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Cait caught the episode before I did -- Monday morning (I was sleeping). The night before we'd been maniacally hunting the internet for uploaded episodes, searching YouTube like 5x11 was an easter egg (or an afikkomen) while Crystal and Tara were partying in Austin. No dice. So ... I woke up on Monday still unawares and Cait told me right away: "You can't recap The L Word this week, your head will explode, possibly it's time to quit. " [She was kidding, don't panic.] I muttered something about how I can't quit now, 'cause people will yell at me. So Monday night, upon our return, I gathered with Natalie, Alex, Cait and Crystal from Australia to do this bitch.

Surprisingly enough, when the credits of our DVR-ed copy started rolling, I lay on the carpet (my favorite position from which to pontificate misery) and moaned: "OH MY GODDDD I am not recapping that episode!" It wasn't that it was so terrible or wonderful, but parts of it felt ... well ... true . To me. I won't tell you which parts, 'cause I'm a spy, like Niki in Liquid Heat, watch me watch me zip around on my motorcycle, drop-kick feelings like doors, rip off my mask to find another mask underneath.

Also, no one had sex, there was a lot of fighting, Bette and Jodi wore matching outfits FOR THE ENTIRE EPISODE and as for the smoking gun ... omg. What can anyone really say about that? I'm not using the word "retarded" anymore, so I'm at a loss for words.

--1. I said I wasn't going to spell "Niki" wrong anymore (One K, not two!), and then, two lines later, busted out with not one but TWO Nikkis-with-two-Ks. That's 'cause I believe in the Power of Two, like the Indigo Girls.2. "Wreaking" not "reeking"! Thanks Jasmine!3. Everyone who writes lists/round-ups of the best parts of the recap is my hero. That's not a correction, it's an affirmation.4. When Bette told Tina she liked her pants, I think it was not a blooper. I think it was in the script.5. Someone called me out via email for my liberal application of the word "retarded" as an insult. Generally my response to being called out for offensive material is "you're wrong, retard," but in this case, she does have a point -- it's like using "gay" as a derogatory term -- it's reinforcing the concept that mentally disabled or homosexual is inherently "bad" or "dumb." I do cringe a little inside every time I use that word, I just like the way it sounds so much. Anyhow: no more. (Sidenote: This'll probs work as well as the Niki thing.)6. Someone on The L Word Online was asking about where to find my recaps from prior seasons. All my Season Four Recaps are on The L Word Online here (or see sidebar on Autostraddle) I did recap Season Three on my blog -- mainly just to flex my recapping abilities and establish a system before starting Season Four with spell-check and a more consistent format. They're um ... embarrassing, but ...here.7. Marcel Proust is a French writer, his most famous book is "Remembrance of Things Past," he coined the term "involuntary memory" or "Proustian Memory." Among most important novelists ever.--Episode 1000: Littlefoot.--

Where's Tanya/Tonya/LaToya? "Shtupping the Plumber" Anyone? Jenny's watching a rough cut of the table-throwing scene. The Pluto Cafe has the same wallpaper as Bev & Nina's bathroom, which's cute, never can get too much of a good thing (sarcasm). Y'know, this could be a good movie but ... I don't think that's what lesbians really look like, they're all so white and skinny and rich and feminine, look at their long hair and fancy clothing! Where's the real lesbians with big butts who listen to womyn's music and fix their own cabinets? This is not the way that we live.

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When You're Done Whining and Taking Things Back: Bev says she knows they're all sitting there judging her. She deserves it: she fucked up. But she was just at the plumber's inspecting her pipes wink wink, and told her Nina's the love of her life. It'd seem Jenny's taken some liberties with this happy ending to fit what Jenny told Niki she wants for Nina & Bev -- "they never should've broken up. " Either Jenny believes in love fo'real or a NinaBever chased Jenny across the parking lot and threatened to run her over with a tractor-trailer if she didn't reunite Nina & Bev.

They decide to make up and set aside time for their relationship, like for poetry, butterflies, and vaginal penetration. Perfect, 'cause Nina's preggers! Really though I think Elise is the one itching to be a Mom, she's wearing a smock from Gymboree. This film'll have about as much mainstream appeal as Go Fish , fo'serious.

