Talkin' shite. Constructively

Beckymae Recaps Real Housewives of Melbourne S3:E3 By Invitation Only

Ooooooh episode 3, kids, this is when things should start getting juicy, at least I hope they do! Last couple of episodes have been rather sedate and I know these ladies know how to bring the cray-cray, so BRING IT!

First up it's Gamble and her Wolfe pack whom she is telling her issues with Pettifleur. Stepson Luke has the right idea "Let's put her in the freezer with Janet!" and pops over to retrieve a photo of Janet that is actually IN the goddamn freezer, wut now? Reminds me of a nutjob I lived with once in the 90's that kept her 'hexes' on Post-it notes in the freezer to keep them 'potent'.

Voodoo lady, in da freezer!

Gamble says that she hasn't had any issues with Janet since she popped her pic in the freezer! LOL. Talk turns to the wedding and it appears that Rick, her betrothed, has no clue about any of the proceedings at all, doesn't even know that it is on the beach! I think she likes it this way, "He just needs to turn up," she says. "Oh, and pay a few bills." Gorgeous stepson, Luke may or may not be bringing someone to the wedding, he's got something complicated going on with two people but they just want him to be happy and bring whomever he likes, awwww. Gamble isn't too sure about inviting Pettifleur still and Luke tells her "She's a massive cow, I wouldn't" which is completely true but if Gamble doesn't invite PF she will never, ever hear the end of it.

Queen Gina is arriving at a perfume company, YAY! Eau de Gina, I cannot wait for this. They want to know what fragrances she remembers from her childhood. "Garlic," she laughs, oh that will be a winner, Gina! She quite likes the aroma of pineapples, no hang on, banana! "Kind of like a fruit salad, isn't it?" she is giggling. Gina's useless PA is there and he hasn't brought his phone which had a list of fragrances she likes on it. Then they want to know what she wants to call it and it seems that it will be the same title as her autobiography, "Fearless" take THAT, Beyonce/Britney/Katy! There's a new kid on the block, oh hang on, someone has that name so P.A of the Year suggests that they use the Italian word for fearless which is "IMPAVIDO". I like it! Essence of Drag Queen!

Pettifleur is catching up with her sister, Gillian who is G.L.A.M.O.U.R personified, she is everything that P.F isn't: tall, sexy and taking no prisoners. Seems that they have not seen each other in a while and Gillian doesn't look overly pleased to be there.

Glamour, beauty, face...

The whole thing is a big bunch of awkward with P.F asking her if she is pleased to see her and Gillian struggling to think of things to say. "You've lost a lot of weight," she says. "Was I fat?" says P.F, oh dear, this is just painful to watch. For sisters who used to chat every day to this is kind of sad but P.F seems like the type of person that pushes people out of her life. Gillian cuts her down by saying "I'd rather just listen to you. You just do the talking and I will sit and listen to you." When Pettifleur asks her what is wrong, ohhhh dear, this is bad news! "How did this even happen?" asks P.F and Gillian says "Well, if I don't have a problem with my family with my friends but I have a problem with you then the problem is probably yours," wow, ice cold, Gill! Gillian just wants P.F to be 'normal and natural, you're up yourself," lol, this is fantastic and she is spot...on. P.F is all about the rich life and Gill is just hanging in the suburbs so they don't have much in common anymore. P.F didn't even know where Gillian works, and she has been there EIGHT years! Something went down with these two, you can tell and I am sure we will find out more soon enough.

Psychic Jackie is still feeling the pressure of procreating so she is going to hang with Chyka and get her perspective which is not a bad idea, Chyka is fairly staid and normal, the kid of woman you want on your side in these matters. Jackie seems to think that having a kid is going to change her life too much and yes, she knows that that sounds selfish. Chyka just thinks that Jackie will make and amazing mother so just get onto it. There's a few tears and I feel for Jackie, there's so much pressure on women these days.

It's the Johanna/Lydiot/Figaro Show! Lydiot wants to know if Johanna ever stops to take a break and read? WTF? Johanna shoots her down with a swift "no, I don't have the time." Figs looks sedated but he's calmly plotting his escape from his basket on the chair, I can tell.

Lydiot smells his fear and promptly picks him up for 'kisses'.

Totes inappropes!

Thankfully the new Porsche has arrived so Johanna's role as chauffeur is over, no more chats about life in the Suzuki Swift. So sad....

