I played a ton, and did both a ton and nothing. I shall explain in what may seem stream of consciousness. Maybe it is.

So started in Argolis after wrapping up Chrysis. Decided to magpie. Found this bigass pit with a legendary lion. Said lion was level 23. I was level 25. “Cool,” I thought, “Two levels up? Gonna kill me a lion. No problemo.”

Game….I don’t get it. Pretty much always, levels make sense. Something is higher than you, it’s tougher. Lower, less so. This is how levels WORK. And yet, with animals, this is total bullshit. That boar that I still haven’t killed from way back when? Tough. This lion? Unbeatable. Two levels under me! What GIVES game?

Anyhoo, didn’t kill the lion. No, ran away, only to be chased by a whole lot of other lions, who obviously had taken my attempts to kill their grandpa personally. So I ran away to the only place I could: The ocean. But my boat was far, far, far away, so I hijacked a fishing boat and made for an island that seemed to have a boat dock. Turned out to be the Obsidian islands (some of them, anyway) and something something Eros and hot springs.

And, what do you know, it had question marks. And side quests!

Sadly, the question marks also turned out to be really, really ornery wild beasts (in this case, leopards) (kinda nice of the animals to agree to their own places, isn’t it?), but the side quest turned out to be a chance to do random combat with a tough as nails hottie who I totally banged before we realized we probably will have to kill each other later. You do all this?

Then called the boat, did some pirate killing, felt bad cuz they probably had better shanties than I do. But mostly needed the boat cuz I had to go to Korinth to continue the main story and I didn’t have any fast travel points there.

Sailed back, and immediately saw one of those blue quests, the “stories of Greece” or some shit. Said “You know, purely for blog purposes, I might try that out.” So I did. Or I am. Currently.

Cuz it is/was/is LOOOONG.

Well, IT’S not long, per se. It leads to a series of quests, but the string of quests is LONG. Still going, actually.

But themey! Blog worthy! You should do it! Lots of choices! Like….LOTS!

And it’ll probably be less LONG for you, because I spent a lot of time saying “There? How am I gonna get there? I haven’t been there. There’s no fast travel point near there.” So I spent a great deal of time running/swimming/sailing/yet more swimming cuz I didn’t have the boat in a very meditative, annoying, red dead way.

Anyway, long story short, started in Argolis, was going to go straight to the main story, played two hours, didn’t get anywhere near the main story, and…..I’m back in Argolis.

I’m starting to think we should just give up looking at games that will come out later. We’re never gonna finish this.

Oh but you know what I got? You know what I got?

The key to the vault….IN THE BIGASSED VOLCANO!

Told you you should’ve waited.

THEN: played another ton. Finished up with the blue quest (I got to go in the volcano’s vault! BOOM! It was fun) and I very much recommend you do it. LOTS of bloggage. Well, by this game’s standards.

And then started ANOTHER blue quest cuz it was there and spent a whole mess of time doing that and going there and doing that.

MORE good stuff.

And that’s it. As you haven’t done that, I got nothing.

Feminina:

Are you sure those quests are blue? I swear mine are orange. When you said ‘blue quests’ all I could think was “those blue exclamation points on the map that represent content added by random players? I’m not doing that!”

But then you said “tales of Ancient Greece” or whatever, and I do have those, and I will do one when I get to one, probably. So…yeah. Haven’t done that.

I did manage to play a little. Killed one cultist in…uh…Ebora or someplace? He turned out to be the leader at the Leader House? That was convenient.

Then I went to Korinth, where I have plenty of fast travel points because I spent six weeks magpieing there earlier. Talked to Alkibiades, did a job for him in a place I’d already cleared out earlier (had to kill a few more people, of course, because they’d restaffed, but at least I wasn’t worrying about the captain and the war supplies). Got a nice reward, if you know what I mean, and I’m sure you do.

Talked to the hetaera I’m supposed to talk to, got some hetaerae quests to help people before they tell me about my mother. Totally going to follow up on those when I get the chance.

But if you were off doing tales of ancient Greece, it sounds as if we’ve diverged for the moment.

Butch:

Yes, tales of Ancient Greece. Weird. Mine are blue. They were in Korinth.

Hmm.

Feminina:

Maybe mine are blue too, and I’ve just been ignoring them because I thought they were those player-generated content ones. Because those are also blue, right? Those ones where if you get close you see a weird distortion in the air? And then, if you’re me, you think “naw” and go somewhere else? Maybe they’re different shades of blue, but I missed the distinction.

But if they’re in Korinth, I’m right there, so I’ll get to them. I’ll look at blue exclamation points I may have been ignoring.

So I was going to go off to Keos (why do I think we’re going to be starting a lot of days like that?) but there were side quests in Attika and, you know, side quests.

So I did the side quests. They all involved Socrates, who I wish would just shut up and have some hemlock already. I take it you haven’t done them. But you will someday, because you’ll have to cuz cultists.

So remember that guy with the mine I was trying to track down? The slave guy? Well, in the middle of the last damn quest, the guy is all “I want you to kill so and so” and I say “Why?” and he’s all “The Cult of Kosmos needs her dead,” and IT’S THE GUY! After all that, he just TELLS YOU! Then, after banter ensued, the quest ended, and he was JUST STANDING THERE with his back to me. So I killed him.

You’ll get there. We’ll talk. It’s something we shall have thoughts upon. But, after all the searching, talk about an anticlimax.

AND! AND! Guess where he was? Go ahead. Guess. C’mon guess HE WAS RIGHT BY THAT FUCKING SILVER MINE IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO GET INTO! So if I had NOT magpied, just followed the way the game was guiding me, I’d’ve found him, then BOOM cultist clue nearby, THEN done the mine.

This game, you see, does not want us to magpie. It wants us to follow the breadcrumbs.

We should just go to fucking Keos. Where I’ve already been cuz I magpied.

Also, regarding the magpie and the game’s desire that we knock it the fuck off, we really should get on with getting on with things because the more I see fall approaching, and the more I see gameplay from the Outer Worlds, and the more I hear it has great companions, and the more I think that Death Stranding is coming out in the fall as well, the more I think maybe I don’t want to be assassinating dudes too far into the fall. Not that I’m not liking this game, but DAMN when was the last time we had three AAA games that we’ve been into dropping in a six month span?

Cuz I also lose a week, you know. Soon it’s once again time to TRAVEL BLOG WITH BUTCH! The readers will thrill to Butch’s adventures as BUTCH TAKES SOUTH BEACH, BABY!

They’ll love it. It’s gonna be great.

Feminina:

I also did side quests in Attika! Went after that guy Kleon wanted me to find in the quarry. Remembered I’d already cleared out the quarry a week ago (although of course it had been restaffed in the meantime), so at least I didn’t have to bother with killing the captain and finding the treasure. (I actually quite enjoyed that quarry at the time. Lots of interesting levels and hiding places.)

Found the guy, who was a TOTALLY different H-name guy than the Heitor you were looking for, although while in that general area I did pick up the Heitor quest. Did pick up a clue about a cultist once I went back to my ship, which I did because of ship-related reasons that only Kleon’s dude can tell you about. Probably not in any way related to the cultist you were looking for clues about, who turned out to actually just be standing there.

Was randomly attacked by a shipfaring mercenary known, counterintuitively, as “The Terror of the Land.” (I suppose he swoops in on his ship to terrorize coastal cities? Still. Odd choice of name.)

Now I have to go back to Athens to talk to Kleon and Allie. And probably Sokrates because that dude does talk.

And man, it’s true, we do have a lot of stuff on the horizon that we potentially want to play. Including what’s-his-name-Cage’s latest, which we got for free last month and haven’t looked at!

At least nothing new in August. It’s just Wipeout Omega and Sniper Elite 4, neither of which interest me.

Butch:

Shit forgot about that! And we never did play Life is Strange two.

Better get going here.

Not that I can right now. Spending yet more money on junior. School is expensive.

Feminina:

And Divinity: Original Sin 2!

There’s a lot going on.

You know, with the time we spent on Red Dead Redemption 2’s epilogue, we probably could have played at least LiS2.

I will never really forgive that epilogue.

Butch:

Shit I had forgotten that one! Jeez. We better go to Keos.

I wasn’t going to forgive that epilogue anyway, but when you put it that way, I’m even less likely to forgive it.

Ok! Now that I’m out of money, back to blogging!

So which Attika quests? I did the ones where I had to forge name, that led to “get me a witness,” then “break into the playwright’s house” popped by the statue of Athena, did that, that made another Socrates quest pop in the port place (this one was about a horse thief), and then the quest where you help a slave popped by the silver mine.

Much more efficient to chase exclamation points than question marks.

Probably a T SHIRT!!!!! that.

I haven’t done fuck all for Kleon. I kinda forget what I’m supposed to do for Kleon. What am I supposed to do for Kleon? I thought it was “Hey, man, if you see a Spartan fort, kill the polemarch and tell me, m’kay?” So I was just waiting to magpie in Sparta.

Feminina:

That’s what I was thinking too, re: Kleon, but it turns out he’s specifically interested in the polemarch in one particular Spartan camp, which is right outside Athens. So you’re in the general area already.

It leads to a moderately involved bit with a ship, if you’re in the mood for that. Though I seem to recall that everyone involved was about level 29, so maybe come back to it later.

Chasing exclamation points is all very well, except then how are you going to hit all the question marks? WHAT IF YOU MISS SOMETHING?!

And I know many rational people would say “if I don’t get to it through exclamation points, I’ll just go back for it later on,” but what if you never do? What if you finish the game without getting back to that lion cave to kill that Alpha Animal?

The horror. THE HORROR.

