Preamble: Well, hello again. It's been a while, but what better way to ease myself back into OBO-land than in the middle of a Diplomatic Incident involving Chris Gayle and his, er, interesting views on the future of Test cricket! Andrew Strauss has responded , if not quite hit back, with an eminently sensible take of his own, but he's not fooling anyone. The whole affair is, quite frankly, little short of this. And that's just at the toss, news of which any moment now...

The good news is Gayle and Strauss resisted the temptation to batter each other over the head at the toss, which was good of them, although I wouldn't exactly say the smile between the two men was in any way warm. But I digress: Gayle called tails, the coin came down heads and Strauss wants a bat. Gayle says he would have done the same and insists he wants to win the game and retain the Wisden Trophy. Which is just as well...

Athers subjects Gayle to a pre-match interview that goes on slightly longer than normal. For once, that flashing smile is absent. In fact, he looked thoroughly miserable. It's probably for the best that West Indies aren't batting. Did I mention they're unchanged too? Here's an email. "On my bus journey to university today someone sneezed and the ensuing looks on my fellow travellers was quite hilarious," says R Low. "Everyone assumed he must have had swine flu and I'm sure they are getting tested as we speak. It could be worse though: we, like Gayle, could be force to play for the West Indies, which I'm sure would be a disappointment for us all." Now, now...

Chester-le-Street is virtually empty. We're told between 3-5,000 tickets have been sold in advance for the first day, but a combination of factors has persuaded the fans to stay away. The pitch is firm, Strauss reckons, but the conditions are overcast, so the Windies may feel all is not lost. But, really, who would back them? Hm?

Boxes To Tick: In a - for England - ideal world, Andrew Strauss and Alistair Cook will re-establish their partnership after a small blip in the first innings at Lord's; Kevin Pietersen won't fall first ball; Matt Prior will cement his place at No6 just in case Andrew Flintoff never plays Test cricket again; Tim Bresnan will get a bowl; and Phil Hughes will renounce his citizenship and become English.

Beefy declares the conditions to be "cold but dry", which he claims as another victory for the "good old north of England". Perhaps he hasn't seen tomorrow's forecast. Meanwhile, this: "I can't shake the nagging feeling that Onions, Ramdin, Swann sounds like something the Dear Old Queen Mum might have tucked into mid-afternoon, perhaps with a nice spot of claret," says Anthony Pease. "There must be other phrases based entirely around the names of cricketers past and present which could potentially raise a titter, but for the life of me I can't be bothered to work any of them out myself. As such, I'm more than willing to have this subject opened to the floor..."

Fair point from Andrew Sanderson. "Does Chester-le-Street mean Chester the street?" he seethes. "What a rubbish name. That's why I'm not going to the Test... and I lack the preparation having just come back from the IPL."

Pedants corner: "England haven't had a big century in a while," grumbles Mark Annear. "Wouldn't an ideal world be where England score 650 for 4 in two and a half days and then bowl out Windies twice, Tim Bresnan taking 10 wickets and Matt Prior not conceding a bye or dropping a catch?" Yes, and Australia concede the Ashes in advance...

We await the players with breath that is only fractionally shy of bated... And here they come - as Gayle leads his side down the pavilion steps with no great enthusiasm...

1st over: England 1-0 (Strauss 0, Cook 0) So, Jerome Taylor gets things under way and the first surprise is that Andrew Strauss has to wave away some movement behind the bowler's arm: given the paucity of spectators, that has to count as pretty unlucky. Taylor's first ball is short of a length and loops off the pitch with, well, not very much bounce at all. Alarming. Taylor then sends down an off-side wide signalled by Asoka de Silva, and Strauss is barely made to play in that over. A very gentle beginning indeed. "Regarding Mr Pease's query," writes award-winning columnist Erik Petersen (I kid you not). "The new opening partnership at Kent is a nice one. Not because it seems particularly virile where run-scoring is concerned, but more because Northeast Key sounds like someplace you might holiday if Miami's just getting too expensive."

2nd over: England 2-0 (Strauss 0, Cook 0) Fidel Edwards prefaces his opening over by strolling down towards Cook and rubbing the pitch with the palm of his hand. Very odd. Curtly Ambrose used to linger over a good length before he bowled, occasionally dispensing his magic dust and grinning maniacally, but I'm not quite sure what Edwards has in mind. Whatever, it doesn't help his opening over, which - like Taylor's - is hopelessly wide of off. It doesn't help that the pitch looks pretty dead, nor that Edwards oversteps. Another bland over. "Welcome back, Larry," says Sam Blackledge, taking at least one liberty too many for my liking. "Any thoughts on why passenger Bresnan is still in the side? Surely we only need four bowlers plus Colly and Ravi here. As Boycott would say, get the thing won. There's no room for sentiment." I think Bresnan could have counted himself very unlucky indeed to have missed out simply because Graham Onions was chucked the ball before him at Lord's and never let go...

3rd over: England 3-0 (Strauss 0, Cook 0) Finally Taylor makes Strauss play at one as the ball whistles past the outside edge. Well bowled, but West Indies need many more of those with the new ball if they're going to get back into this series. A no-ball inches England forward, but this has been the mother of all underwhelming starts: no runs off the bat, and no one there to watch them not being scored. It could be an interesting philosophical poser. "Well, I almost went to this Test," admits man of the moment Erik Petersen. "When the ECB announced the two-for-£35 tickets, I was all set to head up north with Mrs P. Then I priced the train tickets – two of us, Nottingham to Durham, £140. Rather defeated the point. Although it is reassuring to know that there are English institutions more rubbish than the ECB. Thanks, British trains!"

4th over: England 5-0 (Strauss 1, Cook 1) Cook scores the first run of the bat courtesy of a push into the covers off Edwards, and there's a smattering of applause - the kind of apologetic noise you hear at county grounds most mornings. Strauss joins in the fun by getting hold of a meaty cut, but Brendan Nash tidies up unfussily at point. He has to make do with a single later in the over as England race to 1.25 runs an over. "It's all very well cricketers raving about Twenty20 but let's see how long they'd really like if batsmen could only ever throw their bat, regardless of how good the bowling is and all bowlers ever had to do was try their best not to get banjoed around for four overs each game," says Andy Stiff, grossly underestimating the many subtleties of the T20 format. "Gayle is one of the increasing band of players (Sehwag, all the New Zealand team etc) who simply cannot be bothered to build an innings any more, less so tough it out when the ball is moving around. Maybe he should just chuck in the towel." A touch harsh on Sehwag...

