Tag Archive: boyfriend

The one hundred-thirteenth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “When did you have the weakest self-confidence ever?”

Oh, geez…this is a hard one for me. A whole bunch of answers pop into my head at once, and ranking them isn’t incredibly easy. When I really think about it, if you asked my friends when they thought I had the weakest self-confidence, I’m pretty sure their answers would be very different from the one I have to give here. Theirs would sound much more reasonable and logical than mine, but I do believe mine to be more accurate, based on how I actually felt.

See, it would stand to reason that the times I had the weakest self-confidence would be when I allowed myself to stay in abusive relationships, even after knowing they were abusive…and certainly, the last ‘relationship’ I was in would be a good contender in that regard…but I don’t think any of those were when my self confidence was the lowest. I think, in fact, that my self confidence was the lowest when I started to heal from those abuses, as odd as that might sound to say.

I’m not sure I really can (or even want to) explain why I feel that way in a way that will make sense, but what it comes down to is that when I finally got into a healthy, stable relationship with someone, who supported me and allowed me to be vulnerable to them…I got all kinds of fucked up. Apparently that’s a completely normal response to something like that, but at the time it really didn’t feel like it; it felt like I had finally found someone who loved and respected me and wanted to help me overcome my past, but that instead of being all I could be for them, I was a massive ball of anxiety and mental illness instead. The reason why makes sense; I was not at all used to having a healthy relationship and therefore had no idea how one would work, so I had to basically un-learn everything I had ever known about relationships for 28 years, and learn something entirely new, which is overwhelmingly difficult…but despite logic, it just felt, to me, like I was a horrible person.

There is a lot more detail I could go into on this one, and part of me feels like I should, but most of me is just having a really hard time writing this, because I am massively sick and it’s messing with my brain something awful…so before I make this really weird or incoherent (I’m really just hoping I haven’t done that already), I’m going to end it. Sorry, guys; this might have been a good one, but I just don’t have it in me at all right now. Damn illness…

The one hundred-fourth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “When were you most and least selfish?”

I always feel wrong answering these questions, because I feel like there should be an answer that is obvious to me, and I should feel bad for not finding it right away because it means I’m not accepting how selfish I really am…but I’m also aware of how bad that sounds for me on its own, so I’ll just move on. I’m not sure when I have been most and least selfish, so I’ll just pick the first examples of selfishness that come to mind for me.

So, for most selfish, I’ll say I was the most selfish when I convinced my boyfriend to keep his motorcycle, despite that it would have helped him out a lot financially to sell it, just because I didn’t know if I could do without it.

As for least selfish, I think I’ll go with when I had my son, considering I really didn’t want to have the baby and was very much wanting to go the abortion route, but had him anyway because his father and my family really wanted me to. Though I’m not sure if that counts as unselfish because I was motivated in that direction by massive amounts of guilt…but I’m not going to try to think of another time I was unselfish, so we’ll leave it at that.

The one hundredth (!) question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who was the least attractive person you were ever attracted to?”

I hate to say it, but this is a bit of a hard one for me, because when a relationship ends for me, once I get closure I tend to be completely incapable of finding that person attractive ever again. Not just “I don’t want to date you again”, but rather that I don’t really see what I found attractive about them in the first place. That is not all-encompassing, of course; usually we can remain friends, and I can see a lot of redeeming qualities in them (and some have so many that I will still “gush” about all their positive traits), but it certainly affects how I view them physically, because for me, physical attraction is largely based on my mental/emotional connection to an individual.

That being said, there are a couple of people who popped to mind right away when I read this question, because the negative qualities that they had that broke us up are still quite apparent in them, to the point that I’m not sure how I ever “put up with” them, and of course, that makes them quite unattractive to me in the physical sense, as well. It is to the point, with a couple of them, that I just absolutely do not understand what I ever saw in them physically, because when I look closely at pictures of them now, I cannot find anything at all that I would be attracted to.

Now, I guess I should say that I have never dated anyone that I found unattractive before entering the relationship. My “tastes” are very broad, so I can find a large range of different types of people attractive, because again, it’s mostly based on personality for me anyway, so I found them all attractive when I was dating them. It’s just looking back on them now that makes me able to view them as unattractive.

But even though a couple of people came to mind when I read this question, there is only one person whose photos, if I see them, will consistently make me feel actively nauseous, and that’s the guy I very briefly dated before I met my current boyfriend. It’s kind of funny, because I’ve been in relationships where I have been raped, used and abused, yet I can still find those individuals more attractive than this guy. Why? Because he was a potentially very scary, and definitely very abusive jackass, who tried to manipulate me into believing he was otherwise (and that I was horrible), because he knew I would be vulnerable to that, given my history…and he let that show far too soon.

