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Thank you for that You're totally right about fear... trying to narrow down the pool of things that I stress about to my own actions and what I can personally control has been the only way to stay sane, I think...

Anyway, update: she has left. Things are quiet now, there are no resentments in any direction and I am meeting her this coming week to see what we can salvage of a friendship...

I think that, once we all realized what we needed, and what was possible taking into account everyone else's needs, the decision for her to move on became pretty clear...

Tread carefully when it comes to friendship with her. Her wounds and your's (not to mention his) are still fresh and raw. She's already shown to have difficulties being open and honest in relationships. Is that the kind of friend you need right now? Will the friendship help you both, or harm you? Or will it be unbalanced?

I can't answer it for you. It's just something to keep yourself aware of.

If it was me though? I'd probably take a break from her, with each of us agreeing to pick up the friendship at a later date, when things are a bit more relaxed and stable.

I agree with EdibleStrange. Time apart with no contact will not damage a relationship which has the potential for being a long term friendship or intimate relationship. I have gone as long as two years of no contact with people that are very important to me now. A good connection will survive time apart and if there is going to be a shift in the dynamics of the relationship, time apart is needed......good luck!!

Yeah, it sucks. I was in N's position at one point, and I just decided that I was going to be poly and if S (mine was an "S" too!) wanted to be with me, that was great, if not, that was unfortunate but I understood. She started dating around and now is with a great guy who wants to be mono with her. Sucks for me, but everyone has to follow their own happiness. I miss her. Wish I had a "K" to help with the heartache.

It's basically N's problem. He's the one that has a decision to make. As for your friendship with S, it sounds like that's over. So as has been said already, comfort each other as best as you can, that's all you can do.

Edit: Sorry, didn't see your last post there, about her leaving and looking to salvage the friendship with S. I sincerely hope it works out, but I think you should both be reminded that she tried to be poly when it went against her nature, and this may be a similar situation. She may want to keep the friendship but not be able to, and she needs to know that being honest with herself and you about this is very important. I would suggest thinking about taking a break from each other for a while and then picking things up slowly and naturally.