The sun is out this week in Montreal. Cool but freakin' sunny, and that is what matters to me most these days, light.

Everything else is pretty much where I need it to be in order for me to be able to function and be more than less responsible. Freedom and responsibility are inseparable in my mindset and disposition, and that may well be the factor that defines the philosophy of existentialism. Lots to speculate on there, but that is a rabbit hole I like to explore and keep for myself, especially deep into the night.

What I really wanted to express to you my dear lot of sorted friends, acquaintances and foes is that none of this really matters except through the act of being kind to others as often as you can. Everybody suffers, and all of us are likely to be struggling with one thing or another now or then or later, and sometimes it can be pretty serious by having an effect on well being, which in the end is all we should all strive for - that is being well as often as we can manage.

Below is a link to a commencement speech that my older brother sent to me a while ago, and I think it is just perfect for today and tomorrow and thereafter. So at whatever stage you happen to be in via your borrowed time, have a look & see because it is funny and true in the end. And unless you are about to die suddenly, then you hurry to read it and reflect upon its light. Life is long & wonderous & strange no matter when it is taken away from you.

Maxed out at 10 machines, no more no less. Toujours a 10 machines, pas moins pas plus. Une règle suivi gueri de tout. A rule respected can cure anything.

A philosophy of doing shall rule til the days when I can no longer "do" arrive. Because when I am too old to wipe my own ass, adjust an AX relay or relieve a woman from sighing, there will be only memories to fill my time. So, the task at hand is to build a RRSP of memories, come hell or calm tides.

Spring is obviously coming because I'm starting to do a fairly large reorg of my basement. One of my favourite things in the city is the first June weekend everyone does "curbside giveaway". If the weather is good, you just put out all sorts of stuff at the end of your driveway and people from all over can sift through.So for anything of mine that still has some utility, but I don't think is worth selling or trying hard to find a home for, I can pile it all out there and someone will grab it. Scraps of lumber and metal, unopened hardware cans, random kitchen bits, once-used cleaners, superfluous tools, etc.The opportunity to get rid of stuff, but knowing that it's not going direct to a landfill, is really motivating for me.

After the great purge I'm going to redo a lot of my shelving in the storage/arcade room and hopefully set up a big display of pachinko, pachinko-style, and vertical classic pennyarcade game machines.

If any of you get a line on any of the style of machines below, hit me up ASAP! My place will be out of contention for hosting official tournaments since I'll just have 3 pins there, but once I get it all together I still want to invite the OPL crew over.

I fooled daylight savings time today by going to bed at 9:30 last night,which was actually 8:30. Finished off the last two soldiers at the bottom of the gift from Chez Ma Tente at supper. Food to accompany the drowning of consciousness consisted of chop suey which helped to send me straight into a deep slumber fooling the clock and saluting this shitty weather with a hearty

Got to work at 6:30, I start at 8. Go figure.

Spring will come soon and everything shitty about this period will be forgotten.

Last edited by R.A.B. on Mon Mar 11, 2019 6:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Maxed out at 10 machines, no more no less. Toujours a 10 machines, pas moins pas plus. Une règle suivi gueri de tout. A rule respected can cure anything.

A philosophy of doing shall rule til the days when I can no longer "do" arrive. Because when I am too old to wipe my own ass, adjust an AX relay or relieve a woman from sighing, there will be only memories to fill my time. So, the task at hand is to build a RRSP of memories, come hell or calm tides.

Maxed out at 10 machines, no more no less. Toujours a 10 machines, pas moins pas plus. Une règle suivi gueri de tout. A rule respected can cure anything.

A philosophy of doing shall rule til the days when I can no longer "do" arrive. Because when I am too old to wipe my own ass, adjust an AX relay or relieve a woman from sighing, there will be only memories to fill my time. So, the task at hand is to build a RRSP of memories, come hell or calm tides.

