Saturday, February 09, 2008

I wanted to write to tell you that I regret that we fought at Thanksgiving. It is not my intention or hope to have anything but a good relationship with you.

It would mean a lot to me if we could find the time to talk openly about some ground rules for co-parenting during holidays or other family visits. By ground rules I mean parenting rules that we can all agree to follow together consistently with our kids.

Parenting is such hard business and each of us has to do what works best in our own homes. However, when we’re together, I think we need to compromise.

It seems to me that if we are going to be close to each other and each other’s children, we have to find a way to be comfortable when our children are in the other’s charge and know that they will be cared for in a way that we can both live with and accept. This is why I am suggesting we establish some ground rules. Had we had them before Thanksgiving, we might have avoided our argument.

For example, we may disagree about how to arbitrate fights between our children and when or why a toy would get put into time out, but we could perhaps set up a ground rule that standardized the response the kids would get in that situation regardless of whether it came from you, me, K or Jim.

I think the reason I got so angry with you was that I made a parenting decision as the adult in the room with The Mayor and Jackeroo when they fought. I felt like you did not respect the action I took and, in so openly challenging it, you undermined my authority in front of the children. If we had some ground rules for working together at parenting our children and nieces/nephews together then this wouldn’t have happened.

I hope you are open to talking about this further.

Best,

Jessica

I didn't hear anything back from the e-mail I sent, so I printed the letter out and sent it to her in the regular mail.

Another month went by and because I didn't hear from her I wondered if she planned to ever speak to me again.

I told my brother about the letter and asked him if he would be willing to ask her about it.

The next day she called me.

"You gave me the silent treatment when we were leaving," she said. "That really hurt my feelings."

"You're right. I did do that," I said. "I knew it would hurt your feelings when I did it. I owe you an apology and I am sorry."

She paused.

"I didn't agree with the way you handled the fight between The Mayor and Jackeroo, but the way I yelled at you in front of them was wrong," she conceded.

Though I like Jane very much, she and I haven't had a particularly close relationship.

Our conversation made abrupt starts and stops and it was awkward at times, but we were trying.

She talked to me about how hard things had been for their family these last few months. My brother works in new home construction and the market has been very slow. He's been anxious and his worry has bled over into their family life.

"I'm sorry," I said. "That sounds hard."

"It is, it is," she said. "It's very hard for him."

"No," I said. "I meant it sounds hard for YOU."

"You're worried about ME?!"

I thought she might weep.

"Of course," I said.

"I'm sorry, it's just that with the three kids and him home all day I'm the one that worries about everyone else from the time my eyes open until the time they shut. I don't have any time to myself and no one worries about me."

I wasn't expecting our conversation to go in this direction. I choked back my own tears.

"She's the only person in your family that really saw ME," she said. "She understood what I go through. She appreciated me. She liked me. She made me feel special."

I was glad I was sitting down.

"She was the matriarch," Jane said. "She made sure it all fit together and that there was a place for everyone. Now that she's gone, I want to play that role... but that doesn't seem to work."

As she was talking I thought about my mom, my Aunt Nancy, myself, my cousin Shannon... the women who are, by blood, part of my family. I admit, it did sound odd to me to think of Jane adopting the role of matriarch in my family.

Jane and I talked for a long time.

She shared her experiences of various family gatherings, expressing - maybe for the first time to anyone besides my brother -- her frustrations.

I listened.

We didn't get to talk about common ground rules for parenting, but we agreed to talk about it before the next time we were together.

Near the end of the conversation, I said,

"I realize there's a lot for us to work out, but I want you to know that it's important to me that our families are close and I want to do that work."

"I think it was good that we fought," she said. "We're having this conversation because of it."

Before we hung up she confessed to being a reader of this blog and asked me if I was going to write about our fight.

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comments:

Family is hard. In-laws? Harder. This post moved me so much. I, too, think of "my" family. Now that we are all wed and there are children ... we have to be one family, "ours." Because for the kids, everyone belongs to them, right? Aunts, uncles ...

