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The BDSM philosophy states that pleasure and pain are intrinsically connected. While both are thought to be on opposite ends of the scale when it comes to enjoyable sensations, BDSMers believe that the one can’t be achieved without the other. Pain is primal, and in order to experience true liberation, it must be embraced.

Introducing a little pain or degradation into your sex life can be a way of experiencing sex in a more all-encompassing way. Sex doesn’t have to be foreplay, penetration and orgasm. There are many more components to sex, one which the vanilla world completely overlooks.

So, if you’re looking to spice up your vanilla sex life, look no further than these top three BDSM sex secrets.

Hair pulling

This is an easy way to introduce a little roughness without the use of toys of appearing overly aggressive. The majority of sex positions place one partner in a position to pull the others’ hair, and this allows the partner to be as rough or as gentle as they like.

Hair pulling can be used to gauge your partner’s like or dislike for pain or assertiveness in the bedroom. The pain of hair pulling is also very quick to subside once the hair has been let go; it doesn’t sting or numb the area where the pain was inflicted, meaning that if your partner doesn’t like it, it will be quickly forgotten about. If they do like it, you can use this as a gateway into rougher sexual activity in the future.

Throw in some dirty language

Changing the way you communicate during sex can be the difference between a forgettable sex session and one you’ll both remember forever. Too often, verbal communication is completely omitted during sex, with both partners choosing instead to communicate through their actions or their moans of pleasure.

However, by throwing in some slightly-degrading terms in that, you can really spice things up. Instead of letting your heavy breathing do the communicating, try telling your partner they’re a dirty little slut who needs to be punished. Tell them if they liked being fucked like a nasty little fucktoy, or tell them you’re going to use their body for your own satisfaction and nothing else.

In addition to degrading language, it’s also a good idea to introduce terms like “sir”, “master”, “madame”, or “mistress” into the mix too. “Titles” like these establish a sense of dominance or submissive between the two parties without the need for physical representation.

Despite what some people may say, dirty talk during sex is one of the biggest turn-ons for both men and women. BDSM players know this, so start incorporating it into your sex to give it a little kinky spice.

Candle wax

In the vanilla world, couples might light candles before sex and use them to give the room an aura of sensuality. In the BDSM world, candles are used in a much more literal sense.

Dripping hot candle wax onto a partner is another way to explore the relationship between pain and pleasure in the bedroom. It might sound scary at first given its proximity with fire, but where there’s danger there’s eroticism.

Candle wax will provide a light tingling sensation when it connects with the skin, and will then immediately fade to a gentle tightening. It can provide an incredibly sexy sensation and can be used to varying levels of severity depending on your preferences.

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