One woman, three children, a husband & an unreasonably angry cat. **Now with added puppy!**

Why I Hate Chess

I have never liked chess – the game, that is, and not the musical. I mean, what’s not to like about a show that contains a song like ‘One Night In Bangkok’?

The reasons I don’t like chess (the game) are numerous and extremely rational. They include:

Chess is upsetting. I regard the capture of any of my pieces as a deep affront upon my person. It physically hurts me and makes me hate my opponent with an ice cold passion.

Chess is time-consuming. I read somewhere that if there are 50 consecutive moves without any piece taken, you can call a draw. So even if I got my opponent to agree not to take any of my pieces, we’d have to sit through 50 moves before the game would end. In a ‘speed’ Chess round where players are given, say, four hours to complete each turn, this would mean I’d be 180 years old before the game finished. This is almost as bad as a game of Monopoly with four-year-olds.

Chess is thinly-disguised classist propaganda. My inner-socialist hates the fact that all the pieces aren’t equal and that some pieces aren’t valued as much as other pieces from the “born-to-rule” class.

Chess is misogynistic. My inner-feminist wants to know why everyone’s hell-bent on saving the King when he’s obviously so drunk he can only move one square at a time. The Queen, in stark contrast, has got these amazing superpowers that are actually worth protecting – although admittedly, one could argue she’s clearly able to look after herself, thank you very much.

Chess is a game of strategy. The closest thing I get to thinking strategically is sticking three lollipops in the bottom of my handbag so I can get out of the toy department in Target with my kids without creating a scene. But at the end of the day, chess pieces don’t eat lollipops.

Chess is boring. I really only like games that lend themselves easily to drinking- and/or stripping versions. Fact.

Chess is stupid. I fail to understand how a building the size of a castle can move more quickly than a horse. That is just stupid.

My husband, on the other hand, hates all board games with a passion but makes an except for chess. I think this is mostly because he enjoys making lots of “hard-core pawn” jokes.

He is currently teaching Mr Justice, aged almost 8, how to play. Mr Justice likes it because, in his words, he’s a “genius at maths” (as well as being incredibly modest). The Pixie loves playing chess, too, but she plays by different rules called ‘Bad Man Rules’ in which my husband sets up the board and The Pixie knocks off all his pieces in quick succession with one of her own pieces, shouting “Bad Man!” as she does it. As a consequence, the game is over very quickly. She’s no fool, my daughter.

Even Mr McGee likes to play chess, but only by stealing pieces when nobody is looking and hiding them in various places – some of which are entirely understandable, like the recycling bin, and others a bit more bizarre, such as down his pants. Which, now I think about it, is probably a strategy I’ll adopt if anyone ever challenges me to a game of Strip Chess. Which, now I think about it some more, somebody definitely will do, especially since I’ve admitted to all the above, and one of these days, I’ll no doubt find myself 180 years old with a bishop in my undies… Enough said.

My hatred of chess is related to my hatred of Monopoly, checkers, Life, and every other board game in the world. I hate them all because my brother used to beat us at them consistently, and then use his position as victor to get us to make his bed, cook his breakfast, etc.

Yes, he cheated. Yes, we short-sheeted him and spat in his scrambled eggs.

I have no idea how to play Chess. Which is why I am clearly the perfect person to teach Mr6 how to play. We are having our first game this afternoon. I will have a glass of wine with it, I think, after reading this.

I cannot play chess and have no desire too … except My 9 is now obsessed with it. He keeps trying to teach it to me, but always ends up winning. Somehow, I think, he’s making up the rules as we go along …

Perhaps we need to get your 9 year old and my nearly 8 year old together to get this chess thing out of their systems. That way they might have half a chance at turning into a normal human being who realises castles can’t move faster than horses.

Son is happily playing chess now with his dad. But he has very interesting rules – So its kind of like one of those childhood games, where one of you keeps going “but I said the rule was we had to touch this pole three times, run a round the tree and back to the fence before you yell barley” when what the rule really was was “the tree is barley” (barley being ‘if I’m touching it you can’t tag me – my favorite part of any chasing game) – so its best if you just tune into internal white static and go with the flow of – ‘oh yes, if the horse goes that way, the pawn slides in its track’.
And am SO glad someone else likes the music from chess – I no longer feel so daggy 🙂 – and I have “one night in bangkok” stuck in my head now – mixed with “i knew him so well” which I now find seems to be disturbingly about Pawn (ha! Ha!) and cheating on someone…hmmm…who wrote it again?

