Under the new rules, all reporting of the conflict is to be banned, and updates on the progress of the war will be provided in a daily radio broadcast by Stalin 'Colostomy' Brown, to ensure that news media do not provide 'defeatist' or negative impressions to the Electorate.

Speaking from his padded cell Cabinet Office, the PM said, "it is right that the British people get clear and correct information from teh Government on the conduct of the war. My appearance at the Chilcot Inquiry made it clear that the Armed Forces are, in fact, a divisive, negative and defeatist influence on the project, determined to project a negative impression that there may be fighting going on. This is, of course, not the case - our troops are on the front line giving Tax Credits to grateful Taliban, and it is right that I report the truth of the matter to the British people, as always.

"It is right that the British people fully understand that I, Gordon Brown, The Saviour of Afghanistan, have committed more money towards defence than any other leader in the history of the world, with a further eleventy-billion pounds in investment promised."

Mr Brown said that the Army were 'pursuing their own agenda', and said that the focus of front-line personnel on 'non-essentials' such as ammunition, body armour and not getting their bollocks blown off by IED's was 'utter nonsense in a modern military'. He added, "our investment in Bullet Quantity Targeting Co-Ordinators, LBGT Taliban Outreach Facilitators and Sand Temperature Monitors is under-reported, yet their statistics are reducing costs and succeeding in implementing a socially-fair war. This information is what the British electorate should be basing their decisions on."

The MoD has confirmed the Government's announcement, and added that all any personnel killed in action during the election campaign would not be repatriated, ensuring that the PM and Defence Secretary, 'Blakey' Ainsworth, can announce that their war of occupation hasn't killed anybody ever. A spokesman for the MoD said that though this was the first time, ever, that the British people would not be given information about a war in which British servicemen were losing their voices as well as their lives, it wasn't about a dishonest, lying, mendacious Government desperately attempting to control the information about a war most of the Electorate don't want. Honest.

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