Bogan baby name predictions for 2018

JUST when we think we've heard them all, a fresh batch of bogan names descends upon us and blows our minds.

1. AAYDEN

The "-aden" trend - with all its butchered spellings - just won't die. I naively thought it had reached its pinnacle with the likes of Braedon, Jaydyn and Zaiden in the past couple of years, but new entries keep flooding in. Aayden is ze worst, followed closely by Kaydn. Blergh.

2. KAOS

Gloomy names (think Blayze, Danger and Rogue) will keep going strong in 2018, and the uber-bogans will combine it with my least favourite trend of all: incorrect spelling. Kase in point: Kaos. A rash is spreading over my body as I write this.

3. HARLEN

Is this a softer version of Harley? A more manly Harper? No, wait, I know! The parents who made this name up out of thin air did so by holding up cue cards with random syllables written on them. Jay + Ter? Hmmm, no. Ky + Don? Let's put it on the "maybe" list. Har + Len? We have a winner!

4. HUNTAH

While there have been some corker misspellings of boys' names in the past few years (Jakxsen anyone?), girls have been the victims of the most heinous crimes against the rules of the English language (poor Feebi and Rybekkah). Well, those days are ovah - I predict an onslaught of male spelling massacres this year, including Huntah and Ollyver.

5. KYSON

Hey, Kyson's parents should meet Harlen's parents for a good ole game of invent-a-name charades! Kyson sounds like an even more boganic version of Tyson (as in Mike Tyson?!), which is unacceptable unless you're that uber-hot Tyson Beckford male model dude. I shall let it slide in his case.

6. LIJAH

New trend alert! It's not every day that I have a shiny new bogan name craze to announce, so I'm pretty darn excited. Here it is: when you want to be original, DROP a letter from a regular name. Elijah becomes Lijah, Declan becomes Eclan, Oliver becomes Liver… ew, maybe not. But aside from that last one, the possibilities are endless!

7. REKEN

I reken this boy's parents skipped school a lot and that many English classes slipped through their fingers never to be recaptured. Or maybe they don't reckon anything at all and they were actually trying to spell Wrecking like a wrecking ball. Some mysteries will never be solved.

8. SLASH

Since Axl and Axel have been appropriated by celebrities and hipsters, the bogan set has decided to one-up them with Slash. It's fine for a rock star, but much too violent for an everyday boy.

9. XEKE

Bogan names beginning in X, Y and Z will continue to gain strength in 2018, with visually disturbing inventions such as Xeke, Xitrum and Ziam making an unwelcome entrance. I actually can't cope with this category at all.

10. ZEALAND

Zay what? I know "Z" names have been all the rage in recent years, but this feels like scraping the bottom of the barrel in a desperate attempt to be original. It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, it sounds nudie rudie without the "New" in front, and Zeal is a crappy nickname. It's a resounding NO for me.

11. ASTORIA

As in the Waldorf Astoria? I'll give these bogues points for knowing the name of this high-class New York City hotel, but… oh wait, Maid in Manhattan was filmed there? Yes, well, that explains everything.

12. BEXLEIGH

As if the place name Bexley wasn't icky enough (it's a borough in London and a suburb in Ohio), this "youneek" spelling brings it to a whole new level of bogan-chic. It might also be a mash-up of the nickname for Rebecca and Leigh? Who the heck knows, but I predict the equally tasteless Wrenleigh will also rise up the ranks.

13. EVERDEEN

It seems Katniss from The Hunger Games is yesterday's news - like, how would name their kid after a character in a movie that's five years old?! Pfft. But before you get all judgey, you should know that Everdeen's parents didn't choose it because it was Katniss's last name - oh, no, no, no. They read it somewhere a few years ago - they can't remember where exactly, but it was a very serious publication, OKAY - and they just loved the feels it gave them *cough I'm a bitch*

14. HAYDEE

Look, Haydee's Mom and Dad. We already have Heidi, Hayden, Hayley and Holly… couldn't you have just picked one of those rather than invent a brand-new name that your child will have to spell and explain every single day of their existence and that every person who ever meets them will be very confused about? Sigh. It would've saved everyone a lot of trouble.

15. JEWELZ

Every so often, a name makes me snicker-snort just like this little beaut. The worst part is that several so-called "baby name websites" have it as a dubious entry on their lists. Come on, people - let's not give credibility to these atrocities by acknowledging them as human names.

16. TIA-CLAIR

No offence to Tia-Clair Toomey, the winner of the 2017 CrossFit Games - gurl, I think you're a kick-ass ninja warrior. But I do believe that hyphenated names that are misspelt and made up will be all the rage in 2018, because two bogan names are better than one.

17. VANITY

Virtue names such as Faith and Hope have long been popular, but naming your child after one of the seven deadly sins seems like a poor choice even to an atheist like me. Vanity means "excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc.; character or quality of being vain; conceit." Yikes.

18. VIENTIANE

Oh, Lordy. This one hits one of my pet hates right on the head - using a random word you heard as a person's name because you think it sounded "cool" or "feminine" or "French". Newsflash: it's the capital of Laos. Sheesh.

19. XIENNA

Cheryldine and Johnno discussing their unborn baby's name: "Sienna is noice, but there are two other Siennas in the trailer park, so let's call her Xienna instead. I hear X's are real popular this year." Now for that paternity test…

20. XYTL

I saved the best for last! XYTL as in Crystal … like the local stripper … or meth … or the champagne that rappers used to drink before they boycotted it… or fake diamonds… but even more bogan because it's been turned into an acronym… bahaha I'm in tears!