An Unlikely Novelist

Before sharing a few reflections about my improbable literary journey, let me acknowledge that this is my first-ever blog post. I have refrained from blogging not because it’s time-consuming, not because it eats into writing time, not because I’m reclusive, but because I just don’t have much I want or need to say. Not having much to say is, I’ll admit, a seeming contradiction for someone who has written a novel, but it’s perfectly consistent with the idea that I’m an unlikely novelist.

My dear parents (and they are very dear) taught me to stand in the background when photographed, and to speak only after everyone else had their say. I took those lessons to heart, perhaps too well. At social gatherings, I’m the quiet and curious observer who stands a considerable distance from the party’s epicenter. The only people less chatty than me are the Mayan Indians I work with in the remote jungles of northern Guatemala.

In another era, those latter traits might have been considered “writerly,” but in this age of blogging, Twitter, Facebook fan pages, and LinkedIn—none of which I do—I’m the literary equivalent of an Amish farmer.

When I scribbled the first few pages of STIGMA, I had no idea I was starting to write a novel. Not an inkling. My novel’s improbable birth occurred during a family vacation, when I was jotting down some random musings to fill unused pockets of time. That in itself was unusual for me, because prior to that moment I had never revealed to myself or anyone else any inclination to write anything.

In fairness, I knew I had a dollop of writing talent, a God-given (read “unearned”) ability I had squandered during the first 50 years of my life. It was not a well-developed talent, mind you, just enough to fool college philosophy professors into believing that my hastily rendered term papers reflected an understanding of their course work. I had a knack for quickly stringing together sentences and throwing in an occasional (but often strained) metaphor that allowed smart people like my professors to see depth and nuance where none existed. It was a savant-type skill, and, as I later learned, one that is particularly well suited to writing fiction.

Ultimately, mine was and is a modest gift, nothing so profound that it gives rise to pride or vanity. And throughout the first half century of my life, I used my Lilliputian talent to dispatch the occasional writing tasks as quickly as possible, treating them as unpleasant penances. Ironically, up to that point in my life I had applied my writing skills to avoid the occasion of writing, in a manner similar to how I applied my Catholic faith and teachings to avoid the occasion of sin (though I was far more successful at the former than the latter).

But an odd thing happened when I began scribbling those random reflections—the ones I mentioned before wandering off topic and into my college years and sinful life. As I wrote and rewrote, my doodles slowly morphed into a short story, or what I initially thought was a short story. Bear in mind, I’d never in my life had an inclination to write fiction. This was all very peculiar, and I didn’t know what to make of it.

And as Alice in Wonderland would say, it got even curiouser. For reasons I still cannot fathom, after returning home from vacation I became obsessed with writing. It wasn’t the notion of being a writer that grabbed hold of me. I’m not one who feels that I was born to write, or that the world needs me to write—that should be obvious by now, right?

But write I did, and with the energy and delight of a toddler discovering for the first time how Gerber purees can be splashed and thrown to form all sorts of intriguing designs on nearby walls. My story probably resembled a splatter of mashed peas at that point, but I was blissfully unaware of its structural and narrative problems. I was having fun and that was all that mattered.

My naiveté not only sustained me through the highly suspect early drafts of my ill-defined composition, it prompted me to expand my ambitions. Weeks into my improbable journey, I was reading Robert Ludlum’s The Matarese Circle and I thought, “Hey, I can do this. I can write a thriller novel!” Looking back, this was my Mr. Magoo moment (for those old enough to remember the happily oblivious and near-blind cartoon character who was repeatedly saved by absurdly implausible events). Then and later, lady luck rescued me from my ignorance and nearsightedness. The nit-wittedness that allowed me to so grossly underestimate Mr. Ludlum’s accomplishment also protected me from giving up when a well-informed appraisal of the challenges ahead might have caused me to quit.

My nearsightedness revealed itself in many ways, and, curiously, most of its manifestations proved beneficial to my writing. For example, I discovered I’m the kind of writer who has no idea what’s going to happen next in my story. Even while writing the final chapters of STIGMA, only rarely was I able to see through the creative fog and glimpse into the next scene. Wondering what was going to happen next became an irresistible force that propelled my writing, and wanting to know how the story would end kept me in my seat.

What made my journey a bit unnerving were the nightmares.

Well, I suppose they weren’t nightmares in a literal sense, but they were deeply unsettling. These dreams comprised scenes from my story, but the actions and words were twisted and warped by Dean-Koontz-style effects. Now, let me be clear: my novel STIGMA has no paranormal or supernatural elements. The story portrays real people in the present day world. But several nights each week during the three-year period of my book’s creation, the scene I was writing by day morphed into a kaleidoscopic miasma at night.

