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So I posted yesterday. Yea, I did that. It was just OK. No, no, no, listen, I know it wasn’t my best, but hey. I fucking tried. I decided that you people deserve better, though. You deserve something to make you laugh. Something to make you cry. Something to make you hold your family close. Something to act as a reminder of what makes us all Americans, and what’s more American than wisdom? Maybe fire and really big sandwiches. And speed.

Here are some famous quotes from me, Iron Kyle:

Forgetting Debt

“OK, so we owe China like $500 billion? OK. This is what we do: We get two or three tons of C4 and get on the next cruise liner to China, then we [Removed by the Editor.].”–Kyle to [Removed by Editor.] on August 20, 2009

Substance Abuse

“It’s only substance abuse if you slap your whiskey before you drink it.” –Kyle, drunk, at a 2009 intervention.

“It’s only substance abuse if your weed tells you it’s too tired to be smoked but you force yourself on it and smoke it anyway.” –Kyle, high as shit, same intervention.

“It’s only substance abuse if your beer accidentally burns the lasagna and you tell it that it’s not a good mom and then drink it with an angry face.”–Kyle, on the edge of vomiting, same intervention.

“My grandfather drank everyday from the time he was thirteen until he was eighty-six. The day he died was the first day he didn’t have a beer in seventy-three years. It was also the first day in seventy-three years that he didn’t pee where people could see. God, he was a bastard.” –Kyle, slightly buzzed, at his grandfather’s funeral in 2007.

Marriage

“Marriage–is a beautiful thing. It’s the joining of two twin spirits into one big, scary, super spirit. This super spirit will sometimes manifest itself in ordinary men. That’s when we need Jesus most.” –Kyle to the Southern Baptist Convention in 2009.

“So you want to get married? That’s fantastic. Before you get married, remember, get about a hundred pounds of C4, then find the nearest passenger liner. Then you’re going to [Removed by Editor.]” –Kyle to his sister Kasey upon hearing the news of her then upcoming wedding.

Abortion

“Listen, even if you don’t want your baby, you should keep it. Every day, remind that kid that it was an accident. Then you can kill it a little bit every day and not have to deal with all the messy legal stuff and people picketing you as you leave a clinic.”–Kyle at a Planned Parenthood convention.

“Yea, my mom tried to abort me. It didn’t stick. I crawled out of that dumpster, went to the Social Security Office, picked up some unemployment money, and got an apartment in East Dallas.” –Kyle, drunk, to those in attendance to his friend Kelsey’s baby shower.

“If you don’t want to bother with all that paperwork that comes with an abortion, I can tell you how to do it at home. First, take about a pound of C4 and put it [Removed by Editor.]”–Kyle, talking to a group of high schoolers about sexual education.