He Wants You to Do What?! (The Crazy Things Men Want You to Do During Sex)

Recently I was in bed with Claire,* a woman I was dating, when she asked me to choke her. I gave it the old college try (sort of holding her throat) and found that it wasn’t my bag, and she was cool with that. But I empathized with every woman I’d ever asked to push her limits. (Fine: I like thigh-high stockings.) So what should you do if the guy you’re with wants to shake things up—especially if he ventures into what you consider freaky territory? Whether you’re horrified, intrigued, or just mildly weirded out, here’s your four-step plan.

1. Don’t judge

While I wasn’t gung ho about choking Claire, notice that when she brought it up, my reaction was not “You perv!” People have their preferences and their kinks, and that doesn’t mean they have issues. The guy who wants you to dress up like a schoolgirl is not, as a rule, into underage girls. The guy who asks to spank you is not a wife beater in training. A guy’s turn-ons are part of his psyche, going back to way before he met you. Provided he’s not hurting anyone and no laws are being broken, you shouldn’t think less of him. You don’t have to act on all the items on his dirty laundry list. But in bringing them up, he makes himself vulnerable—a sign that he trusts you. So at least hear him out.

2. Tell yourself: We are not the first people to try this

Want proof? Google it. (Not at work.) There are mainstream sites for almost anything you can cook up, so do your research, both to reassure yourself and answer the big questions: Is this act dangerous or unhygienic? What steps can I take to make sure it’s all pleasure and no pain (or no more pain than I’m into)? Reading about it won’t diminish the titillation at go time, but it will reveal what precautions to take. Bonus: You’ll know that what feels like a scary experiment to you is just another Thursday night to plenty of people.

3. Ask, Is it something I hate or just something I don’t love?

A few of my guy friends aren’t into performing oral sex. So why do they go there? Because it gives their partners pleasure. If you try his far-out thing and discover that it’s not your thing, ask yourself, Do I hate it or just not love it? Follow-up: Could I learn to love it, or like it a lot, or at least love what it does for him? For example, anal sex. Having something up your butt can be uncomfortable, but as my friend Rachel, happily married for five years, told me, “I do it because he loves it, and while I could live without it, I don’t hate it.” (Things you do hate? Stop those now.) And then there’s my friend Maura, whose boyfriend coaxed her into role-playing. “At first I was sure I looked stupid in a plaid skirt and kneesocks,” she confessed. But she got into it. Now every Halloween costume—nurse, beer wench, etc.—gets pulled from the closet and repurposed now and then.

4. Talk about it, before and after

Communicating your desires and apprehensions is the first step in any experimentation. Can he respect the rules you’ve made for the threesome? (Yes, being the awesome GF that you are, you get to make the rules.) What happens to the sex tape after the hormones wear off? What’s the safe word? There are two fundamentals that underlie all of this: (1) If it’s not working for you, say so. Maybe there’s another fantasy of his you can get on board with. Or maybe he just has to let it go. (And if he can’t, you may have to let him go.) (2) If you can’t talk about it, you’re not ready to do it. Oh, and (3) if it all goes well, your guy can send the bottle of scotch to the Glamour offices, attention: Jake.