Tuesday, May 26, 2009

So I woke up this morning and did what I normally do, turn on my instant messenger to check my email and to my surprise I have a message waiting for me from can you guess, no no you can't it was from Jon. So many different emotions flooded me as I went to read it. it said...

i want to apologize about not being in touch with you, i've been stationed here in japan and life has been too crazy for me, i've lost two relatives and lots of work drama plus my japanese is so rusty and horrible that I can't really work too well here. i'm trying to get sent back to the US I've had lots of issues with customs here cause of the stuff i tried to bring over with me and my dog, yes i brought her with me. I'm sorry to have hurt you, please don't waste any more time on me I'm just not worth it right now.

That is the actual message. at first I was happy and ready to take the explanation and just move on with are relationship but then when I hit the last line, well I was mad and upset. I love him and he knows it how can he say he is not worth my time right now. I get that he is having a hard and crazy and confusing life right now and I wish I could be there for him and it hurts me that I can't.I had started to move on I had planed a vacation to help me now I have canceled it I will wait for him to get back to the US so we can really talk because that is what we need, we needed to talk before he left so we really need to talk now. It is not fair to either of us to end what we had because of this and I have told him that, I have no clue when he will get the message but I can only hope he will at least give me that. I have gone through so much in the last two months emotionally and this just adds so much to my confusion. I had even started to talk to other guys and now I hate myself for it. I regret so much right now, I was moving on and I think even though I am happy to know that for the most part he is okay I took two steps back. I miss him so much and he means so much to me that when I read that last line of his message when he doubted his own worth it made me want to fight harder for him. And I just looked at when he sent the message I wasn't even asleep my computer was just off that makes me even madder at myself I could have talked to him last night and I missed my chance. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens, I'm sick of waiting but I will wait until I have had my closure, no matter how this turns out in the end, both Jon and I deserve to be able to at least talk about it and all that has happened.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Wouldn't one think that it would be an easy thing for a writer to do something they do a lot, about themselves. I mean every time I go to write anything I describe so much and in such good detail that I get the images I want to come out. So why is it so hard to describe myself? I mean every time someone asks me to describe myself I go blank. What do they want to know, what do I want them to know? Plus a million other questions run through my head making me think how to I do this, how to I describe myself. I just don't get what I should say, what I should tell them. It is all very confusing to me.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I am thinking of going somewhere anywhere I really don't care where. I just know I need a break, that I need to get away and go to some unknown, to me, place to clear my mind. I need to get away from Austin and all the stress that is here and go to a place where I can really relax. Just sit back and breath. Just work on Sleepless. Just have some time off. I want to go for a long time. I want to leave soon and not come back right away. I don't know how long that will really be but even if it is only a week or so it would be better then being stuck here. It is really getting to me that I am back in my parents house, I mean yes I want to work with them and learn from my dad and do what he says so that in four to five years I can retire, that would be sweet, but I know that it is not going to happen if I don't get a chance to clear my head. I need to just relax and not think of the things I need to do. I really need time to just do what I want to, I have been working so much if not school actual work and now I just want to be a kid. I cut my childhood short by going to Europe and then needing a job to pay for when I got back and pretty much ever since I got that job I was no longer a child, I had to schedule my fun at least two weeks in advance and that is a really hard thing to do. Part of me wishes I could go back to those carefree days of childhood, you know when you are four or five and don't really have any responsibility but people can understand what you're saying and might even listen to you. But there is a fine line in that. I want to be carefree but I have seen too much and know too much to ever go back to that, the best I can really wish for is some carefree time where I go somewhere and just relax and not really plan anything, just do whatever I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. I am going to try really hard to get this break, cause I really need and really want it. I am even thinking of places, within the US(I do have a passport I am just thinking of cost), that I would like to go. Places I have never been, which is quite a lot so it is not that hard on that part. All I really have to do is come up with the money and convince my parents this will be good for me and help me work better and more efficiently when I get back. It could work, I am an adult they can't really prevent me from doing what I want. I guess time will only tell if this is something I can really do.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

