Everyone was slumped over at dinner, tired and thrown off from the first “spring forward” day of Daylight Savings Time, so Phil suggested we take a walk after. Like everyone else, we hate getting up an hour earlier, but the extra light in the evening is nice.

By the time we all had our shoes on, the sun had plopped its big lemon self down below the horizon, but there was still light in the sky: denim blue in the west, the deep black blue of the Pacific ocean in the east, and Jupiter shining hugely just above the moon. The air was so fresh and the night so beautiful I practically danced out of the house and down the street.

“A beautiful night! A beautiful walk! My beautiful family! What more could you ask for?” I exulted to Phil, half drunk with the pleasure of the light and the wind.

“Mom, you’re weird. You’re embarrassing,” Violet frowned.

“Um, no one else is here and you guys know what I’m like so who’s embarrassed?” I frowned back at her, but quieted my skipping feet and stopped exclaiming about the scenery. An eight-year-old’s scorn, so withering. Who knew?

We walked past the library to return my books, and then up to Haight Street, where Goodwill was open. Poke around the thrift shop? Sure, why not? Right away I spot a beautiful, perfect condition Land’s End dress that would fit Vi and look great on her. I hold it up. “Hah? Hah?” She shakes her head firmly.

All rightie. You’re a fool but whatever. Here is a scarlet red dress, drapey, incredibly soft. Check the label. Oh, it’s a goody. For $4? They don’t know what they have here. “Violet, what about this one?”

“Mom, NO!” she tells me firmly, ducking behind the end of a clothes rack.

I show her a lace blouse from the ’60s, it’s so perfect, look, not one rip. Look at this crazy label. “NO!” Hey, this t-shirt has a beautiful peacock on it. “MOM, NO! I don’t like the same things you like!” But you told me just yesterday you didn’t have enough T-shirts. “I don’t care. Don’t pick out things for me!” she huffs. “Your taste is weird. And stop bothering me, you are embarrassing.”

I draw back, stung. The really awful thing is, I remember refusing my own mom one million times at clothing stores, when she’d hold up things that didn’t suit my picky picky taste. I remember saying the same thing to her! “Don’t pick out stuff for me!” Is this how she felt?

Frown all the way through buying a beautiful silk scarf. Frown down the street and then tear into Violet on the corner. “You know, I’m not your punching bag. If I embarrass you, well then, just shut up and be embarrassed. If I said to you half the things you said to me, you would hate me! You are not allowed to tell me I’m weird, embarrassing, or any other mean thing; if you feel it, just keep it to yourself!”

Everyone’s silent the last few blocks, the pleasure of the walk gone. I feel worthless. I wish I didn’t care about her terrible opinion of me. I wish she still loved me like she used to, when I was perfect, when I was important.

We sit and talk on the stairs for a few minutes, making up a little bit, but it’s no good. Everyone’s hurt from the harsh words, and I have restless sleep that night. I hate fighting with her, it always leaves me feeling raw. But at the same time, the snottiness has to stop. She doesn’t have to like clothes I pick out for her. But she can’t go around insulting me, either.

Oh, that’s hard!!! But you have to let it wash over you. Don’t make a sulky child change you – you are great how you are, and at another time, she would have loved you for being happy and skippy. She was in a bad mood, and she took it out on you.

It is a lottery what mood my son will be in when I pick him up from school. I always start in a good mood, but if he grumps at me enough, I get less happy, and then I remind him that the grumpier I get, the less likely I am to do nice things for him such as let him choose what we do and eat when we get home…! Oh the joys of the 8-year-old. Each day is a fresh slate.

Sarahsays:

March 12, 2014 at 6:54 am

Wow, 8 years old? I was a teenager before I was mortified of my Mom in public. Even then, I never would have said something like that outside of the house. Even though I didn’t like my Mom at the moment, I still respected her. And she made that extremely difficult sometimes! I feel the same now that I’m a parent. I know my son won’t always like us, but he will respect us. Otherwise, he’ll probably get a week long example of what embarrassing really is!

