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Beginning stages of wedding planning, OH MY!

Since my fiance and I are finally home and settled (for the most part!), we've finally set a date for our wedding and though it's a few years away I like to start thinking, envisioning and planning early. We set the date for 10-10-2015 and already have an idea of a venue.

I know most of you lovely ladies are already married and most have been married a while so I'd love to hear all your stories about wedding planning and how your wedding went; all the bad and the good!

Gracious! I'll try to keep this short. I'm a certified event and wedding planner and only plan one or two weddings a year. Most of the time I'm planning fundraisers and other events.

First, celebrate the fact that you've set the date! Enjoy it for a week or two. Bask in the bliss! You'll wish you'd taken a little more time to enjoy the time between setting the date and starting the planning.

Make a checklist of those to contact now with the news that you've set the date, family, close friends and anyone who has a hectic schedule who you really want to be there. You may want to send out save the dates later, closer to the wedding date. These are usually sent 4 to 6 months prior to the wedding.

Get a planning notebook, or create your own. You'll need one whether or not you hire a wedding planner. Here's where your scrapbooking talents can be very handy! Make it yours. You'll be living with it for a while, so you might as well like it! You'll want to have sections for the wedding venue (decorations, rules), the reception venue (decorations, rules), catering (even for a small, self catered wedding), ceremony details (music, readings, etc.), reception details(music, toasts, dances), wedding party information. attire (yours, his, wedding party, fitting schedule), honeymoon details, and vendor information.

Other sections that are optional you can use as needed: hotel information for out of town guests, rehersal dinner, pre-wedding counseling info (counselor contact information, maps to session locations, schedule of meetings), out of town guest bag contents checklist, and out of town guest arrival dates/airline info/hotel info.

Think about your wedding style: casual, formal, traditional, edgy, modern, country, romantic or other style. Comb through the wedding books at the library and the various wedding websites to see what you and your fiance like and don't like. You and he don't have to have the same style. You can merge the two. And remember, you don't have to spend a fortune to have a beautiful, memorable wedding.

Everyone will have an opinion on your colors, style, venues, attire and every other detail of your wedding. Learn the phrase "I'll take that into consideration." or one like it. I used, "That's something to think about." a lot when I was planning my wedding. "Thank you for that suggestion. I'll think about it." is another good phrase for unwanted advice.

Congrats!
Susan is correct about the "I'll take that into consideration." I have been married, but that one sadly ended. I know from the previous one, that if I had to do it again the "your opinion is in proportion to the money your spending" would have been used often. My former mother in law was very pushy, and I'm a pushover. I ended up miserable about my wedding (perhaps a sign?).

I'm also a big fan of having a Matron of Honor over a Maid of Honor for the simple reason that a matron has done it herself. She'll stick up for you in ways that someone who hasn't been married yet doesn't know how. I had one of each because I wanted my best friend to be an honor attendant, but I also wanted someone who could actually help me plan my wedding.

Next round is literally going to be me, the man, the priest, and two required witnesses. And then a big BBQ

Congrats! Jordan and I didn't spend a lot of time planning our wedding. We ended up with about a 2 month engagement. The important part is what comes after! I still have my wedding dress, any ideas on what to do with that now?

Originally we planned on having a longer engagement & getting married outdoors during fall foliage season (most likely in the mountains), but because our pastor had taken a position at a church across the country we had to marry sooner & I had 2 months to plan our wedding... The only weekend he had available to marry us was Mother's Day weekend, which made things very stressful - the moment vendors learned what weekend our wedding was they wouldn't talk to me any further (i.e. florists). And it was nearly impossible to find a place to do a reception (for the same reason), so we had to hold it in the church basement. The only downside to having the reception there was it was on the dark side & we had to limit the number of people we could invite as the basement was on the small side...

Luckily the son of one of our church members did catering & volunteered to make the food; and the pastor's wife made beautiful wedding cakes & insisted on making ours (I didn't dare say no). I bought the decorations & decorated the night before (after our rehearsal dinner). I was able to talk a newbie florist into doing the bridal party flowers; and I picked out & purchased potted flowers from a garden nursery ahead of time for the church and reception area to cover that part. I also made our wedding candle & the bows for the pews.

