Archive for the Maxim Category

I love that a geeky weird 17 year old kid who looks like he’s making a personal computer in his garage in 1982 can land a date with a Maxim Model and we can’t.

All it takes is a little drive and a little geeky weird 17 year old dancing like an asshole so that all the idiots around the itnernet watch the shit and think it is the funniest thing ever because they have the minds of retarded mice, if you know what I mean…

But no matter how basic an idea this is, you gotta give dude props, cuz despite lookin’ real non threatening, I hear he has an elaborate plan to rape and murder the bitch so she can never leave him.

I haven’t seen Kayley Cuoco on the scene since she killed John Ritter on set of 8 Simple Rules. I guess she’s making a comeback in the form of posing slutty for Maxim while it slowly sinks into the sea of failed magazine, while trying to latch onto any almost celebrity they can to grace their pages before they fully close-up shop….

This is unfortunate. The only good thing about this is that it may be the nail in the coffin Maxim needs to be finally buried. Seriously, getting Stephanie Pratt, a serious nobody’s sister to do a photoshoot, is some seriously fucking hanging on for dear life situation, because they either can’t afford or are too irrelevant to get real celebrities…..

The other unfortunate thing in all this is that it’s just pushing this twat farther away from her serious destiny of being a stripper, now she’s thinks she has the Maxim stamp of approval to legitimize her career, because in her retard mind, Maxim is stil relevant….

The real unfortunate thing in all this is that this in my second Stephanie Pratt post today….and that’s too much converage and it goes againt my goal for her, which is to murder her brother and sister in law for publicity, which won’t happen, if people are giving it to her for free….

I wonder if Spencer Pratt jerks off to these because she’s the female version of him, or if he still just jerks off to pictures of himself….yes, Spencer Pratt masturbation habits is something I ponder often….

Let’s hope that she falls asleep with a lit cigarette in her mouth when sleeping in a log cabin with her brother and sister in law on vacation….since she’s too pussy to kill them herself…

I am not posting this because I find her hot. I am posting this to plant the seed in her head that getting rid of her brother will really open up the gates on her career….she’ll really take off….

I don’t know what is more impressive, that Maxim Magazine still exists even though the internet has everything you need, or that Olivia Munn hasn’t been replaced with a younger hotter girl, but I know what happened and why people care about her and that thing is called “VIRGINS”. She tapped into the most loyal market around, the Geeks. She put on a performance and created a persona all the geeks would think make her the ultimate chick and because they are geeks their obsessive compulsion and neurocies force them to have a crush on her forever, or until they become really rich and get the opportunity to meet her, thinking she’ll totally fall for them, because all these years the Geek’s been playing this moment over and over in his head and thinks they are soulmates as Geeks tend to do. It is actually the reason they used their Geek powers to make enough money to get in with her and impress her, because everyone knows you need more money than the chick you are trying to score,only to be forced to realize that she’s all fucking bullshit and that you’ve been played to advance her career son.

As for Maxim, I think this spread proves they are going for the table scraps. It all went down hill after they did an article on me 2 years ago, so in a lot of ways I like to think I brought down that men’s empire single fucking handedly and that it is only a matter of time before the whole thing fucking collapses….

I watched Twilight the other day to try to understand the hype. My plan didn’t work out because all I saw was a bullshit, obvious, cliche love story that I guess teenage girls are too stupid to not buy into it. I ended up falling asleep a few minutes into the shit, but I made it til an Ashley Greene part and she is handsdown the best thing to happen to Twilight. Not that that is saying much. It would have been nice if she replaced the ugly one as a main character, but then teenage girls everywhere wouldn’t have bought into the whole thing, because they can relate to an ugly chick far easier than related to a hot one. None of that really matters. What does matter is that she did Maxim in some little shorts and I figured that makes this video worth watching at least a lot more worthy of watching than the New Moon shit they’ve sold millions of dollars in tickets for before shit hits theaters tonight….which on a sidenote will be a great place to be standing drunk around 2 am to hustle horny teenage girls walking out of the theater who’s panties are soaked thru from the movie they just watched….

Aubry O’Day is a bottom feeding whore, so there’s nothing really exciting about these pictures, the truth is that I can’t stand this cunt because she tried to sue me for posting pictures of her stupid fake tits, like she didn’t get her stupid fake tits to get attention or to show the fuck off and make fucking money, so I’m not sure why I’m posting these pics of her in Maxim, but I will tell you I am having an internal struggle about it.

Audrina may be a fucking idiot with fake tits who I can’t stand because she is on The Hills, who for the most part isn’t as hot as she is hyped up to be, but she’s got a pretty good body, especially after it’s been photoshopped to shit. I guess the real shocker about this bitch is that she didn’t end up in porn or stripping, something her fake tits at a young age would make you think was part of the plan, but instead ended up on mainstream TV. I guess her dad knows people who know people or some shit, because she’s really made for taking 3 dicks at a time, but then again as far as I am concerned, every girl is made for 3 dicks at a time, I guess it’s gotta do with some tribal evolutionary shit from happened in pre-historic tribes, but they especially look ready for 3 dicks at a time while whoring out with some strawberries and appliances half-naked in a photoshoot. The other shocker is that Maxim is still in business.

