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Meatbags beware: the App Store’s most popular sadistic artificial intelligence is back. CARROT Fit, a brand new app from the creator of the to-do and alarm clock apps in the CARROT family, was launched today.

The latest addition to the CARROT family is designed to help you get your massive bloated body into something resembling a respectable shape.

When I installed CARROT Fit, I had some idea of what to expect based on my experience with previous CARROT apps. I had already seen screenshots of the app, but I was still (pleasantly) caught off-guard by just how snarky and rude it was.

For example, when you first start the app, it will attempt to detect your weight automatically. Suffice it to say the estimation is… less than flattering. After entering your realweight, you have to choose an avatar for yourself. There are many to choose from, but selecting the wrong one will result in mocking.

Every single line of dialogue in the app is spoken aloud using iOS 7’s text-to-speech functionality, keeping the app’s filesize small while allowing CARROT to audibly harass you at every chance.

On the functionality side, the app is very solid. In the settings page you can (optinally) enter your height to get your body mass index. From the log page, you can set a weight goal and track your weight over a month, a three-month period, or a full year.

Once you’ve finished setting everything up, you can check in daily with your updated weight to earn rewards (or threats!) from CARROT.

More fitness-focused additions are planned for the app in the future, according to the developer. These updates will include a six-minute workout and 5K.

As with the entire CARROT family, you can tap around the app to find little touches and easter eggs that make the app that much more enjoyable.

I used Carrot Alarm for two months.
The first one was pretty funny, but the second was a nightmare…
I got traumatized.
I was scared now just by hearing the same sounds from the video and remembering how terrible it was.

I don’t see how this could possibly work. The app has no way of knowing your weight unless you weigh yourself and then type it in so in other words … the app will never *really* know your weight. The app also can’t tell what you are eating and even if it allows you to take pictures of your food like those other apps, that actually doesn’t work in terms of being able to tell what you are eating. It can’t know your weight, you BMI, your caloric intake, or any of that stuff without you telling it, so how is it any different than simply watching what you eat and exercising some minimal amount. It’s basically just a sassy talking notepad.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that “sassy” is always fun. I just don’t see how any of this will help the average person lose weight. The app isn’t actually *doing* anything, even though it kind of implies in it’s marketing that it’s actually working miracles. Seems vaguely fraudulent IMO.