Borderline Personality Disorder grew into ultra non-compliant diabetic, morbidly obese (of course), became a nurse practitioner, got lymphoma, dealing with increased neuropathy, decreased mobility, falls, dementia, etc. After 2 big falls last year where she was inpatient physical rehab for months, broke leg sneaking into Pizza Hut and is still in rehab almost 5 months later.

My days are spent with her calling multiple times a day and swinging from just wanting to talk (micromanage), to obses (come get me), to threaten (I'm rescinding the DPOA and suing you), to wailing (I'm dying and you don't care), to lovey-dovey (I miss you and the kids so much). I survived her abuse as a kid and the sexual abuse of her boyfriends. I thought she outgrew it before I learned about Borderlines and realized she was only in between episodes when I moved my family back to our farm to help her when she got lymphoma. Now we are STUCK. We gave up everything to come here.

I'm going to be disastrously honest because I am at the end of my rope. The very lovable, loving person she seemed to have finally grown into that I had for a very brief couple of years was awesome. Sadly, I have to admit that woman is not my mother. My mother, the woman I have known more than most of my life is to other one. And I don't like the other one. I despise her. I barely survived her as a teenager when I had to run away from home after her lover but her senseless and tried to cut my throat.

I still tried to be decent to her because, I reasoned that if I went crazy when I was older I wouldn't want my kids to hate and abandon me. Then she became a nice person for a while and I reached out, enjoying having a real mother for once. I had two babies, I wanted and needed her and enjoyed it. Now my babies just turned 8 and 11 and she has returned full force. I don't know some times if she has completely forgotten they exist (because when I bring them up sometimes she pauses and seems very surprised) or if she simply doesn't care.

She tried to "escape" the physical rehab by forcing the hand of the attending physician there, hired a wheelchair van and came home for 4 hours a few weeks ago. She can't wheel her own wheel chair, can't walk to get in the bathroom, is too wide to wheel into her room, it was disastrous. She soiled herself and then screamed at me she hadn't and finally called 911 claiming she was having trouble breathing and went to the hospital. There her regular PCM saw her and freaked out. He sent her packing back to the home where she had been receiving rehab except he put her in long term care. He instructed me to get DPOA and informed us she would be living out her days in the nursing home.

Of course, that isn't the way she remembers it. She is still convinced she is doing rehab and coming home. She has herself convinced that it is all my fault she isn't being allowed to come home. No matter how many times or ways we discuss it, it is all me.

Well, all of me is freaking EXHAUSTED mentally, physically and most of all, my soul is SCORCHED. I have NOTHING left for this woman. And she didn't save a dime so there is no money for any creative care to appease her.

If I could, I would sign her over to the state and walk away. I am sick of it. I don't want any more.

10 Comments

Rachel...tough path...disgusting to be treated like that when all you're trying to do is help. And 57 is definitely early for dementia so there will be a very long way to go. If mom has no resources, she should be eligible for Medicaid if she doesn't have long term care insurance. But it may be a good thing you're living in the house and that is in joint tenancy so they don't come after it. Talk to your husband about making an appointment with an Elder Care attorney. You protect yourself. Zwhen a public Guardian takes over, turning over of assets is often required. You want to make sure all your ducks are in a row before you take any drastic action.

Yes, I completely understand how frustrated, tired, sad, mad, disgusted, etc. you are feeling. I live with and care for my 87 yr. old mom whom I believe has bi-polar disorder. One day she tells me, "I didn't ask you to come here to be my servant." and the next day she's ordering me around, do this, do that. Since she returned from rehab, she claims she feels like crap although she has nothing physically wrong with her. I too survived childhood abuse. Dad was a rage-aholic, while she stood by and let him beat me but couldn't understand why I didn't want to come home. I'm just venting and whining, but I have no qualms in saying that I will be relieved when this is all over. Then I can also be officially done with some of my family. I understand and do believe you should get out while you have the strength and resources to do so. Best wishes and Godspeed.

I'm sorry, but I don't think you owe her anything at all. People disappear all the time on this planet and no one knows what becomes of them. I would disappear if I were you, a long time ago. It takes a lot of strength and turning away from what you know and are comfortable with, but I sense you are very strong, having survived what sounds like a very uncivilized life with her. Anyone can be a POA. Maybe she can ask one of her boyfriends. Please get out of her life for good. xo

My mother has Alzheimer's, can no longer made decisions for herself, we have her living in a memory care unit. My mother also has a personality disorder and was very abusive throughout my childhood into adulthood. Sis and I have DPOA. Long and short of this is....mom became very verbally abusive with us when we had to move her from assisted living into the memory care unit. She called 14-16 times a day, yelling at us, verbally abusive, accusations, threats...then hanging up. I finally had the med tech remove the phone from my moms room!!! It does not matter she has Alzheimer's, tough love is needed, setting boundaries...so after a week with no phone, I visited her yesterday, she was calmer, not yelling and screaming like the week before. I asked them to put the phone back in her room. You must set boundaries and limits of what you will and will not accept.

Was the POA written up by an attorney. If so, write a letter to that attorney resigning from the POA. Ask that he send you a letter stating that you are no longer the POA. Then go to the NH ask to speak with a social worker, tell the social worker you will not accept responsibility for your mother and you want the state to care of her. If you can buy out your mother's half of the farm since she can't pay her share. You may to see an attorney on buying out her half so it is done fairly and legally. Good luck.

BTW--My mother is only 57 years old and was still working two years ago. Of course the punch line is that she was fired from the penitentiary system she was working for because of fraternization with inmates. LOVELY! Additionally, because I am a washy idiot and moved back here, I am living with my family on the farm my mom and I co-own. The mortgage is in her name, my husband pays it, the deed is in both her and my name and the beneficiary deed of trust is in mine. Of course, she doesn't have a single red cent to her name aside from that asset. She acts like I am stealing her millions by "keeping her in THAT PLACE."

I don't want to be POA at all. I don't know how to get the state involved. I know I can spend thousands to file for guardianship then she is assigned a Guardian ad Litem, etc. I am like, "Okay, let's skip the thousands of dollars, me testifying to be a guardian when I don't want anything to do with it and how about you (the state) deal with her???"

It is BEYOND time for you to draw healthy boundaries with your Mom. Seriously. You may be her POA but that doesn't giver her license to be abusive towards you. Take a needed break from her. Stay in contact with the NH and let them call you when it is needed (you can even call every day for updates). Are there any other siblings or relatives who can help your Mom?

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