Neill Cumpston Has Seen 300!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.
Yes, it really does merit that many exclamation points.
They’re free. Blow me.
Besides... could there ever be any better marriage of film and reviewer? I needed to read this, even if I didn’t know I needed to read it.
Neill Cumpston’s been busy lately, and if his e-mails to me are to be believed, he’s finally reaching the end of his six-year A.A. degree at a community college near his mother’s house. But somehow, he talked his way into an early screening of 300 tonight, and the result is the following review.
He coins a word late in this review that I fully expect to be using for the rest of my life, and I salute his linguistic virtuosity once again.
Nice to have you back, man.

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.
It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.
The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.
I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.
TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:
COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES
Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.
COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS
Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back.
Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.
NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)
These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.
Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.
Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

Welcome back Neil Cumpston you genius. Memo to Harry Knowles: I love you man, but see, this is how you use body parts and sexual terms in a review WITHOUT causing people to hurl giant chunks of meatloaf on to their computers. "Dick made of three machine guns"... I am officially stealing that line.

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with Quint's review from a while back. Maybe my expectations were just to high, but ultimalty I was disapointed. Yes, the action in this movie (for the most part) kicks ass, that's true. Those Spartans really have some serious slaying skills. The look and feel of the graphic novel is captured very well and there are some great looking visual effects. But some also look like a fucking video game and don't work at all.
The problem ultimatly is that 300 is shallow. When they aren't hacking Persians to pieces, this movie is boring as hell. At no point did I get engaged in the story or feel for the characters. This may not bother some, but I don't see the point in making a movie this long (2 hours) when all it has to offer is about 30 minutes of good fight scenes. Why make a movie so faithful to the original source when the graphic novel itself really doesn't have enough material to carry such a long film? And worst of all: The parts that aren't in the novel and involve the queen are the most boring parts and eventually add nothing to the story. I hate to say it, but I have no desire to watch this movie again from start to end. On DVD I would fast forward, watch the action scenes and turn off after that.
I can only warn you: Don't set your expectations too high. It has great action, but nothing more.
ohhh..and one more thing: FUCKING CORNFIELDS!!!! Why oh why does every movie based in antique times since Gladiator have to feature a least one scene where a character is walking slowly through cornfields while some sad sing-sang music is played over? Does Hollywood think that's what people did in those times for recreation? Walk through cornfields while looking sad? I can't take it anymore!

That was the funniest review I've read in an age. I'll be whoring various parts of it for days now, and passing it off as proof of my own wit and verbal dexterity. Mr Cumpston, you are an amusing chap.

I don't really give much of a shit about this movie (looks nice though, that's sure enough), but my eyes stream rivers of warm salty happiness just to see Cumpston submitting stuff to this site once more. Give him his own column, dammit.

funny stuff. My nads ache in anticipation of this film. I'll avoid the press screening as it will be hard to explain the boner I'll have for two days before the movie gets released. This movie will be the Lake House of 2007!

Patton Oswalt. That is what my sources (i.e. what I heard on here after a different Cumpston review) tell me. But I really don't care because Neil is hilarious. Hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey? Solid comedy gold.

If you're under 15 I can understand why you would get excited about a steaming pile of horse manure like this. I predict: no good dialogue, rubbish story, that horrible Phantom Menace-style greenscreen acting malaise and lot of horrible slo-mo 'action' shots cut together by someone with no skill at creating memorable sequences. The trailer looked awful. Why not go out into the real world and shoot some movies again? Instead of filming them in a green box? Fuck.

...any of the old TB's that got repliged. Just sort of helped out a bit. In fact my part was sorta small...it could be some other reason got me spelling my name backwards. Nobody's actually told me why.

...I'll try to explain "ass picnic". First you pack your basket. You must serve hot dogs. Preferably foot longs. The kind that "plump" when they get hot...insert into soft fluffy buns...with relish. Make sure you have plenty of wet wipes to clean up afterward, and watch out for any bugs.

i guess as long as they don't make out i'll be able to weather the chiseled ab storm. at least it will help convince the ladies this is worth seeing.
i like how he says 'i have no idea why they called it 300...' then at the beginning of the next paragraph 'it's about 300 Greek dudes...'

just sayin'. if lord of the rings had journey playing in it, i would have demanded my ticket money back. personally flown to new zealand and killed peter jackson by cutting off his head and shitting down his throat.

