Tuesday, August 28, 2007

True Wife Confessions 204 - request recieved...no response

Confession #2031

One of the reasons I want you to talk or moan or make some kind of noise during sex is because I need reassurance that you are YOU—my husband. I need to be reminded that you are not the man who abused me. Over the past 2 years, I’ve secretly been having flashbacks to the abuse during sex. I’m not quite sure why. The abuse was 20 years ago and I hadn’t had a problem with it at all until fairly recently. I’ve gotten pretty good at reminding myself in that moment that I’m with someone I love and trust. Usually, I can let it go once I recognize what’s going on. I haven’t told you because I already have a stronger libido than you. So I don’t want you shying away from sex even more because you worry that I’m being reminded of him. I want you to talk in part because your voice reminds me that you are you. You are safe. But you just won’t say a word. Why is it so difficult to freaking talk? I don’t want to have to rehash my abuse story yet again. Why can’t you just speak or moan or something simply because I’ve made it clear I want/need it? I’m not asking for a lot. Something as simple as moaning during sex can help keep me in the moment. I don’t understand why you won’t do it.

Confession #2032

I am flabbergasted.I have the most wonderfulhusband.He is everything any woman would want in aman.He actually knows how to run the washingmachine,dryer,vacuum and pretty much anything else inthe house.He is my best friend,lover and mechanic allrolled into one.He drinks a little but I canunderstand that...I am no longer complaining afterchecking out this site....

Confession #2033

People say that love hits you right when you're not looking for it.I shut myself off because I have dealt with enough heartbreak. I've selflessly given myself to love over and over again, and each and every time love has given me the cold shoulder.My relationships have all ended shiteously. I've given up. There are only so many times that you can try only to have yourself fail. To know that there's no one else to pick you up and dust you off. To know that you and you alone did this to yourself. To know that your heart is becoming harder and harder to piece together because it's broken so many times before.There's only so many times that I can allow myself to be hurt. That is why I cannot dive in and be with you. You'll leave in September and I'll be alone and eventually you'll call and tell me that it's over. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being realistic. You will meet so many people when you're gone and I'll be standing here trying not to think about you.I admit that I do care about you. I like you very much. My friends say that it's love, but then again, my friends say a lot of things.I wish that I could throw caution to the wind like I used to and allow myself to be held in your arms and to give into the temptation to kiss those lips.But I can't, anymore. I've been there and I've done that and I know how it turns out. I will not allow myself to be hurt-especially by you.I can't let you become yet another villain in my complex history. I'd rather you be the friend who could've been something more. The friend who knew better than to stay in one place. The friend who truly made something of himself and did something with his life.So, however tempting your offer may be, I cannot accept it.Forget what could've been. Forget that we have a lot in common. Forget that we say the same things at the same time and that we love to argue with each other and playfully call each other names. Forget the time when we spent the day together, just talking and lying in the grass watching the clouds go by. Forget that you admitted that you love me.Those memories won't serve any of us any good.

Confession #2034

I met someone on the internet a couple of months ago and we're now having an affair. It's not that emotional, it's not that involved...but it's intense and it's great. He's not smarter than you, he's not funnier than you....but his body is incredible and he makes me feel like a goddess. I'll end it at some point....but not for now...because he's giving me what you seem to not care about anymore...passion and tenderness...and a good lay.

Confession #2035

When I met u I never wanted to go out with u because I just came out of a harsh divorce. You constantly called me and insisted that we go out. I finally agreed. I had the time of my life dating u. U were my everything. U gave me a reason to smile again. Not a day went by u didn't profess your love to me. Not a day went by without u wanting to spend time with me. I fell so much in love with u. U insisted that i move in with u. I did,then everything changed. I sold my first car i had n bought a new car for u when yours crashed. Just so u would have. I didn't mind traveling through sun or rain to get to work. I gave up my home and family just to be with u. U lost your job and I still stood by you. Paying all the bills, taking care of your daughter while u lied to me telling me you were looking for a job when in truth u were joyriding in the car I bought u with other women.Taking them out and having the time of your life and somehow you could never have time for me or your own daughter. Endless lies you told me when you would disappear night after night for hours with only one excuse"I was with my friends". When you finally got a job, the thoughtless insults started. When you thought you could stand on your own and had no use for me anymore you had the nerve to tell me to leave and its all my fault. Night upon night I would cry because you hurt me so much. I was a fool to trust you. To give up everything I had for you. Now I have nothing. I'm strong and I will survive this even though I still live with the pain. I regret ever meeting you, however it taught me a valuable lesson about love and trust.I hate you so much for hurting me. I'm a good person wit a good heart and you took advantage of that.Every tear that I cried rests upon you and I know one day you will reap what you sow.

