Heidi and Spencer are exci-ted, and you know that because they’re sing-ing! It seems our favorite celebutards have fled the country. “Viva la Mexico! Whooooooo! This is in-sa-ane!” yodels Spencer. Ungrateful Heidi asks her beloved why he dragged her away from all of the fun and games and disapproving glances back home. Spencer responds that it was important that they steal across international borders to get away from all of those stupid distractions, like family and work and friends.

Scene: People’s Revolution

The suspense is over, friends. Whitney gets The Call and learns that she will officially be working at Diane von Furstenberg in New York, which is OMG such a surprise, no seriously. Lauren remains fixated on the exciting prospect of Whitney’s having (1) a job where she doesn’t have to dress like a cave creature and (2) a sexy wallaby boyfriend all at the same time. And then we see Lauren’s first attempt at her new “oh-how-sad-am-I-I-am-so-sad” move, which involves her pressing her palms together and leaning her face gently against her hands.

Scene: Cabo

The drugs are starting to get to Heidi because she now thinks she’s in France. She offers champagne that she opened herself (wheee!) to Spencer, who is not-quite lounging out on the deck, keeping one foot on the floor in case Fifi tries to make a break for it. Heidi is decked out in her very best US Weekly resortwear. She plops down between his legs. “When we met, you were never stressed out,” remarks Spencer rather thoughtfully. Heidi continues to drink heavily. Scene:Horsey’s Barn

In the most scripted scene since that other scene 30 seconds ago, She-Pratt “randomly” drops in on Horsey to tell her that Heidi and Spencer are missing. Horsey admits that neigh, she hasn’t seen them in awhile. “You should put up some signs,” says Justin Bobby from the other room. Good call, Einstein. “HAVE YOU SEEN THESE MEDIAWHORES?”

Scene: Some lounge in Cabo

Spencer and Heidi are doing some seat dancing and tequila shots. I’m not sure which started first, the awful moves or the tequila consumption. It’s very chicken-or-the-egg. Spencer likes her side ponytail and the way she is so easily manipulated and decides now is the time to offer his hairy palm in marriage. Heidi mocks him, but Spencer doesn’t even speak Mexican. Instead, he sees a brilliant opportunity and orders some more Patron, or “even above Patron,” whatever’s classier. Cuidado, Fifi!

Scene: Whitney’s Going-Away/Making the Right Decision/Tearing Her Mother’s Heart Out Party

Balloons point the way to Whitney’s going-away party where Lauren, Not Lauren and Horsey have come to celebrate and simultaneously be sad that Whitney won’t be there. Lauren uses the opportunity to practice the move. Whitney’s parents are so upset that Mama Port is crying and Papa Port has turned gangsta. Lauren’s upset because she always turns to Whitney for advice, as in “WhitneyIlikethisboyandhedoesn’tlikemewhatdoIdo?” Me! I know, I know! Just bleach it!

Scene:Me$Xic*$&^#ooo0oo, tequila effects pending

The Wookiee is still pushing the secret Mexico wedding on drunk Fifi, assuring her that getting married would be as crazy as their crazy relationship. Spencer wants to keep her sheltered from the three-dimensional people. “I promise it has nothing to do with anyone but Us (Weekly).” Done and done, Heidi’s in. “I’ll show you what a wife does,” offers Heidi, and I’m sorry, I threw up a little just now.

Scene:The Pre-Departure Lunch

Whitney and Lauren talk in circles about Whitney’s pending Life Changing Event and how she will get groceries home. How did two girls with such different taste in nail polish become such besties? Lauren starts crying and pouring on more guilt. No really, I’m super excited for you. Whitney does not cry, because she only knows how to make faces, so instead she tells Lauren that she is moved by her tears. So she moves right out of the restaurant and is off to NYC. Lauren does the move as she goes, and she totally sticks it.

Scene: Cabo

Oofah. “Spencer: Heidi’s Husband” is tuckered out from all of the scheming and slipping things in Heidi’s drink and binding and gagging involved in getting married, but he’s thoughtful enough to thank Patron on-camera for sponsoring his nuptials. They watch a video and sigh over how f-ing batsh*t frightened they were to tie the knot, which is always the first sign that you are meant to be together 4-eva. Video highlights include shots of the “Cabo special” wedding rings that look like strips of lawn & leaf bags attached to a couple of balled-up Hershey’s Kisses wrappers for some bling. But then “real life” kicks in and Heidi ponders aloud what her family’s reaction will be to the blessed news. Silly robot, says Spencer, let’s keep it a secret. Heidi glances at the cameras, holding on to her very last 4 brain cells with all of her might. “How can you not tell someone something like this?” Duh, we’ll just let Perez Hilton tell everyone.

Heidi stares at her boobs and her trashbag ring in the mirror with a genuine look of “WTF have I done?” You just married a top shelf, no really, “above Patron,” douchebag who resembles a shaggy, hirstute, giant biped from an arboreal world and wants to keep you in the protective cultish cocoon forever. Mazel.