shopaholic.

February 13, 2010

“She got a Fendi fetish / She got a shopping problem
That girl’s a shopaholic / She only mess with ballers
She got a Gucci fetish / She got a Louis problem
She got a shopping problem / That girl’s a shopaholic”
— “Shopaholic”, Nicki Minaj f/ Gucci Mane.

Listening to the above song from Nicki Minaj’s stellar Beam Me Up Scotty mixtape, I can’t help but relate. I have never been very good at resisting shops, but today I went into Guess with Toby and promptly dropped £136 on a bag (it matches my wallet! And I’ve been keeping an eye out for a new bag) and a hoodie (it was in the sale, the last one and my size. Therefore, it was destiny and there was nothing I could do but fulfil it). Note that I have my excuses rationale ready 😉 I felt a little guilty because Toby has a little bit of cashflow difficulty, and I didn’t work last week when I went to get my new tattoo done (which cost £100 in itself!). I think I might have to take on some extra shifts at the hospital. I am not one to flash cash, especially when that cash comes largely from funding to do my course, and I am also spending a significant amount of money on getting my driving licence (wish me luck for my theory test on Tuesday morning!), which is a pretty necessary measure. I’ve never been rich. But sometimes the allure of beautiful designer things is just too much to resist.

I spoke in a recent entry about the fact that I wasn’t always like this. Designer names used to be something out of reach, irrelevant. I was younger, those were things that would come in time. Well, I’m not younger anymore; that time is now. Life is too short to be wanting forever; I don’t spend crazy amounts on irrelevant things, so why shouldn’t I treat myself? Generally, I am a shopaholic because I love spending money, be it on myself or on other people, and I’m just as happy to buy other people things because I find the look on their faces when they open a well-chosen gift something to treasure; that’s my favourite part of holidays like Christmas. But sometimes I feel a little guilty because perhaps I should be a little more responsible with money – you never know what is going to happen tomorrow. I should appreciate more the plight of people who might never be able to have even one beautiful thing in their life.

I think about my grandmother when I have crises of confidence like this. She’s actually quite wealthy, but she’s never been one to treat herself; she would much rather give everything she has to other people. She will be 77 years old next month, and in April it will be 2 years since my grandfather died. I love her to pieces, but it’s hard to get through to her the philosophy that she’s earned the right to spend a little on herself and treat herself to a nice little something every now and then. Hell, I’m 24 and I’m feeling that life is too short! But since she’s never bought herself designer things, precious jewellery, something special, preferring instead to shop at pound stores and discounters (even though their wares often fall apart in a matter of weeks, necessitating a repeat purchase and costing you more in the long run – I’m a believer that generally you get what you pay for, and if you don’t then you take it back and you take your money elsewhere). I wish that she would recognise that she is worth a little bit of luxury. I think that she is a good person; I think that I am at the heart of it a good person, and a good person doesn’t declare themselves all the time. But nor should a good person go totally unsung or unrecognised. That’s why I love to treat my friends, my family, those close to me – they are good people and they deserve a little luxury. The same goes for myself. And I wouldn’t spend it if I really couldn’t afford it, so why should I feel bad about it? The only thing I hate is to be spending like this around people who honestly can’t afford it, because the last thing I am is a snob. After all, this ability to buy something nice is fairly new to me – I wasn’t always like this, and I’ll never forget that there was a time (and there might be a time again soon – who knows?) when I couldn’t afford it myself. I know what it’s like to have to really budget, and I truly hope that nobody close to me thinks that I’m buying things just for the name. Shopping is about achieving the person I always aimed to be, about externally realising the man I am inside. I hope that nobody close to me ever thinks that I don’t appreciate what I have, or that I take for granted my current finances. Because I do, and I don’t (respectively). And as for what the rest of the world thinks, I couldn’t give a fuck.

I have found my own sense of style, and a look in which I feel comfortable. Unfortunately, that look is expensive 😛 (What do you expect? I have Italian blood 😉 ) Sometimes I have to ask Toby / Hannah / Nick / Davina / Deena / Karina to drag or steer me away from certain shops, because I know that I shouldn’t spend the money – it’s not necessary. But from time to time, I give in to the devil on my right shoulder and buy myself something nice because I want it, I need it, I earned it. Maybe I’m a little bit devilish, maybe I’m a shopaholic. But if so, that’s who I am and on the whole, I like it 😉