Amos is making a lot of typos today, Chongo. I think that perhaps he is experiencing extreme remorse over the very insensitive things he said about you, and has taken to the bottle. I do hope he doesn't do anything rash.

As for Rap, well...rash acts are pretty much daily normality for him, so I'm not going to worry about it. He has survived thus far, I expect he'll make out okay. Librarians, after all, are tenacious creatures.

Whoa da bus MOM! So, I got the truck on defrost and I am naked and the doorbell rings. I hastily get new socks and tighty whiteies on and it rings again so I return to tee and PJs and answer the door. It's a jolly very fat man with a big silver beard and he's got a Kissmeass present for me. Screw Sandy Claws... buddy is bearing a bo'le a mooze from The Granite Planet!

Chongo should know. I'll ask him. He said he hopes that Amos does not get eaten by a Killer Whale or a Polar Bear on this trip to Alaska. He advises staying on the boat, not falling overboard, and avoiding wilderness areas. It's touching to see how concerned he is about Amos's welfare, considering all the slights he has had to endure from the San Diego Bard.

Ebbie, I believe we do stop in Juneau somewhere around June 9 or 10. I was not planning to overlook the chance I might get to see you all, but it is still months away. I will send details soon as I know them for certain!! Tell KT, too!

JUNE!!!???? Do you know what the Alaskan seas are like in June? Mountainous waves! Blowing sleet that covers everything with inches of ice! Temperatures well below zero, temperatures so cold that your breath freezes as you exhale! Snow that's meters deep on the top of the mainmast! Polar bears on giant icebergs waiting to ravage the ship's passengers! Flocks of rabid penguins rampaging in the streets of the State capitol!! You're going to Alaska in June???

Thanks a lot. Kicking this up one, but now I'm trying to spiraling my brain around the concept of Fibonacci thingies, which results in my thinking that a toaster divided by a bagel should equal a toaster and a bagel divided by a toaster. But the rest of it has numbers in it, so I figure I need to toast a bagel.

You people make me sad sometimes. Here you are goin' on and on about a fictional "Mom" that is nothin' but a long-runnin' conversation on the Net. Meanwhile, I am still mournin' my real Mom who was deceased many years ago, way back before I left the Old Country (West Africa). She got ate by a damn leopard! After I learned the use of guns, I found that leopard and I shot the bastard, cut out his heart and liver, and ate them! And I shot more than a few of his relatives too over the next coupla years, put a major dent in the leopard population in that area. I see a leopard, that leopard is dead.

Rap and Amos been runnin' a false story about my Mom ever since I went into politics, tryin' to destroy my reputation. Pretty scummy behavior! They will be sorry someday.

Leopards are on the endangered list, and you have stated that you never returned to Africa. Which are we to believe? That you wantonly killed endangered species or that you lied in the first place? I'd also like to know if you've ever apologized to your mother and sister pimping them to Hector Ballsworthy.

Ya know somethin', Rap? Yer mouth is like a busted sewer pipe. It just don't stop gushin' the crap.

When the hell did I say I have never returned to Africa??? I been there on a few trips now and then, ya know, even checked out the old forest I came from on one trip, but didn't find much left of the way it was when I grew up there.

And now yer sayin' that leopards are an endangered species? Well, gee, what a shame! It'll be almost as bad as losin' the piranha fish to lose them leopards, won't it? Worse than losin' the mosquito! Look, buddy, if I had somethin' to do with puttin' them murderin' beasts in danger, that's just fine with me, see? I ain't sheddin' no tears about it, no sir! You mess with MY family, I mess with YOU!

I am startin' to lose patience with you, buster. Lemme put it this way. If Doctor Christian Barnard had lost as many of his patients as I am losing my patience with you, he'd have lost his damn license and probably have been charged with mass murder. You are pushin' yer luck, Bozo. Back off with these allegations about my relatives!

- Chongo

p.s. I ain't met Ballsworthy yet. I heard of him, though. If I do meet him, I am gonna fill him in on alla YOUR illicit activities real good, and yer gonna find yer ugly face plastered all over the craziest "news"paper in the UK under the headline:

Punk. My wife's an attorney. Go on, sic Ballsworthy on me. He'll face a libel suit so fast his eyes will bleed, so big I'll own not only his family jewels but the crown jewels as well, and you'll be sold to a zoo to help him raise the moolah.

And if you state, as you just did, that you were born and grew up in Africa, then you ain't qualified to be President.

You would qualify as a national tragedy too, Amos...if you was important enough to. As it is, you only rate high enough to qualify as a local tragedy. And I don't mean in San Diego. I mean on yer damn street. I doubt that anyone livin' a street or two over can be bothered worryin' too much about it. There ain't no use anyway, worryin' about somethin' that can't be fixed.

