My First Summer Without A Bikini

To be clear, modesty has never been a subject I have taken super seriously. I mean, I don’t wear clothes that are too revealing; and I don’t wear anything I would be ashamed of my mother seeing (but that’s partially because half of the time my mom has a better eye for what works in a outfit than I do…but that’s another post ). But when it comes to things like a bikini—come on. I live in Southern California. Everyone wears bikinis. And it’s just not that big of a deal…right?

Again I will say it: the Catholic university I go to pretty much rocks. I’ve had an awesome experience here, and for the most part I have embraced the rules and regulations that are in place and have really thrived from them.

The dress code was a different story.

Oh, I complied with it. But I definitely had a section of my closet at home that was referred to as “School Appropriate Clothing” (and it wasn’t exactly the largest part of my closet). Still, that was mostly because I needed to look more “professional” in order to attend class (as opposed to looking like a high schooler in shorts and a t-shirt), which I appreciated. My main issue was the part of the dress code that banned bikinis in the pool at the student apartments and at school-sponsored functions at the beach. I can still remember my thoughts, echoed by I’m sure a handful of other girls at my school:

We go to college in Southern California and they expect us to not wear bikinis? …Seriously?

So, for the longest time, I simply gritted my teeth, found a “modest” (which, in my mind translated to: not-nearly-as-cute-as-a-bikini) swimsuit, and dealt with the rule—but only when I had to. When I went to the beach with just my friends, I wore my bikini and got my tan on.

I don’t know that I can point to a moment when things changed. All I know is that last summer I was in a bikini, and this summer I’m not. Several months ago, I hardly thought twice about what the effect of what I am wearing will be on the men I meet out in public, and now I never leave the mirror in the morning without thinking about it.

I have come to realize that we live in a world in which guys are virtually expected to objectify women’s bodies. Of course, there is a difference between “appreciating” and “objectifying”—one is natural, the other is sinful. But that line is really thin for a guy, and it’s pretty hard to control—especially when he’s walking down the beach on any given Thursday in August.

This doesn’t mean that every guy who sees you in a bikini is objectifying you—it just means that it’s probably really hard for him not to be, at least on some level. From a Princeton University Study:

Another study performed on undergraduate students at Princeton found that when men are shown images of women in bikinis, they associate the women with first-person verbs, such as I “push,” “handle,” and “grab.” When shown images of modestly dressed women, the men associated the images with the third-person forms of the verbs, such as she “pushes,” “handles,” and “grabs.” In other words, the fully-clothed women were seen as being in control of their own actions, whereas the immodest ones were to be acted upon.

But I can’t leave this post without coming back at my most-used argument for why wearing a bikini was ok. It went something like this:

Guys are going to see girls in bikinis anyway, so they should just get used to it.

First of all, this is just not a very nice thing to do to guys we say we care about. It’s essentially saying, “yeah, I know you struggle with this; and even though I can, I’m not going to make this any easier on you”. Talk about selfish.

But more to the point, this argument is right in some respects. There are still going to be women in bikinis out there. For most guys, it’s a struggle to control their glances when they are surrounded by girls in bikinis (and can you blame them? Everything is out on display!). However, if I choose to cover up, then I am inviting the men I am with to be more present with me—not simply my body. Wouldn’t you rather have a guy paying attention to the conversation he is having with you than struggling to control his glances?

I love this. I have totally felt the same way and THIS summer went back and forth on whether or not to wear a bikini or my more modest bathing suits. I have both, and I think they are totally cute but I totally related to this: ” So, for the longest time, I simply gritted my teeth, found a “modest” (which, in my mind translated to: not-nearly-as-cute-as-a-bikini) swimsuit.” I have realized though that it takes a new kind of confidence to wear a more modest bathing suit than it took to wear a bikini because its definitely not the norm. But I feel so much more comfortable (especially around other people) when I am more covered up. It definitely took a lot of prayer (and help from my mom, haha) to get to a point where I am perfectly happy in my more modest bathing suits and confident enough to not care what everyone else is wearing, but I’m totally ready to embrace it :] Thanks for this post miss Mary!

I think you’ve hit on something when you say ”
it takes a new kind of confidence to wear a more modest bathing suit than it took to wear a bikini ” because it’s hard to stand out for a belief or conviction you might have to defend. I struggled with this for awhile, not the bikini part as I was never comfortable in one but in the amount of skin revealed by a bathing suit period. I now wear a custom made suit. It is sleeveless v-neck and goes down to the knee with a skirt over the shorts.

I’ve received nothing but compliments. It looks like a cute summer dress and when people find out it’s actually a swimsuit their faces always light up in pleasant surprise.

Thanks for your post! I’m a young mom with a four year old sweet little girl who I know will probably struggle with things like this. I’m glad you’re speaking up about it and putting the emphasis on respecting the way men are wired. It really does come down to common sense and charity.

