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David Maus would have done whatever it takes — and then adopted the pit bull as a counter-icon to Mr. Unbelievable.
Henry Maldonado would have charged the woman “just pennies” to remove the dog.
Cameron Kuhn would have run out of resources before he could free the dog.
Lou Pearlman would have eaten the pit bull in a single gulp.
Universal Orlando would take the dog and make it into a ride.
Scott Maxwell would have found out whether the biting of another dog by the pit bull would cause him to lose his drive-time air shift at WTKS.

Sentinel Editorial Board would have recommended that a Blue Ribbon Panel be convened to study whether Dog Catcher should be an elected position, and if so, would it be done in Single Member Districts to ensure diversity in the election.

Carl Langford: would have broughbeaten the dog verbally and after the dog won, would have given the dog a trumpet to play in honor of himself.
Shaq: would have believed the dog when it said, “Ok, I’ll leave the terrier alone,” but would have been shocked when the dog signed a free agent deal to play alongside Kobe for Phil Jackson in LA.
Shaq, 2: would have recoiled in disgust when the dog said he only decided to leave for LA after those rotten nitwits at the Sentinel ran a fan poll that said the dog wasn’t worth 117 million terriers.
Sam Zell: would have bought the dog, but after the dog inquired as to Mr. Zell’s plans for him told the dog to, “F*@# off.”
Paris Hilton: upon telling the dog that if he would decide against enjoying the terrier for lunch she would open a new nightclub for him on Church Street, and the dog replied that she was dessert, Hilton was heard to say to no one in particular, “Y’know, that…really that’s not so hot, I don’t think…”
Dwight Howard: would have put on his Superman cape, ripped the dog off the terrier’s throat, and leaped in a single bound to the other end of Edgewater Drive and slam dunked the dog into the O-rena reflecting pool…causing PETA twits to soil their hempen trousers in glee at the prospect of a new case of animal abuse to exploit for their agenda following the Spackler-esque, once-in-a-lifetime brilliant shot by Tripp Isenhour.
Barry Obamalamadingdong: would have produced a mic from his coat pocket and launched into a soaring, majestic, symphony of uplifting, inspiring, entirely ethical political speechifying rhetoric to the dog, all the better to lift and inspire the dog from this heinous thing he was doing, to which the dog would have replied, (chomp, gulp, belch), “Anyone have a nice mint, or… something… maybe?”
Glenda Hood: would have called a PTA meeting to discuss how to get the dog to stop trying to consume the terrier for lunch, but upon realizing she was in fact mayor and not a PTA president, but further realizing no one had ever noticed the difference, threw the dog a quick salute, turned on her heel, and headed back downtown to slap up the Glenda Hood Global Trade Center and World Peace Pavillion at the northwest corner of the intersection of Orange Ave. and Robinson St. for the low, low public-funds price of $179 beel-yin dollars.

Kevin Smith would have run towards the pit bull, then reversed field at the last second to run away from it and towards an NFL recruiting camp.
Tom Feeney would pass legislation to allow for dog-walkers to use deadly force on their routes, transforming the castle-doctrine into the fire-hydrant doctrine.
Gary Siplin would have jumped the nearest fence and I said, “I love you.”
Dan Webster would have read the pit bull a Bible verse to calm it down.
John Land would have trained his flint-lock musket on the dog and killed it outright.
Earl Wood would have given the black-powder and mini ball for John Land to do this.
Bill Robinson would have called for a do-over after watching the pit bull kill the terrier.
Lew Oliver would agree to the do-over as long as it reminded people his counterpart did nothing in the first place.
Glenda Hood would have scolded the pit bull for ruining the character of the neighborhood.
Bill Frederick would use old campaign funds to educate a select group of younger-dog owners to prevent future dog mishaps.
Phil Diamond would let Buddy Dyer run over him to save the terrier.
Patti Sheehan would have hit the pit bull with the one of the leftover ‘Keys to the City’ she can longer hand out on her own.
Tony Ortiz would have called Betty Wyman to handle the pit bull for him.
Betty Wyman would have shouted at the pit bull, “Do you know who I am?” and promptly called Val Demmings for protection.
Toni Jennings would have charmed the pit bull into stopping its attack and gotten both dogs to like each other.
Lydia Gardner would have chastised the pit bull for bad behavior after kicking it out of the way with her designer shoes.
David Strong would have hurled dog poop at the pit bull.
The Orange County School Board, of course, would have done nothing and blamed the FCAT for the death of the terrier.

Nikki Ramirez – would have used a pressure washer against the dog.
Bishop Thomas Wenski – would have asked the dog for a “dialog” in the spirit of Vatican II.
Doug Guetzloe – would have taken a kickback from the attacking dog & would shutup about it.
Henry Maldanodo – would have nagged the dog to death after talking about Bright House Networks.
Warren Sapp – would have sacked the dog in a last hurrah following his retirement.
Adrian Apgar – would have gotten naked to try to get the dog off, but would have ended up getting attacked by an alligator from Lake Ivanhoe.

Doug Guetzloe would have contacted the pit bull’s owner and convinced them that the Orlando Mayor brutalized their innocent K-9 with their public tax dollars and asked them to place an “Ax the Tax” sign in the front yard after a photo-op of the owner, bit bull and Guetzloe in front of City Hall.

Governor Crist would call a press conference to blame the high home insurance premiums on the pit bull.
Penny Hardaway would have taken a step towards the attacking pit bull and immediately collapsed on his (bad) left knee due to overexertion. Pit may have then lost interest in terrier.

Doug Guetzloe would have written a one-page report on what they should do with the pit bull and charged $100K for it.
Speaking of Guetzloe, Mike hasn’t written about him in months. Has Mike been feeling ok?