CANADA NOT TERRORIST THREAT

At Prime Minister Paul Martin’s meeting with U.S. President George W. Bush this week in Texas, the Canadian politician made it clear to America that he was not a terrorist threat.

Mr. Martin stood side-by-side with both Mr. Bush and Mexican President Vicente’s Fox while managing to avoid stabbing, or punching Mr. Bush. The trip marked the first time Mr. Bush declared Mr. Martin, and Canada, to be non-life-threatening.

“I was impressed,” said Mr. Bush during the conference, in which the leaders discussed international trade and what Mike Delfino’s real job is on Desperate Housewives. “He was standing right next to me the whole time and never pulled out those fancy Canadian machine-guns or tried to stab me with a sword.”

According to U.S. defence records, Mr. Martin has said that if he met Mr. Bush he would stab him in the heart. Yet, it took restraint on the part of the Canadian leader to abstain from violence.

“Bush kept on saying ‘Thanks for not killing me, you terrorist-hiding bastard.’ I never planned to kill him; it was confusing,” said Mr. Martin. “I am not aware of president Bush’s concerns,” said a frequently shooshed the Fox.

A White House spokesperson trumpeted the occasion as a stepping stone for relations between Canada and the U.S. “Wow, look at how close the two are standing together! And they’re both smiling,” said public relations flack Arnold D. Hemmingway.

“No terrorist activity on that front.” As soon as the conference was over, Mr. Bush patted Mr. Martin on the back and his crotch for concealed weapons of mass destruction.