Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2011 14:30:46 -0500
From: Aaron Saxon
Subject: Love - Chapter 1; gay male/high school
LOVE.
It's a four letter word I never thought I would know again.
My dad had just died and my best friend was moving away forever.
I was sitting up in my room with my head buried in my hands. Suddenly I
screamed out, "Why daddy? Why'd you have to leave me?"
My name is Sam Wainwright. I am 14 years old. I have mousy brown hair and
brown eyes, just like my dad. He used to say I looked like a younger
version have him.
I didn't know how I was supposed to go on. He had succumb to liver cancer
at the age of 35. My mom divorced my dad about 4 years ago when I was 10
and didn't want me. She never wanted me, but my father did. He always loved
me.
One of the last things I got to tell him before he went into the hospital
for the last time was that I was gay. He just sat and listened to me
intently, and with his gentle shaky hands, he reached out and held me
tight. "Son, I love you and I always will." "I love you too, dad." I cried
into his shoulder as he held me for several minutes. "I don't want to let
go, daddy, I'm not ready to say goodbye to you." He didn't say anything,
he'd already said I'd have to strong for Josh. Josh was my 10 year old
brother. He was staying at a friends house because we didn't want him to
see dad so sick. Little did I know that the next morning would be the last
time that either of us would see him alive.
There was a gentle knock on the door. "Can I come in?" Josh's gentle voice
asked me. "Sure kiddo," I said, fighting back tears. He entered my room
and came and sat next to me. He was still to young to understand what was
going on with me, but I knew somehow I had to help him through this. I
mean, stupid kids at school were already talking about `fags' and `gay
people' being gross, but it confused him. He didn't understand hate of any
kind. He was so open and loving just like our dad was.
I put my arm around him and we wept into each other for several minutes.
"Why'd he have to die?' Josh asked me. He looked so much like me when I was
10, which meant that he looked like dad as well. "I don't know," I cried
out. "I don't understand it any more than you do." I was feeling so lost
and confused and I knew that Josh was feeling the same way. Our mother had
moved away after the divorce and barely bothered with either of us since
then.
My father had a sister, our aunt Mary Hughes. She married my uncle Matt
when she was 24 and had been married for 6 years. She was 5 years younger
than my dad. Her hair was light brown with a hint of blonde in it from
their mom and she had the same brown eyes. She knocked on the door\. "Boys,
can I come in?" She asked. Meekly, we both said, "yes." She has a four old
son, our cousin Jacob. It was our father's last wishes that we go live with
her. They lived in Bedford, Oregon. I'd only been there once but didn't
remember it.
"How are you boys?" She asked snapping me out of my thoughts. We looked up
at her standing in front of us, our eyes puffy and blood shot. No words
exchanged hands, she just reached out and held us. My aunt didn't know
about me or so I thought, I would find out later that my father discussed
it with her. She didn't tell my uncle though, they thought it best to let
me tell him.
As for my best friend, well Jason told me the other day that his father got
a new job and they would be moving to Nebraska. I not only lost my dad but
now I was losing my best friend. I had told him too and he took the news ok
after having to think it over for a night. I had lost the two greatest
loves I'd ever known and I didn't know how to carry on.
I was a mess. Sure I loved my brother and my aunt, but it was nothing like
I felt like for my dad and my best friend. When everyone had left after
coming over for the wake, see my dad had many friends and admirers for
being a single father. We helped our aunt and uncle clean up. Tomorrow we
would have to begin to pack and try to pick up the pieces of our lives and
move on.
I really needed Jason right then but his family had already left. He knew
the address of where they were going to live, so he told me to write him
when I got settled.
That night, I couldn't sleep and neither could Josh, so we crawled into bed
together and just held each other. We would be doing a lot of that over the
next several months.
The next morning we awoke to movers already packing up our belongings. Our
aunt knew we couldn't give much up, so most of our stuff would be put into
storage or moved into our new home.
We said one final goodbye to our house, the house we grew up in as the four
of us pulled out of the driveway. The moving truck would follow all the way
there.
Our aunt and uncle tried to engage me several times, but I just sat in
silence the whole way there. I was holding Josh in my lap as he slept. He
was worn out and so was I, but I couldn't sleep.
Sometime in the early morning hours we pulled up to their large 4 bedroom
house. Two of those would be ours now and one belonged to them. It was
beautifully landscaped and had a green/gray stucco exterior.
I rubbed Josh's head lightly, whispering in his left ear, "We're here
buddy, it's time to wake up." He opened his eyes and looked up into mine. I
tried to smile, but it was fake and he knew it. He smiled warmly at me
anyway. I leaned down and kissed his forehead. I really did love him but I
just didn't know what I was going to do. I know that sounds selfish of me,
but I knew that because Josh was so young, he'd be ok.
They tried to get to talk and eat all day, I couldn't do that. Josh on the
other hand, did manage to eat some, but he wouldn't open up either, except
to me that is.
We spent the afternoon in my aunt's large back yard, throwing a old
football around. We didn't say much but it did make us feel normal again,
if only for a few hours.
