Statement from national security advisor H.P. Lovecraft H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that President Trump shared classified intelligence with the Russians during a meeting in the Oval Office:

“The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time — at no time — were intelligence sources or methods discussed. And the president did not disclose any military operations that were not already publicly known… I was in the room. It didn’t happen.”

“The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time — at no time – were prescription pads found in Alex’s Miami complex, or was Mr. Rodriguez in the company of anyone who knew how to spell ‘testosterone.’ And he did not use a Ziploc baggie filled with urine and strapped to his leg in order to pass a random drug test. I was in the bathroom with him. It didn’t happen.”

Statement from talent agent k.d. lang H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that singer Mariah Carey was lip-syncing during her botched New Year’s Eve performance in Times Square on live television:

“The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time — at no time – were auto-tuning or faulty sound mixes discussed. And Mariah did not expose any cleavage that had not been previously publicly displayed … I was on the stage as one of her backup dancers. It didn’t happen.”

Statement from aide-de-camp J.D. Salinger H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that President Bill Clinton had sexual relations with a White House intern:

“The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time — at no time – were Altoids or cigars discussed. And the president did not disclose any characteristics regarding the shape of his penis that were not already publicly known… I was in the hallway with the two of them. It didn’t happen.”

Statement from literary agent J.K. Rowling H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that several plays attributed to William Shakespeare were actually written by either Sir Francis Bacon or Christopher Marlowe:

“The story that cameth out tonight, as reported, lacked veracity… At no time — at no time – were there any discussions regarding ghostwriting or future considerations regarding sharing a screenplay credit. And Mr. Shakespeare did not disclose any dramatic developments regarding seduction, murder, poisoning, illegitimacy, disguise, revenge, suicide, mistaken identity or shipwrecks that were not already publicly known… I was standing behind the arras, eavesdropping. Verily, it did not befall.”

Statement from archaeologist A. A. Milne H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that the skull of the so-called “Piltdown Man,” originally offered as evidence of the “missing link” in the theory of evolution, was actually that of an orangutan:

“The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time — at no time – were methods for staining bones or filing down teeth discussed. And the finders did not disclose the results of any fluorine tests that were not already publicly known… I was buried in the gravel beds next to the skeleton for hundreds of thousands of years. It didn’t happen.”

Statement from veterinarian T.J. Hooker H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that the horse known as “Clever Hans” could not actually perform arithmetic:

“The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time — at no time – were intelligence sources or methods discussed. And the horse did not disclose any mathematical operations that were not already publicly known… I once worked for a real horse’s ass who couldn’t accurately count the size of his own inauguration crowd. That actually happened.”