LOVE WARRIOR NOW AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK!

LOVE WARRIOR NOW AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK!

Hey loves. Look! This is what a survivor looks like.

Last weekend I was with the Canvas Health warriors, raising funds for many of their incredible programs like their suicide prevention call line. The whole weekend made me weepy. Here’s why:

So, there was this one night in college when things were really bad. I was so sick and couldn’t really function and I felt so lost and broken. I was failing out of school and I’d just hurt so many people, so many times. And there is this thing that addicts think at times like these and it goes like this: This is IT. I’ve run out of tries. I can’t ask for forgiveness again. I’m out of forgiveness. I’ve used up so much more than my fair share. I should do everyone I love a favor and just disappear.

So that’s what I was thinking, there on the couch in that dirty basement alone. And that’s when I thought of suicide. That’s when I decided that suicide would keep me from having to face my people and my pain and shame yet again. And so I imagined suicide and it felt like scary, sweet relief and the imagining lingered much too long to be safe. It registered with me, kind of like how you find the exit doors in a movie theatre before the show starts. Just in case. There they are. Kay. I know how to get out if I need to. Once the exit door registers for you- it never fully unregisters. You always remember where the doors are. Just in case the shame gets too heavy.

Effing shame. It’s never the pain that takes us out of the game, loves, it’s the SHAME about the pain.

But the thing is: That night in that basement, I imagined it–but I didn’t do it.

Apparently the way you avoid suicide is not to become a different person (!) or fix yourself (!) or HEAL (?) or become amazing (!!!) yadda yadda. Survival is actually not that complicated or shiny or exciting. The way you avoid suicide is you don’t commit suicide. You just don’t follow Despair’s directions. You wait the despair monster out. You let it yammer away and try to scare the shit out of you and then you remember that despair is loud, but it’s a LIAR. Here is the truth: THERE IS NO RUNNING OUT OF TRIES. LIFE IS FOREVER TRIES. Every heartbeat is proof that you’ve got another try. Listen to me: If your people are tired of you, find some new people. Find a meeting. Those are some good people who know better than anybody that Life is Forever Tries.

This I demand of you: No matter how much you have screwed up, YOU MUST BE FIERCELY ON YOUR OWN SIDE. If you are not, no one else will ever, ever be. You must hold your jacked-up, medicated head high. You must remember that even if it hasn’t been pretty, YOU’VE MADE IT THIS FAR. You must tell those shame and fear voices to BACK THE HELL OFF. Life is hard. You are being as brave and as good as you can. Pat your head for me right this very minute and then get yourself a cookie or four. Watch some television. Put on some warm socks. There you go- sweet, strong girl. We can do hard things. Like survive.

And then listen to me. Oneday, if you let the despair monster come and go and come and go and you refuse to follow his insane directions, you will learn this: Those with the capacity to feel great pain are also those with the capacity to feel deep joy. Those who fall hard, RISE gloriously. Those who are deeply wounded become the greatest healers. Those who come close to death often become those who are MOST ALIVE. You might be one of the extra bad ones — but that means you are also one of the extra good ones.

See that picture above? Taken last weekend right before I walked on stage to make a thousand women laugh and cry and Remember Hope. Am I able to do this because I beat the monster? Because it leaves me alone now? NO! Still speaks to me. It’s just not the BOSS of me. I just say: Oh, shut up. You lie. Pain comes and goes like clouds. LOVE IS THE SUN.

If you’re struggling right now, tell the monster to shut the hell up and listen to me for a minute: You are loved. No matter who you’ve hurt, you deserve forgiveness and you belong to us. There is a place for you here that was created for you before the world began that no one else on Earth can fill. You are a child of God and everything you have ever been or are or will become has already been approved. Please, please stay. Stay. First the pain, then the rising. You must stay for the rising.

P.S. I sent this picture to my friend right before I went out on stage last week. There I am. Waiting. Listening to the crowd. Sweating. Feeling unworthy, uneverything. So this is what the voice says to me at times like this: “Are you kidding me? You’re gonna go out there? In front of all those people? And pretend you have something to say? Who do you think you are?” And for a second I panic.

But then I REMEMBER. And I say: “Me? Who am I ? I am a child of God. Worthy of the space I take up on this Earth. And I have some things to say. So Here I go.”

YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD AND YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY THAT NO ONE ON EARTH CAN SAY FOR YOU. Tell despair to eff off. Don’t leave us before we get to hear it.

I love you.

Canary On, Love Warriors.

; G

PS Want to know more about the symbolism of the ; ? Check out the amazing Project ;Here’s what they say — “Your story is not over. A semicolon is used when an author could’ve ended a sentence but chose not to. You are the author and the sentence is your life.”

