The Greatest

The greatest invention in the history of mankind isn’t the internet, or the airplane, or the light bulb. Not the phone, the car, the various abilities to generate power, certainly not the nuclear bomb. The greatest invention ever is the video camera. Hands down. Without the video camera, we wouldn’t have entire television shows dedicated to watching people hurt themselves, which is always hilarious. No “World’s Dumbest Criminals,” no “Stunts Gone Wrong,” no “Insane Animal Attacks.” (I know my entire argument wouldn’t exist without the invention of the television, but work with me). And without the video camera, specifically the ultra-cheap pocket cameras that are available at any electronics retailer, we would miss out on the absolute funniest moment any of us will ever witness: the groin shot. The groin shot is the holy grail of home video footage. Not baby’s first steps, not her first words, not the footage of the family at the Grand Canyon. It’s dad getting hit in the package, preferably by some bizarre method. Any groin shot is funny mind you. Even though it’s a bit cliché, any time you see footage of kids around stair rails and they’re on either skate boards or rollerblades, you pretty much know what’s going to happen. It’s funny, but it’s funny like Dane Cook, in other words, not really. But whenever a guy takes one out of left field, now that’s George Carlin funny. Any time a kid walks up and just punches a guy in the groin, funny. Any time a guy is pitching Wiffle ball to his kid, you know exactly what’s going to happen. Whenever a guy steps on a rake, tries to jump over a parking meter, heads full speed towards a tree on a zip line, gets charged by a goat. All really funny. The thing about the male groin is, whenever a video camera is present, the groin becomes like a magnet. Just about anything that could possibly go wrong will, and it always seems to wind up with the guy doubled over in excruciating pain. Like the guy who stands about twenty feet away while someone lights a rocket fuse. For some reason the rocket falls over and takes off, and the guy cannot get out of the way. He even jumps to try to avoid it and the rocket makes a last second correction, I swear to god, to account for the new elevation. Result: guy hunched over in agony. That’s a description of a real clip I saw recently. Any time it happens, anywhere it happens, it’s funny. Only because it’s not me. And every single guy reading this would agree.