Old School, But Never Cool.

Adapt.

Six or seven months ago, or so it feels, my coworker and I were discussing underpants – specifically where to find the softest, and the most comfortable, for the cheapest price. She made a recommendation for a particular brand, at a particular store, and noted that they were ridiculously inexpensive for a 4-pack.

I believe that a person can never own too many pairs of underpants (or socks) so I made my way over to the store. They came in two fabric types – my coworker hadn’t specified which version she thought was best – so I figured I would grab a package of each one.

The problem came when I tried to figure out what size to buy. Instead of having an actual size listed, it had a chart with measurements for hips and waist – in both centimetres and inches. Neither of which was helpful because I have absolutely no clue as to how many centimetres my butt takes up. 8? 52? 127? 10? I don’t remember what the options were, but none of them seemed unreasonable or reasonable. Just random numbers.

Luckily, I am shaped like a marshmallow – a cylinder-ish shape – so I tried to remember my bra size and added a couple of inches and figured that might work. I grabbed two packages and went home, threw them into the washing machine and dryer, and then tried them on.

They sort of fit? I mean, they didn’t fall off of me – but they pulled up over my belly button. The waistband wasn’t noticeable in the slightest against my skin because it wasn’t even a tiny bit stretched. I started laughing when I looked in the mirror. Gramma panties! Well, I had 8 pairs of them washed, so I put on my jeans and went about my day.

As it turns out, I fucking love these underpants. Both fabrics. Holy crap. As it turns out, the two fabrics are also slightly different designs, but.. I love them.

I have “stomach issues” at the best of times – I bloat after eating, I bloat more after eating certain foods (most of which I love to eat). I bloat when I have PMS. When my stomach is upset, any pressure on it makes me feel worse. My digestive system is a bitch. These underpants stretch to the point that I could probably gain 20 pounds and they’d still fit – – but, still, amazingly don’t slide down. WTF. How do they work? MAGIC.

And that’s the story of how I ended up with a drawer full of incredibly ugly underpants.