Thursday, August 31, 2006

In the commentary for the movie Eve and the Firehorse, the director Julia Kwan said she doesn't actually feel deserving of giving a commentary; this being her first film...I beg to differ...

Watching weird unknown film titles used to be what I do. Going and hang out at my local video rental show and browsing through titles picking anything up...the weird the unusual especially was a habit. Anything that catches my eye...and because i 'allow' myself to watch movies without big stars or big media hype or even hype in the artistic sense... I do sometimes discover absolute gems...but nowadays I hardly have time to watch films and thus my film watching diet has reverted to those movies in the cinemas with my girlfriend. I stopped buying dvds as I was pilling up on alot of DVDs that weren't getting into my player as is.

Yesterday though, a film caught my eye...it's called Eve and the fire horse.I picked it up.A most astonishing synopsis, it says it's about a little girl who tried to undo her mother's run of bad luck by going to Jesus and because her family is buddhist; the mixed understanding of religion results in an amazing fantastical religion of her own..I paid for it in an instance and was watching it immediately upon reaching home.

It was a most wonderful film...at first very subtle but with a beautiful imagery that shows alot of life's small details and chinese cultural elements in a Canadian migrant setting.Elements that I do see around me and often take for granted...elements inside a film was suprisingly beautiful and I sat with the wonder following eve's eye on things as if admiring everything again for the first time.

The film also bewildered me in it's treatment of religion. And it said so much without saying and asked question which gave me answers...if you get what i mean. Answers I can't define but smile knowing at heart...I guess a better explaination is visual cues brought up knowing/feeling something unexplainable that's not even existing in thought.. but feelings were provoked.Especially scenes treated with ambiguity in surrealism...this scenes were bewildering to the emotions.

Surrealistic scenes where Jesus danced with Buddha and where a goldfish sung karaoke.How these happened? Watch and see...It is unbiased towards christianity though it did tackle it head on with a child wondering why grandma pours tea for a God never thirsty? A nun saying that buddha isn't a God and Jesus is the one true God, a child defying her parents believe in Buddha to a buddhist mother saying it should be okay for my child to believe in christianity...afterall, another god means more 'protection' for her daugther rite?

If you loved Joy Luck Club, this is about in the same league genre-tically but in a much smaller and much more personal perspective of a little girl with a dose of religion.A wonderful gem of a film that leaves me so refreshed to thoughts and to go out and actively finding gems films again...

alot of people i know first ask who's the star and says eee...must be boring when I reply that there are no stars...allow yourself this one treat of a movie please...

Friday, August 18, 2006

I have been baptised a Catholic at birth and had my first holy communion at the age of 17. In highschool, I have been part of a group called YCS (Young Christian Students) which I am proud of till this day. I taught christianity to kids at camps and sunday school,simple stuff guided by text books and reciting prayers which i did sincerely in the hopes of giving something back.

Now I do sin, sometimes conciously (mostly being a guy with impure lustful thoughts) sometimes unconciously (getting angry and disrespectful to my parent over misunderstandings). I sometimes feel really unworthy of being Christain, I sometimes wallow and hide in the guilt of it...

Honestly, my faith is hitting an all time low but truly I still do believe in the Lord and want to better myself again religiously. I want to be able to be happy and right with God,honestly who doesn't?

My brother,a stout Catholic and previously an altar server have accused me of being a hype-Catholic, one who gets fired up to go to church every now and then but not having the commitment to go every week."You were going to church everyweek when you were in YCS because you had friends then you stop...you were going to church every week after the film passion of christ...then you stop again....what's wrong with you?" Honestly, my immediate reaction to this is anger...but upon reflection, I am thankful and believe he is half right. Yes, I do need to get fired up at times to go to church...but then honestly...in my lapses,I do still crawl into church now and then kneel extremely humbled and low at a corner to pray..." Lord...please make me a better person and please lead me to a better christain life...I want to make you proud of me..." Honestly...the Lord often rejuvenates me and I walk out with a tinge of happiness and all sorts of ideas come to me as to how to improve myself and the world around me but all to often...this sudden thirst to improve gets quenched in a busy busy world.

