Torchwood: Miracle Day: All You Zombies

“The life that you are seeking you will never find. When the gods created man they allotted to him death, but life they retained in their own keeping.” –-The Epic of Gilgamesh

After a great deal of hand-wringing and hair-pulling and gnashing of teeth, I have decided to jump in feet first and attempt to recap Torchwood: Miracle Day for you nerds. THIS IS NO LIGHT DECISION. No offense, but you Doctor Who/Torchwood fans can be kinda intense. And so before we begin this adventure, I need to be completely honest with you guys: Of the entirety of Torchwood series, I have only seen Torchwood: Children of Earth. Not only that, but I have never seen a single episode of Doctor Who in my life. Not. One. I saw a clip of that angel statue episode, with the angels and the no blinking or whatever, but that really is about it. (pauses to take out nerd license for inspection)

Which is why I will understand completely if you, Doctor Who/Torchwood superfan who came upon this recap via the Googles, decide to return to your Tardis forums right now and laugh at the silly Lost blogger who had the audacity to think she could just jump into this universe of yours and make any sense of it. No harm, no foul.

As for the rest of you — those superfans who can take pity on a blogger who is humbly trying to make her way through all of this, and are willing to leave helpful and non-abusive comments; the casual fans who have seen a season or two of whatever; and/or those of you who have never seen an episode of either series — I think this could be a fun project to undertake together.

Also, I have to write about something other than reality shows about deranged “housewives” and bachelorettes. Because, honestly.

Alright, buckle up your daleks or whatever, here’s what you need to know about Torchwood before we get started: Torchwod, the series, is a spin-off (and anagram) of Doctor Who.

“NO DUH, I KNOW THAT.”

See, this is the negative attitude I was trying to avoid. Come on, try harder, you.

Right, so. The Torchwood Institute was a semi-covert British organization founded by Queen Victoria to investigate weird happenings, which usually meant aliens of one sort or another, and/or restore the glory of the British Empire by appropriating alien technology. Torchwood Three was an office based in Cardiff, and assigned to keep watch over a time/space rift that runs through the city, and deal with whatever craziness popped through it. The team was led by Captain Jack Harkness, a bi-sexual immortal time traveler who wears a long trenchcoat.

In Children of Earth, an alien race called the 456 come to Earth and demand 10% of the planets’ children in exchange for them not destroying us entirely. SCROLL OVER FOR SPOILERS IN CASE YOU WANT TO WATCH IT YOURSELF WHICH YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO BECAUSE IT’S SUPER-CREEPY AND AWESOME: Back in the 60s, these same aliens arrived on the planet and offered a cure for a flu that would wipe out 25 million people in exchange for 12 kids. Greater good and all that. So Capt. Jack was part of a team that handed these unlucky dozen over. The aliens return in the present day, causing the British government to freak out and order the destruction of The Torchwood Institution and the assassination of everyone involved in the 1960s handover, including Capt. Jack. They try to blow Capt. Jack up, but it’s a fail because of the whole immortal thing. So he and the rest of his team, including a woman named Gwen Cooper, her husband Rhys and Capt. Jack’s lover, Ianto, become fugitives from the government.

However, once the 456 arrive on Earth, Capt. Jack and Ianto confront them, only to have the 456 lockdown the building and fill it with poisonous gas, killing everyone inside. Except Capt. Jack because of the whole immortal thing.

The British government decides they have no choice but to round up and hand over all the children the 456 have requested — TO USE AS RECREATIONAL DRUGS, NO LESS — because what else they gonna do, right? However, somehow Capt. Jack figures out that they could use one child to transmit a radio signal to all the other children which in turn would kill the 456. PROBLEM: it would kill the original transmitter kid. DOUBLE PROBLEM: the only child Capt. Jack has access to at the moment, on account of the government rounding all the rest up to inject into aliens or whatever, is his grandson. But what else is he gonna do, right? So he uses his grandson, who dies, but so do the 456, so Greater Good!

Some 6 months after everything has calmed down, Capt. Jack announces to a pregnant Gwen that he’s got some guilt to deal with, so he’s going to go to the stars or something. KBAI!

