Named the "Best Blog" by Parent & Child Magazine, this popular mom blog chronicles the wonderful mundaneness of a Philadelphia stay-at-home mom's life with four small children including twins in episodic form. Recurrent topics include adoption, multiples, Fifth Disease, Crohn's Disease and pregnancy, and academia.

March 22, 2010

Vacation Awesomeness

Apologies for my abrupt departure last week. My husband has been doing a lot of work in the South as of late. Last Monday afternoon, he called me from Atlanta.

"Hey," he joked, "Why don't you drive down here with the kids and spend a week?"

Forty-five minutes later, I was on the road. I made it as far as Baltimore before the consequences of my impulsive decision-making fully sank in. After pulling off at the next rest stop, I did the following things in the following order:

1. Confiscated what was left (there wasn't much) of the package of Styrofoam cups that I had inadvertently left in the back seat of my car.

2. Made the compulsive seat kicker switch seats so he was no longer sitting in directly in back of me and was instead, sitting behind his twin brother.

3. Told the compulsive urinator that he would be deprived of any further beverages until we reached Richmond.

4. Temporarily relinquished my I-Pod to my daughter on the condition that she not criticize any occupant of the car for at least one hour.

"Get to the airport quick!" I told him. "I'm picking you up in Raleigh in four hours."

My unplanned vacation was filled with magical moments, most of which took place between the hours of 7-9pm in my husband's 400 square-foot studio apartment.

"Be quiet and go to sleep!" I screeched at least a million times to my squirming, giggling offspring. "There are people all around us!" I pointed to the ceiling, floor, and walls.

I learned the hard way that apartment living is an abstract construct to children who grow up in houses.

The most memorable experience of the week by far, however, occurred not in a high-rise apartment building, but in a high-end eatery known as Burger King. I was there eating lunch with my kids one day when I noticed a woman at a nearby table wrinkle her nose at us and turn away in disgust.

I assumed the woman's reaction to my family had something to do either with the 52 paper cups of ketchup that sat on the table before us or the fact that my eighteen-month-old was systematically dipping his french fries into each of them, or maybe both. I too, am sometimes repulsed by my kids' love of condiments.

After a few minutes of glaring and sneering, the woman couldn't take it anymore and approached our table.

"Excuse me," she said to me. "Did you spill something?"

I looked around, suspiciously. Miraculously, all of my kids' cups were in their upright positions.

"I don't think so," I replied.

"Did your baby spill something?" the woman clarified. By this point, her hands were on her hips.

I glanced under Cameron's high chair and saw the puddle on the floor. Then I felt his diaper.

Faced with such overwhelming physical evidence, I was only left with one option: to lie through my teeth.

39 comments

Too funny...I laughed out loud at your "There are people all around us" comment. I live in a fourplex, and we have two rowdy boys, and two very loud parents, who are constantly saying the SAME thing..."SHHHHH! There's people all around us!!!"

ha-I can relate to the house dwelling kids not understanding apartment life. Last year my barely 5 year old niece came to stay the night with me in my apartment. I told her not to jump on the floor because there was a man under us who would be bothered. Well when we made her a big fort to sleep in on the floor, she refused and cried because she didn't was scared of "the man under the floor"!

I'm so glad you are back. Great come back with the lady. I understand my kids in the hotel. I think the more you tell them to be quiet the louder the get. I'm sorry your vaction wasn't as fun as you wanted. But at least you tried. And they will remember it as fun. Thank you for always making me laugh. chrisit

It's really too bad that you ruined this lady's special meal out at such a fancy restaurant. I'm sure that the 18 month-olds she's used to have much better table manners and bathroom habits. Granted, if my kids had seen me with a mop at Burger King, WWIII would have erupted. "How cool is that?" they would have said. "Mama, it's not fair that I don't get to do that!"Glad you're back safe and sound!

I soo feel your pain!! -I have 4children and the middle two are Irish twins -although they are 7 and 8 now- they were once infants and toddlers with a older sibling less than 5years adhead of them--but listen, why do some people feel the right to approach you and inform you of their distain /disgust with you and your offspring-who the heck are they?? I applaude you in your moment of "cover up" with your children--next time just tell the lady to get a lIfe or a hobby !! heehee

I think you have single handedly talked me out of my semi-planned trip from WI to UT this summer. I was planning on driving alone with my 4,2, and 6mo old kids...uhmmmm rethinking. (My husband thanks you.)

We live in Brooklyn - not in a Cosby brownstone kind of way but in the VERY SMALL APARTMENT kind of way. Toys are divided into "after 10 AM and before 8 pm" piles. It's rough - but luckily our neighbors also have loud annoying habits that we can call them on.

Welcome back! I missed you! Glad to hear that you got a little vacation, though I know the pain of sharing walls. My 3yo "LOVES THE 'OTEL MOMMY!" the few times we've taken him. I think the surrounding neighbors changed rooms, we had 1/2 the floor to ourselves after a while. OOPS! And, you should be given a medal – kudos to you for your sacrifice in taking the table with the Mountain Dew spill under it so that someone who was there for a fancy afternoon out didn't have to sit there! ::wink wink:: that’s what happened – right? :)

HA! i would have said the exact same thing! last time something like that happened to me though I couldn't get out of it. we were wheeling our massive cart through costco and dripping a sticky and very purple trail of their berry smoothie that had been knocked over and a lady had been chasing us down with a thing or paper towels and a spray bottle. I could have died when she caught up to us cause I still didn't realize the mess until she pointed it out. *sigh... good times.

I never worry about the other people in the hotel. I just figure we'll be THEIR vacation horror story! :)

We had tried (unsuccessfully) to potty train our then-three-year old before a trip to Disney World. He wore pull-ups for most of the trip (normally, a waste of money, IMO). We were having lunch at the Harbor House in the Magic Kingdom when I heard him say, "Mommy? I think I heard poopie hit the floor." *grunting* *suspicious sounds* "Yep! Definitely poopie hitting the floor!" I'm pretty sure there's a photo of our family with a big red "X" over it in front of this establishment...

And yes, I'm the same mother whose son (same one, two years later) puked on the cheerleaders during the wait for Fantastmic at Disney MGM. {SIGH}

Loved the stories but all I could think of by the end of the post was "That BITCH!" (Not you, the potty-spotter). Like you WANT to leave pee in a restaurant?! I remember you posting once about how kind strangers have been over the years. Sometimes its hard to remember those when you encounter such jerks.