Category Archives: Interviews

To date, Uganda has granted asylum to more than 110 districts, making it the districtest country in the world. But even then, recently, a parliamentary committee recommended the creation of five new districts. To explain the meaning of this, we kidnapped a government official from the department of districts for an interview.

Thank you for honouring our invitation, sir.

It was irresistible.

Let’s delve right in. We want to talk to you about districts.

No problem. You want one?

Uganda now has 111 districts. And yet you’re still creating more.

Yes, a lot of people are winning.

Winning?

Yes. We have this promotion. It’s a Christmas promo we do every year. Next year we’ll give out ten new districts.

What’s the promo about?

It’s dubbed ‘Who Wants A District’ and participants have to be Ugandan to qualify. Those who are not Ugandan are required to lie that they are Ugandan before they become eligible.

How exactly are the districts given out?

They are transported from parliament-we use Fusos mostly-and taken to where the winners stay. Depending on the level of winning, the districts can come with added bonuses. The top winner gets a district complete with people inside, the first runner-up gets an empty district, and the second runner-up gets just people.

Where does he put the people if he has no district?

Well, that depends on him. We try not to tell them what to do with their prizes.

I see. Aren’t you concerned that with all these annual promos, the number of districts may, at some point, become too big?

There’s nothing like too many districts, my friend. Districts are like air. Can there be too much air?

That’s not really a fitting analogy.

Exactly. Without air, we all die.

But I don’t see how…

Look, do you read the Bible?

Occasionally, yes.

There’s a verse that says, “Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.”

That’s Steve Jobs.

What it basically means is those who don’t have districts are followers. And we as a country want to be leaders.

Last year, Uganda’s Minister of Miniskirts Simon Lokodo told women to stay off miniskirts. This year, we find out that it wasn’t meant in the “don’t wear them” sense, but in the “don’t do anything bad to them because they are precious to me” sense.

Here’s our interview with the Regional Head of Miniskirts.

ULK: Good morning, Simon Lokodo.

Loko: Well done.

ULK: Let’s dig right in.

Loko: I didn’t dig into my wife’s phone last night to check if she was playing sex with other men. I was misquoted.

ULK: No, that’s…WHAT?!

Loko: You talked about digging.

ULK: LOL.

Loko: So you didn’t talk about digging? Meaning you were misquoted?

ULK: No!

Loko: Which means you were misquoted. Now do you get my precament?

ULK: Predicament.

Loko: What did I say?

ULK: Precament.

Loko: I was misquoted.

ULK: Must be your favourite excuse.

Loko: We’ve know each other from way back.

ULK: You and the excuse?

Loko: Yes. We first met in primary school when my P.3 science teacher accused me of calling someone a baboon.

ULK: And you were misquoted?

Loko: Yes. I didn’t call someone a baboon. I called somebody a baboon. There’s a difference.

ULK: Is that what happened when you banned miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: What exactly did you say?

Loko: That they are banned and women should not wear them.

ULK: And how were you misquoted?

Loko: Do you want some tea? Coffee? I just remembered I didn’t offer you anything. Which, if you think about it, is very shameful for a whole Minister of Integrity. Where are my integrities?

ULK: Mister Lokodo, I have a really long day today. There are movies I have to watch and drinks I have to finish. Can we get back to the issue please?

Q: Your name is Chauncey Black for real? And you are from a group called Blackstreet? Isn’t that kind of silly? Like me being in a group called Bazooka cos my name is Baz? It sounds really forced.

A: Actually if you read Wikipedia you will find that it was. I was nicknamed Black, and there was another guy called Stonestreet. They put the names together and made Blackstreet.

You must feel so relieved the other guy was not called MacDios. Okay. Let’s start by refreshing the memories of the readers. You were in this group called Blackstreet, a 90s R&B group who liked to spell their name as BLACKstreet but I don’t have that time.

That’s right.

