Me [25 F] with my boyfriend [28 M] of three years. He's buying a house and I asked him not to select someone as his only roommate because he creeps me out and acts inappropriately around me. He refused and refused my offer to pay for the room until he can find a different roommate.

Been dating K for three years. Very much love him. Things have been pretty rocky lately. He has a roommate who moved into the house they rent a few months ago, W, who I find creepy and hyper-sexual.

The first time I met him, I tried to be friendly and easy-going because it's important to K that I like and get along with his friends. W immediately turns the conversation sexual, and brings out a pornographic kama sutra book, showing me the checkmarks for every position he's worked through. I was very uncomfortable about it, and told K after. K shrugged and said he'd tell W to tone it down.

However, the next 2 or 3 times I visited K at the house and ran into W, he became very sexual in nature again, describing his genitals at length, making sexual jokes, etc. He was generally just very disrespectful about women in general every time. I stopped visiting the house as much and it's been a strain on our relationship because we already have limited time to spend together (he's in the military and our work schedules are opposite) and I'm really uncomfortable at his house, so we only go to mine, a significant distance away.

Then W cheated on his fiancee with a friend of mine. She ended things with W a few months later, but only after telling him some extremely personal things about things that happened to me from my childhood. I have ended my friendship with the girl because of this breach of trust, but now feel even more uncomfortable around W given he has this intimate knowledge of me and he's hyper-sexual and the incidents were sexual in nature. W also blames me for the friend ending things with him after I got upset at the friend for breaching my trust. I am in therapy currently for all of the above things and working through them.

K just signed the paperwork to buy a house nearby, and while we were out shopping last week I turned to him and said "Hey, I know you're planning on getting a roommate for this house to comfortably pay the mortgage. Can it please not be W? You know he makes me uncomfortable."

K was sort of cold, and immediately said something like "No. Come on, (my name), No." I pushed him on it later, explaining that I would like to be able to visit him in his home and feel comfortable and safe, but that it is hard for me to do so when I'm around this guy, given his behavior. I don't think our relationship will survive much longer if I can't spend time with K at his place. It's not an option to only have K come to my place, because I do live so far away and that's not very fair.

K was unwilling to budge. I offered to pay the 500 dollars he was going to charge W for the room for 2-3 months to give K time to find a different roommate. He was unwilling to accept this, either. He believes I am being ridiculous and should get over it. I feel like he's being dismissive to my feelings and is choosing the roommate over me.

tldr: Is it really worth it to end a three year relationship over his choice of roommate? He has every right to pick who he wants, but I've never asked him for anything big before, besides this and I ask because it would really improve the quality of our relationship.

EDIT: Moving in with K is NOT an option at this point. It would entirely alienate my very religious family that I am very close to, and I'm not willing to make that sacrifice given this issue.

EDIT: Thank you guys SO much for your feedback and kind words. Everyone said exactly the same thing and it really made me feel so much better and more resolute in the boundary I set. I let him know where I stood, why, and what his options now were. It's up to him to decide, but even if he apologizes and accepts my boundaries, I think our relationship has been irreparably damaged and he's shown his true colors. I will be moving on.

DFahnz 1612

You wouldn't be ending it because of the choice of roommate. You would be ending it because of your boyfriend's disregard for your comfort and his inability to put his foot down regarding this guy's behavior.

sydneyunderfoot 343

This this this. OP- This isn’t about him picking a roommate. This is about him not standing up for you and allowing this behavior to continue for months. This is about you making a reasonable request and him ignoring your feelings and telling you to get over it. What if 5 years in the future you have a kid together and you don’t want some creepy hyper-sexual dude around the kid- will he tell you to “get over it”? This is about him not caring about you feeling safe. What other ways does he not care about your feelings or show his selfish side?

InternationalSuspect 160

K states that if I just sat down and talked with W, that the behavior would stop and I'd feel comfortable. That might have been true before the issue with my friend, but now I honestly am being a bit of coward about wanting to even approach W.

DFahnz 851

Why is it YOUR JOB to deal with the guy who has been sexually harassing you? Jesus fucking tap-dancing christ on a cracker, your boyfriend's an idiot. Somehow I doubt this is the only thing he disregards you about.

sandman_42 496

Why is it YOUR JOB to deal with the guy who has been sexually harassing you? Jesus fucking tap-dancing christ on a cracker, your boyfriend's an idiot.

"Y'know honey, I'm sure that this immature misogynist who constantly makes jokes about your sex life that he knows you dislike will totally respond to you sitting down and talking to him about it. Nevermind that he's my toxic friend and I should be the one to handle him."

InternationalSuspect 295

This is so helpful. I feel a lot better and more justified in making this my hill to die on.

honeyandleather 309

This absolutely is the hill to die on.

InternationalSuspect 399 S

Yep. You're all very right. I've made it clear to him now that this is the boundary. If he chooses to accept my boundary, but resents me for it, it's over. If he doesn't choose to accept my boundary, then it's also over.

I pointed out to him that his roommate's behavior was sexual harassment, that it wasn't my responsibility to sit down with W and explain that to him, and that I had every right to be uncomfortable and voice my feelings. Ball's in his court but I feel more at peace now.

iwantsurprises 180

Good for you! It's honestly uplifting to read someone handling an issue with confidence and respect for themselves on here!

InternationalSuspect 222

Honestly, the therapist I've started working with the past few weeks has been phenomenal in helping me work on my confidence and self esteem and re-imagine myself as someone who is worthy of the life I want to have.

WookieRubbersmith 106

I don't know you, but reading this comment, and your other comments, and your edit, makes me feel this big swelling of love for you. Like, you are SO on the right track with your life that I can almost feel your positive up-swing from here. I don't feel right saying I'm proud of you, but man am I proud FOR you, if that makes sense.

It really, really sucks that you are dealing with an unsupportive partner, and that he has disappointed you so profoundly, and I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds incredibly frustrating. But it's fucking awesome that you are so well-prepared to stand up for yourself and be assertive and confident in being your own best advocate.

my2catsaregreat 49

Well done standing up for yourself and your needs! I'm sorry K is choosing to throw away your three-year relationship, but K is the one making that choice, not you. Your needs are valid and important. Boundaries are necessary and healthy. A guy who chooses not to understand or respect that, is not the guy for you.

Palindromer101 24

You should be proud of yourself. Good job, girl!

PrehistoricPrincess 41

Honestly, the moment that you told your boyfriend that his friend was sexually harassing you in ANY way, shape, or form; he should have kicked his friend to the curb and called off the friendship. The fact that he didn't shows just how much he respects and cares for your feelings--and what he thinks about women in general, and what they do/don't deserve. You deserve to be respected, you deserve for others to consider your comfort and take that into account when they choose how to behave around you. The fact that your boyfriend doesn't care that his friend has disrespected and mistreated you shows what his priorities are, and shows that he doesn't really respect you either. If he did, he would have dumped his jerk of a friend. The company we keep says a lot about who we *truly* are, and what our values are. You're better off without him.

Tygria 102

If it helps, I’d have dumped him for having this friend at all. It tells me he thinks the behavior is acceptable on some level. I think you’ve been abundantly patient and more understanding than I would be.

InternationalSuspect 41

I definitely have, because there are other friends with even worse behavior (mentioned in some of my other comments here).

valiantdistraction 96

Yikes. Honestly given that these are his friends, I would NOT think about making a life with this guy. That he thinks all these dodgy behaviors are ok says a lot about his character.