Josh was having nightmares when he went to bed and ended up coming into my
room and crawling into bed with me. I liked that he felt he could do
that. We were wrapped up in each others love.
The one thing I was dreading is having to start school again. I wouldn't be
able to be in school with Josh since he was still in elementary school. I
started to shake against Josh as I was imagining the bullying and name
calling I would probably be receiving as a result of being the new kid. He
felt it an rubbed my arm gently. He opened his eyes and asked me what was
wrong. I said, "I'm scared, Josh." "Why?" Josh asked with a puzzled
look. Josh had always liked school. This was the moment of truth, do I try
to explain to Josh that I'm gay or do I continue to lie to him? He sat up
and looked down at me. He knew that something was bothering me. "You can
talk to me Sam." "I don't know that you'd understand buddy, you're still
awfully young."
He looked at me an scowled. "Try me," he said. I took a deep breathe and
said, "I'm gay." "What's gay?" Josh asked me confused. "Instead of liking
and dating girls, you like and date boys," I said. "Oh, that's cool," Josh
said. "I love you Sam." He leaned against me and we fell asleep.
"Wow," was all I could think when I woke up the next morning. I had told
Josh and he was ok with it. That was just like dad had taken it. I looked
up at the ceiling and said, "thanks dad, I love you."
I still didn't feel like talking much, but I did finally eat a bit. My aunt
just smiled at me. When I was finished, I took my plate in the kitchen to
her and told her that I told Josh I was gay. A worried look appeared on her
face. "How'd he take it? She asked. "How'd he take what?" My uncle asked as
he entered the kitchen with his plate. She kind of nodded at
me. "Um...uncle Matt, I don't know how to tell you this and I really wanted
to wait, but I'm gay." I tried to gauge his reaction, but I couldn't read
his face. He put his plate down and said, "I see." I stepped back from him
and leaned into my aunt for fear he might hit me. "I know a couple gay
people at work," he finally said. He put his arm on my shoulder and pulled
me into him. I nestled against his chest and began to sob. "It'll be
alright, son," he said. "Both your aunt and I love you boys." In my mind I
said, "thanks again, dad."
Now everyone knew. My aunt asked me again, "How did Josh take it?" "Just
like dad did." Just then Josh walked in and we held each other in a group
hug.
Now I had to try to deal with school. I decided to just go to class and
keep to myself, maybe then nobody would bother me. I was wrong.
I met with the principal with my aunt the next morning and then a guidance
counselor to discuss my classes for the rest of the year. It was half way
through the second semester of when I started. They were the usual classes
- English, Geometry, Gym, Biology, and Computer Science. She told me that
every student had a study break and of course a lunch period. She tried to
gauge my interest in sports or other extracurricular activities, but I
ignored her. I wasn't interested in ruffling any feathers.
The first two periods went by without a hitch, but as I was walking down
the hall to my third period class, I was hit from behind and hit the
floor. "Watch where you're going fag!" I heard as a group of boys walked
passed me. "How did he know?" I thought. I quickly gathered my books and go
to Geometry just as the bell rang.
I had lunch next, but I didn't feel much like eating so I just went and sat
outside. I saw a few of the older boys by the side of the building
smoking. I ignored them when I thought they saw me watching them. I sighed
deeply fighting back the sadness. The bell rang ending lunch.
Next was gym. That was the one period I was dreading the most. Even before
I entered the locker room, I saw the boy from earlier who had shoved me
down and called me `fag.' I managed to find a place in the locker room
where there was no one around. I quickly changed and waited for everyone
else to exit. I was going to try to get the gym teacher to let me sit out,
but he wasn't having it. Before I knew it, there was a ball hurling toward
me knocking me down. I rolled on my side and winced in pain. I knew this
boy was going to be a problem for me. The teacher ran over to me, helped me
up and took me to his office. He dismissed everyone else to the locker
room. He sat me down and asked my name. "San Wainwright, sir." I said. I
put my head in my hands and started to cry, I felt so helpless. "Do you
want to talk about it?" He asked me. "Not really. I don't know you and you
don't know me." "Can I just go, please?" He led me to his office door and
opened it. "If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I have a teenage son your
age too and I know what that can be like." "No, sir you have no idea." And
then I left. He had a puzzled look on his face.
My final period of the day was a study break. I found a table in the corner
away from everyone. I pulled out a book and pretended I was doing
homework. I couldn't concentrate so I shoved the stuff back in my back
pack. I put my head down and cried into my arms.
I didn't even hear the bell ring. The teacher came over to me and rubbed my
arm. "School is over now, it's time to go." I looked up, picked up my back
pack and ran from the room before she could question me. Some of the
teachers might've cared, but I wasn't interested in talking to anyone.
I ran to my locker, collected my things and ran out to my aunts car. Josh
was already with her. As I got closer to the car, I quickly grabbed my
side. She saw a tear rolling down my cheek. "What happened?" She asked
me. Angrily I said, "Nothing," and got in the car. We sat in silence all
the way home. When we pulled into the driveway, I flung the door open and
ran for the front door. I ran passed my uncle before he could engage me and
to my room. I laid on my bed on my left side facing the wall since my right
side was still hurting. I pulled my shirt up and noticed a rather large
bruise was forming where the ball had hit me. I touched it but quickly
removed my fingers wincing in pain. It really hurt.