So, that’s where we are: Torchwood Institute destroyed, Gwen and her husband in hiding from the government who still wants to git ’em for some inexplicable reason, and Capt. Jack nowhere to be found. Good? Good.

6 a.m.: Exposition News, Channel 6 explains that Oswald Banes, evil child rapist and murderer, is scheduled to be put to death by the state of Kentucky. Oswald Banes is so evil … HOW EVIL IS HE? He’s so evil, no anti-death-penalty protestors came to decry his death. He’s so evil, his line of defense was that his 12-year-old victim should have run faster. He’s so evil, he’s eaten the handsome actor Bill Pullman, and worn his skin over his much puffier form as some sort of trophy.

And so the State straps Oswald Banes onto the execution table and pumps him full of poisons. However, instead of going peacefully into that good night, Oswald thrashes around like a dying fish, breaking the table in the process, which I don’t think was the intended effect. Fortunately for Oswald, he’s in Kentucky where they merely close the curtain to the observation room. Here in Texas, they’d close the curtain to the observation room and get a bat.

Somewhere completely different, Babe Carey-Chandler from All My Children did not die tragically in that tornado in Pine Valley after all, but instead got herself a job with the CIA, which totally explains why she had to fake her death. She and the rest of the CIA are aflutter about an email every section chief received anonymously that merely said: “TORCHWOOD.” We know this, because she exposits it in a phone call to Rex, another CIA agent, who is at the moment driving like a lunatic in a rain storm and bragging about his upcoming promotion that he will receive on the back of the dying wife of a colleague. NICE GUY. As Babe is about to send what she has on this TORCHWOOD whatevers, the system in the schmancy situation room suddenly goes all haywire and all the TORCHWOOD business is gone. Good! Says Rex. Pass it on to someone else! Says Rex. It doesn’t concern me! Foreshadows Rex. And that’s when the truck in front of Rex’s car, the one carrying the long giant pipes, loses its cargo into Rex’s windshield and chest.

Rex is wheeled into surgery, because he’s somehow still alive. In fact, according to his surgeon, he’s the second DOA who refused to die tonight. HMM.

8 a.m. In Wales, a black helicopter goes over Gwen and Rhys’ cliffside house, setting Gwen’s teeth on edge, because BLACK HELICOPTER. DUH. Inside, she feeds the most darling baby that ever darlinged (see picture above) while telling her stories from her Torchwood days, to Rhys’ great distress. When there’s a knock at the door, Gwen and Rhys jump up, fling open their gun cabinet, because who doesn’t have a fully-stocked gun cabinet in their quaint beach-side cottage? grab a few weapons and ready themselves for jack-booted thugs. Instead, they find a couple of elderly hikers looking for the best directions back to the village. OR WERE THEY?

3 a.m. In the D.C. hospital waiting room, Babe waits for word on Rex, seeing he has no other family, besides a father who hasn’t returned Babe’s calls. The muy caliente surgeon, Dr. Vera Caliente, explains that Rex is fine, which is remarkable since the paramedics told Babe he didn’t stand a chance. GOOD WORK, PARAMEDICS. WAY TO ALARM THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY. Dr. Caliente tells Babe that miracles seem to have become easy in the past 24 hours or so; there hasn’t been a single death in the hospital all day. And it’s the same story at hospitals in Chicago and London that Dr. Caliente happened to speak to: no one has died. ¡Qué suerte!

And in case you missed the entire plot of this season, Exposition News is here to tell you again: Oswald Banes was the first non-death reported, followed by thousands of other non-deaths, and before you know it #miracle was trending. Miracle Day, the kidz are calling it on the tweeters and the headbooks!

And in a show about aliens, immortal time travelers, and humanity’s mortality being suspended for some mysterious reason, here ladies and gentlemen is the most improbable scene of all: Oswald Banes demands to be set free.

A representative of the governor’s office swings by the prison to deliver the governor’s “SORREE WE HAZ AN EXECUTION FAIL!” message to Banes, who, in return, declares that since his sentence was served, he gets to be free now, thanks. The representative balks, but Banes evokes his 8th Amendment rights (“Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.”) and his 5th Amendment rights (“No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.”). Which, nope.

