How to Survive in the Modern Day Workplace

Tempe, AZ – Suddenly overcome by panic at the realization that she hadn’t locked her computer after spending the morning browsing different job boards at work, product manager Lisa Frazier immediately felt sharp stinging pains in her chest while grabbing lunch at the nearest Del Taco at the thought of her total lack of productivity becoming exposed to the rest of her office. Frazier immediately put down her Jacked Up Value Bean, Rice & Cheese Burrito and began breathing into her takeout bag as she couldn’t help but picture her coworkers reading through her #nofatties Slack conversation where she and 15 other coworkers recently made snarky comments about Mike Thompson eating yesterday’s birthday cake leftovers for breakfast this morning.

“All it takes is one curious coworker looking at my GMail to notice that I’m on a 400-plus email chain about all the times our manager has used the phrase ‘let’s take a step back’ for them to realize I’m actually silently judging every single person around me,” sobbed Frazier. “Even worse, if they look at the Excel file I keep up on my second screen and discover it’s actually just power rankings on how hot the men in the office are, then they’ll realize I’m both unproductive AND kinda shallow.”

As of press time, Frazier was seen running back to the office, hoping that a minor arson in the tech department would solve all her problems.