Lebron James Will Regret Leaving Mediocre Team, City

(NOTICE: This column is moving as part of TMS' Humor Hotel package, which features rotating content by Diane Farr, Michael Showalter, Mark Bazer and Jen Lancaster. This week's column is by Michael Showalter. If you have any questions, please call Leigh Hanlon at 312-222-4256.)

By Michael Showalter, Tribune Media ServicesHumor Hotel

Word Count: 683Posted 07/27/2010 at 3:50 pm ESTFor Release 07/27/2010

Shame on Lebron James for wanting good teammates! The nerve of this guy! Speaking for myself, I want to work with the most mediocre people I can find. Why? Because it's the right thing to do! It's the only thing to do! Why is it the right thing to do? Uh . . . I don't know! Leave me alone! It just is!

If given the choice between working with the best people or working with mediocre people, I will always chose to work with mediocre people because then I will be way less successful at doing the thing I love the most and have worked my whole life to succeed at! It's such a no-brainer!

"Hey, Mike, you can either have the best co-workers ever, or slightly lame co-workers. What do you chose?" Duh! I chose the slightly lame co-workers! Why would I possibly want the best co-workers? In what way would I benefit from that? Does having the best possible co-workers allow me flourish? Allow my business to flourish? Of course not! It's absurd! How can Lebron James not see the error in this decision he's made to work with the best possible colleagues?! It makes absolutely no sense! It is a farce and an outrage!!!

If everyone did what he's done, we'd have successful, happy people everywhere! What a travesty this would be.

I mean, could you imagine if great actors chose to work with great directors? What's next? Leonardo DiCaprio making movies with Martin Scorcese? (Editor's Note: Yes.) Or even worse, if great actors actually had the audacity to choose to work with other great actors?! A movie like "Wedding Crashers" could never have worked if the both of the leads had been big movie stars! (Editor's note: They were.) Or what about politics? Try to imagine if President Obama chose someone like Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state?! It would be crazy!!! (Editor's note: He did.)

Let's say I'm an astronaut. I need an engineer to design the best-possible spacecraft to ensure nothing goes wrong. Give me the worst guy! I don't want the guy who knows what he's doing! It would be an insult to all of the crappy engineers of the world to choose the best engineer.

It's painfully obvious and Lebron should be embarrassed.

Let's say I'm a really good schoolteacher. I want to prove how good I am by surrounding myself with less-good teachers. It's good for me. It's good for my students. It's wimpy to be, like, "I'm a good schoolteacher and I want to work with other good schoolteachers." Any schoolteacher who doesn't have the guts to want to be at a school where there are no other good teachers is a coward!

Furthermore, Lebron should be embarrassed for wanting to live in Miami and not Cleveland. Why anybody would choose to live in a tropical climate where the weather is nice all the time instead of in a city that is gray, freezing cold and slushy most of the year? Who, given the choice, would ever make such a short-sighted, selfish decision!? Not me! If you said, "Michael, you can either live in Cleveland where it's gray, cold and slushy, and work with crappy co-workers, or, you can move to Miami where it's beautiful all the time and work with the best co-workers," I would, without hesitation, chose to live in the cold, gray, slushy city with the crappy co-workers. Most people would and Lebron James is a terrible person for choosing to live in a city with perfect weather and great co-workers.

It's an outrage!!!

Ultimately, I think Lebron will learn the error of his ways. One day he will regret having chosen to live in a city with a beautiful climate, with great co-workers. And we who have vilified him will rejoice!

Because none of us would ever make such a foolish, selfish decision.

(Michael Showalter is the guy behind the hit comedy film "Wet Hot American Summer," as well as "The Michael Showalter Showalter" and numerous comedy productions.)