We open with the arrival of Christian Cage -- he's got AJ Styles and Tomko with him, of course (Tomko has his IWGP Tag belt with him, which Cage refers to as a "toy"), but also with him is Robert Roode, Miss Brooks, and four guys in "Cage Security" shirts. He tells Leticia (who seems to be dressed as a geisha tonight) that it's unsafe around here. Styles and Roode will be taking on Abyss and Sting, respectively, in two no-DQ singles matches tonight! There is some friction between Styles and Roode.

(I am in favor of adding Roode to the Coalition, now that Steiner's out -- Roode can gain something from this, unlike Styles. In fact, I'd like to see Styles out and Giant Bernard brought in. Tomko, Bernard, and Roode. Yes.)

Robert Roode vs. Sting: A little brawling outside. Roode shoves Brooks into Sting and then grabs a chair -- Sting turns around, shielding Brooks and taking a chairshot in the back. Protecting a woman from a chairshot? In TNA land, that's a heel turn, isn't it? Into the ring. Eric Young comes out in Sting facepaint to show his support. (Oh, like Christopher Daniels did?) Brooks gives Roode a chair -- Young takes it away -- Sting gives Roode the Scorpion Death Drop for the pin. Nothing match.

Mike Tenay sits down with Dustin Rhodes. Rhodes talks about his split personality and has a psycho breakdown. This is pretty much how I imagine the Britney Spears OK! interview going.

Close-up on Kurt Angle, who has allowed cameras to follow him to his psychiatrist. Angle talks about what losers his siblings are -- "my sister took a job in an orphanage -- she was teachin' orphans! ...you have to choose: do you want to wear Armani suits, or do you want to take care of orphans?"

Back from commercial, Angle talks about his wife and kids -- if his kids don't live up to his standards, they're outta there. He brightens up when he realizes that he can just send 'em to his sisters orphanage. Ha!

After the match, 3D comes out and tells LAX to take a hike -- "we already made you has-beens" -- and they call out the Steiners. Scott Steiner is pissed -- he says that they shouldn't talk to Puerto Ricans like that, because Puerto Ricans saved Scott's life! He puts over Puerto Rico big time, and shows off a huge scar on his right shoulder blade, running along his ribs under his arm. He also calls Ray fat a number of times, leading Ray to petulantly shriek, "stop calling me fat!"

VKM comes out to join the party, and the three teams discuss who was better -- WCW, ECW, or WWF. This is a little weird. The debate breaks down into a 4-on-2 brawl, with the Steiners on the losing side -- until LAX come back to make the save! They chase 3D and VKM off!

Okay, so LAX and the Steiners seem to be the faces, and 3D and VKM the heels -- wow, that's, like, eight turns that I somehow completely missed.

Angle again -- he compares himself to Gandhi and "Martin Luther the King." It turns out he's lying in a tanning bed -- in a suit -- and Kevin Nash -- in a speedo -- is his shrink. Wow, plot twists!

Abyss vs. AJ Styles: Again, no DQ. Styles and Abyss always work well together for some reason. Tomko comes out -- this is, of course, legal -- so Sting comes out, too. Abyss goes out to gets the tacks -- BUT SOMEONE DRAGS HIM UNDER THE RING! HORNSWAGGLE HAS COME TO TNA

Roode and Cage are out now and they beat down Sting. Abyss appears and his face and forearms are bloody. Cage pours out a bag of BROKEN GLASS and Tomko tree slams Sting into it! They add tacks to the pile and slam Abyss into that! Styles covers -- wow, I forgot that there was a match going on -- for the win.

That Steiners-3D promo may have contained the most turns in one segment in wrestling history. VKM was kind of tweeners, but it seemed like Hoyt made a heel turn against them, so I assume they were faces then. So 4 teams turned during one promo. But it was still a cool segment, with the highpoint being Ray's "Stop calling me fat!".

Christian's line about Tomko's belt was also awesome. I wonder if that was a rib on Angle? Right now, it does seem like Styles is wasted in this role as the lackey, but at least he is showing some signs of having an actual character. I reserve hope that it will lead to a big feud with Christian down the road. But with Christian's HBK like, "I don't lay down for anyone" attitude, I don't like AJ's chances of coming out on top if it does happen.

Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum? You can tell me! I'm hip!

That promo about which company out of ECW, WCW and the WWE were the best was quite high on the unintentional comedy scale. I mean what the fuck guys move on. It's a shame there isn't a great original TNA team left to go through all of three of them instead of watching six has-beens wrestle in a ten year old "Dream Match".

'Taws also pretty funny to heat Steiner's contention that the Outlaws were on top of the WWF when WCW were beating them for 83 straight weeks, considering that NAO and the new-era DX were one of the key components in the WCW-crushing Attitude era.