Most people know the group but don’t know the members’ names due to a severe shortage in the 90s of fucks to give about that sort of thing. So maybe you could start out by telling us who else was in the group.

Well, there was me then there was Teddy Riley, the leader, then there was …. Um…. Um….. um….

Dave Hollister, Eric Williams and the Stonestreet guy?

Yes, those ones. Hell, even I don’t remember them niggas’ names.

I wikipedia’d. Now, what were some of the songs you were known for in Blackstreet?

Well, there was Booty Call, Before I Let You Go, Don’t Leave Me, Joy…

Booty call was about this

I have never heard of that last one.

You know “Joooooooy…”

Are you sure that wasn’t Usher?

No, Usher was “Joooooooy”. Ours was “Jooooooooooy.”

That now sounds like Kenzo.

It was our song, okay? I know that for a fact, I co-wrote it.

You are sure?

I have no doubt.

Not even a diggity?

Ah. I see what you did there.

Yes, I am a humourist. So, what happened to Blackstreet?

The truth is that what happened was white boybands came along and took over. Nsync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees and such like. It was a massacre. They just came and took over the market for male harmonizing music. We didn’t stand a chance. Ask the members of Silk.

What the hell was Silk? I don’t remember anyone called Silk.

See?

But I remember NSync. They were Justin Timberlake’s Destiny’s Child.

That’s them.

So what did you end up doing? Drugs and groupies of annually decreasing quality until you found yourself in a gutter doing crack and that hoodrat Lakeesha?

Oh, no no. Actually, it so happened that I had an B.Sc in Chem before Blackstreet and since we actually used to hit back in the days when people bought music we had some money so I was able to go back to school. Now even have a Ph.D.

That is so awesome . You mean you are Dr Black? Dude you need to get back into music. Doctor Black is too cool a stage name to pass up.

Actually, Black was kind of a nickname. My real name, is Chauncey Hannibal.

YOU ARE DOCTOR HANNIBAL? I swear you MUST get back into Showbiz. You MUST!

Q: Hi Priscilla Ray, we are glad to be able to find you here, where you are, and that you have given us this opportunity to tell our readers in Kampala what you are up to. Let me get right to it and ask the first question right away. Who the fuck is Priscilla Ray in the first place?

A: Well, I was a celebrity in Uganda in the nineties.

Q: There were celebrities in Uganda in the nineties?

A: Munange, we were the ones.

Q: Tell us more. In which category of celebrity did you fall? Did you sing Eno Mic or Wankyekekya, or did you act with the Ebonies?

A: Oh no. None of those. Me I was a supermodel. Even my legs are still long.

Q: There were supermodels in Uganda not just in the nineties but, like EVER? I mean, we know there are chicks in Ug now who think they are models and they think that makes them glamorous, but in reality no one gives a wharrever about a model. Models live in garages subletting until they hook a white sugar daddy.

A: I assure you I was not like those ones. I was famous and had a lot of media coverage. Plus I was brown and Ugandans think that is so cool, so they loved me.

Q: Okay, assuming you were actually a celebrity, even though some of our readers by now still think I am making you up cos they have never heard of you, why did you stop being famous?

A: I didn’t stop being famous. They even still write about me on tabloid websites. The other day I had beef with Zari on twitter!

Q: So? I have beef with Zari on twitter every hour.

A: Yeah? But does she respond to your tweets?

Q: No, but I assume that is because she doesn’t know how to read words written in full spelling. Now, Ray, this interview is getting out of control. You are supposed to be telling me what you are up to and what you have been up to since you stopped being famous. So, are you also managing a restaurant in outside countries like Eva Mbabazi?

A: I have been involved in some businesses in outside countries.

Q: So if I come to Boston I can find you in MacDonalds like Eva and tell you whether I want fries with my big mac?

A: You are just a hater Bazanye. I swear, you are just jealous.

Q: That’s true, and it is really pathetic. I am a professional at the top of my game, and I am jealous of anyone, even a Macdonalds waitress, all because she gets the chance to live in a country where she can watch Netflix. Man, I wish I could get Netflix.

