Weekly recap 2/13 – 19 (and ramblings)

I had a third consecutive solid week, and ran 100+ miles for a third consecutive week, a first for me. I’m not going to dwell on that, it’s just a byproduct of the fact that I’m being consistent, I’m healthy, and I’m trying to get a good amount of time on my feet in preparation for all the long races I have this year.

For those following along, obviously this is yet a new new Monday – Sunday high in terms of both mileage and time. However, going from last Sunday through Saturday’s long run, I logged 148 miles and a little over an extra hour. Like I said above, the specifics and personal bests and all that are nice but ultimately not as important as the net result, which is hopefully that I’m going to be in good shape to run 100 miles in six weeks and some 12 and 24 hour races later in the year. More generally, I feel like if I CAN handle the mileage without breaking down, the MORE I run, the better it will be because I’m certain I haven’t maxed out my aerobic capacity. With six weeks to go before Umstead, I’m finally starting to feel like maybe I WILL be ready. I spent a lot of time running loops of the Duke XC course, mostly out of convenience as it’s across the street from where I work. But also because the surface is soft and it’s fairly hilly compared to other runs I could do which keeps the speed in check and (I hope) will make me stronger. Plus it’s a good mental toughness workout to just run loop after loop when I could bail every 25 or so minutes.

Saturday’s long run went so much better than I had expected. I intentionally did my weekly squats and other random leg lifting workout Friday afternoon and while I didn’t go as hard as other weeks, I went hard enough to leave my legs feeling pretty heavy Saturday morning. I wanted to start the run with tired-ish legs. And then somehow I cruised the first 14+ miles with Alicia feeling just fine, a little worried that we were going to fast and the last hour or two would turn into a death march. Never happened. I stayed on top of my fueling (tried out some Perpetuem and mostly Cliff shot blocks and Honey Stinger chews). I was almost metronomic as far as speed, each course loop within a minute of each other. And the last mile of the day was sub-8:00. I never hit a point where I started flagging or feeling significantly more tired. I also ran faster through 40 miles than I did in my 40 mile race last year (by 15 minutes). And I’d say the run I did Saturday was more difficult than the Triple Lakes race course. So… improvement? I guess.

Ramblings time! A lot went through my mind over the course of almost twenty hours of running last week. And of course as I sit here, I can’t remember most of it. I do know I hit a bit of a low point around Thursday/Friday. Mostly just semi-depressed about how ultimately futile doing what I’m doing is. Blah blah existential crises about how there really is no meaning behind what I’m doing and ultimately I’m going to die and is this really how I want to have spent the majority of my life? The answer I came up with is… better than the alternative. The alternative being get drunk far too often, eat far too much (or, basically as much as I’m eating now), sit on my ass and play video games, etc etc and then I’d be fat, miserable, unlovable, kind of a socially inept jerk, as opposed to now where I’m just a miserable, unlovable, kind of socially inept jerk with off the charts measures on virtually every possible test of cardiovascular fitness. I was drawn to ultrarunning in large part for the social aspect, the big camping, cookout party-type atmosphere I saw at Finger Lakes (which I’m very excited to return to again this year), and yet here I am, spending in inordinate amount of time alone still. And it’s still by choice. I’m sure any distance runner who’s spent any significant block of time training seriously for something has felt similarly. The fact is, most of the time, especially, when I AM running, I like the solitude. It’s more comfortable for me. Even when I was regularly going to Fullsteam runs, if the handful of people that I’ve gotten kind of friendly with werent there I’d find myself finishing the run, getting a beer, standing around awkwardly watching pretty much every other runner socializing away and wondering how it’s possible for me to be this disconnected from a group of people who should actually GET it. And then I’d leave and be mad at myself for spending the money on a beer when I had some at home in the fridge. I do a lot of things thinking, “this will be a good chance for me to get out of my comfort zone and do something social.” And I almost always end up getting home mad at myself for wasting the time and money. Which leads to me being less and less inclined to do so. Jeez, this got a bit depressing. And this is threatening to get pretty significantly unrelated to running and waaaaaay more personal than most people who read this blog really care so I’ll cut it there.

Fact is, I’m pretty content most of the time. Whenever I sit down to write, I’ve always found it easier to write about the negative stuff than the positive. I’m pretty uncomfortable with happiness, in general and specifically with discussing it, like if I do, I’ll ruin it or something. It’s why it’s so easy for me to look past any sort of accomplishment and focus on things I could do better next time. Which I suppose is a good trait to have if you want to keep improving, but I wonder if I’ll ever REALLY enjoy anything I do or accomplish. It’s why that Dogfish Head 120 minute bottle is still sitting in my fridge almost five years after I bought it and why the bottle of Bitches Brew I picked up in October will probably be there for at least a couple years too.

I had to go back a read some of your training stuff to realize that you are running 3 times a day sometimes. Wowzers. Your mileage is incredible, and then to write that you ran 44 miles in one session. That’s incredible.

As far as the social stuff and you being a “jerk”… I’m sure you are way harder on yourself than the group you are hanging with. They probably all think you are a nice, social guy.

As far as the pity party, we’ve all been there. Sometimes you just have to cut yourself off from those negative thoughts. During my divorce and for awhile after, I would literally cry on runs and just wonder over and over, “why has this happened to me, why doesn’t anyone love me, blah, blah, blah.” It took some intervention from friends, but eventually, I just had to say NO MORE to negative thoughts about myself. We truly are our own worst critics.

Yeah, Tuesdays particularly have been weird because I would get a little 45 minute break between the end of school and then I’d have to go coach til usually 7 or 8. Instead of trying to get a longish run in and end up being done and exhausted and starving I figured a short run in the morning, then in the afternoon, and another in the evening made more sense.

We definitely are our own worst critics. It’s something that carries over to more than just running for me. Constant work in progress sorta thing.

Good, I’m glad there’s nothing wrong with that, otherwise there’d be A LOT wrong with me (a lot more than there already is at least)