Confession #2036

We don't always have the greatest 'go' of things - we definitely have our share of 'fun' arguments...

I don't always like you or myself...

but I love you always. Thank you for the roses and lime soda.

Confession #2037

Today is our 8 year anniversary...sometimes I hate you.

Confession #2038

Thank you for being happy that my mom is here visiting. Thank you for giving us some time to spend together. Thank you for not being resentful of all her little projects. Thank you for liking her.

Confession #2039

I am still a little pissed off at you. A month later and the breakup is still a little bit raw. However, I have come to the place where I can finally say “Thank you.” I wanted you to be “the one.” You weren’t. That is not any more your fault than it is mine. I know we were meant to be, we just weren’t meant to be forever. You were the perfect first boyfriend after my divorce. You helped me to rebuild my shattered ego and I will always be grateful. You left me better than you found me and I hope you feel the same about my impact on you. My memories of our time are bittersweet, but the bitter is fading even after this short time. You are a wonderful man and I will always think of you as one of the best people I have ever known. I hope you find what you are looking for in life. You deserve the best. I hope we can someday be friends…well, we may want to wait another few months to let me (and I imagine you too) finish getting over this part. I hope that someday our paths will cross again and we can embrace each other remembering only the good times. There were a lot of them. Go with God, Sweetheart.

Confession #2040

I found your blog today for a good reason. I feel like I am going crazy and falling into the cracks of a out of control train wreck. I have a difficult time still saying that train wreck is my life. Today I found out the domestic violence case against my soon to be ex-husband is going to be dismissed. It would have been dismissed today, if my victim’s advocate had not been there to get the new DA on the case to continue the trial one more time. The old DA would not dismiss the case, was pressing on, even though I asked for it to be dropped. The new guy, who has never spoken to me, decided he can not prove the case. I agree with the new guy, this fight was a minor one for us. He ran through the house breaking our pictures frames, ripping our family photos, then when I tried to stop him he threw me down, I still continued to go after him for some stupid reason, for the stupid pictures, that matter nothing at all, my six year old boy was chasing us around the whole time. What the fuck is that matter with me. I knew he would not calm down, so I called the police and they arrested him. They were not going to, even though it is a law, but that is good they can be human beings and make autonomous decisions. I was ok, with him just leaving, and I went to let my kids back into our crazy world and let them know the police were only just there to help us and not scary. On my way back with my boy, the cops said sorry, things had changed and could I send the kids back to the neighbors. My husband started telling the cops how big I am, look at her shoulders, she can take care of herself…..this is all according to the policeman, that told me to bring the kids back to my neighbors because he was going to arrest him, changed his mind, what kind of pussy says that, is what the police man told me he unofficially thought (kind of strange in itself that he felt telling me that was appropriate, but I did appreciate it at the time)…..so that was the first, in about three times, that the police have been called to our house and they actually took him away. I am 5’7” and 155 lbs. He is 6’4”, 210 lbs. I have been drawn into his game before though, it is has been way worse than the particular day he was arrested. It was tough, that day, but there were worse, choking, shoving to the ground, while holding my children, our children, spitting on me, throwing 2 x4s, hammers, televisions, kicking, throwing rocks, leaving me stranded places with no money, no phone, and no sing of him, calling me a cunt, thinking nothing of doing this in front of my mother, letting us down time and time again, saying I love you, my wife, my heart, my soul, I would do anything for you (and I figured out to me too)…you bitch. Where was my backbone for the last nine years (to be fair, it began 8 years ago, when we moved in together and had a planned pregnancy with our son). I am strong, beautiful, intelligent, caring, how the hell did I get wrapped up in acting like that, fighting back, allowing the fighting to go on, and on, and on. Now, I filed for divorce, I love him, I am so weak, I love him for the good person he is outside of this sickness. Though I can not explain even half of the awfulness, the mean spirited, disrespectful behavior, I grieve for my marriage and sometimes even wish I was still with him and things were different, even though I am scared of him and his unpredictability, if my kids were not around, I would be with him. Am I too damaged to see why I would still feel this love, I think I know myself, am self confident, am beautiful, sexy, loving, a good mother. Geez, the weight of things is sometimes so hard to take. I am tired and wait for each moment I fall upon that is something that makes things lighter. I feal cheated and stupid and furious and even stupider (and I know that is not a word). I have until Thursday now to be under the protection of the law and to make the decisions I need to make to most benefit my family. I pray that I make the right ones.

