I spent the whole day at the IRWA Making Magic Miniconference and frankly, I’m too tired to think, let alone write. It was a great event and seeing Lani and Alastair again was fantastic! They were inspiring and I think there’s a chance I may be ready to start work on the new book again…

Thanks to the conference committee who did a wonderful job with planning, decorations, and food–everything went off without a hitch. Jillian Jacobs, Tia Catalina, Mellanie Szereto, and Tippi Hickey put together a fantastic event!

Five Things I’m Grateful for Today,

Spending two days with Liz

Spending time with Lani and Alastair

Making Magic was truly magical

I didn’t overeat at the conference

It’s good to be back home

***Happy Birthday to my brother-in-law, Everett Gasaway–Kate’s husband. I know she’s smiling down on you with love, Ev!

“I’m fine. I mean, not that I’m over it, but little by little it’s getting easier to pretend it’s easier, which means easier must be right around the corner.”

The words are just exactly how I’m feeling… I pretend a lot… that Kate’s not in my mind, that I’m not still aching, that there isn’t a huge hole in me. I smile, I go about my daily life, and I even laugh and enjoy my friends and family, but it’s still there… that empty place in my heart that was my sister’s place.

PJ and I went to get our nails done today. She’s really the only one I can answer truthfully when asked, “How are you doing?” We can talk about the sadness and how it’s sometimes so overwhelming, we can’t even breathe. How the reality of Kate being gone is almost too much to bear, let alone discuss. How it sometimes feels wrong to be happy, even though we both know that Kate would be the first person to tell us to, “snap out of it!”

I’ve had plenty of moments of happy since December 19. So has PJ. It’s not that we aren’t appreciating our lives and how good things are for us. We do appreciate our families and our kids and our husbands and each other and just how great our lives are. But something’s missing now. Someone’s missing… and my dear friend, Marta, who lost her brother many years ago, reminds me that the healing takes time. We will stop aching, but that hole will always be there. How could it not be?

Five Things I’m Grateful for Today:

Liz will be here tomorrow! YAY!

Husband helped me clean today–thank you!

Son is doing well in Rome.

The sun finally came out today.

A new friendship is developing with another writer I just met online–she is a kindred spirit.

Today was another funeral–well, visitation for us. Kate’s ex-husband died last week of congestive heart failure, so we went by to pay our respects even though we really haven’t had much contact with him in the over thirty years since their divorce. My heart breaks for their son and daughter (my niece and nephew), who’ve lost both their parents in the space of about 4 months. They’re both hanging in, but dear god, how painful must it be? All her little grandkids were there and I wondered how hard it must have been on their parents to tell them they’d lost another grandparent…

Kate loved babies–oh, man, did she ever love babies! And babies loved her. She had five grandchildren and one great-grandchild and nothing filled her with joy faster than a baby to cuddle and kiss on. Here’s a couple of pics of her with her great-grandson.

About two and half years ago at Christmas, Son and DIL brought 6-month-old Grandboy back home to meet his extended family, and we just sorta opened the front door and invited anyone who wanted to meet the little darling to stop on by.

Lots of people dropped by to ooh and ah over our precious new grandchild, but Kate got here first, coming straight from work. The little guy had been the tiniest bit fussy after a long day of airplane travel and not being used to jet lag, but Kate just swooped him up and cooed and sang to him. He gave her the sweetest smile and laughed and cooed right back at her. This picture, from that day, of her with Grandboy is one of my favorites–aren’t they adorable together? And she set the tone for the whole afternoon and evening. Grandboy charmed and delighted everyone that day, but I like to think he has a special place in his little heart for his Great-Aunt Kate. I wish he could’ve gotten to know her…

Five Things I’m Grateful for Today:

Gorgeous sunshine for my niece and nephew as they laid their dad to rest

It’s National Siblings Day. All day, I’ve ached with missing Kate, but I have PJ and my brother, Bud, so I’m not feeling at all sibling-less–just less-siblinged, I guess. That’s all of four plus an assortment of kids, spouses, partners, etc.

When we were kids, our dad left us–I actually remember that day clearly even though I was only 6 years old at the time. But I’m not going to think about him, except to say that I think it may have made us closer as kids to only have Mom. She was so busy when he first left, going to school and working full time to keep food on our table, that it fell to PJ, who was about 12 and Kate who was 10 to be surrogate parents to Bud and I. They were the “big kids” and Bud and I were the “little kids.”

PJ cooked and cleaned and Kate was her trusty assistant. One time, a couple of years after Dad left, Mom decided that it was time for Bud and I to stop sharing a room. So she moved me into a twin bed in PJ and Kate’s bedroom in our tiny ranch house. I remember being sad that I had to leave the bunk beds, but still kinda pleased that I got to share a room with the “big kids.” The girls made room in their closet for my rather paltry wardrobe and gave me the bottom drawer of the dresser for clothes that didn’t hang. My Barbie doll and other toys found a home in the corner by my new bed because I learned very quickly that PJ hated tripping on “little girl toys” when she came into the bedroom.

Bed-making was kinda haphazard in our house. Bud’s rarely got made because he went back and forth between the upper and lower bunks after I got evicted and he never saw the point, I guess. PJ and Kate made theirs when the mood struck, but once Mom taught us how to do “hospital corners,” Kate got more vigilant. One day, Kate tried to teach me. Now, I’m 8 years old and my little hands can barely shake out a sheet, and yet, she sat there for the better part of an hour patiently showing me how to fold the triangles and do the tucking. Then she showed me how to bounce a quarter off the super-tight sheets, which I thought was the rockingest thing ever. She even gave me her quarter when I mastered it, so I could show off to Mom when she got home from work that night. Kate let me take all the bed-making glory that day…