Exclusive Leaked Silent Hill 5 Scoops!

You read that correctly, ladies and gentlemen! We here at Something Awful were able to talk with an "industry insider" at Team Silent, responsible for the shocking Silent Hill series of games. We've got the hottest scoops on the upcoming Masashi Tsuboyama blockbuster hit, Silent Hill 5, which will be released June 29th in the US, and the corresponding Akira Yamaoka soundtrack on shelves the next week. Let's take a look at the juiciest new fixes and features for all you Silent Hill fans across the Internet!

All rusty chain link fences will now be replaced by brighter, more inviting picket fences.

The radios, which played static in previous games when enemies approached, now play all of your favorite 80's tunes from Phil Collins to INXS.

You are now only allotted one save slot. Use it wisely!

Because of Konami's new in-game marketing plan, the main character will have "Big Mac™ attacks" in which the screen goes red for minutes at a time until he consumes a tasty Big Mac™.

More holes are in development (some are gone now).

If you die even once (even during the death scene) you will not be able to get the semi-secret ending, which depicts the protagonist eating a suspiciously long piece of celery.

Feeling that the atmosphere of the game was lacking, Konami stated that many monsters will now sled down snow-covered hills and throw snowballs at each other when they are not attempting to rend the flesh from the your character's body.

Silent Hill is now set in 18th-century Britain.

Silent Hill is now a realtime strategy game where you can choose to play with characters such as some dumb lady, a fat kid, and Master Chief.

Using any health item prevents you from getting the partly-but-not-completely-secret ending, which depicts the protagonist shopping for watches in a jewelry store, moments before it's due to close.

The entire game consists of one extremely long hallway almost entirely filled with doors that have broken locks. The single door lacking a broken lock is welded to the wall.

The radio is replaced with a 1953 Emerson television set.

You cannot hold both a weapon and the television at the same time.

When low on health, your character will begin to scream loudly and the screen will flash red at incredibly high speeds.

Locks that are discovered to be broken will turn into happy colorful butterflies upon examination to avoid frustrating the player.

All enemies will be replaced with young children trying to hug you (the children have AIDS).

Your character will explore their surroundings with a solar-panel torch which must absorb sunlight to remain operational.

Utilizing the power of the ps360 rust will have realistic particle effects and will actually spread during the six years it takes you to solve the nonsensical object puzzles.

Silent Hill will now feature a new level of difficulty called "ultimate impossible":

The main character will have to escort 20 puppies with horrible AI throughout the entire game. If one of these puppies is even mildly uncomfortable, the character dies and the game ends.

Locked / broken doors will randomly explode and kill you.

Puzzles will require the ability to multiply and divide Roman numerals in 2 seconds or less. These Roman numerals can kill you.

Enemies no longer have to attack you in order to kill you.

You will not get any guns throughout the game. Your only weapon will be a plastic spork that breaks after 1 use. You can accidentally kill yourself with the plastic spork.

Your radio will only get one station that plays "Camptown Races." Trying to turn it off will only make it louder.

If you die in the game, your game console will explode.

Upon completion of the game, you will get a special message from the development team (it says "thank you and god job usa #1") and you may unlock a Super Mario costume for your character.

Recurring character Heather from Silent Hill 3 will be renamed "Cheatherlessa Magillespieon" to reduce confusion as to her identity.

I heard this town was haunted.

I think they're right!

Health drinks no longer heal you, but instead can be used as a weapon to heal enemies.

Echoes of childish laughter can be still heard throughout the game, but now with 40% more fart noises and paper crumpling.

An area of the game will take place in a subway, so as not to break the tradition of having shitty subway levels that nobody likes at all.

SH5 will contain more "Jacob's Ladder" references than any other Silent Hill.

"Non-scary mode" makes the game more child-friendly. You can ride around the town on a bike, all the mist is gone, and the monsters are replaced by kids on bikes. All the gore is replaced with ice cream.

A new elemental battle system will be introduced, using elements such as "dead" or "wooden" (dead and wooden are in opposition to each other). The opposite of "ghost" is "beam."

Every time the attack button is pressed, the game goes into golf-club-time, so the player may aim at different body parts. The game will now take 45 hours to complete.

There are only two save points in the game. One of them is at the bottom of a 3000-foot staircase that takes nine minutes to descend. The other is in a locked room behind an impassable chain link fence.

Solid Snake will appear in game to increase sales for the upcoming MGS4.

On "relatively easy mode" the main character follows the creepy gas station attendant's advice not to go to Silent Hill. He turns his car around and goes back home. The remainder of the game is a driving simulator.

Each character you meet will have a intensive and deep back story. Not just any back story however, but a make-it-yourself interactive back story shrouded in mystery where you will have to make all the assumptions on their abusive parents, drug abuse and weightlifting careers before coming to Silent Hill!

About 15 new enemies that seem terrifying at first, but in retrospect are actually goofy as hell.

From the observatory if you look through a telescope at a certain angle you can see a fat guy hanging by the neck from the Goodyear Blimp.

Radio replaced with iPod in Wii version, Zune in Xbox 360 version, and a Sony Walkman cassette player in PS3 version.

The hero of the game will be a middle-aged woman who lost her handbag and is looking for it in Silent Hill.

Player demand has led to a 90% increase in bathtubs which you can't see into due to the camera angle.

The game will allow you to walk 10 times more awkwardly than before with new cripple child motion sensor technology.

This space-age device is a cardboard box with two holes in it. The operative sticks a hand in one end. The contact inserts a hand in the other end. With both hands shielded from prying eyes, a secret handshake can commence.