Thursday, 30 October 2014

If you're like me, you don't really consider Twitter as real life. I'm not a troll, racist, sexist or a cyber rapist but I still like making jokes about banter on Richard Keys timeline. I know I'm safe, nobody cares about me, but what if you're a footballer with your millions of fans? It turns out you have to pay actual money if you want to call someone a dick.

he was genuinely fined for using the term "choc ice"

Rio Ferdinand was recently fined £25k for using the word "sket" which is a word that men desperately trying to hang on to their youth and look cool use for slut. "Think before you tweet" is the message from the FA. Really they don't want anyone to think, as they have made £350,000 from twitter fines since 2011. If you think about how much money that is, that would pay for Ronaldo for one whole week. You could play him upfront, wide right or just ask him to poach eggs, the sky's the limit.

The biggest fine was dished out to Ashley Cole, he received a £90k fine for hilariously calling the FA "a bunch of twats". I think Twitter fines should be banned, it's great to see what players are genuinely funny and intelligent on Twitter and which ones are Wayne Rooney. To give it some context, all these chaps are millionaires, do they give a shit about a few grand? I made a joke the other day about Joey Barton murdering people and hiding them under the floor boards. If you told me that tweet was going to cost me £1, I'd throw that coin right at your face and laugh heartily as I click tweet.

Celtic player Aleksandar Tonev has been found guilty of doing a racism, OR HAS HE...

Well yes, the SFA think he has and have banned him for seven games. This sounds like a good thing and the right thing to do. If someone is racist, they should be fired out of a cannon into a volcano or punted by an angry mule but until we have the technology, suspensions will have to do.

Tonev racially abused Aberdeen right back Shay Logan when the two sides faced each other back in September. I can type this because A) why would Logan make this up? and B) he has been found guilty. On his debut no less, Tonev allegedly said something to Shay, Shay then told the referee, his captain Mark Reynolds and his manager straight after the incident. Either he was called something racist, or he's a really weird person who likes making things up and taking time out of a professional game of football to tell fantastical, whimsical tales of racism to anyone that will listen.

Celtic are standing by their player and will be appealing the decision. I'm not sure what they plan to get out of the appeal. Perhaps they had secret cameras or microphones? If not, it will go something like this."are you a racist?""no""did you call him a *MYSTERY RACISM WORDS*""yes...I mean no...I mean yes, I did but in Bulgaria that means, 'hey bro, how are you today? Would you like to share a sandwich with me?'

You know how I know he said something racist? He's from Eastern Europe, and if you call me a racist then I'll appeal against you so hard.

Premier League referee Mark Clattenburg has sadly been sentenced to death for attending an Ed Sheeran concert. If by sentenced to death you mean banned from refereeing this weekend.

Yes, it turns out that England's referee supreme (Howard Webb is now a full time spider) has been told he is not allowed to officiate a single game this weekend after travelling separately from his refereeing team after the West Brom v Crystal Palace match.

Premier League rules dictate that any official must attend and leave any match with the refereeing team to ensure that no Serie A style antics go down, but Clattenburg drove himself to and from the game in order to see Ed Sheeran play some shit songs about prostitutes he pretends to understand because he once slept in a tent at a festival that his Mum gave him money to go to.

To be fair to Mark Clattenburg, if anything, he should feel lucky for the punishment only being a weekend off refereeing. There are children who would rather return to Fritzl's basement than have to watch an entire Ed Sheeran gig.@jj_bull

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

This story is everywhere so here it goes, I've got the lawyers on speed-dial. Maradona's girlfriend was filming him watching TV, which would be really annoying. Instead of telling her to stop like a normal human, he decided to walk over and hit her... allegedly.

There is the couple during happier times, before she had the sheer audacity to look at a phone. Before the outrage brigade get annoyed, that's sarcasm. You should know how Fitba works by now.

According to Maradona -

'I sent the phone flying but I swear I've never hit a woman. The story starts and finishes there. 'I admit I knocked the phone out of Rocio's hands but there's nothing more to it. The situation didn't continue.'
In the video, Rocio says things like "stop hitting". Which is usually what you say when someone is hitting you. Hitting could be Argentinean slang for "being a dick", I don't know, I'm not a doctor. If it goes to court, it will be his word against hers, which will be a tough match-up. Maradona is a God in Argentina. He could probably be filmed using a midget as a an offensive weapon, swinging the midget around baseball bat style to assault other midgets and he would be given a new car or something to say thanks for the 86 World Cup.

