2/04/2011

Nine (or So) Ways to Celebrate the Centennial of Ronald Reagan:Yes, sir, it's time to break out the bowls of jelly beans and the VHS copy of King's Row. Check your horoscope to make sure it's cool because we gotsta, gotsta, gotsta have ourselves a big ol' Gipperfest this weekend. It's the centennial o' the birth o' the greatest President that ever Presidented in Presidentin' history. Ronald Reagan, motherfuckers. The man who knocked down the Berlin Wall with a single swing of his mighty dick while finger-fucking Margaret Thatcher and taking a shit on Grenada. He would have been 100 years old had he lived to see this coming Sunday, but who needs the birthday boy when you can have all the cake you want?

Fuck, yeah, let's drag his bones outta the ground so we can grind them up and freebase the dust so that we can shoot it straight into our veins so we can feel some of that Reagan morning in America high one more time, fuckin' A, that shit's like the finest heroin. You get that in ya and you feel that brief buzz, that warmth and delusion of goodness and rightness that tricks your brain into believing that the high is reality and reality is just the buzzkill. No wonder Republicans are addicted to it. No wonder so many Democrats wanna get stoned on it, too.

You can come up with your own ways to celebrate that don't involve shooting up. Like:

1. Go to Best Buy and max out your credit cards on the most extravagant, useless shit you can find, like 3-D TVs and smart phones that you can implant in your brain so you can only think in Google searches and text messages. Make sure it's expensive. Then, when you're tens of thousands of dollars in debt, make sure you die so that your kids have to pay for all of it.

2. If you're pissed off at your neighbor, but he's an ex-boxer, go to the local day care center and kick the asses of the children there. Declare that you win, even if no one knows what you were fighting for.

3. Do the following to the local homeless people: Take their coats and shoes. Punch them repeatedly in the stomach. Give crack to their kids. Pawn their shopping cart of possessions. Give the money to the richest family in town. When a homeless woman asks for a coat because it's cold, accuse her of being both lazy and a thief. And set her war-vet husband on fire.

4. When Jehovah's Witnesses come to your house, invite them in. Tell them that they can stay as long as they like. Tell them that you want them to be happy. Promise to bring all your friends over to meet them. And when you move out, tell them that, even if someone new moves in, they can stay.

5. If you have an STD, especially herpes, genital warts, and/or crabs, fuck people from the following nations: Nicaragua, El Salvador, Iraq, Afghanistan, Chile, and, if you have time, someone black from South Africa. Do not tell them about your disease(s). Let them figure it out for themselves.

6. Ignore the illness one of your kids has. If it spreads to your other kids, blame the first child. If your spouse tries to take them to the doctor, divorce him/her.

7. When your favorite team wins the Super Bowl, convince everyone that it was because you bought their t-shirt. If anyone says that is a ridiculous assumption, call them traitors to the team.

8. If you have a job where you drive a bus or pilot a plane, one where the lives of people are immediately in your hands, beat your head against the wall until you don't know who you are or where you're going. Then go to work.

9. Gather your family. Tell everyone that they need to give a little of their money to support the household. Tell your kids that they are going to get less of an allowance so that the pain is spread evenly. Cancel Christmas for everyone but you. See #1.

(Bonus way to celebrate: Read the Rude Pundit's "tribute" to Reagan upon his death in 2004. It's the finest way to skullfuck the memory of the awful, cruel, incompetent puppet of a man who set the nation on its current path to doom and demise.)