Dec 19, 2014

There are (as one may have it) a number of things which strike me as an oddity of juxtaposition within my life. Through situational awareness, it can be said that I am suddenly surprised by how people react to my presence. It isn’t to say that I suddenly just now became surprised, but it is something that I consistently forget and then am reminded of.

To this end, the topic of this blog (journal rambling) is that of perception and (for lack of better word) fame.

I’ve never considered myself famous in the more common sense, but more often than not I am treated as a sort of celebrity depending on the circumstances. It seems to rear up when I least expect it – for instance when talking to actual celebrities and while I find myself flattered that they take the time to speak with me, I come to find out that they are actually a fan of me.

That takes a while to sink in, to be honest.

I don’t think it ever really does sink in to my conscious mind too long, but it does just long enough to make me go “Oh... wow...” and then in a few days it wears off and I somehow manage to repress that memory like it never happened.

But somewhere in the back of my mind, I know it is still there lingering. I didn’t actually forget that I’m a celebrity. I just seem to do a really good job convincing myself that I’m not and acting like I’m not. Maybe (despite opinions to the contrary) I am actually a bit humble. I know in my persona I act like I’m hot stuff but like Andy Warhol it’s really just a front.

I am (to the public eye) mostly just a persona. A fabrication of intellectual bad-ass propped up by perceptions of genius and brilliance. The problem is, I’ve never seen myself like that, even when I know it is true... it could be said that I am highly intelligent (MENSA level) and I wouldn’t deny that, and I’ve had an interesting, if not illustrious, career involvements that have had me in the right place at the right time.

Despite my disastrous luck in life, I’ve been an exceedingly lucky individual. My whole life is an ongoing exercise in polar opposite absurdity. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, really...

I’ve seen the after parties for MTV, hung out with actual celebrities and rock stars, and found myself in the company of some of the brightest and most talented minds in the world. For all of that, I find myself feeling honored to be there, and almost always surprised when I come to find that I’m usually the man of the hour. Celebrities and high-powered people acting like they are the ones who are honored to meet and get to hang out with me.

I’m still kinda weirded out by that...

Did I mention I’m not entirely a fan of Hollywood? They always came across as hollow and fake to me. No wonder David Bowie sang about it in his song Fame (for which the title of today’s post borrows a line). I’m not against celebrity and Hollywood... I just see past the smoke and mirrors and get right to the authentic people aspect of it. Which tends to either endear people or scare the living bejesus out of them. One of the many benefits of being an INTJ personality...

I see through the facade and they tend to relax a bit and stop putting up a front. That’s all Hollywood really is, just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. The ultimate of sustained persona versus sincerity.

All the while I play it cool and just try to stay down to Earth (and usually am). Approachable and an “everyday” sort of guy you could just hang out with. That’s how I see myself in my own mind. But my reputation precedes me in most cases and what I think of myself is rarely what others see in me when I enter the room.

This (in and of itself) is the crux of what being famous actually is. Meaning millions of people have the wrong idea about who you actually are, and no amount of contradiction can change their mind.

Of course, that internal image of myself goes to hell in a hand basket when I suddenly get a text message from an actual celebrity just to say “Hi” and to let me know they’re heading out for the next week and wanted to let me know.

I mean... at first I’m like “Hey, have a wonderful trip!” but then (about thirty seconds later) it really hits me.

I’m like:Wait a minute. Millions of adoring fans worldwide, television interviews, globetrotting, the whole nine yards... and you specifically think it is important to stop and let me (of all people) know that you’re heading out to Sweden for a week to visit family and you’ll be back soon?

I’m actually really speechless about that.

There is the understanding that this isn’t an isolated incident, either. I mean, somebody else (who I won’t disclose) took the time to let me know they were going to Hong Kong next month (visiting the wife’s family) and wanted to let me know ahead of time. Again, a really well known person worldwide... taking time out of their day to let me know they were going on vacation but would be back in a month.

As I sit here and think about it, I’m a bit flabbergasted. At what point in my life did that transition actually happen? But what blows my mind most is that while I’m sitting here thinking that I’m flattered and honored that they thought of me in all of this (enough to take the time out to let me know personally), I come to find out that they are fans of me.

All the while as I’m thinking they are the celebrity, they are thinking I’m the important celebrity to know.

That’s about the moment I realize (once again) that I actually am (sorta) a celebrity in my own right. Though I consistently try not to be, people treat me like I am and it never ceases to baffle me.

Sure, I can say that I’ve accomplished quite a lot in my life (so far). Been there and done that sort of mentality. I’m not entirely certain if the inner image of myself and celebrities has reached a point where I take it for granted or if I’m just in denial that I’m a celebrity as well.

Maybe it is a little bit of both?

When I spent a lot of time in Second Life, that persona had a chance to really take hold in the virtual sense. It did help that I had a PR department behind me, and that started the snowball rolling. I did interviews, photo shoots, a research paper, book chapter, and even spoke at virtual events.

My last “appearance” was as a panelist for the previous Virtual Worlds Best Practices in Education conference, whereby it never ceased to amaze me what amazing people I was sharing a stage with.

But there I was, just as large as life (maybe larger).

One could say that I voluntarily made an exit from that scene in the virtual sense, but in reality it never stopped. All I managed to actually do was to lay low and go off the radar a bit for some peace and quiet. More or less I took the Johnny Depp route and moved to virtual France.

This can be evidenced by the continuation (even today) whereby a lot of SL folks are like “I’m a huge fan of you!” when I’m saying I’m a fan of them... But while I’ve scaled back the public appearances portion of my persona aspect, it only seemed to apply to the virtual world. In the real world that celebrity mentality continues unabated and completely to my surprise.

The actual reasoning for my absence in Second Life has been more along the lines of a recurring theme in virtual worlds users that I refer to as Groundhog Day Syndrome. Named after that wonderful Bill Murray movie, it is a perfect symbolism for just having total ennui and a loss of motivation/tolerance for something.

It comes and goes, so don’t think for a moment that I’m suddenly never going to be passionate about virtual worlds again. It’s just that after... I’d say about twenty years now, it all just gets repetitive and boring. You log in and see the same old things, that pattern recognition kicks in and you start to think “Why bother?”

Or maybe I’m a virtual God?

Of course, not the God. But, ya know... a god by the definition of Bill Murray in Groundhog Day? Maybe just a guy that’s been around so long he seems like he knows everything (but doesn’t)? Nothing is “new” and so everything (most things) are expected and seen coming a mile away.

I think maybe in the bigger scheme of things, a lot of us are gods in that manner.

And just like a “god”, when I get bored of something I want to make something better and create something amazing. Something totally new.

I could sit around and talk about the virtues of Oculus Rift and all the great things it’ll do for the industry, but to be honest it is merely an over-hyped stopgap between virtual reality and mixed reality.

The real evolution and future of virtual worlds, and ultimately the Metaverse as a whole is in mixed reality/augmented reality space. So much so that even Neal Stephenson himself was recently hired by Magic Leap. So it’s not really an uneducated opinion I’m putting out there, but pointing out that the godfather of the Metaverse itself and a huge name in Cyberpunk is involved not in virtual reality but in advanced Mixed Reality.

Of course, I already knew this was coming. Not that I’m tooting my own horn, but I have been saying for the past few years now that the future is in Augmented and Mixed Reality, and that Virtual Reality is just the Gartner Hype Cycle to get us there.

Right now, Virtual Reality is back at the Peak of Inflated Expectations, and by the time Oculus Rift leaves the gate officially, it’ll likely be overshadowed by things like Magic Leap and similar mixed reality systems, which will dropkick VR back into the Trough of Disillusionment. Or maybe not... seeing as Oculus recently bought out 13th Lab, which is a company that specializes in augmented reality and has their own SLAM algorithm for real world mapping.

