First things first, I'll drop the bombshell... I'm not really that much of a Simpsons fan. My last name is in fact Grimes, and around the time I went to college several Simpsons fans (who coincidentally were also assholes) decided to stick the name on me.

But I did see The Simpsons Movie this weekend, and I was a little disappointed. I thought that after eighteen years on television, the movie would be a little more spectacular and hilarious, but there was nothing in that movie funnier than the first three minutes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters.

(By the way, Bart, indecent exposure is a class 2 felony.)

So there you have it, futuremrsrickankiel... you can't say that I don't do requests. And here's a little something extra....

Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen was dismissed from his team and dropped from the race for "violating [the team's] internal rules." Rasmussen missed two drug tests in June, claiming he was in Mexico, when a former rider's best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Rasmussen pass out at 31 Flavors in Italy. I guess it's pretty serious.

For those of you scoring at home, this moves American Levi Leipheimer of team Discovery Channel up to third place in the standings, only three minutes outside the lead. My guess is he will probably end up the winner after tour officials find a live cheetah hooked up to IVs in Alberto Contador's hotel room during Stage 18, and then later discover Cadel Evans is actually banned rider Ivan Basso wearing a Scooby-Doo style mask.

I'm sure that another American winning their Tour will make the French happy.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

This is Alexandre Vinokourov, one time favorite to win the Tour de France for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan. Today his team, Astana, pulled out of the race after Vinokourov's positive test for an illegal blood transfusion.

This means that three of the four Kazakhs participating in the Tour are now out of the race. But for those who still want to make Borat jokes, there's still Dmitriy Fofonov, who is currently 40 minutes behind the leader. Great success!

David Beckham made his debut for the Los Angeles Galaxy Saturday night in a friendly against FA Cup winners Chelsea.

Chelsea won the match 1-0 in a game that was really not as close as the score indicated. The Galaxy did not seem to have many scoring chances at all, and the few they had they squandered. (Just like watching the USA in the World Cup!)

You don't really need to pay David Beckham $250 million to lose 1-0 to Chelsea. You do, however, need to pay David Beckham $250 million to get this many fans and media to show up.

(By the way, Posh Spice, Eva Longoria, and Katie Holmes were all in the same box at a soccer game for at least two hours. This is the recipe for some of the worst conversations of all time. We can all thank God they weren't miked up.)

(Also, I was secretly hoping that Posh Spice would get caught on camera doing blow at some point during the game.)

I honestly didn't think that Beckham would see playing time, but sure enough, with about twelve minutes left in the game, here comes Becks....

... and then, minutes later, down goes Becks.

In the end, everything turned out okay. The Galaxy earned a hard-fought loss against an actual quality football club soccer team. David Beckham got to perform in front of his new fans, and his ankle didn't fall off.

I'm guessing that now Beckham will be able to rest up his ankle, and start acclimating to the life of a professional athlete living in the United States.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The next time you're at Supercuts, waiting to get your hair did, rummage around the magazines and find the latest copy of Essence magazine. This month, Essence lists its "Do Right Men" for 2007, which includes current and former NFL players who most likely have absolutely nothing to do with illegal dogfighting.

First up, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Braylon Edwards, whose hands look smooth after two years of not catching footballs.

Next up, former Philadelphia Eagles linebacker Dhani Jones, showing off his love of underwater Indian music.

And finally New York Jets defensive back Kerry Rhodes, who, like myself, has a new favorite show on HBO.

Not even a week has passed since I started this blog, and already people think they can make these LOLjocks pics better than me. Just this morning, reader the chief sent this nugget from yesterday's Deadspin post about Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo getting his karaoke on:

Whenever Yang had someone all-in, and he was ahead in the hand, he would literally start yelling out prayers to God begging that his top pair would hold up. There were times where I thought he was speaking in tongues at the table (although that was probably just Thai).

Anyway, kids, just remember: go to church every Sunday, say your prayers before you go to bed, and you too can hit a runner-runner straight and win a shitload of scrilla.

Update: I just realized that most of you aren't going to see the replay of this final table for about a month... but believe me, the ESPN telecast will play out like an insanely ironic Jack Chick tract.