Pages

Friday, April 29, 2011

Sorry I didn't get this posted last night! I ended up having a really late night with some of my awesome friends from high school. It was a really fun night.So the giveaway. It is a necklace and some earrings. I made both of them, they are so cute though! I really think whoever wins them will love them. If you can't tell the earrings are purple on the bottom.So leave a comment to enter, I will pick a winner on Sunday at 6PM MST! Good luck! :)

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I am half way through the dreaded 2 ww...and let me tell you. I can say with almost 100% certainty this month is not THE ONE! We are trying very hard to get an appointment set with a new doctor, because I am not going through what I went through with this cycle again. I refuse to not have an IUI next month.So, in horrible news, my jeans no longer fit. Man I cannot believe this, but I am back in my Lane Bryant jeans and I just want to CRY. Its weird because I am only about 10 pounds heavier then I was, but I am not fitting in clothes very easy anymore...But in GREAT news! Be on the lookout for my giveaway. And this not just for infertiles, its ANYONE who reads my blog, this will just be a fun thing, not infertility specific. I am probably going to start doing these more regularly, so its a great reason to read my blog! :) So, look for it tomorrow! Wohoooo! :)

Monday, April 25, 2011

I have decided to do a giveaway sometime this week to all my wonderful readers! So stay tuned for that. And please read the blog below! RESOLVE had all infertility bloggers unite to bust myth's about infertility! :)

As I sit here in the middle of all these people I don't know, I intentionally avoid eye contact with everyone. An inner dialogue rages on in my mind. I have heard this dialogue thousands of times before. It always goes something like this:"You don't belong here.""You know they look at you different."or"You have nothing in common with these people."Inevitably someone recognizes I am new here. As they make their way over to me, I feel my suit of armor latch into place, especially protecting my heart. Its been damaged before, so the armor around it is very thick.After the normal pleasantries of where we live, where we are from, and our names, the conversation, like always become more pointed and probing questions into our personal life."How long have you been married?""Seven years.""Any kids?""No, but we are hoping soon.""Oh just relax, and it will happen."There it is. The unsolicited advice. The usually well intentioned, but uneducated advice.In my perfect world, there would be nothing wrong with screaming at them something like this:

"Did you know I have a disease that prevents my body from ovulating? Did you know I have to constantly work on ovulating? Something your body does all on its own, and you don't even have to think about it? That you would NOT be relaxed if you were in my position, that you would be far from it? And you are telling me in all seven years that I have been begging and pleading the universe to send me my own little bundle of joy that I have never been relaxed?? And I wonder, would you say these words to someone who had cancer, a heart problem or someone with diabetes? Just relax and this disease will take care of itself?? No...."

But instead I screw on my fake smile and just nod until they inevitably drift back into the crowd. The crowd where I feel an outcast because I can't join in the conversations of delivery and the trials of raising a child. No. I do not belong here.I use this story to educate other out there. If someone you meet says something similar to you, the best advice is always just to show support and love. How different would this story have ended if this person had said"I hope its soon for you too."Unsolicited advice, no matter the subject, is NEVER welcome. And its never received well.

Quick Facts* Infertility affects approximately 10% of the population.* Only 15 states have a state mandate requiring insurance companies to cover infertility claims. Whereas most insurances will cover a mother giving birth, for all her appointments and delivery. * Every year thousands of these couples spend THOUSANDS of dollars on treatments that may yield no child.* There are far reaching consequences to not building a family (in any way), such as who will take care of you when you are old?? These are questions that run through even the young and childless minds at times.* Couples with infertility feel isolated, alone, and broken most of the time. Even by friends and family. They need to be included the same way as they would be if they had children.

To find out more on infertility and its meaning go to RESOLVE's website here.To learn about RESOLVE's Infertility Week visit here.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

So my gut feeling was right. Showed on the ultrasound today that I ovulated all on my own. Which means no IUI, but we are hoping we have our bases covered anyway. My Dr said its actually better to O on your own instead of having to trigger. He said the outcome is usually better. I have a good feeling, but at the same time, I wonder if I am setting myself up for disappointment if it doesn't happen.Anyways, its just crazy that my body did what it was supposed to! That is so rare with PCOS...normally it just doesn't want to do anything. My Dr also ran some blood tests on me for blood clotting issues, because apparently I forgot to tell him about my sister! But he had me start also on baby Aspirin just to be sure that is not a problem.So prayers are appreciated. I hope its our turn for a healthy sticky baby. But at least this cycle was a good one, no matter the outcome. :)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

