Sunday, November 11, 2012

Nitin Gadkari flunks his I.Q. test.....

Happy Dhanteras, Blogdosts! May Goddess Lakshmi step into your home tonight, and never leave...

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This appeared in the Sunday Times today....

Nitin Gadkari
flunks his I.Q. test…

I was having my usual Sunday morning chat
with Dawood Mamu,while he was enjoying a spa treatment in Dubai. He sounded
rather annoyed. And when Dawood Mamu gets annoyed ,as we well know by now,
hotels and stations blow up in Mumbai. Sensing the dangerous mood, I tried to
divert his attention by discussing the latest James Bond movie. Had he watched
‘Skyfall’ and ordered a couple of Komodo Lizards for himself? Just to break the
monotony of crushing bones manually? He was not amused. He witheringly reminded
me that all those absurdly exaggerated 007 feats were nothing but amateurish screen acts. Real men didn’t go for such childish stunts.
Or high tech special effects. Real men did what real men had to – 26/11 ki yaad
hai? Besides… he was now a changed man concentrating on giving back to society.
Oh dear! That sounded ominous.And seemed even more menacing than his
old, wonderful plots to fix those he didn’t particularly like. With ‘that date’
round the corner, this was not the time to jest with Dawood Mamu. So, I
switched gears and asked in my sweetest tone why he was upset. And I could hear
my friend instruct the masseur to stop pummeling his strained neck muscles
while he bellowed, “Who is this man I am being compared to by that chap Nitin
bhai?” I said, “ Please don’t refer to our highly respected leader as a ‘Bhai’.
Nitin Gadkari is loved and admired by millions of people in India. And the
rest, don’t count. The person he compared your good self to, is Vivekananda.
Often referred to as Swami Vivekanand.” Dawood Mamu paused momentarily before
demanding, “ Uska mobile number de do… woh.. woh…Viveka… jo kuch bhi hai. I
want to talk to him. Is he an actor or a cricketer?” I hesitated before
clarifying, he was neither an actor, nor a cricketer. And it was not possible
to pass on his mobile number. Dawood Mamu roared and refused to let me carry on . “
Everything is possible! Samjhi? I am
giving you an hour. Swamiji ka number dhoondo… varna.”

When we resumed our interrupted chat a
little later, he seemed calmer. He said
he had found out from his khaas sources why he couldn’t reach Vivekananda. But
was now keen to have a small tete –a- tete with Nitin Bhai ( he was still
calling him ‘Bhai’). For starters, he wanted to know what the meaning of I.Q.
was, and whether the initials were a code for something highly confidential
only known to our agencies but not to the ISI. “ I.Q. ka matlab?” I attempted
to decode the initials. But Dawood was on his own trip. “ I want to meet this
man who is comparing me to some dead Indian person, I am not aware of. My izzat
is damaged. I only know and care about Bollywood stars and Cricket khiladis.
This comparison is not good. Mera bahut bada insult ho gaya hai. And when
someone insults me so directly, I have to react equally directly. Give me Nitin
Bhai’s mobile number.” I mentioned it was Diwali in India. And Nitin Gadkari
was not available… he was busy defusing several bombs. As were most of his
colleagues, regardless of the party they belonged to. Dawood Mamu offered to
send a few specially created bombs across the border. It was his contribution,
he said, to make sure there were enough fireworks during this season. But he
still wanted a private chat with the heavyweight who had dared to make such an odious
comparison. “Today, it is some Indian saint…. tomorrow it could be Gandhi. Not
the bachcha. But the Mahatma. This has created a problem for me with my friends and
allies across the world. My position becomes dheela with such talk.I want to
explain that to your Nitin Bhai… before it’s too late. For him, I mean.”

I tried to tell Dawood Mamu that in India we
don’t spoil anybody’s happiness during the Festival of Lights by bringing up
unpleasant topics. Gadkariji has clarified and the matter of his own I.Q. has
been settled. But, if Dawood Mamu was interested, I could set up phone calls
with Nitinji’s core team of advisers, consultants and business associates, like
his driver, cook, car washer, dhobi, barber, peon. When Dawood Mamu laughed, I
told him to relax. This was no joke. He could verify for himself. We respect
share holders and company directors in India. And only a person with a
staggeringly high I.Q. would make such inspired appointments of and create
companies for those he admires and trusts – like his personal staff. Dawood
Mamu was not entirely convinced. “Ask your Nitin Bhai to meet me in Dubai. I’ll
give him a Diwali tofaa he won’t forget. And just by the way… who is this chap
called Kejriwal? Assange ka brother hai,
kya? Why does he whistle so much??? Do you have his mobile number?”

20 comments:

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