SHOUTS & MUR.MUR.S
SUMMER. FUN FOR. BOYS
BY TIM LONG
Y ou're gifted, you're pudgy, and
you're nine. And now you have
three whole months off from school!
Here are just a few ways to fight bore-
dom and enjoy your summer break:
Open a lemonade stand. On the sec-
ond day, post a sign next to it reading,
"CLOSED OWING TO HIGH TAXES AND
RED TAPE. THANKS, OBAMACARE!"
Then chat up the Fox News crew that
instantly appears in your driveway.
Beg Dad to take you to the beach.
Hear him out as he tells you that he
can't take you to the beach. Tell him
that Mom's boyfriend, Glen, always
takes you to the beach. Listen as Dad
sighs the longest sigh you've ever heard.
Get your swim trunks! You're going to
the beach!
At the beach, build the biggest
sandcasde anyone's ever seen. Pretend
that it's 2005, and take out a huge, ad-
justable-rate mortgage on the sandcas-
tIe which you really can't afford. Throw
lavish sandcastle parties for seashells,
rocks, plastic shovels, and candy wrap-
pers. When the bank comes to fore-
close on your castle, run and find your
dad. Try not to look surprised when
you discover him sitting with a lady in
a green swimsuit. Her name is Terri.
While shaking Terri's hand, ask her for
a seven-hundred -thousand -dollar loan
to cover your sandcasde debts. Before
she can answer, run back and kick over
the sandcastle. Take that, subprime
lenders!
Call Senator John Thune's office, and
tell the person who answers the phone
that you're doing a summer-school proj-
ect on the Senate. When Senator Thune
calls you back, ask him why on earth he
chose not to run for President-he's
over thirty-five, and born in this coun-
try, and what's the holdup? When he
tries to explain about the hardship it
would be to his family, lose your cool
and yell, "Cut the crap, Thune!" As he
tells you to stop being rude, yell, "Boo,
Thune! Boooooo, Thuuuuune!" Brag to
your friends later that you got hung up
on by a U.S. senator!
Go downstairs one morning to find
Dad sitting at the breakfast table with
that lady from the beach. When he says,
"You remember Terri, right?," mumble
something, then go outside and do a
somersault. Then do another somer-
sault, and another, until you've reached
the end of the block. Then keep going!
Somersault past Menlo Park, New Jer-
sey, where Thomas Edison invented the
commercial electric-light bulb, and
Buffalo, New York, where President
McKinley was shot by an anarchist.
Grab a quick dinner in Holland, Mich-
igan, home of the world's largest pickle
factory, then somersault back home, up
the stairs, and into bed. When Dad
comes in and asks, 'Where were you all
day?," pretend that you're already asleep.
Because you are, pretty much-somer-
saults are exhausting!
Wake up one day to learn that Dad
and Terri are going away to Europe for
two weeks, and you're going to sleep-
away camp. One night, while making
s'mores with your fellow-campers,
bring up America's childhood-obesity
problem. Say, "What we need isn't
s'mores. It's lenoughs! Am I right?" Try
not to look hurt when the others point
out that you are by far the fattest boy at
the camp. You were just trying to make
a joke. Kids are so mean!
When Dad and Terri come to pick
you up at camp, ask how Europe was.
Don't be surprised when they are very
quiet; they're probably as enraged by the
s'mores incident as you are.
Organize a scavenger hunt with
your friends. Rapidly gather up all but
the last two items: a pinecone and
something French. While searching in
the woods for the pinecone, notice a
beautiful woman strolling next to a
stream. It's the French actress Marion
Cotillard! She's also on a scavenger
hunt, looking for a clever American
boy. Work out a deal with Ms. Cotil-
lard: the two of you will run to your
house and collect first prize in your
scavenger hunt (a Popsicle), then fly to
Paris and collect first prize in hers (a
billion dollars' worth of rubies and em-
eralds). Qyickly realize that the plan is
unrealistic, as she's due to start filming
in Canada tomorrow. As you part
ways with Marion, exchange a bitter-
sweet smile that means everything and
nothing.
Then run back and discover that
your friend Stevie has already won the
scavenger hunt. His "something French"?
A bag of frozen French-toast sticks.
Fume.
At a late-summer cookout, try to eat
twenty burgers. Eat five, throw up, eat
two more, throw up again. The next
day at breakfast, ask Dad if Terri saw
you eat all those burgers. When he says
nothing, realize for the first time that
Terri wasn't there.
During the last week of August,
walk to Walmart to buy school sup-
plies. Along the way, approach a man
and a woman shaking hands and ask,
"Is this what sex is?" Repeat with cou-
ples who are gardening, eating lunch,
waiting for a bus, and playing miniature
golE
At the end of the summer, get a
postcard in the mail: "It was really nice
getting to know you. Much love, Terri."
Cross out the last line and write, "Avec
amour, Marion Cotillard." Put the note
in a drawer, and lose it sometime
around Halloween. .
THE NEW YORKER, AUGUST I, 2011 31