Let’s start at the beginning in 2006/2007. I was maybe 14 or 15 years old when I met my twin flame.

I was with my best friend. We had just got off the bus in Town. We walked towards the center of the town. There he was with one of his friends across the road; it was love at first sight!

We somehow ended up sitting on a bench and had a brief conversation. He asked me how old I was, at the time he was either 19 or 20 years old. He said, “come and find me when you’re 18”.

I remember after we used to talk on ‘MSN’ and occasionally text, ‘Hi5’ was the Facebook back then, so we were friends on that too. Sometimes he’d disappear off social media and then suddenly pop up again.

We used to always check in with each other to see how one another was doing. I always felt that he respected me and thought highly of me, I felt the same about him too.

I got into a relationship in December 2010 which lasted up until summer 2016.

In the summer of 2016, I was trying to end my nearly 6-year toxic relationship.

At this time, my twin was incarcerated. He was off social media for at least over a year; I knew he was still with his girlfriend. I remember I had finished work at 4 pm and arrived back at my ex’s mums house (where I was staying at the time). My TF adds me as a friend on ‘Instagram’ and sends me a message. We have a brief conversation, and he asks me if I am still with my ex. I tell him the situation how it is over.

Straight after me telling him this, he sends me his number and says, “call me.” At this point, I’m so nervous yet happy and scared all at the same time. So, I call, he doesn’t answer, he calls me back, but he video calls me! I panic, but I answer in the end but the connection is poor so It doesn’t connect, he then calls me back normally. He says he is on a bus to Brighton and we talk for a while.

After that phone call in summer 2016, we continued talking every day on ‘WhatsApp.’ Sometimes he would call me in the evenings. We realized we had so much in common! At this point, I’m 24, and he’s 29. He was allowed out of prison a few times and would stay for a weekend at his parents. He told me him, and his girlfriend was having issues. One weekend he was out of prison. He was letting me know what he was doing, so I had a feeling he wanted to see me. In the evening, he messaged me asking what I was doing around 9 pm and if I wanted to go somewhere for dessert? I immediately accepted.

So, I drove somewhere and met him and got in his car. He drove to London, and we just had the best time. He told me his girlfriend knew he was out of prison, but he isn’t talking to her. I felt the connection grow even stronger after this night.

We continued talking on ‘WhatsApp’ after this night. Then slowly we stopped talking. I’d seen that he had reconciled with his girlfriend, putting up pictures on ‘Instagram’ of them together. I’d never felt any bitterness towards him; I always wanted him to be happy. I knew they were back together, but I couldn’t say anything, it wasn’t my place to. He would never message me, I’d always message him first to see how he was doing, but it was always small talk so. Eventually, I stopped.

He was released from prison before Valentine’s day 2017 and ugh yes more photos on ‘Instagram’ of him and his girlfriend. Their relationship always looked so rosy from the outside looking in.

In August 2017, we somehow started talking on ‘WhatsApp’ again. We did the usual small talk, and I ask how are things, and he tells me he is getting engaged in October! I congratulate him, and he tells me how he is going to propose and when. After the conversation, I felt as though this is my chance to tell him how I feel about him and if he did end up getting married I would regret it thinking of what could have been.

Within a week later, I tell him I want to meet up, and he agrees. We meet at a KFC car park at 11 pm on a school night. So, I pulled up and so did he, I got in his car, and he asks what I want to talk about. I didn’t tell him I loved him; I just said we have always had a strong connection. He began to say that his mind is made up and he is getting engaged and disregarded everything I said. He said that if we were supposed to cross paths, we would have done (which we have). He said that when he thinks of me, he always places me above other females. We got out of the car and talked some more. We hugged what I can only describe and an emotional hug, and we said our goodbyes.

Throughout this night, the way he looked at me was like he was in love with me! He never said that he loves his girlfriend, and he wants to be with her, he was just kept saying “I’ve made up my mind.” After this night, he did exactly what he said he was going to do, he proposed and they got engaged. And then again, more pictures on social media, so I then decided to unfriend him as I knew we weren’t going to talk again.

After this, we didn’t speak, but on 2nd January 2018 I wake up and see a message from him saying “Happy New Year.” I’m shocked, but I talk to him as normal. We started talking again in the coming weeks, and he tells me he doesn’t feel content with anything right now. He doesn’t say it’s about his girlfriend, but it was evident to me that he was talking about her. He says they aren’t talking and not sure if they are right for each other. He asks to meet up, and we go for a drive in Central London at night.

