In one of the great ironic coincidences in government boondoggle history, the Democratic Party has introduced legislation that mandates that high-speed trains replace automobiles and airplanes within 10 years. Train travel to Hawaii and Guam should be very interesting, if somewhat soggy. Beach towels are suggested for passengers.

In case you missed it, just one week later, the only high-speed train project under construction in the United States was cancelled due to costs which rose 220+% from initial estimates. Plus it was so far behind schedule that the earliest projected completion date is estimated at the day that U Cal Berkeley endorses the Capitalist system.

After 10 years of effort, the project is still 23 years from completion. Oh, and finding out that from a practical perspective the plan was as obtainable as affordable housing in San Francisco.

So let’s get this straight, California has spent 10 years and $5 billion trying to build two high speed train lines just between a four cities. And has failed miserably. But according the 70 Democratic congresspersons and 5 major and many minor candidates for President, high speed trains are going to eliminate the airline industry in just 10 years across the entire continent?

It is just too stupifyingly idiotic as to be beyond belief. But it is all true.

How did California get into this mess? The root of such massive waste is their population’s obsessive concern over climate change. Since cars and planes are so damaging to the environment that we will all die in 12 years or so, the voters in Californuts voted to tax themselves $10 billion to build a lightning fast choo choo from LA to San Francisco. And for reasons that can only be explained by politics, from Bakersfield to Merced. Literally tens of people are projected to ride that line daily.

As it turns out, building train lines is massively complicated and expensive. Land owners are not eager to have train tracks producing ear splitting noise running thru their property. They have lawyers, and money to pay them. We don’t have coolie labor any more, so digging tunnels and building bridges turns out to be pretty pricey.

Just an example: (LA Times)

And then there’s California’s dynamic geology to contend with. In 2016, engineers said they had to dig a 13.5-mile tunnel through the Diablo Range because their earlier plans cut too close to the San Luis Reservoir. But boring through the unstable mix of hard sandstone, weak shale and boulders has put the estimated cost of that single stretch between $5.6 billion and $14.4 billion.

You could excuse all of this left coast insanity if the project ever made sense to anyone. But realistically, train travel sucks on all levels.

Trains can travel a maximum of 220 miles an hour, conceptually. In reality, more likely about the speed of cars for all practical purposes, (70 MPH). Meanwhile, commercial airplanes travel 575 miles an hour. So a train will take you 2.6-8.0 times longer than an airplane. Travel from LA to NYC is 2,789 miles. So at a minimum, you take a 4.8 hour flight and turn this into a 12.5 hour marathon, at best. By any standards, NO SANE PERSON will do this. Unless by government mandate of course.

Then there is the little matter of costs. There are no subsidies required for airline travel. The government makes money off it, rather. No capital investments are required to fly anywhere you want to go. No environmental impact statements, or seizing property from innocent citizens by eminent domain. The infrastructure is all built out. Basically free to us taxpayers. You can fly from LA to SF for $149, or approximately the cost of dinner for 2 at Maggiano’s. Affordable.

Judging by the California experiment, we would need a staggering $200 trillion to build out the high speed train system nationwide. OK I made that up, but you can’t even guess how much it would cost. I might be conservative. Remember, 13.5 miles is going to cost $14.4 billion.

In sum, our experiment in high speed rail indicates it is a complete failure. Based on this experience, the Democratic Party has built is future on its success.

You can still register as a Republican, Independent, or Raving Looney Monster Party member. Too sane for you?

Well, I wrote this snark/blog too fast. Now it turns out that the Attorney General Mark Herring wore blackface too, while a 19 year old undergrad at the University of Virginia. He and his friends were rappers. They were probably funny, but hey now we “know” they are racists. So he is out now too. I suggest the Democrats at the top of the power structure dress up in whiteface and pretend to be a mayonnaise group, like say the Doobie Brothers. Will sustain them in their coming retirement.

I have amended my blog of last night to keep up with the ongoing mirthful merriment.

