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Dear Sarah Chalke,How To Live With Your Parents? You’re better than this. I mean, Brad Garrett should have been your first tip off. I mean, he’s like a beacon of mediocrity. Let’s work on that.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Netflix,
Don’t you know you can’t play with people’s emotions like that?!?
Imagine my delight when I saw that you were streaming Rugrats.
Now, if you can, imagine my dismay when I saw that you were only streaming the lackluster seasons that were made after the Rugrats Movie.
How do you think that made me feel?!?
Lemme tell you what, y’all are messed up… playin’ with people’s emotions like that… gettin’ me all excited then just, like, crushing my dreams…
Ya know what, I’ll just be waiting by my computer for your apology. I would also accept an apology pizza… yeah, so what if it’s only 8:30 in the morning? Now you’re judging me, too?!? You’re trying my patience, Netflix…
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Animal Planet,
I’ve been a loyal viewer since, well, since as long as I can remember.
I mean, a channel that’s playing something other than the Superbowl on Superbowl Sunday?
And puppies no less! I mean, what’s not to love?
Still, I think you could stand to shake things up a little with your programming.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, the whole adorable animals thing is a gold mine. Oh, and animals fucking? (Not sure of the actual show title, but that’s at least the part that I pick up on) I mean, we’re talking programming genius! But maybe something a little less… exotic and something more in line with your viewing audience.
For instance, whenever I wake up in the morning, the dog (who sleeps by my side) gets up, readjusts, then sticks his nose firmly in my armpit and goes back to sleep. What’s that about?
I mean, I’m sure viewers would love to see a segment about a dog with an armpit fetish for some reason… okay, ya know what, now that I’m reading it out loud, yeah, you might wanna stick with your basic programming.
Sorry for wasting your time.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear woman on the train who spoiled Torchwood for me,
I don’t mean to be rude, but seriously, what the hell?
I know that the 9:30 train is always crowded, so it’s hard to not overhear a conversation that two people are having when you’re shoulder to shoulder.
I even understand interjecting a little something, like, “Oh yeah, I love that show” but what you did?
For those who weren’t there, let’s review the facts (spoiler-free).
Fact, crowded train makes it a whole helluva lot easier to overhear someone’s conversation.
Fact, I was discussing with a classmate how excited I was that I had finally broken down and bought Doctor Who and Torchwood considering I had never been able to finish either of them.
Fact, you then promptly ruined the ending of Torchwood for me, a fact I do not take lightly and may have some difficulty forgiving.
What is it about someone saying “oh yeah, I’ve never seen all of Torchwood” that makes someone think to themselves “Hmm… if he’s never seen it… and he’s talking about how he’s going to watch it, why don’t I just go ahead and tell him the ending?”
Seriously, what kind of twisted logic is that?
You oughta be ashamed of yourself.
As a man who takes his TV very seriously, it may take me some time to forgive you for this heinous transgression.
I’ll get back to you when I’ve decided to forgive you. Until then, try not to ruin anything else while I’m gone.
Sincerely,
Calhoun