14 Essential Tips to Help You Avoid Family Drama on Your Wedding Day

My wedding could not have been more straight forward. The first for both of us. No kids. Parents who had stayed married and were previously believed to be nice. But then, in a flash, we went from Royal Wedding to A Nightmare on Elm Street, culminating in my otherwise lovely mother-in-law's snarling to my husband (about me), "Why don't you just put a ring through your nose and let her lead you around on it?"

There's a reason why Romeo and Juliet eloped and millions of couples have followed suit. Weddings can turn hairline fractures into full-blown family breaks, and no bride wants to perform triage in a long white gown between the first dance and the cake cutting. "There's nothing like a wedding to bring up unresolved tensions in a family," says Bonnie Maslin, Ph.D., a psychologist and marriage specialist. "Good moments can also make people recall their not-so-good ones."

There we are, declaring endless love—in public, no less—while dealing with logistical issues that make a military coup seem like a day at the spa. Lucky generals: They don't have to spend their time soothing the ego of a sibling who feels shafted, or running interference between a seething mother and a father's new 25-year-old girlfriend.

With so many personalities and grievances in the mix, it's impossible to please everyone, as my friend Rita* learned: "My parents are divorced, so I tried to involve both parents in the wedding planning equally," she says. "But my father insisted on paying for the entire wedding—and inserting himself into the decision-making process—and my stepmother wanted me to put her name on the invitation rather than my mother's. I put all three names on the invite, end of story, but I was constantly put in the middle, unable to focus on my fiancé and what was important to him."

Another friend with divorced parents, Suzanne, whose father had been absent throughout most of her childhood, chose to ask her mother to walk her down the aisle. Despite this gesture, her mother continued to complain angrily about her father's presence, while her father took every opportunity to make his own hurt feelings known. "Let's just say picture-taking was awkward," says Suzanne.

Even the closest bond between siblings can fray in the face of nuptial pressures. I attended a garden wedding where Donna, the bride's older, unmarried sister (and maid of honor) expressed her ambivalence by reaching over midway through the ceremony and clocking the bride on the arm. When asked about the incident later, she smiled and said, "Oh, I was just killing a mosquito." (There was definitely no mosquito.)

And yet, the happiest weddings I have attended are those that could easily have been the most complicated. What has made them joyful is that the involved parties have acted with grace and generosity. In other words, they acted like adults. The in-laws who felt slighted, the mother who dreaded seeing her ex-husband with his much younger wife, the fiancés who stressed about how to handle that same encounter—all of them leaned on their friends, rather than gossiping and sniping. They kept the focus where it belonged: on the couple.

Jennifer, whose parents divorced acrimoniously after 23 years, explained to both before the event how important it was to her that they get along. The result? When she had a meltdown about a detail gone wrong, both her mother and father huddled with her in support. "The photographer caught that very tender moment of both parents' communicating their love for me simply by being there. It's one of my favorite photos in the entire wedding album," she says. This family proved that even the deepest divides can be bridged, at least temporarily—and that is something worth celebrating.

My late father was a psychiatrist who believed firmly in rites of passage. A wedding, he explained, is sacrosanct; we are making a promise in front of the people who may well be the ones who help keep the marriage together through hard times. It might be tempting to sneak off to the Maldives, where no snarky stepchild, overbearing mother-in-law, or divorced parents will attend with their entailed dramas. But if we're lucky, it is these people whom we will call when the going gets rough, who will remind us of anger's fleeting nature and steer us back on course.

Now, looking back, I can see that my mother-in-law's vitriol came less from anger than from hurt that decisions about the most important event in her son's life had been made without her, and that this was a portent of things to come. A wedding doesn't mark just the emergence of a new family of two, but also a dramatic rearrangement of the old. It's a change that is almost as profound for parents as it is for the bride and groom. But my mother-in-law and I loved each other before we started planning a wedding, and we have grown to love each other more with every passing year. She has come to see the strength of her son's and my union, and we have both discovered that our lives are far happier lived as allies than as competitors.

I learned that the most important skill a bride can have is mindfulness—not only of her family members' situations, but of the person to whom she is pledging lifelong devotion. "Standing together as a couple from the beginning," says Maslin, "is the key to making both a wedding and a marriage work—one that no mother or mother-in-law can tear apart."

For instance: "If your mom is single, ask if she wants to bring a buddy for support," advises Maslin.

6. Be Generous

Consider putting all parents on the invitation, regardless of who's paying. If they feel invested, they're likely to behave better.

7. Allot Time to Talk

Announce to your family that you'll be free to discuss nonlogistical wedding issues for an hour a week at a specific time. Then stick to that.

8. Take Charge

You don't have to bow down reflexively to every person's needs. Make sure you and your fiancé feel comfortable with the decisions being made.

9. Lighten up

If you can hold onto your sense of humor when all those around you are losing theirs, you might just have the time of your life.

10. Practice Non-Avoidance

"People think talking about a situation will stir it up, but the opposite is true," says Bonnie Maslin. "A mother who is given the chance to say, It kills me that your father is going to be there with his new wife,' is the mother who is less likely to throw a glass of champagne in anger."

11. Channel Oprah

"Start conversations with questions," says Maslin. "Don't interrogate, which can create defensiveness. Instead, be open to discovery. If your dad has a potential issue, ask, Is this hard for you?' "

12. Respond, Don't React

"Responding means you've had an intervening thought, such as, This situation is complicated for this person," she says. "Don't act in kind but in kindness. You can't go wrong with empathy."

13. Take a Time-Out

You don't have to RSVP yes to every fight you're invited to. If your sister starts getting feisty, Maslin counsels, "say, This isn't going to be productive.' " Raise the topic again when tempers cool.

14. Strike the Right Tone

"Instead of saying to your fiancé, I hate your mother, so you need to talk to her,' try, This is a painful situation for me, and I need your help to get through it.' It's the difference between asking someone to have your back and demanding that they execute your need."

* All names have been changed to protect the brides.

This story originally appeared in a print issue of Glamour.

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