The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

The Definitive Holiday Gift Guide on What Not to Buy

Now that Thanksgiving has come upon us, I now feel free to write my posts pertaining to the Christmas season and I have plenty of ideas. I will devote the first in my holiday series on Christmas gifts, in particular what not buy for your loved ones for Christmas. Of course, I must confess I am not a great gift giver. I’m not the most socially adept, hate shopping, and tend to be stingy with my money when it comes to others. Not to mention, I’m not sure how the gift card thing works either. Then again, I mostly shop for adults who are basically hard to buy for and aren’t really sure what they want anyway. Still, despite being a socially awkward cheapskate, I try my best to please or at least not make anyone upset with me. Still, I could do worse than some people and there are some things I know not to buy for my loved ones or for anyone else really. So here is a list of gifts I’d deem inappropriate, offensive, impractical, inexcusable, and sometimes downright Christmas gifts anyone could give someone. Don’t buy these for anybody if you dare.

1. Banana Bunker

I could never think of a plastic container so useless, so much of waste of good plastic, or good money as this. Sure it’s made to protect your precious banana from turning into mush in your backpack, but could cost as much as like $10-$16 to protect something that costs about 25¢. Also, bananas already come in a protective casing called a peel which does rather nicely. And it’s not like you can use this for other products unlike tupperware containers which kind of does the same thing. Besides, it’s such a ridiculous product that Stephen Colbert devoted a segment of his show on one of these.

2. Mourning Stones

I don’t think buying a bunch of mourning stones so the receiver can pay tribute to a dearly departed loved one’s gravestone and mark visitation, especially if made out of stone quartz. Besides, mourning stones aren’t very much into the festive spirit of the holidays. Also, not everyone uses mourning stones while visiting graves and if so, they usually use regular stones where you can find basically anywhere like your driveway, garden, the ground, or any other place you could think of. And they’re usually free.

3. Exotic Toad Skin Purse

All right this one comes from Australia but it’s one you can customize whether to have the legs on or off. As to why anyone would want one, I don’t have the slightest idea. Still, these come from the skin from actual cane toads which makes me want to puke. Seriously, it’s one thing that people once made purse from alligator skin before it became those animals became endangered. And toads aren’t really the most attractive creatures and I don’t think any woman will buy one, let alone a guy who doesn’t use a purse. This concept is disgusting.

4. Lunar Legacy

How would you like someone to give you this which someone gives your photo and a message of your choice to put on the Google Lunar X Prize space shuttle to deliver to the lunar surface among a community of other moon bound objects and photos? And this all at $10. Really? You can’t see it, read it, or touch it. I mean it’s just as bad as not getting anything. So even though you may feel more comfortable rocketing your emotions into a vacuum of space doesn’t mean you should. The receiver will not be happy, and if it’s your significant other, well, that relationship may be over.

5. Little Joseph Candle Holder

Basically this is a porcelain baby head candle holder which costs $115. Seriously whoever came up with such an idea must’ve had something terribly wrong with him or her. Sure babies are cute but these holders don’t really inspire cuteness or warm feelings of joy. In fact, they’re not only creepy but incredibly terrifying like they’re lifeless vessels in some kind supernatural horror. Personally they kind of freak me out and may even give me nightmares. I mean would you want these in your house? Neither would I. To even buy these for yourself is crazy, let alone for somebody else.

6. The Face Bank

Another gift sure to give anyone nightmares. This incredibly creepy and eyeless contraption vaguely resembling a face is said to “chew” your money when you insert it into its mouth slot. Just the though of doing this makes me want to cringe. I don’t want to put my money in that. Seriously, how did this thing ever get made? Please don’t buy this.

7. Belly Button Brush

Seriously? How is this in anyway practical? Besides, how does anyone need this useless piece of crap? I mean does anyone have crap in their navels? If so, you can always use a shower. It does the job pretty nicely. I can’t find any purpose with this grooming product. Not to mention, the concept is kind of gross.

8. Civet Crap Choice Coffee

Don’t get me wrong, coffee does make a great gift (since I’ve given my Uncle Frank coffee on many occasions). Coffee made from beans fermented from a civet’s digestive tract, well, it’s disgusting even if it does taste as good as on the label. And I don’t think it’s going to matter if it’s the rarest coffee in the world with only 500 kgs extracted per year. I mean these beans were pulled from shit. Perhaps this is the perfect way to tell someone to eat shit or drink it literally.

9. Chum Bucket Mints

Of course, candy doesn’t make a bad gift either. However, candy that will give you a breath smelling of assorted fish parts? I think you’d want to pass. Seriously, you might want to go with Bertie Bott’s Every Flavored Jellybeans. At least they’re from Harry Potter.

10. Care4Less

Any fan of Seinfeld would remember the episode when George made up his own charity to get away with buying a gift in the office. Of course, for those not clever as George, there’s a website called Care4less.org which allows you to select one of the site’s six fake charities, enter your name and e-mail as well as the recipient’s and the imaginary amount you’d want to send. The recipient will be notified of the donation made in their name through an e-mail. Among the imaginary charities you have Adopt-A-Banker, Make a Sandwich Foundation, Fathers 4 Mosquitoes, Costume a K9, Leprechaun Leprosy, Lost Geriatric Glasses Fund, Foreskin Restoration Society, and Organ Donation. Still, don’t try this, especially if the recipient is a Seinfeld fan like my mother.

11. Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

Well, of course, there may be some gifts that are useful and it wouldn’t be terrible to get someone a shower gel dispenser. However, one shaped like a nose, well, I don’t think it’ll go with the decor or shows any good taste. Might be better to get this for yourself if you truly think it’s funny or part of a frat house. Otherwise, I think this is just plain gross and rather juvenile. I mean who wants to use shower gel stored in a giant nostril? Am I right?

12. Blood Bath Shower Curtain

Well, let’s don’t even think about getting this because this is pretty disturbing. I mean your friend may be into horror films and may have his or her house look like a haunted mansion. However, blood stained shower curtains aren’t a good idea even in that respect. Besides, even if the recipient likes it and uses it, chances are that someone in the house guest is probably going to call the police if he or she uses the bathroom. Believe me, no good can come of this gift.

13. Old Man Purse

Seriously, even if this doesn’t really resemble and old guy, this is pretty sick and twisted to even consider manufacturing. Seriously, no woman wants a head purse, let alone one resembling an old man. I don’t know why anyone would even buy one. Sick, sick, sick.

14. DVD Rewinder

Of course, many people do like getting gadgets for Christmas as long as they work. However, I’m not sure if a DVD Rewinder is anything other than a waste of money. I mean, unlike VHS tapes, DVDs don’t need re-winded after you’re done playing with them. If you put them in the next time, they’ll just start at the beginning. Really shitty gift.

15. Fruitcake

Of course, this is a well known bad Christmas gift nobody likes. My parents once had this with my Uncle Mike and Aunt Rosemary, and even they would wouldn’t eat it unless accompanied with booze. And I guess they woke up with serious hangovers the next morning. Seriously, it may look colorful and you might have baked it yourself, but no one in their right mind would eat it unless they’re drunk or starving.