Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Hello Everyone. Everybody is always asks me to explain Korean culture to them. But really, they already know Korean culture: just they don't realize it! Here are some short videos to explain how things that are already familiar to them actually belong to Korea:

We plan to start asking for royalties in 2011, and start a new promotion: "Visit Korea: Your True Home" Year for the year 2012-2018.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

In conjunction with recent efforts to re-brand and globalize different aspects of Korean society, Korean president Lee Myung-bak made a stirring speech on Monday, inviting the diverse peoples living in Korea to participate actively in Korean society.

"We want to welcome all different people to join in making Korea great. Even darkies." President Lee Myung-bak said. "These days there have been some controversies about foreigners in Korea, and blatant racism, for example assaults on city buses; however, we want to make it clear that that guy won his case, and therefore Korea is now safe for foreigners to visit, without absolutely no risk of harassment.

"The fact is, we need foreigners these days: now that the birthrate is so low, we need people from inferior countries to work the jobs that are looked down upon, in order to prop up our economy and birthrate, and help our country remain superior to the home countries of those factory workers and foreign brides. Maintaining our standing as one of the world's developed nation means so much to us that we are even willing to sully the pure Korean bloodline in order to maintain it.

"Toward this end, we welcome any strong-backed male who does not wish to marry Korean women -- especially eunuchs, but even darkies -- as well as any non-Korean woman who is willing to marry a Korean man, and we leave the type of woman we welcome entirely up to the discretion of the Korean men, to choose whom they like, and turn up their noses at those they dislike. So probably no fatties.

You're especially welcome if you win a superbowl.

"We welcome your dirty-blooded mixed children into our factories, and we look forward to them playing an important role in Korean society, as building security guards, as trash collectors and gum-vendors, taxi and hogwan bus-drivers, and as sweet-hearted idiot sports team mascots, once the current generation of seniors, who currently play those roles, die off. We welcome the Western investor's money, we welcome the English teacher's... blue eyes... tank tops... and... grammar corrections... as well as the money their drug and HIV testing fees bring in. Yeah. We guess we appreciate those.

Yes," and here Lee Myung-bak stepped out from behind his podium, raising his hands above his heads. "We welcome wops, mics, honkies, mungs, gooks, jerries, frogs, rag-heads, darkies, wiggers, and mutts of any kind ... but not japs. Unless they're tourists with their wallets open. We welcome you all to Korea: a truly modern, open society!"

The press room stood and applauded, both for the president, and for Korea's future, as home for the full rainbow of inferior races, ready to be exploited for the benefit of the motherland.

Rather than name names or nitpick about the exact details, we would like to take a moment to explain ourselves. First of all, our Frappucino has its own good reasons for being leaky. In fact, to defend himself, in his own words, here is our frappucino himself.

"Hi. I'm a bottled Starbucks Frappucino. I'm so fresh I should be called bottled Freshuccino. I know that people have been blaming me for a lot of bad stuff, like soiling the pants of my golfing drinkers, or inconveniently, but seriously, nobody understands me. Listen, do you know what I've been through before you drink me down and toss me away, in a tawdry "Whappuccino, bappuccino, thank you frappuccino"? I live a hard life. My drinky goodness is heated to crazy hot temperatures in a horrific process called "pasteurization" -- believe me, for packaged drinks, pasteurization is like military service for Korean men: we're never the same again. Then, the lid is jammed clumsily onto me, by a big machine that doesn't even introduce itself. Those of us who don't survive pasteurization and bottling have our shattered wrecks brushed aside and left on the assembly line floor, like a warning to the rest of us. Being crammed in a box with more of my kind, shipped in the dark, stored in the cold, and then drunk and discarded: seriously, we could go for a little sympathy, instead of a bunch of whining that we're a bit leaky. You'd be leaky, too.

Plus, my parents never loved me.

So next time your frappucino bottle leaks on your gym shorts, instead of swearing and cursing me, why don't you slow down, take a look at me, and maybe offer up a little TLC, or some sympathy. It might not mean a lot to you, but after the crappy life I've had, I'm about to go hide on a beach somewhere to cut someone's foot. And it'd be your fault."

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Setting the Record Straight Part II: We Demand To Be Taken Seriously(read part 1)

By Oh Young-jinCity Editor

Despite our best Jedi Mind Trick of telling our readers that we're a good paper, because we say we're a good paper, certain "misunderstandings" about The Korea Times persist, regarding our coverage of news in general, and English teachers and celebrities in particular.

Rather than nitpick over the contents of articles seem to be the basis for expat criticism, rather than defend point-by-point the stories we have found compelling and vital to report, for example pictures of Tiger Woods' pornstar girlfriends, and to-the-minute coverage on which western and Korean stars will have onscreen kisses or pose nude, we would like to share with our readers some principles this newspaper operates by.

