8 Signs You Should Give Up On A Friendship

Sunday, 27 December 2015

A big part of improving your life is cutting out negativity, and a lot of the time that negativity can come in human form. One time a guy on Made In Chelsea said that there are two kinds of people in the world, radiators and drains, and he was absolutely correct. You know just by being around someone whether or not they leave you feeling warm and comforted or completely empty, and there comes a time when you need to separate one from the other, once and for all. Since these things are always more easily said than done, I've come up with a concise list of signs that it's time to pull the plug on the drains in your life.

So proud of that.

This is my friend Gabby. I am not giving up on my friendship with Gabby. It is just a picture relevant to the theme of friendship.

1. They're consistently flaky

Everybody cancels plans now and then. Sometimes things come up, and sometimes you really just need a day to yourself, but there's a difference between needing to reschedule once in a while and someone who consistently flakes out at the last minute. I've had instances where friends and I have had to reschedule plans two or three times before we actually meet up, but you can instinctively tell the difference between someone who sincerely wants to spend time with you and someone who's just making excuses. Long story short, you shouldn't feel like you're constantly having to chase down your friends.

2. You don't actually really want to see them

This is pretty self explanatory. Your friends should be people you like. If you don't actually want to spend time with them then that's probably a pretty good indication that at the very least you've grown apart.

3. Being around them makes you feel shit

Pro tip: people who make you feel bad probably shouldn't be in your life. Like I said, one time Hot JP off Made In Chelsea said that thing about radiators and drains, and he was spot on. If you think about spending time with someone and feel as though they're going to drain all your energy, confidence and will to go on, chuck 'em. I would say 'pull the plug' again but I already used that incredible joke in the intro.

4. You can have an entire conversation without being able to talk about yourself at all

I had a friend in high school who would call me, ask one surface level question and then talk about herself for the next hour. Generally speaking having the conversation lean more towards one person is fine, especially when it's a conversation about something specific that's happened in their lives, but this was every day. The exact same pattern. Even if I tried to change the topic it would go straight back to her. People being a bit self-centred every now and then is pretty normal, but when there's a consistent imbalance and it's clear that they don't really care about what's happening with you, it's time to move along.

Me as a floating head beautifully illustrating how feelings can change over time

5. They consistently prioritise other people over you

This is not to say that you should expect to be the sole focus of your friends' lives. I, personally, find it very confusing that I am not the centre of everybody's personal universe, but that's just life. Your friends are going to have other friends, and partners, and families, but there's a difference between them spending time with other people and consistently choosing those people over you. There shouldn't really be that many situations in which people need to actively choose between friends, so if you feel as though it's constantly happening then that's something to pay attention to.

6. They don't respect you/what you think or believe

Respect is the foundation of any kind of functional relationship. There is no joke here. Whether it's with friends, boy/girlfriends or parents, nothing is going to work if there isn't a mutual respect, because that's what's going to influence how you treat each other. If someone is belittling you, acting as though you're unimportant or making you feel bad or stupid for something you think or believe, then that's a pretty clear indication that there's a lack of respect. If you wouldn't treat someone they way they treat you, there's an imbalance, and if you WOULD treat them that way then m8, why do you even want to hold on.

7. They do something straight up shifty

This can mean any number of things, but you'll know when it happens. These are the obvious ones like hooking up with your recent ex, talking shit about you behind your back to other friends or consistently intentionally excluding you from plans. Not only are these sneaky manoeuvres indicative of the fact that this is not the kind of person you should want to be around in the first place, but it shows a massive lack of respect for you and the friendship on their part. Even issues that would fall under an ambiguous category like 'girl code' usually boil down to respecting other people and their feelings, so trust your instincts on this one.

8. When you do hang out it feels like work

Friendships shouldn't feel like work. A lot of the time they do take effort, in that it takes a level of commitment to make time for each other when you're busy or living in different places, but that effort still shouldn't feel like work. Compare the way it feels to spend an hour on a hobby to an hour at work. That's the difference here. All relationships take effort, but the ones worth keeping shouldn't feel like they do.