If this is your first visit, be sure to
check out the FAQ by clicking the
link above. You may have to register
before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages,
select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Cassandra's Written Works Thread (Special Thanks Section)

My writes are arranged from oldest to newest in each of the spoilers below. They were saved in Google Drive and are view-only to protect their content. The titles are usually the same as the threads they were posted as, but if this isn't the case, feel free to search through the links.

Ah, yes. The wonderful CNC section. The information has been grouped under the appropriate work for convenient viewing.

Spoiler for IES, 2 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by Crank

Heck of a first impression right there! Personally, I find it extremely hard to write a story without dialogue, but you executed it extremely well! Ies seemed like a very realistic explorer and he grew on me quickly. I think you opened with excellent descriptions and followed that to the end.

I do have, a couple little things to say. For the most part, big chucks of texts can be intimidating, so I personally recommend double spacing your stories, kinda gives a little breathing room I guess. The other thing I would've liked to see was more of his senses. Not just his his sixth one that he apparently has, but sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell, or especially if they're not what would be assumed. Like, if for example, he can't see in color or it all looks glassy though his crystal eyes. Like, humans are brand new to him, and you mentioned he was never seen before. The girl got up extremely close to him, close enough to touch him, which as you mentioned by her being warm, was a whole new sensation to him (I probably looks so bizarre feeling my face for a reference point!) so it might tickle him or prang him with curiosity. Maybe her finger stuck for a moment? I think ice has done that to me before.

Again though, very cool story, I hope to see more of you!

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Thanks! I kind of forgot to put the spacing in since I pasted it from where I originally made it (a Word Document).
If you wish to see more...I'll post more!

The only reason why the girl didn't have her hand stick to Ies's face is because since he was in their warm house, his body was slightly slick from the heat.

Spoiler for Stick Adventures, 0 replies:

Show

No CNC

Spoiler for Welcome to SP Vamprina:

Show

Originally Posted by Crank

It's always interesting seeing everyone's take on the wRHG and the character origin stories, and you were no exception! Nicely done, I look forward to the battle!

But this is the appropriate subsection. Stories that aren't battle-related have always been allowed here in OLit. It's always been like this since the whole place started, and its not like the OLit gets some prolific works as well.

Originally Posted by Scarecrow

really? well, just ignore me then.

Originally Posted by digkid

my battle with cassandra is going to be started from this point. we both agreed that the battle will start off at the point where this left off.

Spoiler for Vamprina in SP - Alternate Worlds, 0 replies:

Show

No CNC

Spoiler for Vamprina and Volt, 1 reply:

Show

Originally Posted by LazyD

Thhis is good. keep it up!

Spoiler for Volt Versus Electrode, 4 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by Crank

Spoiler for SPOILER WARNING: CNC CONTAINS MASSIVE SPOILERS:

Show

Alright, I think I'm up to date on the series now!

First and foremost you're surprising me with how well you're keeping my attention with Stick-Figure characters, so very nicely done with that!

I enjoy your writing style a lot and thing you do very well with details, however I think more emotion could benefit you, especially during more dramatic scenes.

He was lying on his side, trembling like he had fallen under a cold spell. He had managed to remove the splinter and it lay far away from him, coated in a sheen of toxic green and blood. A small river of life* was trickling out of the side of his mouth, and his once-bright eyes were very dim, nearly dark. Vamprina crouched beside him, summoning all the healing energies she had. Since she wasn’t a Healing type, this was extremely difficult, and for many hours she simply stayed by Volt’s shivering body, trembling herself in the agony of the effort. At length, she collapsed, spent of energy. She couldn’t do any more, or she would die.

To be complete honest with you, this really doesn't sound like his death would be a big deal. It isn't good that he's dying clearly, but if she failed to save him it almost feels more like a "Dang it" moment and not much more. It would really go a long way if you went inside your characters minds, showed their thoughts or even their body movements to further show the impact and devastation this would bring to her.

He was lying on his side, trembling like he had fallen under a cold spell. He had managed to remove the splinter and it lay far away from him, coated in a sheen of toxic green and blood. A small river of life* was trickling out of the side of his mouth, and his once-bright eyes were very dim, nearly dark as they shuttered in terror of the next life. Vamprina imminently fell beside him, crouching as if to pray desperately to any god to save his soul, but in reality to summon any healing energies, weak as they may be for him. Panic shook her limbs and dread set into her eyes as she futilely tired saving him, but not being a healing type it was far beyond difficult. She couldn't just let him die however, so she remained beside him as his weak eyes grew heavy despite the magic pouring inside his shivering body. Turning away from his gaze, Vamprina clasp her eyes shut for a moment, barely stopping a tear from beading in her eye as she bit her lip. Time mocked them as it dragged on, hours passed as Volt fought for his fading life with the aid of Vamprina, but at length, she collapsed, spent of energy with her limbs burning in an excruciating hellish agony. She couldn’t do any more, or she would die.

Not the best example, but I hope you see what I mean with it!

Another thing you should watch out for is rushing through major moments. After all Vamprina does to try to save Volt and after she's willing to sacrifice herself for him, Valkyrie and Vytalia get there imminently one after the other and heal him like nothing. Again, I think this could've been beefed up and slowed down if you incorporated more emotions between the characters. It's how you get your reader to bond with your character and how you develop and flesh them out.

Anyway though, I enjoyed the story very much! Hope to keep seeing your work!

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Thanks for the info! Remember, Vamprina is a Dark Stick after all, so she isn't that good at expressing touching emotion like that. Old habits tend to stay longer than young habits for her. Volt is a new responsibility and experience altogether. So far their relationship is far from solid, but little by little the lightning bender is wearing off Vamprina's layers of hard hate and exposing her loving core. Her seven other selves are always there to help, but travelling through dimensions is difficult for them too, and all Stickworld inhabitants are afraid of altering something in SP once they come through whatever portal they manage to create.

Originally Posted by Hewitt

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Thanks for the info! Remember, Vamprina is a Dark Stick after all, so she isn't that good at expressing touching emotion like that. Old habits tend to stay longer than young habits for her. Volt is a new responsibility and experience altogether. So far their relationship is far from solid, but little by little the lightning bender is wearing off Vamprina's layers of hard hate and exposing her loving core. Her seven other selves are always there to help, but travelling through dimensions is difficult for them too, and all Stickworld inhabitants are afraid of altering something in SP once they come through whatever portal they manage to create.

And therein lies the problem.

you are are telling us all these things, as if we expected to wean these personality types from your story above. My question is why didn't you just show us all those things.

You say the vamp is bad with emotions. Then SHOW us by having her react callously to what we recognize as common courtesies.

You say that volt is slowly defrosting the vamp's ice queen persona. Then SHOW us by having volt whiplashed on an emotional level, but leave just enough to make the vamp's personality desirable as if there had been a chink in her armor.

You say that it is difficult for them to travel. Then SHOW us what is going through their hearts and minds; the tension; the feelings; the emotions being passed through. Are they building up? Towards what?

Your story is just one big vapid fight scene of flash and no substance. There was no moment in there did I feel invested in the characters because they were literally one-dimensional and dim. This is often a mistake newbies make when they attempt to pass a story by making it 95% action because they think that if little to no fighting occurs, then it becomes boring as hell.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Alright. I'll try to work on my characters in the next tale.

Spoiler for Winged Wolf, 3 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by Hewitt

I just wanna let you know that I was cringing the whole way as I read this. Never mind that it was about winged wolves (I try to put that bias behind me, which at best just leaves a lingering taste in my mouth). I'm going to overlook the fact that it was never explained if winged wolves are normal animals in this universe and just chalk it up to "ok fine fine they exist". I've got bigger fish to fry.

Your story as a whole could be described as walking into a bunch of thorny bramble bushes. I just wanted to get to the end as fast as I could because from afar it appeared deceptively short. But because of certain inconsistencies and idiosyncrasies, I was forced to tread carefully. So instead of enjoying what could've been an otherwise run-of-the-mill romp, I instead had to suffer and fear impending stings and cuts as the story turned into a chore and exercise in patience. This in turn washed away any kind of emotional impact the story might've had.

First of all, kudos for attempting to write this whole thing without so much as a hint of dialogue. However, I do feel that a tad bit of monologuing from the hunter's perspective could've driven the point faster and better which brings me to my first gripe: Your POV is everywhere. Who's story are you telling anyway? The Hunter or the Wolf? You started with the latter but ended with the former and just a whole mess of them in between. Secondly, you don't seem to have a clear grasp for the passage of time. Certain actions felt like they just happened WAY too fast in a single sentece. Other moments just dragged on and on for a stupid simple action, often times peppering the scene with way too much flowery text and little to no substance.

