Writing for Woman's World Magazine and others. Half critique. Half blog. Half not so hot with math.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Title:
A doggone crime

By
Author Emma Courtice

Appearing in issue #17, April 29,
2013

For sale date: April 13, 2013

Tag line:The detective was leery of giving a criminal the benefit of
the doubt, but maybe this one time…

Police characters: Det. Sgt. Marie DeLuca

The gist:Benny Goyette, aka Benny the Mouse, a well known burglar, was seen by
police leaving the neighborhood where a murder had been committed and was
brought back to the house for questioning. The body of the woman who lived in the house
was still at the scene at this point.Benny
denies killing the woman, claiming when he was in the house there wasn’t anyone
else there. So he doesn’t deny stealing
from this house, but he denies killing the woman. Benny’s MO does not include physical violence
of any kind. The safe in the master
bedroom of the Darwins had been drilled out and a valuable stamp collection and
jewelry had been taken. According to Mr.
Darwin, he and his wife had come home early from a dog show, surprised the burglar,
who then hit both Mr. and Mrs. Darwin over the head with a fireplace
poker.Mrs. Darwin died from her
injuries.Mr. Darwin survived but had a
gash on his head.The Darwins owned a
miniature poodle and the dog was seen by police running through the doggie door
and into the backyard.There were no
fingerprints.There were tool marks on
the door. Benny, who professes to be a pro, said he would never gain entry by
prying open a front door.

This is from the story: “You think I
(Benny speaking) pried open that front door to get in?Ha! Whoever did that was an amateur.I had no need for a pry bar and I can prove
it.”With that he got up from the chair
and strode toward the kitchen and the back door.Before Marie could stop him, he was
gone.And almost as quickly a policeman
marched him back inside.

Crime scene:The Darwin’s home.

Clues:There are no fingerprints.Benny the Mouse doesn’t commit bodily injury crimes.He’s strictly a burglar with a lot of
experience. There are pry marks on the
door, something Benny claims he would never do.If you believe Benny, there wasn’t anyone else in the house when he was
there. Their poodle ran out of the house
through the back door doggie door.

Suspects:The story is all about did Benny hit the couple over the head
with the poker and kill the wife or not.

Red herrings:Not so much red herrings as false information.See below.

Solution:The solution was a full column.Since Benny took pride in his work and
considered himself a pro, he would never leave pry marks on the door.He showed the cops how he got in by going
through the doggie door.When the Darwins
came home to find their house had been burgled Mr. Darwin took the opportunity
to kill his wife with the poker and knock himself in the head to make it look
like the burglar did it.The solution
said the poker did have fingerprints on it…and they belonged to Mr. Darwin.
Also Mr. Darwin used the poker to make pry marks on the door which was a
mistake because the real burglar, Benny the pro, would never have done that.

My two cents:First off, when you have to use a full column (there are only
4 columns to the whole page) to explain the solution, you haven’t set the crime
up well enough.

The author
didn’t make it very clear that Benny left through the doggie door.She
also gave us a false clue when she said there were no fingerprints, when there
were.The author didn’t tell us where
the fatal blow was on the wife.Back of the
head?Front?Where was this gash on Mr. Darwin?Could it have been self inflicted or not? Did he fight the guy?The killer didn’t conk them on the head,
one-two, while they just stood there.Did Benny have any jewelry or stamps on him when he was caught moments
later leaving the neighborhood?Mr.
Darwin witnessed the whole thing, why can’t he identify the killer?No one asked him to give a description of the
killer?None of this makes sense.

Although the
solution took a whole column, the author used almost half a column in the body of the story telling us
about the dog running around the house, and getting out the front door but a
police officer grabbed the dog and got a bite for his troubles, and there was
dog hair in the house, and how the Darwins had come home early from a dog show
for their prize dog….on and on and on.All wasted space.All that adds
nothing to the story.Cut all that
nonsense and give us some good clues, or even red herrings. Benny could have had dog hair on his clothes from going through the doggie door.

This story
was not well thought out.Too much
fooling around with the dog details and not enough setting a good crime
scene.There is no excuse for misleading
the reader by saying they found no fingerprints and then at the end of the long
solution throwing in, oh by the way, Mr. Darwin’s fingerprints were on the
murder weapon.So I guess he conked
himself on the head.I know I felt like
doing that to myself after reading this disaster.

Yes, you have to give Emma credit for breaking through to WW. She's sold before. I didn't care for her last story either... "An old hand" where she tried to make the old lady victim hold onto a RX container through rigor mortus. I got a lot of flak from readers for my comments in that story. I don't find her stories believable, but -- Johnene likes her. And Emma's check cashes just fine. You should try writing a myster...I promise I'll be gentle when you sell your first one. lol

You both not liking the story doesn't matter, WW bought it. That's the important part. Emma Courtice has sold quite a few mysteries to WW over the years so she must have something that appeals to the editors. We also don't know how much editing was done on this story.

