There once has been a fairytale that there be a superior being that people called god. He was supposed to be kind, fair, good, and so on. Well. Good story for telling the kids when they should sleep.

No, no, there is nothing like this in this so-called heaven. Oh, maybe there is something. I for me am since a few days sure, that there must be something like a naughty, moody brat sitting up there and throwing marbles down to earth. Marbles that, when they hit someone, can kill and make people suffer. And this brat doesn't matter who will be hitten from his marbles. "Ph - so what? I want my joy!"

And so he hit with his marble also my girlfriend, who had to fight through her whole life and who would deserve to get older then just 59 years.

She's still alive. But how long? It won't be long, say the docs. Her birthday is at the 21st of October. The tumor in her brain and the last chemo made her laying in bed, not able to move or to speak, because she is much too weak. It can be weeks or days -- they don't know.

She would damned deserve something else -- for she is the best friend someone could have. She helped me through my deepest depressions and tought me to live with it. We had plans together, and have still. And now?? To lose her is an absolute nightmare for me; she's not only a friend, she is more like a sister; she knows me like noone else does, she knows every thought of me. And we have still plans together. Visiting our favourite town, to finish together our translation of our favourite book into german, and much more. She wants to see "The Lone Ranger" with Johnny Depp when the DVD comes out, because she was ill when it came in the cinema and couldn't go.

The thought of maybe losing her soon makes me feel like torn in pieces. And the biggest sh** is that I live too far apart from her to visit her every day. I could go there with train, and I did, but I had to go home after a few days because my depressions make me a burden for her family, for my panic overwhelmes me again and again. My want to help is senseless in this my state of mind, so I had to go home. And I could explode when I think of this damned depressions that make me this way.

And this, her suffering, should be god's will? Thanks, but I couldn't care less about such kind of god.