tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56870811262365292702018-03-05T15:50:49.602+00:00Life's Little LettucesONE WOMAN'S CONTINUING JOURNEY, OVERCOMING ADVERSITY AND APPRECIATING THE 'EXTRA' IN ORDINARYMel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.comBlogger160125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-40618230771203685112016-04-06T12:14:00.000+01:002016-04-06T12:44:37.384+01:00Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/--7B1XxX93M0/VwPILWHTpDI/AAAAAAAAAdI/w8-PM-MZgXo9cjt4E34VA_L4dMxHZVNpQ/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-04-05%2Bat%2B16.11.10.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/--7B1XxX93M0/VwPILWHTpDI/AAAAAAAAAdI/w8-PM-MZgXo9cjt4E34VA_L4dMxHZVNpQ/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-04-05%2Bat%2B16.11.10.png" width="113" /></a></div><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">I remember learning from a young age that judgement is a bad thing. That if we call out faults in another person or situation, it's because our own faults are showing themselves through the mirror of that event. More to the point, if I am sitting in judgement, then how can I really have a clear conscience, let alone call myself a caring, empathic person?</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">Still I can vividly recall the hot flush of guilt any time I'd feel something to be wrong. Because it meant I was judging - and that's not right. Right?&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">I remember many evenings my guardian coming home from work. Often we would have had something to laugh about, and would be smiling comfortably together. I'd hear the front door slam, wait for the rattle of keys as he hung up his jacket, and then feel my tummy churning as he slid in to the kitchen - dreading the all too familiar&nbsp;tightened smile and cocky bounce. Because that meant one of us would be in the line of fire - at best humiliated, at worst sent to bed crying. I realise now that I lived with an overwhelming duty to protect, and I'd trained myself to be on guard for the unexpected. I felt it my obligation to rescue the situation, with humour, deflection or what I call 'dancing to please'...</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">It seemed I was the only one who could actually see what he was doing - how he deliberately deflated our fun and put us down, whether with looks, words or actions. Diminishing others was one of his favourites - particularly close relatives. He'd encourage his&nbsp;young children to practice short impressions of them, deliberately designed to embarrass and belittle. I'd see the whole game playing out - us trying be part of the 'fun' while his eyes flashed with enjoyment as his targets squirmed (and still laughed along) as they were ridiculed.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">I felt so bad. So often. Bad because <i>I could see the bad stuff happening</i>. Therefore, surely that must mean <i>I'm</i> bad because I'm seeing my own reflection? Or is it as my guardian said I'm 'uptight' and can't take a joke. Perhaps I should lighten-up. Perhaps I should just join in the sarcasm and barbed humour. But I&nbsp;couldn't. Why? Because I knew. And yet at the same time I was riddled with doubt.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">People regularly told me how lucky I was to have been given such a lovely home after mum died. <i>"Such lovely people, such a lovely family! You really are very lucky Melanie, it could have been so much worse!"</i> They'd come to the house, and smile and chat with my guardian. They seemed blind to the pain that both my sister and I were suffering. They were equally blind to the lies and covert bullying I saw happening in plain sight! Why couldn't they see it happening too?&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">So I began to believe that I must be the one with the problem. That my churning tummy and feelings of discomfort&nbsp;were all because there was something wrong with me. So I pushed down my feelings, ignored the churning, and instead focused more and more on trying to fit in, to please, and to be accepted.</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">I followed this path for an entire lifetime. I bought in to society's broadcasts that say put the other person first. I swallowed the fairytale that if I love someone enough, they will heal. I happily put my faith in the forward-focus of goals and planning... and bit by bit, day by day, I numbed my true-self in to a comatose existence.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><i>Pleasing others, accepting who they are, flexing my behaviours to suit, and pouring more care and attention in to every situation, I was slowly killing myself in the process. And the crazy thing is? I&nbsp;didn't even realise it was happening...</i></span></div><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JZcdVr5_ReM/VwTmes0DKXI/AAAAAAAAAdY/p7TYnQWgDLgNFBtqyM--DEtURKIzVqeYQ/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-04-06%2Bat%2B12.34.42.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JZcdVr5_ReM/VwTmes0DKXI/AAAAAAAAAdY/p7TYnQWgDLgNFBtqyM--DEtURKIzVqeYQ/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-04-06%2Bat%2B12.34.42.png" width="153" /></a><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">Today of course I <i>real-eyes </i>that there was nothing wrong with me - there never was. What I witnessed was the truth.&nbsp;And when I stood up to protect, to fight for what was right, I was the one that was made the black-sheep. It's only in recent times that I understand why. I've finally 'got' the bigger picture. It's all finally clicked in to place.... Let me explain...</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">I was talking with a beautiful lady just this week about this subject of judgement. She, like&nbsp;</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">me, had bought in to the idea that if we notice 'bad' in a situation, it's a reflection of the 'badness' that's in us - which is actually as nonsensical as the whole original sin idea that's pushed at us through many channels. Like many of us before, she'd been accused of being too needy when she'd asked for validation that what she was doing was right. This wasn't in a relationship. This was in the workplace.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">My experiences with sociopaths - personal and through the many targets I've worked with since the publication of my book, have opened my eyes to the fact that this is a perfect cover that allows manipulators to destroy people in front of others, because they just can't see it happening. Speak up they say. Own your feelings. Get real about what's going on for you! Yet if I dare to question something because it's somehow not quite right, or I'm just not getting the answers I'm looking for - then of course I can be pilloried as the one who is at fault. I'm over emotional, and clearly I have more work to do on myself in order to heal these feelings of inadequacy. You know that judgement is such a nasty trait.... so yes, there you go Mel, you've noticed what it is you need to heal! Well done. Now off you go and work harder on yourself, you've a long way to go.</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">Leaving the people around marvelling at the wisdom, while the manipulator rubs his or her hands, and keeps strengthening their skills of hiding in plain sight. The target, of course, is left bewildered and believing once again that they are wrong. Clever eh? Yes. And it's going on every day and in every walk of life.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">This is how it's happening my friends. This is how so many of us, striving to be good people (because that's what we are) end up being whittled away to nothing - while the other good people around us are oblivious, because while they continue buying in to these rules, they're also being numbed down as well.</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">Judgement is absolutely a right thing! It's our inner guidance, our sat nav, our instinct, our core, our soul... it's nudging us to say that something's not right, or could be improved. If we ignore, dim down or lose our sense of judgement, then how on earth are we ever going to know what's right or wrong for us - as&nbsp;individuals, teams, businesses and nations? And, for those of us who know what it's like to be sucked dry by a sociopath, without our judgement in tact, surely we're leaving ourselves open to be duped again?</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">Let me just be clear here - I'm not saying that everyone who talks about judgement as a bad thing is a sociopath. Neither am I saying that the intention behind what they are saying and the advice they are giving is anything other than honest and caring. No.&nbsp;That's not it at all.</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">What I AM saying, is that there are numerous 'rules' we buy in to and happily engage in with innocence... and it's these rules that provide shelter and nourishment to manipulators.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">They're subtle. They're clever. So understated that the vast majority of people don't notice what's happening. But I do. I&nbsp;always have done. And many others do as well.</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">My work now is about honouring intuition, recognising feelings, and increasing our own power to detect the truth and make judgements based on that truth. Without fear of guilt, shame or "not being good enough". That's the way we'll all see the manipulation for what it is, without having to go through the years of pain so many of us have suffered - and the minute we see what's happening, it loses power.&nbsp;</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">That's the way we can live in openness, authenticity and love.</span><br /><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: &quot;georgia&quot; , &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif;">It's about learning first to trust in ourselves, and then in others - because then we'll know for sure the difference between truth and lies. I grew up in a&nbsp;world that taught me to do it the wrong way around... I'm here to set the rules straight.&nbsp;</span><br /><br />Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-13742210159415655512016-04-05T07:00:00.000+01:002016-04-05T07:00:25.538+01:00Daring to Look Under the Carpet - Reclaiming my Birth Name<div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3Wj6NvfVtOg/VwLFwZy9rkI/AAAAAAAAAb8/akdno77ja7AuCKrIQEmedbNc8xdTlF4RQ/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-04-04%2Bat%2B21.50.52.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3Wj6NvfVtOg/VwLFwZy9rkI/AAAAAAAAAb8/akdno77ja7AuCKrIQEmedbNc8xdTlF4RQ/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-04-04%2Bat%2B21.50.52.png" width="200" /></a></div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">What springs to mind when you imagine looking under the carpet?&nbsp; I’m not talking about a rug, or a mat, or a runner – I’m talking about a fully fitted carpet that’s been in place for many years. It’s laid silently under foot, furniture and food for all manner of family gatherings – parties, playtimes and celebrations. It’s held babies as they dribble through from crawling to walking. It’s soothed pets rolling, sleeping and scratching. It’s witnessed breakups and makeups and all manner of other life time shakeups. And still it stays.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">So now, can you get a better idea about the dirt, grime and unidentifiable ‘stuff’ that might fester there underneath the carpet pile? Yep, I scrunched my nose up as well – and yet that is where I have metaphorically visited this weekend. I finally found the route to venture under the rich and colourful carpet of my life to find out what was lurking underneath.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">To my surprise I discovered treasure; a truth that had eluded me and had been buried there. It’s a beautiful, big, sparkling bundle of treasure that shines bright with its own powerful and loving energy. And that hoard of huge riches had been swept away and hidden under the carpet. No wonder I’d been tripping over so often!</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">In recent months, I’ve been experiencing resistance and struggle on various levels – from IT equipment suddenly not working to my car blowing up on the way back from dropping a friend at the airport. From ‘in the bag’ work contracts dissolving at the last moment, to uncharacteristic behaviour from people I believed I knew well. Illnesses, missed appointments, losing things… you name it. It’s been getting ridiculous! And it’s not just me – it seems to be happening with other people who are on this journey with me. To the point where there’s no other helpful response than to laugh at the absurdity of it all.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">While I’ve been perfectly able to continue surfing the waves (this is all comparatively small stuff when I remind myself of the other challenges I’ve overcome) none the less it’s been frustrating, and has started to become exhausting. I’ve known that the answer to all of this lies within me – yet for some reason it didn’t matter where I looked, how far I went in, what additional tools I called on to find ‘whatever it was’ nothing seemed to change.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">Until it suddenly hit me. I was in my kitchen on Sunday evening, making a batch of fig and ginger chutney that I’d promised myself I’d do after two years. All of this had been niggling at me, and perhaps it was the action of stirring the saucepan, or perhaps just because I was doing something I’d been looking forward to – I don’t know – either way, it just suddenly hit me that I was being inauthentic. Yes, I had not been being true to myself – and in that moment everything fell in to place!</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">My work, my life – my mission if you like – is all about authenticity, cutting through the crap and speaking out for what is right. And here I was, steadily creating a whole life and is-ness around that, when I suddenly realised what had been holding me back. Of course it was me. And when it hit me, it was all so blindingly obvious, as I find these things usually are – it’s never rocket science!</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><a href="http://denalightup.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/whats-wrong-with-just-being-you.jpg" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; clear: left; color: #2ea3f2; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; margin-top: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><img alt="whats wrong with just being you" class="alignnone wp-image-883 alignleft" height="149" sizes="(max-width: 336px) 100vw, 336px" src="http://denalightup.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/whats-wrong-with-just-being-you-300x224.jpg" srcset="http://denalightup.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/whats-wrong-with-just-being-you-300x224.jpg 300w, http://denalightup.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/whats-wrong-with-just-being-you.jpg 500w" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; display: inline; float: left; height: auto; margin: 0px 15px 0px 0px; max-width: 100%; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" width="200" /></a></div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">It was all in my name. I was not using my true name. Something that (ironically) started when I wrote my warts-and-all autobiography in 2012. I had never ventured into the publishing world before, so when I was signed by a well-known publishing house, I was over the moon and happy to learn how it all worked. That was when I came up against the fear-run libel laws that had my lovely publisher nervous from the start. Because none of the characters I had written about have been convicted, and also because they’re alive (apparently it’s not possible to libel the dead) it meant that names, places and relationships had to be changed – despite the fact that I had black and white evidence to support all areas of my story.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">So although I voiced strong concerns about bowing to laws that seem more interested in corporate arse covering in case the people with no conscience decide to sue, and that do very little to support the voices of the innocent, &nbsp;I went along with it, believing I had no other choice. And I was happy with my decision, because the most important thing for me was to get my story out there – to finally validate what had happened to me, and to reach out to others who might be experiencing the same difficulties. I’m glad I did, because I have been contacted by countless people who have suffered the same – including people who know the characters in my book. My story has helped others, for which I’m deeply honoured. And it’s also brought some wonderful people in to my life, for which I’m deeply grateful.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">As well as changing characters names, it was decided that if I change my name as well it would help with the ‘final top and tailing’ with the libel lawyer (that proved to be a whole other experience that deserves to be told as a stand alone story!) So I chose to shorten my first name and adopt my paternal grandmother’s surname Carnegie. I had always loved Granny very much, and was also proud of the ancestral links to Andrew Carnegie. So it sat well with me. And other characters in the book went along with it as well, giving me pseudonyms they would be happy for me to use in place of their real names.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">Incidentally, the only person who refused change his, was my beautiful son. “My name is Dylan” he explained, sitting on the sofa together one evening. “I know our story and I’m proud of who we are and what we’ve done. I’m not changing my name for anyone.” How I love my authentic&nbsp;brave son,&nbsp;continues to teach me every day.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">So that was how my name changed. That was how I started using the name professionally in order to avoid confusion. And after a while I changed my name on personal online forums too, because people were searching for me as a result of the book. And I remained acutely aware of the publishers’ fears – so it seemed simpler to give people an avenue to find me, and also to honour the libel laws I had been told about.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">The way I see it now though, is that by using a name that in effect was chosen in order to protect the very people who had treated me so badly, meant I had actually become part of the very problem I’m so passionate about changing. &nbsp;Aaaaaarrrrggghhh!!! Now THAT&nbsp;<strong style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">real-eyes-ation&nbsp;</strong>hit me like a steam train. It meant that I was not being truly authentic. That even though the magical work of Light-Up has woken me and countless others up to&nbsp;<strong style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><em style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">real</em></strong>&nbsp;life, the very fact I’ve been working under an adapted name means I’m once again denying my true self. DOH!</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">The ridiculousness of the whole situation coupled with an instant feeling of freedom, brought me a sigh of relief and some giggles too. Why?</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">Because for so many years both my sister and I were quite literally brushed under the carpet.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">Ignored.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">Filed away in the ‘too difficult’ pile and forgotten about.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">Isn’t it ironic that I had been doing exactly the same thing to myself, and even more ironic that it happened when I’d finally found my voice to speak out the truth?</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">So Sunday night’s super moon saw me reclaiming who I am, by reclaiming my full birth name of Melanie Pledger. For this is who I am, and this is the person who has survived and thrived, and who is now on a mission to share her work so that others can claim their true power as well. No more playing small, and no more being anything other than my true authentic warts-and-all beautiful self.</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1em; vertical-align: baseline;">As with most profound realisations, it’s a massive shift for me that has in such a weird way changed everything and nothing. I know it’s significant, because just yesterday as it was all settling, I suddenly shared with Yasmin, my right hand lady at work and oracle in life, that I now know what it feels like to be normal, a feeling that had evaded me since I was very small. It means I’ve finally come home – to where and who I have been all along…</div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">I do make myself laugh you know – us humans, we’re such funny and adorable creatures when we dare to look under the carpet…</div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-69991596509247713712016-04-04T21:52:00.000+01:002016-04-04T21:52:18.494+01:00Three Years Later... Look Who's Back<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3B_cvTEgD_Q/VwLIXR-gQsI/AAAAAAAAAcQ/QqvbsB2gyJ4nZmRvTQrmAfh1zJYeP0v8Q/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3B_cvTEgD_Q/VwLIXR-gQsI/AAAAAAAAAcQ/QqvbsB2gyJ4nZmRvTQrmAfh1zJYeP0v8Q/s400/images.jpeg" /></a><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When writing the previous post, I said to myself that it would be the last one for this page. I'd said it before, this time though I affirmed that it was the moment to finally move on from the blog. I decided it was time to get cracking with the job in hand - because by then, my life's work had already begun taking shape. Already the life-changing magic that is today known as&nbsp;<a href="https://www.facebook.com/DenaRevolution" target="_blank">DeNA Light-Up</a> was moving through me. I haven't written much about how it was born - my book only goes up to a certain time in my life, and I stopped writing the blog as it was coming in to form. So it's odd actually putting this stuff down in black and white. Why? Because this work was not something I asked for - nor was it something I consciously designed. And yet it came with a force so strong that, try as I might, I could not turn away. Believe you me, I certainly did try to run from it!&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span><span style="color: #444444;">Right from the early days, I realised the power of the work that was taking form. From deep within me, I knew the magnitude, and I recognised the enormity of the work that was to be done as a result. Light-Up, as I now fully understand and accept, is something much bigger than me. Although I rarely use the word, I believe that it is my destiny. It's my reason. And it finally makes perfect sense of&nbsp;all the struggles my life has offered me.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span><span style="color: #444444;">Over the past three years (and more) I've worked with countless people who have suffered at the hands of a sociopath/psychopath/narcissist/bully - I don't care about the label any more. It makes no difference what we call them - it's recognising their actions, acknowledging the damage they do, and offering support to people who have been targeted that's of importance to me. Because this is a key area where my experiences and this work helps.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span><span style="color: #444444;">I've witnessed manipulators in all shapes, sizes and environments. The sly ones, the overt ones. Ones who parade a killer smile to match their drop-dead style, and others who spit their venom under the cloak of some imaginary disorder - garnering pity from caring people who feel sorry for their hardships. Yes, I'm getting to know these types, and recognise them quickly. And the amusing thing is, I've discovered that in most cases they know that I know... and they avoid me.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span><span style="color: #444444;">And&nbsp;still I'm learning, while also fine-tuning the power of the work I'm sharing with others. In a nutshell, my work now is light over dark. It's love over fear. It's connection over self-sacrifice. The work is gathering force. And the manipulators can feel it. They don't like it. I don't care.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span><span style="color: #444444;">I wrote a while&nbsp;ago, during what now seems like a&nbsp;previous lifetime, about <span id="goog_172205118"></span><a href="http://melcarnegie.blogspot.fr/2011/11/lovefraud-its-up-to-all-of-us-now.html" target="_blank">calling fellow survivors together</a>.<span id="goog_172205119"></span> I'd once again been struck by just how many beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, bright souls are lured in to a living hell - and once again felt the stirrings that those of us who've been through it, can in some way light the way for others to follow.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 20.799999237060547px;"><i>"I believe that we are the ones who can band together and make a real difference. From where I am standing, it is our painful experiences that make us authentic, giving us the hard-earned power to understand and empathise at the deepest level. We’ve been there, seen it and got the T-shirt, and perhaps have more reason than others to make sure that we find a way to stop these people continuing to hurt us and others"</i></span></div><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Since then, I now have a proven experiential journey, <a href="http://denalightup.com/testimonials/" target="_blank">DeNA Light-Up</a>, that allows people to reclaim their dignity, their sanity and their self-worth after losing themselves to such people. Light-Up is for everyone. Not just for people who've been snared by a psychopath. Yet here are where the roots lie. Because here, through my own experiences, was where this life-changing magic was first born.</span><br /><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #444444;">And now I have a solution that can help so many more people heal so much more quickly than the time I took to recover myself. Which is why it's important to me that this very special group of people is up to speed with what we're doing.</span><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></span><br /><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So now I feel once again compelled to write here. To fill in some of the gaps, and also to document the progress as this new chapter develops. I don't know how often it will be - I'll write when I'm stirred.</span><br /><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the meantime - thank you for reading. It's good to be back in the saddle again ;-)&nbsp;</span>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-91826578240954653542013-12-16T15:14:00.002+00:002013-12-20T23:13:57.496+00:00The Sanctuary - How it all Happened <div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zNoSb_fHXTY/UokDtzu6H3I/AAAAAAAAAac/FT6bQgZtEYU/s1600/IMG_2085.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zNoSb_fHXTY/UokDtzu6H3I/AAAAAAAAAac/FT6bQgZtEYU/s200/IMG_2085.