elcome to the weekly UK Singles Jukebox: Radio Gaga round Three. Week Two saw Morrissey claim top place with his atrocious “Irish Blood English Heart” beating 411 and Raghav both by a mere 0.2 of a vote.

The format is simple: we take the cream of UK chartbound pop singles, get our reviewers to spew bile about them and tally up the average of their vicious scoring. Welcome to tha Terradome…

Kelis - Trick Me
[Virgin, 7.4]

Peter Parrish : The video is extremely red; Kelis has clearly taken a turn for the communist. This is something of a surprise, as “Milkshake” was quite obviously an expression of support for a McDonalds-fuelled capitalist economy. I’m not sure I can truly support an artist who has such a fickle grasp on political idealism. Luckily, the single is pretty decent, so maybe I can. [6]

Edward Oculicz: It's the soundtrack of an old-time movie but with added witty sleaze and smart-arse shellacking from Kelis to some stupid bastard who deserves to be
killed because THIS IS KELIS AND YOU DON'T FUCK WITH HER. The single cover shows her sucking on a lollipop, which is yet another reason why this is absolutely tremendous. [10]

Scott Mckeating: Nas is better than Jay-Z and Kelis is better than Beyonce. Tag team style they’d run those other two out of town. Kelis has a sense of humour (see “Milkshake” video), has better thighs (see all her videos), much better singles but still misses that killer album. For me this Dallas Austin produced number seems to slide somewhere between Ska and the Charleston and is tremendously good for short car journeys. [9]

Simon Hampson: This is a nice enough tune, although it's strangely forgettable despite being enjoyable, in a way that Kelis somehow
manages to do quite frequently (like the majority of her first album, for instance). Still, she did “Milkshake” and for that she'll always be one of my favourite people.[5]

Dom Passantino: Opens with a dirty skank…AND THAT’S JUST KELIS HERSELF!!!!11onerofl. But, yeah, a dusky reggae approximation, even some sampled “Woaaahhh”s get vaguely ruined when Kelis starts singing, and properly ruined when she delivers some weird ass 1997 girl group rap about halfway in. Maybe Common could freestyle over this beat on a Kanye West album. That’d be good. [7]

Jet – Are You Gonna Be My Girl?
[Elektra, 0.6]

Peter Parrish: Oh dear. Such a desperately strained attempt at ‘rocking out’ can only end in disaster. Is that riff stolen from Iggy? Didn’t that bassline come from somewhere else, too? HAVE WE ALL BEEN HERE BEFORE? The missing punctuation annoyed me too. Bah.[1]

Edward Oculicz: This was a terrible song last year. It's still a terrible song this year, except now people are having it foisted on them a second time. I have a feeling the UK single buying public don't enjoy having great heaping piles of shit placed on their plates and then being forced to ask for seconds. People who like this should be hurt with sharp things. [0]

Simon Hampson: Anyone who buys this record deserves to have their voting rights and other civil liberties removed; harsh
but fair. The very worst of the pitiful 'New Rock Revolution' (my whole body tenses even writing that phrase), they probably think that jaunty, irritating riff 'rocks' or something, but it doesn't. It's just shit, desperately weak shit. They think they sound like AC DC, but they don't, because they're shit. [1]

Dom Passantino: No, but if I ever catch you Mr. Jet Frontman you are gonna be my bitch. [0]

PJ Harvey – The Letter
[Island, 4.6]

Peter Parrish : Today’s singles are brought to you by the letters P and J, and the number 7. I don’t remember there ever being this much traumatic wailing in Sesame Street, but I guess they didn’t have to cope with the sheer volume of post that Ms. Harvey does. [7]

Edward Oculicz: I hadn't realised that "boring" was in PJ's repertoire up until this point, but this sounds like a boring version of "This Is Love". Rather appropriately for a song called "The Letter", the lyrics read better than they sound. [4]

Simon Hampson: She's never been quite as good as most people say, I think, but this single's all right. A bit of grit and grime to show the New Rock Revolution (why do I keep writing that hateful phrase?) cretins, and their legion of trucker hat wearing fans, how it should be done. She should do a song with Billy Childish though, if she hasn't already. [7]

Scott Mckeating: Not good at all, this is seriously uninteresting stuff. At least she keeps her kit on for the cover, we should be thankful for small mercies. Hopefully she’ll get back with Albini soon and get raw again. If this is the track she’s promoting her album with then it’ll be her first bargain bin entry.[3]

