It has been a thought which has been going around – the spaghetti junction thought highway which is – in my brain for some time now.

Well I say that it is a thought, but to be honest it kind of yoyo’s between a thought and a consideration. Leaping into a possible conclusion one minute and then crashing into a deeply serious and concerned question the next. Do you ever notice how such ‘deeply serious and concerned questions often take on the feel – even the familiar vocal tones and inflections of authority figures from your childhood? Or is that just me? LOL.

But I digress. So yes this one has been circling around inside my brain (and if I am totally honest my heart) for some time now.

And I can’t help wondering if poor old Mini Mental Me (pictured left) – he who is the keeper and filing clerk of all my thoughts – isn’t just about frazzled with this one by now.

You see different folk, most of whom really are so very well intentioned, have different ideas about this one, don’t they? Especially if, like me, you are a Christian and especially, like in my case, those ‘folk’ are also Christian.

In which case you tend to get a very specific and peculiar brand of responses and opinions on this particular subject.

“No, struggling means that you are not trusting.” is one response I have heard a number of times.

“You aren’t letting go of something if you are struggling with it.” Is another supposed pearl I have often been offered. And I have to be honest here, I have mixed opinions as to both the validity and the usefulness of such responses – especially when it comes to mental health and mental illness.

And of course the whole “It really is OK to struggle” consideration gives light – well to the observant amongst us at least – to the fact that I really am struggling at the moment. The lesser observant amongst us – along with the too busy or too easily fooled among us – get thrown by the mask I feel the need to apply whenever in public or in company.

But masks get sticky and sweaty and uncomfortable and heavy don’t they? And so behind closed doors, in the solitude of our own homes, we tend to take them off, don’t we? And besides, perhaps keeping the mask on – even though seemingly essential at times – is a dangerous thing to do.

See I understand the concepts and thought processes, even the – often erroneously applied – scriptural instructions behind such opinions that I mentioned above. But where the struggle is – even if only in part – as a result of mental health issues or mental illness they belong on the ‘best not expressed pile’.

You see, on Tuesday last I did something different. I let my guard down (removed the mask a little) whilst at the Psychiatrist. Something which – I have to be honest here – I don’t usually do. And the psychiatrist – who was someone I hadn’t seen before, (Here in Ireland you seldom see the same psychiatrist each time) was really caring and really compassionate. And what is more he actually took time to listen and to communicate – which again is in itself a rare thing here – due to the pressure of demand that they are under.

And that simple act of kindness – that caring and compassion – has made the mask feel somewhat uneasy to reapply. So much so that in a totally unrelated conversation with someone from church I even let my mask down and admitted the fact that I was struggling to them. And now – and again let’s be honest here – here I am sat writing a blog post on my personal blog when I haven’t posted on here for some months now.

You see struggling doesn’t have to demonstrate or to be perceived as a sign of weakness. On the contrary, in fact. Sometimes, and I cannot express this too clearly or too firmly here, it is a sign of strength and of perseverance. Especially when it comes to mental illness and mental health related issues.

Yes I am struggling and yes – when the mask comes off and when the doors are closed and when solitude and I keep each other silent company within the echoes of the thoughts and voices – it is sometimes difficult to see any point in going on, or to actually connect with, take ownership of, feel validated in accepting and assigning to yourself, the reasons to go on. But this is nothing new and this has been the case for a good many years now and this is a part of my mental health and this does demonstrate perseverance.

And yet here’s the deal about perseverance. It is an indicator of what you have been through and in many cases still are going through. It is a guarantee that you have made it this far. BUT – and this really is important here – whilst it may be a guarantee that you have made it this far and may well be an encouragement to go on it is by no means a guarantee that you will go on.

I need to act! To take decisive steps to enable that ‘going on’, that continued perseverance. And yes, to be honest, at this point, continuing perseverance is all I can even imagine being able to achieve, and even that seems a somewhat distant hope.

Over the past few weeks my strength, my resolve, has weakened and even at times – especially just recently – taken a battering. And at the same time those harmful, those sabotaging thoughts and voices have increased and intensified. Even my kids, and those closest to me, have asked if there is something wrong or if I am upset with them.

Old harmful temptations echo from the past yearning to get reacquainted. Exit strategies – how’s that for a nice simple oh-so-modern and socially acceptable term or face for something oh so dangerous and sinister – seem even more appealing.

And yet still I know that I am not intended to face this alone or to struggle alone in all this – except that is the other – often unnoticed – side of masks, isn’t it? They not only fool others and prevent others from getting in and hurting you. They also fool yourself into stopping others from getting in and helping you. And they most definitely add to and at times create a false and negative or harmful perception of yourself.

As the title and my earlier comments tell you. I am convinced that “It really is OK to struggle.” but it is most definitely not OK, most definitely not advisable to struggle alone. And trust me, when it comes to mental illness and mental health issues, even your faith and that absolute belief that God will never let you down is somehow clouded from your view.

And yet can I truly allow myself to allow others to draw me out from what can – if I cut all the sugar frosted coating – only be recognised as the oh so old, oh so familiar “me, myself and die” mindset that has somehow secretly become such a part of me?

There are many patterns in my life it seems. Many hidden pictures, subtle indicators.

Hidden pictures, subtle indicators which – when noticed – tell us that things are not quite what they may at first appear.

Hm. I wonder if you have the same? Perhaps you do and are aware of them. Or perhaps you do and are not quite aware of them?

One such pattern, with hidden pictures and subtle indicators is that sometimes – actually often – I experience episodes where my mental health slowly slips. Doing so in such a way as not to arise any major concern on anyone’s part. Just slowly, gradually, until I reach a point where I mentally withdraw and where my mind slips into ‘auto-pilot’ mode. The mode where I am; simply surviving, simply being, simply (and only basically) functioning. Aimless and purposeless and without direction, lost within the confused fussiness of whatever is happening within.

To all intents and purposes I appear to be fine. And, thanks to the ‘auto-pilot’ mode I have switched into – often unknowingly and yet sometimes (I must admit) deliberately in order to not cause concern to others or in an attempt to seem fine whilst I process what it going on – to the casual onlooker I appear to be just fine. And yet that is far from the truth.

It is a ‘pattern’ because of it’s reoccurring frequency in my life. And last night – well actually about four this morning – I realised that I am yet again just coming out of such an episode. And so the ‘catch-up’ and ‘repair’ process begins.

And to be absolutely honest I have no idea what caused this latest episode – nor do I know how long it has lasted.

But I do know is that is was in some way linked to my physical health and that due in part to both I had withdrawn – both mentally and physically.

And I do know – as along with this early morning’s realisation that I had once again withdrawn and slipped into ‘auto-pilot’ mode – came the realisation that I had also – once again – not been alone during all this time.

Now for all my Christian brothers and sisters who might be reading this post and who might therefore be thinking that this is the point where I introduce my faith and the fact that Christ and the indwelling Holy Spirit were with me. Yes of course this is true. My faith was always there and I have no doubt that Christ and the indwelling Holy Spirit was also right there with me.

But that is the thing about mental illness and with having difficulties with your mental health. Those facts often get somehow distorted, somehow faded, dimmed, perhaps the best description is that the become gradually eclipsed (not like where one celestial body does to another but as with clouds blocking out the sun) until they become concealed, taken and robbed from you.

Your connection with them – just like your connection with true awareness – becomes somehow stretched – concealed and even consumed. As if within your mind, within your cognitive awareness of it all – foggy night has fallen.

And within that ‘night-state’, within the grey fogginess of it all the ‘old man’ comes a calling. The ‘old man’ – those suicidal thoughts which ever linger – who has been ‘waiting for the night to fall’, finds stronger, clearer, more convincing a voice. And more receptive a target.

For in this your ‘night-state’ he has your attention, he has connection in your solitude – even your sometimes self-imposed solitude or sometime self-inflicted confusion.

Let’s make no mistake here. And let’s not try to dismiss or diminish the importance of this with twee comments or seemingly Christ-centred and yet actually all too often compassion-less and thus Christ-less platitudes or clichés. It is a terrible, potentially tragic state of mind to be in, to fall or slip into. And let’s be very real in acknowledging that actually it is one where escape is often far less possible than rescue.

Isolation and solitude can be potential killers. I am convinced of this. It something – a truth – of which I have long since been aware of. And yet a truth which I often lose sight of and often slip away from. And just like the truth that Christ and the indwelling Holy Spirit are always – subject to the unthinkable of course – there for the believer, it is a truth which needs feeding, which needs recognising and holding onto.

Actually it is a truth – these are truths – which I have thankfully, I think, been becoming more and more aware of as I started to come out of this latest episode. And so the task now becomes (once again) repairing any damage that may have been done during this last episode and catching up with things in order to get to a state where we can once more progress. Where once again the light – the strength that comes from that light – becomes the focus and the direction provider.

In truth I don’t know how long it will be before the pattern repeats itself. How long, if at all – and I am, as always, praying that the pattern ends here – before the next slip. And I remain ever hopeful (well outside of these episodes where hope, along with that awareness of the light, seems to fade) that this pattern will one day end.

But I am painfully aware that I am not the only one who experiences such episodes, who experiences such hopelessness. That I am not the only one for whom ‘the ‘old man’ comes a calling.’ So to all those out there for whom ‘the old man comes a calling’ I want to share that there really is hope. A hope which is worth fighting for and which is – despite the night – real and true and also available to you.

And for those who have never experienced something like what I have – albeit inadequately – tried to explain here, I want to invite you to put aside your preconceived ideas or opinions and to – just for a few minutes – try to imagine what it must be like.

And for both – those who have experienced something along the lines of what I have described above and those who haven’t – I would like you to invite you to view and listen to the following video by Casting Crowns and to – whilst you do so – focus and reflect on the lyrics and message of this song.

I am grateful for the ‘dawn’ that came in the small hours of this morning. And I pray that others may find a ‘dawn’. For some, like myself, some of the lyrics of this song may be hard to take and yet truth can sometime be like that can’t it? But whichever way it speaks to you. I truly hope it blesses you.

For me personally – this side of the dawn – I cannot in, all honesty, say that the old man is dead, but I can say that I am not willing to feats at his table or listen to his lies. And I can at least say that I once again have seem to have the strength and the clarity of thought to let the light grow once more.

Yesterday would have been, had he still been alive, Robin William’s 64th birthday. But of course tragically he isn’t still alive, as on August 11th last year he took his own life. An act which shocked millions of people and which begged many a question concerning depression and suicide. As well as how someone so famous, someone so well known; for his sense of humour, for his comedy, for spreading such happiness, could get to a place where he would take such a step.

Questions which in many ways, or so it seems to this writer, were like the rolling credits at the end of one of his numerous movies. Noticed but hardly considered by many and soon forgotten by many many more. But questions – none the less – which so very much still require asking and which each one of us would do well to consider.

Robin was, as I said, such a gifted entertainer, such a gifted actor, such a gifted comedian. In many ways he was such a loveable clown.

And that, it has to be said was one of the problems. For that is the way we all saw him, was it not? That is the expectation we had of him and the expectation we placed on him. That is what we expected to see and thus, perhaps, all that we looked for.

And whilst I recognise that Robin was to so many of us ‘a celebrity’ and thus a detached and almost untouchable figure. I find myself asking the questions, “But what about those who aren’t so detached, or so untouchable to us?” “What about our friends, our family, our neighbours?” “What about our work colleagues, school or college mates?” “What about that guy or that woman at our church?” Are we not perhaps also guilty of placing expectations on them? Are we not perhaps also guilty of seeing them in certain ways and only seeing or looking for what we expect to see?

You see in many ways I can relate to Robin Williams. In many ways and to a lot of folk perhaps and to some extent, I am that clown. I am that entertainer.

In many ways I am that joker. And yet, just like Robin, I also struggle with depression and yes at times, and I am not afraid to admit it, with suicidal thoughts.

And in truth, I am that friend, that family member, that neighbour, that guy at church, who many folk see a certain way and yet never venture to ask or look beyond what they first see or what I first present.

And thus they never get to know about – or have an impact on – that depression, or on those suicidal thoughts which often plague me.

That is not to say that ‘one or two’ don’t know about my depression or my suicidal thoughts. But what about all the others? Is there a reason (or reasons why they remain oblivious to these struggles?

For some, I think, it is a case of being too busy to have time to ask, or to look beyond what they first see.

For others, it is perhaps a fear of rejection or of being shot down in flames and having their caring – their compassion, thrown back in their face.

For some it is simply not knowing how to approach the subject. And yet for others, perhaps it is a fear that actually if they do dare to ask – if they do dare to venture beyond what they first see with someone – that person might do the same in return and then they would have to be honest and face the truth in themselves?

