Monday, June 4, 2007

9: 00- (Orbitz) Dirtiest Mouth Moment? The sum total of nothing. Clerks 2. Why not. Though, I do like Kevin Smith. Every time I’m ready to write Kevin Smith off as a hack, I catch him in an interview and I immediately respect him again. The latest was his talking head in This Film Is Not Yet Rated.

9: 05- Cast of License to Wed. Krasinski and Moore! Krasinski looks like a baby. And an emo boy. I can’t wait for him to do something that’s not squeaky clean. Best Comedic performance. Emily Blunt. A million times Emily. It’s probably Ferrell. Nope, it’s Borat. He’s mocking the skanky starlets. Well somebody had to. Oh, Krasinksi. I want to climb you like a tree.

Commercials. Nothing of note.

9: 14- Ooh, a parody of the celeb PSA for One. Boratitis, the involuntary act of imitating Borat. Unfortunately, this loses all satire credibility with the inclusion of Trump. Love Aaron Eckhart, though. Rhianna’s not wearing a shirt, y’all. She’s not even pretending to wear a shirt.

9: 15- And Cameron’s not wearing pants. Oh right, she was in Shrek. This is the Mike Myers presentation. Cameron can’t read. Does she need glasses? She really can’t read. Or deliver this speech. Maybe she’s high, too. Mike Myers has been in four movies. And three of them were a franchise. Generation Award. That’s what he’s getting. For generating a large body of work? Because see above: re: franchise. For representing a generation? Because Ben Stiller called and he wants his fucking award. Is it intentionally unclear because they don’t know why the hell Mike Myers is getting an award? Circle gets the square. And hey, he just cribbed a joke from Reality Bites. That about sums it up.

Commercials. I will forever love and adore Lauren Graham for Gilmore Girls, but she has got to get some better movies. She’s entering Jessica Biel territory.

9: 27- Sam Jackson hates everyone in this room. Amateur Spoof Award. Seriously, these were the best of the best? He has such contempt for this award. As well he should. The winner is United 300. The director just mispronounced ‘tyranny’. His parents and wife are embarrassed. He should’ve written something. Beyond that last line. Which was ok.

9: 30- Welcome back, Bruce Willis. And he’s actually dressed to present this time. Amy Winehouse sings Rehab. I didn’t know this was a real song until I heard it in its entirety on the radio. She looks like a drag queen dressed as a baby prostitute. This is not that great. I don’t know if she’s normally good, but, like, compared to Christina or whoever, Amy’s comatose. Stacey Ferguson’s bemused. I think Amy’s anorexic. Eh.

Commercials. I will forever love and adore John Cusack for Grosse Pointe Blank, but he has got to get some better movies. He’s entering Lauren Graham territory.

9: 38- Aw, Seth Rogen. No Katie Heigl? Everyone needs to see Knocked Up! And then Netflix Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared and realize Judd Apatow is an underrated genius! Best Movie You Haven’t Seen Yet. WTF? This is really just an excuse to further fellate Transformers, isn’t it? Yes, it is. Shia LaBeouf has aged twenty years since the show began. Michael Bay sucks. They’re all high.

Commercials. Is Trishelle famous now? Do we have to acknowledge Trishelle as an actual celebrity?

9: 46- Andy Samberg’s onstage for a second. He’s not even allowed to plug Hot Rod.

9: 47- Transformers guys. They’re here again? Best Performance. Johnny Depp wins. Wow, he’s there. Glad he could leave 1991 to join us. He seriously has a flannel tied around his waist. That’s awesome. FYI, not a single woman won an award this year. Not one. MTV hates women.

Commercials. More Transformers exclusives. Oh, and now a trailer. And a commercial. And another trailer. In 2007, Michael Bay made Transformers. Everything that was not Transformers ceased to exist.

9: 58- And it’s over. And it sucked. Even more than I thought it would. Tune in next year when Transformers sweeps every category and the MTV Movie Awards slips further and further into total cultural irrelevance.

