Tag Archives: sex

Senior year in high school. One day my best friend tells me about this girl he met who I “had to meet.” I was somewhat popular, at least with the large nerdy population of my school and I’d thought I’d met everyone, but apparently this girl Jill slipped past my radar. After he mentioned her I kept hearing about her though, this brash, blindingly intelligent poet, lesbian, activist. Frankly it was starting to get annoying. Who was this chick?

A month later I found myself cornered in my best friend’s kitchen. He presented us to each other, like some landmark meeting of the minds. I suppose we were both sort of big personalities so everyone wanted to know how we would react to each other.

We eye each other. We circled each other. We asked some pointed questions about books and music. We fell into banter. We sat down on the floor and started a long conversation. We sang some songs. We tested each other. Eight hours later we were best friends.Continue reading →

I have a huge list of RSS feeds that get updated on my phone every morning for reading on the forty-five minute ride I make every day. I’ve noticed a certain eagerness lately for posts from a few webpages and I thought I’d share them with my lovely readers.

If you have any other erotica or sex blogs that you think fit my aesthetic, please share them with me.

Sometimes I read things that just piss me off because I wish I wrote them. Guy writes really well and paints vivid scenes that are often far too close to my own fantasies and experiences. From what I hear around town we have similar tastes.

It’s really not fair at all. Sinclair is this brilliant activist and gender theorist, he writes so much awesome and intellectual stuff. Why is it that he can also write totally hot smut too? It’s supposed to be one or the other and frankly he’s making me look bad.

Sinclair is really amazing, go read his stuff. The latest sexy post is honest and vulnerable and intimate.

I recently met Wilhelmina Wang and that prompted me to reread her stuff. Damn there is some hot stories on that site. I like the switchiness of it. I like the way she words things. Also, she is gorgeous.

Her style may be a bit more straight forward, but Molly Ren gets the point across. I may be bias because she has written about me. I like to read the perspective of fetishists, especially fetishes that I don’t fully understand. I also like when fetishists are open to a variety of kinks.

Mina and Sylvanus write about various parts of their sex lives. I’m a bit partial to Mina’s stories and pictures, especially all the Daddy girl play. Honestly that part is bitter sweet because it makes me think about things I no longer have and miss a lot.

Of late, since my play and my sex life have become both more varied and more plentiful, some of the particulars of my own sexuality have become more and more apparent.

Some of these things I’ve known for years, but haven’t really thought about in depth. In most situations these leanings and proclivities can be hidden by the normal dynamics of sex, especially casual sex, where every position and combination isn’t going to be attempted anyhow, so brevity aids omission or at least camouflage.

Power and control are a lot more important to my sexual pleasure than I once thought. I am realizing I have a lot of trouble giving up control, or, more accurately, giving up what I consider control. That seems somewhat normal — after all, I’m a mostly-straight guy who is primarily a top. By most social norms I should be used to being in control. Still, my ideas about control seem a little warped when I look at them more carefully.

The act of being brought to orgasm by someone or even giving yourself an orgasm in front of someone is, in some fundamental way in my head, a submission. It is showing your out of control side. It is being vulnerable. It is being needy. It is everything that little Jack was taught was bad.

Intellectually I know that this is nonsense. Still, a lot of our reactions during intimacy are non-cognitive, deeply emotional and hard to understand without some real processing.

For example, it’s rare that I have an orgasm through oral sex or manual sex. The exception is that if I am also stimulating my partner

during this, I can focus on that long enough to make me forget. Does that make sense? Like the sex lives of most kinky people, sex is complicated.

I would say I get off far harder making people have orgasms than having them myself, with the exception of really intense penetrative sex which is usually awesome for me.

Fingering a woman, performing oral sex and using sex toys on them all turn me on in a huge way. I’ve gotten into what is probably my favorite activity, making women squirt, in some other posts. There is also “forced orgasm” which is in many ways the apex of my kink, i.e., making someone come over and over again until they can’t stand it anymore and are so overwhelmed by the orgasms and the sensation overload they are left a quivery mess.

I’ve written about that, though. What I haven’t written about much is my own reactions.

I’ve had partners comment when I don’t have an orgasm or don’t even really get into my own physical sexual gratification in a scene. I can do a whole scene mostly clothed while the bottom has been stripped, tied, roughed up, made to come several times. I can go away from a scene like that completely aroused and satisfied. Really, bringing my penis into the situation would make it less of fun time. I get off hard in a scene like that, and the somewhat less important desire to have an orgasm not only gets in the way, but gives the bottom far too much power over me.

There are different ways to play, though. That is describing one mood and maybe one character I let myself slip into: the super observant

reaction top who notices everything, mocks everything, punishes, pleases, and plays for his amusement and to take the bottom somewhere. When I am in that head space I want to force reactions. Pleasure, pain, humiliation, lust, need and even catharsis.

Other times I can be more playful or more mean. Sometimes I just want to fuck and the kinks that go along with that game, spanking, manhandling and pinning down hands, are very different than a full on scene. Sometimes I want to have relatively vanilla sex, but still I am taking it.

To receive pleasure I have to be in a very different place. I have to be with someone I trust to be vulnerable with and that doesn’t happen very often. It has happened though, in long term relationships with people I am in love with and care about enough to show that side of myself. Even then, it is a pretty temperamental thing.

