Simon Hoggart: In the past the guest speakers at Labour conferences were foreign worthies. Recently, like everything else pertaining to New Labour, the visitors have become more glamorous, such as the lead singer of U2.

Simon Hoggart: It will be remembered as the speech when Tony Blair almost cried. It was a classic New Labour moment: the leader moved to tears by his own rhetoric. We've had the self-basting turkey and the self-cleaning oven. Yesterday we got the self-watering speech.

The Labour conference ended with speeches from John Prescott and Nelson Mandela. What a fantastic double bill, like having Les Dawson and Paul Robeson in the same show. It would be disgracefully cynical for me to suggest that Labour had persuaded the world's most popular politician to cover up their problems, so I won't. But I confess the thought did worm into my head.

The Labour party had its acrimonious debate on pensions yesterday. Social security secretary Alistair Darling was matched against one of its greatest heroines, Barbara Castle. Which would the conference take to its heart - the white-haired old woman, or Baroness Castle?

Mo Mowlam made what was almost certainly her last speech to a Labour party conference yesterday. It was peculiarly downbeat, understated and disengaged - not so much a last hurrah as a political last gasp. They gave her a standing ovation just for walking into the hall, and 10 minutes later a standing ovation for sitting down.

Simon Hoggart: This is a terrifically shiny conference. The stage is shiny. The clothes are glossy, made of lustrous, costly threads. The hundreds of stalls are shiny, so is the conference directory, and so is the podium.

John Prescott was furious. Mr Angry. Kebabbed. Off his trolley. This is a man who has brought bad temper to a fine art. He should be the author of the self-help book "Oy, 'oo you looking at? - liberate your inner consciousness through constructive rage." Imagine Victor Meldrew watching the bus sail by his stop. Visualise Basil Fawlty as a guest with a nose ring arrives at reception. Nikita Khruschev at the United Nations. John McEnroe debating a line call with an umpire. Truly, seriously, cross.