December High Scores:

NEW EMPLOYMENT POLICY

SICKDAYSWe will no longer accept a doctor's sicknote as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.

SURGERYOperations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYSEach employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are to be called Saturday and Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVEThis is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided
your share of the work is done.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATHThis will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

TOILET USEEntirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.

For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so
on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers supervisors
must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.

LUNCH BREAKSkinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODEIt is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or clothing we will assume that you aredoing
well financially and therefore do not need a payrise.