But what ever the reason for never venturing beyond what we first see, something just has to change if we are to truly tackle and combat such issues as depression and suicidal thoughts. In truth we cannot simply sit back and leave it to others or rely on that person’s faith or their strength of character or their will power. And we cannot be lulled into – or allow ourself to remain blinded to, or indeed simply be persuaded by – the masks that others put on in order to ‘survive’, or ‘exist’ or to please others.

“If you could do anything with your life, what would you do?” Was his opening question.

“End it.” Was my instant, simple but very sincere and heartfelt response.

On reflection – since we were sat in church and he had just earlier delivered a very inspiring personal testimony of how Christ can move in your life, if you allow Him to – I doubt very much that this was the response he was expecting to receive.

And to be totally honest I am absolutely convinced that it was not the response I expected myself to give. But give it I had. And the fact that I did – since I am being so open and honest – scares me somewhat.

The fact that I suffer from suicidal ideation is no secret to those who know me well. But the fact that this had progressed – hm. should that more accurately be ‘regressed’? – to a level where I had virtually accepted that this outcome was inevitable, if not imminent, is known to very few people indeed, perhaps only one or two people. And I am not sure even they truly know or understood the significance of it all.

It was Sunday morning and I had gone to church. The fact is that I have been fighting with myself about pulling away from church (and church activities) for some time now. Sometimes attending and sometimes not attending, depending on which pert of my thinking was winning at that particular moment.

John Edwards (The ‘he’ in the opening snippet of conversation above) had been in town that weekend and was the guest speaker at our church that morning. He had shared his testimony and then had prayed with folk afterwards. And despite my being in the process of pulling away, I had agreed to go along that particular morning because I have some responsibilities in respect of editing and publishing the sermons each week and because – again if I am honest – I have recently been trying to make sure that, as and when I do pull away from the church, what little I do do can easily be taken over by someone else.

The praise and worship that morning (this past Sunday) was wonderful and there were actual moments within it when I was able to lose myself in worship and where what goes on inside my head lost all significance or even presence.

Likewise, John’s testimony (which – if you are interested you can listen to here) was certainly inspiring and I listened to it intently. Afterwards many people went up for personal prayer although I personally, despite numerous encouragements from folk, avoided doing so. What was the point when in your own mind it was just all part of putting off the inevitable?

My buddy (also called John) – who had driven me to church that morning and who was driving me home again afterwards – had also suggested that we both go up for prayer. But I convinced him that he should and that I was quite happy waiting until he had done so. Actually, as it happens, he was the last to go up and so after they had finished praying John Edwards came over and said hello to me and that is when the conversation – the opening snippet of which I stated this post with – took place.

The truth is that John Edwards is a lovely guy and very caring. And the fact is that he made a lot of sense in what he and I talked about in our very brief conversation. But I was not in the right mindset to offer any positive responses to what he was saying and so the conversation didn’t last very long at all. And for that I am truly sorry. I am sure he needed my negativity that late morning/early afternoon about as much as he needed to hear my fatalistic response to his opening question to me. And that is what both scares me and has got me to thinking really.

Have I become so defeated, so jaded, that I have simply accepted my perceived fate and in turn simply refuse to accept that there is any hope?

See there within lies the problem which I think a lot of us face.

Maybe not to the same extent or in the same context as this. But certainly one which I think a lot of folk will be able to relate to.

When you are arguing with yourself – with your own thoughts.

For a Christian, doing God’s will is (or at least should be) paramount in your life – even and especially in the face of your own personal struggles. And we are called to go through those personal struggles and to ‘press on towards the goal’. But sometimes, those personal struggles can become so all consuming -0 especially when you can’t seem to control the thoughts in your head.

Sometimes, it seems that ‘taking captive every thought’ is the battle – or at least the only part of the battle you can bring yourself to deal with. As I told Kelvin – a really nice guy who was accompanying John Edwards on his visit – when he and I were chatting whilst others were going up for prayer and when he told me that ‘taking captive every thought’ is part of the battle.

And that really con be so very true. It is, I added, like playing chess with yourself. You can be pretty sure that you will both win and lose in that situation. And I am so incredibly tired and arguing with my own thoughts that winning doesn’t even seem worth it any more. And that is what is so scary.

The truth is that I love God and Christ and I love my church and my family. And I also openly and fully recognise that so many folk suffer far more than I do. But when your thoughts consume you and when you can’t seem to even control them – let alone ‘take them captive’ – you do lose all sight of any hope. At least any hope for the here and now.

And along with that comes so many thoughts and thought processes. So much so that you can (I am convinced) fail to even recognise those thoughts and those thought processes which are harmful and even fatally flawed.

That conversation (the opening lines of which I shared above) happened this Sunday. And the fact that I so quickly, so instantly, responded the way I did. And to someone who was effectively a complete stranger, worries me. Especially given the setting it took place in. And I have not been able to get it out of my head since,

I have, as I said before, over the past few weeks been trying to pull away from everything and almost every one. Participating in things only out of a sense of duty, or in order to facilitate putting my affairs in order, or in order to not cause concern to folk or to raise any alarm bells.

I think closing my sites/blogs, and trying to put my affairs in order have all been a part of that self-same fatalistic mindset. But where do you go? What do you do? When you can no longer trust even your own thoughts? When you have tried get help and can’t seem to even adequately explain how desperate you feel or the confusion in your own mind? And when you are frightened of contributing to anything or even trying to explain where you are at, for fear of hurting or negatively impacting others badly?

I find myself so very conflicted. On the one hand I am actively doing things which all work towards a better future for myself health wise. And yet on the other hand I am doing things which – whilst designed to protect others and to reduce the potential harm and impact to others – are probably not healthy for me mentally.

The Christian message, the gospel of peace is, I am convinced – and yes I am still convinced even in all this – one of hope. A hope, in Christ, that we can hold onto in the face of the fiercest and darkest of storms. But that does not mean (and trust me here) that those storms will not come or are not possible. Because they are.

Since closing this blog (and others) I have found no peace over doing so. And I have to recognise that perhaps doing so was part of that fatalistic mindset I seem to have spiralled into. And it is interesting to me that – since closing this blog – the past two guest posts over at the Mental Health Writer’s Guild – which I am involved in – have been about or included suicide or suicidal thoughts within their subject matter.

Am I any the less lost, confused or conflicted today than I was when I decided to close this blog? Does my having decided to reopen this blog and to share this post mean that there is some progress being made here? The truth is that I have no idea. Perhaps it is all part of the self-same conflicted sense of being lost and confused?

But I do know that I have not been at peace about having closed it and I do know that that conversation I had on Sunday – or more accurately the fact that I even had it, where I had it and with whom I had it – does concern me.

… when and how do you healthily respond to them?

Is one of the questions which keeps going around my head at the moment.

To be totally honest it is a question which arose from my state of mind at the moment and one which – seeing as my mind is obsessing over things at the moment – something that I just don’t seem able to let go of.

Additionally, since I am being out there and open with it all, I am OK letting my mind obsess about this question at the moment. Because it is a heck of a lot healthier than actually obsessing on the harmful destructive thoughts going on inside my head right now.

And speaking of being out there and open, I apologise to anyone who knows me and who may be concerned as a result of this post. That really isn’t the object or purpose of this post at all. And I really do want to be clear that whilst I am in a very fragile state I am not contemplating suicide at this moment.

But I have to do something to defocus my mind from those other thoughts right now and besides, this really is an important question.

See here’s the deal. Something happened on Friday which completely distressed and disturbed me. And which my mind just won’t let go of. It keeps replaying it over and over and it just won’t let go of it.

No one is to blame for this, but me. And no one set out to intentionally hurt or distress me. And in truth there is no way they could have known the landslide of destructive thought processes which they inadvertently started or triggered.

But the landslide started and they – the destructive thought processes – simply won’t stop. But when does a destructive thought – even and especially repetitive and obsessive destructive thoughts constitute actual suicidal thoughts? And more importantly when and how do you healthily respond to them?

Its a very difficult question isn’t it?

In the rational I can see them for what they are. I understand what caused them and I even understand and can recognised the flawed and twisted logic and arguments that they put forth to accompany and support their suggestions.

Likewise, in the rational I know that they also come in waves of intensity and that said waves increase as it get later and later in the day and peak when the night falls.

I know and recognise the pattern here.

The way it all works within this ideation within my mind.

I know only too well the observations and arguments my mind throws up to bring me closer to the edge and I know the counter observations and counter arguments that I will state in order to slow that process down.

I know the facts and myths and the statistics concerning this.

How suicidal thoughts, also known as suicidal ideation are thoughts about how to kill oneself, which can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration which does not include the final act of killing oneself.

I also know that the majority of people who experience suicidal ideation do not actually go as far as attempting it (let alone succeeding). And that according to studies only just over a fifth of people who died by suicide had actually discussed their thoughts or intentions prior to the act.

And I know that my own thoughts are not of how to commit suicide. In truth I worked that out a long long time ago. (And I think a great many of us have made similar considerations or had similar discussions without any intention of actually doing so.).

No for me it is not a case of actually doing it, it is a case of trying to stop it from happening.

It is so hard to describe. It is like my mind – the obsessive, destructive thoughts process – is trying to push me towards the edge and all I can do is fight with it.

And the longer the fight goes on the weaker and more tired I become. (Minds with obsessive thoughts don’t shut down long enough to allow sleep, let alone sleep of any quality.) And the closer to the edge I know I am getting.

Now I need to make this clear again, since I blog openly and not anonymously. Yes I am experiencing very harmful and destructive thoughts which are also obsessive and relentless. And I have been now for three days ever since what happened on Friday. But I am still able to fight them to varying degrees of effect despite becoming more and more tired and less and less able to function properly.

And the purpose of this post is not to concern anyone. It is instead to invite comments and opinions from other bloggers and readers about such obsessive harmful and destructive thoughts. When do such thoughts constitute suicidal thoughts? When should we really be worried about such thoughts? How do we respond (healthily) to them?

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and as a result of this, and the fact that as a result of my mental illness(es) I frequently experience suicidal thoughts, I felt I simply had to write a post relevant to the subject of suicide.

But whenever I consider writing a post like this, the very first thing that comes to my mind is – “Well Kev, You know this is going to raise some ‘concerned’ eyebrows. You know is will worry those who love you and give ammunition to those who judge you? And that either way it will generate some texts and comments don’t you?”

And in truth I do know that. But the fact is that posts like this are so very important. And whilst I don’t want to cause anyone any undue concern, if folk like me, who experience suicidal thoughts and have survived through them, don’t speak out, nothing will change.

So regardless of the potential fall-out I feel I have to write about this subject today and I do so openly and freely and in the hope that buy doing so it might bring a better understanding to some, and hope to others.

Dear…,

How are you? Ok. well let’s be honest here. We both know you can’t really answer that. I mean this is a letter not a fluent two way conversation. But I usually start my letters off asking that question. It seems polite, almost expected. And actually it is an expression often used at the opening of a great many conversations, isn’t it?

And yet I wonder how many times it is truly sincerely asked? I mean hasn’t asking it really just become social etiquette? And when folk answer, when I answer. Do they, do we, do I always truly answer honestly? Or do we give the answer that we think the other person wants to here? Or some falsehood, designed to placate or close down or avoid that line of inquiry?

“I’m fine.” or even “I’m fine. Honest I am.” Whilst sometimes spoken in truth, are also – in my opinion – phrases so often spoken falsely, are they not? And I wonder how often you have used one, or both of them, when you haven’t really meant them?

But are they words of secrecy and defiance? Which say, “I don’t want you to know the truth”? Or are they words of solitude which really mean, “I am convinced that you don’t really want to know the truth”? Or of desperation which say, “You can’t enter into the world in which I live”?

Because I have to tell you that sometimes, when I have spoken them in the past, I have – more often or not – spoken them as a result of that perceived isolation, or that desperation.

And, if I am totally honest, I have often spoken them as a result of being convinced that even if I do even attempt to tell you the truth, it will simply makes things worse and you will simply end up judging me.

And as cynical and unfair as you may feel that this is, the truth is that this is exactly how I (and I would suggest many others) feel when in that situation.

And whether my feeling that way is as a result of the hopelessness, the desperation, or the deep depression that I am experiencing. Or as a result of your previous actions (or even, let’s be honest here, the actions of others before you). The fact is that those thoughts, those feelings – that conviction – is so very real to me and stands between you and I.

Those thoughts, those feelings, that deep rooted conviction which constructs the barrier between us locking me in and you out. Locking you out of a world, and me in a world, which you probably don’t understand, probably don’t want to understand, and definitely don’t ever want to visit.

