SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, November 25, 2012 Edition

President
Omits God from Thanksgiving Address for Fourth Straight Year

The fourth
year of President Obama's reign maintained his traditional omission
of God from the Thanksgiving address to the nation. This break from
his predecessors was vigorously defended by First Lady Michelle
Obama.

“Why
should God get the credit for blessings that He had no part in
creating?” Michelle asked. “It's federal farm programs that
ensure a robust harvest each year. It's the FDA that guarantees the
food we put on our tables is safe to eat. And it's the generous
expansion of eligibility for Food Stamps that has enabled even the
poorest among us the opportunity to enjoy an adequate diet.”

The First
Lady contrasted government's role with “the seeming indifference of
God. There has been drought, floods, and storms to impede the process
of feeding the hungry under God's watch. We need to move beyond a
superstitious awe for a mythical entity and show a greater
appreciation for the beneficence that Barack has bestowed upon the
common people of this nation.”

Not
wishing to appear excessively closed-minded, Michelle did allow that
“if people want to thank God for anything it should be for creating
Barack. That such a person has arrived to lead this country at a
pivotal point in our history is a miracle everyone should be grateful
for.”

UN
Official Demands Repression of State Marijuana Laws

The
legalization of marijuana by voters in the states of Colorado and
Washington has sparked consternation in other parts of the world.
Raymond Yans, head of the United Nation's International Narcotics
Control Board, says the approvals send ‘‘a wrong message to the
rest of the nation and it sends a wrong message abroad.’’

“What
the voters in these states have overlooked is that marijuana is an
important cash crop in many Third World countries,” Yans pointed
out. “Legalization, if it catches on, will depress the prices that
can be charged. This will negatively affect the farmers who grow it,
the smugglers who transport it, the dealers who market it, and the
police whose livelihoods depend upon expenditures aimed at
suppressing it.”

Yans
urged US Attorney General Eric Holder to‘‘take all the necessary
measures to ensure that marijuana possession and use remains illegal
throughout the U.S. Too much is riding on this for us to permit a
misguided attachment to democracy in a few subdivisions of America to
overrule more important concerns.”

Holder
is reported to be amenable to Yans' request. Despite recent research
indicating the heavy use of marijuana has a stupefying effect on
those who consume it, the ability of the federal government to assert
its power over the states by over ruling local decisions is held
likely to win out.

“While
in the long run a more stupefied electorate is much to be preferred,
at this time, the principle of national supremacy is probably a more
significant step in the President's promised transformation” Holder
observed.

Egyptian
President Assumes Dictatorial Powers

The
so-called “Arab Spring” took a decidedly ugly turn in Egypt this
week when President Mohammed Mursi issued a decree barring any
challenges to his decisions.

Egyptian
opposition leader Mohammed El Baradei denounced Mursi's action
calling it “a major blow to the revolution. What good does it do us
if we get rid of the dictator Mubarak only to replace him with a
dictator Mursi? Isn't sharing of power and open debate the whole
point of democracy?”

Mursi
denied he was trampling democracy. “Debate is fine, but there must
be limits,” Mursi maintained. “The laws I decree must be
enforced. There must be respect for my authority. Words or deeds that
would serve to undermine either of these critical objectives cannot
be tolerated.”

Whether
Mursi's expansion of his own authority will be tolerated is an open
question. Many of the same protesters who rallied against Mubarak are
back in the streets demonstrating against this latest development.

Clashes
are expected as Mursi described these protests as “unwarranted
interferences.” “Mubarak was a fraudulently elected tyrant,”
Mursi pointed out. “In contrast, I, like recently reelected US
President Obama, have a legitimate mandate from the voters. Mubarak
was also sick and weak. I am not.” The Egyptian President warned
opponents that “attempts to obstruct my rule will result in dire
consequences for those who go too far.”

The
US State Department said it was taking a “wait and see” attitude
toward this seemingly antidemocratic shift. “They're still working
on their constitution, so it's possible that what appears to be an
unjustified usurpation may yet be endorsed by those drafting the
document,” cautioned Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “Then,
too, Mursi was just recently elected. So we can't rule out the
argument that he, in fact, has a mandate of sorts. As we are wont to
say, elections have consequences.”

