Bad News: Americans are Not Great at Giving or Having Orgasms

Get it together, Yanks, good God.

Uncle Sam wants you…to explain the female orgasm to him, because he thought he had it under control, but apparently not.

A global survey from sex toy manufacturerLELO demonstrated this week that Americans are barely average, at best, in anything pertaining to orgasms. That is, we don’t experience the most orgasms per week, our orgasms are generally of a C+ quality when they happen, and we’re not very comfortable with being loud in bed.

However, things could definitely be worse: almost 3% of Germans report never having experienced an orgasm in their entire lives, and 30% of Brazilians say they only get to orgasm once a week — though the same study shows Brazil is the loudest when they actually get to climax. Folks in Chile, Italy, and Spain rated their orgasms on a power scale with the highest possible score — admittedly, Lelo’s survey doesn’t explain what marks a particularly powerful orgasm. Are we talking ejaculate trajectory, how long a woman’s legs shake afterward, or how likely you are to black out while finishing?

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Hey dude, it's fine. Take some time off after that climax.

Interestingly, 65% of Brazilians self-identify as “screamers” — that’s almost noisier than the entire world put together. As with every other question on the Orgasm Survey, Americans came in as milquetoast in this category; when asked whether they have loud orgasms, most Yanks just said, “Sometimes.”

As for what all these horny people around the world are getting off to, Americans prefer lesbian porn, specifically involving either step-siblings or a step-mother. Germany, the saddest country in the world with the lowest number of orgasms, vastly prefers porn featuring German actresses, and they also like teens and MILFs. As for the screamers in Brazil, they’re mostly having earth-shattering, operatic orgasms while watching Overwatch porn.