This is also because of the lingering fingers of the Catholic guilt from my childhood. It marks many of my desires with guilt and embarrassment. Along with guilt are the lessons taught both overtly and subconsciously through my childhood by my father: that it is weak and wrong to show emotions. Both factors conspire to taint things like public displays of affection, talking about my emotions, saying “I love you” and showing desire towards men.

My mixed feelings towards sex with men are some of the most violently guilt ridden and humiliating, which leads to them also being ones I read about and think about secretly. Thus my fascination with slash.

Where do I go with this information?

For the last six months I’ve been trying to do things that are out of my comfort zone. I’m testing myself and having adventures and trying to break the barriers that keep me from doing everything that I want. I feel like I am really exploring my own desire and the desires of others. I’m shaky and wide eyed and having a lot of fun. Some of the things, like bottoming, make my fears and mental blocks much more apparent and cumbersome.

A good example of this is how when I am bottoming I feel like I am good at taking pain and force and aggression, but the cuddling afterward makes me want to escape. Receiving pleasure, especially

when I can’t control it or return it, is almost enough to break me out of the whole scene. When I am really turned on my hands shake with the need to take control. When I am confronted with “giving in” and being “made to come” my head twists and turns and won’t let my body do it.

That being said, I am more than willing to try. I even think trying is important. Breaking down the barriers to pleasure is as interesting as reveling in the sublimations my head has come up with to work around the blocks.

It’s interesting to think of how far I’ve come, so to speak, in discovering my sexuality. From looking at dirty stories online as a horny fourteen year old to writing things and doing things I’d never imagined I’d do. It will be interesting to see where my life will go from here.

The dungeon. It’s cliché, I know. This kind of place was never part of my kink and really it still isn’t. The aesthetic is just all wrong. The leather and the stone and the seriousness of it all always seemed silly to me. I could never have imagened, let’s say four years ago, that this was a place I’d like to frequent. Then again, I do a lot of things now that I never would have imagined doing a few years ago.

Truth be told the way the place looked is important, certainly, but not vital to the games I wanted to play. I think of it like the library I go to, the one near my office. Twelve blocks away there is the most beautiful library in the city, possibly the country; the Main Branch of The New York Public Library on Fifth Avenue and 42nd Street. It is huge, a marble monument to knowledge. It is atmospheric, with history and vast ceilings painted with murals. It’s epic, but you can’t borrow books from it unless you have special permission.

A block away from my office there is a very small, very dingy library. It is painted institution green and mostly has large print best sellers, but they will order any book I want from any library in the city and they have all of the things I need. It is easy to get to, it is easy to use. It is handy, like the dungeon.

The dungeon is a place where you can play. Where you can scream as loud as you want and hit as hard as your partner can take and you don’t have to worry about neighbors hearing or roommates coming home. You can just play.Continue reading →

I met Elise when she briefly worked in my office. She was one of those girls who grew up rich, but Upper West Side rich, not Upper East Side rich. The difference was super-preppy private schools versus super-intellectual immersive savant schools. She went to the latter and left with a rich inner life and a love of art and music and books that most people had never heard of. That, and the inability to really connect with most anyone.

There were the phobias; elevators, undercooked meat, docks, public speaking, crowded spaces, dark alleys, Antarctica, gum. Her worst fear was that she would swallow a piece of chewing gum. She told me she thought about it constantly, though it didn’t stop her from constantly chewing the most sugary, garish pink stuff she could find.

Then there was the OCD and the ADD and the cocktail of pharmacology. She was not trapped within the rigors of counting things and washing hands, but there were little things, more than quirks but less than crippling. There were also the daddy issues because he was like God to her, and the mommy issues because her mother told her she was fat when she was 12. There was a lot going on in this girl’s head.Continue reading →

She is a candy stranger. Perfect in the way someone you don’t know at all can be perfect. Her small breasts and her large hips and soft swell of an ass that seems nearly impossible on her tiny frame. Her thin waist and her wild hair. That exoticness that is so difficult for people to get right.

She is new to this, but she’ll do just fine. In fact, it’s hard to find regulars with an attitude so perfect for these games. Right for me, that is. Everyone wants something different from places like this. The Venn Diagrams of our emotional, physical and sexual wants. Cross-indexed by our needs.Continue reading →

In exploring BDSM in a variety of ways I found my base power position (top) relatively quickly. I like to be the one doing things, hitting, fucking, tying, commanding, humiliating, etc. The complexities of topping versus service topping and other mixed dynamics certainly came up later, but have never really concerned me. I feel like I am naturally toppy, especially in many of the relationships I have been in so far, but that’s not all I am. I contain multitudes and stuff, you know the deal.Continue reading →

Trilby is a hypno-fetishist. Hypnosis has always been something I have been both interested in and conflicted about. I’m a skeptic. This isn’t just a statement about my not taking capital “T” Truths at face value, it is actually a philosophical and a political stance that greatly effects how I look at the world.

The things I’ve read about hypnosis were often inconclusive, ambivalent or simply too vague to verify.

I met Trilby a while ago and I was fascinated from our first conversation about hypnosis and specifically erotic hypnosis. The idea of controlling someone, specifically their sexual reactions, has always been one of my biggest kinks. Not to mention the fact that Trilby was bright, cute and hysterically funny.Continue reading →

Oh and just to destroy all respect anyone had for me, I give you… Harry Potter porn. Keep reading and you will see the slash.

