Lifestyle

A letter to my younger self about learning from my first relationship

When I was younger, I always remember having crushes on guys. Whether they lasted a month or a few years, nothing ever came from it. I was shy and insecure; my parents’ marriage had affected me throughout life. It left me lacking hope in finding someone, craving a love I never really saw. I never expected, then that everything would change. I made a goal to myself in my first year of university to be more confident, to finally get my first kiss, or be in my first relationship*. Added to that, I never imagined that the boy I’d secretly liked for months would want to date me? Kiss me? Like me? *Kind of.

…Then it all falls apart.

But that’s the thing with the first proper person you’re involved with, even though you fear it could end, you never really expect it to. For them to suddenly fall out of ‘love’ when he so explicitly said he wanted it to work.

No one can really prepare you for your first relationship, so here’s an open letter to my younger self.

Dear 19-year-old me,

He’s going to treat you so well. I mean he’ll treat you so well that it’ll hurt like hell when he withdraws. You’ll realise you didn’t know how nice he actually was. Then when he’s busy with someone new, (but still leads you on and keeps coming into your life), it’ll hurt even more.

Then he’ll open up to you about his past. He’ll even take you to his favourite places because you “mean that much”, and then he’ll introduce you to his mum. Of course you’re just supposed to pretend like that never happened.

You’ll be up till 3am talking about personal stuff, connecting to each other and it’s the most heart-warming thing. Even if it is tiring, it’s worth it.

You’ll exchange your favourite songs, and he’ll recommend new things to listen to. It’s ace. But just maybe keep in mind, one day this person may not be in your life anymore, and those songs will hurt a lot. Listening to The Chain- Fleetwood Mac still gets to me.

He will introduce you to all his friends, and you’ll be blissfully ignorant to the importance of these actions. How he repeatedly introduces you to them, because he really does likes you that much. And you just didn’t really realise. He’ll even want to meet your friends and know how you really feel.

That’s when it happens, he wants you to go back to his after your night out. Everything changes because you say no. You’re inexperienced, worried and feel like you don’t know what you’re doing. This becomes a regret, because you never really explained this to him.

Communication starts dwindling, he becomes distant, and this is where it all goes wrong… So how does it go from all that to this?

That’s the question so many people ask. Suddenly a month has passed, and you have that gut feeling that something’s changed and that’s it. He never said anything, and when you finally ask, it’s too late.

He’ll say you’re better off as friends, and all the good times are locked in your mind as memories you’ll never be able to relive. And I guess you need to accept that. Even though you probably thought he was the love of your life.

It was a good experience no matter how painful it felt when it ended. Every hurt is a lesson learned and I’ll smile bitter-sweetly thinking of what we had. So, take those regrets, and improve who you are. I’m positive your next relationship will be better.

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