How To Make the Perfect Smoothie

The Value of Trial and Error

When I was 16, I got my first job at a Starbucks kiosk in a busy food court in a busy outlet mall. I’d applied for the position of a cashier because I had a friend who worked there and enjoyed it – they quit before I applied, and never told me, and then for reasons I’m still unaware of but grateful to, I was placed in the kiosk alongside a cast of characters who taught me almost everything I know about life. No, that’s a joke, but they did teach me a lot about making it work in a four-by-four kiosk handling hot beverages in close proximity of four other people in a food court without AC in July in Virginia. Mostly, this consisted of maintaining a good attitude and getting it done right the first time. And, spoilers, getting it done right the first time means a lot of practice.

I didn’t drink coffee. I thought it was gross. I never expected to work at a Starbucks. So I messed up (and ended up drinking) a lot of smoothies. It was that, or Agnes would pour it down the drain, chide me for trying to sneak the weird drink to a customer behind her back, and make me make another Mocha Cookie Crumble.

Anyway, I quit that job, but I’d made enough non-coffee based drinks in a blender to know how much ice goes with how much milk, and I never liked vegetables, so my college lunge towards adulting included – like many people’s do – a bunch of smoothies. And I got really good at it, because I’d been doing it for a long time. And here I am now, trying to get an entry-level P.A. gig in a new city across an entire continent from anywhere I’ve ever lived, and long story short, I feel like I’m 16 again except this time I’m not malnourished because I drink a bunch of smoothies. In LA it’s nice to have something cold that isn’t always water, and who has time for actual literal cups of fruit? So here’s my long-winded life-saving smoothie recipe.

Em Westheimer is a director for both theater and film. They use they/them pronouns.

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