Hi to everyone!
Im quite new to the concept of polyamory and non monogamy. I will be very grateful for any advice from anyone who had more experience regarding my situation. Not a life-threatening one, but maybe too trivial for most people. But I just feel awkward to be discussing this question to my traditional friends.

Im a single straight guy (late 20s) and had been in monogamous relationships in the past, but for the first time, I recently started dating a married woman who claims to be in a polyamorous open relationship situation with her husband or partner. I didnt know it at first but she revealed it to me on our first date so that I will have an 'informed decision' according to her. I still like her but Im not so sure if this poly thing is my cup of tea, but I can try if it will work.

My concerns are:
1. Is this a crazy idea, that is being involved with a married woman? Should I give it a try, having a monogamous programming since childhood? I really like her.

2. How do I know that she is not cheating or that they are really in a consensual non monogamous relationship?

3. Perhaps, part of my concern is the awkward feeling, like, will i get into trouble in dating her? I mean legally or getting into trouble with her partner
4. Are there guidelines or etiquette for dating a married poly woman? any links or references or experiences or advices?

5. If ever I could pull this off right, what are the chances this will work? Any cases or similar situations you know of? I mean Im a single guy and they are a married couple. My objective is to make this into a long term relationship if possible, not just a fling.

Thanks so much for reading this and for whatever thoughts, inputs, advices you can throw in :)

LovingRadiance

09-13-2012 08:06 AM

Advice, meet husband.

If they are openly poly, that shouldn't be an issue.

I'm a married polyamorous woman with a long term boyfriend (I would call him life partner). We all live together with our kids. So, yes, it can work. Legal trouble, have to know the laws in your area to identify that risk. With husband trouble, meet the husband to identify that risk.

AnnabelMore

09-13-2012 03:40 PM

Yup, meet the husband, talk with him, shake his hand. If they're really poly, he'll respect you for it. As for the rest, great reading at www.morethantwo.com on a variety of topics related to your situation. I've been dating a married woman for there years, so yes it absolutely can work, but it can certainly also be hard. Unless she specifically says she wants a "co-primary", a second life partner along with her husband, chances are good her relationship with you will have certain limits in terms of time, energy, priority. Can you be ok with that? You by no means need to run out and find another partner right now, but I would strongly suggest that you yourself stay open to the notion of having more than one partner at some point.

ThatGirlInGray

09-13-2012 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RickX
(Post 154412)

1. Is this a crazy idea, that is being involved with a married woman? Should I give it a try, having a monogamous programming since childhood? I really like her.

Crazy? No. Difficult? Yes. Regarding your monogamous programming, how good are you at shedding other society- or parental-ingrained ideas? Have you gone through any processes to find your own religious or political beliefs? Or do you pretty much follow what you were raised with? It's not that one is right and one is wrong, by the way, it just speaks to how able you may be to see past your monogamous programming. If you really like her, it might be worth trying.

Quote:

2. How do I know that she is not cheating or that they are really in a consensual non monogamous relationship?

As others have said, meet (or at least talk to) the husband.

Quote:

3. Perhaps, part of my concern is the awkward feeling, like, will i get into trouble in dating her? I mean legally or getting into trouble with her partner

Again, meeting her partner is part of this, but legal trouble, at least for dating, is unlikely (does depend on your location, though). How many cheaters would be in legal trouble if that were the case?!

Quote:

4. Are there guidelines or etiquette for dating a married poly woman? any links or references or experiences or advices?

Ummm...I'm a married woman with a husband and a boyfriend. In my experience, it's hard. You have to REALLY want a relationship with this person and be willing to do extra work beyond the normal relationship efforts to be successful. But, for the right person, it's totally worth it.

Quote:

5. If ever I could pull this off right, what are the chances this will work? Any cases or similar situations you know of? I mean Im a single guy and they are a married couple. My objective is to make this into a long term relationship if possible, not just a fling.

Like LovingRadiance, my boyfriend is a life-partner. It is possible. Now the chances of achieving that? Probably about the same as turning any other date into a long-term relationship. Every relationship has its issues and difficulties, so I don't think her being a married poly woman is an insurmountable obstacle unless one of you (which includes you, her, or her husband, at this point) make it so.

And I'll second what Annabel said- you may want to go into this open to the idea of you having another partner sometime in the future. If, eventually, you want someone to build a home and family with, she may not be able to meet that need. One of the reasons our situation works so well is because my partner specifically does NOT want to get married again or have more kids, and he likes a LOT of alone time, so he's perfectly satisfied with what I'm able to give him. Not everyone would be, though.

Vixtoria

09-14-2012 01:08 AM

Okay I'm going to give a different answer. See I am married, have kids, and yes a boyfriend. He was brought up very mono and very religious actually. His strong faith is part of what I love about him even though we do not share the same beliefs on everything.

He has had to do a lot of questioning and asking about us and about himself to see if this was something he could do. Much of that is internal work. Though don't get too worried. Hubby and I had to do a lot of internal work before all this too! Being strong in yourself and each relationship is important.

It can work out yes. Long term is what we want, and though it means it will be a different relationship than the one hubby and I have, it won't be less. I'm not expecting or looking for a brother husbands thing. Or a threesome, as both my men are straight! So no there will be no bed sharing, but I don't rule out living near each other, having intertwined lives. I don't expect bf to start acting like another parent to my kids. He has talked with them, and we don't label things. They call him by his name, he has nicknames for all of them. He sends them things he knows they are interested in and they share their good news with him as well. You could say it's like he's an uncle but again, we don't label and they know he is a love in my life, they are all pre teen and teen however, and have grown up around lots of different kinds of families so are okay not labeling things.