There is a chess club at my eldest’s school. She went twice, and reported it to be boring.

“Why?” said I, mildly puzzled, as she likes most board games a lot and anything vaguely mathematical even more, and is, in fact, shit-hot at chess.

“Oh, well..” she said, and shrugged.

Later I heard from one of her friends that she didn’t like it because, and I quote, “she said it took too long to convince the grade 6 boys that she was going to win, even though she knew she was after three moves.”

So yeah uhuh, chess. A game for the nerds (of which my girl is unashamedly one) and woe betide the rest of us.

(I suck at it, BTW. I make her father play her now, he can usually last at least a dozen moves).

What a mind your daughter must have. The only game I’ve ever known I was going to win was a poker game where I was heavily pregnant and thus completely sober while everyone else was very very drunk. I guess that’s what it must feel like to be incredibly intelligent in this world – everyone else seems drunk. Oh, except without the swollen ankles and heartburn.

What is wrong with you? Just because you dont like chess doesnt mean that you have to be a hater!? But then again you seem to be a very pessimistic person with your article dripping with sarcasm about modest children. You really have my utmost sympathy for not being able to comprehend chess because it is the best game in the world other than starcraft. You must have a very sad life indeed with no purpose if you are unable to simply ignore that which you dont like and have to throw it out into everybodys face who happens to enjoy it

There are many many things wrong with me but expressing my opinion on my own blog is not one of them. I’m not sure if, since my readership is depressingly small, that this counts as “throw[ing] it in everybody’s face”.

By the way, I have nothing against people who play chess. I just don’t like the game.

You, however, seem to have a lot against people who don’t like chess. That seems fair.

And how can you hold such hatred against a game where you haven’t even tried to learn how to play!? IF youve lost a game in two moves (which is the lowest possible amount of moves your able to lose in) you must not have even tried to learn and further your skills. If you spent half an hour online looking up general strategies you would be able to last at least 20 moves against your daughter

Possibly you are confusing my comment and the NDM’s post? I didn’t say I hated chess, just that I was bad at it (which I am). And I do know how to play, as in, know the rules. I don’t lose in two moves – not sure where you got that from – but I do, usually, lose. I’m just not very good at the strategy, whereas my daughter is. Perhaps because I am less intelligent than her. Which appears to be your whole point, so yeah! Well done! Congratulations!

Further more you cant discern if you are going to win a game in 3 moves, because your daughters opponents may have been applying to the psychological aspect of chess, in which many openings pertain to, in order to fool her opponents! Even GrandMasters (one of the highest chess ranking given) will use these openings

“our daughters opponents may have been applying to the psychological aspect of chess, in which many openings pertain to, in order to fool her opponents”
Might have been, but in this case, were not. As she did in fact win these games quite handsomely, I am told.

Chess isnt time consuming either, unless you let your life be dictated to it, which many players have sadly done. Havnt you heard of blitz chess?? You should buy a game clock and set each side to one minute and see if chess still takes too long! A beginner cant even press the clock in time if he spends 1 second on each move

And dont let your daughter stop going to chess club its an amzing club, and most children develope their skills in middle school. After stayuing in the middle school chess club for three years my chess skills had doubled in skill( and i was already an adequate player to begin with)

I certainly have no intention of either stopping my daughter attending chess club OR forcing her to attend if she doesn’t want to. Coercion with extracurricular activities not being a signature part of my parenting style. Thanks for your opinion though.

Lol Its a trasitional state A castle is a rook And a rook is a bird which results in a speed like quality kinda like the transitive property 😀 analogy; All squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares: All Castles are rooks; but not all rooks are castles xD

Holy hell. I haven’t heard of blitz chess! Or starcraft! I feel so inadequate.

I do own a lovely computerised chess game from the late 80s though. It still has its box and everything so it’s got to be worth something. Maybe TheNDM will let me post a classified ad on her blog, since there are obviously so many chess enthusiasts amongst her readership?