You might object and say that these tiny descriptions are necessary and are in fact part of a greater whole action as you are trying to avoid telling, in favor of showing. But I gotta ask were those tiny details absolutely necessary to the point of significance and will they be used again later? They weren't. I think you just tried to be as descriptive as you can to prevent from having too thin a paragraph with each scene. Which is ludicrous because this is half an action sequence and action sequences are suppose to be quick, frantic, and not drawn out as dramatically as possible unless you styled it that way. You ended up saying little to nothing for something that meant so much and vice-versa in some parts.

Third, I think you had this whole thing planted deep into your mind and so you just wrote it as you imagined. But then you started to leave out integral parts of the story while your mind wandered. Indeed, some of the actions were too vague. Maybe you wanted to dismiss them right away as they weren't significant to the plot, I dunno. These are things that unlike my first point NEEDED describing such as the hunter's position in the beginning, the cabin, the lake, the hunter's dogs, and how bout explaining the winged wolves because yeah to the hunter it might've been a common sight (we'll never know, once again I'm skirting around that plothole), but to us the reader it's very important to establish these kinds of things so we can be invested on the fantasy.

Finally, and this is a biproduct of Telling, is that your writing is just SO pretentious. You won't leave certain things up to the reader, constantly holding their hand even for such inane details. One glaring example of this is:

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Bright blue eyes trailed smoke as their owner tore across the frozen land

Originally Posted by Cassandra

The larger male winged wolf was sitting by his sled, staring intensely at him with its icy blue gaze.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

The smoke from her eyes was a beautiful light blue.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

He watched the smoke from its irises rise into the sky for a few minutes, unsure of what to do.

Four times. FOUR TIMES. Are you kidding me. Was it really necessary to mention that their eyes were blue and smoky (what does that even mean---do their eyes huff smoke or something) in four different ways, four times throughout the short story. It wasn't even significant in the slightest! Not only is this detail cosmetic and useless, but it's also an insult to the reader's intelligence. In showing, it is not necessary to feed the reader everything. Sometimes a simple sentence can do what you just brazenly attemped in several comma heavy, run-on sentences. Compare for example:

Originally Posted by Cassandra

The winged wolf jumped once, drifting a little, flapping its wings hard, and then its unwilling paws struck the slippery ice once more, scrambling for traction.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

The wolf leapt into the air at the sound of a bullet zipping past him, only to dive back down as quick as he fluttered.

The way you describe actions feels like reading an IKEA manual. Attach Part A to Part B. Rotate Lock G in place. Secure Part A now to Part C. It's all in some kind of order that when applied in something like a video game feels right because of its procedural nature, but in a realistic setting? I was going "wait what was the hunter doing in the time it took for the wolf to drift in the air? Stand around and watch him fly?" The action in question doesn't even make sense because in the next sentence because he just flies up straight away into the clouds...so why didn't the wolf just do that in the first place if it knew it could!

In my example, the action is more fluid. The passage of time is clear: the wolf reacted in the split-second of a moving bullet, only to double back down confused but he had to keep moving. This action not only does everything you've said at once, but it also does the job of implying a sense of urgency and distress: He was essentially screwed whether or not he chose to fly. Would he risk being up in the air out in the open? Or would he risk running on the already debilitating slippery ice? This would explain why he didn't initially try flying up in the clouds to begin with as well.

There were also other times were it's supposed to FEEL like it's a long time, but because of the way it was written just felt like an instant:

Originally Posted by Cassandra

He flinched as the alpha male grabbed his weapon in his mouth, and then he flew off, only to return a few moments later.

Originally Posted by My Version

The hunter looked on as the wolf violently swiped the rifle off of his hands and took to the skies. He sat there literally frozen, unflinching and refusing to look anywhere else as his mysterious predator flew onwards until he disappeared into a tiny dot in the sky. His fists clenched in those moments, afraid of what would happen if the wolf ever came back.

Wh-that's it? Is he like a supersonic wonder wolf or something? Judging from the speed of their earlier scuffle (like how the parents managed to get behind the hunter or how the kid wolf managed to get into a cloud in the time it took for a hunter to reload his gun AND not get a shot off), this has pretty much been established as a possible yes...which begs the question as to why they even bothered surprising the hunter in the first place! They could've just fucking RAN away and the hunter wouldn't have noticed because that's how fast they actually are.

This is a very tense moment in the story whether or not you recognize it. The wolf has won. He's just disarmed the hunter--the guy who's trying to kill them. We don't know what'll happen after that. A little bit of buildup would've been nice. Granted, the actual payoff was indeed anticlimactic, but that's more of a problem with plotting than building tension. Another action that went by pretty quickly was how fast the Hunter repaired his sled. That could've been a perfect buildup for a "it's not over." scene. But no, he gets home lickety-split.

Other than that. Alot of wrong words and crappy sentences used...

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Paws crashed against the icy lake surface.

First sentence is immediately illogical. It doesn't matter how soft your hands are, when they CRASH into a frozen lake, they make HOLES. The wolf should've sank to the bottom or at least caused the lake to crack the moment it started running there.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Its muscles stiffened, launching it to the side as a bullet ripped by.

First off, which muscle?! Secondly, how can a muscle innately launch itself to the side!

I wasn't aware that the hunter was actually the Invisible Man, only showing his face out of thin air when he started to sweat.

...and plotholes.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

But his dog team sensed what he couldn’t, and refused to come near the house.

If his dogs could sense the wolves all along, why didn't they scramble or plop themselves and cower near where the parents originally ambushed the hunter?

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Throwing all caution aside, the crazed man lunged for his weapon and aimed it at the male winged wolf.

Right because that worked SO well the first time. I dunno about you, but if I was the wolf I would've gutted him at that point.

The plot is SO contrived. We're led to believe that these wolves are fucking intelligent. But to go to the extents of teaching the hunter a lesson on morality and making him responsible for his actions? No I'm sorry. Wolves are wolves. Animals. Their intelligence only grows as far as the instincts they cling on: Family, Survival, Safetey. I don't care if you can justify that they're "winged wolves ergo, they're magic sentient wolves with human qualities". If you make them more human or just as human as the actual humans, then what's the point? It doesn't make for an interesting tale. You could jusr replace the winged wolves with winged bears and it would be the same thing.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

LOL

I have lots of work to do!
Brace yourself. If you like critiquing my work, then you're going to LOVE sorting out my next tale.
It's longer now, sort of like a mini novel, and I did this one kind of a long time ago, so my writing has changed since then.
However, it was my own story that I was pretty proud of at the time.
REALLY LONG....

-----------------------------------------

Oh trust me if your next story presents the same flaws I just elaborated, the cnc will be much shorter. Just two words in fact.

I need to find a better way to insert my work into the forum section. It autosaves and everything, but once I get in a lot of content and try to save, it cuts me off and everything is gone because I'm not signed in. REALLY FRUSTRATING!!!!

Originally Posted by Hewitt

Oh trust me if your next story presents the same flaws I just elaborated, the cnc will be much shorter. Just two words in fact.

Spoiler for Child of the Ikiraians, 0 replies:

Show

No CNC

Spoiler for The Tree Creatures, 3 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by Sacred

I saw what you snuck in there.

Originally Posted by GrimmtheReaper

Oh wow... That was really good.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Originally Posted by Sacred

I saw what you snuck in there.

I got the info about your powers from one of the battles you had with another gladiator.
I think his name was Nhaleet or something like that.

Spoiler for Scenes from Stickworld #1, 0 replies:

Show

No CNC

Spoiler for Taxi Ride, 0 replies:

Show

No CNC

Spoiler for Discovering the Bloodfangs, 9 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by Gaaading

Seems a bit overpowered don't ya think?

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Their weakness is fire. They can't stand it.

Originally Posted by Gaaading

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Their weakness is fire. They can't stand it.

So the elements minus fire.

Originally Posted by Devour

Good thing they can just telekinesis anyone holding fire away from them

Originally Posted by Gaaading

Originally Posted by Devour

Good thing they can just telekinesis anyone holding fire away from them

Originally Posted by Wyrmspawn

What's wrong with overpoweredness? Overpowerdness by itself isn't a problem. It's just how its usually handled. With good handling, all sorts of OPness could be more fun to read. Just look at Gu Long's signature cast of characters and point out one of them that isn't totally OP.

Alright, some CnC from me.

You first sentence didn't really do very well for me. For an opening line it was too long and could be difficult to understand. You have to draw the reader in with short, suspense-filled, easy-to-read, and generally interesting first sentences. In this age, it is no longer possible to draw readers in by showing off how many words you know; people don't want to see that, they want something that's simple and fun to read. So I suggest cutting it into half; instead of Space spread out like a massive black cloak, dotted with innumerable worlds, the names of which now fled the memories of nearly all intelligent organisms related and including humankind., I suggest it be Space spreads out like a massive, dotted cloak; a vast black cloak dotted with innumerable worlds. And what was that throw-off line in the back of the first paragraph? Throw off lines should be short and witty and interest the readers, but, frankly, that sentence was neither. Do any of us care about microorganisms in some unnamed planet if they have nothing to do with the plot?

