This almost made me cry, and I’m no crybaby. (Part 1)

I’ve been reading around to get some women’s perspectives on BDSM and I came across this post. Here’s an excerpt from a female submissive’s blog:

The other point to make here is that the amount of ‘pampering’ and other such treatment of me by Sir, has definitely increased during my pregnancy. Most of it can be seen as my Master taking care of me, and trying to help alleviate some of the difficulties, uncomfortabilities and worries i have been experiencing, and He is also of course looking out for the welfare of His unborn child in doing so. So the treatment i have been experiencing recently is not typical of how He normally treats me as a slave. Having said that, i am aware that i receive much better treatment than many other slaves do, for example Sir will often take time to paint my nails for me, and if i offer Him a massage He will sometimes choose to reciprocate with one for me. And there’s many many little things He does for me such as brush my hair, or wash me in the bath, or give me a foot rub, and so on.

Some people would frown on that sort of treatment of a slave by her Master, and say He is spoiling me and stepping outside of His ‘role’ and weakening the dynamic, and such like. But i don’t see it like that. Firstly, it is Sir’s choice to do those things or not, and sometimes i get them and sometimes i don’t. He does them purely because He wants to, because it makes Him happy to do them, or because He has some other motive in mind when He performs them. And to be honest, it reflects His treatment of me as a whole – yes i am His slave and under His control, but that doesn’t mean that He wants to treat me as a piece of dirt, or ignore me, or neglect me. He happens to love me very much, just as i love Him, so making me happy and content is something that He likes to do, as His lover as well as His slave. my roles as ‘slave’ and ‘girlfriend/fiancee’ kind of blend into one and the boundaries between them get blurred, but i am pretty sure that Sir would treat me in a similar way (with regards to the ‘pampering’) were i only one of these and not both.

i never ever expect or demand or even ask for this kind of pampering treatment, i view it as a luxury, a treat, a bonus, and feel very lucky any time that Sir chooses to dole it out to me. And often, Sir is very intuitive and chooses to give it at times when i need it most – such as when i’ve had a bad day and am feeling low, or tired, or cranky, or achy. So He meets my needs in that way, without me even needing to communicate the problem to Him. i also find that being pampered by Sir helps us to connect in a different way than other activities do, it broadens the dynamic between us and strengthens our love for each other. i see it a bit like having a much loved pet – Sir wants me to be as happy and healthy and well-looked after as possible, as well as maintaining my body for His pleasure, and pampering treats are one way in which He keeps His property in top condition. i guess it’s comparable to taking your dog on a walk, and grooming it, and buying it toys, and giving it nice food and treats, and stroking it, and playing games with it…..

That’s right. She analogizes the way she’s treated to the way one would treat a dog AS AN EXCUSE for the fact that her fiance doesn’t make her sleep on the floor while she’s pregnant.

38 thoughts on “This almost made me cry, and I’m no crybaby. (Part 1)”

My mind is thoroughly boggled. Then again, I participate in the online… thing Second Life, and there are slaves abound. They freak the hell out of me and I don’t like talking to them. Many people have tried to make me their slave or master and I just will not do it. That said, I’d rather someone who felt the need to be submissive do it online where they’re more detached from it… and not at home with your fiancée while pregnant and being treated like an animal that eats its own poo.

See, the Master/slave thing bothers me a lot more than kinky sex does. Sexual fetishes – even ones involving pain or beatings – I can wrap my head around, but the whole ownership/”slavery” thing totally escapes me. I just don’t get it, and I think all the terminology is pretty offensive, too, considering that there’s real slavery going on in the world.

Still, it would be hard to make the case that this woman is actually being held in this arrangement against her will or coerced into it in some way – she seems to have family to go to, and she seems to have had other, non-M/s relationships in the past, and she seems to have chosen this one. So I find it hard to go from seeing this as a relationship dynamic that I don’t understand or approve of to seeing it as one requiring legal, medical, or political intervention.

Now,seriously,in despite of this being disgusting,we,as women,must be aware, BDSM relationships always involve manipulation,from those involved. Which we read here is sick,but we must have in mind both individuals involved in such a dynamic surely have many issues.

This being said,I don’t understand how a woman can lower herself like that, reducing herself to a thing. These women harm feminism more than any pathetic gorean man.

panoptical – I don’t disagree. I think this sort of thing, line rampant porn use, can only be dealt with through a reorientation of cultural values, which I suppose is why I write this blog. I have to say, though, that after an evening of reading submissive women’s blogs, I’m feeling as pessimistic about that change occurring as I ever have.

