PLANET OF FIRE

I may as well be watching Wish You Were Here with Judith Chalmers

Part One

Sue: Ooh, we like Peter Grimwade, don’t we?Me: Yes, he’s a very good director.Sue: Excellent.Me: But he didn’t direct this.Sue: Oh. Well, at least we’re on location. That’s good. This is a very impressive quarry, actually.

Sue: This definitely isn’t filmed in Wales, so where are we? This is gorgeous. And is that Jason King?Me: Yes, it’s Peter Wyngarde.Sue: He’s gone overboard with the eye shadow.Me: Do you like Peter Wyngarde?Sue: I liked him as Jason King. Where the hell are we anyway? It’s not Jersey, is it?

Meanwhile, on the TARDIS, the Doctor is still het up about the Daleks when a plaintive electronic scream pierces the air.

Sue: What the…?

It’s Kamelion!

Sue: What the…?Me: That’s what’s been missing from the TARDIS all this time.Sue: Oh yeah, I’d completely forgotten about him. So where has he been hiding? Has he been charging his battery for the last six weeks? And I thought my iPhone was bad.

The TARDIS intercepts a distress signal from Trion as Turlough sabotages the ship.

Sue: Eh? Has Turlough gone bad again? Is the Black Guardian in this one?

Meanwhile, on Lanzarote…

Sue: It’s… It’s… It’s…

Sue is pointing excitedly at Nicola Bryant.

Sue: It’s Nev Fountain’s girlfriend!Me: Yes, that’s right, it’s Nicola Bryant.Sue: I’m not going to say anything about her American accent because I know it’s not real. I know this because I’ve met her. She was lovely.

Peri is arguing with her stepfather, Howard.

Sue: I’ll tell you something, though. Her American accent is definitely better than his.

Peri wants to travel the world.

Sue: She’s very beautiful. Having said that, there’s plenty of eye-candy for the mums as well. Howard can’t act for toffee but he’s very easy on the eye.

Peri handles a strange, alien object.

Sue: That’s a bit phallic.Me: Do you think?

Meanwhile, on the planet Sarn…

Sue: This is a strange Nativity play. There’s too many shepherds. The actor playing the Chosen One is terrible, but I bet his parents are still very proud of him.

The Doctor and Turlough arrive on Lanzarote. The real Lanzarote. No, not Sarn. Yes, I had to explain this to Sue as well.

Sue: Ooh, I’ve just noticed that the Doctor is wearing an embroidered waistcoat. I’m sorry but I’m too distracted by this location to pick up on the usual details. I may as well be watching Wish You Were Here with Judith Chalmers.

Peri, who has been stranded on her stepfather’s yacht, decides to take drastic action.

Sue: Oh, hello…Me: I’ve been dying to tell you this for years, and now it will finally make sense. The thing is, I was the first person to tell the internet that Nev and Nicola were going out with each other.Sue: Are you the sci-fi version of Hello or something?Me: I wrote: “Nev will never have to watch Planet of Fire ever again”.

Peri is drowning and Turlough notices her plight on the TARDIS scanner. He zooms in for a better view.

Sue: Yeah, go on, Turlough, get your lens right in there, you perv.

Bizarrely, Turlough isn’t exactly thrilled by this distraction.

Sue: Turlough can be very selfish. I like that about him, though. It makes him more realistic.

Turlough reluctantly decides to rescue Peri.

Sue: He’s left the ****ing TARDIS doors open again.

Turlough strips down to his pants and saves Peri’s life.

Sue: So she jumped into the sea but she can’t swim? Was that wise? Peri’s not going to be completely thick, is she?

The Doctor is sitting in a bar when his detector beeps. He puts a handful of alien tokens on the table and runs off.

Sue: That reminds me of my favourite joke. An alien walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve aliens, you’re not welcome here”. So the alien says, “Can I stay if I buy a round of drinks for everyone?”. The bartender eventually agrees, and when he’s finished serving the drinks, he turns to the alien and says, “That will be £345, please.” And the alien says, “Have you got change for a zonk?”Me: You’re very easily pleased.Sue: That’s why I married you, love.

Turlough carries a dripping wet, semi-naked Peri into his bedroom.

Sue: Be honest, Neil. Is this your favourite episode of all time?Me: Yes, Kamelion really gives me the horn.

Turlough looks through Peri’s belongings and he pulls out a Trion artifact.

Sue: Turlough’s thinking to himself, “Jesus! What is she planning to do with this?”

Peri protests that she needed the money.

Sue: ****ing hell!

Turlough tries – and fails – to hide this object from the Doctor.

Sue: Will we finally learn about Turlough’s past in this story? I hope it’s good. They’ve dragged it out longer than Lost.

Peri is having a nightmare. A nightmare about Howard.

Sue: Right, so she’s been sexually abused by her stepfather. Is this for kids? Is it?

