Blog

People in the North be like: “Why those pussies in the South gotta shut down for a few inches of snow? We treat it like it’s any other day!”

People in the South be like: “Because we don’t have the infrastructure and tools to handle snowstorms with the same efficiency as it is handled in the north. Thus we deem it safer for people to stay indoors while we handle the clean up as best we can with our limited amount of resources, y’all.”

People in the North be like: “Well why don’t you get some more plow trucks then, dummies?”

2014 was already shaping up like a front-runner for worst year ever, but it made sure to ratify its position with a hell of a last two weeks. The week I recorded my CD (and just a couple of days after I tried to contact him to invite him to the show), I found out one of my oldest friends and biggest supporters of my stand-up, had passed away after being killed in a hit-and-run accident.

Greg Brown admitted to his plagiarism yesterday on my FB page and apologized while recusing himself from the Asheville festival. That’s enough for me. As far as I’m concerned the matter is settled and hopefully this will be the last time I have to bring it up.

Thanks to everybody who shared the video and hit me up with support through Facebook, Twitter, text, phone, etc. I appreciate it immensely and love you all. The great majority of responses I got were positive, but as with anything that spreads to a certain scale of reach, there was a contingent of negativity that also came my way. I was expecting it and I’m not bothered by most of it since a lot of it is coming from irrelevant cunts that have never come close to trying to create something original in their lives and thus can’t understand the importance of artistic integrity. You might as well be discussing the intricacies of particle physics with these hoopleheads.

In 2008 I had the worst thing happen to me since I started doing comedy, somebody broke into my buddy Joe’s car in the parking lot of a Walgreens in Charlotte and stole my backpack. I had about $800 worth of electronics in that backpack, but what hurt the most was losing what was probably worth the least to the thieves – my joke notebook. The reason I had that much stuff in my backpack is because me and Joe had just gotten back from a trip to New York City and were on our way back home from the airport. (more…)

When the Boston Marathon bombings happened I joked that praying for Boston was pointless. Especially after the bombing already happened. At that point God had pretty much already made up his mind to fuck Boston over. However, the truth is, faith in prayer is not just worthless, it can be deadly.

I don’t care if you cause your own death by relying on faith healing. That’s actually a pretty great thing to do in a Darwinian sort of way. But when you force a kid to adopt your Health Care By Superstition plan, you’re a gigantic piece of shit. I wish I could use the claw end of a hammer to rip off one of this guy’s testicles, just so I could deny him a 911 call and tell him to try stemming the bleeding by praying Jesus into rubbing his nutsack back to health.

They should've prayed for a decent haircut.

Also, notice this is the Second child they lose this way. Only in a country as Jesus crazy as America would these lunatics be allowed to raise children after already murdering their first. I’m willing to bet you the court system would not have been so forgiving had they let the kid die in the name of Poseidon, cause then they would REALLY be crazy.

I don’t get why there was a push to label the Boston bomber dude as an “Enemy Combatant” or categorize the bomb he used as a WMD. At the end of the day he’s still just gonna spend the rest of his life in prison being fed and getting free health care, which is more than I can get, or at worst he’ll get a pretty cushy ride out of this world through a lethal injection.

How about we just call him Asshole.

Unless there’s a charge that carries a sentence of “Confinement in a bunker with an explosive pressure cooker full of nails and ball bearings”, any label you put on the guy is meaningless and pointless.

That said, whatever label they do decide to put on the guy will likely be way easier to pronounce than his actual name.

Most comics will lie to you and tell you they got into stand-up because of how much they appreciate the art form, or because it helps exorcise their inner demons, or because they love making people laugh. The truth is we all get into this for the same reason – in the hopes that some day we’ll have our face printed on the front of a bag of potato chips.

One day my face will be on a bag of empanada flavored taters. You’ll see. Dare to dream.

I posted a joke earlier on Facebook/Twitter, and judging by the number of FB likes: 100+ (a high number for me), I think most people got it and enjoyed it. However, a lady on Twitter took offense because she thought I was saying women weren’t funny (I wasn’t). In her defense how was she supposed to know it was a joke? She’s only a stand-up comic and teaches a comedy class.

