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November 26, 2010

Well the day after Thanksgiving, and I have done my "thanks", so today I decided to figure out my bucket list. I know I'm only 24, but this is mainly a list of things I want to do before I die or get to old. I also sometimes worry that with all my health problems I wont make it till the next month, which is frightening. So I'm bucking up, and writing the list of things I want to do before I die, or just in my life to grow as a person. My Bucket List
1. Run a marathon
2. Go Skydiving (went over North Shore HI) September 20103. Go Kayaking
4. Learn to play golf
5. Learn to ski
6. Learn to water ski
7. Learn to surf & Catch a wave
8. Learn conversational Spanish.
9. Learn sign language
10. Learn to speak fluent French and or Italian
11. Learn to play the guitar
12. Learn to salsa
13. Go scuba diving and get certification
14. Go Snorkeling (Bonaire 2008)
15. Go white water rafting
16. Go to a shooting range
17. Go Jet Skiing ( December 2006, 2007, 2008)
18. Go on a Cruise (December 2006, 2007, 2008)

19. Ride a Motorcycle
20. Learn to Fish
21. Learn to snowboard (January 9, 2011)
22. Go to Australia
23. Go to New Zealand
24. Visit Paris
25. See The Eiffel Tower (@ night)
26. Visit Spain
27. National Cherry Blossom Festival, Washington, DC
28. Oktoberfest, Munich, Germany
29. Mardi Gras, New Orleans
30. See the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco
31. Go to the Pike Place Market in Seattle 32. See Mount Rushmore
33. See the Empire State Building
34. Climb up the Statue of Liberty
35. Go to Universal Studios, Hollywood, CA
36. Visit Waikiki Beach, Oahu, Hawaii(September 2010)
37. Visit Disney World
38. Get married (December 8, 2009) 39. Have 2-3 children
40. Purchase an SUV (Tahoe!)
41. Go to Bora Bora
42. Visit Antigua
43. Visit Barbados
44. Visit Dominica
45. Visit Grenada
46. Visit St. Maarten
47. Visit St. Thomas
48. Take up astronomy
49. Learn to Garden (and keep plants alive)
50. Graduate with a Bachelors in Business
51. Learn calligraphy
52. Learn to scrapbook
53. Learn to make quilts
54. Make a list of 100 books and read them all
55. Make a list of 100 movies and watch them all
56. Have a happiness project
57. Release negative emotions and limiting beliefs.
58. Allow yourself to make mistakes.
59. Discover your life’s purpose.
60. Learn not to take what others do or say personally.
61. Figure out your priorities.
62. Learn to act within your sphere of influence and stop worrying about things which are not within your control.
63. Become an early riser.
64. Get an MBA
65. Make a difference in at least one person’s life. We got an angel from the tree at Church during Christmas and bought the stuff the child needed 12/2010
66. Build a Habitat for Humanity Home
67. Join a Big Brother, Big Sister Program.
68. Volunteer at a Homeless Shelter.
69. Donate blood.
70. Donate clothes you no longer use to a battered women’s shelter. I found the same one (by accident) my mom donates to. 12/2010
71. Donate children’s books to a hospital near your home
72. Spend a week at a 5-star spa
73. Be recognized as an authority in your field.
74. Start a blog (Now I just need followers)
75. Become financially literate.
76. Create a financial strategy.
77. Break it down and be organized
78. Adopt a child
79. Create a home with an inviting, joyous, comfortable, loving atmosphere.
80. Write a letter to each of your children telling them what you want them to know about your life and the lessons you’ve learned.
81. Swim with dolphins
82. Go whale-watching
83. Find inner peace
84. Learn to forgive
85. Do all the lessons in “A Course in Miracles” 86. Heal your past
87. Learn to live in the now
88. Take up yoga
89. Learn to meditate.
90. Go to the Super Bowl
91. Go to a College Football game (Auburn vs. Clemson 2010)
92. See the Radio City Christmas Spectacular
93. Go to Times Square on New Year’s Eve
94. Learn to ride a motorcycle
95. Go wine tasting
96. Weigh 130 pounds
97. Get closure on all your hurt, grievances and unhappiness of the past
98. Explore your Spiritual beliefs
99. Be physically fit & healthy
100. Be debt free!