Sounds great! Luckily for me, when I tweeted to @zucchinibikini something along the lines of “WHAT THE FUCK IS STARCRAFT?”, a bot answered me within seconds asking me if I’d pre-ordered Starcraft II yet. I purchased it IMMEDIATELY sight unseen. I think my life is about to turn around.

Dear Spilt Milk,
I just read your reply to my partner and he practically started drooling over the memory of your computerised chess game and told me all about the mechanism that operates it blah…blah…blah…
It would probably warrant an ebay ad if it gets that much enthusiasm from the first random person it gets mentioned to 🙂

Lol, you are correct sire. But just by being part of a posting on this website also classifies you as one of those without a life 😀
And i am truly filled with remorse for you, your life must be so painful not being able to enjoy a great game of chess. Chess is amazing the way to portrays a life with equal starting positions and you are only pained by the choice you make, and not unfortunate circumstances.

It’s obvious if I want to pump up my blog comments I need to post about how much my son enjoys chess (he lobbied at his school to start a junior school chess club) and how I have studiously avoided learning anything more than the most basic information about how pieces move.

I’d write more here but I’m saving all the information about how my dysfunctional relationship with my father (who taught my son to play chess, but never taught me) and my fragile self-esteem (which prevents me from undertaking any activity that will allow me to be beaten by a child) for my own blog post to draw in a flurry of comments.

See, NDM. Chess isn’t so bad. Look how much fun we’ve all had reading your post and commenting. 🙂

After reading this of course I got “One night in Bangkok” stuck in my head, which sucks a bit for me as I only know the one line so its just “One night in Bangkok…daa…. daa…daa…” over and over.
Thankfully the 80’s internet radio kicked in not long after and my brain was filled with ….
“Believe it or not,
IIII’m walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free-e-e-e
Flying away oooon a wing and a prayer.
Who could it beeee?
Believe it or not it’s just meeee.”
…. for the rest of the night. Though I’m not sure its a better song…at least I know the lyrics!
Now lets see how many of you get stuck with that one 🙂

I hate chess for mostly different reasons. Chess is almost psychically set up to favor certain personalities I think. Can’t prove it, but some people WEASEL THEIR GOD DAMN WAY OUT’VE EVERYTHING in chess!!! Usually that doesn’t appear to be skill, but luck. The pieces are mostly just decoys, and you never really get to use them. You merely THINK that you will be able to use them… hence, the “addiction” of chess. If you don’t use your queen, then you will lose that piece later on without even having benefited. If you try to use it earlier, then you will simply lose it earlier. It’s all an illusion, a mindfuck.

I dont like people who want to play chess because they are the sort who know they are probably going to have a fair chance of winning. It is much better to go out for a beer or coffee or dinner with someone and really talk to them, or if not that, a walk can work. People who play chess dont want to socialize, they want to win, usually. If anyone asks me for a game of chess they can put it the pieces up their rear end. Anyway house chores or your actual work or study is more important to get done anyway. Shopping is more fun and that way you get the groceries done which need ding. People who play chess waste time and help no one. It is also a very boring game although due to the fact that it is so complicated, difficult and tedious it has one psychological place – and that is for putting people to sleep. It works almost like a pill and can be prescribed by psychologists for this reason. Make sure they can fall asleep in the place they are doing it, though.

I dont like chess nor think it builds the mind – it is a waste of most peoples time they could spend doing more productive things. Often it is not a game that white people or Euro-Americans on average are as good at – it has roots in the eastern and asian countries where many more people master it, aswell as Russia although that to some degree and still less than India, middle east, China or southeast Asian countries. We have to acknowledge that if we are not from such a background like that then it is less likely something that is in our cultural value to play and master and I do not appreciate it when people from our own culture or not try to make us look inferior for not being any good at it – it is not a measure of everything at all like other learning and everyday activities are

About 2: chess is indeed time consuming but it is 4 hours for the whole game, not per move and we don’t need to play 50 moves to agree on a draw.

About 4: I don’t think chess is misogynistic, quite the opposite! The king is can only move one square at a time (or sometimes 2 when he really have too) while the queen has no problems moving all the way across the board. Also pieces defend the king because he is weak! The queen can take care of herself.

