FAQ on the Digital Switch

Editor's Note: I will be reading from "Captain Freedom" for the very last time at Powell's Books, SE Hawthorne, at 7:30 on Thursday, June 18th. Hope to see you there!

There's been a lot of confusion out there in TVland about the "Digital Switch," which occurred this past Friday. All Day Coffee is proud to present a handy guide to help you with your television troubles so that you can continue to buy the crap we want you to buy and think what we want you to think. We mean, heh, enjoy a variety of entertainment content from around the globe.

Why did we switch to digital?
As everyone knows, the analog signal provides an inferior picture, plus it has a greater purpose, which is to give the FCC a brand new luxury villa at the very summit of Cash Mountain.

How do I convert my signal from analog to digital?
The government is offering free conversion boxes, but if you don't trust them and their mind-control technology, you may purchase a conversion box from a reputable dealer. Alternatively, you may purchase a new television. In fact, forget the other ideas. Just buy the TV. Don't you always feel a little happier after you've bought some huge expensive appliance you don't really need? Aren't you really psyched by the idea of interpreting directions written in Finnish-Japanese and sitting around with dread waiting for the first time that new appliance is scratched by the cat?

I woke up with the same amount of fingers after the digital switch, and they were all in the correct position.
We aren't talking about those kind of digits.

What if random channels stop working for no reason?
This is just to show you how awesome digital really is. The signal just cuts out like that - no snow, no crazy UHF rainbow. Kick the box. If that doesn't work, immediately purchase a new television. Or two. You can never have too many.

Wasn't this just another technology scam like Y2K to get people to go out and buy new stuff to stimulate the economy?
What was that? We can't hear you because we're too busy juggling gold doubloons.

Thanks for bringing that up. We hear the Internet is running out of IP addresses. Every household will soon be required to buy their own IP address generator or we will never get to watch that funny video on Youtube with the cat ever again.

I own a digital alarm clock. Can I still listen to NPR unaffected?
If you're listening to NPR instead of watching TV we find it surprising that you're even reading this article right now, unless your granddaughter printed it out for you.

After the digital switch everything looks like Tron and my face is pixelated, plus everyone can see my acne in high definition.
Congratulations, you have made the official transition to digital. Our robot overlords will find it much easier to get us to buy their mp3 players, televisions, DVRs, electronic readers so that at the correct moment these gadgets can turn on us and put our brains in jars to harvest energy. 00010101010101010101010101010101010101010.

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