5th over: England 8-0 (Strauss 4, Cook 1) Strauss collects two with a less-than-perfectly-timed push into the covers off Taylor, then hurries through for a single with another unfluent cover-drive. Somehow, it's not the morning for glamour. "Does anybody know the whereabouts Andrea Lowe?" asks Alex Wright. "Back in 2002/2003 she rivalled Gary Naylor for OBO web coverage, but she's been absent for years now. I was concerned about her diet in 2002 - too much cheese and caffeine if I recall correctly. I do hope it hasn't caught up with her..." Ah yes, but have you ever seen Andrea and Gary in the same room?

6th over: England 12-0 (Strauss 8, Cook 1) Edwards overpitches and offers a bit of width and that's the first boundary of the Test as Strauss says thank you very much. Nice shot, although Athers points out his weight isn't quite over the ball. Batting looks reasonably straightforward at the moment. "A philosophical poser," says Rob Low. "If an English Cricketer scores 100 runs in front of no-one at Chester-the-Street against an uninterested West Indies, does anyone care? 55 days until the first Ashes Test..."

7th over: England 16-0 (Strauss 8, Cook 5) Maybe it's just me - and I accept I'm not best-placed to gauge the atmosphere - but is there a distinct lack of intensity about the morning's play so far? Even that boundary from Cook off Taylor came courtesy of an open-faced steer to third man. "Currently batting for the mighty Somerset is Hildreth Trescothick, whom I picture as a ruddy-faced, mutton-chopped Redjacket leading a doomed chorus of Men of Harlech before being overrun at Rorke's Drift..." writes Jack Rosevear.

8th over: England 18-0 (Strauss 10, Cook 5) Edwards strays on to Strauss's pads - for once - but the resultant whip is straight to the man at midwicket. A yard either side, as they say, and that was four. A lethargic morning continues apace. Or possibly not, although Strauss does add a couple with a firmer tuck of his legs through square-leg. I bet Gayle's thrilled he left Kolkata Knight Riders for this. "I went to the first Test," admits Anton Lawrence as if he's just sat down at his first AA meeting. "Got a ticket for 25 quid, had a good day and watched 15 wickets fall. Drank a bottle of wine and ate a pork pie. Can't see what's wrong with these matches myself. At least I have been able to see some Test cricket this year, which I wouldn't have done otherwise."

9th over: England 18-0 (Strauss 10, Cook 5) Taylor produces a beauty that swings back into Cook, who was leaving it alone, and doesn't miss off-stump by too much. That's more like it from the Windies: keep the batsman guessing. A better over from Taylor, even if no one seems to have turned the speed gun back down to real-life measurements after Lord's. "Andy Stiff clearly doesn't watch much cricket," says Dan Johnson. "As I recall Sehwag has twice been bothered to build a Test innings sufficiently well to reach 300 (one of only three people to achieve that feat). He took only 278 balls to reach 300; some English batsmen take that many to get to 100. If that is a consequence of playing too much T20 then we should be encouraging our guys to play more."

10th over: England 22-0 (Strauss 14, Cook 5) Edwards drops short and Strauss pulls for four - the shot of a somnolent morning on an equally sleepy pitch. "Why was Jimmy Clitheroe present at the toss?" asks Paul Davies and several others.

11th over: England 24-0 (Strauss 14, Cook 7) Cook lashes Taylor through the covers for two and West Indies just haven't made the openers' lives uncomfortable enough. A couple of plays and misses, sure, but very little else to lose sleep about (and so have more time to think of Gayle). "Regarding Erik Petersen's holiday destination, I've always thought that Danish Kaneria sounds like a (very) northerly Canary Island," chuckles Charles Courtney. "And I suspect he could have got a train ticket for a reasonable price, all he needed to do was book 3 months in advance , at 5.37am while standing on one leg."

12th over: England 27-0 (Strauss 16, Cook 7) Lionel Baker replaces Edwards, and yet again we're reminded he's the first Montserattian to play Test cricket. I have a soft spot for Montserrat. When I went to the World Cup two years ago, my hotel in Antigua was on the south-west tip of the island, which gave me a great view during my early-morning swims in the deserted sea of Montserrat and its simmering volcano. Sigh. But where was I? Ah yes: Baker slips in a wide, then concedes two as Strauss nudges him off his hip to fine-leg, where good fielding from Taylor saves two runs. "With regard to the photo of Strauss and Gayle shaking hands, I didn't realise that little Darren Gough had made it back into the team," honks David Cullen.

13th over: England 31-0 (Strauss 16, Cook 11) Lovely shot from Cook, who leans into a half-volley from Taylor and collects four through mid-on. It's not a shot you see too often from Cook - if ever. A ball from Taylor then lands a yard outside off before scuttling through along the ground. As Harold Bishop used to say: "Ah, Madge." Taylor responds with a pearler that leaves Cook and has him groping outside off in ungainly fashion. Top bowling, ugly batting. "Surely Alex Wright (5th over) is confirming his total lack of life, friends and perspective by publicly hankering after somebody he never knew who contributed to an obscure cricket blog 7 or 8 years ago and he's not heard from since?" asks Rhodri Burridge, not unfairly. "There can't be a Mrs. Wright, surely? And shouldn't Alex be at Chester-le-Street now?"

14th over: England 40-0 (Strauss 17, Cook 15) Strauss drives uppishly at Baker's first ball after the drinks break and the ball lands just in front of Sulieman Benn in the gully and ricochets away for a single. Had that carried, it would have been a Strauss dismissal of old. Cook then drives with rather more conviction, taking four through extra cover as Baker overpitches. And then England are grateful for the gift of four byes as the ball bounces awkwardly in front of Denesh Ramdin and flies away to third man off the gloves. Nine off the over! It's just like the IPL! "Apart from scoring 300 twice, three double-hundreds, averaging50 in Tests and having a strike-rate better than most of England's one-day and Twenty20 players, the aqueducts, and taking 29 wickets what hasSehwag ever done for Test cricket?" wonders Neil Mackie.

