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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Random Thoughts with Jenny Jerkface: Public Restrooms Edition

As much as I talk about the Numero Dos... I have some serious phobias about doing the deed when other people are in the vicinity. I mean, I've shit in the woods but I can't take a crap in a public bathroom if someone is in there. I just physically... can't do it. You know some animals go to the bathroom in corners so nothing can sneak up on the from behind? It's like that for me.

The following internal monologue is based on a true story.

Shit.

Like, literally.Dude, intestines - I'm talkin' to you! - I had like one tablespoon of peanut butter and three sips of coffee for breakfast and now it feels like WWIII is about to waged in my stomach. Go away.

...

.....

Crap. Still have to poop. I haaaaaate dropping the kids at the pool while I'm working.

Gahd daaaaaamit! Stupid fuckin' lady interupting my poop. Hurry up.AND WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PICK THE ONE STALL NEXT TO ME?? THERE ARE FIVE STALLS IN THIS BATHROOM!!Really? Why THAT stall?! Is it your favorite stall??? Can you only go in that specific stall??? You wanna play footsies or something?? Asshole.

...

.....

.......

Oh, for the love of all that is holy what are you doing in there?! You haven't even peed!! The fuck? I have to go, you dim-witted douchenozzle, and I can't do it with you here because I just know it's going to be awkward and then every time you see me you're going to know I was the chick who blew up the last stall in the ladies room (aka "the poop stall"). Just hurry up and pee and get the fuck out already.

.....

.....

................

Oh, I get it, you evil twat. You have to shit too and you're waiting for me to leave so you can have a little pooping peace. YOU THINK YOU CAN WAIT ME OUT, DO YOU?? Well, I was here first, you donkey-ass-licker. I've invested too much time in this little adventure to leave here without finishing the job.

...

[toilet flushes]

FINALLY. Ha! I win!! You didn't even GO!! Go poop someplace else, you clit-clot --I was here first! Now go do the token hand-wash and get the fuck out of here! Who the hell takes five minutes to pee, anyway? You might want to get that checked out.

...

....

.....

..........................................

OH MAH GAHD, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?! You washed your hands like, two minutes ago, what the fuck?! Just leave. GonowgonowGONOW!! If you're staring at yourself in the mirror, don't bother. Just go! I mean, seriously, I have the torpedo ready for take off GET THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCKING FUCK OUT OF HERE!! JEEEEEEEEEZUS!!

Look, the thing is, if I have to poop, I just have to poop. That's one thing that long car trips have taught me. Constipation is not worth it. But, I do wait until the bathroom is totally empty before I open the stall door, and I may have made sure my feet were as far back from the stall door as possible so nobody would recognize my shoes.

Been there, no doubt. And my internal monologue was eerily similar to yours.

On the way up to LA to see JaccckkkSON, ES got so excited she had to poop...she was screaming that it was peaking out in anticipation of the JRath...the MOS...the Jacksonlicious Man Meat...I was PMSL cause she normally doesn't discuss her poop like me. I talk poop freely. JJ that is something we have in common...oh that, and our midgetness.

Some day I am going to make a little chart explaining how to choose a stall in a multi-stall restroom based on what stalls are already occupied. I would be doing a great public service to the world, I think. Or maybe just to me...

JJ that's my life. I will do anything and I mean anything to avoid pooping in a public toilet. I don't even understand people who can poop on a plane for goodness sake. I mean we all know what you are doing in there if you are not out after two minutes.....and the aroma usually follows you back to your seat anyway - person in seat 12A has just taken a dump everyone.....guilty as charged.

I didn't have the same dialogue in my head today, but I was having the internal discussion about my "policy" re: pooping. If I have to in public, I will. My absolute preference - pooping at home alone.

HAHAHAHAHAH this is sooooo me. When I worked in the city, the bathroom was NEVER EVER empty. It's like all the women came in there to hide and chat. WTF, go outside to hide fuckers! Yeah, I like to be alone too. Hell, I don't even like it when Peter stands outside the door and fucks with me while I'm doing the deed.

Holy shit (pun intended)... I feel like I just read my own inner monologue. This is the story of my life. I work with all guys....and our restroom is located right next to my bosses office (in fact it shares the same wall) so he can hear EVERYTHING. Needless to say, I usually bolt in the bathroom the second the boss is gone, even if I don't have to go because I know that once he gets back, my stomach is going to be like 'muhahahahaha he's baaaack and I'm gonna pretend I just took a laxative! Take THAT you scared little biotch!'

