University Bids For Smith's Home

Edinburgh's Heriot-Watt University today made an £800,000 bid to buy the former house of Rangers manager, Walter Smith.

Due to the huge fortune that Smith has made, without actually winning anything, he found the 300-bedroom house in Edinburgh's Old Town too small, and has moved to a new house in Monte Carlo.

Rangers' Director of Shafting Our Own Fans, Billy Billie, said: 'Sure we've won nothing important for over 30 years, but at least the mugs keep giving us their money, and that's paying for Mr. Smith's house, and for his non-achieving job.'

Mr. Smith became one of England's best club managers, when he never won anything in the Midlands, and also failed as Scotland manager for two days, and succeeded in winning nothing with them, either. But tonight he has a chance to pay off his eighth mortgage, as Rangers will be losing to the mighty Thingyovski from Siberia, and the profits on this loss will make him almost as rich as Sean Workshy, another wealthy Scot.

But a spokesman for Edinburgh council, speaking from London, said: 'The 34% rise in this year's council tax justifies this complete waste of money, if we can get away with making a Parliament cost over £400 million, but really being a giant outside toilet, we can get away with anything.'

Opposition council leader, Conservative Sir Harold McBackhander, added: 'Where is Heriot-Watt University? Is it near Oxford?'

And Scottish Last Minister, Alex Salmonface, added: 'Excellente! Gie's us your money, chaps, or we let the English start ruling in London again!' Bonnie Prince Charlie was in Marbella, eating fish'n'chips and drinking Irn Bru.'

Nicola Sturgeonface was away fishing.

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