[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler is sitting in the living room
reading a book. A sound of bed springs going up and down can be heard coming
from Joey’s bedroom. Then, a scream and a loud thud are heard coming from the
room. Chandler gets up and runs over to the door, opens it, and looks in.]

Chandler : See, Joe, that’s why your parents told you not to jump on the
bed.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica is in the kitchen working over
a pot. The room is filled with jars and fruit in crates. Rachel and Ross are
coming in.]

Monica : [to Ross and Rachel] Hey! Look at me! I’m making jam! Been at
it since four o’clock this morning.

Ross : Where’d you get fruit at four in the morning?

Monica : Went down to the docks. Bet you didn’t know you could get it
wholesale.

Rachel : I didn’t know there were docks.

[There’s a knock at the door. Chandler and Joey walk in. Joey has his arm in
a sling. They all exchanges ’heys’.]

Ross : [to Joey] Oh. Is it broken?

Joey : No. I gotta wear this thing [pointing to sling] for a couple
weeks.

Rachel : Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your
bed?

Joey : No. Had a whole story worked out, but then uh, Chandler sold
me out.

Chandler : Well, I’m sorry Joe. I didn’t think the doctor was gonna
buy that it just fell out of the socket.

Joey : What is this? [picks up an piece of fruit from a crate] Fruit?

Rachel : Monica’s making jam.

Joey : [excited] Whoa! Jam! I love jam! [to Chandler] Hey, how come
we never have jam at our place?

Chandler : [mock crying] Because the kids need new shoes.

Monica : [while working over jars and pots] Goin’ into business, people.
I’m sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan...a plan
to get over my man. What’s the opposite of man? Jam.

[Joey goes over to the cooking pot and takes a spoonful of jam out. Monica
rushes over as he is putting it in his mouth.]

Monica : Oh Joey! Don’t! It’s way too hot!

[Joey, tasting that the jam is way too hot, spits it back into the pot. After
realizing what he’s done, he looks down at the pot.]

Joey : This’ll just be my batch.

[Scene: A city street. Phoebe is walking down the street, being trailed by
a man dressed all in black. Every time she looks back, he plays it off like
he’s doing something else. As he passes a flower vendor, she looks back and
he hurriedly buys some flowers to avoid being noticed. She turns and continues
walking and he follows.]

Pursuer : I just want you to know. I didn’t use to be like this. Before
I met your sister, I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular
phones.

Phoebe : I mean, look, it’s not your fault, you know. This is what she
does to guys. [she sits next to him]

Pursuer : Thanks. [he gets up to leave, but Phoebe pulls him back down]

Phoebe : Hey, you know what? I got a little story. When I was in junior
high school, I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there
was this guidance counselor who said something to me that I think will help
you a lot. He said, "okay, you’re not a witch, you’re just an average student."
See what I’m saying.

Pursuer : [nodding] Not really.

Phoebe : Um, well, get over it. Well, you seem like a really nice guy,
you know, just don’t be so hard on yourself. Okay? [she gets up to leave]

Rachel : Honey, come on, I have to be to work in like, ten minutes.
[gives in] And oh, all right. Well, it’s not like I’m employee of the year or
anything.

[They fall back on the couch and start making out. Suddenly, Chandler bursts
in. Ross and Rachel jump up and pretend to be looking at something on the couch.]

Ross : [pointing on couch] There it is.

Rachel : Oh, that’s what you’re talking about. [to Chandler] Oh, hi.

Ross : [to Chandler] Hi.

Chandler : Do I look fat?

Ross & Rachel : No.

Chandler : Okay. I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no,
she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.

Rachel : Okay, walk us through it, honey. Walk us through it.

Chandler : Okay, well, Janice said "Hi. Do I look fat today?" and I
looked at her...

Ross : Whoa. Whoa. You looked at her? [Ross and Rachel look at each
other and laugh] You never look. You just answer. It’s like a reflex. "Do I
look fat?" "No." "Is she prettier than I am?" "No." "Does size matter?"

Rachel : "No."

Ross : And it works both ways.

Chandler : Okay. So you both just know this stuff?

Rachel : You know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch
on.

Ross : Okay, for instance, let’s say Janice is coming back from a trip.
And she gives you two options. Option number one: she’ll take a cab home from
the airport, or option number two: you can meet her at baggage claim. What do
you do?

Chandler : That’s easy. Baggage claim.

Ross : [making a buzzer sound] Ahhhh! Wrong. Now you’re single. It’s
actually secret option number three: you meet her at the gate. That way, she
knows you love her.

Chandler : Okay, this is good. This is good. Alright, listen, I have
one. Janice likes to cuddle at night, which I am all for. But when you wanna
go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how can I tell her that without, you
know, accidentally calling her fat or something?

Ross : No! No. Not cuddly. Not me, just her. I’m like you. I need the
room. Okay, come here. [they sit real close to each other on the couch] Okay.
You’re in bed.

