Monologues for Women | "I Meditate Wrong" by Gabriel Davis

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I Meditate WrongComedic Female Monologue from the play Yoga Fartby Gabriel Davis

(Monologuist is sitting cross-legged now. Whispers to audience)This Yoga class is winding down. We’re meditating now. (Closes her eyes, takes a breath in and out. Eyes open)I’m practicing Loving Kindness Meditation. My sister’s wedding is tomorrow and I really, really want to be in a totally loving, happy place for her. Because no matter what she’s done, I can’t betray the thousands of hours we spent as kids dreaming about our weddings. This is a big f-ing deal, and I’m not going to screw it up for her. (Closes eyes)I’m going to crush this Loving Kindness Meditation. Dear sister, I’m going to love the shit out of you. Dear sister, I’m going to take my loving kindness and bury you in it. (Opens eyes)I’m not sure if I’m doing this Loving Kindness Meditation right.

I love my sister, I do. We’ve always been so close. I’m her maid of honor. It’s such an honor. I’m just struggling right now with the fact that she’s a massive slut. See, she slept with my idiot boyfriend Peter after her bachelorette party last night. Peter’s not the brightest, so I made sure to give him clear instruction: “give her a ride home.” Not take her home and give her a ride. As a police officer he should know better. Ok, he's not actually a cop, he's a stripper who dresses like one, but still he needs to respect the badge! And I know, I know, why would I have my stripper boyfriend work my sister's bachelorette party? But those guys are expensive and I got a friends and family discount.

So my moron boyfriend Peter comes home after and he tells me about it, like he deserves a medal of honor. He's like "Guess who I just did?!" Like its some wonderful surprise and when he sees I'm upset he says "What’s wrong, babe? Oh! Don’t worry; I’m not charging extra for that. I know you’re on a budget, babe."

And I'm like "Why would you do that?" and he says "Uh, because it feels good giving back and I think donations are tax deductible and she seemed so sad about getting married."

"So what?" I tell him "you just thought why not give her a pity-pity bang-bang? You’re like Saint Peter the Cheater."

I always feel like I’m Oming too long. Like my Om is the last Om at the party, still lingering after everyone else’s Om has gone home.

Well, that wasn’t calming at all. And now I have to go meet my sister for coffee and I have no idea how I’m going to calmly talk about this with her and forgive her and then love her again so her big day can be perfect.

​This monologue is from the play Yoga Fart available digitally and in print here.