This to me is THE most frustrating part of having PCOS, and going through infertility treatments. Because PCOS can cause positive ovulation strips, because the hormone that makes the strips go positive in normal women, is messed up in women with PCOS and can cause positive strips even when you aren't going to ovulate.So, I got a positive yesterday, I am inclined to believe it because of feelings in my uterus area, sore chest, and its around the time my eggs usually are ready to be triggered. Usually I would be having a Doctor's appointment today which is CD 14, but he is closed today, so I will be going in tomorrow. As far as I am concerned based on what I am feeling, we won't be having an IUI this cycle. I really think its to late, he's going to see I already ovulated and we missed our chance. I could be wrong and it wouldn't be the first or the last time, but I have really learned to listen to my body...I am really okay if that is how it turns out, I mean normally I need the trigger shot to get the eggs out because they just don't want to come out. But, it does make me feel like I could be wasting time and money with this doctor since timing is everything with infertility treatments. This has been a really weird cycle anyway, because I didn't have a true AF. It was mostly just spotting. And there is a part of me that wonders if I ended up Oing earlier, because I have been feeling really weird lately. I remember when I was pregnant last year, one of the first things I remember feeling was that there was like a rock in my uterus...and I am feeling that again....but it also could just be my diet has been HORRIBLE lately...Anyhow, guess we will see what the Doctor says tomorrow. I will be sure to update when I know what's going on. :)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Tonight was a rough night, here are 2 projects that led to said rough night.

First to the left, I pulled out all of my "baby" stuff. Most of it was from the last pregnancy. I got a bunch of baby clothes from my sister since she is done with having babies. So I have known for awhile I needed to go through it. Also had my Expecting book, and my 2 maternity shirts I cursed myself by buying (....). The second is a scrapbook page I knew I have wanted to do for about a month now. I needed to document it, and make sure some of my ultrasound pictures were safe. I was very surprised by how hard this still is...even after almost a year. I went down to the basement to pull it all out, and I couldn't catch my breath. I am very melancholy now, which I knew would happen. Its especially hard when we are going through IF treatments again. In less then a week now, I will be heading to the doctor, and for some reason I have a feeling its not going to be good news. But I know that its the name of the game... Just a rough night...and I am so ready for the weekend, I just wish there was going to be SUN. Please Spring come...sometime soon??

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

So I was a relaxed and okay about this cycle. Realizing it might take a few tries before anything happens. But glad to be back to TTC. All the sudden I am on an emotional roller coaster! I have been dreaming about babies, day dreaming about babies, looking at baby clothes sometimes when we go to the store...I am SUPER emotional, which is throwing DH off his groove. I am just chalking it up to how the Femara works, since I think I remember reading it makes you produce more estrogen. But, I really hate this out of control feeling with my emotions. I am so praying that this is the year for a healthy baby for us...it is hard, I will admit, to get my hopes completely up. I am trying hard to be brave and courageous, but its hard. Especially after going through a loss, it takes the innocence of pregnancy away. At least it has for me. Anyhow, 1 week for today we will be finding out what the egg(s) are doing, if there are any. Praying there is, and that we can time the IUI well (this has been a problem with my Dr). Have a wonderful rest of the week readers! :)

Monday, April 11, 2011

Sometimes I get so into documenting my infertility journey, (and complaining about it!) that I forget that most of you don't even really know ME. Like the real me. So here are just some fun things you might or might know about me.

#1 I am the youngest of 5, I only have one sister the rest are brothers. I am an aunt of 17 (almost 18) nieces and nephews. They are some of the best parts of my life.

#2 I only kissed one boy in my whole life. I have only had one boyfriend my whole life. I have only held hands with one boy in my whole life. That would be my wonderful hubby.

#3 I love to laugh. I love to be silly, and say the most random things. I also love to make faces in pictures.

#4 I love Disneyland and everything Disney related. If we don't have kids in the next few years, we will be moving to California and becoming Annual Pass holders.

#5 I love video games, especially RPG's. My favorite RPG is Kingdom Hearts (of course). I love to play video games with my hubby, even though it can get crazy because we are both very competitive. :)

Well that's a little bit about me. Hopefully it helps you all to get to know me better. I will try to do some of these a little more often, just so you can all get to know me besides knowing I'm an infertile.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Monday, April 4, 2011

Now that our vacation is over, I am looking at starting the infertility road and I am just overwhelmed by the emotions that I have been experiencing. There is a lot of fear and anxiety. A lot of memories of the miscarriage last year. Feelings of guilt that I have gained weight, and that I haven't been very good about taking some of my meds lately. Also just so much fear that this process won't result in another pregnancy. That last year was just some crazy miracle that will never happen again. There is hope, but really more anxiety then anything else.CD 1 is just about here...I will keep you all posted. :)

DISCLAIMER:

This blog is true to its title. These posts are unedited. They are raw, sometimes painful, and maybe even seem downright rude to some people. This is therapy for myself. I make no excuse for being human, and what you see here will be the truth of my emotions. Nothing more, nothing less. Please also be advised that this blog is being reopened as someone going through SECONDARY infertility. So please proceed at your own discretion.