The Ferris Wheel

Dear readers…I have created my ferris wheel analogy in response to years of observations in friends and my own love relationships.

This is the scene….you are in a relationship that is beyond the honeymoon period, where the rose coloured spectacles, viewing your once perfect partner, are now off and the proverbial relationship sleeves are rolled up ready for the next stage. Some call it the power struggle, where the real business of getting to know each other kicks in.

The power struggle is inherent in every relationship, to varying degrees, depending on previous life experience, but I see a cyclical pattern that emerges time and again, where people feel as though they are never moving forward but just repeating the same old situations and things.

So there you are going round in circles or round the ferris wheel with each other, saying the same old things and resisting at the same points. Why should you change…it’s not me it’s him/her…if only they would get it…derrr ! The ups and the downs reflect your journey around the wheel. But repeating the wheel only serves to take the relationship in one direction and that’s down, not forward.

In my experience the ferris wheel turns because neither party is prepared to change, or can’t see what they are doing to create their part in it. They are not only taking, but destroying the delicacy of the emotional bond in the relationship.

Sometimes, from the outset, both parties have actually laid out their life stall and in reality are not a match for future life aspirations and goals, but the “blindness” that seems ingrained in the initial stage of romantic love, glosses over these very important facts. The ferris wheel can then occur because deep down each person is not being fulfilled because simply, they want different things. I have a dear friend who is experiencing this now. The life differences mean that her and her partner can’t quite move forward, because what they both desire for fulfilment, is not the same.

The more the ferris wheel turns the more the ups get shorter and the downs and conflicts get longer. This wears the relationship thin and dis-connection starts to appear in all forms, like filling time so that you don’t have to spend it with your partner or worse still, finding solace in someone else. And at the bottom of every ferris wheel is the place where we can jump off. So why don’t we ?

It’s not about love when this occurs, it’s about not having your needs met and being unwilling, on some levels, to make the changes necessary to give to your relationship what it needs to heal.

Steps for halting the ferris wheel:

1) Firstly, be totally honest with yourself. Is this the person you truly want to be with ? Or do you have different life goals and feel that your partner is not going in the same direction ? If you really don’t think there is a future then communicate with your partner. This saves time and future heartache believe me.

2) During the honeymoon period. LISTEN with logic as well as the heart. What are the messages your partner is giving you about themselves. Many times I didn’t listen only to hurt myself on this very point !

3) If you both are committed to making it work then communicate effectively. I can teach you how. Please contact me.

4) Think about “what can I give to this relationship” rather than “what can I take from it”. Act on that ! What you resist, persists.

5) When things arise in your relationship that stir deep emotion. Don’t react ! Engaging brain before mouth. If you can, remove yourself from the scene and take a few moments to go within. Sit with the feelings that arise and observe them without reacting. Remain balanced and let the feelings arise and subside which they will do. All that rises passes away. It is the cycle of life and the same goes for emotions. Eventually after some practise, these once powerful emotions, will no longer have the effect they used to have and will not control you.

6) Hold a mirror to yourself and ask “what is it that my partner brings up in me that’s unresolved ?” What are the feelings that really irk you when you have ferris wheel issues ? Can you admit them to yourself and more importantly your partner ? The beauty of being vulnerable enough to express what’s really at the heart of your emotion, will help greatly. Find a quiet place and moment to really let your barriers down and try telling your partner what you feel.

7) Don’t blame and project onto your partner, because it’s your feelings that matter at that moment, take responsibility for them. Tell your partner how you feel, not what they need to do to change…it never works !