In the state of Virginia, political chaos and therefore hilarity ensues. The Governor, previously known as a reliable Liberal but not otherwise controversial, decided to endorse 9 and ½ month abortion. As a result, his med school roommate outed him as a Michael Jackson impersonator back in the day. 25 years ago.

He actually won a dance contest as Michael, (noted child rapist) which let’s concede is pretty admirable for a white guy.

For this sin, he has been ritually flogged as a racist. Apparently dressing up as a member of another race is now worse than being against Medicare For All or whatever. Although in fairness, his nickname at medical school was “Coonman”. So he might be a virulent racist.

On the other hand, it turns out that many, many comedians have committed this identical sin. That is, having some fun spoofing another person or member of the opposite race. This used to be known as comedy, but is now recognized as similar to Stalin starving 30 million Ukrainians to death back in the 1930’s. After having committed such crimes, you have to give up your day job and become a non person, sort of like Anthony Weiner or Al Gore. So time for “Coonman” to head to the great lefty scrap heap, to join Hillary and Joe Biden on the pyre of failed Democratic Politicians.

Jimmy Kimmel Mocks Karl Malone as an Idiot

Meanwhile, the Lt Governor, Justin Fairfax, who is next in line to be The Gov, is now accused of rape. As we know, we must believe all female accusations, so he is out too.

Old Text: We can only speculate as the sins that the next guy in line, Mark Herring (attorney general) has committed. My bet is on puppies in the wood chipper, or possibly having a lousy haircut.

New Text: So Mark Herring the next in line after Northam and Fairfax, now smells like a 5 day old version of his namesake fish. As a known racist dressing up in blackface, he has to be tossed out of the Gov succession pool also.

We now know that the next guy in line is one Kirk Cox, the Speaker of the Virginia House. In his picture, below, he looks like a guy who is has already measured the Governors office to make sure his desk will fit. Let’s guess what politically incorrect crime he committed in his youth. How about “mooning” a bus full of church ladies while in High school?

Kirk Cox, Next Gov?

Kirk Cox Lunar Display?

So have a hearty laugh at the expense of the State of Virginia, famous as the home state of the most presidents in our history. Heretofore admired as a fairly sober, purple state full of reasonable people living comfortably off of the US government currency printing press.

Now they are clearly whackos that elect a rogues gallery of racists, rapists, and possibly perverts who flash old ladies.

New Text: So it seems that Virginia is even more screwed up than Illinois, where the governors office is inside the state prison at Joliet, to save transportation costs. Possibly Virginia will move the governors mansion inside a local comedy club, and charge admission to their mockable Governance.

]]>https://billybushwood.com/2019/02/05/al-jolsen-returns-ralph-coonman-northam-channels-michael-jackson/feed/0ralph northambillybushwoodJimmy KimmelKnoxmooningMocking Modern Arthttps://billybushwood.com/2019/01/07/mocking-modern-art/
https://billybushwood.com/2019/01/07/mocking-modern-art/#respondMon, 07 Jan 2019 17:31:31 +0000http://billybushwood.com/?p=1375So easy, an art major can do it

I recently paid a visit to a local modern art museum. Unlike many art patrons, I don’t go to appreciate the so called artwork. I go to be amused and mock the silliest of the items some delusional museum director has somehow found to be a master piece. This despite the fact that many displays are clearly meant as an expensive prank.

I am the first to admit that within the walls of many modern art museum can be found actual examples of artistic merit. For example, many artists such as Picasso, and others of his school, create work that any one of could agree we would be glad to have grace our walls.

However, for every such example, we can cite five displays of random tractor parts. Or what appears to be vomit sliding down the walls.

My son has helpfully identified the four types of exhibits in a modern art museum:

Modern in concept, but still appealing and you would be happy to own

Paintings and sculptures which are modern but apparently intentionally meant to be ugly

Here are some examples of the 4th group, easily perused for free at your taxpayer supported Smithsonian National Art Museum.

Let the mocking begin. Note that there is some risk of offending people who actually believe these constitute art. It is not considered polite to point at the exhibits and laugh hysterically while such art snobs are in close proximity.

