink. Walked home every night from the comedy clubs on the tony Upper East Side, watching the neighborhoods become poorer and scarier as I made my way north, and I'm sure the only reason I was never robbed was, they took one look at me and knew it wasn't worth the trouble. Sometimes, freedom really is just another word for nothing left to lose.

And yet, in a short 33 years, things had turned around enough so that I was able to give a million dollars to the super PAC of a certain mixed-race president who, I would like to remind all my overconfident progressive friends, does NOT have this election in the bag. And a lot of people this last week have said the same thing to me: "You're not picking up the drinks tonight?"

The great thing about having been poor is how liberated it makes you if you eventually become rich. There's nothing like the knowledge that you don't need money to survive. That the money cushion you lie on every night doesn't have to be three feet thick, and you can still get to sleep.

Other people seemed surprised I had a million dollars, which amused me. I've had a television show since 1993; television pays well -- I may even have another million lying around somewhere. Every year when I visit my accountant in December to see how the year went, he always says I'm the best saver of all his clients, which amazes me, because I feel like I deprive myself of absolutely nothing. I once asked him, what do your other clients spend their money on? Because I know who some of his other clients are, and I know they make WAY more than I do. He said that what they spend their money on is always changing, and that's not even the point -- the point is, however much money they make that year, they always spend all of it! That's how they think: have money, spend it, because the real tragedy would be to die and have money left over.

Me? I just don't have expensive tastes I guess -- I don't collect cars or paintings or jewelry, and I gave up my heroin habit years ago. But I also know that, as I said when I presented that giant check to Priorities USA Action last Thursday at the end of my stand up special on Yahoo!, "This hurts!" I was trying to make the point that if I could do it, a lot of other people could do it a lot more easily than me. You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood -- with the possible exception of Silicon Valley and Ben & Jerry's ice cream. There's a reason that of the 16 billionaires that have contributed to super PACs this year, 14 have given to Republicans. It is generally the party of the rich. And in a post-Citizens United world, the party of the rich has an advantage like they've never had before. In 2008, the most you could give to a candidate was $2,300. Now it's Infinity. No, the election is not in the bag.

Republicans sure have the right symbol with the elephant. Republican debates are nothing but elephants in the room.

The biggest of which must be: to someone out there who's hurting, they spend the whole two hours yammering away about earmarks and illegal immigrants and contraception and every other peripheral, wish-I-had-the-time-to-worry-about-it issue they can think of.

Then there is the elephant of how they all -- with the sometime exception of Ron Paul -- nod along to insane statements just because they don't want to ever look like they're to the left of anybody, on anything, especially the evilness of Barack Obama. So Wednesday night when Newt said the president of the United States had a history of practicing infanticide... yep, yep, yessir, that's what he does all right. Clubs infants like baby seals in his spare time. Ike played golf, Kennedy liked boating...

Ron Paul said foreign aid just helps our enemies. Which, I believe, would make Israel and Egypt our two biggest enemies. Yup, yup, hate foreign aid. A meaningless percentage of the budget, btw.

Newt said where government becomes the central provider of services, it's a move towards tyranny -- yeah, except in all the countries where it isn't, like all of Scandanavia and much of Europe. Today a barium enema paid for by medicare, tomorrow Poland.

And isn't a highlight of every debate when Mitt Romney takes umbrage at being accused of the best thing he ever did in his life -- Romneycare? Something he should be proud of? Last night he took out his dueling glove and declared that when he was governor, he made sure there was NO requirement from the church to provide morning after pills for rape victims. They will be punished with a baby, as Jesus would want. Mitt's attitude is always, "How dare you accuse me of helping people or being compassionate! Why, I'll have you know I'm every bit as much of a cold hearted bastard as any of these other pricks up here with me!"

"But Mitt, we have a picture of you giving money to a homeless person."

"I did NOT give a bum money! I was paying him to blow me!"

This Republican field over the last year has been such a comedy gold mine -- which I have compacted into a stand-up special I'm doing Thursday night, February 23, called #CrazyStupidPolitics -- it's free, and it's live-streamed on Yahoo! 10:30 Eastern (with a mindblowing announcement at the end). I apologize for the shameful plug, but I just want you to have a good laugh! Thank you Arianna, you're the best... and now back to our blog.

