The Chief of Medicine is conducting a tour of the hospital for one of the wealthy patrons. As they pass one room the patron looks in and screams. She sees a man lying in bed vigorously masturbating. " My, Heavens!. That is disgusting! ".. The doctor quickly intervenes.. ' Oh no, madam. That man has a rare disease, If he doesn't do that three times a day his testicles fill up with fluid and he'll explode. - very rare condition ".

somewhat mollified, the woman continues the tour.. at the next room, she is shocked to see a young nurse bent over another patient delivering a vigorous bit of fallatio. " Oh, My!.. You condone this behaviour ? That is disgusting ! "

The doctor tries to calm her down.. " Its quite all right, madam.. He has the same condition as the first man you saw...just a better health plan. "

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to The bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps
off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the
bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboardbox out of
which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and
hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits
a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,den
Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr*ps on everything, and
then leaves.

ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded; "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

New Oxford Dictionary definitions

GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at 3am in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare & arrse

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got four buttocks.

Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

Little Mary and her parents move into a new house. The next door neighbours have got a group of builders in doing some renovating. Whilst Mary's parents are busy unpacking she watches the builders as they about their business. Gradually they take a shine to little Mary and get her to do some little jobs to help them. Mary has a great time and helps them out for a couple of days.
At the end of the week the builders have a whip round and give little Mary 5 quid.
Mary's mum decides to let her open her first bank account and takes her down to the Halifax.

At the bank the teller is very nice and asks where Mary managed to get 5 pounds from.
"I've been working with the builders all week" she replies.
The teller asks if Mary will be working with them next week as well.
Little Mary thinks, scratches her head and says "hopefully but only if those c**ts at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks!"