This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #KATNISS

March 23, 2012

Happy Friday!

You fucking made it! I’m so happy! I’m so happy you are here with me! We are jumping up and down! And we’re singing songs of merriment! We are singing Adele! Even though Adele’s lyrics are so sad, it’s really a joyous experience just letting rip and singing like Adele from your loins! Also, we’re singing along to Adele’s dance-y remixes, so they’re happy! I don’t want this to ever end! I’m so happy it’s difficult for me to not pee a little! I’m that happy!

Why are we so happy?

BOOBS!!!!

or…

I mean…

HUNGER GAMES!!!!

That’s right! Arch the shit out of those motherfuckers! How many rabbits is Katniss going to kill? 100? 50? 10? 1? Probably like 1 and then stop because it is a PG-13 movie.

Anyway!

Some of you may have went to a midnight showing of Hunger Games and are currently all glassy eyed after sitting through a two and a half hour movie in the middle of the night. I feel the same way because I decided at 2am last night to start watching Workaholics on Netflix for the first time and ended up watching 3 episodes of it. Good show.

So…

I don’t know too too much about what happens in Hunger Games asides from all the assumptions that I can make because this is pretty much a rip off of a bunch of other movies based on a similar idea of young, good looking people playing a death game for the entertainment of others. What I do know for a fact is that…

2. I saw an interview with Jennifer Lawrence where the title made mention of a “physical quirk” that J-Law had that made it difficult for her to play Katniss. My initial thought, “‘physical quirk’ is an odd way of saying ‘beautiful heaving breasts'”. Then the clip began with J-Law talking about how this “quirk” made it difficult for her to run. I was like tell me about it, slowly, then show footage of it, in slow motion. BUT! It turns out J-Law is “pigeon footed” and that made her run weird. Whatever. Listen ladies, I will not judge you on your running form – ever. That quite possibly could be the last thing I will judge you on. So, have J-Law’s people call my people (me and multiple personalities) and we’ll get together and we’ll never talk about her inward angled feet when she runs.

3. I hope they rewrote a scene or two in the movie to really delve into how spectacular Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs look. Like Katniss distracts a fellow tribute or whatever with her boobs and then the bread maker kid stabs the shit out of the guy/gal when they’re transfixed.

I mean it’s not like I’m going for round two with 21 Jump Street. Listen, I’m addicted to seeing movies. I saw This Means War. It was my idea even! I know!

Also, I’m a sucker for seeing the big thing, whatever the big thing is that’s going on. I saw two of those Twilight messes, I saw all 156 Harry Potter movies, so I can sit through at least one Hunger Games.

I have been talking the movie/book with people in the lead up to seeing the movie, what I’m getting from these convos is that everyone wants to see the “capital”. Everyone wants to see how ridiculous the rich people live and look and how awkward Katniss will appear up against it. Literally every conversation at some point has steered almost immediately to talking about how they are excited (male and female alike) to see Katniss play dress up. So, I’m trying to get excited for that too. It’s a work in progress.

The one issue I have with this is that as mentioned time and time again in this post alone – Jennifer Lawrence is hot. I mean she’s even hot in Winter’s Bone talking all slow and marble mouthed and then even slower and even more marble mouthed after she gets beat up. I feel like this movie will be a lot like theShe’s All That where we’re supposed to pretend that Rachel Leigh Cook isn’t the hottest chick at that high school because she wears glasses and has a pony tail. Listen up, pony tails and glasses can look hot – especially if they’re on top/attached to Rachel Leigh Cook or Jennifer Lawrence’s smoke-show body and face.

I’m just wondering how the crazy people in the capital are going to pretend to have a hard time dressing up Jennifer Lawrence. Katniss is going to kind of look super ridiculously hot in all outfits…

Baywatch Katniss…

Lolita Katniss…

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Katniss…

Evolved Space Race From The Future Katniss…

They might want to attempt putting her into drag.

Either way, I’m looking forward to this movie. I just want to see this ridiculousness.

I really want something shocking to happen in the movie. That would be great. Like Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. I’m not saying there needs to be rape murders, but I wasn’t expecting that in GWADT and it definitely left quite an impression.

One Response to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #KATNISS”

It’s been hard to find a Hunger Games movie review that doesn’t say “Twilight” somewhere in it. Other than having three leads of the same gender and roughly the same age, and being pitched to the young adult crowd, I’m not seeing the similarities. Roger Ebert compared it to Gattaca and The Truman Show instead, so +2 for you, Roger. If you read a review, just Ctrl F for Twilight, and if there are any hits, close the page because that reviewer is mentally fucking handicapped.

That policy has led me to some of the stranger reviews on the internet, though, like two analyses of Jennifer Lawrence’s archery form by experts enjoying a rare opportunity to say something on a national stage. If you’re an archery expert, the only time the media is calling on you is for the Olympics and apparently, 2012 movie reviews. The overwhelming consensus is that, “Eh, Lawrence is okay, but WHAT THE FUCK IS JEREMY RENNER DOING IN AVENGERS?!!!”

Just Google Jeremy Renner archery and realize that Renner is not exactly the Daniel Day-Lewis of method actors. I don’t know how his training sessions with some master archer went, but all I can think is that that guy did something so heinous, so unforgivable, that Renner decided to turn in the worst archery performance in the history of film just so he could say in every interview that he was doing exactly what Master Archer told him to do and make that guy a laughingstock. Apparently of the 20 things you should do to shoot an arrow straight, Renner is doing 19 of them wrong. The only one he nailed was, “Don’t point the arrow straight back toward your own heart.”