LUPUS IS LIVING WITH ME & I'M LIVING LIFE!!
Take a journey into my universe.
Partake in the unveiling of my deepest, darkest and intimate realities.
Experience my struggles with life and my battle against lupus.
Explore with me in my quest to discover happiness in my own utopia.

My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Just us in the house

Woke up again with a shopping list of things I want to do today. I will definitely work on the birthday card I need to do that, it is over due and their a couple coming up. I have some thoughts that I want to write but they are for a separate blog I'm going to start. It's called 'My 2Cents Not Worth A Penny.' I'm going to vent and talk shit there, and try not to mention my health or personal struggles. I'm going to be a normal sane person in that blog.

I have a headache. I'm taking the new medication for the PH. It's Viagra! Maybe I'll get an erection. Seriously one of the side effects is blindness that irreversible. But hopefully my breathing will be better. Yesterday I went for a V/G scan and there were some abnormalities and my Pulmonary doctor sent me to the ER to do a CAT scan with contrast. Okay here's some venting. I was there from 11am until 6:30 pm. When they were admitting me to the ER I got so much attention, everyone was in the little room, they even gave me this warm thing in my hand to warm my blood before they stuck me for the IV line. They liked my medical information card and thought it was funny that I had a laminator at home. They even took my shoes and socks off for me. Then they were gone. I got someones attention to go to the bathroom but after that, all and all they basically ignored me.

There was this man in the room next to me. I have no idea what he looked like but he had a annoying voice and nasty mouth to match. Racism is alive and well in America. This man was disgusting. He didn't want anyone to assist him except white Americans. Not anyone with an accent. He told the Chinese people to get away from them because they are bombing America. He told the Pueto Rician man to go back to Peuto Rico. He told the the Indians, to go to the airport and board the next plane to India. When a group of black doctors passed his room he said oh look at the Africans, why don't ya'l go to Africa, we don't want you here. He yelled out that he was HIV positive and didn't care who knew. He kept screaming he wanted to sign himself out if he didn't get any help. I mean he was being a pain in the ass. He got nastier and nastier as the day went on. He told the lady in the room across from him that she was a disgusting fat pig, she stays home all day eating and getting fat. A black doctor went into his room and he yelled get this nigger out my room. The staff finally had enough and called security so they could give him a shot to calm him down. Then they took him up to his room.

About two hours after the pig was gone I asked one of the orderlies what was happening with me. He said I don't know but if I wanted help, I know what to do. He was referring to the pig, that I should yell and scream. It took all this time to get a CAT. If I was at the city hospital they would of had that CAT done and I would of been out of there in 2 maybe 3 hours if they weren't going to admit me. Now my conclusion is that in the city ER they have a lot of people and they have to get them in and out. Here they didn't have no rush. Well the CAT scan didn't show any pulmonary embolism. Good, right? No! They still don't know what is causing my breathing to be difficult or what the abnormalities are. What does this mean? More fucking test!

They didn't feed me while I was in the ER in case they had to do some procedure or something. I was starving. I had a bagel that morning and a cup of fruit. By the time I got home it was after 7pm. I had plan to eat the rest of the salad I made with tuna, or if there was chicken I was going to have that. My mate being the thoughtful person that she is, fried me a hamburger with cheese, onions and of course a potato roll. Yum! I guess it didn't hurt. This morning I had, a bowl of cereal with Almond milk and I ate a banana. I got that banana down, I really don't like them. I got caught up on the news reading the papers from Thursday up to today. My doc called I still have a UTI and was calling in a prescription for stronger antibiotics. My mates niece went and picked them up for me. Before I came down to write the rest of this entry I had a piece of broiled flounder and that salad.

I am tired but I don't want to lay down. I'll tell you about the move into the house.

We packed up the apartment in Far Rockaway, I don't remember but I think we rented a U-Haul. My furniture and TV were from Rent-A-Center and they moved my furniture. My Uncle was angry that I moved the furniture he gave my mother, to the porch. Yes it was good furniture, but it was old fashion, it had plastic on it. I like my living room to be a place to live in. So he told my grandmother he couldn't come to the house and see the furniture on the porch. The porch was nice, it was in door, not out in the elements of nature.

A week or so after the funeral my brother came over and we wrote the thank you cards. It was a lot, mom's little church was packed. It was standing room only. My mothers, brothers, sister and my friends and co-workers all attended. They sent flowers, cards with money, fruit, food and drink.

