Given the limited output around here the past few months, it seems even more lame that I have been forced to take a temporary hiatus for a few weeks.

Nothing bad has occurred - just the opposite - but nonetheless I desperately need a temporary leave of absence, and like a blind man at an orgy, I'm going to have to feel my way around. Real life that is.

{Editor's Note: Above view from rooftop deck}

I will return, and look forward to catching up on what I missed at the blog stops I enjoy a hell of a lot.

Here's to a few good weeks for everyone as things slide into fall . . .

It’s the end of summer, and yet, somehow Jeff Spicoli’s summer vibe came to me this week, probably due to Penn’s involvement in QHF.

Anyway, it’s finally stopped raining in Austin and it should be 95 degrees and sunny this weekend, so before I hit the office by 4 pm, let’s look at the hard stories of the week such as:

The best story of week featured Britney Spears who was sued by a former security guard who alleges in a sexual harassment lawsuit that the pop star emotionally scarred him by exposing herself, insulting him and threatening to fire him over a Slurpee. Awesome.

Fernando Flores is seeking an undisclosed amount for being "humiliated and traumatized" by Spears.

In the Los Angeles Superior Court lawsuit, Flores claims Spears "made repeated unwanted sexual advances" and summoned him to her room at her house "for no other purpose or reason than to expose her naked body or near-naked body."

The Slurpee incident supposedly occurred on the way to a screening of ‘Alice in Wonderland’ when Spears asked Flores to fetch her a Slurpee. When he told her there was a 15-minute wait, she allegedly snapped, "I want my [expletive] drink! God! I'm gonna fire your ass!"

To me, this seems like a dream job: Sex and Slurpees and Spears, so I don’t really get what Flores is complaining about – just bring Spears a Slurpee and screw her on occasion and you probably get a nice, fat Christmas bonus.

Penn had previously called Jean a "non-presence" in Haiti, was called out by the singer while Jean was singing the song "President." Jean changed the lyrics of his song to say, "I got a message for Sean Penn: Maybe he ain't see me in Haiti 'cause he was too busy sniffing cocaine."

A rep for Penn said: "Mr. Jean is clearly unfamiliar with the physical demands put upon volunteers in Haiti. As aid workers there, the notion of depleting the body's immune system thru the use of illicit drugs is ludicrous. More specifically, J/P Haitian Relief Organization (a.k.a. JPHRO) has a ZERO tolerance policy for any and all illegal drugs. As the leader of this organization, Sean Penn has not only set this policy, but adheres to it. That Mr. Jean would make such a false accusation is reckless and saddening, but not surprising."

Penn added: “And that shit didn’t even rhyme! That ain’t no song.”

Angelina Jolie spoke out this week and condemned a Florida church's threat to burn copies of the Koran to mark the ninth anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks.

"I have hardly the words that somebody would do that to somebody's religious book," Jolie told reporters in Pakistan, where she is visiting to help with victims of the recent floods.

I have the words, however, and most of them revolve repeatedly around “ignorant” “dipshit” and “morons.” The Church, not Jolie.

Lady Gaga's September cover of Vogue Hommes Japan will feature the singer wearing only a meat bikini. Seriously.

PETA has chimed in on the Terry Richardson-shot cover, saying "meat is something you want to avoid putting on or in your body," and that "no matter how beautifully it is presented, flesh from a tortured animal is flesh from a tortured animal."

refuse to speculate about how much meat Lady Gaga has actually put inside her body by this point in her life because I am a Gentleman.

Heidi Montag took to Twitter Tuesday to discuss her routine for keeping her breast implants "soft."

My message to Montag: Don’t discriminate against Gentlemen when it comes to this chore as I’m an altruist at heart and more than willing to lend a helping hand. Or two.

In other reality show news, a U.S. judge warned "Jersey Shore" reality star Snooki this week that she was acting like troubled actress Lindsay Lohan, and also sentenced her to community service for disorderly conduct.

Snooki had pleaded guilty in August after she was arrested in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Police said she was being disorderly on the beach and was bothering patrons.

"Natural law. Sons are put on this earth to trouble their fathers.” – Paul Newman, ‘Road to Perdition’

Great line. Great Blu Ray transfer of that movie. Very good – though not quite great – film. Oh well, it was fun to watch it again after so many years, and it is always good to see Paul Newman.

Since it’s still hovering at 100 degrees in Austin, I plan to do some of my laboring inside this long weekend, but before I hit the door by 3 p.m. – screw it – let’s look at the hard stories of the week such as:

It was a damn slow week in Hollywood, but the big news was Paris Hilton: More specifically her cocaine arrest in Las Vegas this past weekend.

