Five minutes before closing time on a Saturday night a young man rushes into a local Chemist and says "Let's have three packs of Condoms, i have got a date this weekend with a Lass who is an absolute certainty, I will stick 'em in my Pocket" The Chemist say's Would you like a brown paper bag as well ? The young man replies, "Well i admit she is a bit ugly and a bit on the fat side but there again she does have quite a pretty face."

At my local Church Social last night i lost the General Knowledge Quiz by 1.point, Apparently the answer to the question "Where do women have the most Curly Hair" it seems is actually Africa. I have been requested to find another place of Worship........................................I was sat outside a Cafe having a beer and this most beautiful Cream Rolls Royce pulled in and out stepped this West Indian lad. as my table was the only one with room he sat down and we started talking. when i admired his car he told me that he arrived in the U.K. just a few short years ago with only Seven Pounds to his name. he went onto say that it was High Grade stuff worth about £200,000.

But really deep down he said he hated anyone that took Drugs. For Example "Customs Officers, Policemen, Sniffer Dogs"

I met a Geezer who used to poach around the Harewood Estate and he said he could get me Eight legs of Venison for £30. Is that price Cheap or is it Two Deer. ?............................................................ A young Jewish Lad goes to see hs Uncle Abe and says I need your Advice and I know you are extremely wise. His Uncle says "So tell me" The young man says my problem is I have Two girlfriends, One is very young and very very pretty but is Penniless, I really think i am in love with her. The other one is an older Widow who really ugly but is quite rich, buy's me jewellery and clothes plus i can borrow her Bentley when ever i wish. I really think that she is just lonely and want's someone to Marry and move in with. So Uncle Abe after listening to all that,,What do you think ?. The old man strokes his beard and replies " Well Son, after hearing all of that I really think you should follow your Heart and go with the One you love" .... "Just a thought,could you leave me the address of the Widow on your way out".

old motorist- why did you stop me for speeding, when everyone else is doing the same speed as me?Policeman- do you ever go fishing sir?Old motorist -Yes I do actuallyPoliceman - and do you catch all the fish in the river ?

Marriage is like a Pack of Cards , To begin with all you need are Two Hearts and a Diamond....... But before long all you wishing for is a Club and a Spade.......................................................................Moses says to God "Thank you Lord for Delivering us here in the Promised Land and also telling us we are to be known as the Chosen Few. just one thing is bothering us, You want us Lads to cut a piece of off the end of What!".......................................................................... In the Garden of Eden Adam says to Eve " Just stand back a bit Love, I am not quite sure just how big this thing gets"......................................We were so poor that when i was a Kid our Dad gave me an empty Khaki coloured box with a note inside "Action Man Deserter" My Mam gave a similar Box carrying two Batteries, this had a note "Toy Not Included"

We were so poor my mum used to take us to Leeds City Station to watch people going on holiday.One Christmas she she told us we had no presents because santa had fallen off the roof and was in hospital.We were so poor she used to sell pegs to gypsies.

Two medical students were walking down the street when they see an old man walking with his legs apart he was stiffed legged and walking slowly.One student says to his friend im sure the old man has Peltry Syndrome those people walk just like that.The other student says no i dont think so im sure the old man has Zovitzki Syndrome he walks slowly with his legs apart just like we learned in class .Since they couldnt agree they decided to ask the old man one of the students said to him were medical students we cant agree what syndrome you might have .The old man says tell me what you two fine students think the first student says i think its Peltry Syndrome the old man says you would be wrong.The second student says i think its Zovitzki Syndrome the old man said you would be wrong.So they ask him what do you have the old man says i thought it was wind but i was wrong.

I walked into the R.S.P.C.A. Offices today and it was so small you dare not swing a Cat in there............................................................................................I was going through the Jungle and I saw a Monkey with a Tin Opener in one hand and a Banana in the other . I said you don't need a Tin opener to peel a Banana. He said "Its not for the Banana stupid , it's for the Custard".........................................................................................................A spiv standing on the Golden Mile in Blackpool saw this Irish Couple going by and said "Hey, how would you like to buy two Buckets of Blackpool Seawater and I will only charge you for one". Paddy say's O.K. and I will pick them up later. When he returns the Tide has gone out. Paddy looked over the Rails and say's Wow, you must have had a Busy Day................................................................................ Sad News in the Baking and Entertainment Industry. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a Yeast infection plus Complications after repeatedly being Poked in the Belly, He is survived by his Wife Play Dough,three children, Jane Dough, John Dough and Dil Dough plus they have One in the Oven. Services to be held at 3.50. for about 20 minutes. No Flour by Request.