Clarion 1982-04-01 Vol 57 No 00

the Carri Vol. 1001, No. 1/4 Battle College, Ardent Hole, MN April Fool '82
As the smell of Lutefisk wafts over the forty Founders held hostage, Mr. and Mrs. Nilskun read the
directions given by the Interim sign language class, although Mr. Nilskun is blind (photo by D. Lan
Coped).
Founders snatched in fishy fiasco
"We're striking back" (photo by D. Nalepoc Nod).
Black-out causes
by Jovann Nivs at
All information on the
Bethel computer system
was lost on March 28 when
the electricity on the Ar-den
Hills campus was cut
off during a severe snow
storm. Wiped out were all
academic registration in-formation,
financial ac-count
balances and the
alumni records.
An unidentified but very
reliable source in the Re--
gistrar's office said the loss
could be chaotic. Lost from
the computer records was
information relating to stu-dents'
transcripts, current
class lists and student
biographical data. The
source admitted that the
office is not sure how the
information will be repro-grammed
into the compu-ter.
Information is needed
daily to verify graduation
requirements and to send
out transcripts. The source
suggested only one possi-ble
option for re-gathering
the information: request
students to supply infor-mation
regarding classes
and grades received while
at Bethel.
The banking windows
have been closed this week
as a result of the erasure of
student account informa-tion.
A window worker
said in an interview that
she has heard no word as
to what the college will be
doing in regard to the ac-counts.
She reported hearing ru-mors,
however, including
balancing of all accounts
at zero balance due. A par-tial
record of accounts is
traceable through checks
but she stated she does
not know how they..plan
to verify cash payments.
There are receipts for pay-ments,
but there is a ques-tion
as to the complete-ness
of receipt records.
No withdrawals will be
allowed on students sav-ings
accounts until the ex-istence
of funds in the ac-count
is verified.
The alumni office lost
the record of current ad-dresses
which was stored
on in the computer sys-tem.
This loss could result
in budget cuts for 1982-83,
as a major fund-raising
campaign was to begin
April 15. Left with a ske-leton
mailing list, incom-ing
funds from the cam-paign
are expected to de-crease
drastically.
w
Typewriters to strike Bethel
by John E. Janson
It was discovered late
last night that 40 Found-ers
have been held hos-tage
since late January.
They were allegedly taken
hostage by the interim sign
language class, which is
apparently the reason no
one knew about it until
now.
The hostage situation
was discovered when the
silent captors moved their
hostages from the Orange
Listening Room, where
they had been held since
January 29, 1982, to the
fourth floor of the Fine
Arts building and placed
them in solitary confine-ment,
each hostage in a
separate practice room.
"I knew something was
strange when I went in to
use one of the practice
rooms to practice on my
bongos," said senior music
major Barb Brainsample,
better known as Bongo
Barb. "I looked into sev-eral
of the rooms, but they
were all being used. At
first I thought they were
practicing, but then I no-ticed
the gags in their
mouths."
Brainsample immediate-ly
notifed the night
watchman, Maynard Beef-cakes,
who was heard to
comment, "Oh boy! This
will be even more fun than
writing tickets."
The sign language ter-rorists
are making several
demands for the release of
their hostages and a spe-cialist
has been called in
to translate.
The only demands de-ciphered
so far have been
"Fish must be forever
stricken from the Food
Service menu," and "There
must be a Marcel Marceau
movie festival in the gym."
When asked why she
hadn't notified the police
when she notice her hus-band
hadn't returned from
Founder's Week, Mrs. Lena
Lutefiskson replied, "He
never came back from
Founder's Week? No won-der
I've been talking to my-self
lately!"
The administration has
decided not to give in to
the demands of the terror-ists,
saying, "If we give
into these people, the next
thing you know, every in-terim
class is going to
think they can walk all
over us. The mural class
will want to paint murals
on the gym floor, and the
horticulture class will
want to turn the Coffee
Shop into a greenhouse.
Besides, we like fish."
It is not known yet how
the terrorists will respond
to the administration's
stand. There is fear that
they may force the hos-tages
to memorize back
see page 7
by Bervilous Nerg
Typewriters in the Stu-dent
Affairs office have
gone on strike at Bethel.
"We feel we're being treat-ed
only as objects, and not
as an integral part of stu-dent
life here," said one
Smith-Corona.
The typewriters are ad-vocating
for more input on
student proposals, equal
time in working hours and
a clarification of respon-sibility.
"It is imperative
that students know we
have no input or sayso
whatsoever in the memos
they receive," said another
Olympia.
Often blamed for mis-takes
they did not make, a
spokesribbon of the Typ-writers'
Union Pool of
America is asking for more
correction fluid and less
operater input. "We stress
the fact that it is the oper-aters
who make the mis-take,"
said the spokesrib-bon.
If we had more in-put,
crucial mistakes
could then be corrected
automatically or avoided
all together."
Officials in Student Af-fairs
are holding -up well
under the stress, accord-ing
to Secretary Seb Del-vey.
Small hand-run print-ing
presses have been
brought in to some offices,
but most are resorting to
the age old method of
communicating written
thoughts: handwriting.
"Some are having con-tests
just as they did back
in grade school, and some-times
the competitive spi-rit
gets beyond the Chris-tian
balance," said Rarlie
Chetts.
Others are finding this
an opportunity. "This will
give me a chance to use
those desk pens I've been
getting for Christmas,
birthdays and Father's
Day ever since I took this
job," said Nack Mettleton.
"I guess the givers of the
pens were aware that some-thing
like this could occur.
It's good to be prepared in
advanced for a strike like
this," he added.
Page 2
I GOT A DATE! 1 GOT A DATE!
by Jovann Nivskat
Betty Smith, Bethel stu-dent,
reported to the Car-rion
that she was recently
asked out on a date by a
male member of the Bethel
community. _
Smith said she was sit-ting
in the coffee shop on
Thursday, March 25, while
she waited for her room-mate
to get out of class.
She was reading the flyer
on tuition increases for
82-83 when John Jones sat
down across from her.
Smith reported that talk
first centered on how
classes were going and
where they each planned
to live next year.
