By reading this, you are agreeing that this site and it's contents are fictional, and that the true authors cannot be held responsible for any damage caused in any way at any time. These articles and any entries posted on the links under any categories are purely opinion; the naming of any actual people or events are coincidental. Our disclaimer can be viewed here, if you do not read it you are still held to the same terms.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Sex Sells

SEX SEX SEX.And now I have probably got your attention. It is true. Sex definitely sells. Being in college especially, even prudes think about sex every once in a while. Guys think about it unceasingly; nearly everything a normal college guy does relates directly back to his desire for sex. Girls, while not publicly as honest, desire it more than they let on. Women have a lot of control on social interaction. They control (with the exception of coward assholes that resort to rape) who they have sex with, and most of the time, do not with to with the same amount of partners as men do. Nine times out of ten guys want to have sex with girls that do not want to have sex with them. This leads to what many men call "the hunt." The elite even hunt for "Red October." Ew. As a study, lets see what guys first think when they see this:

I imagine, for some reason, they automatically think about SEX.If they don't, they are either (a) gay (b) eunuchs (c) canadians. All three have me confused as fuck if they don't LOVE that picture. God Bless America.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Prince Ugly Goes Clubbing

from cnn.net

Prince Harry, all that is bag of douche, went to a strip club recently. The CNN story made him look like a complete tool, and even brought up when the moron was dressed up as a fucking Nazi a year or so ago. He will be eligible for service in Iraq or Afghanistan in the future, now that he has just finished training to become an officer in, get this, one of Britain's most prestigious units. You and I both know that that puss wagon is never going to see combat, and if he does, it will be on a big fucking movie screen, and he'll probably be dressed up like a big bloody tampon. Here's one for ya':

The Obesity Epidemic

from clappingfetus.com

As if it were the fucking flu, fat is sweeping our nation daily. Millions of fat fucks and lazy asses flock to fast food joints, sit in the car in line for twenty minutes (because getting of the rolls of fat they call asses to STAND in line would call for far too much effort), and then go home to waste away in the fat that you can almost smell. Although not all are quite to the level that would require John Doe from "Seven" to step in, many are. If we could just breed an army of cyborg mutants like Kevin Spacey's character, we'd have far less fat people. And probably hookers. I, a "not fat" person, went to McDonald's for food. Yes, there was about a half dozen fat fucks in front of me. One of them actually honked. The line was taking long, so he fucking honked. What a stupid cock. I, being sensible, and not a fat fuck, went inside and ordered. It was delicious. Except for the fact that there was about a half pound of pubic bush as my lettuce, I was surrounded by even more fat fucks that can't afford cars or homes so they bum around McDonald's trying to scrap up a dollar for a fucking Big-n-Tasty, and my butt was about to explode with the first bite of grease owned fries. So I went home and took the fattest shit known to man, and realized that I hate fat people enough to make fun of them in this article. FUCK.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Hefner A Virgin?

"...what if it is too teeny weeny?"

from blogs.mercurynews.com

If a recent interview by "Hef" given exclusively to Tuesday Times is actually fact, the Playboy creator is what most people call "a virgin." A virgin is defined as "A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse," and sexual intercourse is defined as "coitus between humans," and coitus is defined as "sexual union between a male and a female involving insertion of the penis into the vagina." How has Tuesday Times come to the conclusion that Hef, a man consistently surrounded by teen and twenty somethings-supple and naked, tight bodied and gorgeous- has never been involved with his penis being inserted into a vagina?He claimed, "I get nervous. A woman has never seen my hoo-hoo dilly before. What if it is too teeny weeny? Then I wouldn't be Hef anymore, I'd be that baby dicked monstrosity of an old man. It is too much to think about. I won't be pressured into losing my precious gift." Hef explained in detail of how he became the father of two test tube babies."I just couldn't let my wife touch my pecker, so I released into a Glad tupperware container and she funneled it into her love hole. Now we have two heathens." Many remain skeptical at this bombshell of a lie, but Hef is solid in his stance."No way, man. My tweeter pee pee is just for me and my stash of dirty magazines." At this he leaned in and whispered, "I've got every issue of Playboy in my closet," and winked suggestively.

Neal is XXX

Yes, it is true. The cock loving, ass pumping douche of the nation is in fact, Neal XXXXXX XXXXXXXXX. Despite my playing along with his Prichard Dunmeyer fiasco, that is posted on various places throughout the site, Neal actually did display some humor. The writing style, Neal, is what revealed you. That and the IP trace (it is further down the page). I know that Microsoft Word's thesaurus may help you sometimes Neal, but not here. And, I am protected for posting all of the information below by my disclaimer by the way. Hackers, have your fun.

Dear Neal, This is step one of you getting owned. Until I receive an apology stating:(1) I own you(2) My site is in fact funny(3) You are gay(4) Admit to that time you used dog shampoo for a month,I will make it my personal mission to have you subscribed via U.S. Mail and e-mail, both to your home, school, and personal address back in Memphis (imagaine the horror when Karen opens a package filled with dildo offers addressed to her sweet Israel), and I will guarantee that every medium of media you possess is inundated with any bullshit I can find. I will be waiting for the apology. Until then, have fun with all of your new memberships, cockass.Love, Me.

P.S. Sorry, I accidentally signed you up for a couple promotional offers. Have fun unsubscribing cockass.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Hate Problems

Prichard Dunmeyer. A.k.a Cockass. His e-mail address is here, so feel free to bombard him with whatever you please. I know that we have a hate page set up specifically for things like this, but I couldn't resist posting this on the main page.

In reference to my article "Presidents Do As They Please," in which I neither condone nor disagree with Bush's wiretapping (my position is known as "neutral"), Pritch left a belittling comment that read as follows:

"If I had a nickel for the amount of times that your humor hit rock bottom within this article, I could put you through college. But I wouldn't, because I don't like you.

-Pritch "

Touche, Pritch- touching indeed.

But there are some falsehoods in your so cleverly designed attack. Here they are-

(a) no you could not afford to put me through college. At the University of Memphis, it currently costs (tuition and fees) $5,084 for a domiciled resident of Tennessee. This information is available through the Univerisity's page:

. (b) there were approximately 269 words and 1461 characters in the aforementioned article. Assuming that every single character in the article were an occasion that my "humor hit rock bottom," you would hypothetically have $73.05 USD, or U.S. Dollars. (c) So in conclusion, were you to have this money, you would have just enough to buy 10 pills of Viagra, and maybe even cover the shipping. Here is the link for

. But why would I give you access to a price list of Viagra? Well, Pritch, after finding out that you are located in California, close to Sunnyvale (trace map IP), I realized that unless you are homosexual, as I initially thought you to be, your beast whore of a wife might be what is keeping you from attaining an "erection," also known as an engorgement of the male reproductive organ. Perhaps if you down all ten of these bad boys (your check is on the way) and find a nice brown paper bag, you could manage to eek out a small enough amount of semen to resemble an orgasm, thus making your wife feel more like a woman, because her eight inch tranny cock just isn't cutting it. Well, Pritch, thanks for writing.

Re-formatting

After many recent updates regarding basic site design, new content, new features (hate mail, pictures, media reviews, etc.), we have decided to make this site actually worth while. Articles will continue to be posted on this page, but maybe with just a hint more of reality and sophistication. Several options are being considered to be added to our tuesday times empire, and are currently being developed before being published. For links that you might want to see on tuesday times, e-mail the author at the link posted all over this page. If you can't find the link, here it is again- thetuesdaytimes