Wednesday, January 14, 2009

51 SECRET AGENT

"One more minute until my doom." I muttered. My fingers were gray and trembling. The room was frigid with over-zealous air-conditioning.

"No, one more minute until my doom." Sylvia whispered back. I glanced at her. She looked perfect as usual, her brown hair perfectly styled and gleaming under the fluorescent lights. She even had make-up on. Who wore make-up to take a final exam?

"Please put all your study materials away now." Mr. Johnson announced. The class made a collective groan and, for a moment, there was no sound except for the swish of paper as Mr. Jones passed out a thick sheaf of test booklets.

The exam slid in front of me and my eyes shot to the first question: 'We know from Einstein’s Theory of Relativity that time is relative to the speed at which one is traveling. What other forces affect the passage of time?'

My heart flubbed a beat, and then began to pound frantically. The pencil I was clutching fell from my fingers and clattered on the floor.

"No. Not now, not now." I whispered. But it was too late. The walls of the room darkened and seemed to move farther away, as though I were falling into a tunnel. And then there was pain.The pain came so quickly it felt as though I had gotten stabbed in the chest. I collapsed onto the floor, my arms pressed against my heart.

I'm first thinking some horrible death. Then I'm surprised by the setup to find it's an exam - I like the setup, but it threw me in an amusing way.

But then I'm thrown off course by the details that go into describing Sylvia. Possibly her description is useful for us to understand her part in the story, but I don't know yet if she's a MC or not, so it slows things down.

And then I don't have an idea of what strange phenomenon is happening to this person, but it's obviously more than taking a science exam.

I would continue reading, but I totally lost track of "the feeling" in all the description of Sylvia and the test. By the time the feeling reappears, (and it's the most important thing since it's what you start with) I've forgotten that's how you started. Maybe you can have her fight off the feeling successfully once, THEN introduce Sylvia and the test? Also, I'm assuming the quiz on relativity is relevant? :)

I would change a few things: You tend to repeat words {doom, perfect, pain), which works for effect if done once, but multiple times just makes me think (if I'm thinking like an agent) lazy writing. Also, "The pain came so quickly it felt as though I had gotten stabbed in the chest" seems like a cliched way to describe something so obviously important to the passage.

I like this, I'm intrigued, and I wanted to read on. Something is going to happen at nine o'clock - but what? And how does it relate to the subject of the exam question, because it presumably does. I also liked the way both the MC and Sylvia are anticipating their doom - but for completely different reasons. I'm sniffing a paranormal thing going on here and I'd like to know what it is.Beware: physical 'symptoms'; I hate pounding hearts of all kinds, and 'pounding frantically' takes you too close to cliche. Less can be more, my friend!

I was put off at first by the over-reacting of the characters until I read further and saw the situation. Then, I really liked it. I would surely keep reading to find out what was happening, whether it was something paranormal or simply a panic attack. I don't know if this is a mistake but you said once the teacher was "Johnson" and the next time you say "Jones". May want to take a look at that. Otherwise, great job!

I liked the opening, too. It hooked me in. And then I was a little let down that her "doom" was really a final exam. Then I got excited again at the end and would definitely read more!

One really nitpicky thing: the teacher asks for everyone to put away test materials. Everyone groans and then there's no sound but him handing out tests. When do they put materials away? I got hung up on this little thing. It's not too important in the grand scheme, but thought I'd mention it.

It hooked me, but I did wonder if "I" was male of female. At one point, he seemed to be checking Sylvia out, but then commenting on the makeup seemed to be something a girl would do, not a boy. Maybe make the gender obvious right away? Maybe Sylvia could mention "I's" name?

One thing: you have Mr. Johnson and then you say Mr. Jones -- if there are two teachers they need more different sounding names. Even if there is only one teacher, Mr. Johnson sounds way too generic, imo.

One minute before nine. And the feeling was getting worse. What feeling? I think she's worried about the exam. Try something like: One minute before nine and the knot in my stomach tightened.

It's a little wordy. One place to cut: And then there was pain.The pain came so quickly it felt as though I had gotten stabbed in the chest. Stab indicates a quick, sharp action, so all those words really boil down to "Pain stabbed me in the chest."

And a little telly.She even had make-up on. What did she look like? 'pouty, too pink lips'? 'kohl-lined eyes'? You use 'makeup' twice on the same line. Also 'perfect/perfectly'

Look at every occurence of was/were/is and consider rewording. ie. 'The pencil I clutched...' instead of 'was clutching'. 'To be' is often both telly and wordy.

It would be nice to no the sex of the MC. I think it's a girl. I like pounding by the way, SA. Using the word pain in two sentences does bother me, but I wold keep reading at least for a while to find out what's going on.

Interesting, but I'm not sure if I want to continue to read. I'm not sure if the test is the conflict or if there is something else going on. The ambiguity is annoying/frustrating me - but not enough to necessarily make me want to continue to read.