Dying Matters - survivorhttps://www.dyingmatters.org/category/blog-234
enSupporting bereaved people at Christmashttps://www.dyingmatters.org/blog/supporting-bereaved-people-christmas
<div class="field field-name-field-date field-type-date field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><span class="date-display-single">10 December 2014</span></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><p><strong><img alt="A sad woman in front of a Christmas tree" src="/sites/default/files/images/Sad_Christmas.jpg" style="width: 350px; height: 233px; margin: 5px 8px; float: right;" title="erwerwe" />Kate Ibbeson lost both her mum and dad to cancer within just ten months. Since their deaths, Kate, from Walkley, Sheffield, has set up <a href="http://www.sheffieldcancermafia.co.uk/" target="_blank">Sheffield Cancer Mafia</a>, an informal support group that aims to bring together people with cancer, cancer survivors, carers, family, friends and those who have lost a loved one. In a blog post for Dying Matters, Kate speaks about the hurt she felt when friends didn&#39;t acknowledge her loss, particularly when she faced her first Christmas without her parents.</strong></p>
<p>[picture posed by model]</p>
<p>There are many times when even the most eloquent of people are lost for words. The shock of hearing bad news, feeling embarrassed, trying to avoid upset or simply not knowing the right thing to say might reduce the most talkative of individuals to silence. For some, there is no more awkward a situation than talking to someone who has been bereaved.&nbsp;</p>
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It dawned on me that Christmas would be horrible</h3>
<p>When my Mum and Dad died, it&rsquo;s safe to say not many people knew what to say. What mattered to me was that people were there for me, whether they could find the words to comfort me or not. Being there for someone going through bereavement doesn&rsquo;t necessarily need the right words. It needs someone to give their time and their presence, something many people also struggle with when someone is experiencing the loss of a loved one. It might seem very challenging to commit to spending time with someone who is upset, might cry or is going through a whole range of negative emotions, but this can be just what people need when they are bereaved.&nbsp;</p>
<p>Shortly after my Mum died, it suddenly dawned on me that Christmas was going to be horrible. We had several difficult Christmasses when first Dad then Mum became ill, but to think of Christmas without either Mum or Dad was almost unbearable. Many people find that happy times of celebration, be it Christmas or other festival days, birthdays or anniversaries, contrast with how bereavement feels. Not only are you flooded with memories of a happier past that has now disappeared, you are faced with an empty chair in your home, a change in family traditions and a very real example of how your loss is impacting on your life. &nbsp;&nbsp;</p>
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Not many people mentioned Mum and Dad that first Christmas</h3>
<p>Being perfectly honest, not many people mentioned my Mum or Dad over that first Christmas without them both. Maybe they didn&rsquo;t know how to find what they thought were the right things to say, but I really wished they had just said something, anything to show that this was on their minds. Some didn&rsquo;t even ask how I was feeling about getting through Christmas without my parents. Perhaps they didn&rsquo;t want to risk me getting upset, but I was more upset by people maintaining a distance from me and my grief, by them not saying they were remembering the people I had lost. &nbsp;&nbsp;</p>
<p><img alt="The Being There leaflet " src="/sites/default/files/images/BeingThereCover.jpg" style="width: 94px; height: 201px; margin: 8px 12px; float: left;" />A couple friends did step forward when they found out my husband was working on Christmas Day and was going to be spending the day on my own. I accepted the invitation of a friend who said it was okay to play everything by ear, as she understood I couldn&rsquo;t predict how I&rsquo;d be feeling. She said she wouldn&rsquo;t be offended if I woke up on Christmas morning and couldn&rsquo;t face going to her house. She truly was there for me and there on my terms. It wasn&rsquo;t about her knowing what to say, it was about acknowledging my circumstances and being there when I needed a friend. &nbsp;&nbsp;</p>
<p>The Being There leaflet Dying Matters has produced gives a lot of ideas about how you can support someone who has been bereaved. Everyone&rsquo;s grief is different, but by talking to someone you can find a way to help them. It might be as simple as being available to listen, making them a meal or taking their dog for a walk. So, who are you going to be there for this Christmas?</p>
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Resources</h3>
