I told him how I feel...

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I came to this website back in 2012 and after reading everyone's stories I decided to tell my cousin how I felt, lets just say it didn't turn out the way I had hoped. I took a long break and have tried dating again, but I feel like I compare everyone to him.

A little on my background....

My crush on my cousin started 30 yrs ago. He is my mothers cousin but close to my age. It started with peck kisses as small children that everyone thought was cute. When I was 11 and he was 13 he gave me my first French kiss. First time we had sex was at 15 and then again in college. He got married a year after our last encounter, I didn't not go to the wedding because I was heartbroken.

We would see each other at family functions but it was always weird unless we were alone talking. Now we are in our 30's I went to see him and we ended up going to the bars after dinner. A couple of guys at the bar apologized for ******* my boyfriend off. He was acting jealous and overbearing. We ended up getting into a fight at the bar and leaving. He kept telling me how watching those guys flirt with me and dance with me was driving him crazy and he didn't want any of them touching me. We ended up sleeping together that night and again the next morning. It felt like home and everything came rushing back, the feelings of total love and being whole. (I never felt like this with my ex-husband or any man I have ever tried to date.)

A year after our last encounter he got engaged, we never talked about our feelings before so I decided to tell him how I felt. I told him I loved him and could not go to his wedding. I wanted him to try to understand why I could not go to his wedding. (unknow to me at the time he had just gotten into a fight with his fiancé because she didn't want me to come to the wedding) He asked if something happened in my life to make me feel this way. He said he loved me like a cousin but was not in love with me. He told me that it was a sexual attraction and nothing more. He said if his mother ever found out it would kill her. I was devastated am still devastated even 4 years later. We can now talk without me wanting to burst into tears. But he does not want to be anywhere near me if we are alone. He says he is too attracted to me and can't control himself.

He ended up not getting married, I don't know why it is not something we have talked about. But he keeps wanting to talk about us together physically and how perfect we are in that area. But he never wants to talk about emotions. To this day I am so confused. Did he ever love me or did he use me? Why does he get so jealous that others in public think they are ******* off my boyfriend if he doesn't care? Will I ever get over him when I have spent the last 30 yrs loving him?