Cubs finally replace Tony Campana

While we all sit around waiting for Yu Darvish to give the free agent stalemate a good Roto Rootering by finally picking a team, the Cubs have decided to mock us to our faces.

On Thursday they announced they had re-signed former Cubs outfielder Damon “Sleeves” Buford who is not only 47 years old, but who hasn’t played in the big leagues since 2001.

Wait…sorry, they didn’t sign Buford, that would be ridiculous. Instead, they signed 30 year old Peter Bourjos whose number one most comparable player through his age 30 season is…Damon Buford.

I know it’s only a minor league contract and given the Cubs glut of guys who can play outfield like Albert Almora, Ian Happ, Jason Heyward, Kyle Schwarber, Kris Bryant, and Pedro Strop, maybe they won’t keep five primary outfielders, and Bourjos can hang out in Des Moines at the World Food Prize Hall of Laureates?

Because if he makes the team, the Cubs are going to pay him $1.45 million.

Yeah, dollars. I was a surprised as you.

And frankly, Bourjos was never really that good. He had one good full season, in 2011 with the Angels. But to say he hasn’t been good since then would be wrong.

He’s been absolutely terrible.

His skillset is simple. He’s fast, and…well, OK, he’s fast. So as long as he gets on base he’s valuable.

That’s why his career on base average of .298 is no bueno.

Especially since it’s going down as he ages. He’s reached base at a .288 clip the last four years.

But hey, as long as he steals bases at a good rate when he does get on, he could be valuable.

Those last four years he’s 8-8 in stolen base attempts. That’s not a lot of steals, but at least he’s…oh, wait, that’s eight steals and eight caught stealings. He’s 8-16. Oh, that’s bad.

But at least he puts the ball in play and puts pressure on the defense.

Right?

Uh, well for his career he strikes out almost five times for every walk, and in a whopping 27 percent of his at bats.

So that’s quite the package you get with Peter Bourjos. He hasn’t had a productive season in seven years, he doesn’t get on base and he strikes out a lot so not only can’t you survive playing him regularly, he’s not useful at all as a pinch hitter, he steals infrequently and at a terrible rate so if you use him as a pinch runner it won’t be with the idea that he’s going steal a key bag. But hey, he can catch a flyball which would mean the Cubs have three of their five outfielders who can say that.

Ugh. Then you remember that the Cubs carried Leon Is Martin on the first round playoff roster last year. Barring another signing, Peter Fucking Bourjos is going to make the team. Anybody have Tony Campana’s number? Which Wetzel’s Pretzels is he working at these days?