INTERPRETATION ONE: The writer is brilliantly satirizing the mental attitude of a pre-pubescant guy who thinks he would really like tits if he ever got to feel one, but is definitely a bit scared of pussy (and therefore subscribes to Maxim Online) - the kind of idiot who would like this movie. INTERPRETATION TWO: The writer is in fact one of said guys.

Why haven't you recieved your own tv show yet? Seriously. I beleive I would watch you review movies and dvds and interview people. Go up right before Ebert and Roper. If you haven't thought about it... get off your ass and get on a tv show.

This review is a worthless piece of offal written by a 'dude' with the IQ of a retarded caveman (no offense to cavemen). I am looking forward to '300' and was excited to see a link to a review, only to be disappointed. As well connected as AICN is, couldn't they find a more articulate reviewer? This kind of illiterate crap-writing kills any kind of credibility this webite might possess and many people will find themselves going elsewhere for movie information.

Damn, that was like "Bill and Ted reviews 300". I was biased from the get-go anyway because Frank Miller has grown into an egotistical hack. I'm sure there is better entertainment besides watching on a large screen sweaty men fight each other in a psuedo-historical movie.

Dudeity only has one entry in Urbandictionary.com, so I'll give this genius the benefit of the shout and say he coined it as well.
I wasn't feeling the nu-metal feel either, but way to give it to the geeks out there who want a score. During an NFL game I saw the trailer and I wanted to commit mass-murder with a club. This movie's bad for the brain in a way we haven't seen since Commando, Cyborg or Cobra.

I love the guys who post on here who denigrate Cumpston's reviews for being stupid and juvenile. It's like ripping South Park because it's not Charlie Rose. I've always thought he's funny, though his reviews are far too rare.

who wrote the hy-larious review of ROTK, where he mentioned 'the elf parts were like spending an hour in a fucking candle store' and referred to pellenor fields as 'the battle of shit-your-pants'? coz that was a funny review...

Titus is one of my top 5 films and this has no similarity to it except metal music. Personaly I tend to like wierd stuff and art house films more then any big budget film but to the person who says this is only good if your under 15 well you are wrong. In the world of art it does not matter what the creator is useing (green screen in this case) it is how they pull it off. From the looks of it they have accomplished something different and fun. Yes art can be fun and stupid at times. For a big budget film this one actually has balls. To the reviewer, I take it you do not know much about Greek history. You said Greece was full of naked women. Um, you do know Greece was one of the most homesexual excepting societys. I am sure this film will be refreshing, but this reviewer sucks and has brought this film down to a very low point.

Loved that review. Still have it saved.
"Oh, and also that I Don’t Want to be the King/I Am Destined to Be the King Dude is with them, and he has this whole other story where he pretty much decides to be the King because, I mean, pussy for miles. This is where I started getting really confused, though, because they start talking about kingdoms and alliances and there’s a lot of lines like, “Rohan shall ride!” and “Gondor still stands!” and “Flabadan Son of Rectum must wear the mantle of Bloggith!” and also there’s some shit with the elves that’s like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes. "
Comedy Gold

"..Even if you bring an iPod so
you can listen to VH during the Elf parts .." "So he and Magneto go to this huge white city where the king is being a dick and just eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass on the planet starts surrounding it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp. " " even in real life giant spiders are bad news.." "1970's Foot-to-Assers"

I rule! Woot!<p>
Here's the second best line of the Passion review:<p>
This is a great movie to take a chick to 'cuz it's super-violent but you can sit there like, hey, this doesn't effect me, and she'll think you're a total bad-ass. Then here comes the blowjob. Thank you, Jesus. <p>
And the third best line:<p>
But this is back in Bible times, when they didn't have shotguns and chainsaws, and back then when you want to kill a superhero you have to rain two hours of whomp-ass on him and then nail him to something, sort of like a message to other superheroes. And they must have gotten the message, because there weren't any more superheroes until Superman.

FIX THE FUCKING BOARDS!!! the order is all jived up to hell.
<P>
anyways, this Neil character is a funny dude. and i love how some ppl are just humorless assholes and have to scream "that was a review?!" dudes, how many reviews of 300 have we had? do we need to keep hearing the same thing over and over? jesus, have some fucking fun.

