Zelda ArtThe Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time

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Okay, so I had an old story that was called the Legend of Rina. Guess what happened to it? The computer it was on crashed and the data is lost forever.

So I started a new story on my mom's laptop.

Be aware that this story is pretty much %100 parody. So don't get all angry.

And just so you know, this story is FINISHED. Completely. I'm working on the next one right now.

Please read this. I'm proud of it and most of my stories are ignored.

This first chapter is not one of the best. Don't expect the whole story to be like this.

One more thing: I wrote this before the Son of Neptune came out, as it is mentioned in the story.

The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 1: The First Adventure

“I have been protecting this forest for a heck long time. I’m 400 years old, and I’m a tree. You have no idea how annoying it is to be in one place your whole entire life. AHEM. Anyway, I’m the Deku Tree and I protect the forest because you can’t trust a bunch of children to take care of themselves,” a tree said. “Those kids are called the Kokiri. Some are sweet and nice and some are a pain in the butt to deal with. Each of the Kokiri have guardian fairies to protect them while I’m sleeping, being lazy or for any other reason. Stupidly, the fairies belonging to the annoying Kokiri are just the same and don’t help much, but it’s too late for me to take them away, as they are all so attached to them. However…” the Deku Tree paused. “… there is one boy without a fairy.”

Navi, the blue fairy, flew up to him. “Really? Where art thou?” she asked disbelievingly.

“Quiet. I need you to be the fairy of the boy without a fairy.”

“Why does it have to be me?”

“BECAUSE I SAID SO. NOW GO GET HIM.”

“Eep!” Navi flew away in a flash and into the village.

Ironically, even though Link was the only one living off the ground (you needed a ladder to get into his house), it took Navi ten minutes to find his house.

“Hey,” Navi started. “Wake up!” She smacked Link in the face.

“AHH!! BURGLAR!!” Link screamed. He picked up his pillow and started trying to beat Navi with it. She took the pillow from him and hit him again. “Huh? What?”

“I’m Navi your guardian fairy.”

“Really?! I can finally have all my wishes granted!”

“No, you idiot! Fairies in this game don’t grant wishes.”

Link snapped his fingers, “Dang it.”

“Come on, we have to go see the Deku Tree. Now.” Navi dragged Link out the door and tossed him off the porch.

“AUGH! MY SPLEEN!!” Link screamed.

“Link! Are you okay?” Saria gasped, running up to him quickly.

“Nope!”

“Honestly…” Navi muttered. “Now come on, we have to go see the Deku Tree no matter what stands in our path.”

-
-

“Stop right there!” Mido yelled. “Have you some king of business with the Deku Tree?”

“Yes,” Navi said.

“Well too bad! You ain’t going one step past this point!” Mido paused. “…*Unless you are to get a sword and shield!”

“So that we can kill you?”

“Yes! I mean, no! If you can get a sword and shield I will let you pass.”

“Fine.”

-
-

“HELP!! THE BOULDER JUST BROKE FIVE OF MY BONES!” Link screamed.

After sending Link to the hospital, he returned to the tunnel and obtained the Kokiri Sword.

Link got the Kokiri Sword!

Afterwards, Link headed to the Kokiri Store.

“Hello there, Link! Would you like to buy something? I have this girly pink hat!” the store owner pointed to a cap. “I also have this yellow glow stick, a dirty spoon, a broken cell phone, a stolen pair of ripped boots, and a copy of the Lost Hero--”

“Really?!” Navi gasped. “I’ve been looking for a copy of that book forever! It’s really hard to get books when there isn’t a book store or library nearby!”

“--In Korean.”

“Really? Are you serious? Korean? Do you seriously think that anybody in this forest can speak Korean, or even bother buying a book in that language?”

Suddenly a Kokiri walked in. “Hello there, store keeper! I heard you have a copy of the Lost Hero in Korean! May I buy it? I can speak Korean!”

Navi sighed.

Once the Kokiri left with his new copy of the Lost Hero in Korean…

“Can I buy a Deku shield?” Link finally asked.

“That will be 40 rupees!” the store owner answered.

Link stared into his wallet. No rupees. He stared wide eyed at it. “Do you mind looking that way while I steal one?”

“No problem!” the store keeper looked at the wall while Link took a Deku Shield and skipped out of the store. Navi face palmed.

