Joaquin Phoenix Announces Engagement to Yoga Teacher Who ‘Harnessed His Hog’* (*None of This Is Actually True)

Move over Alec Baldwin. Joaquin Phoenix is engaged to a yoga instructor, and we’re sorry to everyone reading this, it’s probably not you. The enigmatic and talented actor, on a recent visit to the “Late Show with David Letterman,” gave a very animated retelling of the tale of how he met his yoga teacher and future wife. They hit it off and he thinks “she’s the one.”*

Phoenix started practicing yoga to recover from an injury, so we gather, and after some breathing exercises his teacher put him in a very kinky sounding “harness the hog” position, which he generously demonstrated for everyone on the floor of the Ed Sullivan Theatre.

“She’s pulling and thrusting,” he recalled of the teacher who tugged at his “emotional back pain” and his heart apparently.*

“This is the crazy part of the story. We started dating,” he said. “I think she’s the one and I proposed to her, and she said yes.”*

If you’ve made it this far you might have noticed all the asterisks in the aforementioned story. Yeah, that’s because we’ve been fooled…Phoenix the Foiler has struck once again! In other words, he totally made it all up. We are all just imaginary pawns in a Joaquin Phoenix-framed world.

After the Letterman interview, Phoenix told “Good Morning America” the engagement was made up so people would like him, because his life’s “so boring” and people like talking about weddings.

“I think my life’s so boring, and it seemed like something exciting to talk about, and I wanted the audience to like me,” he said on GMA. “They really like people getting married.”

People like talking about yoga an awful lot lately, too. We see what you did there, Joaquin. But if you really wanted to Andy Kaufman us you should have said you were giving up acting to become a yoga teacher. You’d make a great Kumare 2.0.