November 25, 2010

Last night I had a horrible night with neck and back pain, I was up all night and finally fell asleep after taking another sleeping pill at 2 am, along with 2 pain pills and a muscle relaxer. I had my heating pad in bed with me, and my husband completely passed out (as usual) but I am slowly getting used to the fact he sleeps A LOT but works hard so he deserves it. After waking up this morning still in pain we decided to skip out on the lunches and dinners we were invited to and just do a Thanksgiving alone. Last post I gave thanks to the most important people in my life. So here is my list of thanks again with other things I am so grateful for.
1. My husband
2. My family
3. My Army Family
4. My pets even though they are absolutely a hand-full
5. Having food on our table
6. Having a home to live in
7. Having technology that allows me to keep in touch with friends and family
8. Insurance
9. Being alive and making it through the health problems that I have had to deal with
10. Having the ability to gain strength from each problem or set back
11. Being loved and cared about from everyone.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone, to you and your family

November 23, 2010

Well I caved in, decided to do holiday cards this year. Were closing in on the end of the year, and well next month is my 1 year anniversary with my husband. I haven't said thank you to anyone so here is my Thanks for this Thanksgiving, and a long time coming necessary for a few people.
Within this year, we have grown so close and he has been there for me through everything. I am so thankful for the amazing people I have met here at Fort Benning. These woman are amazing, and they are what give me the strength to keep going. I have gained so much respect for Military Spouses this year, as I never knew how hard it was to be one. Other than order my cards off Shutterfly (easiest and cheapest thing ever!). I want to just thank a few people, who may or may not read this blog.
1. My husband- He has stood behind my side no matter how crazy his life was, he always got my mom to come when I needed her and has taken all matters into his hands when necessary. He stepped in when I needed help the most and put me on the right track to where I need to be.
2. Dana- She is one of the strongest spouses I know, shes an amazing friend. Weeks after knowing her, her and her husband were sitting with me in the middle of the night in the ER and she was changing bandages & ice for my disgusting burn's, then they took care of our (crazy) dogs, who probably nearly destroyed her house. She has seen me at my worst, and maybe not my best but, anyways, we had a falling out and now we are friends again. I am so lucky we are friends again because she is my rock and has always been there for me. If there is anything I learn from anyone, it's that friendship is something to cherish and I hope to be at least 1/2 the friend she is to me. She is honestly one of the most amazing people, and I am so grateful to have met her and her husband.
3. My Parents- In the last year, my mom has spend probably about a month and 1/2 out here, and has been here for me during the hardest time of my life. My dad and mom has believed in me, and have supported me in all my decisions whether good or bad. They threw an absolutely amazing wedding and have dealt with the stress of me planning a wedding across the Country.
4. The Other Military Spouses- I have met other amazing woman and they have been there for me when I needed a laugh, a night out, or someone to complain to then would flip me to positives. I am so grateful for this amazing family type bond with the Military wives, and am so lucky to have a support system. They have fed my husband and I when I was injured, and have kept me positive during my injuries, or hospitalizations. They are understanding, strong and dependable.
5. Amanda- She was my roommate at the Bradley Center Mental Hospital. Also a military spouse, she kept me as positive as I could be at this horrible place we hated. We bonded, became friends and I depended on her to keep my sane in this place I felt I didn't belong. She is such a strong person, and has put strength in me to get through this.
These people have impacted my life in so many positive ways, I am so lucky to have met these military spouses, my husband and to have my parents there for me. The strength I have is because of the support system I have behind me. I hope these people know how much I thank them for all they have done.
With all that said.. I am happy I decided to do holiday cards!

