Thursday, June 18, 2009

You would most certainly have been shocked at the sight of me, right down in my child's face, screaming at him at the top of my lungs. You would most certainly have wondered why I continued to rant and rave long after the wee thing ducked his head away from me and long after tears started to flow down his ruddy cheeks.

You might not have realized that I was more frightened than I have ever been in my life.

Graham and I had stopped off at the supermarket on the way home to pick up the steaks for the barbecue and, as usual, I was pretty lax about letting him gleefully race up and down the aisles. This store is not the one where I saw my life flash before my eyes, it's a small, local store where I've been going for years and where everyone knows both of us by name.

Once into the busy parking lot however, as is my habit, I clutched Graham's hand tightly, pointed out all of the moving cars and sternly admonished him to stick close to my side.

Except he didn't.

Just a few steps out of the doorhe shrugged off my hand and ran ahead of me with a mischievous giggle.

"Graham!" I shouted. "Get back here right now, Graham!"

But he ignored me and continued running.

And then I saw the car.

The car was backing out of a parking spot at a rapid pace, the kind of jerky, jaunty pace a driver sets when they are absolutely certain there is absolutely nothing in their path.

Except there was.

I dropped my groceries and started to run, only vaguely aware that my screaming had a throaty, desperate quality that sounded unlike anything that had ever come out of my mouth before.

But Graham didn't stop.

There was a sickening screech of brakes just as the car's back bumper kissed Graham's back. As I ran towards him, the woman driver turned and caught my eye: the terror on her face was a perfect reflection of what I was feeling.

Oblivious, Graham turned to me, casually patted the car and giggled.

That's when I lost it.

I have never yelled at Graham like I yelled at him then. I yelled at him for a good five minutes in the parking lot and I yelled at him all the way home.

I gave my anger and my fear full license because I wanted Graham to remember it. I wanted to traumatize him, to cement in his head that bad things, very, very bad things happen when little boys run into the paths of speeding cars.

It wasn't until we pulled into our driveway that I lost steam. Graham was sobbing quietly and I was teary-eyed. I parked, released him from his car seat, brushed his tears away and hugged him to me tightly.

"Mommy was so scared Graham. You ran right into a car back there, right into a car."

He sniffed and buried his head further into my shoulder.

"You could have been killed Graham, do you understand that?"

More sniffles.

I brushed away my own tears.

"I love you more than anything in the world Graham. If something had happened to you back there Mommy's heart would be broken forever. Do you understand that?

Mommy's heart would be broken forever".

And we hugged then for a good long time before he raised his tear-stained face.

"I understand Mommy, I understand."

He doesn't, of course, but such is the nature of children and of childhood.

Good LORD. Wynn does that, too---the run off, the impish grin. It's cute and all until it isn't. Your response is absolutely justified and will hopefully send the important message to Graham that, in parking lots (and otherwise), mommy's in charge. For safety reasons. And total LOVE.

No no no, don't you beat up on yourself for yelling in that situation! He needs to learn that...it's important. That episode of yelling could save his life.

I get annoyed with myself if I blow up over little things like the room being messy or the kids drawing with marker on the furniture. But incidents like the one you describe? They are worth it. These are important lessons kids need to learn. You are still a good mom.

That doesn't make you a bad mom in the least. OMG my stomach was in my throat reading that. I'm so glad that everything turned out okay...I'm so thankful that she stopped in time. Wow. My heart is still pounding...I cannot imagine. ::hugs::

There's a reason why we lose it in those types of circumstances--and you totally nailed it. Sometimes you have to get through to your child no matter what it takes.

What a terrifying situation. I could not help but think as I read this of my daughter's friend. He is a quadraplegic because of a car backing over him when he was a toddler. I'm so happy that Graham is okay.

I understand because I have been there too. Right after telling my 4 year old to hold my hand to cross the street, he pulled his hand from my grip and ran out into the street...right into the path of an oncoming vehicle. I screamed his name and I don't think I've ever moved so fast, running to grab him and yank him back to safety so hard, I worried that I hurt his arm.

And then I did the exact same thing you did, YELLED at him so loudly that my throat hurt later, then burst into tears.

Maybe he was traumitized, but he also gets it now and holds my hand when I say so.

I completely know where you were at emotionally. It's horrifying, seeing them right at the edge of that cliff and not being sure if you can actually pull them back in time. Not all kids CAN be pulled back. And he sure as hell needed to be pertified of the parking lot. The street is a serious offense for my kids. It warrants not only screeching but also lots of stuff taken away, another hysterical yelling fest and any other way I can think of to scare the shit out of them.

I like the way you finished it. With hugs and an explanation of how scary it was for you to almost lose what you love most. Him. If you'd just told him that, without all the yelling, it would have just been a sweet moment. This situation called for much more than a sweet moment. You did good.

This is one of the few situations when I think an over-the-top reaction, even including spanking, is not only okay, but even a good response, for exactly the reason you outline. You want to not hurt but SHOCK them into remembering that this was a BIG DEAL, and that they have never seen mommy lose her shit like that before or since. (Which is why I also think it has to be reserved for only those times, or it makes no big impression.)

Oh. My. God. I'm so glad he's okay. I'm teary eyed just thinking about it. I would have yelled too. How terrifying. I had such a big reaction when I read about the car coming close enough to touch him before it stopped that my mother-in-law, who's visiting, asked "What are you looking at?"

