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Topic: no gift... (Read 14895 times)

Did your son get a Christmas gift last year? I ask because sometimes people will have a policy of birthday gifts, but not Christmas, or the other way around.

I know you said there probably won't be any other g-grandchildren for a while, but maybe Grandma's looking ahead and seeing that buying for lots of g-grandchildren all at once at Christmas will be expensive and has decided to start as she means to go on, by not buying at Christmas.

No gift doesn't mean cut off, or no love, or anything like that. In the absence of any evidence that Grandma is angry about anything, I would continue as normal, and assume everything's fine.

I may be making too much of it, however, if everyone in you family and extended family receives a gift (and I mean everyone, cousins, aunts, uncles, in law's, ect.) and you receive nothing for you child, even though she specifically said that I and my dh were not going to receive one because she will be buying for our son...you would not be hurt? My family is a family that has always given gifts, it may be out of the ordinary for some families but not for mine to give and receive gifts. We send my grandmother Swiss Colony each year so I guess that would be considered a gift. My other cousins 22 and under do not send my grandmother a gift but always receive one. You are telling me you wouldn't be upset? I'm not being a gimme just simply think it's odd.

I may be making too much of it, however, if everyone in you family and extended family receives a gift (and I mean everyone, cousins, aunts, uncles, in law's, ect.) and you receive nothing for you child, even though she specifically said that I and my dh were not going to receive one because she will be buying for our son...you would not be hurt? My family is a family that has always given gifts, it may be out of the ordinary for some families but not for mine to give and receive gifts. We send my grandmother Swiss Colony each year so I guess that would be considered a gift. My other cousins 22 and under do not send my grandmother a gift but always receive one. You are telling me you wouldn't be upset? I'm not being a gimme just simply think it's odd.

If it had been lost in the mail, she is the type of person who would have asked my mother if we received it.

I may be making too much of it, however, if everyone in you family and extended family receives a gift (and I mean everyone, cousins, aunts, uncles, in law's, ect.) and you receive nothing for you child, even though she specifically said that I and my dh were not going to receive one because she will be buying for our son...you would not be hurt? My family is a family that has always given gifts, it may be out of the ordinary for some families but not for mine to give and receive gifts. We send my grandmother Swiss Colony each year so I guess that would be considered a gift. My other cousins 22 and under do not send my grandmother a gift but always receive one. You are telling me you wouldn't be upset? I'm not being a gimme just simply think it's odd.

I would think it was odd but I wouldn't be hurt. Something might have happened, it might have slipped her mind, it might have gotten lost in the mail, anything really.

I may be making too much of it, however, if everyone in you family and extended family receives a gift (and I mean everyone, cousins, aunts, uncles, in law's, ect.) and you receive nothing for you child, even though she specifically said that I and my dh were not going to receive one because she will be buying for our son...you would not be hurt? My family is a family that has always given gifts, it may be out of the ordinary for some families but not for mine to give and receive gifts. We send my grandmother Swiss Colony each year so I guess that would be considered a gift. My other cousins 22 and under do not send my grandmother a gift but always receive one. You are telling me you wouldn't be upset? I'm not being a gimme just simply think it's odd.

No, I wouldn't be upset. My thinking is that gifts are optional and actions speak louder than words. Until someone actually gives me a gift, I don't count on it, regardless of what that person may have said or what our past history is.

This attitude prevents me from being disappointed and always results in me being surprised and happy to receive a gift.

I may be making too much of it, however, if everyone in you family and extended family receives a gift (and I mean everyone, cousins, aunts, uncles, in law's, ect.) and you receive nothing for you child, even though she specifically said that I and my dh were not going to receive one because she will be buying for our son...you would not be hurt? My family is a family that has always given gifts, it may be out of the ordinary for some families but not for mine to give and receive gifts. We send my grandmother Swiss Colony each year so I guess that would be considered a gift. My other cousins 22 and under do not send my grandmother a gift but always receive one. You are telling me you wouldn't be upset? I'm not being a gimme just simply think it's odd.

Being hurt is fine, no one can tell you that you shouldn't feel a certain way. You know your family dynamics better than we do. If your family is quite upfront about who receives gifts for what occasion, perhaps it wouldn't be out of line to have your mom (etc.) ask her mother about it--not in a demanding or accusatory way, but just out of curiosity. It seems to be bothering you, so maybe you would feel better if someone investigated it for you. It could still be some kind of mix-up or delay, like the gift was back-ordered or something. And, on the off chance Grandma is trying to send you some kind of message with the lack of a gift, I think it's better that someone (not you) ask her about it directly, and get things out in the open.

I personally think the best course of action would be to try and let it go this year, and focus on your overall relationship with Grandma. As someone else asked, when you call her, does she seem unusually cool and distant? If so, you could ask her about that, and maybe that would reveal something. One incident does not a pattern make; but if there's no gift, and no card for your anniversary in March (for example), and she's cool and distant on the phone, and she doesn't reply to any of your emails--then you have a good case for saying, "Grandma, I feel like you've been kind of distant with me lately. Have I done anything to offend you?"

Not that it really makes a difference. No matter what, she's not obligated to give anything, regardless of your perceptions of her financial status. Sometimes people's financial obligations, or even their personal priorities change.

I think you need to reframe your thinking about this. Your grandmother is not now, nor was she ever, obligated to give you, your siblings, your parents, or your child a gift. That she had been doing so is very, very nice, but giving once (or twenty-six times) does not obligate her to continue to give.

Also OP, I remember an earlier thread you had about being hurt by lack of presents from your grandmother. I do understand it can be surprising and strange not to receive anything all of a sudden but I think you'd save yourself a lot of heartache if you just don't except anything and take everything you many receive as a wonderful surprise.

I know a lot of people are telling you to be grateful for what you recieve (including myself earlier) and that can be a bit dogpily.

Does your grandmother or family in general have a history of communicating displeasure by not giving gifts? Is that where this concern comes from. I know sometimes outsiders may not speak the language of the family and it can be hard to understand.

I was just going to suggest this. Would it be polite if the OP's mother said something like, "Hey, I didn't hear what you got OP's son for Christmas! They enjoyed the Elf on the Shelf so much last year. What did you choose this year?" Then Grandma will either say, "Oh, I got him a train set," and people can go scrambling around trying to figure out what happened to it; or she will say, "Oh, I decided not to get him anything/etc." and then you will know the reason. Would that be too obvious, do you think? With close relatives (like Grandma and her daughter) I personally don't think such a question would be out of line or pushy, especially if gift-giving "rules" are generally discussed (e.g., I'm not getting gifts for you anymore, just for your son).

I love this. If I were the OP's mom, I'd totally do it. Make it sound like I was curious.

Or even say, "Did you get a thank-you note from Daughter, or should I give her a nudge. She's normally very good, but I know she's been busier than normal."

Here's another idea for sussing out whether a gift was sent but got lost: Do you suppose if you dropped Grandma a post-Christmas note, it might prompt her to reply, "and how did you like the gift for Baby?" And then you can say "Oh, we never got it!"

And if Grandma deliberately decided to leave your family off her list, then at least you'll demonstrate to her that you do genuinely care about HER, and it might prompt her to change how she views you. (If she is indeed now viewing you negatively, which it sounds as if that's what you're worried about.)

I am telling you I would not be upset to not receive a gift for me or for my child. I would be upset if there were bad blood or something, but if I were the grandma I would be offended and a little disgusted if I were "called out" for not giving a gift. Given the number of people she apparently buys for, what would the value of this gift be anyway? To me, yes, you are putting way to much importance on a gift.