Guest Column: When love and mental illness intersect

Much has been written and said about Newtown, Conn., and the role that mental illness and guns played in the massacre, but not much has been said about the social environment of the person with the illness.

Much has been written and said about Newtown, Conn., and the role that mental illness and guns played in the massacre, but not much has been said about the social environment of the person with the illness.

The social environment is crucial because of what it can trigger for good or evil.

What caused Adam Lanza to do what he did? We can never know exactly what happened because the principals are dead. But several scenarios being talked about could be accurate. For me, the most believable one is that Adam’s mom told him she was going to commit him to a hospital. His reaction was fury and he accused mom of not loving him and said she loved the kids she volunteered with at school better than him. He then shot her and proceeded to kill those she had loved.

It seems he was programmed to use guns to settle his relational issues. Mom had introduced him to instruments meant to kill people. He was reported to be bright, but he lacked social skills and was said to be reclusive. So talking through his issues was not his best talent. Shooting guns was easier and gave him more “power.” In addition to shooting practice, Adam was reported to have spent hours playing video games. Many such games reward you for killing people. If this was the game fare where Adam spent his time, he truly was a behavioral time bomb. Like the early adage for computers: “Garbage in, garbage out.”

The media talk about the massacres seems to put the blame on mental illness. But someone’s mental illness is just a part of his or her total personality. My question is, where do love and mental illness intersect?

The common thread between massacres seems to be that the shooters are social loners. The bigger question than their diagnostic label, if they ever had one, is the question of how much love each of these people had received or is receiving. What was their ability to relate to other people, and how did other people relate to them? What was the environment surrounding the person day to day? What it positive or negative?

The presence of mental illness is not inherently violent. But because the illness can cause nonlogical thinking and strange behavior, it can cause people around them to distance themselves from the person with the illness. Sometimes the ill person does not see himself as being lovable and resist support from loved ones. Thus living with people with mental illness can be trying, but the need for positive, caring, loving behavior on the part of family and helpers is always necessary as a force for recovery. And the commitment to loving care needs to be for years. I have never seen someone recover without the presence of someone or some ones offering hope, love and positive regard for the person.

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Whether we are positive or negative in our relationships with others is something we control most of the time. For example, people suffering from major depression will tell you that when they are deeply depressed, they find it impossible to be caring and loving. But, importantly, they are aware of the mood of people around them. When the depression lifts they can talk about the effect of caring people around them.

Love has always been part of recovery from mental illness. Children and adults with mental illness respond positively to warm, caring parents and helpers. Without love, any of us can be provoked to go to the dark side of our personality. Our attitude and beliefs have so much to do with how we live each day.

Richard Kunnert retired as superintendent of Singer Mental Health Center in 1996 after 30 years of serving in a variety of counselor and supervisor positions there.