Who Pays for College...?

Updated on
November 27, 2011

J.B.
asks from
Katy, TX
on October 13, 2011

74
answers

Are we as parents obligated/responsible for paying for our kids college? In a perfect world we would all have started a college fund when they were babies and at college age it would be enough to put any of them through the school of their choice.... but I digress. Let's put anyone's financial stability aside for now. I don't think it is our obligation to pay for college, should we help if we can sure, will some loans be incurred, sure. But as far as a yes/no answer, I say no. What say you...

My son DOES have scholarships already to cover part, exceptional SAT score and ACT. And this has nothing to do with my feelings toward his mom. My son knows I am here for him and have always been.

Report This

So What Happened?

As some of you know, I put these questions out there and then give you the rest of the story. My 17 yr old and his mom called me the other day and she said "your son is enrolling in college and it will cost $$$, how much are you gonna pay?" That is when I stated my position and followed with "I will help when I can, books, care packages etc, but I will not obligate $$$ to you right now". This has caused my son to take a stance against me. He has told me it's my responsibility to pay for his college. I paid for mine (still am) and my wife paid for hers. His mother paid for hers. I'm just bothered by his 'entitlement' mindset.

Featured Answers

C.M.

answers from
Washington DC
on
October 13, 2011

my parents paid for mine and is still putting my sister through it. All paid 100% no loans or scholarships. But, after I got married, any classes I wanted to take, then I paid for it myself, but they were just random classes to continue learning for work, nothing major. If I can, I would pay for my kids college 100% We are saving now for it, so I hope by the time they go, we are ready for it

4 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

C.B.

answers from
San Francisco
on
October 13, 2011

I didn't go to college and neither did my daughter, but I will say that growing up my mother was always very clear that she was not paying for college (or a big fancy wedding!). I see people running up debts sufficient to buy a house to put their kids through college. I never say it, but my thought is no way. Why should I take on this huge debt that will take me the rest of my life to pay off? There are many ways for the students themselves to pay for college (scholarships, grants, etc.) and if they want the education they need to pay for it. I know a woman whose son seems to be becoming a professional student. He's earned his 4 year degree and now wants to continue going to school so he's thinking about law school. He has studied in Spain for the past 2 years - mom and dad are footing the bills. He's 23 years old now! I say, cut the apron strings and let him pay for law school if he really wants to go! No, dad, I don't think you're obligated!

3 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

J.W.

answers from
St. Louis
on
October 13, 2011

Parents should pay what they can afford. I know parents that took out loans for more than their homes are worth so their kids could start out debt free. To me that is crazy. Now they will spend the rest of their lives paying that off.

I think parents should say going in I have x amount of money for college. If junior doesn't want debt then they need to start at community colleges and go from there knowing if they go crazy it is their dime. I have found of my kids friends the ones that had to pay if they went to an expensive school made more rational choices and did better in school.

3 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

More Answers

S.W.

answers from
Minneapolis
on
October 13, 2011

In 1969 a student could pay their college tuition by working 8 hours a week at minimum wage.... Tuition was a few hundred, YES hundred, dollars a year.

I started college in 1979. I went to a public 4-year college, my parents ended up paying about half of my tuition/room & board ($5000) and I got another $5000 in loans that I paid off over 10 years. I worked summer jobs. Fine.

BUT, The situation has changed. College no longer costs $2500 a year, like it was when I got my undergrad degree. It is now more than $2500 per CLASS. Not including room & board.

I'd be putting some money away now, if you want your kids to have the option to go to college. Because the general public, through our elected officials, have obviously decided that higher education is no longer a public good, but a family's responsibility. There's no way a high school graduate can "work their way through" college anymore. They are going to be burdened with tens of thousands of dollars in loans.

Another option to consider, and what my stepdaughter did, is to get an AA degree from a community college while living at home. Then transfering to a 4-year college to finish.

Added: I have to ask - how in the world did your son get to 17 without the three of you having this conversation?? I'm already discussing this with my daughter's father and she is 9.

I've heard many kids in divorce having this issue. Dad pays child support up to 18 then is DONE. Yes, Mom should have put a portion of that monthly money away for college, but sometimes that is not possible with the immediate bills to pay. Then Mom says - I don't have the money and dad says I'm not responsible. Then what? A job flipping burgers WILL NOT pay today's college tuition.

It is our job as parents to "launch" our kids into the world with a fighting chance. I am NOT against a college student working and contributing, both of my older ones had jobs from age 15 on. And they sure as heck are going to get good grades and get done in 4 years or less (my SD finished in 3.5 to save money), but we signed on to raise these kids, not step away before they are prepared to deal with adult life.

13 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

L.A.

answers from
Austin
on
October 13, 2011

What had your ex and son been told all of these years about paying for college?

This is late in the game for a conversation.

I do not understand how anyone would not assume their parents would be paying unless the parents said otherwise.

Parents usually have paid for everything for their children up to this point, so unless at some point the child had been told, "BTW, I feel like since I had to pay for my college, you will also be expected to pay yours."

When our daughter was 3, we began talking about school. "You will go to kindergarten and then elementary school, then middle school, high school, then you will go to college." She announced at that time she wanted to go to college where it "snowed". I was shocked.. I assumed she would attend college right here in Austin or at least in state.. so I told her. "I would love for you to be able to go to school where it snows, but it is expensive and mommy and daddy do not have much money. You will need to study and make good grades so you can get scholarships and grants."

This was a conversation we had over and over.. At one point my mom asked about getting our daughter "an in state College fund " that was sponsored by the state. We also saved.

Yes, our daughter was an excellent student, was a National Merit Scholar and got those Scholarships and grants. We obviously have things to pay towards this.

Our daughter is now a Senior in a Private college. She will graduate as a dble major with honors. She has lived on campus all 4 years and the college is out of state. It was no surprise to her what our financial status was and what the expectation was. We do not have even enough money to be able to pay for in state college. Yes, we can help, but she knew we were not going to be ABLE to pay for very much. She worked during the summers and is very thrifty. But with her work load, there is no way she could work during the school year.

If I had the money, heck yes, I would pay for it, but with expectations and an agreement, she would have to pay for certain expenses. She would have to work and save each summer. But it would not be a surprise her senior year.. It would have been discussed for many years prior.

10 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

T.F.

answers from
Dallas
on
October 13, 2011

I am one of the few on here who feels that it is our obligation as parents to get our daughter out of college debt free. We brought her into this world, it is our job to get her adult life set up as best we can. She is an only child by choice and we have no regrets about our plan at all.

We started her savings before she was born (she's now 16) and she should be fully funded right now if everything goes according to plan. All of the eggs are not in 1 basket, she is well diversified with her college funding. She is like us, very driven, motivated and a self starter. She has great grades in AP classes, a cheerleader and violinist.

We started shopping colleges seriously last year. We've been on college visits and tours and she has a good idea where she wants to go. She also has plans to study in Italy. She knows she has our 100% support as long as she continues to be the good citizen and student which she is. She is appreciative and she knows she has it pretty darn good around here.

We also have her as a VP of our company and she is learning the basics of running a company at this time. We don't expect her to take over our business later, it is just good experience she is getting now. We expect to sell our company within a few years because equity companies have already approached us with bids, checking out our forecasting and plans.

We also believe it is as important to have ourselves taken care of financially with our retirement and plans for when we are older so she is not out with any financial burden to care for us. Our retirement is set.

How did we do this? We are planners. We are very driven, motivated, believe in no debt, living below our means. This takes a lot of self discipline, delayed gratification, good work ethic and planning over YEARS.

We are very fortunate that we work well together as a husband wife team, have the same end goal in mind and have a niche market that does not go away when the economy is down.

That is my 2 cents and how we feel.

