Many families across the country have children doing exams at the moment. Many children are frustrated because they’re inside revising while it’s sunny outside. Many parents are frustrated because their children aren’t inside revising… Some of you may be very glad that you’re not at that point in your children’s education yet. But you will be at some point. And you probably want them to do the best they’re capable of. You probably want them to get an education that sets up life-long learning, that teaches them to think, to solve problems and to be creative. Certainly that’s what their future employers are hoping for.

So what can parents do to help our kids get the best out of their schooling? If children are to do their best at school and in whatever path they choose thereafter, they will need:

• to be confident and self-motivated and believe they are capable • to try things and take risks• to work hard and persevere and have self-control• to have drive and the courage to follow their own dreams • to be curious and think creatively and solve problems for themselves • to think of themselves as learners and problem-solvers • to pick themselves up after failures, not be defeated by them but embrace them as opportunities for learning • to have good communication skills and emotional intelligence

Parents can help children develop these characteristics and habits essential for maximising their potential at school. We prioritise behaviours and encourage particular traits by paying attention to them and we motivate our children by how we speak to them.We can probably all list a number of actions taken by adults that don’t motivate kids ….and then find that we’re doing a few of the things on that list!

Imagine you are the child in the following scenario and see how motivated you feel:Toby…Toby….TOBY! Will you come and do your homework please. I shouldn’t have to shout Toby. That’s naughty. You know it’s homework time. ….Yes, you do have to do it lazy boy. You know that….No you can’t do it after you’ve finished on Minecraft. You never finish on Minecraft. That silly game takes over your life… Come NOW!

Have you got your worksheet? Well where is it then? You didn’t leave it at school again! Oh Toby, you’d forget your head if it weren’t attached to your shoulders. You’re so disorganised. Well start on your spellings while I get it off the school intranet. And leave those rubbers and things alone. You don’t need them to learn your spellings. How are you supposed to learn anything hanging off your chair like a monkey? Emily sits still on her chair and concentrates which is why she gets through her homework so much faster than you. It’s a nightmare every evening Toby. Do you think I like having to nag you like this? Now get on with that homework or you won’t be going on Minecraft again at all this week.

You can probably see how un-motivating it is to be criticised, nagged and labelled, compared with a sibling, threatened, put down, belittled and made to feel a nuisance. This example may be a bit extreme to make a point but in our classes and workshops many parents admit that they inadvertently drop into these kind of tactics to try to get children to do what they don’t want to do.

So what does work?

Well it will help to consider why your child is unmotivated about school work. Is it too hard for her or would she rather just be doing something else? We all have to do things we don’t particularly want to do but nobody is very motivated when we feel that success isn’t possible. I can remember my son coming home with red marks all over his Spanish homework. He believed there was nothing good about his work, that he was hopeless at Spanish. He couldn’t see any reason to keep trying.

We need to help our children experience small successes and to believe that success is possible with greater effort. We can encourage this kind of growth mindset by the way we talk to our children.

Focus on the positives. “Thanks for looking at me when I asked you to turn off the computer. I know you’d like to keep playing and you know it’s time for homework. It takes self-control to stop doing something fun and do what you have to do. You did that last night when I said it was time to pack up the Lego and go brush your teeth. You hardly moaned at all!”

When we notice small steps in the right direction, including strategies which will help our children do well, we encourage them to keep trying. “It really works for you to move around the room when you’re learning your spelling words, doesn’t it? I can see that you’re looking at the word and then shutting your eyes. Are you imagining what the word looks like in your head? Good strategy!”

Notice improvements.“Each time you practice your times tables you get better at remembering them. Now you know your 4 and 6 times tables whereas at the beginning of term you were really only sure of your 2s, 3s and 5s. That’s progress!”

Focus on effort rather than results. If they get a good test result, comment on the effort behind it. “You’ve done so well because you really worked at your fractions until the techniques were really solid in your mind. Every time you did a challenging sum your brain grew a little.” Don’t say “You’re so clever”.

Create a culture in your family where mistakes are regarded as a normal part of learning. Demonstrate this by your attitude to your own mistakes. Explain that the brain only grows by being challenged.

Our words are very powerful but so are our actions. You can also enthuse your child about learning by:

• knowing their curriculum and speaking enthusiastically about the topics they’re covering, attending parent teacher evenings and school events and speaking positively about the school• showing how different skills are relevant in everyday life, at home and in the workplace• demonstrating that you continue to learn; let them see you read, attend lectures, listen to educational podcasts or watch videos

Maximising your child's potential at school is our new 3 part series of workshops launching in the Autumn 2018