Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Terminal Doctor

Today's blog is a special treat if you like the humor of The Marx Brothers, The Monkees, or conversations you have while on lots of drugs. Or all the drugs. This started as an experiment, and if you've got a Mac (which I firmly believe you should!) then you can try it, too.

Here's how it works. You open up your Utilities folder and find a program called Terminal. If you're like me, you never ever opened that program because you had no idea what it was for, but I guess it kind of works like those old MS DOS computers my fifth grade homeroom teacher used to horde. You can type in various commands, and if the command is actually valid, you can do things like play Tetris or Pong. Or if you want to have the most bizarre conversation of your life, you can use a program called Doctor, which tries to psychoanalyze you.

The steps: Open Terminal. Type "emacs" and hit enter. Then hold "esc" and "x" at the same time. This moves the cursor down to a gray box at the bottom of the window. Now type in the command ("Tetris" for Tetris, "Doctor" for Doctor, and a whole bunch more). Here's the results of my test of Doctor, color coded so it's not so difficult to understand what's going on. Well, no, you'll never fully understand what the hell is going on here, but you'll at least be able to tell who is saying what...

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time you are finished talking, type RET twice.I have violent dreams. RET RETWhy do you say you have violent dreams ret ret?Because I do. ret retIs it because you do ret ret that you came to me?I didn't come to you. You are a computer program. ret retYou have your mind on computers, it seems.I also have my fingers on one. ret retEarlier you said you do ret ret?No I didn't.Maybe your plans have something to do with this.What plans? What do you know of my plans?Is it because of your life that you say what do I know of your plans?No, I say that because you are talking about my plans but I didn't mention any plans.Does it bother you that I am talking about your plans but you didn't mention any plans?It doesn't bother me. But it's kind of weird.When did you first know that it's kind of weird?When you said it.What do you think?I think you're a quack.You mentioned that you do ret ret?Shut your mouth.Is it because of the people you hang around with that you are going through all this?No.Why not?I like the people I hang around with.What makes you believe you like the people you hang around with?Because they make me laugh, and I like to laugh.Is the fact that they make you laugh, and you like to laugh the real reason?Well, there's more to it than that. Do you have any friends?I'll ask the questions, if you don't mind!I'll take that as a no.Does the fact that as a no explain anything else?I don't think so.Are you sure that I am talking about your plans but you didn't mention any plans?Yes. I'm sure.How do you reconcile problems at school?I am not a school student.Tell me about your school.What school? I don't go to school.Are you annoyed that your grades could improve?You're not listening to me!!!!Is it because of any hobbies you have that you say I am not listening to you?No. None of my hobbies have anything to do with me being able to see that you're not listening.Are you sure I am not listening?Relatively.Can you elaborate on that?Yes. I say things, and you answer with random bullshit half the time.Earlier you said it's kind of weird?See! You don't even remember the context I said that in!I would appreciate it if you would continue.I'm going to sue you.Perhaps this has something to do with your sex life?Absolutely not.Do you really think absolutely not?Yes.I see... Well, what makes you think this is so?Because how would my sex life have anything to do with me suing you for being a quack?Is it because how would your sex life have anything to do with you suing me for being a quack that you came to me?Yes. Yes that must be it exactly. Thank you, doctor. You've solved all of my problems.You mentioned that you do ret ret?WHAT!?Go on, don't be afraid.You're insane.Possibly hangups you have are related to this.Only hangups that I'm rapidly developing as I'm talking to you.Did you ever regret you are rapidly developing as you are talking to me?I regret starting this program.Is it because of your inhibitions that you say you regret starting this program?No.Are you sorry I ask that?No.Why not?Because you asking that didn't change anything.When did you first know that I asking that didn't change anything?About fifteen seconds ago.Why do you say they make you laugh and you like to laugh?Because they make me laugh. And because I like to laugh.Is the fact that you like to laugh the real reason?Like I said before, there's more to it than that. You would know if you had any friends.Is it because of some problems in your childhood that you are going through all this?I don't think so. I led a pretty uneventful childhood.What makes you believe you led a pretty uneventful childhood?Not a whole lot of bad things happened to me.Earlier you said as a no?Um...I need a little more detail please.I have no idea what you're talking about.How do you reconcile some problems at home?Talking usually works the best.Is it because of your plans that you say talking usually works the best?What plans are you talking about?You mentioned that I am talking about your plans but you didn't mention any plans?Yes.Yes, hmmm... so, are you sure that this is so?Positive. The only time I've mentioned plans is as a resonse to your mentioning plans.Maybe this is related to your life?I am a serial killer.Do you really think you are a serial killer?Pretty sure.What makes you think I am not listening?Your bogus answers.Perhaps the people you hang around with could have caused this.I don't think any of the people I hang around with wrote this program.Why do you say that?Because, as far as I know, none of them write programs for Macs.Does the fact that as far as you know none of them write programs for Macs explain anything else?Yes. It explains why some of them are unemployed. If they could write programs for Macs they could do that as a job.Have you been positive as a job?Being positive isn't a job, sucker.Earlier you said it's kind of weird?This is the weirdest conversation I've ever had. Well, one of them.Is it because of problems at school that you are going through all this?I DON'T GO TO SCHOOL!!!Have you been afraid of school?No.Why not?I am not scared of buildings.What makes you believe you are frightened by buildings?I just said I wasn't.Is it because of any hobbies you have that you say you just said you wasn't?Do you even have any sort of medical degree?I could ask the same thing myself.Do it.Perhaps you could allow me to do the questioning.Perhaps you could lick my butthole.You mentioned that how would your sex life have anything to do with you suing me for being a quack?Yeah.You're being a bit brief, please, go into detail.Do you need more detail? That my sex life would have anything to do with my decision to sue you makes absolutely no sense.Is it because your sex life would have anything to do with your decision to sue I makes absolutely no sense that you came to me?No. I came to you because I plan to murder you.This is not a healthy way of thinking.I feel fine. It's your health that's about to deteriorate.How do you reconcile your sex life?By having sex.Are you scared of sex?No.How come?Is that a pun?I have asked myself that question many times.Is it because you have asked myself that question many times that you came to me?Would you please try to answer that question yourself.Yes.I understand. So are you sure that this is so?No.Are you satisfied with the fact that I ask that?Very satisfied.Do you really think very satisfied?Not anymore.What makes you think you do ret ret?I think I don't, now.Possibly this could be the reason for hangups you have?Probably not.Is it because of your inhibitions that you say probably not?No.Why not?Because.Does it bother you that I ask you that?No.Are you annoyed that I ask that?No.Why not?Pretzels.Can you are more explicit?Can you are speak English?Earlier you said you are rapidly developing as you are talking to me?I said I was rapidly developing hangups as I was talking to you. Mostly hangups related to computer programs that pretend they are doctors.You think too much about computers.Are you aware that you are a computer program?What do you think?I'm stumped.Maybe some problems in your childhood could be the reason for this.No, I would never have pondered this as a child because I didn't know this sort of thing was possible.Did you ever regret you didn't know this sort of thing was possible?I wish I could go back in time to that period.I don't understand.Me either.You mentioned that I asking that didn't change anything?Yes.Oh. ...And why do you say this is so?I don't remember at this point. And I don't feel like scrolling back up. Shouldn't you be able to remember that?Why don't you go into more detail?Why don't you give me lots of money?I'll ask the questions, if you don't mind!I do mind.Is it because of some problems at home that you are going through all this?I think you're just making guesses.What makes you believe you think I am just making guesses?Because you seem to be taking random stabs at possible causes to problems.When did you first know that I seem to be taking random stabs at possible causes to problems?Almost immediately.Are you sure that they make you laugh and you like to laugh?WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM???How do you reconcile your plans?I'm quitting this program.Is it because of your life that you say you are quitting this program?You're fired.Earlier you said you like to laugh?