10 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

M.C.

answers from
Cincinnati
on
October 13, 2011

I view it as my obligation to put my son through college...the first four years. I am not going to commit to grad school. I did pay my own way and so did my husband. I don't want my son starting out his adult life in debt the way we did. We started saving for his college fund right after his birth. When considering if one could afford another child, I DO count College in the equation not just the basic necessities to get him through age 18. I believe that higher education is necessary for him to succeed in life. He will be earning this gift with grades though. I am not going to continue to pay for semesters if he becomes lazy and performs poorly. He will know this ahead of time (he is only 3 and I have several years to drill this point home :-) This is my belief for my son. I don't judge other parents who dont feel the same way.

6 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

P.R.

answers from
Cleveland
on
October 13, 2011

We're not obligated or responsible for paying for college any more than we're obligated or responsible for TRYING to buy a house in a neighborhood with good schools so they get a good education through HS or we're responsible for paying for extracurriculars so they can develop a talent to enjoy on a personal level or help them get into college. To me these things are just part of trying to be a good parent. So I don't see at as a legal type obligation but I see it as somewhat of a moral obligation. We chose to have kids. They didn't ask to be born. In choosing to have kids, most of us are aware that a college or some kind of secondary education goes a long way to helping them succeed versus struggle financially. Not always of course but in general. So when I decided to have children to fulfill my desire to be a mother, I decided it was my responsibility to pay for their college versus saddle them with a huge amount of debt just starting out in life. Scholarships and grants are great but given most people seem to count on them and I'm not sure where all the money will come from to fund them, it's certainly competitive to get them. So that's another burden I'd be putting on my kids who didn't ask to be born. I'm probably in the minority but I would sacrifice my own living standards notably to pay for at least the majority or a good portion of college for my kids if I couldn't pay for all of it.

Edit: I'd like to add that the whole idea of when kids have college paid for, they don't appreciate it is flawed. Does it happen? Sure. It also happens that kids who have to pay for it themselves drop out. I know more people than I can count who had college paid for or 80%+ paid for who completely valued it, respected their parents for making sacrifices to make it possible, worked their butts off in college to get good grades, and are hard working, successful people today. Kids who don't appreciate their parents paying for college likely were raised with a sense of entitlement and lack of respect in general and don't appreciate much of anything. You can raise kids to know that having college paid for makes them luckier than most and it also can be taken away any time.

6 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

G.T.

answers from
Redding
on
October 13, 2011

I think scholarships were put in place just for that reason. It is not a parents responsibility to foot the bill for college but it IS our responsibility to ignite a fire in them that makes them want to GO to college.
ADDED-- I think they can be allowed to live at home with free food and board as long as they are in college and want to continue to follow house rules, of course that only happens if they are going to school locally.
Mine went into the military and got their educations paid for there.

6 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

B.C.

answers from
Los Angeles
on
October 13, 2011

I have worked hard all my life until I couldn't work.

My wages were always within $50 of being able to apply for government assistance. I "saved" for my kids college by having then study and do their homework. I told each of my kids that if they wanted to go to college they could live at home for free and I would pay for room and board and help with the books and tuition if I could. It was like working a second job making sure the kids all did their homework and turned it in.

I also "saved" for my kids college by teaching them how to bargain hunt and shop wisely. They learned and some of them practrice it and some don't.

I ended up having 1 validictorian, 1 salutitorian, 5 honor role students. The other three strugged with grades like I did. All of my kids have some college. I have one child that graduated from USC and is a doctor with all kinds of student loans. All of my kids have some college. 4 have graduated or are within one semester of graduating.

If you don't "save" for your kids like I did, then you need to save the old fashioned way, with Money. You should be able to cover 20% to 25% of their college expenses, not party expenses.

ADDED. HE ia NOT entitled for you to pay for his college. If you pay for all of it, he won't appreciate it. Supplying room and board is a BIG expense. I told my kids they could live at home. If your son doesn't want to live at home for the free room and board, its his choice. He could do that at least for the first two years.

Good luck to you and yours.

6 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

M.R.

answers from
Phoenix
on
October 13, 2011

I don't care for your controlling statement of helping "when I can." What precisely does that mean? How often? How much? If you feel like it? If you don't feel like it? If he begs? If he plays his cards right? If he jumps up and down? There is a very passive-aggressive tone to that.

If he is going to commit to college, are you or are you not going to commit to helping your son? College tuition and fees have skyrocketed since the days you attended. Receiving a 'care package' won't provide much in terms really making it, unless you are a super, big care package giver.

I think if a parent is ABLE to financially help a student through college, it is then a huge gift to graduate without debt. HUGE.

If you can't, then you can't, and that is an honest conversation that should have happened well before now.

You and your new wife and your ex-wife should sit down and openly and honestly discuss what all your financial considerations can and will be over the next 4 years. Then find an affordable option and help him find funding options to bridge the gap. It might mean a junior college, or a trade school, or joining the military until he saves enough.

P.S. I put myself through university, and let me tell you, it was tough. Doable, but not fun. I had no social life. I had to drop out of my music major, as I did not have time to practice my instrument as the other kids whose parents helped them. And this was before huge student loans were available. It changed my dreams forever not having help.

6 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

K.B.

answers from
Cincinnati
on
October 13, 2011

I think we should do whatever we can to make it easier for them to complete school, but not go broke doing it. If we are in a financial position to pay in full (which we are not currently), then that is what we will do. If living at home instead of paying room and board will help them, then they can live at home. One thing I do not agree with is going far into debt just to go to an Ivy League or expensive private school. We have many excellent state schools and I will be very disappointed if any of my kids choose to go out of state without a scholarship or financial aid of some sort.

6 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

K.L.

answers from
Washington DC
on
October 13, 2011

It is absolutely NOT your obligation to pay for your son's college education. And looks like you (like most parents I know) will help with what you can. My husband and I are 7 years away from our first one being in college. When we met with our financial planner recently he said that we should ALWAYS fund our retirement accounts because you can't borrow money for retirement. You CAN borrow money for college. That being said, we are trying our hardest to save up so that we are able to pay for both of our girls to go to college. I'd love to help them get started in life without debt. It's what my parents did for me, and I appreciate it. A few years ago I asked my dad what I could do to repay him. He said "send your girls to college" I will do my best!!!

5 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

⊱.S.

answers from
Los Angeles
on
October 13, 2011

What a timely question for our house, particularly. My parents paid for my university expenses (classes, books, but not rent) -- but they stipulated that I must go to a university in state. I did just that. In fact, I saved them a bundle because I got an AA first at a community college, then transferred to a university in state. My husband put himself through school as an adult. He's less inclined to pick up the tab for college, but I'm working on that one and I imagine that I will prevail. I can be pretty persuasive when I need to be :)

I would like our daughter to go the community college route first, preferably. I would also like her to stay in state; not only for financial reasons but because I would love for her to live at home while in college. I don't want my baby going away!!!

I think we're going to start a college fund in 2012 and we'll put into it what we can. The current financial times do make that hard, but we'll do it. I keep stressing to her (she's only 6) how important it is to focus on school and earn high marks. I work at an excellent public university and she keeps telling me that she would love to go here to be near me while I work. (How cute is that?) I've already taken her on a tour of the campus and have told her that she can do it, but she'll HAVE to keep her grades up. I'm praying for scholarships!!

Added: college is not an entitlement. Many parents do what they can (as you are proposing), and that's what we will do. My father is a college instructor and values higher education so they made me an offer of what they were willing to do. I did want to go out of state, but knew that I could not afford it on my own, so I took their offer gladly. I also worked 30 hours a week through my 5 years of university because I could not live at home under my parents rules. This was MY choice.

5 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

A.W.

answers from
Kalamazoo
on
October 13, 2011

It is NOT your responsibility at all. ANYTHING that you can do for him should be very much appreciated. Lots and lots of people have to pay for their own college. It's only if you are financially able to save "extra" that you should save for your kids college. The higher priority is to save for your retirement. Kids can take out loans for college, you can't take out a loan for retirement!

