Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Offer or Threat? YOU Make the Call!

The last time I heard from RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, he was scolding me for failing to pay my party dues ("I'm disappointed to see that you haven't renewed your RNC membership for 2014"). I don't actually remember joining or donating money in the past, but perhaps the Republican Party operates on the same principle as those heroin dealers who haunt the rusty chain-link perimeters of urban schoolyards -- "first one's free, kid" -- which would also explain these dunning emails I've been getting from Super Fly. Anyway, even though I'm apparently a welsher and a deadbeat with no disposable income or money management skills, Reince would still like my advice on retiring the national debt.

Scott,

We know that Washington has some serious problems when it comes to spending and debt.

All the other synecdoches are laughing at Washington's inability to get a Discover Card.

Barack Obama and Democrats leading the Senate don’t like to pass budgets and they certainly don’t like to live within a budget.

To be fair, the budget has one of those William Rehnquist-style covenants forbidding members of "the Negro race" from living in it.

But together, we can turn things around. We can fix America. We know we can.

But we suspect we'll fuck it up like we always do, then we'll speak in the editorial we to diffuse the blame.

At the heart of it all is a great American idea. And we know the best ideas don’t come from Washington—they come from you.

Finally -- someone willing to listen! Okay, here's my idea -- my best idea: Take two Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop Tarts, spread Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallow Creme on the back of each one and smush 'em together to make a sandwich, then put it in the Toast-R-Oven for two minutes. Bingo! Super-S'mores!

That’s why we’re launching our Fix America Challenge.

It's long past time we fixed America. You ask me, we should have had it neutered in 1789 (although I'm not crazy about making it competitive; I mean, how's that even supposed to work? Do Red America and Blue America each grab one of the country's testicles and starting pulling with all their might like they've got the greasy end of the wishbone?).

We want your best and brightest ideas on how you’d cut spending and reduce the debt.

Well, we could always downsize the branch of government that takes 239 days off a year, and outsources the remainder of their job to the puzzled recipients of spam emails.

Also, in the name of brute efficiency and cost-benefit ratios, we might replace the RNC's current spam email author with someone who realizes "The Best and the Brightest" was supposed to be ironic.

And the individual with the best idea will have an opportunity to discuss his or her idea with the top policy leaders who can do something about it: Congressman Paul Ryan and Senator Rand Paul.

"Do[ing] something about it" doesn't actually include "sponsoring a bill," since Congress has evolved beyond its original legislative business model in order to meet the challenges of a changing market, and has recently diversified into fields such as "repeatedly if ineffectively voting to repeal laws it previously passed when it used to pass laws" and "ginning up scandals on TV," since that seems to work nicely for TMZ, and Paul Ryan is much cuter than Harvey Levin.

Still, the Republican House is more likely to vote my Super S'morewich into law than, say, a jobs program, or extended unemployment benefits, so I expect to at least get a Post Office named after me. And not one of those crappy ones in a grocery store, either.

We’ll fly the winner and a guest to Washington, D.C., to have lunch with Congressman Paul Ryan, Senator Rand Paul and me.

A practice otherwise known as "extraordinary rendition."

Together, we can fix America. We just need you to share your best and brightest ideas on how you think we can.

Thanks,

Reince

Okay, you heard it, folks -- Reince has committed to the long, difficult process of saving our imperiled nation by buying lunch, so don't let him down. What are your best and brightest ideas for fixing America, and thereby preventing it from spraying its musky scent all over the couch?

Okay, here's my idea -- my best idea: Take two Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop Tarts, spread Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallow Creme on the back of each one and smush 'em together to make a sandwich, then put it in the Toast-R-Oven for two minutes. Bingo! Super-S'mores!

I AM INTRIGUED BY YOUR IDEAS AND WOULD LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR NEWSLETTER.~

Scott, I'd love to see you take this opportunity to get down and lunchy with the Sens., the better to verify oersistent rumors that one of them is actually an otherwise bodiless face attached to the back of the other's head, a la Voldemort in the first Harry Potter book -- and if so, who's attached to whom?

I do think you mens have this "fixing" thing bolluxed, though. Everyone knows that countries are girls. Brittania, La Belle France, Mother Russia. OK, so there's Die Vaterland, but that just proves the rule. So this fixing of which you speak is gonna be a bit more complex and expensive than a simple snip-snip. America may have to wear one of those little sweaters afterward, to keep her from trying to lick off her stitches.

Smut, but if they get rid of, to take an example purely at random, Florida and Texas, they will have to replace them with Puerto Rico and DC or Marianas or the flag won't work anymore. And nobody wants that now do they ?Suezboo

But it might also be anagrammatically signifying that he is in reality Prince Reiebus of the Saturnian Avocado People, advance emissary and ringleader of their diabolical plot to secure all of Earth's Cuisinarts. (All those yummy guacamole recipes were the last straw!)

To me, though, the name "Reince Priebus" has always had a weirdly automotive flavor to it. As in "the all-new 2014 Reince Priebus" -- a sort of an Italian version of the VW Westphalia -- or maybe one of those incredibly elegant, Art Deco-influenced roadsters from the 30s: "This beautifully restored 1933 Reince-Priebus was sold last year by Sotheby's for three-quarters of a million pounds."