Chandler : Yeah.

Ross : [suddenly very uncomfortable with the closeness] I’m gonna use
the cushion.

Chandler : Yeah.

Ross : [grabbing a large cushion and hugging it like a woman] Okay,
you’re in bed. She’s over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift
off, and then you hug her, and roll her over [he rolls the cushion] to her side
of the bed. And then, you roll away. Hug for her. [demonstrating again] Roll
for you.

Chandler : Okay, the old hug-and-roll.

Ross : Yep.

Chandler : Okay, one question. You’re pretending the pillow is a girl,
right?

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting at a table eating jam on a pastry. Rachel
is standing there at the table. Ross and Chandler are on the couch.]

Joey : Remember when you were a kid, and your mom would drop you off at
the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon.

Rachel : [gazing] You’re so pretty.

[Phoebe walks in. They all greet her and she walks over by Joey at the table
he’s sitting at.]

Phoebe : [to the gang] Hi. Hey, oh, you know that guy who’s been following
me? I talked to him today.

Joey : [with a mouthful of jam and pastry] You talked to him? Are you
crazy? [spraying pastry toward Phoebe]

Phoebe : Okay, first, I’m not crazy and second, say it, don’t spray
it. Anyway, his name is Malcolm and he wasn’t following me. I mean, he was,
but just cause he thought I was Ursula, ick, and that’s why, that’s why he couldn’t
just come up and talk to me. [pause] Cause of the restraining order.

Chandler : Hmm. Not feeling better about Malcolm.

Phoebe : No. No. No. He’s not like, a kook. No. He’s just, like very
passionate, incredibly romantic guy that got just a teensy bit carried away.
You know. And we just get along really well. And he’s so cute.

Ross : Oh my god, you’ve got a crush on your sister’s stalker.

Phoebe : No. I’m just gonna help him, you know, get de-Ursulaized. Like
you know, I did for Joey after he went out with her.

Monica : Hey guys. [goes over to Joey and gives him a jar of jam] Joey,
this is for you. It’s blackberry-currant.

Joey : Awww. [takes a taste] Ooohhh.

Chandler : Hey Joe, I gotta ask. [holds up one hand] The girl from the
Xerox place, buck naked. [holds up other hand] Or a big tub of jam.

Joey : Put your hands together.

Monica : Joey, take your time with that. That’s my last batch.

Joey : [with a worried look, voice breaking] No more jam?

Rachel : Well, what happened with your jam plan?

Monica : I figured out that I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just
to break even, so I’ve got a new plan now. Babies.

Chandler : Oh, you’re gonna need much bigger jars.

Ross : What are you talking about?

Monica : I’m talking about me having a baby.

Rachel : Are you serious?

Monica : Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was I was taking control
of my life. So, I asked myself what is the most important thing to me in the
world and that’s when I came up with the baby plan.

Ross : Well, aren’t you forgetting something? What is that guy’s name?
Dad.

Monica : It took me twenty-eight years to find one man that I want to
spend my life with. If I have to wait another twenty-eight years, then I’ll
be fifty-six before I can have a baby. And that’s just stupid.

Chandler : That’s what’s stupid.

Monica : I don’t need an actual man. Just a couple of his best swimmers.
And there are places that you can go to get that...stuff.

Rachel : Down to the docks again?

[Scene: Chandler’s bedroom. Janice and Chandler are cuddling in bed.]

Janice : Night-night, Bing-a-Ling.

Chandler : Night-night, [pause] Janice. (in head) Look at all that
room on her side. You could fit a giant penguin over there. That’d be weird,
though. Okay. Hug-and-roll time. [he hugs Janice and rolls her over to her
side of the bed] I’m huggin’, I’m huggin’, you’re rollin’, and...yes! Freedom!
Except for this arm. I’m stuck...stuck arm. Okay. Time for the old tablecloth
trick. One fluid motion. Quick like cat. Quick like a cat. And one. Two. Three.
[he yanks his arm out from under Janice, sending her flying onto the floor with
a thud]

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Malcolm are sitting on the couch.]

Malcolm : Here’s my binoculars. [hands them to Phoebe]

Phoebe : Great. Doing great. Real strong. Going strong. Go on.

Malcolm : These are my night vision goggles. [hands the goggles to Phoebe]
This is the book I pretend to read when I’m watching her in the park. [gives
her the book] And these are mad libs...they’re just for fun.

Phoebe : Oh yeah. What’s this? [holding up a notebook]

Malcolm : This is the log I kept recording her every movement. You want
to hear something from it?

Phoebe : Not even a little bit.

Malcolm : It’s about you.

Phoebe : Oh. Okay then. [hands him the notebook]

Malcolm : [reading from book] I met Phoebe today. She is really nice
to me, even though I am such a loser. And then when I was walking home, I thought
about her a lot. It was weird, but kinda cool. [closes the notebook]

Phoebe : Good. So, what were you thinking?

