Intangible. Untouchable. All things to some People. And a laughable concept to everyone else…

Category: Scottish Football

Earlier today, The Clumpany had an off-the record pint with one of the MSM’s finest. I say I ‘had a pint with…’, but that’s a bit of an exaggeration.

We sat down to have a pint together, but then he spent most of the time in the toilet. It was either that or actually piss himself with excitement at Sevco winning a third league game in a row for the first time in ages.

I suspect it is – in reality – a comparatively short period of time since the Ibrox outfit won three league matches in a row. However, if I try and quantify that time period I know someone in the Sevcosphere will try and shout me down about a pretend ‘glorious LONG LONG LONG history’, or some such bullshit.

So let’s not bother on this occasion…

Despite his toilet-based absence, I did glean from my associate that he planned to spend his entire Monday paying tribute to Rangers* being back* by winning three (games)-in-a-row.

He will put three – yes THREE – Shredded Wheat in his bowl tomorrow morning. Yes he will put them back in the packet and have a slice of toast instead, but it’s all about the MASSIVE STATEMENT OF INTENT, isn’t it?

He will be playing a triangle all day, no matter what the situation.

He will forgo every meal and every drink and have triple whiskies in place of them. It will be Tesco whisky, but he is quite prepared to assert that it is a VERY expensive single malt.

He will watch DVDs of all three of Sevco’s unsuccessful Petrofac Cup campaigns. This will remind him that the establishment will stop at nothing to do the Gers* down, making his ‘crusading’ journalistic efforts vital!

He will ‘prove’ that all three of Celtic’s trophies last season were won by cheating.

He will say “State Aid” three times in an article, and hope that a vengeful European Commissioner will appear and lay waste to Celtic Park.

He will implore his editor to let him deposit a bodily fluid on page three, or in the third minute of any broadcast output.

He will enjoy a threesome (subject to the outcome and reception of all of the above).

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Here is some possibly satirical ‘news’ from the world of local planning.

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Aberdeen needs a strong Planning Department, says expert.

The Pittodrie side’s plans for a new stadium and associated bright future deserve a self-interested and resolute planning department. That is the opinion of top Scottish football expert and qualified planner Dr. T. Clumpany.

By A. Thumbs-Down

Aberdeen Football Club have been given some firm advice by one of the ‘top’ pundits and planners in Scotland as they try to relocate to a brand new stadium.

Dr T. Clumpany – who didn’t have any certificates of qualification to hand – says that Aberdeen have to look at the bigger picture when planning their move away from Pittodrie.

“It’s quite clear” said Dr Clumpany “You can complain about the requirements and opposition of the planning authorities as much as you like. But they are ultimately looking out for what is best for them and any other bullshit wider issues they choose to highlight.

“You can’t blame them for that. Yes it is disappointing, and we all know that Aberdeen wouldn’t conduct themselves in that sort of way. They would take a more sensible view and try to avoid unnecessary disturbance.

“We all understand that Aberdeen want to look to a bright future and to build sustainably while playing by the rules. But when push comes to shove we all ultimately want to see a strong planning department get its way.

“And if that means them trampling over the aspirations, hard work and fair play of Aberdeen Football Club, then that’s absolutely fine. Aberdeen need to know their place and bow to a higher power. In fact, they should just move on. By staying put at Pittodrie.”

Aberdeen Chairman Stewart Milne was unavailable for comment. However, we couldn’t help but notice his recent remarks to the BBC, which made many folk rub their chins thoughtfully.

“We’ve always had a very good relationship with Rangers, we’ll work hard to make sure that we come through and relations are strengthened as we move forward. We all want to see a strong Rangers, we need that for Scottish football, and the sooner they fill their vacancy and get a good manager in and strengthen the whole set up, that’s in the interests of Scottish football.”

A spokesperson for Aberdeen fans looked somewhat… err… sheepish when asked about their Chairman’s comments.

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We all have our favourite Sevco-sympathising or cheerleading sports journalists.

Mine is the one who seemingly suspends their rumoured critical faculties on a daily basis to peddle vacuous nonsense that all is well at Sevco, and that the return* of the glory days is just around the corner.

What do you mean “that description doesn’t narrow it down very much?”.

Anyway… the purpose of this blog is to exclusively reveal that a new kid is on the churnalistic block. I am not allowed to divulge which mainstream media outlet our hero is joining, but I can tell you about the special qualities that got him the job, and give you his name.

This chap is prepared to put in some serious legwork to bring you the most pointless space-filling Sevco ‘stories’ you have ever seen.

He will scavenge everywhere and anywhere to find and carry back all manner of crap to try your patience.

His antennae can pick up the most guffaw-inducing Ibrox minutiae you have ever encountered.

And his ability to crawl before the occupants of the Blue Room is second to none.

Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to present to you the latest graduate from the Level5 School of Sevco PR:

Yes, it’s Concomit Ant! 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Yes that IS a terrible joke. But if you can’t embarrass yourself on your own blog, where can you?

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The Clumpany has had a sneak preview of a fictitious article which won’t actually appear in a newspaper tomorrow…

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Loser McInnes Knocks Back Gers* Charity

The Aberdeen boss has let his family and himself down by refusing to accept Rangers’* generosity.

By U. Turn

Underperforming failure Derek McInnes reverted to type last night as he spurned Rangers’* charitable offer to let him be their next manager.

In a move that surprised no one – least of all this paper, which never fancied the Aberdeen manager for the biggest job in football – McInnes bottled the chance of a lifetime and opted to remain at the backwater that is Aberdeen FC.

A source close to Rangers* confirmed that McInnes had only been offered the job because Ibrox board members have a big heart and an unrelenting commitment to helping those less fortunate.

