Coca-Cola to Test New Coke Nega in Seattle

In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*1075

Share this:

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Share this:

Atlanta-based Coca-Cola Company announced Monday that it will begin testing of a new soft drink in five markets across the United States, including Seattle. Dubbed Coke Nega, the new offering is “110% calorie, caffeine, carb, and taste-free,” according the company.

“The soft drink-buying public’s reception of Coke Zero since its introduction in 2005 has been phenomenal,” said Coca-Cola spokesman Rob Morton. “But we told our beverage engineers that people hated it and were rioting on the streets calling for their heads, so they have been working non-stop since then to come up with the next great Coke.”

Seattle was chosen for the test after a visiting Coca-Cola executive overheard someone in an area grocery store comment that “if they came out with something like Coke Zero, but even zero-ier, I could really get excited about that.”

“We really feel that the Seattle market will be a good test for Coke Nega,” said Morton. “Seattle’s extremely anti-social climate will allow us to determine how well the product can do without any word-of-mouth advertising,” he explained.

“The name ‘Coke Nega’ comes from the fact that the drink is actually infused with negative calories,” explained Morton. “Drinking Coke Nega is like un-drinking other soft drinks.”

Coke Nega will be sold at grocery stores and mini-marts from September through May of next year in Seattle, Minneapolis, Duluth, Miami, and Anchorage. Coke Nega should not be consumed by women that are pregnant or nursing, children under the age of fifteen and a half, or individuals with a body mass index less than thirty.

Share this:

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

“As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs,” said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

In response to the very utterance of the world’s favorite bureaucrat, stock prices surged in yet another record-setting rally—an undeniably positive sign that experts say signals an end to the economic crisis for the seventeenth time in the past six months.

Share this:

When you moved to the city to be close to all the amenities that Seattle has to offer, you forgot to consider one important factor: living in the city means living close to other people—yuck.

Unfortunately, if you want to live in the city (and who doesn’t), you are going to have neighbors. Dealing with people can be a stressful experience, but there are some easy tricks you can use to diffuse the situation when your neighbors get on your nerves.

Share this:

In a press conference from Jerusalem on Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced the stunning findings of a team of Iran’s best genealogists: Ahmadinejad is a sixteenth Jewish.

A stunned silence fell upon the roughly 200 members of the press, most of whom expected the revelation to be followed by an explosive tirade against Israel. Instead, Ahmadinejad calmly explained that he now realizes that his previous “annihilate Israel” platform may have been unnecessarily harsh, and that he intends to fully embrace his newly-discovered Jewish heritage.

“In the past, when I said that ‘anybody who recognizes Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation’s fury,’ I was speaking from an outsider’s misunderstanding of what it means to be Jewish,” said Ahmadinejad as he donned a traditional kippah. “It turns out that the Zionist regime really isn’t that bad after all.”