This made me think of my brother, whom I so often ignore/forget/dismiss because he is so much younger than I, and so different. But he is mine, as is his wife, with whom my relationship is VERY rocky.

Thank you, Jess. Your granny was a wise woman. As are you, and your Jane.

You are so very mature and adult. I took to the silent treatment, and four years later, haven't talked to my sister-in-law or mother-in-law. I've never met my nephew and neither have my children. Very productive, eh?

Good for you for opening the lines of communication. I wish I had the guts to mend fences.

At the same time, when the fight was happening, I felt like my marriage was at risk. so push comes to shove, I picked my family overs hers.

Funny, I've fought with sisters over much bigger things over the years, and let bygones be bygones, but I can't seem to completely forgive my sister-in-law and my husband's parents.

That was so different than what I thought I would read as I clicked over here, but I was so happy to read yr words. You drew me right into the human condition and I thought it was a very well reflected piece... Sometimes it is hard to face things and it is hard to work things out..but it is always worth the effort...you are on a good path. :)I love to read yr writing gal.

I realized, sitting here, that I always call the hub's clan "YOUR family" when in fact they are mine, too. What a breakthrough, for both of us. So glad you found your way to conversation with Granny. There is yet a lot of wisdom and tenderness to revealed, is my guess.

I first loved your site because of all the laughs you deliver in your dead-on way. As the months went by, I began to love the thoughtful soul behind the site. It is posts like this that have drawn so many of us into your daily thoughts. Excellant piece.

It is so hard when the "elders" of a family are gone, and those of us who are left are at a loss at how to keep a family close. They had made it seem so easy. You and Jane are feeling your way along and discovering how it all works, and doing a much better job than my own family has done. Practice makes perfect, and I wouldn't be surprised if you and Jane don't become much better friends than you would have imagined.

Wow, sweet girl, that was so incredible. i'm sitting in my chair a little shell shocked.

I understand your frustration about MY family. I get territorial too. It's like that when you lose things and protect what you still have. you have a strong lineage of women, I don't blame you for feeling that way. But Jane can join that lineage. Pretty amazing.

Wow. I hung on with every word of that post.Family IS hard. In laws are even more difficult and complicated. I don't truly feel part of my husband's family...not sure that will ever change. And I think it's more me than them.Like I said, complicated.Wonderfully, emotional post.thanks.

It so easy to draw the line between blood and marriage. "He's my uncle by marriage" "She's my REAL sister" etc. My first instinct probably would have been the same. I think it's fantastic that you opened the lines of communication with her. It would be so easy to just let it go and not ever mention it again. I'm glad you pursued it - it sounds like you two will really be able to find some common ground that will make your family gatherings much more enjoyable for everyone.

This is a really wonderful post. I love that both of you are able to agree to try to work together. And it can be so amazing to open yourself up to someone to whom you haven't done so before. Sometimes the most horrible catalysts can lead us to the best revelations.

You brought a tear to my eye - mainly for the amazing way you have moved towards resolution.

Unfortunately I don't know that my SIL will ever be so understanding and workable as yours - she has been angling for matriarch status since lining my brother up, and has worked very hard in moving him away from our family and into hers. It seems a common theme.

Okay, that made me cry. In part because it was beautiful and the way we should be with each other, and also because I figure the odds of my reaching that level of emotional maturity are pretty slim as even now I am not speaking to one family member and am barely speaking to two others. I'm sure I'm right though....

Although I read so much over here ('cause I think you are SO great!) :) I don't comment much.

This, oh I had to comment.

If we just realize that how we view the way things SHOULD be, we get to understand that is our view. Not everyone's. I personally am so doggone controlling in the family I have as well... I've only just recently learned HOW controlling I was. It was never meant with harm... ever.

What you did with your sister-in-law was beautiful. You reached out and even as beautiful she took your hand.

She was correct, your *fight* was perfect. It brought the two of you to talk on the phone.

GREAT JOB both of you.

Something else I just learned recently-no one understands a woman like another woman. Sometimes what heals us is those we wouldn't think of turning to.

