Month: April, 2014

Brisbane man, Geoff Stevens, has become the first person in history to catch and retain every single Pokémon available in the franchise’s six generations of games.

“It’s truly amazing,” he said. “People laughed at me when I told them I wanted to catch ‘em all.”

After thirteen years of playing Pokémon, Stevens caught the elusive Zubat to bring his combined total to 719. A feat unachieved by anyone to date.

Pokémon officials arrived from Japan shortly after the final catch to scan all 478 active ‘PC Boxes’ before the record was officially confirmed.

Pokémon fan, Naruto Yugi-oh, proclaimed him to be an international hero. “No one has ever done this before. He is an inspiration to the world.”

In 1998, Stevens purchased Pokémon: Blue Version with a Gameboy for his son, unaware it would irrevocably change his life forever.

“I just wanted to try it to see that it was okay for the young kid to play before I gave it to him. When I caught my first Pokémon, a Weedle Man, the rush I felt when the tiny Pokéball sealed shut was fantastic. It was better than sex.”

Stevens’ son Sammy never got his Gameboy that Christmas. “He never let me play it. If I did he’d ground me and make me look up Pokémon cheats on the computer or I wouldn’t get any dinner,” Sammy told The Gournalist.

Stevens’ rise to fame and glory wasn’t all smooth surfing. Midway through the second-generation game, Pokémon: Silver, his wife and children left him.

Two years later, during Stevens’ Pokémon: Ruby campaign, he was diagnosed with severe arthritis in his thumbs forcing him to retire from the game for eight months.

In spite of all this he kept going like a true master. Even the repossession of his home late last year couldn’t stop his insatiable hunger for more and more Pokémon.

“There were some setbacks, but it’s all been worth it. I could’ve given up when my family and friends left me, but now I’m a Pokémon Master, so all that doesn’t matter now.

Stevens is now expected to fly to Japan where he will be inducted as an honorary citizen and showcase his prized and unique collection of Pokémon.

Local Australian, Barry Fisher, has decided to purchase a 2013 model kangaroo to ride to work, because is so fed up with the stereotype of the average Australian riding kangaroos to work.

It is a common question asked by Americans if you’re from Australia: ‘Oh, you’re from Australia? Do you ride a kangaroo to work?’

Fisher, who occasionally visits America, has been asked this question at least ten times, and rather than deny riding a kangaroo to work, he’s embraced it

Fisher stated, “It seems they never learn. So why keep trying to correct them? I figured if I just did it, then it would be an easier conversation. When they ask me if I ride a kangaroo to work, I can just say, yes I do. It’s fuel efficient, reliable, and packs a lot of grunt.

This has started a trend and more and more Australians are opting for a kangaroo over a car, public transport, or walking.

Mining heiress Gina Rinehart has secured the purchase of one of Australia’s well-known landmarks, Uluru (also known as Ayers Rock).

In a bid to ‘mine the hell’ out of Australia and eventually the rest of the word, Reinhart believes that Uluru is one giant piece of coal that is worth up to US$400 billion dollars if mined.

Even though several politicians, geologists, whack-conspiracy-theorists, and local Aboriginal elders have told Reinhart specifically that it it’s just a sandstone rock that she can’t mine, she still has continued with the project

Reinhart has ignored all of these claims and has told everyone that they’re wrong and are out to ruin her chances of becoming the richest person to have ever lived, ever.

“It’s a shame it has to go,” Reinhart said. “But the world is in need of more coal and this big rock is just sitting around doing nothing.”

Reinhart is also planning to go over to Egypt in the next ten years to purchase the Pyramids of Giza as she believes that they can be mined and sold off to make her even more money.

In a tragic case of ‘easy come, easy go’, a baby who went missing several days ago was found alive and well in an abandoned house, until it was savagely eaten only minutes after by the police dog that found her.

The baby was allegedly kidnapped on Tuesday by known paedophile, Jimmy Cable, who took it back to his bushland hideout. Cable was viciously mauled and killed outside of his property by the dog, but police weren’t too fussed by the attack.

It was revealed that Jaws the police dog hadn’t been fed that morning ,which may have motivated the feeding frenzy.

“I knew I’d forgotten to do something that day,” said Constable Peter Clueless. “When I gave him the sample of the baby’s clothing for a sniff he started going crazy. I could barely keep him on the leash, and when he ate that pedo’s face off I thought, wow, he really is hungry today”.

“It had only really dawned on me that I forgot to feed him when I saw he had the baby in his mouth.”

“I turned round to see the other officers laughing at me and thought to myself, it’s just one of those days.”

When quizzed whether the situation could have been avoided, Clueless responded, “well, in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have let the dog sniff the only piece of the baby’s clothing that was covered in sausage meat, but you live and you learn.”

Jaws the dog is to be put down next week, but not before a last supper of convicted necrophiliacs.

The new edition is titled Holy Bible: Choose Your Own Adventure and will allow new and old readers alike to engage in riveting tales of love, horror, philosophy, Dan Brown-esque historical fact, and man exciting adventures that you could never dream of.

The Holy Bible: Choose Your Own Adventure teaches readers about love, friendship, and understanding, but it seems that no matter what adventure you choose, the end result is always Hell.

Gary Bishop of Brisbane Book Reviews stated, “after being totally engrossed in the book for 14 days straight and making sure I chose each adventure carefully, I’d always end up in hell. It seems that no matter what you do, regardless of whether you’re a good Christian or not, you’ll inevitably end up in Hell. Apart from that depressing realisation, it was brilliant.”

