On Getting Girls Off

If you're new here, you should know that this site contains BDSM, kink, gender explorations, and explicit queer sex. All sex and kink acts depicted are between enthusiastically consenting adults. You may want to follow me on Twitter, Facebook, or get the password for the personal posts. This warning will self-destruct.

There’s something I want to clear up, especially for those folks who have only been reading Sugarbutch for the last eight or so months that Kristen and I have been dating and who have not read the archives.

Kristen gets off really easily. I mean like really easily. You already know this. She can come ten or twenty times in an evening, and then ten or twenty times the next morning. Sometimes I get tired out and she reaches her hands down between her legs, still keeps going, knows she’s got a few more in her. I’ve gotten her off in parks, in cabs, in public, with some words in her ear and my hand on the outside (or inside) of her clothes.

Uh, wait, I’m getting distracted.

Point is, this ability to come often and easily, in my experience, very rare. I know I am writing about it often, and that most of the smut stories I’ve written for the last eight months have involved Kristen, instead of the fictionalized stories I was focusing on more last year, but I am well aware that girls do not usually get off like this.

My ex of four years was pre-orgasmic, and did not come once while we were together. She had what she called “baby orgasms,” and though we had many hours of conversation about what she liked and what we could try, as far as either of us could tell she had never gotten off, ever.

Dating someone pre-orgasmic was completely bizarre to me when we were first puzzling it out. I remember going to my roommate and my best friend at the time, saying, “she has never gotten off! I mean like ever! Never!” and both my roommate AND my best friend responded with, “yeah, so? I, uh, never have either.”

Oh.

Suddenly I felt like I was the weird one, for having masturbated (to orgasm) since I was maybe 12. So I did what I do, I went to the internet, and I read some books, and I asked the folks at Babeland for sex toy ideas, and I watched some Betty Dodson DVDs – I did my research. Turns out something like 4-5% of women are pre-orgasmic or non-orgasmic.

I’m sure not much more than that, if any, get off like Kristen does, so that still leaves another 80% of us somewhere in the middle of those two, getting off sometimes but not always, or getting off with our hands on our own but not with partners, or coming from clitoral stimulation but not from some sort of something inserted inside. Some folks need very specific stimulation in very specific ways. I’ve said in the past that the first time I have sex with someone, I don’t really expect either of us to get off, since we just don’t know each other’s bodies well enough for it yet. It often takes a lot of time, and work, to get the perfect factors in place.

I think I’m a bit more bold now about just flat out asking, “what gets you off?” or asking her to put her fingers on her clit, but I fully recognize that I basically have to re-learn how to get a girl off every time I sleep with someone new. There are some similarities, sure! – thank heavens – but what one person wants might be precisely what is very painful for another.

It is awesome – in the sense that it inspires fucking awe – that Kristen gets off the way she does. I love it. In some ways it’s practically the ideal, for a butch top who wants a femme bottom lover, someone I can just play with and fuck and fill up and get off until she’s begging me to stop, and then I get her off a few more times.

But just because it is an ideal doesn’t mean there aren’t other ideals, or that she’s just had it so easy because that’s the way her body is built – she used to feel incredibly guilty for her interest in sex, her ability to get off, her ability to ejaculate, her own desires. In her words, “I used to only come by myself, but then I learned how to trust people better, and dated non-assholes, and started having the kind of sex I wanted to have.”

Part of my point here is, nobody’s journey to sexual empowerment is easy. Just because Kristen’s or mine or anybody’s appears to be “ideal” doesn’t mean it hasn’t had its problems and complications. In fact, one of the reasons I started Sugarbutch to begin with was because I was not having the kind of sex I wanted, and craved, and I didn’t know how to get it. (Can I just have a moment, a smile, at no longer having that problem? Hell yeah.) But getting the kind of sex that you want means you have to figure out a) what it is you want in the first place, b) how to ask for it, c) how to turn down sex that isn’t it, and d) how to keep it alive and growing. Those are fucking hard challenges, way harder than they sound, and they sound pretty hard.

