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Why are you so angry? Why do you always yell at Mommy and make her cry? She's so much smaller than you. When you push and hit her it makes me so mad. I feel really hot and I want to scream and kick and punch. Anything to help her. Seeing her scared makes me so scared. Seeing her cry makes me so sad and I want to save her. But I can't. I'm too little. I'm not strong enough. So I go in my room, play with my dolls and imagine a world where all mommies and daddies got along and always had fun together. I like to imagine things and other places. It helps me block out the loud yelling and I forget how bad you make me feel.

My brother, too. Why don't you like him like I do? He's funny and caring, andddd he always plays games with me and lets me play his PlayStation which makes being in this house not-so-bad. He's helping me learn to read and write too. I know he's not really your son, but is this how fathers treat their sons? I'm so confused and frustrated. I do this weird thing with my shoes. My shoelaces have to be super tight or I can't wear them. They cut off my circulation most of the time, but I like the way it feels. It feels secure.

I'm going to counseling now. She asks me about you a lot. I don't know what's the point of all this but I don't like talking to a stranger about my family. I wish I could take you, my mom and my brother to the places I make up in my head and we could all be happy together.[Age 10] Broken

I'm in the 5th grade now. I love school. I think you would be proud of me. I get all A's on my report cards. Ok maybe not ALL A's - I really hate history, I was never good at it. It's probably because I don't like to remember things from the past. Who says the things that are written in the textbooks are true anyway? Math is my favorite subject because it can be proven and it makes so much sense to me. I'm in my 3rd elementary school now. Mommy had to transfer me because we moved (again) with our cousins and its easier for me to go to the same school as them. This school is really different from my last; everyone is a lot meaner. The boys are starting to notice me and make comments about how big my butt is. Sometimes they even try to grab it. It makes me feel uncomfortable but I'm scared to stand up for myself or they might retaliate liek you used to do to my mom. A lot of the girls at my school don't like me and constantly try to start fights with me. They call me all types of names, especially 'slut'. I don't even know what that means. My mom tells me the girls are just jealous and to not pay any mind to them. I like the attention from the boys, it feels good. It's nice to feel wanted.

My mom says I'm really mature for my age. My body is 'mature', my attitude is mature, and my mindset is mature. I stay focused on my schoolwork because it's like my escape from reality. I feel powerful when I learn new things. Even though my teacher doesn't like me - because I wear earrings and lip gloss, she said im 'too fast' - I still look forward to going to school every day to be around people who actually notice me, even if it's not all good attention. I don't understand why people assume things about me because of the way I look. Because of this, I vow to never judge another person because you really don't know what theyre going through or what makes them a certain way.

It's so cool seeing my friends at school, who play sports and stuff, have their parents there rooting them on all the time. It must be really nice to have both parents in your life. I wonder what its like. Do they get to run to their dad when their mom says no? Do they play catch with their dad in their front lawns like in the movies? Do they eat dinner at a table with nice plates and stuff? They must have so much money with two parents. They go on so many vacations to cool places like the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas. I get a little jealous. I want to do fun things like that with my family but we dont have enough money. It's hard for my mom to pay rent and bills. She works so hard. It doesn't make sense to me.

I stopped wearing my shoelaces so tight. But, now I have to wear my hair pulled back so tight or else I feel really uncomfortable. Sometimes I wear it so tight it breaks some strands of hair. It gives me a headache but it gives me that secure feeling I like.

I accept my reality - that you're not in my life. I don't understand why you don't want to be in my life. I thought parents loved their kids unconditionaly but I guess that's not always the case. People at school always have this sound in their voice like they're sorry for me when I tell them you're not in my life and that I barely know you. It's weird but I reassure them that it doesn't phase me. My mom is amazing and she and my brother are all I need.

[Age 16] Resentful

Forget everything I said before. I don't accept my reality. I hate it. I'm miserable. I could never understand how a person can have a child and NOT want to be in their life. I've had 12 birthdays since you left and I can only remember you calling me for one. You never even tried to help my mom with money for me. You have no idea how hard it's been for us. We've moved into a new apartment damn near every year for the past 8 years. I had to skip out on so many school trips, getting new clothes, playing sports, and pretty much any luxury because we barely had money to pay our rent, let alone keep food in the fridge. I had to grow up quick because you weren't there. I missed out on a lot of the innocent pleasures in life and now it's hard for me to make friends because I just don't connect with people around my age. Especially if they're too nice. I don't trust people who are too nice, they make me feel uncomfortable. I attract damaged people, and that's ok because I'm damaged too and those are the only types of people I can really relate to.