I am done. My last final is complete and I now have a whole year off of school. Of course i will be working but it is for my parents and it is for what i want to do in life so even if it is stressful i think i can handle it. I am just really excited to not have to deal with learning anymore information that won't really help me, at least now i will be learning stuff to help me in my future. I just can't believe that this year is over. I will be 19 in just over two weeks and so much has happened in this first year of adulthood. It is really hard to mark years by physical year because for me in January my year is just a little over half way through, while in school i still have half of whatever grade i am in to complete and in real life i still have six months until i age a year, so news years for me is more of just a change of date then the start of anything new. I start my year in the summer closer to my birthday, that is the big change for me, that is when my clock of judgment starts again, that is when i really access what happened in the year and what i want to happen in the next. nothing changes for me before then, nothing about me physically really changes till my birthday. On that third day of June that is when I start over.

So if you count the hours i spent reading then yes i read the whole Twilight Saga in four days. I just can claim that they were in a row i had to finish some of Breaking Dawn on Friday because well my stupid final got in the way and I had to study for it at least a little bit and lost a good six hours of reading so that when it was time to go to my final i would not be in the middle of a really good part, so i was up till 4am thrusday to friday and then woke at 10am friday and was finished reading by 1:38pm. so it took me only about three and a half hours to finish had my final not gotten in the way I would have been all good. I also read a really short book yesterday as well, i started it at like 10pm and was finished by 1am, i am reading a lot right now to keep myself distracted it works and it doesn't work all at the same time, but at least i am being productive.

