Search This Blog

My name is Mary Beth. I am a 48-year-old single mom of one. I am madly in love with my child, despite her blatant attempts to drive me crazy!
There are lots of things I would change, re-write, if I could... Others, I would never change!

Where the hell have you been????

Hello, it's meI was wondering if after all these years you'd
like to meetTo go over everythingThey say that time's supposed to heal yaBut I ain't done much healing

~Adele

So, it’s been 2 ½ years since my last post. It has been terribly rough, confusing,
overwhelming time with constant worry and anxiety.
Nice thing to say first post in so long, huh?

I think it’s going to be easiest to go through the years
(probably not in perfect chronological order)…

2013

Bill never came back and my heart still
hurts. Clearly I was not “the one” for
him. He started dating someone just a few
months after I had asked him to look within to find what he wanted. He’s married now. My heart is still in pieces.

Things have always been a little chaotic in our
little family, but this is when things started getting crazy.

Shelby had her appendix removed in September
& Knee surgery in November

2014

I dated someone for a short while, totally not
my type. I thought “maybe I need to look
outside my comfort zone.” That did NOT
work out and finally I said no more, I don’t like you… He was oblivious to the
strange things he did (not even going to go into what strange things – suffice it
to say, things that I would never do.
Many, many things… kinda yucky).

Bought a “new to me” 2010 Toyota Corolla. Shelby decided her name would be Lucille.

Found out in rapid succession that what I
thought my child was doing, on so many fronts, was nowhere near reality. Kick in the gut and heart and mind and soul.

Betsy (red car) was totaled in a 3-car crash,
unfortunately, Shelby was car #3, so at fault.
Ticket was dropped because #2 driver didn’t appear, which was her
choice.

Bought a replacement car with insurance money.
It is also gone now (sold car to a very kind person).

From April 2014 through April 2015 – 7 (maybe 8)
hospitalizations to address Shelby’s mental health and finally addiction (had
been going on for years, and still brings tears to my eyes). Last hospitalization was in residential rehab,
after a suicide attempt on 12/15/14. She
had her gall bladder removed on 12/31/14.
She continued her residential stay at Timberline Knolls until the last
week in January 2015. Worst holiday season ever.

2015

Found a Psychiatrist and great counselor for
Shelby. She was officially diagnosed
with bi-polar disorder.

Painted the walls in the house (all but Shelby’s
bedroom) over spring break! First time I
tried to make the house mine, since buying it in 2003!

Another short stint in the behavioral
health adolescent unit in April.

Used the money from the sale of the 2nd
2005 Corolla and had laminate floors installed in hallways, living room &
kitchen and porcelain tile in the entry way and bathroom and very cool looks
like ceramic but it’s vinyl tile in the laundry room.

My abuser (my father) started sending me
letters. Under the guise of “amends”
letters. Yes, he actually made reference
to abuse he had endured and a sexual addiction.
He is also battling cancer, and after 47 years 30+ of which I begged for
him to be honest with my siblings and admit to everything he did to me. I could NOT read any of the letters until I
was in front of my therapist. No,
actually she read them to me. I knew
right away it was bullshit, trying to get into heaven (even his wife divorced
him, she KNEW about the abuse and blamed me, after 30 years). He even admitted to abusing others. THAT was
the “nail in the coffin” and firmed my decision to NOT try to ever have any relationship
with him. I am terrified that he
continued to abuse, people from church or friends of his boys. Strangely, he wrote this long Christmas
letter (not really new, maybe in the last 5 years) and mentioned Shelby and asked
for prayers for her for her medical “issues”. HE HAS NO IDEA ABOUT ANYTHING WE’VE
BEEN GOING THROUGH! I wrote him and
thanked him for his prayer request, and then corrected him on one piece of
information (inference that she wouldn’t graduate, when she already had) and
informed him that he cannot share any information about me or Shelby unless I
tell him and give him permission (which will never happen). I have no idea where he gets his information,
but that was NUTS. I have closed that
chapter of my life. He was a source of
pain and terror for most of my life. I
had to let it go and move on.

Relapse in July (hindsight is 20/20) while she
spent time at sd’s mom’s house – surprise!

Shelby owned her slip, and restarted her
sobriety clock.

Started seeing a psychiatrist because of my
anxiety attacks and insomnia, bad stuff.
Had to try several meds, but am sleeping a bit better now, and have meds
for my anxiety.

I had skipped my checkup with the oncologist
because of all the stuff with Shelby.
When I went 6 months late, I was told I have a spot on a kidney &
another on my pancreas. They are small and I have had many internal talks with
them – they can stay small, no growing.
Cancer fucking sucks!

Wilbur, the best dog in the world, passed away
on October 8, 2015. Heart is still
aching.

Adopted a spastic 3 year old crazy mix (Sharpei,
Chihuahua & Cocker Spaniel were the mail breeds detected in a dna test –
along with toy & terrier). Her name
is MochaLatte and she is a ball of never trained energy.

After all of the missed school, and realizing
that she was over high school, she graduated on 12/18/15!

2016

Started 2016 with working at the same company! Shelby is an intern at my work. We had agreed she would need to earn enough
money to purchase and maintain her own car and insure it.

Seriously didn’t think about the added stress
that spending SO much time with each other would bring. OMG, try fitting in a normal 10 hour day into
exactly 8 hours because someone needs to be somewhere (meetings, dr appointment
– all good, but really stressful for me).

Found out that the Child Tax Credit ends once
your child is SEVENTEEN, not 18! I owed
the IRS for the first time in my lifetime!
And, it wasn’t just a few dollars.

Another week in-patient for Shelby. Very proud that she spoke up and meds were
adjusted and it was like a tune-up for her.
I had let my guard down, so the impact on me – well, I was quite freaked
out, and felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck.