Looking back, if I had to do it all over again, I would either (1) ask the pastor to call us when settled & we could fly him out for our wedding or (2) elope in the area we planned on honeymooning in, have it videotaped, and then have a 2nd wedding & reception in our backyard when we got back for family and friends (something casual & low-key, with a bbq, clambake or what not).

We've been engaged since May 2012 and we've just decided on the date, which is still a while away but I like to have plenty of time to plan and work on things. The majority of the wedding will be DIY because that's just who I am.

My biggest problem will be politely telling people "thanks for the suggesting" and to back off because I have a lot of very controlling/everything needs to be done THEIR way family members who still like to treat me like I'm a 14 year old bumbling idiot who knows nothing about how the world works and how to do things LOL. I have no filter or control when it comes to my family, which has earned me the title of the family "witch" because I don't smile and stay quiet like everyone else. Needless to say I have a pretty poor relationship with a lot of my family members so sadly I'm just inviting them because I don't want to deal with the drama from not inviting them.

Plus my mom's side and my dad's side don't get along with each other and aren't mature enough to put their issues aside for a few hours for our huge day so I have to strategically plan everything so they all have as little contact as possible.

My family is the reason it took us 13 months to set a date. The original plan was to just elope and announce it to everyone because we didn't want to deal with all the family drama but we decided it's not fair to let them ruin our day so we said screw it and picked a date. We're not going to let our families ruin one of the best days of our life because like Brandi said, it's our day!

The place we're having it is called the Kimball Jenkins Estate and it's an old mansion in our capitol city of Concord about 5 miles from where I just moved. I've known about it as the art school for a few years but I didn't know that you could rent out the whole estate for weddings and parties. So after contacting the event coordinator lady and asking a few questions I instantly fell in love. Unlike every other place I've talked to, they essentially let you have free range of their property. They do not require you to hire a cater so I can have the DIY/potluck buffet that we wanted and that's one of the biggest things on our must have list for the wedding. We wanted to incorporate some of our family into the day in a special way by asking them to prepare some of our favorite dishes and it would make one incredibly unique buffet/day. I could go on and on about the beauty of this place so I'll just show you instead!

**tried posting pictures but apparently they don't want to show up, but the link below takes you to their Flickr account and I think it's definitely worth a visit! **

LOL - we had one set of difficult parents but we did the opposite to you - we announced mid October that the wedding would be January 10th and that we did not need any help as it was all covered. It was a very cheap very beautiful and moving wedding where everything was made by friends and church memebers and it went fabulously - even down to a light snowfall as we came out of the reception. It was such a friendly, informal atmosphere that everyone just had a lovely time. I think the difficult parents were not too happy but they would not have been anyway. My advice would be - you can't please everyone anyway and this is your day so set the boundaries early on and make sure it is what YOU TWO want. Congratulations!!

Unfortunatelly, I don´t have any really good advice for you. My hubby and I first started living together, with no plans of formally getting married, in a June, then, in the end of the same July we deceided that we needed to have a civil wedding for bureaucratic issues(like putting him in my college club, having credit cards together and so) and some days later we deceided that we wanted a very small religious cerimony at a park, and that it MUST be at the Spring Equinox that, here in Brazil, happens at September... Apparently, we didn´t have your clever idea that it could be 1 or 2 Septembers later, lol.

So everything was very informal, the religious wedding in itself was held only with some people who share our faiths, at summer solstice dusk in a groove at one of the most important parks in my town, and civil wedding had his mom, brother and his mom´s husband, my mother, father, brother and his (then) grilfriend (she got the bride´s bouquet and they got married!) and few friends. After the cerimony, BBQ. Sometimes I wish I have done things a bit differently, but I don´t really regret the way it all happened.

I thought long and hard about just eloping and announcing it to everyone but we realized it wasn't what we wanted. After everything we've been through since we first started dating and all the fighting we did to finally become a couple, we deserve to have the wedding we want. I'm also my dad's golden child basically so if we didn't have a real wedding I think it would hurt him because my brother and sister have turned out to be such big "disappointments" (his words, not mine lol). Out of his 3 children I'm the only one he has a relationship with and it means a lot to me to have a wedding that he's a part of as well.