"I almost fainted when
he said, 'Are you busy next
Friday night?"' Smith sta-ted.
"It just took me so by
surprise."
Jones said that he had
wanted to ask Smith out
for two months before he
decided to ask her.
"I wanted to ask her to
something off-campus so
that we wouldn't be label-ed
at Bethel as almost en-gaged,"
said Jones. He said
that they will be going to
hear a concert and proba-bly
out for lunch after-wards.
Smith said she thinks it
will be a really enjoyable
night. "I wish more guys
would ask girls out. We're
not all out to get married. I
like to go out and just do
things."
This is the fourth re-ported
occurance of a boy
asking a girl out this
month. It brings the total
number to a record-break-ing
year total of 38.
Bethelites place fifth in
weed response contest
1.
Ultimately, the contest
is aimed at improvement
of research and regulatory
work on weeds and weed
Braille won top honors
olitan Weed-Watching contest
1 his Iowan heritage (photo by
propaganda.
"I think this is just a
really neat opportunity to
reach out, to show those
weeds somebody loves
them and has a wonderful
plan for their lives," com-mented
a Bethel parti-cipant.
A team from Bethel
placed fifth in the 1981
Metropolitan Collegiate
Weed Watching Contest in
Holendale, Minnesota,
March 33 and 34.
Eight students, 6 coach-es,
and 12 judges partici-pated
in the contest spon-sored
by the Metropolitan
Weed. Liberation Organi-
.
nation (MWLO).
Team competition con-sisted
of sprayer calibra-tion,
crop/weed response
to analytical therapy,
weed identification crises,
and recommendations of
herbicides to control .var-ious
psychological com-plexes.
Recognition was also
given to top contestants—
whether as single or team
entrants—with the top
three individual scores in
categories of herbicide
identification, weed iden-tification,
and self-iden-tification.
by Cary Clout
I have this nightmare which torments me every April
Fools' night. It's kind of weird, and I really don't know
what to make of it. I'll try describing it, but remember, I
warned you:
Divorce endorsers, gossip sociologists and albino winos
wait idly for the rewards of life at death's dormitory.
The Whirled Vision poster child has been there; he
knows.
"When will the Copernicus revolution of the ego take
place?" someone cries.
"Not now," said the legions of xeroxed graduates
who, after four long years to conceal their humanness,
want to add to the odor of civilization.
Unperturbed, the incumbent chaplains of industry
continue propheteering a gospel of pollution, alienation
and exploitation.
Although international kleptomaniacs had to pause
for a peace fire long enough to breed new sodiers, Albert
Salvador and the democracy travel agency found a new
market.
With stockpiles of insanity insured by Lloyd's of
London to be annihilatively efficient, atomic reduction-ists
radiantly give their half-lives to harlequin scen-arios.
by John E. Janson
It's going to be a really
"Under stress we are more
than under normal circum-prone
to break-downs
stances, to use an exam-ple."
Standard will feature an
exclusive interview with
the former typewritter of
entitled, "Must I Be Held
President Larl Cundquist,
Responsible For His Mis-spelled
Words?"
The next issue of The
be the new ship's doctor. I
it, I ran right out and app-lied.
I was chosen over
thousands...hundreds...
well, o.k., one other guy, to
to-be-christened cruise
ver, the new ship's doctor
for the brand new, soon-terrific
experience," said
Dr. Joseph "Bones" Cada-ship
now docked on Lake
Valentine.
"A soon as I heard about
• • • •
You write this
headline Clout! Meanwhile, the mystics of materialism display their
doctrinal positions to the organic world. Comparative
physiologists vend one-handed literature and super-market
libido-helper to a generation of abortionists
carrying impotent love.
Pulpit drug dealers enchant females to protestant
themselves for the immortal life. Their good friends,
Chocolate Jesus and Mr. God (renowned hero and talk
show guest) smile gracefully....
By this time I usually wake up screaming. I quickly
remember who I am ... a Christian at Bethel, about to
graduate and enter into the job market and maybe even
marry.
Then I feel foolish having such dreams. Stupid
dreams, they sometimes seem so real.
can hardly wait."
The cruise ship Flavia,
which will soon be re-christened
"The Dove
Boat," was towed to its
new sailing grounds last
Wednesday. Only minor
flooding occurred from the
water displacement, and
plans are now under way
for the rebuilding of
guard's shack and the
health service.
Cruise packages will in-clude
the Lightning Tour,
which only takes a half
hour and includes a deli-cious
bag lunch, compli-ments
of the Bethel Food
Service. Also offered will
be a Super Deluxe Pack-age
Tour that takes a
week. Exciting ports of call
will include fabulous
Town House West, the ex-otic
seminary complex,
and the fascinating semi-nary
apartments. There
will even be a romantic
night tour of Sem Hill.
The ship was originally
intended for use as hous-ing
for incoming freshmen.
Then it was to be turned
into a new fieldhouse. But
someone in the Student
Senate suggested that it
be kept as a cruise ship.
This way, new dorms and
a new field house could be
built from the revenues. It
would also be a great way
to dispose of the left-overs
from the Food Service.
III Ilk.
from first page
In the meantime, the
typewriters are willing to
negotiate to reach a set-tlement.
" Communication
is important," said Strilyn
Marr. Pickets will only be
erected if the negotiations
are not economically feas-ible,
according to the
Spokesribbon.
People must learn that
we are just like them in
many ways," an IBM said.
The soon to be rechristened Dove Boat resting at anchor in her
new stomping grounds, exotic Lake Valentine.
Vol. 1001, No. 1/4
April Fool '82 elk fal
Battle College, Ardent Hole, MN MI W
LeAnnella Knickerski, editor
Jovann Nivskat, associate editor
Bendy, Norverg, sports editor
D. Nalepoc Nod, photography editor
Gin Groepe, copy editor
Bervilous Nerg, editorial assistant
Darwood J. Anice, editorial assistant
John E. Janson, editorial assistant
Nyeth B. Strom, graphics editor
Lar Son Tim, graphics
Cary Clout, columnist
Wengel Endi, staff assistant
Gone Dark, sports writer
Job Corps expands:
buys out new campus Over 250 members of Bethel
community arrested in March
by law enforcement officials
FE agent Dick Tracy wrested when he was caught going through PO boxes_ looking for money
(photaby D. Nalepoc Nod).
by Jovann Nivskat
Over 250 members of
the Bethel community
were arrested during the
month 'of March by law
enforcement officials. Stu-dents
and staff were charg-ed
with a variety of of-fenses,
including illegal
use of the postal system
fraudulent charging of
phone calls to a credit card
number and unpaid park-ing
violations.
