Reality check

Chicago teams could use televised makeovers, a la T.O. and the Cowboys

January 27, 2009|By RedEye

If it's good enough for the Cowboys and Terrell Owens, it's good enough for the Bears and the White Sox and pretty much any Chicago sports team. Here are a few reality series we'd like to see for Chicago teams.

Three Little Bears

PRIZE: The Bears are cleaning house and doing it on the cheap (surprise, surprise, right?). Three winners will earn the positions of head coach, offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator.

PREMISE: It's been three years since the Bears' Super Bowl run, and the team seems to have regressed on every level. Many recent moves have backfired (Devin Hester no longer returning kicks?), so it's time to think outside the box and bring in some creative thinkers to take the Bears to the next level -- again.

CHALLENGES

- Angelo's Way (No Way): When Bears GM Jerry Angelo says something, his staff should agree, right? Wouldn't it be wise to have a consistent vision? For example, when he says the quarterback position is a priority, the coach shouldn't say the very next day that the QB position is not a priority. So, in this event, contestants must agree publicly with Angelo, no matter how ridiculous the statement. The player who can agree with the most ridiculous of statements, wins.

- Life of Brian: As the media and fans have upped their criticism of Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher, he has responded in his usual surly style. He's even gotten defensive. The challenge for contestants: Find a way to cheer Brian up. Good luck.

Not-So-Lovable Winners

PRIZE: Marketing manager is on the line in this contest.

PREMISE: As a new era in Cubs ownership begins, the club needs a new image to go along with it. Out: Loveable losers. In: Hateable winners.

CHALLENGES

- Game Boy: Hot-headed Milton Bradley is one of the newest Cubs, and he's the poster boy for the team's new 'tude. Contestants tag along with Bradley as he goes to a photo shoot for a 2009 Cubs billboard. Their duty? Push Bradley's buttons, agitate him, make him mad. He needs to be angry for an advertising campaign called "Hungry Hungry Cubs."

- Ron Ranto: Cubs radio broadcaster Ron Santo is an unapologetic homer, no doubt. But he needs to be a little less supportive and little more combative. Instead of the groans and moans of misery, contestants will edit in jeers, rants and the occasional swear word. The most creative broadcast wins. Extra protection from broadcaster-seeking Bradley will be supplied.

Cleaning Up Dirty Sox

PRIZE: The winner of this cutthroat competition becomes the public relations manager for the White Sox.

PREMISE: Ozzie Guillen is known for his colorful outbursts on the field, off the field, in the dugout ... you get the picture. The goal of "Cleaning Up Dirty Sox" is to find someone to shadow Guillen and do damage control after he blows up -- or before, if humanly possible.

CHALLENGES

- The Translator: Contestants must decipher Ozzie's tirade after yet another midseason loss to the Twins.

- The Shield: It's not just about reacting, it's also about being proactive. In this contest, participants try to keep Ozzie away from positive media coverage of the Cubs to prevent the South Side manager from revealing his jealousy of the Sox's North Side counterparts.