Happy to Be a Stay at Home Dad

Stay-at-home dads are forming groups all over the country. We spied on four of them — and learned a lot about men, kids, and love.

There are support networks aplenty if you're a stay-at-home mom, but if you're a full-time dad, good luck gaining entry. "I know what an episiotomy is, but if you're a woman, you probably don't want to talk about it with me," says Shannon Carpenter, a dad in Kansas City, MO, who, like a growing number of American men, stays home to care for his two kids. Feeling a bit out of place at local mommy-and-me classes, Shannon and other fathers have banded together into what might be described as fraternities for 30-somethings: stay-at-home-dad groups. Some form after guys meet at their kids' school functions, others are born out of Facebook groups and Craigslist postings; most of them meet at least once a week, usually at a playground or one guy's home. And memberships are rising: There are about 150,000 stay-at-home dads in the United States, according to the 2010 Census, which, though a small number, is up an estimated 65 percent from a decade ago. And the numbers are likely even higher due to the many men who work part-time, or consider their situation to be temporary.

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We hung out with a few SAHD groups around the country to get a bead on exactly what these fathers do best. No matter who's on call most in your house, these guys can teach you plenty about parenting (like how much toddlers love NASCAR!).

THE DIPLOMATS

Washington, DC; 500 members

WHY YOU SHOULD TRUST YOUR MAN: "There are only two things guys can't do," says Mike Stilwell, "head dad" of the DC Metro Dads group and father to Patrick, 25, Virginia, 22, and Mary, 15. "We can't physically give birth and we can't breast-feed. Everything else we can handle."

HOW TO GET HIM TO PITCH IN: Put him in charge of one daily activity, says Marcus Zumwalt, father of five kids ranging in age from 3 to 9. Giving him something he can look forward to doing with them will make him happy to get involved. "For example, my wife always puts the kids to bed," he explains. "She likes knowing that whatever else happens during the day, she's guaranteed those five to 10 minutes of one-on-one time."

THE BEAUTY OF LETTING GO: "With the guys, no one cares if you're 20 minutes late. And we're willing to let the children climb a little higher on the monkey bars, and go a little farther across the playground," says Marcus. "I think that's a good thing."

Courtesy of Subjects

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THE ADVENTURERS

Kansas City, MO; 75 members

THEIR SECRET: MIX IT UP! "I don't get stuck on the idea that I have to do things that are kid-centric with my children," says Mick Freyermuth, father of Luke, 5, and Rory, 3, and a five-year member of the Dads at Home Daily group. "You don't have to go to a children's museum. Kids will learn something from just visiting a construction site." The best outing this group dreamed up was a visit to a NASCAR practice day in summer 2010. The kids, who wore headphones to block out the noise of the engines, watched drivers take laps around the course and then scored pictures with them. "They just couldn't get enough of it," says Shannon, father of Vivi, 5, and Wyatt, 3. "And of course we made them stand in front of the Danica Patrick trailer so we could get a photo."

ONE BIG MISTAKE: The group's most regrettable outing? The Glore Psychiatric Museum, which features displays of mental health treatments through the years. Some of the more graphic depictions were a bit too real for the kids. "They used to use coffins to confine patients, and they had this coffin with a peephole cut out and a mannequin inside with blonde hair," says Mick. "One of the kids goes over, looks in, screams, 'Momma?!' and freaks out. It was not our best moment. Although it did teach us to do a little more advance research when we're planning our trips."

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WHAT MOMS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT DADS: Fathers can save the day too. "If a kid is crying, moms have a tendency to swoop in," says Shannon. "But dads are up to the job; just give us a chance!"

REGRESSION IS GOOD! "Get down on your kids' level, literally," recommends Rod Haden, father of Caleb, 4, and a member of the Austin SAHD Group. "Play with them, sit on the floor. What your kids love most is for you to be a kid with them."

SURPRISE MEMBER: This year, the group brought its first mom into the fold. "Mostly everybody was very welcoming of her," says Rod. She has yet to attend a Dad's Night Out (it happens one night a month, no kids allowed!), but she will soon. Rod does admit that there might be "fewer off-color jokes" told while she's around.

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HOW TO GET YOUR GUY TO HELP WITH THE KIDS: Throw him in the deep end, says Caelum "CJ" Jones, father of Isabella, 8, Victoria, 6, and Ouin, 2. "Take a long weekend and leave the kids alone with Dad. He'll figure it out."

WHAT THEY DO DIFFERENTLY FROM THEIR WIVES: "Fathers are more willing to tell their kids, 'Go ahead, see what you can do,'" says Rod. "My son has survived so far, and I think it's given him confidence in himself." For example, right after Rod's son turned 2, they were at the park, just the two of them, and Caleb spied a bike belonging to a 4-year-old. He made a beeline for it, and Rod figured, Why not? "After a few minutes and a seat adjustment, Caleb was doing his best to push on the pedals. He couldn't quite get them to go all the way around, but he did ride a bike for the first time at 2 years old!"

LINCOLN BARBOUR

THE COMMUNICATORS

Portland, OR; 300-plus members

WHY ROUTINES SHOULD STAY THE SAME, WHOEVER'S IN CHARGE: "The more consistent parents are with discipline and routines, the more comfortable the kids will be with boundaries," says Eric Houghton, founder of Portland Dads at Home and father to Nicolas, 5, and Annika, 2. "My two kids love to pick up the newspaper every morning. They're supposed to take turns, but every day they would each claim that the other had done it the morning before. So finally, I declared that the even-numbered days are Nicolas's days and the odd-numbered days are Annika's days. I let my wife know so she could use the same rule on weekend mornings, when she tends to be in charge. Good communication makes everything run more smoothly."

WHAT GUYS REALLY RESPOND TO: Honesty and thoughtfulness. "If you want our help, just tell us how much it means to you," says Jondell Hines, father to Reuben, 5, and Yoyi, 2. "But don't dump a chore or child-caring responsibility on us without the option to negotiate. And a compliment when it's done goes a long way."

THE MOM RULE THEY BREAK: "I get more rough and tumble with my sons on the playground than my wife ever would," says Jondell. "We have a blast!"