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9 Hyped-Up Sexual Issues to Ignore

It's easy to freak and fret when you're dealing with a sensitive subject, but some sexual issues simply don't deserve your distress. Experts say to cool it a bit with these nine common concerns.

Am I Normal for Having Fantasies or Liking Porn?

Yes, says sex therapist Sari Cooper. Some people fear that if they allow themselves this pleasure, it will overtake their lives and make them sexual addicts. "Unless the acts are violent or abusive (rape, harassment, sex with minors) or interfere with one's ability to maintain their job and/or responsibilities as a parent (as in compulsive sexual behaviors) or is illegal (prostitution, thus putting oneself and one's family at risk) most fantasies and consensual sexual behaviors are ‘normal,'" she says.

When the Penis Goes Limp

Holistic life coach and author of three books on aging the best way possible Hattie Batson uses her own experiences to help clients deal with their fears. She was with a guy who was embarrassed that his penis went soft. "I looked at him with a smile and said, ‘That's great. Now I won't gag!' He got hard after that," she says. "A sense of humor goes a long way," Batson says. Sex is not only fun, but it can be funny. "This has to be communicated to overcome impotency, fear, and inhibitions," she adds. "Often a man's low libido is correlated to poor health, back problems, lack of self-worth, or self-consciousness about poor performance and premature ejaculation. This guy needs to lighten up and play without pressure to perform."

Sex After a Night of Drinking

He might also go limp if he's had too much to drink, Cooper says. "This situation comes up frequently. Many women tend to read into their male partner's loss of erection and think that he's either not attracted to her any longer, cheating on her with someone else, ready to break up, watching too much porn, etc." And if he hasn't been drinking or experiencing the consequences of a medical issue (cardiovascular disease, low testosterone), he might also be suffering from side effects from medication. If you and your partner are going through this, Cooper suggests you have a conversation outside of the bedroom to sort out what the issue is. "[Don't] immediately assume it's a reflection on [your] looks or sexiness," she adds.

You Can't Orgasm

Women who can't ever or have never had an orgasm to the point where they don't know what it feels like is nothing to worry about. In fact, it happens more often than not. Batson believes this is a psychological issue, not a physical incapacity. "I'd advise the woman to seek help from a therapist who can help her release shame and body hatred and provide techniques for achieving an orgasm like erotic videos, a vibrator, a dildo... anything that would allow the woman to experiment without fear and shame."

Little or No Sexual Desire

Batson points out that women are very critical of their bodies and that takes a toll on their feelings of being desirable. What Batson would tell this type of diffident woman, "Do you think the [penis] is concerned about your size? No way. All it ever cares about is its own size, and if you'll let him put it in." Find a man who is obsessed with satisfying you, Batson advises. Then, you'll start to feel him—emotionally and physically.

He's Got a Small Penis

We hear about the story too often. Girl meets guy, girl sees guy's member and is instantly disappointed. Should she throw in the towel? Batson says that if a guy's penis is really small, there's no need to freak out. As it turns out, it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. "It's rarely the size of the penis—more like the size of his ego. It's only when a man is self-conscious about the size of his penis that it's hard for his partner to orgasm," she says. "If he's skilled in satisfying a woman (usually orally) and doesn't call attention to the size of his [penis], the woman will have orgasms." Batson also points out that men with small penises often put more energy into pleasing a woman, so it can actually be a plus.

Competing with Victoria's Secret Models

Concerned that your guy expects you to live up to the women he's viewing on TV and online? "While this may be true for some men, most men compartmentalize what they watch while they masturbate, which falls into the fantasy department, with what they want out of real life partners," Cooper says. "When you are watching a movie with Ryan Gosling or George Clooney and getting all hot and bothered, is that not different from what you're looking for with your real life partner?"

He Watches Porn and It Bothers You

"Men in general have a higher libido than women and want to have sexual pleasure more frequently than women; masturbation is a natural way to experience sexual pleasure that's different than partner sex," Cooper says. There's no reason to worry, ladies. "Chick flicks and romance novels are the female equivalent to male porn in that they allow a person to fantasize and get erotically charged, which can lead to both self-pleasure and partner sex," Cooper says.

Watching too much porn is only an issue if it becomes an addictive or compulsive behavior. You should be worried if your partner also has another addiction or comes from a family of addicts. "Compulsive masturbation to porn can be detected by a partner's longer absences that rob intimate times from their mates and family," Cooper says. "Like gambling or compulsive eating, a partner can begin to see signs of compulsion through increased gaps in a partner's ability to follow through on goals or plans, socially and at work."

Sex After Surgery

Batson has also helped patients with heart conditions and surgery, as it involves their sexual behavior. "Some individuals are embarrassed to discuss their sexuality with their doctors, and I urge them to ask as many questions as they need to feel confident," she says. "I recently underwent hip replacement surgery. Initially, I feared having sex, concerned that the thigh bone would disengage from the pelvic socket. As a sexually active senior, I didn't want this operation to interfere or curtail my sexuality." Her daughter assured Batson she'd be fine in that aspect.