Posts tagged ‘dance’

Peck knows what he is talking about. Life is so freaking difficult sometimes that I just meltdown in sobs. I’m not a sobber…or I wasn’t until I left asshat ex2. (Oh I’m sorry, the incredibly pathological personality disordered man, er boy, who was my second husband. He’s still an asshat though.) I can’t seem to get my life rolling in any solid direction. Just when I feel like I have a handle on shit then it all goes to shit…in a handbasket. I feel like hell.

Did I tell you that I got accosted (is that a word?) at the grocery store last week? Yeah, in the midst of my week from hell I cut some woman off from her lettuce. Seriously…she said, “you cut me off from my lettuce”. I just stared at her…then she said, “I would never have cut you off from your cucumbers”. That’s where I was standing when this conversation went down. I felt like I was on punk’d and kept waiting for Ashton to jump out. Didn’t happen. Again. I finally said, “excuse me?”…she repeated it all again (blah, blah, lettuce…blah, blah, cucumbers) and I walked away shaking my head. She looked mentally ill but even so I will mark that down on my list of shit not to ever do again…cut someone off from their lettuce.

I’ve listed some more of my stuff to sell. Not willingly. The aforementioned asshat still isn’t paying child support and I’ve got some big bills looming in the next 2 weeks so I’m gonna thin the herd. We may end up sitting on lawn chairs to eat. I had to do this a month ago because I couldn’t pay my rent. This month its my vehicle payment, new tires, glasses for myself and license plate renewal which is 2 months overdue. I just kept thinking that money would show up from somewhere (hello? IRS?) but magical thinking has never worked for me. It would be nice to get some mail that didn’t include multi-figure amounts and due-by dates.

I want my life to change. I want a new job – one without verbal, emotional and psychological abuse and enough disordered people to fill a mental ward. I want a peaceful life – one that doesn’t include psycho ex’s screaming at me on the front lawn. I want money to be able to pay my bills and take my kids to the movies once in a while. Not the expensive theatre…the $2.50/kid theatre. I want to be able to eat out once in a while when I’m too tired to cook and not have to worry about which bill I won’t be able to pay. I want my ex’s to start paying the bills that they were court-ordered to pay and stop mooching off me.

I took a calculated risk 6 months ago and left his lying, manipulative, disordered, cheating, cruel, ruthless, abusive ass. It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and it nearly killed me. I knew my 18 month old daughter would face being alone with him during court-ordered visitation although back then I had no idea how much time alone with her he would really get. I made my decision based on what I knew to be true at the time and with the guidance of people I thought I could trust. I did my best to separate us from a man so toxic and damaging that I felt I had no choice but to go in to hiding. I did all of this to protect my 4 children and myself from a lifetime of pain with this man. To date, this has been a soul-scorching journey filled with the deepest sorrow imaginable.

I am reaffirming today that my decision was the right one and that I am glad I left him.

“The only way to permanently break the cycle of escapism is to develop a positive perception of reality. If you associate reality with pain, you will constantly desire to escape. It’s essential to find happiness in reality that outweighs the suffering caused by its problems. Find the things in life that give you true joy rather than temporary pleasure. These are the actions that will build up your belief in a positive reality. Changing your attitude towards reality is easier said than done. When you’re accustomed to the cycle of pain and escape, reality feels hopeless. The truth is that reality is neither bad or good, but an equal mix of the two. Your attitude is a reflection of the parts that you choose to focus on. By fixing your attention on sources of hope and joy, you can create positive beliefs and reduce the desire to escape.

Another mistake people make is waiting for the future. Do you have a picture of the “ideal life” you’d like to live? Is there an “ideal you” that you want to become? Most people live based on the past, waiting for a revelation to make them who they want to be. It doesn’t work this way. Your actions in the present determine the future. The only way to create the future you want is to start living it right now. Once you start living according to the future you want to create, it’s easy to spot the behaviors that detract from it. When you realize that giving up bad habits is a necessary and inevitable part of creating the life you desire, addiction begins to lose it’s power over you. Temporary pleasure and escape doesn’t have the same appeal. The more progress you make towards your ideal future, the weaker the desire to escape from reality. Just like the cycle of escapism, the pattern is self-reinforcing. Over time, you are able to delight in habits that are congruent with your vision — that strengthen a positive reality instead of numbing pain. Eventually there is no need or desire to rely on addictions for relief and pleasure can be enjoyed for its own sake.” Pickthebrain.com

I am deep in the cycle of escapism. I equate my reality with nothing but pain. Pain at losing the life I knew and the dream I had deep in my heart. Pain at losing half of my baby girl’s life to my abuser. Pain at having to start over AGAIN for what feels like the umpteenth time. Pain at having to figure out who I really am because I don’t know myself at all although I’ve seen glimpses. I am operating from a state of learned helplessness – why bother to try again when it will turn out exactly the same as before.

