7 Signs of Sambo Syndrome and Kewn Disorder

You know that one uncle who’s strung out on crack but is always beating the family down that he doesn’t have a problem? Meanwhile he has four teeth and can fit through the crack in a door while it’s closed. That’s some of y’all. You show all the signs that you’re in the running for Massa’s MVP but swear you ain’t coonin’. But since I’m all about helping my people however hopeless they may seem, I’ve put together a list of the symptoms of Sambo Syndrome (aka Coon Caping) you may be ignoring:

1. When tragedy strikes the black community, your first concern is how your expressions of outrage will be received by your white friends and family.

This one is first on the list because it’s the most common and the most severe. It’s a true sign that the Syndrome has consumed you. Never mind the fact that black people are being extrajudicially executed by those sworn to protect and serve, Mary Sue and Bob may not have you over for their monthly game night anymore once you publicly declare that you are outraged by Tamir.

2. You have ever agreed with Stephen A. Smith on matters of race.

Unabashed bootlicking aside, how could you look at a person with a haircut that pays homage to George Jefferson and Michael Evans simultaneously and think he could ever be right about anything? I mean, this man is all about respectability politics, but his barber doesn’t even respect his hairline. Just an FYI for future reference, when a black man responds to criticism from the black community with “I don’t give a damn…,” just know he means that.He actually defended and explained Mark Cuban equating a black man in a
hoodie with a white skinhead. If you need further explanation on why this is insanity, I have no hope for your recovery.

3.You tell black people what they need to do to gain white people’s respect.

I know you coons crave white approval like a dry scalp craves Sulfur 8, but you motherfuckers need to STOP IT! White people’s approval is not currency. You cannot use it to negotiate a better position. It’s fragile and betraying. You’ll gain it and lose it in the same breath. You will never gain equality, and more importantly equity, from their approval. It only serves as a false protection from the violent oppression reserved for non-conforming blackness. Regardless of how black people dress, speak, wear our hair, support ourselves or use our bodies, white people will not respect us. It is not advantageous to them socially, politically or financially to do so. And I am fuckless (giving no fucks) when it comes to how they believe we must present to them to earn their respect. If you too are not bankrupt of fucks about their criteria for black people to be treated as human beings, you have reached master level coonin’.

4. Your cape comes out as soon as black people use the term “white people” without qualifiers.

As my mother would say when she’d had enough of me, “Sit your ass down somewhere!” Listen, when white people talk about the ills of our community (bookmark this bullshit), they don’t use qualifiers like a few, some or most, so I will not use these qualifiers for them. When I’m discussing collective black pain, I’m holding all of their asses responsible. And I don’t need you, Uncle Ruckus, coming in reminding me of how your white best friend has always been there for you, or how your white husband volunteers to read Dr. Seuss at a school on the south side. If there were really so many good white people who are fed up with this racist machine, the system of oppression would have ended long ago because we all know that what white people want, white people get.

5. You value white people’s input on black issues.

When white people start speaking about what black people need to do, I think, “Yes, teach me to walk, fish.” I wonder where they got this intimate knowledge of the structure and problems in the black community. Was it that one time they went to the “bad part of town” for Markell’s birthday party? Or was it that one time Juice was on HBO late night and they caught it? Perhaps it was when they attended the Black History Month program at little Sarah’s school where the kids reenacted a day in the life of a slave. Ahhhh, yes, it’s because they “grew up around black people. All white people aren’t born with silver spoons.” Except growing up in the jungle doesn’t make you a tree, just like growing up in a black neighborhood doesn’t make you black. If your response to white people when they start doling out unsolicited suggestions for solving the black problem is anything other than shutting that shit down, you are on your way to being Clayton Bigsby.

6. You’re American, not black.

First, I want someone to break down the difference in nationality and race for you so you’ll understand that one does not negate the other. Then I want you to take your American–without-qualifiers ass into a white neighborhood and knock on a random door. You’ll be taught very quickly that you’re not American but black. Now you can take a Spalding onto the football field, but you’ll be the only one playing basketball. You can distance yourself from that melanin all you want, but like a crazy ex, it will keep showing up to remind you that you’ll always be together.

7. You tell other black people of the progress we’ve made.

First of all, WE ain’t made shit! There have always been intelligent, qualified black people. White people accepting us into their institutions and bestowing their honors upon us is not a sign that black people have worked hard and done better. It’s a sign that white people feel like we’re now worthy. Second, progress is what you make when downloading the latest update from Apple. You make progress toward finishing a project like braiding hair or building a house. Fuck progress when it comes to treating people like people. I’m not applauding white people for being a little less racist. That’s like somebody vandalizing your car and then you thanking them for getting some of the sugar out of your tank. NOPE!

(Updated)

Honorable Mention: You excuse racial slurs directed at black people by non-black people if you don’t agree with the person’s politics.

Please stop! George Takei don’t give a damn about your black ass. He only said that shit about Clarence Thomas as retaliation for Thomas’ opinion on gay marriage. Learn from Takei’s people. I want y’all to call him a racial slur and wait for his community to excuse and condone that shit. STOP FUCKING COONING!

Understand that recognizing the signs is only the first step. You have much work to do before you are in remission. I also realize some of you coons are proud and do not want to be reformed. If this is the case, this article is not for you. You should find another content coon so y’all can get together and perform coonilingus on each other over a nice cold glass of Diet Negro.