5 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

T.S.

answers from
San Francisco
on
October 14, 2011

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

I think it's pretty passive aggressive for you to tell your son "I'll help you when I can." I understand your frustration with the whole entitlement thing but why not sit down with him and discuss his plans? Go over the costs, figure out financial aid and come up with a reasonable plan.

5 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

R.J.

answers from
Salt Lake City
on
October 13, 2011

In perfect world we would all have college funds put away for our kids- most of us dont. I have always told my kids that NOT going to college is not an option so I guess it is up to me to figure out how to pay for it. I have three years to figure this out. But I do think as a parent you job is to improve the life of our kids so yes we should take on the majority of the resposibility.

5 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

A.F.

answers from
Houston
on
October 13, 2011

I completely agree with you. If kids expect parents to pay for their college education, where's the motivation to get scholarships?

I think your son's mom was completely out of line and your son will need to learn how to earn his own way.

5 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

G.H.

answers from
Chicago
on
October 13, 2011

I personally think that IF I had the money I still wouldn't tell my children that I will 100% pay for it. It is in human nature to work harder when you are personally vested in anything.

I have a 21 yr old daughter in her senior year of college. Initially we helped her a lot. But she was doing terrible & thought there was a degree in Facebook (sarcasm). We cut her off. As soon as she realized the cost of student loans, food, etc she straightened herself out. She only 'got it' because she now had a vested interest in her education.

I have 3 more that are far from college years. We have instilled the importance of education but we will also let them know that they must work hard to pay for it. We do plan on *helping* them but not til AFTER they graduate from college.

It's sad that kids nowadays have such a sense of entitlement. Just look at SOME of the ignorant 'Occupy Wall Street' protestors that are kids wanting to start at the top & refuse to start at the bottom.

Maybe you can talk to your ex about helping with the necessities & letting your son know that he needs to 'prove' himself & then you may be willing to go above & beyond.

5 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

T.M.

answers from
Tampa
on
October 13, 2011

Yes, I think that you should help with college. I feel that I owe it to my children to give them the best start that I can. That being said, I will certainly expect my kids to do their part. My disclaimer is that my Dad did not pay one cent towards my education...in fact he did everything he could to even make it difficult for me to get financial aid. I did work through school...a lot. I took out loans which I am still paying back. Even when I was working hard and he could afford to help me, he still didn't. I got a rough start for sure...

5 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

M.M.

answers from
Chicago
on
October 13, 2011

Well, when you son gets accepted and his total tuition package gets calculated he will have some money coming from scholarships, some from work and some will be expected to come from family (both parents' financial situation will be considered and calculations will be based on that). If you do not want to contribute the portion that is called parental responsibility - your son will have to borrow or get an extra job to pay for his school.

I do not agree with your ex's language "your son is enrolling in college and it will cost $$$, how much are you gonna pay?" You will be told by the school Financial Office how much you BOTH are expected to pay after all the numbers will taken into account. How you will split it - it is up to you. As I said, if you will not pay your share, it would have to come from other sources.

In re: your question are we obligated/responsible to pay? Of course not... We do it out of love. We want the best for them. If you think that your son should learn about self-sufficiency, have a talk with him. Explain your position. I do not see any productive dialog going on - only angry accusations flying between you 3. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

J.B.

answers from
Boston
on
October 13, 2011

When your kids apply to schools, the schools calculate an expected family contribution and then model need-based financial aid on that. If you don't pay the EFC, your kids don't go. It's as simple as that.

If you're OK with your kids going to a community college or affordable state school that student loans and their own income can actually cover, then this is not a problem. If you're OK with your child going into the work force, emancipating him or herself from you financially and then figuring out how to earn a degree on his or her own, also not a problem. If, however, you have thoughts of your child going to a higher-level state university or private college, you're in for a rude awakening. UMass, our state school, is well over $10K per year not including room and board. Undergrad students cannot borrow that much and I doubt there are many who can make that amount working and go to school. There are many schools in my state that cost $20-55K per year including room and board. Can I pay that? Heck no...but if one of my children is a good student and hard worker and gets accepted into to a pricey school, I will fill out the financial aid forms and see what numbers they come up with. If we can afford it, we'll do it and if not, we'll help pay for whatever we can afford. I figure that if I was willing to pay upwards of $10K a year for daycare, I should be able to pay that much for college too.

I guess it all depends on how much the parents and student value higher education. In our family, if college is a good match for you, you go. If you're a poor student who hates school and won't put the effort in to earning a degree, you figure out how to make a living. I am very glad that my parents and I invested in my education. My college was paid for by about 1/3 scholarships and the rest was divvied up among my own earnings, my parents' contribution and their loans and mine (I paid off theirs as well as mine). I didn't expect to get my education free and clear, but I could not have gone to the excellent school that I attended without their support.

ETA after your SWH...how was this not put in your divorce decree so that you were all on the same page and planning all along? How was this not factored into your child support? My husband was not married to his daughter's mother so there is no decree but you can be darn sure we've always assumed that not only would we contribute a substantial amount to her college education, we would probably be the only ones paying as it's highly unlikely that her mother will be able to help. I am the one who opened up a college fund for her when I married her dad and I am the one who has been saving for her education for years and she's not even my biological child. I will be the one who will help prep her for the SATs to increase her chanced of getting merit scholarships and my husband and I will be the ones who will be involved in choosing her schools. How have you managed to let yourself be so out of the planning loop? If you've been deliberately cut out of the planning process that's one thing but if you've just been oblivious to this and failed to plan, then shame on you and be prepared to step up and shoulder your fair share.

4 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

C.R.

answers from
Kansas City
on
October 13, 2011

I say no, but I will help if I can. I hope my girls will get some scholarships too so they will not incure so much in student loans.

4 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

S.H.

answers from
Honolulu
on
October 13, 2011

It really depends in the parents financial ability, their family 'traditions' about it, cultural habits toward education and the financing of it.
And, whatever financial vehicles the parents or "child" has, for savings accounts.
And, like most college kids, they DO work.
AND, it is also per, what a child hears from their parents, all their lives, about college and paying for it. Some kids are told from when they are very young, that they have to pay for it. Some are not, and are told that the parents will pay for it.
So, it is also the stream of verbiage, of what a parent tells their child throughout childhood, about it. And it will then 'become'... the way of college and paying for it.

If a 'child' has a sense of "entitlement" toward it, they need a swift lesson, in correcting that attitude.

4 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

M.B.

answers from
Austin
on
October 13, 2011

Well, I was fortunate in that my parents did pay for my college... 5 years of it! I did get a couple of scholarships one year that helped, and I also worked part-time jobs to help with spending money.

However, we didn't pay for our children's college... they paid for theirs with loans, scholarships, grants, and part-time jobs. We did help out some, by covering car expenses and car insurance, carrying them on our health insurance, cell phones, etc.... but we didn't foot the bill.

I agree it would be nice if we COULD... but we can't.....

4 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

K.U.

answers from
Detroit
on
October 13, 2011

It wasn't put in writing, but my husband decided on his own that whatever he was paying for child support for his 2 sons he would continue to pay TO THEM (not their mom) to help them pay for college. He also has some small amount of savings in a 529. However, his oldest son graduated high school this year, turned 18, and never made any effort to even apply to any colleges. So he's flipping burgers right now part time and he's got nobody to blame but himself. Hubby would be happy to help him out if he was actually pursuing something school-wise. As for his younger son (just turned 17 and in 11th grade), he has told him the same thing AND has had him look into community college as a lower cost option toward getting an education (he is interested in culinary arts and some community colleges have excellent programs at a fraction of the cost of some other schools).

