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What if it were socially acceptable to avoid uncomfortable discussions? What if there were a variety of “allowable” ways of handling the situation–everything from skirting around the issue with misinformation to saying that you still don't have the information or even completely ignore responding. If there was a way to signal someone that you had news they’re not going to like think of how harmonious it would if you could avoid any confrontation.

Well, welcome to South Korea. In South Korea, “kibun” is the term for this blend of mood, face-saving, and social harmony, and “nunchi” is the essential ability to read whatever is left unsaid. Like other Asian cultures, Koreans are influenced by Confucian values that encourage harmony at the risk of not sharing information. But should the pressure to “confront” persist, Koreans no longer avoid the discussion, but will say something they think the other person wants to hear. In this case it could be a long forgotten development schedule that the Koreans hope everyone recognizes is no longer possible, or a schedule that merely reflects a recent management request.

Carol: Another country where social harmony is prized is Japan. I’ve even heard that “yes” doesn’t necessarily mean “yes.” Is that true?

Stuart: Well, yes. Maintaining social harmony (“wa”) is so ingrained in the Japanese culture, that the Japanese go to great lengths to use indirect language that allows everyone involved to save-face and avoid direct verbal confrontation. They value diplomacy over literal truth.

“The last time we met in Tokyo they told us it would be difficult, but they didn't say no. So we went through the entire proposal again, addressed every concern, and gave some additional concessions. They thanked us, said they were pleased with what we gave them, and they would let us know. So how could we have lost the deal? Why did they lead us on like that? What a waste of time.”

When the Japanese need to reply in the negative–whether it’s to refuse, decline, disagree, or just say ‘no’–it is fraught with subtlety and nuance. Fortunately (actually, more like intentionally, and by design), the Japanese have a small arsenal of non-verbal cues they can use. For example, someone tilts their head while sucking air in between their teeth. This is their way of signaling that they have something difficult they want you to know, but they can’t come right out and say it. And no matter what they say next, it’s not what they really mean. It’s worse. It might even mean ‘no’. In short, what seemed like a very straightforward comment is anything but, and gets completely misconstrued. Oblivious to these cues, the American remains optimistic and has no idea the business has been lost. Eventually he finds out the truth and feels betrayed.

Indeed, the Japanese have made subtext, verbal insinuation, and non-verbal cues into an art form. Even the most innocuous phrases, such as, “We understand your position, and will give it further consideration”, “We will discuss with our director, and then let you know” or “I am so sorry, but he is not available and has asked to reschedule” can be very deceiving to the uninitiated.

Carol: In the U.S. we believe our business dealings are direct and candid. But we don’t always look that way to others. Could you give me an example of where that might happen?

Stuart: Sure. Finland is a country where there is a very tight correlation between words spoken, and the absolute truth. Integrity and credibility are built from always living up to one’s words, so there is a high value on communication without spin, exaggeration or oversimplification.

“Although it was only our first meeting with them, it was clear we had the expertise they needed for the project. All was going great until they asked if we had concerns about meeting their schedule. That’s when our product manager from Finland, Jukka, said we didn't have enough resources to start the project anytime soon. He said he would check further and get back to them, but he wasn’t optimistic. And if he’s not optimistic, how can we expect our customer to be? I tried to explain to Jukka afterwards that you can’t be so brutally honest and expect them to feel good when the news improves. But Jukka says that makes no sense to him, and that he would never lie to the customer to get the business.

The U.S. and Finland both lean heavily towards the truth and directness, but what constitutes truth and directness varies greatly across cultures. Whereas Americans are comfortable taking liberty with the truth when it comes to marketing, selling and getting the business, to a Finn it can sound like lies. You see, the Finns believe that their words are their commitments. They establish their credibility by understating their abilities, and delivering what they promise. Period.

As Stuart’s examples illustrate, it is easy for people with the best of intentions to still be misunderstood -- and even branded as liars. When we don’t know a person’s beliefs, values and biases, how can we be certain that what we heard was what they meant? However, one thing is certain; the more we understand how culture influences behavior in business dealings, the less inclined we are to assume we’re being deceived.