Tuesday, September 21, 2010

SEX and RELIGION and how they can both be improved (14+)

Adam and Eve were the first people on earth and thus the first biblical characters after god. This also means they were the first people to have sex. Now the bible doesn't tell us what kind of sex they had, whether it was missionary with Adam on top of Eve or if he plowed Eve doggy style while pulling her hair or whether they did it in the ass. Of all the boring bible stories, this was potentially the most interesting. They were two of the most perfect looking couples in history, they were created in god's image; Adam looked like a god and I'm pretty sure we can assume Eve was pretty hot too. If only we had some pictures. These perfect looking people having sex would be THE most popular porns of all time, no question. However, with the invention of the webcam thousands of years away, god gives us nothing to work with. So we can only imagine what kind of feistyness they got up to.

Now we all know Adam lived for over 900 years ( I actually did my research on this fact). FACT: When Eve lost her sex drive at age 52, Adam invented masturbation, with a strong hand and an outstretched penis; as it is written. Then years after , when he tired of that, he invented rape. When god came back and demanded to know who raped Eve, Adam blamed that asshole snake who screwed him with the apples thing and then god invented snakes and ladders to remind us all to hate snakes at an early age, and that ladders, properly used, can bring us to new heights we had never imagined. The reason these stories aren't in the bible is because the bible is censored by old people who don't like anything that can stimulate you in any way; like prizeless Bingo.

The point is that god created us imperfectly and that's why there is rape, perversion and pedophilia. Like if you didn't want kids to get raped, why did you make it a thing for scrappy old mustached men and catholic priests to be attracted to little boys. That's like if I'm a robot maker (which lets face it, I will be) and I'm working on my robot, I decide to design it to go around shooting people in the balls with nerf footballs and punting small dogs in the park. Should we punish the robot? Its not the robot who decided what it's programmed to want to do. Its hard wired to do what it wants to do, just like pedophiles. God is an asshole for creating pedophiles. He knew what he was doing.

In summation I propose we all decide a new god who doesn't let bad things happen to us, 9/11, Katrina, war... are you kidding me, if we elected this god, he'd be impeached after he released AIDS. Talk about mad with power, he's messing all sorts of stuff up. I think what we really want from our god is more sexual positions(for both gay and straight), no more baby raping pedophiles, less "natural" disasters, eternal happiness and to bring back Pepsi blue. We can expect A LOT more from someone who has infinite power, think about it and vote to impeach in 2010.