Tampa, FL - The Tampa Bay Rays, in an effort to boost their embarrassingly poor attendance - MLB's worst - announced that this Friday will be iPhone 5 Night, with the first 10,000 fans receiving Apple's latest gizmo, absolutely free.

"We're hoping to pull in at least 8,000 fans for this very attractive promotion," said Tampa Bay Rays' owner Stuart Sternberg, who added that no one receiving an iPhone would be forced to stay more than one inning.

Sternberg said that Tropicana Field's concession stands would also be selling fan fav banana-flavored Dippin' Dots at a "steep discount."

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Following Jerry Jones' comment that it was "absurd" to link football with chronic traumatic encephalopathy (C.T.E.) disease The Flat Earth Society has withdrawn an invitation to Cowboys owner to address their annual convention. "We can't afford to be embarrassed," said a Flat Earth spokesman.