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>Since I've now announced The Sanctuary and have already had people to visit, I decided it's time to explain how it all came about and the magical weaving of 'co-incidences' that brought it in to being. I suppose there are &nbsp;two key elements in this story - my own personal journey, and the history that is held in the fabric of the house. Both of which have their parts to play in the dance that gave birth to this space where people can come to heal from whatever challenges they've had to face. To find a profound connection with themselves and with the world.<br /><div><br /></div><div>So let's start with the house. I found it during an internet search in 2003. It was below budget, didn't look particularly attractive, and I really wasn't very keen on viewing it - I even twice changed the appointment with the estate agent before finally agreeing to make it the final rendez-vous on the last viewing day in France. It was marketed as <i>"a pretty collection of Charentais farm buildings, house in habitable condition"</i> but in the photographs the 100-plus year old house just looked sad and old. But the whole place reached out to me the moment I walked through the gates. It was Saturday 15th February 2003, and I remember the exact moment (later that same afternoon) when I shook hands with the estate agent - the deal was done.</div><div><br /></div><div>For me, this was a time of new beginnings. It was intended as the start of a second chance for my marriage, and a more wholesome upbringing for my 7-year old son. The full story, of course, is laid out in my book and in the pages on this blog - so I won't repeat the details again here.</div><div><br /></div><div>Little did I know at the time that the house held its own history of difficulty and sadness. I wonder whether that had something to do with my sense that the place was quite literally smiling and welcoming me as I entered? Perhaps I represented as much of a new start to the house as it did to me?</div><div><br /></div><div>It turned out it had been empty for nearly a year. Prior to that it had been inhabited by a man named Philipe, an abuser of drugs and alcohol who terrorised the village with his wild antics and his penchant for breaking in and stealing from his neighbours. Prior to him, it was owned by an elderly couple who had great plans for renovating the house to provide a home for their family - in particular their beloved grandson Renaud, who spent much of his time living with them as his parents were separated. The wife, Marie-Noel, belonged to a well-respected family who in previous years had owned most of the surrounding farms and buildings. She was a popular and much loved member of the community. Her husband, Roland, had enjoyed a successful career in Paris where he had met and married his wife many years before. They had moved back to the village together when he retired, and were clearly doing a great job modernising the house.</div><div><br /></div><div>French inheritance law dictates that property must go directly to your children - no choice, no option. It's the law. Roland and Marie-Noel had one son, a man they didn't trust and who had been in and out of trouble with the law for most of his adult life. He had a son, Renaud, and the elderly couple were determined that when they died the house should go directly to their grandson - bypassing their son. They had spent months if not years arguing their case with top lawyers. It was tough, but eventually they were successful and were allowed to specify that their grandson become the sole beneficiary on their death. My neighbours here knew this couple very well, and talk fondly about the shared joy and relief when they finally received confirmation that they'd won the case. The trauma and battle had taken their toll, and the entire village was behind them, supporting them through the ups and downs and spurring them on when times got tough. It should have been a happy ending. Yet it became what my neighbours refer to as a soul-destroying Greek tragedy.</div><div><br /></div><div>For just a few short months later, while the grandparents were driving 9-year old Renaud home to his mother, they were involved in a horrific car accident and all three of them (together with their pet dog) died at the scene. The house went to their son, Philipe.</div><div><br /></div><div>By the time I saw the house it had laid empty since Philipe had finally been marched out of the village by the Mayor and other residents. I remember feeling the imbalance in the house, although of course I had no understanding of its history at the time. It had a kitchen that had clearly been fitted relatively recently - and with great attention to detail. The upstairs spaces had carefully been marked out to create a bathroom and another bedroom. It should have felt full of hope... and yet there was a darkness about the place. There were burn marks in the linoleum flooring, dirty marks all over the walls and doors, empty boxes strewn around and a general sense of unease. Yet the house called out to me - and I knew it was to be my home.</div><div><br /></div><div>It was the first place I've ever had the opportunity to renovate, and I thoroughly enjoyed learning basic building skills and planning a home almost from a blank canvass. It was wonderful to watch the house come back to life - as I was also coming back to life myself, and my son was thriving in a new country and culture. Over time I learned that the place rests on a healing ley line. I also learned that the simple 12th century church at the top of the village is known locally as The Jewel of The Charente, and that the region is steeped in Knights Templar history. &nbsp;I learned that the area is on the famous Camino de Santiago (The Way of James) that leads thousands of pilgrims across Europe to the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela in northwest Spain, where tradition has it that the remains of the apostle Saint James are buried. &nbsp;I also learned that the village is home to a powerful healing spring, where people would go when their children were sick, taking an item of their beloved child's clothing and praying for their health. The more I learned the more I fell in love with the house, the village, the people and our new life there. I happily invested all of myself in to making it a beautiful family home where we could be happy for the rest of our lives.</div><div><br /></div><div>But as you know, much like the old couple who had lived there before me, it actually turned out that I was living my own Greek tragedy, because I had no idea that the 'soul mate' I was living with was in fact a sociopath.</div><div><br /></div><div>It was there in that house, in what was then our home office that I discovered the truth on the fateful evening of Wednesday April 22nd 2009. It was there in that house, sitting at the table outside the kitchen the next morning that I had to tell my thirteen-year old son what had happened, and hold him as his heart broke in two. It was there, at the end of the garden, where he and I then threw bottle after bottle of my husband's aftershave against the old stone wall, swearing and shouting as each one smashed in to smithereens - the perfume doing it's best to salve the pain and fury of our anguished cries.</div><div><br /></div><div>That house became the container for my grief and confusion as I tried to make sense of what had happened - and did everything within my power to hold things together for my son as well as myself. That house provided safety and security while all around me fell apart. That house allowed me to splinter in to tiny pieces, and to slowly put myself together again. It held me - without judgement or criticism - and became my silent loving partner as I slowly waded through the endless mire of legal, financial and emotional battles. And when it seemed I would lose the house in the divorce war, I fought tooth and nail to make sure it stayed with me - so it could continue to provide a safe haven for me and my son.</div><div><br /></div><div>Ultimately, both Dylan and I came through the battle stronger, wiser, brighter and more at peace than ever before. My own journey of awakening has resulted in the birth of a coaching and development approach that has the power to heal and change lives.</div><div><br /></div><div>So that house and I, we've been through a lot together. And I truly believe that together we have cleared and healed each other. Now we are both shining, bright and happy. Now we are free from struggles and radiating light and joy.<br /><br />A few months ago - after a number of co-incidental conversations, meetings and situations, I decided to open my home as The Sanctuary. There are a couple of barns on the property that would be ideal for conversion, creating bedrooms and workshop space to house guests.&nbsp;I figured the plan would take months if not years to come to fruition. But it seems it's something that's beyond my control - because it's moving fast, and people are already turning up for help and healing. It spurred me on to understand that I don't have to wait for the barns to be developed. I already have the capacity to run one-to-one retreats here using my son's room. And so a few weeks ago, through another set of coincidences, I found myself welcoming my first residential guest for a two-day intensive programme. It was an extraordinarily powerful experience, and I know it's the start of something huge.<br /><br />In addition to the residential opportunities, I am also able to offer shorter sessions here as well. A couple of months ago I had the honour of working with a wonderful lady called Pauline. It was another 'meant to be' kind of meeting that is surely down to serendipity. We ended up completing a two-hour session here together - for me it was one of the most powerful sessions I'd experienced, and I was keen to find out how life was treating her afterwards. So I was absolutely overjoyed to receive an email from her that included these words:<br /><blockquote type="cite"><blockquote type="cite"><div dir="ltr"><blockquote><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I have never felt so genuinely happy, happy with myself and so happy with life I love it. I could never thank you enough Mel, you and the Sanctuary are two forces that when together whoosh... and the magic begins. You gave me a life I never&nbsp;dared dream could exist:-)</i></span></blockquote></div></blockquote></blockquote>To say I'm overjoyed is an understatement! And Pauline's happiness resulted in me subsequently working with her husband, with equally positive results.<br /><br />Next year I plan to start work on the other buildings - with the support of more like-minded and capable people who just seem to be turning up out of the blue.&nbsp;For the moment, space dictates that I can only offer this as a retreat for one person or a couple at a time. Because of that it means prices will be relatively high and likely appeal mainly to clients in the corporate arena.&nbsp;Ultimately though, that is not my only market - far from it. Ultimately I would like to set up a foundation. A charity. So that I can pass on everything that I've learned to people with less spending power who can really benefit - I'm talking about people who've been through similar experiences to my own. I'm also talking about dis-advantaged groups, as well as working with groups of children and their teachers. This, as many know, has been my dream for a long time.</div><div><br /></div><div>Because I know deep in my soul that, when I was a child myself, if I had understood even some of the things I now know, my life would have been very different indeed. Our children are our future - I dream of a future where there is no need for remedial or coaching work. Where it is 'common place' for people to be filled with natural self-esteem and confidence that is our birthright... being taught as children how to lock in to their own power and how to keep shining, no matter what happens. This is work that I know will take far more than my lifetime to complete - but it doesn't mean I can't crack on with it now, so that others can continue long after I'm gone.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am determined to play my part here. And my home, The Sanctuary, is just the start of it. Bring it on. I'm ready - and on the case :-)</div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/?px" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=11286417-b986-4921-9ae8-6839705869a8" style="border: none; float: right;" /></a></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-21198602509071009652013-11-12T13:42:00.002+00:002013-11-12T13:42:48.862+00:00Of Darkness and Light - and Ultimately of Love<div class="zemanta-img" style="text-align: right;"><div class="zemanta-img"><a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Light_shining1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="A powerful light shining in the dark." border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="150" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/54/Light_shining1.JPG/300px-Light_shining1.JPG" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="200" /></a></div></div>I think I should warn you right at the outset that this one is likely to be a little controversial - at least in some places. Some of the things I'm going to say might feel uncomfortable, even jolt a little, but please stay with it to the end... then decide what you think. It's about my current take on the 'dark-souls' - those we experience as the sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths, bullies, or any other name we might give to disordered personalities who create chaos, confusion and pain in the lives of other people.<br /><br />As you know from <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Im-Still-Standing-Apart-Not-ebook/dp/B00AR0XF82/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1382889343&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=mel+carnegie" target="_blank">my story</a>, I was married to such an individual - a man I had truly believed was my soulmate. Since discovering the shocking truth four years ago, I've spent my time healing, reclaiming my life and sharing what I've learned with others in the hope they can benefit from my experiences.<br /><br />Regular readers of this blog will know that I've been experiencing a series of profoundly personal 'ah-ha' moments over the past few weeks and months. It feels as though I'm on a path that's rapidly gathering speed. Demanding my attention and acceptance - and inviting me to surrender more and more to what really is. This might sound a bit airy fairy, so I'm going to do my best to explain as clearly as I can - because the realisation that's just dawned on me has brought the deepest sense of relief and peace I've ever experienced. <br /><br />A few weeks ago I came in contact with a man who caused my world to skip a beat. I met him purely by chance (if there is such a thing) on a country lane and the connection was electric - so strong in fact, that as I walked away from the first 'hello' I burst in to tears and felt as though I'd literally walked through a vortex. My dear friend Anna was with me, and can testify to the impact just a couple of minutes in this man's company had on me. I wasn't sure what it was. It wasn't sexual, it wasn't what might even be called attraction. Nope, it felt different and somehow stronger... and I was fascinated.&nbsp;I said to Anna at the time <i>"this is important and life-changing for some reason"</i> and now I know that to be the truth.<br /><br />He (let's call him John) it appeared, felt exactly the same... which was no surprise since the impact of our first meeting was so strong. He quickly arranged to meet up - it was inevitable. Within a few short hours in his company I recognised exactly&nbsp;what I was dealing with - yet I was neither afraid nor concerned.&nbsp;Simply fascinated. Because here in front of me, in my home, stood another one of those empty dark souls. Only this one was much stronger, much more skilled and much more confident than the ones I've met before. He knew what he was, and he also knew his strength.<br /><br />I watched him using all his powers to charm and manipulate me and at the same time openly revealing himself to me with every single thing he was doing and saying. It appears we share very similar interests and a fascination with the world of personal coaching and healing, or so he said. He's personally spent time studying with one of the great authors I admire. He's visited places that I'd love to see - and he <i>"loves helping people, that's his greatest passion"</i>. Of course it is! Oh, let's not also forget that his <i>"skills are superior" </i>to mine. His <i>"experiences are greater"</i>, and the myriad of things he has to teach me are things I <i>"couldn't possibly begin to comprehend at this stage of development"</i>... his liquid caramel voice delivering each put down with a well practised soothing smile.<br /><br />The mirroring, the word-salad, the diminishing, the shifting stories, the self-importance... all the signs I've learned to spot were all there, and many more. Well disguised and artfully delivered, but there none the less. He also openly gave many insights in to his interest in the dark arts, and even referred to himself as a serpent - testing me maybe? Jibing? Trying to frighten? Showing me he knows I see him? I don't know - and it doesn't matter. Because try as he might he just couldn't get me. In fact the more he tried, the more at ease and peaceful I became. And this, my dear friends... this has ultimately given me a massive oomph of clarity and freedom that I'd like to share with you right here and now.<br /><br />I've written here before about some of my ideas about <a href="http://melcarnegie.blogspot.fr/2011/11/lovefraud-this-little-light-of-mine.html" target="_blank">light and the darkness</a> - I'd like to make the point crystal clear now in the best way I can. I believe in the existence of dark souls - because I've come across them more than once. I also believe that darkness itself has no power. No energy. No life. It merely exists in the absence of light. It is <i>light</i> that has power, that holds all the power in fact. A tremendous power that dissolves any darkness.<br /><br />Imagine this if you will. A huge cave, thousands of metres wide, deep and tall. A place that's dark - pitch-black. Then imagine someone lighting a match.... In that mass of blackness, the light can be seen. It has life. It makes a difference. Now on the other hand, imagine a relatively small container (cardboard box? Empty jar?) filled with light - sunshine perhaps, or artificial brightness. It doesn't really matter. Now imagine a huge great mass of darkness entering in to the container (I know, I did say imagine!) - what would happen to it? Would it damp down or drown out the light? Would it smother the brightness? Would it even be <i>noticed</i>...? No. Because it can't survive in the light.<br /><br />And that's my point. The dark cannot survive in light. And yet even the smallest pinprick of light can be seen in an endless ocean of darkness.<br /><br />And this got me thinking. Because over recent years, as you know, I've been consciously living on what could be called instinct. I've allowed myself and my decisions to be guided by something deep within myself - a great and beautiful light that has become the basis of <a href="http://www.denarevolution.com/" target="_blank">DeNA</a>, and as a result my life has changed beyond recognition.<br /><br />For a moment I questioned why this man had been brought to me, why I had felt that massive jolt and been moved to tears when I met him. &nbsp;Going back to that first encounter with John, I remembered how strongly I felt that our meeting was of huge importance -&nbsp;I just didn't know the details. So - if my ever-strengthening instinct is there to guide me, what on earth was it doing pushing me towards such a dark and empty person? Where is the good in that...?<br /><br />I reminded myself of when I met the man I had called my soulmate all those years previously - and I remembered how strong the connection felt then. There have been times since discovering the truth about him when I've credited the connection to his power to mirror others. Put it down to his skills in attracting his target. Now, though, I had to accept the dawning truth... that is, that <i>my instincts were and always have been right</i>. They were never wrong. They never took me deliberately to be hurt - quite the opposite in fact. (I did warn you that this was going to be controversial!)<br /><br />I now fully and utterly believe that I met with the empty souls in order to gain faith and trust in my own light within. That I was even guided there in order to shine brighter. Hasn't it been the case that since the truth emerged about my ex, I have become brighter, stronger and more confident than ever before? Isn't it true that through all the hardships and challenges I've learned to love and trust myself more than I could ever have dreamed possible before? Isn't it also true that I've woken up to so much beauty in the world that I didn't know even existed...?<br /><br />So back to this latest encounter then. It's been a short swift powerful one - and was in many ways stronger in impact and personal growth than either the long journey with my ex, or the painful experiences with my guardian, whilst at the same time being very different from anything I've known before. The darkness and the threat was there just the same - perhaps even more powerful. But I recognised it very quickly, and knew the 'games' this individual was playing. Have you ever seen those cartoons or old comedy shows where one person is trying to punch another person, who simply keeps the adversary back by placing a hand on his head, keeping him at arms length from his body while he punches and flails at the air? That's what it felt like with John. And as his psychological punches kept coming, I kept feeling stronger, lighter and brighter. More peaceful and safe at his every attempt, knowing his antics couldn't touch me.<br /><br />I've come out of this particular encounter neither damaged nor bruised - in any way whatsoever. Instead I've come out knowing without question that the light and love that exists within me (within <i>all</i> of us) is more powerful than any darkness. I now know I'm completely safe. I know I'm love. I know I'm light.<br /><br />Many times I've said that I'm grateful to my ex because of the person I've become as a result of being with him - but I've never said thank you to his face because I've had no contact since I discovered the truth. With John I realised I had the opportunity to take things that one step further. So I thanked him. Warmly and with love. I thanked him for teaching me a valuable lesson that's now going to enhance my life further. For a second he was the jolted one. He seemed confused and asked me what he'd done. I responded in the best way I knew how...<br /><i><br /></i><i>"I truly believe that at some level you know how you've helped me. I see you. You see me. The lessons are done, and I wish you peace. Thank you and good bye"</i><br /><br /><br /><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">Join us on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Carnegie.Mel" target="_blank">Facebook</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/Mel_Carnegie" target="_blank">Twitter</a></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-18560558369828696582013-10-16T15:07:00.001+01:002013-10-16T15:07:49.142+01:00All Of Who I Am<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aQZ38mcVSYA/Ulv9oG0DntI/AAAAAAAAAaE/0cW-FBlFX5c/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aQZ38mcVSYA/Ulv9oG0DntI/AAAAAAAAAaE/0cW-FBlFX5c/s1600/images.jpeg" /></a>It's been another of those 'ah-ha' kind of weeks in so many ways, which is why I'm once again putting<br />pen to paper (well, fingers to keyboard to be precise, but hey, you know what I mean!) It kicked off last Monday, with a meeting which for so many reasons was just a 'meant to be' connection. A couple of days earlier, neither <a href="http://pennyferguson.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Penny Ferguson</a>&nbsp;nor I had ever even heard of each other. It all started the Thursday before as she finished one of her typically inspirational talks to a gathering of high-level business people - my friend Gillian happened to be one of those people in the audience.<br /><br />The way Penny tells it, this very glamorous lady (Gillian) came rushing up to her after she finished the talk saying <i>"You simply have to meet Mel Carnegie, you've got so much in common!"</i> and asked for her contact details. The first I heard of it was when I received Gillian's introduction email on Friday, titled in capital letters "YOU TWO HAVE GOT TO MEET!" I trust her advice implicitly, so I immediately emailed Penny - and she came straight back to me. Within just a couple of messages I felt as though I knew this lady, and we arranged to meet on the Monday morning.<br /><br />It was like re-connecting with an old friend or family member - and as we chatted away like old friends both of us were stunned and delighted by the number of similarities in our experiences. Time vanished so quickly, we decided to meet the next day - Penny very kindly invited me to visit her and stay overnight at her home. We chatted, we shared, we marvelled, we walked... and we felt grateful for whatever this re-connection means for both of us. Neither of us know exactly how things are going to pan out - we just both know it's for good, and brings opportunities for a bundle of exciting and ground-breaking stuff.<br /><br />I am delighted - and once again shown that this is indeed a kind and loving life, and that when things are meant to be... well, they're just meant to be!&nbsp;The rest of my trip this time has also been throwing up some interesting and wonderful coincidences and 'moments' for me. In particular, one pretty big eye-opener.<br /><br />Because the thing is, beyond all shadow of a doubt I am finally learning that I am a healer - a term that for me, applies to both sides of the same coin. On the one hand I am a healer because I am healing myself. I seem to be on a consistent journey of self-discovery and acceptance these days, and I am becoming more and more used to feeling my soul expanding. Sometimes it's slow and gentle... stretching and yawning, blinking in the light; and other times it's a whooshing, bursting, vibrating and fizzling 'oomph' of an explosion that I hardly know how to cope!<br /><br />On the other side of the coin, it seems I am also becoming some kind of channel for other people - and this is a whole new sort of an acceptance for me. I've known for a long time that I'm a coach, and over recent months I've happily become an "Activator" as the DeNA Revolution is claiming its identity and breathing life in to our methodology of 'lighting people up'. To be told however, out loud, and on three separate occasions over this particular visit to the UK that I am a healer has come as a bit of a shock. Along with the surprise and the accompanying squirm of embarrassment and vulnerability, at the same time these statements from others have brought a sense of warmth and safety - like a warm furry blanket wrapping itself around my nakedness.<br /><br />There is clarity in what I'm being told. I suppose it all makes sense. I'm guessing that's why there have been so many life-shattering experiences in my life - so that I can deepen my soul-connection and also empathise with others. Now, I feel, it's my time to continue re-connecting with all of who I am - so that I can become even stronger and more stable, and better-equipped to follow the path I've found myself travelling.