The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

Yesterday I got onto my last train to get home after work. I only ride it for one stop, so I was only on it for a couple of minutes. When I got on, I stood in the door opposite the exit side. Two men were standing on the exit side having a very lively conversation that I, of course, came on in the middle and because the train was noisy, I could only hear a few things here and there. I don’t normally eavesdrop…at least, I don’t make a point of it when out (eavesdropping was how I got a lot of my on the job training for my current career and we don’t particularly have any rules against it in our home. In fact, we encourage each other to pay attention to what’s going on at any given time, so yes, I am basically always listening in general), but this conversation caught my ear.

One of the men looked pretty young, possibly in his early 20’s. The other looked older, probably in his mid to late 30’s. The young man was explaining that there had been just too many things that the church he used to belong to was doing that was against things that are non-negotiable.

Before I heard the next part, I just assumed that the young man was explaining how he lost his faith, how he was an atheist now or something. Then the older man said,

“Yeah, I mean, their whole elder structure was totally not even biblically correct. It’s the Bible! How are you going to argue with that?”

“Exactly,” said the young man, “You don’t go against the Bible. I’m going to trust in God and you’ve got to do what the Bible says. So, I left the church.”

I was astounded; not because it turned out that while these men had generally been so offended by their church that they left, but remained faithful, but because I am still so unaware of the reach faith has everywhere and how most people do not just leap from “My church is full of it” to “and so is religion”.

After I got off the train, I made a stop at the market near the station. There were long lines and so I was idle for a while. A group of people who vaguely knew each other were saying hello and after a couple of minutes they were asking each other what church they go to…and they all had an answer.

I continue to be impressed by how skewed my vision of all this is. Even though I now know (finally) that atheists certainly do not make up the majority of the American public, I still have this lingering sense that most people still don’t really believe. But lately I’ve had quite a bit of evidence that this is not the case at all.

But perhaps it is all about identity. How important is the actual belief and practice of belief to most people versus simply calling yourself a person who believes? When I was growing up and generally surrounded by a whole host of odd things, I suppose I believed in them to a certain extent. I think it was always a sort of tongue in cheek belief though. Astrology was not something that I defined myself by. Sure, I liked a lot of the qualities that are classically assigned to Aries people and liked to believe that I exhibited them. Even moreso, my mom had this book that talked about each individual day of the year and what a person born on that day is like and man oh man was mine good. My birthday is the last page in the book and because the year is cyclical, people born on my birthday were supposedly the most evolved…somehow. Talk about ego stroking. But all the while as I was reading it, I knew that it was ego stroking. When I finally let go of all of that, I don’t remember it being horrible and I didn’t feel emptier because of it. I hadn’t lost community because of it. My identity remained unchanged (if not a little stronger without all the woo woo stuff getting in the way).

Spirituality was never honestly part of what I considered as my identity. Wes reminds me that I used to believe and I was resistant to forsaking it completely, but whenever I finally did I felt better for it. It’s how I feel whenever I get rid of something that effectively closes my mind or stops me from being the ultimate person who I want to be. Each layer gets cast off and I feel freer.

But religion is a very different thing. Many are indoctrinated into it from a very young age. Their impression of themselves is built around it. If they have reason to doubt their faith, they have reason to doubt themselves. And if they make the step of leaving everything of faith behind, they are also leaving behind the entire world that they knew. So I guess it makes a lot of sense why leaving a particular church doesn’t immediately lead to leaving faith altogether.

I had a friend who was going through a major crisis of faith a few years ago. I couldn’t understand why it was a crisis. I looked at not being able to believe anymore as some kind of gift he was giving himself. I thought it should be a happy occasion, “You’re free now!” But I couldn’t possibly understand. I have never lost something so fundamental to my sense of self. Apparently, I have a bit of atheist privilege…something I didn’t even know you could have.