A world which you so deeply desire for me to come out of and yet can’t understand that I just don’t know how to. So you throw me lifelines, homing beacons. Signals designed and intended to illuminate my path back to your world.

Lifelines and Beacons like…

“But think about your family?”. “This is only temporary.” Or “I promise it will pass and we will get through this.”. “You have so much to live for.” “You know you don’t really want to do this.”. “You know are stronger than this.”

Beacons and lifelines which are well intentioned and maybe even sincerely meant. And which leave your world with care and compassion and even love, but which enter my world and become twisted and corrupted.

“But what about your family?” becomes, “You are going to hurt your family yet again.” And out of the desperation my mind screams, “See even they think you are a nuisance or a burden to your family. Yes your ending it all will hurt them, but isn’t that better than going on and continually hurting them or being a burden to them?”

And “This is only temporary” becomes, “Yeah repetitively temporary. Over over again these thoughts, this depression, this hopeless desperation taunts me.” And again my mind screams, “Do you really want to carry on facing all that?”

And what of your “I promise this will pass and we will get through this.” becomes, “What ‘we’? There is no ‘we’! You aren’t going through this, can’t go through this. And I have no right to put your through this.” And my mind echoes its taunts, “And even if YOU do get through this, where will they be the next time and the next time and the time after that? Aren’t you just putting off the inevitable? Aren’t you just prolonging the agony?”

And as for your, “You have so much to live for.” and your “You know you don’t really want to do this.” and your “You know are stronger than this.” statements.

Statements designed to connect us and to offer me a way out of my world. They are just met with (and remind me of) the desperation and hopelessness that I am experiencing.

And so the echoed responses become, “No I don’t have so much to live for, not if this – what I am experiencing now and experience so often – is all I can hope for.” and “No I don’t really want to do this, but it’s better than living what I am living.” and “No I am not stronger than this! Can’t you see that I am not stronger than this? Can’t you see how totally weak I am right now?”

Can you see how that world, that desperation, that consuming hopelessness, twists and corrupts things? Even the most simplistic sentiments of compassion and caring?

You see, right now, at the time when I am writing this, I am still resident in your world. And that world of hopelessness – when that deep dark blanket of despair falls and totally consumes me – currently seems so far away from me.

And in this world – the world we share – the world where my mental illness(es) are manageable and being managed. I recognize your beacons of hope, your lifelines for what they are and how they are intended. And yes I can cling to them, follow them, even agree with them. But in that world – the world which sometimes consumes me – they are ineffective and even often turned into judgments and condemnations.

See I know that world. Experienced that world. I have been enveloped, even almost consumed by that world. And yet I have survived that world. For whatever reason, by whatever grace, I have survived that world. And I hope and pray that I will, if and when it returns, survive it again.

Because I know that this world – the world we both share, and not that other world, is where I am meant to be. But in truth, I know that if and when the other world returns you can help me make it through.

Not by judging, not by condemning, not by throwing me cliches, or even those lifelines and beacons that are well intentioned but all too often made ineffective even harmful.

But by simply being you. By simply caring. By caring enough to simply stay with me. Pray for me. To watch over me. To protect me. Yes to protect me, even from myself and the me in that world. Heck, even just hold me. Show me I am safe, Show me that you care, show me that I am not as alone as the thoughts or that world would have me believe I am.

You see, I am not asking you to understand that world which sometimes seeks to consume me. I am not even asking you to understand where it comes from or why it comes. All I am asking is that you understand that it is there and that it does come.

And to understand one simple and yet potentially life-saving fact…

When I am deep in that world, when that world ensnares me and envelopes me and seeks to consume me. You cannot hope to enter it or to understand it and you cannot expect for me to explain it or even at times to leave it. All you can do is love the me you know and to hold me in your world until that world leaves once more.

And when it does then perhaps together, having seen and felt your love for me – even the love for the me in that world – we can try to stop that world from returning.

With much love and openness,

I wanted a picture which would compliment what I wanted to say today and so I search images and found this one over at “Deviant Art” designed by someone called ‘shutdown‘. And it really spoke to me and all credit goes to them for the picture. (No copyright infringement intended)

Day 4: What are the pros and cons of having a mental illness(es) or your specific illness(es)?

This is a question (or subject) which I have often reflected on and indeed written on.

And in truth, there will no doubt be some commonalities in the answers given by different people doing this challenge. But because we are all unique and our circumstances unique I don’t doubt that there will no doubt be some answers that I give, which are entirely specific to me.

I think I am going to deal with the ‘cons’ first as I would very much like to end this post on a positive note rather than a negative one.

The ‘Cons’

Ok first the explanatory disclaimer. The truth is that there are a whole myriad of cons which can be associated to having mental illness or experiencing poor mental health. But in the interest of not boring you to tears or being seen as a ‘winging winnie’ I will list just some of the main ones.

Likewise, there are of course, as I indicated above, the common cons which will appear below but also perhaps some very personal ones…

The Stigma which is often so very wrongly attached to poor mental health/mental illness and indeed the resultant fall out from it.

Thankfully we (humankind) do appear to be making great strides in addressing this as our understanding of mental health and mental illness improves, but even so it really is still a huge problem. Some people simply don’t understand and, as a result of this, feel somewhat unsure – even threatened – by mental illness and poor mental health.

One such example of this is sadly present within the modern-day church. Many Christians struggle with the very concept of a Christian having poor mental health or having a mental illness. And trust me ( I know from first hand experience) where that mental illness causes depression or even suicidal thoughts this can send Christians into all sorts of conflicts and resultant arguments, assumptions, misconceptions, and responses.

Secondly, there are the Broken or Strained Relationships which sadly also seem to go hand in hand with mental illness and poor mental health. I have little to no doubt that my mental illnesses have – either through my own actions and lack of understanding, or through the actions and lack of understanding of others – damaged and even wrecked relationships which would have survived or even flourished if no mental illness was present.

And then there are, certainly for me personally, the Distorted Perceptions. These are times when I simply seem to see things in a totally different way to others. Where my understanding of what is happening or what took place is so very different from the other person’s understanding. Of course this can happen even where no mental illness is present but it does seem that where mental illness is present – or at very least where my mental illnesses are present – the frequency or chances of this happening are increased.

Those of you who are bothering to read all this and who are observant will probably notice that this is also linked to one of the ‘Pros’ I will list later. But in the negative it can also bring about…

‘Confusion and Self-Doubt‘ are things which often reign as a result of my mental illness and the ‘distorted memories’ which I mentioned above. So many times my mental illnesses can bring with them altered states of reality and consequently you end up often doubting yourself, your memory or your understanding.

And the last two/three examples lead me very neatly to what I like to call the ‘Cop-out Clause Effect‘. This is the label I give to those situations and circumstances where the other person has failed to see or understand your opinion or point of view in a situation. And where, instead of trying to understand or even consider that they could be wrong or might have behaved badly, they simply put the whole thing down to your mental illness. Man that can be so very annoying when it happens.

And conversely there is the ‘Get out of Jail free card‘ which is often played on your behalf when you have mental illness. I fully understand and accept, (indeed I know first hand) that sometimes my mental illnesses cause me to behave or react badly to things. And certainly I accept that, when this happens, any response to said reaction or behavior should take my mental health into consideration. BUT I am also fully aware that sometimes my behavior or reactions are not in the least bit due to my mental illness or poor mental health I am just simply behaving badly. And thus any reaction to this should not offer me a ‘get out of jail free card’ but instead hold me as accountable as anyone else.

Now I understand that this can be a veritable mine-field for folk, but I am a big boy now and I am essentially honest to a fault and I am convinced that calm, reasonable, adult conversation concerning what happened will soon afford the truth behind what took place.

And the penultimate ‘con’ in my list of cons about having mental illness is the ‘often hidden‘ and ‘fluctuating states of play‘ which can (and certainly are in my case) experienced.

Mental illness is not like having a broken leg where everyone can see you are wearing a splint of cast around your leg and so don’t therefore ask you to play football, run races or climb ladders.

It (in my case and experience) often fluctuates in the way and severity in which both presents itself and indeed in how it affects me. And in truth it can also often remain hidden.

This can often mean that folk fail to understand what your mental state is at any given time and thus fail to understand your capabilities or reactions. It can also mean that – as in my case where I am classed as being ‘extremely high functioning’ – when your mental illness does cause an odd or unusual reaction or behavior in you, the resultant damage can be greater than it would have been if your mental illness was recognized or understood in that situation.

And there is another aspect of this which is extremely important. (although I am really not sure I am explaining any of this very well at all). Because of the ‘often hidden’ and ‘fluctuating state of play’ of my mental health and because I am considered and (I accept) present as ‘extremely high functioning’ folk simply assume that I am able to cope with most things most of the time until my mental health goes wonky. This is simply not the case! There are aspects and areas where I am simply not able to cope and thus am a complete wreck in those areas.

Which brings me to the last ‘con’ which I will share in my soul-bearing list of cons attached to my mental illnesses. And that is the state of playing ‘catch up and repair’ which can often result from mental illness or poor mental health.

Whilst I have freely admitted that there are certain aspects and areas where, as a result of my mental illnesses, I am a wreck, generally speaking I am extremely high functioning and do cope with most things. But when the state of my mental health worsens things do go awry and chaos and confusion seem to reign.

This means that, once my mental health improves again (and yes my mental illnesses presents itself in such a cyclical fashion) I am forced into a state of playing ‘catch up and repair’. Examples of this are such things as…

the tidiness of my home,

eating patterns disordered,

correspondence ignored and not replied to or dealt with,

bills not being paid and the monies set aside for them spent on other often useless and frivolous things,

medication not taken as prescribed,

increased isolation and commitments and appointments not kept.

So there you have just some (ok quite a few) of the myriad of ‘cons’ attached to my mental illnesses. But, as I said before, I don’t want to end on a negative note. And, in truth, I really do try to keep a positive outlook concerning my mental illnesses. So here are just some of the ‘pros’ definitely or potentially attached to my mental health/mental illnesses.

The ‘Pros’

Very top of my list has to be that I truly believe that my mental illnesses afford me ‘a different way of seeing‘. It can be a hard thing to describe but it somehow opens your eyes to considering things in a different and often much deeper way than a lot of people seem to do.

‘an inner strength‘ and ‘perseverance‘. Again a difficult one to describe or truly pin point. As a Cristian a great deal of my inner strength no doubt comes from my faith. But I also recognize that because so many of the most simplest of tasks – which many folk take for granted – often, as a result of my mental health, take far more effort or concentration.

The words of Romans 5:1-4 (NKJV) tells us.. “Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. “

And whilst this is primarily applicable to faith, the statement ‘Knowing that tribulation produces perseverance’, is extremely relevant to what I am talking about here. That is not to say that we ( and more personally I) don’t struggle or don’t grow weary and I for one can truly understand when mental illness brings you to a point of despair and a desire to end it all. But the bright side of it all has to be the strength that is shown even making it as far as we have sometimes.

‘Creativity‘ Here again this might well be linked to one or two of the ones above ‘a different way of seeing’ and ‘an acute sense of humor’ for example. But I do accept that I am or can be extremely creative. Or ‘artsy’ as some folk have labelled me. I write poetry, novels, blogs. I draw, sketch, paint, sculpt. I love acting. All of these things a very possibly related to my mental illness and it is perhaps interesting that Stephen Fry (and others) – in his documentaries “The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive” when answering the question “If there was a big red button which, when pushed, would remove your bipolar disorder – would you push it?” also considered within his answer how many positives he might also lose along with his bipolar.

‘Deep thinking‘ Also linked to one or two of the above, my mind – which after all is the very same mind which has the mental illnesses – seems to allow me to think extremely deeply and indeed to take my thought processes off on a myriad of side journeys and considerations. (Which trust me can sometimes be just as much a curse as a blessing). But this does allow me to unwrap thoughts, questions and topics extremely deeply at times and does open up a whole world of different perspectives and understandings.

‘Being able to relate‘ One of the greatest benefits of suffering from mental illness for me personally has to be that it has brought with it an ability and openness to relate to others with similar challenges or difficulties in their lives.

Mental illness does, as I have said elsewhere, all to often push people away. It can make people unsure of themselves or of how to communicate with or behave around folk who have mental illness.

And this is so very tragic as by shunning or avoiding folk – by effectively writing off – who have mental illness we lose a wealth of experience and creativity and beauty that we would so very much benefit from. If suffering from mental illness myself has brought me just the ability to understand this then truly it is worth it!