Mommy worked for the NYC Parks department. She had a huge pension, she was retired for less then a year, all her money was there. She willed it to me, my brother and sister. We received close to 80K a piece. I paid off all my bills and brought a brand new 1993 Mazda MVP. Loved that car. I let a co-worker talk me into getting a car note. Mistake, you know hind sight. I should of followed my mind and got a good used car paid in full. Keeping up on the utilities, insurance, taxes and don't forget food, it was a lot. My cousin asked me to take her daughter in because she was getting in trouble and I did. My cousin had promised to pay me $300 a month or something like that. I got the $300 once and she was there September to November I think. I'm glad she and her cousins got to know each other. She wasn't any different then my own children. They all were smoking cigarettes and reefer. They ran up and down the steps and the house shook and rattled, inside the walls the cement was crumbling. The electricity couldn't handle the video games, multiple TVs' and boom boxes. The plumbing was leaking into the kitchen and the basement.

Gran had a hard time going up and down the stairs. She spent most of her time in her room, she had newspapers all over the floor. She would smoke her cigarettes all the way to her fingers, until they burned, she couldn't feel it. I she would go down and get something to eat, I would fix dinner and take it up to her. Sometime she wouldn't eat or she would send one of the kids to go and get her Chinese food. My sister-in-law would take her to her doctor appointments and occasionally they would take her for the weekend. I tried my best, I really did, but I don't think it was enough. She was Gran, always strong, the woman I use to challenge when I was a know it all teenager. The lady who usually had something negative to say about everyone and once a a while sometime good to say. I took for granted that she was going up and down the steps that she could do it. I offered to help her in the tub, but she didn't want my help. Looking back on it I should of did more. My sister-in-law said if I didn't want to move into the house that she would of taken Gran. I should of asked her to take Gran when the stove and refrigerator started acting up. One morning as I was getting ready for work Gran left the bathroom and went in her room and closed the door. She soiled the toilet and I cleaned it up. When I went pass her room she was laying on the bed with her legs hanging off. I called her but she didn't say anything, when I went in she wasn't breathing, I called 911 and the asked me to put her on the floor and to preform CPR. I didn't know how and I was afraid. Mr. 23 years did it. The EMTs' came. Gran was a live when they carried her out, I saw her move her arm. I got to the hospital and waited. About an hour later they came and told me my grandmother was dead. Was it my fault, could I have done more? This was six months after mommy died.

My cousins husband came to NY and picked up his daughter and took her back to California. We were the only ones left in the house. I fixed the small bedroom in the attic into an office to write. I would come home from work and put all I had into my novel. The kids would be watching TV doing homework or at their friends houses. Mr. 23 would do the cooking and cleaning. It was a while before I knew he was getting high again. Mr. 23 was smoking crack and shortly after started do heroin again. He would be in the basement doing his drugs and I would be in the attic smoking reefer and writing. It was people, places and things. We were in our old neighborhood. He was around the people he use to get high with. I was on a mission to write a novel, publish and get rich.

After a while I took a second job at McDonald's. I was gone most of the time. I expected Mr. 23 to watch the kids, he let them do what they wanted and my youngest just ran wild. My oldest he started hearing voices and his behavior became odd. He got arrested twice in two weeks. One for shop lifting and second he was picked by this kid as the one to rob him of $10. I used the last of the money I got from mother to bail him out and secure a private lawyer. Who did a a good job, only he wasn't able to get the charges sealed. He did six months on Rikers, that's the local jail. When he came home he was in and out of the hospital, and on every pshycotrobic medication. He wouldn't take the medication.

One morning he came in after stealing my car and riding around all night. He thought I called the police on him and he picked up a shovel and threaten to hit me with it. I had a young girl living with me, her mother abandoned her. So me and his sisters and the little girl went down stairs and got in the van and pulled off just as he smashed the rear window and driver's side window. I drove us around the corner and called the police. When we drove back to the house I could see my son standing on the roof with the stick in his hand, the shovel part broke off in the car. One of my step sons' friend was trying to talk my son down because the police were standing in the door way with a gun pointed up at him. He went into the hospital and got medicated. Mr. 23 years wasn't there, he arrived shortly after everything happened. He said someone called him and told him something happened. I believe he was with the women he married. This was before cell phones were affordable.

This cycle just kept going on and on. He got arrested again for robbing some one for like $10 this time they sent him upstate for 36 or 48 months I can't remember. When he got home two weeks later he robed someone for their Walkman and sat right where he stole it from. He got seven to fourteenr. He's been home for a year and is now on lock down in rehab. I pray for my son to lose this addiction that dictates his misjudgment and to let him get a life he never really had.