I'm glad you finally talked to your granny. And I'm glad you're learning about family being OURS and not MINE - that is such a tough path to walk when it is so much easier to ignore it all. Good for you, and Jane.

This was really moving. Listening to others can be such a hard thing, especially when those people are in our families. Good for you for making that effort, and for listening and hearing both your sister and law and your Granny.

How wonderful that you were able to have these conversations, both with Jane and your Granny. Wonderful that you were open to her side, even more so that your Gran has helped to mend a fence. I'm glad for you, Jess.

Oh my gosh, inspiring. I am so proud of your maturity and your break through with your Granny.

I wish you could send these vibes to my SIL and her SO. I have never felt I am a part of their(her, MIL, DH) family. My Hub made it worse one time, by basically choosing them over me. He wonders why I feel he and the boys should travel the 1000 miles w/o me.

As one who frequently plays the part of The Sister-in-Law in the family, I can say that I am truly impressed by and in awe of the level of maturity and understanding that you and Jane have in your relationship.

This was a wonderful post, and almost - ALMOST - inspires me to try the same type of conversation with some of the other female members of OUR family!

As you know, I have spent the past four months coming to terms with a family relationship that has bedeviled me. Though it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, I am grateful that I put the work into it. I think in time you will be grateful that you and Jane worked to meet each other halfway too.

It is often the hardest to get along with the ones we love the most. Oh, and about talking to your Granny? I do that all the time with mine. In that "in between dream and wake" state you were talking about. I often hear her talking to me. It is comforting.

The whole "instafamily" with in-laws is very difficult to embrace. I have the same struggles. I am so glad that you have realized you need to embrace her.....it sounds like she could really use it right now!

We mommies have to stick together...even if we need to lay some groundrules first! :)

Wow. I feel like I've been wrung out like a sponge. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. . .

Incredibly brave of you to confront the situation and your own shortcomings. We should all be so mature. Life is too short.

I am sending this link to my brother and sister-in-law (the ones I adore) in hopes they will mend fences with my other brother (whom I adore) and sister-in-law (whom we have "diagnosed" with narcissistic personality disorder); they are also feuding over parenting issues. Methinks there is much more lurking below the surface.

Oh, the choked throat. Oh, the tears. This is how I know your writing skills to be a gift. You're gifted, and by using and honing them, the giving continues. Thanks for sharing this and letting us (me) come along on the journey. You and Jane are in my heart today.

I've cried three separate times I read this post..I finally have it put together enough to post a comment. You are one beautiful, smart woman. You have touched many wonderful women by this post. I for one needed to read this today...you touched me deeply.

You know, I understand that boundary, though, because on one hand, you're right, family is family, and it's not right to hold someone at arm's length. But at the same time, different families ahve different rules, different traditions, and different ways of relating and understanding. If Misterpie tried to take too much of a role in my family, I would think he doesn't GET my family enough to do that. He needs to respect the way my family operates. In turn, I don't barge in much with his family, because they operate in their fashion, and I dont' think it's my place. Perhaps it's just because our families are very different, but I think there is a certain respect for letting a family operate in their own way that has to be maintained, too. It's a balancing act, any way you slice it.

I think you and Jane did a wonderful job working out your differences and coming to a better understanding of each other. I'm in awe. I need to work on my skills with regards to dealing with family members whom I do not agree with. I tend to just withdraw which is not the best way to deal with it. Thanks for posting this Jess.

I had a sister in law that was difficult to get along with at times. She and my husband's brother have since divorced. I say this only to let you know that I can relate to "in-law" issues, they can be so complicated. You two seem to have certainly made a breakthrough... I like your blog because you are so HONEST. Thanks for that...

What an amazing post. It is so difficult to speak of these things. These things between families. After the initial awkwardness and hurt feelings, it almost always works out for the better. You were wise, introspective, and even-handed (and the parts about your Granny made me weep).

That's SO true! We in-laws are usually kept at a distance. And there ususally is one person who sees us for us and not the "in-law." Good for you for breaking down that barrier! Your family will be much stronger for it. (Sounds like you're stepping into that matriarch position. You're grandmother would be proud of you for "seeing" your SIL.)

