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} Oh humble supplicant,}} You have apparently been working with a Unichs computer. As you know,} Unichs is a lot like DOS, but without the....well, anyway, it's missing} something.}} OK, so here's what you probably did:}} rm (filename)}} What you really wanted to do, is tell it to "Read My (filename)", but} Unichs, being the rather simplistic language that it is, takes "rm" to} mean "delete". If you want to read something, you type "cat} (filename)". Why it isn't "dog (filename)" is not clear, but is lost} to the ravages of time.}} It's all very simple, really. Rename, which could be expected to} be called "rm", is in fact "mv". Copy makes a bit of sense, it's "cp",} but that could also stand for "cut & paste".}} Keep in mind that Unix was developed by a joke by a bunch of computer} geeks, and was never meant to be released as a viable operating system.}} Anyway, here's how you get your file back:}} Submit an oracular work-request, asking to have the file restored. I} should be able to get to it within 3 working days (that's Oracular} days, each of which is....lets see here....4539 earth days.) The} sooner you submit the work-request, the sooner I'll finish, so don't} dally. Include on the work request, the following:}} >The filename in question} >The sector address where it used to reside} >Your full backups from 3 minutes before you biffed it} >A complete copy of the information in the file.}} You owe the Oracle an explanation of where the command "grep" came} from, and what the heck that stands for. Some things, even the} all-knowing can't fathom.

} The Oracle passes over the chrysoprase flagstones of the gentle} temple, jasmine on the soft summernight's air. Diana smiles down upon} him as he spreads a goatskin on the springy grass and composes himself} for sleep.}} And from the East comes an exquisite creature, of such lovliness as to} launch 1024 ships. The Oracle smiles up at her. She smiles down.}} "Oracle? You answer questions, in exchange for... payment. Right?"}} His smile is a rainbow. "Right."}} She simpers demurely. Scuffs her toe in the grass. "Well... there's} only one thing I want to know." Her bosom heaves under glittering} stars.}} "Anything, my love."}} "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck} wood?"}} The Oracle's eyes bulge. The girl smiles, but her mouth is suddenly} filled with fangs... A sudden scudding of cloud, chill wind; and from} the West the Oracle sees... THINGS! Crawling on all fours, hornrimmed} scabarous eyes dripping pus and scalps shedding snowstorms of dandruff} and painful erections throbbing through plaid trousers like month-old} hot dogs. He can hear their uncouth cries: "Why can't I get laid..."} "How can I get a date with Lisa..." "How can I meet a woman..." "Who} is Barbara?" "What do women want..."}} The Oracle lurches to his feet and pounds away over the withering} grass...}} Message from kinzler@iuvax on console at 21:59 ...} THIS IS THE LIFE I HAVE PREPARED FOR YOU. THIS IS YOUR DESTINY. YOU} CANNOT ESCAPE.}} "Why? Why has this been done this to me? Mercy! Mercy!!!"}} Message from lucifer@circle9.hell.com on console at 00:00 ...} Bitch, bitch, bitch. I suppose you'd rather be frozen up to your} schnitzelgruben in a lake of eternal ice?}} Message from shiva@peak.himalayas.nepal on console at 00:00 ...} You don't think my feet don't hurt after all this dancing? Especially} when I see Vishnu undoing all my hard work?!}} Message from odin@throne.valhalla.org on console at 00:01 ...} I gave my *eye* for *my* eternal wisdom, you little snot! Hung from} the Tree of Life for three days and nights... and I'm *still* doomed} to perish at Ragnarok! But you don't hear me complaining, do you?}} Message from osiris@memphis.mirror.org on console at 00:01 ...} It wasn't any picnic getting ripped limb from limb and widely} scattered. Not to mention the fact that they couldn't even *find* my} schnitzelgruben and now I have to make do with one of wood...}} Message from buddha@<NULL> on <NULL> at 00:02 ...} This is maya, Grasshopper. Why do you resent what is not there?}} Message from cthulhu@rlyeh.pacific on console at 00:02 ...} Perhaps you'd like to TRADE PLACES, eh? Let's see what waiting for} death to die over strange aeons does for YOUR attitude!}} Message from prometheus@rock.tartus.greece on console at 00:03 ...} How do you feel about birds?}} Message from. . . Message from. . . Message from. . .}} * * *}} The Oracle jumps awake, eyes backforth flicking... gropes for the vial} of ephedrine.}} As stumbles to his blindingly white linen robe, he holds his head and} knows, as only an omniscient can know, what to expect from the coming} day. "Somebody," he says, "owes me a good night's sleep."

