Snapchat Found Me Out…

Snapchat is slowly but surely unraveling all of my secrets with its filters. Every day another one of my identities floats up like a dead body in the lake that I’ve desperately been trying to hide.

First you had to go ahead and broadcast my super gay persona; you know, the one where you demonstrate a giant rainbow coming out of my mouth. I get it Snapchat; you know what I did last summer and the summer before that one. I was young and drunk and the closet was warm and comfy, okay? There’s no need to make my private matters public…

Then there was the cry baby; I would have really preferred that you didn’t put that on blast but whatever… Shortly after that, my puppy-like personality reared its ugly head and took over the world, claiming the title of a trait possessed by every basic bitch out there. Then there was my other, more selfish and bitchy personality of various cat-like creatures. I get that you want the world to check meowt as well as all of my disguises, but maybe let me keep a few to myself?

Then you went ahead and revealed my post drinking pale face with the eyeliner smeared all over and around my eyeballs… At least with that one, everyone could pretend it was for the sake of referencing a pretty popular ‘Panda’ song about the white X6; but let’s face it, it’s obviously about me and either what I look like on my walks of shame or just me drunkenly trying to put eyeliner on.

A few others were featured in passing… My unicorn self didn’t appreciate being found out. She’s very fragile and protective of her magical times. The cop in me didn’t mind so much; I can rock the hell out of aviators. My crying Joker self and I think you’re very insensitive; those were some rough times man, and you had to go and let everyone in on it.

And now everyone knows I’m a pirate too? What the hell, Snapchat? I made sure that no one got any ideas by never ever dressing up as a pirate for Halloween, but somehow you still found a way to expose me.

Snapchat is clearly on a roll and has no intentions of stopping. Can’t wait to see what else it decides to unveil about my exciting existence.