Whatever happens, I hope justice is served. Remember kids, being really, really good at sport doesn't mean you can be a scumbag, just look at Ched Evans. The OJ Simpson days are over. Ched was convicted so we are safe with that one right?

Today the finally revealed the new World Cup logo and oh boy, it was worth the wait.

Of course the FIFA World Cup 2018 is going to be in Russia. I was expecting the logo to be a plane being shot down or a homosexual being beaten up, but instead we got the above.To the untrained eye, it may look like some kind of funky neon mushroom but you would be an IDIOT. It clearly reflects Russia's "heart and soul" and was given its glorious unveiling from the International Space Station because there's not really anything else for them to do up there anymore.
"Hey look, the water it floats!"
"We know Vladamir, we have been here for 10 years"

It all seems a bit over the top to me, at least the Brazilians had a good laugh at themselves and based their logo on Captain Picard's infamous facepalm. I mock, but history was made tonight. With the event being presented by Sepp Blatter, for the first time ever ,Vladamir Putin wasn't the biggest cunt in Russia.

Monday, 27 October 2014

Oh Rangers, why do you keep being so riduclous. Mike Ashley has been told by the SFA that he cannot have more than a 10% stake in the club. The problem being that he probably has more money and power than the SFA and keeps putting more money in. He's recently given a £2m 'loan' to Rangers Football Club in return for chief exec Graham Wallace and finance director Philip Nash leaving the club to be replaced by his own men. That's totally fine guys, please stop suggesting that Rangers and Mike Ashley are really dodgy.

It's not good news for Coisty, Wallace has been a strong defender of him, despite the fact that he's absolutely terrible. I imagine his defence of Ally was more to do with having no money to sack him and get someone new in, rather than his performance. He shouldn't be worried of course, his job is totally safe...well it would be if Mike Ashley wasn't overseeing the most obvious take over since the Nazi annexation of Austria in 1938.

"What are you doing here?"

"Uh, I just think it's really nice"

"What about those 300,000 soldiers behind you?"

Mike Ashley taking control of Rangers would make perfect sense. He made his money through Sports Direct, a company who already supply the official uniform for Rangers fans, consisting of Rangers top, tracksuit bottoms and sparkling white sport socks to tuck those shiny tracky bottoms in. I don't really see the value in buying a team that is in the Scottish Championship, but he's s billionaire and I'm an idiot, so he probably knows what he's doing.

Will Ashley ignore the SFA and increase his stake in the club? Will Ally McCoist get the sack? Will Ian Black finally admit he is not human? Tune in next week to the exciting and depressing tales of Rangers football club. Cue death threats

Everyone loves Zidane. If you were born in the 80s, he's probably the best player you've ever seem after Tony Hibbert. Only Zidane could end his career with a headbutt and enhance his status of KING. Maybe that's why he thought he could coach without the relevant badges, because he is Zidane you dicks.

News has surfaced that Zinedine has been banned from coaching for three months. It turns out that he doesn't actually have the level three French coaching badge he requires. I should have known it was the French, they ruin everything. Telling Zidane he isn't qualified to coach football is like telling John Terry that he's not qualified to coach teenagers to be top shaggers. Just try telling JT he's not a top shagger, he'll shag your dad and not even enjoy it. He's just doing it to teach you a lesson.

In Zidanes defence he said something about nobody defending him and being spat on, which seems a strange thing to do. He has until April 2015 to sit his level three, which means he has up until March 31st to sit at home and play Football Manager, while eating disgusting amounts of onion ring crisps. Then the night before, he'll drink ten red bulls and study for 12 hours straight before sitting his exams buzzing off his tits and annotating his diagrams of complex pressing systems with flying dragons and ninjas.

Friday, 24 October 2014

As part of my job at Project Babb I now make animated cartoons every week. How the f**k this has happened is beyond me but thanks for watching, sharing, subscribing, blah blah blah.

Here is a video where I try to inform all of the people who make memes, newspapers and youtube videos that making jokes about Suarez biting or whatever isn't funny. If I see any more puns about him biting off more than he can chew or... or.... in fact if you see anyone dressed up as a Suarez vampire this Halloween just hit them and pretend you really thought it was a vampire. People will understand.

Conversely, if you run over a bunch of children because you thought they were ghosts, a similar excuse doesn't work. In my defence I really did think they were ghosts but I guess that's just what happens when you've finished an entire case of beer before you go out driving.