It would have been nice to have had this conversation years ago, but maybe your ex needs a reminder that you both paid your own way and while your son will get some help, you are not in the position to pay 100%. So no, I don't think it is your responsibility to pay 100%, but if he believed that you would, telling him you can't at this point in the game is dropping a bombshell on him. I think everyone should help as much as they can within reason without becoming destitute. There are lower cost options out there they need to consider. He can always look into going to a community college for the first 2 years to keep costs down, then finish up and get his degree elsewhere.

ETA: Just for the record, my parents did pay for my college 100%, including veterinary school. Same thing for my brother, who also got a master's. I was very fortunate that they had the foresight to save their money and invest wisely so that the funds were there when we needed them. I was able to graduate debt-free, unlike many of my classmates, which gave me a huge leg up when it came to managing my finances as a young adult. In no way did having my education paid for make me less grateful or cause me to "waste" a single moment of it. I took my education very seriously - my parents just told me I had to do my part since they were doing theirs.

4 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

M.L.

answers from
Houston
on
October 13, 2011

I think we should try and help our children succeed in college. So many parents 'expect' them to go, then don't provide any help. We are in a mess right now due to student loans, $800 a month student loan bills.. and yes, we did work during college, save up, went to local schools and took advantage of grants and scholarships, but we are struggling seriously... college is so much more expensive now. Our life would be so much easier if our parents had helped. I plan on helping my children as much as possible, but won't be able to pay for it all, b/c we will STILL be paying off our loans, when we should be planning for retirement. I don't want them to have the kind of stress that we do when they are moving on with their lives and starting families. People are seriously fools if they think that their kid can get a full ride scholarship, for all 4 or 8 years of college. Some of the brightest, most amazingly gifted kids I know even have a hard time getting good scholarships.

4 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

C.C.

answers from
San Francisco
on
October 13, 2011

I think that as a parent, you should give your child the best start in life that you can. If you have to scrimp and go without so your child can go to college, so be it. Saddling your child with $100K+ in student loans is not what loving parents do, if they can help it. I'm not saying to stop paying your mortgage in order to send your kid to college, but we all know we have extras we can cut out (or at least, most of us do).

I went to an Ivy League university and had about a 50% scholarship, which still left us with $20K/year in tuition costs (this was a long time ago!), plus room & board, plus books. My parents did everything they could to help, for which I am eternally grateful. I worked 3 part-time jobs throughout college and paid for my own dorm/apartment, food, books. My parents paid about $10K/year of tuition. The rest I had student loans for - even so, I graduated with $40K in student loans. It took me a long time to pay off, but imagine if my parents hadn't helped! I'd still be paying. My parents are not rich people. I know it was a huge struggle for them to help me as much as they did. My mom planted a garden so they could eat vegetables from there. They hardly ate meat, ever, because it was too expensive. They drove a 10 year old car. My dad worked tons of overtime. Because I knew what they were sacrificing for me, I worked so hard. I graduated in 3-1/2 years by taking extra classes, so we could pay a bit less in tuition in the long run. I didn't come home for breaks so we wouldn't have to come up with the money for a plane ticket. Together, between my parents and I, we made it work.

Had they told me, "To hell with you, figure it out by yourself. It's not our responsibility to pay for your college, you entitled brat" I wouldn't have had the confidence to make it on my own. Because they believed in me, I believed in myself, and graduated early, with honors, from one of the best schools in the country. I paid back my student loans, and I have made it to the top of my field. I owe it all to them. You have no idea how much their support meant to me, and how totally devastating it would have been to me emotionally had they refused their support.

I am surprised that you blame him for feeling "entitled" to your support. You are his father, are you not? He is 17, not 35. It would mean a lot to him as a young man to have his father believe in him and help him out wherever possible. Just because you hate your ex doesn't mean you should take it out on your son.

4 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

S.L.

answers from
San Diego
on
October 13, 2011

Wow! If one of my boys said that to me - I think I might slap them. How disrespectful.

It's not your fault your son didn't do well enough in school to get a scholarship. While his education through High School is your responsibility. It is also a partnership - he (the child) must want to succeed.

He can apply for school/student loans. If he doesn't like that - he can stay mad at you. It will be his loss. Not yours.

4 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

P.B.

answers from
Austin
on
October 13, 2011

I always felt that no way would I pay for our only daughter's college, because I paid 100% of mine -- my parents only paid the first semester, I ended up getting a grant + a job right after. I paid them back for the first semester.

However, my daughter just earned a scholarship [via her SAT score] from her college that will cover 2/3 of her tuition (her college will give her the same $ amount for each year; of course tuition could obviously go up). So, this knocks it down to what her private high school tuition is now. Hmmmm. Plus she is the type who would flourish in a dorm (no way would I have wanted to live in a dorm!), so we are considering that.

She is also going to work on campus and that will go toward her "share."

She (with our input) is going to apply for numerous scholarships, so yes, I guess we are planning to pay the difference, even though I always felt strongly that I would never do this. She is so studious, it is hard not to support her this way.

Sure hope she doesn't have to go the loan route.

3 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

K.P.

answers from
Seattle
on
October 13, 2011

If I had all the money to pay for it, no debt etc. Then yes I would. If I didnt have to worry about money, then I wouldnt feel right as a parent, to make my child figure out a way to do it on his own. It seems insensitive. Here you are as a parent with the ability to pay for them, to help them out in the most useful of ways, to send them to college so that they can learn, and grow and give themselves a bright future, then you better believe I would.

If you have the money to, then there is no reason not to. It would be one of the most loving thing you can do for your child is give them a helping hand into something that is life long.

3 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

D.B.

answers from
Charlotte
on
October 13, 2011

.

3 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

J.C.

answers from
Philadelphia
on
October 13, 2011

I have friends that are so proud to send their kids off to prestigious schools but I often wonder how happy those kids will be when they have to move back home in 4 years because they are responsible for paying off loans. I am encouraging my 8th grader to seriously consider community college if she does not get grants. I think she will be much happier getting out of college being able to afford a nice car etc. We can afford to pay for 2 years of a moderately priced college but that is it.

I also remind her that our wealthiest friend does not have a college degree. He is a plumber who made smart investments in real-estate that paid off.

I think generally people value what they pay for. If your son wants it that badly he should find a way to make it happen without burdening you.

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

P.G.

answers from
Dallas
on
October 13, 2011

It's nice if you can, and I know my parents paid for part of mine, but I also had student loans for what seemed like forever. I also had an on-campus job to help pay for school. So I think parents should help pay for part of it if they are able and willing, BUT he is also obliged to carry part of it through loans, work, etc. He needs to be a man and be responsible for a good portion of HIS education.

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

D.

answers from
Houston
on
October 13, 2011

No, and I have my own college loans to show for it. Honestly though if they go on someone else's dime I don't think they will take it as seriously or try as hard to get scholarships. My husband and I plan to make the kids go to school on their own and then when they graduate, pay off their student loans for them as their gift.

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

X.O.

answers from
Chicago
on
October 13, 2011

My parents poured all their money into our primary and secondary school education, so we could attend Catholic schools. We were able to get very good academic scholarships and need-based grants to cover the bulk of our tuition, but still had to take out very substantial loans for the rest.

I have loans. My hubby had a full academic scholarship for his undergrad, and then took out med school loans.

My very wealthy aunt and uncle reimbursed us for the cost of our textbooks, and my parents co-signed loans, but that was the extent of financial help we received.

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

R.R.

answers from
Los Angeles
on
October 13, 2011

No, parents are not obligated. That said, IF you are financially able to help out that's great, but when a "child" turns 18 they are an adult, along with the rights of being an adult come responsibilities for what they choose to do with their lives. I plan to help my little one as much as I am able to when the time comes, the older two did it and doing it on their own.

Tell your son to start looking for scholarships now, there are myriads of them, for green-eyed persons, left-handed persons, persons of a certain religion or heritage, etc., that for some all he basically has to do is apply. He can apply for federal financial aid, the earlier the better, try to get as much work study as he can, and do as you're doing, pay any loans back once he's graduated.

