HELP KIDS DISCOVER THEIR SOFTER SIDE

by Jo Ann Wentzel

We constantly hear so much bad news about kids we tend to forget that
all kids do not engage in bad behavior. We dwell on the fact that often
kids today are cruel, cold, and unfeeling. We know that does not describe
them all.

Even tough kids, those street -wizened and hardened- by^life ones, usually
have a softer side. Sometimes, we don't see this side. There are two reasons
for that. Number one is that when kids are busy getting into trouble,
they keep us fairly busy also. We are dealing with the results of their
bad behavior. We are involved in finding appropriate consequences and
developing ideas to prevent a rerun of the situation in the future. We
really are not looking for their good points. The second reason is that
tough kids hate to let anyone know they've got a softer side. For them
to appear caring or gentle, especially in front of their peers, is not
something they want to reveal. To be soft or caring makes them appear
and feel vulnerable. So, it is easier to be angry, rebellious, and tough.

Recently, while doing an interview on a very unrelated subject, I was
told a story. The folks I interviewed have a wild animal sanctuary, which
will soon be opened to the public. Part of their advertising and educating
the public involves taking baby lions, tigers, leopards, bears etc. to
schools and nursing homes. It was during one of these sessions that a
small miracle took place. It was an inner-city high school with lots of
tough kids. The wildlife sanctuary staff was told to expect neither much
response or orderly classroom. The kids may not pay attention or even
acknowledge your presence, she was told. The teacher said that was their
usual way. The lady was not worried; she saw the magic of these animals
before.

The class was in awe and amazement at how close they could get to these
wild animals. They could touch them, pet them, hold them, and feed them.
One very large young man weighing about 260 and towering over this little
lady at 6' plus, took a liking to one of the cats. When she needed someone
to hold that one during a demonstration, she handed it to him. He held
it like a baby; stroking its fur, and hugging it close, gently whispering
to it. She let it remain with him for the rest of the class. The class
was over and the regular teacher looked at her with amazement. He had
never seen the class so well behaved or so interested in any topic before.
Then he looked at the very large young man, still clinging to the cat.
"Unbelievable," he whispered, nobody can reach that kid. Finally, it was
time to take the animals home. The lady went to put the last cat in the
traveling crate and he handed it over reluctantly. When he thanked her
he had tears in his eyes saying he had always wanted a pet, and to be
able to actually hold this wild animal was unbelievable. The gentle giant
had shown his softer side.

I have seen girls with tattoos, wild clothes, and inappropriate sayings
written across their hands, become the most caring of mother's when they
had a baby. Older teens constantly in trouble with the law became compassionate
helpers to elderly people. Another street teen, I knew well, spent a good
part of his early adulthood caring for a child with severe emotional and
learning disabilities. He showed a gentle, loving disposition most would
not have guessed existed.

Our kids need to find their softer side. We need to assist them in its
discovery. Give them opportunities to display it. When a person can relate
to some other living thing, no matter what that is, it has benefits for
both of them.

The attitudes and mean thoughts that precede violence are sometimes indulged
in while attempting to look and act tough. They may not be the "real person,"
but what their peers expect of them. It is really difficult to show the
caring part of your personality when you are trying to keep face in front
of your "set." There is no way when your whole "I'm bad" act is the only
way you can relate to the other girls to shift gears and suddenly get
all lovey-dovey over anything. You must keep this part hid if you are
going to be successful in your relationships with those your own age.
Somehow we must help kids know this is an admirable quality, not a shortcoming
to act with compassion.

Foster parents must create an atmosphere in their homes, which promotes
these kind and gentle feelings. We must encourage kids of all kinds and
both sexes to engage in activities which reveal their softer side in a
safe environment. If they cannot express this part of their personality
within their home, where will it happen?

Our male children have often grown up in a society that does not allow
them to have a softer side. We want boys to be tough, strong, unemotional,
not easily upset or hurt. Guess what? In many cases that is what we have,
boys who cannot feel. Even girls have sometimes been raised to be afraid
to let anyone see their emotional or caring side. This is stupid. If we
want good kids who care about others, we need good parents who show love
and compassion. We need people who are unafraid to be caring and loving.
This means having a softer side. A hardened person cannot adequately express
this feeling that all children need. Both boys and girls will be parents
some day. Shouldn't this part of their personality be developed?