I’m not attempting to glorify what Kristen’s body is capable of so much as I just want to write and share my sex life, because I love writing about what I did last night and I love how Kristen loves being written about and I love dialoguing with people about making their sex lives better and I love storytelling. I definitely want to be with somebody who really likes sex, but ejaculating and multiple orgasms are not a prerequisite for that.

There are many, many different ways that girls get off, and the ways Kristen does is just one person, just one example. There is nothing wrong with the way her body works, no reason for her to feel ashamed of what it does, just like there’s no reason for you to feel ashamed of what yours does, either. The challenge is to really figure out what it does, what it likes, and be okay with that.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith is a genderqueer kinky butch writer who teaches and performs, specializing in sexualities, genders, and relationships. They've written at sugarbutch.net since 2006, recognized numerous places as one of the Top Sex Blogs. Sinclair's gender theory and queer erotica is widely published in anthologies like Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, and online at Feministing, Autostraddle, AfterEllen, and more; they are the editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012 and Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, both published by Cleis Press. Sweet & Rough: Sixteen Stories of Queer Smut, Sinclair's first book of short erotic stories, was published in 2014. They use the pronouns they, them, theirs, themself, and live in Oakland, CA with their boy.

16 thoughts on “On Getting Girls Off”

Emmasays:

"But just because it is an ideal doesn’t mean there aren’t other ideals, or that she’s just had it so easy because that’s the way her body is built – she used to feel incredibly guilty for her interest in sex, her ability to get off, her ability to ejaculate, her own desires."

I, like, Kristen come very easily. Shockingly easily. When I was first discovering myself and my sexuality, I thought everyone was like me (and couldn't get why my mother seemed to hate sex so much if that was the kind of feeling it gave). It wasn't until I discovered what other girls experience — including those who've never gotten off at all — that I began to feel weird.

Thank you, Sinclair, for writing this. I haven't read much of the rest of your blog, but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone out here.

Francinasays:

Lilihasays:

I'm always so happy when you share your experience of Kristen, because they so often map to the experiences Nancy and I have of each other.

I'd only been with men before I met and fell madly in love with Nancy, and I enjoyed sex with men. But I didn't really get off without manual or oral stimulation. Never, ever vaginally.

But my experience with Nancy is much like the way you describe Kristen's experience. Even after 3 years, just the right tone in her voice at the right moment can get me going. Who knows all the reasons for this? Some of it I can attribute to her skill. Much of it I belongs to the relief of being with a partner with whom I don't have to hold back. Similarly, our intimacy as a couple is a factor. And, also, I think, being the ripe old age of 33 plays a part, because 1) my body is developed biologically and 2) I have greater emotional maturity and self-knowledge. So while I'm grateful for what I know is a rare, blessed experience, I'm hopeful that it's one that's available to more people than might now realize it. (Just like I'm hopeful that, say, ejaculation is available to me in the future ;-> )

Bsays:

this is a great post. thank you, as usual, for opening the dialogue about these kinds of issues. i know from reading the archives that you started this blog partly due to your lack of sexual fulfillment and i am really glad that you've found that.

i guess that's part of the reason i'm still here, still reading. as you said, it's difficult to enact those goals of sexually knowing what you want, communicating it, getting it, and continuing the process. at least, it is for me. (long-term relationship fightin' the LBD here. *sigh*) i hope i can continue to learn, grow, and accept, and again, i'm glad you have.

lizziesays:

i love hearing you talk about how much you enjoy sex with kristen, because kristen sounds exactly like me. i come really easily over and over again unless i'm really stressed out, and i used to feel really guilty about being insatiable and wanting sex too much when my partner didn't. i still feel like that sometimes, but reading about kristen has stopped me feeling like there's soemthing wrong with me. plus she seems to like all the things i do, like kinky toppy butches, so that aspect's fun to read about too :-P

Clearysays:

Thanks for this. I've never been able to figure out how I can acheive orgasm, alone or with my sexy and attentive girlfriend, with fingers or vibrators. So often I hear pre-orgasmic girls associated with ignorance, cultural baggage and body shame. I don't have any of those issues! If anything, I feel ashamed of the dissonance between my sex-positive, empowered lesbian identity and the orgasms I'm not having. I bet I'm not alone but still I feel inadequate.