<p style="margin: 5px 0px 15px; line-height: 18px; font-size: 12px;">Download Dying Matters&#39; &#39;Being There&#39; leaflet free:&nbsp;<a href="http://dyingmatters.org/sites/default/files/files/Leaflet%2012_WEB.pdf" style="text-decoration: none; color: rgb(46, 120, 159);" target="_blank">Download &#39;Being There&#39;</a></p>
<p style="margin: 5px 0px 15px; line-height: 18px; font-size: 12px;">Order hard copies of &#39;Being There&#39;:&nbsp;<a href="http://shop.dyingmatters.org/public/shop/default.aspx?Category=Leaflets" style="text-decoration: none; color: rgb(46, 120, 159);" target="_blank">Order &#39;Being There&#39;</a></p>
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Links</h3>
<p style="margin: 5px 0px 15px; line-height: 18px; font-size: 12px;"><strong>Dying Matters News: <a href="http://dyingmatters.org/news/uncomfortable-brits-struggle-support-bereaved" target="_blank">&#39;</a></strong><a href="http://dyingmatters.org/news/uncomfortable-brits-struggle-support-bereaved" target="_blank">Uncomfortable&#39; Brits struggle to support the bereaved</a></p>
<p style="margin: 5px 0px 15px; line-height: 18px; font-size: 12px;"><strong>ComRes:&nbsp;</strong>download the full Dying Matters report on&nbsp;<a href="http://comres.co.uk/poll/1345/dying-matters-public-attitudes-to-bereavement-survey.htm" style="text-decoration: none; color: rgb(46, 120, 159);" target="_blank">British People&#39;s Attitude to Bereavement</a></p>
<p style="margin: 5px 0px 15px; line-height: 18px; font-size: 12px;"><strong>Kate Ibbeson&#39;s</strong>&nbsp;support group for everyone affected by cancer: <a href="http://www.sheffieldcancermafia.co.uk/" target="_blank">Sheffield Cancer Mafia</a></p>
<p style="margin: 5px 0px 15px; line-height: 18px; font-size: 12px;"><strong>Jane Harris</strong>&nbsp;runs a website, Beyond Goodbye, where family and friends can remember her son Josh, who died aged 22, and which also serves as a resource for bereaved people:&nbsp;<a href="http://beyondgoodbye.co.uk/" style="text-decoration: none; color: rgb(46, 120, 159);" target="_blank">Beyond Goodbye</a></p>
<p style="margin: 5px 0px 15px; line-height: 18px; font-size: 12px;"><strong>The Compassionate Friends</strong>, the charity which supports parents following the death of a child of any age, has launched a guide to dealing with Christmas when someone so important is missing:&nbsp;<a href="http://www.tcf.org.uk/coping-with-christmas/"><font color="#2e789f">Coping with Christmas</font></a></p>
<p style="margin: 5px 0px 15px; line-height: 18px; font-size: 12px;"><strong>Annie Broadbent&nbsp;</strong>is the author of new book &#39;We Need to Talk About Grief&#39;, which gives first-hand advice on supporting someone who is grieving:&nbsp;<a href="http://anniebroadbent.com/" style="text-decoration: none; color: rgb(46, 120, 159);" target="_blank">visit Annie&#39;s website</a></p>
<p style="margin: 5px 0px 15px; line-height: 18px; font-size: 12px;"><strong>Cruse Bereavement Care</strong>&nbsp;offers a helpline for bereaved people all year round, including throughout the festive season:&nbsp;<a href="http://www.cruse.org.uk/" style="text-decoration: none; color: rgb(46, 120, 159);" target="_blank">Cruse Bereavement Care</a></p>
<p style="margin: 5px 0px 15px; line-height: 18px; font-size: 12px;"><strong>Silverline</strong>&nbsp;provides information, friendship and advice to older people who may feel alone; the free helpline is open throughout Christmas:&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thesilverline.org.uk/" target="_blank">Silverline</a></p>
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</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-taxonomy-vocabulary-3 field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Blog post tags:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/category/blog/bereavement">bereavement</a></div><div class="field-item odd"><a href="/category/blog-231">christmas</a></div><div class="field-item even"><a href="/category/blog/death">death</a></div><div class="field-item odd"><a href="/category/blog/cancer">cancer</a></div><div class="field-item even"><a href="/category/blog-232">Sheffield Cancer Mafia</a></div><div class="field-item odd"><a href="/category/blog-233">Kate Ibbeson</a></div><div class="field-item even"><a href="/category/blog-8">grief</a></div><div class="field-item odd"><a href="/category/blog-234">survivor</a></div><div class="field-item even"><a href="/category/blog-235">carers</a></div><div class="field-item odd"><a href="/category/blog-236">Beyond Goodbye</a></div><div class="field-item even"><a href="/category/blog-237">Annie Broadbent</a></div><div class="field-item odd"><a href="/category/blog-238">The Compassionate Friends</a></div></div></div>Tue, 09 Dec 2014 12:44:00 +0000Anonymous30862 at https://www.dyingmatters.orghttps://www.dyingmatters.org/blog/supporting-bereaved-people-christmas#comments