Standards are something Stewart Parnell, the president of Peanut Corporation of America, also lacks. He's the guy who was so worried about losing profits that he pushed through shipment after shipment of salmonella-contaminated peanut products without a second thought for anything other than his bottom line — like, say, cleaning his fucking equipment or hundreds of sick little kids. So, he was up testifying in Congress, which is to say pleading the 5th because he knows full well what he did was illegal, and he got totally served by Oregon Congressman Greg Walden. Walden offered Parnell a taste from a big jar of peanut butter Walden's staff had helpfully decorated with police tape, and Parnell declined. As my friend Greg said last night: Mr. Walden, you should've eaten the peanut butter while pleading the 5th. Pop some Cipro and stuff your face with the stuff, then hole up at the Four Seasons in Georgetown until your ass explodes. And thus concludes today's lesson in guerrilla government relations.