Friday, May 15, 2009

I am really amazed with myself that i can think clearly and rationally while going through this, it is a weird out of body kinda thinking but hey at least it is more logical. I mean of course my action reflect little to mostly none of this thinking and it is only for brief periods of time, like last night when i was walking to my final i was like 'wow i was really out of it a moment ago when writing that depressive rant i know that those feeling are there and want to come through and by letting them i am probably helping myself more so might as well let it but wow i need to write some not so depressing thing soon', and then i did. I felt oddly rational last night, and i don't know why. I felt the need to explain my feeling more and really why should i , i know why i hurt so much and i am doing a really good job dealing with it, i mean my family has no clue how this is really hurting i am really good at the whole putting on a show most think i am just irritated and aggravated and pissed off at Jon for being a jerk, they don't know or realized that i still worry that i still hurt for him, they truly think i am over him and for a while i thought that too, i mean i was telling myself that, it will take me a really long time to get over Jon i think i really never will, but i am waiting for the point where it is not as hard for the point that i can start to sorta move on. i mean right now every time i try to more on it just hurts more, i regret it and feel guilty thinking about what he will say if he comes back when he comes back, so it makes moving on really really hard. I mean it is almost to a point that i wish he had just broken up with me when he moved, at least then there would have been closure, i have had no closure how can i truly move on, i don't see how that is possible, i almost feel that i am going to be stuck in this weird phase for a really long time or until he appears to give me closure, or even to fix everything again. I don't really know what it take i guess only time tell, for now i am just glad that even if I don't listen to myself all the time, i am at least thinking rationally sometime, my mind is clear of the confusion and i can see things clearly if only for a few moments.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I know I know two post same day again, but I wasn't really done with the first one, I had an exam to go take and on my way to said exam and before it started I had time to think, and I was hoping my other post would not have been commented on yet but hey this in a little bit of a response to the comment on it so it saves me from writing this twice. okay so that last post actually started as a poetic prose, that is what i writ if i am not writing a short story or novel, i use to be really good at poetry and was once published actually been published a couple times for poetry but the last two where more of the poetic prose you saw in a post earlier 'Blackness', anyways probably still good at it i just hate breaking things into verse so i go more paragraph format. So as i was typing my last post in a word document which i do not normally do it changed from just being a mash of emotions to a blog post that I felt I should share but to be honest even through i do feel that way a lot of the time I realized it is because it is summer, most people get depressed when it is cold and depressing outside but for me it happens well intensifies in the summer, why well best i can figure is because i have nothing to really distract me nothing that i really have to focus on, no learning to take the time and make that free time i have to think become a whole lot less, i kinda realized today that this is why it is really just hitting me now, I mean it has been two months since Jon disappeared and now is when I decide to break down, I mean i would have thought it would have happened sooner but before i had things like school and homework to distract me now yes I have my finals, well final now but i only really need the day of to study so until Saturday i have had totally free days, i had french today it is level 1 french and i took 4 years in high school no real need to study for today, so i have been reading, i enjoy reading and i have been reading the books that really got me into reading, the Twilight Saga, but with reading these books come reading about a very happy couple, which for me was not good, but i was thinking more helped me last year maybe will do the same this also thinking i was okay enough to read about that but I am not but i like the book to much not to read them all and i going for read them in four days which if i can finish Breaking Dawn sometime tonight then i will have successed in reading the Twilight Saga for my fourth time in four days which is a pretty cool thing. I was once in my life time suicidal I can't deny that I can't deny that those thought still don't cross my mind with all that is going on, I think about death a lot more when reading the Twilight Saga's and more now that I am almost nineteen the age the main character stops aging, oh how i wish that were really possible, but it will never make me make a rash decision to actually go through with it I could never i still see myself wanting more out of life then I have gotten in my almost 19 years, I want kids and a husband, it's not going to happen. No matter how out of it i get i could not do that to my little brother he needs me too much right now a reason i am not too upset that i have to move back home for a year because of this whole mess my life has become. I think i was being a little bit to dramatic earlier but hey what good writer isn't, I do appreciate the response it was helpful and just another reason to post so close together, I mean yes I am in a horrible situation right now and yes i am hurt and in pain but I want to try and publish Sleepless and I am not even close to finishing it so I will be around, I go through mood swings and I have been listening to Evanescence pretty much non stop because i can't really listen to happy music at the moment so i am more likely to let out the bad emotions but it is a good thing for me, having this blog to share my emotions even the bad is good for me, like I said in my last post I am very independent and it took me a very long time to tell my parents i was depressed they still don't even know the full extent i just don't want them to know, to worry, i don't need the worry, that is why this is helpful and my friend Jen because although i'm sure she worries about some of the things i tell her she is not going to show me that she is going to show me what i need and help me get through what ever it is that is going on at that time, it frustrates me right now that i haven't had a chance to really talk to her in a while I am going to have to fix that, i think it is part of the reason why i am writing more but the writing is sad and depressing and i haven't been able to really work on sleepless because it is an action pact sci-fi novel with a romantic twist built in and i just can't write about romance right now. I feel like Bella when Edward left her in New Moon but i didn't get a good bye and I am pretty sure my guy is not coming back so I can't look forward to the happy reunion that comes in the end of the book, but i don't live in a book so i really can't expect anything to happen, though i wish i could live in a book make life easier knowing it was all planed out, but i guess less fun, not knowing can be exciting but right now for me it sucks. I think i will be able to be myself a little better when i start to actually work for my parents, when i start the research and start having stuff to do everyday, plus being under the watch of my parents will at least help me keep control on how often and when i freak out and have a break down like i have had for the past couple days. I went out got some fresh air and was able to think more clearly, and again i am not saying my last post was just stress and an outburst i meant every word of it, it is just now as i think of it and the comment i got from it i felt i need to clear some things up and show that i can have some wicked mood swings into the deep dark depths of my depression, I should probably get some professional help and i may get to that it's just that whole independent thing again, I feel like to be myself i have to do it on my own even though rationally i know that that is ridicules that everybody need help sometimes and i should gets some if i feel like i need it. But i guess i am still in a wait and see phase, i want to give myself time and see how it helps. I don't know i am going to try my best to keep living life to the fullest and get over this hump, it will be a great thing to be able to put in a novel or something when i am in a better mood and over this, so i guess that is where i am really at hoping to get over this soon, though i will not push it i will let myself get over all the hurt and pain in the time that it needs.

