Sunday, April 09, 2006

It's a good question. I discuss what I'm going through here because this is a place that I can freely say what's on my heart and in my mind and not be judged. As far as I'm concerned, I type these words and they fly off into cyber space, never to be read or heard by anyone else. Yes, I have told a handful of close friends about this site, so I am not deluding myself that what I say here is never heard by anyone else. But those whom I have told are friends that are caring and understanding. So I say what's on my heart. If what I say is uncomfortable for anyone, well... I'm sorry for that. But I come from a place where honesty is honored. I would never want a friend to tell me that she was 'okay', when, in fact, her spirit was in need of mending. I would rather hurt with my friend and work through her tough time together than to have her feel that she needed to tell me that she was okay in order to make ME feel ok. What good purpose does that serve?!? It's ok for me to be blue at times...I am grieving a lot of loss right now. It's ok for me to be upset...to be hurting... I have been hurt. But know this... I am ok. In the grand picture of things, I am ok. I still find joy in simple things. My house is clean, my bed is made (one of the crappy things one must do when one's house if for sale is to always keep it presentable). I fix dinner for M and I nightly. I go to church. I donate blood. (Ohhh, how ironic is this?? I just got a call for the ' behavior research institute' conducting a survey and they want to talk to me for a few minutes!! Do they really??!??)Anyway, back to what I was saying... I still shave my legs, make my famous 'pasta with shrimp' recipe, pay my bills on time, pet my dog, laugh with my students, plug in the lights on my 'life tree' every night, give thanks for all that I have, pray for my family and friends and eat chocolate.I am ok.

"Let each day of joy or sorrow be one more patch in my 'life quilt'.

And when my journey is over, may I feel its comfort around me and know that

3 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Oh sweet friend...if I have made you not think that you couldn't be of kindness or service to me in my times of chaos, I so apologize....know this though, to me, my chaos seems smaller than what you have had to be in....I have held your weeping face in my hands....it broke my heart.....I have told you that there is love in the world for you.....you have said you are not worthy of that....my chaos was nothing like yours...in my opinion....I do so promise I will not shield you from my chaos again....for all you said and did for me Friday night, I will be forever grateful and know that I love you with all my heart and cherish you....

not that you asked....

As a little girl growing up in Ohio, I spent my time outdoors as much as possible playing with Nature. I’ve always been captivated by the textures, nuances and palette of colors found around us. I’m intrigued by the details observed in a crackled leaf, a pink petal, a frosty spider web, or a billowy cloud found in our back yards, gardens, the skies or wherever we may journey. Life is fast-paced. We often walk right past these gifts, unaware of the wonderment they offer to our sense, to our souls. Photography allows me to stop time, to freeze a moment...and to hold these gifts forever…thus creating a permanent feast for the eyes and spirit. Challenging myself with my camera forces me to go for a shot that might be considered unobtainable. The word ‘can’t’ doesn’t enter into my self-talk. Instead, I say “Let me see what I can get!” and I go for it. If I want to take a close, tight picture, I do it, without the benefit of a macro lens. My philosophy is that nothing is wasted and everything is gained in the pursuit of that perfect shot that permanently expresses what my soul is feeling. There are no ‘bad pictures’….merely ‘learning experiences’. I am fearless with my camera.