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July 24, 2015

I am a woman of 21st century. I am independent. I am strong. I can endure all storm. I can handle both my private life and professional life with ease, and well, how perfectly! I have everything I wanted, everything I needed, everything I dreamt of...or maybe not. There are times I feel incomplete. All this achievement, feels like a waste. All this success looks like the biggest failure. All this feels like a big vacuum, and this vacuum sucks me in every time I look around, and I find a big void all around me.

After all this achievement, after all this success... I don't have friends to cheer about it. I don't have anybody to talk to during cold depressed nights. I don't have anybody whom I can tell anything, and everything I wanted... More importantly, someone who will understand everything before I can say a word to him. I understand people around me...but nobody understands me. I hug people when they cry and sob, but no one comes to hug me when I feel weak and sick. I stay up all night when my friend falls sick, but nobody hands me an aspirin when I get my regular sinus attacks. I cry along with my friend when she goes through a breakup, but nobody even asks me how I am when I feel lonely. One call, and I am there at their doorsteps, but why can't they see my tears, and feel my pain?

I believe everyone is good at heart. They all are good. But in the end, why do they all turn out to be manipulators. I can see through their eyes and heart...hear through their sobs, and feel their pain like it was mine. But the least I expect is a simple 'how are you' or a simple hug from them when I tell them I don't feel good. Is that too much expectation? Am I expecting too much?

Life is a long journey. I have some true friends too, who like me, be there for me no matter what! and many such fake friends... I have many such friends, no matter how much I do for them, they can never see the tear in my eyes, the smile missing from my face, my lost appetite, my sleepless nights. Am I doing less for them? Should I do more? Somehow more always seems less to them. I have stopped bothering now. Still, somehow it bothers me to see them in pain. I wonder sometimes, is it that they just can't see my pain, or is it that choose not to see it? I will never know. But thats okay. I can't expect everybody to be like me. On a lighter note, life would be so boring if everybody took care of everybody all the time like me. And on a practical note, its good I'm surrounded by such fake people all around me, it keeps me well grounded, and keeps me from being dependent on anybody for my needs.

But there are times, I want to be pampered. There are times I want to be the drama queen. There are times I want to feel important. There are times I want someone to wipe away my tears. There are times I want someone to give me tight hug without me telling them to. There are times I want somebody to notice my mood swings, and ask me what's wrong. There are times I want somebody to be by my side. Just be there. To hold me when I fall. To hug me when I feel lonely. Just to say it'll all be fine. To listen to my boring philosophies. Talk to me during the night. Hold my hand when I walk alone. Hold my umbrella, and kiss me in the rain. Lend me his shoulder when I fall asleep in the train. To stay awake all night, just to make sure I'm fine. To fight with me on silly issues. To make up for the fight with a big chocolate bar. To hold my hand, and not let go. To hold me tighter when I say let me go. To stick by my side when I say leave me alone. To love me , even when I say I don't love you anymore...because deep down he knows we are meant to be together. Deep down, he knows I can't love somebody enough. Deep down, he knows, life without him will never be the same.

But life goes on... And life keeps me occupied. And like Wordsworth says...

For oft, when on my couch I lie In vacant or in pensive mood, They flash upon that inward eye Which is the bliss of solitude; And then my heart with pleasure fills, And dances with the daffodils.