Kardashian Dynasty: Part Four

So Kim filed for divorce after a scant 72 days and the public response was… harsh. Everyone from Jon Hamm to Reese Witherspoon threw shade at Kim and her family for the lack of “reality” in all of their ventures.

snl’s nasim pedrad as kim was fantastic. image source: azcentral.com

After a producer on KUWTK was deposed by Kris Humphries’ attorneys admitted that whole scenes for the show were scripted or re-created, the backlash intensified. What had once been a vapid form of entertainment had become the epitome of what many felt was wrong with America: rampant consumerism and the glamorization of celebrity and fame as a “job.”

so relatable! Just your everyday woman. image source: giphy.com

When Paris Hilton reached peak enemy number one status in the media, her decline was swift and soon she was really only reported on in other countries. Kris Jenner was not about to let that shit happen to Kim and her little brood of cash cows. Those eyelash extensions, self-tanners and books are not going to brand themselves! Imagine how exhausting it must be to have Kris Jenner as a mom.

KRIS: what are you going to do tonight, sweetie?

YOU: I’m pretty wiped from the week, I think I’m going to stay in and binge watch season four of Orange is the New Black.

KRIS: Oh that’s hilarious, insert-K-name-here!

YOU: Not really, I need a night off.

KRIS: You are SUCH a jokester! Anyway, you have an interview with Extra! in fifteen minutes about your baby perfume line, then it’s off to Ryan Seacrest’s dog’s cat fashion show at The Grove, then a red-eye to New York to film Kourtney and Scott’s break- wait, Sam? Can you check? Are Kourtney and Scott breaking up or getting back together? Breaking up? Okay, great, thanks. To film Kourtney and Scott’s break up and then you have to tweet about your fabulous new waist trainer, lung whitener and then an Insta about the detox eCigs, and then you will have 45 minutes of sleep before you have a brunch meeting with our Midwest branding team about why we are flailing with the 11-15 demo in Kansas. So you better get into glam, insert-K-name-here! RIGHT NOW!

YOU: Yes, Ms. Jenner. I mean, Mom.

no, seriously. get the FUCK INTO HAIR AND MAKE-UP NOW. I brought you into this brand and I can take you out of it. image source: giphy.com

SO Kris had Kim pull back a bit and lay low until the public didn’t hate her again. This seemed to do the trick and then Kim had another trick up her sleeve to distract viewers from her seeming fake-marriage: a new relationship with someone even more high profile than she was, rapper Kanye West.

look, Kim! Talent! image source: giphy.com

Even though both were deemed pretty unlikeable at the time, after it became clear that KimYe (barf) was more than a publicity stunt (or at the very least, one with a much later expiration date than Kris Humphries), the public generally accepted that they were a real couple. Even with the backlash from the 72 day marriage, Kris’s failed talk show and various other PR disasters, it became apparent that the Kardashian family was not going away any time soon.

why god, whyyyyyyyy? image source: giphy.com

Next up, OJ comes up again, this time as the rumored biological father of Khloe Kardashian. Khloe’s paternity has always been discussed as she doesn’t look like Kim or Kourtney and doesn’t resemble Robert Kardashian at all. Plus, Kris Jenner was a ho by her own admission.

vintage kris is living her best life. image source: giphy.com

Halperin once again goes undercover and attempts to contact OJ in jail by pretending to want to shoot a documentary about his time behind bars. Unfortunately, OJ’s camp never responds to the request. On Keeping up with the Kardashians, several family members ask Khloe if she wants to find out if Robert Kardashian was really her biological father, but she brushes them off and says that for all intents and purposes, he was her dad. This is so Maury and I can’t imagine what this whole mess is like for Khloe. What if OJ Fucking Simpson could potentially be your father?

I mean… what would that do to your psyche? image source: popkey.co

After analyzing how Kris managed to take the family from almost nothing and turn it into a billion dollar brand, Halperin gives her some grudging respect. He praises her business sense and marketing efforts, but then (naturally) brings up the troubling effects that insta-fame and fortune have had on all of the children, but Rob in particular.

I feel you, rob. image source: giphy.com

Given the enormous success of all of his sisters, Rob definitely felt like the red-headed step child in a family full of large-bottomed business goddesses. After Khloe and Lamar split in 2014, Rob went completely into a tailspin. Even PR master Kris Jenner couldn’t hide the fact that Rob had gained a ton of weight and had started completely withdrawing from the family.

Up next, in what I promise will be THE FINAL installment of this Kardashian sage, we get introduced to a hot little number named Caitlyn…