Why is it such a big deal??

Tiffany - posted on 10/04/2010
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My husband has a friend who has 4 kids. We have 2. We go visit them and it always ends in us leaving and I always get upset. The wife is fine. I never have problems out of her. But my husbands friends, her husband, is just so annoying. He is ALWAYS telling us that DHR is going to take our kids. Here are the crazy reasons.

1) When our one year old falls over and bumps her head, we look the other way and she gets up and acts like nothing happens. If she sees that we saw her, she will scream and wont let us put her down for a long time. If we let it be, she is fine. We done the same with our older son and his friend hated it.

2) If my kids get sick, I dont take them to the dr right then. I give them time to fight it on their own, and if it gets worse or dont get any better i take them.

3) Our 2 year old is ALWAYS covered in bruises. HE IS 2!!!! He says if someone calls that dhr can push it and say we beat him. This past weekend they were worried about sending their 5 year old to school today cuz she had 2 small bruises on her arms. ??? hello she is a child???

4) We dont force our kids to wear cloths in the house. If we arnt going outside or anywhere, I let them wear a diaper. Thats what they would prefer.

And many many many other things that are absolutly crazy reasons to say we are going to get in trouble.

So my question is, many people think we are horrible for not making a big deal out of it when our kids get hurt. We check them once we see they are not going to cry, and let them go about playing. If it an obvious hard fall, then yes, of course we get them right away. But why is it such a big deal to people. I really dont want my kids to think that everytime they fall it is a huge OMG big deal when its not. Kids fall, kids get bruises non stop and if i make a big deal out of it then it will be non stop crying cuz i dont have very graceful kids lol. But yea, back to the point, why do people think we are horrible for the way we do things???

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Nothing you've described sounds horrible at all. It sounds like you have a healthy balance of caring and realism in your parenting. Kids are kids. They get sick and hurt and need caring parents to look out for them, but over coddling is NOT healthy for anyone.

Yeah, I wouldn't be going over there much anymore. He sounds like enough of an asshat that HE would call DHR on you. And no, of course you're not supposed to freak out and coddle them every single time they take a little tumble -- that'd break them out more than the fall did! And as long as the kids are warm enough, who cares if they're running around in a diaper at home? It's probably healthier for them, when you think about it.

No, I would just say to him, "You know, you don't make it very enjoyable for us to visit when you keep criticizing our parenting skills. Everybody does things differently, and our kids are happy and healthy. So just let it go, okay?"

If he doesn't, I'd tell my husband that if he wants to see his friend, he can do so alone. Life is too short to spend time with someone who makes you feel bad.

I had a "friend" like this once. After one remark I said " Yes! Isn't amazing she has lived this long? and I manage at all on the days I am not here with you?"I would start giving it back to him a few times before I quit going over so they knew why you you weren't going over anymore.

If they invite your family over, explain that you are tired of being criticized for the way you parent your children. If the guy is not a total jerk, he may apologize and promise he will make an effort. If not, let your husband meet up with his friend for beer.

Oh good lord. These people sound like complete ninnies. Do they raise their kids in hermetically sealed bubbles? Kids get bumps and bruises and sniffles. You sound like a perfectly normal mom with your head on straight. That friend of yours would hate me, since my kids ALWAYS have bruises and almost never see a dr except for check ups. Oh, and they both have gotten injured bad enough at least once to garner a dr/er visit. What do ya know, they're KIDS. Tell the helicopter parents to stuff their judgements, you'll raise your kids as you see fit. By the way, their kids are going to be the weenies in life that simply can't deal, physically or emotionally. You keep on doing what you're doing!

52 Comments

you're not doing a thing wrong. kids will actually wait to see what our reactions are so they know how they are supposed to react. If we raise a fuss they will think it's a big problem and get worked up about it too. Don't worry about your husbands friend, Maybe you should look for new friends.