On Monday, Hilton was charged with felony possession of a controlled substance, and she is set to be arraigned Oct. 27.

It happened like this (from Las Vegas Police files): After Paris Whitney Hilton and her boyfriend Cy Waits were pulled over in the Cadillac Escalade they were driving, they were taken into the Wynn Hotel because she was "extremely embarrassed" by the gathering crowd and she had to "use the bathroom badly."

At the hotel, Paris needed lip balm, so a policeman handed her a purse and out fell "a small bindle" of cocaine. There was also a "broken tablet of Albuterol" -- a prescription medication used to control wheezing -- in the bag and Zig Zag wrappers, commonly used to roll marijuana joints.

Hilton claimed that the purse and the cocaine were not hers, and that she had "borrowed it from a friend."

Hilton also told the Police she didn’t use the cocaine to get high, she just liked the way it smelled.

A few days later, it was announced that Paris Hilton was banned from two Wynn resorts on the Las Vegas Strip.

This sounds like a Wynn-Wynn situation to me (ouch) for the resorts since Hilton never eats anything inside them and only gambles when she uses the public restrooms inside the hotels.

Lindsay Lohan sent a cease and desist legal letter to her father – Michael Lohan – this week ordering him to stop selling her personal property, RadarOnline.com reported.

Lohan accused her father of attempting to sell her private diary entries she wrote while in drug rehabilitation at Cirque Lodge in Utah, in 2007.

It was really just the same entry repeated over and over again on different days, and all of them read: Tried to turn my toilet bowl water into Vodka again today, but still tastes totally gross.

Conan O'Brien announced the name of his upcoming Late Night show on TBS this week – it will be called “Conan.”

"Conan" debuts Nov. 8.

The title is sure to infuriate a small but vocal legion of fans who tune in Nov 8th and expect to see Conan the Barbarian, however, O’Brien has agreed to wear only a loin cloth for his first week on the job to ease the burden.

As always, let’s end with a gold image or two:

I love some nice leggings and the rest of the body is fine with me as well. So, don’t bother crossing your legs today, never feel bad about getting a firm grip on yourself and . . . Happy Friday and Happy Labor Day Weekend!

"Dad, we're men. That means a few things - we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky.” – John C. Reilly, ‘Step Brothers’

I’m not entirely sure just how universal that is, however, I do like me some beef jerky now and again.

Anyway, before I hit the door by 4 pm and enjoy the balmy 98 degree temperature outside (finally under 100), let’s look at the hard stories of the week such as:

Tiger Woods and his Swedish wife Elin Nordegren finalized their divorce this week.

Terms were not disclosed, however, a statement from their lawyers read: "We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.”

Off-record, Nordegren elaborated with, “Yeah, I wish that cheating bastard the very best with his future whores, porn stars, nightclub workers and pancake house waitresses who he chooses to bang. I’ll just lie naked on my pile of divorce money.”

{Editor’s Note: The above statement was not found on the court records.}

Lindsay Lohan was released early from rehab on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday, a judge gave her a rigorous probation program: four psychotherapy sessions, two addiction counseling sessions and five 12-step meetings a week.

He also dismissed two cocaine charges from her back-to-back 2007 DUI cases and said she can go on unsupervised probation in November if she follows the rules.

"It appears she is very serious about her sobriety," Superior Court Judge Elden Fox said.

Lohan's lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, said: "She looks forward to proving to the court and (prosecutors) that she is serious...She has learned her lesson and wants to move on in a positive way."

Lohan later Tweeted: “As long as I don’t test POSTIVE on a future drug test, I’ll be moving on all right. Sniff.”

Paris Hilton called police on Tuesday after seeing a man wielding two large knives and banging on her windows outside her Los Angeles home. Seriously.

"So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes. Cops are here arresting him," Hilton said in a Twitter message.

Police confirmed they had arrested a man in his 40s who appeared to have been trying to break in.

Sounds like the company currently suing Hilton for not wearing their hair extensions (see last week’s QHF) sent out an enforcer to take off her illegal extensions once and for all.

Heidi Montag spoke out this week amidst her impending divorce from Spencer Pratt to tell Life & Style magazine that she also wants to get rid of her G-sized breast implants.

Montag said: "I'm desperate to go back to normal. I'm downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D."

In other words, Montag wants to broaden her career prospects from Porn Star to Porn Star and/or Stripper. Good choice Heidi.

