Tag Archives: IDS

The Young Conservatives are to get a new uniform fit for Brexit Britain, it has been announced.

Speaking to the BBC, Iain Duncan Smith said: “The Scouts have an official uniform, Britain First have an official uniform, so it is only right that the youth wing of the Conservative Party also has a uniform.”

“The Hitler Youth had a really spiffing uniform and was very successful at mobilising young people in the righteous and Christian cause of hatred, so that is what we’ve modeled our new uniform on.”

The former Minister for Manslaughter continued: “By relaunching Young Conservatives as an exciting militaristic organisation, we hope to teach young people to embrace greed and hate the poor, the disabled and foreigners.”

“As Conservatives, it is important that we continue to promote Tory values. Like the Scouts, our members will be awarded badges for successfully completing Conservative activities, such as hounding disabled benefit claimants to death, successfully getting away with white collar crimes like as expense fraud, or laying waste to the entire British economy for personal financial gain.”

“Our camping trips will teach important survival skills, especially how to convince a gullible public that we Tories are the party of the working class, or how blame immigration for your own policy failures.”

“Sleeping in our two-man tents, will also allow older, married members of the Conservative Party to form lifelong relationships with unsuspecting young people.”

Immediate action must be taken over an alleged ‘left wing bias’ in the British electorate, Tories have demanded.

Speaking on Newsnight, Iain Duncan Smith said: “Over the last few weeks we’ve seen the British electorate gradually turn its back on Theresa May, and warm to Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour.”

“There are a number of complex reasons why Britain has become more left wing since 2010, but this is nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that our sick policies have caused many early deaths among the poor and disabled, some of whom died through starvation or shortly after being declared fit to work.”

“Irrespective of the reasons, this left wing bias in the electorate is unfair on the Conservatives and I demand that the authorities take urgent action to address it.”

“There needs to be a level playing field, something that would allow lying shits like me to put out all kinds of sick propaganda without being called out by the media.”

“Conservative councils could act by forgetting to send out postal ballot papers to Labour areas, accidentally on purpose of course. They could also consider supplying polling station staff with the 2015 electoral register instead of the 2017 version, disenfranchising all the newly registered young voters who will mostly vote Labour.”

“Otherwise, we Tories would never, ever get elected. And if we can’t get elected, how would be we able to siphon off public money to give to our spiv friends and, sometimes, ourselves?”

A family of super rich freeloaders are to receive even more free money than they get already, the Tories have announced.

A government spokesman said: “Thanks to savings made by snatching money from the poor, the government can now afford to give a massive amount of extra cash to the Royal Family.”

“The government takes very seriously its responsibility to ensure everybody lives somewhere which is fit for human habitation, unless of course you are a tenant of one of the many buy-to-let Tory MPs, in which case fuck you.”

“Today we can announce a new initiative which will allow us to pretend to be some kind of workers’ party. Our plan is to repair substandard housing with funds from the taxpayer, so that no family will ever again have to live in slum conditions, with a leaking roof, or with dodgy electrics.”

“However, as there isn’t the money to repair all the houses in the country, we have no choice but to initiate this with a staggered roll-out, starting with the richest and therefore the most deserving people in society.”

Iain Duncan Smith added: “I spoke to some poor people this morning, and all of them agreed that their poverty, starvation and possible death due to benefit cuts is definitely worth it now they know their money is going to a good cause such as the Royal Family.”

“It doesn’t matter that they were all paid actors, because in this post-truth world I have the right to just invent any facts I want and claim they are real.”

Tory members of Parliament have demanded that social media users stop exposing them as heartless cunts, it has emerged.

Iain Duncan Smith said: “As Minister for Manslaughter, I voted to take money away from disabled people because it is in the national interest for the most vulnerable people to be demonised, hounded and starved to death.”

“I also tried to get as many children into poverty as possible, through a series of sadistic cuts to benefits, and an unfair regime of sanctions which punish benefit claimants for things like being ill or dead.”

“I am now quite shocked and saddened that social media users are exposing me as a heartless cunt by publicising my voting record and excessive expense claims on Facebook and Twitter.”

“This has to stop, and we will be consulting lawyers about what action we can take to shut down this unwelcome dissent.”

Mr Duncan Smith added: “Just because we’re enacting Nazi policies in modern Britain, that doesn’t give social media users the right to expose the truth about heroes like me.”

Iain Duncan Smith will release an uplifting film about people who died shortly after their benefits got sanctioned, it has been announced.

It is understood that the film is intended to counter what Mr Duncan Smith called ‘the left wing fantasy’ of Ken Loach’s latest film, and is written and directed by the former Minister for Work and Pensions himself.

The professional liar told Newscrasher: “I am proud of my record of killing a large number of benefit claimants via unfair cuts and sanctions, and I wanted to make an uplifting film about that.”

“However, unlike Ken Loach, I wanted to make a film that is not based on the real life experiences of anybody, ever. It will be based on true events, but only because people really are dying as a consequence of having their benefits sanctioned. Everything else will be purely fictional.”

The provision title of the film is reported to be ‘I Duncan Smith’, although there is said to be some debate about whether to change to Mr Duncan Smith’s reportedly preferred title ‘I Came, I Saw, You Starved to Death in a Freezing Home’.

Speaking to Sky News, right wing hack Toby Young said: “There’s a particularly moving scene where Ian just walks over and tips a disabled lady out of her wheel chair, right in the middle of a Job Centre and screams at her: ‘Get up, get up, I command you to stand on your own two feet, and I’ll sanction anybody here who tries to help this woman’.”

“I was moved to tears, tears of joy, at seeing Mr Duncan Smith’s commitment to brutalising those most in need of help from the state.”

After watching the trailer, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg also praised the film: “At last, a film that shows the positive side of Ian Duncan Smith’s visionary policy of hounding the poor, the sick and the disabled to their deaths through stress, starvation and homelessness.”

“The fact that Jeremy Corbyn has refuses to accept the wisdom of Ian Duncan Smith’s war on the poor just goes to show how utterly unelectable he is.”

Iain Duncan Smith has criticised left-wing film-maker Ken Loach for being out of touch with spivs and high net worth individuals, it has emerged.

The former Minister for Manslaughter said: “It’s all very well Ken Loach making films about the supposed plight of people who I plunged into poverty during my tenure as Minister for Manslaughter, but he needs to realise how out of touch he has become to spivs and high net worth individuals who don’t pay any tax.”

“The plot of his new film, ‘I, Daniel Blake’ paints an inaccurate picture of the lives of people who need to use benefits in order to survive.”

“When benefit claimants are sanctioned, they gain the freedom to take control and look for new opportunities to identify efficiency savings, such as starving or freezing to death due to lack of money.”

“Many claimants whose benefits were stopped for no good reason quickly freed themselves from having to pay extortionate rents to greedy landlords, some of whom are Tory MPs, by becoming homeless and living on the streets.”

“In addition, numerous actors paid by the DWP to make statements in support of my fantasy have thanked me for helping to turn their lives around through my cruel regime of sanctions and fitness to work assessments.”

“I am truly proud of my record as Minister for Manslaughter, but I’m even prouder of my exceptionally bald head.”