Friday, December 24, 2010

but it's just like christmas is coming in all forms for me today. My mom works christmas day, so we celebrated this morning, so i kinda consider it "christmas" already. Anyway, last night, i talked to L for over 4 hours, until about 3 in the morning, and it was amazing. He opened up to me so much, and we had the deepest, most truthful conversations we've ever had together. it was lovely...and we talked about the whole "relationship" thing again, and he told me this time that he definitely wanted to see where it went in the future, and that i wasn't just a random hookup to him, and that he felt more strongly for me than he's ever felt for a girl. Oh, AND, he wants to come up and visit me/meet my family in a few weeks. i couldnt be happier. i'm so smitten.

Not only that, but my weightloss is going awesome. I told you all about the tonsillectomy and about what a great diet plan it was because i couldn't eat, right? well i ended up losing about 5 pounds, and hovering between 131-132 on my crappy bathroom scale, which REALLY means 135-136, but thats SO far down from what i was, it felt amazing. then this morning, i step on the scale feeling like today was a fat day, and it said 129! slaifnosgfnwego, i can't even explain to you all how that feels. I haven't seen the 120's on that scale in about....3 years. at least. I'm ecstatic. I still have a ways to go, but everyone has been complimenting me on how good/skinny i look lately, and i love it.

Plus, i got some really awesome clothes/gifts for christmas. SCORE.

i'm sorry i'm obnoxiously happy today, but everything is just going right again. I hope everything is as lovely for you all as it is for me, and i hope you have some very happy holidays!

Friday, December 17, 2010

I promise I'm not. I got my tonsils out on Tuesday, and from there, I have ceased to exist.

No, literally. I'm awake for maybe two hours a day. The pain meds knock me out, but I NEED them right now. I'm still in a ton of pain.

I pretty much haven't eaten since monday night though. Yeahh. Ok, well that's a lie, but nothing big. Ice mainly been drinking my calories in Gatorade, but really that's only about a bottle a day. Tuesday after surgery I had about 3/4 a Popsicle. Wednesday I had a spoonful of mashed potatoes and one Reese cup (separate, I promise!) yesterday I had a spoonful of potatoes, a chocolate ice cream bar, and about 4 bites of chicken salad.

Today I don't think I'm gonna eat much, if anything. I'm feeling worse. Through this starvation/dehydration though, I've lost a ton of weight and look super skinny...well for me anyway. The scale says 133 today, which actually means 137, but hey, I'll take it! That was my goal before the cruise! I did see it get to 131 on Wednesday, but that quickly disappeared when I strews drinking more fluids. Oh what I wouldn't give to see the 120's though! Even if just for a day, and even if I know my scale is not accurate by 4 lbs!

The doctor said it's normal for people to not eat for up to TWO WEEKS after the surgery, and that the main concern was just to drink as much as possible. Two weeks. Two weeks where I can literally starve and not have to hide it, not have anyone think twice about it?

Whenever I feel well enough I'm gonna post some pictures for you all. I actually do think I look a TON better. Oh, and when I slip back into consciousness/reality without staying high constantly, I'll update you with more from my life...L, school, family, etc. Love you ladies. Miss you!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

i hate boys.really. why do i even put mself out there?I spent last ngiht with L, slept in his room all night, we kissed, we held hands, we flirted, it was nice. He fell asleep and I started thinking. I started to get curious, and my curiosity led me to get pretty ticked off.

This morning I confronted him about it. Here's how the convo went:

Me: Can I ask you something?L: yeah, sure. of course.Me: What are we?L: *thinks for a few seconds* ....i dont know......what do you want us to be?Me: I want us to be whatever you want us to be.L: this isn't fair! (laughingly)Me: well look, i'm not saying you have to figure it out now, but I'm just curious. I'm not saying you have to make anything official right now, I just need to know if there is a possibility in the future, or if i'm just a friend with benefits to you.L: wow, friends with benefits? That makes this sound so horribleMe: well, i just think that I have a right to know.L: you're right.Me: ok, well just think about it some, and let me know whenever you decide.L: ok, i'll do that

*later* I'm sitting on his lap, he has his arms around me, being all flirty, holding my hands, whatnot

L: so back to your difficult question you asked earlierme: yeah?L: well, let me just start off by saying that I'm not good at this. I don't really enjoy the whole talking about relationships, it's not really my thing.Me: ok...L: well, heres how I see it: If you went and hooked up with another guy, i couldn't be mad about it. Especially if you hook up with someone over Christmas break.Me: well ok, but that's not really why I asked.L: then what were you asking for?Me: because i'm just curious. I just don't know what we are.L: oh. ok. well, this *points to the ground, to emphasize this EXACT moment* this is where i am right now. I enjoy it here.Me: *completely confused/slightly embarassed.* Uhh....ok

Thats about where it ended. I'm so confused. And i feel like i've been led on. If this was just hot steamy hook-ups, I guess i would understand more. But it's not. He invites me to come over and watch movies. He holds my hands. He'll just reach over for no reason at all and kiss me on the cheek. He lets me decide when were gonna kiss and/or hook up, and never pressures me to do anything (like he's indifferent to whether he gets anything physically from me or not)

I just feel like i have a right to know a little more. I think i'm gonna talk to him about it again later today, but i'm scared. I just love what we have so much...i'm afriad to mess it up and lose it, or lose him....but it's just not fair to me. I feel like i'm being used in some way....

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

i need your all's thoughts, prayers, and support right now ladies. This is a rough week for me. I know i told you all that the abscess came back on thursday...well, i just had a horrible weekend. i didn't sleep at all thursday night, got up on Saturday morning and drove home to the doctor. I knew he would tell me i needed a tonsillectomy, but I was hoping that he could just drain it, I would instantly feel better, and I could make it back to school that afternoon, make it through the next two weeks, then have the surgery over Christmas break. I mean, this weekend was supposed to be awesome! L actually wanted to take me on our first "real date" i guess on Friday, he asked me if I would go to lunch with him, and of course i was so excited. Then that night, L, CJ, and I were all supposed to go to our friends house for a huuuuuge ugly sweater party. Then Saturday, my best guy friends were having a party at their apartment, and I couldn't wait. L wouldn't be there, but i'm sure I would have ended up spending the night with him that night.

Well, as you guessed, I missed it all. He drained the abscess on Friday, but it ended up coming back AGAIN, and I had to stay home all weekend. I was so mad. And I had to go back into a different doctor on saturday to get it taken care of, and this doctor was an absolute ASS. I've never had a doctor treat me so badly in my life. I was crying so hard in the office. I felt terrible, he wasn't making it any better, and I was missing everything. Not to mention that he told me that the tonsillectomy couldn't wait until Christmas break anymore. That was the worst news.

Heres how my schedule DID look for the next two weeks, before I got sick:

already a pretty full load right? welp, too bad I now had to schedule this surgery for tuesday of finals week. I didn't know what i was going to do. I thought I would have to go incomplete for the semester and make up all my finals during Christmas break and skip the cruise and it was just so stressful, there were a TON of tears this weekend.

Then luckily (I guess) I started feeling better, so I came back to school today, and I've managed to talk to my professors and get all of my finals in before the surgery, but my schedule for this week now looks like this:

Today: Turn in Microbiology project(which i started and finished last night, take Micro lab final, start and finish major French project, do 2 chapters of stats homeworkWednesday: French presentation, turn in stats homeworkThursday: Micro lecture exam, Music Appreciation Final, Nursing FinalFriday: Micro Final, French FinalMonday: Stats FinalTuesday: Surgery

I'm under so much stress, and I just failed my micro lab final that i studied SOOOOO hard for. and i really NEEDED a good grade on that. I came back and cried a little more. Gosh i'm sick of doing that.

I'm sorry, this is not a happy post, but I just needed to vent. I feel like curling up in my bed and sleeping away the next 2 weeks. I feel like i'm going to die..in more ways than one.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ok, I'm gonna give you all a brief summary of my story. It's still pretty long and slightly depressing, but I know there are so many people on here who don't think life is worth living, and I was one of them. Thankfully though, I found out I was wrong, an I think (hopefully) my story might be able to help. Please never hesitate to talk to me if you need help. I'm here for ALL of you at any time.

My first year of high school, everything was great. I loved my school, I was super skinny, super popular, and I was making a ton of friends. I was happy with myself, and I didn't feel like I needed to change myself for anyone in any way. That's when I met nick, a really cute guy who treated me differently from everyone else. He actually looked in my eyes when he spoke to me, instead of staring at my boobs (which were HUGE) or doing that staring off into space while you're talking thing

Sophomore year, nick and I finally started dating, and for a while it was great, but then, something changed. Nick had all kinds of anger/jealousy/control issues and ever so little by little, they had their effect on me. Like you said, he had absolutely no regard for my feelings. He controlled me, intentionally hurt me because he thought it was funny, degraded me, forced me to do things I wasn't comfortable with, and worst of all, he managed to isolate me from everything I loved. He talked bad about my family, my religion, my swimming, and especially my friends until I literally had nothing but him

That's when the suicidal thoughts started. I wanted it all to end. I thought about cutting, taking pills, or just having a car crash, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. It seemed like every day ended with me just sobbing uncontrollably, praying to god (whom I didn't even really believe in anymore) that he would just take my life that night. I just didn't want to wake up in the morning.

