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I had a 4 little Ferguson’s reader ask me a really great question yesterday, after the Drama post went live.

Tonya,
Today’s post made me start thinking about how to instill standards of purity in my daughter.
Obviously, based on Destiny’s ability to identify inappropriate content in a book, you have been able to address some of the issues of purity.
Would you be open to writing a post of what teaching purity looks like in your home, how you address it, etc?
Thanks!

Great question!

I felt prompted to share our stance on teaching Physical Purity earlier this month, in the Train Up A Child post.

“The Bible says, If we train up our children in the way they should go, they will not depart from it when they are older.{Proverbs 22:6}……it means I am Intentional in my parenting. That I am always on the look out for those teachable moments. That I do my part to teach my children the value of hard work, daily duties and prayerful hearts. That I am to speak and pray those blessings over my children just as the Fathers in the Bible spoke blessings over theirs, blessings that came to fruition.”

I don’t think Purity is taught like a school lesson. Although it sure wouldn’t hurt to sit down as a family and discuss what Purity is going to look like at your house.

I think it is LIVED.

I think purity is in our actions, learned by our children watching us as we face the World, situation by situation.

It means we pepper our conversations with it, DAILY, moment by moment.

~When you shut off a movie, because it used bad language, you are teaching purity of the mind.

~When you see kissing on an otherwise clean movie and you say, “UH OH! Nooooo kissing until you are married.” You are teaching purity of the heart and body in a few short sentences.

~ When you see a scantily clad Barbie doll in the toy aisle, you can choose the one in a full ball gown instead, “Honey, this one is dressed more appropriately. We need to save our bodies for our husbands eyes only.” Teaching purity in the moment.

~ When your child wants to talk about “someday” with you, use it as a teachable moment. Tylan said, “Mom, someday I am going to get to go to a friend’s house and stay overnight?” I replied, “Yes, Ty. But first, I want to make sure you are ready for what you might face. Your friends might want you to watch a bad movie, or look at a magazine that is not appropriate, or even try to show you naked girls on his phone. If that happens, I want you to be ready to look away quickly, leave the room and call me for a ride home.” “Oh ok, mom. I don’t ever want to look at that bad stuff. King David did that once……”

Purity planting in a 6-year-old.

On another note, ever since we had that talk with Ty at bedtime, Avery has added to her “Future Husband” prayers, that he would NOT look at his friend’s phone or bad naked pictures of girls.

I was Purity Seed Planting in Ty, and guess what? 4-year-old Avery’s seed took root, too.

You all, THEY ARE LISTENING TO EVERYTHING! Make every single moment count!

Whether we are teaching purity of the mind, “We don’t read books like that….”

Or by listening to only Christian radio or Adventures in Odyssey in the car. We don’t want them to fill their minds with the sexual words of pop music and think its acceptable.

During Family Movie Night:

“We are shutting this movie off now! We never use the Lord’s name in vain. It breaks His heart…..”

Or if it’s a movie you can keep watching together, then use those teachable moments:

“Did you hear that child sass her mom? We NEVER talk to our parents that way, do we!”

Or purity of the heart:

“Dating that many girls only makes your heart full of holes, like Swiss Cheese. It’s best to just be friends until the Lord shows you otherwise.”

Or purity of the body:

“That lady IS so pretty in her dress, but see how low it scoops? When you have a dress like that, we will make sure you wear a pretty lace tank top underneath it to cover up more.”

Once you make it a point to use any and every chance for teachable moments, you will be surprised how often they come!

Limiting your child’s exposure to media and commercials will also help their “Radar” to be strong. The more we expose our kids to the worlds idea of behavior and dress, the more “acceptable” it becomes in their young minds.

Even adults are affected! Case in point:

I watched Grey’s Anatomy Season 1 and 2, and like a frog placed in water slowly heated, won’t jump out, I didn’t even realize how bad things were getting. I loved the show so much, I was willing to overlook some of the inappropriate scenes I was beginning to see on a more regular basis.