15th over: England 44-0 (Strauss 21, Cook 15) This is all suiting England very nicely in a game they only need to draw to regain the Wisden Trophy after just a few weeks. In the meantime, Taylor spoils a decent over by giving Strauss a gimme on middle and leg: four through wide mid-on. "As the Strauss-Gayle clash seems the most interesting factor this morning it's maybe telling to note that in the photo of the toss the most threatening glare is clearly that of the stray urchin in the cap," says Rob Young, one of many hundreds of you fascinated by the errant youth. "Strauss is at least feigning to look Gayle in the eye (looks more like the mouth) whereas Gayle is so up for the fight his eyes are firmly on the turf! I can't imagine Punter, or any of the Aussies, would be so timid..."

16th over: England 45-0 (Strauss 21, Cook 16) Cook gets hold of a couple of pull shots off Baker, but the first is straight to Edwards at midwicket and the second parried by Edwards for a single. All quiet on the north-eastern front. "Looking at your picture of Strauss, Gayle and Schoolboy Dazzler I'm not sure exactly what is happening," confesses Tom van der Gucht. "They are either shaking hands before the toss or their relationship has descended to school- yard standards and they are now engaged in a game of "Mercy" in order to decide who was right about the future of Test cricket. If only all adult life and disputes were so easy to resolve."

17th over: England 48-0 (Strauss 21, Cook 19) Taylor continues and now he goes round the wicket to Cook. He starts too wide of off to trouble his man, then adjusts his line to make Cook play at the ball. The response is a neat push through the covers for three. "If you look closely, Chris Gayle is actually watching Jimmie Krankie balancing that tiny man on his (her?) head," points out Dan Johnson.

18th over: England 51-0 (Strauss 22, Cook 19) Strauss brings up one of the more low-key half-century stands of recent times with a nudge off his hip for a single off Baker. The shot sums up the partnership: quiet, efficient, untroubled. And that wide from Baker sums up the bowling: anonymous. Just one maiden so far today. "Is that Warren Hegg looking on while Strauss and Gayle enjoy a warm handshake in the pic at the top of the page?" asks Andrew Morris. OK, that's enough now.

19th over: England 51-0 (Strauss 22, Cook 19) Here's the man of the moment Gayle - and fate dictates that he is bowling to Strauss, the bloke he advised not to lose any sleep thinking about him. I've heard some bizarre sledges in my time... Anyway, Gayle is immediately round the wicket with his off-breaks to the England captain, who is understandably watchful. You wouldn't want to get out to your opposite number after everything that's been said, would you? A predictable maiden. "I think I'm more on Strauss's side than Gayle's but looking at that photo, I know which one I'd back in a scrap about it!" cackles Leo Caroll.

20th over: England 65-0 (Strauss 22, Cook 33) Great shot by Cook, who lunges on to the front foot to crash the harmless Baker through cover for four. And as I write that Baker induces an inside edge that flies away to fine-leg for four. Good ball, lucky shot - that missed leg-stump by the definitive coat of varnish. A firm push through midwicket for two is more convincing, and then Cook crowns a profitable over with a crunching drive through extra cover for four: 14 off it. "I'd like to thank Rhodri Buridge for putting things into perspective for me with his kind words," says Alex Wright as, not for the first time, the OBO threatens to descend into fisticuffs. "I'll be crying into my ready meal for one tonight. He's right about one thing though: living in the toon, I have no excuse for not being at Chester le Street, though with no friends at all to speak of, I couldn't take advantage of the 2 for 1 ticket offer, and I'm too scared to venture out alone in case I get bullied by people with Welsh names."

WICKET! Strauss c Ramdin b Gayle 26 (69-1) The ball after being cut for four, Gayle removes Strauss! OK, so it was a lucky dismissal, what with Strauss getting a little glove on an attempted sweep and Ramdin moving sharply to leg to take the catch, but they all count! Plenty of time to think about Chris now... "Just realised that it's Geraint Jones hoping for a recall," says Andrew Sanderon

21st over: England 69-1 (Cook 33, Bopara 0) So, can Ravi make it three hundreds in three innings? Or am I jumping the gun quite outrageously? "Surely that errant youth is a Ricky Ponting mini-me," says Ali Shah. "He would be happily nibbling his little finger if Gayle and Strauss were not holding it down." Gah.

22nd over: England 70-1 (Cook 34, Bopara 0) Two spinners in the attack now as Benn replaces Baker, and Cook works him with a strong bottom hand to mid-on for a single. "On a cricket theme," says Dominic Riches, controversially. "Isn't this the nagging doubt we have about the current opening partnership? An apparently reluctant opposition and really what we wanted was 100 in the first session to break them. I just can't imagine Aus/ Ind/ SA's openers would have been so polite about it." I dunno - they scored at three an over on the first morning of a Test...

23rd over: England 72-1 (Cook 35, Bopara 1) Hope you like the new picture of Jimmy Krankie/Young Dazzler/Warren Hegg/Mini-Me. We aim to please. Two singles off the Gayle over. "In terms of physical size then probably Gayle, should it come to it," says Andrew Robertson of the potential punch-up. "In terms of a mass brawl between England vs W.Indies, then I think England would win. Maybe a like for like comparison is needed. Bring on Harmison as a 12th man, Onions would water a few eyes and the knockout punches from Pietersen would end it."

24th over: England 72-1 (Cook 35, Bopara 1) Has anyone else noticed the involuntary sneer that descends on Bopara's upper lip as he waits for the bowler? Must be that inner confidence we keep hearing about. That, though, was a maiden from Benn. "Re Alex Wright," says Alex Warwick. "I think Michael Owen should be free for the next couple of weeks, maybe you could go to the cricket with him?" Very topical.

25th over: England 72-1 (Cook 35, Bopara 1) Cook plays out a maiden from Gayle, but not before edging his last ball just in front of Devon Smith at slip. That turned - Graeme Swann will be interested. "Please tell Alex I'm sorry," says Rhodri Hitman Burridge. "I feel terrible. Ready meals taste bad enough without being watered down, and if I'd realised he had to live in Newcastle I'd have laid off the poor lad."

26th over: England 72-1 (Cook 35, Bopara 1) The game has gone quiet following the wicket of Strauss and the introduction of the two spinners. But if England reach lunch without further loss, they'll be happy enough. Three maidens in a row now as Benn keeps it tight against Bopara. "Perhaps Bresnan is in the team for his brawling abilities," points out Edward Banister. "He's a strapping lad." It's one explanation, I suppose.

