And thus begins the heavyweight 80’s sass-pop epic that has still arguably not been matched in the whole of 2016. And on the fourth day (of January) God created Someone Like U:

There’s not a section in this behemoth of a brave sound retro-throwback that doesn’t knock. Not a beat that doesn’t have the masses (outside of Korea) shook. After all the drama, disappointments and disbandings this year has dealt us, it is easy to forget about a mid-winter January long ago where a gleaming ray of sunshine in musical form created by Dal*Sha was unleashed upon the world.

What makes this song so special? Well let me attempt to break even a small slither of it down for you. Musically it’s not JOH-KUH for a start. That’s immediately a whole load of goodwill in its favour. But seriously, there are so many little flairs of genius that it’s hard to not feel engulfed in awe all over again the very next time you listen to it. From the coy Mortal Kombat opening call being one of the best Brave Bros. shoutouts you’re thrown straight into a tornado of cowbells a-ring, coo-ing backing vocals along the traditional sing-a-long pop melody accented by the occasional, phenomenal “OW!” which is straight out the tomes of Benetar, Madonna & Lauper. The chorus is a wave of synths over your soul, an infectious moreish candy of the most fluoro neon colours money can buy.

And then out come the crescendo-ng of sirens in the silence and in walks MC SERRI. Whoda funk that the usually prim & pristine modelesque Serri could unleash such an ridicu-fierce rap tyrade dressed in a pimp coat upon some poor douchebag? Punching in & out with a “BRRRRAAAA!”, the real fatality is “I DON FRICKIN NEED YOU ni geojinmare soreumi NAAAA!!!”.

I mean if you weren’t bowled over & converted by that point then there’s no hope for your cold black heart. I haven’t even mentioned the last 1/3 handclap, stadium anthem spectacular, with the girls brandishing colour co-ordinated ASSAULT RIFLES wearing ball gowns in the video. The ad-libs in the final chorus? The “nareul tteona eolmana” shuffle dance alternate chorus-finale? The “doo doo doo do-doooooo”? All legendary. All golden. All fiyaaaah. Special points for all the past-videography nods in this MV, from the B.B.B. boxes (more room now there’s only 4 of them) and the reliance on guns to solve problems like Hit U before it.

But this is 2016

And we fight out battles with streamers not bullets.

World peace, world love and perfect harmony. Thank you Dal*Shabet for bringing us together as a sub-unit this year and I hope we see you again in the 2k16 rate (that hopefully will get commissioned by y’all if you didn’t completely hate this maiden rate voyage).

The best way to start comms is to take it back to the future. @roux fire it up and crush their dreams: “One of the first releases of the year and it remains one of the best. But sadly if this wasn't a hit for them, probably nothing ever will be. Such is the reality of the nugu rate.”@ryan_riot92 was certainly edging when this came out: “I remember biting my nails hoping this would be amazing and it didn’t disappoint! Sure the loss of two members was kind of a downer but it wasn’t a major downfall. I can tell this is just the beginning of the amazingness to come!”

For some, so much splendour is exhausting to the senses and poor @ajmkv was drained from doing all those chest-roll isolations: “If Fri. Sat. Sun had been in this, I would have given that a 10, but Someone Like U, even though I do enjoy it and it is rather good, has never truly grown on me so I'm not going to rate this as highly as I'm sure the rest of you will…” Likewise, @GeiPanda feels the fatigue that comes with being stuck in an eternal BAWP loop: “Great - I overplayed it a little bit though.” I used to play this on the sly via my work headset and wiggle along in my office swivel chair. For hours and hours.

Taking after our guerrilla prom-dates, @Slice of Life has been playing that Heats espionage again:
“This is another Dal Sha-bop that I purposely sabotaged during the Heats because I just know this will make the Final Round anyway. This is probably Dalegend’s most sumptuous offering yet. It’s retro, it’s sassy, and it’s catchy. My favourite Dalegend member may have left the K-pop industry already but if the remaining four hunties still bring this calibre of pop for their next releases, then by all means I’m ready to listen and stan."

Don’t look in back in anger I heard you say but how can you when the 80’s bringeth so much joy? @ThighHighs was a late bloomer to the Shabet of ’86: “I didn’t hear this when it first came out, so I had heard a lot about it before my first listen. It did not disappoint! There are so many layers to this song, and that’s what makes it such a thrilling listen. It’s along with High Heels as the best 80s throwbacks of the year.” And I honour @D is for Danger! is with the very last word on proceedings, partly because he’s brought us the wonders of Pterodactyl gurrl: “The song that finally got me to notice Ahyoung and jump onboard her hype train. Who knew all it took was for the group to lose two of my favourite members. Yes, that's me at 0:40 and 1:40.

