I don't know what the hell i am, really I don't care. All I know as a fact is that I'll probably drive you spare...

I'm a film-maker & photographer with a fairly unconventional approach to life...

I also spent some time working as a porn cameraman in Derby, UK... This is where i learnt that sometimes cameras need a decent UV filter to stop the splashes that inherently occur in use...Most people only learn this in the rain, i learnt it indoors :P

I have High Functioning Autism (HFA) which is related to Asperger's Syndrome, so I'm officially retarded/spacktarded/fuckwitted... But for me this is a good thing... It means i can analyse your brains without emotion... Sometimes i choose to do this with a spoon...

Arse out in Attenborough
Well, me and the (now ex-)missus were getting down to business on a sandy bit of land near some gravel pits, the place is part of a nature reserve, but no-one was really around so we thought what the heck...

About half way through there's suddenly a strange, very loud, sound of hoofs nearby, thinking nothing of it other than "probably some cows in the field over the river" we carry on...

30 seconds later with my arse (amongst other things) in the air, the entirety of the local riding school comes by and i'm forced to just stop thrusting away and quickly lie on the missus covering as much of both of us as possible...

This was in fact pointless as all the horses passed by at about 4 feet so one bemused riding instructor and around 7 tittering 12-year-old girls later, it was pretty obvious they knew what was up...

Having absolutely no words to say, even if i wanted to, the best i could do was just continue lieing face down on top of her and pretend nothing was happening, in the attempt to make all seem normal i was as a result suddenly overcome, for some reason, with the urge to wave at the instructor behind the rest of the group and give a smile as she went by...

She even smiled and waved back whilst obviously trying not to fall off her horse with laughter...

Possibly one of the most embarrassing, surreal, and yet arousing incidents of my life, i think the missus felt the same way, as after they passed it was straight back to business...