27th over: England 74-1 (Cook 36, Bopara 2) Cook breaks the run of maidens with a very quick single to mid-on off Gayle, who is then worked to long leg for a single by Bopara. "If Ravi B does get a third consecutive Test century will that make himthe new Chris Broad?" wonders Ian Copestake. "He can look forward to enduring fame as a top umpire then." Or possibly even a match referee...

28th over: England 74-1 (Cook 36, Bopara 2) Andy Bull will be your genial host after lunch, so please forward all musings to andy.bull@guardian.co.uk from now on, being sure to save your best stuff for me when I return after tea. That, needless to say, was a maiden from Benn to Bopara.

29th over: England 78-1 (Cook 39, Bopara 3) Cook leans back to force Gayle through the covers for two, then tucks him off his legs for a single. He's played well this morning. Now he needs to crack on - as I think we may have said before. There's time for one more over before lunch, which means - shock, horror - we'll have 30 in the session.

30th over: England 85-1 (Cook 39, Bopara 9) Bopara goes into lunch in fine heart with a lovely cut for four off Benn and then a couple of streaky runs off the inside edge. England would have taken this at the toss, despite the best efforts of the now-infamous young mascot to distract him. I'll leave you with some happy news. "Rhodri, apology accepted," writes the magnanimous Alex Wright. "It's good to know that you too have experienced the crushing loneliness of the ready meal."

LUNCH

Afternoon everyone. How do?

"Fellow OBOers should be ashamed of themselves," gripes Justin Barrett, "mocking the poor mascot. After all, Durham go to the expense hiring sawn-off Dirty Dozen and Airwolf stalwart Ernest Borgnine to add a bit of Hollywood glitz to pre-match proceedings, and all they can do is poke fun. Sad."

Ernest Borgnine. What a man. I suppose you all read Michael Winner's 'restaurant review' in last week's Sunday Times? Of course you did. It's essential reading. In fact I'm increasingly beginning to suspect that it's the only thing worth reading in any British newspaper whatsoever. Other than the Guardian, of course. I digress. This week, as you know, Winner substituted any attempt to discuss the food or restaurant he was eating in with a long account about his dinner with his old pal Borgnine. The choice quotes:

"Only person he [Borgnine] knocks is ex-wife Ethel Merman. She hated him being more famous than she was. On honeymoon in the Pacific she told him off at a party. 'Lady I'm outta here,' said Ernie, and walked out on his honeymoon."

And, on the seminal 80s TV series Airwolf:

"Ernie's so kind that when he mentions the Airwolf TV series he did with Jan-Michael Vincent he only writes Jan-Michael was 'difficult. He wouldn't come out of the caravan for 10 hours - drugs, alcohol," said Ernie at lunch. 'We sat at the airport location waiting for him.' Jan-Michael was fine when I directed him in The Mechanic. Later he went into rehab many times, crashed his car and damaged his vocal cords. Now he breeds horses."

Winner and Borgnine, together in print at last.

Here's Ian Copestake: "The stats suggest that Cook likes to fill his boots against the Windies having scored the majority of his centuries against them. Writing that makes me feel like a real journo, so as my next assignment can I interview Asia Argento please?" No. You can write a 200-word report of Michael Carberry's press conference from the Rose Bowl instead, make sure you mention that "he'd really like to play for England" . Real journalism, as Winner as has just so clearly demonstrated, has to be laced through with references to old-time Hollywood stars who used to be personal acquaintances.

Well that's shut you all up.

A strong statement that from Gayle, bringing himself on to bowl second change before lunch on the first day. Anyone would think people had been questioning his appetite for the game.

31st over: England 86-1 (Cook 39, Bopara 9)Gayle opens after Lunch. This could a be long, slow afternoon's cricket if this trend continues, as Gayle rotates his part-time spinners and medium-pace trundlers until the new ball comes around. Cook flicks a run away to the leg side, and that's it. "Real journalism is nothing of the sort, Mr Bull," writes James Andrews, "you're talking about sports journalism. Real journalism is about shoe-horning as many cultural references and puns into copy as possible and seeing if you editor removes them later. That and free lunches. And an unending sense of moral outrage about everything."

32nd over: England 92-1 (Cook 41, Bopara 13)And at the other end comes Sulieman Benn. Bopara bops a pair of braces out to cover from successive balls. The video highlights of the first innings have arrived. You can find them down at the foot of the page, so long as you live in the UK.

33rd over: England 96-1 (Cook 42, Bopara 17)Gayle switches around the wicket, and after Cook works a single to leg, Gayle snarls as Lionel Baker produces a poor piece of ground fielding at cover, gifting Bopara four runs. "Actually, isn't Michael Winner the G Boycott of the restaurant reviewing trade?" muses Erik Petersen, "Blithers on aimlessly about events and people at least two decades previous. Then, somewhere nearly the keenly anticipated end, he's roused to make a vague stab at The Actual (Expletive) Point. Also, he's trading on a long-over professional career that people seem to remember as being better than it actually ever was." Hey man. Don't knock Death Wish. Or Dirty Weekend. Or Won Ton Ton: The Dog Who Saved Hollywood. Or any other of those fine Winner productions.

34th over: England 99-1 (Cook 43, Bopara 19)Cook turns Benn's first ball away square for a single, and Bopara then sneaks another two to the same area off the toe-end of the bat. Here's Gary Naylor: "Isn't real journalism about bidding as high as possible for a list of MPs' expenses, then milking it day after day, while the far right laughs behind its hand at the discomfort of mainstream parties, readying itself to cash-in on the total lack of perspective the twenty-four hour media, phone-ins and rent-a-gobs have given the story?"

35th over: England 106-1 (Cook 46, Bopara 23)Even Gayle has had enough of his own bowling, and, thankfully for us all, he's brought back Fidel Edwards. Unfortunately with no pace in the pitch and no swing in the air, Fidel looks more than a little impotent. It will be fascinating to see what Onions can do on this pitch. Cook, continuing to look in fine fettle, leans over to the off and clips three runs to deep backward square, where Baker redeems his appalling efforts of two overs ago by diving to save a single. Bopara then crumps a straight drive through long-off in a style that has Atherton purring.

