Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)

20110930

"You're a wiffely-bobbly. Yes, a wibbly-bobbly. Stop with the wibbly-bobbly. (in a series of funny voices) Stop it I saaaaay! Stop iiiiit! Shtop it! Better, a little bit better. Better. Yes. Alright. Going to go it again!"

20110928

(with a sudden start) "Cock off, spider! Keep your legs to yourself. Stop playing with the shit that comes out of your arse as well. I don't care how sticky it is, I don't go spreading my shit all over the wall. Fucker! OOH!" (slaps my hand lying next to him)

And here is the reveal. I love this one, that Adam can't quite get over the possibility that there might be a real spider involved. A couple of relevant facts: 1) For the past week, we've had a spider living in our bathroom. We've named him Patrick; 2) Adam and the kids have been feeding the spiders in our garden, tossing dead flies into their webs and watching them wrap them up and suck out their inside bits.

20110927

Ugh. Nice. For anyone that's lost on this one, you might want to visit this wikipedia page. In fact, everyone should go see it anyway; the absolute earnestness with which it treats this unfortunate condition is priceless.

"I don't care what you think. He's a cunt. And that must make you a cunt by association."

20110921

"I will learn the language of the gummy bear. They will be astounded, and they'll have to make me their king. Yeah. King of the gummy bears. Oh, I'll be nice to them… at first. (evil chuckle) At first. Num num num num num num. I'll eat their feet with a lovely carton of Ribena. Num num num num num num..."

I was baffled when I heard this one. Marrow? Like, the stuff inside bones? How exactly would you threaten someone with that?! It turns out that "marrow" is the UK equivalent of "squash". Here's a marrow:

And, like "squash" in the US, "marrow" is mistakenly thought to refer to only certain members of it's vegetable family, when it actually encompasses tasty things like pumpkins and zucchini as well ("zucchini" has it's own word here, too. It's "courgette").

20110919

And this is a new development: My first sort of conversation with Sleep Talkin' Man, although at the time, I had no idea. Adam sat up quite suddenly, and the following conversation ensued. I assumed he was awake, and was relating to me his dream.

Do you want to hear the things you said? I've been up for an extremely long time, so I already have them all ready to go.

ADAM:

Mmmm-hmmm.

KAREN:

Ready?...

RECORDING:

"I've got all the ammunition in the world. But if I run out, bring on the chinchillas!"

KAREN:

I have a question. I've been wondering for the last two hours while I've been lying awake. Is it that you have the chinchillas trained to attack? Or are you just planning to throw chinchillas at your enemy?

ADAM:

I thought I'd be using them as ammunition, so slingshots and catapults filled with chinchillas.

KAREN:

But it could be that they're all attack chinchillas, and you have a huge army of them, and you just let them loose. They're really fast.

20110906

"I wrote your life story. It was shit. So I flushed it. And now it's bobbing along with all the other turds. You're a turd. Turdy turdy turd. A turd turtle! Turd. Turd. You're a shit. Turd. Poop! (giggles) I said 'poop'. Poop! Poop... You're a turd."

20110903

Here's what's so great about this one: I've started addressing Sleep Talkin' Man sometimes before we go to sleep. For example, if Adam hasn't talked in his sleep for a few days, I'll say, "Listen, Sleep Talkin' Man in there, I really miss you. Could you please come and visit me tonight?" A few nights ago, I said, apropos of nothing, "Sleep Talkin' Man, I'd really like to hear about manatees, okay?" And this was what came out that very night. Sounds like STM resented my showing interest in any particular subject matter, rather that his mere existence. Awesome.

6:14. Give me a moment, can you give me just a second? Okay: you're a freak!

ADAM:

I love you too.

KAREN:

Oh my god. Before you woke up, you were saying, "No, your eyes, they're going to eat me!" But then, you started making this noise... I can't...

ADAM:

What are you trying to say?

KAREN:

I got really freaked out, to be honest. I can't even do it. I can't do anything even remotely resembling, and I bet you couldn't even do it awake.

ADAM:

I'll have to hear it. Is it like the noises you've heard before?

KAREN:

No! No! It's like nothing I've ever heard before. Okay, I'm going to try really hard to do my best approximation. (to self) How would you make that noise... Something like (makes a noise that just barely resembles the actual noise...) You did it for a long time. It was horrible. I actually got kind of scared. I don't know what I mean by that, 'cause I wasn't scared in any kind of rational way that something would happen to you—