This is the funniest fookin movie review I have ever read! I sat here with my hand over my mouth trying not to spew iced tea at my screen and arouse suspicion from my boss!
And this movie IS gonna kick major league arse. But I like the "dude-ity"!!

Well Neill welcome back indeed. You may appear new to some of the recent additions to this site, but I remember your amazing review of LOTR: ROTK from some years back as one of the funniest things I've ever read in my life.<p>Further to PoundSand recognizing Neill's ability to be first to use words in new ways, here's a few from the ROTK review that have stuck with me to this day:<p>1. using TITS as a verb or adverb or adjective, as in: this movie is so TITS (which is precisely how Neill used it).<p>2. using BALL STOMP to describe something someone is going to sell, as in "he's gonna open up a wal-mart and all he's gonna sell is BALL STOMP."<p>Neill is brilliant, vulgar and crass yes, but brilliant.<p>In other news, someone suggested that Neill was actually Kevin Smith during the whole ROTK review saga.

Ok dude, those are wheat fields. Corn is a lot taller and has EARS OF CORN GROWING OUT OF THEM!!!! Watch "Field of Dreams" for God's sake. It was also introduced to civilization by Native Americans, not Roman Gladiators or Spartan Kings. Great review by Niel, by the way.

Neill Cumpston s Glorious Review Of HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS!!
Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
Man, I wish Neill had been at BNAT with us this year, but he's off being a movie star these days. Yeah, that's right. Neill Cumpston is making a series of buddy cop films with Jamie Foxx. They're shooting nine of them back-to-back, and they'll release one every three weeks. Or maybe not. I'm not really sure at this point. All I know is, this man's busy. And let's face it. This is the only review you really care about. I m just about finished with mine finally, and now that I ve read this... it all seems so empty...
HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS
Whenever cool movie series get to the third movie they suck dicks like they re trying to become Emperor of Dicksuck-ylvania. George Lucas had Star Wars, and then Empire Kicks Ass, and then all of a sudden it s Planet of Furry Faggoty Fuckheads. Then he had to make two more to feed the Suck Demon that was holding his children hostage, and those movies went beyond gay to where they re paying old people to take a dump on them.
Even this summer, with MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK, the Rule of the Suck-y Third Movie got re-proven. If the third X-Men movie had come out this summer it probably would have been some crippled crock of crap where Wheelchair Charlie traps Fuck Yeah Wolverine in an illusion mind-trap where Wolverine thinks he s a time traveler from a hundred years ago romancing Meg Ryan in right-now New York. Of course, the X-Men movie would try to redeem itself in the third act by having Wolverine realize it s a mind-illusion and cut Meg s head off and play dodgeball with it, but it would be too late and here comes my extra large Sprite at the screen.
But guess what' One movie series turned that rule on its head. One 3-movie series said, Wait a minute, we re going to make the 3rd movie SO tits it will make the FIRST two movies look gay.
I just saw HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS and that s the movie I was talking about in the last paragraph. This movie will make you forget that if you stick a knife in your belly you ll bleed to death so do not bring a knife to this movie.
It s also, thank fucking God, LOUD. Even if you bring an iPod so you can listen to VH during the Elf parts you ll take it off because I swear to fucking Roth you do NOT know where the next big bang is going to come from, or when something big is going to crunch someone s skull while you picture that person getting their skull crushed is really your neighbor upstairs that plays Dido all day or that dude at the Starbucks who s always reading and looking all smart.
Oh yeah, the movie is also 3 hours and 20 minutes, and I think it s almost four hours if you sit through all the credits (it was all pencil sketches of the characters, which I think means they ran out of money). So if you bring some chick who s all like, I have a spinning class tomorrow or I m thirsty tell her to go home and watch Gay Dudes and the Straight Guy because this movie takes fucking commitment. I saw the one dude in front of me who was with this girl, and the President of Warner Brothers came out and said, This movie is three hours and twenty minutes, and before I could say, So what, gaylord the chick says to the dude she s with that she has to GO. And he LET her go because this movie kicks so much ass you can SENSE it even before it starts. And this chick was a stone fox, and he probably could have made out with her, but he was like, I m going make out with this movie, that s how good it is. See ya, hottie.
This movie starts with the origin of Golem that creepy guy who looks like Iggy Pop and wears Tarzan pants and wants the invisible-ring. He s still on a quest with the two hobbits - Rudy from the film RUDY and Fredo - to throw the ring into a volcano (this is like a serious version of JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO). The ring is also evil but you keep thinking, while you watch it, that someone should put it on and check out some boobs. I have a feeling those scenes will be in the DVDs.
