UK’s oldest document reveals ancient Brexit uncertainty

The writer goes on to accuse opponents of scaremongering and inventing misleading statistics

A tablet discovered during an archaeological dig in London – and believed to be the oldest hand-written document in the UK – was actually an opinion piece on Brexit, it has been revealed.

The wooden tablet dates from 57 AD, and appears to have been a fragment of a large wooden newspaper article, weighing up the pros and cons of severing ties with the continent.

The deciphered text reads “…and would it not be sensible in our estimation to restrict befouling immigrants, whose manners be not gentle, and who conniving verily take jobs which should go unto natives?”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, who is running the dig at the site of Bloomberg’s new headquarters, said “This document reveals a fascinating portrait of our primitive Roman ancestors’ obsession with discussing political and economic matters that they have no real clue about.

“The long-running 1st century debate about whether Roman Britain should secede from Roman Europe was a question which vexed many people, leading to an enormous outpourings of ignorant rantings on the subject from all quarters of society.

“We think there was some sort of plebiscite on the matter, which is when a government chickens out of making an important decision and instead opens it up to a vote by the poorly-educated, bigoted and short-sighted denizens of the country – who had only elected the government to make precisely these kinds of difficult decisions in the first place.

“I know it’s a bit ahistorical and judgemental of me, but sometimes you can’t help looking back and thinking ‘what retards’.”

Another, slightly later, document discovered during the same dig dates from 59 AD and is currently being translated. Early indications suggest that it calls the author of the earlier document a scaremongering wanker, and warns of global financial apocalypse and the rise of fascist dictators, in the event of cutting ties with Europe.