My secret to getting beach body ready

Hello chaps. And yes I am talking to you, not to my moobs. The secret to getting beach body ready is simple, really, a bit like negotiating world peace (joke!). Planning has always been something that I've been very big on, so come april, as the invitations start fluttering onto the doormat (Albania with PM Edi, Egypt with Hosni…) I go on my recently patented 'frankfurter and froob' diet, which gives you plenty in the way of protein and VIT C but the limited food palate means that in six weeks I have generally lost my easter egg paunch. I love easter eggs. They are my weakness. Easter eggs and Wendi Deng.

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Then I start thinking about definition. Women like definition. Kofi Annan has great definition. Can I let you into a little secret: exercise, exercise, sexercise. Whoops. I mean exercise. 15 minutes a day of lunges and press ups, with QVC on in the background is the best way to get the famous 'Blair butt'.

But the icing on the cake are the final trimmings. Nothing beats a really good waxing for perking a man up after something intense like the Chilcot Report; followed by exfoliation - I like using manuka honey and sea salt. Then, and only then, can you consider a spray tan. Please don't forget the spray tan, no-body wants a flaccid white lump of a man stomping around their yacht. You need to make an effort, you need to earn your place in the jacuzzi. Silvio always spray tans. He is an inspiration.

I used to wear Speedos but that is a young man's game. Now I am Vilbrequins all the way. And a gold chain nestling between my breasts. I mean pecs.