SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, February 10, 2013 Edition

Administration
Asserts Right to Assassinate Enemies

A
16-page internal Department of Justice memo leaked to the media
asserts that any person, American citizen or not, can be legally
assassinated if “a high ranking White House official deems it
warranted.”

While
this asserted authority would appear to contradict the Constitution's
prohibition of capital punishment except where the accused has had
the benefit of a fair trial, Attorney General Eric Holder maintains
that “the President and those he appoints to serve under him have
the residual authority to override this protection if national
security requires it. Action taking at the behest of an informed
high-level official is to be preferred, as I see it, to a ritualistic
reliance on devotion to out-dated legal traditions.”

Press
Secretary Jay Carney pronounced that “Attorney General Holder's
reassurance on this matter should convince Americans that these
targeted killings are legal, ethical and wise. The voters have freely
elected Barack Obama to be their President. Now is the time for them
to reap the benefits of his judgment.”

The
American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) expressed some reservations.
“There's no question that if George Bush had tried this we'd be
unloading on him with everything we had,” observed spokesman
Bertram Petty. “With President Obama, though, we have to weigh
matters more carefully. On principle, allowing the government to
murder opponents is generally something we'd oppose. However, we
don't want to take such a strict position that we help narrow
President Obama's latitude to do what he thinks is right and
necessary.”

Media
pundits are similarly conflicted. On MSNBC's Morning
Joe, Mika Brzezinski
admitted that “if George Bush had done this it would have been
stopped. We knew he couldn't be trusted. But with President Obama—do
we really want to tar him with the same brush? Might making too much
of the issue do more harm than good?”

Illinois
Governor Proposes New Assault Weapons Rules

Governor
Pat Quinn (D) used his annual “State of the State” address to
call for new rules on so-called assault weapons and high-capacity
magazines. As outlined, under his proposal only those seeking
permission for same-sex marriages would be authorized to own these
types of firearm devices.

As
Quinn explained it, “those seeking same-sex marriage are among the
most endangered members of our society. Their ability to propagate
their own kind is hampered by unfair biological impediments. On top
of this there is a well of anti-homosexual animosity among their
fellow citizens that threatens their very survival. Since this gay
minority is vastly outnumbered by a hateful straight majority their
need for powerful weapons of self-defense should be self-evident.”

Iran
Rejects Idea of Direct Talks with US

Though
Vice-President Joe Biden has been hinting that President Obama is
willing to hold direct one-on-one talks with Iran to try to resolve
differences between the two countries, Iran is having none of it.

“The
Americans talk as if their agreement to bilateral talks is a great
gift to us,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei declared. “Do they think we
cannot tell the difference between a donkey and an ass?”

The
problem as Khamenei sees it is that “the President of the United
States is a lying liar who lies. We are not such fools as to perceive
such talks as anything other than another opportunity for him to
deceive us.”

Biden
called Khamenei's remarks “an encouraging sign. It's the same kind
of stuff we say about Republicans all the time. It shows that we may
not be as far apart in our way of thinking as most people assume.”

In
related news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad volunteered to be
the first Iranian sent into space. The offer followed the regime's
claim to have successfully launched and retrieved a monkey last week.
“In my mind, I'm already there,” Ahmadinejad asserted. “My term
as president ends in June, so I'll be looking for other ways to serve
my country.” Ahmadinejad expressed confidence that he would “do
at least as good a job of piloting the space ship as the monkey they
just sent.”

Obama's
Passiveness over Benghazi Defended

Recent
testimony at the Senate Armed Services Committee by Secretary of
Defense Leon Panetta and Joint Chiefs of Staff General Martin Dempsey
disclosed that President Obama showed little interest in the
September 11, 2012 attack on the US Consulate.

“Some 90
minutes into the seven hour siege I briefed the President with what I
felt we knew at the time,” Panetta said. “He didn't react. He
asked no questions. He gave no instructions.”