Title: Bad TimingSummary: Draco finds a diversion during summer vacation, but he is caught in a rather compromising position.Pairings: Draco/Ginny, Draco/Ginny/Pansy, and Draco/Crabbe/GoyleRating: NC17 (Very graphic bits of sex)Warning: Sex between 5th and 6th years! A not very hard to figure out twist ending!Words: 1540

I am writing up the notes from my two presentations at KinkForAll DC and while writing them I was looking around my hard drive and found some old fan fiction I wrote. I haven’t written any in a while and most of the old stuff I wrote was in a live journal that has since been thoroughly deleted.

Still, just to show that I am not talking completely from left field, here is a Buffy The Vampire Slayer story I wrote long long ago. It is Fem Slash, not pure Slash, but I will look around and see if I can find one of those somewhere, just to show that yes, Jack has written about boys fucking.

I did a second presentation because there was some extra time and space left. I only got to a few of these points, but here is some more information about the topic.

The Future of Online Sex Writing – How Sex Writing is Changing and What We Would Like to Read

A. Mixed Media

1. Audio
Although the written word has always been the ideal medium for me, it is silly not to look at technology and all the ways it can bring erotic storytelling to the next level. To me the short story has always been a particularly good form for erotica writing. As well short stories lend themselves to audio very well. A short piece that can be recorded in 30-45 minutes and read by someone with a good voice and decent equipment can be amazing.Continue reading →

You can see video of part of this presentation on YouTube (Part 1, Part 2)

Anonymity’s Effect on Online Sex Writing

I’ve been reading online erotica since there has been erotica online. Starting with BBS (Bulletin Board Systems), using a 2400 baud modem to dial up and log into places like Technet and The Unforgiven Board to scour the forums for hand transcribed copies of badly written stroke stories from magazines and pulp novels.Continue reading →

A while back I wrote about the first KinkForAll and how much I enjoyed it. I ask anyone who is anywhere near NYC to attend the second KinkForAll on August 8th. Trust me, it isn’t threatening, it isn’t boring and it isn’t like any conference you’ve ever been to. You will learn new things, you will meet new people, you will be exposed to new ideas. It’s free, in all senses and it is there for you to jump right in and help as much or as little as you want. One way to help is to donate.

KinkForAll is an ad-hoc informational unconference on sexuality for anyone and everyone. KinkForAll draws participants from an astounding range of sexuality-related communities. Anyone with the desire to learn or with something to contribute is welcome and invited to participate.

Vitals

What: The second no-limits sex-positive gender and sexuality unconference of New York City.

Why: To inspire a creative, interactive and open environment where everyone feels comfortable talking, learning, and being inspired by all kinds of sexuality.

KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of the kink, queer, sex-positive and related communities to share and learn in an open environment. It is an intense event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants. (It is inspired by the BarCamp community.)

ANYONE WITH SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE OR WITH THE DESIRE TO LEARN IS WELCOME AND INVITED TO JOIN. When you attend, be prepared to share with others. When you leave, be prepared to share it with the world.

A KinkForAll is a special kind of gathering because there are no spectators, only participants. Attendees must give a talk or a presentation, help with one, or otherwise volunteer/contribute in some way to support the event. This is called sharing and we like it. All presentations are scheduled the day they happen—there are no pre-scheduled presentations or keynote addresses. The people present at the event will select the presentations they want to see.

Anyone can present, on any topic related to sexuality. You do not necessarily have to teach a new skill or idea. You might share an experience, review a product, or read a poem. The goal is to start a discussion, make connections, and exchange knowledge. Presentations promoting specific commercial products or companies are discouraged.

Truth be told, Elise didn’t even really like him. That’s not to say she wasn’t already wet when she got off at his subway stop and climbed the familiar stairs into the lingering evening sun. She hadn’t been to his apartment in weeks. She hadn’t walked through the dirty streets of his neighborhood, next to the big school with the high metal fence and the little stores with the weird religious candles and the exotic smells.

All right, maybe she liked him in some weird way. He could be a good friend, in his own fashion, if he wanted to, but he was so very full of himself sometimes, so very Mark. They had dated for a while around two years ago, and maybe they were even in love for a couple of minutes, but Mark was an ass and that all disintegrated quickly. He was a much better fuck than he ever was a boyfriend.

Mark could be a good listener too, when he was in the mood. If he got interested in what you were saying and thought your little problem was entertaining he could set his mind to solving it. He was an egomaniac but sometimes that gave him the detachment to give you really insightful advice. Also he was really good in bed.

Sometimes you want to fuck someone you’re not in love with. It’s good to have someone like that who you can trust. And then there was the fact that Mark always had a way of making things dirty. Elise craved that sometimes. More than craved it, she needed it. As she walked down his block she knew that this was one of those times.

It was hard to ask someone new for those things. When you are falling for someone and you want everything to be perfect and so you can’t have the awkward conversations about how you needed to be held down or spanked or called a slut or more.

Mark knew all her boundaries, though. He read her like a book and said out loud all the dirty things that were in her head and made her blush. He made her blush! Elise was always the bold one, the brash one, but Mark could make her feel like a veritable prude sometimes. And as much of an asshole as he was, he never crossed her lines. He knew just from looking in her eyes what she needed and what was too much. That kind of connection could take years to create and there was no reason to waste it just because they couldn’t make a relationship work.

The truth was, she had met someone the day before. The truth was, every time she thought about this new guy she melted a little and her knees almost gave and her heart started pounding. This guy was serious, though, no one night stand. This guy was amazing.

