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And so proves my excellent ability to be able to commit to anything in my life. Not even things I am really passionate about are enough to get me to actually commit the time to work on or develop them at all. So it is no surprise that a blog I had been meaning to enrich with some sort of substantial word jargon since last October has again gotten buried under the deep folds and chaos of my mind. Just like how any object left in my messy room would become instantly lost. As soon as you turn your attention away from it, it gets consumed amongst all the mess surrounding it

So what’s been happening? Nothing really that interesting or crazy but I’ll tell you anyway

I have chosen to destroy the conveniently distracting bubble of round 2 mid-twenties confest-boy-warehouse living. I haven’t talked about it much here but living there was enthralling and beautiful. The hugs, smiles, genuine heart connections, jams and just waking up to didgeridoo was epic. Plus it was a great pick up line for anyone I liked at bar Oussou- ‘You know I live in a warehouse just around the corner from here.. want to check it out?’

It was definitely the only place I could of been this winter in Melbourne without getting too depressed.

But darkness got me in the end.

Founded by that very line at Oussou in fact.

I called it round 2 because I had actually lived with 5 guys at a warehouse before, and it really felt like history was repeating itself. I saw my days were consumed by non structured flow of socialising and jamming, which was easy but like the first time around, really I was happily avoiding getting anything done. Also my voice has been really suffering from all of its use there, I have a strained voice and even though I know I shouldn’t talk too much or sing, I can’t help myself around lovely people. So I chose to cut the connection with this 5-male crew, and go.

After this came the darkest part of my year in the halfway house that is Emma’s place. I was addicted to sugar, eating all sorts of crap like dairy and meat even, watching trashy reality TV, I had insomnia for the first time in my life, and felt this deep sadness about the loss of my voice, my main channel of expression and emotion. How it is bruised and worn, and can’t even sing for one minute without it hurting. But don’t want to rant about that here though. No one seems to think its any different or bad. I know for a fact the effect my voice used to have on people is no longer there, and physically there is an issue.

Anyway. As displaced and disheartened as I felt at my friends house, it did actually provide me the transition into where I am now. On Father’s day last month, while having dinner with my dad and sister, my dad was annoyed about me paying rent and said why don’t I live with my mum or sister, and my sister finally agreed to have me stay in one of our dad’s flats he owns. She was meant to move in there over a year ago, but has not left my dads house, so this 2-bedroom flat has remained empty and waiting, with all of my old things I had left in there before embarking on my confusing adventure last year starting with Dragon Dreaming.

So I finally live alone now. This was what I have been wanting to do for ages, solitude. Except I want this on the road in a van.

My daily activities are stripped now down to the bare necessities- Cooking, busking for food, sleep, and maintaining that minimal amount of cleanliness required to not be sucked into another vortex of chaos around me. Just this bare requirement for living takes up most of my time to uphold.

I don’t eat anything I don’t cook now. I just can’t, most of it gives me a sore stomach and I can’t afford to eat out. I can spend hours making meals. My most recent ones were lentil, mushroom and walnut burgers, curry pie, and I always make sushi and smoothies for a quick snack.

Cleaning consumes a HUGE amount of time, and I am still not satisfied with the state of my apartment yet. Most of the floor is still visible, and I do have a lot more space to work with here. but I still need to take a day to sort out all my things and downsize.

The main creative outlet I have is playing the harp on the streets. I always run out of money, and centrelink I think has cut my payments, so I now busk for anything I want to buy so I feel like I’ve actually earnt money to spend, not just carelessly disposing of government handouts.

So I improvise with my harp on the streets. If I do it too many days in a row my fingers start to hurt, I never learnt or practise technique. One thing I don’t fit into schedule is practise, so although I’m playing a lot of harp, I’m not improving or doing anything new. It does get me money for groceries though.

I don’t have internet at my place or even on my phone at the moment, and thanks again to Harry Potter I’ve recently re discovered the magic of reading a good novel. I’ve only tried reading non fiction books for the past 2 years but haven’t finished a single one. The new HP play was a joy to read and now I’m hooked on another book these people that were moving out of their house down the road from the warehouse gave me. Colourless Tzukuru Tazaki, by Murakami, Japanese author.

It is interesting reading a novel knowing that it has been translated into English, I was constantly analyzing the language use in the beginning and wondering how it actually was meant to be expressed in Japanese. But now I’m just reading to eagerly find out what happens next!

Oh and lastly what I’ve been doing with my time is going to the gym. They have dance aerobic classes, and yoga and pilates classes there. These two are my favourites.

