Friday, November 02, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

“The X Factor” tied in ratings with “It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” on Wednesday night. The shows are similar. In one, the Great Pumpkin is a figment of Linus’ imagination. In the other, Simon Cowell is a legend in his own mind.

The CDC says the nation’s birth rate was at an all time low. In this economy, men can’t even afford to pay to get a date, let alone get any further than that.

The CDC says that 40% of the babies born in 2011 were to unwed mothers. Of course, most of the fathers were married, just to someone else.

The CDC says that 40% of the babies born in 2011 were to unwed mothers. Experts say the best way to reduce that number is cut back on the length of time of the NBA off season.

Environmentalists are saying that New Jersey should not rebuild areas that were destroyed along the Jersey Shore. Even conservationists have had their fill of Snooki, the Situation and JWoww.

A dozen Fisker hybrid cars caught fire and exploded in New Jersey during the flooding from Hurricane Sandy. Only in New Jersey could environmentally safe vehicles turn into a toxic disaster.

A report says that two thirds of the jobs created during the Obama Administration went to immigrants. Which is good in at least the foreigners are moving here to get their jobs instead of expecting us to send them all overseas.

Argentina has voted to drop its voting age to 16. If they drop it any lower, the country's next President will be Xuxa.

Argentina has voted to drop its voting age to 16. Which means the new number one excuse for any voting improprieties at the polls will be “My dog ate my ballot.”

A Tennessee court is allowing library cards to be used as ID for voters at the polls for now. That is good news for the three Tennesseans who actually have ever been to a library.

A Tennessee court is allowing library cards to be used as ID for voters at the polls for now. They would take care of a lot more voters if they would allow them to use their Dolly Parton Fan Club membership card.

Bulgarian archaeologists have claimed to find the oldest town ever in Europe. Even though it is about 6,000 years old, its economy is still better than the rest of the continent because they never switched over to the Euro.

An Asian elephant in Korea can reportedly say five Korean words. Which is completely believable only if you can understand Korean.

An Asian elephant in Korea can reportedly say five Korean words. Wildlife experts are not impressed. Korean is not that hard of a language to learn.

An Asian elephant in Korea can reportedly say five Korean words. All it took was a huge sack of peanuts and a CD from Rosetta Stone.

An Asian elephant in Korea can reportedly say five Korean words. The worst part is that the only words it has learned are “Call my agent right now.”

Almost 100% of Greeks and 99% of Spaniards say their economy is terrible. Here we complain about the top 1% owning everything. There the top 1% has a job.

A Massachusetts man has been sentenced to 17 years in prison for plotting to blow up buildings with model airplanes carrying explosives. Apparently his plan fell apart when he couldn’t wind the rubber band propeller tight enough to get the plane to fly much more than just across the street.

Letitia Baldridge, President kennedy’s social secretary has died at age 86. Although his administration was busy with the Cuban Missile Crisis and fighting the Cold War, history shows there was no one on President Kennedy’s staff who had more on their plate than the person organizing his social activities.

Automobile Magazine has named the Tesla Model S as the “Car of the Year”. The car goes 300 miles on a single charge. The only hard part is when it runs out of power having to replace all 2,000 AA batteries.

A study says that who people expect to win an election is more reliable than who they want to win. This has been proven time and again for more than a century by Chicago Cubs fans.

Amtrak has resumed limited service in the wake of damage caused by Hurricane Sandy. Which is good news since Amtrak pretty much provides only limited service on its best days anyway.

An FTC staff has recommended the government file an anti-trust lawsuit against Google. Apparently all they needed to do to get evidence was to google “Monopoly” and the first 500,000 listings were for Google.

A report says that nail biting could soon be designated as a compulsive disorder. The only problem is that the suspense of waiting for the decision may cause some people to gnaw right down to their knuckles.

A report says that nail biting could soon be designated as a compulsive disorder. It isn’t really considered serious until a person’s fingernails get too short and they start nibbling on their toes.

A study says that living at high altitudes is tied to children’s developmental delays. Although that is pretty much offset by the fact that most of Mississippi and Alabama are located at sea level.

Massachusetts will be voting on whether to allow doctor assisted suicides in the state. People voting “yes” say they would like the first person on the list to be Bobby Valentine.

A study says that older people who exercise experience a lower risk of dementia. Unless their main forms of exercise are hopscotch, hide and go seek and duck, duck goose.

A study says that elevated blood pressure may lead to premature aging of the brain. But the best way to bring your blood pressure down is to have your brain get old and forget what is stressing you out and raising your blood pressure in the first place.

Chris Brown caused controversy when he dressed as a terrorist for Halloween. When asked about it, he said “Halloween?”

Chris Brown caused controversy when he dressed as a terrorist for Halloween. Apparently he wanted to be more realistic but it seemed like everyone was already going dressed as a prison inmate.

Brendan Fraser has left the TNT pilot of “Legends”, reportedly due to “creative differences”. That would be more believable if his resume didn’t include “Encino Man”, “Airheads” and “George of the Jungle”.

Evander Holyfield is filing a lawsuit to stop the sale of some of his personal memorabilia. For one thing, he doesn’t think that it’s right for people to be allowed to bid on the pieces of his ear that Mike Tyson didn’t swallow.

Jennifer Lopez has reportedly made her boyfriend Casper Smart sign a confidentiality agreement. Apparently he can’t say anything about their relationship. Which is no big deal for fans since it will all be in the papers and court records when they break up in three months anyway.

The NFL and NBA are each donating $1 Million for cleanup efforts from Hurricane Sandy. Now if they would just make a donation to help in cleaning up after the riots that follow the NBA and NFL championships.

Astronomers say they have seen the light from the universe’s first stars that were formed 13.7 Billion years ago. Not to say the light is getting old, but over the years it has dropped from 186,000 miles a second to barely being able to keep up with traffic on the Santa Monica Freeway.

A portrait of the Madonna and Child may be sold for as much as $15 Million at an auction. The Madonna and Child painting is not to be confused with the latest online photos of Madonna with her latest boytoy.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only four more days until the election. That means less than 100 hours to go of being subjected to unending, annoying political ads. No matter who you are voting for, you can always mark your ballot for me by sending the love!