What frightens me the most is that the child is going to be raised like this, whether her parents try to hide it from her or not. These relationships sound more like stories of battered women than stories of consensual adults. Perhaps there’s a pathology involved?

One thing is for sure – it sucks that this particular scenario will propagate to the next generation.

Yeah, I’d say there are serious pathologies involved on all sides. Did you note that there’s now another submissive woman in the situation? This guy sounds like a cross between Warren Jeffs and Ike Turner with a few corny outfits thrown in.

What just hit me is the huge difference in mentality between a woman who could do this to herself and a woman like, well, the people commenting on this post. We are both women, both thinking, feeling, probably not epically dense women, and yet something has shifted so far in her mind as to make this acceptable, let alone normal or desirable to her. I can’t possibly imagine what that could be. If someone came up to me (and actually this has happened) and asked me to submit to them, they would get a swift kick in the genitals, resulting in urinating blood for a couple of days.

On the other hand though, there’d be many, many people who’d not understand what went wrong with a woman to make her a feminist. Though, in part that might be feminists being tarred with the same brush…”you’re not a real feminist like me” seems to be the jist of many posts here, and I can see why people resort to such name calling sometimes.

“Now,seriously,in despite of this being disgusting,we,as women,must be aware, BDSM relationships always involve manipulation,from those involved. Which we read here is sick,but we must have in mind both individuals involved in such a dynamic surely have many issues.

This being said,I don’t understand how a woman can lower herself like that, reducing herself to a thing. These women harm feminism more than any pathetic gorean man.”

How do you come to the conclusion that all BDSM relationships involve manipulation? I’m a practicing dominant woman and my husband is my submissive and I can say I’ve never once manipulated him into doing anything I’ve asked.

That’s right, I said asked. I treat him with the utmost respect and love. I don’t demand, I don’t whine, I don’t manipulate. If I need something done I ask him to do it and he does it.

I am the final authority on any major decision that affects our lives, however that doesn’t mean he isn’t asked for his input and wisdom on any given situation we face as a couple. Our roles were discussed and negotiated out prior to engaging in this type of relationship with each of us being honest and straightforward about our wants, needs, and desires within the context of having a relationship.

He has a job, his own checking account, his own hobbies and friends; he is by all accounts a “normal” man. I do realize you are talking about male dominant/female submissive or slave here, but I know many male dominant/female submissive couples who operate in a similar fashion.

Whether you agree or disagree there is always an unequal balance of power in any relationship; whether its between a man and a woman or two women or two men. Think about your parents, or maybe friends who are in a relationship who had/has control of the relationship? I can tell you that in each relationship there is one person who has more power than the other person; there is no such thing as 50/50 and if you believe it then you are fooling yourself.

Do you share the same opinion about my dynamic? If not why the double standard? If I tie my husband up and do wicked things to him and he has an orgasm and is deleriously happy afterward is it wrong? Not only am I fulfilling some of HIS innermost and secret desires, but I am also fulfilling mine; we are two sides of the same coin.

Firstly, nine time out of ten the master/slave relationship gets hidden from the kids. A lot of people want their children to grow up unbiased by their own concepts of sexuality, especially S&M folk.
I dated a women for a little while who was lifestyle almost to the point of this couple and she had a 6 year old son. We kept all the play behind closed doors and he was none the wiser.
We realize society looks down upon us in a big way. Some of the previous comments have mentioned how S&M is becoming more mainstream, but lets face it, there is no easy way out of explaining to your son’s teacher why he thought it was all right to spank the girls in class. Or worse, how daddy hits mommy when she does something wrong. It’s a nightmare for all involved.
As for their relationship dynamic…. I think it’s extreme, but it’s a life choice. She isn’t forced into that role and if she was, there are women’s shelters aplenty that would welcome her with open arms.
At some point, she decided she likes this lifestyle. Maybe she enjoys the big problematic decisions in life being taken from her. Maybe she was never ready to grow up. But this is not even the majority. While a few people take it this far, you are viewing a minority in the heart of a minority.

For real? You can’t really think kids are that dumb. Are you aware that curiosity is literally a child’s JOB (occupation: “student”)?