“I swear, there isn’t a single smart person in this forest except for Saria. I can’t believe that guy was selling a copy of the Lost Hero in Korean. I have to hurry up and read that book before The Son of Neptune comes out.”

“Up ahead, my brothers are guarding the entrance to a door. They won’t let you by unless you strike them in a certain order.”

“I’ll get the sleeping bags!” Link picked up some sticks.

“The order is 231! I’m not telling you again so remember it.”

“Do we have tents?”

“SHUT UP, LINK!” Navi screamed at Link. “WE AREN’T GOING CAMPING!”

-
-

“Look! A river!” Link jumped into a hole and into the pool below.

“Goodness, Link, you need medical help or something.”

“Hehehe! Do you have any more shiny cookies?”

“I think you had too much sugar this morning!”

“I ate two cupcakes, a pie, an entire box of cream puffs and a full bottle of soda.”

“I wonder what he’s like when he’s not on a sugar rush…”

“COOKIE!!” Link ran into a wall. “The blue moss hauuuunts me.” Link tilted his head and his eye twitched.

“Okay, that was just creepy,” Navi muttered.

“Blue moss gives you random hallucinations.”

“Isn’t that from Phineas and Ferb?”

“Yep.”

Link glanced at the Deku Scrubs furiously trying to shoot nuts at him, but failing horribly.

“Look! Bakers!” Link exclaimed. He ran over to them, but they hid in their flowers. “HEY!! COME OUT SO I CAN EAT ALL YOUR SHINY COOKIES!!” Link pulled up the flowers, but the Deku Scrubs somehow remained in the ground.

“Oh snap!” one of the Deku Scrubs yelled. “Now we’re stuck in the ground!”

“GIMME YER COOKIES!!” Link stomped on each of their heads.

“We don’t have any cookies!” the second Deku Scrub told him.

“COOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKIIIIIESS!!!”

Fortunately, Navi found a frying pan on the ground and hit Link with it.

“Oh, thank Farore you did that,” the first Deku Scrub said.

“He’s on a serious sugar rush and is randomly hallucinating, so he’s a bit crazy right now,” Navi explained.

“Oh. No wonder.”

-
-

“EEK OMG SPIDER!! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!” Link screamed and ran around in circles when he saw Gohma.

“Use your slingshot!” Navi told him. So Link tossed his slingshot at Gohma. “That’s not what I meant!”

But it happened to hit Gohma’s eye and killed it. Gohma fell to the ground and disintegrated. Afterwards, a blue light and a Heart Container appeared.

Link got a Heart Container!

-
-

“LOL OH HAI GREAT DEKU TREE!!” Link yelled so loud that everyone in the forest had to cover their ears as it echoed for five minutes. Then Link fell asleep.

“That was awfully loud!” the Deku Tree stated.

“At least he’s finally lost all his energy from being on a sugar rush,” Navi said.

“Well, now that you’ve finished, I might as well tell you that you did that for nothing and that I’m going to die anyway because I was doomed before you started.”

“SAY WHAT?”

“Look at the bright side! At least you get a prize.”

“Wut?” Link said, getting immediantly up from his sleep. The Kokiri Emerald dropped on his head.

Zoldyck family assassin

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Thank you! I'm sorry I just forgot about the whole percent thing. I wasn't thinking about that

Can somebody tell me why a * always appears whenever I put words after a "…"

The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 2: You Can’t Buy a Spiritual Stone

Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link started his journey, Navi became his fairy and Saria joined him.

Now for Chapter Two.

“WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE PRINCESS, THE WONDERFUL PRINCESS OF HYRUUUUUUULE!!!” Link sang, very horribly and off key.

“So where are we going?” Saria asked Navi.

“Hyrule Castle. The Great Deku Tree told us to.”

“What for?”

“To see the princess or something. And you should probably know that the Great Deku Tree died.”

“What?!”

“I DIDN’T MURDUR HIM!!” Link cried. “HE DIED OF OLD AGE!”

“No he didn’t! He died of a curse! Hey wait, which reminds me, now that he’s dead, I can get all his money! Better do it before Mido gets it…” Navi flew back into the forest quickly and came out with loads of cash. “Just like that and we’re rich!”

“I’m going to give you pointless information that either is totally useless or makes no sense at all!”

“Do you actually have any information that will help us?” Navi questioned.

