Going to China!

On October 20th, I’ll be landing in China (Beijing, to be precise), accompanied by a group of psychoanalysts and therapists who have been teaching and supervising Chinese student analysts in training, using Skype and other distance learning methods. I am psyched. I will see, in person, students with whom I’ve developed warm relationships, and it is amazing how close people can feel even though they are far away from each other. We’ll be seeing each other for the first time. Or will we? It’s more accurate to say that we’ll be meeting in a different dimension than usual; the two-dimensional screen will vanish and be replaced by three-dimensional flesh and blood.

I know when I get to China I will call my family back in the States, and they will feel so far away it will hurt. Their three dimensions will shrink to two, and their voices will sound tiny even if the computer’s volume is turned up, not because the sound is hard to hear but because I will feel their distance.

I’ll miss my family, friends and clients, but I am glad to go and have the joyful adventure of working and traveling in China. Most people are pleased for me, happy that I am involved in this journey, all the while knowing that while I’m away they will be in my thoughts, and that I will return. So that’s the subject of this blog. Being together and being apart, all the while staying connected.

A long time ago, when I was a research assistant at Columbia, I participated in a series of observations designed to watch the reactions of young children (toddlers, really) as they parted from their mothers, then waited five minutes for their mothers’ return. As they were leaving many of the mothers pointed to a large clock in the room and told their children that they would be back in five minutes. None of the kids could tell time, but many of them watched the clock, as though the clock itself might make their mothers come back, if only they watched it closely enough.

The clock in this scenario was a transitional object, the mother/child thing, which stands for the relationship, like a teddy bear, for example, or a blanket, which are frequent transitional objects. D.W. Winnicott has written extensively about this.

We all have to learn to be together and then to be apart and then be together again—it’s called object constancy—meaning that we know even if we don’t see a thing, or a person, that thing or that person does not cease to exist. But still, it’s hard to remember.

If two lovers are apart for a period of time, they need to recall who they are when they are together, and to have faith that the bond between them remains strong. Sometimes when they return to each other they have angry feelings—perhaps thinking, “Why did you leave me?” Or, “What was I doing, leaving you, coming back to you?” When people spend time together they develop a mutual rhythm, which is disrupted when they are apart, and it needs to be reestablished when the separation is over.

In the past few weeks I’ve been furiously attending to ways to keep in touch while in China—setting up a low-cost phone line, for example, and making sure people have that number. The telephone number is my transitional object, I realize; my way of knowing that I will stay in touch, that people can reach me if they need to, and I can call them, too. I guess Google Phone is my teddy bear.

I will be checking in with GoodTherapy.org while I’m in China. If there is anything you would like me to pay attention to or to think about, let me know. I’ll be reading your comments as I always do. So drop me a line, please; you’ll be on my mind.

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28 comments

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Savannah

October 10th, 2011 at
3:55 PM

Gosh that sounds like an amazing trip!
I am curious to know how the Chinese feel overall about the concept of psychotherapy and what kind of role they believe that it plays in their culture.
Have a great trip!

Lynn Somerstein

Jim

October 10th, 2011 at
9:06 PM

While temporarily going away from your normal everyday life and people can be a little unsettling,it is also an opportunity to meet new people and learn new things.

Back in high school,it seemed so weird during graduation because everybody was going to different places and it almost made me cry.But I soon realized that each one of us knows hundreds,probably thousands of people,and that it is not possible to be with or even be in touch with everybody constantly.

I now aim to be happy with wherever I go because every new place is a place unexplored,you know!

Lynn Somerstein

October 11th, 2011 at
5:47 AM

Sejal, what a great and welcome surprise to hear from you this way. I’m glad you’re enjoying India, and would love to hear more about your experiences too.
Thanks for reading and liking my post.
take care,
Lynn

Lynn Somerstein

October 11th, 2011 at
5:50 AM

Hi Jim,
As you say, it’s unsettling to leave your everyday routine, but it opens you up to seeing and being with a fresh perspective.
It is odd to leave people- high school graduation is a great example- you soon might never see folks you were used to seeing every day. It feels odd that people’s lives continue and can become unknown. Scary, actually.
I like what you say, “happy with wherever;” that’s a key to a satisfying and interesting life.

