"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:9-12

28 April 2010

Burn Out Brighter (Northern Lights) by Anberlin

Focus for me is here:All I know spins out of control. Wonder what's next for heart and soul. Nothing I have can save me now. Here in what maybe my final hour.

It's my time, cannot survive. I made mistakes in the past. Need a chance; can't say goodbye. Wish I could set things right tonight.

Live; I wanna live inspired. Die; I wanna die for something higher than myself. Live and die for anyone else.The more I live I see, this life's not about me.

I don't feel like I need to do that much explaining on what those lyrics mean. The reason it's song of the week is that one of my friends basically asked me what I want to do with my life. Well, it was more like, I know you want to do museum curating, but have you thought about ... As I started to think about the complicated answer to that, I thought of this song. "Live; I wanna live inspired" and later it says, "Live; I wanna live on fire" which I assume means on fire for God. That pretty much sums up what I desire for my life and I don't know exactly what it is, career-wise, that will demonstrate that. I know I was made for more than just working for a paycheck. I really want to love whatever I do and have it be glorifying to God. ...and travel :)

First, I would just listen to this and let it sink in. It took hearing it for over a month before it spoke to me in the way it did. I don't wholly relate to the theme I find in this song about someone who works really hard to get ahead in their life because the world dictates what success is: money, status, stuff. And God wants you to live for him, not yourself and all the stuff and power you gain is really not that important when you're starved for God's love. You may hear God telling you this isn't how He wants your life to be, but you ignore him....but then eventually surrender happens because you realize working for "the man" isn't as fulfilling as you thought it would be. Where this song spoke to me was near the end where it says:

Hard earned pay or

Hard earned pain

right now they're just the same

What's the use?

Why work so hard when it's not what you crave?

when what you need is Love

I keep working jobs that basically suck and have nothing to do with the goals I have for my life but I feel like I need to just keep on keeping on because I need to pay bills and I don't see any other way to survive. In no way am I tasting hints of fame/worldly success in my workplace but I feel so completely unhappy in what I'm doing that I think either this is one horrible test of patience or I am doubting that God has something better for me. Do you sense my lack of faith in just saying that? It took me a bit of time to realize I truly am doubting that God has bigger plans for me and will take care of me. God promises, in Philippians 4:19, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

And there's this line in verse 2 that goes, "How can I go with mine instead of Yours when Yours is always right? I'm sorry, just pour into me..."

In the grand scheme of things I've been going with mine. My only plan so far, really, has been San Diego. I will do what I can just to be here. In this economy where you take what you can get, it sounds crazy to leave a job based on discontent. You're one of the lucky ones that's actually getting paid these days. I'm really tired of working just for a paycheck when I know where I want to go with my life, the ever elusive job that you'd do for free (if money were no object). My vision get clouded with what I want and I don't just forget to listen to God, but maybe I just don't want to listen. I'm afraid of what He might say. I just need to trust that He has plans for my life that are bigger than I can see, and beyond what I feel I need to do to survive in this world.

It's over quoted, but let's not forget the truth in Jeremiah 29:11-13, " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

12:10amMeself

12 April 2010

This past week I was convicted about how I haven't been taking a Sabbath day...like, at all. I was going non-stop everyday (and totally not sleeping to boot) since Good Friday: Work, service, movie night. Girls breakfast, hella necessary nap, serivice, birthday party. Breakfast, outreach, Easter service. Drive, lunch [not] date, drive, !deation, hang out. More !deation, hang out, drive back at midnight. Work, fitting for Friday's show, small group. Work, cafe set up, cafe and more hanging out...On Thursday I was like, man, I am exhausted...and I still have more stuff coming up!! I was creeping on my friend's facebook page and saw a status update that said, "Great Saturday: A Day of Rest (So, I'm gonna watch the NCAA Final Four :)" Oh, hey, a day of rest?? Fancy that. When's the last time I actually did that?? After the Jedidiah fashion show event on Friday I was hanging out with my homies and decided to nix my weekend plans (at least the ones that required waking up early) for some much needed rest. I got home after 2am & took 2 hours to get ready for bed since I decided almost falling asleep in a hot tub of water was a good idea.... Actually, it was though, I was relaxed. I slept in til two!! I totally skipped the half day of volunteering that started at 8am. You can't just give and give and pour out without taking the time to reflect back on God. "Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10. Relax, let go, and know that God is in control. I mean, even He rested...

