Author tackles the questions Emily Post never faced

Nearly 90 years after Emily Post wrote what at the time was the definitive guide to etiquette, Steven Petrow has added what he calls the definitive guide to LGBT life: “Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners”.

In the book, he answers new etiquette questions as varied as what form of PDA (public display of affection) is appropriate for gay men and lesbians (he says it can vary and for sure is different from straight people) along with the very modern question of using Facebook to come out.

Petrow has been writing about gay and lesbian manners for 15 years mostly online at Advocate.com, The Huffington Post, Yahoo!, GayWeddings.com and on his popular site www.gaymanners.com.

Much of what appears in the book is adapted from his column “Queeries,” which is a frank Q&A on gay and lesbian lifestyles and manners.

“In the gay community, there all these novel situations, such as same-sex marriages and people coming out,” Petrow said.

He became interested in the topic because there wasn’t a one-stop guide for gays on both the right way and the good way to do something.

“In traditional manners’ books we are invisible¸” he said.

He also said that the book is a good reference for straight workers who are more and more coming into contact with LGBT individuals in the workplace: “Just about everyone has a gay in their life, and the ultimate reason I wrote the book is to have all of us talk more and bridge the gap.”

He said the book will help people to respond properly to situations, such as when people come out, and to questions such as how to refer correctly to a same-sex partner.

Petrow called the book a “collective project,” having interviewed more than 200 individuals in the gay world as varied as wedding planners, personal trainers and psychologists.

He also did extensive online polling through his “Queeries” column and his Facebook postings.

“The Facebook aspect was so helpful to me," he said. "It gave me the pulse of public opinion and to see where the groove was.”

He said his book tour has uncovered what he calls “a fair amount of vitriol” from some individuals in the media. He cites as an example one question from a radio interviewer who asked “why gay men are effeminate.”

“Talk about a stereotype. That was inappropriate at best and harmful at the worst. I was really hoping the book would push the need for respect and that we can talk to each other with respect.It’s better to hear what people are thinking — say it, and we can talk about it.”

Petrow said that he is especially encouraged by the number of teenagers that have responded to surveys on social media about modern manners.

Petrow’s guide is no pamphlet-like throwaway. Coming in at more than 400 pages, it answers weighty questions, such as “which name goes first in a salutation of a letter or e-mail to a gay couple.”

“Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners” also offers advice on issues that cut across the board with both gays and straights. For example, in a section called “digital etiquette 101” Petrow has hints that U.S. Rep, Anthony Weiner could have used when it comes to texting: “Don’t! If you text a picture of your naked body, even just one part of it to a friend, it’s pretty much the same as posting it permanently on the Internet.”

Some items that were not found in Emily Post’s guide to manners pop up in Petrow’s with regularity. Post never had to deal with civil disobedience or kiss-ins. Petrow’s three points to remember for a kiss-in are “be clean and kissable, share the joy, and no tongues.”

Petrow also covers some significantly more serious issues, such as dealing with anti-gay bullying, telling someone his HIV status before sex and the best way to ask someone to donate sperm.

One similarity between Petrow’s guide to manners and Posts’ is advice on weddings. The author said he received the most questions about weddings.

He also offers one final piece of advice to straights: “When you hear an anti-gay joke, the right thing to do is say, ’Not so funny.’”

You can reach out to Petrow through Facebook.com/gay manners, twitter.com/gaymanners and gaymanners.com.