CoupleDumb believes in happy relationships. Occasionally, a couple will go through a rough patch that will test the relationship to the core. A death, infidelity, financial issues, a birth, a change of any kind, a lie and a million other issues can test the strength of any relationship.

So:

How do you fix what’s seems broken?

First, if there is a solid foundation anything can be fixed. If you look at a relationship as a car, we know that as long as the axel is fine, fixing a crashed car is possible. It is when we damage the foundation that harder work needs to be done. In the case of infidelity, this can be damaging to the foundation of a commitment since one of you has chosen to defile and break their vows. Infidelity can be devastating but millions of couples have overcome it. Sure, most of those have stayed married after infidelity fail to address their issues and chose to ignore rather than address their problems. But, there are many who have looked at the infidelity and systematically tracked down the source of how and why it happened and both take responsibility for their part.

That is the secret to rebuilding.

1. Both are committed to staying together and working it out.

2. Both are willing to look at their issues honestly and openly.

3. Both are willing to take responsibility for what happened to hurt the relationship.

4. Both are willing to recommit.

5. Both are willing to do things differently in the future.

If one or both of you have any issues with these steps then the relationship will not survive.

This is why we are always talking about foundation. When we build a relational foundation, part of it needs to include how you will deal with conflict. If you commit from the beginning that arguing is off the table and that honest communication is the way you will address any issue, you have already ensured yourself that you will never have to walk around egg shells in your own home.

The best part is that it is not too late. You can do this right now! Couples who recommit to each other are also usually ensured of a happily ever after.

As CoupleDumb continues our reader question, we continue to encourage everyone to send us questions. Trust us, there is a lot of stupid information out there and you have a better chance at creating a healthy, happy relationship if you ask CoupleDumb. Today’s question is simple:

What is the secret to a happily ever after?

The secret is less like a secret sauce and more like a cat’s cradle. There are many CoupleDumb-isms that we have proffered before that are the treasures that have made our relationship work the best it can.

1. Choose to love: Our spouse will upset us. Our spouse will have bad days. Our spouse will make mistakes. What we recommend is that you choose to love them in these instances. We are programmed to be defensive and take everything personally. If you would understand that the behavior of others very rarely has anything to do with you then you will find that you are hardly ever defensive. In relationship this does not excuse behavior but you do not have to take the bait. Choose to love. If he leaves the seat up, choose to love. If she nags, choose to love. If he is forgetful, choose to love. If she is forgetful, choose to love.

2. Say Thank You and Please: We have been together for 25 years. We still say thank you and please for behaviors that are routine. Paul brings me coffee, I say thank you. I make him dinner, he says thank you. We have great sex, we thank each other. Courtesy is the foundation of civilization, not because it creates a perfunctory society based on correctness but because Thank you and Please assumes that being considerate is a choice and choosing to be courteous is a big deal.

3. Be crazy for each other: One of the ways we ‘lose that loving feeling’ is that we stop doing the little things we did in the beginning of a relationship. We get lazy. We stop giving massages. We stop writing each other notes. We stop being considerate and making public displays of affection. These little things are reminders of being loved. It is the romance and naughtiness and the cheesiness and the nauseating machinations of a love addled brain and they are necessary for your spouse to feel special. I knew a couple that was together from their late teens into their 90s. They died within a month of each other. Every day, regardless of what it was, the husband gave her a gift. Some days it was a flower picked from the yard. Some days he would write her a poem. He said, “I always want her to know I am thinking of her”.

The secrets are simple but require a thoughtfulness that is missing in those who become complacent. Complacency is the cancer of a relationship.

CoupleDumb has been writing about relationships for nearly 4 years. We have tackled a lot of subjects regarding relationships and revisited the same subjects as the years have progressed. We have written and posted over 1000 posts and we still have 1000’s more to write. The subject of relationships is just as rich today as it was 4 years ago. The funny thing is that we are still asked the same questions. Why do some relationships work while others don’t? What is the secret to a happily ever after? And finally, how do you fix what’s seems broken?

First, we want to remind our readers that we are not about being miserably married. We are committed to happy relationships and sometimes what makes a person most happy or gives them the potential of the most happiness is being divorced/single.

