Saturday, April 19, 2008

Here We Go Again

Yesterday I had a reminder that healing does not occur in a straight line. I spent time processing a 25 year old memory. My heart sped up as I remembered an incident of abuse. I wondered how much longer such memories would hook my emotions. I wanted to say that after twenty-five years it shouldn't hurt any more. Have you ever felt that way?

In reality, however, I know that we can't look at a traumatic memory once, face it, file it away and never look at it again. When we expect emotional healing to happen in a linear way, we will be frustrated. It just doesn't work that way. It helps me to think of emotional healing as overlapping circles. Each time you revisit a specific memory of abuse you will be healing a different layer in your soul. One time you might experience the fear you felt, the next time you might deal with examining the beliefs you absorbed at the time of the abuse, another time you could vent the anger that the memory stirs, and another time around the circle you might work on being kind to yourself about how you responded at the time of the abuse.

I used to get frustrated, thinking that I wasn't making any progress. I felt the temptation yesterday to judge myself for reacting to my memory. Then I remembered how much healing comes each time around the circle, and I focused in on identifying what I needed to learn this time. It turned out, I hadn't allowed myself to admit previously my anger over being treated so disrespectfully. Once I acknowledged the anger, I felt peace again.

If you feel frustration with your own recovery from abuse, I have now been at this enough years that I can assure you that you are making progress. Each "backward" loop is adding a deeper layer of healing. It can be helpful to occasionally review what you have written in your journals and see how far you have come. Or if you don't use journaling much then you can talk to someone who has known you a long time and ask them if you have changed. Or you can, ask yourself what you were like before you embarked on emotional healing. How did you formerly deal with stress, how did you interact with people, and how did you talk to yourself?

Progress doesn't happen in a smooth, straight line--but healing happens, especially when we invite God to lead the process. Next time I feel like I am moving backwards, I am going to celebrate that I am ready to deal with another layer of healing. I am going to thank God for bringing me back around a loop to go a little deeper, because when you look at the big picture it is good news. I'll take every ounce of healing I can get. How about you?

Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman by Marie M. Fortune

Perfect Daughters by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.

Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden

Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Slay Your Own Dragons by Nancy Good

The Cinderella Syndrome by Lee Ezell

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.

The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee

Turning Fear to Hope by Holly Wagner Green

When Violence Comes Home: Help for Victims of Spouse Abuse by Tim Jackson and Jeff Olson

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

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Welcome

Being abused by another hurts deeply and creates many challenges. But you don't have to settle for merely being a survivor. You can become an overcomer with dazzling wings.

You might feel worthless--but you are not. You are valuable to the creator of the universe. A new life of freedom, peace, and joy awaits. Facing abuse, ending it, and healing from it is a huge journey that leaves behind hopelessness, embracing new life.

Just like myself and other abuse survivors, you can unfurl dazzling wings with the help of Jesus Christ.

This journey is possible. I've done it and so have other formerly abused women and men who have shared their stories with me. Come join us on a life-giving journey of change.

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About Me

For thirty-five years, I felt worthless. It seemed like I wore a sign across my chest inviting others to abuse me.
Unfortunately, I had an abundance of personal experience with being a victim of domestic violence, incest, emotional abuse, physical abuse, date rape, verbal abuse, and spiritual abuse. And then I experienced being the mother and stepmother of children who were assaulted by a pedophile.I felt like a cursed woman.
Since multiple people felt comfortable assualting me and then my children I assumed that there was something wrong with me. I had let me myself down in some unknown, mysterious way.
What if God let me down, too?
One day, in desperation, I prayed asking God to end the abuse.
God heard. He rescued me. He continues to heal me. His kindness, grace, and mercy far exceed anything I could’ve imagined or hoped for.
He has given me dazzling wings to soar above the pain of past abuse, spreading His message of hope: God does not approve of violence in any of its manifestations. He rescues those who cry out to Him. He heals the wounded.

Disclaimer

I share my thoughts and feelings on this blog about a very sensitive and personal topic, but I need to remind readers that I am not a licensed counselor or a legal advisor. Please weigh everything I say with prayer. Feel empowered to take what you want and leave the rest.