…a boomer muses about life, change, joys, sorrows and freedom from the prison of corporate life.

Yearning For Normal

Here’s how it goes. I wake up at about 4:15 a.m. and for a few moments, just stay still, luxuriating in the cool breezes coming in my open bedroom windows. And then I open my eyes, glance toward the television on the chest of drawers at the end of the room and see everything…double. Again. And a little something dies inside me each time.

The endocrinologist I saw gave me powerful steroid pills which he estimated should clear up the double vision by the end of two weeks. That was last Thursday. And everything is the same. He did add that if the medicine didn’t work, then I’d probably have to have surgery on my eye muscles. But he felt pretty confident it would work. It hasn’t.

So the question that still haunts me is – could the medicine still work? This double vision thing is a rarer complication of Grave’s Disease and the doctor’s nurse told me I was their only patient who has it. So maybe when the doctor said two weeks, it wasn’t based on certainty, but rather a ballpark estimate. This is the theory I would rather believe, in order to keep my little flame of hope burning. After all, I’m sure there was no way my eye muscles could have known that Thursday was their deadline to shape up and fly right. There’s no little calendar back there behind my eyeballs. Maybe little by little the medicine is indeed diminishing the inflammation but it will take longer than two weeks to undo the damage. Like three weeks. Or (God help me!) four.

And when (or if) it happens, I probably won’t wake up like Snow White after the Prince kissed her and be miraculously cured. I’m thinking the change will come in tiny, almost imperceptible increments. That is, IF there is a chance this medicine could still work.

I don’t mean to sound like some self-absorbed whiner. I’m perfectly aware that there are millions of people worse off than I am. And I pray for them every day and if I could help them, I would. But I don’t seem able to even help myself. That’s the problem. This thing is totally out of my hands.

Unless it happens to you, you can’t imagine what a burden it is to keep seeing two of everything. Driving with one side of my sunglasses blacked out is horrible and I have to be ultra-vigilant to make sure I’m seeing everything I need to. I can’t even relax when watching TV. I keep trying to find that elusive angle at which to hold my head so that I don’t see two screens. My eyes are everything to me and to fight this battle every single day is so exhausting. I try not to give in to tears, but sometimes I just can’t help it. And, if it doesn’t go away… Well, lets just not go there right now, shall we?

Today marks the ninth week of this nightmare. I’ve lost weight and some afternoons I feel so tired that I could just drop. Right now, if I was given one wish, I wouldn’t choose to win the lottery or be famous or even to find true love.

I’d just choose to be normal again.

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5 Responses

I wish for that for you too, Star. I think you’re being so brave. Don’t worry, no one thinks you’re a whiner, you’d have to have a heart of stone to think something so negative about such a sweet person as you.
This is me adding your wish to my wishlist. Hey, one more can’t hurt, right?
best,
Jenn

There are a lot of us out here praying for you. You are right to not expect an over-night miracle. Hopefully very soon you will begin to see some improvement in your eyesight. It makes me realize how much I take for granted good eyesight and how much easier and content life is with good vision. Please try to “let go and let God.”

Just Me – You’re right, it’s so easy to take good eyesight for granted! My present condition is making even the simplest things harder than they should be. We use our eyes for everything! I sincerely thank you for your prayers. Maybe they will work where the medicine hasn’t. And yes, I’m trying VERY hard to “let go and let God.” Thanks for you support.

Star
Sorry to hear that you’re being so plagued. I can only imagine what that must be like. Keep your head high, your chin up and your spirits with both and maybe you’ll draw to you all the positive energy that’s being sent your way.