As a side note, complaining about a joke you didn’t get is probably not the best way of going about proving that you’re funny. Some would call that ironic. But what do I know, I’m not the stand-up comedy scholar. (more…)

Shain Gandee from the MTV show “BUCKWILD” has been found dead. So long, the cure for cancer. Somebody notify the Nobel Prize committee there is one less name to take into consideration.

Nobel Prize in Squirrel Eradication

All (some) joking aside, MTV says they are “shocked and saddened” by Shain’s death. If they meant that as an April Fools joke then kudos to them, they got me and you can dismiss the rest of this post. But if they didn’t… (more…)

If you live in Fort Lauderdale or Valdosta, GA I’ve got a couple of shows coming up this week March 7-9 that I’m excited about because they will be the first two of what I’m trying to bill as the “Dark Side of Comedy” tour, for lack of a better name. I would’ve called it the “Uptight Cunts Stay Away” tour, but that just wouldn’t be as marketable. As the name implies there’s gonna be some dark/offensive/edgy jokes told at the show, so if you like that kind of shit then come out to one of the shows.

If you don’t live anywhere near those places though, get on my mailing list and I’ll let you know when I’ll be closer. I usually only send about one email a month so I won’t be clogging your inbox with spam. Oh and if you’re already on my mailing list and didn’t get an email from me last month, check your spam folder or add me to your contacts or something. Fix it! To get on my mailing list you can click at the top of the page where it says “Mailing List” or you can just click on the link below:

Last year I finally made good on my mission to have at least one Facebook and Twitter update every day. I may have missed a handful of dates, but I made up for it eventually. I was planning on posting them all on this blog post, but I soon realized it would just take too long, so I only did January-March. Whether I ever post April-December remains to be seen. I intend to, but I’ve intended to do many things that never got done – like being successful. For now the following is a mixed compendium (I like that word) of my Facebook and Twitter updates from January 1 through March 31 2012. Some are funny, some aren’t, and many may not make any sense (You had to be there, man).

JANUARY

- New Year’s Day is like my day-after-Xmas. It’s when I usually return all the gifts I got the night before. Namely:Alcohol. Thru:My Butthole.

- Say what you will about deaf people…really, go ahead, they won’t hear you. (more…)

After I posted about giving away one of my sets from the Big Stink Comedy Tour I had quite a few people that weren’t at the Stanhope shows ask for a set as well. My original plan was to make a best-of compilation of all the shows and make that available, but knowing me, we’ll be doing the 20-year Big Stink Reunion Tour in front of Stanhope’s mummified body before I get to putting that together. So instead what I’m gonna do is send everybody who wants one, a copy of whatever set I think sucked the least.

The catch is you gotta e-mail me at carlosVcomedy@gmail.com with your name and city, and by doing so you will be added to my mailing list. If that’s a weight worth bearing for you then hit me up. But hit me up this week. I’d like to get this done while I’m still motivated and in a giving mood. Oh and type BIG STINK on the subject line so your e-mail doesn’t get lost among all the Pottery Barn and Yankee Candle newsletters I receive every day. Even if you already hit me up, hit me up again just to make sure. I won’t hold it against you. Not unless you want me to.

I was insinuating rubbing my penis against you in those last few sentences, by the way.

I’m thankful for my first week off since August. Despite still being shunned by the biggest comedy chain in the region I still managed to put together 15 straight weeks of road work. 12 states, 36 cities, and I don’t know how many shows. That’s not much for some, but it’s a big deal for me. I’m not mentioning it to brag, but to put it forth as evidence to other comics still beating their head against the wall trying to get in with a particular booker, that no one agency/booker/club, no matter how big they are, can shut you down. If one agency refuses to book you then just make it happen some other way. There’s dozens of other bookers, plenty of other clubs, hundreds of independent venues. As much as some bookers may think of themselves as the be-all and end-all of comedy, just because one person thinks you suck it doesn’t mean that they are right.

If everybody you meet thinks you suck though, then yeah, maybe it would be a good idea to look into some other lines of work where being funny isn’t necessarily a job requirement – like improv.