} Mark Cherian, final year philosophy student, sat staring in} disbelief at question 1 on the exam paper. He blinked. He rubbed} his eyes and looked back at the paper to see if he was halucinating.} After all, he was mentally exhausted from studying right through} the previous night. But no, the question was still there, grinning} at him. "My *god*" thought Mark, "The examiners have really} flipped this time. They've asked some doozies in the past, but} this really takes the biscuit. Never mind, if I can answer the} others I'll still do OK". He looked at the next question.}} -- 2) What is the difference between a duck ?}} Mark rolled his eyes. "What the hell are they up to?"}} -- 3) My dog has no nose. How does it smell ?}} That did it. Clearly there had been some mistake, and a bad joke} book had been substituted for the exam paper. He looked around the} hall. Strange, everyone else appeared to be working as normal. Not} a puzzled look on any of their faces. Perhaps it was only *his*} paper that was wrong. He put his hand up. An invigilator spotted} this, and approached. "Oh no!" thought Mark "not him!"} "What's the problem, Mark ?" asked Professor Scott.} "My exam paper, I think it's different to everyone elses"} "It is. And look at question 4" said the Professor, grinning evily.}} --4) Argue the moralilty of screwing my wife the other night when I} was working late.

> O Oracle, who receiveth some pretty weird grovels, and who excelleth in> the use of Elizabethan English, pray tell me why thou sufferest to live> those who commit any of several faults:>> - Missing grovel> - Hasty or perfunctory grovel> - Use of interjective "Oh" instead of vocative "O"> - Failure to use correct Elizabethan English>> Or dost thou actually accept Elizabethan(II) English and all the> lesser forms, these days?

} Thou thy grovel be marginal, an anfwer be forthcoming.}} I can fee that thou art a bard at heart.} All forms of English are acceptacle to the Ufenet Oracle, as are all} other lanuages. Although it feems that the colonials fave you yet} maftered the Queen's English. For footh, I have faid many a time that} the Americans cannot teach their children how to fpeak proper English.}} Thou oweft the Oracle the letter f.

> Oh most absolute, admirable, astute, august, authoritative,> celebrated, celestial, charismatic, diligent, distinguished, divine,> dominant, eminent, erudite, everlasting, execptional, extraordinary,> famous, grand, great, heavenly, immortal, ineffable, infinite,> influential, majestic, mighty, noble, omnipotent, omnipresent,> omniscient, outstanding, perspicacoius, powerful, prestigious,> profound, remarkable, renound, respected, sagacious, shrewd, sublime,> superior, supreme and wise Oracle,>> A while back I asked you that question again, and gave three> conditions. You replied with a few other conditions that I was not> aware of. For this, I thank you. But my question still remains> unanswered. So, I will put it to you again:>> Oh Oracle, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if:>> a) the woodchuck were capable of chucking wood (of course), AND> b) said woodchuck were capable of chucking wood for hours on end, AND> c) said woodchuck were given a time limit of three hours?> d) the set of all woodchucks is non-empty> e) the set of wood is non-empty> f) the set of unchucked wood is always non-empty> g) the intersection of the set of wood and the set of woodchucks> is empty> h) wood is capable of being chucked> i) wood that has been chucked remains chucked> j) wood does not spontaneously become chucked> k) wood cannot be simultaneously chucked and unchucked> l) it is possible to distinguish chucked from unchucked wood> m) there is a physical measurement for the rate of woodchucking> n) the rate of wood chucking is constant> o) the amount of wood that has been chucked is a linear function> of the rate of chucking>> I await your most illuminating reply.

} Unfortunately, all the recent woodchucking woodchuck publicity has} forced all of the aforementioned woodchucking woodchucks into} seclusion (they like to chuck in private.) Thus, your question} is, alas, moot.}} However, in order for them to fulfill their long-term wood} displacement contracts with "Mother M," they have sub-contracted} the job to an international consortium of voles.}} Of course, voles cannot chuck wood; therefore, they have developed} a new technique for moving it.}} You owe the Oracle the answer to the following question:}} "How much wood could a vole roll if a vole could roll wood?"

> Oh wise and forgiving oracle who would never wear plaid and is kind to> most arrdvarks and Barry Manilow, wouldst thou please tell me what> exactly a "ZOT" is? I have seen the term used many times by you, in> your infinite linguistic knowledge, have looked up the term in> Webster's, called the Betty Crocker 800 number, and searched through> thousands of old Bazooka wrappers looking for some small pittiance of> an answer to no avail. Please help me, oh great one, for I am an> English major, and would really like to add the term to my vocabulary.

