Monthly Archives: July 2014

Johnny looked at June and said you know I’d take you for life but right now I’d settle for 36 hours.

She asked what made 36 hours so special and he told her she was wasting time talking and that she needed to come sit on his lap.

“I can’t give you what you are asking for.”

He laughed and said, “you can’t do it today but tomorrow things might be different.”

“I am not that special. I am really not that great.”

She groaned when he agreed with her and then he told her she was a blind old fool.

“How is insulting me going to help you get what you want.”

He laughed again. “We ask stupid questions. Neither one of us is going to just walk away. It hasn’t happened yet and it is not going to happen.”

“You shouldn’t be so arrogant about this. Life has a way of fooling us.”

“Baby if I ever really went to play in traffic you’d be devastated. If you ever really believed you couldn’t be with me you’d be heartbroken. I am not arrogant. I am just telling you what I hear our hearts saying.”

She tried to ask him a few more questions and he refused to speak. When she told him that it hurt not to hear his voice he told her to close her eyes and hold his hand.

“No, as soon as I do that you are going to try and figure out how to get my pants off.”

He laughed again. “I don’t have to figure that out. You want to take them off but you won’t let yourself do it. Besides I am tired.”

She rolled her eyes at him.

He said I love you and I don’t care if you won’t say it now because I know what is happening.

“And what if you are wrong?”

He laughed, “well then I guess I am just a fool who was willing to take a chance….But I am not wrong.”

This time when he tried to kiss her she didn’t turn head. As he pressed his body up against hers she smiled “I think someone likes to be close to me.”

‘That might be true, or it might just be my phone you feel.”

She looked down and then quickly rubbed her hand against him. “I don’t think that is your phone.”

“I was going to say something about it being a microphone but that is really kind of dumb, now isn’t it.”

She nodded her head and said it was.

He whispered “give yourself to me” turned out the lights and closed the door.

Sometimes they would argue about what year they officially moved in together. If you asked her she would give you a specific year and if you asked him he would say it was 20 20 something.

And then he would wait for her to correct him and say it started in 2015.

Sometimes she would roll her eyes and shake her head at him and ask if he would ever stop aggravating her and then she would tell him that it wasn’t helping his cause.

He’d wink at whomever he was holding court for and say just loud enough for her to hear, ‘she is using code to say I am not going to get lucky tonight.’

And then just as she would be about to lay into him he would announce, “that is ok honey, I am going to turn you down. I need to sleep tonight.”

That was usually followed by explaining how she had an oral fetish that he could never satisfy or some variation thereof.

Those that had known her were always surprised by how she responded. Sometimes she would snap at him but it was never in a truly harsh manner. Every now and then some old friend would tell him they were shocked and he would say he had tamed her and sometimes tell them it was because he was the most amazing lover.

But the truth was his friends always said the same thing about her affect upon him. They talked about how they had never seen him happier or more devoted to anyone.

Some of her girl friends asked her if he was being honest in his description of their love life and she laughed and said, “yeah.”

“But aren’t you tired of that? Aren’t you bored and over taking care of men?”

She smiled and told them that it was easy to make him happy and that made her happy.

One night her oldest daughter asked her to give her more details about what made them so happy. She said she sort of got it but felt like she needed to understand it better.

“You don’t want to know from it,” said her mother.

“Mom, I don’t want creepy details. I just want a basic overview.”

So she nodded her head and said, “he knows how to make me happy and I do the same for him. We don’t over analyze it. We don’t over think it. We just do it. When we are angry with each other we say so and when we are happy we say so.”

“But what does that mean?”

“It means that you can’t always explain how or why some people make you happy. They just do and when you find them you hold on to them.”

Several hours later she climbed into bed, lay down next to him and told him about the conversation.

He asked her how she felt and she said she felt good about it, but that she was a bit weirded out because I used your words.

He smiled, kissed her, said I love you and rolled over.

‘She tapped him on the shoulder, “what makes you think I am going to let you go to sleep now.”

He smiled “because you don’t get any tonight, unless you say please.”

She smiled back, “please?”

Damn, it only took 20 years but I finally got you to say it.

She rolled her eyes at him. “You really don’t let much go, now do you.”

“Nope,but I have let you think you were the boss for the last ten years or so.”

There are no coincidences because what you see, hear and do are part of something greater than us. It is tied into something larger that can be described as both mystical and magical.

Don’t ask me to explain this because I can’t tell you how or why. All I can say is that I know because I have experienced it. I have seen it. I have lived it. I have been there and that is all the proof that I can provide.

