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Hey, kids. T-Haus, here. Guess what? I am at Day 3 of The Master Cleanse! Betcha thought I wouldn’t make it, eh? Well, to that I say, “Hoo-hah!” Yes-sir-ee, nothin’ but lemon juice, water, maple syrup and cayenne peppa for this chickie. I must say that I feel pretty darn good, too. I won’t lie; the last couple of days were brutal. Monday, I wasn’t feeling good at all, in fact. I got a headache which gradually became worse. I took a long nap in the afternoon, and when I awoke, my headache was even worse. I did a few things around the house, but did not write or meditate at all. I did watch a weird movie on Showtime about a little girl who gets kidnapped… Gardens of the Night. I pretty much agree with this review from The New York Times: http://movies.nytimes.com/2008/11/07/movies/07gard.html?ref=movies. In general; not the greatest flick, and yet it still manages to leave you with a sick feeling in your gut, if you can get all the way through it. Welcome to the world of missing children, kiddie porn and sex slavery. If you are a parent of small kids, and have still not told them about why they should never–EVER–talk to strangers, let alone get into a car with one–no matter how nice they might seem–then shame on you. And you should be required to watch this film. …Otherwise, don’t bother. And if for some reason, you’re a kid who is reading this… What are you doing on the internet without parental supervision? Stop reading my blog. I sometimes have a foul mouth–er–pen–er–keyboard (I’m trying to get better). And don’t watch Gardens of the Night. Yuck-o. And don’t talk to strangers, take candy from strangers, or get into cars with strangers. All right. Enough about that creepy, would-be after-school special; were it not for the sex, drugs, violence and foul language.

So, back to The Master Cleanse. After watching the marginal-at-best movie, I realized that I had watched the whole thing, and still had a killer headache. Oh, and Spoiler-Alert: the ending sucked, too. So not only did I feel like crap, I had mental indigestion from a gross film that never got any better. I think that was the deal… I kept thinking as I was watching, “This has to get better.” It didn’t. It got worse, kind of like my headache. I went to bed, and the next morning, my headache was evenworse. We’re talking blinding.“Man, does this suck!” I thought, while I mixed myself a fresh glass of Master Cleanse lemonade through the stars that danced before my eyes. Okay. So halfway through the morning when I was on my second glass, I cheated. I took half an aspirin. But then my headache started to go away, and by late afternoon, I started to feel better. I went and had a cup of tea with my pal, Fred at Starbucks, came back home, had some more lemonade, and by the time Jon Stewart rolled around, my headache was completely gone. Today I feel almost great. The stomach is a bit chatty and rumbly, but otherwise pretty good. I did do “The Internal Salt Bath,” again this morning, as is recommended… I hate that shit. Literally. Same reaction as day one. I may just stick with the Smooth Move tea from here on out. Had a cup before bed last night. It’s okay… better than a quart of hot salt water, and hopefully, it won’t give me the same trouble. FYI, I’m still fantasizing about real food… anything… bacon… bagel with cream cheese… dill pickle… parsley… quesadilla del mar… honestly, I keep going back to the pb & j sandwich… or tuna fish. And whatever you’re thinking, stop, because you’re wrong. Any real food sounds luxurious right now, and that is that. …But I shall remain strong…

Also known as “The Lemonade Diet,” I have decided to give this thing a whirl. “Why, oh why, T-Haus, would you do something so completely insane?” You may ask. Well, my dear friends, I am, after all, the original Creative Beast, and therefore, usually up for some sort of adventure. I must admit, however, that this “adventure,” seems about as enthralling as getting the flu, which I suppose for some, is a weight loss program of sorts–and–Oh, golly! It is nearly time for my second helping of water, fresh squeezed lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper! …I can barely contain myself. And that reminds me, I must tell you how my day began… with the recommended “Internal Salt Bath.” Sounds clean, right? Huh. This is a laxative, folks. And I am here to say that it works. There is a reason that they tell you to “wait two hours before leaving the house.” If you must try this–ONLY–TRY THIS AT HOME! That’s all I have to say about that.

By now, you might be asking yourself, “Trish… T-Haus… Dumbass… why the hell do you wanna do this? You, who are a lover of food, glorious, food …and beverages?” And I say to you this: I heard it’s a good way to get rid of toxic crap that your body stores, AND you can shed a few. But there is another reason I’m doing it. If you’re already a hard core Creative Beast, then you know that I am pretty sure that meditation is a big key, if not the key to unlocking a realm of personal possibilities and opportunities that exist in the world as we know it. So. I’m doing a little personal experiment. I feel I may have a better ability to transcend while meditating if I do this cleanse-thingy. They recommend that you try it for ten days or more if you can hack it. I’ll be impressed enough with myself if I can do five. We shall see. So far, I’ve fantasized about a vanilla latte, a toasted peanut butter and jelly English muffin, and Fage Greek yogurt (pronounced fah-YEH) with blackberries, toasted pine nuts and honey… one of my favorite things in the world (thanks, Demitra, for teaching me about Greek yogurt). I like to slice some of the big, fat blackberries in half because they look pretty and I like the added texture. I mix the blackberries with about a tablespoon of fresh lemon juice, a couple or so tablespoons black raspberry honey from The Wisconsin Honey Cooperative, and about a 1/4 teaspoon of Nielsen-Massey Madagascar bourbon pure vanilla extract (this is the only vanilla I ever use because it IS true vanilla, and it’s how vanilla is supposed to taste). Anyway here it is. I made it the other day… today I am only dreaming about it.