When Honesty Isn't the Best Policy

"Can one be too honest? I have seen relationships where in the beginning one person has told the other what she thinks he want sto hear. Based on that info, they have a relationship and then find out later that the info wasn't the truth…I'm tactful about my honesty. I'm not out to hurt anyone and I expect honesty in return. But it seems to scare guys. So, how honest is too honest? And why are people so scared of it?"

I think what SingleSF is touching on is at the crux of the problems many of us face in all our relationships, not just romantic ones. In an ideal world, we would know our true selves, only project our truest selves, encountering others who do the same. But in that same world, I would look like Robert Pattinson and polar bears could be kept as pets. That world doesn't exist.

Before we can examine how open and honest we are with others, we have to examine how we see ourselves, otherwise we get into blind-leading (or leading on)-the-blind-type situations, which tends to result in much hurt and presumably car accidents.

"I like to eat the food off stranger's plates at restaurants." Dude, she doesn't need to know that yet.

If you have a fairly stable idea of who you are, the question becomes one of timing. I was always told that a lie by omission is still a lie, but that is frankly bullsh*t. It is perfectly within your dating rights to keep certain information to yourself until the time is right. We boys are skittish creatures and we scare easily, so while I certainly don't advocate lying, I completely support the notion of not saying everything up front, because sentences like "I was in a porno," or "I start fires," can scare a guy when things first get going.

I think there's a big difference between keeping some info to yourself and telling someone "what he thinks he wants to hear." Frankly, unless you're looking to fill some hole (this goes back to being honest with yourself) or you hope for them to serve as means to a particular end, this is a dodgy strategy, and never works for the better.

The trap I fall into here is going on a charm offensive when I meet someone I like. It's not necessarily a dishonest version of myself; it's still me, just high on affability, compliments and similar interests. The downside is obvious: This level of enthusiasm and energy is impossible to maintain.

I like to think I'm an honest person, to the point of bluntness--am I kidding myself?

How honest are you? Have you had some experiences with less than honest guys, and did they work out for the better or worse?