So, I am attempting this whole liveblogging thing for tonight mostly because if I don’t type while the Awards are airing, I’ll never get the motivation to synthesize my thoughts and actually post. (I actually had to Google 'liveblogging' to make sure I had the definition right. So far as I can tell, it’s blogging with time stamps so I’m going to go with that.)Disclaimer: I haven't watched this show in a few years, but I have very fond memories of W.B. kids, ironic awards, timely satire, and a fantastic opening sequence that featured Kirsten Dunst and Jimmy Fallon recreating the music video for Don't Tell Me. I'm not really expecting that level of Awesome, but I am curious what MTV's been up to these last few years.

Judging from the Red Carpet Preshow, there’s a strange paradox occurring wherein the Movie Awards are nearly ten years past their prime and I’m a good five years too old for them, and yet, the preshow appears to be amateur night in Dixie. Has MTV ever produced anything ever? Awkward transitions, sloppy cuts, lost sound, and interview interruptus. Why are their VJs behaving as though they’ve never been on camera? Suchin Pak is collecting social security at this point; she should know better. The guy (Jim? Tim? Tom?) I don’t recognize so maybe he’s new. He’s desperately trying to not offend Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf is high. And in his thirties. Seriously, he’s ten years older than me. Oh, a Transformers Exclusive (*spoiler alert* there are a lot of these tonight) Heh. Michael Bay is articulating the “plot” of Transformers. Let’s not pretend there’s an actual plot. He just said the word “real” eight times in two sentences. Regarding Transformers. Ironic, no? No Name Ingenue just said it’s the biggest movie she’s ever been a part of. It’s bigger than nothing? Really? Why has Spielberg yoked himself to this insult to storytelling? I wonder if LaBeouf is Spielberg’s bastard child. Oh, NNI was a Maxim cover girl. Transformers is bigger than the cover of Maxim. Alert the media. It turns out unknown VJ (Tim!) is new. Well, there ya’ go.

Truthfully, some other stuff happened during this preshow besides Transformers pimping. But you’ll soon come to realize that none of it matters. Paris Hilton completely got the kid glove treatment, Lauren Conrad and her Hills hos went shopping, and I think Jay-Z popped up for a second. Crappiest preshow ever! There were about two seconds of awesome courtesy of Mandy Moore, John Krasinski, and Jessica Alba. That’s how low this show has sunk. Jessica Alba stands out as awesome.

Aaaaaaand...Awards Show!

8: 00- Sarah Silverman! She’s talking to a dog. Well, it was the Year of the Dog. Think how much cooler this show would already be were they parodying Year of the Dog right now instead of, wait for it...Transformers. How droll. Man, Silverman’s already reaching. A decades old Kanye joke! Before they were canceled over a YEAR ago, Arrested Development made this joke. That's how old it is. Johnny Knoxville looks to' up. Is he fifty now? And is he the best they could come up with? Damn. Remember when Lisa Kudrow hosted and they spoofed Austin Powers and it was a good ten to fifteen minutes of hilarious, cameo-driven parody before they even got to the show? This is not that.

8: 02- 2 minutes of parody. Two. Adam Sandler is sitting next to Jack Nicholson. Sandler’s popping gum like a twelve year old girl. Or Two A-holes. I know we’re supposed to be repulsed by Will Ferrell’s Grizzly Adams look, but I actually think it makes him sexier. I have beard issues.

8: 05- Paris sex joke. But she’s there. So it’s edgy. Is Silverman a hack? That would make me sad, but I mean, Paris sex joke? My grandfather could make that joke.

8: 08- Wow. This intro is not good. The song? Dirty words are funny, y’all. The first time I watched this I thought the altercocker choir was without pants. I’m relieved to see that’s not the case as that might make this whole performance classless.

8: 10- Cast of Fantastic Four. Fametracker's 2 Stars 1 Slot (Dirty!): Chris Evans/Bret Harrison. Because they could very well be the same person and we don’t know it. Best Villain. What kind of world do we live in where Nicholson and Streep are up against Tobin Bell from Saw 3? Do these tweens even know who Nicholson is? Beyond his role in The Departed? Ok, Nicholson is definitely high. Not that I blame him, but this acceptance speech is all over the place. The troops? Really, we’re going to the troops?

8: 14- Well, Silverman’s in on the joke (that is the MTV Movie Awards 2007.) So that might make this better. My notes say, I’ve only seen two of the nominees for Best Film but the only one I can remember right now is Little Miss Sunshine. At any rate, I didn’t see Pirates of the Caribbean: Davy Jones’s Locker which *spoiler alert* wins or Borat. So I don’t really get this joke. Unless the joke is just a scantily clad fat man. Then, I get it. But it’s not funny.

