Imagine for a moment that you are running for President. Horrifying, I know, but it’s happening, so you must pick a running mate. Do you go with an experienced politician or public servant of some kind? Of course not. You read KSK, which means you’d obviously pick somebody from the NFL world.

For the purposes of this scenario you may ignore pesky official rules like the minimum age requirement and the even peskier unofficial requirements like a college degree (in something other than communications). Anyone directly involved in professional football is eligible, so choose wisely. You’ll need somebody good if you want them to pander better than Paul Ryan.

With the first pick I’m taking Robert Griffin III. Not only does he have a politician’s name, but he also possesses a degree in political science. Sure he gaffed once already, but who hasn’t slipped up and used the word “retarded” as an adjective in the middle of a press conference? Not Joe Biden, probably.

Since this country is following the timeline of Idiocracy so well, I think I’d probably have to select Deebo. Then again, I’m a little worried that he would shoot me or at least maim me, so he could be acting president.

Peyton Manning. Because no matter what he does, and how badly he under performs people still cover his ass. That’s the kind of guy I want on my ticket.

Other notables: Peyton Hillis as Secretary of Defense because of the fact that he may be Bane. Latrell Sprewell as Secretary of the Treasury (Gotta feed my family!) and I’d hire Megatron to just walk around with me so that I could throw jump balls whenever the mood should strike.

1. Roger Goodell. After all the socialism this country has been through for the last four years, we need a good hard right turn. And what’s harder right than fascism? I think the Gingerhammer would take to his new responsibilities with great enthusiasm, and he’s already proven to be quite adept at taming unruly members of the media.

Ray Lewis. He’ll help take out anyone who needs takin’ out (or h will at least wait in the limo while it is done), he will shout anyone down in a debate, and he will convince everyone to be pissed of for greatness and while it may just be random gibberish, he will get everyone fired up, solidifying the angry citizen vote.

Yeah, but do you remember that rebuttal he gave to one of Clinton’s State of the Union addresses? He started off by bragging that he had been a high school quarterback who “married my sweetheart, the prom queen!”

John Riggins. We could get drunk together at all the state functions, and if Pelosi’s blocking any plank in our platform, he can smooth things over by telling her to “lighten up, Nancy baby.” Plus he’ll definitely capture the huntin’ and fishin’ crowd–he’s got his own show on the Outdoor Life Network.

Peter King. No question about it. The majority of voters (and really, people in general) in this country are complete idiots. Many are already fans of PK (I know it’s tough to believe but it’s true) and his unique brand of “hey what’s the deal with coffee on the train” and “I drink my beer with fruit just like you common folk” would be extremely relatable to those unfamiliar with his work.

Bernard Berrian.
B_Twice will possess such a perfect combination of citizen-baiting prejudice and policy-breaking incompetence that America will implode in a matter of months and my dreams of a post-apocalyptic anarchist future will come to fruition.

What about this blogs Patron Saint? Hollywood Joe would look great in a fur coat at the inauguration. There’s also Michael Irvin, but he doesn’t have enough dismissed felonies for big-league politics. Expand your definition of ‘football’ and we could sneak Hope Solo in, a hotter, younger and snarkier Sara Palin!

After a lot of thinking I would have to go with Colt McCoy. I win the red states based on his name being Colt.
But my big thing would be 5CHAN as my campaign advisor in charge of finding the opponents’ October Surprise(s). Which would be found by Labor Day. And if that doesn’t work and the polls say I’m still going to get slaughtered, he’d be in charge of bringing the voters to the polls for HACK THE VOTE ‘012.