I knew nick was the reason behind this, but I was too afraid to leave. When you only have one thing in your life, despite how horrible that thing us, how can you leave it and have nothing left? I didn't know what I woukd do. Who would I eat lunch with? Who would I park next to in the morning? Who would I go out with on weekends? I had no true friends anymore. I was alone.

Then one day, I think god kinda stepped in. I was out with a "girlfriend" whom I wasnt even that close to, feeling as empty as ever, when out of nowhere, we were hit by a drunk driver. As the car was spinning through the intersection, throwing me shaker the side of the car and my friend was screaming, my first thought was "well, the inside of this car will be the last thing I ever see in my life." that's when I got terrified. I literally thought of how much I wanted to tell my parents and my sister how much I lived them, and I thought of how wasteful I had been with my life, so for the first time, I was literally begging god to let me live. And thankfully I did. After that I kinda just had a new outlook on life. I wasn't exactly out of my depression, but I was brave enough to finally kick nick out of my life for good. It was scary, it was hard, bur it was the best decision I ever made.

Once I went to college, life changed completely. I had all this freedom to do what actually made me happy, I somehow made a bunch of true friends, which is something I never had in life, and now, I've found this guy L, who treats me so good and makes me so happy that I almost feel guilty. It took some time, but my life turned around and I am SOOOO thankful that I didn't give into my suicidal thoughts. I had NO idea what awesome things my future held, and I wouldn't have believed anyone if they told me how happy I would be.

Sorry, I know that was so long, but my point is: I've been there. I've also gotten through it and I can speak from experience as to what the right decision was. You may not know what it is now, but you do have SOMETHING to live for. Please just give it a chance. I'm here for you as is everyone else reading your blog, and I just want you to be ok. PLEASE tell me if you would like my Facebook, email, or cell number and I'll get it to you. I know I don't know you, but I love you and I want you to be happy. Hang in there.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

I'm dying again. The shitty abscess came back and I had to go to the doctor. I've been forced to miss what was sure to be one of the best weekends of the semester and now, seeing as I'll probably have to have surgery Monday, I may have to miss my final exams too. I'm having a shit week.

Hell of a weightless plan though. Haven't really been able to eat anything since Thursday night. Lost 2 pounds.

I'll update you guys with the full story later, but for now, I'm gonna let these pain meds do their thing. Sleeeeep.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

i wish i had something new to write about, but i just don't. nothing exciting is happening in my life at all.

i was feeling super skinny after thanksgiving (somehow)....but then, out of NOWHERE, i started my period. fab. well, that explains why i was feeling so skinny. now i'm feeling all bloated. and eating about 15 pounds of food a day.

i think i'm going back on birth control. i'm sick of not knowing when my period will be. And we all know i'm not having sex, and i'm not planning on it, but whenever i'm messing around with a guy, especially one that I really care for, like L, it just makes me feel better to be on the pill....just in case, you know? If i can't deal with having a little bit of fat on me now, it wouldn't go over well to gain a billion pounds cause i have a BABY in my stomach.

i'm afraid i'm going to gain weight again though.i'm going to talk to my OBGYN to ask her to put me on a pill that will hopefully help with that. i gained weight when i was on the pill, i can't have that again.

well, these are my last two weeks of class, then i have a week of exams. stress will be inevitable. i don't know if ill be posting a lot between then.

oh, and i'm going on a cruise over Christmas break. i want to be at least 137 before then. that's only 5 lbs down. i have about a month. totally possible. i'm getting back into my habit of not eating breakfast, and i'm slowly trying to weed out lunch too. i wanna get back down to like 800 calories a day. and starting tomorrow i'm hopefully going to start adding the gym back to my schedule. we'll see if i have time between the studying though. however, i really miss going to the gym and burning about 500 calories and seeing a net intake of around 300 or so for the day. i know that's still a lot compared to some of you ladies, but for me, that was incredible. i've never been able to fast. i'm not that strong. yet.

Friday, November 26, 2010

i havent posted again for a few days. been too lazy to get my computer out. i'm gonna keep this post almost entirely about weight/food though today...shocking, right?!

i do have to mention L though, because that's where this post begins. I was in his room for a long time Monday night, and it was amazing like always. he was so sweet. but the important part is, we somehow ended up talking about tape worms. don't ask me how in the world we got on that subject, but he was telling me about how doctors prescribe pills with tapeworm larvae in them to help people lose weight. I started arguing with him about how stupid that was, and how it was basically the same as supporting anorexia because you're essentially encouraging someone to starve themselves. I was getting mad because he was pretty much saying that he didn't see a problem with it (i know, hypocritical, but no one besides you all have ANY clue that I'm basically pro-ana; plus, i think he was just wanting to argue with me cause he thought it was cute) and this is a little excerpt from our conversation

Me: "so, what if i came to you tomorrow and said that i was taking tape worm pills?" L: "i would say, why in the world are you doing that?"Me: "because i want to lose weight, obviously."L: "I would look at you and say 'you're absolutely crazy. you don't need to lose a single pound.'"

i can't express to you how good that made me feel. L will openly admit that he has some type of disorder. He HAS to exercise at least 2 hours a day or else he freaks out. He HAS to be in shape. He eats a lot, but it's all pretty healthy. I have always been a little self-conscious around him because of that, because i'm so obviously out of shape, and he's told me before that he really likes girls who are muscular and in shape. so hearing him say that just made me ecstatic.

Then, when i went over to my grandparent's house yesterday for thanksgiving, my grandma looked at me and said "frenzy! have you lost weight?!" and i said "yeah, a little i guess?" and she said "oh my gosh, it looks like you've lost a ton, you re gonna be too skinny soon!" Thanks grandma :)

so then, feeling so good about myself for once, i decided to go home and face the ultimate test. I have this dress at my house which i wore two summer's ago, and i was incredibly upset this summer to find that i had gotten way too big to fit into it anymore. it wasn't even CLOSE to fitting. So as I've been losing weight, I've continuously tried on this dress as sort of a reference point, but I've never been able to fit into it again. Yesterday i put it on, and YOU GUESSED IT! IT ZIPPED ALL THE WAY UP!!!!!! yesssss. granted, it was still pretty tight and would look a lot better if i lost some more weight, but that basically means that I'm back to the size i was two summers ago, right after my senior year of high school!

i am way too excited, and i do actually think i look a ton better when i look in the mirror. i don't think it's fair, how well my life is going lately. everything is wonderful. everything is beautiful, and i just want to share some of that with you ladies, cause i know what hard times some of you all are going through. I've been there. I've been to that point where i prayed to God to just end my life because i didn't think there could be anything worth living for. I'm so glad that didn't happen. Life turned around, and I've never been happier. So please, find something to be happy about, or just keep faith that it WILL eventually get better. I love you ladies, and i wont you to be happy. Stay strong, and stay beautiful :)

Monday, November 22, 2010

Today was super stressful. I had a French presentation and a statistics test which I wasn't ready for at all. I stayed up basically all night studying, and I got about 2 hours of sleep. My stats test was obviously the hardest of the two, and that was later in the day. So of course, I stayed stressed about it all day. My super anxiety kicked in a I felt horribly sick. Didnt even have the desire to touch any food. Once it was over though, of course my appetite came back. I went and had chic fil a with CJ, so I guess my total forthe day is about 800 or so? Not terrible, but considering that was only 1 meal for the day, it wasn't to great either. Well, I'm procrastinating, I have a French exam tomorrow that I need to prepare for...hope you all had a great day!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

i'm just incredibly happy today. not sure that i should be either, but i just am...like i'm on some kind of drug or something.

last week....not the best. like i said, i had SO much work to make up, i still haven't gotten completely back on track, but the majority of it had to be done last week. it was hell. Between that and L having 3 big tests, i didn't get to see him all week except for hanging out with him at a basketball game for 30 minutes before we both had to leave and study.

Then my roommate invited some mutual friends of ours down to school to stay with us for the harry potter premier. don't get me wrong, i like these girls and i'm friends with them, but Ashley (my roommate) is much closer to them. These girls are just like Ashley, really cool and sweet, but pretty boring...as in they never want to go out. I spent Thursday night with them, then Friday night I kinda ditched them (i feel a little bad about it but whatever) and went to dinner with L and some other guys we're friends with. Then i spent the night in his room, and Ashley and the other girls left to go back home early yesterday morning.

Since then, i've spent just about every second I can with L. We spent all day yesterday tailgating and going to the football game together, then i was supposed to go over to his room early last night and spend a bunch of time with him but I happened to get a call from CJ...

Frat boy (the guy she is dating) really upset her and she left and needed someone to talk to, so she came over to my room and cried until about 10:45. She's my best friend though, and i would do anything for her, so i didn't mind. Meanwhile, L went out with some friends then invited me to come over to his room at about midnight. Went over there, and we just sat in his room and drank a bunch of beer together. I know that sounds really lame, but seriously it was probably the best night i've ever spent with him. It was just so relaxing, and we had some really good conversation...deeper than we usually go.

We got on the subject of relationships though, and he was telling me that in his family, no one gets marred until like mid 30's at the earliest, and he said he felt the same way. We also both mentioned that we thought relationships and getting serious weren't good ideas at our age...which i kinda think is true, but i think i came off the wrong way and may have made it seem like i'm just fine with continuously hooking up with him and never dating...which isn't exactly what i was going for. I really WOULD like to date him, i just don't want a really intense/serious relationship. I still need some freedom. Unfortunately, i think he doesn't want a relationship at all, and now i don't know how to bring it back up again.