This is a wonderful post! I’ve given up my bikini too and feel so much happier (except when I have to go to the bathroom… but it’s worth the awkwardness!) and less conscious of my body. I also know I am respecting my fellow Men by not intentionally leading them into temptation.

As a father of two boys and two girls, it’s great to read your post. Going to the beach in the summer is always an adventure, you never know what you’ll see. My boys wear swim shirts and shorts (it’s modest and helps the sun protection!) and my girls wear swim shirts with swim skirts (to be modest, yet feminine!). I do find myself having to stare at the sand alot, but hey, once I’m in the water playing with the kids life is great!

[…] Now, I’m no Scrooge when it comes to Halloween (or whatever the Halloween-equivalent of a Scrooge would be). And I didn’t write this post to lecture you beautiful ladies out there about the “cute” costumes you may be choosing to wear this month (but for a quick look at why you may want to re-think those, check out this post). […]

This is awesome! I’ve decided to ditch my bikinis this summer… First time:) where do you find modest ones that are still really cute? Googling “modest cute swimsuits” only brings up Duggar-style swim skirts that I don’t think I’d wear! I asked my mom to help me, but my mom doesn’t take the whole “modesty” thing as seriously as I do! She freaks out if we try on a dress
With cleavage but has been buying bikinis for herself, my sisters and I for years! But I’ve made up my mind this year and have turned down many offers to go to the pool with my family because I don have any non-bikinis

Try landsend.com – lots of cute styles and they have great sales in the fall at the end of the season. Or a get surfer style swim shorts and a tank or racer style swim top from some where like JCPenneys or Kohls. Good luck with your search!

Do you realize what the man in that video is saying? Do you realize what you are saying? He’s saying it’s YOUR fault a man can’t control his thoughts when he sees you in a bikini. This is an example of men blaming THEIR weaknesses on women. It is not up to us to control the thoughts of men. They know right from wrong, and you should not let them tell you it is your fault because you’re the woman who “tempted” them just by being a woman. I agree that we should all dress modestly, and that encompasses swimwear. There are modest bikinis and two-pieces. I also really like those one-pieces you linked. But I find it hard to believe that it is impossible for a man to look past a woman’s more revealing clothing to see who she is. I have plenty of male friends who are stronger than that. Passing this off as a woman’s fault is disgusting, and the least we all could do as members of the opposite gender is meet each other half-way.

I never said, nor did the man in the video say, that men cannot look past a woman’s more revealing clothing to see who she is. I did not, nor did the man in the video, say that it is a woman’s fault when a man lusts after a woman. I too have many male friends who are strong enough not to objectify a woman wearing more revealing clothing. Why make it difficult at all for him though? Why require him to “look past” our clothing to see who we really are when our clothing should be an expression of that (not a hindrance to it)?

Please, try to refrain from jumping to conclusions in order to make them fit your argument. You have put words in my mouth and in the mouth of the man in the video that were just not there. I do not appreciate it.

Dressing immodestly around a man who is trying to avoid the temptation of lust is like sticking an open bottle of alcohol in the hands of someone who doesn’t want to drink– they still have the choice but it’s unnecessary. I’m very grateful for my wonderful female friends who dress modestly and don’t make me exert conscious effort to resist wandering eyes. I’m personally much more likely to pursue a girl that’s modestly dressed because, while I work hard on the self-control, I’ve found in my experience that women who respect the sacred nature of their bodies are much more enjoyable to be around.

I think it’s important that understand from a Christian perspective that men aren’t going to be your final just on the matter. It’s Jesus. You had the right start. Don’t make it ok just because other women do it.

Hi, so I loved the Princeton University study, but I was surprised you didn’t mention the other study that showed that when men saw images of women in bikinis for as little as 1/10 th of a second, while they were seeing that image, the area in the brain used for handling tools “lit up” or became active. I wish I could refer you to some great peer-reviewed article with that information but truth is I got heard it from a clip on chastity.com, so you’ll have to do your own investigative research on that one. Meanwhile I also thought it was interesting and disturbing that as you said men are practically expected to see women as objects these days. Interesting that in a post feminist revolutionary society we have become more massaganist, not less. Thanks for the great work!

I AGREE WITH WHAT U SAID MARY. MANY WOMEN GO ON FB AND COMPLETELY EXPLOIT THEMSELVES. My sister is becoming catholic and I’m not against anyone’s beliefs, however I’m against all her provocative pics in her album, I don’t say anything because that’s her choice to post. I just think what example is she setting for her 15 and 5 year old daughters. So, this morning I deleted my fb account due to drama and seeing pics of half naked ppl. I just can’t wrap my mind around how a person constantly posts versus from the bible and still has all her pics of very explicit poses of herself. And as for me I have always been a modest woman, comfort and covered is more attractive than feeling uncomfortable in a bikini, I only wear my bikini in my fenced in backyard.