The dark heart of Sebastian Vettel

For years a great many F1 fans have considered Sebastian Vettel to be a nice guy. After all, he has a broad smile, a cheeky manner and he is from Germany, the most jocular of all nations. At the Malaysian Grand Prix, however, race viewers discovered a new, darker side to the reigning world champion, one which was summed up in his chilling radio command, “Get him out of the way. He is too slow”. Now, for the first time, a former Red Bull team member has spoken exclusively to Sniff Petrol about the true extent evil that lurks inside the pointy fingered racer.

‘Oh yea, you think he’s a fun bloke because he likes old British sit-coms but that’s all just an act to cover how mean he really is,’ our anonymous snitch revealed. ‘Like this one time he asked me how I was and when I started to say I was fine thanks he just shouted “G…G…G…Granville!” and then pushed me into a pile of tyres.’

This, according to our mole, was just the tip of a very cruel and ruthless iceberg. ‘This other time he asked me to wipe his visor,’ our unnamed sneak explained. ‘Clearly he didn’t like the job I did because when I gave it back to him he barked “Don’t tell him Pike!” and then smashed me round the back of the head with a really big spanner.’

Our former Red Bullist says Vettel’s reign of terror continued for some months, reaching a crescendo in the canteen of the team’s Milton Keynes factory. ‘I was just sitting there eating my lunch when someone told me Sebastian wanted to speak to me about a set-up issue,’ our man confessed. ‘He came striding over, shouted “Rene! Ze flashing knobs!” and then poured hot soup down the back of my neck.’

A spokesman for the Red Bull team later denied that there was any truth in our insider’s allegations. ‘These stories are absurd and simply not true,’ they said in a phone conversation with Sniff Petrol. ‘I can assure you tha…wait! No! Sebastian, no!’ At this point there were muffled bangs, a sharp scream and the line went dead. The last thing to be heard was a German accent saying, ‘Ooh Betty, the cat’s done a whoopsie on the floor.’