Thursday, May 27, 2010

After a l-o-n-g day with the kiddos yesterday, I attempted an hour of yoga drinking in search for relaxation. Turns out, all I need was my TiVo, where this haughty little clip was waiting for me. The Dish is my favorite show, especially since they spend half of every episode making fun of Real Housewives.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Between the pee pee pants, temper tantrums, booger picking, and other joys of spending my days with 5 year olds, I was in desperate need of a pick-me-up last week. Instead of crackin' open a cold one (or six), I did what any good little WASP in need of a high does: I found something to monogram. The culprits: my new $5 blue and brown bath towels from Target (what? I'm a t-e-a-c-h-e-r) and L&M Monogramming here in Charlotte.

Can you tell I was a photography major? Not from this picture. At.All.

Not only was it only $14 per set of towels to be monogrammed, they had them ready the.next.day.

Holla!

And don't they look pretty? I mean, they would look prettier if they

1) Weren't sitting on my bathroom floor in this photo

2) Hadn't had their picture taken with my blurry phone

But none of that is their fault.

I can't even tell you what a difference this made in my mood. (You may call this "pathetic" but I would just call you "jealous". Did you see the picture of how cute they are?) Every time I walk into my bathroom I stare at them lovingly, making sure the precious monogram is perfectly straight and centered. (See: cat lady.)

Not only that-I'm somehow more patient with the 5 year olds at work, picking my battles and using softer tones of voice. (FYI, telling a child to "zip your freaking lips" doesn't really sound nice no matter what tone you use. Live and learn.) I even let them have a Taylor Swift dance party this afternoon. Very un-Montessori. Very necessary for my sanity.

Must be the magic of the monogram.

Or the gallon of Chardonnay I suck down when I get home from work.

P.S. Apparently bright blue and chocolate brown is good feng shui. Perhaps listening to 5 year old tattletales all day negates the positive effects of feng shui, since I feel neither balanced nor calm. Hmmm.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Ok so I don't even have a "blogs of the week" column, but these two make me want to start one.

Both are slightly related to dear ol' Haughty by Nature in the fact they are pretty, preppy, and funny (what? no point in wasting time on false modesty). Both also seem to be effortlessly cooler and sassier. Haughty by Nature would be the red-headed stepsister of these two blogs.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Opened up this email from my dear friend Jeremy this morning. All I can say is thanks...I guess? I mean, he did compare me to Perez Hilton and David Sedaris, so I really can't complain, but then there were the parts about farting and Fag Hags...read on.

Jeremy and I as Britney and K-Fed circa Halloween 2008

Hey girl,

I was just catching up on your blog, and I forgot how much I desperately need you as my Queen Fag Hag. That's right, I just offered you the most desirable position any woman would truly die for. This opportunity won't last long (actually, it will last indefinitely until you decide to accept)...so act fast...or not.

You should really consider writing...not full time, because I'm sure the children need you more, but certainly as a hobby. And by hobby, I mean one that pays. You are ridiculously good! You remind me of a female Perez Hilton, minus the ugliness and lack of classiness. Actually, if you have never read David Sedaris, you really should because I look forward to your writing just as much as I do his. He is, by far, my favorite writer, which puts you at either a tie, or close second.

(P.S., I'm in Starbucks right now, and I actually just farted out loud. Nobody heard...I think, but I had to admit it to someone that it actually just happened. Whatever, coffee makes me gassy.)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Seems like I am doing something productive with my sick day after all. (Since I define "productive" as stalking blogs, refusing to change out of my nightgown, and nursing the same cup of coffee all morning.)

While taking a sick day for my mental health, among other things (like a stomach bug), I have a few things I need to accomplish. Unfortunately I'm easily distracted by early morning talk shows, Google, and basically anything that hinders productivity.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I usually avoid festivals/craft fairs/Civil War reenactments of any sort, mostly because:

1) I enjoy sitting down

2) I like the shade

3) I don't particularly care for large crowds of people (probably because I don't particularly care for most people)

Adrienne, Amy and I sitting in the shade. I whine, I get my way. Simple as that.

Luckily, my dear friend/social coordinator Amy promised that not only would last weekend's Beer, Bourbon, and Barbeque festival here in Charlotte be free of sweaty rednecks/creepy cat quilts/men dressed as Confederate soldiers, but my ticket got me unlimited (you guessed it) beer, bourbon, and BBQ all day. (Come to think of it, Amy would have made a great Phi Mu social chair, since she bases our weekend festivities on wherever there are handsome men and flowing drinks.)

For her, I made an exception. Simply because:

1) I like beer

2) I like bourbon

3) I liked BBQ-until I participated in the day's pig races. After that I liked mac n' cheese. What kind of sick person has pigs racing around for cheese doodles while their kin are being served on a bun next to them at a BBQ festival?

Hell, I'd run that fast for a cheese doodle too.

Less haunting were the billy goat races. Upon seeing said billy goats, my glamourous, Charlotte debutante of a roommate confessed that, at the age of 6, she had owned a billy goat named (drum roll please)...Billy Bob. (How long did that take you to come up with Elise? Days? Weeks even?)

