“I like Steve, but…”

It’s a struggle for domination and Our Magnificent Orangeness continues down the path of nepotism at any cost (including sales of Ivanka’s Spring Collection). Heir apparent to the position of God, Jared Kushner, has already been shouldered with the following responsibilities: (1) reinventing government to run like a “great American company” (Polaroid comes to mind); (2) being the point man in diplomatic relations with over two dozen countries including China, Mexico, and Canada; (3) brokering peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians (what say we get that one done first, maybe next Tuesday); (4) solving the opioid crisis; (5) reforming the criminal justice system; (6) modernizing the Department of Verteran’s Affairs; and (7) serving as liaison to the Muslim community. It’s a good thing Tom Brady’s got a few seasons left in him or Jared would no doubt be tapped to fill his shoes as well. All that stands in the way of Kushner achieving omnipotence (and chronic acid reflux) is the man who, until a few days ago, appeared to hold the keys to the dilithium crystals on the Starship Enterprise. What follows is a photo essay tracing the political rise and fall of that man, who shall remain nameless.

October 10, 1975 — One day. I swear, I’m going to be even more of an obnoxious, racist, dickhead than I am now. And trust me, even though I’m only twenty-one, I’m already an obnoxious, racist, dickhead. You can ask anybody.July 1, 2015 — Today’s a very special day for our Breitbart listeners. It’s the birthday of David Duke and I’m sure you’ll all want to join me in sending out our best wishes in support of his never-ending fight for what’s white.September 16, 2016 — If you go stealing and stretching out another one of my bras you fat fuck freak, I’m telling the big guy and he’s going to kick your ass.January 11, 2017 — Okay, okay, settle down you guys. All the video shows is Donald peeing on them. There’s no penetration, nothing illegal. It’s all good, I promise.January, 23, 2017 — Here’s the deal, Steve. You’re now in control of the world. Just don’t fuck it up.February 1, 2017 — Who the hell are these three losers and how the hell did they get through security?February 28, 2017. So I like watching Family Feud on my day off. Is that some kind of federal crime? Huh? Well screw you.March 8, 2017 — From this angle do I have a Russell Crowe thing going on or what? Check this out: “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”April 4, 2017 — This White House photographer following everybody around twenty-four seven. You can[t even pick your goddamned nose anymore like a regular person.April 9, 2017 — So where are you guys going for Passover Seder this year, as if I give a shit you skinny little prick.April 12, 2017 — Whoever told you that’s a goddamned liar. I do not. Repeat, I do NOT smoke cigarettes… I EAT them, yeah, maybe two packs a day. But no way would I be caught dead smoking them.An uncertain date in 2017 — I hate to break it to you Dude, but you’re fired.The day after an uncertain date in 2017 — And by the way, the frozen burritos you kept stocked in your fridge, I’m keeping them.