HappyHippiesays:

March 12, 2014 at 7:19 am

My dad had the perfect solution to my own “embarrassing parent” sulks. He would put a banana sticker right on his big bald forehead and walk around everywhere with it. He would cheerfully point it out to everyone we encountered and call it his “World’s Most Embarrassing Dad Award”. When I was in middle school, he even had a shirt made that said he was my dad – with my FULL name – so that everyone would know. He wore it everywhere for YEARS. I was so mortified. So, so horribly, achingly mortified. But as it turned out, everyone loved my dad. And a lot of people who would never have known me otherwise got to know me because my dad was so freaking embarrassing. It made me a stronger person, having an embarrassing extrovert for a dad. He taught me to never be ashamed of my family, or to worry about what other people think about me, or my family. We are who we are and we need to get over ourselves. But, oh, it is a hard lesson to learn.

I hope that when the time comes and the eyes start rolling, I will have the sheer chutzpah to pull off my own “World’s Most Embarrassing Mom Award”.

Try not to let the mean girl voice coming from your daughter get to you. She’s learning social skills, and this is part of it. Embrace your weirdness! Let your light shine! Your little girl will eventually learn to shine with you. I’m living proof that you cannot die of embarrassing parent syndrome, as much as I sometimes thought I might.

Leahsays:

March 12, 2014 at 7:44 am

Agrre Sara. I didn’t get “emarassed” until I was well into my teens. But I never, ever talked to my mom like that, even as a teen. I may have THOUGHT those things, but man would never have said it.

I think we all feel “embarassed” by our parents at some point but I don’t think it’s okay to allow my child to speak to me so cruelly. I’d be heartbroken if/when it happens, but I also wouldn’t let it continue. So yay for you Joyce for putting your foot down and letter her no it’s not okay and you are not her punching bag.

ASsays:

March 12, 2014 at 7:57 am

I think the only time I ever told my mom that she was embarrassing me was when she kept using these really dumb pet name she had recently come up with for me in front of my friends. I think she needed that one! I usually just grumbled in silence though – at least that I remember.

I think it is great that you pointed out to her that her words towards you hold weight as well. Maybe next time you are embarrassing her she will find a kinder way to ask you to stop. I hope to be able to rely this same message to my kid. I can tell at 1.5 she already gets embarrassed at me sometimes. Esp when she screams NO when I dance.

Vickisays:

March 12, 2014 at 8:07 am

I am sorry. My daughter is 8 as well. It is a hard age. One minute, they are crawling on your lap, cuddling. The next minute, you are embarrassing.

I think you did the right thing, letting her know she can not talk to you like that. It is a miserable talk to have, no matter if you were in your living room or on a walk.

After we have a difficult time like you did, I will do something fun with all the kids after homework is finished. Play a quick game that is a tried and true family favorite, bake cookies, watch a movie. The expectation needs to stand, but it helps to heal the raw feeling.

Also, I think you NEED to dance and sing in public again. The very next time you all take a walk. This is who you are. The world can take it or leave it, and I am guessing you don’t really care what the world thinks. Show your daughter it is okay to be YOU, comfy in your skin, even though the world may perceive you as odd. Honestly, aren’t we all odd?

Ugh. The worst. And the whole scenario– a rare family moment spoiled by the moods, sensitivities and hard butting heads of a mother and her daughter. I’ve been there. I’ve been there. As much as I hate it, I return often.

Danny's Mommasays:

March 12, 2014 at 9:20 am

Poor Violet. She just doesn’t understand what an awesome mom she has. I would have LOVED to have taken an impromptu walk with my mom, but that never happened because she was always so afraid that he neighbors would “see” her. I have no clue what the heck she was so afraid of. I mean, did she really think she was that interesting that the neighbors needed to watch her take a walk?? You seem like such a fun mom. Violet has never experienced anything different so she doesn’t know. Being 8 years old she still feels her emotions so much harder than an adult. Maybe ask her to pick stuff out at the thrift store next time, and don’t hold clothes up to her. Pick stuff out for yourself, and let her browse for her own clothes. I know it’s hard right now but she’ll get over it. It’ll take years and years, but she will, and then she’ll have to deal with the guilt of making you feel bad. So I wouldn’t make too much of a big deal out of it right now, she’ll just carry more guilt later on in her life over something that is normal kid behavoir. She loves you. You know she does.

tinybubbleslanesays:

March 12, 2014 at 9:29 am

I know that feeling in a way. My daughter is almost 11 now. We kind of tease each other back and forth a bit all the time. Telling each other we’re weird and such. But I understand how sad it can make you feel when you realize that your child doesn’t see you as the perfect mom that can do no wrong.

