Let us take you back to last week - for all their presumed love towards each
other, Vince McMachon & Steve Austin ... just don't seem to be getting along
too well. Vince eats a Stunner and Austin goes to jail.
It's RAW! Coming to you 6.4.98 via tape (recorded 31.3.98) from Syracuse,
New York. Your hosts are Jim Ross & Michael Cole.
Vince McMahon walks down the aisle to a one-fingered ovation and a
resounding chant of "Austin." Vince tries, once again, to justify his
actions of last week with the crowd, who isn't buying it. "As a result of
my benevolence, I had him released the same night...Austin's learned his
lesson, and he learned it the hard way. No longer will he be the trash
talking, beer swilling, blue collar champion...you will see a new AND
IMPROVED Stone Cold Steve Austin tonight, I guarantee it - or your money
back!" The crowd seems unhappy (but hey, they can get their money back!)
Another "Austin" chant ushers McMahon out.
Ross says "I'll believe it when I see it."
DAN SEVERN v. A FILM CLIP - the clip wins!
UFC highlights (courtesy: SEG Sports) show Severn to be an accomplished
no-holds-barred fighter. Last week's War Zone highlights (courtesy: Head
Bangers) show Severn to be an accomplished suplex machine.
DAN SEVERN v. 2 COLD FLASH FUNK - Jim Cornette joins the commentators and
hypes the Beast. They've brought four belts with Severn - the UFC5 belt,
the Superfight belt, and the Ultimate Ultimate, oh, and the NWA World
Heavyweight Championship. Some mat wrestling to open, Severn tries for a
submission and Funk hits the ropes. Lockup, takedown, Severn tries another
arm bar, Funk again goes to the ropes. Funk with some punches, but Severn
takes him DOWN (a la Goldberg? Naah) powerbomb style and pummels Flash with
palm thrusts (which I hear are legal). To the ropes. Flash with a kick and
some right hands, but Severn hits a big suplex. Flash with a big kick,
Severn catches him off the ropes and gives him an unusual slam, followed by
the arm bar. Flash taps out (2:55). Cornette: "That's a *wrestler*, and I'm
taking him right to the top!"
DX is walking around backstage. They stop at the "Ladies Dressing Room" and
try to get in. Sadly, they don't make it. They ARE on their way to the
ring, though. Let's take an ad break!
10-321 brings you the WWF Rewind. DX destroys Cactus Jack & Chainsaw
Charlie - from last week's War Zone.
Are you ready? Shawn Michaels seems to have been edited out of the DX video
clip and X-Pac (the Kid) and the New Age Outlaws seem to have been edited
in. Unforunately, they don't have enough footage so you can see it start
over halfway through, har har. HHH "promised the world a revolution,
promised the world a change, promised the world an army - I live up to all
of my many promises!" Jesse James introduces himself and Billy Gunn and
talks for a bit about how great they are. Then X-Pac gets the mic and says
something about "young and hungry" and "gettin' jiggy with it." Chyna
says...nothing. HHH says "bazooka." JR suggests puttin' the young'uns to
bed.
Mankind plugs the Jakks WWF Slammers action figures.
Backstage, DX spray paint a stagehand, then beats him up. Ooh, graffiti,
say THAT'S original.
RAW is brought to you by Starburst and WWF: The Music (Volume 2).
STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. BRIAN "JERRY'S KID" CHRISTOPHER -
Christopher mocks the martial artistry of Blackman and gets a kick for his
troubles. I am distracted by Tennessee Lee, who makes his way to the
commentators table and joins them to announce his big surprise - at IYH:
Unforgiven, the WWF's April PPV, country supergroup Sawyer Brown will be
backing up Jedoublef Jadoubleredoublet in a "giant concert" - whoopee!
Meanwhile, these two have been going back and forth. Christopher goes for a
dropkick from the top, and hits it. Bridge for 2, Blackman kicks out.
