I lack the parodic skills required to improve the title or content of John Nolte’s latest screed. But I’ll try to shorter it anyway:

I used to laugh at loud at the term “slippery slope.”

Then I grew up.

AND WHEN I GREW UP LESBIANS WERE MAKING OUT WITH WALRUSES.

Can you tell which sentence I wrote? Me neither. Did I write this?

If you don’t think there’s an agenda behind this, you haven’t been paying attention the last 40 years. And if you don’t think that there are those who hold the levers of power in our popular culture that would like to remove the stigma from bestiality, you don’t understand the depths of sexual depravity the human animal is capable of.

Or what about this?

Again, what was the point of feminism? Here’s your real war on women. Waving enough money in front of an actress and have her do whatever depravities you can dream of. Liberated? If by that you mean women are to be accorded no respect and you can expect any female to do anything because to say no would be so uncool. Abortion liberates men because it allows them to walk away. And if they pay for the abortion then they’re the good guy, taking responsibility.

Okay, these is a discussion going on in the comments there about whether property rights give animal owners the right to engage in bestiality. Someone please tell me this whole thing is Poe’s Law gone dreadfully wrong?

Who is the government to regulate how we use our property? It seems a kind of thing conservatives are all about. I’m just surprised someone who is anti-government regulation is able to stick up about that, haha.

And who would “those who hold the levers of power in our popular culture” be? And why would they oppose, er, Christian values? I’m bettin’ that Nolte imagines them with longish noses, darkish hair, and vaguely Eastern European accents. Those people have all the gonnegtions!

Everyone knows they split every bag equally between them. If there are an odd number of Skittles, they either cut the last one in half or give it to a passing stranger. That’s just the way lesbians and walruses are, and we could all learn from their example.

If you don’t think that there are those who hold the levers of power in our popular culture that would like to remove the stigma from oyster-eating, you don’t understand the depths of dietary depravity the human animal is capable of.

I love the fact that they allow the lunatics to run the asylum with abandon:

Sadly, your prediction is already reality. NAMBLA comes to mind—as does the well-documented network of ritual sexual abuse against children perpetrated by and protected by—in large measure—agencies within our own government, as well as other governments around the world. Hard to believe? Certainly. Nonetheless true? Sadly, horrifically and tragically—yes.

Is there some kind of mail correspondence course in conservative rhetoric someone’s running as a scam? That comment is nothing but a collection of conservative writing tics.

The overuse of adverbs that don’t modify anything (sadly, certainly, tragically etc). Meaningless hedging (in large measure). The cloying tropes used to sound conversational (“comes to mind”; over- and misuse of m-dashes). Rhetorical questions? Certainly. You could make a drinking game looking for these in a random NR piece or Corner post and have to be rolled out of the gutter in the morning.

It’s kind of neat to see them all in such a small space. Cross all that stuff out and all that’s left is prepositions and NAMBLA.

I have to ask: NAMBLA seems to play a prominent role in right-wing fantasies of sexual decadence. But does it even exist? I’d Google it, but if I do, I’m afraid I’ll receive a visit from the FBI (on account on my not being covered under the Penn State/Catholic Church pedophilia waiver)

I’ve heard a number of different stories on whether it ever really existed, and if so, what it meant at first.* In several instances, I backtracked on “evidence” of NAMBLA’s existence, and I couldn’t find any actual support. It may well have existed, but it would take a lot of time and energy to actually be sure.

More importantly, as a gay man, I’ve been to a lot of gay pride events and to lots of gay political events, and I’ve never met anyone who knows anyone in “NAMBLA,” much less who supports it. Invoking it in discussions of gay rights is similar to arguing that Romney supports the KKK, except you probably have stronger arguments for the latter, and we know that the KKK actually exists and commits crimes. I honestly can’t think of a good analogy because I’m unaware of any other issue when an entirely inactive, uninfluential, potentially nonexistent organization gets ranted about so much.

I’ve also been to a fair number of leather/seamy gay establishments over the years, and I’ve still never heard anyone express any tolerance for pedophilia. And that includes in places like the Cockring in Amsterdam, where people will admit to kinks that are hard to describe or even comprehend. As far as I can tell, the gay community has significantly less tolerance for pedophilia than the straight community.