He is still immortalised in our minds as the classic template of the TV procedural cop drama. I am short of coffee and therefore don’t want to write a proper intro. Anyway, see this guy?

The words that follow are an interview with him.

Q: On the line we have Horst Tappert, famed for playing Inspector Derrick on UTV back in the day. I guess the first question, Horst, is: you passed away in 2008, according to Wikipedia. How is TV star heaven?

A: Vell, it is not Germany, but zen again, I cannot complain.

Are you saying Germany is better than heaven?

In Germany I vas famous great TV legend. Here in heaven, all I do is fly around viz ze vings playing ze harp. I cannot be TV star in heaven because zere is no TV in heaven.

Why not? Because TV is a tool of sin?

Reception issues.

Oh. Anyway, surely there must be some fans of yours up there. Someone there who watched Derrick on TV. At least some Ugandans.

Well, let’s get away from that, and talk about television. I know there is TV in heaven. Otherwise it wouldn’t be heaven.

Zere is only DVD. Ve get ze shows already made on Earth. But because it is heaven, ve get plasma screen HD and no commercials.

Do you watch any current cop dramas and think back to the days of Derrick and think, “These kids are punks. Derrick could kick all their asses.” Do you?

Oh yes. Ven I vatch Psych, zat is exactly vat I think. And ven I vatch Law and Order, I vatch CSI, I sink, “Vhy do zey show zese shows in Uganda? I sought in Uganda zey do not allow ze gay shit.”

Is there any show you do like? At least one show you like.

I like ze Tventy Four. Alzough I sink Jack Bauer could have solved ze case in eight hours if he had help from Derrick.

You know what is weird about Derrick? I don’t remember there being any chicks in the show. I mean, there should always be a hot lady cop in the precinct. Like Freemah in Law and Order. Don’t you agree?

This is Freemah in case you are wondering

Vat do you mean? Zere were vomen in Derrick all ze time! Ze German vomen!

This morning, ULK was given special clearance by no one in particular to enter Luzira prison and interview Queen Bad Black the Great. I was humbled and visibly shaken as I entered the prison cell housing the richest woman on earth.

But I was surprised when the face that turned to meet my glance belonged to CHOGM hero, Gilbert Bukenya. He wore a dress and a wig.

Our ULK camera guy was sleeping on the job so he beat up a Daily Monitor camera guy and stole his camera plus this image of Gilbert Bukenya in prison

BB: Oh my God it smells! Oh! The bed smells, the food smells…they can’t even let you go-kko out for some lunch at Serena and you come back.

ULK: The prisons of today!

BB: You know? And they brought me here saying mbu I stole money!

ULK: What?! How can they? I see people here everyday making over 10million dollars in one day even when they do nothing. That’s very normal.

BB: You see? Achoosing me like that is pros…paper…pit…popo…

ULK: Preposterous. Here. Use my hankie. You’re sweating.

BB: You’re welcome.

ULK: So when are you starting?

BB: Starting what?

ULK: To splash the money in here. The paper. The chada. The dalladalla bills yo. I even thought I’d see you in a Bentley cruisin’ on the wessyde in the compound there. But I understand if you’re laying low for now. Me I’d have already bought a mattress made out of gold. I just want you to know that I respect your style.

BB: What are you talking about? I don’t have any money in here.

ULK: But you’re BAD BLACK! You mean I’ve been nice this whole time for nothing? You’re not giving me anything?

BB: What! No.

ULK: You evil crook! You used me!

BB: Guards!

GUARD: Sir, you need to leave the beautiful damsel in distress alone and go! Now!

ULK: It’s okay. You can stop pretending. She doesn’t have money!

GUARD: WHAT! But she’s Bad Black!

ULK: Nope. That went with the money. Now she’s just a Kampala nuisance who made me say good things about her without warning me that she couldn’t pay for them. I swear I’m reporting you to police! Don’t come for our party even!

