Quik Pro Day 1: “Who is the quivering coward? The fanboi bitch?”

Used to be it seemed a year long tour was a grand idea. But if I’m being honest, which is what they pay me for, I’m suffering extreme pro surfing fatigue by the time the European leg rolls around. My interest seems to peak sometime around J-Bay or Tahiti with maybe a late flare up for a classic Pipe finish.

Having to wade through the whole 34 man field again, not once but twice just seems cruel and unusual punishment. A two-week long Test Match between Bangladesh and Afghanistan was how BG principal Derek Rielly phrased it in a text message. Minus John John and Slater I want match-ups with contenders not another two-day slog before we get anywhere near the chase.

Sophie wants to grow the audience, new hire Erik Logan calls the league brimming with “untapped potential” and they keep throwing out the same product.

How to actually grow the audience? An answer may lay in pro surfings sister sport, MMA and it’s pro league UFC. I’m not a fan, the equivalent of Backwards Fin Beth, what hard-core fight fans derisively term “casuals”. But the pre-fight hype for the Conor McGregor/Khabib fight effortlessly drew me in …..did you see? Presser one in NYC Conor (biggest sports star in the world) told Khabib to “shut yer mouth ya mad backwards cunt”, called him a “little fanboi bitch”. Called his manager a ‘terrorist snitch”, his Dad a “quivering coward”.

Not to everyones taste, but Joe Carr former UFC exec, now chief strategy officer for WSL must have gazed longingly, lovingly at it. That ability to generate hype, draw a crowd, get the fucking despised casuals to get drastic with the plastic; what a dream for Sophie and the new hires.

Who would be the mad backwards cunt? Who the quivering coward? The fanboi bitch? ….assuming Pro Surfing dropped the #blessed and went full UFC.

Sunny days in France playing happy families while we wait for a roughie to bolt from the back of the pack is lovely stuff. Touching. Chances of that drawing in a casual= nil. Chew on that Erik. You can draw up all the direct to consumer pseudo pay-per-view the Universe directs you to but unless you build a proper drawcard, you ain’t got shit. The same thing we’ve had since J-Bay. Two thousand hard-cores sipping peppermint tea on Facey cheering on their gal.

In perfect French beachbreaks with a ton of waves ridden Jordy sneaked past Zeke, a mild robbery , with a neat little left tube on the buzzer. An entertaining heat.

Italo was several notches ahead in speed, power and repertoire in his Rd3 heat against Yago and Asing. A huge dagger knifed into the neck of a throaty closeout – a turn only he and maybe Colapinto can pull – was lowballed for a 7. Other waves pushed him into a comfortable lead that was never headed. Any hopes Dora might ride some momentum from his silky Air Show victory were quashed by a bumbling performance.

Julian Wilson laid down the best ride of the morning, a deeply threaded tube, greased alley oop and hammer finish for an 8.5. The days first excellent score. It looked like the Day of the Decade at a Coolum beachie and he treated it just like that. Easy win…..but in the post heat presser there was still that suspicion that J-dub was over-analysing during heats, leading to mistakes in execution and decision making. Not in this heat, but that is the pattern. Everything is going fine, until it’s not. Maybe he can overcome that mental weakness. Maybe not.

Medina started cool in heat 5 against Tomas Hermes and ex rookie Ryan Callinan , then just cooly opened up on two rights to ice the heat. 80% winning percentage in Europe. Mad cunt. I don’t mean that rudely, just using it as an example of what a spicy presser to build an audience might contain Erik. The biggest sports star in the world calls his opponent a mad backwards cunt, in public, in front of an online audience in the hundreds of thousands. I mean mad cunt in the Australian sense as a term of praise.

What? Surfing’s different you say?

No it’s not you mad cunt, well only in the sense that it’s spent the last 30 years trying to build an audience by throwing out the same moldy product the mainstream has rejected time after time after time. Listen to your chief Strategy officer Joe Carr who said there are a “ton of parallels between both companies (WSL and UFC).” If there is a difference it is that UFC doesn’t seem intent on dumbing down the product to piss off its hard-core fan base. It’s not the broadcast, it’s the build-up. Good heat in perfect surf. Medina in total control.