At the same time, the two other midget-men and the giant hippies have seriously fucked up that one evil guy s tower (he was Count Duke in Star Wars: Every Cock in the Universe Up My Ass Part II), and they hook back up with Magneto, and also that chick with the bow and arrows and finally the Giant Midget with the Axe. Oh, and also that I Don t Want to be the King/I Am Destined to Be the King Dude is with them, and he has this whole other story where he pretty much decides to be the King because, I mean, pussy for miles. This is where I started getting really confused, though, because they start talking about kingdoms and alliances and there s a lot of lines like, Rohan shall ride! and Gondor still stands! and Flabadan Son of Rectum must wear the mantle of Bloggith! and also there s some shit with the elves that s like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes.
But the movie is only doing this to set up the BATTLE OF SHIT-YOUR-PANTS, which isn t the actual name of the battle but SHOULD be because you will shit stuff you did not eat when you see it.
It all has to do with the fact that one of the midget-men takes this orb from the bad guy and he looks into it and sees the glowing eye s plan (or part of it something about a tree dying and Enya music playing). So he and Magneto go to this huge white city where the king is being a dick and just eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass on the planet starts surrounding it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp. There s this one medium-sized battle in a city that is like the last line of defense for the Big-Ass White City and it s pretty cool, with a lot of head-crunching and these huge flying bat demon things that I swear to God grab horses and the dudes riding them and fuck them up from the floor up. They re really loud, too, and a lot of chicks and older people were covering their ears.
Meanwhile, Rudy and Fredo and Golem are getting closer to the volcano, and Golem makes Fredo hate Rudy, and then tricks Fredo into a cave where there s a giant spider and FUCK that was really scary because even in real life giant spiders are bad news.
Someone told me that all of the spider stuff actually happens in the second book in the series, and that they had to tweak some of the stuff that happens in the books to make the movies work. You know what' Good. Books suck. They used to be good back when people didn t have movies and TV and dressed like Davey Crockett. People also used to ride horses and drink tea, but now we have cars and Sprite. Move the fuck on. Peter Jackson did an amazing job adapting these books, and now the movies are so kick-ass that some people are going to go back and READ the books, which wouldn t have happened if he d just filmed the books exactly as they are. Happy now, smarty'
Let me give you an example of how NOT to make books into movies:
This summer a huge bucket of farts came out called LEAGUE OF ADVENTURE GENTLEMEN. It was about how a bunch of characters from old-timey books got together and fucked up bad guys. And NO ONE SAW IT. Why'
First, they picked a bunch of characters like Invisible Man and Mr. Hyde and Dracula-Woman and Huck Finn. These are all characters from books that were written five hundred years ago. Huck Finn was actually written before writing. These are the kind of books they make you read in summer school but you re all like, Fuck you, I m going to play Sonic on my Sega and you totally complete all the levels by August. So who the fuck is going to go see a movie about characters and people they ve never heard of (the movie acts like you re supposed to know who these people are)' Like I said before, MOVIES are the new books, so how about this for a movie (I even thought of a good title):
___________________________________________________
TEAM 1970 S FOOT-TO-ASSERS
The movie opens: A cult killer tries to assassinate Chauncey Gardiner, the President of the United States. Before the brainwashed assassin dies he gasps the word, Cyrus and takes a poison pill.
Senator John Bluto Blutarsky forms a super-team to infiltrate New York and take down the Cyrus cult. This team is made up of Bruce (from ENTER THE DRAGON), Dirty Harry Callahan, a now-teenaged Regan MacNeill (who is a stone boner machine and also has devil powers), Quint from JAWS, who s upper torso washed ashore after the shark attacked him, and who has now been made bionic by Oscar Goldman and OSI, and finally Beau The Bandit Durville, who s driving his Trans Am.
They enter New York with the Bandit driving like a fucking maniac, and Dirty Harry shooting people out the window and Regan making people s heads explode and shit. Wow!
They get to the center of the Cyrus Cult headquarters in the middle of Central Park and confront Cyrus. He s controlling his subjects with a glowing Chevy Malibu. Bruce goes totally Jackie Chan on everyone while Harry and the Bandit battle their way to the car. Quint dies bringing down all the cult killers, and they drive off with the Malibu. They also find out that Cyrus was trained by the Parallax Corporation.
Back at the White House, they get their next assignment. They must take down the Parallax Corporation, which is being run by Gregory Marmalarde. They are creating an Army of brainwashed super-killers at their facility at Crystal Lake. These new killers are indestructible and a step above the cult killers of Cyrus. For this phase of the mission they are joined by CIA agent Vincent J. Ricardo (from THE IN-LAWS) and off they go.
