Having survived as a teen, young adult, and adult when most would have bet I wouldn't, this journal is notes from where I am now.

7/18/2013

I've got a peaceful, easy feeling...

It's almost a year since the last post. It seems like my health has consumed my days. I just get over one situation and another is popping up. I have hopes that will be changing, as soon as I get over this last round. Maybe my days will go back to more than worrying about the heat and humidity and how it slows me down.In February I had a big battle with one of the new flu bugs and spent ten days in the hospital. I was on steroids for the first time and it was NOT my happy thought. I was just getting back to easily wandering around the neighborhood and enjoying barbeque's when 2011's aneurysms started to give way. June opened with what I thought was a major pinched nerve in my neck. After two days of doing what I could for it, the pain drove me to head for ER. The x-ray showed my aorta was leaking. I was in surgery almost before I could sign the release forms. I woke up to multiple incisions, including my sternum, in pain and with drugs that don't work for me to relieve it. I am one of the people for whom morphine will not work. Demerol, the drug that will work, has fallen into disfavor with the FDA and I can no longer get it prescribed. That leaves me with only things that half way work and have nasty side effects. It was a miserable time, but friends and family got me through it again. It's been about five weeks now, I am off the narcotic pain pills, doing most of my small shanty's chores and feeling some better. I still have very little stamina, but the current heat and humidity we are dealing with have locked me inside until the weekend, when it's supposed to cool back down into the 80's. I have worked in visits with friends, jam sessions with the guitar, back yard fires with the neighbors, some fishing and continue to visit with sister and Mom on Tuesdays. There have been birthday parties, family parties, and just because we can parties throughout the year. The little cabins next to me have all rented to good neighbors and we are all pretty friendly. We look out for each other and enjoy visiting back and forth. I am very glad to have such a strong core group of friends nearby. They have made these times of poor health much easier for me.My kids are doing pretty well right now. Mom is doing fine. I'm feeling spoiled by my family, who all helped while I was down. All of them love me and I love them and we know it. I can't ask for more than that.I just started driving again, but the truck has no a/c so I'm not going out this week. Soon I'll be able to get about and visit people again. I'm way overdue for some one on one with many of my people. Right now, life is good. I have enough and enough to share. The power is staying on, the a/c is working, I have what I need and most of what I want. My heart still has not given up seeking a partner, but I'm in no shape to be a help mate to anyone right now. It's having to wait. I still miss being an "us". I have gotten better at being "me" again, and it doesn't hurt so deeply every day. The thought of the mate jumped up and made me cry the other day, riding in sister's car behind a biker with a similar build and bike to what he had. I still miss him clear to the bottom of my soul. It is bearable now. The little things that bring him back to my heart still slash strongly when they sneak up on me. I don't see that changing. Who knows what comes next? :) I don't, and I am still here, so curiosity compels me to keep moving forward. Tomorrow night is supposed to cool off, I'm looking forward to that most of all right now. And I am content and peaceful inside, as messed up as this body is, and life, hard as it is right now, is still mostly good...Maybe something magic will happen soon...I love when that happens! Keep loving and caring - it's what makes each life a little easier.