Season 3 started and I couldn’t watch it due to a conflict on Thursday nights. When I did tune in, late in the season, I was MORTIFIED at how trashy it had gotten. I haven’t watched since.

How did I miss it? Did the show change, or did I?

Somewhere along the way, the show became less medical drama, and more character drama. My radar was dulled. The clanging bells were muffled, as I slowly became acclimated to the filth being presented there. It took me not watching to “reset” my radar, and I was mortified when I returned to the show.

I now choose not to watch TV in the evenings. My time can be better spent editing, blogging or working around the house. I enjoy the occasional Undercover Boss episode, or the other night, Dale was watching America’s Got Talent after the kiddos were down, and the singer caught my attention from the other room. But, between my disgust in the commercials {which we don’t allow our kids to watch on the rare occasion they watch something other than PBS!} and the lack of anything good on, it’s easier for me to not watch at all. And to teach them the same.

They aren’t even allowed to watch “The Funny Show” {America’s Funniest Home Videos} anymore, due to the sexual jokes and harsh language from the host.

“Planting Purity” starts with us as parents, setting the example; i/e tilling fertile soil. This is followed by seed planting during daily, Teachable Moments. Careful weeding will keep filth out of the garden of your child’s life and mind, and watering with the Word of God daily, will keep harvest plentiful.

In Matthew 7:16, it says you will be known by your fruits. “You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?”

The “fruit” of Destiny’s harvest showed yesterday. I didn’t know if I was doing my job helping to plant the right kinds of seeds, or if I had watered enough with God’s Word.

But in these moments, in these situations that make us infuriated at the World we live in, we see our hard work pay off and a bountiful harvest to be thankful for.

The Bible says, If we train up our children in the way they should go, they will not depart from it when they are older.
{Proverbs 22:6}

So, what does this look like? “Train up a child”

Well, I think it means I am Intentional in my parenting. That I am always on the look out for those teachable moments. That I do my part to teach my children the value of hard work, daily duties and prayerful hearts. That I am to speak and pray those blessings over my children just as the Fathers in the Bible spoke blessings over theirs, blessings that came to fruitition.

One area I have been struggling with lately, is praying for their future spouse. I have diligently been doing this since each child is born, diligently like EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Purity is a big, big deal to me, something I held dear to my heart in my growing up years. Something I knew I wanted for my children. Something I wish Dale would’ve chosen differently on. We represent both sides, saving and not saving. Our kids will have the opportunity to hear of the long term heartache that comes from sex outside of marriage.

My prayers of 9 years have been this:

First, for my child to be a Godly man or Proverbs 31 wife, then for them to save themselves for marriage, by hanging on to their purity for the treasure it is. To save all the pieces of their heart for their ONE true love. To allow the Lord to bring them that person when the time is right, when they are both ready. To choose to court instead of date. To allow the Lord to script them a beautiful love story.

In the past 2 years of Surviving Infidelity, I have learned purity will not save my children from heartache. It won’t. It’s not a guarantee. The reward doesn’t necessarily look like I thought it would. And as I learn more and more about the hold porn has on our men, and our teen and preteen boys, I have lost heart. So instead of praying about it, I was mourning the odds of my children finding pure spouses. If 1 out of 3 teens look and 4 out of 5 men in your church pew look, then its a lost cause. Right?

Then the Lord reminded me of John 14:14 “You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.”

This doesn’t mean He is a genie in a bottle, grant me my 3 wishes! It means that when I pray something I KNOW He backs with scripture, that I need to believe it will happen, and it will.

“I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.”
Mark 11:23

I am asking the Lord to, somewhere out in the world, raise up a little boy, or a little girl, ready to marry my children. Being raised in a home that speaks blessings, and prays diligently for their children’s purity, for my children as their children’s future spouses. A family that is aware of satan lurking on the internet, billboards and scantly clad women/men on tv. I am asking they be raised in a family that is real about this trap of porn, that talks regularly about the importance of pure eyes in the world we live in today.

