If you have been the victim of an abusive relationship in the past, you should be especially careful about who you enter into a relationship with in the future so that you do not repeat a pattern. Even if you have not been in an abusive relationship, you should be aware of the characteristics of men who could turn out to be abusers to protect yourself.

Be wary of men who seem perfect. Obviously, not everyone who seems perfect is abusive. But some men who are abusive care about outward image and popularity, and make it a point to have many friends. He may be so concerned about his image that he will be less concerned about maintaining a healthy relationship.

This is also related to a tendency for abusers to be very controlling; they control their own image very carefully. Likewise, they expect to be able to control other people completely.[1]XResearch source

Watch out for signs of codependence or very quick commitment. Men who are abusers tend to get into relationships very quickly.[2]XResearch source This is related to extremes in behavior that are also common to abusers. Someone may have abusive characteristics if he:[3]XResearch source

Pushes you to commit to exclusivity or living together very quickly

Claims that your relationship was “love at first sight” or that he can’t live without you

Makes you feel guilty for not feeling ready to commit as quickly as he is

Monitor jealousy and insecurity levels. Does he overreact when you spend time with others? Does he dislike your friends for no apparent reason? Does he accuse you of cheating? These can be signs that he is overly jealous. An even greater indication that his jealousy is excessive is a tendency to twist or manipulate the way he expresses his jealousy. Some ways that he may manipulate or reframe his jealousy include:[4]XResearch source

Saying that his jealousy is a sign of his deep love

Masking jealous behavior as concern

Claiming that he is curious about how you spent your day and who you talked to when he is really monitoring your behavior and interactions

Saying that he doesn’t like you spending time with others because he misses you too much himself

Pretending to stop by to surprise you with a gift or a visit when he is really checking to see what you are doing

Talk to a potential partner about feelings. Many abusive men have difficulty expressing their feelings. Before entering into a serious relationship with someone, you should have many conversations with him in which you can evaluate his personality and determine whether he can talk to you about things that are related to feelings. This also shows that he is willing to feel vulnerable, something that many abusers are uncomfortable with.

Do not tolerate violence or signs of violence. If a potential partner shows signs of violence towards you, others, or even inanimate objects, you should likely avoid a relationship with him. For example, if he gets mad and punches a wall or table, he could be showing a tendency to become violent in the future.

Another potential warning sign for violence is the use of force or control, even in a supposedly playful way, with sex.[5]XResearch source

Look for a history of abuse. People who are abusive in relationships are often abusive in other situations. Try to find out about a history of abuse in other relationships, towards family members, or towards animals.[6]XResearch source Most men who have been abusive to others in the past will continue to be abusive in the future.

If you decide to enter into a relationship with someone with a history of abuse, encourage him to participate in a batterer intervention program.[7]XResearch source

Determine whether your relationship is loving and healthy. Your relationship may not be fully developed if you are in the early stages, but you should be able to determine whether it is on the road to being a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is built on love, trust, and communication. A few signs of a healthy relationship are when both partners in the relationship are able to:[8]XResearch source

Share feelings and thoughts openly

Feel secure and happy in themselves

Admit when they are wrong

Share what they admire about their partner

Spend time on a variety of activities: intimacy, play, serious conversation, sharing new experiences, etc.

Talk to your partner about his feelings about relationship roles. You might specifically want to ask about his views on equal partnership. Some abusive men have very strong feelings about “traditional” gender roles in a relationship. Remember, however, that some people talk a good game, but do not follow through with their actions.

Abusive men will often think of women as inferior to men.[9]XResearch source If a potential partner expresses ideas that men are superior to women, he is unlikely to be a good match, even if he doesn’t turn out to be abusive. You should be with someone who respects you.

Notice if your partner attempts to isolate you. An early warning sign of an abusive or controlling relationship is a man trying to keep you from other people.[10]XResearch source If he seems to be limiting the time you spend with friends or family, get out now. This is a trend that continues and escalates in an abusive relationship until the victim is so isolated that she feels as though she has nowhere to go if she wishes to leave.[11]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideIndustry-leading nonprofit dedicated to promoting mental health issuesGo to source

Ask others how your partner speaks of you when you are not around. Even when they are having problems, members of a committed, healthy relationship speak well of each other to others.[12]XResearch source If your partner talks down about you, insults you, or blames you for problems while you are not around, he may be heading down the road towards abuse. While it can be difficult to know how someone speaks about you while you’re not there, if you feel uneasy about it, you can always ask other people.[13]XResearch source

