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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Presidential Appointments

Presidential Appointments

The President
was tired. He had spent a long day behind his desk, dealing with the long queue
of job-seekers. He had done all he could to give them suitable jobs, sending the most
crooked and dangerous as ambassadors to faraway places such as Outer Mongolia
or Canada. But just as he thought his day’s work was done, and he was almost nodding
off in his chair, he was jerked awake by a banging on the door. ‘Come in,’ he
shouted, with some exasperation.

To his surprise,
a donkey trotted into the room, stood in front of him and said ‘Hee haw!’ Even
by the general standards of the queue of bootlickers, thought the President,
this one looks particularly hopeless and dull. Perhaps he could send the poor
fellow to Malawi.

‘Yes,’ said the President,
what can I do for you?’

‘I am Due
Process,’ said the donkey.

‘So what job do
you want?’ asked the President wearily.

‘I want to be the
supervisor of all your ministers and permanent secretaries,’ declared the
donkey, ‘to make sure that they follow all the correct rules and procedures.’

‘What!’ shouted
the President, rousing himself from his chair and chasing the cheeky donkey out
of the room, ‘That’s my job! I’m the one to supervise the government! Get out!’

As the donkey’s
hooves clattered down the corridor, the President returned to find a huge fish eagle
perched on a chair.

‘And who do you
think you are?’ shouted the President.

‘I am a legal eagle,’
said the fish eagle solemnly. ‘My name is Rule of Law, and it is my job to make sure that the
law is administered fairly, without any witchhunting or favouritism, or bribing
of the judiciary.’

‘Unless you’re interested
in prosecuting my enemies,’ sneered the President, as he opened the French window
wide, ‘you’d better look for a job elsewhere!’

But as the legal
eagle flew out, in walked another strange bird. An ostrich! ‘Jesus wept!' screamed the President. ‘What do you want? All the jobs are filled for today! Get
out!’

‘My name is Transparency,’
said the ostrich calmly. ‘My job is to look at everything your government is
doing. With my huge transparent eyes and long neck, I can look into every nook
and cranny to make sure you are doing what is required by Due Process and Rule
of Law.’

The President
stood there with the French window still open. ‘Your two friends
have already left,’ he said sarcastically, ‘so I suggest that you follow them.
And quick! Before I call security!’

The President
now slumped back into his seat, thoroughly exhausted. ‘My God,’ he sighed to
himself, ‘All the years I sought this job, never realizing what was involved.’
He closed his eyes and thought back to happier times, when he was unemployed.

Then he heard a
loud snort. He opened one eye. There was a huge elephant. ‘My name is Old Constitution,’
said the elephant sternly, ‘and I am here to make sure that you keep your oath
of office, and do all the things that I tell you to do, and none of the things that
I tell you not to do!’

‘Get out of
here!’ screamed the President, as he leapt on his desk and began prodding the
elephant with the national flag. ‘I’ve set up a commission of inquiry to
investigate you. You can’t come here while you are under investigation! The
commission has been asked to report on how to reduce your power and size so that you never again try to throw your weight about! Get out!’

The President
felt a satisfying feeling of Presidential power as Old Constitution suddenly
disappeared from the scene. But worse was to come. As the President was still standing on his
desk, a huge crocodile came out from underneath, and opened its jaws wide.

‘Who are you?’
said the President bravely. ‘Are you Freedom of Information? Gender Equality? Accountability?
I don’t fear any of you! I’m the President! I’m the one in charge! Go away! Get
out!’

‘My name is
Corruption,’ laughed the crocodile. ‘And I am going to eat you up!’

‘I chased all
the other animals,’ sneered the President. ‘Now it’s your turn!’

‘Ha ha,’ laughed
he crocodile, ‘you don't seem to realise your problem. It’s because you chased away my enemies, Due Process, the Rule
of Law and Transparency, that you’ve now got me, Corruption, instead.’

But as the President looked down into the beguiling hypnotic eyes of the crocodile he began to feel dizzy, and lost his balance.
He felt himself falling down, down, down into the throat of the crocodile…

__________________________________

‘Aaarrgh!’ The President
woke up with a start and sat bolt upright in the bed, immediately waking up
the First Lady. ‘Another bad dream, darling?’

‘I’ve just been swallowed
by a crocodile! Assassinated!’

His wife calmly
took his pulse and temperature. ‘Don’t worry dear, you’re definitely still
alive. So you haven’t been assassinated! It must have been a bad dream.’

The President
threw his arms around her neck. ‘You don’t know what it was like!’ he sobbed. ‘There
were all these terrible animals. Due Process! Rule of Law! Transparency! I was so frightened!’

‘Don’t worry, my
dear,’ she said gently, as she patted his little fat belly. ‘Those are all
mythical animals. They’re only seen in dreams. They don’t exist in real life! Nobody worries about them!’

‘But what about the
crocodile?’

‘Oh he’s real
enough,’ she agreed. ‘But don’t worry, I can inoculate you against him!’ So
saying, she took a syringe out of her bag and gave him a jab.

‘Ouch!’

‘Don’t worry
dear, now you’ve got immunity!’

After that, the President
was reassured. He went back to sleep with a smile on his face. He knew that he
was now safe.

Why do people read satire articles and then shower their religious fervor over everything? Come on guys, this is a joke, it is meant for you to read in between the lines. If Satire offends you stop reading it.