Dear Diary: Praise for the unfettered masculinity of New York musical theatre

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Dear Diary: Praise for New York musical theatre

The National Post re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. Today, Tristin Hopper looks at the week through the eyes of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Monday
Perfect, my electric razor doesn’t fit the U.S. plugs – so it looks like I’m going to be a bit hirsute when addressing the UN. Before I even had a chance to check into our hotel, I had to meet with that wiener Ban-Ki Moon who made me promise to avoid inflammatory rhetoric. Inflammatory? Moi? Anyway, my speech was nothing new: Just some accusations of devil worship and a shout-out to the Occupiers. The Canadian and U.S. delegations trembled at my words so much that they had to sprint to the bathrooms to void their bowels. I was just about to mention that 9/11 was Zionist plot, but they started playing the cut-off music.

Tuesday
You want proof that capitalism is failed? I’m in the middle of the largest city in the United States and I can’t even hail a taxi. Anyway, while walking along Fifth Avenue, who should I run into but Harper, that Beatle-haired Canadian puppet leader. “Hey, did you cut off diplomatic ties or something because, like, I didn’t even notice,” I said. “Yeah, because I’ve been spending a lot of time with Russia – did you see their Arctic capabilities?” That should show him.

Related

Wednesday
That shark Netanyahu thinks he can sway world opinion with a cartoon bomb? Well, if it’s props those UN lackies want, it’s props they’ll get. I’ve always thought that the best way to illustrate American imperialist treachery was with a few card tricks, some juggling and a performance of the linking rings. Having not seen half my delegation since we deplaned, I’ve been told that they’ll be in Midtown for the next few days preparing a detailed report on the immorality of American adult entertainment venues. Last year’s report seemed detailed enough, but they insist.

Thursday
Today came the best part of my visit: A meeting with a delegation of American university students. The sight of all their youthful, eager faces put me in a philosophical mood. “The world over, people are kind and loving — we are made of the same fabric,” I told them. “Only with fairness and tolerance for all human beings can we move forward.” Well, except for the uncivilized Zionist hordes: May their homes and farms be turned to ash and their women and children be driven screaming into the sea.

Friday
Five days in New York, and I must admit, I’m kind of disappointed I still haven’t seen any homosexuals. Certainly, I thought, I would see some of them in my much-anticipated attendance at the Phantom of the Opera. But among the burly, muscular physiques of the performers, all I saw was raw, unfettered masculinity. The Americans would be well-advised to steer their children away from the temptations of buggery by instituting mandatory musical theatre training. Our plane leaves tonight — which gives me only a few hours more to sample New York’s sumptuous food offerings: Pastrami sandwiches, latkes, gefilte fish – why don’t we have any of this in Iran?