I met the girl of my dreams at a dinner party last week. I had to have her. So I cast a spell, lighting a bowl of onions, ammonia and diesel fuel.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

* One-legged bike messenger Dexter Benjamin went on trial in Manhattan after allegedly punching 300-pound transsexual Miarosa Gambino on a train and calling her a “faggot.” Hey, some people would consider that courtship.

LOVE HURTS

* Right outta San Antonio: A 20-year-old woman wanted to get her beau back, so she visits this healer, who burns a bowl containing cologne, onions and the beau’s photo. The bowl ignites and flames shoot out, leaving the lovesick gal with second- and third-degree burns on her face and chest. Look out, whoever you are: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorched.

JOHNNY ROTTEN

* Professor Francis Flynn, of the Columbia Business School, is being sued by numerous eateries because of a bizarre research project. Last August, Flynn allegedly fired off more than 200 letters informing some the city’s fine-dining establishments that they served up food poisoning on his wedding anniversary. “Our special romantic evening became reduced to my wife watching me curl up in a fetal position on the tiled floor of our bathroom between rounds of throwing up,” he supposedly noted. So six restaurants whipped up a special treat: a $100 million lawsuit. Gratuity not included.

AN OLD DOG NAMED INDIANA

* Steven Spielberg will pair up with a haggard Harrison Ford for another Indiana Jones movie, the Oscar-winning director told FoxNews.com. “We have a title, but we’re not ready to announce it,” Spielberg said. Folks, you read the title here first: “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Prunes.”

WHEN IN ROAM

* Cell company Vertu brings you the latest in mobile luxury: a $21,000 gold-plated phone. The horn of plenty debuted last week in France, the place which also produced such successes like the modern mime and Waterloo.