Lots of Pirates, not Enough Depp

So in the first installment of Pirates of the Caribbean “Curse of the Black Pearl,” it was established that Johnny Depp’s strange and clever take on Captain Jack Sparrow basically saved the movie. It ended up making way more money than anyone expected, over $300 million, which naturally led to a sequel.

This week that follow-up, “Dead Man’s Chest

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Bill Nightly plays Davy Jones. You just have to hope he doesn’t get typecast as a squid face

,” arrived at video stores with the hope that you can’t get enough of Depp’s pirate captain as channeled by Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards.

And the good news is, we can’t. The bad news is we don’t.

There is lots and lots of nonsensical flapdoodle in “Dead Man’s Chest,” but not enough of it involves Depp. He has his moments, of course, but we keep taking breaks for great heaping helpings of something called “plot.”

I mention that because this “plot” concept would be a good notion to keep in mind for the upcoming sequel to the sequel, which is dead bang certain to be arriving soon. This film doesn’t even make any pretense to the fact that it is merely a setup for the next one. Outside of giving us trailing for Part III, or announcing the actual dates that it will be out, they couldn’t have made it any clearer.

The plot, on the other hand, could have used a little thought. Much of it makes no sense whatsoever and other parts are just painfully dim-witted. They seem to have exhausted all their creativity when they created a villain, Davy Jones, with a face of squid tentacles. Which, by the way, is nowhere near as expressive a face as you might think, even when he puffs a pipe and you have to guess which of the many blowholes the smoke will exit.

Although the movie is dull, we can say that it is long — 30 minutes over two hours, which is a lot of time to pretend we are concerned about whether or not the Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley characters are going get married. (I’m guessing yes but maybe that’s just the romantic in me talking.)

Other than that there are lots and lots of special effects, The Flying Dutchman, and some hairbreadth escapes. In other words, except for Depp, it is just another summer action film.

Now, about Depp. If anything, he’s turned up the swish setting for the sequel. It should not be said that his Captain Sparrow runs like a girl, for example. No self-respecting girl would flail her arms and elbows so helplessly.

It is a reminder that Sparrow is an odd sort of action hero. He really doesn’t DO anything. He generally runs from fights, and except for a gritty moment at the very end when he charges into the (literal) jaws of danger, he hasn’t shown any real courage or athletic ability. Mostly he is saved by lucky coincidences which pluck him out of harm’s way at the last second. He’s the Mr. Magoo of pirate captains.

But he still can be very funny. You’ve already heard the line, of course, when Knightley’s character says “There will come a time when you will have a chance to do something courageous, to do the right thing.”

And Sparrow replies: “I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.”

He also contributes some nice bits of business at odd moments when you wouldn’t expect a laugh. His makeup when he is captured by the jungle tribes is arresting, with a line of eyes painted down his cheek, but Depp makes it even better with a clever blink.

Still, this is a long slog over heavy ground, and you will be glad you waited until the DVD came out rather than paying full fare at the theater. Now that we get the deal, we should do the same for Part III.

However, there was a worrisome moment at the end when it seemed that Depp’s character might not be back for the next installment. It seems pretty obvious that’s just a plot device, but it does make you think for a moment.

“Pirates” without Depp? That one would be called “Dead at the Box Office.”