If you need to talk to someone right now, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

64 Comments

Thank you Glennon for sharing this very raw personal part of your life with all of us. You are a true warrior. My story is so very similar to yours, it felt as though I had almost dictated those words to you. Truth is the only way and anyone who begrudges you for that, has not yet received this very precious and priceless gift.

Glennon,
I too, spent years battling depression and addiction (several, as I was not a fan of moderation back then). Now, on the other side of it all, I can see it was my unkind mind that was my problem, not my worth or value. Like you, I am passionate about helping others and sharing my message.

Thank you for all that you do, write, teach and say. You are a gem.
Andrea Wachter

Glennon, You touch so many people. I just want you to know from one more *small* person: YOUR voice has given me hope in the darkest, most rock bottom place I’ve ever been in my life. And that is no small thing – hope.

I apologize for leaving this comment here, in your post. I have no idea how to “contact” you, but since I read that you read all the comments-I figure I am good!

Secondly,I just finished reading “Carry On Warrior” today. Like in the wee morning hours I finished, and I had to talk about it with you, of course.

I have been following your blog for many years now, and because I am a slow learner, never quite got around to reading your book. So, the other night I was on “Goodreads” and for reasons that will make me sound completely nuts, I decided to read your “negative” book reviews. I do not know why I do this, it is just a thing with me. I always read the “negative” reviews first. I came away from those reviews thinking “Nope, this is not the book for me, I can just read her blog!” Then again ,for reasons that sound completely nuts I decided “I am going to buy the book!” and I did. I bought it right then and there from Amazon and sent it to my kindle.

Probably one of the best things I have ever done. A few notes.

1. I am totally the “Ghetto” version of you. This will not make sense to you unless you were to know me, you just have to trust me on that one.

2. The first few chapters of your book, I felt like you were talking to me, like you wrote those words just for me to read.

3. The story about weaving rugs, and your mother in law, and future daughter in law – Perfect!!

4. The story about adopting Theo, my favorite!

I am so disappointed I have to wait until September to read “Love Warrior” is there anyway you can change that…..like make it available now or something?

In all honesty, I was truly surprised how much I enjoyed your book. Tonight, I am re reading it for a second time. I do not know how you do it, but you do….and for that, I thank you.

Glennons book is amazing. My therapist (who also has read it) encourages me to re-read certain chapters as a healthy coping skill. I hope Glennon knows how many people she helps by her book. I can’t wait for the next one!!

“if you let the despair monster come and go and come and go and you refuse to follow his insane directions” Thank you for always being so honest about the fact that, for many of us, despair and depression are not a one-off illness that we get through, get cured of and never suffer again. I always feel that I am a failure because I can’t stay “better”, I keep falling down again, I go back to counselling, wonder if I should try different medication. Somehow, it must be my fault, my flaw because “everyone else” (whoever they are) gets better and stays better. When I read your words, I feel like maybe I am not so odd after all. I know there is one more odd person out there who writes down some of the thoughts that go through my mind. Thank you.

To all of you who have thought of leaving this world…please stay. You are loved and necessary and worthy and enough. Even if not one single person has ever said that to you or treated you that way, it is true. My father committed suicide when I was 6. He took so much of my mom with him that I may as well have lost her too. He missed so much–I have two great kids he will never know, and as young as I was, I barely knew him. Nothing is impossible, things change–sometimes very very slowly, but they do-nothing stays the same. Don’t choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Reach out, get help–find a pastor, counselor, therapist. If they say take the meds, TAKE THE MEDS. If you are embarrassed, don’t tell people. And if people are judgey, then they are not the real folks you need around you. Please please hear and know each of us is worth being alive. Each of us is worth the space we take up. I am a Christian, so my faith helps me a lot, but even if you are not a believer in God or some other higher power, there is more good than bad in the world and it ay take a long time to figure out what your GOOD is, but it’s there. You are loved and worthwhile.

Thank you for using your voice to share love. Love is forever tries. I shared this on FB when you posted it. This morning I got a message from a friend who often disgagrees with many things I post. I expected a personal shame session. But I was blindsided by goodness and love yet again. My friend said she’s so grateful I shared this. It came at just the right time. She has a dear friend who is currently feeling all the dark and scary feelings and thoughts of suicide. She shared your message of hope with her. And I learned again that love is forever tries. That judging doesn’t help. But speaking our truth even when our voices shake is important. So thank you Glennon.

