At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we get to observe whether someone with psychosis and neurosis could amount to something. This was a question to be answered till the end of my time. Except for now, a few stenosis and hernia as well as months of diminished mobility and debilitating pain after, the question has turned to be... Could someone with such characteristics amount to anything and go anywhere?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Facing limits

If there is anything difficult to face oneself... I guess facing one's own limits might have something to do with it.

So, I went to work again today.

Not much happening....

Easy task...

In between, I had to meet a professor of mine for a 2:30 appointment.

I took off 2:00 o'clock and got back at 2:58 or so.

Sort of beated my own estimation of getting back by 3:00.

Then, I was dead tired from the trip that round trip used to take me less than 15 minutes.

Yet, today, I have to-- what would you say, scale forward, for the perceivable inevitability.

It often amazes me to death how accurate my own estimations are.... to the extent that I could not help but start wondering whether such manifestations are self-fulfilling prophecies--- which would link all closer to the concept of psychosomatization.

I actually hate to be right.

Unfortunately, I am sometimes right.

I don't know what it would be like for you...

For me, it is another slap in the face when I got back to work, not much too do, while could not refrain myself from going back to the meditation mode to get myself regenerated from the exhaustion.

But, live has to go on, and, shall I be at work, I shall be working.... and I can't be meditating with my eyes closed in order to get my body back to the state of working...

So I thought...

This is why I knew I have to ease in...

Funny how I had thought of it... without even thinking... guess I might have read it somewhere else or so....

Regardless how much work is on my shoulder, the process of returning back to work is itself a process of adjustment.

There are things happening that are inevitable.

There are dealing with people who come from their everyday world.

When you have to simultaneously copying with the decreased level of strength your body has to face.

That would make you tired, frustrated and feel like a piece of shit.

It is psychosomatic for the higher level of stress itself inevitablely would result in the tightening of the muscles, which leads to the worsening of the pain and the spasms.

It could be conversion disorder shall you prefer to have it such labeled.

Yet, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter whether it is you are just not who you were anymore. It also doesn't matter whether it is the pathological kind of psychosomatization or not.

What matters is... you got through the day... however insignificant the day has been and whatever trivial tasks you have performed or not capable of performing.

You go through that day with pain, spasm, hernia, conversion disorder, and all other things in your mind while trying to keep yourself moving.

That is all that counts.

Because, another day has gone by, a few more steps you took and a few more contributions you made to get closer to get back to that preferable state of life.

And, those who have for you patiently wishing, still, there, betterness in your life to wish with their own constraints to face.

And, most important of all, you know, however you hate to be someone else's burton, you have now learned to put your pride away, and, accept the graceful gift granted by people who you love.