Mom, stop hanging out with the heavy lifters and get back home where you belong. After all, several of the muscle-bounds, like gnu, Amos, and me, are here. Oogling others as they work out is, well, inappropriate for someone as well-bred as you.

LH, you writhe and flail against the simplicity of a great truth, one which deserves more consideration and respect: reality exists.

While I know you, among many similarly water-logged souls, would prefer a brand of existence in which all reality was merely a matter of instantaneous whimsical consideration, I am sorry to say this is not the case. Reality exists, and is firmly bonded and rooted in the spiritual plane as well as the material one, a mesh of intransigent, intractable agreements that make up a space-time continuum in which we swim as fishes unaware of water.

Now I appreciate that here in the sacred Halls of Mom, we are all at liberty to spout alternative versions of reality in whatever lyric or blasphemous manner we choose in the spirit of True BS, and to raise the standard of such art as high as we may do, and while I celebrate that larky, inspirational undertaking, I think it is important to remember that True BS draws its power from marked contrast with the core tragedy of our shared existence, namely that reality exists.

Therefore, I urge you not to lash out with ad hominem assertions demeaning the character and vale of those who share these hallowed halls with you here at Mom's place. We few, we blessed few, who strive for the perfection of the still, small, but powerful voice of BS in the world, need to honor and cherish each other as companions in arms.

So when I prod you in recognition of the boundaries of reality, and chide your figments as not being of that sphere, you should understand as well that this does not mean I do not relish them as figments, as masterful embodiments of the BS art in form and function. Let the figments fly, good Hawk! And allow me to poke at them from time to time as a basso contralto counter-point in the symphony of our grand endeavour, without therefrom fleeing into the sour dark corners of dissonance and chaotic invective.

Now....don't get all verbose on me, Amos. I can only take just so much of that, you know.

It is more than crystal clear that reality exists. There may be a number of further realities also, though...always an interesting possibility. As for this common reality that we wake up to each day...oh, it exists allright! And, boy, does it ever get tedious at times.

Now, regarding Chongo...his reality has its own particular nature and follows its own typical path. Why do you insist on interfering in his reality, Amos? You have concocted dreadful stories about his alleged sister, to whom you have given a dreadful name. This is cruel and unusual treatment of an innocent ape who is merely trying to live out a life which makes sense to him. He naturally gets upset and he counters by interfering in your reality. He said today that he was shortly going to post something about how you hurt your back and gave yourself a hernia the other day when you attempted to lift your own ego.

Is it really necessary that we should carry on these pointless feuds between divergent realities?

Anyway, Chongo might get his feelings hurt! Think about that. And if that happened, he might commit random acts of violence in his reality.

You wouldn't want that to happen, would you? How could you bear the guilt of having caused it?

How are Gluon and the Freds? Any Good Ol' Boys wandering through the MOAB woods? I'm not talking about Chongo and Chinga and Shane. Seems we've gone a long spell without some major activity by our various magically real characters.

So, Amos, you intend to persist in spreading utterly false stories about Chongo's mother and his alleged sister? I find this odd behaviour for one who asserts that Chongo isn't real in the first place. Why would you invest your own time in inventing a fictional mother and sister for an already fictional character when you apparently object to the origional proposition of my spending time on creating fictional characters in the first place?

If Chongo is, as you say, not real...how can he be made to "feel better" by accepting responsibility for something you made up about him? The "not real" have no feelings nor can they be made to accept responsibility. Agreed? And they should not in any case accept responsibility for stories that others make up about them.

Now...I think you are real. It's hypothetical, mind you, because I haven't seen you face to face. I did talk to you on the phone a couple of times, but how do I know for sure that it really was you? I don't. Nevertheless, I take it on faith that you are real. I'm a generous soul. ;-)

If you are real, and I think you are, then I think YOU should take responsibility for spreading libelous remarks about Chongo merely for the purpose of...

1. bugging him

or...

2. bugging me

or...

3. providing yourself with some idle amusement

or...

4. all of the above!

How about it, sirrah? ARE YOU going to accept responsibility for your own shit-disturbing actions in launching these scurrilous attacks on Chongo Chimp, whether or NOT he is "real"? Well? Are you?

Oh, completely, Mister Hawk. I am totally and absolutely responsible for every word I writer here. The creation of Chinga and his mother, which you have often protested as being a cruel falsehood in the eyes of your own imaginary character, just demonstrates that when we have Reality, I can mock up a fictitious twist of fate as easily as you can, name it Chinga, and insist it is related to my copy of your fictitious Chongo. If we are going to throw fictions upon the common stage to be admired by each other, there's no basis for rebuttal of Chinga and her mother being the bereft and abandoned victims of gross irresponsibility on the part of a young chimp named Chongo.

But, now, oh my flutterbyes and furbelows, I have great news of much more import.