That will probably be the hardest part. We as people like labels. They tell us what to expect. Having a relationship that has no label or no label you are familiar with takes some getting used to. Don't be afraid to ask if you need reassurances. If you need to talk it out a lot. With her, with both of them. Take it slow, be honest and you should be fine!

RickX

09-14-2012 10:22 PM

Thanks so much LovingRadiance, AnnabelMore, ThatGirlInGray, Vixtoria for your thoughts and advices.

So the consensus is that I should be meeting the husband. Im having cold feet just thinking of that. Anyhow, if that will give me peace of mind and help minimize any future trouble, then it may be worth the try. And I feel she is worth all the hassle.

But to tell you guys frankly, when I told her that my ideal relationship is long term and family-like, and she indicated that it may be possible, it did not occur to me that it might be in the context (poly context) of your experiences of being married and having a bf/life partner (esp. that of Vixtoria's). At the back of my mind, I rejoiced and was thinking that she might want me to replace her husband as his primary partner (or she was anticipating a separation) at some point in time (i apologize... i know this kind of thinking is a polyamory taboo...remember my mindset is originally mono). And thus, my reluctance to the possibility of meeting her husband.

Lastly, if I get to meet both of them, will I not be giving an impression that I want to have a relationship with both of them, like a triad? Im a straight guy, and has no plans of a 3-way relationship. No idea what the sexual orientation of her husband could be :)

Vixtoria

09-14-2012 10:29 PM

Okay first of all, don't feel bad about your assumptions. You realized that they were inaccurate and now know not to operate on those anymore. That's much different than the 'cowboy' philosophy that causes problems. Which is much more like trying to make the other person choose and choose you.

Right now, you are just discussing the possibility of a relationship. Dating and seeing what happens. There's no (or should be no) expectations of how you will end up. Maybe you decide later that it's not the kind of long term relationship you want. That's fine. As for giving the impression of a triad. No. I don't think meeting the husband will do that at all! As I may have mentioned, both of the men I am with are very straight. So straight that they both marvel at me 'going for them'. I'm pansexual and quite open.

There has NEVER been the expectation that someone I am dating will be involved with hubby! Typically if the couple is looking for someone like that, they put it right out in the beginning. So I wouldn't be overly concerned about it. Mention it, sure. Tell them you are new to all of this, ask questions, verify things. Don't assume!

I am constantly telling bf (also new to poly) to read up on things. I send him things here to read, as does hubby. We want him to ask, to verify, to understand. We want all of us to be on the same page and that only happens when we ask, admit to having a 'bad poly day', or that we need some extra space/assurances/cuddles.

ThatGirlInGray

09-14-2012 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RickX
(Post 154759)

Lastly, if I get to meet both of them, will I not be giving an impression that I want to have a relationship with both of them, like a triad? Im a straight guy, and has no plans of a 3-way relationship. No idea what the sexual orientation of her husband could be :)

Nope. Asking to meet the husband just to be sure everything is kosher in no way suggests that you want anything more than an amicable acquaintanceship with him. If you guys get to be friends, like MC and TGIB are, awesome. That will likely make things easier all the way around. But very few people manage to date as a couple- the odds of finding someone who clicks with both parties are just so unfavorable. Triads DO happen, of course, but if you're straight then this particular configuration wouldn't work for you anyway, so don't waste time and energy worrying about it. If he meets you and is attracted? A simple, "Thanks, I'm flattered, but I'm not attracted to men." is sufficient. Anyone who doesn't respect that isn't someone you want to be in a relationship with anyway!

AnnabelMore

09-14-2012 10:56 PM

All these questions still floating around -- why not just ask her straightforwardly? Are you looking for someone to share your life with *along* with your husband or *instead* of your husband? Are you and your husband looking for a triad? Much more efficient than speculating here. :)

LovingRadiance

09-15-2012 12:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RickX
(Post 154759)

Lastly, if I get to meet both of them, will I not be giving an impression that I want to have a relationship with both of them, like a triad? Im a straight guy, and has no plans of a 3-way relationship. No idea what the sexual orientation of her husband could be :)

Nope, but there's no harm AT ALL in being point blank.

My husband and my live in-life partner are both straight men. We do not share a sleeping space (the three of us) we do not have sex together etc. Neither of them is comfortable with either.

Some people have straight partners who are ok sleeping together, but not sex.
Some have straight partners who are ok with 3-somes but the two outside people just focus on giving the "hinge" person the time of their lives.

It's really a very personal choice.

In our case-my boyfriend is absolutely straight, vanilla and monogamous. Totally NOT interested in anything remotely involving 3 people in one bed. :)

We all live together. But, someone else on the board has a home with an apartment in the basement-her boyfriend "rents" that apartment. So they are in the same BUILDING-but boyfriend and husband both have their own "homes". Having been to their home, I think it's an AWESOME set up.

In my "dream world" we will have property with several homes on it-and the guys won't be in the same house, but we'll all be on the same property.
Shrug-its all about taking time to truly identify each persons needs versus wants (I like to say hard limits versus soft limits) and then figuring out the imaginative ways they can be met. ;)