The Pure Uncut.

September 13, 2013September 13, 2013

This Ain’t Funny, So Don’t You Dare Laugh.

I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit. Man, I love Erykah Badu. I love her vibe, her sound, her (ass)ets, and all her albums. For me, this has to be one of the best lines on her Live album, and it’s not even a lyric, but a regular ass statement. Hands down, this statement made me want to be some type of artist and do some artistic shit. I didn’t care if it was drawing stick figures humping each other, or cutting grass – makes no sense to me either. Dammit, it would’ve been art to me, therefore giving me the excuse to say, “I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit.Yeah I probably overreacted, but she didn’t have to call me little Willie in front of the homies.

What does this have to do with the rolls on Rick Ross? I’m glad you asked. I know us menfolk make it seem as if women are the only ones who are sensitive and sometimes, can’t take a joke. The real truth, however, is that we are just as sensitive, if not more, well Drake and Frank Ocean are. I will admit that there a few things that I am sensitive about, not in a Wayna Morris/Babyface kind of way, but in a some-things-should-be -left-alone kind of way. For example, I’ll approve on my posts any comment, whether it’s good or bad. Now, if you say something about my mother, then I’m showing up at your house looking like this.”

Men and women tend to take different routes when it comes to taking cheap shots or making jokes. When a man makes a joke at a woman’s expense, then people will laugh, and she’ll say, “I’ll get you back later!”; but when a woman makes a joke at a man’s expense, then it’s followed by awkward silence and chances are that shots will be fired. For those who live in Chicago – (shots fired I know), this may be a common thing. Go ahead and marinate on that for a minute.

While we can dish it, we can’t always take it. Add to that, the women who are taking shots are usually going for the family jewels, because he might have said something like, “your knees are ashy” and then somebody laughed, which didn’t help the situation. She got in her feelings and came back with, “well at least my mother’s nickname wasn’t Betty Hoover, who was able to buy your school shoes based on how many blow jobs she’d given. What? Why you lookin’ all crazy? You know it’s true. Oh, you don’t think it’s funny when you’re the butt of the joke? Double standard, hypocritical, shriveled d*cked p*ssy!” In which case, your homies will be pouring out 40’s while you are in the gangsta lean.

Something like that.

So this has got me to thinking about jokes that you probably shouldn’t make to a man, lest you want somebody to possibly end up dead.

1. His Height.

I don’t have this problem since I’m 6’2, and 6’3 on Wednesdays, but some men will curl up into the fetal position if you say something about their height. We like for you to think of us as your protectors, since we like to project confidence and strength. But saying something like, “you aren’t as tall as my last boyfriend, at least his legs didn’t swing when he sat on the toilet” could lead to a murder-suicide.

2. His Mother.

Leave his mother out of it, unless you want to literally dig your own grave . It doesn’t matter if his mother is June Cleaver, or the President of the National (Hoe)nor society, where she is not only the client, but she’s also the President; his mother will be always viewed as pristine as the Virgin mother, unless she’s Jimmy Darmody from Boardwalk Empire’s mother, in which case she is the President of the National (Hoe)nor society and is therefore, fair game.

3. Smashing the Homie(s)

In our eyes, our woman is loyal even to a fault, so jokingly telling us you would, or that you did, smash one of the homies (even if it isn’t true) does not sound like a joke to us. And now we have to go visit the homies with the kidnap kit that includes a rope made of hemp, powdered latex medical gloves (because the stitching on leather gloves can be traced), a roll of duct tape (not that I know anything about it), and be prepared to make him disappear. Now, who wants to do that? Besides, who has time to be fingerprinted and forced to stand in a line up? No matter how many times you say, “baby, it was just a joke,” you’ve planted already that seed of doubt because, well, who the f*ck makes a joke like that? Again…women go too f*cking far.

4. Calling Him Inches, When His Name is Miles.

Publicly or privately, it is beyond me why any woman would want to embarrass her man about the size of his “love below.” The result is making him feel like he doesn’t measure up (see what I did there?) and having him question his whole existence. Come on now… we know how much of a man’s existence is tied to his “manhood” and pride. Eventually, this will cause him to whip it out, slam it on your forehead, and say, “measure me”; or if he’s really in his feelings, then he’ll say “that’s not what you said this morning when you were using it as a harmonica.” You’ll get upset, a chair might be thrown, and then a Rugby match breaks out where Lil’ John jumps out of nowhere shouting repeatedly four times, “hit that hoe, hit that n*gga.” This could be problematic. I mean, who wants Lil’ John in their house? Can you imagine telling this loud ass n*gga to use his indoor voice?

5. He’s Not a Real Man.

Last but not least, emasculating a dude is a slippery slope that can cause problems for the both of you. Now, if he’s wearing skinny jeans and baking Rice Krispy treats, then his punk ass is fair game. Or, imagine getting into a fight with him over who used the last bit of your Hawaiian Silky hair moisturizer, and then you get over it and have make up sex. Three years later, you get into another argument where you say, “that’s why your prissy ass can’t afford to buy your own hair moisturizer.” Then, don’t be surprised if he flies to Atlanta and kills one of the Bronner Brothers.

So that’s my list of things you shouldn’t joke about with a man. What do you think? Can you think of any other things you shouldn’t joke about with a man?