Billiards is much more fun than chess and can also help in your reasoning abilities. I was able to reach such a conclusion from experimenting with online games. Maybe the multi colored balls is attractive and makes the game more visual and interesting. I am not actually as much a visual learner as some other people are although I find chess too low on that domain, and it makes me want to go to sleep. Darts is more boring than billiards although I still would take it over chess anytime

1. chess does not give any benefit for both players and and audience. it only makes them feel fun which logically doesn’t increase their quality of life, and does not solve any of world’s problems. also the majority of chess players and people who like chess are certainly rude and evil. no, its not like any other community in general. most chess lovers are rude and evil. they are all fake geniuses. being good at something not even giving any benefit… only retards would be proud of it. i have been viewing Chess forums and live chess matches on internet for several years. most of their members are rude and evil people. trust me! rudeness and evil are literally related to chess.

2. and what kind of war where two sides agree to make one movement and let their opponent do one movement after that and do one movement again after that and so forth? and its limited by what kind of moves they are allowed to do. in war, your moves and movements are not limited by those silly rules. anyone who follows chess philosophy would ruin military.

3. and why the heck would you let the opponent’s king runaway when you are only few centimeters from him and you have a sword? ohh.. because horse can only move following the letter L rule!! and this is not your turn to move!! and HEY you can’t move out of here!! our battleground only has 32 squares. hahaha!!

4. and what kind of army led by two leaders? one is Queen and one is Kind and you can kill Queen but you can’t kill King? and why should Queen have larger movements in war than Soldiers do (Pawns, Knights)??

5. and what are Bishops for? religious propaganda? they would end up being killed!! they can’t defend themselves because they are only armed with Bibles and Cross necklaces.
go send your bishops to fight extremists several thousands kilometers from their nations. trust me. tell them to introduce people with love and mercy.
on TV you will see the news about them being beheaded.

6. and how the hell would you move Castle into front lines in battleground? its not even Bastion, Bunker, or Aircraft Carrier isn’t it? its Castle. imagine royal army carrying Chillingham Castle or Quinian Castle to battleground? what the hell is up is that?? what kind of strategy is that?

and if its Rook then why do you say “Castle King/Queen Side!” ??

7. Hey why can’t a King hide in an armored vehicle? why can’t he ride a horse ? no his soldiers are even allowed to carry his body.

8. Why doesn’t anyone think of using Catapults, Ballistas, Nangonels, or Arrows or building Canals in battlegound? instead, they send Queens and Bishops in front lines ?? whoah whoah..

9. and what makes you sure when your soldier reaches enemy’s territory he will end up being a Knight or Bishop or Queen or… Rook ? Huh? your soldier turn into a living stuff?? LOL

10. And last, where the hell are their palaces? where do Kings and Queens eat, drink, sleep, take shower, and use toilets?

Anyone who disagrees with me :
Don’t say this is just a board game and it depends on the person blah blah blah. Read my 1 point for the reason why chess deserves being hated, regardless the unrealistic features.

sometimes i think i compliment the board game. i mean, thongs are even more useful. you can use thongs to wipe or wrap something. but chess? you can’t make chess useful unless you destroy chess boards and pieces and make them something else. which means, chess is only useful if it is destroyed. and you don’t have to destroy thongs to wipe your wet chair, do you?