*For example, sometimes a guy will refer to his lover as his “boy” even if they are the same age and they’re both over 40.

I knew a dude who was in NAMBLA. They had sponsored trips to 3rd-world countries such as Guatemala to consummate the love alluded to in the acronym. This was back in the eeeevvvil 90s but I doubt they all just evaporated.

Well, it’s been documented that Harry Hay did support NAMBLA’s inclusion in Pride marches and other events. His remarks, though (and specifically in this section) tend to support the idea that he interpreted “boy” as “teenager”, and if you’re someone whose first sexual encounter was with someone even a few years older, and was positive, and you think that it’s bogus that your first lover should be considered a “predator” for that (especially if it wouldn’t be considered a crime in the next state over where the age of consent is lower), you might think so as well, if you missed the bit where NAMBLA was supposedly for removing age of consent laws altogether.

At the MIT Museum in Cambridge, there is a small exhibit of “hacks”. Stuff like, stealing the plastic cows from an iconic steak restaurant in the ‘burbs, and putting them on top of the dome.
In that exhibit, there is a smaller setup which claims NAMBLA was another MIT hack, which got into the media (way before the intartoobz) and couldn’t be got out.
I make no claims as to the historical authenticity of the claim.

This isn’t true. NAMBLA has an actual history with the gay rights movement. (I don’t mean this as a defense; my understanding is that history is some combination of a sort of movement version of a youthful excess, “liberate everything”, and the fact that there are non-abhorrent arguments for an age of consent somewhere below 18, which in a different political/cultural context led non-pedophiles to make common cause with them.)

First the Kurtz column about how Obama’s plan to provide a pittance of aid to urban areas means emptying the suburbs with forced relocation to grimy urban hellholes followed by burning down the suburbs, then this column about how providing opportunities for women leads to bestiality?

“Bart: So finally, we’re all in agreement about what’s going on with
the adults. Milhouse?
Milhouse: [steps up to blackboard] Ahem. OK, here’s what we’ve got: the
Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people —
Bart: Thank you.
Milhouse: — under the supervision of the reverse vampires —
Lisa: [sighs]
Milhouse: — are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish
plot to eliminate the meal of dinner. [sotto voce] We’re
through the looking glass, here, people…”

“House Republicans called the Obama administration’s birth-control mandate “religious bigotry” and compared it to the events of Pearl Harbor and Sept. 11, 2001.
The heated remarks came at a press conference marking the mandate’s first day.
“I know in your mind you can think of the times America was attacked,” said Rep. Mike Kelly (R-Pa.), a freshman.
“One is December 7 — that is Pearl Harbor Day. Another was September 11 — that was the day of the terrorist attack.
“I want you to remember August 1, 2012 — the attack on our religious freedom. That is a date that will live in infamy, along with those other dates.”
Starting Wednesday, most employers will have to cover contraception in their health plans without a co-pay.”

a) don’t watch the commercial, just listen to the words to see if you can pick up the innuendos — overt and subtle.

b) watch the commercial without sound so to analyze what the message is visually giving — the visual can be totally different from the verbal.

The same can be applied to children’s movies and cartoons. As a parent, I’ve let my kids watch a Disney “classic” (that I considered tame and uneventful) while I work around the house. I could still hear the dialogue. I have been shocked at what I have HEARD — absolutlely perverse, socially PC, indoctrination. I didn’t notice it when I sat and watched the movie myself — got caught up in all the visual effects and laughter. My kids would later act strange and spout weird ideas and phrases, and I wondered where they were getting them. The indoctrinization is done stealthily and intentionally. Mind control.

It’s a well known fact that Walt Disney included subliminal messages in his films in order to advance bestiality, promote labor rights, abolish copyrights and to advance the International Jewish Conspiracy.

Dear Abbey: My neighbors Great Dane has been begging for it. If I choose to satisfy the bitches lust, should I re-register as a democrat? I would, of course, remain a rock-ribbed republican, and continue to vote accordingly.

Here, go watch this. It’s a Skittles ad, so it’s safe for work if a bit dumb, and that’s a YouTube link so as long as you avoid the comments you’re not leaving any boats.