<br /><br />Over the past couple of weeks I've been visiting old places that were part of my past - my old school, places I used to live, where I worked, where I fell in love, where I cried, where I danced... it felt like I was gathering up and connecting with a kaleidoscope of emotions, each time feeling more whole and at peace as I breathed in the memory and let my body welcome the feeling in to who I am today. I hadn't intentionally gone out to do this... I just followed an inkling to go out walking, then followed my heart along what turned out to be a series of smiling safaris.<br /><br />Of course, I'm going to continue working in the corporate arena as well as with individuals and groups. And I'm wondering how people will respond if I use the word 'healing' in a business setting? Well, I guess I'll find out... and I'll let you know. Because I sure as heck ain't going to be keeping quiet, backing down or wearing any kind of mask just in order to be accepted. I did that for far too many years - and it made it very difficult for me to accept myself. Neither does it mean I'll be immediately shouting out <i>"get your healing here!"</i> in the boardroom, as that could equally become counter-productive.<br /><br />Nope, so far as I understand at the moment, I am finding my own balance... and I know I'm always guided (hmmm... sometimes pushed prodded and darn-well kicked actually!) so I'm certain all will continue to unfold in the way it's meant to. For now? I'm learning to accept, stay curious, and continue following my instincts.<br /><br />So watch this space... I'll let you know how things develop... :-)Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-81397704690352216502013-09-23T17:47:00.000+01:002013-09-23T17:47:02.395+01:00Carry On As Normal<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WKIV9Rz7Wf0/UkBnyAwMsXI/AAAAAAAAAZs/qVSn0qGFNqs/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WKIV9Rz7Wf0/UkBnyAwMsXI/AAAAAAAAAZs/qVSn0qGFNqs/s1600/images.jpeg" /></a>I've just had one of those whooshing light-bulb sort of moments... one of those "doh!" ones <br />(accompanied by the slap on the forehead) and I felt compelled to write it out. Exactly as my dear friend Anna advised me to do when I started this blog and was doing my best to come to terms with the craziness of my life. This time though I'm not writing about craziness - nope, this time I'm writing about normality which, for me as I've just realised, feels like a different kind of crazy! I'll explain...<br /><br />Life has continued to be on the 'up and out' as the magic continues to happen and things continue to blossom and grow - often in ways I could never possibly have imagined just a short time ago. Because not so long ago things were completely different.... and this is where this latest epiphany has happened. Not so long ago I was fighting for my very survival - for me and also for my son. Further back in time I also found myself fighting - for me and for my sister. And right back in the early days I was fighting just to keep myself from tumbling in to an abyss of grief. For more than four decades I've been in fight mode, ready to respond, ready to take control, ready for anything. It's true, each battle has been different - but the war's always been the same. To survive and to keep my family safe, no matter what life throws my way.<br /><br />So is it really any wonder then, that now - today, right here, right now - when it's finally dawned on me that there are no more battles to fight (as has been the case for a while now) it's come as a bit of a <i>"woooooooaaaaah!"</i> kind of a feeling? Because all of a sudden other stuff is falling in to place... nope... crashing and tumbling in actual fact!<br /><br />I was chatting with my sister yesterday - she in her house in London, me at home in France - and it turns out both she and I were feeling a little bit flat and low. For the life of us, neither one of us could really provide any good reason! I am loving the work I am doing - I am fulfilled in so many ways and on so many different levels, and loving how it continues to grow in more ways than I'd dreamed of; Dylan has just started his second year at university - after the most joyful, magical and fun-filled weekend of celebrations for his 18th birthday; I live in a beautiful home that I love, and am surrounded by friends who enrich my life with colour, energy, vibrancy.... and so much more. My sister, Abby, had &nbsp;a similar story to tell, yet the truth was there - that feeling of flatness and emptiness.<br /><br />As we talked, we pondered the idea that since we weren't allowed to show emotion or be real as we were growing up, perhaps it makes it harder to for us to accept and enjoy the good stuff now? Perhaps for fear that it will be taken away....? I know for certain that's been a personal challenge for me - and one that I've enjoyed 'working on' as I learned to accept kindness and help, and a whole heap of other good things. Now the good stuff continues to shift up a gear or two, so I guess that kinda makes sense...<br /><br />I carried on pondering long after we finished the conversation, which had finished on the conclusion that everyone has ups and downs, it's just part of life! As is now my way, rather than working it out, I allowed myself to 'work it in'... and it hit me this afternoon as I was mowing the lawn. Here it is...<br /><br />If (as is indeed the case) I've been so used to slaying dragons all of my life - fight or flight mode permanently at the ready and poised for action - well then I guess that would have kinda given me a reason to stay alert. It would have kept me on the edge most of the time. It would have become, as I now recognise, a feeling of safety - better the devil you know and all that jazz - because it was something I knew and was used to. It doesn't mean it was a<i> good</i> feeling or way of life, but it was familiar to me. More than familiar. It was part of me.<br /><br />So... over recent times (accelerated beyond measure since the publication of my book) well, the battles are over. The fighting has finished and the war has been won. I know, because I feel it in my soul, that the bad-stuff has finally been vanquished. I am free. I am safe. I have been for a good while now... so what was that feeling of emptiness all about then? That's something I'm not used to...!<br /><br />Bhoff... there it was. The emptiness is there because fight or flight mode is no longer there - simple as that. Because as you know, I've finally accepted the good. The peace. The security... of just being me. It's been this way for a while, and I guess it probably took a while to finally believe it to be true - on every level. And now that's happened... well... there's space. And quiet. And yep, what could easily have been described as 'emptiness'.<br /><br />This is all part of a new adventure. This is all part of learning to live a normal life.... hmmm.... normal? Well, probably not (thank you Edward Monkton) - then again, who is?<br /><br />So now I know what it is, there's room for me to fill this space with even more good things. More love. More joy. More expression.... More life.<br /><br />I'm ready - in a gentle, quietly spoken, understated sort of a way.... NOT!<br /><br />Oh cummon, I've only just come alive over recent years - surely you didn't expect me to quieten down now did you?<br /><br />Nope - now's the time to live life out loud and fill my life with bucket-loads of fun and adventure. This time it's without the need for my fighting equipment. All the old skills will always be with me of course - it's just that now I'm using what I've learned to bring more love and acceptance in to the world. Fighting is exhausting. Let's make love the normality now eh?<br /><br />Bring it on :-)<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-24240971827992891592013-06-03T18:57:00.000+01:002013-06-04T11:35:35.083+01:00Shine Bright Like A Diamond<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:DocumentProperties> <o:Template>Normal.dotm</o:Template> <o:Revision>0</o:Revision> <o:TotalTime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:Pages>1</o:Pages> <o:Words>1173</o:Words> <o:Characters>5280</o:Characters> <o:Company>TopBanana</o:Company> <o:Lines>101</o:Lines> <o:Paragraphs>13</o:Paragraphs> <o:CharactersWithSpaces>8213</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:Version>12.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing> <w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing> <w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery> <w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument></xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276"> </w:LatentStyles></xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]><style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-ansi-language:EN-US;} </style><![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <br /><div class="separator" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="158" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sn71hImyUHw/Uajj2x5uIaI/AAAAAAAAAXA/fXR9EbsSBwg/s200/Screen+Shot+2013-05-31+at+18.53.28.png" width="200" /></div><div class="MsoNormal">This is a piece that has just been published in a fabulous new publication - here is the link to see the original and read other great stories www.40fabulousmagazine.com<br /><br />Since I was very small, I have always had an unwavering belief in magic. I loved films like Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and I remember one time being taken to the cinema to watch Peter Pan. I shouted, clapped and stamped my feet as hard as I could to save Tinkerbell after she took the poisoned medicine. I willed her to come back to life, and was overjoyed when her light started to shine again! I know it appears silly writing it here now, but at the time I honestly believed that I had helped to bring her back to life – and I remember feeling warm and good.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Of course those are just innocent childhood memories… or are they? Because these days I am convinced that my early experiences played a major role in shaping how I coped with the numerous jolts that life seemed to throw at me. Over recent years when I was told by solicitors, debt companies and numerous other professionals that there was no way out of the nightmare after discovering that my soulmate was a sociopath, I simply refused to believe them. I just <i>knew</i>that somewhere, somehow there would be a solution – and I prayed for some magic to happen.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">OK, there might not actually have been fairies or wizards at play, but I genuinely believe that my childlike faith (or stubborn pigheadedness perhaps?) helped me overcome every single hurdle that appeared in my path.&nbsp; Yes, even against all the professional advice I’d received along the way… <i>“You’ll have to lose your home” “You must leave France” “You’ve got to accept that everything is going to change”</i> I remember one evening, over a large glass of wine, chanting to myself over and over again <i>“I <b>do</b> believe in fairies, I do I do I do!”</i> hoping that perhaps my own bruised and battered light would once again brighten and carry me back to some kind of normality!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">And you know what? Through it all, my light did indeed come back. Bigger and brighter than ever before. Against the odds I made it – I overcame every challenge, and came out the other side much richer in life than I had possibly known could be possible. Richer not in material goods (although I did manage to keep my beloved home) but in the way I felt about myself and about the world around me. For the first time that I could remember, I felt ‘switched on’ and lit up. I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt that life was good. In short – I found the truth of who I really am, and I had come home.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">This was how I first discovered the key to what is now known as DeNA – our revolutionary training approach that lights people up from the inside. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">After finding and accepting myself, my life shifted and continued to shift for the better. On a regular basis I would experience out-of-the blue contacts from people keen to give me work. I’d find new connections with people – either deepening with existing friends, or with new people who would suddenly appear in my life. I stopped feeling tired – in fact I remember saying to my friend Marty one time that I just didn’t know what to do with all this energy that I suddenly had! Each day became like a miracle, and slowly slowly I began to relax in to this new way of being, this new and magical way of experiencing the world, and I began to enjoy watching things unfold. The stress had gone. The worry had gone. The bad feelings had gone. This was real-life magic, and I found I was pinching myself to check it was real…!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I came to understand that through all the ‘bad stuff’ I had been given the gift of connecting with something so profoundly life-changing that I felt compelled to share it with others. I had found that by attaching with myself from the inside, I could affect my outside world in a way that I had never dreamed possible. Yes, I’d already spent years studying and qualifying in all manner of therapies such as Louise Hay, NLP, Coaching and Firewalking. All of those techniques were a tremendous help to me as I faced my battles. But I knew from deep within my soul that what I’d discovered was something even more meaningful. Something that had changed my life beyond recognition. Something I knew I was meant to refine and share. So over the coming months I played with what I had learned, experimenting on myself and gradually introducing new techniques in to my coaching sessions, so I could test whether I was correct in what I believed I’d discovered. Could it really be that I’d be able to share with others in short sessions what had taken me over four decades to find in myself?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">In short, the answer was ‘yes’. I found out that I could light-up others in the way that I had been lit-up myself. I was able to help others uncover their own inner power in just a couple of hours, and each time it happened the person in front of me literally changed before my eyes. They became calm. They looked younger. They were free – and their eyes shone clear and bright. Once lit-up I was then able to show them how they could use their new understanding of themselves – because I’d learned how to do it myself. That way it became a permanent life-skill, and I soon began to recognize that the shift people experienced through this process was more than just a mental shift…. It was a profound change on every level. And because of that, it meant it lasted.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Over recent months, and with help and guidance from some great friends, I have built this process in to a training programme that is equally effective in the corporate world (my profession for the past 15 years) as in what I now refer to as “Life plc” – it’s for people like you and me, it’s for parents, for teachers, for therapists, and for children.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Just a few weeks ago I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to run an introductory light-up session with a room full of Brownies – little girls aged from 7-9 years old. Together with Tracy, my business partner, we worked our magic in the room and every single one of those children was lit-up. We invited them to draw and share what they had found, entitling their drawings “ME” standing for My Energy. The results were breathtaking – I am getting goosebumps now just writing about it and remembering the experience! These beautiful little souls created the most amazing pictures and wrote the most insightful words when asked to describe how they felt with their energy ‘switched on’….. <i>“I feel pretty and confident”</i> wrote one <i>“I am strong, safe, and happy”</i> said another <i>“I am the light because the sunshine is within me”</i> grinned another one, who until this moment had been quiet and kept her eyes to the floor.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Was I right to believe in magic as a child…? Well yes, I think I was. Because surely, what we’re now able to bring to the world is magic indeed. In the words of Rhianna “Shine Bright Like a Diamond” – because as more and more people light-up, so our world can shine bright like the diamond it is meant to be.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Find out more about DeNA here: www.denarevolution.com</div><div class="MsoNormal">Join our revolution on Facebook here:&nbsp;www.facebook.com/DenaRevolution</div><!--EndFragment-->Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-59324395592842323422013-05-14T16:04:00.001+01:002013-05-16T11:30:23.257+01:0050 Shades of Shift<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-41OiwOt81E4/UZIIgdfU7eI/AAAAAAAAAWw/JKsv-F2JaZw/s1600/MP900308890.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="131" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-41OiwOt81E4/UZIIgdfU7eI/AAAAAAAAAWw/JKsv-F2JaZw/s200/MP900308890.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>Hmmm... When the shift hits the fan I guess it's always going to be messy. You know how important growth and development is to me, and how often I have referred to it here on this site? You know as well, how I am one of those who is against the idea of enforced change, and more an advocate of invitation and coaching? Well, it appears that I've been going through so much transition lately that I'm not entirely sure who I am becoming or perhaps, who I already am...<br /><br />And the shifts this time have just kept on coming. One after another - sometimes a bunch at a time. It continues to be an intriguing process and as I just said, it also means that I'm really no longer sure who I am.... and I reckon that's a good thing. Because surely that indicates real, profound growth?<br /><br />I know for sure that in more ways than I can count I am no longer who I <i>was</i>. Whilst I do believe that I am still the same essence and soul I have always been, I know for certain that my behaviours and responses are wildly different from even just a couple of years ago. In fact, even from a few months ago when I stop to think about it. These shifts started as a conscious leap - of that there is no doubt. It's been my soul stretching and releasing itself in ways I didn't know were possible before... hang on though.... before what...? Hmmm... I suppose, before I learned how to truly and fully connect with who I really am - which arguably makes my title question appear a little contradictory to say the least! Ha ha, so please bear with me... I find that writing stuff out helps me to gain clarity. That's of course why I started this blog in the first place - as a diary for me to make sense of the nightmare at the time. And it worked. It did the job and it appeared to help others as well along the way. It's helping again now, so I'll continue...<br /><br />You know what? When on the odd occasions I choose to look back on those early days of 2009 - seeing photos, reading through old personal and business emails, I can hardly recognise myself. So much has changed since then - both externally and internally. And now... well it appears that the process is speeding up again. This time though, these particular shifts are entirely 100% positive; no 'bad stuff' to deal with, just growth. So how come it still feels peculiar and somewhat frightening...? This is where teacher becomes student, and I remind myself of the many times I've explained to people that the physical sensation of being frightened and being excited are practically identical - it just the label we choose to give it ( a 'good' or a 'bad' experience) that determines how we then respond.<br /><br />I know this stuff, of course I do - and each time I remind myself of something that's so fundamentally a part of me, it makes me laugh. Sometimes a quiet inside giggle, and sometimes a loud guffaw, which can be somewhat embarrassing when it happens in public - ask the shoppers at my local supermarket who were party to a particularly unexpected and noisy snort and splutter just a couple of days ago! I could have passed it off as a joke between friends had I been with anyone else - but nope, there I was all alone looking at the fruit and vegetables. So instead I raised my head, smiled and nodded directly at the people who'd turned around to stare, and walked off to the cheese counter before another serious fit of giggles took over. No wonder the French think we English are all somewhat weird!<br /><br />At the end of last year things were very different. I was running my coaching and training as before, and life was ticking along very nicely. My son had just left for university (that was a darned tricky shift to make - one I've only just started getting used to!) and things were stable. I was in the process of finalising the publication of the book and I'd just got myself a base in the UK so that I no longer had to live in hotels during my frequent visits. I was feeling happy, settled, and also ready for much bigger things.<br /><br />But I hadn't expected this..! Over the space of just a few months I've published my book so that my story is out there warts and all, I've completely re-branded my business, I've been interviewed for radio, newspapers and magazines, I've been contacted by people from all over the world thanking me for sharing my story, I've just agreed a new partnership to launch my new training programme to corporate and to wider audiences, oh - and of course I've signed a contract to appear in a movie. WOW! As if all that wasn't enough? Over recent weeks I've finally started feeling comfortable in my physical skin. I'm finally finding out 'who I am' not just inside, but outside as well...<br /><br />I've finally learned to let my hair fall in to it's natural place (largely due to my sister's recommendation and cajoling - thank you!) Clothes-wise, I've stopped worrying about what might or might not 'look right' and instead have decided to brave my own choices in style, and live with the consequences.&nbsp;Oh, and my smile. That seems to have shifted as well. Again, something I hadn't really appreciated until just now when I had a look back at some old photos on Facebook (hmmm... I'd forgotten about some of those!) and I can see that I now smile with my eyes, not just with the rest of my face. For me, that's a sign that I really am finally free from 'the bad stuff' and from 'fighting'. Perhaps that's why it all feels so strange. Learning to embrace life for all the good that it really is, with no need to battle for survival... well, I tell you what.. it feels absolutely amazing!<br /><br />I'm also continuing to honour who I am on the inside... I'm finding it even easier to pay attention to and act on my instinct (including politely declining a sizeable business proposal last week because it just didn't 'sit right' inside) and am also trusting my instinct when new people turn up - which they are continuing to do at an amazing rate. A few weeks ago I had a chance meeting with a lady in a bar - for some reason we locked eyes across the room, and for no logical reason we both just knew it was a 'meant to be' meeting. Since then that lovely lady has become my friend and my PA... we share so much in common in the way we have had to deal with things growing up, and I am absolutely delighted that we've connected and are now working together. Talk about haphazard and trusting gut feelings!<br /><br />Speaking of which, a couple of weeks ago I had a completely different experience of trusting my gut. I'd arranged a meeting with a senior executive in the City. I had been very excited to meet this person, so it was somewhat of a surprise to me when my instincts went on high alert just a few minutes after we started talking. As the conversation continued, I paid even more attention to my feelings and suddenly was able to see through the polished mask that was being presented to me. With very little specifically 'logical' evidence to speak of, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was face to face with a disordered person. Someone who certainly didn't expect to be sitting opposite a person who would be able to see the truth! You know what though? Despite the fact I realised early on exactly what I was dealing with, it was still an unnerving and unpleasant experience. I recognised the attempts to charm and beguile, and I felt the body blows when this particular individual did their level best to rattle me. But I kept my guard high and maintained my position. When the meeting was over it took me &nbsp;a while to steady myself and regain my composure. And then I felt glad, proud and free. Because maybe I won't be able to spot every sociopath, narcissist, psychopath or any other number of disordered people who might cross my path in the future - but I sure as heck spotted that one. I got the signals loud and clear... and that has added to my confidence that I can not be duped again.<br /><br />All of this also adds to my conviction that the training programme we're in the process of launching is going to have a massive impact on the way we do things - in business and in our personal life. Because it teaches people in a very short space of time how to connect with and trust their instincts, and how to communicate with confidence and authenticity. The more people learn how to behave in that way, the less the manipulators can continue twisting values and dimming lives.<br /><br />So yes... it's continuing to be exciting as my life path is quite literally developing in front of me... and yes, shift does indeed happen. I'm as certain as I can be that this is far from the end, and each time more shift comes along - the more comfortable I become with the process. New? Yes. Scary? Sometimes. Exciting? Most of the time. Growing as a result...? Oh yes indeed my friends... and I'm loving it.<br /><br /><i>"Another sack of shift, Madam?" "Yes, thank you - don't mind if I do. Bring it on!"</i><br /><br />;-)<br /><br /><br />Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-31835598142989948092013-04-23T19:51:00.002+01:002013-04-23T19:51:53.767+01:00Four Years On...<div class="zemanta-img" style="text-align: right;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/35166455@N00/3984411975" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Candles" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="160" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3465/3984411975_66212b3fc7_m.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="240" /></a></div><div class="" style="text-align: right;"></div><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:DocumentProperties> <o:Template>Normal.dotm</o:Template> <o:Revision>0</o:Revision> <o:TotalTime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:Pages>1</o:Pages> <o:Words>703</o:Words> <o:Characters>4010</o:Characters> <o:Company>TopBanana</o:Company> <o:Lines>33</o:Lines> <o:Paragraphs>8</o:Paragraphs> <o:CharactersWithSpaces>4924</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:Version>12.