Dating Advice #206 - Married Students

Will the emotional and financial demands of marriage preclude completing her education?

I have been dating a man for three years now and we both feel its time to tie the knot. The only thing is that both of us are students, and I'm scared that being married without an income, and being a wife and a student at the same time, is not an easy thing to juggle.

I have three more years of school and I'm not even sure I'd finish school if we got married now, because soon after would come kids. School is important just so that I can get a good job after I graduate. My fiance has two more years until he graduates.

Do you have any suggestions, or examples of what other young couples do to make ends meet?

Toni

Dear Toni,

You've raised an important issue, which actually used to affect many young couples. Today, the average age for marriage has climbed over the past several decades, as many young adults prefer to finish their education and become established in their career before they think about marriage. However, there are still a good number of men and women who, while in the midst of their studies or at the beginning of their careers, realize they have met the right person and would like to begin building a life together now, rather than later.

From our own perspective, marrying young can be a good idea for two people who have maturity, well-articulated goals, flexibility, and good relationship-building skills. Starting off with very little materially can actually be an advantage: You learn as a couple how to prioritize time and expenses, give emotional support to each other's education and fledgling careers, shape dreams for the future together, gradually acquire financial stability in a shared effort, and develop a common history. These are all experiences that can greatly enrich your marriage.

Yet with all these advantages, young married couples still face unique challenges. They often have to adjust (temporarily) to a lower standard of living than the one in which they were raised. Also, they are still maturing cognitively and socially, and will be undergoing a great deal of personal growth during their early years together. While this means that some couples will grow apart, husbands and wives who focus on maintaining emotional intimacy usually grow in the same direction.

Frankly, marriage at any age has its benefits and detractions. Couples who marry after they finish their educations may have a shorter period of economic uncertainty and struggle than a younger couple, but also face the challenge of balancing the time they want to spend together with the demands of their fledgling careers. Men and women who want to enjoy their 20s without the responsibilities of making someone else happy or raising children often have difficulty acquiring the mindset that enables them to develop an enduring, mutually-beneficial relationship.

Further, those who marry after investing their energy into developing their careers and themselves have different challenges -- how to transition their active singles lifestyle to that of a married person, how to deal with the wealth each has accumulated, and how to share and be involved with another person after being single for many years.

There is no one perfect age for marriage -- it depends on the maturity of the couple, the point in life that they meet, and their willingness to trade the costs and benefits of their current lifestyle for the costs and benefits of being married.

So what about your situation, where you both are still in school? We would encourage each of you to clarify what you would like to accomplish as an individual and as a married person over the next six months, one year, and five years, and the way you envision achieving these short- and long-term goals.

Next, the two of you need to discuss how your individual goals can be met at the same time that your mutual goals are being met. You should be careful about abandoning personal goals in order to please your partner, or because there is only room to achieve one person's goals. People who push their goals aside often regret the decision later on, and may come to resent the other person. Of course, this does not preclude reworking your goals in order to achieve a compromise where each partner can have expectations that both will support.

What troubles us about your letter is that you seem to accept the idea that if you get married while still in school, you may have to give up your education, which is the key to your ability to work in a career that will be emotionally and financially rewarding. Not only is this not necessary, but there are a myriad of solutions that you can choose from to insure that both of you complete your educations, whenever a baby comes into the picture.

In this regard, it is crucial for you to psychologically support the other's goals and to be willing to make some changes in the routes each of you have been traveling until now. Have you as a couple considered any of the following possibilities, or some combination?

1. Adding extra courses each semester, going to summer school, and/or taking CLEP exams in order to graduate a semester or year early.

2. Transferring to a less expensive or less demanding college.

3. Taking as many courses as practicable now, and switching to part-time studies if you have a child.

4. Going to college at night.

5. Working part-time while you are in school.

6. In addition to college studies, taking a training course now that can enable you to find part-time and summer employment that pays better than traditional "student jobs." People who've thought out of the box on this have put themselves through school as lifeguards, cosmetologists, telemarketers, caricature artists, real estate agents, etc.

As a couple, you should be able to come up with a few workable solutions. Newlyweds can attend college full-time and work part-time and still make enough time for each other. Since your lives will be pretty full, you'll also need to work together to balance them with other responsibilities of married life.

