Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
5291

Driven By Faith
Having just arrived at the airport, the Pope is running late for a meeting and orders his chauffeur to go faster.
Frustrated with the lack of progress, the Pope then switches places with his driver and takes the wheel. Their car is pulled over for speeding and the arresting officer radios in to the sergeant to find out what to do with such an important person.
His sergeant asks: "Just how important is he?"
"I don't know," replies the cop: "But he's got the Pope as his driver."
Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
5292

Heaven Help Us
Saint Peter is manning his post at the Pearly Gates when a Texan wanders up.
"Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says: "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels -- I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says: "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says: "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter: "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look: "Well, I only made $5,000 in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter: "What instrument did you play?"
Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
5293

Biggest Jerks
Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"
Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
5294

Three Girlfriends
There was once a man with three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5,000 and observe how she spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and then told the man: "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a plasma TV and a case of scotch and gave them to the man. She said: "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
The third one took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubling her investment. She then returned the $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest and said: "I invested the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits. Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
5295

The Punishment Fits the Crime
A feisty 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her: "What did you steal?"
She replied: "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied: "Six."
The judge then said: "I will give you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
Sternly, the judge said: "What is it?"
The husband said: "She also stole a can of peas." Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
5296

Growing Old
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Daniel's wife, refusing to give in to growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband: "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking her over carefully, Daniel replies: "Judging from your skin, 20, your hair, 18, and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushes: "That's so nice of you to say that!"
"Whoa, hold on there, sweetie," Daniel interrupts: "I haven't added them up yet!" Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
5297

What Men Really Mean
CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN
"I have no idea how it works."
TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD.
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.
"Are you still talking?"
OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
"I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
I CAN'T FIND IT.
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
"What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
"No one will ever see us alive again."
WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.
"I make the messes; she cleans them up." Ryan Murphy