When my grandmother died, my mom lost it for a while. She started drinking too much and making a scene every time she was drunk. It usually ended in a violent situation somehow. She brought around strange men; she doesn't really have the best taste in men [clearly.] I know she just wants to feel loved but it bothers me how much she settles. I know she's worth so much more. You really traumatized her and I hate you for that. Her actions really infuriate me but I try not to take it out on her because I know she's just hurt from all the pain she's gone through. She's such a beautiful, strong, hard-working woman. If she can't find a great guy who will love and respect her, is there any hope for me? I dont have any faith in love or marriage. I don't want to have kids because no matter how much you may love them, every single action you make affects them in some way and I never want another person to feel the way I feel because of you being abesnt in my life and my mom being an emotional mess.

My older brother has stepped in a lot in lieu of you. At my Sweet 16, he shared my first dance with me and he changed my shoes from slippers to heels to signify my transition into womanhood; all things that are typically done by one's father. If and when I get married one day, he'll be the one to walk me down the aisle. He always tells me that he's not going to allow me to become one of those girls who act wild because of their 'daddy issues.' He sits me down for hours and lectures me on all things from boys, and friendships, to the importance of school/education, and mainly succeeding in life and being the one to make it out of the constant cycle of misery we were used to growing up. He definitely put me on to game at a young age which helped me make a lot of smart decisions that I probably wouldn't have done otherwise. He stressed to me how valuable I am and to never forget my worth. Is this what fathers do for their daughters?

I'm getting older now and experiencing a lot more life. I think I'm in love. It's my first real relationship. I'm not sure what to base it off of though, because I've never seen real love between a man and a woman. I'm so scared he'll eventually just leave me, after all if my own father can leave me then someone who's only been in my life for a year or so can surely leave without warning. I think my fear comes out in unhealthy ways like a little bit of clinginess and this end-of-the-world feeling whenever we fight. I wish I just knew how to love in a pure way. I don't feel whole if I'm not with him.

I really do love him, but I had to leave before he left me. If i'm not enough for you how can I ever be enough for another man?

[Age 22] Sorry

I'm not bitter anymore. Now, I'm just sorry for you. I'm sorry you missed seeing me grow up and that you didn't want to be a part of my successes. I'm sorry you didn't get to teach me how to ride a bike or see how fast I could run and how competitive I was as a child. I'm sorry you missed all my band concerts from fourth grade to senior year in high school. I'm sorry you weren't able to cheer me on when I was cheerleading and being thrown 30ft in the air. I'm sorry you didn't get to help me learn to read and write or congratulate me when I came home with honors roll time and time again. I'm sorry you didn't get to see me graduate elementary school, middle school, high school, and especially college. I'm sorry you weren't in the audience at any of the fashion shows I coordinated and modeled in.

I'm sorry you didn't get to be my shoulder to cry on when I got my heart broken or that you didn't get to deliver the infamous fatherly speech to my prom date. I'm sorry you weren't there to share the father-daughter dance with me at my Sweet 16. I'm sorry you broke my heart before any other male could.

I'm sorry that I have accomplished so much in the past few years and you have heard nothing about it. I'm sorry that you think because you have me on Facebook, we suddenly have a relationship and you can take credit for anything that I am.

I'm sorry you chose a life without me in it.

I used to really feel sorry for myself. I felt sorry for being without my dad my whole life and trying to fill that never-ending void with temporary pleasures. Whether it be back-to-back relationships, constant partying, smoking weed, or even more healthy habits like obsessing over school work or new hobbies. Nothing could ever seem to fill that hole that you left in my heart.

I look back on all of the times that we never shared together and I don't get sad or mad anymore. Rather, I get a sense of pride in myself. I know how strong I've become just because of your lack of existence. I know that there were people in my life who took your spot and excelled in raising me. I know that you will never see the damage you've done to me, and I promise you that I will make sure you will never see my successes as your own.

[Age 24] At Peace

The last relationship I was in reminded me of you way too much. He constantly disrespected me and mentally abused me. He brought out the best but most importantly the worst in me. We were so toxic for eachother but I stayed for much longer than I should have because it felt normal to me. After all, that's all I've really ever known.

