I do not know what it is about the words, the words we use to explain or define what it is that is done at us. They all seem as such ugly words, such stupid ugly words, and I can not seem to use those words right. I can not even ask it right of someone else to use those words, not even to say of what is done at me, but for someone more. I actually type that word, that 'r' word, twice while I talk at someone yesterday, and it scares me. I see this word, this little thing, but it is in the writing, and it looks so horrible, it looks like it is so strong and powerful at me. I try to use that word and it looks so wrong, that I can not have that thing done at me, that is not what it is. But that is what it is, and I can not say it, and that make it seem more big, and more above me and out of the reach where I can fix it or understand it or not mind it. It is just a word, is that right? I think it it is right that it is four-letter word, it is dirty and vulgar just like those others are to me. Why do I let it have this power to make me fear? It is just a word!

Leosha, that "R" word is one we all hate to use. For me, I hate it because, I think that as soon as I use it, the men who hear it start thinking about what it means and I feel, I am sure it is not true, but I feel, that they think less of me because it happened to me. So, it is not odd to not want to use that word.

Remember "R" is all about the abuse of power. BUT for us, it was all about feeling humiliated, embarassed, abused, made to "feel like a girl", i.e. feel that we are less manly because it happened to us, and it was usually physically painful, at least until it had happened so often that it hurt much less.

But the truth is Leosha, that some very big and powerful men have at times come out and told that they too had been a victim of "R"--it in no ways makes us less than, rather, it makes us more than, more powerful and stronger than those who never could have lived if it had happened to them.

It is all a matter of attitude I guess. But I admit, that when I say that about myself, I feel myself blush a little and even feel like I wish I could take the word back sometimes.

Bob

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If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

It has taken me some time to reply. I remember when I stopped kidding myself last summer. I wrote down what I knew had happened to me. And I wrote down that word.

I still remember writing it the first time. I remember trying to say it a few days later. It is a scary word, because it is the name of a terrible evil.

Once I wrote it, I started on the road to getting better. It is an ugly word, but some things that are ugly need names.

Joe

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"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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