Summary: These are the letters a star struck Orlando wrote to Sean (which we know didn't get sent to him but these are them all the same).

Disclaimer: I don't own the boys or a sane thought in my head.

October 15, 2008

Dear Mr. Bean,

Should I actually call you Mr. Bean? When I think of Mr. Bean, I think of that silly little troll Rowen Atkinson and you are certainly no silly little troll.

So from now on, I shall address you as Sean.

I hope I'm not being too forward.

While reading an account of one of your first victims, I couldn't help but get a small thrill down my spine while devouring the details of that little incident. I didn't know one could hollow a human head out in that fashion.

The forensic expert went into practically step-by-step instructions on how you achieved that feat. That by no means could have been easy.

I think I've never cum so hard in my life. It left me positively breathless!

It made me giggle contemplating about how much fun you could be at Halloween and how you might improvise if there were no pumpkins available to you.

I have enclosed a small photo of myself. It's nothing much. My cousin Bast is into photography and he's been bugging me about letting him shoot me. Anyway, it's just so you know who you're talking to and that I'm not some 500 pound shut-in who's just bored and has nothing better to do than write to you.

Your greatest admirer in every sense of the word,

Orlando Bloom

November 5, 2008

Dear Sean,

You know, you look like a Sean. I've always loved that name. And you look so handsome in the mugshot they keep running on the telly.

I've heard people say they can actually see death in your eyes.

I just think they're a lovely shade of green.

Another forensic expert has written their thesis based on you.

I didn't like his account as much. What a sanctimonious arsehole he was!

I thought it quite clever the way you dispatched of that Viper full of B movie bimbos actresses. The thought you must have put into each of their murders! You must have watched every one of their direct-to-video horror movies to know how they each died in them and then to reproduce them in such detail!

My hats off to you.

But the topper was that you stapled a toe tag to each one of the bodies, with an actual body count number!

Brilliant!

I was in a cold sweat and my body shivered as I read the account and pictured you in my mind, carrying out your arduous task.

Yes, Sean, in case you haven't guessed, I am quite enamored with you. I'm not just a fan of your work, but of you, the man yourself.

I hope you don't find this displeasing.

And to make sure you know how I feel, I had Bast shoot another photo of myself. I can be seen here sprawled out on one of his faux fur rugs, the sheet hiding certain parts of my body. I kept letting the sheet slip to show off my attributes but my cousin kept rearranging the sheet. Bast says less is more sometimes.

Well I must go. I have a 'date' I must get ready for so it's off to the grocery store.

Yours in matters of the heart,

Orlando

P.S. What do you find severs human flesh better? A carving knife or a chef's knife?

January 3, 2009

My dearest Sean,

I am so irate right now I can't even write this letter properly!

How dare that simpleton criminologist who wrote another one of your accounts actually doubt your body of work!

To call it puerile and amateurish made me want to find the man myself and show him that he was the simpleton who couldn't appreciate fine art if it came up and bit him on his flabby arse!

I thought it bloody brilliant! I may be no Peta spokesperson, but they do have bear skin rugs.

Why not human ones?

Bloody brilliant if you ask me.

But I must confess, it did get me rather hot again reading about that account.

I was so turned on, thinking about the way you must have wielded that knife, I rushed right over to my cousin Bast's studio and had him take the next picture which you should find enclosed.

Do you like it? Are the ropes tight enough?

Thinking about you while he took that picture of me put me in a horrible state. I imagined you tightening the ropes yourself.

I fear my love for you will burst soon. Why haven't you written back? Do you not find me appealing?

Well, I'm off again. I have another 'date.'

Which is actually frustrating. I'm not really that hungry tonight.

Yours in every sense of the word,

Orlando

P.S. I would send you my heart if I could, but would you settle for someone else's?

February 16, 2009

Dear Mom,

I'm worried about Orlando.

As you know, he's been dating quite a lot of women lately. But that doesn't seem to be the problem.

One of the women, who I happened to accidentally meet, was, I'm sorry to say, one of the Casanova Cadavers.

Can you imagine?! Well, she certainly wouldn't have gotten into that sort of trouble had she stuck with Orli.

I hope he doesn't find out about this. It would probably crush him. You know how sensitive he can be. He's such a sweet kid.

But that's not what I'm really worried about.

I found him writing letters to that dreadful Sean Bean.

My little brother! Writing letters to that mad man in prison!

Of course, I've been intercepting the letters and throwing them away. Orli certainly doesn't need to encourage that psycho. When I confronted Orli about it, he became quite upset and stormed off.

But he did come to me later and apologize. He said it was just a phase and that he was bored. That it was probably a silly thing to do anyway and he didn't know what he was thinking.

I never actually read the letters but now I must say I am quite curious what he could possibly find to have in common with that man.

Well, I guess I'll never know.

There is some good news though. He's been spending more time with Bast. You know how he's been wanting to take photos of him. I think Orli should really consider a career in modeling. I swear that boy has it in him to be famous one day!

Also, he has another date tonight so that's a good thing too.

I just hope he finds someone who's right for him, that special someone.

I know it'll happen one day.

Your loving daughter,

Sam

Fin

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