36th over: England 107-1 (Cook 47, Bopara 23)There are two young ladies dolled up in carnival outfits on the boundary side, shivering in the brisk wind. They've been hired to lend the ground a Caribbean atmosphere. Beautiful as they are, it's one of the most depressing things I've seen. "I live in the UK but there is a further impediment to viewing the highlights," complains Liz Campbell, "My computer server is absolutely convinced that I live in Belgium and constantly admonishes me in Flemish for trying to view English cricket highlights. At least that's what I think it's trying to say."

37th over: England 108-1 (Cook 48, Bopara 23)"You are Michael Winner," writes Justin Barrett in one of the most insulting openings to an email ever, "not a nice thought, I know, but stay with me. Who would you cast in in your forthcoming ultraviolent cricket exploitation flick? To start, I offer Lee Van Cleef as Dennis Lillee." Ronnie Irani as himself? Edwards manages five dot balls, Cook picking out fielders every time he makes contact, but the sixth ball is short, and Cook pulls it hard to leg for a single.

38th over: England 115-1 (Cook 51, Bopara 28)Cook raises his fifty with a quickly-scampered three, and Bopara then slices the thinnest of edges to fine leg for four. Gareth Fitzgerald has something to say for himself: "Okay, I know the result is the be-all and end-all, and English cricket has to treat each and every game as a valiant struggle against overwhelming odds, but this 'milking' of Benn, Gayle and presumably Nash when he shows up is pointless. Would the Aussies be tottering along at this rate? No chance, they'd forego all this namby-pamby watchfulness, and apply a bit of big toe to collective Windies rump. Get out there and carve these trundlers for 16-an-over." Ah you make it all sound so easy. But yes, there's some truth in what you say. The emergence of Brendan Nash as a containing bowler in the mid-innings has been one of the more bizarre developments over these last five Tests.

39th over: England 120-1 (Cook 54, Bopara 30)Cook eases away another three runs, this time to extra cover with a crisp drive. "Cricket exploitation movie?" asks James Jackson, "It's been done. It's called 'I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer' and here's the tagline: A cricket team are dismissed by a moustachioed serial killer with a razor sharp cricket glove and an arsenal of sharpened stumps. One by one the killer exacts revenge for the torment he endured 20 years earlier."

I'm gobsmacked. How have I not seen this movie? Has anyone out there ever had the misfortune of seeing this thing?

41st over: England 123-1 (Cook 58, Bopara 30)Huzzah! I've found the trailer. Watch out it contains bad language, violence and nudity. It's an exploitation flick. What did you expect?

42nd over: England 125-1 (Cook 58, Bopara 30)"There's an honourable tradition of cricket exploitation movies," fills in Chris Hatton while I watch the trailer for I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer for the fifth time, "for example the one where Chris Gayle returns to a remote Caribbean island to find himself burned to death by the locals (The Wicket Man). The British tradition is more tame, for example the one about Mike Atherton allegedly spitting something illegal on the ball to promote swing (Gulp Friction). I really must do some work now..." You and me both.

43rd over: England 127-1 (Cook 59, Bopara 31)"I live in Australia, I have never even heard of it," Andrew Jolly assures me, "I know what I will be doing on Saturday afternoon though, and that is hunting for it in the bargain bins - then watching said film." There is, least I forget myself entirely, also some cricket going on, Cook and Bopara exchanging quick singles off Baker.

44th over: England 129-1 (Cook 59, Bopara 32)Just a solitary single from Benn's latest over. John Starbuck is still lining people up on his casting couch: "Bruce Willis (in his younger days) as Brian Close, Tom Cruise as Geraint Jones, Sean Bean as Fred Trueman, David Niven as CB Fry."

45th over: England 131-1 (Cook 59, Bopara 34)Baker's wayward line takes the ball out to leg stump, and Bopara knocks two casual runs away square. Baker produces a perfunctory LBW appeal for a ball that was going to pass a foot or so over the top of the stumps.

46th over: England 136-1 (Cook 59, Bopara 34)Four byes disappear down the leg side, Bopara playing and missing an ungainly sweep. "Per Amazon, I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer (or "Runs" as we in the know call it) will be available on DVD from 29 June" mourns Tom Hopkins, "Life until then will have no meaning." Readers, I promise you a review of that movie just as soon as I can get my hands on a copy. It'll make a fine double-header with the cricket-themed concept album I was banging on about last week.

47th over: England 139-1 (Cook 61, Bopara 35)"Russell Crowe is surely a shoo-in for Mike Gatting in Winner's new exploitation movie," pipes up Chris Bourne, "He can gun down international terrorist umpires with his grenade launching cricket bat. Gian Maria Volonte [sorry - who?] could be effective as Sir Allen Stanford, the paranoid megalomaniac villain on a mission to destroy cricket from his secret Caribbean compound. Sylvester Stallone is obviously the American football player drafted in to solve England's wicket-keeping problems." Chris goes on to tell a very funny anecdote from "his time as a real journalist" about an encounter with Christopher Reeve, but I'm not sure I've the gall to print it. If you want to know, meet me behind the bikeshed later on today and I'll pass it around on a post-it. By-the-bye, Russell Crowe is actually quite an accomplished cricketer. He's a cousin of NZ legend Martin, and in fact the whole Crowe family have been known to get together to play as a Crowe XI. They played a match against Malta when Russ was filming Gladiator. And, ahh, that's drinks.

49th over: England 147-1 (Cook 61, Bopara 43)Baker drops short, and Bopara cracks a pull through mid-wicket for four. The over becomes a positive run fest as the next ball flies off the outside edge for four away past the slips. "Pace Beth Connor," writes Chris Hatton, "I thought the six-ploitation flick was KP's favourite shot?" He pauses before adding, "No, the work thing's not happening..." Tell me about it.

50th over: England 150-1 (Cook 63, Bopara 44)"In the wild there are many ways to die - none more unpleasant than being ripped apart by some nutter in his cricket kit." I still can't believe someone paid for that movie to be made. Singles go to and fro in the field, Cook taking two to square leg and Bopara another a little finer.

52nd over: England 162-1 (Cook 69, Bopara 50)Benn makes a desultory lbw appeal against Cook, who gives him an amused smile in response. Bopara then leans out a long way to square drive two to deep cover. He raises his fifty with the very next ball, glancing four runs to fine leg. He acknowledges the muted applause - the ground is almost empty - with a nonchalant wave of his bat.