InternationalSuspect 40

So the question is... do I still give his mother the expensive and thoughtful gift I got for her for Christmas? Or just return it...

MadameHardy 133

Return it. You want to break off contact with this guy, and sending a present to his mother sends a very mixed message.

Cheese_Rage 73

Return it. Use the money to do something nice for yourself after you dump this loser.

valiantdistraction 32

Depends on how much you like his mom. She's not the guilty party here and if you like her and can afford it, I'd go ahead and give it to her, even if it is a parting gift.

fatmama923 27

I'd return it unless you really love his mom. And if I did give it to her, I would tell her exactly why I'm breaking up with him. Bc his behavior and acceptance of his friends behavior is horrifying.

Floweringpooops 7

Return it or hold on to it and regift it for someone else later

grendelone 16

That your BF hangs out with these creeps should let you know how your BF acts when you're not around and when he's not on his best behavior.

theshortlady 10

You don't have to be "justified", you can make this your deal breaker just because it is.

DFahnz 18

It's too early for this shit. Cake?

InternationalSuspect 64

This is a good point. I guess I didn't view it as sexual harassment. Maybe more of just a guy trying to awkwardly make friends with his buddy's girlfriend?

But then the rest of the conversations were always sexual, too.

sangetencre 153

He knows what he's doing, OP. Don't buy into the idea that he's just stupid or socially incompetent.

ladyughsalot 77

Yeah the reality is:

He either knows exactly what he’s doing

Or

He actually holds similar opinions and values as this friend but has been smart enough to keep them under wraps. Which is why he feels justified to see this as no big deal.

DFahnz 137

It's totally sexual harassment!

Dictionary definition: harassment (typically of a woman) in a workplace, or other professional or social situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks.

I'd say walking you down Kama Sutra memory lane and talking about his junk counts.

InternationalSuspect 68

This is very helpful. I has having the hardest time explaining to him how and why it was inappropriate and made me uncomfortable and was a LEGITIMATE reason to not want him to invite W to live with him. He just thinks I'm being punitive because of the friend/W situation.

Battle_Cake 86

His reasoning doesn't make sense, your issues with W started way before the affair even started. From your timeline of events it sounds like you stopped going over to K's place because of W well before the affair. If he really argues you're just being punitive it should be obvious that he's grasping at straws.

He's shown that not only is he willing to pick his (gross, misogynist, and cheating) roommate over his partner, but he's willing to go to the mat and argue on his behalf against you. Please respect yourself and drop this relationship.

His reasoning doesn't make sense, your issues with W started way before the affair even started. From your timeline of events it sounds like you stopped going over to K's place because of W well before the affair. If be really argues you're just being punitive it should be obvious that he's grasping at straws.

InternationalSuspect 60

Yeah. He's picking and choosing memories, and basically telling me how I should feel and how I ACTUALLY felt about the various instances I referenced above.

He also grasps at straws by saying I never actually came up to the rental house to visit that much anyway before W moved in. But... hello, he was deployed for like half of the time he's lived there??

Definitely a big "roger that" on your last sentence.

Purl_Jam 17

He's military? Then he's had sexual harassment explained to him and he knows the steps to fixing isn't "make the target educate the harasser." My husband is army and takes this dead seriously, heck I have a pen on my desk that has a scroll that pulls out that says when you see shit like that, you man up and say something.

InternationalSuspect 31

Yes, he's military and this is a realllly good point. He's had SO many trainings on this! How could he be so dumb and refuse to see this for what it is?

Cheese_Rage 37

Why is your boyfriend ok with a "friend" talking to you about his weird sexual behavior and his privates?

This is less about the roommate and more about your BF's total failure to choose you over a stranger.

silvyrphoenix 5

just bypassing the seriousness of this post for one second, "jesus fucking tap dancing christ on a cracker" is something i'm adding to my general vocabulary cos it made me chuckle

R4ighan 4

“Jesus fucking tap-dancing christ on a cracker” I’m deceased 😂😂😂

DFahnz 2

Use it well and wisely.

JManRomania -2

Why is it YOUR JOB to deal with the guy who has been sexually harassing you?

Whose job is it, exactly? Is it anyone's job?

EDIT: No one has a fucking answer?

This is a legitimate question.

closetotheborderline 36

There's nothing cowardly about not wanting to talk to a nasty, unpleasant person.

Mogtaka 27

Aside from your boyfriend blatantly disrespecting you by not taking seriously how you're feeling, it's quite odd to me that he's okay with W's behavior.

InternationalSuspect 7

He defends it, saying W was on a break with his girl. Which might be true. I have no way of knowing. But he still then lied to her and said they’d only kissed.

Mogtaka 31

I moreso meant W's behavior toward you. What kind of person is okay with their friend and/or roommate being sexually inappropriate to their girlfriend, especially to the point of making them uncomfortable? Makes you wonder what else he shrugs off. I'm sure you can do much better than that.

I moreso meant W's behavior toward you. What kind of person is okay with their friend and/or roommate being sexually inappropriate to his girlfriend, especially to the point of making her uncomfortable? Makes you wonder what else he shrugs off. I'm sure you can do much better than that.

werdbruthuh 17

What rank is your boyfriend? Because this sounds like a practice that upper leadership pushes to lower enlisted, while ignoring a very important caveat: if you don't feel comfortable confronting somebody with your issues, tell somebody in your chain you trust, and give them the opportunity to handle it at the lowest level before it gets out of control.

Basically, yes, in the military, we are told to try to handle things ourselves first with a frank and calm conversation, but we are still given the freedom to bring somebody else in to handle it if we feel uncomfortable to do so. In this situation, your problem is between you and your bf's friend, so ideally you WOULD sit down and discuss it with him one-on-one. BUT, if you're telling your bf that you don't feel comfortable with that, he should be more than happy to have that conversation in your stead and put a stop to it. Because if it gets out of control... well, that's when you call the police for a restraining order, which is way too late to fix this issue at the lowest level.

Basically... he's a shitty servicemember and leader if this is how he treats his troops, and a shitty boyfriend if this is how he treats you. Shame on him.

InternationalSuspect 13

He’s E-5 I think. Been an NCO for a few years now, so just started leading troops. I asked him to have this conversation on my behalf but he wasn’t willing. Said it was my issue.

kire7 9

In most well-functioning relationships, the partners are a team, and any problems affecting one affect both and should be addressed as such. For someone who's in your country's armed forces, his team spirit is surprisingly lacking.

I'm glad to read elsewhere that you've decided to put your foot down. Good for you :)

werdbruthuh 3

Yeah. He's a shitty NCO. Not okay. If he's been an E-5 for a few years, it seems other people know it, too. Hopefully it stays that way and he doesn't rank up and do more fucking damage.

EarlGreyhair 12

You shouldn’t have to ask someone to stop sexually harassing you. If your BF was a good BF, he would’ve made it very clear that their friendship would be over if he continued in this manner. Hell, normal people would not want to keep a friend who sexually harassed their partner.

grendelone 5

Way too late for that.

W is a massive creep and a stern talking to isn't going to change that.

nope. you're not being a coward. your (ex?)boyfriend is being the coward.

justhere4thiss 1

Wow that should not be your job. That’s his job. He sounds like a coward.

