I have a confession to make. I’m in a three-year committed relationship. I’m a hopeless romantic who thinks soul mates are real. The love of my life shows his love for me by spanking my ass.

And I hate Valentine’s Day

I always have, probably always will. It started when I was dating my now ex-husband. We went out to dinner on Valentine’s night and screamed at one another in a restaurant parking lot because we had a two-hour wait - because he insisted on waiting for a seat in the smoking section to open up. Yes, I’m so old I was dating when people were still allowed to smoke in restaurants. No, I don’t know why I didn’t see that moment as a sign that we wouldn’t be together forever.

Anyway, since then, it’s not my favorite holiday.

Of course, I’ve also been dumped right before Valentine’s Day. My marriage broke up right before Valentine’s Day. I’ve been alone and lonely on the one day devoted to a Hallmark version of love.

So I know what it’s like to really want the day to be over and to look forward to all the chocolate that goes on clearance the day after (which is the real holiday, if you ask me).

With that in mind, let’s talk about how to love yourself this Valentine’s Day, instead of worrying about making that reservation, finding the perfect card, or wishing death and destruction on all happy couples everywhere

Masturbate

Okay, you may have noticed that I’m a big fan of this one. It does a lot of good for us - relieving tension, helping us sleep better, giving us better sexual satisfaction. I wouldn’t be surprised if it cures the common cold. (Although I tried that when I was sick recently, and it didn’t help. Maybe the answer is to increase the dose. Hmmm….)

Best of all, you can do this by yourself or with your Valentine. In the shower. On the bed. While watching Netflix. Would that be foreplay for the “chill” part of the evening?

Either way, I say give yourself an orgasm for Valentine’s Day.

Buy a new toy

Okay, I guess I have a one track mind. My gift to you this year is to encourage more orgasms. But you can do this in a few ways.

Spend the evening checking out adult websites, browsing through all the available toys. Cock rings? Rabbits? Anal plugs? Oh my!

Or, if you’re feeling adventurous and want to get out of the house, go to your local toy store. We have one in my area that has great customer service. The salespeople take toys out of the package, put in batteries, and let you get an idea of what it will feel like. (On your hand! Don’t get any pervy ideas!)

Watch porn

Yeah, I’m nothing if not predictable. But this can go one of two ways.

One, you watch some porn, get all hot and bothered, wank off until you pass out, and sleep like the dead. Which, by the way, is better than getting all hot and bothered and then drunk texting your ex about how much you miss them (don’t even ask how I know).

Two, watch bad porn (which is, sadly, easier to find than you might think), give a running commentary while laughing your ass off, and fall asleep with a different kind of smile on your face. Extra points if you live tweet it. #BadPorn #SadPorn #LaughMyAssOffPorn

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about the fancy dinner or the cards and flowers. And it doesn’t have to be ignored just because you don’t have a date. Sex it up, alone or with your partner, and make it about the orgasms instead of the Hallmark sentiments.

Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. Follow her on her website or on Twitter @Kaylalords.