Sunday, May 13, 2007

neverending, cont.

I kept the last post up for a week because I can't get away from the thought process. Something else that love is, and I'm not good at, is honest. It isn't afraid to get angry, to demand, to tell the other person true feelings, fears and things that may not be the most comfortable. It is rooted in trust, and the to the degree we trust, we truly love.

I guess I realized this when I got angry at my son for something he wrote, got angry at another dear friend for something HE wrote, was grieving over another situation and something else another close friend wrote. When I think of love, I think of warm fuzzies. But my son joked in a letter, he would have sent a Mother's Day card, but all the commissary had were cards that said "Sorry For Your Loss". At first blush it was a joke. But something inside stung, hurt and then made me furious. I understand why my son did it, and it was funny at a certain level. But I cannot hide the pain I feel at our separation, and I've been especially feeling it these past weeks again. A friend wrote a blog that deeply convicted me on a level I did not want exposed. He didn't aim it at me, but it hit the mark and stuck. I guess a stranger may have done the same, but a friend hits alot closer to home every time. A situation I'm dealing with regarding another individual is causing me great pain, not because I don't care, but because I care so much. Circumstances have dictated that this will be something only enjoyed at a distance and admittedly I want more. I feel useless and frustrated, angry at my inability to control the pain, wanting to be mature and understanding, but not there yet.

Why do we spend so much time over something that can potentially cause so much pain? To love is to invite pain, period. Pain is the sign of a healthy body and a functioning immune system. The contrast of pain to well-being signals the body's need for care. I have to remember that. I'm a healthy individual if I experience pain. And in time, and in healing, love finds it's true path.