Anna Paquin married her True Blood co-star Stephen Moyer this week.

The couple exchanged vows in a romantic sunset ceremony at a private residence in California. Guests included co-stars from the vampire drama including Sam Trammell and Carrie Preston as well as Elijah Wood.

When asked how the ceremony, most respondents agreed that it Sucked.

Jennifer Aniston finalized a deal to guest star on her former "Friends" star Courteney Cox's current television comedy series, "Cougar Town," this week.

Aniston will appear in the show's second-season premiere airing September 22. She will play a therapist giving advice to Cox's character.

Someone desperately needs to give Aniston advice on choosing her movie career, but I’m afraid that ship has sailed.

Pop star George Michael pleaded guilty Tuesday to drug offenses and a judge suspended his license for six months.

This stemmed from an incident where Michael crashed into a photo shop and was found slumped at the wheel. In court, Michael admitted driving under the influence of drugs and possession of cannabis following the July 4 crash.

"It is a serious matter. Your driving was extremely poor and there was an accident," said Judge Robin McPhee.

Stop being my Father Figure,” Michaels shouted at the judge, who replied, “If you want your Freedom Mr. Michael, then get the Monkey Off Your Back and have some Faith in yourself man.”

{Editor’s Note: I’ve used some version of that line in the past, however, I can’t think of anything Michaels has done in the past decade except get in vehicular accidents while on drugs. Selah.}

As always, let’s end with a gold image or two:

It’s still hot as hell in Austin, so some water and gauzy sheets and nudity would all be welcomed. So, beat the heat today, indulge inside or out and . . . Happy Friday!

“I could have killed 'em all, I could kill you. In town you're the law, out here it's me.” – Sly Stallone, ‘Rambo: First Blood’

I had to give some acknowledgment to Sly for coming in Number 1 last week at the box office with ‘The Expendables.’ At some point, I will see that guilty pleasure, probably at the theater in town where you can get a beer along with your movie ticket.

Personally, I’ll try to stay above the law this weekend, but before I hit the door by 4 p.m. and brave the 103 degree temperature, let’s look at the hard stories of the week such as:

Mel Gibson was uninjured after crashing his sports car into a Malibu hillside this week.

Gibson's spokesman Alan Nierob said that the actor-director was doing fine, and that authorities do not suspect alcohol was involved.

Road rage against women, Jews, African-Americans, whores and people in general, however, has not been ruled out as a cause.

Betty White announced this week that she will write two books reflecting on everything from aging, sex and her animal friends at the zoo.

"Much as I love what I do for a living in show business, I love writing even more -- so I am thrilled to be working on not only one new book but two of them," White said.

I would follow White almost anywhere – except if she combines sex, aging and animals into a singular story. I sincerely hope that is not the case.

Michael Douglas announced he has throat cancer and will undergo eight weeks of radiation and chemotherapy this week.

Douglas is expected to make a full recovery, and told People.com he's "very optimistic."

I really hope that is the case because nobody says “Greed is good” quite as well as Douglas.

Ryan performed 10 plastic surgery procedures on Montag, 23, in one day last year.

"I am devastated to hear the news of Dr. Frank Ryan's death," Montag wrote on Twitter. "He was the most amazing person I have ever known. He was an angel and changed my life and the lives of everyone he met. He was the most brilliant talented surgeon who will ever exist. Dr. Frank Ryan changed the world."

I refuse to laugh at anyone’s untimely demise, but Montag is another matter entirely, so I think her statement is a bit grandiose and “Dr. Frank Ryan changed my entire face and body so much that my own mother doesn’t even recognize me” is actually more accurate.

‘Jersey Shore’ star Snooki was charged with disorderly conduct and creating a public nuisance at a court hearing this, but prosecuters also added another charge to her list: annoying people on a beach.

Seriously. That is a crime in New Jersey.

Snooki’s attorney, however, entered not guilty pleas to all three charges, which relate to an arrest July 30 for being intoxicated in public.

Snooki better hope that the judge doesn’t allow the prosecution to show every single episode of ‘Jersey Shore’ or she will be found guilty as charged for annoying people on the beach, on the street and virtually anywhere on the planet.

Fox had planned to add a female judge following the departure of Paula Abdul and Ellen Degeneres over the past two years, however, in their negotiation meetings, Tyler’s reps kept insisting that the ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady.’

As always, let’s end with a gold image or two:

I’m all about secrets and today, I guess dark hair is dominating the action. So, whisper sweet nothings to a friend of your choice, don’t concern yourself with putting on all your clothes and . . . Happy Friday!