Hey Wives!

I really can’t say what happened. Maybe the players’ wives called when I wasn’t home. I might have deleted their emails my mistake. All I know is, I haven’t heard from them after my outstanding offer to look after them when their husbands are on the road.

Look, wives, if you don’t want to see me, that’s fine. I don’t really understand it, but it’s fine. But frankly, you don’t know what you’re missing. Is it about money or cars or clothes that you need and your jock husbands won’t bother about? What, they won’t watch chick flicks with you, or talk about inner feelings? The insensitive bastards.

You must know that although I have hundreds in the bank and two cars, one that runs and another that almost runs, I can give you even more. I just need to think about it for a bit. And although I’ll buy you clothes if you really insist, I don’t really see the need for it and maybe we can bypass this. But I’ll supply the housecoat.

I’ll watch chick flicks with you, and just for fun you could bring several other wives along! You know, to keep the conversation flowing. And inner feelings? Just pour your heart out. Sure it’s possible that I’ll be bored, but I’ll do it for you because that’s the kind of guy I am. As long as the conversation doesn’t last too long and Breaking Bad isn’t on. Heck, let’s watch Breaking Bad together. It can’t get more romantic than that.

But I’m saving the best for last. You might be interested to know that I’m really well-endowed, and to prove this, I’m enclosing a photo of me peeing when I was little. Have a look. It was big then and well, you can only imagine now.