Look, Banes might have an argument on the cruel and unusual punishment bit; some courts — none in Texas, mind you — might find taking multiple swings at the execution process to be “cruel” and/or “unusual.” But just because the execution failed doesn’t mean the prisoner gets to go free. That’s not how it works. FURTHERMORE, this is most certainly not a double jeopardy case. Keeping a convicted and sentenced murderer in jail after a failed attempt to execute him ≠ attempting to try someone for a crime for which they have already been found not guilty. And I KNOW, I KNOW, the writers for this are probably British or Welsh or Australian or something, and they have silly laws over there that don’t always correspond with ours, BUT HOW HARD IS IT TO GET A LAWYER TO JUST GLANCE OVER THE SCRIPT? In fact, you don’t need a lawyer, just a law student! Or someone with a passing familiarity of our constitution and its most important few amendments! HOW HARD IS THAT? (Business idea: Offer BASIC LEGAL VETTING TO SHOWRUNNERS = MILLIONS.)

But, as I said, this is the most improbable scene in an improbable series, and so the governor’s representative just gulps hard and stares worriedly as Banes threatens to sue the governor personally for wrongful imprisonment. WRONG. NOPE. WRONG.

At the CIA, Babe casually asks another agent about Torchwood, and is told that thanks to Miracle Day, it is no longer at the top of the CIA’s Super Most Important List, and everything about Torchwood is to go through Agent Brian’s office. Babe then discusses the Torchwood business with another agent, Agent Noah, who explains that everything about Torchwood just up and disappeared, which is something he’s never seen before. But yet another agent (name not important) warned him to stay away from it, as it was classified under the 456 regulations, and anyone who worked for Torchwood was killed in action, so.

At the hospital, Rex’s nurse tells him that he’s not so special, and turns on the Expedition News for him, where everyone is talking about how crazy this Miracle Day business is, and how the people who are should have died are LIVING CORPSES. This upsets Rex, for some reason.

Dr. Caliente explains to Rex that she doesn’t know how he survived, but somehow, even after his heart was crushed by the pole or whatever, the blood kept pumping and the oxygen kept flowing. Rex, understandably wants to know if he’s going to heal, or if he’s just going to feel like he’d been impaled by a bunch of poles FOR FOREVER, and she tries to give him a think positive! speech. He’s lucky! He really should be dead! OK, but what happens when the miracle stops? Does he just die? WELL, DR. CALIENTE HASN’T THOUGHT THAT FAR AHEAD, SO.

In her Wales getaway, Gwen receives a cryptic cell phone call from a police officer regarding a male suspect in the vicinity of St. Helen’s hospital, which she explains to Rhys means her father is in the hospital — and they have to go back.

Babe goes to a library? Some sort of archives? OOH, IS THIS WHERE THEY KEEP THE ARK OF THE COVENANT? I bet this is where they keep it. Babe, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Babe. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens! Babe asks the clerk about the Torchwood files, and he explains that Agent Brian’s office cleared them out already. She claims that she’s just double checking for him, and he’s like, Cool, whatever. So she pokes around until she just happens to find a file that mentions the 456, which leads her to another box filled to the brim with files on Torchwood! ¡Qué suerte! However, she’s interrupted by Capt. Jack! Who urges her to come with him! So she runs away like a crazy person! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM HIM, BABE? Anyway, she finds the clerk shot and not!dead at his desk, and Capt. Jack shoots a masked assailant over her shoulder who happens to have a big ol’ bomb belt strapped onto him. As the bomb explodes, Babe and Capt. Jack jump out a window and into the safety of a fortunately placed fountain.

As the archives burn, Capt. Jack inspects a scratch on his arm, and gives Babe a bottle of water and answers to her questions: What is Torchwood? It no longer exists. The Torchwood Institute was set up by the British Royal family in 1879 to investigate the unusual the strange and the alien — as in extra-terrestrial. This Miracle Day business is exactly the kind of thing they’d investigate, if they existed. And Gwen Cooper? There was no date of death? She didn’t die, and Capt. Jack is determined to keep her safe, by keeping Torchwood dead. Did he send out the email that just said “Torchwood?” Nope. But he did release the malware that wiped it from the databases and destroyed the files and slipped a smart drug in the water she just drank which will give her selective amnesia. And with that, Babe passes out.