‘A reluctance to judge people‘ Oh how very grateful I am for this one! How many times in my life have I felt misjudged or misunderstood? And as a result of this I try so very hard not to do the same thing. I am acutely aware that so very often we do not know (or at times people don’t even bother to consider) the back story behind the way a person acts or reacts.

‘A heightened awareness of injustice.’ Is the last ‘Pro’ that I am going to share in my list of ‘Pros’. And again whilst I think this is also intrinsically linked to my faith I cannot, in all honesty, separate it from being a bi-product of my mental illness.

I have seen (and personally experienced) a great deal of injustice in my time and it never gets easier to stomach and never gets easier to find acceptable. Often times I find myself understanding (to some degree or another) the causes of said injustices but they always still sadden me so very deeply.

Many have been liked to mental illness but in truth not all of them are. And I will stop myself from going off on a rant here. But suffice to say that when you have, as a result of your mental health or your involvement in mental health awareness, witnessed or experienced injustice you do seem to become attuned to it or have your awareness heightened to it.

Conclusion

So there you have my list of just some of the pros and cons attached to having my mental illnesses. As I read back over them there are so many others that I could include and indeed some which can be both a pro and a con depending on the circumstances or approach to them.

I just hope they haven’t bored you (the reader) too much and I am of course willing to discuss them further should anyone wish to comment on them.

I also recognize that not all of them a exclusively specific to mental illness and many of them could be resultant from other factors. This is so often the case with a lot of things, is it not? But for me there is without doubt some correlation between my personal experience of them and my mental illnesses.

The truth is that I am a clown. And any tears that I might shed might remove the face-paint and let you see – at least in part – beyond the happy mask that I wear and which you have become accustomed to. So instead, I just cry my tears within myself.

– Kevin A. Deane, August 12th 2014.

There are times, I will be honest with you, when I sit here in my study and in front of my laptop and I truly struggle with whether to write about that which is on my heart. And this is one such time.

This morning I learned of the sad demise of arguably one of the comedic geniuses of our age – Robin Williams. And whilst it is certainly true that his work and the humor and joy which he imparted over the years will go on for many, many years to come – he himself is no longer with us.

And how did he die? Was it as a result of old age? Was it to Cancer? Leukemia? Or some other form of terminal illness? I needed to know and so I checked the news reports. And the reports I read stated – “suspected suicide”.

How clearly those words leapt out from the screen of my laptop. How deeply the tragic implication of them impacted my heart and my mind.

My heart truly goes out to Robin’s family and friends and indeed to anyone who has been impacted by his death, but my heart also cries out “when will this stop?”

I asked myself the question above “How did he die? Was it as a result of old age? Was it to Cancer? Leukemia? Or some other form of terminal illness?” And in truth, I cannot help but wonder if in some ways – in some circumstances – severe depression doesn’t become a terminal illness in it’s own right?

I have personally experienced mental illness, poor mental health, for as long as I can remember and I have openly written about it for a very long time now. But even as a mental health writer, even as a mental health awareness activist am I not also sometimes guilty of hiding my own mental health issues and the depth of impact that these can and do have on my own life?

And as a society, are we not still all too often – through a lack of compassion, through misunderstanding, through a lack of empathy, through ignorance, ridicule, judgmentalism, inappropriate and unjust humor, and the application of stigma, – guilty of driving those of us who suffer with poor mental health and with mental illness into secrecy and virtual isolation concerning their illnesses and the effects of those illnesses?

Spend an hour or two checking out the many personal blogs out there concerning mental health and mental illness and trust me you will find a wealth of excellent, inspirational, informative and educational information concerning mental health and mental illness. But then try to find out who wrote each of them and you will soon see just how many of them – as a result of real or perceived necessity – are written anonymously.

Why? Well for the very same reasons I mentioned above.

In truth I know very little of Robin Williams’s depression or indeed how it effected him and his life and in truth I know next to nothing of the things leading up to the tragic loss of him. But how well I have known of Robin Williams’s work. Of his humor and his joy. Yes, for years I have known of them.

And, since I am being so open and honest here, how well I have known the cold hard relentless taunting of suicidal thoughts. Yes, for years I have known of them also.

I am thankful, truly thankful, that I have reached a place in my life where I feel I can be so open and ‘out there’ about my mental health. Likewise, I am thankful, so truly thankful, that I have a strong faith and folk in my life who are there for me when my mental health gets really bad. And I am not for one minute suggesting that Robin did not have such a faith or folk in his life.

But I am saying that I do know so very well just how crushingly alone and crushingly hopeless depression can make you feel, regardless of having such support and love in your life and partly as a result (whether direct or indirect – I have no doubt) – of the attitude which still exists towards mental illness and mental health.

In truth I mourn the tragic loss of the man, the comedic genius, the loved one, who was Robin Williams. But in truth I grieve even more that there is still such a stigma attached to mental illness and mental health.

And it is my fervent prayer that this will one day change forever and also that anyone who knows someone who suffers from mental illness and/or poor mental health will look beyond all the face-paint and masks and see the need all too often hidden and will reach out to them. Because so very often – and I speak these words with absolute sincerity and out of personal experience – we don’t know how to take the face-paint and masks off.

So I end this post offering my deepest sympathy to the Williams family and offering you (the reader) almost the very words with which I started it….

The truth is that I am a clown – a clown who suffers from mental illness. And the truth is that any tears that I might shed might remove the face-paint and let you see – at least in part – beyond the happy mask that I wear and which you have become accustomed to – and seem to prefer or at least find more acceptable. So instead, I just cry my tears within myself.

Today’s subject (in this 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge) is a very interesting one for me.

And once again it challenges me to think about the way in which I try to manage (and/or allow others to help me manage) my mental health/illnesses and the type and level of impact that it has on my life.

The question asks me to consider both ‘treatment’ and ‘coping skills’ which are or have been most effective. And if I am truly honest I can offer very little in respect of ‘treatment’.

In my previous posts (within this challenge, and indeed elsewhere) I made mention of the long and drawn out journey that is often experienced before gaining a diagnosis. And it is worth mentioning here perhaps – by way of encouragement to others undergoing this journey – that along side this (and very often coupled to this) there can often be a veritable roller coaster ride of different medications and treatments whilst they find the ones which are most effective.

Treatment

It is also worth mentioning – in the spirit of openness and honesty – that I personally am notoriously bad at taking my medication. And in fact – in terms of treatment (outside of medication) – the only other ‘official’ treatments that I have received in respect of my mental illnesses/health were many years ago and through…

a) the regular visits of a psychiatric social worker – who took me out and helped me to interact socially. and

b) a series of Cognitive Therapy Sessions which helped me to understand and come to terms with my mental illnesses.

That having been said both of these were, in my personal experience, extremely beneficial.

Which brings me to the subject of…

Coping skills.

For me personally, this is the most important part of managing my mental illnesses/health. And over the years I have developed ‘coping’ several skills or techniques designed to (and fairly effective) in helping me manage my mental illnesses. But in order to understand their benefits I guess I also need to give and indication of how my mental health works and also to identify the need or behavior which these coping skills are designed to address.

The way my mental health works (or indeed breaks) – according to your personal perspective.

I have long since recognized that I do not enjoy the same levels of mental health that many folk appear to have. In truth the way my mind works and the impact that it has on my life has for as long as I can remember been different to my peers and other folk. And in this I can’t remember a time when I can truly say I have enjoyed ‘normal’ mental health. (Although I totally struggle with the very concept of ‘normal’ mental health – but that’s a different rant for a different day perhaps.

What I do experience therefore is a baseline of mental health which ‘generally’ appears to be somewhat below that experienced by others and which at times either…

a) crashes into the deepest of depths of desperation and (self-targeted) destructive behavior,

b) enters into a state of chaos and confusion, and/or

c) encourages self-inflicted isolation.

These are – without doubt – the three most noticeable and most frequent results of my mental illnesses and are without doubt a fairly constant feature of my mental health varying only in the sequences in which they appear and indeed the speed and severity of their appearance.

So, in truth, my ‘coping skills‘ are designed to either a) limit the potential of these things happening or b) to limit the level of damage that they (or I as a result of them) can do to my life.

Positivity and Selectivity.

Over the years I have come to realize that negativity can, without doubt, have a very real and indeed a very harmful effect on my mental health. Things which we are subjected to (or subject ourselves to) everyday can (I am convinced) have a very real impact on our thought-processes, moods, outlooks and attitudes.

Whereas some folk seem to have a protective layer over them which means that a lot of stuff simply doesn’t affect them I have come to understand that I am far more absorbent than that. So I actively avoid negativity where possible. I have in fact learned to be selective over what I allow to enter into my life.

This is in respect of many things, and I truly believe that you might be surprised if you sit and objectively consider what kind of affects certain everyday things might be having on your mental health. I am therefore selective when it comes to such things as… The types of music I listen to. The types of television programs that I watch. The level of ‘news’ reports that I look at. The types of books that I read. The types of games that I play. Even the content of social media that I allow myself to witness /see each and everyday. And, I have to be honest here, the types of blogs which I follow and read. (Here’s an interesting exercise for you. Do a positivity/negativity audit on the blogs and social media content you often read. Consider how they could be effecting you.)

But the hardest of all of these, when it comes to selectivity, has to be the impact of those people who are part of our life – especially those closest and nearest and dearest to us. In truth this one is the one I struggle with the most. I am, I believe, very compassionate and caring and I want to be there for folk especially those who are suffering. In fact, a s a Christian, the very faith that I hold so dear, requires me to be there for folk.

But, the plain fact of the matter is that some people can, by their attitudes and comments, be harmful to my mental health and I have had to be cautious, selective and realistic about allowing – or not allowing (as the case may be) harmful relationships to continue in my life and have (where attempts to explain the issues, address and change such relationships have failed) had to cut those relationships out of my life or at best limit my exposure to them. Likewise I try to be very selective about taking ownership of some of the comments which can be thrown our way. Because they can also (as sad as it may seem) be part of the ‘stresses’ or ‘triggers’ which can affect our mental health.

Identifying Stresses and Triggers

Is, for me, another essential coping skill and is very closely related to the above section about Positivity and Selectivity.

There are, for me, certain subjects or topics, and especially (it seems) certain sites, sounds and smells even, which can immediately unsettle my mind and have a very real effect on my mental health.

One such example would be images or graphic details of self-harming. These can immediately trigger very real and very unwanted and potentially destructive responses and thought processes in my mind. But they are not the only things and are just one example of what I am talking about. In fact, there are numerous stresses and triggers out there which can affect me.

So much so in fact that another example would be that I have to be very cautious about the kind of films that I watch. And in fact I have even learned that, when I fall asleep watching the television, the content of television programs that I am listening to, if negative or violent, whilst asleep or dozing off can seem to cause me to have nightmares. As a result of this I generally only watch the comedy channel just before bed as I have come to learn that this is generally safe.

Order and Organization.

Would, without doubt, be one of the biggest coping skills that I have developed over the years.

One of the biggest impacts that my mental illnesses have on my life is the chaos and confusion that can often result from my mental health crashing. Chaos and confusion which, it has to be said, often leads to weeks and even months of having to repair what has been done (or indeed has not been done but should have been done) during the period of the crash. And by this I mean things such as – medication not being taken, bills and payments not being paid, relationships not being nurtured.

But it also goes so much beyond that. I have also noticed that the less ordered and organized my life and my immediate environments (home, work area etc) are the more easily my mental health can crash and the harder it can be to repair things and get back to a level of ‘normality’ (there’s that word again) when I eventually come out of the crash.

Now don’t get me wrong here. I am not analy retentive when it comes to order and organization – although I do also have OCD which means I can be somewhat particular about certain things. But I do find that a neat and tidy house and work space does improve my mental health or at least reduce the effect other factors have on it.

Realistic and Objective Self-Assessment.

This, for me personally, has to be one of the biggest coping skills and indeed one of the biggest needs.

There is a conflict, which can exist, when we experience poor mental health. The conflict between the need to cope, the desire to be independent and respected, and the desire to be reliable with the realization that sometimes we just can’t cope, just have to depend on others and sometimes are just not able to be reliable.

In the experience of my own mental illnesses/health, there is no one regular pattern when it comes to how it is experienced or presents itself. And in truth, whilst I am fortunate enough to be able to cope and have a fairly ‘normal’ existence on some level or another most of the time, the ‘crashes’ can either be sudden or gradual.

So being self-aware (when possible) of my own mental health and being extremely realistic and objective concerning it can be essential to preventing a decline in it, a further crash or indeed to limiting the potential damage it can do.

And this brings me to the last coping skill I shall share in what has already become a fairly long post…

Openness, Honesty and Trust.