I was sixteen when I first ‘located the exit.’ At the time, I didn’t have words big enough or right enough to describe what was happening inside my head. It was when I was in college, struggling through another episode of depression, that I hit upon the word ‘despair’ and knew that I had identified my enemy. It was like someone had turned a light on inside a dark room. Naming the monster weakened its power over me. Now when despair rages, I politely show it the door. Sometimes it takes a herculean effort, but at least I know what it is that troubles me and that gives me the strength to be proactive about advocating for myself. To think of myself as a survivor instead of a victim.

Thank you for your beautiful words. It’s been ten years since those first dark thoughts, but your message of empowerment still rings true.

Glennon….I read this this morning after I had finished carving up my arm with a paper clip, thinking that I had no guts because I wasn’t brave enough to use a razor. I don’t want to die. I just want someone to understand and hold me and love me even though I am all messed up inside. I don’t feel worthy of the space I take up in this world. I don’t feel like I have anything to say. So what do I do now?

Kristina!! You’ve just been so insanely brave!! Oh. My. Word. I am so proud of you!! You are such a warrior!!! Kristina, listen… you matter so much! You belong here where we can love you. We do love you. Right now. Without any changes needed first. You are loved and needed and wanted right here. Now. With us! Dont give up sister! We’re here! We see you and we love you!!!

Thank you. I have read your comment several times. It helps me push the dark thoughts away. So, wherever you live, know that you are helping a single.Glennon 35 year old in Iowa get through one more day, one more night, one more moment.

Kristina!
You are loved, wanted, and needed in this world, sweet girl. Please do not give up. Keep walking… Keep naming the enemy of despair and keep showing it the door. I can relate to your feelings so much…since about the age of 15. I’m 48 now and despair visits me on a regular basis. It’s a true battle. Please keep fighting. I’m rooting for you!

Amazing comments from someone’s true life stories! So very inspired by the Savior’s love for all of us. Your personal sharing reaches out to lift & bless the rest of us with feeble knees, & hands that hang down! Thank you for giving the rest of us the courage to see it is NEVER too late, & that we are all of infinite worth!

Kristina, you are so brave for even saying all of those truths here in the comments. Life is forever tries, girl, and you are already saying your truth and reaching out for help. Try calling the hotline at the end of this post or texting “start” to 741-741 to talk to someone who can help you plan how to stay healthy and safe from here. It gets better. You are stronger than you know.

I had therapy this morning and we were able to talk abou a lot of how I was feeling. She is amazing….actually introduced me to Glennon blog, TED talk, etc. I told my therapist that I wasn’t going to hurt myself anymore. She offered me a crisis number but I know I won’t call it. If my depressive episode gets as bad as it was last night, though, I will make an appointment with my regular doctor and go from there. Your support really means a lot to me.

Glennon, thank you for your brutal honesty and willingness to share what so many of us hide. I have struggled with depression for years and during an especially low time I almost tried to kill myself. But I swear to you, God told me to just go to bed. So I did. And the next day I woke up. Alive. And I prayed I would never again be in that place. I still feel like living with depression is an uphill battle, and you are so right about never forgetting where the exit door is, but I have learned to NOT let depression be the boss of me. It isn’t me; it just makes being me more of a challenge. So every day I get up and warrior on. Now I can do that thinking of you and all of the other amazing children of God out there being warriors too. Thank you so much for reminding me that my being here matters. We ALL matter.

Hi Glennon. I read your words often. I’ve never commented before, but I can’t help it today. I have a dear, dear friend that is struggling and is in sub-basement 2 of rock bottom (which just keeps going lower for her). This post could not have been more timely. Your ability to reveal the raw-ness is rare and brutiful, and has captured my prayer perfectly. Thank you for this encouragement, and for calling out the lies for what they are.

That is all I wanted to say to…please omit the phrase “commit suicide”..more like wanted to die by suicide or if the person died, then they died by suicide….seems so simple a change, but has a hug impact on all 🙂 I too, am a survivor!

“Once the exit door registers for you- it never fully unregisters. You always remember where the doors are. Just in case the shame gets too heavy.”

This has been so true for me. I found those doors a couple years ago. I spent a long time gazing at them, walking up to them, holding the handle with both hands. I charted my escape rout and actually called the plan “my back door”. I even opened one a crack, once. Fortunately, my parents saw me pushing and pulled me back – brought me to a hospital where all the doors were locked. (I like hospitals. Hospitals are safe places.)

I am in recovery, now. I may be “in recovery” for the rest of my life. I hope I am, actually. I have learned and grown so much as a recovering depressive/borderline/anxious superfeeler.

