I’m going on 42 and although children were never part of my agenda I did think I’d get married at some point. All of my friends have been married except me.

It’s not easy. I’ve obviously had failed relationships. I’ve tried to learn and grow from all of them but always wonder what’s wrong with me that it has never happened for me.

When I was a teenager I got this tiny book on palm reading that said if these lines on the side of your hand down from your pinky were far away from your pinky you’d have to wait until late in life to find love. Mine were further away than my friends so I blame that. I have to tell myself things like that so I don’t put so much weight on there being something inherently wrong with me.

One thing though. As the only single person in my friend group and work group-it’s tough. I know a lot of married people say they’d give anything to have their freedom again but man, dating is awful. And loneliness is a killer. Remember your single friends. And not just as the third wheel.

Edit: I want to clarify that I really don’t believe the palm reading book or that lines on my hand determine my fate.

As for other questions about relationships: I’ve been in one LTR that was over 6 years that I’d been cheated one three times. Other relationships lasted between 8 months -1.5 years and I thought things were going well and then realized the dude(s) had been lying the whole time, was doing meth, put his profile back up online to date, etc. things just didn’t work out. I’m not without my problems either. A bit clingy, depression, used to be a perfectionist, always trying to help people (pushy). Nobody’s perfect.

I feel you. I'm the only single, childfree person in my work group and it's hard when all your coworkers seem to want to talk about is their kids. Overall I'm happy with my life right now, but last year there were a couple of family events where I was reminded that I'm the only grandchild who is "still" single. It stung, but I just reminded myself that it was innocent enough and there was no malicious intent, and moved on. It will happen when it's supposed to.

As a child free person listening to people talk about their kids is music to my ears. It reminds me of all the things I have done and enjoyed thanks to not having kids and all the things I can do without worrying about them. Take it as a motivation!

I'm 38 and proud to never have been married. Most of my friends have divorced, remarried, made even worse decisions. And they are miserable a lot of the time. My mother, sadly, recently got divorced for the second time.

I am currently dating the only person I have considered marrying IN MY LIFE EVER. It just never felt right until recently. I never felt that there was something "wrong" with me, but I understand that I might not fit the norm.

I’ve been straying away from my mid-30s aged group of friends because without fail every lunch outing turns into talk about their children and problems in their marriage. I have nothing to contribute to the conversation and my interests are more career-focused and on travel, things they honestly don’t have or care for. It felt a bit selfish but honestly it felt like the same spiel over and over from them and I can only listen to so much of it. I’ve got a group of work friends in their mid-late 20s that I prefer to spend time with because we understand when talking about our field and we plan and go out on outings and trips together. No kid talk, no rain checks or rushing back because kid is sick/babysitter isn’t available etc.
I would have wanted to at least be married by now and that time will come when it’s due but all the kid talk makes me happy to not have kids now. I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish and do certain things had they been in the picture.

Oh, I agree. When I was younger I honestly thought I'd be married by now, but I've mostly made peace with that. Kids have never been part of the agenda though, and if anything hearing all the kid talk makes me even more happy that I get to go home at then end of the day and do whatever I want.

That makes the conversation awkward fast haha. My boyfriend works among a group of women all with kids and that’s obviously the topic of conversation a lot. Then they’ll always just turn to him and ask awkwardly, “So... how are your... cats?”

If it's ok for them to talk about their kids, it's totally ok for you to talk about your pet. It's only awkward if you make it awkward. I don't have a cat, but I have a dog and my dog is great. I'm teaching him a new trick - spin while standing on his hind legs. He does it, but not consistently so I'm working with him on that. He knows a lot of tricks.

Did you find that your friends were able to be just as present and supportive in your wedding when you got married as when you helped them with their weddings? I heard one woman say once that she was disappointed that by the time she got married her friends were all wrapped up in their own lives that they couldn't be as present for her by the time she got married. She was a little hurt and disappointed because she made every effort to be there for her friends when they got married. That's one thing I'm afraid of if I'm one of the last of my friends and I marry later in life. Other than that, I'm in no rush. :)

That's interesting about your palm! I'd like to get read again as I've heard your lines can change. In high school someone read mine and said divorce could be in my future...

I was married at 39. It stung a little that none of my closest friends, who all married in their 20’s and now have teenage children, couldn’t make the wedding. Of course, I fully understand the reasons but it was bittersweet for me to literally have only 3 of my friends attend (all without children), especially when I’d made the effort to travel as far as overseas for theirs. Children certainly change everything. I’m pleased to say, I’m pregnant with my first at 41 (but have found myself strangely guarded about sharing the news with any of these same friends). I wouldn’t change any of this for the world. After three failed long term relationships, I met and married my best friend; loving, supportive and emotionally available, he will be a present and fully engaged father, and it was totally worth the wait.

I’m sorry your friends couldn’t all be there but I’m glad you found someone awesome and that you’re expecting! I’m not in a rush to get married (if at all) but I’m open to the idea that a good partner could come along later - even if it’s much after my friends get hitched.

I see this as a major reason that friendships shift so much. I love and support my friends' kids and their choice to be parents/ get married, but... when that's ALL they talk about and their sole identity, it's really difficult. Once interesting, once successful and goal-oriented women who now talk about their HOA and PTA groups, yeah, it's depressing to be excluded. And to be the one who has to constantly cater to their schedule. Many friendships don't last this, IME

I just want to challenge that idea that they are no longer interesting, successful, or goal-oriented - they are interested in different things, successful in different ways, and have different goals.

It's off-putting to assert that if your goals include things like "have a family" you cannot be interesting, goal-oriented, or successful. Just because their lives and interests and goals have changed does not not mean they've "given up" or are any lesser.

They're different, and maybe not the same as the people you were friends with, but I know many many successful, interesting, and goal oriented women with kids. The PTA isn't more or less useful or interesting than a book club or hobby group. Their hobby is raising kids. Their goal is to introduce useful members of society and make them the best they can be. Success is creating a loving and dynamic family - and that's only if they've completely dropped their career and hobbies from before kids.

Kids don't mean the end of all your previous life. They add more and shift priorities. It's 100% possible to be interesting, successful, and goal oriented with kids. I'm sorry your friends have different goals than they maybe used to, but the way you write them off is quite rude.

That's totally fair, my perspective and worldview is heavily skewed in favor of people who want different things from life than the goal of a family. I should have conveyed my experience better, but that's been my observation, nonetheless: modern motherhood is not conducive to keeping previous identity and is literally measured by one's sacrifice. Not saying that's universally true, just my experience. Thanks for the reminder that my view isn't unanimous, and sharing your perspective

I encourage you to broaden your circle and find some of the many many women who manage to keep being themselves while they add "mom" to their titles. These are incredibly badass women who are if anything, more interesting and successful by adding that challenge to their life. There are also many many women who "pause" their personal hobbies, raise a family, and then go on to do wonderful things outside of their family.

Your statements continue the narrative that a woman's job is to either be cool and interesting, or be a mom - and once they're a mom, they can never be anything else. That is not true and really holds back women from all their options. Expand your circle, meet some other moms, and see what motherhood can mean outside of your small circle and what you see on TV.

This is definitely true. In addition, depending on what's happening in the friends' lives at the moment (e.g. pregnancy, having young children) they simply may not be able to accommodate all the wedding stuff, like destination weddings, bachelorette parties etc. For example, it may be too expensive to bring your whole family to a destination wedding, or you may not be able to leave your newborn while you go out clubbing. Often people who get married later hang with younger people who share similar lifestyle, so some of the activities they choose for their wedding/bachelorette may not be appropriate to the married friends.

Married friends may still very much want to support your wedding planninf but either can't do it without major inconvenience or yeah the plans don't fit your current lifestyle. I would recommend trying to show your friend that you care about their wedding in other ways like asking them about how things are coming along, meeting up one on one or on other occasions, helping with planning etc.

I feel exactly that way if I ever have kids. Ive always helped throwing their baby showers and do all these things for their baby to come. I wonder if anyone will even care beyond "oh I'm so happy for you" if I ever have a kid.

I don't think she got married... But u/franklestock is eloquent and thoughtful and sounds like a great catch. Speaking as someone who has been married and divorced, I haven't found marriage to feel any different than other relationships, and there can be quite a lot of solitude in committed relationships, as well. So I hope she doesn't feel that she's missing out. I imagine she has an extremely rich life and I would love to hear more about what she's accomplished in life since freeing herself of that 6-year dud. What a terrible experience! Wishing her luck in the dating pool; I think there's a Mr. (or Mrs.) Franklestock out there and that they will be a very lucky person.

I said maybe someday I’ll write a book! Hahaha
Actually I think they’re better as stories in real life. So I’m not sure how they’d translate on to paper. I’d love to do some stand up sometime but it’d be that mix of very dry, sarcastic humor and some over the top impressions. I’ve been writing down some stories so I’ve been working on some of it. :) We’ll see what happens.