So to answer the burning questions:

Why do some relationships work while others don’t?

This is a very loaded question because there is an element that there is a trick or magic behind a happy marriage. There is a supposition that you are either happy or un-happy. In reality, many people live in sex-less, love-less marriages. They go about their days feeling consigned to living a half-life; marriage being a death sentence instead of a relationship that encourages the highest possibility for each spouse. We would say being married is not the goal. Being happily married should be your goal.

Each relationship is unique but there are some red flags that are a sign that a relationship won’t work:

1. Disparity: Statistically, if a man marries a woman who makes more money than him or has a higher status, the relationship is not expected to work. The statistics on this have softened over the years as men become more evolved. However, disparity must always be discussed within the relationship. When a person in a relationship gauges their status in the relationship based on their income or contributions there will be an issue. Which leads directly to the next problem.

2. Competing: Couples that are constantly competing will not work. Marriage and relationships are not a competition. There is nothing wrong with a little competition but if you keep score in arguments, sex and other relationship areas, you are doomed.

3. Being right/Positioning: We don’t believe in compromise but we also do not believe that any position is worth losing your happiness over. If you are never willing to look at a different point of view, you have no business being in a relationship.

4. Sexual incompatibility: We take issue with this as an issue. Sex is not like baseball where you are born with a prowess that can only be called a gift. Sure, some people are better than others but that has more to do with commitment to the act than being gifted. Any two individuals that love each other should be willing to do what it takes to bring pleasure to their partner. If not, then you are doomed.

5. Different Values: A foundation is the most important part of a healthy relationship. Different values are not just a difference of opinions but a different way of looking at life.

Ava asks: Lee this is a question. The man I am seeing is brilliant with money and has a lot of it through diligence, great money tending skills and smarts. I was raised in a family that had lots of money and used it to control others and to part with it as soon as possible. I have been in therapy 30 years and have solved many issues, but I still have a love hate relationship with money. I want to know how to ask my friend for help, but since it is my problem I have been struggling alone with it. I am 4000 in debt and work hard to pay it off, and I am good with paying my bills. AND I seem to want things that aren’t important like clothes, etc. that I don’t really need. How can I make myself more responsible as I don’t want to impose my bad habits on him, and I want to be healthy with money for myself? Ava

Lee says: Thanks for the question, Ava. First, there are roughly 6 items that we need to address in this ‘question’ and I will try to answer them succinctly and gently.

1. You have not solved your issues as much as resolved them at the time. Issues are like having an illness. They go into remission when you address the triggering of it. They are never truly conquered without some major overhauling of your belief system (when I mean belief system I am referring to the beliefs you have made about the world, life and yourself).

2. Money is energy. Having money issues when you claim that you were raised with lots of money and all the energy surrounding that means that your issue with money is a lot more complicated than you think. I would start looking at that whole ‘controlling thing’ you mentioned. That sounds like a juicy place to start digging.

3. Your debt is your debt. Wanting isn’t a bad thing unless it is compulsive and obsessive then it is unhealthy.

4. How do you make yourself more responsible? That is a huge question. I would start by recognizing where you see yourself as a victim. The meta-message to your question really screams that you are a victim to money so that may be an area where you can start making changes. You are also stating that you victimize yourself by buying things that are not needed. Here is a suggestion: Be nice to yourself. Don’t ride yourself so hard.

5. How, do you ask? Responsibly. Being responsible is not blaming yourself. Blame is an anchor and responsibility is a battle cry! Responsibility carries you forth and is a mandate for change. Blame begs you to sit and wallow.

6. Sometimes it is best to sit in your mess for a while. Instead of getting out of debt, perhaps being in debt would help you gain perspective to your money issues. Money is energy and it flows or floods or gets hung up on obstacles. Money teaches us many lessons about life. Having money or not having money is a mindset. I know it is difficult to be in debt and you feel bad and like a failure and shame on you and bad girl and on and on…You are a victim to your money and you need to handle that relationship.

I hope this helps. If you find you need some extra coaching, we can schedule a Skype session. Please remember that you are an amazing creation and have infinite power. Somewhere along the way, you decided you didn’t. Find that point in time and rewrite your life. Good Luck!