It's been years since I've posted here. So much has happened in my life since then. I've had a little success in staying sober. One year, another time 9 months clean, but resorting to pills only for the remainder of 2 years. Long story short, my life partner of 27 years became very ill (hep C) and to deal with all the stress I started drinking again. My partner passed away Sept 7 2013. Life goes on. I somehow managed to find someone else who is very special in my life even. I somehow stopped all the pill abuse, but kicking the alcohol thing just seems almost impossible at the ripe old age of 61. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but way back when I first found out about this site, it led to my first truly sober year of my life since I was old enough to buy alcohol. That was a good year. Thanks for being here, and thanks for taking the time to read this. Hang in there. Bill

Hi Bill and welcome back. I was the same age when I came back to AA, I am 67 now, and like you I had a couple of 'tries' at AA over the years. Once while on contract to a chemical plant I even made a year of a two year contract, then chucked it in, great salary company car the works. They did random testing so I didn't drink, and no amount of money can keep an alcoholic off the drink, we are to dammed irritable without it.

I suspect you know what I and others might say, I finally accepted that those fellows who looked quite happy and at ease in their sobriety, might be telling the truth about those pesky steps they keep going on about. I did what they asked in the book, which I found much easier than it appears on paper, and switched my continually failing will power and strength for a power that kicks boozes ass. The years since have been the best of my life, I choose to attend one or two meetings a week to try and assist others, and live by the simple principles in steps 10 & 11. Please believe that the urge to drink vanishes, as the book says it does not exist for us, I wish you the best in finding what myself and countless others have found.

"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but way back when I first found out about this site, it led to my first truly sober year of my life since I was old enough to buy alcohol. That was a good year.

There are many good years to come Bill. You don't ever have to drink again. Find an alcoholic near you, ignore all the crazy thoughts that are running through your head and let your fingers do the dialing & your feet do the walking!http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources

If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php

I joined the forum today after a Google search for Just the Desire to Stop Drinking led me to a thread that inspired me. There may be no reply to this post but I really felt a connection to the posts from mebill and seeing a kernel of the questioning of ones drinking habit lead to entry to aa. It appears, through repeated attempts and success in finding a 2016 post, that the story is similar to my own. In and out of the program and continuing the problem of truly working the first step. I am 5 months and 1 day back, after a year and a half drinking. I was 18 months sober prior. My conundrum is this: During the year or more I was drinking I was not nearly as drunk as others in my sphere, no hangovers, and 90% of the time 2-3 IPA's on any day. I was though miserable and my marriage was falling apart and I lived almost completely inside my head with very little in the way of friendship. One night I drank a six pack over the evening of dinner at a friend's 20 years sober and at the end of the evening the months of misery culminated in my telling my friend that I wanted to come back to aa and asked if he would be my temporary sponsor. Even coming in I had difficulty in saying that I am an alcoholic, and my friend and sponsor agrees that based on my experience in the period prior to coming back that it is an issue that membership can only be answered with the third tradition that I have a desire to stop drinking. I am in a much better place with my wife and I'm happier, but where do I go with not working completely the first half of the first step and feeling the need to obtain the promises through steps 2-12? I have the desire to stop drinking but believe I could drink again, but also see where I was and where I am now as the difference between misery outside and happiness inside the program. This is an old thread but because it was the last place I was able to find mebill, so I hope for some help here and that mebill is in a better place than that post from 2016.

This is a good and real topic of life and our struggles with acceptance of our disease. Will power as I see it is not exactly functional in our DNA because will power is more like being in sport and working toward a goal because of the fulfillment it will provide. Acceptance of being a drunk could be a lot worse because it could lead us to death earlier even if we get sober..... But actually unless we've totally trashed our bodies getting sober provides us with the opportunity to live a better quality of life than we might of ever expected.

My experience is this: Put yourself first when it comes to the disease of alcoholism, get off the other stuff that is a crutch toward really being sober, and be honest because it is easy to BS ourselves and letting others know we are struggling and or our sponsor will allow for trust to build. The outside world doesn't care if we are a drunk, but they would rather us not become the hindrance(constant problem) and so being true, sober, and just doing it one day at a time is hope. You all mentioned that time in the rooms did yield positive things. So look back at what you don't want to do again and see those in AA from which you want what (kind of sobriety) they have and seize the day. This is a life long process and so mistakes are made and we learn and grow.

Not sure if this brings hope? But for me AA was about the last resort next to prison and the morgue.

Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day. George Allen, Sr.

but where do I go with not working completely the first half of the first step and feeling the need to obtain the promises through steps 2-12?

I am not sure if you had the opportunity to read the stories in the chapter "More About Alcoholism". Couple of stories come to mind. Jim the car sales man and Fred the accountant. Jim just makes a beginning but Fred doesn't think he has a problem. Both get drunk. They talk about the peculiar mental twist we alcoholics have developed because of our warped thinking.

It says Jim failed to enlarge his spiritual life (wouldn't work the reminder of the steps) and runs into the insane thinking. He could have a whiskey mixed with milk on a full stomach. And Fred thought he could just have a couple. The thought, just came for both of them and they both took it and then the cravings kicked in.

The point is, the most important part of our life should be keeping the un-manageability under check. If not, we get shut off from our sane thinking.

Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

I too am back, after a long and painful absence. Wife Ill, Dad Passed, so many Life Problems. But Drinking just multiplied those problems.

Coming back Ashamed and Broken, I discovered the Program was still Open to me. A program about Living with Life's turmoil's. I was told, not to be ashamed about the Slip, just to learn from it. That I am Powerless.

There is a Solution. Pick up the book, go to a lot of Meetings, and find a Sponsor. Today is the Day. Right now is the Hour. All of the Past, has just brought you to Now. The future is on it's way, about to be handled.

I may have something to offer by way of encouragement a little later, but right now I would just like to apologize, if what I believe has happened to you, has in fact happened.

You posted here two days ago, and since new posts go to the top of the active topics list, it appears that your post did not receive moderator approval for that two day period. If this is in fact what happened, we can only ask the moderators here; as was done privately when this happened to someone else recently; to find a solution.

The pledge speaks about the hand of AA being there, it does not say being there two days after a person reaches out. Any heat from the moderators I will take it, they come on here and post other things daily, including the reflection even before the date it is due, why can't these same moderators look at new posts and approve them. It was good that the spam was controlled by instigating the waiting period on new posts, but if new members have to wait two days for a post to appear, I am certain all members here would prefer to see some spam, rather than what appears to be happening now.

"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

Thanks for everyone's words of hope. There are 2 doors and if I open the one with the warm fire glowing and see the spiritual life as my entry I will have made the right choice. Outside of the rooms is cold and I am pleasing people or more likely hiding from people. In saner moments that is so easy to see. Wisdom says that experience should make the decision easier. I remember the loneliness and I remember the emptiness. AA in my past opened up a world of sunlight and I was a different person. I am truly ready to feel the light steps on the path to a better place. Thanks