The Hard Stuff: "My Coworker Is So Pathetic!"

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I have a coworker who won't confide in me or anyone else at our job anymore. Also, when I dish to her about other people we work with, she doesn't even respond. I want her to confide in me because I think she needs my help to get her life together she's made some very bad dating choices in the past, and I don't really care for how she does her makeup or hair. I think she needs my friendship, because she sounds so pathetic. The other coworkers suspect that she stopped confiding in us because she thinks we talk about her behind her back but we only do it because we care. How do I get this coworker to let down her guard and let me back in? T.M., 39, Henderson, NV

I must tell you that in this case, it's you and not your coworker who needs some advice. Please reread your letter. Would you confide in someone who thinks that your life is a mess, that you date losers, and that you're pathetic?

You say she needs your friendship, but that's not what you're offering. To be a friend to someone isn't to treat her like a fixer-upper. The fact that she has cut you and your coworkers off, and that she refuses to join in the office dishfest, tells me that maybe she's not the loser you say she is. If nothing else, she has an instinct for self-preservation.

That said, if you do want her or people in general to let you in, try appreciating them for who they are and what they have to offer. Rather than leaping to judgment, adopt the spirit of vive la différence. Retraining yourself to be accepting rather than critical may be tough, but it's the only way to earn someone's genuine trust and respect.

Award-winning writer Karen Karbo is the author ofHow to Hepburn: Lessons on Living From Kate the Great. She's also a mom, a writing teacher, and a horse owner.

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Maybe your best friend is suddenly acting strangely. Or your parents or in-laws are making you nuts. Or your sister always takes your moms side in an argument, instead of yours. Whatevers bugging or perplexing you about your friends, brother, sister, parents, in-laws, husband, you name it REDBOOKs Karen Karbo has the smart advice you need. Email your questions, rants, and worries to her at karenkarbo@redbookmag.com and please include your initials, age, city and state. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.