SusyCampanale’s round-up concludes with a Faustian pact, Mario BalotellichannellingKanye and the Great Turin Derby Flame War.

“If I have another six or seven years of my career left, then I’d give three or four years to win the Champions League.”

GigiBuffon considers a UEFAustian pact

“Mario got it wrong and Mario apologises, but I don’t want to apologise to everyone because it’s not as if I killed someone.”

Balotelliapologises for saying something stupid, talks about himself in the third person and then starts to take back the apology – he has officially become Kanye West

“The nickname CapitanoFuturo is now becoming a sentence. I’ll have to wear the vice-captain armband forever!”

Daniele De Rossi feels like Prince Charles to Francesco Totti’s Queen

“We’ve seen I did not resign, I did not sign for Switzerland and none of the 10 different rumoured Coaches have arrived to replace me.”

Not yet anyway, added new Switzerland Coach Vladimir Petkovic...

“I wear very special pyjamas now. It is made up of the Milan shirt Balotelli was wearing when I saved his penalty and some Napoli shorts.”

We can only hope Pepe Reina washed it first, otherwise that’s just incredibly creepy

“The truth is that Juventus won the Derby 1-0 and that the only goal was with a very clear offside position. Anything else is just pointless words. Antonio Conte must certainly have been better at Italian than mathematics.”

The official Torino website sparks the Great Turin Derby Social Media Flame War

“Effectively we’re not good at mathematics. But we can count to 0, like the number of shots on target Torino had!”

... followed by the official Juventus Twitter feed

“Don’t knock yourselves down. You managed to count to 31 (oops, 29).”

Toro’s tweet goes straight for the Calciopoli jugular

“I am the icing on a perfect cake.”

Antonio Cassano presents his Bake-Off Showstopper

“We no longer wet ourselves the way we used to in the past.”

De Rossi puts Roma’s success down to beating the scourge of incontinence

“It's quite a few years since Carlo coached me. It was inevitable we'd meet again, Coach to Coach. That means he is getting old. Me too!”

In that time Ancelotti has gained a few pounds and Conte gained a lot of hair

“I’d like to lead the Nazionale.”

Because if there’s one thing Francesco Guidolin’sUdinese excel at, it’s international competition

“I’m used to a winning Milan.”

Oh Kaka, things have changed...

“My intentions for this season? I want to maintain the Coach without succumbing to outside pressures.”

Genoa President EnricoPreziosi also intended to begin weight-training and run marathons, but they were never going to happen either

“If Gareth Bale is worth €120m, then Paul Pogba is worth at least twice as much. Pogba is a Salvador Dali painting, while Mario Balotelli is the Mona Lisa.”

And agent MinoRaiola is PT Barnum reincarnated

“Goalkeepers are paid to save, not to think.”

SamirHandanovic is the anti-Descartes: he saves, therefore he isn’t considering the philosophical implications of that

“We have players who are honoured to wear the Sampdoria shirt and consider this an important club. Others who didn’t think that have gone elsewhere, even if they were more talented.”

Delio Rossi really knows how to build team spirit: ‘You’re mediocre, but at least you’re committed!’

“If a director leaves his phone on after a conversation and we hear him when he’s talking to someone else, it is certainly not our fault.”

Rupert Murdoch’s staff wonder why they didn’t use the ASRomaRadio.it line of defence

“ZdenekZeman is a misunderstood genius.”

Like Frankenstein or Dr Jekyll, adds Alessandro Nesta

“If Balotelli focuses only on playing then he can be among the best, but he gets distracted by more or less everything.”

Roberto Mancini had to remove all shiny objects from the locker room

“The real problem holding Serie A back is that the same stadiums we dreamed of playing in 20 years ago have remained more or less the same, without adapting.”

HernanCrespo points out arenas do not benefit from being considered ‘antique’

“I was a bit overcooked after the Confederations Cup.”

Andrea Barzagli prefers to be lightly sautéed with mushrooms

“Our creed here is to be winners, not be nice. We take everything seriously here. Being seen as pleasant is not our aim, being successful is.”

PavelNedved brings out his inner Joe Pesci. ‘Do I amuse you?’

“It's hard being Francesco Lodi. It's tough because goalkeepers and defenders watch videos of you. They know all about you.”

Lodi bitterly regrets mixing vodka with a webcam and a Twitter account

“It’s not as if I went to someone else’s house and urinated on my friend Francesco Totti’s locker!”

Buffon points out the Roma ultras banner ‘Disinfect Trigoria’ was not to be taken literally after Juventus borrowed their training camp

“I shouted at Abel Hernandez as if I was his father. I told him that I have had nothing from him in three years while I have given him everything in that time. He needs to get a move on or else I will kick him up the backside.”

MaurizioZamparini will also take away his pocket money and force him to go to his room without dinner

“Why didn’t Insigne start? He had really bad diarrhoea this week, so I preferred Callejon.”

TMI, Rafa Benitez...

“We have to repeat this kind of performance 1,000 times in order to have a great season.”

Esteban Cambiasso says the fixture list is getting too packed now

“Like a would-be Rambo hidden in the Poggio bushes, Luca De Prà, Coach of the Primavera youth team goalkeepers from such noble descendants, could not fight the counter-measures of the Blucerchiati’s intelligence services.”

The Genoa spy might’ve been dressed like Stallone, but he certainly wasn’t Sly

“I think he is so intelligent that he knows how to rest during a game.”

VincenzoMontella believes Borja Valero can literally complete those passes in his sleep

“With Balotelli you know he can score from scratch and create theatre.”

Ajax Coach Frank De Boer was particularly impressed with his radical reworking of Uncle Vanya on the half-volley

“The people must realise that this is my club, it does not belong to everybody, so I will control it the way I see fit. There is no such thing as a professional fan.”

You can see why President Claudio Lotito is so popular with the Lazio supporters, can’t you?

“Balotelli is like a jazz musician.”

Javier Zanetti points out he is also beloved by many, utterly unbearable to others and prone to sudden outbursts of violent noise

“For sale: Coach Allegri without ideas or character. We offer you a pointless Coach who doesn’t know how to train, can’t motivate players and only makes absurd substitutions at the 70th minute. He is specialised only in games against Barcelona. If you pay immediately, you’ll receive Mauro Tassotti for free. It’s a real deal!!!! We will not be held responsible for errors in manufacture.”

A disgruntled Milan fan put his tactician on eBay, which is also where AdrianoGalliani looks for defenders

“Is my bench wobbling? I can’t sense it, as I always stand on the touchline.”

Giuseppe Sannino definitely felt the Chievo door hit him on his way out

“There are many youngsters waiting to take my place, but not every medical student goes on to become a surgeon.”

Max Allegri warns PippoInzaghi and Clarence Seedorf there will be blood

“What made me angry was yesterday the referee suspended play because it was ‘dangerous’ and all of a sudden today it was no longer ‘dangerous.’ Maybe I need to improve my English, as the officials don’t seem to understand me very well.”

Antonio Conte should never have taken English lessons from a South African sign language interpreter....

“I phoned the Mayor of Sevegliano, who reminded me that five years ago I fired referee Candussio’s father from my business group. He certainly wanted revenge.”

Is there anyone left in Italy who Zamparini hasn’t fired at some stage?

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