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I like to imagine that I am a rational person. I would like to believe that I don't care so much what other people think. It's nice to pretend that I have enough sense to know that a beginner is not expected to do things perfectly all the time. Or ever.

So why was I wound tighter than a sharp E string last night in class, when I felt like I didn't know how to do a technique correctly? I reminded myself to breathe, drop my shoulders, settle, breathe, drop my shoulders... It had no effect on the fear of humiliation turning my stomach into a knotted wet rag.

Watching myself from a sort of disembodied perspective it was pretty funny. Like "You idiot. Knock it off. You're a freakin' 6th kyu. Get over yourself." But even when you know you're being ridiculous it's not always easy to shift to a more effective way of being.

It's easy being a total newbie. It's OK to know nothing at first. There's no pressure. Maybe I've reached a point where I expect that I should know something by now. After a whole, what... less than a year?

And so here I am, being impatient with myself for being impatient with myself. Stupid ego.

On further reflection I think Cherie nailed it - that I've gotten my nickers in a twist over trying to be ready to test for 5th kyu. I'll post a new entry with some thoughts on that over the weekend. And of course, Tara's thought on knowing what not to do next time fit the situation perfectly. Thank you to you both.

Thanks, Tara. My usual way of dealing with feeling stupid is to learn stuff as fast as I can. But this physical learning is just slow (or at least feels slow). So maybe I just need to work on patience. I'm glad you like my writing. I tend to think in images and diagrams, andt hen have to translate that into writing. So I'm glad the images come through on the other end.

Good point, Cherie. I didn't actually set a deadline, and I doubt I'll be testing then (or at least I don't feel like I would be ready), but did decide to train as if I would be testing. I think most of it is not wanting to look dumb in front of Sensei. (Yes, I realize that's absurd. LOL) But maybe you're right about the self-imposed pressure, too. Thanks.

hmmm just wondering but would it have anything to do with you having set a deadline for your next test? Perhaps not realizing it but feeling the pressure to get up to the next level by a certain time period might be part of the issue.

It's good that you noticed it becaue ... the firest stepp to fixing any issue one has is to accknowge there is one. Then to know what the real problem is, you know all that. So , now it will be eassyer next time to know what to do to not feel that way... and evertuly times it happens becaomes few ... or Mr. Tolly says so anyway.
On a difrent note I like how you use metofors in your writing , it makes pictures, when it is read.