Well, I'm super stoked we know this about each other now, especially because when we meet in Forks (can't wait!) we will be secretly thinking 'Hey, thats the girl who can't poo in public, just like ME!' (or at least that's what I'll think is going through your mind). Hopefully we don't end up in a public restroom together some day.... I can't see that ending well... or at all. Or maybe it's for the best and we can just go in shifts.

I find it a little odd that the word verification for me posting this comment is "Restos"... sounds like a spanish laxative.

OMG, story of my life! I cannot poop with others around, and have the same scenario play out. I've gotten marginally better, but I used to make up excuses to run home when I was at other people's homes. It's nice knowing I'm not the only one!

to share a male perspective, as I'm reading and laughing my husband comes to serd over my shoulder, and he starts laughing his ass off...(of course) and then reading the comments he says "Damn you females are different as hell..we'll just go in and blow it up no matter WHOS in there even if it sounds like the guy in the next stall is fighting a demon"....so suave

I really hate public toilets/restrooms in general so I am that person that takes five min to just start peeing my bladder tenses up when anyone else is in the bathroom. I prefer to poop at home alone but sometimes when you gotta go you gotta go!

PS: That lady is a douche seriously there is proper bathroom etiquette and taking a stall next to another person when the rest are unoccupied is a no no!!!

I too have an issue pooping in a public rest room with other people around, I don't know anyone who could just go with other people in the bathroom. I usually wait till I get home or go in a single stall that has room spray!

@porphyrias_curse - my last boss (male)readily confessed he couldn't poop in the bathroom at work. And that was when there were maybe 3 guys on the whole floor. Of course, I guess then it was pretty obvious who was in there!

@JJ - Have you even been in stall waiting for the other person to leave - only to realize they were waiting for you to leave? Who's gonna blink (or in this case, poop) first?

There is nothing like a little IBS to get your over your pooping anxiety!

@kintail, lol SOOO true! IBS fucked me, and then I went and had my gallbladder removed. Opps, laxatives without actually having to take anything. Fun times all around. Working in a fancy office made it super special indeed.

I am so with you. I can't go in a public bathroom either. Except I go one step further - I can't even poop in a hotel room. I have literally gone DAYS without pooping, because I can't poop in a hotel room. It doesn't matter if I am there by myself or on a trip with my family. Can't. do. it. I have been on trips where I actually prayed for the runs.

When I get home, two words: inverted volcano.

I am sure there is some fancy as fuck psychological name for this, and I most likely should be in therapy for it, yes?

pmsl...that is so me! The inner monologue, everything...I get stage fright so prefer my own throne with plenty of reading material.I blame it on my old workplace. I rarely took a poop there. I always felt pressured to be quick unless I wanted staff hunting me down – no place was sacred! Unfortunately, sometimes your body betrays you and it's unavoidable. Once those nasty squirming tummy gurgles start,you’re then butt cheek clenching to stop the popping noise as you half walk/sprint to the toilet - it's just fkn humiliating! It’s no bloody wonder I can’t poop just anywhere!

I can poop in public restroom....no problem. I don't particularly like to but I can. There is always someone else who is louder, farts accidentally....to take the attention off of me....at least that is what I tell myself. I am beginning to think this can be added to my list of talents considering all the pooping issues I am reading here.

@JJ--You at least had your Blackberry during this epic long wait right? You snuck in a little fanfic reading?

@Cazza--I am totally with you about pooping on the plane issue. On our last flight to England my daughter kept farting in her seat. It was disgusting. She was oddly proud and thought it was hysterical. For some reason I thought of JJ.

**Sigh** I must admit I use to go through the same shit... ha ha no literally

I've minced around at retreat workshops to find the perfect private bathroom and avoid the dreaded public restroom. Nooo I didn't want anyone around while I was doing the deed I'd wait for hours.

Fate that evil bitch had it in for me and I had to get over that shit in a hurry, thanks to having my gall bladder out. I'm now one of the five percent afterward that over produce bile salts now and depending on what I've eaten... you can time it to the minuet twenty minutes later.

