We broke up at 8 weeks :\ In-laws

I became pregnant (total accident, precum baby, off my cycle) after getting into a relationship with the guy of my dreams. He always said how I make his dreams so much bigger. He’s 30, I’m 26.

At five weeks, he said he was going to marry me this August because he didn’t want the baby to be at our wedding. He came with me to the first prenatal and would have me over for several days at a time (my rule was I wouldn’t move in with him because this man has lived with three women, two who had babies of their own, and I feel like living with a man and taking care of all his needs without marriage can lead to no marriage at all because they naturally take advantage).

He was semi-excited, would talk about having more kids and how we would raise them.

Anyway, as I became more pregnant my personality lost a lot of humor. He began picking on how I stood, how I phrased my words, my posture, my passionate energy, etc. I stood up for myself. On top of that I also developed extreme nausea that made me less cuddly and want no sex, but I still told him I loved him. It was just the hormones.

Two days ago at 8 weeks pregnant, he told me he wanted to wait until after the baby was born to see if he still liked me while not pregnant, or just for me to wait in general for me to propose.

It went back and forth in a mini-fight, as I am growing his child and never wanted to be living with a man’s child while waiting for a proposal. Plus he had had several conversations before this confirming we’d get married, so my family was already making plans.

I just felt hopeless, the same way some women wait around for a man to be their boyfriend. At one point he even said, “There’s no reason you can’t chase your dreams and raise this baby alone.”

Anyway, we sat to watch tv (the disagreement was broken up because I had to throw up, which lasted for 5 hours 😂 and his MOM called (she’s also his accountant, so my mother suspects she influenced him based on money but I have no idea) and I heard everything.

“Did you have the conversation?” “Yes,” he said “Is she there now?” “Yes”

After they hung up, I asked if she influenced him on this. He declined but said she and his dad supported him. I felt frozen.

I felt backed into a corner... because honestly, I come from a good family, better off than they are, and I’m helping him build his business. I’m a very driven person. I felt like I was being forced into this vulnerable position where I was the “girl who got pregnant” and should depend on him entirely with no commitment. They all expected me to stay with him whereas he could leave me and lose nothing at any time.

They had had a fancy dinner before with my parents after we announced the pregnancy, so this was especially weird to treat me this way.

I got up to call my parents. He DID NOT want me to which was a red flag for me. I explained that he had HIS parents support and that I wasn’t angry, I just felt low. I needed their input. If he thinks I’m direct, my parents are butt kickers.

Both my parents thought about it and called me back.

They said, “This isn’t about you anymore, this is your baby’s life. You need to break up with him and leave. The more dependent you become, the more you lose. He’s being wishy washy. You can’t depend on the idea that he will fall more and more in love with you as you get more pregnant. Pregnancy is hard and he’s already getting grossed out. Go home, tell him we’ll raise the baby (I have two parents and 8 siblings at their house) and we will stay friendly with him, and he can see his baby every weekend.”

My dad especially said, “He’s electing to be a weekend dad, and now I have to be the father.”

My boyfriend heard everything as I got off the phone. I told him that I don’t think this was what he wanted. Previously he had always talked about having MORE time for the child while together, now he’d have even less. We both said we loved each other. He said, “I feel really pressured. He’s right. If I won’t commit now, maybe I never will and I just shouldn’t be involved.”

He wasn’t mean or mad, just weak, and crawled into a little ball with a moping face. I said, “ok” unwilling to try to convince him.

I explained to him that I didn’t want him at the birth, and that I was getting full custody but he was welcome on the weekends. I also said there’d be no sleeping over at his parents house (lol I don’t know why I said that 😂 I was mad at them).

I packed my things and left without goodbye. I deactivated all my social media because I don’t want to see his stuff after we’ve broken up and I don’t want my “in-laws” watching the progression of my pregnancy. The more they see, the more they may want to control.

He hasn’t called or texted me since. It hurts that he didn’t fight for me more. I’m going to be friendly if he reaches out because I DO want my baby to have a daddy but I also want to be independent (no child support) because I don’t want him to be inclined to get joint custody. I think he’s too weak and non-confrontational to fight me for it, but it’s the mother I’m worried about.

Comments (29)

Hugs. Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have a great support system though.

My only advice is to keep everything legal. Even if you don't think you need to pursue full legal custody (check in with a lawyer, things vary by state) because he isn't fighting you on it, you still want to have it. Because 5 years down the road, he might change his mind and then it will be a harder fight than it is now while he is agreeable.

