I have 1000 acres, a Wood-Chipper and a Backhoe!

Dear Diary, my two beautiful girls are starting down the road to finding a suitor, I am so frustrated as I tried to make them unsuitable since they were little girls. I spent hours teaching them to burp, fart and swear like a sailor. This apparently didn’t work because for some reason the boys keep calling.

So I will sharpen my knife collection, load special occasion ammunition and plot the many ways to make the boy who hurts my little girl, disappear. I have received a wonderful book from a great friend (Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date: 30 Minutes Man-To-Man by Dennis Rainey). I think every Fat Dad needs to interview his daughters’ future suitors. This might be a better road than going to prison. Who can blame a father’s emotional decision to slaughter all the boys who come knocking on the door?

The Book talks about, as a dad, you want to protect your daughter-especially from boys with super-charged hormones. Instead of reaching for a baseball bat, there is an alternative. Have a one-on-one conversation with every young man who’d like to take her out. This is more than an interview, it’s an opportunity; a chance to set the bar high, to hold your daughter’s date accountable for something precious. It’s even a chance to build into a young man-and your daughter-the value of a God-honoring relationship.

If this doesn’t work, show him your latest hunting kill and explain how you ran out of bullets and you had to take the animal down with your bare hands. Be strong Fat Dads, but remember, if they hurt our little girls; we have no problem spending time in prison.

Post navigation

5 thoughts on “I have 1000 acres, a Wood-Chipper and a Backhoe!”

If frightening the suitor doesn’t work, try inviting the young man over for dinner. Keep him busy with chores that ” you need a little help with” and pat him on the back, a lot, while you make him watch odd ball sports orn western reruns with you. Keep telling your daughter how much you like the lad. Whatever you do, do not tell your daughter she can not see him ( or his type.) My dad was thought I should only date white boys and under no circumstances should I go out with a man on a motorcycle. Suddenly I was attracted to brown skinned bikers.

I invited my daughter’s then boyfriend out to the range with us.
I had a “proud papa” moment when she out shot him — by a wide margin.

I strongly suggest that any potentially serious suitor be invited to the range. Of course in the mean time, putting her range target –marked with date, distance and caliber — in a prominent place in the home is advised for non-serious suitors. Display it next to yours (cheat if you have to — shot from close distance, steal a target from a better shot, etc) — subtle hints sometimes work best.

It’s even a chance to build into a young man-and your daughter-the value of a God-honoring relationship.

On a serious note, hopefully this has been started long before the interview. Treating her and her mom/your wife as they should be goes a long way to setting that expectation. I had outings with my daughter when she was younger. I opened her door, I asked her opinion, I treated her with respect, courtesy and showed her that I treated her mom the same. Those are the lessons, one not taught but seen, that really set the bar high.

Just as a complete aside — nothing related to your previous comments you understand — but we have a private membership range with 104 acres, earth moving equipment and a decidely un-curious membership on occasion (many of them are dads/granddads and know when not to ask).

And with 2,500 members, I’m sure an appropriate alibi — I mean get together far away from an particular location can be arranged.