--Lesbian Squabble #32: I Suggest a)Midol, b)Alcohol, c)Xanax In the Ring: Everyone! Ring Around the Rosie! Content: At The Planet, everyone's PMS'ing. Max says Jodi's been in touch with Tom. I'd hope so, considering he's her interpreter, I'm not certain how she's gone on this long without him. Jenny can't stand it when sisters fight, but Alice snaps back that Jenny doesn't have to direct today, this isn't a scene in her movie. Which's unfortunate, this scene could use a purple dildo or ten. Alice and Tasha accuse each other of having PMS and Tina thinks Shane should pay attention to her own call time, she can't depend on Tina to tell her everything all the time! Who Wins? Apparently Max and Kit do, as they share a trannie/post-menapausal moment about not having to go through PMS anymore. In fact, Kit says "I second that emotion," which's um, AMAZING!-- Lesbian Squabble #33: The Ballad of Dawn and Lover Cindi In the Ring: Denbo & Lover Cindi vs. The Planet Content: Denbo & Lover Cindi, super-stealth spies, tracked down Ivan, who owns 51% of The Planet, and bought it. Wouldn't Ivan ask Kit before doing that? Jeez, Kit's life on this show has been one unpleasantry after another. That's fine, Cindi & Dawn will have to answer to Jesus one day, and we'll see what happens then. Tasha tells them to get the fuck out of there, 'cause she's Captain Williams from the army. Kit reacts by upturning the table, which's fantastic, there goes another 2% of The Planet down the tubes (table, chairs, food, dishes, glasses, etc.). Cindi & Dawn say they'll be back with a decorator 'cause the place needs a "serious makeover." When Kit storms off, she looks like she's got a gimp leg or a hot dog stuck up her poonany, just sayin'. Who Wins? Evil evil people with no souls all over the world. And Ivan, she was apparently delighted to sell out her share of The Planet. Bitch.--Not Cool, Double D.--

Is it Better Than Keeping My Mouth Shut? Jodi strides in, ominous double bass begins. You know in high school choir, they'd tell everyone to wear a certain color scheme, like red & black, and everyone does their own thing? Bette & Jodi appear to be rockin' that concept today. The matching outfit situation will continue to grate at me for the remainder of the episode.

--My Sick Guilt is So Unwelcome:Tina: Jodi, I am so sorry.QUOTE OF THE WEEK #1: Jodi: Why is she talking to me? Doesn't she know I'm deaf? (Amazing!) ----

Dentist Appointment, Anyone? Ilene copy-pasted Bev & Nina's opening into this scene -- Jodi wants to spend time together, so Bette reschedules her morning meetings to talk it out, which indicates she's feeling guilty, or possibly also concerned about professional repercussions. Specifically she asks James to reschedule her meeting with Phyllis -- big relief to Cybill probs who, along with Clementine, wasn't under contract for this episode. Bette tells James to tell Phyllis she's got "wicked PMS." Surfing the crimson wave, where's William?

Jodi understands if Bette needs to go to work. Silly Jodi, no one on this show actually needs to go to work!! Bette says it's okay, her "relationship" with Jodi is the most important thing in the world to her. I don't think that's true. Then she gets into her Lexus RX350, which I suspect is slightly more important to her than Jodi.

--

Your House or Mine I Don't Really Care About it Anymore: Max asks if Bette and Tina are moving in together, Tina says they aren't making any plans 'til Bette talks to Jodi -- they're trying to do it right, carefully, responsibly this time. Learned from their mistakes, perhaps, or concerned about Ange? Shane commends Tina for her maturity and holding back so long. A text informs Tina of a mix-up with a morning meeting and everyone's concerned about Adele's behavior for different reasons. Now Tina's actually gotta go to work! She's like a doctor with a pager. Max is now keeping his thoughts to himself, re: Adele. Like this one:

--Lesbian Squabble #34: But I Didn't Mean To Break Your Heart In the Ring: Bette vs. Jodi Content: I'll just um, tell you.-- Jodi: You don't get to do this. You have no right to be the one who does this. Bette: I'm sorry. Jodi: Sorry is bullshit. Sorry is when you step on someone's toe, not when you crush them and chew them up and spit them out. Bette: I never meant to.. I never meant for this to happen. Jodi: What happened? I don't even know what's happening. Everyone else seems to know, but I am in the dark here.Jodi: Did you and that woman fuck? Bette: I don't know who you're talking about. Jodi: Did you fuck her? Are you fucking? How long has this been going on? Bette: It's not about fucking. (Bette looks sad, holds her head, wants to cry) Bette: I don't know how it happened. I think that, Tina and I we just, we just never really finished and we have Angelica. Jodi: I know you have Angelica. Bette: It's not just about Angelica. We have so much history, and there's ... I don't think that we realized how strong the connection ... and there's just still so much that hasn't been resolved. Jodi: And fucking her resolved it? Bette: I told you -- Jodi: I know. It's not about fucking -- I know. Jodi: Are you in love with her? Bette: It's very complicated. Jodi: Of course it's complicated. I asked you if you love her. Bette: Yes. I love her. Jodi: Do you love me? Bette: [closes her eyes to deliver this potential lie] : Yes. I love you. I do. Jodi: Do you think it's possible to be in love with more than one person? Can you love two people at once? ... [suddenly changes relationship philosophy] No, no, no ... I don't think it's possible ... [goes and sits down next to Bette] I know that I love you to the exclusion of everyone else. I'm going to fight for you. --Jodi, That is What We Call A Bad Idea.--

Get Me Out the Door, Out of Bed or Onto Track, I'm Not Sure: Alice & Tasha are house hunting. Tasha's not into living somewhere with rent eight times her Long Beach place, but Alice says they don't have to split it down the middle. If she gets the gig on The Look, they'll be rich! Alice: don't count her chickens before they hatch, 'cause what if they're podcast chickens and not television chickens, that's a lot of chicken, let's go to Boston Market, hi-ho-the-dairy-o! Alice hopes Tasha bleeds soon. She will be when you go to KFC and get some sporks and have a poking party. I mean, when she gets her period. America Voted, and the results are in:

I Used to Be a Superhero, No One could Touch Me, Not Even Myself : Jodi never wanted to love somebody this much. This isn't her style, and it's one thing to be disarmed -- when you're normally the one with armour around your heart, thick as thieves -- and another thing to be disarmed and then fucked over for it. It confirms that style you clung to beforehand; all the protecting, the walls.