Have you dated people and not felt a strong connection with someone? Or have you had relationships where you’re crazy about them, but it’s not reciprocated? I think most people probably have the option of settling with someone they’re not into just to avoid being alone, so maybe when you find someone, you’ll be fulfilled and it’ll be long-lasting if that’s what you want.

Most relationships there wasn't a strong connection or I just never saw a future with them. But there was one. I thought he was it, he turned my life upside down. He wanted to get married and have kids, and then one day he didn't. And it was over. I basically gave up on finding anyone after that.

Got my palm reading at 14. So far everything has been true or pretty close. My line said I was going to have three people I will love. Two will be very toxic, third will be rocky at start and hard to work on but that’s the one I’ll end up with. At the beginning of the year I had a dream about that palm reading. So far, two already have been toxic. Third love I can’t really say I see a future with yet since we both still have things to work on with ourselves. But so far he’s the one I’ve loved the most. I’ve never felt with someone like we fit, like I want to fight for them and with them hah. Usually I’m cold and disconnected and just not care but with him Ive been able to work for happiness instead of just not caring and leaving or looking elsewhere. Can’t say he’s the third though. Maybe there is an actual third.

What I can say though is that some people don’t believe in those lines but if you do and think the universe has something planned that’s fine too. Also my moms lines are further from her pinky than mines. Mines is closer. My mom is still single and wayyy over the dating thing. But she’s still trying to find the one. She’s been married once. He cheated.

I remember watching a palm reading scene in Outlander and looking at my own and it really bummed me out. I texted a friend and his reply made me feel sooooo much better. "Well I wouldn't dare let my hand tell me whether I get married". I mean, I'm still not married but I could have married an alcoholic deadbeat in my 20s and I'm glad I didn't.

Derailing the topic is not permitted. Derailing includes but is not limited to: Changing the topic from OP's question; making someone else's response about yourself; asking unrelated follow-up questions; branching into unrelated topics; "What-about"-ism; arguments, slap-fighting, or debating; judging or rating other responses; meta comments about other responses; or responding to comments to tell us how your dick feels. No one cares.

One of my friends is in their 40s when they got married. I saw how they struggled mostly because others put that insecurity on them. Nothing is wrong with you. I had to tell her that all the time, this isn't an achievement based on character and I'll argue it isn't an achievement to get married, as anyone can do that. It's how fulfilling the actual relationship is. We've had friends that sure, they were married but were they happy? No. A few friends aren't even 30 and have had multiple marriages. The quality of the relationship wasn't there but they're so hung up on in being in one they fall in love with the concept of settling down so they do. Trust me, that isn't better than being alone. I'm divorced once as well and it's because he fucking sucked and we shouldn't have. It was so short lived and being alone has taught me to be a better person to be able to have self worth to say no to the wrong thing and how to be a better about growing together. Now I'm in the right marriage, someone who is a good partner.

One of my friends is in their 40s when they got married. I saw how they struggled mostly because others put that insecurity on them. Nothing is wrong with you. I had to tell her that all the time, this isn't an achievement based on character and I'll argue it isn't an achievement to get married, as anyone can do that. It's how fulfilling the actual relationship is. We've had friends that sure, they were married but were they happy? No. A few friends aren't even 30 and have had multiple marriages. The quality of the relationship wasn't there but they're so hung up on in being in one they fall in love with the concept of settling down so they do. Trust me, that isn't better than being alone. I'm divorced once as well and it's because he fucking sucked and we shouldn't have but being alone has taught me to be a better person to be able to have self worth to say no to the wrong thing and how to be a better about growing together. Now I'm in the right marriage.

One of my friends is in their 40s when they got married. I saw how they struggled mostly because others put that insecurity on them. Nothing is wrong with you. I had to tell her that all the time, this isn't an achievement based on character and I'll argue it isn't an achievement to get married, as anyone can do that. It's how fulfilling the actual relationship. We've had friends that sure, they were married but were they happy? No. A few friends aren't even 30 and have had multiple marriages. The quality of the relationship wasn't there but they're so hung up on being one they fall in love with the concept of settling down so they do. Trust me, that isn't better than being alone. I'm divorced once as well and it's because he fucking sucked and we shouldn't have but being alone has taught me to be a better person to be able to have self worth to say no to the wrong thing and how to be a bit better about growing together. Now I'm in the right marriage.

This is something to remember. My niece is dealing with it as her college friends get their MRS degree, and get married. I am coming up on 40, and people are divorcing left and right, definitely so for the couples who married super young and didn't have aligned goals that they overlooked.

So yes, it can be lonely to be the last to get married, but, IME, it is all corn flakes to get married by x,y,z age. Yes, happy marriages start young all the time, but too many couples get married because "it's time" or "we've been together so long"

This is what I'm dealing with. I was fine when my former classmates skipped out on college to have kids at 19. But now that I'm graduating university and a lot of my peers are engaged I feel frustrated with myself for not even having my first kiss yet.

I was the same as you at that age. It would be some years until it happened but my first guy was the worst (in terms of kissing and personality). Don’t feel bad if it hasn’t happened yet and don’t feel pressured! Stick to what you’re comfortable with. That was definitely hard for me to do at times because some (shitty) guys tried to invalidate my feelings.

The words of OP can be applied to any other relationship. This is important because you need to ask yourself this: how fulfilling is the relationship that you have with yourself?

Now I'm in the same situation and possibly much older than you but I'm happy to wait because I'm still working on myself and I know what I like to see in a potential SO. Also I'm hopeful that it will all work out in the end and it's something that you should believe in as well (:

Many people used to put that on me and my husband. It's the constant why aren't you married, it's time. From year 1 to 7 people wouldn't leave us alone.

For us there was no rush and we wanted to do that on our own terms.

I can see how many couple's are in an inbetween. Maybe it's not a totally wrong relationship but there are inconsistencies enough that break down after that commitment. But because nothing big blew up and they've been together they make the jump despite being just fine and not good for each other. I think that's why the divorce stat goes up with couples who got married after being together for like 7-10 years. Maybe it's the extra step to "get us there". They think they should settle down at that point than walk away going, yeah this is just ok and okay is not enough to marry. Starting over is hard and scary but staying just sucks.

I can see how many couple's are in an inbetween. Maybe it's not the wrong relationship but there are inconsistencies enough that break down after that commitment. But because nothing blew up and they've been together they make the jump. I think that's why the divorce stat goes up with couples who got married after being together for like 7-10 years.

The same thing happened when i broke up with my ex of 10 years. He kept saying that how can i do this as we’ve known eachother for so long. But it didnt matter to me cuz he basically wasn’t compatible with me so why stay together just for the sake time we’ve been in relationship.

Yeah it's really the opposite. You've been in it long enough to know that it's not improved in a decade so its not going to happen. I hope you're doing well.

I have a friend in this boat and I'm trying to be the most supportive as she talks through it. It's been a 1 foot out for like a year now consistently talking about it to me. But that other foot stays put.

Not true...a person is much happier with someone.Yeah they got divorced but they had happy moments in their which your friend missed.
Life is meaningfull with someone you love.
Sometimes it may not work but the feeling stays and just transfers.
This new self acceptance, and feministic bullshit just sounds good while speaking but in real life you need someone to understand you and to not judge you for being you.
( Not accusing you of that feminist stuff,just an example )

If this is true, and simply getting married was so fulfilling, why did the feminist revolution happen in the 1960’s? Why weren’t women happy to just stay home?

I think that women being happy by themselves is scary for some men, so they do what they can to stamp it out. I love my husband, but I have a lot of friends that are happy being single. And if they weren’t, I don’t think that messages like yours actually help anything.

You have to love yourself before you can love someone else, otherwise, who are you offering if you don't know who you are. You have to be alone with yourself sometimes, make sure it's someone you actually like.

It's hard to stay positive. It's hard to not think that you're going to end up alone and it is hard to think about having to give up that dream of having kids. Everyone always says oh you'll find someone, you'll find someone... okay but what if I don't.

Well if everyone is telling you you'll find someone it's likely you have a really legitimate shot at finding someone and probably will. None of my friends or family even tries to say I'll find someone, it's obvious to everyone it's extremely unlikely.

Well for me it's because I'm autistic (and over 90% of people on the autism spectrum never marry) and in addition I have an incurable medical condition that prevents me from having penetrative sex or children and because of these conditions I'm on disability and can't work. Realistically no one wants to marry an unemployed autistic person who can't have penetrative sex or children. And I'm in my 40s now so if it hasn't happened by now it's pretty clear it won't. If you're not facing these kinds of severe issues, you'll probably find someone.

I'm also autistic and on disability, I've never tried to have sex with anyone but I do wonder sometimes if I'll enjoy penetrative sex and it worries me that I might not. But I try to tell myself there's someone for everyone - not in a magical "everyone has a soulmate" kinda way but because there are so many people with so many different preferences on this earth and one of them is bound to fit me even if it turns out I don't like sex. For a long time I thought I was asexual or something like it and I found out there were loads of people who didn't want sex but still wanted love and companionship. Most dating sites have people who identify as asexual or demisexual and there are even dating sites exclusive for those people. So for me at least I feel like there's still a possibility to find someone, even with all my baggage (I'm also working on getting rid of emetophobia, depression, OCD, anxiety, ARFID and losing weight, so it's a lot of baggage), the scary part is putting yourself out there and holding on to hope that you can find someone.

