just another relationship story

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I was recently ask what my goals are, what my plan is. Am I where I planned to be? What do I want to do with my life? What next? Where am I going? Where do I see myself next? I didn’t answer, I just sat there quietly as my mind wondered.

My first thought was I want to do everything, I want to accomplish so much. I wish I had the time and money for school because I’d love to do so much. I want to become fluent in another language, I want to better my sign language skills, I want to develop apps, I want to create software to help people, but most of all I want to learn how to read. I wish more than anything I could read.

My second though wasn’t as happy. As I sat there thinking I realized something, I never planned on being here this long. I never planned on living this long. I used to make deals with myself when things were at their worse, just one more day, one more. Give it one more chance. I knew no one else was going to save me, I had to save myself. That’s how it’s always been. The only person here for me is me, that’s the only person that will ever be here for me.

I never planned to see this day but I never planned to stop it either. I’m stuck in between, sort of in limbo. I still tell myself just one more day, one more chance. I hold onto the maybe and the hope. I hope one day someone will give me the reason to stay for good but I know deep down the only reason to stay is for me.
I stay because I can’t let myself go.

I’m just staying alive, trying to keep busy. I got fired from a job, but then unfired. It’s a mess. And another job is falling apart, it may not be around much longer. And I can’t afford to buy a bulletproof vest that’s required for work. They don’t have my size so I have to buy my own and I don’t have the money for that.

I’ve been keeping busy, working for two families to recover information after their family member took their life. Was partially successful with one family and more successful with another. I’m just trying to learn more and get the stuff they want. I need help, in more ways than one. I’m just struggling so much right now. What to do in life, where I’m going.

I’m just here trying to figure stuff out. Just trying to survive this life.

Not a time of year I enjoy. My mother doesn’t appreciate me nor anything I do for her. In fact, it’s pretty clear to everyone around that she downright hates me. She ignores me unless she needs something to yell at. I’m nothing to her. Never have been, never will be. That’s life. That’s how it will always be.

The worse thing happened today and I can’t even talk about it. My man is suffering, which makes me suffer but I can’t talk about it! Life is so fucked up right now and I’m so angry! I’m beyond angry, I’m pissed off! Pissed off at her! Pissed off at my coworkers for being selfish assholes! I’m just ducking pissed!

Just when things were looking up for me the government decided they “knew what was best” and fucked me over. I don’t work a “normal” job and you die hard, brainwashed Union supports can just leave your comments out! I’m not in the mood so shove them up your ass along with your head!

I lost all my overtime and gained MASSIVE increased on my insurance. I went from paying $130 a month, with TWO pre-existing conditions to paying $340 a month! That’s one and a half fucking paychecks! I don’t qualify for any assistance because I’m a RESPONSIBLE adult that believes in WORKING for what I have! I didn’t get myself knocked up, I got an education, don’t drink, don’t party, and pay my bills. What did this get me? A big fuck you from my country!

Today I got notice that my new price will be nearly $400 a month! Are you fucking kidding?!? That is TWO paychecks! I’m already starving myself with one full mean and small snacks each down, trying to get by. Now what the fuck am I suppose to do?! I have to have my phone for work otherwise I wouldn’t be able to know about open shifts to pick them up, nor would I be able to get myself scheduled in the timely manor I do to ensure my regular shifts. I have to have car insurance, can’t cut that. I have to pay on my student loans, which I took out to earn a degree and license to function as a paramedic. Only to find out that I could be paid more at McDonalds. Does that scare you? The person asking, “do you want fries with that?” makes more money than the one you call for help and expect a miracle from when your loved one stops breathing.

If I don’t get this job, I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. Either I go uninsured just so I can eat. Or I find the tallest bridge to jump off of because I literally can’t afford to live anymore. I would like to thanks the “affordable” care act for making that jump possible.

Why have I been absent from here? Why haven’t I written? Where have I been?

I’ve been here. Still living life, fucked over by ObamaCare, or CrapCare as we call it. Just when things are finally starting to go good for me, the government comes along and fucks me over. The cut in hours and increase in insurance and medical cost is screwing me royally. Then my dog had major surgery and is now on a special diet. I starve myself to make sure he gets his food and medicine because he’s the only one that loves me. He’s all I have. I refuse to see him suffer.

Before you liberal supporters start in, let me explain something. What the fuck did you think was going to happen to part time hours?!? You can’t just create full time spots! ESPECIALLY in a business run off tax dollars when people won’t vote to pay higher taxes. You can’t just demand my job offers that when they can barely get by as it is. At least they were paying me overtime! At least I had that going for me and thanks to your dumbass ideas, I lost it! lost all my over time and now have to pay 4 times MORE a month for insurance because you decided we need to cover everyone. This doesn’t fix anything! It creates a bigger problem and I’m left to suffer! Just when things were getting better. I work almost daily and the few days I do have off I spend trying to find more work. Another job, odd jobs, fixing stuff for people, building crap…anything to get by.

I am literally living off bread and butter, Ramon noodles, and soup. Why? Because I can’t afford to eat. I can’t afford to buy food, I get whatever is on sale and eat two “meals”, if that what you call it, a day. My doctor is on me about my weight being too low, several over my coworkers have noticed, but I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone it’s because I can’t afford to eat. And I don’t qualify for any assistance because I’ve been a responsible person. I don’t have kids, I live alone, it’s just me and the dog. But it’s ok, continuing life like this will probably kill me sooner, which is good. Less suffering. The sooner it’s all over the better.

So why haven’t I written? Because I can’t get the shit out of my head, I can’t get my thoughts straight and I can’t afford the medicine to help me. I’m stuck and there’s nothing I can do. That’s just life. I deal with it. I’m worthless like my mother always told me. I’m replaceable.

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"I believe that two people are connected at the heart, and it doesn't matter what you do, or who you are or where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together." - Julia Roberts

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