It won’t be enough for some of you. It won’t be the kind of thing that you can accept because you can’t buy, touch or taste it. Actually that is not true, you can but only if you open your mind and let your soul seek its match.

I know this because for the longest time I didn’t do it. I spent years not buying into it or believing that it could be real. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to because I did. I desperately wanted to believe that this thing was something tangible. Because I just knew that if I could feel it in my hands and see it with my eyes it would prove that there was something to this dream I had once lived.

You see I fell in love with a girl and I loved her fiercely. I loved her madly. I loved her passionately. I loved her in every way that the poets wrote of, spoke of and dreamed of.

I loved her with all of my heart and all of my soul. I loved her desperately and somewhere in that madness I lost her.

Some of you can’t feel what I am saying. These words have no meaning to you. They are figments of imagination that you can’t feel, see or taste. So they never grab you. Your heart, your eyes and your mind are closed to them.

I can’t fault or blame you because I used to be like you. I used to look at this sort of writing and roll my eyes because I didn’t know. I hadn’t seen. I hadn’t felt it.

But that was long ago. That was in the time before I became who I am now. That was before I understood that love is a drug that can make you soar to the highest heights and or drop your ass into a pit so dark and dank you can’t remember what it felt like to see sunshine.

Some of you are nodding your head. You don’t even realize that you are doing it. You aren’t even aware that your pulse has quickened and you can’t see anything other than these words and even those are growing faint.

That is because we are running with the moon you and I. We are partners on a journey and you want to know more about my story because you hope that maybe it holds some sort of key insight to your story.

You want to know about the girl I loved and what happened to her. You want to know if there is hope for us because if there is hope for us there might be some for you.

The thing that is ever so interesting about this is that I haven’t given you much in the way of detail. You haven’t heard about how we met in the most unusual way or how crazy it all was. You don’t know how it is we fell in love. You wonder if I am exaggerating or maybe you don’t.

Maybe you know what it is like to have that kind of passion where you can’t stand not having that person in your life because there is a gaping void that aches and burns without respite. Maybe you too were surprised to discover that the kind of crazy love you experienced the first time you ever fell in love could come back. Maybe you were shocked by the passion and overwhelmed by the loss of the friendship that you had.

Because that friendship threw you for a loop. It wasn’t just about love or lust. You liked them as a person. They filled the gaps and made you believe that you could be more than you were. They made you believe that all that hokey stuff you read in cheap paperbacks or saw on television might be based in reality. You understood that you could be naked in every possible way with them and be confident that they would caress your soul and cradle your heart.

It doesn’t have to be a dream. You don’t have to keep running with the moon. You don’t have to feel that enormous sense of loss or wonder whether you can ever love and be loved like that again because if it happened once it can happen again.

There are no coincidences. You can live your dream. You can find a way back. All you need to do is let go, submit to the reality of the possibility and accept that there will be opportunity.

It is not poetry or fiction. It is reality. It can’t happen on its own but if you ask and if you believe you will find the answer. You don’t need the old gypsy woman to sell you Love Potion number 9.

There are no coincidences.

Editor’s Note: This ran here first but I might use it for part of a story so I am dropping it in place for safe keeping.

Johnny grabbed his headphones, plugged them into the phone and turned on a random mix on Amazon Prime.

Leash in hand he grabbed his shoes, corralled a very excited a dog and walked out the door. A wave of heat washed over them and he smiled because somewhere far away but still very close June was enjoying that same summer sun.

He figured with the weekend almost at hand she was reviewing her list of things to do. He could see her holding two different checklists, one typed with all of the weekly grocery needs and the other handwritten containing errands and miscellaneous items she wanted to take care of.

She was lucky he didn’t have access to her computer or the file she used for making that grocery list because he would add a few things to it. Not too many, he didn’t want to make it obvious that someone had tampered with it but just enough to catch her mid shopping.

It was the kind of silly thing that she didn’t always laugh at. When she was happy with him (which was most of the time) it would make her giggle and if he was close she’d comment on it.

But during the odd moments when she was upset with him she would wave the list at him and talk about it as being proof of his being a pain.

He would listen to her and ask her if she loved him and she would roll her eyes and say yes. He’d smirk and she’d tell him that love was not an excuse for being annoying and he’d tell her that he put up with her annoying habits and she’d ask for him to list them.

He’d tell her that they didn’t have time to go over it all and she’d sigh at him.

