Our journey down the rabbit hole of infertility

yoga

Recently I started to do yoga again. I’ve been practicing yoga on and off for the past ten years. I’ve always loved yoga but it seems to be the first thing to go when life gets hectic.

My favorite part of my yoga practice is the last ten minutes. The “cool down.” It’s pretty much the part where you just lay on the floor with your eyes closed. The instructor always says something along the lines of, “find your stillness. Be still with yourself. Accept the present moment and just be.”

Before I always took this as an opportunity to relax my mind and almost doze off. I literally feel the stress melting from my body. But today that last ten minutes meant something more to me.

I feel like I finally got it. Instead of constantly thinking ahead and making plans, it’s healthier to just be in the moment. Accept what is happening now and just live it. I’m working on finding my stillness and just being. That’s really hard for me. But I feel like I’m getting there.

I hate dealing with infertility. I hate the emotions that comes with it, the stress it adds to a marriage, and the self deprecating thoughts. But when I take that ten minutes a day to just be, I find that infertility becomes more of an after thought. It’s no longer the first thing screaming in my mind. It’s not who I am. It’s not going to define me as a mother, a wife, or a woman. It’s just something I’m dealing with right now. And I can handle that.

Although infertility brings so may awful things to the forefront, I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for me, it’s also helping me to find my center. I’m learning to find balance in my life and take time for myself. I’m learning to love myself exactly how I am without judgements or regrets. I’m learning to take care of my mind and body first. I am making myself a priority for the first time in my life.

Now I can’t say that I’m entirely there yet, but I’m working on finding my stillness and just being OK with it all. We will get through all of this.

**sidenote: If you’re a broke-ass teacher like me, or all your spare change is going to medical bills, you can do yoga at home online. There are so many great yoga videos on YouTube for FREE! I also like some of the meditation videos. It may sound a little hippie granola, but I promise you’ll either feel relaxed or have a good laugh.