Taking the Spiritual Dive

Mikvah for the thoroughly modern woman

I began my married life with a non-Jewish husband, an ambitious nature, a college degree, and a bit of an attitude. Sure, I was a spiritual person, although I couldn't define spirituality for you, except to say it was a character trait that you either had or didn't have. It was something you just felt. It meant being a good person and having the ability to empathize when something bad happened, the ability to make a nice toast at Thanksgiving, the ability to feel sad at a sad movie. That didn't have anything to do with God, right?

In his 30's my husband, a business executive, had a premature mid-life crisis. Unlike some men, my husband's crisis was one of faith and spirituality (there is that word again) and did not include a red sports car. My husband found Judaism and was searching a spiritual path that would eventually lead to a Conservative and then an Orthodox conversion.

In beginning my own spiritual quest, I found myself sitting unexpectedly with two women who were learning with an Orthodox rebbetzin about the Mikvah, the Jewish ritual bath. I was there by accident. I didn't pick the topic. At first, I really had no idea what we were learning. I liked the rebbetzin. Very quickly, I found l liked the women.

Like me, these women were not from religious backgrounds. They were smart and funny, and we laughed our way through this intimate class. We were discussing our spiritual love lives. It was not unlike an episode of a certain infamous TV show set in New York City. We were just four women talking. Sure, we were not drinking Cosmopolitans and we were sitting in a shul, but hey, we were being real and there were no cameras recording us.

JUST SAY NO

I was being introduced to an ancient approach to marital harmony -- a truly kosher approach to intimacy: the mitzvah of Taharat HaMishpacha or Family Purity. It wasn't at all what I thought. It didn't include any of the angry repressive ideas that I had heard about from my grandmother. It was a loving approach to intimacy that did not demean the participants or generate guilty feelings about our bodies. What a revelation.

I kept repeating that I was there just for the learning and the company, not for the how-to part.

Simply put, it's a system of some "no physical contact" days every month during the time a woman menstruates plus another seven days, followed by immersion in the waters of the mikvah. That means a minimum of 12 days without any touching. Oy. That's a long time. Why would a modern, married woman impose such a system on herself, not to mention her "happy-with-the-way-it-is-now" husband? Limiting physical intimacy, at first, seems counterproductive. How would it affect my marriage?

For several weeks, the four of us gathered in the shul to learn about the mitzvah. None of us had committed to actually going into the mikvah. I kept repeating that I was there just for the learning and the company, not for the how-to part. Um, I don't need this stuff thank you, but it started to sound good.

Then there was learning all the information about the mikvah dip itself. I went to see the mikvah in our community and it was beautiful. It wasn't like a black pit under the shul; it was like a women's spa.

The claim was that Taharat HaMishpacha did wonders in recapturing the magic of being newlyweds and maintaining freshness and romance in marriage. Eventually I was intrigued enough to decide to take the plunge.

NO ONE IS GOING TO GET HURT

I took a leap in this part of my journey to decide to follow the rules of this mitzvah, even though I didn't comprehend them. I knew it was something I'd have to first experience in order to gain some kind of understanding. This difficult leap was made easier because I was exploring a mitzvah that involved only me and my encouraging, supportive husband. No one else needed to know, and no one was going to get hurt if I kept an open mind and learned.

The religious women I met weren't prudish ladies who dressed in the closet. They loved their husbands and their lives, and they were going once a month to the mikvah.

Maybe I could give it a try.

Somehow, this is not restricting, but actually freeing.

With the physical aspect of our relationship sidelined during these days, we are limited to talking. What a concept. So we talk. This is great. There are no false hopes being raised, we both understand and are committed to the boundaries that observing this mitzvah has set. Somehow, this is not restricting, but actually freeing. We are free to talk into the night about our goals and dreams. We are free to express our love without demonstrating it physically.

At the end of the separation days, comes the big day -- or rather the big night -- when the woman goes into the mikvah. Before she can immerse herself in the spiritual waters of the mikvah, she must make sure that there is nothing on her body to separate herself from the experience of the enveloping water. She removes all makeup, jewelry, and nail polish, and soaks in a bath, becoming completely clean. The final step before the mikvah is a shower, hair washing and combing.

The preparations reminded me of preparing for a big date -- the attention to the physical connecting me to my body in a very powerful way. I work out all the time, but I never pay this much attention to myself, except to be critical.

The idea of removing physical barriers to the water caused me to reflect on the physical and emotional barriers that we put in our lives that can keep us separate from our spouses. I thought about things like the TV, the computer, the blackberry, and the phones as well as psychological barriers to intimacy, like feeling fat or somehow undesirable that can keep me separate from my husband and how I can take action to eliminate these things. And how by being open to learning about the mikvah, I had already taken the first step.

