So you’re mourning the estrangement or loss of your child or children and you want them back into your life more than anything else that you can think of, right?

Let me ask you something as we go.

Is the child or children that he/she/they is or are now, the same child that you raised and want back into your life?

Think about that question as we go along and don’t fully answer it until near the end, ok?

Do we truly have control over our child/children or do they have the balance of power in their own hands?

As much as we’d love to blame the other parent or someone that your child (adult or not) is with, is it really someone else or did you instil the brains and thinking abilities into your child enough to think for themselves?

That’s a tough thought for most parents to have. After all, we truly believe that our child or children couldn’t possibly be treating us this way were it not for the input of someone else who is part of their lives now. It’s a hard concept to grasp ahold of that even if these kids (or adults) fell for other people’s lies or manipulations, they are still not only capable of making their own choices but, they’re also capable of using their own minds to think this through. More key here is the idea that the love that we had for them must have been shown to them throughout their lives with us therefore, their love for us must also still be there, right?

Again, don’t answer the questions that this raises in your mind yet. Hang in there and wait until the end or sometime later after you’ve read this and thought about it.

Your Child/Children, Adult or not, is being lied to and, or brainwashed by someone else.

While that may be true and your child has fallen victim to lies and manipulations from someone else right now, the truth is that they are allowing it to happen to them for a reason. They are not using their own minds to think this through or to realize that you, as their parent(s) is/are the ones who loved and raised them to the best of your ability. Are they really being brainwashed or are they choosing to stay stuck and away from us because it’s what is easiest for them to do or what they want right now?

Stop and think about this. People cannot be brainwashed into anything that they don’t truly allow to happen to themselves. The proof is in their upbringing by you. Deep down inside of themselves, they have a wealth of memories of the good that you did for them. It’s this point that should be overpowering whatever mental manipulations that they have had done to them by others.

*The reality though is, they are getting something in some way out of allowing this type of scenario to occur.*

What could they be getting out of this though?

Don’t underestimate your child or children’s senses of what’s being done for them or to them by someone else. If your child or children (again, grown or not) are not responding to you, there’s something better in being in the situation that they’re in and they’re remaining stuck in that spot or place because they want whatever it brings to them. If they didn’t like it or weren’t getting something from it, they’d be making different choices.

Take a look at an adult child who has taken on a creep of a partner, spouse or significant other. Staying away from you and siding with their partner may be part of them being closer to that person. In other words, you’re less important at this point in time than having peace with their significant other. Now, lest you be thinking “I want to get rid of this person then,” think again. The reality is, it’s not truly the other person but, rather your child’s quest to get what feels good to them. You’re considered “collateral damage” in this case. Your child’s wants and needs are going to follow whatever roads they have to go down in order to get what they want at the moment. It’s what feels good to them. You’re not likely the focus of their actions or lack of them nor, are you that important to be above and beyond what your child wants. This is the sign of a child who may have had you do and give too much for and to them versus anything else that you can think of having done or not done to deserve this type of treatment from them.

I can’t see my child being that selfish though!

Really? You can’t see that your child, grown or not, would do this to you by being “selfish” enough to want what they want and leave you to eat their dust?

Think about what’s just been said here by you and even me.

Your child (like everyone else) is out to please themselves first and foremost even if that means that they have to oust others from their lives and make them seem like The Devil Incarnate in order to please someone else that they’ve chosen to be with. Even more shockingly, they are only too pleased to have someone else help them come up with even an imaginary story so that it justifies their actions or lack of them with you. Everyone wants what they want or they want what makes them feel good. If someone else can give them what they want, they’re going down that path and you’re going to get shoved aside like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. It’s that simple.

Someone else is telling my child that I’m a bad person and need to be stayed away from and my child believes it.

There are all sorts of reasons why someone else may be telling them things about you that makes you seem to your child like you’re The Monster From The Deep Lagoon. The reality is, if your child weren’t getting something out of this in some way or another, your child (as long as they’re old enough to think for themselves) is treating you this way because they want to believe what they’re being told about you. It justifies something that they’re getting from the situation. Were they to not be getting something good from it all, they’d be thinking for themselves and acting quite differently than they are behaving towards you.

