It's a great look, and one adopted behind closed doors by a surprising variety of people – so why should I care about her? Because she's been awarded the highest honour available to a pop singer.

The Victoria Cross? No, you dolt, a slot at the Royal Variety Performance.

Her Maj is a big fan, then? There has been no public statement from Buckingham Palace, though we suggest Prince Philip neck some beta-blockers before the show. Goodness only knows what she will do for his blood pressure.

Foreign is she? Italian-American, but it's her racy stage act we're worried about. The Daily Telegraph reported that at the MTV video awards she pretended to stab herself to death. Fake blood sprayed everywhere, and she ended up hanging from the ceiling. She's outrageous, you know.

I can't see how that would worry Prince Philip. Sounds suspiciously like the aftermath of a trip to the grouse moor, with her as the grouse. All right then, if you still don't believe she's a threat to the very fabric of society, you should read the Daily Mail. It reported that she's become a bad influence on Beyoncé.

How? By convincing her to record fewer great pop songs and more tedious ballads? No, by getting her to wear an eye mask and a Perspex bra in a video. Lady Gaga likes her peculiar costumes.

Oh, for goodness sake. Is that the best you can do? Listen, google Lady+Gaga+Outrage and you get 190,000 hits. Google Prince+Philip+Outrage and you only get 40,900 hits. Given the number of outrages he's been involved in, I'd say that's pretty clear evidence of her outrageousness.

Do say: "I used to buy my lingerie from La Perla, but I find Perspex so much more comfortable."

Don't say: "I'm sure Prince Harry will lend you one of his costumes for the show."