Category: Advices

Maybe you’re in a relationship trough – arguments and hassle or disconnection and silent parallel lives. Of maybe it’s less major: your husband leaves his socks on the floor and it drives you nuts, or your wife doesn’t help you get the kids to bed.

Big or small you have a few options. You could try and sort this out on your own (you’ve probably already tried that); do nothing and see if it somehow gets better (probably not), or you could take the plunge and go see a professional – a couple therapist (a decidedly better if somewhat scary idea). Where the therapist has a leg up over the other options is a couple of things. One is perspective – she is looking at your relationship from the outside, rather than in the emotionally stuck middle that you are undoubtedly in. Not only does this make it easier for her to be a voice of reason and reality, but she can also see the greater gestalt that up close you cannot. But the other big advantage is that she probably thinks about relationship problems and solutions a bit differently than you might.

And that may be your 4th option – try thinking like her. While there are orientations and different styles to therapy here are 10 top tips for thinking like a relationship therapist:

Broken Relationship #1.Think patterns not people. When thinking about relationship problems it’s easy to think in terms of people, specifically who is right, who is wrong, who is screwed up, and who is really screwed up. This isn’t usually helpful and only leads to a blame game. Instead of people, think patterns. A does something, this triggers B, who in turn triggers A, then B. Some patterns are beneficial and help us stay sane and stable, others are neutral habit, but some are capable and and of body damage.

The therapy mantra is that the pattern is more powerful than the people. (Try sitting in someone else’s seat at dinner tonight and see what happens — just make sure all the knives are out of sight). So rather than wasting your time worrying about who is right, use it to decode and try the dysfunctional pattern. Once you do, change it. A good way to do it is to talk about it (the pattern) rather than the people: “I notice that a lot of times that when if I ask if you could pick up your socks you say you will but then don’t, and then I get annoyed and nag you and then you blow up. I’m wondering if we can do this differently.” But even if you can’t do that, for whatever reason, just try changing it and if you can let the other person know your intentions: “I’m doing this because I’m worried that ________.” The beauty of patterns is that if you hold your ground the pattern has to change. You, all by yourself become the change agent of the relationship. Certainly a good and important start.

Broken Relationship #2.Think adult. This is another way of thinking about #2. Adult here means being responsible with your emotions – using them as information rather than spraying them around the room. It is about being responsible in action – not harming others or misbehaving. It is about being responsible for your problems – that is, you ultimately need to deal with and fix them rather than expecting others to do it for you. It is realizing that it isn’t always about you; it is not taking everything so personally; it is understanding that the other guy may be struggling inside in his or her own way. It is about being reasonable. It is …well, acting like an adult.

Most of us are generally able to pull off being adult at work, or when we’re in a good mood. Trouble happens when we’re at home, when the mood is sour. It’s then that we’re apt to slip into feeling like a 10 year-old and get all sulky or angry or powerless. As soon you realize you’re slipping into that 10 year-old feeling (and you know when you are), it’s time to remind yourself that you, regardless of how you feel right now, are a grown up, and map out in your mind what a responsible adult may do. Sure, there’s an element of “faking it till you make it,” but by doing your best to adhere to an adult stance you can gradually train yourself (actually your brain) to feel empowered rather than frightened or small. It’s a matter of changing and catching it; with practice the catch and change will become easier, more automatic.

Broken Relationship #3. Think support. You can make changes on your own but it is a lot easier with support. Obvious support are people in your corner – your friend who encourages you, your mother who calls up and asks how you’re doing, a therapist who coaches from the sidelines and keeps you on track. But it can also come from reading and learning more about relationship change, from the online support of others dealing with the same problems. Or even from within you. Take the time to notice not failure but success, not doing it right, but taking risks. Pat yourself on the back hard and often.