The sentences in general just weren't very engaging. I don't want to go over the problems in each one, but they didn't take direct paths to convey their meaning. It seems to me that you were trying to squeeze as many words out of the least thought. Why did you have to say was still surviving when still survives could have meant exactly the same thing? Remember, having the most words doesn't necessarily make it the best story ever. The best works are judged on how much meaning they can convey over the least words. Try to cut every sentence to be brief, and to the point.

I'm sorry, but I just couldn't read much past the second paragraph; I was tired and just couldn't push myself further anymore. Maybe I'll come back to read more of it and offer more advice someday.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

LOL I'll make a simpler story next time.

Originally Posted by Wyrmspawn

Sorry; I got frustrated and tired that night. My point, though, wasn't that the story itself was complicated; it was that the sentences used a lot of words that I feel were not necessary and did not really add to the dimensions of the story. If the words are not necessary, it is my personal opinion that the story would benefit by shedding them off; extra words like those drag down the story, which might actually have read pretty smoothly without them in the way.

Probably a personal preference, but I feel that it's usually better to keep the sentences shorter and to the point. If there is a way to shorten a sentence without causing its meaning to diminish - sometimes even if its meaning could be reduced - I would do so, because that keeps things reader-friendly.

-

Something else about the writing; I found several places where you could have snuck in a little more suspense to the fight. I'm not sure why, but most fight scenes I see on the forums, whether on the wRHGs or not, are very densely compacted into several short paragraphs or even mere sentences; not allowing the reader to truly appreciate the amount of power going on in the fight.

Thanks for acknowledging my previous comment; It feels good to know that CnC is being read... even if it was crap CnC.

Originally Posted by SaulMurphy

I like your imagination. Or the worlds and places and stories you create. Reading some of your pieces actually make me think that there must be some "Cassandrapedia" somewhere. I have only read a few stories and don't have pure Cnc to offer just yet, but I am interested in the worlds you create and will pay close mind to it. It all seems great to me to some extent. But I will give proper comments and critique a bit later.

Spoiler for The Secret Arena, 0 replies:

Show

No CNC

Spoiler for Change of Element, Change of Heart, 0 replies:

Show

No CNC

Spoiler for Dark Dreams, 1 reply:

Show

Originally Posted by Rochedan

While I was reading it I could really feel the misery of the poem itself.
I liked it.

Now a suggestion, what about making the poem more personal? Like saying "My inner wars" instead of making it "inner wars"?

Spoiler for ALLIES, 0 replies:

Show

No CNC

Spoiler for The New Warrior, 2 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by Crank

Hey Cassandra! Guess Gladiator swapping is going around, huh? I do feel ya though, I need to bring an old buddy back myself!

Glad to see you're swapping them with a story, and don't think I came empty handed! I got a little bit of CnC for ya!

Managing a lot of people can be tricky, but if you're going to have a large cast of characters you've got to keep all of them in it in one way or another. For this though, it seemed that all of the characters more less had their own bricks of the story, and once they were gone, that was it, they were just gone. To show you what I mean, I copied and pasted your story and colored it for who it was about.

Vamprina crouched in the branches of the tree. Scanning the forest, she sighed. Volt sat a few branches below her, leaning on the trunk and swinging his legs in the air.

“Volt?” Vamprina hissed softly.

Volt looked up at her.

“My world is in danger. I need to go back to it for a short while. Are you staying here or coming with me?”

The lightning bender smiled. Vamprina knew that he would never leave her. The Dark female twisted into a different position on her branch. “I can get help from you to get there. Your creator is V-arX. He can jump between worlds…right?”

Volt nodded. Yes, his creator could do that. But was he, in his young age, really capable of such things?

She closed her eyes, and an image suddenly flashed in her mind. A young warrior stood there, with a purple body, and bright green eyes full of curiosity. At the same time, two creatures appeared beside him, also resembling stick figures as the smaller one did. One was black as night, and the other was as red as blood. The pair was native to this planet, while the other was from a different world entirely.

The young purple one clutched a spoon. It was an odd tool, but of some worth to its owner. He was Spune Swiftwing.

The pair was neither brother nor sister to each other, but depended on their kinship nonetheless. The black male was Erebus, and the red female was Agana.

But Vamprina could only think of Volt when she saw Spune. He looked so young, yet so confident. It was done. He was going to replace them.
The air shimmered before her, and violently tore itself aside. Vamprina grinned at Volt, and he bowed slightly, also smiling. The portal swirled into existence, and both Vamprina and Volt swept through.

Ryst, the gold mage, looked up at where they had disappeared. Too bad he couldn’t go with them. Sighing, he vanished into the forest, wishing he’d see them again soon.

Far from the clearing, a small purple form crawled from a crater in the center of Cansad City. He looked around with wild eyes, surprised at the people and other warriors around him. He retreated from their prying gazes and hid in a dark alley.

For a while he did not come out, but then he heard a voice above him.

“You there, young one! What’s your name?”

He looked up, and just above him was a red stick figure like him. Her eyes were black, and the white rings of her pupils stared at him in a friendly way. She grinned when he looked at her, and rested her chin on her hands. It seemed as though she was lying right on the edge of the roof of the building, not the least bit afraid of heights. Spune waved cautiously.

“Uh…hi. I’m Spune. Spune Swiftwing.” he replied. A black figure stood behind her, looking down at him with eyes exactly the same as the red’s, except red instead of black. The two looked related to each other.

“Are you afraid, sweetie?” the red one asked. “I can make you feel all better! Come on up!”

She climbed down using a pipe in the side of the wall. When she held her hand out to him, he noticed her fingertips sharpened to points. He frowned, but her smile stayed, as sunny as ever.

“Oh don’t worry about my fingers. I’m not dangerous to friends, only enemies. And you,” she pointed to him, “…are my friend for certain. Besides, you look like me! What’s not to love about that?”

Spune began to extend his arm to her, and then shrank back when the black one swung down to join them. The red one laughed.

“Don’t worry about him young one! He’s just the quiet sort of guy, that’s all. His name is Erebus. I’m Agana.”

Spune took a deep breath and put his hand in Agana’s. She hoisted him up to the roof with very little effort. Once there, he turned to see where Erebus was as Agana came up beside him. A sudden burst of wings and feathers and cooing exploded behind him. Startled, he fell off the roof, just to stop a few inches in midair. He looked up, and Erebus pulled him back onto the solid surface.

“You can’t walk on air like that.” Agana laughed. She looked at her partner and bowed slightly. “Nice catch Erebus!”

Spune liked Agana’s laugh. It was all light and happy, like her voice.

“Thank you.” was Erebus’s reply. His voice was very deep and kind of husky, but Spune could tell he was friendly too.

“What was that?” Spune asked them.

“Oh, just a few of our birdies.” Agana explained. “We’re better-than-best friends with them. They just thought you were intruding, that’s all.”

Spune nodded, and looked about. The sand pigeons had returned, and were looking at him intently. He knelt down, and they soon covered his shoulders. When he looked up, Erebus had one on his head, and he couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

“Oh you’re all so funny!” Agana bubbled, clapping her hands. “It’s so good to laugh don’t you think?”

Spune grinned at them. “I do!”

Agana twirled and sat cross-legged beside Erebus. He knelt beside her, and Spune came close and sat too.

“So-o-o-o…” Agana began. “Let’s get down to business! You’re here to be a warrior, right?”

Spune’s eyes widened. “How did you know?”

“You are?” Agana said in surprise. “By the looks of things, I thought you were here to be a cook or something.”

With these words, she pointed at the youngling’s spoon. Spune had the urge to hide it behind his back, feeling a little silly in front of these fighters. But he didn’t, and just twirled it in his fingers.

“Yeah, I’m here to be a warrior. I want to become the best one ever!”

Agana giggled as she looked into his joyful face. “You’ve come to the right place. The best warriors from every corner of the universe come to fight here.”

“Really?”

“Why would I lie to someone so young?” she asked. “Not that I would lie to anyone older either.” she added quickly.

Spune looked from one warrior to the other. He wasn’t sure what to tell them. They were complete strangers, aside from looking like him. What information was wise to spill?

“You can trust us Spune.” Erebus said. Spune looked deep into his eyes, wanting to say something but unsure of how to do it. “If you have secrets, we’d never share them with anyone.” the black one continued.

Spune began his story, and soon went to enter in the wRHG tournament.

There were only a few sentences where they all seemed linked in any way, and even then Ryst was pretty well out of it. While I do understand no one's necessarily dying, I still do consider this a goodbye even if it might not be final. To me, they should leave behind more of an impact that that.

I don't know how old you are, but you'll learn how important a "Bye" is once your friends start graduating High School and moving for collage. For that summer vacation for me for example, we ended it with one last Hurrah! We spent the full day together, shared stories, drank (pop), played lots of games but it all wound up with us just talking on Rye's front lawn for a long time. I don't think there were any handshakes when we left, just straight man/regular hugs before we all slowly went to our cars in the dead of night and drove away one final time.

