Realistically, I’d not turn down any woman not on food stamps, or if on food stamps, she should have an ample bosom, and barring all that, a woman with a decent TV and the NFL package. If she has no working utilities, just a vagina and a poor sense of picking the right guy. But on Golden Globes night, as Hollywood’s shiniest people circle jerk to self-adulation and poorly timed bumper music, I’m going to pretend I get to choose my romantic partners tonight.

So here’s a bunch of girls at the 2015 Golden Globes that I’d be willing to let collect my highly sought after spermatozoa in return for whatever I can snatch out of their Golden Globe gift bags while they’re in the bathroom swallowing a tin of morning after pills and ordering an Uber.

Dakota Johnson, Diane Kruger. Check. Lana Del Rey. I’d get in there. Heidi Klum could be my mom who digs incest and everyone just accepts it. How old’s that chick who played Annie again? Katherine Heigl needs a spanking. I’d probably take care of those cops keeping the non-religious specific terrorists at bay, They do a good job. Jennifer Lopez Interstellar boobs have solved gravity. Kate Mara’s not in here, she looks like a stuffed animal monkey. Leslie Mann I skipped. The thought of her coaximg me to heckle her gimp during sex makes me less than comfortable.