The largest number was
nabbed in a sting opera-tion
on Wednesday, March
17. Federal Bureau of In-vestigation
(FBI) agents
stationed themselves stra-tegically
at the corners of
the post office area on the
first floor of the LRC
building. The agents were
cleverly disguised in top-siders,
Lee jeans and alli-gator
shirts. As students
circulated in the area, the
agents watched for any
subversive stuffing of the
PO boxes from the outside
or looking in someone
else's box.
By chapel time, 10:20
a.m., 34 students, one
maintenance employee and
three faculty members had
been charged. Dick Tracy,
commanding FBI agent, re-ported
the agents had their
business time during cha-pel,
trying to watch those
milling about the area.
At 11 a.m. a bake sale
across from the post office
from the back
this year's cross country
squad and is currently
sports writer for the
school's paper, the Car-rion.
Norberg, current
sports editor for the paper,
holds various Bethel dis-tance
records, and Clark,
also a staff sports writer,
is new to the college, yet is
already making his mark
as one of its better dis-tance
competitors.
Whybrew explained,
"We felt we owe it to the
more over
there
from the front?
resulted in at least 142 imprisonment. This long-additional
arrests. Tracy term sentence was given
reported that members to one faculty member who
from all factions of the charged a conference call
Bethel community were to 46 colleges in other
caught in the act of put- countries and delivered
ting food in other people's his/her two-hour lecture
PO boxes. Tracy said that over the lines to the other
even though the food was schools.
top quality, it is not per- Local Arden Hills offi-missible
to use the facili- cials were involved in a
ties of the post office for recent crack-down on mo-personal
items. (Tracy and for vehicle violations.
the agents unanimously People with outstanding
agreed on the quality of tickets for parking over-the
food following con- night in fire lanes were
sumption of the evidence.) issued summons to appear
Earlier in the month, in court.
March 3- 13, the Ramsey A number of tickets
County sheriff's office was were also issued on cam-involved
in arresting 87 pus for moving violations;
students and 14 faculty one official told the Car-members
for charging rion that these were "some
phone calls to an illegal of the most moving vio-credit
card number, said lations in my career."
to belong to Burt Reynolds. Throughout the day six
As reported in the Oct. bus drivers, 76 students,
9, 1981 issue of the Clar- and 58 seminarians were
ion, charges would be issued tickets for speed-made
for all calls charged ing over the speed bumps.
to the number. John Walk- Eight of these seminary
er, information supervisor students were arrested for
for Northwestern Bell, arguing with the police
stated in the article that officer that a speeding tic-
Bell planned to collect for ket was not in violation of
the calls and that if the Biblical principles.
calls were not paid for, But by far the biggest
further prosecution could shocks came when a search
follow. of the Campus Ministries
Ann Johnson, one of the see page 5
students who used the
number, said she had not
heard anything from Bell
concerning her calls to
Tanzania so she had not
worried about it. Thurs-day,
March 11, she was
arrested as she left her
townhouse. Johnson faces
a fine of $3,000 and up to a
year in jail for the charges
she made.
Other students and fa-culty
members have incur-red
fines ranging from
$10-4,500 and jail senten-ces
from overnight to life
from over
there
school and to ourselves to
discover the secret con-nection
between sports
writing and distance run-ning.
We hope to find out
why so many of us have
been afflicted in the same
way. We're on a mission
from God."
The group approached
athletic director George
Henry and Carrion ad-vuipso
rE Awlveer a Mickelsen with
Top 10 and then some
I Can't Go For That
—Lifestyle Revision Committee
Daddy's Home For Good
—Dr. George K. Brushaber
Let's Get Spiritual
—Olivia Newton Munchie
Tie A Preppie Shoelace 'Round the
Royal Oak Tree
—Campus Coordinates
'65 Public Affairs
—Curt and the Alumni Bunch
DISCo Duck
—Edgren Solidarity Movement
Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Bed
—Silvercrest 2130
We Are Community
—Sister Sludge
All You Need Is Bucks
—Admissions Office
YLRC
—Arden Village People
Weekend in New Brighton
—Orkin Silverfish Squadron
c from down there
their proposal for the run
to see if Bethel could help
fund the project.
"Both of them were ex-cited
about the idea" said
Norberg. "They've totally
taken the financial wor-ries
and the promotional
hassles out of our hands
so we are free to train for
the effort. We've all been
pounding out the stories,
sometimes twice daily, in
preparation."
The group said they pick-ed
their Anchorage desti-nation
mainly because "I'm
from there," said Clark,
"and we know for sure
that we have a place to
stay overnight."
The run will start some-time
after finals are over
on friday, May 21, in front
of the Carrion office. "The
halls should be empty by
then, so our first mile will
be pretty fast. Our goal is
to average 4-minute miles
on the whole trip," said
Whybrew.
The threesome is hop-ing
more writers will ex-press
interest in taking
part in the run. If more
information is desired or
if you would like to make
a donation to the project
send a check payable to
"Royal Run for Sports
Journalism," to PO 539,
934, or 2418. Your pledges
are tax deductible.
The Bethel Dart team began practice this week for the upcoming
season. Captain Kevin Walton, last year's leading scorer for the
Royals, demonstrates his winning form. Coach Henry George
says "Kevin has potential to advance to this year's national tour-nament
in Bullseye, Montana. The rest of the team looks strong
too, and we expect to compete well on the local level. Our first
meet is April 10 at the Presbyterian Home in Roseville."
The Royal basketball team burst Into the national limelight be-hind
the outstanding performance of John Priestly, who was
named MVP after the Royals captured the NCAA tide
SPORTS FLASHES
Bethel hockey coach
Craig Dahl received the
good news today that the
admissions department
has accepted the applica-tion
of Wayne Gretzky to
Bethel.