My husband and I dated for a year, then lived together for 2 years before we got married. We really didn't have any plans, but then my uncle finished the landscaping on his back yard and asked if we wanted to use it to get married. I mentioned it to my husband and he said yeah lets do that. So 6 weeks later we were married. My uncle's yard was absolutely beautiful and made the perfect setting for the wedding. Our wedding was very small - only 20 guests - and it was perfect. I would say, do what you want and don't let anybody horn in on your day! As for grumpy or ill mannered family - don't let them get to you on your day. Just focus on your new husband and what your life together is going to be. That day goes by too quickly to let things like that distract you.

Our wedding turned out really nice even though most of it was not something that I had chosen and/or it didn't go like I thought. I was wimpy and didn't want to offend anyone, so we ended up getting married in his parents' church and his dad officiated the ceremony (he's a retired minister). The big church wedding was soooooo not me, but it was really important to his parents, so I didn't fight it. I had to laugh at everything that didn't go as planned (the flowers, the photography, the venue, the dress), but none of it really matters in the long run because it is about the marriage, not about the wedding. Although I would like to have another one (renewal) so I could try to get things to go my way... lol.

One little piece of advice is to make sure, if you are signing contracts, that everything is spelled out exactly like you want it. Be firm. I had a battle over my cake because I paid the deposit and told them what I wanted (I wanted words written on the cake [white on white]) that told the story of our relationship. After I'd paid them, the bakery got really snotty and said they wouldn't just put "random words" on the cake and it had to be something "meaningful" like a Bible verse or song lyrics or something. Seriously?!?! It was my cake! It wasn't like I was putting profanity or hate speech on it... lol. Anyway, she refused to do it my way and wouldn't give me my deposit back. I switched the order and used the deposit to buy $100 of cookies from them for the reception (which still made me super mad), and one of my best friends made my cake with all of the words I wanted. I wish I could have had the resources to get my deposit back and not give them any business, but I didn't and I didn't need the stress.

My situation was rather unique. I met my husband at work. He asked me out to breakfast, lunch and dinner every day for weeks. You see previously I had a friend (who happened to be black) and we did things together, for some reason my father and mother got the notion that there was something romantic happening - he was several years younger than me! Either way, Dad sat me down one evening and basically told me that if I ever married him (farthest thing from becoming reality) that they would not disown me but would come close to it. You have to realize my Dad's mother still referred to blacks as colored....this was back in the 1970's. Back to my intended husband...well, he is black! So one night I went with my girlfriend bowling...went home after work, showered (long hair takes forever to blow dry), changed and off I went. Well, after playing one game of bowling they shut the alleys down for clubs. Needless to say, I certainly didn't want to go home after spending 2 hours of getting ready and driving half an hour. So, since Charles had given me his phone number multiple times daily, I called him. The rest is history, and we have been married almost 37 years.

I never really told my parents about us secretly dating. You see in "our perfect world" Charles was definitely not perfect...he was 10 years older than I, he was divorced, he had a child in his previous marriage, he was an Enlisted Marine (Dad was an Officer) and he is black...in my parent's eyes not the best of circumstance. Charles was transferred to Okinawa after about 11 months of us dating. He was gone for 13 months in Okinawa. I worked in an office that could call the Pentagon and find out where his next duty station was, so as it got closer to him coming home we found out that he was going to Hawaii and that would be a three year tour. So when the Master Sergeant and I broke the news to him, his only comment was "So what are we going to do?" I answered, "I know what we could do"....he said "What?" and I replied "We could get married." His answer "That sounds good!" So the fun began about three months before he was coming home. And then we didn't have that much time before we would be flying out to Hawaii...about a month!

