Hello folks, this week’s FLEXPERT will be joined in progress because of news The Apocalypse has finally arrived. Wait, what? THE APOCALYPSE?????? WHAT’S THAT UP THERE? IS THAT A MAN WITH A GOLD CROWN SITTING ON THAT WHITE CLOUD LIKE UNTO THE SON OF MAN… AND WHAT’S HE GOING TO DO WITH THAT SICKLE?? NOW ANOTHER ANGEL’S COMING OUT OF THAT TEMPLE, CRYING UP TO THAT CLOUD GUY! NO, HE DID NOT JUST ADVOCATE THRUSTING HIS SICKLE TO REAP? REAP?? REAP!!!! THAT CAN’T BE…

Oh… (pressing hand to ear) I’m now being told that the Four Horsemen have not descended from the heavens and the day of judgment is not upon us. Again, Judgement Day. Not happening. To sports, where Trent Richardson was traded from the Browns to the Colts. In exchange, Cleveland will receive Indianapolis’ first-round draft pick in 2014.

That’s all for now, we’ll now rejoin the FLEXPERT, already in progress. Tonight, Pat’s guests will be 1983 America’s Cup winning skipper Dennis Conner, Commander William Riker and Sting. The wrestler or singer/songwriter? Stay tuned to find out. But first, a special comment…

People, I get you’re excited a trade happened in the NFL, but please, lets dial it back a notch, OK? I didn’t think much of it until this invaded my screen:

@ThePME should I trade ap and wayne for t rich, l miller and steve smith?

Here’s what’s going to happen: Richardson is going to go Indy and be better than he was in Cleveland. The opportunity to play with legitimate, pro-quality offensive talent will make anyone better. But that won’t happen this week. Who knows how many snaps he’s going to see joining a new team/offense, and even if he touches the ball 20 times, he likely won’t do anything with them playing against the 49ers… In San Francisco…. Probably in FU mode after getting rolled over in the mud Sunday night. If I’m wrong – so what – it’s one week. It’s certainly not worth the gamble, and there is a silver lining: I still own T-Rich, in a much better situation… for the rest of the season!

Also, stop talking about Willis McGahee like he’s reincarnation of LaDanian Tomlinson (Fun Fact: LT, Not actually dead!). He’s a fringe Top 30 running back… AT BEST. If Richardson couldn’t generate any production in that offense, what makes you think less than a year removed from knee surgery, washed up, previously collecting unemployment insurance, Willis McGahee will be close to as good? Is he worth a speculative add? Absolutely. So are Chris Ogbonnaya and Bobby Rainey in super deep formats. I’ve picked up McGahee or Ogbonnaya – whichever one was left – in every 12+-team PPR league I’m in. But they’re not going to appear in my lineup and I didn’t drop anyone with even a modicum of potential for either. I sent the likes of Keenan Allen, Christine Michael, Austin Pettis and Mike Gillislee to the scrap heap for a new lottery ticket. Not Knowshon Moreno, Bryce Brown or Ryan Mathews like some have wondered. If that thought was so pervasive in your mind, I hate to tell you, but you may HAVE LOST IT.

Quit over managing your team. If you play in a 10-Team league, there’s probably no need to even touch him. And actually, for what it’s going to cost to acquire McGahee’s services, it’s really not worth it. Don’t blow your FAAB budget, don’t waste your number one waiver priority on him.

******NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING******

On April 17, 1954 in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan – the real frozen tundra – the world got its first glimpse of Rodderick Toombs. He was born into the archetype of Canadian families of the time. Father an RCMP officer, mother a housewife; one of Irish descent, the other Scottish. That the nuclear family unit wasn’t for poor Rodderick, though. He said “that’s enough” with school in his early teens and hit the road staying in hostels, picking up whatever work he could find and even learning the bagpipes in that period.

After running errands for professional wrestlers as one his many odd jobs, Toobms got an opportunity to actually step into the squared circle in Winnipeg – At age 14, no less. His first opponent? Larry “The Axe” Hennig, aka Mr. Perfect’s dad. Bagpipes in hand, he stood behind the curtain waiting to come to the ring. And his moment came. The screeching drone of the doodlesack was designed to inspire vitriol from the crowd, and it did. But that wasn’t the defining sound of the night. Nor were the provoked jeers emanating from the stands. No, the only audio that would reverberate through time would be spewed from the mouth of the night’s ring announcer, “Entering the ring, from Glasgow, Scotland, Roddy the Piper.” Ten seconds later, he was pinned in the center of the mat. Didn’t matter.

