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41 comments on “birthday boy”

I lost my beautuful wife on Christmas Day 2013 after being together for seventy years,
I wrote this poem.

A PAIR, MINUS ONE
.
WE WERE SO IN LOVE,OUR SPIRITS ENTWINED
WE FACED THE WORLD WITH A SMILE
WE CHASED OUR DREAM,AND CAUGHT SOME TOO
OUR FUTURE SO DEFINED
THEN YOU DIED, LEAVING ME TO CRY
A SHADOW PASSED OVER THE SUN
BUT NOW YOUV’E GONE,WERE STILL A PAIR
A PAIR ,BUT MINUS ONE.

Dearest Ben, I have been following your blog for a while after seeing your heartfelt interview on BBC Breakfast. I have never commented before because, as beautifully as you write, your pain tugs at my own heart too much, which I feel selfishly terrible about, as I am not bereaved nor have I suffered such a tragedy. I think it’s maybe because were it not for your tragedy our lives would be a mirror image. I am black, my husband is white, we are from London and our little boy also shares his birthday with your son. He is one today. I look at your family photos and they could be easily mine. I cannot even begin to know how you feel and just the thought of my husband being in your position or vice versa fills me with such sadness, especially today on such a special occasion. I wish you well in the future and for you and your son’s journey through life to be as happy, full of love and fun that it can be. Sending you a big virtual hug. x

Dearest Ben, I have been following your blog for a while, since I saw your heartfelt interview on BBC Breakfast. I have never commented before, because although you write beautifully and share such interesting insights about grief and loss, your words tug on my heart too much, which I feel terrible about because I am not bereaved nor have I suffered such tragedy. If it were not for your tragedy, our lives would be exactly mirrored. I look at your photos and they could be mine. Our little boys even have the same birthday. Today, my son is one. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through and if I allow myself to think of my husband in your position, I simply can’t. I wish you and your little man the best of everything and I hope your journey through life together will be as happy, full of love and fun that it can be. Sending a virtual hug to you both on this special day. x

Wonderfully written and yet again, you prove what an amazing inspiration you are for your son. Big hugs of strength for you today, if going by my own experience, it’;s a tough one! And of course, Happy Birthday Jackson!!

Big happy birthday Jackson, am loving the shower cap !! Have written on here many times as I guide my girls through the loss of their daddy 18mths ago. Believe me you will treasure these memories and moments your daddy has written for you as you get older. As my girls say my daddy made simple beautiful…. Sending love and cuddles from us poms in Australia have the best birthday xxx

You have such a way with words, tears are running down my face, many happy returns to your lovely little boy Jackson! what a special little boy you and Desreen created together. I am sure Desreen is looking down with a big beaming smile and she is in every part of your life even though she is not here in person to share this special time! Xx

Ben i believe you are one of those gifted people never lost for words or a poem. Just beautiful. This for me is as beautiful as the tribute you wrote for your wife. Happy Birthday Jackson..,,you have a special Dad.

This is an incredible message from a father to a son, many hugs to you and Jackson today as you celebrate what is likely a very bittersweet day. My heart breaks over your story, thank you for sharing it with this community.

You make me cry but that’s so Gud. I miss my husband so much x we will c them again I know we will. Big hug to you and your son, your strength keeps me going and u put down on paper exactly how I feel x Jah bless u

Death. Sickness. Accidents. Relationship. Retrenchment.
All cause grief and no one deals with grief in a similar way.
One can go from Godly to Godless in times of grief.

The hole that is left in my heart is different than the whole
that is in my mom, sisters, aunts, uncles…
Plus, losing a breadwinner is painful.
(I will not understand the hardship my mom went thru to make ends meet after that)

Anger. Hatred. Confusion. Bitterness. Empty. Put all the negative emotions in the world….
I’ve felt everything and all those emotions struck me even harder when some accused me of
‘killing’ him.
After 13 years i still couldn’t answer how i dealt with grief.
I always say, God is helping me but what if an atheist/non believer asked that question?

Here’s my answer…
I never dealt with it but I learn to live with it and still learning control my tears/emotions because every single thing in life reminds me of him.
I do not want the hole in my heart to be closed because if it’s closed, I could ‘lose’ him.
I still need that grief in my heart but in a positive way to remind me of how much i love him
and miss him.
Even Jesus grieved when Lazarus died.

After 13 years, i no longer ask “why did he go so soon?” Or “why did he die the day after my birthday?””why this?” “Why that?” but the question that i always asked myself after he left has always been “what if dad….”. That question is haunting.

Time will not heal but be careful not to let loneliness eats us.
Loneliness, crisis and trauma are the result of grief.
Feeling horrible, miserable, hopeless, suicidal.
If we have those, quickly get help.
I thank God for for bringing back my sanity and I quickly contacted someone for help when wanted to commit suicide.
Well, I am still traumatised by birthdays and phone calls from family members even now.
I fear weddings because I do not my spouse to be left wifeless, my children to be left motherless and feel the way I felt if i died earlier than them.
Those are the issues I need to deal with.

I live to tell my story and that is my life’s purpose.
I tell my story to students and each time I did, I became stronger.
I began to understand my purpose.
It’s not about me but it’s all about the lives that I could touch through my story.
I believe that I am one of the happiest grieving daughters in the world now but I do not want any child to go through what I went through.
I went through it with my church friends, uni mates and not with my family.

Dear wives, husbands, dads, moms, brothers, sisters, aunties, uncles, grandmas, grandpas, cousins, you are responsible to hold each others’ hands in times of grief and when one of you falls, not only you have one hand pulling you up but all the hands of your families.
I did not have any and it hurts.

It took me 11 years to realise how self centered was and that my family members are also grieving and need support so I offered my hand first. Today, we have each other’s hands ready to pull each other up.It’s never too late to offer our hands as long as we have a willing heart and as long as we admit that we need help.

Always take care of yourself before taking care of others.
Hiding grief with a smile doesn’t work all the time.
It could slowly kill us from the inside out.
Guard your heart.

This is such a beautiful poem
Thank you for sharing
I have only recently started following your blog and can relate to so much of what you write. I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly in September 2014
My life was blown apart in a second and I was left to bring up our four babies alone. My youngest was only 9 months at the time my twins were 4 and their first day of full time school and my eldest just 8.
I will never understand why our lives took this path, but what I do know is that my children were and continue to be my complete survivals.
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. I look forward to reading your book
Katie x