Another guy at the other end of the bar says to the bartender, wow, imagine them both being from the same town and same street...and the bartender says , nah....it's just the Kelly brothers drunk again.......

From a book called "Disorder in the American Courts," these are things people actually said in court, word for word, recorded and published by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

This collection of statements has been collected from REAL insurance claim forms submitted to insurance companies by members of the public. Following driving incidents and accidents, drivers are asked to give the details of what happened in the fewest possible words... Sometimes with hilarious consequences!

Car Accidents...

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife''s face.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

Incidents with Pedestrians

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

Collision and Calamity

Some drivers can have accidents even when there are no pedestrians or other vehicles in sight...

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don''t have.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

I pulled in to the side of the rode because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

Who is to Blame?

Drivers are often asked to explain on the insurance claim form who they think was to blame for the accident...

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past Three in the
morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , And we are small and insignificant.<br> Meteorologically, it seems we Will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.'

I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2..50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB 50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. 'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes! Yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

A blond goes to Victoria Secret and buys up several bras and panties. She asks the clerk if the saying "If you can read this, you're to close" be embroidered on them? Sure, says the clerk. Would you like it in script or block writing? the blond asks, can it be done in Braille?