Step 2 : Exit the bedroom {undecided}

Despite heading off to bed for an early night with a hot water bottle full of good intentions, sleep eluded me last night.

All the ideas, the dreams, the hopes, the revelations – they created a big barrier to restful slumber. So I got out of bed to take action, but all the excited and chattering creative birds flew away. What they left in their stead, well – it wasn’t pleasant. It wasn’t hopeful. It wasn’t colourful – it was guttural and raw – sinews were exposed.

Eventually, the demons were sleepy and I managed some shut eye. Until morning proper. When I couldn’t leave the bathroom for all the tears.

I sat down to morning pages. I have this pretty debilitating case of tendonitis right now, so I’ve been doing much less writing and arting this last week.

But what happened last night was the revelation : step into the fire and feel the flames/let them burn. When you’ve stopped skating around on the surface and your wish is to go deeper – in search of breakthrough – then you have to know that it gets way messier, dirtier, darker and burnier than ever before.

So, I’ve been working on that. It isn’t at all pretty. I’m hurting. It’s hard to talk about (shame, fear – you know …) After writing out the pages I didn’t know if I could leave the bed. I didn’t know if I could leave the bedroom. I was undecided.

It could go either way. This release. This sinking deeper (there is no choice but to go deep).

What actually is the difference between absolute, free, wildly creative abandon – and insanity, despair, dysfunction? Is it the outcome, or the process – or the ability to capture it and share either?

6 Comments

This is not an easy process, no Truth is ever easy to confront head on when we aren’t in practice of doing so. I know this moment you’re describing so well. I’ve been there. I felt I had no choice but to trust the process and I am so grateful I did.

The last year of my life has been profoundly transformational, in large part because I showed up and did the work.

I’m so proud of you for bearing this vulnerability. It is beautiful in it’s own right, and I hope you continue to take steps as slowly as you need to.

There is no black and white, only gray areas in the questions you pose. Don’t seek answers, they will come in time with a new understanding. What may feel like insanity may indeed be breakthrough to a new understanding. Different can be terrifying.

You’re doing some amazing work, I can tell! Know I am right here with you on this journey. xo

There are lots of things about this strange journey through life I don’t understand. I’ll just share a little bit from my own experience. I was trying to build a morning pages habit over the winter but I had to stop – the writing was getting darker and darker, and words seem to shape my mood, colouring the shape and feel of the whole day that followed.

I stopped for the sake of my own well-being, and desire to hold faith in the beauty of the world. That to me, it turns out, is more important than seeking the truth, whatever that might be. I need to find practices that also make me feel well, and healthy inside.

I don’t know if that helps or makes sense at all. It is offered simply – well, just from me to you, in case it does.