I still know where those doors are. I still glance at them most days. I still think about what it would be like to walk through. Like you said, it is impossible to unregister the awareness of their existence. But now, as a recovering everything, I’m learning to register the beauty of the story – the music, the characters, the quirks – in this place, as well.

I’m glad I found those doors. If I hadn’t, I might never have needed to find beauty. There’s so much beauty.

Thank you for this. What especially got me was “the find new people”. What makes me so upset is that I love my “old people”. I am referring to my family, in this case. My sister was diagnosed with cancer and is now, (PRAISE GOD) in remission. She has received a clean bill of health. (PRAISE GOD AGAIN!!) I prayed for her incessantly during the whole ordeal, and still do. Everyday. She is strong and brave. She has a wonderful husband and children and church family and so many friends that supported her through it all. We live in different cities, and when I first found out, I just wanted to run there and be with her. But there are jobs you can’t leave, responsibilities that you have to “stay around for” so I just prayed for her, sent her little notes, little special gifts and got my whole women’s prayer group constantly praying for her. I knew this was what I was supposed to be doing, but somehow just felt so distant from her whole world. I selfishly was upset by this, but realized that she was dealing with something big in her own way and I didn’t need to share my selfish feelings of “I miss you, I wish I could be with you” and “why don’t you ever call?” I wondered, “why doesn’t she need me?” Now, she is trying to pack so much into her world, with her family, friends and aquaintences. And, why shouldn’t she? She is doing the absolute right thing! But I just feel left out of her world somehow and wish I could let her know how I feel. Yes, she is blessing the world. I wish I could let her know how much being her sister so long ago has meant to me all these years, but then I just start sounding all mushy and ridiculous. So, I just keep my little journal and pray to God to just let these feelings pass. Truth is, I wish I could make more memories with her, but I guess she has moved on and found her “new people”. Praise God for that. But in some small way I wish that I still was “one of her people”. Seems the only times we get together, is when I make the effort. One of my friends told me that maybe it was just too painful for her to be with you during that time, because you were so close. I think she was just doing the best she could to survive. Anyway, just wanted to post, just in case someone else may go through this. I know she still loves me, but people are so different in the way they handle things. Don’t beat yourself up. Be available. If you want to be with someone, try your best to be with them. Love is never easy. The risk is that your heart will be broken sometimes. But keep on going. After all, that’s why we’re all here. And don’t ever forget to pray…the Lord will get you through ANYTHING.

KatyLee – I am sorry your sister has cancer, and has found new people. But for your sake, perhaps you can send her a letter and tell her how happy you are that she is in remission, and how you hope you can meet up and make new memories together with this new future she has been given! Share the love, give it away to her – she may not reciprocate but it sounds as if you’d benefit from putting it out there, mushiness be darned. 😉 Sometimes, what’s “old” is NEW again!

KatyLee, I’ll be your family. Last year I had to make one of the hardest choices and cut off the people who raised me. Tonight for some reason, the pain surged into my heart, and it hurt so much I wanted to die…..from shame, from what if s, from why couldn’t they love me and why did they throw me away. I don’t know I’ll ever be over it. I’m fairly certain I’ll battle the depression/suicide demon my whole life. Doesn’t help I’m disabled to boot.

But…..you WILL find your family. I’ve found those who live me for who I am. It helps.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope you’ll stay, lots of family to be found here!!! Xoxox

Thank you Krista, for your words. I am blessed with some great friends, a loving church family and a great women’s bible study that I love. These girls have listened to me through it all and their prayers have gotten me through. Also, my hope in our Lord Jesus. That is where I get my strength. I am keeping you in my prayers. You sound like a wonderful caring person and remember, God doesn’t make any junk 🙂 I know my sis loves me, and it will just take some time. She is very busy now, since her children have just begun to leave the nest and I know she wants to pack as much time in with them as she can…It is sometimes so hard to not make it “all about me” and this is a great group to share your feelings with. God bless you and keep remembering how blessed you are and that God has a wonderful purpose for your life! You certainly blessed mine! <3

Oh G-thank you. It feels really hard to tell despair to eff off. But, it also feels deeply reassuring to know my experience is not unique. I am not alone. I feel hopeful, if I can stay with the pain, then the rising. And to know love is the sun that holds me even when I may not feel it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I will have to read this later at home and have a sob fest. I do have one thing to point out which I know you already know and don’t mean but I also know how shame feeds on every thing it can get its hands on. “This I demand of you: No matter how much you have screwed up…” I think there are obviously times when we screw up but what I always wish people would understand is that there are some things in life that are nobody’s fault. Shit happens. Mental illness happens even when you are doing your best to take care of it. There doesn’t have to be a sin reason behind every thing (and again, I know you don’t believe this!)