I almost think it would be easier if I were asexual since then I could potentially date another asexual person. But I have a really high sex drive and love sex (oral sex, etc) and orgasm easily, I just can't do the penetrative kind. I wouldn't be happy or fulfilled at all in a relationship with someone who had no interest in sexual activity, I need it both physically and emotionally to feel connected.

But yeah if you're asexual you could definitely find an asexual partner, especially if you live somewhere with a large LGBTQ community.

Ah yeah, that probably does make it more difficult - I still think it could be possible though! I assume you don't feel it's possible you might be attracted to women as well? That would obviously be a handy solution. But as weird as it sounds I'm sure there are men out there that don't like penetrative sex, or who'd be just fine sticking to oral, I've heard of stranger things. Or maybe you could consider a poly relationship? As much as I believe there's someone for everyone I do also think it's a lot to ask of one person to fulfill all your needs, or for you to fulfill someone else's, so I'm open to the idea of multiple people in a relationship. Probably very hard to find and maintain, but not impossible. Obviously not everyone's cup of tea but I feel like autistic people especially are well-suited for that - we're usually pretty logical and pragmatic about things, and surprisingly good at being open and honest in communicating.
Anyway, maybe that's naive but I need to believe it's possible for everyone/anyone - even me, with everything that's stacked against me, and as impossible as it seems.

Met my autistic husband when he was 47. We've been married 10 yrs, together 12. Definitely drives me nuts sometimes, but all men have their man quirks.

His autism helps make him a great partner for me. He is obsessed with dishes, vacuuming, toilets, laundry -- I do everything else. Sweep, dust, clean, etc but who cares because he does so much.

He is obsessed with car maintenance, gardening (flowers, veggies, beautiful yard). He checks oil, tires, etc. and schedules repairs. It's a safety priority. I'm used to turning up the radio when I hear a noise so it makes me feel secure when he takes my car for new tires or whatever.

He is socially awkward but we deal with it. And he processes hurt as anger which is a whole can of worms in itself. But he aplogizes and is truly sorry when he hurts people. After so many years we know the triggers and we have strategies.

I am very well taken care of and have a lot of independence. I know the spectrum is wide but feel very fortunate.

I don’t think she feels like she’s in an unfortunate situation or is lonely. I think she’s saying that people with autism aren’t excluded from having happy, long-term relationships.
She seems to love and is happy with her husband, even though his autism makes their relationship different from a “normal” one.

Probably to different country 😁
In here it is more common to be divorced single mom in my age.
I have friends, who are divorced, with or without kids, and nobody thinks it's not ok. When I say I'm 32 and never been in really searious relationships, people asks, whats wrong with me.

This! So, at 23 I married my high school sweetheart and was divorced by 25. We didn’t have any children, but I kept thinking I’d eventually remarry and have some. Well, now I’m 38, never remarried, not yet had children, and still very much single.

All of my friends are married with kids. So it’s not like we can hang out on a Friday or Saturday night with just each other. If we do hang out they try and keep me encouraged by saying “I’m sure you’ll find someone before your 40 and can no longer have kids”.
But I’ve come to accept the fact that I’ll never marry and be a mom. I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me.

I still try and go on dates, but with the mindset of just having a good time meeting someone new. I’ve been on dates were we have had great conversations but no real spark. And I’ve been on some bad date too, lol.
I’ve just learned to be happy with my single self and enjoy doing things without a partner. I’m learning to be comfortable with my aloneness and love myself. I hope that learning to be more carefree will help open up opportunities to meet that special someone, but if not I’m still going to enjoy my life for now.

Ahhh, then you don't! Why do you want to find someone? Companionship? Someone to do things with? Those can be found in a friend. Sex? FWB maybe, or get a really good sex toy. Kids? Adopt/IVF. Someone to depend on? Make that yourself!

Understood, your previous comment just came off as if you genuinely despised the thought of being with a partner. I understand that some people prefer to not to engage in relationships, but instead have good friends and be more of an individual. But that doesn't mean being together with someone doesn't hold some amount of value.

I’m 30, all of my friends have kids. I always wanted them but wasn’t in the cards for me. My current boyfriend possibly wants kids, but he and I both agree we want to wait a while. (We enjoy our freedom to have adventures big and small.)

I’m to the point where I wouldn’t mind not having kids, if that’s how my life plays out.

I do, however, wonder if I’ll regret it when I’m older. Not having kids or grandkids.

I’m also 30, but none of my close friends have kids yet. My two close girlfriends got married last year and will soon be trying for kids while my boyfriend and I are trying to get ourselves financially stable. The best part is that we’re on the same page: if we have kids, we have kids. If we don’t have kids, we don’t have kids.

I also have that worry. Im 25 and my boyfriend is 29. He says he never wants them and at the moment, I'm mostly indifferent. However, I wonder if I'll change my mind and regret the decision when it's much too late.

In our twenties my SO and I were both insanely adamant about not wanting kids.

Now we are financially stable with a house. I'm 32 and he's 34. And we both suddenly really want kids 😅
About ~6 months ago we started realizing it when we would see our cousin's kids and stuff. So we decided, in a year if we still feel the same way, we will get my IUD taken out and go for it!

Don't count on someone's mind changing about this. Honestly if my partner changed his mind and decided he wanted kids and it was a dealbreaker, it would break my heart. I'm 32 and he's 36, but we had the no kids talk pretty early on in our relationship, at maybe 23 and 28. Anything can happen but this is something I've been very very certain about for a long time.

Honestly you can’t count on anything in a relationship. People change, it’s life. When you decide to commit to someone forever you’re making a choice on whether to accept them both as they are in that moment and as they will be later, with all of the changes that might come. It’s hard, but you have to be willing to work through any of these potential conflicts that might arise and decide what’s more important - the issue or the person.

I mean, yes, people change and you roll with the punches and compromise. But as much as I love my partner, I just don't see myself ever willing to compromise on carrying a child in my body and then being responsible to raise it to adulthood.

If he wanted to do a risky career change, move across the country, alter the structure of our relationship, transition genders, honestly I can think of so many things that would be varying levels of difficult but I'd be willing to work through and compromise.

But having a child isn't a compromise I could make. I wouldn't want to bring an unwanted or resented child into the world. It's unfair.

I mean, yes, people change and you roll with the punches and compromise. But as much as I love my partner, I just don't see myself every willing to compromise on carrying a child in my body and then being responsible to raise it to adulthood.

That’s completely fair as long as you know and set that boundary. I think my comment may have been misinterpreted. All I meant was that you never really know how a person is going to change, you just have to know where your own limits are and how important that person is to you because there will inevitably be conflicts/changes and you’ll be faced with either working through them or choosing to stand your ground on the issue over the person.

Though it's true that anything can change, it's wrong to think that couples should work through any issue. If someone wants kids and the other doesn't that is a huge disparity, having a kid has to be one of the biggest and hardest changes in life but some people need to experience it. You don't want to end up resenting your partner for making you give up your dreams, you doubly don't want to raise a kid you never wanted. The goal of a relationship is to be happy and sometimes people change and grow apart, you shouldn't stay in a relationship just because of a commitment you made. If your partner had an affair or became abusive no one would expect you to stay with them.

I don’t think I said couples should work through any issue? What I said is that when hard times arise you have a choice to make on whether that issue is more important than the person you’re with. If it is, you know it’s time to leave.

I’d say don’t count on either scenario: don’t count on them changing their mind, and don’t count on them not changing their mind, either.

Lots and lots of people change their mind about kids at some point (or multiple points) in their life. Shit happens. Relationships are fragile because people do change. That’s just the risk of being with someone.

While I would never recommend thinking “Oh, my partner doesn’t want kids now, but one day they’ll change their mind...” I also would not recommend depending on the assumption that they will never change their mind. One should hope both people stay on the same page, but have a coping strategy for if/when that doesn’t happen.

I wasn't saying it's for sure going to happen. I wasn't saying to "count" on anything. And if I told my 29 year old self that we would even be thinking about this right now, she/I probably wouldn't believe me.

I thought I might want kids but wasn’t sure, especially since I loved my life and routine. We waited and now I’m 34 and expected to deliver in August. Soooo glad we waited those few years. I will never feel 100% ready, but I am a LOT more ready now than I was at 30. None of my friends have kids, though, so it was easy to avoid thinking of children.

It's life. While my dream was different than how my life turned up, I didn't want to settle.

I wanted someone I could see myself raising a family with and getting old together. I didn't want to settle to get what I wanted in the moment. At times it was sad like grieving for the life I wanted but didn't have.

Im glad I waited as I found the person that I can finally see being with and is better than I envisioned.

I just realized this the other day. I am totally grieving the life I thought I would have. I'm 33 and I know I still have time for marriage and kids, but I still grieve that I haven't lived the way I dreamed of. I don't know how to actually process this grieving though. Thanks for saying that, it helps to know other people feel the same way.

