Presenting the award for BEST TEAM, here is the greatest manager on planet Earth...the legendary Sir Alex Ferguson of Manchester United FC.

Sir Alex Ferguson: “To be call’d tha’ greatest football team in tha’ world is somethin’ ev’ry club strives fer. ‘At’s why we’ve won it 29 straight years, even when tha’ officials shafted us match after match and Ashley Williams started peggin’ our lads in the noggin, ‘bout to kill our best players...we’ve overcome time and time ag’in and are always considered the best.

"So, on behalf of Manchester United, I ‘cept this award...(looks offstage) What? We didn’t win? Ya sayin’ we haven’t bloody won this ‘ward ever? I’m presentin’, not acceptin’?... ‘Go home, I’m drunk?’ What kind of place is this? (steps away from the microphone) Ya mean I’m not at a FA banquet? Well who in the bloody ‘ell have I been sending these checks to? D'ye speck me to sit o’er 'ere and be gabbered aboo' wi' nonsense li' that?” (PLEASE STAND BY)

(Sir Alex continues to scream Scottish gibberish as highlights of Messi and Company roll across the screen. Security takes the red nosed one off-stage. Bho leaps up and screams something like “THE CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE PUT YOU OUT!” Security picks him up from his table on their way out with SAF, royal blue tux and liquor-soaked puffy jacket fading into the darkness.)

And, now, presenting the award for MOST ENTERTAINING TEAM, the most entertaining man in all of soccer...Eddie “Grown arse Man” Johnson of Seattle Sounders FC and the United States Men’s National Team.

(GAM drops the microphone and stares down the crowd as he sidesteps out of view.)

Up next, the MOST UNDERRATED TEAM award. This award is so underrated that we forgot to even invite the nominees. I mean, they’re underrated, right? We should give them more respect, but they slip our minds from time to time. So, just put your hands together for...Juventus.

We continue tonight’s awards ceremony with the MOST DISAPPOINTING TEAM award. Because apparently no one likes handing out awards for disappointments (even Andy Carroll) I’ll just do the honors by announcing the winner...Liverpool.

(Knowing that he has to go back to the Emirates with a trophy of some kind, Arsene Wenger jumps a oddly beaming Brendan Rodgers and wrestles away the award from him. The two managers get in a fistfight on stage, but neither of them has it in them to win the fight. After a few awkward minutes of even fighting, Rodgers and Wenger roll off of the stage and crash through Cristiano Ronaldo’s table. Ronaldo pouts McKayla Maroney Style, upset that he didn’t get an award, either.)

And now, a special video presentation. The following match was able to capture this year’s MATCH OF THE YEAR and BEST COMEBACK awards. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s relive the exciting moments of...Manchester City vs. Queens Park Rangers, the EPL 2011-12 finale!

(After the video ends, Sergio Aguero sprints up to the front to accept the awards for Manchester City. But, out of nowhere, a man with a terrible fake accent goes studs up and takes Aguero out before he can get to the stage. It’s Joey Barton! Security promptly red cards him and sends him back to Marseille.)

And, before our first intermission of the ceremony...presenting the award for BIGGEST UPSET...a member of the UK Music and US Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Mr. Rod Stewart! Rod Stewart: Thank you, thank you. And...the... (sniffles)...winner...(tears stream down his face)...is...Celtic over Barcelona...someone get me a tissue...(breaks down as the highlights roll)