Friday, June 22, 2007

Tom Feeney: Hair Product Abuser

That's Tom Feeney, above, the Florida representative and erstwhile Jack Abramoff golfing partner. I've been looking at pictures of the not-at-all crazy-looking Republican, and I've come to the conclusion that he may have the worst manhair in Congress. The really heartbreaking thing is that it doesn't have to be that way!

Here's the problem: Mr. Feeney seems to apply gobs of sticky gel to his curly tresses, and must be doing so without the knowledge of his hairdresser. He's hairdo hotdogging, in other words. See the blobby mass for yourself:

Ew, right? And see, since his otherwise perfectly fine hair is a little on the thin side, the gooey gel makes it clump together, allowing generous portions of his scalp to show through. This is NOT cute:

See? You can see the whole roundness of his scalp! And if there were no product, or different product, and cut a little shorter, it wouldn't do that! I'm very upset about this!

This man clearly has problems:

Honey, please see a professional for hair product advice STAT! Oh, and good luck with that FBI investigation thingy, too.

If he were African American, I think this would be a Red Alert Jeri Curl incident.

Let this be a warning to folks of all races, creeds and colors. The person who sells you Activator is not your friend.

But if the Princess would use her unmatched Photoshopping skills, I think we would see that in the top picture, even with John Edwards' perfect manly haircut, the rest of Feeney's face would still say "heat stroke" and "bughouse crazy".

Let's face it. The man has a big muff of pubic hair on his head.You can grease it up all you want, but I bet on closer examination each strand is tri-cornered and subject to unexpected twists and turns.When I was young there was a kid named Chris Geppert who played in a lot of local garage bands. He had the same hair and we called him "Pubic Head."He grew up to be Christopher Cross and he has the same mound as this guy.