~ MA, CCC, RP, E-RYT

Monthly Archives: April 2013

Here, I will not speak of the inequalities faced by women. I am a woman, speaking of the privileges that come with being a woman. Fighting for women’s rights is something I am extremely grateful to our ancestors and modern day feminists for. I will not, in any way, dispute the role that the various forms of feminism and other social justice movements have played in bringing greater equality to the way in which our current systems are constructed. As a 32 year old female in 2013, living in Canada, I am experiencing the positive outcomes of the past century’s women’s rights movement. Now, how can we continue to stand up for equality in a way that doesn’t leave our boys and men behind?

Let’s first take a look at the very notion of gender equality. Equality, in my perspective, is much more subjective than the way we often reference it. The word equality is commonly used to describe balance, equal access, mutual respect, sameness, and promotion of horizontal rather than vertical structures of power distribution. In our history of fighting for gender equality, the focus has been on breaking down the barriers encountered by women, mostly, to have access to rights and privileges that are equal to those of men within patriarchal realms. The Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Trans/Queer communities have definitely brought an additional layer to the gender equality debates in recent decades by challenging the definition of gender in and of itself. These communities have joined with other social movement groups in raising awareness of where the real inequalities exist. What if you aren’t part of a group and aren’t sure what your identity is, but somehow experience a power imbalance in the way you are permitted, or not, to be who you truly are and express yourself openly and freely? I don’t think that it’s just about gender, but there are inequalities that are certainly constructed within social expectations of what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman. Layered and intertwined with these notions of gender-specific inequalities, we find the barriers related to economic class, race, culture, religion, ability, and more.

So, what does gender equality really look like today? I’m actually not sure because of how complex gender identity and social equality have become. What I am sure of is that many of the boys and young men that I work with have been emotionally deprived of the ability to heal and talk about some of the inequalities they have truly experienced because of the additional layer of inequality that exists within the context that boys and men are often taught to hide, suppress, and avoid certain deep emotions. Basically, the boys and young men I work with have demonstrated to me a layer of inequality that is socially constructed and one which women are not the victims of. More often than not, women are given the freedom to express emotions, speak truth, and be vulnerable. Growing up as a girl is different than growing up as a boy. I don’t think we can argue anymore that one or the other is better or worse from a perspective of equality. We can only argue that one is better or worse on the basis of his or her freedom of expressing who they are, healing from past wounds and dealing with real emotions freely and wholeheartedly.

Yes, women are the victims of male-perpetrated crimes. Men are also, and even more dramatically so, the victims of male-perpetrated crimes. Rather than focusing solely on the suffering experienced by the victims, I suggest we draw our attention to the suffering experienced by the perpetrators which is causing the replication of suffering among each person he (in cases where it is a man) takes it out on. The experience of being in a room with a group of court-mandated teenage guys and creating the context for them to talk about and name their feelings is something I do not take for granted. For them to be given permission, with each other, to talk openly and safely about the effects of male-on-male violence, bullying, the pain and anguish that resulted from the abandonment of their fathers, or the abuse they lived growing up, or the simple messages they have received about needing to act tough and never cry – for them to be given the freedom to express everything they have been taught to suppress is something I love being a part of. It’s also hilarious in a way that comes from the way in which they bring humour to every deep conversation.

Depending on how you look at it, anyone can experience inequality. It’s a privilege to be granted permission to talk about and express deep emotions without the fear of being rejected or put down. In today’s western world, women not only have the right to vote, thrive in their careers, and stand up for inequalities, but we also have the right to do it with passion and emotion. Let’s raise all children to have equal access to that.

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When people use the word respect, what they are often actually referring to is power and not respect at all, in the true sense of the word.

Bear with me as I elaborate on this notion.

The distinction between the language of power and respect is something I became aware of a few years ago after a lecture given by a police officer in Vancouver named Mike Knox. Knox goes into more depth about this notion in his book “Gangsta in The House”, indicating the misuse of the word respect as a norm in gang-related culture. I now lead discussions around this topic with the groups of teens I work with. They typically have a ton to say about it and understand the distinction and the paradox in our use of language quite quickly.

I will take you through the same conversation I facilitate in my work.

What is the difference between Power and Respect? With the teens, I write the two words at the top of two separate columns and we brainstorm ideas related to each.

