My Worst Enemy

I asked a bit ago what deal breakers you might have for a relationship with an otherwise attractive guy.

Now I am curious to know what you think about yourself tends to be less helpful in either starting a relationship or being in one initially. What about yourself, do you think might be a hurdle? How might you be your own worst enemy?

Also, the trait does not have to be a "problem."

To make this discussion a little more interesting leave out typical looks stuff, like if you think you have too small arms or something (unless you are a T-Rex or a certain kinds of Muppet you do not have too small arms).

To give an example, one of my friends, who is really an awesome guy, tends to be very communicative, focusing quite a bit on a guy, and can scare him off. He doesn't intend to do this, but he might call or email a bit much initially and some guys takes this as suffocating. I want to avoid giving more examples.

Also, I do not want this to be a self-bashing thing. Many of these practices can be merely misunderstandings, others might need some attention. But NONE of us are flawed beyond loving.

Let's see. I'm married, closeted, have kids, wear glasses (which may or maynot be a problem or turn off for some guys - that would be a good topic for another forum), and spend a bit too much time playing computer games.

Kids, can't change. Glasses - I can make the effort to wear contacts for a couple hours maybe ( can't wait to get lasik!) Married - she knows I'm bi and that things are close to being over between us - once it's over, then the new issue is 'having been married - to a girl!' Computer games - if I had a man to play with regularly, I'd shelf the games.

All this is stuff that might or might not be a hang up for the guy on the other end. But way before I will give him an opportunity to like or dislike me - I'm going to be scoping out his profile. I've meet three guys on-line. I waded through hundreds of profiles to get to the point of conversing with them. I intiatied no more than about 6 email converstations. I just simply do not do mass outflow with tons of 'feel the water' then move on, before I find a guy to connect with.

So, I think 'my worst enemy' move, its that I pre-select too much. I'm a picky bastard. Then when I do connect with someone, it usually lasts for long term, because I am very accepting of a person once they've gotten past my initial barriers.

The other thing I do is over-analyze - I think WAAAYYYY too much about crap, get all worked up over it in my head, and then deflate when I find out it's no where near as important as I was originally convinced it was...but occassionally it leads me down a BAD path because I'll say EXACTLY what's on my mind...and it turns out that what I said was like, 100% in the opposite direction of reality, and I royally fuck shit up.

lol, sigh...I suffer from this disease..it's called foot-in-mouth disease..see above for symptoms.

Hey, I think there is also just something about where you are in life. You may think that you are perfect together, but if you get the timing wrong and you are either two years early or late, it could doom the relationship.

Also think that how touchy feely you are could also be either a point of contention or a great relief to other guys. My ex, that was a BIG point of contention as I am and he isn't.

For me ,it must be the fact that I dont do anal sex (I have history of sexual abuse when I was a teenager). A couple of time after heavy foreplay some guy start to bend over and expect me to top, when I refuse he kinda get really disappointed. Some guys can get really violence if I refuse to bottom for them.

However most guy I been with , including my ex bf have no problem with it. I have perfected my other skill of lovemaking such as oral, mutual mastubation , and others to satisfies myself and my men.

I think the thing that I am constantly fighting is a holdover from long past bad relationships/friendships. Call it "contextualizing"....not a real term...but, essentially, attributing bad motives/intent to an action that may be innocuous. Let's say someone is late...and you assume that they are blowing you off, instead of just assuming a more benign interpretation.

I have at least got this under control to the extent that it is internalized, and not verbalized.

As far as Burninman's comment about 50 year old guys looking for Mr. Right... I assume he means looking for Mr. Perfect. With that I would agree.

However, hopefully, it doesn't mean that he or anyone should be desperate. I'm not. I'd rather be alone that be with Mr. Wrong....

I am working on this as it became a huge issue for me and my partner. but i get to be a "blower upper" (not what you think,LOL) i would take these small problem and make them HUGE. now after a troubled period, i have learned to let alot more things go by. but it can still be an issue at times.

For me, it is that I have a hard time staying still. I have NEVER in my life, and I mean since day one with my family, lived in the same place longer than 3 years. Since going out on my own at 16, I have seen even more of the world and lived everywhere. While I thrive on this, it is a HUGE problem for most guys.

I have a plan though that I am implementing for being both settled in my own new fangled idea of that, and being able to serve this wunderlust that makes me me.

Getting back to your question: I tend to give of myself too quickly - then regrete it. I know after a couple of long term relationships that It is ok to be the independant me. I don't have to give up what I was doing or am doing as long as the other person is mature enough to understand and is willing to do the same. I enjoy spending lots of time with the guy I like. I also enjoy my alone time as well. So If there is a happy balance in the relationship all the better.

...my own worst enemy, huh...I get so hooked into these types of questions...so...

1. From time to time my HIV status is an issue for me. Sometimes I see it as a barrier and other times not so much. Can't really change it.

2. Communication. I tend to be really communicative and honest [even though I have passive agressive tendencies]. Sometimes I lack the "tact" to say something gentley. Practice needed here.

3. Intimidating. I NEVER understood this [especially if you have ever talked to me in person], however, I have had many people tell me this. Today at brunch even my friends said "you are raising the bar too much for us to be friends"...of course this was stated in jest, but I tend to have a great deal going on...overachiever type...I have above average intelligence...and I score high in the looks department...intimidating? I don't know.

4. Control. Although I am quite accommodating, I like a level of control in my life. Not that it means I can't give it up from time to time, but when someone can't be flexible, or work with me...then this button gets pushed quickly.

I used to get really hung up on wanting to be with someone because I thought that's what I wanted.

I wanted to be in a relationship to be in one ... then I learned that to be in one means that I have to take the time to love myself.

I used to make myself feel lonely. I used to make myself look at what other people had and wish I had the same things.

I was my own worst enemy in that I used to try to project what I thought everyone else wanted to see in me when all that did was leave me wondering as to who I was.

I've learned so much over these last few years and am paying ardent attention to figuring out what signals are being sent my way.

I don't want to keep making the same mistakes, but I also want to experience all that life has in store for me. I hope I'm improving, but in order to improve - to be wiser - it takes more than just hope; it takes work.