Above all, we believe that a newspaper is a marketplace. In other words, to get more hits and increase our advertising revenue, we must try to publish hard-hitting news that random googlers and Koreaphiles might want to read. We emphasize the word, "try," because it is hard these days to steal trashy hits from Perez Hilton, or classy hits from The New York Times. The objectivity in news coverage can be a matter of subjectivity from the perspective of the parties directly involved in a given perspective, and subjective perspectives of objective subjects can be uncoverable in objective coverage, subjectively. After all, journalists are only human.

Our journalists believe the size of Keira Knightley's breasts is an important issuer for many of our readers, and the possibility Keira posing nude is important for Korean culture, even though he does not have the large breasts Koreans traditionally expect in foreign men. It is important that this is the first time he will appear nude other than in Domino, Edge of Love, The Hole, and Silk, and the cover of Vanity Fair Similarly, our audiences want to know what Sharon Stone looks like without makeup, even if some "bloggers" think this is just filler. What will they think when we publish next month's Before and After Plastic Surgery photo series?

More to the point, something happens, and it seems like a good story, and we received it by e-mail from another source which has its own webpage, our extensive vetting process has been completed, and if it seems like it will attract readers, it is our duty as a news organization to publish it. We fail to see how readers cannot understand that. Mark our words: in two weeks, when the whole world is buzzing about the 500-Year-Old Alien Graveyard found in Rwanda, The Korea Times will be on everyone's lips, as the first legitimate source to break the story after the Weekly World' News's in depth feature (stay tuned for a weekly column about Korea from Bat Boy). It is our duty, as a socially responsible paper, to attempt to turn the tide against out-of-control feminism in Korea: 115th in the Gender Empowerment Measure is twentieth from the bottom of the list, but we believe Korea is capable of beating out ALL other countries in the race to be number one. Screw you, Burkina-Faso!

Some have also criticized The Korea Times for its proofreading and editing; however, Bonzo the chimp wishes you to know that he works tirelessly to present articles that are flawless, in his mind. We know how to spell salaciuss as well as the next guy.

We believe that we must respond to allegations that our quality has been sliding lately, now that our advertising sponsors have contacted us. It is time to reassert our credibility as a news agency, by telling you that we are credible, and to reassert our professionalism by telling you that we are proffesioanll. Now we can send a copy of this article to our advertisers, to reassure them. After all, if it's in a newspaper, it must be right.

If you can find another news source that is more reigorus in fact checking and proofreading than we are, that is more eager to print corrections (of our readers) when they are found to be in error, we would like to hear about them: after phoning the head of Anti-English Spectrum, and sending unanswered text messages to Korean immigrants living in the towns that are headquarters to the world's most prestigious news sources, we have not heard report of one paper that is more rigorous or pfrofsesionar than we are. In fact, we appear to be in the top one percentile in a random survey of Korea Times staff members.

We have made extra effort to endure that our agendas are not hidden. How can you accuse us of having hidden agendas? We have foreign employees who check all our articles for integrity, authenticity, and verifiability. It's hard for Emma, whose father works for the British Embassy, to get all that work done after school, but she is well compensated for it, and if you cannot see the fruit of her work, you are not looking hard enough: we looked bloody hard to find cops who would say 90% of English teachers used marijuana; you could at least do us the courtesy of looking equally hard for fairness and correctness in our reporting.

Importantly, The Korea Times keeps its doors open to any suggestion, believing that the newspaper business is a two-way street; our role is not just the provider of news but the recipient of reactions. This is why we have opened up our pages to free content feedback from readers numerous times, though of course we sometimes cannot print your letters, if they are not positive. Sometimes instead we must write an editorial like this to correct your wrong perception of us. Please understand our situation.

We have tried to help you, poor foreigners. We know you are lonely and frustrated because you're basically retard-babies stumbling around Korea like assholes. We have reached out to you as kindly as we can, and we have tried to put you in our shoes, but stop being so sensitive, just because our articles have been enabling anti-foreign bias in English-reading Koreans... who really cares about that anyway: the real racists are the ones who can't read or speak English at all, so why don't you chill out, and if you don't want to take us seriously, you can go home.

Monday, 14 December 2009

Shopkeeper Ha Jung-mi, manager of an Olive Young cosmetics franchise, had to close down her shop and take three days off for "mental recovery" after having her mind blown. The 41 year-old small business owner was putting together a playlist CD for her shop speaker system.

