It’s June. The deadest of the NFL’s offseason dead months. The Super Bowl was four months ago. The draft was more than a month ago. OTAs are about to end. Training camps don’t open for six weeks, exhibition games don’t commence for two months, real games don’t begin for more than three.

Nothing. Is. Happening.

But media coverage of the NFL is very much happening. We’re in the league’s dead season, true, but NFL “news” trudges on like an unkillable, brainless zombie. Even though there’s no actual football being played and none on the immediate horizon, there are TV blocks to fill, radio time to use and unlimited internet space … and each day Roger Goodell’s great beast creates content out of nothing. It’s remarkable. Even more remarkable: there is a huge market of sports fans who will devour all of this NFL nothing that they’re fed, adding even more empty calories to the American diet.

How is this disgusting NFL content sausage made? There’s no real magic or secret to it. The football media just sprinkles the following five go-to storylines throughout the offseason and before we all know it: it’s September and real football is here to save us. Until then, enjoy lots of this.

Something something Johnny Manziel

Hey, what’s up with that Johnny Manziel? If you answered: “Probably nothing, since it’s the offseason,” you have much to learn about the NFL content game. There is always a news angle to be had for a name that draws eyeballs. No news about Manziel can be news in and of itself. “Quiet Manziel showing signs of maturing.” Or: “Could a tamer off-the-field Manziel lead to a less creative player on the field?” See? It’s easy. Each of those stories would lead to sweet, sweet internet clicks.

Of course, the contrived headlines aren’t necessary when some real news happens, something major like … uh … Johnny Manziel tossing a half-empty water bottle in the direction of a golf fan? Sure! That can be big news! As you’ll probably (and unfortunately) recall, it was just last week that Manziel tired of a heckler at the AT&T Byron Nelson Classic golf tournament and reportedly tossed a bottle near the guy. ESPN’s agenda-setting show, “First Take,” spent nearly 20 minutes on Manziel and the water bottle during its Monday show. ESPN’s big story on Le Affair de Dasani had two reporter names listed in the byline. Two reporters on a he-said, he-tossed thing about the Cleveland Browns backup quarterback at a golf tournament. Football fans were too smart to get roped into this non-story, of course. ESPN.com’s story currently boasts 12,000 social media shares.

And the content beast rolls on.

Who is elite and not elite?

Is there a better time to debate who the best players are than a time when no one is playing? Apparently not.

Not long ago, Eli Manning was the Patron Saint of the NFL elite Debate. Now, it is Joe Flacco. (You’ll recall that it was ultimately determined Manning was elite because you can’t spell the word without Eli. It checks out!) It’s hard to make it through an entire day without stumbling over Is-Flacco-elite content.

ESPN is far from the only outlet to give us our elite fix. Here’s NFL.com with a “Is Joe Flacco elite?” tongue-in-cheek lede (but not really) a month ago: and don’t miss this NFL Network debate about whether Flacco is elite (with a special appearance by serial rapist Darren Sharper!): Sports Illustrated, Fox Sports, every blog - they’ve all taken plunges into the elite waters.

Perhaps a worthwhile segment would be to have a linguist on the air to tell us what the word “elite” actually means in a football context. Is it the best player? One of the top two? Three? Four? More? Currently or of this generation? Or all-time? Let’s at least agree what the word means before we start discussing who most embodies the word’s definition.

But doing that could slow the elite content beast. That can’t happen. It’s much easier to talk about nothing when the words you’re using mean absolutely nothing, too. And why stop at “elite”? Let’s throw “superstar” in the mix, too. Who says that word has to mean anything?

Something something Tebow

Tebow was the original Manziel: a backup quarterback with Hall of Fame headline capabilities. Now, with Tebow back in the NFL, he is the pious ying to Manziel’s destructive yang. We are living in a Golden Age of football media: this is first time in history that Tebow and Manziel are on NFL rosters – and the first time they’ve been both been on a football roster since the August before Manziel’s sophomore year in college. When Tebow was winning games with the Broncos, Manziel was a no-name Texas A&M redshirt.

But there has been an important update! Sanchez now says Tebow is not just another “camp arm.”

So there you have it. Stay tuned for more non-news as this non-story about a fourth-string quarterback develops.

Ranking … stuff

Did you know: quarterbacks are just one kind of positional player that can be ranked and called “elite” or “superstars” (or not). There are running backs, wide receivers, tight ends, linebackers, offensive tackles, kick returners, punters. Even coaches and assistants. The list goes on! All of them are ripe for classification in June.

In recent years, we’ve found that yelling about who the best cornerback is can generate almost as much outrage as debating quarterbacks. Richard Sherman is the best! No, Darrelle Revis is! No, it’s Patrick Peterson! What? Richard Sherman isn’t even good!

With even cornerbacks now able to prime news cycles, we may just be a few years away from being able to spend our summers screaming at each other about NFL long-snapper rankings. What a great time to be a sports fan.

Grab bag

While Manziel, Tebow, eliteness and other general rankings can all be planted like ground-covering weeds to fill the empty patch of soil that is the NFL offseason, a fifth category with a fresher non-story-storyline is also available each off-season.

This year it’s the racism of Chip Kelly. How racist is he? A little bit? A lot? Is he not at all racist? Let’s ask LeSean McCoy. Now let’s ask him again. If he’s not available, ask a former Eagles player. And don’t forget to ask Chip Kelly if he’s racist.

Then there’s social media. Did an NFL player say something stupid on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram today? Yes. Of course. People the world over say stupid stuff on social media every day. The difference is, a football player being stupid on social media can fill a week of the news-less offseason. Hashtag: blessed.

Now you’ve reached the end of this column. It was more than 1,000 words of nothing about nothing. But there’s good news: in the five minutes it took you to read this, you got five minutes closer to the NFL season and to media coverage that is (a little bit) more than nothing. Hooray.