I think Oculus sees the writing on the wall already and is looking to shift gears to a headset that can do AR/MR before they launch so they’ll potentially have an “all in one” sort of headset.

But still, that sort of mixed reality system is still very limited in the bigger scope. It is localized and effectively tethered to smaller spaces and publish model experiences. The same can be said (ahead of time) for Magic Leap technology, and although their display technology is actually really fuck-all impressive, they still only have one piece of the bigger puzzle for the future. They (like Oculus) are (to me) considered just enabler technology in the stop gap to the future.

Which (of course) brings us to that all important question:

What the hell have you been up to, Will?

Whereby the reply is going to be that I’ve been focusing on the technology forecast concerning advanced mixed reality systems and how to actually build one that would meet my stupidly high expectations. I started drifting out of the VR sector and into the MR sector awhile ago, but keeping in mind all of the stuff I’ve learned from VR in the past twenty years. Not surprisingly, it applies to the mixed reality sector quite well.

After all, I think I’ve said pretty much all there is to say about Virtual Reality and The Metaverse. Though I am still the Vice Chair for the IEEE Virtual World Standard Group (P1828) and likely for a rekindled standard initiative stemming from P1828 at IEEE, I want to think bigger than that.

My general philosophy has always been that if the whole damned world is looking at something and it’s collectively “the future”, then I’m not looking far enough ahead at the trends. So that’s pretty much why I transitioned my attention from VR to Mixed Reality systems.

In the bigger picture, there’s a guy formerly at the Nokia Mobile Life Centre who was (is) working on his PhD thesis and project (Kim Nevelsteen). An avid fan of The Metaverse overall for the past ten years, he always wanted to focus on Pervasive Games and Mixed Reality. As per his update, he moved on to just being at Stockholm University in the Immersive Networking group but has had the opportunity to change direction and focus on pervasive games and mixed reality like he originally wanted (finally!)

“Your paper was a pivotal point because it just made me burn (pun intended) even more for working on the Metaverse. It also puts in black and white lots of things I have been thinking about before.”

He and I have had wonderful conversations on and off about the state of the industry and where we think the future is at, and it’s nice to know that he is finally able to pursue that future.

In all honesty, it is flattering to know that I am able to inspire people in the industry like that, and have a positive effect. I wouldn’t say I was the only thing that drove him in that direction, but instead (as it apparently wasn’t clear before), I see myself as one of many pivotal parts of the whole conversation and part of that inspiration and culmination of many things.

In and of itself, I am still amazingly flattered and humbled that I could have even the slightest effect in the industry.

Editor’s Note: Part of the problem with writing a blog as a stream of consciousness with little (or no) editing is that a lot of the time I miss things that I think are implied when they come across as meaning something else. Happens sometimes when you’re writing far into the morning, and so I’d like to make that clear on behalf of Kim in what will probably one of the first edits to this blog. He’s an amazing guy and highly intelligent, definitely check out what he’s up to via the link above.

Other than that, I’ve been tied up with a NASA project called Deep Space Blue about the experience of being a near future Mars inhabitant and replicating some of that atmosphere for the real world participants. Hashtag #JourneyToMars if that’s your thing... Which in turn has landed me smack dab back where I was before with the whole “dealing with Hollywood and celebrities” thing.

Except a lot bigger than before.

As part of the Deep Space Blue initiative, there is a major Hollywood agency involved (the people who represent the celebrities and talent), as well as a big production company. And so, I’m back at the center of that maelstrom again as the intellectual celebrity bad-ass of the group.

Without even giving it a second thought, we send out best wishes and condolences to Melissa (Rivers) while congratulating Ben (Affleck) on getting the green light on his recent indie collaboration. This is the sort of normality I’ve come to take for granted in my life. I’m just not surprised by it any more...

I suppose I’m an intellectual celebrity versus famous for simply being good looking and an actor... though I’m sure a lot of ladies out there will correct me about the whole “being good looking” thing... I’ll take whatever I can get on that front. Flattery is always an acceptable currency.

It never ceases to amaze me just how many fan girls I actually have, or the various things they are prepared to do to and with me if only I’d give them a chance.

Nov 15, 2014

Like a knight drenched in the rain, marching onward with faith. The skies blackened and foreboding, with each step the ache in his muscles crying out like the fires of hell and the searing hands wrenching from him the will to continue.

Though those moments weigh heavy, his resolve continues into the night and across the emptiness only to fall to one knee with a crack of lightning casting his shadow against the castle walls, the clatter of his armor and sword falling from his person announcing his arrival to the one he loves staring down upon a broken hero who has braved it all and lost everything for a mere glimpse at the angel above.

And in that moment, it is love - pure and simple, which prevails and remains when all else has been stripped. A determination unlike any other. For it is this man who bares the scars of time and fought many demons real and imaginary, and held steadfast in resolve.

What others would see as a broken and exhausted man kneeling in the cold rain, too weak to raise a sword, let alone his eyes - only the woman he sought would see not the man, but the journey which led him to her feet. For it is exhaustion which forbids that he raise his sword again, but it is love and ultimate respect that averts his gaze so kindly, until beckoned and granted audience in her eyes.

It is that journey throughout life itself, and a personal crusade over many years, which has such a man before her... tempered through fire and cleansed through torrent.

For her love he kneels, and in sacrifice he mutters upon high a prayer only she can answer. For in that moment, it is she who is his higher power.

That is love.

I believe this is why men propose on one knee. Not in armor, nor weapon in hand. But merely as a sign of ultimate respect and love. To put one's heart in the hands of another. It is not just that moment, but the acknowledgment that the journey which led them there to that moment was long, and it led to her gaze.

Chivalry is not dead. It merely seeks both a gentleman and a lady to rekindle that honor.

Of course, this goes for simply two individuals. Whether that is two men, two women, or man and woman. It even just goes for any combination of individuals... gay, straight, trans, furry... whatever. The feeling should be the same. I’m just going with classic chivalry here for the example. Thought I’d put this out there before the whole LGBTQ community takes offense...

By no means do I believe it is appropriate for people to be sending death threats like that, but on the other side of the coin her views are pretty standard in the whole fair of “Women are unfairly portrayed in hyper-sexualized context” thinking as is common among a lot of feminists. While I absolutely disagree with her train of thought, I wouldn’t go so far as to condone death threats.

So... what exactly is my take on the topic overall (you may ask)? It’s simple, actually. Sexism in video games is a two way street, setting unrealistic expectations upon both female and male characters for the sake of a fantasy storyline.

What we seem to forget here is that we’re dealing with stereotypes and not really sexism. When we look at just one side of the coin, it looks a lot like sexism but the moment we pull both sides of the discussion together it ceases and instead just becomes a discussion about stereotypes.

As a conversation unfolded between myself and Diana Artazzi over on Youtube (she’s an ASMR artist), I was introduced to a book called The Myth of Male Power (for which I’ve been reading). She believes (much like I do) that the notion of this one sided disempowerment and burden is a fictional construct at best used by feminists to justify the “poor us” attitude.

Yes, women are disproportionately hyper-sexualized in video games. That much I am going to agree on. But in the same notion, so are men.

Now, I don’t mean that to be taken as guys are running around in little more than a g-string with massive bulges... but what it means is that in society there are two sides to this sexism, and the male side is rarely discussed in the realm of this ludicrous fantasy scenario.

If we begin from the basis of the stereotypical expectation of male and female, this makes a lot more sense than crying foul about sexism and unfairness.

Men are just as bad off in our portrayal in video games, but for different reasons. After all, we are predominantly portrayed as the hero, we are usually portrayed as the resident bad-ass that is ‘roided up looking like a seven foot tall super-hero with huge shoulders and dripping with testosterone and machismo.

In that notion, we’re usually portrayed as the bad-ass killing machine with no remorse. The total, unequivocal Alpha Male stereotype (HOO RA!).

And you know what, ladies? That’s sexist, too.

