The Vampire Diaries: I’m going to teach you

Tyler is sleeping the fluffy puppy sleep of the unconcerned. The hunter who shot him in church in front of the entire town wouldn’t possibly come after him in the hospital. This boy is lucky he’s handsome and has a smart girlfriend. Tyler gets the drop on Connor as he comes into the hospital room, but he has a syringe at the ready. The paralytic agent incapacitates Tyler long enough for Connor to insert a hellalong needle into one of his fangs and extract several cc’s of werewolf venom. I’m not super squeamish about needles, but I’d rather watch Elena puke up an entire forest of woodland creatures than watch this scene again, so moving on. Tyler gets home to find a detachment of hybrids waiting for him. They’re his new bodyguards, courtesy of Klaus. “You hybrids are a dying breed. I won’t have anyone taking liberties with the ones I have left.”

There’s one visitor Tyler is delighted to see – Haley, or as @95Sports has been calling her and now she shall ever be: Werewolf Phoebe Tonkin with a Terrible American Accent (that I will probably still call by her Secret Circle (great day that show was a snooze how was it that it had the exact same DNA as TVD and yet was so bad) name Fae from time to time, but will at some point end up splitting the difference for brevity’s sake and calling Phaley), so. After she chained him up all over the Appalachians, talked him through every turn, and helped him break the sire bond the least he could have done was call and let her know he was alive. And wealthy. She’ll settle for some “fancy rich people Scotch” for now. Also, they totally had the Appalachian wolf pack sexy times, the knowledge of which Klaus is going to use to break up Tyler and Caroline and win her for his own.

Stefan starts the day by tuning up his motorcycle. He has a motorcycle now. Given how difficult Elena’s transition has been he wants to help her have a little fun. “Oh. Those who can’t do, teach.” Boone is looking forward to his lunch date. “[Connor] has vampire poison in a bottle. I’m gonna find him and I’m gonna eat him.” Then he’s going to leave town. That was the deal, right? Stefan punching him was kind of a clue that he’s not wanted. No, that was Stefan making a new rule. To paraphrase Dean Winchester, you have blood sex with my girlfriend, you get punched.

Matt feels a little weird meeting Elena for a quick bite at their old make out spot, but he’s happy to help her. His blood is the only thing she’s been able to keep down. I just think it’s weird that she’s feeding out in the open. What she takes from Matt isn’t enough, but she’s afraid if she takes any more she wouldn’t be able to stop. The first bell rings and Matt walks her to class. Connor knows she’s connected to Boone, so school is where she needs to be. And it’s where she wants to be. “It’s my senior year. I survived this long. There’s no way I’m bailing before graduation.” Elena and Stefan take their seats in history. It’s their first time back in Alaric’s classroom since he died. First period and Elena is ready to bawl her eyes out. Grief fades when Rebekah saunters into the room. She’s spreading the word about her anti-curfew party. “Starts in fifth period, goes to whenever.” She and Elena hiss and spit at each other until Rebekah snarks about killing Alaric. Elena flings a pencil at her eye. Rebekah grabs it midair and sends it right back, embedding it in Elena’s shoulder.

Elena storms out of class, consumed with blinding hatred for Rebekah plus an extra cherry on top of hate for hating her. Stefan tells her to breathe and shoos her into the ladies room to clean up. Classmate Heather comes to check on her. Rebekah sent her. Heather takes her hand away from her neck exposing the bloody bite mark. The Original walks in behind her. She runs a finger through the blood and then wipes it across Elena’s lips. Elena angrily slaps Rebekah’s hand away. She shouldn’t be here! “This is my school! It’s my life, and I’m not going to let you ruin it!” How inconvenient then that there’s a vampire hunter roaming the halls of Elena’s school. Rebekah smears Elena’s face with blood and she instantly vamps out.

