An overdue apology to myself

I want to start things off by saying how deeply sorry I am for having not loved you enough all these years.

I should have been the one to fill you up instead of letting you search constantly for external validation and keep seeking love from outside sources to fill that hole.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.

When you were in your darkest moments and needed me most, I’m sorry that I checked out. I’m sorry for choosing to cope by throwing myself into my work or turning to other modes of distraction as a means to numb myself and avoid really dealing with reality.

I’m sorry I didn’t honour you.

The times I failed to communicate our needs and wants because I didn’t feel deserving of them. I didn’t regard them with importance often because I was so desperate to please others that I just let them slide.

I’m sorry for putting you in the back seat.

I shouldn’t have allowed others to shut you up and shut you down, and let you believe that your thoughts, feelings and opinions were always secondary to another’s.

I’m sorry for not living in accordance with your truth.

It has been a long journey to authenticity and I’m sorry that we have lived most of our life out of integrity with who we are, not fully embracing our core self, and often pretending to be someone we’re not for the benefit of others’ comfort.

Most of all, I’m so terribly sorry I left you broken for so long.

Instead of just sticking my head in the sand, I should have been more aware of everything you were going through. I should have loved you enough to realise how much you were actually suffering. I should have run to your rescue instead of letting you get run over – over and over again.

Though all the should’s in the world can’t change what’s done, I promise you this: I will never leave you out in the wilderness alone ever again.

We have only each other and we’ve got to take care of one another from now on. And no matter what, please never ever again forget how deeply loved you are.

About the AuthorJamie Nonis

Jamie Nonis is a born again romantic and reformed pessimist who now believes in fairytale love and the unseen magic of the universe. But she knows that idealism alone doesn't pay the bills so she's also a journalist, writer/editor for hire, content marketing strategist, founder of The Writers Club, and co-founder of b.philosophy. To indulge her inner dreamer, she sometimes writes instapoetry as @scatteredverses.