When we first met, he seemed like the perfect guy; absolutely “too good to be true”…and he was. The first time I saw him, I found him physically attractive, and that only grew the more he shared with me, and the more I developed feelings for him, but through it all, I couldn’t shake this nasty little feeling of anxiety that I had about him. It was like he was saying and doing all the right things, and I knew I should trust him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually do so. Something was not right, and my gut knew it, but he kept convincing me that it was just the abuse from my past clouding my mind and making me doubt both him and myself. He kept assuring me he would never do those things, and that he didn’t know how anyone could. But still, I just couldn’t get comfortable with him.

In total, we only dated for about a month, and in that time, cracks had already started to show in who he claimed to be. He would get frustrated with me for not being able to make decisions that I had absolutely no basis with which to make, while he did, and he would push me into situations I was not comfortable with, like meeting my friends (which was a huge red flag for me; I’m usually very excited for my significant other to meet my friends, but in this case, I didn’t want him to at all, and kept trying to find ways to stop it from happening, even though I wasn’t quite sure why I didn’t want it…at least I did manage to lie my way out of him meeting my family), and then talk shit about those things (and my friends) later on. He preached “no judgment”, yet he constantly judged me and the people in my life, considering all of us to be “lesser than” because we weren’t as “worldly” as he was.

He also tried to diminish me by repeatedly pointing out things he liked or was interested in (activities, favourite foods, etc.), and talking about how disappointed he was that he wouldn’t get to enjoy those things because “I couldn’t” (because of fears, allergies, foods I disliked, whatever), even though in most of those situations, I tried and tried to get through to him that I wanted to try them. It didn’t matter what I said, or how much I genuinely wanted to try something (or could point out reasons he was wrong in saying I wouldn’t enjoy it, or modifications that could easily be made so I would); if it was something he really liked that he could find any way I might not like, he would essentially ban me from trying it so that he could continue to remind me of how much I was holding him back from the things he loved. Every weekend he visited, we had to have pizza, because he refused to cook for me because I “wouldn’t like what he likes” (even though he claimed to be a phenomenal cook) so it was “for my own good”, and made me very uncomfortable with the idea of cooking for him, because everything I liked was apparently so “bland”.

There were other red flags, as well, but the biggest thing really was how uncomfortable I felt with him, and how I very quickly stopped wanting him to come visit. I didn’t feel right about any of it, and I didn’t see how we could have any sort of future, but he kept telling me how good he was going to be for me, and how I was letting my anxiety hold me back, so because I didn’t want to do that, I stayed.

Then, on Canada Day, we went on a road trip to Six Flags, and that’s where it all fell apart completely. I won’t get into all the gory details, but suffice it to say, I almost had to find another way to get home, and his true colours really showed during that trip. I only made it back to Canada because I managed to convince him I still wanted to be with him, and that I was going to comply with doing the things he wanted to do…but once we were back, I dropped the act and told him “no” when he tried to force me to have sex with him instead of meeting my friend, who had cooked me dinner and was waiting for me (after already telling him no to his suggestion that he invite himself along), and that was the end of that. He was so pissed that I said “no” to him, that I never saw him again after that, aside from when we exchanged a couple of things we’d borrowed from one another (at which point I met him in the parking lot and didn’t even speak to him, because I wanted him to leave as quickly as possible). And I’m not sure I’d ever been happier than I was when I realized it was actually finally over.

So, yeah. Too much, too soon, too scary, and I even got an infection (not an STI, to be clear :P) out of it in the end (which, of course, was all my fault according to him, even though the doctor said otherwise), and now, seeing pictures of him or thinking too much about what happened with him legitimately makes me feel like throwing up. I hate knowing he was in my life for even just as long as he was, and I think he’s the only person I’ve been with who I 100% wish I had never met. I know what I saw “in him”, but it wasn’t who he actually was, and who he actually is is by far the most unattractive person I’ve ever met. And that is all I’ll say about that.

The ninety-first question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who is the person most sensitive to your needs?”

Well, this might be the easiest question yet, and the answer is exactly what you’re probably expecting, since I’ve answered similar questions in the same way before: My wonderful boyfriend. I know, I know, I go on about him on this blog, but he really is the best answer to questions like this! I have never met anyone in my entire life as in tune with me and my needs as he is. He fulfills every one, and he does so with either a smile on his face or an expression of genuine empathy and concern, and always with endless patience.