Before the tour started, I bought an audio recorder and a lapel mic so I could record all my sets from the tour. I missed a couple of shows but I’d say I got about 90% of them. Mostly I just wanted to record my sets for me to review later, and if they didn’t come out too shitty I might try to make an album of it at some point.

Well the audio did indeed come out pretty shitty and it’s gonna take some work to compile it into something worthy of putting on an album, if that’s even a possibility. However, I thought it might be a good idea to offer the raw unedited audio to anybody who came out to see a show back in August.

I’m giving the sets away for free, so hopefully that will temper any complaints I might have gotten because of the quality of the recordings. In most of the recordings you can hear my voice fine, but because the mic was clipped to my coat and I have a nasty habit of crossing my arms during my performances you can hear a lot of popping and crackling while I’m telling my jokes. Also, in most instances, because the mic is so much closer to me than it is to the audience, you can’t hear much of a crowd reaction to my jokes. You could argue that the reason you can’t hear much crowd reaction is because most of my jokes aren’t crowd reaction worthy, but it makes me feel better to say you can’t hear the audience because the venue was too large for my little mic to pick up all the laughter.

Keep in mind, my material/segways/pronunciation isn’t always at its sharpest because I was drinking through most of these shows, but in my defense, most of the crowds weren’t completely sober either.

So anyway, if you were at one of the Stanhope shows back in August and you enjoyed my set as well, send me an e-mail at carlosVcomedy@gmail.com with your name and the city you saw the show in. Type “BIG STINK” on the subject line too so I don’t risk missing your e-mail as I read through the throngs of fan mail I get every day. On a related note, it’s funny how many of my fans send me hundreds of emails just to offer me Viagra and Cialis.

When I get all the files in order I’ll upload them somewhere and email you a link to download it. I’ll try to get the files out before Christmas. No promises though. Unless you send me a gift too, then I’ll try a little harder. Otherwise, you get what you paid for.

Happy Holidays.

PS. I don’t care if you copy, share, burn, or rip any of the sets, but keep in mind the thing I said about some venues not being ideal for picking up audience reaction. So if you have any audio editing skills, do me a solid and insert some over-the-top laugh track action between my jokes before you share it with your friends.

tl;dr: If I put together a comedy tour what would be a good name for it?

I’ve never been a big fan of stand-up comedy tours. I don’t mind that they exist, I’ve just never wanted to join one. Fortunately, most haven’t wanted me to join them either, so it’s worked out pretty well.

Lately though I’ve been looking into putting together an independent run of shows and perhaps bringing a friend or two with me, so I figured if I’m gonna do that, why not give the tour a name too.

The “Comic you’ve never heard of, along with two of his pals that you’ve never heard of either” Tour isn’t a very catchy name though. Also the “______ of Comedy” thing has been done to death, so I’m trying to avoid using that too.

Unfortunately, unless there’s some famous comics with major credits on the tour already, I think there’s gotta be an allusion to comedy in the title otherwise people will have no idea what type of show it is. The words “Comedy” or “Laugh” or “Joke” have to be in there somewhere. I’d love to call the tour something like the “Elite Masturbaters” but then I’d have to explain every time that we’re not an underground punk band or a bukkake sideshow. I also don’t want people to think they need to bring plastic sheets to the show because we may be some kind of jizz-based Gallagher parody act.

I also would like the title of the tour to convey some kind of hint as to what type of comedy will be presented, but not something so specific that people will only expect jokes about one particular subject. i.e. The Women Are Different from Men Comedy Tour, or the .44 Magnum Double Action Revolvers with Swing Out Cylinders of Comedy. Just something that conveys it’s not gonna be a “bring your grandma & kids” kind of show.

If you have any suggestions let me know. If I pick your suggestion you’ll get a free pass to one of the yet to be named’s comedy tour’s shows. So far the best I’ve got is the “I’m too lazy, and this probably is never gonna happen anyway” Tour.

If you like my comedy and are a fan of the Bachelorette…well then you have very confusing taste, but perhaps you’ll enjoy this. A couple of weeks ago I was asked by Charlotte’s Creative Loafing magazine to submit some comments about the television show “The Bachelorette” for a feature article they were writing about it. See, this year’s bachelorette is a Charlotte native and they did a good portion of the filming around town. This was all news to me. I tend to keep up with reality show happenings about as much as I keep up with other people’s fecal droppings. And am just as disgusted by both.

