Study Defines Major Sources Of Conflict Between Sexes

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IN the war between the sexes, virtually all combatants consider themselves experts on the causes of conflict. But now a systematic research project has defined, more precisely than ever before, the points of conflict that arise between men and women in a wide range of relationships.

The new studiesare showing that the things that anger men about women, and women about men, are just about the same whether the couple are only dating, are newlyweds or are unhappily married.

The research is the most sophisticated yet conducted, and some findings are surprising. Although a vast body of literature cites heated arguments over money, child-rearing or relatives as frequent factors in disintegrating marriages, those conflicts seldom emerged in the new studies.

Instead, the research often found more subtle differences, like women's feelings of being neglected and men's irritations over women being too self-absorbed. There were also more pointed complaints about men's condescension and women's moodiness. Upset by Unfaithfulness and Abuse

Some forms of behavior bothered both sexes about equally. Both men and women were deeply upset by unfaithfulness and physical or verbal abuse. But the most interesting findings were several marked differences between men and women in the behaviors that most disturbed them.

Sex, not surprisingly, was a major problem, but men and women had diametrically opposed views of what the problem was. Men complained strongly that women too often turned down their sexual overtures.

In contrast, the most consistent complaint among women was that men were too aggressive sexually. This conflict may be rooted deep in the impact of human evolution on reproductive strategies, according to one theory, or it may simply reflect current power struggles or psychological needs, various experts say. Help in Counseling Couples

Understanding the sources of trouble between the sexes, psychologists say, could do much to help couples soften the impact of persistent problems in their relationships, and help therapists in counseling couples having difficulties.

''Little empirical work has been done on precisely what men and women do that leads to conflict,'' said David M. Buss, a psychologist at the University of Michigan who conducted the studies. The results were published in May in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Dr. Buss conducted four different studies with nearly 600 men and women. In the first, he simply asked men and women in dating relationships about the things their partners did that made them upset, hurt or angry.

The survey yielded 147 distinct sources of conflict, ranging from being disheveled or insulting to flirting with others or forcing sex on a partner.

In the second study, Dr. Buss asked men and women who were dating or who were newlyweds how often they had been irked by their partner's doing any of those things. From these results, Dr. Buss determined that the complaints fell into 15 specific groups. He then had another group of men and women rate just how bothersome those traits were.

Men said they were most troubled by women who were unfaithful, abusive, self-centered, condescending, sexually withholding, neglectful or moody.

Many men were bothered, for example, if their partner was self-absorbed with her appearance, spending too much money on clothes, and being overly concerned with how her face and hair looked.

Women complained most about men who were sexually aggressive, unfaithful, abusive, condescending, emotionally constricted, and those who insulted the woman's appearance, neglected them, or openly admired other women.

Many women were also bothered by inconsiderate men. For instance, they complained about a man who teases his partner about how long it takes to get dressed, or who does not help clean up the home or who leaves the toilet seat up. 'Basic Differences in Outlook'

Other research has produced supporting findings. ''We've seen similar points of conflicts in maital fights,'' said John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington whose research involves observations of married couples while they fight.

''Many of these complaints seem to be due to basic differences in outlook between the sexes,'' Dr. Gottman added, citing men's complaints that women are too moody, or that women dwelled too much on the feelings.

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''That is the flip side of one of women's biggest complaints about men, that they're too emotionally constricted, too quick to offer an action solution to an emotional problem,'' he said.

''Generally for women, the natural way to deal with emotions is to explore them, to stay with them,'' he continued. ''Men, though, are stoic in discussing their emotions; they don't talk about their feelings as readily as women. So conflict over handling emotions is almost inevitable, especially in marriages that are going bad.''

For couples in the first year of marriage, Dr. Buss found the sexual issues to be far less of a problem than for most other couples. Instead, women tended to complain that their new husbands were inconsiderate and disheveled.

''You'd expect that sex would be the least troubling issue for a couple during the honeymoon year,'' Dr. Buss said. ''Even so, newlywed men were still bothered somewhat about their wives' sexual withholding, but the wives didn't complain much about their husbands being sexually aggressive.''