And sure, rational people would point out that if you didn’t get around to doing it during the course of the entire game it probably isn’t that important, but THEY CAN’T BE SURE OF THAT.

What if we miss story? Romance? A statue of Naked Zeus being naked?

The soul quails in terror.

In short: I’ll never give up the magpie. You can’t make me.

Butch:

Oh THAT place. Yeah, I know the place. When I was running the fuck away from killing the cultist in downtown Athens (let’s just say I wasn’t really at my best stealth wise), I ran like holy hell and, when I stopped, it was all “You are by an untracked target,” to which I said “I am?” and boom. Fort.

You do know you’re going to end up playing the game twice, right? The first time you kill everything everywhere, and then the second time you kill everything everywhere.

Probably for the best I’m going to strut my stuff on South Beach. Let you catch up while I’m KILLING IT with the beautiful people.

Feminina:

Naw, because the second time I go back, I sometimes don’t even bother to kill anyone! I’ll sneak in, do whatever I need to do, and bolt out again.

Doesn’t always work. I’ll admit that. Sometimes you do wind up having to kill everyone all over again. But many times, you can say “OK, I don’t have any location objectives here, don’t have to kill any captains or burn any war supplies, so I’m out. Later losers!”

I’m not ashamed to run like hell away from a fight if it will save me the time and annoyance of having to fight a bunch of dudes for no reason.

Butch:

We’ve been differing in this game more than usual, and here’s another difference: “No reason” means different things to us at this juncture.

I mean, dude, why do you need boots that are obsolete the minute you loot them? What did that alpha animal do to you?

I guess I read the word “practical” between “no” and “reason.” Silly me.

Feminina:

Yeah, you did. Don’t do that.

My reason is: “it says so in the location objections, and I must get that checkmark on the map that says I completed this location.”

Also, I promptly dismantle those boots and use the soft leather to upgrade my ship, so don’t scorn loot you can’t wear. It’s still useful, man.

Butch:

It’s funny though, as you aren’t a completionist in any game that doesn’t have “Assassin’s” or “Creed” in its title. Before you go all “But I didn’t like RDR2 enough to collect all that shit,” I point out you didn’t do every hunting ground in HZD, you didn’t get every moldy flag in DAI (a lot of them, but not all), etc. You don’t have platinums in your trophy case. And yet, in these games, you are all “MUST. HAVE. CHECKMARK.”

It’s very unlike you.

Because, ok, fine. You like AC. But I have been blogging with you a very long time, and I can tell you have played games, we have played games together, that you like more than this one. This game is fun but neither of us are gonna put it on our “top games I’ve ever played ever ever” list. And yet….here you are, doing the complete thing you don’t even do in games that are on your “top games I’ve ever played ever ever” list.

It’s weird, dude. Weird.

Feminina:

I don’t know, man. Consider Fallout. Or the Elder Scrolls games I’ve played. Like this game, they are full of question marks, and as with this game, I compulsively sought out every single one. Did I actually get to every single question mark in FO4? Maybe not. Because they didn’t necessarily show up until you got kind of close to them, and some of them I may have missed. But not for lack of trying. And did I get to every single one I actually saw? I’m pretty sure I did.

I think it’s the question mark itself, to be honest. There’s something about its curling shape, its hint of wonder, its suggestion of mysteries to be solved, that I cannot resist.

Because there are non-question mark things in this game that I’m not going after. I’m not obsessing about killing every single mercenary. I’ll only kill every single cultist if, as we suspect, you have to do it to finish the game. I’m ignoring conquest battles on every side.

Apparently there’s an arena somewhere that at some point you can go to and fight other mercenaries in, and I’m not going anywhere near that unless it’s absolutely required.

And take Mafia III: I didn’t bother to drive in a single race at the racetrack, but did I seek out every point on the map in every single territory? You better believe I did.

So I don’t know, I don’t think I’m doing anything especially out of the ordinary for me.

Question marks. On the map. They cannot be allowed to stand.

If you have found a way to make peace with leaving question marks on a map unexplored, I salute you, but your path to contentment is not mine.

Butch:

Dude, I left playboys undiscovered. I left NUDITY undiscovered.

I suppose you are, at heart, a discoverer. A wonderer. An optimist. You always have hope that next question mark will be something great…something other than a bandit camp or a wolf den, despite the fact it always is one.

Wait until your kids are older. Then your soul will be crushed. You’ll run by all the question marks cuz you’ll know the truth: They just cost money.

Feminina:

It’s up to Future Us to look back upon this day in a few years and see how that turns out. You could be right.

You are the one with the crushed soul, after all.

Speaking of crushed souls, that’s another thing that’s coming out someday…more The Last of Us. There’s a lot to get to. Fortunately, much of it not released yet, but still a lot.

Butch:

I think that one’s a while off. I can’t imagine it’s coming out before the PS5, which is, what, MAYBE Xmas 2020? But Outer Worlds is October, Death Stranding is November, Cyberpunk is April. AND Divinity and Detroit? I mean….

Maybe it will all give us excuses to procrastinate when it comes to playing TLOU2, which I’m not necessarily sure I’m looking forward to…..

Feminina:

Yeah. We will have many opportunities to put off that bit of soul-crushing. Maybe we’ll get around to it when the actual world is less apocalyptic.

So never.

Damn, TLOU turns everything dark really fast.

Butch:

I know. It’s a game I feel I should play, but not a game I want to play. The other games we’ve mentioned today? Want to play.

You know….we don’t HAVE to play it…..

Feminina:

It’s true. We don’t, do we? We might just never get around to it. Even if it’s totally amazing and everyone says it’s the best game ever.

It could happen. Let’s leave our options open there. It’s a comforting thought.

Butch:

Indeed it is. We must remember that this is our hobby. Despite our lengthy complaints about the games we play, we do this for fun. Fun, I say! And, while blogging is as much fun, and TLOU2 is probably going to be bloggage from here to there, we can blog about pretty much anything. ANYTHING.

We have limited time, after all. It’s a precious resource. We wouldn’t waste precious drinking time on booze we didn’t like, now would we?

Well, we would. But only if there was no other booze to be had. But there is other game booze to imbibe, so imbibe we can. Shall. Will. Must!

Feminina:

Yes! We drink soul-crushing booze only when all the other booze is gone!

We don’t HAVE to play soul-crushing games until all the other games are played.

So, never.

Butch:

Indeed, never.

Especially as we’re never going to finish the game we are currently playing.

Dude, Keos! I’ve BEEN to Keos! I can fast travel to Keos! I mean, I won’t any time soon cuz there’s other stuff to do, but I’ve been there!

Remember way back when I was sailing to Attika from somewhere and I said “Hey Barnabas, if you say ‘don’t go near there! There are pirates and shit’ then I’m certainly going to go there?”

THERE was Keos! Who knew?

So that’ll be easy.

But yesterday, what, I did a timed quest where I took bad writing to a guy and got XP, took a pair of sandals for a beggar and got XP, forged a name and got a witness so Allie could make a dude a citizen, and broke into a playwright’s home to find out he was in the Cult and he STILL isn’t the guy I’ve been trying to unmask for days.

Oh, and I spent a good amount of time wishing I could kill Socrates just to shut him up.

Still not sure what’s up with that citizen thing.

But Keos! Nice place. Lots of question marks. You’re gonna love it.

Feminina:

Nice! Way to go Barnabas telling us stuff we’ll need to know someday. I’ll get there.

But I did not get there last night. Last night I just tidied up the last question marks in Athens, forged a signature for Alkibiades because it was on my way (but didn’t find a witness because it wasn’t on my way), and headed out towards the Scarred Mountains of whatever, looking for a quarry where that Heremos dude may be held. Got distracted by a lion’s den, as one does. Killed an Alpha Animal. Got some soft leather. Upgraded the ram on my ship (without actually going near it–I must have just sent the money and instructions to Barnabas).

Totally going to press onward.

Butch:

Dude I did that signature last night! The witness quest pops just as soon as you tell him you did it. You get the chords of completion, and boom. Another exclamation point appears over Allie’s head. You’re standing right there.

You thought it was still a check mark, didn’t you?

Ah, the quarry. I remember it well.

Stupid quarry.

And Barnabas totally didn’t! He was all “Don’t go there! Pirates!” and I was like “Don’t? By don’t you must mean jump off the boat and swim there! On it!”

Gotta say, I’m totally not into animal dens. Those fuckers are tough. And I kinda like the animals. They’re wildlife, man. And the sometimes help with the whole Kevin problem.

Feminina:

I do love when animals can help out with my pursuing-soldier issues. That’s the best. But on the other hand, I need a lot of soft leather for my boat upgrades. Also, if there’s a location objective about killing an Alpha Animal, that Alpha Animal must die. I have to obey the objectives. It’s a compulsion. Would I kindly? Yes I would.

I didn’t actually have Allie’s quest activated when I forged the signature, I just happened across a quest-diamond in the agora while I was going somewhere else. I didn’t really stick around to look for the next phase. Figured I’ll come back here anyway at some point to report to Kleon, so I’ll look for it then.

Butch:

Poor animals, doomed by arbitrary location objectives.

You’re going to have to report back to Allie at some point. First off, good dialog, second off, leads to other quests that you kinda sorta have to do, cuz they reveal the identity of a cultist, and those guys really do have to die.

Feminina:

Oh, I concur. Those cultists must die.

I need to upgrade my spear, after all.

And protect my mother! That too.

Butch:

And, most likely, finish the game. I don’t think those dudes are optional.

The mercenaries get a pass.

Feminina:

Yeah, it’s the mercenaries’ call as to whether they want to attack me (and therefore die). Totally on them.