Then the beer kicked in for both of us. The kissing resumed...and KDSJBFOSIUEBGOWIBEGS did i miss it. I don't think i'll ever get tired of kissing him. Ever. Every single time i do, it's seriously like my first kiss all over again...exciting, wonderful, never wanting it to end...it went farther than kissing last night too (which isn't unusual for us) but it was a lot more intense this time. I don't need to go into very specific details about what went down, but dsofniefdkjfbs it was GOOOOOOOOD.

I just walked back from his room a little while ago. Just discovered that i have about 8 small hickeys on my neck. they're not huge, and i think i'll be able to cover them up with makeup and wearing my hair down, but i hope theyre gone by the time i go home for thanksgiving lol....oh well, they're completely worth it.

I have SO much work to do today. it's all due tomorrow. I only have 2 days of classes this week (for thanksgiving break) but i have a french presentation, a stats test that i'm going to fail, and a french test. i'm super stressed, but somehow i'm not letting it get to me. i think my high from last night just hasn't worn off yet.

My eating has been flipping back and forth between god awful and not so bad. i'll have days where i eat like there's no tomorrow, and days where i wont eat hardly anything. i'm probably confusing the shit out of my body. I don't feel HUGE today, but i don't feel skinny either. i still have a ton to lose. i'm getting there though.

ok, long post. i promise i'm going to try to post more often so that i don't have to write the NOVELS anymore. i hope you all are doing lovely, and looking lovely.

Monday, November 15, 2010

today is my 100th post. WOOHOOOO!!!! i know i said i wanted to do something all exciting for my 100th, but i decided against it. way too lazy.

so, i've made it back from the BRINK OF DEATH. that's why i havent been posting, i know you all missed me ;)

so i had that sore throat right? and the doctor said it may have been strep even though all my strep tests came back negative? well after i went to that doctor, i had a horrible weekend at home and didn't feel well enough to drive back to school on sunday. skipped my first class monday, made it back to school, but felt too bad to make it to my other class for the day. Tuesday, i got up feeling like absolute shit, but somehow made it to all 4 of my classes. Wednesday, i wake up, go to french class, and toward the end of class, i start feeling sick. my antibiotics were kicking in and making my stomach hurt. i kept trying to breathe evenly and to get my mind off of it, but it just got worse and worse and worse....i rushed out of the room right before classes were over, and barely made it into the hallway before i threw up in front of everyone.

OK, so not THREW UP. i was somehow able to hold it in, but i was gagging and heaving all in the middle of the hallway...and of course i was in the one confusing building with only one bathroom and an apparent lack of garbage cans. anyway, this happened twice before i finally made it to the bathroom and just collapsed onto the floor and started bawling. i had had enough. my throat hurt like hell, i couldn't talk, i couldn't swallow, it was so swollen it was affecting my breathing, my ear hurt, my jaw hurt, and on top of this my medicine was only making me sicker. so i decided to go back to the immediate care here in town.

they should rename that to the "not-so-immediate-care"

i waited in the waiting room for 2 hours until the doctor could finally see me. then she came in, looked in my throat (as best she could considering i could barely even open my mouth) and got this real concerned look on her face before saying "this doesnt look like strep..." and hurrying out of the room. i could hear her talking about me and my symptoms to the other doctors and arguing with someone on the phone...

she comes back and tells me that i have what's called a peritonsillar abscess, and that i needed to drive 2 hours back home (to the bigger city) for emergency surgery. greatttt.

get home, spend basically all night in the ER getting an IV, pain meds, steroids, antibiotics, then they send me home and tell me to come back in the morning so that they could drain it.

go back the next morning and the doctor does drain it. i won't go into detail about how they drained it....i don't know how well you all deal with gruesome things. it was just not pleasant, lets put it that way.

well, the next morning i wake up, and the damn abscess is back. in full force....worse than ever. i have to go get it drained AGAIN. it was horrible.

luckily i have finally recovered, and i'm back at school. i've missed a shit ton of classes and work, but luckily my professors have been pretty understanding about it. i just have so much work to do now so please bare with me and my lack of posting.

finally got to see L again last night. his throat hurts. go figure. sad day, i really missed kissing him. hopefully he's not sick so that can resume as soon as possible =]

anyway, i couldn't eat at all while i was sick, i could barely even swallow liquids. the doctors have been weighing me at 142! WITH CLOTHES ON! I lost about 2 pounds in 3 days according to my doctors visits...hey, i'll take it! i've been eating a lot though now that i'm better. i have to eat a ton of yogurt to keep up with my 43 antibiotics i'm taking lol

ok, sorry for the novel of a post. just thought i would update you guys on my life. miss you ladies, and i'm still reading all of your posts. stay strong!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

ughhh. i feel like death rolled up in torture. i just want to curl up in bed and sleep for the next week.

i'm sick if you cant tell. and i don't even really know with what. I spent the night with L again on Friday night, and he left his window open cause he likes his room to be cold when he sleeps. no big deal, i just cuddled up next to him, but i woke up in the middle of the night with a killer sore throat. I just dealt with it the rest of the night, thinking it would go away when i got up and got back to my warm room and drank some water. went back to my room, drank a ton of water, took all kinds of medicine, didn't help. NO big deal though, it wasn't too bad.

I went home later that day and surprised my parents. They were having this big annual fall party at our house and they wanted me home, but i told them i wanted to stay at school and watch our football game. Went home just in time for the party though, mom was thrilled. Anyway, my throat kept hurting, but i figured it was just because i was standing in the smoke from all the bonfires. took some medicine, went to sleep...well actually, mainly just lay in my bed suffering. i didn't sleep hardly at all. i was up basically all night in pain. When morning finally came around, i went to the kitchen to get some water, and as i was walking back to the living room, i got all dizzy and passed out. not really lost consciousness, but everything went black and the room was spinning. i laid on my floor for a while just too tired to get back up. my mom eventually came in and i managed to tell her that i needed to go to the doctor (as if she couldnt tell)

my sister drove me to immediate care, but i got probably the stupidest doctor i've ever met. He was african of some sort, didnt speak a lot of english, which wouldnt bother me if he was a good doctor, but he got everything i said completely backwards, and said some pretty idiotic things that I even know arent true. they ran a rapid strep test, which came back negative, so then they drew my blood for mono. passed out again. fun times. negative for mono too. So they swab my throat again to send it out for a culture, and the doctor comes back and says "well, we do know you have SOME type of bacterial infection, we just don't know what yet. I'm going to prescribe you and antibiotic for now, so i'll have to run a pregnancy test to make sure" ....pregnancy tests have absolutely nothing to do with anything. theres no reason for that. results come back, i'm not pregnant. surprise. i could have told you that, dipshit. then he says "you can still go to class if you feel well enough, because it's bacteria, it's not contagious."

false. just because it's bacteria, doesn't mean it's not contagious. Seriously, did this guy REALLY go to med school?!

anyway, i've been suffering since then, i have no voice, been dealing with fever, upset stomach cause of the antibiotics, still sore throat...it's been lovely. and i have one of the busiest weeks ever this week. i can't afford to be sick.

anyway, while i was at the doctor, they weighed me, and with clothes and shoes on i weighed about 144. then i went home and got on that crappy scale that i dont trust and it said 131. WHAT?!?! stepped off, stepped back on, it said 135. this scale always weighs me about 4 lbs less then what i actually am, meaning that i would actually be around 139. closer, but that still is super low. i'll take it though, i hope to goodness that's true.

i havent been able to eat hardly anything since saturday night. this morning i was able to get some yogurt down, but that's the biggest thing i've had, and now my stomach isn't feeling too great.

L keeps forgetting i can't talk and keeps calling me. Then when i don't answer he texts me and apologizes and says something like "i'm so sorry, i forget that you have no voice. how are you feeling now? i want you to feel better..." sweet things like that. of course, i'm sure he's also a little concerned because we've so obviously swapped my contagious spit. but he doesn;t feel bad at all, which i'm glad about, and thank the lord it wasn't mono. i would have felt so bad....

miserable. just want my voice back. i'll even take the pain, but tell me how i'm supposed to go to my french class and give an oral presentation when i can't even speak. this isnt fun. i just want to sleep. stupid college, how i wish you were like high school again and i could miss a full week of class without any major problems....

this is my 99th post. woohoo!!! so i'm thinking for my 100th post i wanna do something fun, like 100 things about me, 100 things i believe, 100 reasons why i want to lose weight....i dont know, i cant really ddecide what to do. am i being corny? tell me what you all think/give me some suggestions for the 100 things you would like to see me post. love you ladies, i've loved every post because of you all!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

i know i havent been posting lately. i just really have nothing to add. I haven't had the time to work out (i've had a SUPER busy last few weeks) and for the most part, my eating has been good. definitely under 1,000 cals a day, until maybe 2 days ago...my period started today, so of course i could eat until this time next week and never get full haha

i'm bloated. i feel huge. ughhhhhh. stupid period.

