Archive for the ‘Birth Control’ Category

Gentle readers, because I hate to think of you arriving at my blog on a Friday-Sunday and landing on the same old-same old blog (from Thursday), I’ve decided to launch a new initiative:

Flashback Friday!

Every Friday, I will post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memories, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

In honor of the porn website that is a “the” away from being my URL, I’ve created… a GrownUpGirl Pop Quiz about sex, just for you!

Actually, it’s about birth control. Ready?

Please consider the following options and answer honestly: Which form of Birth Control do you hate the most? Is it…?

a) The Pill! Because it pumps you full of hormones, makes you (choose as many adjectives as you want): fat, break out, hold water, worry about what future effect taking the Pill will have on you? Or, if you’re breastfeeding, like me, maybe you hate it because every frickin time you forget to take that little pill at EXACTLY the same time each day (something impossible to accomplish, even for ‘To Do Checklist Freaks’ like me), you get – yippe! Your period (again)! Like, right before I finally trashed my last package and swore myself off the pill, I had gotten my 3rd period in a row in the same month. Mother fucker cock sucker!

Sorry, Gentle readers. That wasn’t me. That was the Pill talking just now.

b) The Sponge! Because, like every single woman I’ve ever met who has used the sponge, you got pregnant from it! You know who you are.

c) The Diaphragm! That is, if you’re like me and you can’t get the damn thing in there straight to save your life. And all that gooey spermicide you have to squeeze into it. Double he-ll no.

d) The IUD! Is it because they outlawed it for a while back in our mom’s day, and although we may like our bad-boy men, we do not like our birth control to be unlawful. Nor do I like the idea of hormones being pumped through my system on a daily basis, nor do I like the idea of a copper coil being inserted into my vagina, nor do I like getting anything but my husband’s penis inserted into my vagina, aside from tampons, of course, but I don’t exactly “like” that, it’s just a necessity. (refer to section a for details)

e) Drumroll please… the VCF! (Look it up, older moms like me who didn’t use birth control for a while because we wanted to get pregnant.) Now looky here, what’s this? My friend tells me it’s the best, easiest, coolest birth control around??? NOT. Whoever can get that damned film to stick itself properly in front of your cervix gets a standing ovation from me. I went through an entire box and still my husband found it stuck to him when we were finished having sex (it was supposed to have effortlessly dissolved within me).

f) Condoms! Who doesn’t like that dry rubbery feeling try to grind its way into your most sacred of spaces? Or the way some men’s you-know-whats just shrivel and go to sleep at the mere sight of a condom? Or the way you have to remove it afterwards and you feel like you are in the good company of hookers and teenagers all over the modern world?

*** Note: to unmarried sex-having girls and married but worried that he’s cheating girls: I’m sure there are lots of amazing things about condoms, like, for example, how you can’t get a horrible disease if he wears one correctly. So choose “f”, okay?

Okay ladies – you have your first official pop quiz. And to my sistahs, the lesbians & the virgins, just consider yourselves LUCKY that this survey doesn’t apply to you!

My friend, the uber-blogger Shwugo Hytzer, who has around 8 million dedicated followers (at least it seems that way when they all weigh in on his Facebook wall), gave me a heads up that he would be posting a blog today (Tues) that would reference a conversation we had the other week.

“You mean the conversation where you insisted there is no difference between men and women, after which I metaphorically kicked your ‘expert in gender studies’ ass as you walked me to my car and protected me from monsters and rapists?” I [wish I had] replied.

“Yeah, that one,” Shwugo [would have] conceded [had I really said that to begin with].

“Do you want me to include your real name, or do you want to remain anonymous?” he actually did ask me [being that he is a chivalrous dude].

“Bring it on!” I replied foolishly, hoping his millions of devotees would immediately hop on the Grownup Girl bandwagon and my Google Analytic numbers would finally jump out of the tepid 2 digits.

Of course it occurred to me that those same devotees may turn fiendishly against me and decide to set fire to my house, or worse, disagree with me. Plus, Shwugo has haters – would his haters hate me too? I have always said it’s important to be able to take criticism, and I have never listened to myself. Will I listen this time?

Time, dear readers, will tell.

Oh – and for those of you Shwugo followers who are still reading this blog, even after finding out that I’m basically into joking around and I’m not particularly interested in arguing or explaining why the physical bodies of men and women are different [but if you insist, I’ll explain it’s because our spiritual makeup is different and therefore our roles in this world are also different, DUH!]… check out these blogs, & hopefully they will make you laugh. Or light a match.

In honor of the porn website that is a “the” away from being my URL, I’ve created… a GrownUpGirl Pop Quiz about sex, just for you!

Actually, it’s about birth control. Ready?

Please consider the following options and answer honestly: Which form of Birth Control do you hate the most? Is it…?

a) The Pill! Because it pumps you full of hormones, makes you (choose as many adjectives as you want): fat, break out, hold water, worry about what future effect taking the Pill will have on you? Or, if you’re breastfeeding, like me, maybe you hate it because every frickin time you forget to take that little pill at EXACTLY the same time each day (something impossible to accomplish, even for ‘To Do Checklist Freaks’ like me), you get – yippe! Your period (again)! Like, right before I finally trashed my last package and swore myself off the pill, I had gotten my 3rd period in a row in the same month. Mother fucker cock sucker!

Sorry, Gentle readers. That wasn’t me. That was the Pill talking just now.

b) The Sponge! Because, like every single woman I’ve ever met who has used the sponge, you got pregnant from it! You know who you are.

c) The Diaphragm! That is, if you’re like me and you can’t get the damn thing in there straight to save your life. And all that gooey spermicide you have to squeeze into it. Double he-ll no.

d) The IUD! Is it because they outlawed it for a while back in our mom’s day, and although we may like our bad-boy men, we do not like our birth control to be unlawful. Nor do I like the idea of hormones being pumped through my system on a daily basis, nor do I like the idea of a copper coil being inserted into my vagina, nor do I like getting anything but my husband’s penis inserted into my vagina, aside from tampons, of course, but I don’t exactly “like” that, it’s just a necessity. (refer to section a for details)

e) Drumroll please… the VCF! (Look it up, older moms like me who didn’t use birth control for a while because we wanted to get pregnant.) Now looky here, what’s this? My friend tells me it’s the best, easiest, coolest birth control around??? NOT. Whoever can get that damned film to stick itself properly in front of your cervix gets a standing ovation from me. I went through an entire box and still my husband found it stuck to him when we were finished having sex (it was supposed to have effortlessly dissolved within me).

f) Condoms! Who doesn’t like that dry rubbery feeling try to grind its way into your most sacred of spaces? Or the way some men’s you-know-whats just shrivel and go to sleep at the mere sight of a condom? Or the way you have to remove it afterwards and you feel like you are in the good company of hookers and teenagers all over the modern world?

*** Note: to unmarried sex-having girls and married but worried that he’s cheating girls: I’m sure there are lots of amazing things about condoms, like, for example, how you can’t get a horrible disease if he wears one correctly. So choose “f”, okay?

Okay ladies – you have your first official pop quiz. And to my sistahs, the lesbians & the virgins, just consider yourselves LUCKY that this survey doesn’t apply to you!