Doin’ It With Dr. V: Your Guide To Going Down

From the archives, in honor of “Steak & Blow Job Day,” which falls on, duh, March 14.

Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor; I just play one on the internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, every Friday, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…

You employ your mouth for so many things — eating, gossiping, singing in the shower — but it’s especially useful when it comes to sexy time. Oral sex is an intimate thing that takes skill, but with some technique, your tongue’s talents will certainly get you lots of praise! Here are some tips and tricks on how to please when you go downtown.HOW IT HAPPENED TO ME
I had one-and-a-half pina colada-flavored wine coolers at my friend’s New Year’s Eve party and the liquid courage gave me the balls to put a peen in my mouth. For my first time, I picked quite a big penis peak to climb — and I couldn’t quite make the hike. OK, I had no idea what I was doing. Worse yet, our nosy friends busted in on us and then told the entire school about it. The whole thing was a huge debacle, but then again, so was high school in general. I wish that somewhere in all that required reading there was a BJ tutorial. Alas, now I’m an adult with over a decade’s worth of experience, so I’m going to write my own friggin’ manual — with love.

WHO IS TO BLAME
Your ‘tude. If you treat oral sex like a chore, well, then it’s definitely going to suck — in a bad way. So, don’t trade household responsibilities for sexual favors; clean dishes just don’t compare to orgasms. But if you think of a blow job as a way to take control of your man’s pleasure stick and shift it into high gear, well, then you’ll both enjoy the ride. When you’ve got a man in your mouth, you are the finish line and that’s a powerful, sexy place to be. Plus, when you show him that you’re willing to go the extra mile, it will encourage him to head down that same road for you.

SIGNS
For the record, the infamous “deep throat” technique, popularized by the ’70s porn, is nearly impossible. Now, you can fight your gag reflex and go far, but that’s up to you. The average penis is 5-6 inches long, while the average mouth is 3-4 inches. So, really, you can tell almost every man that his dick is just way too big to swallow. That will probably make him feel better than deep-throating could have.

WHAT TO DO1. Get Comfortable: Put yourself in the best, most comfy position. If you’re kneeling in front of him, put a pillow under your knees. If you’re feeling lazy, lie down and let him hump your mouth. Although, on your back, you don’t control the depth, so make sure you trust the dude. Or heck, even go for a 69 and maximize your time!

2. You Gotta Lick It, Before We Kick It: Turn him on. Kiss the sides of his thighs, compliment his cock-a-doodle-do, and tease him with licks until he’s completely up for some action. Don’t start sucking until he salutes you.

3. Gummy Bare: It’s rare that a man likes to feel a bite on his man candy, so it’s important to prevent your teeth from hurting your honey. Be sure to fold your top lip over your teeth. Then, place your tongue over the bottom set. This will also give you the ability to lick that sensitive underside of his member.

4. Head Master: There’s a reason it’s called “giving head.” Pay particular attention to his tip; the highest concentration of nerve endings are there. Lick it like a lollipop. Swirl your tongue around the ridge before the shaft. On the underside there’s also a V-shaped hot spot called the frenulum. Go to town.

5. Handy: As I mentioned, deep-throating is difficult, but you can simulate the same feeling by flicking the tip with your tongue and gliding your hands up and down the shaft. A firm hold is good, but don’t grip it too tight. Also, be sure you’ve got him wet like a slip and slide, with water-based lube or spit, so friction doesn’t get in the way of fun.

6. Mmm, Mmm, Good: Hum. Not only does it sound good, but he’ll also feel the buzz on his banana.

7. Have A Ball: So the penis is the dining room, but don’t forget to head to the ball room next door. Do not neglect his testicles — in fact, make them your friends. Use your fingertips to tickle, your tongue to titillate, and even take them in your mouth and gently suck on them while stroking the shaft. But be extra gentle — the twins are sensitive.

8. Loaded: Whether or not you want to swallow is up to you. Ask your man to let you know when he’s about to blow so you can be prepared. Offer him options — he can use your mouth, a part of your body, a towel, or he can even finish himself off so it’s in his hands.

9. Bonus Round: A cowboy’s gun is especially sensitive after it’s had a shoot-out. If you softly give it a few last licks, it’ll prolong his pleasure.

WHERE I WENT WRONG
I used to think oral sex was safer than intercourse. Sure, you can’t get pregnant from giving a BJ, but you can receive plenty of other things you’ll have to be responsible about. Unless you use a dental dam or a condom, you are still at risk for STDs like gonorrhea, HIV, and HPV, which was just linked to a rise in throat cancer cases. So, just keep in mind, no sex is safe without protection.

TIME TABLE
You don’t have to start and finish a man with your mouth. Be generous and incorporate BJs into your sexy times. Feel free to take breaks and switch back and forth between oral sex and intercourse. Do it in any combination you’d like until you’re both satisfied.

EMBARRASSMENT FACTOR
Dr. V clearly isn’t shy about sex, but I have to admit, I don’t like giving a BJ in silence. All those slurping noises make me self-conscious. So, I always turn up some jams! Play some fun music to mask the mouth ruckus, get in the mood, and help keep the beat.

TIPS1. Bedroom Eyes: Get ready for your closeup! Men love to watch, so look up every now and again to make eye contact with him.

2. Rhythm Is Gonna Getcha: Watch him masturbate to figure out what pace he likes to go at. We all dance to the beat of our own drummer!

3. Prep: Tie your hair back, slap on some lip balm, keep a glass of water bedside, and, if you want, grab the lube. Although, you could just use plain ol’ tap water to keep things wet n’ wild!

4. Deep Sea(men) Diving: You don’t have to override your gag reflex to give a great BJ. Work with the natural downward curve of your throat to help you take as much as possible in your mouth as well as prevent you from jaw and neck pain. A sexy position that gives you the advantage requires him to lie down on his back and then you should sit on his stomach with your back to him. From that angle you can reach his penis easily and also show off your booty!

5. Booty Call: You can slip a finger in his booty once he’s relaxed and getting into it, but just make sure you ask first! Some dudes aren’t down with any back door action.

6. Sweet Spot: About an inch behind his love sack, right before his butt, deep in the heart of no man’s land (aka the taint), there’s an indent. When he’s about to orgasm, gently massage that dip with your thumb in a circular motion and you will blow his mind.

SEXY TIMES
Blow jobs are great as part of your sexy time repertoire, but they’re also amazing on their own. So get creative about surprising him with this stimulus package. When he’s got morning wood, wake him up with your mouth. Snack on his peen as an afternoon delight! Unzip his pants to get the party started after work. Or you can even grab him on the go and sneak off for seven minutes in heaven when you’re out and about. Blow jobs are a fast way to show your man a fun time, but learn from my old high school mistake and just make sure you’ve got the amount of privacy you need. Otherwise, you both could be exposed!

FUNKY FACTS
1. The average load of semen is the size of a teaspoon, full of nutrients, and only 15 calories!
2. Inspired by the popular porno, the FBI named the Nixon Watergate scandal informant “Deep Throat.”
3. Fellatio comes from the Latin word for “suck.”
4. A clean penis has fewer germs than your mouth.
5. Supposedly, the inspiration for blow jobs came from the gay women on the Isle of Lesbos who used their mouths to please their partners. Men heard of the practice and translated it to their own pleasure center.
6. Andy Warhol’s “Blow Job” is supposedly a closeup of a man’s face as he receives oral sex from his boyfriend. More shocking than the subject matter is that the shot is 35 minutes long! Wow, those dudes were committed to their art.