L and I are good. we're not "official" yet, but we might as well be. i go over to his room every night. last night was particularly good. i was giving him a hard time because he wouldn't tell me his middle name and i said "don't you want to make me happy?" and he replied with "more than anything in the world. just tell me how." :)

then he kept telling me how cute i was when i was frustrated and he told me that he had asked CJ several times if i talk about him. he wouldn't let me leave his room even though it was 1 am. he kept holding me down and telling me he was gonna keep me there. he's so freaking adorable.

wait...what? what is this strange feeling inside of me? i think i may have felt it once or twice before. happiness??

haha i mean i've been happy and out of my depression ever since i left my last boyfriend nick, and i didn't think that my life COULD get happier...but it is? i just smile ALL the time now. insanity. i love it. i love you. i love life =]

Sunday, October 31, 2010

today is a skinny day. i feel like 10 pounds lighter than the rest of this week. still feel bigger, but skinnier at least. It's probably all the beer i've been drinking...i'm probably really dehydrated. I'm proud of myself though. I always eat a ton when i drink, and yesterday, i was tailgating and there was food EVERYWHERE. Somehow i managed to not eat the majority of it though. maybe just a handful of chips and one tiny sandwich. Thats all i ate yesterday period. of course i was drinking my calories, but i only had 2 big mixed drinks, which i mixed with 0 calorie coke, and maybe 3 beers? idk. i can't really remember...

on friday i went to panera for lunch and had a sanwich and some chips. Total was around 900 calories and that's all i ate that day too, so not TOO bad. and today i haven't eaten anything at all. i want it to stay that way but i may have to eat something small soon because i feel like my sugar is dropping and i'm gonna start shaking soon. can't have that.

i think i broke two of my fingers playing football yesterday too. it hurt like a motherfucker and today theyre swollen and purple. wonderful.

I spent the night with L friday night :) it was wonderful. i wish i could sleep in that boy's arms every night. He went home last night though, we had some more grand drunken conversations though. he kept telling me he missed me, wished i was there, wanted to kiss me, and apparently he was telling everyone at the party how cool i was? he called me once and when i answered the phone, he said "frenzy, there is no one in the world like you. really, you're the best person i've ever met." haha he was cracking me up. i'll take it though.

last night, i was in my room alone, drunk, and as is common for drunk me now, i tried to purge. i got really close, and i wanted to so badly, but i just couldn't do it. it doesn't work for me. i guess thats a good thing though...i really dont want to make purging a habit.

well, i have to do a ton of homework today. sad day. i'm hoping to get to the gym later though and work out a little bit, just so i can weigh myself at least. we'll see...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Life is good.L and I talk everyday now. I went back over to his room last night...and it was amazing. i swear, i could kiss that boy for the rest of my life. Everything about him is perfect. His kissing, his personality, his body...It's like we just fit together. I just hope that this turns into something and i'm not just his girl of the week or something. He truly just makes me happy. And when we're in his room, all alone, on his bed, kissing, he doesn't try to do anything else. He doesnt try to undress me or get me to do anything. I think thats what i like most. I didn't think respectful guys actually existed....

well, anyway, i'm sorry. this isn't a boy toy blog. that's what it seems to be turning into, but i know when i read blogs, i like to hear more about your all's everyday life other than the whole blogerexia thing. ana/mia and all this other shit is something that we can't escape from, so sometimes its nice to just blog about things that may temporarily remind us that there is a world outside these obsessions with our bodies right?

Well, anyway, i feel big today. you know how you just have days sometimes where you feel either fatter or skinnier that other days? well, today is a fat day. Probably all the food i ate last night. I only had a bowl of cereal for lunch, but then had a veggie burger and an INSANE amount of curly fries for dinner. =[

i need to go take a statistics test now that i will most likely not do very well on because i was with L last night instead of studying....

Monday, October 25, 2010

thats what i was this weekend. madness ensued.i don't even want to think of the amount of calories i consumed this weekend. i feel disgusted when i do. I went home with CJ this weekend, and we we got there, her mom had made us a lasagna, a pot of chili, cooked beef for fajitas, chicken dip, and a cake all to eat this weekend. Not to mention the excessive amounts of alcohol that entered my body. We would drink literally all day, get up the next morning, eat some lasagna or something for breakfast, drink the rest of the day.

i was absolutely out of control, but it was a ton of fun. Even with Lindsey there. She's still not my favorite person int he world, she can be rude and way wild, but it actually wasn't as bad as i thought it would be with her there.

UPDATEL FINALLY texted me on saturday, just to see what i was doing and to say hello. later that night, we were both obviously very intoxicated, and we stayed up until 5 am having one of the most grand drunken conversations i've ever experienced lol two of his friends got on the phone and was like "he has been talking about you a lot tonight. i think you all should date, he's an awesome guy and you seem really cool" then we drunkenly established that we really liked each other and wanted to see where this would go.

Yesterday, he texted me and wanted me to come to his room and hang out, so of course i did. more of him just holding me, and he tried to kiss me and GODDDDDDD did i want to, but i thought i was coming down with strep throat so i told him to wait so that i didnt get him sick.

turns out i'm not sick though, so all is good there. i went to the doctor today and they weighed me, and with shoes and clothes and my binge weekend i still managed to weigh 146.3. so 2 lbs lost! woooo!!!

life is good today guys. go out and find something beautiful, just like yourselves. love you ladies, with all of my heart i truly do.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

well, life is back as it was. Cj and I are just fine, like nothing ever happened, there is still no boy in my life, and i'm still fat.

I really have nothing to post today. absolutely nothing.

havent worked out in FOREVER. things have just come up and i haven't had the chance.

yesterday, CJ was telling me about an article that she read in the newspaper about anorexia. She was talking about how crazy it was and said something like "i mean, could you ever imagine having anorexia? i can't even comprehend that or how crazy it would be."

i just kind of laughed and said "yeah" and moved onto the next subject.

my roomie is leaving tomorrow. i'm super excited. don't get me wrong, my roommate and i get along great and i love her, but i just LOVE having the room to myself for a while. its just nice.

i was thinking about texting L and seeing if he wanted to do something, but i haven't gotten up the nerve. I dont like this. I've been so independent for so long and so anti-boyfriend, and now all i can think about is this boy and our one awesome night together. We didn't even do anything that crazy, but that kiss was just......

anyway, what do you all think? i just feel like if he was interested in me at all, he would have talked to me by now right? jeeze i sound like a 13 year old girl. i need to stop. no more boy talk until something actually HAPPENS, ok? i dont want to bore you all with that shit. this is supposed to be an EDNOS blog. i barely post about food or exercise or losing weight or anything anymore.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

After i posted about the whole L/CJ/awkward lunch incident, i got control of myself. CJ texted me wanting to do lunch again today, and she sounded completely normal, so i just went ahead and said something like "hey is everything alright between us? I feel like the last few days you've either been annoyed or mad at me and if i did something i would just like to know because youre my best friend and i don't want there to be any problems. maybe i'm making this up but i jsut had to check."she replied with soemthing along the lines of "no no no! you're definitely making this up. Everything is great between us, sorry if it seemed like i was mad on saturday, but L was just way too drunk and lindsey was really annoyed with him so she wanted to leave, and we couldn't bring him with us, and i figured you would want to stay with him."

that both makes sense to me and also annoys me at the same time. L was pretty drunk. And for a while, he was saying some stupid things...but really it was more funny than anything. If it wasn't for this bitch lindsey, everything would have been fine. Still doesn't really explain lunch yesterday, but i really could have just misunderstood that all with CJ. She's EXTREMELY social (if you can't tell) so sometimes she just gets caught up in saying hi and talking to everyone else instead of me.

The fact that L didn't talk to me is another matter entirely. Kinda wish things were different, but i'm not gonna get too upset about it. We'll see what all happens.

So, long story short, i'm going to lunch with CJ today and going home with her this weekend. Complete with lindsey also. joy. Could be pretty epic or just compeltely aful. we'll see....

ok, i have to go to class now. LOVE YOU LADIES! hello and thank you to all my new followers! i haven;t gotten a chance to comment on your alls blogs lately, but i'm absolutely loving/appreciating all of you and your lovely comments. you girls are seriously the greatest. And i'm reading every single thing you write. Hope you all have wonderful days!

Oh, and ps, i haven't eaten yet today and i'm just going to subway for lunch, so today should be good food-wise. i feel much skinnier today, even if it's all in my head. love those kind of days :)

Monday, October 18, 2010

i know i promised no more depressing posts, but i just need some advice from you all. i'm really upset, i've been crying for a little while and i dont know what to do.

today is bad. it's the whole CJ thing. well, and a little bit of L too, i guess, but not so much.

ok, so L never texted me yesterday. yeah, ok, so i really liked him and had a good time the other night and was hoping that he would text me, but honestly, i'll be just fine if nothing happens between us either. it doesn't bother me if it turns out to just be a random hook-up. anyway, i texted CJ today and asked her if we were still going to lunch today, and she was like "yeah, if you want to. i think L is gonna be there too."i thought that was a little strange because it wouldn't matter to me if he was there or not. i was like "ok, well thats fine. it it alright if ashley comes too?" (ashley is my roommate, by the way.) and she responded with "yeah, it may just be kind of hard to find seats though because we usually just get a table for the 3 of us." (the three being CJ, L, and another girl who is good friends with CJ and whom i've never really though particularly cared for me.)

i just kinda got the feeling that she didnt really want us there, but i just decided to go anyway. When we got there, she basically didnt say anything to me, and L didn't either. it was really awkward. Ashley and i got our lunch and ate everything before she and L even got through line and got a chance to sit down, and ashley had to go to work, so i just left with her. ashley agreed, things were really awkward, and i didnt want to wait through the torture of sitting there while L and CJ just ate and ignored me.