The biggest elephant in the room tonight for me was Satan. All day, TV news was talking about Satan because of Rick Santorum's dug-up (but, no doubt still accurate) comments about Satan from 2008. It just shows you how when someone is a nobody politically speaking -- as Santorum was in 2008 -- you can say any kind of crazy shit and it's not newsworthy. But when you are seeking the highest office in the land... in the world -- it really worries me that you believe in demons and a personified creature named Satan.

People get mad at me for using the phrase "this stupid country", which I sometimes do -- but, I'm sorry -- Satan? In 2012? This elephant is not only in the room at the debates, but everywhere on TV today where people were talking about this and not breaking down in the middle and screaming, Wait a minute -- We're modern people, surely we don't give any credence to this comic book character that was created in the bronze age!! It's barely worthy of a children's story, and people take it to the Oval Office -- Bush did -- and it affects their thinking and our lives. Why is Santorum so against contraception? Because there's a line in Genesis about not spilling your seed. A random brainfart from some desert dweller 3,000 years ago, before people knew about germs or atoms or round planets, and it gets written down and passed down and in 2012 people like Rick Santorum are still too R-word to see that, and that's why some woman in Akron, Ohio might not get birth control.

And as far as Rick's claim tonight that even though he holds these beliefs, he wouldn't legislate them? Bullshit -- he said states absolutely had the right to outlaw contraception. That's the same thing -- as an officer of the government, he should take the opposite position. Ron Paul would.

My favorite moment of the debate was the last question, when they all were asked to summarize themselves in one word: Ron Paul said "consistency," and you know what? I have no argument with that. It's true, and he's earned it.

The other ones however, I think I could find a more honest word. Mitt Romney said "resolute." I would have gone with "shapeshifter." Or perhaps "irresolute." Rick Santorum said "courage" , whereas I would have said "Bellevue." And Newt Gingrich said "cheerful." I was thinking "pus."

One other thing: in the overtime, I heard Ron Paul make the point to John King that his foreign policy was similar to Eisenhower's, how Ike avoided getting militarily involved in Vietnam or the Suez Canal and got out of Korea. Because he was a military man. Ron Paul served, also -- the other three not so much. I know it will never become law, because it would require a constitutional amendment, but I don't think it would be such a bad thing if you had to have served in the military if you wanted to be president. Kennedy also avoided war where many would not have. After him, though, we got into the era of non-servers and draft-dodgers, and used the military like a toy. Ex-soldiers understand it's not. And the president is Commander-in-Chief -- shouldn't you have served some time in an organization you're the head of?

I hope this was the last Republican debate. Well, I say that, but I'll need the material after I use up an hour of good jokes tomorrow night, so, fuck it, keep going.

Last bullshit call: In his closing statement, Rick Santorum said that in the race against the Evil One (no, not that Evil One, he was talking about Obama), the president would have the media in his pocket (yeah, except Fox News, lots of newspapers, all of radio... ), and way more money. Huh? Sheldon Adelson this week said he might give $100 million to Newt Gingrich! If he'd give that to Newt who has no chance, he might give more to Romney. And he's just one old cranky billionaire who hates Obama, there's a whole gaggle of them.

And Sheldon, if you want to blow money so bad, just walk into one of your hotels in Vegas and go to the Roulette table.

I almost cried the other night when Arianna mentioned that HuffPost was launching Huff/Post50, and did I have any thoughts about being over 50...

Any? Unfortunately, I have nothing but thoughts about being over 50.

I remember seeing Alan King in Atlantic City in the '80s (when I was a young comedian) and he said, "I'm 56, and people say I'm middle aged -- who do you know who lives to be 112?"

I'm 55. It was funnier then.

The thing about your fifties is, you're not nearly over (if you're lucky) -- in fact, lots of ambitious people are peaking -- but it is the first time in your life that you can see over the crest of the mountain and down into the Valley below -- you know, Death. Death is the monster we all fear, yet with each day, we walk toward it, and can't help doing so; we can't help but walk toward the one thing we're most trying to avoid.