I Make Myself Unhappy So You'll Go: Jodi tries to make out w/Bette, and Bette sticks in it long enough to be polite but can't do it for long -- she retreats. quickly.

--

Time You've Got me Running: Tina's about to text Bette that she misses her and hopes it's not too awful with Jodi when she's interrupted by a stunning woman in a bandana! Sam's conversational & friendly, and asks how the bike ride was. "Hard," Tina says, and she's not just talkin' about Tom's boner for Max.

--Sam: Well, you're in good shape. Tina: Not really. Not how I thought I was. --

They agree that Jenny's talented and they're making a great movie, which's just in time for Aaron to call them into the conference room to fire Jenny.

--

Fasten Your Seatbelts, It's Gonna Be a Bumpy Board Meeting: Tina's like "What now?" Surprise! Adele has the sex tape. Aaron's number one feeling seems to be, "This is the best video I've seen all day, so much better than the Nina-Bev feelings-fest."

--

Purple Tie's #1 feeling: "So that's how girls fuck!"Manager's #1 feeling: "That reminds me of this one time in band camp ..."--

--Jenny's #1 feeling: "That was a private tape."Tina's: "Enough!"--Adele's Number One Feeling: Rat.

I Can't Believe I Let You In: Purple Tie snags the tape from the VCR. Adele says that there's 25 more copies, all logged, addressed and ready for shipping to Leno, Letterman, Fox, Ellen, Perez Hilton, and all these other people who may or may not have actual interest in screening a sex tape. I mean, really, Ellen? She's gonna be like "OMG, this nice woman from Wisconsin called me and has a cute dog, let's interview Ashton Kutcher, who wants to dance, let's watch Jenny and Niki fuck with a strap on! I don't think you're ready for this jelly!"

--Give Me the Video! -- [after Adele shares her superior logging/editing/shipping skills]Riese : She learned Final Cut way faster than I did. Cait: I know, I'm just saying can she do our movie?[about Uh Huh Her]--

Adele says it's not about what she wants, it's about this "incredibly important and powerful and significant" film that has the power to change hearts and minds and change the lives of millions. It's like Lez Girls is the new LSD. Adele says it ought not be tainted by the inexcusably reckless and "entitled" behavior of the very few people entrusted with this opportunity. Never fear, Jenny's gonna call William and tell him how disgusting Adele is. That'll be a big news flash. Unfortunately, Adele's been working all season to establish William's trust and she's already got him in her lair: "He agrees with me that the situation's become untenable." Suddenly Adele's busting out with all these three-syllable words, that bitch is out of control.

--

I Think It's Best We Do A Little Bit of Stopping: Jodi's on top of Bette trying to get it on. It's kinda hard to watch. The phone rings, Jodi develops super-hearing-powers and hangs it up, lest it distract her world of deafness. Bette pushes Jodi away.

Lesbian Squabble #35: I Want Your Lungs to Stop Working Without Me In the Ring: Jodi vs. Bette Content: Bette: Where are you going? Jodi: To go kill myself. Bette: Please, please don't do this. Jodi: Let me go, please let me go. Bette: I can't let you go. Jodi: Why, can't you make up your mind? I thought you wanted to get rid of me. Bette: I can't let you go when you're threatening to kill yourself. Jodi: I'm not going to kill myself over you. Don't flatter yourself. Bette: Jodi. I really care for you so deeply, and I am not going to walk away and just turn my back on you and let you hate me. I'm going to fight for this relationship. --

You Won't Get Better Til You Get Worse: See, um, Jodi, as soon as you start threatening suicide, you auto-lose, that's a low blow, it's unfair, it's unkind, it's mean. Also, Bette, your usage of the word "relationship" is troubling. Clearly Jodi's got a lot of feelings and you shouldn't fuck with the fire, this is going someplace terrible fast, I hope Kit's hidden the gun. I think bette just doesn't want Jodi to not like her and say mean things about her to other people, is what it is. Also ...

I Went So Crazy I Didn't Know What To Do: Bette says she's gotta go to school and she has meetings and Jodi says Bette needs to have respect for her. She's talking crazy. "I'll come with you to school and we'll talk when you finish your meeting." Bette says okay. You guys, I have this weird feeling that this isn't going to work out.

--

Who Wins? Um. Tom, he got the day off for sure!

--

If Love Is Surrender, Then Who's War Is it Anyway?: Back on the happy-go-lucky set of the most important movie ever made That Will Change the Life Of Lesbians Forever, Shane's fluffing Niki's hair while ominous music plays. Jenny storms in dressed like the trenchcoat mafia. Not the best way to rally a crowd of Hollywood sheep, but she probs didn't have enough time to cross-stitch a petticoat for herself today. Jenny tells Niki that "someone" is trying to extort the production using the Pink Ride tape. Kevin tells Niki to get away from Jenny and Jenny points out that Kevin don't care about Niki, he just wants his paycheck. That's true. Apparently he's not alone in this emotion.

