Monthly Archives: April 2011

Demotivationals remind me of you, so does the cold chill of early spring. Your eyes are warm, I never knew what that meant until I looked into your eyes. Clear and bright, they shimmer with a brooding intelligence. You allow yourself to be underestimated, yet there’s a swagger to your demeanor. A cockiness I find irresistible. I hear your voice whispering in my ear as you hold me close.

You tell me to let it go, to cry until I don’t hurt anymore. I let my defenses down, the pain pouring out of me in fractured sobs. My tears soaked through your t-shirt, mascara staining the shoulder of your shirt. Gently you lead me to the bed, lay me down and wrap me in your arms. A few more tears leak out as I thank you for what you’ve done for me. I let myself drift to sleep in your arms, every time I wake up in fear you’re there, your arms still wrapped around me; keeping me safe and reminding me you love me.

That night is burned into my memory, the tender way you held me and the way I could see how much my pain hurt you. It tore through you and I could see all you wanted to was take it away, make it disappear. I fell in love with you in that moment, I gave myself to you completely in that moment.

I remember standing on that sidewalk as we said our goodbyes, to say my heart was heavy would be an understatement. As I walked away, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and run back to you. I rode home with the taste of your kiss on my lips, and the small tears I cried because I missed you staining my cheeks.

It is cold without you. Saying I miss you does not begin to cover the depth of the longing I feel for you. Despite this, I am hopeful. I know what it is we found within one another, and I know you long for it as much as I do. I know you feel that coldness left behind now that I’m gone. We’ll find one another again and I will not leave your arms again.

Well since this was supposed to be a blog pertaining to my writing lets get back to that, shall we?

I read a book a friend of mine has been bugging me to read for a few years now. It’s called The Name of the Wind and it’s by Patrick Rothfuss. I had tried to read the book a couple of years ago but just couldn’t get into it. I tried again and to my surprise, really enjoyed it.

Technically speaking, it’s not perfect. But then, very few books are. It drags in some places and seems repetitive in others, but overall it’s a very well done book in a genre in which there are very few well done books (Fantasy). It reminded me of several books all at once. I’ll explain each one in turn.

First, The Lord of the Rings. I think it’s impossible to write a fantasy novel without there being some similarities to LOTR. Unlike some books this was not an overt reminder, more of the feel of the book. The overall tone was similar, rather than it being a rip off of the story of the LOTR.

Second, The Dark Tower series, more specifically the Gunslinger himself. The adult Kvothe (main character) reminded me a lot of the Gunslinger, which is a rarity for me. Very few authors can match Stephen King’s ability to make characters really live and breathe. Kvothe lives and breathes, he’s a fully fleshed character. Complex and interesting, versus flat and somewhat boring. He is relatable even though he is very much himself.

Third, Ender’s Game. Young Kvothe reminds me of Ender, a lot. He’s got that same sort of intelligence, though Kvothe is less internal than Ender.

Despite being reminded of several different books and authors (or perhaps because of) I still find The Name of the Wind to be an exceptionally written book. Patrick Rothfuss weaves a complex story in a way that makes it seem alive. His descriptions are quite possibly my favorite part of the book. He goes into these descriptions of people and things and you can just get lost in them. I’ll definitely be rereading this book from a more technical stand point in order to see what I can take from his writing to apply to my own.

I’ve avoided politics on this blog, mostly because they tend to be extremely polarizing. However, some things I’ve heard and have had said to me have forced me to hop up onto my soapbox.

Begin Rant

Gay Marriage: What is the problem? I have yet to hear a legally valid argument against gay marriage. I do not understand why granting equal marriage rights has become such a huge issue. There is no legal (read: nonreligious) reason why it has not happened. By delaying and denying these rights politicians have turned a simple issue into a monstrous, epic battle.

Nearly every argument I have heard against gay marriage cites the Bible as the reason why it should not be legalized. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the Bible has absolutely nothing to do with LAW. If a person is personally against gay marriage because of their faith that’s fabulous for them, however since marriage is a legal process religion has absolutely nothing to do with it. A straight couple can have a completely secular, legal marriage and it is just as valid as a marriage performed in a church (provided both situations have obtained a marriage license because that is what makes a marriage legally binding).

The other argument I hear so frequently is that gay marriage will destroy the sanctity of marriage. Um, excuse me? Sanctity? Can someone please explain this sanctity to me? When our divorce rate is at 50% I think it’s incredibly stupid for anyone to claim that marriage is somehow sacred. People step outside of their marriages, domestic violence occurs more and more frequently and people get married and divorced like it’s a hobby.

As I said, marriage is a legal process. In order for a marriage to be legal both parties have to apply for and sign a marriage license, this makes marriage a LEGAL process. A marriage is not legally recognized unless a marriage license has been obtained. Even if a couple has their marriage performed by a priest in a church they are still required to obtain a marriage license otherwise all they have is a fancy commitment ceremony, which is not legally binding.

the LGBT community deserves the same rights as the straight community, there is no legal basis for denying their rights. It is discrimination and it should not be allowed to continue. We all deserve equal rights irregardless of our sexual orientation.

