Thursday, July 31, 2014

Coming back from the ISB Reunion . . . flights kept getting bumped . . . got on the plane God Knows Where and this kind of dumpy Baby Huey looking guy with nerd glasses plonks himself down in between me and the window seat . . .

Its something I gotta deal with. I think about all the continents I've traversed by wheeled motor transport, and airplanes are ten million times better. I'm a Stoic so I deal with it, right?

Then this BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY in a white summer sun dress floats up the aisle . . .

"Excuse me," Miss Body Lovely says to Fatso. "I'm 11B."

Fatso looks at his ticket, goes, "Oh. I'm 10B."

Then, before I had a chance to grab Nerd Nutz by the ass and do a Samsonite gorilla number on his fat ass . . .

. . . Nerd Nutz says to Young Miss Cool Summer Breeze: "YOU CAN SIT IN MY SEAT UP THERE IN THAT ROW . . .

It happened too fast for me to make my move . . .

I sat there for a moment in stunned silence . . . I finally snapped out of it, I had to say something . . . I couldn't let this outrage occur without calling it out for what it was . . . a Crime Against Humanity . . .

I looked Nerd Nutz in the eye and pointed at the numbers over the seats. "ELEVEN. VERY CLOSE TO TEN, BUT NOT THE SAME."

Nerd Nutz looked at me with a confused look, which looked somehow natural on his face.

I gestured toward Miss Beautiful, then I gestured toward the Walking Salami. "ONE," I said, "VERY CLOSE TO ZERO, BUT NOT THE SAME. ONE HUNDRED PER CENT DIFFERENT."

He's looking at me like I've got a cock growing out of the middle of my forehead. He's not used to an American Non-Comm giving him The Business.

Meanwhile, over in the window seat, Banana Bender from South America is LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF.

I continue.

"IT'S THAT MATH THING."

I laid it on thick. Nerd Nutz was feeling the shame. He knew he'd done wrong. Finally I asked, "WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING???"

Wait for it . . . Nerd Nutz shamefully utters:

"I'm an accountant . . ."

Me and Banana Bender are POSITIVELY DYING ! ! !

I says, "WHO DO YOU WORK FOR ? ? ?"

Nerd Nuts starts to mumble something and I cut him off. "DON'T TELL ME BECAUSE I'LL MAKE A PHONE CALL ! ! !"

The journey continues. We get to the other side. Before the pilot switches off the fasten seatbelt sign, I make sure to rinse and repeat all of the above in reverse. Banana Bender was totally on my side.