27 comments:

Anonymous
said...

#2040- sorry, you are not being a good mother by letting your poor little children witness all of the abuse. WHY WHY WHY do women insist on having kids with losers and abusers, thinking that everything will magically change after? C'mon, people- grow up and take some responsibility for yourselves and most of all for your kids. Sorry you had fucked up childhoods, sorry you have low self esteem, sorry you have had your heart broken, but FUCKING GROW UP and be an adult if you decide to bring kids into this world. You OWE them a good childhood, whether you had one or not.

My comment for Confession #2040:I've personally never experienced a man abusing me physically, but one thing is for sure. Your children DO NOT have to see that.

Your son can easily do this to his girlfriend or wife, or maybe even you b/c this is what he saw daddy do to mommy, so he might think it's normal. AND IT'S NOT!

YOU CAN MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN!!!!! YOU DO NOT NEED THIS MAN, HE IS THE ONE THAT NEEDS YOU B/C HE OBVIOUSLY IS SOME ONE WHO IS WEAK, AND HAS A LOW SELF-ESTEEM, NOT YOU!

The way for him to feel like a "man" is by hitting you.

HE NEEDS YOU, NOT VICE VERSA. But now, just b/c I say that doesn't mean that you have to stay with him. You need to GET OUT! And you need to get out now! If not, one day, your children will remember you lying on the floor.....dead.

2040 - I have no idea the pain you've gone through in your life, but regardless NO ONE, including YOU, should be treated that way. Follow through with your divorce and insist on supervised visitation (if any visitation at all) for your thankfully soon-to-be ex. Do this out of the immense love you have for your children.

Do not date until they are grown and moved out of the house. Break the cycle. Give them the happy childhood you want to give them because this is what will greatly determine if they are happy adults and the decisions they make in life. Do this for YOU. Do this for your children.

I'm pretty sure that 2040 knows this is a bad situation for her children to be in. I can't see how attacking her further is remotely helpful.

#2040 Read back over what you wrote, please. Just read it. He doesn't love you, nor does he deserve you. You already did the hardest part - you left. You got out! Now you have to refuse to go back. Please remember that you are better than this, you deserve better than abuse punctuated with false I love yous that serve only to keep you hostage. Be strong. You know what you need to do.

Oh my goodness, I can't even imagine the mental stress you are under at this time. I will pray for you. I'll pray that you put God first in your decision making and you listen when He(God) tells you what to do and when to do it. I pray that your children will not be affected by this. I pray that you will be able to see pass this situation and use it for leverage not a crutch to remain in the same spot. One can always say what one will do when you aren't the person walking that walk. But when you are the taking that walk of "how the hell did I end up here", its time to re-evaluate a lot of things. Please get help for yourself and your children. They'll need it to work out emotional problems or just dealing with life period. Stay safe. Love God, love yourself, love your children. Be Blessed

#2031: Amen, sistah, I could have written this! It's gently and eloquently worded, can you print it out and show it to him? Or maybe take a verbal lead yourself, so that he answers? Or give him a Scooby Snack whenever he pipes up? I know how frustrating it is when they ignore wee but important requests. Personally, I had to hammer on a few repeatedly before my husband could become (mostly) mindful of what I needed. Hang in there!

