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April 07, 2017

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According to a poll from Quinnipiac University, 38% of Americans are operating under the belief that whenever a news outlet references the Moscow Kremlin, they are referring to the alligator-like villain from the Donkey Kong video game series.

This news comes only hours after learning of the actual Kremlin’s animosity towards the United States missile launch, which targeted a Syrian military base. The missile launch was a direct response to Bashar al-Assad’s use of chemical weapons on innocent, helpless Syrian citizens including women, children, and regular people who definitely did not deserve to be gassed with Sarin despite whatever harm they had done in their life.

The poll pulled data from a wide variety of demographics, including caucasian men aged 18-22, as well as caucasian men aged 30-34.

Among these participants was Ben Sardona of Lancaster, PA. Mr. Sardona provided the following comment:

“Yeah I don’t know much about this whole foreign affairs industry or whatever but I do know for certain that those green sons of bitches made Donkey Kong Country nearly impossible to beat when I was a kid. I consider myself a pretty forgiving guy, and honestly I thought I had forgotten all about Donkey Kong- that was until I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and saw my sister-in-law post an article about how the Kremlins were all mad because we shot a bunch of missiles at their allies military base or something. As soon as I saw that word ‘Kremlin’ I felt the fire in me boy. Years and years of resentment from my childhood video game career came back and I got angry. Now listen, I’m not trying to get a virus on my computer, so no, I didn’t exactly "read the article,” but I have enough experience with Donkey Kong to know that if we bombed those sons of bitches, the probably did something to President Kong to deserve it.“

Today, like most days, there is a lot of misguided hostility in America.