I come from a Catholic family, one that used to hold hands and say grace before meals...'used to' as in the tradition stopped after my grandmother's passing.But recently, during a Chinese New Year dinner, we did it again. My family is quite funny.In church, we do not sit as a family... Take for example, my brother and I,my grandfather, my dad and my uncle. We could go for the same mass and yet my grandfather will sit at one place while my brother another while my father and uncle at another...I once tried to sit at my grandfather's side only to have him drop hints to sit elsewhere next time. Does this mean that as a family we like to seek God in self and the solitute of it? Or does it mean that my family has not grown together in God. My family can also all go to church together...say wonderful things like peace be with you and then come out of church bickering about one another and the state of affairs.

When I met zhiling, she brought me to her church at Glad Tidings. One of the reason I loved her dearly was because when she was beside me in church singing, she turned into this most beautiful being. All happy with a huge smile singing her praises. This gave me sort of a revival again to be one with God...and I was at one point attending one service(in Glad Tidings) and one mass(in St. Ignatius) every week. There were obvious differences in the two but I wanted to be with her and sing praises but I also wanted to hold strong to my Catholic faith.That is not saying that the protestant way or any other religion whether Buddhism and Islam is wrong, just that mine is Catholism.

But then again,I had a friend tell me off...how can you profess to believe in Jesus being the one true God and still allow other religion to manifest? We must evangelize!

God...guide me?

Over the next few postings I am going to post openly and honestly on my thoughts of God and christianity,please contribute your comments...I am hoping this will lead to a greater understanding for me on God.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Last last week. Zhiling and I broke up. But what caused the breakup? She said on breaking up with me she’ll always love me….which confused me more…so why the breakup?

We were compatible and had no personal problems, we enjoyed each other tremendously whether on holiday trips, house chores like cooking, on email or doing her homework together…the situation was I have an ex-girlfriend who is quite helpless at times and me being quite the soft hearted person, I never hesitated to help her. Pixie was generous and was okay with me helping her as a friend, but my ex was jealous and mean to pixie so pixie often felt hurt (for those of you who know my ex, please help her and be a friend to her). That aside, I was putting God aside in part of my life thinking I’ll get religion back after I’ve worked out my career. Pixie always told me these things are hurting me and disappointing her…I was just so preoccupied by life and work that I didn’t heed her advice to improve myself and the position I am in thinking I’ll do it someday…So she decided to break up with me with the hope of me seeing my flaws.

When our relationship was all gone, I went through all our pictures, emails and was just swept by how important she is to me. I was in pain as I loved her so and having to put away all our stuff as we are no longer together brought more than a tear to my eye. How could I have hurt someone I love so much… unknowingly by not doing simple pleasing things that actually better myself and keep her. Why didn’t I notice these things until I lost her? I guess its part and parcel of forgetting what’s closest to you…

I asked her lets not end the relationship on a sour note as ours but give me one more outing with her and end it on a sweet note….at first she was reluctant and said only if one of her friend come along so I said, honestly I want to have you back…but if I can’t, I’ll really withdraw. She agreed….I examined myself closely and made notes to change...I painfully compiled a scrapbook of all the pictures we took together realising even more how much I do want her; I cut my hair, bought flowers and a parting gift for her. Then, I went over to her place early in the morning and helped myself into her house as her sister was on her way out of the gate to school and made her way to her room. I awoke her like I always do by gently combing her hair…and then I gave her the flowers…she smiled…I then grabbed her hand and put it on my hair…she smiled bewilderedly…I sat on the floor next to her bad and we talked for hours...as she looked through the little scrapbook…in the end of the book I asked if she’d be my girlfriend…because the first time she asked me and claimed it wasn’t official till I asked…I never did ask so we couldn’t have broken up…so…zhi will you have my hand to have, to hold and to love…my heart was beating furiously…she said yes…