stefanie wasserman

Siobhan

October 11th, 2011 at
4:11 PM

It is funny when you go away on a trip like this, those feelings of being torn that you have. You want to experience the excitement fo the trip and the new culture that you will get to experience; but on the other hand it is kind of sad to think about that time away from your family that you will have. But think about all of the enw and interesting things that you are going to learn and the wealth of information that you are going to learn to share with them and with your therapy practice as well. It is these kinds of experiences that open our eyes to the rest of the world, and you are so fortunate to be able to share in this. I wish you the best on this adventure, and with the internet, you will never be too far away from home.

Lynn Somerstein

M.Simmons

October 12th, 2011 at
10:41 AM

I hate travelling without my family. The missus and kids are too loving to be away from them. And although I do require to travel for work, I cope by talking to them whenever I can and most importantly telling myself that this is time to have a new experience and go back to talking about it with family.

Louise Brookes

October 12th, 2011 at
7:10 PM

Ooooo, how cool is that! :) Lyn, please be sure to check with your mobile phone carrier about what calls will cost you in full from China in case you need to use it to call home in an emergency or if you’re homesick. Don’t just assume the current rate you see online is the only applicable cost. I’ve read some horror stories about international calling on mobiles.

Jordan Emerson

October 12th, 2011 at
7:34 PM

It will be great to meet them in the flesh. I don’t think people understand how close a bond you can get with friends or colleagues even if you just deal with them online. When you meet I guarantee you it won’t feel like the first time. You’ll all feel like old buddies. :)

Daniella Gaines

October 12th, 2011 at
7:47 PM

Pack me in your suitcase! :) How long’s your trip for, Lyn? That’s a heck of a long way away. I’d want to stay as long as possible if I was making that big a journey. China is definitely on my bucket list for places I want to experience before I die. Will you have time to see other places beyond Beijing? I’m green with envy. :)

Michelle Arnott

October 12th, 2011 at
8:24 PM

Lyn, I totally get the transitional object thing. My parents are in Europe and I have several ways to get hold of them up to and including calling their next door neighbor to go knock on the door! LOL. We talk on Skype too. It’s the only time I plug speakers into my laptop because I miss their voices. That does make you feel closer to them too.

Sean C.

October 12th, 2011 at
8:32 PM

You may want to create yourself an extra email account too on something like yahoo or hotmail in case your usual provider is down for any reason. That way you’ve got a backup ready and waiting to use if need be. I’d go for Yahoo as it’s the most popular search engine in China so more likely to have no service problems.

Lynn Somerstein

October 13th, 2011 at
5:27 AM

Hazel- good info, thanks, twitter is an option. My address there is drlynnsomerstein, by the way. I’ve been worried about which avenues will be open, which not.
That’s a really good idea.thanks again.
Take care,
Lynn

Lynn Somerstein

October 13th, 2011 at
5:30 AM

Hi Louise- I have been scared about phone costs- and I”ll check carefully. My mobile is very expensive to use and I might just keep the internet as my main communicator, or rent a phone in China, whichever is better.
You’re right, I would believe what I read on-line about the rates. Thanks for the heads-up.
Lynn
B/T/W- are you affiliated with the Rubin Museum?

Lynn Somerstein

October 13th, 2011 at
5:32 AM

Hi Jordan,
Yes, I agree, you can bond over the Internet- it is amazing. The first time I went to a conference and accidentally met someone who turned out to be an internet buddy was a revelation.
Take care,
Lynn

Lynn Somerstein

October 13th, 2011 at
5:34 AM

Hi Daniella-
I’ll be gone for three weeks- and although I’ll mostly be in Beijing, I’ll also go to Cheng Du, Xian, Shanghai and a tiny bit in Lhasa.
Hope you get to China soon. What else is on your list?
LYnn

Lynn Somerstein

Louise Brookes

October 14th, 2011 at
9:02 PM

Hi Lyn, – nope, no affiliation there. :) Remember too to find out before you go what the local equivalent of 911 is, and your consulate’s phone number. Better to have it programmed into your phone and not need it than vice versa. Have a fantastic trip!

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