I feel exactly the same, and I also don’t know how to process the grief of it. Mostly I just acknowledge how I feel internally but I don’t end up processing it- I just kind of squish it down because it makes me feel silly to say out loud or confide in other people about it.

Same here, been trying to figure out how to get past it - I've lost over 15 years to mental illness, I'm 34 now and even though I know my life is far from over I can't stop grieving for losing my "youth". Try to tell myself not to compare myself to others, there's still time, etc etc all the cliches, but I'm also a realist and can't deny the reality of how far behind I am and how unlikely it is to find someone who's okay with that. Trying to keep that hope alive is exhausting but without it I have no motivation to keep going. At least I don't want kids so there's no rush there, guess that's a silver lining.

It's nice to have the anonymity of reddit for that reason. I just keep hoping it will happen and try to adjust my expectations. I have trouble because I tend to get bitter and sometimes hold it against my friends who have marriages and children. I know this isnt fair though.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve been struggling to put into words how I’m feeling for the last two years, and you’ve done it. I’m grieving for the life I thought I would have and the person I thought I would be.
Thank you for giving me hope.

This. Perfectly said. A year ago I ended a relationship with who I thought would be the father of my children. My friends my age either have kids or happily do not. Knowing I want kids, they encourage me to settle on important things in finding a partner, but it’s a person I’ll be connected to for at least 18 years, I don’t want to settle

My feeling is: if I have children, the most important decision I can make is who their father will be. Genes & personality traits will be passed down; this man would be one-half of my child's parent, and have an incredible influence on their lives regardless of how involved he is. Also, for me, I want to have children with someone who actively wants to be a father. Someone who is able to care for himself and another person, and not leave all of the parenting to me.

I know there's no way to predict where things will go in relationships, but if I can't find a guy who wants children I will find a way to be happy in my life without them. Kids aren't everything.

I’m not gonna rush into a lifelong commitment just to keep up with my friends. When I saw them at their weddings I admired the way they looked at eachother with so much love and joy in their eyes, and was reminded that it is worth waiting for a person who I feel just as strongly about instead of settling for anything less.

Same! I was happy for my friend when she got married and kind of relieved I didn’t feel jealous or envious of her. It’s a huge commitment and a big change so while I’m open to the idea of finding a partner I’m happy with where I am now too.

I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years now and we don’t have kids. Since we got together we have seen almost all of our friends and relatives getting married and popping out kids left and right (I can’t remember how many hats and stuffed animals I’ve crocheted over the years) but we stand firm in our decision to wait. I do want kids but we both feel it isn’t the right time. We both have a substantial amount of student debt and are just now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel where we will be financially stable. Also, with the current state of the world, part of me is terrified of what kind of future my child would have.

As much as I know it’s the responsible thing to do to wait, there’s still that nagging in the back of my mind that I’m running out of time. My mother struggled with infertility and I’m terrified that it will take me years to get pregnant and by then I’ll be too old to have a healthy pregnancy.

It doesn’t help that our family is always bringing it up. My sister-in-law started dating her husband around the same time as me and they had both their kids rather quickly. Everyone just kind of looks at her and then at me and is all “well SHE had kids, why don’t you??” Good times.

You should go see a doctor and tell them about your fear of infertility issues, he'll run some test and will let you know if you're right to be concerned or not. Even if kids are not in the plan for now, I think it's wise to know in advance so you can plan ahead

You're being very wise -- and I say that as someone who has three small children and struggled financially through their infancy. The stress was crushing and took a toll on the quality of our relationships. When you are ready to start a family, you will find a way, even if it's not your biochild. There are groups you can join to discuss all the medical options to be thinking about in the meantime -- and if you decide to take the plunge before you're financially ready, take it from me that you will survive. It may be extremely hard, but it may be worth it to you. Wishing you the best and that all your dreams come true.

The silver lining is that they are supportive of your relationship and if they're nearby will hopefully help with childcare when the time does come! My kids are babies and I still can't wait to be a grandparent... Once you reach the first bio-clock marker I guess the second one starts going off! I apologize on their behalf!! :)

We aren’t waiting for our debt to be gone but like, if some catastrophe happened, even a minor one we don’t have any savings at all. I just want to feel like we are prepared for the worst before we add more complications to our lives.

I did mention my fears to my doctor but she pretty much said I need to start trying before they go for any tests and stuff.

Can I ask how old you are? I bet you will have a good chance, unless you have some medical ailments that make this difficult!? I hope you know when the time you feel comfortable trying for babies, but just know there's never a perfect time, there will always be a reason or something that makes it seem, like not now... But you'll know! Best of luck 😉

I didn't put much stock in it really. While they were dating, getting married, having kids I was finishing 3 degrees, developing a strong career, travelling the world and getting to know myself as a person.

Now a lot of them are telling me that they wished they had done as I did because so much of their life is dedicated to other people they won't have the opportunity to get a higher education or develop a career until at least another decade has passed. They also worry that if they get divorced during that time that they will be at a disadvantage when they are trying to support themselves and their kids.

Yeah, same. For me, it was never an option not to work. I know so many women my age (nearly 40) who, if their partner cheated or left or got fired or injured, they'd be really really screwed financially and logistically. So, while there is a lot of security in a marriage, there's also tradeoffs - I married much later than average, and I'm happy for it because I got to live so much prior and establish myself as a solid partner, rather than just "John's wife" or "Jackson's mommy"

Same. My life happened when it happened. I had fun in my 20’s and 30’s. Educated myself, developed my career, found someone, grew as a couple and now we have a baby in our late 30’s. Most of my friends’ kids are 5-12years old.

But you know what, we don’t worry about money or job security, we are old and tired so we aren’t always looking for a party. We went through the dark days of our relationship before kids and came out on the other side, and I think we generally do like each other. ;) Yes, We are old. We were talking about how old we will be when our little guy is our age, and it’s sad. We’ll be old if we are fortunate enough to live that long. But, if we had kids earlier, we wouldn’t have been this sweet heart that we know and love now.

Sure it would have been nice to get started earlier, but that’s not what happened in my life. Can’t change the past, so might as well look forward.

I was waiting for this comment! Life is so rich, there are so many moments of adventure and fulfillment (and disappointment and regret).

The idea that marriage and kids are the Two Biggest Achievements, and nothing else can even compare, is just wrong. Plenty of people marry the wrong person, and honestly, plenty of people question why they had kids. I try and take advantage of the opportunities I have to make my life more fulfilling (work, travel, hobbies, volunteering, etc) and keep the ‘Big Achievements’ in perspective

I decided to build my career while starting my family and let me tell you it is a bumpy ride! Just starting to see the light of day now, and that's with a 4-year-old, 2-year-old, 1-year-old, and exhausted partner in tow -- plus a pile of debt, of course. There has been and will continue to be much individual therapy needed to get through it!

There is no wrong way to live a good life, and yours sounds brilliant. I'm glad your peers recognize all you've accomplished and that have such high self worth. Great work, u/postygal!

I just wanted to pop on here and say it's not much fun being the first either . I got married at 22 and first child at 27 and all my social group acted like we were weirdos. I quite often got judgy comments about my choices. I'm 43 and I have friends who are single and childfree, i can see they have much better careers independence and freedom. Nobody's life works out how they think it will .

That has not been my experience, personally. I deliberately made choices around dating, debt, education, kids that put my life on the exact trajectory that I wanted and knew I wanted from an early age. Yes, there are curveballs, but the overall goals remained in my life, personally

I think the whole point of this thread is about how people have planned for that life you talk about and watched it crumble around them with no means to control it. You can plan your life and have everything work out, like you have, or you can plan it out, make those tough choices, and the person you’ve been with for 8 years that you thought you’d be married to and have kids with leaves you out of the blue. Now you’re 30 with a life plan that doesn’t matter anymore (in terms of family of course) and you have to start over.

It is luck. Everyone makes tough choices. I’m glad your plan worked out, but that’s not the same for everyone.

I think the whole point of this thread is about how people have planned for that life you talk about and watched it crumble around them with no means to control it. You can plan your life and have everything work out, like you have, or you can plan it out, make those tough choices, and the person you’ve been with for 8 years that you thought you’d be married to and have kids with leaves you out of the blue. Now you’re 30 with a life plan that doesn’t matter anymore and you have to start over.

Most people can’t plan for a husband cheating on them or a company suddenly folding, nor for life-altering accidents or sudden partner deaths. It’s great that things worked out for people like you and me, but i think it’s very close-minded to imply that there wasn’t an ounce of luck involved. Everything can be going perfectly to plan for some people, and then there is an accident on the way to work that leaves a young wife without her husband (happened to a friend). To imply that she just wasn’t doing enough of the right things to get her life on track after that is really insulting.