GUARD: Me can I come?

ULK: Say something funny.

GUARD: Latifah Nalukenge.

ULK: Hehehe. Again. Say it again.

GUARD: Shanita Namuyimba.

ULK: Heheheheh…Wait, who?

GUARD: She’s the same one.

ULK: The same Naalu? She bought another name?

GUARD: Yes. Mbu even she even wanted to buy the name Queen Latifah but the woman who’s the owner in America refused.

As fans await the Maurice Kirya show with the kind of excitement exhibited by an instructor at an institution of higher learning, news reaching our singular collective desk has it that there’s a new band in the making. No, Maurice (what? We know him on a first name basis now) is not putting it together, but some other enterprising albeit random dude.

We have an interview. Unfortunately

Us: We are excited. We just saw Desire Luzinda wearing a dress that looked at us like it was suffocating, but enough about us, who are you?

Them: I’m glad you asked. I am an enterprising albeit random dude that has put together a new band. I’m calling it, “The Way She Looks At Me”

Us: Not to throw a sex tape into your mix, but…

Them: Excuse please?

Us: That is to say, not to dampen your spirits, but isn’t that name a little, what’s the politically correct term for this… shite?

Them: Not at all. We are Uganda’s FIRST rock band!

Us: That’s not entirely accurate, there’s The Uneven…

Them: The Uneven? That’s odd. Also, for-us we are an all boy band. First ask me about our members also you.

Us: *sigh* Can you tell us about the members?

Them: I thought you would never ask. There’s Pete on the Piano, Baz on Bass, Dan on Guitar and E on an Elephant…

Us: Haha, E on an Elephant, did you mean on the trumpet.

Them: No. An elephant. Some people like to ride horses, Straka has a pony and E has his Elephant. Next question please.

Us: *mumbling* they live among us. *Not mumbling anymore* Alright, so do you have any songs out?

Them: Not at the moment, but in the future we should have at least one.

Us: Forgive us for being a little slow here, but isn’t the plan to actually have songs?

Them: Well, okay. Baz had written down a song, but we want to first cultivate interest by way of our Facebook fan page. It’s tentatively titled, “My lady wasn’t feeling well, so I filled her well”

Us: That’s disgusting…even Red Pepper wouldn’t come near that.

RP: First wait, let’s talk about this…

Them: ‘Come’?

RP: *chuckles* mbu ‘come’.

Us: Why don’t you just say, “I felt her well”?

Them: That would just be obscene, what kind of band do you take us for? So anyway. The idea is to have people like our page on Facebook and then we may attract some big shot producer to do our songs.

Us: Have you lined up any collabos?

Them: Well, we want to do something with The Mith, Keko and Weasle. We also wanted to do something with Rabba Dabba, but with his busy schedule he may knife us.. But if we can get all of them…All at once, It’s gonna be murder!

Us: The Facebook page seems to have album artwork already. What’s up with that?

Them: Well, what sort of band would we be if we were not planning to have albums? We are pretty flexible that way. We also wanted to approach this from a health marketing perspective so that we have messages of positivity. In an ideal setting we would partner with a condom and gain recognition. We may even become known as the Rubber Band…

Us: And that’s all the time we had. We will ask our readers to look you up on Facebook?

Maurice Kirya Live. The one which the social networks are referring to as #Kiryalive, is a concert starring guitarist / soul singer/ Africanist/ suspected biochemist Maurice Kirya. It’s going to be at the Serena Hotel very soon. In fact, according to my watch it will be on September 2nd. You want to find out more, I shall be telling you more as we proceed. For now, the fact that he has a concert to promote meant that we had an excuse to harass him and ask him dumbass questions. Check out what we did.

Baz: Hi Maurice. Are you ready for us to ask you questions concerning the state of the economy and exactly what your party plans to do to salvage the unemployment problem if elected? Or should we could just ask you about the concert?

