I just recently joined, but I've been working on an SCP for a while now, and I'd like to start getting some feedback. It's on the sandbox here. As of this post, it's mostly done (which is to say, all the information I want to include is included) except for the testing logs, which I haven't yet started (but I have some ideas for).

I'm not worried about the grammar, spelling, or punctuation—I'm an English major and the son of a magazine editor, so I got mad proofreading skills. I'm not too worried about the tone, either, though there may be some issues with proper scientific phrasing. And content-wise, there's not much that I'd like to change, but suggestions for additions are always welcome. (Again, the testing logs aren't done yet.) I guess I just want to know: does this sound like a decent SCP? Is it an idea that's been done to death before? (I don't remember any other "video games that want to kill the player" in the files, but my memory isn't perfect.) Any suggestions for improvement? I want my very first SCP to be as good as it can possibly be, and your help will be invaluable. Thanks in advance!

Hm, you're right! I wanted to make it a more subtle effect than, say, video game enemies chasing you in the real world or something. But maybe it's been watered down too much, to the point of being non-anomalous.

The idea is that, in the final stage, the game would produce individually tailored effects: for example, if someone whose wife Laura had died in a shooting played the game, it might invent a scenario forcing the player to kill a woman named Laura. Or the enemies might somehow "deface" themselves so they resemble the player.

There must be something else the game could do that attacks the player without physically attacking them. Appearing in dreams is overdone, hallucinations is too obvious, transporting the player into the game sounds like a Goosebumps book…maybe it eventually turns into, like, an ARG, where it sends threatening emails to the player, calls their boss and tries to get them fired, gets them put on terrorist watchlists, etc?

1) scenery built from player's memories: possibly old memories are retold in ways that make the user feel bad
2) enemies are either figures player has bad memories of, or cherished figures that are inexplicably aggressing him
3) player is given increasingly more complicated or vague ethical dilemmas with no clear "good" solution
4) player is rewarded for doing horrible things to his remembered friends

First off, kill the idea of it being based on a "terminator" videogame. That just turns it into "AI meant to act like a videogame skynet that thinks it's real skynet." Something like Gears of War or a single-person World of Warcraft would probably be better.

Second, a "poorly written" example of what I imagine the stages of play to be:

One hour into play - Rush by enemies regardless of player weapons.

Two hours into play - Advanced tactics ingame like you said.

Three hours into play - The AI figures out that the game PC isn't you. Shoots at player camera viewpoint.

Four hours into play - Attempts at sabotage based on pretending to be glitched and other such tricks.

Six hours into play - If the computer has a camera and/or microphone the AI will begin using such to hassle the player, I.E. having levels of the videogame which look like their home, enemies based on the player only with horrific mutations, insulting and threatening the player, ect.

Seven hours into play - apparently self-aware, is able to hold a coherent if unpleasant conversation with foundation scientists via computer microphones.

Eight hours into play - Loads of [DATA EXPUNGED]. If you have the required security clearance, it's that either:

1. The AI figured out the basis of hypnotism and "hacked" the player.
2. The AI hacked into some kind of robotic body. Not a very harmful one admittedly but it still did scare scientists when a robot vacuum cleaner went on the rampage.
3. The AI is on a foundation database. It found a few memetic hazards and got creative….

Despite the wall of text I had in recommendations I really like the idea of a sapient and hostile AI… …which is part of a videogame trying to kill people just as it was programed as the "enemy", and it would make a great SCP.

First off, good call on the setting. The Terminator gag was just that, a gag, and doesn't add anything to the SCP. I'll change it.

I don't know about it breaking containment—I'd rather not my first SCP be a killer AI that somehow broke through all internal firewalls and went to town on the Foundation database. It's a bit much, you know? At the same time, if there's no real danger to anyone, then it's basically an evil AI generator: put in ten hours of gaming, get killer sociopathic AI you can control. It'd be kind of a joke by that point. (I imagine a laptop locked in a sub-basement, ranting and raving ineffectually like Murray the talking skull.)

That being said, I think I've got a way to add some spookiness and real threat while not making it the Super Duper Killer AI. I'll post again in this thread when I finish the next draft, or maybe start a new draft entirely—or, heck, you can just watch the sandbox. It'll be done within the next few days.