POWER RESPECT

Dominance Trust

over/under Equality

can be used well or not Honesty

Often involves fear You like the other person

Intimidation You want to listen

Can be official or not Can be powerful

What it always inevitably comes down to is that the distinction is pretty simple: Power can be used in helpful or harmful ways; power and respect are not mutually exclusive; with power, one can be respectful; people in a position of power over others tend to exert the use of domination, intimidation, and creation of fear to get what they want rather than communicating genuine and mutual respect; the impact of using power in a dominance kind of way is that people tend to abide and listen to you out of fear, not at all out of respect for you. The teens are pretty quick to realize that when we mistaken our power for respect, it’s easy to live an illusion that people like you, when in fact. it might be that they have no respect for you at all and are too afraid to say it because of how you might use your power to impose consequences.

So, then we look at some of the common language that gets thrown around in relationships where there is a real and explicit hierarchy (parent-child, teacher-student, employer-employee, police officer-civilian, bullier-bullied, etc.). We say things like “you better show me some respect”, “if you don’t respect me, I’m going to…”, “don’t you dare disrespect me”, “you owe me respect”, “people have to earn their respect”, “no one disrespects me”, and so on.

In those statements, are we really talking about respect or are we covering up the fact that what we are really talking about is power? It seems pretty obvious to me. That misuse of the word respect is at the foreground of some of the fucked up power struggles that inevitably lead to high stress, conflict, punishment, and ego-driven realities in our hierarchical systems.

I obviously encourage the teens to look at their own use of language rather than to simply think of examples of times when they have been on the receiving end of the exertion of power. The question is, how do you respond to someone who is trying to dominate you, expecting you to respect them in return…

I like coming back to the quote I have blogged about before “It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them”. As soon as we start to puff up our chests and fight for the “respect” we think we deserve, our ego is getting tangled up in the power game. The way to invite respect into our lives is by being respectful. It’s that simple.

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When I tell people what I do for a living, I often get responses along the lines of: “I don’t know how you do the work you do”, “wow, that must be so hard”, and “good for you, I would never be able to do that kind of work”.

Like anyone, I sometimes get lost in confusion. And ,of course, the stories that I hear from some of my clients are beyond heartbreaking. The thing is, contrarily to what some people might think, my job isn’t to disconnect from the difficult emotions that some of the stories I hear may trigger. My job entails connecting with and hearing the resiliency that lies behind those stories, and to allow myself to fully experience that connection in a supportive and caring way – to go beyond the heartbreak that I may interpret and relate to and draw out the strengths I see.

Bobby is an 18 year old who immigrated to Canada from South America. I worked with him after he was discharged from the hospital following a cocaine overdose. His father was murdered when he was 5. By that age, he had already witnessed extreme domestic abuse. His family fled his native country two years ago because his step-father was wanted through messy drug-related debt.

Janessa is 14. She has scarred her body beyond repair. With two parents sentenced to a life of mental illness and drug addiction, she is being assessed for mental illness herself. Suicide attempts, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, confusing religious messages, bulimia, bisexuality, abandonment, and self-hatred are the dominant themes in her story.

Kerry is 16 and doesn’t know where she is from. She only knows she came to Canada from South Africa when she was 5. She has lost every family member except her father and brother and she has a sense of humour that can turn a whole room into smiles. She learned to be good at making jokes quickly after blocking out the tragedies she wishes to not speak of.

Whenever I feel disconnected, I turn to the mountains for the power and wisdom that they carry. Being immersed in the immensity and beauty of high peaks and deep valleys reminds me of the following:

I have never experienced war, genocide, or any kind of traumatic tragedy.

I have not been a witness to murder, suicide, or torture.

I have not experienced the fate of violence against women, genital mutilation, racism, extreme poverty, hunger, or disease.

I have not been beaten or abused by the people who are meant to care for me.

Some of my close ancestors have experienced the above and fortunately, by the time life got to me,

I am loved.

I am educated.

I am healthy.

…and I have more opportunities than many of the people who live beyond the mountains that I climb could ever possibly imagine.

As mental health professionals, we are privileged to stories of resiliency that are a gift to hold.

I only wish I could take some of the youth I work with up into the high landscapes and have them connect with themselves in a way that talk therapy could never provide.

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Every moment of every day presents us with opportunities to practice being present, speaking truth, listening, letting go, grounding, observing, paying attention to what is and what isn’t happening inside and all around us.

I am interested in all the beautiful complexities that make a person whole. I can only offer what I know. The rest I still have to learn.