RoamingAmber 878

If you offering to pay $500 a month to be comfortable and to save your relationship with K doesn’t drive the point home to him that you’re serious and your concerns have merit, sorry, nothing else ever will. Even if W drops off the face of the earth tomorrow, you now know that your boyfriend doesn’t respect you or take you seriously.

Proceed with that information. I personally would be considering being single again.

InternationalSuspect 190

Thank you. I'm definitely considering it very seriously.

kcckcc101 40

It's time to dump him, not just consider it.

WakeoftheStorm -11

To be clear, I support your decision, but I feel like you might could use a devil's advocate here.

You're not offering him $500/month to cover expenses until he finds a new room mate, you're offering him $500/month to ditch his friend who he's likely already made promises to. Should be choose you? Probably, but asking someone to give up a long time friend is not a small thing and might warrant some deeper conversation. And yes I know asking him to pick a different room mate seems different than saying give up your friend, but if he backs out of the plan because of your request his friend will know their friendship is heavily influenced by your input.

Again, I think you're justified, but before you end a relationship, you should be fully aware of the potential magnitude of what you're asking of him, and realize his gut reaction is going to be to avoid having to make that choice if possible. And you also don't want to risk having him resent you for costing him a friend.

It's a delicate situation.

antizana 64

Why would you want to be friends with such a gross dude who makes extremely inappropriate moves on your gf? The fact that BF thinks that’s normal and cool should be the dealbreaker.

WakeoftheStorm -1

Because they're not just friends. They're in the same unit in the military and have deployed and probably been in combat together. These guys were literally assigned as friends to each other, it's not a job he can just walk away from, and he has no choice but to literally trust these guys with his life. A lot of things seem trivial after you've been in combat with someone

antizana 1

So because you serve with someone you have to accept any and all behavior? Sexually harassing your buddy’s gf is ok, and so is everything else? I see elsewhere he is an NCO handling troops. If he can’t manage to tell his friend to back the F off or otherwise deal with shitty behavior among equals he shouldn’t be allowed subordinates. If he hasn’t figured out how to deal with problematic behavior from his fellow soldiers without putting the “I risk my life for you” bond at risk he shouldn’t be in a leadership position. The fact is he won’t even confront his friend about his shitty behavior, forget about taking a stance on them living together. Both of em sound pretty trash really. And if he is so concerned about his career he shouldn’t be living with someone in a position of authority over him.

WakeoftheStorm 0

I don't disagree with any of that, I'm just saying it adds a level of complication to the situation that should not be ignored or dismissed. At the end of the day you're not responsible for putting up with anything that makes you uncomfortable, but if you make a demand on someone you should be fully cognizant of what you're asking.

CleverLatinMotto 30

you might could use a devil's advocate here

The devil doesn't need any more advocates.

WakeoftheStorm -1

No if anything this world needs less of it's echo chambers, where everyone just shouts the same idea and pats each other on the back for how right they are. That's unhealthy.

caerdydd 1

What W is doing is sexual harassment. Do you really, honestly, believe that the world needs people who advocate for sexual predators?

[deleted] 1

[removed]

caerdydd 1

"harassment (typically of a woman) in a workplace, or other professional or social situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks"

You missed the part where the creep was making obscene remarks to her.

InternationalSuspect 9

It is- thank you for your response. He did say, now that I recall, that he had promised W when he moved in that he could stay in the rented house for a year and not have to move. But if Karl moves out, the lease was in his name, so W would have to move. I think he also maybe might have told W that if he bought a house, W could move in with him. But i have no idea on that, honestly.

And yeah, I think the friend bond in the military is higher by nature. So it does seem like I’m telling him to stop being friends with him. He also said that he resisted because he felt like I was “demanding” this of him. I suppose he must have found it controlling.

yoyoskiez 10

If I was poking holes in this argument, I would say that K should be able to communicate this so that OP would understand the situation that he is in. Based on the information provided it sounds like OP is not being respected or heard..

K knows that W makes OP uncomfortable (so much so that it is affecting their relationship) and it sounds like OP isn’t very assertive. The fact that OP asked K to do this, coupled with his response, indicates to me that K doesn’t really prioritize her feelings as much as he should.

I do think that you do bring in a good point about what K might be facing.

WakeoftheStorm 0

You also cannot dismiss the fact that these are guys who deploy and face love and death situations together. It's not like he can just find a new group of guys to be in a unit with. This is his assignment, and they have to trust one another or die.

InvisiblePresence 5

“Brothers In Arms are to the death. Women are totally replaceable.” This not my view - but how your man probably feels at his core. It’s a rock star mentality. All else pales in comparison to the bond between men who share the commonality of making the ultimate sacrifice together.

Again, it’s an indoctrinated view. For me, military minds hold harsh, one-sided views, us against them. But this is not a healthy way to run a home or a future family. Let me set out an other view, an alternative way to feel.

He should be asking himself: “Is this the mother of my children?” Should he survive the military and should he ever reclaim his mind from Uncle Sam, SHE is going to be the one he makes the ultimate sacrifice with AND for... a long life is much bigger than the militarry or his brothers in arms but he will fail to see it that way. Guys often fail to recognize the magnitude of the woman’s contribution to a life well-lived by the time old age comes around. They fail to see the faces of their own children in her eyes before they are born, nor do they see life’s biggest picture when making the most important decision of their lives: who to spend it with, who to partner with forever.

If you admire military men, find the kind of man who sees the bigger picture, one who lives for family and places his heart in the home. The only reason to fight and die along side your brothers in arms is to protect your home and family. This guy your seeing doesn’t have heart to feel deeply about why you are there and what you represent to his lifetime. He is incapable of comprehending this other view of life. He only sees how his ego is going to look to his buddies and how much he can get himself laid.

andthejitters 4

psst . . . you spelled out K's full name in this comment.

scarlegara 3

No, she does not need a devil's advocate, but how generous of you to decide for her. Devil's advocate is just a deceitful way for cowards to push their own shitty opinions in a way that they think gives them plausible deniability that they really are their opinions if someone pulls them on it. It's not her job to think of the "magnitude" of asking her partner to not live with a creepy, sexually harassing misogynist. It's on the partner to think of the magnitude of what he's asking of her by wanting to live with this guy. Nice try though.

WakeoftheStorm 1

It's on both of them to think about the other, but I'm not talking to him. It's important to set clear boundaries in a relationship, but if you're doing that without an understanding of what those boundaries mean to your partner, then you are going to go through life with a series of broken relationships, always feeling like the victim. Dictating ultimatums without discussion or consideration is toxic controlling behaviour regardless of how justified the underlying concern is. Relationships are about coming to decisions as a couple.

Does this guy have a fucked up friend? Sure, obviously. But that's not the issue. The issue is that this couple does not appear to share and understand each other's values and priorities. That warrants a conversation with an open mind before anything else. If she goes in with an adversarial mindset and starts laying down the law to this guy instead of seeking a common understanding, he will probably get defensive and shut down.

Why is it on her to reach out and be understanding? She's the one recognizing a problem and seeking change. She has the burden of changing his mind, which can only be done from a place of openness and love.

Holy fuck it's like people in this sub just hate relationships and communication. Not every situation has to end in a breakup if people would just stop taking sides and start talking to each other.

brujablanca 2

There’s always that one guy, isn’t there?

sandman_42 762

You asked him to choose, and he chose.

