Bones From My Closet

Summary

Bones From My Closet is an in-depth look at child and adult abuse, a true-life account of one woman’s life, as she travels through the murky waters of despair, anxiety and anguish. Her story is moving, and highlights the horrendous damage done to the psyche of anyone who is a victim of sexual abuse and rape. It is an eye-opener for women who have led a ‘normal’ life and a possible relief for victims of abuse to know that they are not alone in their daily struggle for survival and for a life of wellness.

Chapter 1: Flying With the Angels

I look at him, at his squinty eyes peering at me. I am lying down, my nappy undone. Exposed I am. I see this man hovering over me. He touches me down there between my spread out chubby thighs. He’s smiling through his thick wired glasses.

This bubble that opened in my brain lasted only a second but it remains etched forever.

I am lying face down on my mother’s lap as my siblings stand there, watching. She repeatedly hits my bare bottom with a hair brush. I cry out trying to wiggle out from under her arm and hand holding me down. She hits and hits again. I feel the pain. I cry out but she hits even harder.

Being a toddler, I have no perception of why she is doing this. This, as well, is a bubble that bursts in my brain.

Another bubble erupts:

The beating doesn’t stop. Crouching under her anger, fearing my mother I have learned to cover my head with my tiny arms and hands as if to protect myself from the blows. I don’t know why she is so angry. I don’t know why she hits me and screams. Not daring to move, I cry silently, feeling every blow.

Those are the first memories I have of my mother and my uncle.

He’s coming to get me … that big man with the scary glasses! I crouch under the kitchen table. He’s getting closer! Afraid, I cry but no one else is around.

Suddenly, silence. ‘Hush… Hush…’ he says, his finger on his tightly closed lips.

On this sunny afternoon I stand in awe of my oldest brother Daniel as he stands by the railing of the veranda. I think about how beautiful he is wearing his blue shirt and matching shorts. The dark bangs of hair feather his black eyes. As I stare at him, I feel proud that he is my brother. Silently, I stand there, loving him while he smiles at me.

We share a birthday: He is 7 and I am 2½ years old.

On this afternoon I sit on the kitchen counter as my grandmother whispers soothingly by my side. She is helping me slip on a white dress with red polka dots. For one moment I look towards the living room where people are whispering and crying. I see the white box covered with white ribbons. Daniel is lying in that box holding a rosary in his hands. I look at his head and think how beautiful he is. He is so still.

I’m still 2 ½ years old and don’t understand that he has died.

Later on I ask my mother what happened to Daniel. She doesn’t want to talk about it and it becomes a taboo issue. However with some indications from what the family is saying, at first I come to the conclusion that he had died from polio, and later on I thought it was leukemia. My thinking is of course, erratic and I remain with this untruth for many years.

I have often wondered how Daniel really died, that is, what was the cause of his death. When I was 48, my doctor asked for his hospital records. There on paper, was every indication that he died from meningitis partly caused by infection from decayed teeth. I am saddened by the knowledge that he could have been saved had he been given enough antibiotics.

I thought of my parents who were still grieving the loss of their first born son. On the other hand I do not understand why my mother let Daniel’s teeth go so bad. I’m certain that she realized her mistake because after Daniel’s death she had the doctor come in and anaesthetise us, one at a time, on the kitchen table, in order to pull out all of our rotted teeth. Even after that, we didn’t have the use of a toothbrush. Granted, we were very underprivileged and maybe my parents couldn’t afford that expense.

It is spring and I have just turned 5. In the bush, across from our street, the branches full of wild berries shade me from the sun. I stare at the ground covered in tiny mauve colored flowers! These are so beautiful! I think they are May Flowers and I slowly pick some for a bouquet. Freedom! Twirling on my tiptoes, I smile with glee. A gentle breeze caresses my body through the flowers printed onto my little cotton dress. I am happy and would stay there forever.

‘Why?’ I don’t know but perhaps it’s because I talk so much. I smell the glue on the tape. I want to cry out but I must still myself so not to irritate her more. Sitting here in the corner of the kitchen, oblivious to her, I stare at the white sheets pinned on the clotheslines that she had hung from the ceiling. She brought them in from the winter freeze. I suddenly think of Daniel in his white casket up there amongst the sheets.

A sunny, happy day! My cousin Betty is coming to live with us. Suddenly, I have a sister! As she climbs up the exterior steps leading to the main floor, I clap my hands in glee. She breaks out this most beautiful smile. She is seven years old…

I think … ‘I have a big sister now! How lucky I am!’

Holding her hand, I take her up to my room that now has twin beds and show her my doll, my tea set and some of my treasures. Of course we babble with each other and have fun.

I’m afraid! Yelling, my mother comes at me with the strap. I pee and feel it trickle down my legs, soaking my socks and shoes. I know the drill and I try to protect my legs and arms but with very little success. With each blow, a welt rises and burns.

I want to cry out, ‘Please don’t! Please!’ I do sob profusely. ‘I won’t do it again, I promise.’

Now, I must clean up the puddle on the floor. I mop in silence but I am crying.

To this day, I don’t remember why she hit me, what I had done that was so atrocious that I needed such a licking. For all the times she hit me, I don’t remember at all why and I find that odd.

Uncle Wilfred settles me beside him as he drives us kids around in his new car. This is so much fun! And I am sitting beside my favorite uncle with the glasses! He often takes us for rides in his luxurious car and gives us