I am wrong….but I am glad, I was able to get what meant a lot to me back…. That afternoon,we were dating in the most romantic place in K.L., JPJ headquarters Wangsa Maju, as pixie had to make her international driving license...I am smilling silly…she is too…she said she is glad that I realized…and that she never stopped loving me…I guess the lesson is sometimes we should not take what we have for granted…especially love and always do our best for our love and emphasize it in our lives as much as or more so than what many of us choose to emphasize on; money and career…

Pixie is still leaving for the states…and in a week I’ll still lose her…physically she won’t be next to me for the next two years…but I’ll have her comfortingly at heart and I think for that, I am already blessed.She is seating infront of me right now...she hasn't bath or change clothes since she awoke and she has just spent quite awhile in the kitchen preparing lunch...she smells...very nice...

Saturday, August 05, 2006

linus .. linus .... i'm feeling rather calm with a fuzzy feeling inside me... asking myself am i crazy or not crazy? but i'm gonna trust my heart... and it says u're someone very special to me..zhiling 9th november 2005

On 9th November last year...a beautiful pixie fell in love with a very lucky froggie and they became a couple.Froggie is very sad to say that Pixie has left froggie on the night of August 3rd 2006 ending our relationship....Froggie was very sad the whole of today and did what any grown man would do....pour over old pictures of himself and pixie, hug a pillow and cry. A frog's gotta do what a frog's gotta do.

Froggie may try to appear funny but froggie is very sad.Henceforth, the shoot of froggie's next short film slated for next week will be push back three weeks...froggie is in no position to shoot a love story for the next couple of days.Tears corrodes celluloid.

On August 8th 2006, Froggie went to pixie's friend's place in cameron tower supposedly to fetch zhiling home...then pixie sat froggie down and said she's decided...pixie then sent froggie home...sad froggie walked in the cold rain from taman tun to cameron towers in gasing with the hopes that this crazy deed will win pixie's heart again because froggie and pixie always do crazy things......upon arriving at 5am, froggie has to sit outside for two hours in the cold waiting...for pixie to wake up...pixie didn't care to see froggie...pixie's friend tried to send froggie off with a security guard...froggie says please...I love pixie...just give froggie one more chance to see and talk...if she asks me to go I will. Pixie asked froggie to go. Head held low...froggie left...his world in shambles.

Froggie is very sad...and is trying very hard to win pixie back...but pixie wouldn't return froggie's call,sms or emails...even when froggie showed up infront of pixie's house, froggie only got to talk with pixie's dad...not pixie.Pixie first saw froggie at starlight cinema...it is very sad that froggie wouldn't get to go with her this year...

Next day froggie receive this email...

I'm truly sorry that i have to do this. but it do not nessasary means an end to our relationship. please understand that the time for an 'us' is not now.zhilling

Froggie did nothing wrong,neither did pixie.... it was just a situation that's too long to explain... it came as a shock...

Dear zhiling...

I love you...I thought we are stronger than this...you said to me at the start that "I only date if it leads to marriage" I immediately said okay and promised you that I am committed to see this through...even through long distance as you will be going to the states...and now...you walked away...I am sad but I wish you every happiness....you did say hopefully one day we will be again...well hopefully...but for now I am heartbroken and sad...Dear,talk to me....you always said one of us must always save the relationship when the other breaks...I am trying dear...

...it was a wonderful journey and I hope that I have brought you the joy and happiness you've brought me...I'll miss you...

I wish you a good trip to the USA dear…go with God’s blessing and come home safe and always be happy cause that’s how you’ll always be remembered in my heart…hopefully not for the last time dear…I love you…thank you for everything…

Dear...I will not call to disturb you...but am still here sobbing...please call me if you change your mind...

About Me

Living Life to the full...I hope to live by the principle that success doesn't mean making a tonne of money though I am blessed that i do make a decent sum...but success equates to appreciateing all the God given wonder this world has to offer before my time is up...