Tuesday, January 28, 2014

emotional

We are moving and packing up our entire house,
even though I am beyond excited to be moving to a city with warm weather
it brings a lot of unknown. We won't personally know a soul.
We will also be leaving behind Tyson's entire family and our home that we have known for the last 8 years.

Yesterday, we met with Diggy's new future mom, she seems so perfect to fill the roles.
but that too makes my heart break. I have been wanting to find him a new home for a while now so it is bitter sweet. Diggy knows something is going on with all of the packing and I can tell his nerves are going. He looks anxious and it just breaks my heart sending him to a new foreign place and just leaving him for the rest of our life. Tyson bought me Diggy a couple months after we were married and so he has been there for every part of our marriage. He has been a huge part of our life.

Yesterday was also a doctor appointment day.
We are trying to figure out what steps are next in this whole "not getting pregnant" process.
It's such a draining process and literally seems like we have had all the road blocks into trying to figure out why I'm not getting pregnant. I don't think one can fully understand the process until you literally go through it and can't seem to get pregnant. For no apparent reason at that. Everything so far has seemed to look normal. No answers, just disappointment each month. The last months we were just trying to simply take blood to check on FSH levels and everything has to be done on a certain time - so blood had to be taking on Day3'ish of my cycle -- keep in mind we have been traveling fools the past 4-5 months and timing everything has been beyond hectic.
I was lucky enough to be able to get my blood drawn back in December the day before I left for Colorado. Later that week I got a call from the dr that said for some reason the blood didn't make it in time and they wouldn't get an accurate read. I went into an emotional break down and just cried. Nothing seems to go right in this process.

So I waited for my next cycle and waited for that Day 3 to come,
Luckily everything worked out my Day 3 happened to fall on a Tuesday (NewYearsEve) so the office was open for a half a day and closed the following day Wednesday for New Years which also happened to be the day we left for Hawaii. Things couldn't have worked out any better.
So I got to my doctors appointment to get blood drawn and then I was told they were afraid with the holidays (new years) that the place they send the blood off too would most likely call again and have the same thing happen where they wouldn't get the blood in time to read accurately. I start tearing up out of frustration, trying to hold it together but timing is just kinda crappy sometimes! I asked to speak to my nurse to talk to her about if I had any other options rather than waiting for another month to come and so she came in and I decided to just go for it and hope that it got there within the time frame. As soon as my nurse finished drawing my blood the girl who was originally going to draw my blood came in and told me she would personally go run it to the post office right then to make sure it would get there as soon as it could.
Seriously wanted to give that girl the biggest hug because you have no idea how much it meant.
She probably saw the frustration on my face from when she had first told me they didn't think it would get there but I was just thankful for her simply going out of her way to do something so nice for me, a stranger. She was heaven sent.

I then left the office by myself and just cried all the way home. I decided then I wasn't going to any more doctors appointments with out Ty because sometimes its hard to keep it together and sometimes it just nice to have someone help make decisions.
While we were in Hawaii I called to check to see if the blood got there in time and the doctors office had no news for me, I kinda wanted to hear the crappy news (if there were some) while we were in Hawaii so it wouldn't feel so crappy. But we didn't find out until we got back home that the blood did in fact get there in time! I was in the normal range so we now get to move forward.

The next two steps are to see if I have scar tissue from my D&C from over a year ago or if my tubes might somehow be blocked. So yesterday when I went to the doctor he made it pretty clear that this is an expensive process and wanted me to get things checked to see what my insurance would cover. I had checked on this back in September and I was pretty sure my insurance said they wouldn't cover any "infertility" and since I have no other known problems.. my cycles are normal, i have no pains or anything else then this would be considered "infertility" so when we were talking to my doctor he told us when insurance doesn't cover you pretty much pay out of pocket up front so the doctors office & hospital get paid, and then proceeded to tell us the cost.. which would end up being around 10,000.

My emotional self came out and I just cried because everything seems to be so dang impossible and all I wanted was to be able to finish out testing before we left Idaho and we left our doctor.. because once we move next week I know everything will just be put on hold. So when we left the doctors yesterday we just asked them to check with insurances to see how much we would have to pay to get a for sure estimate before we finalized whether or not we wanted to move forward and do the procedure and to see if by some chance they would cover it since they are checking for scar tissue due to a previous surgery (d&c). This morning I got a call with the price from our doctors office and she gave me the procedure code to call the hospital to get their estimate. After I talked to her I decided to call my insurance and talked with them. She then told me it did in fact cover but since it was a new year we would just have to hit our deductible and then pay 20% with what is left. Then I called my husband and talked to him about that and decided to move forward with the procedures now that insurance will cover! ahhhh we are finally getting somewhere.
but any type of surgery still freaks me out.
Thursday I will have a Hysteroscopy & Laparoscopy so keep me in your prayers!
We leave in 9 days and in 2 day I will have this procedure done, and I'm not suppose to lift anything for 5 days after the procedure. It brings on a new level of stress on top of moving but I am so glad we are able to get it out of the way.