November 22, 2010

Well my house is officially full of animals. Since we are now watching my friends pets, its a full animal house. We have 1 cat, 2 dogs, @ 5 chinchillas. Thankfully they are in cages and calm.
So we have nothing planned for Thanksgiving. My biological mom sent us money to go out, or should I suck it up & make it turkey dinner for two? If I did make dinner for two, I would make a small turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing. And of course my husband and I would share a bottle of wine.
So today I am going to get my neck brace, which will be on for a month along with my restricted movement (which I perceive as bed rest). I also have to start and finish my 10 page business communication paper that is due in 3 days. And well on top of that paper I have about 6 others due within the week. SO being on bed rest gives me the time to get these papers done, but I can't find the energy or motivation to get them done.
My husband is home which is nice, he had duty last night so I didn't have him home for 24 hours, which sucked because of the amount of pain I was in. I know I should be used to him not being home, but I feel like there is something ALWAYS wrong with me health wise. I can't even begin to explain the amount of ER visits I have had, or surgeries.
I need to find the strength to be independent. I have been independent my entire life, and for some reason now that I know I have someone to fall on I can't find my independence anymore. I was working full time as well as going to school full time, but I quit my job because I hated the corporate office (and there horrible business ethics) but after being hospitalized for serve depression I have not been allowed to work so that's on hold & basically do nothing other than be on a bunch of medications (that don't work), and well I lost my independence. I don't bring anything to the table anymore, which kills me. I don't bring any money, energy, or love to the marriage.
I will find the strength to be an army wife, I will find my independence and I will get through it.

November 21, 2010

So its Sunday, and rumor has it--- today is supposed to be a day to relax. Well that's not the case in this household.
The husband has duty tonight so he won't be home till tomorrow.
Here is a wrap up of my past week.
Went to the physical therapist, to get the lovely news of my neck being unaligned. Meaning that a neck is supposed to have a curve in the upper spine, mine is dead straight. Causing all of my back spasms, and severe pain. And the result, one month in a neck brace with restricted movement (technically don't do anything with out the neck brace, and take it easy == bed rest).
Well fun fact, I have our BN ball on Dec. 4th, and my physical therapist and I were fighting if I could take it off for the ball.. His answer was NO.
Another fun fact, I was in a neck brace the week of my wedding, and in the ER 3 days before it because of a pinched nerve.
Anyways, my husband isn't home and won't be till later tomorrow. I have my friend dropping off her FIVE Chinchilla's that I will be watching until Dec. 8th (my one year anniversary with my husband).
So here's what our house will look like for the next 24 hours. 1 wife, 1 cat, 2 beagles, 5 Chinchilla's, NO husband and 8 papers to write (which are all due within the next week).
Talk about STRESSED. I lost all motivation from school and being this perfect wife, but I must gain it back! I need to get these papers done, I need to clean my house && I MUST put my marriage and relationship with my husband back together. I have been getting so mad at my husband for being so tired, but It's not his fault he works these nutty hours.
I'm sorry if this post is everywhere, but it's been awhile since I posted a real post, not like I even think anyone reads this but here is what will be going on this upcoming month.
1 wife in a neck brace for a month.
3 days of privates families, (Meet & Greet, Family Day & Graduation)
Any ideas for stress relief? I have successfully completed 1 1/2 seasons of Psych, and took about a zillion hot baths with my book & oil in the bath with candles. Shopping is out of the question because of NO money, since I'm not allowed to work (per the therapist). I am not a happy army wife. I am in severe pain & I'm exhausted. But I will make changes! I must make CHANGES!
I need to be a good wife, I need to control my stress & anxiety. I want to make my marriage to the most amazing man work. I can't let this pain get in my way of life. I will make the changes immediately and will continue to work on myself & my marriage.

November 19, 2010

1.If you had to be shipwrecked on a deserted island, but all your human needs – such as food and water – were taken care of, what two items would you want to have with you?

Hopefully (in a good way I would have my husband).. So I'm going to say a LARGE book, and sun screen (because I burn way to easily)

2.If you were a salad, what kind of dressing would you have?

Italian, because it's zesty :)

3.If you had to live on a ranch, what kind of animals would you raise/own?

Horses :) Because they are beautiful

4.If your life was was portrayed as a movie, who would you choose to play you and your significant other?

For me I would choose Maggie Gylanhall (1. because everyone say's I look like her, and 2 because shes spunky, relaxed and stays out of all of the tabloids). As for my husband I would choose Bradley Cooper, because hes dorky, cute & funny.