It isn’t meant to be based in reality.

What videos games do is simply take those stereotypes and inflate them into the atmosphere for a fantasy story and escapism. Where all the men are strong, broad shouldered, and dependable. The sort of testosterone ridden guy that would wrestle a bear and win to save the damsel in distress who happens to look like a porn-star.

I think this can be best illustrated by our choices in Second Life and virtual worlds in general. Predominantly (and as witnessed by your average visit to Wet Willy’s), women portray themselves as that porn-star Barbie and guys predominantly run around with the 7 foot Wolfen McAwesome avatar.

You know what I’m talking about.

The long hair, no shirt, tattoos... wearing leather pants.

And the ladies mostly run around in perfect little porn-star avatars and slutty outfits for their man (and for themselves).

What these two extremes in perception illustrate are societal ideals based on the illusion of perfection.

If society did not believe that these were the ideals of perfection (even if based on fantasy), then the entire adult entertainment industry would cease to exist.

The basic take-away then is simply:

Hyper-feminine ideals also have a counterpart in Hyper-masculine portrayals.

There is also that caveat that a lot of women players actually play male characters while a lot of men play female characters.

Which pretty much puts a hell of a lot into perspective.

Then there is the other caveat that most people like to overlook, in that what a woman defines as sexy and appealing in a man is just as idealized as what a man thinks is ideal with a woman. Being men and women, we do think very differently on those ideals (a lot of the time).

Although it is the perception of that testosterone manliness that is the stereotype appeal to women, while it is the sexualized estrogen bender that appeals to men.

Let’s face it... guys like tits and ass. You already knew this... that’s why the adult entertainment industry exists and thrives. Women like their ripped and powerful men as well. Both are stereotypical and idealized portrayals of the opposite sex as appealing to the other (woman –> men and men –> women).

In the bigger picture, yes the one above of Tera Armor, the realization is that the more “powerful” one is perceived in the idealized universe, the more those traits are either hyper-feminine or made hyper-masculine to exaggerate it.

If you’re a guy, you get the hyper-masculine exaggeration until you’re effectively a cross between MacGuyver, Terry Crews and your armor looks like a Mobile Suit Gundam. Exaggeration of total safety, masculinity, smart, rugged, insane proportions of a man’s man.

If you’re a girl, you get the hyper-feminine exaggeration. You get prettier, more seductive, more girly and feminine. You get hyper sexualized as the exaggeration.

And then we will always hear some women saying “I don’t find that sexy nor do I objectify guys who are like that”

Which is usually total bullshit. Like women saying they don’t watch pornography or own sex toys. It’s just something they say to sound like they are morally righteous while on a soapbox.

I’m still not Misogynistic

Whenever I hear the argument from the feminists about sexism in video games, and how women are unfairly portrayed in them... I like to counter with the sexism of hyper-masculinity to balance the conversation. Because it is then that we realize that most of this griping is about stereotypes and not really sexism.

It would be sexism if it only was about women or if it was only about men. But since it is about both being unrealistically portrayed, it is simply catering to stereotypes in a fictional/fantasy setting.

Here’s an example: Whenever I play a fighting game like Street Fighter, I almost always choose a female character as my favorite. While it is true they are usually hyper-sexualized (and so are the guys), it is because a female character in a fighting game is usually weaker but faster/nimble. This is where the stereotype of women being the fairer sex gets overblown because where they lack in one area they make up in another quite readily.

Dexterity and speed vs raw strength.

Now, what do I mean about guys being hyper-sexualized when clearly they aren’t all running around in loin cloths and war paint, right? Well that’s the root of the matter in a nutshell when we’re dealing with the perception of stereotypes in a fantasy setting. What we are really addressing (and noticing) is less about sexism and more about the exaggeration of stereotypical features and traits for a more “ideal” person – whether that is female of male.

Women are beautiful, which is why the Goddess of Love wasn’t Hades.

So that’s a trait that goes into the mix as “exaggerated” in order to appeal to that ideal of perfection. In much the same way that a male character would be exaggerated as being super macho and muscular to symbolize strength and power.

But of course, we then talk about how women aren’t portrayed as strong and powerful in video games... but that’s not entirely the point here because we’re dealing with exaggeration of perceptual traits of ideals and stereotypes.

When it comes to feminism, more often than not it is a hypocrisy at best (in my opinion).

It is an attitude of empowerment (good for you) until such a point when the responsibility of that empowerment and equality comes up, in which case a majority of feminists will suddenly want to be treated as the lesser of the duality for their own benefit.

Let’s say you’re on a date, ladies. Who is paying?

More often than not it’s the guy.

Sure a woman could pay for that date, but she would think lesser of the man for having to do so and she wouldn’t be likely to continue dating “the moocher”. We hear it a lot out of women... they want a strong, independent man that knows how to treat their woman (blah blah). But the moment this sexism in video games comes up... now they want the empowerment and so on.

Where were those feminists when we said “Check, please.”

So yes, men have those hyper-masculine properties and stupid expectations put upon them in society as well because they represent what is a turn on to women in general (straight women).

Ultimately, video games are business and it’s about making money. So all of this sexism (on both sides) are playing into our illusion of perfection and expectation.

So what happens when we aren’t playing into that male power fantasy? Well we end up with games such as Lester The Unlikely, which turned out to be such a horrible game that The Angry Video Game Nerd did an episode about it. Clearly that game didn’t make much money.

But what about powerful female protagonists? Let’s say Samus Aran from Metroid.

Well, that’s only a partial female empowerment when you think about it. Because of those stereotypes about male hyper-masculinity and female hyper-feminism, Metroid offers us the duality whereby Samus Aran herself is a curvy and sexy blonde in a blue body suit and the power comes from the suit itself which plays into the male hyper-masculinity. Even with Samus Aran, she isn’t a powerful female protagonist without relying on the male stereotype to boost her.

So we’re pretty much screwed when it comes to this sexism issue.

Sexism is more or less playing into the stereotypes and perception of male and female strengths and weaknesses exaggerated. A woman, for example, is perceived to be the pretty one and so a video game (and other media) would exaggerate that trait. A guy is perceived as the testosterone beefcake bad-ass, and again we exaggerate those perceptual qualities for our “fantasy” and escapism.

But there actually are plenty of games whereby a female protagonist is front and center, but we don’t usually bring those into the discussion. The reason we do not bring it into the discussion is because that would just go ahead and bitch slap our feminist argument into submission... about 999 times.

Counter-point

Ok, so there is a much used counter-point to all of this in that the male power fantasy is an ideal and not sexism. Whereby the female reduction to ideal perfection and weakness is not ideal.

Effectively, every guy wants to be the bad-ass and no woman wants to be the tits and ass sex toy.

I suppose this almost makes sense unless you were to ask exactly why those traits were the ideal for men. I mean... I have no interest in becoming Captain Bad-Ass and jacked up on testosterone...

And a video game character is really only as clever as the player behind it, so if Captain bad-Ass is honorable, stupidly brave against all odds, and super powerful... well it is merely the result of expectation of ideals. We actually are reduced to an object of desire in that form – the stereotypical beefcake bad-boy.

It goes back to fairy tales where the guy is supposed to be all kinds of heroic, chivalrous, strong, and so on... for the damsel in distress. But of course damsels aren’t usually in distress these days and women (sometimes) can hold their own in a similar situation.

But in real life, most women actually don’t.

That’s reality in a nutshell. For every woman that takes karate classes and can kick the living shit out of a guy in a bar fight, there are a thousand more who carry pepper spray in their purse and won’t go out at night for fear of being victimized.

So it’s a strange sort of doublethink we have as society.

‘Cause let’s face it... not every guy is the alpha male and not every female is just a pair of tits and ass looking to play house.

I think honesty, intelligence, valiance and all those things are qualities for both male and females. But I also think men and women can achieve them in their own way that isn’t trying to be the other. For instance, female empowerment doesn’t come from trying to be more like guys any more than male empowerment comes from being metrosexual and like those bishonen boys in video games.