This was just the beginning of his capricious behavior.

Over the next 40 years, no one person – OK, maybe Chris Jericho – has embodied the entertainment aspect of “Sports Entertainment” more than Piper. “Hot Rod” swiftly became a Gold Gloves boxer before turning to a full-time life of pro wrestling, and even then, things were never as they seemed. Piper worked all over the continent, jobbing matches from Texas to my neck of the woods, the Maritimes. But eventually the travel paid off and Piper landed a gig in 1975 as a “heel” – bad guy. No, not Razor Ramon – with the Hollywood branch of the NWA. Beginning his ascent as the most original antagonist in wrestling history. Bold statement? Sure, but it’s true. And it had nothing to do with his in-ring work. No, Piper was the first wrestler to rise to the top just through talking. He’d bully the other performs on the mic; then switch his sights on the crowd. And when words would no longer suffice, he’d apologize and attempt to make amends.

In 1977, after hurling some incredibly un-PC comments to the ethnic crowd in Los Angeles, Piper, breaking character, claimed he would do a rendition of the Mexican national anthem on his bagpipes to make amends. Only to swerve and belt out “La Cucaracha” instead. Walter White, you taking evil notes?

Eventually, if any promoter had a fresh new “face” – good guy – to get over with the fans, he would feud with Piper. Or if they needed someone to be hated more, Piper would pop up as their manager. He was so hated at one point in the early 80s in Georgia Championship Wrestling he was inserted into the broadcast as the arrogant color-commentator. When he finally made it to the WWF in late 1983, he started launching racial epitaphs at Jimmy Snuka and managing the real “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff, sorry Kevin O’Leary. After he’d been established as caitiff to the masses – which didn’t take long – he was used as a conduit to get a young Hulk Hogan over with the fans. It worked. All Piper needed to do was kick Cindy Lauper in the head. He’d do imperious interviews on major outlets like MTV, and during his own side-skit Piper’s Pit, and it just made people hate him more.

Piper had hit the peak of his profession. However, in real-life, he hadn’t evolved much from the Canadian kid who hitchhiked through the Prairies trying to make a buck wherever and however he could – Just looking for the next job.

Since the mid-80s Piper’s held a passel of vocations on top of working in the industry: Radio, television & podcast host, singer, songwriter, producer, wife swapper, interview coach for MMA fighters and most importantly, actor. He appeared in music videos, on scripted TV – that wasn’t wrestling – reality TV, and major motion pictures like They Live, Immortal Combat, the attempted sexual thriller Dead Tides, just to name a few.

Unfortunately, his overall talent worked against him. He was too talented just to simply stay put and bask in what he’d already achieved. He wanted something more, and that made him wildly unpredictable. Where would he pop up next? What level of effort would he give? These are the questions that were asked. It damaged his consistency, and thus isn’t remembered the way he should be.

Maybe that’s what he wanted. I mean, when he had Frank Williams on Piper’s Pit and beat the generic name right out him, Piper looked directly in the camera and summed up his entire career with one definitive statement…

And, at the moment, there are a scad of Fantasy players living by that mantra. We don’t know what to make of them. Because…

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE ANSWER, THEY CHANGE THE QUESTION!!!!!

Josh Gordon – What a week to come back, huh? I was a huge proponent of Gordon in the preseason but I’ve taken out a restraining order on him until after Sunday. He’s not allowed within 645-leagues of my lineup against the Vikings. And it’s not all to do with Brian Hoyer getting the nod under center. Frankly, there’s probably no difference between Brandon Weeden, Jason Campbell or Hoyer – they all reek. No, I worry about the Vikings defense unleashing Hell on the Browns’ offensive line. Minnesota doesn’t do much well, but getting to the quarterback is easily its second biggest strength after “having drafted Adrian Peterson”. Unless you’re completely out of options there’s no need to be starting Gordon. Although, if he has a crummy week you can probably get him on the cheap over the next week. Something to keep in mind.

Coby Fleener – I lucked out big time. I threw in a bunch of bids on Fleener during the waiver period, got him for essentially nothing and, then, news breaks that Dwayne Allen is finished for the season with a hip injury. Great luck is 84-percent of the reason I win so much at Fantasy. This doesn’t seem like it should be that big of a deal, considering Fleener did nothing in Week 1 then lit up – 4-48-1 – the Dolphins, even though every tight end seems too, but it really is. Detective Coby built some buzz before the season started when Pep Hamilton signed on as the Colts new offensive coordinator. Expectations were that Hamilton could design an offense that used Fleener as effectively as he did when he was the OC at Stanford with Andrew Luck. But there was that pesky Allen, snaking a TD in Week 1, leaving Fleener just another faceless TE lingering on waiver wires. Now no longer an issue, Fleeener is going to take that leap into “must-own” tight end/bench FLEX status. Expect to see his name etched into the Top 10 of the position by the end of the season.