Filipe was off in the next heat. A little flakey. Nervey. Couldn’t quite nail a lofted lien air, was out of rhythm, got frustrated and dropped his bundle. He didn’t need much against a strong Connor O’leary and french wildcard Couzinet. But he could not get it done. My view: I would like to see Filipe win next two events and clinch the title before Pipe with a delicious low stakes victory lap at the Pipeline for the haters. Chances of that happening: next to nil.

My favourite wave was ridden in the next heat by Adriano De Souza, owner of the most improved skill set in pro surfing. He sizzled one right hand wave with so much extra torque in the turn it made me pine even harder for John Florence. Midnight in Australia, just me and my 2 thousand homies watching… I have to look up the results to see who won heats 8 and 9.

I watched but I must have been wide awake dreaming. Pat Gudang won on a bright yellow board with two big styled out backhand thwacks. Ace sliced and diced….he would definitely not be the fanboi bitch, or the quivering coward.

Too good. Lordy, lordy. Can you shorten this Euro leg as first order of biz Erik?

Where did she go? Why did she go? I haven’t the faintest and so spend each day wondering and crying, intermittently.

But alas, the sun comes up once again, the world turns and the World Surf League hires a bold new friend directly from the very surf-centric The Oprah Network.

Let’s turn those frowns upside down and meet Erik Logan, new President of Content, Media and WSL Studios!

Erik enjoys warm nights and great friends.

Most days find him with a paddle in his hand and a smile on his face.

When he’s not getting out amongst it, he’s culturally appropriating at the SUP shop he owns in “the heart of downtown Manhattan Beach.”

But mostly you can find him with a paddle in his hand and a smile on his face.

What does the man himself have to say?

Today, I’m announcing that I will be stepping down as President of OWN, The Oprah Winfrey Network. Working for one of the greatest leaders in the world has truly been the most incredible opportunity in my career. I have learned and grown more over the past 10 years professionally than I did in the prior 20.

The accomplishments over the last decade have been many – from ending the Oprah Winfrey Show, transitioning the company to a studio, moving to LA, and making OWN the most high-profile turnarounds in cable network history. What has made these many years of work so memorable and enjoyable are the people who I had the opportunity to work and partner with.

My “Next Chapter” (as Oprah would say) is truly an opportunity of a lifetime. To marry my passion of surfing with my career is something that I never thought was possible or even imagageable 5 years ago. SUP, surfing, loving the ocean, were all things I’d never thought would be a part of my life. Now, it’s my life, my daily passion, and something that propels me into my next professional journey.

Joining the World Surf League is something I never thought this kid from landlocked Oklahoma would say, but it’s happening. I’m beyond grateful tothe WSL for the chance to join the already exceptional team for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

If I have learned one thing from Oprah over the past decade, it’s this: there is a “divine order” to the universe and our job is to get into that flow. We must LISTEN to what the universe is saying. So here I am. Marrying my passion with my career in this way is something only a higher power could forge for me. I’m humbled by this moment and still in a state of “I can’t believe this is happening!” But it is…. You’ll hear me say this a lot, but it’s true: #followyourpassion #liveyourpassion

What do I have to say?

I can’t wait for BeachGrit’s next billboard!

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Yago Dora, happy as a yam. Photo: WSL

Red Bull Airborne: “I really like the term ‘cork’. It reminds me of a corkscrew. Is that where it came from? Is it a corkscrew?”

Even without Filipe Toledo and Gabriel Medina, who withdrew because, what, they win and everyone yawns, I told you so, or they lose, and the air crowd yaps about paper gods, the contest was an entirely blissful experience.

The Josh Kerr-confected air contest did two things.

It let the WSL loosen a few buttons on its starched pinafore and show that surfing didn’t have to be six hours of heats, grimly fought, like trench warfare. There was a spirit and, let me hitch my pyjama pants up for a moment, a joy to the game.

And there he was, just like magic, putting a ferocious amount of pressure on Peter Mel and Attack Tits Wasilewski. Kindly, but sternly, Richards responded to Mel saying goofy things like, “I really like the term ‘cork’. It reminds me of a corkscrew. Is that where it came from? Is it a corkscrew?”

