TriStar Pictures via Everett Collection
An hour and change into Pompeii, there's a volcano. You'd think there might have been a volcano throughout — you'd think that the folks inhabiting the ill-fated Italian village would have been dealing with the infamous volcano for the full 110 minutes. After all, volcano movies have worked before. Volcano, for instance. And the other one. But for some reason, Pompeii feels the need to stuff its first three quarters with coliseum battles, Ancient Rome politics, unlikely friendships, and a love story. But we don’t care. We can't care. None of it warrants our care. Where the hell is the volcano, already?
To answer that: it's off to the side — rumbling. Smoking. Occasionally spiking the neighboring community with geological fissures or architectural misgivings. Pretty much executing every trick picked up in Ominous Foreshadowing 101, but never joining the story. Not until Paul W.S. Anderson shouts, "Last call," hitting us with a final 20-odd minutes of unmitigated disaster (in a good way). If you've managed to maintain a waking pulse throughout the lecture in sawdust that is Pompeii's story, then you might actually have a good time with the closing sequence. It has everything you’d expect — everything you had been expecting! — and delivers it with gusto. Torpedoes of smoke running hordes of idiot villagers out of their homes and toward whatever safety the notion of forward has to offer. Long undeveloped characters rising to the occasion to rescue hapless princesses who thought it might be a good idea to set their vacation homes at the foot of a lava-spewing mountain. The whole ordeal is actually a lot of laughs. But it amounts to a dessert just barely worth the tasteless dinner we had to force down to get there.
TriStar Pictures via Everett Collection
To get through the bulk of Pompeii, we recommend focusing all your attentions away from the effectively bland slave/gladiator/hero Kit Harington — sorry, Jon Snow (he's actually called a bastard at one point) — and onto his partner in crime: a scowling Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje — sorry, Mr. Eko (he and Snow actually trade valedictions by saying "I'll see you at another time, brother" at one point) — who warms up to his fellow prize fighter during their shared time in the klink, and delivers his moronic material with a sprinkle of flair. Keeping the working man down is Kiefer Sutherland — sorry, Jack Bauer — as an ostentatious Roman senator, doling out vainglory in Basil Fawlty-sized portions. When he's not spitting scowls at peasants, ol' JB is undermining the efforts of an earnest local governor Jared Harris — sorry, Lane Pryce (he actually calls someone a mad man at one point) — and his wife Carrie-Anne Moss — sorry, Katherine O'Connell from Vegas (joking! Trinity) — and finagling the douchiest marriage proposal ever toward their daughter Emily Browning — sorry, but I have no idea what she's from.
But questionable television references and some enjoyably daft performances by Eko and Jack can't really make up for the heft of mindless dullness that Pompeii passes off as its narrative... until the big showstopper.
In truth, the last sequence is a gem. It's fun, inviting, and energizing, and might even call into question the possibility that Pompeii is all about how futile life, love, friendship, politics, and pride are when even the most egregiously complicated of plots can be taken out in the end by a sudden volcanic eruption. But you have to wade through that egregious complication to get there, and you shouldn't expect to have too much of a good time doing so.
2/5
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Summit via Everett Collection
You can imagine that Renny Harlin, director and one quadrant of the writing team for The Legend of Hercules, began his pitch as such: We'll start with a war, because lots of these things start with wars. It feels like this was the principal maxim behind a good deal of the creative choices in this latest update of the Ancient Greek myth. There are always horse riding scenes. There are generally arena battles. There are CGI lions, when you can afford 'em. Oh, and you've got to have a romantic couple canoodling at the base of a waterfall. Weaving them all together cohesively would be a waste of time — just let the common threads take form in a remarkably shouldered Kellan Lutz and action sequences that transubstantiate abjectly to and fro slow-motion.
But pervading through Lutz's shirtless smirks and accent continuity that calls envy from Johnny Depp's Alice in Wonderland performance is the obtrusive lack of thought that went into this picture. A proverbial grab bag of "the basics" of the classic epic genre, The Legend of Hercules boasts familiarity over originality. So much so that the filmmakers didn't stop at Hercules mythology... they barely started with it, in fact. There's more Jesus Christ in the character than there is the Ancient Greek demigod, with no lack of Gladiator to keep things moreover relevant. But even more outrageous than the void of imagination in the construct of Hercules' world is its script — a piece so comically dim, thin, and idiotic that you will laugh. So we can't exactly say this is a totally joyless time at the movies.
