Saturday, March 7, 2009

Guys I am going to make the Profiles of a Cuddlefish page but this is clearly a communal thing. So, I need you to write a sarcastic and disdainful profile of the various Cuddlefish types we routinely battle, and then you can post it in the comments here or email it to me at mysterioustaffer AT gmail DOT com.

This is similar to but distinct from the Frequently Annoying Questions. okay go

The Free Time Lord: This highly busy, meticulously scheduled Cuddlefish has so much of a life, it's ridiculous. His life is so rich and vibrant that he's made it his sworn duty to bring others to the same enlightened state of Having-A-Lifedom. So he spends every millisecond of his vanishingly short free time scolding bloggers about how they must have to write such long posts.

the ones who think they are the first to say "hey here's an idea: if you don't like xkcd, just don't read it"

the ones who say "i just started reading this blog but it is dumb: you force yourself to say something bad about every comic, no matter what, you obsess about one webcomic and don't talk about any others, and you don't seem to have ever considered the idea that you may be wrong." And other similarly untrue statements, because they just got here (often from a link on the xkcd forums) and have only read the top one or two posts.

The ones that post every god-damned time Randall makes an observational joke that falls through. They like to imagine that we are idiots that don't understand Randall's genius. They often come bearing sarcasm to show their disdain for our philistine opinions. Pompous fucks.

Whether or not I agree with what your saying, up until now I've thought you blog worked as a decent criticism site (mostly). I don't see the point in this latest expansion to the site.

Is it simply that when someone challenges you you can put them in an archetype and use a simple "You're one of these people so the argument is irrelevant," which would be a shame because, Carl, when people disagree with you you are normally very good at arguing back, so I actually think this section would be a real detriment to the blog because it really would make it come accross as a lot more insular that there are so many different stereotypes you have to make sure you don't fall into before you post, lest you get ridiculed.

David:I can see what you are saying, but I suspect the hope is that, from it, there maybe be a greater ratio of blog comments from cuddlefish who have something novel or constructive to bring to the conversation.

captcha: "culpasp", a fictitious affliction to rival ryoma in all its disgusting forms.

@DavidI believe the point is that a huge amount of criticism of this blog comes from people who mesh perfectly into the above profiles, and this is a convenient way of merely pointing out that they are neither witty nor original, and their ability to be critical while anonymous isn't going to make Carl take down his site in tears.

Here's all the profiles I could think of (some were already mentioned)

Busyfish - Has never had a moment of free time in their entire life or is just a slow typist and overestimates the amount of time it takes to make a blog post.Elitefish - This cuddlefish is better than you and will not hesitate to let you know that the reason you do not appreciate this comic is because you just don't get it. The most popular webcomic on the entire internet is a niche comic, and the Elitefish is totally indie enough to get it.Grammarfish - Points out minor grammatical errors and what were obviously typos to prove that he's actually much smarter than you.Moralfish - Moralfish are appalled that you would waste time ranting about XKCD when there are so many more important things going on the the world that you can blog about. This can also be considered a subset of the BusyfishGeniusfish - This fish didn't actually read anything on this site other than the most recent blog post (which he followed from the XKCD forums, where all geniuses live), but the doesn't need to, he's a genius. He'll merely point out that if you hate XKCD so much, you should stop visiting it.Empathyfish - The Empathyfish is a kind and caring creature who realizes that Carl has made a mistake with this blog. Since the Empathyfish is such a good, caring friend... he does not hesitate to point out that xkcd sucks is really pathetic or that an xkcd sucks sucks blog should be made as a counterweight.

Expertfish: The Expertfish believes that criticism is a realm that only dare be explored by those who have had direct experience in the field they are criticizing, or what they might call "experts." Since Carl does not have a popular webcomic, he is obviously not qualified to critique xkcd, and according to Expertfish, this blog is worthless until he does.

here ya goArguefish: The Arguefish will oppose your view no matter what you say. They point out that you are clearly wrong about the topic, and will write an extremely long, "well-thought out" and "witty" rebuttal about what you screwed up, all in about two minutes and usually ending in GTFO, STFU, LOL, ect. They usually spell simple words such as "the" and "what" wrong, but this can't be taken into consideration seeing as how they're smart enough to solve your problems and you aren't. Arguefish are a subset of the Elitefish, and can be dangerous when provoked, however often times cuttlefish such as the Grammarfish and Busyfish will team up against it.Spamfish: A common yet less understood variety of cuddlefish, the Spamfish remains a scientific mystery. Some believe that the fish is actually made of real spam. Their comment will probably look something like "lol yea well ur a fag LOLOLOL u dun no wats funy ROFLCOPTER SOI SOI SOI!!!!!". All we know as a fact is that a post from one will never be on topic.EVER.Mathematifish: The Mathematifish is a rare one indeed, as most cuddlefish are not smart enough to figure out math past grade 7, and those that are usually have an attention span of around 1-5 seconds. These cuddlefish could have been of some significant use to society, had they not been forced into the internet. Usually addicts of webcomics such as XKCD, they will use their superior math logic to "prove once and for all that the comic was funny". Just because it's "more complicated than it looks" means that anyone who doesn't get it "is stupid, ignorant and dumb". Considered by many to be yet another subset of the Elitefish, but the issue is still under debate.False Cuddlefish: The person who signs their name as "Cuddlefish", but is NOT AT ALL A CUDDLEFISH. Wonder why they would want to insult themselves...?WARNING: NOT a real cuddlefish. Take a deep breath and exhale, the world isn't ending because a cuddlefish said something useful.

