We Will Rock You

We Will Rock You is a musical based around the songs of the rock band Queen and was written by two of its members - Brian May and Roger Taylor - in collaboration with Ben Elton. We Will Rock You opened in 2002 at the Dominion Theatre in London, England. It is important to note that many lines in the show change based on the location and the date which the show is performed on, notably Pop's opening monologue.

I must make haste... I must complete the rebel archive... Stardate May 14th 2304. Although I have yet to discover the exact date on which music died, it is clear to me that an ancient entertainment phenomenon known as 'Pop Idol' (In newer versions this was changed to X-factor) played a central role. Soon, popstars were being created at such a rate that they were famous for less time than it took to play their records. Culture imploded, the Globalsoft corporation seized its opportunity, and the age of the Ga Ga had dawned.

There is always hope! Hope is our birthright.

Any way the wind blows.

Make love, not war!

Don't worry about Cliff Richard; he's indestructible.

They couldn't quite zap it all... zap it all... zap it all...

It was a time of boy bands. And girl bands. And boy and girl bands. And girl bands with a couple of boys in them that looked like girls.

You're right, crazy lady. We'll take my Harley. Rock's transport of choice. Not as fast, clean or efficient as a Japanese bike, but it sounds humongous.

It's been years since I've felt the soft warm thighs of a rebel chick wrapped round my skinny white arse.

I'll be a groupie. Anyone wanna see my tits?

Ooh, I've gone all tingley.

I shall be thine roadie!

I'm a groupie and a roadie! That means I'll have to have sex with myself. So, no change there then!

They secretly [ Makes a sign showing a throat being slit] the members of Queen. Brian May got one last wish. He wanted to play a very last guitar solo. He was able to postpone his execution by three-and-a-half days with it.

This is an ancient and holy scroll known as a Vie-day-oh Tah-pay (Video Tape). [Runs through Bar Patrons who all groan and reach out towards the tape] They all want it. But they can't have it! It's mine! It's (Gollum voice) My precious!

Have you seen the size of the cups these days? They've been getting bigger for three hundred years. 'Regular' is now the size of a dustbin. Only last week a small child fell into her Sprite and drowned.

Lost them? Oh I see... lost them. Oh, no, we didn't lose them, no. We just don't know where they are.

Well, star or no star, I intend to blast every rock on Planet Mall to smithereens, just in case! Stonehenge. Mount Rushmore. The famed Victoria Beckham Belly Button Diamond. If these grim tools of freedom do exist, I shall find them!

Need I remind you, that as well as being businesswoman of the year, I am also dynamite with a laser beam!

You know what happens to people who disappoint me! I think I'll have to blow your mind!

Big Macca: We do know is that there came a day when rock'n'roll - died. But, we have always believed that in time, there will arise a man who carries the past within him. Somewhere on Planet Mall there are instruments, there must be. And if Britney is right, you are the man who can find them, and rock and roll will be reborn!

Brit: Yeah, they did it for a crazy little thing called love, baby! Hit me baby, hit me baby one more time!

Meat: (To Galileo ) Tell us, who is mama, who's been killed, and why has it all been thrown away?

Galileo: Well, I thought of some others, but frankly, I thought it was the best one!

Scaramouche: What were the others?

Galileo: Long tall Sally. Honky-tonk woman. Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Ernie the fastest milkman in the west. Or fat-bottomed girl.

Scaramouche: I'll take Scary Bush.

Scaramouche:[Assessing her new name] Scaramouche! You know... I quite like it. It's sounds anarchic! Like something they used to call a tune...

Galileo: A tune... That's it!... Scaramouche, Scaramouche - will you do the fandango?

Scaramouche: Are you trying to get into my pants?

Galileo: No!...Well...Maybe...No!

Scaramouche: Well then what's doing the fandango?

Galileo: I think it's a type of dance...

Scaramouche: What, like Ga Ga moves? Oh yes, well just excuse me while I puke![Mimics vomiting] Global Soft writes the songs, then they work out the moves and every kid on Planet Mall does exactly the same thing! No thank you!

Galileo: I think there was a time when dancing wasn’t like that! When it...you know... more free..and...expressive...

[Galileo does a bunch of air guitar moves while the guitar solo from Bohemian Rhapsody plays]

Scaramouche:[Very bluntly]Well, I don't think I've ever seen anything so embarrassing in my whole life.

Big Macca: As I was saying. This is a rebel base. But it is also a shrine. A shrine to everything we believe in. And, a place to remember the long dead king.

Galileo: What king?

Big Macca: Little is known about him. 'Cept that his name was Pelvis. A poor boy from nowhere, who sang like an angel, and danced like the devil. A teenage truck driver who broke free to become a mighty rebel- a rebel that spawned a thousand rebels!

Prince: But he was too wild, too free. And when he wiggled his hips he made the kids feel good about themselves! So they took him and they cut off his hair.

Bob: They shaved off his tall, greasy, stand-up quiff like he was a convict.

Prince: And they put him in the army.

Aretha: Then they humiliated him. The king was forced to make foolish movies, singing nursery rhymes to gangs of grinning children. He was ashamed. It broke his spirit. He took refuge in drugs, pills and cheeseburgers.

Big Macca: Just like a million kids that followed. The king was dead, and many kings and heroes died thereafter. Their songs are lost, but their names live on. We remember the ones that died young. Buddy Holly. Jimi Hendrix.

Scaramouche: I know why you can't find the guitar, mate! What was it Pop said? Queen wove deep and terrible spells to protect the instruments from those not worthy of playing them!

Galileo: You mean me?

Pop: Ouch.

Scaramouche: So... let's rock!

Galileo: Yeah! ...I don't know how to start.

Scaramouche: Come on, buddy. You're a boy.

Pop: Make a big noise!

Scaramouche: Playing in the street...

Pop: Gonna be a big man someday!

Galileo: That's it!

Galileo: But I can't do this without you, Scaramouche. Don't you remember what Britney Spears said before he died? Making music is about love. You do it for your baby. And I can only do it for you. I love you, Scaramouche with all my heart. Please come back to me. Please forgive me. Because if you don't, I don't know if I can do this thing. And the kids will be forever be in chains!