Spin the governing bottle

You can’t beat a system you can’t understand

By Sam Bari

For the last couple of years, the country has been going through a political tailspin that has been plagued by economic disasters, health care problems, immigration issues, big business failures, massive fraud, etc., ad no seeums.

Americans have a history of classic love/hate relationships with their elected officials – “elected” being the operative term in that sentence. In other words, we don’t like the folks we hire. Political parties have nothing to do with the problem. We don’t have patience for government workers in general.

Since my column is not in the “editorial” section of the newspaper, and it is allegedly designed to loosely resemble “light family entertainment,” my commentary on politics, religion and sex is limited to, “Don’t write about those things.” So, this week’s column has to be carefully worded.

We are not going to address the economic, health care, immigration or white-collar crime problems directly. We are going to make everyone feel much better about the nasty issues that have beleaguered administrations as far back as I can remember by giving you the “political spin” that explains government policy on the hot topics.

Of course, we cannot disclose our source of the information we are about to reveal, but you will know that a genuine professional politician created it as soon as you read the explanations. That is undisputable evidence that we are dealing with a true political insider.

Okay. Let’s get started. The first topic will be the health care bill that just passed the House of Representatives. According to the headlines, the bill is “dead on arrival in the Senate,” which means it will most likely not become a reality.

Apparently, since its conception, this bill has gone through massive changes, inspired heated debates and incited constituents to march on Washington by the hundreds of thousands on several occasions.

Washington insider: “The health care bill has been so misunderstood. The intention was to develop a plan for a healthier America. If Americans want to be healthy, they have to watch their diets, their waistlines and exercise regularly.

“The health care bill was never intended to actually pass. It was intended to get people excited so they would march to Washington. We managed to inspire hundreds of thousands of people to take long walks. These are people who didn’t walk before. Most of them did not have an exercise regimen of any kind.

“The marches to Washington have inspired a trend. People get the benefit of exercise, and they have the opportunity to see their nation’s capitol at the same time. Then, they have to walk back, which doubles the benefit. Isn’t that great?

“The bill managed to get people’s hearts pumping and legs working. After it fails in the Senate, we’ll write another version that I am sure will convince more people to march to Washington to keep the intent of the health care plan alive.”

That certainly clears up the health care issue. And here we thought it was a bogus bill designed to further fleece Americans from their hard-earned wages. I am so glad we found this courageous political insider to explain the true nature of government policy.

Let’s address white-collar crime. It costs the average American more money than any other crime, yet fewer perpetrators are held responsible. One or two see a trial, but most are pardoned and few are punished.

Washington insider: “Isn’t that a blessing how our leaders handled the situation so gracefully with little to no additional cost to the average American? Do you have any idea of the price of trials to send all those multimillionaires that made fortunes in the mortgage scandals to jail? The expense would be exorbitant.

“If they went to jail, who would run our banks, big business and Wall Street? That kind of talent is not easy to come by. They all promised not to do it again, and if we allow them to self-regulate their businesses, I am convinced that things will run much more efficiently. They are good-hearted people with honorable intentions. They want all Americans to prosper and live the dream. That’s the source of their business, the hard-working public. Why would they wish them ill?”

There you have it. Spin the bottle Washington-style at its best. Now we can rest easy and continue to enjoy life as we know it in a system we can’t understand.