Rebekah walks up to Matt at his locker between classes. She tries to make nice and explain her side of the whole running them off the bridge thing. All she gets in return is a silent, withering glare of bottomless pain and anger that would make Dean proud. Even Sam’s B-face is impressed. Hashtag Lost Winchester.

Jeremy is in an empty classroom with Connor. Are we surprised that the school’s commitment to student safety is as lax as its commitment to educating them? Connor rolls up his sleeve and explains he’s taking an interest because Jeremy saw his tattoo. It’s a hunter’s mark. And it’s invisible “to anyone but another hunter – or potential hunter. Find me a vampire. I’ll train you.” Yes. I support this turn of events for Jeremy. I do not support Connor accosting Matt in the hall. He pulls the bandage off Matt’s wrist, slams him up against the wall, and holds a knife to his throat. I didn’t have particularly strong feelings about Connor before, but now? DEATH!! DEATH TO HE WHO WOULD HARM QB1 !!! “Tell me which one of your high school friends is a blood sucker.” Matt gives up Rebekah. Connor assures Matt that when he wakes up from the concussion the hunter is about to give him, Rebekah will be long gone. DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Boone checks out the mobile command and is happy to find that Jesus RV’s don’t fall under the invite clause. Connor has taken precautions though. Boone is hit with two arrows, each of which are attached to the pin of a claymore mine. Remember: front toward enemy. Not to worry though, Dr. Fell. It’s not a bomb. “It’s a kitten. It’s an adorable exploding kitten.” Boone would have called Stefan but he didn’t because he’s proud and stubborn and Meredith is already here. She goes to work on the arrow and compliments Boone on acting like it doesn’t suck that he’s attached to a bomb while Stefan is off playing vampire with the girl who broke his heart.

Stefan convinces Elena to blow off the rest of the school day. She decides they’re going to the curfew party to make a point. That point being that Rebekah is better at being a mean girl than Elena is. The Original snakes Elena’s super special ring of not bursting into flame from her finger and drops it down the garbage disposal. Elena shoves her hand down the sink after it and somehow manages not to lose any fingers in the process. What? Sorcery. As soon as her skin stops sizzling, Elena grabs the white oak stake out of her purse. ELENA STABBY WITH RAGE! Stefan won’t stop her if killing Rebekah is what she really wants. It will feel good for a moment and then tens of thousands of vampires will begin to die. Rage is a powerful emotion, but guilt is stronger. “It’ll destroy you.” You two need to sack up, seriously. Elena relents and decides that an unassisted keg stand perfectly executed to the cheers of her underage classmates is the best revenge. Stefan then takes her for a ride on his motorcycle. I’m glad The CW was able to get some more use out of the Ringer green screen. Elena reenacts the truck surfing scene from Footloose, finally letting go and enjoying being a vampire. After their ride they go home for a ride, but seeing as the scene is set to that Windows 8 song it’s kind of a mood killer. I’m a Mac girl. Also a mood killer? Hallucinating your boyfriend’s brother’s face because all that beer you drank at the party was laced with werewolf venom.

Rebekah isn’t feeling too shiny either. Matt finds her sitting alone in her bedroom. She was nice enough to explain why she ran him off the bridge, so the least he can do is tell her how he feels. “The truth is Rebekah, I think you’re amazing. You’ve had a 1,000 years to learn. To grow. To start fresh … and somehow you’ve managed to throw it all away. Now you’re alone. You’re compelling your friends. Your brother hates you. You whine about not finding love? The reason you don’t find love is because you don’t deserve it.” Rebekah rips Matt’s heart out of his chest and I’M NOT GOING TO FREAK OUT BECAUSE THIS IS CLEARLY A HALLUCINATION. IT’S A HALLUCINATION, DAMMIT. Yup. Hallucination.

You can have your little games Show, but don’t make me take my earrings off. I know where you live.