-- Jenny Moment: I want you guys to know what's going on here. That these people, they're treacherous, and they're soulless, and they're trying to ruin this movie! ... So if anyone has any integrity -- come with me! You can come with me -- you can stand up to these people! So who wants to come with me? Who's with me?--Alex: I'm taking the goldfish! Does anyone get it? I'm taking the goldfish! Riese: Yes, Jerry Maguire, it's time for Dorothy to stand up and go-- Alex: I'm with you!--

Lesbian Squabble #36: What The Snowman Learned About Love In the Ring Basically it's Jenny vs. Adele, but its' really Jenny vs. Evil Hollywood. Content: After Jenny's speech, the only person who's with her is Shane, because Shane's the only person in the room with a soul, which is why I love Shane and hate the entire world.--I mean, seriously, all these people work in Hollywood and you expect them to have souls suddenly? It's just like Jerry Maguire . Also! Jenny's not allowed to suddenly have morals and expect everyone to change. But maybe this is her big revelation: that she thought the system was on her side, but it's not. It never is. Tina wants to walk out with Jenny to show her support. Jenny asks Niki to come with her but Niki won't. She's under contract. Jenny's heartbroken. Sidenote; her hair looks bad today, it's like my Samantha doll.Who Wins? Satan.---- Sam: "How are we supposed to film without a director?" Aaron: "The director is here."--Cue Music:Everyone's totally chill, like "let's roll." Which goes to show you that they don't have souls, like I said.--Lesbian Squabble #37: I'll Come Get You, And I'll Say Welcome Home In the Ring: Alice vs. Tasha Content: Tasha: Our relationship will be out of balance if you pay more than half of the rent. Alice: I will be out of balance if you make me live in a shithole. Tasha: A shithole? This is nicer than anyplace I've ever lived in.

I LOL'ed. And I get it -- and I think Alice's right. If she's making more $$ than Tasha, then the percentage of her income spent on rent will be identical to Tasha's. And it's not 'cause Alice works more or harder (then it'd be out of balance), but 'cause she works for The Man and therefore makes more money. Also, I think Tasha's unemployed, but I imagine she'll get a good job sooner or later, or possibly never, 'cause that'd be easier for the writers than having to explain why yet another character is always at The Planet. I wonder how much Alice's paying for the hallway and sitting area she currently lives in. Why doesn't Tasha just move there?--

Speaking of Not-Shitholes, Let's Talk About my TIVO!: Alice says they'll talk about it after her taping but Tasha didn't know that Alice wanted her to go to the taping, she was looking forward to going out to Long Beach to see her friends. You know, her real friends who live in shitholes. Alice should hire her at OurChart, that seemed to solve all the class tension between Max and the gang.

--Who Wins? That remains to be seen.--Lesbian Squabble #38: I Scream So Loud You Call the Police On MeIn the Ring: Tina vs. Jenny Content: Jenny's gotta get outta this place! To the trailer! Get away Tina! Tina makes her calm down and listen up: don't do anything to retaliate, talk to your agents, then later talk to Niki if you wanna. She's like a Kindergarten teacher all of a sudden. Unfortunately, Niki is dead to Jenny, so unless Niki has an intimate relationship with the special effects guys and waterfalls, they won't be having a conversation any time soon. Tina needs time to figure out how to fix this. The way she's enunciating, it'd seem she needs time to remember her lines, let's get on with it. Who Wins? They make up! See, sometimes fights end in hugs and declarations to change the future of lesbian moviemaking for everyone. They're like, "it's our movie!" OMG, it's like OurChart! Our Movie, Our Chart, let's all be friends plus right now!!! It is their movie though 'cause it's about them. Like, for real. About them. Not about Bette though, she's made that crystal-clear.--

If My Life Were a Movie There Would be a Sunset and the Camera Would Fade Away: Adele is directing the Begonia/Niki love scene, she's being really creepy. Niki keeps fucking up, but Adele walks her through it step by step, like a creepster who's watched too much lesbian porn or possibly read Lez Girls and Some of her Parts a million times. She tells Niki to close her eyes like she's not in control of her own body. Maybe that's how Adele sleeps at night, I dunno. "Not my fault, not in control of my own body!" Adele goes: "That's nice," like a TOTAL WEIRDO.

Also Though About the Squirrels?:The Look is doing a fashion week show about a "super hot super androgynous" new designer. The important part of this scene is how cute Alice is, even though she happily employs the label "femme," which irks me. Alice adds that she's "totally girly girl, dresses, girlish pumps," and then kicks her leg in the air, which's the closest thing we get to a sexy moment all episode. Then she amps up the camp and exclaims: "Thank you, but bring on those boyish babes and their hot fall fashion! Whew!" Really, she's a natural, it's kinda unnerving. I guess this is "fun gay."