Time. I have decided it is more important than I have let it be thus far.It feels shorter as the 1/2 century approaches; and today I made mental plans for 1/2 way mark celebratory requirements.Driving west to east this time headed from the great plains back to the centre of the universe. Need to visit the soul as well as the capital sooner than once planned.This time is just me in the truck, travelling as slow as the new rules allow me to, no companions, no noise. Silence. Just time for me to drive and watch and view and perceive and think.

Thanks for the news & update Scott. I understand everything you wrote, so I know that I am not alone, and I reckon many more of the middle aged guys here who don't write often know the importance of being intentful in view of the road ahead, however bumby or smooth. Even if we don't totally accept the new rules in the depths of our being along with the weird looking road signs ahead, we move forward and look for ways to be ourselves on the way to where we want to be. It seems to get harder to change and steer and truck the loads we have accumulated as we settle into the later phases of our lives. We don't care too much for change in the same way as we did during our younger years when we were building the roads and putting up the roadsigns that made sense to us. We even use to welcome change and promoted it back then, maybe that is the trick, just like the Italians did in Catch 22 during the second world war, but I digress, - poor Yossarian nonetheless.

There is no way for me to describe this period adequately, or my thoughts about it. I feel the struggles of those around me and see my own clearly. Those whom I see as thoughtful and intelligent are trying to make sense of their world and navigate within it without necessarily resigning to acceptance as a short cut to finding peace. There are other ways to make your life into what you want it to be and the fight is not always what you expect it to be.

Sometimes you need to fight hard against what you are told (or think) cannot be changed. I am still managing to remain an existentialist in these screwy times. I will fight to remain free from convention while being responsible for a long time yet, and I work at this everyday.

All my hopes. We must have a Pow Wow somewhere soon, Hawksbury seems likely.

Maxed out at 10 machines, no more no less. Toujours a 10 machines, pas moins pas plus. Une règle suivi gueri de tout. A rule respected can cure anything.

A philosophy of doing shall rule til the days when I can no longer "do" arrive. Because when I am too old to wipe my own ass, adjust an AX relay or relieve a woman from sighing, there will be only memories to fill my time. So, the task at hand is to build a RRSP of memories, come hell or calm tides.

Does the following ring a bell ? It is from last year in this period. it should seem similar somewhat. If not, pisser. Tough feces if not as well.

Journal entry – March 16th, 2018 - between the 13th and the ground floor of an endless winter

I left for work earlier than usual this morning in hopes to get done with this, and any other day for that matter a little faster. I know that this is not reasonable as far logic is concerned, but bear with me, we are not dealing with efficiency here, or logic for that matter. It just goes to show you how tired and fed up I am with my job in corporate culture these days. They trust their machines more than they trust their employees, and so it has come to a sad state of affairs. But with every wrong may possibly come a right, and this time it began to all happen when the elevator stopped on the 9th floor on the way down from the 13th. (there is no 13th floor in my building, I am on what they have labeled the 14th apparently. This building is from the 60’s when people believed in something or other)

The elevator stops, the doors open, and a neighbour I know on a casual “comment ca va ?” basis comes in. She is sporting full winter clothes, heavy digital work gear strapped/loaded on her. She is beautiful but looks like a donkey at this point. We don’t even know each other by name, but we have exchanged many a casual conversation in the past year or so in and around this wonderful building designed by Ludwig Mies van der Rohe in the early 60's.

“Routine mostly, you know, the winter blahs and all. Looking forward to spring. How about you, quoi de neuf ?”

That was her cue, that is all she needed - a little attention and she just took the stage from there to the ground floor.

“This period of the year sucks, c'est de la merde, total shit. Tout va mal and it seems like there is no end in sight. Je me plie en quatre pour mes patrons, je travail fort en maudit sans aucun signe d’appréciation de mon équipe. My kid won’t talk to me anymore et ma vie amoureuse est dans la poubelle. I am so fucking sick and tired of all this snow, ice, wind, rain and crap, just totally fed up !”