The Holy Bible: Choose Your Own Adventure has surpassed sales of the all the traditional editions and has sold over 600 trillion copies.

At 11.20 a.m. yesterday a group of four male exercise students in their early twenties were asphyxiated to death by their own clothing on QUT’s Kelvin Grove campus.

The group had left the gym only moments earlier and were looking to purchase some protein shakes when they simultaneously collapsed on the footpath.

Paramedics were quick to the scene but were unable to take off the victims’ “unbelievably tight shirts” to apply defibrillators.

Lifelong friend Bobby Robins said he had warned the group about their addiction to tight shirts and pants.

“I told them this would happen but they wouldn’t listen. At first they started buying the men’s extra small size. But it wasn’t enough for them. They wanted to go tighter and tighter. So they started buying the Boy’s Medium size and then the Boy’s Small Size. It was like I was looking at a bunch of nostalgic pedophiles. They thought that girls would love it, but they all just screamed and ran away.”

It is believed that shortly after the group collapsed, several IT students ran out of their cavernous computer labs and danced around their bodies while laughing nasally.

“This is the greatest day of our life. It’s people like this that beat us up in school. But now who’s laughing?” said IT nerd Winston Gates.

The IT students were later taken into custody by police to shield the public from their horrifically pale skin and awful ‘jeans and joggers’ combination.

In the past, most Australian universities have been placed quite low on the scale in comparison to other universities such as Harvard, Oxford, and Stanford.

This has all changed now with the government’s ingenious plan to increase student fees for every university in the nation.

Australian National University vice-chancellor, Ian Young, and his chancellor, former Labor minister, Gareth Evans have said, ‘Students should pay more. Technically speaking, if it’s more expensive, it therefore should be a lot better. I mean, think about it. What would you choose? A shitty $1500 Hyundai Excel or a $500,000+ Ferrari. I think most, if not all, would choose the Ferrari every time.’

With the increase in student fees, the University of Melbourne, Australian National University, and University of Queensland will top the charts internationally. The list has even seen the unprecedented inclusion of Queensland University of Technology, which is usually considered a “really expensive TAFE”.

Student fees will quadruple, which will inevitably see a decrease in enrollments from poverty-stricken high school students and artists, leaving them to enter into a trade, the fast food industry, or drug addiction.

In what has been described as the most dumbfounding moment in sporting history, several players from the Gold Coast Bouncers Rugby Club chose to ignore the advice of an alcoholic supporter during a match against the Sydney Pushers last night.

“He was just telling me to run wide the whole game. I was playing on the wing I couldn’t run any wider,” said winger Mitchell O’Connor.

“He told me I was a fuckup because I missed a tackle. How is that even advice?” said forward Cooper Beale.

The tactical mastermind at the centre of the scandal, Barry ‘Slammin’ Tinnies, was too hungover to comment on the issue this morning but his lawyer claimed he would be pressing charges.

The head coach of the Bouncers has since been stood down and replaced with Tinnies for the remainder of the season.

Early reports indicate local businessman, Mr. Wolf was on his way home from work when a group of children stopped him and asked for the time.

Despite running late for a dinner with his wife, and despite seeing that all the children were all carrying iPhones, Mr. Wolf produced his pocket watch and told the children, ‘It’s 7:16.’ He then turned and hurried down the train platform.

As he was leaving the station he heard another child squeal behind him, ‘What’s the time Mr. Wolf?’ Thinking perhaps this child wasn’t with the others Mr. Wolf again produced his pocket watch and said, ‘It’s 7.17. You really should be at home, darling.’

Mr. Wolf, who, according to a family friend, has to catch a train and a bus each evening, was waiting at the stop on Milton Rd when another child asked, ‘What’s the time Mr. Wolf?’

Angrily, Mr. Wolf turned on the child and said, ‘That’s quite enough, thank you.’ The child then withdrew a cattle prod from a friend’s backpack and sparked Mr. Wolf on the left calf.

Unfortunately for Mr. Wolf it was some time before anyone driving by stopped.

Eventually a truck driver who has asked to remain nameless pulled up and shooed the children away.

Mr. Wolf is in critical condition with a collapsed lung and severe internal hemorrhaging at The Wesley Hospital.

Police are calling for witnesses. In a statement this morning, Mr. Wolf’s wife said that aside from Mr. Wolf’s health, she was also praying for the safe return of the pocket watch, which was apparently a family heirloom.

The album Yay!!!!!!!!! and in particular its opening song, Life’s not too bad you know? drew a negative response of critic Sebastian Martin who wrote, ‘The purpose of art is not to uplift or bring joy, the purpose of art is to help people feel bad for themselves. My life is so fine. I have a wife who still looks alright. I have a kid that’s not too shit. I don’t want to have to turn on the radio and listen to music that enforces this point of view. I want my music to make me feel like a grumpy child. I want my music to cause me to go into the bedroom, throw the doona off my wife, and storm out without a word.’

Feet-knuckle Pete has consistently failed to match the early success of his debut record, Feeling a bit upset about my cat dying, and has since blamed its success for his current problems.

‘That record brought me so much money. I have like, four girlfriends, no five sorry. I have five girlfriends and money now. I tried breaking up with one of the girls for a week just so I’d have something to write about but then all my new friends came around and comforted me.’

Fans of Feet-knuckle Pete will recognise this anecdote as the inspiration for the track, My friends are nice and I like them a lot, especially Luke.

The album can be streamed on Spotify and tickets are still available to Feet-knuckle Pete’s stadium tour, Let’s hang out and talk about what’s good yeah through Ticketek.