Who am I?

Originating in the dark ages, one future Emperor would rise to claim victory over all knights of Java development. Trained in the ancient arts of RPG, our Emperor fought many a battle with sys admins and project managers in order to spread the truth of clean, readably design code. Alas, our hero was tragically scarred in the line of battle while fighting with an IT manager that deemed it more important to patch an already failing system by appending an overly complex front end system. While ultimately triumphing in victory our hero gained a new perspective on software design. It was during this period that he turned to the dark side, enslaving those who did his bidding and bringing turmoil to those who stood in his way.

Clifton Craig…

Is the master of over 40 different programming languages/platforms/technologies, one of them just invented two minutes ago by an Amish free-lancer working in Sweden

Can write code without using the shift, space, or enter keys

Can read code that was written without using the shift, space, or enter keys

Can divide by zero

Invented C programming, named it Cliff, then later gave the credit to Dennis Ritchie who shortened the syntax and then the name to C.

Once wrote a Java Lexer/Parser in RPGLE for the Commodore64 using Braille on a 286 during summer vacation

Will give you the best sound out of your Honda Accord using 99 cent copper wire, house speakers, a guitar amplifier, and one of those two knob head units with the push button channel changer that never quite lands on power 99FM

Is the only way to eat a Reese’s (Every other method is flawed regardless of what the voice on the commercials tell you)

Honestly, I’m not trying to be funny. Thanks for the heads up. I’m not offended, but I know nothing about nothing and I’m not trying to be funny. Hell, I even said up above that my jokes are un-funny. See:

I’m a clown that loves to irritate others with sometimes abrasive and non-humorous humor. I think my jokes are hilarious but others, well, you can draw your own conclusion.

What is funny is that somebody cares enough about a brother to navigate to the “about me” section and leave such a comment. That leaves evidence of some deeper interest in me. Maybe you want to know why I’m not so funny. Maybe you expect to find a picture of me to see if I’m as ugly as I am “not funny”. I dunno, but that comment is kinda funny. Thanks for giving me (and my rather small group of 10-15 readers, 1 or 2 of which probably will ever see this page) a laugh. Don’t worry, we’re not laughing at you. We’re laughing at how my unfunny attempts to be funny are actually funny. (That’s probably not funny either!) It’s probably the only laugh anybody reading my site could ever hope for since everything else is so… “not funny”. If anybody else happens to be reading, (and I wouldn’t understand why you’re reading up “about me”, since I’m not that interesting) don’t take none of my stuff too seriously. Feelings can get hurt frustrations could rise, all over something that’s supposed to be “fun” not “funny”. It’s all gravy…

Thanx dorai. I almost missed your post as it got caught up in my spam filters. Don’t worry about being appropriate. I wanna keep the site open and I welcome all comments whether they’re trash talking or otherwise prductive.

Thanx, but I really don’t think of myself as funny. I try to make my writing fun and if you get a laugh then cool. If not, then it’s all good in da’ hood. While there is a lot of fun and happening stuff going on in the tech industry there are too many tech articles and writings that read like wallpaper. My aim is to highlight some of those nice to know things in a way that keeps you focused long enough to leave a comment like, “stop being so corny and whack!” If I get enough of those comments then enough of my article has been read and thus I have accomplished my mission.

Yes you may ask. Wether I’ll respond or not is another question! ;) I use the a <pre/> tag nested in a <code/> tag. I also use the CopyAsHTML plugin in IntelliJ Idea to do all of the escaping for me. If you look at my earliest posts I have source code to a little Groovy app that does the HTML escaping as well.

I can’t remember how I stumbled out of bed this morning, but seriously, why not leave a comment like:
“Seriously, you are not funny.”

I invite all feedback negative and positive as it gives me an idea of whaty’all are feelin’. If you not feelin’ my flow then I gots ta know, y’know? Thanx for the compliment and now I gotta get back to work.

Not funny at all. That Cliff kid is just a straight clown… He thinks that just cause he gotz a little bit of experience with computers and just cause he was in some rap group back in the 90’s that he gotz sumn John Blaze or sumn. Let me tell ya’ the rhymes iz not wirkin’ the flow is awful… I dunno why he even tries to put anything up here. Yeah, man, I get it! You think you got talent. Just like the three hundred forty seven people from my hood that swore they was gonna blow up like 50 cent. (Why is it every body from my part of town either got a record deal in the pipes or putting someone on with someone that got a record deal in the pipes?)

Fo’ real, this Cliff character thinks he got my goat just because I’m upset enough to spend my spare time commenting on his whack site instead of using that time to figure out why I got a NullPointerException and a race condition in a method that is so obviously thread safe!!! That Cliff fool is garbage, don’t read his nonsense, instead look at my lame attempt to point out how “Tom Brokaw” his flow really is! On my word this kid is garbage!!!

Let the record show that I don’t know Mark. While I did work closely with a guy named Mark some years ago and while I’d recently reunited with that Mark giving him the URL to this page and threatening to hold his family hostage if he did not leave a comment the above Mark is not that same Mark. The above Mark could be any number of Marks including the Mark that runs the product department as Vice President at my company. The above Mark was not forced or coerced to leave a comment. Rather, he felt compelled to do so (probably out of pity cuz I can’t see why else someone would even bother…) after reading something randomly posted somewhere on these pages. I thank you, Mr. Above Mark, for your words of kindness. May all of your unit tests green bar on their second execution. You may leave in peace, Above Mark. As always, feel free to return and comment.

Cliff!!!!! (think Cheers) dude where ya been all my life? Are you currently employed? if so, interested in making a lil sumthin’ on the side? If not, interested in making a lil somethin on the side (interested in dev skills only :)

Tell me more about iPhone speex codec !!!
• can my app just damn write the audio into speex ?
• can any old web browser play speex ?
• is speex way tinier than MP3 ?
• is audio OK sounding with speex ? (this is just ppl talking mostly)
• can QuickTime play speex ???

HILARIOUS, you give me hope in humanity with this funny ass genius website

Thanx for checking me out. I appreciate all comments, feedback, complaints, etc. Tell your friends then tell those friends to tell their friends. Make sure they tell their friends friends to tell their momma. Eventually moms will tell Aunt Pearl (…because everybody has a mom who has a friend they call “Aunt Pearl”. I’ve verified this programmatically.) Once Aunt Pearl finds out I can safely assume my stats will grow. I thank you and your friends’ friends’ mom’s friend Aunt Pearl in advance.

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Hello! I need the source code for a voice changer app. It doesn’t matter what language, though i’d preffer java2me or android. I’ve seen in a forum that you were looking for one to, couple of years ago, and i thought maybe you can help me. It’s for a personal project. Thank you.