There is no more mincing about waiting like I use to no that just wouldn't be my luck. The absolute worst was when I had a Caesar Salad with chicken and an Ice Tea on the Ferry from Victoria to Vancouver. Safe meal right? Right? Yah Right....

I was literally trapped in the very very busy public washroom for 40 minutes. That was my freaking ultimate living hell as people came and went, if I could have disappeared into the woodwork I would have! I survived sort of... I'm just slightly scared by the experience, but I learned to just get over it and get on with it.

At work, the ladies room on every other floor is a single stall where you can lock the door and have your privacy. That is some small saving grace in what is now my living nightmare of crap shoot of will I or won't I. Imodium is my friend now!

I am someone who doesn't like to poo if someone is in the bathroom with me. Sometimes my body however can't take the waiting and it let's go and it sounds like my ass exploded. I then proceed to make all of these groaning noises followed by profuse apologies. Shit has to happen!

Hey, I had one of those ass exploding moments and it turned out it was my boss sitting in the stall next to me. I was horrified!

My only saving grace now at work is we have a lovely single woman's bathroom right next to our office - that has become my poo bathroom heaven. I'm free to be me and fully let go and see what my poo is trying to tell me.

Get out of my head!!! That is exactly what I go through. I have actually skipped lunch before and gone home to poop. My mother used to tease me. I remember one time in high school my best friend got a case of nerves at a volleyball tournament and hand me stand guard at the door and do signal if someone came in (I don't know what that would help). I'm sure they woman who came in thought we where snorting coke or something. Pooping in public is something people either have a huge hang up about or just don't give a damn about. Cuz I this one woman at my old job would on a almost daily basis be on her cell phone while crapping.

It is such a relief to know I am not the only one out there who can't poop or pee in public. LOL

My friends and family have grown accustomed to waiting for long periods of time when I'm in a public restroom. I've even mastered the slow ooze out drop gently into bowl technique without making a sound! HA!

But I still can't muffle the sound of urine hitting the water and not resonating like a huge Jamaica kettle drum.

I too suffer from this. It is one of the many things I am nervous about going to FORKS!!! I do have a funny story...I was sitting in a large university's restroom trying to hold back a flood of diarrhea, waiting for the bathroom to clear when a girl sits in the stall next to me and then dials her cell!!! She is talking to her boyfriend...that is when I decide that as embarassing as explosive bowl movements are in a public restroom talking on your cell phone in the shitter is MORE embarassing. I let it fly (quite lierally). The noise was epic...bouncing off all the tiled surfaces (the noise that is) like it only can in a public restroom. The girl gasped a little and tried to talk over the noise...When I got out of the stall we washed our hands side by...acting like the other didn't exsist.

I certainly have my location preferences when it comes to dropping the kids off at the pool (love that phrase, btw) but in realitly it's my body that makes the ultimate call. If I gotta go, I gotta go.

Ya'll have sick senses of humor (one the many reasons you rock), I think you'll enjoy this :)

I absolutely hate shitting at work. We have a very small office and it's not unlike someone to call you out for dropping a stinky deuce! So there's a bathroom on the basement level of our office building that we often escape to for poo privacy.

In college, I used to click on the hand dryer in the bathroom before taking a dump....

OMG I totally relate to this post. I haaate it when someone comes in just when I think the coast is clear to let it rip. Honestly, the japanese have got it down to a fine art with their special toilets that play music or make the sounds of waterfalls to disguise the sounds of rectal fall-out. i bet they auto spray febreze as well.

My friend loves to be "paid to poop" and actively tries to poop at work. I'll do it when necessary but it's not my favorite. I had a job a few years ago that the bathroom had 2 stalls and then an entire separate room within the bathroom with shower and private heavy door. It was totally the poop room and everyone knew what you were doing when you went or out of it but it was a nice way to hide your pooping shame.

It's like I wrote this myself. If worse comes to worst, try flushing the toilet repeatedly as your kids hit the diving board. It may be obvious what you're up to, but it negates both the sound and the smell. Just sayin...

This post is the funniest and truest thing I have ever read about going to the loo at work. To add to all of what you have said I am now going to have to stop myself from laughing when I am going thru each of the stages you have listed!!!I would like to fucking strangle the guy (yep it has to be a guy) who invented the open ended toilet stalls. Before him everything was neatly enclosed in a little room with a WINDOW!!! Now when you go in, the air freshener doesn't work and the super duper air sucking thing in the ceiling has about as much oomph as a limp-wristed wet lettuce leaf handshake! Yes I have just peed my pants laughing at this!

