So my Vauxhall Zafira (120,000 miles) has a fcuked gearbox, and other mechanical problems that will cost Â£000s to fix. Plus the bodywork is somewhat dented in that the rear tailgate is stoved in where I backed it into a wall (as you do).

I'm buying another car, rather than pay to fix the old wreck. Question is, what do I do with the old thing? I imagine that to attempt to get any trade in value would be an embarrassing failure involving lots of young sales geeks laughing and pointing at me. (Is that right?) I can't sell it - its far too fcuked. Will the garage dispose of it for me? Will it cost me? Or do I have to arrange for its disposal myself, and if so, then how, and at what cost?

Try scrapping it, you might be surprised at how much a scrap yard will pay for it. I wrote my '96 Fiesta off 12 months ago, I knew I couldn't sell it for more than Â£500 (just) but a local scrap yard came over inspected the damaged car and offered me Â£1500 for it!

Glasgow Airport is no good. There's this nails jock works there who'd kick my fcuking head in if I tried it. I have thought of all the illegal scams possible, but ruled them out on the grounds that I want to survive with my reputation untarnished (and no criminal record, plus no insurance companies suing my ass off)