SPAM is a trademark of the Hormel Foods Corp and hence should always be capitalised.

...Man, I have nothing to contribute, and yet I found myself wanting to type something. So you get this. I suppose you might have meant that Spamfish are made of unsolicited electronic mail, but hey. Then I wouldn't have got to type anything.

omigod you guys I should not be reading this in class because I can't stop laughing. Good work to everyone!

Anon, since you do not wish to be called a Cuddlefish, I will just tell you that I like to call just about every Anon a Cuddlefish for the same reasons as Rob does. Also it is more fun to say Cuddlefish-related words like "tentacles" and ummm. Well I guess that is it.

Cuttlefish: Likes to eat small shrimp and fish. Likes to hang out on the ocean floor and blend in. Is SUPER pissed off that you keep misusing his name. Man, he's so pissed right now, that if I drew him he would have two VERY slanty eyebrows.

Bweeheehee. Cuddlyfish you are by far my favorite Cuddlefish I have ever met.

Kurt I think the problem with that is we have different definitions of the term... the only consistent part of the definition is that the poster is anonymous. Level of stupidity is subject to personal tastes.

Memefish: The Memefish is actually a possible subset of all other Cuddlefish, consisting of Cuddlefish who feel compelled to seed their posts with memes to seem more "Internet cool" (read: uncool) or "Internet smart" (read: not smart) than they really are.

Randallfish: I know it's you, Randall! Go away! (Based on my assumption that every anonymous poster is actually a sad, insecure Randall, who, through tear filled eyes, is reading everything we say about him and just can't believe that so many people on the internet dislike him.)

Sarcasmfish (though normally three consonants wouldn't be put together like that): A cuddlefish who will take your comment, repeat it back to you, and add some "witty" remark at the end telling you one thing, but really meaning ANOTHER thing! It's so zany, unique and creative! Just like that last sentence!! OH WHAT FUN!!!

There are plenty of candidates for irritated-philosopher-fish, but my vote would have to go for Aquinasfish.Because face it, if old Tom Aquinas was looking down 'pon the Earth, he'd be pretty pissed that no-one gives a shit about his theories anymore.

A general note: Although cuddlefish normally hunt alone, when two team up the result is devastating. Certain combinations of cuddlefish can be worse than others (such as the Elitefish and the Geniusfish). The resulting one-sided feeding frenzy between the two may never end, slowing down the site with considerable amounts of spam. However some combinations have been deemed impossible, such as the Arguefish and the Agreeablefish, which would create a space-time paradox that would indirectly lead to the end of the universe.

"Randallfish: I know it's you, Randall! Go away! (Based on my assumption that every anonymous poster is actually a sad, insecure Randall, who, through tear filled eyes, is reading everything we say about him and just can't believe that so many people on the internet dislike him.)"

Honestly I don't think he gives a shit about you guys to even bother visiting your site. Otherwise how did he do so many wikis in a row?

In any case it's a bit egotistical to think that he even visits let alone cries at opinions...

Curious Cuddlefish: Check back around Christmas time, in the comments thread around the post 'My Little Cuttle-Muffin.'

Apathetic Cuddlefish: The three wiki comics in a row was almost certainly Randall trying to fuck with us; we have very credible reason (email from Randall, apparently) to believe he is aware of and disapproves of the blog, and if Randall is anything like me (hint: he is like a less talented, less emotionally well-developed, more elitist, less artistic version of me) he probably wanders by occasionally just to see what we're doing and then gets all indignant that we're so dumb and mean.

No, same Kurt. I just made a profile recently.Trollfish: Go ahead. Feed it. See if you make it out of this thread alive.Overreactorfish: This cuddlefish will take anything you say, and blow it WAY out of proportion. They usually use extremely unrealistic analogy.

What the hell is this?

Welcome. This is a website called XKCD SUCKS which is about the webcomic xkcd and why we think it sucks. My name is Carl and I used to write about it all the time, then I stopped because I went insane, and now other people write about it all the time. I forget their names. The posts still seem to be coming regularly, but many of the structural elements - like all the stuff in this lefthand pane - are a bit outdated. What can I say? Insane, etc.

I started this site because it had been clear to me for a while that xkcd is no longer a great webcomic (though it once was). Alas, many of its fans are too caught up in the faux-nerd culture that xkcd is a part of, and can't bring themselves to admit that the comic, at this point, is terrible. While I still like a new comic on occasion, I feel that more and more of them need the Iron Finger of Mockery knowingly pointed at them. This used to be called "XKCD: Overrated", but then it fell from just being overrated to being just horrible. Thus, xkcd sucks.

Here is a comic about me that Ann made. It is my favorite thing in the world.

Frequently Asked Questions

Divided into two convenient categories, based on whether you think this website

Rob's Rants

When he's not flipping a shit over prescriptivist and descriptivist uses of language, xkcdsucks' very own Rob likes writing long blocks of text about specific subjects. Here are some of his excellent refutations of common responses to this site. Think of them as a sort of in-depth FAQ, for people inclined to disagree with this site.