I took the time to do some deep introspection and finally heal all my emotional wounds because I was getting sick of the constant feeling of void in my life. I started praying a lot more and getting in tune with my spirituality. I can honestly say prayer is the only thing that kept me sane - and I mean that in the most literal way possible. I learned to fill all voids with God's love and never expect that from another person. I learned to forgive everyone who's ever hurt me, especially you - even if I never get an apology. I learned to enjoy my own company and moving to another country by myself helped me face my fears of being alone. I no longer feel incomplete without a partner. I am content with myself and my life. I'm sorry you don't get to be a part of it.

We all talk a good game when it comes to setting goals, but what really matters is execution. You have to hold yourself accountable. Constantly remind yourself of your short term and long term goals and make sure you’re actively taking the steps to achieve them. Reassess your goals and see how many you’ve accomplished, cross out any that no longer align with your values, and if there are any you didn’t achieve, figure out why and then get right back on track.

If you checked out my blog post in January on creating vision boards, TUNNEL VISION // VISION BOARD 101, I spoke about setting goals and how making a vision board can help you achieve them. It was such a fun activity making my vision board and seeing it every day when I woke up definitely helped remind myself of who I am and where I want to be. Unfortunately, when I moved to Japan I wasn’t able to take it with me, but maybe I’ll take this as an opportunity to make another one for the remainder of the year.

Since it’s now June, I figured it’s the perfect time to revisit some of the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year and see how much I’ve accomplished in the past few months. I’ll be addressing each of them and stating whether I achieved them, dismissed them or am still working on them. It’s important to be honest with yourself when doing this, don’t drag the truth to make yourself feel better for slacking.

Goals for 2018:

1. Go Vegetarian (again): [dismissed] This is unfortunately one of the goals I haven’t been able to stick to. When I came to Japan, I wanted to be open to trying new things (especially new food,) so I forgot the vegetarian diet and I’m honestly glad I did. I was pescatarian for 3 years when I was in college and when I moved home with my mom for a few months it was really difficult and expensive to stick to so I slowly weened my way back into a carnivorous diet. I rarely eat beef or pork, mainly just chicken and a good steak once in a blue moon. Being in a foreign country and constantly being on-the go and living in someone else’s house doesn’t allow for much choosiness and I’ve had to eat a lot more fast food than I would have liked since I’ve been here [although the fast food in Japan puts America to shame.] I can feel the changes in my body when I switch my diet back and forth from eating meet to not eating it so I’m currently trying to find a healthy balance between eating enough veggies, fruits and some meat here and there. According to the theory of eating right for your blood type, [im type O] I'm naturally and historically a meat eater and my body needs meat to function at its best. 2. Self employed: [somewhat achieved] As you all may know from my previous post,
UPROOTED: I QUIT MY JOB & MOVED TO JAPAN , I quit my day job and moved to Japan with no intentions of finding a new one. For the first three months in Japan, I enjoyed waking up when I wanted and being my own boss. Lord knows it was not an easy adjustment. It is extremely difficult to give yourself that structure that a 9-5 provides and really stick to it because you don't have anyone to answer to but yourself. That's where self control and accountability comes into play. Honestly, Im not happy with my performance the past few months. I found it really difficult to find a schedule and stick to it because, well, I hate routine. I also made the mistake of taking on too many projects and clients which in turn only lead to me stressing out and not meeting deadlines like I should have. I'm learning now to say no to more and more opportunities that are not directly in line with my end goal. Time management is everything!

With that being said, because I was on a tourist visa, which only allows you to stay in a country for 3 months, I had to pick up a part-time gig to give me legal status to live in the country. I'm not happy about it at all, but I'm big on "Doing what I gotta do" if it will help me get to where I wanna be in the short-term. I don't feel that 'locked down' feeling I used to feel when working [as much] since I made the drastic decision to quit my last job and move to the other side of the world and I know this is only temporary because my goals are way bigger than this. Baby steps. 3. Move to Japan: [achieved] Again, if you read my previous post then you know about my move to Japan. Truthfully I was 100% excited up until the day of my flight. It wasn't until a few hours before I left for the airport that the nerves started to kick in. I felt a sudden rush of emotions all at once and had a little mental berakdown in my empty bedroom while finishing packing my suitcase. It was such a bittersweet moment. I love change and the blessings it brings but my natural instinct is to fight it and get emotional about it. It was a really scary feeling to leave everything I know behind and travel across the world to a foreign place with absolutely no idea what it would be like. "Will my nieces and nephews forget who I am?" "Will my friends check in on me?" "What if the food is too weird for me and I'm constantly hungry and unsatisfied?" "Will the language barrier make me feel alienated?" "What if I get homesick and want to come back home?...I don't even have a home anymore..or a job." "What if I have a panic attack on the plane?" "Will I be judged because I have a lot of tattoos [tattoos are taboo in Japan.]" "What if I just change my mind right now, call the whole thing off and just move to Florida with my mom?" These were just a few of the thoughts that were racing through my mind before I left for Japan, and I was seriously contemplating not going because my anxiety was at an all-time high.

