I Promise To...

... in the most polite possible way, with cold efficiency, smash your driver's side window in with my U-lock grab the telephone from your hands, and smash it right there in front of you. Of course you'll be stunned into a stoic silence wondering what it is you could of done to deserve such barbaric treatment. Don't worry I won't hit you, or pull you out of that broken window to jump up, and down on you with my muscular calfs, as much as I would love to, I've renounced violence, but I'm quite open to the option of intense property damage if drivers continue to put cyclists life in danger through your phone addictions. I'm sure I'll be sweaty, cut, and bruise, and you'll have just hit me, so I hope I look extra scary. My patience is up so be warned the reckoning on two wheels is out on these wonderful Portland streets everyday. So when you are checking Facebook as you slowly role through a stop sign, or playing Pokémon Go at a stop light don't think too hard why you now have a flat tire. I'd rather you off the road then some poor cyclist or pedestrian under those tires.

P.S. Fellow cyclists I see you using your phones with no hands cruising down the street, you are just as bad.