“Nope! To save the game, pause the game and press B! Then select Yes using the Control Stick! To pause the game, press the pause button located in the middle of your controller! It’s the smallest button! To equip items, pause the game and move the cursor over an item and use the C-Stick to equip it! But you probably already know that because you’ve beaten one dungeon already. Which reminds me! In a dungeon, you should make sure that you bring enough fairies or health replanishing items in your bottles so that you don’t die! To find fairies, go to a Fairy Fountain and steal them from their home! When you die, the fairies with bring you back to life against their will! Which also reminds me of the time my mother forced me to eat turkey against my will! Doesn’t she know I’m a vegetarian? Which also reminds me! People eat turkey on Thanksgiving! Which also reminds me, that one time on Thanksgiving we have the Bobsons over for the feast! Turns out, they were all allergic to turkey so they had to go to the doctor! Which reminds me of the first time I went to the doctor because--”

“If he flies away every time he finds out he gave away helpful information, all I have to say is that something was helpful and he’ll leave us alone!”

“Look! A peacock!” Link suddenly exclaimed. The peacock Link randomly spotted turned into a tiny airplane that picked Link and Saria up and dropped them in Hyrule Castle Courtyard.

“What? I was hoping that we’d have to sneak into the castle,” Saria muttered. “But I guess this was better because Link would never be able to sneak into the castle, knowing him.”

“HI THERE PRINCESS!!” Link greeted.

“EEEK!!!” Princess Zelda screamed. For some reason, she had a piece of paper in her hand. “What the crap are you doing here?!”

“I honestly don’t know,” Navi said. “The Great Deku Tree told us nothing, he just gave us some shiny green rock.”

“… The Spiritual Stone of the Forest, the Kokiri’s Emerald? You have it?”

“Umm…*Yes?”

“Just as I thought! Now you have to listen to my long story! I had a dream…”

By the time Zelda’s long and boring story was over, Link, Saria and Navi were already gone and the piece of paper in her hand was gone.

“…*What the crap?”

-
-

“Wow, it was lucky that Zelda happened to be holding that piece of paper with everything to do on it so we wouldn’t have to listen to her long boring speech,” Saria stated. “According to the paper, we have to go to Death Mountain for the Goron Ruby.”

“TO DEATH MOUNTAIN YAY!!” Link yelled. He started skipping to Kakariko Village, but tripped over a root even though there were no trees around.

“Okaaaay…” Navi said.

-
-

“YAY KARARIKA VILLAGE!!” Link cheered.

“Kakariko,” Navi corrected.

“YAY KOKORIKA VILLAGE!!”

“KAKARIKO!”

“YAY KAKAKAKAKOKOKOKO VILLAGE!!”

Navi face palmed.

“I have a sudden urge to go graverobbing!” Saria exclaimed and ran to the graveyard. She crashed into a weird running carpenter. “WHAT THE MUFFIN ARE YOU DOING! GET OUT OF MY WAY!” Saria stomped on the carpenter’s foot. He kept running like nothing happened.

“This is officially the weirdest day of my entire life…” Navi mumbled.

-
-

“WE’RE GOING GRAVEROBBING!” Saria yelled, picking up a shovel.

“AWESOME!” Link shouted, also picking up a shovel. Saria went over to one of the graves.

“Don’t mess with the graves! I’ll tell Dampé!” a kid walking around in the graveyard said.

“SHADDAP!” Saria yelled at the kid. She tried to pull the grave back again.

“Don’t mess with the graves! I’ll tell Dampé!”

No matter what Saria did, she could not pull the grave because whenever the kid said that, she automatically let go of the grave.

Saria kicked the grave, “DANG IT!”

“Ooh! Let’s rob this one!” Link exclaimed, pointing to the Royal Family grave.

“Weren’t you paying attention? We can’t do it with that kid around.” Saria paused. “Wait…”

“It was written on the paper,” Saria replied. She jumped into the hole and came out a minute later with blood stains. “Don’t worry, it’s not mine. I learned a new song that makes it night time!” Saria played the Sun’s Song on her ocarina and it instantly became night.

“Hey! The kid isn’t there anymore!” Link exclaimed. He pulled one of the graves. “Ooh! We can go into this one too!”

“Yippee!” Saria leaped into the hole and came out with two Hylian Shields. She tossed one to Link. Even though he saw it coming, it hit him in the face.

