Dear Alex

It’s been nearly 5 1/2 years since we parted under strenuous circumstances and when I sit down long enough and let myself remember the time we shared together, it still seems like yesterday because the pain is still so very real and honestly, so very raw. You’re probably wondering what brought this about after all this time … the real reason behind my letter. You always were cautious when it came to what I was thinking behind everything that I ever did. I doubt very seriously you have changed in that aspect, even in the years that have passed. Some things never change and that, in its way, is soothing to know.

Honestly, I’m not sure I have the answer to that. I came across an old story that I had written long ago before our chance encounter and it brought it all back … as vividly as if I had picked up an old photo album and flipped through our memories captured on its pages. And then I found myself watching old videos of you singing. The sound of your laughter … the way your nose scrunches up when you are being silly … the movement of your body when you know you are being watched … it all came back like a tidal wave of emotions. I found myself going through our memories, frame by frame, as I played them back through my mind. I kept everything we ever said to one another that was captured in written word and again I was reminded of the passion we shared. I can still feel it … the raw power of our attraction and the soft web of love as it was weaved between us in intricate patterns that were growing stronger day by day.

I remember there was a time when I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to look back on our time together and be able to smile. I always thought it would bring tears to my eyes because I was so devastated when you wouldn’t forgive me. Even now, writing this years later, I can feel the empty hole that still sits in my belly that will forever be a reminder of the pain that I caused you. I’ve come to terms with it being my token of what I alone killed. But here I am, looking back and honestly, I’m okay. It would be a lie if I said that I didn’t miss you … that I still didn’t want a second chance but at least I have accepted your decision, one you have held fast to for many years now.

I try not to keep up with you as much. I don’t mean that in a cruel or hurtful way but I’m just being honest when I say that the less I know what you are doing and with who, the better off I am. I could still easily get lost in you. Of course, Mmaakk still keeps me updated even when I don’t really want to hear it. I think she knows that despite everything, even all the time that has passed, that you will always be my one true love. She knows me better than anyone, even myself at times. I know she means well and I love her to death. Besides, if I’m honest, I have to admit that hearing about you occasionally brings a smile to my lips as I remember how much I still love you.

A part of me wants to start rambling about mundane, every day stuff … asking how you are doing, how you’ve been, what’s going on new … things that only strangers do. After all this time, there is an aspect that feels that way … as though we are strangers that really don’t know everything that we should have taken time the first time to learn. In retrospect, that is what we should have done … gotten to really know one another. But the other part of me wants to beg you to take me in your arms and love me as only you can do. I still ache to show you what you do to me … how you make me feel. I want to show you just how deep my regret intermingles with my unmistakable desire for you. But I know that I can’t go there alone. At this point, it would take you initiating anything for me to even go there. I know that I would tiptoe as if walking on eggshells around you if you were to return. At least, for a while.

Before I let my emotions run away with me and succumb to the tears that threaten my eyes even as I stare at this computer screen, I just want to say that I was thinking about you. Nothing more … nothing less. I’m not expecting a reply to this letter … I’m not hoping for a second chance. I just wanted you to know that you are still thought about. I hope you are doing well. I do. I hope that life is giving to you all that you deserve. I hope that you find love that will fuel the man in you that I see emerging more and more with every passing year as I watch from afar.