Kirsten Dunst may have lost Emmy gold but her boobs won the red carpet

There were a lot of things I was happy about when it came to the 2016 Primetime Emmy Awards, none of which included Jimmy Kimmel flailing with some really subpar shitty jokes. I was super excited to see my all-time favorite TV babe, Tatiana Maslany pick up the Best Dramatic Actress Emmy for the first time after carrying the show "Orphan Black" on her amazing ability to have the audience truly believe she was a dozen different people. I'm also happy to see that Rami Malek pick up the Best Dramatic Actor Emmy for his turn as the compelling and twisted hacker from "Mr Robot," beating out a bunch of bigger names who worked more on flair than on talent. And let's not forget the touchingly awkward acceptance that Kate McKinnon gave for her Best Supporting Comedy Actress Emmy for her work on "Saturday Night Live," proving that not only is she the best female cast member since Kristen Wiig (as most people love to say), she's actually better.

But when it comes to who won the Emmy Awards for the entire night? That distinction goes to Kirsten Dunst and her healthy display of cleavage. When Kiki gets out the big guns, everyone else knows the game is over. Many of you young dudes came into puberty when Dunst was doused by rain water in that first SPIDER-MAN movie. Many still sat through the melancholy MELANCHOLIA simply for the honor of taking in those bare breasts in all of their glory. Kirsten seems far more like the British patron saint of cleavage, Helen Mirren, than even her American younger self, Jennifer Lawrence, knowing when to hold them, when to fold them, when to put them on display and when to smile and know what we all really came to see.