Martin: Nick, I've tried everything: the embassy, the German government, the consulate. I even talked to the U.N. ambassador. It's no use, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm.

General Streck: [on the phone] What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger? [pause] Very well, let me know if there is any change in his condition. [Hangs up] He's dead.

Deja Vu: Don't take it so hard Nick, life is filled with it's little miseries, each of us in his own way must learn to deal with adversity in a mature and adult fashion. [Sneezes into hands screams, and jumps out a window]

Dr Paul Flammond: Go quickly. If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a truck load of dead rats in a tampon factory.

Hillary Flammond: But he was one of the lucky ones. He managed to escape in a balloon during the Jimmy Carter presidency.

Nick Rivers: Are you in some kind of trouble with the police?

Hillary Flammond: Some things are much better left unsaid.

Nick Rivers: Like what?

Hillary Flammond: Well, you know... sometimes when you blow your nose into a tissue and you put it in your purse, then a little while later you have to reach in there for your lipstick or something, and your hand gushes into it, and it goes all over...

Nick Rivers: Listen to me, Hillary. I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.

Hillary Flammond: I know. It all sounds like some bad movie.

[Long pause. Both look at camera]

Hillary Flammond: Who do you favor in the Virginia Slims tournament?

Blindman: In women's tennis, I always root against the heterosexual.

Agent Cedric: Wait. You dropped your phony dog poo.

Blindman: What phony dog poo?

[Nick and Hillary arrive at the Potato Farm. A Shetland pony is coughing]

Nick Rivers: What's wrong with him?

Wagon Driver: Oh, he caught a cold last week and he's just a little hoarse.

Nick: Ist der Tochter achtzehn bitten?

Martin: What's that mean?

Nick: Is your daughter eighteen?

Martin: What the hell did you say to him?

Nick Rivers: Nothing, I just told him I'd put his name on the Montgomery Ward mailing list.