Directly linked to the skill mentioned above ‘Realistic and Objective Self-Assessment‘ the ability to be open, and honest about the state of my mental health has been essential to my ability to manage my mental health.

On one level even the ability to blog about my mental health has and is extremely beneficial to my mental health. The thought that I might be helping others gives suffering my mental health issues some form of positivity, some resultant goodness perhaps. But more than that it also allows me to get to the ‘outside’ that which is or was previously trapped ‘inside’. This in itself opens conversation and dialogue – which is in my experience in the main healthy and which can assist us in seeing our mental illnesses or the experiences resulting from them in different ways and from differing perspectives.

But on a much closer, deeper and more intimate level having people in your life who are willing to at least try to understand (that which very often we ourselves don’t fully understand) and with whom we can be open and honest can, in my opinion, be essential to coping (and even at times surviving) our mental illnesses.

And by this I mean open and honest not only in what we share with them but also in what they share with us. One of the saddest and most detrimental (excuse the pun) effects of mental illness is the isolation that it can often create – either as a result of self-doubt, resultant lack of self-worth, the stigma that is all too often and all too wrongly attached, or because of the confusion and havoc it can sometimes bring.

Having folk in our life who are aware of, and whom we can share with is, essential and just as importantly folk who will not only try to understand but who will; support us, lovingly challenge us, inspire us, encourage us and also who will hold us accountable for our own actions and our own management of our mental illnesses and resultant behaviors is, in my experience and opinion absolutely essential.

I am convince that this objectivity which I mentioned above and which is directly in play here. And on that note I end with this one thought…

In my experience and opinion, one of the most effective skills we can have when it comes to coping, is being able to a) recognize and admit to those times and those areas in which we are not able to cope and b) reach out to folk who will; safely, compassionately and realistically help us get to or get back to a place where we can.

Well it is day two of my 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge and since I only posted Day One’s posting very lat last night/very early this morning I feel like this is the second posting that I have written today.

But the truth is that I am very keen to try to do one of these every day for the next 30 days and so today’s posting is in line with that objective.

Today’s subject or question is “How do you feel about your diagnosis?” and it is a very important question isn’t it?

If I am honest (and certainly one of my objectives in this blog is always to be open and honest) I have mixed feelings concerning the diagnoses that I have received.

In my previous post I touched upon the difficulties experienced in even gaining a diagnosis and this – to some degree or another – has no doubt impacted my feelings concerning the diagnoses that I have received in respect of my mental health.

Having waited so long for a diagnosis (or set of diagnoses) which seem to ‘fit’ – or at least be readily acceptable to the most recent mental health practitioner in a long line of ever changing mental health practitioners that I have seen over the years – it (or they) are something which at least provide some form of identification, some form of label. And for that I am grateful as it also means that I could personally research my mental conditions and disorders and gain from other people’s knowledge and experiences. (After all isn’t that one of the fundamental reasons why I blog about my mental health? In the hope that others may benefit from my knowledge and experiences.)

And yet that can appear a little strange can’t it? (As my mind seems to wander off down one of it’s many and all too frequent side journeys) I mean, how many of us dislike having labels or being identified purely by a label? I know that I do and/or have in the past!

There can be a conflict there can’t there? A conflict between a ‘need to know’ and a desire to ‘not be known by’ or ‘limited by’ such a label or labels.

I am 52 years old now and the fact is that I truly believe (whilst I admit that cannot remember much of my early childhood) that I have experienced poor mental health or mental illness (depending on your preference of approach) for most if not all of my life.

Certainly, just like in my adulthood, I experienced in my childhood and youth thoughts and voices which seem to encourage me to think (and often to act) in ways which seemed so very different to my peers. As an adult (and having a lifetime of experience and at least some understanding behind me) I have developed coping skills and management techniques to deal with said thoughts and voices and also have a very good support network to help me deal with my mental health issues. But sadly none of these were available in my childhood or youth.

Why? Well my being 52 years old is perhaps the biggest clue to the answer to that question. I grew up in a time when mental illness was seen so very differently to how it is seen today. (Although even today it seems we have a long way to go before we globally adopt a healthy approach and understanding of it)#

Children with mental health issues were (it is, I believe, true to say) seen as some sort of blot on the character of the parents. They were seen as being damaged, defective, and the level of stigma which was attached to mental illness was incredible.

Additionally mental illness and poor mental health was not as understood as it is today. For example, I am fairly confident making the statement that such things as ADD or ADHD were extremely rare and even unheard of back when I was born. In fact I think that it didn’t even become a recognized condition in America until the late 60’s.

Because of this I learned to hide or mask my conditions as best I could and additionally the resultant attitudes and behaviors from my mental health were sadly often seen (and trust me very much dealt with) as simple rebelliousness or bad behavior.

I do sometimes reflect on past relationships with family or friends or the authority figures one experiences through my life and wonder how differently things might have turned out had I not hidden or masked my mental illness or had others known and understood them better? In fact only yesterday one of the pastors of the church I attend, in delivering the teaching, made the following statement…

Many people arrive in the kingdom of God, who have experienced; great hurt, damage, rejection, trauma and some even devastation in their lives. Such experiences can have a negative outcome on a person’s life, leaving them impaired and hindered and stopping them from reaching their full potential.

And this statement (and indeed the whole teaching – an audio recording of which, if you are interested, can be found here,) led me to a lot of personal reflection. But it is that conflict, which I mentioned above – “A conflict between a ‘need to know’ and a desire to ‘not be known by’ or ‘limited by’ such a label or labels.” which explain and make understandable my having masked and hidden my mental illness or poor mental health for so long and which still bring me to my mixed feelings concerning my diagnoses.

Yes, I have mental illnesses and yes these often impact of influence or even at times control the way I think or act at times but I am so much more than just my mental illnesses or poor mental health and I truly believe to allow others to see me, or even to see myself, only by those diagnoses or those labels would be so incredibly wrong and so incredibly damaging.

And this leads me to want to share the following videos from Youtube which speaks into this very issue…

Now let me be very clear here. I personally would not go as far as the above video seems to want to go. I personally believe that diagnosing mental health disorders in a person – young or old – can often be essential to providing them with the right medication, treatment, and support. Providing that this process is not allowed to become limiting or debilitating or harmful to that person and providing said diagnosis or diagnoses are not allowed to become restrictive labels!

And on that note let me share the other video from Youtube which I wanted to share and felt very relevant to this subject…

And I close (apologies for the length of this post – but I am extremely passionate about this subject) on this final thought. I experience poor mental health and have mental illnesses. They are, I fully accept, a significant part of who I am. But I am so much more than them! Likewise I am a Christian and that is very much a significant part of who I am.

Some people, it seems, are threatened or uncomfortable as a result of my admitting to my mental illnesses. But then it could also be said that some people, it seems, are threatened or uncomfortable by my admitting to being a Christian. And actually, some Christians are, it seems, threatened or uncomfortable with the idea that a Christian can even experience poor mental health or have mental illnesses.

But for me to deny either one would be a lie.

In truth I am truly sorry if my faith or my mental illnesses, and for that matter especially my faith despite my mental illnesses, threatens you or makes you uncomfortable. But I invite you to look beyond your preconceptions and my labels and get to know me for who I am. To look beyond the labels.

Regular readers of this blog will know that I am both a Christian and someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts as part of my mental health.

This perhaps place me in a position which is fairly different to a lot of folk as it places me in a position where conversations about suicide and faith are fairly common place.

And I have to tell you that my own personal experience is that very often the albeit well meaning responses of Christians, just as with many other folk, concerning suicide can be both so very unhealthy and so very unhelpful for those of us who do struggle with suicidal thoughts.

Now before continuing, let me just make this statement of fact. I currently attend a church here in Ireland where their approach to the whole subject of suicide is generally extremely good and extremely; loving, understanding, informed and helpful. But sadly this can be the exception to the rule.

So let’s look at the facts… (The following bullet-pointed facts were supplied by the IASP working in official relations with the World Health Organization.)

———————————————————-oOo——————————————————–

Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in the world, especially among young people.

Nearly one million people worldwide die by suicide each year.This corresponds to one death by suicide every 40 seconds.

(This staggering figure makes it one of the most important issues facing mankind today…)

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The number of lives lost each year through suicide exceeds the number of deaths due to homicide and war combined.

(Either as individuals or indeed as members of churches and faith based groups, we cannot afford to turn a blind eye or be misinformed concerning this issue.)
———————————————————-oOo——————————————————–

These staggering figures do not include nonfatal suicide attempts which occur much more frequently than deaths by suicide.

A large proportion of people who die by suicide suffer from mental illness.

(Not everyone who suffers from mental illness will contemplate suicide just as not everyone who contemplates suicide will have suffered from mental illness.)

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Recent estimates suggest that the disease burden caused by mental illnesses will account for 25% of the total disease burden in the world in the next two decades, making it the most important category of ill-health (more important than cancer or heart diseases.)

(Any church or faith based organization wishing to minister love, support and hope in this world must therefore be aware of this issue.)
———————————————————-oOo——————————————————–

A significant number of those with mental illnesses who die by suicide do not contact health or social services near the time of their death. In many instances, there are insufficient services available to assist those in need at times of crisis.

(Which again makes it a fundamental issue for churches and faith based organizations and this in turn makes it essential that churches and faith based organizations are both aware of the issue and indeed develop proper and healthy approaches to this issue.)

———————————————————-oOo——————————————————–
The facts are staggering aren’t they? Add to these the stigma that is all too often attached to those who suffer from mental illness or suicidal thoughts and trust me you seemingly get a very bleak picture indeed.

But there is hope! I truly believe that and I truly believe that the church has a very definite place in providing that hope.

As individual Christians and as Christian churches, I believe that, we have a very definite place in fighting both the stigma attached to mental illness and those who suffer from suicidal thoughts and to offering that hope that I speak of.

Not by offering cliches or well-worn snippets of scripture, and definitely not by offering judgmental or condemnatory remarks. But but offering love, understanding, support and encouragement to fight for the right to live and to live a life worth living.

As I said towards the beginning of this piece, I am a Christian and I am also someone who suffers from mental illness and suicidal thoughts as part of that mental illness. In truth my first suicide attempt was before I had even reached teenage years. My faith in Christ, which whilst I fully believe can for some provide total healing from both mental illness and suicidal thoughts, has not, thus far, removed them for me. BUT, and there is really no getting away from this, I am now some 51 years old and still here and still believing in Christ and still so very thankful that He has by the grace of God brought me through thus far.

Can Christ heal us – even from mental illness and suicidal ideology? Absolutely I believe He can! Is it guaranteed this side of heaven? No I do not believe that it is. And for me to say otherwise would be to lie to you and to God and I will not do that. My faith has not excluded me from mental illness or suicidal thoughts. BUT it, along with the love and support of my fellow believers, has brought me through both of them so far. And I praise and thank God for that.

Is there a place for the mentally ill and those who suffer with suicidal thoughts within the life of the modern church? Absolutely there is! But here is a better question for you – is there a place for the church within the lives of the mentally ill and those who suffer from suicidal thoughts?

Again I say there is and again I say that that place will only ever be truly secured, prayerfully, honestly and lovingly!

Day Five–“Younger Self” Write a letter to your younger self telling them the things you think they will need to know about when they are diagnosed with your condition.

Well I am going to cheat here slightly if I may. The reason for my cheating is that actually I have already done this exercise. It is an idea that I gained from reading something Stephen Fry had done and in response to that I wrote my “letter to a younger self” back in November of last year. Wow that year seems to have gone fast.

So having already done this exercise I thought I would republish that last – which can be found here, – but add to it and highlight the additions by placing them in red text…

Dearest Kevin,

I know that you do not really know me and that this letter is going to come as a surprise to you. And I apologize if it comes as a shock but hope that you will see that I had to write it.

To be honest, it is my sincerest hope that if you; get this letter in time, if you take time to read it, and if you truly take my words to your heart, you will never ever know me and never get a chance to become me. Not the full me at least.

You see, I am “you” or at least I am the ”you” that you have become many years in the future. It is confusing I know, but I so very much wanted to write to you telling you some truths that somehow we – you and I – have never been able to understand or accept.

Truths that I now, after years of struggle and no small amount of healing I now know and understand.

You see I know the thoughts and feelings that you (that we) have had for so long now. Thoughts and feelings of; being unloveable, of worthlessness, of guilt, and of shame and of being somehow damaged, even irreparable.

Yes Kevin, even now some forty years into your future I still struggle with these.

For as long as I can remember I too have heard and sadly listened to and believed those voices, those thoughts, those feelings that tell me I am not worth anything, that I am ugly, dirty, useless, worthless. Voices, thoughts and feelings that convince me, convince us, that we are not worth loving and that seeing as we are not worth loving that those who want to hurt us or abuse us can do so.