Dom Passantino Q Magazine wankfantasy returns with the least eagerly anticipated comeback since the Infitada. No discernable tune, even less discernable point, The Box Tops should slap her silly for daring to call a song “The Letter” as well. [2]

Deepest Blue – It Is A Sin
[Data, 2.8]

Peter Parrish : Trying to watch the video for this at the Deepest Blue site left me with no sound and an entirely black screen. Therefore, this track is a work of existential genius and should be heralded as a mighty triumph for philosophical art-pop. [5]

Simon Hampson: Didn't these used to be something to do with Massive Attack or something? What happened? If we want fake
'soulful' whining we'll go to Will Young. Now, back to your dark, apocalyptic trippity hop! [3]

Edward Oculicz: I may be a poptimist, but I'm not deaf.[1]

Scott Mckeating: I remember reading a quote a few months back in some woman’s glossy mag where it said that Deepest Blue were the new New Order. I really really wish I could find the source of this now but I can’t. This song creates a level of irritatibility which can only equaled by Des and Mel on daytime TV.[2]

Dom Passantino: You see, although Dave Pearce’s airtime being slashed to bits has been a good thing, the fact he’s been replaced by Zane Lowe is a bad thing. So, the future of 1FM holds less Deepest Blue, and more “OMG EMINEM IS TEH IMPORTANT CULTREL FIGURR!!!!111!” type moments. Joy. [3]

Kristian Leontiou – Story Of My Life
[Polydor, 2.6]

Peter Parrish : I was expecting a pleasant acoustic ballad type thing and...I got one. It’s never quite as much fun when you get exactly what you asked for at Christmas though, is it? [4]

Edward Oculicz: What a fantastic name he has, but even so this is both indefensible and insufferable. He really must mean what he's singing because he repeats bits of it without drums - that represents sincerity, right? It will be considered heartfelt and deep by fans of Dido and everyone else will be quite correct in seeing right through it. [2]

Simon Hampson: Why do so many people equate that nasal, trembling sound with 'singing with feeling'? Sometimes, the world confuses me so much and I end up hating the general public for making it this way. This single gets me right to that point in seconds.[1]

Scott Mckeating: I don’t really understand what he’s singing about and he looks like the ugly broken nosed one from Blue. Two reasons for this to find its way under my car’s wheels. This could be anyone’s single, so formulaic and reeking of fake Celine Dion emotion. Reminds me of Craig David for some inexplicable reason. [2]

Dom Passantino: You see, in the olden days if you had a voice this breathy and rubbish, they’d put you into a boy band wherein your failings could be disguised en masse. It’s a bit Bedingfield, all very sophisto-pop, like what they play in café bars that serve rocket with everything. Also if you misspell his name slightly, you’re going to be guaranteed ten, fifteen extra hits to your blog each day, so… yay. [4]

Evanescence – Everybody’s Fool
[Epic, 3.6]

Peter Parrish : Apparently, All About Eve merged with Nightwish; this wasn’t necessarily a great idea. The real mystery though is who bankrolled this album into every Tesco store in the UK. I’m blaming the Illuminati, in conjunction with the dastardly lizardmen from outer space. Or I might just be bitter because they don’t use a heavily reverberating drum machine. Anyhow, All About Eve also released a single this week. It’s called “Let Me Go Home” and is far superior. [3]

Scott Mckeating: Guitars sucked dry of any life, some sub-operatic strumpet singing something about someone she can obviously only relate to in the triteist of ways. These pretend damaged theists give us real Goths a bad name. Away with you, Bon Jovi botherers. [1]

Edward Oculicz: Evanescence test the love of those who've fallen for their deliriously stupid goff-wock by releasing the three worst songs on their album as singles. It's still quite good though, but, and I've said this before, "My Last Breath" was the perfect follow-up second number one that even an idiot could have spotted. Of course, we are talking about faux-Christian quasi-goths and record execs here, but still....[8]

Simon Hampson: When I was a lad, metal bands used to hate everything (especially God) and have an excellent time making a loud noise while shouting about how much they hated everything. How times change, and for the worse. At the birth of Rock n Roll, with Chuck Berry and Little Richard, who could’ve predicted that it would end up like this? [1]

Dom Passantino: You see, the thing is now, Old and Busted: Evanescence; The Hot Newness: the baby Goth from South Park. “They’re all a bunch of conformist Nazi cheerleaders”. Nice pseudo “Like a Prayer” bit in the middle eight though. Needs that bloke from Sixteen Stone coming in and shouting over the end of it though. [5]