Yes, we seem to have left out that entire massive section of video games in this male/female hyper-feminism and hyper-masculine consversation, which is pretty much why we don’t see much in the way of talking about male dis-empowerment in video games. Because it’s alright for a woman to be the damsel, but not the guy.

Which in and of itself is a ridiculous premise (both ways).

We could say there are a ton of guys in the games industry and so hyper-sexualization and idealism kicks in... but then I have to ask – why aren’t women taking the initiative to be game programmers?

Why aren’t women taking the initiative at all, but instead talking about it nonstop?

We point out the problem but aren’t seemingly doing anything to actually solve it.

The hell are you waiting for, ladies? Some guy to come along and save you from the objectification and disempowerment?

Yeah, that was sorta a low blow there and it was on purpose.

If a guy is somehow disempowered, and we complain about it... we’re told to quit bitching and do something about it. Overweight? Get to the gym. Assert yourself. Take responsibility. Be strong. Be all these amazing qualities to become a Spartan Warrior and ...

Ok, you get the point.

Women who are objectified in video games are just as often deadly as well. Where a guy would be a beefcake bad-ass, a woman isn’t typically a beefcake and so the natural body is exaggerated traits just the same.

The bottom line is, both are usually representations of stereotypical ideal traits that both men and women lust after and find highly appealing.

The alpha-male stereotype and the porn-star barbie stereotype.

I’ve seen a lot of women say stuff like “No, I don’t find that sort of guy attra-“ and then I cut them off because their lies make my ears bleed.

It’s just as asinine for a woman to say the stereotypical alpha male isn’t attractive to them as it is for a guy to say that the hyper-sexualized woman isn’t attractive to him. Effectively we’re lying through our teeth whenever we pretend this isn’t true.

Go ask all of the nice-guys that got put into the friendzone about this one...

Go ask all the overweight women that got blown off just the same because a porn-barbie walked in and they stopped existing.

Testosterone = Male Power Fantasy

Estrogen = Female Beauty Fantasy

Welcome to reality.

That doesn’t mean women aren’t cunning, intelligent, brave, and so forth... and by god they absolutely should be. Hell, they should even be strong. But not looking like He-Man.

I think characters like Lara Croft do this sort of thing justice. And of course, a lot of people will still complain that Lara Croft is still made to be pretty...

Ok, then just go the full length. Because at this point what women are complaining about is a woman who happens to have a pair of tits and a nice ass. You’re reaching a point of self-loathing here when we get down to it. That “She looks pretty and I don’t and how come guys objectify women like that?”

The same reason women lust after G-Money and his swagalicious 12 pack abs at the club.

Duh.

One Point for Gryffindor

Jeez, I can’t even properly counter-point any of this. I really am trying though...

sighs

Ok, the thing about all of this is that most people try to separate the idealization of men in video games (power fantasy) from the sexualization of them. That in a nutshell is the problem because those same assets of men are what make them inherently sexy, and throough exaggerating those traits and qualities it is the same as making a scantily clad female character with a Barbie body and huge tits. Those are traits which make a woman immediately desirable to men.

It’s just how each is perceived and what makes them sexy in the looks/attractiveness department. It is the stereotypical guy and stereotypical woman. Those are the traits associated with either and both are exaggerated.

Looking back into Second Life, and blatantly given a choice in the matter for both men and women, we see predominantly that they choose the ideal and sexualized nature of men and women as self-representation.

Which pretty much negates the whole feminist argument there when a majority of women voluntarily choose the idealized version over the realistic one.

Guys do that too...

It’s what we try to aspire to... because society (that’s all of us) still believes it to be true no matter how much doublethink we try to throw in there.

To say – Oh, no... see, that’s just a power fantasy thing and an ideal... women aren’t objectifying men by saying those are ideals... but guys imagining the ideal woman is objectifying them and it’s sexist...

That’s more or less what hypocrisy looks like. A double standard.

But we don’t see guys in video games running around in banana hammocks and g-strings!

But I digress and it’s early in the morning. I’m sure this is a topic that will rage on for years to come until guys no longer like skinny porn barbies and women no longer like a man with rugged good looks and well built physique.

Oct 2, 2014

I think on this post, things are going to a be a bit of a mixed bag of topics revolving around a central theme. As the title implies, I’m focusing on the entitlement generation, but not necessarily on welfare moochers. I’m pretty sure that’s not the sort of political blog post I’m interested in writing.

What I’m ultimately getting at is a generation of people who no longer see the reward of hard work or doing what they ultimately have to do in life to achieve the rewards sincerely. This can manifest in a lot of situations, but I’ll cover a handful here just to sorta dump out what’s been on my mind.

In the romantic relationship department, somebody asked me what I thought about Second Life dating the other day and my response was simply that I’m a single guy floating in a sea of married women. Counterproductive at best and highly unlikely for anything worthwhile to manifest. However, I do keep trying because there is always an odd chance somebody could make the cut. After all, Jewlie and San are engaged in real life and just the other day they were looking at houses in real life together.

For those of you who don’t already know, Jewlie met San in Second Life, and they got together in real life for a happily ever after. So I don’t entirely discount this from happening if I were to try on my own behalf, though I also acknowledge that the odds are very slim when faced with such a disproportionately high number of women that aren’t serious in the least.

I’m old fashioned in my thinking, and more importantly my moral compass is welded in place. It’s just the way I was raised in that I wouldn’t ever cheat on a woman, nor would I ever feel comfortable playing “the other man” like a vulture hovering above waiting for the death of a bad relationship.

There’s plenty of actually single women in the world who have no such hang-ups, so why would I ever consider a woman that I would have to delude myself into thinking I have a real shot at?

But then there is the other side of the coin, that “In a bad relationship where I’m unhappy” part. A lot of separated and “complicated” statuses abound and it makes me wonder why nobody just makes a clean break so they can work on being actually happy?

Of course, I’ve heard every conceivable excuse on this matter.

We’re together just for the kids...

Well that’s bullshit. I’m the product of a single mother and I’m an only child. My mother did just fine without my father for my entire life. Of course, she did have to work harder to do it, and I absolutely respect her for that.

So I end up seeing quite a lot of people putting “Single” on their profiles when in reality they are Married but Unhappy or Married and in an Open Relationship.

It is times like that where I conjure the image of Inigo Montoya

Of course, then there is this merry-go-round where you see somebody state that they are single, give them a shot, and within a few days you end up in conversations like this:

“Who is that other guy?”

“Oh... don’t mind him... that’s my husband.”

“You said you were single...”

“I am... well... we’re just married on paper. We lead separate lives.”

“Then why the fuck are you still married?”

There is (obviously) that moment when you realize that they weren’t actually planning on telling you any of this anytime soon. It’s when they slip up or you manage to stumble upon that information yourself that they’re totally busted.

However, the really odd part about this is that entitlement thinking. The moment when they insist it’s fine and you should go along with it.

In my own mind, the thought process goes something like this:

Ok...

Let’s see if I have this straight.

You are in a bad marriage, or an open relationship. Your husband is cheating on you openly or simply living a separate life from you. You are simply there on paper but in no way are you actually in a relationship. Either that or you and your husband (or just one of you) are in Second Life leading a fantasy and want me to play house with you or be that romantic interest to fill the void, but in absolutely no way do I actually have any shot with you at all...

Therefore, you are a complete waste of time to me as a relationship other than a friend.

You want to live in the land of self delusion and are looking for somebody to delude themselves in your escapism and share in it.

Nope. Not me.

As you could rightly tell by my inner dialogue, I’m a faithful and monogamous guy. The reasoning this sort of situation bothers me has less to do with me than it does with the actual results that such women tend to get on a regular basis in their search for the partner in delusion.

