Stop Apologizing for Your Child With Special Needs

2 min read

A few years ago, I attended a conference for parents of children with special needs. As the keynote speaker addressed the audience, there was a moment in her message where she explained that parents of children with special needs should stop apologizing for their children. She had noticed that parents feel a need to seek forgiveness for their child’s disability, their behavior, actions, inability to communicate, and more. She then sternly shouted…..

“Stop apologizing for your child with special needs.”

At first I was a little confused by her remarks. Yet, as she spoke, I had to ask myself that very question. Am I apologetic about Nate’s disability? Do I tell people “I’m sorry” when Nate does something that others may not think is “normal?” And after I apologize, do I feel the need to explain the reason for Nate’s actions? The answer to those questions was “Yes.” I did this often, more than I recognized.

I could recall occasions when Nate and I were in a store and he would make noise, self-stimming, and become overly excited. I would immediately try to calm him down, as I would say to onlookers, “I’m sorry, he has special needs.”

When Nate was younger and we attended church, he would become excited during the service and make “raspberry noises.” This would cause people to look in our direction. And there I was, once again, apologizing, before we slipped out of the sanctuary, so Nate wouldn’t be a distraction.

Throughout Nate’s life, I could recount many times saying, “I’m sorry, my son has special needs.” I apologized for Nate’s behavior on the bus, at his doctor’s appointments, in a restaurant, and more. It was something I felt I needed to do, as if I owed people an explanation.

And why was I apologetic?” Couldn’t people see that my child had special needs? “Why did I have to say I’m sorry?” “Why did I feel the need to explain that my child had special needs?” I don’t know why.

From that moment on, I decided that I was no longer going to apologize for who Nate was. He is being himself, so there is no need for me to say I am sorry or explain that my son has special needs. This is who Nate is and there is no need to apologize.

Awww! Thank you Char. I have and am still learning that I don’t need to always apologize for the noise Nate makes in a store or his laughing to loud. This is a part of who he is. I do see the world at times as being hurried and judgmental. I hope that we all (me included), can just look at people and be accepting. Thank you for reading and commenting.

I don’t have a child with special needs but I love your post, I’m a mom on one and I’ve seen other parents with special needs apologize for there kids, I’ve often said to myself it’s okay and I always smile at them

Thank you so much for reading. Yes, it is a hard one to stop. I sometimes feel myself explaining, especially when Nate is in the pool. Yet, some people stop me and say…..”I know.” and that makes me feel good. 🙂