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing> <w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing> <w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery> <w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument></xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276"> </w:LatentStyles></xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]><style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-ansi-language:EN-US;} </style><![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <br /><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Today is Thursday 23<sup>rd</sup> April 2013. I am relaxing with a cup of coffee at Limoges airport in France, sipping a café crème while I wait for my plane to arrive. I'm feeling excited about the coming two weeks in the UK, and am also taking this opportunity to give myself a big smile and a massive pat on the back. It’s only now, looking back with clear vision, that I can begin to fully comprehend exactly what I’ve achieved over the past few years – and I am filled with pride and love for myself. Does that sound boastful? Well, perhaps taken as a stand-alone statement I suppose it could indeed appear a little as though I’m blowing my own trumpet – although I still maintain there’s actually nothing wrong in that… but I digress. The recognition of exactly who I am and where I am, for me, feels like a huge release. A sense of lightness. Of freedom. And of peace. Because not so long ago it was a very different story…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Four years ago to this day I was also at an airport. It was Angouleme airport, and I was there with my son. It was the day after the evening when I had uncovered all the sordid, sickening details of the life my husband had been leading behind my back. The night before I had finally fallen in to bed, exhausted, sobbed out and totally empty (apart from the good few slugs of brandy I had downed). The next morning, four years ago today, I faced the toughest challenge that has ever been put in front of me. Because I knew I had to tell my son Dylan what had happened. That everything we knew had suddenly changed beyond comprehension... and I knew it would break his heart. It was beyond excruciating, because I already knew the pain that my words were about to cause the most precious person in my life. To this day I remember his innocent little face crumpling in agony as the dreadful truth sank in… heaven forbid that I ever have to witness anything like that ever again. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Four years ago, we were clinging to each other at the airport, broken hearted and numb with shock, glad to be&nbsp; flying to be with people who love us (Dylan was going to stay with his father, and me with my sister) and at the same time facing a terrifyingly uncertain future. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">To be honest, looking back over those early days and weeks, I really don’t know how I got through – well actually, yes, of course I do… but I sometimes wonder, had I known in the early days just how long the war was going to be, and how much tougher the battles would become as time marched on, well... perhaps I might not have continued with quite such determined force. But I didn't know, and I did battle on - and thank goodness &nbsp;for that. Because now life couldn't be more different...</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Now… Aaahhhh.... NOW…. Well, I can honestly look back over it all and feel glad and proud. Glad that it’s over, and proud at what I’ve achieved in a remarkably short period of time. Because today I am sitting here full of wonderment and excitement – about today and about the future. &nbsp;Today I am prepared for a two-week trip to the UK that promises to produce yet more opportunities and adventures – and Dylan is at university in Bordeaux successfully finishing his end of first year exams. Incredible! We spoke on the phone last night, both of us remembering the road we'd travelled - how far we'd journeyed and where we'd got to.... &nbsp;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Things have of course become steadily better... and since the end of last year, my life has taken&nbsp;<i>extraordinary</i>&nbsp;leaps forward, in just about every way conceivable - and the hits keep on coming! I have published my first book; I am surrounded by an amazing team of people - both personally and professionally; I am contracted to appear in a movie along side such self-development luminaries as Brian Tracy and Don Miguel Ruiz; oh, and I am also just about to launch an ‘inside-out’ training programme that is destined to have a major impact in the way we do things, both in the corporate world and in ‘Life plc’… Talk about feeling fizzly - this is more of a full-blown supernova! (Wikipedia's description: <i>"a star that suddenly increases greatly in brightness because of a catastrophic explosion that ejects most of its mass"</i> - ha, well I couldn't have put it better myself, perhaps apart from changing 'mass' to 'mess'!)&nbsp;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">So how have all these shifts come about? Well, even while I was still fighting my battles and claiming my victories, even while I was still exhausted and wondering where I'd find my next burst of energy, I heard it said by a few people that <i>“you are so strong, you always pick yourself up, it’s just who you are …” </i>and on many occasions I felt somewhat peeved. Didn’t people realize just how bloody hard I’d worked to get through challenge after challenge - not just now but in my early years? Couldn’t they see that it’s not simply a question of <i>“it’s alright for you…”</i>&nbsp;it's so much more than that? Couldn't they jolly well see that I've been in training over many years to be able to get through this particular nightmare for goodness sake? And then all of a sudden it dawned on me that perhaps they couldn't see that at all... and I went quiet.&nbsp;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">And then I got to thinking. … Hmmmm…. OK, yes, I am strong and yes I always pick myself up - but was that nature, nurture or something else? Round and round the questions went while I explored reasons and theories (as many of my closest friends will witness!) until I became absolutely certain beyond any doubt that in actual fact there is nothing ‘special’ about me at all…. By which I mean no more ‘special’ than anyone else here on this planet.&nbsp;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Because I came to understand that in actual fact, over the years I had been learning, checking and fine-tuning a set of skills that got me through the shifting sands of my experiences - so yes, it was indeed <i>"just who I was"</i> but I had become that way through a set of testing situations. I had learned how to be flexible. I had learned about responsibility. I had learned to ask the questions and not take 'no' for an answer. And above all, I learned about courage. I honestly believe looking back, that it was only once I'd successfully fought (and won) so many battles, that I knew I finally had the courage to go within and do the <i>real</i> work. To find out and connect with who I really am - because it was then that I finally 'got it'...&nbsp;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I remember when it happened, because I <a href="http://melcarnegie.blogspot.com/2010/06/mouse-that-squeaked.html" target="_blank">wrote about it here in this blog</a>. It was June 2010 and I remember feeling terrified as I came to understand that this sense of 'no way back' was upon me...! I also remember that once I actually 'got there' and found myself - well, there was really nothing at all to be frightened of - quite the opposite in actual fact. Because from there, things really started shifting and getting better. And as I got to understand what had happened on a 'soul' level, I began to realise that being so previously 'disconnected' with myself had caused me no end of difficulties.&nbsp;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">As I began to truly grasp the meaning of this, I started to understand that this is something that we all do in some way shape or form. And I became fascinated with the idea that perhaps I could find a way to guide others to do what I had done and clear whatever obstacles or challenges they were facing... eventually I succeeded, and it worked. Each time I felt the compulsion to 'go for it' in coaching sessions, I just seemed to be able to hit the spot - no matter the person or the situation. People would call what I did 'Mel magic' and I really did begin to wonder (and worry!) whether it was something that perhaps only I could do because of the trials I'd faced and overcome? &nbsp;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">To my absolute delight, in recent weeks I have come to absolutely know beyond any question, that the technique I have developed can be trained and repeated by other people. Simply put, it is a process that guides people to 'light up' from within, and by doing so create the life of their dreams. This methodology has recently become a brand. And this brand has become a product that (together with the fabulous people who have gathered together to create the key team) I'm now ready and able to launch to the corporate market as well as to "Life plc".</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Very soon there will be a website and more to explain exactly what this programme is and how it is going to work. Until then, just ponder this... if I can deal with all the stuff life has dealt, and successfully turn my life around in the way I have... and if the techniques I used are now transferable through a specific training methodology... and if the approach for this training methodology can also be adapted to fit not just the corporate world, but also schools, parents, teachers, groups - people just like you and me - just begin to imagine now what this could bring to others... and ultimately to the world we live in... Are you feeling fizzly yet...?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">What a difference four years makes eh? Thank you :-)&nbsp;</div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/?px" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=04cd387f-bba6-41b4-acb7-e915b48b75af" style="border: none; float: right;" /></a></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-67292772053000119632013-04-11T17:48:00.001+01:002013-04-11T17:48:43.372+01:00The Darkest Hour Is The One Before Dawn<div class="zemanta-img" style="text-align: right;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/34534185@N00/5867416815" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Dawn over Moreton Bay-1=" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="165" src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5028/5867416815_f10f9ab49a_m.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="240" /></a></div>Phewy... and.... breathe.... Over the past few days I've been feeling somewhat 'stuck' and blocked. I know, it happens to all of us every now and again. Recent weeks have brought such a buzzing roller-coaster of experiences that I'd forgotten how much the 'darkness' can feel so overwhelming when it arrives. I guess like so many others, I can be prone to periods where I lack energy and motivation, where it seems (emphasis on <i>'seems'</i>) that all is about to be lost and nothing is moving forward. I have referred to these moments before as the <a href="http://melcarnegie.blogspot.fr/2010/09/blip-blip-blip-thats-life.html" target="_blank">'blip'</a> times and I accepted long ago that whenever things become uncomfortable or unsettling it always signifies a period of growth and adjustment. I know for a fact that it heralds the start of something new, and that always (and in all ways) it is a good thing. But crikey, it can still be tricky when I'm in the thick of it!<br /><br />This particular dark phase hasn't lasted very long. It's been a powerful one though, prompting me to once again bring in to play the skills I've been fine-tuning for so many years. I learned long ago not to fight whatever feelings I may be experiencing - just as I've also learned that the 'trick' to this is to just go with the flow, allowing whatever feelings to arise, without any judgement or blame. Whatever is going on is just an expression of who I am - and since I have finally learned to love who I am... well, then it stands to reason that there simply can't be any criticism, right? And so it has been that from that place of love, I have watched myself over the past few days as I've slumped around the house, feeling tired and lethargic, and prone to tears for no apparent reason. And at the same time I have <i>loved</i> myself for being that way, knowing that given time, patience and kindness I would come out the other side even brighter than before.<br /><br />I guess it's part of nature's cycle - and there is no point arguing with that! Things die away to make room for new growth, and I suppose it's natural to feel a sense of mourning through the process.&nbsp;<i>"This too will pass"</i> is a phrase that has been running through my head, as I've continued to smile at myself in the mirror and give myself comforting 'mental hugs'. And you know what? Daft though it may perhaps seem, I can honestly say that this last dark period has been one that I actually learned to enjoy...! It doesn't mean I'd like to feel that way more of the time, it just means that this time it posed no real threat to me. Before, I would have been afraid. Before, I would have been worried that perhaps I was doing something wrong. Before, I would have been so focused on fighting 'what is' that I'd actually have prolonged the agony!<br /><br />This time, though, I knew for sure that whatever was happening would pass. I remembered that there is a gift in every experience, and that however I might reappear the other side I would be brighter and stronger. Another of my favourite sayings is <i>"the darkest hour is the one before dawn"</i> so this time I chose to embrace the darkness, taking myself off to bed when I felt tired, and crying whenever I felt like it.<br /><br />Last night, just after midnight, I felt the darkness lifting. And I rejoiced, knowing for certain that whatever blocks had been there were loosening their grip. I thanked the darkness for whatever gift it had been bringing, and went to sleep with a smile on my face. After a night of the most amazing dreams, I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of energy and life.<br /><br />Things <i>have</i> shifted. I <i>have</i> grown once again. And I <i>am</i> ready for the next leg of my adventure.<br /><br />Today I have had some wonderful conversations, some 'out of the blue' contacts, and some pieces of very positive news. Oh, and today, by the way, is also the day that finally <i>finally</i> the paperback version of my book is available worldwide through Amazon. Coincidences? Well... you know my thoughts on those ;-)<br /><br />Bring it on - I've just stepped up another gear. I am peaceful, I am free, and I am ready for the new day.<br /> <div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/?px" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=8e4675c3-b372-4f04-93ef-66eb0baaa3e1" style="border: none; float: right;" /></a></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-83944649438692137662013-04-09T16:15:00.000+01:002013-04-09T16:15:13.085+01:00And We Call This Humanity?<div class="zemanta-img" style="text-align: right;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27302727@N03/8380241036" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Humanity in Motion" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="240" src="http://farm9.static.flickr.com/8363/8380241036_3af2c7ded5_m.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="174" /></a></div>Crikey, I've been having a funny old time of it recently, I can assure you! Mum would always ask me to qualify that kind of statement with the question <i>"Funny ha-ha or funny peculiar?"</i>&nbsp;and the truth is that this time it's been a pretty equal mix of both. So I'll stick with what I just said, yep it sure has been a funny old time...<br /><br />You'll probably already have gathered from my last post that my roller-coaster life has once again kicked up a gear - and with that of course has come a few surprises. After my story appeared in the Daily Mail, I have been inundated with messages; from people thanking me for sharing my story as well as from media people keen to interview me. All good stuff, all confirmation that I'm doing the right thing, and all helping to raise awareness of my message that we all have the power within us to overcome adversity.<br /><br />During this process, though, I have once again come up against one of my old adversaries. A part of society that plays a necessary role in protecting the innocent - but that also, in my experience, has also become part of the circus that unwittingly continues to support the less than innocent in their antics. What am I referring to? I am talking about the libel laws and their professional representatives. More of that in a moment.<br /><br />Firstly, though, I am keen to highlight what I believe to be the media's misplaced thirst for selling bad news and discord. For those of you that have followed my story, you will already know that I am all about giving people hope, together with the necessary tools, to break free from being a victim (in any way) and to live life in freedom, choice and light. I know from experience that whatever life decides to throw our way, there is always something we can do to reclaim our freedom. There is always <i>always</i> something that is within our control - even if, as has certainly been the case for me in the past, it felt as if the only thing that I could control was my breathing. My message is about noticing and grabbing hold of anything and everything that allows us to regain our personal power - every tiny step is a step forward - until we are free from whatever chains (real or imaginary) that threaten to keep us prisoner.<br /><br />You'd think, therefore, that perhaps I have some strong positive messages to share with people, that might actually serve to bring a little positivity in this increasingly confused world we live in? You might also think that publications with the power to reach millions would be interested in promoting such stories of hope? Hmmm... I thought the same. But it appears that instead of that, most of the publications that have approached me are only interested in the headline grabber. They want to focus on the 'poor woman duped by a sociopath' - and nothing else. Take the Daily Mail, who dictated how I should look (clothes, makeup, hair, pose, expression) to sell their story. They didn't want a photograph that shows the vivacious, positive person that I believe I am. Nope, I had to look severe, serious and (in my opinion) downright frumpy. Is it any wonder that the piece received a number of 'it serves her right she looks like a moose' type of comments?<br /><br />I can ride those kind of storms - of course I can. There are always people who revel in making judgemental and negative comments. Sadly there seems to be a growing culture of cyber bullying and vile comments posted by a small minority. But that's not the point. I believe that we have a bigger issue. I believe that by consistently focusing on the 'bad news' we are only encouraging the baying mob and in the process we are in the process of dehumanising ourselves. I've seen it time and time again in my professional life - working with people who are either too afraid to speak out against wrong-doings, or who simply can't be bothered. <i>"What's the point?"</i> is, sadly, a phrase I have heard far too often for my liking.<br /><br />So back to the libel lawyers. Those who know me well are already fully aware of the absurd battle I faced in even getting my book to publication. The details of which are far too complicated to write about here in a blog, so they are going to form a large part of my next book. The series of unbelievable events I went through are enough to make anyone's teeth curl! (Another wonderfully colourful expression my mother used on many an occasion). Suffice it to say that I have learned a huge amount about what can and can't be said. What can and can't be expressed. And how the most important thing is to make sure backsides are covered - instead of focusing on supporting those of us who have been through the ringer to get a real message of hope out there. It's skewed, to say the least!<br /><br />But that's ok. I worked with these laws to get my story published - as I have said in the preface to my book:<br /><br /> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:DocumentProperties> <o:Template>Normal.dotm</o:Template> <o:Revision>0</o:Revision> <o:TotalTime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:Pages>1</o:Pages> <o:Words>83</o:Words> <o:Characters>478</o:Characters> <o:Company>TopBanana</o:Company> <o:Lines>3</o:Lines> <o:Paragraphs>1</o:Paragraphs> <o:CharactersWithSpaces>587</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:Version>12.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing> <w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing> <w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery> <w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument></xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276"> </w:LatentStyles></xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]><style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-ansi-language:EN-US;} </style><![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <br /><div class="Maintext" style="line-height: 150%; text-align: justify;">"I am an ordinary woman who has faced a series of extraordinary circumstances to become the person I am today. Privacy laws dictate that I cannot divulge identifiable details about many of the people and situations that caused me so much pain. It’s a law that exists to protect the innocent, even though many of the people I’ve come across have, in my opinion, been far from innocent in their actions. That law, paradoxically, has actually worked in my favour while writing this book because this is not about ‘them’. In truth, it never has been; it’s about me. This is <i>my</i> story."</div><!--EndFragment--><br /><br />So I've done the hoop-jumping, and I've played my part. I have black and white evidence to support everything I've written about. I have witness statements and more. I've changed names, places and details so that people cannot be identified. And as I said, that's ok, it's more than ok in actual fact.<br /><br />So last week, when I was contacted by a well-known morning TV programme inviting me to appear on their show to talk about my experiences, I welcomed the invitation with open arms. I was well aware that they'd want to focus on the tabloid headline grabber (that was inevitable) and I knew that once I was given air space I could work on getting the bigger message across to the audience. So I started talks with the programme producers. I supplied all the supporting evidence I had collected during my publishing journey. I explained the steps I'd taken to protect privacy. And I agreed to go in with their headlines. But that wasn't enough.<br /><br />Ofcom rules dictated that they had to get a 'right to reply' from the people I was talking about - which meant making direct contact and asking for comments. Now, I understand the need for Ofcom's rules - of course I do. But in this particular case it seems crazy to me on so many counts. Not least of which is the fact that, having done so much to mask identities, &nbsp;it would have meant divulging real names and locations to a bunch of strangers... how could I be sure that these details would remain confidential? (Not such a strange question to ask once you understand my previous experiences with another libel lawyer...) The main sticking point though, for me, was that I was once again being asked to put myself at the mercy of a disordered person. Someone who had already very nearly claimed my sanity with his lies, leaving me in a situation from which I had successfully fought so hard to escape. I was not about to give anyone that kind of power over me - not then, not now, and not ever again!<br /><br />So politely, and firmly I declined the invitation, making this point at the same time: <i>"... It's a shame that the 'rights' of someone who is clearly disordered takes precedent over sharing truths that help so many other people..."</i><br /><br />And I felt pleased. I chose to step away from something that would have not only compromised my position (and that of others) but also given me a voice only on the condition that I talk about the headline grabbers rather than the bigger story. I had already been told <i>"we only want to talk to you about the sociopath, nothing else..."</i><br /><br />That same day, walking through the train station after a late evening meeting in London, I saw a young woman sitting and crying on her own on one of the benches. It was gone midnight, and there were very few people there - apart from a few policemen who were gathered at the ticket barrier - but I was astounded that nobody seemed to be helping her. So I went up and asked her if she was ok? Of course she wasn't, and as she shook her head, her face crumpled and her eyes filled with tears. I sat down next to her and held her hand as she explained what had happened.<br /><br />She told me that she'd missed the last train to London by two minutes, and even though the train had been at the station, she had not been allowed to go through the barriers. She knew nobody locally, and was facing the prospect of spending the night in the train station. Hearing her story and seeing the policemen nearby, I went up to them to ask for their help. They'd been watching me all the while. Guess what they did as I came close to them?<br /><br />They bristled, pulled themselves upright and shoved their hands in their pockets while the cold expressions on their faces gave me the clear message that I was to back off. You know, I actually felt I'd done something wrong! It's a darned good job that I am a trained communicator, because it took all my skills to crack through those defence barriers. They told me that they had it in hand, that the young lady was 'a mess' and was 'inconsolable' - rolling their eyes as if to say <i>'you see what we have to put up with?' </i>My blood boiled but I kept calm. It turned out that they were waiting to hear whether they could get her on the last staff train home. But they hadn't told her that. And when I asked what could be done to make her wait more comfortable, they shrugged their shoulders, with another rolling of eyes, and told me that there was nowhere warm she could wait.<br /><br />After making sure that they would indeed keep her up to speed with what they were doing, and would keep an eye on her while she was waiting, I made my way back to her and put my arms around her (making sure, of course, that the policemen saw what I was doing). I reassured her that they were doing all they could to get her home and that she was going to be ok. I then helped her do up her coat and put her hood up so that at least she would be warmer. I stayed with her until the tears stopped and she let me know she was confident that she was being looked after. Looking over at the policemen, I made sure they acknowledged me with nods and reluctant smiles.