I just updated our bio pages for the first time in 4 years. Crazy how things change.

I’ve never been shy about the fact that I love resolutions, but I strangely don’t have any this year. I love a new year and a new start and all that – and I feel like that’s happening – but I just don’t want anything stressfully exciting to happen this year. I want a year of nothing new. I guess that’s my resolution/intention for the year?

I’m pretty certain I’ve said this before – and I’m pretty certain I’ve failed. I am not prone to nothingness. I usually have something going on – a new degree, a cabin to rehab, etc. I like to keep life … exciting? Stressful? Both?

I thrive on pressure – but I think I need a break.

So – no new plans. No moving (meaning I have to delete my Zillow app). No major house projects. No new pets. Nothing.

I want to see if I can embrace nothing changing.

We have some travel plans and some small projects to do at the cabin – but that’s about it.

One thing I want to focus on is developing small hobbies and projects. Health related stuff has always been a hobby of sorts – so I’m planning to commit more brain space and time to it.

(I also want to learn how to sew, but that’s much less likely to work out. Like, comically less likely.)

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I mentioned a few weeks ago or so that I’m counting macros. Still doing that.

I started back in August just before my shoulder surgery. I sort of panicked when I realized surgery would be necessary because I felt super unhealthy and unprepared to put my body through it.

The lowest weight I saw when I was actively losing was 158 (in 2012), though I maintained in the 160s until late 2014.

I spent all of 2018 hovering right around 205.

I suddenly felt like I needed to do something to regain control of my health and stop the upward trend.

I signed up with Stronger U after reading about it somewhere on the internet. I have spent tons of money on exercise related stuff, but this was the first time (outside of joining Weight Watchers 10ish years ago) that I think I’ve ever invested in help with nutrition.

I don’t like being told what to eat, how to eat, etc. – and have major issues with ideas about good/bad food that I still struggle with – so the macro thing seemed like a good fit with a focus on moderation/guidance without crazy restriction/food judgment.

I’m on week 22 and am down to 189 (from an official start of 204.4). I’ve taken a few weeks off here and there for surgery and the holidays – but I always jump right back in.

It definitely provides what I need to get my nutrition under control: accountability.

Plus a spreadsheet is involved. I love some tracking of data.

I don’t care so much about the actual weight – but it’s a clear representation of what’s going on, how I feel, etc. Weight gain for me = lack of focus on decent nutrition/good health.

It doesn’t necessarily mean a total departure from concern about my health. I was working out with a trainer 2-3 times a week THE ENTIRE YEAR I weighed 205. It just means I’m not eating optimally. Food has always been about more than eating for me – as it is for a lot of people – but it’s dangerous in that I know I could easily wind up back at 272 during periods of high stress.

Anyway – I’m really liking Stronger U. Jon thought it was crazy and didn’t understand why I’d pay to send someone a spreadsheet each week, but he has since come around and signed up, too. He’s just getting started.

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Yesterday was my first time in a gym since my shoulder injury in June. I was actually nervous to go! I’ve spent the past 10 years trying out different gyms and various personal training studios, but I was legitimately scared to walk in the door of a big-box gym and use an elliptical for 30 minutes! I don’t remember how I motivated myself to walk into a gym for the first time EVER at 270ish pounds, but I’m impressed as hell at my previous self.

I’ve been cleared to do more with my arm – and my physical therapist recommended that I use an elliptical between PT sessions now to move my arm more – so I started.

I’m doing at-home body-weight workouts, too (also via Stronger U). I still have to modify just about everything that involves my arm and can’t push/pull much weight. I can lift zero weight overhead.

Realistically, I’m actually kind of liking taking control of my fitness and learning how to modify and make things work for myself. I’ve always just followed someone’s direction (either via a trainer, classes or something like crossfit) – and have liked and needed that – but I’m at a place in life where I’m ready to take more control of how I exercise.

So – I’m learning.

(I am also SUPER out of shape. I’ve done a week of working out plus one time on an elliptical and my entire body is sore.)

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I have another MRI scheduled next week for my shoulder. Long story short, my shoulder is still messed up. Very generally – given the complications when I had the surgery – the surgeon didn’t tighten a ligament as much as is typical. He has always told me that this call he made on the spot might have been a bad one – but he had to make a decision while facing an unknown/bad set of circumstances. Turns out the decision means my shoulder is still unstable. We’re just discovering that as my shoulder is “unthawing.”

A second surgery to tighten the ligament was discussed in detail at my appointment last week. He has mentioned here and there that it might be a possibility – but it’s sounding as if nothing I can do via PT is going to correct this issue. He gave me two possible surgery scenarios – both which make me super anxious.

So I don’t know. The MRI will hopefully explain what’s going on.

My shoulder rubs/pops constantly and is unstable in that it gets close to the edge, but never quite dislocates. It’s MUCH better than it was prior to surgery – but it’s not right. The rubbing is going to cause arthritis and other drama long-term. Right now, it just hurts a lot. I’m 4 months out and still can’t lift it much or do anything overheard.

I don’t know what I’ll wind up doing, but whatever it is – I’m going to go into the decision in better health than the last time around. I’m committed to that.

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I have an instagram account that I’m using to document food/health stuff: fit_together_now.