Oh hey, apparently the announcer is live blogging during the show as well. How weird was that naked guy, indeed. The MTV Movie Awards are brought to you by the letter O.

8: 21- I enjoy Jessica Biel. I don’t actually watch her movies (Next? Are you kidding me?) but there’s something about her I really like. She and Silverman are talking about blogging. I dread the day meta becomes played out. Are we already there? If we were still doing message tees, I’d make one that reads I Heart Meta. I might do it anyway. I’m a Lit geek, what the hell right?

8: 22- Best Fight. So Bruce Willis was at home watering his lawn or hosting a barbecue or something when he got a call telling him he was twenty minutes late for the show. That’s the only explanation for the Jimmy Buffet attire he’s sporting (and the wardrobe change later on.) He also is quite possibly, high. As is Justin Long. Justin Long looks like he wandered in off the Miami Vice set. They’re plugging Live Free or Die Hard or Live Hard or Die Trying or Living to Die Hard or whatever. And the Best Fight Award goes to a real person battling CGI effects. Ok, then. Gerard Butler from 300. He’s totally denigrating the award. Justin Long wants us to know that he is so much more badass than the Mac commercials would suggest.

8: 26- I generally don’t get too offended by the recent hyper injection of fratboy culture into commercial cinema, but Good Luck Chuck is everything that is wrong with both fratboy culture and commercial cinema. Dane Cook is introducing Amateur Spoofs. The first one, Little Miss Squirt Gun, claims to be a cross between Little Miss Sunshine and Pulp Fiction, but it takes a weird Brangelina/Vaughniston turn about halfway through. Is that Alanna Ubach? How did this guy get Alanna Ubach? This is not funny. And dated. Watch, Jolie’s going to adopt Little Miss. Yep, saw that coming.

Sam Jackson thought it blew. And he was actually in Pulp Fiction.

Commercials. I love John Krasinski and I love Mandy Moore and I’ll totally see this over Transformers, but License To Wed is going to suck. It’s undeniable.

Orbitz chick is at the Awards.

8: 33- Victoria Beckham looks horrifying. Jay-Z and Rhianna. Didn’t Jay-Z retire? Heh. He just rhymed something with Dow Jones. Sing what you know I guess. Oh, there’s a theme. A movie theme. Or an S&M theme. Rhianna cannot sing. See, this is why it doesn’t matter that Jordin won Idol and not Melinda. The relative success of Rhianna is proof that it really makes no difference. Was she an ANTM winner? A Pussy Cat Doll? Does it even matter? She looks good in pleather and can’t sing a lick and she’s headlining the MTV Movie Awards. Melinda will be just fine. Jordin will too, for that matter.

8: 38- Best Kiss. Adam Sandler, Kevin James, and Jessica Biel. See, it’s like Jessica Biel wants me to not like her. This Chuck and Larry movie? Is she only about the paycheck? ?

8: 39- Best Kiss (ctd.) And Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron-Cohen are nominated for Talladega Nights so you know they’ve already won. Because any time two men kiss, it’s funny. I’m surprised the MTV folk even bothered to pad the category. Full disclosure: I thought Talladega Nights was hilarious, but the audience is behaving as if this is brand new territory when in reality, same sex kisses have ruled this Award since the late nineties. Of course this audience were all fetuses then. Now, I’m sad. And old. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, but Ferrell is sexy. And I like him as the straight man. (No pun intended.) See, now the crowd is going Crazy as Cohen and Ferrell reenact their *shocking* kiss. Because they’ve never seen this show before.

8: 44- We’re back with Dane Cook and another Amateur Spoof. Texas Chainsaw Rehab. Also not funny. Less funny than Little Miss Squirt Gun, actually. Who are these not funny future filmmakers? Are we all really so creatively bereft?

Commercials. Amputees are HI-larious. Especially in light of the War.

8: 50- Silverman. Potty humor. Oh, see this is the parody that was supposed to open the show. Silverman is inserted into scenes from all the big films of the year. Brad Pitt on the phone in Babel. More potty humor. Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls. Pursuit of Happyness. Ok, The Departed bit was kinda funny. They completely telegraphed the Prada joke. Last but not least, Transformers! Exclusive! Eh.

