We ACTUALLY DOknow how to talk in human, non-techie language... our jobs depend on it!

Computers don't make high pitched beeps and chirps when displaying data.

If they did, that would be the first setting disabled by any developer

Programmers are not electrical engineers... most don't own a soldering iron.

I have no idea how to hack. Neither do my colleagues.

Developers in your workplace:

We are not a necessary evil.

Don't tell us what you think the solution is, give us the symptoms of the problem or requirement... you'll get a lot further much, much quicker

Code-freeze means: that bug is staying, so live with it.

I can see that you deleted the record. There is an audit trail!! Stop trying to blame my code and man up!

I genuinely do not know how long it will take until I look at it properly - this is not a lazy stalling tactic

If it gives unwanted results after passing UAT, its YOUR FAULT!

Non-techie management should never pick platforms. Ever. Every time... every bloody time they get pitched a bunch of rubbish by guys with big smiles in sharp suits with a shiny box of promises. They then make an executive decision and a million dollars disappears along with what remains of my work place happiness!

Agile/Scrum means: If you don't turn up to stand up meetings your work will not get done. Your fault.

We're more creative than your marketing department.

Developers in real life:

Yes, I can develop web sites... but no, I won't do it for the contents of your penny jar, so don't ask as refusal may offend.

I don't know specifically why your home computer is slow/broken/won't print/can't get online... it could be any one of a thousand million things. I'm a programmer, go talk to an infrastructure guy. Look: there's one over there hiding behind the curtains!

I don't care about your daughter/brother/aunt/long-lost-friend who "works with computers"

Don't glaze over because I said "Database" when you asked me the question