5.What was the last thing you put a stamp on (envelope, duh, but what was in the envelope)?
Bills (boo on that)

November 16, 2010

All meaningful and lasting change starts first in your imagination and then works its way out. Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein

Today was absolutely not a good day for me at my appointment for my new psychiatrist. To sum it up here's what she said " I only work certain hours, you won't be able to get a hold of me at any other hours, I do not work on call, and I am not a miracle worker, you might not be healed. She also felt like adding in that my health problems 'shouldn't be causing my depression or negative thought', hence she thought being in the hospital on a monthly basis oh & she doesn't believe in using medication to heal someone. She won't take me off my anti depressant that DOESN'T work, and she also doesn't want to change my anxiety medicine.
So after crying in her office for the only one hour appointment I will have with her, I left. Crying, pissed and couldn't stand her.

So my thoughts to her: screw her, she's pathetic and should NOT be practicing any type of mental health practice.

I want to be happy, I want to be on medication that WORKS, not 7 different pills that haven't done anything. It's absolutely irritating and upsetting. SO.. On that note:

Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.
Anthony Robbins

So today my husband went to try and get into Pathfinder school ( land navigation, and plotting for helicopters) and a bunch of other army Hooah stuff. He didn't get in, it was his 5th time trying. SO now, he is trying to get into the school in KY @ Ft. Campell, which is only a 3 week school. But it just so happens he will be missing our first wedding anniversary. It's the start of many ones alone, so I guess I should get used to it. More than likely he will miss next years to, he will probably deploy as soon as we PCS (were waiting to see if we got Carson, if not its Ft. Lewis Washington. I'm excited for both because that means we will finally get out of Alabama (where we own a home).. So we can rent it out to all the Ft. Knox Armor people moving over to Ft. Benning this upcoming year.

So I hope he gets into this school, he really wants to go.

As for me, well my therapist say's I still can't work. So I'm at home finishing up my semester of 5 classes of online school. (I have to wait for the GI Bill to finish being transferred to me), meaning I can't register for Spring Semester. We have no kids, just 3 animals. Some days at home are boring, others are OCD filled, and then the bad ones are of me laying in bed crying from my severe depression that NONE of my medications are working on. It's been hard for me, and my husband since I got back from the in patient mental hospital. (if you didn't read the post on that, it tells you everything). Anyways, I have therapy again today. I don't think it's working.

Other things going on in my life.. Dec. 4th is the ball, meaning my husband probably won't be here so I don't have to worry about that. Dec. 8th our 1 year anniversary. Thanksgiving, my husband and I have no where to go, so I will attempt to do something cute and sweet for my husband. (maybe try to cook?) Last time I tried cooking something new I caused a fire in our kitchen and ended up in the ER because I burned my hand horribly, which then ended us both in Augusta GA, 4 hours away for surgery on my hand.

Do I suck it up & try to make thanksgiving dinner for two? or do we order in pizza?
Opinions are encouraged!

1. Do you eat Sushi?
2. What kind of bath soap do you use?
3. How often do you talk to your Mom?
4. What TV shows do you watch on a regular basis?
5. Did you start Christmas shopping yet?

Answers:
1. I love sushi, but I refuse to eat it at or around our current duty station. (I'm not sure Alabama is a sushi type of state, and Georgia is more country style home cooking, sushi does NOT make it out here.

2. Currently I'm using Dove for sensitive skin, I absolutely love it.

3. Well right now my mom has been at my house for over a month, she will be going back home for Thanksgiving.. When she isn't here, which actually isn't often we talk about once a week.

4. TV shows on a regular basis :)
1. Criminal Minds
2. Army Wives
3. Kendra
4. Law & Order SVU
5. America's Most Wanted *that's my husbands show, but I take that time to snuggle when I know he'll be on the couch*
6.NCIS (The original and Los Angeles)

November 14, 2010

So it's been a few days since the whole in-law catastrophe. My husband feels locked in the middle of what is now a non existent relationship with his family. My mom's still here, were going on over a month now. She was here for the entire fight with his mom, her e-mails, and her negative influence on our relationship. Thankfully, the cycle is almost over, but my husband will be trying to get into Pathfinder school tomorrow meaning he will be training in the field and classroom for the next 3 weeks. As for me, I went to the walk-back the other night, which I have been pushing off for 2 cycles already. But I did it, took my mom and watched all the basic training privates walk back into the company and watch their "ceremony" of going from civilians to soldiers in the US Army. It's a cool event to watch, luckily this walk-back was at 8pm, the MOST normal hour in the past year for walk back. The previous walk backs have been at 3 or 4 am requiring the drill sgt wives staying up all night cooking for the Cadre these ridiculous meals for 20-25 drill sgt's, and other cadre for the company.

