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Andy Murray = Tartan Tim

Andy Murray, touted by many as the best British tennis player since Fred Perry, recently lost his third Grand Slam final without winning a single set, with a staggering set aggregate score of 9-0 over the three finals! Considering Murray’s recent form against Djokovic, having won the last three meetings, it appeared the Scot would certainly see his best chance of being the first Brit to lift a Grand Slam title since Fred Perry way back in 1936. However, it seems Andy suffers from the British disease of ‘lost bottle’. Perhaps not to that scale of the English football team but nevertheless he clearly lacks the ‘big game mentality’ required to be a world beater. It would seem he has the bottle of everyone’s favorite snooker loser, poor old Jimmy White. Murray, despite his youth, is in danger of becoming ‘poor old Andy Murray’ unless he can grow himself a set of balls (excuse the pun), man up and realise his potential.

How? Maybe Boris Becker hit the nail on the head by suggesting he needs a mentor. Boris should know, having won 49 titles in an illustrious career whilst still finding time to pose nude and have sex in cupboards. Maybe he needs to develop a personality! Poor Murray has the charisma of a lettuce leaf, a soggy one at that, but that’s him, could he change that? Sure he seems relaxed, but surely that’s a front? The frustration is immense and I do feel that if (when???) he finally breaks his duck, the Grand Slam titles will be flowing his way.

He certainly looks moody enough so maybe he should swear more, a la McEnroe, channel his aggression on to his opponent and the umpire, and anyone else who stands in his way! Attempt to scare the opposition into losing! If a player is confident he will have an aura around him, he lacks swagger and arrogance which all sporting greats have. Watch Federer stroll on to the court and you know he means business. He wins because he ‘knows’ he is the best, not because he ‘thinks’ he’s pretty good and might have a chance.

Murray looks uncomfortable and ill-fitting when he ambles on to Centre Court. The boy’s certainly not pretty enough either. Maybe he should channel his aggression in the gym, I know he’s beefed up a bit but he’s no Adonis, no Rafa Nadal! And that hair….. Need I say any more? Maybe its the pressure of his mother Judy turning up every time! Remember your first school play? I think I was a shepherd. One thing I am sure of is that I was shit! Desperate to impress my parents, all ending in the inevitable ‘Nevermind, we still love you Son.’

Murray claims he doesn’t care if he’s labelled a ‘bottler’ but the longer he goes without a Grand Slam title the more infamous he will become as the nearly man of tennis, sure he’s better than Henman ever was, but is that something to be proud of? On a positive note Agassi and Ivanisevic lost their 1st 3 Grand Slam finals and that didn’t seem to do them any harm (Ivanisevic won his fourth and last final, beating Pat Rafter after disposing of Henman in the semi, so perhaps not a great example) and Ivan Lendl lost his first 4 and then went on to win an impressive 8, nobody will remember him as a ‘bottler’!

In conclusion, it seems, Mr. Murray needs a new gym membership, a few sunbed sessions, to wear more vests, more aggression, a personality transplant and to tell his mother to politely ‘do one!’. I pray, for his own sanity, that he can take heed of this advice and maybe invest in an Adam Sandler box set to cheer himself up. Relax, stop taking yourself so seriously and, most importantly, WIN (a Grand Slam title!)
By Shaun Hurley