Gretzky, who broke the
NHL scoring record two
seasons in a row, cited the
"need for a more challeng-ing
league" in which to use
his scoring skills as the
major reason for his ap-plication
to Bethel.
Said Gretzky, "It got to
the point that it was no
fun scoring all the time
and I was hardly trying. I
know that in the MIAC I'll
be forced to work for ever
shot I take."
"Naturally, I'm excited to
have a player of Wayne's
caliber on my team," said
Dahl. "But as you know,
we lost only one senior
last year so he'll have to
work to make any line.
There are definitely no
sure spots on this team."
•• •
The Bethel Athletic De-partment
has accepted an
invitation from Minnesota
Twins owner Calvin Grif-fith
to have the Royal
baseball team open the
season at the Metrodome
in an exhibition game.
The Twins were origi-nally
scheduled to play
the Los Angeles Dodgers
in the opening of the dome,
but the Dodgers decided
to remain in Florida at
their spring training base
to work on their tans be-fore
the regular season
begins.
The Bethel coaching
staff hasn't decided who
will start against the
Twins, but the American
League club has an-nounced
that it will open
with Chico Esquela.
When asked about how
he will pitch to the Royal
hitters, Esquela, a native
of the Dominican Repub-lic
said, "baseball has been
bery, bery good to me."
• •
Mike Hanley, a starting
guard on the Royal bas-ketball
team, was the 1982
winner of the Contusion,
Concussion and Charge
Award, the NCAA an-nounced
today.
Despite a slow start,
Hanley finished the sea-son
with 147 contusions
and 32 concussions in 53
attempts (.603) and 48 of-fensive
fouls for a season
total of 228, well ahead of
the second-place finisher.
Hanley was honored
that he won the award
and expressed hopes of
doing even better next
season, assuming his at-tending
physician releases
him from traction before
next fall. •• •
Sally Anitougik sur-prised
a coliseum crowd
last Wednesday when she
won the finals of the Min-nesota
Tough Guy Boxing
Tournament.
Anitougik, a freshman
in Edgren, used her 6'4",
250 pound build to ad-vance
past two prelimi-nary
bouts before winning
by TKO, 2:13 into the
second round. Anitougik
received 500 dollars for
her effort.
Reports also have it that
head football coach Dud
Lutton is filing for a
change in the rules which
prohibit women playing
in the league.
• • •
The fieldhouse project
which Bethel's athletic de-partment
has fought long
and hard to bring to real-ity
has been, according to
reliable sources, cancelled.
In its place the proposi-tion
was made to build an
on-campus rollerskating
rink. This decision was
made by the Admissions
office in conjunction with
the Campus Coordinators
after looking at the pro-jected
freshman enroll-ment
figures.
The proposal states:
"Due to the expected in-crease
in freshman enroll-ment
it is felt that Saints
Roller Rink would not be
able to safely accommo-date
these numbers. An en-larged
version of the
Saints rink should be
erected on campus as rol-lerskating
has become a
major Campus Coordina-tors
event. To deny future
students this opportunity
could decrease student un-ity
and morale or could
force students out on the
street in search of substi-tute
activities. To fund this
project we propose that
funds collected for use on
the fieldhouse project be
reassigned to the new "Pro-ject
Rollerrink."
Construction on the new
structure is to begin this
summer and it will be
erected on the site former-ly
allocated for the field-house.
Page 8 sports
Records break as
trackmen take dive
wind its way north along
Minnesota interstates and
Canadian backtrails to the
halfway point in Anchor-age,
Alaska. There the
group plans a complete 2-
hour sightseeing tour of
the city before retracing
were led by tourney MVP
John Priestly, the team's
former assistant coach.
Priestly was previously
thought to have completed
his collegiate career but
was found to have one
season of eligibility left
World record holder Tom Plocker, just before his outstanding
performance in the 800 meter fall (photo by D. Nalepoc Nod).
by Gone Dark
The Bethel track team
broke several school and
world records during its
spring trip to Arizona last
week.
Measuring off different
distances for his runners
on the cliffs of the Grand
Canyon, Steve Whittaker
had his athletes plunge to
their death as he timed the
fall.
Tom Plocker set the first
school and world record
when he flew past the 800-
meter mark in a time of
one-minute, 12.34 seconds.
Mike ,Dirks covered the
400 meters in 28.68 and
Dave Jorgensen breezed
past 1,500 meters in
2:02.65.
Plocker, Dirks and Jor-gensen
were unavailable
for comment, but Whit-taker
said he was pleased
with his runners' perfor-mances
and expresed
hopes of finding higher
cliffs for his long-distance
runners to improve their
times.
Writers
organize
GC run
by Bendy Norverg
Three Bethel runners are
organizing the first annual
"Royal Cross Country and
Back Run for Sports Jour-nalism."
The rugged 6,000 mile
course is to begin on the
Bethel college campus,
by Gone Dark
The Bethel men's bas-ketball
team capped a
cinderella season when it
captured the NCAA bas-ketball
championship in
New Orleans. The Royals
its steps back to Bethel.
The three hardy writers
who are planning this trip
are Richard Whybrew,
John Clark, and Wendy
Norberg. Whybrew led
See page 7
just prior to the tourna-ment.
Priestly was quick-ly
inserted into the start-ing
line-up, where he com-piled
stats of 34 points per
game, 21 rebounds and an
astounding 9 blocked
shots per contest.
Another factor in the
Royals' play was the
brightness of coach
Gorge Palke's suit. The
Bethel players were pro-perly
equipped with the
necessary eyewear so as
not to be affected by the
suits's glow. The Tar Heels,
on the other hand, were
not so fortunate as a season
of tough Atlantic Coast
Conference play had not
prepared them for the
awesome light given off
by Palke's blue and gold
suit.
A note of gloom was
cast on the Royals' tri-umph
as a possible viola-tion
of NCAA eligibility
rules may have occured.
Rumor has it that Priestly,
also an ordained minister,
may have flunked his In-troduction
to Biblical
Studies course as a fresh-man.
If such rumors are
founded it could lead to
sanctions against the pro-gram
as well as being
stripped of the national
title.