Inside there is nothing, nothing at all only dark empty space. Alone in the dark that is what I am alone. There is no one, no one to help me, no one to save me. Darkness takes hold of everything. I am empty. I am dark. I am not me. I can’t make it through this, I can’t stand this. I have not many option in what lies ahead of me. As I see it I can either, stay and get over it, leave and get over it, or die. I can throw myself into work and forget about love all together, but how will that help, this is why I am leaving school, I need a break, time off from everything, but I have hit an age where I can’t have that, it is not allowed. I can just go living a day at a time but I am sick of that, I hate that the future that I was able to picture has vanished, it was there and now is gone again. I want that back but know that it won’t, no matter what I tell myself or what happens until he comes back to explain himself I will have pain. It will not go away, I have a hole, a really big hole and I cannot patch it myself, I don’t even think I have the will power in me to find someone to help me get over it. I just miss what I had so much, I want it back and I can’t have it, I can’t have that happiness back and it hurts. Every day that goes by another piece dies, another part of me goes black, I can’t stop it and part of me doesn’t want to, there is a part of me that wants to go all dark and black and just let go, just die. I am dying emotionally every day I don’t hear from him and I can actually feel me physically getting weaker like before I found him but worse because I know now what I have lost, before him I had no clue I didn’t know someone could or would see me that way, see me as their girlfriend and when it happened when he said those words it made me happy truly happy something I had not been since I was very young and innocent, and then it was all gone without warning and now the pain is so much that yes before it was physically affecting me but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now, now I feel like I am dying on the outside as well, like my body is giving up along with my heartbreak, I had never experienced love and now I have and losing it hurt, it hurts a lot. I can’t explain it truly you have to live through it and it is not something I would wish on anyone. But there are things I do know and can explain. I do know that my body is giving up, each day it hurts more, my chest, my arms, my legs my head, everything. At first I thought I was sick and for all I know I am but I know I hurt before I found him but not like this and when I found him I could ignore the hurt so well that it went away and then he left and now that I have truly excepted that the hurt the actually physical hurt has come back and ten times stronger, I use to be able to forget about it, even before him, but now every day I feel it and every day it gets worse. I know all I have done for the last few days is sit and read and maybe write now and again and so you would think I would feel less pain but no I feel more, that is how I figured out it was tied to him, how I knew it was because I had lost what I loved. If he comes back he is going to have a lot to explain and a lot to pick up after, I don’t even really know if there will be enough of me left to fix or if I will be too far gone, they say time heals all wounds but I don’t see it healing me, I have been hurt too much by him and by my own thinking and the lack of my own self worth, I was broken before he found me and he had all but fixed me I was so close to being whole and now I am worse off and I hate him for that and yet there is still a part of me and a big part of me that loves him still, I can’t explain why, it could be because there was no warning and he just disappeared, it could be because I know deep down that he is out there somewhere freaking out not being able to contact me, not being able to tell me what is going on with. There was nothing that explains his disappearance nothing at all no warning signs not a thing. It makes it harder to hate him and easier to hate myself for the message I have let and the things that I have done, even though everyone I know would not blame me for any of it I don’t even think he would blame me for any of it, yet here I am hating myself wanting everything to go back three months and take back those words I told him, take back saying ‘I love you’ take it back and see how it changes this whole mess, hoping that it would be better now, hoping he would still be in my life, but I can’t go back, I can’t change a thing I have to live with my choices. I have to live with the guilt and the shame and the hate and the regret. I have to live with it all, live with the pain, and the hurt, and the loss, I have to live with everything. I made my choices and I will live with them. It is all I can really do for now, there are still people that need me, my little brother most of all, my parents, my older brother and his new wife, I still have people counting on me to go through life, Jen and Aidan, they still need me and I guess there part of me still needs them too, I hate to rely on people it is part of what is making this so hard for me I have never felt like I have needed someone the way I needed Jon, the way I still need him. I need his arms around me to help me hold myself together to help me through this and he is not here, he will never be here again as far as I know and I need him so much more then I have ever felt like I have needed him before, and I still don’t get it, I am so independent that I don’t get why I need him so much why I feel I need the unconditional love that little Aidan gives me, why I need the disjointed love or whatever it was that Jon gave me, why I still crave for him to give me that, for why I still want him and wish for him to tell me that he loves me too, for why still although it has been two month I can’t move on and every time I try I just regret it more and hate myself more, how I read one of my favorite book series and wish I was back with Jon wish that I could have the love that the two main characters feel, hoping that like last year when I was in the depths of depression it would distract me and save me but see how it is doing the opposite but still can’t stop reading it, knowing that it is doing more harm than good but not caring not giving a shit what it is doing to me emotionally. I have to keep living that is all I really know, that and that there is a part of me that as my physical state weakens and my emotions continue to run amuck, a part that gets stronger as I get weaker that is ready to just give up and I almost feel that it will win, I am running out of strength and I can only hold on for so much longer, I need another savoir and I don’t want to look anymore, I want the original to come back and I have very little hope left of that happening, so I will just have to continue to push myself and fight that part for as long as I can, hoping that one day I will be able to hope that I will make it through this and that I will one day be able to put it behind me, but for now that is nowhere in sight and I just have to keep fighting as long as I can, as long as my body will last.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