Alice: "Oh come on Mary, you know you wanna try it, all you straight girls do." Hassleback: "Well, I don't." Alice: "Tsk tsk doth protest too much." Hassleback: "Well I don't know what you're insinuating but I'll have you know not everyone is gay!" Alice: "And thank GOD for that!"You told her to out someone every week, what did you expect. Also I'd like to remind everyone where Mary's haircut comes from:--

It's true, though, that line from Shakespeare or wherevs about doth protesting too much. 'Cause like, if you do -- then you probs are, hello, look at all the Evangelical Christian dudes who end up sucking cock in gas stations all along the Bible Belt.

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Dear Mr. Redacted: Kit's going crazy. She gets the gun from the safe and stares at it like she did with that vodka bottle last season to debate drinking it. I won't say anything about other things she could do with that long, cold metal object, because I'm not like that. She loads the gun. Kit has a lot of private struggles.

Man! I Feel Like a Woman :Androgynous butch fashions, apparently, are a dab of Pink Ladies (interesting) with a slash of Annie Lennox (appropriate). The Ladies ask Clea what inspires her to dress women ... she's a fashion designer, and almost all fashion designers design clothing for women, because women are half the population. Except the Men's Warehouse Guy. He's a Man's Man. For the purposes of setting up sexual tension between Alice and Clea, Alice randomly asks Clea about underwear. Kinda rude, actually, if I were Clea, I'd be like "Really, my clothes were that bad that now you just wanna talk about sex?" But I guess that's Alice in Lesboland for ya. Maybe Clea's her outing of the week. I could go skiing on Mary's hair. I think Alice and Clea should take the Cosmo romance compatibility quiz.

Alice : So let's talk underwear. What do you like women to wear under your clothes? Clea: Well, I like boxers or briefs because it sort of makes you feel like a 14-year-old boy. Alice: Which is liberating for women ... and totally hot! [YEAH! 14 year old boys! Bring on the acne, voice cracking and random erections! I am Cornholio!]Clea: I think it's also hot to wear lingerie under men's clothes. Alice: I think it's also hot to wear Auto-Straddle boy briefs. Clea: Oh definitely! Those are the hottest fashions, all the cool androgynous girls are wearing them. In fact, that's how I won the GenArt Fashion show and got this cute accent! Alice: OOO! You look very Shane today! Clea: Wait a second, I didn't say this in the show. Is Riese making stuff up? Alice: Look here, you Smokin' Hot Piece of Automatic Australian Ass, Riese can say whatever she wants, she's been typing for 24 straight hours and is eating her fourth string cheese of the day. Clea: OOO! I love string cheese! Alice: I love time travel! Clea: Wanna see Riese -- and Alex's ass -- in Autostraddle Briefs? Alice: Oh do I EVER!Clea: Let's make out! Alice: I can't, I love Tasha!Clea: Threesome?Alice: OK, I just hope she doesn't bleed all over us. You know how women, once a month, get a special visit from their "Auntie"--Clea: I'm from New Zeland, not the moon, weirdo.Alice: Let's get out of this fake dialogue that Riese is making up and onto the next scene, then Riese can have another string cheese.--

The Moral Is Listen to the Two-Spirit: Tina's on the DL about why Jenny got fired, which doesn't make sense, clearly Jenny's gonna tell Shane later, they're besties. It's probs her new Facebook status: "Jenny is PISSED about getting fired for expressing her sexuality!" Shane apologizes for leaving Tina w/o a hair-fluffer and girl-flirter but Tina says it'll be fine. She's just worried about Niki and I suppose consequently her golden tresses. Shane's like, "Fuck Niki!" YEAH! That's right! Tina defends Niki; it would've been a breech of contract, she had no choice, but Shane's like, um, bullshit. I agree. What about the contract between humans and their SOULS? What about LOVE CONTRACTS? Oh well, better she knows now that Niki is a twat. Should've listened to Max is all I can say. He's an oracle, just like the trannies of yore. Seriously I'm not kidding. I feel like I talk a lot of crazy in this recap.

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If Things Go Well I Might Be Showing Her My "Oh" Face: Jodi and Bette are in Bette's car, stuck in traffic. Natalie thinks this is like Office Space , but I think that's just 'cause she watches Office Space every night and thinks everything that happens in real life is sort of like Office Space. Seriously, every night. If they go to a restaurant, Nat'll probs be like "OMG, just like in Office Space when they eat in a restaurant!" Bette should turn on NPR just to piss her off, and then laugh when Ira Glass makes jokes. JK, i love deaf people. P.S., I think Angie escaped from her carseat.

Hmm ... like Office Space ...--

Kit's driving to SheBar to pull a Pulp Fiction, this scene makes my eyes bleed. She calls Bette and tells her ...

Kittism: "Bette ... I'm in trouble. I'm gonna do something BAD." --

If I got that message, I'd be a little bit confused. What happened when Bette DID get that message? That was never addressed, how strange, The L Word is usually so on top of everything. Speaking of topping ...

