- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.

- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

- Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

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Lost Dog

Mark loses his rare and valuable dog and advertises in the newspaper offering a very generous $1,000 reward for its return. After a few days of no replies, he goes to the newspaper for some information. He says to the receptionist, "I'd like to see Jim, the advertising manager, please."

"I'm sorry sir, but he's out," says the receptionist.

"Ok, so how about his secretary?"

"She's out too sir. In fact everyone from his department is out."

"Oh dear me," says Mark. "Where is everybody?"

"They're all out looking for your dog."

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Stand in the Corner

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 a.m. the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

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Camping Tips

- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.