The cultists–as you say, not optional. They cannot escape their fate! Nor can I escape mine, which is to kill them all.

I mean, I guess I could stop playing, but THAT’s not going to happen.

Butch:

Not so deep into the game.

So I better find that dude in Attika…..soon…..

Feminina:

Maybe it really is tied in with Kleon’s quest. I’ll let you know if I learn anything about a cultist while pursuing this messenger.

I mean, he is a messenger, he carries messages. Maybe they’re about the cult. Maybe Kleon is a member!

Butch:

Yeah, we’re gonna have to compare notes on this shit. I was so bummed last night when I found something and Kassandra is all “He’s a member of the CULT!” and I thought “Phew! Finally. Found him,” and went to check and it was some other dude entirely. As disappointing as the time I figured out where a clue was, spent FOREVER trying to get it, finally DID get it, and the dude was, like, five levels above me.

Sigh.

At least I know a cultist is dead on Keos. Cuz I found him by accident. Heh.

Feminina:

Wait, you didn’t have any clues or anything, just found him? Sweet!

Assuming that’s where he hangs out, I look forward to killing him myself when I get to Keos.

As someday I surely will. But first, this Heremos guy must be found. In case he has clues about that cultist on Keos I haven’t killed yet.

Butch:

Wait…ANOTHER cultist on Keos?

I dunno, man. I was in Keos checking shit out, as one does, and I went into a place and a dude attacked me, so I killed him, and it said “Cultist clue found!” and a cultist popped up, like, ten feet away. So I killed him. I can only guess that the first guy’s last words were “Dude….HE’S the cultist….my name’s Kevin…..blugle….” So, you know, that’s a clue….

Feminina:

Naw, I was just joking that your clue would lead me to the guy you found by mistake. I’m sure there aren’t two cultists on one small island. That would be way too convenient for assassination purposes.

Butch:

Ya never know. The game has to throw you a bone sometimes.

Feminina:

I suppose it might, at some point.

I mean, all those animals attacking people I’m trying to kill is nice.

Or other people attacking animals I’m trying to kill! That’s good too. Last night some passing soldiers killed one of the lions I was fighting. Didn’t even take the soft leather. Thanks, guys!

Butch:

In other news, Nugget and Meatball are spending the weekend in NYC with my parents. My father has taken them to his favorite whiskey bar.

So I saw that one of the cultists who is masked had a quarry and a slave business in Attika. “I’m in Attika,” thought I, “and hey, looky, a quarry!” So I cleared out the quarry. The WHOLE THING. It took a while. And what did I find? No cultist clue. Nope.

So I trucked up to explore more of Attika, looking for a slave market. Didn’t find it, but did find Heitor, who wanted a) his sword back and b) me to rescue his friend (who I thought/hoped was in a slave market, but no). Did all that. But that, too, took a while, so that’s all I did. Still didn’t find the cultist clue.

How on EARTH are you so far ahead if you’re clearing out everything? Clearing out things takes TIME, man!

Anyway, you do the Heitor stuff? I have thoughts.

Feminina:

Attika? Dude, I’m running around cleaning up Athens proper, I’ve had no time for Attika yet!

I was just about to leave the city walls and go kill those Spartan leaders Kleon wants us to kill, and that will take me out into Attika, but at the moment everything I’ve done in that territory has been in the city.

As a result, I have never met Heitor and don’t know anything about him. Sorry.

Clearing out things does take time, it’s true. I’ve gotten to the point that wherever possible I do the bare minimum of the location requirements. Like, if it says I have to kill 1 captain and loot 2 treasures, I try to loot the treasures without alerting anyone, kill the captain, and then run off. Sticking around to kill everyone else just eats into my day, man!

Of course, often this type of elegant, targeted strike is not possible and I have to kill a dozen other people too. I keep yelling at them “I just want to kill your captain, leave me alone and I’ll be on my way!” but somehow they don’t seem to be moved. Loyalty. Fah.

Butch:

So you went and did all these territories you weren’t supposed to do and ignored the place you were supposed to be?

Of course you did. You’re you.

Feminina:

The place I was supposed to be? You mean…Athens? The place I am no longer ignoring?

Old news, man. Me going to a bunch of places that aren’t Athens is so two days ago.

Butch:

Attika is that bit all around Athens…that’s right there….nowhere near korinth….

Right there. With quests.

You blew by shit that was right there to go do shit that wasn’t right there.

That’s so you.

Feminina:

Old. News.

Anyway, I blew by it because I specifically had to LEAVE Attika to take that dude to the fishing village on that random island, which I did because it was Perikles’ mission and I was trying to stay on task for once. But then once I wasn’t in Athens anymore, it was as easy to go back to Korinth as anywhere, especially when I had ainigmata ostraka clues to hunt there.

Butch:

Ah I see. You’re gonna blame Perikles. Sure sure.

Feminina:

Gotta blame someone. And to be fair, he IS the one who sent me on a quest that took me out of Athens and Attika before I had a chance to check out all the question marks. If I hadn’t been following his quest and ended up somewhere else, I would certainly have magpied all over Athens, because that’s how I do.

It’s not like I land in a place full of question marks and think “yawn…gonna go check out some other place full of question marks.” Surely you must agree that that is not how the magpie works.

No, if I hadn’t been trying to finish Perikles’ quest, I would have stuck around Attika chasing random question marks for a week. My real mistake was trying to actually follow up on a quest INSTEAD of magpieing. If I’d ignored that quest and stayed in Athens, I would have cleared the question marks from the entire region by now.

Perikles’ fault.

Butch:

True. The magpie may be irrational, but it is very methodical.

In other news, my laptop is totally fucked up.

Feminina:

Good thing you play games on the PS4!

I mean, it’s still rough on the blog if you don’t have access to a keyboard, but at least you can still play.

Butch:

Except if I have to get a new one I’ll be tempted to get one….you know….so fancy…so pretty….

Feminina:

No! Get a slow, ugly one. Fight it!

Remember how little time there is in the world. Think about how badly you need booze money.

Slow, ugly computers are fine for boring work stuff. Which is all you need to do on a computer.

Butch:

Right. Right. But I’ve never bought a pc for myself that wasn’t for…you know. This one I bought for Mrs mcp! I look at the specs and just blip over the slow ugly ones! I can’t help it!

But this one is finally updating. Maybe it isn’t dead.

New ones are so fancy….

Feminina:

Fancy ones are the devil! Look away!

Maybe this one is OK. Fingers crossed you can breathe a little more life into it.

Butch:

I think….there’s hope…..maybe.

Feminina:

Yay! Hang in there, good ol’ Slow and Ugly! Don’t make Butch have to replace you.

Played some! Not much, though. Loaded after Supideo and there was an “impact quest” right there! “Bloggage!” thought I. So I went to the guy. He was all “Used to sail with Barabas, but I got stabbed by a pirate. Now I can’t even buy wood to sail with my son….” “Kassandra was all ‘I didn’t know I replaced anyone….'” So he asked for some money, and I’m all “Yeah, dude, despite the fact I’m always trying to get paid, I ALWAYS have too much money” and he took it, said thanks, quest over.

That was that. I’m sorry if I spoiled, but not really anything to spoil. Go figure. So much for bloggage.

Then sailed more in the general direction of main quest, found an underwater “Loot but watch for sharks!” place with a quest item for a quest I don’t have yet, which will lead to one of those “Please….help us…there is a sacred item that must be found, and none have laid eyes on it for centuries it is a-” “What, this?” “……uh…..yeah….thanks…..” deals.

Then found a new city called Eubella or some shit, did a quest there, called it a day.

You’ll love it. LOTS of question marks.

You?

Feminina:

I went back to Kephallonia, because I wanted to see what was going on there, and it’s not pretty. Bodies in the street, people staggering around in rags. I probably should have let those priests kill that family.

But it meant there was very little to interfere with me picking off a couple of ainigmata ostraka treasure hunts and looting the couple of treasures I didn’t get around to last time I was there!

Then I tried to go back to somewhere more centrally located from which I could easily call my ship, because sailing to…uh…Andros, that’s it, sailing to Andros from Kephallonia looked like a hassle. So I went back to Megaris, and got distracted by a few question marks I hadn’t done, got distracted by a ‘Conquest Battle!’ notice when I weakened the nation, tried repeatedly to finish the conquest battle without success (I was trying to fight for Athens, which is labeled ‘hard’ but gets more loot), and finally wandered off. Chased question marks around the mountains a bit, ended up in Korinthia, as one does. Then noticed that the conquest battle was no longer available because the nation refortified, sigh. I’m not sure these conquest battles are actually critical to the game, other than providing epic gear, so I may just ignore them in future.

What’s it to me whether Athens or Sparta has control here?

Anyway, I’m TRYING to find a dock to get on my boat so I can sail to Andros. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

You should go back and see how your Kephallonia is doing.

Butch:

Whoa! Dude! I guess shit DOES matter! Maybe that dude I gave money to will come back to haunt me!

I’ve cheerfully ignored all the conquest battles. My loot is just fine, thank you, and the battle I had to do is, so far, the single most annoying part of the game. Indeed, during that one I had to do, I spent a lot of time thinking “You know? I really don’t want to have to do these….”

And if they are avoidable, then this is what Mafia 3 should have been! You CAN go burn the stag films and fight for Sparta, and, if you do, there’s some reward (loot, XP, I assume), but you can just cheerfully ignore it is you AND YOUR BLOGMATE WHO LIKES NARRATIVE HINT HINT want to follow the narrative so THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT.

What a great feature. So glad the game is designed like that.

