Fee Fi Fo Fum!

I had two primary problems in life, and while you might think they were minor issues, I assure you, they were quite significant to me. The first of my problems was this: my mother was impossible to please. Nothing I ever did satisfied her. Yesterday, for instance she sent me to market to sell our cow. Along the way I met a man who offered me five magic beans in exchange for the cow.

Magic beans, I tell you!

But was mother impressed? No! She simply threw them out the window and gave me the most severe scolding of my life. And even when the beans grew into a giant beanstalk, even that didn't satisfy her. She just said, "Oh, can we milk it? Can we buy food with it?"

There's just no pleasing her.

The other major issue in my life is this: giants are lousy poets. I discovered this after climbing the magic beanstalk and stealing the giant's golden goose. There is not much in this life more disconcerting than racing through a castle being chased by a giant, but one thing that is worse is being chased by a giant who is repeatedly screaming:

Fee Fi Fo Fum!I smell the blood of an Englishman!

I'm not much of a poet myself, but even I know that it would have to be Fee Fi Fo Fan to rhyme with Englishman!

But as I sat here, petting my golden goose, I was reminded of that old adage about killing two birds with one stone. And while I had no intention of killing my goose, it occurred to me that, with one simple action on my part, I could solve both of my major life problems.

"Mother," I called out.

"What?" she snapped back with that nasty, impatient tone of voice.

"When I was up in the giant's castle, I found a magic potion that'll keep a woman young and beautiful forever!"

"Did you bring it down?"

"No."

"Well go get it, then!"

"Go get it yourself, mother."

Now I sit here all alone in peace and quiet, enjoying my golden eggs. Well, not entirely quiet, for far above my head I hear the faint screams of a terrified woman, accompanied by a rumbling bass voice declaring,