Wacky gifts for 2009

Are you one of those people who have noticed that each year your shopping list gets longer, while your tolerance for the recipients gets shorter?

Ron Johns

Are you one of those people who have noticed that each year your shopping list gets longer, while your tolerance for the recipients gets shorter?

Well, then you've stopped at the right story. This year's wacky gift list includes something for everyone – and by “everyone” I mean even those you would rather not spend valuable time or creative thought on.

Using this guide, those on the receiving end – from long-lost cousins and odd acquaintances, to geeks and your boss (who might be all of the former) – will think you've spent hours contemplating the perfect present.

Only you will know that you left the work to a team of experts who took upwards of three hours matching every possible personality to the 10 gifts below.

So here you go, and if you raise a few eyebrows and are excluded from future holiday gatherings, well, you can thank me later.

Sizable schnozzola
From the “I-can't-believe-I-didn't-think-of-that” department comes The Nose Shower Gel Dispenser. Both sleek and stylish, this dispenser measure 9 inches in height and attaches easily to any flat surface with suction cups. Sure, some may turn their nose up at such a practical gift, but it just may turn out to be this year's winning pick.
$14.95
www.baronbob.com

A brief encounterwith nature
While there are some squirrels that dress appropriately when out in public, for the most part these little buggers are scurrying about in the buff – oblivious to the local decency laws. Enter Squirrel Underpants. Snapping a pair on is an ingenious way to grant these critters a little dignity while getting yourself that gaping wound that only comes from cornering a wild animal. The tiny briefs are made of 100 percent cotton with a 3-inch waist (bandages and gauze are sold separately).
$5.95
www.baronbob.com

Bottoms up
With Gin & Titonic party ice cubes, getting that sinking feeling takes on a whole new meaning. Just gather your guests, add liquor and stare uncomfortably at your glass as you wonder whether Hindenburg candle holders would have been in better taste. The cube tray makes eight cubes – four ocean liners and four icebergs.
$6.95
www.baronbob.com

Confidence is in|the bag
Anti-Theft Lunch Bags are the perfect deterrent against workplace fridge thieves; no more cursing the bandit who absconded with your meatloaf and bologna sandwich. These bags have green splotches printed on both sides, making your freshly prepared lunch look spoiled. With the perfect smokescreen in place, you can rest assured your meal will make it to the noon hour untouched. The bags are made of food-safe reusable and recyclable low-density polyethylene and are sandwich size. 25 bags per box.
$9.99
www.findgift.com/Gift-Types/Wacky

Best of both bad habits
For those who smoke and drink coffee, here's an ingenious way to get the best of both worlds without all that tar, nicotine and those constant sprints to the bathroom. SurgeStix are shaped like cigarettes, but they contain a caffeine solution instead of tobacco. Simply bend the stick to release the solution. With each puff, you'll inhale about 18mg of caffeine. Each stick contains about 180mg – more than a strong cup of coffee.
$4.99
www.thinkgeek.com

Your finger on the button
At some point, USB hubs went from being practical to being desktop showpieces. But the USB Doomsday Device will be appreciated by those who don’t even have a clue what a USB hub is. Just think, with this contraption, you have the power to activate and launch an imaginary missile barrage of any size toward any adversary. The mental-health benefits alone make it worth the $39.99 price tag.
$39.99
www.thinkgeek.com

Poor fashion sense you have
Either this is the coolest Star Wars accessory ever or it’s the creepiest. The Yoda Plush Backpack is adjustable and sized for adults. For Star Wars enthusiasts, this officially licensed bag will hold all of your light sabers and space rations while inspiring envy in every sci-fi fan you meet. To everyone else, it will appear that you have a scary old man adhered to your back.
$34.99
www.thinkgeek.com

Scent without satisfaction
Even among the oddest of gift ideas, there should be at least one that you would actually consider purchasing. This year, the Hershey's Syrup Genuine Chocolate Flavor Candle is it. Perfect for chocolate lovers, this (non-edible) candle has a burn time of 35-40 hours. So light-up and fill your home with the aroma of homemade brownies, then sit back and watch family and friends try to ferret out the chocolate satisfaction.
$9.95
www.baronbob.com

Save me the head
For those who enjoy serving holiday guests a healthy portion of discomfort, I give you the Crawling Zombie Torso Gelatin Mold. While a crawling zombie dessert is odd at any time of year, it's especially inappropriate decorated with a Santa cap and placed alongside grandma's homemade cookies. Add food coloring and evaporated milk for an extra dose of nausea. So serve it up, sit back and enjoy the festivities – ‘cause you’ll be celebrating alone next year.
$14.99
www.hipstergifts.com

Shake, rattle and roll
What kind of holiday would it be without some sort of Elvis presence? This year's offering is a spin on the classic dice game Yahtzee. Just picture the game you've always known with custom dice and playing pieces. Not much of a change, but it does fulfill our 2009 Elvis-related product requirement.
$19.95
www.amazon.com