Wait, what do you mean “Call your boat?” You can call your boat? I know you can fast travel to your boat whenever you want, but you can call it?

I should go back to Kephallonia! What with all these fast travel points I’ve opened up…..

Feminina:

Wait, you can fast travel to your boat? I completely forgot that.

So…uh…well…but yes, sometimes by the water there will be these points where there’s a sort of glowing column of air, as if you might get whisked off to the heavens by stepping in it or something, but actually if you step in it gives you the option to “summon the Adrestia.” I’ve been looking for one of those points. Because I assumed that if we had these points, they (or the ‘dock points’ where you can formally tie up) must be the only way to get on the boat.

Sigh.

Although…I can save the situation by arguing that I intentionally haven’t fast traveled to my boat because it’s gods know where in the open sea between Kephallonia and wherever I am now, and the whole reason I fast-traveled back is because I didn’t want to do a lot of open-ocean sailing and pirate-fighting at that moment. So, I’m trying to find a place CLOSER to Andros, to which I can summon my boat, and from which I can then sail in my boat a shorter, less annoying, possibly less pirate-heavy distance.

So it’s all been ON PURPOSE. Not at all because I forgot about fast traveling to the ship. Certainly not.

I’m glad we straightened that out.

Butch:

Yes….glad we straightened out that yes, you can leave the boat anywhere, like, the open sea, fast travel to a viewpoint you’ve been to, do whatever, and then fast travel back to the boat which will be right where you left it.

This is probably why I never knew you could summon the boat…because…you know….you never have to.

And I could see your point about wanting to avoid pirates on the way to Andros, except, see, there aren’t any pirates, but there are a couple of towns (well, at least one), that you sail right by on the way and have level appropriate and themey quests…so….

Um…..

Yeah.

Go back to your boat, please.

Feminina:

Oh, I’m not worried about pirates on the way to Andros from any normal location. I’m worried about pirates on the way to Andros from Kephallonia, which is way the hell far from…anything. Which is why I didn’t just hop on the ship and head out once I’d checked on the plague victims.

Also, question marks in Megaris. And Korinthia. And those treasure hunts! And…

But no, I need to move on, because I have all these assassin skills I can’t improve until I “progress further in the story.” I’m on it.

Butch:

Oh you took your BOAT back? Why do that? I never take the boat anywhere except new places. If I want to go back, I fast travel back, leave the boat at the edge of the undiscovered parts of the map, you know, the ONES ON THE WAY TO THE STORY, and voila. Minimizes sailing, never gets lost.

Boom.

Live and learn.

I’m stunned you left some question marks alone the first time you were in these places.

Feminina:

No, I didn’t take the ship back, I fast-traveled, but while I was there near the old familiar harbor, I was contemplating getting on the ship in order to sail to Andros, and realized Kephallonia was too far to sail, so I fast-traveled back to Megaris instead and was distracted by question marks.

So in fact, I haven’t been on the ship in weeks and have no idea where it is. But while I was in Megaris I met a woman who was talking about making a statue of me! I recruited her, saying I could use someone of her talents on my ship. I’m not clear exactly why I need a sculptor on board, but whatever.

Maybe she does figureheads. Ooh, a figurehead of me! Man, I hope she does that. I will brave whatever pirates are in the way to get the rare and precious woods and pigments she needs to make that figurehead truly awe-inspiring.

Butch:

I met no such woman! In Megaris? Damn. You’re going to have a boat with a personalized ram and I’m not. DAMN!

Well, at least you know your boat is kinda on the way to good quests and bloggage and the main story.

Though you likely won’t get one. If you recruited her, she’s likely already on the boat wondering where you are. When you get there all “Hey, sorry, couldn’t find the boat,” she’ll be all “Dude, I found the boat right away and I’ve never even been on it. Make your own statue, dweeb.”

Feminina:

Nah, Barnabas will bring her around.

“No, this lady’s great! She’s technically the captain but she’s hardly ever around so we can pretty much do whatever we want. And she’s super into ship upgrades because of some paranoid idea that the crew’s lives will eventually depend on having the best of everything when the Reapers come, whatever they are, so anything you want in the way of booze, just order it along with a shipment of improved javelins or something and you’re golden, she’ll just pay for it without even blinking. You’re gonna love it. Might as well make that figurehead gold-plated while you’re at it, that way if we ever shipwreck in a strange land we’ll have something to peel off and buy things with.”

Butch:

“For real, Barabas?”

“Yeah, dude. Only downside is she stops the ship about every twelve feet so she can dive in the water and swim away to….well, now that I think about it, I’m not sure. Slows us way down. Relaxing on the oarsmen, but kinda frustrating when we really have to get to port and empty out the chamber pots. Plus this weird assed eagle is always following us around. Creeps me out, frankly. “

Feminina:

“Honestly, I suspect she’s either insane or an agent for some mysterious organization…but her money’s good, so I don’t ask too many questions. Although if you want wild speculation, chat with Herodotus, that dude has some IDEAS.”

Butch:

“Herodotus, eh? Hey, Herodotus, what’s the news around here?”

“We are seeking an elemental forge, left by the old ones who lifted humanity up to our present intelligent state, all the while fighting an evil, underground cult that may well be aliens.”

“Uh….yeah. You do that. I’m just gonna jump overboard, swim to shore, and just keep on making huge naked Zeuses. Y’all’s nuts.”

Feminina:

“Those naked Zeus statues aren’t going to sculpt themselves, you know. Someone’s got to work on the important projects.”

Ooh, I did see another naked Zeus last night, actually. Probably one of hers! This one wan’t as huge as the one on Kephallonia, but it was all nice and shiny, done in copper or something. Fine handiwork by some hardworking artist.

In the middle of some location that had been taken over by bandits, whom I obviously had to murder. Show a little respect, people!

Not that I do. My Kassandra remains dubious at best about the gods. Although the tragic story of Supideo does make one wonder.

Butch:

Hey, my Kassandra never got that ending. She’s still skeptical as hell, and rightly so.

She’s just gazing at the naked statues cuz she’s an art lover.

Heh.

Feminina:

My Kassandra is thinking there could be something up with the Oracle. But maybe it’s Herodotus’ ancient people rather than the gods she’s learned about before, because she’s already looted quite a few sacred temples and such without anyone smiting her down.

She’s seen things, with that weird pyramid in the cultist’s secret gathering spot, but she’s not sure they’re divine, at least not according to her previous understanding of divinity.

Although given her previous understanding of divinity is a bunch of grumpy people with super powers taking an occasional and usually tragic interest in humanity, who knows?

Plus, there’s the spear–both she and Herodotus had a vision of the battle where Leonidas died, right? That’s…not normal. Could be divine. Hard to say.

But something’s up for sure. The Oracle, the vision of her past in the cult meeting, the spear…she’s willing to buy that something’s up.

Is it the divine pantheon with which she’s familiar? Unknown. Probably doubtful. But on the evidence, I think she can’t rule it out.

Ooh, and speaking of nothing really, except that I was back on Kephallonia, I also went back to the historic pig farm! An ainigmata ostraka led me there to find some treasure!

So that’s what that was all about, apparently.

Butch:

Magic, historic pig farm. I never did finish that one. Is it worth it?

There is a lot of weird, but MAN she is totally chill with a lot of weird shit. I kinda hope they resolve that, because her level of “Yeah, whatever” is getting silly. Maybe there’s a reason that she’s so chill! After all, the hipsters (who have been conveniently forgotten since character creation) chose her for some reason or other. Right?

Feminina:

Well, it’s just some loot. We’ve got loot a-plenty. There’s not really a story there.

She is extremely chill. That is true. I cannot explain it.

Although seeing Alexios as the cult’s weapon did seem to shake her. So she can handle any supernatural nonsense the world cares to throw at her, but family and emotions, those are the hard things. Typical adventurer.

Dude….I forgot how mighty your magpie is. Like, damn, Femmy. You ever actually meet Kassandra she’ll be all “This is Ikaros, for I am the eagle bearer!” and you’ll be all “Yeah? Check out MY bird!” and she’ll run for the hills.

I say this because here’s what I did last night:

I went and talked to Herede oh fuck I can’t spell all this Greek shit. That guy. Herodetus. Whatever.

Shit. Happened.

We wanted shit to get weird? Shit got weird.

But anyway, after some plot, he’s all “And now we must sail for [place].” [Place] isn’t a spoiler, I just forget where. I DO remember it was 6400 units of distance away. That’s far! There’s a lot between Thermopolye (FUCK GREEK SPELLING) and there. But I got in my ship and started sailing. I figured, if I saw some stuff on shore, especially viewpoints, get off, sync them so I can come back yadda yadda. After a damn WHILE I find this place….this salty place….

“No way….” thought I.

Found a little town. Found a viewpoint. Found….a SALTY BEAR CAVE! Said “NO WAY!” and saved. It was late.

But Femmy….Femmy….How in the seven Holy Roman Hells did you get THERE???????

(You’d’ve found it if you followed the story, you know. There’s even a side quest!)

Feminina:

The magpie is strong in me, it’s true. I got there overland, just by chasing question marks. Climbing up and down giant cliffs. As one does. I specifically went to the Salty location because I wanted to sync that viewpoint so I’d have a way to get back there later to check out all the question marks I didn’t get that time around.

Viewpoints are far between! I wanted the fast travel!

I went to talk to Herodotus also, but saved and went to bed right before speaking to him. So I’ll get there next. I was going to get to him sooner, but there was that semi-retired old friend of Kassandra’s who needed his sapphires back, and I’d already cleared out that fort, so I headed back to help him out.

