Raised in more affluent circumstances than their peers, Kobe and Kanye are not only among the best in their respective fields, they share a severe lack of humility and empathy. Mutually old world-inclined, Kobe has his Italian roots, and Kanye has his constant craving to become a French man-purse (murse?) designer. Whenever, they don’t get their way, they burst into petulant hysterics–see Kanye at [Insert Awards Show], and Kobe with the refs and Shaq. Both adore diamonds more than any man should. Both shouldn’t give interviews. Both may have Asperger’s Syndrome.

Andrew Bynum=Jay Electronica

Possess enormous game-changing potential, but can’t stay on the court long enough to fully realize it. Have to return by the playoffs, if they’re going to deliver on the expectations they’ve engendered.

Lamar Odom=Del tha Funkee Homosapien

Share the tendency to disappear for long stretches of time. One is obsessed with outer space, the other frequently plays basketball like he’s on a different planet. Both have enough natural talent to enter the ranks of all-time greats, but sustain their focus as well as Girl Talk’s Twitter account. Plagued by personal tragedies (Del with a crazed, suicidal ex-girlfriend, Lamar by the death of his infant son), both have been known to smoke acres of weed.

Pau Gasol=Aesop Rock

White boys in a predominantly African-American field, who are terminally underrated due to their paucity of aesthetic grace and style. Crucial trades (Aesop from Mush to Def Jux, Pau from Memphis to LA) helped turn fledlging challengers into championship contenders. Both speak a language foreign to most Americans. Are prone to making dubious facial hair decisions.

Derek Fisher=Lord Finesse

Ultra-steady vets with little name-recognition, but who understand their role and how to maximalize their impact. Neither are flashy, but due to hard-work and hustle, both often compromise the backbone of winning squads. Loved by coaches/heads for their ability to “Keep it Flowing.”