So probably about two months before he came home my parents were told that we were getting married - by my sister. That broke the ice. At first my parents were going to be involved but then they decided (more Dad) they could not contribute to my wedding. So we had very limited monies to put on a wedding. I still wanted a wedding for me and so I started planning. I even had problems getting a pastor/church because Charles was divorced and the Episcopal church would have to investigate his divorce before they would approve me getting married in an Episcopal ceremony. One of my friends knew the head chaplain on Base and made arrangements for me to meet with him. I decided to get married in the "Ranch House Chapel" on base - it is a very small historical chapel at Camp Pendleton. Since my parents weren't behind us I didn't have that many people to invite. Dad was a Marine too and we moved so much I did not have lasting relationships with friends. So we only had about 25-30 people that were invited. Most came so that was nice.

So we had the chapel all set and the chaplain, as we didn't have that much money and no time to save for it, we had the reception in my little two bedroom apartment. Luckily, I do cake decorating and so I made my own cake - on Thanksgiving Day. My sister's friend's mother owned a florist shop and she helped us with our flowers. My bouquet was a wedding gift and the rest of the flowers were basic - the attendants, family and Charles. I wanted pew bows and Mrs. Meacham had me over one evening to teach me how to make them, so I only had to pay for the ribbon. I wasn't doing to good with them so she said don't worry about it because she would just do them while watching TV at night. Then on top of that she actually put greenery and flowers on them, it was so nice of her! Because of funding I made my own wedding gown and veil. We only had finger food at the "reception." No sit down anything. My sisters and friends came the day before to help make the appetizers. It was very simple. No matter how poor we were, Charles let me spend money to have a really good photographer and album and I am so glad I did!

My Mom and Dad's Mom both came to the wedding. My Dad could not bring himself to come to the wedding, Mom told me years later that he went to the grocery store. Mom didn't decide until the last minute to come. My younger brother walked me down the aisle and my sisters were my bridesmaids. I let them choose their own color and styles of dresses (we all sew) because I wanted them to have something they would wear again. Because we were going to Hawaii I didn't do the type of dress I would have wanted, instead I was practical and made a knit, halter top dress. And I had planned for the guys to wear this hideous yellow tux (because the rental was cheap) and when the guys went to the shop they ended up changing to white tuxes and Charles in tails! Charles took care of the cost of my brother's tux so he wouldn't have to ask my folks to pay for it. As for the rings, Charles was too afraid to pick out some over in Okinawa, so the best man took me to the Exchange (store on base) and we picked out our matching set and he put them on layaway until Charles came home. I got my engagement ring about a week before we were married. And to this day, our wedding rings have almost never been off our fingers! Even through my surgeries my doctors let me just have them taped up!

If I had to do it all again, I would do it just as I did. Oh, I didn't mention, Mom and Dad did not even meet Charles until the Wednesday before the wedding. You see he came home on November 17, 1976, we were married on the 27th and we flew to Hawaii on January 3, 1977 - there just was not time because of the move to Hawaii to do it otherwise. Because of my parents attitude previously and the fact that I didn't know that after 13 months of separation Charles and I would end up together there was no point in putting my parents through an ordeal of "accepting" the relationship I had.

I think until the day my Dad died he kicked himself because he didn't participate. When I got my Wedding Album back, Dad did ask to see it so that was nice. I do have to say that we spent Christmas with my family. I think Dad had a lot of respect for Charles after meeting him and after Christmas (and my birthday) dinner he excused everyone but Charles and I from the table. He told us that although he had some reservations about us getting married I was still his daughter and he only wanted me happy. If there was ever anything we needed or any help that they would be there for us! My Mom and Dad both grew to love Charles almost as much as I. Mom said was okay with it all when she saw how happy I was after we said our I do's.

@Sharilynn all this is to day do WHAT YOU want and HOW YOU want to do it. Find people that support you to help you and accept the fact that some will never be okay with it! Decide what is most important to you to include and find a way to do it. You have a lot of time so that should give you some flexibility. Have fun during the process and take time to relax. Stress is never a good thing and if you stress about it things won't work out exactly how you want them. Remember that the memories will become so important so decide which of those memories you will want to honor in the future (in my case it was the photos). Don't let anyone tell you no to something you really want...afterall this day is for you and your fiance - no one else! My Mom made both of my sister's wedding dresses and I will tell you that in the end it was more what Mom wanted than what they wanted....so STAND YOUR GROUND so you will be happy down the road, they didn't and they were not as happy down the road. I think it is wonderful that you have the time to really make it your own. I did and even though small it was perfect and I would not have changed a thing! That is how you want to feel in 30 years!