Friday, 17 October 2014

As we all know, everyone from Poland is evil which is why when Polish football fans waited outside the stadium after their 2-2 with Scotland everyone knew something was going down. But then... THEY WERE THERE TO APPLAUD SCOTLAND FANS FOR BEING SO BLOODY NICE! AWWWWWWWW

I don't actually see what the Press & Journal is on about here, because it looks a lot like what normally happens after the match anyway when you aren't playing against some hideous minks but let's just go with it. Apparently Polish fans enjoyed the atmosphere created by the Tartan Army so much that they felt the need to say thanks and gathered outside the away fans section to applaud them as they left. Isn't that nice?

The sight of thousands of Polish football fans standing in a line waiting for Scots to exit the area probably didn't look in any way intimidating, so that's good. After the game the entire stadium all got on Ryanair planes back to Scotland, where they live.

By "The Snake" (@snake_hunter66)A discussion has erupted in recent days around the issue of "rest." This rest is a commodity which we are all guilty of indulging in.

I myself am a serial offender, and have some rest most days. My resting usually occurs in a bed and at night time. At least once a week, I may rest on a sofa or a train seat. On a weekend, my rest can happen on a tiled bathroom floor, or even within the property of a complete stranger. One of my pals even rested in a police cell after choosing to say the wrong thing in Corfu Kebabs, Dundee.

Raheem Sterling has recently decided that he needs a rest.

A lack of energy is the basis of his argument, alongside his worry of burnout. I will now take a knife to each of these points.

1. LACK OF ENERGY

Raheem Sterling's terms of employment are to work for 90mins/week and 180mins/week for any week featuring The Champions League, or a diddy cup.

A UK adult working on a full time basis is usually on a 35hr contract, meaning that Raheem is getting off lightly. Sure, there is training on occasion - but many of my good friends play football on an evening/weekend AFTER working a 35hr week. They still somehow find enough gas in the tank.

Raheem is no slouch on the pitch, and fairly puts himself about during a match. The same can be said of his bedroom performance, oi oi. As a young father, he has 6 children to 9 different women. Throughout my time as a sexually active male I have never been accused of being "shy," and my approach towards birth control has been extremely lacklustre at times. Absurdly, I am still yet to father a single child. By using some maths, I can calculate that Raheem must have done sex a minimum of 600,000 times (and dished out at least 250,000 fingerbangs.) This sort of irresponsible activity eats up a lot of time in a persons week. Especially if the minky women in question choose to stay for breakfast or "to chill," rather than leave immediately after ejaculation - like they bloody well should.

It seems that a lesson on time management could prove worthwhile for this young stud.

A popular social media argument in his defence is centered around Sterling's role as a "pace player." In this modern era of equality and diversity, this argument should be shot down immediately. If Mido asked his manager if he could lie on a sofa all day, would he be afforded the same generous treatment?

Physical over-exertion and the argument for scheduled rest is a very recent phenomenon, and seems to have bypassed the 80's almost entirely. Within this scene featuring an italian american boxer, please tell me if you can spot the rest period. I cant.

If anything, the tangible sporting successes earned by people like Mr Balboa are almost completely down to their training routines. Maybe Raheem should punch some meat when he has a bit of spare time at night. If it didn't help his Liverpool/England form, it would at least keep the child maintainence payments down.

2. BURNOUT

Burnout is an extremely popular video games franchise produced by Criterion. An arcade-style racing simulator with a particular emphasis on slow motion crashes.

In health journals and recent sporting articles, lack of energy and burnout are often mentioned in the same breath.

When at university, I had a friend who managed to progress to his 4th and final year of study withought touching any illegals. He always stuck to his booze, ken? Well, one night he decided to change his operating model, and feasted on a load of [infamous abbreviated class-a party drug]

He ended up playing rather a lot of Burnout that night, Burnout Paradise actually. His manner of play was drenched in an all consuming energy. His focus seemed eternal.

This is the first time I have seen Burnout take its rightful place alongside AN EXCESS of energy.

Peterhead player Andy Rodgers, who works in a petrol station or something, has been banned for saying bad things on Twitter. Twitter is apparently very serious now which is a shame if you are from Peterhead and have only recently learned how to breathe.

While I agree with Rodgers that the people of Fife are largely "absolute creatures" and "mutants" it is somewhat ironic that someone who presumably lives in Peterhead (it's north of Aberdeen) is in trouble for saying it. You're allowed to describe things still, it's not like he's just randomnly picking a place and slagging it off. Both Peterhead and Fife are the kind of places where the bar staff should all have to wear Hazmat suits just incase.

