Monday, May 23, 2005

Shoehorn Day

Shoehorn Day!

You pay strange women to come to your home and make you gag by pressing down on your tongue with your own shoehorn. Today, after about seven minutes of being gagged nearly to vomiting down the woman's wrist, her boyfriend will burst through the front door and shout, "Jessica!"

She'll have told you her name was Amber.

"I swear I don't have sex with him," Jessica will shout.

"What the hell are you talking about? He's in his underwear!"

Not exactly. You'll be wearing black rubber trunks.

"But it never goes further than this," Jessica will shout. "He just pays me to hold this shoehorn on his tongue until he throws up a bunch of times. Then he falls panting to the floor and tells me to root through his trousers for my cash."

The boyfriend will look like he's trying to find the downside.

"If you needed the money…"

Jessica will smile. "I was saving up to buy you an iPod for my birthday."

"Oh baby," the boyfriend will say. "I can't listen to an iPod. I've been letting this old guy fuck my ear for fifty dollars a shot. My doctor says all that semen has permanently damaged my ear drums."

"Oh my God," Jessica says. "If holding a shoehorn down on this guy's tongue had left me unable to play a PSP, this would totally be like 'Gift of the Magi!'"

Jessica and her boyfriend run off to be happy together, but not before her boyfriend beats you into a coma and steals everything in your home that looks like it might be worth something.