About Last Night: Fin for Lin in NYC

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

It’s official. The Knicks announced Tuesday night that they won’t match Houston’s offer for point guard Jeremy Lin. “I have a feeling if we play hard to get, ole Mr. Lon is gonna come crawling right back to Big Daddy Jim,” said Knicks owner James Dolan, mispronouncing Lin’s last name hours after the guard tweeted that he was excited to join the Rockets.

Mike Trout and Albert Pujols combined for seven hits and two home runs as the Angels routed the Tigers 13-0. “Looks like Team Trout-Jols did it again!” said an excited Trout, holding his hand up for a high five. Pujols looked up in shock. “I thought we agreed on Team Pu-Out,” he said. “It was Pu-Out! Pu-Out all the way!”

CC Sabathia pitched six scoreless innings in his first start off the DL, leading the Yankees to a 6-1 win over the Blue Jays. “That’s the last time I eat an entire ham!” said Sabathia, referring to the binge that put him on the DL with stomach stretching and a near salt overdose. But later that night, in the “strictly platonic” personals section of the New York City Craigslist page, a suspicious post appeared that read, “Yo, anybody got an entire ham?”

Reports surfaced that Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch was arrested for investigation of DUI after his car was seen swerving Saturday morning, nearly colliding with two oncoming vehicles. Luckily, the other cars were driven by St. Louis Rams linebackers.

After missing nearly two months with a back strain, Roy Halladay threw five effective innings, and Hunter Pence’s eighth-inning single gave the Phillies a 3-2 win over the Dodgers. “This might a sound little crazy,” Halladay told the media, “but I sort of miss the back strain.” When he was met with blank stares, he retreated to his hotel room to stare at the ceiling and apologize to the back strain for not appreciating it more while it was still alive.

Kevin Youkilis continued his revenge campaign with a three-run homer, spurring the White Sox to a 7-5 win over the Red Sox. He is also thought to be the first player to moon the Red Sox dugout, and is definitely the first one to do it 17 times while executing what he later referred to as “the floating ass dance.”

Bryce Harper hit a game-tying triple in the 10th inning and Ryan Zimmerman scored the walk-off run on a wild pitch as the Nationals survived a late Mets rally to win 5-4. “Looks like Team Harp-Man did it again!” said an excited Harper, holding up his hand for a high five. Zimmerman looked up in shock. “I thought we agreed on Team Zimmer-er,” he said. “It was Zimmer-er!” He then drew a gun and forced Harper to the ground. “ZIMMER-ER ALL THE WAY!” he shouted. Harper, his face pressed by the pistol into the concrete floor, nodded as best he could. “Okay, Ryan, that’s good. Yeah, that’s really good. I like Zimmer-er. Let’s go with that one.”

Sources indicate that the Lakers continue to pursue Magic center Dwight Howard, with Andrew Bynum as potential trade bait. And now it’s time for the daily joke from Terrence the Depressed Grantland Robot, who was training to take my job before he got depressed, but still hasn’t learned to write in lowercase letters. Today, Terrence submitted a digital image for his Kobe-Dwight joke, and, well … I don’t know. I don’t even know.

Three current Penn State trustees say that the board proposed sweeping reforms in 2004 that would have given them oversight of top university officials, and possibly changed how the Sandusky matter was handled, but that the idea was rejected by PSU president Graham Spanier. “Why would we need oversight when he have the number one independent and unbiased investigative body in academia?” Spanier wrote at the time. “The Paterno family has us covered.”