2040 - everyone feels for you. You have already shown how brave you are by telling your story and writing a confession. And now you have behind you the support and strength of thousands of women. Use it...And send us an update

2040: I know how you feel. My boyfriend is like that. But he is an alcoholic. When he's drinking, he talks to me like I am a dog and treats me like I am shit. But that's only about 10% of the time. 80% of the time he's his usual self - humdrum but happy, not very passionate or loving. But then there's that FUCKING WONDERFUL 10% of the time when he is the person I thought he was when we first met - he is SO GODDAMN LOVING and nice and thoughtful and he tells me how much he loves me and please never leave him. Just when I've reached the breaking point, when I've got one foot out the door...that fucking wonderful side of him shows up. It's just so hard for me to leave him. He's my first and only....he's my habit...I'm comfortable with him, even when he's a drunken asshole...I don't feel like I have a life outside of him. Anyway, that's how I feel. I guess some people just get REALLY REALLY emotionally attached to their "other" and it's like cutting off a body part to separate yourself from them. Anyway, love is so hard and shitty...and wonderful....and very shitty.

4:12-the nice part shows up when you have your foot out the door to reel you back in. Its manipulation at its best. He knows he's losing you and will do whatever it takes to hold on to you, and when he feels secure, will go back to the same ole shit. walking the same walk myself right now...when you love someone, its hard to stop hoping for the best. one day it has to be done though. #2040- i know what you mean too, the only thing that makes me know i have to leave is that my children deserve better...if it was only me...i dont know. Good luck to you...you already know the right answer.

I think that it's because I know, I've always known, that he's "the one", and he knows it too. If he would just get his shit together everything could be like it's supposed to be. He's the man I am meant to be with, I know that, so if I leave....there's only 1 "one" right? It's like that old Temptations song "I could never never love another after loving you."

2040 - I know what you're going through. I'm halfway out the door on a similar situation, though I have no children. Yet I can't get myself to take that final step. He's not violent often at all and I keep seeing the sweet side of him. The side I'm so in love with. The logical girl in me says the same thing the others do, you should leave him, you deserve more. The other girl in me wishes she should make it as easy as it sounds. I wish the very best for you.

4:12 Yes there is such a thing as "the one", however "the one" should not treat you like that, EVER. No relationship is perfect but what you describe saddens me. Life isn't a fairy tale but it certainly is better than that. You need to love and respect yourself and have a life of your own outside of any man. You are doing what I did, putting your self into a box, refusing to stand for who you are, suffering for no other reason than this has to be "the one" and if I lose this I'm nothing. You are a person with out him and someone else is out there ready to love you with out all the garbage. But first you need to learn to stand alone and love yourself.

2040 here, I guess since I am signed into my blog I am no longer anonymous, which I really did not care about anyway. I am sticking with my decision. This particular blog just gave me the opportunity to open up and voice something I was not able to in person, that I still love him and no after saying it, it is all seems just human that it be that way. I think it would be strange if it was any other way. I mean I was married to him, I did marry him, have kids with him, share a life that was more than the abuse. I am still leaving that life though and am hopeful as well as sad.

To 4.12: There is someone who is all the way the one out there for you. Someone who is present and wonderful to you 100% of the time. I have faith in it still, you should too. You can and you will love another because eventually, sooner hopefully rather than later you will decide you are worth more or he will decide it for you. You will love more and be full.

Thank you everyone to your support, I liked this site because it makes me feel less alone (even though I am well aware more awful things happen to others that have happened to me for sure).

10.47: I am grown up. I am a good mother and my kids are just as wonderful as any one else's. I make mistakes like every other human being on this earth, but I try very hard to not be judgmental. I am glad nothing like this has ever been in your life. I also hope that you are more forgiving of yourself than you are of other so that at the end of your life the weight on your shoulders is not too heavy.

Onehungman should start the husband site so we can see what the men have to say about us uncensored.

So I think we can all safely say that anyone who says they're marriage is perfect is lying through their teeth! I'm with a great guy now but my problem is I still think about my ex during sex. So, I talked to some friends and they recommended Jack Rabbit Vibrators. I bought one from HealthyAndActive.com and it's awesome! They even shipped it to my apartment in a plain box. I'm definitely smiling now, and my husband is none the wiser!

2040, you sound like a very courageous woman and I wish all the best for you in your new life. Move on and take care of your children. There are billions of men in this world, you never have to settle for less than you deserve. And we all deserve to be treated with Respect.