Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian. Must be able to keep a secret.
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Mormon male looking for one or more females for a long-term relationship. Must have childbearing hips and be willing to give birth to at least four children. Catholics need not apply.
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Single, unemployed female with several children out of wedlock is looking for a sugar daddy to support my children and me. Skills include nose-wiping and diaper-changing. Ear plugs included. No experience
necessary.
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Ready? OK! Collegiate cheerleader looking for quarterback to bring his helmet, pads, and offensive line to bed. First and ten! Do it again!
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Tall Hispanic lesbian looking for a vertically challenged person to spend evenings clipping my toenails and picking them out of the carpet.
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Do you have six toes or another pedal anomaly? If so, I want you! Other deformities--however attractive--need not apply.
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Greedy, money-hungry, single white female looking for obscenely rich older man (preferably on his death bed) to spend time and money with. Would like to wiggle my way into the will and be the sole beneficiary. Call before time runs out.
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Mama's boy, dependent on parents for income, is looking for a female who is family-oriented and wouldn't mind having my mom chaperone. No dog lovers please.
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Albino male seeking dark-skinned woman who will take me to movies and hand-feed me popcorn. Must love to stay inside with the blinds closed to keep out sunlight, and dread mornings.
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Alcoholic female craves man to keep her knee-deep in liquor. Your own still a plus.
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