Thursday, February 4, 2010

I never thought that the feeling like I am gonna puke would put a smile on my face. But yet here I am, just finished dinner and afraid if I move to quickly its all gonna come back up. Up until this point I have only felt a little queasy when I wait to long to eat. Which reminds me of my other new symptom, waking up at 3 am to pee and then fighting to go back to sleep because I feel like I am starving! I know I should prob just eat a cracker or two when that happens but its 3am! I barely make it to the bathroom without running into the wall let alone the kitchen and digging in the pantry for food.But the crazy thing is the sicker I feel the happier I am, more symptoms has to be good right? I can't wait till the 12th, but am also still nervous about it. But my new fear this week is that this pregnancy is ectopic and I just want that feeling to go away. The lower abdominal pain is still there and more noticable at night. Right now as I struggle not to hurl I am getting little jabs on the right side. They are nothing that makes me unable to function or that doubles me over in pain so it has to be normal uterus stretching. But I have a very imaginative mind and not always in the best way.I may call the OB nurse tomorrow and ask her about another blood draw and if it would be better to wait on the ultrasound. At first they thought I was further along based off my LMP but I have never O'd on the 14th cycle day and so I am a week and a half back from what they thought when they scheduled it.So now I am off to find some crackers to try and keep my dinner down.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

This morning I woke up with a very stuffy nose, which is basically become routine for the past few days. It goes away after a few hours of getting up. But other than that and the occasional indigestion that is my only symptom. So it actually makes me happy not to be able to breathe out my nose in the morning.I called my doc a little bit ago to find out what my first appt will include and found out they will be doing an ultrasound. I will only be 6 weeks and 1 day. There is a possibility that we will be able to see the heartbeat but there is also the possibility that we won't. It seems too close like last time and I think that is the part that freaks me out. I don't want to leave that doctor's office crushed and wondering what happens next.These are the times I wish for time machines so I can fast forward and skip the unknown. Because the unknown is the part that makes me nervous.So tonight I will try to keep the positive thoughts going and continue to tell the little negative voice to shove it.

Monday, February 1, 2010

My TTC journey started in my head for me September 2006 after Joe and I were married. I had already stopped taking birth control 6 months prior and we both wanted to start on our family right away. In October that was halted due to me being diagnosed with Crohn's. So actually TTC started in June 2008 when I was placed on a new med Humira and was given the ok to start by all my doctors. I got pregnant in Feb 2009 but m/c in March.Since then it has been very long cycles, a few rounds of Clomid, some breakdowns and a break from TTC.In January I took Soy and we were back on the TTC road again. A few days ago I got that much desired BFP. Now I just have to stop thinking I am going to lose it again. Everyday in my mind I go through a check list on how my body is doing. Do my breasts hurt? Why is there a dull ache in my abdomen? And the list go on and on. It's this constant voice in the back of my head that I am working on really hard to ignore. Thankfully there is another voice that argues back everything is fine. I'm gonna be a mom in October so enjoy every moment. That once I have this baby I will look back at this time and laugh. I will be able to tell my child someday how much they were loved before they were even created.So this is my ramblings as I struggle to be hopeful and ignore that pesky voice.