Turned out the fort was fully restocked with soldiers and war supplies and loot and everything, but it wasn’t an ‘objective’ to do anything about it, so I just left them alone. Crept in, got the loot, ran out again.

And that’s why it can be useful to have been to a place before a quest sends you there. Anyway, I’ll totally talk to Herodotus soon. Definitely.

Haven’t met any nice doctors, though. But if you go down to the village by the salt mines, there’s the quest with the blacksmith I mentioned.

Butch:

You are truly Femmy the Magpie bearer. I am so proud to be your friend.

Viewpoints are pretty worth it.

I remember that retired guy! Liked him. Did the same “get in, get out” deal to get the jewels.

I always feel bad when I do that cuz there’s always like, one Kevin that gets killed. Poor guy. I’m sure he’s always all “You couldn’t have just avoided me, too?”

So how’d you get to Herodotus (which I can now spell cuz you did and kinda fuck you you show off)? Cuz I found this cave that appeared to go through the mountain there, and Kassandra was all “I feel like a traitor, too, using this,” so it had dialog, which means I was supposed to be there. I died quickly. Often. Often died quickly. Quickly died often. Got to the point where I said “Man, fuck this. I’m just going to take forever to climb over this shit,” so I did. So I never went through the cave. Did you? Did I miss something?

Dude, he’s right there, right? Talk to him! There’s plot. And you get to sail towards so very many more question marks!

Ah, the blacksmith: that’s what that quest is. I was going to do that next.

The doctor is now rather far away from you. He’s back near that shore village, to the west of you. You can get to him if you fast travel back towards the main city there, Valley of Apollo. Kinda worth it. Themey quest. Should be on your map.

Feminina:

I know how to spell Herodotus because in my head I always secretly pronounce it ‘hero-dote-us’ the same as I did when I first encountered the name at 15 or whatever.

Well, it was a secret until now, anyway. Keep it to yourself and the entire internet, all right?

Although actually the GAME spells it Herodotos, which is maybe a closer transliteration of the ancient Greek, or maybe they just wanted to mess with us. But Herodotus is more traditional, so I’m going with that because I don’t need to retrain myself with a different spelling and then misspell it in every other context for the rest of my life.

Anything else in this game that I spell correctly is solely because I type my best guess into Google and wait for it to auto-suggest the right word. Thanks, Google! Saving me from my inability to remember how to spell anything.

Including Odyssey, although I’ve typed that enough times now that I actually do remember it.

Anyway, I encountered good old Hero-dote-us by returning to Delphi where we first met. He was just standing around there. I don’t know anything about a spooky cave where I could have quickly died often–I must have bypassed that entirely. Too busy looking at different question marks, I guess.

Do the salt village quest, it’s kind of interesting. Odd, but interesting. I’ll try to get back to the doctor, but first I’ve got to talk to Herodotus at the monument to the fallen Leonidas at Thermopylae. Where I’ve already been when I murdered some bandits there earlier, so I’m sure it’ll be great.

Butch:

Oh ok. We’re one hero dote us talk off. The cave deal is to get to Thermopylae.

Spoiler: between where you are and hero dote us, there is a big fucking cave with a whole mess of Kevin.

Actually, if you take the long way, you’re pretty close to the doctor! Look west.

Feminina:

Oh, I misunderstood: I was actually, literally standing in front of Herodotus when I saved and went to bed. RDR2 got me all paranoid about talking to people when I didn’t have time to do their quests.

So I have already taken probably the same long(-ish) way you did to get to him, which in my case was climbing right over an entire mountain and down a series of cliffs.

I must have missed the cave full of Kevin. I’ll go back someday. Maybe there will be a quest about it.

Butch:

Oh so you’re at Thermopylae?

Feminina:

Yes indeed! Just leaped off a cliff into a pool and wandered over towards Herodotus, muttering to myself “it’s said that whoever walks this ground still gets blood on their feet” or some thoughtful reference to the horrific battle that took place there back during the prologue.

Then stopped. Because I didn’t want to talk to him and get sucked directly into a mission that would have me riding a horse across the entire map for 30 minutes and getting into a bar fight with no save points while trying to haul a bounty to the sherrif.

Even though this game is MUCH friendlier with its saves. I like how you can even murder some people, run outside the ‘active area’ to hide and save, and then run back into battle. Good times.

No quest. But a pretty lengthy cutscene. Might want to turn on the subtitles before you chat with him.

Feminina:

Noted. It was getting late, so a long cutscene is also a good reason to have quit first. I’ll go back to it when I’m refreshed and ready to tackle the story. It’s gonna be great.

Butch:

When you watch the cutscene, pay special attention to why Herodotus wants Kassandra to find the….thing they want to find…and, more importantly, why Kassandra agreed, cuz I missed it and I want to ask you.

Feminina:

OK, I will attempt to take note of the reasons for…the finding of the thing.

As for games, we probably don’t have a whole lot to talk about unless you did the next bit. Did you do the next bit?

Feminina:

It was good. I’m totally refreshed and rejuvenated!

Ha, just kidding, I’m still half asleep even after going to bed early last night. But it was good to see people, hang out, etc.

I even played for a few minutes last night, but didn’t manage anything more complicated than some bandits. Sorry.

Oh, and I needed to retrieve somebody’s sword and a blacksmith had it and didn’t want to just hand it over to any wandering mercenary who happened by (fair), so I had the option to flirt and offer to “make it worth your while.” I really wonder if Alexios had that same dialogue option. I sure hope so.

Yesterday, I decided I HAD to play. Younger kids were occupied, Junior was doing his homework, I thought “Now. I can sneak in some stuff now.”

So I tried. Two minutes later, Junior miraculously “finished his homework” and came out to watch. Had to pause and ask to see his completed homework which, surprise surprise, he refused to show me as it was not done. A fight ensued, and he went back to work. Unpaused. Two minutes later, Junior asks for help. Pause. Turns out he’s WAY behind on an essay due today. Help is given. As I am helping, my friend shows up. He is not into games. This disrupts the younger kids. I calm everyone, finish a boat fight, sigh dejectedly, and call it a day.

I told Mrs. McP I’m playing today when they’re at Nana’s cuz fuck it.

So help me out here, cuz this got interrupted a bunch: Kassandra’s brother was sacrificed, Kassandra got angry and killed the priest guy but failed entirely to save the brother (seriously, Kassandra, pushing them BOTH over was kinda counterproductive). This led her OWN FATHER to chuck her over the cliff and she somehow survived (did her brother? MAYBE!). Then we find that the very person she is hunting now is the very father who chucked her over the side there, who she probably has some issues about, and is probably an alien (ok, I added that last bit, but with AC, who knows?). That about it?

Oh, and, based on all that, we know that Kassandra must also be a Spartan, right? That’s new.

I also found naval combat rather frustrating, as it’s just as hard to find the range as it was in AC4, and there are no mortars, which saved my ass in AC4 countless times. But, I must ask, is it that frustrating or was it just because I had, like, five people around me distracting me?

I miss games.

Feminina:

Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Annoying to be distracted in the middle of all that backstory, but you caught it all.

And yeah, that heroic attempt to save her brother did not seem to actually help him at all, but here’s my theory: the priest cushioned his fall, and he survived, whereas otherwise he would have died. As you said, she survived the fall so he could have too, but since he’s a baby, it would have been easier for him if someone else landed underneath him to break the fall, and then maybe he could cling to their corpse with his tiny hands until he drifted ashore or was found by sailors or something. And I expect he did, because our tech person back near the beginning said she found two sets of DNA on the spear, and it’s possible Alexios liked to chew on it as a baby and that made a lasting impression, but it’s also possible (even likely!) that he shows up later to hold it as a grown-up and bleed on it or something.

Or maybe she has to fight him because the fates have placed them on opposing sides of whatever turns out to be the great conflict of the game, and she stabs him with the spear, or he takes it away and stabs her with it, or both, and that’s how his blood and DNA gets on it. Anyway, I’m sure it will be very exciting, and we’re gonna love it.

And it does appear that she’s a Spartan, although not a very good one or she would have stood expressionlessly by and watched her brother be thrown over the cliff, instead of whining and making a big fuss about what is obviously the will of the gods.

It was probably the bad influence of her mother, another pathetic weakling who was sitting there wailing about her precious infant instead of gladly serving the will of the gods. Which, since it presents the only female people in the scene as the ones objecting, does make me a little curious how it would have read to us if we were playing as a boy trying to save his sister’s life. I mean, I think it’s basically the same thing, it’s fairly natural for a kid not to want his or her baby sibling thrown off a cliff (well, maybe a little, if the baby just got drool on his or her favorite spear, but not REALLY), so it would be fine–it would just be a kind of interesting break in the otherwise rather uniform male acceptance of this particular religious rite. Hm.

Having this in the background also provides some context for why she might have fought the priests who were imposing that Quarantine With Extreme Prejudice on the burned village. She could be rather skeptical of priests in general at this point. (Or she could overcome her doubts, see the wisdom of their argument and let them prevent the spread of plague, as you did.)

Butch:

OK, we’ll go with all that. I forgot about the DNA on the spear! That is suggestive, isn’t it? Or it’s just a gameplay device. Or aliens.

OK, got to Megaris, after much pausing to loot a shipwreck and recruit an archer and get distracted by a fort and sail around going “JESUS THREE SHIPS JESUS I HATE THIS.”

So NOW let me get this straight…..

In order to kill her father, she has to HELP her father by helping her not brother/kinda brother kill the very people that her father is trying to kill so she can kill her father for hairy chest man.

That about it?

I mean, shit. I’m confused as hell and I haven’t even gotten to the aliens.

