New Tattooed Resident May As Well Start Killing People

Greg Robinson, new to LaCucaracha via Austin, has tattoos covering over 60% of his body. As anyone who has moved to LaCucaracha can attest, being new is enough to make you the talk of the town for months – even years – but if you also happen to be different in any way (not being white, for example), well, you better have industrial-thickened skin.

The rumors about Robinson started as soon as he set foot in town. Gossip spread faster than a greased pig on Ben Johnson’s 1988 steroids that Robinson was a serial killer and it was only a matter of time before he killed again. A recent poll, verified by Nate Silver, showed that 99% of respondents believed Robinson to be a mass murderer (the only dissenting respondent was, in fact, blind and could not see Robinson’s damning tattoos).

Robinson verified that not one person in town has looked him in the eye since he arrived. This includes dealings with real estate agents, bankers, grocery store clerks, restaurant staff, gas station attendants, law enforcement, neighbors, drug dealers and prostitutes (editor’s note: we cannot verify those last two, but it stands to reason that a person with that many tattoos certainly goes to crack and whore houses). It’s gotten so bad that Robinson has admitted to thinking about killing people just to live up to his reputation. “I may as well, right?” said Robinson.