Broken Relationship #4. Think of problems as bad solutions. Whatever you see as a problem – the socks on the floor, the lack of sex, your partner’s anger – ask yourself how it may be a bad solution to some other problem underneath. You want to be curious about the driving impulse. You don’t have to have the answer but you need to raise the question: “Help me understand why you leave your socks on the floor;” “We haven’t made love in a long time – how come?” And because anger is often driven by worry and fear– ask “What are you worried about?” rather than “Why are you so pissed off?”. What is important that you sound calm when you ask the questions – like Mr. Rogers. If you sound angry or irritated, expect shut down or anger back.

Broken Relationship #5. Think present not past. When you are struggling in a relationship, it’s easy for your mind to automatically scan through the past, collecting further evidence of injustices and mistreatment. It may give you fuel for futile arguments, but will do nothing to solve the problem and will only further drag you down.

Instead try to focus on the present. Push aside the temptation to go down that history road and zero in on the here and now – the current problem, your current worry, the present: What can you do now?

Broken Relationship #6. Think behavior not emotion. Many of us falsely believe that we need to feel like it to do it, which means if we don’t feel like it, we won’t or can’t. But if you keep doing the same thing you will keep feeling the same way. Don’t wait for your feelings to change, do something and then your feelings will eventually catch up.

Behavior is the key in creating change because, unlike emotions and often even thoughts, behavior is the one aspect of ourselves that we can truly control. Action gets you out of the emotional mud and is an excellent antidote to depression and feeling trapped. So give your partner a hug 5 times a day whether you feel like it or not and see if it doesn’t change the emotional climate in the house.

Broken Relationship #7. Think small, think success. The hug is actually a good place to start. Because change creates anxiety, both change and anxietyare best tolerated in smaller doses. Because the goal is the break patterns, to do it different, rather than doing it Right, you don’t need to think make-over or major campaign. Instead you simply want to step outside your comfort zone and take concrete steps, however small, that you can successfully do. So try the hug, and if that seems too tough, start with ramping up compliments or writing a note letting the other know how you have been feeling just to get things rolling.

And should even these small steps seem too overwhelming to take within the relationship, try building up your skills and confidence in easier environs. If, for example, you are trying to be more positive or more open or more assertive, road-test these behaviors with friends, strangers or coworkers where there are less emotional triggers to derail you. Once you get your sea legs there you can move on to the heavies like your partner or parents.

Broken Relationship #8. Think how not what. Therapists tend to divide communication into 2 parts: Content – the what – and process – the how. In an argument about Tuesday vs. Wednesday the facts you line up to make your case about Tuesday are content; the fact that you are both getting upset and arguing is the process.

The rule here is that process is always trumps content. When emotions heat up the problem in the room is the emotions, not whatever you are arguing about. Unfortunately when emotions kick in, we’re tempted to ramp up the content as a way of dealing with emotions – you want to get the other person to understand,damn it, and you’re likely tempted to fight to the death to make your point. Anything you say at this point is like throwing gasoline on a fire — it’s likely to be misheard, misinterpreted.

Put out the fire by focusing directly on the process, the emotions and actions – we’re beginning to argue, I’m starting to feel angry. Fix the emotion — your anger– by deep breathing and calming yourself down, by walking away. Do your best to stay out of the weeds of content; if you don’t you’ll wind up talking about Christmas ’08 again, and you know where that leads.

But process too follows patterns. You and your partner each have your own ways of dealing with tension and conflict. Your overall way of handling stress and emotions – withdrawal, anger, passive accommodation – your modus operanti, so to speak — invariably and consistently triggers the M.O. of the other person, which in turn fuels yours. Quickly you both get into a negative loop that becomes your combined standard way of dealing with conflict and tension — anger / withdraw, withdraw / withdraw, anger / anger, etc. Your goal again is to break the pattern.

The easiest way to do this to try doing the opposite of your instincts – if you tend to withdraw, try stepping up and speaking up; if you get angry, calm down and listen; if you accommodate, figure out what you really want and say it rather than walking on eggshells. Again your behavioral-emotional change will encourage the other to do the same.

Broken Relationship #9. Think you. In case you haven’t noticed, all these suggestions involve you, not the other guy. The stance that most couples enter counseling with is: “I have a problem with you and as soon as you change (or I or the therapist can get you to change), I’ll feel better.” This doesn’t work. All you both wind up doing is fighting over who should change, creating a futile power struggle.

Skip the drama, the playing victim, the manipulation. Again be adult. Think about you, what you can do to fix the problem. Yes, do your best to let the other person know what you need and what he can concretely do to make things better, but then get to work. Have some tunnel vision, buckle down and do what you can to make the situation and problem better without keeping score, tallying up martyr points, without any expectations on the other. Again, since the focus is on changing patterns, if you do your part the best you can, things will begin to change.

Broken Relationship #10. Think effort not outcome. There is that inspirational saying that you see in the hallways of businesses: Good decision come from experience and experience comes from making bad decisions. Mastering life and relationships is a long process of experimentation and elimination. Life isn’t Ready, Aim, Fire; it’s Ready, Fire, Aim. Try something – with mindfulness, clear intentions and a good heart — see what happens, adjust and try again. That’s always the best you can do, and don’t waste your time and energy with internal scolding or heavy-hearted regret. On any given day you’re always doing the best you can.

Hopefully these tips give you something to work with, that you will find something that can help you approach your relationship problems in a different way. You don’t have to be Freud, you don’t have to do it all at once; instead see which of these ideas catch your attention. Then pick a situation, a pattern, a problem, and map out a different approach, a concrete behavior that you can put into place. Start small. Focus on you. One change will lead to another.

It takes 13 milliseconds to determine if someone is hot, which, really, works both to your advantage and disadvantage. Of course it’s easier when you’re at a party or bar to determine the girl you want to spend your time hitting on. But it also means women are judging you in less than one split-second. So what can you do to make sure you’re looking good during that critical first impression?

1. Smile Slower

As a general rule, smiling makes you more attractive when you’re looking directly at someone, according to this article from Psychological Science. So when you’re facing someone, smile. That said, ladies, smile. Guys… well, think twice.

While happiness is one of the most attractive female emotional expressions, it’s one of the least attractive in males; in contrast, pride is shown to be the most attractive male expression, and one of the least attractive in women, according to this paper.

Want to improve your smile? Smile slower. It’s proven to be perceived as more authentic.\

2. Act Confident

Guys, you need to move right, keep cool (women find low-stress men much more attractive, since this trait signifies the ability to be calm in times of crisis, says this study) and be confident (contrary to what you may think, being humble actually makes you seem less confident and more weak, according to the journal Psychology of Men & Masculinity). And you know those obnoxious jerks who constantly lift weights, show off their fancy cars and throw lots of money around? Well, this study says that stuff works. At least for one-night stands; if you’re looking for a woman you’ll want to spend more than one night with, of course, we wouldn’t recommend it.

3. Emphasize Your Height

Sorry to break it to you, bud, but if you’re shorter than average you’ll have to earn $175,000 a year more than your six-foot-tall competition in order to have the same cachet with women, according to The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love, Character, and Achievement by David Brooks. The upside? You don’t have much to worry about if you’re tall. And there are always invisible heels.

4. Keep Your Voice Deep

Guys: Keep your voice deep and dominant. Not only is it more attractive to women, but it’s also a strong predictor of the number of sexual partners you’ve had, says this paper (which, let’s be honest, women pay close attention to as an indicator of your abilities). Also of note, men are subconsciously more attracted to women with more feminine voices (perceived as more flirtatious). Don’t let that sweet voice get your brain all mixed up, now…

5. Keep Your Chin Up

Yes, both in the sense of encouragement (we’ve already seen that women like happy, non-stressed men) as well as in the purely physical act of literally looking upwards. But could it really be this simple? This study shows that male faces tilted up were judged to be more masculine, and tilted down judged to be less masculine. So it can’t hurt you with the ladies.

6. Grow Stubble

Guys with stubble seem smarter and more sociable, after thousands of photos were uploaded and judged by users — and since sociability is related to confidence and women like confident women, it also means you’ll be perceived as more attractive to women. If you don’t believe us, a study published in Evolution and Human Behavior found that women prefer men with beards — specifically, 10-day-old beards. And if you’re trying to nail down “the one,” men with full-beards were perceived as better and more protective fathers. Lastly, women actually rated smooth faces as the least attractive.

7. Wear Red

Different color clothing says different things about you; studies show red seems to mean sex. It makes men more attractive to women. It makes women more attractive to men. It even helps hitchikers get picked up. According to this paper, wearing red also makes women perceive men as higher-status than they may actually be, which is in turn attractive; however, the influence of red appears to be specific to women’s romantic attraction to men — the color doesn’t influence men’s perceptions of other men. So, unfortunately, you won’t get any closer to that promotion by wearing that red sweater you’ve got in the bottom of your closet.

8. Get Your Sleep

Beauty sleep? Yeah, it’s real. Get some. Sleep-deprived people appear less healthy, less attractive and more tired compared with when they’re well-rested, according to this study. So if you’re wondering why you’re not getting any numbers this weekend, it’s probably because you’re better off going home, sleeping it off, and trying again the next night. The girls you’re going for are more sensitive to your sleep-related facial cues than you think, my friend.

9. Bring A Less Attractive Friend

Is none of this helping? Here’s a trick that doesn’t ask you to change anything about yourself: Bring along a friend who has your basic physical characteristics (similar skin color, body type, facial features), but is slightly less attractive than you. It works. Just, maybe, don’t tell him why you’re bringing him along…

I think that you never fall out of love with somebody, you just let go and move on.

Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.

There’s an important difference between giving up and letting go.

The most difficult aspect of moving on is accepting that the other person already did.

Pain will leave you, when you let go.

I think every girl has that a guy she has trouble letting go of.

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.

Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?

I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It’s okay if you have to leave us. It’s okay if you want to stop fighting.

If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.

I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but to move forward.

The truth was, he now belonged only to my past, and it was time I begin to accept it, as much as it hurt to do so.

I’m guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I’m done, I’m done.

Letting go. Everyone talks about it like it’s the easiest thing. Unfurl your fingers one by one until your hand is open. But my hand has been clenched into a fist for three years now; it’s frozen shut.

“It’s time, Perry”. He let her go. She took a step back, taking in his face one last time. His green eyes. The bend in his nose and the scars on his cheek. All the tiny inperfections that made him beautiful. Without a word, she turned and made her way downhill.

The art is not one of forgetting but letting go. And when everything else is gone, you can be rich in loss.

If you want to fly on the sky, you need to leave the earth. If you want to move forward, you need to let go the past that drags you down.

The best skill at cards is knowing when to discard.

No matter how bad you want a person, if your hearts are in two different places, you’ll have to pass and move on.

It’s you who has to hold on to earth. You have to tighten your grip—which means letting go of him.

It is by giving the freedom to the other, that is by letting go, we gain our own freedom back.Accept the fact that you will grow apart from people you’ve had significant relationships with. Understand when someone no longer positively affects your life. Let them go. Don’t hinder your growth

The person who doesn’t value you is blocking you from the one who will. Let them go.

Friends are one of the pillars of life. They play an important role in your happiness, and a life without friends is a sad and lonely affair. Having someone who understands you and respects your emotions is a blessing and hence, it is natural that you want to have them around you.

A situation may arise when you have to stay away from our friends. But the fact is that the distance between the two of you cannot affect your friendship. Long Distance Friendship quotes and Long Distance Relationship Quotes convey exactly the same feeling one gets when he or she is separated from best friends for some reason.

To help you express your feelings to your friend and tell him that the bond you both share transcends time and space, here are some most perfect quotes on friendship.

If distance were measured in terms of the heart we’d never be more than a minute apart.

Distance does not matter if two hearts are loyal to one another.

Long distance relationship are like wind to a fire; it puts out the small ones, but inflames the big ones.

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit.

Remember, the greatest gift is not found in a store nor under a tree, but in the hearts of true friends.

I wish that you were here or that I were there, or that we were together anywhere.

So what if the distance is too long? What matters is that we have the courage of love to cover any distance which dares to separate us.

Even if you are far away, you are always close to my heart. It’s good that we are far away because we learn the patient to wait for each other.

I just want to hug you, but your are 480 some miles away, what I wouldn’t do for a hug.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it sure makes the rest of you lonely.

Do you want to have Long distance relationship ? You can read some advices here

1. Avoid excessive communication.
It is unwise to be overly “sticky” and possessive. You two don’t really have to communicate 12 hours a day to keep the relationship going. Many couples thought that they need to compensate for the distance by doing more. This is not true. And it might only make things worse. Soon you would get tired of “loving.” Remember: Less is more. It is not about spamming — you are only going to exhaust yourselves. It’s really about teasing at the right moments and tugging at the right spots.

2. Set some ground rules to manage your expectations.

Both of you need to be clear with what you expect of with each other during this long distance relationship. Set some ground rules so that none of you will do things that will take the other party by surprise. For instance, are you two exclusive? Is it alright for the other person to go on dates? What is your commitment level? It’s better to be open with each other about all these things.

3. See it as a opportunity.
“If you want to live together, you first need to learn how to live apart.” – Long distance relationship advice

View it as a learning journey for the both of you. See it as a test of your love for each other. As the Chinese saying goes, “Real gold is not afraid of the test of fire.” Instead of thinking that this long distance relationship is pulling you two apart, you should believe that through this experience, the both of you will be bound together even stronger.

As Emma says it to Will in season four of Glee,

“I would rather be here, far from you, but feeling really close, rather than close to you but feeling really far away.” – Long distance relationship advice

4. Snail-mail it!
Mail each other postcards and hand-written love letters. Send each other gifts across the globe from time to time. Flower deliveries on birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day. Shop online and surprise each other with cool T-shirts, sexy underwears and such.

5. Do things together.

Play an online game together. Watch a documentary on YouTube or Vimeo at the same time. Sing to each other on Skype,Facetime while one of you plays the guitar. “Take a walk together” outside while video-calling each other. Go online-shopping together — and buy each other gifts (See #13). You really have to be creative and spontaneous about it.

6. Avoid “dangerous” situations.
If you already know that going to the club or going drinking with your group of friends late at night will displease your partner, then you should either 1. Not do it or 2. Tell your partner beforehand so as to reassure him/her. Don’t be careless about this sort of matter because your partner is only going to be extra worried or extra suspicious, and of course, very upset, because you are putting him/her in a position where he/she feels extra powerless/lacking in control.

Also, It could be easy for you to fall into the trap which you, unconsciously or not, set up for yourself by “hanging out” with your office eye-candy after work, or going out with a girl or guy from your past who has been flirting with you. You need to recognize the dangers before entering into the situation. Don’t just listen to your heart. Listen to your mind too.

7. Make visits to each other.
Visits are the highlight of every long distance relationship. After all the waiting and yearning and abstinence, you finally get to meet each other to fulfill all the little things like kissing, holding hands, etc. which are all common to other couples but so very special and extra intimate for people in long distance relationships. It will be like fireworks, glitter bombs, confetti, rainbows and butterflies everywhere.

8. Do similar things.
Recommend books, TV shows, movies, music, news and etc. to each other. When you read, watch and listen to the same things, you get to have more topics in common to talk about. This is a good to create some shared experiences even though you are living apart.

9. Have a goal in mind.
“What do we want to achieve at the end of the day?” “How long are we going to be apart?” “What about the future?” These are the questions you two need to ask yourselves. The truth is, no couple can be in a long distance relationship for forever. Eventually we all need to settle down.

So make a plan with each other. Do up a timeline, marking down the estimated times apart and times together, and draw an end goal. It is important that you two are on the same page and have the same goals. So that even if you are not living in the same space and the same timezone, both of you are still working together in the same direction towards a future that includes one another.