Little things remind you of this all the time -- like minor cuts taking longer to heal than they used to. It doesn't cause you any health problems, but it reminds you your body is not replacing cells as fast as it used to, and the ones it is sending are inferior copies of their predecessors. That's why we age, and look progressively worse as the years pass: just like a photocopy or a video tape that looks slightly worse each time its copied, we are constantly copying ourselves and coming out a little inferior every time. Merry Christmas.

However... the one thing that does seem to get better, at least so far, is the brain -- you know, so you can be more aware of the depressing physical part! But hey, the depressing physical part also gives you an urgency to life that is really quite irreplaceable. When you're young, you don't appreciate! And learning to appreciate life is almost better than being young and ignoring it.

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 16, 2012. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

March Madnesss…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

You know who hates March Madness? Rick Santorum. It combines the two things he hates most, college and putting something in a hole.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Mitt is determined to win the Southerners back for the general election. His slogan down there is now ‘Romney: Oh right, like you’re gonna vote for the black guy.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Rick Santorum’s statement that Rick’s son could out debate him.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day Eve, the traditional day where Irish Americans drink all the booze they bought for tomorrow night’s party and the day when Rick Santorum paints his blue balls, green.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There were 70 billion dollars in the budget for food stamps last year. There’s 700 billion dollars for defense contractors and the military…there is no difference between welfare queens and Wall Street and the defense contractors if we are going to talk about the entitlement culture in America.
- Alexandra Pelosi

This is what happens with the death of journalism; the world post journalism is just bloggers sitting home in their underwear.
- Alexandra Pelosi on the constant backlash from media on all sides regarding every issue

The tragedy in this situation is that we have been having this conversation since before I was born…and no president in American history has seized the opportunity to lead us to a more efficient structure. Period.
- Dylan Ratigan on the gas prices and reliance on foreign oil

The proportionality of what has happened to America because of unemployment and housing makes everything else look like a flea on a dog’s ass.
- Dylan Ratigan

The Lorax, if you don’t know what it is, it’s a mythical creature who is for saving trees. He speaks for the trees because no one else can. Kind of the way conservatives speak for fetuses.
- Bill Maher

I would much rather we rebuild Philadelphia as opposed to Kabul.
- Mick Cornett on getting out of the Middle East

It sounded like a disillusioned lover.
- Amy Holmes on Greg Smith’s editorial in the New York Times about Goldman Sachs

New Rule: If Irish-Americans can manage to celebrate their heritage in just one day, then Southerners should be able to also. That's right, instead of spending the whole year flying your Confederate flags and saying, "The South will rise again," you get just one day. We'll call it St. Cracker's Day.
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: If an actor gets so much plastic surgery that they're not quite the same person, they have to change their name so it's not quite the same name. Example: "Did you see Lindsay Lowland on SNL? "No, I was watching an Arthur Schwarzenegger movie." "Which one was that?" "You know, that one with Dickie Rourke and Sylvester Stallion."
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 9, 2012. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

There are posters all over town…all over the country that say Kony 2012. It’s a little confusing though because today he pulled ahead of Romney in the polls.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

He was campaigning in Mississippi and said ‘some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Mitt Romney’s inability to campaign to regular people

In the south, Mitt is going to have trouble with the whole Mormon thing. When he says sister wife down there, it means a whole different thing.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

He lost so many advertisers that on Thursday there was five minutes on his show of dead air. And most observers agree he’s never been so eloquent.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Rush Limbaugh

In a ‘winner take all’ electoral system, they are just not made for third parties.
- Andy Stern

Whether or not people out there really push these political parties to a new space…whenever the cataclysmical impact happens, it’s going to be transformative because you’ve already seen the seed bed laid in these activist groups. Whether it’s the Tea Party, whether it’s Occupy, the citizens are paying much more attention now.
- Michael Steele

That’s America. Sometimes you are made to feel uncomfortable. Can we put this into perspective, no one died, a guy made a bad joke.
- Bill Maher on the backlash of Rush Limbaugh’s ‘slut’ comment

I am defending living in a country where people don’t have to be afraid they might go out of bounds for one minute. Do we all want to be talking like White House spokespeople?
- Bill Maher on the backlash of Rush Limbaugh’s ‘slut’ comment

I am a potty mouth. That’s different than being a misogynist.
- Bill Maher on the comparison between him and Rush Limbaugh