Link pulled back another grave, “Ooh! Here’s another one we can go into!”

“Can we go into all of them?” Saria jumped into that one and came out with a Heart Piece.

Saria got a Heart Piece!

“Duh.”

Link pulled on another grave. This time there was no hole, but instead a Poe appeared.

“OH CRAP!” Link screamed.

“GHOST!! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!” Saria yelled. The Poe stood no chance and was taken down before it could blink.

“When did you take my sword?” Link asked.

“Since the beginning of the chapter.”

“I think it might be better trusted in her hands, somehow,” Navi said.

-
-

“ABSOLUTELY NOT!!” the guard yelled when Link tried to get through the gate.

“Why not?” Link asked.

“It’s called Death Mountain! Why would you want to go there?!”

“Because the princess told us to!”

“Actually, we took a piece of paper--” Navi started, but Saria swatted her to get her to be quiet.

“Right…” the guard replied.

“No! Seriously!” Link insisted. He gave the guard the piece of paper.

“Hmm…*Surely this is Princess Zelda’s handwriting… Oh, fine. You can pass.” The guard hit his spear on the ground and the gate opened.

“EEK! Magic gate!” Link hid behind Saria.

“Actually, there’s a button on the bottom of my spear.”

“It was pressed on the ground before,” Navi stated.

“It only works if it goes in and then out.”

“But then you’d never be able to lift your spear again if you didn’t want anybody to go back there.”

“DO YOU WANT TO GO UP THE MOUNTAIN OR NOT?!”

“Okay, okay!”

-
-

“EEK! Talking rock!” Link shrieked once he saw a Goron.

“Link, that’s a Goron,” Navi told him.

“Gorons are talking rocks?”

“Kind of?”

“I TAKE THAT OFFENSIVELY!” the Goron yelled.

“Sorry! That’s not what I meant! It would just get him to be quiet faster!”

“I STILL TAKE THAT OFFENSIVELY!”

Knowing what was best, Saria, Link and Navi ran for their lives.

-
-

“HEY! What are you doing in my apartment!?” Darunia demanded when the three entered the room.

“Apartment?” Navi asked. “Don’t you mean room?”

“ANSWER THE QUESTION!”

Then Saria suddenly played Saria’s Song and Darunia began dancing wildly in a way that isn’t humanly possible.

“…” Navi stared. “That was sudden.”

“I saw a Goron dancing outside a pathway with that song coming out of it, so I figured something would happen if I played it for him.”

“DUDE THAT’S LIKE TOTALLY HOT!” Darunia yelled and continued dancing for another five minutes.

“How long can he dance?” Saria asked.

Finally, Darunia stopped dancing, “Dude, that was like, awesome. I just heard the song and I had a sudden urge to dance like crazy! So what’s up?”

“Spiritual Stone of Fire,” Navi said.

“Oh, that thing? I ate it yesterday.”

Silence.

“YOU WHAT?!” Saria screamed, drawing her/Link’s sword.

“Hey! I’m just kidding!” Darunia said.

“Why would you joke about such a thing?!”

“Whatever. Y’see, the Spiritual Stone of Fire, the Goron Ruby, is the most important thing to us Gorons! I’m not giving it to you for free, y’know.”

“Oh, is that so?” Saria took out her wallet.

“I mean, you’d need to do some big favor in order for me to give it to you.”

“A big favor? Like give you cash?”

“No! Look kid, did you see a giant boulder on the way up here?”

“Yeah.”

“Behind that rock is our food storage! We’ve gotten so used to the rocks in there that we won’t eat anything else! One day though, an evil man appeared, filled it with Dodongoes and sealed it with a boulder because I didn’t let him have the same thing you want. If you blow up that boulder and destroy the Dodongoes, I’ll give you the stone!”

“Yeah yeah, I know the first part,” Link said. Saria glanced at him and raised an eyebrow.

“Can’t we just do this the easy way?” Navi asked. “Let us buy it from you?”

“WE’RE STARVING TO DEATH FOR YOUR INFORMATION! YOU CAN’T BUY THE STONE!”

“But if we buy the stone from you, you’ll have enough money to go to the supermarket and buy more food.”

“I hope you know that people don’t sell rocks at the supermarket.”

