It is strange how some moments can effect our lives forever, when I was 15 I fell in love with a boy almost over night. He had piercing blue eyes and the first time he kissed me I swear, I was three feet off the pavement walking home. He reminded me every day that I was beautiful, and soon I think I began to believe him. These moments, the moments I spent wrapped in his arms were the best moments I had ever experienced in my short 15 years of existence.

When I was 18, I fell out of love. I fell out of love with him in a matter of seconds, that day in august his eyes were like storm clouds, and his skin was as hard as the wall he pinned me to. That day in august I couldn’t find him anywhere. This moment, the moment he took my no for a yes, was the moment the ground slipped away from beneath me. This moment caused an earthquake. It shattered every inch of my existence.

The moments that followed are moments that are etched in my mind, I try to push them back until unbidden, they come pouring out. The moment I stepped foot in the hospital, my body spent, used. The moment the cop told me he was sorry. The moment the doctor gave me a pill to ease the pain from the bruises on my thighs. The moment the world slipped away at four in the morning as I entered my house, like i was entering a new world. Nothing looked the same. The moment I told my parents and all they could do was cry, and all I could say was I am sorry I let you down. I am sorry for falling in love. I am sorry. I am sorry. The moment I burned his sweater and cut up the jeans I was wearing that day, because those jeans would be forever dirty. The moment I tried so hard to scrub the dirt off my skin.
But some moments, helped me breathe again. Since that day I had been holding my breath but the moment the cop called me and told me he would be behind bars for a while, was the moment I let out a sigh of relief. It was the moment I started searching for all the shattered pieces. When the lawyer called months later, to tell me he plead guilty, was the moment I found one of the last pieces. The moment my heart thawed, the moment my skin started glowing with love again, though it was love from someone else. Someone who is patient and kind and understands how hard it is for me to pry apart my rib cage and let the butterflies free. This, I think, was the moment my heart found peace.”

“As much as I let something go,
it never really leaves me.
I want to believe I’m moving on
but I found myself sitting in the
shower again thinking that I
I can wash my hands thirty
times a day and still find dirt
under my fingernails.”

“I was hurting so much, I thought my heart might have bled on your arm. This morning, my ears were ringing so badly I tried to turn off my alarm. I swear I’m trying to move on but a circle has no fucking beginning. Listen closely and you can hear my teeth shake every time you catch me grinning.”

“You can’t just decide to hold me whenever you arms feel empty. You can’t just lean over and kiss the dip from my neck to my shoulders whenever you’re feeling lonely. I’m not that reward you get whenever you finish your chores. I’m not the way your bed feels after you’ve decided to wash the sheets. I’m that sunrise that burns your eyes in the morning while you’re trying to drive to work. I’m the coffee that burns your throat on the way down but, God, does it taste good. I know you’re reaching for your phone at ten o’clock on a Friday and you’re undoing your jeans but I’m that feeling you get in the back of your stomach when you realize you don’t remember my number. You don’t get to love me on your terms.”

“Just because you won the heart of the person that was hard to get or difficult to handle doesn’t mean they’ll be that little spark to set your life ablaze. I know they say that if it’s hard, it’ll be worth it in the end. But in the end, you’ll just be tired. You’ll be so tired. Chances are that you’re trying to force what should be easy if every day is like composing a list of things they don’t make you feel shitty about. You can call it love all you want, but trash is still trash no matter how many times you cover it in glitter.”