@Kimberlee I just cannot believe your bakery! The whole point of YOUR cake is that it is YOUR way! I am glad you found someone else to do it! I know that when I do wedding cakes it is all about what the bride (and groom) wants and no matter the request I have always made it happen! I only do cakes for friends/family and they are given as a gift and I still spare no expense for something they really want.

Janet, I identify myself a lot with your story. My hubby isn´t black, but his mother is - so, he´s mixed, and have the black kind of hair and face. My mother was very strict with all my boyfriends - but the one which most annoyed her was him - in a way we couldn´t date at my parent´s house, she said lots of times she disaproved the relationship, and so on. She was always telling me it was not going to last long, and that I was going to divorce soon, it will be a shame, and so on - and, although it devasted my self-steem, my love for him just grown and grown.

And, I admit, one of the reasons we deceided to live together was to be a bit apart from my mother - and we, in fact, kept some distance in the begeinning, and it probably helped her to accept that we are good together - the fact we dind´t get divorced or gave her grandsons, and that I finished college and so, with the proper time, made my mom change her mind and now she just loves my husband. Now, we are neighbors with my parents, and although we thought it could bring back some conflict when we moved, it haven´t happened - Next September we will have the second anniversary of moving to this house and, till now, we never had any serious argument - hubby and daddy are even thinking on buying a collaborative car to make road trips or go to the supermarket.

We started to get along better with my mother again in the year my young brother got married, and went to live in another city, where his wife was raised. Some days below that christmas, we just realised that, if we didn´t went to my mother´s house for it, my dad and her would stay alone - so we changed all our plans and just went there. From that time on, seems that she realised her role changed - she was not the mother of teens she needed to protect anymore, but matron to a family of grown ups, and it made her change her behaviour. Now, that my grandmother died, she is changing even more, because she´s the oldest person alive in her family, so she´s caring more about her sisters too.

OMG Lorien, you know what, my parents wedding gift to "us" was a one way ticket home for me!!! No one thought it would last...we proved them wrong! We did take them up on the ticket though because my sister was getting married the next year and I needed to go back to make/decorate the cake. We paid for Charles' ticket and we stayed with my parents. They too came around and my Mom was so blessed while she was dying because Charles would have and did everything she wanted. We spent 22 months giving up any of our desires and made sure she completed anything and everything on her bucket list! Dad died only five years after we married but I do have to say that I think in his way he loved and respected Charles and we were always welcomed into their home!

What a beautiful venue! And the fact that they don't require a licensed caterer is a plus if you're planning to have a pot luck reception. Way to go!

You can also blame me if you want to. I'll *volunteer* to be your wedding planner. I've done this for several long distance brides with oh so opinionated "helpful" people. No fee, other than I want to see wedding pictures.

I'll PM you links to some downloadable planning pages and handy checklists for you to look at. Use them if you like them and if they'll be useful to you.

I had a beautiful wedding and a fabulous reception. My mother-in-law hated the colour scheme that I sent her and wanted me to change it from peridot green and blue topaz to navy blue and white. "Thank you so much for your suggestion, but we've already ordered so many things that can't be returned." Odd thing was, when she got to the wedding and saw how the colour scheme went together, she loved it.

Wow All the stories are wonderful and I must agree. Decide what you both want and stick to it. It is YOUR DAY!!! My one suggestion would be once you decide, write it down and share it with anyone who wants to change things. If they start giving you grief, just show them the paper and Say "This is what WE want"
On Wednesday hubby and I will celebrate our 49th anniversary. We had a small wedding and a pot luck reception and I would not change a thing.

I wish you a wonderful wedding and a long happy life together. Will be looking forward to seeing photos.

