Saturday, May 03, 2008

Boy, after the first Nanny accused Rob Lowe of sexual harassment I sent my researchers off to investigate. They’d barely gotten started when the second Nanny came forward. But according to VE sources, this was only the tip of the iceberg.

Apparently there was a third Nanny as well. Known around the farm as “Lily”; Rob Lowe would come around and visit her during certain Farm Aid charitable events. Under conditions of anonymity we were able to talk to her briefly:

VE investigator: How did this sordid affair get started?Lily: He would come by with the loveliest of Daisies for me. They tasted so good.VE investigator: But after the flowers, he demanded more?Lily: Oh yes, he was a baaaaaad boy. I haven’t had this happen since the Sheppard Conference in Idaho…

And so it went. But even further investigations led to more startling revelations into Mr. Lowe’s sexual activities:Though quite young at 18, Rob was just off the set of the Outsiders and Mother Theresa was 73. In one of her letters found after her death but not published in her written memoirs, it goes on to read “…I tried to tell him our age difference was too much but he kept mumbling something about the Mrs. Robinson scenario. I tried to explain about my missionary wishes and all he replied with was that he didn’t care what position I liked…”

Though not the right time to be addressing such scandalous issues, Hillary Clinton agreed to talk provided we not break the news until after the Presidential campaign was over. We crossed our fingers and said yes and now provide you with this:

Hillary: I told Bill I’d get back at him for that whole Monica instance!VE investigator: How did he first approach you?Hillary: He wanted to insert himself more intimately into the democratic landscapeVE investigator: And how was his political prowness?Hillary: He could cum up with some interesting positions on stuff

We also found evidence in the North Dakota country records office that he and Pamela Anderson had a mock marriage for 27 seconds during a sex taping. Though the tape hasn’t made it to the public (rumor has it that it languishes in Rob’s Swiss Vault along with the 32,000 other women he’s slept with and video taped) there clearly was evidence of wrong doing. VE Investigators are substantiating the marriage license which was scribbled in crayon and signed with lip stick and semen. Quoted one official we talked with “It’s not your usual license by any means, but we just get so many crazy celebrities out here in Northern North Dakota…”..

Ongoing investigations are still being conducted over rumors of illicit activities with the following:

20 comments:

Nanny's kind of cute so I guess I can't blame Rob too much on that count. And I'm sure he was very young and living out a fantasy during the Mother Teresa incident. Baaaad, but if she forgave him, so can I. If, however, he was baaaad with Rosie and/or Amy, I think he oughta be clipped.:)

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