5 Reasons Why You Should Skip the Whole New Year’s Resolution Thing

The concept of making New Year’s resolutions goes as far as 153 BC with the mythical king of Rome, Janus. Janus, having two faces (not unlike most people I know), was able to reflect on the past year as well as foresee the upcoming future, and in doing so became the symbol of resolutions. It was the beginning of the New Year that Romans sought forgiveness from their enemies, exchanged gifts and also perceived the New Year as a fresh start and a clean slate of sorts. I, however, have never bought into the whole New Year’s resolution thing… as of January 1st you just get a free “do-over?” Sounds like something invented by Weight Watchers and not the Romans, if you ask me. So here’s an idea: fuck the New Year’s resolutions, you know you’re not going to stick to it anyway. Instead, use these five reasons as your excuses as to why you’re not doing that whole resolution thing… your friends will marvel at your wisdom.

1. Twelve months is one hell of a commitment. It’s nice to pretend that you’re going to wake up on January 1st (probably hungover and reeking of regrets), and start on a whole new path of something. Whether it be running more, being nicer to your neighbors, eating less pizza, or even finally learning how to spell your brother-in-law’s name correctly, twelve months is a long time to keep up any act, especially one that you actually needed to put into effect on the first of the year. If you’re really living an unsatisfying life that needs a change, just do it already, don’t wait for January 1st, because honestly, you’re just setting yourself up to fail. Have you ever met anyone who has stuck to their resolution past mid-January? I know I haven’t, and would kinda be creeped out if I did.

2. Hysteria never got anyone anywhere. It’s the advertising community that really drives the whole concept of the New Year’s resolution and warps it into not just a social norm but a way for them to cash in on the impending life changes that people want to make. From gyms to dieting techniques to even clothing (resolve to get yourself a cuter wardrobe this year!), we, the consumer, are practically forced into a hysteria that all but demands we make at least one resolution in January so as to better ourselves, and of course in bettering ourselves we dig into our wallets. How many people join a gym in January? A lot. How many people have resigned to the couch after work instead of going to the gym where they purchased that membership by February? Probably more than half. Why waste your money on things that you never wanted in the first place? That money would have been better spent on pizza and beer.

I had actually kind of forgotten about this, but I made a New Years’ resolution when I was 8 that I suppose I have now kept for 24 years. That year, my bike had gotten rusty, and my mom cleaned off the rust with Coca-Cola. It creeped me out so much that soda could remove rust (it really works!) that I haven’t consumed one since. Later my dad told me that Navy guys used Coke to clean toilets.

Amanda Chatel

Does this go for Diet Coke, too? Because I’m a Diet Coke fiend and I really don’t want to change my wonky ways…