Foster parents are told to not show emotion when caring for kids, don't
love them too much. I repeat this is wrong. We must teach love and caring
along with discipline and rules. You can love without coddling. You can
still be firm. The combination of plenty of love and discipline is the
most successful one you will ever discover.

Parents learn about how to use tough love and sometimes this is a necessary
tactic. Unfortunately, many parents never were loved as they should have
been, so do not seem to know how to teach this or encourage kids in having
a softer side. No matter what strategies you use for discipline, teaching
and showing love must always be part of this.

Kids need to insolate themselves from the cruel world and some of the
rotten blows it has dealt them. It is so much easier to do this when you
treat everyone with roughness and dislike. When kids are allowed something
to be "soft" about, behaviors often improve. Eventually it can carry over
to their everyday life and more of their time is spent being a caring
person.

Finding the right area for your child to develop and display his softer
side takes some investigation. All kids are not born animal lovers. Many
think flowers are a waste of time. How many teens do you know who will
be moved by beautiful poetry? Probably not many. Sometimes, however, when
they are exposed to the beauty of nature, they are moved. Most kids will
be kind and loving to babies or little children. I've seen many who have
a soft spot for the elderly. Compassion may only be brought out when they
are confronted by folks with disabilities. Abuse victims are also often
the key to discovering their soft side.

Whatever it takes, to help kids find that place or thing or person that
they can feel kind toward, do it. The road may be difficult when you have
a teen who thinks the tough persona is all-important. But, if you never
give up in your quest, you will discover that one area, that particular
thing that makes your hardened, street-wise kid turn to "mush." A soft
kitten, a puppy licking their face, the beauty of a sunset or a wild meadow
strew with flowers could be the key to opening up that hidden place. Anything
that causes someone to feel deeply is a good start. A living thing that
you can connect with and interact with are most successful, but anything
that brings them closer to feeling and expressing love is welcome.

Foster parents; I know how busy you are already. You have too much work
and too little hours, but find one more. Use this time to help your kids
care for something. Help them love something and let you all discover
their "softer side." And thanks for fostering.

Between the years of 1966 and 1993, I brought children into life, into
my foster home, into court, and into their own apartments. Mother of three,
two natural children born to me and one foster kid who never left our
family, grandmother to five, foster mom to over 75 kids, and mother, friend,
guardian angel, or their worse nightmare, depending on which of the other
hundreds of kids you ask.

A quarter of a century devoted to raising children, learning what issues
concerned them, volunteering to help groups serving kids, and teaching
others what little I know. Life Ready was our own business where we installed
kids, who had no other choice, into their own apartment. My husband and
I, as para-professionals, also were contracted by counties in Minnesota
to supervise kids and work with families to help get foster kids back
home. Before foster care, I was a licensed daycare provider and cared
for all ages of children. During foster care, our specialty was teenaged
boys and we had a group home where we served up to eight youth at a time.
Street kids and gang members were among those we worked with and families
ranged from traditional to what in the world. Our kids came from all over
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, and North Dakota. Volunteer positions were
held in Pennsylvania, Texas, and Minnesota.

I have held the position of Guardian-ad-Litem in Goodhue County, a paid
not volunteer position. I trained to be a surrogate parent which enables
you to sign I.E.Ps for children whose parents can't or won't. I have taken
Mediator training for Minnesota court system. With my husband, I presented
a seminar at the Minnesota Social Worker's Convention in Minneapolis,
spoke at the Federal Medical Center( a prison), and gave several talks
to school classrooms.

My book is about the experiences and adventures of a foster parent. It
encourages creative parenting and offers useful methods and ideas for
everyone raising kids. It features just a few of the many wonderful kids
that lived with us.It tells how we ran our home of as many as eight teenaged
foster kids at a time. It is written from the viewpoint of the expert,
the one who does the job, the hands on provider- the foster parent.This
book is currently looking for a publisher and will be available just as
soon as we find one.