They blast their way into Parallax Headquarters, only to find their way blocked by the new generation of super-killers hockey-mask wearing motherfuckers who have all undergone the Vorhees treatment . Bruce and Regan take on the killers, while Harry and Vincent go for Marmalarde. That s when he reveals his newest, greatest killer New York taxi driver Travis Bickle, who s undergone the Vorhees treatment and is a virtual arsenal of different guns, knives all of which appear from his wrists, chest, even eyes. Bickle killed Marmalarde s frat brother Douglas Neidermeyer in Vietnam. Harry dies fighting Bickle, but not before killing Marmalarde. Ricardo searches the Parallax files, only to find that Parallax is only a tiny part of a much bigger, much more evil power the Thorne Corporation, run by Damien Thorne. He has a huge facility in the Nevada desert, near Area 51.
Their final mission is to deliver the Chevy Malibu to Area 51. The Chevy contains a weapon which can defeat Thorne s final plan.
Thorne s compound is patrolled and protected by driverless trucks from DUEL and a bunch of those devil limousines from THE CAR. Two teams are sent in The Bandit, driving his Trans Am with Regan and Bruce, and another driver named Kowalski , who will drive the Malibu along with Ricardo.
They battle their way through the devil trucks and demon limos until they penetrate Thorne s headquarters. He s got every character from every boring-ass indie film in the last twenty years strapped to posts in this huge chamber full of leather-y ALIEN eggs. The eggs are hatching and putting face huggers on the douche bags from WALKING AND TALKING and SEX, LIES AND VIDEOTAPES and CHASING AMY and everyone from every Henry Jaglom film ever made and killing them.
There s nothing anyone can do they have to stand and watch while all of these characters are slowly and horrible killed before our eyes, and they hatch into Aliens. That s when Kowalski opens the trunk of the Malibu to reveal: ROY NEARY, JR. This is the half-human/half-alien offspring of Roy Neary from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND and he starts going outer space whup-ass on the aliens along with Bruce Lee. The Bandit looks at the camera, winks, and smiles. (There can be a lot of shots during the closing credits of The Bandit cracking up).
Ricardo and Regan work their way to Thorne s headquarters where there s this huge demon battle between Regan MacNeill and Damien Thorne that will make the audience go, We need new words for HOLY FUCKING SHIT .
___________________________________________________
See' Use characters from movies thirty years ago, instead of from books five hundred years ago. And by the way, that s only using characters from 70 s films. I also have plans for an 80 s team of ass-kickers and a 90 s team. Everyone who was into movies from before 1969 is dead, and we d actually better hurry with the 70 s thing, now that I think of it. Also, I totally copy-wrote this with the Writer s Society, and I also know a 400 pound man who will man-rape anyone who makes this movie without me.
Okay, back to HOBBIT-MAN, although at this point it s just wall-to-wall awesome. The Battle for the White Mountain City has trolls and elephants and catapults and a battering ram that looks like a dragon head on fire. Also, earlier Gandalf scares off the flying bats-things with his glowing staff. In the battle for the White Mountain City Gandalf just runs around giving orders. How about turning the bad guys into babies or something with his staff' But that would actually cut down on the ass-kicking so, actually, fine.
The I Don t Want to Be The King Guy gets a bunch of ghost warriors to fight, and that s just awesome when it happens, and also the elf chick with the bow takes down an elephant all by herself, and the Giant Midget keeps killing people with his axe.
Then when THAT battle s over and you re thinking, Just air comes out when I spooge now they stage a whole OTHER battle at Evil Town to distract the orks so Golem and Rudy and Fredo can get to the volcano. And I won t reveal what happens in the volcano except to say it involves Fredo and Rudy getting right to the very edge, but at the last second Fredo turns evil and decides not to throw the ring in, and puts it on instead so he turns invisible, buy Iggy shows up and bites off Fredo s finger and Iggy falls with the ring into the lava and Evil Town is completely destroyed. You will have to find out the rest for yourselves. I hate spoilers.
You can totally leave at this point but there s an extra half hour of everyone relaxing and going home and being happy and I guess they put that in so you can realize your pants are choked with poop from all the battle scenes, so thanks.
There s also an Annie Lennox song over the closing credits. ''''' How about Led Zeppelin s Ramble On , which is where they got the name Golem, or Ain t Talking Bout Love by Van Halen'
Peter Jackson has proved with these films that he is the man to bring A-TEAM to the screen. Five stars. Best movie of the next four years.
Neill, it s been too long since I ve gotten a good whiff of the crazy off of you. Give me a call later so we can talk about our unnatural hobbit love. And thanks a million for the review, buddy.
"Moriarty" out.

