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ABC's Monday Night Football began another season Monday with
the Hall of Fame Game in Canton. It was canceled in the third
quarter due to lightning strikes. Apparently it was a boring game
and Bob Hope is just learning how to use the remote.

Arnold Schwarzenegger wore a huge sparkling sapphire ring on
the Tonight Show Wednesday. Talk about making news. People were
surprised enough that he was running for governor but it was a
bigger shock that Kobe Bryant had cheated on him.

Arnold Schwarzenegger told reporters Wednesday he expects
attacks from Gray Davis. He has posed nude, he's been accused of
womanizing and his father fought for Hitler. He's the perfect
candidate for a state where the paper of record is Zig Zag.

The AFL-CIO convention in Chicago heard from all nine
Democratic candidates Tuesday. The union bosses were tough on
Howard Dean. They demanded to know who is the shop steward of all
these civil unions he created while governor of Vermont.

Jerry Springer dropped out of the Ohio Senate race Wednesday
in an emotional announcement. He said he can't keep his television
show and still work for all the deserving people who desperately
need government help. So he's keeping the show.

The CIA released a report this week saying terrorists follow
a seasonal pattern and tend to strike in the warm months of August
and September. This is an old problem. The closer it gets to
October, the more everyone hates the Yankees.