Another winning 80s throwback that hits all the right notes, except on the charts. One of Brave Bros best efforts!”

It’s a second place standard hennies,
now go find someone silver like you…

Sometimes life imitates art and our rate has somehow managed, out of 135 songs, to deliver the fairytale ending almost all of us can agree on (except @vikeyeol who denied this song a 10+ avg). It’s also managed to ironically end on a Closer so justice for wordplay I guess. An anomaly in its nugu-bulging Heat and the sexy-bawp bursting finale, Closer is a song of whimsy rooted in the darkest depths of your fragile soul.

I remember liking Cupid, I remember preferring Kara’s Cupid and going along my merry way. Then at the arse-end of 2015 after being maxed out on summer comebacks, Lim Kim snatching everyone’s pussycats with Awoo and the General Korean public deciding to become squatters inside BIGBANG’s anus, I hit a new low. Lonely, living amongst strangers after being uprooted multiple times in months prior and struggling massively with my ever-present anxiety& depression, I took to wandering the local neighbourhood in the dead of the winter nights. Sometimes I’d feel empty, sometimes I’d shed a tear or two dwelling in my sadness but there was one night where an angelic, pure voice rung out, a piano twinkled amongst the sounds of rolling thunder and all the stars seemed to resurface from the smog-deep skies. She said:

han georeum closer nae mam
han ppyeom closerto you

From that moment on this song has a special place in my heart. It was like a bolt of light from out of a vacuum of hopelessness yet this isn’t a straight-up cutesy nugu-bop. The lyrical content is for girls well beyond the Oh My Girl members’ years, it is the song for the hopeful and the jaded, the nostalgic and those unable to quite reach the dreams they’ve lost. The backing vocals are innocent, the beats hit HARD, almost EDM kick-drums, and yet there’s the air of a sigh, a knowledge and a determination amongst resignation. It’s the human psyche whirling around with comet-like memories and ghosts in its thudding heart.

Yeah ok rip me apart for thinking too much into it but this was a comeback concept given the creativity, budget and brains it deserved. The outfits are clean, ethereal and without the usual alarm-raising hair dyes/claire’s accessories overload that many get bogged down in. The performance is measured to Shakespearean levels – poised, elegant and powerful. The choreo? Fuck me the choreo is heavenly – get your life to the true cosmic girls and their astrological OVERHEAD routine:

In the K-Pop world of amazing visuals, Closer has one of the most beautiful. The Final Fantasy X Zanarkand Ruins dance stage, the Pan’s Labyrinth stone & flame staircase, the deer in the starry lake, all the freeze-frames the mirrors & the ghosts…

It is baffling to think this was their SECOND SINGLE. To pull out a euphoric, celestial musing on the fabric of time set in the ghost of a Norse fairytale is basically unheard of even by known and noted TAWP gurls. Look back at a Girls’ Generation 2nd single, a T-ara 2nd single, a 4MINUTE or 2NE1 (r.i.p) 2nd single – I don’t think any of them even came close (no pun intended) to serving up such confident and fully-formed music this early in their careers. And that, more than my own personal reasons, is the evidence that this deserves its moment in the gold.

Because I’m running out of characters already, everyone gets their chance to speak aloud free of any mumblings from me. Take it away my lovelies:

@ryan_riot92 : “My favorite track of theirs. Dark yet calming. Amazing choreography. Vocals on point. Everything about this comeback was phenomenal. Definitely one of the best tracks in this heat.”

@ajmkv : “I'd give this a higher score if I had listened to it more, but my 9.5 is just from its objective merits, so that speaks volumes about the quality. It'll definitely grow on me, but I'm reserving my 10s for songs that define my K-Pop experience, so… sorry chicas.”

@roux: “Only their second best song. I should post this in the Unpopular K-pop Opinions thread.”

@D is for Danger! : “I initially OMG since they debuted with Cupid, which to me was another generic cutesy track. However, when they released Closer, I quickly changed my opinion on the group. The song is ethereal, dreamy, but still very dark. There's a certain sadness to it that comes through the vocal delivery and the instrumental. The MV is absolutely gorgeous. I love the shots of Binnie in the car, as well as the amazing constellation inspired choreography. YooA is stunning I don't regretting becoming an OMG stan after this song.”