--

The Night of the Living Vortex: OMG JAMES IS BACK! Obviously he rescheduled all Bette's meetings, because he is James and he is perfect. W magazine wants Jodi and Bette to do a cover as the art-power-lesbian couple. Bette says it's her favorite magazine, which obviously James already knew. Jodi's a hot mess -- Bette says no to the mag, Jodi says yes. Who cares, did anyone else notice James' super-cute Canadian accent all of a sudden? Maybe it's Minnesota. I don't know. Rewind, replay, you'll see what I'm talking about.

--Alex does a headstand for James!--

1995 Called, It Can't Find Its Hair Gel: The Look is over, thank G-d, I'm sure Mary's hair was begging for sweet mercy. Alice asks, so cute I could die: "Do your cheeks hurt from all the smiling you have to do?" but they're robots who've just powered off and cannot speak. They exit. She continues: "Can I get a water? ... no? No? Okay."

Is That An OB In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?: Alice leaves some crazy housewives of Orange County fans to talk to Fashion Girl, who nervously invites Alice to her Venice boardwalk fashion show. Sparks fly, then Clea says: "I think you have a fan." Alice turns around -- it's Tasha! Tasha doesn't wanna meet Clea Mason, she don't care about that shit, which I love about Tasha ... but still, I'm not sure this'll work in the long run, sigh.

Alice is surprised to see her. Tasha got there late -- phew, she missed the flirtdown. Alice sometimes does things without realizing it -- like flirt with a girl and then be totally overjoyed to see her actual girlfriend as though she's not flirting.

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Password on Sleep!: Jodi is using Bette's computer!!! OMG that is so not okay, I'd be having a total panic attack, I've got this hot strap on sex tape on there. JK. That one was for All About Adele.

Lesbian Squabble #39: We Are No Scarlett and Natalie, Woman. In the Ring: Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd and Miss Piggie, Your Mom and My Mom, OMG, this episode is not bad-- like it's pretty well-written -- but it also just like hurts . Content: Bette says they can't be in the piece, 'cause it's dishonest. It's about couples and they aren't a couple. This isn't complicated, it's like how I can't be on the cover of Ranger Rick 'cause I'm not a raccoon, but Jodi doesn't get it 'cause Bette used the word "relationship," not friendship, when citing what she wanted to fight for. I think Bette did that to be manipulative. Jodi suggests therapy but Bette's had enough therapy. She's been like twice but I get it, sometimes being a lesbian feels like constant therapy. Jodi could perhaps use some solo therapy though, just an idea.--

Bette: "Jodi, I wanted so much for this relationship to work. I love who you are. I love how you stand in the world. I love your talent, I love your passion, I love your anger. But you and I are just fundamentally different. We have different core values." Jodi: "What are my values?" Bette: "It doesn't matter. It's not a judgment. What matters is that there's been something missing for me, something that is hard to define. And I have been desperately trying to create this thing and just looking for it but I ... I've been just flailing. And I realize now that you and I ... we're never gonna find it." Jodi: "How do you know?" Bette: "Because I have it with someone else."--Who Wins?: Tina, "Tibetters" everywhere. Not actual Tibet the country, they're not winning right now. But Tibette, the movement. If you like Tibette, perhaps you'd also be interested in helping the people of Tibet the country, things are really bad right now. Genocide against peace-loving people. Just throwin' it out there.--

If You Go, You Go: I have nothing to say about this speech besides that the familiarity was unnerving ... let's move right along -- apparently they DO have a nanny! James said Melissa's got 'food poisoning" (that's nanny-code for vicious hangover) and can't pick Angie up from playgroup. Bette calls Tina.

--

Why Do They Always Look Like Unhappy Rabbits?: The cast of Lez Girls did NOT sign on to do an Adele Channing movie. They signed on to do a Jenny Schecter movie, the most prestigious director in town. I'm guessing they're also annoyed that they never got the lesbian sex coach. Um, also, Adele's last name isn't Channing, it's Harrington -- maybe this is -- OMG! -- a Margo Channing reference! Get it? Get it? The puzzle pieces clicking into space? Fishy. OMG it's like that movie Office Space . Wait, no it's not. It's like All About Eve, as I've said all along. Tina says it happens all the time, directors get replaced. Then Bette calls re: Angie @ playgroup. Tina can't get her either but they don't talk about how to actually get Angelica, I'm sure she likes playgroup and will be happy as a clam there. I hear Jenny's schedule just opened right up. So did Shane's. Jacks-of-all-trades, those girls.

--

Really Papi? This whole scene is one big kittism. Seriously. Kit stealthily creeps into Shebar, witnesses Dawn telling Lover Cindi she wants some Lovin' before showtime (Showtime: No Limits!) and then, just in time! Bette calls about needing someone to pick up Angie from playgroup. Jodi's probs super bored since she can't hear anything. Kit says she'll do it, and then she makes eye contact with Lover Cindi, and in that moment, everyone's life changes dramatically.

--

Probs Auto-Straddle Boy Briefs: Jodi has a lot of problems. She wants to go to Bette's and get her jewelry and her favorite underwear. I don't know why you'd leave your favorite underwear at someone else's house, but okay.