Ginny is an excellent source for me to start to understand what this is like as she has gone through (and continues to go through) this very thing. It is a world that I have been so far removed from that I still don’t really get it. I have discovered that my identity is pretty fluid. I change things, I accept others, I evolve, but I generally always feel like myself. I have sometimes felt a small sense of loss when friends and I don’t really relate anymore, but it isn’t ever that painful because the people close to me are rocks that keep me grounded in all of it. I have never been abandoned by anyone or anything that really mattered…and I’m starting to see that this is a privilege and a rarity as well.

2 responses to “The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem”

During my mono years I took on a dating experiment, I had met an attractive and fun woman (I’ll call her “J”) – with one glaring issue: she was deeply entrenched in Christianity. Her family were Mormons but she had moved herself to a less restrictive (that’s almost a misnomer, in this context, I know) branch of Christianity.

I’ve never dated any one, thus far, that was an “atheist” they have all believed to some degree in a being greater than themselves and greater than the natural order. All of them except for J, however, were “loose” Christians (premarital sex, rarely went to Church, &c…).

J, went to Church every Sunday and believed in no premarital sex. Being an atheist this might seem like a near suicidal experiment but I had never tried dating someone with a strong “belief system” before. I was curious.

I’m very allowing of people’s perspectives, beliefs, and ideas – I think if you are legitimately happy with your paradigm then there is nothing wrong with you as a person. I have met happy religious people, happy atheists, and the reciprocal of all that too.

I dated J for 8 months and it was interesting. She convinced me to go to church a total of three times, I found some of the things said in service to be interesting on a personal self-help basis but every time I also noticed one or two little “gotchas” that always really turned me off (they would give a two hour service and at the end throw in, “if you don’t believe in Jesus you will, however, go to Hell – please don’t forget to tithe”).

(on a side note, after I broke up with J, she traveled the world for 6 months and is now devoutly *not* religious)

Through that experience, my other more minor experiences with other religious people (from many different cultures and religions), and my own self-study of philosophy and Jungian psychology – I have come to conclusion.

People are raised in a self-perpetuating generational cycle that teaches a fundamental and limiting concept to each new generation: the concept of lack (as opposed to abundance). This concept is scary from many points of view, lack of money, lack of love, lack of knowledge, lack of success, lack of progression, and ultimately at a deep unconscious level – lack of Self.

This belief in lack translates into a need (yes, a need, a visceral need – many religious people feel a visceral need to believe in “something”) to feel as though life has pre-destination, that the “lack” won’t somehow consume you – because people at an unconscious level have been patterned to into a lack-ful state of mind they then lack Self. Because they feel they lack it, their psyche has a visceral need to feel Self’s presence – it therefore gets projected (by the psyche) out onto something external; a deity(ies). They can then experience their projected Self through their belief system and feel “safe” which satisfies their ego complex.

I’m using “Self” in the Jungian sense – it’s the “whole” person, or the “individuated” person, Self for many metaphysics is analogous to the “higher self” (which is no different, in mechanics, to equating Self with God). Self when it is not projected – like it is in the case of many new age belief systems or old age religious systems – is integrated into the whole of the psyche. It is the key to an individuated person.

So, in short, the more compassion you can give religious people and understand where they come from (as I’m attempting to do with my own personal analysis of the religious psyche) – the more likely you are to assist them in discovering for themselves where exactly their Self is. In their psyche the whole time.

People will have a revelation, that there is no pre-destination and that there is only free will. In a Universe of free will there is nothing but abundance, you just have to expand your context!

Hello Parnell! Thank you for the thoughtful comment! I have been so busy writing that I have only now found time to write back.

I think you are right about lacking self, especially the point about the visceral need to believe in something. Often when I pondered these things growing up I found myself not understanding needing a belief in God or something mystical. Hence why I didn’t understand people wanting to have a prayer circle before school or whatever. At points I figured it was mostly about community, but now I realize that it is a community built around everyone needing very much to have a concept of God in their lives.

As for whether there is free will…well, I’m still figuring that one out. I got into a long conversation with Shaun about it once and found myself saying that souls exist and have been reevaluating my whole thought on it. I am sure it will lead to many a conversation and many a furrowed eyebrow.