NHL Begins Defrosting Stanley Cup

hockey

TAMPA, FL—In an effort to limit the number of opposing Chicago Blackhawks fans attending Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals, officials from the Tampa Bay Lightning announced Friday that Amalie Arena will be restricting admission exclusively to patrons who weigh 300 pounds or less.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

JACKSON, MI—Navigating through a barrage of new windows and dialog boxes as he attempted to watch a game between the Detroit Red Wings and Chicago Blackhawks, sources confirmed Wednesday evening that local man Matt Spriggs successfully fought off po...

LOS ANGELES—In keeping with the traditional friendly wager that typically accompanies the Stanley Cup Finals, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti announced Wednesday that he has pledged to eat an entire sackful of New York City garbage if the Kings lose...

NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters Wednesday ahead of the Stanley Cup Finals, New York Rangers head coach Alain Vigneault confirmed that veteran goaltender Henrik Lundqvist will need to really step up on offense if the team is to beat the Kings and secu...

NEW YORK—Claiming that there is ostensibly no rhyme or reason to the sport's frequent in-game substitutions, players from across the NHL admitted Wednesday that they have absolutely no idea how line changes work.

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Special Coverage

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Repeatedly referring to himself as “on fire” and “in the zone” on that particular day, local office worker Kenneth Michelson was reportedly still talking this week about an incredibly productive afternoon he had nearly four months ago.