“Okay, then if you can’t do that, why couldn’t you just have thought of eating the rock that’s blocking the entrance?”

“I told you that we only ate the ones in Dodongo’s Cavern!”

“But if you were that hungry, you’d eat the rock blocking the entrance.”

“Once a Goron tried to eat the rock. He said it tasted so horrible that he was about to pass out. Just take these things that let you pick up bomb flowers and get out of my room.”

Link and Saria got Power Bracelets!

“Wait, so what are we doing again?” Saria asked. “I wasn’t listening, I was focusing to much on the bribing.”

“MUST I EXPLAIN IT AGAIN?!” Darunia yelled.

“No, you don’t need to!” Link said. “We have to go blow up the boulder blocking Dodongo’s Cavern and kill all of the Dodongos so the Gorons can eat food again!”

“You were listening?” Navi gasped.

“Nah.”

Navi and Saria stared confusingly.

-
-

I could post multiple chapters at a time, but that is kind of a pain because I have to check over the story and make sure it looks okay.

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Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link tried to eat a rock, Navi corrected Link’s stupid mistakes, Saria went graverobbing, and Gabe, the talking owl, began to stalk them.

Now for Chapter Three.

“BLOW UP THE ROCK!!” Saria yelled. She chucked a bomb over the edge of the cliff and blew up the rock blocking the way to Dodongo’s Cavern. The sign next to it blew up as well. “MEH HE HE HE HE HE HE!”

So Link, Navi and a very crazy Saria entered into the cavern.

“BLOW UP THE WALL!!” Saria threw a bomb flower at the wall and it exploded, going into the cavern. “MEH HE HE HE HE HE HE!”

“Well someone’s hyper today,” Navi stated.

“Who’s hyper?” Saria asked, holding a half empty bottle of Pepsi.

-
-

“BLOW UP THE LIZARDS!!” Saria yelled. She paused. “…*Dang it! No bomb flowers in here… STAB THE LIZARDS!” Saria stabbed the lizards and killed them both immediantly. “MEH HE HE HE HE HE HE!”

“Yay!” Link cheered.

Navi sighed.

-
-

“BOMB THE DODONGOES!” Saria shouted and threw a bomb at a Dodongo. The Dodongo swallowed it and died. “MEH HE HE HE HE HE HE HE!!”

“How is Saria being here supposed to make this easier again?” Navi muttered.

-
-

“GIIIIIIAAAANT DODONGOO!!! EXTERMINATE IT!!” Saria screamed. She began chucking bombs at it non-stop. They all landed in its mouth, killing it because of all the explosions. “HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!” Saria began laughing uncontrollably.

King Dodongo rolled into the lava and the lava hardened. A Heart Container and a blue light appeared.

“YAAAY!!” Link cheered. “We did it!”

Link got a Heart Container!

“You two need some water…” Navi mumbled.

-
-

“You did it, kids!” Darunia exclaimed when the three exited the cavern. “Take this!”

Saria got the Goron’s Ruby!

“Two down, one to go!” Saria said.

“You should also go see the Great Fairy on top of Death Mountain! She’ll surely help you!” Darunia told them.

Two Gorons fell down beside Darunia, “TIME FOR A BIG OL’ GORON HUG!!” they both said.

“AHH!!!” Link and Saria screamed.

-
-

“I don’t wanna go in!” Link insisted once they got to the top of Death Mountain. “What if the Great Fairy is ugly?”

“She’s the Great Fairy,” Navi said. “She’s not going to be ugly.”

So the three entered. The Great Fairy came out of the fountain.

“EEEEEEK!!” Saria screamed. “She’s hideous!”

“My poor eyes!” Navi yelled.

“THE NUDITY IS BLINDING ME!” Link shouted.

“Hello! I’m the Great Fairy of Power!” the Great Fairy greeted. “I’m going to give to magic power!”

“Make it snappy because I can’t look at you anymore!” Navi said.

Link and Saria got Magic Power!

“A friend of mine is at Hyrule Castle! You should go see her!” Then the three dashed out immediantly. They found Gabe sitting on a sign next to the cave.

“Oh, and what do you want?” Saria asked.

“Actually, I was going to give you a ride down the mountain, but since you never arrived at Hyrule Castle, I’m not giving you one,” Gabe replied.

“Yes we did, we just got dropped in by a plane rather than whatever path you were on,” Navi said.

