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Relationship breakdown

​When a breakdown in a relationship occurs, it’s sometimes the case that one of the people involved has been preparing to check out for months (if not longer), while the other is completely blindsided. This can leave the person who has been taken by surprise at a significant disadvantage in both emotional and practical terms.

The person who has decided to depart from the relationship has gone through a process of detaching themselves emotionally and this can add to the confusion and hurt of the other as they have to process the shock of their relationship ending and come to terms with the realisation that the person they considered their life partner is now treating them like a stranger.

In retrospect they may realise that there were telltale signs leading up to the split, the distancing, the change in routine or enthusiasm for joint activities, the working late, the gradual withdrawal. When life is busy and stressful these signs are often glossed over as a temporary phase that will correct itself as part of life’s ups and downs.

If a third party is involved, there may also be an element of guilt for the departing partner. Unlike the cliché in the movies where a cheating partner will shower their spouse with flowers and other gifts to cover their clandestine behaviour, it’s more likely that the guilt will result in angry outbursts, put downs, constant criticism, gas-lighting and blame. A filter will be put on the relationship by the partner wishing to exit, so that all of the happy memories are filtered out and only the unhappy aspects are recalled. Often a cheating partner doesn’t like to think of themselves as such, so they justify their behaviour to themselves by demonising their spouse and punishing them for being their source of shame.

To be on the receiving end of this treatment is soul destroying and confusing. It damages confidence, self-esteem and the ability to trust for a long time. Life can suddenly seem surreal and hollow. A sense of immense Grief and feeling of overwhelm may result. It can be very hard to function, to care for children, go to work, to face family and friends. It can also feel incredibly humiliating.When you’re under an emotional onslaught like this it is not a good time to have to make important financial and legal decisions; sadly this is often the time that major decisions of this nature are forced upon you; in fact the vulnerability of one partner may even be used by the other to get them to sign away their rights while they are not in a position to think clearly and rationally. Bullying and manipulation come into play.

I often hear (particularly women) say “I rushed through everything, because I just wanted it to be over. I couldn’t handle the emotional weight of it all”. Sadly, rushing through the process of Divorce or Separation without allowing yourself time to consider things properly and fully understand the implications of this immense life change can have a very long term detrimental impact. If there are children involved it can disadvantage them significantly, but even when there are no children, being too quick to agree to someone else’s terms when a relationship breaks down and there are joint finances/assets involved can leave you severely disadvantaged financially for years afterwards.

Conversely, making unreasonable demands out of a desire for revenge can be incredibly costly both emotionally and financially. It is easy to fall prey to the idea that keeping your ex in litigation as a method of punishing them will somehow make you feel better, but (particularly when there are kids involved) a resolution that allows both parties to move forward with their lives is generally a good goal to set.

If you are struggling to process your emotions, talking things through with a professional is recommended. It can enable you to regain your emotional breath. To tell your story to an impartial and trained professional, allows you the mental space to process your thoughts and feelings uninterrupted and without the biased input from friends, relatives and colleagues. To be allowed to express yourself freely, without having to put on a brave face is very cathartic. A trained Counsellor can help you navigate through your feelings, rather than becoming stuck retelling the same story so often that it starts to feel as if you’re defined by your relationship breakdown.​ Family Law Counsellors do not provide legal advice, however they have an understanding of the process and can support you and help you work through your thoughts, feelings and options to gain greater clarity. Your solicitor will provide the legal advice and guidance if and when required.

It is a very tough time, but it doesn’t last forever. You will get through it and you will wake up one day ready for and looking forward to the rest of your life.Grief and Loss Counselling

​Going through a relationship breakdown can be one of the toughest experiences in life. It can knock our confidence, make us question our judgement and in some cases even our sanity.

If the relationship has been longer term it’s likely that on top of the emotional entanglement that there will also be some financial involvement to untangle. In a lot of cases and taking precedence over all else there may be kids to consider. It can all be incredibly complex and overwhelming.

If you’re lucky you will have some supportive family and friends to step in and help you work your way through the minefield of legality, upset, uncertainty and grief for that dreamed of shared future that’s no longer going to happen. However, sometimes even well-meaning people can bring their own bias, and ill-informed advice and this can add to the pressure and confusion.

