So ḥarām it’s ḥalāl

Autopsy reveals Omar Mateen died of “masculine toxicity”

A post-mortem examination performed on Omar Mir Seddique Mateen after his death has confirmed suspicions that the deceased died of a deadly masculine overdose.

According to the report released by the Salon Medical Examiner’s Office, Omar Mateen passed away on the night of June the 12th after shooting up at Pulse, a gay nightclub located in Orlando, Florida.

The three-page document also revealed that the deceased suffered from “chronic androgenism”, a congenital disorder characterised by the development of malignant growths between the mons pubis and perineum.

“At the time of his death, Mr Mateen had enough masculine coursing through his veins to kill 49 people,” said Amanda Marcotte, the forensic pathologist who conducted the autopsy.

Indeed, conservative estimates indicate that the highly addictive drug, which occurs naturally in the cajone cactus and produces effects similar to those of anabolic steroids, is responsible for 100% of all fatalities every year.

Despite the fact that the official cause of death is listed as “masculine toxicity”, trace quantities of homosexuality (chemical formula: 2Ga Y 4U), and homophobia (I H 8F Ag S) were also found in Mateen’s system.

The former, a stimulant, is sometimes used in combination with the latter, a depressant. It’s unclear, however, whether “screwballing” played a role in Mateen’s tragic death.

Nevertheless, Sitora Alisherzoda Yusufiy, Mateen’s ex-wife, has claimed that the deceased frequently complained of symptoms commonly associated with bruxism, a condition that often affects those who, due to excessive long-term abuse, have built up an intolerance to homosexuality – or Grindr, as it’s also known.

Before he died – that is, whilst he was alive – Mateen called 9-1-1 and informed the dispatcher that he had self-administered a lethal dose of proscription pills. For this reason, the blood, hair, urine, and tissue samples taken from the deceased were also tested for Islamism (S U Ra Ta La Ra F 80). The results, however, proved inconclusive.

In fact, given the overwhelming amount of insufficient evidence, it’s far more likely that Mateen was on The Christian Right (Ge Ne Si S 19), which is classified as a Schedule I drug under the Controlled Substances Act of 1970.