Let’s CLAP for CAPITALISM!

“I and the fine folks at OligarCo are here to speak to you today through the magic of your classroom projector so we could tell you a little bit about how your country works.

“You know some people, angry people of questionable associations, might try telling you that America is not a swell place to call home. They might try telling you that America is, at it’s core, a nationwide planta- … Wait a second kids! It looks like one of you isn’t having a good time here today. Let’s go see if we can find out what’s wrong. Say! Say, Billy! What’s wrong?!”

“Siiiiiigh…”

“Aw, hey now, Billy! What’s got you so glum? Math homework too hard? Game of hit’em ball didn’t go as well as you thought it would? Upset at the comic book scourge turning your classmates into homosexuals? Sad that you’re too young to enlist for Korea? Say, Billy, why don’t you talk to these fine folks and tell them why you’re so sad?”

“Oh. Hi, Mr. Dick. It’s just…. It’s just that all of the kids at school have been making fun of me. It’s because of my house.”

“Your house?!”

“It’s all run-down and crummy and golly just look at it!”

“Well, tax-my-undeclared-assets. YOU’RE RIGHT, BILLY! But maybe the fine folks at OligarCo can do something to help you out. Your life won’t be a waking Merle Haggard song for much longer, Billy! PWISH!”

“Golly! Thanks, Mister!”

“And that’s not all! Take a look at your parents, Billy!”

“Mom! Dad! What happened to your boils??”

“Haw! Haw! Haw! That’s just one thing you get when the entire nation Claps For Capitalism!”

“Capitalism? Golly, what’s that?”

“Haw haw! Capitalism? Well other than being question 237 on the Alabama Board of Election’s literacy test, it’s also a very important concept for how our country is run.”

“You see, Capitalism is simply when people with money, or ‘capital’ drive a country’s economy through industry and financial investment in a free market.

“Or, as we like to tell you kids: Capitalism is when people with money drive the economy. Ice cream! Superman! Your pet goldfish went to heaven and is with Jesus now! Now what do you think about that, Billy?”

“That sounds okay, Mister. But my friend Henry’s dad is a coal miner and he says capitalism is bad. When he’s in a dangerous part of the mine, Henry’s dad says he can hear Capitalism deep in the tunnel, howling for his blood. What about him, Mister?”

“You see, Billy, Henry’s dad is what we call a ‘communist.’ I won’t explain what that is, but let’s let All-American football star Johnny Unitas tell you what he thinks of communism. Mr. Unitas? What would you say to Henry’s dad?”

“Communism t’aint up to snuff, nancy boy.”

“Haw! Well, that’s just swell, Johnny. Thanks. And you see, Billy, he makes a good point. Here, let me show you something.”

“You see, Billy, capitalism gives everyone the opportunity to make their own lives better. But lazy people like Henry’s dad think the government should do that for them! Can you believe that!?

“You know, Billy, communists don’t even believe in God! So is that why their children get eaten by wild dogs every night and wake up in hell? It’s something to think about!”

“I don’t want want to go to hell, Mister!”

“No American does, Billy, but thank Him Above that there are capitalists like OligarCo hard at work for the spiritual betterment of you and all of your little friends!

“Aw shucks, Billy, you know what? I’ll make you a deal: Once our pals in the Senate repeal some of these socialist labor laws, you and all of Ms. Burnstrom’s 3rd Grade Class can play with the fine folks at OligarCo in the industrial district every day until the sun goes down! Doesn’t that sound like fun, Billy??”

“And then, when I’m done working I’ll be able to retire like my granddad! Right, Mister?”

“…”

“Mister?”

“Any other questions, Billy?”

“Just one. So Henry’s dad was able to make his life better this WHOLE time?!”

“Haw! Haw! That’s right, Billy! That’s what can happen when the entire nation Claps for Capitalism!”

“So Henry was spawned from the loins of failures? Golly!”

“Well. I hope you learned something important today, Billy.”

“Sure did, Mister! In fact, I wrote a song about it. Would you like to hear it?”

Welcome to the third and final part of our Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue riff, home of the world’s worst drawing of Michelangelo. Here’s a bit of Garbage Duck trivia for you: even though we watched this special over 30 times during our writing and production sessions, this South Korean child’s rendering of a Ninja Turtle made us break out in fits of laughter every time we saw it. And really, that’s the most insulting thing about Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue; despite being endorsed by the President and mashing together characters on a level that hasn’t be seen since, this whole affair had the same budget as your average episode of Street Sharks. With an event of this magnitude, All-Stars’ dollar-store showmanship was more than a little disappointing; it’s kind of like advertising a Beatles reunion show, and then shoving a robot on stage that only knows how to play Smash Mouth covers of Monkees songs.

Part 1 of Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue might have been pretty lighthearted, but we’ve gotta warn you; part 2 is where shit gets real. Despite being no more than three years old and having their entire lives confined to just one room, the Muppet Babies drop some serious knowledge about drugs on our young protagonist, Michael. We’re not sure how a bunch of toddlers had access to said knowledge, but if a folding chair was present, Baby Kermit would turn it backwards so he could sit and “rap” with you kids about the time he lost his mind on Children’s Tylenol and revealed to the rest of the orphans that they were actually trapped in a hellish virtual reality simulation controlled by a sadistic supercomputer named AM.

If you missed out on Garbage Duck Live a few weeks ago, we’re not sure what to say. The whole thing ended up being as cool as Alf — wait, scratch that. It was cooler than Alf, plus ten Denver the Last Dinosaurs, and a small helping of that Saint Bernard mascot dog that shows up on plus-sized clothes at the outlet mall. Really, the only consolation we can offer you is our literally produced-at-the-last-minute Internet version of our Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue riff, originally written and performed for Garbage Duck’s first and only live show in Ohio. Please enjoy, even if you missed out on the comedy equivalent of the last night at CBGB’s, or the time Neutral Milk Hotel played a kid’s birthday party at Discovery Zone to achieve the maximum amount of obscure hipster credibility.