When Penn Police Officer Bob Johnson received a cheese-related noise complaint at 39th and Spruce on his police scanner on Saturday night, he knew that there was no time for backup. Even though he’d heard stories of Penn’s rampant drug culture, He hadn't expected to run in to such an extreme example of substance abuse occurring right under his nose. With a level of courage that’s usually only reserved for prime time television, Bob raided the Beta house at 12:30 am to put an end to the milk-fueled madness.

Bobert was rattled by the blatant disregard for human life unfolding before his eyes. He’d never seen so much product being moved in one place. Bricks of cheddar and gruyere were stacked to the ceiling between piles of unmarked hundred dollar bills and foaming beakers overflowing with melted butter. Dairy might not be a schedule 1 controlled substance in the eyes of the DEA just yet, but Bob had seen too many good people taken out by milk and cheese overdoses to sit idly by.

He acted swiftly, neutralizing the situation and shutting down the "philanthropic event" in minutes. Bob expertly identified the scam as a blatant attempt to launder money. Thinking quickly, he confiscated the proceeds for the “charity” that the sisters of Alpha Phi claimed to be supporting. Women's heart health can wait.

Following this fiasco, the Office of Alcohol and Other Drugs is looking to crack down on other cheese-related events in the future in an effort to reduce harm caused by lactose abuse on campus. “We’ve conducted several polls that show that approximately 90% of Penn’s students binge on cheese pizza on Saturday nights, a disturbing trend that we’re looking to stomp out,” an AOD representative told us in an impassioned statement.