Oh Dreary Me…A New Low In Blogging

Auntie Dreary is the advice column of Dreary Cushion, the agony aunt for the popular publication Soft Furnishing And Psychology TV Guide, a weekly magazine devoted to all things psychologically comfy.

Dear Dreary,

I have recently noticed an object looking like a six foot bean bag on my settee that refuses to go away. It’s really started to annoy me as its always there when I come home from work, it never moves, occasionally it grunts and worst of all it’s now started to demand food and steal the remote control. What is it Dreary and what can I do to get rid of it?

Concerned of Dulwich

Don’t worry dear, it’s a common problem, there is even a special name for it, your six foot badly stuffed beanbag is called a husband. Unfortunately they are quite stubborn and take some shifting, other unfortunate sufferers of this problem, called wives, often swap tips on husband removal and you should seek their advice. Withdrawing food and water will get them to move occasionally but only as far as the kitchen, my best advice to you is to get a nice little flowery throw and whilst its sleeping cover it up.

Dear Dreary,

My best friend has suggested I get a tattoo on my bottom to make me more desirable, I however have doubts, I don’t want the small person from Fantasy Island drawn on my nether regions and much prefer a butterfly, how do I tell my friend I didn’t like Fantasy Island?

Big Butt Bertha from Brum

Calm down dear don’t get all in a lather, you are forgetting that he also played Nick Nack in the James Bond film, Man With A Golden Gun so having Tattoo on your bottom is actually quite cool, you could even use your ample arse as a pretend cave so Tattoo could be peering into it or out of it depending how much pain you wish to endure. As for your friend buy yourself a nice little throw and every time she mentions Tattoo or Nick Nack simply cover her with it.

Dear Dreary,

I have several cushions on my bed that match my feature wall, should I buy a throw for the end of the bed to match?

J.Oke of Tunbridge Wells Knitting Circle

No,No,No dear, your problem is your bedroom and its lack of use. I recommend a healthy dose of man action to restore your confidence. If that’s a problem then visit those nice people at Sann Hummers, they have some excellent ways to bring back the spicy things in life and pretty soon you will be swinging from the lampshades. Next time don’t be afraid to talk about sex dear, it’s quite natural you know.

Dear Dreary,

The spark has gone out of my marriage, my husband dresses up in my clothes even when I’m in the house and leers at passersby from the bedroom window whilst shouting obscenities. I’m at my wits end, what can I do? Should I leave him or seek professional help?

Desperate House Pet of Pontefract

It’s perfectly fine to dress windows with pelmets and curtains when you have more than six cushions on your furniture. Maybe a nice woolly rug would distract from your décor, alternatively buy yourself a nice little throw and some doilies for the backs of the sofa. One large cushion surrounded by six others can make a dramatic centre piece in any living room. Be bold with colour dear and you will feel better in no time at all.

Dear Dreary,

I am repairing my car and need a single 2mm sprocket grub screw but only have a 3mm grimble clip and a piece of rubber tubing, will it work as a replacement?

Mike Canic of Garage

If you shave a little off the grimble clip you will find the rubber tubing can be attached perfectly. I take it you have a Ford Mustard V2 judging from the use of a 2mm sprocket so on that basis, yes it will work. Just make sure you have a 6mm crocket anti clockwise spring to hold it all in place and everything will be fine.

If you wish to receive professional advice from Dreary Cushion then comment below on this blogs Facebook entry or alternatively write your problem on a ten pound note and post it down the back of the sofa.