Also, child support isn't about you. It is about your baby, and is something your baby deserves. He should contribute financially to your baby. Even if you don't *need* it, you should still get it. Again, what if you do need it in 5 years? It is much easier to have that established up front. Don't be vindictive about it. But it is something he should be paying for your child. As a side note, if you ever need any kind of government aide THEY will want him to be contributing. So it is way better to have that from the beginning.

Hugs. Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have a great suppo...

Posted
07/17/2019

Hugs. Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have a great support system though.

My only advice is to keep everything legal. Even if you don't think you need to pursue full legal custody (check in with a lawyer, things vary by state) because he isn't fighting you on it, you still want to have it. Because 5 years down the road, he might change his mind and then it will be a harder fight than it is now while he is agreeable.

Also, child support isn't about you. It is about your baby, and is something your baby deserves. He should contribute financially to your baby. Even if you don't *need* it, you should still get it. Again, what if you do need it in 5 years? It is much easier to have that established up front. Don't be vindictive about it. But it is something he should be paying for your child. As a side note, if you ever need any kind of government aide THEY will want him to be contributing. So it is way better to have that from the beginning.

Thanks! In my state the child support goes down a little bit, but is mandatory, if he pursues joint custody.

My intention is not to put up big neon signs when the baby comes which I would do if he gets notified of child support. Because I know the mother will push him to go for custody. It depends how much involvement he has. If he asks, I’ll tell him the baby is here.

This way, if he wants custody, then he has a big bill to pay along with it.

I think he, himself, doesn’t want custody. But she will push for it just to control my baby’s life and I’m not okay with that being the reason not to have full control.

I am sorry your going through this. He sounds very immature and still relying on his mom and dad opinions which you don’t want anyway you want someone independent.
As far as child support goes don’t be afraid to collect. I am sorry to say this but the best thing you did was not get married. Everything becomes Grey once you get married.

Be strong op you’ll get past this bump in the road and fine someone worth you and child time

Thanks! In my state the child support goes down a little bit, but is mandator...

Last edited
07/17/2019

Thanks! In my state the child support goes down a little bit, but is mandatory, if he pursues joint custody.

My intention is not to put up big neon signs when the baby comes which I would do if he gets notified of child support. Because I know the mother will push him to go for custody. It depends how much involvement he has. If he asks, I’ll tell him the baby is here.

This way, if he wants custody, then he has a big bill to pay along with it.

I think he, himself, doesn’t want custody. But she will push for it just to control my baby’s life and I’m not okay with that being the reason not to have full control.

Take it from someone who’s been there. Always take the lead when it comes to your child. MIL (mother-in-law) can be a nightmare. I moved out of state and her son was in prison and he began suing ME for custody... smh.. he never would have if it wasn’t for his mother bc he was too weak himself. It was a nightmare. He got joint custody and fought child support so hard that the courts had him pay minimum. I had moved out of state so bc he was the one who filed I had to pay all expenses flying room and board rental car and food every time there was a hearing or meeting. If I had been proactive and went for full custody beforehand I would have had the upper hand. So my advice is to always stay one step ahead love. Always ...

You have an amazing family who is there to support you and I’m sorry you’re going through this but you’re stronger than you think!

Honestly, the same thing happened to me when I had my first. I know that this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but it is what it is.
My boyfriend, now husband for almost 11 years, was freaked out after I told him I was pregnant. He was 19 and I was 24. I understood why he freaked out. All of his friends were immature and selfish. He highly relied on the advice of others. Everyone said, kick me out. So, he did. I moved into my parents' house. They were very angry and just about hated him. I talked to him every day. This is your baby. Are you going to be in his life? I don't think it's fair to him that you leave just because you're afraid. Stand up and be a man! Finally the day came that my son arrived. My husband (then sort of boyfriend in limbo) was there and when he looked at his son, he cried tears of joy. He leaned over and asked me to marry him. I said yes, because I knew he was a good man, scared, but good. Three months later, we got married. I don't regret it one bit. We had another boy shortly after, and now we are having a third 10 years later! My parents certainly warmed up to him, I think they like him more than me!

Men don't understand pregnancy, therefore, when they don't know what to expect, they freak out. It's not real to them. Maybe give him some space, then talk to him. Tell him you want his own personal feelings and thoughts about the baby and your relationship, not his parents'. Maybe it will stay the same, maybe it will change. The point is, you'll know for sure.

You are right. He sounds weak and immature. It's like he was getting excited at the idea of a baby but as soon as reality hit him he backed out. Your family sounds great and I admire your decision to be independent. I wish you all the best, you can do it!

I think you did the right thing and it's awesome that you have such a great support system.

While he may not want to fight, I wouldn't trust the mother. If you don't want the risk of having a hard fight on your hands have a consultation with every good lawyer in the area so that way he is unable to use them should it come to that.

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