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Wednesday, January 05, 2005

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» Haul Pat Robertson's sorry butt out of Virginia Beach... AND STONE HIM TO DEATH!!

You know it's a new year when Pat Robertson opens his mouth on his "The 700 Club" teevee show only to produce so much bat-guano. A few days ago he did it again, and shared with us poor frail mortal sinners the Divine Mystery(tm) that he told us God had illuminated he and he alone with prophetic knowledge for the coming Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Five...

- The economy: "Again, 2005 is going to be a year of extraordinary prosperity for this nation and for CBN [Christian Broadcasting Network]. And I think the American stock market is going to surge upward, if I heard from the Lord. Again, ladies and gentlemen, don't go and buy stock on my recommendation, but that's what I feel in my heart. The Lord was saying it's going to be a super good year."

- George W. Bush: "Well, the Lord has some very encouraging news for George Bush ... What I heard is that Bush is now positioned to have victory after victory and that his second term is going to be one of triumph, which is pretty strong stuff. ... He'll have Social Security reform passed. He'll have tax reform passed. He'll have conservative judges on the courts. And that basically he is positioned for a series of dramatic victories which I hope will hearten him and his advisers. They don't have to be timid in this matter because the wind is blowing at his back, and he can move forward boldly and get results."

- Muslims and others turning to Jesus Christ: "In America, again if I'm hearing God right, we will see a tremendous incident of miracles in the year 2005. ... God's spirit is going to be moving in dramatic power around the world. And his spirit is going to be touching the hearts of many in the Muslim world and they will be turning to the gospel, to Jesus Christ. I think many of them already are, but this is going to be an acceleration that will really amaze the world. ... 'Revival will break out throughout the Muslim world, my [God's] truth will penetrate their hearts. The hold of that falsehood that has gripped them will be broken.'"

- Terrorism and global security: "2005 will be another good year for the world. The terrorist threat will diminish. Nations will walk in peace, but it will be an illusion. The peril to Israel is greater now than it has ever been for she will be seduced into a false peace that will leave her vulnerable."

- The Supreme Court: "The vendetta against religion in America is about to end. ... 'I [God] will remove judges from the Supreme Court quickly and their successors will refuse to sanction the attacks on religious faith.'"

I'm sure these predictions from Pat Robertson will come exactly and precisely true because Pat Robertson is a prophet. Just as he predicted that 1980 would be a year of worldwide bloodshed and chaos, that the Soviet Union would invade Israel in 1982, that the Second Coming was imminent in 1986 and that Robertson had been picked by God to "usher in the coming of My Son", that Robertson would become President of the United States in 1988, that the Battle of Armageddon would take place in 1992, that Jay Rockefeller would win the presidential election of 1996, that Florida would be ravaged by hurricanes in response to that state's "liberalism" in 2003 (the same year that hurricanes did far more damage to Virginia's coast, including the transmitter of Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network being taken out by Hurricane Isabel), that George W. Bush would win the 2004 election "in a blowout!" (Bush barely scraped by even given electronic voting snafus all over the place so that "win" by divine proclamation is highly debatable, unless God is a major investor in Diebold), and a lot of other things that...

Oh yeah: none of those things EVER HAPPENED!!

Ever since the election two months ago I've been thinking about how it is that "Christian Reconstructionists" are chomping at the bit to seize power in America. These are the people that want to institute a militant and EXTREMELY literal interpretation of Old Testament law (nevermind the New Testament and that pesky "rule of love" thing) over every aspect of our lives: first in America, then spreading their rule across the globe. Their earnest belief is that once the world has been made to submit (literally translated in Arabic as "islam") to their rule and the Kingdom of God is established temporally, then and only then can Jesus Christ return to begin His reign. But first they got to make this world one suitable for Him, ya see. And since we're still waiting for His grace, the fullest condemnation of the law is in order. So they want to make mandatory such things as stoning to death a child for "talking sass" to his parents, capital punishment for girls who get pregnant out of wedlock, even things like death to people who teach evolution and other "lib'rul" ideas.

Now, I don't particularly hold to believing in evolution either. But I'd much rather educate my fellow man in the mathematical improbability of such a thing happening and see the light of reason enter into his eyes of his own free will. Why should I - or anyone else - desire to kill him if he chooses not to understand that truth so fast as my own will would have him? What in God's name gives me that right? What the Hell gives THESE people the right to want to do something like that... to anyone?!

