Friday, April 30, 2010

It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To

My younger sister Kelly is getting ready to head back to Houston on May 11th. She will be having another major surgery at MDAnderson on the 17th. Specific procedures must be done ahead of time however, so she needs to get there a week early. Nothing too scary. Just save your life kind of stuff. No big deal. After all, she is a pro at this after twelve years.

Last February, we spent a few months at MDA for her fifth….or was it her sixth?….brain surgery. November the year before that, we spent months there for her total hip replacement. The cancer had literally done away with her left hip making walking impossible. Although Kel has been fighting this damn disease for over twelve years, it’s really the last three that have been the toughest and most life altering.

Way back in the beginning, when Kelly was first diagnosed, our parents were still alive. It was really hard to watch them fall apart as they watched their baby go into that first brain surgery. Kelly was only thirty-six and in the best physical condition a person could ever imagine to be in. It all just seemed so wrong. One of the laws my little sister passed at that time was this: I was NOT allowed to cry…..ever. Everybody in her hemisphere was crying over her situation. She wanted….needed….me to be strong, in control and most important of all……funny. That’s right. I was hired to entertain her troops. I had to keep people smiling and focused on the positive. That included updating her blog with my take on her misery. You can only imagine!

Anyway, I have done a bang up job of not crying for the last twelve years. Ok, maybe I had a tear or two over my sister but never….and I mean NEVER in front of her or most anyone else. Until this week. This week something unexpected has happened. I have lost control of my Kelly tears. Like at the vet’s office the other day. I stopped by to pay a bill and our veterinarian, Elizabeth, who has known me and my stoic ways for sixteen years, asked how Kelly was doing. I. Came. Unglued. I couldn’t speak. I was absolutely blubbering, red-faced, snot-dripping blubbering. It wasn’t pretty. I told her Kelly was fine and I was just distraught over having to pay the bill. I’m stupid like that. Just ask Kelly.

Then there was today. The icing on the cake. I called Kelly because I was really ticked off about something. I told her, “I need you to talk me down.” So, she did. And everything she said made sense and I told her so. Then I started to cry. I. Mean. CRY! There was no stopping it. The harder I tried, the worse it got. She kept telling me to stop stressing over the wedding and life crap and blah, blah, blah until finally, the truth came out.

“I am really mad at you for being sick (insert loud blubbering) and I want you to stop it right now! I can’t take anymore. And I want you to stop it. I mean it. I’m getting really, really pissed off so just stop it…..ok?”

This is when Kelly started to cry and said one of the stupidest things to date. Oh, and believe me, she has said some pretty stupid things before but this was the prize winning hog of them all.

“Well, I don’t want to be sick anymore either and it’s about time you cried!”

WHAT!!!

THE!!!

%@&#($&&!!! ....HECK!!!!

For twelve freaking years you have pounded my head against the wall all the while making me repeat, “Not allowed to cry. Not allowed to cry. Not allowed to cry.” You are a moron!!! Have I ever mentioned that before? Well, just in case I haven’t…..YOU ARE A MORON!

So, in celebration of our new found understanding, I have a special post I am preparing just for you, Kelly Jeanne Casas. Oh yeah…..it’s on baby!!

21 comments:

I wish I was there to give you a big hug. You have been such a trooper over the years trying to keep your composure. I would never have lasted as long as you did. Bless your heart. Stories like this make me want to ask God why??? Bless you and your precious sister sweet lady. I am keeping her in my prayers.

That is such a long time to feel like you have to hold it in, keep it together, be the up person when you are not at all feeling up. I bet you are feeling such a relief to have had that honest conversation with your sister. There isn't anything any of us can do for you but tell you we care about you. Your sister is the one with the medical condition but you are due some hugs and genuine caring just for you.

It takes a lot of strength and energy to keep sucking it up and presenting a positive face. I stayed strong for my mom for five years. Kept working to accept and respond with love and kindness to her deteriorating condition. When I finally cracked, I had to go to bed and hide from the world for three whole days. Then I spent two weeks having major anxiety attacks and not knowing what to do with myself. I let myself cry finally and it felt like it would never stop. Crying gives me no pleasure, no relief. But I guess my spirit needed it, because now I feel stronger.You will too. Thank God for Kelly, for understanding your humanity. You two are each other's pillars. Prayers for you and her.

OMG, I feel so much better now that you're both sobbing! Thank you. Hugs to you both. Wish Kelly a safe and successful surgery and f*cking awesome boob job and sending love to you to get you through it as well. xo

Thanks Big Sis Marla (no pun intended)that your wit & prayer have kept me strong. Yes, you brought a tear to my eye on that phone call, HOWEVER, you failed to say that w/in seconds I had YOU laughing!Game on sista!!

Now I am crying too. Look what you did?? How could you not cry and be mad about all this. I'm a stranger, but I do care. Here's a big hug for you. I can hardly see now to type. Here comes the snot. Another big hug and prayers for you and your sister.Love, Alma

you are one of the toughest cookies i've met in a long time. i totally understand where you're coming from, and what you mean. i applaud you - deeply applaud you.

i've only been doing the tough stuff since 2006 and the other stuff since 1999. i've been down and i've been up. it's not fun and it's really hard to keep a stiff upper lip and keep going. you have my undying respect.

Why Butts and Ashes?

No, I am not a smoker although I have given it consideration during times of great stress. I was bemoaning to a friend one day that my life seemed to come down to two things, butts and ashes. Having somehow been elected the family caregiver for most of my life, I can assure you, I have seen a great deal of both.
So, this blog is about just that.....life and loving the people in it.....from end to end.