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Thursday, October 23, 2014

SPECIAL REPORT: West Midlands Butterfly Denies Causing Hurricane

A
butterfly from the Black Country has angrily denied being the cause of
Hurricane Gonzalo, the tail end of which battered much of the UK this
week.

This all came after meteorologists, using cutting-edge computer
modelling, traced the origins of the hurricane back to the single flap
of a butterfly’s wings three weeks last Tuesday in a field outside
Walsall.

‘It was mental,’ said Red Admiral Roger Bould. ‘I was just fluttering
about, as you do, when these boffins turn up and say that I set off a
chain of events that caused devastation from Bermuda to Grimsby'.

'Next
thing I know, Sky News are reversing their outside broadcast lorries
into the field and I’m being accused of everything from hurricanes and
typhoons to the next James Blunt album. What am I meant to do, sit
watching Channel 4 racing all afternoon and not flapping my wings just
in case things go abdomen-up in Australia?’

Bould is actually no stranger to controversy. In April, a Wednesbury
housewife had accused him of being a ‘very hungry caterpillar’ who over
the course of a single week infiltrated her house then ate one apple,
two pears, three plums, four strawberries, five oranges, one piece of
chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss
cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one
sausage, one cupcake and one watermelon before being sick over her
collection of pottery ducks. He categorically denied the charge and was
released after she failed to pick him out of an identity parade.

After news of the story spread, an angry mob descended upon the
meadow where Bould and his family lived. He alleges that a big crowd
chased him up and down the field screaming that it was my fault their
garage roofs had blown off and that their insurance premiums would be
going up.

‘I didn’t feel safe until that Kate Humble turned up and pointed out
that I wouldn’t be around much longer anyway,’ said Bould. ‘Apparently
I’m toast come the first cold snap. I can’t say that cheered me up any
but she does have a lovely manner. I know I’m a butterfly and everything
but I would, know what I mean?’