Christopher goes for the devastating piledriver but Blackman reverses it for
a slam. Spear, whip, drop-on-your-face slam. Christopher holds the ropes
and Blackman misses a dropkick. Christopher with a clothesline and a climb
to the ropes, but Blackman is up and punches him in the gut. Blackman hits
one o' them martial arts type kicks and some kind of Bavarian pretzelhold
submission (5:02). Tennessee Lee, meanwhile, has a live mic on the walkway,
and introduces Dubba J. The lights go down, and while Blackman foolishly
stares at the entrance way, expecting a blinking horse, Jarrett has already
made it into the ring behind Blackman. The lights come up, and we see
Jarrett smash a "JJ AIN'T I GREAT" guitar, complete with sawdust filling, on
Blackman's head. Blackman sells it just a touch better than Ahmed Johnson
did way back when.
DX, still looking for something to do backstage, have made their way to the
Disciples of Apocalypse motorcycle corral. Triple H Triple Dog Dares the
other three gents to relieve themselves on "those beautiful Titan bikes" -
apparently, Chyna can NOT pee standing up. Fortunately for us, we get a
reappearance of the "D-Generation-X-censored" dots, missing for some four
months, covering the offending offensive offenders and their dastardly acts.
BopIt presents the WWF Slam of the Week. Last week on RAW, LOD2K gives the
Doomsday Device to - wait, is that Jose or Jesus?
Let us take you back to last week's big tag team title cage match where DX
helps the New Age Outlaws destroy the Hardcore Legends. Cactus Jack, who
has now made his way to the ring, says that DX won't put Cactus away. Terry
Funk's not around tonight, but he must be in bad shape if the Funker had to
fly home - they don't miss shows (didn't Dude Love miss a show after the
Survivor Series?) Terry always wanted to retire a champion - and that was
what he had planned to do - that WrestleMania would have been his last
match, but they don't have the belts due to a series of events. Cactus
wasn't unconscious, but he was close, last Monday night, as hey lay there,
the thing that rang through his ears was the chant of "AUSTIN...AUSTIN..."
Two years ago when he started as Mankind, people would come up to him and
ask "Why don't you bring back Cactus Jack?" He was Dude Love and people
would ask him "Why don't you bring back Cactus Jack?" "Well, I gave you
Cactus Jack...and when I lay there helpless, you were chanting someone
else's name...this isn't a knock on Austin..." and then he rips into the
fans. He says don't worry though, he's willing to accept a group apology
tonight. After being met with less than a resounding result, Jack FLIPS,
going off into an obscenity-laced tirade (which unfortunately is beeped out,
****!) ending with "You're not going to see Cactus Jack in this ring for a
long time." Off he goes...? JR: "Cactus, goodbye, and thank you."
An ad during the break announces that the "Don't Trust Anybody" tour will be
stopping at the San Jose Arena 15 May. Announced matches include Stone Cold
Steve Austin v. Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Undertaker v. Kane.
Let us take you back - the Rock and the NOD turn on Faarooq during last
week's War Zone.
Let us take you back earlier today - as Faarooq arrives to the arena, the
Nation DESTROYS him. The Rock puts the badmouth on Faarooq, letting him
know that HE is the one running the Nation now. The commentators speculate
that Faarooq's career just might be over. What, is EVERYBODY retiring this
week?
THE ROCK v. OWEN HART for the WWF Intercontinental title - as Rocky takes
the mic, *we* take a break.
Well, we missed every hilarious thing the Rock had to say, bleah. You know,
I don't think the new belts are THAT bad. Oh, Rocky is now the "ruler" of
the Nation, not the leader. OK. Farily even match until Kama trips up
Hart. Fortunately for us, referee "Blind" Jim Corvaris (I know I've spelled
it wrong, and hell, his first name is probably Dave or something , and I
apologise if you're reading it Mr. Ref) throws out Mark Henry, Kama, and
D-Lo Brown. Hart with a sleeper whih is quickly reversed. The Rock hits a
DDT for 2. The Rock stays on him - shoulderbreaker, and The People's
Elbow(tm) for 2. Head to the turnbuckle, whip and a clothesline, whip, eat
an elbow. Owen comes back with a clothesline, and another, reversal,
reversal, Hart swinging neckbreaker for 2. Owen with the ten punches to the
head (the crowd seems to count along). Spinning heel kick for 2. Rock goes
for "Rock Bottom" (his new finisher? A sidewalk slam?) but Owen ducks out
and hits a Ghetto Blaster - sorry, enziguiri - and the Scorpion Deathlock.