But you see those voices, those thoughts, those feelings are wrong, so very wrong. And we have no right to listen to them let alone to believe them and I so desperately want for you to know that and to know it now before everything goes so terribly wrong.

You are so very young. Only ten years of age, and trust me I know how already things have gone astray in your young life and how desperately alone you feel.

When you slide into your bed at night and lay there unable to sleep, scared, and alone, desperately trying to face those thoughts and feelings and voices not knowing how to stop them, to change them, to heal them, I have been and am there with you also.

I know only too well, how much you try to hide the way you feel, the thoughts you have and the voices that you hear, from your family and your teachers, and those around you for fear of rejection or ridicule or worse.

But I beg of you, dear sweet child, I beg of you to trust them (those who hold you dear) and to let them into your inner hidden shame-filled world. Because if you don’t, and trust me I am talking from experience here, it will go on to damage you and hurt you and destroy relationships that you should never have lost.

And even more than this, it will lead you to form relationships that you should never have begun and that will hurt and damage you even more deeply than I care to think of.

Kevin, dear sweet Kevin. How deeply I wish I could be there with you to hold you, hug you, guide you and help you find the healing that you so desperately need and so deeply desire.

I cannot begin to place into words, knowing now what lies in your future and my past if you do not get this letter, the sense of urgency that I feel in trying to change the course of life that you are on.

I desire so deeply for you not to go through what happens to you both in your very near future and beyond it and for you to NOT make those attempts that I know are going to come to try in an attempt to end it all. Not to mention those the decisions and actions that you take as a result of the misplaced feelings and beliefs that you mistakenly hold as being true.

Kevin, if you take nothing else from my words to you please, please, accept and believe what I am going to say to you next. Take my words, hold them in your heart and never let go of them…

“Life IS WORTH LIVING because YOU ARE WORTH LOVING and what is more YOU CAN BE LOVED and ARE LOVED despite the way you feel.”

Kevin, I know those words are difficult to hear and even harder to believe. But take it from me, (and let’s not forget that I am actually you – just and older and hopefully wiser and more experienced you) these words are true and the thoughts and feelings and voices – those hateful, harmful, deceptive and malicious, lying thoughts, feelings and voices – that you and I are so used to knowing and believing, are all wrong, so very wrong.

Kevin, I have to close this letter now. I wish so very much that I could write more, share more, show you more. And yet even as I have written the words I have just written, I have come to understand that actually a large part of who I am (who we are) today is in part as a result of what I have been through and what you may yet still go through.

There are so many things in my life that I am thankful for, and trust me Kevin, so many wonderful things that you have yet to experience. Love, marriage, parenthood, your ministry and the faith that I know you already have and yet don’t fully understand or appreciate.

Kevin, please trust me when I tell you that I know the things that you have done and I know the secrets of your heart – the questions, the confusions, the conflicts and the victories. The joys, the fears, the wounds, the guilts, the dreams, and the hopes that are all present there held safe and secure within.

Admit the things you have done sweet child, and accept the love and forgiveness that is offered in return. Trust your family no matter how hard that may seem right now. But trust your heavenly Father more. Because the years of love shared with them that you may lose as a result of not trusting them now can never be regained. Trust me I have tried.

And above all else please, please, know that nothing is greater than God’s love. Not those voices, those feelings, those thoughts, nor the guilt, the pain nor the hurt. None of them, whether individually or combined, are or could ever be greater than God’s love or God’s love for you.

So there you have it my, albeit slightly amended, letter to a younger self.

As I said, I wrote the original version of that back in November of last year and I have to tell you that it was a painful experience then and (to a lesser extent) a painful experience now.

Did is serve a purpose then? Does it serve a purpose now? Well we are all different aren’t we but yes for me I believe it did and does.

As you will have possibly gleaned from reading that letter my mental illness had a direct impact on my young life and on the relationships that I did or didn’t form throughout my life. But there is one relationship which it had a huge impact on and that is my relationship with God.

So many of the wounds, the fears, the self-criticisms and so much of the self-hatred that came as result of my mental health and in some part from my unsuccessful attempts to end it all even as a child, had corrupted my perspective of my acceptability to God. So much of the relationship I struggled with in respect of my own biological father corrupted an distorted my understanding of the father-heart of God.

As I re-read that letter, as I reflected on it’s words and sentiments I reflected on the lessons that I have since learned and the healing that I have been blessed to have received in these respects. And in that alone it has served a purpose in helping me to affirm and cement the healing that I, that my inner child as received.

But there is, I hope, a greater purpose from this exercise and that i that if but one person – who is struggling with similar situations and hurts and fears – comes across this and benefits from it than it has been more than worth doing.

If I had to describe my current mental health status using weather terms that would be the description that I would currently use as it is the most fitting that I could think of at this time.

“Overcast with a forecast of inclement weather”

Not a very positive report I know. But then I like to keep things real and I am acutely aware of my mental health and how it affects me and as I said, I couldn’t think of a more accurately descriptive report.

The thing is that whilst it give some information about what is happening right now and indeed does carry with it some warning of what is likely to come it doesn’t commit to anything too specific. Does it say tornadoes, hurricanes, whirlwinds, gales, etc? No. It just says that what is to come is likely to be stormy, tempestuous and severe.

The thing is that I just don’t know what is to come. I just know how I am at the moment – hence the “overcast” statement and I just know what feeling like this, being like this, normally leads to.

But we all get times like this don’t we? Times when we feel that there is little to no sunshine in our lives or even on the immediate horizon? Times when, for no apparent reason we get a sense of impending doom?

I mean surely those things, those feelings, those thought processes, are not unique to those of us who suffer from poor mental health or with mental illness? No of course they aren’t but here’s the deal.

When you do suffer from poor mental health or from mental illness, and know how that poor mental health or mental illness plays out in your life, those feelings – those thought processes, are usually far more accurate and are usually indicators that all is not right within and trouble is indeed in store.

Sadly, what they don’t often come with is specific indications as to just what kind of inclement mental health weather is to come.

Physically I am run down at the moment and, as the trip to the doctor today has confirmed I have indeed had flu for the past few weeks and on top of that also have a sinus infection.

I am very much aware of this and I am very much aware that this is affecting my overall poor physical health, sleep patterns and general mental health. LIkewise I am also aware that one of the conditions that I suffer from is paranoid schizophrenia. Impending doom and paranoia are close relatives in my experience and I also need to bear that in mind.

But I find myself extremely agitated an anxious at the moment and I find myself very much on edge. I want to sleep and hope the whole thing goes away, but know that sleep avoids me once again.

I want to reason this whole thing out with logic but find myself in that heelish place where I can reason enough to work out things are not right but not so much that I can reason my way beyond that or out of that. I dislike this particular place of confused and impaired mental agility and in response to that comes the temptation to self-medicate to such a degree where reason is no longer possible. But then isn’t that what the voices want?

My faith of course assures me that I will get through this and yet that same faith and assurance condemns me to go through it and not to give in.

Suicide and Self-harm discussed in general within this post. Whilst all caution has been taken in the writing of this post reader caution is also advised.

I wonder if you have ever wanted to send a parcel or letter or message at work and been asked, as part of the office mailing system to “Please Indicate Priority Level” as part of that system.

In fac t setting priorities is something that most of us do most days and a lot of times without even having to consciously think about it.

But what makes one thing a priority over something else and indeed what changes something from being a priority to be urgent?

After all, whilst there are common criteria which we all use isn’t it also true that sometimes we have our own personal criteria which others may not agree with.

Take for these following scenario and statements for example.

In this scenario you have a friend who has mental health issues and can as a result of them be quite demanding on you and your time.

Naturally this in turn places you under a great deal of pressure in respect of your other obligations and so you have to decide which of the following statements your friend makes you need to respond to immediately – the urgent ones if you will, which you need to respond to fairly quickly but not right away necessarily – a priority but not urgent, and which you can safely respond to when you have a little more time…

Here are the statements, simply place them in order of priority…

A ) Feeling blue

B) Doesn’t want to go on living.

C) Feeling suicidal

D) Feeling like life isn’t worth living anymore.

E) Feeling kind of ok but not quite right.

F) Feeling like I want to hurt myself

G) I don’t feel anything

H) Feeling ok thanks.

Its a difficult choice to make isn’t it?

How about we change the scenario a little? What if instead of how you are going to respond to a friend and his or her feelings and subsequent statements, we instead make those your feeling and your statements. How would you prioritize them now?

After all, let’s be honest here, if you look at that list and place them in order from least urgent to most urgent it is very easy to see that actually those statements can so easily lead into each other and one can very quickly change to another.

As someone who experiences all of the mindsets behind those statements and as who, I am sure, made all of those statements from time to time I can testify how easily an quickly one mindset can lead to another.

Today the blogosphere or more precisely the mental health section of the blogosphere is awash with Suicide related posts and rightly so since today (Sept 10th 2012) is World Suicide Prevention Day.

Whilst this is all about awareness, for me, the key word in all of this has to be Prevention. Very often recognizing any progressions in our mental health can be an essential to preventing escalations in it.

And when it comes to suicidal thoughts I know first hand how, for me at least and I am sure for others, those mindsets and thought processes that I have listed within our statements above can lead into each other and cause those dangerous escalations.

I need to be clear here. Self-Harming isn’t always linked to suicide or suicidal thoughts and it is possible for those who do Self-Harm to not even consider Suicide, just as it is possible for those who consider suicide not have ever considered or practiced Self-Harm.

But for those of us who do struggle with Self-Harm, and Suicide Ideation the risks are obvious and the risks of escalations in poor mental health or harmful mindsets are just as real for all of us.

Having the wrong approach to our thought processes. Not dealing with them when they need addressing. Not seeking help when it is needed and available or not finding help when it is needed and our normal help sources are not available can all be so very harmful. Even and especially when you don’t feel we deserve or are not worth that help.

So I am going to display our list of mindsets and statements again and ask you to do something for me.

Looking at our list identify the statements and mindsets which you are familiar with and decide on healthy responses to them and the priority of responses needed.

A ) Feeling blue

B) Doesn’t want to go on living.

C) Feeling suicidal

D) Feeling like life isn’t worth living anymore.

E) Feeling kind of ok but not quite right.

F) Feeling like I want to hurt myself

G) I don’t feel anything

H) Feeling ok thanks.

And once you have done that – how about making a commitment to do all you can to afford yourself those responses from now on?

Because no matter what you have done or how you have feel about yourself I am convinced that there is hope, that you are and can be worth it, and that affording yourself and taking the right responses can prevent so much hardship.

And I am convinced that making our own well-being a priority in our lives is all part of the doorway to better mental health.

You build a tower comprising of alternating layers of blocks (normally 3 across) and then take turns removing a block each and replacing it at the top of the tower.

In time the top blocks become the bottom blocks and so it goes on until the tower falls or is knocked down as a result of instability.

Actually it can be great fun, although not a good game for the less steady handed amongst us, and I am sure has provided a lot of good clean entertainment for many a family.

But what if instead of blocks they were experiences and what it instead of a tower it was a life – your life that we were dealing with?

In the game of Jenga the more blocks which are removed and replaced the more unstable (unless you are extremely cautious) the tower becomes and thus the longer the game goes on.

Blocks are placed slightly askew or in the wrong place and this in turn adds to the instability of the tower and increases the chance of it coming crashing down.

Of course within the game you don’t have the freedom, on spotting a block or blocks which is making the tower unstable, of going back and replacing or repairing it in order to stabilize your tower.

(It would after all kind of defeat the purpose of the game) But is that, does that, have to be true of our lives and those experiences that we spoke of earlier?

Oscar Wilde, the Irish writer and poet, once said…

One’s past is what one is. It is the only way by which people should be judged.

It’s an interesting position isn’t it? Not one that I entirely agree with it has to be said, although I do have some sympathy with the idea that we are, at least in part, made up from our pasts.

But then the same Oscar Wilde also said…

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

This is something which I more fully agree with, although it could be argued that the two quotes are almost somewhat contradictory.

Isn’t it true that sometimes our pasts can sometimes alter our perceptions or indeed do sometimes come back to haunt us in life? Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst?

For me personally I fully believe that the past is a ghost which has a voice in our present only as much as we allow it that voice.

And like all ghosts we need to be very careful just what voice we do actually afford it.

But we also need to remember, I think, that like all ghosts it is not always seen even if it is there, and even when it is having an effect on our present.

How many of us have had experiences in the past which still haunt our dreams? Experiences that are the fuel of panic attacks and the playground of our nightmares?