Here are some tips to help in the initial stages:

Don’t allow yourself to be rushed into making important decisions, signing documentation, agreeing to any kind of legal settlement while you are upset and not thinking clearly; you can be particularly vulnerable to manipulation and coercion during the early stages of a break-up. This isn't to say that it will happen, however if you feel someone is pressuring or rushing you than chances are that it is. Trust your gut. If there is a significant amount financially at stake get good legal advice, if possible based on a recommendation from someone who has had a positive experience with the solicitor in the past. When considering a financial settlement it’s important to consider multiple factors, your housing/location requirements, your day to day budget requirements (use the calculator at www.smartmoney.gov.au for this as an initial guide), childcare if applicable, potential future earnings as impacted by childcare responsibilities, out of school activity costs, out of pocket medical and dental expenses for kids, extra-curricular activities, private health insurance, superannuation, tax on investments – the list goes on. Don’t rush it. Many people are disadvantaged for years and years because they “just wanted to get settlement over and done with” and didn't take the time to work out their own needs and legal entitlements.

Get some help. If you are finding it difficult to function, go to your GP and let them know what’s going on for you. As a Counsellor I'm biased, but I believe it is very important that you talk through how you’re feeling with a professional. A Counsellor will be objective, and will give you space to process your own thoughts and feeling from start to finish, without having layers of other people’s opinions complicating things.

Don’t become a night-owl, try to stick to a reasonable sleeping routine. Lack of sleep can contribute to stress and clouded thinking. If you have trouble sleeping there are strategies to get around this such as breathing techniques and sleep hygiene principals which can be found on-line. A good therapist will be able to help with this. Your GP will also be able to provide some short term assistance if required.

Get some exercise. A brisk walk can help clear the mind and release some endorphins. A workout at the gym can help release some frustration. Daily exercise will also help with the quality of your sleep

Stay connected with friends. It’s sometimes tempting to withdraw, but being able to interact with people and feel friendship can be very healing.

If you have kids, let them know often that they are loved through actions as well as words. Try to let them feel “in the loop” as this can be a frightening and unsettling time for them; feeling as though they know what’s going on is much less scary than leaving them to use their incredibly vivid imaginations to work it out.

Try to keep your kids in their routine as much as possible. If you can manage it get them to activities and keep them involved with friends and family. Try not to give in to the temptation to criticize their other parent to them, or to use them as messengers or spies.

If, after the initial news of the separation has had time to process, you notice significant changes in your kids behaviour, school performance or relationships and they are not responding to your efforts to reach out to them, don’t be afraid to get professional help. .If kids find they are unable to articulate their feelings they may act them out in other ways, a professional can help them process their feelings in a safe supportive environment.

Be compassionate towards yourself. This is critical. You may feel like blaming yourself or lashing out, you may feel a sense of humiliation or failure. It can be a very painful and often isolating time and emotions may come in a Tsunami, followed by periods of calm, in turn followed by waves coming at you when least expected for a while. Take concrete steps to take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

This tough time won't last forever. The feelings begin to subside and life takes on a new form of normal. As the saying goes "This too shall pass". When the dust settles it can be an opportunity to reassess and make decisions about the direction you want to take in life. For a lot of people it's a chance to flourish in their own right, often the people that are most devastated go on to live lives far more fulfilling than the one they were experiencing during the former relationship.

If you'd like to make an appointment to come and see me and talk things through my number is 0435 923 817, I'm a Professional Counsellor and Clinical Hypnotherapist located in Mentone.

Author

Melbourne Hypnotherapist Georgina Mitchell was born in Ireland, moving to Australia in 1989. Georgina Specialises in helping people with Anxiety Disorders and is an active member of the Melbourne Hypnotherapy Community. In Melbourne Hypnosis is being accepted as effective tool for anyone wanting to achieve a positive change in Mood, Behaviour and Habit.

Hypnotherapy Melbourne Reviews for Hypfocus

"Georgina has helped me overcome depression and anxiety so that I was able to finish my course and get a job. I've started going to the gym again which I had previously given up because I felt too self-conscious and couldn't stand being hot. It's really changed my life for the better, I can manage my thoughts and don't have the overwhelming feelings that used to see me spiraling downwards anymore. I've tried other therapies and this was my last resort, I can't recommend her highly enough"

Disclaimer: As with all therapies Hypnotherapy results vary from person to person. This website is not intended as a substitute for medical advice or treatment. The reader should consult their GP for medical advice and for any symptoms that may require medical intervention. The content on this website is for the information of people considering Hypnotherapy at Hypfocus.

Hypfocus Practitioner Georgina Mitchell Is A Member of the HCA

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