Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Dress with a low cut front, or dress with a low cut back?

I don’t usually know how I am going to react to new people in a social situation. Sometimes I can’t find any purchase and I will get quieter and quieter as the evening wears on, until new people think of me as that dull girl. Sometimes, though, I’ll show up and freakin’ own the place. Weddings especially can go either way, but if the group seems friendly, I’ll start a game I learned from my friend’s brother.

The rules are simple: I offer a binary choice and everyone must choose. Both choices are of equal quality, either optimally good or awful. I try to start gently, questions like ‘mountains or beachs’ and ‘hot salty fat or cold sweet fat’. By the time I get to ‘Daisy Duke or Princess Leia’, the crowd should be warmed up. At ‘cheerleader or librarian’ the whole thing heads straight to the gutter and doesn’t come back. People will tell you anything.

I have a few questions that I think are telling, but my favorite is for straight men. I like to look them in the eye and ask ‘trip to the DMV, or blowjob from a man?’ Most men will commit to their choice immediately, but then I go after the ones who would rather go to the DMV. In that case, the source of the blowjob is behind a screen, and there is a fifty-fifty chance that it is a man. There are always a lot of questions after that, so I have to explain that the screen is horizontal, that you will find out afterward whether it was a man or a woman, and that you do not have an appointment at the DMV. If there are still holdouts, I’ll change the percentages until we find out where the threshold is.

Last night at Ali’s party, I ran into variations I’ve never heard in the years I’ve been playing this game. One man was seriously considering his options, and asked me whether he still had to go to the DMV after he was done with the blowjob. That would change his answer, he said, because he would rather not have that chore hanging over him. But I lost control of the game when I was explaining that of course the man or woman under the screen would be super hot. Some freak shouted “OR MONKEY!” Or monkey?! Man, woman or smokin’ hot monkey?! They all went with monkey, though. It was the end of the game, but the start of the party.

15 Comments:

I started reading this post, and I thought of Marian Keyes' Sushi for Beginners -- "Phil Collins, Michael Jackson, or Michael Bolton, and you must sleep with one of them." And now that I've reached the end of the post, um, I'm still thinking of it.

I'm straight but I've made out with a guy -- well, just some kissing, I guess -- and it didn't kill me so I reckon I could handle a blowjob pretty okay, too, so long as he had purty lips. The DMV on the other hand...around here you get a number Tuesday morning and they call it sometime Wednesday afternoon. And I'm not even kidding. People who know better get the number then go back the next day. People who don't know better spend eight hours at the DMV and then get kicked out at closing time.