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roll over
hide my head beneath the pillow
and urge the sun to turn in its direction
push back the realization
and deny the day
remove the future from the plan

this day has not come,
will not come,
cannot come
too soon has this dawn broke.
years have disappeared before my very eyes
and “they are only this age once”
echos thru my head.

a boy!
with a chin and lesser cheeks and one missing front tooth
has snuck his way into my home.
with ideas and stories and memories of his own
he has replaced his infancy
leaving me hiding beneath the blankets
willing the clock to stop

delay his growth?
for me?
just for awhile?
let me catch up
for I’m several seasons behind.
seven years has passed like two
and found me bewildered.

and so bright rays, with your attempt at cheerfulness
(while bringing the day of my discontentment)
i will awake but only to bask in the glory of my own son

You think you know someone. You enter into a commitment under the assumption that it is forever and believing they feel the same way. You never imagined they would for one second betray you or not be there for you when you need it the most.

Sure there was that one time when he cracked under pressure, but who doesn’t make a mistake? And I accepted it as a mistake and continued to honor my commitment. I didn’t just throw our relationship aside for another one. Okay, I came close…talked to someone once to find out what our split would cost…but did I go through with it? NO! Because I upheld my end of the deal and never gave up on you! I wanted things to work out!

But this is the third “crack” in several months. And this one is so big! I just can’t believe it. You’ve given up on me? On what we had? Wasn’t I always there for you? Sure, maybe I didn’t keep things as shiny and new as I used to but we’ve been togther for awhile…I thought we were just comfortable with each other? Maybe I let things go….maybe it was my fault. But at least I didn’t just give up. I still appreciated you and what you did for me.

Please, friends and family, don’t think I didn’t try…I really did. But I can’t take it anymore, this is goodbye.

my expression of faith
harder than i thought
to explain my joy, my understanding
the hope and peace i’ve sought

from perfection we originate
flawless are our souls
losing sight of our true selves
letting go of those controls
handing over to the world
the vision we once held
the light of glory once inside
now is being quelled
the living, breathing pulse
the energy that’s He
the force that lives inside us all
the spirit that i see
He did not call us all to change
He created us His way
gave us our own spirits
will give us our own day
He is creativity
He makes the sun arise
He makes the birds, the bugs, the trees
all before our eyes
He is the osmosis
the rising of the moon
the face of ever-changing
the force behind the blooms
He is the endless muse
the very first “unique”
He is the valley low
He is the mountain peak
He is the bird a-chirping
He is the lion’s roar
He is the baby crying
He is the old mans snore
He’s the knots in your stomach
the tightening of your chest
the gut reaction, the intuition
leading your sweet ques
tHe’s the singer and the songwriter
the actor and the play
the notes of inspiration
the choirs gentle sway
He’s everything that’s written
for every book He wrote
every word of soulful guidance
and every single quote
every interpretation
everything you see
happened for a reason
was simply meant to be

so what has He told you?
your own message to proclaim
for as unique as we all are
how could we praise the same?

[I’ve tried for years to fully express my love and gratitude to my “other” dad, but it is incredibly hard to express what you can’t fully understand. And so comes this cheesy piece of childish crap, but it’s really the best I could do, cuz Dad, your beyond words.]

Our biggest fan
And biggest fear
The first real man we did hold dear
You drew us close
Let us belong
And with your love you made us strong
Never a question
Never a waver
In the blink of an eye
You gave us favor
Where others failed
You gave no doubt
You stepped into their place
When they fell out
You did not have to love us
Or pull us through
Precisely why,
We all love you

So I was watching “So You Think You Can Dance”…I don’t know why but I always get sucked into the auditions but lose interest in the actual competition.

Anyway, there was a girl on there that was, well….unique. She had this red/orange/bleachy looking hair and a very eccentric attitude. Instantly I loved her. You could tell dance was her self-expression. And through the choreography, you could see her start to break down. She just couldn’t do it. They put her up on the chopping block because of it and asked her to redeem herself by dancing in her style to prove she could dance. And well, she went nutsy. Flailing, running, really indistinguishable.

But here’s what resignated with me: They called her crazy and she was thankful for that. She said she felt like she was losing herself in the choreography and admitted her craziness and even looked relieved when they cut her. (I was PMSing so I cried with her. It was great. )

And then I started thinking. Do I love me enough to lose a huge opportunity because it might make me a little more like the rest of the world?