I felt the strong connection with him again; he talks about what we should do next time as to where we should go next etc. I tell him I feel uncomfortable because he’s engaged and if I were engaged I wouldn’t want my fiancé to be hanging around another female like this, even though we weren’t doing anything wrong. He begins to tell me that no one knows this except his family, but he and his fiancé are no longer engaged, he broke it off. He says to me that he didn’t invite me out to make a move on me, primarily because of the conversation we had last year in August. But he felt like I was out of the situation and thought it would be nice to hang out with me. He said the day after the engagement he knew he didn’t want to be engaged. He felt as though he jumped straight back into his old life after he came out of prison and thought getting engaged was the right thing to do and was making everyone else happy.

So, after the drive to London, we went back to my area, and we sat in the car for over 2 hours just talking. At the end of the night and days after, I was confused thinking he doesn’t think I’m crazy even after I told him how I truly felt! I felt hope; maybe he did feel the same after all.After this night, we continued talking on ‘WhatsApp’ but then again, he got back with his fiancé, and the conversations slowly died. I did message him and asked, “are you engaged again?” and he replied, “’yes I feel different from when I spoke to you.” After this, I changed my number and lost hope again.

Now in April 2018, I didn’t have him as a friend on Instagram, but I decided to add him, I felt as though something was up. As soon as I added him, he accepted straight away. There were no pictures of him and his girlfriend. I was hesitant at first, but we started messaging on Instagram, and then he gave me his number eventually, and we started talking on ‘WhatsApp’ again. At this point, I assume he’s still with his fiancé. He hints about his ‘single life’ and tells me he is no longer with her. One day he invites me out to a club with him and his friends! I initially said no, but my sisters persuaded me.

They picked me up in a cab from my house, and they were all already drunk. We had the best night (we kissed) for the first time, he put his chain around my neck, and he complimented me all night. After this night, I was filled with joy; he was the person I wanted to be with, the one I was supposed to be with. I’d see 11:11 all the time and number 7. I’d turn on the radio in my car (I never listen to the radio) and a song would come on relating to us. Everyone knew I was happy about a guy, even at work. I have a resting bitch face, but I was in a good mood for weeks and smiling from ear to ear.

So that night was a Friday in May 2018, and the following Monday was a bank holiday, and he asked if I wanted to go to Hyde Park with around ’20 of his friends’. I accepted, and I got the train to London as I went straight after work and he had left earlier. When I got there, there weren’t 20 of his friends; it was maybe about 8 in total. I was apprehensive as I was walking because I recognized some of them to be his best friends, his close circle. (who I’d never met but seen in pictures).

His friends were nice, made me feel welcome and they all liked me too. He left early with a few of his guy friends, and he left me with some of his girlfriends. They asked me about me and my TF and said when I first came they thought I was his new girlfriend. They said that my TF has only ever brought two girls around them (his ex-fiancé and his ex before that), they also said we make a nice couple. I felt like he was testing me, to see if I would get on with his close friends. I passed the test. My TF’s best friend invited me to a BBQ the following weekend. All week up until the BBQ our connection grew even stronger, I couldn’t wait to see him. He used to send me songs all the time; I felt as though the songs were his way of expressing how he was feeling, as he’d previously told me he’s not good at expressing feelings.

So, on Saturday I go to the BBQ, and he’s already there. He stays by my side the whole night, but he doesn’t drink alcohol, because he wanted to ‘compose himself.’ After the BBQ, I didn’t want to drive home as I had been drinking, so I ask him if he will take me home. In the car, I can’t remember how, but we started talking about us, and he tells me “obviously, I like you” but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me as he’s just got out of an engagement and the last thing he wants to do is jump into something else. I understood that, but I feel like he shouldn’t have wanted to meet me and do all these things if he wasn’t ready.

When I got home, I was shocked; I felt as though he had led me on. It didn’t make any sense. Finally, he confirmed that he liked me, but he’d bought me around his best friends; he kissed me.

Maybe around a week after the BBQ I invited him to my nieces 2nd birthday party as my sister’s boyfriend is friends with my TF too! He seemed excited, some of his other friends were invited too so I’d thought he would come. So, he didn’t turn up, and I told one of his friends that I had invited him, he tried to call him, but he didn’t answer. So, did I, but still no answer.

After this he’d gone cold turkey, wasn’t messaging me and when I did message him, he said he’s keeping to himself right now and dealing with family stuff. So, I respected that and left him alone.

About a week later I saw that he added his ex as a friend on ‘Instagram,’ so I knew they were back together. One of his friends confirmed that they are back together. I had to say something at this point I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I message him, and he made me feel delusional like nothing had happened between us. He says, “I haven’t even spoken to you.” It felt like a dream like the whole thing was in my head. After this conversation, I tell him we aren’t speaking anymore.