2.14.2013

Hysterectomy Post-Op Update #2

So it's been almost two weeks since I went under the knife for my hysterectomy. Things are progressing but not as quickly as I hoped. I am trying hard to restrain myself from over-doing it which is far too easy when you aren't in a lot of pain. I tried shovelling the sidewalk last week (not a great idea) and though I didn't encounter a lot of pain my bleeding certainly increased which is apparently the biggest sign of overdoing something. I tried a small bit of vacuuming yesterday and seem ok so far. More than anything my mood is what is needing some TLC.

I was still pretty unsure about
removing perfectly good organs. Even now I am not sure if I have done the "right" thing. I suppose because
there is such a lack of research and therefore evidence of what the future holds
with respect to cancer risks, hormone therapy, osteoporosis or other
health issues, I am still unconvinced that removing
something that wasn't broken was necessary.

You are probably asking why the
hell would I go ahead and have a surgery if I wasn't 100% sure? I can't
honestly answer this. The reasons I
had for going ahead were more important than the ones I had for leaving it alone. I
can't predict the future. Whether or not I developed ovarian cancer or
cervical cancer didn't feel like a solely good enough reason to proceed. So if I wasn't having surgery to prevent cancer why was I undergoing a potentially risky surgery to remove something as benign as an unused pair of ovaries and uterus?

My reasons may not make sense to anyone else but I had to be able to justify this to my doctors and to myself. I never really experienced any sort of dysphoria from my reproductive organs. It wasn't as if they were visible or misrepresenting me in any way. I didn't have to hide them and being single meant that no one was interested in getting in my pants except me. Despite experiencing some pain and cramping everything was as normal as it gets for a trans guy.

I
wanted to be able to reduce my testosterone intake and hopefully stop
any confusion or conflict created by having both ovaries and
testosterone in my body. I found out afterwards that my ovaries were all shrunk up as if they had come out of a menopausal woman. I had my suspicions that estrogen didn't have quite the stronghold on my system as it might in a regular female. It took only one shot of T to shut everything off. It was as if my body was finally relieved that the "true" hormone finally showed up to do its job and estrogen had merely been a temporary solution for survival. The relief was real.

But I suppose the biggest reason to have the surgery was to make it real. I had to make a decision and I had to own it. I had to have faith in that seven year old who knew exactly who he was. I had to beat the fear, the doubt, the what if and just do it. More than anything that was the scariest part. There is no going back. There is no undo button, no way those pieces back if for any reason I felt I fucked up. I needed to do it or not do it but not paralyze myself with indecision.

2 comments:

I'm having the same internal discussion about whether to pursue hysterectomy or not. Being in Ontario it means going through another round of 'acceptance' visits with CAMH and I'm only just 'elligible' come March to have those appointments.

It's not as high on my 'importance' scale as top surgery was so I really have to make a decision if I'm going to put that time into it.

Lennox, I am really glad I don't live in ON. I have heard nothing but nightmareish stories of red tape and delay, frustration and anger. While things in the west seem to be less bureaucratic it still takes time to both make decisions and follow through. Probably a good thing though as one doesn't want to make life/body altering decisions in earnest.

So, what's with the Coyote?

Coyote is a great teacher and while he is usually singled out as a trickster, the lessons he teaches others are invaluable. He is a great spirit capable of transformation embodying elements of both male and female, animal and human.