Tylan is in Kindergarten. He just turned 6, do you know that he prays for his wife already? Did you know that he asks me what he should do if his friends show him pictures that are bad? You may think that is too young, but I am glad. It will be hard wired in him to look away, leave the room, call me for a ride. It doesn’t mean he won’t fall or fail at times, but it means that even from a young age, those thoughts of purity are taking root.

Did you know, that Avery asks me if that Barbie’s outfit is “inapwopiate” in the store toy aisle because she is wearing a skimpy mini skirt and tummy showing halter top? Instead of telling her not to worry about it, we talk about modesty, and covering tummies and breasts. Saving our bodies for our husband. I don’t think she is too young to know the truth about this.

Parents, your children are listening to you, your prayers at bedtime need to MEAN something. Not just thank you for this day, please help Johnny to have good dreams and no bad dreams. Amen.

No, think of it as seed planting, carefully tended each night, until you will watch it sprout and grow. Someday, your child will parrot those same prayers for themselves, then walk it out in their lives.

I have used this for almost 10 years and my copy is falling to pieces, but it covers areas from purity to leadership, kindness to humility, courage & contentment. Each topic includes several days worth of prayers to read out loud and 2 verses to back it. You could read it with your spouse as part of your devotions, or include it in your child’s bedtime routine, so they hear you pray over them, these qualities.

I was engaged to the man of my dreams! Now the wedding I had in my head since my childhood could take place. Well, a budget version of that dream, but my dream wedding, none-the-less! I had always wanted a huge foo-foo Princess wedding dress and a fancy night-time wedding in a church packed full of the people I loved most……

By the time the invites were done, we had invited 800 people. I had chosen 7 special people to stand up with me as bridesmaids and witness our vows and Dale had done the same, choosing 7 groomsmen.

I wanted to involve all 7 of my nanny kids, whom I loved and adored, as well as those who I babysat for for years.

And Dale, coming from a large family, thought it’d be nice to involve his cousins too. In the end, we had 12 flower girls, who would head down our churches 4 side aisles that day, while handing out flowers to start the service. Next would be 2 bell ringers down the Center aisle, followed by the Jr. attendant walking with the 2 more flower girls. I wanted it to be a day to remember, Dale just wanted me to get down the aisle already!

I’d like to tell you May 24th, 2002 dawned bright and sunny, but it didn’t. Well, it was bright and sunny on the inside, but outside? Terrible storms and rain.

My best friend called me in a panic that morning, worried how I was handling the weather, but my cheery “HELLLOO!” took care of any concerns she had.

This was my big day, a few thunder claps weren’t going to ruin anything!

I had never been more thankful that God had restored my parents marriage and that I, once again, had a great relationship with my dad. Because I had not moved out during our “rough patch” as I family, I woke up the morning of my wedding, in the bedroom of my youth. I smiled to myself, giddy for the day to begin, and tried to capture in my mind the regular morning noises of my mom, dad and little brother making breakfast downstairs….for this was the last time that would occur. When I left the church that night, I’d be heading to the home I would share with Dale, the one we still live in today! I was a 20-year-old young woman, ready to spread her wings and fly for the first time!

After all the hub bub of hair and make up, Dale and I met pre-service for what is now called a “First Look.” We wanted to get photos over with ahead of time, but still have a private special moment when we first saw each other. I don’t have the professional photos to capture it, but this is a snapshot from a friend. Dale meet me at the end of the aisle with tears and a smile. Before we parted ways, he grabbed me, pulled me close and whispered a prayer in my ear. I loved that when the big moment came for me to enter the church and walk down the aisle on my Daddy’s arm, the butterflies were gone because I had seen my man. He had prayed with me and calmed my spirit. I was ready!

The wedding was at 7 pm, and it was everything I hoped for. The church was dark, the stage accented only by soft lights and twinkling candles.

Our pastor gave a beautiful wedding charge, and when it was time, Dale and I tearfully read our written vows to each other.