Nevertheless, the overall finding that men tend to see women as being sexually withholding, while women see men as too demanding, also fits with other findings. Researchers at the University of New York at Stony Brook found in a survey of close to 100 married couples that the husbands on average wanted to have sex more often than did the wives. Problems Compounded

In the last of Dr. Buss's series of tests, married men and women were asked about their main sources of marital and sexual dissatisfaction. A new set of complaints emerged, along with the previous ones cited by dating couples and newlyweds. The more dissatisfied with the relationship, the longer the list of complaints.

For example, the more troubled the couple, the more likely the husband was angered by his wife being too possessive, neglecting him and openly admiring other men.

The dissatisfied wives, by contrast, added to their list of complaints that their husbands were possessive, moody and were openly attracted to other women.

Sex was especially problematic for unhappy married men and women.

''The sexual complaints are standard in unhappy marriages,'' Dr. Gottman said. ''But it tends to crop up even in otherwise happy marriages. Generally, women have more prerequisites for sex than men do. They have more expectations about what makes love-making O.K. They want emotional closeness, warmth, conversation, a sense of empathy.''

He added: ''Sex has a different meaning for women than for men. Women see sex as following from emotional intimacy, while men see sex itself as a road to intimacy. So it follows that men should complain more that women are withholding, or women say men are too aggressive.'' Investment in Reproduction

Dr. Buss sees his results as affirming the importance of evolution in shaping human behavior. ''The evolutionary model that I use holds that conflicts occur when one sex does something that interferes with the other's strategy for reproduction,'' he said.

His view is based on the theory put forth by Robert Trivers, a social scientist at the University of California at Santa Cruz, who proposed that women are more discriminating than men about their sexual partners because biologically women have to invest more time and energy in reproduction than do men.

Men on the other hand stand to gain in terms of reproductive success for having sexual relations with as many women as possible, the theory holds.

''To some degree the sexes are inevitably at odds, given the differences in their strategies,'' Dr. Buss said.

Even so, Dr. Buss does not see evolution as explaining all his findings. ''The sources of conflict between men and women are much more diverse than I predicted,'' he said.

Some of that diversity may be caused by sex roles. ''Men and women are socialized differently as children,'' said Nancy Cantor, a social psychologist at the University of Michigan. ''Men, for example, are not expected to be as open with their emotions as women, while women are expected to be less aggressive than men. So you'd expect a list very much like he found.''

Dr. Gottman offered another explanation, saying: ''The categories sound like much of what we see in couples' fights. But they miss what underlies all that: whether people feel loved and respected. Those are the two most important dimensions in marital happiness.'' The War of the Sexes: 2 Views of the Battlefield Based on a new study of close to 600 men and women, many areas of conflict for couples are the same for both sexes. But here are the main areas where men and women diverge sharply over how upsetting certain behaviors are: What Bothers a Woman About a Man SEXUAL DEMANDS: Making her feel sexually used; trying to force sex or demanding it. CONDESCENSION: Ignoring her opinions because she is a woman; treating her as inferior or stupid; making her feel inferior. EMOTIONAL CONSTRICTION AND EXCESS: Hiding his emotions to act tough: drinking or smoking too much. NEGLECT: Unreliability; not spending enough time with her or calling when promised; ignoring her feelings or failing to say he loves her. THOUGHTLESSNESS: Being unmannerly, belching, for instance, or leaving the toilet seat up; not helping clean up the home; teasing her about how long it takes to get dressed. What Bothers a Man About a Woman SEXUAL REJECTION: Refusing to have sex; being unresponsive to sexual advances; being a sexual tease. MOODINESS: Acting ''bitchy'' or otherwise being out of sorts. SELF-ABSORPTION: Fussing over her appearance, worrying about her face and hair; spending too much on clothes. Source: David A. Buss, Ph.D., University of Michigan

A version of this article appears in print on June 13, 1989, on Page C00001 of the National edition with the headline: Study Defines Major Sources Of Conflict Between Sexes. Order Reprints|Today's Paper|Subscribe