The Definition of Vegemite

January 20, 2015

Vegemite is an organic colloidal gel the main component of which is a eukaryotic micro-organism from the kingdom Fungi. Within certain regions of the South Pacific, Vegemite consumption is considered a ritualistic practice. Traditional Vegemite ceremonies are conducted beside a "billabong" and within the shadow of a peculiar Eucalyptus tree that ancient religious texts refer to as a "coolabah". Requisite in the Vegemite ceremony is the boiling of a "billi" containing "bush tucker" while participants dance about in waltz-like fashion and gesticulate wildly to entreat their deity, "Matilda", to appear and participate.

Modern science has shown that regular consumption of Vegemite causes several, irreversible side effects. Most widespread of these is a deterioration of the speech centers of the brain. The result is a degenerative inability to pronounce words correctly. Common manifestations of this are the use of "avago" instead of "have a go", "maccas" instead of "McDonald's", "sanger" instead of "sandwich", and "doovalacky" or "thingo" to describe nearly every object.

There are auditory complications as well. Prolonged use of Vegemite will so distort the perception of sound as to make the playing of an ancient wind instrument, the didgeridoo, sound melodic.

Aberrations of the left inner ear eventually appear and balance is affected accordingly. Over time, Vegemite eaters develop a strange sideways gait that makes them slouch to the left as they walk. They will often veer left out of their intended path and continue off course until they are brought to a halt by colliding with some object. The result is readily observed as many Vegemite eaters wear hats bent upward on the left by such collisions.