Everything we have around us in our homes and workplaces reminds us of something in our past. Everything holds a memory, an energy and a vibration, and when we see it, whether we are conscious of it or not, it triggers us. Imagine turning over a page to unexpectedly see a photograph of yourself as a child. All of a sudden you are back there… You feel the textures, hear the sounds and see the place where you were with a part of you that never forgets – anything. We are tied to the past because every second of it has been the structure of our life experience, and whatever we do, we cannot be free of it. But we can limit it’s hold over us.

Unless we are constantly changing the entire contents of our homes, they are rammed full of the past. As I sit here I know the table before me was a gift from a friend 30 years ago, given when I found myself alone with no money to buy furniture. As I think of it, my mind sets off on a journey of everything else that was happening back then, and I feel a twinge of guilt and anxiety. This isn’t NOW in any sense! This is something that happened decades ago, but still my body is triggered by the sight of this table and the story it tells. To anyone else, it is just a table…

Right now this has been a conscious thought that I can square with, but the weird thing is, this table will sub-consciously trigger me every time I see it. A tiny tremor of guilt and anxiety will travel through my body as I dust it off or sit beside it. These are not good feelings to reinforce. They remind me that I am not good enough, that I cannot support myself well enough, and that I am stuck.

I have now brought consciousness to this, and that changes it straight away. I should now be so conscious of my process, that before the table and it’s memories can trigger me, I will be aware. This table can no longer have so much power over me…

The more conscious and present we can be, the easier our lives become. When we are aware in the moment, we notice our reactions and can let them go, constantly releasing the past. We can move beyond the reactive human and into conscious awareness. This is evolution in action.

If I want to tell you how I feel, I only have my words to explain… And words can be too easily misunderstood. I cannot show you how I am with tears and laughter, because we are not together – you cannot see me, I am not here. I can only try to share by way of strange little marks upon a page, that is not even a page. Marks that you interpret as you do in the way you do, but maybe not as I intended when I made them.

How shall I be, in this moment of all time?

Gone are the feelings of my yesterday, gone forever into nothingness. They were never real, never true. But nonetheless, here they are again. It is only my relentless, recurring thoughts that bring these feelings back for me to feel again today – but they cannot be the same as yesterday because time has changed them. The change is subtle, but it is there. They are not the same because now is not then.

I think about this and that, again and again. I think about how it has been and how it should have been, and every time I think it I reinforce the memory, so that when I come to think of it again tomorrow I will not forget. I think it is the same, but it is not the same.

How stupid that is! Why am I continuing to try to think the same thoughts day after day, when the Universe is so full and vibrant and diverse? Why do I work so hard to keep myself as close to yesterday as I can? I cannot move into something new, while I anchor myself to a past that doesn’t exist except in the grinding thoughts of my mind. What am I afraid of?

Suppose tomorrow I refuse to think about my problems, my family’s problems and the problems of the world? What on Earth would my mind do with itself! It would go crazy without a worry! It isn’t used to thinking differently – it only knows bad news and endless lists of things to be done. I don’t think it can do it – it only knows one way.

Suppose I watch it, like watching a little child at play. Every so often I can remind it, gently help it out of the ruts it falls into with such ease, and murmur encouragement. ‘That’s an original thought! Well done!’ I will ask it questions and make it think. I will make it notice it’s feelings and celebrate the changes as they come. Today is not yesterday all over again… unless I make it so.

I will keep it busy with writing words, on a page that isn’t even a page…

It is pure magic to see what happens when two of the things we simply cannot live without, join forces. #Light and #Water together create the colours and crystal energy of Life itself, and I for one can watch cheerful streams tumbling over rocks bathed in sunlight, all day long… How lucky we are to see such things! To have the technology to freeze frame a moment in time which has never before been seen; which has never before come together in such a way – and never will again… But here it is, in all its vibrancy. Perfect and mind blowing. What can you see in the shapes and forms? Like gazing into a crystal ball, all life is there for the seeing, if we just open our minds to the possibility of knowing what we already know.

Dr #Masaru #Emoto has scientifically proven that consciousness affects the molecular structure of water. What you are thinking and intending changes the energy and the shape of the crystals that form at freezing point. His research is widely available to explore, and for me, seeing what happens when positive thoughts are directed to water, and alternatively what happens with negative thoughts, has been the ‘Aha!’ moment that I, and so many others, have been seeking in this world today.

