Keeping Track of a Submissive's Thoughts

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Past Time

Time has not been my friend for the last few weeks or maybe even the last few months. I don’t how when I work in an office (and no I am not currently working in one) I can have amazing time management and get all of my work done on time and usually long before it is ever do, but when it comes to my school work and house work, I am slacking. I just don’t get it! I try so hard to stay focused but it is so difficult! Algebra isn’t so bad, but the other…I can’t even tell you what I am learning in it because I am just going through the motions to get it done quickly. That is not how I want to be…so now how do I fix it?

I have come to several other conclusions over the past few weeks. I have realized that I am becoming more and more desensitized and less sympathetic to those around me. More things are pissing me off and it doesn’t matter if it is the mere thought of them or if they are actually around…they piss me off. I don’t care and amazingly…I don’t care that I don’t care. I don’t care that I am not sympathetic to their hurts, desires, wants, cares, pain, or anything like that. Could something be wrong with me? Is this because I am not taking estrogen? (I had a complete hysterectomy a few years ago.) I have always had a touch of this, but recently it has gotten so much worse. To the point that it takes all I have to not tell people to get the F’ away from me. It doesn’t mean I do not love these people in my life, but sometimes…I just need them to go away so I don’t begin to hate them. In some cases…it is to late.

Another conclusion I have is that I think I am ready for it to be just Master and I again. As much as I love my life I am so tired of dealing with other people. Feeling forced into conversations I could care less about and having to listen to shit I just don’t want to listen too. How do I get through this? Shouldn’t I be allowed to ONLY surround myself with people I actually enjoy talking too OR not be surrounded by people, at all? How does someone look someone in the face and tell them they are just not wanted? How do you tell a person that you just don’t want to find time to spend with them? How do you tell them, without being rude and hurtful, that you just could care less? How do I approach this subject with Master even? How do I tell him I just want to be alone with him again? I miss it being just him and me (and our family of course). I feel like we can’t be us or do the things we enjoy to do because we don’t have enough privacy. Privacy…hum there is a concept.

Recently Master told me he wants to spend a weekend in a hotel room so that we can have some privacy. HA! Want to know my answer to that? OKAY! I was and AM so excited about this. We talked about going to get some of the “toys” we want so that we can actually scene with each other and enjoy this amazing lifestyle we have chosen to live. I am looking forward to being treated like the dirty slut that I am for him. Crawl across the floor to kneel before my Master with my eyes lowered and my knees spread for his viewing pleasure. GAW! I can’t wait….I don’t even want to leave the room…I just want to order room service and get pleasure and give pleasure to the one man in my life whom I love with every beat of my little black heart.

I have been so extremely needy in the sexual department with my Master. I just can’t seem to get enough of him and as much as I know he loves it I know it is annoying at the same time. Isn’t it amazing how you THINK men are sex sex sex sex but sometimes they just want to do their own thing and not have to do anything else? Well, Master takes very good care of me of course, but I seem to just need MORE. So, the other day I had told him that I really needed to be fucked in my ass, of course I said with a huge grin on my face. Well, it didn’t happen that time, but he did bend me over the bed and *breaths deeply* fucked me so good I couldn’t even sit down without even a little pain. Like it has been so long since I got fucked so hard my pussy was actual sore. *shivers and grins* I love my Master…

Sex, sex is very important to me, it always has been (once I started to realize how amazing it was). It is amazing how after 9 years I look at my husband, yes I am calling him my husband for this, with such desire, want, and need. No, our sex life is NOT what it was nearly nine years ago, if it was no one would ever see us. We used to have sex so much…multiple times a day every day of the week. It was like we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, but those days are not far behind us. No, we don’t do it int he amount we used too, but the desire, need, and want is still amazingly as strong as before. Now, as submissive to her amazingly delicious Master, I know it isn’t about what I get out of the sex, but what he gets. I am so thrilled to give him that pleasure when HE wants it but I am thankful that, at times, he gives me the pleasure he feels I deserve. Maybe if I found my concentration and did more of the things I am supposed to do I will get rewarded more. *taps chin and thinks for a moment*

Well, it is time for me to go. I have work to get ready for and as much as I hate going there, it is a necessity. I promise I shall try to be more active in my blog…I think it is another one of those things I need to be more committed too, like school and housework. Blech…