I understand when Rio Ferdinand gets in trouble for using shitty words like "sket" on Twitter because he has millions of followers and is meant to be a "role model", seeing as how Nike sponsor him to be alive, but I had never heard of Andy Rodgers until right now. I'm not entirely sure he's going to heavily influence the game but as it is he is currently on the top of the the soccer subreddit at the moment. If you don't know what that means, don't worry, I've heard they are bringing the internet to Peterhead in time for 2020. And in Fife there is hope that at some point an alphabet might be introduced.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Here is a hopefully funny song about ISIS that I made. It doesn't have anything to do with football... unless the Islamic State does actually become a country and competes in the World Cup, but whatever.

The words are:

when you left me it was early septemberyou said you were going to the shops but you actually went to syriawhy did you have to lienow i sit alone and cryand now i feel so empty inside

when you saidyou wanted to beheadall of the non-believersyou meantof the islamic statenot that we were meant to be together

now i sit alone and procrastinateWhile you have helped rapidly established an islamic fundamentalist caliphateand they’re doing really wellbloody hellthose guys really don’t fuck about

when you said you wanted to give me a headi thought it was sexual mispronunciationplease don’t send me the headof a hostage you’ve murdered for religious reasons

i was in lovewith an islamic state fundamentalistits hard to explainhow it feels to find out that I have fingered a terrorist

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Manchester City stars Joe Hart and James Milner helped England beat Estonia 1-0 on whenever the hell that was and afterwards flew to Aberdeen for a p.a.r.t.WHY? fuck knows.

Above is a goalkeeper with a student called Katherine Price and below is someone on Twitter called @grantinhand who ran into James Milner:

Judging by where these two are standing, I have deduced that the England players were probably drinking in somewhere called Paramount Bar. If you haven't been there before, don't worry about it. Just imagine a place that you don't ever want to have to go, but that your girlfriend knows someone that never, ever goes out and when they do they spend their entire time on Facebook but it's their engagement party and you have to go, and then you go and you decide that simply breaking up with your girlfriend isn't enough, you're going to have to literally kill her and hide the body in the harbour. Tonight. If you can imagine that then you're getting close.

There isn't really anything more to the story than that if I'm perfectly honest and as much as I want to tell you that the night ended with Joe Hart being thrown out of Exodus for doing the crab dance too violently at 12:30am on a week night, I would be lying. Because that was me. Twice.

Mesut Ozil has been accused of banging a hot girl. This is bad because he had a girlfriend at the time and some guy I've never heard of is telling this to people in the newspapers. The German newspapers.

Above is a picture of Melanie something or other, and below is a picture of thingy thing:

I have cleverly labelled both people in this picture so you do not get confused. Ozil is said to be considering legal action against German Man A, who alleges that Ozil used his "fame" to "muscle in" on his girl (the top one) while he was going out with his own girl (bottom left).

Unfortunately Mesut Ozil was unable to provide comment to me because he is actually in the process of being euthanised right now, seeing as how that's the most humane thing you could do to him at the moment. If he wasn't so busy (allegedly) shagging around maybe he wouldn't be so fucking useless at football. There are high schools in rural Dundee with higher pass percentages.

In May 2019, Aberdeen won the SPFL and Scottish Cup double under my guidance. Everything was right with the world. AND THEN

England also won the World Cup in 2018. I'm not sure which of these is more unrealistic. This almost makes it seem unrealistic that I have won the Scottish Premiership four times in a row... like it's some kind of... game.

Paul Scholes has recently taken up the art of being a pundit, which as he has discovered is to hang out with some guys he sort of knows and say things out loud. It's very difficult, but even more difficult is mastering the art of the written word.

The Evening Standard is one of those free newspapers you get in London and it exchanges money to Paul Scholes for his thoughts on football. I have highlighted the key stylistic decision Scholes has elected to use in this particular example of prose, namely to use all of the fullstops that have ever existed.

Although it is somewhat ironic that I am pointing out someone else's grammatical flaws, a child in the first year of high school would fail an English exam if they were to submit copy like this. This is how it should look

I thought Jack Wilshere had two very good games for England and he may actually be their best player at this moment in time. The penny appears to have dropped and while Wilshere has always been capable of intricate passing, he's added an extra dimension to his game. The quality of some of his long passes to Wayne Rooney was high. AND THEN I MURDERED HER ENTIRE FAMILY

Even that's still pretty bad and, like I said, it means nothing coming from me, but you get the idea. The closest thing I can relate it to is:

Which judging by that cover is actually quite a morbid book. Like a way of explaining what that whole Madeline McCann thing is to children or the mentally ill.