Yes I agree with you to a point . I too deliberately got a degree got debt free and travelled. I married and had 2 children. But I've had 2 miscarriages. I've had friends get pregnant as teens and friends a try for 10 years to have a baby and be unsuccessful. I know women who have lost their husbands and been widows at 30. I know a successful lawyer who is now on the benefit after a car accident. "All our choices are half chance " I think we should take responsibility for our actions, we should set goals and work hard BUT acknowledge that luck and circumstances play a role.

Another vote for diving into starting a family head-first and being the first to have their hands unimaginably full. I'm just glad my friends are catching up and starting to see that it really was a lot to manage and that I wasn't absent out of lack of love for them.

I am 48, no kids and getting married next year for the first time. Was it planned? Hell no! While growing up and in my very early 20’s i thought it would be very different from what it is now. I would had at least 2 kids and a Loving husband, living in a nice place we like, dog, cat and a job that I enjoy doing.
It turned out differently for sure. I had my share of relationships behind me and none have been satisfying to me, so I moved on. Also, as much as I wanted kids, I never just wanted anyone as their father. Due to medical issues I knew since my 20’s that I would have difficulties to get pregnant, with my now future husband we tried, but nothing. 2 years ago we gave up on it. For both if us, kids are a gift, not an right.

As for the rest, well, I am retierd since I was around 31, unwillingly, but the goverment gave up kinda. I have other medical issues, but trying my best to do something anyway. We have 4 furfaces and might adopt an adult orphan later on. My social cirkel has been kinda wobbly, due to me changing country in between, but yeah ... My exes have kids, friends have and Yes, I had to explain a lot to others why I do not have kids during the years. I am not sad about it, only annoyed when people just wont stop talking about it and comming with stupid advice.

Oh, the wobbly social circles! But don't worry, because as you've seen, I'm sure, your friends will be glad to hear from you whenever you're able to reach out. Congratulations on finding someone you'd like to marry! I hope you have a wonderful life together <3

I'm 39 and can't have kids, I thought until I was 35 I wanted to get married and really had hoped to settle down, over the last 3 or so years I'm loving my life more than ever, I don't want a man in it and there's nothing that will change that.

This is kind of where I am now. Through my 20’s I was flip-flopping between wanting to be alone forever and wanting a partner. At least right now I am pretty happy with the idea of going solo but it could change. I think if you’re happy and fulfilled it does make you an interesting and attractive person if you do choose to put yourself back on the market. Some people are just looking for a warm body and it’s not a good look!

So glad to hear you're happy! I have three kids but can't have any more, and before I got that news I thought maybe I might try to have as many as I could so that I'd have a great big family in old age. It was a bit difficult to come to terms with but embracing what my life is and being able to say, "Okay, that's set. Now onto the next chapter of my life," is sort of great and I see myself now being able to focus more on my career and friendships, which are wonderful roots for anyone to set down and lead to an equally fulfilling life. Go get it, u/nicoleluvzya! Keep living that best life!

Not sure if this counts, but I was the last to get married, but the first to get divorced. I was young when I was first married, although we were together 3 years beforehand. But I was also the youngest of my closest friends. We all got married roughly around the same age.
I didn't think I would've gotten a divorce growing up. But after getting married at such a young age, later getting a divorce.. I don't regret the experience. It taught me so much about myself and who I never wanted to be or to be with.
I'm still dealing with it, but now I've got a SO who is patient and understanding.

I'm 31 and got engaged 6 months ago. It didn't bother me at all. Both my sister and mother had kids in their mid to late 30's, so I'm not too concerned yet. I focus on my own life and not other peoples. I love the time I have enjoying myself with less responsibility. Most of the people I know that had kids young are broke or in shitty marriages. I chose to wait and not settle.

I'm from a town that had too many teen moms, so i never really thought about it too much. If my best friend got pregnant, I'd support her and be an auntie but I'm not having kids until I'm at least 30. I'm in no hurry, i still need to stop smoking and save more money so kids aren't a huge issue for me. If something happens where i can't have kids, I'll adopt.

lol you sound just like me. I got married recently, and people are already askin about kids. But I grew up rather poor so if I'm going to have kids I wanna make sure they have a really nice setup from the getgo.

So, by the majority of people's standards, I'm nowhere near close to "dying alone" or anything like that. I'm still about 3 years off hitting the average marriage age. But all my friends pretty much graduated uni/high school, tied the knot and started popping out babies.

I'm lonely, but on the whole, I'm happy at the moment. I'm still single – haven't had a serious relationship, and a lot of that is due to a pretty dodgy bout with depression when we didn't really know what that actually was (happily beat that for now!). My friends all tell me they wish they were in my position, but what really grinds my gears is when they start complaining about how they know how hard it is being single long-term. Guys, really? You got hitched SO young; you have NEVER been single long-term unless you're talking about childhood.

The same thing that others have said, too: I do wonder if there's something wrong with me and if I'm just a hideous shebeast destined to die alone with my dog. My mother got married young to a rather abusive guy, then divorced him and married my dad; she's always stressed that it's far more important to make the right match than make the quick match to make others happy (i.e. her parents, who were very conservative).

I should also point out (though it might be obvious to some with how young my friends were when getting married), I'm a Christian, and in the church, marriage is viewed as THE thing to strive for, and if you're not married and popping out babies, do you even exist? (I did find a unicorn of a church in my last town that didn't have that attitude, yay.) But with that happening, I just get gloomy seeing yet another person getting hitched or whatever as it's so celebrated at church and the old ladies go "oh you better get your skates on!" My nana has also been on my case since I was a teenager, desperately trying to marry me off and telling me I was too fat, too opinionated, too Australian (she is not Australian) to be picky. I'm getting better at drowning her out.

But hey. When in doubt, get a dog (or go and force your dog to give you hugs, because naturally you ended up getting the most aloof dog in existence whose preference is to chill alone, not give hugs).

As a Christian, it really tears me up that so many women in the church are pushed toward marriage instead of their spiritual development. We're told in the Bible to wait on God and focus on a relationship with Him before binding ourselves to someone else. Heck, Paul even says that it's good to be single but too many women are push toward marriages that they're not ready for, which end in divorce.

If you're single, maybe God wants you that way for a reason! Maybe there's something you can do now that you wouldn't be able to if you were married.

Keep doing what you're doing and if God intends it for you'll get married. If not, you have your whole life ahead of you.

I'm Australian, Christian, 30 (turned this April) and single. Marriage is hard and being single hard. Just gotta find the church that supports singles and newly weds. I'm glad you did (I did too thank goodness).

I wouldn't say this is me just yet, but all of my close friends are either married or engaged, while I'm in my early thirties and neither.

I do have a long term partner who I would love to marry and have children with, and this is definitely on the cards over the next year or so. We're just about to buy a house together and have held off on everything else to ensure we had the security of a home.

I do feel a pang of envy when my friends announce a pregnancy or an engagement, and part of me feels like I'm being judged for not having done this yet. I usually get a little bit upset and start to panic about time frames and how little time I have left to consider a family. However, I appreciate this is probably more reflective of my concerns and worries that I'm not hitting the same milestones as everybody else.

When I was younger I fell into the trap of following a strict time frame for life events, which nearly led to me being married to the wrong person. I am extra careful now to enjoy each moment I have with my partner, and not just aim for that next big event. I also try to enjoy my friends experiences (such as babies) and learn from them so I'm super ready if the time comes.

I'm the last of my friends that is married without kids. We've been trying and if one more person give me their opinion and how we should proceed, I may exile myself, it's annoying. I tell people to at least have the conversation about kids so you know as soon as possible if you're dealing with infertility, it sucks to talk about but it's worth talking about.
I know it'll be fine if we don't have kids, but it does drive me insane sometimes that everyone is just popping out kids or talking about their kids constantly.

Whatever path we are all on: single, married, divorced children etc it's the one that we were meant to be on just make sure to make the best of it! Pros and cons to every situation.

Lots of prayer and perspective. There is a commitment I have to making the best of the life I am living and being content in all things. Comparing your life to everyone else’s only leads to misery. Be thankful for what you’ve been given. I count my blessing and try to think of the great things I get to experience due to my particular circumstances. That’s how I deal.

I just got out of a 3 year relationship. I'm 30. In my circle, there's only me and one other gal who are single, the rest are married or engaged. Being single used to bother me in my mid 20s, now it doesn't bother me at all. I have a dog, a job I love, friends who care a great deal about me, and interests that keep me busy. One of those interests is working on myself. I implore you or anyone else who is feeling old and alone in their 30s to:

Move to a big city. In metro areas, people generally get hitched later because they're too busy having fun and building their careers (not to mention, home ownership is too expensive to have that as an immediate goal of adulting)

Get a pet. I talk to my dog like a crazy lady and snuggle him when I'm feeling lonely. Cats are way easier to take care of though.

Focus on yourself. Have you ever really thought about what kind of person you want to be? Have you ever thought about why you might feel lonely/stuck/unworthy of love? There are things you can do about that. Meditate, go to therapy, explore your spirituality, journal - figure yourself out. You'll have an easier go at life and when you meet someone you'll be better equipped to have a successful relationship. Are there hobbies or activities that you've always wanted to try? Do it. Do it alone if you need to. It's not as scary as you think. You'll come out of it more confident.

