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The horror is all about us this month. The temperature dips, the sun sets earlier, the moon rises, and Halloween nears. Werewolves stalk the woods and vampires seek their prey. It is a good thing we have a protector, a direct decedent of Professor Van Helsing.

I am of course talking about the traditional foe of the undead, Gwyneth Paltrow.

In case you missed it, noted intellectual, nuclear physicist, and Mensa member Paltrow is selling vampire repellent on her website, the accurately named goop.com.

It’s a real thing, check it out. The ingredients include such well-known anti-vampire ingredients as sound waves, moonlight, and love. Now me, if I were selling a quack vampire repellent, I’d use sunlight, not moonlight, but hey, that’s just me. The vampire repellent handed down in my family for generations includes sunlight, garlic, and pure anger.

Now to be fair to the clueless Ms. Paltrow, this is actually made to repel psychic vampires, and those are much harder to defend against than the blood-sucking types. My old Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual says they deal 1d6 points of damage + 1d6 points of damage for every two power points spent. Whatever that means.

But if you are a fan of stuff like this, no matter what your brain issue, you can also find other awesome(ly expensive and ridiculous) items on her site like an energy-cleansing aromatic mister and a rose quartz egg designed to increase sexual energy. I appreciate the fact that instructions are not included online for that item.

Whether the vampires are psychic or blood draining, it seems to me the only suckers here are the ones paying money for this stuff.

Ever use Craigslist? Chances are you haven’t since you are alive reading this. Craigslist is a site where you can list anything for free. Anything. Selling a lamp? Need an apartment? Looking for someone to do unspeakable biological things to you while a mule watches? Yeah! That’s the beauty of Craigslist: nothing is vetted, nothing is checked, nothing is done to give anyone any iota of responsibility if, for example, you agree to meet a woman under a dock in order to, oh, “sell a lamp” and the woman turns out to be three guys, a rottweiler, and bad intentions. No one checks a single thing. So I guess the bottom line is if you plan to go on Craigslist, for god’s sake don’t answer an ad.

Check out this duel which is currently waging on Craigslist. These two ads, or some variation of them, were all over the site last week. Dozens and dozens of postings. And remember, this is free, so if you are inclined to ruin someone’s life, well go to it dude.

There may be some objectionable language here. Don’t blame me! I’m warning you ahead of time, for once. This was all posted publicly on a free public site so I feel no problems posting their pictures or contact info. BUT I DO NOT think you should call them. DO NOT BLAME ME if you wake up one day with your house robbed or you body missing a vital part.

CLICK TO ENLARGE

Hello Beware of this transexual bitch who have been posting on craigslist for the last 6 months saying that she want’s a $400 to $600 room to rent in brooklyn! this is a crazy bitch who will rob your house and steal your money Beware!!! It does not take 6 months to find a room in new york city unless you are crazy as hell!!! this is a transexual than email dick pictures to people and will try to rob your house do not rent to this Bitch!! Call this nutcase and tell him off

Oddly, it then has the original ad from the original poster. And even more oddly, it has more pictures of the person than the real ad does.

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I no look for free room to exchange sex or house job ! My post is no fake . I recieved many emails from crazy guys who had problem about mental problem emailed to me about free rent ; one of them is crazy black dick work for gym , he offer his place in Mahatant , building. Beware him as he post many at Craigslist , he lied and always look girls ready for free rent sex buddy. I emailed him to tell him to go to fuck himself loser !

I hope that clears things up.

The bottom line here is that this is Craigslist in a nutshell. I have no idea what’s up with those ads.