} You are very wise to seek such knowledge and it pleases me to tell the} story of the "ZOT" to a student of the language such as yourself.}} Many years ago, in the darkest jungles of Africa, there lived a tribe} of people called the Yugos. In this tribe was a witch-doctor, a man} named Bimmer. All of the people looked to Bimmer to discern between the} works of the gods and the works of man. When Volvo's baby died, Bimmer} said that the gods were not happy with the way she had presented her} last offering. When Mercedes' baby died he said that it was Infant} Death Symdrome and that she should of had a monitor in the crib. One} year the crops failed and Bimmer said that the gods were angry because} the seeds had not been properly consecrated before they were sown.} Three years later the crops failed again and Bimmer said that it was} because the acidity level of the soil was too high causing improper} absorption of necessary nutrients through the root hairs.}} And so it went, year after year, disaster after disaster, Bimmer always} there to provide the explanation. And the people were content.}} Then one day, when Bimmer was very old, he fell while free-climbing up} the sheer face of Mount Lotus. And as the people gathered around his} broken body there was much murmering. "Is this the hand of the gods?".} "What could Bimmer have done to cause the gods to kill him?". And as} they wondered Bimmer's lips started to move. A young maiden quickly} jumped to his side to hear his final words. As she placed her ear next} to the old man's mouth she heard Bimmer say with a final sigh} "Ran...out...of...chalk". And the people were sad.}} Shortly after the burial a young warrior of the village was injured} while cutting wood and the people were confused. Some said "We have} offended the gods and they are angry with us" Others said that Honda} should not have removed the kick-guard from his chainsaw. And there} was much discension in the tribe.}} A great council was held by all of the tribal leaders to discuss what} needed to be done now that Bimmer was dead. After many hours of} talking and arguing and playing checkers it was decided that a great} sacrifice would be offered to the gods and the entire village would} pray that they would receive someone to restore peace to the village -} someone who could explain why bad things happened.}} The next evening, all of the people gathered in the canyon of worship} and many burnt offerings were made. Sheep, goats, mother-in-laws, even} an original autographed copy of the White Album were given to the gods} in the hope that they would aid them. "O great gods of the earth and} sky, help us in our need, restore the peace we once had, give us a way} to discern between your unquestionable actions and our stupid} accidents, we pray thee."}} Immediately, the sky lit up and a voice came out of the heavens, "I} have heard your plea and will answer it. From now on whenever I cause} pain and suffering I will preceed it with a sound. If pain and} suffering befall you without this sound then it is due to sheer dumb} luck. I have spoken."}} A great cry went up from the crowd, "O mighty gods, what is this sound} that we know what to listen for?"}} The voice replied, "Here is the sound, listen well for I shall not} repeat it with consequences. I have spoken."}} ================================== ZOT}} ================================= Another great cry went up from the} crowd, "What was that?", "I didn't hear it, someone was talking", "Tell} the gods to repeat the sound, my tape recorder wasn't on",} "SHHHHHHHHHHHHH", "EVERYONE SHUT-UP!!!!".}} Silence. "O wise gods, please repeat the sound for not all of us were} listening."}} ================================== ZOT}} ================================= The people cheered. "We have heard} the sound!!! Peace will once ag..."}} At that moment the earth shook and the mountains trembled and the walls} of the canyon cliffs came crashing down killing the entire population} of the village.}} You owe the Oracle a new European sportscar.

> O Great Oracle. please answer once and for all this most important of> questions. I have been sitting and thinking about it for ages.>> The toilet roll can be hung in one of two ways.>> Either Or> _| _|> / |<---- wall / |<---- wall> / | / |> ___/ | ___/ |> / /\ | / /\ |> | o |\ | /| o | |> \___/| | |\___/ |> | | | |>> Which is the correct way? By my calculations (working it out with> pencil and paper as I often do), it should be the first one, because> pulling the paper out and down as one does would make the roll move out> from the wall and free its movement (so to speak), whereas the second> one pushes the roll into the wall and binds it up (as it were). Is my> thinking correct, or have I simply been going through the motions?

> You smell like a big porcupine. There, I said it. I got it off my> shoulders and now I can worship you as you deserve. OH MASTER, FORGIVE> ME!>> Who is ELCARO, and why does he insist we insult him, and then answer> his questions?

> Oh great omnisceint Oracle, I am stuck at home during my spring break> because I couldn't afford to go to Florida with my friends. I am bored> out of my mind. What can I do to keep myself entertained?

} I hard question indeed. What could as fun as drinking enormous} volumes of bad beer, throwing your guts up, passing out on a crowded} beach, and suffering from severe sunburn? Tough question. However,} Mr. Usenet "party animal" Oracle always has a ready answer.}} One word: "microwave." You may ask, what fun is a microwave oven? I} thought it was an ordinary cooking device. I did not know that it} could be a source of entertainment too. Ah, but it is true. Here are} five (5) fun and easy things that you can do with a microwave oven.}} 1. Fill a glass with alchohol or kerosine. Put a steel brillo pad} into the glass. Put the glass into the microwave. Turn it on. Make} sure your fire insurance is paid up, ha ha!}} 2. Go to the local animal shelter and purchase a cat. (Incidently,} the local animal shelter can provide hours of entertainment on its} own.) Put the cat into the microwave. Attach the microwave to a} radiation source to randomly determine whether to turn the microwave} on or not. In effect, this is the famous Schroedinger's Cat} experiment. Afterwards, you will have a cat that is only 50% alive.} Great for breaking the ice at parties.}} 3. Buy a ten pound bag of microwave pop corn. Fill the microwave to} the brim. Weld the door closed. Turn it on. Make a bet with your} friends on whether the corn will stop popping or the microwave will} explode first.}} 4. Carefully remove the metal screen the from the door of the} microwave. Make a study on how long it takes for your family to get} cancer. For more data, do the same thing to all of your friends'} families.}} 5. Microwave ovens and water go together perfectly. Take your} microwave into your bath tub with you. Nothing is better than grilled} cheese sandwiches will relaxing in a nice hot bath. For added} excitement, you can try to determine if your microwave can work while} under water. The answer may shock you, ha ha!}} Have a great time. If the microwave is not fun enough, then I know a} few things that you can do with a garbage disposal too!}} You owe the Oracle some fun in the sun.