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4.16.2010

A Treatise On Emesis

Let it be known that usual Thursdays include: sleeping in until I don't want to anymore, waking up and wondering what I will wear, wandering into the bathroom to brush my teeth . . .

As I finished brushing I turned on the warm water to rinse. Any self respecting person will rinse their mouth with warm water. Isn't cold water rude? As I turned on the warm faucet it occurred to me that warm water sounded really awful. No big deal, I thought, I'll just turn on the cold. See? Problem solved. I am such a problem solver these days.

I rinsed my mouth and then had to decide whether to brush my tongue. I hate deciding about brushing my tongue. I used to always brush my tongue but lately the still small voice has told me not to. But desperate times and all of that. And I gagged, as one does. No big deal, I survived it.

So, tongue brushed, gag survived, life goes on.

But!

Something went weird. Suddenly everything was wrong and nothing was right. Suddenly the world turned wonky and I felt as though I would never feel happiness again. My inside rumbled. My arms turned cold and shaky. The temperature in my head went up thirty degrees, while the temperature in my feet plummeted. I started seeing spots.

My stomach sent a signal to my brain. It said,

"BRAIN! SHALL WE SEND IT UP?"

To which my brain responded emphatically,

"No! No! No! Oh, no!"

I had to sit down. Then I had to lie down. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the toilet. The toilet was smiling at me.

Twenty years . . . twenty years and this was how it was all to end? On a Thursday? Over tongue brushing? It all seemed so wrong. And yet so inevitable. And . . . oh but then my wits were returned and I remembered that I am the one in control here! ME!

I immediately went away to my happy place (Julie Andrews in her nightgown under that ridiculously fluffy gold duvet and green and white drapes).

28 comments:

Urgh. Puking. As for your last question, you've got a sewing machine! Make one. Also, you should buy fabric, make it into drapes, and then decide you want clothing, and make the clothing out of the drapes. It's the most efficient way I can think of to get some new duds. ;-)

I had to avoid the dentist while I was pregnant for that very reason, and I am one who LOVES going to the dentist. It was very disheartening. But it went away as soon as that baby made an appearance. It's their way of telling you that THEY are actually the ones in control for a while. ;)

surprise vomits are the worst... my niece surprised vomited down my legs and on my feet the other day, on minutes hugging my let the next... let me just say she pretty much had cherry tomatoes and milk for lunch, not pretty :s

That will SO be me when I'm pregnant. I haven't thrown up since I was probably five. I will NOT let it happen when I'm pregnant... I hope. Good luck not puking. If you can do it, there's a chance I can too when the time comes.

I am with you on the debilitating terror of puking. I went about 6 years puke free (and that included a pregnancy) and one day my toddler decided to pick up a pukey virus. As if cleaning up his puke wasn't bad enough, two days later, I too had the dreaded pukiness settle over me. And you know what? After it was all done, I realized it wasn't as bad as I was sure it was going to be.

I thought I was the only person on earth who prefers rinsing one's mouth with warm water. I've been made fun of for it, even. And I'm sure nothing shy of a fetus within my womb will ever change that. I cannot rinse with cold water when warm is an option.

I'm so glad you didn't puke! And I'm so jealous of you that you've gone 2- years (and counting!) without vomiting. Oh, but I'm jealous! I think that's totally brag-worthy. Hey, didn't Seinfeld go years and years without puking? That sounds familiar. (Oh, I love how episodes of Seinfeld make their way into my noggin on a daily basis, without much provocation...)

I could hardly read your post because you mentioned puke so many times. I get nauseous with my migraines and I'm always so scared that I'll puke, but usually it's just this horrid lying on the floor and talking myself out of it.

I HATE throwing up!!! Yuck! As a kid, my mom told me that my sis would get sick, throw up and feel better, but me? I would SUFFER rather than throw up! Nasty! I wish I could say I have made it 20 years, but no dice. At least you evaded the evil toothbrush!

I feel your pain. Did you know that there is a REAL live phobia of throwing up? I have it too. So does my friend Sara. We talk about how people really don't understand how much it actually terrifies us. In every. single. way. YUCK. Glad you didn't.

You do know that small children tend to puke? like a lot- And just for a random piece of information thrown out you shouldn't brush right after the barf- it'll etch your teeth in but not in a pretty christmas glass way.

Oh God I hate throwing up. I was ill at christmas, and gosh it wasn't pretty. I wouldn't say I had a phobia but I just hate it so much; the shivering, the shaking, the cold sweats. And yes, throwing a sickie can be fun, but not when you feel queasy every 5 minutes and can't eat solids for that reason! And wow and I thought my 4 year break was a long time!

The DAY after I found out I was pregnant with Camryn, I was in the shower, and suddenly my otherwise benign body wash started to smell "off." Then I started to feel "off," in a BIG way. I leapt out of the shower, huddled on the floor of the bathroom, breathed deeply, and pleaded through clenched teeth for Karl to go fetch me some saltines and a Sprite. He did, then asked through a crack in the bathroom door if he could sit with me. I shrieked as quickly as possible, "NO!!! SHUT THE DOOR!" then went back to breathing, nibbling, sipping, and PLEADING with the Lord to make the pukiness go away. And finally it did--through a miracle of God or just my freaking awesome willpower. 19 years, baby!!! NINETEEN YEARS!!!! And that's through TWO pregnancies.

I swear, though--if Camryn pukes on me, it'll be all over. No more love between Mama and Little Bundle Boo. That child will be raising herself from that moment on!!!

You lucky girl! Aren't you almost out of the first trimester?! It's sooooo not fair that you even have a *choice* in the matter-- I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm happy that you were spared the rudeness of barfing, but shouldn't it be a prerequisite for pregnancy? At least it would make the rest of us who puked every day of their pregnancy feel a little better. Hmph.

Congratulations!!! I went through the same hell this morning when I decided to brush my tongue (over seconds of deliberation) and I failed!!! Lucky you! The toilet laughed at me all day long, so I was forced to use a different one... and I'm already halfway into the second trimester! I refuse to brush my tongue EVER AGAIN until this baby pops out...