So often I see women bemoaning about how all they want is a faithful guy that doesn’t cheat and treats them good, because every guy seems to screw around for some entirely unknown reason...

Gee... I wonder why that is?

After all, why would anybody honestly believe that a man who would be romantically involved with a married woman wouldn’t be lying to them from the start? And yet, I see time and time again that those guys are cheating on the married women and not being faithful (HA!) as if a married woman has any right to tell a single man to be faithful to her.

Being the other man/woman in a relationship is a fools game at best. Judging from the revolving door of SL dating and relationship drama, we can figure out pretty quickly who is willing to actually play that game (next to nobody) but they’ll lie to you just the same and pretend for awhile.

But at the very least, we see a lot of short term fantasy fulfillment and playing house with some dolls before they’re right back where they started on some dating board saying how they’re looking for a Daddy for their three pretend kids.

I’ve told people time and again that if they’re married/separated/complicated, to come back when it’s simple and they really are single. The other night (and a few nights over the past weeks) I’ve run into somebody that almost dated me nearly three years ago. At the time she was saying she was single and it turned out she was separated. I told her to come back when she was actually single.

It’s been about three years now since that time. I asked if she’s single yet and she replied “No... we’re living together again but I’m unhappy and want out”

Well no shit, Sherlock.

Went from separated three years ago to now living back together again. You just went backwards from being single further than you were three years ago. The opposite of what I said...

So she got the same exact answer from me today as I gave her three years ago.

Of course, this isn’t restricted to just Second Life. I’ve seen similar situations in real life as well where this self-entitlement is rampant.

For instance, I talk (once in awhile) about the difference between Curvy and Fat, so let’s go for broke and commit some blogging blasphemy.

You’re Fat. Deal With It.

This is another big issue of mine that really hits home. Women who are overweight, unattractive and who insist they never wear makeup. They don’t even attempt to look good. Just sitting around with curlers in their hair and a Marlboro hanging from their lips like they’re God’s gift to the female population.

Bitch, please.

You’re not fooling anyone.

That’s why you steal photos of other women and porn actresses to give to guys instead of yourself. This is absolutely rampant in Second Life but also real life as well. I’m actually a moderator on OKCupid (though I have no idea why they appointed me one), and I see this bullshit all the time. This is where the whole Real Life tab gets separated and hidden... with pictures of anything else but not yourself and a message saying “RL is RL and SL is SL!”

Here’s the thing... a woman that actually looks good and is confident about herself would put a picture of herself in the RL tab of their profile because they don’t have anything to hide. They are actually proud of themselves and confident in how they look. Not insecure.

That doesn’t mean putting your damned phone number, home address and email in the box. There is a legit reason to avoid stalkers, but for crying out loud it’s not an excuse to be completely unreal while expecting people to be real with you. It just means your real picture and not some photos you stole off of a Facebook profile or a porn site (or a stock photo repository). I know most guys are actually too stupid to know better and will (usually) fall for it, but I’m not one of them.

I could very well put my email and actual phone number in that Real Life tab and nobody would come stalk me. My phone number and email address has been public domain for years now – so where the hell are all these crazy stalker bitches at? I think that whole “stalker” thing is overused and overblown.

In all the years my number has been publicly available, I have never once woken up to a voicemail that sounded like this:

Recently, under this guise, Rainyday Superstar even decided to see what would happen if she put out her phone number publicly. Well, obviously she got a lot of txt messages and stuff, but after awhile it calmed back down as people lost interest. During the peak of the chaos, she just had to go in and block some people for being obnoxious but that was it. Nobody ran up to Washington State to stalk her...

As far as ripping off other people’s pictures and asserting they are you, it’s really just ridiculous. I don’t know why people bother to do this at all.

Hell, I’ve seen this on social media sites in the open and people will reply “Damn baby! Lookin good!” without ever realizing those are stolen photos from some porn shoot compilation.

But then you get to people like me who actually can look stuff up and you’re in trouble because you get busted pretty quick for being a liar.

Ok, so here’s the thing... I get a lot of flak for this subject. Women always bitching at me because I’m being mean and superficial like I’m hatin’ on bigger women.

But I’m actually not.

I’m actually just telling you what you really need to hear instead of a comforting lie and playing into your sense of self entitlement. Of course, there is a difference between Fat and Curvy whereby Fat is unappealing and Curvy is sexy as hell, and whereby both people could weigh exactly the same.

I’m serious about this. I’ve seen big girls with curves and thought “Hot damn...” (some of them Texas belles are amazing) and then saw a woman that weighed exactly the same but was fat and thought “Ewww... No.”

This is where the women decry and bemoan my misogynistic ways. My unrealistic stereotypes about beauty and catering to societal stereotypes and blah blah blah.

Again, I will say bullshit.

The woman on the left would have a pile of numbers while the one on the right is more often than not pissed off at the guys for not talking to her, and pissed off because the woman on the left is getting all the attention.

You know why she’s getting all the attention? Because she isn’t bullshitting herself and did what it took to get those curves. Her reward is guys complimenting her and asking her out more often because she is actually appealing. This is what I mean by the entitlement generation...

Oh, but I’m sure I’ll hear no end to it about how I don’t know the depression and sense of futility being told I’m fat and not beautiful or appealing to others. I’ll be told how they’ve tried everything and it doesn’t work. I’ll be told big girls deserve to be treated like they’ve actually done something to deserve it...

And I will tell them bullshit once again.

I was 250+ pounds. I decided I was not happy with that weight, and I did not at any point in my life demand others to stop telling me I was fat and unattractive. I knew full well I was fat and unattractive with that gut hanging out. But instead of demand others lie to me about it and tell me I looked good... I told them to only give me an honest opinion even if they thought it would hurt my feelings.

I actually wanted them to hurt my feelings. Because that was my motivation to be better. It’s called negative reinforcement and it exists for a legitimate reason. The same reason that punishing your kids when they royally fuck up versus giving them a time-out and no consequences determines whether or not they grow up self-entitled brats. You’re not supposed to feel good about being a total fuck-up, you’re supposed to be motivated to be better than that for yourself and for others. It is a hardship to overcome legitimately and it takes work to do that.

When I started getting sincere compliments about my weight and looks instead of people trying to be politically correct and not hurt my feelings, I knew I had absolutely earned it and they were being sincere.

And you know something? I stepped on the scale last night and this is what I saw -

Yep... I now clock in at 160 lbs. Which is 5 lbs over my target weight of 155. For my height, I am now a healthy weight. Yes, this is really a picture of my feet. When I went to step on that scale, I had assumed I was actually about 190+ pounds still. So I am fully aware of that notion where your perception doesn’t jive with reality when you look in the mirror.

I feel legitimately good about myself, and any compliments I get for how I look I know are legitimately earned. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. My confidence level has gone up dramatically over the years as I lost weight and got into better shape. I can walk into a room and not feel self conscious about it, and you know what? My RL tab in Second Life now has a recent picture of myself for real to replace the one I took years ago when I was overweight.

So don’t give me any shit about you refusing to get your ass in shape. I’m not obligated in any way, shape or form to lie to you. I’m sure as hell not going to feel bad for being honest and not sugar coating it.

Nobody owes you a compliment if you haven’t earned it.

Nobody owed me a compliment when I looked like this years ago.

I still have that shirt and those shorts today, and where they barely fit me back then – today they hang off of me many sizes too big. I couldn’t be happier about this if I tried. I smile every time I put them on and I have to tie them tight to stay on my hips.

I’ve legitimately earned feeling better about myself.

Coming from a point in my life where I actually was fat and out of shape, I can speak from experience when I say I don’t owe you any false compliments and nobody else does either. If you are fat and unattractive, then I’m not going to tell you otherwise.

That’s why it’s called Survival of the Fittest and not Survival of the Fattest.

