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Extracts

These are a few extracts from the first half of book one, "New Beginnings". The insertion of double horizontal lines between extracts denotes a section of 'missing' blog updates; they are, of course, included in the original book.

INTRODUCTION

Natasha Arden is 31. She’s recently single after an acrimonious break-up with her boyfriend, and she lives in a small town in Cheshire. She works for a children’s charity which provides short-term accommodation for teenagers with family difficulties, and she loves her job. She also loves music, food, sex, and clothes (not necessarily in that order).

Family background: Tasha has an older sister, Lucy, who lives in London. Their mum died last year after a short illness which had followed a fairly recent diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease. Mum is survived by her brother Phil and sister Ann; sister Mavis died several years ago. Dad died when Tasha was 12; he’d been a violent alcoholic throughout Tasha and Lucy’s childhood. Dad’s family haven’t been in touch since his death.

This is Tasha’s blog, written in three parts over twenty-three months of her life – January to July, August to February, and February to November. "New Beginnings" is the title of part one (January - July).

Natasha may write in a chatty, light-hearted way, but her story is not a romantic comedy: she faces moral dilemmas, heartache, and difficult choices. You may laugh with her at times, but you'll also cry with and for her as she tries to make the best of what life throws her way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday 4 January

New Year, new blog!

I'm not sure who I'm
writing this for, but Hayley said on Facebook that everyone's doing it so I
thought I'd give it a go. Plus, given how things ended with Gavin, and seeing
as I've actually made NY resolutions this year, it might be a good idea to give
myself somewhere to record my feelings and then I can look back later and see
how I'm doing.

New Year's Resolutions

1. Lose weight - at least
1 stone

2. Pay bills on time - no
more arrears!

3. Stop biting nails

4. Finish NVQ

5. Save for trip to New York

6. Remember birthdays -
buy birthday book

7. Join the gym

I've finally written my
letter to Gavin's mum and told her the truth about what happened, rather than
Gavin's edited version of it.I only
posted it on Monday so she probably hasn't got it yet, but I feel so much
better about it all now - writing it all down was very cathartic.I think I can even forgive him now, too,
which is new.Hopefully this means that
I'm moving on.

I still fancy Jamie like
mad.I know he's married and it's
obvious he adores his wife and their little girl, but a girl can look, can't
she? I wish I didn't find him so attractive - I get all flustered when he's around,
and I know it's never going to go anywhere so it's a complete waste of time -
but he's just so bloody gorgeous.He
came in wearing a new red jumper yesterday and I couldn't take my eyes off him
- had to take myself off to the laundry room to clear my head.Lisa said he'd had it for Xmas, and she said
he had a lovely new aftershave on too but I didn't let myself get close enough
to get a whiff .... might have lost control if I had hehehe.

Christmas and New Year
seem to have flown by in a flash, even with the two weeks I had off.Coming back to work yesterday I felt like I
hadn't been away! The Xmas party was good, but I was gutted that J wasn't
there.I know he doesn't do those
things, but I'd hoped he might have had a change of heart.He said yesterday that his little girl had
been poorly on New Year's Eve so I don't suppose he got to do much then either,
even at home.Darren snatched a kiss
under the mistletoe; nice kisser, nice looker, but he's not J. [sigh]

Work is going fine.The kids we've got at the moment are a rowdy bunch
but they're no trouble really and we're all working really well together now
that Maxine has left.We've all come to
realise what a negative affect she'd had on us as a team, and J made a point of
telling us to not keep worries to ourselves again like we'd been doing.He's so good - so much better than Barry was
as a manager - and so lovely with it.The only downside is that Vinnie now thinks he should be Deputy Manager
and he's a bit grumpy that that's not happened, but I'm sure J and the Area Director
will be doing something about that.Not
sure I want V as DM, to be honest - he's too bossy as it is - but hey ho it's
not for me to decide.

With it being Friday I
worked the late shift today, so no drinks night for me tonight.I'm not that bothered, if I'm honest - I'm
sure if I cut down on booze it will help with the weight loss plan, and it's
mostly talk about work stuff that's already been talked about during the day,
and I'm usually just sitting there wishing that J would join us.The fact that he's a devoted family man does
nothing to detract me from lusting over him. I am a bad, bad woman hehehe.

I'm off to bed now.I bought a new duvet and cover at lunch time,
and it's all soft and snuggly. I will NOT think about snuggling under there
with J ......

Wednesday 16January

I've been resisting the
urge to write about Jamie every day.Every time I've sat down to write something new here, the only thing
that's come to mind has been some thought or 'news' of him, and I really need
to not go there.But ... I've been
booked on a training course on 31st January .... and J will be going too! He's
offered to drive, and Lisa, Ben and I will go with him.I'll have to make B or L sit in the
front.It's a full day training course
(9 - 4.30) so including the drive there and back I'll get nearly nine hours
with him.Will I be able to
concentrate?????

Gavin's mum rang me on
Sunday.She was lovely, and she said
she'd suspected that G had been glossing over things. Bastard. We talked for
ages, not just about him, and she said I sounded so much happier now. Bless
her.

Hayley says I should be
nice to Darren and go out with him.She
doesn't know about my feelings for J. No-one does (although I think L might
suspect).

Sunday 27 January

The Burns Night do at the
Pig and Whistle on Friday was brilliant.We'd tried to persuade J to come, him being Scottish and all, but he
declined.I was going to say 'declined
graciously' because he did, as always, but how bloody besotted does that make
me sound? I'm rolling my eyes at myself.We had a great time, though, and I've even discovered a liking for
haggis!