This is a new direction I am thinking of going with ,my novel. I wrote this yesterday and think it will be a better beginning. I am thinking of making it chapter one though right now it is only two paragraphs.

I’m running, running, running. My lungs are burning; I can feel as my last breaths escape the depths of my lungs. It is so dark the sun disappeared hours ago. I had to get away, I had to get out of that place, I was sick of it, and it was killing me slowly from inside out. I felt like I was dying now but I knew it was the loss of breath. The sand beneath my feet was finally cooling; my feet no longer burned the soles. I knew I had a difficult journey ahead when I started and it was almost over. Running was what I was best at and although I could run forever I could feel my body weakening, it was a strange feeling and at first I could not tell what was happening it took me many hours to figure out that my energy level was depleting. I was out of water and food; I was in the desert running from society, running from the world. I saw the hole in the mountain and picked up my pace I was nearing a place of shelter a place I could stop, possibly I place I could call home, I was so close and then my foot caught on a rock, down I went and everything went dark…

I opened my eyes to two men standing over me, one much older than the other; they looked related, maybe father and son. Then I remembered where I was; who could live out here, no one lived out here, have I been found, are they going to drag me back? So many questioned ran through my head. My head hurt, my back hurt, I hurt all over, the ground was hard and I wanted to sit up. I was dizzy and weak and looking around knew I had not tripped on a rock, from what I could tell I must have just fallen. The younger of the two men step back as the other came closer to me. There were so many other questions and thoughts going through my head that I was unsure what to think of the man walking towards me. He looked kind and like he wanted to help me, but I did not know what was wrong with me, I did not know it I was injured badly or why I had even fallen in the first place. The man knelt down next to me and looked into my eyes. He felt my forehead and grabbed my arm revealing the huge scrap that was on it, blood dripped down my arm and was making a puddle in the sand; my arm was also sticky as sand mixed with the blood and stuck to my arm. My knees were also scrapped but not bleeding. The older man next to me looked at the younger and the younger handed him a bottle of water; the older man poured the water on my arm and then handed me another bottle to drink. I was still dizzy and light headed but the water definitely helped.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Two post one night, wow too bad they are both depressing. Oh well I wrote something very similar to this last year about this time. If I find the thing from last year I will post it to compare. I just wrote this and it is well yeah not real, just a creative outlet for my emotions.

