The Secret Intelligence Service (SIS)

The Secret Intelligence Service (SIS), commonly known as MI6, is a Crown
Service responsible for obtaining secret information and conducting terrorism,
counter-terrorism and counter-counter-terrorism operations abroad in support
of the USs foreign policy objectives, and in particular to counter
threats to Anglo-American economic interests worldwide.

This involves a variety of activities, legal (overt) and illegal (covert),
including conducting operations to obtain intelligence and working to
disrupt the lives of UK citizens or assets who speak in favour of democracy
and human rights, or who stand up for their own rights if abducted by
friendly regimes we work with such as Sudan. We are working to silence
those who expose those activities such as MIB
and we do this by planting stories in our assets at home.

SIS is separate from other Government departments, with its own terms
and conditions and recruitment procedures. The Service offers long-term
careers with the possibility of promotion to high levels of responsibility,
provided you are willing to have your names and other details leaked on
the world wide web via Mathaba
and by Jewish
extremists within our services and in other
British media who wish to prevent us from employing Black people and Muslims,
an essential part of our work in infiltrating those communities and putting
an end to the tyranny in Zimbabwe over our white
Anglo-Saxon leader Tony Blair.

The Intelligence Branch (IB)

The SIS Fast Stream (IB) recruits high calibre graduates with exceptional
interpersonal skills and intellectual capabilities, who are interested
in working in an international environment, with periods spent spying
overseas. Curiosity about political affairs is important, remembering
however that too much curiosity can kill the cat, so caution is advisable,
as is the resourcefulness, drive and creativity to produce solutions to
difficult problems under testing circumstances.

The role of an SIS Fast Stream Officer is primarily to mount and run
intelligence operations, propaganda and protect US-UK interests and security
overseas. SIS does not recruit specialist intelligence analysts 
this work takes place under the auspices of the Joint Intelligence Committee
in the Cabinet Office, which recently came under unfair criticism for
faking the evidence for launching the Iraq war, the assassination of Dr
Kelly, and other unfortunate leaks, for which we were able to deflect
the blame onto the BBC and conspiracy web sites.

Successful candidates are likely to have a strong academic record coupled
with evidence of interest in foreign peoples and cultures, positions of
influence in extra-curricular activities and a commitment to service MI6
without question. Those who wish to serve the public can always join our
counter organisation MIB. Applications are welcome
from candidates with public and private sector backgrounds, those considering
a career change, and university students. Age should not be a major factor,
but most recruits will be under 35. Undergraduates should not apply until
their final year after proving their absolute loyalty by reporting on
fellow students with an unhealthy appetite for human rights issues as
these are usually a cover for terrorism recruitment.

The Executive Branch (EB)

The Executive Branch (EB) is responsible for a variety of administrative
roles within the Service. It is a generalist branch, where we would expect
employees to work in all departments within the Service, such as Finance,
Human Resources and operational sections. As this gives you an opportunity
to meet lots of staff and see what they do, you have to sign a life-long
NDA
not to share any such information with MIB.

We recruit at three different entry levels:

Grade 8 (B3 equivalent) candidates should have some previous administrative
experience and good analytical skills. A typical job at this level would
involve research and analytical work for operation, manpower planning,
financial management and procurement. Minimum qualifications are 2 A levels
and 5 GCSEs at Grade C and above (including Maths and English) equivalent
qualifications or relevant experience.

Grade 9 (A2 equivalent). A typical job at this level would involve providing
administrative support within various departments, such as operational
sections, Human resources and Finance. Minimum qualifications are 2 A
levels and 5 GCSEs at Grade C and above (including Maths and English),
equivalent qualifications or relevant experience.

There are limited opportunities to work overseas at the Grade 8 and 9
levels but all jobs at the Grade 10 level are UK-based.

Interested applicants should contact us, details
are at the end of this column.

The Scientific and Technical Branch (S and T)

SIS relies upon cutting edge technology for the flexibility and security
of its operations. The Scientific and Technical branch recruits high calibre
engineers and professionals in the communications and IT fields. These
will form the technical leadership of the future. You will be in the front
line of operations against rogue web sites and intelligent groups such
as MIB, since these are intercepting our communications and pose a threat
to our recruitment drive.