As
for Mursi's declaration that actions taken by the courts or
legislature in contravention to his wishes are void, Clinton
expressed sympathy. “Sometimes a president may have to bypass other
bodies in order to carry out his mandate,” she said. “Maybe we
shouldn't be so critical. For all we know, President Obama may find
himself in a similar bind in the not too distant future.”

In
related news, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei's order blocking the Iranian
Parliament from investigating President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's
mismanagement of the economy was called “intriguing” by the US
Secretary of State. “Khamenei's point that such an investigation
could weaken the regime seems well taken,” Clinton observed.
“Congressional investigations of Fast and Furious and Benghazi are
damaging to our country. Making them disappear might eliminate a
great deal of the negative impressions these inquiries are causing.”

Local
Governments Pilot Testing Tyranny

Local
governments on opposite sides of the nation are exploring new ground
in the never ending battle against individual freedom in this
country.

In
New York City, inspectors from the Department of Health cracked down
on unauthorized distribution of food to survivors of Hurricane Sandy.
The serving of meals to people whose homes were destroyed by the
storm was found to be “non-compliant with existing restaurant
standards” by Health Inspector Constance Medler.

“The
meals are being served outdoors,” Medler complained. “The cooking
is done by uncertified cooks on uninspected stoves. The food is
served on paper plates and eaten with plastic utensils. There has
been a complete disregard for our regulations.”

Medler
said that “the argument that this is just a temporary response to
an emergency is no excuse for flouting our standards. Just because
some people are voluntarily providing food to those willing to eat it
doesn't negate our responsibility to protect the public from
consuming substandard comestibles.”

In
San Diego, Regional Water Quality Control Board officials are working
on new regulations that would impose stiff penalties (fines up to
$100,000 per day and jail terms of up to six years) on home owners
whose lawn sprinklers dampen the sidewalks. Washing cars in driveways
and neglecting to pick up dog waste in your own backyard would also
be similarly penalized. In addition, a “hot line” will be set up
for persons to report on neighbors who violate the new regulations.

“Just
because you pay a mortgage or have a deed doesn't mean you can do
whatever you want on that property,” Board spokesperson Christine
Waters explained. “The harsh penalties are necessary to show that
we are serious about enforcing these rules. If a neighbor is forced
out of his home by crushing fines or is sent to prison others will be
much more careful about obeying these laws.”

Undelivered
D-Day Message Prolonged War, Prof Says

A
university professor says the recent discovery of a carrier pigeon's
corpse in a chimney in Normandy, France has shed new light on events
of the last year of World War II in the European theater.

Harvard
professor of European History Albee Leftkowitz believes that the
failure of the pigeon's mission may have hampered the advance of
American forces on the Western Front and forced President Roosevelt
to accede to Soviet domination of Eastern Europe at the Yalta
Conference in February 1945.

“Right-wing
critics of President Roosevelt have made much of what they call FDR's
misplaced trust in 'Uncle Joe' Stalin,” said Leftkowitz. “But
this latest development proves that he had no choice. Denied the
benefit of this carrier's message, FDR, as Commander-in-Chief of the
Western Allied Forces, had no alternative but to grant the Soviet
Union dominion over Poland, Romania, Hungary, Czechoslovakia,
Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Bulgaria, and Yugoslavia.”

Leftkowitz
discounted the possible influence of Soviet spies within the
Roosevelt Administration as a factor. “Alger Hiss, Harry Dexter
White, and the others had no direct impact on the fighting,” the
Professor contended. “They didn't command any troops and they
certainly didn't cause this pigeon to get trapped in that chimney.”

The
fact that the lost message is in code and has yet to be translated
didn't faze Leftkowitz. “Whatever the message might have said has
got to be more important than the leftist philosophies or political
connections of some of Roosevelt's advisers,” he argued. “In
fact, its very existence serves to vindicate these maligned men.”