There’s a reflection here of an America that still exists that does live in fear…that freedoms are being taken away. The leadership has to somehow figure out, particularly the cycle, how to address that and move the country past that and forward.
- Michael Steele on stereotypical southern views that are still prevalent

The Democrats need to learn how to talk to people. There is a lot of prejudice but not a lot of alternatives.
- Andy Stern on stereotypical southern views that are still prevalent

New Rule: Just for shits and giggles, John McCain must make a speech on the Senate floor where he calls on America to not bomb someone. This week, John McCain said we needed to bomb Syria. Because he's John McCain. And it's a country. Duh. John McCain thinks countries need bombing like your waiter thinks food needs fresh pepper. Remember how we let John Glenn go back into space when he was 77? We should let John McCain fly one more airstrike. He's only 75. Let him do it. Then, when he crashes, we can send John Glenn to rescue him, and Ed Harris can play them both in the movie.
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: Don't pay eight thousand dollars for a McNugget that looks like George Washington. At least until you have Sarah Palin authenticate it. She could tell you if it really resembles the father of our country, the man who won the war on Christmas, crossed the Danube, signed the Declaration of Constitution, and accepted the surrender of Cornwallis at Funkytown. But Newt Gingrich is a historian too, but don't show it to him or he'll just eat it.
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 2, 2012. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I thought the election was gonna be all about the economy. But the economy started doing better. So Republicans went to plan b: calling women whores.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

This woman [Sandra Fluke] got a call today from then President. President Obama called her to thank her for her testimony. And then President Clinton called Obama to get her number.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

This gas thing is not funny. We are looking at five dollar a gallon gasoline. Mitt Romney's wife filled up both her Cadillacs today and now she’s one of the poor people he doesn't give a shit about.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Let me just say two things about the problem with what we’re doing with these Super PACs. First of all, when you do this sort of thing and people give unlimited contributions, what about the people who worked so hard at the grass roots level in 2008? How do you think it makes them feel about being participants in the process? They feel cut out. They feel like they’re just observers now in a big money game. It’s like they’re watching a reality show called, “The Real Big Givers from Beverly Hills.” They’ve basically been cut out. Bill, elections are not just won by money. They’re won by enthusiasm. … The second this is, what are the results? We’ve seen this movie before. The soft money system that we shut down.
- Russ Feingold

The Republican Party no longer listens to Rush Limbaugh. The Republican Party IS Rush Limbaugh.
- James Carville

Having attacked John F. Kennedy he gets rewarded by losing the Catholic vote in Michigan. That sort of gives me some faith in the system. That if you say something that stupid … you offend your own voters, they don’t vote for you.
- John Heilemann

It [a moon colony] would be worth every dime if Newt Gingrich would relocate there.
- John Heilemann

New Rule: Now that Snooki is pregnant, somebody has to ask Rick Santorum, "Are you still against contraception?"
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Sheriff Joe Arpaio can't expect to get any credibility investigating the President's birth certificate if he insists on calling the investigators his "posse." Arpaio's self-appointed "Cold Case Posse" reported yesterday that Obama's birth certificate MIGHT be a forgery. Well, good thing they cleared that up. Who ever heard of a posse being unfair to a black man?
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: "Stormchasers" have to understand something: when you're out there on the hunt, getting as close to the beast as you can, we're kinda hoping it hits you. Seriously, get a life. It's not like you're doing vital research. You just live in Oklahoma and have nothing better to do. It's time to take the gadgets off your van and remember why you bought it in the first place: to have a place to duct tape women.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Russ Feingold, James Carville, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, John Heilemann and Bob Lutz.

