4.27.2012

Nearly every day I open my blog and think about the long amount of time that has lapsed since my last post. I want to write, to clear my mind in the only way which truly helps me, words in written form. Yet I don't. And I am not sure why, other than this feeling of failure that has been running through my head. I see what I write and as I reread through my history, I realize how many things I have vowed to improve upon, yet failed in being successful. Though writing helps to line everything up and make it more workable in my mind, I still haven't pushed forth and made the changes to actually be a success. And so, I need to write, but find the task daunting as it shows the failure within my life.

Today, and for the past week actually, I have had a headache which sucks the life out of me. For every minute spent working, I need 10 to reenergize. This headache, along with the stomach pain, has me slightly worried. Like a little nagging worry in the back of my mind. I'm sure it's nothing, but dang, it hurts. Every tylenol I pop helps the pain temporarily subside, but very temporarily. And sleeping is the only manner in which the pain is completely resolved, so I have been doing lots of that too. I can't figure out why I am always dealing with health issues of one sort or another. I consider my age, just 40, and worry about my future. If I now am an unhealthy mess, what will I be at age 60 or 70 when age really starts becoming a contributing factor? What can I do to guarantee a more healthy lifestyle?

My husband is going through changes within his company. Not just a few little reorganisational changes, but changes in which his entire department is no longer employed. Luckily, his job is still solid, in some form or another. But for how long? And will he be happy in his job being one of the 10 of 70 employees left with a salary? I am scared for our financial future, as what will we do without his employment? How will we make ends meet? What will we lose? When will I be allowed the extra of seeing my family, traveling to America? Will he remain happily employed, or will the stress of a job search be on the horizon for our family? And what are my expectations as provider for our family in the event he can't? Will I, after all these years of unemployment, be forced to find work to bring our family some security?

My husband and I are going through another phase of change in our relationship. I don't feel certain and secure and happy with the place we have fallen. We have even discussed the possibility of going our separate ways, and what we need to do to assure this doesn't happen. However, compromise isn't forthcoming. Neither of us is willing to give in on certain points within our relationship, so we have come to a standstill, neither of us feeling happy or complete. When I asked him if he thought we would be better off separating and he answered an honest Maybe, it scared me. I don't want to be without him. I love him deeply and truly, and he has given me more in my life than I ever imagined was possible. However, it isn't always enough. Maybe I need too much, maybe it is more than he can give, but it is still a need. If he can't fulfill that need, is it fair for us to remain in our marriage, always striving to find a happiness we can never completely reach? What exactly do we owe each other and ourselves? Is it possible for us to be committed to each other if we are unable to compromise on certain aspects within our marriage and family life? Is there a point in which you finally say enough is enough, or do you keep fighting, keep trying to make it a success? We aren't unhappy together, but we aren't completely content and fulfilled either. When I cried in his arms worried about our future together, he assured me we would find a way to make it through...yet since the tears dried up, we haven't made any positive moves to find any solutions.

Kaeden and Jari, Jari and Kaeden...my boys. Both bring my heart such a fullness. But being a mom is so difficult. The choices I have had to make in regards to my children are some no parent should have to decide. Everything I do, I do for them. Sometimes it is right, sometimes wrong, but always what I feel is best at the time. My love for them goes above and beyond anything I could have imagined. I can't believe that God entrusted their care to me...that He felt I was the one up to the challenge. I take that challenge in pride, but it has also torn me apart in so many ways. I cannot believe how much I have aged in the past few years. Both inside and outside. I feel so worn out and exhausted, my gray hair rippling in the wind behind me. I am grateful I had my children when I was young. I couldn't have given them what they needed if I had been an older mom. My level of patience has become far too thin.

Kaeden continues to offer me many challenges, the latest of which is stealing, but not only from us. This creates an ache in me so deep, knowing that I have no control over the situation or what is to come from the situation. It is out of my hands, and I only hope that one day he learns from his mistakes. I know that day will come, I have faith in my son, but I only worry that it will come too late. Kaeden learns, but it always comes too late...he just messes up all the good that comes his way. I so wish I could get inside his mind, just learn to fully understand, figure out a course of action that will finally be the one thing that can help him. Since I can't, all that is left is to be here to hug him and share my love with him and hope that it is enough. The good news is that Kaeden is thriving in school (other than behavior issues), and they feel he is ready for the next scholastic step, which is work training which they are hoping to start next school year. I think this could be a positive turning point for my son as he recognizes what it takes to make it in life, and is given the opportunity to prove what he can achieve. He is such a people person, something they always claim autistics aren't...but my son, he takes his own road...

Jari has chosen to move up in the soccer world. He signed his first contract with a higher level club a couple weeks back, and has his mind set on becoming a star. He keeps telling me it is his dream...such a big dream for such a little boy. I worry that we're allowing him to push too fast too soon, but I know the opportunity will be taken if we don't take the step. When he went to his first training with his new club, he was in tears and wanted to quit, minutes before he had to sign a contract. I didn't know what to do. He felt he wasn't ready, that he wasn't good enough, that he didn't like the pressure. While he showered, all I knew was that I came for an information meeting with the opportunity for him to sign on the dotted line. When he joined us at the meeting, his resolve was as strong as ever. I whispered that it was his call...he had to make the decision, that if he wasn't ready, he didn't have to do it. I don't know what changed during his shower, but he chose to sign. I know he is a good player. The question is whether his personality and character is strong enough to balance his skill out. He's a quiet, shy, closed kid...stubborn as can be...and when you get to know him his stubbornness outweighs his quiet and shy side. He is also struggling in school this year, but even I have to admit that it is crazy difficult. The turnover between 4th and 5th grade was far too challenging. Jari can do the work, and does it well, but his organization and procrastination skills are what he has taken away from his mama....not something to make life simple.

I cut my finger this past week, and cannot believe how handicapped it has made me. In one manner or another, my injured hand has been thoroughly damaged by this cut in my thumb. I immediately felt the same disabling feeling as I did when my arm was first damaged. That feeling of knowing something is wrong and can't be made right...since I cut my thumb, I am having all kinds of diffciulties using my hand again. It sucks. My case is still pressing along, slowly and surely, and I hope it works out like tortoise and hare...

So, that's a 'short' update on life. I enjoyed a visit with my parents the beginning of the month. It was something I sincerely needed, having their hugs and presence in my life. We called my uncle on his birthday and the tears flowed from every direction...he was recently diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease. What a heartbreak for us all.

About Me

Mom, Wife, Daughter, Friend...I could be called each of them, sometimes apart, sometimes simultaneously. Foremost, I am a 40-something woman born in Wisconsin, growing up in the Wyoming wilderness, and transported to Europe after finding my life partner in a wonderful man I now call my husband. Our two boys, 16 year old Kaeden and 9 year old Jari, keep me busy and alive. We are a family of autism, and if trying to discover how to live peacefully with autism; it is not only my greatest downfall, but my greatest success.