Late Periods and Immaculate Conception: It Can Happen to You

This might be TMI, but I’m late getting my period this month. Like two weeks late. Which is not just an “Oh, maybe I miscounted a couple days” kind of late, but more of a “Holy crap, should I buy a pregnancy test” late. At this point, I don’t even need the test. I’m pregnant. I’m sure of it. I can just skip the trip to the drug store and head right on to my local abortion clinic. Or, you know, I can always welcome a bouncing baby in nine months. That’s an option, too.

Here’s the thing, though. I haven’t had sex in over six months. Before you mock my dry spell (It happens to the best of us!!), let me ask you this. Do you ever simply have an irregular month with your period and suddenly you get this overwhelming, crippling feeling that you’re pregnant? Suddenly that over-the-jeans dick grope you shamefully copped last weekend is THE THING that knocked you up. Because that’s how conception works. Those super sperm swam through someone’s boxers and Levi’s, through your pants and underwear (if you were wearing a skirt you’re probably preggo with twins now #realtalk), up your vagina and Jesus took the wheel on the rest. Heavy petting = babies. When you’re expecting your period and it just. ain’t. comin’., that logic seems pretty…well…logical.

I’m sure I’ll get my period at some point, that’s just science. But until it catches me wearing white pants without a tampon on hand and decides to show up, I’ll continue to worry and make a list of suitable baby names.