She stopped suddenly. All I could stupidly think to say was that things will get better. We were almost on the ground floor by then and she simply said, - “I am sorry for all this, I think it had to come out, et je m’excuse pour la vulgarité.”

That was my cue as she fell silent and the elevator doors opened. I told her not to apologize and I that I felt the same way about things and that I completely understood everything she had said and deeply understood every emotion she exclaimed so clearly, openly and naturally. Told her that I am very familiar with this period of the year and being full of despair laced with a deep & shitty sense of futility due to seasonal disorder or whatever the hell those so called professionals dink weeds have named this condition in Nordic countries where levels of alcoholism tend to be statistically higher for a damn good reason. (I didn’t tell her the last part) We are cold and tired and fed up of fighting to be under a warm clear light of good company and appreciation. Life seems like death and we wait stupidly for vice versa.

“ So you feel this too ? “ she asked.

“Yes I do.”

“Well, at least I know it isn’t just me.”

No shit I thought to myself as I considered her as a clever soulmate.

That is the crux of it, we usually are feeling the same things as others do in our entourage, but in varying degrees, yet nobody says anything about it when they feel bad because there seems to be a certain social shame in admitting this to strangers. We think that we are alone, we’re not, only sometimes. And when the seasons change, we will not be completely alone either in feeling better. I loved the fact that she spoke so openly to me even though we don't really know each other. This showed me that she harbours an honest and strong character. I like that very much in a woman.

We came to the front entrance of our building and gave each other words of encouragement and a friendly hug as we went off to our respective jobs. Again, we do not know each other by name, just a neighbour around my age. I know that there are many others who feel they have no real support these days from their entourage in and through the difficult life situations we may be living, but I know that a new spring will come and another shot at life will occur once again. Just got to get through these winter doldrums in order to have a chance at something better. In the meantime, I am going to talk to more people any chance I get until spring gets here, and then I will breathe that in fully and completely and will likely talk a lot less and just enjoy the sun.

April 30th, 2018 later - gray skies were still there at the end of April last year, do you remember how winter dragged on & on last year ?

I met my 9th floor neighbour in our apartment building lobby as she came home from work while I was on my way out to visit Bruno in Varennes. Again, we are of the same generation and she seems to have similar values and once again showed her strong & honest character. We were both obviously fed up with this seemingly endless bastard of a winter. Needless to say, she struck me as having serious potential and good caliber in and through our common condition which seems to accompany the later phases of life. She has an acute ability in sharing these similar dispositions, then again, who knows. It is just pure delight these days to have people talk openly about what so many of us find difficult to admit to strangers. We are at our wits end these days with pressures and stress and anxiety and responsibilities and things we think we need to live up to, yet we trudge on through the mud of these times regardless of the impossibility of certain tasks at this stage of our lives. We are brave in a way, yet dangerously innocent to the trouble ahead, like young trusting canon fodder during a war. Let's hope that whoever is in command isn't drunk on power. My friend Chris Decosta would say, "It is what it is." ,and I almost agree with him these days, so bring on trouble I say, it all has to have a chance to vent as well. After all, the rich must be overfed and the poor must die while the uber rich have no real use for common folks anymore since we shipped out almost all of our factories overseas for more profit and less jobs for the people of our land generating greater and more obscene profit for the few. The middle class will be allowed to live off the minimum and some in order to sustain this system of lies while being kept falsely content while remaining in the middle until the end. Higher taxes and inflation will keep them in check for the rest of their lives. Welcome to Walmart and Costco where you are made to feel important and are made to feel like a smart shopper. Lots of deals here for the informed and advised. Enjoy our specials, because “the man” already knows what you will be buying this week before you do.

But back to my smart 9th floor neighbour. Here she is in her all her honesty and forthrightness back in mid-March.