And now I’m here and there are question marks and quests and DAMN man.

Feminina:

Ha! Dude, can’t help you, you just passed me in the main story as I’ve been delayed in Boeothia looting treasure from 34th level foes and haven’t even made it to Megaris.

But I’m going to say yeah, that sounds about right.

Butch:

I’ve passed….

Dude.

Once you leave the hinterlands, you pick up the archer (you done that?), sink boats (Please say you’ve done that), and sail a LITTLE BIT and it vortexes you into this long cutscene. You don’t even have to get off the damn boat!

I can hear it now:

Game: Ok, I’ve made it very easy for you to follow the story here….Femmy: Whoo hoo!Game: Where are you going?Femmy: Question Marks!Game: Yes, but those are in a level 34 zone…clearly marked….Femmy: Who cares!Game: You’ll just get killed….Femmy: LOOT!Game: Yes, that you can’t use….Femmy: GREAT loot!Game: Butch, I thought you said she played games for the narrative.Butch: I don’t get it either, game.Femmy: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Femmy….return to the narrative please. I promise, there’s more than enough magpie fuel once you get there. PLENTY of magpie fuel.

Seriously.

Feminina:

I have picked up the archer and sunk a few boats, and then–right then–instead of proceeding ahead to the next quest point where I should obviously go, I veered left, landed on a shore where even the freaking wild boars killed me with a single hit (and those boars are ANGRY for some reason! they came after me as if they suspected me of helping to locate great-granddad’s pig spear), and the rest is history. A history composed of chasing question marks.

Pretty much exactly as in your re-enactment. Wheeeeee!!!!

You’re even right about the loot: it’s good stuff!–that I can’t wear for another 26 levels.

Sorry, man. The magpie is strong in me. I’ll tear myself away next time I play.

Speaking of loot, I do like that you can upgrade things, so if you have something you like you can bring it along with you through the levels. I’d hate to have to trade my ‘rare’ gear for boring normal gear, just because it had become ridiculously underpowered for me.

Butch:

You had, like, maybe three nanoseconds to veer left before the quest triggered! I was 300 meters away when the screen went dark and I thought it crashed but no. Cutscene.

Only you.

I do like that rationale on the boars. Join PETA or DIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!

Do come back to the story. I promise, PROMISE, there will be more than enough question marks in Megaris to keep you busy. And, guess what? SIDE QUESTS!

You think the engravings do that much? I’ve tried them, but the new loot is always better. I do know the temptation not to get rid of “rare” for “common,” though.

Though someday we’ll get EPIC stuff! In Mergaris, I learned of another bounty hunter (level 30, so, you know, easy for you) and his reward is an EPIC staff!

It made me feel inadequate. Here I was, proud to have a sword that does 98 damage, and his staff?

1044.

This is why you are dying.

Main story, dude.

Feminina:

That’s me. Finding the 2-second window between “veer left for magpie” and “carry on for cutscene.”

I blame wild boars.

Although also I blame Barnabas, because I actually turned around and did some quest for him about a carpenter after the archer, and THEN I veered left. Did you go looking for a guy’s brother on a pirate island?

I tried one engraving, and I agree, it wasn’t that impressive, but I like the boost from normal equipment to ‘rare.’ Or maybe I just like that it comes with a cool, shiny background color. Style counts, you know.

There’s probably a lot of epic stuff in Boeothia, where I will find it when I come back here at 34th level.

Butch:

Yes. Come back. As in LEAVE NOW. And go to the main story. I guarantee you will get up to date, then promptly abandon it anyway for far easier question marks.

I did not do that for Barnabas. I should. I kinda like the guy. I mean, he’s no Adewale, but he’s cool.

Style does count, but not all that much, it seems. Most of my best gear is Athenian, so I was tricked out in it when I strolled up on the beach to make nice with the Spartan soldiers. They didn’t seem to mind.

Go figure.

Feminina:

Ah, Adewale. Good times. Great chanties.

Helpful, though perhaps unrealistic, that the Spartans don’t look askance at you for showing up in Athenian gear. Perhaps they could tell just by the way you wear it that you looted it all, and are no Athenian yourself.

“Mercenaries,” they probably think to themselves. “At least she’s been killing the right people lately.”

Butch:

They always seem to know she’s a mercenary somehow.

Feminina:

Yeah, it’s always “hey you, I’ve got a murder job for you!”

Never “excuse me, ma’am, could you possibly direct me to the giant statue of naked Zeus?”

Or “would you be interested in some delicious wild boar sandwiches? Made fresh today!”

No, always with the “find my missing family member who was stolen by people you’ll have to murder,” or “track down the murderous bandits who stole my stuff,” or “that dude over there looks like he could use a touch of murdering, don’t you think?”

Maybe be something about the way we wear our hair? Or the fact that we’re bristling with weapons at all times, I suppose.

Butch:

It’s the hair. Which is rather fetching. So much so I hit “hide helmet” just to see the physics. It is, after all, so hard to animate.

Ah, been way too long since I clicked on a dialog option with a heart on it.

So what did I do? Found the shroud? Shawl? Hood? Whatever. Rescued Oddessa. Flirted with her. Didn’t even really dig her, but hey, when you can flirt, flirt. Came back, told hairy chest that I had no boat. He was all “Get one then,” so I went to get one, was told “Kill the cyclops,” so I did, but it took a very long time because charging in and fighting everyone, it seems, is a bad idea. Heh. Tried again, all stealthy. Finally killed him, called it a day.

The cinematic arrow trick is badass.

Gotta love a woman who can flirt with another woman she just let out of a cage, and then, twenty minutes later, shove an extremely valuable obsidian fake eye up a goat’s butt.

My kind of woman, that.

I’m not sure I have themes yet, but gotta say this about this game: It’s gonna make Monday much easier.

Feminina:

I kind of dig the shawl/cowl/hood/whatever, though! I feel all assassin-like when I have it on. It’s a good look.

And yeah, you gotta respect Kassandra’s ability to go from sneaking to flirting to molesting goats to murdering people in bushes at the blink of an eye. A woman of many talents.

Did you get around to fighting the bounty hunter? He was really pretty tough, and immune to quick assassination, but I got him in the end with a lot of sneak attacks followed by sprinting away.

Other than the bounty hunter (who I’m not sure you even HAVE to kill, although let’s be honest, you will), you’re basically done with the Hinterlands now! You’re going to have a ship, and you’re going to set sail, and adventure awaits!

Probably. I’ve barely gotten beyond that point myself.

Butch:

It is a good look, and kudos to the game for doing what every game should do ever forever and ever: making the thing invisible in dialog scenes. I am a large fan of invisible helmets. I think my Shepard intentionally went helmetless just because I was tired of looking at a helmet in every damn dialog. See also all my NPCs in Fallout. I was nervous when I put it on, and that first dialog made me feel so much better.

Kassandra is a pretty cool hero, gotta say. And really, a different kind of female hero. Usually, female heroes fall into two groups: Sexy (Chloe, for example, or the time playing as Ciri) or, at least in the beginning, young, naive, barely more than kids (Aloy, as cool as she was). Kassandra is pretty, sure, but hardly a seductress (That we’ve seen. Remember, Chloe was banging Drake in her second scene in UC2), and she’s world weary when we meet her. She’s really the female equivalent of the gruff, growly, grumpy gun toting man hero. I’ve never seen such a thing. It’s cool.

I did fight the bounty hunter! And yes, it was a lot of sneak then sprint. Well, that mixed in with missing with the cinematic arrow and me saying “GAH! How the fuck does this work????”

It is pretty cool when it works.

And I really wanted it to work, cuz did you see when you went to bounty hunter screen that they have weaknesses? Dude had something that made him vulnerable to arrows. And he had a heart condition. Seriously.

Hooray! Enough hinterlands! I do like my captain. But two questions:

Did you have to do the cyclops bit? Cuz talking to hairy chest (I really have to learn his name), there were two options: I have a boat/I don’t have a boat. I picked don’t, cuz I didn’t, but as I did I noticed there was a little scales icon next to “I have a boat.” I didn’t know what it meant. Could you like, buy one from him? Or something? What did that mean? Could you short circuit the cyclops?

And (ok, more than two questions): I’m kinda surprised that “Go tell Markos that the Cyclops is dead” doesn’t seem to be a thing I have to do. Should I? Kinda seems like he’d want to know. Did you?

But you flirted, right? Of course you did.

Feminina:

Of course I did. The world hasn’t gone THAT far off its normal axis.

I wasn’t sure about the scales either, but I checked the internet, and apparently that icon means that the dialogue option is a lie. So we could have said we had a boat, but it wouldn’t have been true, and wouldn’t have automatically prompted an option to buy one from him. I’m not sure what difference that would have made, maybe Elpenor (the hairy guy) would have admired our cheek, or maybe he would have been annoyed, but anyway, I didn’t try it.

I guess the scales are supposed to make us think of Justice, and therefore of truth? But I, like you, initially read it as some sort of trading/buying symbol instead. Oh well. Now we know. Thanks internet! You’re a pal.

Butch:

Figured. Did you reload cuz you thought you were giving her good advice and she was all “Pfft. Shouldn’t have asked a mercenary for advice. Get away from me” to make sure you gave her advice that made her want to see you again? Cuz…uh….just saying. Heh.

And I just called her beautiful. No need to rush. I mean, I’m young, I’m single, I’m in the islands….

That means “lie,” huh? I would not have guessed that. I wonder why they feel the need to tell the player that. I knew I didn’t have a damn boat. She’s said “I wish I had a boat” about 92 times. Trading made more sense. Go figure.

So should we tell Markos? What’s with Markos? I kinda forgot about Markos.