...come out of Neill Cumpston's reviews: 1) The laugh-out-loud reviews themselves, and 2) The hilarity of watching indignant talkbackers make complete asses of themselves while braying about how "childish", "vulgar" and "stupid" Neill is. I prematurely handed out a bunch of AICN "Mark Twain You Fucking Moron!" Awards a few days ago in the Michael Bay "tribute" video TB, but anytime a Cumpston review turns up all Twainies handed out previously during the year are automatically revoked and distributed to every talkbacker who doesn't "get" Cumpston. Special awards go to talkbackers who try to backtrack by saying "Yeah, well I know it's all a joke but I still don't think it's funny."

I forgot that one. That is without a doubt some of the funniest stuff ever posted here. [Cue people whining about the hilarity that is the movie titles MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK.]

Seriously. Way to juice up America for a fresh war against the Persians...excuse me...Iranians. Show us all a spectacular war movie where 300 Spartans (not counting those 700 Thebans, or the other extras) fought against 250k (now a million) Persians. I mean geez, a war with them Iranian terrorists shouldn't take a long time if 300 fey ancient Greeks could kick the krap out of 'em, right? Its like the Alamo but with togas and spears. Maybe our government should build a time machine, kidnap these 300 Spartans, and then put them in charge of guarding our nation's border against the tidal wave of illegal immigrants trying to run up our health care costs and taxes while they try to make Spanish the official language. TONIGHT, WE DINE IN TACO BELL! :)

Man there are some newbie fuckers here who have probably never heard of Neill Cumpston, let alone been subjected to his hilarious brand of torture review..... The guy who had a Batman Begins review one sheet that said "BAT-TASTIC" - Rolling Stone... "The bat is back in all his glory" - TIME... "This movie kicked me in the balls and ate out my girlfriend" - AINT IT COOL... The man is either a misunderstood genius of Kubrick proportions... or a tool. Either way... we love him..................... in a strictly non-gay, non-prison movie way....... "here comes my extra large sprite at the screen"

...talk about trying WAY TO HARD to be funny. Where's the review? ATTENTION NEILL CUMPSTON: if you're trying to pinch a loaf, bro...and it won't squeeze out...sometimes you gotta get off the pot. Otherwise you'll pass kidney stones and a dead fetus.

This review sucked ass. It also failed to meet Harry's requirements for a good review, which include how many times he whacked off mid movie, how many people in front of him got drenched by it and so on.
i want information, not delusions from a XXX theater employee.
let me guess...he is in his sixth year at JuCo because he keeps failing ENG101...
poor review.

I think I've mentioned ass maybe once in every ten billionth of the times you've gone off into anal alalyses in your posts. If I had a tuppence for every time you mentioned arse I could go retire and live in the country like a real lady. Oh yes and may the Forp be with you. (saw through my subtle disguise eh?)

Fucking genius. Cumpston is stone cold the funniest fucking reviewer in the known universe. Whiskey hammer. Three machine gun dick. This man should have his own movie. Awesome. Messi, Cumpston is now giving it to you hardcore stylee. Represent.

And then in the next paragraph he says "It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes"
Ok fella sounds like you're not playing a full deck.
I will see this movie. It's Frank Miller for chirst sake! No matter what the reviews are the visuals are going to be sick but I have HIGH hopes about this one and review or no review it's got my ticket money.