53rd over: England 162-1 (Cook 69, Bopara 50)The weather forecast, for those of you who like to know such things, is terrible tomorrow, with heavy rain due to arrive in the afternoon. It's pretty poor over the weekend too, so we may even get a full five days out of this game. A maiden from Baker, holding to a line outside off stump. Cook connects with one or two of them, but they fly straight to fielders.

54th over: England 167-1 (Cook 73, Bopara 50)At last a shot in anger from Cook, who was in danger of turning to stone at the crease. He strides across to the off and swats a drive across the line to force the ball through long-on for four.

56th over: England 175-1 (Cook 78, Bopara 55)Gayle decides to bring himself back into the attack after 17 straight over from Benn. Cook dinks a couple away to leg. A poor misfield at mid-off from Taylor allows Cook to take two from a neat drive. He regathers himself and throws in a loose return. Gayle can't be fussed to field the ball, but sticks out an arm quite idly and allows it to bounce past away towards square leg.

58th over: England 180-1 (Cook 80, Bopara 56)These two have put on 111 now, looking fairly unflustered by everything the West Indians have produced. "An honest assessment please: how boring has this test been so far?" asks Tom Cole. Put it this way: the ground is about one-quarter full, and we've had 27 overs of spin on the first day of an early May Test in England. The only reason that exists for this Test to be being played is the contract between Sky and the ECB, stipulating a minimum of seven Tests for the summer.

59th over: England 180-1 (Cook 80, Bopara 56)A maiden over this, during which Bumble surveys the scene in front of him and bleakly mutters "it's grim out there".

60th over: England 181-1 (Cook 81, Bopara 57)Here's Ranil Dissanayake on the pressing issue of the day - apart from the kid in the photograph, the six-ploitation movie scene, Michael Winner and Ernest Borgnine - while I coast into lunch "Isn't what Chris Gayle said pretty much exactly what we expected? The ECB are being rogered by Sky into having a pointless two test series; WICB needs cash and accepts. Gayle loses out big time cash-wise, and has to play a pointless series in the cold when he could be swanning around Cape Town and Port Elizabeth. Wouldn't you be a bit put out? And we should be grateful to both him and Jacob Oram for making it clear that they would put 20/20 ahead of tests. It's only that kind of honesty that will wake us up to a real threat. A series like Australia vs. South Africa will proselytise for test cricket - four tests, good pitches, good weather. A series like this will hasten it's demise: two tests, no crowds, crap weather, poor motivation. Time to start talking about the elephant, I think."

61st over: England 183-1 (Cook 81, Bopara 59)Baker is on again. I've no idea why when he's already bowled five more overs than either Taylor or Edwards. Bopara takes two from his third ball with a flick to leg, but otherwise it's a barren over for England.

62nd over: England 184-1 (Cook 82, Bopara 59)Gayle takes us into the Tea break, hustling through another six balls of filler. You could say much the same about me of course. I'm done for the day, but I'll be back tomorrow. Lawrence will be back after the Tea break, so go ahead and email your thoughts to him at lawrencebooth@hotmail.com. Cheerio.

TEA

Lawrence here again. Ravi's going to do it, isn't he? A third straight hundred. By the time the Ashes comes round, he's going to think Test cricket's a doddle. "Ravi is a tick away from averaging 50 in Test cricket," points out Gary Naylor. "The new King Viv! Well, maybe."

63rd over: England 187-1 (Cook 83, Bopara 60) West Indies could stay in this game with a few quick wickets after tea, so what does Chris Gayle do? That's right: he throws the ball to Lendl Simmons, the archetypal dibbly-dobbler. Good grief, it's like watching a poor man's Brendon Nash wasting entire sessions in the Caribbean. The batsmen exchange singles, Bopara with a slightly uppish drive, and there's a leg-side bye too. Very, very anodyne indeed. "Can we have a ban on anyone taking the pi$$ out of Essex's already-faltering promotion chase this year?" says Rory MacQueen, lashing out at a theme that I'm assured is yet to crop up today. "Given that England's batting would struggle to reach 300 on a shirtfront without these two..."

64th over: England 189-1 (Cook 84, Bopara 61) Ah, this is more like it: Jerome Taylor. But Cooks rolls the wrists to work a single to wide mid-on, a shot he likes very much, and Bopara turns him off his hip for one more. Cook then nibbles at one from round the wicket that leaves him and swings once it's passed the bat - for a moment there it looked like he might have nicked it. But only for a moment. "As someone who visits this site every few hours I always play the prediction game," explains Jonathan Bradley, not beginning promisingly. "I'm usually quite successful when England are batting, always opting for worst case scenarios, like 93-7 or 7 all out, or if the opposition is in then I'll opt for 223-1. But this current mini series is buggering up my personal averages." I'll pass on your concerns to Andy Flower.

65th over: England 194-1 (Cook 84, Bopara 65) Simmons continues at 75mph, much to the delight of England, and Bopara simply creams him through extra cover for four. Fine preparation for Australia, this. "What was Ian Bell's average before the 2005 Ashes series again?" asks James Boon, pouring cold water on the excitement of Bopara nudging 50. I believe it was just the 297. Oh happy days...

66th over: England 196-1 (Cook 84, Bopara 67) Bopara works Taylor through midwicket for a couple, but you still sense West Indies are going through the motions. Does any side sulk more effectively than them? Honestly, their captain should be Sourav Ganguly in Kolkata Knight Riders-jilted mode. "All right, I know the Windies aren't putting the wind up anyone but England should be praised for slamming them in the first Test andbatting faultlessly in this one," says Andrew Robertson, who then spoils a valid point with a stomach-churning cliche. "They can only beat what's in frontof them."

67th over: England 201-1 (Cook 85, Bopara 71) On and on go the Essex boys - and there's a remarkable shot from Bopara. It looked as if Simmons was about to do him with the yorker, but Bopara - falling over to the off-side - got bat on ball and watched it disappear through very wide mid-on for four. Modern bats, eh? That, though, was the England 200. Nice and easy. "Speaking of Bell, he must be gutted," points out Mark Willingham. "This game's perfectly set-up for him to come in at 350-4 and score 78 attractive, pressure-less runs that would have secured him his place for another 20 Tests."

68th over: England 206-1 (Cook 90, Bopara 71) Lovely shot from Cook, who leans back to guide Taylor backward of point for four more. A ninth Test hundred is his for the taking, surely. Half the battle must be convincing himself to be up for the fight, so half-baked is the effort of the West Indians.

