I think about a world to come where the books were found by the golden ones, written in pain, written in awe by a puzzled man who questioned, "What are we here for?" All the strangers came today and it looks as though they're here to stay.

-David Bowie "Oh! You Pretty Things"

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Hate Letter

My father recieved the following letter in the mail recently:

Here's a transcript:

"Rick
"Got your name at Jordan's party! You look awful! You look like Charles Manson. Do you love the devil or God!I think the devil the wys yw way you look. It's hiddious [hideous]. You admire yourself it seems. Yo'ure out of touch with society. Your family all hate it and are ashamed to be your relative. Go back into the woods and live there: society does'nt need this kind of look. Your family doesn't want to admit that your'e a relative. Get real!"

* * *

Some of you may think this is the most ridiculous, uneducated, misrepresented, foolish, overzealous, idiotic, moronic, sick, disgusting, ridiculous, (Did I say ridiculous?), misguided, superficial letter you've ever read, but I'll have you know that this is actually an important document. What you might not know is that this missive is actually a form commonly used in the secret history of Christianity. Let me give you an example:

When Martin Luther wrote his 95 theses, he nailed them to the door of the church and immediately ran away. You see, Martin Luther never actually signed the document, and that's what makes it funny. For quite some time this was the prevalent practical joke in most Christian circles. A couple hundred years later the nailing of anonymous theses, probably due to some scribal error, had evolved into the placement of burning feces on the doorsteps of unsuspecting neighbors. For much of my life, this was the most popular prank, until the year 2001 when animal waste was replaced by ambiguous black monoliths.

* * *

All joking aside, I would like to issue my own letter to whoever wrote this letter to my father:

"To whom it may concern:

"Your spelling is hiddious.

"Sincerely,

"Justin Richard Tiemeyer, son of Richard William Tiemeyer

"P.S. You're a self-righteous coward. You've created a god in your own image, a god who values appearance and social status over the contents of a person's character, a god who ought to be killed as soon as possible.

"P.P.S. In case you didn't catch it earlier, my name is Justin Tiemeyer. If you're reading this blog, you know how to get a hold of me. I hope some day you have the courage to insult my father to my face."