Patron: Why didn't the change machine give me my change?Me: um...we don't have a change machine.Patron: *angrily* Then what's that over there.Me: It's called a photocopier. If you want change, you need to make a copy.

I've had "Do you work here?" (while sitting at the reference desk, wearing a library nametag) several times, and also the question about whether we were all volunteers (I love my job, but would I be there 40 hours per week if I were volunteering? Hell no).

"Can I ask you a question?" also strikes me as pretty stupid, and I get asked it several times per day. Let's see. I'm sitting withing a foot or two of signs that say "reference desk," "information," "help desk," and (I'm not kidding), "Ask me a question!" But no, you can't ask me a question.

But my favorite are all the "Do you know?" questions. Not like, "Do you know where I can find a book about the Russian Revolution?" No, that makes sense. What I mean is, "Do you know where the restrooms are?" "Do you know if there is a copy machine?" "Do you know if the library has any DVDs I can check out?" Those kinds of questions really make me want to laugh and say things like, "I've worked here for a while now, but no, I have no idea where the restrooms are." Sometimes sarcasm and the reference desk are not a good match.

Also, not too long ago, I had a girl ask me for books about "the Dominican Republic of Congo." But she was only 10 or so, so I guess it's not all that stupid. It was highly memorable, though.

Maybe, but only if you tell me the secret password. And bring me cookies.

Another that stands out, after someone has waited until a few days before an assignment is due (usually there are at least a few weeks/months to research) and the book they need is already checked out: "well, can't you call them and tell them to bring it back?"

A girl in high school asked a coworker of mine for a biography on Rocky Balboa. No, not Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa- you know, the boxing guy

She would not believe that those were just movies and that he was not a real person.

A runner up was a complaint I had to field about how our staff couldn't help a patron upload a picture to Facebook the way he wanted. I was a complete condescending asshole when I explained that the staff could in no way be trained on how each and every site on the internet works. (I had navigated to the place on FB where he could learn to do it himself, but no, he was upset that WE didn't know how to do it for him).

Patron:Who is the Dewey C. Elmore Library named after?Me: Dewey C. Elmore.P: Are you sure?M: Yes, do you want an information sheet about him?(patron wanders to a group of fellow COLLEGE students to continue working on what appears to be a library scavenger hunt)

Another Patron: How do I get a Phd at Elmore U?Me: Well, the application process and requirements are different for each program. You should check their websites. What program are you thinking of joining?AP: Oh, no specific program-I've got the MLS already, so now I just want a general PhD...

We're located next to a courthouse and the buildings are a similar style - old fashioned white pillars out front, etc.- so we have a lot of people come in, pass the circulation desk, past all the shelves marked "NEW BOOKS" and up to the Information Desk to ask us "is this the courthouse?" I always feel bad for them, but it makes me laugh too, because what are they thinking?!

Male Patron: I need a passenger list on the other boat that landed with the Mayflower in 1620.

Young Female Librarian (who also has degrees in history): Well, the Speedwell was the name of the ship that set sail with the Mayflower in 1620, but the Speedwell leaked and couldn't make the trip. It returned to England. I can get you a passenger list of the Mayflower.

MP: No! The SPEEDWELL LANDED! I know it!

YFL: Well, I know the pilgrims made other, later trips with the Mayflower and other boats - we can look for those passenger lists.

MP: (Pushes librarian into the bookshelves, knocking off several volumes, and starts screaming) NO! NO! YOUR HISTORY IS WRONG! I NEED THE LIST FROM THE SECRET BOAT! YOU ARE HIDING IT FROM ME!

1. "Is that all the books you have?" pointing to the reference room in a 4 story library.

2. Reference call: "Does spaghetti grow on tree?" I figure it was a prank call until it turned out that the woman's boss at shown her a video on the internet and convinced her that spaghetti does, in fact, grow on trees.

Back when I was a circ clerk, I worked at a library that had two bookdrops in the circ desk--one was labeled "books" and the other was labeled "A/V," which I would have thought was perfectly clear. But I could not believe the number of times people would hold up a DVD and ask "Which drop do I put this in?" I always wanted to say, "Well, is it a book?" Also, sometimes people would totally flip out when they realized they had put their DVD in the book return, or vice versa.

And then we had a patron who refused to return her books in the bookdrop--because she had been taught to respect books, and so she couldn't just drop it into a bin like that. I told her the bin was quite well padded and that the books survived it just fine if they weren't damaged anyway, but she still insisted on handing them to a staff member like they were precious cargo. I'm glad she couldn't see into the work room--she would have been horrified by how we routinely handled the books.

I work reference at the Education branch library on campus. I helped a very confused undergraduate and after I handed her the title she was looking for, she gave me a blank stare complete with this gem:

Once a student told me "I'm doing a project on someone called--" (here she checked her teacher's handout) "Alberta Tar Sands." Which you must admit is an awesome name.

Also once I was asked for a newspaper from about a month ago. I asked what date, and he said it didn't matter. It was for a current affairs project. When I suggested today's paper, I was told no thanks, there wasn't enough going on in the world lately.

i used to work in a bookstore. one day a customer asked me where the humor section was. as i was walking her back there, i asked if there was a specific book that she was looking for. she said, "yes, the divine comedy".

Student (said while chewing gum and talking on a cell phone about a shopping trip and some cute shoes and a new boyfriend ...): I need some information about Shakespeare.

Librarian: Okay. What sort of information are you looking for? Do you need info about him, or his works?

Student: Huh?

Librarian: Well, there are lots of books and articles about Shakespeare and his life, and there are lots about his plays and poetry as well.

Student: Huh? I dunno. Just something.

Librarian: Okay. Well, maybe if you tell me what class this is for I can help. Is it for English? Or history? (Knowing there are papers about authors in some freshman history classes this year as well)

Student: I dunno.

Student has no idea what the class was, who the prof was, what discipline, what type of info, etc. Has never heard of Shakespeare. Sadly, I'm not kidding. Next she asked me if I couldn't just give her one website that would tell her everything she needed to know so she could copy it and get her professor off her back . At that point I admitted defeat, and told her that a) she'd be in big trouble if she just copied a website, and she could also expect to fail the assignment, and b) she needed to talk to her professor to get a better idea about a topic. There's only so long a librarian can suffer ...

A patron was attempting to scan a book by holding it right up against the scanner (it works only when you hold it a little further away). I told the patron, "a little further away". And as God is my witness the lady took a step back holding the book in exactly the same position.

College Librarian:I kid you not, this has been asked over and over agian.

Patron on phone: I'm at the back of the library, how do I get to the front?

Explination -- There is only one enterence to the library and it is facing the academic buildings. The cafateria however, is behind the library. Students were leaving the cafateria and walking up to the building and see the emergency exit doors with a sign: Emergency Exit only, Use Front Enterence.