Kamelion transforms himself into Howard the sex-pest. But as the episode concludes he suddenly transforms into…

Sue: The Master. What a surprise.

She doesn’t sound surprised at all. And then thecredits roll.

Sue: There’s a lot going on, I’ll give it that. It definitely isn’t boring. The locations are very nice.

Part Two

Sue: The Master has Gary Glitter eyes.Me: What?Sue: He does that thing with his eyes that Gary Glitter does. You know, that faked look of surprise he does where he knocks his head back and raises his eyebrows. Just saying.

Kamelion-Master drags Peri onto the surface of Sarn, but some falling masonry knocks him out cold.

Sue: Well that’s the Master dead, then. He couldn’t possibly survive a crack on the head like that.Me: It isn’t the Master, it’s a robot!Sue: Oh yeah. Sorry, I forgot. It’s complicated, this.

The Doctor questions Turlough about his past. Like, for example, why has he never mentioned his home planet before?

Me: Never mind that, why have you never asked him about it before?Sue: I’ve told you, Neil. They’re men. Men never talk to each other. It’s sad, really.

At least the location continues to impress the wife.

Sue: They should film every episode of Doctor Who abroad. It looks amazing. The BBC should have done the whole series as an off-shore tax-break thing.

Peri reveals her full name.

Sue: What kind of name is Perpugilliam? And shouldn’t her nickname be Perp? Why can’t the Doctor travel with people with normal names? When was the last time he travelled with a companion who had a normal name?Me: That’d be Sarah Jane.Sue: Bloody hell. He really needs to travel with a Bob or a Sharon.

Sue can’t get a handle on the real Master’s plan.

Sue: Why is he going to all this trouble? Why doesn’t he just walk out of his TARDIS and do this himself? This robot is a lot more trouble than it’s worth.Me: You took the words right out of JN-T’s mouth. Keep watching, this will all make sense eventually. Well, sort of…

Kamelion is struggling to maintain control of his form.

Sue: He can’t stand the confusion in his mind.

Sue thinks she recognises Barbara Shelley, which I find very hard to believe given her aversion to the horror genre, but we can both agree on one thing:

Sue: She’s got a lovely voice.

Timanov hikes to the top of the volcano. He sits down, exhausted and panting.

Sue: Is he having a poo?

Peri slides down the volcano.

Sue: At least they found a decent slope for her. I feel sorry for Peri. She just wants to go Eurorailing.

Kamelion-Master is welcomed by Timanov.

Sue: He’s really fallen on his feet. He didn’t have to come up with any bullshit to convince them to follow him. How easy was that?

In the Hall of Fire, the Doctor tries to stop a volcano from erupting.

Sue: The person who did the make-up for this story wants shooting. Peter Davison is caked in mascara. This is not a good look for him.

But this is a small niggle.

Sue: The direction is good, the locations are good, the plot is keeping me interested and Turlough is running around in his shorts. What’s not to like?

Turlough and Malkon compare scars.

Sue: Are they brothers? I bet they’re brothers. At least Turlough’s mysterious past is starting to make sense, now.

The Doctor and the Kamelion-Master meet.

Sue: Can he not just get rid of the Master once and for all? He must be doing his head in by now. He’s definitely doing mine in.

The episode concludes with a good old ritual sacrifice.

Sue: That was a good cliffhanger. I’m really enjoying this.

Part Three

Sue: Turlough has nice legs. He should have worn his shorts in every story. But not the yellow socks. No man should ever wear yellow socks.

Before Malkon can intervene in the sacrifice, he is shot by a laser beam. He tries to warn the Doctor that Kamelion is the Master.

Sue: Hey! The Doctor just threw a blanket over his face when he mentioned the Master.Me: I know just how he feels.

The Master’s connection to Kamelion is broken and Kamelion-Master transforms itself into Kamelion-Howard.

Sue: Why not change back into his normal robotic state? Wouldn’t that make more sense?

Timanov can’t believe his eyes.

Sue: Why are they walking around with giant hat pins?

Turlough confirms Sue’s suspicions – he is Malkon’s brother.

Sue: I expected the EastEnders drums to kick in for a second. It’s not very good casting, is it? They look nothing like each other.

The Master takes control of Kamelion again and Timanov is told to follow him. However, there’s a condition.

Timanov: Where are the gifts? The Outsider always brings gifts from Logar.Sue: He’s just in it for the presents. He may as well be praying to Father Christmas.

Turlough shows the mark of Trion to the Doctor. He calls it the Misos Triangle.

Me: (Singing Barry Manilow) “The Misos Triangle, try to see it from my angle…” Sorry.Sue: Turlough’s emblem reminds me of the Superman logo. Turlough should make himself a superhero costume out of Lycra with that logo on his chest. He’s definitely got the legs for spandex.

Peri enters the Master’s TARDIS.

Sue: So the Master owns a black iPod and the Doctor owns a white iPod. Right, okay.

Kamelion-Master and Peri carry a large black box into the console room.