Suddenly, pro surfing felt like surfing. Alive, unraped.

Accidentally, Red Bull Airborne revealed what the WCT still gets wrong, what the ASP got wrong. The events are too long, the roster of surfers is too unwieldy and, unless you’re swinging over the ledge at Teahupoo or Pipe, no one wants to see cutbacks and turns at three-foot beach breaks.

In the end, Yago Dora won with an ability to strike that isn’t always apparent within the strictures of a regular event.

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Journalism: Are wave tanks swimming pools or are they lakes?

I don’t use the word “shocking” lightly but I do use it here because “surfing” and “journalism” haven’t shaken hands since Brad Melekian’s icon “Last Drop” published eight years ago. That is a long time, especially considering our ultra-fast world where news and newsworthy events happen multiple times a day.

Let’s not discuss whose fault it is that “surfing” and “journalism” are so estranged. Let’s not point fingers at Nick Carroll but instead let’s see what it looks like by reading The Houston Chronicle (pronounced “Hyoo-stun” as opposed to “How-stun” like they do in New York).

And here we go.

The investigative piece first describes how a young man from New Jersey died from a brain-eating amoeba after surfing the BSR Cable Park in Waco, Texas. Then, if you can believe, the journalists asks a question. We’ll pick it up from there.

Stabile’s case raised questions about how water was cleaned at the surf park, a new attraction growing in popularity across the country, and one of two in Texas. State law strictly regulates a similar park in Austin, but it is unclear whether the Waco park fit the same definition. A spokesperson for the Waco-McLennan County Public Health District said they did not inspect the facility and did not further explain why.

It also highlighted a lack of protocol surrounding what to do when such an uncommon, bewildering infection occurs. The park told the local health district it would close the wave Sept. 28 — seven days after Stabile’s death. But patrons said they continued to surf there until Sept. 30.

One who visited on Sept. 27, surfing at a cost of $90 an hour, said he saw officials collect test samples but was not warned about what happened.

It also highlighted a lack of protocol surrounding what to do when such an uncommon, bewildering infection occurs. The park told the local health district it would close the wave Sept. 28 — seven days after Stabile’s death. But patrons said they continued to surf there until Sept. 30.

“I think they should have given us a choice,” said Edward Denton, 47. “They should have told us: ‘There’s a potentially deadly amoeba that has a 97 percent death rate, and it’s your decision.’… Now I could wake up tomorrow with a severe headache and have a three percent chance of living. ”

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Ouch: Australian cricket legend breaks neck while surfing!

It was revealed yesterday that hall of fame cricket legend Matthew Hayden fractured his spine while surfing North Stradbroke, or Straddie, after running his forehead into the sandbar. Hayden, who is most famous for his ability as a batsman, holds the record for the highest score ever made by an Australian and the second highest innings by an Australian ever in India.

He was quoted in the Times of India as saying:

“It was an hour into the session and we had had half dozen waves together and I got this one right handed wave which I sort of ducked under and that is pretty much all I can remember.”

“I wasn’t knocked out. I was speared into the top of the sandbank onto the top of my head. Then it twisted my head with my own weight and the weight of the wave.”

“I heard this god almighty click in my neck. I did not get knocked out but I sort of came to and rolled up on my back.”

Hayden said he was able to get back onto the beach, but had scans later that day, which revealed the extent of his injuries.

It is a wonder, miracle even, that more surfers don’t get brutally and ghoulishly disfigured every day. Imagine all the things that can go wrong. Between water, rock, sand, kook, SUP, shark, brain-eating amoeba, etc. And yet imagine how rare news like actually is.

A miracle.

And back to cricket, briefly. It is not a popular sport in the United States, either to watch or play, and this is a great shame. I learned of the joys whilst in an Indian hill station many years ago. Sri Lanka vs. Pakistan was playing on the television in a coffee shop and a kindly Indian man spent two hours explaining the nuances of the game, the differences between test cricket and one-day cricket etc.

It very well might be the perfect game. Either cricket or Australian Rules Football.