Thursday, 10 May 2012

I don't want to be that weird, creepy girl

Sometimes I meet people and I know instantly that they are awesome! They laugh at the same things I laugh at, they share similar views to me on things, they are clever, sassy and generally pretty neato (I'm mostly talking about other ladies here), and I think to myself, you're pretty fantastic and I would love to have you as my friend and do stuff with you and hang out and talk about life and love and stupid things we've done. Then comes the kicker. How, as a thirty something grown woman, do you ask another grown woman over for a play date or out for dinner, without seeming like a weirdo / lesbian / desperate / friendless / loser?

It's much easier for kids to make new friends, they just say stuff like "I like He-Man and you like He-Man and I think that makes you totally the best and we should be best friends forever until we're like, old and wrinkly and our butts sag" then they piss themselves laughing and the friendship is cemented. But that just doesn't fly as an adult.

I am very aware of coming off as too needy. I'm also aware that I am very much a home body and I don't like to spend a lot of time going out to pubs and clubs and drinking. It can make things hard when, for a lot of people, that is their whole definition of socialising. My preferred Modus Operandi is dinner at home, hanging out, chatting, discussing movies and music and philosophising on how things work and why people do stuff, and getting hit under the table by the HSP when I try to talk about politics or religion or other serious issues.

I'm always terrified that inviting someone to my house for a meal and the above makes people think we are boring and/or odd. So I usually end up doing nothing and that makes me a little bit sad. I think however it's time to take more risks, to be boring and odd and risk rejection because you know what? If they don't want to hang out with us talking about He-Man then they obviously weren't that awesome in the first place!

Do you struggle as an adult to make new friendships (that didn't originate online)? What do you do to overcome this?

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comments:

I haven't actively tried to find new friends for many years now, so I can't really answer if it was a struggle. I have found new friends in that time, but i would say they were just natural occurances, like you say, you can know instantly.

Even people i consider close friends though, i don't really think i need to see them that often, so it doesn't really make me sad. For some reason, it is annoying though that as i have gotten older, if on the odd occasion i do want to get together, it is such a hassle to organize. It's not just me, the other person has a family, their own life and things going on, that make it harder than just going over a friends house after school ever was.

The reason i'm not altogether fussed about it though is because the vast majority of my time then is spent with the people who i do really want to spend it with. I think, why stress about making or seeing friends? I have everyone that i need to have around me already, friends are just like having your cake and eating it too. In the worst cases, friends can interfere and ruin the harmony of just having those you really love close.

For you though, i think you just need to remember that chances are the other person is worrying about the same things you are. You should call them up, tell them your worries, they'll tell you theirs and then you can forget about them and do something together.

This is an interesting post. I generally feel the same way as you about it. I have a hard time making new friends and I often feel that I will come across as too desperate. My husband would just tell me to stop being so insecure about it, which I know I am! I certainly overanalyse situations and people probably think I don't care that much about our friendships because I hang back so much so as not to seem too forward.

It's not really that I am actively going out to find new friends, it's more that I meet someone through my kids activities or work or other friends and think "wow, you're awesome". I am a big believer that each person comes into your life for a specific purpose and reason so I try not to over think it too much but I do worry about looking too desperate!

My husband would tell me the same, but it's not always easy to quiet the irrational part of our brains.

I was once told by someone I considered a very close friend that I expect my friends to be too loyal. She then ended our friendship. That hurt me a lot and I try really hard to never have that happen again. As a result I am probably a bit more reserved than I used to be and sadly, slightly less trusting and a lot more fearful. Sometimes you just meet people who are so awesome you can't help but be drawn in, and it's finding that balance between stand offish and desperate that's the key. If you figure it out, let me know!