This might not make sense, but I'm just going to start writing. I live in a small town, and I don't have any real friends.

Here is the drama: My XH is a psychopathic 'pillar of the community'. A self-styled Christian teacher who is really just a morally bankrupt narcissist. He is kind of a con-artist; I watched him rip people off when we were married. He is DEEPLY screwed up, and is still waging war on me, years after the divorce. Back when we had just split up, it was really ugly and scary. He borrowed a handgun, was stalking me, having other people stalk me. He verbally attacked me at our son's school and made a huge scene, leaving me weeping and terrified. Basically anything you can think of or heard of about an abusive relationship, I have lived through. I went to the police about the gun, and they wouldn't do anything because XH is 'such a respectable man'! The POLICE gave me dirty looks. I lived in mortal fear for months until I had a friend disarm him.

It's been a few years and I have to get on with my life. I am the outcast in this community because it's a small town and a lot of people are friends with my XH. He tells everyone I just made all this stuff up and I'm manipulative. People believe him. I try to make friends, but when they find out a little about what happened, they dump me, and stay friends with XH. I just had someone basically tell me she would be friends with me as long as I never talk about what happened. I can't do that. I need to talk. People are so weak. The most dangerous people are those who bury their head in the sand.

We have equal custody of the kids. I would love to move to the city, but I think it would be hard to convince a judge to grant me more custody so the kids could go to school by me. I could never just leave them here, obviously. XH just filed papers to try to get more custody for himself, just to punish me. The judge is refusing to even hear his case.

And just for the record, I am awesome, and do not in any way deserve the crap that's been doled out to me. I have never once used illegal drugs, have no criminal record. I am a straight A college student, financially independent (I work for my own money), and have a secure loving AP relationship with my kids.

But I am so changed. I have PTSD from being in fear for my life for so long. My trust is shattered. But I've also become very cocky, arrogant and mouthy. I have to always be the alpha. It's extreme. All my emotions are intense. I built a very deep friendship with a war veteran and it was wonderful, but he is mad at me and won't talk to me anymore because he thinks I should be on meds and I refuse. I like the new me. I am awesome!