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, February 17, 2012. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Have you seen this guy, Jeremy Lin? Oh my God, this guy is blowing up. He’s like two weeks away from marrying a Kardashian.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

The proof is in the stats. This guy [Jeremy Lin] has scored more points in his first five starts than any player in NBA history. Typical, isn’t it? One high-scoring Asian ruins the curve for the rest of us.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

He [Rick Santorum] doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Mitt Romney could lose his home state of Michigan. He keeps shooting himself in the foot. He wrote an Op-Ed in the Detroit newspaper reminding them that he opposed the automobile bailout. And then he kicked off his Wisconsin “fuck cheese” tour.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

The problem now is, and this is what’s getting me crazy, is that we have a problem with prescription drugs that is massive. It started with Heath Ledgerr and when that poor guy died … I thought, that this is the beginning of a tsunami where we’re going to see public figures going one after the other. And I feel impotent and sad that I couldn’t have done more. … And it’s not going to stop here.
- Dr. Drew Pinsky

Think of all the rock stars from the 60s and 70s and 80s. Absent IV heroin, if you were not an IV heroin user, which people die of … for the most part, if you were a poly-drug user and you did not go to pharmaceuticals, you are still with us today. As soon as they went to pharmaceuticals, they’re dead. It’s very subtle. It’s very pernicious. And the thinking is so disturbed because, hey, I’m just doing what my doctor told me.
- Dr. Drew Pinsky

I’ve heard all these tributes this week pouring in for Whitney Houston. And you know, when we heard it, it was just sadness. That’s all there is. … The one part where I get mad, and I think a lot of people might feel the same way, is the kid. … Don’t bring your kid to the club. You know, that’s number one in the Wayans’ book of hundred and fifty ways you know you’re too ghetto. Don’t bring your kid with you to the club. And this idea that parents should be friends with their kids drives me up the fucking wall.
- Bill Maher

And who is the savior that walks in? Sarah Palin? Please Jesus, Sarah Palin. Please. I’ll go back to church if Sarah Palin is the nominee.
- Bill Maher on the possibility of a brokered convention

There’s a deeper problem here which is there are three Republican Parties. There’s the Libertarian Republican Party of Ron Paul. There’s the social conservative Party of Santorum. And then there’s the traditional corporate leadership Party of Mitt Romney. The three of them cannot coalesce around anybody and that’s why Romney can’t get above the thirty percent.
- Eliot Spitzer

He [Mitt Romney] really can’t attack Santorum because he can’t … be to the left because he’s so suspect to the Republican base as a conservative that he cannot in any way got to the left. … But he can’t be to the right to Rick Santorum cause there’s nothing to the right except Kirk Cameron and the Neo-Nazi party.
- Bill Maher

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, February 10, 2012. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Poor Mitt Romney, he’s got the money, he’s got the organization, he’s got the name recognition. He’s got one weakness, an inability to get votes.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Rick Santorum is against birth control, he’s against ordaining women as priests, he thinks two women kissing is immoral. See, this is the difference between me and Rick Santorum; neither one of us got a lot of dates in high school but I just didn’t spend the rest of my life taking it out on women.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

You have to be careful not to do things that will not topple a regime but are likely to get more people killed. You can make a case for arming the rebels in Syria if they had a realistic chance of military success as the rebels in Libya did once they had NATO and air force. But in Syria, you don’t have the critical mass, you don’t have the territory.
- Peter Galbraith

This was intended to stir up the culture wars. This was intended to get the donors, folks who are socially liberal, a lot of female independents for who this is a very big voting issue, to come out in force.
- Reihan Salam on the contraception controversy

Over twenty states are already doing this, the fact that Massachusetts was doing this even when Mitt Romney was governor, this is nothing new. The problem with this is that the President of the United States’ name is Obama and he proposed it. If he proposed anything, they would be against it.
- Rev. Al Sharpton on Republican response to the contraception controversy

Let’s just call Valentine’s Day what it is, a ‘flowers for blow jobs exchange program.’
- Bill Maher

There would be a lot more resolution on this issue if at least one state voted for it in a referendum.
- Maurice ‘Mo’ Rocca on legalizing gay marriage

You would have tyranny by the majority; you cannot have rights voted on.
- Rev. Al Sharpton on whether or not gay marriage should be voted on by the people

If you have a company that’s failing and you give it a fifty billion dollar gift and then you give it a twenty billion dollar tax break on top of that, it’s gonna make the balance sheet look a lot better.
- Reihan Salam on the claim the automotive industry is succeeding