I accepted the assignment and actually forced myself to sit down to watch the first two episodes of this magnificent pile of shit. THREE hours worth. It’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever spent that much time watching. With “Faces of Death” coming in at number 2. Both document the deterioration of human civilization, but while “Faces of Death” shows you people dying, “The Bachelorette” makes you wish you were dead.

I submitted around a dozen quotes, but they only used a couple. Here they are along with some of the ones they didn’t use:

“The Bachelorette is the tragic story of a rich single white mother of wealthy upbringing struggling to raise a child in the slums of one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Charlotte.”

“Will wealth, good looks, and fame be enough to overcome the heartbreaking struggles she faces every day? If not, then shoving her daughter into the media spotlight ought to do the trick.”

“According to sage Chris Harrison ‘All of America is hoping the time has finally come for Emily to find true love again and complete her family’. And here I thought what all of America was hoping for was a better economy and job security so they could be assured of the ability to provide for themselves and their families. I hope the presidential candidates are paying attention.”

“When they started arriving at the mansion, I thought the limousines were full of wild jungle apes from the whooping and hollering emanating from inside them. I was right.”

“There was a ray of hope for a second towards the end of the contestant introductions when it seemed FEMA had finally sent a chopper to assist the disaster in progress. Turns out the helicopter was just dropping another turd (Kalon).”

“It was nice of the producers to showcase some of WSOC’s hard-hitting journalism as Scott Wickersham did a totally non-staged report doing a fly-over above the Bachelorette mansion. The Pulitzer has never been so close, Channel 9.”

“Bachelor Randy decided to introduce himself to Emily by dressing up like his grandmother. I’m guessing he was going for the ‘creep her the fuck out’ approach. Cause nothing says ‘psycho’ like dressing up like the psycho from the movie Psycho.”

“Towards the beginning of the second episode they gave out a ‘date card’, not sure what that is, but when it happened you could overhear one of the bachelors stating that things just ‘got real’. So if you’re a fan of the bachelorette but hate phoniness… then actually you’re just a walking contradiction.”

“In episode 2 Emily had the bachelors participate in a variety show, because what better way to find out if a man is fit to be a good father to your child than making sure they can pull off a solid song-and-dance routine. It’s a widely recognized fact that Vaudevillians and carnies have always made the best parents.”

“I was glad to see the Muppets in the second episode. Finally some characters on the show with an actual soul and personality.”

“If you pay close enough attention during the Bachelorette Muppet variety show you can hear a dull rumbling sound in the background. That’s Jim Henson turning in his grave.”

They just mean the one in the lobby. It’s going to get water two times a day now. Which is twice as much as the workers in the manufacturing plant get. Apple can afford to do this by watering the plants with the recycled sweat and tears of their exploited Chinese employees.

Of course they back santorum. Santorum = anal sex = less pregnancies = less abortions.

This is a pretty grim article displaying another awful example of how shitty the world is, but I found at least one part of it entertaining. Part of the plan to help these kids is to provide them with cell phones so they can call home if they’re ever abducted. But hey, cell phones are expensive, so the lady running the program doesn’t just give them out arbitrarily:

“It sounds weird, but we gave the prettiest girls the cell phones first, they’re most at risk.”

In other words, “Sorry fatty, but who would want to rape You!”

I’m pretty sure the cutest girls get iPhones too, and it goes down from there. If you’re only moderately rapeable you get a Motorola pager. The real Uggos get a couple of cans and some string, well actually they don’t get that, but they’re told to go find some in the dump.

I support this decision, but I think it’s going to be tough to put into practice. Even though bigger is definitely preferable, I expect a lot of McDonald’s customers are still going to resist being caged.

Fortunately, McDonald’s customers shouldn’t be that hard to bait using the old Big Mac and stick trick.

facebook fan page

People in the North be like: “Why those pussies in the South gotta shut down for a few inches of snow? We treat it like it’s any other day!” People in the South be like: “Because we don’t have the infrastructure and tools to handle snowstorms with the same efficiency as it is handled in […]