Other people are just dying from the heat, and come to find out they didn't even do the swimming portion of a triathlon, much less the biking or running portions. What's really going on?

What are the chances that a town named "Twinsburg" would also be the town that hosts an annual festival for twins? It has to be a million to one—or should I say a million to two? Haha. In that case you could also say 500,000 to one.

They finally figured out how to beat malaria: by making spermless mosquitoes. Until next week when the scientists come back and they're like "Hold on a minute, that doesn't beat malaria at all..." and all the female mosquitoes are like "Yoink! Thanks, scientists! Hahahaha!" The end of the story is that a scientist gets malaria, in his sperm.

Take this, soy mafia: turns out you can eat all the god damn soy you want and it still won't make your menopause symptoms any better. Only giving all of your money to a professional blogger will do that. Then afterwards maybe soy, sure, whatever.