Good Brain/Bad Brain

My head is in a weird place right now. I kinda know why, that’s not the problem, figuring out what to do about it is where I’m coming unstuck.

Where to start… where to finish… it’s not a simple, straightforward one this. I… I think I need to give my brain time to breathe, as well as getting it distracted from the hardcore track it’s on atm.

Started writing more, just little notes, to declutter my head. I’d forgotten how useful that can be. Alcohol helps trip my mind up, so is it any surprise my usage has gone up.

Shit, I dunno what I’m saying. I guess the key thing is that there’s conflict between the conscious and subconscious which is making life… difficult. What’s worse is that the subconscious is leaking through, so elements of my behaviour are… undesirable to my conscious self. And of course it’s not as if I can control it any way, something that concerns me more because I know that it’s only a matter of time before I do something really dumb that I’ll regret.

Times like this, the suicide ideation ramps right up because my conscious self hates that potential to fuck up. Death before dishonour?

No idea what to do, just got to ride it out and distract somehow. Waaaaaaaaay easier said than done, but fuck it, what option do I have?