"Reality has a well-known liberal bias."

If there is one thing we can take from history, it’s that white men have never done anything wrong.

For example, blacks in Africa: we brought them to America, giving them food and shelter in exchange for labor. They treated us as liberators, and while they talk a big game to encourage the proliferation of the welfare state, clearly they are thankful because… well, they haven’t gone back! Plenty of top-notch conservative minds have pointed out that slavery was the best thing to ever happen to blacks.

White people are also responsible for Thanksgiving, a celebration of the free market over socialism.

Some people MISTAKENLY think Thanksgiving was about the sharing of crops or the alliance of Native Americans and the Pilgrims … H*CK NO!

Thanksgiving has never been about giving to anybody. Think about how we celebrate Thanksgiving: it’s a once a year celebration of what we are all able to give ourselves! Why else do we all go out shopping early in the morning the day after Thanksgiving? To get a head start on giving ourselves stuff to celebrate next Thanksgiving!

We patriots are so eager in fact, that retailers like Walmart are ethically allowing their laborers to sell us discounted 90″ televisions and SodaStreams instead of spending time with their families like we get to!

The history books, which were all written by people who received a college education which means they are liberals that cannot be trusted, say that white people came to the Americas and began to take land from the Native Americans, who did not understand the idea of land ownership.

But I can tell you what really happened.. and you won’t believe it!

The Native American leader who oversaw the first Thanksgiving was named Chief Nobama of the Democratparty Tribe. All of the people in the tribe under his leadership were deathly ill. Prior to the white man showing up, they had instituted a new policy called Machu Picchu, an Indian word that does not translate directly into English but essentially means Obamacare. The amount of pebbles the mandatory insurance under Machu Picchu cost bankrupted every member of the Democratparty Tribe, leaving them completely unable to buy food or toilet paper to build their homes.

That is when the Righteous, Godly, Amazing white people arrived. They tried to liberate the Native Americans from the socialist reign of their Muslim atheist Kenyan Indian chief, but the Indians refused. Because the Pilgrims were PROUD CAPITALISTS, they took all the food the Democratparty Tribe had and said it belonged to them. Then, they killed the Indians… just to prove to them that their economic system was wrong.

There is even a book by Coral Ridge Ministries, which nobody has ever heard of, called “10 Truths About Socialism”, which nobody has ever read, telling the same basic story: Pilgrims tried socialism, starved, God appeared and taught them the free market and the fact that government regulation is evil, and then suddenly they had food.

Although by the end of this tale the Pilgrims have learned their lesson, Zach’s account of Thanksgiving is obviously far superior because it is consistent with the historical axiom that white people never do anything wrong.

Pat Buchanan would be proud. Make sure you spread this, the NEW Thanksgiving Story, to all of your conservative friends.