`Priest' leads BB team to NCAA crown

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the Carri Vol. 1001, No. 1/4 Battle College, Ardent Hole, MN April Fool '82
As the smell of Lutefisk wafts over the forty Founders held hostage, Mr. and Mrs. Nilskun read the
directions given by the Interim sign language class, although Mr. Nilskun is blind (photo by D. Lan
Coped).
Founders snatched in fishy fiasco
"We're striking back" (photo by D. Nalepoc Nod).
Black-out causes
by Jovann Nivs at
All information on the
Bethel computer system
was lost on March 28 when
the electricity on the Ar-den
Hills campus was cut
off during a severe snow
storm. Wiped out were all
academic registration in-formation,
financial ac-count
balances and the
alumni records.
An unidentified but very
reliable source in the Re--
gistrar's office said the loss
could be chaotic. Lost from
the computer records was
information relating to stu-dents'
transcripts, current
class lists and student
biographical data. The
source admitted that the
office is not sure how the
information will be repro-grammed
into the compu-ter.
Information is needed
daily to verify graduation
requirements and to send
out transcripts. The source
suggested only one possi-ble
option for re-gathering
the information: request
students to supply infor-mation
regarding classes
and grades received while
at Bethel.
The banking windows
have been closed this week
as a result of the erasure of
student account informa-tion.
A window worker
said in an interview that
she has heard no word as
to what the college will be
doing in regard to the ac-counts.
She reported hearing ru-mors,
however, including
balancing of all accounts
at zero balance due. A par-tial
record of accounts is
traceable through checks
but she stated she does
not know how they..plan
to verify cash payments.
There are receipts for pay-ments,
but there is a ques-tion
as to the complete-ness
of receipt records.
No withdrawals will be
allowed on students sav-ings
accounts until the ex-istence
of funds in the ac-count
is verified.
The alumni office lost
the record of current ad-dresses
which was stored
on in the computer sys-tem.
This loss could result
in budget cuts for 1982-83,
as a major fund-raising
campaign was to begin
April 15. Left with a ske-leton
mailing list, incom-ing
funds from the cam-paign
are expected to de-crease
drastically.
w
Typewriters to strike Bethel
by John E. Janson
It was discovered late
last night that 40 Found-ers
have been held hos-tage
since late January.
They were allegedly taken
hostage by the interim sign
language class, which is
apparently the reason no
one knew about it until
now.
The hostage situation
was discovered when the
silent captors moved their
hostages from the Orange
Listening Room, where
they had been held since
January 29, 1982, to the
fourth floor of the Fine
Arts building and placed
them in solitary confine-ment,
each hostage in a
separate practice room.
"I knew something was
strange when I went in to
use one of the practice
rooms to practice on my
bongos," said senior music
major Barb Brainsample,
better known as Bongo
Barb. "I looked into sev-eral
of the rooms, but they
were all being used. At
first I thought they were
practicing, but then I no-ticed
the gags in their
mouths."
Brainsample immediate-ly
notifed the night
watchman, Maynard Beef-cakes,
who was heard to
comment, "Oh boy! This
will be even more fun than
writing tickets."
The sign language ter-rorists
are making several
demands for the release of
their hostages and a spe-cialist
has been called in
to translate.
The only demands de-ciphered
so far have been
"Fish must be forever
stricken from the Food
Service menu," and "There
must be a Marcel Marceau
movie festival in the gym."
When asked why she
hadn't notified the police
when she notice her hus-band
hadn't returned from
Founder's Week, Mrs. Lena
Lutefiskson replied, "He
never came back from
Founder's Week? No won-der
I've been talking to my-self
lately!"
The administration has
decided not to give in to
the demands of the terror-ists,
saying, "If we give
into these people, the next
thing you know, every in-terim
class is going to
think they can walk all
over us. The mural class
will want to paint murals
on the gym floor, and the
horticulture class will
want to turn the Coffee
Shop into a greenhouse.
Besides, we like fish."
It is not known yet how
the terrorists will respond
to the administration's
stand. There is fear that
they may force the hos-tages
to memorize back
see page 7
by Bervilous Nerg
Typewriters in the Stu-dent
Affairs office have
gone on strike at Bethel.
"We feel we're being treat-ed
only as objects, and not
as an integral part of stu-dent
life here," said one
Smith-Corona.
The typewriters are ad-vocating
for more input on
student proposals, equal
time in working hours and
a clarification of respon-sibility.
"It is imperative
that students know we
have no input or sayso
whatsoever in the memos
they receive," said another
Olympia.
Often blamed for mis-takes
they did not make, a
spokesribbon of the Typ-writers'
Union Pool of
America is asking for more
correction fluid and less
operater input. "We stress
the fact that it is the oper-aters
who make the mis-take,"
said the spokesrib-bon.
If we had more in-put,
crucial mistakes
could then be corrected
automatically or avoided
all together."
Officials in Student Af-fairs
are holding -up well
under the stress, accord-ing
to Secretary Seb Del-vey.
Small hand-run print-ing
presses have been
brought in to some offices,
but most are resorting to
the age old method of
communicating written
thoughts: handwriting.
"Some are having con-tests
just as they did back
in grade school, and some-times
the competitive spi-rit
gets beyond the Chris-tian
balance," said Rarlie
Chetts.
Others are finding this
an opportunity. "This will
give me a chance to use
those desk pens I've been
getting for Christmas,
birthdays and Father's
Day ever since I took this
job," said Nack Mettleton.
"I guess the givers of the
pens were aware that some-thing
like this could occur.
It's good to be prepared in
advanced for a strike like
this," he added.
Page 2
I GOT A DATE! 1 GOT A DATE!
by Jovann Nivskat
Betty Smith, Bethel stu-dent,
reported to the Car-rion
that she was recently
asked out on a date by a
male member of the Bethel
community. _
Smith said she was sit-ting
in the coffee shop on
Thursday, March 25, while
she waited for her room-mate
to get out of class.
She was reading the flyer
on tuition increases for
82-83 when John Jones sat
down across from her.
Smith reported that talk
first centered on how
classes were going and
where they each planned
to live next year.
"I almost fainted when
he said, 'Are you busy next
Friday night?"' Smith sta-ted.