What are we? For a start we are composed of at least 60% water – babies far more than that. Taking Dr Emoto’s research into account, imagine how the water in our bodies is changed by our thinking… Toxic thoughts make us toxic beings – negative, destructive and of little use to the wellbeing of ourselves and the Earth. Positive thoughts, directed with good intent and energy, changes everything for the better. Never under-estimate the power of blessing your food and water – and indeed yourself and others. Just a second or two imagining how truly wonderful things are, enhances the molecular structure of all. Everything becomes brighter, more vibrant and energetic. Everything becomes… more than what it once was.

Water is FULL of Life energy. It is our emotions. Our language is full of references to water… It is our way of telling it how it is. Floods of tears, drowning in sorrow, awash with confusion. We are floating and full to the brim as the stories of our lives come gushing out.

Our waking consciousness can change our environment. With awareness of our thoughts, our circumstances will change too. Light and Water can show us our way – all we have to do is stay awake long enough to see the transformation materialise.

Years ago, I came to the uncomfortable realisation that I had become numb. Somewhere along the line I had turned off the tap that had brought to me my feelings, emotions, intuitions and appropriate human reactions. Somewhere, in amongst the dramas and traumas of a crazy life, I had decided I would be better off not to feel… anything. I could still stub my toe and complain about it however, and much later I could give birth and be aware of excruciating physical pain ravaging my body, but to most things – good or bad – it would be as if I disappeared, to a place deep inside where nothing could touch me.

Why does a person shut off feeling? In my case I believe it came as a small child when I was told that life was hard and unpleasant, and consisted of difficulties and penalties and punishment. ‘Real’ life was all about hard work, success or failure. It was about marks on pieces of paper and regular reports from your betters, highlighting what was wrong and never what was right. Real life was a mountain of must dos and must do nots… Freedom, peace and hugging trees were just a joke! Never permitted, never valued, never even talked about except in terms of wackos, weirdos and drop outs… Peace and Love were for drug addicts and wastrels – bad people who sponged off those who worked hard their whole lives. Good people like us work I was told, and work some more. I believed the propaganda, all its lies and limitations, and part of me began to close down because I never wanted to feel the intensity of the sadness of it.

I was led to believe the connection I felt with Nature and Trees as a child was not ‘real’. It was a fantasy that those who believed they were helping me, tried to squash. They succeeded oh so easily, because a small child always wants to be loved, and if you do as you’re told and think as you’re told, you’re more likely to receive a kindly word. Go against them and something is ‘wrong’ with you. Even if you are never deliberately disobedient, only gently going about your business, if you have not bought into their world you must have chosen opposition, and therefore become the enemy in some form. Little children do not want to have enemies. They just want to have love.

As you grow up you become so used to numbness you no longer remember how it felt before. You wonder in your quiet moments why you have to drink so much alcohol before life holds any joy at all. You know you will be judged in the morning, told off, condemned and looked upon with disgust, but it’s still worth it just to feel something for a while. One too many and it’s over the top back into numbness again – but hey, that’s familiar territory.

When awareness comes, as it does in the end, all kinds of interesting things begin to happen. It is as if every unasked question starts screaming for answers, and it hurts. Every lie becomes blatant and raw. Every attempt at smothering the honesty of Life becomes a crime. With awareness the Truth rushes in from all directions, and for years it literally took my breath away. How could I have been so dumb? How could I have believed such twisted pain and taken it as my own? Why did those who professed to care, persist in trying to poison me?

Now I am in the middle of the great unfolding. I allow things to come and go. I am releasing the blame, and releasing the pain, and am continuing to feel more and more. Now my love for the Natural World has free expression – I feel safe in the wild places. I am connecting again. Feeling means full expression of Self. It is the only true way to live. Without our emotions and intuitions we are shadows, half-alive… It is the uniqueness of the human experience and the ability to express it fully that makes a Life.

Synchronistically, on this very day, I have attended the first session of a course for supporting Carers. What is the connection between rocks and carers you might ask? Well, a carer has to be a human rock of course. They have to remain stalwart in a crisis, and just like a rock, stay anchored emotionally and physically to the environment in which they find themselves. After all, you can’t have a nervous breakdown when the person you are caring for is also having a nervous breakdown. You can’t go running off whenever you feel like it if the person you are caring for cannot cope with your absence for even 5 minutes.

I am a Carer, so am I a rock? As always, the answer is down to interpretation, and I am sure some of those nearest and dearest to me would say that on a good day I can be, while equally others would say “Are you kidding me?”

