I had a very difficult weekend. The past weeks have been difficult, death of mother, visiting the place of abuse. I thought I was doing ok, but in the end the emotions and past caught me. Around noon on Saturday I awoke in a hospital, why or where I was I did not know. I awoke to a nightmare of the abuse and was told I was scratching my arms. Eventually I learned when and how I came to the hospital in DC, 40 miles from where I live. I arrived at 6 am on Saturday. The last thing I remembered was at least 20 hours earlier, Friday afternoon. The nurses and doctors told me what I had said, and what led me to the hospital. I am thankful for being led to the hospital. They had gone through my pockets and found items that told them where I had been that evening-some not so safe areas and others safe but still dangerous walking around in the night. I spent the night roaming the subway and walking the streets. I am thankful the hospital staff were able to tell me what happen, the first time that I can remember that anyone was able to tell me what really happened when I was in fugue.

I was evaluated by neurology and psych for until mid afternoon on Sunday. I learned the episode was a dissociative fugue--a term my therapist and doctor have previously used to describe my prior experiences. It has happened many times before but never leaving me in a hospital. In fugue I do not know me or the past and when I come out I do not know what happens in fugue. It is very scary. I have been working hard to try to put this behind. The psych at the hospital recommend additional treatments and therapy to address the PTSD, dissociative fugue and unresolved trauma.

But I am resolved to get over this, but I now truly understand there are many starts and stops in healing. I also learned while in the hospital that those who truly love you will be there and others may never understand love, compassion and what a child abused sexually lives with each day and without having compassion or understanding for a child versus their adult views they may never truly love and give unconditionally. I hope this observation is wrong. So I learned a lesson in humanity and know I will go forward and one day fill my life with what I deserve.

I am meeting with my therapist and psychiatrist this week to discuss future treatment and address the unresolved trauma, which seems to be deeper than I ever imagined. I knew I had PTSD and fugue but thought the fix would be easier than it has been. but it is a lesson, CSA wounds far deeper than anyone can truly imagine.

Thank you for your support. Met with my psychiatrist today. We talked for sometime. She believes, like the psychiatrists in the hospital, the events of the past month played a major part in the setback. Stress, abuse, emotional turmoil,verbal attacks, etc all play a role in how the mind reacts. We also talked about the comments that have been thrown my way, psychiatrist says CSA does not affect how an adult acts, that it is not PTSD. She like the psychiatrists in the hospital, reassured me PTSD, fugue can result from unresolved trauma as well as triggers that brings the abuse to the forefront. CSA is a trauma. They all told me, either the psychiatrist is not competent in trauma and CSA or not all facts were presented to the psychiatrist about the CSA and causes of the triggers. I need this to reassure me that I am not going crazy or have been crazy my whole life because of lost time.

We also talked about exploring new therapies--EMDR or other Cognitive Therapies. I will speak with my therapist tomorrow. And after that with the specialist recommended by the hospital psychiatrist.

On one level it is disheartening--to work so hard and have a setback is difficult. One the other hand, at least I know the trauma is not yet resolved and I have more work to do in order to get the life I deserve. I guess I underestimated the effects of visiting the place of the abuse. However,I am glad I did because it brought together so many memories that were scattered as well as the visual of what happened over and over. Now maybe, if I accept them I will no longer harbor buried memories that eat at my core. Thank you for listening

you have been through a major ordeal. losing a mother - or any close family member is difficult enough - without all the other issues you had to deal with. you got through the things you had to do heroically.

and then the backlash came - or the after-shock - or the let-down. i have never experienced fugues like you described - but i know that every time i have a big breakthrough, there is a big reaction right around the corner. it is not at all unusual. it's like you use up all your resistance or adrenaline or whatever on the crisis - and then have no reserves to maintain the status quo.

so - dont feel bad about it. be kind and gentle with yourself. take your time and keep your expectations on hold until you can recover. you have come so far that i am sure that this is only a temporary setback.

Lee

_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

Thank you. I guess I was feeling good having made it through the visit to the place of the abuse and funeral in the same church. I have met with psychiatrists at GW Hospital from my unexpected stay, my own psychiatrist and therapist I realize there is unresolved trauma. I also learned from my T today from his reading of the hospital reports he noted certain phrases I use over and over to describe the onset of triggers were contained in the report. We talked about one specific, "you ungrateful son", words spoken by my abuser. He has noted I believe I was unworthy of the love of my parents. Now that they are both gone, it caused me to cry because I can never know. My T told me, what your mother did through some miraculous way for you showed you were not ungrateful but loved. It is hard to believe because the perp's words seem to control me. I have a way to go.

After being to the place of abuse, my memories are more movies than clips. It is so real and maybe this is the beginning of a new phase of healing. I don't know but hope it will hit I want to be well and not deal with fugue, dissociation or anything that takes me away. My T believes there is unresolved issues between what I call me and the child. He believes the child who believed he was loved by the perp takes over during fugue and takes me to places looking for him or someone like him. From the last fugue I know, at least from what was said during fugue and other things found by the hospital staff that I just wandered, alone and sought help. My T thought this may be a break through looking but hesitant and not wanting to find because this part may now realize the abuser did not love him.

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