I still have a lot of concerns but I'll never let that stop me from making moves. I never want to look back and think "what if" about a huge opportunity I could have taken so I had to talk myself out of the doubts, wipe my tears, and convince myself that I needed to do this. I tried telling myself anything to make me feel more comfortable; I tried acting like it was the same thing as when I went away to college for the first time or that I could just think of it as a vacation and come back in a few weeks if I really didn't like it - and I'd figure out what to do next when the time came. These thoughts helped me get through the flight and first two weeks or so without feeling too homesick. I knew that I was just feeling this way out of fear and I didn't want to make any rash decisions based off that, so I did my best to push past those feelings until I could really experience my new home. And I'm so glad I did.

4. Travel: [achieved/ongoing] Truthfully, when I bought my one-way ticket I had no idea how long I planned to stay in Japan for - and I'm still not sure. This wasn't my last-stop, it was just meant to be a stepping stone for the next chapter of my life - takin control of my destiny and going at my dreams full force. At the moment, I don't see myself in Japan long-term. I honestly can't see myself anywhere long term right now. I want to see as much of the world as possible before I "settle down" somewhere. I'm just taking it day-by-day and making the most of my time here. It's all in an effort to secure my future while simultaneously embracing the present moment. With that being said, traveling around Asia is very affordable so I have some fun trips planned in the next few months that I can't wait to share with you all!

5. Be more aware of how I am perceived by others: [achieved/ongoing] It goes without saying that when you're in an unfamiliar place you are forced to learn more about yourself and other people inw ays that you would never be able to if you were somewhere you're used to. Meeting people from all different backgrounds, whether it be Japanese locals, active military, military vets, expats like myself, or just tourists - I've encountered a great deal of different personalities while being in Japan thus far. I've met a lot of talented and successful people along with some not-so-pleasant people. I've had to break out of my shell and really put myself out there in order to meet new people and make new relationships - whether it be business or personal. I've learned the importance of getting to know people and their "why" as well as doing a lot of introspection and checking my own attitude, thoughts, and actions. There is nothing more humbling than being in a foreign country, living under someone's roof who is from a vastly different culture than you, and not having any type of comfort from home like your own bed, your own room, a car, not knowing where anything in the city is (and most of it being written in a different language,) all the way down to small things like finding your favorite foods and makeup products.

Coming from New York really puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to interpersonal skills, in my opinion. We naturally have a good filter and can spot out the real from the fake, however we have this sharp edged personality that can be received really badly from people who are not used to us. I've had to check myself daily when I realize I'm being too harsh, cold, or even judgemental of someone or something. It's not easy and I do wish I was naturally more open but hey at least I can be grateful for that New York hustler's mentality.

Over all, I'm proud of how much I've accomplished since the start of the year. How have you been doing with the goals you've set for this year? Now is a great time to check in with your goals and congratulate yourself for those you have accomplished. What helps me is writing a list and checking off the things that have been done. It helps me get things in order when I can visually see them and organize them.

This has been the most pivotal year of my life by far. The next half of this year will be devoted to effective execution to meet the remainder of my goals - I would share them with you all but I'm really big on working in silence until things are set in stone. I'm very protective over anything that means a lot to me, including goals that can make or break me so I'll check back in with you guys at the end of the year for another 6-month recap.

Thank you so much for your unwavering support lately. I shared previously that I feel my calling in life is to share my thoughts, experiences, and personal style with others in order to inspire and make other people's lives easier in some way. This move has not been an easy adjustment for me and I can't thank you all enough for all your supportive and inspiring words. I really hope you can all continue to follow me along my journey, I have some really dope changes coming to the blog soon!