I don’t have Facebook and don’t like going out to parties or social events cos my voice can’t handle it. I only have a few people who want to catch up with me in Melbourne, most are in their own busy schedule. I do like going out to dance though. And I visit some people some times.

This is became a boring entry but I just wanted to share what is happening with my life at the moment. What I am doing with my time. I’m trying to focus on health and get slowly organised.

Staying put doesn’t work for me. I have done this for most of my life though, in the city which is also where I don’t want to be. I would be okay with my life if this was where I wanted to live, but really it is not. Not ultimately and not for long term. Staying put makes me stagnant and collect clutter, which then takes time out of my life to deal with it like right now.

But oh well. You create your own reality, and I created this.

And I refused to leave Melbourne again without a license and a van, because I don’t want to have to rely on anyone to get me anywhere and have too much I want to bring (like a harp) for hitching now.

And I can’t complain about having a free two bedroom flat to reside in as I figure my life out again. And work on my voice and towards the goal of being with the trees.

I think I remember why I haven’t written in here in so long- because I stay up all night writing and need sleep!

Next entry I will try and rack up all of my dreams and explain their meanings and significance, which will be a WAY more interesting entry. Because oh my god my dreams have been so random, wild and crazy. Every morning now too, usually.
I just hardly ever write them all down! but I will dig deep and check all my notes.

An incident occurred to me today that has reminded me of my past history of date offering, (and receiving). Literally though, I mean offering a piece of dried fruit to someone. That being said it is usually with the cute connotation of the alternative meaning of the word which is to go out on some sort of romantic expedition but sometimes I just PUNch it out as a joke because I love puns and puns are the best way to slyly put that idea out there so why not???????????//???/ .lol.

As for being asked for a date (the verb) I think I have been blatantly ‘asked out’ only twice in my life that I can remember. My first date was pretty cute actually. I was 15 and got this text asking if I would like to come to Scienceworks. It was perfect actually, there was an amazing special Music exhibition with one of those giant keyboards you play with your feet you see in cartoons, and remote controlled flying whales! We didn’t see the fake stars cos it was too expensive but he bought me an orange juice and a sausage roll (man my diet has thankfully changed since then!)
As for the other time I was asked out, I was 16 and it was 10 at night, under the orange lit flinders street steps where all the emos hanged out. And this gross guy who was going out with a friend I met at a gay youth group who thought she was a warewolf asked me to go out with him and yeah it was actually in shock, I didnt know what to say so I said yes. But don’t worry, I didn’t mean it, and I never saw him again.

So I have asked ‘wanna date?’, dried fruit in hand, on three different occasions now. (I would never ask ‘wanna date’ without the fruit by the way haha I don’t think it works that way it should just happen) For my own amusement I have awarded each action accordingly;

Number 1: Best dialogue
Something I learnt from my dad, I do steal dates whenever I go to the supermarket. They’re so overpriced and I always go straight for them and eat a few while I’m shopping, sometimes I save some for later. This is how the pun first began. After shopping for supplies, I thought to make this offer. This is how the conversation went:

‘wanna date?’
‘sure, could be regular’
‘nice and sweet’
‘I bit my lip”
‘what?’
‘I bit my lip’
‘oohhh’.
Hahahahahaa the last comment was so off guard I did not register it and had to hear it again. What an interaction lol.

Number 2: Most awkward reaction
This instance we were in the supermarket and I thought it would be funny to offer a date to my friend since we had sex that morning. Doing my thing, I took a few dates and asked him ‘wanna date?’ he just took it literally and just rambled on saying something like ‘oh yeah people actually go on dates yeah I do date actually yeah okay’ haha he may have missed the pun, I think I did ask him without him seeing the physical play on words I was offering but I thought it would be funny and it was!

Number 3: Best reaction
This time I actually bought a bag of dates and offered one to my friend.
‘wanna date?’
-No verbal response, he just opens his mouth and waits. hahahaha! Number 3 knows the history of my date offerings, and man he is hilarious. Best response out there. Wanna date? mouth open and ready! lol

Anyway the incident that happened tonight was something different.
I was cooking chai downstairs for my band, and I love putting unconventional ingredients in chais. So I was just going to put some dates in my chai and then lovely hug guy says ‘can I have a date?’
I know that’s normal, you see someone with a bag of dates, dates are yum, ya ask for one. But I like him and we have lovely vertical cuddles (hugs) and that pun is dear to me and I was really caught off guard because I was just passing by and the date request was unexpected. So I responded sureee, with a meaningful pun look on my face, and he put his hand in my date bag and gave me a wink as he ate it. Hahaha! It definitely counts as one of the date moments. This time somebody asked me for the date! That’s one for the blog!

