Love and Marriage from an Egyptian point of view

by Dalia El Kady

When we talk about Love and marriage we are talking about
two different things. Love the mysterious word, that many failed to explain, is
where the secret of survival lies. Only very few were able to find their
way through this maze and avoid getting lost in it. Falling in love is a
very sophisticated psychological behaviour that many find in interpreting
since it is not instinctive as parental love for example. Hence, it is
liable to be affected by external facts such as time, place and the major
shift in social conditions. In a very simple attempt to identify what love
is, I may say that it is a complex process that grades from the stage of presentable
attraction to reach the ultimate phase of soul unification. Mutual
understanding, respect, trust and the sense of full integration are all
crucial elements that help love grow and develop on a good basis.

What's it like being married in Egypt?

Despite the fact that Egyptian society is rich with romantic singers
like Abd El Halim, Aum Koulthoum, Abd El Wahab ...,etc of whom it is very
proud and whose anniversary it celebrates, recalling to mind the age of
romanticism, it still considers love a taboo that should be confined to
such romantic songs only as such it has no real existence in the concrete
world. Hence, there is a contradiction within the Egyptian society, which
at the same time extends a love invitation to people through commemorating
such romantic singers who represent the best of romantic songs and through
celebrating valentine's day twice a year on the 4th of November and on the
14th of February. Yet, when it comes to real real experience, society
starts laying obstacles social conventions and restrictions. as well as
traditions about marriage. Some deem love as standing in contrast with
moral and religious values and social norms, a taboo that should not come to light. They
have this preconception that love cannot be the basis of a successful
marriage, since as the Egyptian proverb says "Love is blind" and
as love has to do with emotions, marriage has to do with reason, which are
two extremes. Therefore, they draw a line separating love and marriage. I
agree that what they call "blind love" cannot be the basis for
establishing any kind of relation that could lead to marriage or even a
real love affair. Moreover I do not believe in the delusion of "Love
at the first site", since superficiality is one of its basic
features. One must not confuse between love and fascination or admiration.
You may like a person for the way he speaks, dresses, for his personal
views, but it does not necessarily mean that you have fallen in love with
him. Usually such confusion results in a fragile relation that people
mistakenly called love, while in fact it is nothing but mere fancy. We
should also bear in mind that easy come, easy go, and the more time you
take to get involved in an affair, the more solid and genuine it will be.

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I do not agree on separating love from marriage as two independent
notions, although I confess that each has its own implications. Love is an
abstract individual relation free from heavy responsibilities, while
marriage puts such relation in its concrete legitimate and social context,
sets rules and regulations and offers rights, in return for duties.
However, I do not admit a crucial difference between the two notions since
love also entails certain commitments and obligations, for it has its own
rules. The only difference lies in the kind of these responsibilities.
During premarital love they take a relatively moral for, which after
marriage they start to exist in their marital form. Thus both cases entail
a sense of responsibility and require a serious commitment.

I think that love and marriage are interrelated, for I deem marriage as
a development stage of the love affair itself. It is love that leads to
marriage and not the other way round. Naturally. marriage is not always
the inevitable end, but I believe that we should not let ourselves slide
into an affair that we know beforehand that it is deemed to failure.
Hence, we should have some control and self restraint on our feeling, so
as to direct them in the right way. However, I do not mean that love
excludes problems and difficulties. In fact they are part and parcel of
any human relation and they represent a challenge through which we could
unveil our true feelings and test their solidity, since it is easy to fall
in love, while it is difficult to protect such precious treasure from
being wasted.

Men and women feel differently about love, according to their different
psychological makeup. Inside every woman there is a lidded stream of
emotions waiting for a man who is courageous and intelligent enough to
unleash her emotions and let them flow.

I have read a very interesting book entitled "On love and
life" by Ibrahim Nafea. The book deals with different issues focusing
on the relation between both sexes. Studies proved that woman in her very
nature is proud of herself so she never takes the first step, instead she
waits till the man makes the first move. However, if she decides to take
the initiative, she will never give him up under any circumstances.
Moreover, her love will tend to last since she will be able to forgive and
tolerate his lapses, because after all he is her own choice.

There is another part that attracts my attention in which the writer
talks about a book called "Ces Femmes Qui Aiment Trop" that
makes an attempt to study woman behaviour while in a state of lov, in
terms of psychological and sociological thesis. The writer states that
women in general are more expressive of their love and profound emotion,
and when a woman truly loves a man, her sacrifices surpass his to a great
extent. Accordingly, she is more keen to maintain and protect their
special relation, and is always looking forward to let her feelings grow,
while still in the bud . Comparing men to women it was found that Eve
represents emotions, while Adam reason, since emotions for him are a means
while for her feeling is an end in itself. The man could remember what
first attracts his attention to the woman he loves, but he cannot remember
when he starts loving her. On the contrary, the woman would never forget
when was the first time love found its way to her heart, and as Jean Jack
Rosseau said "The woman lives to enjoy love, while the man lives to
enjoy life". Hence, love, such lofty relation, exists since
beginning of creation. And, no one on earth is excluded from falling the
trap of love. I described it as a trap because once we fall in it, we are
unable to get out again even if we want to. You unwillingly fall and
unwillingly stay. Thus, love is an integral element to the human nature
and a gift from God to mankind.

Finally I would like to end the discussion with the same words I admire
very much :

"When God gave Adam power he offered Eve a tenderness that can melt
such power. When God gave him muscles, he granted Eve the soft female
intelligence that can tame these muscles. And when God set man on earth to
earn his living, he made her the home, where he seeks refuge, relief and
shelter" On Love and Life, Ibrahim Nafea.