OMG Kelly! I would have cried and yelled and cried and yelled some more!!! I can't believe it! Lauren has a habit of doing this too... And I am always worried something is going to happen to her. Thank goodness he's ok. Big huge hugs to you. xoxo

I got teary-eyed thinking about what could have happened... I am so very relieved that no serious physical harm resulted from this. Sure, I would have wondered why you were screaming at your son, but you had a damned good reason.

All of my worst parenting moments have happened in grocery store parking lots, I swear. I'm sure I look awfully mean to casual observers. But it's a scary place, man, and little kids are too easy to overlook. I just don't think small children evolved to handle this kind of situation where they could so easily be killed.

Tears. I remember the one time that I must have looked exactly the same as you, screaming at Isobel on the street corner. She'd just shrugged off my hand and attempted to run across the busy street (right by the beach where you had photos the last time you were in Vancouver). 4 lanes of traffic and my then two-year old, barely as tall as a bumper.

It scared the crap out of me, and I scared the crap out of her, and we both cried.

And you're right, it stuck with her. She's never run away to cross the street without me in the past year, since.

Oh my God! I have been there with both my kids and have lost it too. I have always explained it to them, that Mummy was terrified and loves them so much that if anything happened to them I would be heartbroken. And I think they understand. That doesn't stop them from still doing silly things sometimes ... my 8-year-old almost walked in front of a car the other day. He knows his safety, he just didn't think to look! Kids - it's no wonder I haven't had a heart attack by now. They are so precious. Glad your little one is okay!

Everything I would say has already been said, but I know this fear of which you so share, and just the thoughts raised from reading your experience makes me shaky again. It's hard being a kid with so much being told and taught to you, but wow, it's so hard being a parent, too!

I would never have wondered if you were a bad mother. I think every kid does something like this at least once (sometimes more!). He needed to learn the lesson, and hopefully your yelling at him cemented it in his head. I'm glad he's okay! :)

GAH.Each of my kids has done something just heart-stoppingly terrifying - my son, at 3, pulled a LOADED DISHWASHER over onto himself. He wasn't hurt but those seconds while we got it off him - silent and unmoving - are still frozen in my mind.

That would have scared the Bejesus out of me!! And I'm pretty sure I would have reacted the same way. I'm hoping you made an impression on him so that he won't do it again. So glad she saw him and that he's fine...

My heart was totally in my throat reading this. How unbelievably terrifying. We have all had those moments, and you reacte the only way possible in that situation.

Bee once ran ahead of me on the sidewalk (which I normally allow), and ended up being nano-seconds away from getting hit by a car pulling into it's driveway. Oh. My. God. The only person to yell at was the driver, and you can be sure I did.

Oh my goodness. I'm so glad your little boy was okay. I'd be screaming too. The thought of losing one (or any) of my babies...I don't think I could handle it. I know there are those who have been strong enough, but I don't know if I could be. Ack! I cried.

i've been that mother in the parking lot, screaming at a child who almost got hit by a car because he thought he was being funny. i've been that mother, screaming through the store like a banshee, looking for my son who was playing hide and seek...without my knowledge. this post...i soooooo get!!xo

I'm crying 'cause your ost is bring back memories of a time I yelled like that before. Yelled until i peed my pants, literally. Then I continued to yell some more - Sierra fell into our backyard pool carrying 3 noodles trying to help me clean it. The pool is 9 ft deep. Thankfully, I was a NLS certified lifguard back the day, and knew exactly what do.

Graham will get over the emotional pain - and I am sure he will never do that again. Sierra now holds Brooke's hand and makes sure she stays on the grass when we're doing stuff in the backyard.

This is terrifying. My son, playing dress-up from the costume box, once came into me with a plastic bag over his head. I reacted like you did, with hysterical fear and speeches about how this could kill him. It made such an impression (this was nearly two years ago, when he was only 2 1/2) that to this day, he gets teary eyed when he mentions the incident. He will NEVER put a plastic bag on his head again. My bet is that Graham will never dash off in a parking lot again either.

Oh god. And I hate to read the comments suggesting that these close calls are all too common. You could not have been hard enough on Graham. I would have screamed, yelled and spanked. I am so glad it came out okay.

You did exactly what I did when my kid ran into traffic. (He lost his hat while crossing the street. It was Bloor, at rush hour, and I grabbed him back with seconds to spare. 8 years later I tear up thinking about it.) They all do it, and we all yell at them and if we are lucky we scare the hell out of them enough that they never ever do it again.

Feel free to keep talking calmly about it every time you go to cross a road or near a parking lot.

I am crying just reading this. It's just every parents worst fear that something will happen to your kids. I was just talking to my kids yesterday about being safe at the swimming pool, etc..and thinking to myself, do they really understand how serious this is? It's scary.

I'm so glad he was okay. I'm just so sorry that you guys had to experience that.

I got shivers reading this. This is one of my biggest fears, because I have a runner. Oh, she is smart and capable, but she thinks it's a fun game to run off while you try to catch her, get her to stop, yell at her, etc. And she has NO sense of danger. I'm hoping we can teach her soon.

I'm SOOOOOOO glad that Graham was okay. I totally understand your yelling at him, and I would do the same.