Tough Lunches of the 21st Century (Zen Tokyo)

Date: April 20, 2014Location: Mucho Sushi

I met for lunch with my best frend
Kölū. She's a poet and performance artist and a real pain in the ass. As we munched on octopus appetizers she asked me: "What is the sound of one hand slapping your face?" I pondered this zen koan for a long moment before Kölū slapped my face so hard that blood ran out my nose.

"Brilliant," I said, enlightened.

While we split an avocado roll to its subatomic particles Kölū said, "Look upon the flower and the flower is looking back." While I searched the restaurant for blooms Kölū inserted her finger into my ear and drilled toward my brain. "Well-played," I remarked, as she emptied her glass of wine onto my plate, "you learn me so much"

After tossing a few Kamikaze rolls at an elderly couple in the corner Kölū said, "Hey, let's freak this place out, okay?"

For the next
forty-five minutes we put cucumbers down our pants and ate food off of random
tables, and if I recall correctly at one point we were both naked on a
tabletop snorting wasabi and singing "Love Shack."

The waitstaff
politely beat us with chopsticks until we left the premises, and as a result Kölū and I are banned
from Pepsi-serving restaurants until 2079.