You'll note he didn't choose the person who loves and respects him. He chose the person who does scummy shit like cheat on his fiance, who blames you for his affair falling apart because it was with your friend, and who has repeatedly made you uncomfortable with his overly-sexualized conversations and comments.

This should have been a no-brainer for your BF. It says a lot that he not only chose his shitty friend, but he shut you down and didn't even care about why you are not comfortable.

Beyond that, it's been 3 years. It's equally telling that he doesn't want you to move in with him....

InternationalSuspect 76

We've discussed it before. It's more because my family is extremely religious and I guess I didn't feel like he was committed to me enough to endanger my close relationship with my parents and cause family issues by moving in with him.

I sort of wanted to be engaged before I moved in with someone.

sangetencre 98

I didn't feel like he was committed enough to me

Why? And has that really changed?

InternationalSuspect 21

He was deployed when I brought it up, so the timing probably was bad on my end. He wasn't really mentally in a place to discuss it. Then when he got back was right about when this guy moved in.

hideable 124

But let's not go sideways... He chose the roomate.

I_like_it_yo 55

That part of their comment is really the least important. Regardless of why you haven’t moved in together, the first part of the comment, about what choice your bf decided to make, is really all you need to know about who he is and what he cares about most. (Hint: it’s not you)

InternationalSuspect

Yup Yup Yup. Definitely agree. Thank you!

digitalbits 18

Hey OP. I’m glad to read your updates. I just wanted to comment that this was an obvious hill to die on.

My concern however is that from your post there were many such hills that you chose to give before this. Your ex-BF had so many red flags, all bright red, yelling Danger: Radioactive shit pile.

The moment you told him that a friend of his made you uncomfortable, and continued to do so, should have been the breakup. He should have dropped his friend like a 5 lb sack.

NerdySciFiChick 17

So do you think he'd be ok with his room mate talking to anyone in his extremely religious family about sexual things the way he talks to you?

Grommph 3

The extremely religious family is hers, not his.

valiantdistraction 7

Well, he's not committed to you enough. That much is obvious.

LolaWantsGets 29

Your SO needs to be on your team, be looking out for you because it is good for the team.

Roflllobster 204

Your boyfriend won't prioritize your feelings even when it will cost him absolutely nothing. And we are talking about someone who forces his own sexuality on surrounding people. I would say that is 100% justified for a break up. If he isn't willing to find a way to make you feel comfortable and safe after 3 years I wouldn't expect that to change.

InternationalSuspect 51

His argument is that it isn't a "simple request." That it will take him a long time to find a suitable roommate and he doesn't want to just put an ad out on Craigslist to find one.

W is in a position of authority over K at work. K contends that by cutting W off, then it will negatively impact his work

DFahnz 108

So he's throwing you under the bus for the sake of his work.

InternationalSuspect 105

Damn. I deserve better than this. I've pointed out what everyone here has said to him, and I guess now I'll let him make the decision. But even if he chooses me, I think he's done irreparable damage to our relationship already.

I told him it was essentially me or the roommate last night and he just said "You're putting me in an impossible situation."

I have the feeling that if (kind of a when now) I break up with him, in a few months he'll be like "Shit I made a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE mistake" and feel terrible.

jolie178923-15423435 96

He will, most likely, but that doesnt change the fact that he's a spineless tool. Dont take him back.

InternationalSuspect 70

Yep. The spineless thing was what I realized too. Too afraid of endangering his friendship and standing up for me. Really saw a lot of true colors, sadly.

Cheese_Rage 18

He views his friendship and his job more important than you.

That should be everything you need to know.

Grommph

Say what you want about the roommate situation, but this guy is buying a house... that isn't the time to lose your job over something that can be resolved another way. She said herself that K will rotate out in March.

Either way, they are both putting other people first rather than each other. He's putting friends first. She's putting her ultra religious family first.

Both are allowing other people's lifestyle choices to heavily impact their lives together negatively rather than put each other first.

Pheasantheroworship 7

Better to learn that now then later. ;)

TheFlyingSheeps 75

Tough shit. Don’t take him back

grittex 7

Sure, and that's his problem, cos you will feel fucking fantastic.

olivepopeth 69

they shouldn't be living together in that case anyway.

InternationalSuspect 32

When he first moved in, he wasn't in that position of authority. They were both in the same "auditing" type role. However that role is a two year rotation, and K rolled out of it back to the line. W is rolling off of it back to the line in February or March.

eskeTrixa 60

Living together with a superior who has authority over you is considered fraternization and could get them both disciplined.

InternationalSuspect 28

Interesting. Even if they're the same rank?

In general, K seems to not care about the rules. He follows most of them, but I actually applied for a commission and was selected. I ended up declining for separate reasons, but when I mentioned to K that as an enlisted, we needed to either break up or get married if I went through with it, he wanted to just fly under the radar and still date. I was unhappy but dropped it since I had to decline anyway.

Another friend of his lives in a base house, and when his wife left him, he started renting it out to some of his buddies and making money under the table. Also against the rules, and K just shrugged when I pointed that out.

In general, K seems to not care about the rules. He follows most of them, but I actually applied for a commission and was selected. I ended up declining for separate reasons, but when I mentioned to Karl that as an enlisted, we needed to either break up or get married if I went through with it, he wanted to just fly under the radar and still date. I was unhappy but dropped it since I had to decline anyway.

eskeTrixa 44

If one of them has direct authority over the other, yes. It interferes with good order and discipline for reasons exactly like "If I don't rent to him, he can make my life difficult".

InternationalSuspect

Well then I'm not super surprised that K and W ignored that...

I'm not in the business of ruining lives and reporting them or anything, but if/when K brings up that aspect of his desire to not stand up to W, I'll mention that they never should have lived together anyway.

jessie_monster 11

So whatever is most convenient for him is what goes. What amazing leadership skills.

RainAhh 7

If that’s the case, W shouldn’t be living with K anyways. That’s a big no-no in the military. K should know that.

PorkBellyFutures 0

W is in a position of authority over K at work. K contends that by cutting W off, then it will negatively impact his work

wtf, why isn't this higher in the thread? It will absolutely effect him at work. You need to expand on this.

So he's throwing you under the bus for the sake of his work.

This makes sense in a fantasy world where nobody has to worry about money.

InternationalSuspect 11

To your second point - if it was about money, why wouldn't he accept my offer to pay the rent on the room (no strings attached) for a few months until he could find another renter we both felt comfortable with?

Also W is only in a position of mild authority (they're still the same rank) until February.

PorkBellyFutures 4

That doesn't address my second point. Someone fucking with your job isn't in the same ballpark as a couple rent payments.

What is "mild authority?" You need to find out for sure why your bf is so hellbent on keeping this guy around. It's not clear if your opinion is being held with little regard, or if it's actually being held in high regard versus an even higher threat. It could be either, but there's not enough information to say.

InternationalSuspect 5

Well, W can't get him kicked out of the military because K has done nothing wrong, so he's not in danger of losing his job in the slightest (and its pretty lengthy and hard to get someone removed from the military...) unless he decides to murder someone or do an illegal drug. And again, they're the same rank, so W isn't ACTUALLY in a position of REAL authority, per military structure.

Mild authority in that he has an auditing type role, and can be super picky about some work if he so chooses and just generally be an annoyance until February. However, there are avenues to pursue if it is overly punitive, and K, I don't think, has ever actually been audited by W, nor is he expected to be audited by W from now until the time W is removed from the auditing role in Feb. K is also considered generally one of the top performers, and would have little to critique.