I really don't feel like I got a proper man-hug from Volt and Vamprina here, it felt more like a "See ya" from some random dude I saw in the halls.

I understand that Vamprina more of a distant/cold character, but these are the sort of things where you really need to dive into the emotions of your characters. If she's not being reflective, she could still be thinking of her mission. Show what it mean to her, how she can't stay and why she needs to go. Is there anything she's afraid of leaving behind? Show it in her eyes, let her think about everything she saw here and what made it special to her, or even times here that were. Don't let it be an empty hallway, let it be the one where she met her best friend, who's still sticking by her side.

The other thing that felt a little odd to me was how Spune was introduced. Vamprina got a vision, but did she ever know him? It seems like she didn't, and the when the story suddenly shifts to him he seems to have no idea who she is on account of her never being mentioned again. It really felt like the two were completely different unrelated stories sharing a spoiler. If your going to link characters, don't do one and done, give them a full spiderweb to hold them together, not just a strand.

Again though, it was a good story! Just work more on links and emotions. For the most part, you can get a lot of the later from real life, just try scaling it up accordingly.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Alright, I'll try to fix this! Thanks!

Spoiler for Events that happened BEFORE "A New Warrior", 0 replies:

Show

No CNC

Spoiler for Return of the Assassin, 2 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by Captain Cook

I'm in the process of revising this, so just standby. Should take me a day or a few to get through this.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Take all the time you need.
Getting your critique is worth it!
I apologize since this thing was thrown together kind of quickly again.
I was trying to show some of Slinx's backstory, how Raylar is tied into it, Shadewing's concern for Vamprina even though they are worlds apart, and what Shadewing is even up to. He took a long leap from being the Chosen One who saved all of Stickworld to the king of the Light lands.

Remember, he's a Dark individual, so this is kind of new for him. All he wants is to unite Light and Dark. He doesn't know Vamprina has discovered something that would help him with that though, and she can't get to him to spread the news.

Spoiler for Abrupt Events, 1 reply:

Show

Originally Posted by Crank

Looks really good Cassandra! You diffidently put a lot of thought into this, and I'm eager to see what these new developments will bring about!

That being said, I think it would benefit you the most if you worked on transitions a bit more. This mostly comes up when you have a high number of characters, and there were about 10 in this story. To begin with, I don't think I'd be able to keep track of them all personally, so I for sure respect the attempt! The thing is though, perspective shifts can confuse your readers if they're abrupt, which might lose them for a bit. Personally, I think the most important thing to establish, is that you are no longer is point A, and you can fill in the rest from there. That being said, the setting has to be established with each switch.

Spoiler for Setting Jumping Example:

Show

Vamprina looked up at the Darkwings. They began to form a mass of winged bodies, and in the next instant the entire group was plummeting down towards her and the shield at impossible speeds. An evil smile spread across Vamprina’s face. Her eyes flashed, and with a flick of her wings she shot away. Sasha raised her sword, but then looked up. Horror filled her face at the sight, and the Darkwings cried with one voice, tearing the air with their screams.

Just before the collision, Sasha began to fade, and was gone in a burst of white light. The Darkwings smashed onto the barrier, and then began to retreat, dazed and quite confused. Sweat broke out on Volt’s forehead. He took a deep breath and burned brighter, driving the Darkwings back. But they were hungry now, and his Light energy had boosted their bloodlust. The lightning bender’s eyes widened, and he began to flee from them, leading them around and around as he kept the energy connection alive with his body.

The presence of the Darkwings had paralyzed all humankind that had come out of their dwellings. The energy overdose was not killing them, but it was definitely making it hard to move around.

Sasha watched the chaos from the safety of a store building. Her eyes burned with cold hatred. If this ended, she was going to have a conversation with Aiba Kannagi.

Vamprina lifted her voice, and the cry of a wounded Darkwing tore from her throat. She repeated the cry three more times, and then a piercing shriek exploded so violently from her that the trees bent to their breaking point. The signal ended, and a shadowed shape tore itself from the treeline. Vamprina let her wings go limp and she fell to the ground.

The fanged creature fell upon her with a snarl so vicious that she closed her eyes. He could kill her now if he saw it necessary. It was entirely her fault that this had happened. But the creature stepped off her, its red eyes flaming with rage. Vamprina looked at it, unsure of how to start.

I actually wound up getting lost here for a while, the setting changes numerous times rapidly, you've gotta slow it down a little bit to keep everyone with you.

Vamprina looked up at the Darkwings. They began to form a mass of winged bodies, and in the next instant the entire group was plummeting down towards her and the shield at impossible speeds. An evil smile spread across Vamprina’s face. Her eyes flashed, and with a flick of her wings she shot back down to Earth like an asteroid. Sasha raised her sword, but then looked up. Horror filled her face at the sight, and the Darkwings cried with one voice, tearing the air with their screams.

Just before the collision, Sasha began to fade, and was gone in a burst of white light. The Darkwings smashed onto the barrier, and then began to retreat, dazed and quite confused. Far below, sweat broke out on Volt’s forehead. He took a deep breath and burned brighter, driving the Darkwings back. But they were hungry now, and his Light energy had boosted their bloodlust. The lightning bender’s eyes widened, and he began to flee from them, leading them around and around as he kept the energy connection alive with his body.

The presence of the Darkwings had paralyzed all humankind that had come out of their dwellings. The energy overdose was not killing them, but it was definitely making it hard to move around, although that did make it easier for Volt to weave between them.

Free from the chaos however, Sasha watched the anarchy from the safety of a store building. Her eyes burned with cold hatred. If this ended, she was going to have a conversation with the assassin's leader.

Screaming in the distance, Vamprina lifted her voice and the cry of a wounded Darkwing tore from her throat. She repeated the cry three more times as she flew like a bullet out of the city and towards the woods, but then a piercing shriek exploded so violently from her that the trees bent to their breaking point. The signal ended, and a shadowed shape tore itself from the treeline. Vamprina let her wings go limp and she fell to the ground.

The fanged creature fell upon her with a snarl so vicious that she closed her eyes. He could kill her now if he saw it necessary. It was entirely her fault that this had happened. But the creature stepped off her, its red eyes flaming with rage. Vamprina looked at it, unsure of how to start.

I kinda made a lot of assumptions here and it's still fairly, but those little 'in the distance' type things help expand the size of the setting. If you can give the relative area from where you once were, it'll be extremely useful to your reader. I guess it's kinda like looking through binoculars in a way. You can use them all day to look at a boat, but if the person next to you alerts you to a soaring eagle, you're going to pull them down for a second to get the big picture and find it, and then put them back only after that, if that makes any sense.

Another little thing that might help, if you have a lot of characters already in play and you want to reference another, you can reference their relationship to the person rather than just their name directly. It was already a long list (which isn't a bad thing) before you name dropped Aiba Kannagi, but that's the only time he ever comes up and if you're not too familiar with the story so far that'll completely fly over your head, and almost make it seem like Aiba is with Sasha, rather than being Vamprina's clan leader.

One final little thing, I'm personally not fond of introducing lots of characters strictly by name, but you showed me multiple times in this story you know lead into a character. I think it would help if people entered the story more like Death, Sasha and Venox rather than the abruptness of 'Name does action', especially with the case of V-arX, who I hadn't heard from in a bit.

Again though, I very much enjoyed this and respect the ambition of the event!

Spoiler for The Retirees, 1 reply:

Show

Originally Posted by Crank

Heh, gotta admit, I was about 95% positive this was going to be going to be about Spune and them!

Personally, I feel like this is the best sendoff I've seen from you so far, Abra and Digkid felt as though they had made a lasting impact on Vamprina and that she had given one to them as well. All the character felt very distinct and distinguished, and I really liked how all of them interacted with one another!

I've only got three little things this time around, one of which is really quick. Hiss by itself has a pretty bad connotation, so just be careful when you're using it. I got by 'hissed softly' just fine, but when its by itself and lacking touching context, my default is usually a venomous whisper, about on par with a growl as far as disdain goes.

“So…gentlefolk.” Vamprina hissed. “Are we done here?”

At this point, I have the picture that Vamprina is close to the two of them and wishes them well, my brain read it closer to:

It's just kinda one of those words, ya know? If you can't think of another word in its place, show something that displays her mood a bit more.

“So…gentlefolk.” Vamprina's voice slithered out tenderly, small smile having formed on her lips, “Are we done here?”

The next shortest thing is when characters receive something important. Early on, Abra let her pick a card, and by chance it was the Joker. And that was it. I do understand that it came with an ability, and it's fine you chose to explain it later on rather than imminently, but I feel like special moments like gift giving should be treated like they're a bigger, more meaningful event than that. Maybe something registered in her mind with the card or was disappointed in not getting the full card trick? Basically, something to show that it matters. Doesn't always have to be much, but I think there should be something there.