It's Sunday, so since this might be the last weekend I'll have my husband, if he gets into this school he will be studying intensely. So his job today, put up all of our pictures, wall art, and home decor. We've been in our house over a year, and we have yet to do any decorating other than the furniture that was here before I got here, and the unsuccessful painting of our room which lead to purple paint spots on our popcorn ceiling.

Basically today should be an easy day, our home projects are officially done (from the start of this post to now, we completed them). We have to stop by his office to pick up stuff on post for tomorrow. Hopefully we'll get time to relax and try to

November 13, 2010

So with all the drama going on with my in-laws.. *more like mother in law*, its been crazy at our house. Basically my mother in law thinks I'm degrading and ruining her family, and tearing her family a part. Well here's what I think about that nonsense.
1. If you can't say it to me, don't say it. It's rude, immature and stupid.
2. If your going to make shit up about the relationship we have, at least have a reason.
3. Don't email your son and be immature, and tell him to call when I'm not around. Lady listen, I'm his wife. I'm ALWAYS going to be around! NO I'm not stealing your damn son away from you. He's in the freaking ARMY, and WE ARE MARRIED. GET USED TO THE FACT I WILL BE AROUND FOREVER.
4. NO I never said you aren't welcome, but now to think of it. You are not welcome.
5. Our children will never be around you.
6. What you really don't know is that YOUR SON is the one who thinks you aren't proud of him, so get used to the fact he will be going to my family for guidance and love.
7. This drama bull shit will not be continuing.

MY HUSBAND CHOSE ME, HE TELLS ME EVERYTHING AND HE IS IN THE ARMY. HE DOESN'T NEED THIS DRAMA LET ALONE HIS FAMILY CAUSING IT.

I don't care anymore for trying to "fake a relationship". It's nonsense. We have our family, Thomas and I, my parents, my family & our army family that supports us.

Apparently, all of this is causing a " heart attack" on the other end, well here's the deal.

I am not fake, I will say it how it is. I don't care if I hurt you by choice of words. I went to get help for severe depression & I will not take this bull shit crap and let if effect my healing. My husband will be here for me, and that's how it is going to be. I come first now, tomorrow and the rest of our lives.

Now... Here's something to laugh at.. Two emails sent from his mother to him.
1.
We LOVE you so much. Remember to look to God for wisdom in whatever you do. God cares about all of us. Apparently we are no longer welcome in your home so I guess you will have to visit us here. You are always welcome forever. We are so proud of you, praying for the two of you daily and asking God's guidance in your life. Much Love, Your Father and Mother.

&

2. Guess what Thomas. We LOVE you! We think you are the best! You can let us and our friends know you love us by posting that on Facebook. Have a great day.

What I find funny is that this is my mother in law, how dare she try to ruin us and lie to him about stuff that was said. It's as simple as this.

We are married, and there's NOTHING that can change that. What she doesn't realize is that she is pushing her son further away, there's 2 reasons he joined the Army. 1) To get away from his mother
2) To protect our Country.

The best part is, she doesn't even think I don't read these e-mails.. Hello, we are married I have access to everything!..

I'm not bitching about well this immature drama & will now be focusing on what matters. My husband, our life, and the direction we want to go.. UP!.

Part of me doesn't even know if my husband and I could survive this bull shit, we aren't strong enough together. We have problems and they aren't being fixed. I don't know what to do anymore. Iv never had to deal with problems like this.