Elise swooned as she pictured him. He was tall and handsome and so very gentlemanly. He worked for some kind of not-for-profit organization. He recycled. He was a genuinely nice person. He had good skin and a crooked smile and used big words and had a nice ass.

Her stomach dropped. There were things she needed though and she wasn’t sure someone so “nice” could give them to her. She thought about Mark, who certainly wasn’t a bad person. Mark who drank too much and make crude jokes about horrible tragedies. Mark who admitted to a somewhat criminal youth. There was also Mark with the bookshelf full of interesting things and his world-traveling past and there was the fact that his cockiness was all bullshit and he was actually very humble about how smart he really was.

She thought about the last time she saw Mark, his hand in her hair, his body on hers. There was something that pushed the moments in his apartment to hyperreality. The way he half-closed his red curtains which made the light from the street glow crimson on his white walls.

Half way to Mark’s apartment Elise’s phone vibrated. Pulling it out of her bag, her heart was beating hard. It was like being in high school again.

Elise stopped walking and let out a happy little noise. Then she looked around quickly to make sure no one heard her. Swooning she looked up to see Mark’s building, an old brownstone with a sort of ominous array of little angels and demons carved into the staircase and windowsills.

She texted back from Mark’s hallway. “I’m pretty excited too. Can’t wait. See you soon.”

She rang his bell twice without an answer. She knew he was home because he had buzzed her up. When he opened the door she saw his familiar face a bit stubbly, his graying hair a bit messy, the piercing blue eyes never focusing on her completely. He nodded hello to her, “give me like five minutes, okay?”

Elise stood confused at the door as he quickly walked back into the apartment and picked up a book on his big leather chair and started reading something intensely. She came in, looking around a little confused. The apartment was cool, with a fan in the window and the evening air flowing in. It was tidy, but cramped with stuff. Books, computer parts, a couple of leather floggers peeking out from under the Sunday Times.

Walking around the room she saw things she remembered. There had been three months when she was sleeping over every night. The salad days when she learned how badly he snored and how decadent his breakfasts were. She smiled at the little box of Peruvian Worry Dolls he’d told her the secrets of one summer night.

She jumped when she heard the thump of a book closing. Turning around she saw Mark get up from the couch and stretch.

“Okay. Sorry, I was in the middle of this… intense chapter.”

She shrugged, he was already smiling at her with that predatory smile.

He used to play this game where he made her admit why she came. He made her tell him that she needed to be beat up and fucked. That got old a while ago, but sometimes he just watched her. He watched her until she squirmed.

She fingered her phone, wondering if he would text her back, wanting to check, wanting to know more and tell him more. Mark eyed her, she was extra nervous and she knew he could tell.

Mark walked over and she backed up until she was against his bookshelf. He laughed, “I’m just saying hello.” She looked up with her big eyes. He had good lips, soft and expressive. He kissed her on the cheek and she tensed, unsure of what he was doing. Mark always changed the game, never wanted her the same way twice.

“I like it when you’re nervous,” he whispered, already husky-voiced.

“You’re an asshole.” But she couldn’t look up at him.

“You should take off your pants.”

She shook her head, “no.”

He pushed and pulled her, like a child getting out of her winter jacket. He pulled off her shoes and socks. He roughly unzipped her pants and pulled them down, bending her over and pulling each leg off.

When he was done she steadied herself on his bookshelf, her hair in her eyes and her legs looking extra naked with her only in a shirt. She didn’t wear underwear with jeans, Mark was never really sure why. Her cunt was bare, Mark could tell it was freshly shorn from the slight redness and complete smoothness.

He grabbed her arms and just moved her around. Shaking her a little and pushing her here and there like a rag doll. He liked how docile she got when she was like this; when she wanted to be hurt and controlled. So different than the Elise on the street. He pushed her over to his bed and slapped her ass once.

She growled, feminine but feral, when hit. The first time Mark hit her he had been a little surprised. It was lovely though, the way her bright eyes and smart mouth just vanished. This brilliant girl rendered dumb by nothing more than pulled hair and a spanked bottom.

She crawled up onto the bed and got on her knees in his sheets, her butt in the air, her chest against the bed, face buried in the blanket, trying to hide her red face and open mouth. The red lips of her cunt peeked out from between her closed legs in the way that made him aggressive. In the silence between smacks, the room was suddenly filled with the dull echo of a phone vibrating.

Mark watched as Elise’s head shot up. She was breathing hard and fast. She looked back at him and then to her handbag.

“Oh, I get why you are so nervous. It’s a boy, isn’t it? Is that him?”

She whined and buried her head in the blanket.

“What’s his name? Is he dreamy?” he mockingly fainted.

“I hate you so much. You’re such an asshole,” she said as she crawled away from him, trying to reach her phone.

Mark let her get up, then stood and looked down on her as she laid on the floor pulling out the Blackberry and reading the new message.

“What’sit say?”

“Fuck off.” She rolled her eyes and bit her lip as the little device blinked to life.

The first blow came to her ass, then it was followed by five more. He was on her, straddling her legs as he grabbed her hair and pushed her face against the floor.

“Tell me what it says.”

Her heart was pounding against her chest and against the hardwood floor. His weight on her legs and ass made her pubic bone press into the floor and she could feel the grain of the wood on her bare mound.

“It’s private,” she wanted to yell it but it came out a choked little whisper.

She wanted to tell him this was too personal, this wasn’t part of their game, but her sex throbbed at the intrusion and she knew he loved it.