David Wilson – Touched on Wilson’s prospects last week, but there’s basically no scenario where I’d be shoving him into my lineup against Carolina. It’s just foolish. At this point, Wilson’s less trustworthy than me left alone with your girlfriend. Making him a negative 3.4 on a scale of 1-10. Still, now that everyone is calling for his head, don’t you get the feeling this is the week he breaks off the 17-183-2 game? It would certainly jibe with the ebbs and flows of Fantasy Football. For the moment, even if he flames out again this week, keep firing off as many scumbag offers as possible and hope some panicky owner finally gives in. Or, if you have an open roster spot, go stash Andre Brown if he’s available. He’ll be worth it down the stretch… just need to get there first.

Jaquizz Rodgers vs Jason Snelling – This is an odd scenario. Logic dictates Rodgers – as the primary backup, terrific pass catcher – will soak up the touches and outperform Snelling. But I’m just not buying it. While “The Situation Noir” is a capable pass protector, Matt Ryan knows Snelling got his back… literally. Plus, he has the body type that can withstand the punishment of pounding the ball between the tackles, and even if he doesn’t Rodgers’ hands or quickness, he’s still fine pass catcher. Maybe I’m bias on this, though. I’ve had a long-standing crush on Snelling ever since he went off for 176 yards and 3 TDs in Week 2 of 2010. Winning me that week, I may add! And a date with the Dolphins’ barbarous bruisers – better known as their pass rush – anticipate seeing the team’s premier blocking back taking the majority of the snaps. Giving him the potential to swing your match up from a loss into a win.

Oh, if he only ends up with 2 rushes for 5 yards, I don’t want to hear about it, OK?

Roddy White – Bench him until he shows any productivity. If it means you leave a big performance on the bench, so be it. Shit happens when your party naked. Be very wary “buying low” on him too. High ankle sprains tend to persist for extended periods, especially without proper rest. And I think practicing and playing qualities as “without proper rest”. I’m still in the Hot Rod market, I’m just not willing to give up a credible starter for him, and if we witness another week of White posting wretched totals, you won’t have to.

James Starks – You made a mistake adding James Starks. Unless you got him for nothing, I suppose. That likely didn’t happen however. Plucking him off the wire cost you a top waiver priority or a bunch of FAAB bucks. Here’s the thing: Starks looked awesome against the Redskins – he really did – but Washington may be the worst run defense in the league. Bottom three, at best. This week, they face the Bengals, a run stopping unit more legit than Hammer. Then, the Packers go on bye. Upon their return, Eddie Lacy will be healthy and inserted back as starter. Congratulations!

You should have spent your cash on…

Eddie Royal – Not saying he’ll be legit as Hammer – really, who is? – but Royal has serious upside – maybe as much as Don Jon.

It looks too good to be a letdown, right?

Same goes for Royal. He’s a calculated gamble. The Chargers are back to passing as much as humanly possible, and there is a dearth of quality talent in their receiving game. Now, with Malcom Floyd out for at least this week –probably more after this devastating hit – Philip Rivers has to rely on him. He can’t just stare down Antonio Gateson every drop back. Actually, he might just do that. But Gates can’t always be open – he’s 67-years-old and weighs 372 lbs. So opportunity is there for Royal to excel. He’s been getting a passel of redzone targets; it’s who The Riv is looking for the most in that area.

Maybe he doesn’t reach Don Jon heights of awesomeness but, at worst, Royal will be a solid WR3/FLEX that you’ll never feel bad about putting into your lineup. Exactly my sentiments about the new Ben Affleck/JT gambling thriller Runner, Runner. It probably won’t be great. Actually the odds of it turning out to be a quality film are the same as needed to go runner, runner double gutshot to win a pot. Maybe worse. Yet, when it eventually comes on cable, I guarantee it will always be intensely enjoyable, despite its awfulness.