<br /><br />So why couldn't these policemen have offered this vulnerable girl just some simple human kindness in the first place? Have they perhaps become so used to people attacking them that their automatic response is just to stay away? Was that why they all bristled when I went up to speak to them...? Or perhaps they've just joined the 'what's the point' brigade that is threatening to drown our system of humanity. Have we become so trapped by our rules, following blindly without checking the results or even questioning why they are there? Are we becoming that robotic in the way we lead our lives that we've become immune to what's really happening?<br /><br />I don't know. But as I walked away from that young lady, knowing that at least I had done all that I could, I felt even more certain that I'd done the correct thing in turning down the barbed TV invitation. It's a sad state of affairs when it seems fear and separation is seeping in to our society - but it's not too late to do something about it.<br /><br />I for one am absolutely determined to do all I can to stand up, speak out, and jolly well wake people up to the reality that we CAN make a difference. It doesn't take much. Just an honest reality check and a small amount of courage to shift the way we respond.<br /><br />I am on the case and fired up. Watch this space my friends, watch this space.<br /><br /> <div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/?px" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=a9a3625a-a64d-49a2-9c67-c5627c38cd13" style="border: none; float: right;" /></a></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-70077502074241438482013-03-27T16:21:00.001+00:002013-03-27T16:21:27.594+00:00The Right Place<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pdA9FuwNTpY/UVMEfyLfluI/AAAAAAAAAVI/SrMKrXoPOqM/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-27+at+14.38.18.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pdA9FuwNTpY/UVMEfyLfluI/AAAAAAAAAVI/SrMKrXoPOqM/s200/Screen+Shot+2013-03-27+at+14.38.18.png" width="147" /></a></div><br />Wow...! What an astonishing few days... and what an astonishing change from where I've been eh?&nbsp;Regular readers will know that I have often turned to songs and music to help get me through some of the tougher times. One of my old favourites was Eddie Reader's <i>"The Right Place"</i> - in fact I'm pretty sure I mentioned it in a much earlier blog post.&nbsp;Well there have been many times that this song has been a mantra for positive growth, rather than an acknowledgement of the truth.<br /><br />Hey, ain't that all changed around now - and how! Just last week I was interviewed by a lovely reporter called Amanda Cable. It was a telephone interview for the Daily Mail, and the very next day they sent photographer Ben Lister and make-up artist Alice Theobald to my home in France for a (very specifically styled) photo shoot. Incredibly, the piece was then <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2298558/Why-didnt-I-realise-perfect-man-sociopath-Charming-Handsome-So-attentive-But-Mel-married-sinister-truth-emerged-.html" target="_blank">posted in the paper</a> on Monday morning - it all happened so quickly there was barely time to take a breath! I know that the Mail Online (love it or hate it) is one of the most popular sites on the worldwide web, so I was expecting some responses. But goodness me, nothing but NOTHING could have prepared me for what has been happening!<br /><br />With 830 comments, 100 Tweets and 1,100 Likes so far, it has attracted an unprecedented response. I am told they were expecting around 50 comments... And I have been inundated with messages from people all over the world thanking me for telling my story and helping them to make sense of similar situations. Some of the messages have quite literally brought me to tears - for example this beautiful email here:<br /><br /><br /><div style="font-family: Consolas; font-size: 13px;">I read your article today. I'm only 17 and never knew such thing existed. my exboyfriend showed almost all the signs of a sociopath!!... thank you soo much for sharing your experience you really have made me soo happy knowing its not my fault! ... I have finally after two months been able to let go and move on! thank you soo soo much! I almost cried with happiness this morning knowing I'm not the only one! And now everything he did makes sense!&nbsp;</div><br /><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">How amazing is that? Just by sharing my experiences, a young girl has found out early on how to spot the signs. She knows. And now she can look forward to enjoying her life without any fear of being trapped or duped again.&nbsp;</div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">Her wonderful email is just one from the many I've been receiving. I can't begin to put in to words the feelings of joy and gratitude that well up inside me knowing that I am making a difference. And it just makes everything I have gone through worthwhile, because it gives me a reason. As I said to a friend a few days ago, I have shed many many tears over my lifetime. Now, with each new confirmation that I am doing something to help people in a positive way, it turns a tear from the past in to a pearl of the present. I am feeling, quite literally, showered with blessings. It's wonderful. And I am grateful.... for everything. Yes, <i>everything</i>.</div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">Along with the great stuff, of course, I know there are a number of less than kind comments that have been left by people who have read (or skimmed) the article. I was warned to expect that. And I have deliberately not even bothered reading them. Why? Is it because I'm scared? Nope. It's because there's no longer any need for me to 'fight' or justify who I am or what I'm doing. I've overcome so much, and come through smiling - so reading a few misguided comments will do nothing to serve me. It's not worth the fight and I'm quite simply not going there. Because nothing and nobody can push me off-course now.&nbsp;</div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br />I am on a mission you see. A determined and focused mission to share all the tools and techniques I have learned over the years with as wide an audience as I possibly can... Not just the men and women like me who have been targeted. No, this is a set of tools that can be used in all walks of life. Corporate, consumer, young and old. I have a wonderful team of people working with me on this and the finishing touches are coming together even as I'm writing this post.</div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br />And at the same time the media circus is gathering momentum around me - so I am being given the opportunity to share my story in more ways that I could have imagined. Watch this space...&nbsp;</div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">Both my parents used to regularly say <i>"the world is your oyster"</i> and you know what? I believed them then (which is partly how I survived) and I believe them now - and each time another tear turns in to a pearl, well, I give thanks for their wisdom and love. They may not have been with me very long, but they sure did prepare me well.</div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">So now? Today? I know I am <i>absolutely</i> in the right place. I'm excited. I'm determined. I'm ready. And I'm fizzly.... oh <i>boy</i> am I fizzly.... BRING IT ON!!!&nbsp;</div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><br /></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-30430893895965942072013-03-14T11:45:00.001+00:002013-03-14T11:45:53.479+00:00It's all PR to Me...<br /><div style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img height="173" src="webkit-fake-url://00B7966B-22AB-43E7-B2CF-EC40DF0B9D8B/image.tiff" width="200" /></div><br />Goodness - talk about feeling fizzly...! I am walking a new pathway now, and life is continuing to expand in the most delicious and exciting ways. It's now coming up to four years since my life collapsed around me. The dust and rubble has now cleared, and in it's place I am truly living a life full of joy and happy expectations. The surprises are still there, for sure - but whereas I had been used to scary or dangerous surprises, it seems I am now surrounded by good ones. Some of them so good that I am literally pinching myself to make sure it's not a dream! More of that when I can give details...<br /><br />In the meantime, I am beginning to learn about the power of PR. I have met some extraordinary people who are continuing to help me to get my message out there - it's a whole new science, and I am loving being a student. I now have an active Twitter account and Facebook page (thank you to Rachel and her lovely team at <a href="http://au-fait.co.uk/" target="_blank">Au Fait Marketing</a>) as well as LinkedIn, this blog and personal pages that I've had for a long time. I am receiving messages from people all over the world - making new connections, sharing ideas, and pooling resources. It's really quite amazing!<br /><br />And you know what I'm also coming to realise...? Is that it was my own inner PR work (the skills and techniques that I used for myself, and that I train to others) that brought me to this place. I kept on telling myself the story as I chose it to be - rather than the nightmare that had appeared in front of me. I would share my dreams with others. I would share my ups and downs along the way - much of it through this very blog, as well as in conversations with friends. And you know what? It jolly well worked. It worked for me back then, and it's working again for me now. This time, though, the PR is not to myself to get myself through trauma. No, this time the PR is to help get the messages out to others, with the dream that my story will help others to come through their own challenges.<br /><br />As a result of today's PR work - (together with the constantly strengthening relationships with existing friends - I never knew life could continue to grow so much!) I am continually inspired, prodded, lifted and generally 'steered' in the right direction by people who share similar dreams and passions. It's deliciously exciting...<br /><br />All this is happening NOW, and the paperback version of my book isn't even out yet...!<br /><br />Just today I have had an interview published in Female First, and there are plenty more on the way. The book though, as I have said for a long time, is just the start. It's the platform. And very soon my dear friends, I will have so much more to share with you all.<br /><br />It seems I am indeed learning the previously elusive quality of patience - because while part of me is bursting to spill the beans, I know that there is more crafting to be done. So I'm happily biding my time, knowing (finally, surely, and for certain) that all things happen at the right time, and for my highest possible good. I am indeed guided, and I am indeed blessed - it may have taken me more than four decades to learn this, but crikey it has been worth it..!!<br /><br />BRING IT ON...!!!! :-)<br /><br />Meantime, here is the interview as it appears on <a href="http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/books/im-still-standing-281741.html" target="_blank">Female First</a><br /><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small; line-height: 20px;">14 March 2013</span><br /><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">What can you tell us about your new book&nbsp;<em>I'm Still Standing</em>?</span></strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">It is often said that true life can often be stranger than fiction… I’ve been told that this is certainly the case for me! Since I was a child, my life has been peppered with a series of life-changing events, starting with the sudden death of my father when I was four years old, catapulting me in to a different world. My mother died equally suddenly when I was 16 and my sister 11 – my world changed again, and once again I had to learn to adapt to a whole new set of rules in order to survive. But that was just the beginning!</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">You might think that the death of both parents would be enough for anyone to deal with, but for some reason the ‘hits’ kept coming – and I kept adapting as a result.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">The most recent (and arguably most traumatic) shock came in 2009 when I discovered that the husband I called my soul mate had betrayed me in the most terrible ways. This last trauma just about destroyed me, and it was then that I fell back on all the life-skills I’d fine-tuned since early childhood – together with all the career and personal development training I’d learned (and taught) over the years.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">The book is my story of how I have succeeded in overcoming adversity time and time again; my message is that if I can come through – not just surviving, but thriving – then so can others.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">You are the founder of a successful leadership development company; tell us a little bit about it.</span></strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Sure. Professionally I work as a leadership and change development coach, helping business leaders and their teams to achieve their best potential. My company is called The Top Banana Bunch (<a href="http://www.thetopbananabunch.com/" style="color: #c9267a; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">www.thetopbananabunch.com</a>) and I absolutely love what I do because I am driven to help others succeed, particularly through tough times and change. No surprise, really, bearing in mind my personal experiences!</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">All of us ‘Top Bananas’ are equally passionate about what we do and continue to gain enormous satisfaction each time we make a difference. Running by the ethos of ‘rigid flexibility’ we are all totally committed to getting the best results for our clients which, I am sure, is why we are so successful.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">Your blog was the inspiration behind the book, so tell us about the blog in its early stages.</span></strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Yes you’re right – it all started with the blog! It was just a few weeks since the evening I’d discovered the truth about my husband, and although I was putting on a brave face at the time, I was in emotional turmoil trying to make sense of the living nightmare that my life had suddenly become. I happened to meet a very wise lady (who has since become one of my closest friends) who had previously worked as a counselor, and who had also been married to a sociopath – both facts unknown to me at the start. She advised me to&nbsp;<em>‘just write it all out Mel. Don’t edit and don’t judge. Just write it out and eventually it will make sense’</em>&nbsp;– and so I did.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Rather than using paper and pen, I decided to keep an online diary. It was private. It was for me. And it was where I slowly learned to pour out the pain in my heart and soul. After a while I invited a few friends to read it – mainly just to help explain where I was at, rather than continually repeating the craziness of my situation.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">So eventually I took the plunge and made the blog public, quickly attracting readers from around the world, and a continuing stream of encouraging messages as well!Their feedback came as a total surprise to me! Various people explained how, in different ways, my blog posts were helping them to make sense of stuff in their own life – and they encouraged me to share my writing with more people.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">After being told time and time again that I should write a book about my experiences, I decided to take the plunge, and&nbsp;<em>I’m Still Standing&nbsp;</em>was born.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">How difficult was it to relive your experiences through the blog and the book?</span></strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">The blog was remarkably easy because it was talking about what was happening in the here and now. Each time I wrote, it was truly cathartic, because I was able to spill out exactly how I was feeling – and through writing it out and then re-reading later on, make more sense of what was happening. Exactly as my dear friend had originally promised!</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Writing the book though, was a very different story. I knew that I would need to provide a solid explanation as to how I had come to start writing the blog. So that meant trawling back over childhood memories that I thought had been dealt with and accepted. Boy was I in for a surprise! The process of actually writing it out, and seeing the truth there in black and white stirred a maelstrom of deep and unexpected emotions. I can tell you, there were many times I would be typing furiously as the tears rolled freely down my cheeks.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Through it all, seeing it all there in front of me has provided a further healing process. It has helped me appreciate on an even deeper level how much my sister and I endured as we grew up – I felt angry, I felt sad, I felt hurt, and I felt grief. Over all though, I ended up feeling more love, compassion and appreciation for just how far my journey has taken me since those times.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">Tell us about the feedback you have had from the blog.</span></strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">It has been astonishing, which is why I eventually decided to write the book. These days I am receiving the most amazing feedback from people who have downloaded and read the book – rather than from the blog. Feedback that regularly brings me to tears!</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Right from the beginning I set my intention that if my story could help just one other human being make sense of whatever troubles they were facing, then all my own traumas would have been worthwhile. It’s only been a short time since the eBook came out, and the paperback isn’t out until 1<sup style="line-height: 0; position: relative; top: -0.5em; vertical-align: baseline;">st</sup>&nbsp;April – yet I have already been overwhelmed by the personal emails as well as the reviews on Amazon. Just yesterday, for example, I received this message in my inbox:</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><em><span style="font-size: x-small;">I am reading your book at the moment and am so moved by it. You are an amazing lady to survive such a nightmare. Your story is giving me the courage and hope to get through my own personal issues. I thank you for writing your story.</span></em></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Each time I receive words like this, I am warmed to my very soul. I feel deeply privileged to be able to help, and it’s true, it&nbsp;<em>does</em>&nbsp;make everything worthwhile.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">What was your biggest high and low during the writing process?</span></strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Wow – there have been a few… of both! The biggest low? It was more of an on-going ache when going through the legalities of the publishing process – another story in itself. There were so many delays that at times I felt I was banging my head against a brick wall. But we got there in the end.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I think the biggest high of all has to be the moment when I actually held a copy of my book in my hands. It felt absolutely amazing! Seeing it and feeling it in print, flicking through the pages and smelling the ink was a completely difference experience from reading it on the screen. Suddenly it meant that everything was real, and I’m not ashamed to say that I shed a few tears.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">Why was it important to you to share your experiences?</span></strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Good question. There are two reasons. The original driver was because I simply had to find a way to make sense of the insane nightmare that had suddenly become my life – which was why I started the blog. As I began to share my soul-searching with others, I slowly came to realise that by explaining my own struggles I was somehow helping others. Eventually that became the overriding reason for writing my story out in a book – the idea that others would be able to identify with different parts of my experiences, and find ways to deal with their own troubles. In the process, of course, it helps me as well because it brings me huge joy to know that I’m making a difference.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">What would you say if someone told you that we can only be better people if we have suffered pain?</span></strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I would say that’s a sad way of looking at things. First of all, whoever says we need to be ‘better’ in the first place? That, surely, is all part of the judgments we make on each other and ourselves, which only serves to diminish who we are as people. Why not learn to accept and be happy with who we are right here right now?</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">And no, I don’t believe that pain is a necessary gateway to happiness – there are plenty of people who are happy and contented without having suffered to get there! Having said that, I do also believe that any kind of difficulty can offer a new perspective on life – it’s up to us to choose what that perspective is going to be.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Me? I first chose strength, and then ultimately peace and love. My job now is to accept more of the wonderful stuff in to my life – what a fabulous challenge!</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">What is a normal day like for you?</span></strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">To be honest, there’s no such thing as ‘a normal day’ for me at the moment as I seem to be entering in to a whole new world and I’m loving every moment of it! There are times; it’s true, when it feels a little scary, as I often don’t know what’s going to happen from one day to the next. Then again, feeling scared is physically almost identical to feeling excited – it’s just the label we give to those movements inside that dictate whether we call it positive or negative. So I’m consciously&nbsp;<em>excited&nbsp;</em>about what is happening and thoroughly enjoying the process of moving through the unknown.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">What is next for you?</span></strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I’m currently working on a follow-up book to&nbsp;<em>I’m Still Standing</em>&nbsp;as there is so much more that has happened since I finished the manuscript!</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I’m also working on a business book based on my years of working with leaders in the corporate world. I am increasingly concerned that people are losing their voices in the workplace, and I’d like to continue my work sharing techniques to help others stand up and reclaim their power. I’ve seen too many cases where even senior managers feel helpless to take action when they know something is wrong. The reasons for this vary of course, but it seems to me that many of our businesses today are suffocating their people who are, after all, the lifeblood of any successful company!</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><b><span style="font-size: x-small;">What else is in store?&nbsp;</span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Well the fact is I simply don’t know, and that feels amazing! I’ve come to understand that life can shift in the blink of an eye, so I have stopped holding tightly on to plans or next steps. What I know for absolute certain, though, is that whatever happens next will certainly involve helping others, while continuing to learn and grow myself in the process.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I can happily say that I am loving my life right now, and I have a wonderful feeling that the adventure has only just begun…</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Thank you for interviewing me!</span></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-18648708448849993602013-02-15T14:33:00.002+00:002013-02-15T14:33:45.753+00:00Secrecy And Fear - It's Time For Action!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cMotIQX4RPk/UR48EvVpGTI/AAAAAAAAAUs/QsPdbXIS_mA/s1600/secrecy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="154" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cMotIQX4RPk/UR48EvVpGTI/AAAAAAAAAUs/QsPdbXIS_mA/s200/secrecy.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've just read an article that absolutely pushed my buttons - firstly because it resonates with issues I have had to face and overcome myself, and secondly because I know from experience that these kind of situations are far from unique. I believe that they are continuing to happen because of our growing culture of secrecy and fear. And it's time to do something about it...!</span><br /><div><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The article I'm referring to is the story of <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2278898/Victimised-blowing-whistle-NHS-chiefs-Man-defied-gagging-order-faces-ruin.html" target="_blank">Gary Walker, former Chief Executive of the United Lincolnshire Hospitals Trust</a>.&nbsp;Sacked in 2011 for raising his concerns about the way the hospital was being run, he was then the subject of a gagging order and pay-off following a harrowing battle with the trust to have his case heard.&nbsp;Now he has&nbsp;decided to take a stand, defying the threats of lawyers employed by the NHS, and to 'whistle blow' about his experiences while working at the hospital. His word is being contested and he is facing financial ruin, so I found his statement particularly poignant: <i>"... if it's got to the stage where thousands and thousands of patients are dying needlessly in NHS hospitals and the Government says no-one's to blame, someone needs to stand up and be counted. If they want to fight me in the courts for breach of an unlawful contract I was forced to sign then I will fight them all the way."</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For me this is punching-the-air-brilliant stuff, and I found myself willing this man on, just for his courage in standing up and speaking out.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Of course there are rights and wrongs and a whole heap more to this story I am sure - but the fact remains that it takes courage and bloody hard work to speak up&nbsp;against anything that is intrinsically wrong. In fact, those who do find the courage to do so are nearly always ridiculed, often ostracised, and sometimes ruined as a result. One of the comments after the article talks about working at places where <i>"... you have to be very careful what you say or you could find yourself out of a job.... There is a climate of fear in many offices..."&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My professional dealings tell me that this is so very true - and, in my opinion, getting worse. People are afraid to say (let alone do) anything that might rock the status quo, for fear of losing their job. So instead they follow the code of silence - knowing that something is wrong but feeling powerless to do anything about it. This kind of behaviour eats away at self-confidence and ultimately threatens the very soul of a business. The more people are having to pretend that everything is ok, the less they connect emotionally with their work colleagues and their surroundings. They start to become empty shells and as a result their work and concentration becomes (at best) robotic.