His fingers snaked into her hair, closed on it and pulled. Elise let out a high whine as she pulled up the text.

“Ow! Wait, okay!” she paused — this was something different, there was a weird line that she couldn’t put her finger on. Mark’s hand tightened in her hair.

“I really…” she swallowed, her throat felt like it was closing — “enjoyed kissing you that night. Hopefully I…” his hand tensed in her hair, she felt individual strands being pulled out. “Hopefully we’ll get to do more of that next time.”

Mark’s laugh was a slow rumble. She could feel it on the back of his legs, the slight vibration of his body as he chuckled. Her face was hot and her hands were sweaty.

“Is he a nice boy? Is he going to bring you flowers?”

Elise tried to squirm away. “Shut up.”

Mark took her wrists and pulled her arms behind her back. In his struggle, his hardening cock pushed between her legs, not inside of her but rubbing, poised. She tensed.

“Is he gunna be your boyfriend?” Mark stretched out the word like a playground chiding.

He leaned down and whispered into her ear. “Are you gunna wait until the third date to put out? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free, right? Are you going to marry him?”

“Shut up, shut up.”

It was stupid. He was making little kid jokes. It was such ridiculous teasing, but she felt cold in her chest. Her eyes were itching, maybe even wet. She whined, she shook her head but he kept talking.

“Maybe you’ll get drunk one night and ask him to spank you. What if he knew the girl I knew? What if he saw the little slut who sucked three boys off in a bathroom?”

The images flashed into her head. It had been a year ago. Mark had taken her to some event of some kind. Some kinky club, hidden entrance, secret password. They’d watched bodies writhe, they’d seen a boy hung up with rope. Mark had eyed two friends of his and when he’d pulled her into the bathroom, they had followed.

It was the most embarrassing memory in her head, and it was also the one her mind went to every time she couldn’t come and needed that little push. The dirtiness swirled in her belly, like their come had. Her tongue was thick.

“What if he knew even more? What if he knew about the parties? Will you tell him or should I?”

“No. Stop it. Shut up.” Her throat closed and the words came out as squeaks.

“What’s his name, Elise?”

“I… I don’t want to talk about him anymore.”

Mark laughed loud and let go of one of her arms. She felt him shift on her, reach for something, then the sharp pain of a leather crop on her ass. Then his hand because he couldn’t get the right angle with the crop.

“Okay! Okay. It’s…” she struggled, thinking maybe she should lie, but that was no use. “It’s Todd.”

The spanking stopped. The pressure on her wrist loosened.

“Todd?” he said with a much lighter voice. “Toooodd,” the chuckle was different, not dark and angry but silly. “Fucking Toooodd?” he laughed.

Elise squirmed from under him and pouted, folding her arms over her naked breasts.

“Fucking asshole, just stop,” she mumbled, getting up and going to his bed.

Then there was the look. She glared at him and he glared back with his wicked sarcastic gaze, but then it shifted. The questioning look. “Is this okay? Should I really stop?”

She swallowed. Was it okay? She shifted on the bed, a dark spot on the gray sheets where her dripping sex had rested. His eyes were light, gray and blue, but they seemed to change depending on the light.

Was it silly to see so many things in a look? How much of it was wishful thinking? She could have sworn she saw something else, behind the sadistic grin and the questions, some little hurt, some primordial jealousy.

He got off her and his grin wavered but didn’t fade.

She panted as she laid back on the bed looking up at him. He walked over to the window and looked out. He picked up the book he was reading when she came in and he licked his finger and then turned the page.

She waited. She knew this game even if it did have all sorts of new dimensions.

“Why do you have to make this so fucking hard?” she whined, her voice gone sad little girl.

He looked over the top of the book at her, his eyebrows raised. The tiny hurt hiding somewhere in those cool blue eyes was all she could see now. His big ego bruised because this was supposed to be their time, this was supposed to be their game, even if it was just a game it was all they had and she didn’t realize that was important.

The sadness of it made her feel small. She pulled her knees up to her chin and cradled her legs and gave Mark her puppy dog eyes.

“I’ll put my phone away,” she said meekly. “Can you come over here and cuddle with me?”

Mark put down his book and glared at her appraisingly.

“No. You brought your phone here and wanted to read the message, so now it’s fair game. If you don’t like it, you can leave.”

She bit her lip. This wasn’t turning out how she wanted, not at all. She liked it when he was mean, but not like this. She sighed, laughing at herself. She thought, “you can’t want someone to be an asshole to you and then complain that they aren’t being the right kind of asshole.”

On top of all of that, she was curious. What was he going to do? What could he do?

He walked over to her while she was thinking and picked up her phone on the way. He pulled her and pushed her around, pushing her face into the bed right next to the phone, pulling her legs so that she was up on her hand and knees, ass high and head low.

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this but all day I’ve been thinking about doing a lot more than kissing you,” his voice was flat and rough.

She looked back at him. He was taking off his shirt and then unbuckling his belt. He looked down at her and smiled.

“Type it,” he said sternly in that voice that made her reach for the phone before she knew what she was doing.

She stopped, though, and looked back at him.

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this but all day I’ve been thinking about doing a lot more than kissing you,” he said it slowly, enunciating each word.

Her fingers lingered on the little keyboard, her thumbs at the ready. She typed the first two words and then stopped, feeling him shift behind her, then his fingers, wet with his saliva, grazing her clit. He knew how to barely touch her so that her body whimpered and begged for more. He did it again so softly that she could swear she could feel his fingerprints like rough little Braille dots tormenting her most sensitive spot.

