The Final Moments of the George W. Bush Administration

This article was originally published on July 23, 2008, such was the eagerness to see Mr. Bush & Co. vacate the premises.

FADE IN:

EXT. WHITE HOUSE SOUTH PORTICO – DAWN

TITLE CARD: JANUARY 20, 2009

A light snow falls as a White House USHER places the last of several suitcases in the trunk of a Toyota Prius. GEORGE BUSH, DICK CHENEY, CONDOLEEZA RICE, KARL ROVE and DON RUMSFELD look on. The usher slams the trunk shut.

USHER

All ready, sir.

The usher opens the car door. George walks to the car and looks back.

CHENEY

Call us when you get there.

GEORGE

Will do. Goodbye.

George gets in, starts the car and drives away. In the rearview mirror he sees his former administration waving. He notices a CD on the dashboard with the words CONDOLEEZA’s UNHIP MIX written on it. He puts it in the player.

We hear Sia’s “Breathe Me.”

CUT TO:

EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN, OFF THE COAST OF FLORIDA – DAY

The stern of a sinking yacht is below water, an enormous hole in its side. DICK CHENEY, blood dripping from the stump of a missing arm, swings an oar at the gaping mouth of a massive GREAT WHITE SHARK.

TITLE CARD:

Richard Bruce Cheney 1941–2015

CUT TO:

EXT. TEXAS STATE FAIR – NIGHT

A packed stadium applauds as a MOTORCYCLE RIDER, dressed in a red-white-and-blue costume reminiscent of Evel Knievel, speeds into the opening of a long tunnel of fire. From the POV of the audience, we see the end of the tunnel, still burning furiously. After several moments, the motorcyclist has not emerged from the tunnel.

CUT TO: A man in the grandstands solemnly removes his cowboy hat and holds it over his chest.

TITLE CARD:

Karl Christian Rove 1950–2011

CUT TO:

INT. PRIUS (MOVING) – DAY

Bush driving, wipes a tear from his eye.

CUT TO:

INT. ST. REGIS HOTEL BALLROOM – NIGHT

DON RUMSFELD, dressed in a tuxedo, is giving a toast to a large wedding reception crowd. As he speaks a HUAORANI TRIBESMAN steps forward and shoots a red feathered dart from a blowgun into Don’s NECK.

TITLE CARD:

Donald Henry Rumsfeld 1932–2017

CUT TO:

INT. ABANDONED VICTORIAN MANSION – NIGHT

CONDOLLEEZA RICE is frantically hammering a plank over a smashed window while the fishy white hands of ZOMBIES poke through. A throng of the undead smashes through a door behind her. She throws the hammer at one of them, who bites her in the HEAD.