No one could really understand. I am gay and being bullied at school. The
kind of love I got at home wouldn't be able to help me at school. My aunt
dotted over Jacob and Josh and probably over me too, if I'd have let
her. All I could think about was wanting to die. I just needed to figure
out how I was going to do it. I knew I needed to wait until I was alone at
home to do it. I was sitting at my computer looking for ways to kill
yourself. I saw everything from hanging yourself by a ceiling fan to taking
a bunch of pills and some rather gruesome ones, like slicing your wrists. I
knew that one was out.
I heard a knock on my door and turned off my computer screen. "Sam, Aunt
Mary wants you to come down and eat something." Josh said. I tried to
protest, but knew it wouldn't work.
First thing out of my mouth was, "I don't want to talk about it."
After dinner, I went back to my room and fell asleep. It was the first
night in weeks that I didn't have Josh sleeping next to me.
I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and decided that now was the
time to do it. I turned on my table light, got my belt and chair from my
desk. I wrapped my belt around the ceiling fan just like I saw online and
then around my thin neck. I kicked the chair from under my feet. It made a
loud thud on the floor and before I knew what was happening, my aunt was
holding me up by my legs screaming for my uncle. I had already lost
consciousness by the time he got me down.
I was rushed to the emergency room where iv's were administered and my
stomach was pumped just in case. I didn't wake up for about 36 hours.
I didn't want to face anyone, except my aunt, uncle and Josh were waiting
to hear about my condition.
This is where it gets kind of weird. While I was out, my father came to me
and told me it wasn't my time to go. I was crying against him telling him I
wanted to be with him, but he shot back again that God wasn't ready for
me. He said, "Let me show you something." I just nodded. He started off
with my childhood and showing him holding me as a baby. He then moved to my
first steps and then the first time we tossed a ball together. My first day
of school and then when I came out to him. The last thing I saw was my
funeral and in particular he I saw a boy I'd never seen. I heard the boy
say, "why did he have to die? I never had the chance to tell him how much I
loved him." "Daddy," I asked, "who is that boy? I don't know him." "I can't
tell who he is son, but if you don't wake up, you'll never find out." I
couldn't make out his face, but his voice was soft and he had dark
hair. "Son, it will be ok, I promise and I will be with you every step of
the way."
That was the last thing he said before I started to open my eyes. I was
groggy and still in a lot of pain. I didn't want to face my aunt and
uncle, let alone Josh. I had let them all down, what was I going to do now?
Josh was definitely angry when he entered my hospital room. He came over
and sat down beside me. "You really scared me, you know that? Don't ever do
that again," he said pointing his little index finger at me. Seeing me
break down, he lay down next to me and put his arm around my chest. We
slept next to each other until the next morning. When I woke up, I was
evaluated by a psychiatrist. He said I was definitely depressed and
recommended some treatment options to my aunt and uncle. They were all for
it, but I wanted to turn it down. So it was decided that I would come to
the hospital and see a psychiatrist twice a week for at least three months.
I felt even worse because this is just what I needed: to have it get around
school that I not only tried to kill myself out of grief but that I'm also
seeing a shrink? I'd be labeled a FREAK for sure.
The following week when I went back to school, the only thing they knew was
that I'd gotten violently sick and had to spend a few days in the
hospital. No one knew why, but it was suspected that I had an allergic
reaction to something. I was fine with that and thanked god for my aunt and
uncle keeping this a secret.
The same things happened as they did last week, with one exception, I
didn't get hit in the body. I was just hit in the arm, which hurt a lot
less.
I was so glad when Friday came around. I was sick of school and the
constant use of the word `fag'. Nobody knew that for sure and I was sure as
hell not going to let anyone know. Josh, on the other hand, was loving
school.
Next week I was going to begin my therapy. One hour twice a week after
school. If I wasn't going to talk to my aunt and uncle, they figured I
might to a total stranger. "Yea, right", I thought to myself.
At dinner Friday night I told my aunt and uncle that I was sorry. "I've
been a mess since dad died and Jason left." They comforted me as best they
could and I hugged Josh.
Saturday and Sunday Josh and I played video games all day. It felt nice to
hang out with my little brother, but I knew it wouldn't last forever. He
would eventually start making friends and I'd be left alone. I resided
myself to that fact.
Monday morning came and I started my therapy today. I was not looking
forward to either.
In English Class, the teacher gave us an assignment and said that we could
work in pairs. Of course, I opted to work by myself. I knew the teachers
were noticing that I was not interacting with the kids in my class. Little
did they know I was closely guarding my secret. Math Class was the same
way, work in pairs, again I opted to work by myself.
I decided to skip gym class and went to the library. I couldn't face that
jerk. I now knew his name was Eric Johnson. He is on the freshman football
team and big man on campus. I did get called to the principal's office but
given that I was just in the hospital, she gave me a one time pass, but she
said if I did it again, she would be forced to give me detention.