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I know I haven't been on in a while. I just felt like the lack of feedback made it not worth it to be writing on here all the time. I was just reading this response and I thought I would provide an update. As I have accepted my womanhood, I have become much more attracted to men. The more I understand that I am a woman, the more I want to be with a man. I can't really explain it any more than that. He will have to be super hot, though!

If you aren't Catholic, or even if you are, why do you care what the Pope says? Can you still live your life the way that you want? Do I need his and his followers' acceptance? I can't think of any crimes against humanity that they have committed while I have been alive. Does the Catholic Church have an Army or something? Do they have large groups of radicals who go and kill in the name of God, like what is done in Islam? How come people aren't protesting outside of mosque's, or whenever a woman is put to death in a Muslim country. Yet, we make Christians out to be these evil people. Why?...because of marriage??? I personally think that marriage should be left up to Church and the government should get the heck out of the way. Being able to marry doesn't define me and it doesn't make me who I am. It does nothing for me. If two religious people see marriage as a covenant and they want to get married, then great...go do it. People don't want to hear it, but our society is rooted in Christianity...that's why we have the values that we have....unlike people from Muslim countries because they grow up with a completely different belief system. I think we ought to applaud Christianity for helping create such a free society. There will NEVER be a perfect society no matter what the politicians tell you....and if you are looking for the government to make it a perfect society, you are just putting all of our liberties at risk. That's just me...

Thanks! I was kind of wondering how hormones might affect things. I am not worried about it, but I am constantly trying to figure things out. For right now, I am a huge lesbian...I like women more than I ever did. It's like I have a new found appreciation because of all that I am going through. I will admit that when I watch a scene between a man and woman, I completely identify with the woman and I see her as myself, whether sexual or not.

I am so tired I can't even get my thoughts together to blog today, so this might be pretty short.. Anyways, check out the funny picture I attached to this blog entry...terrible grammar, but you get the idea.
I tried listening to that hypno stuff last night. It's OK at some parts, but most of it is just so dumb. It has to be just a gimmick, but there is so much out there on the forums and blogs about it, so I thought it had some merit. I laugh when they say something like, "You are a woman." I am like, "Yeah, no kidding, and..." I am not wasting my time anymore....it was entertaining, though.
I have to say that the transgendered lifestyle is way too over-sexualized. It really isn't a sexual thing for me, but rather me just trying to be who I am. There is just so much garbage out there that brings you down and makes you feel like a freak or something. There is a part for sexuality, but we can't allow ourselves to be defined that way. That's just me....
For the past week, I have been totally out of touch with the news, which from what I hear has been a good thing because of all the media coverage of the shooting in CT. It's sad but those things are going to keep happening until we change our culture....and that will never happen. I don't mean more gun control, because that won't do anything, especially when you think of how many guns are out there right now. My personal feeling is that we need to do more to encourage people to carry a weapon and possibly start training children on weapons at a younger age so that they have more of a respect for them. I know it sounds crazy but you are not going to get all the guns off of the street, so what do you do?
Is it 2013 yet??
Later everybody,
Amber

Today has been a long work day for me. Mainly because I had to yell at this guy who thinks his job is to harass me and others by pointing out every small detail we might have missed. Meanwhile, he screws up things on a huge level all the time and everyone just deals with it and doesn't say anything. Anyways, he got to hear about it from a real bitch today. He is just relentless with the ridicule and over the stupidest of things, "you left your computer unlocked today"...and it's like he is one of those people who thinks if he can just keep getting away with it, then he will keep an upper hand on you...not happening with this bitch!
The good part is I got to wear my brand new red panties, open-crotch I might add, to work today! Needless to say, that guy had my panties in a bunch. I don't care what he thinks about me, because I can tell he is just an insecure little man. I read something today that really made me laugh: "What other people think of you is none of your business!" Well said!
It's the little things like that which keep me sane and happy right now. I work so many hours that there isn't enough time to work out and I need to lose some waistline. I usually go running but I don't want to lose my hips and ass, only my waist...not sure how to do one without doing the other.
I don't have much else going on today. I just need to catch up on some sleep and get ready to do it all again tomorrow.
See ya,
Amber