69th over: England 210-1 (Cook 94, Bopara 71) Cook clips Simmons - yes, he's still bowling - through midwicket for four, and will be thrilled Gayle is persisting with his medium-pacer. In these instances it's a question of milking, rather than destroying, the bloke you want to keep bowling: the equivalent of Clive Lloyd deliberately dropping Geoff Boycott in the 1979 World Cup final. If you believe he really did... "Has no one realised that Cook looks to be heading into trouble?" asks Andrew Sanderson. "Solid half-century, looks well-set - this is most definitely brown-trouser time." That monkey clambered off his back in Barbados, Andrew. Fear not.

70th over: England 214-1 (Cook 95, Bopara 73) Nudges and dabs and this and that bring four off Taylor's over. "There's nothing so boring as England doing well eh?" writes Rich Cross, who I can only assume is being sarcastic. "Enjoy it while it lasts!" Or maybe he's an Aussie. Either way, I think the point is that this all feels rather bloodless. It doesn't feel like a top-class sporting contest in which both sides are putting their bodies and souls on the line. The Wisden Trophy deserves better (and it probably deserves better than a two-Test series, but that's another matter).

71st over: England 219-1 (Cook 96, Bopara 75) On comes Sulieman Benn in place of Simmons and he immediately hurries Bopara with one that goes straight on. But a quick single is followed by a sickening delivery that barely hits the cut strip on the off-side and scoots away for an extra wide off Ramdin's gloves. England are taking the quick singles well now - and that's the 150 stand at almost exactly three an over. "Don't mean to sound churlish regarding Andrew Robertson's comments, but "slamming" the WI?" asks Gareth Fitzgerald. "Call me slightly modern, but I always felt when any team was going at the scintillating rate of slightly less than three an over, against a load of part-time, dibbly-dobbly, namby-pamby pie-throwers, they weren't really putting the boots to the opposition." Slightly modern.

72nd over: England 226-1 (Cook 99, Bopara 75) Cook moves to 97 with a quick single to mid-off from a Taylor no-ball, then Bopara drives sweetly down the ground for three. Cook cuts for two to move to 99, then thinks about a suicidal single to mid-on. Bopara hares off, but is sent back quickly enough to avert disaster. Smiles are exchanged. "I don't think Chris Gayle's comments signify the death of Test cricket," says Arthur Centino, as a nation breathes again. "I do, however, feel that the sight of "Run-Machine" Ally Cook bashing a blistering two-and-a-half session ninety against the bowling giants of Gayle, Benn, Simmons and Baker will surely have fan interest in Twenty20 soaring. England should be destroying this sorry lot." I'd say they're doing a pretty effective job!

73rd over: England 235-1 (Cook 107, Bopara 76) Bopara drops Benn into the leg-side for a single, so Cook will get another crack at reaching three figures... and he does at the first time of asking, mowing a ball through the man at midwicket for four to move to his ninth Test hundred, in 209 balls and with 11 fours. Memorable it has not been; effective it has. And I'll stop talking like Yoda now as Cook hammers the next ball through point for four more. Benn looks disgusted with himself. "I have never been so insulted - an Aussie indeed!" fumes Richard Cross. "Totally agreed though that the WI performance and the empty ground and the freeezing cold don't really add up to the great sporting event a Test match should be. Still, you have to admit it really does make a change!" Yeessss....

74th over: England 237-1 (Cook 108, Bopara 77) Er, it's Lendl Simmons again. I suppose Gayle is trying to hurry through to the second new ball, as much as he hurries through to anything. Or perhaps Simmons falls into the category of partnership-breaker, although a record of nine first-class wickets in 61 matches doesn't necessarily back that up. "Isn't the problem down to all these fiddly little series?" asks Matt Delargy. "We play at their house for a bit, lose, then they come round to our house and we play again for a bit, winning this time? It's like the Premier League title being handed out every month. I don't know why didn't they roll the two series into one, having half in the Windies and half here. It would still be all to play for and people might actually shell out to watch, even so early in the 'summer', and by summer I mean late spring."

75th over: England 239-1 (Cook 109, Bopara 81) Just when you thought no one was going to defend Chris Gayle, in steps Richie Richardson. Apologies for Bopara jumping to 81: I must have missed some runs somewhere along the line. Tsk. Two off that Benn over.

76th over: England 242-1 (Cook 109, Bopara 84) Bopara may never get a better chance - let alone another chance - to score three successive Test hundreds. Simmons is still bowling and the Windies appear to be at his mercy as he tucks three more through midwicket. That should have been two, but that was a very slack piece of fielding from whoever that was - Devon Smith possibly. "Please stop showing emails from people who are unhappy with actually watching a solid England performance," says Ian Truman. "True, it's not thrilling exciting stuff but I don't care, I'm enjoying watching Cook (slowly) working his way back into form and watching Ravi hopefully helping himself to some easy runs before the tough stuff starts. It makes a pleasant change from getting depressed watching collapses and opposition run gluts."

77th over: England 257-1 (Cook 109, Bopara 99) Whatever Bopara had at the drinks break - can I have some of it too please? After defending Benn's first ball, he goes four, six, four (the latter providing the merest hint of a caught and bowled chance) all down the ground and suddenly finds himself on 98. The next ball is tucked to backward square for a single. Classy stuff from Ravi, even if the third of the boundaries was a little risky. But now he has the strike.

78th over: England 258-1 (Cook 109, Bopara 100) Simmons serves up an utter pie outside off, but Bopara doesn't care. He almost falls over trying to get bat to ball, but he succeeds and trots through for a third successive hundred - the first England batsman to achieve the feat in Tests since Graham Gooch in 1990. Boycott, Compton and Sutcliffe have done it before him. What a list! And what a player Ravi could become. Or possibly already is. "So just how many records do we think Ali Cook is going to break in his career?" asks Tom Bowtell. "If he maintains his current trajectory for another 12.5 seasons, until he is 37, he'll be on for a total of 14,784 runs and exactly 41.1428 centuries."

79th over: England 263-1 (Cook 109, Bopara 105) Bopara is flying now and cut the first ball of Benn's new over to third man for four. Most of his boundaries today have come on the off-side, with plenty of dabs for one to leg. He certainly knows his own game, although one cut shot in that over ricochets off the bottom edge and into the pads of Ramdin. A technical chance, no more. "Is this really such a different team to the one that ground out a series victory in the Caribbean so recently?" asks Luke Living. "OK, so that series didn't exactly set test cricket alight either, but what has suddenly turned the West Indies into such a 'sorry lot'? Is it just the apathy?"

