RHONY Recap

Well this show has certainly come full circle this season, hasn’t it? We started this Real Housewives of New York reunion with Bethenny Frankel using her Botox jaw to rip the surgically tucked skin off these women, and we ended things with a hapless Bethenny Frankel sniffling while everyone sang kumbaya. I am perplexed.

The bulk of the episode, like the bulk of the reunion, and pretty much the majority of the season, centered around the scintillating personal life of Luann de Lesseps. What happens in Luann’s bedroom is a national attraction at this point. People don’t go to NYC to visit the Statue of Liberty any longer, they to study the newest de Lesseps donation – the Penthouse bedroom of the ex Mrs. Countess.

Last night’s Real Housewives Of New York reunion was dominated by one tantruming, feet-stomping toddler bellowing “I can say what I want!” No – I did not turn my three-year-old loose on Andy, but after witnessing the un-checked behavior of Bethenny Frankel, I’m certainly not comfortable letting anyone at Bravo babysit. OK, maybe Jules Wainstein, if she brings her “waiting on line” nanny and potty training expert.

Things begin with Luann de Lesseps calling Bethenny a “horrible person” for calling her boyfriend’s teenage daughter to “verify” she didn’t have an affair*, which resulted in Bethenny standing over Luann to scream “LieAnn” (nice twitter steal) in her face. Luann telling Bethenny she’s “evil” didn’t even cause Bethenny to flinch – despite what the previous depicted.

Last night’s Real Housewives Of New York reunion started with the women tiptoeing around each other, gently nudging at each other’s ankles like cats giving ‘love bites,’ to see how you’ll react to their brand of toxic care. In reality, the women were trying not to jump the gun by getting nasty first, save to see what the other girl possibly had up her skirt.

Someone could have an apple in their mouth, or they could have one hidden in their hand waiting to be thrown, and the whole entire time you could have misunderstood their meaning, their intent, or their entire mythological way of being. Is it evident that I have no idea what I am saying? I must be on the same (alleged) drugs as Dorinda Medley.

I still think Bethenny had to tell Luann, but I think the way Bethenny did it was calculating and nefarious. I still think Luann is an idiot for putting her heart and dignity on the line for an odious schmuck like Tom, who doesn’t even have the decency to do his bad deeds in secret like every other cheating spouse of a Real Housewife. Even Mario had more discretion – he at least chose some other-rate fitness emporium unfancy enough to meet the demands of Ramona Singer‘s hubris!

To tell or not to tell? To reveal a deeply humiliating personal secret on Real Housewives Of New York or to be forced into having a deeply humiliating personal secret revealed about yourself? These are the quandaries a lady of Bravo faces as Luann de Lesseps was made to reconcile with both the ghosts of her past and the ghost of her future thanks to a so-called benevolent Bethenny Frankel.

Bethenny is beside herself that Luann has the audacity to be so outrageously happy over a man she’s known for two minutes. Which is sort of hilarious considering that Bethenny got knocked up approximately 5 days after meeting Jason Hoppy then shoved him down the aisle 5 months later!

Even though I have to, I don’t really want to discuss the ruminating super drama between Bethenny Frankel and Luann de Lesseps. Instead I’d like to focus on the positive and give a prodigious shout-out to Sonja Tremont Morgan, a lady who has turned over a new leaf and out flew a butterfly. Hats off – designer hats with no repairs, that is – to Sonja for being Real Housewives Of New York‘s class-act last night!

The ladies are all yachting around while talking in circles about Tom. Tom-T-Tom-Tom-TOOOM. Poor Sonja has a harness on her dress to holster in her heart nice and tight. But that thing looks uncomfortable and like her boobs were begging for as much mercy as her poor little broken pitter-patter. Sonja admits to Carole Radziwill and Ramona Singer that, well, maybe she’s a little nervous about seeing Tom because well, maybe, she had deeper feelings for him than she let on, and well, Luann is just not really interested in addressing this. Furthermore, Sonja had no idea that Lu knew she and Tom were a thing.

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of New York headed to Miami. No one was very happy about it except for Luann de Lesseps who is eager for the opportunity to show off her amazing, transformational, earth shattering, soul mating love – again. Yes, I think the operative word is “mating”. With other Housewives that is! Which begs the question: are three Housewives better than one?

I understand why Bethenny doesn’t want to go, since sharks smell blood, but why can’t the other ladies go as planned? Bethenny can remain in NYC, get her surgery, and then launch Skinnygirl Tampons or something. We all know she doesn’t want to go, and none of the other women actually want her to go – except for maybe Carole Radziwill, who seems to have more fun sans Beth. Beth On/Beth Off – and Mr. Miyagi says you control your own destiny, Carole

Ramona Singer is hosting all the ladies at Mohegan Sun, because everyone needs a little RHONJ in their lives! Since this is a Tru-ReRamona’d, she will not fight over rooms. No more shrieking and streaking through the house, slamming down curling irons to declare her turf. Instead, as the hostess, Ramona simply claimed the best suite and makes everyone else ‘draw cards’ to choose a room. Naturally, Carole and Bethenny Frankel are exempt because they prefer to share. Two monstrous heads are better than one, when it comes to attacking prey, that is!