I finally have a moment to blog! I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.
Anyways, I was unable to obtain the elusive Super-O. I worked on it for like two hours. I hope this isn't TMI for some of you but I bring it up because to me, it will be a huge step forward.
I reached out to a Transgendered support group and I was able to actually use my female voice today. It was exhilarating but a little tough at first. Anyways, I don't think this woman who runs the support group wants to deal with me. She has only returned one of my emails and when I called her she told me to call back in 45 minutes, but when I did, she didn't answer. I left a voice mail but she doesn't email or anything. I really just want to know what a professional might have to say about why my self-discovery happened the way that it did and as quick as it did. I just want to understand it but by no means am I trying to find an excuse to ignore it or get some therapy for it. I feel like I should have had therapy a long time ago to help me figure all of this out much sooner.
If people find me and my blog annoying, please just tell me so and I will go elsewhere. This is all very, very new to me and if I am talking about things I shouldn't, or if I am just not interesting, please let me know. I take the time to blog both for myself and the reader. I want the reader to be interested and I want others to know my story because they might find themselves in the same situation. I never saw this coming and blogging is one of my outlets and it helps me keep a journal of my transformation because it has been awesome and I never want to forget certain moments. I am still surprised at my self-discovery, but I am very proud of it! Anyways, if people aren't interested in listening to my pathetic drivel, then please let me know and I will go away.
I got an email from Facebook today, asking where someone had been because they hadn't signed in for a week. Well, that account now belongs to someone else. I have my very own account so I don't know what they are talking about. I thought it was funny because it really showed how that person just disappeared from my life.
So I went to dinner last night and I took the time to check out some of the women. The first things I notice when I look at women are (in rough order):
1. Her shoes
2. Her hair
3. Her clothes
4. Her makeup
5. Her shape
I didn't consider any of these women good looking so I didn't feel all envious, instead what really disappointed me was that they had potential and weren't using it. Here I am thinking, "I would kill to have what you have, because I could make that work a lot easier than going through what I will have to go through...and here you are wasting it." I am sorry if I seem a little judgmental, but when I see a girl who if she just did a little more with her hair, her makeup, the way she dresses, etc., she would be the stunner that she could be, and that I want to be. Anyways, you always take for granted that which you have grown accustomed to having...but I just feel like a girl should take every opportunity to show it all off...I know I will. However, more than just appearances, I feel that many of these women lack the class of a woman and don't come across as sensual beings. That's the worst part! I could go on and on about this, but not today.
I have started to settle down some. I realize that this isn't going to happen overnight but I am still impatient. I just do what I can with what I have. I am content with my inner being even though things don't match up on the outside the way I want them to. I was losing so much sleep because I was constantly working on myself. I think my body finally told me to slow down.
That's all for now!
xxx,
Amber

I love sharing all of my little "first time" moments with you guys. I just had to share this: I don't know what song was playing in the car at the time, but a guy was singing about his hot girl in a tight white shirt sitting next to him, and after it was done I realized that the whole time I felt like he was singing about me. I was like, "Wow!" Now every song about a hot girl is about me!...I love it! I am having soooo much fun!
I also started looking at my ass and hips in the mirror everytime the opportunity presents itself. I used to rush through my shower time, now I take all the time in the world and enjoy myself, then take even more time for lotions and moisturizers. Another huge first, was while in the shower looking down and feeling ashamed. I NEVER, I mean NEVER, thought that I would say that. I don't know where that came from. I didn't expect that at all because I didn't think I minded having something down there still. I don't think I will mind keeping it, but I was a little surprised by my own inner disgust. I have been sitting down to go to the bathroom every time, partly because I don't want to see it. I was in denial over my shame for a while...like, "I am not ashamed of having that, I have no reason to be ashamed of it." Well, I have now come to accept my shame and now its becoming tough to get hard...but I haven't minded a bit. I am really hoping I can reach my first Super-O tomorrow and never have to mess around with it again.
The most shocking thing is how fast this is all happening. It must be a world record or something. I must say that I have never felt so great inside before in my entire life. I have to say that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I will admit, that when I realize these sorts of things and I get all giddy, there is this little voice that comes along and asks, "What if I have to go back to your former self?" That's sooo out of the question. I can't turn this off! I can't make this go away! I can't just stop being me! I know who I really am now...no doubt! In fact I am so pissed off that I couldn't have found myself much, much sooner!
I know what would make that damn voice go away...some DD implants! LOL! Also, if I get trapped into coming out because some people at work catch onto something, its totally over...I'll be at work the next day with a blouse, skirt, and heels...I might even have to go home early and come right back to work.
I am already working on making my breast size bigger (which means, >0). I am going to start off with some breast forms at a certain size, and then when I feel I am comfortable at that size, I'll get that size sewn on....that's at least a couple of years down the road though...but it sure is fun to think about now! The lady from the breast form store said to watch out with going with D's, and to be really careful about going DD or higher because I would draw too much attention.
She didn't scare me from the DD's but it really isn't about drawing attention or any of that. I just want to be comfortable in my body. I think D or DD should do the trick, but if it ends up being B or C, then so be it. I need to carry around some D's for a while to see how I handle them...I don't think there will be a problem!
The biggest thing bothering me right now is my voice at work. I have to play the part for now but I can't stand it! I noticed that I am talking with my hands a lot more, which I do like. My voice is a little softer now, but its nowhere near where it should be. I will be working on it, though!
I know I am jumping the gun by already planning for those sorts of things now. There is just so much to do. I would love to do without the hormones, but if I decide to do it, it won't be for a while. I don't know what to prioritize in this transformation. I am trying to do it all at one time. I am not sleeping enough because there are so many things to do and learn. I just can't wait until it all comes together. I know its going to take years but that's OK. I am just hoping that the rest of the journey will be this fun. I know its going to have it's good times and it's bad times, but at least for now I can say that I know who I truly am and I could never be anyone else, and I have never felt better.
xxx,
Amber