Malcolm : I was thinking what it’d be like to kiss you.

Phoebe : Really?

Malcolm : No. See that’s just something I said now so that maybe I can
kiss you.

Phoebe : Oh. Okay. [they kiss]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica is coming out of the bedroom.
Joey and Chandler are in the kitchen. Ross is sitting on the couch. Rachel is
in the chair. Joey offers Chandler some jam.]

Chandler : No, it’s alright. I just had a jar of mustard.

Monica : [coming out of bedroom] Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come
on down. Okay, 6’2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.

Monica : What? Why? Why is this crazy? So, this isn’t the ideal way
to do something...

Ross : [interrupting] Oh, it’s not the ideal way...

Monica : Lips moving, still talking... it may not be ideal, but I’m
so ready. Now I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache. You know?

Joey : Check it out [dipping his crackers into the jam and displaying
it like it’s a new discovery]...jam crackers.

Monica : Okay. Alright, how’s this? [reading from paper] Twenty-seven,
Italian-American guy, he’s an actor. Born in Queens. Wow. Big family. Seven
sisters and he’s the only boy...[they all look over at Joey, who is totally
engRossed with his jam] oh my god, under personal comments, "New York Knicks
rule."

Janice : You know, where he hugs you and then he kinda rolls you away.
[realizing she has said something she probably shouldn’t have] And...oh...my...god.

[Scene: Subway station. Malcolm is walking down the dock, Phoebe trailing
behind him. She sneaks around so he doesn’t see her. He turns to go the other
way and sees her behind a trash can.]

Malcolm : Phoebe?

Phoebe : Yes? Yes! Oh.

Malcolm : What are you doing?

Phoebe : I was just looking for my...my [searching for anything] part
of an old sandwich. Here it is! [pulls sandwich out of garbage can]

Malcolm : Were you following me?

Phoebe : Um, perhaps...yes, yes...I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I was just afraid
that you were still hung up on my sister.

Malcolm : So you spied on me. I can’t believe you don’t trust me.

[Just then, Ursula walks by not noticing Phoebe or Malcolm.]

Phoebe : Oh, well, what do you know? There goes my identical twin sister.
Just walking along, looking like me. What, is this just, like a freakish coincidence
or did you know that she takes this train?

Malcolm : I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. I’m
so pathetic.

Phoebe : No. No. It’s not your fault, you know. It’s partly my fault.
Cause I made you quit cold turkey. Okay, well, I can’t date you anymore, cause
you’re, you know , wow [makes a wild gesture with her hands], but I will definitely
definitely help you get over my sister. Okay? Stalk me for awhile. Huh? And
I’ll be like an Ursula patch.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Joey is just coming in. Monica is getting
ready to leave. They exchange ’heys.’]

Joey : Where you going?

Monica : To the bank.

Joey : Sperm or regular?

Monica : Sperm.

Joey : So, you’re really doin’ it, huh?

Monica : Oh yeah, picked a guy. 37135.

Joey : Sounds nice.

Monica : I’d say so. Brown hair, green eyes.

Joey : No kidding? Hmmph...

Monica : What?

Joey : I figured you woulda picked a blond guy.

Monica : Really? Why?

Joey : I don’t know. I always pictured you ending up with one of those
tall, smart, blond guys named like, Hoyt.

Monica : Hoyt?

Joey : It’s a name. [smiles] Yeah. I saw you in this great house with
a big pool.

Monica : Is he a swimmer?

Joey : [grinning] He’s got the body for it.

Monica : [smiling] I like that.

[Joey visualizes something in his head and starts laughing and pointing at
Monica.]

Monica : What?

Joey : You guys have one of those signs that says "we don’t swim in
your toilet, so don’t pee in our pool."

Monica : We do not have one of those signs.

Joey : Sure you do. It was a gift from me. Oh...oh! And you have these
three great kids.

Monica : Two girls and a boy. [she sits at the table]

Joey : Yeah. [he sits down at table too]

Monica : And they wear those little water wings, you know, and they’re
running around on the deck and then, Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three
of them.

Joey : Sure. [noticing that Monica has stopped smiling, and looks very
sad] But hey, you know, this way sounds good too.

Monica : [looking very sad and depressed] Yeah.

[Joey gets up and stands behind Monica and puts his arm around her. They stay
there in silence for a moment. He looks down at the paper on the table.]

Joey : Wow, this guy’s an astronaut. That woulda been cool. [seeing
Monica and remembering her feelings] For like a day.

[He puts his arm around her again quickly and they stay that way silently.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel is sitting at the table with
Joey who is eating jam. Chandler is on the couch.]

Joey : [to Rachel] I called the sperm bank today. They haven’t sold a single
unit of Tribbiani. Nobody wants my product. [he tips back the jam jar and spills
jam all over his face, unaware that he has spilled any] I mean, I don’t get it.
Maybe if they met me in person.