Daydreaming…

Two things frightened me today. The first thing was my bloody face and the other, which was actually scarier than my face was the thought that I had upset one of the buddies.

Let’s start with my face.

What I think I am going to see in the mirror is not what I actually see. This disturbs me.

I am getting old, fact. I am not worried by this generally. I quite like being the age I am now, I’d like not to get any older but that isn’t going to happen, well not unless I die so if that’s the only alternative I think I’ll take old age, thanks all the same.

However, my face actually scared me a little today. Some mirrors are definitely not for the faint hearted and the one in the toilets at work ages you by ten years at least.

It suddenly hit me today while examining my lined and fairly spotty face (I can only assume this is hormone related), that in real life I look what I am. A 46-year-old woman and one who seems to be going through puberty again!

This is troubling me because I am meeting Cheung on Friday. Yes, it’s true. We have confirmed a date. #giddy

I’ll tell you what put me in to a tailspin the likes of which I haven’t had for ages and it was a message from the man himself.

He asked me to choose a time and place to meet, which I did and then messaged him with details, 2 pm along with the link to a nice little country pub I had chosen for lunch. Later he replied to say, that it looked lovely and that he was very much looking forward to it as the weather was going to be beautiful…just like you. *smileyface

Just like me!

Instantly this made me re-check the photo I had sent him. It’s a nice, well nice.. ish, photo but the most important thing about this bloody photo is that it was taken in good light.

Now I understand what photographers mean when they say that almost anything can look good with great lighting because now I have concrete evidence that good light makes a huge difference.

When I look at the photo even I think I look young, so that must mean it doesn’t look a bit like me! Why? Because the person staring back at me from the harshly lit mirror in the toilet today looked every bit her 46 years and more. Every line, wrinkle and blemish stood up loud and proud and very clearly visible.

I am being completely irrational about all of this, I am well aware of that. I also know that by being completely irrational and expecting to much of him and of myself it will lead to disappointment. I am trying to be rational but I am failing miserably. I keep trying to talk myself out of it, at the moment I am in love with the idea of it all, in my head is where it will remain lovely, and idyllic, I am quite happy to leave it there. Safely tucked away in the corner of my mind.

If I meet him on Friday it all becomes a reality and I don’t want it to be real, not now. At this precise moment in time there is hope but what will have happened to hope by Friday evening?

I suppose we will have to wait and see.

I feel like I have lots to share at the moment but never seem to find the time to share it.

As I write I am sitting in a field not far from where we live as the football training venue has changed now Summer is here, well for the moment it is here. How long it will last is anyones guess but training is now outside on home turf, it is closer to home by about 15 minutes or so and that works for me. It is still not quite close enough to go home and come back again though, so here I am in a field, half day dreaming and half writing.

It is a beautiful evening, still warm and very peaceful, a train goes by every now then but otherwise it is very relaxing indeed. Every so often my mind drifts to Friday and I have to pull it back again before I start trying to think of an excuse not to go.

Argh. I need to stop thinking about it!

It will take me a long time to explain what happened at work today, well not so much what happened but why it happened.

Mostly it was born out of sheer frustration, frustration about our workloads, well not mine in particular but the buddies workloads. The demands from the Doctors and the patients are becoming increasingly difficult to manage. The doctors, short on time themselves are pushing more work back on to us, understandably so but with the demands of the patients as well, the expectations that people have in general these days on service providers, even ours is out of control.

Today was just one of those days where the workload was increasing at a rate of knots but actioning and completing anything was seemingly impossible. Unable to get hold of anyone in the hospitals, no responses to emails, lack of answers, headway, anything really. It is hard going. Patients chasing us, us chasing the hospitals and neither one of us getting anywhere fast.

By lunchtime, which was later than normal today as there was so much to do, the buddies were frazzled. Now, I feel at this point I should say that we get on extremely well us three, we are very like-minded, however, this does not mean we always agree. In relationships of any kind it is not compulsory for you to always agree.

Despite my being quite opinionated and a bit of a loud mouth I really do detest confrontation. I dislike bad feeling and certainly do not ever intend to offend people intentionally. Well for the most part. I mean some people do just rub you up the wrong way but not my buddies. I could never fall out with either of them, it would kill me.

I had to keep checking all afternoon that we were actually ok and we are, of course we are. I would never have let it end any other way. I made the mistake and I made sure it was rectified.

There was no way I could have left it unsettled.

If I had to go and check a million times that everything was ok between us I would have done.

It’s been a long day and this has taken far longer than expected, I wanted to tell you some other things tonight but I have run out of time and energy now. I have also made myself promise to get to bed at a reasonable time in an effort to appear more fresh as a daisy on Friday. I need all the help I can get.

I know the feeling! Also curious as to what happened with your buddy… I think with everything that happened that day and feeling exhausted not just physically but mentally and emotionally too that would make anyone feel they want it done and over with already… I’ve been there! xx