Okay, so Osama Bin Laden is dead I hear. Great. “Burn in Hell,” it said beside his picture on the cover of The New York Daily News. We’re all spewing hatred for him, but it’s not reviving any lost loved ones. And he can’t hear us. But what I really want to know is – Why the heck did they dump him in the ocean? What we should be doing right now is putting Bin Laden’s corpse to work for us. By my estimation he could get the United States on the road to effective resolution of our economic woes.

If there’s one faction in our country and the world that stands to encompass the better part of the population it would probably be the group – People who hate terrorists. Now we’ve got our mitts on the most storied terrorist in history. Let’s earn some revenue off of it and get our economy back on track.

A buck apiece to pee on him. 50 cents to spit. Or for 100 dollars you can jab at him once with an ice pic. And then let’s repurpose him into carnival amusement games and open it up to the public. Tater him with darts. Windup and peg him in the face with a baseball, Shoot flaming gasoline into his mouth. Swing the wooden mallet over your head and wallop him in his atrophying nuts.

Finally, we should sell tickets to fill the largest outdoor sports venue in the world where everyone can watch as we toss his lifeless body into a cage with the world’s biggest, loneliest, horniest, well-hung gorilla who just watched 20 hours of porn online, and let him have at it until there’s nothing left of him to hate.

I bet most everyone would participate and Osama Bin Laden will have helped solve the fiscal problems of the pig dog Americans and single-handedly make the US great again. You can bet that that would really burn his ass. So, Hey! US Special Forces Guys, on your way home fish the scumbag out of the Arabian Sea. We’re not finished with him yet.