Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Political Ads I'd Like to See

Good lord!
The real campaigning hasn’t even started, and I’m already sick of the name
calling and mud-slinging!

I have conducted a somewhat unscientific poll of
people’s attitudes toward the election ads that are assailing us.When seventeen average folks were queried as
to what they thought of the current crop of commercials revolving around
candidates, two rated their feelings as slightly negative, three rated their
feelings as very negative, five said they were extremely negative in how they
felt, and the rest were still swearing and throwing things when I ran away in
fear of my life.(This poll has an error
rating of plus or minus something or other.)

After
listening to some of the ads, one is left wondering what kind of smarmy
individual signs up to produce political ads.Do you suppose those folks have any sort of personal beliefs, or are
they entirely mercenary?How can they
justify the product? It’s not hard to imagine how such companies rationalize
what they put out.

“We’re an apolitical advertising agency,
actually.We don’t follow any political
party tenets, and would never play favorites.Frankly, we don’t really care who wins.As long as there are two- or even better, more than two- people who
don’t get along, and are willing to pay major bucks for us to deconstruct the
truth, spin a position, misinterpret an opponent’s public statement and
generate believable character assassinations, we’re perfectly happy.Really, ya gotta love the democratic
process.”

With that in
mind, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and write the top ten
political ads I’d like to hear.

Number ten: “My opponent claims I
haven’t worked hard for Americans. Do
you have any idea what it’s like to sit through those boring state dinners, all
the while trying to act totally entranced as some long-winded blow-hard with a
foreign accent goes on interminably about some special interest project? YOU tell ME I haven’t worked hard.”

Number nine:“My opponent has accused me of intemperate
behavior.Well, buster, to be perfectly
honest, the only way I can get through some of those baby-kissing photo-ops is
to get half-toasted.”

Number
eight:“My opponent claims to have
created over 400,000 jobs.As if!He doesn’t have nearly that many friends and
family!”

Number six:“We’ve
all heard the twisted, distorted and erroneous figures my opponent has tossed
out, all in a vain effort to counter the figures I’ve supplied to support my
position.Well, as they say, figures lie
and liars figure, and obviously there’s a liar in this race figuring that you
good voters will figure out which liar figured first, and... umm... that is to
say... oh, never mind.”

Number
five:“This is Willy B. Lected, your
candidate of choice, and I’ve approved the following commercial.Of course, I don’t have any actual input
because my handlers think my I.Q. is about five points lower than a sweet
potato and they don’t want me to get confused, but I approve of it nonetheless.”

Number four:“If elected, I will work tirelessly to open ANWR.I will continue to support the careful and environmentally
responsible development of our natural resources.I will support and introduce legislation that
will provide the means and financing to expand our economy by utilizing the
many, and varied, natural gifts bestowed upon our great land.But you folks gotta realize, there’s a bunch
of bunny-hugging morons hanging around Washington.I’m working with a tough crowd.”

Number
three:“When elected, I will work
ceaselessly to heal the divisions that have been created during this rancorous
campaign.I will reach out to the
members of the other party to form bonds and alliances born of bipartisanship
in an effort to bring forth the best we can for our country, our nation, which
must stand united in these difficult times!Of course, if I’m leader of the majority party, all that nonsense
is off.”

Number
two:“When I go out into the communities,
people ask me why I’m running for the toughest job in the world.Let me tell you.I believe in our elderly.I believe in our children.I believe in the working class.I believe in our students.I believe in our country.I believe in the untapped potential we all
harbor.I believe in our future.I believe in the Tooth Fairy.But most of all, I believe it’s got to be
better than the possibility of no job, or flipping burgers.”

And now for the number one political ad that I,
personally, would most like to hear:“Neener-neener-neeeeener!Liar, liar, pants on fire!”