I’d often wake from these dreams in the middle of the night, groggy and disquieted, but with a new insight into my story’s characters. Early on, I kept a pad and pencil on my bed stand to capture these ideas, but by the next morning my “epiphanies” invariably turned out to be gibberish. Not once did the dreams yield a coherent clue that I could use consciously in my writing, but as it turned out that wasn’t their purpose.

Clearly, my subconscious used dreams to work out the emotional elements of the story, albeit in a quirky, offbeat manner. The dreams wreaked havoc on my sleep, but they seemed a necessary element of my writing process.

An even more unexpected aspect of my novelistic journey was my transformation from a get-it-done-with-the-least-amount-of-effort sort of writer to an it’s-never-good-enough writer. By all accounts, Raymond Chandler was never satisfied with his manuscripts, and his editor had to rip each one from the writer’s hands to meet publishing deadlines. I became a poor imitation of Chandler and was obsessed with matters of style and expression. I couldn’t leave a sentence until it was just so. After completing a paragraph, I’d immediately rewrite it a dozen times and then tweak it again and again during each of 25 editing passes. I would agonize over an adjective, removing it, putting it back, removing it . . . on and on this would go through countless cycles of editing and polishing. The biblical Abraham probably had less doubt about sacrificing his son Isaac than I had about the placement of a comma.

This, of course, was not a healthy circumstance for a first-time novelist. I had given birth to, and unwittingly nurtured, an internal editor of Herculean muscularity. But happily, I didn’t know any better and welcomed his presence! (this must have annoyed him greatly)

Like many of you with fulltime non-writing jobs or young families to care for, my writing time was constrained. Despite those limitations, I wrote 5-6 hours every workday—that is, almost every waking minute that I was not at work. On weekends, I usually wrote at least 10 hours a day, and often more (it’s nice having grown children).

For all that effort, my daily word production was just 2-700 words. Not two hundred to seven hundred words; the lower end of my daily word count was two (as in, one plus one). Only when I was having an out-of-body writing experience did I reach 700 words in a single day.

Like many novelists, I started each day by editing the previous day’s work, which often meant changing the order of the two words I had produced the prior day. You’d think I’d grow weary of endlessly editing the same stretches of narrative. On the contrary, I was as happy as a pig rolling in . . . my words. I enjoyed every moment of the process. Except the nightmares.

With very few exceptions, I wrote seven days a week. At the end of three long years, when I finally wrote “THE END,” I was completely spent. I was the untrained, unfit marathon runner crawling across the finish line long after everyone else had gone home.

But it was a good feeling. I had written a novel.

Wow, let me say that again, louder . . . I had written a novel! My early scribbles had germinated in my subconscious and become a 500-page thriller with layers of intricate mystery elements and characters I had grown to love. Lest that last statement sound self-congratulatory, I don’t intend it as such. Using a God-given skill for which I can take no credit, I merely wrote down what seeped from my subconscious—and voilà, out came a book.

Well, perhaps I’ll take credit for bringing a mysterious energy to the task.

And putting up with the nightmares.

Mine was a most improbable journey: a baby doctor with no yearning to write, no goal, no writing experience, no writing group to focus his efforts, and a bad habit of inserting too many parenthetical asides into his writing. And contrary to all logic, the elixirs that sustained me during this journey were my wickedly sadistic internal editor, and my boundless naïveté.

Oh, and just in case you’re wondering, the dreams that I’d never had before writing STIGMA vanished as soon as I completed the book. My nights were once again peaceful and dreamless—that is, until a few weeks ago when I started doodling ideas for a new novel.

Uh Oh.

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And so, my question to you is: What event or endeavor in your life has brought about unexpected changes in your attitudes or behavior?

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SPECIAL OFFER! Several gifted authors, including MSW’s own Allison Brennan, contributed their time and talents to the fabulous anthology, ENTANGLED. And it is fabulous! As many of you already know, all royalties earned from the sale of ENTANGLED are being donated to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation, which funds clinical research projects around the world.

A friend of Allison’s has offered to make a matching donation to the Foundation. Starting today and continuing through October 20, all royalties earned from the sale of ENTANGLED will be matched. For the next 7 days, every donation will be doubled, so tell your friends to act now and buy this great anthology.

In addition, Phil Hawley will give a copy of STIGMA to anyone who purchases the anthology during this period. Just send him a message at Philip@philiphawley.com, specify whether you want your copy of STIGMA in Kindle or Nook format, and attach a copy of your purchase receipt for ENTANGLED.

