KEEPIN’ IT SLEAZY: MARCH 2014

DRAWING A LINE IN THE SEXUAL ARENA

Not too long ago, a friend of mine found herself having a sexual relationship with a neo-Nazi. My friend is not a bigot or a racist or a subscriber to any neo-Nazi beliefs. She doesn’t routinely spend time with people who do fit these characteristics — in fact, this friend could generally be described as a bleeding-heart leftie. So what, you may be wondering, had this girl fucking a lunatic fascist? It was a penis she describes in terms like “magnificent,” “beautiful” and “something worthy of a gallery.” The eventual killing stroke was his refusal to perform oral sex. Her defense for these actions was that who she chooses to share her body with is not a political statement. For all intents and purposes, I agree with this — people should not be subjected to shame, judgment, or accused of moral ambiguity based on who they sleep with.

However, I’m certain that most people have slept with someone who possesses characteristics they find fundamentally repulsive. Maybe they’re a closet racist. Maybe they’re rude to wait staff. Maybe they use pick-up artist tactics. Maybe they don’t give up their seat on the train for old people, or they constantly show up an hour late to meet you because they were watching televised golf. Whatever the specifics, you have probably slept with someone who is exhibiting clear signs of douchebaggery. It is with this in mind that I offer a modest proposal to save the human race from itself and effectively end all evil. It’s simple: we need to stop fucking jerks.

At first glance, this may seem like a horror show manipulation tactic straight out of an issue of Cosmo circa 1970. Please don’t misinterpret me. I’m not talking about some conniving “power of the pussy” movement. I’m saying that if we attempted to unify lust and genuine respect for the individuals we screw, we’d save everyone a lot of grief. For starters, we would spare ourselves any self-loathing that accompanies sexual liaisons with assholes. However, more importantly, we need to acknowledge that by having sex with people who suck we are endorsing bad behaviour. Slimeballs come in all shapes, sizes and genders, and, if you’re fucking one of them, you’re essentially telling them that you’re cool with their slime — that they can keep moseying along and still get laid. I won’t argue that sex is an all-transcending force, but it’s still pretty awesome. It can even be defined as a biological need for most people.

Think about it: desire for sexual validation dictates a fair amount of modern human behaviour, from going to the gym to getting an education. Before you argue, consider, what would be your ideal characteristics in a partner? Even if the qualities we cultivate aren’t primarily driven by sex, it plays a supporting role. In turn, it stands to reason that a person would seek to eliminate or at least stifle qualities that actively prevent them from getting laid, social evolution style. Therefore, if shittiness is a societal disease, we may have found the cure.

As John Waters once famously said, “If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em! Don’t sleep with people who don’t read!” I view this statement as a broad-spectrum appeal to have any sex you’re going to have with wonderful, funny, intelligent, kind, kickass and interesting people. You may choose not to use your genitals as the site of political statement but whether you like it or not, they’re making a social and personal one.