“Derek was given the opportunity because the board felt sorry for him having to turn up every day and put a shift in at lowly Aberdeen” said our insider.

“No one actually wanted him to have the job, but their good nature got the better of them and they made Derek a big money offer with the promise of a huge transfer budget to topple Celtic.

“But he didn’t fancy it. I haven’t actually seen Derek’s underwear, but I have no doubt it was soiled when he thought about the honour of managing Rangers*. He’s a loser and Rangers* have had a narrow escape. Especially as they never wanted him anyway.”

In recent weeks this paper brought you a series of exclusives about how completely unsuitable McInnes was for the Ibrox hot seat, and our top team repeatedly cautioned the Light Blues against taking on such a hopeless individual.

Our prediction that McInnes would never be the Rangers* manager came true last night when a clearly-relieved Aberdeen published a statement confirming that he would remain at Pittodrie as a key part of their pursuit of mediocrity.

Rangers* fans meanwhile have taken to social media to confirm that their board is absolutely correct in everything it does, and also to celebrate the club’s lucky escape.

One fan, @NotReallyJTraynor commented “The board has played a blinder once again. No one wanted McInnes. The millions can be spent backing a proper manager”.

Rangers* are yet to identify their preferred candidate, but our mindless headlines in support of whatever bizarre course of action they take next are already prepared.

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Blubberwell Football Club today didn’t release the following statement in relation to things just NOT BEING FAIR.

“Many supporters, untold millions, in fact so many fans that we can’t actually give you an exact number, have contacted the club seeking to have a good greet and to prompt us to do the same in public. And they want us to do so even if it makes us look silly and causes people to point, laugh and make comparisons to Sevco.

And do you know something? DO. YOU. KNOW. SOMETHING? We are going to have that greet and we ARE going to stamp our feet for good measure. Because incidents in recent games with Celtic are just too much to justify the toys being kept in our pram any longer.

“Firstly, it is unfortunate that the aftermath of yet another Blubberwell match has been dominated by us having to have a debatable debate amongst ourselves and with a surprising number of hitherto-unknown Blubberwell fans from the south side of Glasgow. A debatable debate about another debatable decision by a match official. It is a debatable decision that has left the majority of our supporters again debating quite how frustrated they should continue to feel whilst ignoring a compelling camera angle showing a foul in the penalty area.

“There is no debatable debate about the fact that match officials have a challenging role, and we know that getting everything correct is impossible (look at this statement, for example). However, it is teddy bear-clutchingly heartbreaking, and dummy-spittingly irritating to see high profile decisions (which are just like ‘decisions’, but hyped up for the purposes of a grievance-articulating statement) affect both Wednesday night’s match and the League Cup final in the way we assert they have.

“As such, we have made contact with the Scottish FA’s Head of Refereeing in order to be able to say that we have contacted the Scottish FA’s Head of Refereeing. Let there be no misunderstanding about our resolve in this matter: the Scottish FA’s Head of Refereeing has been contacted.

“We would also like to thank our fans for yet another large attendance and for supporting the team. Our average attendances are up almost as high as Scott Sinclair was propelled when he was fouled in the Hampden penalty area, and Stephen Robinson and his squad continue to capture the imagination as clearly as Andy Rose caught Callum McGregor at Fir Park.

“We also note the comments of the Celtic captain today. If any incidents are reported to us, or we glance at the footage of the match, we will fully investigate them. Including the possibility that coins were thrown on the pitch in a simple case of Fir Park being mistaken for a wishing well.

“In addition, we will work with Celtic to investigate the numerous acts of vandalism, including a very precisely-counted 206 broken seats (that’s 206, NOT 205 but TWO HUNDRED-AND-SIX broken seats), damaged toilets and graffiti in the McEwan Fraser Legal South Stand. Nice mention for the sponsors there!”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun (and for the avoidance of doubt, I condemn vandalism!)

And what amazing luck that he should find evidence in support of his completely unprecedented board-backing view that it is absolutely right that Sevco should take a long time – a LOOOONG time – in appointing the [*cough cough*] right manager for the biggest job in all of Big Jobbydom.

Sources close to Fantasy Island have told The Clumpany “DJ couldn’t believe it. He was down in the ancient caves boring his guide to death about how the Sevco board is absolutely right in everything it does. He must have said ‘a club like Rangers*’, ‘Dave King’ and ‘back where we… err… THEY belong’ a hundred times each.

“Then he started talking about the managerial vacancy at Sevco, and about how the board didn’t want to rush into making a costly appointment.

“DJ stressed that ‘costly’ meant Rangers* potentially losing matches under the wrong man rather than Dave King having to find actual money to get someone in. Because Dave has lots of money, and anyone who suggests otherwise is clearly not a genuine Rangers* fan.

“And just as the tour guide was about to turn them around to go back to what he apparently described as ‘somewhere out of earshot of this high-pitched buffoon’, DJ swore blind that he could see a very old cave painting.

“This came as a surprise to the tour guide as he’d never seen any paintings in this part of the caves during a 30-year career. However, DJ was adamant that he could definitely see a picture of men throwing spears at bison and underneath someone had clearly written ‘Rangers shouldn’t target a manager as frantically as these People are chasing bison. The boardshould take its time’.

“The guide challenged DJ to point out exactly where this painting and writing was and said DJ could actually touch the walls if needed, even though that isn’t usually allowed. He also explained to DJ that cavemen couldn’t write the English language or indeed any words, so he was probably just seeing things.

“But DJ wasn’t having any of it. He said that Rangers* was an historic club and its reputation was clearly timeless. Even the cavemen knew it was important for a club like Rangers* to take all the time in the world to make the correct managerial appointment.”

When informed of DJ’s ‘discovery’, a SSB spokesperson refused to confirm that a caveman tale of a bygone age had no place on a flagship football phone-in.