Leighsays:

Does anyone know of any good websites (or maybe Sinclair could do a blog?) with advice for people with pre-orgasmic partners? Most of it seems to be all about heterosexual women and isn't that helpful.

Echoing others here: thanks. I'm in that 80% contingent — get off most easily with a vibrator, my favorite way to get off is orally, and I love LOVE vaginal orgasms too but they're harder to come by — and I don't come all that easily, sometimes not at all. I'm one of the if-I-get-one-I'm-done orgasmers. Sometimes when I read about your and Kristen's sex, I get a bit wistful and a tad jealous and maybe even a wee bit of feeling inadequate, like "I wish my body did that, is it supposed to?" and "is mi'lady getting bored or frustrated by how I don't get off all that easily and sometimes she has to be between my legs for 45 minutes?"

But then I always forget all that when I'm actually HAVING sex, getting off, getting her off, because really, as you say, there are SO many ways to have really really great sex. What matters is that she and I are both striving to have the sex we want to have, for ourselves, and for each other too.

Liasays:

great post. i'm not quite at kristen's level, but i am multi-orgasmic and VERY sensitive. my girlfriend, on the other hand, requires lots and lots of stimulation (once in a while she comes while strapping, which is amaaazing). her orgasms are incredible though, totally worth the effort. and the fact that most ppl can't make her come makes me all the more proud that i can =)

Sinclair, this is why I keep reading! Or at least it's part of why. Frank discussions about lesbian sex… from an expert! :-)

My girl gets off easily but only once per session. I, on the other take f.o.r.e.v.e.r to get off, when I do. This makes me feel guilty. And, on those occasions when I don't get there both of us feel bad. Sigh. Sometimes even pleasure is complicated.

I liked reading this post and all of the comments. It's such a reassurance. That's true for so much of what you write… thanks for that. And, I would like to agree with Greg, I am happy to know that Kristen likes to be written about. Feels less voyeuristic.

But getting the kind of sex that you want means you have to figure out a) what it is you want in the first place, b) how to ask for it, c) how to turn down sex that isn’t it, and d) how to keep it alive and growing.

This is exactly what I’m struggling with. Thanks for putting it into words for me. I always feel like I’m abnormal because I’ve never gotten off with a partner. I guess maybe it’s not so abnormal after all.

Katerinasays:

I jokingly apologized to the guy I'm seeing for coming (ejactulating) all over his bed and his response was "I have a hot girl in my bed who is coming all over the place. How am I supposed to be offended by that?" which is so true. I come very, very easily and multiple times. As long as I'm partnering with people who enjoy giving, I'm going to thank them with my orgasms.

Carriesays:

It probably sounds really stupid, but I honestly never knew there were other women out there like this before I read your post (alright, I admit to being naive when it comes to sex). It doesn't take long for me to get myself off- maybe ten minutes sometimes, three another, and that always made me feel a little abnormal. I'm pretty sensitive down there and respond to stimulation very quickly, whether it be physical or mental.

foxglovesays:

I’ve said in the past that the first time I have sex with someone, I don’t really expect either of us to get off, since we just don’t know each other’s bodies well enough for it yet.

I think there's often a lot of pressure in the kink community for people to be overwhelmingly sexual, and with all my lovers I've felt there's pressure for at least one of us to have an orgasm. I enjoy connection, touching and being touched, but that pressure is terribly unwelcome. Thanks for the reminder that some people really do get it.

But getting the kind of sex that you want means you have to figure out a) what it is you want in the first place, b) how to ask for it, c) how to turn down sex that isn’t it, and d) how to keep it alive and growing. Those are fucking hard challenges, way harder than they sound, and they sound pretty hard.