(Closed) Girlfriend wants the dreaded "break"

Greetings ladies. I come to you brokenhearted, in need of advice from the female perspective.

Last week, my girlfriend of 2.5 years told me that she needed space to figure out her feelings. Our relationship was very good for the first two years, with talk of marriage and family and the like. But in the fall we started growing apart. We both work full time while in grad school, and though we live very close to each other and would still see each other most every day, things got hard and we would have little fights here and there.

Eventually, I sat her down and asked her what I could do to try to make things better. Her response was that she felt “broken” inside, was “tired of being tired,” and just needed time to sort everything out. She also mentioned that she was having self-esteem and confidence issues, and felt as if she might not be “good enough” for me (she has had some mentally abusive relationships in the past). Though it killed me inside, I told her I understood and respected her decision, hoping that some time apart could make us better in the end. I assured her that she was more than good enough, more than what I deserve, but I could not convince her in that one conversation. We mutually agreed to not see other people during this time. As I was getting up to leave, she pulled me back and started to cry when she said “I love you and I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

This was nearly a week ago and we have not spoken since. I’m well aware of the fact that when a woman asks for space or a break, its her way of starting the breakup, and it will be an uphill battle to get her back. My gut instinct is to fight for her, but I know that I have to respect her decision if we are to have any hope in the future. I don’t want to come off as needy and smothering by contacting her and telling her I want to work things out, but at the same time I don’t want her to feel like I just don’t care, where she’ll eventually just forget about me and move on.

Though this week has been very hard on me, it has given me time to reconnect with some friends and family. More importantly, I can actually see things from her perspective now. There are things I need to work on to be a better man, not only for her, but for my life in general. It sucks that it has taken losing the girl I love more than anything to see this, but I guess that’s life.

I’ve come to this board seeking female perspectives. My mother and sister tell me that she really just needs time, while my male friends and relatives are brutally honest in their opinion that she wants to end things permanently but just feels bad doing it. Have any of you ladies out there gone through something like this with the man in your life? Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Al! I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. You seem like a very reasonable person and a very caring guy. I think it is admirable that you are seeking further advice to better understand your situation. I really wish that I could provide you with a solid answer, however ther are always two ways a situation like this can pan out. I think you are doing the right thing by letting her have her time as she asked. If that is what she really needs to work through some things and she wants to do it alone, I would let her. If you try to contact her or be what you are calling “needy”, you might be doing the exact thing that will push her away further. I can imagine how hard that is, I’ve been there but you have to allow her to “miss you” or to see what is the exact thing that she loves about you that is now no longer there. On the other hand, if she is in a state where she is ready for finish the relationship, the time away from you may make it easier for her to talk to you about what went “wrong” and why she feels the way she does. It sounds like you love her very much and it is always heart breaking to be the person to hear the dreaded “i need a break”, however we are human and we get confused. Women especially are super emotional and if we don’t work through underlying issues they tend to spill out into our relationships. The silver lining is that you sound like a great guy and you are doing the right thing. You have to let time either heal what is happening or break what is not supposed to happen. Try to concentrate on you and invest time in figuring out what is it YOU want to to for yourself at this time. Spend time with friends and family and most of all keep busy with school if you can. Let her come to you… it may be hard to hear but it is the best advice I can offer. <<HUG>>

@afdb12: if she hasn’t contacted you then I’d think she wants to end things. I’d let her come back to you Otherwise you’ll push her further away. Maybe she was expecting a marriage proposal and didn’t get one so she has decided to move on?

@Captain013: Thank you for the reply. We had discussed marriage, but we were holding off until we both finished grad school (which is supposed to be in 2015), so I don’t think that is the cause of the problem.

@LeosLady28: Thank you very much for the thoughtful answer Leos. I guess I will leave her alone and try to improve myself, while still keeping a little hope that she will eventually want to make things work.

I agree that chasing her will push her away, but you also want to make your feelings clear. Maybe send her an email/letter/text message expressing that you don’t want it to be over, but if she wants to move on, you will have to move on as well? My mom always told me “If someone you love leaves, start walking the other way. If they come back, great; if not, you’re already further down the road.”

I agree with bgbride. Also great advice from your mum bgbride! Don’ t chase her, but doing absolutly nothing doesn’t feel right to me either. She might think you gave up to easily and did not fight for her

You did good by not contacting her for a whole week, just send a short message saying you are still there for her and hope this time apart is giving her what she had hoped.

Also: only she knows what she really wants. You friends and family can only guess. If you want clarity on where this is headed then just ask her. But maybe give it another week.

@afdb12: Hi Al, so sorry you’re dealing with this heartache right now!

It sounds like she’s not in a goodplace internally for her to be capable of loving someone right now. If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others – fully as they should be.

“There are things I need to work on to be a better man, not only for her, but for my life in general. It sucks that it has taken losing the girl I love more than anything to see this, but I guess that’s life.”

First you make it sound like she has some issues, self esteem, and soul searching to do, but then you say here that you could have lost her due to things YOU did. So which is it?

If you did talk marriage previously, perhaps she just changed her mind, or went along with it when youfirst talked about it.

I agree with the others to give her space, maybe at two weeks email her or leave a voice mail just saying you hope she is OK. I hate texting – this is not like “pick up a gallon of milk please;” you’re talking real emotions – texting doesn’t fit here.

Sweetie, I just think her saying that was for two reasons she need time but she also wants you to see what life would be without her and this will cause you to look within yourself and determine if she is worth changing for.

I did the exact same thing to my FI because he was taking me for granted and I needed some time too it broke my heart to say it but I needed him to decide if I was a priority and would put second only to God or I would take my broke heart and move on.

Well, long story short I didnt talk to him for a month during that time I cried and knew I made the right decision because I didnt want a onesided relationship me giving and him taking. When I did speak to him he apologized and believe or not he said what I wanted to hear. “The time away from you has made me see that I cant imagine my life without you and you are second only to God”.

We have been fine ever since because he had to see on his own what I meant to him. Sometimes we dont always see until we are out of a situation to realize that the person or thing is important to us.

Whatever your issues are only you know what they are, work on them. You have heard her tell you enough times what she wants from you…

NOW IS THE TIME TO PROVE TO HER YOU ARE SERIOUS AND WANT TO MOVE TO THE NEXT STEP. It may not be tomorrow you will get engaged but she has to know that you are willing to change for the better and that you can change.

Thank you all for your replies. I’ve done a lot of soul searching on this, and I’ve decided to give her some more time alone, then I’ll drop her a quick letter to tell her how I feel when the time is right, maybe in another week or so.

I’m not going to beg or anything, so I’ll just tell her I see the problems I have and have started to work on them. Then I’ll make it clear that I’m still here for her, love her deeply, want to make things work, and hope that the time apart has been good for her.

I’m scared of losing her, but I have some hope that this will all work out for the best. Wish me luck, and congrats to all of you on your upcoming weddings!