On Wednesday I am driving up to Los ANgeles to bring home the beautiful three-year-old Maggie, a mishmash breed of a lovely, gentle-spirited, lively-hearted dog. She has been belonging to my son, who has a small bachelor pad in West LA and works long hours and cannot keep the dog's lively interest up due to his schedule. So for the sake of the dog's happiness, we are taking her home with us and she will be my own dog companion. I am very happy at this prospect as I have been without a dog since I left my family hone lo, these fifty long years ago, more or less.

So, caloo, callay, say I, and here's a tall glass to the Mugwumps and Bandersnatches that make such happy changes possible.

Keep in mind that if you do stop attacking Chongo in this deliberately provocative manner (by inventing dire stories about what he's done to his supposed relatives), then Chongo will stop attacking you in retaliation for it. That's how it works. The side that threw the first stone is the side that is obliged to stop throwing stones. And that's you.

How about it? Man up, Amos. Cease these hostile actions against your primate brother Chongo and opt instead for a "live and let live" approach of mutual respect, tolerance, and acceptance. I'm sure Chongo will respond in kind, and he might even send you something nice for Christmas.

Sure, Amos. Go ahead and stop messing with Chonga. S/he obviously has been driven to Distraction (a town just outside of Buell, Idaho) by your comments. Why bring up what s/he did to his/her mother and sister all those years ago? Everyone pimps their mother and sister, no? Everyone kills their mother by breaking her poor old loving heart, just as Chonga did.

Yer a silly bastard, Rap. Just wait till you see the tell-all stories about you that are gonna appear shortly in the UK press, courtesy of Mr Ballsworthy. Oh, it is gonna be nasty! Yer gonna find out some really awful stuff about yerself that even YOU can't stomach. And that's....bad. I mean real bad. I feel for ya, man, I really do, but ya can only blame yerself for what is about to happen. You coulda opted to be a nice guy and treat yer primate brothers decently. You didn't. C'est la guerre, chump. Yer name is gonna be mud. Even the Westboro Baptist Church is gonna be better liked in this nation than you when this is over. I'd start plannin' on a complete change of identity afterward if I was you. Maybe get plastic surgery. Or a sex change...hmmmm...

Yeah, I can see you startin' a whole new life then as "Ms Rappette, born-again Christian and New Age yoga instructor". You could try bein' a lesbian too, cos that is very cool and trendy these days...maybe marry one of yer fellow lesbians and start up a talk show in San Diego or L.A., get to know Oprah personally, and even get to live right near yer buddy Amos. How about that for an idea?

Fine, fine, Little Hawk. I am sorry I impinged on your imaginary turf and set up a counter-creation. And thus causing you a Mock-Up Problem. You have, by the way, just passed the first level exam in "Handling Mockup Problems 101" by walking away from the silly glare fight and using communication instead. Next semester we will be devoting our attetion to the deep analysis of Misownership, Misidentification, and cross-creativity amongst non-consenting viewpoints.

Sooner or later we will find our way out of this damned entrapping universe and get back to larking among the Elysian Spheres.

Hear, hear, Amos. I accept your generous and well-intentioned response. Yes, I too long to get back to larking amongst the Elysian Spheres and experiencing peaceful and creative co-existence with other beings. This earthly realm is far too conflict-oriented for my taste. When I first arrived here as a child, I naively expected that everyone here would love everyone else, be harmless, help each other out, etc. It was one hell of a shock to find out soon enough that that was so often not the case. I've been troubled about it ever since. The fact is, I just don't relate well to cruelty, aggression, hyper-competitiveness, and other forms of insanity.

What fascinates me about Chongo is that he accepts the world as it is, takes for granted that he is going to have to deal with all that negativity, and still remains mostly cheerful in spite of it. He even enjoys the ongoing struggle for "survival of the fittest"! I admire his grit. Or his optimism.

I'm quite curious, Amos, what you meant by "Next semester we will be devoting our attention to the deep analysis of Misownership, Misidentification, and cross-creativity amongst non-consenting viewpoints."

Could you elaborate on that? I'm not being sarcastic when I ask that, I'm being serious. It sounds complicated. Do you feel I've been engaging in any of those...ummm...behaviours?...or what exactly did you have in mind?

Geeze Louise, man! You think you can just waltz in to MOAB and grab a number you like, without any of the sweat, pain, creative throes and angst that has BUILT this towering edifice???

One does not simply waltz into MOAB!

A

LH--your question calls for extensive discussion. That's why the subject is next semester. The confusions that cause solidification of beingness are rich territory for research and discovery, but I am confident that the elements I mentioned are key among them, and that anyone suffering the yoke of persistent, non-elective attachment to a physical form is heir to them, amongst other woes. The first error is identification of self with some sort of object, such as Chongo. :D

Tomorrow my Maggie Dogg comes home. I am as excited as a small boy before Christmas!