Hang 'Em Up, 'boys This Drive Is Over

THE SPORTS COLUMN

''If you've got any answers, come help us,'' Switzer told reporters Monday night after the Cowboys took a tumble

on the road. ''It's just frustrating.''

What's next, Barry . . . A frantic call to the psychic hotline? Strapping on your ''lucky gun'' on game days? Scanning the Sunday classifieds in case you need a career backup plan?

Based on my professional expertise, I'd suggest that scoring more touchdowns than the other team is always an effective method of staying employed, although I think there is an excellent chance that you will be home alone by the holidays.

The Cowboys' most proficient scorer may be a guy named Richie Cunningham, but these are not Happy Days in Dallas. Based on the their scoring proficiency, you'd think that Ralph Malph, Potsie Weber and Pinky Tuscadero are leading the power sweep.

After losing to the Washington Redskins, 21-16, the Cowboys are 3-3. That record would be a misdemeanor in most NFL outposts, but it equates with a heinous felony in Dallas, a city that always thinks BIG.

Boorish owner Jerry Jones has invested more than $50 million of guaranteed cash in a group mired in mediocrity. Jones has spent boodles of bucks to keep Emmitt Smith (8 years, $48 million), Troy Aikman (8 years, $50 million) and Deion Sanders (5 years, $25 million).

Sadly for the Cowpokes, the extravagant cash flow toward a handful of marquee players has zapped the team of its depth because of salary-cap restrictions.

Once a gallant warrior, Smith has joined the used-car lot of NFL running backs. Too much mileage. His 100-yard rushing games have dropped from 10 in 1995 to five in '96 to one through six games of this year. His touchdowns have dropped from 25 to 21 to zero during the same time frame.

Reflecting his diminishing value, Smith finished with 61 yards Monday night against a team with a snuggly soft run defense. Washington had allowed 154 yards per start and ranked 29th in a 30-team league. Embarrassingly, Smith was pulled in favor of Sherman Williams in the second half.

Not that all the blame should fall to Emmitt. The offensive line reeks of incompetence. Although Smith gained 34 yards on five carries during the Cowboys' first possession, the 'Boys would stumble and bumble in the precious ''red zone.''

After a Dallas first down at Washington's 2-yard line, rookie tight end David LaFleur moved too early, pushing the Cowboys five yards back. Once again, they failed to score a touchdown.

Once again, they failed miserably against an overmatched opponent that had lost its top two offensive players - running back Terry Allen and wide receiver Michael Westbrook - to knee injuries.

Add Monday's loss to the list of embarrassing footnotes this season, which also includes underachieving efforts against Arizona and the New York Giants.

''Embarrassing is not the word,'' Jones said after the game. ''It's frustrating. disappointing. But this thing is far from over. We've lost three before and won Super Bowls. The answers are in this locker room.''

Mostly, there are only questions. Most of them focus on Switzer, who has done nothing to shake his reputation as a clueless, undisciplined incompetent. A Dallas columnist derisively referred to him as ''Coach Gump,'' in Tuesday's post-mortem. Although Jones has said he won't make any coaching changes this season, his patience may wane.

One can only stand so much buffoonery.

''We have to circle the wagons,'' Orlando's Nate Newton, a Dallas offensive guard, told reporters after the game. ''Things are going to be ugly for a while. All I can think about is the talk shows are going to go wild this week.

''We got Jacksonville next. Maybe we can upset them.''

The Dallas Cowboys are now talking about salvaging pride against a third-year expansion team. Once the most feared team in the land, the Cowboys now find that the symbolic star on their helmets is simply a fading image.