“Neither did you show up at the Lost Woods when you were supposed to go learn Saria’s Song!”

“Saria is with us, that’s why we didn’t go.”

“I’m still not giving you a ride. It’s part of my contract that if you skip one of my speeches, I don’t help you in return.”

“SCREW THE CONTRAT, I HAVE BOMBS!” Saria yelled.

“Screw you, I can fly!”

Saria hissed at him and drew her sword, “I will do it!” Saria inched closer and closer to Gabe.

“Okay okay okay! But I might get fired!”

“Serves you right!”

-
-

“But I don’t want to do any side quests!” Link complained.

“Come on Link, it won’t hurt to do a few,” Navi said. “We should take a little break from gathering the stones.”

“We’ve only actually travelled to get one,” Saria stated, drinking a can of Coco-Cola.

“I don’t care, you weren’t here for the first one. And who knows what we might have to do for the next stone!”

“Whatever…”

-
-

So first, Link gathered up the cuccos for Anju. He approached her with a handful of cuccos.

“I finally… got them all…” Link breathed and threw them all into the pen.

“Good job! Now take this reward!” Anju said.

Link got a Bottle!

“Are you kidding me?” Link asked. “I worked for an hour trying to get all those cuccos and all I get is a bottle?”

“Yep!” Anju replied.

“Gah! How did that cucco get inside that sealed box anyway?!”

-
-

Next, Link, Saria and Navi went to the Lon Lon Ranch.

“Lon Lon Ranch?” Saria read the sign. “Does that mean there are cheeseburgers here? Most of their ingrediants come from ranch related items.”

“I am pretty hungry,” Link said.

“Me too,” Navi added. They walked into the house. “Hi there! We’d like to order…”

They all paused.

The house was full of cuccos. No humans in sight.

“…*Maybe we went into the wrong building…” Link stated.

-
-

“Excuse me sir!” Link called to Ingo. “Are you the owner of the ranch?”

“I wish,” Ingo replied. “The owner has been gone for a week now. He left to deliver milk to Hyrule Castle and hasn’t come back yet.”

“I didn’t know so many things happened at Hyrule Castle… If we didn’t get dropped into the courtyard immediantly, the owner would probably be back here…”

“Are you the only person here?” Navi asked.

“Yes. It’s been this way for a whole entire week, like I said!” Ingo said.

“My contract said that I was allowed to give useful information once a week. I just found out.”

“What is this dumb contract anyway?” Saria asked.

“I get paid to do this, okay?!” Gabe cleared his throat. “Anyway, the Zoras aid the King of Hyrule by protecting this land’s water source. They won’t let anybody in unless they prove connection to the Royal Family! Hoot hoot!” And with that, Gabe flew off.

Meanwhile, Link was distracted by a guy eating something out of a bag.

“Let’s look around a little more to see if we can find something to get his attention,” Saria suggested. They walked over to a nearby cave to find a Zora at the top of a waterfall.

“Hello!” the Zora greeted. “Would you like to play the Diving Game?”

“No thanks,” Navi replied. “We’re busy.”

“I’ll tell you exactly what the prize is though! The prize for winning is a Silver Scale, a scale of our kind. It lets you dive deeper than you could before!”

“Can we buy it instead?” Saria asked.

“Well, you could, but it would be 300 rupees because of the pain I went through to get the scale.”

“Oh. Can I borrow 300 rupees?”

“Sure thing!” The Zora handed Saria 300 rupees.

“Here!” Saria gave the 300 rupees back to him and took the scale.

“Thank you very much!”

“Your welcome!” Saria pulled Link off the waterfall.

The Zora paused, “Wait a minute…”

-
-

After a little while, Navi discovered an underwater passage that lead to Lake Hylia. This didn’t make much sense because they could dive for 6 seconds with the Silver Scale, and Lake Hylia was on the other side of Hyrule. The passageways must have been magic, or something.

Anyway, the group found a bottle in the lake with a letter in it. The letter involved Princess Ruto so they took the letter to King Zora.

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Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was boring, Navi talked a lot, Saria ate Jabu Jabu and the three travelled forward in time.

Now for Chapter Five.

“OH MY NAYRU!” Link screamed. “I’m an old fart!”

“That’s the first thing you notice after seven years?” an old man in front on him asked. “Not even where you are?”

“Nope.”