80th over: England 265-1 (Cook 109, Bopara 107) Simmons is still bowling: two off the over. Groan. "I don't think commentators constantly saying "everything must be done to preserve Test cricket" is helping anything," says Thomas Carver. "In fact I think it is damaging Test cricket's image by making it sound like some comatose patient that needs its life support machine to survive. Test cricket does not need "preserving" any more than Christmas needs "preserving". It Test cricket gets boring then people won't watch it, and deservedly so. A bit like Woolworths being rubbish and going bankrupt, despite calls to preserve it. The fact is that when Test cricket is good it is amazing and it will continue to be amazing when there are a couple of evenly matched teams slugging it out on decent wicket - and then people will watch it, irrespective of how many crappy games there were before. The eighties had some spectacularly boring matches and series but people kept watching the interesting games." It's a fair point.

81st over: England 271-1 (Cook 110, Bopara 107)Vic Marks has written about Alastair Cook, who is almost cleaned up there by Fidel Edwards' opening offering of a new spell (still with the old ball) - a wild near-beamer that disappears for five wides. That rather sums things up. "Don't know about you, but this isn't so boring?" asks Jonny Sultoon. "Watching these two smash Lee, McGill, Kasper and Gillespie to all parts in August 05 and now doing it in a Test match four years late featuring the might of Simmons, Nash, Baker and Gayle is quite gratifying isn't it? Oh."

82nd over: England 272-1 (Cook 111, Bopara 107) Still no second new ball; still Simmons. What a strange old day. Cook pinches a single, and he must now be thinking in terms of a Test best. The highest of his previous eight hundreds was the 139 not out he made at Bridgetown earlier this year, but that really isn't good enough for an opener. "Pardon the intrusion and one may be incorrect," writes Joe Melia, "but didn't Ian Bell get 3 consecutive hundreds against Pakistan in 2006?" Ah yes, but that was in successive Tests. Bopara has done in successive innings - even more prolific.

83rd over: England 277-1 (Cook 115, Bopara 107) Edwards now has the second new cherry and he immediately forces an ungainly prod out of Cook, whose job begins all over again here. His answer? A flowing cover-drive for four. "Ah, Richie Richardson," reminsices John Marshall. "One of a long-ish line of Yorkshire's overseas players who have given so much to the county's younger players. Richie told Darren Gough to stop f*nnying about with medium pace and just to bowl fast; Jason Gillespie gave sage advice to Tim Bresnan on how to be a Test cricketer; and Boof Lehmann taught them how to smoke and drink. (With apologies to Boof, I know he was a genius really)."

84th over: England 279-1 (Cook 116, Bopara 108) Lionel Baker takes the new ball at the other end, but there's very little doing as Gayle looks on, hands deep in pockets and whistling in the wind. Two off the over. "As a stern advocate of Michael Vaughan's reinstatement in the side, might you be able to let us know whether Bopara's recent performances have changed your mind on the matter?" asks Billy Benros. "Not that it matters what anyone thinks now. Barring injury, he must be guaranteed a place for the Ashes. Right?!!" Right! You can't drop him now, and of course he doesn't deserve to be, although I still say No3 against the Australians is a very tough position indeed for a young fella, however well he's playing against West Indies. Good luck to him though. Vaughan's got next to no hope now.

85th over: England 282-1 (Cook 118, Bopara 108) Cook open-faces Edwards to third man for two, and then the bowler oversteps as England move inexorably towards 300. It's been a stroll today, it really has. "Has anyone suggested that Chris Gayle is deliberately setting up the most boring game of cricket in years to kill Test cricket and justify his comments?" asks Mark Ireland. "It's like when I used to smash the ball over the fence when I got bored of playing cricket with my brother."

WICKET! Bopara b Baker 108 (282-2) At last, some respite! Baker brings one back into Bopara, who plays forward and is gated by a beauty that pegs back off-stump.

86th over: England 282-2 (Cook 118, Anderson 0) So, that was a stand of 213 between the two Essex lads... what's this! Jimmy Anderson! Oh for goodness' sake. It's 282 for two, and still they feel the need for a nightwatchman...

87th over: England 290-2 (Cook 119, Anderson 0) Bopara studies his dismissal on the analyst's laptop and small gesture with his hand indicates he was done by late movement. It was a good ball. Edwards welcomes Anderson by hitting him on the glove as he turns away and then follows through for a few words. He sconed him at Lord's, and I'm not sure the two are on each others' Christmas-card lists. Anderson just ignores him, and is then happy to take four leg-byes off the third no-ball of the over. Fidel doesn't like it, but he's going to have to lump it.

88th over: England 291-2 (Cook 120, Anderson 0) Want to listen to the now infamous Gayle interview. Then click here. In other absurdities, I think I'm right in saying Anderson is yet to score a Test duck. The poor bloke keeps getting used as a punchbag for frustrated West Indies quicks - specifically, Edwards - as another long day comes to a close, although Baker in that over was less malevolent. After bowling 62 overs in two sessions, West Indies have slammed on the breaks since tea...

89th over: England 298-2 (Cook 126, Anderson 0) Edwards oversteps again and is then nurdled to third man for four by Cook, who now needs 16 more for a career-best. Make that 14 as Cook tucks a couple off his pads, then turns down a single off the last ball to allow his nightwatchman to protect him. Hmm. "I disagree with the use of nightwatchmen in almost every situation (and hasten to add that this includes the present)," declares Colin Orr. "I can perhaps see the thinking of Strauss/Flower here though - could they possibly be thinking of tomorrow morning and the use of Anderson (along with Cook) to see off the new ball and so not expose Pietersen? Overly cautious perhaps, but logical..." Bah. It's the kind of conservatism that cost England the Antigua Test. Not that it should make any difference here.

90th over: England 302-2 (Cook 126, Anderson 4) Anderson does his job with a flourish, cutting Baker to the boundary and walking off with a smile on his face. It's been England's - and Essex's day - and this series is now surely theirs. The worst that can happen from here, barring a miraculous collapse and a sudden show of interest from Chris Gayle, is a draw, and that will be enough to regain the Wisden Trophy. Thanks for all your emails and good night.