Milla Jovovich just had a kid and this is the ass her husband probably should pulled out to cum all over, instead he got too ambitious and kept shit internal, leading him to a lifelong commitment to this bitch, even after they have a miserable divorce because he got caught fucking a younger and hotter actress.

She was in Maxim, trying to hold onto her youth, like she’s was still just a bright eyed girl on a cattle car escaping communist Russia with some guy she’d called her uncle, who financed the journy by letting men pay to touch her vagina.

Hilary Duff did Maxim and who really gives a shit. I am just surprised that Maxim is still around and that people buy that shit, not only because magazines are pretty fucking obsolete and kill trees, you fucking hippies, but because shit’s more repetitive than me, it’s like every issue is a repeat of the last issue and despite finding comfort in things we know and trust, it’s still boring and a waste of fucking time. Sure, I pull that shit out in magazine stands, just to see if maybe they’ve updated their format, or to see if they’ve finally bit the bullet and gone porn, but they just always let me the fuck down, including these pictures of Hilary Duff, would it be too much to ask to see a photoshoot with a skate to her neck and a hockey sick in her ass, while her boyfriend and the rest of his team suck each other off like they do in the locker room after they won a big fucking game, because it’s not gay to suck off your teammate if a teen starlet is in the corner fucking the equipment, like she does it in the bedroom at home? Step it the fuck up Maxim.

Audrina may be useless, but she still got to get into a bikini for Maxim and not look entirely bad doing it.

Sure she has a weird face and is dumber than shit, but like all Sex Dolls all you need to do is to replace her head with a new one when you save up enough money to buy the better quality one, we get it, you’re on a budget, there’s an economic crisis going on and you don’t have a job so when you had to decide whether to go with the fat body or the busted face you went with the busted face and I think you made the right choice, because you don’t fuck the face, and you can always upgrade the head. Sure she came more defective than you thought, like how my family bought a Thanksgiving Turkey that had no legs, because the second rate, cripple turkeys are cheap as hell and still fuckin’ turkey and that’s better than last year’s baked beans. If you get what I am saying….

So one day soon, after the economic crisis blows over, it won’t be as much of a struggle to believe she’s actually a real person when you attach a string to its mouth to make it look like it’s talking about politics and the economy and like it’s not actually retarded despite looking retarded, while you have one hand manning the string and the other on the big fake tit getting primed for a nice night together, with the curtains drawn, because your mom’s out on a date. You just have to wait it out and deal with the shit, before getting the gold….

Autumn Reeser was on The O.C. She played someone named Taylor. I used to watch the OC because I had a shitty TV that got that channel for free using a shitty antenna that I made out of a coat hanger I was saving to use on my wife if ever she got pregnant before realizing I didn’t need it anymore because I found out I had fertility issues. I was also going to a college bar every thursday because it was 2 dollar beers at a time when I could afford to get wasted with college kids on 2 dollar beers.. It turned out that the first couple of weeks were awkward, because the girls just saw an old, messy, drunk guy raining on their parade like Lil Wayne Rain’s on the Hoes, all because I didn’t have anything to talk about with them other than their hot perky college tits in hopes of getting invited back to their dorms to watch them experiment with sex and drugs like the shit I’ve read / seen college girls do on the internet. I realized that watching the OC, that aired earlier that night, was a key “in” because they all watched it earlier that night and were hooked and would get excited when shit was brought up, leading to me being accepted in their circle so I made a point of staying on top of the shit and never got to watch them experiment with sex and drugs, but didn’t get beat up by asshole jocks when asking their girl’s dirty questions because I was in. Either way, I don’t remember this girl on the show, must have been after my time, but I do remember Rachel Bilson…..

Speaking of Rachel Bilson, I messaged some random girl on Facebook who’s last name was Bilson and this was our conversation…..

Jesus Martinez
with a name like Bilson, you should be related to Rachel Bilson, otherwise you should change your name, because there’s no real point in having it…..

Rachel Bilson’s Cousin
i am related to her….

Jesus Martinez
are you her second cousin? cuz if you are you can gay marry her.

Rachel Bilson’s Cousin
haha
she is my cousin

Jesus Martinez
Have you ever seen her naked?

Jesus Martinez
You know even as little kids playing in the lake or having bath’s togehter?

Jesus Martinez
What are the chances of you getting me a couple nude pics of her?

Jesus Martinez
Not very likely right?

Jesus Martinez
Like I shouldn’t start writing up a post announcing I have exclusive pics of her right?

Jesus Martinez
There must be something she did to piss you off over the years, maybe you resent her success and wish you were the star in the family….

Jesus Martinez
wouldn’t this be the best way to give her what she deserves….

Jesus Martinez
I guess you’re not into the idea…..

Jesus Martinez
Hello?

That’s when I gave up, I guess we’re no longer friends and that short moment we spent together on the internet, that made me one person away from Rachel Bilson, is one I will hold close to my heart forever.