This is me today, at a healthy 160 lbs. I got there by eating better and exercising. It was a long and hard journey, and it sure as hell didn’t happen over night. But I did what it took to legitimately get there and earn it.

Am I finished yet? By no means. I still want to tone up some more now that I’ve reached my target weight range. I know it’ll be some more work to achieve that, but by god when I start showing those toned abs and muscle definition, I’ll know I’ve worked hard to earn it.

Which in the end is the point to all of this.

We can either take the easy way out and insist others tell us a comforting lie, or we can decide to motivate and do what it takes to legitimately earn feeling better about ourselves or a situation we’re in.

If you run around married/separated and insist that your boyfriend be faithful, you’re only lying to yourself and he’s lying to your face when he says he will be faithful. You have no right to demand that at all or expect it.

And yet so many women actually do expect the “other man” to be faithful to them.

If they ran off with somebody else it was simply because they found a better hand than what you’ve dealt them. If you want to keep a man, then it is in your best interest to make sure the hand you’re dealing them is the best hand you possibly can offer instead of a couple of Jokers and the Instruction card.

This mentality goes in the opposite direction, and clearly shows the hypocrisy of this Curvy vs Fat debate in a nutshell. For instance, let’s turn the table:

I know right now a lot of women are like “But that’s different!”

No it’s not. If you had a choice between the guy on the left versus the guy on the right, you’d be all over the guy on the right in a heartbeat and you know it.

But you don’t see the guy on the left walking around the clubs or telling women that he’s sexy and deserves to be treated like he’s physically appealing. He knows damned well he’s not. He also knows that the curvy and good looking women are way out of his league because he legitimately doesn’t deserve such a woman.

Damned guys and their six-pack abs coming along and taking the good looking women!

Get real.

Life is Just A Fantasy

Ok, maybe not. But Second Life is predominantly just a fantasy, and I actually get that aspect of things. But there is such a thing as a healthy escape versus an unhealthy escape.

Too many are caught in that loop of unhealthy escapism and it bothers me. Maybe I have a little too much empathy for my own good, but behind every married woman looking for a boyfriend, there is usually a cheating and neglectful husband.

In every open relationship there is usually one or both parties acting like they are single and never really committing to their partner. An open relationship to me means one or two people who never should have been married at all but should have stayed single and a serial dater.

Marriage is a full commitment.

If it’s anything less than that, then call it what it really is – you just wanted to continue dating. It’s not the open relationships that get me, but instead the audacity to be married at the same time. It absolutely defeats the point of being married.

The same goes for the all-too-easy attainment of virtual perfection when it comes to your avatar. Pretending to be a drop-dead gorgeous bombshell knockout versus actually being one are two different things entirely. If being fat and unattractive didn’t bother you, then you sure as hell wouldn’t be running around pretending to be a porn-star in Second Life.

This is what I did when it came to my own avatar in Second Life:

I modeled it after how I wanted to be in real life, but then worked on matching my reality with my avatar appearance.

Most people just stop at the wishful thinking and never bother on the follow-through because... like... that totally sounds like actual work and stuff.

And you know... that’s perfectly fine. It’s when you spend so much time in the fantasy that it becomes the replacement for your reality that you have a problem.

If you have a bad marriage or are unhappy, then what you need to do is turn off the fucking computer and go fix your life for real.

If you’re fat and unattractive, all those hours spent in Second Life are better spent exercising and losing the weight. They are better spent learning how to apply some makeup instead of sitting around wishing you were attractive and appealing through a Barbie doll and being inwardly resentful of the women who do look damned good.

If all you have is the wishful thinking part of the equation, then all you will ever get is wishful thinking as a result. A comforting lie at best, and a boat load of drama.

At the end of the day, I believe fully that if you want something then all you have to do is be willing to actually work to get it. Face the problem head-on and tackle it like a boss.

In the meantime, I don’t cater to the entitlement thinking or the politically correct notion of inflating egos insincerely. Ultimately, I don’t care if you like that or not.

That’s exactly the point.

How low do we have to get before we reach our breaking point and say it’s no longer good enough to accept things the way they are? When we find that inner fight again, and start kicking ass and taking names in life?

I reached my breaking point years ago and I’ve demanded better ever since. I won’t even let myself off the hook for not doing better when I absolutely should be.

That’s where you need to be if you want things to truly be better instead of having an unrealistic notion of entitlement. Life is supposed to kick your ass if you aren’t willing to fight back and do what it takes. That’s normal, and that’s why you should get up and never accept less than better of and for yourself.

If you really cared about others, you wouldn’t let them settle for less either or play into it just to give them a comforting lie.

At the end of the day, I have a Lewis Black attitude, and maybe so should you.

Torches and pitchforks will be available in the lobby after this post is complete. Please stay orderly and keep a single file line. Refreshments and snacks are located in the back.

Sep 3, 2014

So, recently I put out on Twitter that the reason I haven’t really written much on the blog lately is that I’ve had a bit of writer’s block. Over the many years there has always been something in the news or some topic that captured my attention which I wanted to sound off on, but lately it has been a bit quiet.

I’m kind of burned out on all the VR hype, the progression of Second Life hasn’t really gotten me excited, at least enough to write a whole post about it...

As a result, I decided to ask my Twitter followers what they think I should write about on this post, and (not surprisingly) Noir Genesis@palecrane replied that they wanted me to do a post about my love life.

*gag me with a spoon*

Not exactly the sort of thing that I am prone to writing about, but I do on occasion. After checking with my current girlfriend to make sure it was alright with her (after all, this is about her too) and getting a green light, I find myself sitting down and typing these words.

A Little Perspective

I think it best suits the narrative to begin with a past overview leading up to today in order to give a better understanding, so with that I’ll start.

You may find it somewhat surprising that my love life is riddled with just as many train wrecks as you would expect from any other person. I’m just an average guy and by no means am I perfect. There is just as much fallibility and drama, and I would contend that my love life is on the whole pretty boring.

Growing up, I’ve always had a mentality of being older than my physical age would convey, and as such my ability to “jive” with people around my own age never materialized. I was always the quiet one who detested partying and would instead rather a quiet night reading a book or watching some anime. I had my hobbies which kept me occupied, such as programming. But even as early as third grade it was discovered that I had a much higher than average intelligence and I was reading and comprehending at a college level with ease.

While the other kids were happy playing G.I. Joes and watching cartoons, I was doing a report on a book called Blueprints (human genome and evolution) for my class. Of course, that book now isn’t entirely high grade material past early college, but for a third grader this was rocket science and it even went over my teacher’s head for some of it. Which of course led me straight into GT testing... Gifted and Talented... how I hated that. I felt like a lab rat with them constantly pulling me out of class to test me across the board. When they got done, they realized I was a third grader predominantly thinking on a college level but due to my age, all they could do was suggest bumping me up to the fifth grade.

My mother at the time simply left that up to me, and I had declined. I just wanted to be “normal” like the other kids.

I was way out of their league even then, and it definitely distanced me from my peers. There was no way around that reality, and it would be something that I had to deal with my entire childhood and life. I suspect this is an underlying reason why I ended up becoming such an introvert, and likely a full blown INTJ personality type. Reality hit hard as a kid (for many reasons), and the blissful ignorance of being a kid didn’t really last long. We’re talking about a kid who figured out my mother was actually Santa Clause at about age 6.

That isn’t to say I didn’t like cartoons or some of the typical kid stuff... because Danger Mouse was (and still is) the greatest secret agent in the world. I watched a lot of MTV and Nickelodeon growing up (back when MTV played nothing but music videos and Nickelodeon had great shows like Today’s Special, You Can’t Do That On Television and David The Gnome). But along side that, I was also into a lot of Discovery channel, Bill Nye The Science Guy, and shows on PBS (Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and other educational shows).

I was a strange sort of kid and the same was true as I got older. In my early twenties I was better suited hanging around people in their thirties and forties while my friends in their early twenties just couldn’t get a grip on my personality.

