There Ought to Be a Law

1. There ought to be a law that only the winner of any public fight is arrested, no matter who started the fight. The winner would be determined by a combination of sustained injuries, eyewitnesses, and professional (law enforcement and medical) observation. This law would diminish the number of such altercations, since neither participant would want to be judged the victor.

2. There ought to be a law that any bicyclists caught running a stop sign or traffic light, neglecting to signal on a turn, or impeding traffic flow should forfeit their bicycles for a period of not less than one year.

3. There ought to be a law that anyone holding up a line—in a bank, a grocery, a coffeehouse, or any other public establishment—with idle chitchat should be gagged and remanded to solitary confinement for 24 hours. Repeat offenders should be force-fed seltzer and bean stew and then made to wait outside a lavatory door while people inside the lavatory engage in idle chitchat.

4. There ought to be a law that any owner or employee of a telemarketing agency should be immediately deported to an island on which no one speaks English and no one communicates with anyone who has ever spoken English.

5. There ought to be a law that anyone posting any of the following on Facebook without asking prior permission from all their Friends should be banned from using the Internet for six months:
• a request for acknowledgment that it’s good to love your mother, or father, or sister, or brother, or son, or daughter, or any other relative
• an expression of gratitude for any general part of the population, e.g., nurses, soldiers, veterans, firefighters, or garbage collectors
• a call for solidarity with people who have a particular disease
• a video or quotation from a video that originally aired on Fox News
• an update on some game the person is playing
• a post consisting solely of a pleasantry, e.g., “Good morning!,” “What a great day!,” or “Have a wonderful night!”
• any animal video that isn’t unequivocally cute

6. There ought to be a law that prohibits official expressions of religious fealty from governmental and public educational—oh, wait, there already is a law about that.

7. There ought to be a law that sets the acceptance of evolution as the minimum requirement for both graduating from high school and running for public office.

8. There ought to be a law that permits people to expose any part of their bodies anywhere except where food and drink are sold (after a while, we’ll all get accustomed to it and it won’t be any big deal). Laws against assault and luring would of course remain on the books.

9. There ought to be a law that any executive or Board member of a company receiving government subsidies or tax breaks worth more than one million dollars a year should be periodically tested for drugs, particularly Hypocrisan, a narcotic that causes chronic hypocrisy.

10. There ought to be a law that permits possession of an unlimited amount of guns but restricts sales of bullets to government dispensaries, and no individuals except hunters would be allotted more than three bullets in a lifetime. Hunters would be allotted 12 bullets per expedition.

11. There ought to be a law that allows anyone to marry anyone else, as long as both partners have consented, are over 18, and possess the appropriate mental faculties to make such a decision. That includes people of same or different sex, race, age, religion, political affiliation, ethnic background, psychological disposition, and probably peanut butter preference. Litigation will determine the latter.

12. There ought to be a law that bans commercials featuring pathetic-looking children or small animals with maudlin music in the background.

13. There ought to be a law that limits the weather segments on television news programs to one minute, except in the case of impending or current calamities. Typically, everything of meteorological importance—i.e., what the local weather was today and what it will be in the near future—can be communicated in one minute.

14. There ought to be a law that bars gas stations from using 9/10 of a cent as part of a price; similarly, there ought to be a law that bars any vendor from using 99 cents or 99 dollars as part of a price.

15. There ought to be a law that financially compensates blog writers for their insightful commentary.