Deport Bieber

The single best way to improve America's quality of life.

By Emily Zanotti – 3.20.14

As mid-year elections approach, it’s unlikely that Congress will undertake any major effort to change the status quo as it pertains to immigration. The mere suggestion of a change to policy in the areas of border security, interdiction and enforcement, guest worker programs, visa requirements, deportation, and approval sends scads of well-meaning older adults to their phones and fax machines, intent on papering their legislative offices with as much outrage as they can muster between rounds of Wheel of Fortune.

But perhaps there’s a leap forward in immigration policy we can all support, left and right, young and old, those concerned with the future of rock and roll and those still concerned that Elvis once appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show with his hips in full swing. There’s a solution that could save our children, save our country, save our ear drums, and save our municipal law enforcement from drunken Ferrari drag racing for months.

America, it’s high time we deport Justin Bieber.

For the uninitiated, Bieber is the pre-teen product of the Canadian state media’s domestic content requirement. Rising to fame against a backdrop of such talent as Anne Murray, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback, and heir to the legendary rock traditions born in America’s lesser sibling to the north, Justin quickly obtained a large following of tween girls through a variety of YouTube performances, where quality cannot be measured accurately by people of reason in the outside world. He released an album with a few iTunes-exclusive tracks, was quickly recruited for a remake of “We Are the World,” and like all beloved pop cultural icons ultimately destined to degrade American culture, was adopted by the Obama White House and asked to perform at its annual Christmas extravaganza.

At this point, Justin Bieber hit both puberty and social media, failing to embrace one and mastering the other, acquiring one new Twitter follower every two seconds. While the Obamacare marketing team has failed to court his impressive sway over the youth of America, he was quickly drafted by marketers who recognized that his following would be willing to purchase anything regardless of quality. By late 2013, Bieber had acquired a “swag coach” to teach him how to dress the part of an unruly Sunday bruncher, a healthy disrespect for authority, and a number of wax copies from Madame Tussauds, whose talents were relatively indistinguishable from the original.

So why send Bieber back to his native Canada, outside of the obvious taint he’s left on a growing segment of the population whose psyches need to be recalibrated before they are officially allowed to vote in the next presidential election?

Well, perhaps in frustration at a lull in his career, Justin Bieber has begun to inflict himself on the people who are valuable to our society. Just a few short months ago, Justin’s Los Angeles home was raided by police after a neighbor reported that Bieber and his friends threw eggs at her home causing $20,000 in damages. A member of his entourage, his friend who goes by the name of “Lil ‘Za,” because more than a single syllable per word is frowned upon, apparently, was arrested and charged with felony drug possession.

Shortly thereafter, Bieber gave up his Calabassas home (it was purchased by a Kardashian, of course), and relocated to Miami, where was arrested while allegedly street racing a friend’s Ferrari while under the influence of marijuana and Xanax, according to police reports. Always the gentleman, Bieber resisted arrest and repeatedly swore at the arresting officer, according to the officer’s narrative. He then failed a field sobriety test and the challenge of looking like an actual criminal in his mugshot. He also failed a urine test, videos of which a Miami-Dade county judge ruled could be revealed to the public only with the genitals blurred so as to prevent any further embarrassment for the singer. Because if there’s anything Justin Bieber is not clearly used to, it’s embarrassing himself.

Not to be outdone by celebrities who’ve handled their run-ins with law enforcement with grace and aplomb, Bieber attended his video deposition with his best attempt at facial hair and a contentious attorney, where he snarked at a judge and finally left the room after being questioned about his relationship status. He also, in an apparent attempt at showing domination over the scene not unlike those apes who display their pink bottoms to ward off National Geographic photographers, popped his collar before exiting the scene in a huff. At his preliminary hearing, which determined that the trial would be broadcast for your enjoyment, Justin cried.

Now, if convicted of a felony, it is possible, under existing American immigration law, that Justin Bieber can be determined to be the menace to American society that he is and systematically deported back to Canada, where they will have to keep a close eye on him as punishment for any recent transgressions, including, possibly, the sudden Williamsburg, Brooklyn hipster interest in poutine. And the process has already started: a petition for deportation on the White House’s WeThePeople.gov has already garnered more than 250,000 signatures, which should prompt, according to the rules, an official response from the White House. (The State Department has already taken time out of its busy schedule of writing strongly worded letters to Russia — “we’re cancelling your XBox 360 Gold Package, Vladimir Putin!” — to comment). One can only hope that the White House and Congress both recognize an imminent need and the potential for bipartisan agreement that would likely benefit not only the stability of our nation, but it’s overall quality of life.

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