Report This

Comments(optional)

K.R.

answers from
Dallas
on
October 21, 2011

I had to answer this and I hope this gives you insight. I do not feel that it is your responsibility to pay for your child (especially when you don't have the savings for it) what ever you can do to help would be awesome. Here is the number one thing your son needs to think about when choosing a school (if he hasn't already) how good are their financial aid packages? The school I went to was an expensive private school in New York, (actually one of the most expensive small schools in the country), but their financial aid packages were AWESOME! I got out of college owing less than what it costs for an in-state school's tuition for four years (so when you add in room and board I made out like a bandit). ALSO--- AND PLEASE LISTEN IF ANYONE OUT THERE HAS COLLEGE AGED CHILDREN--- I was a Resident's Assistant (the school paid 85% of my room and board to live on campus but some schools pay 100% of room and board). Almost every school that offers housing offers Resident Assistant positions have your son look into that because that cuts costs drastically, would look great on his resume, and allows him to participate in opportunities he may not have known about. Downside- he will have room duty a few (for me it was 6-8) nights a month which requires him to stay in his room, which kind of sucks because sometimes you have that on Friday and Saturday night (but you might like that). Also, when you get the financial aid package from the school, send them a letter saying that although you appreciate their offer you were wondering if they could offer you more. I did that and got an additional grant for 3k a year, savings= $12,000 FOR WRITING A LETTER!!! Good luck, hope this helps (worst come to worst you helping him find additional scholarships/grants could be your contribution)

Just FYI- 85% of my room and board came to a little over $8500, times that by 3 years (I started that position when I was a sophomore) = $25,500 in savings, these are figures you and your husband might want to consider looking into

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

V.C.

answers from
Dallas
on
October 13, 2011

Parent are not responsible for college expenses. I grew up in poverty and worked hard to get a good education in public school so I could get into a college. The day after I graduated, I hit the street and put in applications until I found a job then registered for junior college night classes the next fall. My company was very impressed with my work ethic and selected me to go to engineering school, but I still had to work 20-40 hours per week. It took me 6.5 years to get my degree, but I did it without incurring debt.
My husband also paid all of his expenses.
We have decided that we will pay for the first two years for our boys, then they are on their own. They are not able to get the kind of high paying jobs we did. They do have to have a part time job also. They know they are not entitled to have us pay and appreciate what they are getting. They know it is much easier than the way my husband and I did it.

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

K.K.

answers from
Dallas
on
October 13, 2011

It is definetly something we are trying to pay for. It is just too dang expensive and who know how it will be when he is older. Starting out now is IMO not as easy as it is use to be. I do not want him starting out life with more debt than I have ever had. He will most likely have to get a job as a teen and start saving as well, but his education is a big part of our expenses.

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

E.J.

answers from
Lincoln
on
October 13, 2011

In a perfect world it would be great to have someone pay for it, but in the real world I don't know. I am in college now and it was always established that if I wanted to go I would have to pay for it. I will pay every dime of my debt. I wish I had a college fund for my son, but he's already 6 and I'm still working on paying for my own and establishing a life for us. So... when he grows up he will probably have to make his own way unfortunately. I hope to do like another poster said and buy his books occasionally etc. (Things my parents weren't able to do for me.) But... I will be a teacher which is a poorly paid profession, so who knows?

I do have to say that paying for it myself has made me take those classes seriously. I know exactly how much it's costing for me to sit in that chair. I do see some University students who don't understand that as it's paid and don't apply themselves. (Not all, but SOME!)

So... my answer was sort of vague, and I don't know which was I believe, but I do know the truth of the matter is that I will want my son to go to college, but he will probably have loans, grants, and scholarships.

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

M.P.

answers from
Spartanburg
on
October 13, 2011

No, it's not our responsibility. I plan on doing as much as I can- already started the college funds and contribute monthly. But I'm doing it because I want to, not because I think I should.

BTW, from a legal standpoint, kids can sue their parents and make them pay for their college education. I think that's awful.

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

R.M.

answers from
San Francisco
on
October 13, 2011

l'm with you J.!

If someone wants to pay for their kids' college, that's great. However, for most people, loans are going to be taken out. LARGE loans. If I have, say, 15 years left before I'm supposed to "retire," and there's a good chance that most people of my generation and the generation behind me will NOT have enough money to retire -- statistically speaking, most of us have very little money saved for retirement -- then why are we OLD, worn out people supposed to take on the debt of the younger generation, who have much longer to pay it off than we do?

Also, there are ways for young people to pay for their own education. They can do work/study, they can apply for scholarships. If they are just gifted their education, they won't usually do those things.

Note: I have no objection to anyone choosing to pay for their child's education. I'm just giving my perspective to help anyone who's starting to think that maybe they don't want to give up every cent they have for their kids; that maybe after all these years of sacrifice, with old age encroaching, they deserve something for themselves as well.

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

S.B.

answers from
Houston
on
October 14, 2011

I am very late to the party but wanted to chime in. We are paying for our daughter's college education. It is our gift to her as she starts her life. We will pay for one degree anything else is on them. In January, we will do the same for our son. Again, our gift to him. So in January we will have TWO in college. Yikes!

It is so hard to do this but my parents did it for my brother and I and my in-laws did it for my husband. Debt is hard enough and kids coming out of college can amass tremendous debt. I see you are in Katy, I don't know what college your son is going to go to but our daughter goes to Sam Houston. Its not as expensive as Tech, UT or A&M but she has friends graduating with $40,000 plus in debt. She pays her living expenses and entertainment. She has a job and works every weekend. He does graduate in Aug, 2012!!!

Our son has opted to go out of state. He is in the National Guard so the military will pay for a large portion of his education. But again, we will pick up the rest. I think it is just a personal preference and what you can afford.

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

C.O.

answers from
Washington DC
on
October 13, 2011

My parents paid for mine - what wasn't covered in scholarships because my parents didn't want me starting out my life in debt.

My daughter? it was 50/50...when she quit her junior year we didn't do more...she had to earn it herself.

My boys? I'm not sure. We have college fund set up but not a lot being contributed at this point. I would hope that my boys will do well enough in sports or in grades to get a scholarship so that the college fund we have set up can help them with a home purchase or something else...yeah - I could be day dreaming....

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

C.W.

answers from
Santa Barbara
on
October 13, 2011

This came up a couple of months back and I was absolutely in the minority that we take responsibility for our only daughter's education (plus braces, medical care, sports, travel, cell phone, a car...all of it). I graduated high school and paid for both of my degrees as I went along, I could do that working two jobs and having minimal fun back in the 80's. Things are different these days and I am going to give my only daughter a leg up. She worked her butt off in high school and has some scholarships and grants and started college this fall. It was no surprise and was absolutely expected that she go to college, we all planned for it. It is not an accident that we can afford it, we work very hard for our lives. She kept her part time job and pays for some of her expenses but my daughter will not be burdened with student loans forever. A child can be helped by her parents and appreciate all of it! Mine does. I PLANNED for her to live well.

This is really something that should have been discussed a long time ago as a family. Care packages of top ramen and peanut butter are not going to change the situation that you haven't planned and are raising a new bunch of kids.

2 moms found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

☆.A.

answers from
Pittsburgh
on
October 13, 2011

OK--coming into this late.
As someone who paid my own way through college with a job, financial aid and scholarships, I just cannot see a parent being "obligated" to pay for college. Ever.

IF parents are in the position to do so and CHOOSE to do so--great.
But it shouldn't be expected.

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

A.V.

answers from
Washington DC
on
October 13, 2011

1. Ultimate responsibility for one's education lies with the one being educated.

2. We provide/d what we could afford. DH could not afford a college fund when SS was little so DH had to play catch up. We started saving for DD when she was born.

