Looking for celebrity gossip and full frontal Kardashian bashing? Need more snarkasm in your diet? Do you get a sick thrill out of the misfortunes of others? You're in the right place! Welcome. And prepare to be Whorrified.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

HULK LAUNCHES NEW LAWSUIT; OLD ONE DIDN'T TAKE

HULK HOGAN, WEARING A LOVELY FEATHER BOAIt is almostimpossible to fathom why no one wanted to watch a tape of this gentleman having sex with ... well, anyone. Photo/CreStock

Hulk Hogan may be a senior citizen but his energy level hasn't fizzled one iota and I'm sure that has nothing to do with the Viagra smoothies he chugs every morning.

You may recall that Hulk, whose new career is suing people, recently expended vast amounts of energy protesting a "leaked" sex tape in which he committed adultery with some classy biker hag. Alas, although he threatened to sue anyone who watched "THAT SEX TAPE I HAD NO IDEA WAS BEING MADE," exactly zero people had the stomach to call his bluff. And so the tape just sits there, unwatched, unwanted and collecting dust. It is very much like Hulk Hogan's penis in that regard.

And because Hulk's pool of remaining options is drying up faster than Jennifer Aniston's uterus, he's now betting all his chips on this one: a lawsuit alleging the back treatments he received at a Florida facility were bogus and damaged hiscareer. (*little voice in my head* "Is he talking about the wrasslin' career that was over years ago or the sex tape career that never started?")

In full blowhard mode, Hulk alleges the Laser Spine Institute is (wait for it) a bunch of frauds and "a total sham." I'm just going to let that statement stew in its own irony for a moment. That's right: Hulk Hogan. WWF wrestler. Professional fake fighter. Is calling someone a fraud and their line of work a total sham. I seriously cannot wait to hear what his next lawsuit will be.

Editor's note:If he wants to sue somebody, he should start with his barber.That moustache could star in its own sex tape.

DOESN'T THIS FAMILY EVER HAVE BOYS?

Kardashian's stripper bride has plopped out a baby, and it vaguely resembles Rob so my nasty suspicions were completely unfounded. Also, IT'S A GIRL! In lieue of newborn gifts, the happy kouple are probably asking for cash donations to the baby's breast-and-butt implant fund. Those 12th birthdays come faster than you think. CLICK THE PIC to see the newest member of the Kardashian clan.

Looking for Tyra? Kanye? Me? Type a name here

POSSIBLY THE MOST BORING NEWS EVER

Actors Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts have announced that they are splitting up after 11 years of marriage. Unfortunately, they had the nerve to do so within a week of Brad and Angelina's cataclysmic split, so no one gives a shit. Plus I've never seen such craptastic acting as Naomi Watts playing Lady Diana, so if that was Liev's reason for leaving her I can't say I blame him.

FIRST-EVER PICS OF PREGNANT JANET!

I wouldn't normally give a flying nipple ring about baby bumps, but when said baby bump is sticking out of Janet Jackson's 50-year-old body, you're damn right I'm gonna blog about that. As well as gleefully note that she appears to be eating for at least two, possibly three or four. CLICK ON HER PIC to see the fruits of the paparrazis' relentless stalking of Janet … Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

SOMEONE DODGED THE GARGOYLE BULLET

Iman posted a photo of Lexi Jones, her only child with David Bowie, in honour of her 16th birthday and I am relieved to report that she is incandescently beautiful. Because it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, so many celebrity offspring defy the genetic odds that one can't help wondering if God is as morbidly obsessed with schadenfreude as I am. How else to explain celebrats that look nothing like Demi Moore and everything like Mr. Potato Head? (Sorry, Rumer Willis, I wasn't going to mention you by name but your fourteen-storey chin demanded it; that thing terrifies me!)

STOP PICKING ON SNOOP BECAUSE HE'S BLACK

Notorious pothead Snoop Dogg has accused Swedish police of racial profiling after he was briefly detained in Uppsala on suspicion of possessing weed. Police pulled him over because he “seemed to be under the influence of narcotics." (Police: Are you Snoop Dogg? Snoop: Yes. Police: GUILTY!) After his release, Snoop hit Instagram to rage that he was arrested because of racial profiling. “They made me pee in a cup – didn’t find shit,” he actually said. (No seriously. He's making this too easy.)

THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR BOTH OF US, HALLE

Halle Berry is embarking on her fourth divorce (this time from Olivier Martinez), and far be it from me to criticize her terrifying track record on relationships because my own track record is just one degree less terrifying than hers. Which leads me to conclude that the problem is not that "Halle Berry can't keep a man," but rather that so few men are worth keeping. Click the pic to see the supportive evidence. You can't argue with science.