This is in the main lobby. So this is art? No, it is clearly a fraud of some sort. We called it Limp Dicks On a Cart. Its divine! And priceless! No one but a tax payer would pay a nickel for it!

This looks like the artist stepped in something nasty, and took out his anger on an unsuspecting piece of canvas. I call it “A Study In Brown”. What exactly we are supposed to take away from this, other than possibly the artist was between support checks from his parents when he ran out of other colors, I can’t begin to fathom.

This is so obscure that I can’t even come up with a good way of mocking it. It is self satire personified.

Upon careful reflection, it is clear that artist was making a broad comment on the futility of effort in modern society, and the unfairness of the capitalist system. Although it is just entirely possible that he has some bronze parts left over from disassembling an old TV stand, and voila! Art! When you standing on this, you are instantly inspired to head to the next room.

Here we see the artists attempt to connect the concept of discordant visual planes within a space. Although one cannot be blamed from observing that all that happened is the artist leaned an old shelf against the wall.

This piece of “art” most closely resembles a dishrag attached with pins to the wall. Or possibly it is a commentary on women’s abandonment of washable diapers? At least we know this artist did not starve from having spent all of their money on raw materials.

Here is something that is sure to inspire your dinner guests. The lights on either side flash on and off. After much thought, I felt that it was commentary on man’s search for meaning in an unfeeling world. Alternatively, it could be the artist threw up on his/her apartment wall, attached the lights and blue square, in an effort to con the landlord on giving his full damage deposit back.

Some day when there is nothing on TV and it is too wet outside to play croquet, find a friend who is similarly uncultured. Drink 5 liters of beer. Then head over to your local modern art museum. Go through the area with the goofiest articles of “art”, and roundly mock them. Hopefully you will find this as artistically fulfilling as my family does.

]]>https://billybushwood.com/2019/01/07/mocking-modern-art/feed/0limpbillybushwoodimg_0273untitled emery blagdonimg_0271img_0272img_0270img_0268White House Announces New Members of White House Press Corpshttps://billybushwood.com/2018/11/18/white-house-announces-new-members-of-white-house-press-corps/
https://billybushwood.com/2018/11/18/white-house-announces-new-members-of-white-house-press-corps/#respondMon, 19 Nov 2018 01:51:27 +0000http://billybushwood.com/?p=1369Starting tomorrow, November 18 2108, The White House Press Corps will be joined by Billy Bushwood, Michael Avenatti, Kurt Mueller (COO of The Onion), and Bram McGeister, Senior Head Smasher for the Manchester United Football Hooligans Club.

The inclusion of these distinguished correspondents was mandated by a Federal Judge, who was immediately taken to rehab to cure him of his gasoline huffing habit. The above group sued to force their inclusion, on the grounds that excluding them violated their 1st amendment rights. Apparently the White House must admit anyone who can, however implausibly, declare themselves to be a serious journalist. It’s right there in the 66th Amendment:

“The right of obnoxious, abusive, press hacks to interrupt the President shall not be infringed.”

WE quote the world famous blogger, Billy Bushwood, as follows:

“It is about time that I was allowed to join the White House Press Corps. I have been unfairly prevented from taking my rightful place at the conferences by a secret right wing cabal. Their clear intent is to criminally stop me from my Constitutionally mandated right to yell questions written by Bernie Sanders at Trump. I plan on asking Trump if he really planned to mandate the reimposition Separate But Equal schools, invading Bayonne New Jersey, and if he still abuses puppies. I will do this wearing a clown outfit, and ringing a large cowbell if anyone tries to interrupt me.

These sentiments were echoed by Mr. McGeister, reached via Skype at his local pub in Brixton, England:

“Gorm skell, rrpit , Fick ‘rump,” he remarked. Robert DeNiro has tweeted his support of this sentiment.

All of these new correspondents are expected to act with more decorum than that mustered by Jim Acosta, who had been excluded from the United Hooligans Club because f his known history of violence.