Finally, conclusions.

First and foremost, I did smirk that it ended with Slinx getting denied, but whatever you plan on ending on, you have to make sure you end on that. Jokes are my personal favorite, but by just a little. To me, it looked like you were doing either that or a photo-fadeout.

“A joker card. With it, I can always return to this world.”

“Cool.” Slinx replied. “Can I see it for a second?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll mess with its properties or something.”

Slinx narrowed his eyes. “Fine. I guess we’ll see if it works later.”

The two figures vanished, and the room was silent.

“You’ll mess with its properties or something.” <----- This was pretty much the punch, and when you're telling a joke, that's where you want to end it. I saw this in my psychology book a while back:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

Punch delivered, joke done. Watson does not need to respond and it doesn't matter what happened to the tent, any further additions would take away from the delivery.

“A joker card. With it, I can always return to this world.”

“Cool.” Slinx replied. “Can I see it for a second?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll mess with it.”

You could've ended it there and it would've been perfectly fine, but then it seemed you wanted to end with more of a photograph. I actually crapped out on an explanation a second ago, but looking at it again I think the only thing you were missing for that was the setup. Like, I don't need much, but if someone tells me they're about to take a picture, I need a second or else you're about to get a great snapshot of me scowling, biting down on my lower-lip as I make the 'f' sound, starting a word that requires it. Just need a quick second, a little lead in.

“A joker card. With it, I can always return to this world.”

“Cool.” Slinx replied. “Can I see it for a second?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll mess with its properties or something.”

Slinx narrowed his eyes. “Fine. I guess we’ll see if it works later.”

Mildly amused, Vamprina scoffed in reply, turning her back to him and facing the shadows embarrassing her. Glancing over her shoulder, she motioned for Slinx to join her.

The two figures vanished, and the room was silent.

Maybe this is just me, but it almost feels a little weird when a conversation stops suddenly just before the end. I think it helps if you either define that it's over, or imply that it's simply continuing off-screen. Again though, this photo-fadeout thing might very well be just me so if it doesn't feel right you don't necessarily have to do it.

Hope at least some of this made some sense!

Spoiler for Death of the Dark, 3 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by Crank

Looks good so far! Have you considered using bold and italics though?

1:

To open, just because something inanimate doesn't mean you can't use wording to make it sound evil, especially if you plan on using it as a common theme throughout. This is also something that adds to the drama of the piece. Clear as day here was fire, but it felt unexplored and fairly neutral. Although fire can be peaceful and bliss, a beacon in the dark, in this story it's a weapon. I highly encourage showing the treat, it'd be like if someone brought a gun into my house.

The tree creatures sensed the presence of their chief fear, fire, and though they tried striking the stalkers from a distance, the humans seemed magically protected.

The tree creatures sensed the presence of their chief fear, fire, and the unquenchable desire for destruction that it carried with it. Inferno in their eyes, flames thrashing like the demons that called them home, the creatures barely had the courage to strike at the stalkers from a distance. Even then however, the humans seemed magically protected.

It can add to the suspense and danger felt as it looms inevitably closer.

2:

First of all, great job introducing Sasha! It was leaps and bounds over your last story and had a great flow from detail to detail! Regardless of what you're introducing, you can actually always use that method. I felt it as a huge contrast between the sorta bullet pointed settings and the slow look over of Vamprina's enemy!

Vamprina opened her eyes, and found that she was held in restraining bonds. She was in a small metal room, with a few windows on the right side. The floor was covered with claw marks, gashes, and the crusted blood of previous captives. The Dark female snarled and struggled, but it was no use. The chains that held her wrists were embedded into the ceiling, and the ones that held her ankles were welded securely to the floor. She was hanging in such a way that her legs and arms spread out in an X shape, keeping her under painful strain.

Pain was awaiting Vamprina before she even opened her eyes, body bound in a tight 'X' as tight, fighting cuffs made her wrists and ankles raw. A few windows in the right side breathed light into the metal cell, glistening off her chains, one set embedded in the ceiling and the other welded to the floor, covered with claw marks, gashes, and the crusted blood of previous captives. The Dark female snarled and struggled, but it was no use, bringing pain instead as the cuffs rubbed against her vulnerable flesh.

3:

Just saw a good example of italics use and thought I'd throw it down real quick.

"So beautiful. So dark. So deadly."

'So beautiful. So dark. So deadly.'

Both italics and bold are very useful ways to add emphasis so something you want to keep short. They've got very distinctive ways of being said, but italics is usually the one that's drawn out a little longer. Context makes it either loving or full of despise though, so don't be afraid to so for it even if you're going for a touching moment.

Other than that, love is an obscenely powerful emotions, and it blows massive chunks when someone you care about in trouble. Like, it weighs on you and infests you mind, I would've liked to see Vamprina's interrogation strike him more than it did.

4:

A lot of interesting stuff in this one! My main criticize with it however is that if a major character is going to be deceived, you really need to show how exactly that happened. Otherwise you could risk them coming off as extremely arguable rather than buying into something plausible. It would've given Sasha the villain a much more satisfying end, although the cliff hanger does have my integer pricked.

All in all however, I found this to be a very enjoyable story, even if your title and intro lied to me a little bit! Great job!

I always want to read Cassandra's stuff because she (he?) posts so much here, but it all seems to be part of one long mythos, so I frequently end up not reading it because I want to read it from the beginning. This isn't feedback pertaining to THIS particular post but is it possible to put (somewhere) your entire body of work relating to these characters so I can give it a go from the start?

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Reading your post made me grin Nish!
Yes, you were right the first time. I'm a girl.

As for the "long mythos" thing, I feel I should post something about Slinx here in the forum so that you can see what type of character he is. I also would really like CnCs on that!

Anyways I'm back from my trip (in case you didn't know), and I'm swamped in school, so I might be a little hung up for a few weeks.

Edit: Yeah, I just randomly found a sig someone else was using, so I clicked on it and it brought me to that site.

Unsurprisingly, I got the Rogue.

Spoiler for Colors:

Show

Originally Posted by Aquila

The only color that's missing is green, so would black mean green? Or is it something completely random like white?

Originally Posted by Drone

But orange is the new black...

Originally Posted by Aquila

As I said, a completely random answer ^^^

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Way to go Aquila! You got it right!
Of course I wouldn't be so silly as to give something random as an answer...

Originally Posted by Drone

Sigh, I should have known that joke wouldn't go very far here

Originally Posted by Miracle

This counts as literature?

Originally Posted by Drone

Originally Posted by Miracle

This counts as literature?

I mean, where else would it go

Originally Posted by Crank

I don't see why it wouldn't count, it's still a riddle. I just personally wouldn't want lots of single ones blowing up the O-Lit section, but if there where on common thread or stagger I'm not expecting any issues. Kinda the same thing with Hewitt's old Haku thread, if it was one it would seem a little odd and maybe be questioned, but because they were so numerous and thought out they were very widely accepted.

Spoiler for Spune Swiftwing versus Vamprina and Slinx, 0 replies:

Show

No CNC

Spoiler for The Concrete Room - First Isolation, 1 reply:

Show

Originally Posted by Crank

Hey Cassandra! I found the concept of your story very interesting and I have mad respect for when people shoot for a certain unorthodox goal, such as landing exactly on your 1,000 words! Always happy to see some experimentation going on!

That being said there were a few bumps in the road here, specifically with your ands and commas or lack there of.

You don't need a comma every time you use the word, and while I'm not 100% on what the specific rule is exactly, I think it has a lot to do with whether or not it's being used as a transition between subjects.

"It was a long journey for Jack and Jill as they walked up the hill."
"It was a long journey for Jack, and Jill couldn't even move without her staff as they walked up the hill."
I know my example is radically different, but in the top it's about Jack and Jill equally, what applies to one applies to the other. In the second, this is no longer true. While they both may be on the same adventure, Jill is specifically the subject of the second part whereas Jack is excluded until it becomes they again.

I scratched at the whispering walls, and heard my name radiating off of them.
On that concept, this one is about the narrator all the way through so it doesn't quite sound right.I scratched at the whispering walls and heard my name radiating off of them.
Similarly, if the subject changed, the comma would fit once more.I scratched at the whispering walls, and they radiated my name.

Still on commas, ya gotta watch out for sentences getting too long on ya.

I tried to go back to my normal homeless life in the alleys of the city, and then without warning, a few weeks later, the men came back and took me with them to a metal area beneath the surface of the city I had walked in ever since I had been born.

A lot happens in that one sentence, maybe a bit too much to commit to memory. Periods are bigger pauses than commas and give you time to gather your thoughts, which is necessary when you're throwing a lot of information at someone. Similarly, people do have to breath and commas can't let you suck too much air in. If you come across something that sounds too long, try reading it out loud (or if you're basically mute like me mouth it) and if you're gasping by the end, break it up a little bit.