Most of the time it would go no farther but every now and then they would hit one of those hiccups that couples do and she’d yell at him. Sometimes he would apologize immediately and remind her that she was his air and all he wanted to do was make her happy.

It was the kind of thing that people who didn’t know them would roll their eyes at and call juvenile but they didn’t care because the only two people who mattered were the people in the relationship.

Midway through the walk Lips Like Sugar came on and he smiled. June would tell him that was awful music but he didn’t care. That wasn’t his favorite band or song but the theme of it made sense to him. Her lips did taste like sugar to him and he loved telling her that.

He remembered one time after they broke up she had said it made her uncomfortable to hear that. But when they got back together she confessed she never got tired of being told she was sexy and beautiful but she thought he shouldn’t say it because she was concerned it would make him feel bad.

Sweat ran down his face and into his eyes, blurring his vision and making him blink. He thought about how silly the words “broken up” sounded to him.

They weren’t in high school and hadn’t been in years but according to her they were “broken up.” He didn’t buy it and didn’t believe she really did either but their current circumstances made it impossible to see each other with any sort of consistency and she didn’t like that.

He figured that was the root of the problem and imagined that if they were in a position to see each other with more regularity things might be different.

Years ago he might have shrugged his shoulders and figured that sometimes you just let go and move on but she was different and he was different.

Or maybe it was more accurate to say they were a different sort of couple. He had no doubt they had more trust and more depth than any other relationship he had ever been in.

Things were more complicated and the complexity made it all more challenging but he was convinced that you don’t just give up because things are hard, especially when there was so much potential.

He decided to be patient and see how things played out because it was worth it to him and because he didn’t mind throwing himself into the breach for her.

If his gut was right and his heart was true it would be one hell of a story. That wasn’t why he was in it but sometimes he liked to picture a time decades from now when the two of them would talk about how unexpected it all was and how happy they were.

It just felt to him like they had a great life to be shared, all they had to do was keep walking towards it.

He dared her not to kiss him back. He said actions speak louder than words.

She told him he was pushy and he said that sometimes action was required.

“I always wanted to be your hero and I will always do my best to be so. Sometimes that means listening to you tell me about your day and sometimes it means wrapping you in my arms. I know things. I always have.”

She told him he needed a new shtick and he said sometimes it was best to go with what is tried and true.

Sometimes You Just Go For It because you know that is what is required. Don’t ask me to explain how I know what I know or what makes me do as I do. I can’t always tell you in terms that make sense.

What I know is that I cannot remember a time where I couldn’t feel your heart or hear it speak. Maybe I am an idiot for saying that. Maybe sometimes I am wrong, but I am willing to bet I have been right more than wrong and more importantly your hand has always been worth taking a chance for.

He took her hand and led her to a quiet place under the moon and the stars.

For a moment he considered asking her if he could kiss her and then he decided against it. You either do or your do not.

His gut said if he asked she would say no but that she wouldn’t protest if he just did it. There was something different about doing and asking for permission.

He didn’t want to over analyze things, but it felt to him like she wanted that kiss to come from strength and confidence. There would be nights where she would want to be asked, but that night wasn’t tonight.

When she melted into him and hugged him more tightly he knew he had made the right decision. Sometimes you just go for it.

She asked him why he persisted even when she insisted he not and he said it was because he never believed she meant it. She wanted proof that he wanted to and that any choices he made to do so would be solely because he chose to and because of her.

When she asked him to explain he said he noticed that time seemed to have no influence or relationship to them. He reminded her that they had joked about being able to live on an island or be locked in a closet and never get bored.

She asked him why he noticed that and he laughed because she knew exactly why. They didn’t stay angry with each other and they didn’t get bored.

It never meant they didn’t get irritated or annoyed by each other but that for whatever reason their chemistry was such that they found being together rewarding, pleasurable and comforting.

He told her that was rare, special and beautiful and asked why he would ever ignore it. There was no doubt in his mind that based upon numbers there had to be others that would bring them similar feelings or peace of mind.

Math and science made it clear that it was possible, perhaps even probable but that didn’t mean it made sense to ignore it or to walk away.

Sure you could just walk. You could shrug your shoulders and say somethings were too hard and too complicated and figure that there was a shot to find that sort of thing at a later date, maybe together or maybe elsewhere.

Or maybe you would look at possibilities and consider how short life can be and recognize that just because it was possible to find it again it didn’t mean you would.