I’ve been wanting to move to a bigger city near me because where I am so many people get married before 26. But it’s so much more expensive and I don’t want to live with roommates, I’d have to get such a good job that it’d be hard.

I hope this doesn't come off as rude but it will never happen if you keep making excuses. I looked for apartments like it was my job and found a tiny bachelor apartment that doesn't break the bank. If you want it, you'll make it work. What's the worst thing that will happen? You'll have to move back? Pretty safe bet, I'd say.

Well I’m not too unhappy where I am now because I lived somewhere else for a long time and hated it. It’s just dating that is hard. But I have so many student loans and haven’t been able to find more than $35k a year yet. I could always just apply and see if I get lucky though.

I’m not married and don’t have kids, I was always undecided about kids but I definitely wanted to get married. I have mixed feelings about being last. First I don’t think I was ready for marriage for multiple reasons, personal growth, the right spouse, career etc, I am lonely and do still want marriage. I stay busy and travel the world is how I deal with it. Lately however I look at my friends and my word a lot of them are not happy. Whether it’s money, their marriage or the stress of kids, they are not happy. The ones who are happy have a SOLID marriage and really married a partner who supports them and is their best friend.

In my friend groups and among my siblings, everyone was expecting me to be first - both because of my personality and the long-term relationship I was in for a lot of my younger years. But, I narrowly avoided marrying that guy, and it ended up being a huge bullet dodged (though I’m still grateful I had that relationship to learn from).

I definitely have moments of wanting to be done with dating, to find my person and just lock everything down, and to have that support there. However, the two LTRs I spent most of my life since high school in (until about 2 years ago) were with people just... not going in the same direction as me. I think I’m happier being single in part because I know who I would’ve married if I weren’t.

To add to things, my friends are lovely, and they make sure I never feel like the odd man out. I’ve never wanted kids, so I am extra happy to be the cool aunt too. And, I live in a big east coast city, so there are plenty of single 30-, 40-, and 50-somethings around at work and among friends of friends. If I were back in Midwest town I grew up in, I’d probably be divorced by now.

I fall into this category I'd say.. I spent alot of time being bitter and acting out, but the things that helped me the most was therapy and getting to know myself. Hiking, having pets, solo travel are also up there with good things to do. Find some friends who are on your same track, too.

Consider that relationships make everything more complicated and families doubly so, so now is the time to have adventures where you won't have to compromise your wants.

Therapy taught me that I wanted a savior, not a partner, and on a deep level I think I knew that wasnt right and so would sort of shut down opportunities for myself.

The relationships I had up through my 20s were all built on this idea so were very unhealthy which also made putting myself out there intimidating.

I know people say that focusing on you is the best way to find someone and I think that's a little simplified. In my experience, it was getting healthy in myself, recognizing bad relationship patterns from my past, and actually removing some toxic people from my life that helped. I decided to live on my own and dig in to who I am and what I want.

And honestly when I did start dating again, I was good about asking for my needs and not sticking around if someone said they wouldn't be able to meet them whereas in the past I would always hold out hope that a person would change because they meet some ideal I had arbitrarily created. That also meant asking for unattached sex if I wanted it, something id always been too shy and self conscious to do. Turns out having standards and holding your boundaries and asking for what you want are critical components to finding a healthy relationship. Who knew!

I've been dating someone for two years now and we are talking about getting engaged. I'm 33 now, 34 soon, so the timeline is starting to stress me a little. I do want kids but I'm frustrated that I may be in my 60s before I know then as somewhat fully formed adults.

He's a good man and we've worked through a lot together. I think that is something else that I had to realize, relationships are work and you really have to be willing to look at your assumptions and find someone who can do the same. In the past, if it wasn't "perfect" I thought it meant we weren't a good fit, but now I see that people are just complicated with hangups and lots of pain to work through and that means most people are operating from their defenses, not their true self.

I hope this helps! Needless to say that there are women who are married with kids who looked at us spinsters and think wow what I would give to be able to just go do yoga when I feel like it or take a weekend trip without having to find a sitter, or get on tinder real quick to check out the people.. where youre at is an exciting place to be, if you think that alot of your story is yet to be written, and you get to decide what that looks like, it may help to shift your perspective. HAVE FUN, and GET TO KNOW THYSELF. : )

NOt sure if this counts because I’m 36, single, childless and more or less loving life.

As a kid myself I always assumed I’d have kids once day until I realised you didn’t have to have them, then my attitude was I wan’t that bothered about having kids but if my partner wanted them I would. And then I realised you didn’t have to have a partner too.

When your friends have kids (mine all do now) you have to do a lot of the work purely from a practical point of view - meeting in a public place with kids takes planning (and a lot of options are out with a kid) so most visits are at theirs (it makes more sense for me to haul butt over to my friends’ places than it does for them to pack up their kids and come to me). And it sucks when you’re friends with both the adults in the family - you don’t really get to hang out with just the adults (unless you’re up for late nights!) - you have to take turns spending time with them.

But even though it can be a pain in the butt I’d say it’s 100% worth it - I absolutely love my friends kids as much as I’d love my own if I had any - I love hanging out and cuddling and playing and chatting with them. They’re just like more friends but tinier and cuter. Definitely worth the extra work!

As for being single - It does get a bit lonely some times but really the only time I even remotely regret being alone is either when I’m watching a scary film or on the occasional weekend/public holiday when I spontaneously want someone to play games with but I haven’t booked ahead and everyone is busy doing family things.

When your friends have kids (mine all do now) you have to do a lot of the work purely from a practical point of view - meeting in a public place with kids takes planning (and a lot of options are out with a kid) so most visits are at theirs it makes more sense for me to haul butt over to my friends’ places than it does for them to pack up their kids and come to me. And it sucks when you’re friends with both the adults in the family - you don’t really get to hang out with just the adults (unless you’re up for late nights!) - you have to take turns spending time with them.

I'm 39 and I've been partnered for 3+ years but am not married. I know my friends who are married with kids aren't all in cookie cutter perfect marriages, I've had good friends get divorced or be unhappy in their marriages. I see some people are very happy and successfully partnered, but most have been through hard times and managed to make it through by the skin of their teeth. Partnering with someone is a mix of finding someone you like and the choice of both partners to accept things they dont like about the other, and the happenstance of life throwing difficulties at some and narrowly avoiding others. I don't romanticize it. In my current partnership I know I benefit from the affection and love and his infectious energy for life but I also struggle to maintain autonomy, we struggle and we are working at communicating better, and my inner critic is constantly telling me this is not going to work out for me. It's luck that we met, it's not because I'm a better person than I was the week before. Nothing is better about me as a partnered person than as a single one. If we broke up tomorrow it wouldn't be because i don't deserve love but because this individual and I aren't a good match for each other anymore. Love yourself as you are, build your capacity for self compassion.

It’s freeing knowing I’ve made the choice just not to get married or have children. Don’t ever think you’re going to be alone or when you’re old have no one around, there are always pets/family/friends 🙂

I was the first to have a kid (at 24) out of 8 of us. I am the only one still not married at age 33. I am not with my sons father anymore, but I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, which is longer than some of my married friend have been with their now-husbands.

The thing that I find tough about it is really that I've known my boyfriend is the one I want to marry and spend my life with for years now. I know he feels the same about me. The only thing stopping us is money. We don't even have enough for the engagement ring, let alone a wedding. The fact that the only thing stopping me from being this amazing mans wife is something as stupid as money infuriates me. Id marry him with no guests in attendance while wearing a garbage bag if needs be, but he wants to "do it right" (frugally, but right) and have family and friends around and to give me a day to remember, because he says I deserve it. I love him for that.

It's probably all in my head, but I feel like others don't see our relationship as serious as those who are engaged or married. This bothers me less than the money issue, but it still bothers me a bit. I want people to know how much we love each other. I want to shout it from the rooftops.

I'm dealing with it by just carrying on. I'm not going anywhere. Even if it takes us another 10 years to get married, he is it for me. I use it as motivation to try to get a better job, save money etc. Married or not, I know how lucky I am to have even found my person.

I was in 6 weddings in one year, 4 of my closest friends had their kids within the same year. I had no one left to hang out with, they were all buying houses, being wives and playing with babies. It was so horrible I was hospitalized with severe depression.

I went to therapy regularly, started on medication and started figuring out things on my own. Bought a house by myself, weened myself of SSRis and now I’m getting married October 12th 2019 at age 30.

Only advice I have is say fuck it and do what makes you happy, with that something/someone will come along.

I was engaged to be married at 19 and thought I was incredibly lucky, and well, that obviously didn't work out. After that I struggled to get back into a relationship. I had been with ex-fiance for 5 years and he was from my home country so we really 'got' each other, and it was really difficult trying to find that same connection overseas.

During the next 5 years when I was single or in short term relationships, my whole work friend group met their husbands and married. They did their best, but honestly I went to so many gatherings in which everyone had an SO but me, I began distancing myself from the group and even from work. It was an incredibly lonely series of years. I'm friendly and outgoing and had no lack of friends, but I've always known that I'd be happiest in a happy marriage.

