One man’s futile struggle against inevitability

Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves

I love people. Well, most people. Okay, some people – like a handful – out of 7 billion. If you feel the same way then there’s a good chance you’re in that handful. It’s actually gotten worse over the years, to the point that I am now distrustful of anyone who claims to enjoy interaction with the general public – my feeling being that they’re a bunch of hucksters with ulterior motives who are out to take my money.

Salesmen, televangelists, democrats; all up to something! No sooner do they gain your trust than they turn around and try to sell you a used car, or a ticket to Heaven, or an unsustainable social program. I understand there may be some idealists in the crowd that want to believe in the goodness of people, and therefore may not so jaded, but give it time. They’ll eventually be hornswoggled by some fly-by-night shyster and, for just three easy payments of $89.95, they too will develop a healthy contempt for humanity!

But the whole dishonesty thing is just the tip of the iceberg; dig deeper, and you’ll find that people also tend to be very strange. For instance, I recently encountered a gentleman in the restroom at work who was spending an inordinate amount of time in a stall. He was there when I walked in, and there when I left, and I was by no means in a rush. I am not suggesting that an employee hiding out in the men’s room for 20 minutes at the start of the workday is out of the ordinary, however, this particular person had laid his eyeglasses on the floor in front of him, indicating that he was either extremely focused on the task at hand, or he was dead, and the glasses had fallen off when he slumped over – though the sounds emanating from behind the door indicated that he was indeed alive, if perhaps struggling to stay that way. He might actually have been better off dead at that point – minus the ingratitude of being found stinky and pantless by Larry from accounting, who won’t sleep for at least a week, and now has to evacuate his bowels at the Dairy Queen across the street to avoid setting foot in the death bathroom ever again – because he’s going to wish he was dead when he picks those glasses up off the disgusting public restroom floor and puts them back on his face. I would like to have seen him come out, if only to have given him an appropriate nickname, such as ‘Ass-glasses’, ‘Poopeye’, or ‘Turd Ferguson’. And while I didn’t see who he was, I bet he’s a real brown-noser, always giving people the stink eye – OH MY GOSH the jokes just write themselves!

But just when you think everyone in the world is a dishonest loon put here to frustrate you, humanity goes and redeems itself by inventing something like this: the Portable Pizza Necklace.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve wished for this exact invention without even knowing it. Imagine having a conveniently accessible place to store an extra slice of pizza whenever you needed it; be it right out of the box to ensure no one else gets the meat-lovers, thus leaving you with veggie or cheese –which, let’s be honest, should not even be classified as ‘pizzas’ – or because you know you’ll want a piece later, it’s brilliant. Hopping on a flight this evening and don’t have time to grab dinner at the airport? BOOM! Pizza necklace! As long as your slice contains less than three ounces of liquid grease, you should have no trouble getting through security with your delicious pie. Or maybe your boss scheduled a meeting right over your lunch hour? Gone are the days when boredom and hunger pangs would lead to daydreams of eating your heftier coworkers – with the pizza necklace, you simple loosen your tie and whip out your perfectly preserved lunch. Unbutton your shirt far enough and you might even be excused from the meeting altogether!

I have personally been waiting for this invention since college when, while living off campus, I purchased a meal plan that allowed for one dining-hall visit per day. In order to avoid eating frozen burritos every night – which bothered my roommates more than it did me – I purchased some Tupperware, grabbed seconds or thirds on lunch, and then toted my leftovers around in my backpack all day until returning home to reheat them. It was a pretty solid system, so long as you didn’t mind the extensive bacteria growth during the 5-6hrs your food was actively spoiling in your bag. (I never made the connection until now, but I went through an awful lot of Tylenol Cold during that period.) The main drawback, however, was that the leftovers would inevitably be smashed by the time I got home for the night, making them much less satisfying. The pizza necklace could have completely changed my college dining experience – not to mention my college dating experience. Just imagine how delicious you’d smell all day long! If I know one thing about women (at least the chunky ones), it’s that there’s nothing they love more than a man that smells like cheese on account of his stylish pizza necktie. Practicality aside, they could market this product with just two words: Babe Magnet.

Available at Amazon for the bargain price of $50, this 8lb bag of colored goo could meet all your mini-marshmallow needs for the better part of a decade – and the best part is that you never have to worry about them going bad, because they’re made from 100% preservatives! Not a natural ingredient in the bag! Once again, humanity hits a redeeming homerun.

So maybe my initial assessment was a little harsh. Maybe the little mermaid was right, and a world that makes such wonderful things can’t be that bad? These particular people clearly have my best interests in mind, so maybe the other ones do too? Maybe – just maybe – I should reevaluate my positions, open my heart, and really listen to what everyone has to say? Or maybe this just goes to show that even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while. I’m probably going to go with the latter. Either way, I have to get my credit card because these life-changing products aren’t going to buy themselves, and if I order in the next thirty minutes, they’ll send me a free gift worth an additional $30!

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Thanks to Jenny Rodgers and Katie Lee for bringing these products to my attention!