We already have a robotic SCP, Pesterbot who thinks of itself as a killer, yet is defeated utterly, and hilariously by a potted plant in test logs.

Also, you can't control it at all. It hates the player and tries to ruin their lives via any means it can from repeatedly shooting them ingame, to waiting until their parents enter the room and googling "hot midget on ██████ action", to inventing and/or hacking the foundation database to find a lethal memetic hazard and replacing the screensaver animation of the player's computer with it.

I've added a bit more backstory and an incident report that's almost, but not quite, a tale. Critiques and comments of all sorts are welcome, though I'd especially appreciate input on the Incident Report—too long? not creepy enough? overdone? I haven't ever done a straight-up creepy story, so I dunno how effective this is.

I could potentially include a short experiment log as well, giving more specifics as to the game's effects, but that might just add more text to an already bloated article. Any thoughts?

As a videogamer, the idea of a sapient and hostile game AI is really creepy, and your write-up is great. Let's see a list of good things this includes:

1. Steampunk version of a pulp-fantasy setting. By any chance did you read Dr. Gear's Of Magic And Steam story? This kind of reminds me of it. In a good way.
2. The AI claiming that the player is "on another plane." The whole idea that it knows something is off about the world in which it lives and is guessing.
3. The AI mocking the player, with the play-based level, and the girlfriend references.

And I'd love to have a screenshot, but my photo-manip skills are precisely zero. I haven't played Devil May Cry--I was actually thinking more of Arcanum or the Thief series when I wrote this--but it looks like it could work. Anyone out there want to volunteer their services?

I like this. It's a hostile video game that can't do anything outside the bounds of in-game actions, but is devastatingly effective within those bounds. That said, I'm not sure if I like just how active the eldritch horror thing gets. I don't think it should have the power to turn the computer back on or even affect anything outside the game. I think the key to this article is that it can't do anything beyond the realm of the game.

Yeah, exactly. I didn't want to make this into some kind of super-awesome mega-killing computer god-thing that will murder you in your sleep; I wanted my first SCP to be a little more grounded. The suicide note hints that the thing can get out of the computer, maybe, unless the guy is just paranoid and hallucinating. I tried to keep it as vague as possible.

That being said, I came down pretty hard on the side of "No, it can't escape the computer," which raises an obvious question: why wouldn't the Foundation allow testers to encounter Kr'th'nar in the game? My earlier concern (see previous posts) was that, if the thing just ends up being an evil A.I. trapped in a box, there's no reason for the Foundation not to do such tests, which would result in a lot of creepily evil, but completely impotent, A.I.s trapped on a PC somewhere. Which would kind of kill the horror.

I dunno. I still feel like there's some missing element here. I'll keep plugging away at it…

I don't think it being unable to harm someone who just walks away kills the horror. Close down the game, and it can't do anything. That reinforces the core concept. I do think it might be reasonable for instances on a poorly secured system to be able to affect things outside of that system, but with a fair bit more difficulty. There's real life computer viruses that can get at you through programs like Word, so it's reasonable that this thing in the extreme late-stage could corrupt the computer and possibly the network, but I doubt the Foundation would let it get that far.

One possible hook: So, right now, it notices that the character isn't the real controller and goes after the player. What if, in late-stage, it then suddenly ignores the player, and starts trying to get at something that it perceives as the "truer controller"?

No, it should stay in computers. It starts in the game but can spread. So far all it can do is stuff like swear at, and scare players, but that leaves the implication that if given a chance it could get into really deadly stuff, like foundation servers, or a nuclear launch faculty and keep trying to kill the "player."

Might be an interesting twist if it doesn't realize what its doing is wrong. After all, it's programed to kill the player isn't it?

A few more quick edits; check them out at the usual place. I changed the order of events leading up to recovery—now the suicide is what triggers the Foundation investigation, for example—and tweaked some other parts slightly.

What I really want to know is, is it creepy enough? Horror isn't my forte, and I want to improve, but right now I'm not the best and I know it. Does it work as a creepy SCP? Is it spooky enough without going overboard? Is the "tale" too much, or not enough? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!