November 12, 2010

So, FTX is finally done and my husband is back at home sleeping in our bed, (which means I'm sleeping off the couch that I have been crashing out on). We just got back from the walk back (the whole event where the privates ruck march back 13 miles to a "ceremony" of entering into army and going from fuzzy civilian's to soldiers.
We get home and my husband and I start discussing my blog & his mom comes up. Apparently, she thinks I'm "ruining the family"/ "her family". Some how, me discussing my feelings and thoughts is degrading to her "precious christian lifestyle".
I don't think she understands this. This is MY blog, I am not making anyone read it. I will continue to blog about my feelings, and thoughts and will continue to put my husbands input in it. For whatever reasoning, whether it be the "Hawaiian shirt" comments or the "I will never be good enough" blog, I will continue to blog about what is on my mind.

So here we are 10:20 at night, I'm back in my husbands arms. I'm discussing the facts of never being good enough for them, or the reality of no visitation of his family allowed at our houses because of the tension between us. I don't believe fake people should be involved in our life, and yes I believe his family has been fake and disrespectful to me.

I love my husband & my husband and I will do what is necessary to live a stress free ( regarding family) life. I will continue to support my husband whether he is a Drill Sergeant, or just a soldier in the military here or deployed. I don't need the "fake" support, when I have the real support of my army family & my parents and my immediate family.

This is how it is now, and this is how it will go. I am not writing to "ruin relationships". I am simply writing because I have gone through hell and back and have has hit rock bottom. I am doing what I love, writing. I am expressing my opinion so others know they are not alone when they hit rock bottom as well.

I can do this & will & if you don't like what I write. Don't read it, or have the guts to comment back .

November 11, 2010

So, do you ever feel your not good enough for someone, and never will be?
Well I feel like that daily.

My mom's still in town, its been a month now. She has been here for me the entire way, through my rock bottom pill popping cutting catastrophe, where my husband was too much of a jerk to not deal with it on his own. And through my recovery days, of depressed but still content but frustrated moods. I'm not mad at my husband, but I still have some resent. I will feel that no matter what.
I remember during our wedding week, after I pinched my nerve and was in the hospital 3 days prior. This mess we had to deal with.
His family was hours late to our rehearsal because of tux problems, then they ALL wore Hawaiian shirts to our Rehearsal dinner. I remember being so drugged up for our wedding, crying to his sister saying "I'll never be good enough for your family". I cried to my husband after meeting his family, and I still feel that way.
I feel like he won't ever be good enough for his family, he fights for our country. No he didn't go to college or any other spiffy high education past high school. But he is a US ARMY SOLDIER fighting for our freedom, fighting for everyone to pursue their dreams.

He is my soldier, my husband and my hero. He is everything to my family and I and we couldn't be prouder of him. I only wish that our children have 1/2 the courage my husband has. I don't think people thank our soldier's enough, let alone the wife's that are behind them. I admire the wife's I know, who are behind their soldiers. It takes strong women to deal with the military life, and I am lucky to know so many amazing women.

This blog is me just rambling, but the point is this.

My Husband IS GOOD enough for our family, I am good enough for my husband and my family, and we are good enough for our family, the ARMY family, the Military Family. A military family wont turn their backs on you. They understand what is going on, and will step in if necessary.
Happy Veterans Day.. & Thank you to the amazing wives behind the soldiers.

So today is Veterans Day.
For some reason, people just think its a day they don't have to work.
But its more than that & people should know that.

Veterans is a day that let's us honor our soldiers for helping our nation.

According to the Department of Veterans' Affairs:

Veterans Day: A celebration to honor America's veterans for their patriotism, love of country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good.

I am so thankful for my husband & my grandfather for serving our Country and putting their courage, patriotism, and willingness to serve.
I thank all of our veterans, and their families to make them the soldiers they are today.
Behind every soldier there is a family, and military strong family that encourages their soldier and stands behind him/her through every step of the way. I thank the soldiers and their families for the strength each person brings.

Happy Veterans Day to all that have served, are serving or future soldiers that will be serving our Country.