It's also a good idea to reach a mutual understanding about your roles in maintaining the household: how you will divide budgeting and financial management, shopping, meal preparation and planning, housework, errands, appointment-making, maintenance of your apartment and car, etc.

In your decision whether to become engaged now, there is also one more factor that you probably have already taken into consideration -- that you have reached the point in your courtship where you are ready to move to the next level. You feel the need to add the depth that can only develop when two people make a lifelong commitment. Couples who have reached this point of readiness cannot stay there for too long without things getting stale and stressful.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 6

(6)
Anonymous,
March 4, 2009 4:04 PM

Thank You

I just want to say thank you for your honesty in this wonderful article! I love how you were able to show how it is possible to focus both on being married and having a successful career. I think that too often people only focus on career and not enough on family and home life. It was very encouraging and helpful!

(5)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2007 6:41 PM

we did it :-)

We got married before either us of us had started our degrees and my husband put off starting university for another year while he learned in yeshiva during our first year of marriage. We don't regret it for a moment! It was absolutely the right time for us to get married, both as individuals and where we were in our relationship, and we are so happy and thankful that we have had this growing, formative period of our lives together.

Please G-d I will be graduating this summer, and am then planning to do a further two year course that will qualify me to teach. My med student husband has another three years to go. We have a beautiful 16 month daughter and our second child is due in June. Baruch Hashem.

Financially: The UK government helps students by giving loans and grants, and that is what we live off. Baruch Hashem, all our needs are fulfilled. (We definitely could be dissatisfied about the things we can't afford, but so can anyone in any financial bracket, and we try to focus on the many things we have.)

Timewise: marriage, a baby, university - people always ask us how we manage. University is the same as a job. (I actually think it's less.) How do working parents do it? The truth is, we live very busy lives, filled with activities we values and want to be doing. Getting the balance right is a constant effort that (hopefully) we get better at over time. One afternoon a week is our 'date' day when we don't arrange anything else but just spend time together. And we do lots of fun things - bike rides, trips to other cities, walks in the park. (We think that's fun :-)

(4)
Rachel,
June 30, 2006 12:00 AM

Go for it

Here in Israel, many people are married students and it is very acceptable.My husband is student. We dont live like kings but we dont starve either!! Babies is what costs the money and I dont see why you can't wait. We chose not too because we had a source of income from a rented flat but things are tough. However who says you have to start life with all the additional luxuries! Anyway, I disagree with Annie, my husband and I have done plenty of wild partying, life doesn't stop when you get married - we went to a student rockfestival recently in Jerusalem and I thought I would be the only pregnant woman there until I discovered Givat Ha Nashim be Herion - a small grassy patch with a great view of the stage where all the pregnant ladies were sitting!!! I say GO FOR IT. Personally I think America Jews are too hooked on career success and social standing at the expense of the real things in life. Plenty of non frum couples live together so why shouldn't a young couple commit?!!!!

(3)
Annie,
June 24, 2006 12:00 AM

I agree with Anonymous

Anonymous suggests delaying starting a family, and if this is incompatible with Toni and her fiance's beliefs than I would suggest that they wait until one of them at least graduates. It would be sad to have to drop out with only part of a degree.

Being married is hard enough without the extra burdens of being poor. Also, the student years are the only time when you can have the fun of being an adult without the responsibilities ! You'll be married and 'grown-up' for many more years than you will be a university student ! I don't know anyone who wishes that they hadn't waited before they married.

Once you're married, your youth is kind of over-but if you postpone it for a few years, you can have the best of both worlds. Think about it !

(2)
Anonymous,
June 4, 2006 12:00 AM

How can you even suggest they switch colleges?

Switching to a "less expensive" college would mean most probably a worse college. This is a decision that will show its results for the rest of their lives.
If you do not put as an alternative postponing having children, do not propose acquiring an education lesser than the best they can.

(1)
ARIEL,
May 30, 2006 12:00 AM

LOOK AT YOUR LOANS FIRST

iF YOU GET MONEY FORM THE GOVERMENT FOR SCHOOL OR HAVE SCHOOL LOANS.
GETTING MARRIED MIGHT CHANGE THE DUE-DATE OF PAYMENTS BACK. YOU CAN EVEN LOSE OR GRANTS FOR COLLEGE SO CHECK ON THAT BEFORE YOU TAKE THE NEXT STEP

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!