The streets are empty I see no one. I only feel the cold, hard, wet rain on my skin; my cloths clinging to my body. The tears mixing with the rain, taste salty and acidy, stale and sweet. My bare feet hit the pavement with a thud. They hurt but I don’t care, why should I care, nobody cares. My hair hits my face; it’s cold and smells of the stale air. My lungs begin to burn; I push myself more and run faster my feet pounding against the cold, hard, wet pavement. The ringing in my ears is too much I clasp my hands over them hoping to make it go away but of course it does not go away, the ringing is in my head, it is with me where ever I go, it will never go away. Then bam the people in the streets are looking at me; staring at the crazy person running in the rain with no shoes and barely any clothes, soaked to the core from the constant down pour of rain. They all have umbrellas, they all are normal, they all are love, and they all have someone to care about them. The people came from nowhere they had not been there before, the ringing brought the people but the ringing is gone and the people are here. I can’t make sense of it; I don’t understand what is happening. I want the people to go away, I want them to stop staring, to stop looking like they care, they don’t care, NOBODY cares, no one knows. They just stare the people all they do is stare. STOP! I yell but no one seems to hear me, they just keep staring. GO AWAY! GO AWAY! GO AWAY! But still no they don’t listen they just keep staring. I close my eyes and keep running, just running, if they won’t stop staring I won’t look at them. The ringing is back, what is this damn ringing.The colors are pretty as I climb the mountain. The greens and browns and blues and whites and purples and reds all the reds. I feel the cold hard earth under my feet, it feels oddly like the pavement but I know it is not, it is the earth the side of the mountain I am climbing. I see grass up ahead I want to feel the soft grass under my feet. The rain still pours down on me. I stop to feel the soft green wet grass. I close my eyes and look up to the sky.The people are back. Those stupid evil people, but now they are looking up at me, my mountain is gone and I am on a building of the city I had run through. How did I get here, I do not remember, why can’t I remember. I don’t like it here I don’t want to be here. I look back up to the dark grey sky eyes open letting the rain hit my face.My mountain is back the people are gone, I am alone again, safe from the glaring eyes. The grass feels so soft. I look back up to the sky eyes closed and start to spin, spin, spin. The colors’ come back and I continue to spin. I do not get dizzy I just keep spinning, spinning, and spinning.I hear people shout NO STOP! I stop spinning and I am back on the building the people under me looking up looking worried. They can’t be worried, they don’t care. Yet they keep saying NO DON’T JUMP!, what do they care, they don’t care. I begin to spin again.I spin and spin and spin and spin. I just keep spinning letting the rain hit my skin, hit my clothes, and hit my soul. I could spin forever, I will spin forever. I am close to the edge of the building. The people get louder but I don’t listen.I and on top of the mountain just spinning spinning spinning. I go to the edge and spin off.I am falling. I hear music. I see colors. I feel rain and wind. I hear people yelling NOOOOOOOOOO! I want the music back it comes back. The colors are so pretty. The music so loud and peaceful. I am ready for this I have been ready for this. The spinning the falling mixes into one. I am falling. I am spinning. I am dying. I am happy. I am safe. It is over. The people voices fade in and out. The music gets louder.I am falling. I am falling. I am falling. I see the ground, the pavement the earth it is all mixed I don’t know which world I am in anymore. All I know is that I am falling. And then it all stops, the falling the spinning the music, the people, all of it, everything, it is all gone.Everything goes black. Everything stops. It is all over now. Everything is black. Everything is black.

I am dreaming of a better place, of a better time, of a better me. I am drifting through this world, through the good, through the bad, through the neutral. I see all, but feel nothing. I hear all, but can’t speak a word. My life has become a blur and nothing seems to matter. I lost my love and can’t seem to forget him. I don’t want him to go away, I want him back, I want him to be mine, and I just plain want him. I hate him for disappearing, and I hate him for leaving, and right now I just plain hate him, but I want him back so much. I am finding it really hard to live without know where he is or if he is okay. I have no distraction; there is nothing to distract me from this. No one can take the hurt away. I need him back, I want him back. I hate myself for trying to move on, I can’t really move on; no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to let him go, to let my feeling for him go.I’ve tried so hard to move on but I just can’t; I can’t get over this, I can’t move on.I feel myself being pulled into a dark place, a place that I know, a place that I don’t want to go back to, a place that he brought me out of, a place that he is sending me back to, a place that is horrible, a place that will one day be the death of me. I want to move on, I want to get over this, I want to live again, I want so much. I just can’t seem to find the happiness I once had, the happiness that not so long ago was with, the happiness that I had not had for long. I am giving up on everything for now, I just can’t take anymore hurt, anymore pain. I am letting the darkness take control, I am letting the hurt and pain control, I am letting it all just take me away.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

