Ever wanted to be in charge? Well, in my own little world I will be, one day. Just not quite yet. I'm a bit tired at the moment... maybe I'll take over after I've had my little nap.
The United Dingdom - stating the bleeding obvious so you don't have to.
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Friday, 20 May 2016

David Colon

The latest referendum polls showed little change and the government, having decided
to campaign for the continued servility of the British economic machine to the
puppet masters of Brussels, decided to hold a summit to assess the way forward.
After all, their future EU commissioner jobs were at stake here. Around the
table various strategies were discussed and a plan of sorts began to come
together. But given the exposure of some high profile figures to the enhanced
scrutiny of the public gaze they were struggling to come up with a strong
enough character to lead the final push.

“It’s as if we are like the components of one body” said
David Cameron, “all working in concert to keep this thing viable...” adding,
for no reason other than it was expected, “...going forward.” He then went on
to propose that all around the cabinet table compared themselves to a vital
organ as a means of explaining how they fitted into the whole and how they
would bring new insights to appeal to the undecided voter.

"I should be in charge," said Sajid Javid “I am
like the brains and that, because of all the things what I know. I used this knowledge
to rise from being the son of a bus driver to be like what I am now. And where
I am now and that. As the brain I run all the body's systems, so without me
nothing would happen, innit." The cabinet nodded, unconvinced.

The resident of No.11 stood to address the assembly. "I
should be in charge," said George Osborne. “Money is like the blood of the
economy and I am the heart of the operation. Without me, circulating
life-giving blood – by which I mean money, of course – all your other functions
would waste away. The heart is the most important organ.”

"I should be in charge," said Liz Truss. “As Secretary of State for
Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, I am like the stomach. My department preserves
the life-giving environment so we can grow the food which the stomach processes
to give you all energy. Without that energy the blood is no good and the brain
would be starved." Murmurs went around the table; she had a point.

Patrick McLoughlin cut in: "I should be in charge," he said. “As
Transport Minister I am like the legs and I carry the body wherever it needs to
go." Another good point, the murmurs suggested. Then, "I am the
eyes," said the Theresa May, "I send out my security forces and
I see everything. Without the eyes the body wouldn’t be able to see where it is
going.” A flurry of others added their own bids, until a cough was heard
from the head of the table. David Cameron was ready to speak again.

“You are all forgetting the rectum.” He said. “The rectum is the most powerful.”
The cabinet laughed, nervously. “As the rectum, I am responsible for waste
removal – I get rid of those we don’t need." Everybody fell silent and for a
few seconds nobody dared breathe. “If I choose to shut down, within a few days
the stomach will bloat, the brain will get headaches, the legs
will wobble, they eyes will blur and the blood will become toxic.” In a
unanimous vote it was confirmed he would lead the charge.

The arsehole of Europe?

The Moral of this story? No matter who does all the work
and no matter how much effort they put in it is always the arsehole who is
charge.