Clearly my blog is having far greater reach and influence that I knew. This alarming news report is about a woman who wanted to get in early on the testicle eating contest being put on in Blue Ball, Pennsylvania by the the N.O.W.

The report, available thru the following link, indicates that women are being inspired to taste male private parts (in this case, in a cannibalistic way). Undoubtedly due to my blog on this disturbing testicle cooking contest.

Men, I suggest that you take safety precautions when contemplating a tryst with an unknown, crazy, drunk/drug addled, and or hangry wench.

For those of you who have spent your formative and recent years playing online poker or knitting sweaters, and who have therefore managed to miss the endless estrogen infused whinefest known as the N.O.W. (“we support the immediate abortion of Donald Trump Sr and Jr.”), you might not know that they have a new cooking school. The program involves recipes using testicles as the base ingredient. To those males currently crossing their legs defensively, they purport to only be using the gonads of domesticated farm animals. But considering their opinions concerning American males, can anyone doubt they have your family jewels in mind for their next tapas recipe?

The N.O.W. got the brainstorm about this new service offering from the 7th (!) annual Testicle Cooking Contest, based in Ozrem, Serbia. This event features a variety of spicy dishes that involve the private parts of animals. Women fly in from as far as Israel to participate and judge the results. The fine ladies at N.O.W. naturally enthusiastically endorse the idea of cutting the balls off of any male creature, four or two legged. Intense gratification is gained from munching on the resulting product in a variety of suck-ulent (hah!) dishes. With a side of whole pickles and olives, of course.

Lest you mock my column by doubting my veracity, I have included the following link, which shows that this time at least I am not making this up.

Now, it should come as no surprise that the headliners at the annual N.O.W. Testicle Cooking Contest should be world famous ball buster, Hillary Clinton, and noted schlong slicer Lorena Bobbitt. The ladies have graciously agreed to judge this year’s event, which will be held in Ozrem and then again in Blue Ball Pennsylvania. (A real place, look it up). While males are invited to this event, it is recommended that such attendees wear a cup and bring a taser to ensure their family jewels don’t wind up in a chili entry.

Your Manhood On the Menu! Lorena Bobbit

OK, now for the onslaught of bad jokes.

Popular testicle recipe: Jerk flavored

Line on the Specials Board: “Order the Testicles: A great appetizer at cock-tail hour”

Finger Licking Good!

I’ll take 2 to go!

I would like a mouthful, please

Warning: When served cold, you may experience shrinkage

We cannot guarantee that you dish will not explode due to earlier inactivity

Note: Obnoxious cackling while eating the testicle entrees means you are a nasty bitch

There you have it folks. Sign up for the cooking class, you can register at the Best Western Intercourse Inn and Suites (a real hotel folks) by clicking on the following link:

The door prize is a pair of bulls testicles pickled in sweet and sour sauce. I recommend that all males enter walking backwards.

]]>https://billybushwood.com/2018/10/11/national-organization-for-women-announces-cooking-classes/feed/0Lorena BobbitbillybushwoodWorld-Testicle-Cooking-Ch-006WTF-What the Fursuit?https://billybushwood.com/2018/07/23/wtf-what-the-fursuit/
https://billybushwood.com/2018/07/23/wtf-what-the-fursuit/#respondMon, 23 Jul 2018 14:24:53 +0000http://billybushwood.com/?p=1355Billy here, back from a self imposed exile that was lamented by exactly zero people. Such is the reinforcement that keeps obscure and talent challenged bloggers going. Or not, in my case.

However, some giggle inducing weirdness just can’t be ignored. I bring you a commentary on more people having strange and inexplicable hobbies.

In this instance I am referring to people who dress up as cartoon animals (not any famous characters, like Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck, just costumes designed to be cartoon-like). These people then get together and share their faux furry presence with each other.

I feel it is fair to warn you now, that the following blog is riddled with bad animal related puns. A hare-raising experience for everyone! Not for scaredy-cats!

I actually met a bunch of them at one of their conventions. I was in a hotel, minding my own business (meaning headed towards the 2 for 1 margarita special at the bar) and I passed by one of these very curious characters.

