Inaccurate Legends [FS/N X Monty Python]

Summary: A simple replacing of every Heroic spirit with a Monty Python and the Holy Grail stand-in. All except for Archer that is, (I needed a straight man.) Also Saber will be FS/N Saber mixed with King Arthur from the movie. Also, this is crack. Please remember to check your brains at the door.

A/N: This is really just a crack idea I had. I'll be posting it as snippits or as a fully fledged story depending on how I feel. Really, it's just something fun to do while I work on Unforeseen Consequences. Which I am working on again btw, my broken computer is fixed after a month.

Two men leveled their swords at each other. Despite their previous exchange of blows, neither showed any sign of fatigue. Each was still sizing up his opponent; measuring their fighting capacity. Gripping his longsword with both hands, the first of the fighters grinned. “What kind of archer uses swords?” His voice was cheery, thoroughly enjoying the life or death combat.

Quirking an eyebrow, the man in red shifted his twin swords slightly. “Says the Lancer using a sword.” Archer took no joy in the fighting, he was only doing what was necessary. Sensing a phantom of a weakness, Archer dashed forward. Strike after strike rang out across the school grounds as blade met blade. Yet despite his efforts, Archer was unable to even scratch his opponents griffon heralding. Truly, this was another man skilled with a blade. Fighting another heroic spirit was challenging if nothing else.

Taking steady breaths, Archer studied his opponent. Yet his opponent wasn’t returning the favor, the Lancer was looking beyond, to Rin. He plans to attack Rin? I had taken this heroic spirit for a man bound by honor. This could be trouble.

Yet the broad, extremely joyous smile that crosses Lancer’s face was not a sadistic smirk. It was pure and innocent joy. “Ah ha! I knew it, you fiend! Kidnapping a fair maiden! Fear not gentle woman of the east, I shall save you from this dastardly villain!”

Archer took an involuntary step back. Does… Does he not realize Rin is my master?What kind of idiot- Archer’s train of thought was crushed as Lancer renewed his assault with ten times his previous ferocity. Where before the stalemate had been each opponent testing the other; now Archer was barely surviving the onslaught. Each blow was barely deflect, barely avoid. Fake noble phantasm after fake broke and was remade. This was impossible, there was no way this man could be this far above him. This could only be- Archer realized a moment to late as he was thrown to his back. A blade pressed against his throat, ready to finish the deed. “Wait!” Archer’s voice gave the man pause. Long enough for Archer’s plan to enact. “I’m not the one who kidnapped her, it was him!” It was the oldest trick in the book, but it worked. Lancer turned his head to look where Archer had pointed. Yet, to the varying surprise of all three participants of the Holy Grail War, a figure was standing where Archer was pointing.

In that moment, Shiro barely managed not to soil himself.

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Shiro suspected his heart was not going to get mysteriously healed a second time if this lunatic managed to stab him again. The reinforced paper sword Shiro had created in desperation was crushed by a swing of the man known as Lancer. “Ha ha! All great villains cling to life! I’ll beat you in your second form as well you demon! Ha ha!” The next blow sent Shiro flying through the wall and into his workshop. Barely able to stand, he saw the rampaging Lancer pause for a moment at the makeshift entrance Shiro’s projectile body had made. Shaking his head, Lancer turned and walked over to the closed door of the shed. “Ha ha!” He shouted, dramatically bursting through the door. Then the Lancer frowned. “That didn’t feel right.” Looking around, he exited and made for a window.

Why do I have to be killed by this lunatic! Shiro anguished. Then, yet another thing Shiro didn’t expect happened. Light, pure and beautiful filled the room.

As the light cleared, Shiro could make out a figure. Blue eyed and blonde of hair, the woman stood clad in beautiful armor. “I ask of you, are you my Master?” Wait, what?

“Ha ha!” Lancer jumped through a window, shattering glass in the most dramatic of fashions. “Now it is time to meet your true end fiend!”

“Lancelot, what are you doing?” The woman’s voice was annoyed, like one dealing with a child caught doing something wrong.

Recognition filled Lancer’s, Lancelot’s, face, “My liege?” Following the woman’s gaze, he looked behind him to the destroyed house. Nearly every entry way shattered from dramatic entrances. A busted pipe spewed water into the kitchen and a massive hole was punched through the roof. Getting a bit nervous, Lancelot defended himself. “B-but my liege, he is a villain. He is holding a fair maiden hostage!”

