Thursday, July 24, 2008

"Yankees FUCKING Suck" (Is That Better?)

Heeeere we go again.... I was just over at Cyn's blog, and it turns out some Boston Globe writer has had the completely original thought of telling us all how "classy" Derek Jeter is and how much he "respects" him and how Sox fans shouldn't chant "Yankees Suck." Slow....sarcastic......clap.....

By 2008, I'd think an article like that would be reserved for the Onion. But apparently it's real.

You know what one of his examples of Jeter's "classiness" is? (Yes, I'm totally serious--he's still using the C word as if he were the first to notice it: I've, uh, been observing this Yankee squad and I've surmised they play with a certain level of class... Shut the fuck up.) Anyway, he points to Derek being in the on deck circle and talking to the kids in the crowd.

Let me get this straight. If Manny does anything, literally anything, that shows he's a human being or, god forbid, wants to have fun playing the game, the stiff-collared, whitebread portion of the American baseball fanbase is "up in arms." "I can't take it anymore! He should be fined, suspended, and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and his hair forcibly cut, and his uniform tailored to something more like the way I wear MY clothes!"

But fucking Derek Jeter talks to the fans during the game and I'm supposed to bow down and kiss his ass for showing me how to be classy and respectable? And I have to hear this from the Boston media??

Look, if I want my kids to catch pop-ups with one hand, sell calls at second by holding his glove up really high as if the runner couldn't possibly have been safe, jack-knife his leg on every pitch to try and fool the umpire, miss every ground ball to his left, fist the ball to the opposite field like a kid who found a way to trick the pinball machine into giving him free games, and just generally be overrated both in life and on the field, I'll introduce him to Derek Jeter. But I'll KILL MYSELF before I do that.

As for "Yankees Suck," why wouldn't I chant derisive terms at the team I hate? Who the fuck are you trying to impress by not saying it? Yankee fans? You think they'd "respect" you more? Does it even matter? Do you want them to dub you a "true Yankee?" Not chanting horrible things at them is step one. Go ahead. Yell "I respect the Yanks" over and over at Fenway Park. The 12 other newspaper guys will commend you--while 35,000 real fans kick the living shit out of you.

I love that this article came out now--in my book, I talk about it in the first chapter. It's almost exact--the blogger character says how he's not there to talk about how much he "respects" Derek Jeter because he's not "auditioning for the Boston Globe." Who would've thought Globe reporters are still bending over for ol' classy Derek?

Okay, at this point in my post, I held my breath and read the article. Wow, this Kevin Cullen dude has a serious inferiority complex. He doesn't want to say "Yankees Suck" because he doesn't want to sound like a "local yokel." (He also accuses me of being drunk and stupid--I've never had a drink in my life and I'm smart enough to know that it's okay to hate your rival.) I think he really is feeling the pressure from Yankee fans. That's how they trick you, Kevin. They're looking for an edge in this rivalry, and they'll bring "class" into it in a heartbeat. I grew up around these people--they don't want to hear that their team "sucks," so they'll make YOU out to be the asshole if you say they do. It's like Sox fans are women and Yankee fans are men: They'll say, Hey, take off your top and I'll "respect" you. What are you gonna do, Kevin? You gonna take off your top? You want them to love YOU the most? You want them to go back to New York City and say, Hey, that Boston ain't so bad--let's all start saying that the two cities are totally equal in every way? It's not gonna happen, Kevin. They're all gonna laugh at you. When Yankee fans start pressuring you, you tell them to shove it up their choking asses, remind them who the World Champions are, and say, loud and clear, "Yankees suck."

yankees suck? No...the yankees FUCKING suck. How I wish I could find a shirt that says the same including the all important middle word but alas I have had no such luck. Could it be that even yankee haters try to be PC? Such a shame.