I can't remember how it
came up, but Ben said that J's family still live in Scotland, and his dad's got
Alzheimer's. It made me think of Mum, and I got a bit tearful, and Ben was so
sweet and apologetic, bless him.Why are
all the nice ones unavailable?

Tuesday 29 January

Lucy rang from the
airport while I was at work this morning, reminding me that all her hotel and
excursion details are on that email she sent me last week. She sounded so
excited, and I just wish I was going with her. Roll on August and the trip to New York :)We got a bit tearful when she was saying
goodbye though - four weeks is a long time for her to be away on her own and
even if she is older than me I still worry about her travelling alone. I made
her promise to ring me every time she changes hotel.

Saturday 2 February

OMG!
Training day on Thursday was fantastic! The training was actually quite
interesting and I learned a lot, but more importantly I got to talk with J
outside of our normal work environment and it was lovely.Not just me, obviously - we were quite a big
group and at lunch-time we all ate together - but there were a couple of times
when it was just me and him talking and I didn't get all flustered like I
normally do, so that's progress.

This is what I've learned
about the very delicious J.A.MacD:

- He grew up near Glasgow and went to
Glasgow Uni. That's where he met his wife.

- He was a Social Worker
before he came to work here, and he started as a project co-ordinator and has
worked his way up to manager. He's been with us for 3 years.

- He was promoted to
manager at our project last May, so he'd only been there for three months
before I started.

- He likes music and
dancing and cycling and low-budget films and reading. (This made me swoon.)

- His favourite meal is
chicken arrabiatta which he can make from scratch (another swoon).

- His middle name is
Alasdair (swanky!) and he's 36 (37 in April but I don't know the date)

- He smelt bloody lovely
- Obsession for Men, I think (guuuuuh)

- He has absolutely no
idea how gorgeous he is.Even the new
girls from other projects were ogling him and he was totally clueless.

- He trained as a teacher
(and he'd have made a brilliant one, I reckon), but he went into social work
after volunteering in his last year at Uni. Their loss, our gain.

- He's very very
passionate about his work, and the work that we do.I knew that already, but it really shone out
during the training.He had us all
really motivated and energised - it was fantastic.

- He worships his wife
and daughter.He didn't give much away
about them - never does, apparently - but it's bloody obvious.

All of these things -
even the last one, damn him - have made me fall for him even harder.I don't know what to do - I'm getting really
obsessed.Lisa calls it a crush but it's
much deeper than that - I absolutely adore and respect and idolise him.Yes I lust after him too but who
wouldn't?

I need to find a
boyfriend.

Sunday 10 February

I went out last night
with Darren.He's been asking me for
weeks, ever since the Xmas party, and I finally caved and we arranged to go to
the pictures and then for a drink.The
film was good (National Treasure 2, Nicolas Cage) and we had a lovely long chat
afterwards and seem to have a lot in common but he doesn't push my
buttons.We got into a fairly hefty snog
at one point - nice kisser - but I'm just not attracted to him in the way that
I want to be attracted to him.I like
him a lot, and I'm fairly sure that if I wasn't so hung up on J I'd probably
fancy him quite a bit, but all I'm doing is comparing him to J and he comes out
lacking (Darren, obviously).He's asked
me out to dinner on Thursday - Valentine's Day!! - and I've said yes so that I
won't spend the day and night mooning over J.I really need to get over him before I fall any deeper.

Lucy rang from Las Vegas. She's having a
whale of a time and I wish I was there :(

Friday 15 February

Well I've had 24 hours to
think about it, and I'm still thinking 'SHIT!'

We went out to dinner,
and Darren was lovely, very attentive and wouldn't let me even buy a
drink.It felt a bit weird at first, it
being only our second date, but he's so sweet that he didn't come over as
overbearing or desperate or anything like that, just really genuine and
attentive and nice.So I ended up
inviting him in and we shagged and he stayed the night and he got up all happy
and skippy this morning.SHIT. I don't
know if I'm ready to start another relationship! I've asked him not to say
anything at work and he's agreed.

What's worse is that
while we were shagging I was thinking of J and I had the most amazing orgasm
I've ever had in my life.I am a very
very bad woman :(

And worse still ... when
we were having a coffee break this morning, L asked J if he'd had a nice
evening last night (he'd let slip that the wife was planning something) and he
did that sweet little shy smile that he does and I felt so-very-jealous.It's ridiculous. He's been married for at least
12 years and is still very much in love with her, and I've no right to be
jealous.

Monday 18 February
7.50 p.m.

Lucy's in bloody San Francisco, and I'm
sitting here wishing I was J's wife because it's her birthday and he left work
early to make a special dinner for her.I should be at the gym, and I said I'd meet Darren afterwards, but I
can't be bothered.I need to stop
wishing my life away like this and get on with it but I'm so miserable and so
bloody obsessed with this gorgeous, gorgeous man. Maybe I need counselling or something?If I can't pull myself together by the end of
the month I'm going to see the doctor and get myself referred to a psychiatrist
or something.

11.05 p.m.

Hayley talked me into
going to meet Darren.She still doesn't know
about J - she just thinks I'm depressed - and I let her talk me into it.We had a few drinks and now he's in my
bathroom and I daresay he'll stay the night again because I need to take my
mind off HIM.