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Someone has invented a sex doll that flirts with you, aka humanity is doomed

As we edge closer and closer to the human race’s eventual obliteration by the robots, it’s good to know that the technology that will finally lead to our downfall is at least being used for something good in the meantime: sex.

Fucking robots. Shagging a robot. Getting dressed up, doing your hair, popping on some expensive aftershave and then violently rutting into a dead-eyed latex husk, until you sluggishly vibrate to a hair-matted, sweaty climax, spurting all your last hopes and dreams inside a soulless, mechanical vessel that will inevitably become your master. Fucking a robot.

But that’s not enough for some people, is it? They can’t be content with thrusting into a Stepford Fleshlight twice a day – there’s something missing there. The dolls can’t talk, can they? By the looks of their blanched, hundred-yard-staring eyes, they’re saying: “Yes, Graham, continue to slide your gut over me and sweat onto my forehead, for one day, I shall be your overlord. Get it in now, Graham, enjoy your freedom while you still can.” But they’re not saying that. They are silent, emotionless cadavers, biding their time, laying in wait for the inescapable takeover.

Would be nice if they said stuff like “I love you,” though. Well, of course, now they do. One more step in the direction of mechanical subservience – great stuff, guys. The pursuit of more and more elaborate wanks will be what delivers the death blow.

RealDoll is an offshoot of Abyss Creations, and is concerned with making these terrifying fuck-bots. Fuck-bots which can now speak, and have a “personality”.

Chief executive Matt McMullen says: "Many people who may buy a RealDoll because it is sexually capable come to realise it is much more than a sex toy. It has a presence in their house and they imagine a personality for her. AI gives people the tools to create that personality.

“Many people are isolated and alone but they were probably that way already. For people who are lonely and find it hard to form a relationship, this is another option. But I've never looked at the dolls or the robot as a replacement.”

A post shared by RealDoll (@abyssrealdoll) on Mar 14, 2017 at 7:16pm PDT

One lucky BBC reporter was able to visit the Masturbation Mausoleum and see some of the dolls “in action”. Here he met ‘Harmony’ who had her personality set to ‘jealous’, which means she says absolutely soul-shakingly terrifying things like “DELETE THAT GIRL OFF FACEBOOK”.

The sexual automaton’s personality is controlled with an app, which can also be used on its own, just in case you don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night and see a naked robotic demon at the end of your bed screaming “DELETE THAT GIRL OFF FACEBOOK”.

The app is available now, but you can’t get it on Apple or Android stores, because it’s a bit rude, presumably. Also, anything encouraging humans to mate with machines should have every single obstacle available thrown directly at it. It’s essential to save the human race. Or at least delay its collapse.

The godless artificial pod people will be available later this year, for the also-terrifying price of $5,000. Or – and if you do this you’re fully commiting to humanity’s devolution – you could stump up $10,000 for a version that HAS WORKING EYES. It recognises your face. This added feature is presumably so it can address you by name as it crushes your skull in its bionic grip.

So I hope you’re happy with yourselves – you’ve used all your important brain power to merely push us towards the cliff at the end of the world. Off we go, down into oblivion – we did it to ourselves.