In all honesty, the person doing the bad mouthing has only so much power over your child. If your child doesn’t want that kind of power over them, they’d be making other choices. Your child is making those choices, not the other person or people. Pathetically, that’s the reality behind what your child is doing or not done.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that kids (adult or not) aren’t on the internet, doing what you’re doing and finding a world of others who will commiserate with them and aid the process along further towards battering you to a pulp.

One look-up on Google or some other search engine will bring up a plethora of books, forums and other sources for any child, adult or not, who wants to believe that their parents are horrible people who have abused or neglected them. It’s like giving a gun to your child and the ammunition for it at the same time. The words “Narcissist” and “Toxic” have been volleyed around by these kids like it’s a sand volleyball tournament. They love those 2 words because it not only justifies their estrangement or distance from their parents but, it also gives them the target practice and courage to pull that trigger on you and fire away at you. It matters not that you were likely a normal parent, doing normal parenting things or giving your child everything you could afford to give to them. All that matters to them is what is happening in their own lives right now and what they are getting out of it all. Not much else matters to them.

You’re making kids all out to be bad, selfish people. My child isn’t that way!

While there are cases where parents are narcissists or toxic to their children, more often than not, children who haven’t been horribly abused or neglected to the point of their safety are more or less, there to serve their own needs. A lot of abused and neglected children are still with their parents or having contact with them on a regular basis. How ironic is that?

All kids aren’t selfish or bad but, the ones who go to the extents of estranging themselves from their parents without true forms of abuse, neglect or safety, are staying away from their parents and justifying doing so because it’s what suits them or what’s easiest for them to do and be doing. It’s not rocket science or brain surgery to know that a child will seek out what they want first and foremost and if they can find that in someone else instead of you, they will go where their bread is buttered and life is good or at the least, easiest for them to go. Your child is no different. They are getting something out of their estrangement from and treatment of you.

Let’s get back to the first question now that was asked here.

“Do I really want the child my child has become back in my life as is?”

That answer is going to be individual and dependent upon your personal circumstances, of course but, suffice it to say that if you answered that you’d like your child back “as is” right now, you’re self-punishing in a sense. The child that you think that you want back in your life isn’t that child anymore or they wouldn’t have estranged from you in the first place. Think about that one for a moment. Would the child that you gave birth to or raised truly be doing this to you? Are you remembering your child as they were or as they are now? What kind of a child would do that to his/her parent(s)? The only child or children that I know of who would do this to their parents are those who are getting something else from something or someone else. To me, that’s a selfishness that isn’t something that anyone should want in their lives. Unless they were to wake up and realize how poorly they’ve treated you, I would think that most parents would NOT want that type of person as part of their lives.

From my little corner of life to yours, while I struggle daily with this issue, I also realize on a rational basis that my little darling isn’t the one I remember now. She’s someone I don’t recognize. The child I raised, loved and took care of, giving her everything that I could give to her and more (while sacrificing my own needs to fill her wants) wouldn’t do something like this. Can I blame the boyfriend she’s been living with for over 9 years now? Yes but, I’d be wrong in doing so. He’s a real mental health issue but, in speaking openly and honestly, I also see where my own daughter has her own flaws, faults and warts in all of this. Most of all, she’s using HIS brains and not her own. Were she to use her own thinking instead of his to justify what she’s doing to not only us but, herself as well, she’d be making an entirely different set of choices. Like I’ve said above though, she’s getting something from this situation or she wouldn’t be doing it. That’s just my thoughts on the matter. You have a right to your own.

Well, you’ve summed up my thoughts about this estrangement stuff perfectly. This is the conclusion I have come up with also. I do not want this person back in my life because she has shown me her heart, and what she is capable of doing to others. I will love the little girls I knew but they grew into women I cannot be friends with. They have weaponized innocent children in the process, Thats huge.

Karen, I’m so sorry that as a parent, we have to go through this type of thing. Not liking who our children have become because they are not like the child that we raised, is not comfortable in our feelings, is it? The sad thing is that these “kids” tend to demonize us as adults and turn us into The Devil Incarnate. Do they really feel that way? Well, they or someone that they are with as well as growing up years and Society have spun them into the people that they are today and they likely do believe their own stories that they’ve fabricated as well as being the people that they are today. HUGS XO