post partum anxiety

The kids fought nearly the whole day, the restaurant we chose for a late lunch served up awful service and sub-par salads. Nothing went as planned. Heck, nothing really was planned. I spent the 2nd half of the day taking a nap in an effort to restart. When I woke, I just wanted to forget it was Mother’s Day altogether.

But it wasn’t the expectations, the arguments, or the long waits for food that angered me. Granted, they agitated me, but what really angered me, what made me want to cry was how badly all that affected me because of my postpartum anxiety.

I. Am. Mad. that postpartum anxiety, something that’s already making motherhood difficult for me, made my Mother’s Day a wash.

I lapsed on taking my meds because my prescription ran out. I took my last dose on Wednesday, got a refill after an appointment on Thursday, but then there was a tornado warning, and then there was Friday (which was just nuts), and then Kendall’s birthday party on Saturday. By Sunday literally all I wanted for Mothers Day was to quickly get to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and a relatively relaxing lunch.

I was so wound up, so jumpy, and everything was so…. loud at that point, that it was nearly impossible to relax. Add to that all the little hiccups that I’m usually able to roll with (or at least not actually lose my mind over), and it was a recipe for disaster.

Then there was the guilt for feeling this way, for just wanting the day to not be about me, when just the sound of my children’s voices made me tense up. There was guilt for not being able to just get over it, to appreciate this day for what it is- another day with my family, which is something I always try to be grateful for… or at least see the silver lining.

Today is looking better. Tomorrow will be even more improved, I’m sure. And the next day? I’m asking for a Mothers Day makeup because I will NOT let that PPA bitch take it away from me.