How I Saved Neopia From the Gleep: Part One

In the second floor bedroom of an average Neohome, an average
Neopet slept soundly in her average bed, blissfully unaware that she was soon
to be visited by two above average visitors.

The pet in question was one Holly, a faerie
Ixi with her head well and truly in the clouds. The visitors were…well, let's
take a look, shall we? They should be arriving anytime soon…

Ah! Yes, here they come. A star that had been
twinkling brightly for the last hour and a half suddenly shot down from the
skies, zigging and zagging on its descent over the suburbs of Neopia Central.
As it did this it grew larger, looking more and more like a round metal orb
with little flashing lights than an actual star.

This is most likely because it was in fact a
round metal orb with little flashing lights and most certainly not a
real star at all. As this particular orb neared the many thatched rooftops of
the average street Holly's average house was situated on, three little holes
appeared in the bottom of its rounded surface, out of which three poles extended.

Without a sound the metal orb landed on Holly's
house, its tripod arranging itself until it could settle upright on the odd
angle of the roof. Without a sound, a little doorway appeared, out of which
floated two strange-looking figures. Without a sound, this odd pair floated
down the side of the house and in through Holly's open bedroom window. With
quite a lot of sound, they announced their presence and intentions to
the room's only other occupant.

"Awaken, Neopian!" they screeched in tinny unison.
"You have been randomly selected to introduce us to your planet's culture before
we decide whether to conquer it or not!"

Maybe now would be a good time to mention that
these particular visitors were in fact an alien race known as the Gleep, and
they had travelled thousands of light-years to extend their interstellar conquest
where none of their kind had tried to conquer before.

Gleepians were best described as eggs that have
spent too long in a dark musty cupboard before being transferred to Sloth's
laboratories for further mutation experiments. They were covered in what looked
like sticky green fur, a three fanged mouth, tentacle-like arms and two eyes…one
on top of the other.

They weren't very nice aliens, either.

~**~

As Holly was abruptly awoken from her dreams
of skydiving into a field of Babaa wool by the ear-splitting orders of her visitors,
she sat up in her bed hesitantly, rubbing away at her weary eyes. When she could
fully see the two aliens, she immediately wished she hadn't, letting out a short,
sharp squeak of fear before diving back under the covers.

Breathing heavily under her blanket, the Ixi
tried valiantly to calm herself down. It's only a dream, she told herself
with an unsure yet wise nod.
I seem to have awoken from my nice dream only to be in a horrible dream…nothing
wrong with that, it probably happens all the time. If I pinch myself, I'll wake
up and they'll be gone…ready?

...

...

OUCH!

Okay, okay, so I'm awake for sure now, and
they're gone. They must be gone, they have to be gone…I mean, if they weren't
gone then they'd be real only they can't be real because I was dreaming just
now and if I wasn't then why did I just pinch myself? She thought this bit
of frenzied rationalizing through once again, her brow furrowed. I think
that made sense…

"Woohoo," she called faintly in the vain belief
that if she were quiet enough then the aliens wouldn't hear her, therefore not
answer her and prove themselves to be dreams and now gone. "Little aliens…?
You're not floating by my feet anymore, are you? No? Good…"

"Actually, yes we are!" a tinny voice snapped
impatiently. "And if this is how you all act, then our conquest will be simple!"

"Indeed, Conqueror One! If they all stay under
their covers, muttering quietly to themselves, then they shouldn't notice their
planet becoming Gleep II!"

"Conquer…? Gleep II?" Finding her night's intruders
more absurd then scary now, Holly risked pulling her blanket down past her eyes,
which were now staring cautiously at the two floating aliens. "You guys aren't
serious, are you? You want to try and conquer us? Why, you haven't even got
to know us yet!"

"What do you expect us to do, sell you carpets
door-to-door first?" one of them, the one named Conqueror One, asked in sarcastic
disbelief. "A surprise attack is the best, all superpowers know that!"

"Yeah, well when you happen to meet a superpower
on your travels, tell them they're very clever, okay?" Holly muttered mockingly,
lying back down and attempting to return to her woolly fields.

"We are one of the greatest superpowers
this galaxy has ever known!" the second Gleep exclaimed angrily at this impudent
show of blatant disrespect.

"Oh, really?" growled the Ixi, considering it
best to get rid of her unwelcome guests before attempting to sleep again. "Then
why, if you just so happen to conquer Neopia, would you call it Gleep II? Two
isn't a very big empire for a 'superpower' such as you like to think yourselves
as…"

"Negative, Conqueror Two," Conqueror One order
with a halting rise of its right tentacle. "This creature may be clever, but
they are no match for our combined war fleets back home…now, little Neopian
-"

"That's great, coming from you," Holly snapped
with a withering look.

"You, little Neopian," One repeated, not willing
to show any signs of how angry they were to have been interrupted by an underling.
"You will now proceed to introduce us to your planet's culture…or my friend
here will be allowed to use the Obliteratron ZL68 on you!"

"Right, fine, whatever…just after breakfast,
okay? It's Monday, so that means Waffle Morning, and you wouldn't like me when
I miss my waffles."

"Yeah, why'd you ask? It's not like you've ever
heard of them," Holly mumbled as sleep began to beckon her once more into its
peaceful arms of safety diving goodness.

"Correction, back on Gleep, waffles are one
of our two main food groups!"

"Really, and what's the second?" asked Holly
with a yawn.

"Maple syrup…"

~**~

After she had finished her breakfast, Holly thought
it best to take a few leftover waffles up to her room for the would-be dominators
of Neopia. As they sat on their furry rounded bottoms on her bed (leaving horrid
clumps of moulting green fur on her blanket, but Holly thought it best to mention
anything in case she found out what this "Obliteratron ZL68" really was), she
sat and stared at them intently as they munched away at their meal.

"So," she began in a tone she hoped was inconspicuous,
"you're aliens from another planet, huh?"

"I would usually have retorted with a witty
remark of sarcasm if my mind weren't already fully focused on the delights of
this flour and egg-based culinary meal," Conqueror One muttered with a silencing
wave of its tentacle.

"Are, you know, all Gleeps as big as
you?" the Ixi asked softly, knowing full well that what she really meant was
small, but decided against it.

"Wait, you have heads?" asked the Faerie Ixi,
staring more intently for any signs of where their face stopped and their body
began.

"You know what we meant, it was merely a measurement
we thought you'd understand," belched Conqueror One, wiping his tri-fanged mouth
with a greasy tentacle. "Those were good waffles, but on a universal scale I
only give them VIII out of X."

It took some time for Holly to translate these
into numbers, but when she did, her brow furrowed. "8 out of 10?" she exclaimed
incredulously, snatching the empty plates away from the bloated aliens. "And
what, may I ask, was so wrong with my owner's waffles?"

"You may ask," Conqueror Two muttered graciously,
"and in fact there was nothing wrong with the waffles themselves…"

"Then what caused you to refuse us the two numerals?"

"Two words, one for each point; knife and fork.
You do have them on this primitive planet, I hope? Or is that another
thing we must introduce when we take over?"

"We have them, all right," Holly growled angrily,
"I just thought that they would be hard to use with those wretched tentacles
of yours…and what do you mean 'when you take over?' What else do you
intend to introduce to us?"

"Manners," the two Gleep announced in unison
before rising into the air and sweeping out of the door to resume their examination
into Neopia's culture and whether it would be worth conquering.

This was something Holly had every intention
of stopping…even if it meant playing dirty…