A funny-smelling salve to sooth the aches and pains brought on by today's news.

Friday, June 19, 2009

What the cluck?

Jilted on “The Bachelor” and defeated on “Dancing With The Stars,” Melissa Rycroft is now moving to “Good Morning America” as a contributor. Her first segment will be about whether this is a step up or down the ABC food chain.

The inventor of the “Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed” passed away at the age of 92. His last words were, “What do you mean I’m out of quarters?”

Britain's Prince William says he’d like to follow his brother Harry's footsteps into a combat zone. The closest the second-in-line to the throne will ever get to combat is if he accidentally walks in while the butler is spraying for ants.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is recovering after undergoing a two-hour surgery on her broken right elbow. She didn’t transfer acting secretary of state power for the two hours she was under a general anesthetic, but she gave Chelsea her GPS and told her to keep it locked on Bill.

Oprah Winfrey is treating her staff members and their families to a luxurious Mediterranean cruise. Oprah is paying for it but she plans to spend the whole time at the front of the boat yelling “I’m queen of the world!”

In Exeter, England, a pregnant woman claims she was ticketed for parking in a space designated for people with children because her baby was not yet born. People in the U.S. have been telling this story to Mike Huckabee just to watch his head spin.

A swingers’ club in Montreal caught on fire, sending nearly-naked patrons fleeing into the street. You could tell they were swingers because they all kept grabbing the firefighters’ hoses.

Professional skateboarder Tony Hawk skateboarded at White House as part of a Father's Day celebration. White House historians say no one has skateboarded there since President George W. Bush knocked over three people while trying to ride and chew gum.

A Minnesota woman was ordered to pay $1.92 million for downloading music, roughly $80,000 for each of the 24 songs she was accused of downloading. The Recording Industry Association of America doesn’t expect to collect any of the money, but they think she’ll suffer enough from the fact that she’ll never get those 24 songs out of her head.

A woman in Montana who uses chickens as therapy animals for people recovering from health disorders calls her program “Fowl Play.” People who get the chickens instead of dogs or monkeys call it “What the cluck?”

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Welcome to Topical Rub!

Dr. Paul prescribes a daily dose of Topical Rub applied liberally or conservatively to where ever you hurt after the exertion of viewing the daily news, whether it be politics, sports, entertainment or just the unusual posing as reality. Topical Rub comes in two forms: short jokes for quick relief and selections from Paul's column "This Got Me Thinking" for long-lasting relief. Excerpts from Topical Rub are published by the New York Times Laugh Lines page, Huffington Post and other fine humor providers. For a custom batch of Topical Rub for your publication or web site, contact Paul at paulseaburn@earthlink.net or visit his web site www.humorhandyman.com.

About Me

Paul Seaburn is the head writer for 12th Street Jump, a jazz/blues/comedy show on KCUR in Kansas City and kcur.org. He was the head writer for "Taylor's Attic," an Emmy Award-winning family sitcom filled with zany puppets and original music for kids of all ages. DVDs are available on Amazon or at www.taylorsattic.com.
Paul is the former editor and writer for CapitalistBanter.com and contributor to nytimes.com and HuffingtonPost.com. He's written for Jay Leno, Dennis Miller, Bill Maher, many other comedians and speakers, "The Tonight Show," "Comic Stip Live," "Caroline's Comedy Hour" and numerous magazines and websites.