The King of Queens s05e04 Episode Script

Kirbed Enthusiasm

OK, vanilla cone with the rainbow sprinkles That's $2.43. There you go. Thanks. Out of 20? Do you have anything smaller? No, that's, uh, yeah, that's all I got. Hmm. I don't have change for this. Well, it's all I got. What do you wanna do? Well, uh, I told you I don't have change for a 20. My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Fudge. What's wrong, honey? There's a very rare archipelago butterfly, and I forgot to bring my camera. No, you didn't, sweetie. What the hell Good God. What? Are you gonna move at all this weekend? Are you planning any activity? Hey, I've been plenty active in here. Please. I'm serious. I just learned that if I'm ever bein' chased by a grizzly bear, I should run down a hill. 'Cause bears, they can't run downhill. Their back legs get all bunched up with their front legs, and they-- they just wipe out. Gotta be honest with you, hon, not sure you can run downhill. All right. Just for that, I'm not gonna show you the safe way to milk a goat! For the next hour, we'll take an in-depth look at the gentle giant of the sea, the North American manatee. Next, on Wildlife Channel. What up, dawg? Hey. Hey, Deac. Carrie! Hi, Kirby. Look how cute you look. What brings you by? You invited us for dinner. Really? I already ate, but I can get it goin' again. So, uh, hey, how was practice? Ah, it's brutal. The only reason I'm coaching this freakin' team is to get Kirby to play, and he still hates it. No, no, no, no, no. See, he can't hate football, OK? He can hate brussels sprouts, he can hate white people, but he can't hate football. You know, I'll tell you what it is. Since the divorce, he spends all his time around women. I mean, Kelly, her mom, her sister-- They got this boy watchin' Lifetime, man. That is rough. Yeah, and Kelly's got him in the choir, school play, and next summer, she wants him to go to theater camp. Theater camp! If he's gay on his own, I have no problem with that. But Kelly, she's spiteful. I think she's pushin' him there. Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! OK, I guess the catch is over. Hey, maybe you could help me out here. How? Help me coach the team. I mean, you played some serious ball. Maybe you can get Kirby fired up about the game. Practices are Saturday afternoon. What do you say? Oh, I don't know, Deac. It sounds pretty good. It's just that, uh I got a lot of stuff goin' on around here. Daddy, I'm gonna help Carrie cook dinner. Is it all right if I take off my football costume? Go ahead. My son just called his uniform a costume. Please help me! OK, kids, we've got a really exciting addition to our coaching staff. Back at St. Gregory's High School where he was the star running back, his nicknames included "The H Train," "Pound Cake," and "Hefferlegs." He even tried out for the Nassau Rebels semipro team. Please welcome Coach Heffernan. Thank you very much, Coach Palmer. All right. Now, I'm gonna go get the game jerseys. Coach Heffernan is gonna get you goin', and I'll be back in a little bit. All righty. Well, first off, I already know that Kirby's a stud, and lookin' at the rest of you, you look like some pretty tough-nosed S.O.B.'s. All right. So now it's time to put the pee back in peewee. That's how I'm gonna do things around here. I'm gonna keep it loose and fun. You're fat. OK, that's-- You know what? That's a common misconception. What I like to call this area right here is a low center of gravity, which is gonna help you in this sport. Did you really ever play football? Uh, yes. As Coach Palmer just mentioned, I was very good. I played in high school. He said you played for the Rebels. Uh, no. He said I tried out for the Rebels. So you didn't make the team? I made the team, but there were a lot of politics goin' on. You know, the coach had his favorites, and there was a whole locker thing. Let's discuss our offense, though. So you quit? I didn't quit, OK? I had a lot of pressure at the time. I was getting married, and, you know-- You're fat. OK, that's it. Take a lap, OK, Rusty? OK, now, ladies, you ready to talk about football? 'Cause this Saturday, you're gonna be lining up against the Elmont Chipmunks, and they hate you. All right, but we're gonna have a couple tricks up our sleeve. Now, I know they like to shoot their linebackers wide, so once we get 'em thinkin' wide, that's when we run our fullback up the gut. OK, or we run the option. Who's with me? OK, you know what? Maybe it's better if I show you. Blue! 295! Blue! 295! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Yeah! Oh, yeah! What's up? What's up? Whoo! Yeah! What's up? Whoo-hoo, yeah! All right! All right! Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! All right! Whoo! What the hell are you doing? What the hell am I doin'? What am I not doin'? I'm gaining 17 yards a carry. I'm threadin' the needle. You should have seen me! Kirby is sittin' in the minivan listenin' to Dan Fogelberg. I literally jumped over this little dude's head. I just, like, choked him! Sorry. I'll take care of it. Hey, guys, gimme a little of this, all right? Gimme some of that! Oh, wow. Sweet minivan, huh? Whoo! Whatcha got here? What is this, A little moose? Oh, he's chargin'! All right. We can lose that. Here's the thing, Kirby. You can't just stop playing in the middle of practice. Mommy said if I wanted to quit the team, I could quit. Look, when things get tough in life, you just can't quit. You gotta strive to make yourself better. Like Tom Cruise--He's got everything, right? Wrong. He didn't like his teeth. So he got braces. The point is, he didn't give up on his choppers. And you shouldn't give up on football. But you quit your team. The Rebels? No, no, no, no. I had to stop. I had an upcoming wedding and a coach whose nephew could do no wrong. If you stopped playing, I can stop, too. Look, believe me, I didn't wanna stop. So try out again. Well, there's-- If you play, I'll play. That sounds fair. Yeah. Hey, babe. How was practice? It was good. It was fun. Interesting. What are ya--What are ya makin'? Well, it was gonna be chicken and Rice-A-Roni, but I burnt the rice, so we're lookin' at Chicken-A-Roni. Hey, you know what I, uh, realized today? How much I miss football. You know, how much I miss having it a part of my life. You mean the 10 hours you watch every Sunday ain't gettin' it done? Y-You'd think it would, but no. No. No, I'm talkin' about, like, the contact. The smell of the grass. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm gonna go get us some Taco Bell. Uh, you know what? Don't worry about me. I'm gonna just eat somethin' light. Apple, maybe. What? You mean, like, apple pie? No, an apple. I think I just need to start gettin' in better shape. I thought you wanted to see how big you can get and still wear jeans. No, no. I was just thinkin' about what you said, you know, the other day when I was lyin' on the couch that I should be more active, and that's why I picked up one of these. "The Nassau Rebels tryout waiver"? Yeah, you remember the Rebels. No. Sure, you do. It's a semipro team. I remember the team. I mean, no, you're not playing football again. I think I am. What the hell is going on here, anyway, Doug? I mean, you spend one afternoon runnin' around with a bunch of 8-year-olds, and all of a sudden, you're turning pro? OK, first of all, it's semipro, and there are a couple Look, here's the thing. I promised Kirby I'd play. Why? Well, Kirby wanted to quit the team. So I made a deal with him. He'll keep on playing if I do this. Does Kirby know that you're 36 years old and have a heart flutter? What--What are you saying? You don't think I can handle it? Oh, no. Sure, you can play football again, but why stop there, Doug, hmm? Why don't you become a superhero--Captain Neckfat? That's nice. How long you had that one in the holster, huh? You are not playing semiprofessional football. OK? It is ridiculous. It's just on the weekends, and believe me, I can handle it. I played football all my life. And by the way, you can't just say no, OK? I'll do what I want! I just need you to sign this, though. You gotta sign this. Why? Spouses need to sign. A couple wives sued. Whatever. "We, the undersigned, hereby waive any claims "against the Nassau Rebels for any bodily injury, concussion, paralysis, and/or death." In case you didn't understand the form, these are all bad. It's gonna be fine, OK? I already called Danny. He's gonna train me. You know, he used to be a personal trainer back in the late eighties. Oh well, now I feel much better. Why didn't you tell me your slightly less fat, asthmatic cousin was gonna train you? Look, I am doing this! OK? Hefferlegs is back in town! I still need you to sign this, though. Any back pain? No. Arthritis? No. Trouble urinating? Yeah. When I get excited, I pee on the rug. OK, what are we doin' here? When are we gonna start liftin' weights? Relax, guy. I can't train you unless I know your medical history. Fine. Do you suffer from headaches? No. Ever had a cardio-bypass or valve replacement? If I did, don't you think it would've come up at Thanksgiving? OK, y-you're fighting me here. You're not understanding the Danny system. I'm trying to tailor a specific training program for your needs. And not just your physical needs. But I focus on the mental the spiritual and the emotional. Let's go, maggot! Come on lift it, you worthless sack of sh-- I don't need to be berated. I don't need to find my "center." I don't need to learn the "Navajo way." I just need you to help me get back in shape. So you're angry. Yes. Welcome to the Danny system. What do you say we go build us a better Doug? Hey, Car. Hey! Well, is he ready yet? Oh, he'll be right down. Why don't you have a cup of coffee and a Danish? Well, OK. Yeah. Sit down. Thanks. Yeah. Here you go, sweetie. Yeah. All right. You nice and comfy? Yeah. Good. Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? That's for making Doug play football again. He's gonna get himself killed. I didn't make him. Oh, oh. You know what? I expect this kind of stupidity from Doug. That's a given. But not from you. You should be lookin' out for him. I do look out for him. Oh, bull. You're just tryin' to de-gay your son. All right, fine. I'm not thrilled about things. But is it so wrong? I mean, is it so wrong for me to someday want to visit my grandkids and not my bachelor son and his 2 cats? I want you to tell Doug to stop. You know what? You know, I don't think you should be so against this. I mean, have you seen your husband lately? He's workin' out. He's eatin' right. I mean, look. He even taped up this old picture of himself so he can stay motivated. Now, tell me you wouldn't kill to get him just halfway back to this. I'm horny just lookin' at the guy. I don't care how he looks. I'd rather have him fat than dead. All right, come on! You can do it! One more! Let's go! One more! That's right. Bring it to mama. Come on! Come on, now! Push! OK! Yeah! Ohhh! Ohh! Come on! Yeah! Ohhh! Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up! Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down. OK. Good, good, good, good, good. That's good. You take a short break, all right? I got 300 waitin' for you right over here. Oh, God. Hey, man. How's the champ? Aw, just another day in Stinktown. I'm gettin' ready to relocate 300 L.B.S. What up? I just stopped by to say thanks, man. You really came through for me here. And--And listen, Kirby made you somethin' to wear at the tryouts tomorrow. It's a--It's a bandana. See? With your name on it. You're really, like, his hero, man. Look, who knows who's a hero for who, you know? I'm just one man, and--What is that, glitter? I can't wear that. Come on. 300. Let's go. Come on. Let's do it! Ohhh! Ruuuuhhhhh! Aaaahhhh! Yeah! Wow! Whoo! Oh, look, who knows who benches what? Could I bench-press a full-grown deer? Sure, but it's about the kids. That's really what matters. Ohhh Thanks. Ohhh What the hell is this? What the hell's what? These things are Styrofoam! Styrofoam? Uhh I'll look into that. Meanwhile, you start banging out some sit-ups. Why the hell am I liftin' Styrofoam? Oh, it's just those two. They're my motivators. Your what? Mo-ti-va-tors? They build confidence? What the--So what are you sayin'? I--I ca-- I can't bench 300? I gotta be honest with you. I don't think you can bench 200. But you think you can bench 300. That's the magic. So, what--what about everything else? What about the 40-yard dash? I--I didn't really run a 4-8? No, no. You ran a 4-8. But it was the 29-yard dash. Why the hell would you lie to me? I didn't lie. I mo-ti-va-ted. I cannot work like this! Hey, hon. What are you doin'? Rollin' a ham-and-Swiss doobie. Doug, you're-- you're in training. Your tryouts are tomorrow. I'm not tryin' out. What? Why? 'Cause Danny lied about the weights, how much I was liftin', how fast I was runnin'. You're right. You know what? I'm not an athlete anymore. I am what I am. But you can't quit! Why not? Well for one thing, you promised little Kirby. Please. That kid's got Ice-Capades written all over him. All right, all right, forget Kirby. But what about you Doug? You You can't give up on your dream. You love football. Yeah. I can still love it from the couch every Sunday. What the hell do you keep lookin' at? Our sushi magnet. No, you weren't. You're lookin' at "Eighties Doug"! No, I wasn't. That's why you got on board with all this! Not to support me! You just don't want me to be fat! I don't think you're fat. You don't think I'm fat? Look at you! You're lookin' at me right now like I'm 2 meals away from needin' one of those little scooters! All right, fine, OK? I admit it. I like you better when you can peel an orange without breakin' a sweat. At least you're bein' honest. All right, forget about the pictures, Doug. This isn't about me. This is--It's about you. I mean, I gotta tell you since this whole football thing started, you're like a different person. You're--You're focused, you're committed sexy yeah, and really, you've worked too hard to quit now. But Danny lied about-- Oh, so what? So the other guys are stronger and faster. That doesn't make 'em better football players. Actually, that's exactly what makes 'em better football players. All right. Yeah. OK. So you can't lift 300 pounds. But you're strong, Doug, and football is your game. I was pretty good. You are pretty good! And you know what? You might not make the team tomorrow. Big deal. But I'll tell you somethin'. After tomorrow's tryouts, those guys are gonna know that Doug Heffernan was there! Ooommmhhh! Ohhh God! Watch out, man. Aaahh! Ready! Hut! Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God! Daddy, can I quit the football team? Way ahead of ya. Guess I'll I'll go meet Doug by the car. What can I get ya? Um, I'll have a small nonfat yogurt, and a bucket of rocky road.