But hey, I didn't make this up folks. These are your Christian Reconstructionists/Dominion Theologists/Talibornagains at work. They want to reshape every facet of your life to fit their unforgiving literal interpretation of scripture. They want EVERYTHING to conform to the letter of The Law. And being that The Law minus The Love is made a curse unto ALL flesh and that God is no respector of persons, we should demand that The Law apply equally to EVERYONE, especially our would-be sovereigns. So I'm gonna suggest that toward Pat Robertson, since for YEARS he's been one of the (if not THE) self-proclaimed visionaries of the Dominion Theology movement, we do the following...

Ever watch "Babylon 5"? 'Twas prolly the best television show of the past 20 years and definitely one of the greatest of all time. The last episode of the Minbari civil war plotline had the leaders of both sides coming together in this old temple and one of them, Delenn (one of the show's main characters) laid it down in so many words, "if you want us to return to being the savages we were, you'd damned well better be ready to go the WHOLE way, bub." She turned on this thing called the "Starfire Wheel" and told the other guy to get his sorry self-righteous ass in there if he REALLY believed in his cause. Seems that old-school Minbari custom was for the leaders of warring factions to enter the Starfire Wheel together where they'd start burning alive. Whichever side's leader chickened and jumped out of the circle lost the conflict, while the one who believed enough to the point of his own fiery death would at least perish knowing that his beliefs had borne out to the finish.

Put your money where your mouth is, Pat Robertson. The same for all the rest of you damnable Dominion Theologists. You say you believe in God and the immutable authority of Scripture? Good, 'cuz here's your chance to prove you've the right to rule over the rest of us.

The fifth book of the Bible says that real prophets should not be feared: "When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him." (Deuteronomy 18:22). But of false prophets it says this: "But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, . . . even that prophet shall die." (Deuteronomy 18:20).

A real prophet of God had to be 100% accurate, 100% of the time. The slightest deviation from that when he claimed to speak in the name of the Lord demanded an automatic death sentence. And standard procedure was to drag him to the outskirts of town where an assembled throng would stone him to death.

ALL false prophets were stoned to death. Per Old Testament law.

If the people who claim to have "won control over America" are REALLY serious about bringing back Old Testament law, they have no choice but to restore this particular tenet of it also. If they desire any consistency with both The Law and God, that is.

If my historical knowledge recalls correctly, it was standard operating procedure to aim the especially big stones at the false prophet's head, and thus bashing his brains and other gooey cranial matter all over the ground.

So here's what I'm suggesting, in all seriousness, if the Christian Reconstructionists so terribly want such a thing as to bring back this kind of rule...

The next time Pat Robertson opens his mouth and utters something that he says is of God, if it comes to pass, we should offer him nothing but the highest acclamation. But if he's wrong, we shouldn't hesitate to drag him outside the city limits of Virginia Beach and stone him to death.

I said, we should stone Pat Robertson to death for being a false prophet.

I said, stone Pat Robertson to death for being a false prophet.

Just one more time, in case anyone's not understanding me...

WE SHOULD STONE PAT ROBERTSON'S SMUG LITTLE SMIRK TO DEATH AND SMEAR HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THE PAVEMENT FOR CLAIMING THAT HE SPEAKS WITH THE AUTHORITY OF GOD WHEN GOD HAS GIVEN HIM NOTHING OVER US!! PAT ROBERTSON SHOULD DIE!!!

So it was written. So it should be done. The man has obviously sinned, and not just sinned but sinned brazenly before all men. He should be made to pay the penalty per The Law that the Almighty Himself gave to Moses on Mount Sinai.

Yes, I'm calling for Pat Robertson to be killed. But don't blame me: he brought it upon himself. That's what happens to those who fixate their lives upon The Law and leave no room in their hearts for The Love. "Those who live by the sword, shall die by the sword."

But if Pat Robertson can go to his death with courage and composure, I swear on my honor and integrity that I will succumb to whatever it is that his fellow Christian Reconstruction cultists would have me do, because he obviously believed enough in their cause that he was willing to die for it. He will never personally witness me yielding my life completely over to their demands, but knowing that his side would have won the moral argument against all appeals will surely give him the grace to suffer such a painful death with comfort and dignity.

Hey, that'd be quite a bargain when you think about it: one life - that of Pat Robertson - killed as a substitute for what might be years or decades of civil war and strife without end across the fruited plain. His life or the lives of millions... pretty logical which is more acceptible, I think. And it would demonstrate the love and compassion that "they" really must have for their fellow man, somewhere at least, right?

For the sake of America, Pat Robertson must die. And pray that he can go to his death with the fullest joy that The Law can afford him. His death will help usher in a glorious golden age as Dominion Theologians pave the way for Christ to come again, world without end. Hallelujah! Amen.

NOW might some of these people understand that if they're going to call themselves "Christians" that they'd better be CHRIST-like about it?