HANNAH: And, number two, even though I have gout, I’m going to eat this entire wheel of Cheddar, because I just got off the phone with my children, who said that on account of me starting on Social Security they’ve decided to cut me off.

JESSA: If you kick the bucket, can I get with your husband big time?

HANNAH: Jessa, Adam has been dead for years.

JESSA: So you’re saying that just because he’s dead I can’t have sex with him?

SHOSHANNA: Isn’t that, like, not anti-abnormal or something?

MARNIE: Why does Jessa get to have sex with everyone when I’m the one with the new hip?

SHOSHANNA: Um, seriously, though, are we still allowed to have sex, and does Medicare pay? And, also, what’s with kale being everywhere? Does it have, like, some amaze publicist? And, also, who am I?

MARNIE: I’d like to point out that I have the least personality of any of us, so shouldn’t that give me the right to the corpse?

ADAM: Yoo-hoo. Who says I’m dead? I mean, apart from Hannah, who’s just saying that because she loves me. More than life itself.

HANNAH: You know what, Adam? Truth is no excuse, and you have age-related dementia, so shut your piehole and go put your Argyle cardigan back on.

JESSA: Excuse me, it is so not age-related.

ADAM: Does this mean you’re not going to the A.A.R.P. mixer with me, Hannah, and, anyway, can I borrow some of your Kaopectate and Tums?

SHOSHANNA: I think calamine lotion can be fun under the right circumstances.

HANNAH: Adam, scat. I’m trying to write the Great American Tweet, which is why it’s unfair for my children not to totally subsidize me at least until I’m eighty so I can nurture my talent and, for crying out loud, find myself at last. I calculate that I can afford to live absolutely on my own in assisted living for three more months, maybe four if I skip bingo.

MARNIE: Didn’t I keep telling you that you should have opened an I.R.A.? What’s the point of being controlling if I don’t get to control anyone?

SHOSHANNA: You could control me as long as you don’t, like, tell me what to do. Also, is I.R.A. contagious? Because that would be so sick!