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So far as I'm concerned it becomes a vicious cycle of bullying and fear.&nbsp;What happens then to good customer service, caring about results or 'going the extra mile' - the small but personal differences that encourage a business to thrive?&nbsp;With so many people invested (for whatever reasons) on maintaining a status quo that rewards few and harms many, is it any wonder that we have reports telling us that people are less happy and more stressed today than ever before?</span><br /><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The thing is, those of us who keep the silence are in our own way enabling the bad stuff to continue. A bully can only harm others while he or she thinks they have control. This is why silencing people is such a powerful weapon - it separates others and breeds insecurities.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I remember one of my earliest projects was to help two separate offices from the same firm to integrate in to one large building. It was absolutely fascinating collecting the feedback from both groups of people. Each believe the other had a better working conditions. Each was convinced that the other group would judge them. Each was scared that they might not fit in. Each held their clients in such high regard that they were afraid the move would upset their relationships... It wasn't until I played back the feedback to both groups of people that the tensions subsided. Once they realised that they both had the same (or very similar) hopes and fears, they pulled together and they made it work.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK, life may not always be that simple. But the thing is, if everyone stays quiet then nothing will change. I know from bitter experience how hard it has been for me to get my own voice heard - how it appears to be more important to cover backs and make sure we don't rock the boat than listen to what is wrong. It riles me no end to know that the focus seems much more on 'not upsetting the baddies' rather than taking action on what is right.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I for one have now found my voice. And my intention is to help others find theirs as well. I'm not suggesting that everyone should take the same 'out there' route that I am choosing - what I <i>am</i> saying is that the more we can start to acknowledge (even if only to ourselves) when something is not right, then we can start to work out how to take action.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's the smallest tiniest things that make a difference. We may feel like we're only a drop in the ocean - but as we all band together our power will expand until we <b>are</b> the difference that makes the difference.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So now, I wonder who's up for joining in...?</span><br /><br /></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-16379851959369645552013-02-14T13:40:00.000+00:002013-02-14T13:40:14.054+00:00Feeling Fizzly...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MM_4ew5tD2g/URzQJp1nutI/AAAAAAAAAUU/-P-393Syqg4/s1600/MC900438788-1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MM_4ew5tD2g/URzQJp1nutI/AAAAAAAAAUU/-P-393Syqg4/s200/MC900438788-1.JPG" width="190" /></a></div><div style="text-align: right;"></div>What a time it is for me at the moment... Talk about expansive and life-changing! Since the publication of my book (on Kindle and iBooks for the moment, paperback out on 1st April) it's fair to say that I am continually blown away by what has been happening.&nbsp;<div><br /></div><div>Because no matter where, how or when something happens, I am becoming more and more aware of a feeling inside me that I can best describe as 'fizzly'. It's more than just plain fizzy... because to me that means champagne, or pop, or something like that. It's a kind of visual word that evokes pictures or objects, whereas 'fizzly' seems to encompass sounds and sensations as well. I wonder how many of us remember Spacedust, those packets of brightly coloured sweet tasting popping powder that we used to enjoy as kids? Or Spangles? Or Refreshers? Or Lovehearts...? (it is Valentine's day after all!). Well, the fizzling that I am referring to is like all of those put together... and then doubled :-)<div><br /></div><div>All the time, I feel connected with the low, steady 'thrum' of the fizzle. There are times though, when this fizzling becomes so strong that I'm just not certain that I can contain all the energy within my body! Friends will vouch that there have been recent occasions where it's as though I'm literally bursting with it all - the grin on my face just keeps getting wider and wider, and neither deep breathing nor shaking it out seems to dull the sensation. I'm perfectly sure that there are currently moments when I'm probably almost impossible to be with, although I hope that is not too often the case! Thank you, my friends, for understanding.</div><div><br /></div><div>So what, exactly, is causing this to happen? It is a number of things - and although they may appear separate or apart, they are all aligned in some way. I'm going to do my best to explain.</div><div><br /></div><div>Firstly, I suppose, it's the feedback I've been receiving from people who have read my story. I was so very nervous when the book finally found it's way 'out there' and have been like a cat on a hot tin roof (Marty, you know exactly what I'm talking about!). I am equally blown away by comments from friends who hadn't known my full history, as by feedback from strangers who tell me how the book has helped them to make sense of stuff in their own life. To say I'm <i>'over the moon'</i> is putting it mildly. For once, I can find no words to adequately describe how delighted and touched I am to know that I am able to reach others - even without meeting them or chatting with them. It's a huge honour, and I'm loving - absolutely <i>completely</i>&nbsp;and <i>utterly</i> loving - connecting with so many new people, knowing we share something in common! It makes everything worthwhile (the struggles, the pain, the magnitude of changes) and my sense of gratitude is continuing to build every day.</div><div><br /></div><div>As well as that, I am hugely excited (and nervous) about the opportunities that are showing themselves. It feels like a whole new world - well, it is a whole new world in actual fact! Over the past couple of weeks I've been involved with radio interviews, I've completed another video shoot, I've completed an on-line interview (thank you&nbsp;<a href="http://www.arvinddevalia.com/blog/2013/02/06/keep-standing/" target="_blank">Arvind</a>), and I've been promoted by other people (thank you to <a href="http://www.fisheadmovie.com/" target="_blank">Fishead</a> and also to <a href="http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2013/01/08/im-still-standing/" target="_blank">Lovefraud</a>). There are other hugely exciting projects in the pipeline that I could never have dreamed of a couple of years ago! On top of that I have a new website, a new Facebook page, and a Twitter account that is finally working properly.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've also been meeting some incredibly dynamic and energetic people, all of whom seem to 'fizzle' in a similar way to me. Aristotle's famous quote <i>"the whole is greater than the sum of its parts"</i> is so very true for me right now - strengthening existing connections and creating new as well... honestly, it's a dream come true!</div><div><br /></div><div>I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me. Equally I have no clear 'plans' of what to put in place - so much is shifting, and I'm simply enjoying every moment.</div><div><br /></div><div>What I do know for absolute sure and certain is that this fizzling is just the beginning. It's the call (or the shove!) to an even more fulfilling life filled with more joy and happiness than ever before. The thing is though, I have a small persistent question that keeps tapping me on the shoulder and swimming around my brain. The niggling question is this... Will I be actually able to accept it all?&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>It's all <i>so</i> new, and all <i>so</i> different from what I've been 'used to' in the past...</div><div><br /></div><div>In all truth, I don't yet know how&nbsp;I'm going to accept it all - then again, I don't think that the hows really matters. All I know is that the way I'm feeling now, I know in my bones and in my soul that I'm in the best place I've ever been in my entire life.</div><div><br /></div><div>So please, let me make a declaration right here and now. I am loving this fizzly feeling - and I'll be doing my absolute darndest to learn how to accept every bit of joy that's heading my way....!!&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>What a fabulous challenge eh? Bring it on...!!</div><div><br /></div><div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"></div></div></div></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-29380195684382566982013-01-08T19:00:00.000+00:002013-01-08T19:00:05.066+00:00Lovefraud: I'm Still Standing!<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qITKe0arbOA/UOWXC7u1uYI/AAAAAAAAATg/RsS69W60CxQ/s1600/CarnegieCover.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qITKe0arbOA/UOWXC7u1uYI/AAAAAAAAATg/RsS69W60CxQ/s320/CarnegieCover.jpeg" width="204" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Well, 2013 has arrived so I’d like to wish a very Happy New Year to everyone here on Lovefraud. I’d also like to make an official announcement (thank you Donna) to say that my book has finally been published! Hoorah! It’s been one heck of a journey getting to this stage, but it certainly feels worth it – the excitement tinged with a touch of fear (will people like it? Will it help others?) has meant that I’ve been gently fizzing for the past ten days.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Why did I decide to pour my heart and soul out in a book that can be read by anyone who chooses? To be fair it’s a question I’m asking myself more now than ever. Because the old worry monsters are once again rumbling inside me, but I won’t let them take over. I decided that perhaps writing about my decision will help to quieten them – after all, it has helped me to work through things many times in the past. And where better to share these thoughts than here, on the site that gave me so much hope and inspiration during the dark days following my discovery of the truth?</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong>The Roots Of My Career</strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong><br /></strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">My profession, as many of you already know, is that of a leadership development coach – working with senior people and their teams, helping them through times of change and challenge, and helping them to find their inner strength and confidence. It’s a career that has spanned more than fifteen years, and I absolutely love it. Even now I still get a huge buzz when one of my clients makes a breakthrough – it’s a huge responsibility, and I feel honoured that I’m able to work so closely with people.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">What made me choose this particular path? I can honestly say that it’s purely down to my personal experiences as I was growing up. I faced a number of difficult times – orphaned by the time I was sixteen, and dealing with all kinds of emotional fallout as a result. Not least of which was learning to survive in a series of new worlds that at times, threatened to bring me to my knees.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">It’s true to say that had I known then what I now know, I may not have found the strength to carry on. But instead I just kept digging deeper and deeper each time a new trauma hit.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong>Helping Others</strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong><br /></strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Now I am grateful for everything that happened, because through those times I learned how to become resilient. I learned how to roll with the punches and keep going no matter what was happening around me. I became an avid student of self-help and personal development, and it seemed a natural choice to dedicate my career to helping others. After all, I knew from personal experience just what it takes to weather the storms and surprises that life can throw!</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">But I never shared the intimate details of my past with my clients. Instead I continued to fine-tune my skills and approach, and quickly gained a good reputation as a professional and motivational coach. I loved the fact that I could connect with others on such a deep level (perhaps because my experiences meant I could empathise in some way with many of the challenges that others were facing?) and the more I worked in this way, the more I developed my approach.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong>The Deepest Cut Of All</strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong><br /></strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">I thought that life was perfect. I’d found happiness with a man I loved with all my heart and soul, and I was happy in my work. Little did I realise just how valuable the skills I was teaching others would become in later years!</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">The final and most devastating hit came in April of 2009, when I made the discovery that my marriage was a sham. All of us here, sadly, have our own stories of betrayal and abuse at the hands of another – so I won’t go over my own account again here. Suffice it to say, that when the truth finally came out, it was enough to nearly finish me off. I had already come through so much in my life, the devastation hit me with such a mighty force that I thought I would not survive.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">But I did. As all of us here, I’ve had to battle my way back out from the depths of despair – and it’s been darned hard work.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong>Writing It Out</strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong><br /></strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">It was a few weeks after the ‘earthquake’ that a wise friend of mine advised I should just&nbsp;<em>“write it all out, Mel… write it out. Don’t judge, don’t criticize, don’t edit. Just write it all out as it’s happening, and soon you’ll start making sense of it all”</em>&nbsp;I didn’t realize it at the time, but she had also been married to a sociopath, so she knew what she was talking about!</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">That is exactly what I did. I started in a journal, but soon decided it would suit me better to write from my computer. I found Google’s Blogger application, and started keeping accounts of my thoughts and feelings as the story began to unfold. I didn’t make it a daily chore, I just took to my keyboard whenever I felt like it.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">The blog was my own personal diary, but after a short while, I decided to share it with a few friends. To be honest, it often felt easier to say&nbsp;<em>“here, read this – it will tell you what’s going on for me”</em>rather than having to explain over and over again the madness of the nightmare that had become my life. As a result, I started to receive messages of encouragement and understanding. Messages that I could print out and keep by my computer, reminding me during the dark days that there were people out there who cared and who understood.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong>Opening Up To Others</strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong><br /></strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">To my utter surprise, some friends wrote to me to say that they felt inspired and uplifted by my accounts – and I kept being told that I should consider opening up the blog to a wider audience.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">So eventually that’s what I did. Slowly,&nbsp;<a data-mce-href="http://melcarnegie.blogspot.com" href="http://melcarnegie.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">“Life’s Little Lettuces”</a>&nbsp;started to attract an audience, until I had readers from many countries across the world. I continued to receive emails from people, thanking me for sharing my experiences. They told me that it helped them to make sense of their own lives. At times I was overwhelmed by the way that people would pour out their own stories to me – and thank me for openly sharing! Yes it was often scary 'putting myself out there' – and at the same time, the messages from others gave me hope and encouragement to carry on.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong>A Book Is Born</strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong><br /></strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">I don’t remember the first time that someone wrote to me to suggest I should consider writing a book about my experiences, but after I received the message a few times, I decided to do just that. And&nbsp;<a data-mce-href="http://www.amazon.com/Im-Still-Standing-ebook/dp/B00AR0XF82/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1357222378&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=mel+carnegie" href="http://www.amazon.com/Im-Still-Standing-ebook/dp/B00AR0XF82/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1357222378&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=mel+carnegie" target="_blank">“I’m Still Standing”</a>&nbsp;was born.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">In writing the book, I knew I would have to provide more background to the story. I knew that I would have to explain about my childhood. And I was afraid. What would people think? What would my clients think? All the people I’d worked with, how would they react when they read my story?</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">But I went ahead and did it. It was hard work – and at the same time, hugely cathartic. There were many times when I was writing the manuscript that I would be sitting furiously typing away with tears rolling down my cheeks. It was the first time that I’d been able to acknowledge, in black and white, just how darned difficult life had been. I felt angry, then slowly I started to feel proud. Proud of what I’d achieved, and full of love for how much I had overcome.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">My book appeared on Amazon Kindle worldwide on 21<sup>st</sup>&nbsp;December 2012, but the official release date was 18<sup>th</sup>&nbsp;December – my birthday. It is also available for download on iBooks and other ebook retailers. The paperback edition will be out in the UK in April this year, and soon after in the USA.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">So now the truth is out there. I am both excited and afraid. I don’t know how my clients will react. I don’t know how others will react. But I do know this. If my account can in any way help others, well then it kind of makes everything worthwhile.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Thank you for reading, and thank you all for your continued support. This is such a loving, caring community here, and I am proud to be a part of it.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong>Special Invitation To Lovefraud Community</strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong><br /></strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">I have a small number of limited edition paperbacks that will be printed this month. They are to help with the PR and for competition giveaways. I would like to offer two limited edition copies (signed and with a personal dedication) to the Lovefraud community. If you are interested, please send an email to&nbsp;<a data-mce-href="mailto:mel@lovefraud.com" href="mailto:mel@lovefraud.com">mel@lovefraud.com</a>&nbsp;and I will pick two winners at random towards the end of the month.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Thank you again, and thanks particularly to Donna for creating this magical space where we can learn, share and heal. Happy New Year to everyone - here's to 2013, may it bring happiness and hope to us all.</div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-4561585816823570982012-12-28T16:48:00.000+00:002012-12-29T10:03:52.560+00:0021st December 2012... The End Or The Beginning?<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dgx-tq3rvdg/UNxHq2X_0gI/AAAAAAAAATI/vvwoIHtaHGs/s1600/CarnegieCover.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dgx-tq3rvdg/UNxHq2X_0gI/AAAAAAAAATI/vvwoIHtaHGs/s320/CarnegieCover.jpeg" title="" width="203" /></a>Well, it's finally happened. After all the ups and downs, the in and outs, the backwards and forwards (and any other number of opposites you care to mention!) by book has finally made it out to the world. Not as a 'pre-order' or 'will be available some time in the future' - nope, it's available NOW on Amazon Kindle worldwide, as well as iBooks and other ebook outlets... Hoorah!!!!!</div><br />It has been one heck of a journey getting to this stage. Strangely enough, the actual writing of the book was one of the easier parts. It was the following parts in the process that made life tricky. Tricky and interesting enough, perhaps, to form the basis of another book...? Maybe. We'll see about that.<br /><br />But for now, I'm delighted, excited and more than a tad bit nervous that my story is 'out there'. I can no longer edit, review, proof, or shift it in any way - it's done, dusted and available for anyone to read.<br /><br />So what's all this got to do with the title of this post? Well, after all the publishing shenanigans, the day that the book became available on Amazon was 21.12.12 - the day that, apparently, the world was due to end. Or change. Since I'm writing this post on 28th December, I think it's fair to say that the world didn't end... or if it did then I'm living in some kind of parallel universe. So then it must mark the beginning of a change?<br /><br />I believe that changes are afoot. Big ones. Good ones. Although not necessarily all comfortable ones - I've learned that the process of real and positive change can rarely be described as comfortable! Perhaps this is all part of the bigger plan...?<br /><br />It's fair to say that in this particular adventure of mine there have been so many 'co-incidences' that my faith in a bigger picture has strengthened enormously. As a typical example, of all the dates possible, how peculiarly delicious that my story be made public at the end of the Mayan calendar? For me, it certainly marks the end of one world - a world where my voice was silent, where there was 'bad stuff' to deal with, and where the fight was relentless. In its place is the new world. Where I am surrounded by love, peace and opportunities for continued growth.<br /><br />I don't know what this book will bring, but I hope beyond hope that it somehow manages to help others. I already know of one person it has helped even before it was published; so I guess in a way, whatever happens I've already achieved my goal. Anything else from this point forward can only be a bonus :-)<br /><br />Funnily enough, it seems that a Twitter trend for 21st December was "I'm Still Standing" in response to the end of the world prophecy. Another 'co-incidence' or another example of that bigger picture I spoke about earlier...?<br /><br />Of course I can't say for certain. But I <b><i>can</i></b> say, because I feel it in my bones, that 2013 is going to be one heck of a year. Not just for me, but for many of us. The wind of change is blowing. Things will be different. And I intend to play my part in consciously creating a better world. Out with pain and suffering, and in with speaking out and healing.<br /><br />Or as the late Vaclav Havel put it <i>"Truth and love must prevail over lies and hate"</i>.... Bring it on, and count me in. Because I, for one, am ready!<br /><br /><br />PS - What I forgot to say was that the official release date is noted as 18th December... my birthday. Curiouser and curiouser don't you think?<br /><br /><br /><div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/?px" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=65012506-0d82-44c4-a41d-c56ed7b21934" style="border: none; float: right;" /></a></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-80358075146573436392012-12-06T20:42:00.001+00:002012-12-06T20:42:52.309+00:00Orphans Make The Best Recruits<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DDZyE1jg1N0/UMDqUr2GqoI/AAAAAAAAASQ/p3aPe_PcGNA/s1600/Screen+Shot+2012-12-06+at+18.55.17.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DDZyE1jg1N0/UMDqUr2GqoI/AAAAAAAAASQ/p3aPe_PcGNA/s320/Screen+Shot+2012-12-06+at+18.55.17.png" width="236" /></a></div>Last night I went to see (and thoroughly enjoyed) the new James Bond film, <i>"Skyfall"</i>. Without giving away any of the plot, <i>"orphans make the best recruits"</i> is a line directed at Daniel Craig's 007. Delivered by the wonderful Judi Dench as M, the words struck me with such surprising force that I gasped out loud, instinctively clasping my hands to my mouth to muffle the sound. I had gone on my own, and I can tell you I felt more than a little embarrassed when people started looking my way to see what had caused the slapping sound!<br /><br />I missed the next couple of minutes while I tried to make sense of what had just happened. Where did that response come from? How had those words, out of the blue, had such an impact? What did it all mean? M's statement and my questions swam round and round my brain, slowly but surely connecting with and awakening something from deep within...<br /><br />Yes, as those who know me and my writing are already aware, my parents were both dead well before I reached seventeen - not still a child but not yet an adult. So it is easy to understand the immediate connection with the word 'orphan'. But it was more than that. Because suddenly, out of nowhere, I could identify with Bond's approach to his world. Now hold on a moment, I'm not saying that I'm some kind of secret agent, nor that I possess any special skills or super powers that could in any way liken me to 007. No, it's not that at all.<br /><br />What it is, though, is the realisation that being an orphan has, perhaps, made me much more prepared to take on battles - for others as well as for myself. With that comes a better understanding why others, perhaps, are less willing to push as much or as far as I do. It's fair to say that I am driven - some friends might even call me obsessive. That's why I'll consistently stand up for what I believe to be right. That's why I will not stay quiet when something needs saying. That's why I strive to help others tap in to their own inner strength. Last night, though, I realised with startling clarity that up until now I had felt more shameful of my early label than I had previously acknowledged. With that came the shocking realisation that despite all my efforts, I have been holding on to that shame in some way.<br /><br />I'll always remember 'the handbag scene' (as I call it) from the play <i>"The Importance Of Being Earnest" </i>when Lady Bracknell scathingly rebukes the title character on discovering he has no parents <i>"To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness!"