Mad Men devotees everywhere, rejoice — the pun-tastic Matthew Weiner will reward your anticipation tonight with a two-hour season premiere of the show that introduced us to the man-quicksand that is Jon Hamm's stubbled face. Among the rampant speculation about season five that will be temporarily quelled and then re-ignited after the premiere, rumor has it that we could see a Don and Joan hook-up this go-round, though this is hardly the only sexcapade possibility Weiner and his team of scribblers may have devised. But who cares what might actually happen over the course of the season — wouldn't you rather speculate wildly about liaison scenarios so remote, so outrageous that nobody except a crazed person strung out on instant coffee and gummy worms could think of them? Sure you are.

A spoiler alert is in order, but if you haven't been keeping up with Mad Men, I can only assume that means one of two things: you don't watch television or you're a procrastinator, since the show's been on an 18-month hiatus. Either of those things are fine except that, many years from now, when you're on your deathbed croaking out your final breath, it'll hit you that you should have watched more Mad Men. Then you'll die.

Pete and Salvatore: Salvatore makes a stunning reappearance on the show when he meets Pete sulking in a bar. The two have a few drinks, get a little giggly, and then Salvatore leans in and tells Pete that he can get him the big Noxzema account because he was banging some guy at Noxell. Pete gets all saucer-eyed and says that he'd do anything to land the Noxzema account. "Anything?" asks Salvatore, raising one single eyebrow.

Peggy and Bert: Bert returns to the mix when he calls up Peggy to tell her how much he respects her work and how his leaving SCDP had nothing to do with her — it was all that overbearing, egomaniacal Don Draper that drove him to it. Anyway, he tells her, he's looking to start a brand new ad agency and he'd like to gauge her interest over dinner. Don's taken the credit for Peggy's latest project, so she's pretty pissed and agrees to dinner, where she and Bert get tipsy over really expensive wine and discover a shared interest in contemporary art. Peggy says she'd like to sleep with Bert, it's just that, well, she isn't sure about getting near his old balls. Bert assures her, "My dear, I haven't got any balls."

Trudy and Betty: Trudy and Betty run into each other at a Westchester (right?) social event that Pete bailed on at the very last minute, which is really the last straw for Trudy because he hasn't been helping at all with the baby. Betty, meanwhile, has realized how bland and uninteresting Henry Francis is. The two somehow get to talking while waiting in the cocktail line. They remember each other vaguely from Roger Sterling's racist garden party and exchange some gossip, eyeing each other with increasing boldness. Then Betty takes Trudy aside and says that maybe it's time for her to try ladies. Trudy says, "Wha?" but before she can cross her T, she and Betty are in the bathroom, totally making out.

Sally and one of Lane's sons: Lane has kids, right? They're probably teenagers and Sally is definitely well into her adolescence unless she's mired in some sort of strange, television age-stasis like Lisa Simpson. Lane's son will probably visit and charm Sally with his British accent. They'll have awkward teenage sex that gets interrupted by an even more awkward Henry Francis.

Megan and Ken: After marrying Don, Megan gets super bored of him because he's really not that interesting out of the SCDP pitch room. Since Don made her a copywriter, she's still in the office like all the time and one day, when everyone else is out to lunch, she strikes up a conversation with Ken, who's feeling the heat now that Pete Campbell mysteriously nabbed the Noxzema account. They talk about stuff. She swats at a fly and makes an offhand comment in French. Ken responds in French. They exchange a meaningful glance and then Megan asks Ken where he learned French. Ken says he's from Vermont and used to go up to Montreal with his friends for the strip clubs and basically legal marijuana all the time. Megan says that she's French Canadian. Ken answers, "OMG that's such a coincidence!" Megan says, "There are no coincidences." Then they do it.

Joan and Lane: Joan and Lane have come to professionally respect one another so much that they start taking lunch together all the time...in the Playboy Club, where Lane gives Joan sidelong looks and asks her stuff like, "Are you sure you're into this?" Joan says that she totally is. Eventually the two find some underground Manhattan sex club, Lane gets in over his head with a bondage orgy, and Joan has to bail him out and smooth talk a burly Romanian into not whipping Lane with a cat ‘o nine tails. And she still makes it home before her sitter has to leave.

Don and Roger: You had to see this coming — Don and Roger have fully repaired their strained friendship. They hang out all the time because they don't love their wives. After drinks one Friday, Roger tells Don that Jane's out town visiting relatives somewhere that's at least a full-day's train ride from New York and that he should totally come over for a mantastic slumber party. Don shrugs and says okay because married life is still somehow unfulfilling. Later that night, Don arrives at Roger's house, but drops his overnight bag on the floor when he realizes that Roger isn't wearing any pajamas at all. Roger asks, "What d'ya think?" and Don does his patented eyebrow raise/ear pullback to indicate that he is both shocked and strangely aroused.