My 2Cents Not Worth A Penny

me

About Me

We live in a world full of certifiable, psychotic and derange crazies who are all on the verge of madness. Everyone is insane except me. I am sharing my rational, balanced and lucid knowledge in an attempt to save the world of total confinement in insanity.
But this is just my 2Cents and it's not worth a penny.

An Orphan’s Hope

Defecting from today’s sadness,
with hope of realizing tomorrow’s happiness.

Polluted dreams,
diluted realities.

Childhood fantasies,
adult terror.

Confined in a vacuum of isolation,
choking on ignored emotions.

An orphan quietly dying,
from an trivial life.

10/5/08

Highway to Success

Highway to Success

On my journey of life,
I took the path to the left,
off the express highway of success.
I trotted along melting tar,
through dusty dirty roads.
Over stony trails.

There were ditches in the darkness,
in some places.
A few times I fell flat on my face,
I’d get up,
wipe the blood from my nose and keep on going.
Blinded by the sun setting in the west,
As I traveled toward the fangs,
leading to the belly of the beast.
I’d trip on stones,
fall on my ass,
rise to my feet,
rub the tenderness and keep marching ahead.

There were signs posted pointing to detours,
I easily ignored.
There were alleys I could sneak down,
but on my course I stayed.
A map was folded in my pocket,
I never checked my directions.

It was an exciting journey of life.
Climbing up hills, rolling down.
Climbing back up and rolling back down.
Seems this last time,
I’ve been going down quite a while now.

Don’t see no detours,
no more alleys to sneak down.
My map was lost a ways back.
Long ago I was on the express highway of success.
I tried hitchhiking on the big rigs of lotto,
The numbers on the license plates just passed me by.

I’ll never get back onto the express highway of success.
I have to follow this path,
forward I go,
straight ahead.
On this bumpy path I choose.

Back when I began this journey of life.
While traveling on that express highway of success,
I woulda’, coulda’, shoulda’
took a right instead of a left.

I didn’t ask for directions.
I didn’t listen when directions were offered.
I ignored the detours.
I passed the alleys.
I lost my map.

I knew where I was going.

Somewhere on this path I lost my dreams,
and found a brick wall.
Now I know, I took a dead end road to failure.

I’m looking for my map.
Hoping to see one of those alleys.
Searching for those detour signs.
And asking for directions
back to the express highway of success.

I didn’t know how to refuse.
I cheated addiction,
I cheated HIV,
I cheated homelessness.

But I couldn’t cheat fate.

Gods’ vengeance prevails
just sucked the air right from my lungs,
presented me with the gift of emphysema,
maybe,
maybe if I partied in moderation,
No, No!!
that’s just stinking thinking.

I batted my bedroom eyes,
and flirted with the devil,
I wasn’t too shy to dance,

I must pay the price,
I crave oxygen,
And sleep, oh blessed sleep.

I partied hard,
I had fun,
now it’s time to pay,
an autoimmune disease is fighting me,

and Lucifer is still tempting me.

While God watches my
freedom of choice.
9/27/08

Glass Lady (what life was living with a crack head)

I can no longer compete,
with your lady in the glass.
She's your greatest love,
she means more to you,
then me or your children.

She's your princess,
your shining star.

You'll stay up all night for her.
You'll spend every penny on her.
I'm jealous, I can't compete.
I can't send blood rushing,
through your veins,
nor can I keep your heart pumping
at such a terrific pace.

No,
I can't keep your attention,
as long as you can hold her sweetness in your lungs.

I am only a woman,
a sad, lonely woman,
with no joy,
no happiness in me.

I can offer you my tears of hurt.
To me you lie, to her you give everything.

Me you abuse,
her you worship.

Your family you allow to struggle,
to her pimp you give more than enough.

You tell me not to worry,
everything's gonna be taken care of.

This I believe,
because in time I'll be able to take care of me,
then your mistress can give you

one

final

HEART ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!

Fate Be Told By: K. Wilhelmina Floria 6/9/09

Weeping sorrows,
full of illusions and dissatisfaction.
Stimulating anxiety,
a designer disorder,
yearning sedation,
requiring rehab.
Seeking amends
for a life
unfixable.
Really too tired to care.
Hiding,
deep in the shadows.
Invisibly trying to be seen.
Now.
Was it fate
that gave me this day?
Or,
was it the life I lived
that became my fate?
Once I tried to steal joy,
sure that happiness would follow.
So said,
that time is gone.
Today,
fires of hell are trying to engulf me.
Blinding my eyes
With oozing tears of strength.
Eliminating the dark flames of hell,
to a path where heaven shines,
and warm my cold heart.