3. We have told SS and SD that we have X. The rest is up to them - via scholarships, work, grants, their mom, loans.

SS took a scholarship and has used his money from his dad mostly for housing and food.

Yeah, debt isn't fun, but had I not taken loans I would not have gotten my degree and my mom certainly wasn't in any position to pay for it. There are worse things in life...like retiring with no money or losing the house b/c you can't handle the 2nd mortgage because you invested in your grown children before you took care of yourself.

I would be bothered if my child came to me with that mindset. What I would ask is why is it my bill when it's his brain?

A lot of kids feel that way, though and I wonder what planet they were raised on. This applies to my own SS. We certainly didn't raise him that way but you should've seen the shock on his face when we said if he lived here for any duration after grad he'd be paying rent. He'll be 22 and darned able to get a job and contribute. Though, I hate to say it, both here and there maybe it's the mindset of the other parental unit that is causing the conflict.

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

B.B.

answers from
Missoula
on
October 13, 2011

I think it is a nice gesture for parents to help with the costs, but I don't think they are obligated to cover college expenses. We are saving to help our two boys (ages 4 and 6 months) pay for college, but realistically we won't be able to cover the entire cost, and I think that even if we had money coming out our ears we would not pay the whole cost. I think that its important for the student to be responsible for at least some of the money.

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

L..

answers from
Roanoke
on
October 14, 2011

Hi J., I'm chiming in late. :) I agree with you. Here's my story: My parents went through a messy divorce when I was 15. My dad took my brothers, my mom took me, and we were all uprooted and moved halfway across the country away from each other (I ended up in Virginia). Anyway, since my mom was starting from scratch, she told me a couple of years later, in my senior year of high school, "I really hope you go to college, I want what's best for you, but there is no way I will be able to help, and you have to figure it out on your own." So I did. I did everything myself. THEN I put myself through graduate school. My husband also paid for most of his college, and we are both paying on our loans now. By doing it myself, it means more to me. I feel like I studied harder because it's MY money to pay back. And it was a great lesson to learn how to do paperwork, fill out financial aid, find scholarships, etc. I am the first person in my whole family to have a college degree. My husband and I agree that we will try to be there for our kids to help with paperwork and lead them in the right direction, but they will pay for the path they choose. It's a good life lesson, and we don't want to hand it to them on a silver platter.

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

M.W.

answers from
San Francisco
on
October 13, 2011

I say No.

We stress the importance of college/education. We talk about it almost daily....but they know we are not paying for their educations. My husband and I both graduated from Universities. We worked our arses off to pay for it and took out student loans and paid them off quickly. We are the first university graduates in our families.

We will send plenty of hearty care packages... help with books here and there but it will be a surprise gift...not expected.

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

A.D.

answers from
Washington DC
on
October 13, 2011

i haven't read all of the other responses, so I am sorry if I am repeating myself. But those I know who have had their college expenses 100% paid for have piddle-farted their way through school and never succeeded in getting out of there in a timely fashion.
My husband and I have decided that we will pay for our kids' room and board but they will pay for their own tuition (if we don't have Free Education by then...). We feel that people who pay for their own education tend to place more value and importance on it, and take more responsibility for it. And it is completely do-able nowadays to work every summer through high school and college to save enough to pay the tuition for a public university and come out of school debt-free. My husband and I are now paying $300+ a month for student loans (he has a bachelors and I have an associates and it sucks to be a slave to this loan debt every month). You are not responsible for paying his way through school, but you are responsible for breeding a sense of responsibility and obligation in him when it comes to securing his own future. You should check out the book "The Narcissism Epidemic". There is a great sense of entitlement that is plaguing this generation (i'm only 24 and graduated high school is 2005, I was pretty much told that your parents are expected to pay 90% of your college funding no matter what) and it is completely backwards. Pay your way through school. It IS possible but I never believed that and ended up dropping out after 3 years.

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

✤.J.

answers from
Dover
on
October 14, 2011

I agree with you. Not everyone is able to save enough money to pay for college for their kids whether they plan in advance or not, period. Even if you CAN, I don't necessarily think that you should. Help out? Absolutely. Pay all the way, not the best idea in my opinion. There is absolutely no difference whatsoever between a bachelor's degree that was begun with 2 years at a community college & finished at a university as opposed to one that cost twice as much & all 4 years were spent at the university.

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

G.B.

answers from
Oklahoma City
on
October 14, 2011

In a perfect world I would gladly pay for college for the kids. In the real world they are going to have to apply for scholarships, get awards for sports or some other skill, etc...I have no money to contribute. There is always financial aid.

I have some friends who are very very very focused on paying cash for everything as much as possible. The pay cash for every vehicle at this point, they paid down everything they could each time they moved and bought a house, the last time it was way way over half down. They paid for each of their 7 children's college educations but their kids had the responsibility of working summers to save money for it. They were living in Oklahoma and each of their 7 kids were at BYU or on missions. They lived on campus, paid out of state tuition, had food plans, the whole (how expensive can you make it kind of bills) college experience. Each child had some money put back, their grades and activities were enough to help big time too.

So, all in all, I think kids have some responsibility but not the majority. They should have help to gain their education but when it comes right down to it, if they can't apply for FA and get some assistance mom and dad are going to have to help some, but not handed to them.

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

L.B.

answers from
Biloxi
on
October 13, 2011

Hi J.,
I have a 15 year old son in 10th grade. We have been having the college tuition talk for several years. I simply don't make enough to pay for it. So we talk scholarships, both band and academic, test scores, loans, AmeriCorps programs, etc, as ways to fund college. He knows that I will help him as I can, if he decides to start locally at Community College he will be able to live at home, and I will foot the household bills.

I paid for my college - my father helped where he could, and I attended locally so I had the option of living at home. I also lived with my Grandmother for awhile while in college. But, I expected no-one to pay for it for me.

Your son is be told by his mother that it is your responsibility to pay for college. You need to sit down with him, and only him, and talk about his expectations, your expectations, and reality. Ask him to poll his friends - how many of them are being 100% funded by their parents? Get real costs outlined from the school and look at where you can realistically help and let him know up front. Sometimes, I know, my son gets overwhelmed when we talk about paying for college, and he gets a little angry that I cannot pay for it all, and that his father has never offered to help with tuition.

We are not obligated to pay for college. But, I sure wish I could.

:)

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

H.M.

answers from
Dallas
on
October 13, 2011

No it is not. If the parents have a lot of money and can afford it sure they should pay for it. But there are some many familys now adays that can barly make ends meet without putting money back. I tell my oldest keep those straight A's and playing your sax and you will get scholarships. With my youngetest I tell him keep flipping and when you are in high school you will be a cheer leader and get scholarships. Most schools don't have male cheerleaders till high school. Of corse right now he's would rather go to the olympics for tumbing than cheer. I work at a University and see what different familys go through to pay for school. Some sturggle and some don't.

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

H.J.

answers from
Minneapolis
on
October 13, 2011

Oh no...this household will not be Paying for any childs college...We like you will help when needed to an extent. I am paying as I go my husband payed it way...It is a whole lot easier for a young child to apply and pay for college then it is for older ones to save for retirement. You can't take a loan at low interest out for retirement but you can for school.

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

S.K.

answers from
Denver
on
October 13, 2011

My plan is to start a college (future) fund for them. If they complete college with a degree i will give them the money and they can pay off the loans that they took out, or they can use it to purchase a house because with the economy and housing market I believe houses will require a greater down payment. Or if they chose to be lazy and not do anything with their lives that will just go towards my retirement. I am not obligated to pay for college, i help them reach 18 and to be responsible adults past that is up to them, if they play their cards right I will be more than happy to assist

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

✩.!.

answers from
Los Angeles
on
October 13, 2011

Completely agree with your J. -

I just went back to work after 2 years of being a SAHM to be able to allow my children to have a jump start on their college education fund (and mom and dad's piggy banks as well) - but this doesn't mean that my entire paycheck is dedicated to their college funds.