Cue Chyna, who smacks Hart in the back with a baseball bat - you know, those
baseball bats oughta be BANNED. DQ (I didn't write down the time, maybe 4
minutes?) DX, who have assembled at the top of the walkway, are laughing
with great body gestures. Chyna walks back to them...and keeps walking.
We immediately put up a copyright notice and go to the War Zone opening
credits.
Fireworks! It's the War Zone! Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry "the King
of sucking up" Lawler.
Vince McMahon comes out, flanked by two of Syracuse's finest. Lawler says
Austin is McMahon's bitch. Did he really just say that? Huh. Vince
introduces the New & Improved Stone Cold Steve Austin. Out comes Austin in
one of Dan Severn's suit & tie combos. Austin goes to climb the ropes -
looks back at Vince - and when Vince says "uh-uh", doesn't climb the ropes.
Vince rambles on and makes the crowd hate him. Vince asks Steve where the
Gucci shoes are, and Austin says that hurt so he put his wrestling boots
on. Vince removes the skull baseball cap and says this doesn't match the
outfit, so he throws it to the crowd. Vince asks the crowd to give it up
for the New & Improved Steve Austin, and the crowd doesn't exactly throw a
party, if you catch my drift. Vince asks "When did you realise you had to
come around?" Austin talks about being in jail and how he came to the
realisation that he can't beat Vince McMahon. Austin suggests a photograph
to commemorate the occasion and Vince is agreeable. Austin and Vince smile
for the camera, and I'm laughing my ass off at Austin's smile. Austin:
"You better get that film developed because it's the absolute LAST time
you'll see me in a suit." While Vince screams "You promised me!" Austin
rips off the suit and throws pieces of it to the crowd. He's got a (brand
new?) SCSA T under the suit, and of course a pair of black trunks. "DTA -
Don't Trust Anybody" and then gives McMahon a nut shot, which Vince
(over)sells well. Austin takes a picture, it'll last longer. Vince goes
through HIS impressive array of facial expressions and we're off.
Let us take you back to moments ago. Eh, just reread the last paragraph if
you want.
The Disciples of Apocalypse come to the ring. Apparently, they just noticed
their motorcycles smelled a little funny.
WWF: Unforgiven (IYH) is brought to you by 10-321!
Skull (or is it 8-Ball? talks): "Balls...*censored*..balls...*censored..."
I guess they've issued a challened to DX.
Let us take you back to last week's War Zone, where Luna challenged Sable to
an evening gown match, where Sable accepts. You know, there's something
about Sable's voice...it annoys me. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's a
lovely woman and all, but that voice...
LUNA (with theartistformerlyknownas Goldust) v. MATT KNOWLES - Goldust works
him over before the bell, which makes it a lot easier for Luna to hit a
monkey flip and a headbutt off the top rope for the pin (:26).
Val Venis promo. You probably already read the best jokes about him on
r.s.p-w but the highlights of this vignette were...his latest movie was "As
Hard As It Gets", he rises to the occasion, he gets up for a role and never
comes down, he'll be "entering" the WWF real soon. Val Venis is coming to
the WWF! Surely this is a sign of the impending apocalypse! Or something
to that effect...
MARVELOUS MARC MERO v. KEN "KNUCKLE UP IN THE ZONE SNAP" SHAMROCK - Mero
says to Sable, "At WM14, I gave you the spotlight, not get the hell out of
my face." Sable is blissfully silent in return, and walks off. Mero with
the fists a-flying, but a missed clothesline allows Shamrock to fire off
some punches of his own along with some of them "martial arts" kicks. Down
goes Mero. Shamrock with a whip, Mero with a reversal, and a kneelift.