"I had a great playlist. It might have been the most complete and comprehensive playlist of Christmas music ever made. It went like this:

All I want for Christmas Is You - Mariah CareyLast Christmas - RainO Holy Night - DBSK and BoaLast Christmas - Once Again and Ju BoraAll I want for Christmas is You - from Love ActuallyLast Christmas - George Michael and Wham!All I Want for Christmas is You - Jang Dong Won (see above)Last Christmas - BoAO Holy Night - Fly To The SkyLast Christmas - RumblefishAll I Want for Christmas Is You - Mariah CareyLast Christmas - (instrumental)Last Christmas + All I Want for Christmas is You Medley (by jared leto)O Holy Night - Mariah CareyAll I want for Christmas Is You - K-pop Disco Version

But then, Jung-mi did a search online for another version of O Holy Night, to round out her playlist and balance all the "Last Christmas"es, and, as she says,

"My whole world started wavering... it turns out there are actually FOUR Christmas songs, not just three -- that's 33% more than I ever realized! Can you imagine if you suddenly discovered you were making 33% more profit than you'd realized? Can you imagine if you discovered you had 33% more hand-lotions and facial creams in your storage room? It'd be a huge party!"

Jung-mi had discovered another Christmas song. As word spreads, all of Korea is rocking with this shocking discovery.

"I had no idea there was this other Christmas song: it turns out that to fill out their last Christmas album, TVXQ/DBSK/Dongbangshingi actually wrote this other song, called "Silent Night" -- it's quite pretty, actually. I'm just so amazed, I mean, they could have just filled in the rest of their Christmas album by doing 'All I Want for Christmas is You' or 'Last Christmas,' or maybe some instrumentals and remixes of "O Holy Night," but instead they went and wrote this whole other Christmas song!"

And what does Jung-mi think of this new Christmas song?

"Well, it's pretty, but "All I Want for Christmas" and especially "Last Christmas" are just much older songs, so in my opinion they have more deep feeling than this 'silent night' ditty. However, as time goes by, it may join the ranks of those Christmas classics, and become more meaningful."

It may, it may. And the world will have Dongbangshingi to thank for bringing so much to Christmas music, and contributing to all our holiday spirits.

Tie: 1. make kimchi; Korea has four seasons; can you eat spicy food?; visit palaces; dokdo belongs to Korea, Hangul is the greatest alphabet in the history of anything2. dokdo belongs to Korea3. fold paper into animal shapes (NOT origami)4. class in Korean poetry5. Japan is bad6. learn the Dangun myth; did we mention Hangul is great?7. make more kimchi, and cooking other Korean dishes to please your husband

Second level: digging deeper

8. Korea is 5000 years old9. Korean family values are better than yours10. make Korean folding screens11. learn types of Korean samul-nori drums, and how to play janggu12. beauty of Hanbok13. making hanbok14. dancing in hanbok15. history of Korean war and hating America

Third level: How long have you been here? You're practically Korean!

16. how to please Korean husband17. you must have done something to make him hit you18. knowing your proper place19. submit to mother-in-law20. why are you bad, disobedient wife and daughter-in-law?21. visiting filming sites of Korean Wave dramas and movies22. how to eat spicy food23. reasons to hate Japan24. Samsung is better than Sony25. why you got quoted a higher first price than that Korean guy26. make more kimchi27. health benefits of kimchi28. history of kimchi29. Korean pride of kimchi30. whew! I think I need to make more kimchi after all that31. get photographed making kimchi32. make a half-korean baby

Fourth level: filling in the corners, explaining the nuances

33. he was drunk and he probably had a hard life. He didn't know what he was doing34. language class: how to say nice things about Korea35. we don't like talking about North Korea36. (if female) be on Misuda37. why your darker south-asian skin is bad38. how to pleasantly accept our condescending behavior toward you39. getting a bank account and credit card40. more about that old guy who smells funny and keeps approaching you in the street41. why being foreign means you don't deserve the more convenient phone plan42. Korean language: how to bad-mouth English teachers and Japan43. why your baby is not Korean enough

Fifth level: well fine, since you keep asking

44. finding an apartment45. things to expect from your mother-in-law once you bear her son's child46. things to expect from your husband once you bear his child47. homeschooling options because your baby is half-korean 왕따 (outcast) in school48. make kimchi49. reasons to hate Japan50. how to hide the shame that you're not Korean from your daughter's classmates' mothers51. Korean language lessons (polite conversation)

Sixth level: You're going to have to ask another foreigner. We've got nothing about that, and we doubt it actually happens

