I be reading about Iran giving mad cash to the Afghans, yo. (oh and tha 4 STAR G be loving the Guardian, yo, Charlie Brooker my nigga – Nathan Barley be based on tha K to tha J to tha muthafucking U if that KJU be a Round Eyes, yo.)

This be the same Afghans that be conspiring with tha Saudis to be cheating us out of our weed and cash and stealing our nukes and be talking all shit to my girl Kim Kardashian and having her not be adding me on MySpace and shit, first of all.

Second of all, they ain’t even in tha club. They ain’t part of the Axis of Evil. They just some weed-growing bumpkins, yo.

Iran never gave me shit, yo. We be getting mad love from Cuba. China be loving on us too – when they ain’t confiscating the nukes we accidently be leaving in theys casinos. But we ain’t got shit from Iran.

So this my message, yo – gimme what I want or I’ll get it where I can.

We’s lonely up in this democratic peoples muthafucker, man.

Anyway, this my boy Ayatollah – he know where tha love at, not like that other Ayatollah that chump ass cheapskate.

Die Antwoord be tha dopest shit on that dark ass continent that ain’t the missiles and blunt ass machetes we sold to those rebels in the Congo in return for all that mad bling a year or so back, yo.

I think this joint Evil Boy be all about the J-Unit, yo.

Check it. Tha 4 STAR G be in negotiations via my nigga Major Choe to get this joint released here in Azya thru my Yongbyon Records.

Yolandi some weird ass lokking bitch. Still, in the dark ass alleys of Hanoi and Rangoon, the J-Unit fucked stranger looking chicks. There be rumours for mad years now that Ri Chun Il, one of my alt niggaz on the Central Committee once fucked an Orangutan. We sent that crazy ass muthafucka to Indonesia to try to get those fez-wearing fucks to buy some of our missiles to shoot at those Round Eye chumps Ausfalia. He didn’t sell any missiles, but Choe said he heard from his friend in the miliary front company in Macao that Ri fucked the monkey. Said there be some myth it makes you all virile and shit. The Fresh Prince’s seed be pure, so fuck that shit, maaan.

That be some hard ass chronic shit Major Choe be trading those centrifuges for with them sandniggaz.

I ain’t been this high since North Carolina beat Michigan State last year, yo. We be all jumping over fires and shit. Jong-Chul be all burning his ass and shit. Shit was cash. I put the pics up on Flickr, yo.

We did some shit, though, Choe and me, when we was all blasted that didn’t work out so good.

Not that faggot shit if that what you be thinking. That be a southern thing, up here not so much. Except in the prisons, yo. But way I see it, what a nigga get up to in prison or in some dark ass coal mine be his own business, you feel me?

Nah man, what I mean is we was watching this dancing monkey on the internet which FINALLY got itself back again after all them storms. Man. We must’ve been watching that nigga for fucking hours man.We be laughing out blunt ass asses off, yo. Choe be all like, for a monkey, that bitch be pretty hot.

Somehow we ended up making this:

And somehow, we ended up ordering the Party Printing House to print up 50,000 of these muthafuckas for my inauguration in a few days time.

I don’t remember any of that shit actually happening, but I’m told it did, and it sure as shit seem like the sort of fucked up shit I be doing when I’s blunted.

And nigga, I was EPIC blunted, yo.

So dad found out when some chumpass nigga in the Printing House be calling up someone to ask why we wanna go be printing 50,000 posters with the head of gramps, Kim Il-Sung, replaced by that sweet ass dancing monkey.

Someone in Dad’s office came down and be all like NIGGA WOT?

So dad calls me and he’s like WOT THA FUCK, NIGGA? And he be saying that I as bad as that weak ass junkie Jong-Chul and he don’t know if he wanna be handing over power and shit to me no more.

It be ok though. He just be butt hurt we not be sharing the chronic. I explained that gramps still be my dead ass Choson nigga number one, yo. Me and Choe, we was just smoking up. He need to chill. He on edge cos he all dying and shit.

