Friendship Problems: When Your Child Is Fighting with Her BFF - Page 2

Get the conversation started. While you shouldn't micromanage your child's social life, remember that you are still her emotional anchor, so get a dialogue going. By walking on eggshells around Matty during her friendship crisis, I wasn't as supportive as I could have been, say the experts I queried. "Kids want to tell their stories and feel safe doing so," says Jodi Campbell, supervisor of public education at the mental health organization KidsPeace. "So stay approachable, and let her know you're in listening mode," she adds. "For some kids, that can mean saying, 'Hey, if you want to go to Starbucks, I'm around today.'" Others may need a little cajoling to open up. Some hints: Use open-ended questions (ones that can't be answered with a yes or no), such as "I wonder why Jon acted that way?" Validate their emotions ("It must feel awful when Ann is so mean to you"), and avoid criticizing or giving advice while your kid is telling the story. "Saying, 'Wouldn't it have been better if you...?' shuts down the talk," says Campbell. "Save your pearls of wisdom for later."

Help your child gain perspective. In general, the younger the child, the more coaching she'll need. Consider the case of Melissa Leonard, a mom from Mamaroneck, NY. "My 9-year-old was being teased by a 'friend,' but she felt a strong sense of loyalty to this girl," says Leonard. "I sat down with my daughter, and we spoke about how true friends treat each other." In time, Leonard's daughter realized that the mouthy girl wasn't being a good pal.

If, however, you suspect your child's behavior led to the rift (you've noticed clingy or rude tendencies, say), let him know  gently. "Applaud his positive intentions in making friends," suggests Campbell, "but spell out that his actions aren't helping achieve the goal." Maybe your child tries to make friends by being funny, but winds up pushing kids away with cutting comments; help him recognize that, and talk about alternate strategies  e.g., telling jokes instead.

Cast a wider net. One thing I did do right with Matty: encouraging my daughter to join a community theater group and meet new people there. "Another circle of friends provides a fresh start, and a place to turn when things at school aren't working out," explains Campbell. It also helps kids understand that not every buddy has to be a BFF  a point worth mentioning directly to your kid. "School friends tend to be very tight, with the same history," says Campbell. "Sometimes it's healthy for kids to be in a more diverse group." She recently encouraged her 13-year-old twin sons to join a community soccer club outside their hometown of Bath, PA. "Now when they struggle with a friendship at school, I suggest they call one of their soccer pals," says Campbell.

Strike the phrase "best friend" from your vocabulary. It sets up unrealistic expectations for everyone, says Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. The seemingly deep bonds that kids form in elementary school often fall by the wayside in the tween years, and kids need to be reassured that it's normal  and healthy  to have friendships of varying intensity. "The notion of a lifelong best friend comes from movies and books," says Levine. "It's actually very rare in real life."

DON'T...

Downplay the hurt. The experts agree, don't minimize kids' feelings or say, "Don't worry, you'll make other friends." Instead, try a simple acknowledgment of what they're going through: "This must be tough for you" or "I'm so sorry; I wish I could make the hurt go away."

Badmouth the other kid. Comments like, "Hayley used to be so loud  you're better off without her," are best kept to yourself. "Kids pick up, drop, and pick up friends again," says Borba. "You don't want your words coming back to haunt you."

Call the other parents. Some years ago, my friend (I'll call her Sue) got involved in a tiff between her tween son and a neighborhood friend. Sue contacted the other parents in an attempt to smooth things over  only to have the mom recite a lengthy list of complaints about Sue's son. "Getting involved with the other family is a minefield  avoid it," says Hartley-Brewer. "Parents are naturally protective of their kid and rarely accept blame." It's also vital, she says, that kids sort things out for themselves: "If adults step in, it's a lost learning opportunity  and you're implying that your kid can't handle the situation himself."

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