Faux festival wear: Fly your corporate flag

Updated 3:16 pm, Friday, May 2, 2014

Photo: Jonathan Leibson / Getty, Getty Images For Samsung

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In case you missed it, we poked fun at a few of the style trends dominating Coachella 2014. Click through the gallery to see some of the elements that define today's festival fashion for better or worse.

Pictured: Actress Emily Rossum, in garland and jean jacket, at Coachella in April.

In case you missed it, we poked fun at a few of the style trends dominating Coachella 2014. Click through the gallery to see some of the elements that define today's festival fashion for better or worse. ... more

Photo: Jonathan Leibson / Getty, Getty Images For Samsung

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No pants

Currently, the No. 1 way to get attention at a music festival is to wear no pants. Which is fine, but if it's now the norm, doesn't that mean wearing pants is now cooler?

No pants

Currently, the No. 1 way to get attention at a music festival is to wear no pants. Which is fine, but if it's now the norm, doesn't that mean wearing pants is now cooler?

Photo: Matt Cowan

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We don't think this is a dress, so we're calling it no pants.

We don't think this is a dress, so we're calling it no pants.

Photo: Christopher Polk

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She's presumably carrying some pants in that bag.

She's presumably carrying some pants in that bag.

Photo: Frazer Harrison

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We're honestly most concerned about the hot feet in this one.

We're honestly most concerned about the hot feet in this one.

Photo: Mark Davis

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No pants, done correctly.

No pants, done correctly.

Photo: Frazer Harrison

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We'll never understand the no-pants/cowboy boots combo. Because you can't ride a horse with no pants.

We'll never understand the no-pants/cowboy boots combo. Because you can't ride a horse with no pants.

Photo: Jason Kempin

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No pants AND a fuzzy hat - almost enough. But it needs more body paint.

No pants AND a fuzzy hat - almost enough. But it needs more body paint.

Photo: Matt Cowan

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Yet another pantsless-fuzzy combo. Which brings us to our next category:

Yet another pantsless-fuzzy combo. Which brings us to our next category:

Photo: Christopher Polk

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Fuzzy things

Fuzzy hats used to be the most obvious choice.

Fuzzy things

Fuzzy hats used to be the most obvious choice.

Photo: JOE KLAMAR, AFP/Getty Images

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Fuzzy everything is definitely a good option.

Fuzzy everything is definitely a good option.

Photo: Christopher Polk

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You don't always want fuzzy things on your head or legs. Who said they can't be placed in between?

You don't always want fuzzy things on your head or legs. Who said they can't be placed in between?

Photo: Matt Cowan

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We don't advise leaving the belly un-fuzzied.

We don't advise leaving the belly un-fuzzied.

Photo: Matt Cowan

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What are these fuzzies protecting themselves from?

What are these fuzzies protecting themselves from?

Photo: Matt Cowan

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Hula hoops

If you're going to go with fuzzy legs, you might want to bring a prop. But we think hula hoops are overdone. A purple chainsaw would be more entertaining.

Hula hoops

If you're going to go with fuzzy legs, you might want to bring a prop. But we think hula hoops are overdone. A purple chainsaw would be more entertaining.

Photo: Christopher Polk

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Although, hula hoops are great if you're going to get really drunk and need some way to knock people over.

Although, hula hoops are great if you're going to get really drunk and need some way to knock people over.

Photo: Jason Kempin

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And, it is hard to frame yourself for a photo using a chainsaw. You'd probably need two or three chainsaws.

And, it is hard to frame yourself for a photo using a chainsaw. You'd probably need two or three chainsaws.

Photo: Katie Stratton

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'Native American' headdresses

What? Are people still doing this?

'Native American' headdresses

What? Are people still doing this?

Photo: Frazer Harrison

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Yep, that looks perfect on you.

Yep, that looks perfect on you.

Photo: Imeh Akpanudosen

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This dude is stealing the show with his "Party like a Rockstar" trucker hat.

This dude is stealing the show with his "Party like a Rockstar" trucker hat.

Photo: Gaelle Beri, Getty Images

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Creepy giant disembodied heads

We need to get these for the office.

Creepy giant disembodied heads

We need to get these for the office.

Photo: Frazer Harrison

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You don't even have to put the creepy head on a stick if you don't want to.

You don't even have to put the creepy head on a stick if you don't want to.

Photo: Kevin Winter

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Creepy dog head in a Pharrell hat.

Creepy dog head in a Pharrell hat.

Photo: Mark Davis

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This is by far the best creepy head of them all. And, one thing about cutout disembodied heads, they are great for posing with in the selfie mirror.

What's that? Just keep clicking.

This is by far the best creepy head of them all. And, one thing about cutout disembodied heads, they are great for posing with in the selfie mirror.

What's that? Just keep clicking.

Photo: Frazer Harrison

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Selfies

It's just like what you do in your bathroom, or in elevators, only everyone else gets to witness it.

Selfies

It's just like what you do in your bathroom, or in elevators, only everyone else gets to witness it.

Photo: Matt Cowan

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More from the selfie mirror.