Uppercut, armbar, kick, lefts (he's a Southpaw style, you see). Shamrock
knocks down Mero with one punch - now THAT'S a real man! Shamrock remembers
that we saw the Beast earlier so HE tries the armbar submission, but Mero,
remembering Flash Funk's clever counter, makes it to the ropes. They trade
punches, do the whip/reversal thing again, Shamrock hits an elbow, and then
hits a - well, he landed on Mero whatever it was. Shamrock tries a world
famous Shamarana but Mero reverses it into a (outlawed in the WCW)
powerbomb. Big stomp! TKO attempted, but Shamrock escapes. Shamrock with
the bellytobelly suplex. That's the cue for the Nation of Domination to run
in. Out goes Shamrock, who grabs a chair and goes back in. Mero's long
gone, apparently. I guess it's a no decision? (No time.) Mark Henry hits
Shamrock from behind, who seemed strangely fixated on Rocky. Henry with a
suplex, Henry with an elbow drop, Henry with a phat splash. Rock barks out
some orders, and then we see D-Lo do his frog splash on Shamrock. Rock gets
a mic and proclaims the dawn of a new era, and a new nation (which would
make this the THIRD Nation, if I recall correctly) One more on Shamrock for
good measure. I see someone told Rocky "no more chairshots on Shamrock -
that sumbitch is CRAZY!" The Nation walks off triumphantly. The crowd,
apparently forgetting to call for Faarooq, is not disappointed when he
doesn't show.
Enroll in SCU - buy the shirt!
Shamrock's STILL down. Hell, let's take an ad break!
Rerun of Mankind's Jakks action figure plug
Kevin Kelly introduces THE UNDERTAKER. I grab a snack while he walks to the
ring. You know, Undertaker IS the Lord of Darkness. He goes on and on and
it can only end in "eternal damnation." Paul Bearer and Kane appear on the
TitanTron "via satellite" from the graves of their parents, where just to
remind us that there's an Inferno match taking place at the next In Your
House, Kane demolishes, then sets on fire, the gravestones and gravesites.
I actually don't think I can make this sound any dumber that it already
strikes me.
Let us tak you back to the big blobs of censor spots - oh, no, it's DX
whizzin' on those beautiful Titan bikes!
DEGENERATION X v. DISCIPLES OF APOCALYPSE - X-pac joins the commentators and
Lawler and X-pac exchange mutual admiration. Chainz and the Dogg actually
try to wrestle for about ten seconds, but then it kinda turns into one giant
brawl - not that I was expecting a great scientific matchup here. JR
mentions the Legion of Doom 2000/New Age Outlaws matchup at Unforgiven. He
also mentions that Shawn Michaels gave a "no comment" when asked abotu the
"new" DX - this was also mentioned earlier in the show, but I missed writing
it down. OK, Skull was in the corner, 3 on 1, but he hulked up and fought
out of it. Whoops, just went down again. We break from the action (again)
to hear X-pac say how happy he is to be back in the WWF after "doing my time
down South." Let's take an ad break here, and see if I can bother to follow
the action when we get back.
When we come back, it's 8-Ball giving HHH a sidewalk slam. They're both
down. Chainz tags in! He's a house on fire! Oh no! All six men are in!
Big boot to HHH! Powerslam! Billy Gunn interrupts the count. Chainz takes
out Gunn but gets a Pedigree from the guy he was SUPPOSED to be paying
attention to, the legal man. 1, 2, 3. (8:55) X-pac grabs a chair. Who
will save the DOA? Who? Nobody, I guess. Gunn piledrives Chainz on the
chair. They move him to the ropes, then tie him up with some rope they
brought themselves (a la Terry Funk, last week). Nothing but free shots on
Chainz now - I guess the twins are unconscious or something. Hooray! There
IS someone to save them - Legion of Doom Two Thousand! (Or is that Mystery
Science Theatre Three Thousand?) Sunny seems to have trouble finding a
place to stay away from the fight and also look pretty and pose. Oh no!
LOD! DOA! DX! Sunny! We're out of time! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
You can email Christopher Robin Zimmerman at chris@kzim.com