November 10, 2010

So, I'm sitting here (in pain from actually making the move to do spin Class on Monday) ..... with my mom and no husband. My husband is out in the field for FTX with their privates, so he won't be here this week. Do I like this? Sort of, I feel like he doesn't understand the emotional state of mind I'm in. Yes I might not work, but I have anxiety galore, and I am overwhelmed with the dogs, cat, finances (which by the way are out of control), and the million of dr. appointments I have to go to. And on top of all this lovely daily life, I have to wake up with back pain w/ spasms, knee pain and joint paint. I usually have headaches daily, and did I mention all the pills I take for depression don't work and make me gain weight, causing me to not want to get out of bed. (that's where I stayed all day yesterday).
I'v been up since 5 am this morning, slept on the couch because I didn't even want to deal with my husband after his pathetic "I'm tired" excuse that he uses 24/7 when he works or doesn't work. I'm over it. He needs to buck up & understand there is more to life than the military. I am pretty independent, but my biggest pet peeve, is laziness and lack of motivation. Yes I am not motivated, because the amount of medication I'm on basically puts me in a coma through out the day of sleep. But I work my ass off in school, and try to pick up after my husband who may I add is careless of the chores. (But my mom still thinks hes a saint, and be nice because hes in the military and works all day). La di Da. all that and a bag of chips in my eyes.

Its Simple..

I appreciate my husband, and what he does for our Country. I understand he has a commitment to the Army, the United States and well temporarily a bunch of fuzzy privates that most of our husbands once were.
But here's where I fee like I'm alone on this..
He married me, he has a commitment to me, to help me when hes home and to help me get through my mental issues, emotional distress and physical pain. He is not deployed,so I expect for my husband to be here when he can to help me in our home, and with his animals. I find it exhausting that he thinks he can come home, throw his disgusting ACU's (and when I mean disgusting I seriously mean it) on our kitchen table, and drop his dirty clothes in the middle of our bedroom floor.

November 9, 2010

So I see so many people doing the I'm thankful November challenge. Now as much as I wish I would even be able to keep up with daily thanks, or daily blogs/ journals for that matter I wish I knew about it. But I just need it to be known, I am thankful for my friends, family, military family, my animals, and of course the technology today that allows us military wives connect with each-other, and even more our husbands across the country. I also must say, that I am thankful for God, and giving me the strength to get through my health problems, mental, physical and emotional.
I don't think the other military wives know how much I admire them and appreciate them. I admire that I'm sitting here at home with a husband, two dogs, a cat (and a temporary mommy to help) and I wake up stressed out, overwhelmed, and still frustrated that I am being told I can't work. It's ridiculous, I want to work. I want to make an income and help provide for my husband and I. It hurts so much that I cant, and I over think and completely over analyze the fact that I don't.
I admire my military wife friends, their husbands are gone just like mine, or deployed. They are stay at home moms, but on top of juggling the daily life they are completely in control of their life along with their kids. I can barely handle being just my husband and I. How are these incredible women functioning?! Let alone in control, and calm!
Ladies, just know I admire you all. I hope that one day I can be one of those strong women juggling my life with children, a husband and whatever else gets thrown my way. I don't think there is enough appreciation for the military wives. It shouldn't just be a day about military spouse appreciation. Our husbands appreciate us, we appreciate each-other, and ourselves.

November 8, 2010

So I have become obsessed with this whole blogging thing.. Why?! I have no freaking clue..
But I'm sitting here determining what makes my blog pretty, or unique?

Oh & How I get followers.. Iv become obsessed with making my blog all pretty perfect.. for my 4 follows.. All who I can name.. and ALL my fellow Ft. Benning Wives.

Which by the way, I ventured out and went to an FRG event last week (I'm proud of my self) I was all about it, then forgot about it, then realized it's a MUST..
Even for our BCT Drill Sgt husband's units..
Our FRG is amazing.. And the wives that are apart of it rock. ( I must say one wife in particular she knows who she is.. Shes a follower!

AWESOME IDEA about Santa's Castle. She's brilliant, and I can't wait to be apart of such a great opportunity, so glad she got me back into the FRG spirit. I have to get used to it sooner or later, we won't be at Ft. Benning with a non-deployable unit for much longer.

