Humor: Sir Audubon invents the bird count

“Ah! Squire Yoodabom, yes, I have lately been watching the birds of my earldom.”

“So I have heard. My Lady Mellificent has been speaking of your obsession. The birds have practically taken over the castle, she says.”

“Well, until someone invents glass, we’ll have to live with that. I wish to learn just how many birds, and of what variety, we have in my earldom. Have you kept count?”

“Some, my lord.”

“And what are the numbers?”

“Well, the sparrows are everywhere. But the numbers of our blackbirds are down.”

“Why so?”

“Four and twenty of them turned up in a pie.”

“And robins?”

“I do not know, my lord. I’m a very busy man.”

“Humor me, Yoodabom, and look out the window. What do you see?”

“At the feeder, I see three cardinals.”

“What? Again?”

“I fear so.”

“Doing what?”

“They’re picking through the feeder for sunflower seeds.”

“Well, I don’t want them there. They eat everything and leave nothing for the rest. And they drive me crazy with those tall, pointy hats.”

“I’ll get Boris to run them off, my lord.”

“And tell the Brother Olaf to keep more sunflower seeds at the monastary to feed these fellows when they come.”

“I’ll send a note to the pope as well.”

“What else do you see?”

“A few squirrels. And Brandipuss the cat.”

“It really is a pathetic excuse of a birdfeeder we have.”

“It pleases the cat, my lord.”

“Do you see nothing that can fly?”

“Well, I see a dragon fly.”

“That’s a bug, not a bird.”

“You miss my meaning, my lord. I see a dragon fly. And he just carried off another cow.”

“That’s the fifth one this week! Send a knight to slay him!”

“We’ve already sent Sir Scortch, Sir Toasted, Sir Overdun, the Knight of the Marshmallow and the Knight of the Hot Tamale. And that’s the fifth one this week.”

“And what happened when they met the dragon?”

“They’re all toast, my lord.”

“I didn’t know Sir Toasted’s family was so large. Is there another knight left to fight it?”

“You never like Sir Broiled much.”

“Very good. Send him. Oh, look! I see a bird at the feeder now! A vulture, I think. Yes! A vulture! Note the ring of feathers surrounding the bald head!”

“Oh, no, my lord, that’s Brother Olaf with his tonsure. He’s come to lead the cardinals back to church.”

“Well, if we can’t get a decent count of the birds here, we’ll get the peasants to do it. Send them out this very day! I want them to count every species they see! Blue jays, mockingbirds, egrets, the whole lot! Give them lists with bird names, so that they can mark them off.”

“But my lord, this is the middle ages. No one can read but the priests.”

“Then let’s have pictures of the breeds drawn for them to check. Do we have an artist at the monastery?”

“There’s Brother Rorschach.”

“He’s an irritating man. His drawings look like inky blobs, and he really tests me!”

“There’s brother Picasso.”

“The one who painted Lady Millificent like a cube, with two eyes on the same side of her head? Never mind. Just send a monk out with each group to do the job. Well, why are you just sitting there?”

“The peasants will refuse. They’re not as fond of birds as you, and it’s harvest time.”

“Go down to the castle kitchens! We’ve got that young princess from France who came to learn cookery. Get her to whip something up.”

Later:

“My lord! Everything is ready! The monks are mounted on their donkeys, the peasants are ready to march into the moors, and every one with a field glass.” And for dinner, that young princess, Marie Antoinette, said she’ll happily let them eat cake.”

“Thank you, good Squire! Yoodabom!”

Contact good Bill of Hand at 252-635-5677, bill.hand@newbernsj.com, and follow him @BillHandNBSJ.

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