We’ll see if I can get some horizontal cuddles with this one, I like him but I also like heaps of other guys that give good cuddles. He’s not a housemate but a housemate’s friend. So not as bad as it could be, though I do like half the housemates here haha (not too intensely)
Man its nice living with 5 guys again. Distracting, though!

Thanks for reading, would be funny if you were one of the date recipients reading this. haha who knows, again anyone let me know if this content is entertaining or just for my own amusement.
It is officially 4:20am, goodnight!

So this is my first blog post, and this is me sifting through what ever tree of thought pops up first in the vast forest that is my mind, trying to verbalise solid paragraphs and stick to the trunk when there are so many branches and twigs of tangents that divert from the centre in all directions. Plus all the thought trees are connected by an underground network of mushrooms that is my subconsious. I think I also just described how neurons fire in the brain… thoughts and neuron action all in the same.

So I have had a lot of mushrooms recently, which has smashed my reality back into Inception again. I have really have come down to believing that nothing in physical reality is really real. That I don’t exist. As in the concept of ‘I’ as a separate entity to ‘you’ or ‘that’ or anything else is a false assumption made for the survival of this avatar body. To me life right now is but a clever illusion, and I like this little dream I’m in. And if it’s all just an inflection of my mind then why would I choose to ever hold on to negative emotions like embarrassment or shame? Why would I care what other people think of me if they’re just a part of me? Just sections of my subconscious to reflect upon and interact with in this realm. So yeah I’m letting go of that assumption that I will be vulnerable if other people know my deepest personal feelings because I love to express myself and don’t want any reason invented by myself to block me from doing that!
so BAM I’m starting this blog!

I really just want to get the ball rolling with this and actually have some content on here. Not just have this empty link that I created 7 months ago, high on coffee and the adrenaline of the full moon and PMS at the McDonalds in St. Peter’s. I had this niggly feeling to babble on about my life because I was so uncomfortable with it at that point in time. When I feel like I have wronged myself I like to write about it, admit it to me and it somewhat makes me feel better. I had missed the full moon ritual I was invited to that evening and table dived pizza before having a muffin and coffee and staying out from the dodgy squat I was crashing in where I was in Sydney. And in my life, food is the epitomy decider for my mood. I ended up a bit lost there 10 days after leaving Vipassana in the Blue Mountians after the second day.

Gotta say I’m in a MUCH better position in life now after slowly unaddicting myself to sugar, and getting back into creating and loving myself again.
The story of that journey is long and I may word it out in another post.

Something that did come to mind recently is what I did after failing vipassana, I was internally laughing about the other day at a Drum and Bass party.

So this is me:
Goes to vipassana, leaves after two days and dances so hard at Drum n Bass party people ask if I sell MDMA and then I have sex with this random 20 year old.

So yeah, the first thing I decided to do after sitting around, struggling to meditate in the mountains for two days is to dance crazily for 5 hours to some really loud intense high energy music in the city. So crazy, I try to be still and focus in and then I leave and do the exact opposite. And there I randomly picked up a 20 year old and took him back to the squat for birthday sex! But because there were people writing hi-tech and smoking bongs in the living room, I made him stay out with me in the dusty shed! haha he was so like wtf about going in a dusty shed, I have no idea how I got him to not care about it, because he was weirded out. I set out my tent flat as a tarpy thing and had a sleeping bag for warmth.
His name was Chandra, Nepalese. And he makes and sells souerkrout at some local markets near the city in Sydney. Yum souerkrout! part o my Czech heritage. He was a lovely person actually, we talked really easily to each other and spent a long time doing that because he couldn’t actually keep it up. He only ended up at my place because we were both by far the most high energy dancers at the club, and we just had to feed off each other with our dancing and then we made out exactly when the vocals in the music was singing ‘you’re beautifulllll’ hahaha! And then I started talking to him and I found out it was his birthday and I was like you have to come back for some birthday sex haha thought too ridiculous not to do. He was out with friends had to call them to say bye and he had work selling sauerkraut the next day haha.

Still don’t get how I was so charged and dancing that night, two people asked me if I sold MDMA. I thought I would of been really unfit after not really exercising for a while, directly after two days of eating lots and sitting and doing nothing. Must have been the music in contrast to the silence of the days before. Music has soo much influence over my mood, just like food.

Anyway it’s so late now, I hope to have entertained you! I plan on sharing a lot more crazy stories as well as philosophy / personal life views / food blogs / art and music stuff too! If you have any reactions to what you just read please comment them out to me. Let me know what you think!