Why wasn’t I interested in the things they were? They listened to the latest music and I loved classic rock and oldies. The girls I did date back then were always just interested in short term having fun and had no concept of a future. Let’s just party, get drunk, smoke pot and have sex... That never seemed like something I was interested in even back then as I would be in the husband material mindset while they were in the quick fix mindset.

Effectively, I was an old soul in a young body. It came with benefits but at a very high price.

That (again) isn’t to say that I didn’t spend time partying in my early to mid twenties. It’s just that I was trying to comprehend it and figure out why I should. Like a lot of teens and young adults, I smoked a hell of a lot of pot and drank myself under the table. I could be the life of the party, and even then there wasn’t a want for women... I was just as (if not more) fawned after and I very well could have had my pick. I just chose not to, because well... I didn’t see the point in hookups and one night stands. It had gotten most (if not all) of my friends into some serious shit (a disproportionately high amount of baby mama drama).

Plus, that nagging conscience of mine just kept telling me it wasn’t right, and that ultimately it was a hollow existence to fill a hole with short term lust and trade off love to get it. So I decided that what I really wanted was love, the real deal. It’s just how I’m wired in my head... the whole settling down, getting married and having kids.

Even my friends who did end up getting married and having kids with their high school sweethearts, ended up in similar train wrecks later. Lying, cheating, divorced... I think that really screwed up my perception of things over the years, because I started wondering if anyone could ever just be honest, caring and faithful or if it was really a total lost cause.

This, not surprisingly, led me into quite a lot of odd situations where women in their early forties would be hitting on me when I was 19 (and through my twenties), and it wasn’t the age gap that bugged me but the overall situation.

One of my many blessings (and curses) is that I’m a realist and a pragmatist, and so I had a hard time visualizing a long term future with anyone. At least, not the sort of long term future that I wanted. The thing about women in their forties is that more often than not they have already been married and divorced (or were still married) and had kids of their own. To me, that seemed like a horrible trade off just to be with somebody... like I’d sacrifice my own chance at something everyone else had taken for granted. And with women my own age, they more often than not turned out to be half-wits with nothing more on their mind than short-term.

Again, no shortage of getting laid if I wanted to take them up on the offers, but I simply couldn’t see myself in a hollow relationship of convenience and an eventual dead-end waiting to happen (in either route).

Much of that stemmed from my understanding of being an emotional crutch when people were feeling inadequate and insecure (co-dependency), and that it wasn’t really about being with me but instead it was about just feeling better about themselves and I was just the pawn in that situation.

I think the song Maggie May by Rod Stewart really summed that up.

Some of it over the years manifested in a lot of women (girls) who were interested in the idea of being in love but only as long as it came with no commitment. All the benefits and none of the seriousness. For them, I saw no long term future either... and that greatly troubled me. This is how one of my relationships (after four years) came to a disastrous halt.

It never occurred to me that a proper reaction to having somebody propose to you would be to break out in tears of anguish... being upset by the very idea of commitment. And yet, that’s how it turned out in the one time I bothered to propose to a woman. She liked the idea of dating but never commitment.

Four years of my life that I’ll never get back.

There have also been plenty of women who have outright lied and cheated on me, and for the most part I’ve taken a very different viewpoint of that as I have gotten older. I used to be absolutely pissed off and livid, that something so simple as just being faithful and honest could escape everyone... but then I started seeing things in a different light. Instead of being hung up on a loss, I’d assume they were still hung up on somebody else and weren’t the right woman for me to begin with, and so it was better that they moved on and didn’t waste my time.

To me, I don’t go into something like love half-assed or with partial intentions. I believe in giving my all through thick and thin. I can’t even roleplay a relationship because to be honest, I have always found that where the mind leads the heart will eventually follow. If you’re going through the motions, eventually you’re going to feel something.

Cheating on a faithful person is like throwing away a diamond for a lump of coal.

So in that respect, infidelity/cheating is a monumental killer of relationships with me. I know there’s plenty of “experts” who claim that infidelity can save a marriage or relationship, but in what I have witnessed it actually doesn’t.

Case in point, one of my long-time friends from high school is with somebody else I knew from back then (and dated). She wants a full relationship, and even marriage eventually. But he’s just cold about it. This comes from his ex-wife screwing him over and cheating on him with every dick that passed by.

So instead of letting him be a serial dater and just moving on herself, she decided that an open relationship is a good idea and will save their relationship. That over time, she is better having a fraction of his attention than none at all, and eventually she will change his ways and he’ll just ... I don’t know... turn around or something?

Well, it isn’t working out like that. He brings those girls home and screws them in front of her, invites them to dinner that she cooks, and so on. And she tries to play along and say it doesn’t bother her, and that it adds some spice to their life.

At least, that’s what she tells him... but being one of my long time friends, she tells me a whole lot different, and I know it absolutely rips her apart inside to be so desperate that she’ll pander to anything he wants just to get the time of day and a sliver of a hope in the future. Unfortunately, it’s like rubbing salt into a wound each and every time... now, that’s a woman that truly loves that man and a man that gives not a single fuck about her.

In the bigger picture, I see open relationships as nothing more than serial dating while pretending to be committed to each other. The serial dating part is accurate, but the commitment part is just something you tell each other to justify it and make it seem like you’re still together. In so many cases that I’ve come across from my friends who tried it, there has almost unanimously been at least one person in that agreement who was just trying to appease their partner in a desperate attempt to make them happy and keep them around. And to them, it absolutely hurt like hell but they put on a really good face so long as their partner was happy.

Maybe it’s different for you? I don’t know... if it is (for whatever reason) then kudos and best wishes.

But from experience and seeing so many of my friends go through similar things, I’ve become hard wired to thinking it’s simply selfish behavior on one person (or both) and the other person loving them so much that they’ll do anything to make them happy even if it destroys themselves in the process. Either that or you’re really not in a committed relationship at all and are simply serial dating, in which case just call it what it is and move on.

Duality Dilemma

Growing up, I was raised as an old fashioned gentleman. Maybe that mindset manifests as a 1950s/1940s sort of father figure in my mind. One of my biggest pet peeves is lying and cheating, and so there has never been a time in my life when I have cheated on a woman. That probably stems from my obsession in life not to be like my father (whom did cheat on my mother and lie).

I’ve seen my own mother go through countless bad marriages and relationships, even up until today, and I long ago decided that what I was looking for in life was effectively the exact opposite of what she kept finding. My father, oddly (and after another marriage) ended up reforming (or so I’m told) and has been happily married for about 15 years now to his current wife Beth. Kudos to him on that.

For the longest time, I began to really think about this situation. It would seem that being in the mindset that I was would lead to two scenarios:

I give up on trying to just settle down, have kids and get married. Throw that out the window to have a fraction of that with an older woman.

Date within my own age bracket and just give up on having anything meaningful in terms of connection or shared interests.

I wasn’t too keen on the first option because for obvious reasons it would piss me off to have to throw out the chance at my own family and effectively settle for a divorced woman with kids. Nothing against them, but to me it seems a hell of a lot like settling for whatever was left over and discarded from some other relationship... table scraps.

I know that sounds mean, but that’s pretty much what goes through my head. I haven’t been married once, and I have no kids of my own. To effectively settle on a woman that is divorced, has kids and isn’t interested in any more is a total waste of my time and completely unfair to me.

Then, there is the second option of attempting to date in my own age bracket. Which I actually tried damned hard to do in both Second Life and real life. I effectively got the same result either way. In Second Life that more often turned out like an amplified clusterfuck of damaged goods, lying, cheating, married women, etc... and in real life it was and has been roughly the same. Except the married women part. That just seems to be the norm in Second Life.

