Teany – Moby’s over-hyped tea house

As a resident of the Lower East Side and a tea fanatic, it was only a matter of time before I came to Teany. Teany is owned by Moby, a popular electronic musician. I was initially turned off by the vegan-friendliness, but a slice of Carrot Cake ($5.50) seemed to be a safe and popular choice. Overwhelmed by their selection of teas–98 to be exact–I went with a pot of their best seller, Earl Grey Creme ($5.50).

The frosting of the carrot cake was exceptional. It wasn’t overly sweet and the texture was smooth, not grainy at all. However, the cake bit felt densely mushy and very cold. In addition to that, the presentation was a bit of a mess (which matters for dessert). Overall, it was overpriced and gave vegan food a bad reputation for me.

I thought the tea should have been the best part, but it was just as underwhelming. I drink without sugar and milk, so I was intrigued by the description, “vanilla bean…dessert tea.” It tasted like standard lady earl grey without citrus. In it’s place there wasn’t a hint of vanilla at all. The pot contained about 5-6 cups, but it began tasting metallic by the 4th cup and I gave up.

My misery should have ended there, but the awful, loud pop music made things worse (and ruined the tea house atmosphere). I’d think Moby would have better music playing. The waitress was more interested in singing with Bruno Mars than giving me change, which was returned to me 15 minutes later. It wasn’t busy at all, there was no apology, and I had to cut my afternoon short.