&nbsp;</i>&nbsp;For my sins, I of course had been far worse than just careless; not only did I lose both parents, but I was also effectively disowned by the rest of my family as a result of my determination to fight for my sister. Goodness only knows what Lady Bracknell would have made of that...!<br /><br />When M's words shot out and grabbed inside me, shaking me by the scruff of the neck, I knew it was an important message. Thoughts and feelings tumbling over one another, I suddenly saw with cinematic clarity how it is that I refuse to give up. What it is that drives me to be the best I can, and to make the best of everything that comes my way. Why it is that I will fight to the death for something that I believe in.<br /><br />Until last night, though, I'm pretty sure there that somewhere deep down I had been somehow trying to 'make up' for being not quite complete. Striving to create a proper family, a nurturing home, authentic relationships and loving friendships to mirror the ones I knew in my early childhood. Don't get me wrong, I am still keen to enjoy all of those things in my life - but something has changed. The past few weeks have taken their toll on me for various reasons, and I have often found myself in a pretty dark space. I always say that the darkest hour is the one before dawn, and I am fully aware that recently I have been a pretty complex and sometimes difficult companion. Tears flow easily, and I am no stranger to staring face first in to the pit of despair. It doesn't scare me - I just thought that the answers might lie somewhere in the murky depths. But I think... hmmm.... nope, I <i>know</i>... that I have had an unexpected epiphany thanks to a line from a Hollywood movie. Funny, eh, how these things can just sneak up on people like that?<br /><br />I am no longer ashamed of my past. And, more to the point, I am actually proud of who I am and of what those experiences helped me become. Things happened, I can't change them... and now I see them as a blessing not a curse.&nbsp;I'm lucky to have the additional 'armour' that makes me a force to be reckoned with - it's who I am. Not who I was, or what I should or could have been... It's who I am right now.<br /><br />I don't need to search out the perfect family. I don't need to prove myself. I don't have to push myself to the limits just to prove that I'm good enough. There's no going back. It's frankly no good me looking to recreate the same love and safety I felt as a child. It's a futile search and I shall never find it - those days are long gone, and I am finally ready to let them go and accept a new reality of my own making. No comparisons. No measures. No attempts to recreate. Because things are different now.<br /><br />I am me. And yes, like James Bond, I had to grow up pretty darned quickly. Heck, those same experiences eventually made his character an international hero for goodness sakes! But you know what? I can't change my past, and I can't reclaim any perceived loss of childhood or innocence - and &nbsp;neither should I even think about wanting to do so. Because the fact is, I am who I am, and I believe that I'm blessed with the strength and determination that is a direct result of what happened. It means that I carry on regardless, knowing that I survived the worst. Each additional shockwave has only helped me to grow. That's why I'm one of the best recruits for this life...<br /><br />The difference, since yesterday, is that I am going forward <i>as</i> me and <i>for</i> me. It's ironic how regularly I encourage my clients to look ahead, to grasp the future with both hands. I have a sneaky feeling that perhaps I've been ever so slightly holding myself back and holding on to the past... Doh! Well no more. What's done is done, and I'm proud of who I am and the life I have lived until now. The past is indeed the past. It is buried and I am whole. And I am finally ready to step in to the new world.<br /><br />Mel Carnegie reporting for service - bring it on!Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-17349218228084092662012-11-27T13:19:00.001+00:002012-11-27T13:19:34.660+00:00New Endings<div class="" style="text-align: right;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator zemanta-img" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/22193699@N04/2350786617" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="LOVE and CARE for you , my Dearest!!!" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="240" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3202/2350786617_e817393ca6_m.jpg" style="border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; font-size: 0.8em;" width="182" /></a></div><div class="">Sitting here in my kitchen in France, I am pondering what may now lie ahead. The past few months have been, it's fair to say, a pretty strange ride even by my book - a case of fact being far stranger than fiction. But here I am now, facing another ending. This time it's the ending of what has been a good and healthy relationship, but one that has now run it's course. It's time to move on. I don't know what the future may hold, but I'm hoping that one day I will once again feel sunshine in my heart.</div><br />My time with Patrice has given me the opportunity to feel genuine love. To share. To honour boundaries. To be real. To trust feelings. To be open. To appreciate the humanness of two souls who came together and, I hope, gave and will continue to give enrichment to both our lives. From the very beginning we recognised that there were many differences between us - but through those differences we somehow found a middle ground where we both thrived.<br /><br />Was it too much to expect it could last for ever? Well, perhaps. And perhaps I have had my rose tinted glasses on for much of the time - or perhaps not. I don't know. And you know what? It doesn't matter.<br /><br />I do know that right from the start we have both been honest with each other, even though sometimes the honesty has not been easy. We have always said that we hoped we would both grow from this experience together. For me I know I have learned through this relationship that there are indeed 'good men' in this world - something that, perhaps, only now I can fully appreciate. Perhaps the scars from my ex had indeed run deeper than I had chosen to acknowledge - even to myself. For that was a relationship that (for me at least) seemed to be perfect, but turned out to be just a sham. Abandoned, betrayed and ashamed, there were many times I thought I'd never be able to pull through. But I did. And with Patrice I found the courage to once again open my heart - to him and to myself.<br /><br />But unlike the sudden finish of my marriage, this is a new kind of ending. Because this is a mutual (if painful) acknowledgement that our relationship has run it's course. We've come to the place where over recent weeks there has been more angst than peace, and more heaviness than light. Life is worth more than that - for both of us. So it's time to be honest and face the tough reality that it's time to move on. And so we're talking. We're crying. We're sharing. And we're working through the next steps. We'll support each other, and we will both find a better world.<br /><br />It isn't easy. But it's honest. And it's real. And I know that I'll carry with me all the happy memories of the good times we've had together for the rest of my life. In the words of Edith Piaf "Je ne regrette rien"<br /><br />Thank you, Patrice, with all of my heart.<br /> <div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/?px" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=8999cb7a-b817-44b9-b8f6-8e8e946ab357" style="border: none; float: right;" /></a></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-11942984389483845902012-11-24T15:11:00.000+00:002012-11-24T15:11:27.752+00:00"I Want" Doesn't Get...<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img" style="float: right; margin-right: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><div class="zemanta-img"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/99887995@N00/4229957797" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:right;"><img alt="Reaching" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="160" src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4069/4229957797_749a5fc89c_m.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="240" /></a></div></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 240px;">Reaching (Photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/99887995@N00/4229957797" target="_blank">JoelMontes</a>)</td></tr></tbody></table><div style="text-align: right;"></div>This was a phrase my mother used to repeat to me when I was a child. Kindly eyes and a smile always accompanied her words <i>"I want doesn't get, Melanie, you know that!"</i>&nbsp;Of course I can't be certain what she meant or understood by her words (I know for sure that it could only have been something positive) but what I can absolutely vouch for, wholeheartedly and from experience, is that this phrase, when taken by itself, holds a deep wisdom that is totally and utterly true - and more than that, it offers freedom. More of that later.<br /><br />At the time though, I remember taking it to mean that I couldn't ask for what I wanted. That the things I desired were out of my reach. That I didn't deserve them. That I was being a brat (like the spoilt and demanding Veruca Salt in Charlie And The Chocolate Factory) or too greedy (fuelled by the continuing belief that I was both fat and clumsy). So the result was that I felt shamed and hurt - and usually cross. Because I was being denied, and because I felt so stupid for asking in the first place.<br /><br />Funny, ain't it, how distance provides clarity? &nbsp;It's only looking back that I can recognise that sense of being 'not enough' was there way back in my early childhood. Yes, ok, it could be argued that there are completely understandable reasons why I would harbour such emotions at that time - and why I've subsequently worked so hard to come to terms with what happened in my formative years. I digress. Because my point is this - I reckon that my response back then is one that is shared by many others today when told that <i>"I want"</i> is something that rarely achieves the desired result.<br /><br />This is an observation that has been the subject of countless lively discussions - in both my professional and personal life. Because I've come to understand that when people (myself included) wish to improve something about their life experience, our automatic statement tends to be&nbsp;<i>"I want..."</i> followed by whatever the desire may be - a new relationship, a new job, a better home, a happier life, or just to get out of this mess... whatever it is that we feel needs changing. I can't count the number of times in my past when I have cried out in utter despair <i>"All I want is to be happy and to feel loved!"</i>&nbsp;Now, I realise, this is precisely where I started to go wrong.<br /><br />Why? Because far from bringing whatever the goal might be in to reality (although the desire was very real - excruciatingly real at times), that very statement of 'wanting' only heightened&nbsp;my personal experience of not having. I have read (and seen) countless motivational teachers telling their audience to focus on what it is they want. Encouraging them to state it loud and clear. To create passion around their wants. And then to make a plan to achieve it. Based on what I now understand, so far as I'm concerned all that does is create a whole heap of extra work - more work for the audience and more work for the motivational speaker (with my cynical hat on, I question whether this is perhaps deliberate in some cases). Because then people require guidance on how, exactly, to bring their goal in to fruition.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying there's anything wrong in having goals - far from it. What I <i>am</i> saying is that the <i>way</i> we often go about it is flawed from the start. From bitter (and valuable) experience, I've realised that the more we get clear on what it is we <i>want</i>, the more we create the experience of <i>not having</i>. We surround ourselves with a series of wants, which only confirms them as the very things we don't have. And the more we have the experience of not having, the more we feel <i>inadequate</i> in some way shape or form. The more we feel inadequate, the more we <i>diminish</i> who we are and the less likely it is that we'll experience the contentment we desire through achieving whatever it is we are seeking... and so it becomes a vicious circle. In other words&nbsp;<i>"a self-perpetuating process which returns to its starting point with no improvement from where it was begun"</i>&nbsp;Am I beginning to make sense here...?<br /><br />I don't profess to have the complete solution. But what I <i>am</i> saying right here, hand on heart, is that I believe a simple shift in the words we use can have a profound impact on our immediate internal response - and, therefore, an equally profound impact on the likelihood of achieving whatever it is we desire. No matter what that might be. It's taken me many years of frustration to reach this understanding.<br /><br />When it suddenly clicked in to place, I remember feeling a huge sense of relief - so much so that I actually started to laugh. A weight lifted from my shoulders, and I suddenly felt a sense of freedom. Like so many great truths, it's so simple and yet so elusive at the same time.<br /><br />I have learned that, rather than stating what it is I 'want' to happen (and therefore keeping whatever it is at arm's length - or even further away) it's much more helpful to link whatever it is to my present experience. It's about bringing the 'desire' in to current reality - in a way that is both supportive and authentic.<br /><br />I'm not talking here about positive affirmations. Nope - it's more than that. Affirmations encourage us to shift whatever it is we want in to a statement that affirms we already have it using language that is positive, personal and present tense. For example <i>"I want to lose weight"</i> becomes <i>"I am slim"</i>. Let me be clear here, I do believe there's a huge amount of value in affirmations. I used to work as a Louise Hay trainer, and affirmations have been (and continue to be) a great source of inspiration to me. But I also know from my own experience that merely stating something as a fact doesn't <i>automatically</i> mean that it's going to happen - because in many cases (well, certainly in my own case!) deep down we still don't actually believe it to be possible. So for me, the inner battle continued. It's fair to say that I've had a love/hate relationship with affirmations... more positive than negative I'd like to add, and I certainly acknowledge it as a methodology that has been hugely instrumental in my own development.<br /><br />Because it was through that process it first dawned on me that a shift in the way I described something (to myself and others) gave me a different experience - immediately. I realised that I actually had far more control over the way I felt than I had previously acknowledged. I came to learn that I could indeed shape my world <i>no matter what was happening</i> - and it gave me an immense sense of liberation.<br /><br />But that wasn't enough. Because, as I said earlier, the internal battle would often continue - no matter how many times or with how much conviction I would state my own affirmation <i>"I am loved and I am enough!"</i>&nbsp;it was, quite simply, a bridge too far. So I sought to find another solution. I explored belief change processes with NLP. I had a go with Breathwork techniques. I studied Reiki. I played with Hypnosis. I became a student of firewalking. And I loved every new practice I learned along the way - every one of which continues to add substance to what I do today.<br /><br />And through it all I discovered the resounding truth that the answer was here all along - within me. Yep. All those years of looking outside for the answer brought me right back to the place of origin - in the words of Joan Armatrading: Me, Myself, I<br /><br />Over time I've learned to listen to myself and take note of what I now acknowledge to be my internal guidance system. Rather than fight it or stubbornly affirm truths that aren't yet real truths, I've found a way to gently accept whatever it is that I 'want' by taking note of what's going on inside rather than observing what's happening outside.<br /><br />Because what I've&nbsp;learned, is that I can bring my desires in to reality much more easily - simply by becoming conscious of the way I talk about them. I've learned that it's about consciously finding a 'link' between the actual and the desired reality. It's about <i>already</i> accepting what it is I think I'd like to be, do or have - in a way that feels smooth, easy and natural. In other words, in a way that is accepted and believed by the whole of who I am, conscious and subconscious. Light and dark. Yin and yang.... however we choose to describe the richness of our human existence!<br /><br />The key, I've found, is in replacing "want" (along with "need" "have to" "should" "must" and any number of other such demanding expressions) with a word that is both neutral and supportive. From there, I can get clear on what is important. I found&nbsp;a great starting point is the verb "choose" because it fits the bill in the vast majority of cases. It maintains connection and there can be no subconscious argument. For example <i>"I want to get a better job"</i> becomes instead <i>"I <b>choose</b> to get a better job"</i>&nbsp;(rather than <i>"I have a better job"</i>&nbsp;as would be the case in an affirmation, which I would of course have fought against) just as <i>"I want to feel loved" </i>becomes instead <i>"I <b>choose</b> to feel loved"</i>. And wooo hooo... there it was! That simple linking word gave me the experience, the possibility, the <i>probability</i> that in actual fact it could be mine... because I suddenly <i>felt</i> it to be true. Somewhere deep within me I felt the innocence of curiosity - because suddenly I knew that I did indeed have the choice.<br /><br />Putting in the word <i>"choose"</i> rather than <i>"want"</i> gave me the freedom to feel it right there and then... and decide whether or not it really was something I 'wanted'. The weird thing has been, though, that quite often whatever the 'thing' was that I thought I wanted so much, actually became much less pressing as soon as it became linked to what I already am. Hence, as I said earlier, the sense of freedom and relief. Because from that point I came to understand that I really <i>could</i> choose - I could differentiate between what was really important and what was just mind-chatter. And if whatever it was still felt as important to me, then my next question became <i>"so how can I experience more of this"</i>&nbsp;by building on what I was <i>already</i> feeling. Very different from the task-driven step-by-step process to achieve a <i>"want"</i> goal that by definition I could never experience until it's achieved - so I could have no clarity in judging whether it was really something I'd like to have in my life, until I'd put in the hard work! Whereas <i>"choose"</i> goals suddenly allowed me the opportunity to experience the possibility and then develop solutions - a bit like those&nbsp;<i>"try before you buy" </i>mini paintpots, allowing you to check whether you're really going to like the effect at home before committing yourself to the colour you think you like in the shop.<br /><br />So my wise mother, as usual, was right all those years ago. I want doesn't get - it's so very true. But "I choose" can make all things possible, in ways that are safe, supportive, and real. <br /><br />And this is a technique that is oh so important to me right now. Why? Because the past few months have been a relentless roller-coaster of experiences and emotions - some of which I've already written about, others I will write about when the time is right. It's fair to say that I've had high highs and low lows, riding the waves and rolling with the punches. Now it's time for me to rest and regroup while things take their natural course. In past times I may well have resorted to the affirmation <i>"I'm full of energy and all is well!"</i>&nbsp;which, at a core level is absolutely the case. But I've also learned, that in moments when I'm feeling less than vibrant, it's perfectly ok to be that way. After all, the times when my son told me he was feeling unwell or tired, did I tell him to pull himself together and get on with it? Of course not. Well, these days the same goes for me.<br /><br />So while I might be feeling a little bruised and battle-weary, it's perfectly ok. I am choosing to look after myself - knowing that I am indeed loved and that I am (and always was) already enough. I'm choosing to let myself be, in whatever way is right for me right now - because that, it's true to say, is all that counts. And so it is that I 'want' for nothing, because I already am.<br /><br />Thanks, mum, for all the love and wisdom you gave me.<br /><br />Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-79078320226015759102012-09-26T15:40:00.000+01:002012-09-26T15:40:04.558+01:00Novel, Memoir, Or Something Completely Different?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yVf1bmh4Jxo/UGMMbwxqo1I/AAAAAAAAAQo/3AUu7z8o2h0/s1600/Thinking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="130" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yVf1bmh4Jxo/UGMMbwxqo1I/AAAAAAAAAQo/3AUu7z8o2h0/s200/Thinking.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div>Hmmmm... well now... so where do I go from here? I've been pondering the question of how to continue my writing and link it with my on-going quest to reach out to other people. The first book was (relatively) straight-forward, taking a few weeks to capture over four decades-worth of extreme ups and downs. It kind of wrote itself once I got going with it...<br /><br />I know in my heart though, that <i>"I'm Still Standing"</i> is only the beginning. I have a dream that one day I am able to stand up and speak to others on the subject of survival and healing from any situation, big or small - including life itself. It's a huge dream, and I sometimes wonder whether I'm kidding myself that I'll be able to achieve it. After all, there have been so many curve-balls threatening a number of previous hopes that perhaps this is another one that will eventually dissolve in to the ether. But somehow I don't think so. This is one that's been with me for more years than I care to remember - and in many ways I guess I've already been partly living that dream through the various training workshops I continue to run. I've learned a multitude of techniques that have helped me through the good times and the bad - many of which I am now fortunate enough to be able to pass on to my coaching clients within the corporate arena.<br /><br />But 'business' is only one aspect of what I'd like to be doing. I know there are many more people out there who I simply would never come in contact with during my professional career... and these are the people I would most like to connect with now. That's why I write for Lovefraud and that, after all, is also why I decided to write the book in the first place - to share my experiences in the hope that my story would resonate with others. In the not too distant future my book will finally hit the shelves (watch this space) and I am now considering my next steps. Is it too soon to be thinking this way? I'm not sure - but I don't think so. Surely it's better to be prepared?<br /><br />The question is, though, how exactly am I going to move forward from here. Even since finishing the book I &nbsp;have experienced quite an extraordinary set of events that would in themselves make a great follow-up. But is that the way to go? Should I continue writing about my own experiences, or would I be better creating a novel or two instead? Perhaps I can do a small second book of memoirs and at the same time craft some fiction stories based around what I already know to be true? Perhaps, on the other hand, I could start creating some speaking and workshop-type activities that can support the book? Perhaps I should just write a "How-To" manuscript that details my own self-coaching tools and techniques?<br /><br />I don't know... I don't know... But hey, you know what? When hit with the <i>"I don't know"</i>&nbsp;blocker, it's the time to start asking myself instead <i>"well ok, but supposing I DID know... then what?"</i> And that, to be honest is where I'm at - imagining that I do know exactly what my next steps are, and then feeling overwhelmed by the possible routes that lie ahead of me!<br /><br />Of course, there's then the other option of just doing nothing at all. Pulling back from this particular circus, and living a simple carefree life here in France. Hmmm.... do you think I'd last very long with that? Nope. I thought not.<br /><br />The fact is, whether I like it or not, I am driven to do this stuff - so simple is not for me. Carefree, yes, perhaps, because each new day I am feeling happier and more relaxed than I can remember being before. At the same time I am filled with a passion that burns inside me. I thrive in sharing with others that which I know can add value - and I'm learning more every day. Each new day brings its own set of challenges - in my world and also in the world of other people - so each day offers the opportunity to delve still deeper in to the field of learning and self-development.<br /><br />I always used to say that so long as there is a question mark over my head, then it means I'm alive and growing. The minute there are no more questions, then there is little left to life. I know, it probably sounds a bit OTT, but hey, that's just the way I see things.<br /><br />Well right now there are questions all over the place, and while at times I am finding myself feeling somewhat dazed and confused, in the main I reckon I'm slowly finding a way through. My dreams are alive and kicking, and I am ready. Now it's just a question of finding out which particular route really lights my fire... and after that, well, as I've learned from experience, the 'hows' tend to take care of themselves.<br /><br />Hhhmmmmm.... I wonder....<br /> <div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-51028686171205422742012-09-24T16:35:00.002+01:002012-09-25T16:24:51.649+01:00Lovefraud: Love After The Sociopath<br /><div style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 10px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 10px; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 1.2em; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 1.2em; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:DocumentProperties> <o:Template>Normal.dotm</o:Template> <o:Revision>0</o:Revision> <o:TotalTime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:Pages>1</o:Pages> <o:Words>1672</o:Words> <o:Characters>7192</o:Characters> <o:Company>TopBanana</o:Company> <o:Lines>124</o:Lines> <o:Paragraphs>24</o:Paragraphs> <o:CharactersWithSpaces>11707</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:Version>12.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing> <w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing> <w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery> <w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument></xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276"> </w:LatentStyles></xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]><style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-ansi-language:EN-US;} </style><![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vOigkUrF7w0/UGB9mEUVvDI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/D0sIDKkE6Oo/s1600/magic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vOigkUrF7w0/UGB9mEUVvDI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/D0sIDKkE6Oo/s200/magic.