On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid 12 dollars to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.

8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.(why wait that long)2) Thou shall not do drugs.(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.(Walmart has a bigger selection)4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.(everyone knows grandma has more money)6) Thou shall not get into fights.(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)7) Thou shall not skip class.(just take the whole day off)8) Thou shall not strip in class.(Hooters pays more)9) Thou shall not think about having sex.(like Nike says, "just do it")10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.(just leave'm in the middle)

Bella is a tattoo artist is Seattle, she has a addiction to all things sex. Edward just moved to Seattle with his sisters and is into the tattoo scene even though his body is bare. Rated M for language, lemons/sexual references, etc.

One rainy night and a bit of bad luck has two complete strangers thrown together in a chance encounter. Bitter by an unfaithful wife Edward runs away to New York where he takes in an unlikely companion with a questionable occupation. Pretty Woman AU/AH,

Bored with their dismal love lives, best friends Edward and Bella come up with the idea of exploring the world of sex using the alphabet for the next twenty-six weekends. What happens when things go from two friends having fun to something serious? AH OOC

5 years after Breaking Dawn, both Edward and Bella and the recent married Jessica and Mike end up on Wife Swap. What will happen? Does Mike still love Bella? how can the Cullens possibly hide they're secret with Jessica around? And who's James?

Sequel to Not What She Seems. Bella and Edward have been searching for their daughter for years, looking in every country. But when they have their "wedding" Tanya and her clan come to visit bringing a certain someone. Rated T for language.

Bella,Alice & Rosalie are violent, moody, bad girl best friends in a punk band called "Royally Screwed." Edward,Jasper & Emmett are the new bad boys in school. When they meet, Forks High becomes their battle ground. AU-some human, some not. R&R !

Collaboration with KatieBelleCullen - Manwhore Edward bets Emmett that he can remain abstinent for 40 days and nights;that was before the vixen Bella moved to Forks and set her sights on the delectable Edward Cullen. AU/OOC. M for EXTREME SMUT/PROFANITY

Bella and Alice love life at college, they are best friends and have a great apartment. Then Bella finds out she is pregnant from a one night stand with Alice's cousin.. Edward! Rated M for chp 17! I do not own twilight or the Characters, all human.

AU:Bella is living with Charlie in Forks. But he's abusing her and his fiancee, Esme. The Cullens move to town, and theres a chance the secret might be revealed.Canon. DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT STEPHENIE MEYER :CHANGED PENNAME FORMERLY somethin' to believe in

*Complete* What started off as a joke turned into the game of a lifetime. Who would survive the questioning and what surprises do the Cullen's have in store for each other? Rated M for language, suggestive themes, ect. Cannon pairings. OOC at times. R&R.

Edward and Bella meet at the bar one night, each mending their own broken heart. Some shots of tequila and a night of hot sex later, what will happen? Will they fall in love or fall apart? Re-write of ArmyWife by SwayintheMoonlight.Taken with permission

The Three Musketeers and their new companion have stopped at a tavern to drown their woes and bask in the company of some very willing women. In the process, their new companion gets a much needed lesson in the manly art of wenching. SMUTx4

A true-to-the-story account of each of the original seven members of the Cullen family meeting Carlisle, joining the coven, and experiencing true family for the first time. Special extended Jasper and Alice scene now included, as requested!

NC-17 One-Shot! Bella, being engrossed in a happily fulfilling, if conventional relationship, returns home one evening to find a side of Edward she's never seen before... a side we like to call: Domward. Written solely for my bb antiaol. NC-17/MA

DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU READ THE FIRST ONE! THIS IS THE SEQUEL. Last time we saw Melody her parents left her in an orphanage. But what will happen to Bella and Edward's precious Melody when she comes back? How will they hide the secrets? Drama. COMPLETE!

Edward and the others left Forks leaving a pregnant Bella. Now 14 years later Bella has died of cancer and now her daughter is going to Forks highschool to meet the most unlikely people that has come back to make her life complicated. Complete, amazingly

It is Post Breaking Dawn, and Bella is changed, and married to Edward. Charlie finds out that Bella is a vampire, but no one believes him. They take him to the hospital and put him under the care of the skilled Dr. Dover! Fun ensues :

—”My Miracle, My Angel” Sequel!— As Edward readies his baseball bat and Bella prepares ”the talk”, Arianna braves her first year of high school. Life isn't easy as a half-vampire teenager, though ... especially when you're in love with a Vampire Hunter.

Edward wants to make sure Bella doesn't miss out on any of life's important moments. Bella's only got the one request. The Cullen clan take it upon themselves to make sure Bella doesn't miss a thing. Pure fluff.

My name is Bella Swan, and I'm pregnant. My fiancé is overprotective, and won't even let me walk up the stairs alone. So what could possibly go wrong? Mood swings, cravings and name games, to name a few. — WINNER of 4 Twilight Awards! WRITTEN BEFORE BD!

Fluff! Again! Twilight, Valentine's Day. Three weeks after the Tyler's Van incident, Bella Swan finds herself on the radar for many a suitor. But who in the world keeps leaving her roses in the most impossible places? BellaEdward Fluffic! Series