Your husband's friend sounds like a buttinsky. I see nothing wrong with what you're doing, except you might want to reconsider letting your kids run around in just a diaper unless it's hot outside. They need to understand that they need to get dressed--especially your daughter. Right now, it's not a big deal, but as she gets older it will be. As far as the bruises go, if your son is anything like my oldest was, he's in overdrive all the time, curious and into everything--sound about right? The only thing I might be concerned with there is why he bruises so easily--and that's something to talk to your doctor about. Your husband's friend sounds like he's very protective of his kids and also very defensive--why go to the threat of DHS so much otherwise? If you are paying attention to what your kids are doing and they are healthy and not hurt, you aren't doing anything wrong--this is just a difference of opinion in how to handle things. Gently tell this friend that he can handle his kids his way and you will handle yours in your own way.

I know the state doesn't make money but it does keep them in a job. And you are right in some cases where the state may not stop in soon enough. I think before taking a child away from any parent needs to be thoroughly investigated and a lot of times that does not happen on either side of the coin. And I commend you for being a foster parent. I know several foster parent's who do a great job. And I don't know where some of these children would be without you. But I'm say that too many times the state has interferred where they should not have.

@Barb. Hate to tell you, but the state does not make money on the kids that get taken from their parents. It costs the state money. The state has to pay for the kids since they are out of the parents care. I'm a foster parent and my experience is that the state doesn't step in soon enough sometimes and sends kids back to homes that are unsafe and unfit.

Why would anyone rely on Children's Services if you are being a mom and dad. Tfhere have been way too many cases called on parents that didn't deserve it. I worked for the state and most of them don't mind taking children from their parents. It's like being a surgeon, how do you think they make their money..surgery. We let the state fun things when it is our duty to take care of our children. That's not to say that if a child is abused they should be left in the home. But the first thing people want to do is get the state involved.

I think you are doing the right thing. I treat my kids in the same manor as well and they are far from neglected, abused or dying! It sounds to me like maybe they have had DHS called in on them in the past being that they are so worried about it......or maybe it stems from something that happened in his childhood. You will never really know where people come up with their ways of thinking. I would just try to avoid going to their house and maybe have your husband talk to him about the comments? Either way, you sound like you are doing a great job to me.

I would assume that any childrens service would pull school records to see if you are pulling them out often to hide something. I know that when a friend of mine had her child taken away for a few weeks (long story but she made a bad choice and left her son with someone who chose to use drugs around him and the grandmother found out and called CPS) they pulled a medical history and thought it odd that he was to the doctor so often. So when your husbands friend starts freaking out at you, you might want to mention those next time. The poor guy seems to believe the system is out to get him. Also, around here, if there are too many toys or other things on the floor it can be ruled a hazard for the child, but at the same time, a case was thrown out of the local court a few years ago because the CPS agent didn't have anything else to back it up. They need another reason to take the kid for more than a few days, its usually just an excuse to get the kid away to talk to them about suspected abuse.

Tiffany, Hi. Let me introduce myself. I'm a mom of 2 18 year old son and 12 year old girl. My son when he was a toddler he would always be bruised up. There is no way to keep your child from getting bruised up. All of my sister's kids and mine would always be bruised up cause they love to play. You are RIGHT If People wouldn't make such a OMGosh he/she fell!! about it. The child wouldn't cry and notice that you aren't making such a hassle about it either. I know what you mean!! About not wearing clothes when they are at home...I did the same with my kids...They both hated to wear clothes. We were at home no one was coming over so no big deal. I was the laid back parent I guess. We all survived! : D

I do the same thing. I dont' run up to my child for every bump or bruise. Alot of kids wait to see the adult's reaction before they have their reaction. I also don't take my kid to the dr for every little thing, but do if my kid gets something weird or if it's not better in a day or two - depending on the situation.And yes, kids get bruised! My daughter started walking at 9 months and has had many bruises in the 5 months since then. Sounds like your hubby's friend needs to feel superior to someone. He needs to feel like he is the better parent. I think I would decline any more gatherings with that family - you don't need to be lectured on your parenting style.If the child is happy and healthy and well adjusted then you are doing your job!!!

sometimes the best way is to let them fight sickness for a day or two or longer if they are getting better. thats half the problem with e.r.'s anymore, they bring thier kids even with a simple scratch. as mentioned in other posts, they will fall, they will get dirty, and trying to keep a kid in clothes in the house, especially a little girl, good luck with that,lol. dont worry about it, this world is so protective anymore , my husband is gets upset and protective of falls and things like that, and i tell him , he might as well wrap everything bubble wrap too, lol. i tell him trust mothers intuiton.

