Do you long to experience the carnal pleasures of central Long Island, but find yourself unable to make the trip due to scheduling commitments or fear?

Now you can pay for Long Island to come to you, provided you cover the costs of lodging, travel, food, gifts, and incidentals—and there will be lots of incidentals because Long Island is coming in the form of a unstable crazy person: Star magazine reports that Lindsay Lohan is currently earning a little side money as a "high class escort."

But before you sign up for a night with Cinnamon Champagne let's get one thing straight: You're paying for everything because you enjoy spending time with her, alright? She's not no hooker. Her goodies stay in the jar.

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According to Star, Lindsay's father, the always unpredictable Michael Lohan, claims that the actress is "getting paid to date rich men."

"Dina is pimping her out – it's disgusting!"

Since the story came out, TMZ has published flabbergasted statements from Michael Lohan, saying that he never said Lindsay was paid for sex. But the Star story doesn't say that Lindsay was paid for sex. Everybody knows, Cinnamon Champagne don't do no sex. Only handholds.

According to the magazine, Spanish-born artist Domingo Zapata recently treated Lohan to extended stays at his penthouses in Manhattan's Bowery Hotel and Los Angeles' Chateau Marmont—two expensive haunts she is known to frequent. But Lohan might as well have been wearing her Sunday school shoes for all the freak-nasty sex that went down; she's (allegedly) a "high-class" escort, meaning she only has sex with men who do not pay her.