Indeed, Link, Navi and Saria were on a platform with a bunch of pedestals on it.

“This is the Chamber of Sages,” the old man said. “I am Rauru, the Sage of Light.”

“And we’re here because…?” Saria questioned.

“The Master Sword was pulled up by the weird kid. Somehow, he was chosen as the Hero of Time.”

Seven years ago up in the heavens…

“I’m booooooorred,” Din complained.

“Hey! I know what we can do!” Farore exclaimed. “Let’s make the Hero of Time somebody ridiculous to amuse ourselves.”

“I know! Let’s choose that kid who lives at the Kokiri Forest but is actually a Hylian!” Nayru suggested.

“Great idea!”

“Whatever,” Din muttered.

Back in the Chamber of Sages…

“I have absolutely no idea why he was chosen,” Rauru said. “Anyway, he was too young to be the Hero of Time, so you people got sealed in the Sacred Realm for seven years. The Hero of Time’s job is to awaken the 6 Sages. I am one of those Sages, so you have one less Sage to worry about. They’re all in a certain temple in a certain area.”

“So why do we have to awaken these Sages?” Navi asked.

“Because, over the seven years, Ganondorf took over Hyrule because you opened the Door of Time and pulled up the Master Sword, opening up the entrance to the Sacred Realm.”

“So everything Zelda had us do didn’t save the world at all? That piece of paper she wrote with instructions on it?” Saria questioned, taking out the piece of paper. She turned it around and glanced at it. “Oh my Din, these were the instructions to put the world at its doom unless the Hero of Time showed up.”

“Well crap,” Navi said.

“That is why you must go break the seals on all the Sages. They could be anyone, maybe even people you know. By the way, they’ll all give you a medallion. So take this one.”

Link got the Light Medallion!

“…*Does it do something?” Link asked. “Like those medallions in A Link To The Past or something?”

“Nope,” Rauru replied. “It just proves that you’ve awakened them. It’s completely useless, but it looks cool. Now go awaken the other Sages!”

And Link, Navi and Saria appeared back in the Temple of Time.

“We’re back in the Temple of Time…” Navi stated. “But have seven years really passed? It looks like you won’t be able to use some of the weapons you found as a kid anymore…”

“I’ve been waiting for you, Hero of Time…” a voice said. Link whipped around and pulled out the Master Sword. “Hey. I’m on your side, kid.”

“Oh. Sorry,” Link replied, putting the sword away.

“When evil rules all, an awakening voice from the Sacred Realm will call those destined to be Sages, who dwell in the five temples. One in a deep forest… One on a high mountain…*One under a vast lake… One within the house of the dead… One inside a goddess of the sand… Together with the Hero of Time, the awakened ones will bind the evil and return the light of peace to the world… This is the legend of the temples passed down by my people, the Sheikah.”

“We could’ve saved a lot of time by not opening the Door of Time, couldn’t we have,” Saria said. "I mean, literally. We killed seven years."

“Yep.”

“And now we’re forced to deal with this?”

“Yep.”

“Who the heck are you?”

“Yep. I mean, I’m Sheik, the survivor of the Sheikahs.”

“Wow, your parents were really uncreative.”

“Well excuuuuuuuse me, princess. The first temple you should go to is the Forest Temple, where you will break the seal on the first Sage. So get a move on.”

“Let’sa go!” Link exclaimed.

-
-

“… Why are we at the Lon Lon Ranch?” Navi asked.

“Navi, don’t you see? After seven years, that little horse would be all grown up and be strong enough to be ridden on,” Saria answered.

“Actually, I thought it was because it was all stormy above it, and maybe Ganondorf did something.”

“Why would Ganondorf care about Lon Lon Ranch?”

“Hello there, kiddo,” Ingo greeted.

“Why are you dressed like a clown?” Saria asked.

“Hey! I’m not dressed like a clown! This is what rich people wear in this time!”

“Rich people dress up like clowns in this time?”

“Clowns didn’t exist in this time!”

“Then how do we know what a clown is?”

“I don’t know! Anyway! Would you like to ride one of my fine horses?”

“Umm…” Link started.

“Yes!” Saria answered.

“Sorry, but you’re too short,” Ingo said.

“Hey!”

“What about you, kiddo?” Ingo looked back at Link.

“Uh… Let me think about it for a second…” Link replied.