Here’s Automn Reeser and her Firey hair that her literal parents named her after in her bikini for Maxim, even though it’s my second Maxim post of the day and fuckers aren’t even paying me for this shit, but I am hoping I encourage people to not buy any of their magazines because you can find all the goods here instead of there., it is my attempt to ruin them because I just resent everyone who makes more money than me, which is pretty much everyone.

Here’s a creepy video called Taylor and Ryan – Forever Love – That Made me Laugh….Because Someone Was Creepy/Lame Enough to Waste Their TIme Doing This….

Here’s Anna Kournikova, one of the better things that has come out of the Soviet since the Cold War. Sometimes I feel like I live in a communist Russia. I have a shitty one room apartment that is more dingy than my whore wife’s period panties that were once white and now, 6 years later, are a weird blue color. I have rationed bread and toilet paper because my wife beats me to the shit, and we don’t have money to buy more. I have no spending money and last week, my wife makes me wear grey prison uniform when I am in the house because I had no clothes and she found it at the vintage store and thought it would be funny.

Today I went to make myself some instant coffee because I am poor and spent 2 weeks worth of spending money last night alone and can’t afford my Starbucks now that my free hook-up decided to move up the corporate ladder and took a job over at a Subway. As I was pouring the boiling water in a glass cup because we don’t have coffee mugs, not even the paper ones I stole from the AA meeting I forgot to write about last week, that turned out to be a depressing party, and the fucking thing just exploded in my hand, like I can’t even make a fucking coffee without God trying to kill me with broken glass and boiling water….

I don’t really know where I am going with this, but here are some pics of Anna Kournikova lookin’ hot in Maxim.

Brooke Hogan brought her muscles to Maxim for this boring photoshoot. I can only assume that Hulk paid them to give her the press for her birthday or that Maxim are slowly going bankrupt because no one buys magazines and are taking what they can get.

Her dad showed up on the set of the shoot to make sure she doesn’t show off too much skin, apparetly he’s like a jealous boyfriend who doesn’t want other men to appreciate the luscious curves he’s been appreciating since she hit puberty. I remember a dude I knew who would go nuts when his chick tanned topless in front of me, he thought it was the end of the fucking world that I knew what her tits looked like and that if I wanted to, I could jerk off to them knowing exactly what he was playing with everynight. I feel like this Hulk control issues stem from the same evil green monster.

Elisha Cuthbert did Maxim and looks good but I pretty much have no interest in this Cuthbert. She’s from Montreal but has denounced Montreal, which I totally understand but since she thinks she’s too good for the city, whenever she comes back to visit her family who still lives here she acts like she’s god’s gift to the city, like she’s the biggest export that everyone should acknowledge when all she’s really done is one stupid teen move and a job on 24 which to me is substantially less successful than other Montreal exports like Celine Dion that bitch is my hero.

What I was trying to do was reach out to her sister because I heard she was worth fucking and more accessible since she’s trying to break free from her sister’s shadow. Girls her feel less relevant than their sisters are always willing to suck dick because they feel they deserve the attention. I once knew these sisters who were both pretty slutty, but the one who killed herself was the one who wasn’t molested by her father. She always felt like a second rate citizen to her sister who was obviously more desirable, at least in her mind because their dad chose her and that left some serious emotional trauma. I like the think that the Cuthbert sister is up on the same shit, but instead of their dad choosing Elisha, the rest of the world has and that’s some pretty serious shit to try to live up to and that’s why I am willing to hold her hand through the hard times.

This is a Maxim Hometown Hottie winner from 2004 named Brittany Lee doing some “modeling” work for Hustler Lingerie and by modeling work I mean showing off her retarded fake tits for their photoshoot because every other stripper was too busy giving lap dances to make the appearance and none of the other strippers have the prestigious Maxim Hometown Hottie title to go with their fake tits, so Brittany Lee was pretty much the only choice.

I always made fun of the Maxim Hometown Hottie contest, not because I think Maxim is a piece of shit magazine, but because the girls in in are pieces of shit. I think all these hometown hottie girls grew up with dreams about being a Maxim covergirl as they jealously watched their boyfriend’s flip the pages of Maxim. Then one day, they noticed that Maxim offers everyday hot chicks the chance to be in the magazine and they get all excited with the hope that they will make it into the shit, it will be their big break and important people will find them and offer them work. They will be famous and they’ll get half naked to make the world see just how great they are.

What you end up having is a bunch of attention craving sluts going up against each other to win the championship of attention craving sluts delusional about how important to the world they are and convinced it will lead to bigger things.

I guess that concept is pretty genius on Maxim’s part and deserves a high five for finding willing, free and slutty half naked girls to feature, but unfortunately for the girls, the second the issue comes out, everyone forgets who they are because no one remembers a slut’s name, they just aren’t that important, but if their tits are big enough they can land classy work modeling Hustler Lingerie. I guess the next step for this Brittany Lee bitch’s career is the Heidi Montag Heidiwood catalog…or the gutter..which ever comes first.