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One Born Every Minute liveblog 4/1/2012

I’m going to be liveblogging the new series of One Born Every Minute, which starts tonight at 9pm on Channel 4. I started liveblogging the programme half-way through the previous series and also did a couple of repeats of the first series. You can view them if you search for One Born Every Minute in the box at the top left of the homepage. I particularly loved Fabio and Joy from Series 1.

The new series has moved the action (as you read that I want you to imagine the opening section of Saving Private Ryan but with babies) from Southampton to Leeds. I deliberately haven’t looked at any of the episode guides or clips on the website, so I’ll be watching it fresh. It’ll be difficult to beat “Whole hand!” from Series 1 or “Chuff Like a Wizard’s Sleeve” from Series 2 but I’m looking forward to more wincing, laughing and weeping in equal measure.

I’ll be back just before 9pm…

20.52 – I started this post 6 hours ago and it’s been mentioned by MumsnetBloggers and C4OneBorn on Twitter and has received lots of hits so now I’m feeling the pressure to be terribly clever, witty and entertaining. Why am I only drinking water? Why didn’t I have a stuiff drink an hour ago? Oh – because I was doing an excercise DVD. Stupid cheese. Stupid chocolate.

21.00 Here we go….Every minute…of every hour…of every day…a baby is born in Britain…

21.07 Dh went white on the two occasions we went into the delivery suite. I wasn’t even giving birth at the time. It was the noise. When I was on the delivery suite ward for a brief stay the woman next to me gave birth and it sounded like she was being given a good seeing-to by a bull. I was whacked out on morphine at the time, thankfully.

21.10 the two prospective Dads are so young. Babies really. I want to sit them down, have a chat with them and pat them on the head. Bless.

21.15 I visited a friend in Leeds a couple of years ago and there was literally a Greggs on every corner, so I’m not surprised it’s already been mentioned. Actually, I could murder a sausage, bean and cheese pasty right now…

21.17 I like the cut of Army boy’s jib. “What’s the point of making a baby if you’re not going to be there for the birth?” Lily-livered idiots that wimp out of witnessing childbirth take note.

21.18 Kyan? Kian? Oh. But then I like old lady names so what do I know about anything?

21.24 Monkle? Willy welcomer? Fanoir? I prefer bits or ‘lady bits’.

21.27 I get some strange comments to moderate on this blog. No I don’t want to try your flight simulator. Is that a euphemism? Funnily enough I’ll be hitting the ‘delete’ button.

21.30 I wish I could delete Martine McCutcheon from my screen. And my brain.

21.31 Just asked dh what he calls his ‘parts’. Privates, apparently. We’re in the army now. Oh-woah we’re in the army now. Ooh how appropriate…

21.34 Mimsy! It was a cataloguing system for museum artefacts that I used in a previous job. A colleague and I used to complain that our Mimsy’s were sore….

21.36 <HULKS OUT> If you’re there at the beginning, you should be there at the end. Gah! What is wrong with these men?

21.41 I’ve noticed that it’s often the younger girls that want their mums in theatre with them rather than their partners. I always wanted dh with me. He didn’t have a say in the matter!

21.42 Having had a planned C-Section, I often wonder how I would’ve coped with a vaginal birth. I’m not going to find out now but I suspect I would have been stoic for the first stage and by the end I would’ve been a screaming, bellowing monster.

21.43 It always freaks me out when they don’t cry immediately.

21.45 That boy needs a hug. He’s a very ‘young’ 20. There’s a lot of front, bluff and bravado there, but he’s clearly bricking it.

So, that’s the first One Born liveblog for Series 3 done and dusted. Two healthy babies – one normal newborn size and one GINORMOUS baby. Two very proud new dads and two exhausted but happy new mums. Once again I take a moment to remember how AMAZING midwives are. There are times when I think I’d like to retrain as a midwife and then I realise I’d be crap at it and come to my senses. Those who can, do and those who can’t blog about it.