After five minutes on the hot asphalt I'd had about enough of barnyard shenanigans and was ready for a drink in the thimble sized glass they gave us upon arrival. Luckily for me, the Jameson & Ginger line was empty while the line of people waiting for some nasty pomegranate beer juice wound around the tent. I would have mocked and cajoled the men waiting for a shot of warm, berry beer, but I was too busy getting refills since all those suckers were in the other line.

My fellow Florida alum Adrienne and I noticed there seemed to be a lot of FSU fans in the crowd. 100% wore tank tops. 100% had man boobs that would have spilled out of my bra. Sick.

I also discovered my new lover, Bourbon Sweet Tea. (I never thought I could love anything as much as sweet tea vodka..sniff.) I sampled two different brands, and by "sampled" I mean I suggested to the bartender that she just hand me the whole bottle to save herself the trouble of pouring me teeny tiny little glasses of it. She wouldn't listen, even after I coughed up a few George Washington's to put in her tip jar.

I thought it was much more flavorful than sweet tea vodka, which tends to taste watered down to me no matter how I drink it.

Once it gets to be summertime, I'm going to make myself an awesome drink using this:

Haughty Arnold Palmer

(You should probably just go ahead and make a double recipe for yourself)

1.5 oz Sweet Tea Bourbon

3 oz lemonade

Serve ice, stir, you get picture.

What tops the day's events better than cole slaw on your BBQ sandwich? My friend P Tuns calling as soon as I'd left the festival, where he'd decided to take a "quick nap in the bushes". When awaking from said nap, he'd found himself still drunk, disoriented, and alone, but apparently coherent enough to call and bum a ride from his neighbor. Oh well. I got some Chik-fil-a waffle fries in exchange for a ride home.

P.S. Unlike Carolina Cup, I only had to buy one ticket this time!

P.P.S. Rest in Peace, Billy Bob. Turns out you didn't go live on another farm after all.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Book club contains a trifecta of my favorite things: reading, talking, and drinking. A lot.

Plus, except for the month you have to host, it’s free wine and food all the time! (Even better is when other members get pregnant. More wine for me!)

This month's read: The Memory Keeper’s Daughter…a hauntingly beautiful tale of a family torn apart by a secret, blah blah blah...enough of that. Most of us didn’t even read the book. One member even tried to cheat by watching the movie, and then realized she had accidentally watched The Time Traveler's Wife. No biggie.

Since I was the Haughty Hostess with the Mostess this month, I also had to cook. (Cooking only happens about once a month at my home, probably because it always involves the smoke alarm going off.) Since I only know how to cook fajitas (and by "cook fajitas" I mean "brown some ground turkey and put it in a wrap"), I had to make some phone calls. Thankfully my Haughty Mama came through, as always. Her advice: skip cooking dinner for the masses and instead serve heavy hors d'oeuvres.

FYI, saying you are serving "tapas" sounds a lot better than "I kind of forgot I had to feed ya'll until 10pm last night, so here are some chips and dip."

Black Bean and Corn SalsaThis salsa turns out so pretty it deserves to be served in a clear bowl.

Mix beans, corn, and peppers together in large bowl. Add cilantro and avocado. Stir in Italian dressing, stick it in the fridge, and let it chill/marinate/do its thing for a few hours (if you can wait that long). Serve with tortilla chips. A spoon works, too.

"Haught" Artichoke DipThis is one of Haughty Mama's classic recipes. For all 24 years I have been on the planet, she has taken it to every dinner party and social function she has ever been invited to-even if food wasn't being served. It's so easy, and "real fattin'', so the masses love it. You will too.

This is where it gets easy: put all three ingredients in a big bowl and stir it around for a bit. Put it in a baking dish, sprinkle with paprika, and bake at 350 until brown on top (15-20 minutes). Serve with Tricuits. (Not those Thin-Crisps, the real thing.)

I also had some olives, cheese, fruit, and a Lemon Meringue pie made by my dear friend Sara Lee.It was all so easy, I had to put an apron on and rub some flour on my face to make it look like I'd been slaving away all day. (The I knew the plan had gone sour when Elise asked "why do you have flour on your face? You aren't even baking.") Oh well. The beads of sweat were real.

Since it's book club and we can't get too crazy before everyone has to drive home and go to work in the morning, we drank wine spritzers (plus Pinot Grigio and Merlot were 2/$8 at Harris Teeter).

Rioja LibresAccording to my well-traveled roommate Elise, this drink is super popular in Spain. Some consider it a lazy-man's Sangria. I consider it awesome.

3/4 cup red wine

1/4 cup of Coke or Coke Zero (and no, Pepsi isn't the same)Serve over lots of ice, and add some fruit if you really want to make it like Sangria.

White Wine Spritzer1/2 cup club soda1 cup white wineAdd a lemon or lime as a garnish and serve over ice.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Let's face it: this season of RHONY has lost it's...whatever it had before that made it so awesome. Gone are days spent lounging in the Hamptons with witty one liners by Bethanny. In their place is a never ending cat fight regarding things that happened last season. I think I may have fallen asleep during this episode for a minute or two and woken up when a commercial came on. Nonetheless, I remain a devoted follower. At least we have Sonja now to breathe in some new life. In ten words or less, here's my review of this week's episode:

Jill: Not buying your book since you make someone cry every episode. (Ok that was 11 words. Nobody's perfect.)