I tried to go back to my normal homeless life in the alleys of the city, and then without warning, a few weeks later, the men came back. They took me with them to a metal area beneath the surface, the surface of the city I had walked in ever since I had been born.

Don't want anyone passing out on ya!

I held my ground against them when they asked me personal questions about an extremely close friend of mine who had reportedly killed a helpless lady in a grocery store in front of a selection of security cameras.

Same concept, it's just a lot to take in. Just break it up to bites like a burger and you'll be fine though!

An extremely close friend of mine had reportedly killed a helpless lady in a grocery store in front of a selection of security cameras. When the police came I held my ground against them when they asked me personal questions about him.

The first one's still a little awkward though, but I think that's just because it's a bit wordy. Like, there are two many one word descriptors in a chain. I forget what they're called.

An extremely close friend of mine had murdered a helpless lady in front of security cameras in a grocery store. When the police came I held my ground against them when they asked me personal questions about him.

This might be a personal thing, but as far as settings go I like to work my way up from small to big instead of jumping around, kinda like a camera zooming out. It's easier to picture, at least for me.

Two things left! I mentioned this briefly in the beginning, but '...'s read odd when there's no gap around it. Whatever it's attached to gets dragged out a little bit longer. "Steve's... dead." "Steve's ...dead." Did those sound differently when you read them over? In the first one, the fact that it's Steve is a little bit in disbelief, while the second it's that he's actually dead.

My last thing is that madness, while hard to describe still needs to be shown. The tethers holding your character to their sanity are coming unwound, but it still needs to make some level of sense to your readers, you need to dive them deep into their mind, in the midst of the urges.

Have you ever seen Liar Liar? In it, there's a scene where Jim Carry is desperately trying to get his trial postponed until he can lie again, so in an act of desperation, he goes the bathroom and beats the heck out of himself. In the midst of this, a guy walks in on him and Jim tells him that "I'm kickin' my ass!" The dude, confused out of his mind, bolts. I felt a little bit like the unfortunate man who many never get to pee in that. I can clearly see that something's wrong, but without any further knowledge I'm just lost in the dark of the situation, even with the statement offered. There need to be reasons behind actions, even random ones. For example, if I punched the wall next to me in the face for no apparent reason, there would've still been something leading up to it. Maybe I think I'm awesome and can totally make an inanimate object cry or I could just be in a horrible mood. Either way, action requires reason. It still has to be relatable for it to make sense to someone.

Again though, I found the concept of this very interesting, and I understand that it's old! I'm looking forward to seeing the trickle in of your progress through time!

Spoiler for The Returned, 5 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by Crank

Lookin' solid Cassandra!

Powerful emotions are always tricky, but before I get to that you might want to be careful about adding in too much unnecessary information. I mean, I'm all for setting the scene, but if your reader has to follow too many trains of thought they're going to start getting confused and expecting things to come up later in the piece.

Spoiler for Long Example:

Show

They were not married, and the female had no plans to wed. However, her male combat partner was trying to press for it, but no matter how lightly he did, she would not listen. Unknown to him, she did not want it because she had no time. She had other things to do. They were combat allies. Gladiators. Such a thing as having children would be an extra responsibility that was just too time-consuming. Their fresh hatchlings would be too young, and peril would find them at too early an age.

Slinx and Vamprina belonged were part of a warrior system on this world. It was called Stickpage Planet, or SP for short. Challengers came from all over the universe, and once here, they would fight each other to see who would win. It was simple but deadly. Those who didn’t come out on top usually ended up dead. A warrior could fight here for years. Vamprina had participated in only three official battles here. One fight was with a human called Digkid. He had earth-based powers and liked moles a lot. The two other fights were with a crazed human magician called Abra. He was funny, but liked killing things for pleasure, which was kind of strange. The competition here was great fun for Vamprina, but she missed her home planet, Stickworld, and her brother who lived on it.

SP had a few cities aside from its forests. One large main city, named Stickpage City, was found quite far from them. The closest urban chunk to Vamprina and Slinx’s forested territory was Cansad City. This city was special, because it contained a certain band of warriors in its outskirts that Vamprina was a part of. If needed, they would fight all together. Their leader was a human called Aiba Kannagi. He had air-based powers and owned a special katana.

Slinx liked the idea that Vamprina’s body was touching his, but if she was unwilling, the special process would not commence. She was just doing it because she was cold, undoubtedly. He looked at her, and watched the raindrops trace their way down her skin and hair. She was facing away from him, but she sensed his gaze. One ear flicked backwards in his direction, and he slowly looked away as she turned her head. Vamprina’s body didn’t move, but she just hissed a little warning his way before turning away again.

None of that underlined stuff really came up and it distracted a bit from the mood you were trying to set. If something's going to be important in a story you can go ahead and foreshadow it, but a lot of this you'd be safe bringing up as you got there.

They were not married, and the female had no plans to wed. However, her male combat partner was trying to press for it, but no matter how lightly he did, she would not listen. Unknown to him, she did not want it because she had no time. She had other things to do. They were combat allies. Gladiators. Such a thing as having children would be an extra responsibility that was just too time-consuming. Their fresh hatchlings would be too young, and peril would find them at too early an age.

Slinx liked the idea that Vamprina’s body was touching his, but if she was unwilling, the special process would not commence. She was just doing it because she was cold, undoubtedly. He looked at her, and watched the raindrops trace their way down her skin and hair. She was facing away from him, but she sensed his gaze. One ear flicked backwards in his direction, and he slowly looked away as she turned her head. Vamprina’s body didn’t move, but she just hissed a little warning his way before turning away again.

Also, that "Slinx liked the idea that" sentence. That has nothing to do with his ability, right?

Back with emotions though, they're always a work in progress so don't feel bad, but when you have a character going transitioning from massive ones, don't be afraid to highlight their mindset. I think you did a really good job showcasing the mood in a lot of places, but if you don't go into when it's changing, it just seems sudden, kinda like the character's a little mentally unstable. Additionally, in times like this, silence can be just as powerful as sound. You don't always have to skip to the next line of dialogue.

Vamprina’s eyes narrowed and she looked like she was on the verge of exploding. Finally she answered, but her voice was both sad and sharp at the same time.

Vamprina’s eyes narrowed and she looked like she was on the verge of exploding. The relaxation in her posture had perished and the air felt thick with intensity as he knuckles shook to contain a building rage. Her blood was boiling, and as Slinx shifted in discomfort her mouth cracked open, only for her to bite back down on upon finding the need of another moment. Shutting her eyes and forcing a deep inhale, she finally answered, but her voice was both sad and sharp at the same time.

I guess internal battles are similar to physical ones in a way. When the tide shifts and changes, make sure you're showing why.

Again though, I thought this was very good! Keep it up!

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Thank you so much! I'll try to adjust the text to fit your CnCs.

Originally Posted by Crank

You're very welcome! I always appreciate appreciation!

Next chapter looks nice! I think you had a lot of good information in it, but one thing to keep in mind is that even if you did use a character before if it's been a while your reader might need a bit of a refresher. Suddenness feels odd to a reader, especially when the throw off isn't matched by the character it's revolving around.

The assassin shrieked in pained anger, and all of a sudden soft wings wrapped around her shoulders.

The flames calmed, and the circles began turning in the proper direction. Vamprina rose to her feet, recovered, and looked up at her savior. Valkyrie stared down at her, smiling a little.

The assassin shrieked in pained anger, and all of a sudden soft wings wrapped around her shoulders. Although coming without warning, there was a certain familiarity she could find comfort in.

The flames calmed, and the circles began turning in the proper direction. Vamprina rose to her feet, recovered, and looked up at her savior. Valkyrie stared down at her, smiling a little at her sibling.

It doesn't always have to be a huge intro and breakdown immediately, just enough so you don't lose your leader for a bit.

Same type of things for big ideas.

“Well…” Valkyrie said slowly, “…the Phantex are gone.”

Vamprina stiffened a little. “Where did they go?”

“Well…” Valkyrie said slowly, “…the Phantex are gone.”

Slinx's mutants? Vamprina stiffened a little. “Where did they go?”

I think that's what they were? Again, sometimes you just need to refresh some things.

The last think kinda goes in line with that. If you're going to have a handful of important things or topics in a story, watch out for them just dropping out. Slinx's departure, the failed element change, what's happening in Stickworld and the missing Phantex where all discussed, but the failed change and the events of Stickworld by leading into Phantex where the only ones that felt properly closed. Phantex itself was left out and Slinx's absence weren't brought back up. When this type of thing happens they almost feel forgotten. Even if all the issues aren't resolved it helps a lot to keep them acknowledged.

The tweaks to Chapter 1 look good by the way!

Anyway, it's still going really smoothly, keep it up!

