Just found out through Facebook this evening that a science teacher at school has died from a bike indecent. I only had him when i was 12 so i was not with him a lot but i always saw him around and he was very friendly. I obviously feel sad but there is a bit of me that is questioning if it actually is true. It's likely that he will have passed away as of the volume of people paying their respects on Facebook, but i do hope that he is just injured.

Been Listening to a lot of Kings of Convince recently. They seem to be along with Yelle, Feist, Florence and The xx, musicians that i can listen over and over again without much boredom. I love it when you find artists like that.

I can still never master the art of reading in the bath. I always see it in films and i was thinking the other day ooo i will read my new vogue in their but i could not change the page and found it difficult to keep my hands out of the water to. I also had this fear that i would just drop it in the water and well i would scream.

I feel like i lead my life through movies/books/music/magazines because my own is not worth mentioning. I seem to just look at other peoples life like a big window. I so don't want to miss my youth but i am detached at my own choice. I have great friends but they just seem to fall behind, in what i want sometimes in life. Like with a couple of my friends we just seem to complain and observe other peoples life and how its better. it sounds miserable now but its like the usual.

I watched Melancholia on saturday. By myself as nobody really seemed to want to go, but i really wanted to see it. It was good but it did have it's slow moments that were just a bit dull. Also it got to a point when Kristen Dunst just felt like Dopey and annoyed me on how she acted towards to her sister - I don't know if this is intentional to the story or not. Charlotte Gainsbourg better then expected at first and the ending was loud.

I have just spent 1 and a half hours rather unsuccessfully trying to copy a photograph of a fork with shadows for photography homework. My teacher does not like me for some reason, so i am trying to impress her as i really like dong photography. But now i know tomorrow she is going to have a big rant over me and i am going to feel 1)embarrassed as we have to discuss our photos in our 10 people group and other people probably have perfect photos 2) shity and wanting to cry as i am a normal, obedient student who may not be perfect but tries and miss will clearly take that into no context.

why do i have to be so envious of other people. Or look into so much somebody else's life. I keep feeling like a stranger in my group. I am embarrassed that i am the only male and the females just keep coming in. I feel jealous of other groups but then feel bad and vain as i just dismiss my friends. I don't fancy anybody who actually looks gay and so everybody i do see is complicated, unavailable and i will give them a glance and thats it. Nothing more or less. I may be young but my impatience is killing me. All i want is to feel. Thats all just to embrace for once.

A couple of days ago me and my friends were having lunch on the green and we were talking about "if you were a stranger what would you think of me" to one another. I was not in much of the discussion as of one thing bugged my mind. So i waited a bit and i said 'so what about me". My two friends sort of gave a glance at each other and had a funny expression and what i had been thinking before had come to true. That my one was that me being gay. I have to admit that i am quite angry and sad at the judgement of this.

Tomorrow. What will it bring. Nothing. I may as well just sleep all day. Oh how i wish i could just fall into my duvet for the next so long hours and hibernate. But i cant as the sin of boredom beckons on me. So i get up, look at the sunlight and sink in my loneliness. I know it might only last a day, but i cant even be bothered to try and imagine that tomorrow may be pretty. I hope so but i doubt it.

So i have not been online for what seems like agess but i don't think i have missed to much. I have just come back from london this weekend and i finnnaly got to go to on my own travelling down but i meet my brother and we hung out all the time. I will do a big journal about it all but i have just settled back home and i am really sleepy. My family keep pestering me about everything i did and sure i did a lot but i for some reason i never really like talking about a trip when i have come back.

It can be a real pain having an obsession with fashion and thus having no money. I am a person with no job and about £5 allowance each week from my gran. This normally always is directed into buying fashion magazines. I read them as i have a deep love for visual imagination and prefer buying them in print then just seeing them online. Now the main direction these publications are trying to do is spend more and this will make you a better person. Therefore with the continuation of my boring state i have started to over think and become more attached to the internet.