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Hidden Dangers of Spitefulness {part 2}

This has been an extremely tough week for me spiritually with satan fighting hard. But God has placed prayer warriors that are lifting me up as I continue this testimony. Thank you as you know who you are!

When I ended last Sunday’s post, at the age of 22 I found myself pregnant from the rape and feeling completely trapped. Playing over and over in my head were the words from my ex-husband (yes now divorced) and my ex-boyfriend, “No one will ever want you as you are worthless” and “I don’t love you, never have and never will”. All I could think about was I was damaged goods and they were absolutely right; no one will ever want me! I mean my best friends in elementary school didn’t even want me so why would anyone else!

By this time my depression, anxiety, fear and anger had only increased as I felt dirty and ashamed. I felt so alone! Not having a job and not wanting to tell my parents that I was raped; I did whatever I could to appease him. But the violence only increased as his partying only increased with more and different drugs. I was tired of it, so when he was at work one day I left and I went back home to my parents once again.

He held true to his threat as he over-dosed on pills and almost died. His grandmother called and told me what had happened. He had written a suicide note stating I was the reason he was doing this because I had left. I felt guilty so I returned to him. That was really not smart of me! Once he had recovered he decided one night to get really high. And when he did, I then was being thrown around like a ball as I couldn’t get away from him because he had me trapped in the bedroom! I ended up with bruises over my entire body; thankfully no broken bones. He was extremely strong, but when he was high on the drugs he was stronger. Unfortunately it was during this attack that I was hurt so bad that I miscarried and lost the baby. My feelings were from one extreme to another. I was relieved that I didn’t have to carry his baby because it was from a rape; but extremely sad and depressed because I had lost my baby. At this point I was wondering if I would ever be able to have a child. After this I left for good, even leaving my things behind. I was afraid of him!

With everything that I had gone through from the time I was 15 until now at the age of 23 I was very emotional and extremely angry! I truly wanted to be loved, have a husband and kids; I so desired a loving family. But I was going about it the wrong way! Unfortunately I wanted to have someone so bad that I never took time to heal in between relationships. Like most people, I thought I could heal faster and be just fine if I had someone new. Still thinking that if someone pays attention to me then it must be love; poor naïve me.

My drinking started again but this time I met someone who I could drink with. He had a drug problem also but I chose to ignore it because I thought I could change him with my love. My ignorant, hateful, self-centered and reckless behavior was about to send me on a journey that has changed my life. Not only giving me my baby girl but causing destruction to not only my life; but others whom I love.

Girls, don’t ever feel like you are not worthy of true love. As I told you last week; never place yourself on the clearance rack. You are priceless! But please don’t jump from one relationship into another. When your heart loves someone; it takes time to heal and if you can jump right into the arms of someone new; then it wasn’t true love the begin with. Before you give your heart away; make sure he is deserving of it and will treasure it. I discovered with my own reckless behavior that every time I slept with someone new; that I felt even more undeserving of that true love I so desperately wanted!

True Love Will Wait — Sure wish I had realized this sooner!

1 Corinthians 13:4-7–Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast; It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Hebrews 13:4 –Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.