I never really got into this holiday even when I got a girlfriend/wife. Prior to the girlfriend/wife, I simply didn’t care. After the girlfriend/wife entered the scene, I realized something: I STILL didn’t care. I didn’t need a day to tell me to be romantic because I liked being spontaneous. For a few years, we exchanged video games on this day, but that stopped when she figured out that I was playing them more than her. Nowadays, we do the cards and whatever else we feel like doing, but it’s really just another day to me. Also, I have this to say to Valentine’s Day:

STOP MAKING MY SINGLE FRIENDS SAD!

I spend more time consoling them on this day because the truth is that this day isn’t only about the loved one that will let you see her/him naked. Correction: see and do things to them when naked. Remember when we were kids and you brought a Valentine’s Day card for everyone in the class. That’s what this damn holiday should be, but greedy bastards corrupted it into this Hallmark holiday. It’s rather sickening (hence why I’m listening to Disturbed) and is downright mean at times. I know many people who are single are going to say that I can talk because I ‘have somebody’ and some taken people are going to be angry that I’m stomping on their only chance to get free chocolate. So, here’s a message to each group:

To My Single Friends

Don’t feel bad on this day because it’s really nothing special. We’re made to think it’s special by corporations that want to make money. Think about it and you’ll realize that you’re not really alone. You have friends, family, pets, internet friends, and any number of people who care about you. This ‘holiday’ is about treasuring all of your relationships and I’m using the term ‘holiday’ very loosely. If you want to be someone’s Valentine then I’ll do the job because I hate how this ‘holiday’ makes people depressed.

Besides, you don’t have to struggle to find the perfect card and waste money on a gift that will never see enough use to make it worth the price. Look at the crap we have to buy on this holiday: cards that get tossed by the end of the month, chocolates that get eaten within in a week, flowers that die a slow death, and jewelry that is so insanely priced that you have to cry in the bathroom before giving it to her. This is all for a single day of saying ‘I care about you’. It’s cheaper to say it. So, you guys really aren’t missing anything, no matter what the commercials and your friends tell you. They’re fucking wrong on this one. Enjoy your ability to save money on a pathetic holiday while it lasts and realize that you really aren’t alone.

To My Taken Friends

If you need this one day to say ‘I love you’ then you should evaluate your relationship. This is a day that takes advantage of you because it assumes you aren’t romantic at any other point this year. You’re tricked into thinking this is a day to focus entirely on your loved one because this is the day of love. Honestly, it’s a holiday were a Greek God (or is Eros the Greek version) is used in conjunction with a Saint. That should tell you something isn’t kosher with this. I’m not saying you should ignore the holiday, but don’t treat it like the be all, end all of romance. Save your money and romantic ideas for birthdays, anniversaries, and days where your loved one has no fucking clue it’s coming. Unless he/she has a bad heart then you might want to avoid that last option and sex altogether.

I get that you’re happy and you want to spread your happiness, but you have to be careful how you do it on this day. There is a fine line between declaring your love for someone and rubbing it in someone else’s face. This line becomes very thin on Valentine’s Day and it’s really bad thanks to the internet. If you have to send a public Facebook message of love to a person you’re going to see later that day then you’re not really being romantic. You’re being kind of a dick to everyone else who has to see it. Yeah, I’m getting a little angry here, but I’m tired of feeling like a spectator to other people’s declarations.

I’m pretty sure I’m pissing people off with this, but I really, really hate this pointless holiday. If you only say ‘I love you’ to your loved ones on Valentine’s Day then you’re an asshole who needs to be smacked every other day of the year. You love and care about the people around you beyond this day. Again, I remember when I was a kid and the true spirit of Valentine’s Day was celebrated because we had yet to be corrupted. We appreciated every classmate and friend, regardless of gender and closeness. So,

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO EVERY FUCKING PERSON THAT I HAVE EVER FUCKING MET! *holds up his beer to the screen and chugs*

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About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.