Dear Divine Ms. L. …, 6th Edition

You should see some of the questions I get. They shock the pants and other critical garments right off me!

It’s time once again to take a peek at what brings unsuspecting Internet Searchers to my blog. The Divine Ms. L addresses more questions to which Internet Searchers crave answers even if she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, because that’s never stopped her before. Just to clear thing up, I am The Divine Ms. L. (“L” meaning “Lorna”). For reasons know only to…unknown, when I adopt the Divine Ms. L. persona, I shift up from first to third gear…person. It’s confusing. But so are some of these search terms that get directed to my blog.

All you really need to know is that there are too many, for lack of a better term, people cruising the Internet searching for answers to some, for lack of a better term, harebrained (no disrespect to hares) questions. Many of these “people” end up on “Lorna’s Voice” because their search engine directed them here. I must have a very authoritative-sounding blog. Because I’m always willing to do anything for a laugh…help as many people as I can, I try to answer as many questions as I can. Or The Divine Ms. L tries. She puts on her special-powers-hat and waits until words of wisdom waft upon her. Then she types whatever they heck she feels like.

It's convenient that there's a book-hat on top of my head in case I have to look something up, but I usually just make stuff up off the top of my head, book-hat or not.

If you missed the other installments of this series, click here here and here ,here,and here. With all this clicking, you’ll sound like a professional tap dancer.

Always wear sensible shoes when tapping and clicking your way through my blog. You could be here a long time.

DISCLAIMER: I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling which qualifies me to listen to problems until you figure them out; but you’re better off taking advice from a sleep-deprived, dizzy blonde. Oh, wait. That’s me. We’re good, then. DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER: All “questions” (inferred and direct) are as they appeared on my “Stats” Page.

Shall we begin? Dear Divine Ms. L …,

“What are things you never hear?” How should I know? I never hear them. Maybe you should ask my mom. She was always able to hear things that “never happened.”

In an attempt to hear things Harold never heard before, he fashioned himself a fancy listening device. He regretted this decision on so many levels.

“My boyfriend is 26 I’m 13.” This is technically not a question, but I know some law enforcement agencies that would like to ask a lot of questions about this situation. Just to clarify. Mr. 26, you have a girl-illegal-friend; Ms. 13, you have a man-illegal-predator. This isn’t a relationship, it’s an episode of Law & Order, Special Victims Unit.

“Old tips to make a horse whoa.”Again, this is not a real question, but you want advice about getting a horse to stop the old-fashioned way. Apparently new-fangled horses don’t respond to the time-honored “Whoa!” signal. Isn’t that just like this younger generation to ignore tradition? I suppose pulling up on the reins won’t work either because you’d be violating the horse’s rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of grass. You could try reasoning with the horse, but, this new generation horse will have a come-back for everything you say. Maybe withholding carrots until the horse obeys? Nah. Horses these days are a smart, stubborn lot. They know you’ll give in because you’ll feel guilty that you’re not a good enough owner. They’ll wait it out. Your major problem is you want the horse to like you and the horse knows it. Resign yourself to a long and rough ride, Partner.

This is unacceptable behavior. Our therapist specifically said that you were to stop when I said "Whoa!"--not when you decided to stop. Forget about the carrots until I get out of the ER.

“Can you drag your money to the grave with you?”Yes and no. Well, yes. If you decide to have an average funeral, plan to spend about $8,000 (according to the National Funeral Directors Association, who has every reason to low-ball that estimate so as not to scare you into the much cheaper alternatives of cremation or donating your body to sleep-deprived medical students to hack you to bits after they’ve watched too many episodes of “Dexter” when they should’ve been studying or sleeping). If you want a few limos for the grieving family and some celebs for pallbearers, plan on taking out a second mortgage. So you can take your money with you into the ground by spending it all on your Last Hurrah.

If you want to travel to your final resting place in a pimped-out temple-hearse, it's your money.

“What’s my age again?” Is this a trick question? I can never remember my age, so how am I supposed to know your age. After a certain age, I think we should stop measuring age in years and start measuring it in the caliber of critters we attract. I don’t know about you, but canines, men who have had too much alcohol, women who quilt, and retired men at the Wellness Center can’t seem to resist me. That’s how old I am.

Hey, Blondie, if ya git dat--buuurp--ha,ha, mutt away from you, I'll buy you one of these. We could make some of dat bee-utiful muzak together, me and you...

“Why are girls not in the mood as much?” There are so many variables in this question. “Girls” are females who haven’t reached puberty, so if they’re not as moody, it probably has something to do with having less homework and more ice cream. Let’s assume you’re referring to women. “In the mood” is vague. Are women around you are not “in the mood” for political ads, road construction, or doing the laundry? Oh, you’re probably referring to “s-e-x,” right? Now I’m catching on. “As much” needs clarification:” as much” as sex-starved nymphos in porn flicks? or “as much” as when you used to be younger, more attentive, and better looking? If you’re not getting “lucky,” look in the mirror, Buddy. Females don’t have an “in the mood” malfunction. They have options.

How do you spell options? H...U...N...K....S. I'm not in the mood as much for answering questions...

Sure! She can use one hand to take the pickle and use it to snag the donut by the hole. Then she has the other hand (and maybe her legs or elbow) to assist her with turning her clock back. I think I saw this on an episode of “America’s Got Talent.” 😉

Great post and the pictures are fab. For some reason my spammer are focussing on upholstering furniture and selling me viagra – I think I might have to shrug this off it’s just too daft to think about.

Wow, your search terms are as good/bad as mine! “How do I sex a chick?” I’d say to the rooster who pecked that question, “First, you have real talent and might want to get yourself on a reality TV show. Second, don’t they teach you that stuff in Rooster School? I’m sure it’s the lesson right after ‘Waking Up The Dead At The Crack Of Dawn.’ If you weren’t paying attention in class, that’s not my problem.” How’s that for an answer? 🙂

Brilliant! Maybe you could help my searchers? I’ve got nuthin for at least two. “Who was horse running through desert?” I assume it’s the one who was glad to be out of the rain? And, “How do I sex a chick?” (Really stumped on that one.)

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right? Cancel reply

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