Soft piano praise music played in the background the entire time, thanks to the musical talents of Dale’s friend on the Baby Grand, inviting the Spirit of the Lord there in the church with us that night. And He was there, I could feel Him and He was smiling at us. The angels in Heaven rejoiced as they sat back and watched another “Happily Ever After” of a Love Story written by the Author of Love Himself.

Lest things get too serious on our big day, we tried to end on a fun note, and lighten the mood with the recessional song:

A roarin’, piano-thumping rendition of Little Richard’s “Great Balls of Fire.” It wouldn’t be complete without the part where you zip up and down the piano keys, and Dale’s friend nailed it!

WOO-HOO! He’s finally MINE! 🙂

After an appetizer reception in the church gym-turned Garden, with twinkling lit trees, shrubs, gazebos and winding lit paths, Dale and I took off for our new home as a couple. The day was everything we’d dreamed it would be and so very much more.

To end a perfect day, we sat down on a quilt in the bedroom of our new home, opened the picnic basket my mom had packed for us, and had a carpet picnic; eating all the wedding food and cake we had missed at the reception, as we greeted and hugged our guests for hours. During this picnic, I presented Dale with my box of letters and purity ring. As we ate, we opened them and read them from earliest to most recent.

We laughed at the little-girl scrawl of age 13, starting with “Wuz up?” and ending with an oh-so cool “Ciao”, smiled at the grown-up words of a 17-year-old young lady, had flashbacks of a difficult time during the broken-hearted letter of age 18, full of apologies for giving her heart away to a guy named Dale, and finally, a tearful letter addressed: “My dearest Dale”, full of love and devotion from a 19-year-old woman, engaged to be married to the man of her dreams. It was a beautiful moment, one I will not soon forget.

We were blessed to go on a week-long Honeymoon to Maui the next morning, thanks to the generosity of the amazing family I nannied for. It was Paradise, just like they say!

A lot has changed in 9 years, and we are not without our trials and tribulations, fights and tears. But I can tell you one thing, there is not one time I look back over our Courtship and that particularly difficult time in my life, and not see the Lord’s Fingerprints ALL over it. He guided us when we were lost, He carried us when we were too weary to stand, He lifted us up when we were broken down, and most importantly, He lovingly took us away from each other, to prepare us to one day be together again, this time FOREVER.

When I said “I Do” I meant it, forever and ever, till death do us part.

I leave you with 2 thoughts:

Guys, “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you aren’t worthy.”

And girls remember this, “A girl should be so lost in God, that a guy has to get lost in Him to find her.” You must be content in who you are alone, before you’ll ever be content in who you are with someone else.

Take these quotes to heart, hold out for your very own “The One” and GO get those books by Eric and Leslie Ludy. They are LIFE CHANGING!

Thanks for letting me share our Love Story with you! It’s been a really fun walk down memory lane for Dale & I!

The time line is a bit blurred in my mind, but somewhere along the way, close to the Holiday’s, the Lord asked me to let go of it all. My dreams, my plans, my hopes, all of it. He needed me to let go so He could take over. And when He takes over, AMAZING things occur!

He began to speak to me about Courtship instead of dating. I finally had a name for what He had been asking me to do in High school. He was asking me to be friends with a guy, hanging out with my family and his, until the Lord told me “Yes, this is the man I have for you, Tonya.” Courtship is dating with the intent of marriage. He was asking me to wait to date, UNTIL I found my spouse. Interesting.

Then He brought me “THE BOOK”. The book that forever changed my life and altered my course….

“When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Leslie Ludy.

By the second page in the book words were LEAPING off the page and grabbing my heart…..

“…….You have searched for true love in your own way. But my ways are not your ways. I want to script a beautiful tale just for you, but first you must trust Me with the pen of this precious area of your life. Will you let Me write your love story?”

“God is longing to write your love story. A love story far beyond the most incredible fairy tale ever written. Will you give Him the pen today?”

What a thought! God was longing to compose MY love story, my very own fairy tale? WOW! He cares about all the areas of our lives, even this one, what a thought! He was asking me to hand Him the pen, stop worrying, stop planning….and just sit back and hang on for the ride of my life.