The times when you need to find new people is when you realize you are surrounded by people who must blame every thing on someone…most likely you. Stated directly or subtly in their worldview or theology, it really doesn’t matter. It’s just as damaging. Find new people! Yes, yes and yes!

Stay through this: “Effing shame. It’s never the pain that takes us out of the game, loves, it’s the SHAME about the pain.”

Fight for this: “You are being as brave and as good as you can. Pat your head for me right this very minute and then get yourself a cookie or four. Watch some television. Put on some warm socks. There you go- sweet, strong girl. We can do hard things. Like survive.”

Oh loves, so that we can finally rest in THIS: “I am a child of God. Worthy of the space I take up on this Earth.”

….Thank you for words that meet each of us, G, wherever we might be on that brutal, beautiful trajectory. <3

I needed this so much today. Not for the reasons that you intended, necessarily – but I needed it. Your words are a gift to those of us who dangle through – who appear to have it together on the outside when on the inside we are screaming for approval. Today I will scream for my OWN approval…as scary and lonely as that is…thanks.

Wait it out is truly the best advice I’ve ever received. “Fight it” and “Become something better” and “Work hard to get past it” and even “You can do it” are so counterproductive. You’re busy beating yourself up for not doing enough or being enough… Why add to the list of things that will make you feel like a failure?? And depression saps your energy… Meaning adding to a To Do list just makes you feel MORE defeated when you don’t accomplish it.

But Wait It Out. That’s doable. That’s achievable. And once you have, you feel successful. It’s a win.

Thank you for speaking out. I “met” you through a video at a MOPS meeting. I was not wholey there and thinking I shouldn’t be there because I don’t fit in and I am a misfit mom, wife and woman in this world. I didn’t know I was fighting the monster, I just know that I have been deeply hurt by those that have left this world alone and I cannot do that to my children. I need to hear your message of hope, of trying, or re-doing, of messing up and getting up and doing it again…. I need to hear what you have to say to this world. You do deserve to take up space and tell your story. Thank you.

Thank you for this. As someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts and ideation for a large portion of my life (I’m only 19), I justed wanted to let you know how much this means to me. I still struggle every day, but it means a lot to hear this from you- someone who has made it to the other side. I hope someday I can be like you. Thank you.

I have read a lot of things in my life…like a ridiculous amount. And that is the most beautiful thing I have ever read. I am weeping. You have no idea how much I needed to hear just these words today. “Pain comes and goes like clouds.” Indeed. Thank you for spending some sunshine through my clouds!

G, I volunteer for a crisis text line (for people who have phone anxiety or other reasons to not talk but need someone to remind them that they get forever tries via text) and I just shared this with all of our fantastic crisis counselors. In my work with people in crisis over the last year, I’ve realized how many people need to hear these exact words- old people and young people, rich and poor, gay and straight and everything in between, girls and guys, everyone. Everyone needs this reminder, or will at some point. And the way you don’t commit suicide really is by not committing suicide. We work to distract people, to make a plan to keep them safe for the next minute or hour or day until the clouds lift a little and they can move forward.

All that to say, thanks for saying this loud for people who are stuck thinking they’re the only ones. Warrior on, sister.

I had never heard of a text crisis line before your comment. There is something very special about being a part of something that does whatever it takes to reach out to people. Can’t meet in person? Let’s talk on the phone. Can’t talk on the phone? Let’s text! Can’t text? We’ll send smoke signals letting you know it will be ok in the end!

Thank you Glennon! God brings people into your life right when you need them. I know that was the case that night in Minnesota. I wish that these words would have gotten to my sister before she decided that she was no longer worthy of living. The last conversation I had with her I told her that God doesn’t have a yes and no column. All you have to do is ask for forgiveness and he will forgive you.

Thank you for working for the Crisis Line. I wonder if you ever talked to my sister. I know she used the service. Unfortunately, she could not keep trying. She ended her life on April 29. I am now volunteering with Canvas Health. I have been connected with their events coordinator. This is how I learned about and got to meet Glennon. I did not know about her until that night. Her message has been a God send. I look forward to doing more with Canvas Health.

G. I am guy and my wife is truly inspired and thinks the world of you. She shares your thoughts like this on social media and I jump to read them because YOU inspire me too. You say what it is that I am thinking right to the bone. Thank you for being that written voice that I need to read all the time.

You are NOT unforgivable. You may feel lost but you are NOT alone. Thousands of people are probably feeling the same thing right now. Spend time on this site, spend time reading through comments and Glennon’s replies. I promise you won’t feel so alone. This is a community built to help and guide and nurture–use it to find your way again.