Thursday, April 14

Beautiful Day

Today I ended a brief hiatus from Facebook. I realized recently that I didn't like the way I was communicating with other people. I was lonely because I only seemed to have contact with other people through this media that made it impossible to communicate with facial expression, warmth, or physical contact. What if I wanted to hug someone? What if I wanted to hold someone's hand. I couldn't.

Being a mother is often very lonely. It's especially lonely when your children are small and getting out of the house involves a U-haul of diapers, juice, snacks, extra clothing, wipes, hand sanitizer, a cup or two, pacifiers, blankets and the like.... On top of that you often feel like you will never get your act together. You find yourself in public with no makeup, or no deodorant, or having forgotten to change out of the blouse with baby drool all over it.

The last few days have been the kinds of days that you feel like you never stop for more than a few minutes, and still you got nearly nothing accomplished, your house is a mess, and you realize at 4:30 that you haven't changed the baby since you dressed her.

A friend of mine posted a link to a blog post about motherhood. One paragraph particularly resonated with me:"Don't find it strange if you are grieving who you once were or what you used to be able to do.This is a new phase of your life!You may be able to bring along some of the old you, but you may have to leave a ton of it behind.Frankly, you were probably pretty super, but it is nothing compared to who you will become as you grow in love and maturity...and faith! "

And I suddenly don't feel so lonely or so very scattered. I am on a journey, and the particular part of my journey that I am on right now, is called motherhood. I am changing, again, into something new and different. It is painful and sad and exciting and so very rewarding. I've had my second child almost a year ago, and I am still trying to transition my mind and heart to this new phase of life. I'm almost afraid that their childhood will be over before I come to terms with the changes that I have resisted so much. It makes me sad sometimes, to know how slow I have been at understanding how much my life MUST change.

A word, after a word, after a word is power.

So I've been trying to reframe my life, one word at a time. I don't have to change. I get to change. My children are not driving me crazy, they are tired and grumpy, and need a nap. I am not just so very behind, I am doing my best.

To you, I am a little silly, but I prefer to think of myself as powerful.

2 comments:

Thanks Chara. I've gotten a lot of freedom "back" into my life as Ennis has become a walker (and explores a lot on his own), but I still have pangs of missing all the old signposts and medals of pre-baby life.Oh--and I have a load of laundry that I am just procrastinating into a pile of mildew instead of hanging it to dry!Thanks for the video. I usually resist youtube, but I'm glad I watched it. I especially like it through the lens of being an artist who uses words.