[deleted] 1

[removed]

bloodstainonmysleeve 107

The roommate is a symptom. Your bigger problem is K’s lack of respect for your feelings and comfort.

Shanashy 88

Is it really worth it to end a three year relationship over his choice of roommate?

If he's not taking you seriously and still going forward with the plan to have W as his roommate, even knowing how uncomfortable he makes you, then yes. It doesn't sound like he gives a shit about you being comfortable in his home, or at all.

What if W takes it too far one day, and tries to get physical with you? Will K have your back and take the appropriate action, or will he simply tell you "Come on, (your name)."?

InternationalSuspect 23

He contends that W will never take it that far. K says that "He's done nothing to you! He hasn't hit on you, or made advances! If he had, I'd understand!"

mollybrains 65

HOW IS TALKING ABOUT THE KAMA SUTRA AND HIS JUNK NOT MAKING ADVANCES? I would be FURIOUS if a girlfriend whipped this stuff out and started talking to my SO about her vagina.

InternationalSuspect

Oops, moderators removed my post because I used a gendered/hostile phrase. Edited and reposted below with "stand up" used instead of offending phrase.

I was trying to be the "Cool girl" when he did that, and was sort of just sitting there trying to be easy going about it. When I told K later that it was weird and uncomfortable, K said that he just saw W as insecure, and that he talked about his sexual prowess just to compensate, and that it wasn't a big deal.

But as others have rightly pointed out, K was justifying bad behavior in any way he could so he didn't have to stand up and say something.

I would be PISSED too if a female said those things to K.

Shanashy 54

He can contend anything he wants, but he can't say with certainty that W won't escalate. Guys like that tend to step it up from just sexual talk to being physical: he might graze your ass "by accident" as he's walking by you, or brush your breast with his arm "by mistake."

The fact that he can so easily disregard your comfort reveals the kid of person he is.

TorqueItGirl 23

Cool....does he really want to wait around until that happens? Will your discomfort be "appropriate" then?

What a shit attitude.

betterintheshade 12

So this means that your boyfriend sees you as a posession and as long as his pervy friend doesn't try to take you then it's fine. Your comfort is irrelevant however.

sangetencre 48

Yes, it's worth ending it. Because this isn't just about a roommate. It's about respect. Have you told your boyfriend what has been said to you by this guy?

Any good partner should have a problem with that and, at the very least, tell the dude to knock it off. Not having him as a future roommate should be a given.

sangetencre 51

Consider, also: you are who you hang out with....

InternationalSuspect 62

I TOLD HIM THIS EXACTLY! Ugh, I have told him this SO many times. He complains that I never like any of his friends, but they're all ethically dubious people. Half of them cheat on their partners repeatedly, and the other are disrespectful to women and obsessed with sex. His friends are NOT stellar people, but he insists that I judge them too much and they're still good people. But I just don't want to hang out with them!

K is none of those things, so I'm so baffled about why he spends time with them other than the fact that they're all enlisted military, deploy together and work together so it might be damaging to his career/social life if he cut them off. He was raised by two stellar, really good people and he's always respectful and kind, regardless of environment.

ladyughsalot 103

I think you may have to admit that K is a bit like them. You say they’re sexualized conversations but you also clarify that the comments they make aren’t respectful of women. Consider that he’s been exposed to these comments and doesn’t speak up. He minimizes it to you, it’s not a big deal. So you have to realize that means that this is okay to him. And just because you don’t see or hear him make similar comments...I mean does he just sit in silence when his friends make these comments? Talk about cheating on their partners? He probably doesn’t. When you’re not there it’s likely he does engage. Even if he doesn’t, he effectively agrees with their values by staying silent.
It’s unlikely he sits there quietly though. These are the people he hangs out with. This is the person he prioritizes over you.

You’re not even asking him to cut ties you just don’t want him to live there. He’s not so nice. I’m sorry.

InternationalSuspect 35

So I've had this discussion with K before. What does he do or say when he sees his married "friend" cheat on his wife? He claims he leaves the situation when someone starts cheating or intends to cheat. But he still goes out socially with the group of friends as a whole. He says he's voiced his disapproval of the situation, but not overly strongly. He also claims W wasn't REALLY cheating, because they were on a break (hello, Friends), but I pointed out that W still lied to a woman he dated for seven years and wanted to marry, and said he'd only kissed someone else, instead of repeatedly slept with someone else. K contends that he lied to be nice and protect the feelings of his now ex-fiancee (W ended things with her for my friend.... so he was pissed when friend dumped him).

He's much more of a follower than I am, in that I would much rather not have friends then to have friends that behave like that and have those values. He says "Would you rather me be alone and not have any friends just to make a point? If I push back too much then I have ramifications at work, and in unity in my squadron, etc etc." He says I'm too judgmental... but I mean, he hung out with a dude who spent 5k at a brothel in Japan, while he had a girlfriend back home, and then called his credit card company the next morning and said his card was stolen. K insists hanging out with this group isn't reflective of any approval on his part of their actions, but that he just does it so he's not alone all the time on a deployment.

crayongirlx 45

So it seems like the roommate situation is reflective of a deeper difference between you guys -- just as you said, K prefers to maintain social harmony even when it means ignoring sketchy behavior, whereas you wouldn't.

​

I think the key problem, though, is that -- as with most humans who encounter some cognitive dissonance -- K tries to justify his behavior to himself by saying that his friends aren't "that bad." They weren't "REALLY cheating" and it wasn't "REALLY lying" and that wasn't "REALLY sexual harassment." It's easy for him to continue doing this too because these morally shitty actions were all directed at women, and people are just naturally worse at empathizing with people different from themselves.

​

The justifications could have gone on forever without any consequences -- until it started affecting you. The most unforgiveable part was where he said that he felt it was YOUR responsibility to sit down with W. Because if he didn't say that, he would have to admit to himself that he should have stood up to W; and if he had to admit that, he would also have to admit to himself how he's been ignoring all this stuff about his other friends.

​

I do think there's a way to stick up for yourself but also not be completely isolated. It's hard to find the balance sometimes; but the important thing is, he needs to understand what he's been denying to himself. If you guys are able to talk it through and he does come to understand, I'd be super impressed. But it takes a lot for someone to admit where they've gone wrong, and some of us never get there.

This is very, very thoughtful and helpful, and exactly what I think. He has a hard time not justifying things, and he IS very big on social harmony. And none of the actions ever affected him directly... until now.

I get the feeling that he's really resentful and angry right now because I've sort of made him see that he has to have a spine and that "being friends with everyone" isn't worth ignoring bad behavior all the time. That really, his friends aren't secretly good people and I don't HAVE to like them.

So I'm thinking he's going to continue to choose the roommate. So the break up and next few months are gonna hurt like something really painful, but I feel like I at least have good justification and moral ground or whatever to patch my wounds with until I get through it.

Redpetrol -1

The advice on here is terrible.

You're also saying he should have a spine, but admit you're too afraid to speak to the guy by yourself and take charge of the situation.

You're absolutely jumping the gun and being unreasonable. You don't have to go visit your boyfriend at his house. Simply take that route of action and tell him you will not visit when his friend is home. Until things either resolve or end.

You are making all the demands and also the one who is claiming the behaviour is affecting you, but all you've done to resolve it is ask your boyfriend to do it for you.