Far from being repressive, this is pampering as tradition and ritual, physical self-involvement as part of a spiritual quest. That works for me.

Human beings are different than animals. We can make choices and not act purely on instinct. We can elevate all our physical actions by bringing God into the picture and making them holy. The Taharat HaMishpacha laws enable us to bring God into the bedroom.

My experiment culminated with a mikvah dive that allowed me to experience the warm mikvah water as God's own embrace. Bringing God into the most intimate area of my life has made me eager to take on more mitzvot.

Visitor Comments: 20

Obviously this mitzvah is designed for married women in their child bearing years. What about women who are post-menopausal?

(12)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2010 6:40 PM

Thank You!

A message form your local Aish Mikvah attendant - thank you for sharing and know how very precious your time with us is!
Keep up the great efforts, along with the simcah that you so clearly share with your mitzvos!

(11)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2007 8:16 PM

Response to Anonymours Re: Not Touching at All

One reason that all touching is completely forbidden is because of the understanding that for a woman merely touching can be enough, but for a man if is difficult to stop at merely touching. In recognition of the challenge this would be for the her husband, the sensitive wife refrains from all touch, so as not to make things more difficult for him. (This is in addition to the aspect that this commandment is G-d given, and therefore, we need to keep all the rules, whether we agree with them or enjoy them or not.) Additionally, for the woman, as well, refraining completely from all touching makes every aspect of the physical relationship that much more meaningful when it is permitted.

(10)
Anonymous,
November 27, 2006 8:11 PM

i just wanted to say thank you.

(9)
LebehSarah,
September 7, 2006 10:45 PM

Beautiful tradition

I enjoyed your article very much and found it thought-provoking as well as beautiful. I particulary enjoyed your description of yourself and of your life at the beginning of the article as a non-observant woman. I can relate to that because as a conservative/conservadox Jew, I find myself wanting to take on more mitzvot. I'd love to keep Shabbas. I'm away at college now and there is a Hillel and a kosher dining hall here so I can keep Shabbas but it is hard. I try hard though and sometimes make it through. When I do, I definitely find myself more relaxed and in tune with myself. After I finish college this May, however, it will be near impossible to keep Shabbas. My parents are conservative but they might as well be reform. They go to Shabbas Friday night and then that's it. They don't go to shul Sat. morning. They completely ignore Havdallah! I was the same way and I never used to care. But now I do care. Very much.

I would love to go to the Mikvah when I'm ready (I'm 22 and single) but I'm not at that stage of my life yet. Baruch Hashem I find my bashert and we are both happy together. Then I will look into it.

Wonderful article. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Anonymous,
May 19, 2013 4:32 PM

Wow!
I'm always inspired when I hear of others who are growing in Judaism and looking to do things the right way - even when they are not within the norms of their society...
I lived in Moscow last year (I'm from Canada) as a volunteer in the Jewish community, working with teenage girls - both non-religious and girls who are becoming religious. It's amazing to see how badly they want to keep the laws of Judaism and they want to do what's right - even when their family tells them not to...
We have girls telling us how they lock themselves in their rooms for the entire Shabbat so they don't have to do melacha. If they're lucky, they can light candles and find grapejuice and rolls for a seuda. Sometimes, a family member will come in and yell, blow out the candles, etc... and sometimes they can get away with it.
I say this to give you chizzuk, encouragement - you are doing the right thing, so keep it up - and even when it's hard and you face disapproval, do what you know is right.
Remember, Judaism is NOT all or nothing. Do what you can and keep moving up.

Niki S.,
May 19, 2013 5:53 PM

Please live your life to its fullest

Your words are moving in their sincerity. It is hard. Will it help to know that any step you take -to live your life with the spirituality that speaks to you- you will never regret? Thousands have walked this path before you and have enriched their lives forever.

Keep growing!,
May 20, 2013 5:16 AM

Thanks for the article

I don't know where your from but there is probably a CHabad that can help you explore orthodox...you sound very inspiring!

Marilyn Nathan,
December 5, 2013 8:06 PM

Thanks for sharing

(8)
Anonymous,
August 31, 2006 4:08 PM

What a lovely idea to come back to intimacy with your husband after 12 days of monthly separation. One thing I don't understand is, why NO TOUCHING AT ALL? Not a dance, a touch of the hand or a goodnight kiss? Yes, the mitzvah says you don't. But isn't it about the intimacy portion of it all rather than being completely hands off? That would be the aspect of family purity that I would find difficult if not impossible to manage. (I am not married at this time.)

(7)
Anonymous,
August 31, 2006 2:40 PM

not always easy

I took on this mitzva 10 years ago as I was becoming observant. I was very deeply moved with the immersion itself, feeling connected to many generations of Jewish women.

