Gordon Brown: 'Re-elect me and I will hang all paedophiles, restore grammar schools and create permanent world peace.'

They say his party is about as likely to win the next election as Polly Toynbee is to headline a 40-date sell out stand-up comedy season at the O2 Arena or Michael Moore to enter a burger joint and say: "I'll stick to the salad today, thanks."

But as Labour begins what many are saying is the last party conference before it is wiped off the face of the earth, I can today exclusively reveal Prime Minister Gordon Brown's ten point masterplan to revive his political fortunes.

1. All Britain's paedophiles to be rounded up and hanged at special community events across the nation. Lever to be pulled by much-loved, longstanding local lollipop lady – or similar. Government to provide free packets of Hula Hoops and two family size bottles of Tango for each, street-party style event.

2. Drivers whom you generously allow to pull out in front of you when it's your right of way – but who then don't say "Thanks" with a friendly wave of their hand, to be recorded on a raft of new "Motorist Courtesy Enforcement" cameras, and sentenced to death by stoning.

3. A new National Dog/Cat/Golf/Koran/Goat Curry And Ackee Fruit Enjoyment Day in which Dog-, Cat-, Koran-,Golf- and Goat-Curry-And-Ackee-Fruit Lovers will be given a day off work to enjoy their hobby.

4. National Blame A Banker Day. Bankers to be paraded in shackles, like downed B52 pilots in Hanoi, before classes of inner city primary school children who can – under teachers' guidance – heckle them and blame them for the collapse of the global economy.

5. All decent, hard-working members of the Middle Classes to have their salaries trebled, starting the week before the General Election. This scheme will be funded by taxing all Fat Cats earning over £300,000 a year at 500 per cent of their income.

6. National Paedophile Disinterment Day. All paedophiles hanged in 1. to be disinterred from their unmarked paupers' graves and trampled on by members of the community. Children to be given the day off school. Free Tango and Hula Hoops and Party Rings.

7. Stiffer new penalties ranging from exile to hanging, drawing and quartering for anyone found guilty of allowing their chewing gum or dog poo to get stuck on someone else's shoe. Or of being found in possession of an unacceptably large bonus.

8. Government finances to be restored by the creation of a new "Company for carrying out an undertaking of great advantage, but nobody to know what it is." Lord Mandelson will be its chairman; it will be run by the Dragon's Den team. Will very likely put British economy back in the black by 2011, unless of course Conservatives get in and it will NEVER happen and no one will EVER know what the "undertaking of great advantage" will be which would be an awful pity because it's brilliant and when you hear of it you'll kick yourselves.

9. Swingeing, far-reaching and totally irrevocable curbs on banker bonuses. Plus a live, fat-tail scorpion to be posted through the letter box of every City worker to remind them how evil they are.

10. Rigour to be restored to the curriculum; grammar schools to be brought back; the West Lothian question to be answered to everyone's satisfaction; illegal immigration to be stamped on; local post offices to be re-opened; all railway lines to be restored to pre-Beeching-Report status; AA operatives to salute motorists; global warming to be halved by 2020; colony of cheery puffins to be established outside Tate Modern by 2014; letter to be given to every household asking what they most want, with Labour government to deliver their needs by 2016. All this to be supervised by newly promoted Minister Of Unconfined Joy, Ed Balls.

The Prime Minister denied that these were the idle, cynical, desperate, ideologically bankrupt promises of a man who at this stage of the game would say anything, up to and including promising the creation of permanent world peace to get himself re-elected.