i'm just really upset. As you all know, things were kinda strange between CJ and I before this whole L situation, but for some reason now i think that made everything worse, and i jsut don't know why. like i said, i dont care about the whole L situation. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, and i would never put any boy before CJ. she's my best friend. she's the reason i love school so much. i dont know if i'm just reading everything the wrong way, but i just think that ever since i told her yesterday that i liked L, things got bad. And theres no reason for that, because she doesn't like L. shes basically dating that frat guy, and she's told me before that she and L are just best friends, and would never date. And trust me, CJ would never lie about something like that, plus she told me before she had ANY clue that i liked him.

i'm probably overreacting, and i know i should just talk to her about this, but i can't right now (becuase she's currently still at lunch with L) but it just made me want to cry and i jsut wanted to see what you all thought, i mean, i can tell you girls anything and i knwo that you all arent afraid to tell me exactly like it is.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

ok, well first of all...thank you all for the lovely comments on the last post/the advice. they were actually really funny to me, cause i love how i can get on here and tell you guys i just got wasted, high, purged food, starved myself, killed a man...haha you name it, i can get on here and tell you all, and everyone is like "haha thats funny, no big deal, heres some advice, love you!" kind of stuff. i love you ladies for that, so thanks :)

ok, now were getting into some girl talk. a gushy high-schoolish gossip kind of matter. can i just tell you, yesterday was probably one of the funnest days i've had in SO long. be forewarned that this is a really long story, but i'm just really excited.

so we had a home football game, and it was parent's weekend at school. CJ and i went to tailgate with our friends and their parents, and it was really fun. we we're all drinking and having an awesome time, and i was really enjoying myself. Didn't know that things were going to be getting even better.

L came over to hang out with us. L and i are pretty good friends, and we were just standing next to each other, not even talking at this point, when my friends mom looks at us and says "so...are you two an item?"

i dont know what made her say that, because we really werent giving off those kind of vibes at all, but L and i just started laughing and said no, but then L gives me a big hug and says "but we could be right? i mean we look pretty good together!" and everyone was just laughing and we made a big joke out of it and started calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend for the night.

Well, L proceeds to get really drunk. i'm a little tipsy, but MUCH better than he was. so as we're walking to the game, L holds my hand, then at the game, he just wrapped his arms around me and held my hands some more and we just talked the whole time. It was really nice...but i just kind of assumed he was really drunk so i didnt think anything about it. L is really popular here at school and actually has a lot of girls after him, so a ton of people kept high fiving him and saying things like "oh she's pretty!" and asking if we were dating, and we kept saying yes, to carry on the joke of the night.

Well later, our friends go out to eat with their parents and CJ ends up going to a bar so L and i were alone. We go back to my room to watch a movie and he just held me the whole time, then we went to a friends house for a while. After that, he invites me back to his room because he says that he wants to spend some more time with me. Keep in mind that L has a private room, and that it is about 1 in the morning at this point. I agree, and we go upstairs to just lay in his bed. He just wrapped his arms around me and held my hands the whole night and it was really sweet....and we ended up kissing.

This is what excites me the most. Let me tell you guys...i'm pretty much a pro at random one time hookups. I dont have sex or anything, i'm just like the make-out queen, i'm telling you. So my point is, i know that when you randomly make out with someone, its usually very hot and heavy and the guy is just trying to get as much as he can as fast as he can. This was so different. I wish i could describe this kissing for you ladies...he had to have taken notes from chick-flicks. it was the softest, kindest, most gentle kiss in the world. like, the whole, put his hand on my cheek, hold my face....it was good. it was hot. seriously the most loving kiss i've ever felt...which is strange since were not together....

anyway, were kissing and everything, and he stops and looks at me and says "hey, i dont know what you're expecting, but before this goes any farther, is it alright if we just leave sex out of this for now?"

i just about died right there. WHAT GUY SAYS THAT?! i know it's sad that i should think thats such a big deal, but guys dont do that. every guy wants sex. i've never had a guy be so respectful about it. So...long story short, i stayed in his room wrapped in his arms until 5 am. i told him i had to leave, and he didnt want me to..but he went and checked me out from the desk, gave me a hug and a kiss and told me he would text me today.

Well, he hasn't. i'm not too worried about it though. i definitely was not looking for a boyfriend, and yes i would be happy if the right guy came along, and esp. if he was that right guy, but if we dont end up dating...i wont be devastated.

I have been thinking about him all day though. Like i said, a lot different from any other random hookup i've ever had. I told CJ a little about it today though, and she said that she didn't think us together would be a good idea. she said "i'll be straight, he's never wanted anything serious." but then a few minutes later she texted me and said "well, maybe he's actually changing his ways though, he's kinda been talking about getting a girlfriend some lately."

so i dont know. but there were so many little sweet, gentlemanly things he did last night and i wish i could tell you about all of them, but that would make this post sooo much freaking longer than it already is.

sorry...i just haven't felt this excited/hopeful for a guy in a long time. he's probably the first guy that i actually LIKE in college and didn't just want to hook up with.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

so, i went out with CJ last night. it was all pretty good, i mean before we left though, she was telling me about how she had gone out with lindsey that day and started drinking at 11 am. Also, she told me that she has had sex a few times with the guy at the frat that shes been talking to. It's not like it bothers me that people are having sex, whatever, but CJ was SO against that last year. she just lost her virginity this summer to a guy whom she really loved, and now shes telling me shes having sex with this other guy just because he wants to, and that it means nothing to her.

Whatever, the rest of the night was pretty good though, same as always, same CJ, same good times.

Well, except for the fact that i was a royal shitshow.

Whatever, i haven't been out in so long, i dont care that i went out and had a little too much fun last night. BUT i did get a little too wild.

I ended up smoking weed. I mean, i had always wanted to try it, but never had. So after like 5 beers, two shots of rum and random tastes of everyone elses drinks, i decided "ah...fuck it. why the hell not?"

I'll tell you why the hell not. BECAUSE I'M APPLYING TO NURSING SCHOOL SOON. I know they do a drug test, i just don't know exactly when. I'm hoping i can get it all out of my system before then...cause i've been told that weed can stay in your system for up to two months? Shit. So i'll just be consuming copious amounts of water until then. I'm screwed if they take a hair sample though.

Anyways, i was pretty far gone, and CJ ended up taking us to taco bell. The thought of taco bell sober would be enough to make me puke, but drunk.....

i ended up puking in the parking lot of the drive through then stumbling into the bushes to puke some more. It was only like 1 am too. I definitely went too fast....

well, at least i puked up all the calories i drank. too bad i gained them all back when i demolished one of those GIANT burritos.

Football game today. probably tailgating all day. I may want to sit out the drinking though because of last night.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

this isn't going to be a particularly happy post. I really just need to get my feelings out, but none of this really applies to you guys in any way so feel free to just stop reading now if you want

i'm upset. i feel like i'm losing my best friend. I feel like i'm losing CJ. The last time i saw her, i went over to help her move into her new dorm, cause she quit her job at the other dorm. When i was over there, she starts saying things like how she's kinda glad that she's not going to be in an honors dorm anymore, because she didnt want to be one of those typical honors kids (which we both are) i dont know why that upset me...but i think its because last year she was sooooo proud of being in the honors college. she went to honors clubs and really promoted the college and everything. She and I always joked that we were the only two people to ever go to parties from our dorm, but still, she loved it.

then we went dinner with all of the girls that i live with now. i see them all the time, and last year, CJ and I were best friends with them, even though we kinda still considered ourselves kinda on the outside of the group because we partied. idk, CJ and i were just SUPER close, and we did things that the other girls wouldnt do, but we were all still best friends if that makes sense. So we were walking to dinner and she says "this just doesn't excite me." "what doesn't?" i say "moving into your new dorm?" "no, i mean these people...like going to dinner to see the girls. i'm just not excited about it. i don't really care to see them. i'd rather be having dinner with the guys." meaning the guys from the frat she always hangs out with now.

That hurt. these are my friends. these were HER friends too. she's changing.

also, shes been going out to that frat every night, and hanging out with this girl, lindsey, who is a nice girl and all, but is just kinda rough and is ALWAYS drunk when i see her. i've hung out with her probably 20 times and have never seen her sober. Then CJ is talking to one of the guys at the frat, so she stays the night at the house all the time...like not having sex with the guy...she just sleeps in his room after partying all night. I never see her anymore, cause i can't go out much with all the work i have this semester, but every time i do see her now, our conversations are always the same. she's always talking about what she and lindsey have been doing and who has fallen in love with her.

now, i need to explain something about CJ. she's my best friend. and i hope it stays that way, but there is one little thing about her that really annoys me...she kinda has an ego. i dont know if that's the right word though, because i don't really adequately know how to describe this quality of hers. She's the nicest girl in the world, and she doesn't intend to show off, and she's so friendly to everyone and truly is just comfortable around everyone, but thats the thing...everyone who meets CJ just loves her, because she will go out of her way to do anything for you, plus shes a ton of fun. Well, thats all great, but people also love to tell her how sweet she is and how glad they are that they're friends...and she just lives for that. And that's what she talks about A LOT. its always..."so i went out with [insert random name here] the other night and we were playing cornhole, and he just looked at me and was like 'CJ, youre the coolest girl ive ever met. seriously, i'm so glad youre around.' and i just think thats so sweet of him! i think i'm the only girl that will go out and have a good time and play cornhole and beer pong and not care what i look like and blah blah blah..." it just gets annoying, hearing all the time about who thinks shes so awesome now. she's just proud of being a good friend, but it crosses the line sometimes and she doesnt realize it.

so i texted her tonight and i was like "CJ...i havent seen you in almost 3 weeks. you live right across the street from me. wtf. i miss you. what are you doing tomorrow?"

and she says "partying. of course." right. of course, because thats what shes always doing now.