Nolte thinks that stupid ads like this are a secret plot by LIEBERALS in HOLLYWOOD to destroy humanity’s decency. Apparently ads like this have a secret agenda to push boundaries and aren’t just stupid jokes designed to sell Skittles.

And yeah, I got out of the boat. I think I lost a few hundred good and noble brain cells by reading that Nolte piece. YOU’RE WELCOME! WAKE UP SHEEPLE! THE LESBIAN-WALRUS COLLECTIVISTS ARE COMING TO TAKE YOUR SHEEPLE CHILDREN TO THEIR SOCIALIST BEASTIALITY RE-EDUCATION CAMPS!!! You won’t be laughing so hard when it’s your daughter whose showing up making out with her lesbian-walrus girlfriend on the couch, MY FRIEND!!!

explanatory note: for those of you who don’t share my rather perverse interest in the more outre versions of the German right wing in the early twentieth century, Lanz von Liebenfels was a bizarre defrocked Cistercian monk who ran around Austria and Germany with a theory of “racial sex science” which was also somehow wrapped up in a claimed decline of paranormal powers amongst the Aryan volk. (To put it more crudely: Liebenfels thought the ancient German people had extensive paranormal powers which had been suppressed by too many Germans having sex with Jews. If Germans stopped having sex with Jews, they would be able to reclaim their lost superhero abilities).

More people than you might think ate this stuff up, just as more people than is comfortable are loving John Nolte a hundred years later.

Nolte’s comment thread wins the netz, and I’ve just gotten to the second one: “Do an internet search with safe search off and look up women and men having sex with animals. It’s all over the web and it is not just weird. It’s a real threat to the stability and dignity of our culture.”

Forget Nolte. Look for yourself. I have seen this stuff i speak of in the course of doing a research paper. If you won’t see it for yourself then you cannot know if it poses a threat or not.

Yep, “research.”

But the winner, IMHO:

How about this: If people start having sex with animals then fewer babies will be born. If fewer babies are born, human population decreases. Over several generations this becomes a problem. Especially if one of the ‘unborn’ babies is the next Einstein. Unless, of course, a person has no problem with humans engaging in sex with animals. In that case no amount of ‘information’ will matter at all.

They seem to be overlooking the possibility that the real threat is clearly that a lesbian-walrus hybrid will be a supergenius and will naturally rise to the top of the social hierarchy, take over the world economy, and change world economic production from its natural focus on the trading of Collateralized Debt Swaps to tasty, tasty oysters. Plus, why does nobody think of the penguins?

Part of Teh Funny with the chemistry paper whereof Geoffrey Pullum writes in Language Log, is that the author (Breslow) had finished several other papers with the same “Bias towards Chirality –> Intelligent Dinosaurs!” joke.

Except if the beastialist (beastialeter?) in question also happens to be a racist who believes basic American values like freedom and equality before the law are evil, conservatives will support him to the bitter end. See NY’s last race for governor and where Carl Paladino’s support came from.

And if you don’t think that there are those who hold the levers of power in our popular culture that would like to remove the stigma from bestiality, you don’t understand the depths of sexual depravity the human animal is capable of.

[…] I let them skip the Daenerys chapters (3, 11, 23, 36, 46, 54, 61, 64, 68, and 72). Because I read the novel on a Kindle, I’m not exactly sure how many pages that will save them. But it makes narrative sense: they’ll spend all their time on the island of Westeros and we’ll spend all our classtime discussing its affairs in Weeks 2-5. When we shift to the series in Week 6, we’ll focus our attention on Daenerys and the events happening on Essos. That means the majority of the visual rhetorical analysis will involve horses, but it could be worse. […]

Daenerys is so not into walruses. Although if she were into bestiality, she would have to choose an animal safe from jealous dragons, and something that spent most of its time underwater would be a good choice.

[…] I let them skip the Daenerys chapters (3, 11, 23, 36, 46, 54, 61, 64, 68, and 72). Because I read the novel on a Kindle, I’m not exactly sure how many pages that will save them. But it makes narrative sense: they’ll spend all their time on the island of Westeros and we’ll spend all our classtime discussing its affairs in Weeks 2-5. When we shift to the series in Week 6, we’ll focus our attention on Daenerys and the events happening on Essos. That means the majority of the visual rhetorical analysis will involve horses, but it could be worse. […]