DOG PRESSURE CREEK, Oklahoma - Fermilab -- Element 118 (currently unnamed, but now called Ununununaoctoninactium -- from the Latin"10 billion dollars per atom") has almost certainly been created in the laboratory by scientists.

Creating the elusive element required scientists to bombard unstable, radioactive, Californium-249 atoms with Calcium-48 ions for two months. Finally, after another two months of painstaking work and analysis, the experiment probably produced 3 atoms of Element 118 that lasted less than a millisecond.

Since the element had a life-span shorter than the Swift Boat Veterans for Justice after the 2004 election, scientists could not observe the elements directly.

Says Jason Emory, of the Mount Livermore Nuclear Laboratory and Grill: "We can detect the decay sequences with a special device. . . that. . that detects decay sequences" Pausing to clear his throat, he continues, "By working backward through the decay sequence, we are reasonably certain we created element 118."

His colleague, Dr. Ivan Nostrovski of the Chernobyl Memorial Radioctive Cement Block High-Energy Lab, stresses how relatively positive they are that they may have possibly succeeded. Gesturing broadly at the decay chart, Dr. Nostrovski explains. "Element 118 first decayed into element 116, then into element 114. That decayed into element 112, which split into two roughly equal pieces."