For the price of a cup of coffee ($2.99), your get two great books and the Breast Cancer Research Foundation receives $4.10. I hope you’re tempted by this incredible deal—you should be!

Please support this wonderful cause!

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From Allison: Phil Hawley is an amazing author, and an even more amazing doctor. I read STIGMA in 2007 when it first came out and could not put it down. I remember standing in the airport in Sacramento eager–desperate–to read the final 30 pages, even though my luggage had already come off the conveyor belt. I’ve told people that if Phil was a girl, he’d have been marketed as romantic suspense and his hero and heroine would have gotten to have sex 🙂 … I even know when and where … LOL.

Seriously, STIGMA is one of my favorite books of the decade, and I don’t say that lightly. I am beyond thrilled that he’s “doodling” a new book. I’ll be the first in line to buy a copy. And if you don’t believe me, here’s what others had to say about STIGMA:

Tess Gerritsen: “STIGMA pulses with tension and drama. Philip Hawley has written a top-notch thriller!”John Lescroart: “STIGMA is a blast of a read from start to finish. Phil Hawley is the real deal and the thriller world has an authentic new voice.”Ridley Pearson: “Philip Hawley delivers a rare combination of taut plotting and brilliant writing. Sit back and enjoy. Phil Hawley is for real.”Jonathan Kellerman: “Action-packed . . . rich with authenticity. Philip Hawley tells a great story.”

Here’s the cover copy for STIGMA:

When science surrenders to man’s darkest impulses, who will protect the innocents?

In Los Angeles, a young Mayan boy with a blue-crescent-moon tattoo dies mysteriously. In Central America, a puzzling illness is spreading among Mayan tribal villages.

And soon, E.R. physician Luke McKenna will discover the link between these events and demons from his dark past. The secrets that haunt Luke are about to pull him and the woman he loves into a terrifying house of mirrors where nothing is as it first appears. Time is running out, and only by reawakening the ghost of Luke McKenna’s past can they discover the truth.

His enemies may also discover a truth: When threatened, Luke McKenna is a very dangerous man.

What an amazing story, to have so much natural talent and not thinking much of it until it almost forces a story on you. I’ve heard so much about Stigma and after reading this, I really want to read the book.

I’m one of the authors in Entangled. Huge thanks to you and the generous donor for your support.

Hi Philip and welcome to Murder She Writes! It is fascinating to read about your journey to publication. I can’t wait to read STIGMA… love it when author’s bring their other areas of expertise to their work. Best of luck with the next book.

Congrats on your debut blog post, Philip! Thanks too for sharing your journey as a writer. I can’t wait to get hold of Stigma, especially after hearing about how it came to being.

My journey into writing came about because of 9/11 and the increased immigration checks etc. We moved from the UK to the US and my work permit was tangled up in red tape for months and months. My husband suggested I do what I’d always talked about and write. He even found a writing course for me, through B&N and the Gotham Writer’s Workshop … and off I went! Haven’t stopped since.

Anna, you and I started writing at about the same time. My daughter was battling cancer during that period of her life. It’s not why I started writing (at least, I don’t think so), but having a bad guy to beat up on was a very therapeutic! I enjoyed those scenes immensely 🙂

In Guatemala. I haven’t re-read it in awhile, but there was one scene down there where Luke and Megan had some time alone. In RS you have to be careful not to make them stupid (i.e. knowing they should be on the run, they stop to have sex–I hate that!) But there was a point after Megan escaped from wherever she was held that would have worked perfectly. Hmm, now I’m going to have to re-read the book! LOL.

Great post! Your journey is fascinating, Phil. To answer your question… I think having young ones was what prompted me to write my first story. I needed something that was just for me, and I joke that it helped keep me sane all those sleepless nights, but it’s the truth.

Joining a local writing group was another step toward committing to being a writer. It changed my attitude about writing being a guilty pleasure to it being a serious pursuit.

I’m definitely going to have to check out Stigma. I’ve been told I have a thriller voice (I write romantic suspense), and have been wanting to go on a thriller reading binge to see if it’s something I’d want to pursue.

STIGMA is one of the best thrillers I’ve ever read. You’ll love it, Anne. And you’ll love Luke. 🙂 … I think this should be a movie. It has everything that a big screen production should have, and Luke could so easily be a franchise character. Hmmm . . . now I’m wondering who should play him on the big screen?

Anne Marie, children do give us lots of sleepiness nights, don’t they . . . as well as material for our stories!

Dale and Cynthia, I hope you enjoy STIGMA as much as I am enjoying ENTANGLED.