Your writing brings us back to those moments, of cruel darkness and hopelessness we are living these days.But now, we can sort of laugh about it all, and soon I hope we can make it meaningless together !I truly love reading your clips, it is equipped with eloquence, humour and lots of anecdotessqel BUvtdhtmb. (I don't understand the latter two words)

Here is my journal entry from Monday, thought you may get some insight from it :

It may take you some time in order to make a separation between working and not working as you get close to retirement. Gonna be an adjustment for sure, but then again, why make that separation at all. You use to have to make that separation in order to stay sane, and your close friends and family know that this didn't work out too well. You were a miserable mess when you were living in that Cineplex-Starburst culture. It is all about letting life flow and continue in and through your daily activities in a chosen scenario of doing what you are really about. Don't let anyone define that for you.

Here's to life away from the god-damn "A type" personalities who take all the fun out of work. Live, work, play, love and laugh, I know that sounds like a Hallmark card, but this is what I think and feel as I write to you while sipping very good red wine tonight. There is so much to be done and I welcome that, just have to protect yourself from those who have become a cure for happiness, and those people are multiplying rapidly as our empire declines into times that are not very conducive to sharing the beauty and extraordinary natural wealth of our world. That is all that matters in the end, beauty and nature. Prosperity gaps are growing, and the race to the end is likely on. I may not want to run that race.

Maxed out at 10 machines, no more no less. Toujours a 10 machines, pas moins pas plus. Une règle suivi gueri de tout. A rule respected can cure anything.

A philosophy of doing shall rule til the days when I can no longer "do" arrive. Because when I am too old to wipe my own ass, adjust an AX relay or relieve a woman from sighing, there will be only memories to fill my time. So, the task at hand is to build a RRSP of memories, come hell or calm tides.

I am finding it difficult to reflect on, contemplate and write about the past of late.It is a "focus" consuming endeavor that I don't feel I currently have the time to spend upon.

I do however, think about what was different that I do not like about the current age we are in. Freedom.Freedom to me as a 17 year old youth was the ability to drive, own my own car and hit the open road. Absolute Freedom.

The novelty has yet to wear off after 30+ years of driving...Time on the open road is still how I choose my freedom when life allows...

Maybe because I am slowly coming out of the winter blahs with a nasty cold as a sidedish to the crap already in my plate which has decided to accompany this yearly thaw. Didn't make it to work on Monday, but back on today with my piss and vinegar levels coming back up to where they should be,- I can feel it almost at par with the world around me. Mr.Mojo rising for now and probably back down at night.

I keep involuntarily slipping out of "the moment". It takes practice to stay in the moment, i.e. repetition is key, however dull that can be. Apparently doing it over and over again is the key to the whole kit and kaboodle trudging on.

The present moment is a great place to obtain temporary refuge from the intensity and accelerated beat of city life which most of us deal with every day, especially in Hogtown. So we look for that state of peacefulness which can now be acheieved via many more short cuts than hitherto more suited to the city than repetitive meditation & yoga more suited to being out in nature. We are city dwellers so we need results fast damn it, even when it comes to well being.

For many go getters, purposelessness is for the nightime when the day is done, so a short cut to being in "the moment" can be acheived fairly quickly by smoking dope or drinking alcholol or watching mindless TV, listening to talk radio, consuming opiates readily available in many forms, nightly excercise (i.e. sex), and lots of different anti-depressants (there are so many kinds now) to fit with your DNA. In short, whatever it takes to stop thinking and planning and worrying in order to be in the moment. In the end, the moment is where we would like to be all the time. And if we were there more often there may be less craziness and harm done, anyway that is what the buddists say. But that is not where everyone lives, the concept that you have to do somethig & be something is deeply engrained in our culture. So once survival is sort of gaurenteed, as it is for most of us in the first world, we are told that there is more than just being content. I guess I as well have fallen into that trap head first at a young age, but never saw work as a four letter word until a few times in the last couple of years and from 2006 to 2007.

