Tag: United States

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a design segue intended to bolster faltering sales volume of panties and bras, the fashion lingerie trend-setter Victoria’s Secret has introduced a stylish line of women’s’ retro coveralls, just in time for the coming Christmas season. The company, which sells more than $6 billion worth of lingerie annually, stated of the move: ‘the fashion industry has always been about change and we are just doing our part to remain relevant to our clientele.’

FauxNews Today was able to arrange a conference call with several of the large investment firms that buy, sell and trade shares of L Brands Inc., which owns Victoria’s Secret, to hear their take on the new direction that the company has taken.

Some of the Wall Street wolves are not so sure about the new strategy.

“The only reason we bought the shares in Vicky’s Secret was for an advance look at the catalogues,” said James Exmeralda, the manager of a hedge fund that currently controls eight percent of L Brands stock. “If I wanted to see women in coveralls, I’d go down to my local garage.”

Others, however, see it as a bold move in a business that: ‘sometimes suffers from a lack of imagination when it comes to garments for women.’ according to Donelda Harkness, an arbitrage trader for a $75 billion wealth management company.

Another hedge fund executive, Lauren Hindsinger supported this position. She allowed that the VC retro coveralls line was a “refreshing change” that would cater to “an untapped demographic”.

Hindsinger also announced to all on the conference call that: “the only reason that I won’t call Jim Exmeralda a scum-sucking, sexist, Neanderthal pig is that it would be an unforgivable insult to respectable swine everywhere.” Source: FNT Staff

NEW YORK – The three main statistical ratings agencies, Standard & Poor’s, Moody’s and Fitch, have come out as unanimous that countries that function as benign anarchies with sock puppet leaders have the most stable societies. These findings fly in the face of previous studies, where AAA ratings were only bestowed on countries with thick layers of government control and massive bureaucracies.

Oliver Barnstable, a kombucha analyst with the ratings-agency group, said the reversal of the top-tiered status quo left him dazed and confused as to the natural order of things in life.

He said he felt that the new findings had nothing to do with the possibility that the previous ratings might have been based on a completely false precept and grossly exaggerated data leading to a blatantly bogus ratings narrative.

“I just don’t get it,” Barnstable said. “Why would people actually be happy out from underneath the heavy hand of the state, where they could have considerably more freedoms and even think for themselves? It’s not normal.” Source: FNT Staff

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