Personal journey exploring mental illness and suicide

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Day 656

While sorting out my clothes and listening to BBC Radio 4 this morning, it hit me that life will never be the same again. Some of these clothes will never be worn by me again. They are not me. They are what I used to be but now everything is different. My body and my being are different. The planet I live on now is different. There is a huge chasm between where I live now and where I lived when Saagar was alive. Every incident in the past belongs either on this or that side of the chasm. Everything has happened in relation to that one incident – before or after. And there is no way of going back to the planet before.

The landscape on this planet used to be bare, completely lacking in possibilities, lifeless. But it is slowly changing. It is being nourished by meaningful, authentic and loving relationships. All dead-heads are being removed and vegetation carefully pruned of nonsense. What remains is real. It is guided by a sense of purpose. It is a space that allows for expression and creativity. Most of all, it works on the love principle. There are possibilities. Everything here is tinged with the absence of Saagar yet, it is a place of hope. The essence of the human being that was Saagar is here for everyone. His friend said in her e-mail, “We missed our Saagar dearly at graduation. We wish he — and you — could have been there, of course, and in a way it almost felt wrong that we should get to graduate without him. But all of us carried his memory with us, and without him we wouldn’t have grown and learned the way we did (and still are). I miss him every day.’

There wasn’t a penny to his name and yet he was rich enough to enrich all our lives.

It is for us to discover the potential for pure joy. It is here, on this planet.