And he be like, where that dope from, yo? Except he don’t really talk like that but that be what he meant.

And I explain about this deal that me and Choe be doing with the sandniggaz and how we selling what we ain’t smoking to the Chinks and the faggitz in the south and stacking mad bills, yo.

O man.

You shoulda seen his face.

He got all red and start choking like he be sucking on the fattest J you ever seen.

Then he be all lecturing me about how shit be all “sensitive” with the round-eyes and the southern faggits and how now really be not the time to be making deals to swap nukes with the sandniggaz for weed and shit. Says we gotta be careful or they be getting even more up in our shit.

Man, I thought he’d be proud.

We be fucking raking in the dough, yo.

He just shakes his head and gets his hot ass nurse to wheel his butthurt butt away.

I’m gonna beat the shit out of that nigga Major Choe when I see him next.

Major Choe, he be like my right-hand-nigga, he be coming back from Macao early this morning after I’s sent him there to sort out some shit wit my stash down there that that chumpass faggit Obama be all getting up in our shit for.

And tha news be good, nigga. Tha news be gooooood.

The Old Man be slowly handing shit over to me to take care of while he gets all old and shit and all talking about going back to the USSR where he grew up as a boy. And I’m like, that place don’t last no more, nigga. And his Generals they be all like, nah, we gotta pretend like you a real hard ass Choson bitch born and bred. Like Jong-Un.

So he let me do these fireworks and shit and some sattellite launches to make the internet go faster than fucking 4.8kb. Fireworks are cash, nigga. Except we was so fucking stoned on the day that we had to pay these army niggaz to do that shit for us.

Anyway, I’s starting to help out with the weapons and shit. Shit is boss. What we doing is swapping this nuclear technology stuff with these Afghan sandniggas and in return we be getting the dopest dope you ever fucking smoked, nigaaaaaaa!!! Shit be so epic, man. FUCK. That shit gonna knock you on your ass all day, man.

We also be getting smack and shit but we just send that shit to China and those pussy asses in the South. My older brother Jong-Chul, he be getting into that shit. We had to send that nigga to Cuba for like a fucking month to get clean. He told me he spent all the time fucking Latin bitches with Diego Maradona and he still parties. Tried to get Maradona to come coach our national team, but he got all confused and shit when we gave him a copy of Dad’s book On The Importance Of The Ideological Struggle For The Revolutionary & Scientifically Correct Ideology of Juche In The Sphere Of Sporting Excellence. Can’t say I blame the nigga.

So Major Choe be good at this shit. His dad used to be in charge of food and grain and shit and used to swap that shit for weapons. Now we be swapping weapons for weed. For real.

So Choe and I be spending all day smoking up and watching these pussy ass K-Pop DVDs he brung back with that kilo of Afghan weed. I’m gonna fuck that KARA band when they all dressed up like cats and shit. That is so hot. But man there is some pussy ass faggits they got down there. Look at these Dalmatian dawgs. Man. I don’t know if I should be kicking they asses or be fucking they asses, yo. They be some weakass niggaz right there.

They think they b-boys. Man. I am ten times a better rapper than any of those punkass bitches. Bitches should be licking the J-Unit’s face, yo. The J-Unit Crew, we be chilling right now. We be working on something with Timbaland for the inuaguration, though. Fucking banging that shit. You see.

So this what it be like up here in the Hermit Kingdom tonight, yo. Check it:

Knocked the fucking bball hoop down, yo. This be some hardass storms all up in my ass all a sudden so I can’t practice my moves.

Tha J-Unit got bigger shit flipping then that shit, yo.

Check it.

Obama be fucking wit my stash.

Don’t no muthafucka go fucking wit my stash.

He don’t know who he dealing with. You don’t fuck wit da Choson Nigga Number One and fucking walk away from that shit, yo.

Yankees be putting all these sanctions and shit on all these money niggaz we got working for us down in Macao. They saying we selling meth to the Chinks and that pussyass fake Choson down south and we be buying weapons and shit.