Originally Posted by Hewitt

I personally dont think the 1 cnc per chapter model will get you very far. It feels like you're deliberately calling attention to yourself by forcing us to dissect your piece through analysis. I would feel so much better if you actually built it up and tried to write out your story as one consistent draft, then let us jump in anytime

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Okay then! I'll submit everything I have on this so far, and let you guys figure the rest out!
The only reason why I wanted to have each of the chapters CNC'd was because I wanted to be able to change things already without having to look over my entire work piece. It kind of made it easier to narrow down my thoughts, but I'll take your advice.

Bustin' out the 1st person I see! I don't remember seeing that from you yet, so you did a really good job for your first time in at least a long time! One thing to keep in mind though, 1st person is very personal. The bond you're trying to form isn't some narrator who might not even exist, but a direct character well, directly. Similar to a friend I guess. What's the girl equivalent to a Bro? BFF sounds sexist, but I digress. Point being, when you talk to them your personality tends to ooze out of everything you're saying, your bias, opinion, and maybe even some retrospective stuff. Like, my brother's pet king snake bit me in the face once because another friend for some ungodly reason, likely demonic possession, wanted to hold him.

First person is the view where you get to pull crap like that. It's all about seeing the story from that character's stand point, making them feel what they feel and keeping them as themselves. Ryan never got to hold slither by the way. Turns out he likes his face too much for that.

Next off, unless you've got a surprise pending, you might want to avoid keeping people in the dark about things and then bringing them up to only mention them once. If they don't change anything and just yank the story off course you can usually omit it, but if you want it just reference it earlier on where it would make sense.

I was stunned for a few moments. How had he known this was a test? For a split second, I glanced at the mirror. Could he see through walls? Did he know my boss and my best friend were standing there? An implant in my eye showed that they were looking at each other, just as surprised as I was. This implant allowed me to see what the camera in the mirror room saw.

With these words, he swept his arm to indicate his body. I squirmed a little. Wasn’t I supposed to be asking the questions? I could just see my superiors taking notes on my incompetence from the other side of the mirror behind us. Like, literally see it. God I hated my eye-implant. The idea that he didn’t have a shred of clothing on was slightly unnerving as well. And then I noticed his tail. Its shade appeared to fade to a darker grey than his body.

...

I was stunned for a few moments. How had he known this was a test? For a split second, I glanced at the mirror. Could he see through walls? Did he know my boss and my best friend were standing there? An implant in my eye showed that they were looking at each other, just as surprised as I was.

Next off is a little bit of reiteration, but careful about jumping through extreme emotions too quick! Additionally, make sure that you're transferring from one to the next thinking you're one place and then finding it somewhere else entirely can be a bit confusing.

“You have to!” I pled, almost shouting. “I can’t pass, and you can’t be released if you don’t answer this question!”

He sounds pretty furious before it flips to frantic to me personally.

Panic suddenly lurched into my bloodstream, jerking me from my seat and clenching the wretched paper in the process.

“You have to!” I pled, almost shouting. “I can’t pass, and you can’t be released if you don’t answer this question!”

Lastly, is just again, make sure you're slipping in personality even and especially when you're running through a quick series of events. It can help something that'd ordinary be dull a lot more lively!

Suddenly, the pieces fell into place. As soon as I was let off work, I rushed home, running a few red lights before I noticed what I was doing. I relaxed, focusing on driving legally, and finally made it to my house. I burst through the door, flying up the stairs and into my bedroom. Fortunately, I had thought of cleaning it up before work, but I had forgotten where I had put the item I sought. After a few hours of rummaging through my personal treasure boxes, I found what I was looking for.

Suddenly, the pieces fell into place and as hard as I tried to ignore it the strong it felt. I caught myself staring at the clock more times than I'm proud to admit rapidly losing my ability to focus, but as soon as my shift was over I bolted home. The speed limit felt optional and I even ran a few red lights before I had any idea what I was doing. Forcing myself to relax, I came close to focusing on driving legally, and eventually made it to my house. Opening my door however, I was back to top speed, slamming it shut before I bolted inside the house and flew up the stairs at a speed that would make my gym teacher proud. Fortunately, I had thought of cleaning it up before work but I had forgotten where I had put what had I sought, which would've made my gym teacher less proud. After a few hours of rummaging through my personal treasure boxes, I found what I was looking for.

Anyway though, it was really good! Interesting to see the new style!

Spoiler for Earth Destroys All, 6 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by Crank

Short but sweet! Looks pretty solid to me! The only thing though, is that even if this did only happen in two seconds, you can still drag it out to really showcase the horror. Like a photograph for example, even if it was all in just one instant, a lot could’ve happened, and additionally, the more detail you went into there, the more contrast that it would’ve had with the fact of how quickly the event happened.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Thanks for the CnC!

Originally Posted by Crank

You're very welcome!

Originally Posted by SaulMurphy

Actually after reading it and then looking at crank's critique I have to add something that I just thought. Imagine these 2 seconds as photographs. But space it out. Zero seconds, world is fine. 1 second, screams erupted like the volcanoes and the panic for that one second was emmence and suddenly the utter destruction of the 2nd second where even though there was this wide spread destruction, it is silenced and the aftermath takes hold. Like a breath caught.

Originally Posted by BoomerangReturns

I like the idea of this small piece a lot, although I feel like more could have happened around the world in two seconds. More so, was I the only one to be reminded of the Big Bang with the massive wave of force that spread across the universe?

Originally Posted by ErrorBlender

Its a nice thing to wonder if the world's end would truly be by our own hands and not by some outside force. Its a good short read but if I may, you could have extended the two seconds a bit more in a descriptive way. Like hold each part of the world in a standstill as you describe and fast forward it to the end of the duration and show the catastrophe.

Spoiler for Xeno versus Night, 3 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by zoomxoom

Okay, this is my first CnC in a good long while, so I'm still getting back into the swing of things. That being said, I want to say that this is a really good story, I really enjoyed writing it, and it was a very fluent read, however I did have one minor problem with it. I was somewhat confused as to who 'The Warrior' was referring to. At first I thought it was referring to the NightCaria, but later on you called the Alien the Xenomorph Alien Warrior, which threw me off a bit. Now, that confusion may have just been me not reading carefully enough at the beginning. I tend to read pretty loosely when I start reading something new, which is a huge fault of mine.

That being said, one easy way to avoid the confusion is to simply describe the two creatures throughout the story, giving small details about each creature's appearance, linked through larger details (such as colors), to give indication of which creature is performing and/or receiving the actions.

Other that that however, I really enjoy this and I like it a lot, keep up the good work.

Your friendly neighborhood plant

--Zx

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Thanks for you comments/crits!
I seriously LOVE these CNC things to death because I just really want to be the best writer I can be!
Users of the forum such as Crank, the Gentleman, and many others have given me TONS of help so far.
If you're interested in animation though, let me know what you think about my works by clicking the "Animations by Me" link in my signature.
Even if you're not interested, you could just click it for fun, I like it when people watch my videos.

Originally Posted by zoomxoom

Trust me, I love receiving them too, its nice to know that others support me and are willing to take time out of their days to help me make my writing better. I share the same feelings as you about CnC. And Ill be sure to take a moment to check out your stuff when I have a bit of free time.

Spoiler for The Returned - Part 2, 3 comments:

Show

Originally Posted by Crank

Heh, apparently my last post this year is going to be about someone coming next year. Sweet!

I will admit I'm a little sad to see Spune go, but there's a special piece of the rock in my chest cavity that loves the underdog! I respect what you're doing with your portrayal of wRHG, but I do hope you realize it's alright to imply people still exist as fighters even if you're floating to someone new! I really do feel ya though, I know Dante just had a reboot, that Torvin may or may not be getting some changes and that I'm personally changing out Hollywood for someone new after I get my act together and finish my story with Azure. Lotta new things happening this year!

Anyway though, I do have a little bit for ya!

First off, you're definitely improving on portraying emotions and I give you massive props for that, but I still think that it can be shown a little bit more. Creative writing somehow couldn't fit into my schedule back in school, but there were actually a lot of things from film that can be applied to it. Watch any trailer, any movie and I bet you're going to see the protagonist much closer, much more often than any villain. This is done to establish a connection between the viewer and that particular character. If someone's physically close to you, you typically know them and they're your friend.

Conversely, people who aren't so much the good guy are going to have a little bit of distance, because in all honestly, you don't want them close to you.

I think the same thing applies to written word as well, only because you can't exactly place a viewing distance in a book, the details you give would be something you're more likely to notice at the closer distance, and you typically see them clearer.

He put a hand on the Illusionist’s arm, and Raylar relaxed a little. However, his blindfold’s energy continued to dance across its surface.

[I]He put his calloused hand on the Illusionist’s jet black arm, feeling the man's tense muscles begin to relax. However, his blindfold’s energy continued to dance across its surface, illuminating the long stained blood and grime.[/B]

Small things like that can really go a long way, as well as remind your readers key things about your characters that they may have forgotten.

