One man's journey to understand The Bachelor.

Week 2 – Bumper Car Trauma

Sometimes your father walks out on the family leaving you, a child, to buy your own blankets and struggle to keep your younger brother off the streets only to watch him grow up, become homeless, and eventfully be burned in a horrific attack. Or maybe you went on bumper cars once.

No matter the circumstance, last night had us tangled up in feelings. Even early fan favorite Becca K talked bravely about her late father. When she didn’t cry, Arie asked, “So tell me again about your dead father.” We can’t be sure but I’d bet tiny producers were hiding under the table chopping onions. Anything to get the tears flowing.

You don’t need to have a sad story to melt down. You could just be the embodiment of every Mexican Soap Star villainess. Poor Bibiana. With a name like that you’re growing up to wreck “s”, be it at 2am on Miami boulevard or in a mansion filled with lady interrupters.

And what do we do with Krystal? Her story is heartbreaking but to hear her tell it with that voice. She needs to “Love Actually” the rest of her season. Can we get Krystal some cardboard signs, a pen, and some music so she never has to talk again? Things turned out pretty well for that guy, right?

Sienne can drive a car and she went to Yale. Arie barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut. And who’s pursuing who again??? This show is amazing. I guess grabbing a woman’s face every time you super-slowly kiss her goes a long way in life.

A long way maybe, but not all the way to consoling a girl you’ve just dumped. I don’t know who lost in the Arie Jenny post-rose-ceremony break up but I know for a fact that nobody won. The awkward terror. It was like Arie was hugging someone who fell asleep in a climbing harness. No part of Jenny’s arms wanted anything to do with Arie’s back.

And how have we not talked about there being a demolition derby? And how dare you think that by “demolition derby” I’m referencing Arie’s mom’s plastic surgery face. That’s mean, dear reader. I was talking literally about the part where cars slammed into other cars. I’m sure mama Arie is a lovely woman. Despite her decorating tastes, I’m glad she and Arie’s dad have been married so long. But that’s why we’re all here, right? To believe in a love like that. A foreverlove.

Pictures and girl-by-girl breakdowns next week I swear. Will Annalisa cry again? Book it.