Dragon Heart here. I appreciate the opportunity to be able to contribute to this blog as a guest. I can appreciate where you are all coming from and where you’re at. I’ve been there too. I thought I’d start with posting something I wrote almost 15 years ago when I was frantically searching for answers and had begun to put together a list of what I found. I needed this list so I wouldn’t forget and fall for the lie over and over any more.

I called it “What I’ve Learned About Narcissists So Far” and I’ll post it here just as I wrote it then: (thanks for reading, I hope it helps you.)

What I’ve learned about Narcissists so far:

1. In the beginning you’re so important to them, they’re so good to you, charming, etc. you think they’re your soulmate. They promise to be someone who loves you and thinks you are special. They mirror to you your ideal partner/friend/etc.

2. Then they turn the mirror around so that your job – as they define it – is to provide supply for them. If they sense reluctance or you’re getting tired or complain etc. they will turn on the charm to disarm you and keep you in your proper place – as a host.

3. No empathy or compassion = they cannot feel the feelings you feel.

4. At times in rage or frustration or impatience when their supply needs are going unmet you may see their face transform into a hateful, monster-like look so alien and surprising you are caught off guard and are confused or shocked by it. It is as if their craziness shows through.

8. They exhibit “Talk Salad”; a term used for the way psychotics throw all sorts of words around mixed up. The N throws key words around without the meaning or the feeling WE know them to mean, e.g. love, close, bond, communicate, promise, change. They learn what words you use when you talk about what you feel, need or want and throw them back to you in a “salad” in a conversation where you heard the key words but you have a confused sense about the conversation and what they really said or meant. They throw words with deep meanings to us around like razors and then charge in like vampires to suck the life energy draining from us.

Confusion: it doesn’t make sense to you that they cannot relate to love and kindness, you can’t comprehend that love doesn’t work or heal this person, you don’t realize what comes natural to you is not in everyone. We cannot grasp a lack of conscience, we feel what is right/wrong inside of us and assume they do too. Example: They don’t break a law/rule because they don’t like the consequences (jail, losing supply), we don’t break a law/rule because it doesn’t feel right.

MANIPULATION TACTICS (how they get you to give them their N-supply)

• They accuse you of being uncaring or ungrateful if you resist doing what they want and of course, for loving people being unloving is the absolute worst thing to be, we jump to prove how loving we are because we assume they are telling the truth.

• They like vulnerable, needy, giving, shy people that they can use.

• They withhold love, attention, appreciation and being reciprocal which keeps you working hard towards that end, keeps you off balance, needy, etc.

• They distort or invalidate your reality and feelings, you feel crazy.

• You’re made to feel guilty if you’re not meeting their needs or expectations.

• They have you believe that to feel loved or special you have to do what they want and expect.

Misc. statements I can relate to from N-support groups online:

“It does something to your motivation to do it all over again (trust again, work toward your hopes and dreams again)”.

“It feels like a part of you dies. It feels like your life has crumbled or was lost, you feel shattered or in shock.”

“We believed wholeheartedly something that turned out to be an illusion.”

“Recovery is possible, it may take some time You had a blind spot and when you realize you had it and that someone was intentionally working from that place to use you, it can feel devastating. You might feel there is no point to your life now. You might feel now you have to start all over again, now you have to make new dreams and try to live with the reality that the old ones are gone forever. ”

“Recovery is a process, it can include being side tracked, relapsing into old behaviors or beliefs, is hard to do alone, can feel like a long road, never-ending, wondering how you’ll ever get back to your “old self”.

“You may feel feelings of grief, anger, pain, loss, hurt, anguished, as you deal with some of the hardest things a person is forced to accept. No matter what you do – they don’t feel your love. We might think they can if only we could give enough. ”

“We instinctively know to give love helps people heal – but not the N’s, they are taking it for other reasons and it does nothing for them nor does it make them love us. The rug is pulled out from under you, they don’t love you back, we can’t grasp that rejection because we can’t grasp selfishness, or deliberately using someone while pretending to love them and we didn’t know that love does not work with all people. ”

“Faith is a difficult thing to maintain after so much major disappointment. We may question life/God/purpose of life, etc. ”

“While one is healing there is a tendency to be needy You want to trust but sometimes you have to step back.”

“You may jump at any crumb of attention or “love” and are vulnerable Sometimes there are no answers. ”

“We had become blind to the one-sidedness of the relationship and always wind up giving far too much and receiving little to nothing. We were blind to deliberate deceptiveness. ”

“You’re trying to fight for love, the N is fighting to save and keep his/her supply.”

“We have a lot of losses to grieve.”

“We may have been distracted and missed out on things or failed to take good care of ourselves.”

“We need time to digest all of this.”

“It’s difficult to explain it to others.”

“It’s as though they’ve blemished our very being. ”

“They don’t see the light that shines in us. ”

“N’s might be “crazy” or have something wrong with them, something missing, but they can be intelligent, they can look very good on the outside. They are like aliens under cover.”

What Can We Do Now?

#1 – Create a network of healthy people

#2 – Actively take care of yourself, treat yourself good, examine what YOU like and realize what you deserve.

