Thursday, February 26, 2015

After she told me she's my secret admirer we had a long talk about race, racism, and us. Our conversation lasted hours. I admitted to her that the reason I broke things off with her is because she's a white woman. She told me she already suspected as much, but she'd grown to love me anyway. She told me she couldn't just let me go and she thought about me all the time despite herself. I admitted she often crossed my mind as well.

When all was said and done we made love....for the first time.

It was beautiful.

I know I'm going against the grain. I'm know I'm going against everything I've believed up until this point. However, I want this woman. I've wanted her from the moment I set eyes on her. I'm happy she's mine...

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Today I bought $150.00 in cosmetics. Why? Because I recently became interested in makeup. I've been studying Youtube videos to learn how to apply foundation, eye shadow, blush, etc. I've discovered a lot of skilled and wonderful black women who are GREAT makeup artists....

I know what you're thinking....it only took damn near 30 years for this to happen, but yes, the feminine tomboy has discovered the wonders of makeup. Honestly, I discovered the wonders of makeup 12 years ago on prom night. I love the way it made me look then and I love the way it makes me look now. I've just been fighting the impulse to become a "girly girl" up until this point.

This might have something to do with the fact that I've been rocking this old fashioned Dorothy Dandridge look with my dreads and I've been getting compliments left and right...

By the way, next month makes 1 year I've been in this lock journey. Congratulate me!

Needless to say I'm feeling real good about myself right now.

Anyway, I ventured out to a few stores to purchase some makeup. I discovered something that both disappointed me and intrigued me. Generally speaking, black women, no matter our skin tone, don't have a huge variety of products available to us. I seriously struggled to find a foundation that matched my caramel skin tone. I ended up settling for a caramel colored foundation that was advertised under Queen Latifah's Cover Girl line. I was extremely disappointed with the blush and eye shadow that was available. None of it seemed to be quite what I was looking for as a black woman.

I remember reading something in Black Enterprise Magazine not too long ago about black cosmetics. There was an article that mentioned Fashion Fair is the largest (and perhaps most successful) black cosmetics line on the market. I find that funny because when I think of Fashion Fair I consider it my grandmother's line of cosmetics. I honestly don't know anyone under 50 who uses it. Everybody I know gets their cosmetics from the Mac counter.

This whole process of finding the right cosmetics got me thinking: Why hasn't anyone come up with better products for black women? Surely this is a goldmine...just waiting for the right person. I began doing my research and I ran across a few very interesting facts that aren't very surprising (i.e., black women spend more money on cosmetics than anyone else). The budding entrepreneur in me snapped to attention. This could be the thing I've been looking for....a product I can actually create!

I want your opinion on the cosmetics industry. I have created a survey. It is completely anonymous. Please take time out of your day to complete it. Click HERE.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Yesterday, I received a bouquet of roses and a large teddy bear from a secret admirer. This gift was delivered to my door by a man who works for the company that puts together such arrangements. There was a card included and it reads:

Happy Valentine's Day!

-A Secret Admirer

I spent the entire day yesterday trying to figure out who might have sent it. There are a few possibilities and I tried to do a process of elimination to determine who it might be...

Chocolate: It could be her but we haven't spoken to each other in months.

Yellow Bone: I doubt it's her. We agreed to just be friends.

Caramel: It could be her but I made it clear we are fuck buddies only.

Sapphire: It could be her....that's all I got to say about her for right now.

My twenty year old fuck buddy: I have yet to write about her on this blog, but to sum it up, she asked me to be her first....and well I gave her what she wanted. I've been running through that pussy ever since. If I had to guess she is most likely my secret admirer....good sex will turn anybody out.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Today is my grandma's birthday. Had she lived she would have been 87 years old today. I'm ashamed of myself because I didn't remember her birthday until 20 minutes ago. I went a whole day without remembering it. I guess you naturally begin to forget important dates like birthdays when the individual in question is dead. Even still, I feel like crying...

Sunday, February 8, 2015

White people: We don't want blacks in our neighborhoods, at our jobs, or anywhere around us.