So maybe the best thing to do is hold on and just make do however you could for an undefined amount of time. It didn’t require great planning just understanding and willingness to roll with things as they go along.

It is an unorthodox and undefined commitment not commit and not to quit. All part of the great contradiction called life.

She told him he needed a new shtick and he said she needed a new excuse. She hemmed. He hawed. She pulled. He pushed.

And then when he had foreseen came to be he listened as she told him not to say it.

He simply smiled and nodded his head.

“I hate that smug look on your face.”

“You love my face and all of its looks.”

“Humility might be good for you, you ought to try it.”

“I’ll try it when you give up hysteria.”

“Are we always going to fight like this?”

“No and we are not fighting. You like the banter and you like knowing I am not going anywhere because if I did you would be really sad.”

She surprised him when she nodded her head.

He wrapped her in his arms and told her to lift her head. When she asked why he said because your friend likes the way you smell. She groaned and rolled her eyes and asked him if he would ever stop being a pain-in-her-ass.

“Nope, we are family and we are stuck with each other forever, remember.”

Three hours later he looked to his right and saw her sleeping next to him.

“I never understood why you didn’t make more of an effort to get to me. I would have done anything for you. Don’t you get it, couldn’t you see how deeply in love I was with you.

I would have given you everything I had and not questioned it.

Isn’t that a man’s dream, to have a woman give herself completely. If you were hungry I would have cooked for you and if you were horny you could have had me any time and any way you wanted.

I wanted to have your babies. We would have had a children of our own now.”

He replayed her words in his head many times and thought about it. He told her exactly what he wanted because he thought if he did it would scare her off but it didn’t.

The reality was it was his own fear about what could have or might have happened if he had made that move that had stopped it from happening.

It was one of the very few regrets of his life and it was major. That is probably why he tried not to think about it because when he did he felt like an idiot.

The people in the meant to be crowd told him that things happen for a reason and that their not making the move was tied into it. They said it wasn’t a mistake and that there was a purpose. He wanted to believe in it because it made him feel less foolish but he still wondered.

****

Some years later when they found themselves alone together the chemistry was too much and they chose not to hold back. Clothes came off, body parts came together and in the midst of it they rediscovered a rhythm that only they shared.

Just as he was about to ask her how she felt she ran her hands down his back and told him it felt great and said he should just let go. He wrapped his fingers in her hair and started moving faster and harder.

Eyes closed her voice encouraging him he got lost in the moment and wondered if he had ever felt this good before.

Later in the dark with their eyes closed they held hands and he thought about how completely they trusted each other. There had been bumps in the road and hard times but those moments never lasted and he attributed it to the depth of their trust.

It was the sort of revelation that made the pain of regret shrink. When he told her he was tempted to get her pregnant she smiled and said she was too old.

When he rolled on top of her her eyes narrowed a bit but her smile didn’t.

“We can’t get pregnant today.”

When he said ok and started to move she grabbed his arms and said it didn’t mean no, just no to pregnancy.

****

Several months later she told him they would never be apart again because they were family.

“You know I will never stop loving you.”

Those words kept ringing in his ears because never was not a word she used lightly.

He knew there would be some more knocks and bumps ahead of them but whenever he got frustrated with her he thought about her saying they were family and her use of the word never and that took care of it.

Sometimes he felt like an idiot thinking about it because it seemed illogical to suggest a person couldn’t change their mind yet there had always been something different about them so he figured in whatever different way it would work for them.

The words appear magically on my screen and hers. It is a conversation in which we can’t see facial expressions or hear the tone of the other’s words so we do our best to understand and interpret what we see on the screen based upon other things.

It is a dance around the unspoken topic that neither one of us broaches or bridges yet it permeates all.

There is a feeling inside that I go off of, my intuition that I try to use to sense what lies unsaid and unspoken.

If gut feelings are honest and reliable than the dance is prelude to something bigger, better and brighter. There is no set time frame for this moment nor real guidelines.

You can’t find a framework to use as a guide or outline because it is all by touch and that is ok. It is how we have made it through the moments, minutes and months.

It is how we managed not to let go when the hardest times came and how we kept things going.

Words flash by and there is a tingle in my toes that makes me wonder if she is smiling as broadly as I am. Hard to imagine she is not. Hard to believe two hearts aren’t beating as one right now but still there is a silent voice that questions it all.

Yet under the super moon the mystical and magical magnificence of past moments makes me believe we are holding hands from afar even if not in person.

And though it is an ethereal touch it is as real and meaningful as anything else.