Sue: If I were Peri, I’d go with the Master. I’m sure he’d show her a good time. If he stopped trying to take over the universe, he could be a right laugh.

The Doctor and a native of Sarn named Amyand use the TARDIS databanks to identify who Logar is.

Sue: I hope the Doctor isn’t auditioning for new companions. This one is rubbish. It’s obvious that Turlough is going to leave at the end, which is a shame because I don’t want him to go, but you can’t replace him with this plank of wood, even if he does have a massive packet.

Peri and Kamelion-Master enter the heart of the volcano.

Sue: It isn’t You Only Live Twice, but it’ll do, I suppose.

The Master demonstrates the power of his tissue compression eliminator on some thermal suits.

Sue: You can do that to a T-shirt with nothing more than a washing machine, Neil. And why is it called an eliminator anyway? It hasn’t eliminated anything, it’s just made it smaller. He should call it his sonic shrinker.

Timanov agrees to follow Turlough, now that he’s the Chosen One.

Sue: (As Timanov) But only if you’ve brought me a gift. I’m not doing anything unless there’s a gift in it.

Sarn appears to be tearing itself apart so Turlough herds Sarn’s elders into the TARDIS.

Sue: I hope there’s plenty of toilets on the TARDIS. This lot will be crossing their legs any minute now.

Timanov remembers the first time he saw Logar.

Sue: He’s very good. I think Jason King would be a better Master than the Master.

When the volcano erupts with numismaton gas, Timanov is overjoyed.

Sue: (As Timanov) Have you all written your wish lists for Logar?

The Doctor warns Turlough that if he’s holding anything back from him, their friendship will be at an end.

Sue: He hasn’t been this stern with Turlough since he found out he was trying to kill him for three weeks.

The cliffhanger comes as a complete surprise. Yes, the Master is trapped in a box.

Sue: What the ****?

He commands Peri to obey him if she doesn’t want to die.

Sue: He’s not exactly in a position to make any threats. Just step on him!

The credits roll.

Sue: I’m suddenly interested again. I thought it was running out of steam but that’s a great twist.

Part Four

The Doctor steps into the numismaton gas.

Sue: Does this mean he’s topped himself up and he won’t have to regenerate for ages? I’m joking. I know he dies in the next one.Me: As far as Big Finish are concerned, the Fifth Doctor has hundreds of years worth of adventures between this story and the next. So maybe you’re right.Sue: They should turn this planet into a spa. They’d make an absolute fortune.

The shrunken Master falls out of his box.

Sue: What I don’t understand is this: why isn’t he dead? Tegan’s aunt didn’t run around like this when he shrank her.

It turns out that Turlough’s people exiled him to a public school on Earth.

Sue: What a bizarre punishment. So it had absolutely nothing to do with the Black Guardian? That’s disappointing.

The Doctor, Peri and Amyand trek across the barren landscape of Sarn.

Sue: They are getting the most out of this location. I can’t blame them, though. It’s brilliant. I just wish they’d get back to the plot.

Turlough sends a distress call to his own people.

Sue: He’s pressing the buttons from an old telephone box. Is he going to reverse the charges?

We learn that Turlough’s first name is…

Sue: Vislor? No wonder he never uses it.

Kamelion begs the Doctor to kill him. The Doctor obliges.

Sue: He didn’t have to think about that very much. What a waste of time.

The Master uses the numismaton gas to restore himself to his regular size.

Sue: Just shrink him again! Shrink him, put him in his box, and then bury the box in the sand. Simple.

But something has gone wrong. The Master begs his fellow Time Lord to help him, but the Doctor stands back and lets nature run its course.

Sue: Oh, he’s actually going to let him die. I’m shocked.

The Master is consumed by the fire. And no, Sue doesn’t pick up on the “your own…?” reference.

Sue: So is that it? Is the Master really, really dead? For good this time?Me: Looks that way.Sue: So I can’t ask, “Is it the Master?” again? Ever?Me: Well, I can’t stop you.Sue: I can’t believe they finally killed him off. I’m relieved, actually.

The Doctor is cut up about it, though.

Sue: Peter Davison does that emotion really well. That’s his trademark, that is.

Turlough leaves the TARDIS crew.

Sue: Turlough has been the most interesting companion in the series so far. I’ll really miss him.

And Peri joins.

Sue: She was alright. It’s very early days, but at least she’s proactive and isn’t a screamer.Me: Well, Nev said…Sue: I wouldn’t finish that sentence if I were you, Neil.

The Score

Sue: I enjoyed that. The locations were great and it was one of the better Master stories, although I’m glad to see the back of him. Yeah, I’ll give that a very respectable:

7/10

Coming Soon

Volume 6 is packed with extras, including blogs for All Creatures Great and Small, A Very Peculiar Practice, Time Crash and The Tomorrow People, episode annotations, illustrations by Graham Kibble-White, and a foreword by Jenny T. Colgan.