I have quite a few friends of mine that are graduating from college this quarter. They are ready to enter the real world and I have no doubt in my mind that they will be successful and achieve many things in life. (Congrats kiddos!) Recently I went to see my advisor who I must see every quarter and he said “You can graduate this year! Better start applying for graduation!” I think that was the most enthusiastic I’ve seen him in all my time in school. Awesome, I could do that 4-year thing many people want to achieve. Then he asked me what I was planning to do after graduation, to get him off my case I said I want to do such and such BUT I don’t want to graduate right now. Now he looked at me like I was insane, which lately most people think I am. So why on earth am I not taking this opportunity to graduate after 4 years of school, with a good GPA? Because honestly, I have no clue as to what I want to do with my life, and that is my truth.

I hear a lot of stories that the school wants to push us to graduate as soon as possible, yeah well that’s lovely but does it matter? I mean I’m paying my tuition so whats the big deal, I’m putting my money, this is my investment and if I want to stay a year longer I will stay and that’s pretty much the end of that story. Everyone feels like I’m crazy mostly because they all thought that I had my life planned out, to be honest yeah I did have my life planned out. However, things rarely go according to plan and I recently realized that I’m fine with that. A lot of people feel that they will look insecure (I know this personally) if they admit that they have no idea where they want their life to go. Truth is it is scary but you know what, the longer you live in denial the more stuck you’re going to be. So there you go, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I’m OK with that. I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up in a field that is completely different from where I am now, all I want is to be happy doing whatever it is that I may end up doing. I’m not going to rush my life anymore, I’m going to seize the day, live day by day, enjoy life while I can. What good is it if I just rush my life and end up stuck somewhere I cant get out of? With that said, I shall get back to seizing my day for today =)

A few days ago I attended a conference that changed my life around. The story to how I even got to attend that conference is funny. Now that I look back I see how little things happened here and there that led me to apply to it when I didn’t even know what it was going to be about. Long story short, it was one of the best things I ever did.

I learned a lot about myself that weekend, I guess it was one of those things that hit me. First, I learned that I had a lot of internal conflict going on, stuff that was mostly there out of denial and the like. I learned that I had a lot of internal feelings that I never expressed and they were slowly dying to come out. I learned that I needed to open up, that if I wanted my life to be better if I wanted to be a better person I had to change. I learned that it’s ok to be vulnerable, to open up, to cry. I hadn’t cried in a awhile, let alone in front of someone else. When I did cry I would cry alone, on my own time, my own space. I believed that being vulnerable was for the weak, feelings or talking about them was nonsense. Turns out I have problems going back to when I was a kid, everything made more sense.

Now, I’m not going to go off blaming my parents for whatever they did, for oppressing me as a child, or for treating me like a little kid. I’m not going to blame any failed relationships for my fears of relationships. I’m not going to blame the people that criticized me harshly for my reactions. Why? Because no matter what happened, all the choices were mine and mine alone. If I became a relationship-a-phobe, that was my decision. If I wanted to be robotic in nature and not express myself, that was my choice alone.

However, the choices I made I made for a reason. I don’t regret them, actually I’m thankful that I made them. Weather good or bad, I had my reasons. The outcome wasn’t necessarily great and at times it made me worse of a person and that’s OK. Its not how bad or low of a human we become but what we are willing to do to be better. Better yet, the action of doing something about it. I learned a lot that weekend, more than I ever thought I would learn in my lifetime. So weather it was destiny that sent me there or a mere accident I’m very thankful it happened because it’s helped me change my life around, BIG TIME. I think this will be reflected often in future posts, and don’t be surprised if I bring this weekend up again. Never had I been more thankful of knowing my flaws, of knowing my mistakes or the wrong choices I’ve made. I’m ready to continue my life long process of self growth and understanding. I’m taking my baby steps because I want to make a change and to do that I must first make changes in my life.

Have you ever had a memory that was most heart breaking to you, and you wanted to forget? How about having that memory in the back of your head for years, and your denial keeping it there in the archives of your mind? Something happened to me last night, it was as if my personal archive had burst open and memories began to spill. I’m not sure why it happened, but I don’t regret it at all.

I’ll be honest with you, re-thinking about those things was painful to say the very least. But in the process I began to realize many things. Answer after answer came to my mind. My life made more sense last night than ever before. I understood my many actions, thoughts and beliefs. I understood why my denial had kept those memories in the back of my mind all these years. I had an epiphany, one like I had never had before.

Although remembering was painful as it had been many years ago, it was something that I needed to get a grasp on. I guess you can say that it was a form of personal closure of some kind. I confronted my reality of the past, a reality that I denied myself for years but I was all for the best. More things make sense now, my mind is no longer heavy.

Smile, confront the monsters of reality. It will be O.K. =)

Email Subscription

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.