Looking for Something?

“First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do.” https://t.co/Owclhi2D6T

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

Secretary of State

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

Secretary of DefenseChief of StaffNational Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

Director of Communications

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Speaker of the House

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

9 Out of 10 Lions Say Nazis Are Tasty as Fuck

Whelp, in the last couple of days our dipshit President has been called a blustering chimpanzee by Jane Goodall, and a “dotard” by that one chubby, belligerent North Korean fellow. Accuracy notwithstanding, it makes one sad that William Shakespeare won’t get a crack at our artificially-tanned, inadequately-fingered, chief executive.

In other words, friends…shit be cray.

Anyhow, the Dotard Chimpanzee wants everybody to know that the whole Russia thing is a hoax, despite all the investigations and no-knock Manafort raids and whatnot.

Weirdly, this particular tweet came on the day when Homeland Security informed 21 states that “Russian government cyber actors” attempted to hack their election systems ahead of November 2016.

Anyway, we’re assured they weren’t at all successful, even though they targeted a bunch of swing states and the election was ultimately swung by about a football-stadium’s-worth of votes.

Sleep tight, is all I’m sayin’.

So, this Republican state representative in South Dakota figured that everyone would be all giggly and delighted by a little meme she shared about running cars into crowds full of protesters, because that’s what that Nazi terrorist did in Charlottesville, and if comedy has one golden rule, it’s that things Nazis do to murder people are universally regarded as hilarious.

It’s ok though. She issued roughly 38% of an apology. Consequences are for CUCKS.

Meanwhile Rambunctious Robert Mueller is apparently after ALL THE RECORDS these days, on the Comey firing, the Flynn firing, probably on the various crimes SCROTUS has committed against god-knows-how-many perfectly decent steaks.

And Dorito Mussolini keeps talking about his cool new autocrat friend, Tayyip Erdogan, whose goons beat up some American protesters…again. Yeah, you’d generally expect the President of the United States to take sides with his own people against the foreign nationals pounding the crap out of them, but we live in…unconventional times.

Betsy DeVos officially implemented her long-anticipated Affirmative Action for Rapists Initiative. “We like our campus sexual assaults like we like our tax returns,” DeVos said, “Drastically underreported in service of maintaining established power dynamics!” Betsy’s just one short leap away from setting up free rohypnol dispensers at frat houses.

From Politico, we learned that Tangerine Idi Amin is stocking the Agriculture Department with random, comically under-qualified campaign holdovers. Once the wheels really start coming off this wagon, and the resignations start piling up, we’re gonna wind up with pizza delivery boys as Joint Chiefs, mark my words.

The Mooch went on the View to take The Dump on The Staff. Apparently he finds Reince Priebus dislikable, he thinks Sean Spicer was a liar (HOT TAKE THERE, MOOOCH), and says Steve Bannon has white supremacist “tendencies,” which makes it sound like he just occasionally burns a small cross in somebody’s lawn when he’s had one too many Zimas.

Well, it looks like the latest attempt to repeal the ACA and replace it with a Mile High Pile of Murder has run off the rails. Susan Collins is leaning no, John McCain gave Lindsey Graham the NEW JACK CITY Am-I-My-Brother’s-Keeper routine, and Rand Paul won’t support it unless it sends the poor to Dickensian workhouses or something.

We need three GOP “no” votes, and we’ve only officially got two at this moment, so it’s kinda fun to imagine the epic bribes Mitch McConnell must be offering Lisa Murkowski today. “We’ll make you Duchess of Kentucky, Lisa! We’ll make Marco Rubio dress up like a showgirl and dance for your amusement!”

Under most circumstances, repeating the same storyline over and over leads to diminished audience interest, BUT, speaking only for myself, I have a virtually limitless appetite for The Mitch McConnell Bets Big on Obamacare Repeal Only to Faceplant and Walk Away With a Giant Plate Full of Failure Show.

Of course, there’s no real reason to antagonize Kim Jong-un. It puts hundreds of thousands of lives at risk and accomplishes precisely Jack Shit. Sadly, our current head of state prioritizes “A bunch of strangers’ lives” significantly below “Showing off the clever nickname I just thought up.”

In other news, “Rocket Man,” is what passes for “clever” to the most powerful human being alive. Sssssssssigh.

Tom Price keeps trying to explain his way around the 300-grand-and-counting private jet bill he’s dropped in the taxpayer’s lap (we can’t afford Meals on Wheels, but we have plenty of spare $$$$ to make sure Tommy Boy doesn’t have to get Poor on him when he feels like getting away from the office for the day.) Something about his demanding schedule, or the hurricanes, or, most insultingly/hilariously to “connect” with “real Americans.”

Speaking of cartoonishly corrupt fuckheads, WaPo informs us that EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has basically been on a not-so-secret-Santa tour lately, meeting with “corporate executives from the automobile, mining and fossil fuel industries” before eagerly doing their bidding.

I tell you folks, I’m practically CHOKING on the populism, there’s so much populism.

Anyhow, the guy who was allegedly so fabulously rich that he wouldn’t be beholden to wealthy special interest donors is getting his ever-ballooning legal fees paid for by…wealthy special interest donors! Boy howdy, if buying access to government officials happens to be your thang, you couldn’t hope to do any better than a septuagenarian grifter frantically scrambling to fend off a lifetime’s worth of comeuppance.

And if I told you one of these donors has a bunch of connections to Russian oligarchs, up to and including Uncle Vlad’s bud Viktor Vekselberg, you’d accuse me of really pushing the envelope with this whole collusion thing, right? “C’mon,” you’d say, “Shartboy paying his legal fees with Russian oil money? Is that really BELIEVABLE?”

Well anyway, because Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops was a very good boy and hasn’t praised any Nazis for almost week, John Kelly let him go down to Alabama for a rally. Allegedly, it was a rally for Senator Luther Strange ahead of Tuesday’s primary runoff, but Donnie made sure to let everybody know that he “might’ve made a mistake,” and would campaign for his opponent (Deranged Bull Connor cosplayer Roy Moore) if he lost, because LOYALTY. He played all the hits, from the classic “Lock Her Up” to the new, Rick Rubin*-produced “Rocket Man.” He was very high on Strange’s tallness.

He went after Colin Kaepernick, too. He’s probably just jealous, since Colin actually makes the charitable donations he pledges. Anyway, it’s really neat to have a President who thinks people should be fired for exercising their first amendment rights, innit?**

I dunno. My working hypothesis is that I live in the alternate reality where all the Star Trek characters have sinister mustaches and shit. I’m trying real hard to get back home to a place where things make some semblance of since, but until then…

…shit be cray. Vote in the Goddamn Midterms.

*I don’t mean to disparage Rick Rubin.

** It is not actually “neat.” I say this because some folks on the internet have a little trouble with sarcasm.

Looking for Something?

“First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do.” https://t.co/Owclhi2D6T

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

Secretary of State

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

Secretary of DefenseChief of StaffNational Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

Director of Communications

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Speaker of the House

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.