So recently I've started noticing that I've been mainly secluding myself from the world. Meaning that I haven't been interacting a lot with others. I mean, yeah I got to school, have my share of fun there, and then that's it. I've become the socially awkward, isolated person I didn't want to become. I hate it. Just me, doing nothing while I see others having a grand ol' time, not realizing that someone's in their house doing nothing for their life. It's just a pain in the ass to always push myself to do something rather than just playing video games all fucking day. This whole bloody spring break I've done nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. I just see these people, some that I know in school, having a great time... care free... while I'm here... just secluded. Is this from my goddamn autism? I don't know. In the end, what I'm asking is... well, what can I do? I know the answer's gonna be "Go out there and live!" but it's harder for me to do. I mean, I can go out there... but then what's next? Maybe I'm just being paranoid... maybe. God my life's a huge mess...

So what is it you want? The most I can see is that you envy others being "care free". What do you think that entails? What are you frustrated about that others are doing and you aren't? Asking and answering these questions may help you. Not everyone is meant for a party life. Is there much of a meaningful difference between partying all night and gaming all night? It can depend, but all of it can be meaningless or meaningful based on circumstance.

It's just whenever I see others happy and full of life it just makes mines look pitiful as I do nothing and sulk. I just want my life to be more... "lively", if you catch my drift. Not a party life, but a life where I can not only care about my studies but at the same time have fun with others (like friends). But my problem is that I'm socially akward, as in I have trouble trying to go out and hang out with friends. It just pains me to see my life go by, pissing it all away because of seclusion...

Normally, I wouldn't even think about posting in a thread like this. Too afraid of burdening people with my problems, or scared shitless or whatever.

But having come back and seen the thing with Ethan...That scares me more, so...Here goes. Deep breathing and not thinking about how stupid this sounds.

I hate me. Most of the time, I hate me. I hate who I am. I was trained from a young age that other people's opinions (namely my mom's) and feelings were more important than my own. I was dirt, and useless unless I was doing something to please someone else. Being selfish was...It was the biggest sin ever.

Sometime around two or three years ago, I realized that something was seriously wrong. I'd attempted suicide when I was a teenager, sure, but...I had attributed that to hormones and a hellish high-school life fraught with unpopularity and bullying. I shouldn't have been feeling suicidal in my mid-to-late twenties, because those reasons were long behind me, right? Well, honestly, I doubt that hormones or high school were my root problem. I think my root problem was my mother. In my 'expert' medical opinion, I've come to diagnose her with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Hell, let me illustrate this point. My mom came up to visit me, and told me my aunt had said that I told her my stepfather used to jack off and cum on my face. I told her that wasn't true. I told her the truth. That he had sexually abused me by masturbating in front of me, but that he'd never ejaculated on me. She was okay with this. She said she would have had to divorce him if he'd ejaculated on my face...but she was perfectly fine with the rest of it. She wouldn't have been able to face the shame of all of it having been true. This is the woman who shaped my life. It was not about my psychological fucked-up-ness due to having been forced to watch my stepfather pleasure himself, but her shame.

So, yeah. It's been a huge struggle to catch myself in the act of debasing myself or discarding my own desires in an attempt to make other people happy. It's been hard to focus on me, and what I want and...who the hell I really even am, because I don't even really know anymore. Identity issues fucking suck, let me tell you.

Ugh. I'm already starting to waffle on whether posting this is a good idea, so I'm cutting it off here for now. When I get the courage, I'll try to get some more off my chest.

I'm... I'm truly sorry for what's happened to you Hana. Most of the things you've gone through... well, I've had experience with that as well. Excluding your step-father's experience, I was bullied greatly in my 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th year in school. It affected me immensely, even pushing me close to the verge of suicide. In such a young age I had thoughts of death. I always thought my life was pathetic, that I was "a mistake" and that I'd rather be dead than alive. I still have memories of hate, of depression, of.. well, seclusion. I did, however, have people help me through my depression and problems but it wasn't enough, honestly. After those dreadful years, I then moved from my old home and went to a high school where I was nobody. In short, I had a fresh, new start. All I have to say.. is... well, after my experience; never take the coward's way out. Always see life as a million doors; close the one door you despise and open a new one to start anew. You have a beautiful daughter and should cherish her and give her love, and a childhood/life much better than of yours. Try to leave the past behind, and focus on the life of your daughter. I hope, hope, HOPE that this helps you...

Last edited by Exodis on Fri Apr 05, 2013 2:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's great that you're gettin this stuff off this chest, and I hope it helps. That being said, can you not talk to your partner about this? I imagine sharing these things with someone in person would be way more helpful.

"Suddenly Frodo noticed that a strange-looking weather-beaten man, sitting in the shadows near the wall, was also listening intently to the hobbit-talk. He had a tall tankard in front of him, and was smoking a long-stemmed pipe curiously carved. His legs were stretched out before him, showing high boots of supple leather that fitted him well, but had seen much wear and were now caked with mud. A travel-stained cloak of heavy dark-green cloth was drawn close about him, and in spite of the heat of the room he wore a hood that overshadowed his face; but the gleam of his eyes could be seen as he watched the hobbits."