07 April 2010

I know I totally skipped Music Tuesday BUT I had the most amazing past 5 days. Not only was it Easter weekend where I got to celebrate the fact that my Savior is risen and ALIVE!! but I basically gave myself a 4 day weekend chock full with awesomeness.

I had the privilege of attending the first !deation Conference that gathered a people that worked for all types of non-profits in all different stages of their business life cycles & gave a platform to share ideas, gain insights and network to be better equipped to move forward with their causes. I didn't attend any sessions the first day since I wasn't really there and I was busy with fashion show prep, but the second day I saw in on workshops and whiteboard sessions that were incredibly insightful, even for someone like me that wasn't representing any organization in particular. It was so amazing being around people that cared so much for humanity and wanted to make positive changes in the world. So inspiring! I wasn't [well] informed about many of the groups that were there, but there were a couple that sparked my interest. I noticed that the guys from Love146 were there and I had heard of them through my friend's Connected Cultures Clothing company who had shirts that donate a portion to their cause, and also one of my top 10 favorite bands, Edison Glass, who had the logo in their CD jacket...so I decided I must meet them. I actually didn't know much about the company except for that they worked against human trafficking. I waltzed on up to them not really knowing what to say, but just that I had heard of them and wanted to know more. They gave me a pamphlet with all the info that's basically on their website and we just chatted. I also mentioned how much I loved Edison Glass and found out that a parent of one of the guys is part of their organization. I happened to be wearing my Toms that I wrote Edison Glass lyrics on and they were quite entertained by it--what a small world! After I read through the pamphlet though, my heart totally broke. They had a powerful story (go read it!) and an amazing cause. I realize that many or those organization have stories as heart breaking as this. There are so so so many ways that this world is broken. I know that your heart can break for a lot of causes but you just can't help everyone yourself. It took me a while to realize that there is only so much one person can do since you just can't care about everything, but find the things that you really do have a heart for and do what you can to make a contribution. I feel that there are so many ways my heart is stretched and I can't focus on all of them! It's kind of crazy. But, right now, I'm so encouraged that people really want to make a difference the right way, I'm so excited to see what will happen with the organizations whose stories I heard, and I'm inspired to be used to make lives better.

2010

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you ~Matthew 6:33

"There's gotta be a difference. It's gotta be significant. If You're really inside changing my life You would shine, You would be evident if there's a difference. There's a difference."~Philmont (The Difference)

Soli Deo Gloria by Too Bad Eugene

Tell me where can I run from You, is anywhere out of view?Been running so long, there's nowhere to hideHere now Your presence is all around, the light never flickers outIt searches my soul and pierces my mindMy world is left behind

And I hear You callingConfess with your mouth, believe in your heart, you shall be savedAnd these walls start fallingYou tear me down, you lift me upMy will is changedYou fan this flame

Then You say to obey Your commands, I finally think I canBut not by my will, it's just by Your graceSo send me out and we'll change the world, every boy and girlWill know that You're King and know that You reignAll others pass away

And I feel Your peace nowGreater is He, that is in me, than who's in the waySo I'll seek You first nowI'll take up my cross, consider my loss for Your sake gainSola fide

And I hear You call outConfess with your mouth, believe in your heart, you shall be savedSo I'll seek You first nowI'll take up my cross, consider my loss for Your sake gainSola fide

And soli Deo gloriaTo God alone be all the gloryLet God be true and every man a liarLet every knee bow every tongue confessTo God alone be glory, not to men