I started seeing a new therapist. It is helping :-)

Shelby is going to meetings on a regular basis,
and adding to them, which I think is great!

Amazingly (lol)
sd has put forward zero effort to see Shelby.
Um, today is 13 days until her 18th birthday!

Shelby has been having what she’s been calling “stomach
issues” - so that’s what I will say, for at least a year now, but as any teenager
would, she wasn’t very forthcoming.
Seeing a doctor 4 days after she turns 18. Already had an ultrasound this week, and it
was normal (phew).

Any Questions?

Are you or have you dated?

Nope, not in two years. Seriously, I can’t even find time or money to
do something for me. Who the hell wants
to take all of the shit flying at me? No
one!

Any cool plans for Shelby?

She earned the money and just bought Lola, a 1997 Toyota Corolla and after spending a couple of days with the mechanic, Lola is in a SOLID state!

Beginning in June, Shelby will take an EMS class
twice a week.

She wants a tattoo. Sometimes it’s to signify
our bond, sometimes to honor me, sometimes to honor sobriety & mental
health. I promised that I would consider
getting a small tattoo. Soon we’ll go
visit the artists we like and give them our ideas, let them come up with their
own and figure out if we’ve got enough money (and pain tolerance) to get them.

If the EMS class goes well, she will then work
on the classes required for her to proceed to the EMT program and then nursing
program at the local Community College.

How about you, MB. Any plans?

I still have a LOT of medical bills to pay off, so no big expenses.

Trying to take care of ME – this is new!!!I have
gained a bit of weight back, revision surgery isn’t approved by my insurance
yet, but I have got to get moving, I am pretty miserable.

Yoga – I need to be able to afford buying a 25
session pass, so I can go whenever I can.
I need to work on my core and my God, I need to learn how to breathe
again!

I need to say no, a lot more, to many
people. Including Shelby. It is so hard, because I worry if I will
cause a crisis. Not realistic or true,
but it’s my fear.

I want to like me. I really don’t like me much. I’m not going to feel better if I don’t take
care of me. There seems to be a theme
here!

Find and afford doggie daycare for Coco &
MochaLatte. They need socialization and
manners and time to play.

Make myself a priority.

Worry less

So that’s it in a BIG nutshell.

I need to put myself back together again, but I believe
there are pieces that are missing forever.

It has been a roller coaster, inside a tornado, wrapped up
in an erupting volcano and tied with a Tsunami bow.

So many other things have
happened – as a result of all of the crazy stuff – I was harassed and bullied
online by people I thought were friends.
That is another piece that I don’t think I will find, but maybe I will
create a new one that fits better.

I still hope that one day, someone special will come into my
life and love me as I should be and me he.
I just do not see that happening anytime in the near future.

I have skipped a lot.
I will not share many events because they are too painful. I also don’t talk much to most people about
any of my shit. #1 because haters #2
talking about it just upsets me more. I’ve
got a therapist for that.

I hope you all are well and blessed and if you are
experiencing a crazy roller coaster/stormy ride: I send to you thoughts filled
with hope, love, strength & peace with a huge dash of backbone (mine is
still developing).

Thank you for reading and your support!

“Be
kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”

~Plato

Love & Blessings

Get link

Facebook

Twitter

Pinterest

Google+

Email

Other Apps

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I got paid today, but the money is all gone. I had to pay the sitter yesterday ($120) and the mortgage and then gave $211.27 to ComEd to avoid disconnection on Monday.Tomorrow we go to the dentist. Thank goodness I have a debit card for my flexible spending! The dentist is at least an hour away, so we have plans to go to Red Robin and meet Kim, Joe & Sean there. I have money to buy us lunch, but that's it! Then, there's the shoes I have to buy Shelby because she joined Cross Country & it starts on the 24th! My next paycheck is at the end of the month and by then the car payment will be a month behind as well!

I don't like saying this, but WHY ME??????? Why is it that the sperm donor can get away with living with his mother at 40, falling behind over $6,000 in support and still have money to freaking drink & smoke his life away? I'm tired of the bad stuff happening. I'm TIRED of people around me, who treat me and my child like shit, wh…

Ahhhhh, I really feel like I never get time to just decompress. There's always something going on!

Before I go to bed, I want to point out some of the good stuff from this week.ShelbyMy freaking AWESOME friends!My jobFinally going to church and enjoying myself!Having a really nice meal with friends who I haven't spent time with in a long time.Shelby saying "okay" several times when, in the past, she would not have been so "go with the flow". My baby is growing up!Going to Sam's Club to stock up on the important stuff. I have no money now, but won't need to worry about restocking for many months now!Being able to take Shelby to Target and use a gift card to make a big dent in buying new school clothes for Shelby (think pink, green & plaid!) Thank you Mr. King! LaughterHugs & kisses from my sweet ShelbyMaking up my "list of work to do on the house" - and some of it just might get done!Being alive!Love & sweet dreams.xo mb :)

So, this week was pretty blah. I had a sore throat and ended up going home early on Wednesday and stayed home on Thursday. Then, my network connection to work and then my internet connection went down for hours on Friday! Grrrrrr! I think "blah" is a pretty good way to describe the week.

I got an invitation to a first birthday party for a relative. I thought, sure, we'll go. Then I see BYOB written on there. I wanted to think it was Bring Your Own Beverage, but I felt compelled to ask. The response I got was "Bring Your Own Booze". I really have an issue about people who feel the need to bring ALCOHOL to a birthday party for a toddler. On top of that, one of the parents isn't even of legal drinking age AND both parents are in recovery (12-step, AA stuff). I just don't get it! I mean, talk about slippery slopes! I made a choice years ago not to drink. I based that decision on my belief that addiction is a hereditary trait and since about 95% of my family …