Eventually I decided to quit my job and move somewhere else, planned my move to a different state, gave my notice... And bada boom, up pops current boyfriend and possible future husband, sleeping next to me right now. Honestly, I was kind of mad. He had terrible timing.

I didn't have a traditional "social circle" growing up, Dad was Navy so we moved a lot. Landed in a smaller town when he retired, and I never cared for the church girls who were my peers and whom my parents expected me to bond with. Nope. I did my own thing. I did join the Navy too, so my "social circle" was in constant flux. I did have a moment of panic at age 25, and married someone who asked. Turns out he wanted me to be both breadwinner and housekeeper, with separate bedrooms so he could "do his business" in my bed, but sleep in his. Nope.

I unexpectedly fell in love at 30, married, failed to have kids, but led a loving charmed life for 31 years. He died from lung cancer just as unexpectedly. Now I'm learning how to widow. It is weird.

I think the expectations of finding someone, marrying, and having kids because that is what is expected is a heavy burden. It is difficult to step away and say "screw that. I have another type of life to live". Why force yourself into society's box? Find a partner because someone clicks, and you two want to be together, not because you "should". Marry because you want to and it makes sense, not because your Barbie had a dream wedding when you were seven. Create new human life not because that's what couples do and your mom wants a grandchild, not because you want a cute creature to dress up and post on Instagram, not because it expresses your love, nor because you think your DNA is awesome. That all is trash. Create a new person because you want to bestow the gift of living in an amazing world to another human.

Just because all your friends followed one path doesn't mean you need to, and you certainly do not need to feel inadequate or less if that is not your path. Do it because that's what you want to do, and you have found a like minded person to share that path with you.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I otherwise fulfilled in my life. But my friends in long-term relationships/marriages also have their finances sorted and also work jobs they enjoy and are also pretty so being single can suck but it also sucks more because it's just one of a long list of things that I perceive as being wrong with me/that I compare myself to others on.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I otherwise fulfilled in my life. But my friends in long-term relationships/marriages also have their finances sorted and also work jobs they enjoy and are also pretty so being single can suck but it also sucks more because it's just one of a long list of things that I perceive as being wrong with me.

Ughhhh yes I know what you mean. Like sure it could be fun to be single but I can’t afford to take some wild trip. Or if I could afford to live on my own at least I’d feel like an adult. Or if I was doing really well in a career, it’s not as bad to be single. Or if I had a bunch of great friends around at least. But I really really feel like I have a bit less compared to everyone around me. Why am I the one in the family doing the worst? Why do I have to wait so much longer to be loved??

I'm nearing 30. Almost everyone I went to high school with is married and has kids now, but I'm honestly fine with having neither. I am just now getting to an age where I would even be comfortable getting engaged - I've always been wary of how much we change and mature in our twenties and even our thirties and beyond, and have never wanted to get married before I felt like I had a good handle on who I am. As far as kids go, I've gone from being on the fence to being absolute terrified to have them due to climate change, so I'm also really glad I didn't rush into anything before that view solidified.

I wasn't the last one to get married but I will be the last one to have kids (never). I don't struggle at all, when people ask I have plenty of reasons to give them if I feel like being snarky and if I am being polite I kindly tell them that it isn't any of their fucking business :)

I kept busy. I took all kinds of opportunities to work overseas and travel. I started making younger friends with people who were in the same stage of life. I think I spent a lot of time avoiding thinking about it... Once I hit 34, I decided very certainly that I wanted a partner and the family life. I moved back to my home country, moved to a big city and spent a lot of time online dating. I met my partner at my new job. He's also younger than me.

We got married last year. I was the last of my friend group and he was the first of his. Definitely harder to do bachelorette parties when your friends all have kids and live faraway. Everyone was happy for me but it felt weird to ask these friends with young kids to travel 6 hours to come to my wedding so we did it very small.
We will have a baby at the end of this summer. This is when I've been so grateful for my more experienced friends. Not only have I inherited all their baby stuff but also a lot of experience and support.

Do i feel like I've "caught up" now that I'm married and gonna have a kid? Not really... Most of them are nearly done paying their mortgages while we are a year into ours. They have independent kids now where I still have years of chasing. I've come to realize once you hit one target, someone will point out another...

I guess I spent these last 12 years or so just knowing I had chosen a different path than them. I invested in the friendships that invested in me and I let go of ones where I was doing all the effort. I worked hard to stay positive and open. And honestly, even though I'm the last person in my friend group to get married/have kids, I'm so grateful for all the adventure, friends and experiences Ive had over the decade. I can't wait to tell my son all about how his crazy ma spent her 20s and 30s.

I'm a woman who still hasn't had kids but I'm the last in my social group. I don't mind, I get to be auntie hampster and hang out and babysit and fill them full of energy drinks and candy before I bring them back. The best part is that I have time to figure my life out for myself before I decide to do that stuff.

Ooooh this is me! I’ve come to accept that I will be the cool aunt (to my mates kids) thats travels around the globe, has crazy stories to tell and always has the nicest things (since I dont have to blow my dosh on kids)

I'm not like older older [26].
But growing up I always imagined being married by now and I had this weird expectation that I would have kids around the age of 28. (I thought it was a good number). I just got out of a 5 year relationship- thought I was going to marry my best friend- but he broke it off because he came to realize that he is gay.

We started dating when I was 21.... so now I'm just sleeping around like I am 21. My FB feed is all about how every one is getting married and having kids and I'm just over here like "I want a dog, more tattoos and a nicer car."

Granted I no longer wants kids and even if I did, where I'm at in life now- I probably wouldn't have any anyway because I personally don't like the idea of having children later in life.

For me, the situation never arose and there was nothing to deal with. I'm unmarried and child-free and so are all my friends. The few who did the marriage-and-babies thing tend to avoid me these days, because I'm no longer one of their tribe, which I'm fine with - few things bore me more than women with kids, because all they ever talk about are their kids. The single and the child-free are much better company and far more interesting, imho.

To be rational: Our mission in life isn’t to get married and have kids. It isn’t the be-all-end-all of existence. There is no requirement to marry and reproduce. Having kids, especially, seems to be less and less popular on a national scale.

Honestly, my mom has 3 failed marriages behind her and I don't really believe in marriage anymore. I have a guy who calls me his wife and that's good enough for me. We may or may not get married but if we do we're not going to make a big deal out of it. It can happen or not happen, I don't really care. The only reason I can see for doing it is for legal type stuff.

Gratefully. Now that I have a husband and baby (at 38) I am so grateful I spent my "youth" with the freedom to make mistakes and learn and grow so I appreciate what I have now and to be sure it's what I really want

I was 33 when I met my husband. We married when I was 34. Most of my friends had already been married 10 years or so and had 2 or more kids. Some friends were already on husband 2 or 3. My husband and I don’t want kids. I think I always knew that was my stance, but when I was younger I just thought it was what I was supposed to do. So throughout my 20s I was in a couple long term relationships and tried to picture myself having kids with those guys and it always freaked me out. Once I saw my friends struggling with kids, whether it was behavior issues, money, or just time for themselves, I realized it was not for me. So in a way seeing all my friends have kids helped me realize I never wanted them. Even though I love my friends kids and enjoy spending time with them, I was always happy to go home to a clean, quiet house lol.

I had my Masters by 23 and focused on career and travel and mostly enjoyed being single during the years between relationships. When I finally met my husband I knew right away he was the one. We are more financially stable than most of our friends our age, we have traveled quite a bit more as well (some of that due to him previously being in the military and we were stationed overseas), and we have date nights whenever we want. I think the only thing that really sucked being single in my 20s was wanting to hang out with my good friends and them either not having time due to their kids, or me being the 3rd wheel hanging out with just them and their husbands. Now that I have been married a few years, it’s hard to find other childfree couples to have date nights with so we mostly just hang out with each other. We don’t live near any of my best friends so visits are few and far between, but we are happy where we are.

I think there are certain things you can plan for in life, and others that you don’t expect. But everything really does seem to workout for a reason! I lost jobs and lost boyfriends and at the time I always thought it was terrible then came to realize it was always for the best. When I met my husband I was working in a job I absolutely hated. The salary was good, but I hated going to work every day and when we got engaged and moved to another state, it was an easy out for me to quit. Now we are living in his hometown and I found a job right away that I really enjoy. So here I am at almost 38 and feel like I finally have life figured out. :)

I'm only 24 but I had planned to be married with first kid by now. The way my life has gone, I've realized I won't have a kid till 28-30. One of my best friends is 23 with her second on the way and been married four years. It's hard because all I've ever wanted was kids but I wonder if it will happen at all at this point. I'm a lesbian so it's not as easy as just getting knocked up by bf. I deal with it by realizing I have other things I gotta do first and then can have a kid forever. But right now I got some child free shit to do.