I do the same thing. I make sure where and what my kids hit. Then if its not serious then I do the same. I cringe while looking away. They they are fine. And yes, they will have bruising, especially since they start walking. But there is certain bruises that are caused by their own and some bruises that are physical. So don't stress if your child gets bruised on their own. Maybe they are the ones that are doing something wrong. hmmm

It sounds to me like his man who is making stupid comments about your parenting style is actually uninformed and ignorant himself.

For example, some people who are too stupid to know any better will rush off to the doctor at the first sign of a cough. Those of us with a brain choose to educate ourselves about when medical intervention is required and understand that it is best to let the child's immune system do its job to a degree.

Every thing you said about him just reminds me of some people I know who just have NO IDEA but are too dumb to realise it!

I my self thing that its a mans problem they want to dictate to you dont take any notice I would take the kids along to the welfare have them checked over but tell the nurse your problem first ab\nd see what she thinks Once your husband knowsa you have had a talk to the welfare about it he may stop . I think its all about control Tell the nurse what they are doing to you and ask them what can you do about it Lil

really??? and you are still friends with this guy? Go to DHR yourself.... take to some one, explain the situation and get a letter from them saying that there is nothing wrong with the way you are doing things. then give it to him and tell him to shove it up his ass!

I'd say he needs counselling! Majorly an irrational fear. The funny thing is you sound like me and your friend sounds like my mom! my mom was horrified that i didn't hover around my son when he was learning to crawl and walk. She was even more horrified that I allowed him to crawl all over the floor of the palliative care wing of the hospital, yet the nurses had no problem with it. They loved him! The funny thing was my mom worked for the Local Ministry of children and family development(CPS or DHR where you guys are.) She took me to the doctor over every little thing, freaked out if i had so much as a bruise. I got sick alllllll the time cause our house was so clean. i swear if there was a tiny little speck of dirt on the floor she'd sweep and mop the whole thing. My son's 19 months. he's had scraped and bruises galore, gave himself a black eye, had blood gushing out of his mouth and had the flu with me. He's never been to a doctor. When he When he tell you DHR is going to come for you, i'd say let them come! And try to spend as much time out of his way as you can. Also, if you want to spend time with your friend why don't you invite them to the park or something? Your friend would probably welcome getting out of the house and you can more easily ignore his remarks about your parenting.

I do understand why he is worried, but he should go as far as to tell me how to raise mine. I dont give a shit what he does with his kids, or his house, but he needs to lay off of us. I dont even care if he is just concerned about us, he is non stop telling us dhr is coming for us. he seriously needs mental help he is so litterally crazy about. everything i do he follows with "DHR is gonna got you for that." He didnt take his kids to school last friday because he couldnt fix their hair and was scared dhr would be called cuz their hair wasnt fixed.

Now my opinion changes when you actually tell the whole story. I can see exactly where he is coming from and why he is so afraid. FYI DHS depending on the person can see dirty dishes and stuff on the floor and deem it a dirty environment and take your kids especially if there has been a previous history. They will forever have to dot there eyes and cross there T's and be terrified that DHS will come back. This guy will forever have to be so cautious and what he is saying is understandable. He must live in fear daily due to this experience. It hasn't happened to me but I know others it has happened too. You need to see and understand what they have been through as to why he acts the way he acts now. He has too!!

From you post, I've read nothing unreasonable on your part... Some people can't accept that not everyone will parent the way they do... Let him mouth off as much as he wants. Just block it out and don't get upset. he might just be trying to get a reaction out of you...

One person's opinion is not the world's opinion. If you are comfortable with the way you parent and your children are safe, it's all that matters.