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

K.C.

answers from
Dallas
on
October 13, 2011

i never expected my dad to pay for my college. he helped me more than i think he should have.... and he's great for that...but i never thought for once he should. i say NO we are not obligated to pay for it. my son better not say that to me...

1 mom found this helpful

Report This

Comments(optional)

A.B.

answers from
Naples
on
October 14, 2011

I feel like it is our responsibility to pay for their tuition and books. Of course they had better also be busting their behinds try to get merit scholarships throughout high school and college.
Living expenses, rent or dorm.....we'll do what we can. We actually own an investment condo and live in a university town so we'll be encouraging our kids to stay in town, go to the local university and live in the condo, probably let them live there rent free or for a small amount of rent.
Spending money? That's on them. They should work part time during school. I say that from experience. My parents FULLY supported me up to and including fun money during my junior year and you know what? Honestly, it made me lazy and unmotivated. I spent that extra time from not having to work just "hanging out," not joining clubs or doing volunteer work or extra studying. Not every kid will be like that, but I saw it with some of my friends and roommates as well.

Report This

Comments(optional)

C.A.

answers from
Albany
on
October 21, 2011

I feel very strongly that parents are not obligated to pay for their children's college. That being said, if you're in a position to help, I think you should. It sounds like the three of you need to figure out how much he needs after scholarships and how that amount is going to be paid. Be clear about how much everyone is commiting to pay and explain to him that the rest will be paid for in student loans that he will need to take out. I think most kids have no real concept of just how much college is going to cost and how it is getting paid for. I know I didn't. But here I am, 13 years since graduating, and my undergrad loans will be paid off in December finally! If you're worried about his sense of entitlement, then really walk him through the process and make sure he understands the financial side of college. I think that might help him appreciate the assistance you and his mother do offer and might also help him to be a more serious student.
On a side note- obviously you're not with his mother anymore, but are the two of you divorced? If so, is there anything in your divorce settlement about paying for his education? When I got divorced, my ex and I detailed how we were going to pay for our daughter's college. Not that we are paying for it, but just how we are going to handle it when the time comes.

Report This

Comments(optional)

K.B.

answers from
Tulsa
on
October 13, 2011

I would NOT go into debt for anyone's college. I would tell people to not take loans. I earned scholarships which I would lose if I took a year off. If I had taken a year off, worked, and become indepenedent I would have gotten much more true aid and not 40000 in loans. I should have listened but i was afraid to do that and I had earned my scholarships.
I will possibly have my daughter live at home to keep her safe. she is very youngish and naive. Also, we have begun saving for her.

Report This

Comments(optional)

B.G.

answers from
Los Angeles
on
October 13, 2011

I think whoever is attending college should be in charge of paying for it. There are loans, scholarships, etc. Mom and dad should not feet obligated at all!

Report This

Comments(optional)

M.B.

answers from
Orlando
on
October 14, 2011

I think who is attending should! I had to work a full time in as well as go to classes full time. But it made me work harder then the kids whos mommies and daddies were paying their way. I dont think by paying for kids college teaches them anything but how to be lazy and that their parents will pay for everything.And yes my parents did offer to help but i turned them down because I wanted to be accountable for myself.

Report This

Comments(optional)

A.J.

answers from
Williamsport
on
November 27, 2011

Sorry I missed this sooner...Stick to your guns! He'll thank you later. Many things my parents did looked "mean" when I was 17, but conquering tough things myself-like going to school, dropping out because I was too broke to keep going, paying off loans, and working hard at JOBS, paid off big time in the end and now I respect my parents for not "handing me" everything. Paying for an education is not a guarantee for his bright future. Sounds like his entitlement issues need addressing too through some sweat equity and sacrifice. Anyway, I agree with you. Kids aren't "owed" a free college education. Even in socialized countries where it is free to all, there are stipulations attached. People value what they work for.

Report This

Comments(optional)

M.L.

answers from
Philadelphia
on
October 21, 2011

My kids know -- they can either get a scholarship (which they have) or go to state school (which they have). A college education is worth a lot, but getting it themselves (through scholarship or loans) is worth more IMO -- as I did 20 years ago for free --- and is better for them. Then, they will earn it!

Report This

Comments(optional)

D.M.

answers from
Denver
on
October 13, 2011

I agree with you. It is NOT your obligation. Why does he think it is? Just curious what expectations were set. Don't feel guilty. Do what you can, and then he can be responsible for his education too. Best of luck!

Report This

Comments(optional)

A.S.

answers from
Boca Raton
on
October 13, 2011

I think you should do whatever you and his mom would have done if you were still married today (or together).

I do not believe any parent is obligated to support adult children, even when they are in college - though it certainly is a wonderful thing to do if possible. I want to do as much for my sons as I can. But I'm not financing 4+ years of partying (and my kids already know that).

Good luck.

Report This

Comments(optional)

J.S.

answers from
Tampa
on
October 14, 2011

I am a little confused by this question. Why would you NEED to pay for your son's college expenses? From the little bit you wrote, it sounds like he should be eligible for some merit based scholarships, and depending onn your income or his mothers, even possibly some need based ones. Also, different schools give out grants and scholarships to incoming students each year, sometimes they are only 600 per semester, but it helps and all does add up. Also, your son WILL be eligible for student loans through the fed. GVT. on his own, regardless of credit and work history, just because he is a college student. If his mother or you, (either one of you actually) are not eligible to get the parent plus loans, then he will be approved for up to his FULL amount of tuition per year to attend. This does NOT mean he will need to borrow the full amunt though, because he as I said should have other ways top pay part of the costs. (grants, scholarships, etc) Ih he is a junior or senior in high school and wanted to attend college, he should have been applying for TONS of scholarships throughout the past year to 2 years. There are SO many ways to find money for school, and no reason not to go! One of our daughters just started in August, and her scholarships, grants, and loans covered all of her tuition, costs of her dorm, and even books, (the school has a program where they basically give you credit at the book store to buy or rent books and supplies based on your expected aid package), and even had enough aid leftover that the school direct deposited money into HER checking account when everything was paid for the semester. We DID pay her fees for her SAT and ACT tests prior to college, her app. fee for all of the colleges that she applied to, paid for her to go on a weekend visit the 3 top picks that she was accepted to and to audition for their BFA programs, (not only did she have to be accepted into the college, she also had to audition and be picked for the program she is majoring in), paid the deposit to accept her admission to the school of her choice once she did pick, and then paid her deposit for her dorm so they would hold it for her until her aid came in and she could move into it to start school. Our daughter got a couple thousand dollars for graduation in cards from several friends and relatives, which she saved to have for spending money while she was at school. Her 1st semester is 16 weeks, and because of her major, she does not have time to work at a job, even part time. She doesn't need to. Between the money that she got for graduation, the extra money from her financial aid, and money she saved from her after school/ summer job before she left for college, she has over 200 dollars a week. (plenty) We have said if she needs additional money, we would deposit money into her account on a weekly basis, just because she did not get a meal plan, nor did she want one. She chose to grocery shop and has a mini fridge and microwave in her dorm. She is doing quite well, and so far we have not deposited money for her. We have given her some food when she was visiting to take back with her, as well as gift cards for pizza, and other resteraunts, etc. We did buy all of her dorm needs for her as her grad. gift prior to going to school, and that was around 400.00. We also pay for her car insurance while she is at school as well as her cell phone so we can keep in touch with her, but we already paid for the phone anyway. She will pay for her own auto. insurance during the summer when she works part time. Honestly, I feel that we got off VERY inexpensively considering that our daughter is enrolled full time at a state college, and is getting to follow HER dreams! We may even pay off one of her student loans each year so she has less to pay back when she graduates. (at tax time) We will if we can and only if we can. She doesn't expect us to do it though, so it is up to us and she will appreciate it VERY much! There is nothing wrong with helping your child as much as you can. I just wouldn't want to put in more effort than the kid does. I would have to wonder if they would bother taking it seriously or would bother to finish if it wasnt important enough for them to plan for in the first place. That's just me though. That being said.......... if something happened and my daughter called to tell us that she lost her aid and had to come up with the money to pay on her own or leave, I would probably sell my soul to keep her there. Just because I know how truly commited to her education she is, as well as how important this dream is to her. She DID do most of the "work" to get to college though, not just in school, but the finding aid and loans, etc. As well as all of her applying, etc. Not me! It makes a difference!