It definitely IS your day... Don't let your family get you down - I had overbearing family as well. To keep the peace I went along with a lot of things that people pressured me to do for my wedding (which I sometimes regret), but some things I couldn't because it just wasn't possible... Like my mom's request to invite her friends. You probably remember me telling you how we had to limit how many people we invited to our wedding because the church basement (where we were having the reception) was on the small side. Well, despite me telling her money was not the reason, my mom thought it was and offered to pay for them; and then got really mad at me because I wouldn't bend to her will (she's used to getting her way & almost didn't to come to my wedding or make the dress that she promised me). My soon-to-be MIL was also pressuring me to wear a veil, and made some unkind comments when I told her I wouldn't be. Not only did I not want one, but I knew a veil would not go well with the dress my mother was making - instead I made a flower clip that had pearl beads streaming out of it & attached that to the back of my hair. Other than that, my father & his family (with the exception of my grandmother) were not invited to my wedding. My father and I had been estranged for years (because he & his wife abused me when I lived with them), and most of his family were very dysfunctional (which is a nice way of putting it), so there was no way I was going to have them there & ruin my day. If push comes to shove, Sharilynn, don't hesitate to uninvite someone (even if they are family) - because it IS your day....and it should be a wonderful & beautiful one for you and your hubby.

Thank you ladies for sharing all your stories and input! I already have a board on Pinterest, set as private right now because I don't want many knowing the details of my wedding as I plan it so I want everyone to be super surprised and I figure the less they all know, the less they can comment on it and try to change it so MUAHAHAHAHA!

@Janet: first off, you go girl! and to your husband: OORAH! I lived in Jacksonville, NC (home of the glorious Camp Lejeune Marine Base) for 16 months and about 95% of my neighbors were Marines and I have lots of family and friends that are Marines (and other branches) so I have the utmost respect for the military and their spouses.

@Susan: thank you so much for volunteering, that's incredibly kind and I'm quite speechless really! I love checklists and forms and graphs and anything else to keep me organized, I'm going to be starting my wedding planner/binder this week so I will gladly take anything you throw at me! I'll PM you with my email address

Congrats to everyone who has had many wonderful years with their hubbies, I look forward to that with Evan! I'm so glad I decided to post this thread because I knew you ladies would be so helpful and would share some good (and bad!) stories and I appreciate hearing everything you guys all say.

I figured if I was going to have a real wedding, I was going to get my Cinderella princess dress. I've been obsessed with Cinderella since I was a kid and this dress is pretty dang close to hers haha. I was so obsessed with Cinderella when I was younger, that EVERY Halloween until I was about 13 I was Cinderella.

Sharilynn, that is a beautiful dress! I wouldn't want to do anything to it either
My previous comment was really in regards to something Marisa posted, but I forgot to tag her.
Hope I didn't freak you out!
Are you planing on making a lot of the decorations/programs/invitations?
There are so many beautiful things out there now and Pinterest will be a great resource.
I even have a wedding board and I've been married 6 years!

Are you following BHLDN on Pinterest? It's Anthropologie's wedding store!

I am definitely planning on doing as much DIY as I can, with the help of some friends and family. About 90%+ of the wedding will be DIY because I like to do things myself and would like to keep the budget low, plus I want to have people involved in some of the wedding stuff that aren't in the wedding party themselves. I've been looking at wedding stuff on Pinterest since I opened my first account like 3 years ago before I was even engaged to Evan haha

And I'm definitely following BHLDN now!

As crappy as much of my family is, they can be pretty helpful, especially when it comes to food. My Justice of the Peace is a family friend, my photographer is one of my best friends, my maid of honor AND matron of honor are 2 of my best friends (1 is my roommate and 1 lives across the hall with her husband a daughter so literally 6 feet from me), and both Evan and I come from families who love to cook and bake and help out with parties SO even though they will most likely all be pretty opinionated, they certainly are helpful.

Haha yes, in January my fiance and I will be returning to school so things will be getting hectic soon. The longer I have to plan, the easier everything will be to pay off. I'm not one to rush things, I like to have enough time to enjoy everything and plan it with little stress.

I know I told you I made my wedding dress but never really got what I would have wanted to wear. So in 1999 during our Millenium Cruise (Mom took us all) four of six of us kids renewed our vows. So I finally was able to get the wedding dress that I would have loved to be wearing.....