1. Regarding ‘Chess is upsetting.’: If you can’t get over a simple piece being captured, then apparently you are too immature to play such a game. Some of the most genius chess moves of all time required giving up great pieces. Also, perhaps you should try setting up a defense to avoid such pieces being captured.
2. Regarding ‘Chess is time-consuming.’: A draw occurs much before fifty moves. You may ask your opponent for a draw at any point in the game. If it is an obviously drawn position, nobody is going to spend fifty wasted moves on a game that can’t be won. Only the most stubborn patzer would allow that.
3. Regarding ‘Chess is thinly-disguised classist propaganda’ and ‘Chess is mysoginistic.’: You have got to be kidding me. Of course the pieces aren’t going to be equal. Chess is a game of war! You don’t see a lieutenant and a general being equivalent in war. There are rankings, and each peace represents so. Also, nobody needs a feminazi calling out a game that has been shaped for hundreds of years. It is a game; there is no mysoginy. If the king and queen were equal, it would be impractical for the game. If the king did all the work, and the queen was being protected, you would just say that the queen should be able to do stuff on her own.
4. Regarding ‘Chess is a game of strategy.’: Well, obviously. That’s why some of the greatest minds in history play it. That’s what makes it a difficult game worth mastering.
5. Regarding ‘Chess is boring.’ and ‘Chess is stupid.’: You want strip chess and chess as a drinking game? Perhaps you should look up Carlos Repetto and Alexander Alekhine. As for your opinion that chess is stupid? Well, if it’s stupid, why are you bad at it? Also, as previously stated, chess has changed much over the years. The pieces don’t necessarily work as they once did. A rook moves faster than a knight, probably because the piece changed over the years.

If you don’t understand the game, fine, but there is no reason to insult a game that has managed to last years upon years. Many of the players are smarter than you will ever be, and to quote you, “Fact.” Now, before you go on to say that I am just some old dude with a beard, or something, I am a fourteen year old girl. Considering I can apparently refute all of your arguments, as a fourteen year old girl, perhaps you should stop attempting to insult a game you don’t even have the mental capability to understand. Thank you.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post titled ‘Why I hate Chess’.

Might I suggest to you that next time you respond to an anti-chess post, you should perhaps first look at the context within which it has been written. My blog post – now written over 5 years ago – was written in a very tongue-in-cheek style as part of a larger, tongue-in-cheek blog.

If you had read any more of my blog, you would realise that when I say my reasons for hating chess are “extremely rational”, I mean the complete opposite of “extremely rational”. I am not inviting rational debate on the subject – quite the opposite. I’m being deliberately stupid about a game that I know nothing about. So there’s little point in correcting me when I already know I’m not being correct.

Sorry wasted your time. Luckily, as a fourteen year old girl, you still have the rest of your life ahead of you.

if you want to know what is worse than NAZI and ISIL? it is chess and the fanboys who defend it and keep commenting how great the board game is, even being upset by the people who mock it. ya know at the same time, chess fanboys and chess players like to insult other people. why are they offended when someone mocks that silly board game? go to chess forums and chats, you can always find tons of chess lovers who like to insult. they like to insult others or things but they dont like it if you insult their fave game? hahaha double standard!

i have been sick of terrorism. i have been sick of trashy music. and i have been sick of silly dogma. but none is worse than chess! NAZI and ISIL are recognized as vile people but chess kills you but the world worships it. chess is a devilish idol. but people dont realize it. chess fanboys are the only people who can make NAZI and ISIL look like Angels! especially western chess fanboys. they’re lower than animals. while chess fangirls are submissive slaves who would love to be beaten and humiliated by their masters all the time. hahaha

offended ? = go back to hell!

and chess lovers, and dont say i am bad at chess. i defeated Shredder online in Hard mode. i still hate the game. hahahaha shame on you chess lovers!

PS : blog author. please no censor. chess players say anything they want. we should have that freedom too! this is anti-chess paradise!

chess is nothing but a game played by impolite, rude, annoying people just like the comments made by the butthurt cons in this comment section. while the pros have rational arguments why chess is horrible. i mean look at the comments above me. and do comparison. any sane people can tell the cons aka chess lover retards have terrible arguments cause their brains are only filled with 64 monochrome tiles with 32 pieces of shit.

I’m closing the comments on this post because after six years of abuse, I’m no longer enjoying the attention of chess-loving trolls.

For future chess-lovers who take issue with this post, here (again) is the response that I gave a previous commenter:

“Might I suggest to you that next time you respond to an anti-chess post, you should perhaps first look at the context within which it has been written. My blog post – now written over 5 years ago – was written in a very tongue-in-cheek style as part of a larger, tongue-in-cheek blog.

If you had read any more of my blog, you would realise that when I say my reasons for hating chess are “extremely rational”, I mean the complete opposite of “extremely rational”. I am not inviting rational debate on the subject – quite the opposite. I’m being deliberately stupid about a game that I know nothing about. So there’s little point in correcting me when I already know I’m not being correct.”