"oh ok, well i'm gonna party with you tomorrow for the first time in forever then right?! i havent been out with you for so long!"

and she responds "ummm YES! I go out like every other night now."

why does this annoy me? idk. just because i think shes becoming someone she isn't again. she was always a partier, we both were, but we knew when to tone it down too....and i feel like shes replacing me with lindsey and actually BECOMING lindsey and i dont like it. i'm losing my best friend in the world, and theres no one i can talk to about it here because they all know her and i cant just be like "CJ doesn't really like you all anymore and that upsets me."

i'm sorry, this was very long, and probably very confusing, and all very high-school-drama-ish. but i just got really upset about it tonight, and i needed to get my feelings out somewhere. am i overreacting?

congrats if you made it this far. i promise that there will be no more depressing posts anytime soon (since thats all i've had lately.)

tomorrow is a new day and it's going to be good and positive. i dont think my writing ever really conveys how incredibly HAPPY i actually am with my life.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

just kidding from the last post guys. i know i said that i would fast today but well....i kinda forgot that i had already made dinner plans tonight, and i don't want to cancel these. so today i just vowed to keep my calories low. i had a small bowl of cereal this morning, and now i'm not eating until dinner. plus, i'll keep dinner small also.

i also got my lazy self out of this room and took a much needed study break at the gym. i was only there for half an hour, but i ran a mile and a half and i did abs for a few minutes. today i'm supposedly at -78 calories. not amazing, i could be at about -250 or so for the day, but hey, negative is negative.

ok, i'm REALLY procrastinating now. i need to study some more. tomorrow is the big day. the day from hell. my two presentations are due and i have my microbiology exam. i've been worrying so much about it that i've gotten my stomach all messed up. i had to take some medicine last night to keep myself from getting too sick...because as much as i wouldnt have minded emptying my stomach, i just cant afford any time to be laying on the bathroom floor haha

ok, i'm off to cram in a good 10 or so more hours of studying. oh college....

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

if you all are looking for a little bit of thinspo, or just looking to avoid gainined 5,000 lbs like me over halloween, then go check this out. I mean, i already tried to count the calories in some of the candy ive been eating, but this jsut really puts it into perspective and just how far one little piece of candy can go. It also gives some good advice on how to avoid the little fuckers of pure sugar and fat.

let's try not to make halloween a complete shit show ok? i mean....unless youre drinkign those calories ;)

haha ok, love you all.

and to update, i ate another bowl of cereal for dinner. not shabby for the day though. still 500 cals under what my app on my ipod says i need to be under to lose two lbs a week. i'm SOOO ready to get all this FAT off of me! i leave for my cruise december 28th. That gives me 2 1/2 months to look good! i know i could lose a ton before then! i have to do this!

gdsofsiehof i'm so impatient!!i wish i could just wake up one morning and i would be skinnyor AT LEAST be able to tell a difference in the way i look.but no, no matter how hard i think i'm trying or how little i eat, i never seem to lose anything.

today i've eaten:one bowl of special K with skim milk

looked in the mirror....i'm just as gross as ever. There is fat hanging everywhere. i look disgusting.welp...there goes my plans for dinner....

Monday, October 11, 2010

ok well the food situation is back under control. i haven't eaten today, and probably wont eat until dinner tonight. Went to the gym and burned about 400 calories. yay!Also, the scale at the gym said 147.0 today, which is good...a pound off. but i don't know how accurate it is right now considering the bloating...we shall wait and see.

i'm going to die this week. i'm under so much stress its incredible. I have 3 huge things due on thursday.

heres my to do list for this week:

study four chapter of microbiology for exam on thursdayfinish huge nursing presentation due on thursdaystart and finish huge french presentation due on thursdayfinish two chapters of stats homework due on wednesdaydo all my french homework, due each daywrite a music paper, due tomorrowschedule my classes for next semester

take micro exampresent french projectpresent nursing presentation

prepare for french final next tuesday

not to mention, sometime soon i have to:

meet with my advisorstart HUGE nursing papercontact the local hospital to ask about volunteeringschedule my nursing entrance examget recertified in CPRfill out nursing school applicationtry to find a joblook into getting my CNA license for this summerwork out.

i'm about to have a breakdown just thinking about all of this. i think i'm going to give myself an ulcer.

i just need to keep breathing. If I can make it past thursday, then things will get so much easier.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

you're born, you get a few good years during childhood, then all the sudden you wake up, and your boobs are a little bigger, and they hurt like hell for about 4 years. During this time of awful boob pain, fat also starts to grow....on top of the muscle mind you, because boys are the fortunate ones that get muscle OVER fat therefore constantly looking halfway in shape, and you get bigger...and bigger...and bigger, and you're never satisfied with how you look because you and every guy you're around is constantly comparing you to other girls. Then you wake up one morning only to discover that you re bleeding everywhere. joy. the pain is incredible, it makes you look fatter, it makes your boobs hurt more, its messy, you break out, your emotions go haywire, headaches are a constant, you crave EVERYTHING, amongst other lovely things....and you realize that you will have to experience this for a week straight every month for the next forty or so years. what is your reward for all this? after searching your whole life and finding a decent guy worth starting a family with, you get pregnant, put up worth nine months of getting even fatter, going through even more pain, having even more cravings and more emotional outbursts, then on your lucky day, you get to scream your head off as you push a human out of you. Said human breaks your tailbone, rips your vagina, and causes you to shit in front of everyone. You may do this a few more times until you finally decide to stop, but you get stuck with screaming, messy, hungry kids every day, until finally, when they get old enough to take care of themselves, you start menopause, feel even crappier, then you die. During this entire cycle, the men sit back and have the audacity to talk about how crazy women are, and treat them like shit. HOW IS THIS FAIR?!

lol ok, my little rant is finished. it just think this is a little ridiculous. why dont guys have to deal with any of this?!?! okay, well anyway, as you can guess, i'm pmsing, been eating like CRAZY, which sucks since the week before i did SO amazing, but now i look like a weigh 5,000 pounds.

Oh, and my ex boyfriend nick texted me last night....he has a hard time during this time of year due to some personal issues, and i think he was looking for me to comfort him. i was pretty nice to him, as much as i still hate to think about how much he hurt me, but i think i said something to make him mad (although i wasn't trying to) and he stopped texting, and he didn't text me back at all today.i dont know. honestly i dont really care though.... i may go into more detail with this story later, i know it probably sounds pretty confusing at this point, but im just too tired and cant think straight

i'm not feeling right. i can't think straight right now. i'm kinda dizzy and a feel like im going to pass out...its that drunk feeling again like im not really here...see former posts. it's scary...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

i only emphasize that because i didn't just get my computer back, but also because i've gotten most of my self control back. I've been doing damn good.

i got an iphone, and i downloaded this app that helps you keep track of how many calories you eat a day, how many you burn, and how quickly you want to lose weight. It told me that to lose 2 pounds a week, i should limit myself to 1,077 calories a day. welllllll, so far this week, i've been averaging around 700-800 calories a day, AND i've been going to the gym every single day and running a mile a half. thats right, i've made it past my limit of simply a mile, and i've worked myself up to a mile and a half. i know that sounds like nothing, but for me, running that far is inredible. last year, i could barely even finish .2 of a mile. yeah, i'm serious. not only that, but after i run a mile and a half and walk about another mile, i go do abs for a while, then i go swim for about another half hour. i'm burning around 500 cals, therefore putting me at a total of around 350 calories a day. HELL FUCKING YES!

yesterday i ate a little bit more than normal, so today i decided to really cut back. all i ate today was a reese cup, then for dinner i had some oatmeal and beer. lmao, i was just really raving a beer. unfortunately, i didn't get to work out today, so my calories are about the same...around 300 or so. but i'll take that.

anyway, i still feel huge. i haven't weighed in this week at all, but hopefully if i an find enough time to get to the gym tomorrow, i'll weigh myself then.

i don't know why i'm doing this, but tonight (since my roommate is gone) i decided to take some pictures to show you all what i look like (my stomach i mean.) overall, i think i've made some progress since i started, but i still think i have a ton to lose. obviously.

sorry for hurting your alls eyes with these.

sorry guys but i don't like to keep pictures up for very long, had to take these down! but thank you for the lovely comments :)

ok so, priorities:back fat. obviously.hips. does anyone know any good oblique exercises? or how to loose those love handles? its like whenever i lose my waist gets a little smaller but my side fat stays huge. wtf.

like i said, sorry for making you all sick. don't worry, soon you will see GOOD PICTURES.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

well my computer is sick. Not from the virus though. Hardware problem with my screen. Go figure. I'm typing with my iPod which is not so easy. My computer will probably be gone for a while so I won't post until I get it back. I'll miss you ladies!!!

Monday, September 20, 2010

well, my computer is alive. The virus still hasn't gotten it, which is good...but i haven't found the time to call the IT department yet and get it taken care of...so i'm kinda just hoping things stay alright.

my phone is messed up. ironic since i wanted to start this whole texting thing, but my keys are doing this weird thing where basically it puts a wrong letter every time i type something, so i essentially i cant text.

I went to the gym on friday and worked out for a really long time. Ran a mile, did some abs, even swam a little and i was feeling super skinny. I decided to finally weigh myself and i got on the scale and.....