More from the selfie mirror.

Photo: Matt Cowan

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This is our favorite use of the selfie mirror.

This is our favorite use of the selfie mirror.

Photo: Matt Cowan

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Matching your date

Matchy-matchy couples done wrong.

Matching your date

Matchy-matchy couples done wrong.

Photo: Katie Stratton

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Matchy-matchy couples done right. The kitten tank is what pushes it over the edge.

Matchy-matchy couples done right. The kitten tank is what pushes it over the edge.

Photo: Mark Davis

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Inappropriate cover-ups

If you want to really turn heads at a festival, just cover up the wrong body parts.

Inappropriate cover-ups

If you want to really turn heads at a festival, just cover up the wrong body parts.

Photo: Gaelle Beri, Getty Images

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Maybe this face cover could become pants?

Maybe this face cover could become pants?

Photo: Gaelle Beri, Getty Images

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Flowers, floppy hats and other boring cliches

We thought flowers went the way of the Native American headdress. Meaning, we thought people would stop wearing them to festivals in 2014. Oh, well.

Flowers, floppy hats and other boring cliches

We thought flowers went the way of the Native American headdress. Meaning, we thought people would stop wearing them to festivals in 2014. Oh, well.

Photo: Frazer Harrison

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We're just getting tired of the flowers, that's all.

We're just getting tired of the flowers, that's all.

Photo: Frazer Harrison

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The same could be said for fringe, cutoff shorts and crop tops.

The same could be said for fringe, cutoff shorts and crop tops.

Photo: Gaelle Beri, Getty Images

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Flowers on a pole. Now that's something you don't see as often.

Flowers on a pole. Now that's something you don't see as often.

Photo: Christopher Polk

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At least the ubiquitous floppy hat is functional.

At least the ubiquitous floppy hat is functional.

Photo: Matt Cowan

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Floral headbands, however, do not offer shade.

Floral headbands, however, do not offer shade.

Photo: Jason Kempin

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Floppy hats, flower wreaths and pajama pants make for a confusing ensemble.

Floppy hats, flower wreaths and pajama pants make for a confusing ensemble.

Photo: Imeh Akpanudosen

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Even the wearer is bored with the floppy hat.

Even the wearer is bored with the floppy hat.

Photo: Imeh Akpanudosen

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She doesn't seem to be regretting the leather shorts yet. But regret is on the way.

She doesn't seem to be regretting the leather shorts yet. But regret is on the way.

Remember to jot a few notes down for when you wake up the next morning wondering what the heck happened to you.

Remember to jot a few notes down for when you wake up the next morning wondering what the heck happened to you.

Photo: Christopher Polk

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Faux festival wear: Fly your corporate flag

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A scroll through recent festival slide- shows raises the question: Have music festivals lost their souls, and has so-called festival fashion stolen the show? Walk by Forever 21, or any similar fast-fashion outlet, and you'll see we're entrenched in a newly invented retail season with pseudo-hippies as the poster child.

Although each multiday gathering is known for its wardrobe eccentricities, the general aesthetic indicates a firm nostalgia for the eras that informed the original crochet dresses, beaded necklaces and flower garlands.

How did something that started so cool - so real, man - turn into a retail circus completely removed from reality? If the festival mantra is "Wear whatever you want!," is it truly possible that every flower child wannabe wants to wear denim booty shorts, a tribal-print cut-off tank (don't forget the fringe!) and ankle booties? Escapism at its finest has degenerated to consumerism at its weakest.

At Coachella, for instance, even a "best of" slideshow showed a lack of practicality and almost comical predictability. The American Indian headdresses and American flags are mostly, finally out, but diaper-size drawers moonlighting as bottoms were in full force, as were various incarnations of see-through maxis and piles of accessories that can't be comfortable in unforgiving desert heat. (See: gladiator sandals.)

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And if that look was a size too small, you were free to embark on the so-called Coachella Diet. Naturally, it had its own Twitter handle. A tweet summarized the aesthetic: "Just purchased size 0 jean shorts, a teeny bikini & an Indian headdress. Just need to fit in any of this by Friday #coachella #coachelladiet."

Festival season is just starting - BottleRock at the end of the month in Napa, Outside Lands in Golden Gate Park in August - so brace yourself for the corporate marketing onslaught. Consider recent reports that otherwise unemployed celebrities are banking up to $20,000 just to be spotted attending certain festivals, or the legions of public-relations pitches sent to the average style journalist touting, for example, "Vanessa Hudgens' actual 2013 Coachella outfit" and "a beauty packing list" that includes pore-cleansing strips.

And speaking of Coachella, other e-mails reminded us that the festival is "equally as famous for its concertgoers' fashion as its music" and that "it's time to lock down your festival worthy outfit so you attract all the street style photographers in attendance."

H&M and Alexander Wang even chose a co-hosted Coachella party as the forum to announce an upcoming collaboration. Clearly, brands and marketers have noticed that festivalgoers care about more than just the music.

Despite a carefree affect, it's pretty clear that nowadays, many of those attending festivals care very much, indeed.