The Stamos Story Hour: A Love Affair With Pizza

Hi. I love pizza. It’s no secret I love pizza. Last summer around this time, I wrote one of my first “Items of the Day” here on HelloGiggles about Ellio’s Pizza and how it is so weird and square-shaped and delicious. And then later last year, I wrote an Open Letter to Pizza in which I proclaimed I was willing to end up in jail, wrongly accused for murder, if only to get pizza for my last meal. That doesn’t make any sense but I just want you to understand that I love pizza so much that not only would I go to prison for pizza but I would be more than happy to devote well over half my time on the Internet talking about pizza. I mean, if the internet isn’t best used for talking about pizza, ordering pizza, learning new pizza recipes, making gifs of pizza, discussing the philosophies of various pizza crusts and toppings, pictures of cats and pizza together and telling people how much you love pizza, then what good is the internet? Which is why I feel it is my duty to return to my favorite topic before we here at HelloGiggles have spent too much time not discussing it. So I am going to tell you a little bit about my love affair with pizza. (Are you excited? I’m excited! I can’t even tell you guys how long I’ve wanted a forum to wax poetic about the virtues of pizza! Thank God this website exists! I’m serious! I almost wish it was called PizzaGiggles.com! WAIT, that is a great idea! I am totally going to do that!)

My favorite kind of pizza is plain cheese pizza. For roughly twenty years of my life, in fact, this was the only pizza I would eat. Occasionally pepperoni. Once or twice I tried “kielbasa” and I did not understand how it was any different from sausage. But, really, up until I was of the legal age to imbibe alcohol there was only one pizza for me, and that pizza was cheese. (The reason our legal drinking age factors in here is because I was in Paris when I turned twenty-one and that was when I was really adventurous with my food choices, and thus I discovered all the other delicious pizzas out there in the world, especially during the weekend I was in Italy when I ate pizza for three meals a day, three days straight!).

Cheese pizza is pizza in its purest and most delicious. Frankly, I don’t think there is anything that tastes better on this sweet planet than a cheese pizza. And I’ve got quite the advanced palette, you guys, and I’m only semi-joking when I say that. I won’t come within ten feet of mayonnaise and I’ve lived in Europe and traveled to places like South Africa and Peru and I’ve eaten things like bone marrow and frogs’ legs and during the semester I studied abroad in Paris my host-mom was a former professional chef, so trust me, I’ve had a lot of delicious foods in my day but no matter what, there is always, only one that stands out as the best, and it is cheese pizza.

Sometimes when I’m thinking about what I want for dinner and I’m mulling my options with a friend or roommate or my brother’s cat, if someone mentions pizza then that’s it, we are getting pizza. If it’s not already on my mind (which it almost always is), and then someone else puts it on my mind, then there is almost no way I’m going to be eating anything other than pizza.

Here’s another important thing about my love affair with pizza: I am not a pizza snob. I love it all. I love Ellio’s, which is barely pizza, and I love the pizza you get at movie theaters and I love the Whole Foods pizza and I love Domino’s thin crust and I loved the pizza that was served in my dining hall in college, and I love breakfast pizza and I love salad pizza and I love all the fancy highfaluting pizzas you can get at fancy pizzerias or make at home in your very own kitchen. It’s all good. Of course I have pizza preferences (thin crust, no chicken, never deep dish), but all in all, if it’s pizza then I’m going to love it.

I spend a lot of time thinking about pizza. I have a lot of philosophical questions about pizza. Some of these questions are:

What if my soulmate is pizza?

Does pizza spend as much time thinking about me as I think about pizza?

How is there not yet a perfume that smells like pizza?

Why is pizza the same word in just about every language? Does that prove that pizza is the best food out there?

If I was stranded on a desert island how would I ensure that one of the items I would have with me at all times would be a piping fresh and hot and delicious and ready-to-eat pizza?

Why don’t more bagel places offer pizza bagels?

Why don’t more diners offer breakfast pizza?

Why do I not own a cat/dog/fish/exotic pet named pizza?

Why isn’t my name pizza?

So anyway pizza is awesome and I think everyone pretty much agrees with me, right? Like, who doesn’t like pizza? I honestly don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who doesn’t! I would be very interested to meet an anti-pizza person, I must admit. I would like to study their brain and their food habits and maybe follow them around. Because if you are not eating pizza on a regular basis then what exactly are you eating?

Okay now I have to go eat pizza and then I am going to figure out how to bottle the scent of pizza because I think that might be a great way to get a boyfriend who also loves pizza and if it doesn’t then at least I will still smell like pizza all the time which sounds not at all practical but especially delicious.