Joique Bell – An active Reggie Bush slightly diminishes his productivity this week, but not by much. For the first time in the Matthew Stafford era the Lions seem relatively committed to running the ball. Against the Vikings in Week 1, Stafford handed the ball off 27 times. Last week, 17. Of those 44 carries, Bell received 14. Certainly not enough to make a gigantic impact, but the right amount to remain on the radar each game. But, when coupled with his work leaking out of the backfield, it’s totally different. Bell’s banked 10 receptions through those the first two weeks, sixth in the league among running backs trailing only Matt Forte, DeMarco Murray, Darren Sproles,Jamaal Charles and Ray Rice. Bell’s the secondary back on the team, that’s just a label – he gets Fred Jacksonlevels of usage. And, someone you need to go out and target immediately. In PPR formats I’m confident calling him a Top 20 RB for the remainder of the season.

Should have done it before this week, though. Bell is going to explode against the Redskins.

Coming into the year it appeared like Washington would actually have a respectable defense. They weren’t a travesty last season, and now the unit was going to get an injection of Brian Orakpo and Brandon Meriweather. Apparently, it was a lethal dose. At this avenue, I imagine they’d have issues stopping the corpse of Gene Siskel from breaking off 15-yard gains. After two weeks, the ‘skins have ceded 405 yards on the ground – I hear that’s not great. Not to say they can’t be torched through the air either, I believe Aaron Rodgers revealed that to be a possibility last Sunday posting a Madden-type stat line.

It doesn’t matter how the Lions go about slicing up the defense because Bell will be active in both schemes. With Bush in the game, Bell’s just around the 15 th ranked running, but if Bush is watching in street clothes, bump Bell into the Top 5.

Rashard Mendenhall – Let’s set the facts straight: Mendenhall is terrible. But that’s all right, since the other backs on the Cardinals should be sent to the Gulag for their lack of talent. He won’t be losing carries to the Duke of Ellington anytime soon. At first glance it doesn’t seem like Mendy’s 31 carries are all that much, until you realize this is the year of the anyone-but-running-backs. 31 carries is good for 13th in the league. And a bulk of touches against the Saints is going to prove fruitful. Especially considering Mendenhall gets the touches inside the 5-yard line.

New Orleans is giving up 5.5 ypc to running backs entering Week 3, and I’m guessing they haven’t plugged those holes in the past six days. It won’t be flashy, in fact it may be excruciating to watch, but Mendenhall needs to be in your starting lineup.

Greg Olsen – With Dexter finally coming to its lackluster end, Michael C. Hall’s doppelganger, Greg Olsen is just starting to heat up. The Giants have been anything but defending tight ends thus far. They were shredded by Jason Witten in the opener and Julius Thomas found pay dirt against them last week. And, with Olsen such a focal point of the Panthers offense there’s no reason to believe he won’t do the same.

Both Witten and Thomas received identical looks from their QBs against New York, 9. And those 18 targets translated into 14 receptions. That’s a fairly high ratio. Meaning, the two big men saw so many balls coming at them because they were wide open. In the Panthers two games, Olsen has been targeted 17 times, expect that number to be like me by the end of the week – pushing 30.

I’m clearly down on Tom Brady, but I do have some buy-low offers queued up to fire off as soon as he finishes struggling against the Bucs. Brady will be fine going forward, potentially still a Top 5 pivot. He just needs time to develop a rapport with the young receivers. Oh, and get Gronk and Amendola back of course – I figure that may help. Eventually the offense will be cohesive, and coming down the stretch into the Fantasy playoffs Brady gets Carolina, Denver, Houston, Cleveland, Miami and Baltimore weeks 11 through 16. On first glance that looks horrible, but all those teams excel at stopping the run, they can be aerially assaulted with little effort. And i hear it’s too late to start trying to develop that STAR WARS defense system again. It’s probably too early to think that far ahead – things can change very quickly – but the buying window on Brady won’t remain open for long, so why not do it now?

SUICIDE LAY UP

Seattle. Come on, is there anyone else to pick?

WEEK 3 RANKS

Rankings set to PPR scoring format:

1 point for every 10 yards Rushing/Receiving
1 point per reception
6 points per Touchdown

Points per reception (PPR) scoring must be treated differently than standard leagues. Receivers and scat backs like Darren Sproles, Jacquizz Rodgers and Roy Helu have inflated value in PPR scoring. As do possession receivers – Wes Welker, Danny Amendola and others in their mold are safer options. Catches tend to be more consistent and predictive. Obviously, touchdowns and yards are still important, but when considering FLEX options exploit any advantage you can. For standard scoring, running backs with hands of stone like Alfred Morris, BenJarvis Green-Ellis and Daryl Richardson all see their stocks rise without catches in the mix.