@GeiPanda: “SO GOOD, JESUS. I never really understood the hype for OMG until this rate. Their songs really do have this extra production punch that is missing from girl groups these days. Really like the fact that they’ve taken risks with each song. “Closer” is definitely near the top for me. So melancholy yet hopeful in a way. Love.”

@ThighHighs: “A stunning song, video, and concept overall. So crazy to look at their second single compared to so many others. I could get all poetic about this song, but since I ain’t know y'all like that I'm just going to say this song is amazing and It made me fall in love with Oh My Girl and stan from the first time I saw the overhead choreo video.”

And the real closer from @Slice of Life :“*heavy breathing* Okay, are you ready to listen now to the New Testament 2.0? I heard that the Pope actually plays this every night before he goes to sleep as he silently prays for the poor, tasteless Korean public as they tragically slept on this bop. He then wipes his tears as he logs off his MelOn account after streaming this song 666 times a day. Then he goes to sleep and dreams of YooA, the patron saint of K-pop and apple hips. N N N N, okay I’ll stop the nonsense now. Actually, I wasn’t blow away by this after my first few listens. I was expecting the same sugary rush that Cupid supplied and Closer was rather emotional and bittersweet. But after a while, I realized my mistake and accepted this as the One True OMG Bop (As of Now). Those synthy undercurrents, Seunghee’s sweet ad-libs, Mimi’s wig-snatching rap section, the soft vocal delivery, the zodiac choreography (Cosmic Girls whew?), Jiho’s weave, YooA’s ohh-yeah-eh’s… everything is pitch perfect. It sounds so… special. I just didn’t expect a rookie girl group to deliver a song that other older groups can’t even dream of releasing. Poor its. This song made me realize that yes, maybe K-pop’s golden age has passed, but the bops will always keep on coming. And maybe they’ll even top our classic K-pop songs. This right here is a classic. I don’t see this ever going out of style. Anyway, I’m blabbing so much so I’ll just a leave a clip of Lady Gaga talking about this song:

Apologies for the back-to-back posts but I just wanted to say thank you all a million times for ranking, voting, following and commenting as this complete marathon of a rate ensued. Without your guys input there wouldn't have been a rate & you've made it all such a thrill for me to do. You are all hilarious, amazing and complete stars. Thank you for welcoming little ol' essay writing me into your coven of sassy unnies. I am forever grateful <3

The right song won but Someone Like U is fantastic too! Great great great rate @Squashua, it did make me look at some posters in a different way, often unfavorably but eh, not everyone can have great taste! Forgive and forget and all that.

I'm still crying some salty tears but I'm also so proud of @Squashua for doing such an amazing job on this rate!! You rock my socks gurl! And for the last time (yeah right) ... IMMA SASSY GURL! ... IMMA TAWP GURL!

WHAT WILL I LOOK FORWARD TO NOW??? I loved waking up in the morning then reading this thread immediately. Often times, I was highly upset whenever a fave gets eliminated but that's because I love 90% of the songs that we're rating.

Good job, my cyst @Squashua! And we have the same 11!!! TRUE CYSTREN FOR LIFE!!! I will participate in your future rates whatever those may be... but please not an APink discography rate. Kii. Saranghae Plastic Gangnam unnie and all the other unnies!!!

Great winner. Closer had totally gone past me when it was released, but when I listened to it for this rate it wasn't hard to see that it's the best song in all of the heats. Someone Like U eventually got my 11 because it's a personal fave of mine, but Closer really deserves this.

Love to my new favorite sis @Squashua! Your rate commentary - and Plastic Gangnam Unnie avatar - never failed to make me scream. Thank you for introducing 40+ flop songs that I never would have heard otherwise (including the sassy gurl anthem High Heels)... and thank you for bringing me Closer (nae mam) to new PJ sistrens with great music taste and establishing my new nemeses kii. And as promised, here is my gif gift to you:

Love to my new favorite sis @Squashua! Your rate commentary - and Plastic Gangnam Unnie avatar - never failed to make me scream. Thank you for introducing these 40+ flop songs that I never would have heard otherwise (including the sassy girl anthem High Heels)... and thank you for bringing me Closer (nae mam) to new PJ sistrens with great music taste and establishing my new nemeses kii. And as promised, here is my gif gift to you: