Blog

When You Can’t Get Closure

How to move forward after conflict.

Posted Aug 15, 2018

Resolving a conflict is easy if both parties recognize each other’s perspectives. The acknowledgment of that understanding is a game changer. Authentic apologies for sentiments spoken in anger and frustration flow effortlessly if each person feels heard and understood regarding why they feel the way they do. In fact, the actual resolution of the conflict seems less important when both parties feel listened to and have acquired new insight about one another.

Yet, there are a number of people in the world who have trouble seeing an alternate perspective if it differs from theirs. Instead, they continually repeat their own perspective, refusing to consider the other party's viewpoint on the grounds that they are right and the other person is wrong. This is frustrating. Life is not black and white and neither are relationships.

Moreover, when one person attempts to understand the other person’s perspective and the effort to understand is not reciprocated, it causes frustration and escalates the conflict. Often, the individual who is unable to entertain a perspective that differs from theirs distorts and broadcasts the data they’ve collected during the conflict, attempting to paint the other party as the “bad guy.”

Thus, the conundrum. Not only is closure out of the question in this scenario, which zaps a person's peace for weeks, but a person is unfairly framed as the villain. In essence, one individual in the relationship is punished for daring to disagree and having an opinion/feeling of their own. Ugh.

article continues after advertisement

Many clients initiate therapy because they are stuck in this painful position. Good natured people who simply want to feel understood and are capable of truly putting themselves in someone else's shoes are left feeling ashamed, confused, angry, and alienated.

What should a person do?
1. Recognize the person’s character limitations and refrain from banging your head against the wall. Do not attempt to explain yourself any further because the other person will never get it. In addition, this person may distort this material and use it against you.
2. Accept that you will not get closure. This is the power that the interpersonally impaired person wields. They refuse to resolve conflict productively, intentionally leaving the other party feeling uneasy about it for weeks.
3. Distance yourself from this person. Do not sever the relationship, but rather keep the correspondence light and fluffy. Getting close to someone who is incapable of productively resolving conflict is like kissing someone with mononucleosis. It's not smart.
4. Invest in your own life. Continue moving forward. Cancel out the gossip the party spreads about you by putting love and compassion into the world.

article continues after advertisement

As a parent, raising a child who can resolve conflict productively is important. Be certain that during a conflict or power struggle, you are upholding the rules and expectations while acknowledging you understand your child's perspective. For example:

“I understand that you want to go to Jenny's lake house. You don't want to be the only one not going. I get it. It is super hard to feel left out. But Jenny’s parents are not going to be there the entire time, and if an accident happens, there is no adult there to help. You have every right to be mad at me, but I love you and it's my job to keep you safe.”

If a child experiences a parent understanding their perspective during a conflict, they acquire the ability to do it too. Understanding another person’s perspective, allows you to remain close to the ones you love and grow in ways you never thought possible.

Teens are more susceptible to the negative impact of social media than other age groups because of 2 developmental vulnerabilities: 1)Identity formation— because of increased independence, a teen is trying to figure out who they are in the world. Naturally, when they are grappling with this issue, they instinctively compare themselves to others, which is […]

As a child and adolescent psychotherapist, I was invited to a local high school to speak to parents about perfectionistic kids. Kids who are obsessed with good grades, high GPAs, perfect performances, etc. Although these kids seem like dreamy kids from a distance—great grades, hard working, and well behaved, they are actually a handful. Ridden […]

Jimmy is a silly, skinny, blue-eyed, 9 year old boy, who barely tips the scales at 48 pounds. “I can practically spit through him,” my dad says on a regular basis. Although Jimmy showed promise on the house league baseball team last spring, his performance didn’t cause anyone to spill their beer. When his BFF, […]

As a child therapist, the most common complaint I hear from parents is, “He just won’t talk to me.” Feeling estranged from your child can be painful for both you and your child. Research indicates the most important predictor of a child’s emotional and psychological stability is the closeness of the parent/child relationship. If the […]

Every school in the United States is battling a bullying epidemic. The compilation of nation wide surveys completed since 1986, indicate an ever growing trend of entitlement ingrained in America’s youth(Reuters 2010). Why? It is the result of parents continually and constantly confuse sympathy with empathy. When a parent incorporates sympathy instead of empathy, they […]

Helping Your Child With Back To School Anxiety Major transitions are difficult for kids. Adults underestimate the anxiety a major change can arouse in a child. Although returning to school is exciting, it also induces anxieties that are sometimes difficult to quell. If a child is dealing with these anxieties on their own, they can […]

As discussed, emotional closeness and empathy are the two entities that bring about contentment, peace, and joy. Both alleviate depression and dissipate anxiety, improving the quality of life for both parent and child. Because empathy is an important theme, the origins of empathy are helpful for a parent to understand. A child’s experience of empathy […]

Jimmy is a silly, skinny, blue-eyed, 9 year old boy, who barely tips the scales at 48 pounds. “I can practically spit through him,” my dad says on a regular basis. Although Kenny showed promise on the rec league baseball field last spring, his performance didn’t cause anyone to spill their beer, and when and […]

A Child Psychotherapist’s Tips for Helping Parents Turn Their Child’s Big Worries Into Small Ones When I greet a child in my office for the first time, I ask if they know why they are coming to see me. Children typically say, “ I don’t remember” or “I forgot” or “because I got in trouble […]

All information provided is provided for information purposes only and does not constitute a legal contract between Dr. Erin Leonard, PhD. and any person or entity unless otherwise specified. Information is subject to change without prior notice. Although every reasonable effort is made to present current and accurate information, LinkNow!™ Media makes no guarantees of any kind.