8: 55- So they couldn’t even get enough celebs for all the categories. Random MTV fan intro. indeed. Breakthrough Performance. Ooh, ooh Emily Blunt. Emily Blunt should win. Just because she’s Emily Blunt. And her name is kick ass. Wow, the Baby Smith Clam (Jaden) is nominated for Pursuit of Happyness. Precocious offspring of Hollywood royalty? In the bag. But he didn’t show. BSC’s whole acceptance “video” is really Will Smith’s larger than life plea to us. Don’t you forget about me. He’s seriously begging. Big Willie Style.

8: 59- Dane Cook hates his life. Paris Hilton is still there. United 300. Amateur Spoof. A cross between 300 and the most gut-wrenching movie I saw last year, United 93. Everyone should see United 93. I avoided it for a long time for fear that it was exploitative and jingoistic. It’s neither. It’s breathtaking. See it. This spoof is not funny. I mean, the others weren’t funny either. But this is not funny and offensive.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

So, I actively attempt to keep my real life independent of my online life. With the exception of one crossover moment, I'm a firm believer in the idea that the two serve different functions and as such, never the twain shall meet. Typically, I conceive of other message board posters as nameless, faceless entities who don't exist beyond their opinions of pop culture ephemera. That's worked pretty well for me and while the world doesn't end when I do stumble upon someone's picture or real name, anonymity seems to me to still be one of the most significant aspects of internet culture. (Even as I see it rabidly dwindling every second.)

To switch gears, I faithfully followed American Idol this past season for the first time ever. As The O.C. concluded and my love of The Office waned, it became appointment television for me. I didn't so much enjoy the contestants's performances as I did the culture that builds up around each season of Idol- magazine covers, celebrity appearances, fan wars, and the like. In The Year of Blake/Jordin, Idol went above and beyond in providing fodder for meta commentary through its production of Idol Gives Back, the single greatest mindfuck I've seen on television in years. When Jordin was crowned the S6 Idol a few weeks ago, I wondered how I would fulfill my 19E competitive reality show void. Luckily, FOX anticipated this ennui and immediately provided me, So You Think You Can Dance. Same creators, same producers, same format, different talent. For me, SYTYCD is actually more entertaining since once upon a time, I was a dancer.

The show seems to know this about me as the L.A. Auditions actually featured a contestant with whom I danced several years ago! That's right, Jesus "Chuy" Solorio from Paso Robles (my hometown) was actually in my high school dance company! This is not meant to make me sound like a better dancer than I was; I never possessed 1/100th of the talent that Chuy possesses. But I mean, it's not every day that I see someone from Paso on TV and in a dance contest, no less. The dance community is small. Paso Robles is even smaller. During my tenure in both, it's undeniable that all twenty of us knew each other at some point. So after I picked my jaw up off the floor, the inevitable move was to go to the SYTYCD board at TWoP and brag about knowing a contestant. (No, I didn't really do that; that's obnoxious behavior. I did express some Paso pride, though.)

Reading through the Auditions thread, I came upon a post that began, "As a resident of Paso Robles..." As a resident of Paso Robles. There are less than 30,000 residents of Paso Robles. What are the odds that I know this person? So I read through a few more of her posts wherein she mentions a relatively famous choreographer who taught in residence at the local dance studio for a couple years. This means she at least, has knowledge of the teeny tiny Paso dance community. Then, she went on to say that her husband works with a girl who danced with Chuy "since they were little kids." !

Seriously, I know this person. I may know her husband and I definitely know his coworker. I am so, so tempted to send her a private message inquiring as to who she is. But I have such mixed feelings about it. The curiousity is killing me (and I wonder if I'll be able to figure it out from the content of her posts,) but where would we go from there? I have no desire to online friend a soccer mom from my hometown, and I'm not sure I want to reveal anything substantive about myself (like my permanent residence or background) for such a tenuous connection. Still, the curiousity. It's making me twitchy.

And chalk it up to various online oddities, but it's so interesting to me that when TWoP was the little tv site that could, we were all anonymous television junkies joined only by a persistent need to overanalyze. However as the site mutates into a corporate behemoth (and seemingly loses any quaint, communal feel,) it's revealed that other posters are (literally) in my own backyard.