It has served my marriage well, but the idea was not well received by my husband to say the least. It didn't take long for him to see how the rhythm of it put us in sync. The real mitzva is the delight a husband and wife take in each other and the timing of the mikvah is a gift.

It's not always easy to go out into the night and get to the mikvah though. What's valuable isn't always easy though, is it? I'm nearing menopause now so I try to treasure each imersion. I also take time while I'm in the water to say extra prayers.

For anyone who's already been through menopause, if you haven't ever been to the mikvah, it's not too late! You can still go just one time.

Anonymous,
May 20, 2013 9:22 PM

After menopause you can choose to go to mikve,every year on the eve of "YomKippur".Mikvah should be open on these days in daytime for that purpose,to let woman dip for purity on YomKippur.
The rules are a bit different,find out about it,by thr mikvalady.
Hatzlacha

(6)
Anonymous,
August 30, 2006 1:36 PM

missing mikvah

I have experienced the beauty of mikvah for the first year and a half of my marriage. The separation can be hard (especially b/c I get clingy with PMS during the time we can't touch) but it is worth it. I am now entering my 9th month of pregnancy, so it has been a while since I have been to the mikvah. I thought it would be so wonderful to be "free" of the "restrictions" of taharas hamishpacha, but... I really miss going to mikvah, and all of the intangible benefits that it brought to our marriage. I pray for a healthy baby, and look forward to the opportunity to observe this wonderful mikvah once again.

(5)
Anonymous,
August 28, 2006 12:00 AM

Great article!

I found this article easy to relate to. I've been doing family purity for the past two and a half years (since I got married). I was not raised Orthodox and still have a lot of spiritual growth to do. I love the mitzvah of Taharat Hamishpachot. I know it means that sometimes I can't dance with my husband at a wedding, or we can't sleep in the same bed while on a vacation (we try to time things out, but sometimes it doesn't work that way), but the end result is so worthwhile! We even took 6 weeks apart (physically) after the birth of our first child. After that, 2 weeks seems like not a big deal. The biggest hurdle is that I am still part of a secular society and feel that they wouldn't understand how special Taharat Hamishpachot is. It's also hard to watch my friends kiss their spouses/significant others during the times that we are physically separated. However, we communicate on such a deep level, as a result. We always find ways to touch each other emotionally. I am fortunate that I have a husband who isn't freaking out about going 2 weeks without physical intimacy. We plan to continue this for as long as we can.

(4)
Anonymous,
August 28, 2006 12:00 AM

Lucky you found a good mikva & teacher

I have moved to a community where I find it very hard to keep this mitzvah. You always have to make an appointment (rather than just showing up during open hours) and the attendant is very brusque. Every encounter with her makes me feel demeaned, and then I don't want to go home and be intimate with my husband.

Sara,
May 19, 2013 4:26 PM

This is not the way it is meant to be.
I'm sure that the attendant does not mean to come across like that - well, at least I hope she doesn't! - but this is definitely something you can and should bring up to the board / whoever runs the mikvah. If you don't feel comfortable speaking about this, perhaps your husband can do it on your behalf. Such a wonderful and special mitzvah should not bring up the emotions you are experiencing.
It is not okay! Now, go and do something about it :-)
Good luck!

Anonymous,
May 19, 2013 6:05 PM

Please don't be deterred

Please find a different mikvah-even if it's too far for regular use, it's important to know what it should be like. Your experience is not the norm, and a real shame.

(3)
rebecca,
August 28, 2006 12:00 AM

Lovely - poignant for me

I was diagniosed with uterine cancer last year. Baruch HaShem, it was completely removed when I had a hysterectomy. What surprised me the most - after the initial shock of being plunged headlong into an early and complete menopause at the age of 47 - was how much I missed obeserving this mitzvah. It was, as you so beautifully put it, a real source of growth and delight for our Jewish marriage, and one that kept that speacial spark burning between me and my husband. It can help a couple to understand what love really is - and how to love in a variety of ways: verbal, emotional, physical. It's an experience and practice that can only be understood first-hand, and I urge any woman who has not yet taken on this mitzvah to explore it further. I don't think I fully appreciated its beauty and absolute "rightness" until I didn't have it any more, and I miss it.

(2)
Beverly,
August 27, 2006 12:00 AM

Best we have ever had

We read Shmuley Boteach's _Kosher Sex_ and like you, he portrayed a different slant on the family purity laws. We tried them, waiting the 7 days after the end of the cycle. It was the absolute BEST we have ever had in 14 years of marriage. Once again, the Jews know best. Hollywood eat your heart out!!

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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