I spent all of yesterday just studying makeup techniques and looking at clothes. I have so much to learn that I don't even know where to start. I just keep going with whatever feels right at the moment. I bought a ton of stuff from beauty.com yesterday...lotions, hope in a jar, body wax, etc.. I have already spent $500 this week on clothes and beauty supplies. And there is so much more to get...
I watched a video by Princess Joules on her makeup collection...oh my gosh, would I love to have all that. She must have $20,000+ of stuff. You can check out her video here...she is so pretty!
So yesterday, when I got into the shower, I noticed I was naturally just cupping my breasts. Then when I got out of the shower, I was holding a towel to my breasts (like when you see a woman get out of the shower do...I had never thought about this until I caught myself) and it took me a bit to realize that all of these things were just coming so naturally...I am so happy!
I also read about people using hypno videos to help them with their transition. So I tried it! I quickly found out that there are two types of feminine hypno out there: 1. either the hypno that makes you focus on your feminine qualities OR 2. getting you mentally prepared to perform sexual acts on men. I am really not interested in getting mentally ready for sex with men. I am just focused on my own being and I don't need sex with anyone right now. I will admit I did kind of enjoy the sexual hypno videos/mp3's, but it was really a distraction from improving myself. Although I consider myself a woman, I don't have an attraction to men. I don't think that its required to be a woman. That doesn't mean things can't change or I wouldn't consider it, the attraction just isn't there right now. I don't know if that is something that usually changes as you transition, but I would like to hear other's thoughts and experiences on that subject.
On Friday, when I get off of work, I will be trying to accomplish something I once set out to do, but couldn't....having what they call a Super-O. I have an aneros that is supposed to stimulate your g-spot until you orgasm without even touching yourself. I tried it once because I was just kind of curious if it was true or not, but I had no luck. I really want to be able to have my first female orgasm...let's hope it happens tomorrow! I keep hearing that its possible and I even saw a video of a person convulsing in pleasure...please let that be me. I guess once you figure it out how to make it happen, its much easier everytime after that....its the first one that is tough.
Anyways, I hope everyone is doing great. Stay safe and take care!
Until next time,
Amber

I don't dream but I wish I had dreams of being treated like a woman. In fact, I may have, but I think I would really remember something like that. I am definitely going to start referring to my former self in the 3rd person...I like that idea!

I definitely can't relate to all your family issues but I am startng to be able to relate to what you are going through. I didn't keep it "locked away" like you did....I didn't even know, until it just hit me all of a sudden a few days ago. I can't get away with any of what you are able to at work....maybe some panties, but we'll see once they get delivered soon! I am really looking forward to no longer wearing male underwear! i have never worn anything feminine, no panties, skirts, heels, nothing! But when I started putting on my clothes for work today, I was completely disgusted. It felt like I was lying to myself. That was the first time I had felt like that...or at least the first time I noticed it.
Sorry that i can't be of more help...
Amber

OK, so I didn't mention that when this all started a few days ago, my eating habits immediately changed with absolutely no conscious effort of my own. I didn't eat at all the first day or two, and the meals I ate were very light and I just automatically ate how a woman would eat...I swear, as hungry as I was, I went straight for the Strawberry Romaine salad! I do need to work on my figure but I am not intentionally trying to deprive myself....it's just happening on its own!
Today when I woke up to go to work, I felt totally strange putting on men's clothes and men's shoes. I put it all on in disgust. I felt like, "This is not who I am...I am just pretending to be a man." What the heck? Where did this all come from? I still haven't even worn a pair of heels!....oh, but I can't wait to get my first pair.
I am trying to go about this one step at a time but its all hitting me at once. I want to change everything but there's just no time to do it all in one day.
So here I am at work, my voice is softer, my mannerisms are different, and the way I hold my self and my non-verbal expressions, are all different now. No one has said anything, but I wonder if people will be talking.
Anyways, I like the fact that all of these feelings have just come so naturally. I know I am headed on the path to being my true self, it's just going to take a lot of time and effort.
Somehow, with all of this, I feel much more confident and comfortable because I am being true to myself.
I did a lot of web surfing before work. I went on youtube and was trying to find advice on makeup, hairstyles, voice control, and mannerisms. I found Princess Joules...she is amazing! There is so much to learn from her just by listening to her and watching her, despite the great advice she gives. I only got to see a couple of her videos but she has a ton of them on youtube. I will be studying her diligently. I also found a really cool transgender starter kit at suddenlyfem.com, which I plan on getting really soon!
I was hoping to get some feedback from my first blog entry, but I was sad to find out that I didn't. I would love to hear from some of you!
Later,
Amber

I found this site at just the right time! I have started a blog and I hope you enjoy it. I am just starting out on my transformation, so I need lots of advice and support, and hopefully you will find my blog as a source of support, as well.
AmberG.