She typed a few more words. Her head was buzzing, her eyes were stinging, her cunt was itching with need.

He slipped two fingers into her, the way he always did. Fingers bending and finding the spots that made her stupid, made her make silly noises and do what ever he said. She pushed her ass back, wanting more of his fingers, more of his attention.

“Keep typing,” he growled, and then she felt the wet warmth of his tongue circling her asshole.

She should have been over the shame. After all, in all the time she’d been a sexual being, people had done all sorts of things to her ass, but there was something instinctually naughty about this little intimate act. As he rimmed her, his tongue pushing slightly into her, she blushed and hid her face in his sheets and groaned with pleasure. His fingers inside of her, his tongue playing with that secret, dirty place.

When she looked up, she saw the sentence he had told her to type. The nervousness and embarrassment and need and lust were all swirling in her stomach, crawling through her veins. She hit “send” and heard Mark chuckle low and quiet.

His fingers worked her harder now. She was so wet she took three of his thick fingers, she felt them press down, she felt filled up and overpowered. The orgasm was building, but she wasn’t sure she could get there because of all those damn emotions.

The phone buzzed and he slipped his fingers out of her. They both waited. She felt him leaning over her, looking over her shoulder at the little screen.

“To tell the truth, I’ve sort of been thinking the same thing for most of the day,” the tiny letters read.

She bit her lip. His cock rubbed against her ass, hard and hot.

She continued to stare at the screen as he slipped off of her and walked into his little office. Her body shuddered as she heard the familiar sounds of him opening his little toy drawer.

When he came back, she didn’t look at him. She knew she should have stopped this little scene of his, but somehow her hands were on her phone, thumbs waiting.

He slipped something under her, then positioned her. Her breath was coming faster. When the vibrator started he pushed and pulled it under her until the head was pressed on her clit. Elise let out something between a gasp and a wail. Then she heard the rip of plastic; she knew he was putting on the condom, and soon he would be fucking her. She knew the vibrator and his cock would be almost too much.

“What have you been thinking, exactly? I shouldn’t tell you this, but I have some particular tastes,” he dictated in that commanding tone that told her she should type it word for word.

Worry flooded her again. Was this going too far? Would she scare Todd away? She should tell him these things about herself eventually, but like this?

Her eyes unfocused as the vibrator pounded her nerves and pleasure rang through her, spreading out from her clit and making every part of her body tingle.

As she typed his words she felt him pressing against her, the thickness of his cock meeting the wetness of her sex. He was just waiting, slipping the head in and out a little, holding her hips and pressing her down against the vibrator’s unrelenting buzzing.

Half of her brain was filled with elation about the text, imagining Todd, the boy she was so smitten with, also being potentially kinky. At the same time she was about to be fucked by Mark. Then there was the vibrator. Then there was the shame — she realized what a slut she was being. Then the embarrassment turning into that white-hot emotional pleasure in her head. At the same time, Mark slipped his cock into her with a smooth slow push.

Mark voice was straining to stay steady. “I like to be spanked.”

“Hard,” he added.

She started typing when the first orgasm came. She screamed into the mattress and balled her fists in the sheets.

“Type the fucking message!” he said, slowing down as she bucked and writhed under him, the vibrator suddenly far too much for her sensitive parts.

“I like to be spanked. Hard.” He repeated the massage and she typed it, her finger lingering over the “send” button.

He started fucking her seriously then, his legs on either side of her, pushing her legs closed so that her sex was almost painfully tight around him. As he fucked her he pressed his chest against her back , his mouth on her neck, biting the pale skin.

The phone buzzed as his thrusts started getting spastic and his grunts loud and animal.

“I think our next date is going to be very interesting.”

He let out a chuckle just before he came, grunting hard and punching the mattress and then throwing a pillow across the room. He always got like that, violent when he came.

He turned off the vibrator, dropping it on his night table. Elise was still trying to settle her body enough so that she could think. She felt a huge wet spot under her and her face flashed red. She hadn’t even felt herself squirt, but when she was forced to come like that it usually happened.

She looked at the phone, scrolling through the messages. She hadn’t really said anything that crazy. She could tell him she had too much wine with lunch.

When she looked up Mark was dressed in a t-shirt and boxers.

It always seemed to end up like this, him clothed, her naked. She pulled the sheets up to cover herself and then felt silly. He always seemed to do that, keep her dangling on the edge of aroused and ashamed.

“Hope that wasn’t out of line,” he said, pulling on a pair of jeans.

She didn’t know if it was or wasn’t, but she did know that she hadn’t come so hard in a long time.

“Let’s get something to eat. That was fun, but quick. Round two should take a while and I need food. We can talk about your boyfriend.”

She winced, but it faded into a smile.

“He’s not my boyfriend. We only went out once,” she complained as she pulled her jeans back on.

“We’ll talk about it at lunch. You know I don’t like you going out with boys I haven’t fucked first.”

Elise sighed, trying to make herself presentable.

“You can’t fuck him, Mark!” But the thought made her knees weak.

“We’ll see. We’ll see.”

Elise smiled to herself, remembering at once why she loved him and why she could never stay with him. She was happy to have these moments, though. She was happy to have a friend who could make her feel so deliciously dirty.