For those that really know me…I’m crazy, obsessive, confrontational, passionate, a bit psychotic, an emotional wreck, eclectic…or at least I used to be and still am somewhere inside. But you know what? I love me. God made me the way I am. He gave me my passions, He gave me my individuality, He told me to stand out. And yet I find myself losing touch with me for who others think I should be.

So this is who I am, this is my “coming out”…

I am mismatched socks and funky layers and clashing patterns-even when I don’t dress it.
I am emotional and passionate.
I am a “Christian” with a different understanding than most will ever know or accept.
I am many negative attributes that occasionally do right.
I am hard to understand and feel no compulsion to explain.
I am spiritual and everchanging.
I enjoy wearing different hats.
I enjoy fitting into different boxes.
I enjoy all 458,698,328,658 of my personalities.
I cannot dance or sing but I still will.
I cannot make art or music but I feel it.
I am sensitive and intuitive.
I feel and see peoples spirits.
I hurt easily and take insignificance to heart.
I love and trust and smile at strangers.
I love and hate all things.
I thrive on exploration and growth.
I am a treehugging, health-nutting, one love hippie.
I care too much what others think and often don’t care at all.
I get depressed easily.
I can feel on top of the world or under your shoe in the same day.

The voice of opposition, whether internal or external, buries our intention, out intuition, our sense of purpose in the task. Often times the voice manifests itself as self-doubt, crawling in as a whisper steadily escalating into a roar. Sometimes it is an obstacle, a barrier or criticism. A simple “No”, a fear or a physical or mental inability. Other times, a mere distraction, your mission or goal starting off with a fiery passion only to fizzle in the day-to-day mundane.

In each scenarios, we are failures. Not in the grandiose way of the Titanic sinking. But in the simple avoidance of a solution.

See every seed planted, every idea, goal, task, every inspiration regardless of size came from a Grand Muse. One who does not carelessly sow. And we allow that spark of brilliance to burn out. Sure, that wall may seem too tall to climb or life may just be too hectic. But what are we to say at our account when looking back we see just how simple it could have been. Especially when put into execution by a master design.

What must be done or said in every situation is unmistakeably easy. Visually knock down that wall of opposition, verbally bash self-doubt, speak the desired goal and watch it move toward finish. We have been given a great gift. In our souls is the key to fruition. It is the image we are made in. By recognizing our spiritual connection with God on an earthly level, we simply must call it out of ourselves. Through His spirit, he fills ours with power and ability. We are intrinsically a part of Him and He a part of us. The bible says he knows the desire of our hearts, yet still says to ask. It is the power of profession. In our voice, our tongue, our words or spoken thoughts and wishes.

And to get off on a tangent… between my rekindled art of organized thought, my green tea and my own words, I’ve been thinking and growing. What sets us apart? We are organic, living, breathing mammals similar to many other creatures. What is different in us? What tangible evidence sets us above or separate?

It is our spirit, which is our thought, our voice, our intelligence, our creativity. The image we are made in is neither organic nor human, but emotional, mental energy. Everything has an energy, or exists. But we live! We feel, grow, change and create. We as humans with a Godly image have the knowledge to build, design, learn.

And it is a great responsibility, this mental capability that sets us above. It creates a choice. As organic beings, we would not be aware of an outside impact, only our singular existence, like an animal who eats, sleeps, exists rarely thinks outside of itself with the exception to offspring, but acts on instinct. But as spiritual, intellectual and emotional energy inside of organic beings, we must admit the intertwining of our lives with our surroundings.

Which leads to a great abuse of such heavenly power. The morality of being spiritual is often tossed aside. And the idea of being intellectual takes precedence. Those who deny the spiritual responsibility altogether for the intellectual benefits of creativity. And then the question is then, because we can, should we?

God giving us a choice does not say God appeals to both options.

But back to my first point: all power, life, death, creativity, ostracism, encouragement, wisdom, foolishness, and ability lies in our tongue. For our tongue releases words emanating from thought, which emanate from emotion, which emanate from spirit, which emanates from God.

I love the bond I have with my sister, Leah. She really is my best friend. We can tell each other everything, even stuff that may piss the other off. We’ve been in two major fights. Both of them almost resulted in two body bags, but we made it good again. Because we love each other. And without a sister, what do you have?

I recently watched my friends four girls. They are all so bright and diverse. The only problem I had, that broke my heart was their relationship with each other. Okay, granted their all under 10 y.o. That was the only thing I had to talk to them about, how important it is to not hurt someone who is so special, how one of God’s greatest gifts is the friendship in sisters.