"It just took me so by
surprise."
Jones said that he had
wanted to ask Smith out
for two months before he
decided to ask her.
"I wanted to ask her to
something off-campus so
that we wouldn't be label-ed
at Bethel as almost en-gaged,"
said Jones. He said
that they will be going to
hear a concert and proba-bly
out for lunch after-wards.
Smith said she thinks it
will be a really enjoyable
night. "I wish more guys
would ask girls out. We're
not all out to get married. I
like to go out and just do
things."
This is the fourth re-ported
occurance of a boy
asking a girl out this
month. It brings the total
number to a record-break-ing
year total of 38.
Bethelites place fifth in
weed response contest
1.
Ultimately, the contest
is aimed at improvement
of research and regulatory
work on weeds and weed
Braille won top honors
olitan Weed-Watching contest
1 his Iowan heritage (photo by
propaganda.
"I think this is just a
really neat opportunity to
reach out, to show those
weeds somebody loves
them and has a wonderful
plan for their lives," com-mented
a Bethel parti-cipant.
A team from Bethel
placed fifth in the 1981
Metropolitan Collegiate
Weed Watching Contest in
Holendale, Minnesota,
March 33 and 34.
Eight students, 6 coach-es,
and 12 judges partici-pated
in the contest spon-sored
by the Metropolitan
Weed. Liberation Organi-
.
nation (MWLO).
Team competition con-sisted
of sprayer calibra-tion,
crop/weed response
to analytical therapy,
weed identification crises,
and recommendations of
herbicides to control .var-ious
psychological com-plexes.
Recognition was also
given to top contestants—
whether as single or team
entrants—with the top
three individual scores in
categories of herbicide
identification, weed iden-tification,
and self-iden-tification.
by Cary Clout
I have this nightmare which torments me every April
Fools' night. It's kind of weird, and I really don't know
what to make of it. I'll try describing it, but remember, I
warned you:
Divorce endorsers, gossip sociologists and albino winos
wait idly for the rewards of life at death's dormitory.
The Whirled Vision poster child has been there; he
knows.
"When will the Copernicus revolution of the ego take
place?" someone cries.
"Not now," said the legions of xeroxed graduates
who, after four long years to conceal their humanness,
want to add to the odor of civilization.
Unperturbed, the incumbent chaplains of industry
continue propheteering a gospel of pollution, alienation
and exploitation.
Although international kleptomaniacs had to pause
for a peace fire long enough to breed new sodiers, Albert
Salvador and the democracy travel agency found a new
market.
With stockpiles of insanity insured by Lloyd's of
London to be annihilatively efficient, atomic reduction-ists
radiantly give their half-lives to harlequin scen-arios.
by John E. Janson
It's going to be a really
"Under stress we are more
than under normal circum-prone
to break-downs
stances, to use an exam-ple."
Standard will feature an
exclusive interview with
the former typewritter of
entitled, "Must I Be Held
President Larl Cundquist,
Responsible For His Mis-spelled
Words?"
The next issue of The
be the new ship's doctor. I
it, I ran right out and app-lied.
I was chosen over
thousands...hundreds...
well, o.k., one other guy, to
to-be-christened cruise
ver, the new ship's doctor
for the brand new, soon-terrific
experience," said
Dr. Joseph "Bones" Cada-ship
now docked on Lake
Valentine.
"A soon as I heard about
• • • •
You write this
headline Clout! Meanwhile, the mystics of materialism display their
doctrinal positions to the organic world. Comparative
physiologists vend one-handed literature and super-market
libido-helper to a generation of abortionists
carrying impotent love.
Pulpit drug dealers enchant females to protestant
themselves for the immortal life. Their good friends,
Chocolate Jesus and Mr. God (renowned hero and talk
show guest) smile gracefully....
By this time I usually wake up screaming. I quickly
remember who I am ... a Christian at Bethel, about to
graduate and enter into the job market and maybe even
marry.
Then I feel foolish having such dreams. Stupid
dreams, they sometimes seem so real.
can hardly wait."
The cruise ship Flavia,
which will soon be re-christened
"The Dove
Boat," was towed to its
new sailing grounds last
Wednesday. Only minor
flooding occurred from the
water displacement, and
plans are now under way
for the rebuilding of
guard's shack and the
health service.
Cruise packages will in-clude
the Lightning Tour,
which only takes a half
hour and includes a deli-cious
bag lunch, compli-ments
of the Bethel Food
Service. Also offered will
be a Super Deluxe Pack-age
Tour that takes a
week. Exciting ports of call
will include fabulous
Town House West, the ex-otic
seminary complex,
and the fascinating semi-nary
apartments. There
will even be a romantic
night tour of Sem Hill.
The ship was originally
intended for use as hous-ing
for incoming freshmen.
Then it was to be turned
into a new fieldhouse. But
someone in the Student
Senate suggested that it
be kept as a cruise ship.
This way, new dorms and
a new field house could be
built from the revenues. It
would also be a great way
to dispose of the left-overs
from the Food Service.
III Ilk.
from first page
In the meantime, the
typewriters are willing to
negotiate to reach a set-tlement.
" Communication
is important," said Strilyn
Marr. Pickets will only be
erected if the negotiations
are not economically feas-ible,
according to the
Spokesribbon.
People must learn that
we are just like them in
many ways," an IBM said.
The soon to be rechristened Dove Boat resting at anchor in her
new stomping grounds, exotic Lake Valentine.
Vol. 1001, No. 1/4
April Fool '82 elk fal
Battle College, Ardent Hole, MN MI W
LeAnnella Knickerski, editor
Jovann Nivskat, associate editor
Bendy, Norverg, sports editor
D. Nalepoc Nod, photography editor
Gin Groepe, copy editor
Bervilous Nerg, editorial assistant
Darwood J. Anice, editorial assistant
John E. Janson, editorial assistant
Nyeth B. Strom, graphics editor
Lar Son Tim, graphics
Cary Clout, columnist
Wengel Endi, staff assistant
Gone Dark, sports writer
Job Corps expands:
buys out new campus Over 250 members of Bethel
community arrested in March
by law enforcement officials
FE agent Dick Tracy wrested when he was caught going through PO boxes_ looking for money
(photaby D. Nalepoc Nod).
by Jovann Nivskat
Over 250 members of
the Bethel community
were arrested during the
month 'of March by law
enforcement officials. Stu-dents
and staff were charg-ed
with a variety of of-fenses,
including illegal
use of the postal system
fraudulent charging of
phone calls to a credit card
number and unpaid park-ing
violations.