Lilysays:

March 12, 2014 at 9:39 am

Well, at least you stood up for yourself, I have a few years yet, but I don’t tolerate being spoken to like like from a child. They need to know words can hurt.

DeliciousIronysays:

March 12, 2014 at 9:50 am

This makes me wonder who’s really embarrassing your daughter. Chances are there are other kids telling her SHE’S weird and this is her effort to take control over the things THEY think are weird. It hurts, but I suspect she’s hurting too or else she wouldn’t be responding so harshly.

Juliussays:

March 12, 2014 at 9:51 am

It’s weird because it does hurt. And as parents our kids forget that we are human (or are too self-centered at the moment to care). I have dealt with the whole mom you’re embarrassing me in a variety of ways. Either keeping up the behavior, telling my son that I will act as I choose to act and he can keep it to himself to respecting his wishes when it comes to hugs around his friends.

My mom did embarrass me and some kids made fun of her–which made me angry at the kids and feeling miserable. It’s part of growing up. Kids will have to learn to deal with it and treat their parents with respect.

Growing up is not easy. Life is not easy . We have to learn to live with these challenges.

Janethsays:

March 12, 2014 at 9:56 am

Im so sorry for you. My baby is only 10 months but i know she will do the same thing to me. Im trying to think how tell to you can feel better and when this moment will come to me I could use. I think you handled the situation very well. We cant avoid our children feel embarrassed of us but we can make clear that do this is no good. The good new is this is only a step and when she grows up this will change. Good look and dont feel bad. You are not the only mom in this situation and you are a very good mom

Brendasays:

March 12, 2014 at 10:02 am

I wish I had outings like that with my parents growing up. I don’t know what I would do if when my lo gets older if she were to talk to me like that. I know I would be really hurt. Cheer up, eventually (hopefully) she will see what an awesome mom you are!

mamaemsays:

March 12, 2014 at 10:11 am

I’ve been reading your posts for a while, and it sounds like you’re a wonderful mom. My daughter is 19 months old, so I can’t imagine the challenges of having an eight-year-old yet, but I suspect it probably hurts so much because you can remember what it was like to have a baby who loved everything you did. My daughter is in that stage now, and it breaks my heart to think she won’t always be. It sounds to me like you’re doing a great job, and I’m sure your daughter knows how much you love her, even at times like this.

rbasays:

March 12, 2014 at 10:14 am

My mom is as weird as the day is long and I adore her for it, I don’t think I ever felt embarrassed by her, many mornings when she would drop me off at high school ( we are talking Jr and Sr year) she would then call out the window “don’t wet your pants today!” I would always smile and call back “I’ll try!”. If you don’t like my mom, then I don’t like you!

Stacysays:

March 12, 2014 at 10:22 am

If it makes you feel any better I miss shopping with my mom and sister. Growing up it happened at least a couple times a month but I moved to the next state, we all got busy and the shopping trips stopped happening. They are now my favorite part of visiting family even though we have kids and husbands now.

egssays:

March 12, 2014 at 10:38 am

I’m glad you spelled out a limit. It’s an important lesson for people of all ages to learn that your feelings are valid, but they’re not license to be nasty. So not looking forward to when my daughter hits that stage.