Wit a quirked eyebrow, the woman glanced over at Shiro, still confused and very much exhausted. “What is going on?!” He cried out, completely confused .

Pinching the bridge of her nose, the woman let out a sigh. “You did it again Lancelot… How many did you kill this time?” God, she had thought she was done with this.

Nodding, the woman seemed relieved. “Well that’s good then. You’re getting better.” Lancelot beamed at the praise from his Liege. “Still, you may be the bravest and most daring knight I’ve met, but you must learn to control that bravery of yours.” The words were practiced. She had spoken them many times. “Regardless, I’ll forgive you this time.”

Beaming all the more, Lancelot boomed, “Thank you my liege. Your wisdom is ever the greatest in the land.” Looking his king over, he continued to speak praise, “And I must say, you look very pretty shaved. Almost like…” He trailed off, slowly putting two and two together.

All of a sudden the noble air left the woman and her voice dropped several octaves. “I don’t know what you are talking about fellow male.” Ripping off her ahoge she placed it on her upper lip. “I still have my mustache!” Beads of sweat formed on the woman’s forehead under the scrutiny of Lancelot.

A moment thick with tension passed. Then, eliciting a suppressed sigh from the woman, Lancelot smiled. “Right, how could I have missed that. Now if you’ll excuse me my Liege, I must return to my master. His intelligence about fair maidens was false and he must be informed before he too makes a grave mistake.”

When the man darted off, Shiro let out the breath he hadn’t known he was holding. Thankful eyes fell upon the woman. With careful precision, she replaced her ahoge upon her head and turned to answer the unasked question. “We need to talk.” Shiro would have been all for this idea if not for the tense look that immedatelly came over the woman's face. "Enemies!"

Before Shiro could hope to stop her she darted off. Without thought, Shiro followed. half out of confusion and half out of worry for the woman. Yet that worry proved misplaced as Shiro rounded the corner of his wall to find her bisecting the man in red, Archer. Then, without missing a beat, the woman rounded on the other figure. Tohsaka Rin."Wait! Stop!" Shiro pleaded with all his heart.

I was just about to fall over laughing at this when a thought occurred to me: if every Servant other than Archer (and Gil?) has been replaced with a Python'd character, that means that if Ilya still used the summoning ritual that was expressly set up to bring forth a Berserker, she's most likely to have gotten the Pythons' own unstoppable killing machine, The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.

And now for something completely different, I submit the following thought experiment: how would the nunnery with the Grail-shaped beacon manifest in Fuyuki?

Saber, Rin, Sakura, Ilya, Taiga, Ayako, and probably half the eligible females of Fuyuki: "Shiroooouuuu..."
Shirou: "But they said they needed my help!"
Head Nun (who is totally not Kirei in drag): "Yes, I'm afraid the sisters have been very naughty, and need to be shown the error of their ways."
Nuns: "We must be punished!"
Archer (under his breath): "And now we know how Gilgamesh has been keeping up his prana reserves for the last decade, the bastard."

On another note, I suspect that when Saber takes a run at Ryuudo Temple, it won't be Sasaki Koujiro that gets in her way...

Black Knight: "None shall pass."
Saber: "Oh god, not you again."
Shirou: "You know this guy, too, Saber?"
Saber: "Yes, we crossed swords once. I cut off his left arm."
Black Knight: "...no you didn't."
Saber: "And then, because he refused to back down, I cut off his right arm."
Black Knight: "...t'was only a flesh wound."
Saber: "And then, when he still would not concede, I took his left leg, followed by his right."
Black Knight: "...cheeky bastard, don't think I've forgotten that... I mean, I've no idea what you're talking about!"
Saber: "Finally, when against all sense and reason, he continued to deny my victory-"
Black Knight: "It was a draw! A draw!"
Saber: "-I took his head."
Black Knight: "Shoulda bitten your kneecaps off, I should."
Shirou (who has been looking increasingly disturbed during all of this): "...soooo, not a friend and potential ally?"

Edit: I have to admit, Blackraptor has a point about Berserker Black Knight. Then again, didn't Lancelot already do that in Grail War Four?