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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

My New Year’s resolution is: Get off sex. Yeah, ya heard that right: DJ Pauly D is going off sex, for a year. Ladies, I will still pick u up at bars and give u the hottest makeout sessions of ur lives, but sex is off the table. Unless I’m really really drunk and don’t have control over my own actions, then it don’t count.

Y, u ask, y is the awesome DJ Pauly D swearing off sex? Did some wh*re break his heart? Oh, come on, as if some random chick could ever bring down The D! No this, whaddaya call it, epiphany huh? Ok, this epiphany happened when I was hanging out with this bunch of chicks at a bar, n they told me about this new thing called Segion, short for sex-religion. Wat u do is u go to these meetings n they give u sumthing n u get really high n then u attain nirvana, which feels like u’ve f**ked a hundred virgins at a time. Initially I didn’t believe them. What toadshit, I said. They said come, try it. But on one condition, u must not have sex for a week. I was gonna say no, DJ Pauly D cannot go without sex for a week, sex is like air for Pauly. But the offer was too tempting. I managed to diet for a week, n then I went.

Oh, OH, OHHHHH!!! Wat an experience man! I aint good with words, so I can’t describe the feeling to actually make it come before ur eyes, but if DJ Pauly D says it’s AWESOME, it must be beyond imagination. Dude, I’ve never been one for hallucin-sex, but this is killer. U’ll never want to bang another chick again after being through Segion. I spent my entire Christmas weekend just Segioning after those late-night parties, it was heaven.

I know u all r really eager to try out the bong that DJ Pauly D smoked from, but I gotta say, it ain’t for everyone. Segion is for high-performing alpha males, by invite only. I could invite you, but it ain’t gonna be easy. There r sum tasks u gotta do, sum hurdles u gotta overcome. Wat to do? Go to the Jersey Shore website, n sumwhere in the hot photos of me n the lame pics of everyone else is hidden a key, a link to opening the door and handing u ur first task. Find the key, open the door n mail the results of ur first task to me. Then we’ll talk.