Heidi Montag's workout regimen: 14 hours a day?!

You may look at Heidi Montag’s cartoonishly sexualized body and dismiss it is as the mere product of a frightening number of plastic surgeries. You couldn’t be more wrong. Montag works hard to look the way she does, harder than maybe anyone who’s ever lived. She told Us Weekly magazine that she’s spent the last two months working out 14 hours day. “I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now,” she told the magazine. “I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape.”

You might ask, why does Montag have to work harder than Lance Armstrong, who used to train 10 hours a day? Or harder than gold-medalist swimmer Dara Torres, who calls it a day after only six hours of exercise? Answer: Because they were only preparing for the Tour de France and the Olympics, respectively. Montag had a pool party to get ready for! Also working against her, Montag had to deal with other issues that complicated her fitness routine: “My breasts, because they’re so big, really needed some time [to recover],” she explained. “So I’m just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that’s normal.”

Sorry, but there’s nothing normal about any of this. For people who can’t conceive just how preposterous 14 hours of exercise is, it’s the equivalent of 350 miles on Armstrong’s bike, approximately 375 laps in Torres’ pool, or more than 20 consecutive start-to-finish playings of Montag’s 2010 album, Superficial. No one could possibly endure such physical punishment for such an extended period of time. (I’m talking about the 14 hours of relentless exercise, not the acoustic accompaniment. Though I appreciate how you might confuse the two.)

Are you looking forward to the Montag Marathon Workout video, Volumes I-XIV?