Maurice: Hey bro. Not that I’m too dumb to answer about the current economic situation, but I would like to stick to questions about the concert, thank you.

Sleek: Why do you have a new single, a new album and a new concert coming up. Are they banjering you rent?

Maurice: In this current economic situation I have to hustle harder. Hahahah! I’m kidding. The fans needed some new material to feed on, and besides, I could not travel all over the world playing music and not do one special concert for the people who made me, and that’s my Ugandan fans. A new album will released next year, for now it’s the concert!

Baz: You have done concerts around the world. Would you do a concert in Barbados? I hear that chicks from Barbados like to sample Ugandan boys. You knowwharramsayin?

Me I would sample Rihanna, unless out of solida, because you have this beef thing going, I can chill and direct my fantasies elsewhere. Like Keri Hilson.

Maurice: I would definitely do a gig in Barbados and I will make sure I sample Rihanna’s song Umbrella. Hah hah! There is no beef between us, but come to think about it Keri Hilson is quite hot.

Ivan: Since you released Misubbaawa, have you had any issues with loadshedding? Is it true that UMEME threatened to sue you for darkening their reputation?

Maurice: I did not have to worry about UMEME anymore. Everyone around me has been lit up by the message in the song so there is enough light around me, but I am in talks with the government about them using my song in the generators, but I told them to first enforce the copyright law.

Ivan: Noted, I will download the mp3 to my phone and use it during one of these nights… you get? Kati. What’s the deal with Rihanna? Did she first friend you on Facebook or she just stole the song like that waitress that played my change? Do you know the waitress I’m talking about?

Maurice: I get the feeling it was a coincidence but yes I know intro sounds amazingly similar. But which bar was that waitress in? I might need to blacklist it!

Baz: Why don’t you eat meat, you man? Chicken are not that cute. It’s not like we don’t eat cats cos cats are just cute. But chicken and cows, why don’t you just eat them? They won’t mind.

Maurice: I just happen not to drink, smoke, eat meat, or take soda, sugar and salt. I try to live a healthy lifestyle, and besides, who want to feel like their stomach is a graveyard?

Ivan: Does this have anything to do with the economy? Personally because of this economy I even stopped drinking ESB. Because of the sugar

Maurice: But the economy situation will encourage a healthy living, too much sugar is not good for anyone. Sure, you are gonna see healthy faces as the situation deteriorates.

Baz: There will be no curtain raisers at your upcoming concert, meanwhile. All along we thought you didn’t have beef with other local artistes. Don’t you think they will feel left out and start complaining and writing nuggu songs about you? Like now Rocky Giant?

Maurice: We want to give something different where by fans come straight to the point to what brought them. And I actually like Rocky Giant’s work.

When you see Susan Nava (or just Nava) you can know that one of a number of things is going to happen, depending on the venue of said sighting. If you saw her on your TV screen then you know that you are watching Login on NTV. Before your gaze, she shall interview people, give commentary, and let the pictures of Uganda glitterati swing back and forth across your screen for your entertainment and amusement and to keep that smile right there, where your evening beer put it.

Depending on how you feel about those self-important bauble-smothered paragons of superficiality who call themselves celebrities– some of you love them, some of you hate them, most of us love to hate on them—you will be entertained by Nava. Cos Nava is cool like that.

So I hollered:

Kko me nti: Hello Susan Nava of Login. I’m from Urban Legend and I was wondering if I could have an interview. Say yes please. Help keep the youth of Kampala off the streets.

Kko her that: Yes, I will do an interview with you… for the youth.

(Secure in the knowledge that the youth are covered, I asked a question about asking questions.)

Q: When you are going to start an interview, you do tell the chap, off-camera, that “I am now going to interview you”?

A: It would be awfully rude if I didn’t warn people before the camera starts rolling, don’t you think? Personally, I think the only part of Login that has interviews is the 1o1 segment.. the rest are conversations.