Fursuiters Un-Leashed

When you walk by someone dressed like this, and you are not in someplace where public oddity is expected, (such as Portland Oregon or college campuses), you tend to make a mental note. Such as, did they let the inmates out of the asylum especially for Happy Hour, or did they all just escape and hope to fit in with the whackos at an Antifa meeting?

Determined to get insights into this, and intending to gather fodder for a future Bushwood screed, I stopped and said hello to these perfectly nice, articulate, but outwardly insane costumed characters. It turns out that they belong to an organization called “Fur The More”, whose existence I know you think I am making up but the attached link will prove that it exists in all its mockable glory.

People who dress up like cartoon animals are known as fursuiters. Some spend thousands of dollars on their dog and catsuits In answer to what one does at a “Fur The More” convention, I was told that they assemble to speak to one another, compare costumes, and frankly I can’t remember what the hell else. I finally concluded that they get together to convince themselves that they are not completely batty.

The largest convention, known as the Mid West Fur Fest, attracted 8,800 fursuiters. Note with a snigger that his is more people than go to an American professional soccer game. There are international fursuiter conventions, in Germany, (FurKrauts), Canada (FurCnucks), United Kingdom (LimeyFurs) and the Philippines (PhiliFurs).

But wait, just when you thought this story was hilarious enough, there is much, much more! The official website of this motley crew is called the Wiki Fur, and this tells us that there are six sub species within this official group.

Job. They somehow make a living dressing up as cartoon animals. Bringing home the bacon (snort).

Charity. These folks volunteer to entertain kids and raise money-can’t do anything but compliment that of course.

Role playing. This is not further explained, but apparently you only half dress up. This strikes me as related to the sexuality sub-species

Event entertainment. As best I can tell they just show up to show off at parades and conventions.

Spirituality. Such furbrains feel that wearing costumes expresses their inner animal self. My best guess is that somewhere deep inside, they understand that they are loons.

Sexuality. As you probably guessed, this sub species dress up in hopes of getting some “tail” from a randy fox or hound. The organizational rules call for they all do this doggie style (york). Some tailor their suits to allow..er.. access for this purpose.

Autumn Vixen. Real Person in fursuit. Rowr!

So there you have it, more Americans behaving hilariously for our mocking enjoyment.

]]>https://billybushwood.com/2018/07/23/wtf-what-the-fursuit/feed/0Fur The Morebillybushwoodautumn vixenOur Porny President and a Way to Solve The Deficithttps://billybushwood.com/2018/03/27/our-porny-president-and-a-way-to-solve-the-deficit/
https://billybushwood.com/2018/03/27/our-porny-president-and-a-way-to-solve-the-deficit/#commentsWed, 28 Mar 2018 02:08:15 +0000http://billybushwood.com/?p=1340

The revelations by Stormy Daniels that she porked the Prez, back when he was just a horn dog reality TV star, as opposed to politician, did not catch anyone by surprise. I am doubtful that anyone does not believe he screwed her, or the Playboy Pet of the Year that he also paid for her silence. I surely do. Donald has been nothing if not consistent in his sexual proclivities.

Paid for Sex and Silence (?)

As an aside, his bimbos are WAY better looking than the floozies Bill Clinton was shagging back in Little Rock, and in the White House, (presumably in his Arkansas Razorbacks hat, sooo-eee Pig!) So if Donald is a disgusting pig, at least as President he ruts with a better class of sow.

Paula Jones is just as attractive as Hillary.

OK as usual I am digressing. It is highly unseemly that our Prez should be publicly outed stepping out with a Porn Star, even if it was 10 years ago. But I see an opportunity here. Let’s face it, we have a HUGE deficit. Depending on who you ask, it is either an unsustainably large amount, or the end of the world as we know it. (Ask either an Economist or a palm reader, both can claim the same amount of predictive accuracy).