I was so excited about what I was reading, that I bought this book and the next one for 7 of my friends (including Dale). I knew it was going to change their lives! It’s called “When Dreams Come True” and tells the true love story of the couple, Eric and Leslie, who handed over the pen and let God script them a beautiful story.

More of Eric and Leslie’s AMAAAZING books are found here at http://ellerslie.com/Books.html I highly recommend them for pre-teens and teens, and their parents as well!

Some of their popular titles include:

Authentic Beauty

Teaching True Love to A Sex-At-13 Generation

When God Writes Your LIFE Story

God’s Gift to Women

This couple has started an incredible ministry working towards raising youth to be a light to a dark world, to be IN the world but not OF the world. Play around on their website when you get a chance!!!!

Ok, so that was a major bunny trail, but an important one. Back to the story:

After months apart, Dale & I decided to start spending time together again, we missed each other so much! We were determined to just “Be Friends”, but we felt so much more. Not long after this, we decided to take a week, not see each other or talk, but fast and pray, seeking God on our knees as to whether this could be turned into a courtship or not. Once again, the Lord began speaking to me immediately about forgiveness. As in, Dale prayed with me about our week apart and left, and before he had even left the neighborhood, I opened a book and there in front of me lay a 12 Steps To Forgiveness page. No doubt, the Lord was asking me to forgive as He had forgiven me, I knew this by now. He spoke to Dale too that week, about making things right with his past relationships. That amazing man called each girl he had been in a relationship with, and asked their forgiveness for not respecting them as he should have. Some were tearful and thankful, some called him crazy.

But as far as our Courtship?

The Lord was silent.

{SIGH} Fine. Friends it is.

That Christmas Eve, during the candlelight service at church, 1 year later almost to the day that my world fell apart, I forgave my dad and walked away from the ugly bitterness I had been carrying. I also that night, forgave Dale for his past, and let it go, to be stewed about no more. Jesus’ blood was strong enough to cover any and every sin, why was I worried it wasn’t strong enough to cover Dale’s indescrestions of the past? What a load off! I tearfully rejoiced, feeling light and free!!! I was SO thankful my relationship with my dad was restored and that I could enjoy my time around Dale without always thinking of the past!

It was the next night, at a Christmas celebration with family and friends that the Lord gave us the green light to pursue a courtship, dating with the intent of marriage, and we were thrilled! He had been waiting for my forgiveness of the 2 men in my life all along!

Family and friends had been teasing us that we basically were like a couple anyways, and it was obvious we loved each other, why didn’t we make it official already? We were hesitant to “slap a label on it”, but mostly, scared the Lord would take us away from each other again if we acted outside His will.

We were sitting at the piano, shoulder to shoulder, dinking around and talking about our relationship. I told him what my mom had told me just the other day that maybe God was asking us to take a step of faith before He answered us. Hmm, what a thought! Dale thought for a minute then turned to me and says something like, “What if I ask you to be my girl right now?” I hesitated, made and face and was like, “Welllll…”.

“See,” he says,”it’s so scary. I can’t do this alone, tell me what you are thinking in here (points to heart) rather than here (points to head).”

“Well, in my heart I’d say yes in a second, but then all those doubts creep in my mind.” I just couldn’t lose Dale again!

We go on for about 10 more minutes trying to decide what God was asking us. Finally, he turns to me and says…

“So, do you want to be together?”

Me: “More than anything!”

Dale: “Ok then, let’s do this, let’s take the next step.”

Me: “Ok.” Big smile.

Silence.

Dale: “So are we together?”

Me: “I think so.”

Dale: “Do you feel any different?”

Me: “No.”

Dale: “Me neither.”

Me: “Is that a bad thing?”

Dale: “No, I don’t think so.”

Me: “Ok.”

Dale: “Ok.”