So, its been about 2 1/2 weeks since I have been done with the Bradley Center. If you want to be technical my last day at the partial program was October 29, you can do the math and tell me how off I was. Anyways, the pain I felt towards my husband was indescribable. How can the man I married, call the cops on me, throw me in a psych ward and not have the decency to face me.. I was hurt, betrayed and most of all.. DESPISED my husband, and trust me there was no words to describe the hate I had for him. But now, after how ever many days, or weeks that have passed I finally finished the book I started at the Bradley Center while I was in-patient.
The books title: Total Forgiveness, By R.T. Kendall
Lets just say, I am now thankful for my husband and love him more than ever for having the courage to take the steps I wasn't taking to get me the help I needed. (Confused?), I needed help, I still need help. But with the medications and the new work-out routine I have planned for my self (SPIN CLASS) 4 times a week, I think I'll be better.. Not to mention weekly visits to the therapist, and monthly visits to my psychologist and manicurist (did I mention a monthly massage too..)..
Here is what I learned reading this book, that I SERIOUSLY suggest... and will read again when necessary...
And I will be quoting directly from R.T Kendall ( Who ever you are.. your amazing)
The Pragmatic Reasons for forgiving
1. Consider the consequences if you do forgive.
[Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things -- PHILIPPIANS 4:8]
2. Consider the consequences if you don't forgive.
[But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins -- Matt 6:15]

&& so we go on to the

Steps in Totally Forgiving Others
1. Make the deliberate and irrevocable choice not to tell anyone what they did.
2. Be pleasant to them should you be around them.
3. If conversation ensues, say that which would set them free from guilt.
4.Let them feel good about themselves.
5. Protect them from their greatest fear.
6. Keep it up today, tomorrow, this year, and next.
7. Pray for them.

"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"(Matt.5:44)

And anyone who truly knows me, knows that I AM NOT the religious type. But this book changed my views, thoughts, emotions, and feelings..
I could sit here and hate my husband when I did all the wrongs, or I can move on and appreciate that my husband saved my life, and our marriage.
I thank my husband as much as I can, and I don't think there are enough words to even begin to thank the girls I met at the Bradley Center.
These women are strong, beautiful and amazing women. Yes we ALL might be a bit crazy, but I admire these women. They are part of who I am today, and they have made me the strong woman I am now.

They picked me up when I hit rock bottom
They spent early mornings with me in tears
One of them dealt with my 3 am loud arrival
We opened our hearts to each-other
We bonded and made everlasting friendships
That no one would ever be able to understand but us.
I love these women with my heart, and I love my husband for having the courage, strength, and desire to help me, his wife, his military wife that in less than a year will be alone while he is deployed fighting for his country. I admire him for everything he has done, and will do.

November 3, 2010

Well, I'v been out of the Bradley Center since the October 29th, and I'm getting stronger every day. As stated in my previous blog, my mom is still here. Which is good. I went to my therapist today, and she thinks its great my mom is still here, so she can help relieve some of the stress I have. With all the medications, and changes I am going through (mentally, physically and emotionally), its good to have her for support. With my husband being a Drill Sargent Hes not home often, so her being here is so helpful. I discussed with my therapist the fact of going back to work, and she doesn't think its a good idea. So it looks like my job search is going to be put on hold, maybe till we PCS (HOPEFULLY TO CARSON so we can be close to my roomie Amanda!). Lets discuss Amanda. She is officially my life saver. I met her at the BC, and I think meeting her was the best thing that can happen to me. She was my strength to fall on, and my shoulder to cry on. I can't even explain the tears we shared, and the anger we had, but it brought us close together and our friendship will continue on. Ashley another girl I met, was so inspirational. She was so strong, and powerful. As we were all going through hard times, all hit rock bottom, I felt Ashley was so strong and so open to sharing her emotions, feelings and thoughts. I admire both of these girls, and feel they both were a gift brought to me from GOD. I can't imagine my life without both of these girls, and I don't know where I would be with out them, I didn't realize how much these girls meant to me until I spoke with my therapist today, but I am so happy and lucky to have met them. I just hope they know the importance they have in my life.

All About Me

I'm a 20 something military wife, we are expecting our first child Feb 29, 2012. Went from being a Party Girl in Cali to an Army wife within a week. We are now stationed in Alaska, which is the by far the coldest place I have ever been!