The largest number was
nabbed in a sting opera-tion
on Wednesday, March
17. Federal Bureau of In-vestigation
(FBI) agents
stationed themselves stra-tegically
at the corners of
the post office area on the
first floor of the LRC
building. The agents were
cleverly disguised in top-siders,
Lee jeans and alli-gator
shirts. As students
circulated in the area, the
agents watched for any
subversive stuffing of the
PO boxes from the outside
or looking in someone
else's box.
By chapel time, 10:20
a.m., 34 students, one
maintenance employee and
three faculty members had
been charged. Dick Tracy,
commanding FBI agent, re-ported
the agents had their
business time during cha-pel,
trying to watch those
milling about the area.
At 11 a.m. a bake sale
across from the post office
from the back
this year's cross country
squad and is currently
sports writer for the
school's paper, the Car-rion.
Norberg, current
sports editor for the paper,
holds various Bethel dis-tance
records, and Clark,
also a staff sports writer,
is new to the college, yet is
already making his mark
as one of its better dis-tance
competitors.
Whybrew explained,
"We felt we owe it to the
more over
there
from the front?
resulted in at least 142 imprisonment. This long-additional
arrests. Tracy term sentence was given
reported that members to one faculty member who
from all factions of the charged a conference call
Bethel community were to 46 colleges in other
caught in the act of put- countries and delivered
ting food in other people's his/her two-hour lecture
PO boxes. Tracy said that over the lines to the other
even though the food was schools.
top quality, it is not per- Local Arden Hills offi-missible
to use the facili- cials were involved in a
ties of the post office for recent crack-down on mo-personal
items. (Tracy and for vehicle violations.
the agents unanimously People with outstanding
agreed on the quality of tickets for parking over-the
food following con- night in fire lanes were
sumption of the evidence.) issued summons to appear
Earlier in the month, in court.
March 3- 13, the Ramsey A number of tickets
County sheriff's office was were also issued on cam-involved
in arresting 87 pus for moving violations;
students and 14 faculty one official told the Car-members
for charging rion that these were "some
phone calls to an illegal of the most moving vio-credit
card number, said lations in my career."
to belong to Burt Reynolds. Throughout the day six
As reported in the Oct. bus drivers, 76 students,
9, 1981 issue of the Clar- and 58 seminarians were
ion, charges would be issued tickets for speed-made
for all calls charged ing over the speed bumps.
to the number. John Walk- Eight of these seminary
er, information supervisor students were arrested for
for Northwestern Bell, arguing with the police
stated in the article that officer that a speeding tic-
Bell planned to collect for ket was not in violation of
the calls and that if the Biblical principles.
calls were not paid for, But by far the biggest
further prosecution could shocks came when a search
follow. of the Campus Ministries
Ann Johnson, one of the see page 5
students who used the
number, said she had not
heard anything from Bell
concerning her calls to
Tanzania so she had not
worried about it. Thurs-day,
March 11, she was
arrested as she left her
townhouse. Johnson faces
a fine of $3,000 and up to a
year in jail for the charges
she made.
Other students and fa-culty
members have incur-red
fines ranging from
$10-4,500 and jail senten-ces
from overnight to life
from over
there
school and to ourselves to
discover the secret con-nection
between sports
writing and distance run-ning.
We hope to find out
why so many of us have
been afflicted in the same
way. We're on a mission
from God."
The group approached
athletic director George
Henry and Carrion ad-vuipso
rE Awlveer a Mickelsen with
Top 10 and then some
I Can't Go For That
—Lifestyle Revision Committee
Daddy's Home For Good
—Dr. George K. Brushaber
Let's Get Spiritual
—Olivia Newton Munchie
Tie A Preppie Shoelace 'Round the
Royal Oak Tree
—Campus Coordinates
'65 Public Affairs
—Curt and the Alumni Bunch
DISCo Duck
—Edgren Solidarity Movement
Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Bed
—Silvercrest 2130
We Are Community
—Sister Sludge
All You Need Is Bucks
—Admissions Office
YLRC
—Arden Village People
Weekend in New Brighton
—Orkin Silverfish Squadron
c from down there
their proposal for the run
to see if Bethel could help
fund the project.
"Both of them were ex-cited
about the idea" said
Norberg. "They've totally
taken the financial wor-ries
and the promotional
hassles out of our hands
so we are free to train for
the effort. We've all been
pounding out the stories,
sometimes twice daily, in
preparation."
The group said they pick-ed
their Anchorage desti-nation
mainly because "I'm
from there," said Clark,
"and we know for sure
that we have a place to
stay overnight."
The run will start some-time
after finals are over
on friday, May 21, in front
of the Carrion office. "The
halls should be empty by
then, so our first mile will
be pretty fast. Our goal is
to average 4-minute miles
on the whole trip," said
Whybrew.
The threesome is hop-ing
more writers will ex-press
interest in taking
part in the run. If more
information is desired or
if you would like to make
a donation to the project
send a check payable to
"Royal Run for Sports
Journalism," to PO 539,
934, or 2418. Your pledges
are tax deductible.
The Bethel Dart team began practice this week for the upcoming
season. Captain Kevin Walton, last year's leading scorer for the
Royals, demonstrates his winning form. Coach Henry George
says "Kevin has potential to advance to this year's national tour-nament
in Bullseye, Montana. The rest of the team looks strong
too, and we expect to compete well on the local level. Our first
meet is April 10 at the Presbyterian Home in Roseville."
The Royal basketball team burst Into the national limelight be-hind
the outstanding performance of John Priestly, who was
named MVP after the Royals captured the NCAA tide
SPORTS FLASHES
Bethel hockey coach
Craig Dahl received the
good news today that the
admissions department
has accepted the applica-tion
of Wayne Gretzky to
Bethel.