When you're single and a guy starts talking about his genitals who are you going to run to for help in that scenario?

You're boyfriend may or may not be making mistakes too but it just sounds like you need to take charge of your own interactions with people.

To be honest you don't sound that cut up about breaking up anyway.

JManRomania 2

he needs to understand what he's been denying to himself

he's statistically more likely to commit suicide, first

seriously, every factor OP has listed makes this objectively true (servicemembers in general have a higher suicide rate)

InternationalSuspect

This is very, very thoughtful and helpful, and exactly what I think. He has a hard time not justifying things, and he IS very big on social harmony. And none of the actions ever affected him directly... until now.

I get the feeling that he's really resentful and angry right now because I've sort of made him see that he has to have a spine and that "being friends with everyone" isn't worth ignoring bad behavior all the time. That really, his friends aren't secretly good people and I don't HAVE to like them.

So I'm thinking he's going to continue to choose the roommate. So the break up and next few months are gonna hurt like a bitch, but I feel like I at least have good justification and moral ground or whatever to patch my wounds with until I get through it.

mollybrains 15

omg credit card fraud much illegal no more army for that guy

InternationalSuspect 22

It's the air force, and to my knowledge, he didn't have any repercussions because no one told on him. I was extremely disgusted when K told me the story.

Another enlisted guy actually punched a cop right before he deployed (almost didn't deploy because of it) in a bar fight, and then later attacked K when the dude was WASTED because K caught him breaking an expensive item that belonged to K. Dude just had a stripe taken. Still in the Air Force almost a year later(????) although he got sent home early from the deployment.

SMH. So many bad apples for some reason.

StarvingMuse 14

Reading your comments, I am thinking there is a reason K has a circle of bad apple friends. Like tends to attract like.

And do you really want to be with a man who is fine with his friends cheating? Fine with people breaking the rules and looking the other way? A man who makes it his girlfriend's problem when his friend is sexually harassing her, a man who takes the side of the sexual harasser?

I also saw you put down your boundary and are sticking by it. I am proud of you, it's scary but I think you've got this!

Amhaterasu

In short, K is a total pussy and afraid of confrontation - which means that he will lie to you as well to avoid conflict. Probably already has when he said he'll tell his friend to tone it down - he obviously hasn't done that or at least hasn't been clear enough. You have backbone, he doesn't, you two are incompatible - and even if you get along well, I would never want someone like that as a father of my future children.

jolie178923-15423435 31

Hon, he has to be at least a little bit like them.

edit: or, the way they are doesn't bother him enough to not be friends with them. either way, he condones their behavior.

SuperSalsa 18

This. Good, upstanding people don't hang around with disrespectful sleezebags. He's just better at not making his true nature obvious to you.

And I bet there are warning signs you didn't think anything of, but would be obvious if you thought about them for a while.

dazeeem 2

Birds of a feather flock together

grendelone 19

K is none of those things ...

... when you're around ...

valiantdistraction 18

Half of them cheat on their partners repeatedly, and the other are disrespectful to women and obsessed with sex.

Well, don't be surprised that K doesn't believe your reason for disliking W, doesn't think it's serious even if he does believe it, and isn't going to do anything about it either way. This IS who he is. Prepare for him to become MORE like them in the future as older influences like his parents fade.

Also like half of them cheat? girl no. If my husband had even one good friend who cheated and he knew about it and was pretty fine with it, I'd be very alarmed. If half his friends did it... we'd never have gotten married in the first place, because that's too much normalization of cheating.

RumeScape 4

Guess what -- cheating is really common and so is being ethically dubious. (Also, not sure what branch of military here but in general the military doesn't attract the best people.)

kiwolf88 0

Omg just saw this and I need you to read my comment OP

InternationalSuspect

He was there for the first conversation and one of the others maybe, but he was doing other things and not really paying attention. They're all enlisted military, and I guess to him it's just joking around, normal stuff to talk about sex that explicitly.

arcxiii 38

Well your bf doesn't respect your feelings. Is he generally dismissive? I think you need to take a step back and be clear that this is potentially a deal breaker and you won't visit his home if W lives there. It sucks but you need to make a boundary and maintain it otherwise your bf will keep just pushing your discomfort off. It sounds like he isn't as invested as you are in this.

InternationalSuspect 17

Generally, no. He usually listens pretty well and has been there for me. I agree. I really was trying to be very adamant about not going to the house to make that boundary for myself. I don't want to give in, because that's just going back on the boundary I set.

arcxiii 14

Yeah just stay strong with that. Even if he tries to have a conversation with W, you'd know he is only behaving because of K and that he is still thinking all the inappropriate things he used to say.

For now keep being forward with your feelings, when making plans remind him that you won't be coming over etc. if he tries to work around it. Even if you are in the area and he needs to run in to get something, have him drop you off somewhere else first. Even now just make it clear that you don't want him in your life period.

Are they best friends or old friends or something aside from just roommates?

InternationalSuspect 13

K claims they're friends. But before W moved in, I'd never really heard K say much about him. W just generally plays video games 24/7, so it's not like K and W hang out much.

arcxiii 17

Then why is living with him more important than having you be a bigger part of his life? Even if they work together, that's all the more reason not to live with him. Mixing your professional life with your home life is a bad idea and this situation is a prime example of that.

I would start to question K's character as other said if these are the types of people he prioritizes in his life.

InternationalSuspect 19

The message I've gotten from K is that it's because W is an easy 500 bucks that just sits in his room all day generally and doesn't damage property or do anything but drive up internet costs.

When I pointed out that he was prioritizing 500 bucks a month over me and our relationship, he was like "You've got a problem with him, fine, but why the problem with his perfectly good money?"

arcxiii 43

It's not that hard to find decent roommates. So he is lazy and doesn't think your comfort is worth his time or effort. If it was really about he money he would have taken your offer to pay.

It's funny how his excuses keep shifting the more you refuse to budge and it all translates to: I don't care about how this is making you feel.

InternationalSuspect

Good point, good point. He didn't think the reasons I felt uncomfortable were really what I was saying. He thought it was all just because of the friend situation and now I associate him with bad memories with the friend.

OysterDoll 27

Whenever I give advice on this sub I do my best to avoid the "just break up with them!" cliche, but jesus christ girl break up with this guy. After reading this post and most of your comments its clear to me he's toxic and I think you know that too, you may just not want to admit it. He doesn't respect you and he doesn't care enough about you to try and empathize with what you've been dealing with. I'm so sorry for everything all of these people have put you through. You deserve better<3

NoxEstVeritas 18

Your boyfriend doesn’t care about your feelings, and is effectively choosing the creep over you. This is completely unfair. I don’t think you’re blowing things out of proportion. You deserve someone who cares about how you feel. Sorry you’re going through this.

InternationalSuspect 10

Thank you, I really appreciate this. Will definitely be returning to these comments when I start to miss him.

NoMrBond3 8

Great idea!

You deserve a partner, someone who's on your team.

He was willing to put you in a deeply uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situation, and that's just not ok on so many levels.

You deserve so so much better.

Stay strong!

belgiantwatwaffles 16

He chose, OP, and it wasn't you. Not only that, but he evidently has no problem having a friend who cheats and talk shit to his girlfriend. I couldn't be with someone like that.

zandeandecamde 12

Your boyfriend is a sexual harassment enabler. He picks a scumbag over you.

