July 12, 2010

Meghan McCain took a break from having an opinion this week and sat down to interview Jersey Shore starlette, Snooki Polizzi. The interview was embedded with political insights that make us think Snooki could really give Sarah Palin a run for her money. Below, a comprehensive guide to the Snooki 2012 political platform.

Independent Party of Ignorance
Political neutrality! Apparently, the only kind of party Snooki wants anything to do with involves fist pumping.

To be honest with you, I’m not really a Republican or a Democrat. I actually signed up as an independent, just because I don’t want to pick any side and also I don’t really know a lot about politics.

The Politics of Tanning — it’s involved, but you know, whatever
In a recent Twitter exchange with McCain’s father, Snooki expressed her disappointment in the Obama administration for imposing a tax on tanning. Here, she expands:

Um, I really don’t see the reason why there would be a tax on tanning, because so many people go tanning even though they’re not, like, Guido/Guidettes. People go tanning because they like to feel tan. You feel more sexy when you’re tan and I don’t understand why you would tax on that, because you’re making yourself feel more happy about yourself. So I really don’t understand why that would be, but you know, whatever.

John McCain Endorsement
Snooki endorsed and voted for McCain in 2008. Surely he will reciprocate the favor, especially with compliments like these:

To be honest with you, the only reason why I voted for your father was because he was really cute and I liked when he did his speeches.

The Real People’s Candidate
Snooki doesn’t just make great television, she truly connects with her fans. She even wants to have coffee with you:

I think the biggest misconception about me is people really don’t know who I really am. They see the party side of me, they see the crazy side of me. But I also have a laid-back side. You know, I’m chill, down-to-earth. If you want to grab a cup of coffee and just talk about life, I can do that.

And gift you with paid speeches:

Like in my first college appearance there, it was the most amazing time I’ve ever had. I can interact with my fans, they ask me questions, I answer their questions and we pretty much just have that bond. And I’d rather, to be honest with you, be doing that, talking to colleges, than going to these clubs for two hours and, you know, and just like, you know, dancing and being on a party scene.

Straight Talk
You can always count on Snooki to tell you like it is.

I just feel like we’re [the cast of Jersey Shore] really relatable and we don’t hold anything back. We’re all bold, we all say what’s on our mind, and if you have something to say and you know causes a dramatic thing, that’s what’s going to happen.

National Noise Ordinance
This sounds like a great idea. It would really put a DJ spin on your morning coffee.

I really liked Miami because of the party scene. Like, you would go out and there would be music playing at 10 o’clock in the morning, so you can go out and have breakfast and dance at the same time.

A Cabinet for Family Values
Every great president has had a cabinet full of people they respect and admire. For Snooki, that happens to be former Playmate Kendra Wilkinson and reality-star mom Tori Spelling.

I do admire Kendra Wilkinson and Tori Spelling, just because of their family. You know, they’re in the limelight just as much as I am, but they have a husband, they have kids, and I think that’s awesome.

Of course, the Guidette Political Platform needs work. For instance, they may be putting a tax on gym memberships, possibly rendering The Situation’s abdominal dominance lacking definition. She might also make take a stance on violence against women. And perhaps gay marriage? It’s important to cover all your bases.