Caitlynsays:

March 12, 2014 at 10:38 am

Don’t stop being how you are. Every child thinks that their parent is embarrassing. I remember thinking my mom was embarrassing, but all my friends loved her. Unfortunately you can’t stop her from thinking what she thinks, but later on she will appreciate you and everything she once found embarrassing

Elliesays:

March 12, 2014 at 11:06 am

I have many girls, a mostly perfect angel, a hitter, a screamer, and an anxious, rude one (add ”sometime” to those qualificatives). That last one is easily dysregulated but I have to let it go and start each day with a morning hug (from Dr Neufeld’s book)and fresh patience. Maturity is on our side! She probably doesn’t like fighting with you, either.

Lucisays:

March 12, 2014 at 11:10 am

This makes me sad =( I have a 4 month old daughter and I dread the day she tells me I’m embarrassing. Her father, on the other hand, is planning on and looking forward to being embarrassing.

I remember being embarrassed of some of the little things my mother and father did, but more the fact that we didn’t have ‘nice’ things like my friends did; like a nice car or designer jeans. I think it eventually made me a better person though because those material things don’t hold weight with me now. And I grew out of ‘the embarrassment’ by high school.

Brother Davidsays:

March 12, 2014 at 11:16 am

Good article. I hope you are feeling better. Aren’t children always being told to “Be yourself”? That applies to you, too. We must be who we are. There is no other alternative. You and me are weird. Just ask our spouses! Those around us must accept our mild eccentricities, and hopefully love us for them. Continue to stand up for yourself.
Love,
BigBro

Chelseysays:

March 12, 2014 at 11:22 am

I have a different perspective about this and that is that you and your daughter might just have conflicting personalities. Your exuberance might very well embarrass her, that’s ok, she can be embarrassed and I think it’s ok that she told you that. You know how she feels and you can make the choice to tell her too bad, I’m happy and enjoying this walk, scowl if you want or adjusting yourself to make her more comfortable, you have that choice. As far as the store I hear a mom not listening to her child. If she’s telling you no and not even looking at what you’re showing her there’s obviously something else there than you just haven’t picked up the right thing. No one likes to be pushed and after umpteenth interruptions to her brooding she snapped. An adult might have said I’m not in the mood or whatever and the problem would have been avoided. Your 8 year old can’t be expected to describe get emotions without prompting. It’s up to you to say, hey what’s up, you don’t seem interested, do you want to look at things with me or would you like a few minutes to browse on your own. Just because they are our children doesn’t mean that we can poke and push at them and then be surprised when they have a normal frustrated response. Push less, ask more questions.

Eynassays:

March 12, 2014 at 11:59 am

Don’t be harsh at yourself! It is hard to take in but they all say things they never really mean or they just don’t think about it much before saying it
I think we should start just teaching them to think before they say
We love them and they love us xxx

Somebody's Mommysays:

March 12, 2014 at 12:02 pm

So children aren’t allowed to tell their parents to shut up because it’s rude and you do the same thing to your daughter? Someday she’s going to stop sharing these opinions with you and you’re going to wish you hadn’t told her to keep things to herself. Why don’t you teach her (and yourself) kinder ways to express your feelings? I FEEL __________ WHEN ___________.

Are you on medications? Anti-depressants? Therapy? Maybe you should consider it.

Rochellesays:

March 12, 2014 at 12:07 pm

I think that it is a developmental stage. My oldest dd (third grade like Violet) is going through some of these less pleasant attitude changes, too, and so are all of her friends (both in her school and others), according to their moms. Like a pp said, one minute they want a snuggle, and the next, they want to show that they are their own person with their own attitudes. Does take a boatload of patience and sometimes my boat springs a leak, too. Keep being true to yourself and set that great example for your daughter. And that picture of Violet is adorable!

ARodsays:

March 12, 2014 at 12:20 pm

I think you did the right thing telling her what you told her, you are the mom and she has to respect you. But don’t feel upset for the comment, you said you felt the same about your mom, how much did you hate her? That’s how much Violet hates you: ZERO. She’s growing up, her personality is developing, we all think our parents are wrong at that age… or our teenage years. Some people mentioned that they would have never said something like that to their parents… well, times have changed, kids feel more free to express themselves to their parents, but it doesn’t mean that parents have to take it! We have to set limits, just like you did. She loves you just as much as she always has, I am sure about that.