Exposition News reports on the CIA archive’s fire, as Rex calls Dr. Caliente for some reason and wants information on the not!victims of the fire. Because that’s how it works: your emergency room/cardiac surgeon is on every call in the hospital and just willingly gives information out to patients when they ask. However, she has to cut the call short as she’s escorted down the hall by some important-looking soldiers and cops and an FBI agent who just happens to be Capt. Jack, and instructs him to check the Ringmain, which, to save us some exposition, is the hospital’s security camera system.

So Rex calls the chief of security at the hospital who just hooks him into the security system because SURE, and watches in at the morgue as Dr. Caliente, Capt. Jack and assorted others inspect the still-living charred remains of the bomber. And I am less curious as to why the bomber is still alive, and more curious as to how they scooped him up and transported him to the hospital. They must have used one of these. A VERY BIG ONE OF THESE.

Dr. Caliente wonders if the body still has consciousness. Capt. Jack, however, wonders if it’ll stay alive without its head. The forensic pathologist is all, Hey! Let’s find out! and clips the remaining neck tendons, veins and arteries with garden clippers. Guess what? STILL ALIVE. The forensic pathologist gets all high-minded and starts blathering about deliberate intervention from something not of this planet. SERIOUS FACES ALL AROUND.

Gwen arrives at the hospital where she is greeted by the officer who called her in the first place, her former partner, Andy. Andy explains the whole Miracle Day business and how her father had good timing for his heart attacks, considering. Gwen’s mother scolds her for coming to visit, and accuses Gwen of feeding lard to the most adorable baby that adorabled. But all of this is minor compared to Gwen’s overwhelming sense of helplessness in all of this.

NOTE: Welsh accents are really hard to understand. It’s one part REALLY HARD LISTENING to three parts lip-reading. Seriously.

Gwen and Andy take over a hospital computer? And no one stops them? Sure, OK. And the computers say that fighting has ceased in Somalia as a result of this whole no death business, whereas North Korea has decided to up the crazy. Which is exactly what they would do, in case you were wondering. Up the crazy. The super-fun news is that when the 300,000 people that die every day stop dying, in a matter of months the population will get so out of control, society will collapse and we’ll be fighting one another for our stashes of Fruity Pebbles and Ramen. Time to hunker down, kids.

Gwen’s husband Rhys demands that she stop playing on the internet, and consider the upside of all this: their daughter will live forever! So maybe she should just let it go, yeah?

The next morning, Babe awakens in a very swanky apartment for a low-level CIA agent, unless low-level CIA agents make much more money than I realize, which they very well might, I’m not in the CIA. (Or am I?) Babe is fairly banged up, as is Capt. Jack in his dank little hideaway. This alarms him, being immortal and all that.

Rex and Babe consult one another on this whole “not dying” business and determine that people stopped dying at the exact same moment that the “TORCHWOOD” message was received by the CIA. Which certainly is a curious coincidence that you would think more people in the government would be interested in, but you’d be wrong. So Rex demands Babe book him and his gun a flight to the United Kingdom so that he can track down this Gwen Cooper person and find out what the hey is happening. He busts out of the hospital, flashing his badge and yelling at anyone who gets in his way that he’s CIA, which I don’t think is protocol, but fine, and then gets onto his flight to Heathrow, where, after being warned once by a stewardess to turn off his phone, his seatmate bodily takes it from him.

Despite the fact that the British government (or someone, this is still rather unclear to me) has been unsuccessfully hunting down Gwen Cooper, Babe and Rex are able to track down her exact location thanks to the phone call Officer Andy made to her about her father being in the hospital. ¡Qué suerte! And so Rex stumbles onto her lawn waving his gun and looking all the world like a zombie, which I guess he sorta is, and collapses. Rex has had a hard day.

In Kentucky, they are releasing Oswald? 24 hours after the failed execution? Because he threatened to sue the governor on ridiculous grounds? YEP. THAT’S THE WAY OUR CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM WORKS. EXACTLY. A++++ WORK, GUYS.

