Archive for January 12th, 2009

During a press conference held today at their headquarters in Bethesda, Maryland, officials from the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) announced that preliminary data from a landmark 2008 study shows that obstructed meridians may have taken the place of heart disease as the most common cause of death in America.

“To many in the scientific community this will likely come as a complete shock and it is going to be met with skepticism,” NCCAM assistant to the travelling secretary Embeth Guzman explained. “But to other, less close-minded medical mavericks, particularly those fighting on the front lines of integarive healthcare, this is a validation of the years spent working to unclog vital human energy pathways.”

The NCCAM, which is the federal goverment’s lead agency in investigating alternative healing modalities, has issued a nationwide call for medical professionals to be on the lookout for a number of less familiar but potentially deadly conditions. Guzman further states that “It is now time for all of us in the medical field, regardless of our personal beliefs, to come together and fight this scourge of humanity. I don’t want to come off as an alarmist here, but the lives of countless millions hang in the balance.”

The updates to the list of leading causes of death in America are as follows:

1. Obstructed meridians – 219 million deaths per year
2. Chiropractic subluxations – 138 million deaths per year
3. Brain fog – 87 million deaths per year
4. Adrenal fatique – 62 million deaths per year
5. Wilson’s Thyroid Syndrome – 49 million deaths per year
6. Medical errors by allopathic physicians – 48 million deaths per year
7. Morgellons Syndrome – 18 million deaths per year
8. Engram infestation complex -9 million deaths per year
9. Chi stagnation – 3 million deaths per year
10. High-fructose corn syrup – 913,000 deaths per year

This NCCAM study, which ran from January through December of 2008, involved a randomized, double-blinded, placebo-controlled questionairre which was filled out by nearly 100 Bethesda area 5th and 6th grade students according to lead author and clinical mathologist Harken Marrow. After using a number of complex statistical analyses to arrive at the number of yearly deaths, the final results were voted on at a meeting of the top minds in complentary and alternative medicine. “The science and the math really speak for themselves on this one,” Marrow reveals. “But really it’s all about the science. Science!!!”