Why is it so hard for me to talk to him? What’s holding me back? I know what it is. My own fears are holding me back. I guess, in my heart there’s an answer I want, but in my head, there’s the answer I’ll get. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m sitting here wondering how he feels about me, when really, all I have to do is ask him. But knowing that the answer is going to be one I don’t want to hear, it sucks. I’ve been talking to friends and they’re all telling me I need to have this conversation with him. I guess that means I should do something, right?

I can’t believe I’ve spent the last two years emotionally invested in someone who doesn’t even care about me as much as I care about him. Or maybe he does, he’s just not as great at expressing it as I am. See, there I go again. I guess, there have been some subtle hints that he may still slightly feel the same way. For instance, the time I drove into the city with two of my guy friends and he made a point of saying that he was jealous that they got to spend time with me. Then there was the time he was hanging out at his friend’s house and he kept saying how much he missed me and how much he wanted me to be there, like it was pretty insistent to the point where it didn’t even sound like him talking. Maybe it wasn’t. O.o Then there’s everything that happened this summer…all the hugging, cuddling, hand-holding, etc. All the late nights, staying up until 3 in the morning texting each other. What does all of THAT mean?

Even though the possibility of him rejecting me is greater than the chance of him feeling the same way, there’s ALWAYS that slim chance that things could go right. Obviously, I won’t know until I have the talk with him. Why do I like to complicate things? I know I’m only hurting myself by doing that…

I KNOW I need to have this conversation with him. I’ve waited and waited for him to say something, and I’ve finally come to a point where I don’t want to wait around, I CAN’T wait around forever. I need closure. Where that will put our friendship, I don’t know. As much as I don’t want this to have an effect on our friendship, I already know it will. I’ve had feelings for so long that it will absolutely crush me to see him with another girl. He’s been such an important part of my life over these last two years, I just wish he wanted this as much as I do. I always seem to be the one who wants it more, the one who invests more…and I am ALWAYS the one who gets hurt in the end. But I am NOT going to continue to sit here and play the victim card. I need to stand up for myself and I need to say something, and when I look at the bigger picture, the truth is, I would much rather say something now and get hurt, than not say anything at all and always wonder “what if.”

This has been the battle in the back of my mind…do I say something and risk our friendship changing, or do I not say anything at all and continue this self-destructive cycle? As much as I want to put others before myself, I need to do this for ME. I need to reevaluate my own level of happiness and whether I’m truly happy. Honestly, it might be best if I’m gone after next semester. It’s not that I don’t necessarily want to get away from him, but I think I need time to detach.

So he got a little annoyed with me the other night because he said he can’t stand it when people choose to focus on the negative things. Understandable. However, I hate that the conversation became about what I need to change. I know that I’m not always an easy person to deal with. Yes, sometimes I do tend to dwell on the negatives instead of the positives, but I’m working on it. It doesn’t just happen over night. So now, whenever I’m around him, I’m conscious about what I say and how I say it, which sucks. But I mean, it IS something I could work on. No one wants to hang around a Negative Nancy all the time. I get it.

It’s also frustrating because I feel like he’s been a little meaner to me than usual, and I don’t know why that is. I mean, to him it’s probably nothing…but I analyze everything…body language, tone of voice, everything. As an introvert, that’s what I do. It’s unfortunate though because I’m still in that phase where I still like him, and I don’t want to do anything that’ll make him upset/annoyed. But at the same time, I realize that it can’t always be rainbows and butterflies. He told me he may get annoyed and irritated at times, but it doesn’t mean he’ll leave me. That was slightly reassuring I guess.

I feel like the further we go into this semester, the more my mind becomes a complete mess. I NEED to have this conversation with him., but my own fear is holding me back. I want to cry. In my head, I KNOW he doesn’t have those same feelings for me. In my heart, I want to believe that he still does and that this could work. Stupid feelings. I just want them to go away already. This is already painful enough WITHOUT the rejection.

Now it’s only a matter of time. I feel like ever since we started school, “Tom’s” been pulling away from me. Perhaps he started hanging out with that other girl again. The conversations we have aren’t the ones we had over the summer. This sucks. I know I’m going to get hurt, I can feel it coming, and the worst part is that it’s too late. There’s nothing I can do to prevent it. It’s inevitable.

He told me he wants to drive up next weekend but I don’t think that’s going to happen. This sucks…how is it that I’ve had feelings for someone for two years who doesn’t have those same feelings back? I can’t fight them. And the thing is…for a second there, I thought he felt the same. So why hold back? Why try to fight it?

This is dangerous. I don’t like being home alone…just me and my thoughts…in nothing but silence. That’s when the wheels start turning and I think and think and think and think. I don’t know what to do…I think I need to have this talk with him, and better sooner than later.