Pam, lots of things that are published get poor reviews. Of course it matters what the reader (and that would be the two of us you referenced above) thinks. It is, after all, about more than a paycheck. Emma's writing is not my cup of tea. She's lucky I don't work at WW. I realize a writer can't please everyone. She doesn't please me. And this is my blog. My opinion. Which can't possibly please everyone either. As writers we have to take our lumps.

You are very right about not knowing the amount of editing that was done to Emma's story. It could have been chopped so much it was left in disarray...but do you think Johnene would do that? I don't. She's pretty savvy. For whatever reason the magazine chose that story and they ran with it. We will never know the reason why.

Mom on my porch, doing the same jigsaw puzzle she does every day.

Kayla, my granddaughter. :)

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Want help with your story?

My day job puts me in contact with real cops, detectives, FBI agents and DEA guys. I have worked thousands of cases from the homeless guy on the Metrorail who got arrested for jumping the turnstile -- that’s right, arrested for not having a quarter -- to the Tamiami Strangler, a serial killer who strangled hookers along the famous trail in Miami. I produce court transcripts for a living.

Who better to look at your mystery stories to see if the police procedures are true, the clues are solid and the whole thing works? I will not hesitate to point out the good, the bad and the ugly in your story. Both of my WW mysteries made it to Johnene. From there? Cross your fingers.

The line-by-line edit, which also includes grammar, spelling and proofing, will offer suggestions on how to improve problem spots. The cost is $29 payable by PayPal. 72-hour turn around time.

I’ll also take a second look once you’ve revamped your story, but this time I’ll only look for glaring errors assuming all the details you chose to put in you want to stay in.

Send your story as a Word e-mail attachment to ladyrprter at aol dot com, and the fee to PayPal using ladyrprter at aol dot com for the payee

Your tag line is the hook that gets someone interested in reading your work. It's one of the most important lines of your story. Take time to make it sparkle.

Criminals don't always think the crime through--especially if the crime is one of passion or revenge--but don't have them make stupid or stilly mistakes just to get your story written. Make the mistakes something that you just normally don't think about. Like the pruning skin in this story.

You don't always have to have crime scene details to make a mystery story work. Cozy mysteries sell well if you make the characters interesting.

Once again WW chose a story with a female cop and little old ladies. Just remember to use the proper words for the crimes and before you say things like, he jimmied the lock, understand just what that is.

You've only got 700 words. Make them count. Don't waste words on things that don't matter. And NEVER give a clue and then later in the solution change it to the opposite. That's not fair. Just how is the reader supposed to figure it out then?

There are many ways to lay out the solve-it-yourself story. You don't always have to have the reader guess who the perp is. This week's story was presented with a fresh angle. We knew who did it. The question was did she cover her tracks well enough to fool the police?

As writers we often ask the reader to suspend disbelief a bit, but don't overdo it. Keep it as real as you can or you'll lose the reader.

If you have four suspects, have four good motives. Otherwise what's the point in having four suspects? It is almost a sin to have four suspects and not have even one decent red herring in the bunch. That's just a waste of words.

When the reader expects one situation, and gets another, that's really a form of a red herring. I expected a tired old theory and was given the surprise of a fresh twist. As the reader I was tricked...and that's a good thing.

When you reuse characters be sure to make them interesting and likable. Being cranky is not the same as being interesting. Be careful to not let one of them become mean. It's hard to like someone who calls people names and teases them about their not so glorious past.

Don't introduce a main character too late in the story. The reader feels cheated.

You don't always have to have police involved for a mystery to work. Be realistic if you are going to use animals in your story. Lassie wasn't real.

Write in more than one good motive. Two or three people could have done it, but only one has the means and opportunity to go with that motive.

I realize you only have 700 words to get in your story, but use every one of those words wisely. Don't repeat to fill the space. If your story is really done in 350 words, your story is too simple.

Try not to use the same old tired solutions. We're writers. Come up with something new and interesting. Treat the readers to a challenge. If I see one more muddy footprint on a white carpet...I'm going to hurt somebody.

Readers like to follow the same characters. Once you sell a mystery to WW, try building up a following by using the same police characters in future stories. Do us all a favor though... make them likable.

I know I'm repeating myself (talk about deja vu) but please try your very best to come up with a fresh twist or interesting solution that hasn't been done before. We want WW readers to LOVE this mystery page...not become bored with it.

Don't use too many names in your story. It just confuses the reader. The story this week handled this extremely well. You knew who you were reading about from the character's description. It all flowed well and never pulled the reader out of the story.

A short story is really just a very short novel. The same rules apply. Give us characters we will love and care about. Don't have them doing silly things.

Once again we have someone not acting right. Check your facts. Check your facts. Check your facts. Did I mention you should ALWAYS check your facts? Getting the details right should just be a given.

Make sure the solution makes sense. Common sense. Put yourself in their shoes. What would you do? Think? How would you act? Don't throw in a rotten fish just for smell.

Know the proper use of words. Men don't leer at each other -- generally. lol. Don't make up a silly details to fit your story line. Make sure everything works and people act in character.