On a similar note, don't be afraid to dig a little more into the main events of a story. Although something my happen quickly, you can still extend its impact.

Spune was stunned, and his fists clenched.

“You can’t just accept that! He isn’t even a warrior! You can’t do this!” he shouted furiously.

The soldiers ignored him, and all left the room.

Spune was stunned, and his fists clenched.

“You can’t just accept that!" His furious shouting fell on deaf ears exchanged their glances and began turning around. "He isn’t even a warrior!"

The echoing of their footsteps was the closest he came to a reply.

Spune's mouth hung open as his lime green eyes darted about in a mad panic. His authoritative command rapidly descending into begging.

"You can’t do this!”

The men didn't even turn around as they reached the door and filed out. Not a word was breathed among them, but as the door shut gently behind them it sounded more like a bomb to Spune, sealing the fate of his doomed friend.

Lastly, this might be more of a stylistic thing (seeing as I can't even make examples without them), but how do you feel about similes and metaphors? They usually add a good piece of personality to a piece as well as a small unique flair and point of reference. I think you could have a lot of fun with them if you played around with them for a bit!

Originally Posted by Chromium7

I'd just like to say that you are by no means the first person to switch out their character. Crank mentioned how I'd just gone through rebooting Dante, but there's A LOT more to it than that.

I've had a total of 5 wRHG characters. And I've made some attempt at rebooting EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

And it would be caused by at least one of two things:
1) I was having second thoughts about the character.
2) I'd somehow messed up something about the character.

Yet here I am on my 5th wRHG.

At first I thought I had some kind of problem. I'd create a character- with so many expectations, so many things that I thought I could do, things that I thought I'd wanted, but then I'd sit back and say to myself:

"That was the stupidest fucking idea I've ever had."

But again, at this point, you can see that I've had at least 10 of those moments. But just by living life, I've had SO MANY MORE.

No really, I stuck my finger in an outlet- twice, apparently.

That's not to mention the times where I'd try to climb some rotten-ass tree as a kid, every time I'd decide to go back to sleep after turning off my alarm clock, or that one time I somehow kicked a hole in my cousins' wall.

I've had a lot of stupid ideas. And in hindsight, creating a wRHG- any wRHG, was never a bad idea for me.

So while Spune will be missed, I'm interested to see you get back into the fray with Venox.

Cheers.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Thanks guys. wRHGs beware, for Venox is ready.

Spoiler for ARENA GO BOOM!, 0 replies:

Show

No CNC

Spoiler for Venox meets Erebus and Agana (AGAIN), 4 replies:

Show

Originally Posted by Chromium7

CnC!!!

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Public vendors offered services such as arcane boosting, weapon and armor enhancements, or invitations to friendly conversation. Some gladiators kept to themselves, just winding among the citizens and letting their eyes wander into the environment.

These two sentences come together in a somewhat awkward manner. As description goes, it gets the message across, the only 'issue' is that it doesn't really flow. Depending on your level of study math (fuck, I said the "M" word), you have most likely heard the phrase 'combine like terms' being used. If not- or just for the sake of example, here's a basic algebra problem: (fuck, I said the "A" word)

x + 2y + 1y = 4

What you'd be expected to understand in a problem like this is that 2 + 1 = 3, allowing you to simplify the original problem to:

x + 3y = 4

Then of course you'd subtract 3 from both sides to get your X value if we wanted to stretch this metaphor to it's outer limit, which we don't. Essentially what I'm going for with this is that every time you introduce something- be it a theme, a setting, an object- you are in a sense adding a new variable. The section I put in bold both deal with the idea of conversation among gladiators and the community- be it the presence of that communication or a lack thereof. So then 'combining like terms' (giving your story an extra bit of flow) would involve grouping the section about invitations to friendly conversations with the section about avoiding friendly conversations into a single, coherent sentence.

On the same token though, this review would have flowed a heck of a lot better if I hadn't mentioned the M word and just told you there might be a better way to form those two sentences. I call this hypocrisy for the sake of example, and I'm looking forward to using that on my kids if/when I meet someone special with whom I would consent to spawn a few.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Two such beings soon came into view, moving quickly down the street in the direction of the wRHG arena.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

SP city was quite busy to them, and loud.

Call it personal preference, but when dealing short sentences such as this one, I like to replace words like 'and' with longer words or phrases such as 'not to mention'. From my experience, this is one of those things that professors love to see- and apparently love to ask me for when they assign essays with somewhat excessive word requirements, though using the sentence "I sincerely hope that this essay contains enough words to meet your demands." as the last 13 words of an essay can get you considerably further in a surprising number of cases.

Originally Posted by Cassandra

Rooftop travel was not encouraged here, and law enforcers were scattered at nearly every corner, ready to attempt to fulfil their duties as required.

First off- 'scattered at nearly every corner' is a bit of an oxymoron, as the word 'scattered' would imply they are in somewhat random positions as opposed to 'at nearly every corner'. It isn't to the point where I don't understand what you're trying to say, but if we're getting technical here, you didn't actually say what I assume you were trying to. Also, you spelled 'fulfill' wrong.

Spoiler for Spiderman?:

Show

Beyond that, you seem to have a good idea of where you want to take this story, and grammar/usage errors- while present- seem to be relatively minor. You may want to keep a closer eye out for those, but I feel that story itself should take priority over grammar/usage- provided that these errors don't overshadow the story itself, which they don't appear to.

Cheers.

Originally Posted by Hewitt

I feel the need to address this as apparently my reports to the mods have been ignored.

Cassandra, you have way too many threads. Your prolific posting is admirable but if you're going to pump out something every 2 weeks, then you should just keep it all under one Cassandra's Works thread. I can understand if all of your stories are one-shot, but what is the point of making threads that ask us to read previous threads in order to understand it. It's like you're posting it by chapters.

I mean even if you're posting one-shots, it's pretty clear that they are all suppose to be in the same canon universe. I'm not even going to begin dissecting this current 'story'. It is literally a meeting between 3 people we could care less about because their intros are off on another thread somewhere (never mind that they're all shallow OCs to begin with). What's next? Venox Goes to Starbucks? Venox Does His Taxes? Or (god forbid) Venox Meets Erebus and Agana AGAIN (AGAIN!) DX Gold Edition Remastered HD??? And we will have to read every single one of your old threads to 'understand'? Pointless.

This is a form of spam. You should ask a mod to merge all your story threads under one banner. It's ridiculous---look at the 1st page of OLit and see how many Cassandra threads there are.

Btw, if you're afraid to double post or necro, that rule only applies if you are offering nothing to the table. If you are bumping significantly then its okay.

Originally Posted by Crank

I don't mean to be that guy, but it's entirely possible that your reports may be being ignored because the current mods don't see this as a big deal. I honestly don't have an issue with the number of threads she makes, but if they were all bundled together I'd freak out a little bit because that'd all of the sudden be too much for me to get through. When it's broken up bit by bit it's much more manageable and easier to keep up on, and catch up on. That being said, I don't think it's either of our place to derail the thread by discussing Cassandra's posting habits although personally, I have mad respect with the passion she has for writing and the world she's crafted around her characters. That being said, I wouldn't mind if they were linked to each other, but I honestly don't think it's such a big deal.

Originally Posted by Hewitt

I'm not saying that she should do one big filedump for a tl;dr thread. I'm saying that she should make a repository where everything goes and it can still be bit by bit in the manner by which I make SP.net or Envoy wrote his short story extravaganza. And it doesn't have to be one topic, she could separate the sections between the Venox-verse and "everything else". But at least it would be one thread where everyone can post cnc's and it would still be consistent.

Just because it doesn't bother you doesn't make it any less wrong. And just because the mods aren't paying attention to it doesn't make it any less insignificant until proven otherwise. What she is doing is essentially the equivalent of making "Rate this X <different topic here>" threads on General Discussion every week or so. Imagine if General Discussion was nothing but threads like that. That's how it feels right now.

And if this is not the place then where is? wRHG Discussion? Skype? I am bringing it up here because Cassandra herself needs to be aware of this situation. It could just be a misunderstanding---that she thinks double-posting and necro-ing are bad so she is posting it like this (which I like to think is the case because of this thread which continues this thread which she actually did properly a long time ago). At the same time, it brings awareness to the fact that such spam-like threads are not being tended to or given response to.

If she is making new threads everytime just to get people to CNC it, and making one consistent thread decreases the chance of a CNC, then that's the CNC-er's fault, not hers. I might sound like I'm making it a big deal, but imagine if everyone was doing this. OLit will end up looking like a fucking CYOA.

Last edited by Cassandra; 06-28-2016 at 01:27 PM.
Reason: pushed by the unseen hands of the WRF...

You do really write a lot, wow, I'm impressed. I do plan to share my writings similar to what you're doing now, so I'll likely go ahead and check your works out once I feel up to it (as I'm now caught in a big emotional roller coaster IRL and it's consuming nearly all my free time...)