{BIG SMILES ALL AROUND}

In that moment, we realized nothing was different, we had been a couple all along, just without the label! I am sure the Lord was happy we were finally “getting it”! Sometimes He speaks in a whisper, other times Neon flashing lights. We heard His whisper that Christmas night, what a beautiful gift! 🙂

Now that the “label” issue was out the way, we fully embraced our Courtship and began to spend time together once again, with me going to his family functions and he coming to mine. My family adored him! How could they not? There was never a dull moment when he was around!!!!

Soon after this, the Lord called Dale to travel with the ministry team“Souled Out” again. This time for 6 months! I was SO sad he was leaving, but knew the Lord needed him. He walked away from his job knowing it may not be waiting for him when he returned. (It wouldn’t be.) What a test this long distance relationship was for us, but through the ups and downs of it, our love just grew stronger, and Dale (who DOESN’T write) filled a journal FULL of love letters to me while he was gone. What a special gift.

Dale came home for a visit the first week in June, around our 6 month anniversary, and we went ring shopping. HOW EXCITING! I had been waiting to do this my whole life. Sadly, Dale told me since he left his job to travel with the ministry team, he had no money, and it’d probably be another year until he could save up for it. I was totally ok with that, floating on my happy love bubble. No worries, for him I could wait!

The very next morning, as we worshiped in church, my Pastor called me up on stage. I was worried what kind of sermon analogy I was going to be! He told me to close my eyes……and when I opened them, there was Dale, on his knee in front of me, with tears in his eyes and a ring in his hand. My heart was pounding, my palms were sweating…..this was IT!

THE MOMENT I had been dreaming of!

Dale looked me in the eyes and spoke, voice thick with emotions:

“Tonya, I could list a million reasons why I love you, but it boils down to this…..God let me love you. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m going to ask you one question…….

WILL YOU MARRY ME?”

I wiped my tears and THREW my arms around him! I had found my Mr. Wonderful, I was going to be his bride, THIS was my happily ever after! All those months of heartache and doubt, all those times of questioning what God was asking me to do…..all of it built up to this life changing, dream making moment. The moment I said YES!

That August, as I turned 19, I sat to write my Future Husband a love letter, as I had since I was 13, but this time I got to write on top….My Dearest Dale. What a tear-filled, joyful letter it was! I tucked it away in my shoebox, knowing that by my next birthday, I’d be a happily married woman!

Dale and I were engaged for a whole year, something our children will NOT be allowed to do. It’s so hard to remain pure, plus it’s just waaaay too long to plan a wedding. It gave OCD me, more than enough time to comb through the details of the big day, organizing and reorganizing each detail!

As the year-long engagement finally came to an end, I could scarcely believe it, May 24th, 2002 was here. I was about to marry my best friend and become Mrs. Tonya Ferguson!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I fell and I fell hard that summer, despite the fact that I was not speaking to the Lord or pleased with my father or men in general at that point.

Dale eventually did get around to asking me on a date, and although he picked me up, payed for it, HE named the time and HE named the place, and thankfully, NEVER used that awful line again! Phew! Funny, I was no where NEAR ready to be in a relationship, yet I willingly, for the first time, jumped into a dating relationship. You know, the “pick you up at 8” and all that. No good night kiss though, I told Dale he’d have to wait on that! lol 🙂

It was summer love! It wasn’t long before we were together nearly every evening, going for drives, walking in the park holding hands, sitting by “our fountain” listening to the water and talking. We talked about EVERYTHING for hours and hours. Oh, if there is anything I miss from dating Dale, it’s the hours of uninterrupted conversation…not much time for that anymore! 🙂

We talked about our goals, our plans, our dreams. We talked about the Lord and faith a lot. Dale admitted to falling away from the Lord and becoming a “Sunday-Wednesday Christian” only. I challenged him to think about his life in light of eternity, he teasingly called me his “Lightening Bolt” from God.

It was a summer to remember!

That August, a little over 2 months after we met, Dale took me out for my 18th birthday, a surprise he said. We arrive at his mother’s restaurant, which closes at 2 each day, to “pick something up”. When I walked in all the tables were pushed aside except one in the center of the dining area, it was lit with candles and had flowers and gifts on it. He had his brother back in the kitchen, making my favorite foods. It was so sweet and romantic! The radio he wanted to use for romantic background music was locked in a back office, but that didn’t stop us from slow dancing anyways. It was amazing! Dale gave me a gorgeous diamond heart necklace and promised me the world.