To those who say people wouldn't look; they wouldn't be interested; they're too complacent, indifferent and insulated, I can only reply: There is, in one reporter's opinion, considerable evidence against that contention. But even if they are right, what have they got to lose? Because if they are right, and this instrument is good for nothing but to entertain, amuse and insulate, then the tube is flickering now and we will soon see that the whole struggle is lost. This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it is merely wires, and lights, in a box.-Edward R. Murrow

As SmackDown crumbles into parody, I turn back to TNA. It's been awhile since I saw the show.

+ So much talking. Even when I hit the FF button on the TiFaux, there's a lot of chat.

+ Sabin/Shelley look like a fun duo. The match with LAX was truly "non-stop."

+ I enjoyed the thought of the four-way tag face-off, but the reality is disappointing. VKM are boring still, the Dudleys offer nothing new, the Steiners are very much passed their prime, and LAX doesn't have a voicebox to answer back.

+ Sting is deadwood. Roode is deadwood. This match was by-the-numbers and bland. I hate Eric Young.

+ Styles/Abyss was fun. Is Abyss the best big man currently wrestling?

+ Dustin Rhodes with extra weight looks an awful lot like Big Show. I'm curious about his new persona. I always watched Rhodes and rooted for his success.

Rhodes' new persona is goingt o be as close to Goldust as they can possibly get it without being sued. They're even mulling over "Platinum" as a ringname. Woo. Is it too much to askk 'em to push the people they have instead of more cast-offs?

I really do dig Abyss, but he's a bit of a faux giant. He'd look average in a WWE ring. My personal big-man preference is Umaga, or Undertaker when he's not injured. Or if you wanna stretch the definition, Joe.

To those who say people wouldn't look; they wouldn't be interested; they're too complacent, indifferent and insulated, I can only reply: There is, in one reporter's opinion, considerable evidence against that contention. But even if they are right, what have they got to lose? Because if they are right, and this instrument is good for nothing but to entertain, amuse and insulate, then the tube is flickering now and we will soon see that the whole struggle is lost. This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it is merely wires, and lights, in a box.-Edward R. Murrow

Originally posted by oldschoolheroI really do dig Abyss, but he's a bit of a faux giant. He'd look average in a WWE ring. My personal big-man preference is Umaga, or Undertaker when he's not injured. Or if you wanna stretch the definition, Joe.

Click Here (Obsessedwithwrestling.com) lists him as 6'10", but that may be an exaggerated height, I'll grant you. Taker regained his top spot with me when he lost weight, but his injury sidelines him for consideration. Not watching most PPVs, I haven't seen Umaga do much except sell for weapon shots (when Marella pinned him) or hit his standard moves.

Originally posted by oldschoolheroRhodes' new persona is goingt o be as close to Goldust as they can possibly get it without being sued. They're even mulling over "Platinum" as a ringname. Woo. Is it too much to askk 'em to push the people they have instead of more cast-offs?

I really do dig Abyss, but he's a bit of a faux giant. He'd look average in a WWE ring. My personal big-man preference is Umaga, or Undertaker when he's not injured. Or if you wanna stretch the definition, Joe.

Check out Abyss in his ROH matches, he dwarfs those guys. He is not the size TNA promotes him as, but he is still a "Big man" in my opinion. I also think he as as underrated as anyone on any roster right now. He can go, and is not afraid to do ANYTHING to his body. To me, he is the modern Mick Foley or Sabu as far as putting his body on the line. Dude bladed his arms!

He would be my choice for best big man right now, but I would also give props to Batista for his turn around this year.

To me, Fat Dustin looks like his old man!

Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum? You can tell me! I'm hip!

I don't believe Abyss is actually much taller than, say, Goldberg. But if you're big and you work like a Big Man and have smaller guys to throw around, it's hard to say you're not a Big Man Wrestler. 'cause if Rey wrestled Hornswoggle, he'd still be doing highspots, and if Regal wrestled Hornswoggle they'd probably still do mat wrestling. OTOH, famous dead wrestler Chris Benoit wrestled way bigger than 5'8 and was believable fighting someone like A-Train straight up, but as great as Dean Malenko was he could only really work with people his size.

This of course re-raises the question of who is the world's tallest midget.

Originally posted by Matt TrackerNot watching most PPVs, I haven't seen Umaga do much except sell for weapon shots (when Marella pinned him) or hit his standard moves.

The matches with Cena and Jeff Hardy are definitely worth checking out. Undertaker is a better worker, but Umaga takes awesome bumps and has all kinds of charisma in what would be a stupid gimmick for most other people. Actually, he's really not all that tall either, but he wrestles perfectly as a monster.

The problem with the Abyss character is that there really isn't any character to it. The guy has pretty much been the same forever now. He's TNA's Kane. Pretty much the same heel or face and he can always stay in the Main Event picture win or lose. His lack of size will hurt him in the WWE though unless he shows he has more than being an Indy Mankind.