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Pronger contract livid it was traded to Phoenix

Philadelphia, PA – After four days since being traded, Chris Pronger’s contract broke its silence and lambasted the Flyers for trading it to Phoenix.

“Phoenix, are you fucking kidding me? Phoenix of all places….it’s like being traded to Siberia. What have I done to deserve this? Hextall, if I ever see you again I’m going to give you the biggest paper cut,” The $4.9 million contract said. “And you trade me there with Nicklas Grossman? No way in hell I’m sharing a flight out there with that mouth breather.”

The contract proceeded to break a wooden desk to pieces in front of several stunned reporters.

Stephen Whyno, an NHL reporter and analyst, said the Phoenix Coyotes have had their eyes on the contract for years and believe he still has a lot to bring to the table.

“The contract instantly becomes the most valuable piece of their organization…and I’m not saying that in a figurative way, it is literally more valuable than anything they have. The arena they play in was recently assessed at just $1.2 million,” he said.

Despite its insistence it would not play for Phoenix, team representatives fully expect it to be on ice at the start of training camp.

As of press time, the embattled contract was mulling over whether it should set itself on fire or actually make the trip to the desert.