But what about the less obvious, the less dramatic and yet just as harmful effects? How many of us have taken on board the labels or attitudes or self-images that where repeatedly thrown at us throughout our childhoods?

I know I certainly have, and I am fairly certain I am not the only one.

The truth is that unlike our game of Jenga, where we do not have the freedom to revisit those blocks which are causing our towers to go slightly askew or become unstable, in life we can revisit those experiences which are or have sent our lives or our perceptions askew and which are making us unstable.

Isn’t this the very essence of a lot of therapy?

The English writer Leslie Poles Hartley (1895-1972) once wrote these words…

The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.

Well whilst I might agree with him in respect of human history and of society, I have to say that in terms of our individual pasts sometimes it is an invader who forces us to do things differently here.

The question we are left with therefore are, in respect of our own life, for the sake of both our present and our future, are we aware of that invasion and what are we going to do about it?

The fact that suicidal thoughts and ideation has been part of my life since early childhood is no secret and I have written about it on this blog several times before.

It is a subject dear to my heart as it is a very real spectre that can haunt the mind of many a person. Not only those of us who suffer from poor mental health, but many a person and it can and has also cast very dark shadows over the lives of those who have lost a loved one through suicide.

World Suicide Prevention Day 2012 is on September 10th this year and it is something I am encouraging everyone to get involved in.

The world Health Organisation state that…

The number of lives lost each year through suicide exceeds the number of deaths due to homicide and war combined.

Its a staggering statistic isn’t it? And we need to be very mindful that this is also a very real threat to many of our young people.

So why not get involved?

One way is to light a candle at or near a window on September 10th at 8pm. to show your support for Suicide prevention, to remember a lost loved one, and for the survivors of suicide.

And there are other ways in which you can get involved and show your support, especially if you have a mental health blog.

Why not reblog this post or write your own piece in support of this important issue?

In a comment to a previous post I was asked, “How do you drag yourself out of these dark places, these dark moods? These depressed episodes? And the truth is that sometimes that is virtually impossible without assistance…

Last night I sat watching a bit of television and there was absolutely nothing on which suited my mood at the time. “I know,” thought I. “I will see what is available on Netflix. I fancy watching a really dark sad and tragic movie.” But then I realized they hadn’t made my autobiography into a movie yet.”

There is some ironic humor in that statement, that tought process, isn’t there? In a dark, sad kind of way I mean.

Actually the only truth in that statement is the fact that a) I did think it and b) they haven’t made my autobiography into a movie. And yes I have actually written an autobiography of my life.

The fact is that my life (and indeed my autobiography for that matter) is neither dark nor sad nor tragic. Does it contain dark, sad or tragic episodes? Yes it does, (don’t so many of our lives?) but I certainly wouldn’t label or describe it that way and in fact it has been woven with as many amazing and incredible moments as it has dark, sad or tragic ones.

And the truth is that I rarely if ever willingly or knowingly watch that type of movie.

But then that is the nature of depression isn’t it? It can re-color things or even bleach the color out of things. Likewise it can corrupt and pervert our perception or focus causing us to be drawn to the macabre or the tragic or the dark.

Being aware of this and remaining mindful of this – especially when such thought processes logically progress to suicidal ideation can be so very important. Having coping mechanisms in place with which to combat such a progress is also so very important.

I am mindful of a wood or forest at this point. As you enter into it the trees are fairly spread out and light is breaking through the gaps and the branches. The further in you get the thicker the forest or wooded area gets and the thicker and closer together those trees get and subsequently less and less light breaks through until eventually you see neither light nor individual trees just darkness all around you.

Instead of trees think of wounds and hurts, guilts and shames, stessors and problems. Look at them all spread out and thinly planted around you and you see each one and you also see the light – that hope.

But allow yourself to walk right down into the thick of it and they become one mass, a blanket, a barrier, a trap and they block out the light – that hope that joy that we all need to survive.

That for me is the first lesson. Recognizing that entering into that pathway of thoughts will lead you deeper in and exactly what is there for you if you do go down it. And there are other important lessons/considerations…

Separating the trees (or individual thoughts and either dismissing ech individual one without further consideration or combating them (chopping them down) and then very importantly letting go and letting them stay down. Thus allowing that light to shine through.

Recognizing where that light (that hope and that joy) comes from and how important it is. Remembering that this is what you need to be looking towards and staying close to. The minute a thought process seems to be removing or blocking that light – walk backwards in your mind and allow yourself to face that particular thought process another day when you are more able.

Of course I do recognize that it is not always that easy. As someone who suffers from poor mental health and a number of mental health issues I know only too well that sometime we just cannot control where I mind will take us.

BUT the truth is that there are times, plenty of times, when we can.

I started of this post with a statement reflecting a thought process I had last night – one which said, “I need a movie which will match my mood.” PErfectly natural and understandable you might think, but I would suggest that as natural and understandable as it may at first seem it is without doubt a harmful thought process?

Why match a dark mood? A Sad mood? A tragic mood? Why feed those moods? Where will doing so lead? Why not try to combat them and try to speak into them and change them for the better?

Actually instead of matching or feeding the dark mood was in I watched a comedy. After that I read some comments hereon my blog, I listened to some upbeat Christian music.

Can I say that doing so lifted my mood noticeably and dragged me out of the darkness that I have been experiencing? No in all honesty I can’t.

BUT and like mine this really is a big but 🙂 it never fed that mood and never dragged me further into that darkness and that is noticeable and that is a victory that is well worth acknowledging.

IS the darkness still there? Yes I am afraid it is. Are the suicidal thoughts still lingering, still threatening? Yes I am afraid they are. But it hasn’t gotten worse and I can still see flickers of light, signs of hope and that is so very important.

Today I have worked in the house, bought and constructed a bench to go in my garden and with the help of my son and his partner hung all of those blinds that I have been washing and had put out to dry.

A dear friend from my old church came round to see me today and that was a very real blessing also.

So those are the rays of light breaking through the darkness that tries to cover me and I am going to recognize them, hold on to them, and thank God for them.

Although I generally keep my faith fairly low key on this particular blog (as it’s main purpose is not to talk about faith but instead about mental health issues) today I wanted to share something that has been on my heart.

As a Christian who suffers from Mental health issues, including depression and suicidal ideation, I am very much aware of what these things can do to you.

They can make you feel so worthless and remove the site of any hope, as well as potentially leading you to urges to self-harm and indeed thoughts of ending it all etc. they can undermine your faith and indeed your self-worth.

Psalm 23 has always been important to me and has been on my heart for a while now. It can also, I believe speak directly into many of those self-harm, suicidal ideation and lack of self-worth issues that I talked about.

So today I thought I would look at Psalm 23 and take a look at it specifically in respect of those issues and the comfort and assurances and encouragements that it can offer…

Psalm 23 NIV

(Words of the psalm are in red – my reflections are in black)

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

I wonder if you have ever considered the role of the Shepherd? What he does? What kind of person he is? What he offers or provides for the sheep?

Historically the shepherding was usually done by the young son of the father – sound familiar in a Christian context? He tended the sheep, looked after them. He knows the sheep, recognizes them, knows their characteristics, natures, personalities. Knows which ones need a lot of looking after and which ones need a lot of watching lol.

Does he keep them from death entirely? No of course not death – at least death on this earth – comes to us all, but he protects and keeps them until the time is right for them. Doing all he can to keep them from wandering into places where untimely death is a very real threat.

How often does that suicidal ideation bring us to those dangerous places where an untimely death is possible? This is not his desire for us and he will do all he can to lead us away from there. (As we will see) But we do need to listen to his voice and trust in him – something that can be so very hard at times I know.

We are part of his flock, his sheep and they are his and he cares for them and provides for them. So in truth (despite thoughts top the contrary) I am his, we are his, and he cares for us and provides for us and no matter what the depression says, no matter what the poor self-image or the damaging voices or thoughts of worthlessness may say the fact is that is true and the fact it that we belong and he desires for us to belong.

Does not this psalm talk and indeed the very first verse speak of that, establish that? “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.”

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,

The shepherd wants us to lie down in green pastures green pastures are a sign of provision, safety and security. Soft grass to lay on and to graze on. Not rocky roads, not bramble-filled hedge rows.

The key words here for me are ‘lie down’. I have no doubt, from my understanding of the Bible and indeed from my own personal experience of life that there will indeed be rocky roads and bramble-filled hedge rows along our journey, but does he want for us to remain on them? To rest of them? No not at all. It is in green pastures where he wants for us to lay down. And check out this next bit if you are unsure.

he leads me beside quiet waters,

“Quiet waters” are a representation of peace and tranquility and again of provision – for do we all not need to drink? Where is it safest to drink? In a noisy rapid moving stream or in the quiet stiller waters?

And again check out the key words in this sentence – He “leads me”. The expression is not ‘sends me’ or ‘drives me’ but ‘leads me’. There is no separation here. We have not been sent off alone but instead he is taking us with him, we are together.

3 he refreshes my soul.

Some have described the soul as being the essence of who we are – mind (reasoning, intellect, information, memory etc), will and emotions. So bearing this in mind, check out that word – “refreshes“‘.

In the original Hebrew the word used here is ‘שׁוּב’ or ‘shûb’ and it means to refresh or to restore. Ever wondered why that word is there?

All too often, in my opinion, we have soft-sold Christianity and faith, giving the impression that in Christ we should have no difficulties or trials or illnesses or hurts. This is simply not true in my opinion and the fact is that we will have trials and difficulties and illnesses and hurts and we will get tired and weak.

“He refreshes (or restores) my soul“. Why? Because my soul, your soul, is no doubt going to encounter difficult times and suffer weakness and tiredness along the way and so those damaging, harmful doubting voices which base their condemnations or sew those seeds of doubt on our weaknesses and tiredness have no power and no truth because we all get that way and God knows we will and His word not only acknowledges it but makes provision for it.

He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.

Again the key word here is “guides” and again the picture is not one being ‘sent’ but one being ‘led’. It is in fact in the Hebrew the word ‘נחה’ or ‘nâchâh’ and that means to ‘bring’ to ‘guide’ to ‘lead’.

And why? Because of anything we have earned? No not at all but for HIS name sake not our. Thus we cannot say or think that we are ‘unworthy of’ or ‘unacceptable for’ this as it is because of him and not because of us that he does this.

4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, (Or the valley of the shadow of death) I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

There is potential imminent danger and sadness here isn’t there? The “darkest valley” or “the valley of the shadow of death“. How many of us have known those dark valleys? How many of us who suffer from suicidal ideation have had that shadow of death fall upon us?

And yet even in these potentially dangerous and dark times there is a promise of hope and security here. “I will fear no evil” Why? Because “You are with me” and “Your rod and your staff they comfort me“.

Yes there is certainly hope and security to be taken from those words. And again we need to recognize that the presence of “dark valleys” and “shadows of death” are acknowledged as being something that we will experience.

The rod and the staff offer authority, protection and security and are integral tools for the shepherd and we understand and recognize this and we know their need and place in our lives. The rod protecting us from the prowling wolves and the staff guiding us and directing us and also being used to pluck us from the mire.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

And not only does the shepherd keep us from that danger and from that untimely death but he prepares “a table before me“. He feeds us and provides us all that we need for life.

And what is more he does it “in the presence of my enemies“. We don’t have to wait until everything is safe and sound before he provides for our future. He does it throughout it all. So secure, so powerful is his authority and are his abilities that he can do this even whilst danger is around us. And again there is that recognition that danger is around us.

You anoint my head with oil;

‘anointing with oil‘ in the bible has a number of uses, healing, protection, a sign of importance or worth. Oil in those days was by no means cheap. If you are having your head anointed with oil it is a sign of your being worth something, being valued.

When those poor or harmful self-image or self-worth doubts come this is an excellent thing to remember. “You anoint my head with oil.” We are worth something! We are valued!

my cup overflows.

I love this simple statement. “my cup overflows” Not only do you provide what I need but even more than that. And I like that statement for another reason…

Many years ago I was at some celebration or another and an expensive bottle of champagne was opened and shared around. It was poured into the first glass with great pleasure and happiness and with too much enthusiasm. So naturally it fizzed up and overflowed out of the glass.

Not wishing for any of the valuable drink to be wasted others placed their glasses underneath in order to catch as much of the overflow as possible.

How much more valuable is his provision for us? When it overflows, are we to waste it or to share it with others? I think the answer is pretty obvious here – we are to share it with others.

6 Surely your goodness and love will follow meall the days of my life,

“Surely” it is a statement not a question. Take a look at the whole sentence, there is no question mark here. Positively, certainly, your goodness and love with follow me…

Goodness and love cannot follow someone unless goodness and love is what they have with them and what they have shown and shared. The legacy we leave to our children is built of what we have shown to or shared with our children.