Think back. When you were a kid, what did you know that your parents were positive you were “none the wiser” about? I, for one, discovered my mom’s diaphragm and vibrator when I was 6, and I assure you, it was very well hidden. Sure, I didn’t REALLY understand what they were… until I was about 10.

quoting jaedyn:
“I don’t demand, I don’t whine, I don’t manipulate. If I need something done I ask him to do it and he does it.”

congratulations. you have a well brainwashed slave. how’d you manage that? maybe you should give a few tips to the ‘master’ of that woman from the blog? then he won’t have to punish her by making her dress like a cat anymore: http://libbysub.blogspot.com/2007/12/catty-girl.html

“Whether you agree or disagree there is always an unequal balance of power in any relationship; whether its between a man and a woman or two women or two men.”

agreed. and like you, i think that recognition of these unequal power blanaces should not be followed by efforts to dismantle that equality and work on building as equitable relationships as we possibly can. rather, let’s take those existing power imbalances and see if we can make them even more unblanced! ooh, hopefully somebody will get whipped, too! i’m turned on already.

nine deuce, i’m gonna once again post the link to the facebook group “sex-positive leftists critical of bdsm”. actually i’m gonna post it as a comment under all your anti-bdsm blog entries. i hope you don’t mind. i’m assuming you’ll be glad to get the word out on other sources which critique bdsm.

please note i will be updating the group in the near future with points i want to add, others i want to expand on, and several quantitative research studies that i have recently found (yay!) to support a couple of claims i made (one, that a history of childhood sexual abuse is correlated at a statistically significant level with bdsm type fantasies; and two, that patriarchal gender roles tend to be reproduced in bdsm, in that males are much more likely than females to be “doms” and females are much more likely than males to be “subs”).

wow, my comments got approved so quickly! like the fast food of the blog world?

i re-read my comment and realized i made a VERY significant typo, the kind that changes the entire meaning of the senctence. i wrote the word “equality” when i meant to write “inequality”.

here it is in full:

the typo sentence says: “and like you, i think that recognition of these unequal power blanaces should not be followed by efforts to dismantle that equality and work on building as equitable relationships as we possibly can”

the sentence SHOULD read: “and like you, i think that recognition of these unequal power blanaces should not be followed by efforts to dismantle that inequality and work on building as equitable relationships as we possibly can”

“and like you, i think that recognition of these unequal power balances should not be followed by efforts to dismantle that inequality and work on building as equitable relationships as we possibly can”

…I’m still not on your side of the boat, but “blanaces” just…makes my spellcheck itch.

“several quantitative research studies that i have recently found (yay!) to support a couple of claims i made (one, that a history of childhood sexual abuse is correlated at a statistically significant level with bdsm type fantasies; and two, that patriarchal gender roles tend to be reproduced in bdsm, in that males are much more likely than females to be “doms” and females are much more likely than males to be “subs”).”

…I can’t believe I’m actually doing this, as I’m sure any response will be full of sarcasm and/or verbal abuse, but I’m curious. What about those of us in the BDSM world who have no history of ANY kind of abuse, but still like it? My parents are one of the only couples I know still happily married over 25 years later, completely vanilla, and the most awesome, loving, caring parents I’ve ever met (just ask anybody who’s met them)…and yet, I’m a kink, and personally I consider myself quite healthy. I’m even one of those weirdos who likes being submissive AND being Dominant, and masochistic AND sadistic – it just depends on my moods and my partner. Hell, I’m a bisexual girl to boot! I like everything! So, got any theories on what happened to me?

Also – I totally acknowledge that we haven’t shaken the idiocy that is patriarchy yet, and one’s culture does shape one’s personality, but I’m no more likely to kneel than to stand. Why is my desire for power play so offensive to you, and why do people constantly assume it’s because something bad happened to me in my childhood? Didn’t we go through this with other sexual minorities? Can we please stop making judgments on what other people do in the bedroom?

er..hmmm. I was just reading your blog, ive read before, maybe about a year ago. So this has been the first time in ages, but there are loas of other blogs i used to read almost addictivly – written buy “sub” females in “D/s” relationships.

So how strange to see you covering not only this subject, but a blog i used to read.

erm i guess i used to be in a simular relationship…now i cant go on thouse blogs without feeling and immense amount of pity. and a little disgust. What a bloody turn around.

BOOOT. I feel like i have to add…after (sadly ) following that women’s blog for over a year…I feel i know her in some way, i know her profession, she lives in england like me, her baby’s been born, she’s had post natal problems, er anyway…Her fiance dosent seem evil…she she comes across as very sweet, niave and even child like (which grossly could be a topic in its self) And he comes across as very loving. I now see them as abit miss guided and old fashioned in their choices, but i have read some much much grosser things.

And erm, where do these needs come from?
My ex boyfriend when trying to convince me to go out with him again…and take part in “power exchange” (grossy,) said he dosent believe that all men should treat women like this, it just works for us, on a unique personal level.