How this
sworn testimony should be interpreted in light of Obama's unsworn
assertion that he gave clear directives to “secure our personnel”
posed a challenge for Press Secretary Jay Carney.

“The
President is legendary for his coolness under pressure,” Carney
bragged. “It is easy to see how Secretary Panetta might construe
this as not reacting to the shocking news. The President's
incomparable brilliance obviously enabled him to grasp everything
without having to ask any questions.”

“As for
the Secretary's impression that the President gave no instructions,
let me point out that it is the Secretary's job to anticipate what
the President wants without having to be explicitly told,” Carney
added. “This gives the President the flexibility to embrace or
disavow whatever action may be taken or not taken as seems most
advantageous as the situation develops. Seeing that the President won
reelection two months later, it should be apparent that those who are
now second guessing his artful handling of the crisis are off base.”

Chicago
Revises 911 Procedures

Citing
limited resources and a surging murder rate, the City of Chicago
announced new rules for how 911 calls are to be handled. From this
point on, simple property crimes will no longer qualify for
immediate, or possibly any, attention.

Chicago
Deputy Chief-of-Patrol Steve Georgas explained that “last year over
500 people were murdered in our city. Obviously, with this serious
mayhem underway we don't have time for the small stuff. If somebody
shoots somebody else we've got to have the resources available to
respond. This has to take priority over mere theft.”

The
change was directed by Mayor Rahm Emanuel. “When you get right down
to it, what is a burglary but an ad
hoc
redistribution of property,” the Mayor contended. “Whether these
types of redistributions should be routinely condemned as we have
been doing is a complex issue. In any case, I don't think we can
justify the expense of sending a 911 response team. Adjudicating
these disputes at a less hectic pace seems appropriate.”

Cases
rejected for 911 response teams will be diverted to the Department’s
Alternate Response Section. Victims will be offered the opportunity
to relay information by phone so a case file can be created. Victims
who recover any of their stolen property are asked to notify the
Alternate Response Section so these files may be closed out.

Economist
Admits Deficits Pose Long Term Problem, Suggests Remedies

While
Nobel Prize winning economist Paul Krugman has been arguing that now
is not the time for us to be worrying about the federal government's
debt, he does admit that a long term solution is necessary.

“In
the short run we can always inflate the currency as a means of
defaulting on federal obligations,” Krugman said. “But in the
long term there are significant demographic problems that require a
real solution.”

One
of the significant demographic problems cited by Krugman was the
aging population. “As people get older they tend to need more
medical services,” Krugman recounted. “With our advanced
technology these services can be expensive. The question is whether
we, as a society, want to invest in life-saving interventions for
those too old to be productive contributors to the nation's wealth.
Some means of easing them out of the equation is needed. Inexpensive
palliative care or assisted suicide for those in this classification
may be our best option.”

Another
significant demographic problem is the insufficient number of wealthy
who can be taxed. “The big money in our society is held by the huge
cohort of the middle class,” Krugman pointed out. “I know that it
is politically popular to talk about taxing the rich, but there just
isn't enough money there. We'll have to hit the middle class with a
hefty tax hike to get at the bulk of the wealth held by private
parties in this country. Most of these people have far more
possessions than they need. Siphoning off a chuck of their money via
a national sales tax or value-added tax is probably the easiest way
to accomplish this.”

Over
8 Million Leave Labor Force under Obama

In
what the Obama Administration is characterizing as a “great surge
in human freedom,” it was reported by the Bureau of Labor
Statistics that there are 8.5 million fewer people in the labor force
than when Obama took office in January of 2009.

“The
Great Emancipator himself only freed 4 million slaves,” said Press
Secretary Jay Carney. “Without the bloodshed of a civil war,
President Obama has enabled more than twice as many to escape from
the drudgery of having to work for a living.”

Carney
boasted that “those in the GOP who try to cast this achievement as
a negative development are misconstruing how the average American
sees what this President has done for them.”