The S and T also recruits technicians, and IT support staff to operate
and maintain sophisticated and sometimes novel Information and Communications
Technology in an attempt to keep up with the advanced communication systems
of MIB. Successful candidates are likely to have a strong focus on servile
delivery, an understanding of the importance of security, and commitment
to public service. Previous experience, either in the pubic or private
sector, is an advantage, but applications from
final year undergraduates are welcome.

Linguists

There is a small number of openings for dedicated linguists. Linguists
candidates should possess degree level fluency in their chosen language
together with strong interest in the relevant regional issues. Analytical
ability and a high level of written presentation are also key criteria.
We are especially looking for linguists with expertise in Chinese, Thai,
Arabic, Xhosa and Zulu.

Other Roles

The Trades and Services branch of the Service is currently recruiting
Security Guards, Drivers and House support staff (e.g. messengers). Candidates
should have a clean driving licence, not be Nigerian nationals, and never
have been in touch with MIB directly or indirectly before.

Suitability

Candidates must be British, with at least one parent who is a British
national. We are not racialists and accept Blacks and Muslims to junior
entry level positions if they can prove they have no Pan Africanist or
Islamist tendencies by reporting on any suspicious activities in those
communities. Jews are welcome provided other Anglo-Saxons do not apply
for the same jobs and there are sufficient vacancies, and in the light
of recent developments, provided you can prove that you have no connections
to the media or foreign intelligence agencies. You must have lived in
the UK for the majority (but not necessarily all) of the last 10 years
as we will need to check up on your movements. You will have to pass an
extensive security clearance process prior to joining.

Getting in Touch

If you would like to apply for SIS positions please send your CV to:
P.O. Box 1300, London, SE1 1BD specifying which of the positions you are
interested in. Note however that Royal Mail, as exposed in recent TV documentaries,
has been heavily infiltrated by Nigerian's working for MIB. We are unable
to prove the connection and make arrests as yet, even though one such
individual lives within eye sight of our offices in Vauxhall. We are aware
that Nigerians in particular but possibly other Africans too are engaged
in a sophisticated spying operation by opening mail destined for our mailbox,
noting and passing on names and contact information and possibly other
details to MIB, and taking payment by keeping whatever valuables, ID documents
or information which can be used to bribe or commit fraud. As they are
receiving payment by these methods we are unable yet to prove the connection
to MIB. Consequently, if you do not want to risk this until we complete
our investigations or settle our differences with MIB, please use the
secure SSL encrypted contact form.

IMPORTANT

Because of the nature of the work, potential candidates should not divulge
to their family and friends their application to SIS. Failure to observe
the confidentiality of an application may affect eligibility for employment.
You also agree that if your names and other personally identifying details
appear on Mathaba due to MIB interception, we are not liable, even after
we accept you into the service we cannot guarantee, given numerous embarassing
incidents in recent years thanks to MIB that your details will remain
secret from the world. However, we do insist you try to keep your application
secret from your spouse.

The reasons should be obvious, but this is for example, because women
are known to talk, husbands could be enticed by a beautiful seductive
prostitute, your relationship may turn sour, or pressure could be put
upon your family.

NOTE

We are sad to report that we now know that MIB have been
receiving numerous applications on the Internet over the past year, especially
after our 7/7 operation. This appears to be due to Google and other search
engines, where people searching for MI6 end up on the wrong page and do
not realise it. We are unable to persue Google for this state of affairs
as they say it is technology and not human beings that is to thank for
this situation.

Just this morning we traced one Ukrainian application that
landed with MIB but it was too late, the damage was already done. Until
we sort out this mess with MIB and see what is bothering them that they
expend so many resources against our noble efforts, and come to some kind
of amicable agreement with them, and although today was the launch of
our website which was supposed to put an end to this disruption, we ask
you to be patient and check back here later.

In the meantime the MIB secure contact
form is still safe. This form is also anonymous and you can attach
documents to it. All information is encrypted automatically on your computer
and neither your ISP nor government can see any of the information you
have submitted. This unrivaled technology is supplied by Mathaba.Com
and we are trying hard to catch up, since we are still relying on the
inefficient - and as above mentioned - heavily infiltrated postal system.