In this new life, I have slipped into a variety of completely new relationships. I’ve always been the kind of person who has a small circle of very close friends and I tended to shy away from the masses of acquaintances people seem to collect in this city. Now I seem to be joining ever-growing groups of interesting and open-minded people. This has led to months of fun, flirty and often fierce conversation. In some ways these connections are almost better than all the sex and exploration. (Almost, but not quite.)

I hadn’t considered my sadistic side very much until about a year ago. If anything, I had often thought that I was squeamish about really hurting someone and that might be a real hindrance to being a dom. After a few enthusiastic scenes and I found that the little seed of a sadist in me was starting to bloom. The key, I realized, was playing with masochists.

It’s funny how your personality changes in certain situations. I’ve noticed all these parts of myself that come out when I am doing certain things. The seducer, looking at sex as a challenge and an artform. The toppy boyfriend, with his sarcasm and teasing. The daddy, who is overprotective while being dirty. The aspiring rigger, with his knitted brow and stern focus. The sadist, who is almost constantly wearing an evil grin and always thinking of the next form of torture.

So as I was saying, besides the cadre of smart and sexy friends with whom I converse, there are a few smart and sexy girls that I beat up on a somewhat regular basis. It’s interesting, because in general these are not exactly sexual relationships, though certainly they all have sexual elements. Mostly, though, they are about administering pain.

For example, here is a tale of a girl – well not really one girl but sort of an amalgam of a few people I know. There are too many scenes in my head and writing about the important parts of each would take too long. But basically, this is what I’m talking about…

We had been on a few dates, after work drinks, talking and flirting and exchanging the social currency of anecdote and background.

In this time we used the complex mating language of eyes and subtext to explain our emotional availability. We danced around our proclivities. We ferreted out kinks and occasionally just came out and owned our desires.

Negotiation came later. By then we had reached that plateau of reasonable trust and adequate acquaintance. The fourth date would be at my apartment.

She was on her mid twenties, bright, educated, good job, interesting life. The city seems to either breed the complicated or pull them magnet like from all points of the compass.

Dark hair with severe bangs and thick glasses. She had a wealth of interests which showed her curiosity, which to me is the most important virtue. She was cute if not pretty but her style brought her look up. She knew how to wear clothes. She was an artist through and through, but more than that she was an artist who could make a living which was certainly a precious thing in this city.

“I’m a masochist,” she said rather plainly. “I had a boyfriend who I finally convinced to spank me, but he never hit hard enough and it always just left me unsatisfied.”

“‘I don’t want to hurt you, baby, I love you,’ is what he’d say.” she quoted in mocking a luggish tone.

I understood very well. The spanking was the gateway from vanilla to kink in many ways. It was still socially acceptable, if a bit risky by Cosmo standards. Still for many it was a glimpse of that new world we wanted to explore a lot more thoroughly.

Back at my apartment we had giddy grins and drinks. A conversation on the couch about work and the world, while both of us shifted closer and thought about how to start things.

“So, you liked that last story I wrote, hm?” It’s a way to gain a little control and bend the conversation towards where we both want to take it.

“Yeah, you could say that. I think I came six times. I soaked my sheets.”

I watched her eyes, there was some instinctual shame, but she actively fought it. She wanted to be bold, she wanted to own it.

“Well, I guess you owe me.” I said, reaching over and caressing her breasts, finding the nipple, pinching it roughly as I watch her reaction.

It was silly, really, but nothing is better than a little ego-stroking to build one’s confidence. I moved in and kissed her, then my hand moved up to her hair and pulled her head back so I could drag my teeth across her naked neck.

I’ll skip the rest of the beginning. I’ve certainly told the tale of a girl being bent over the arm of my couch and spanked far too many times. I will say this: While spanking her and getting her warmed up I did what I always do to partners in this situation. I progress quickly at first to find that line, how much they can take. There is always that level when they start squirming away from the blows. Some of them say “ouch” or the ones who are more experienced in more formal scenes even say “yellow”.

I kept hitting her and measuring and there was no yellow point. Harder and harder I spanked, but she gritted her teeth and took it. The few times I leaned over her body and whispered my little check-up questions into her ear, she just nodded. She was fine, I should keep going, harder.

That’s when I knew I was going to get to cane someone for real.

I only have one cane, though I am looking to remedy this. It is long and black and thin, sting-y and direct.

It’s sad, but I have to chide myself and force myself to start slow. I knew she had to be warmed up. I knew I had to be patient and calculating.

She is obedient and follows my every direction perfectly. Frankly it was all really more sensation play than dominance. A beating, not a punishment. I don’t want her to call me “sir,” I just want her to do what I say and take every stinging lash.

When I start, it is just a little bounce of the cane on her naked ass. Her skin is red from the spanking and flogging, with a circle of light purple where I had hit her the hardest, but the cane makes fresh and crisper red marks. Lines form, even from this light bouncing.

That first real hit, that first time the cane cuts through the air, is perfect. When the first blow lands her back arches. She takes it, but it is a lot even for her. She has only ever really had hands spanking her. I hit her three more times, once on each cheek and then once across both. Her hands don’t come up to protect her tender flesh the way other girls’ have, but she is suddenly still. I let the pain reverberate. I let her feel it and process it. I put my hand on her back and steady her, let her know I understand that it hurts and I am letting her deal with it.

Each time leaves three lines, red, then white, then red again. As I bounce the cane on her skin again I see that the four hard hits have started to bruise already. It makes me hard. It makes me giddy. I want to ruin her. I want to mark her. I want her to feel these marks all week and get wet every time she sits down and winces.