I totally forgot to post this the other day, but you know that whole Roy Keane thing? Do you remember that? He had a beard and everyone was talking about his book?

Made for Project Babb, who as you all know are my wonderful actual employers now, this video depicts Roy Keane in full half Irish/half pirate voice being angry at various things because hahahaha do you get it hahahah hes so angry!

Alex Ferguson is expected to release updated chapters or some nonsense from his autobiography to deal with the "lies" that Keane is on about. I don't care. And also, is there any point in buying these books when every single vaguely interesting story is tweeted before its even been released? No. No there is not.

Speaking of which, here are the secret bits from Alex Ferguson's book that no-one knows about yet:

Part 1

Part 2

Now that Roy Keane's book has been out for about 4 days, nobody gives a shit about it anymore and we must wait for more revelations about cricketers that nobody apart from the cricketers involved cares about. Someone called Gooch is being quoted on some cricket bullying. The only bullying involved in cricket should be the bullying that takes place when someone tells you they want to play cricket. I'd honestly rather my son told me he wanted to join ISIS.

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Lots of selfish Manchester City fans didn't bother turning up to watch their side play against Roma in the Champions League on Tuesday night and it has made Paul Scholes FURIOUS.

Scholes LAID IN to the City fans while being a pundit on ITV and said things like:

‘Tonight I don't think there is [a special atmosphere]. I don't think they realise what a big game this is.‘They've got the team, they've definitely got the players, the quality is definitely there, but do the crowd realise how lucky they are to be in this competition? I don't think they do.’

To be fair to City fans, I switched to watching that Gordon Ramsay show at 9:15 anyway because it was much more entertaining. Why normal people couldn't be arsed paying £50 a ticket to go see a boring game that funds a bunch of millionaires with no real attachment to the city to draw 1-1 is truly beyond me. Especially when Gordon Ramsay is bullying someone on TV.

Arsene Wenger has been in charge of Arsenal for 18 years now, which means he can now legally take it to the pub and it can stop drinking Miller at teenage parties, gamble and legally watch porn.

Recently Wenger revealed that his biggest regret in his career was not signing Cristiano Ronaldo, which is nice because most normal people have different regrets in their career. These tend to include things like accidentally hitting 'Reply All' on an email chain, having to work at that place at all and getting a handjob from the cleaner at the Christmas party. I'm pretty sure he was a cleaner anyway.

Now that nobody watches the Champions League anymore because Manchester United aren't in it, the club want to explore other money making avenues. Like playing friendlies against rich people.

Football Manager has taught us that Champions League participation is worth £7million plus lots of TV money, but real life people have estimated that not being in the competition this year will cost about £40million for United. I don't know whether this is real or not or is based on the same made up numbers people use for the stock market.

"Oh no Apple's shares have gone down $26billion today oh but now they're up $14billion that's good".

There's this absolute dick head of a cat who keeps trying to get into my house through the back door by my kitchen by the way. I know this doesn't effect you, but that's exactly how I feel about the stock market and Man United missing £40million so I just thought I'd write it down. Ed Woodward's solution is to play games against MLS teams like NYRB and LAGLXY but I think a much more lucrative solution would be to form a sort of caliphate in the middle east, since that apparently makes more money than many legitimate countries could ever dream of through oil production and it didn't even seem that hard to do in the first place.

Plus, the people who have joined ISIS seem about as fickle in what they believe in as Man United fans anyway so the foundations are there.

In the land of football media it is important that things happen so that there is something to write about, or even if they don't happen you can make it up. On an unrelated note, Daniel Sturridge will miss England's qualifiers and this is just terrible.

According to the BBC, Brenton Rodgers has said that Daniel Sturridge will be unfit to play for England against I dont know and I think San Marino. Look, he really did:

"He won't be fit to play for England whether he's available for the weekend or not," he said.

See? I told you he said it. Now England must choose from some other strikers to try and qualify for a tournament that the nation demands they win, despite pretending for about a month prior to it that they'll have no chance. Sort of in the same way that people pretend not to like Oasis but as soon as they're pissed at a nightclub and Cigarettes and Alcohol starts playing they forget they'd said that.