My wife has five sisters and three brothers. Whenever we have one of our rare family get-togethers, one of her sisters invariably will suggest that all of the Valdes kids get together for a 'family' portrait. And the nine of them get into a group photo. My wife doesn't understand why this irritates me. She doesn't understand why I feel like I and the other 'inlaws' have been excluded and, to some degree, insulted.

There's way more to this story and I don't want to get started, but thanks for helping me give voice, in my own mind, as to what I object to about all that. Now if i can just make her understand.

Wow, lots of people weighing in on this one...so what's one more?You and Jane seem like really mature and well adjusted people. Most individuals live a lifetime without ever having such a frank conversation with another human being. You both will get it right if you are committed to difficult and honest communication. (I have no SIL but my BIL is an asshole, incapable of even admitting his own feelings to himself.) I'm glad for you that you have enlightened people with which to share this family-thang.

I don't know why this made me tear up but it did. Family relationships are so complex and there was sooo much in there that I could relate to...thanks for being so honest and writing about it so beautifully.

When this post started, I expected something different...a fight.... something about how ridiculous of a person she is....but I was way off. It is beautiful. To bad my SIL isn't this mature. I'm very very touched.

Can I just tell you how much I love you right now?I'd KILL to have a sister-in-law like you, one who really cares about our relationship and works on it, as you are doing with Jane.You are both to be commended for approaching this like reasonable adults. A hug for you both:(((Jess)))(((Jane)))

Wow, this is amazing. My sister-in-law and I fought at Thanksgiving, too, and I tried to apologize then, but she wouldn't hear of it. I wish we could have a heart-to-heart talk like you and your sister-in-law did.

I love full circle posts... I also love that you were brave enough to take the first step and she was brave enough to accept your apology and return the apology. I love that you were able to fight and now your relationship is better! So different from my family where no one talks about anything uncomfortable. ever.

Blending families, blending people, blending lives and all the rest, it's hard. It's something I've definitely struggled with since I got married, and one of the hardest hurdles for me was trying not to draw the line between Dave's family and my family. Trying to think of us all as a family, a collective.

I'm so glad you got to talk to your granny. She sounds like she was such an amazing woman.

It is incredibly hard to join a close knit family and feel that you fit in. It took me years to stop seeing insults and slights everywhere in my husband's family. Now, my in-laws are just as much my family as they are T's. But it takes time. And honestly, it may have been easier because T doesn't have any sisters.

It's so wonderful that you and Jane had your talk, that you're both willing to work at your relationship. Clearly, both of you are great women just like your granny.

I read this post a few days ago and have been thinking about it ever since. Like many of the commenters here, I also have a horrible relationship with my SIL. Through a series of misunderstandings and passive aggressive behavior on both our parts things have gotten so bad that she's only seen my oldest son twice and has never seen my youngest son. We live three miles away.I wish (wish, WISH) I could say we could do the adult thing and talk it out like you and Jane did, but I honestly am not sure that's a possibility. After some reaching out on my part and some attempts at repairing the rift on my husband's, not much, if any, progress has been made. But that doesn't change me wishing it were different. Wishing that my sons could know their super-cool aunt and uncle. And I could never blog about it becasue she reads and would be uber-insulted (although I've started and stopped a thousand times).So... I live vicariously through the House of Joys, and the wise women in the whole family.

I'm trying to catch up after vacation, and you've got me in tears with every other post.

I now have a close relationship with my oldest brother because of a period of harsh strife and honesty. We helped each other through my father's death last year, and I've never been so happy to have him on my side. In hindsight, it took tremendous maturity for both of us to get to this place, and I feel so proud of us for having gotten to it. I'm impressed by how quickly you reached it. You're so much wiser than I. ;)

lovely post! i am the "jane" in my (husband's) family so i was very, very moved by your words. hope the real jane is too. i try to love all my family (even ones who don't love me back) unconditionally. it has helped the overall picture a lot - especially for the children in family.