Rebekah fitfully dozes until April comes into the room. “Picking up trash is better than sitting at home alone thinking about the family you no longer have.” Seriously, is the town motto of Mystic Falls, ‘Poor orphans. I’m sure they’ll be fine’? Anyhoo, Rebekah gets it. She offers to help April look into what really happened at the farm house. April would be surprised the resources at her disposal.

Jeremy meets Connor at the Jesus RV and leads him into A TRAP at the hospital. The hunter thinks he’s there to interrogate Meredith about her vampire blood connection. He’s actually hoist with his own petard. “Stings, donnit?” Sure Boone and Klaus are going to kill him, but they at least want to get to know him first. “Where you’re from, whatdya know, maybe you can clue me in on this ‘greater evil’, because I thought this guy [points at Klaus]? There’s nothing more evil than that.”

“Yeah, truth be told, I’m as evil as it gets.”

Show is making a winning case for the bromance of Klaus and Boone. Carry on.

Connor Obi-Wans that, even if they kill him, another hunter is waiting to take his place. Boone rates vague threats right up there with ominous prophesies and disappearing tattoos. Invisible tattoo you say? This was all just a bit of fun for Klaus, but now he’s curious. He turns serious when Connor tries to stake him and he sees the sigil cut into the wood. “You’re one of the Five.” That’s Connor’s cue to trip the wire and detonate the mortars. Boone flings himself out of the room just ahead of the massive fire ball. Mrs. Mayor isn’t thrilled with the method, but can’t complain about the result. Jeremy is also delighted to have helped. “See, I told you I could be a badass.”

“Ssh. Badasses don’t say that.”

Dr. Fell is especially cranky that Boone blew up her hospital. She’s not going to be his girl!Alaric. “Fix things with Stefan and Elena. Don’t let your pride leave you all alone.”

Elena is still hanging on, but drifting in and out. She surfaces, imagining she sees Boone sitting on the bed next to her, and wonders why she’s thinking about him. “Because you’re a vampire now. And a part of you knows you’re a lot more like me than you are like him.” Klaus arrives, unscathed by the explosion, and snarking at Stefan that one voicemail is just as effective as nine. A few hours ago he wouldn’t have cared, but now, Elena may be of use to him after all. After a refreshing draught of Klaus’s anti-venom blood (which, does that count as blood sex?) Elena heads home. Matt comes by to offer profuse apologies for accidentally putting her in Connor’s path. He rolls up his sleeve while she angsts about the extremes Rebekah brings out in her. “That’s not me. At least, it didn’t used to be.” She’s experiencing violent thoughts and images that she can’t get out of her mind. “It’s all driven by one simple thing.” She bites into Matt’s wrist and can’t stop. He struggles and cries out to her but she’s totally focused on the feed. Boone swoops in and pulls her off before she drains Matt. As with April before, it takes a moment for Elena to snap out of the blood high. Once she does, she’s consumed with guilt and remorse. Boone glahmuhs Matt and sends him home. He reassures Elena that she didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. “You’re a vampire now. You just have to learn the right way to be one.”

“And I’m going to teach you.”

Stefan needs someone to talk to, so naturally he calls Caroline, town spirit animal. He asks if she remembers what she was like before she turned. “You mean an insecure control freak? Yeah” Stefan reflects that Caroline grew in to herself as a vampire. She changed – and so is Elena. He wants her to enjoy it and doesn’t want to hold her back – but – he doesn’t know how to be around her and resist the urge to become him. “The Ripper.” It’s not exactly something he can talk to Boone about … and Caroline is so good at being a vampire. Caroline reminds Stefan that he was the one who helped her through her transition. She’s good at it because of him. “Come to me. Whenever you want. I won’t let you lose control.” TEAM CAROLINE!

Connor wakes up back in his Jesus RV neither dead nor crispy. Congratulations. He just became worth more to Klaus alive than dead. He’s surprised that Connor doesn’t know his own history. “Let’s just say it’s made you the most well protected vampire hunter in town.