Also who cares if you live far away? Relationships should be give and take, he should have been coming to visit you

Break up with him, he's rubbish if he just stands by why this guy creeps you out.

InternationalSuspect

He was coming and visiting me. Usually on Saturdays, and then once or twice for lunch in the city (since he works evenings).

After a few weeks of only him coming and visiting me, I thought he would be amenable to a solution that enabled me to come and visit him and be more balanced and reciprocal. But he resents me, I think, for being unwilling to go visit him up at his house due to this situation and for him doing the bulk of the traveling as a result.

Before I stopped feeling comfortable going to the house, it was a lot more give and take (although he maintains he was giving more and coming to my place a lot more, even then - he could be right on that - I might be biased towards myself).

ellenvonboyce 12

I feel like I can 99% guarantee that if he caves and gets another roommate that it will be a really attractive girl that he flirts with, and he will get mad at you for having a problem with that too because she's not "W" and why would you have the audacity to try and run his life??

When people show you who they are, believe them.

InternationalSuspect

I really don't think he'd ever go that far. He's been disrespectful here, but NEVER anywhere near this disrespectful thus far. He's also only had male roommates before.
But on your second point... yes...

yesnogoodbye 12

Your boyfriend values his scummy friend more than you. A guy who sexually harasses you every time he sees you is a bigger priority in your boyfriend's life than his relationship with you. Really think about that, and then ask yourself whether you have enough self-respect to draw a hard line in the sand over this.

lonnielee3 11

Yes. It’s worth ending a 3 year relationship. W is creep and he creeps on you. K knows both of these things and doesn’t give a damn. DTMFA.h

junegloom 9

Your bf (ostensibly) told the guy to tone it down, and he hasn't. This is a power play. He's deliberately bothering you about sexual crap because you expressed a desire to stop it, and he's trying to show who's boss by continuing to bother you. That is harrassment for starters. Your boyfriend is also a clueless tool if he can't see what the guy is doing. He's making a power play over both of you and he's winning. I'd dump your bf for being a dumb loser really.

jolie178923-15423435 7

K chose W over you. Its that simple. His creepy friend is more important to him than you are.

4point5billion45 5

I think you have incompatible values. Even though you say he's a decent guy, part of him is consistently okay hanging out with with people cheating on each other or creeping on you. The cheaters and creeper aren't going to stop for your sake, if anything once they pick up your discomfort they'll feel judged and want to separate him from you by saying things like you're no fun, not what he needs, etc.

CrystallinePhoto 5

Why is he buying a house if he still wants roommates? That in itself would be a dealbreaker for me. I hate roommates and if I was with someone who wanted them for anything other then necessity, I’d be out of there. It’s bizarre to me that he’s 28 and still wants a creepy friend living with him.

InternationalSuspect 5

He's always lived with roommates. He's far more social than I am (I live happily alone) and in the military, given common absences/weird work schedules, having a roommate is useful when you have a dog, like he does. He and his roommates switch off on watching/letting out each other's dogs.

But also he's used to paying low rent, and would like to be able to have someone else pay part of his mortgage while still building equity in an "investment."

CrystallinePhoto 3

Ah, gotcha. Personally I’m an introvert so I would hate this regardless of who his roommate was, haha, but of course creepy guy is a horrible pick. I think you’re being more than reasonable just asking him to get a different, better roommate.

rosephase 5

Wow your partner sounds like a jerk. He really sees nothing wrong with his roommate bringing up his sex life all the time to his girlfriend? He doesn't listen to you when you say you are uncomfortable. And he doesn't care about making his place a space you can feel safe? He doesn't sound like much of a partner.

Soulger11 5

T-t-t-t-t time to go.

kiwolf88 4

This one hits home to me. And I'm so glad you're getting out now (as per your edit)

When we love someone, we can so easily overlook red flags. When I was first with my ex husband. I thought he was awesome! He had this one friend though who was the most crude, misogynistic POS I'd ever met. Literally when I was introduced to him within 5 minutes he had told me to "shut my bitch mouth" for voicing my opinion on a topic. He had slept with a girl before then walked out to the living area where his friends were and threw the condom at them laughing. He talked about who he wanted to fuck and what a dumb skank and stupid slut xyz were.

I was floored that my partner (who ended up my husband) would hang out with someone like that as he seemed so different. When I voiced my concerns my husband would constantly defend him and say I was "too sensitive"

Eventually I refused to hang out with this guy or have him in my house and my husband met up with him elsewhere occasionally.

It never made sense to me why my husband would like someone that way. BUT over the years.. he started making similar comments himself. Reffered to me and our children to new friends as his "bitch and kids" made comments about women like "dont stick your dick in crazy" and generally started to sound a lot like his father (who is both sexist and racist all the time)

I noticed he gained more friends like this over time too. Who had this kind of thought pattern about women or were low-key sexist/chauvinistic. One of his friends openly admitted he only valued people based on how "pretty" they were and would actively make comments if he found anyone (in any context) physically unattractive.

He pressured me and put me down a lot towards the end about not wanting to sleep with him despite becoming increasingly controlling/negative and nasty to me over the years. At one stage I woke up to him assaulting me (when I cried he told me he thought I was awake and said "sorry")

He actively dissapproved of me wearing make up or heels and rang me anytime I had visitors or went out to question why and ask if I was cheating.

We stayed on ok terms for years after we split as we have children- but when I invited him to events he would get drunk and loudly put me down in front of others. In one year when I was dating someone else he reffered to me as "The bitch who fucks asians" while drunk at a Halloween party (in front of friends and our kids)

I'm with someone now who's the polar opposite and 0% of his friends talk or behave anything like this.

Just remember- if this guy has that person in his life ongoing (validating the behaviour) there is at least a percentage of him that feels the same way/agrees/functions on the same level. Even if it hasn't come out to you personally yet. We attract who we are. So if this guy hanging around is scum and your partner accepts that- it's basically a % of him that is scum too.

Marrowup 4

I feel like your boyfriend doesn't have any respect for you. I'm sorry.

peachestb 4

You have been more than reasonable. Offering to pay the rent for a few months is overly kind.

If your boyfriend of THREE years is perfectly fine with his creep friend bringing up your childhood traumas and telling you about his genitals, then something is wrong.

I suggest you move on and find someone who loves and values you enough to take your (very valid!!!) feelings into account. You deserve someone who puts your safety and comfortability above all else.

Lekromn 3

If a man disrespected my wife in that manner, he wouldn't get a second chance to do it again, I guarantee you that. I have far too much respect for my wife to let anyone treat her like that! Maybe it's time your soon to be ex got a reality check.

FraterPoliphilo 3

It's well worth it to end a relationship because someone doesn't respect your reasonable boundary. Stop wasting time with this guy.

WeirdGrowth 2

Your BF keeps choosing this creep over you. He's telling you where his priorities and trust lie... and they're not with you.

I hope you follow through and end the relationship. Sometimes love is simply not enough, relationships can go through hard times, but they shouldn't be a painful struggle, and both people should be trying to make things right even when they're hard. K may have been right for now, but he's not Mr. Right, your true match is waiting for you in the future. Make sure you're free to be with him when you meet.

Good luck.

WistfulPuellaMagi 2

There’s a reason why people judge others by the company they keep. Good on you for being assertive op.