And many of these female bloggers think this…I used to believe this. To be honest in the beginnging the whole idea was mine! He wasnt into it at all and just did it to make me happy.
He wouldnt hit me/hurt me.
I used to get into bed *wishing* he would make me sleep on the floor. and then “act out” until i got the rection i wanted.

I know I’m late to the game but sersiously WTF. Don’t make you’re sexuality a ‘lifestyle’, it’s a part of who you are not the defining force in your life. Make your self as a whole person instead of constantly living in Master/Slave relationship it’s unhealthy. Roleplaying is fine but you need to seperate from the rest of your life otherwise you’ve got yourself a sexualised ‘consensual’ abusive relationship. This ongoing treatment can and often does distort the phyche and can easily foster Stockholm or batterered person syndrome just like anyother abusive relationship just with BSDM. Just because you practice BDSM It doesnt make immune to actual abuse. Face the facts if the same dynamic existed in a non-sexual way I doubt you’d think that is reasonable behaviour.

I read the ‘catty’ blog, I believe in proportionate reactions to people. Not letting my emotions get in the way I before I react I try and understand why the person is behaving in such a way then try to take react reasonably and fairly.

I don’t think having dragging your pregnant wife out of a store then punishing her with a (prepared, lest the slave give you lip) buttplug then using her own make up to humilate her likening her to an animal with conotations with bitchness is something healthy minded people do. Is the master/slave relationship not allowed be called off not matter how far things go? Can you not say no or put thing on pause because if you can’t it doesn’t sound consensual to me. Its not renogoitating consent but giving them a blank check and going along with whatever abuse is thrown your way.

Why can’t the master/slave dynamics be used only during sexual settings instead of all the time? Could someone please explain because it sounds incredibly draining, restrictive, stressful and just plain impractical Is it necessary? What he did was emotional abuse I don’t care how you cut it whether it was consensual it’s still abuse and for lack of better term fucked up. That he decided only to make ‘concessions’ instead just putting the whole thing on pause is beyond (I have no words) not even pregnancy can stop the punishment seeing physical punishment isn’t viable just ramp up the emotional and phychological punishment/abuse. I don’t know the man/master but I judge peoples actions more than what they label themselves as. He was out of line. He was deliberate, unapolegetic, calculating and vindictive. It is not reasonable to have constant D/s dynamic nor is it to sexually punish someone for snarking at you then to convince the person that they were in the wrong. It strikes me as the actions of an abusive, controlling, unhinged overgrown manchild.

Reestablishing yourself as the master forcing her home to subjucating her the closest thing to a beating you can think of is nowhere near reasonable. In fact I question the both pathology and nuerology of this man.

Im not trying to personalise this but the simple fact it happened is inexusable. This is not something you want to expose children to, it’d be fine if they kept it strictly it the bedroom but given dynamics of their relationship is not strictly in the bedroom I doubt this will truly be keep seperate from the child. Children absorb their surroundings, they will see the non-sexual power dynamics the way mum and dad act shapes them I don’t think this evironment will shape the for the better. A kink is not more important that a childs development

That blog is disgusting. I couldn’t read more than a few paragraphs without getting incredibly angry. It’s also very frustrating to know that there’s nothing I can do about it. Such women have been so heavily brainwashed that any attempt at enlightening them would be completely ignored.

This may sound selfish, but…after reading that horror story, I am feeling especially glad to be me. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I wonder how the “deep trust, intimacy and respect” that I keep hearing about in D/s relationships would go if Libby got up one day and said “I’m tired of calling you “Sir”, Fred. I just got a job at the credit union, so I am going to need you to take on your half of the child care and housework responsibilities” ???

Except for the part where she evinces liking the rapist in question, this was me 15 years ago.
Except I didn’t consent (not saying she did in any meaningful way, just saying I actively refused. Repeatedly. Number that factoid as amongst the many details that weren’t particularly important.)
That, and he did make me sleep on the floor. Because he wooooorked. (At a prison. Fifteen years later, he still does. Different prison. Fourth, I think. He enjoys it. A lot.)
(So did I, overnights in a cleanroom doing manual assembly of data center hardware. I was 7-8 months pregnant. My daughter was a year old. We “couldn’t afford” daycare or a babysitter or anything for her, which is why I had to take the overnight shift.)
It’s called 24/7 non-consentual lifestyle or some shit like that, and my experience was in no way unique. As evidenced by the fact that it has a fucking name.