148.6.

what. the. fuck.

I've GAINED .6 of a pound?! i was freaking out for a little while, but I got my period that night, so i'm going to blame it on bloating and wait until that's over to weigh again.

Also, because i'm such a super nerd, i've changed my homepage to the french yahoo. everyday i try to read an article (or as much of an article as i can) in french to practice. It's a pretty slow process, but i'm getting a lot better. Anyway, today i read an article on there that says the MAYO clinic here in the states has just found that exercising really just doesn't help you lose weight. It was saying that the amount of energy you spend trying to burn off the calories just isn't worth it in the end, because it takes so long to burn off just 500 calories, which is the equivalent to just two donuts. I don't know how i feel about this. I always knew it took forever to burn calories, but i figured it was doing SOMETHING. it kinda makes me feel less guilty about occasionally missing a day at the gym, but it also makes me feel bad because now i'm like "well fuck, what now?"

the last paragraph of the article generally says that unless you're an athlete training like an olympian, it's probably easier to just skip a meal than to work it off.

i don't know if there is anyone out there who can read french, but i'm going to post the article in case you all are interested. You can get the just of it by using google translate too if you must.

That's all i have for today, i must go study for my first microbiology test tomorrow! wish me luck!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

ok so i just posted basically all of this on lilah's blog, but i just got on blogger to bitch about my weight and how fat i feel and then the last line of lilahs post said "i hate people who bitch about their weight but dont work out!" and i realized...thats me right now! ok so i know she didnt mean me specifically, and i know she just meant people who NEVER work out at all and probably dont diet either, BUT it got me thinking...

the reason that i dont stay focused is because i have no one to answer to. I have no dietitian, personal trainer, or anyone else to force me to eat right or exercise. All I have to answer to is myself...and we all know how our willpower usually is...mine definitely lets me down A LOT. I need someone at those times of the day when i have the opportunity to work out but just dont want to to yell at me and say "frenzy! go look at yourself in the mirror! youre a fatass! you cant go on a cruise looking like that! you cant go to france being that fat disgusting american! you cant get a tattoo on your fat stomach and show everyone! you NEED TO EXERCISE NOW!"

SO...my grand idea. we should all text each other at specific times of the day and say something like that! have someone besides ourself to answer to! For instance, i always have a 3 hour break between my classes on monday, wednesday, and friday. My goal is to go exercise for at least an hour right after my first class...however, after class i don't feel like it a lot of times and just decide to skip it. BUT if i had someone text me at that exact time i get out of class, it would motivate me to go! and i could text back as a certain time and ask for you to tell me exactly what you've eaten that day and how many calories everything was, without lying!

does this sound crazy or useless? idk...i think it would motivate me. We could set up rules like "whenever i text you to work out, you have to respond within 15 minutes saying that youre going to work out or you have to cut back the amount of calories youre going to eat today by 200" or something like that...idk, we could work it all out. the reason i want more than one person to do this with me is becausea) were a community, and lean on/support each other. we're all in this together and should be 24/7...not just when we check our blogger.b) if we have more people, it would be easier to arrange times to text. for instance, say i wanted lilah to text me at noon every monday, but maybe she has work and can't use her phone..someone else could text me at that time on mondays instead!c)the more people you have texting you, the more you wont want to let them all down, and the more motivating it is!

so anyway, its just a thought. let me know what you think! if you're interested, comment and i'll get you my email and then give you my phone number through that (cause i dont like just posting my cell number online) and we can work out times! (by the way guys, i dont think i can text outside the US...but if youre not american and you still want to work something out then we can. Like maybe i could send you a facebook message instead to tell you to work out or ask you how much youve eaten?)

No, i haven't been going on major junk food binges or anything, but i'm not restricting like i was and i'm not exercising either.

I used to just eat dinner every night after all my classes. probably just one sandwich wrap, which totals around 400 calories. Plus, I worked out every day.

Now, I've gotten into the habit of eating lunch and dinner...probably somewhere around 800 calories.

every now and then I eat breakfast too.

Not exercising either. damnit.

At least the things i've been eating are for the most part somewhat healthy. a sandwich wrap and a salad. But still, starting next week (because that will be the easiest for me) i'm going to start restricting more and working out again. I've given my legs over a week to heal, so i should hopefully be good by then. If not, i'll just do a ton of abs and then start swimming every day :/

a virus is currently trying to attack my computer. My antivirus software keeps catching it before it can do anything (that i thus far know of) but it still comes up with this annoying pop up about every 2 minutes to tell me it stopped it again. you should see the list of how many times it's tried to get in...its like, hundreds. I've run all my full system scans and everything but it still wont go away.

Fuck you, annoying virus, fuck you.

But anyway, if i disappear for a few days...you know what happened. the virus got me. I am infected. Not dying, just in recovery for a few days. :)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

i should be doing statistics homework right now..it's due in 3 hours, but i just don't want to. I hate stats. Stupid pre-reqs.

thanks everyone for all the advice/support/what-have-you concerning the last post. I feel completely fine now. Funny how it comes and goes. Anyway, I talked to my parents about it and they said I should wait until it happens again before I go to the doctor. But I will go when it does happen to see if it is something physical or mental. Should be pretty interesting, since it points to something mental (GAD) but it feels 100% physical and doesn't come on when i'm stressed. Whatever.

Yesterday I ate alot.

Lunch:small salad with just a little italian dressingabout 2 bites of pasta salad1 wheat wrap with turkey and provolone

Dinner: my roomie wanted to try the new burger place on campus1 veggie burger1 small order of curly fries

i don't even feel like counting all those calories.

The good thing is though, that besides the curly fries, it was all decently healthy. I loaded up my spinach salad with veggies, and there was lettuce and tomato and such in my wrap and burger.

who knows if i'll eat anything else today. I wont eat before class at 3, then right after I have to go to a function for my nursing class, then after that my friends and I are going on a wal-mart run at 6....so i'm hoping not. Maybe something small later tonight? I hope that is all.

I need to go to the gym...but I can't run or do anything involving my legs. I feel like I can't do enough abs to really make a difference, and i just can't bring myself to swim. Idk...but i need to figure something out cause just cutting calories isn't enough. I need to exercise too.

I also want hot passionate lovin with a boy. don't want a boyFRIEND...but I want something steamy :) I think my hormones are kicking in before i get a visit from mother nature. After that's come and gone though, I'm going to go back to the gym and weigh myself. I keep forgetting when I'm there. might as well wait until i'm not bloated at all.

Ok, another random/useless post. Hope all you lovelies are kicking ass at life...but of course you are!

Monday, September 13, 2010

i ended up eating today. and i am about to eat some ice cream even though i don't want to and i'm not hungry. something weird is going on with me

recently i've been getting this strange sensation, and i don't really know how to describe it other than the fact that i'm out of touch with reality. I mean, i know what is going on around me, i could carry on a conversation and i probably look and act completely normal, but i feel like im floating away or something. Like, i'm looking at myself from a distance, or watching my life through a video camera. I feel drunk. I can't concentrate on anything no matter how hard i try. This has happened to me four different times that I know of, and 3 of them have been within the last 2 weeks. it's the strangest feeling in the world.

I think it might be because my sugar is low. I'm hypoglycemic, and every now and then my sugar drops and i get shaky, weak, incredibly nervous, unbalanced....i've dealt with this for a while, but i now know exactly when it's coming on and if i just eat something small I feel better within 10 minutes. I think this new feeling is probably low blood sugar, but i don't get shaky, i don't feel the intense NEED to eat at that moment, i just don't feel like i really exist. And it hasn't gotten better after eating. It's happening right now, if you all can't tell by my weirdness.

I'm kinda scared. I tried to go to the health clinic on campus but they were closed for the day, so i'm going to an ice cream social later in hopes that the calorie ridden food can raise my sugar more and make it go away? I have 2 tests tomorrow that i need to study for and i can't study when i feel like this.

Anyway, the reason that i'm writing about this because i was wondering if you all have ever experienced this before...sans drinking or drug use loli'm sure we've all probably experienced low blood sugar once or twice before given that we don't eat a lot, so i'm just curious as to whether this has happened to anyone.

Also, i've been researching my symptoms online, and it's basically given me everything possible. allergies, hypoglycemia, hypothyroidism, multiple sclerosis, brain tumor..you name it, i could have it, BUT it also keeps coming up with generalized anxiety disorder. I've suspected before that i've had that even though i don't feel stressed now, didn't feel stressed when it's happened before, and have never had a panic attack. My heart isn't beating fast, i'm not breathing hard, idk. Anyway, Lilah i know you said you had GAD...is this familiar to you at all?

Anyway, sorry to bother you guys with this. I know i should see the doctor and i will but i cant right now so i'm making you all my doctors for the moment haha just curious to see if you all have ever felt this way before. Hopefully not. I'll let you know how everything turns out

i really have nothing exciting to share with you all today. I just feel that i needed to post something for absolutely no reason.

I didn't eat much yesterday, probably about 600 calories though just because what little i did eat was junk food

today i haven't eaten at all. I don't knwo that i'll be able to fast, but i'm going to at least make it until after my class which is over at 4:30

My french class was canceled this morning, meaning that i got to sleep in and now i only have one class at 3. woohoo!!

So i went to work out. The gym was really crowded. Attempted to run a mile only to discover that I have shin splints. great. I had to stop after half a mile then the gym was too crowded to do anything else so i just left. I'm planning on going back tonight though to hopefully either swim or do a pilates class. We'll see how that goes though.

