Gerald the Dog, a former classmate of Scooter Thomas (and fellow philosophy major) at Princeton, has written a provocative opinion piece for The Onion. Frequent rivals during their undergraduate days, Gerald and Scooter Thomas have drifted even farther apart, ideologically speaking, since their collegiate days. This piece only confirms Gerald’s deterioration into sub-Kierkegaardian existential angst with a bit of Nietzschian self-loathing thrown in for good measure. Sad, really.