I’m sure previous questions have made it very clear that he fulfills my needs sexually, but he also fulfills them socially, and he is so sensitive to my mental and emotional needs that he can often identify when there’s something going on with me (and even, sometimes, exactly what it is) before I have even fully realized that there is. He is so incredibly observant it’s unbelievable, to the point that he can notice the slightest difference in my mind or mood immediately when it happens, and he knows when to be concerned and push, and when to let it go. He has been able to figure out problems for me that I didn’t even know I had, when I’ve been feeling upset but don’t know why, and he always knows exactly what to do to make me feel better – and when to do that versus when to just hold me and let me grieve.

I truly never thought it was possible to find someone so sensitive to me and my needs, and who could make everything feel so safe and seamless. I never have to worry about him getting angry with me because I’m upset, I never have to feel alone when something is wrong (even when I try to pull away, he knows just how to bring me back, and he always does), he has more patience than anyone I’ve ever met, and I’m just so lucky that he is so sweet, caring and empathetic. I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I’m so grateful for having him.

So, yeah. My boyfriend is most definitely the answer for this one, and I love him with all my heart for that. 🙂

The eighty-seventh question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most interesting kind of life to lead?”

A life free of fear. If you could live life fearlessly, you could do anything. I don’t mean being naive or ignorant and living beyond your means (so I guess in that sense, financial security/freedom would also be beneficial), but within reason and/or if you had the resources to do what you wanted, being free of fear would allow you to experience so many different and wonderful things, and I can’t think of much that would be more rewarding than that.

I mean, just imagine it: Every day is full of possibilities for someone without fear. They’re not afraid to be themselves, to meet people, to go out and dance in the street if they want to, to try new foods, to take a few days off and just disappear to somewhere they’ve never been, to love whoever they want without worrying about rejection, to be passionate about things, to just….really live. When I talk about an “interesting” lifestyle, I always picture those people who are always off on some new and fantastic adventure, trying something I could only dream of, and they just seem so happy.

Honestly, that’s the kind of life I want. I want to face all my fears by jumping into them headfirst, and just finally start experiencing things. My boyfriend is very much the adventurous type, and I can’t wait to experience everything I can with him. I hope we are someday in a position that will allow us to travel, so he can teach me to do all the things he does already, and so we can find new experiences that he hasn’t had, and try those together. I will be afraid; that much I know for sure…but I hope someday I won’t be. I want to have things to do, stories to tell, and adrenaline rushing through my veins. I’ve never felt more alive than I have since I met my boyfriend and started trying things with him that I was afraid of, and I feel like if I can keep that up, my life will not only be a thousand times more satisfying, but probably also healthier..and definitely happier.

So, a life without fear; that’s the life for me. It would definitely be much more interesting than the life I’ve led thus far!

The eighty-first question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What was your most Freudian moment?”

God, I have no idea how I could possibly answer this. I have Freudian slips all the time (and lately autocorrect has a lot of them for me, like when it changed “safe place” to “warplane” when I was talking about having to meet my boyfriend’s ex-wife), so I’m not sure how I could pick one that was more significant than all the rest. Most of the time, they’re just kind of funny when they happen, but other times they can actually be quite poignant and make me aware of things I didn’t even know I was thinking or feeling…but I can’t think of any examples of that right now, unfortunately, so I haven’t got a good answer for this question. Sorry!

The eightieth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most spontaneous you have ever been?”

I’m not normally a very spontaneous person, though that’s something I’ve been hoping for a long time would change about me…so it’s hard for me to think of anything spontaneous I’ve really done at any point before the past 8 months or so. I say that because I have done a few spontaneous things with my current boyfriend, since I met him, so I can go into a few of those here…but I still feel like there must be something further back that would fit better here. I’m probably wrong, though.

Anyway, the spontaneity with regards to my current boyfriend started, actually, the first day I met him, almost exactly 8 months ago. I was home with my son, trying to figure out what we would do for the day and chatting online with him (the man who would become my boyfriend), when he suddenly invited me and my son to join him and his son for a picnic play-date at a local park. Now, usually I would have instantly said no to a request like that, because I’d never met the guy so I couldn’t be sure I’d want my son around him, because I had no time to mentally prepare for meeting someone new (it’s surprisingly hard and anxiety provoking for me), because at the time I had lost my voice to laryngitis, and some other reasons that aren’t coming to the front of my mind right now but I know I had…but he assured me that the loss of voice was no problem, and that that would be a silly reason not to meet, and the attitude he had, combined with the things we’d talked about and how comfortable with and drawn to him I’d felt since we first started chatting, led me to say yes.

In the time between saying yes and actually getting to the park, I thought of backing out multiple times, but by that point I’d already told my son what we were doing and taken him to pick up new sand toys to play with at the beach (there was a small one at the park we were going to), and I didn’t want to disappoint him, so I went along with it anyway. So, spontaneous action #1, which led to an amazing picnic, 6 hours together playing with the kids, and a plan to take the kids out on the harbour the following Sunday.

