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Rite Issue with FMIL

I don't normally write on this board, but I stalk y'all all the time. I had kind of an issue the other day with my FMIL. I need to give some background so please excuse this. We are Catholic Indian (you know the whole St. Thomas came to Indian converted people, well this is us), we fall in two different Roman Catholic rites, Malabar and Malankara. I'm Malankara and FIs family is Malabar. It's similar, but the Malabar right has more of the Eastern traditions. Either way when I picture my wedding I always wanted the Malankara wedding ceremony and mass. Since it's long and as a compromise FI and I agreed to do Malankara Ceremony with normal Latin Mass.I'm ok with this until I went over to the ILs house the other day and his mom keep "thinking" we were having Malabar Wedding Ceremony. After correcting her a few times (she had brain surgery so I assumed it was memory lapse) FI told me he didn't think it was her forgetting but wanting it in the other rite.He told me he won't go againist his mother. I don't expect him to, but what do I do? I know the whole it's my wedding, but honestly does anyone really believe that?? How do I express it to him and his mother without making myself look like bridezilla or anything? It may seem petty, but it really is important to me.

Re: Rite Issue with FMIL

i dont know much about the different rites so i cant help you there, although i would think the marriage would be valid in either rite, so its more a matter of preference. bel might know more, she's byzantine and dealt with some rite issues or agape who just is extremely knowledgeable about all sorts of things catholic.

i'm a bit concerned that your FI is siding with his mother rather than you. that would be an issue for me. a wedding is about the bride and groom, and it shoudl be jointly decided by the two of them, no one else, how you get married. his wishes are just as important as yours, but it seems you two came to a decision, and his mom doesnt like it, so he's going against what the two of you decided, and doing what mom wants. not good.

A friend of mine got married in malankara rite, then had the latin rite mass (cause you're technically not supposed to mix them, they did the marriage first, before beginning the mass). They had the patriarch of malankara rite there (The groom was plain old latin rite, so there wasn't really an issue).

ok, so that story wasn't helpful, but anyway...

This seems more of a personal thing, I don't think this is necessarily a catholic issue because they are indeed both valid.

I'm not very educated on different rites, however maybe these are things uou can think about:

-what rite will you raise your children? (I don't know if you have to choose one or the other) where will you primarily practice your faith?

-examine this more personal issue going on with the groom vs. mom thing. This maybe something that is a predictor of future behavior?

-my suggestion is to get away from "what I pictured my wedding" to be to what is, and what is best for now. (I realize this isn't in your case, but most wedding "pictures" that girls take on in their mind is what has been fed to them by tv and magazines).

Wait a second. First of all, your fiance should probably ask his mother what she wants and tell her what you want. You might be overthinking this.

Second of all, what does HE want? Honestly, if he was fine with what you wanted and only changed his mind because of his mother, I don't think that is a good reason. This ceremony is about the two of you, not about your parents. He should stand up to her and tell her that this is what you have decided upon as a couple.

If he really does want the other ceremony for his own personal reasons then is there a way to come to a compromise? I'm not familiar with the ceremonies but perhaps you could incorporate elements of each ceremony into your mass?

In Response to Re: Rite Issue with FMIL:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rite Issue with FMIL : have you and your fiance discussed which rite you will raise children in? Have you and your fiance discussed what he wants for celebrating the sacrament of marriage (not what his mother wants)? Have you discussed the role that parents' opinions will play in your marriage, and how you will establish appropriate boundaries while still trying to honor them as parents?
Posted by GulfCoaster[/QUOTE]

In Response to Re: Rite Issue with FMIL:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rite Issue with FMIL : Not necessarily -- it kind of depends on when the children were born, and the intention of the parents. A Byzantine mother and Latin father, as of 1990 at least, can agree that their children will be baptized into a Byzantine rite church. My friend is Ukrainian Catholic, her husband is Latin rite, and their children are Ukrainian. http://www.jimmyakin.org/2010/08/which-church-sui-iuris-do-you-enter-at-baptism.html has a decent explanation.
Posted by GulfCoaster[/QUOTE]

Current Canon Law states that the children will be enrolled in the rite of the father unless both the mother and father agree to enroll them in the mother's rite.
I believe it's Canon 29-1.

Like most we have a level of respect when it comes to our folks. So even though it's our wedding or such the parents dictate more then you'll know. I know he doesn't care which one we do. We've talked and if his mother gets anymore presistant then we will discuss it then. Since My Uncle is doing the wedding ceremony and one of their family friends is doing the Mass it was a good compromise I thought. His mom had cancer( 3times) and has only boys so they all treat her like she's china. I love that about them, but I just hope it's not something which will hinder us in the future. It will be discussed.

I'm of the youth leaders for my church so it was hard to think I was even leaving my church, but do to distance and language barrier we are going to be going to Latin mass three Sundays a month and Malankara one Sunday (when we have English Mass). This is our marriage compromise. As of now we haven't discussed fully which rite we will raise the kids in, but more then likely it will be Latin. Which is fine. They won't know much of our language either way.

In Response to Re: Rite Issue with FMIL:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rite Issue with FMIL : Current Canon Law states that the children will be enrolled in the rite of the father unless both the mother and father agree to enroll them in the mother's rite. I believe it's Canon 29-1.
Posted by meltoine[/QUOTE]

Right -- if the parents agree, they can do that, I think. My question to the OP was whether the two of them agree on what rite their future children will be enrolled in. If the OP wanted to raise her children Malankara, but her husband didn't agree, that would be trouble, since the children would otherwise be enrolled in the father's rite. It sounds like OP and her fiance have a compromise worked out, which is great.

Good luck, OP! It sounds like you and your fiance are on the same page... I hope that continues. :)