Christ, what do you all do? Grease up and chain fuck each other? Dudeity? Great word except it's not and it's stolen from some issue of Maxim. Go organize your Jackass collection and quit using "dude" and "cool" in every sentence.
RE: exclamation marks. Shit is free too so perhaps you'll utilize that in the future in your title lines - oh wait, you already did.

...chastising Necromunda *before* he actualy posted. BSB once said that I in my former life was "your bitch" and I was all prepared to accept this honour with pride. Even got an official jersey just like Sammy Davis Junior Junior in that movie starring Fredo from Hobbit-Man: The King Returns, you know "Everyone is Illuminati"? ANyway, I am unfortunately inable to be your Jersey bitch (hair not big enough) because 5and5makes12 (also now in another form) wouldn't share his "bitch/sheep/product". Would you know what form my former playmates 5and5 and Dorothy are now manifesting?

Sorry I don't spend my time reading every single entry here on the talkbacks.
I actually have a life so when I get a second here or there I glance at this site and see what's shaken. I read the reviews and make a post. I don't spend time reading every single entry in the tallback. I do read those who repsond to mine though so call me narcissistic. I guess I am not fanboy enough for you. Boo fucking hoo.
Choke on a turd.

I friend-i-ly suggest you retract your statement and get the fuck out of here before DocPazuzu returns. I'll cover your escape! now,--Move Move Move! RUN man, RUN!!! Run like all the hounds of Hell are behind you! :-)

But is it really dudity? I mean the Spartans didn't believe in using as much protection as did er, the Trojans, but from what I've seen this "dudity" looks about as tame as your funny great-uncle's well worn issue of Physique Pictorial. I mean posing straps and all! If we're going to have dudity let it be real and for true dudity - - the kind that really disturbs the reaction formation inclined around here, you know what I mean, The Full Monty Python. Just like that scene in The Life of Brian where you stop and say "shouldn't he be circumcised?"

I don't know about you but I love the graphic epic look and feel this movie has. I'm hoping that if Wonder Woman the movie is set in the 1940s that it will sort of mimick or be similar to the look of this film. It would be brilliant. And besides, nothing wrong with having naked Amazons on Themiscyra walking around. Neil just might get his wish...

If you had two L's would you like it if someone kept lopping one of yours off? That being said I agree with the whole "epic look" thing you said, I dig the whole make the movie *really* look like the comic thing that seems to have started with Sin City. Rather than lame attemps to make it look "comic-book style" which can hurt a film. Anyway remember it's Neill! Neill! Neill before ZOD!!!

...not only did approved of homosexuality, but they actually encouraged it in the military ranks. The idea is that you're likely to fight harder when it's your lover next to you on the field of battle. So, that would be a realistic reason for the dearth of breasts that this reviewer decries. Anyway, I always just thought that was an interesting factoid.

lol you know I could really truly give a shit what DocPazuzu thinks because after all he's just another keyboard commando hiding behind a screen name like everyone else. It's not going to ruin my life or shatter my ego if he has some witty comeback where everyone is like "oooo ahhh that will teach him". It's a website to post a rant about movies. There are no illusions on this end as to what it is. If he truly gets his panties in a bunch over it and wants to let it get to him then let him. I take all this with a grain of salt and I am here to have some fun and rant myself. Everyone likes to be heard or none of us would be here. I am just selective as to what I chose to read and I am not going to spend my time reading every single talkback as he seems to do based on his response. Fuck um. Let him flame me I am not retracting shit. I could care less lol, I'll just retort with my own flame and we can have the pissing contest to see who can take it further. It will be fun. Or it may just end here with this post. But thanks for looking out ;-)

I might have considered posting a scathing reply in which I once more -- perhaps more directly -- pointed out what an ass you are for 1) not seeing a joke review for what it is, and 2) trying to score cheap points by showing yourself superior to the intellect of the joke reviewer's shtick, and 3) getting all huffy and indignant when shown what an ass you are. However, since you actually typed "lol" in your post, anything else I might have to say is automatically superfluous.

