Saturday, October 08, 2005

the Chads of the world

According to babynamesworld.com, the name Chad means warlike and warrior. I have never met a warlike Chad and I can't think of any famous Chad warriors in history. This does not surprise me.

I don't know what it is about the name Chad, but bad things seem to happen when I see someone with that name or a derrivitave of that name on a nametag walking towards me. The Hater and I have officially struck all Chad-names from our future baby list. We will not be responsible for bringing another one into this world.

When we were at MTSU, The Hater, Angry Dissenter, and I were good buddies. We went one night to eat supper at Red Lobster. Chaz was our waiter. (I'm very aware that Chaz is not the same as Chad, but for this blog it's close enough. According to babynamesworld.com, Chaz means manly.) Chaz was wearing a surfer mullet (which screams manly to me). He screwed up our order, and when he brought the "fixed one" back, it was messed up, too. He was not meant for the food service industry. He filled up our drinks with the wrong beverages and never brought us any bread, even after we asked.

It might seem that The Hater and I expect too much from our waitstaff. This is clearly not true. We have low standards and always tip well. Except for Chaz. He earned his twelve cent tip that day.

Months later we returned to Red Lobster. Lo and behold Chaz was our waiter again, and I think he recognized us because he sighed as he made eye contact. This time he did a great job and earned his 25% tip. But still. Let us not forget that his name was Chaz.

This morning we awoke early to go to the bank to roll over my 401K into an IRA. Chad met us with a goofy grin on his face. We started asking him questions about the differences between a Roth IRA and a traditional IRA. He fumbled over words and messed with things on his desk before he came out and said he had no idea. He called a 1-800 help number while we were sitting there to see if there was someone he could ask. "I feel really bad about this," he kept saying. So did we. Chad was an idiot hiding behind an official-looking nametag. The Hater guessed that Chad was clueless beyond opening a savings account.

As we're filling out the IRA info the part comes where you fill in info about the beneficiary. This is The Hater. I asked Chad where to put the info about the secondary beneficiaries, like if The Hater and I were to be killed in a freak house cat accident. He didn't know anything about that. I thought it was odd, (and The Hater and I exchanged WTF glances) but we plundered on with the paperwork.

He printed off the information for me to sign -- and at the top of the second page there was a section marked "contingent beneficiaries". I showed Chad and asked him if that was the secondary section. He gulped and said he didn't know. He didn't know. And he didn't know who to call to ask. Chad told us this.

So I read the three-sentence paragraph again. this time aloud to him. It said this section had to add up to 100%, too. I asked Chad if he'd ever heard of a "contingency plan". He said he didn't know. So I filled out Sister as my contingent beneficary. Chad said he felt really bad "about this". I can only guess that "this" means his incompetency regarding his job.

Woe to Chad. He was doomed from birth.

Let us not forget the dangling Chad that caused GW Bush to be annointed the winner by the Supreme Court. Imagine how many American and Iraqi lives would have been spared if Gore had won the Presidency. I bet the world wouldn't hate America as much, either, if Gore had won the election -- oh, wait, he did.

Let's use this blog as an opportunity to dialogue through our pain. Be strong. Avoid the Chad.