Today, my total intake is negative 160 calories

yeahhhhhhhhh.

and thanks for all the love guys....oh and i now have 19 followers! i'm super excited but also feel kinda lame cause it's taken me so long to even get 19. haha hey visitors! help me make it to at least 20?!

But to all thsoe who do follow, i truely love and appreciate you all and am here to ehlp and support you in whatever you do. thanks, everyone have a grand day!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Thursday, went to my friend's birthday party and drank. I was really enjoying myself, and it was pretty chill, but CJ wanted to drive over to another party kinda far from campus and say hello to some people. I had been drinking, but she had only had like maybe 2 beers so she said she would be the DD for the night, we would go out to the party for maybe an hour or two jsut to say hello, then come back to the apratment and chill with the guys some more before she drove me back to my dorm around mindnight so that I could get some sleep before my class in the morning. So i agreed, and she drove us out to the party, where she then proceeded to play about 6 rounds of beer pong and get completely smashed. Great job, DD. So I kept wanting to leave, but she didn't want to and there was no way she was gonna be able to drive, so i basically had to beg these random guys to drive me all the way back to campus, and i didn't end up getting back until around 2:30.

Friday, I was pretty pissed at CJ. I've never been mad at her before, but she kinda screwed me over the night before. But she wanted to ride along and break into my house with me, so i decided to just let it go, and i got over it pretty quickly. I went out with CJ again that night and just went to some guy's house about 15 minutes from the main town, and just chilled and drank a bunch of beer. I really had SO much fun though. L was supposed to come out, but he told me that he decided not to, because he had an 8 am class. by the end of the night though, he was drunk texteing me asking me to come to a different party and see him. Liar! lol but really, we were pretty far away and i think he just decided to go to the other party so tha the could walk back. At least he wanted to hang out. I ended up just staying where I was though, cause I was having an awesome time.

That night I called my friend from high school to tell her that I would be at the game saturday and that i wanted to see her, and she was asking me to go with her to one of the frat parties....which just happened to be the frat my douche ex Nick is in. She said "would you mind seeing nick?" at this point I was pretty drunk so I was like "i don't give a fuck if I see nick or not. I couldn't care less about him" then she said "well I didn't know, I thought it may be weird cause i'm convinced that he's still madly in love with you."

Great. Whatever. I had forgotten about him before I even hung up the phone.

So then Yesterday, I got up early and my friends and I drove 3 hours away to the football game. I was still pretty drunk from the night before by the time we left, but I was completely convinced that I wasn't gonna go to the frat party where Nick was. Regardless of what I had said the night before, I'm still pretty bitter about the things he did to me and just wasn't ready to see his face again.

So we get to the girls house where we're staying for the night, and we all go out on the front porch and start pregaming, when I look across the street and....

you guessed it.

Out of all the houses in that huge city, I somehow managed to end up at the one right across from the frat party that nick was at. FML. I didn't see him though, so I jsut kept drinking and having a good time. Later that day, I was sitting on the porch when my friend that I had talked to the night before walked by. I haven't seen her since we graduated, so I ran out into the front yard and gave her a huge hug. Now, where we were tailgating, EVERYONE was wearing blue...except for my little group which was in red--our school's color. As i'm standing in the front year talking, I hear a familiar voice from across the street start booing, which was quickly followed by every other frat guy at the house. Booing my red shirt I assume. Fuck yuou nick, fuck you. I just kinda ignored it though and kept talking. I eventually go back onto the porch, and for the rest of the day I was forced to see nick, sitting on the porch right across the street, looking all fratty and douchy in his pink polo, booing every red shirt that walked by. What an idiot. I refused to go talk to him though, but I'm convinced he knew it was me and kept staring at me the whole day.

Anyway, i'm back today and had an awesome weekend regardless. I need to calm down on my drinking though, i pretty much only had a few hours of soberness since thursday. I don't need to get crazy, and I dont want to gain all that weight back again either. I'm making myself look like an ass with all the partying.

L did call me again last night though (drunk again) and told me he wanted to hang out. I dont know what to think about this kid. He's even more out of control thant I am. Super sweet, but a HUGE partier, and i don't think he'd be good for me. I just love his personality though. If only he would calm down JUST a little and get some more goals for his life. But if he's interested in me too, i dont know what i should do. he may be fun for a little while and super caring...idk.

Friday, September 10, 2010

So remember how i told you right before i left for school my mom and i decided to remodel my bedroom at home? well this involved tearing the carpet out so that i could have the hardwoods that were underneath them. Anyway, the hardwoods were in terrible shape and they need to be refinished. That's gonna happen sunday.

The reason that is bad is because when i moved into school, i had all this alcohol i had hidden in my room at home, in the bottom of my closet, and i couldn't take it with me because i couldn't figure out where to pack it in all my things so that i could be positive that my parents wouldn't find it while we were moving in. So I left it, sitting there buried in my closet, and i planned to just come back and get it whenever i came home next. I never thought my mom would be getting our hardwoods refinished so soon.

So can you see why that would be a problem? In the bottom of my closet I had two fifths of vodka, a little bit of crown royal, and a huge painted cup from my ocho de mayo party that was clearly used to get crunk. On sunday a man is coming out to finish all my floors, including the ones in my closet, which would surely have to be cleaned out by my parents.

Plus, I had some other things (notes and a pair of boxers....lame, i know) from my douche bag ex boyfriend hidden in my dresser drawers, which are also going to be cleaned out on sunday so that my furniture can be repainted.

So, to sum up, i need to get home a clean out my room before sunday if i wished to live any longer.

I know what you're thinking...why didn't you just go home this weekend and pack it with your things when you left? Well, that would have been a good idea, but i couldn't cover that up. There is absolutely NO reason for me to be home this weekend 1)i hardly ever come home for anything, so it would be suspicious to come home for no reason during my second week of school2) there is a huge football game tomorrow which my mom knows im going to. Why would i come home and miss that?3) i couldn't tell my parents i needed to come home to get some things that I forgot to bring with me to school, because I just saw them at the lake last weekend and had them bring me a list of things I knew I needed...not yet aware that my floors would be redone this weekend.

So anyway, the only logical (ha!) thing that I could do, would be to drive up there while my parents were at work, sneak into my own house without them knowing, and clean everything out. That was my only option, clearly. Yes, this story IS THAT PATHETIC.

So these last couple days ive been trying to figure out when my mom would be coming home from work. I had three options: 2:00 pm, 3:00 pm, or 6:00 pm. 99% of days, my mom is home either at 3 or 6, but oh no, today would be one of the ONLY early days she ever works, where she gets off at 1:30 and would be home by 2 at the latest. Of course.

So to continue, i went out last night with CJ, and got pretty drunk. I drank almost a full bottle of wine and 4-5 beers, all on an empty stomach. L didn't come out with us last night, which i was upset about, but that's another long story that I won't include in this novel of a post.

I got back to my dorm at 2 AM, and I had to get up and go to my french class at 9:10...and i just couldn't skip it. So I got up, went to french incredibly tired and still kinda drunk, then after french I booked it to my car, picked CJ up, and we drove like maniacs the two hours back to my house.

Do the math....I got out of class and left campus at 10:30.My house is an hour ahead of my school, so 11:30 their time.It takes me a good two hours to drive back home, meaning I would get there at 1:30, the exact time that my mom got off work and came home.I had a window of about 20 minutes to clean out my room and escape without my mom coming home to find me in the house, unannounced, with a purse full of alcohol.Stress.

Well, I crossed one more thing off my bucket list today...I drove over 100 mph. Not for very long, but i did for about 2 miles, and did around 85-90 most of the way home.

I kept laughing because if I were to get pulled over, I would have to explain to my parents why I had a HUGE ticket, thus raising my insurance, that i got by driving 100 mph in the rain on the way back to my house to preform a heist with last night's alcohol still in my system.It was pretty risky.

So I made it home by about 1:10, ran inside with CJ, raided my room, and ran back out and left in about 5 minutes. I felt like i should have been wearing all black and had a ski mask over my face.Didn't get caught. awesome.

So long story short, I succeeded. CJ and I went to get something to eat (she was really hungover and claimed we needed Qdoba. you know how I feel about that place) then drove 2 hours back to campus, where i took 2 Tylenol and fell into bed for about a 3 hour nap.

She wanted me to go get drunk with her again when we got back..but i was just too tired and had too bad of a headache for it.

Well anyway, thats my ridiculous yet pathetic story. I probably could have made it more exciting, but it's just too long and i don't feel like it right now. I'm pretty sure I need to re-examine my life haha

Simply put, these girls are just AMAZING! Go check them out and find out for yourself. Seriously!

People in my blog

CJ-my best friend. Met during our first year of college together last year, and have been basically inseperable ever since. Currently my roommate

L- my most recent ex-boyfriend. I really love him a lot, still, and he's my other half...my best friend in the world. Unfortunately, I don't think we'll ever be able to date again.

Frat boy- CJ's boyfriend. Very country.

Lindsey- CJ's kinda new best friend that i'm not a huge fan of. Alcoholic bitch would probably be a pretty fair description.

Ashley-my former roommate. Sweet girl, but never really goes out with me. Possibly has orthorexia...obsesses over working out and eating healthy.

Nick- ex boyfriend. We dated for several years in high school. He's not really in my life anymore, but our horrible relationship has had some lasting effects on my life, so i refer to him pretty frequently.