Notice whether you fear your partner. It is not normal to be afraid of your partner or his temper. If you are just beginning a relationship and you are afraid of your partner, you should take immediate steps to get out. The longer an abusive relationship goes on, the worse the abuse gets. The victim, despite the escalating abuse, usually finds it more difficult to leave. [14]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideIndustry-leading nonprofit dedicated to promoting mental health issuesGo to source

Consider whether you feel a lot of guilt. Do you feel guilty a lot of the time? Do you feel as though you are somehow failing your new partner, or you’re not good enough? Sometimes guilt is completely self-created, but abusers are great about manipulating their victims into feeling guilty. This is one of the tools that abusers use to keep victims in a relationship.[15]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideIndustry-leading nonprofit dedicated to promoting mental health issuesGo to source

If your guilt is coming completely from within, you may want to seek therapy to address the underlying cause of the guilt.

If you are being manipulated or talked into feeling guilty, your partner may be subtly controlling your thoughts and actions.

Evaluate whether you are spending time the way you want to. Some victims of abuse will feel that they have to ask permission of their partner before they do anything. If you find yourself only doing what your partner wants to do or asking him if it’s okay for you to go do something, you may be turning into a victim.

Note that asking for permission to do something is different from communicating about how you spend your time. You can communicate and agree on what to do without losing control of your own actions.

Hold on to your existing friends and hobbies. It can be easy to get swept up into a new relationship, but if you feel that you are losing touch with who you were before your relationship started, take a step back. You should be able to incorporate a new relationship into your life without losing touch with your friends and letting go of the things you enjoyed doing before you met your new partner.

Community Q&A

What should I do if my partner of two years has hit me once and swears he would never hit me again? He doesn't like my friends and doesn't like me to do things on my own.

Community Answer

I encourage you to seek out counseling immediately. Domestic abuse is a serious issue and physical violence of any kind is abuse. Seek support from family and friends and seek resources from the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to begin creating a safety and exit plan.

How do I leave when I am scared he will hurt me? I've been abused, and controlled for a year now, and never spoke up until now; I'm 17 and I admit I need advice. What can I do?

Community Answer

It's so important to tell people around you. Make a plan of how to leave with a friend or parent.This will get worse, whether you are with him or not. Block him on your phone and all social media and look into filing a restraining order. You deserve better.

How do I get my boyfriend to stop beating me when we have been together for five years?

Community Answer

You cannot change a person, they can only change themselves (and only with a lot of will and work). Most abusers never change. You deserve better and you don't owe him anything. Don't feel you need to continue this relationship because you have already invested years into it, or for any other reason. You have wasted enough of your life. Leave the relationship as soon as you can. Confide in others and then take the right steps towards leaving him.

In rare instances, if the person gets intensive, long-term psychological help (or even if he doesn't, in rarer cases), it's possible. However, the vast majority of abusive men do not change, and far too many women stay in relationships with these men hoping that they will change. It's not something you should ever bet on, and if he has already abused you, you don't owe him anything at all, including a chance to change. You owe it to yourself to rid your life of abusive and toxic people. There are plenty of good, non-abusive people out there. There is no good reason to get stuck on someone like this.

My boyfriend has health problems. He doesn't eat, sleep, or take medicine whenever we are fighting. He even told me that he will do everything to make me jealous if I leave him. What should I do?

Community Answer

Leave him. He's manipulating you and treating you horribly because he knows you will put up with it. His health problems are not your concern, especially if he has no regard for your feelings or well-being.

My boyfriend hits me when he's angry, and even locks the door so that no one can come in. After all this he begs me and says he won't do it again. Will this continue if we get married?

Community Answer

It will absolutely continue if you get married, no matter what he says. It might even get worse. When he says he won't do it again, he lying and trying to manipulate you. Can you even imagine having kids with this person? What would he do to them? Get out of there. Don't marry this man.

My husband has a quick, unpredictable temper and throws stuff at me, but I can't go to the police because it will put our religion in a bad light. What can I do?

Community Answer

There likely is a group within your religion that deals with domestic violence. Reach out to them and discuss your situation. You will be able to speak to women who have dealt with the same thing. Plenty of big religious leaders have spoken out about domestic violence. Domestic violence occurs in every walk of life.

If you decide to leave him, then you must do so and break all ties and communication with him. It is the only way you can successfully move on. He must respect this. He must leave you alone if you request it.

Keep in touch with your friends and family, even if he gets annoyed, jealous or tries to discourage you. These are the people who will help you keep your self respect, and help you to leave if things get tough.

Keep a copy of important keys and documents in a place where only you can find them so that if you need to make a quick escape you are not locked in the house and have access to your car and passport and anything else you need.

When you tell him it's over, make sure to do it in a place where you can be seen, but not necessarily heard, by other people. The last thing you want is to get abused as a result of trying to stop the abuse, and he will be less likely to try anything in a public area.

