243. I got a boyfriend!

RETRO JENNY
A quick trip back to pre-DD Jenny. I was a vanilla housewife. College educated, worked for several years before I was fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, conventional sex life that did not leave me yearning. My sexual history was pretty unremarkable. Okay, so the skinny dipping and shaving party aside, it was pretty unremarkable.

ALONG CAME A SPIDER
Okay, not a spider. Then along came Domestic Discipline. When I first embraced the idea of DD, sexual exploration was not on my radar. It wasn’t about sex. So how did we get here?

DD required Mike and I to tear down everything we use to keep from each other — things as small as our pet peeves and peculiarities, to the big things – our thoughts, our dreams, and yes, our sexual desires. We basically opened up our “secret selves” to each other and the results were amazing.

It wasn’t just about sharing sexual desires. We shared our likes and dislikes about everything, unfiltered, without apology, and without trying to rationalize them. Sometimes dreams and desires aren’t rational. That’s part of the reason we are so reluctant to share them.

Through this sharing we truly became one – not in terms of sameness, but in terms of one complete and true understanding of each other. I see the “one you” in him and he sees the “one you” in me. Say what?

I WANT YOU, YOU, YOU!
I’ve read that there are three “you’s:”

The Private you. (The you you think you are).

The Public you. (The you as others see you).

The Secret You. (The you you REALLY are).

How sad that we often don’t let anyone into #3, even the people we love and trust the most. Maybe a peek, but full access? Not likely. Too much potential for judgement, perhaps even rejection. But keeping #3 secret can be toxic. Our unstated needs and desires can lead to passive aggressiveness or at least an unfulfilled feeling that may manifest itself in unhealthy ways. Perhaps an anxiousness, emptiness or unexplained yearning. We then may take on a number of bad habits to try to cope.

DD forced me to collapse my #3 and it was a bonus that Mike eventually collapsed his. We had to calibrate our needs, desires, and dreams to each other, forcing a merger of our #1 and #2. We became fully transparent to each other. We fully shared our complete “you” which was now “one you.” And we fully embrace, admire, cherish, respect, and love what the other has shared. As I have written before, we’ve become one, but not the same.

I believe this “ultimate” level of oneness has resulted in our highly identifying,..perhaps completely identifying..with the experiences of the other. We feel vicariously through each other, but it is deeper than just imagining. It is feeling, sensing, and rejoicing in the experiences of the other. I didn’t know such a thing existed, let alone would be possible. And this oneness is what has taken us places and continues to take us places.

WHERE IT TOOK US I never expected what was to come regarding John and Donna. I never expected to add another woman, let alone our former babysitter Kayla, to my relationship with my husband. I never expected the level of sexual exploration that Mike and I have taken. And now, I never expected to be attracted to another man.

I don’t state that with an ominous tone, so if your inner voice read it that way, read it again with a tone of wonderment and excitement. Because just like the other places our DD has taken us, I look upon this new development i wonder and excitement.

MATTAbout four and half months ago Mike “suggested” that I have sex with his friend Matt. I’ve known Matt casually for about 10 years – he used to work with Mike. I would see him at company functions and he and his then wife attended a party we threw at our house.

He divorced about two years ago, is 51, kids are grown and on their own. Since getting “re-acquainted,” I obviously have been able to get to know him better. At first I didn’t think anything noteworthy about him. He is quiet, reserved. Frankly, can be boring.

He has a quick, dry wit and is caring and compassionate. In a lot of ways he reminds me of how Mike used to be when we first got married. There is this “aw shucks” innocence, and this shyness that you pierce if you simply talk to him first.

While some of this is just the way he is – he was never known as having a boisterous personality – some of it is the situation. I mean, he is having sex with his friend’s wife with his friend’s permission. His awkwardness and seemingly lack of confidence was him simply trying to figure out exactly what Mike, or me, would allow him to do. He has since loosened up a little.

SEX WITH MATT
The first time we had sex was in his bedroom while Mike waited in the living room. The next time I had sex with him was when he joined us for some fun at John and Donna’s. He had sex with Kayla and I, but not Donna. John had only met him once before and felt he needed to know him better.

Matt’s been over to our house once where we had sex and Mike and I have been back to his apartment several more times. Mike has also stopped by Matt’s as part of a date night with Kayla. So Kayla and Matt have also had sex when I wasn’t around.

There were two times when all four of us were together – Mike and Matt would swap between Kayla and I, and me and Kaylawould also “entertain” them with some woman-on-woman play. So in other words – yeah, plenty of sex.

My favorite thing to do sexually with Matt is to be on the bed on my back, legs spread and dangling over the side. He is standing and entering me. Mike is behind me, often holding my arms above my head, watching and talking to me as Matt goes in and out.

At first, sex with Matt felt much like sex with John. More mechanical, more focused on my own pleasure and whether or not Mike was enjoying watching. Not really focused on Matt. Not emotionally connected to him.

But the way Mike was reacting…Mike was much more intimate, holding my hands or arms while Matt entered me. Mike talks a lot to me during it, and it is just all more intimate. I didn’t sense it at first, but Matt is part of that intimate feeling. Yes, the last couple of times I had sex with Matt I felt very connected to him.

GROWING ATTRACTIONI didn’t fully realize that I was attracted to him until a few weeks ago. Mike had a short out-of-town business trip – gone for just one night. He said he asked Matt if he would stay the night with me at our house. Matt would either leave before J got up or after J left for school. Matt couldn’t do it as he had a family commitment. I remember feeling so disappointed and it was in that disappointment that I realized I had feelings for Matt.

I found myself thinking about when we might get together next. I realized that I wanted to see him and could not wait for Mike to arrange the next rendezvous. What is more surprising to me than feeling attracted to Matt is that I didn’t hesitate to admit to it, whether to myself or Mike.

“Mike, I think I like Matt. Like, really like him. I am asking for your permission to go out with him.”

I wondered what was going on there….Matt’s name seemed to be included in a lot of your posts, but you hadn’t really talked about him in depth (until the post awhile back). Sounds like a very interesting turn of events! Also…thank you for bringing up the idea of the three you’s….something to ponder…