OHHHH!!! Ok that puts a bit different spin on it. He's been thru the DHS system and now he's paranoid. You're absolutely right, though. one piece of paper isn't going have them yanking your kids. And you CAN clean too much. How do we build our immunities? By being exposed to germs. If we're constantly covering ourselves in antibacterial stuff, then we're going to have more super bugs. I fully encourage my kids to get dirty! They're incredibly healthy too. Oh, and I know a lady who works with CPS here, she fully agrees with me. You hub's friend needs to CHILL

ok to all who has asked if they have had issues with DHR, yes they have. But it was with their 1st child. Who isnt biologically his. The real father killed himself a few years back and my husbands friend has raised her, and has since she was 1 because the father didnt see her all that much. But anyways, the story is the little girl at 3 years old made claims against her biological grandfather and when the grandparents could not see her anymore they fliped the story and said that the little girl made claims against my husbands friend. They got her taken away and the wife and their 2 other kids had to go live with a family member away from him for a while. But he goes as far as if crumbs gets in the floor, or if a peice of paper gets in the carpet he sweeps or vaccuums the whole room. I asked him one day why he was vacing over one peice of paper and he said "Its dirty, I dont want DHR bustin up in here and seeing it like this. They will take the kids" I told him "Do you realize that a house has to be absolute filth before they will even consider taking your kids, and after that they will just warn you to clean it and check later" He says "No that aint true, if dhr comes in and you got paper in the floor and kids, or if your carpet is dirty in just one room, they will take them" And thats when I told him "OK IF DHR WANTS ME TO KEEP MY HOUSE SPOTLESS THEN THEY CAN BE THE ONES TO COME CLEAN IT 24/7 CUZ I SURE THE HELL AINT DOIN WHAT YOU ARE DOING" He said "Ok you will see when dhr comes to your house" Their house is so spotless that it actually disgusts me. Some houses are to clean in my opinion. My little sisters daycare got shut down for a week because they cleaned way to much. The place stayed spotless and a little girl came to school with the hand foot and mouth des and it spread like wildfire because of the place being so clean. The health department actually told them to stop cleaning so much. So i dont buy into the BS that your house has to be spotless to keep dhr away. I hate to say it, but I dont do dishes till I get a sink full, it wastes water and detergent if i wash them before a sink full. I dont do laundry till I have atleast a full load, if not 3 or 4 loads. I dont clean up supper after we get done eating till bedtime in case we want more later. I dont clean anything till bedtime really. Sometimes my livingroom gets to where you cant see the floor cuz me and the kids will bring all the toy boxes out and dump them in the floor so that wwe can see what all there is. What fun is it digging them out of the box??? lol.

OMG..you are not horrible parents! We do the same thing. My son is a little over 2 and he is always covered in bruises, scratches, bumps....that is normal. Boys are constantly bouncing off of things, plowing into things, falling, etc. If a child has a fever, you have to try to treat them before calling the doc, for crying out loud. They do not have to go see the doc asap, just because they are not feeling well. It's called a cold, people! Try Tylenol and Motrin, first! I am totally with you on how you are raising your children. People tend to jump to conclusions very quickly now days. Give me a break. You are just teaching your kids that not everything has to be a big deal. They will not be whiny, clingy kids when things happen. They will learn to be a little more independent. You are great parents, and don't let anyone try to tell you different!

First of all, my son is 2 AND he bruises easily like I do.. The littlest thing can make him bruise! Now, if your kid had HUGE black and blue bruises that were obviously not from a fall, that would be different. But little bruises? Come on.. Kids always bump into things at that age!

The Dr. thing.. If it's a cough, I try to let it take it's course unless I can see that my son is miserable. Then I get cough syrup. If that doesn't help, then we take him to the doctor. If it's diarrhea and he hasn't changed his diet or anything, we take him to the doctor (we actually just did this last week). It turned out to be a 24-hour virus. By the same time the next day, he wasn't throwing up and didn't have any diarrhea at all. I think it's ridiculous that someone would tell you such a thing.

The clothes.. THEY'RE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE!!! Who cares if all they wear is a diaper! I've heard many people on CoM say that they let their kids run around naked in the house a lot of the time. That's unsanitary and worse than wearing just a diaper, IMO.

