octubre 23, 2012

190. Author of my Consequences

Procrastination: Consequences – Do not ask for something / be exigent about something that I have not lived and given to myself unconditionally.

I realize that I have been playing out this point in relation to procrastination and a general desire for things to be just ‘perfect’ and running smoothly all the time so that ‘I’ can feel good about it/ have no worries and generally best for all, which would be common sensical if I was in fact living that out absolutely as myself. The question is: am I? And in absolute Self Honesty I can say: nope.

Now, this reminds me of parents, how they want their kids to be this beautiful (hellish) creations, asking them and being exigent about things that they haven’t lived themselves/ they haven’t probably ever lived BUT want their children to play out to become like a trophy that they can feel proud of – but, have they been a living example of everything they’re asking to their children? No. And I see I am doing the same with others, asking them to essentially have everything done ‘as I see it must be done’ however, am I actually in fact able to stand as an absolute authority of myself in this moment – not completely, this single point of procrastination that I’ve walked – that I’ve accepted and allowed – has affected in my ability to stand absolute to my words, since one single point that is not in alignment to the totality of what I’m walking certainly creates ‘ripple effects’ on everything else – and this is part of the consequences, wherein I see and realize that one single point that I deliberately allow to grow and not direct creates this suppressed anxiety, hiding it with further points to ‘take care of’ within me, but not necessarily having directed me to take this point on, which is ludicrous since it is one of the basic aspects to walk in this process: work with what is occupying your mind in order to give it direction. And this, well it did occupy my mind but would immediately cover up and sugar coat with something else.

The reason for doing that is simple: my image/ reputation could not be obfuscated with me having to expose a major point of procrastination – however, was that actually in order to ‘save my ego’ and image/ reputation toward others or was it in the end just a very unnecessary timeloop that I –alone- would have to face eventually and give it direction? Well, the second point is what really IS in fact and how every time that we place ‘others’ or the ‘who we are’ at the eyes of others in front of our application is dishonest, and that walking this process such dishonesties must get to the surface to face them for what they are, get some oxygen in order to ventilate it – lol – and then see that all the accumulated energy that created the patterns of suppressed anxiety and guilt and remorse are simply further add-ons to the procrastination character that become like this consuming monster that we feed everyday that we only Think about things we have to do but don’t do them.

A physicalconsequence is yes, pain in the back as a burden as well as having to deal with physical real-time events wherein I have to now arrange my schedule to get to all points necessary.

In the end I can only take my own words and say it to myself: In the end, you do it to yourself – and within this it is to see that the law of stupidity/ stupidity loops can only be stopped by me practically stopping them, correcting the pattern and that’s it.

So, here I walk the Self Forgiveness on Abdicating my Authority the moment I participate in the Procrastination Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility that I have toward myself, my words and deeds as the congruency that I have intended to live and that I accepted and allowed to be half-assed/ done in a middle term because of my desire to only do that which I prefer doing/ that which I have valued as ‘more important in my life,’ without realizing that in this I am placing a value-system to the points I have committed myself to do and apply, which is not acceptable since I see that this is not a matter of preference or what is ‘more important’ to do when comparing one task to another – it is simply realizing what must be done and within that, give myself the necessary authority to say no to following my desire to only do that which I like and instead, assist and support me to develop a physical habit of doing things without an energetic input to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to exert authority over others without realizing that it is as such an abusive point when I am doing it from the vantage point of not having lived authority as myself fully and completely – within this it is to realize that I can only be an authority as self when all that I do, think and act upon is standing 100% aligned to that which is best for all, wherein I understand that the moment there is self-interest in the way, we can realize there is an aspect that is not in consonance with an equality-living statement where self-responsible and self-directive individuals work together to establish a world that functions upon principles and not rewards or experiences as the negative or positive upon what is required to be done.

I realize that the point of responsibility extends not only toward myself, but to myself as this entire reality that I am an equal part of, wherein the moment I accept and allow myself to not be my own authority but allow myself to be deviated through the mind’s ‘authority’ I become that ‘plus point’ that continues accepting, allowing and living out the same mistakes of the past, which includes procrastination and apathy toward ourselves and this world as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own lack of authority toward others and within this, become exigent toward others about something that I have not lived myself fully and completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my own ability to be directive at all times due to allowing this procrastination point to diminish everything to a doubtful self-experience, wherein while not being a full-self responsible author of ourselves in our reality, we become ‘less than’ our minds due to having followed our thoughts instead of living self-direction and within this even exacerbate it through time until it gets to a point where it is no longer sustainable – yet the consequences as time lost/ time spent without giving direction to something is real and here to be faced as a reminder of what are the practical consequences of us abdicating our physical living authority over the mind’s desires, wants and needs that lead me nowhere, but further procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of self doubt – not trusting myself fully – do to losing my own authority over one single aspect that I made it ‘more’ than what it is, consuming me to the point of seeing it as very difficult to walk through, without realizing that in all of this process I only imagined/ thought/ assumed without actually working on it, which reveals to what extent we become a character and utilize actual physical energy and time in order to perpetuate a single limitation in our minds, which reveals to what extent we have become so used to self-abuse.

When and as I see myself missing out on my point of authority as who I am in every moment of breath that I am here and directing myself to do what is required to be done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that self trust and my ability to stand in my two feet immovable, resides within the ability to re-gain this self-directive principle within myself, to no longer accept and allow any form of mind manipulation for me to not give direction to something that is Here to be directed.

I commit myself to re-establish my authority as an absolute standing of what I say I will do, regardless of any ‘label’ as preference imposed onto such task/ project/ activity, as I realize that I will only commit myself to that which is in the benefit of all, and in the benefit of me walking through the responsibilities I’ve acquired within the system.

I commit myself to re-establish my self-trust and self-will according to my ability to stand up from this, actually work on the points that I haven’t worked on and within that, become my own point of authority that stands as an example of what it is to live the words we commit ourselves to live, within the realization that if I don’t fully live this as myself, it is not only to my own detriment, but as an equal acceptance of what I am willing to perpetuate within this world, which is definitely Not procrastination and abdication of self responsibility any further.

Within this, I see and realize how the seemingly ‘personal’ things that we don’t take responsibility for, are in fact the building blocks of a flawed system as it is the consequence of our flawed participation in it, thus we have to become the example of what an equal-participation in all aspects actually entail. And this is a point to be walked here.

There are some more points to come in relation to self commitments and self corrective statements since I see that there are several points intertwined here – which I will walk in another character to be decided upon SOON – lol