BMW X5 M: Unnecessary but desirable

One of the absolute strangest car segments on the market is the Uber SUV. Not that that’s the technical name for the segment, but that’s …

One of the absolute strangest car segments on the market is the Uber SUV. Not that that’s the technical name for the segment, but that’s what we’ll call it. These massively powerful SUVs have enough power to tow a Nimitz Class aircraft carrier, enough cargo space to fit a baby elephant and a price tag similar to that of small homes. These are vehicles of excess, plain a simple. But that’s what’s so endearing about them. A chicken salad is more than adequate to relieve hunger, but isn’t it much more enjoyable to have a double bacon cheeseburger, fries and a shake? Of course it is.

So BMW has given us that fatty delicious cheeseburger but in the form of the X5 M.

The BMW X5 M defies the laws of both physics and logic. It’s a massive luxury SUV with miles of leather, a 4.4 liter TwinPower 567 hp V8 and a six-figure price tag during a time when fuel prices are higher than ever, emissions regulations are stricter than ever and when the economy isn’t so hot. It can do 0-60 in 3.8 seconds, which is about as fast as a Corvette Stingray, while hauling five people in supremely comfortable heated leather seats. It can also handle a racetrack with the same verve as a much smaller, lighter sports car. This SUV shouldn’t exist in Newton’s world of physics, but it does.

But brutish speed isn’t it’s only party trick. It’s also quite comfortable, with gorgeous Full Merino Leather, aluminum and carbon fiber everywhere. The seats have garnered praise from just about every bottom that’s rested in them, the rear seats are also comfortable and quite spacious, making the X5 M a pretty good family hauler as well. The ride is also decent for something with stiff suspension and 21” wheels. The run-flat tires makes the road noise a bit excessive and potholes feel like craters, but the ride is smoother than one would think a 5,300 lb SUV with sports suspension would have.

The original BMW X5 M, built on the second-generation X5, was a good car. But this new X5 M is a fantastical car, and I mean that in the sense that it’s the stuff of fantasy. If you were to ask the average American what their dream car was, they’d give you the specs of an X5 M. Sure, it’s ludicrously expensive, gets appalling gas mileage (Car and Driver observed an average of 13 mpg) and makes almost zero sense, but it’s incredibly appealing. So the BMW X5 M isn’t necessary in any way, shape or form. But just like the double bacon cheeseburger it’s extremely desirable.