The Chaos Index, Week 9: Huskers, Horns Play “Can You Top This?”

You know it’s a festive week for chaos when the top ten is packed full of the proudest programs in the game. Here’s to you Huskers, Horns, Hurricanes, Hbuckeyes, and Hdawgs – it’s called alliteration, deal with it – on making this season one for the rages. We begin this week’s proceedings with some of the nicest folks on Earth – yes, we’ve been there – who can’t possibly be feeling the least bit hospitable about now.

Nebraska – Purdue? Purfreakingdue? You can’t fire the new head coach after one season. Right? RIGHT?!?!? Look at it this way, Husker Nation: at least you won’t have to fake being excited about watching your guys in the Franklin American Zaxby’s Oil Change Bowl this December. Southern Miss remains Exhibit A for why you don’t want to fire the coach because he’s only doing very well, but you all are closing quick.

Texas – The fuck, Horns? You straighten things up enough to make your record look marginally respectable and then you disembowel yourselves in the absolute worst way possible against Iowa State? Iowa Freaking State?!? 24 to f-ing nothing? We do not get it, but we do get what this kind of nonsense will do to your fan base. Just one question: Iowa Freaking State?!?!?

Ohio State – Sure, every coach wishes he could have Urb’s problems. Cardale Jones 2015 is not Cardale Jones late 2014, and J.T. Barrett gets one week, and then, he gets a week to get back in the swing before Michigan State and Michigan? That doesn’t smack of The Senator’s reign at all. Nope, not one bit. Here’s a thought: maybe Braxton Miller should start practicing at QB like pronto.

Kentucky – It’s becoming a Wildcat tradition: start strong, then go implode. Not to worry, Georgia won’t be at all angry when you gather for some mutual support and compassion next Saturday. Speaking of which…

Georgia – It only took half the season to figure out that the guy who couldn’t land the starting QB gig at Virginia was probably not the guy to lead the Dawgs. At least they found out fast that Faton Bauta also isn’t the guy. Presumably, they’ve had a couple years to figure out that Brice Ramsey isn’t the guy either. Maybe there’s a second-stringer at Georgia Southern who’d like to go the graduate transfer route before next weekend.

Texas Tech – We’d mock Tech for giving up 67½ points a game in their last two implosions, but really, without that last-second pick six this week, the average would be down to 63 points, so no worries. Oh sure, now you want to bring up the lame special teams play too, don’t you, Raiders?

Vanderbilt – “Hello, this is the FunBelt! How may I help you?” “Hi, FunBelt, this is Vandy calling. We were thinking we’d like to…” “Please hold while we transfer you to the Big South.” Keep going, ‘Dores, and we’ll have you playing D3 ball before the season is toast.

Miami – See Canes? Was that so hard? Okay, so it was like pulling teeth, and it required a miracle that the ACC says you didn’t deserve. Please resume concocting bizarre combinations of random ACC events that leave you winning the Coastal. Also, we see you haven’t kidnapped Justin Fuente, attached a Schnelly mask to him, and talked him into signing a contract yet. You should work on that.

Arizona – From the P12 Championship Game to total wipeouts against every team on the schedule that isn’t a tomato can. To borrow from SCTV, dang ‘Zona, you done blowed up real good! Congrats on not doing the falling apart mid-season thing halfway. Kentucky would be proud! If only there were a Stoops brother connection to all this.

Texas A&M – Kyler Murray had an absolutely spectacular debut! College Station must be brimming with excitement. Just one thing: have you noticed the way Kenny Hill and Kyle Allen both got off to great starts in Aggieland before things imploded on them? Does that strike you as just a tad ominous?

UCLA – Speaking of ominous, is anyone on the Bruin defense still healthy? If you’re currently enrolled in classes in Westwood and are approximately 6’3″ and 245 pounds and can run a 40 in roughly 4.5, please see Jim L. Mora immediately if not sooner.

Rutgers – No Leonte Caroo, no hope, eh Scarlet Knights? Sure you’ve lost the last two games 97-17, but relax, Michigan won’t stick you for half a hundred while shutting you out. (They’ll settle for 30ish, but who’s counting?) Kyle Flood still has a job, right?

Minnesota – If there were any fairness in the universe, Jerry Kill would still be coaching the Gophers, and they’d still possess the Little Brown Jug, especially after they showed the huevos to go for the win when a field goal would have sent that game to OT. Dang, we hated to see you lose a trophy game that way, but on the other hand, with one shot against the statistically best defense in the game, why go with the most obvious call possible?

Wyoming – You’re paying Craig Bohl how much for this?

West Virginia – You’re paying Holgo how much to “develop” Skyler Howard and get the team plowed by the top half of the Big 12? Iowa State, Kansas, and…ahem…Texas cannot get here soon enough.

Georgia Tech – Congratulations on breathing life into Mike London’s job security. Not sure if y’all have noticed, but you’re one miracle kick six away from a seven-game losing streak. Now play nice and give Frank Beamer a little extra rope too. (Postscript: it’s a little late for that. Congrats on a huge career, Coach Beamer!)

Hawaii – And with that, we bind a fond adieu to the last remaining shards of Norm Chow’s job security. Again, if only the universe were fair. It isn’t.

Oregon State – Speaking of programs connected to Mike Riley, we just looked, and darn it all Beavers, you’re not particularly easy on the eyes. Perhaps you could use that chainsaw to…never mind.

Idaho – You blew a three-score lead. In the fourth quarter. To New Mexico State. Time to hang up the potatoes, fellas.

Kansas – Is Kansas the worst FBS team in the last [insert your favorite large number here] years? They’re only losing by an average of 26 points a game, though that three-point loss to an FCS school is really keeping their average down. One remaining question: how funny would it be if they cashed in their best remaining shot for a win against…wait for it…Texas?