--

I Was Gonna Go to Work, But Then I Get High: Shane and Jenny are toking up, the background music is "Changes," a soul song that features the lyric "only women bleed." Get it? LUNAR CYCLE? They're so cute when they're stoned, these girls. They just need a little relaxation clearly.

----Jenny: "Never again am I going to avail myself to somebody with such generosity and an open heart and teach her everything I know." Shane: "You can't let Adele to do that to you." Jenny: "No, I'm talking about Niki." --

Oh Life! Was Supposed to be a Film! Was Supposed to be a Thriller! Was Supposed to End in Fire! But Life Turns Out It's Nothing But a Dream, And I Don't Miss it When It's Gone: Shane says that Niki is a whore who should be on the cover of Maxim. Luckily she already is on the cover. Jenny says it's okay, she's over Niki, fuck that bitch, Niki is dead to her. Unlike Shane, who's very much alive and they're giving each other flirty eyes. Or stoner eyes, depending on how you'd like to interpret this scene/life. Shane points out that Niki's an actress and therefore a liar, another good point from Yoda. Jenny keeps switching who she's talking about (Adele/Niki) but really the bottom line is they both fucked her over ... although I think that's karma for being such a twat at the season's start, ... even though as you know I love Jenny. Shane says Adele is a snake, I think she stole that from Survivor .

Cait: That is the most comfortable hoodie ever. Riese: You can just feel the soft fabric on your skin ... omg ... ----Shane: "I admire you." Jenny: "You do?" Shane: "I think you're a real survivor. Ever since you've got here -- seriously -- you got knocked down a few times but look at you you got back up and you wrote your story and you put it out there -- that's big. I haven't done it." --

The Butter Melts Out of Habit, The Toast Isn't Even Warm: You guys! It's just like me except I haven't finished my book yet! I think everyone forgot that Jenny's been through some shit ... yeah, she's been unbearable, but she didn't come from paradise. Though Ilene destroyed the impact of Jenny's psychological reaction to her rape via carnival flashbacks, it's still quite something -- to live through, to speak of later, and publicly. Shane sees that. Which's why Jenny and Shane are secretly in love. Hey ... where's Molly? I do like Sholly, but it feels a little doomed 'cause Phyllis has a lot of bad feelings about it.

--

Honey You Are Safe Here, This is a Girl-Girl Thing: Jenny says Shane didn't have to go with her today in solidarity -- Jenny's been humbled today but okay let's be real here, clearly Shane never wants to go to work. But honestly, that's true -- she didn't have to -- and Shane's response is also true: "You gave me my job. You're my best friend. You know that. It's the truth." They have a moment. A Shenny Moment. I'm ready for them to get together, they'll be the new Alice and Dana ... and just like that, it'd all make sense in retrospect.

--

I'm So Unwelcome, So Unwelcome : Finally the Breakup Talk from Hell is over, and Jodi says Tom's coming to pick her up. Bette wants Jodi to read her speech -- she's clearly scared to lose the intellectual and professional relationship that works so well with Jodi -- but Jodi doesn't seem enthused about favors. Jodi gives Bette a box -- "This was gonna be your birthday present." I wish it was a music box with a ballerina in it. The L Word never acknowledges holidays, besides Angie's half-birthday. Oh wait, I think Alice gave Tasha a watch once -- popular gift (Remember Tim's stopwatch?) in WeeHo. Bette picks up Jodi's gift (also a watch), strokes it like it's super meaningful, like it's a poetry book or a mix CD. It's a watch. Is this product placement? I'm confused. I hope they celebrate Administrative Assistants Day, 'cause Tom and James could use an overpriced timepiece to sell on ebay.

--

It's Totally Tiresias : Jenny & Shane are in a little cuddle-puddle of cuteness when Max walks in all, "Hey guys!" in his flannel. Jenny goes: "Max, the oracle." Shane "Max, you're the shit. I gotta listen to uh -- you." Max says that they're so stoned. Jenny says that Adele has fucked her over and offers her cannibis. Max is totally nice about it. He's the Oracle, he doesn't need them, he's the seer, he's gonna go hang out with Zeus or Oedipus or whomevs. Fuck y'all mortals.

I think I Officially Have Max's Haircut.--

Happiness is NOT a Warm Gun: Kit's got some interesting coping strategies. Now she's talking to herself and preparing food, yelling to Angie "hang on, baby girl," as if Angie's in the other room banging on a pot, threatening to run away if she doesn't get her pudding. But when Kit enters her office: oh! the horror! Angie's found the GUN and she's aiming it at Kit! I think Angie's got a future in self-defense and archery. This scene is stupid. I was just glad when it was over. Except that Kit dropped the gun in the trash bin outside, and like a commenter pointed out, she's gonna be in TROUBLE if someone takes that gun and kills someone with it, as it's registered in her name.

I Love You, You Love Me, We're a Happy Gay Family: Kit ushers Angie back to safety in her swaddling arms. Angie babbles incomprehendably. She's the cutest baby in the world, I want to eat her cheeks. Back inside, we all enjoy the warm fuzziness of the part where they talk about what "A DAY" they've all had! Mommie needs a drink! The "all in one day" technique is one of Ilene's favorites.