Ashlisays:

March 12, 2014 at 12:28 pm

I am so sorry. I have a baby girl. I want to do everything in my power to keep this kind of attitude and disrespect toward others developing in her. My goal is to teach her to love God and other people and care about other’s needs and feelings. What a tough day that must have been for you.

Ashlisays:

March 12, 2014 at 12:29 pm

*FROM developing in her*

Heathersays:

March 12, 2014 at 12:31 pm

An occasional rude comment from your kiddo is understandable, but if it happens regularly, then you HAVE to put a stop to it. Would it be okay for you to regularly tell your child that she was weird and embarrassing? NO, because that would be hurtful and cause long-term emotional issues. If you allow your child to disrespect you and hurt you at 8 years old, then imagine how they are going to speak to you when they are a teenager? Or, imagine how they are going to talk to their boyfriend, to their spouse, to their children?

I had friends, growing up, that would speak to their parents like this, and much worse. I hated it. It made me very uncomfortable that they so flippantly hurt their parents, and equally uncomfortable that their parents let them.

Heathersays:

March 12, 2014 at 12:39 pm

…my husband is a huge support in this area. If my 9 year-old daughter is disrespectful to me, he calls her our on it; firmly, lovingly, and consistently. It really is a big help and I think it teaches the kiddos how much we love and respect each other in our marriage, how they should love and respect others, and how they should love and respect themselves.

momofthreesays:

March 12, 2014 at 1:11 pm

My daughter is about to turn 8 and this stage is coming. I know I will find it hard to just let it run off of me and I will take it personally too. I have two younger boys, one a baby, so I’ve still got that unconditional love coming at me, but somehow when I am spurned by my daughter it hurts a lot more. Maybe it’s that mother-daughter butting heads relationship. I distinctly remember going through this with my mom. And I turned out to be great friends with my mom – I talk to her every day and count on her as she counts on me. So, the relationship is always evolving. Just hang in there Joyce. I don’t have better advice as I’m navigating this now.

Sandrasays:

March 12, 2014 at 1:33 pm

I might go with the: “Well, I’m your mom. Embarrassing you is part of my job! This is who I am.” Smile.

I guess I sorta expect I will embarrass my boys someday and they will just have to live with it. Haven’t changed for anyone yet, and don’t plan on doing it for them either.

Kirstensays:

March 12, 2014 at 1:37 pm

This is so hard. My oldest is starting to make intentionally rude personal comments (as opposed to the innocent personal comments she made when she was younger, like they do). Things like “you are not beautiful today” or “I don’t like it when you sing”, which can really add up and be hurtful. She’s starting to yell a lot too, which just grates on the nerves. My husband and I keep reminding her that it is never okay to tell someone that they are less than you in some way (not beautiful, not smart, not fun, etc), and that although it is absolutely okay to disagree, how she says things matters just as much as what she’s saying. Tone of voice is a big deal, and she can be respectful even when she’s angry, and so can we. Like Violet, she’s still learning social cues and how to express herself, and she needs a lot of reminding. Good for you for giving that reminder.

On another note, I saw this quote the other day and absolutely love it: Weird is a side effect of Awesome.

Keep being awesome.

Danielle Asays:

March 12, 2014 at 1:47 pm

omg this is devastating. My kid isnt even 2 but I fear this happening one day

Jessicasays:

March 12, 2014 at 2:00 pm

Ahhh the joys… I’ve read several of your articles and feel like our daughters are just the same, in fact this article could be about my daughter! Unaware of social cues, overly talkative at the wrong times about inappropriate things….the similarities are uncanny. There are so many unkind people that with a “regular” kid all their advice would be spot on, I know this because I have a “regular” kid and she might think it but she’d never say it because she understands consequences and that every action has a reaction. However with my girl I could tell her exactly what you did which I can totally understand, and she’d hear it and understand it but still not really understand or stop her from doing it in the future, it’s a work in progress. Let’s not judge until you’ve walked a mile in this mothers shoes… You don’t know what you would do in this situation if you knew everything and felt everything that we as moms of special needs kids feel. It’s a fine line to walk between trying to make them understand what is ok and what’s not but at the same time taking into account that they don’t understand and maybe never will in the same way that a regular kid does. It’s tough parenting, loving and teaching a differently abled kid.

@Somebody’s Mommy:What a bizarrely-presumptuous, sanctimonious, patronizing and inappropriate question to ask and piece of unsolicited advice to give.

Nelly77says:

March 12, 2014 at 3:08 pm

@Somebody’s Mommy – She is her mother, not her friend, and as her mother she deserves to be spoken to with respect from her daughter. What her daughter said was rude, though not unusual for an 8 year old. If her daughter is going to dish it out, she must expect the consequences that come with her words.

Joyce, I’m sorry this happened to you, but I think we all said regretful things to our mothers. My mom wasn’t hesitate to tell me that my words hurt her. I hope this incident doesn’t hinder any future communication between you and your daughter. I agree, don’t change who you are.

Carolsays:

March 12, 2014 at 7:16 pm

Just a thought… Try to remember why you acted that way when you were a kid… Perhaps she’s starting to be influenced by other people around her. Explain to her she has to stay true to herself; she doesn’t need to act like the others. And that when you dance or whatever in public is because you like yourself better than what others will think about you. Stay true to yourself, I wouldn’t stop dancing or singing, you are a role model and she has to know it is ok to do that kind of stuff.
(** watch out for bullies; sometimes kids are communicating things to us as a mirror of what they might be facing)
Continue to “fight” for her; and your most important weapon is communication.

Chloesays:

March 12, 2014 at 9:11 pm

I hope you do find yourself sometime, singing and dancing in public again.

This post touched my heart. At work recently (I am a Director of a program for toddlers and kids), I accidentally overheard two mommies refer to me as “the ugly one”, and I tried not to let it hurt my feelings, but it really did. It doesn’t matter how old you get; meanness hurts. I think you did the right thing- 8 is a tough age, but keep reminding her that you are human, that you have real feelings too, and that meanness hurts. I like using this to help teach children to think before they speak:

T – is it true?
H – is it helpful?
I – is it inspiring?
N – is it necessary?
K – is it kind?

Best of luck to you, you’re not alone.

Nelly77says:

March 12, 2014 at 10:58 pm

@Chloe – I like that concept. Thanks for sharing it.

Liasays:

March 13, 2014 at 10:14 am

I don’t know why, but I don’t think it is rude for a child to tell her parents they are embarassing them. It can hurt, yes, but it is not a lack of respect. I think that, once you get past the hurt, this is a good start for a conversation, because obviously she is looking for you to respect her on some aspects which maybe none of you have grabbed. You have words to tell her why her comment hurt you, but maybe she doesn’t. So discuss. Find out why she feels awkard. Find out if you need to change something in your behaviour, or maybe if she needs to reconsider. Or if you need to meet in the middle of the road. Children at this age are forming likes, dislikes, feelings of shame etc. Don’t take this as an offence, but as an occasion. Best of luck!

katsays:

March 13, 2014 at 11:37 am

Something to think about, also, is that Violet’s comments may stem from her trying to figure out social norms and cues, especially if they don’t come naturally to her. It sounds like she’s hearing “be yourself” and, also, “fit in with everyone else” and is struggling to reconcile the two. Violet will undoubtedly come to share and appreciate your taste and humor, but maybe she feels like the “right” clothes or interests (meaning whatever all the other girls are wearing or doing) will help her fit in, and she’s reflecting that back on you.

Kristina Sauerweinsays:

March 13, 2014 at 11:41 am

Zoe is in 3rd grade too and the eye rolling teenage-ish attitude is starting and I hate it so much. I feel for you!