Feminina:

Reload? No way, man. I gave her what I thought was good advice: she’s not into it? No problem, she has every right to her own opinion. I’ve said my piece. We’ll meet again, or not, as the fates decree.

Yeah, I didn’t think “lie” when I saw that symbol at all. Nor, apparently, did many other people on the internet who asked about it. Just an interesting iconographic decision, I guess. I’m sure it was covered somewhere in the load screen advice I wasn’t reading.

I think you don’t have to seek out Morkos, but he shows up to say goodbye when you’re leaving and I assumed all the important news was conveyed at that point. Or before. I mean, the island is only about 30 feet across, and I’m sure someone would have thought the news of Cyclops’ death was worth spreading.

Butch:

Noble of you. I, however, gotta keep my options open. I didn’t wait this long for a game with heart dialog to screw it up in the damn hinterlands.

I dunno, man. I’m reading those screen hints and I didn’t see anything about scales. Mostly because I like irrelevant historical facts! And remembering how to parry, which I always forget.

The island is rather small. I sorta didn’t buy Kassandra’s ignorance. “I have never been off this island…but I’ll swim to that one now in thirty seconds.” “I never knew this temple was here…despite it being half the damn island you can see clearly from the biggest village…”

Feminina:

Ha! Yeah, some of these long-lost features are fairly implausible. Especially considering how easily she can climb up sheer rock faces. I mean, MAYBE a long-lost temple could remain lost out of sight if it were at the top of an unscalable cliff or something, but nothing is out of Kassandra’s reach!

I dunno, maybe she was just always too busy chasing around on Morkos’ business to explore every square inch of the island before we got here. It takes the intervention of a player to suddenly make all the same-old humdrum nooks and crannies of your tiny boring island look interesting.

Butch:

Maybe it’s all just a simulation….ya never know.

We can’t forget this is, after all, an AC game.

Did you like the line where she’s all “I’m not an assassin” and there’s a pause and he’s all “First time for everything…..”

Foreshadowing! Or not.

Feminina:

Good point! Of course it IS just a simulation, through which our modern-day protagonist relives the memories of long-dead Kassandra. Maybe that simulation involves pulling together a series of different fragments of her memories and running them all together, like “oh, that time I discovered this place I DID say “I didn’t know this was here,” although it actually happened when I was 12, not when I was in the middle of this thing with Cyclops.”

Dude. That’s totally plausible. It’s science.

Butch:

That would make far more sense than anything in Black Flag. Which isn’t saying all that much.

I think the reaction to that Death Stranding trailer should’ve been “What’s the big deal? Makes perfect sense compared to AC.”

Feminina:

Dude, stop harshing on AC. It’s a perfectly straightforward, logical story about aliens visiting Earth to interfere in human history, being revered as deities for a while, plotting to destroy everything in the Mayan Apocalypse, being thwarted by people playing video games, and then apparently going away and never being heard from again.

Until now! Maybe!

I don’t know, I keep kind of hoping things get weird again.

Butch:

I’m not harshing on AC! I like weird! Look at the people I surround myself with!

It’ll get weird. I’m sure it’ll get weird. After all, there’s that shit on the load screen, right? That suggests at least a little weird.

Well, I got nothing past the whole gator/Bronte bit, but that’s a lot, so we can go with that.

That WAS a lot, wasn’t it? So much that I’ll do the two things I do when there’s too much for me to process:

First, I toss the ball into your court: What were your big takeaways?

Second, I ignore the massive amount of good to complain about something: I don’t think that Dutch’s flaming sword of racial justice stuff works. When he went off on Charles for calling Native Americans savages….like, ok, Dutch. I agree. Charles is wrong here. But…I dunno. I just don’t think it makes sense for him to be that angry about racism. We’ve talked about how yes, the gang is inclusive, but there’s nothing that shows that Dutch is motivated in his life to right the wrongs of society by creating a race blind utopia. He’s motivated in his life by selfishness and fear. I’m not sure what that was all about.

But ok, now that that’s off my chest, let’s talk about all the good stuff in these missions. Or, at least, the complexities.

Female:

That was a lot! Takeaways…as you say, there was a lot there about how Dutch is kind of losing touch with reality. He apparently perceives himself to be surrounded by traitors who don’t care about him, all evidence to the contrary. I wonder if maybe he’s projecting a bit: he himself is losing faith in his big ideals and his dream of freedom, and so he assumes that everyone else is too.

He’s also just sort of losing it, period. I mean, wasn’t this whole plan to seize Bronte for ransom, so they could get some of that sweet cash Dutch keeps talking about needing?

Seems like that one actually could have worked! They got Bronte! He surely still has access to a lot of money! But…kind of hard to ransom a guy you just fed to an alligator. So unlike his really-pretty-bad plan to just put on some bandannas and rob the station, THIS was an actually-OK plan that was even going well considering all that could have gone wrong with it, until he got angry with his prisoner and killed him in a fit of rage. Very poor decision from a business standpoint, Dutch. To say nothing of the moral implications of murdering a bound and helpless prisoner, which I believe is generally frowned upon in most lofty codes of ethics.

I figure that all these people aren’t hanging around with Dutch specifically because he’s insecure and can’t stick to a plan, so he must have been a lot better at leading and planning (and following his own damn plans) back in the day. Arthur is always talking about how “you said we’re not about revenge” or whatever. He was better once!

Or–which is kind of my theory, though not having actually seen him in those days, we can only speculate on this–he was just able to SEEM better when circumstances worked more in his favor. It was easier to assume the gang was loyal when things were going pretty well, so he might not have been prey to these constant fears of everyone turning on him, and when he wasn’t expressing those fears all the time he projected confidence, causing others to be more confident in him…it’s a nice feedback loop.

As you said, he cares a lot about his image, and maybe when it was easier to maintain a bold, dashing, leaderly image, he was able to stick to the role, even if he was never actually as good at it as everyone thought he was. When he looked the part, he could manage, and now that it’s harder and harder to look the part, his flaws are taking over. He held the whole thing together with the force of his personality, and now that things aren’t going well and personality isn’t quite enough…

I think its easier to believe he was mostly just good at playing a leader in better times, than that he was a genuinely good, strong, thoughtful person and a good leader, and somehow his entire character changed.

So, sadly, I’m leaning towards “Arthur has spent his entire adult life following a guy who didn’t really deserve it,” which is maybe supposed to be a bit tragic, although honestly, many (many, many) other people have done the same thing, so he probably shouldn’t feel too bad.

Butch:

Hmm. Could be he’s losing his own faith. He certainly has had questions about Tahiti that even he can’t answer.

But, well…was it really the plan? That’s what he said, sure. But Hosea didn’t buy it. I didn’t buy it. I thought this was a revenge thing all along. Maybe it started as a “We have to take him down a few pegs” and became a murder spree, but still. Dutch’s response to Hosea was things like “He owns the cops, we have to get rid of him before we do the bank” not “think of the extra money.”

Even lowly codes of ethics frown on this. John was stunned, and not very happy. “Feeding someone to an alligator? Which one of your philosophy books covers that?”

I agree about the feedback loop, and I think it fits with the overall metaphor. Things were never as good as we think they were, whether it’s something we’ve lived through our heard other people talk about second hand. I think that’s why the game doesn’t bother with flashbacks and all that. It wants us to experience the vague, likely incorrect nostalgia.

And, I definitely don’t see it as tragic. Stupid, yes. Metaphorical, yes. But not tragic.

Though there is another change in the gang, and one, I think, that also runs against his whole “tolerance” thing.

A lot of the gang is new people. Arthur and Hosea are the only ones who have been with him a long time. Sure, he seems to trust some of the new folks (including Micah to an inexplicable degree), but the rest? Less so. Even Molly, who he’s involved with. He’s suspicious because of “all these new people.”

There’s a lot of those overtones in this bit. His killing of Bronte, an immigrant, has a whole lot of “You think you’re better than me? Do you? DO YOU??? WELL, YOU’RE NOT!!!!” Disturbingly large amounts of it. Did you hear him explain why things won’t go to shit in Tahiti? He says the “problem here isn’t the land or blah blah blah. It’s men. Men who COME HERE with their [list of things that are different].” He’s asked “They don’t have men like that in Tahiti?” and Dutch replies “They do, but they feed them to sharks. They don’t make them kings.”

The emphasis on COME HERE is mine.

The idea that “My America was ideal, my life was ideal, before all these other people showed up and challenged me and my way of life” is…..timely. And out of line with someone so committed to the lives of Native Americans.

Unless it’s just illustrating privilege. Dutch can be all high and mighty about how you shouldn’t be so mean to Native Americans because Native Americans are not relevant to him. It’s like people we can picture at our lily white college who talked a very tolerant game who would be uncomfortable if a black couple moved in next door to them. Shit, we give Dutch a pass because of Charles and Lenny and Javier, but isn’t that like saying “Well, how can I be racist if I have a black friend?”

Female:

Oh, yeah, so much irony in that indignation about people who “come here and mess up our idyllic free country” spoken by a white dude in a west that’s still actively being colonized by white dudes. All those OTHER damn intruders, trying to take away what MY band of slightly-less-recent intruders is obviously plainly entitled to!

I suspect maybe the outrage about calling Native Americans ‘savage’ was in fact a cover for outrage at Bronte calling HIM savage…in his head, he and HIS group are basically the same as the Native Americans, in that both belong here in this great country and are oppressed by the law (I mean, they’ve lived here for a few thousand years and we’ve lived here for 30 years–basically the same thing).

They/we aren’t savages! How dare you say that, Charles, you stand-in for rich, pasta-eating jerks who just got here and already think they’re better than me (and also the Indians)!