Kids fall.. If you make a huge deal out of it, so will they. If they don't make a peep and get right back up, they're obviously fine and not hurt in any way.

I don't know why people think you're horrible for that.. Honestly, people do a LOT WORSE and still don't have their kids taken away. Why doesn't your husband's friend focus on the kids that really DO need to be taken so they can have a better life instead of picking on you for something that isn't that serious??

Sounds like you are doing things great. Now your friends on the other hand? Um why are they so paranoid about DHR? Are they doing things they shouldn't or have they had negative experiences with DHR in the past? Or were they abused? I'd be interested to know that. Because they are more than just alittle paranoid if they are afraid to send a 5 year old with a few bruises to school. Makes me wonder if they are hiding something or have some unresolved personal issues.

your not horrible. people have different parenting skills thats all. i always jumped when my son fell and he turned into a wimpy little queer noy (his words not mine) i was more relaxed with my daughter (2nd time round) and she would always fall and bump into things and get bruised and little silly cuts but she shrugged it off. you know if they are really hurt becuae you cant not hear the cries. bumped heads i always checked because they can be serious at times but again it depended on the severity of the bump. your friends are cautious thats all but he really shouldnt try to force his way on you or make you feel bad as for telling you you will have your kids taken away thats scare tactics to try get you to conform to things his way. have you considered the fact that he might know someone whose kids have been checked by the authorities and it has scared him into thinking and acting the way he does. dont let it bother you. if you know your kids are fine then leave it be and either tell him next time that its each to their own and you would apreciate him not forcing his opinion on parenting or just change the subject.

First of all, you're not horrible for any of those things. We do ALL of those things you listed. Sounds like someone (either you or your husband) needs to stand up to this guy and tell him to shut the hell up. Talking about calling on a parent is serious and should never be made a joke...especially when it's one of those "serious jokes".

Oh please! I can't stand parents who baby their children - I did the same things you do. Now I have 3 children who don't come whining to me about every little thing. I have friends who babied their children and God forbid they stub a toe - they cry and carry on, even at 12!

They sound pretty insecure about thier own parenting. Kids get bumps and bruises and colds. And when they grow up, they are careful not to bump things and have healthy immune systems. If you protect them too much, they don't know how to live. This man sounds like a one upper. Seriously, what will he do when his kids start deliberately getting bruises so they don't have to go to school? I know I faked sick as a kid... not that I got away with it, but I tried. What is he gonna do?

\my son is 15 months and has been walking since 10 running and climbing since 11 he falls every other second because he runs fast and thinks that toys in his way are nothing to stop for, he gets up laughs and does it again, runs into wall tried to scale cabinets, climb the furniture tries to stand on his head, he rarely ever cries and when he does we pick him up and and tell him its okay, we never make a big deal if we did he would bawl his eyes out, its all about our rection.....OBVIOUSLY if he was hurt we would tend to him but he is a boy and he likes to tumble and he needs to learn from his mistakes. My MIL loses her mind she wants to hol.d his hand and be there to catch him every second and it drives me nuts she has 4 kids, youd think by now she would understand how toddlers are. I dont think anything you are doing is wrong at all...... dont listen to these people and tell your husband that maybe you should stop spending time with them

I don't make a big deal out of it my kids get bumped or fall. They, as a result, are not big babies when they get hurt. They get up and go on with playing. And DHS can tell the difference between everyday bruises and bruses caused by abuse. My question is, why do you hand out with these people? Obviously they aren't realy your friends if every time you get together they belittle your parenting. It sounds like they're very over protective and jealous that you guys can be more relaxed with your children. As long as you know you're not neglecting your kids, then don't worry about what others think.

My husband is the type to not pay attention to people. He dont say anything back to him when he starts saying things cuz he says if he dont say anything back then he will shut up. And if I want to keep his wife as a friend I have to tolerate him because he NEVER leaves his house and thats the only place I can see her. because of her work schedual.

