Gangsters to create 300 new jobs in Manchester

Manchester’s premier criminal syndicate has announced it will be opening up three hundred new positions in their local gangs in the area.

New applicants should apply in the back alley of Tibb Street, knock three times on the door and say the password ‘Lotusflower’. Previous experience working in the violent crime industry is preferable but not necessarily essential as the positions come with training in all aspects of the protection business including revenue collection, nightclub bouncing, and beating up suspected snitches.

The new jobs were praised by Prime Minister David Cameron. ‘This is exactly what is needed to help young people to get back in work,’ he told a press conference. ‘Whether stacking shelves at Morrison’s or breaking the fingers of a customer who has not paid their loan shark, all these jobs provide a step-ladder to recovery for today’s lost generation.’