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Friday, 19 October 2012

Depression Awareness - Numb

Hi Goddesses

Today I have another green gradient for you, but one which tells a totally different story.

For me, depression is a lot about feeling numb, remote and untouchable. Sylvia Plath famously likened it to a Bell Jar - where you are trapped in a cocoon of glass; you can see the world and what's going on, you just can't REACH it.

This is one of the things I find most frightening about depression. I am by nature a noisy, messy person. I am passionate, excitable and have a tendency to push things too far. To have that all snapped off in a heartbeat, to be incapable of ANY emotion is a very scary place for me.

I liken those moments to my "thousand yard stare". It's as if something recalibrates within me, and to protect me, only allows me to view and feel at a distance. I feel like a bomb could literally explode in front of me and I wouldn't flinch; it's THAT unfeeling.

It's a zone where life is drained of colour and where you tend to block out sound and vision, existing in a trance where nothing quite touches you. It's a place where you can make the sound of a laugh without feeling it, where you can hold a conversation without participating in it, and where you can conduct a life without truly living it.

In some ways, I think it might be the opposite of the oblivion drunks and drug addicts seek. It's certainly numb. It certainly resembles watching yourself from the ceiling. And very often, it involves you lying there, still, in a world only a duvet and a pillow can truly understand.

So, onto the mani. This was another 3 colour gradient, and it's so subtle, you almost can't quite see it! This has OPI Stranger Tides as base, Zoya Farah in the middle, and KIKO 329 at the tips (a beautifully soft grey).

I deliberately wanted colours that had been bled away, leached into almost non-existence. This state often reminds me of Stephen King's short story The Langoliers, where the characters are living in the world AFTER it's happened, rather than actively partaking in it.

I have 2 more posts coming up for you next, less about the doom and gloom, and this time with a bit more colour! I hope this series is finding an audience, and that if depression affects YOU, it's helping you realise one thing - you are not alone xxx