Already planning on it! My partner and I don't have the home and space for it quite yet (no spare bedroom), but that is definitely the plan when we move next year. I plan to adopt a smaller sibling group and my gf and I will each have one kid with the same donor as well eventually. Problem is I honestly am not sure about forming a family with my partner. We have very different views of parenting and is scares me and that's one of the main reasons I feel like it's just not gonna happen to me.

That's fine. It's normal to have different views of parenting. You just have to find a middle ground. And if you still think it's not a good idea it's ok too. You're young, there's plenty of time for you to find the right moment for it.

I focused on building a career in my 20s, which looking back was good for my future and earning potential, but it definitely hurt my romantic prospects. At 32 I met my partner. My priorities are shifting to the exact things that annoyed me about my married or coupled-up friends - their relationships, family over everything else.

Not exactly an answer to your question, but I was never getting married. I was a bridesmaid several times but never felt the pressure to get married. Or have children. Married at 33. 19 years and two teenage boys later, I know it happened at the right time with the right person.

As someone who never had kids or marriage in my personal agenda, I’ve watch a lot of my people get hitched and breed and id say 75% of them have crashed and burned. Either too young, or not making these commitments for the right reasons (parents wanted them to marry, pressure from moms to have grandkids, etc). I’m glad i held out based on my observations. Learning that I’m not a failure for choosing not to procreate, in the face of “you will want them one day” or “you say that now, but your mind will change” was tough when i was young. Now, i giggle about how ridiculous it all was.... (i did end up marrying, at 35, and was so glad we court housed it, didn’t go into debt for a big she-bang, and never settled for someone because of pressure to “settle down because I was getting old”).

I argued a lot with God, but ultimately got the best husband, at age 48. I had to work out all of my personality flaws first, for 20 years, in order to be a person capable of being in a long standing relationship, I see that now. He had his stuff to work out too. We’ve just celebrated our 9 year anniversary, only 41 more to go!

I’m 32, recently engaged but not yet married or have any kids. All of my friends are married and have kids. The hardest thing for me are the expectations I have for myself and then on top of that the expectations others put on me. A few of my friends went through IVF and are hyper sensitive for people to try to get pregnant immediately so I’m often told “what are you waiting for?” “You’re not getting any younger” “you’re 32 and you don’t have kids yet, you have to try cause you’re at a risky age” I hear all that and just feel pretty shitty about myself. My fiancé didn’t want to get married until later and wants to have kids later on in life. A part of me feels resentful and my fiancé has a bit of a disorder where he can’t feel compassion or empathy well, so he doesn’t understand why I get sad when people pressure me about marriage or kids. I have a great job and have accomplished a lot because I’ve been alone for most of my life, I try to tell myself that to feel better but honestly, everyday is a challenge. Especially with Mother’s Day coming up....and I’m always the childless aunt...

I guess that's me right now! All my friends have been married for years and are all just starting to have babies now. I just got engaged in December to my fiance. I felt veeeery behind in life because I always thought I would be married at least two years ago. I still feel behind because I won't be having kids for a few more years as well. It's hard at times and you want to rush but I'm thankful that I am not because honestly (and bad to say) when I'm getting married I know a few of them will probably be getting their first divorce.

I had to get another social circle. I got married at 30 - not “old” - but I come from an immigrant community where many people marry around 20, 21. All of my friends and cousins were married with kids and single family homes by 25. There isn’t anything wrong with their pace or my pace, or the pace of someone who marries later. But I needed some perspective so I did some moving around and diversified my social circle. I did sometimes feel sad because I knew that my family felt very bad for me, worried. But I had to trust that I was doing fulfilling things in my life.

I got married at 40 but have two girl friends who still aren’t married. I grew up in a place where people married young (early 20s) and my siblings were all married by 26. Though- I’ve sense moved to cities where folks marry later in life

I never really wanted to get married or have kids younger so it didn’t really bother me. My friends didn’t pressure me and neither did my parents (my dad always called me the smart one for not doing it lol). It wasn’t until I got to be around 35, tried to have a baby w my fiancé at the time and then broke off that engagement that I started to feel anxiety. Anxiety bc I knew it’d take a few more years to find/marry/have a baby with someone else. I did find someone else but the baby thing didn’t happen.

But yeah- I guess I was lucky in that I had no pressure from anyone- like never a question on it from my parents- and that I was resolute I’m wanting to love my life to the fullest before settling down.

I was married fairly young, 24, and divorced 5 years later. It was not a good relationship and I was very happy to be single and made many friends in my early 30s that were also single. The last one married in December and is expecting a baby later this year. I keep up with those that I was truly close to and the conversations do revolve around kids but that’s their life. It gets awkward when they ask about mine so I do my best to avoid it, make jokes, etc. I did go off social media last July to avoid the overall constant comparisons with others which has been helpful. I’d say the most dangerous thing about being single and older if you don’t live close to friends and family is just the lack of accountability. It’s a weird thing about our society that many of us move away from small towns to big cities with the intent of finding people we connect with but I do think we risk losing a community dynamic that kept us healthy.

I'm the second to last among my friends to get married. We'll get to the still-unmarried one later.

Honestly, it was kinda bullshit. I was dating a lot and the number of people I dated was embarrassing. Not because of the 'number', but that I'd considered a future with that many people and it all came up no, a lot on the others'side. I couldn't really talk about it to my friends because they'd worry about what was wrong with me that I found it so hard to find someone. Especially since they all found their partner so easily.

I was mostly just doing things I liked, but it hurt being single in all the social events. When I'd complain to my married friends, they would say 'marriage isn't easy either'. But they didn't understand the profound loneliness I had, where I didn't have anyone to bear witness to my life.

At several points I just wanted to quit trying to find a partner and just focus on my life, but my friends convinced me each time to stick with it, or tried setting me up with someone. Being set up was my nightmare. I just never clicked with anyone and then there was the added pain of having to tell my friends it didn't work out, and then they would ask for details and then judge me for doing things differently than they did.

When I finally found my husband, I kept him a secret for a long time because I didn't want their thoughts about what an ideal partner should be like to affect my thoughts on the matter. I just had been saying or getting no for so long, I just wanted to pause and see what I liked and what I wanted.

Now as for my still single friend. I don't ever bring up her dating life unless she does. She's happy with work and travel, but there's times when she gets really jealous of me being married, and it manifests in ways that betray that she thinks I don't deserve it and/or she's been cheated out of having such a life herself. There's been no aggression to my face so we're still friends, but she's expressed to other friends that she's annoyed I found someone when she's much prettier, funner, smarter and richer and still single. Which, first of all is a toxic af attitude. And second of all, I treated dating like a second job, ate up a lot of rejection and disappointment, and tried new things and met new people, and all that effort led me to recognize the right person when I met him.

So I recognize her resentment and anger, but when you get into that kind of scarcity mentality and gross lack of self awareness, fewer good things happen to you. So if you're the last single woman you know, my advice is to do whatever it takes to put yourself realistically in the mindset of "I'm alright, I'm happy, I'll get the things I need if I put in some work'.

Yeah that floating ungrounded feeling is something that everyone seems to downplay, or just never talk about. As humans, we need other people around us and have someone understand us at a deep level. All the alternatives the "ideal" single person life suggests, like charity or travel isn't going to help you deal with it, and no one seems to acknowledge that.

I got married at 18 and tried to start a family at 20. Everyone thought I was crazy. In reality I was in an awful, toxic relationship. I got divorced at 24.

I'm now almost 31 and a LOT of friends my age or younger are getting married and having kids and I thought I'd be done with all that by now. Instead I'm engaged again with no plans for children or even a wedding within the next decade.

It's weird, but I'm in a healthier place than I've ever been in, so I like to think I'm making the right choices these days.

I met my spuse of 19 years when we were in our 40s. The 2 years before we met I managed to carve out a really satisfying life for myself. I did believe at that time that "love" was a delusion that people had been brainwashed into believing. Then, of course, I fell in love. Still, if this relationship ended, I would never enter another relationship. They are really hard and require a great deal of compromise and everyone's communication style is different so it takes time to be heard and this creates problems. I would be just as happy single, with a different set of problems and struggles. So, in my opinion, neither is perfect. People are weird, including you/me and a relationship is difficult because their weirdness is harder to handle than your own weirdness. Love can help, but it's not a constant. It waxes and wanes throughout a relationship depending on outside stresses and relationship stresses. The same with your and their commitment to the relationship and to changing behaviors that are problematic. That also waxes and wanes. It's not the perfection or the answer you see represented. Somtimes, people stay in long term relationships and are miserable because they can't face being alone. Sometimes, they stopped having sex a decade ago. You can never tell from the outside what goes on inside a marriage, so don't believe that they provide peace and love and sex and support for the rest of your life. You should actually do that for yourself, and hopefully, one day you'll find a weirdo who is also doing that for themselves and you two oddballs can manage to cobble together a weird but loving relationship.

I got remarried in my mid thirties and I was 36 when we adopted our son. I'd wanted to be a mother for a very long time. Although I do wish I'd been in step with my friends so we could go through the motherhood phases together, it hasn't really been a problem in any other way. I don't feel like there's anything to deal with, y'know?