It was especially strange that it was Charles who made this comment–was it definitely him? I kind of thought it was, but I don’t have the subtitles set up to show who’s speaking, so sometimes it’s still hard to tell, and I honestly would assume was meant sarcastically, given that Charles is half Indian himself, so it’s surprising that Dutch seemingly both took it at face value AND felt it was worth tearing into. Then I thought maybe it wasn’t actually Charles, maybe Bill or somebody made the comment, in which case Dutch was possibly displaying his lack of tolerance for that kind of attitude for Charles’ benefit…but you also thought it was Charles?

As you say, the whole episode was odd and I’m not really sure what to make of it.

And it’s a good point that “I have a black member in my gang!” is a bit like “I have a black friend.” It’s an interesting question, though, because I think how we judge this depends on whether we’re looking at Dutch as a person in the story in the time period, or whether we’re looking at him as a character presented to us, the players.

As a person in that time period, you have to give Dutch credit for actually being less racist than the prevailing winds, both because he doesn’t actually go around mentioning “I have a black member in my gang!” and because most of society at that time did not publicly applaud this kind of display of racial egalitarianism. The only reason for him to have black people in his gang is if he’s personally dedicated to racial equality (doubtful) or if he’s neutral on the question but finds these particular people to be useful members. And even just being neutral is in practice a step up from “black people cannot live in our white town or eat at the same campfire or share any public facilities with our whitenesses” etc. etc.

On the other hand, as a character presented to us, we can definitely say that Dutch/the game is pointing out “I have black members in my gang!” and wonder whether those black members might not only be there so that we, the players, will not think Dutch/the gang is horribly racist.

So Dutch, the character, is less racist than usual for the time period of 1899!–but the game itself may contain elements of the well-meaning/lofty/cluelessly racist time period of today. And, as you say, sometimes it can feel a bit awkward, when you’re not sure if Dutch is truly speaking in character because that’s reasonably something that person would say, or if he’s speaking for the game and saying something directed to us today.

Man, that was convoluted. I need a nap.

Butch:

Very, very much irony.

Hmm. Dutch does have projection issues, that he does. And insecurities. It was also interesting that Bill (It was Bill, I apologize), retorted not with “They were savages cuz look at ’em, all wearing different clothes and eating weird meats” but with “You weren’t in the army. You weren’t fighting ’em. You didn’t see what they did….” It was their actions that made them savage to Bill, not any kind of lack of class or religion or whatever. Maybe Dutch projects cuz of that, too. After all, you can take an outlaw and dress him up and give him money and give him books and teach him about opera and pasta, but if your ACTIONS define you, what you DID makes you savage, then there is no hope for Dutch, here or in Tahiti.

As for the convolutions, I understood that! Which probably means I also need a nap.

Hey, the sign of a good playing session is being all convoluted the next day.

Though let’s shift gears to something less obvious but no less interesting: The bigassed gator. That certainly felt metaphorical. Wading through an unfamiliar place, threatened by things you can’t see, unable to run or defend yourself, etc. The mood was great, to be sure. Freaky as shit. I also liked that you can’t really kill the menace, you can only drive it away for a time. Bigassed Gator is still out there, and he’s still hungry.

But what did you read the metaphor to be?

Female:

Dude, sometimes a bigassed gator is just a bigassed gator.

Hahahahaha! But also, in this case, I think maybe it’s a sort of representation of the larger forces they can’t control or escape. They’re struggling along (not really able to see where they’re going or where something might be waiting for them), and ‘the system’ (oppressive laws, Pinkertons, etc.) could strike at any moment, and even when they score a victory, it’s only temporary. They might escape, they might wound the Pinkertons or whoever by killing a few people, but then they have to run away, and the main body of the thing that’s hunting them is still out there. Still looking.

In this case, they escaped the gator for good by getting the hell out of the swamp, and that’s what Dutch WANTS to do with the forces that are hunting the gang, but getting the hell out of the country is, as we have seen, proving much more difficult than he hoped.

Butch:

It is still looking.

There was a lot packed into that session.

You know, maybe that’s another reason fast travel is so hard to come by in this game (and there are minigames and animals and shit): The game really does have to give you time to digest things. When this game really gets going, it gets deeply themey and fast. If this was a thirty hour game and all thirty hours were as brainy as the last 45 minutes, that would be exhausting. Right? We wouldn’t want that. So maybe we do want down time in games, doled out in a way that we can take as much as we want when we want.

Female:

It’s true, you don’t want that level of density all the time. That would become less like a game and more like a textbook. Probably one of those obscure philosophy textbooks that talks about feeding your enemies to alligators.

Whether we think it always works well or not, I really do think Mr. O’ is correct in that the pacing, and the amount of time it takes to get places or do things, is a very deliberate choice. Obviously the developers have played other games, and they know how people who play games tend to think and act. They know we WANT to rush all over the place whenever we want. Very clearly not allowing us to do that is setting an intentional mood, for sure.

And making us take a lot of time in between thinky bits to wander around is probably part of that. “Really THINK about that thinky bit!”

Butch:

Oh he’s most certainly right.

He would have liked this game……..

I kid, I kid. Sorta.

Slight detour! In order to get to my happy place, I spend the last half hour making dinner reservations in Nashville, where I will be in twelve and a half days but who’s counting? I’ve decided you’d like it, based on the early returns. There certainly are lots, I mean LOTS of places to drink booze, but, adding to its charm, they really do a spot on job of coming up with names for neighborhoods. Like, video game level creativity. There are neighborhoods there called “Tomorrow’s Hope,” “Fang,” “The Gulch” and the one we both agree wins the award for the best real neighborhood name on earth, “Pie Town.”

Seriously.

Female:

You MUST go and have some pie in Pie Town.

You must. Do it for me. Well, and for you.

Butch:

Dude, I dunno about pie, but, as it is very close to our hotel, I can almost guarantee I’m gonna have some booze in Pie Town.

But get your head around it: There are people who can say they live in Pie Town.

Female:

“Oh yeah, I have a place over in Pie Town.”

Rolls off the tongue, all right.

Butch:

What, Tomorrow’s Hope sounds like it should have ROBOT DINOSAURS.

And booze.

Female:

Lots of booze. Served by robot dinosaurs. Or maybe you have to fight robot dinosaurs to get it? Hm…

Butch:

One thing you gotta give the south/west/westerns: they did have a flair for naming places.

But this is reality outdoing art. I’d rather play in the Gulch, Tomorrow’s Hope and Pie Town than Strawberry. Strawberry? The fuck is that?

Female:

Hey, don’t knock strawberries! They make excellent pie.

Butch:

I don’t have anything against Strawberries. It’s just that whoever brainstormed place names for this game obviously did so while waiting to pick something up at Edible Arrangements.

When I come across Cantaloupe Ranch and Honeydew Hills I’ll know.

Female:

If we’re going to start talking about names, I’m honestly still much more troubled by their state names. (Sorry. Territories. These were not states yet in 1899 even in our world.)

‘New Hanover’? ‘Lemoyne’? And it’s not that I’m saying these names are inherently any stranger than the names we actually have for states (‘New Hampshire’? ‘Louisiana’?), but they just ring false.

Because they are false. And the fact that every time I look at a map I’m reminded that I’m roaming around in a weird alternate-history version of the country where all the important political and social points were presumably the same but none of the major figures responsible for delineating and naming western territories were (and also the president was different after the civil war? but not in a way that made any important difference to history?)–it just jars.

And then I start to disbelieve the entire narrative, even though it is otherwise quite realistically detailed and compelling.

And if I wanted to throw them major credit for subtle intentional mood-setting (like we did for the pacing), I could say well, maybe they’re TRYING to make us feel slightly disoriented, as if we’re lost in a familiar-yet-unfamiliar world, because that’s how Arthur would feel in this period of rapid social and technological change?

Or…even more subtly…maybe they want to make the point that we SHOULD feel a little off balance because this is the past, and the past is a foreign country. Right? They do things differently there! And even when you think you understand them, they could in fact be operating under a quite different set of assumptions about, for example, what to call territories! Which is only the smallest, subtlest of clues to alert us to the fact that maybe we have no real idea what these people are thinking or feeling and we shouldn’t presume we understand them!

Except that the game spends an awful lot of time trying to get us to know what Arthur is thinking and feeling, so we can understand him. So that’s probably more complicated than anything they would actually have been trying to do.

Anyway, I don’t really like it, and it’s not a big deal but every time I look at the map I think, in passing, how I don’t really like it. Meh. They can make their own choices about how to do their own game. Obviously.

Butch:

Dude, that was a mighty rant as a follow up to an edible arrangements joke. It’s a sunny spring Wednesday! We’re supposed to be making references to nudity and jokes about melons.

Female:

Yeah…but I was in a nit-picky frame of mind, so I was either going to pedantically point out that Emerald and Valentine and Saint Denis etc. etc. have nothing to do with food, which is true but beside the joke, or I was going to go in another direction.

Ooh, and now I’ve done both! Win!

Butch:

You go to Edible Arrangements to get valentines (and you want to anger your wife). So you get her emeralds to make right.

All connected.

Female:

Ennnnh…it’s a reach, but I’ll allow it. Because it’s quittin’ time, man! Woohoo!

Oh–and the quick update on the burning question of yesterday that I totally forgot about until now: the game did NOT reload at ‘last checkpoint,’ so don’t ever trust it to do that. It did reload at the point before the last fight, and not before the couple of fights before that (even though there was not a noticeable “pause and save here if you want to stop for the night!” point in there), so I only had to replay about 10 minutes.