First of all your "friend" is VERY ignorant. It takes a lot more than what you have described for DHR to step in and remove a child from the home. First it has to be a truly unsafe environment. Second, if for any reason they did get called out and they did find that there was reason for concern they would put you on a case plan and assign a guardian ad litem to be an advocate for the children. This person would come out and spend time with the kids on a regualr basis then speak on the children's behalf based on their findings. Third, they would only remove the children if you weren't working your case plan. I seriously don't think you have anything to worry about with having your children removed. I think your main concern right now should be to find some better friends. Or stand up to him. Tell him that everyone has different parenting styles and that he needs to keep his opinions to himself. And if it continues just don't go back over there.

Ah, I see, he's one of those people who live in the glass houses and tell everyone else what they're doing wrong.... Yeah, honestly, I'd tell the hub he's welcome to go hang out with this loser but you and the kids are going to save yourself some stress and judgements by staying HOME.

their kids sleep till 4 in the afternoon and stay up all night. which would be fine if that was their work schedual and they done it that way so they could still spend time with their kids, but he is a stay at home dad and just sits up and plays the xbox all night while the kids play in their rooms. When he works and the mom satys home the kids are up by 9 and out playing all day and are in bed by 11. but she works 3 pm to 3 am and still gets up gets the oldest 2 on the bus and takes care of the younger 2 till its time to go to work again. She maybe gets 2 to 3 hours of sleep per day and he dont do anything. yet he has the nerve to tell me I am lazy when i get sleepy around midnight. We dont go over there much but each time we do, i get mad.

He is the reason why they are thinking about changing the health care system in Canada. SO many people going to the doctors for the smallest cough and the tiniest cut. They are now thinking about making people pay for those stupid little trips to the doctor because it is wasting so much money! People like that seriously need to know that living life includes at least a few bumps and scrapes. There are some things the doctors just can't deal with. Like why take a child to the doctor over a broken pinky toe, when they can't do anything about it anyways because of where it is positioned and how small it is. It will heal and the kid will get over it. Life is life. GGAAAHHH!!

Seriously, next time he gets on you about your parenting, tell him where to get off. I would. I have. I laugh at my kids when they face plant (barring blood and screaming of course). I'm assuming his kids also NEVER get to play in dirt.

His friend really got angry when my son was 11 months old. He was learning to walk and fell and hit his head on the leg of the table hard. I picked him up and he had a knot coming up on his head. So it made me not worry. It was buldging out, not sinking in, so no need to rush to the er. I kept a watch on him, and he only cried for like 30 sec. So no big deal to me. His friend told us we were crazy for not taking him. Now dont get me wrong, it looked horrible. and any unexperianced parent would have taken him to the dr at least the next day. but this may have been my first child but not the first i have raised on my own. So the knot went away but there was a dent so at his next check up i pointed it out. The dr laughed and said "Oooo, he hit it good didnt he." then followed with an "Its obvious he cracked his skull" I said "Well i didnt take him to the er he seemed fine" She followed with, "They wouldnt have done anything anyways. If he was fine then they would have just gave him some pain meds and sent you home." and about the time she said that he fell and smacked his head on the concrete wall and she laughed and said "See, he may do it again" But his friend was just horrified that my son had a huge knot on his head and hadnt went to the dr

As far as I can tell you guys aren't doing anything wrong at all. Which means that your husbands friend is just being a jerk. Kids learn from making mistakes, falling down, getting hurt. It's just the way life is. I mean yah if they kids falls down and is gushing blood out of his head obviously you need to take care of them, but if its just a little bump and they can shake it off and go about having fun there is definently no point in making a big deal out of it.

I did everything you do, I ONCE had child services called on me (by a psycho neighbor who thinks my kids are to loud) they came out, I let them talk to the kids and they left mumbling about crazy ass old people making their jobs harder. hahaha!!!

Apparently my neighbor called before and got nothing, so she escalated things, that the kids were screaming because I was hitting them, versus them screaming because my 3 and another five kids were in the yard playing god knows what.

Stop visiting the friend. he sounds like a whiner and a downer. Its definitely not bringing you any joy to be around him.