Bill Ready to Screw Interns

So, rather than rend our garments in despair that we have a president that has a history of cavorting with sluts, how about trying to use his sex habits to solve our pesky deficit problem? I say, have Trump appear in a sex video with Ms Daniels. Not only we he likely enjoy the nostalgic horizontal bop, but he can charge $10 per view. If only 50 million people pay up, we can cut half a Billion off of the budget deficit. Donald is currently donating his annual salary to charity, surely he would be willing to donate the proceeds of his sex romp with Ms. Stormy to public causes as well.

The beauty of this proposal is that it will cost us long suffering tax payers nothing. Although the thought of watching Donald’s fat, 70 year body in action is slightly nauseating. Possibly I will watch 2 Broke Girls reruns, (or actually do anything else) instead. But hey, I am sure there a while lot of voyeuristic perverts will pay ten bucks to watch the Donald and Stormy show I require only 10% of the proceeds for dreaming up this disturbing idea.

On a separate note, I was highly amused to hear the latest story concerning women demeaned by sexual harassment in the work place. I was listening to NPR this week, and you just won’t believe it. The women who are absolutely traumatized by sexual advances in the workplace are (drum roll) SEX WORKERS! So, the women that have sex for a living, AT WORK, are concerned about people coming on to them for sex AT WORK. This is beyond belief, and parody.

Existential question: What is the legal and metaphysical difference between a prostitute, who receives sex for money, and a porn star, who receives sex for money? Answer: one is on film, the other is not. Why does every whore not make a movie of each sex act, and claim exemption from prosecution as she is an “Actress”? Beats me.

I also note the onset of hyperinflation. Donald paid Stormy $130,000 to keep their affair a secret. And she leaked like an FBI Director. How much money does actual silence cost?

OK enough about porn stars, Playboy bunnies, presidents, and whores. I will return now to my perusal of various biblical passages.

Most of us believe that the word research, particularly when funded by the government (as opposed to say, the research you did on Jennifer Lawrence’s leaked nude photos) is highly scientific and rigorous. You meet some professor, ask what he/she does, and they say, “I am the Alfred E Newman Professor of

Phys Ed at Twink-ee University. I do high level research into the physiognomy of pygmy goats. It consists of groundbreaking studies into how pygmy goats communicate with one another. I am currently working off of a $25M grant by the Department of Goatology, within the DOA.”

Professor Al Newman At Work

You, not understanding a word of that, but not wanting to appear an unlettered rube, nod sagely and respectfully, and forever after that believe you have been in the presence of intellectual genius. After all, he has a $25 million grant from an important sounding government agency, which comes complete with an acronym! He must be important and brilliant! That guy, is a SUPER GENIUS.

However, what that guy likely is, is a charlatan doing shoddy work and getting paid top dollar for it.

Check out this statement by the editor of The Lancet (publication considered an authority on scientific research;)

Richard Horton, the editor of The Lancet recently put it only slightly more mildly: “Much of the scientific literature, perhaps half, may simply be untrue.” Horton agrees with Ioannidis’ reasoning, blaming: “small sample sizes, tiny effects, invalid exploratory analyses, and flagrant conflicts of interest, together with an obsession for pursuing fashionable trends of dubious importance.” Horton laments: “Science has taken a turn towards darkness.”

So most scientists are basically full of shit. (But hey, at least many of them are Concerned!) There are some reports that something like 80% of all published research results have the truth level of a Nancy Pelosi speech. Eat pizza and drink beer to your hearts content, the scientist who says that this will kill you has the veracity of a Trump tweet, or the integrity of Harvey Weinstein auditioning actresses.

Now you think well OK the scientific community is one big Bernie Madoff faith invention factory. Do I really care? After all, I eat pizza and drink beer no matter what the beaker boys in the lab at Twink-ee U. have to say. Always have, always will. So let them publish rot and baloney, what does that mean to me? (As an aside, Bernie ripped off only $65 billion over 20 years, which our government manages to waste on useless research in just 3 years).

