Strengthen relationship with kids before pushing them to meet new partner

Saturday

Jan 28, 2012 at 12:01 AM

Q: My ex-wife is now living with the man she left me for. Unfortunately, my children were aware of the affair. Our son hasn't spoken to her in over a year. My children do not want anything to do with their mother's boyfriend. My ex blames me (wrongly) for turning the kids against her. Each weekend it's the same thing, and the kids do not want to go. What do I do?

Jann Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe

Q: My ex-wife is now living with the man she left me for. Unfortunately, my children were aware of the affair. Our son hasn't spoken to her in over a year. My children do not want anything to do with their mother's boyfriend. My ex blames me (wrongly) for turning the kids against her. Each weekend it's the same thing, and the kids do not want to go. What do I do?

A: It's not uncommon for a parent who has moved on quickly to lose sight of the family's grieving and after what seems like a short amount of time, expect everyone to put the indiscretion behind them and forgive and forget. If mom wants to restore her relationship with her children she needs to start listening more than talking to her kids — and she should be prepared to hear their hurt and anger and understand there is no quick fix for this one. It's also vital that mom not get defensive when his children express their anger — and most important, not blame their dad for her cheating. Blaming someone the children feel they must protect will only alienate them further.

One of the biggest mistakes parents make when they have moved on is wanting to introduce their kids to their new partner too soon after the break-up. If you introduce the kids too soon, it actually sabotages their relationship with the new partner. Best to follow the kids' lead — or even get the help of a therapist to guide you through the process.

It's doubtful that you will settle this quickly. It is our suggestion that mom stop pushing for the introduction and concentrate on repairing her relationship with the kids with some one-on-one time. Once trust has been regained, that's when an introduction is appropriate.

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at ee@bonusfamilies.com.