“Okay Link, here’s the plan to get us a horse,” Saria whispered. “First, ride around a little to get used to it. Then, ask that guy to enter a race. If you win the first one, he’ll want a second race and bet the horse you’re riding on. I know guys like that.”

“But what if I lose?”

“Just do it and I’ll make sure you win!”

“You guys are going to cheat to get a horse out of a race?” Navi asked.

“Quiet, Navi.”

“Yes, I’ll ride your horses,” Link told Ingo.

“That’ll be 10 rupees!” Link gave Ingo the money. “Do you want me to tell you how to ride a horse?”

“Please do.”

“All right then. Approach the horse quietly and stand by its side. Press A to mount up. Use the Control Stick to make it run. Once it starts running, press A to bribe it with carrots. It will speed up! When you want to jump over a fence, accelerate it and hit it head on! If you try to jump over a fence at an angle, the horse won’t like it, and it won’t jump. After the horse comes to a complete stop, press A to dismount. Now, have fun!”

“Wait! That didn’t make very much sense--”

Then suddenly the screen went white and Link appeared behind the fence and in the horse field.

“Look! There’s that horse from seven years ago,” Saria exclaimed through the fence.

“Hi there!” Link greeted Epona. Epona galloped away from him, so he played Epona’s Song and she ran back to him. He mounted her and she started going on her own. She ran over to Ingo.

“Oh, it seems that you’ve gotten better!” Ingo said, even though it was not true. “How about a race? One lap around the corral.”

“Wow! He did it himself,” Saria stated.

“There should be a bet…*How about 50 rupees?”

“Uh…*Okay…” Link replied.

The screen went white again and they appeared back outside the field, in front of the gate.

“Three…*Two…*One…” Ingo counted. “Go! HUAAAA!”

Epona automatically began to run at full speed, much faster than Ingo’s horse. Link had a hard time staying on.

“AHHHH!!” Link screamed. Epona won the race about 10 seconds before Ingo did.

““Sh-shoooot! If the great Ganondorf found out about this humiliation…” Ingo muttered. “Hey, you!! How about another race! If you win…*You can keep…*the horse!”

“I knew it!” Link stated. “I knew this had something to do with Ganondorf!”

“I knew it!” Saria said. “I knew he would bet the horse!”

The next thing Link knew was that he was back on the race track next to Ingo. Again, Epona won the race for him.

“What’s up with that horse?!” Ingo demanded. “Is that Epona? How did you tame that wild horse right under my nose?! I was going to present that horse to the great Ganondorf…*But I bet it on a race and lost! Shooot!”

“But Ganondorf already has a horse,” Link said.

“His old horse died of old age.” Then Ingo thought of something. “Hah ha hah! As I promised, I’ll give the horse to you…*However… I’ll never let you leave this ranch!” Ingo closed and locked the gates into the ranch.

“What the crap? That still doesn’t mean you get the horse back,” Navi told him.

“Shaddap!”

“Come on, Link! We have to find a way to get out of here!” Saria said, climbing on Epona.

Epona suddenly started galloping toward the fence that Ingo was behind. She jumped over it, trampled Ingo and escaped the ranch.

“…*Awesome!” Link exclaimed.

“Well! Looks like we just got ourselves a horse!” Saria said.

“Let’s go to Kakakakakokokoko village.”

“But we have to go to the Forest Temple!” Navi complained. “Haven’t we waited long enough? With every second we wait, Ganondorf may become more and more powerful! And that’s not even what the village is called! It’s called Kakariko!”

“Well somebody’s being naggy today,” Saria stated.

“Be quiet, Saria!”

-
-

“GRAVEROBBING TIME!!!” Link cheered, heading to the graveyard and pulling Saria with him. “Let’s pull back the new grave!”

Link pulled back the grave of the gravekeeper. There was a hole under it.

“Cool!” Link jumped into it.

A half hour later…

“I’m back!” Link said, holding up the Hookshot.

“What is that thing?” Saria asked, pointing to the item.

“It’s the item I won for racing a ghost in the grave!”

“…*You raced a ghost?”

Flashback!

“Yeh heh heh!” the gravekeeper’s ghost laughed. “I won!”

“NOO!!” Link screamed. He took out a vacuum and sucked up the ghost. He stole the Hookshot from the chest and made his escape out of the grave.