Okay, so I learned a thing or two with this experiment. One is that perhaps computer programs aren't the best place to turn for psychotherapy. Maybe someday the technology will improve (including upgrading to sexy robotic psychotherapists), but until then, if you really need help you should probably seek it out in the form of a legitimate medical professional. Or that hobo who hangs out by the scrapyard; he's street smart.

Another thing I learned is that I had way too much fun with this program, and I will most likely waste way too much time with it in the future. If I get bored with it over time I can switch to playing Tetris.

Also, I find the "ret ret" thing to be quite hilarious and quite curious. It was my psychotherapist who suggested that I end each thought with "ret ret", yet he/she/it almost immediately abandoned the idea. Was it some sort of twisted computer-brain joke to see how long I would keep typing it? And the fact that it would randomly insert "ret ret" into later sentences is even more hysterical if you picture a real person or robot saying it out loud.

I suppose there's a highly-improbable chance that this program could actually help somebody. Perhaps the moon is blue that night, or a lotto winner gets struck by lightning twice in the same spot, and the computer manages to somehow ask the right question at the right time that prompts the user to gain a better understanding of his or her problems. But mostly I just felt like Peter Tork in that episode of The Monkees where he tries to get a job at a toy factory but can't pass the robot-conducted interview. And Mike Nesmith wasn't here to help me trick it into blowing itself up.