When you walk up to the immigration counter before entering Latin America, the official takes your passport and tells you to turn around and stick it out. If you don’t have a double down ass that is stretching the limits of the fabric covering it, then you get a giant red DENIED stamped on your passport and your flat ass gets sent back to whichever flat ass land you came from. Only bubble butt bitches allowed! (It’s true, it happened to me when I tried to go to Costa Rica.)

Colombian flower Sofia Vergara tells Allure (via NYDN) that you’ll hardly see her inside of gym, because working out makes her all-natural 32F chichis shrink and even worse, it makes her ass smaller. A small ass on her body makes Sofia Vergara sad, because she says a fat ass in Latin America is EVERYTHING .Sofia said this when she talked about working out:

“My ass gets smaller, and my boobs get smaller. I don’t mind when the boobs get smaller. I don’t like when the ass gets smaller. In Latin America, if you don’t have a big ass, you’re nothing.

We’re loud. We’re passionate. We’re colorful. We’re voluptuous … I am not scared of the stereotype of the Latin woman, because I think that’s fantastic.”

If you’re a skinny trick with noassatall in Latin America, don’t wander the streets looking for a back alley surgeon to pump your nalgas with Fix-A-Flat so you can finally make it there. Come to the US, where you can make it in show business even if you have an ass that is so flat it can double as a cheese-cutting board (see: practically half of the actresses here). And in exchange, we’ll hand over the trio of human asses known as the Kuntrashians! It’s a deal! Too late, Colombia! The deal is made and there’s no going back. Blame Sofia Vergara.

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