Janesays:

March 13, 2014 at 11:52 am

I always find that if I turn to a good book about the age my child is, I end up feeling so reassured. It’s totally normal for Violet to be embarrassed by you. If you were dating, she would say, it’s not you it’s me and it would be! She may be awkward and not as tactful as you would like when she’s saying it but the reality is, part of a girl growing up means she’s going to find you embarrassing, annoying, she might even tell you she hates you once in a while. The important thing is to keep your cool as best as you can so you can model for her how to behave when other people inevitably say the same things to her. You keeping your cool also lets her know you are a safe person to express herself to, even if she makes mistakes when she does so.

As an aside, I think part of what bothered you last night is what seems to bother Violet often, you had an idealized view of the way that night was going to go and when Violet veered it off course you got really angry. I think it’s important to be painfully realistic when you embark on anything with kids – even a walk. Always expect it to be mediocre at best, a meltdown on their part at worst and that way you won’t be disappointed. Ha! Seriously, though, as the parent, your experience of any trip or adventure with your kids is never going to be all hearts and roses, perfect like a movie. We’re forever in management, nurture, fix it and kiss the boo boo mode. If you want idyllic, you need to book a sitter and take a walk with Phil alone. Especially now that Violet is a tween

Leahsays:

March 13, 2014 at 2:08 pm

Like just a few of the others commenting, I try to make it a rule to remember how I felt on the other side of the relationship. You mentioned briefly that you had done/said the same things to your mother. I think if you’d gone with that thought and stopped pushing your suggestions on your daughter, the evening might have ended differently. Another possibility would have been to delay your reaction until you felt less hurt and could be more calm. After all, you’re the mom and Violet is a child. You have the responsibility to be the calm one. Respect is a two way street, I’ve always hated it when people are said to “deserve” respect because of their age, who they are, their position, etc. No one deserves my respect, they must earn it, just as I must earn theirs. I think you failed to respect Violet as much or more than she failed to respect you. I know the day is coming when my now 4 year old will say the same thing to me and I hope I’ll remember my words to you and be able to follow my own advice.

Having said all this, please don’t stop singing and dancing. That’s the great kind of embarrassing your kid, teaching her to be happy and love life and not care what others may think.

Joyce Slatonsays:

March 13, 2014 at 2:31 pm

I have to admit, Leah, I was thinking silently in my head “Wait till Leah has a snotty 8 yo, then she won’t find it so easy to be calm.” : ) It’s not bad advice! I am often able to be calm and measured (and I don’t tend to write about those times as much, as they’re boring to read about!), but sometimes, I am not. She is often able to keep her thoughts to herself, but sometimes, she is not. We’re both struggling on, doing our best!

I am similar to Leah – I know that I learned in a hurry that if Mom suggested an article of clothing I risked her being in a huff because “you never like anything I suggest!” or I just said, “fine”.

Now, with my kids, I give them permission to not like something and shake their head if I offer something up. I might have final say on what I’m willing to purchase, but their style is their style and shopping isn’t the pain point it was when I was a kid.

It serves both sides, too. I get to be my own weird self and so do they.

Totosays:

March 13, 2014 at 9:17 pm

Hi Joyce –

I’m one of those who’ve been “reading” you since the beginning. I believe my 3rd child (of 4) and your Violet are the same age.

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that that this incident happened and that your heart was hurt. Man, parenting is just so….much, isn’t it? I know that you are an amazing mom and that Violet is an awesome girl. I think you were right on to show your daughter that you have feelings, too,and that they count as much as hers and everyone else’s. That’s an important lesson in life and one that she not to young to receive. You spoke to her in your own way and kind of in the heat of the moment,but maybe that’s the way it needed to happen. A lot of commenters are talking about respect, which I agree is important, but I kind of feel like the main thing here is just teaching an awareness of how our words can make each other feel. Of course, Violet loves you to the moon and back. And maybe at this stage in her 8 year old skewed mind she finds you embarassing at times. But, I seriously doubt that in her heart of hearts she is happy knowing that she really hurt you. You reacted in a very real way. Growing up is so hard! Stay strong!

Joyce Slatonsays:

March 14, 2014 at 4:51 am

Wow, man, Toto, you totally get me. Your advice is solid! Also, non-obnoxious at all. you sound like a nice mom.

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