Summit via Everett Collection
Surrounding Hercules, a character whose arc takes him from being a nice enough strong dude to a nice enough strong dude who kills people and finally owns up to his fate — "Okay, fine, yes, I guess I'm a god" — are a legion of characters whose makeup and motivations are instituted in their opening scenes and never change thereafter. His de facto stepdad, the teeth-baring King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins), despises the boy for being a living tribute to his supernatural cuckolding; his half-brother Iphicles (Liam Garrigan) is the archetypical scheming, neutered, jealous brother figure right down to the facial scar. The dialogue this family of mongoloids tosses around is stunningly brainless, ditto their character beats. Hercules can't understand how a mystical stranger knows his identity, even though he just moments ago exited a packed coliseum chanting his name. Iphicles defies villainy and menace when he threatens his betrothed Hebe (Gaia Weiss), long in love with Hercules, with the terrible fate of "accepting [him] and loving [their] children equally!" And the dad... jeez, that guy must really be proud of his teeth.
With no artistic feat successfully accomplished (or even braved, really) by this movie, we can at the very least call it inoffensive. There is nothing in The Legend of Hercules with which to take issue beyond its dismal intellect, and in a genre especially prone to regressive activity, this is a noteworthy triumph. But you might not have enough energy by the end to award The Legend of Hercules with this superlative. Either because you'll have laughed yourself into a coma at the film's idiocy, or because you'll have lost all strength trying to fend it off.
1/5
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Thor star Tom Hiddleston has won rave reviews for his "stellar" performance in a new London stage production of Coriolanus. The Avengers actor is the latest big name to tackle one of William Shakespeare's plays in the British capital this season, competing with Jude Law's Hamlet and David Tennant in Richard II, which are both on stage this month (Dec13).
Hiddleston takes on the lead role in the tragedy, which opened at the Donmar Warehouse on Tuesday night (17Dec13), and his turn as the troubled Roman general has thrilled theatre critics.
Paul Taylor of The Independent brands Hiddleston "magnificent", adding that he gives a "central performance of blazing stellar power and intelligence," while The Daily Telegraph's Charles Spencer writes, "(The show is) often exciting and intense, with Hiddleston delivering a powerhouse performance in the title role... The mixture of charisma and emotional truth in Hiddleston's performance is very special indeed."
Michael Billington of The Guardian calls the play a "fast, witty, intelligent production," adding "Tom Hiddleston boasts a fine Coriolanus," and the London Evening Standard's Henry Hitchings concludes, "Tom Hiddleston returns to the London stage with a compelling performance... He does an impressive job of suggesting the emotional inadequacy of this self-deluding, impulsive loner..."
Speaking after the opening night performance, Hiddleston insisted he was delighted to be back on the London stage: "It's such a privilege to come back. I've been wanting to do it for a long time and specifically to do it at the Donmar with Shakespeare which is where it started for me. Shakespeare led me to super heroes."
Hiddleston has previously credited the venue with launching his blockbuster movie career as Thor director Kenneth Branagh first spotted him on stage at the theatre in a production of Othello with Chiwetel Ejiofor and Ewan McGregor.

Rockers Kiss thrilled a wounded war veteran at a gig in Wisconsin on Saturday night (20Jul13) by pulling him up onstage and handing him the keys to a new home. The bandmembers were performing at Rock Fest when they halted the set and asked Roman Rivera and his wife to join them onstage.
Frontman Paul Stanley told the crowd, "We have special guests with us tonight I'd like to bring out... Roman Rivera and his wife Michelle... Roman is a Wisconsin native, everybody. He is also a decorated veteran. He was severely injured during his combat tour in Iraq by an improvised bomb. He is a tried-and-true hero.
"We have the privilege of presenting Roman and his family with a mortgage-free, two-storey, four-bedroom, three-car attached garage home in Janesville, Wisconsin. Again, completely mortgage-free. Please join me in congratulating Roman, and thank you to everyone for their service to our country!"
The big gift was made possible by officials at the charity Military Warriors Support Foundation.

Actor Paul Jenkins has died at the age of 74. The star passed away on Monday (01Jul13) following a brief illness, reports Deadline.com. Further details of his death were unavailable at press time.
Born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Jenkins made his movie debut in Roman Polanski's 1968 thriller Rosemary's Baby.
He reteamed with the filmmaker for an appearance in his 1974 crime drama Chinatown, but it was in TV that he really found fame, scoring small roles in 1970s series like M*A*S*H, Columbo, The Partridge Family and Kojak.
However, he will perhaps be best remembered for his portrayal of Professor Parks on family drama The Waltons from 1974 to 1976, and as Ed on Dynasty in 1981.
His other TV credits include The Rockford Files and Starsky and Hutch, while he also appeared in more recent shows Ally McBeal, Party of Five, The West Wing and Cold Case.

"Wait a sec," you'll say, furrowing your brow, upon hearing that Gerard Butler is in talks to headline a new film called The Raven. "Didn't that movie already come out?" Some of you will recall, with a good deal of regret, having head to theaters in April of 2012 to catch a newly released psychological thriller bearing this very same title: a John Cusack film that made for a resounding groan, critically and commercially. So why then, so soon after this universal flop, did someone think it a good idea to make another movie with the same title?
