Mother problems

I got engaged to my wonderful fiance about 2.5 months ago. Prior to getting engaged, we had been dating for almost 6 years. We met in college and started dating right away. After graduation, we moved into together and got a dog. My parents have always loved my fiance and his parents have always loved me. I didn’t anticipate any real issues upon getting engaged. BUT…

Since getting engaged, my mother has been so..ambivalent about the whole thing. Anytime I bring up the wedding (like a possible date or a color) she just rolls her eyes and makes some comment like “whatever you want,” or something like that.

During one conversation, she told me I shouldn’t be getting married. Again, not because she doesn’t like my fiance, but because I’m “too young.” I am 25, so is my fiance – I know that a lot of people don’t get married until 30+ and that’s totally fine, but we are ready now and so we got engaged. I told my mom that saying stuff like that isn’t helpful (HELLO LADY, WE’RE ALREADY ENGAGED!) but she still says it every so often.

She doesn’t seem at all interested in helping me with anything and I just don’t know what to do. In part, we are having a long engagement because of this – I just don’t feel like getting all into planning without my mother there to support me.

For some background, my mom and I are incredibly close, so this really hurts me and isn’t indicative of our relationship overall. I know that she has some issues with letting go (she likes to have my sisters and me around as much as possible), so I think it probably stems from that, but I just don’t know.

At this point I’m hurt and I don’t know what to do or say to make it better. I feel like she just wants me to either wait 5+ years (which isn’t going to happen) or rush off to the courthouse and “get it over with.”

Oh, and my parents got married at my age! And they’re still together 30+ years later.

And lastly, this isn’t a financial concern. My fiance and I are paying for a lot of the wedding and the rest of the money is coming from a trust my grandmother left me for this specific purpose.

I am sorry to make my introductory post so long! I would really appreciate any advice

You may have to have a complete sit down with her. Ask her specifically why she doesn’t want you to get married. Be pretty point blank with her. If it’s age, explain to her why the decision was made now instead of waiting. You may, though, uncover some issue that you don’t expect.

Be parepared for this talk to end in that you will be doing most of your wedding planning without her. I know that doesn’t sound like fun, as sharing this experience with my mom is important to me too. At the same time, if she is going to make you depressed and guilty over it, that isn’t fair to your happieness either.

@annb9: My mom was pretty “whatever you want” too, but without the snarkiness or eye rolling. My mom just had no interest picking out wedding stuff or getting excited. She finally started to get excited about 3 months out, so perhpas its just too far in the future for your mom to get excited for right now.

I know you and your mom are close, but perhaps, since you are paying, involve her as little as possible right now and a year out from the wedding involve her if she wants to be.

@ajillity81: Yeah, you’re right. I know I need to talk to her but I have been avoiding it because I don’t want that conversation to just upset me even more.

@megz06: I’ve kept hoping that she’ll just come around…and I know our wedding is still a ways away, so maybe she will. That seems like a good idea. I’ll just start on stuff and try again to involve her closer to the date. My mom has really good taste in stuff, so I really DO want her input, but I might just have to do without that for awhile.

@annb9: Yeah definately have a nice long talk with her. Explain that this is what you really want and it is going to happen. Tell her how much you want her support and her recent behaviour is making things difficult. At the end of the day this is your decision and it would mean alot for you to have her support and help. Good luck.