Avery, it’s interesting, isn’t it — how the subconscious works in our writing. My medical work is all about modifying the natural course of events. As a writer, I had to learn to do the opposite, to submit to those forces. For me, the transition wasn’t easy, especially when going back and forth between the two every day

Oh, what an amazing, fabulous post! Just reading it makes me know I must buy your book. And yay(!!) that you’ve begun work on your next one.

Being four days from deadline on my 105th book, I can so identify with your Abraham/comma comment! Somewhere along the years I lost the quick first draft ability and now with each book, I agonize over every word and suspect that I often change one, then change it again, and again, ultimately ending up with the original choice. If it weren’t for deadlines, I’d still probably be working on book #2.

I hope the process proves a bit easier for you this time around! I also hope you’ll blog again soon.

I’m running late today on my blog stops. I opened this first thing, meant to go download Kindle editions of both, figured out a bump in the road on my WIP, got distracted by errands, have now realized I’ve painted my plot into a corner, and remembered I never finished reading blogs. So…Now I’m off to download STIGMA and ENTANGLED. Since Phillip is nice enough to give his away to folks to help the cause, I can at least buy it! And ENTANGLED was on the list waiting for book budget to reboot. 😉

Wow. That was quite a journey, Phil. Thanx for sharing it. For myself, it was while waiting for our travel orders to go to China to pick up our daughter that I began writing in earnest. Like you, I didn’t have a clue and ended up writing an 800 page monstrosity. Fortuntely, with the held of my crit partners, I was able to pare it down and later sold it as “Promise for Tomorrow”. Amazing how writing can catch you by the throat and not let go until you’ve completed the novel.

Liz, I’m just about to start your story, FEEL THE MAGIC. Having visited your website, I know you have a very personal stake in this cause. I am so touched by your willingness to share your story, your battle. You are a Warrior in the truest and most honorable sense!

One of the great things about Stigma is that it easily appeals to both men and women. (My wife loved it, too.) It not only has action and suspense, it has great characters and relationships, too. It also treats science and questions of medical ethics in a smart and interesting way.

Another quick offer: a free copy of STIGMA in Kindle or Nook format to anyone who makes a contribution of any size to any cancer-related charity today. A nickel, a dollar, any donation of any size. Send me an e-mail with an acknowledgment of your donation and I’ll send along your gift: philip@philiphawley.com

Good heavens, are you my (male) doppleganger? I accidentally started writing at the half century mark as well, and have, on more than one occassion, described my abilities as some sort of weird savant thing. The difference is, you got yours pubbed, which inspires me to work harder to achieve the same thing. Off to order some books…

I cannot wait to add your book to my Kindle. I hope this won’t be your last blog as you did it so very well. It is an amazing thing when your muse keeps on talking to you and the end result is a fabulous story.

The event that changed my life was when my daughter died at the age of 32 from cancer. It certainly makes you change your ideas on what is important and what is not. Now I consider a hug to be the greatest gift to be given. 🙂

Allison and I are chaptermates over at Sacramento Valley Rose. Waving Allison! It’s been great to meet you today, Phil. I hope to see you in the blogging world again. Best of luck with lots of sales.

Paisley, I’m sorry it took me so long to respond. I read your post before going out to see a movie (something I do only 2-3 time a year). The movie I saw was 50/50, and it’s about the journey of a 27-year-old man diagnosed with cancer. I couldn’t help thinking about you and your daughter throughout the movie.

I visited your website. I love stories about the old west (Elmer Kelton and Richard S. Wheeler are two of my favorites). I hope I’m lucky enough to meet you one day. I have a feeling I’d really enjoy meeting you.

Thank you, I hope we can meet as well. I live right above Placerville, CA, which was known as Old Hangtown and Dry Diggin’s during the 1849 gold rush. It is so fun to be able to see the places I put into my stories, especially the day my younger daughter and spent time in a real gold mine tunnel. I truly believe life’s experiences forge us into who we become.

I can’t wait to read this…after my deadline. I started writing when I moved from Boise, ID to Maryland with three little kids. I had a lot of friends in Boise, none in MD so I had to create them. I wrote my first book with Barney and The Tellitubies in the background. I still say writing saved my life…

If Phil’s blog hadn’t already intrigued me enough to read STIGMA, Allison’s suggestion “if Phil was a girl, he’d have been marketed as romantic suspense and his hero and heroine would have gotten to have sex … I even know when and where …” makes me want to read this book to find out when and where too! Phil, Allison may have a suggestion for your second novel…

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Bio:

Allison Brennan

Allison Brennan is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of nearly three dozen romantic thrillers and mysteries, including the Lucy Kincaid series and the Max Revere series. She lives in Northern California with her husband, five children, and assorted pets.