And we are not only talking about the legacy we leave behind after our life on earth is over. Not at all. Take a look at the rest of this line will follow me “all the days of my life“.

This is a constant thing a here and now thing.

If “surely“, or positively or certainly, “goodness” and “love” are that which is to follow us then “surely“, positively and certainly, “goodness” and “love” is what we need to be sharing and leaving behind us not only when we die but after each conversation, each encounter with someone, each interaction.

Now obviously none of us are perfect and we are going to mess up every now and again and indeed fail in this, but it is good target to have is it not?

And surely that “goodness” and “love” is made possible because of all the thing that the Lord has and is and will do for us. For it comes first from him, then to us and then through us to others – my cup overflows.

and I will dwell in the house of the Lordforever.

And here is that glorious promise! “and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever“.

The shepherd will, if we; listen to him, stay close to him, rely on him, and trust in him, even and especially in those times of darkest trouble bring us through it all and will do so until our time is right and even beyond it so that through him we can secure that glorious prize – the one intended for us all. eternal life with him.

So there you have it. Why psalm 23 is such an important psalm to me and why I think it can bring such comfort in times of darkness and when the depression and the urges to self-harm or when the suicidal ideation hit.

There are, for me personally, fewer times when I sense potential harm (other than of course when the suicidal thoughts and tendencies try to take over) as greatly as when the nothingness comes.

The nothingness (as I call it) is a barren wasteland devoid of emotions and feelings, energy and motivation. It is an emptiness.

It is a land where all the colour of life is suddenly bleached away and it is a land I can somehow sometimes fall into without warning.

It is also a land I fell into Sunday evening and which I seem to have remained in ever since.

In truth I had a fairly good weekend. Saturday I spent some time working around the house, blogging and reading and felt perfectly fine.

Sunday I went to church and thoroughly enjoyed the worship there. Afterwards the friend I was with did a little shopping with her daughter and I accompanied them.

This of course gave me an opportunity to generally make fun, crack jokes and be slightly mischievous – as is often my way – (it is one of the ways in which I cope) and we had a good time.

Sunday afternoon and early evening was also spent with them (and the rest of their family). Plus some old friends from the church I used to attend also came over and again it was an enjoyable time.

Sadly, as can sometimes happen, there was one statement (which was made in total innocence) which launched my paranoia into apoplexy (figuratively speaking that is) but even then I thought and felt like I was having a good time.

Coming home I still felt fine and indeed, despite the fact that I was so incredibly tired, I read some emails, caught up on some blogs and then suddenly just sat looking at my screen as everything seemed to have drained from me.

It was the nothingness. This colourless, grey, barren, wasteland. No feelings, no emotions, just an emptiness. A void.

And that nothingness has remained ever since. Well almost remained.

For the mind, or at least my mind, doesn’t like nothingness. It can’t cope with it. Has to fill it and it chooses to fill it with unsafe or harmful thoughts.

Will I respond to these thoughts? I seriously doubt it (although certainly I have the means to do so). But no. What I need to do is to just survive this latest barrenness this latest slump.

One of the difficulties with having multiple diagnoses in respect of your mental health is that very often you don’t have a clearly identifiable nail on which to hang the blame for something.

Of course the truth is that having that nail wouldn’t really serve any real difference at all. I am who I am and I experience what I experience and having a label for it doesn’t really change that very much. It is something that I (and indeed other bloggers who write about mental health) have written about before and yet somehow I still seek that nail, that label.

Another reality is that actually all too often we can seek to pin something under our ‘mental illness’ related label despite it actually being perfectly common or ordinary for a lot of folk but which may just be a little more acute or severe for those of us who do suffer from poor mental health.

Take for example holidays and the different ways in which we can all react to them…

Today is Mothering Sunday here in Ireland and in the UK and in other parts of the world, (although I do know not in USA or Canada I believe), and it is therefore a time of joy and of celebration.

But as much as I celebrate my mothers – both biological and adopted – and am extremely blessed that they are still with us, my mind somehow cannot help but think of all those folk whose mother’s are no longer with us. Those folk for whom perhaps Mothering Sunday is somehow less joyous or is still joyous but is also tinged with varying degrees of sadness.

And that is not really surprising is it? As someone who is on Facebook and who uses it fairly regularly my page is as full today of happy wishes sent out from sons and daughters to their moms who are still alive as it is messages sent out showing that even though someone’s mum is no longer with us she is not forgotten.

So for me to be mindful of mothers who have passed – even though mine have not – is not unusual or weird or even different at all, and is not even worth mentioning perhaps.

Except for me, such thoughts are never an end and are always – or so it seems – a for runner to further thoughts. Thoughts of other folk who I have lost and who are in fact no longe with us.

See my mind does that. It can’t take just one thought and simply process and file it. It seems that kind of response is just not within my psychological profile.

Where some people seem to have a little man (or woman) inside their head who takes things and simply sorts them out and either files them for future use or shreds them to make room for other stuff. I have a committee of obsessive compulsives who are constantly practicing in readiness for inclusion when debating becomes a recognized discipline within the mental olympics.

They jump on everything it seems. They devour it, inspect it, analyze it, process it, compare it, share it, debate it, regurgitate it and then do it all some more. And they do so no matter how good or bad my mental health is. Except that the worse my mental health is the more they seem to do it until my mental health gets so bad that I don’t seem able to cope and thus my mind seems to hiccup before imploding.

Thankfully I am not quite that bad today. Although I just don’t seem to be able to shake these thoughts of the loved ones whom I have loved and lost.

What are the words from that old Tennyson poem? ‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”?

Poetry often speaks the truth doesn’t it? I think because so much of poetry comes from the heart and whilst the heart is the playground of hope is it not also all too often a playground built on hurts and shattered dreams?

And so my committee of obsessive compulsives have been working on over-drive today. Taking thoughts of fondness and love for my mothers and of celebration and marrying them (the thoughts not my mothers, you understand) to thoughts of those I have lost and sadly to deeper more unhealthy, more harmful thoughts.

And there is a ‘nail’ a ‘label’ I can easily identify. Suicidal Ideology.

It is something that I am very much prone to and am very much aware of. When things get very tough or when I am locked on thoughts of those who are no longer with us, it sneaks into my thought processes and calls to me. When the pain gets too much or I get too weak or the quality of life that I am experiencing crashes for any serious length of time my horizon darkens it seems and this calls to me.

BUT not today! I am not going to allow it! For today I am not quite that weak and not quite that dark. Today I have still some strength of resolve. Today I recognize that no matter how great my loss. No matter how great my longing to be reunited with those I have lost or how appealing the escape from this battle may be. It is here that I belong and here I am going to stay. Because it is here that God wants me.

Many moons back (I think in 1992) Eric Clapton (and I think Will Jennings) wrote a song about the death of Clapton’s 4-year-old son Connor. It is a beautiful song and one that really touched my heart. A few (actually several) years later, despite it being a little out of normal my vocal range, I did a pseudo-cover of it in remembrance of someone so very special and so very dear to me and as a gift to one of my mothers who was also suffering a great loss.

The song is (as the title of this piece suggests) Tears in Heaven. The final words of that song speak so very clearly a truth that I need to always keep close to my heart – especially when I am missing those I have lost…

“I must be strong and carry on. Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven.”

As I said, despite it being a little high for me and outside of my normal vocal range I did record a pseudo-cover of it and in fact put it on my poetry blog. So I thought I would share it here as well in the hope that if today you, like me, are missing someone very close to you it might encourage you to be strong also.

In the world of Acronyms – this being a place where all the little words congregate and sort themselves out into groups where the first initials of their names form another word – PUSH stands for

Pray Until Something Happens!

When it come to the matter of long-term mental or physical illness this acronym (or rather the practice behind it) really comes into its own and is often tested to its limit.

I think this is sometimes because of the helplessness often experienced in these situations and thus the desperate need to believe there is a higher power we can rely on, and sometimes it stems from an already present understanding of the fact that there is that higher power that we can rely on.

Either way the whole Pray Until Something Happens concept, actually comes from a biblical precept – Pray without Ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17) for example and is a very good thing to remember.

Prayer is a very important part of my life and I know is also a part of others who read this blog and I am so very grateful for that and for the fact that in response to my posting last night lots of folk were praying for me and on my behalf.

Last night was a tough night for me and one that I really struggled through and on top of that things are not a lot better today. But here’s the deal and there is no getting around this. I still have a today.

Despite the self-harming and suicidal thoughts and everything else that I went through last night, and that are still present to some degree today, I am still here and still able to fight on. The power of prayer is essential to that and in no way a small part of that just as the power of encouragement and support are also essential.

I think that this is something that we often miss within the whole gambit of things. It is, or so it seems to me, fairly natural to focus on the suffering and the length of suffering as a negative thing and not to see the victories that have been won throughout it all. – A “glass half empty” versus “glass half full” situation if you will. Was last night extremely tough? Yes! But was I alone through it all? No! Perhaps in person I was but not in spirit or in support. These then are victories as is the fact that I am managing to survive it.

We also tend to miss that others are in a far worse position than we are, don’t we?

The lame man glanced at the person sitting next to him in the hospital waiting room and complained, “I really hope they can help me today, I have had trouble walking and have suffered these darned leg pains for years now.”

“I am sorry to hear that” smiled the legless man sat in his wheelchair next to him, “I can’t say as I know what you are going through but I imagine it is very difficult for you.”

You see pain and suffering is personal isn’t it? It can often make us blind to the needs of others.

Actually, we all have differing needs and differing pain and tolerance levels don’t we? And we need to understand that not only do we all have different pain and tolerance levels to each other but we also have different pain and tolerance levels in respect of the types of pain and/or discomfort that we personally experience.

Personally I can suffer the aches and pains that I go through each and every day as a result of my health and I quietly experience leg pains, back pains, headaches, chest pains and the such on a regular almost continuous basis but step on my toe I can assure you that I will not be so quiet about it 🙂

Actually the fact is that our pain and suffering should never become our primary focus and should never be made into a competition with someone else.

How many of us have experienced people who, on your mentioning that something that is causing you discomfort, will immediately respond by telling you how their discomfort was or is much greater or who bring the whole thing around to how they themselves also suffer?

Obviously it depends on how this is done and indeed how often this is done but I wouldn’t mind wagering we all know someone who is like this. Someone who has to top your suffering with their own or at very least use the situation to gain some attention for themselves?

It isn’t helpful when this happens is it? Often it leaves your feeling even worse than when you started and very often will deter you from sharing with that person again.

But consider this for a moment if you will….

The very self-same nerves that experience pleasure also experience pain. It is true. Put it to the test if you will…

Gently rub your fingers in a circular motion on part of your bare forearm and feel how pleasurable that sensation is. Now give that same spot a sharp smack using the same fingers. Not so pleasurable is it?

Let’s look at how that situation changed. In both circumstance the same spot for the sensation was chosen. In both circumstances the same fingers were used to deliver the sensation. BUT how the sensation was delivered and thus how it was interpreted have changed.

The same rule applies to how we deliver and how we interpret comments concerning our suffering and I truly believe that we should always try to be mindful of this when it comes to discussing and considering pain and suffering.

Last night I shared how I was really struggling and I have to say that I was am very grateful for all the support and encouragement that I received via comments, Skype calls and e-mails, in response to the struggles that I was and am still facing today.

Part of the reason for my sharing how I was feeling was my need for release. I needed to vent or to verbally express what was, and still is, going on with me. Part of the reason was because one of the very purposes of this blog is to chronicle what is going on with my physical and mental health. But part of the reason for my sharing was to let others who might be struggling know that they are not alone and that there is hope and that we can get through these things.

Back in our world of acronyms and specifically with long-term mental and physical illness in mind another group of letters have formed together to make a word using the first initials of their names is SHARE

Securing Help Accommodates Real Endurance

OK so it might be an acronym that I have just now penned but that doesn’t make it any the less valid does it.

I am convinced that none of us are required to suffer alone or in silence and I am convinced that none of us should ever be required to suffer alone or in silence.

Seeking and securing help informs others of our needs and invites their response. In turn their response and assistance affords us a greater ability to cope with or deal with what we are facing and this allows us to deal with it in a healthier way and for a longer period if needed.

But it also reciprocates and offers the same opportunities to the person you are sharing with because it invites harmony, togetherness, interaction, hope.

No matter what I am going through I hope I never lose sight of this and my need to PUSH and SHARE and I pray that no matter what you are going through you will never lose sight of your need to PUSH and SHARE or the fact that you are always welcome to PUSH and SHARE here with me.

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