It was a joyous day in my family, the birth of
a granddaughter. It was the first child for this couple, he my most
successful son, she the dream daughter-in-law, and a child that was
well planned for in all respects. They are an ambitious couple, quite
wealthy for their years, very hard-working, investing wisely, and always
loving. You just knew their daughter would be the same.

Similar fond thoughts filled my head during the flight and my taxi
got me to the hospital well before other family members arrived for
the morning. I headed for the nursery, certain I could find my granddaughter amongst the others. It should be easy after all as the names
were clearly marked on the cradles.

Imagine my shock when I saw my last name on a cradle that listed the
first and middle names as:
'Pussy Amateur Nude Teen Slut! I was certain an over-worked, underpaid
nurses’ aid had become jealous of the wealth, beauty and success
of this young couple and perpetrated this cruel revenge. I vowed I’d
have her dismissed immediately.

Then my son appeared, the usual big smile and swagger, yet exuding
his normal unassuming friendliness. I immediately tried to shield that
disgusting name tag from him, but he’s young and moves quickly.
“Isn’t Kitty beautiful?” he enthusiastically asked.

“Ah,” I replied, “so her name is Kitty!” I
couldn’t hide my sense of relief and satisfaction. “What
a nice, cute, friendly, cuddly name! So what’s her middle name?”

He couldn’t hide his fervour. “Her legal name is written
right there,” he said, pointing to the cradle. She’s legally
'Pussy Amateur
Nude Teen Slut Pitts.' But we’ll call her Kitty around the
house. It's her nickname.”

I had to sit down. I’ve reared a number of children, both my
own and adopted and I thought I’d seen everything. For the first
time in my life I was speechless. From this couple, of all people, the
perfect kids, I get this? Finally I stammered: “W-why?”

“Oh,” he answered quickly, “we want the very best
for our daughter. You’re old and I know your generation named
kids in honour of parents and ancestors, star athletes, actors, musicians,
friends; but today life is more competitive and we have to name our
kids for success! That little girl will have to compete
for her fame and wealth against a shrinking world of billions of
educated, ambitious kids. She’ll need every advantage she can
get!”

I understand key words. I write scientific articles and each submission
must include key words so the paper may be better accessed by other
scholars. But, uh—Pussy
Amateur Nude Teen Slut?

“You see,” he explained excitedly, “those are the
most popular key words in the world! Those are the key words typed into
search engines literally billions of times a day. Its been that way
since Al Gore invented the internet, and it will be that way long after
we’re gone. OK, actually some English dude invented the internet
but what matters is that our little baby girl owns those words!”

“Everybody wants them!” he answered. “The CEO, the
college professor, the university registrar, the corporate buyer—they
all type those key words everyday. You type them, I type them, the president
of the Senate types them. Now they’ll all be directed to her website,
which, by the way, is already registered,” he added smugly.

“My god!”
“Look, dad!” he continued. “Just imagine, when she’s
in high school, running for cheerleader or student council, everybody
will know who she is because they hit her website every day while searching
for porn. Of course her site will have just enough
nudity to keep them there to read all her athletic and academic
credentials so she can’t lose! Imagine, the volleyball coach has
to decide who will be team captain, and every time she tries to relax
a few minutes with some porn, she’ll be directed to Kitty’s
website and bombarded by all the reasons she’s the only logical
choice for the job."
"I can see you've given this some thought," I began, but—"

“—You bet!" interrupted my son. "The same will
happen when she applies for the best of universities. The admissions
officers will be so familiar with her credentials that her acceptance
will be a slam-dunk! That football team quarterback destined to earn
millions won’t be able to escape her either! He’ll hit her
site so many times he’ll have her phone number memorised!
Thank about it, dad! Getting her first job out of college will be a
snap. Every time the personnel officers want to pull up a little
porn, he or she gets Kitty’s resume! If she goes into sales
or starts her own business, her customers will be constantly directed
to her website and her sales pitch millions of times a day, whether
they want to or not!"
"Yes, I see, but—"

My son ignored me. Caught up in the euphoria of his master plan, the
fruit of my loins continued, punctuating his remarks with ever more
flamboyant gestures. "She’ll probably be a famous actress,
though. Casting directors will be continually directed to her
site and her professionally prepared pitch for the part. She’ll
be more famous than Paris
Hilton—but with a catchier name—even before
she makes her first movie! Then she pitches her movie, fan club and
merchandise on her website. The same website, of course, that gets more
hits than any other in the world.
This will continue throughout her life! Kitty is destined to be the
most totally famous and successful woman ever, all because we named
her good keys words. Even in her passing, hers will be the most widely
read obituary ever.”

Admittedly still shaken, but slowly coming to grips with the logic
of his arguments and the inevitability of the situation, I searched
my soul for solace. Finally I tried to show some appreciation by saying:
“Well, thank god she wasn’t born a boy!”

With such a wide range of outstanding material,
it is almost impossible to single out anything that, er—stands
out, but our adult version of Snow
White and the Seven Dwarves, as well as Jennifer Gardner's many
stories, are all firm favourites with our readers.