52. how not to get beat up when seen in public with a Korean female53. how to prove you're not a Russian whore before admittance into a hospital54. where to get legal advice about exploitative employer55. how to help my kid speak better Korean56. resolving landlord disputes57. contacting rape help center58. why being assaulted was your fault59. Korean women are very beautiful60. contacting your country's embassy61. how to leave undesirable job situation62. how to report domestic abuse to police63. make more kimchi64. contact Korean Human Rights agencies65. dokdo belongs to Korea66. your legal rights in Korea67. Korean language lessons (explain your complaint to the police)68. blood-money should be enough to satisfy you69. location of shelters and welfare groups for battered women70. divorce abusive husband71. escape from human traffickers72. Korean language lessons (refuse to be strong-armed by police into dropping charges)

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

I'm a good Korean man. I paid my dues as a Korean male: I downed shots at my managers' orders, and waited my turn to force other entry-level workers to drink until they couldn't move. I forced my wife to quit her job like a dutiful bread-winner would, and I conscientiously cover my tracks when I go whoring, in order to avoid shaming my wife. I gave a false name to that Philippino lady, so that she'll never be able to track me down for paternity payments after I nailed her without a condom for that week I went on a golfing vacation, so that my family's will not be dishonored.

And it is because of my strong family values that I am upset, nay, shocked, that the Constitutional Court has repealed the law that punishes men for promising marriage in order to get women to have sex.

You see, first of all, the kind of men who do this deserve to be punished: they have their social order all mixed up. Everybody knows that the fun girls who are sex partners don't need promises of marriage to put out: just a bit of alcohol and flattery, or some money. If men are dumb enough not to be able to differentiate the "Good Marriage Prospect" girls from the "Fun Time Easy Girls," here are some tips they can follow:

1. If her skirt is below mid-thigh, she is unlikely to be a fun-time girl.2. If she is backlit by a room full of purple lights, and sitting in a window on a stool, she is a fun-time girl.3. If you met her in church, she is... probably not... a fun-time girl.4. If she wants you to meet her parents, she is a marriage prospect.5. If she is in high school, and you met her online, she is a fun-time girl.

Any man who cannot tell who are fun-time girls and who are not, is a darn fool... or he is simply too cheap to follow the natural order of Korean society, and pay for sex from the proper class of female. He should indeed be punished for trying to get things for free, by trying to make a fun-time girl think he considers her a good marriage prospect. This law blurs the line between the different classes of girls, and will lead to social chaos.

If we allow men to lure women into bed by promising marriage, imagine the kind of society we will have! Rich young men will drive down the street, leering out their car windows and proposing marriage to any girl they see. Those poor ignorant females will not know who is sincere and who is lying, and the lure of their fancy cars will blind them to their normal common sense. Respectable young ladies will be besmirched, rather than just the easy fun-time sex partners, and soon there will be no pure virgins for men to marry, after they have had their fun boinking the fun-time girls.

Next, those goodwives, who used to know their place, will want to keep working after they have babies, and may stop being satisfied with brand name fixations and Korean Television Dramas, those mind-numbing opiates that have kept them from eclipsing men in Korean society so far. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it! If the family goes topsy-turvy, next kids without academic talent might choose to go into useful skilled trades, instead of failing ultra-competitive tests, time and time again. They might start wanting to live alone, or make dating, education, or work choices that make them independent and happy, rather than choosing the options that give their parents optimum bragging rights. Confucius' Bones! What is the world coming to!

The Ministry of Gender Equality must act immediately to restore Korea's social order and family values, so that the different calibers of women remain in their proper spheres, and the good looking and well-educated men of Korea can continue browbeating their proper wives into quitting their jobs after they have babies, and putting their educations and career potentials where they belong: on the shelf.

Fortunately, there are still a few lies that are illegal to tell, when trying to lure a Korean woman into bed.

1. I'll pay you when we're done. (better not lie: pay what was promised)2. This is my Equus, not my father's.3. No, I'm sure it's legal at your age.4. Don't worry: it's perfectly safe to ride behind me without a helmet. I'm an excellent scooter driver.5. My father's the owner: that's why I'm doing deliveries for this restaurant.6. I think that English teacher dropped something in your drink.7. Don't make that face: it grows when it gets hard. (yes, I went there)

If these lies also become legal, it will be utter chaos in Korea!

As a Public Service Announcement, you should know that it is, however, legal to seduce a woman by saying:1. "No, no. These cocktails are no stronger than the beer I'm drinking."and2. "I'm just bringing you to this motel so you can sleep it off."

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It's Satire, Stupid

Sometimes, the best way to handle another culture is to laugh.
This blog is a satire. By reading this site, you acknowledge that you're smart enough to tell the difference between joking and honesty. If you are dumb enough to think these articles are the entirety of my actual opinions about Korea, or to think that anybody considers this blog an authoritative source on info about Korea, your permission to read this blog is revoked, due to your lack of a sense of humor. Go look at pictures of kimchi. They won't confuse you with uncertainty about what is true and what is a satirical facade. But maybe the kimchi was made in China.