Are you all familiar with the "pre-spray"?? This helps a bit when shitting at work. Instead of shitting and then spraying air freshener, spray it first, that way if someone walks in mid-poo, you've already at least covered up the smell!!

Classic post JJ!! I didn't take a crap away from home until I went to college. That's the God's honest truth and I even went for summer camp for a week. That's right, a week without taking a shit. Total agony. The girls on my dorm floor were super cool about the fact that I needed a Cosmo mag and about 90 minutes to go to the bathroom. Lots of alcohol fueled adventures cured me as well. Nothing like the shits after a night of kamikazi shots.

@kintail & @amber - yes!!! Us ladies with IBS have had to accumulate a different set of skills when it comes to public pooping. My bowels rule all. After many mortifying experiences (epically defiling the bathroom of one of the nicest restaurants in San Fran on my BIRTHDAY after treating myself to a cheese course) and more close calls than I care to remember (but are burned into my brain), I've found the following to be true:1. Everyone shits2. Holding it in just means more pain later3. Handicapped stalls are your best friend 4. Courtesy flushes are nice until you come across one of those toilets that has too much water and a violently strong flush and you end up getting splashed so you don't just have shut in you but now also on you5. Trying to cover the smell with perfume just makes it smell like shitty perfume6. Learn the routine of the office. I've come to know that 11-11:30 is pretty much the best time to go. Long enough time has passed since breakfast and it's soon enough before the pre-lunch visits.

I could write a book on this.

Side story: when I was a kid I got car sick all the time and my dad used to name the places when we had to pull over. Park Presidio Blvd in San Francisco is Barf Presidio Hurlevard even now (20 or so years later). My dad shared that with my husband a while back and now he's taken to naming the places that I've had to nuke. Can you feel the love? I sure can! Fuckers

@lkw I totally used to use the hand dryer trick in college. I am with jj on this one...I am a shy pooper as well, but sometimes you have just gotta go.When this is the case, I evoke the courtesy flush.

I am commenting on this post w/ a different name because on the off chance that Billy, Rob, KLutz, or JBone read this funny as hell post, I don't want to be directly associated :)

Anyone who has lived in a dorm with a shared bathroom has learned the art of perfectly timed poos. I for one have perfected the art of peeing and pooping at the same time. Cut the time in half, and pee is louder anyway, so whatever is gonna be dropping will be inconsequential.

This skill is especially useful when you start staying at your new s/o's place, and you're both in "doodie denial."

JJ You definitely have to read "The Idiot Girl's Action Adventure Club" I know not Twilight related but fuckin hilarious!!!!!!! There is a whole chapter about bathroom rules...so fuckin awesome! Oh and my personal bathroom rule...no talking on your god damn cell phone while you are in the bathroom (especially the stall) I mean seriously it is bad enough doing your business in a public bathroom you have to hear someone squawking in their phone while they are doing their business

When I went to college, I would have to drive home (90 minute drive) every few weeks "for the weekend" - just so I could "go". I got used to it - it's NORMAL for me to go days or weeks w/o pooping. But as I was driving home, my guts sure started waking up as soon as I crossed the county line! We only had one bathroom then, and God help me if it was occupied when I finally ran into the house!

And I get really aggravated at people who stink up the bathroom at work. People! Do that on your own time! I know. My DH has the exact opposite philosophy - he saves it until he gets to work!

Four days in Forks won't be a problem for me. But my roomy will poop enough for both of us. She doesn't care where she is - she's proud of it. (I can't believe she is actually related to me!)

And I won't pee outdoors or in scuzzy bathrooms either. I once rode all the way from Charlotte to Cleveland w/o taking a leak because every gas station the driver stopped at was just gross!

@Amber, The Unlikely Mama - Hey lady. You don't have to understand Twilight to hang here. These bitches are HYSTERICAL and the air we breathe. I think you'd like them tons.

@Melissa - Clearly, that was a book I probably should have read a long time ago. Because I am an idiot.

