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4/13/2013

Lecturer meets Nurturer or, Dr. House meets Dolly Parton

Today's letter is L and so we're looking at a match between the Lecturer, Dr. Gregory House, and Nurturer Dolly Parton.The Lecturer personality, also known as a professor type, is most often
a male personality type, a thinker rather than a feeler, and who often has a
unique viewpoint. Books and movies featuring this personality type include
disaster and survival stories; detective/mystery stories; science fiction and
horror stories. Are these the genres of stories you favor? You might have this
personality type. Read more about the Lecturer personality.

The Nurturer
personality is also a Matriarch, a Diva, a Guardian Angel or Fairy
Godmother; a Nurse; a Cook; a Sidekick or friend; a Mother; a Stage Mother; a
Matchmaker. She’s a lot of things, but what they all have in common is that she
takes care of the young, sick, helpless and elderly. Denying her own needs
(yes, men can also have this personality type, but most often, nurturers are
women), they’re always helping others, but find it hard to ask for help when
they need it. Beneath it all, they secretly hope that someone will notice their
sacrifices and reward them with Diva treatment.

Books and movies featuring the Nurturer include themes of
keeping the family together through thick and thin; making a fine home despite
a single mother’s loneliness (through death or divorce) or health issues. The
book or movie will open after a sudden hardship, whether financial, the loss of
a mate, or both. Other themes include a magical mother figure (Mary Poppins;
The Sound of Music; Touched by an Angel) who makes life better.

Sometimes, the
nurturing personality is portrayed as a domineering mother type. Families with
domineering mothers need to give her the pampering she doesn’t realize she needs,
and she’ll back down. Read more about aNurturer personality.

What might a pairing
between Lecturer and Nurturer look like? It’s a frequent match, and a match
of opposites.

She’s a people person, whereas he’s more of a loner. She’s
actually the most extended toward others of all personality types, and he’s the
most contracted. She’s all emotion, and he’s all thought, and she doesn’t mind
that. It helps to calm and steady her, with her big feelings. She likes that he
decides things for himself, rather than altering himself in order to placate
her. She likes that he freely goes his own way, independently of her wishes.
Most precious of all to her, for someone like she, who is bound to relationships, is his emotional
immunity from what others think. He couldn't care less.

From his side, he’ll love her open-hearted generosity, and
her willingness to engage with life and activity. She’ll speak for him at
parties until the conversation turns to something he’s intellectually
interested in. Otherwise, he’s a non-talker.

They can look like they’re from a different species. She
likes going out, enjoys small talk, and claims that feelings are a useful
source of information. She moves toward people to interact; he moves away from
them, to analyze and think. This can create a balanced life, or it can turn into
a tug-of-war of her wanting emotional contact, and him wanting only to withdraw.

He needs someone to pursue him, and she’s up to the
challenge. Even to opening his feelings, which is significant, coming from someone who doesn’t believe feelings are
important, but only rational thought. If she can get him to respond, she wins.

She’d make his house a home
(which he would never do), and even spruce up the way he dresses, and what he
eats. He’d be truly grateful for her attentions.

He finds relating to people difficult, and so when he finds a relationship that works, he’s loyal. She’s a
talker, and he’s a good listener. She’s volatile, and he’s calm. In a crisis, he’ll have better judgment.

Sometimes, he’s too calm, even unresponsive, which feels like
rejection to the nurturer. It’s not that he doesn’t care; he just doesn’t see
detachment as deprivation. He doesn’t see big emotions as proof of caring. In
fact, he might see them as instability. Feeling unlovable, she might hover and
cajole, which will cause him to withdraw even more.

He’s someone who needs his
independence, as well as to feel like he’s competent to live alone without
anyone’s help. But she feels she has no value unless she’s helping others.

It
would help if he realized that she needs only to be reassured that she’s loved,
and she would give him more of the space he needs. If he could just find the feelings that she’s pushing for, and if she could then pull back, allowing enough emotional space for
him to move forward, really, all would be well.

The worst thing for him, when feeling things, which is so uncomfortable to him, is to withdraw physically to go and think about it. It's his natural inclination, but it would be far better to stay, feel and discuss. It would make all the difference for her. Contrary to what he believes, feelings do matter.

If he simply cannot stay in the moment with her, second best would be setting a time to discuss it. Knowing that the issue will not be forgotten, she will feel
reassured.