Jason Torchinsky

Oh, beavers! They're so cute, right? What with their little waffle-ironed tails and buck teeth and insatiable woodlust? Wrong. They're not cute. If beavers could, they'd murder you and everyone you love. Just like this Canadian beaver tried to do when he heaved a whole tree onto a family's car.

The Quebecois family was visiting Prince Edward Island, driving along in their RAV4, when a tree fell right on their car. The driver saw the initial fall, but was unable to avoid the tree, which caused significant damage to their car's roof and roof-mounted cargo box. Thankfully, no one in the family, which included two adorable human children, were injured.

The driver was quite flip about the whole ordeal, saying

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... it happened and there's not much you can do about it. But it's just funny, for us it's just funny. It's going to be a joke for years.

An examination of the trunk of the tree that had fallen found that it had been gnawed just about all of the way through by a beaver. Several other large trees in the area that were still standing had similar damage. Chaisson said a crew was at work taking down the other damaged trees before they left the scene.

Don't you see? This wasn't an accident — this was a deliberate, systematic attack on car-travelling humans by separatist beaver groups. Had the beavers had time to fully coordinate their attack, they could have launched a massive tree-barrage, damming up the highway and causing hundreds of human deaths.

Local beaver-supremicist groups like the Beaver's Liberation Front Of Prince Edward Island (BLFOPEI), the League of Dam-makers, and the shadowy Woodchew Alliance have each taken responsibility for the act, and show no signs of remorse.

BEAVER MAKE TREE-SMACK HUMAN NOISEBOX

reads the first line of a Woodchew Alliance press release, written in what appears to be claw-smeared beaver feces on sheets of bark.

BEAVER DESTROY ALL HUMAN. TREES ALL FOR BEAVER. NO MORE HUMAN TAKE TREE. BEAVER MAKE DAMS FROM PUP-HUMANS. ALL HAIL THE GREAT BEAVER IN HIS SKY-DAM.

Clearly, we're dealing with zealots here. These fringe beaver groups are expected to be in full control of rural Canada by the year 2017. I attempted to contact a local beaver to get an idea about how these groups radical views have permeated general beaver society, but the beaver I arranged to meet bit me really hard on the thigh while an unseen accomplice whacked me in the face with his big, flat tail until I lost consciousness.