The film, which Deadline reports is in negotiations to give Butler a leading role formerly connected to Liam Hemsworth's name, is being pegged as a sci-fi thriller about a man whose incredible power that makes him the target of an evil regime. Nothing to do with Cusack's The Raven, or even Poe's "The Raven." But with a film both as recent and as adamantly scorned as the 2012 picture, it'll be hard to avoid an undesirable association.
But just maybe this will work in the favor of Butler's film. In the pattern of like named movies of the past, perhaps the dreadful reaction to the 2012 film will automatically brand this new one "the good Raven."
Kicking and ScreamingThe Will Ferrell family comedy about soccer and the quarter-life crises indie movie (that's the good one)
Jersey GirlThe Ben Affleck rom-com and the Melanie Griffith rom-com (that's the good one)
GladiatorThe Cuba Gooding Jr. boxing drama and the Russell Crowe Roman epic (that's the good one)
HeatThe indubitably '80s Burt Reynolds flick and the classic Pacino/De Niro crime drama (that's the good one)
TwilightThe infamous vampire franchise kickoff and the Paul Newman mystery thriller (that's the good one... if only by default)
There's hope for you yet, Raven 2.0!
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Craving a fun, crazy, wild, sexual ride? That's exactly what Justin Timberlake delivered as he hosted Saturday Night Live for the fifth time Saturday. Facing high expectations going into the evening, Timberlake more than lived up to the hype during his duties. Not only did the multi-hyphenate revive old characters, like his "D**k in a Box" lady-killer and OmeletteVille shiller, Timberlake also headlined some entertaining new sketches. He posed as temporarily chaste Emperor Caligula, starred in a fictional romantic comedy trailer, made an appearance in a Moet &amp; Chandon commercial, and performed two of his hit new songs.
But, there was more. SNL also inducted Timberlake into the "Five-Timers Club" and upon entering, he greeted by some more than A-List celebrity names like Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, and more. Oh yeah, and Jay-Z even made an appearance during one of Timberlake's performances. If SNL was trying to make us forget the series' past subpar three months, it certainly succeeded.
Read below to see what happened during Saturday night's star-studded episode.
RELATED: Justin Timberlake Returns to SNL
Hugo Chavez Memorial Performance
Becoming one of the rare hosts to appear in SNL's cold open, Timberlake posed as Elton John, sitting down at the piano to play and sing a tribute to deceased Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez. Poking fun at both John’s Princess Diana’s tribute, "Candle in the Wind," and the late leader, Timberlake sang about Chavez’s pistol-wielding press conferences and bizarre view that Capitalism killed Mars.
Justin Joins the Five-Timers Club
A dapper Timberlake began the star-studded festivities during his monologue, which officially inducted the five-time host into SNL's famous "Five-Timers Club." An update of Tom Hanks' famous 1990 monologue, Timberlake's opening brought back five-time hosts Paul Simon, Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, Alec Baldwin, Candice Bergen, and Hanks himself. (Members Drew Barrymore and John Goodman weren’t on-hand, but their portraits hung on the wall.)
As if those big names wasn't enough, original cast member Dan Aykroyd was there to serve Timberlake a special Gilly-inspired drink called the “Kristen Wiig” (god bless her SNL departed soul), and Martin Short, the third amigo, served hors d’oeuvres covered in the germs from his sneezes. If you were hoping for a Three Amigos reunion, you were rewarded later in the episode when Short, Martin, and Chase (in his first post-Community TV appearance) dressed as Ned Nederlander, Lucky Day, and Dusty Bottoms later in the show to introduce Timberlake's second performance.
It’s A Date
"D**k in a Box" twosome Timberlake and Andy Samberg made their return as a double dating pair posing as contestants in a Dating Game-esque program. But they had some lofty and legendary competition — they were stacked up against Bobby Moynihan as a sweet contestant looking for love and Aykroyd and Martin's Festrunk Brothers, the two wild and crazy guys made famous during SNL's 1970s glory days.
Turns out Timberlake and Samberg's duo and the Festrunk Brothers were the real match mad in heaven during the hilarious sketch — not only was it a treat for hardcore SNL fans to see Aykroyd and Martin revive their 30-year-old characters, but the "D**k in a Box" two some invited uproarious laughter with their dream dates, which included “[railing] on your butt," and their insistence that women can't get pregnant in the summertime. (Bonus points for the DuckTales shout-out.)
RELATED: Justin Timberlake's Awesome SNL Promo
VeganVille Vs. Sausage Depot
OmletteVille reinvented! Timberlake tried to create a “meat-free zone” by musically intimidating Moynihan's Sausage Depot mascot to give up his post, much like he did in the singer's now-famous 2003 OmletteVille sketch. In this bit, Timbelake whipped up some of Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” with “brown rice baby” as the kicker, and even sang tofu-inspired versions of hits from Rihanna and more. Timberlake ended the sketch with Baauer’s “Harlem Shake.” WHY, TIMBERLAKE WHY? I love you, but don't you know we've been trying to shake off the shake?
Birth Control NuvaBling Commercial
This sketch advertises a scary imaginary product: a bedazzled NuvaRing. For those who think vajazzling just isn't enough, the birth control product shines from within you... and hurts. Honestly, I could have done without this piece — I certainly didn't need nightmares about “shining up that 'gine" to accompany me to bed.
Timberlake Performs "Suit &amp; Tie"
If Veganville didn’t give you enough of Timberlake’s infamous dancing skills, he certainly delivered performing his new single, “Suit &amp; Tie.” There’s no denying that this man has his groove back after his musical hiatus, which gives us extra reason to continue to be endlessly jealous of the singer's new wife, Jessica Biel.
As if his dance skills weren’t enough, Jay-Z also joined Timberlake on stage to finish up the performance. And when it was over, I was left craving for Timberlake to “show [me] a few [more] things.”
Weekend Update
Seth Meyers started off the “Weekend Update” with another Chavez funeral joke and a rib about the North Korea-bound Dennis Rodman crashing the papal conclave. Meyers also joked about Playboy's Hebrew version of the magazine (look at the women's breasts from right to left) and Saturday's switch to Daylight Savings Time: “The clock on your oven will be wrong for six months.” Actually, the clock on my wall will finally be right again for the next six months.
And proving that SNL continued to pull out all the stops, Stefon (Bill Hader) appeared on Weekend Update to share his patented party advice, and, as an added bonus, offered an impression of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare. (We couldn't have dreamed up anything better.) But the bit left us wondering one thing: Why didn't anyone tell us Jamba Juice was bad for you?
RELATED: SNL Recap: The Time We Fell In Like with Kevin Hart
The Tales of Sober Caligula
Emperor Caligula (played by Timberlake) decided to clean up and stop abusing alcohol and partaking in orgies. What caused the infamous Roman Emperor to give up his dirty ways? He “woke up with [his] penis in the mouth of a dead lion” one day. (You don't want to know where the lion's penis was.) So, instead of the usual orgies, Caligula ruled that his court would participate in game night instead. Screw sober Caligula — doesn’t a Timberlake sexcapade sound much more thrilling? At least the pig got lucky.
Maine Justice or Southern Lies?
Timberlake's hair as a Maine-based baliff was the first sign of bad things to come in this mock court TV show. Indistinguishable dialogue, a blowup alligator, and a confusing premise (a town in Maine thinks its New Orleans?) couldn’t save the sketch, despite Timberlake's valiant efforts.
Timberlake Performs “Mirrors”
The Three Amigos — Short, Martin, and Chase — dressed up as a mariachi band as a nod to their 1986 movie and introduced Timberlake for his second performance. There is nothing else that can be said about this other than it was flawless.
She’s Got A D!%k
Airing near the end of the night, Timberlake’s mock movie trailer centered on “an adorable brunette,” who Timberlake finds out actually has a d**k. But despite his confused black friend’s advice, the heart wants what it wants, and the romantic comedy had the potential to be even better than Friends With Benefits.
Moet &amp; Chandon
Ricky V.I.Penis (Timberlake’s final character of the night) closed the show with an advertisement for Moet and Chandon starring porn stars. Imagining Timberlake as a porn star needing more room in his pants? Now, that's a real reason to celebrate!
Follow Lindsey on Twitter @LDiMat.
[Photo Credit: NBC]
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After nearly two years without Friday Night Lights star Kyle Chandler on our television screens (to be fair, he was starring in big-screen hits like Super 8, Argo, and Zero Dark Thirty), the beloved actor has signed on for the starring role in Showtime's pilot The Vatican, which focuses on a rural Synagogue in Minnesota. Just kidding, it's about the Roman Catholic Church.
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Showtime confirmed via release that Chandler will be playing Cardinal Thomas Duffy — "the charismatic yet enigmatic Archbishop of New York" — in the pilot, which was penned by Paul Attanasio and will be directed by Ridley Scott. The show in general will focus on "spirituality, power and politics — set against the modern-day political machinations within the Catholic church," and Duffy's progressive leanings will "excite some and alarm others within the hierarchy of the Catholic Church."
In other casting news, actors Matthew Goode (A Single Man) and Sebastian Koch (A Good Day to Die Hard) have also signed on, with filming set to begin in 2013. Now go home, before something bad happens. This day is just too sweet.
Follow Shaunna on Twitter @HWShaunna
[Photo Credit: WENN]
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