So unspeakable that nobody can talk about anything else! While it is true that the Sacred Band of Thebes was the "Army of Lovers" (eventually to be defeated by Alexander), the Spartans did in fact have some interesting sexual traditions. Boys were raised without any contact with females once they were whelped, they were raised in military camps and not given enough food to survive. They had to steal food, but would be cruelly punished if caught doing so - - this led to them being hard little bastards. They were only allowed to see girls on very special religious holidays...and then ONLY allowed to SEE them. Naked. And writhing in an ecstatic ritual dance. The lads got all worked up into a frenzy, then were forced back into their barracks where of course rampant buggery ensued. Once a Soldier (they were all soldiers - any one unfit for military service didn't live) came of age he was allowed to marry. But he was only allowed to see his wife once a year, and then only at night. He was expected to have sex with his wife all night long and leave her pregnant, then he could not touch her again until after the child was born. So whilst not in exclusive homosexual love-relationships like the Sacred Band of Thebes, the Spartans nevertheless relied on same-sex fuck buddies as their primary sexual outlet. All the while holding women and heterosexual relations on a high pedestal of religious mystery.

"huffy and indignant" I am? Thanks for pointing that out now I can face the truth and deal with my anger. Are you for real?
Insert emoticon here ---> LOL
Just curious though is "ass" just an attempt at an initialism for some super secret fanboy club that you belong to or did you mean to call me an "asshole"? I don't mind being the "ass" but being referred to the brown starfish I just can't handle and I may have to kill myself.
You're still cracking me up! I take none of this serious and in no way am I "huffy and indignant" but I may have to use that line now in some more subject matter to replace the "Gotta Eat" just to be the "ass" and annoy you. Then again, nah. Don't worry DocPazuzu I hold no grudge. Maybe I didn't get the joke of the review but maybe you should be more careful yourself to realize that some of us have not been on here very long and there are better ways of pointing out to newcomers what is and what is not a common theme with some of the people who post reviews on here in reference to it being a joke instead of just bashing someone without thinking first yourself like maybe we did because then you are just as much of an "ass" as those who made the post to begin with that you are bashing in return. Not everyone "gets it" right away until they have been on here for awhile. Capeache?

that don't know about Cumpston and his reviews. Kinda sad.....they've missed out on some hysterical reviews. I guess I must be an adolescent retard for liking them. *shrug* Oh, by the way, can someone bring back the original BATTLEPOSTER? How the fuck did that guy get banned, and we still have Chicken George VII demonstrating how unfunny he is?

This is one of the coolest and funniest reviews I've ever seen. And pretty useful, too. It shows that it's a movie for guys and that I'll probably not like it as I don't like the transporter. It is also very useful because it convinced me to go see the Dude-ity ;)
After all, smart girls also have the right to like a meaningless parade of naked dudes!

It's lame retards such as yourself, that let projects like this get green lit. Heavy Metal in an ancient greek battle!!?? Aren't you embarassed to be in the theatre when you hear such out of place bullshit. Of course there was male nudity, IT WAS ANCIENT GREECE, they were all fucking eachother back then!!! Michael Bay needs to stop catering to this bullshit, jackass demographic. It's 'Armageddon', again, again, and over again. It would be different if the film was at least campy or fun.

but on a darker note, isn't this the guy who spooged all over Matrix Reloaded? My expectations are still in check but this was one of the most entertaining reviews EVER written. How's that for hyperbole?

messi, you're so right!
And since real life doesn't have a background music playing, any genre would be historically incorrect, so... whatever fits best with the movie atmosphere, works for me! Ladyhawk had an annoying 80's soundtrack and it's still a great fantasy movie (well, at least for girls, hehe)

THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO SUCK! DUDITY IS THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG! This is "TROY 2", a wannabe Gladiator with no plot just carnage. Dont get me wrong I like to see carnage as much as the next guy but there has to be some story with decent characters, not some ultra-gay Greeks swinging their dicks and axes all over the place. This is a homo-movie, made for homos, by homos...Frank Miller is a homo, and Sin City licked and sucked fat faggot balls and gargled a tub full of come. This movie will suck * 300 = shit. WARNING: MOVIE WILL SUCK! WAIT FOR THE DVD!

Uh, first of all, if you've watched the movie and still don't know what "300" means, you're a retard.
It's "300" Spartans against an army of Persians. And I'm talking millions of Persians. That's the meaning of "300." Jesus titty fucking Christ, pay attention more.

This movie was great!!! I am a chick, but violence does not offend me. Niether does the on-screen sausage fest, but I'm not offended by boobs either. Anyways subject at hand, I saw this at the local theater, but now I'm going to see it in IMAX.
Anyone curious about this movie- go see that shit!!! You won't feel shitty about paying the 10-15 bucks for the ticket : )