We regret to inform you that the position you applied for has been filled. We further regret to inform you that there is a good chance you have severe psychological defects. The video résumé you sent us was the most disturbing thing many of us have seen in a long while. While we wish you the best of luck in your job search, we thank you for making our decision here so easy. We have decided to go with someone who is not a bipolar fame-seeking narcissist with sociopathic tendencies.

Regards,

Employer

Sound familiar? If you are one of the growing number of people creating video résumés, it probably does.

Not to say there aren't uses for video résumés. Porn stars, for example, should have video résumés. As should stand-up comedians and NFL quarterbacks. But the last thing anyone needs is a socially awkward CSS programmer detailing his hobbies (computers) and interests (computers) from his poorly decorated bedroom (posters of computers). There is a reason we have done it with paper for centuries. You can hide things in writing. Hell, you can pay a college-educated freelance Web writer $40 to write it for you. (Trust me, he'll take it). However, a lot can go wrong on video.

Your résumé says a lot about you. And what these videos say is, "Don't hire me." But don't worry, I'm here to help. Below are some common mistakes people make when producing their video résumés along with some evaluations, insights, and advice. Live, learn, and get a friggin' job.

Mistake #1: Being a Douche Bag

Goal: To be a professional entertainer.

Problem: While he seems to have all the important qualities for an entertainer (he can speak with and without his shirt on and he seems like he could beat me up), I'm worried about the fundamentals: Spelling. Dancing like a girl. Participating in Change of Heart. Some negatives can't be overcome with good lighting.

Recommended job: Abercrombie Greeter.

Mistake #2: Storytelling

Goal: To be successful.

Problem: He sets up an intriguing story that spans time and space. The story of a man desiring to be successful, who has visited various countries, attended numerous schools and knows a thing or two about product integration...and the ending will shock you! SPOILER ALERT -- It's him!

Recommended job: Hollywood scriptwriter.

Mistake #3: Enunciation

Goal: Undisclosed.

Problem: Simply an astounding lack of clarity. I've seen dogs get their point across clearer than this.

Problem: Would you juggle flaming torches and gas-powered chainsaws if you didn't know how to juggle? Of course not. So then why would you add visual effects to your résumé if you weren't experienced with the software? Do you really want employers watching your résumé saying, "OK, here we have Allen. He's a product manag-- OH MY GOD, what happened to Allen's face?! Oh, OK, there he is. So like I was saying, he's a produc-- OH MY GOD it's happening again!" I mean, it is irresponsible to employ tactics with which you are unfamiliar simply in an effort to distract people from your inherently unpersuasive core message.

Recommended job: Politics.

Mistake #5: Soundtrack

Goal: To drive your truck.

Problem: Dude, you're a truck driver. With this background music you may as well be hanging out in abandoned Park and Rides waiting to service truck drivers. Make the music match the message.

Recommended job: Britney Spears's new Svengali.

Mistake #6: Using Props

Goal: To secure a position in sales management

Problem: It's a fact: The longer a person talks, the more likely they are to make an ass out of themselves. To wit, stick around for the four-minute mark. It's like watching a marathoner stumble around at the end of a race. "Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while."

Problem: Generally speaking, Shakespeare has never gotten someone a job. For centuries, what Shakespeare has done is make actors look like assholes. But hey, at least being unemployed is romantic, right?