Disgruntled Senior Mocks Freshmen for Behaviors He Will Be Deeply Nostalgic About

Four years ago, senior Communications major Nasir Khan had a different idea of what his final year at FSU would look like. Although classes started just a week ago, Khan is already longing for that innocent time in his life, where he could take his meal plan for granted and not get mistaken for the TA in every single class. To cope with the loss of his youth, Khan has turned to anger and mockery of freshmen in hopes that berating them will ease his nostalgia.

“I really have noticed a difference in my overall mood,” said Khan between breaths while yelling “NICE LANYARD!” at every student walking by HCB. “Continuing to stay in denial about my impending adulthood while making fun of 18-year-olds for simply being born later than I was is a great release.”

Savannah Entralgo, a freshman in ENC1101, a class that Khan already fulfilled in Fall 2013 but says he’s “auditing,” says she feels bad for Khan. “Every time we do group work, all he says is, ‘The only phrases I need to know are “See you at Bulls!” and “Bulls, baby!” I actually saw him at The Strip last weekend trying to convince the bouncer that his real ID was fake. Sad!”

Khan’s father, Fudhial, says his son has also been requesting care packages almost weekly. “We tried to send him care packages when he was a freshman but he told us he ‘wasn’t a child’ and to ‘only send money or Cheetos,’ in a manila envelope.” Khan was reportedly seen knocking care packages out of students’ hands at the UPS store, just so he could casually pick them up and shake them to determine what was inside.”

“I’m just so glad to not be a loser diaper baby freshman anymore,” said Khan, back-parking his car in the Traditions garage before meeting his friends to tan on Landis. “I’m looking forward to a kick ass senior year, starting with slamming down a couple brewskis in Wildwood before the Charleston Southern game.”