If a rock means someone you can rely on, who holds the fort, stays the same no matter what, never gets flustered or spun off, literally acts like rock in a stormy sea and survives whatever Mother Nature can throw at her, then surely that person must be superhuman or dead. I am neither of these things… yet. I am just a person, and as such likely to get caught out from time to time by some outrageous slings and arrows raining down from on high.

It seems to me, to be even a half effective rock, the key is to be mindful and aware of your place in space. Try not to go wandering off in a mind-soup of thoughts of ‘if only’ and ‘it’s not fair’ and ‘why did this happen to me?’ Rocks don’t do this. Rocks are fully present – they know where they are. It is good medicine to ‘be like the rock’. It’s a strength that is always present and we can call on it whenever the need arises – if we just remember.

Rocks crumble in the end, but it is usually a slow process, dignified and invisible … Until then, the rock is refuge and stability in difficult times. Never knock the rock.

When we lose someone, or something that holds great importance for us, it leaves a yawning gap in our lives. But where exactly is this gap? Newtonian physics would not be able to find it and actually show us the location of this empty space, and a Doctor would not be able to fill it or fix it with a bandage, although she might suggest the numbing qualities of another mind bender. The gap doesn’t exist in a material sense, but we feel it all the same. It is like a bottomless pit that floats in and out of our awareness, lost in time somewhere, but the pain of its presence we feel right now. Sometimes it is almost as if we can see into it – the gap, the pit – and the heartbreak is there is no light within. What can we do?

It seems we have to get bigger. Much bigger. We have to move beyond the ‘little me’ and begin to see a timeless, endless divinity that works ceaselessly and effortlessly. The way out of suffering is to move out, in all directions and in all ways. If we expand beyond the terrors of our mortality and inevitable losses, we begin to see the magic and motion of life playing out in everything we say and everything we do. Our lives become purposeful – not in worldly ways we have been taught hold the greatest value, like our ability to build empires and corporations – but in the subtle realms of love and compassion for all things. It is here that our Truth unfolds. Here is where our reason for living reveals itself.

Why do we have to feel pain? Because we can. Through the pain in our life experiences, our true nature has the opportunity to show itself. If we acknowledge our fears – the losses and the sorrows – and take from them the gifts that really are there if we put down our weapons and allow – Life/God/The Universe comes joyfully tumbling into everything, and it is as if our thoughts and words and deeds become charged with a gentle power, so great it creates new worlds in every moment.

When we forget our connection to all life, we feel small, isolated and alone. We feel like victims – tiny, suffering and helpless. This is not who we are – not really. We have the power of choice in every moment, and when we choose to remember we are all things in all ways, our yawning, painful gaps fill in with love and kindness, and we are complete.

We are human, and it is inevitable that we will experience loss in life, but when we feel it, and feel it we will, we can also choose to be healed by remembering our connection to divinity, and invite in the greatest force in all the Universe…

It’s so very nice to feel calm, peaceful and at ease tonight. For weeks, if not months, I have had something rattling away in the back of my mind. Like an electrical appliance that runs 24/7, there has been a kind of hum in my head that has never gone away. This hum is my internal list of ‘must dos’, ‘have tos’ and ‘should dos’. It was a long list. The kind of list that has no end, because every day whatever gets ticked off two more get put in its place.

Yesterday I had a meltdown. As some folks say, ‘I lost it’, whatever ‘it’ is. I realised I was never going to get ‘it’ done, and the path I was choosing was bringing me closer and closer towards a maelstrom of even more ‘must dos’, ‘have tos’ and ‘should dos’… and if I didn’t call a halt to the whole crazy episode, I could see the life I say I want, moving further and further away.

If I said I cried a flood last night, I would not be exaggerating – not too much anyway. I think I went into a kind of shock too, because I became very cold and my whole body shook. I stopped sobbing in the end and tried to go to bed, but there was no sleep to be had. My thinking mind was not interested in giving up it’s supremacy to the unconscious. I was wide awake. At 3.30am I found myself in the garden, sitting on a bench, wrapped in my bear coat with the hood over my head. At least out here I was not ticking myself off for not being asleep.

In the early hours of the morning the garden is strangely still – save for the silent (to my ears at least) fluttering of bats, that circle round the lamp posts hoovering up insects as they go. Nothing looks real – it looks fabricated – not like a real garden at all. It looks almost two dimensional, somewhat like a child’s cut out.

I sat and pondered my situation. In the garden everything listens politely without judgment. I sat and let the answers happen. I asked for the Truth to be shown to me, and didn’t add any caveats. I have come to the conclusion that there is no point in shying away from Universal Truth. We are all the Universal Truth after all, and in all honesty cannot hide from ourselves – not really.