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About Me

Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog.
My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades!
I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can.
So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Chemical Miscarriage

One of the valuable things about conducting research, is learning about what is happening to my body, especially as we are trying to conceive. I like to know what is happening - even if symptoms stop or improve, I still want to know what was happening.

For me, being so late when I'm normally as regular as clockwork, made me wonder if something had happened this month or not. I wondered if maybe the egg had been successfully fertilised this time by one of Hubby's little swimmers, but something went wrong during the implantation phase.

I'm not a doctor, so the only way I could try to understand what was happening, was to Google-search! I wanted to know if there is such a thing as an egg being fertilised, but not implanting in the uterus. And I wanted to know if others had experienced it too.

What I discovered surprised me. I guess because I have never heard of it before, and it is not something I have heard discussed, when friends have shared stories of trying to conceive. But what I could have probably experienced was a "chemical miscarriage".

A chemical miscarriage is exactly what I thought may have happened to me. An egg had been fertilised, but for whatever reason, known only to God Himself, the fertilised egg failed to implant into the wall of my uterus. It's not uncommon - it happens to around 70% of pregnancies. Only, like me, many woman wouldn't have known what was happening, because the pregnancy is "terminated" by the body around the time of our normal period.

It's not a new phenomenon, but back in the day - before the highly sensitive home pregnancy tests were available - no one really knew anything about it, as women couldn't do a test before her due date to find a positive result, only to bleed a few days later... so it would have been classed as just a late period. And as a result, not much is known about the causes of a chemical pregnancy.

Some women - who are a lot more militant than I am in their conception attempts - actually test positive early, only to feel the full horror of the chemical pregnancy a few days later, when they come on. I'm so glad, from that perspective, that when I did do a test a few days ago it was negative. I can't imagine how I would be feeling right now had I done it a couple of days earlier and seen a positive result, only to have my period start when it did. To have the joy of conceiving and falling pregnant ripped out of my heart. I don't think I could have handled that - although many women do. Handle it I mean. And they handle it well. The cruelty of the moment I mean.

A miscarriage at any stage is horrible. It fills me with dread if I allow myself to contemplate it. I've never experienced being pregnant, so I've never experienced a miscarriage. But I know my mum did. I know my brother's wife did. I know a couple of friends who have. But their experiences are completely different to mine, they were well on the pregnancy journey. They were totally heart-broken at their loss. I'm still trying, I never knew if I was pregnant.

So not only did the arrival of Auntie Flo this month demonstrate the passing of another opportunity, the fact it was so late potentially could indicate the loss of an attempt by my body to conceive which failed.

But as I said, I'm not a doctor, so I don't know for definite. But the signs are there - without going into the gory details, it's not just about being so late. With Hubby away at the moment, I think I'm glad I can deal with this on my own. It's another step of my personal journey; I wouldn't really know how to share it with him. Because I'm not really sure how I should be feeling about it. I am sad at another failed month. But I can't really grieve what I'm not sure about. And I can't really grieve what didn't happen. I can though, as I do every month, grieve the passing of another month, and look to the next cycle for another try, praying that when the time is right - God will strengthen the new life which will be developing in me..

If you have, or suspect you have had a chemical miscarriage, or a lot of them, it may be worth finding out more about it with your GP. I'm not at that place yet where I want to talk to someone about it in detail, but you may well be in a different place to where I am at. Don't lose heart and don't give up!

The Journey

In August 2011, a year after my ex and I were married, we decided we were ready to try for a family. But in 2015, the journey was suddenly ended, and in 2016 we divorced.

Some of you reading this may think, "why keep such a personal blog online?" As I am a writer, I found it easier to write how I felt, and over the years was encouraged to know God used my struggle to offer support to others who read my posts.

For a subject which is often still taboo among Christians, because of the huge challenge to our faith, and our idea of who God is, I have decided to keep this blog online, knowing that my fears, my thoughts, my frustrations still remain today, even though I find myself single again.

The purpose of this blog originally was as an outlet to formulate into words my inner thoughts. It has since become a tool God uses for people like you walking through the loneliness of infertility.

May you find hope and encouragement, even if it's just in knowing you're not alone.