He also told me he loved me for the first time that night, although I wasn’t ready to say it back until much later in our relationship, he put no pressure on me to return the sentiment. And like the gentleman he was, Dale got teary, hugged me, raised my hand to his lips, kissed it, and told me how thankful he was to have a girl like me in his life.

God was doing amazing things in Dale’s life and he was making some positive changes, but I was starting to feel a nudge from the Lord. Nudges I tried to ignore. You know how that goes, it’s miserable. I knew what He was saying, and I didn’t want to hear it.

He was asking me to break up with Dale. He was asking me to lay him on the altar, and step back so the Lord could do a mighty work in his heart. He was asking me this because neither of us were ready for a relationship.

I told Him, “Yeah, right! I love this guy and finally found someone that would treat me like a lady and not a piece of meat. And helloooo?! Did you catch the part that he respects my purity pledge and is willing to wait for me and everything!?? Nope God, not gonna happen, I wanna marry this one! PLEEEEASE?!”

Still, the Lord prompted and I eventually listened. God was asking me to let Him have Dale, maybe forever, to prepare him for being a husband one day, and whether he was to be mine or not, it needed to happen.

Bawling, I sat down and wrote the hardest letter I had ever written, one I’d have Dale read as we sat together, for what I thought was the last time, as a couple.

I knew what needed to occur, our breaking up and going separate ways. I was so disappointed in myself for listening to my heart and not the Lord. After all those years of trying to save the pieces of my heart for my future husband, I’d given the whole thing away to Dale without consulting the Lord first. I was so thankful we’d never kissed, at least my physical purity was intact.

I wrote in my journal:“I feel like I have let God down. I feel as if I have tried so very hard in this area of my life to obey and stay focused on Him, but now I have messed that up. Now I have to tell my future husband that I not only gave a piece of my heart away to another guy, I gave the whole thing away! I have to tell him that I have loved another before him. Ouch. That will be so hard. He’s out there, I know he is, my knight in shining armor. The one who I have prayed for since I was 13. He’s out there, I know it….just waiting for me.”

I had Dale come over, read his “I have to break up with you because the Lord needs to work on both of us seperately” letter and then we talked, sobbing and hugging. He knew it was true. The Lord needed to make both of our hearts whole alone, before they could be whole together. He needed me to forgive my dad and learn to trust men again. He needed Dale to work on letting go of the past and fully embracing his future in Christ. I placed my feelings for Dale on the shelf and determined to leave them their until the Lord let me take them down again. Until we were both ready this time, IF that was the Lord’s will. And then, he took Dale away from me.

God was doing mighty things in Dale’s heart and he was excited to get the opportunity to travel with a ministry team called “Souled Out” for a few weeks. I was glad to see him go, I didn’t want to run into him anymore, it was too hard.

Dale will tell you now that God broke him over and over on that trip. Like brought him to his knees at the altar. He’ll tell you that each time the Lord broke him, He picked him up, dusted him off and loved on him as only a Father can. He went through the layers of sin and disobedience in Dale’s life, stripped him down and begin a new work in him. And when he came back? He was a new man. The light that can only comes from Jesus was shining through his eyes. I could scarcely believe the transformation!

While Dale was gone, I waged my own emotional war of unforgiveness in both the area of Dale’s past, as well as forgiving my father! I had so much to learn before my heart would be ready to love fully and with 100% trust.

This story is a long and drawn out one, I have the stack of journals and emails to prove it!

We spent months apart, God daily working on my heart in the area of grace and forgiveness. It’s funny to me how my forgiveness of my dad was directly connected to my forgiveness of Dale’s past and my readiness to move forward in both relationships. I was being asked to forgive as Christ forgave me, but I was still feeling too justified in my hurts to do so.