YOUR VOTE

Getting mixed signals

I went out with a guy about a year ago. We were set up through a mutual friend. We had a good time and it ended in a good night kiss - nothing more. During the date we talked about going out the next weekend. In the meantime the guys texted me every day. Then, when Saturday rolled around he cancelled saying he had a friend in town. I still expected to hear from him but the texting just dropped off. I decided to send him a text and we talked. We made plans for that weekend coming up but I never heard from him. I assumed that he lost interest or whatever so I pretty much forgot about him. Then about a month and half later I hear from him out of the blue. We just made small talk - no plans to meet were made. I didn't hear from him for another 2 weeks. At that time he asked if I wanted to see him again. I figured I'd give him a second chance so I agreed. But again, I never heard from! In the meantime our mutual friend had told me that this guy was concerned that we lived too far apart (only 45 minutes!). So again, I assume that I'm not going to hear form him again. Then about another month and half goes by and guess who calls! I called him out on all the back and forth but I agreed to give him another chance. This time we actually did go out and again had a great time. Problem is we ended up drinking too much and had sex. This time I definitely figured I wouldn't hear from him afterwards but i did! He texted me or called regulary for 2 months after this, but still would not commit to making any plans. So again I just stopped hearing from him. Then after not hearing anything for a couple of months he texted me again. We hooked up again on New Years Eve and since then I've heard from every couple of weeks. When I hear from him its just small talk, updating each other. Occasionally the communication is sexual but he's not booty calling or giving me late night hook up calls. They are always in the evening during the week. During the calls he's always saying "we should get together soon". I always respond with "let me know when is good" or I'll say I'm available the next weekend for something but he never follows through. He also tells me that I'm allowed to call/text him as well (up to this point he was always the one to iniate contact because I assumed he was interested).

So, basically I'm confused by this guy's signals. When we talk it seems like he's interested - we laugh, etc. But it seems like something is holding him back which in turn makes me question his motives. Like I said he doesn't seem to just be wanting sex because its only happened twice in the time that I've known him. This back and forth communication has been going on for a year so I can' t imagine what's keeping him coming around but yet not getting anything out of it. Unless its just a self-esteem boost for him.

Our mutual friend says he likes me but he is extremely busy with work and doesn't have time for a relationship. He's never told me this directly - all he says is that he does travel alot with his job and isn't home much. I don't know if this is sincere or just a line. I was always under the impression that if a man was interested he would do whatever it took.

Lastly, another mutual friend told me that he has had a difficult history with women. His fiance was killed in an accident and his next relationship (which was his last) was with a woman who "went crazy on him", whatever that means. So I'm not sure if this is impacting him.

Anyway I like him but I recognize that this is going nowhere and I haven't let it keep me from dating others. Its kind of disruptive to get it out of mind only to hear from him again several weeks later. I guess I just want to know what his motivation might be and how I should handle it if I hear from him again?

ANSWERS

I have to agree with your friend, if he was truly interest, he wouldn't let anything keep him from being with you. And 45 minutes being a reason? I don't think you really believe that? That's just silly.

Since you recognize, for many reasons which are mostly his, the relationship isn't going anywhere, why not just leave it at that? He can be someone/a friend you chat with every once in a while. There's no harm in that.

His motivation is coming from his past experiences, his work schedule, etc. It could be a number of things -- none of which is you. You're not the issue here, he is. Emotionally and physically he's not available. I think that comes through loud and clear.

I think it's wise of you to keep dating. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. Who is available both emotionally and physically.

There may come a time in the future when this man gets his issues resolved. I wouldn't attempt anything with him until that happens.

He isn't truly interested in you. He is stringing you along, whether because he is busy with work or interested in something else, he seems to be giving you just enough breadcrumbs to make you follow along, but he never follows through. This guy doesn't like you. Move on. He already is.