TMNT4ME 2

Your boyfriend is friends with a dude who cheated on his fiancé. And he wasn’t bothered by it at all. He wasn’t bothered by how you were treated and he doesn’t care how you feel about it. Leave him OP, he has the same values as W, he’s just better at hiding it.

Kholzie 2

I dislike cheating, but the sexual harassment came first and was the first thing K ignored. It would be the sticking point, in my book.

TMNT4ME 0

Yup, I agree. When your SO keeps someone like that around, well you definitely don’t wanna be around after that.

hey_yo_mr_white 2

You can’t control what W says.

You can’t control who K has over at the house or as a roommate.

You can control going over to see K if there’s someone there who makes you feel uncomfortable.

wayzofgray 2

Hey if you ever read this just know a random person thinks you did the right thing! If your SO was unwilling to stand up to his roommate for you then he is the kind that won’t protect you from other people. It’s just like if an SO has a mean parent they chose over their partner. I wish you the best of luck in the future!

pickelrick_ 2

The roommate seems dangerous u can't let ur guard down around him at all. Most guys care if someone's being innaporpriate with his chick.. maybe he's been telling him lies about u .. either way doesn't scream that he cares about u

Grommph 2

OP, I just read your edit. If your mind is made up that this relationship is over, you need to let him know before he acts on your ultimatum.

Regardless of how you feel about all this, it's not right to let this guy end a long friendship and cause negative impact to his career over choosing to be with someone that already intends to dump him anyway.

aacmnac 2

I wouldn't even date someone who was best friends with someone so disgusting, since it shows he approves.

leiawdaforce 2

Yeah he just chose his gross creepy friend over you. I usually am not a fan of ultimatums but in this case.......

Chezkel 2

There's always gonna be shifty people popping up in life. It's unfortunate, but true. What's more telling, at least I think, is what people you do trust will do in response to people like this. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to care about your feelings in this, doesn't seem to want to do anything about his awful friend, and is frankly being disrespectful of you, your boundaries, and your emotions. With all due respect, if someone like that really who you want to be spending your time with?

RarestProGamerr 2

You are literally willing to spend 500$ to live comfortably with him, that should be answer itself to you. Just give him an ultimatum it is either him or me, that's it, but if i was in your situation, i would rather end the relationship with him.

-Because even he chooses you, it is only gonna make him bitter down the road as "she forced me to do this" and guilt trip you and make you feel bad about it. My suggestion is that you should end the relationship asap, i am actually surprised how long you were willing to tolerate W because of your love, so kudos to you but for some reason K fails on every level to see that.

420Fps 2

Well, when you inevitability break up you can't say you didn't warn him

ItzSpiffy 2

Well if we judge him by his actions, it is clear he not only prioritizes his friend over you, but in light of the "on the rocks" nature of your relationship this may very well be one of those subtle "fuck off" techniques that some people do wherein they avoid having to take any direct action simply by behaving in a way to compel the other person to become miserable enough to give in first, like "Break-up Chicken". But seriously. When in doubt, just judge by a persons actions. It's plain as day that your feelings and your relationship aren't a priority to him, don't you think?

Ajs1004 2

This guy is a creep who rubs his genitals when you’re around. How do you not know he won’t sneak into the bed one night when you’re sleeping there and pretend to be your boyfriend? Your boyfriend should be protecting you from this guy. End it.

annshine 2

Your boyfriend is a really terrible partner. He’s the kind to walk in on W touching you inappropriately and act all surprised and ask what you did wrong.

Just no. And W is horrendous as well, if you stay together be clear that it’s with no exposure to W. But beware he doesn’t try to come after you

panic_bread 2

Your boyfriend has shown you that he doesn’t respect women. Please get away from both of these disrespectful men.

resultsmayvary0 1

I'm at " I am in therapy currently for all of the above things and working through them." and I think you should have been dumped this guy. Let's see where this goes...oh good, you're gonna dump him. Yeah this guy either doesn't regard your feelings as a priority or he's simply too immature for the type of relationship you want.

bananapancakez 1

This sounds pretty deal breaker imo. Maybe he doesn't realize, really, how bad the friend is? Shitty people are great at not letting friends realize how shitty they actually are, so shitty behavior becomes more normalized to then.

Maybe you should let him read this post and see these responses, and then have a coming to Jesus talk with him.

thecheekymonkey 1

Its unreasonable for him to want to carry on. Youve done the right thing and they way you have handled it (by what you have said) is more than reasonable.

Good luck

valiantdistraction 1

It is absolutely worth it to end a relationship because your partner doesn't care about your comfort and repeatedly puts you in situations with someone who behaves inappropriately toward you. If anything, I think you've been TOO easygoing about this and should have laid the law down earlier.

lydocia 1

He made his choice.

If you stay with him, don't visit his house.

ChuMin88 1

IF ITS NOT TOO LATE FOR MY INPUT, i would like to express my impartial take. I feel that everyone might've been too quick to judge cuz of social bias. But rather than your bf choosing W over you, i feel that your bf is just stupidly in denial and truly believed you were overreacting. Consider the common problem of an SO's opp gender friend who claims to be platonic but shows all the signs of wanting more. Without explicit proof, the SO is likely to remain in denial rather than believing their longlasting frienship was a sham. I believe this to be similar to your issue.

That being said, you did the right thing in giving him that ultimatum, as even though he has the right to choose his roommate, you shouldn't have to suffer because of it. HOWEVER, if he does choose you over W, i think you shouldn't hold it against him as it is not an easy decision for him im sure. His previous stance only shows how much more significant it will be when he chooses you. If its like this, his true colors would make him to be really stupid, but not bad. (Only going off of what was given in the original post)

hotpinkrazr 1

Your boyfriend is unwilling to stick up for you. Dump him.

Edit: Him and his date rapey friends sound like the inspiration for a future episode of Law and Order SVU. Run girl.

TheOroborus 1

Soooo do you plan on living together once y’all are married? Cuz that’s a horrible idea

Nipplenopple666 1

Honestly, I would re-evaluate K. He WANTS to spend time with someone like W? It’s a red flag to me that he enjoys the company and will even fight you for the company of someone who behaves like that.

moltenrock 1

dump.... there's a reason after 3 years you are not married and living a great life together -- and you know it.

reaubeaut 1

Either he is boinking him, or he is trying to get rid of you.

grendelone 0

You offered a number of more than reasonable (in fact overly generous) alternatives to rooming with W. Your BF completely dismissed your feelings and concerns and is rooming with W anyway. That should tell you everything you need to know about where on your BF's list of priorities you rank.

mouradjt -1

I don't know if I am the only one but I wouldn't stop talking to a friend because he cheated. Thats none of my business so I don't see why K should stop talking to them or spent less time with them because of that. The other part about disrespecting you like that i fully agree he shouldn't let his friends talk to you like that.

Adingding90 -2

Chiming in after the edit, but OP: I think Mark Gungor has some very good advice and tips on marriage and relationships in general - you might want to look into that next time.

ZyklonBilly -2

How old were you when your uncle popped your cherry? It's clear you are a broken person, get therapy.

whitepussykills

Could you be any more boring? Ugly bitch.

shiftdown -13

How about you move out for a while and see if his roommate is worth your relationship.

Elvishgirl

Adults shouldn't just be expected to not be creepy and innapropriate, they should also be expected to speak up and prevent mistreatment of the people they love.

I wouldn't date someone who has friends like this, because it means he condones this sort of predatory behavior.