Perfectly preserved Janet is reconnecting with her step-daughter, Fiora, who she hasn't seen in 2 years. They have an easy repartee and swap a few Tinder tips before getting into the emosh. Fiora is a bit bitter because she messages Janet all the time and gets no responses. She even sent her a text saying that she realised that Janet had been in her life longer than her own, presumably dead, mother, eek, not cool, Janet! Fiora really wants her Dad and Janet to get back together which Janet cannot fathom but she admits that they are 'two peas in a pod' they are more like '3, 4 and 5 peas in a pod and I don't want to be in a pod with that many peas!"

It's wedding invitation party day at Gamble's, I would have thought that sending them in the post was a bit more appropriate but, whatever. Cut to Janet getting a lift WITH HER EX! What happened to all the peas, Janet? You are so weak....

When they arrive, Gamble promptly invites both of them to her wedding with is totes not awks at all, right? Janet is just happy that they don't recognise each other from internet dating sites.

Lydiot turns up and pats Pettifleur on the head, P.F is dressed up in some ridiculous white fur thing that, according to Susie, "was like she had discovered a little albino Ewok," bwahahahaaa!

Oh there you are, Monchichi!

Disturbingly, Gamble and Lydiot split from the group and go downstairs to talk which puts the other ladies' noses out of joint spectacularly. Lydiot then tells Gamble she needs to update her look which is 'a bit dated'. Gamble takes this in stride and they bitch a bit about Pettifleur.

Upstairs, P.F is refusing to contemplate apologising to Gamble for calling her a 'Black Widow' and Jackie quickly calls her on her shit, "What you need to do is take your own advice and 'Switch the Bitch!'" go, Jackie, the shade is deep, love it!

Lydiot knows that everyone was talking behind her back when they went horse riding and even Chyka doesn't like her. Bear in mind this is all hearsay and Gamble cannot believe it. Lydiot says "I've been a true friend to Chyka but maybe she's just faking it, maybe she fakes everything she does?" such lame innuendo, Lydiot, really?

Queen Gina arrives and the vibe changes completely but Lydiot sees her time to pounce on Pettifleur like a shark. "Can we have a chat?" she purrs. Lydiot apologises straight out of the bat which is disarming to P.F but then she says "when I am friends with you and am just constantly looking at our friendship to see what is wrong so that I can do something." Wut?? She has mouth diarrhoea and it's spraying allllll over the bowl. P.F gets up on her high horse about the betrayal and she is sort of justified but then the shiz she was saying about Gamble was pretty full on. These two are the craziest of crazy so I can't see it being anything but WWIII.

Lydiot then takes the stance that she was the ONLY friend that P.F had because no one else wanted to hang with her and how wonderful and generous is Lydiot for being SUCH a good friend. She is such a patronising crony, ugh, I am Team Pettifleur on this one.

The ladies can hear the shouting from the next room, it's escalating quickly and P.F brings Jackie into the fray. P.F wants to know if all the ladies hate her, which is what Lydiot has told her. Jackie says no, "the only thing I've said behind you back is something I have also said to your face," she says, oh this should be good! "That you a pain in the ass, that you're full of shit and annoying!" LOL.

"Last year, I had to spend all my time with you," Lydiot says to P.F." No one wanted to sit with you, no one wanted to be your friend." Geez, this is turning into a high school reunion!

*record screech*

Jackie comes back in and she is D.O.N.E with Lydiot, the other ladies are furious too that Lydiot would say that everyone has been talking about P.F behind her back. I mean, if no one talked about anyone behind their backs then there would be no Real Housewives franchise, amirite??? There is so much shouting and no one can hear a thing but Gamble as this in the bag "Pettifleur has so many knives in her back I'm surprised she can even walk," word...

Lydiot turns on Jackie and says "where have you come from, Newcastle?" which is a low blow and pretty snobbish of her. Jackie goes full Serb on her ass and says "where did YOU come from? Your mother's 'pychka'??" which I can only assume means vagina? Fuck, I love Jackie in full Serb-mode, it's a thing of beauty.

Gamble breaks it up and decides now is as good a time as any to hand out the invites to her Byron Bay wedding. She doles them out slowly and, of course, Pettifleur is the last to get one, after Gina's dog 😉 then Pettifleur hands back to the invite saying "you need to have a think about why you want me there, have a think and let me know." Oh, that's a DICK move, P.F, just when I have a bit of sympathy for her she goes and acts like the snooty, stuck up bitch that she is. Gamble retorts, "Ok, I've thought about it," and throws the invite over her shoulder. "Get fucked!"

Fuck, yeah! We haven't heard the end of this, folks. Till next week, readers! xoxo BM