New Rule: It is not a tell-all if we already knew. Thanks, woman who’s come forward fifty years later to ell us JFK liked to get laid. Good to know. And thanks especially for the details, like how he once made you blow his friend. Which confirms my long held theory of a second shooter.
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone must drop the story that they were both in the hospital for shoulder replacement surgeries and admit they're part of a super-secret experiment to create a Republican who can beat Obama. Sylvestenegger will combine the patriotism of Rambo with the indestructability of The Terminator. Scientists are looking for a third donor to provide the brain but in the meantime, are confident he can capture the nomination as is.
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, July 15, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I understand the Republican’s frustration. They came in pretending to negotiate. The least Obama could do would be to pretend to listen
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

We are having in this country, America, supposedly a first world nation, an argument about whether we should pay our bills. And the Republicans - the conservative party - says no. Paying bills is for squares, man. That whole "money" thing is a trap. Their economic plan is like, we hitchhike to a Phish concert. And if we get a ride from a trucker and he asks us to chip in for gas, we'll just give him a hand job.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the debt crisis

This weekend they are closing a ten mile stretch of the 405 freeway. And Apparently this is the most logistically complicated construction project to happen in LA since Heidi Montag got her ass, chin, neck, boobs and nose done at the same time.
- Bill Maher regarding “Carmageddon”
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The Republicans seem bound and determined to drive the country off the cliff fiscally because they see no downside in it for them ... The “R’s” want to run on, “Are you better off now than you were four years ago.” And they want to pin the recession, pin the economic collapse, on Obama. And really claim, you know, “it’s the economy, stupid.” And I think Americans are going to need to be reminded that it’s “It’s Stupid’s economy still.” George Bush drove the economy off the cliff.
- Dan Savage

The ideology, they’re narrow minded, they’re shameless, they’re bullies, they’re full of ignorant rage. And that’s very satisfying to stupid people.
- Mark Maron regarding the success of right wing talk radio

New Rule: Now that the social network "Google +" has arrived expressly to try and destroy Facebook and Twitter the way Facebook and Twitter blew away MySpace right after MySpace obliterated Friendster the Internet must admit that it doesn't really understand the concept of "friendship."
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If you drugged your husband, tied him to the bed, and cut off his penis, you don't have to then throw the penis in the garbage disposal. I think you made your point at "cut off his penis." Come on, Tiger Mom. You got him. There's no need to spike the balls.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, April 8, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

They’re obsessed with abortion; Republicans. If they really wanted to protect the weakest, more helpless people, wouldn’t they protect Democrats?
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

It may be because he only had one sponsor left, a company making adult diapers that are lined with tin foil to keep the wetness in and the world government radio waves out.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue on the cancellation of Glenn Beck’s show

We have made flying so cheap, I’m afraid we are going to make it cheap at any cost.
- Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger

The Tea Party we were told is only about economics; not true. It was always about economics and social issues. They just hid the social issues and now we just see who they really are.
- Andrew Sullivan

The idea that the United States of American might shut down its government over abortion and funding to an organization that is 0.01% of the U.S. budget seems completely insane. Anyone looking at this debate around the world is thinking ‘What is this country doing? They have three wars going on, they’re trying to manage major problems and they’re thinking of shutting down their government over abortion?’
- Katty Kay on the looming U.S. Government shutdown

The big lie out there, the big lie that the Republicans propagate day after day, is that cutting marginal rates for those at the top is going to create jobs. It’s simply not true.
- Eliot Spitzer

Glenn Beck retired or got fired…and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage?
- Bill Maher

I think of these imperial adventures like welfare programs; you start them with all good intentions, they never end, they go on forever and get more expensive as they go on.
- Andrew Sullivan on the U.S. being referred to as an empire

New Rule: Your fuselage shouldn’t open more easily than your pretzel bag.
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it’s sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.”
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: Don’t wear bacon cologne. If you put on…you know what? Screw it. Wear it. If you are the type of guy who is tempted to wear bacon cologne, it’s not like you could get laid any less.
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, April 1, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

It was a slow news week; there was not a single new war.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Tea baggers.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

You are devastating education; there is no question about it.
- Bernie Sanders talking about Congress’ proposed budget cuts

New Rule: You’re welcome to love yourself, but if you’re on Facebook, you are no longer allowed to ‘like’ youself. We know you like what you said – you just said it. Congratulations, Captain Internets, you’ve not only managed to socially network with yourself, you’ve discovered a new, high-tech way to take the sex out of jacking off.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment