Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I’m tired of being tiredI’m tired of having to fight all the timeI’m tired of having to struggleI’m tired of not being in controlI’m tired of trying to be in controlI’m tired of being patronizedI’m tired of having to cover my basesI’m conflicted and I’m tired of thatI’m pissed off

I want to not care but I have to careHaving to care is tiringBut who would care for me?I wish I wasn’t so damn smartI feel like I’m starting to “get it”But then I have to do something about “it”Doing something makes me tiredI can’t not do somethingSo then what do I do?

I want to and don’t want to be an adultI hate my mom for making me so aggressiveIt takes too much effort to be happyThat of course makes me tiredI need a househusband

I’m tired of being behindCatching up makes me tiredLife is so much harder being tired all the timeI’m tired of being drivenI’m tired of these god damn meds

Life is so much easier when you don’t focus on how you functionLife is so much easier when you’re on an even playing fieldHaving to measure up to others is exhaustingHow can I possibly be better then everyone else when I’m inherently inferior to begin with?

Being tired just plain sucks because it invades my lifeI HATE being tiredBut if I’ve always been tired why does it bother me so much?Because being tired holds me backAnd being tired potentially causes physical painAnd being utterly exhausted is the only thing that is guaranteed to make me cry

But I don’t cryI laughBut when I’m this tired I can’t laughI can’t do anything but cryWho wants to cry all the time?For that matter who wants to be tired all the time?

I don’t want to be tired all the timeBut if I wasn’t tired that would be giving upI can’t give upBecause what would happen then?What would that say about me?Giving in is absolutely not an optionIsn’t it funny how not giving in but being realistic seem so diametrically opposed?

Man I wish I had all the answersHaving answers saves energyTo be captain obvious, saving energy means I’m not as tiredNot being tired is goodIt is the Holy Grail

Not being tired is like a mirage in the middle of a desert islandBut it isn’t going to happenAnd again, that just totally sucksIt makes me want to cry—Being stuck between a rock and a hard place with no way out other then flat out giving upWhich I can’t do

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About Me

I'm 26 and am working part time as a Peer Support Specialist (psyc disability related) while I figure out what I'm doing with the rest of my life. I have cerebral palsy and bipolar II and I blog about my experiences with this because 1) I have a loud mouth and I like to use it 2) all the writing keeps me sane & 3) I value the community.
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