Bernie Madoff, a minor thief compared to scientists

The answer, the reason you care, is that the Augean Stable of horse excrement is being paid out of your personal pockets. Or more accurately, adding to the national debt our grandchildren will be saddled with. And for those who despise leeches who mooch at the public trough, and enjoy luxurious lifestyles at our considerable expense, this is your opportunity to get outraged. And brothers and sisters, we are all getting ripped off and it’s time to get really PISSSED.

According to this article, the US Government spent $37 billion on basic research in 2015, meaning that the waste was $16.5-$29.6 BILLION. Lest you think this is peanuts compared to the amount we waste on say, writing off student loans to puppeteering majors, I like to point out that this amounts to $750 per tax payer. Understanding that the majority of Americans have less than $33.50 in their savings accounts, you can get the point that this is real money being spent with the fiscal prudence of a trophy wife at Tiffany’s.

The only good news in all of this is that our profligate government has dropped its share of this squandering to less than 50% of the total. Whew. Let some private companies waste billions, at least we aren’t on the hook for that. (Note, hilariously, this article laments the fact that our government has decreased its share of wasteful spending on research. I hope the author’s spouse has control of the checkbook).

There you have it everyone. Our brilliant government is pending $17-$30 Billion ANNUALLY on research that is total, complete malarky. But take heart. At least some PhD’s that have no obvious purpose on earth have vacation homes in the Hamptons. Not to worry, you can row a dingy past their mansions, and wave to your wasted dollars.

Guys, many of you are walking around with your Supercuts hairstyle, hoping against all hope that passersby are not laughing uproariously at the impact of the butchery you got 2 months ago. You are thinking, I can’t afford fifty bucks every six weeks with a real stylist, I can’t really even justify $25.00 every 10 weeks with the beauty school dropouts or recent illegal immigrants with unsharpened scissors down at the strip mall. Best to wear an old John Deere ballcap to hide the carnage. So you sheepishly skulk around, hoping no hot chicks will laugh openly at your pathetic hairstyle.

But trust me, you are far from the goofiest doof currently infesting the streets, from a hair style perspective. No, there are people who pay real money, lots of it, to make themselves look like semi finalists in the Bozo look alike contest. In other words, these people pay real money, hundreds of dollars to look completely asinine. Thanks for the laughs you morons!!!!

Current Hairstyle Leader

To me, this is one of the really fantastic things that happened in 2017. Instead of searching for laughs among late night comedians, we can simply watch the risible knuckleheads walking through the local Wal-Mart, or even better, running point for an NBA team, to feel a vast sense of stylistic hair superiority.

There was a time when hairstyles for men were strictly minimalistic. The cost of sustaining the au courant style was virtually nil, and some guys were able to achieve it without any effort at all (bald guys). This was the golden age of men’s hair styles, when you could be cool for the cost of a twenty nine cent Bic razor and some Barbasol. You could follow the ultra hip example set by Michael Jordan. Without a nazi tattoo, you are not a skin head, but a cool, shaved head dude. The only guys we laughed at during this period were those sporting mullets. (Still worth mocking to this day.)

Cool Mullets sported by Fortune 500 CEO’s

Michael Jordan Hairstyle ultra cool!

Those days, alas, are gone. They have been replaced by hairstyles inspired by Dr Suess, dystopian sci fi flicks, and The Walking Dead. I have observed the most hysterical hair styles that I can recall in my whole life. Guys walking around looking like refugees from a zombie barber shop. Thanks for the laughs, you ridiculous mooks! And for letting more normal guys score the chicks, who have to be laughing equally if not more loudly! That’s right doofuses, the chicks are in on the joke. They are screwing guys with regular guy haircuts while you shop for robot girl friends on the dark web!

We all know that Laughter is the Best Medicine, right? OK, here is the rogues gallery of hair style currently being sported by the so called “men” of today. Have to love young guys making complete asses of themselves providing free laughs to the world. Your charity is our well being.

Let the mocking begin!!! Let’s face it everyone, these guys look like complete idiots. Their mothers throw rotten vegetables when they come home. Potential girl friends bolt to the exits when they enter a party. And real men make sure these goofballs only get lite beer and cape codders to drink at the party.