Penn Satire, Since 1899

Dear Not John

Dear Not John,

I’m not sorry to have to write this, but it is time we ended our non-relationship. I simply cannot continue not dating you. I feel like I’m just your not-fuck-buddy now, and we hardly ever go on not dates anymore. If that’s going to be the case, which I’m okay with, you shouldn’t be leading me on like I’m not going to be your girlfriend. It’s just super stressful right now in my life, Not John, with internships and recovering from rush… I just don’t need a not-relationship right now to mess with my head. Neither of us ever stay the night, because we’re not dating, and that’s, like, okay. But I don’t want to watch movies with you and not cuddle if it means I’m still just not your girlfriend to your friends. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a not-square hole, and you’re not helping by being completely not around when I need to really need to DTNR (define the not relationship).
All my friends tell me you’re all types of not-wrong for me, and I’m not sure that’s not true, anymore. I just can’t not talk to you. Do you remember when we were friends all of freshman year? It was like every day, we’d have fun, and make each other smile and flirt. It was like not being in love, Not John, and I want that feeling back.
I know we both agreed that we could sleep with other people, and I know we also talked about breaking it off if either of us started not liking someone else, and maybe this is not the time for that. I feel like this was much easier when we could just say we not liked each other and didn’t have to worry about all these words that “not categorized” what we were doing. Plus your whole thing with “not labeling the non-relationship” makes me think you weren’t cheating on me the whole time. I don’t think you’re not not-honest, Not John, I just have nothing to not go on, and you’re not leaving me with many courses of inaction.
Can we just not talk soon? Not in person? And not work this out? I don’t want to not lose you. You’re definitely not my best friend.