For quite awhile, I had decided it wasn’t actually worth the effort either way because the odds of finding anyone that could be honest, faithful and have the same goals just seemed too far fetched. And even when I did decide to date, it always turned out that I was proven right (sadly). In Second Life, I was convinced by a friend named Mickey to not give up and at least try. His wording was akin to the phrase “You have to shovel a lot of coal before you find a diamond.” Sure you’re going to get really dirty, but eventually you will find what you are looking for if you keep trying.

And so I did keep trying.

Though (to be honest) I still had a semi-defeatist attitude about it. In Second Life there is a disproportionately high percentage of damaged goods (no offense), and the sort of people I ran into were simply extrapolated versions of what I had come to find in real life. Married, separated, older women pretending to be in their twenties, people lying, cheating, you name it.

That isn’t even touching on the alternative lifestyles, which I say “To each their own” but it’s just not something I’m interested in. I’m a one woman sort of man, and I’m really only interested in a one man sort of woman. So that rules out the idea of swingers and BDSM, not to mention the D/s lifestyle in general. There’s just something about having many women that is unappealing to me, especially as “slaves”. In the same notion, it doesn’t appeal to me if the woman I’m with is shared among many... something about me just doesn’t reconcile the idea of being a sometimes affection.

But of course, I’m neglecting that third option – Being the older man.

I’m going to say right out of the gate, that I had the same bias against dating younger women that I did about dating older women. It wasn’t something I seriously considered because the whole age gap thing almost always manifested in the most immature, childish and selfish behavior. It also created a guaranteed disconnect between what my goals and interests where in life and theirs.

There’s a point where being different from each other is ok, but a total generation gap usually proves to be a killer in a relationship. I had always set my range somewhere between 25 and 35, and even then I didn’t entirely think a 25 year old was going to be on the same page as I was for what they wanted. Not surprisingly, I hadn’t even found a 30-something year old on the same page, and just as immature...

I’m well past my party days and now I’m older and more mellowed out. My mentality is finally catching up to my real life age after all of these years (give or take another ten years).

So, like... OMG, Nikki Minaj and One Direction are totally NOT my thing.

I’ve had maybe... two women convince me to give them a chance when that age gap existed, and I really had misgivings about it. There is just a naïveté there that you can’t cut through. In both of those instances, it did implode in lies and idiocy on their part and one did think she was clever enough to cheat and get away with it.

Hint: She was busted long before I said anything. I just wanted to see how long she was going to keep asking for rope.

In both real life and Second Life, it had never occurred to me that being the older man was an option simply because I had zero faith in that age gap and mentality. I had (more or less) written it off and carried on, while actually shooting down a number of younger women in the process.

Lolita

And then, of course, I had to run into her.

A young woman that has the same old soul, young body situation that I did when I was younger. There was something very different about her demeanor and mentality versus what I was accustomed to for women around her age, and hell – women twice her age.

Originally she had told me she was 26, but somehow I knew better than that. She looked a lot younger and at the time (first couple of days) I was more worried about her being underage than anything.

Her mannerisms were like a 30 year old, which confused the ever living hell out of me, but then later on made me laugh a little. After remembering what I was like around her age, I can now see the confusion from the other side of the coin. How I must have messed with the older folks back then and thrown them off... being that young but holding my own around people in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s like I was just one of them.

So after a bit of digging (which I am known to do) I did figure out how old she really was in an undeniable way. I would like to say that she cut it very close.

At the time, she had recently turned 18.

As in, roughly one month after she turned 18...

Ok, I thought... cutting it close, but she’s legal. That’s one less issue to think about.

Obviously, the next thought in my mind was simply telling her “No way, you’re way too young for me.” But she had a chance to convince me, and what she said was compelling enough that I told her that I’d give her a chance, entirely on merit alone and not looking at her age.

What she had said to me that night was this:

I don’t get along with anyone my own age. I have nothing in common with them. They party, I read... they want to go out, get drunk, high... whatever... I have no interest in that. They want to have a bunch of boyfriends, and let loose getting laid constantly with no thought about the future... so many of them have baby mama drama and are damaged goods.

But that’s not me. I listen to classic rock and oldies... I bring a book when I’m dragged to parties... I don’t want Mr. Right Now... I want the white picket fence, marriage, and kids. I want to settle down with one man, and I’m smart enough to think about that now and not after it’s too late. Because I’m serious.

The reason I told you I was 26 is because every time I told a guy I’m 18, they immediately shut me out and wouldn’t give me a chance.

When I started saying 26, they would at least listen and give me a shot.

Of course, I would ask my Lolita why in the hell she wanted to be with a 35 year old guy. That is a very large age gap as far as I am concerned. Almost twice her age... and that (I will not lie) makes me just a tad bit uncomfortable.

In this particular instance, she was the one that went through hoops just to pin me down and get a chance, to which I was very reluctant. To be honest, I really did consider saying she was too young and move along. But she made a compelling argument for why I should at least give her a chance.

I already knew why she wanted to date much older men (within reason), because it was pretty much the same reason I only seemed to get along with older women when I was the same age.

But what about that monumental age gap...?

Of course, the mantra is usually “Age is just a number”, and I give that a fair shake. In some regard, I want to say this is like a mid-life crisis thing but I never went looking for an 18 year old – she went looking for me and insisted.

I did agree to give her a chance on merit, and I am a man of my word.

So what about that monumental age gap? I really can’t tell you. She doesn’t care about it, and simply loves me. For all it matters (to her), I am the embodiment of what she wanted in a man - “Husband material”, and everything else is inconsequential.

I’d have never bothered to date somebody her age if she didn’t make the effort to pin me down and convince me. It never crossed my mind.

She’s in college now, studying for a degree in Criminology.

I feel... I dunno. Weird in one sense, and like I somehow won the lottery in the other sense. I can’t quite make up my mind... but for what it’s worth, I do love her.

She’s beautiful, intelligent, random (sometimes), serious, loving, faithful, and of course seemingly on exactly the same page across the board as I am. She may be young, but she thinks and acts like a thirty year old (at least) with the bangin’ body of an 18 year old.

We’ve been together for awhile, and so far things haven’t totally imploded or anything like that. Again, I’m a realist... so you’re not going to find any blind optimism here.

I got to thinking the other day that guys my age usually would kill to be dating a college co-ed. They don’t make porn about it for no reason, let’s be honest. But there is more than that... she wants husband material, and I was looking for wife material. I think, maybe... just maybe... things will work out for once.

I count myself lucky... and I can only hope that I make her happy.

There is that oddness from a total déjà vu with her, and that’s really the other reason I gave her a chance. As abnormal as it seems, everything about her seems very natural and normal. As if I’ve known her for a very long time.

No idea if there is some cosmic fate connection (soul mates), but she has the same déjà vu about me as well, and I take her at her word about it.

I’ll let the future tense wife tell you in her own words <3

Future Tense Wife

I’ve always had this title for any of my girlfriends that I’d be serious about, and that is the idea of “Future Tense Wife”. Essentially it means the same thing as “Girlfriend” but with potential to be more.

Sadly, every time I’ve actually used this phrase, it turns out that they snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and end up lying, cheating, or just intentionally sabotaging the relationship. This time around, I’m still asking of her the same thing I’ve always asked before – Honest, Caring, Faithful. Three little things that somehow seem to be nigh impossible to find these days...

What do I think the future will hold for my love life?

I couldn’t possibly tell you. But I can tell you that I hope it is married to the woman that I adore, and who adores me just the same. Honest, faithful and loving. I hope to settle down and have kids with her, and be a proud parent.

(I’m hopeful) it’ll be the woman I am with today, Stephanie Fisher. She makes it a point to tell me that’s exactly what she wants out of a relationship, and I take her at face value.

The future, however... it isn’t written, and I’m no psychic. The future is what you make of it, and if that’s in my cards (so to speak), then we’ll have to last together long enough to see it through.

For now I take it day by day and see what happens. Hopefully very good things :)

So there you go... by request. A post about my love life (and so much more).