A bunch of words....

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I've felt like blogging all day...but not sure why or what about.

We've gotten my mom set up with home hospice care. Post-Mortem arrangements will be made tomorrow, since the hospice nurse advised us to get this done sooner rather than later, because mom could leave us any time now. I can't fathom this.

I haven't been crying. I am a hugely emotional person, and I haven't been crying. I know this is a bad sign...but I don't know what else to do. I feel like if I start crying...I won't ever stop. I've distanced myself from the reality that my mom is going to die soon. I take care of her and see her and watch her.... it hurts so badly, but I just try not to think about it.

(Yes, I should really get back to counselnig, but.... I don't want to.... I don't want to talk about it. I don't *want* to think about it.)

I went out to lunch with my bff/spiritual mentor last week. She is the only person, aside from my husband, that knows everything (everything) I've gone through recently.

After getting the recap on my mom, she asked how things have been with Josiah (DH.) I told her we were happy as ever, with the lame smile I get whenever I think about him. (I still feel about him the same I did 5 years ago.... just happy as ever, every moment I see him! I still get those happy little butterflies.)

She asked if we were getting much time together. It was only then that I realized, apparently not! Thinking about it...as newlyweds, we should be spending a lot of time together, just the two of us. But truth-be-told, other than a quick meal, or driving some place together, we don't spend alone time together.

He is a *busy* man. He works at his "day job" at least 50 hours a week. He is in a popular local band and has practice once or twice a week in a city 45 minutes away. He has at least one (sometimes up to four) shows each weekend. The band has also been traveling out of state for bigger gigs as well.

When he isn't doing that, he is with his daughter. And don't get me wrong, I Love spending time together as a family, no doubt. But I realize that I have a deep ache...missing him. We live together, and 'see' each other most days...but usually just in passing.

This needs to be rectified...but at the moment, I don't see how it's possible.

~ He loves his band, music is super important to him, and he is amazingly talented. I wouldn't want to ask him to leave it. I love watching him perform (on the rare opportunity that they have a local show.) The band isn't the problem.

~I've been spending most of my free time at my parents' house helping my mom and dad out. Mom cant walk, eat, go to the bathroom at all on her own, so in addition to the nurses we have coming, we do it all for her.

~ We have his duaghter 3 days a week...and that won't be changing. We love her and I would NEVER sacrifice his time with her for time with me. He is a wonderful father and she adores him. Like I said, family time together is great, but it isn't the same as alone time together.

~Work is work...we need the money to pay the bills. (The ever-escalating medical bills...)

~We also have a friend we visit once a week who fractured his spine last year and is now a paraplegic. All his friends basically ditched him and we are the only ones that visit him anymore. So that will NOT be removed from our calendar!

So.... for now...we'll just have to go on "missing" each other.

So much rambling....about nothing, *sigh*. Sorry about that!

I've still been doing the yoga a few times a week. not sure if it's been helping the headaches much or not...but I have actually been enjoying it. The kiddos do it with me too when they are there. My weight has been steady...some days I hardly eat anything...too much stress and depression. Some days I eat waaaaaaaay too much...too much stress and depression,. But, that's been keeping my weight steady...so I won't complain. (Not that I care much about my weight right now anyways...)

SHMARA
I just read your blog and my heart breaks for you. I lost my dad to cancer just this past February, he was only 51. So I know how awful it is to watch a loved one slip away from you and how we cope by removing ourselves from our own feelings. I wish I had advice, but there is nothing I can tell you other than to breathe. Look at all the beautiful, amazing things in your life and try to be present. Take all that is meaningful to you and embrace it. Yoga really helped me stay grounded through my loss and it keeps me grounded still.Hugs. Stay strong.1276 days ago

NELLIEC
Wow, a bunch of stuff in your life making stress for you. I suspect that at the time your mom passes, you may want to spend some time alone with your DH if only just to talk about how much you have loved her.

When my mother passed away, I was prepared since I could tell she couldn't hang on much longer. However, my grandmother was devastated since she kept hoping her sweet daughter would recover. Just knowing that it is close is still a mercy when it does finally occur since it won't take you by surprise. I still miss my mother even though she passed away over 46 years ago. I guess I always will until I get to see her in Heaven.

SASSYSAX
I am so sorry about your Mom and all you are going through. You have a lot of stress and sadness and responsibility in your life at the moment. Please keep talking to your spiritual mentor. That is so important. I will keep you and your whole family in my prayers. I feel badly about the no alone time with your husband. I pray that there will be a way found for that important part of your marriage and relationship.