Wankmeister: My Breakup With Monsterwatts

Posted On 24 Feb 2014

Dear Monsterwatts:

At first I thought it must be a mistake when I uploaded today’s ride, which you were on, and didn’t see your name along with the other guys. So then I did an athlete search and sure enough, there you were, “Monsterwatts” from Santa Monica. And in big white letters surrounded by an orange box it said “Follow.”

Follow?

Dude, I’ve been following you for the last TWO YEARS. Every ride, every KOM, every top ten, every personal trophy, I was there poring over your data, giving you kudos, leaving clever comments about how you crushed it again, and just like that you’ve cut me off?

My first reaction was anger. Those two years I could have been following Sternstuff or Climbingmachine or that cute chick who sometimes rides with us. But I didn’t. I followed you. I spent hours on you, and I made it a point to be the first person to give you a kudo every ride for the last two years. Does that mean nothing now? Which department do I go to in order get my kudos back?

Then I was hurt, actually, more like “wounded to the core.” We had something special, you and I, and no matter what, that special something can never be taken away from me even if you’ve changed. Remember that secret forty-second KOM we had over off of Via del Monte? The first time I set it we even joked about what to name it. I said “Monster & Pookie,” and you thought that was cute, and even though you took it away from me the first day and shredded my record by fifteen seconds, it will always be the Monster & Pookie KOM.

You’ll be glad to know (or more likely, won’t even care) that I’ve wiped away the tears. I know you’ve moved on, even though you still follow me and I can’t follow you back. If I were vindictive I’d block you, but I’m not.

What I am, is curious. What happened?

Did you find someone who follows you better? Someone who rides with a power meter AND a heart rate monitor? Or did you just get tired of me? Did you get tired of letting me inside, of sharing your watts and your bpm’s and your weight fluctuations? Maybe over the last year, as your FTP seems to have gone down by about five watts, you don’t want to face me anymore because you think I can’t really respect someone whose watts-to-kg is under 5.2? Maybe you think I’m not as into you because you lost those five KOM’s on the Swami’s ride?

Oh, and I found out through Towerofpower that you’re now letting him follow you. I’m sure he’s a total badass, but you’ll grow old in the tooth before he wakes up at 5:00 AM to review your ride data from the previous week. He’s fickle, too — and I’m not being jealous. You guys will swap WKO files for few months and then he’ll get bored with you and kick you to the curb. Maybe then you’ll realize that a follower like me doesn’t just grow on trees.

Whatever the reason for blocking me, I’ll never forget you. Munching on my bologna sandwich at work while I went over your rides, analyzing your suffer score, looking at how you stacked up against other people in your age and weight categories, sending you text messages and the occasional selfie of me and my bike … you’ve left a void that I may never be able to fill.