Hawaii Five-0: Let’s do it for Johnny, man!

And then the line between fiction and reality began to blur and it was beautiful. (Norman Shapiro/CBS)

drum drum drum YIPPEE KI YAY M-

AX! Max. Max has a crush. He is adorably crushing on his bank teller, eldest spawn of Bruce and Demi, Rumer Willis. He’s been coming into the bank every week for months, trying to work up the courage to ask for her number. Realizing that his money would be better spent on buying her dinner, rather than wasted on teller transaction frees, Rumer Willis takes the situation in hand. She slips him her digits and proposes sushi on Saturday. Max lights up like a Star Trek transporter. It’s a date. And then C. Thomas Howell shoots Rumer Willis in the gut during a botched robbery of the bank.

In this week’s product placement, Moonlight and Caano are called in to investigate the stalking of a Victoria’s Secret model. I’m frankly surprised that the girls are wearing bikinis and not Microsoft Surface tablets. When Moonlight gets the call about the robbery, Caano offers to hang back and shoos him off. I think someone is still a little peeved about the amount of time his mister has been spending with Carmen. The models tease him about his slacks and Gracie be-glittered button-down shirt – “Well, at least I’m not wearing a tie, right?”

Five-0 begins the investigation by trying to ID the robbers. The bank cameras had a perfect vantage point, but in place of heads, the suspects have giant glowing blobs of light. MANDROIDS! LASER EYES! Sorry team, but you’re punching out of your weight class on this one. You’re going to need to call in the specialists. Just make sure you get the okay from the governor for the good medical-grade narcotics because Dean doesn’t do well in planes. Sadly, the robbery was not committed by shapeshifters, but by men wearing CCD disrupting infrared LEDs sewn into their shirts. It’s a sophisticated gambit for a job that only netted five grand in cash. Money that ends up tossed in the bushes off the Pali Highway.

Rumer is still unconscious following surgery and Max keeps a vigil by her bed. As a guest star, I’m surprised she’s lived this long. Clearly, Daddy Bruce must have threatened to go medieval on the producers if they Springfielded her. Max rubs ice chips over Rumer’s lips in a moment that is marginally less creepy because it’s Max, but still. It’s not like he knows this girl. They’re not in a relationship. They haven’t even had a first date. Creepy.

Jin gets a print off the money bag which leads Boomer and Moonlight to one of the robbers.

IT'S A PSYCHO-BILLY FREAK OUT.

And then he does a runner, leaving his grass skirt behind. “Got a suspect traveling on foot heading south. What’s he wearing?”

“Nothing. He’s bare-assed naked.”

And Moonlight thought Caano was the one having all the fun this episode. McG tackles the suspect to the ground while trying to not actually touch him. He tosses his cuffs to Boomer and hurries off to find a wooden stake. Moonlight knows not even a Silkwood shower can make him feel clean again. Only sweet death can bring that relief.

Naked guy was a part of the robbery, but claims to have been hired off the street that same day. He has no idea who his partner is but is perfectly willing to give them a description. Boomer and Moonlight arrive back at the hospital in time to see Ponyboy walking away from the room of Jim – would-be hero of the robbery and only other person who can identify him. Jim, he’s dead. Moonlight believes that Ponyboy is tying up loose ends but he’s just trying to finish a job. Moonlight, is somebody sick? Yeah, somebody’s sick. Jim met professional hitman Ponyboy while both were being treated for cancer. Jim hired Pony to stage the robbery, hoping to die a hero and redeem himself in the eyes of his estranged family. That seems really complicated. Maybe he should have started with a fruit basket and moved on from there. Ponyboy jumps Moonlight at the treatment center and forces him to drive to a remote location. Then he returns McG’s gun to him and invites Moonlight to shoot. Pony is dying anyway and he doesn’t want it to be slow. No one will ever know. Moonlight will know. He hopes Ponyboy enjoyed the sunsets because he’s going to die in prison. “Book ’em, Caano.”

Rumer heals up sufficiently for she and Max to finally have dinner. He wheels her into the hospital cafeteria for a candlelight meal. He offers her the bill of fare and she chooses C6 – turkey and swiss on whole wheat. Max and his adorable bow tie scurry over to the vending machine to procure the finest in institutional pre-packaged meals. Rumer pronounces it perfect, punctuated with a peck on the cheek. Aww. I like the two of them together. I hope she gets to stay.

Caano wraps up the product placement plot by shooting the stalker as she’s about to slice and dice the model. To celebrate, he and Moonlight take Gracie to the VS fashion show. She poses while Uncle Steve snaps pictures for her to tweet to all her friends. Adorable Monkey is adorable. The grateful model is all like, ‘Thanks for not shooting me even though I was standing barely two feet from the stalker lady and enjoy your time with your daughter. Little girls grow up so fast.’ This is the second time this season someone has expressed that sentiment to Caano. Is Gracie going to fall through some wormhole and emerge at the end of the season a fully grown, adult woman? Is Rachel going to send her to that rapidly aging soap opera boarding school in Switzerland? Hands off Gracie! FREE MONKEY!

This is Whitney inviting you to be with us next week. Be here, Monday at 9:00 p.m. on CBS. Aloha.