After that, the spontaneity continued with him asking me, late on Monday night (we met on Sunday), to go for a walk with him at a lake I’d never even heard of before, a bit of a distance from my home. The friend I was with when he asked this of me thought I was crazy for considering going, but go I did, meeting him at midnight in a grocery store parking lot. We ended up walking all around the lake and surrounding neighbourhood until 3:30 am, talking. Our first date was that following Thursday, and was once again a situation where he asked me last minute if I wanted to go out with him, and I just couldn’t pass it up.

A couple of weeks later, we’d seen each other almost (if not) every day, and it was at that point that we got to talking about his motorcycle, and how much it meant to him. Up to that point, I’d been very afraid of motorcycles, but I could see how much he loved it, so when he suggested we go out for a ride that night, after I told him I’d be willing to try it sometime…well, as you can probably guess, I did. At midnight that night, I hopped on the back of his bike, and off we went for a spontaneous ride. We were gone two hours, at least, and it was just fantastic. I’ve loved the bike ever since.

There have been some other spontaneous situations with him since then, but those are the most notable to me, and certainly stick out far better than any spontaneous situations I may have had that didn’t involve him. And let me tell you; I regret absolutely none of those spontaneous decisions. They were some of the best decisions in my life, and I look forward to more in the future.

The seventy-fifth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who had the best body you ever made love with?”

Oh, this is by far the easiest question I’ve had yet! Hands down, without a doubt, the ‘award’ for best body I’ve ever made love with goes to my current boyfriend. Mmmm, dear god, that boy…strong, sexy back, perfect ass, gorgeous biceps and abs, and….well, I’ll leave it at that, because the rest is TMI 😉 But yes, no question whatsoever; he’s got the best body. And I’m not just saying that because he’s the one I’m currently with, because he’ll probably never even see this; he really is worlds above the people I’ve been with in the past. I could look at him naked all day…which is why I’m lucky that he prefers to be naked. I’ve never really cared much about men’s bodies until him, but I don’t know how I could possibly resist his body. It’s just perfect. And now, off to daydream about that…

The sixty-third question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the sexiest thing anyone has ever worn for you?”

Well, no girl has ever intentionally dressed sexy for me, and I don’t think any man has ever intentionally dressed up in a suit or anything like that for me either, so…it’s hard to say if anyone has ever worn anything sexy just for me. But if we just go with what the sexiest thing anyone’s ever worn in my presence was, that would be (hands down) my boyfriend wearing nothing but his underwear. They are incredibly flattering on him, and draw attention to his gorgeous back, abs and perfect ass…so yeah, that’d be the one. I’m pretty sure it’s actually the only thing any guy has ever worn around me that I actually thought *was* sexy…which sounds bad, but I mean come on; girls just have much better bodies! Clothes are so much more flattering on them! But him in his underwear, yeah, I can handle that. Mmmmmhmmm. That’s a happy thought.

The sixty-first question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What are the best and worst letters you have ever received in the mail?”

Questions like these are hard for me because I have an extremely terrible memory, and I don’t want to give an answer and then realize that there was a much, much better one that just didn’t come to me at the time of writing. But since there’s nothing I can really do about that, as I can’t force myself to remember things I don’t, I guess I’ll just have to go with the first ones that come to mind. And by “first ones that come to mind”, I mean first ones that come to mind the second time writing this, as WordPress deleted my first attempt. -_-

Anyway, what was the best letter I ever received in the mail? Well, that’s a bit hard to say, as I’ve received many wonderful letters in the past; mostly from ex-boyfriends. The ones I loved the most were certainly the letters and drawings my long distance boyfriend in high school sent me, the poems a boyfriend I had before having my son sent me, and the beautiful letters my longest running boyfriend sent me while we were living together. I have to say that I think the latter letters were probably my absolute favourites, as I loved not only the letters themselves, but the fact that he knew me well enough to know how much receiving physical mail meant to me, so he made sure I got some that not only wasn’t just flyers, but was actually really special and loving. Those letters meant the world to me then, and I’ll always hold them dear to my heart, because that was such a thoughtful and romantic gesture. So I’m not entirely sure which of those letters I would say was the best one, but I definitely have to say it would have been one of his. 🙂

Now, the worst letter? I’m really not sure. I can’t really remember getting a lot of bad mail, though I’m sure I have…so I guess I’d have to go with something from the CRA, because mail from them is almost never good. But there’s not much more to say about that, so…that’s all for now!