Gwen and Rhys have tied zombie Rex to a radiator, or rather, loosely wrapped some string around his wrists and draped them over a radiator and called it a day. He breaks free from this, duh. And that’s when the helicopter shows up with the RPGs. Gwen grabs her guns, and a set of headphones for the baby, and begins shooting her way out of the house. Running with the baby, running with the baby, running with the baby.

When the group emerge from the house, they find Captain Jack waiting for them in the yard. O HAI! Everyone loads up into a waiting jeep and there is a chase scene down the beach with the helicopter and everyone shooting and while I’m sure this was great fun to film, it’s all rather low-stakes since no one (with maybe the exception of Captain Jack) can die, right? WHATEVER. And then Gwen blows the helicopter out of the sky with some sort of very large gun, hooray.

10 p.m. Cardiff, the group arrives at the Hub from where Torchwood Three originally operated, and sort of wistfully talk about getting access to the weapons therein. Also, Captain Jack refers to the “tower” being rebuilt? I assume this means the primary Torchwood operation in London, where they built some sort of universe-crossing thing? Wherein the things can cross into universes? I’m good at the exposition. Captain Jack shows Gwen his wound and she understands the severity: he’s become mortal again, on the same day the entire planet has become immortal. HMM.

And that’s when the cops arrive and Rex announces that he is extraditing the Torchwood team to America, because Americans aren’t interested in watching a bunch of Brits run around shooting aliens in Wales. The end.

What Torchwood does well, based on my having seen one mini-series and this episode, is taking a big What If?, a big question and playing it out. In Children of Earth, they asked what are we willing to sacrifice, what are we willing to give, both as a society, and as individuals. It was very much an Abraham and Isaac fable; what would it take to make you sacrifice your child? If by sacrificing your child, you could save millions of others, would you do it? Could you? This is a chilling question! An impossible one, even. And the Torchwood folks handled it unflinchingly.

The theme of this series is obviously immortality, and the question of whether it would be a gift, or a terrible curse. From the beginning of time, we as a race have longed for some way to cheat death, either for ourselves or our loved ones. The prospect of an endless nothingness to greet us after a lifetime of consciousness is terrifying. As such, many religious beliefs center upon the concept of an immortal soul, either through a cycle of death and rebirth, or in the concept of an afterlife.

But physical immortality has been the obsession of our species as well. The Epic of Gilgamesh, one of the oldest pieces of known literature, focuses on a hero, Gilgamesh, who seeks out the secret of immortal life after his best friend, Enkidu, dies. And the hero’s journey ends with him never achieving it — a lesson, perhaps, in itself. Interestingly, immortality is a curse in the old Christian folktale of the Wandering Jew. According to the folklore, the Wandering Jew was a man who cursed Jesus as he was carrying his cross to his crucifixion and for his insolence, he was condemned to walk the Earth until the second coming. Sometimes this story is traced back even further to Cain, whom, after he kills his brother Abel, God curses: “You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

And thus, the questions we are being presented by Torchwood: is immortality a gift or a curse? Vampires obviously wrestle, often moodily, with this question all the time in literature and mopey teen movies. But what about immortality on a global scale? Most of us would jump at the opportunity to have our loved ones survive brutal heart attacks, like Gwen’s father. And as parents, imagining your child’s death, even a death after a long, well-lived life, is too brutal to contemplate. Who wouldn’t want the promise of immortality for their children? But, as the series points out, there’s only so much room on this planet, only so much to go around, and never-ending life might be a cruel punishment. Even worse, to retain consciousness and feel pain forever? Unlike Captain Jack, who clearly has regenerative abilities (when he had them), Rex and the splattered bomber might have to endure their unimaginable pain for all time; euthanasia is simply not an option under these rules.

Of course, the other question is, who is doing this? I thought it was curious that the forensic pathologist, while marveling at the bomber and his consciousness, noted that it was the work of someone else, but the story immediately jumped to an extraterrestrial, rather than a religious explanation. There’s no wondering at God, there is no presumption that this is some sort of Biblical act. I know that this is a sci-fi show about aliens, but I find it curious that an act with as many religious implications as this is never discussed in spiritual terms in the episode. After all, what use is an everlasting soul in a body that won’t die? BUT ANYWAY. Considering that Captain Jack is the only person on the planet who appears to be mortal now, I wonder if this isn’t an act of revenge or retribution by the 456, both on him and the entire human race for the events in Children of Earth. Probably not; it seems too simple, frankly. But it does seem awfully personal, whatever this is, aimed at Captain Jack, and I wonder if it won’t tie into some previous story or part of the grander mythology of Torchwood. Of which I know nothing.