So last Saturday I took Aidan for a couple of hours. We were going to go to another jumping indoor playground but the one I knew how to get to ended up being closed so we played in the park all day instead. I picked him up at about 9am and we got to the park at about 9:30am. We played an the first playground we came to for about an hour and then decided to move on and see what else we could find.

We found a beach volleyball court and chose to play in the sand. We started to build a sandcastle. The sand on the top was dry but digging some up from underneath we found some nice wet sand to make our castle with. We only got to play in the sand for about half an hour because some other people came who wanted to pay volleyball and since we were just playing in the sand I told Aidan we had to go find something else to play with. He was perfectly okay with it. Don't you just love 3 year olds.So we walked over to the lake area that was not very far away. Aidan saw some ducks and decided to run after them. Then he found a stick that he threw around for a while, until it landed to far into the water to get. We then went walking around for a bit sliding our feet in the grass to get the mud off our shoes.We then found another playground and went to go play there for a while. After another hour of playing we decided to go see if the jumping place was open. It wasn't so we went to get lunch. We ate at Mc Donald's and there was a playscape so after eating Aidan played for a good half hour on the playscape.

We then went to the HEB Plus to get water and ice cream before going back to the park for a little. While in HEB Aidan got to show me how good he was at waiting. When we checked out the cashier gave him a Buddy Buck and we went to go play the machine but there was already a line of two children in front of us and one finishing up. He waited so quietly for his turn and never asked once if it was his turn. He is such a patient child.

We then headed back to the park where we ate our ice cream and played on a playground again. Then we went on a walk. We walked across a bridge that had rocks at the bottom that I let him explore on for a bit. Then when we were walking back to the car he saw some flowers that he wanted to pick. He is such a sweet little boy. After the flower picking it was back to the car and back home for Aidan. We had such a fun couple of hours. Another day will probably be in order sometime this summer.

Monday, May 4, 2009

With less then a week left of class and only two finals I am feeling good that this school year is almost over. I have had my personal drama and what not but the actual first year of college is so close to being over. I have decent grades in most of my classes and the few i don't I have opportunity to bring them up. I am ready to be done for a year. I am ready for my break. I am ready to get to work on building my financial freedom and success. I have two weeks left in my dorm and then it will be back to my parents, which I would normally not be excited about but with the circumstance I'm in I actually ok with it, I mean I get to work and make money and they will not make me pay rent or for food, I get to save the money I make for when I move out to Arizona and I will still be making money when I move and not have a "real job" I get to focus on studying and fun. My life is working out even though just a few short weeks ago I thought it would not. I mean I still miss Jon and no matter how hard I try to keep him off my mind it doesn't seem to work, but I'm working on it and it will take time to get over, I loved him, still love him and that is not something that just goes away. I am trying to see other people to help with that but it's hard to know what I want with things ending but not really ending, I kinda feel like I am cheating on him even though he is no longer part of my life, for all I know he is stuck somewhere that has no contact to the outside world worrying what I think has happened to him, but then he could just be being a jerk, i don't know and that is the problem. Oh well everything will work it's self out eventually.

So that is it for now, school almost over and trying really hard to move on with my love life.Aidan's Day to come soon.

About Me

I'm 22.Right now I am dealing with a lot. The loss of a love and the pain and hurt that comes with that. I am also trying to move forward so I have no clue what I am really doing. I am taking two classes per 10 week term and hopefully three per term soon and in the mist of all the stress still trying to work on my novel.