Metro sex column: I love my girlfriend, but I’m not in love with her

This week Metro’s sex and relationship experts help a man trying to end a relationship with a partner who is going through personal problems.

This week’s reader is desperate to do right by his girlfriend (Picture: Metro)

I have been with my girlfriend for two years and, although I love her, I’m not in love with her.I was planning on broaching the idea of us breaking up – I think she knows the chemistry is gone and we’ve been arguing lots more. The summer was pretty bad at times. Then her mother was diagnosed with cancer. It’s horrible for everyone, especially my girlfriend, who is the oldest of the children and who, I know, feels responsible for her mother’s care.My main concern now is obviously her and her mother but how long do we plod on with our relationship? Of course I want to be here for her but I was so ready to move on and was looking forward to the next chapter of my life. My girlfriend is very sensitive and difficult to be around, and she’s been quite spiteful. I haven’t reacted, I’ve given her space. Please don’t gun me down for being selfish. I’m writing because I want to do the right thing.

There are times in life when you have to grit your teeth and do the right thing, even if it’s not what you want to do. This is one of them, says Rupert Smith.

‘She clearly needs you and you don’t want to let her down, so you should be as supportive as you can and judge when the time is right to move on,’ he says.

A quiet exit with many offers of support is your best approach, says Dr Cecilia d’Felice. ‘You’re not being selfish, you are being real and you seem very clear that your romantic relationship is over,’ she says. ‘Right now, her family must come together so they can support her mother. Too many people stay together for the sake of a situation but it doesn’t help anyone. Ultimately, we are all responsible for ourselves and ourselves only.’

You should expect rage, distress and blame, she warns.

‘But you should stay quiet, do not react and keep offering your love and support,’ d’Felice adds. ‘It may even give her some fire in her belly to be active for her mother and, in the fullness of time, harmony will be restored. Just don’t expect to be a hero right now.’

James McConnachie questions your commitment to your girlfriend. ‘I’m sure you’re very attached to her but how much do you really love her? Love is a slow, steadfast power, the sort that will keep you going round and round in orbit. You seem to feel your presence is necessary and beneficial. But does your girlfriend really need a boyfriend who has one foot out of the door?’

McConnachie feels you’ve made your decision and are simply asking permission to go.

‘So take mine: go as gently as you can and as quickly as you like,’ he says. ‘But understand that, however and whenever you do go, your girlfriend and most other people will think you’re a worm. That, I’m afraid, is just your bad luck. Accept it and be thankful that luck has brought you nothing worse – some people get cancer.’

Your advice

@DaveDoolittle I wouldn’t worry about the panel gunning for you. It’s her mates you should be worried about once you dump her.@lukeo’sullivan Breaking up with her now is the wrong time and can quickly turn a friend into an enemy. Be a friend. Support her.@Trackercat S***ty situ. End it but offer, and keep offering, your support as a caring friend. It’ll be better in the long run for you both.

Next week…

I am 33 years old and have been married to my wife for four years but she is not interested in having sex. In fact, we barely kiss. Even though she dated men before she met me, she says she was a virgin. She once referred to herself as bisexual and admitted she had dated women in the past but nothing happened. I have wondered if she is asexual as she says she has no desire to have sex. She tells me she loves me and that she’s sorry. It’s a such a strange situation and I don’t know what to do.

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