Report This

Comments(optional)

J.B.

answers from
Houston
on
October 14, 2011

I want to pay for my kids college and plan to, but not bc it's an obligation and I never expected that from my mom. She did pay for a lot of it, but I worked, payed my own expenses and as much tuition as I could. I think it is crazy that he is telling you that you owe him college. I do think your position of wanting to help is great, but he should not be telling you that you owe him anything, not cool in my opinion.

Report This

Comments(optional)

T.K.

answers from
New York
on
October 20, 2011

J.,
My reaction is that this is not about absolutes and who should pay. Its a discussion about your's and your son's financial health for the next ten years, or longer.

Three things here. Your son needs to go to college, he needs to be in a good situation financially when he's out of college, and you need to have a good relationship with your son.

My parents paid for college and my life is much better for it. However, I had a sense of entitlement about it, and I don't think that was good, for me or for them. I've said to my dad recently that I didn't realize how much he and mom struggled to get my brother and I through college. He said he didn't want to burden us with worry, because he had raised us with the idea of "get in to the best school you can, and we'll figure out how to pay for it." I told him recently that if I had known it was a struggle, I would have appreciated it more. What I didn't tell him is that I also might have gotten better grades.

Yes, you and your wife paid for your own education. I don't know all the details, but probably that was at a different time, when tuition was much cheaper and it was possible to get more loans and work your way through school. If your son has the opportunity to go to college, but paying for it is a much bigger challenge, then the 3 of you need to think about how you want to face that challenge.

Student loans are crippling to people's financial health when they are out of college. The kind of career and job you want to have are all determined by how much student loan debt you have and whether its government or private. I see lawyers who would love to do non-profit work and spend some time with their kids, but instead they are forced to take document review contract jobs where they work around the clock on boring stuff, because its the only way to make money that makes a dent in their student loans. The interest is outrageous, and thankfully, there has been some recent government reform in this area, but there needs to be more.

My 2 cents is that you shouldn't frame this as who is entitled to what. This is not an adversary situation; this is a partnership. First step is to look at your own financial situation now and for the coming 10 years. Perhaps then talk to your son's mother about the same. The have a frank talk with your son about how you want him to go to the college of his choice and find a great career that makes him happy, and figure out how much he can do on scholarships, how much on loans, and how much you can help with direct payment.

The big picture is after college. He'll probably have some loans, and a low paying job after college as he tries to establish a career. That is the point when he may need your help paying back loans or with a security deposit on an apartment. For me, this was one of the most stressful periods of my life. People think you are supposed to be totally independent but you are 22 and not sure how to get from where you are to where you want to be.

This isn't about 4 years, it's about the next 10 at least, and those are the years that you want to have a good relationship with your kid as he transitions into adulthood. I think setting up common understandings now is probably a good idea.

Updated

J.,
My reaction is that this is not about absolutes and who should pay. Its a discussion about your's and your son's financial health for the next ten years, or longer.

Three things here. Your son needs to go to college, he needs to be in a good situation financially when he's out of college, and you need to have a good relationship with your son.

My parents paid for college and my life is much better for it. However, I had a sense of entitlement about it, and I don't think that was good, for me or for them. I've said to my dad recently that I didn't realize how much he and mom struggled to get my brother and I through college. He said he didn't want to burden us with worry, because he had raised us with the idea of "get in to the best school you can, and we'll figure out how to pay for it." I told him recently that if I had known it was a struggle, I would have appreciated it more. What I didn't tell him is that I also might have gotten better grades.

Yes, you and your wife paid for your own education. I don't know all the details, but probably that was at a different time, when tuition was much cheaper and it was possible to get more loans and work your way through school. If your son has the opportunity to go to college, but paying for it is a much bigger challenge, then the 3 of you need to think about how you want to face that challenge.

Student loans are crippling to people's financial health when they are out of college. The kind of career and job you want to have are all determined by how much student loan debt you have and whether its government or private. I see lawyers who would love to do non-profit work and spend some time with their kids, but instead they are forced to take document review contract jobs where they work around the clock on boring stuff, because its the only way to make money that makes a dent in their student loans. The interest is outrageous, and thankfully, there has been some recent government reform in this area, but there needs to be more.

My 2 cents is that you shouldn't frame this as who is entitled to what. This is not an adversary situation; this is a partnership. First step is to look at your own financial situation now and for the coming 10 years. Perhaps then talk to your son's mother about the same. The have a frank talk with your son about how you want him to go to the college of his choice and find a great career that makes him happy, and figure out how much he can do on scholarships, how much on loans, and how much you can help with direct payment.

The big picture is after college. He'll probably have some loans, and a low paying job after college as he tries to establish a career. That is the point when he may need your help paying back loans or with a security deposit on an apartment. For me, this was one of the most stressful periods of my life. People think you are supposed to be totally independent but you are 22 and not sure how to get from where you are to where you want to be.

This isn't about 4 years, it's about the next 10 at least, and those are the years that you want to have a good relationship with your kid as he transitions into adulthood. I think setting up common understandings now is probably a good idea.

Report This

Comments(optional)

S.S.

answers from
Chicago
on
October 21, 2011

When I went to school there was more available funding. There is simply not the same financial resources. I do not think you should pay back loans but if you can contribute anything, even pencils, then why not? Oh and I am helping my son pay for college, paid for my own with financial assistance and state grants and my other son was in the service and got his degree. I agree with you about the age of entitlement and it isn't fair. I think too many wonderful parents have unwittingly assisted in this (myself included) knowing what hardships we had and were trying to give our children easier lives. It has backfired. There are more kids moving back home, because well, while we blame the economy we also have provided things they cannot afford while they were getting their degrees and now paying back at times.such as computers, cars, videos game machines, etc. etc. I am not so sure what they would do had they lived like I did for a long time. I had to read books and talk to people on Friday nights.

Report This

Comments(optional)

J.C.

answers from
Rockford
on
October 13, 2011

I am on your side. Sure, in a perfect world it would be great to tell our kids to just get into the college they want and we'll pay for it, but that does not happen for most everyone in this day and age. Financial advisors are telling parents NOT to get into debt for their children nowadays. I believe it should be somewhat of a family affair though. The bulk of the burden should be on the child, since once they turn of age it is their decisions on which college, what major, what job, etc. It is their plan and life. I feel parents should help with what they can as long as it does not lead to another lifetime of debt. I think your idea of helping with books, care packages, and the like is generous and appropriate. If you can't comfortably commit to more, then don't. If you ex wife wants to pay $xxxx, then more power to her, but it certainly is NOT an obligation by any means. You still love and support your son, you just don't have unlimited income to pour into his adult life and dreams. He has to face what most kids his age face now, in that he has to finance what he wants. He will have to plan carefully, of course, but it will mean all the more to him since it will be his accomplishment and not an entitlement. Personally, I don't know anyone whose kids think it is the parents' responsibility to pay for ALL their college. That sounds like a rich spoiled kid mentality. I am not putting down your son or blaming him at all. I'm certain your ex put that into his head. It sounds to me like a way for her to indirectly take a stab at you and try to make your son aligned with her more (jealousy, spite?). Just my take, so don't take offense if that doesn't apply - I obviously don't know her.