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March 02, 2015

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Of course not. Why would anyone think that you had a Tinder profile because you wanted to hookup? Obviously,you chose the app that literally has no criteria for interaction besides physical attraction because you wanted to find a platonic soul-mate. Listen,I’m not trying to say that girls should be pressured to hook up with guys but c’mon if you are using Tinder you have at least contemplated it.

2. “I’m a foodie.”

I’ll be honest, this entry may just be an excuse for me to vent about this word. But honestly what the hell does this even mean? You like food? Seriously? No way, that is amazing! I would have never guessed that about you. I think this was just the bit of enlightening information that I needed in order to feel comfortable swiping right.

3. “I’m just looking for intelligent conversation.”

Ah. So I believe that I would be safe in assuming that you also go to Jaden Smith’s Twitter looking for comprehensible thoughts.

4. “Let’s lie about how we met.”

Oh great, no better way to start our relationship than by immediately lying. C’mon, have some pride in yourself and own this Tinder shit.

So, I haven’t even known of your existence for 30 seconds and you are already telling me about how I’m going to have to “handle” dealing with craziness? Great job of advertising for yourself…just like when that car salesman told me that if I couldn’t handle his car’s 250,000 miles,broken heater, and leaky transmission then I didn’t deserve to drive it anyway. Jesus, and for all I know your “best” isn’t even that great. I think I’m gonna go ahead and pass on you and your “worst” and just settle for someone else’s “mediocre”…honestly it’s probably better than your “best” anyway.

6. Some Taylor Swift “Blank Space” lyric…probably either “I got a blank space baby
and I’ll write your name” or “I could make the bad guys good for a weekend” or “Darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.”

Another Taylor Swift lyric. God she’s pretty… not to mention that she has the voice of a goddamn angel. Too bad I can’t just date her. You know what? Screw Tinder.Clearly my time would be better spent stalking my girl Tay Tay on Instagram.