@Rugbymom - Holy shit! (er, yeah, that.) You can actually go weeks without dropping one?? I think I'd die. I'm fine with pooping/peeing anywhere, so long as no one else is in the area. I remember going on a backpacking trip and walking so far into the woods to poop that I actually ended up five feet from ANOTHER trail. with my pants around my ankles. Awkward. And I'm talking like waaaaay out there in the woods- I walked a long time with my little shovel, dammit.

And I once ended up in a very disturbing strip club somewhere in some podunk town in PA and the bathrooms had half-wall stalls, meaning you could be sitting on the shitter and have a face to face convo with the stripper pissing next to you. Um, yeah, that's actually a long story. Never mind, lol.

And I'm SO FUCKING GLAD there are so many other weirdos out there who can't poop in the presence of others.

The trick is fingers in ears. If you can't hear yourself pooping, no one else can, right? And it helps to block out the intruders.

Or there is always the pulling of the paper distraction, flushing as soon as you start to go or rattling around in your purse. All choices that put everyone at ease and makes for a more pleasant poopfest.

*POOPTASTIC*--everyone does it- poop is your friend...maybe not. I'd like to announce to those of you still in here "shits bout to hit the fan" leave now or suffer the consequenses.You've been warned..let er rip..you guys are the bestest..love reading your comments...

*POOPTASTIC*--everyone does it- poop is your friend...maybe not. I'd like to announce to those of you still in here "shits bout to hit the fan" leave now or suffer the consequenses.You've been warned..let er rip..you guys are the bestest..love reading your comments...

@Amber, The Unlikely Mama - Hey lady. You don't have to understand Twilight to hang here. These bitches are HYSTERICAL and the air we breathe. I think you'd like them tons.

@Melissa - Clearly, that was a book I probably should have read a long time ago. Because I am an idiot.

@Rugbymom - Holy shit! (er, yeah, that.) You can actually go weeks without dropping one?? I think I'd die. I'm fine with pooping/peeing anywhere, so long as no one else is in the area. I remember going on a backpacking trip and walking so far into the woods to poop that I actually ended up five feet from ANOTHER trail. with my pants around my ankles. Awkward. And I'm talking like waaaaay out there in the woods- I walked a long time with my little shovel, dammit.

And I once ended up in a very disturbing strip club somewhere in some podunk town in PA and the bathrooms had half-wall stalls, meaning you could be sitting on the shitter and have a face to face convo with the stripper pissing next to you. Um, yeah, that's actually a long story. Never mind, lol.

And I'm SO FUCKING GLAD there are so many other weirdos out there who can't poop in the presence of others.

When I went to college, I would have to drive home (90 minute drive) every few weeks "for the weekend" - just so I could "go". I got used to it - it's NORMAL for me to go days or weeks w/o pooping. But as I was driving home, my guts sure started waking up as soon as I crossed the county line! We only had one bathroom then, and God help me if it was occupied when I finally ran into the house!

And I get really aggravated at people who stink up the bathroom at work. People! Do that on your own time! I know. My DH has the exact opposite philosophy - he saves it until he gets to work!

Four days in Forks won't be a problem for me. But my roomy will poop enough for both of us. She doesn't care where she is - she's proud of it. (I can't believe she is actually related to me!)

And I won't pee outdoors or in scuzzy bathrooms either. I once rode all the way from Charlotte to Cleveland w/o taking a leak because every gas station the driver stopped at was just gross!

I am commenting on this post w/ a different name because on the off chance that Billy, Rob, KLutz, or JBone read this funny as hell post, I don't want to be directly associated :)

Anyone who has lived in a dorm with a shared bathroom has learned the art of perfectly timed poos. I for one have perfected the art of peeing and pooping at the same time. Cut the time in half, and pee is louder anyway, so whatever is gonna be dropping will be inconsequential.

This skill is especially useful when you start staying at your new s/o's place, and you're both in "doodie denial."

I can poop in public restroom....no problem. I don't particularly like to but I can. There is always someone else who is louder, farts accidentally....to take the attention off of me....at least that is what I tell myself. I am beginning to think this can be added to my list of talents considering all the pooping issues I am reading here.

@JJ--You at least had your Blackberry during this epic long wait right? You snuck in a little fanfic reading?

@Cazza--I am totally with you about pooping on the plane issue. On our last flight to England my daughter kept farting in her seat. It was disgusting. She was oddly proud and thought it was hysterical. For some reason I thought of JJ.

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