Posts Tagged people

Hello everybody. Next up in Brain For Thought’s countdown is one of my favorite, yet least popular, posts. So F you and read it.

I’m sorry. I’m just cranky from working the week after Christmas instead of sitting in my sweat pants and having a one person Reese’s Pieces eating competition. The piece today is “You Should Be Patient”, which I wrote early on in the blog. Just reading it takes me back to those ambitious days of trying to crank out a post a day, and not exactly understanding what constitutes a gerund. Ah, memories.

So grab a friend and enjoy, “You Should Be Patient”

You Should Be Patient

By Warren Arnold

Being patient is hard, but good things happen when you are. Some would call having patience a virtue, but I don’t quite understand why, so I’m patiently awaiting a better explanation.

I do believe it pays off to be patient. Patient people wait in line for the movies, while impatient people cut in with their friends and make you wait longer. But the joke’s on them since it’s a Katherine Heigl movie.

You can take a turkey out of the oven when the little red popper pops, or you can leave it for two more hours to get it crispy and dry, the way I like it. And while this resulted in a nasty family-wide fight which some say ruined Thanksgiving, I like to think it saved us money on Christmas.

You could clean up behind your dog in the park, or you can be patient and wait for it to turn hard and white and attach googily eyes, so that you have another tiny citizen in your scale model of Omaha.

If you’re late for work and lose your car keys, just calm down and be patient, and soon, you won’t have a job to go to.

If you hook a fish in a lake, you could reel it in and eat fish, but if you’re patient and leave it on the line, a bigger fish will eat it, and a bigger fish will eat that fish, and so on until you catch one of those precious whales your dad chose to go save instead of watching you grow up.

You could meet a nice girl at 11PM and go back to her place and have sex, or you can be patient and wait until midnight when she turns eighteen and you don’t violate your parole.

If you’re patient and don’t answer collection calls for your credit card debt, then eventually, they stop calling and come to your house. Then you’ll have a chance to try out your bear traps.

You might buy a monkey and get tired of it’s monkey attitude, but if you’re patient, it will grow up to be a gorilla.

However, it is possible to be too patient.

Like letting someone waste your time by patiently listening to their boring stories without rolling your eyes and yelling “Whatever!”. Even if their boring stories are called baptisms.

You can wait on a bench in the mall while your girlfriend shops, but if you wait too long, then you realize that you don’t have a girlfriend…at least not the one you want.

You can wait for tensions in the middle east to calm down and gas prices to drop, but if you wait too long, then gas is $14 a gallon, because those prices aren’t going down, dummy.

So being patient does pay off, for if you hadn’t patiently taken the time to read through this, then you would have went outside and been mauled by the tiger that escaped from the zoo and is roaming the streets of your town. It should be in the news tomorrow.

I thought I would take this time between Christmas and New Year’s to look back at where the blog has been over the course of 2011 and share a couple of the more popular posts. I started brainforthought.com in March and so many people said things like, “Who the hell do you think you are?” and “That old blog won’t amount to nothing! Now you get back to mining that coal, young lady!” But the blog has been very fun and I’ve picked up some blog pals along the way.

In addition, I was very proud to have a piece was picked up by Splitsider. So kick back in your robes and slippers and enjoy Please Reset Your Password.

I have a bunch of new followers, so I just wanted to take the time to say hello and I hope you’re all having a great holiday season. If this is your first time here, make sure you check out “Please Reset Your Password” and “What Happens When I’m Bored”.

Oh, the caption for this post? I watched It’s a Wonderful Life last night and I won’t stop driving my girlfriend nuts by yelling “Merry Christmas, movie house!” every three minutes. But anyways, I’ve been delinquent in posting due to a massive writing project that finally wrapped, so I’ll get back to posting the high culture comedy you have all come to expect.(You should’ve rolled your eyes at this. If you didn’t, you probably have Krankauser’s Syndrome which prevents your eyes from reacting to poorly crafted jokes)

So let’s talk about what’s in store for 2012.

I will probably do more posts where I write from a first person account instead of always doing lists or pre-planned material. Won’t that be fun? So you’ll get random thoughts like “Hey, if George Bailey didn’t save his brother and his brother and his brother didn’t save that battalion of men in WWII, then should George have been stuck in some sort of Nazi hell?”

You guys are so lucky.

Also, in the works will be more videos, but freshly made and hopefully, a new web-series to boot.

2) You were so excited when your menstrual cycle synced up with the other girls at work that you handed out “Flow Buddies” sweatshirts.

3) You chose Banana Pudding Day at the cafeteria to finally squeeze that softball-sized cyst on your back.

4) You built a scale model of Carlsbad Caverns, by using boogers that you wiped on the bottom of your desk drawer.

5) You give scalp massages at the urinal.

6) You wear a shirt that has an arrow pointing to your crotch and the phrase “Too Big to Fail”

7) Even though you only needed 99 of 101 dalmatians to complete your wardrobe, you use the last two for an extra pair of Crocs.

8) You steer every conversation to the time you met Jon Lovitz.

9) Every time you fail to earn a piece of Trivial Pursuit pie, you claim the game is biased towards “non-whites.”

10) You hold up the line at Wal-Mart by writing a check, five minutes after you maced everyone for an X-Box 360.

11) You discover a magic mailbox at your lake house that sends letters back and forth through time, but instead of cultivating the love of a lifetime, you keep sticking your dick in there asking for a temporal hand job.

12) You co-wrote the song “Moves Like Jagger”

13) You own a dragon T-shirt.

14) The thing you remember most about 9/11 is that you scored three touchdowns in flag football.

Happy Wednesday, everyone! Guess who’s run out of topic ideas? I have. So, it’s time for more ways things can get worse. I’m a big fan of sequels: The Dark Knight, Empire Strikes Back, Big Momma’s Hous……most sequels.

More Ways Your Life Can Get Worse

While viewing a solar eclipse, you cross paths with the one bird alive with the natural ability to precisely shit through a tiny hole in a paper plate.

After years of rebuilding your self-ego, you end up working in the same office with the girl in high school who nicknamed you “Pickle Tits”

You quit your job to pursue the life of an artist, but you find that you are only able to paint select scenes from the TV show “Caroline In the City” when everyone is actually crazy for “Suddenly Susan”.

Despite your best efforts at potty training, you just can’t get your daughter to understand the difference between the toilet and the aquarium.

Your tickle parties slowly turn into GOP fundraisers.

As your parole is denied and you head back to your cell, you realize that last night probably wasn’t the best time to jokingly tell the white supramicists “We can mouth kiss tomorrow!”

After a fall on your bicycle, you can’t help drinking your beer pinky out

While removing your belly button lint, you notice that you have removed a kidney

Just as you place the last brick into an inpenetrable super wall separating the U.S. and Mexico, you turn around to see the angry Rottweiler from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

As particle physicist, you spend two decades designing the world’s largest proton accelerator and just as you nervously throw on the power for its inaugural run, you see the janitor banging your wife on one of the thermocouples.

After getting home from a trip to the Apple Store and LensCrafters, respectively, you look down to discover that the iPad 2 you bought is actually a bowl of goulash. (FYI You hate goulash)

Just as you’re feeling good about yourself, somebody asks you a foreign policy question on Libya.