How Do You Know When Your Marriage is Over?

If you are trying to make the decision of whether or not to divorce, this section is for you. Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum, is arguably one of the most helpful guides for helping people who want to get out of Limbo. Instead of using a balance scale approach to weigh the pros and cons for staying or going, she poses 36 practical questions to ask yourself, and guidelines to help you make sense of your answers. It’s a diagnostic approach to evaluating your relationship. She presents each question, applies real-life examples and guidelines to make sense of your answer. We couldn’t begin to do this book justice by summarizing it. If you are in this position, we strongly recommend you spend time working through this book.

“The only way to get what you really want is to let go of what you don’t want.”― Dr. Iyanla Vanzant

Earlier, we reviewed some of the wrong reasons to go. But, what are the right reasons? Below are some signs to consider. You feel…

disrespected

dishonored

that your self-worth is diminishing

like you are dying a little more inside every day

emotionally disconnected from your spouse

humiliated

that trust is irretrievably broken

unsafe

that the deal breaker happened

physically unwanted by your spouse

no physical passion for your spouse

that fun outside of kids is not possible any longer, or

emotionally invested in a different life–pursuing something or someone else

If too many of these feelings sound like you–it’s probably time to go.

To recap some of what we’ve covered in this section so far…

Millions of people live in unhappy marriages. Nothing specific needs to be wrong for a marriage to be unhappy, although it can be hard to quantify because your marriage may seem so perfect. It can be the growing apart and slow disengagement that can occur over years.

If there is still a chance for your marriage to work in a healthy way where both spouses find happiness and fulfillment, we encourage you to work on your marriage. We provided many ideas for methods to do so.

Self-work and exploration, with a therapist or on your own, may be a helpful process to come to your decision.

Couples often believe they need to stay together for the sake of the kids. However, many experts do not agree. It is often cited that the quality of parenting after the divorce can lessen many of the potential negative effects of divorce on children. Experts also widely believe that living with parents who are unhappily married can be very damaging as well.

Post-divorce finances are scary and often not as comfortable as being married. It’s important to face the fear now to get a handle on where you are and what decisions need to be made so you can make ends meet after divorce.

We’ve given you a lot to think about. Hopefully you feel a little less alone, and perhaps have words to describe and validate what you are feeling. We encourage you to not wait for the magical sign or the event to tell you what to do. Make your decision and take the next step.

The next two sections will give you an overview of the divorce process and tips for coping with divorce.

Suggested Actions to Take Now!

~ Take what fits and leave the rest ~

Read This Book

Read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum. Where did you land?

Identify What Else You Need

Based upon what you’ve learned so far, do you have the information you need to make your decision? If not, identify what else is needed.

Consider a Therapist

If you haven’t yet, consider engaging a therapist to help you through this

MEMBERS GET THIS AND MORE:

UTK COMMUNICATION TOOLKIT

Print this helpful document for tips and scripts to use with your spouse and kids

UTK GUIDE TO FINDING A THERAPIST

Learn the questions to ask and organize your process

UTK DIVORCE COACHING

We can support you by identifying your next steps and advise you on your overall process

UTK SELF-ASSESSMENT

Use this guide for any additional self-exploration you may need to find your decision

HOW TO KEEP YOURSELF GROUNDED

You are heading into a challenging time. Learn some ways to stay mentally, emotionally and physically strong