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I Miss Her…

To say the relationship I have had with my mother was dysfunctional is an understatement, but I find myself at times missing her and I don’t understand why.

I don’t miss the bad things about her, the things that made say “enough is enough” and decide that having her apart of my life was no longer necessary. I miss our routine, if that makes sense, I’d call her on my lunch break and complain about work, she’d tell me not to worry. Or when I felt I couldn’t talk to my husband because he doesn’t understand what its like being everything to everyone and it seeming like no one cares or even tries to understand that I’m not superwoman, which is the case of every good mother and wife out there. She’d tell me it’s normal and to try not to take on so much and to have selfish moments to keep my sanity.

I just wonder how someone who can at moments give such good advice and seem like a caring nurturing person flip on you and be such an unnurturing person who almost doesn’t seem like they care about the hurt they’ve caused you and aren’t willing to even acknowledge it.

I don’t miss the pain and the constant guessing whether or not her love was real, but I miss the cheerleader she was to me. I mean she emotionally abused the shit out of me, but she didn’t play anyone else doing it. It’s almost comparable to Stockholm syndrome, is it unhealthy to miss a person whose caused you nothing but anguish and frustration? As much as I hate to admit it she was a better friend then she was a mother, but as I did then and still need now, mom is much better than friend on any day (a good mom that is). It’s wishful thinking, but I don’t think she will ever be truthful or acknowledge the things shes done to me, and I wish I were more like my brothers and could sweep things under the rug and just move on. I can’t, I know they say forgive and more forward, but forgiving and still constantly interacting with the person who has caused you pain is just too much especially when the person refuses to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused.

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3 thoughts on “I Miss Her…”

I don’t think it’s unhealthy to miss someone, even if they’ve hurt you badly; it’s only natural to miss someone with whom you’ve had a relationship, even if the relationship itself was unhealthy. I’ve always wondered about that whole “forgive and move forward” thing… it seems that forgiving and moving on with the abuser mainly benefits the abuser. Too many families take full advantage of this mentality that is so prevalent in society. They get to treat you however they please, and then the burden to forget the pain and “move on” always gets shoved onto you. I would think that this would actually keep one from truly moving on, as conditions remain the same with no hope for change in the environment.

Mothers are in such a unique position – they can be either one of our greatest sources of support, or one of our greatest sources of pain (or both, which can be so painful and confusing). That’s one of the worst things someone can do to their child – showing them just enough love to keep them coming back, but never enough for them to actually feel loved. I feel similarly about my mom – I always feel sorry for her because I know she’s sick, and I miss feeling like I’m part of a larger family unit. But with the emotional games she’s played, I feel at times like she’s a slot-machine instead of a mother. And yeah, being a woman (and especially a wife and mother) is very hard… it’s the exact thing that you need your mother’s love, support, and advice for. My mom would always brag about what a “good woman” she was, but wouldn’t teach me anything about becoming one, or navigating the pressures and injustices we experience. It feels unfair to me that one should suffer the pain of missing an abusive parent, but again, I don’t think it’s unhealthy… I think it’s because most people are naturally wired to want the love and attention that they so deserve from them, and to mourn the loss thereof.

I guess you could say it’s a catch 22, because I’m happy that you can relate to how I’m feeling but it also makes me sad that you can relate to how I’m feeling. You hit the nail on the head, giving enough love to keep us coming back is exactly the game that she’s played over the years. My brothers excuse it, but I decided I couldn’t and like you said I feel like I’m not part of the larger family unit. I always feel like the outsider and no one should feel that way about people they share dna with.

Yeah, it sucks. I know what you mean… I can’t ignore the things they do, and I never feel like I “fit in”. And families like this always try to make you feel like not fitting in is your own choice. But the difference is usually self-evident: you want things to change and improve, and it seems they want everything to stay the same (they want to keep making the same mistakes, to keep sweeping things under the rug, and to keep ignoring their problems). And the more you change/grow as a person, and the harder you work to improve your life, the less of a place there seems to be for you there. Honestly, whenever I step back and take a good look at my family, it’s uncomfortable (to say the least): it feels like they’re all partying on a sinking ship and getting offended that I don’t want to join them.