I do talk to him about it. It helps to do so. But he's got problems of his own, and although I've grown to have a good deal more self esteem with his help, he takes it personally when I say that I don't like myself, as though he hasn't done enough to help fix me. Or whatever. It becomes a downward spiral that I really just can't deal with, unless I catch him in just the right mood, and then he's super helpful and supportive.

I took a Parent Effectiveness Training course...and that really helped. It taught me that if it's not my problem, I don't have to fix it. I can't fix the world, and I shouldn't be trying to. I shouldn't be trying to make anyone except myself happy. Even my little girl, once she gets to a point where she can make her own decisions...Right now, she's still little enough that her happiness is kind of dependent on her parents.

Honestly, sometimes, she's all that gets me through the day. And sometimes, that sweet smile of hers just makes me want to cry, because I know how fucked up the world is...because some days all I can think about is how much she's going to be hurt...How far you have to fall when you're that happy. It's a shitty line of thought, and I try to stop myself whenever I catch myself doing it, but it's hard.

I'm also kind of a hot mess because of hormones. Birth control be playing havoc with my body, and all that. So, yeah.

Hana, you sound like a wonderful person and I hope you all the best wishes the internet can garner.

I respect everything you've done and the hardships you've endured to reach this point in your life.

For what it's worth, I would be honored to shake your hand, I don't see many model human beings anymore.

There's not a lot I can do through the internet to help you, but from what it sounds like- you don't really need it. You have all the tools to help yourself, the power to do so and the will to get it done. So good luck, even though you probably don't need 'that' either- Ha!

Always wanted to say something to you or do something to help, but I never felt anything was good enough to really offer what you needed. Maybe telling others is what you needed.

I could say it a million times and it'd never be enough: You are a great person, Kay. Despite everything -- your mother, the world -- you have grown into someone special. Thank you for being strong, hun.

Thanks, guys. The support means a lot. Being able to talk about it (mostly) without fear of being judged is...Well, it really sucks to hold it all inside.

What's the most unsettling is that I've been having to wade through life asking myself if the things I like are really because I like them, or because I've been conditioned to like them...because someone else likes them and I've forced myself to like them as well, just so there's a common ground that I can use to make other people happy. It's pretty insidious.

I went on a huge yarn-buying binge. 'Cause my mom doesn't knit. I know that's mine. I got squishy lovely yarn and fiber and when I start questioning myself, I go back to something soft...like yak down, and I can say: "this is me. THIS is one thing I know is mine, that I like." Okay, so I started to knit because a friend was knitting and I wanted her to be proud of me, but...I'm not friends with her anymore. Haven't been for years. And I'm still knitting. Because I like it. That's been a big positive thing for me.

sometimes rebellion is therapeuticit definitely made me feel better at times, to go against the words of my oh-so-wise parents

these people have had an immeasurable effect on your life, it's definitely nice to feel you have something that is yours and in no way their's, because there are few things that fit that bill. my tv? theirs. my pc? they bought it for me for christmas. my drug addiction? mine.

Exodis wrote:It's just whenever I see others happy and full of life it just makes mines look pitiful as I do nothing and sulk. I just want my life to be more... "lively", if you catch my drift. Not a party life, but a life where I can not only care about my studies but at the same time have fun with others (like friends). But my problem is that I'm socially akward, as in I have trouble trying to go out and hang out with friends. It just pains me to see my life go by, pissing it all away because of seclusion...

Well if it's any consolation, consider that you're only seeing people from a very small part of their life. Those people you're thinking that of, they could be staring right back at you thinking the same of you, envying how you look so happy and full of life. If this really pains you so, what stops you from going out? Do you still have friends to do it with? How about acquaintances? Make them into friends. Or is it anxiety that stops you from going out? Then there's ways to help that. It is a difficult place to get out of though, but you should at least make a token effort. If you're scared of rejection, consider that it can't get much worse than where you're at now. So what if they say no, or if they're busy? Forget them. You tried at least. That's better than not trying. And if they say yes, all the better. If they actually reject you, then you know who isn't worth your time and you've saved yourself a lot of brainpower obsessing over them.

EagleMan wrote:Well if it's any consolation, consider that you're only seeing people from a very small part of their life. Those people you're thinking that of, they could be staring right back at you thinking the same of you, envying how you look so happy and full of life. If this really pains you so, what stops you from going out? Do you still have friends to do it with? How about acquaintances? Make them into friends. Or is it anxiety that stops you from going out? Then there's ways to help that. It is a difficult place to get out of though, but you should at least make a token effort. If you're scared of rejection, consider that it can't get much worse than where you're at now. So what if they say no, or if they're busy? Forget them. You tried at least. That's better than not trying. And if they say yes, all the better. If they actually reject you, then you know who isn't worth your time and you've saved yourself a lot of brainpower obsessing over them.

those of you that know my tumblr and have not read about the latest major event and diagnosis in my life yet, I've got a tasty tl;dr Read More to feast your eyes upon. posting this cuz some of you actually care about me for some silly reason.

Wow. What a tale riz. :S I'm so sorry that happened, i hate that i don't know what to say, if what you feel is true then there's very little i can say that could comfort you, but even if it seems like an empty text, please know that you have my support, even if we don't talk much.