If your partner seems too good to be true at first, and slowly you grow more and more confused but ups and downs, mixed messages and empty promises, he may be gaslighting you into falling for him and training you to deny your inner compass and good judgement. It sneaks up on you, it doesn't fall for it! You are not crazy or alone in this!

Warnings

Some abusers can be excellent actors. Never underestimate this. Especially if you're thinking of leaving, and the abuser has a seemingly sudden change of personality, such as an unexpected positive sense, i.e. showering you with apology gifts, repeatedly saying how sorry they are, insisting they'll never treat you that way again, etc.

To recognize the signs of an abusive man, pay close attention if he is too quick to become exclusive or shows signs of intense jealousy, since this indicates the extreme behaviors common in abusers. Try talking to him about feelings, and monitor his reaction, because abusers often struggle to talk about emotions. If he shows signs of violence, like punching walls, or has a history of abuse, those are strong signs that he will continue abusive behavior in your relationship. To learn more from our Professional Counselor co-author, like how to evaluate your relationship, keep reading the article!

Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 427,720 times.

Reader Success Stories

LS

Lesley Shurlock

Feb 13, 2018

"It is so concisely set out, for example when it asks if I feel guilty then explains why this shows his manipulation. This was a huge "lightbulb" moment for me. I really find having the different aspects so clearly explained a massive help. Being in a relationship with these people makes you very confused. This clear list of things to watch for opens my eyes and puts me back in control."..." more

Rated this article:

KS

Kate Smith

Jan 25, 2017

"Amazed at how well this article explained my recent abusive relationship. Jealousy and isolation at the beginning, and then physical abuse started and escalated until I had to get out because I was almost killed. This article helped me so much!"..." more

A

Anonymous

May 23, 2017

"Signs and how to deal with them. Luckily only got out after only a few months, sadly he has gone to the worst extreme and threatened to kill himself if I don't go back. I am more upset by this than leaving him."..." more

A

Anonymous

Sep 19, 2016

"All of the warning signs of my relationship, the way he acts, the jealousy, is all spot on. Really helped me to see that he is actually abusive and that it's not a normal relationship."..." more

PM

Peris Mbuthia

May 4, 2016

"Learning an abuser is a great actor really hit home. I recently got into a relationship, my boyfriend does everything I hoped he wouldn't. This gave me all the closure I needed."..." more

Kristann Harrigan

Aug 20, 2017

"I just left an abusive relationship. Please keep this article up for others to evaluate their relationships. It gave good hindsight into abusive behavior and how to get out of it."..." more

RL

Rethabile Lekhooe

Apr 24, 2017

"I'm able to make my own decisions. I have been in this traumatizing relationship about 6 years. He always blames me when we have problems, I'm always wrong all the time."..." more

JT

Julie Taylor

Jul 1, 2016

"The fact that helped me most was that people who physically abuse their partners will continue to do so until the person being abused leaves."..." more

A

Anonymous

Sep 4, 2017

"Somehow it is difficult to understand the sign of abusive character as a result of East culture circumstance, so this is very useful."..." more

A

Anonymous

Aug 22, 2016

"The causes, the perfect actor, too quick to get into relationship. All, I agreed."

A

Anonymous

Jul 9, 2017

"All of it helped me. I need to get away but I'm so scared of what he will do. "

A

Anonymous

Jan 31, 2017

"Just a reminder that I had courage to leave and I have value. He deceived me."

"It is so concisely set out, for example when it asks if I feel guilty then explains why this shows his manipulation. This was a huge "lightbulb" moment for me. I really find having the different aspects so clearly explained a massive help. Being in a relationship with these people makes you very confused. This clear list of things to watch for opens my eyes and puts me back in control."..." more

Rated this article:

KS

Kate Smith

Jan 25, 2017

"Amazed at how well this article explained my recent abusive relationship. Jealousy and isolation at the beginning, and then physical abuse started and escalated until I had to get out because I was almost killed. This article helped me so much!"..." more

A

Anonymous

May 23, 2017

"Signs and how to deal with them. Luckily only got out after only a few months, sadly he has gone to the worst extreme and threatened to kill himself if I don't go back. I am more upset by this than leaving him."..." more

A

Anonymous

Sep 19, 2016

"All of the warning signs of my relationship, the way he acts, the jealousy, is all spot on. Really helped me to see that he is actually abusive and that it's not a normal relationship."..." more

PM

Peris Mbuthia

May 4, 2016

"Learning an abuser is a great actor really hit home. I recently got into a relationship, my boyfriend does everything I hoped he wouldn't. This gave me all the closure I needed."..." more