Marriage Matters: Emotional safety

For such a private relationship, much of a marriage plays out in public view.

James and Audora Burg

For such a private relationship, much of a marriage plays out in public view, whether in front of the children in the home or the public at large.

And segments of the public at large have an inordinate fascination with others’ relationships; witness the industry — gossip magazines, Web sites, television shows — devoted to trafficking in rumor or innuendo about celebrity couplings and uncouplings.

What drives that? It can’t only be voyeurism into the culture of the rich and the beautiful, because such rubber-necking at human drama also occurs on the local level, often at the salon or bar, into the lives of the relatively unknown.

It seems curious, that with the rise of Facebook and other social media outlets, “ordinary” folks freely and gleefully broadcast details and images of the very life situations that celebrities try to shield from the prying lenses of paparazzi.

Facebook and marriage will be a future column, but for now, these things raise the question of boundaries, especially after we read in “Good Housekeeping” magazine that George Stephanopoulos says the secret to his marriage is not reading what his wife tweets via Twitter.

That does not sound like a very good secret to us. Couples who share their lives on such sites have to come to mutual agreement about their relationship’s boundaries — what is private, and what is fair game to offer for public consumption? — rather than merely avert their eyes.

We saw a demonstration of healthy boundaries at a marriage conference, when a pair of married academics spoke of the session they would present the next day.

He had battled depression for many decades, so over the years, when they offered a presentation on depression in marriage, it ranged from strictly academic to very personal.

Their rhythm as co-presenters was well-developed, but his words about the next day’s talk tore back the metaphorical curtain on their relationship: the decision to disclose their experience with depression was his to make; if he felt comfortable with the audience, he would take the lead in going personal and she would adapt her script accordingly.

Being mindful of boundaries in the relationship is not only a matter of courtesy to your spouse, it is a marker of respect – for your spouse and for your relationship. Boundaries not only define a relationship, they serve a protective function: within the boundaries there is emotional safety.

The flip side of emotional safety is an added element of betrayal if your spouse breaches the mutually-defined lines. The resulting vulnerability would be on par with what one would feel if the spouse flung open the bathroom door at an inopportune moment, exposing private business to public scrutiny.

Respecting your relationship’s boundaries might be the ultimate living out of the expression, “I’ve got your back.”

James Burg, Ph.D., is an associate professor at Indiana University-Purdue, Fort Wayne. His wife, Audora, is a freelance writer. You may contact them at marriage@charter.net