nothing in here is true

Monday, September 1, 2003

today is labor day and i guess that should mean that we should reflect on the jobs that we’ve been lucky enough to have while walking around gods green earth.

mine started at mcdonalds in santa monica back during the olympics. they first put me on mop detail. i guess thats how you start in life. it didnt matter that i was in college, it mattered that i never had a job before, so where better than cleaning the toilets in a fast food retaurant, and then, naturally, making hamburgers. i remember there being gnats in the shakes, i remember dropping buns on the floor, i remember working six hours one day and feeling exhausted and i do remember the four months feeling like three years. and i do remember making three dollars and seventy five cents an hour. and i do remember quitting. i also remember creating the first double quarter pound cheeseburger in history, which at the time was illegal, while my buddies break danced on cardboard boxes behind the drive thru.

then i worked at a record store which was the greatest job i ever had and i shoulda just stopped there. but then i sold computers and made my first million. felt guilty so worked at a full service gas station in beverly hills for almost a year. then came back but didnt sell computers, sold tvs, stereos the first picture in picture sony xbr, denon audio.

went to santa barbara and worked for the arts and lectures dept as an usher. heard all the great speakers and authors, saw modern ballet, everything. then wrote at the paper and edited and learned. then worked in the cafeteria, then woke up at dawn and delivered donuts to lots of places in santa barbara including an operation that would later recruit me, train me, put things in my head, ruin my memory, teach me how touch a woman proper, fly a helicopter, steal from the theives and utilize esp. then i painted apartments in iv.

then i worked at sears. then i became a sales rep for a multi billion dollar electronics company and helped launch digital cassette that failed and the compact disc interactive that failed and webtv that failed if you consider getting bought by microsoft for a half billion dollars a failure. worked for webtv before the buyout and for microsoft after.

during i sold hot dogs for the san francisco giants in ninety seven the year they went to the playoffs. sold dogs at the playoff game and one guy gave me a twenty dollar tip if i would get him a beer. when i got him the beer he paid for it and tipped me a few more bucks. also during i had my own custom audio video installation company where people would tip and tip and introduce me to their teenage daughters and their daughters really didnt seem to mind.

quit everything and moved to la and worked for a start-up at entry level wages working the graveyard shift and within a few months i was helping out in hiring people and after that i was hiring people and after that i was hiring lots of people and being the mascot and writing and designing the ads that would go in the times and i was counseling people and firing people and advising people and growing the company and getting paid after a little while more money than ive ever been paid and stock options literally out of the ying and then the bubble burst and i was laid off and four hours later rehired because my coworkers all called bullshit simultainously in the finest moment of my life and i was at home working on my website and missed it. then the xbi said how could you get fired and i said i didnt see it coming and they said how did you get rehired and i said i didnt see it coming. and they said youre back to only making $12 an hour and i said yes and they said what sort of crazy company is this and i said who cares, i get to work next to karisa.

and they said well thats cool but after that ends youre coming back to work for us and i said i didnt want to and they said you dont have a choice and i said yes, i could work for the feds and they said youwouldnt do that and i said sure i would i was younger then idealistic and i did it for a while and then i saw the truth and i couldnt handle the truth so i told the xbi that i would work for them if they let me fly chopper one and they said done.