Harmless words, harmlessly spoken become weapons when emotions are involved. Your sword comes down on me, not in attack but in defense. I hide behind the shield you’ve offered, allowing myself to feel the emotions I’ve kept under lock and key. In those moments of honest intimacy I see myself doing exactly what I swore I wouldn’t: loving you. I tell myself it was inevitable, there’s no way we could be together without this happening and still I wonder whether I’m going to be the one picking up the broken pieces of my heart at the end of this. I wonder how much I mean to you, whether you look at me and feel that swell of warmth, that telltale sign of love. I wonder if when I touch you your throat catches and all you want is to live in that moment forever.

You say such beautiful things to me. My logical and rational side is silenced by the part of me who so desperately needs to believe you mean what you say. Still, that rationality is there, picking at the things you say. My prudent mind undermines my visceral emotional reaction, forcing me to consider that you don’t mean a damn thing you say. Patiently, you reassure me, silence my worry and tell me how wonderful I am.

I fall asleep wrapped in your arms, feeling a sense of safety wholly unfamiliar. I don’t flinch at your movements, I don’t fear your reactions. You embrace my need, reciprocating with your own. Looking in your eyes I tell you I love you, my breath won’t come as I await your response. You look just as deeply into my eyes and declare your own love. I melt against you, wishing this didn’t have to end. My heart sings in joy, despite knowing this can’t last. Is the knowledge alone enough, or will I spend eternity wondering just what could be?

Words are never truly harmless, I find. My admissions of vulnerability scare me, I’m unused to being open so freely with another person. I open myself up, risking injury and that broken sorrow that I know will consume me. Is it a risk worth taking? Your kiss tells me it is, the way your fingers entwine themselves in my hair as I lay my head on your chest reassures me it is. The way you pull me close, unwilling to let go says more than the words we say to one another. I take the risk, I listen with my heart and hear yours beating back the same rhythm.

Where does this leave us? Neither of us knows. Life can’t go back, it only moves forward, we’ve made this step and we can’t go back. What do we do? I don’t know, but I know now, without a doubt my heart fits with yours and despite the unknown that small comfort is what is important. Love isn’t necessarily being together. Love is an understanding, a comfort and familiarity. A sense of belonging and non-judgement and I’ve found it with you. I’ll take the unknown and the unfamiliar for just this simple comfort.

The more time I spend on this introspection thing the more I realize about myself. I know, I know that’s how it works. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have control issues. I hate to feel out of control. I’ve come to expect certain things in my life and when things don’t go the way I expect them to go I become uncomfortable. I’ve gotten better about this in almost all aspects of my life. For instance, I didn’t used to drink at all because I feared becoming an alcoholic, I was afraid of becoming to comfortable, too relaxed with drinking because I was afraid of losing control. I don’t have that problem with alcohol though, I’ve learned that just because alcoholism runs in my family doesn’t mean I am automatically an alcoholic. I had to learn to let go of some of that control.

As I said, I’ve learned how to let go of control in almost all areas of my life. The only place I’ve yet to relinquish control is when it comes to another person. I do not like to feel vulnerable, I don’t relying on another person. I hate to feel like I am surrendering any part of myself to another person, yet it is the one thing I so desperately want. I know this comes out of fear, an intense fear of being hurt and being used.

I’m solitary by nature, I’m perfectly happy to spend time alone and if I am with other people it’s usually a very small group. It’s taken me a long time to admit that I one thing I really want is a partner. I’m learning how to let people in, learning how to trust that not everyone is going to hurt me and even if I do get hurt it’s not the end of the world, just a part of life.

Fear has been an underlying motivation (or lack of motivation) in my life for as long as I can remember. It’s manifested in one way or another and every time I’ve made myself learn how to deal with it and get over it. Even things I thought I’d never be able to confront, like my fear of driving, but I did it and now I really love to drive. Even after I learned to drive there were still things I was afraid to do, like drive on the freeway. I used to think I’d never be able to do it, it was just too scary, too out of control. I remember talking about it with a friend of mine and he looked at me and told me, “Renee, accidents are inevitable, if you spend your life trying to avoid the inevitable you’re never going to live.” A few days later I drove on the freeway for the first time, it was not even close to as scary as I thought it was going to be. In fact, when I got to Albuquerque I parked somewhere and just laughed, I couldn’t believe how long I’d let that fear control me.

And Ben was right, accidents are inevitable, in fact a few weeks after he said those words to me I got t-boned in a busy intersection. It was scary, the car spun around and I didn’t know what to do. After the car stopped and I got my door open I started to shake and cry, I was hurt and I was afraid. I had to go to the hospital and my car was totaled. The one thing I didn’t do was regress back to that fear, once I was able to get another car I got back out and kept driving. It’s something so simple but it’s something I am proud of, it would have been too easy for me to just go back to that fear. I’d been proven right, my worst fear had come true. However, unlike in all my nightmares I didn’t die, my passenger didn’t die and neither did the other driver. I survived, got another car and kept driving.

So, what does that have to do with relationships? Well, I’ve been hurt, repeatedly and I’ve hurt people. My worst relationship fears have come to pass and I’m still here. Sometimes I think I need to hit rock bottom for me to realize that I can do what I thought I couldn’t. I’m still healing, but I’m not afraid anymore, ok so maybe I am still afraid but it’s not paralyzing me anymore. A healthy dose of fear is ok as long as I can keep moving and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

I’m learning to let go of some of that control, to let people in and learn to trust people. It’s a frightening prospect to relinquish some of the control I’ve built up, but at the same time it’s freeing.