Noah Blundo: Let's make a deal: Will it be Lever No. 1 or No. 2?

Sunday

Jul 29, 2007 at 12:01 AMJul 29, 2007 at 7:28 AM

A troubling and common problem faced every day in America and many other countries by people of all walks of life – even the moonwalk – is that nagging, inadequate feeling we all get when we realize that our toilets have only one flush handle.

Noah Blundo

A troubling and common problem faced every day in America and many other countries by people of all walks of life – even the moonwalk – is that nagging, inadequate feeling we all get when we realize that our toilets have only one flush handle.
So I think the reading public will be overjoyed, or at the very least ordinarily joyed, to learn of the latest development in booming and innovative Toilet Technology Industry: the Twoflush.
I very nearly missed being notified of this exciting development, but luckily an editor mentioned the word "toilet" as she was throwing the press release in the trash can, and I immediately plucked it back out. As I scanned the description of this device, I felt there was a real need to inform the public about it. Also, I realized I haven't written about toilets for more than a month.
Basically, the Twoflush modifies your throne to have two handles. Lever No. 1 triggers a half-tank flush, lever No. 2 a full-tank flush. This is supposed to conserve water because you can switch between the handles depending on your reason for visiting the bathroom. I'll spare you further details. Suffice it to say that Lever No. 1 and Lever No. 2 are highly appropriate labels.
And the best part is that it's theoretically simple enough for a non-plumber like me to install on my own personal toilet. I think the product has merit solely on that basis because it would give me the first opportunity since I was 2 or 3 years old to be proud of something I did on the potty all by myself.
Of course, the Twoflush people warn on their Web site that you might at least want to keep a plumber on standby because "working on your toilet can be intimidating" – by which they mean "don't blame us when your entire house is lifted into the air by a geyser."
But as interesting as this dual flush innovation is, I'm fresh out of toilet jokes, which means it's time to move on to another groundbreaking invention: Bacon Salt.
My college roommate pointed me to Baconsalt.com recently, where I learned about two guys named Justin and Dave, of whom I am insanely jealous for coming up with the word "bacontrepreneurs."
In a nutshell, Jason and Dave wanted everything they ate to taste like actual bacon, not just bac-o-bits or some other cheap substitution, so they invented a seasoning salt to do just that, which would be a challenging task under normal circumstances, let alone while in a nutshell.
Proving themselves to be master marketers, the duo also landed a positive review from a woman who actually said, "This product will change my life." I imagine she doesn't get out much.
The culinary mavericks even offer recipes to go along with their seasoning, including one for, I kid you not, bacon mayonnaise, probably aimed at folks who think a regular BLT just isn't bacony enough.
There are also baconized recipes for steamed clams and spaghetti carbonara. I have to say, when you insist on adding bacon seasoning to gourmet dishes, I think maybe the obsession has reached unhealthy levels.
Though not as unhealthy, of course, as it would be if they put actual bacon on everything. If they did, I imagine they'd be making heavy use of lever No. 2.
E-mail Noah Blundo at noah.blundo@timesreporter.com.