2005-08-17

a reflective ego

I always feel like Death is looking over my shoulder.Its very difficult for me to make plans since whenever I do, i wonder "will i be alive then?"Very odd i think.Am i afraid of the future?Or have i been so completly bombarded with the facts and statistics of today that I, like many others in Gen X/Y, feel that life itself is worth very little and can be taken at any given moment by any given event?I think this notion also works itself into my psyche when undertaking new projects, that my subconcious feels it doesnt want to leave anything unfinished, and since i could leave at any moment, whats the point in starting anything?whats inside that makes me think underneath and sideways?I frequently feel as if I am part of an experiment, and that i am constantly being tested on my reactions to things, forever thinking them through, rarely acting without weighing consequences. As if "is this the way a normal person would react or should i do it this way because maybe this is the way a normal person would react?"forever questioning, perhaps i dont trust myself?I wonder.hm.