Black people: We want to integrate with whites. We are okay with whites representing us in city hall. We are okay with whites owning the businesses in our community, and controlling our community. We don't want a separate nation for black people.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Right about now the world is talking about Bobbi Kristina and her near drowning in the bathtub like her mother, Whitney Houston. The news is quite tragic. By all accounts, Bobbi Kristina is brain dead and being kept alive by a machine. There is nothing surprising about this news. After all, that poor child never quite looked right when her picture was taken BEFORE and AFTER Whitney's death.

I can't begin to imagine what life was like for Bobbi Kristina growing up. Her parents were dysfunctional. There is no doubt about that. Both Bobby and Whitney abused drugs (Whitney apparently more so than Bobby). On top of that they were rich.

If we are to believe the media reports, Bobbi Kristina inherited 25 million dollars after Whitney Houston died (she was named her ONLY heir). I don't know if Whitney had the foresight to set up any type of trust for her daughter, or if she willed Bobbi Kristina all the money all at once, but clearly it was not enough to ease the pain. I can only imagine that shitty Lifetime movie about Whitney pushed Bobbi Kristina over the edge and the poor girl decided to end it all.

This whole situation got me thinking about Whitney Houston. If you've been following this blog you should know I LOVE Whitney Houston. She was my first crush. She's the only celebrity I can honestly say I grieved after she died. I even based one of my characters on Whitney. Mollica from Sweat is based on her. In my mind, Whitney Houston circa 1992 was everything a black woman should be: talented, beautiful, charming, and classy (yes, I know this was a crafted imagine, but I'm just saying). Her death and decline will ALWAYS be one of the most painful things for me to think about

Last night as I sat browsing the internet I did a Google search for Whitney Houston. I kept running across a shit load of articles about Whitney's sexual orientation and rumors about her being a lesbian. Most of the articles speculated that Whitney turned to drugs and alcohol to deal with the pain she felt about having to hide her "true" sexuality. According to the folks writing these articles, Whitney spent her entire career living a lie. She supposedly loved women, but due to her fame, success, and homophobia she denied her "true" self and turned to drugs. She married Bobby Brown to keep the lie alive.

I'm not sure I believe these theories. On one hand, if Whitney really was gay it would explain my strong love and attraction for her. On the other hand, Whitney herself has denied being gay (though this too could be another lie from her).

Still, I've always wondered WHY Whitney chose to do drugs. People don't just wake up and decide to become drug addicts. Usually there is something internal going on fueling the drug usage. From the outside looking in Whitney appeared to have it all. Why would she do drugs? In this regard, I'm willing to accept the theory that she was living a lie with her sexuality.

Imagine being a young beautiful, talented, black woman. She was considered the best and a credit to her race. Her image was one of grace and style. She was molded to personify the "girl next door." She was one of the few black women to achieve crossover success that appealed to people outside of the black community. She has all the money she can spend, all the power she can flex, and all the fame she could ever want. However, there is a side of herself that she keeps buried because she knows her family, her mother, her church, her community and the rest of the world will never accept that side of her. She's lonely, but true love, the love she actually wants, alludes her because of who/what she is to the rest of the world.

That's a lot to cope with....and assuming it really was Whitney's life...I can't blame her for wanting to numb the pain.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this for two days now. I think I've finally found the inspiration I needed to sit down and write my first full length "lesbian" novel. I'm going to write a story about a R&B superstar who is living a lie due to homophobia in the black community etc.

About Me

Life is not simple for a black woman who identifies as a lesbian. I come here to freely express myself. This blog is about my life and my take on the world around me. I'm funny, old-fashioned, selfish, stubborn, loving, caring, romantic and a real asshole at times.

Anything else you wanna know...ask!

Feel free to comment, but don't expect my opinion to match yours. If you wanna chat email me at lezintellect@gmail.com.

If you have a question click the "Ask Me Anything" button at the top of the blog and visit my formspring HERE. If you wanna hate turn around and walk away. I don't have time for haters.