I am losing my mind with laundry. I don’t understand why my children take off their pants and underwear in one move, so that the underwear is stuck inside the pants and I then have to separate them while I do laundry. And also socks. Why must they throw them, balled up, into the basket and then I have to unball (?) their disgusting stinky socks. GOD!

Signed,

Laundry Wench

_________________

Dear Laundry Wench,

Remember those halcyon days when you were first pregnant? When all of the books and movies you saw showed the joys of new motherhood and how beautiful life with a sweet baby was going to be? Yes? You do?

Well, lady, it was all a total crock.

Because what nobody tells you about motherhood is that immediately after your epidural wears off, you’ll suddenly find yourself stuck in a 20+ year abusive relationship with a Maytag washing machine. Not to mention his evil sock eating cohort, the f*cking dryer. And, baby, I hate to break it to you, but there ain’t nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide. Yo ass gonna be stuck in that laundry room til they ship you off to the funny farm for licking Bounce dryer sheets and shotgunning Tide straight out of the bottle. (Bottoms up!)

However, the good news is it still might be possible to make your indentured servitude a little less painful—if you put a few Laundry Rules in place. Rules such as:

First Rule: All underwear must be removed from pants before placing into hamper or the offender will be charged $1.00 per tighty whitey.

Second Rule: All socks must be de-balled before placing into hamper or the offender will be charged $1.00 per sock.

Third Rule: All pockets must be emptied of all rocks, sticks, Silly Bandz, crayons, chicken nuggets, mommy’s lipstick, etc. before placing into hamper or the offender will be charged $1.00.

Fourth Rule: Whoever does the laundry gets a solo vacation to Mexico once year.

Remember, the kids are going to keep doing those annoying things with their clothes unless you give them incentive not to do those annoying things, so you need to stand up for yourself. Let yourself be heard. Slap a laundry basket on your head and run through the streets screaming, “I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE, YOU KETCHUP STAINED MORONS!” until you get arrested. And/or made the president of your PTA.

Because while you may feel like you’re The Laundry Wench, nothing’s going to change a bit until you start acting like The Laundry Bitch.

My husband never unballs his socks when he takes them off. I’ve just started washing them as is and when he complains that they don’t look clean or feel stiff, I tell him he can either unball them before he puts them in the hamper, wash them himself, or deal with how they feel when they’ve been washed in a ball.

Mine does the same thing. After one bad day of unballing the clean socks only to get grass and dirt on my side of the bed, I told him I would only wash the socks that were already unballed. He runs out of socks a lot quicker these days.

I’d be happy if my kids could manage to get their dirty clothes in the hamper. When they complain that they don’t have clean socks, I lead them to their closet and point to the pile of socks crammed in the corner. And then I tell them that they’ll have clean socks when they put them in the laundry hamper.

My husband and I are considering building a house, and we spent half an hour planning my perfect laundry room. And then I cried because I spent that long planning a laundry room – how did my life become like this?

03.22.11#4

Comment by From Belgium.

When your childeren come to you begging for more ‘adult responsability, ’cause they are no longer kids,blablabla’ laundry is a pretty good place to start the whole ‘adult’ thing. ‘Can’t put a ruler next to the shirts = no going out tonight’-style.

I remember the days when I used to “sort” my laundry into cute little piles. “This is washed in cold, warm…blah, blah, blah.” Even the baby clothes was washed in super special soap so his little skin didn’t get irritated. Ha!
My dirty little secret: I wash everything in HOT water. It’s just gets dumped in. What survives wins!
I love talking about laundry.

03.22.11#6

Comment by GrandeMocha.

At $21/wk ($1 underwear + $2 socks per day) I’ll be in Vegas in 15 weeks. Who wants to meet there around July 6th?

I’m glad I’m not the only one who licks Bounce and does shots of Tide.

03.22.11#8

Comment by Plano Mom.

My son has been washing his own clothes since he was 10. Not very well, but I have no laundry issues. Gonna have to look elsewhere for my therapy fodder.

03.22.11#9

Comment by skchord.

How about still have this problem with a 14 year old? Therefore he sorts his own laundry into piles, and “fixes” all the clothes. He has two choices then, he can either chance it and then pay me $1 per item I have to fix, or he can wash them himself. Usually he does it himself. Considering we’re a family of almost-5, it actually works to my advantage as it’s 2-3 loads a week I don’t have to do (espeically since the kid will wear shorts once and then insist they are too filthy to wear again!). Great advice!!! 🙂

Am I the only one who loves doing laundry? It washes itself. All I have to do is shove it in the hole, add some soap, and turn it on. One big difference: I don’t have a husband or children. Never got sucked in by the hetero baby-loving advertising campaigns (dog food commercials bring tears to my eyes, though). Lucky me! Now if only the yard raked itself and the snow shoveled itself and the floors vacuumed themselves and the catbox changed itself.

When I was a teen babysitter, the rule in one woman’s house is the one I adopted. Everything comes out exactly as it goes in. All monies found are kept by the one who snorts Tide and licks Bounce. Stains from crap left in pockets? Live with it.

Wendi, you are SO RIGHT about the abusive relationship. I feel so freaking empowered right now I might just head out to Lowe’s and slap a new washer/dryer on the credit card before Hubs gets home. I will NO LONGER stand by and take shit from my crappy hand-me-down machines. Can I get an AMEN?!

03.27.11#19

Comment by Lisa.

Why aren’t your kids doing their own laundry (with supervision)?

My toddler helps put all the laundry in the washer and then the dryer. I put in the soap, she pushes the buttons.

A school age kid should be able to handle the whole thing, again with supervision. It’s not technical or dangerous.

[…] will certainly meet other people there and may go during the day, while you’re busy reading laundry tips. And what about church? If she doesn’t attend regularly, why not drop some hints about […]

02.29.12#21

Comment by erica.

so true! my dh uses hankerchiefs instead of tissue. imagine prying apart hundreds of those crusty things on laundry day….then having to iron them! my anniversary gift to myself this year was to stop. now they just sit in the bottom of the hamper and maybe he buys new ones.

02.29.12#22

Comment by erica.

I ruined an entire load of darks this week because my husband can’t tell the difference between the laundry hamper and the trash can. used pull ups leave a nasty residue on clothes that is impossible to get out.

[…] about laundry hypothetically and is that magical place accepting new citizens? Because my doing laundry every freaking Saturday is a fact of life, starring Lisa Whelchel. A fact that you can take to the […]

Although The Mouthy Housewives offer a great deal of wisdom, this is an entertainment site and should not take the place of medical and psychological treatment. All questions submitted become the exclusive property of The Mouthy Housewives. Questions may be edited for clarity and length. The opinions expressed on the site are solely those of The Mouthy Housewives.