Part 2: Predictions for the New Year

January 10, 2013

The National Rifle Association backs dump trucks full of cash up to Congress. Within minutes, lawmakers pass a bill requiring teachers to wear Wild West holsters with twin six-shooters. Subsequently, violence against schools from outsiders drops. However, shootings over who stole whose lunch from the break room refrigerator skyrocket.

A Mayan spokesperson apologizes for getting the date of the end of the world wrong last December: "Duh, it turns out we read our own calendar incorrectly. According to what we now know, the real end of the world will begin when a Kardashian marries Justin Bieber and they move in together with the casts of 'The Jersey Shore' and 'Swamp People.'"

August

Google introduces the world's first "driverless" car - a car that drives itself - to California's freeways. Shortly thereafter, it suffers the first-ever driverless car nervous breakdown and is ticketed for the first-ever case of driverless car road rage.

After summer temperatures across the U.S. reach a sizzling 120 degrees for three weeks running, global warming critics theorize that an orbiting alien spacecraft with a giant magnifying glass is most likely responsible.

September

The Detroit Lions get ready for their season opener prompting President Obama to declare Michigan a federal disaster site. "I see no reason to wait. We've all seen them play," says the president. "This declaration will allow us to fly in emergency supplies of antidepressants before they're needed instead of waiting until after."

In the Sunday opener, the Lions exceed all expectations by becoming the first team in NFL history to lose a game by forgetting to show up. "Sorry," says coach Jim Schwartz. "We thought we had the Monday night game. That one's on me."

October

Twitter is forced to shut down when millions of users suddenly close their accounts after realizing, "Hey wait, this is a really stupid use of my time."

With the holiday shopping season under way, a new Gallup poll shows widespread popular support for the idea of publicly executing people who park their fancy cars diagonally across two parking spots.

November

Hillary Clinton becomes the first candidate to announce a run for the presidency in 2016. The shock wave created by the collective groan of 300 million election-weary people causes tidal waves worldwide.

The Detroit Tigers win the World Series. And I really mean this one. No joke. The Tigers win the whole enchilada. Booyah.

December

In a last-ditch effort to stop the Jan. 1 beginning of Obamacare, the Republican Party hires the Grinch to sled down from Mt. Crumpit and find a way to steal it from the masses. "And while you're at it," says a party operative, "you might as well steal their Who Hash, too."

The attempt fails, however, after the Grinch suffers a small stroke brought on by his heart growing three sizes that day.

EDITOR'S NOTE - Andy Heller, an award-winning columnist, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. Write to Andrew Heller at andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com or follow him on Facebook and Twitter.