It got off to a great, exciting start, and I’m looking forward to seeing where we’re headed! Are you happy with this new direction for Torchwood? Worried that it will lose its inherent Britishness now that it is in America? I, for one, don’t mind, but that again is because I’m fairly new to the series and am somewhat relieved at not having to try to decipher Welsh accents for two and a half months.

(And I hope to get these recaps up faster than this in the future — I won’t bore you with personal stuff, but it involves a beach house and in-laws and a limited amount of bandwidth on the free wifi. So, hopefully, when I’m broadcasting from home, we can get this done a little quicker. Thanks for your patience!)

9 Responses

As a part-time Dr. Who/Torchwood fan, you did good, T. If you don’t watch any other episodes from either series, you should watch the entirety of Season 3, Episode 10: Blink, the one you saw the youtube clip of. As a Lost fan, I suspect you’ll appreciate its toying with nonlinear narration.

“The death of Death,” runs the headline. Rather than searching for the Holy Grail of immortality, of resurrection for people, our heroes will search for a Holy Grail of Death. To resurrect Death itself, in all its glory. The glorification of Death. Yay Death! Go death!

Was I the only one who thought Rex crossing the bridge to enter Wales was Rex entering The Belly of the Whale? He’s on a Heroic Journey, right? He only mentioned the bridge (and having to pay for it) like three times. Also, the way Rex (his name means King) and Gwen’s father Geraint are both hospitalized for heart failure, and how difficult it is for Rex to move around, it all seems very Fisher King to me. I think there’s a lot of potential for exploring Welsh Mythology in this series — have you read The Mabinogion yet?

Love the mirroring of Jack and Esther. Great name, Esther. Definitely worth some attention.

Therese, one of the themes from the past few seasons of Doctor Who has been the idolization and worship of the Doctor. In Series Three, he’s likened in several respects to Jesus Christ — one episode has his “Last Temptation,” another has him practically resurrected by having the whole world praying to him via the ArchAngel telecommunications and satellite network — in the Whoniverse, psychic energy is real and can have material applications. In another episode, a family from ancient Pompeii saved from Vesuvius by the Doctor puts his image on their altar of “household gods.” Anywho, when Gwen and Rhys go to visit the hospital, there’s this line about how the hospitals are “the new churches”, and that “doctors are being worshipped.” Maybe this is your spiritual angle? I do hope the religious implications are played out in this series.

Hardcore Torchwood Fan here.I totally LUV’d ‘Children of Earth’.What a krazy twist, child addicted aliens? I laughed when that was know to us because I was shocked. Never saw it coming.BUT, from what I’ve seen of Miracle Day in the 1st Ep. It seems safe. Hollywood has a way of buggering up a good thing. I hope they don’t do that with Torchwood!

Good recap for a partial newby. I also loved the Owen Harper references by Jack. I too hope this is not prettied up by Hollywood. I think the character played by Mehki Pfifer over acts by a mile…or two. I do hope the real sexy bisexual-mostly-gay Capt. Jack will remain and that he will get a new Ianto if the real Ianto cannot be brought back somehow. I love the kick-ass Gwen Cooper and she should be marketed above the new American characters (and I AM American but saw all three series from BBC twice before Hollywood’s version Season 4 began). She is as much a hero as Jack and of the original cast. Love her Welsh accent and I love her shooting at the helicopter from her upstairs window while holding her baby.

Religion is never mentioned in Doctor Who? Poppycock! The Church is the Doctor’s antagonist in the very latest episode! Yes, the Anglican Marines — symbolized by the convergence of Omega and Alpha — are the ones holding his companion against her will (they want to steal her baby!) and they’ve joined with the Order of the Headless Monks by the divine decree of the Papal Mainframe Herself.

Doctor Who has a long history of painting religion in such broad strokes.