Bette: "I promise you that Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi are not gonna get their hands on The Planet." Kit: "You know that's not what's important, what's important is this beautiful baby girl and her wonderful mommies!"--

Tina and Bette are going home ... TOGETHER. Let the bed death begin! JK, I think they'll be alright, those two, they're in it for life. Been around and come back to each other. Okay let's all hold hands and sing now. My head exploded about forty minutes into the episode, I've got no idea where it is now.

There was, strangely enough, no moment in this episode appropriate for the "LOL!" photograph.

--

The Round-Up:Lesbian Sexy Moments: ZERO this episode, 31 totalLesbian Squabbles: EIGHT this episode, 39 totalQuote of the Week: Alice & JodiOn a Scale of One to Ten: Zero sexy moments, eight squabbles. You do the math, I clearly cannot.--

The made up Alice and Clea dialogue made me LOL... like Out Loud for reals, you may have even heard me chuckling. Clea had a super hot accent, it makes me wonder what part of Australia I need to live in in order to obtain it.

Great recap as always. To give you one reply to your recap and answer one of your comments, Clea's (ML's) a New Zealand girl, not an Aussie. She does a good job trying to mute it, but it's stone in Heavenly Creatures. Ah, the Kiwi...

God help us during the finale...but I look forward to your elucidation of the madness...

first of all, melanie lynskawefawe is from new zealand, not australia - i think that's a major faux pas and crystal should have warned you about that one and CRYSTAL i am so disappointed in you for not picking that up. remember heavenly creatures? remember but i'm a cheerleader, when she was all BREAKFAST AT SIVIN! THEN GROUP THERAPY AT EIGHT! THEN... LLLLLUNCH!

this episode was awful and i am so sick of hearing about the LUNAR CYCLES of each individual character, like seriously, EVERY SCENE. i heard about it so much i started getting actual cramps. i am also sick of james and his awful sideburns.

however, that fake dialogue knocked it out of the park. well done you.

"Bette says it's okay, her 'relationship' with Jodi is the most important thing in the world to her. I don't think that's true. Then she gets into her Lexus RX350, which I suspect is slightly more important to her than Jodi."

hi-larious.

i cant find any info on james anywhere. he only exists on the lword, im afraid.

Ok, I’ve been reading your recaps foreves, and they’re always hilarious. However, this one was especially so that it has finally moved me to quit lurking and comment! How could I not praise a recap that referenced both the trannies of yore and sporks?

-I agree, Betty should def. amend the theme song. “Kissing, thinking, dreaming…fixing cabinets!” -Does anyone ever get to enjoy a breakfast at The Planet without it being flung on the floor in a dramatic, table flipping confrontation?-HOW did I not notice that Bette and Jodi were matching?? Perhaps the uncomfortable-ness from my new and growing love for Marlee now having to coexist with my eternal dislike of Jodi temporarily blinded me. She has gotten especially weird in this episode. I’m with you, commandeering a girlfriend’s/friend’s/anyone’s computer is never cool.-Adele creeps me the hell out. How could Max be the only one to get the crazed weirdo vibe from her? It’s totes ridic.-This recap makes the 5th or 6th reference I’ve heard to All About Eve just this week. Now I feel like I need to Netflix it or something.-String cheese. For real. That is also my up late writing and/or don’t have time for breakfast food.

I also thought I’d fill you in on The 5 Quotes That Totes Made My Night:1.) “I could go skiing on Mary's hair” I LOLed. Best quote ever. Thank you for saying something about that ‘do. It’s very mullet-meets-wind tunnel.The other four, in no particular order:“I wonder how much Alice's paying for the hallway and sitting area she currently lives in.”“If you like Tibette, perhaps you'd also be interested in helping the people of Tibet the country”“This isn't complicated, it's like how I can't be on the cover of Ranger Rick 'cause I'm not a raccoon”And, of course-“It's probs her new Facebook status: ‘Jenny is PISSED about getting fired for expressing her sexuality!’”

Seriously, thanks for all the hard work you do on these recaps, Riese. For me, watching The L Word is 49% the actual show and 51% reading Autostraddle.

i personally loved the ep. especially the scenes with shane and jenny ('shenny' - awesome) getting high and hanging out as best friends do. honestly, that was the ultimate scene for me this season which kinda makes this ep one of my favs by default. also jenny and tina, hugging! aww..big deal, BIG DEAL! (clearly, I'm not interested in anyone else on the show haha)

PS> why why why did we have to hear Betty during the "the director is here" scene?

Just an observation...how ironic is it that Kit is still driving the car that Ivan refurbished for her. Especially after Ivan basically sold The Planet out from under her. I'd have rented a car or something. Or walked...since when is SheBar so far from The Planet Kit has to drive there to think about shooting ol' Double D and her ventriloquist doll Lover Cindy?

the whole paragraph where you explain natalie's office space obsession was my favorite part. brill. this whole thing was brill. the matching outfits made me insane and i can't believe they actually aired the "angelica with the gun" scene, what a disaster.

umm this episode kinda sucked. i still haven't watched the finale. ugh.