Gretzky, who broke the
NHL scoring record two
seasons in a row, cited the
"need for a more challeng-ing
league" in which to use
his scoring skills as the
major reason for his ap-plication
to Bethel.
Said Gretzky, "It got to
the point that it was no
fun scoring all the time
and I was hardly trying. I
know that in the MIAC I'll
be forced to work for ever
shot I take."
"Naturally, I'm excited to
have a player of Wayne's
caliber on my team," said
Dahl. "But as you know,
we lost only one senior
last year so he'll have to
work to make any line.
There are definitely no
sure spots on this team."
•• •
The Bethel Athletic De-partment
has accepted an
invitation from Minnesota
Twins owner Calvin Grif-fith
to have the Royal
baseball team open the
season at the Metrodome
in an exhibition game.
The Twins were origi-nally
scheduled to play
the Los Angeles Dodgers
in the opening of the dome,
but the Dodgers decided
to remain in Florida at
their spring training base
to work on their tans be-fore
the regular season
begins.
The Bethel coaching
staff hasn't decided who
will start against the
Twins, but the American
League club has an-nounced
that it will open
with Chico Esquela.
When asked about how
he will pitch to the Royal
hitters, Esquela, a native
of the Dominican Repub-lic
said, "baseball has been
bery, bery good to me."
• •
Mike Hanley, a starting
guard on the Royal bas-ketball
team, was the 1982
winner of the Contusion,
Concussion and Charge
Award, the NCAA an-nounced
today.
Despite a slow start,
Hanley finished the sea-son
with 147 contusions
and 32 concussions in 53
attempts (.603) and 48 of-fensive
fouls for a season
total of 228, well ahead of
the second-place finisher.
Hanley was honored
that he won the award
and expressed hopes of
doing even better next
season, assuming his at-tending
physician releases
him from traction before
next fall. •• •
Sally Anitougik sur-prised
a coliseum crowd
last Wednesday when she
won the finals of the Min-nesota
Tough Guy Boxing
Tournament.
Anitougik, a freshman
in Edgren, used her 6'4",
250 pound build to ad-vance
past two prelimi-nary
bouts before winning
by TKO, 2:13 into the
second round. Anitougik
received 500 dollars for
her effort.
Reports also have it that
head football coach Dud
Lutton is filing for a
change in the rules which
prohibit women playing
in the league.
• • •
The fieldhouse project
which Bethel's athletic de-partment
has fought long
and hard to bring to real-ity
has been, according to
reliable sources, cancelled.
In its place the proposi-tion
was made to build an
on-campus rollerskating
rink. This decision was
made by the Admissions
office in conjunction with
the Campus Coordinators
after looking at the pro-jected
freshman enroll-ment
figures.
The proposal states:
"Due to the expected in-crease
in freshman enroll-ment
it is felt that Saints
Roller Rink would not be
able to safely accommo-date
these numbers. An en-larged
version of the
Saints rink should be
erected on campus as rol-lerskating
has become a
major Campus Coordina-tors
event. To deny future
students this opportunity
could decrease student un-ity
and morale or could
force students out on the
street in search of substi-tute
activities. To fund this
project we propose that
funds collected for use on
the fieldhouse project be
reassigned to the new "Pro-ject
Rollerrink."
Construction on the new
structure is to begin this
summer and it will be
erected on the site former-ly
allocated for the field-house.
Page 8 sports
Records break as
trackmen take dive
wind its way north along
Minnesota interstates and
Canadian backtrails to the
halfway point in Anchor-age,
Alaska. There the
group plans a complete 2-
hour sightseeing tour of
the city before retracing
were led by tourney MVP
John Priestly, the team's
former assistant coach.
Priestly was previously
thought to have completed
his collegiate career but
was found to have one
season of eligibility left
World record holder Tom Plocker, just before his outstanding
performance in the 800 meter fall (photo by D. Nalepoc Nod).
by Gone Dark
The Bethel track team
broke several school and
world records during its
spring trip to Arizona last
week.
Measuring off different
distances for his runners
on the cliffs of the Grand
Canyon, Steve Whittaker
had his athletes plunge to
their death as he timed the
fall.
Tom Plocker set the first
school and world record
when he flew past the 800-
meter mark in a time of
one-minute, 12.34 seconds.
Mike ,Dirks covered the
400 meters in 28.68 and
Dave Jorgensen breezed
past 1,500 meters in
2:02.65.
Plocker, Dirks and Jor-gensen
were unavailable
for comment, but Whit-taker
said he was pleased
with his runners' perfor-mances
and expresed
hopes of finding higher
cliffs for his long-distance
runners to improve their
times.
Writers
organize
GC run
by Bendy Norverg
Three Bethel runners are
organizing the first annual
"Royal Cross Country and
Back Run for Sports Jour-nalism."
The rugged 6,000 mile
course is to begin on the
Bethel college campus,
by Gone Dark
The Bethel men's bas-ketball
team capped a
cinderella season when it
captured the NCAA bas-ketball
championship in
New Orleans. The Royals
its steps back to Bethel.
The three hardy writers
who are planning this trip
are Richard Whybrew,
John Clark, and Wendy
Norberg. Whybrew led
See page 7
just prior to the tourna-ment.
Priestly was quick-ly
inserted into the start-ing
line-up, where he com-piled
stats of 34 points per
game, 21 rebounds and an
astounding 9 blocked
shots per contest.
Another factor in the
Royals' play was the
brightness of coach
Gorge Palke's suit. The
Bethel players were pro-perly
equipped with the
necessary eyewear so as
not to be affected by the
suits's glow. The Tar Heels,
on the other hand, were
not so fortunate as a season
of tough Atlantic Coast
Conference play had not
prepared them for the
awesome light given off
by Palke's blue and gold
suit.
A note of gloom was
cast on the Royals' tri-umph
as a possible viola-tion
of NCAA eligibility
rules may have occured.
Rumor has it that Priestly,
also an ordained minister,
may have flunked his In-troduction
to Biblical
Studies course as a fresh-man.
If such rumors are
founded it could lead to
sanctions against the pro-gram
as well as being
stripped of the national
title.
`Priest' leads BB team to NCAA crown