Friday, June 10, 2011

Ask KayKi: Can my relationship survive infidelity?

Im a 22 year old mother of 2 kids who has been in a relationship for 5 years. My kid's father is a good man. We been together for forever and in my mind we would always be together. When I met him I was very young and insecure. He helped to build up my self esteem and make me into the confident women I am today. Nobody before him ever showed me that I was important or beautiful. I guess Im trying to get at that I love him. About 4 months ago I found out that he was cheating on me & I broke up with him. It broke my heart to know that the same guy I had spent all of this time loving and trusting could throw it all away over sex. I came to find out that he had cheated multiple times with this girl, got me looking like a damn fool.

Im heartbroken and sometimes I feel so depressed about it. He was my everything and now I feel like Ive lost that. He told me the truth when I confronted him about the situation and immediately started apologizing. He has been apologizing since. He also has been trying to convince me to get back with him and that our love is real. He said he made a mistake. I want to believe him, but Im scared. I cant describe the hurt I felt when I found out he was cheating. I dont want to feel that again. Do I love him, with out a doubt I do,, but I dont want to be a fool either. Nobody in my family has ever really liked him so I cant go to them. They want us to fail anyway. You are always tweeting such motivational quotes and as I was on your blog today (im on there everyday!!) I thought I maybe should ask you for advice. Maybe you can help me or another babykayk in my situation. Thank you so much Mamakayk.

BabyKayK,

Ok, first off MamaKayK is the cutest thing ever!!!! I love it! How come I never thought of it!? Alright, now to the serious stuff. Thanks for sending this in and trusting that I have some good advice to give you. I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Im a firm believer of one thing regarding relationships.. only the two people in the relationship can make it, or break it.

What I mean by that is, there will always be outside forces interfering with your relationship..always. Thats just the way life goes, but ultimately the decision to work around, through, or passed those forces is up to the people in the relationship. Cheating in my opinion is no different. Im not the woman who says, "once a cheater, always a cheater!" I believe people make mistakes, but are not defined by that mistake.

Im sure the fact that you all have such a history is a huge deciding factor. I say look at your relationship for what it is. If its been falling a part anyway, maybe its time to pray and discuss ending it for real.. but if he has been a good man and the history is good then maybe its time to pray and discuss keeping that thing together. Basically, pray. Thats step one in my opinion.

In looking at your relationship for what it is, ask yourself is it worth fighting for. I mean, sometimes it isnt. I dont know whether or not this is your case, only you do. Is the love you have for him worth another try. This is where you have to get your grown woman on and consider yourself. Not your kids, family, friends, or even him. Look inside of you and ask- is he whats good for me? Sometimes thats a hard question to answer, but you can start with a few smaller ones like, "Is he deceitful all of the time?" "Is he concerned with me bettering myself?" "Does he want me?"

That last question..whooo honey, its important. Many times you get stuck with somebody just because you been together for a while. & I know a lot of times when people cheat they wanna apologize with how much they love their partner. Its not always about love. Sometimes its about making that person sure, that you not only love or need them, but that you also want them. Its not that you cant live without them, its that you choose to live with them.. thats huge in a relationship.

So I said all of that to say, yes, I do believe a relationship can last through infidelity. Our imperfections are what we have to live with if we're single our spouses imperfections are what we live with when we are not. Its a choice and I cant make it for you, but I can tell you that your relationship can work if both of you are willing to push through this bump in the road. Now if youre chronically having to push through bumps of cheating, and lying, then its a matter of am I worth more than this, and the answer is yes.

Use your brain and think about whats best for you. Youre gonna be hurt, thats natural, but emotions are temporary & fleeting. You have to think through this. Look at the pros & cons of your life with him. Seek Gods help. We all hit bumps in the road, but if we're headed in the right direction its only made us stronger. If this is the person God has for you..a lil infidelity has now made you guys stronger & wiser. Ive already talked too much. Hope it helps! Love to you BabyKayk.