Saturday, September 21, 2013

One TV & Viewers Many!

At first, I didn't believe it. But
when I heard the sound more closely, I could distinguish it very well. It was
definitely not my favourite Another Cinderella Story movie channel.
Instead I could hear WWE champions wrestling. I went into the hall to
check and indeed, my brother had changed the channel from HBO to Ten Sports.
And worse, the remote was nowhere in sight.

On seeing me standing behind him,
he jumped out of my reach and smirked. At the same time, The Undertaker
grabbed his opponent's throat and threw him down on the floor of the ring.
There was a tremendous applause from the crowd. When the referee announced him
as the winner, an ear-shattering music started getting played in the
background. My grandma apparently couldn't bear the volume. She came out of her
bedroom and looked disapprovingly at both of us. I knew what would follow
next. She demanded the remote and my brother surrendered it to her
without any arguments. He quietly went into his study room and me, to my
least favorite place on Earth, the kitchen. Wouldn't it have
been easier if he had not changed the channel? I had just gone into the kitchen
to help my mother during an advertisement, which I knew would take 10-15 mins
to finish, when he had magically appeared and changed the channel. That too for
a repeat telecast of his favorite match! I, at least had an excuse. I had not
seen that movie before!

Few minutes later, I started
hearing another sound. This was my grandma's favorite channel- Aastha.
She had started watching a spiritual man in long white beard reciting Bhagwat
Gita again. Soon my grandfather joined her. Our hall became a partially
full spiritual theater. No tickets required. Entry free of cost. And now,
nobody minded the volume of the Sony Bravia. Let the whole building hear
it out! Excellent for mind, body and soul.

I heard a sigh from behind. Turning
back, I saw my mother crying. I was horrified. Seriously, what had happened?
Had all the bhajans and kirtans on the channel finally upset her
so much? OK, fine. I didn't understand anything of it but I was sure it
contained nothing to cry about, right? Right? And then
I realized. Oh well, she wasn't crying. Not in the literal sense
anyway. It was just the onions that she was chopping. I went back to my Kheer
and started stirring it.

After a long time, because the
clock hands felt to be moving very slowly, it was 9 pm. Time for Diya Aur
Bati Hum. My mother's favorite serial on Star Plus. And mine too, I admit.
On top of everything, it was going to be a special 1 hour episode.
I went into the hall and asked grandma for the remote. She handed it to
me immediately. She is a loyal fan of the serial too. My grandfather just
looked on helplessly.

Sharp at 9.30pm, my father and a
foul-mouthed uncle who is sweetly referred to as Mr. Besharam in our ladies
clan, entered the room. It was our cue to go. Gents settled on the cushioned
sofas and changed the channel to Aaj Tak. While the news anchors thundered
100 super-fast breaking news at top speed, we finished making dinner and served
it on the dining table. Everybody joined and started eating. I ate at top speed
and finished first. I wanted to catch Jodhaa Akbar on Zee TV. I went
into the hall but to my disbelief, my brother was already lying flat across the
sofa, watching some highlights of a Cricket match on Star Sports. And it wasn’t
even India’s match.

“Where is the remote?” I snapped.

He didn’t reply. He was watching a
cricket match that wasn’t even live with as much concentration as writing a
board exam.

“Where is the remote?” Mr. Besharam
emerged from the dining room and thundered at him.

My brother produced it from under
the center table where he had hidden it and handed it to him. I went back to my
mother and helped her in cleaning the mess in the kitchen. My brother went
towards our desktop computer.

It was 11.15pm. Suddenly I heard my
grandfather calling me. I went into the hall and saw the thing that had left
him grinning broadly. It was Welcome To Sajjanpur on UTV movies. I don’t
know how he had managed to retrieve the remote but he had successfully changed
the channel to his favourite movie, which wasn’t vulgar and quite nostalgic for
him. He likes the way the protagonist writes letters for his village folks.
Everyone gathered in the room, abandoning their respective works. Some even sat
on the floor to catch the action on the TV. But after 10 mins, when grandpa
started feeling too sleepy, he took his medicines and went back into his room.
Mr. Besharam got hold of the remote quickly and changed the channel to
some old movie. We had never watched that movie before and didn’t have a single
clue about its genre. My brother started feeling restless. He looked at him
threateningly until my mother gave him a keep-your-mouth-shut look.
Miraculously, Mr. Besharam had eaten too much that night. Unable to hold it in
any longer, he went into the loo. My brother snatched the remote before me. But
he changed the channel back to Welcome To Sajjanpur as I had wanted. We
were enjoying the movie when it was time for a short break on the channel. But
nobody moved.

Until a condom ad appeared on the
screen.

My mother gave up first. Muttering
about tiredness, she quickly vanished. Grandma followed her in the next second.
There remained only me, my brother and my father. Eyes averted from both of
them, I kept repeating in my mind- It’s educational, it’s educational, it’s
educational…..

Mr. Besharam came back from the
loo, busy with the zip of his loose pant, saw the condom ad on TV and then
stopped in his tracks. After a few seconds, he bellowed in his aggravated
voice,