Alot of the day time activities we pursue have for the purpose of reaching some goal or promise of peacefulness later in life or at night, but this may be a creul hoax that many of us may believe as desireable. There may be no goal, or peace of anything else for that matter. Most of us know something of this deep down inside and that is why we try and do other things than working for the man, we start businesses and pursue voactions and interests and hopefully earn money as a consequence, not soley as a goal, but to be able to live in the moment as often as we can whether it be day or night. Our time is now as it has always been.

Regardless, everybody needs a pancea to the human condition when you grasp the meaningless of your life or when it grabs you in the middle of the night. And especially in the later years for some reason, we need things to be calm, comfortable and quiet before exiting. As if being on earth past a certain point makes us out to be evolutlon's unwanted guest as it tries to get rid of us while we keep reaching for the crab puffs. And there are more and more of us with our hands in the honey pot as the population ages, may get funky sooner than later.

It is a game we are playing in general, and very little of it actually matters to our overall well being. Fabtricated panic sucks, and damn, it seems to have increased so much in the last few years in order to generate a sense that something is actually happening when it is not. I think I am finally learning how to deal with this, and I learned how partially from my female neighbour who has a dog named Genco that likes me very much. I know the dog's name but not hers for some reason, must be the pinball association still being too prevelant in my life. We exchange ideas when we meet at the elevators, and one morning she told me about her daily schedual after talking about how busy we all are these days.

She runs her own business and is a real go get her. Wakes at 5:00 AM every weekeday, mediatates for 1/2 an hour, takes Genco out for a walk at 6:30 when we usually cross paths at the elevators and presses both the up and the down button to get the elevator to the 14th floor faster, gets ready for work and charges head first into her business world with an aggresive nature that puts me to shame. She's just under 50, practises yoga bi-weekly with another neighbour I see occasionally. On weekends we occasionally cross paths at the gym and says that regular get aways from the city are crucial to her being successful in the city. No kids, no hubby, socialable as heck, hard working, doesn't let anyone or anything get in her way and probably happy until the end with what she's got. Smart and decided in the face of all the unncertainty and hurtful nature of life beyond the moment. Everyone reading this has been broken by life in one way or another, it is just that some of us are more broken than others.

Maxed out at 10 machines, no more no less. Toujours a 10 machines, pas moins pas plus. Une règle suivi gueri de tout. A rule respected can cure anything.

A philosophy of doing shall rule til the days when I can no longer "do" arrive. Because when I am too old to wipe my own ass, adjust an AX relay or relieve a woman from sighing, there will be only memories to fill my time. So, the task at hand is to build a RRSP of memories, come hell or calm tides.

Intent focus, living in the moment and generally keeping too busy to think too far ahead is working for me for now with respect to daily life.I can only distract myself and fool my brain for so long using this methodology however. The brain knows what I am up to, and will demand it's time soon.The big plans and the long term strategy is forming more slowly than in the past using this methodology of the moment. The last few big projects are taking shape mentally.What projects to pursue, what time can be committed to them and what they ultimately will be is what the brain is screaming for when it comes searching for the answers soon enough.

I am living in the aforesaid moment and the body is telling the brain to basically chill. I keep busy in those evenings with the next set of tasks, and evenings are not for the above mentioned distractions. No time for that. Too much to get done.At my wife's insistence, I went to the doctor for my first physical in 7-8 years or so; so since I entered this hobby. Resting heart rate is around 62-64 bpm with blood pressure of 112 over 72. All better than 30 years ago when I entered adulthood.

So for now, the body is playing the daily grind making the brain wait it's turn before adding grandiose dreams to muddy the waters any further.I am getting a good handle on where I am and what has been done being busy for the last (almost) 5 decades and what the plans will be for the next 2.5 decades of projects.

I plan on hanging around for at least another full half century, but have decided that those last 25 years before reaching 100 are for the reflection and writing that will be required to tell the first 75 years of the tale.More soon. Cheers. Salut. Go "team body" for a while yet to keep that brain at bay a bit longer...