UPDATE: Woman's World has changed their rights clause.

Q: It used to be WW had FNSR, first rights with a 6-month clause. Has that changed?

A: Yes. It used to be first serial rights which meant the magazine had the right to be the first place to publish the article/story/ poem in North America (USA and Canada) and after the piece ran, you were free to resell it to another medium or to package a collection of your work into a book.

However in 2014 Bauer Publishing has changed to this:

License to Bauer Publishing for User Content. You grant to Bauer Publishing the unrestricted, unconditional, non-exclusive, unlimited, worldwide, irrevocable, perpetual and royalty-free right and license to host, use, copy, distribute, reproduce, disclose, sell, re-sell, sub-license, display, perform, transmit, publish, broadcast, modify, reformat, translate, archive, store, cache or otherwise exploit in any manner whatsoever, all or any portion of your User Content for any purpose whatsoever in all formats; on or through any media, software, formula or medium now known or hereafter developed; and with any technology or devices now known or hereafter developed and to advertise, market and promote the same.

About Me

Following sixteen years as a travel agent (more travel than money) Jody Lebel switched gears, returned to school and became a court reporter (more money than travel). She swapped jetting off to fun and exotic locations for reporting the cases of murderers, rapists, and thieves who are, by the way, almost never in a good mood. Being assigned to the chief judge in Broward County exposed her to a wide spectrum of cases; from funny to tragic to bizarre to downright creepy. She has reported everything from a homeless guy who had jumped the turnstile on the Metrorail and was now in jail for not having a quarter, to the Tamiami Strangler, a serial killer who murdered six women. ******
Contact me at ladyrprter at aol dot com

Woman's World Info ...

In 1981, Heinrich Bauer Verlag of Hamburg, West Germany, one of Europe's largest magazine publishers, entered America's highly competitive women's service magazine field when it launched the weekly Woman's World. The magazine quickly set itself apart from the rest of the pack. Other women's magazines of the day were mostly thick slick tomes bursting with ads, and featuring articles geared to upwardly mobile readers. Woman's World, on the other hand, offered a high-quality tabloid-style format light on ads that was aimed at middle-class moms who wanted practical advice on food, fashion, parenting, and beauty and health tips. The public soon took notice. Woman's World quickly became the most popular weekly women's magazine in the country.

Today, Bauer Publishing USA, headquartered in Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, is the number one seller of magazines on newsstands in the United States, generating an annual $320 million dollars in single copy revenue. It publishes two of the top five selling titles on the newsstand-Woman's World and In Touch Weekly. For several years running, Woman's World, a fixture at supermarket checkout stands everywhere, was the most popular newsstand magazine of any kind. As it celebrates its 25th anniversary in 2006, Woman's World remains the #1 selling women's publication on newsstands, selling more than 77 million copies in 2004. First for Women, another Bauer publication was second in sales with 25 million. Far back in the pack in third place was Woman's Day, with sales of 16 million newsstand copies.

Woman's World celebrated its 25th year on the newstands in 2006. This weekly publication is the number one newsstand seller with a yearly circulation of well over 84 million. Don't underestimate this little magazine. Woman's World is very popular with middle class women for many reasons. The price is nice, at $1.79 and it has very few ads and none of those annoying subscription cards inside. Every single page is jam packed with information and the romantic fiction and a solve-it-yourself mystery are a nice bonus. The features makes you feel good too.

Woman's World Fiction Guidelines

WOMAN'S WORLD FICTION GUIDELINES Mini mystery guidelines: We purchase short "solve-it-yourself" mysteries of 700 words--a count that includes the narrative and the solution. Stories should be cleverly plotted, entertaining cliffhangers that end with a challenge to the reader to figure out “whodunit” or “howdunit.” The solution to the mystery is provided in a separate box.Robbery, burglary, fraud and murder are acceptable subjects, but spare the readers any gory details or excessive violence, please! We are also not interested in ghost stories, science fiction or fantasy.We pay $500 per mystery and retain all rights after publication.IMPORTANT NOTES:Manuscripts should be double-spaced in legible size type.Where to send manuscripts:

If you have not previously been published by Woman's World magazine: Fiction@WomansWorldMag.com to Patricia Gaddis' attention If you have had a romance or mini-mystery published by Woman's World:FictionPro@WomansWorldMag.com to Patricia Gaddis' attention

Get to know us: Please familiarize yourself thoroughly with our romances and mini mysteries before submitting your work.Be patient: Because we receive a tremendous volume of manuscripts, our turnaround time may range from one to three months. If you still have not heard from us after four months, feel free to submit your manuscript t another publisher. Please do not call or write us to inquire about a manuscript's status.

My track record --

I took Kate Willoughby's workshop on how to write for Woman's World magazine. I highly recommend it. Go to her blogspot site at womansworldstyle.blogspot.com for more info.

Then I sat down and wrote my first romance story for WW. That was in July 2012. It sold in November 2012 and appeared in the December 31st issue.