Case Number 11587: Small Claims Court

SATAN'S CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST

The Charge

Are you there Satan? It's me, Dave.

The Case

Dear Satan:

Hi. I just watched a movie called Satan's Cannibal Holocaust. I work
for a film review site called DVD Verdict. I was assigned this film to watch and
then write down my reaction. I'm writing to you to ask one simple question: are
you embarrassed at all to have your name associated with crappy horror
movies?

Yeah, you probably get that a lot.

There have been more movies than I can count that either feature you in the
title or include your demonic machinations in its plot. And I would hazard that
the majority of these productions -- by far -- have been less than stellar. In
fact, I think the only one I like was that Halloween episode of Quantum
Leap. That was pretty awesome.

Now I'm not fishing for empathy here. You are a supreme douchebag. The
casting out of Heaven (which you so deserved), the dispatching of your dark
Hellspawn to sew discord among the faithful, the Adam and Eve thing, the way you
acted like a jackass to Jesus, taunting him with bread and the never-ending
appearances in photos of clouds or building explosions, all of that totals an
existence dedicated to pissing people off.

So, sure, you're a jerk, but even the foulest of eternal beings don't
deserve the reputation besmirching you've endured over the course of the years.
Which takes me to the main subject of this latter: Satan's Cannibal
Holocaust.

Has this one crossed your unholy desk yet? It's a low-budget horror movie
about a cult of you-worshippers that kidnaps innocent bystanders, drags them
underground, ties them up, then, after disrobing and engaging in unappetizing
intercourse, mutilates their victims and devours their flesh. There's a lot of
writhing around and misshapen nudity and blood geysers and the folks behind the
gore effects certainly put their heart and soul into grossing out as many as
people as possible, but, frankly, you can find all of that in similar Z-grade
indie horror films, which I'm sure you've viewed ad nauseum, assuming you in
fact get nauseous.

And what's the deal with your followers? They're always portrayed in these
kinds of movies as castoffs from a Cure tribute band. I guess they must just be
drugged with your evilness, but talk about a bunch of stiffs. At least they
don't mind getting lathered up in red dye and rolling around with their privates
exposed. It takes a special kind of minion to get that sticky for their dark
lord.

Unfortunately, they are thwarted by a tenacious reporter, the protagonist of
the story, and whatever malicious vision they had cooked up was lost. I don't
want to tell you how to do your job, and I know you've been at this thing for a
long, long time, but whoever your Director of Recruitment and Retention is, you
need to dump him into the Lake of Fire and post a listing on Monster.com. These
clowns can eat fake internal organs with the best of them, but as far as
efficiently planning and executing a Satanic cannibal holocaust, they fall far
short.

So, copious gore effects aside, I ask you, is there anything you find
worthwhile about this film? I'll give you the decent array of features
(director's commentary, behind-the-scenes feature, gag reel, and a short film)
and the 16x9 anamorphic treatment and, yeah, genre of fans of on-screen
debauchery and no-frills bloodshed may find limited valued here, but at some
point these movies that use your moniker so liberally need to start making
sense.