The other thing about my sister that I love, is that we make a great pair. We balance each other out and we both have some great similarities. Well, we’re gorgeous for one thing. And when I’m uptight, she’s laid-back. When she’s insecure, I take the lead. When one of us needs a laugh, we get it. And we can read each other minds, faces, thoughts, actions, lives.

There are two things that stand out the most when I think of my sister. In all the millions of wonderful memories, attributes, similarities and bonds, I don’t know why these two stand out but they do.

The first, my sister and I both have vivid, prophetic dreams. My sister actually has had visions right before her eyes. I don’t know why this is so special to me. Probably because its one of things I love the best about myself and to find the same gift in my sister is awesome! Just within the past few weeks, she and I had dreams about certain people and warned that these people might resurface and they did, within a few days. I just love that, that we’re both so cool.

The second is the memory of when she called me at 4 in the morning. I never, never, never, never hear the phone in my sleep. I sleep through natural disasters, a phone does not wake me up. But my sister does. I answered automatically, when I usually screen during early or late hours. She was calling to tell me that our brothers wife’s sister had died. Now whats weird about this is that as much as we love and are there for John and Tracy, I hardly knew Tracy’s sister. But instantly I knew why she called and shot up in bed. It wasn’t the fact that she was hurting or thought I would hurt. It was the thought of losing your sister and as suddenly as it had been in this case. She thought of losing me and when she told me the news it was the first thought I had. And she didn’t even need to tell me how she felt. I knew exactly why she was calling. Because I would have immediately called her. It’s our way of saying “I love you, I’m glad this isn’t us and I’m glad I have you as a sister” without actually saying it. We can just …”read it” in each other voices.

I love my sister and on the eve of her move to MI, she has been on my mind alot lately. I have expressed to her several times how I feel about her. I laughed the last time, because she called and yelled at me for making her cry! But even though I’ve told her countless times how special she is to me, I just don’t feel like I can express it justly.

I’m really going to have a hard time when she leaves. I’m trying my best to be supportive and happy, because this is an exciting time for her. I don’t want to bog it down with my worries. But I’m going to miss her tremendously. I’m not really sure if it has sunk in completely yet.

I confronted a business woman regarding a contract she tried to renege on and won. That was terrifying, I don’t know why. Probably having to admit I don’t know what I’m doing, don’t know any of corporate terminology, am just a hippie with a dream. But I won, so ha!

I’ve been productive this week. Getting things done, forgetting less than normal. I love my To Do list in my Palm.

I’ve been handling Zeb better. More patient. Less snappy. He’s such a sensitive kid, his mood is directly affected by mine. If I’m patient and well, better…so is he. If I’m distracted, or in a bad mood, so is he. I love his sensitivity, the way he reacts to surrounds, others moods. He’s an old soul too. It shows that he is instinctual, which is exciting for me. Hopefully he has the same gifts the rest of the women in our family have.

I think all of this is because I’ve been feeling less tired, falling asleep faster, resulting in a clearer mind. And all of that started when I started drinking 2-3 glasses of green tea every day! I marvel every time I think of what Gd has given us, put on earth for our use, health, benefit. Phenomenal, really. I started drinking so much stinking tea after my ob-gyn told me just how high-risk I am for certain types of cancers. It scares the shit out of me, to put it in no uncertain terms. But I know Gd gave me a million things to decrease my risk and I’m trying to let go of things I have little control over and take control in areas I do have control in.

So, the point to all this is this:
If you want to be more successful, be a better parent, have happier children, stay healthy, and worship Gd….DRINK YOUR GREEN TEA! haha

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I'm a life coach, writer, and a lover of travel, good wine, colorful hair, and my brand new cello. I've written the Digging Deep Toolbox, showing people how to overcome the bullshit that keeps them stuck and I talk about living an incredible life. Complete with Bucket Lists that actually get finished and relationships that leave us laughing more than fighting. Read more about me...

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Who Is The Organic Sister?

About Me

I'm Tara Wagner, creator of Digging Deep, and a mentor and guide to women in the process of changing their lives from the inside out (but finding themselves confronting blocks or self-sabotage that arise along the way).
Read more about me here...

This site has been retired to the archives as I move over to xoTara.us

Are you a female entrepreneur ready to overcome Imposter Syndrome and overwhelm, and finally execute on the projects you keep putting off, so you can scale your business without scaling your stress? #CrushYourGoalsNotYourSoul