#3 – Seek help if you need it

Dealing With The N:

1. Become contrary (do the opposite of what they want, reverse psychology)

2. Refuse quietly or simply rebel

3. Distract them with flattery or praise, (“you’re so good at that”, etc.) and then get away from them

4. If you want them to do something – tell them it hurts your feelings

5. Agree with them and then leave before they get to the destructive stuff (“maybe you’re right”.)

6. Set guidelines, boundaries with consequences – do NOT discuss it

7. Avoid all or most interactions with them

8. Employ emotional insulation (“shields up”) in their presence

9. Become indifferent to them (your face is blank, let your thoughts wander, your thoughts are elsewhere, your posture is relaxed, flat expression in your eyes, don’t sit directly across from them, you are not aware of any particular sensation, tune out their feeling words, you hear words but not feelings. You are aware of their existence but that’s all.)

10. DON’T use logic and rational arguments

11. DON’T try to get them to assume responsibility

12. DON’t tell them your hurt

13. DON’T point out how unfair things are

14. DON’T attack or be sarcastic

15. Disappear

16. There is no hope for it to work out, it gets worse, they won’t change, cut your losses or lose more, don’t wait for what they promised, it was never there for them to give.

17. Trust yourself.

18. There is hope for you.

19. You can recover, you can heal, you can grow, you can change, you can be happy, you can be loved, you can move on, you can do it.

Thank you for being there for me.

Recent Insight: If you seek approval from others, Narcissists smell it on you like a shark smells blood in water.

Comments

I have a MSW.ADM + I have been physically/emotionally abused my entire life. I have over 70 yrs of abuse , I continue to be abused by our family whose father/my husband is Bipolar & narcissistic who is conning/manipulative to distract his mental illness which is hereditary. There are 3 grandchildren one is on many drugs to regulate his rages. Self medication, oxycodone/ Zanax denial & hostility describe my husband’s MH. If I interject my educational knowledge I am negated. I’ve been in counseling alone and w/husband who rages through the sessions. My grandson whose severely Bipolar fell and is a paraplegic. The sadness in his eyes portrays his feelings. My mental health is not good due to my family issues.

Thank you so much for this article. I ‘ve been in a relationship for 6 years and I just realized this year he was a narcissist. I had been through so much trying to please him and make him happy that sometimes I would forget about myself. Although, he does not use me in a way that you would think. He can cut it on and cut it off. Depending on what’s going on. The reverse psychology and the inability to accept responsibility is what really kills me.

This is an excellent article! Thanks a lot for sharing your valuable insight with us. Yesterday, I had the most annoying experience with the narcissist (and a turning point in a relationship) What happened: I gave him a birthday gift a couple of days ago, N received it gladly and then he returned the gift to me yesterday, saying that it isn’t his preferred variant of the product, and that he doesn’t think that he should keep something that he doesn’t like. N simply refuses to acknowledge any emotional value to the present, and treats the gift-givers as minions whose only job is to satisfy N’s material needs and to be of practical use.

I do understand that narcissistic behavior is just a defense mechanism that N has developed, at one point in life, as something that felt necessary for N’s psychological survival. To me, it seems that my N, subconsciously, reacts to any act of kindness as on an insult. This, subsequently, results in his disapproval of my good intentions and underestimation of the importance of the event, while completely ignoring the wider emotional context of the situation.

My best guess is that this pattern of behavior stems from his childhood traumas, following the severe illness and premature death of his mother (he was only 10 years old). I believe that he, at some point, realized that people are overly kind to him only out of compassion. The coping mechanisms are possibly developed to support the sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

I think that’s giving them too much credit. Lots of people, including myself, have suffered trauma as a child. Certain defense mechanisms were developed as a result, but I didn’t develop narcissism. I know many others in recovery who have the same experiences. N’s take it to a totally new level. I know there’s a debate about whether it’s a mental illness or not. The one true narcissist I know, seems to have compassion for himself only. He watched his wife die in the hospital, but couldn’t seem to get a tear out, even though he often rubbed his eyes. The only time his eyes would show signs of being a little watery, was when others talked to him about how hard it would be. He didn’t get a little emotional because he thought it would be hard at all, but because they were talking about him. Unlike drug addicts, who learn to lie and manipulate to fuel their habit, N’s do it to fuel their egos and wallets.

What you said about them giving cheap trashy gifts is something I hadn’t thought much about, but that is dead on. This is especially noticeable when they could have instead given you something very valuable that is free of monetary cost but requires some emotional and physical intimacy.

At Christmas time they may actually give themselves gifts, usually more than they gave to others. They will celebrate just like a child, methodically opening their gifts seemingly in slow motion for themselves while playing for an audience, no matter how old they are. You can really feel their glowing enthusiasm as the celebrate themselves on a day that is meant to celebrate family. They may take forever to open the gift so as not to damage the paper, and even carefully fold up and save the wrapping paper to use for re-gifting.

I just spent a couple of hours writing a much longer post with a long list of behaviors that I’ve observed in my recently ended relationship. I had planned on posting it all but I am having second thoughts, so I cut out and posted a couple of paragraphs. I am not a psychiatrist; perhaps I am simply trying too hard to pin this person as a narcissist, or perhaps I don’t want all the dirty details to be public and recognized. Suffice it to say I spent over 13 years with someone like this, and nothing I ever did was good enough. Thank the stars I’m free at last, and thank you for posting your insights for everyone to share.

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