Hey Guys, I Have an Idea For a Reality Show — The [Fairer Se]X Files

This is a screenshot I took from ‘The Valleys,’ an MTV UK show. Recently I’ve been watching a lot of British Reality TV, which is weird because I find most reality television to be brain-rotting garbage, and I mostly hate British humor. Thing is — the British are really, really good at reality TV.

Part of the reason is that the UK has far less censorship, and so their version of ‘Jersey Shore’, named ‘Geordie Shore’ (though there is no actual beach in the area) makes the original US series look like an episode of ‘Friends,’ by comparison. It’s raw, gross, there’s a lot more nudity, and people are a lot more embarrassing. This all translates to entertainment.

YouTube

Last night I watched a show called ‘Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents’ — the best way to describe what I saw was a British translation of Rumspringa, the event where Amish teens are set free in a big city to see what the world is like, before they commit to the Amish life. In this show, two British teens are let loose on the island of Magaluf, Spain to party for days while their creepy, sneaky parents hide in bushes and watch them.

The parents then gather together and watch highlight reels of their spawn’s darkest holiday moments. It is as if they are gathered around the burning rubble of their hopes and dreams for their children, warming their hands by it’s meager, alcohol-fueled blaze. It gets really awkward and inappropriate, especially when the teens go on a booze cruise that features a “Sex Positions Contest,” which is exactly what it sounds like. Seriously, they sit around and watch it, even when it gets gross:

YouTube

Watching them watch their children, I was surprised that they kept going back to see more, instead of stepping in. Then I realized that parents are forgiving because they relate — most parents have had their share of partying days, though many of them wish that they had done things differently.

I’m not a parent, but I was a terrible troublemaker teen who had parents, and I know that there was nothing in the world they could have told me that would have made me stop drinking 40s behind the Fantasy Cineplex and hooking up with dirty punk rock boys, something I now would love to edit from my personal history. Being a rambunctious teen is fun, because we believe that we will escape completely unharmed, but sometimes we don’t — how do we stop kids from thinking they are invincible? I have an idea.

Two households, both alike in dignity…Wait, sorry. So there are two houses — set up sort of like ‘Big Brother’ — you’re locked in, and both houses have equal accesses to resources of food, booze, and people of different degrees of sexiness/terribleness/terrible-but-still-sexyness. The first house is full of 10 young, eager-to-party kids, and the other? With their parents.

They spend two weeks in the houses, which is a long enough time for them to first establish and then destroy any semblance of order, revealing their true selves. It won’t even take two weeks with all the alcohol, but it will just keep getting better as it goes on, so why cut it short?

Here’s the plot twist — both houses have a live feed jumbotron in the common area of what’s going on in the other house, 24-hours-a-day. Why? Because the only thing we know for sure as young, fun-loving people is that we will never ever be like our parents, or we will surely die. This is why people get depressed around 30, usually; they start realizing that they must be dying, because what they just said sounds like something their mother would say. This show would have more life-changing epiphanies than a Dr. Phil supercut. Imagine:

Rebecca, a 20-year-old freshman comes home hammered from a night of dancing in the cage at her favorite club, and sits down on the couch with a beer. She’s a bit dejected, since she is coming home alone. She looks up at the jumbotron to see her mother, sitting alone in the living room of the other house, sipping a glass of Chablis and quietly sobbing. Rebecca pours her beer down the sink and goes to bed with a book.

Danny comes home with a slurring babe on each arm, despite the fact that he’s got a girlfriend at home. As they traverse the landmines of post-pubescent vomit on the living room carpet, Danny glances up at the jumbotron to catch his father comforting Rebecca’s mother on the couch. Like, really comforting her. “What about mom,” Danny thinks? He sends the two girls home in a cab, and texts his girlfriend: ‘U R MAH WURLD. MISS U SO MUCH BB @–>—”

A better world, made possible by reality TV? I mean probably not, but I would watch.

Jackie Mancini is the associate editor of GuySpeed and an unabashed lover of large breasts, porno, foul mouths and loud music. Her childhood diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder is most likely responsible for her current position as the only female employee of a men’s website. Her column ‘The [Fairer Se]X Files’ appears every Wednesday. You can read more of her work here, and you can also follow her on Twitter.

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