(I asked this because I had just seen a spectacular crash and burn on TV. A fellow at Emin Pasha’s Qwela show. His mouth was moving as if he was a normal person speaking normal person English, but this is what he said. He said the show was “electric and eccentric.” I don’t know who this person was. We have not been able to contact him for comment. We even looked in the psych ward at IHK.)

Q: Who was that guy? Was he okay?

Nava: Well sometimes when people are nervous, they make the most interesting of statements. In his defense he was on a date.

When I say I warn people first I must add that I do not give them much time to think about it, because I’d hate for them to give answers that sound rehearsed.

(I can guess that that date went south after the man said that.)

(Urban Legend, and by Urban Legend I mean Ivan, was at the Zebra party, which is something that happened where happening people happen. Ivan was happening with Seanice and Crystal. Login wanted to interview Seanice and Crystal. So, would Nava have to grab Ivan by the cuff and judo-throw his interfering ass out of there. No. All it took was one look. And suddenly Ivan felt the urge to get up and leave. Telepathy. Like for Professor X.)

So I asked. Q: At the Zebra party, one of our correspondents claims he was rolling with Seanice and Crystal and you wanted to interview them, so you telepathically ordered him out of the way. Will you deny this?

Nava: Ha ha ha! I plead the fifth. But wait, is that a law in Uganda? Oh well, nganye.

Nava: Holding On is a song feauturing my sister. Paris. She is a recording artist, you will hear a lot more from her very soon.

Q: Have you ever had any run-ins with the law?

Nava: I don’t know, what constitutes as a run-in? Does dating an officer count? :p

Q: It might count. How much are you willing to tell us about what went on between you and this officer? Handcuffs? Oh, wait! Was it Uganda Police? Or Swedish Police? You people of dual heritage who grew up in Sweden.

Nava: I knew you’d ask. Swedish.

Q: Who is Enygma?

Nava: You tell me. I’m dying to find out who the man behind the mask is.

He came onto the scene with a new tribe of English. He innovatively beautified Kampala with potholes to provide an extra source of income for fishermen in the city. He put his behind on a whole political party, pasted yellow stuff allover it and it won the elections.

For all his remarkable achievements, he was appointed minister of the biggest, most complex ministry in the country: The ministry without portfolio.

So we hear these boys of parliament refused to allow you to enter the building of your ministry. They are not very serious I tell you! What do you feel about it wamma?

My ministry is the big ones in the country and Kampala here. It is very full. They need many times to be okay to enter me inside there. Polio is hard to be…to be a ministers…I don’t have even an assistants like…like a deputy for the fortfolio.

Such selfishness! They don’t even give you a deputy? Nga for them they have? So what will your ministry be doing?

Well, like I talked early, am a minister for fotolio. So my ministries has a lot of fortpolio in it…and I will be walking to other country like the Americas and in British and see the other fotpo…er…the other ministers for fort portal and the likes.

Eh! That’s very challenging! First take a sip of your drink there, Mr Ntege. Did I put enough sugar?

I know about the sugars and I understand properly about it if it is my very well problem in Kampala. Am very apparent that my ministry will stop it if the problem of this countries is sugar. I will talk to my fellow minister of agriculture and we see.

I’m sure you will. You must be a very good politician for Museveni to give you such tough responsibility. I envy you.

Hehehe no I don’t have nvi, my friends. Am a very young man of age and still growing young age but nvi? No. You see that all my hair is in black without no another colour for old men. But Mr Museveni I don’t know which she has nvi.

So Mr Ntege, what if the boys of parliament still refuse to let you into your new, highly demanding ministry? What’s your plan?

Okay you see, the plans of the buildings is already there. And so there is no necessary for the plans anymore. The building of portfolios is…

Wow! You got it right this time. Good for you! Sorry, please go on.

Yes am very right in the ministry for this time. I have been in the political areas of Uganda for very many years now ever since even before I join mayor so I think am the good man on this job.