I go to work on her, bouncing the cane harder, making little syncopated rhythms that I remember my drummer friend taught me. I wait until the skin is red and hungry and then I hit her hard a few times, relishing each. I hit her harder, pulling my hand back farther and taking full swings that turn purple immediately.

She finally breaks a little and lets out an “ouch.” She doesn’t block me, though, she just slumps forward a little. I soothe her, I continue the bouncing as I pull her back into place. I place medium hits on spots that aren’t bruised. There is some minute change in her reaction and I take it as a sign we should move on for a bit.

When I pulled her up, her legs don’t respond properly and I am holding her. I laugh and push her against the wall. She gasps and smiles. I know the white wall is hard and cold.

My hand moved down her body and slips between her thighs. She is so wet her thighs are slick. She buries her head in my shoulder as the pleasure overtakes her for a moment. I push her away. It’s not cuddling time. It’s not pleasure time. Those will come.

I slapped her breast hard. Her eyes flash open. I cup each one and slap it down. She looks unsure how to take this. She is squirming.

“Do you like that?”

She nodded quickly, eagerly.

“Has anyone done this before?”

She shook her head. It’s hard for her to talk when she gets in this space. Important to note and damn adorable. I slap her harder, focusing on her nipples. Slap, slap, waiting for her wince, measuring out the limits of this new activity.

“Why do you like it?”

“It hurts.” She has that sort of look in her eyes that tell me that this was once something she was ashamed of, but now she was proud, or at least comfortable. Her tongue is thick in her mouth and it is hard for her to create sentences now, but she tried to continue.

“I also like it because I can see it. Usually it’s my ass and I can’t see it happen.”

I devour the flush in her face when she says this. This is useful information. Information means I can hurt her in more complicated ways.

I hit her breasts a few more times and relished her winces. She is so tough when I am spanking her, but her breasts are a lot more tender and she isn’t used to the sensations.

I was thinking of how else I could hurt her while she watched it happen. I like the idea of that. I remembered back at a sex conference when I watched a guy give a caning demo. It was really the first time I had ever seen someone get caned and the first time it really clicked that hitting someone and making marks on them was something I needed to do.

The top had his demo bottom sit on a table and he caned her lap. Talking to all of us as his rattan cane bounced up and down on her thighs. Progressing from tapping to hitting as she squirmed and moaned. That seemed perfect now. I got a towel and put it down on the cushion and then had her sit on said towel.

Probably my most powerful urge, one that’s been around a lot longer than sadistic desires, it to make a woman have an orgasm. Not help, not assist, but make. To force her to come. To have control over her body and her pleasure and to use a significant and powerful human reaction as nothing more than a tool for my amusement.

This whole time I was fully dressed. That was part of the scene, though I didn’t realize that for a while. She was a plaything, being stripped and used and played with. I was playing and amused by her arousal and entertained by her pain. She was naked because she is a slut and I am dressed because I am above the base needs she is tormented by, or so the game goes.

I got out some toys, fresh from ziplock bags, sterile and ready.

Some girls go into a dreamy place when they are being beaten. Some get feisty and fight back, kicking and cursing. This girl smiled, eyes just out of focus, and she giggled as she was hurt.

I plugged into the wall my favorite vibrating implement and shoved it between her half closed legs. I pushed her back a bit, manhandling her, and got the head of the condom covered toy against her clit. I closed her legs against it, letting the towel and her thighs hold it in position. As I turned it on I struck the tops of her thighs again with my cane.

She bit her lip, she ground against the vibrator and then winced as the cane left thin marks on her legs.

I switched to the riding crop, taking it to her breasts, the only place so far I was able to get a real reaction. I hit the tender bottoms of each breast, then the sides, the quick snaps on the nipples that made her cry out.

When I flipped her around, her knees on my couch and her arms and head hanging over the arm she was starting to get disoriented. I liked it when the pain and pleasure made them stupid. It is the point when you can really start to have fun.

I let loose with the cane a few times, the marks I had left before now a sharp violet. I crossed those line with fresh red and that made her jump. She wasn’t so tough anymore and when she pulled away from the cane I went to work on her with the vibrator.

This cycle started, cries and yelps followed by moans and whimpers. The cane and then the vibrator until she whined every time I pulled the vibrator away. I hit her a few more times and then held her down and pressed the vibrator on high against her sopping sex.

She mewed and tensed and came hard against me, pulling at my arm. When she was done pulled the vibrator away and just as she sighed in relief I pushed it back against her now over sensitive clit.

She fought against the overstimulation, but I held it to her, I let her ride it out until her hips were bucking again and she came even harder.

When she came down this time, I sank into the couch next to her and held her as she gasped for air and shivered. I petted her hair and smiled at her and soothed her, careful not to touch her still hot and stinging ass.

When we finally got up I saw something spectacular. It was my first real masterpiece. Her ass was almost uniformly purple with lines of wine red and angry pink and speckles of her pale skin showing through. I spun her around and marveled at it. Her thighs had a few scattered lines but nothing like her ass.

It was perfect. She kept touching the raised marks and smiling at her little prize. She was just as happy as I was, because this was the first time she’d gone this far and gotten when she’d been fantasizing about.

Through that next week I emailed her, checking in on the progress. The bruises lasted weeks. Those first few days she could hardly sit and she had to go to the bathroom of her office and finger herself because the pain was so intense and the memories so inescapable.