Monday, 16 September 2013

EAT ME

Junk Food Science

A Postmedia News story in this morning’s
Edmonton Journal reports on new research by a team at Newfoundland’s
MemorialUniversity
which attempts to measure the propensity of food addiction (if it exists) in Canada. Food
addiction (if it exists) may also be a contributing factor to obesity - now
there’s a tenuous limb to waddle out on. The study’s sole participant was one
J. Wellington Wimpy who told researchers, ‘I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a
hamburger today.’

Food addiction did not exist when I was
growing up; of course I was eating my mother’s cooking. Pork chops made from
real Corinthian leather. Around 1976 or so I radically revamped my diet and
began eating mostly beer. Beer is right up there with the litany of great human
achievement, from the invention of the wheel, the husbandry of fire, the
concept of the arch with its unique structural strength, movable type and the
steam engine. Beer isn’t addictive at all although it tastes good, is full of
vital nutrients and acts as a reliable coping medicine.

The research seems to suggest that certain
foods have an effect on food addicts (if they exist) similar to a cocaine high.
The scientists did not specify what these foods are but I need to know. Maybe I
can buy a pallet at Costco and circumvent the genuine ‘Cocaine Blues.’

The Postmedia News reporter also alluded to a
strong and pervasive odor of pot in the researchers’ lab. In what perhaps may
be related news, a spokesperson for the Sobey’s grocery chain today announced
that there’s not a single Oreo cookie to be had in all of Newfoundland
and Labrador.