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 13pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:DocumentProperties> <o:Template>Normal.dotm</o:Template> <o:Revision>0</o:Revision> <o:TotalTime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:Pages>1</o:Pages> <o:Words>1676</o:Words> <o:Characters>7207</o:Characters> <o:Company>TopBanana</o:Company> <o:Lines>124</o:Lines> <o:Paragraphs>24</o:Paragraphs> <o:CharactersWithSpaces>11732</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:Version>12.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing> <w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing> <w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery> <w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument></xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276"> </w:LatentStyles></xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]><style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-ansi-language:EN-US;} </style><![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> </span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span lang="EN-US">I’m finally beginning to properly ‘get’ the age-old adage that life is a journey not a destination. Let me assure you, my particular journey continues to be filled with the most bizarre ups and downs, and I’m coming to realize that truth really is stranger than fiction – well, in my case at least.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"></span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span lang="EN-US">Many peculiar happenings and coincidences have been going on over the past few weeks, most of which I am not currently at liberty to share. When the time is right I will put pen to paper, but until then I’ve decided to fulfill my urge to write by focusing on my own personal experiences around the subject of love after the sociopath.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"></span><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span lang="EN-US">Being Human<o:p></o:p></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">As you’ll know if you read&nbsp;<a href="http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/08/28/my-brown-eyed-girl-life-does-continue-after-the-sociopath/"><span style="color: #7c1310; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">my last post</span></a>, I am now in a relationship with a wonderfully caring soul who is the polar opposite from my ex-husband. He’s been through his own tragedies, losing his previous partner to breast cancer. He is real, he has feelings, he cares and, most importantly, he is human. That means that like me, he has his failings. It means that his responses are not always perfect. Along with letting me know how much he loves me he also freely shows his confusion, demonstrates his hurts, and tells me when he feels in any way upset.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">My own responses though, I am coming to learn, often stem from learned behaviours that I came to know from my time with my so called soulmate. Life with him was so darned perfect that there was never a cross word nor anything that caused me to even consider that our relationship was anything other than a dream come true. That dream, of course, turned out to be a living nightmare – but I didn’t know that at the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">So when Patrice (my Frenchman who speaks no English) becomes quiet or reserved, I instantly question his motives – wondering whether he, like my ex, is trying to manipulate or control me. Of course when my ex was around, I had no such internal guidance or red flags. I just took everything that he showed me to be true, and I continued to shower him with unconditional love. By the time his mask was slipping, I was so far hooked in to his trap that I believed his strange behaviour must be due to something I was doing wrong. And I responded by showing even more love and understanding, opening my heart and soul even wider to embrace and reassure him, so that he would know without question that I loved him wholly and completely. I thought that was what marriage was all about – my ability to love him through whatever issues or problems he was facing, choosing to show more love in the face of his increasingly irrational put-downs and snide remarks.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span lang="EN-US">Trust Without Naivety<o:p></o:p></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">From the beginning, the only thing I have promised Patrice is complete honesty – and that is what he gets. In barrow-loads! I continue to do my best to explain to him why I am no longer that naively trusting soul. To clarify why when there is something that happens to concern or rattle me – no matter how small – I will not brush it under the carpet. Instead I will meet it head on, gently in the most parts, and get to understand what it is all about.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">The first few times this happened, I felt myself shutting off to him – and I told him so in no uncertain terms. I guess in hindsight mine was probably a pretty harsh comeback when all he was doing from his point of view was sharing his frustrations. For me, it was also incredibly challenging to really speak up for myself. To ‘go there’ when the circumstances seemed in many ways to be fairly petty. But I did it because I felt there was no point if I kept quiet – where is the honesty in keeping a painted smile?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">And I’m pleased that I’ve learned to do this. I’m proud of myself for questioning every tiny misunderstanding, so that together we can understand, learn and lay solid foundations. This is the first time in my life that I’ve felt able to behave in this way with someone who is so close to me. So what has changed?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span lang="EN-US">Courage To Be Real<o:p></o:p></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Well, I think that once again it’s an opportunity for me to feel gratitude for all the unpleasant and sometimes downright ghastly experiences that I’ve encountered over my life so far. When I became an orphan I quickly learned how to fit in, shut up, put up and stay quiet – in short how to become invisible. I learned to ignore my own cries for help, and to push down my feelings of pain and loneliness. In their place I chose instead to focus on understanding and helping others – little realizing that through doing that I was simply pushing my own identity further and further within me, until I didn’t even know who I was. Oh yes, I had a mask of my own. But my mask, unlike that of the sociopath, was one created for survival. One that hurt nobody else but myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">The mask of the sociopath, on the other hand, is a carefully crafted guise of love and devotion, designed to disable their target so they bend to their every twisted whim and manipulation. Is it any wonder that I fell so completely, hook line and sinker, for his practiced act of adoration and love? Having been starved of such connections for so many years, my ex was like a breath of fresh air. I truly felt that I had come home, and that life would be forever rosy. Looking back I can’t help but have a wry smile, realizing that I must have been a particularly easy target for him. They talk about rose-coloured spectacles… well, mine must have caused me to be blind, deaf and dumb to his scheming ways. I was so wrapped up in the dream of finally finding happiness that I simply couldn’t see what was right under my nose.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">It’s only in recent years that people have shared with me their own views on my ex-soulmate. I’ve heard many words to describe the man I thought was handsome, charming, charismatic, and the life and soul of the party. Opinions such as ‘cheesy’ ‘fake’ ‘annoying’ ‘a braggart’ and many more are now being voiced by the people who knew him. When I ask why they didn’t tell me at the time, I receive the perfectly reasonable reply that they didn’t think it was any of their business. That I was quite clearly in love and happy with this person, so they didn’t want to rain on my parade.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span lang="EN-US">I Still Believe In Magic<o:p></o:p></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Hmmmm…. My own worst enemy? Well, perhaps so… but only now with the insights I have learned through my own journey to recovery. Do I blame myself? Far from it! I am deeply proud of what I have survived – and I also believe that it was because of my stubborn belief in magic that I didn’t allow myself to go down when all around me was falling to pieces. Ironically, I now believe that it was those very same characteristics that kept me so blinkered to his ways (including my innocent belief in love and happy ever after) that eventually proved to be my salvation. Through the bleakest days weeks and months following the meltdown, I still held strong to my conviction that everything would work out in the end – even though there were many times when it would have seemed the more sensible option was to just give up and give in.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I remember consistently telling people that if I could feel so in love and so fulfilled with someone who was nothing more than a conman, then when a real man came in to my life, the experience could only be many times better! I confess that for a long time this was more of a mantra than a strongly held conviction – but you know what? It has worked wonders for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Because now, in the company of Patrice, I am able to check and double-check on everything that happens between us. I can ask what’s wrong when he seems to be less bouncy than usual. I can speak up for myself if I feel he’s being unreasonable. I can ask what he’s feeling when he seeks reassurances. I can tell him I need space when I feel too squashed. And I can let him know every time he makes me feel like a princess – and that feels great.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">So, no, it ain’t always easy being in a ‘real’ relationship after the false perfection that I knew for so long. But goodness knows it’s healthy and it’s honest. And through continued talking, sharing, hugging and learning about each other, I am feeling more settled, safe and loved than ever before in my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Does it mean I’m going to become a pushover with him? Heck no! I shall probably keep questioning even the smallest details for however long we stay together. I refuse to say ‘forever’ anymore, because the last time I did that I lost any hope of remembering who I really was. Nope. This time it is day by day, and let me tell you that right now, with each day that passes, this particular relationship is more fulfilling, exciting, rewarding, challenging, and loving than anything I ever experienced with my ex.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">As I said at the start of this post, I am finally appreciating the joys of life’s journey. I do not need to focus on a destination, because I will never be ‘there’… I am here. And here is exactly the right place for me right now. However long this particular ‘now’ lasts doesn’t even matter in the grand scale of things. Because whatever happens in the future, I know I am at last able to be true to myself and to those around me.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">So in actual fact the real love I’ve found is love for myself – and with that, no-thing and no-one can ever harm me again. As Patrice keeps saying to me&nbsp;<i>“que des bonnes choses maintenant”</i>&nbsp;which means&nbsp;<i>“only good things now”</i>&nbsp;– and you know what? I fully agree.</span></div><!--EndFragment--></span></div><div style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 10px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 10px; float: left; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 11px; padding-bottom: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><ins style="border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; display: inline-table; height: 250px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; position: relative; visibility: visible; width: 300px;"></ins><ins style="border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; display: inline-table; height: 250px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; position: relative; visibility: visible; width: 300px;"></ins></div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-39514750834725021492012-08-23T16:09:00.000+01:002012-09-11T16:54:31.580+01:00My Brown Eyed Girl<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vytydQFSRpM/UCtrBl41xbI/AAAAAAAAAP4/t6nimiBe_1c/s1600/images-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vytydQFSRpM/UCtrBl41xbI/AAAAAAAAAP4/t6nimiBe_1c/s1600/images-1.jpeg" /></a>It felt so deliciously peaceful just floating there in the nothingness. The noisy mind-chatter all but disappeared, I was happily allowing myself to drift off to sleep, enjoying the half-way-ness of being here, there and nowhere in particular. It was Thursday 9th August, and I was staying in Gloucester with my dear friends Sarah and Kevin. With me was Patrice, a wonderfully kind and loving Frenchman that I have been seeing for a few months. I'd been rather distant with him for the past few days, and was concerned that I didn't understand my feelings towards him. I'd been pondering our relationship as I dozed off to sleep, and that was the moment when she came to me.<br /><br />I sensed her way before I saw her, feeling her presence floating up from somewhere below me... a rich, deep soul filled with love and laughter. And then, down to my left, a beautiful pair of treacle brown eyes appeared in the distance. They were searching - open, smiling, but not quite certain. I looked down to meet her gaze, and smiled at the mass of unkempt chocolatey curls that framed the most beautiful face. She stopped moving towards me when I smiled and just stayed there, hovering, questioning - was she shy? Was she nervous? Looking in to her eyes, I somehow knew what she was asking. In the silence that hung between us I told her&nbsp;<i>"It's OK. I've got you. You're safe"</i> Her&nbsp;smile broadened, and I felt the most enormous surge of love and connection between us. I asked her who she was. It was unclear at first, but slowly the letters appeared and the sounds formed.... Maddy. She let me know that her name was Maddy. And that she loved me.<br /><br />The following day, two clear lines in the window of the tester stick confirmed what I already knew to be true. That at the age of 47 I was four weeks pregnant.<br /><br /><i>"I knew I was!"</i> I burbled to Sarah, who was there with me - and who actually checked the result for me because I'd been too nervous to look myself!&nbsp;<i>"I just knew it! What on earth am I going to do?"</i> Screams, questions, tears and an overwhelming sense of joy danced and crashed around together inside me, and I burst in to tears. I knew instantly that any idea of termination was out of the question, &nbsp;so it was a matter of getting used to the idea and finding out how I really felt. Sitting on a bench outside just a few moments later, I called my friend Anna in France. Checking first whether she was sitting down, I blurted out the news. <i>"You'll never believe it... But I'm pregnant!"</i> And with that it all became real. She was the first person I had told the news to - and now that the news was shared, it made it reality. Although the tears were flowing and I was still shaking with the shock, Anna's response brought a smile to my face <i>"Well, what a wonderful gift"</i> she enthused <i>"and you and Patrice will make wonderful parents!"</i><br /><br />Patrice was overjoyed with the news - surprised, yes, but absolutely delighted. The more I got used to the idea, the happier I became. Me, a mother again, when I honestly thought any possibility of producing a sibling for Dylan was way behind me. I felt incredibly blessed, and determined to to everything possible to protect the little soul that was growing inside me.<br /><br />A couple of days later I returned to France, and collected Dylan from the train station. He'd been staying with friends and of course I hadn't &nbsp;wanted to tell him the news until we were face to face. Naturally concerned about how he may react, I was overjoyed to find that he was as happy as me - he was delighted by the idea that he was going to be a big brother! I knew the baby was a little girl, and I shared with Dylan my story about Maddy - far from being sceptical, he gave me the hugest cuddle and said he was looking forward to meeting his sister. My own sister was also pleased for me, and with every passing hour I felt more filled with joy and wonderment as the miracle continued to unfold in front of me.<br /><br />Then just last Wednesday, and with no warning, I started to bleed. Only a small amount at first, but then quickly building as the cramps set in. I was losing Maddy. It was the same day that Dylan was packing to leave home, and it felt to me that I was losing two children in one fell swoop. It may make little sense, but although I had only known I was pregnant for less than a week, it felt like my entire world was falling apart. That evening, together with Patrice, I sobbed and wailed for my unborn baby. I had never appreciated the pain of a miscarriage - both emotional and physical - and simply was not prepared for the strength of overwhelming sadness that hit and hit again with relentless force.<br /><br /><i>"I don't know what bloody contract my soul signed before I was born"</i> I sobbed to Ruth and Anna who had come the moment I realised what was happening <i>"but I clearly didn't read the flippin small-print! I just can't do this roller-coaster any more. I just can't..."</i><br /><br />But of course I could. And I did. The past week has been, quite frankly, absolutely ghastly. I dealt relatively quickly with the emotional onslaught, but physically it's been just horrid. I had never appreciated just how debilitating it is to experience a miscarriage, and my heart bleeds for those women who lose unborn children at a much later stage than my relatively insignificant four weeks. My body doesn't know what it's doing, my hormones are all over the place, and I am physically and emotionally exhausted.<br /><br />As with everything else, though, this experience has brought me unexpected gifts. I have learned so much - about myself and the wonderful people who are around me - and I feel more blessed now than I did before Maddy's appearance. She has brought this to me, and while I may never hold her in my arms, I will always hold her in my heart.<br /><br />Now I know without doubt that Patrice and I have a real chance of creating a wonderful future together. There is no need for me to hide or be scared anymore - he's not Cam. And he's going nowhere. On paper it may seem an unlikely proposition - he doesn't speak a word of English, he's 11 years younger than me, and until a couple of weeks ago had never left the country. But at the same time, he's the kindest, most gentle and genuine person I've ever met - and we get on like a house on fire.<br /><br />As well as that, I also know that despite my age, I would very much like to have another child. Whether or not it's going to be possible, who knows. The hospital has already warned me of the dangers of pregnancy for older women - both for mother and for child. But hey, life's about love, miracles and hope isn't it? And goodness knows I'm now ready and willing to accept and experience all of the good stuff.<br /><br />So, now my focus will be on looking after myself - properly. And that means shifting some weight, taking up exercise, eating healthily and allowing myself to be loved and cared for by a man who may just possibly turn out to be the person I grow old with. And with a bit of luck, we may yet be able to welcome a new soul in to the world.<br /><br />Thank you, Maddy, my beautiful brown eyed girl - in such a short period of time, you've had a profound effect on my life. I love you.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/08/28/my-brown-eyed-girl-life-does-continue-after-the-sociopath/" target="_blank">Re-worded for Lovefraud, link here</a>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687081126236529270.post-51316849480906730812012-08-07T17:40:00.000+01:002012-08-07T17:40:05.967+01:00Lovefraud: Keep Shining, Beautiful Ones<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CzLVjTZg9kU/UCFEy9MQXPI/AAAAAAAAAPg/8XjSNuLmWHU/s1600/sunsky.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CzLVjTZg9kU/UCFEy9MQXPI/AAAAAAAAAPg/8XjSNuLmWHU/s200/sunsky.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">This week I saw a quote on Facebook that spoke to me loud and clear&nbsp;<em>“Keep shining, beautiful ones. This world needs your light”</em>&nbsp;– because it immediately made me think of everyone here on Lovefraud. I imagined each and every beautiful person who reads and contributes to the site, and as I did so, my heart warmed and prompted a smile… and moist eyes.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Why did I think of this community? Because I truly believe that our experiences ultimately help all of us to shine more brightly as a result. At the same time, I fully appreciate that this notion may still seem to many to be a long way off, or even an impossibility to some people here – perhaps that was what prompted the tears? Well, that together with an overwhelmingly strong (yet clearly unrealistic) urge to reach out and show those people the future. A future where you are reclaimed and reconnected with your beautiful true self – and burning brightly as a beacon of hope that helps others find their way out of the darkness.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong>Blessings In Disguise</strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong><br /></strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">For three and a bit years since I realised that my ‘dream’ relationship was a nightmare in disguise, I have come to the place where I view my encounter as a blessing. Blessings that, at the time, were heavily camouflaged... absolutely. Painful beyond description... heck yes. Soul-shatteringly destructive, leaving me broken, exhausted, humiliated, knocked out, wiped out and on the floor... yep, you got it. Words, it appears, particularly now as I look back over what happened, seem totally inadequate when describing the hollow darkness of the weeks and months that followed my own discovery.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Like so many of us here, how can any living person be expected to function after their soul has been ripped out, stamped on and thrown out with the rubbish – whilst at the same time realizing that the architect of their downfall has been smirking during the whole process…? When explaining my own experiences, people have asked me how I survived. I remember asking myself the same question myself at my lowest times – I also remember sinking so far down that I even considered the alternative to survival….</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">The thing is, though, I have come to realize that if people can live through such horrendous times (and all of us here on the site are indeed living – although some days may actually feel like ‘barely hanging on by a thread’) then surely….&nbsp;<em>surely</em>… as we come through the other side we must come to truly appreciate the strength of our spirit, and be proud of who we are? Surely we must reach a place where we can recognize the energy, focus, determination and love it took to come through…?</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong>The Inner Light</strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><strong><br /></strong></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">I have noticed that there is a light that comes from people who have successfully overcome adversity – in any shape or form, large or small, physical or mental. Yes, they also carry the battle scars, of course. But the thing that speaks most clearly for me is the determined light that shines from within. It shows in their eyes, and it can be heard in their voice. There is something subtle, inviting, and thoroughly human about these people that cannot help but inspire.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">We only have to look at the upcoming Paralympics to recognize the shining light of determination and passion in every athlete who has worked to overcome physical difficulties. On the other hand there are countless newspaper stories about people who have survived murder attempts, wars, violence and all manner of human cruelty. People who have subsequently gone on to live fulfilling lives and who quietly encourage others in the process. Then there are the ‘everyday angels’ – people who put themselves out to care for others who are in need. There are also survivors of life-threatening diseases. Then there is everyone here in the Lovefraud community – and others like us. People who are in various stages of waking up to the nightmare… and journeying through to the other side.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">It’s true, I know, that not everyone makes it this far – so already we are the lucky ones. And as we continue sharing our stories, supporting and guiding each other, and helping to educate others… so we continue to heal and we continue to become brighter. As I said in last week’s post, we are the ones who know, who ‘get it’ and who are already reaching out to others facing confusion and pain at the hands of a disordered personality – whatever the relationship.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">It was reading though the countless posts and comments on this particular site in 2009 that helped me to make sense of the madness. That helped me realize I was not alone. That prompted me to find out as much as I possibly could about the little understood subject of sociopathy. Even though I could feel the pain in so many of the comments, at the same time I also felt inspired that people were able to share their experiences, and reach out to others for help and support.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">It was this very community who, three years ago, played a major role in saving my life and easing me back on track. Your lights were shining strong to me then – your examples showed me the way, and you continue to shine today. Thank you.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">I am deeply grateful for being a part of this community. And I know beyond any doubt that we are all beautiful. I also know that in our own ways each of us are indeed already shining our light, helping to brighten a world that is crying out to awaken from the darkness.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">So.... Keep shining, beautiful ones. This world continues to need your light.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">With love, light and gratitude to all :-)</div>Mel Carnegie (PLEDGER)http://www.blogger.com/profile/09077769602522141163noreply@blogger.com0