Act Like a Man

Struggling to be the best man you can be? Sounds like you need group therapy, man style.

When I was a boy and lay bleeding from a bicycle accident, I was told, “Don’t cry—act like a man.” Decades later I still wasn’t crying and was still trying to act like a man. But I didn’t have a clue what that meant. All I knew was that I was afraid of men and had been isolated from them all my life.

Like most men these days, I hadn’t received the critical rites of passage fathers traditionally give their sons. The transmission of the values and skills required to be a man essentially ended with the Industrial Revolution 150 years ago. With fathers working in the factories for twelve or more hours a day, mothers took over the task of raising their boys to be men—and the male perspective was lost.

My search for guidance has led me to become an author, activist, and speaker about men’s issues. In this column and in daily blogs on my website, www.kensolin.com, I share the knowledge and strategies I’ve gleaned from nearly two decades in a men’s group—and from my firm conviction that guys need to learn from each other what it means to act like a man and become the best men we can be.

A recent poll found that women have an average of six close friends. Men have, at most, one—and frequently, none. Why the discrepancy? It’s partly because boys are taught to compete with each other from the time we’re children. We compete for girls, and later on for women. We compete in sports and for jobs. Nothing in our male experience encourages us to be trusting, open, or honest with other men. The guys most men consider to be their friends—the ones on their softball team, in their carpool, or in the office across the hall—are actually just acquaintances.

A true friend is a man you can confide in without hesitation and with absolute trust, a man you can talk to about anything. A true friend will stand by you steadfastly when you’re in need and offer you unconditional support. But where can guys go to make such friends and deal with the issues that have been preventing them from being the best men they can be?

For a long time I had no idea. But then, two decades ago, I invited eight other guys to form a men’s group. We met twice a month to discuss our lives—and we’re still meeting. Breaking down the barriers to intimacy isn’t easy and, beyond our trust issues, we all had to face the common fear of looking foolish or unmanly. We had to be willing to examine our dysfunctional behavior honestly, dig into the history behind it, and make the changes that were necessary in order to become better men.

As the group evolved, I realized that we had more than three-hundred years of what I call collective male wisdom to share with each other. Rarely did someone report an experience that at least one other guy hadn’t also gone through. And we learned to share our issues in terms of what we felt, not just what we thought. Thoughts and opinions are open to debate. Feelings are a man’s absolute truth, and we respected them as such.

There’s no such thing as a man who doesn’t have issues—just men who ignore them. But ignoring your issues doesn’t make them disappear. Every member of our group dug deep, uncovered his demons, faced them head-on, learned to express what he felt rather than just what he thought, and did the work. Because of that, we all became better husbands, better boyfriends, better fathers, and better friends. And we made friends for life.

Don’t live in a big city? No problem—men are everywhere. No money? No problem—a men’s group won’t cost you a dime. No time? No problem. If you have time to watch a reality show on television, you have time to dig into your own reality and make it work for you. Yes, it takes commitment and courage, but the payoff is priceless. Living in the world is hard, but long-term suffering is entirely optional.

About Ken Solin

Ken Solin writes about boomer sex, dating, and relationships, and is a Dating Expert and columnist for The Huffington Post, AARP, About.com, and Maria Shriver.

Ken’s new book, The Boomer Guide to Finding True Love Online is available for preorder http://amzn.to/1uhvOMJ. The Boomer Guide offers real-life boomer dating solutions based on Ken’s online dating experience and the experiences of tens of thousands of readers who have commented on his articles. His relationship philosophy is simple. “You can’t think your way through a relationship. You have to feel your way.”

Out of curiosity, why do people, in their responses that I read add “and women” to what they’re saying? Can’t men discuss men without the need to be PC in what’s said? We’re talking about “men.” That being said, I tend to agree with the concept that men were the bread winners and the women raised the kids but, and it’s a big BUT, the fathers role was that where he worked his ass off to provide for the family. More then likely the disciplinarian as well. What I find amusing though is that this article depicted men of generations… Read more »

As a therapist who uses group therapy for a number of issues, particularly drug addiction, I can attest to the power of a group of focused individuals. A lot of men AND women benefit from the emotional work that goes on in group. I’m glad that Ken has found group to be a profound experience. I’m looking forward to reading more thoughtful piecesand comments on this subject.

This is one of the most misogynist and historically inaccurate pieces I’ve ever read; in fact, it’s so extreme and over the top that it basically puts forth the same view of masculinity that the movie _Fight Club_ parodies. A complete response would take an essay, but here are a few points. First, men were not raised by their fathers before the industrial revolution; raising children in Europe and the Americas has, since Ancient Greece, had been considered women’s work. Second, after the industrial revolution women, too, were working in the factories alongside the men — so who raised the… Read more »

Men use words like ‘bud’, ‘pal’ and even ‘brother’ when they want to think they are connecting with other men but too often they only feel its acceptable to do this within the confines of a fraternity, work crew, sports team or gang. I’ve seen how women can instantly connect and become friends after one conversation about a shared experience. Yet they are more competitive than they let on. Hetero men most often are fearful of appearing needy, whiney, feminine or gay. That’s plain stupid. Men who use their partners or wives to be their sole confidante ask too much… Read more »

Being fatherless all my life I’ve found that I’ve tried many times to “get close” to male friends. That rarely works. Some have be straight forward with me with comments like, “guys do that.,” or “what are you, gay or something.” Most just want to “go play ball.” Then for a few years ago a man and I became “buds” and as single men we did lots of things together like camping, sports, going to nudie bars, talking and sharing. Daydreams, wishes, hopes, fears, and other things were expressed freely. It all went well for a decade or so until… Read more »

Your provocative piece sure produced some provocative comments. I know so many men who claim they have no close male friends, and they are often people who I thought were close friends with each other. Such an interesting discussion. Thanks for opening it up.

I find I am much more comfortable around women than I am around men. There’s no pissing contest going on around my female friends. I was never much into sports or the outdoors so there’s no common ground with the men I work with. My father worked 2 jobs most of his life and I rarely saw him or did anything with him. I promised myself I would be a better father than he was, but with nothing to go by I’ve made the same mistakes with my son that he did with me. I have no close male friends… Read more »

I have at least a dozen men, probably more, that I could call today and move in with if I needed a place to stay. I have at least a dozen men that know me deeply, that love and trust me, that will listen to me without trying to fix me, change me or give me advice. 7 years ago, I had NO close male friends. Transformation happens. Man am I grateful. And so is my wife – because she doesn’t have to bear the weight of my emotional reality. I’ve got men to work with.

Ken, I’m with you. My dad was gone by the time I was 5. My step-dad left when I was 13. Being a loner, hungry to have a woman, who didn’t need males in my life, seemed to be the safest way to be. It didn’t work out so well. When I got divorced, I fell into a men’s group. We’ve been together now for 31 years. It saved my life and my present wife says its why we’ve been happily married for 30 years.