Back in September when we got home from Chicago I secretly thought I'm bound to get pregnant one of these months. It hasn't been the case... its still unknown why it still hasn't happened.
Things are just very clear to me that it only happens on Heavenly Fathers time,
and when it is suppose to.
It doesn't make it easy by any means but life can't be planned.
Life doesn't always happen when things are convenient.
Even with the sadness it brings that we aren't able to have a new baby in our home I feel beyond blessed that we have Lexi and that we have had the last 4 months to be able to travel and spend so much time together as a family of 3. I'm also feeling beyond blessed with Tyson's new job opportunity he makes us so proud that he was offered such a great opportunity for our family. He is such a hard worker and good at what he does and I know he has a lot of the stresses on his shoulders so I am grateful for him and his support he continually lends me!

15 comments:

Just keep praying, He is listening! The hardest part is waiting for your prayers to be answered. He knows when and where and He is anxiously waiting (right along with you) for that special day to come.

This was so comforting to read. I too am going through the same thing but my husband and I have no children. We've tried for a year and have not had anything so we are starting with blood work on day three and twenty one. It's so frustrating to see people getting pregnant on accident and at "inconvenient times". Something that is so natural is starting to feel anything but natural. Good luck!

Praying for you. I had the same issues, and once I had these procedures done, was pregnant 2 cycles later. Same with a friend of mine. If this doesn't work though, just know that you tried everything, and God has his way making things happen in other ways than we planned. Good Luck!!

Praying for you! I know you don't know a soul in Dallas, and we don't know each other (totally a blogger statement), but please let me know if you need anything when you get here. I can't imagine how overwhelming all of this is, but God already has that plan set!

I have recently started following your blog. Found it after pinning your daughters cute bedroom and plan on making that same tassel in our nursery:) I wanted to comment because we too have dealt with infertility and it was one of the hardest things in my life to go through. Prayer helped me so much even in times of doubt. HE will give you strength when you seek HIM. I hope your surgery goes well! When we did IVF I felt so bloated for a few days so you may have that same feeling. I really felt like my belly was sticking so far out and my abdomen just felt tight. I know they are different procedures but may cause similar symptoms. Message me if you have any questions!

This post came at just the right moment. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant with our first baby for two years. I'm on my first round of fertility meds and I feel like a crazy person. I feel like I've been robbed of how fun and exciting it should be to start a family. Although I wish you weren't having any problems it does help to know that the feelings that I'm feeling are normal. Thank you for the post, you are a great mom I'm sure that He has an incredible plan so you can use your gift as a wife and mother. Prayers!

I had that same procedure done after having no periods for months and finding a cyst had ruptured in my ovary. It was quick and easy. I had 2 babies at home at the time and was up and about in no time. I hope that will help in your journey to get pregnant.

The quote you posted is something I have to remind myself of all the time. My husband died 3 1/2 years ago of cancer leaving me with a 2 and 3 year old. My whole life is not what it was supposed to be at all. But I have to move forward and make the best of what I have been given worrying only takes away from the good we do have. I always wonder why? but I guess in time that will be answered as will your infertility.

I am go through a similar situation, so I understand! My first pregnancy came so easy and we have a healthy boy...then after our second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and D&C we haven't been able to get pregnant...it's been a year and a half! So hard. Here is a link to my blog, I'm just beginning to tell the story under the "journey" tab. Keeping you in my prayers!-charhttp://www.lifesbettertogether.com/

praying for you...I have been going through the same thing. I am also blessed to have my 2 year old son. I had 3 miscarriages in a period of 10 months. One D&C. according to the drs everything is normal as well. We are just waiting on the Lord. Everything in his timing. So glad to hear the insurance is able to pay a portion. stay strong honey! praying for your family :)

I am so sorry for everything you guys are going through! You will definitely be in my prayers... and even though you don't know me - seriously if you need help lifting or moving boxes, please message me on FB! xoxo-Stayc

I have a 7 year old daughter and have been trying to get pregnant with our second for almost 3 years. I am finally at the acceptance part. It has taken me a long time but it looks like our daughter was our miracle baby. I am so thankful but still feel the guilt of not being able to give her a sibling.