I’d rather pretend that things aren’t what they are right now. That I wasn’t caught in the middle of a domestic abuse situation. I don’t want to deal with my problems let alone all of the problems of my kids’ behaviors as a result of the abuse. This shit is hard and it’s scary and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep going. I feel overwhelmed every time I start to tackle this mess that is my life. I just want to sit down in the middle of the road and cry.

I need to develop a positive perception of reality – a reason to get out of bed each morning. I need to stop wallowing in what has happened to me…the things I had no control over. I instead need to focus on me and the kids to help us all get through this time in our lives. We need to find the happiness in our new reality and focus on the things that give us true joy. How do I do that? How do I create present that is so good that it overshadows all the shit that happens? How do I begin to feel in control of my own life when many of the decisions concerning my life are made for me?

I need to find my reason to hope again so that I won’t feel the overwhelming urge to escape. I can’t remain tied to the past and expect to make things better for our future. I have to believe in myself and my ability to overcome this situation.

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
Ill be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you
Gave me you

“It’s important to hide God’s Word in your heart even when you feel like you don’t need it because one day, when it feels as if the sun set while it was still day, you’ll find strength and encouragement.” Joel Osteen

I felt like the sun set during the daytime when the judge handed my daughter over to our abuser for 7 days at a time. The breath left my body and I had to immediately sit down to keep from falling. How is it possible for someone to hand a child over in such a cavalier fashion without knowing the facts?

I have gone to the Lord in prayer daily, often many times in a day and used the Word I had hidden in my heart for comfort. There were times that I sobbed until I thought my heart would stop beating. The grief and anguish at being unable to protect her has renewed my fight time and time again to get her back.

I faithfully believe that I am being led where I am to go. In the 90 days that I have been free I can look back and see how the events I went through, while excruciating and time-consuming in the moment, brought me to the place I am today. A place of hope and joy. When I feel uncertainties and “his” voice nagging in the background – I simply take it to God. He is my rock when all others have failed me.

“Remember, God always causes us to come out better. If it’s raining here, the sun is always shining somewhere else. The sun will always shine again in your life. God always wants us to come to Him in the day of trouble. And when you call upon Him, He will show you great and mighty things, and He will surely rescue you.” Joel Osteen

When does the overwhelming fatigue go away? When will I feel his grip on me loosen? When will my mind stop rolling the “facts of the case” around and around like a washing machine gone wild? When will I be “normal” again?

I’m so tired of the dysfunction. I’m tired of his name being on my lips. I’m tired of my first thought each day being of him. I’m tired of being afraid every single time my daughter goes home with him.

How do I move past this? Where do I find normal? When do I stop doubting that I am going to survive? When do I place my trust in the Lord 100%?

I want me back. I want the happy-go-lucky girl who had a life going for her back. I want a partner to share my life with. I want a home that I can call mine. I want a job that I am proud of. I want to be normal again.

“This past year has been about letting go of so many things. But now I realize it’s kind of freeing really to lose all you thought you had lined up. Because nothing is ever a given…nothing is ever truly secure. And if you don’t let go of all those worries and practicalities you won’t create the empty space for something magical to waltz right into your world.” Zen

This is what I am moving towards and it truly hit close to home when I read it. I really did know a year ago that I was moving towards the end of my marriage. I knew I would have to leave him to escape his (at that point) neglect, immaturity, denial and disdain for intimacy. It sure as hell didn’t make the decision any easier…this “knowing”. The grieving began even then and crying myself to sleep became my new normal over much of the summer. How do you let go and give up on the dream that you’d nurtured since you were a young girl flipping through Bride Magazine?

Life is never a given…people die unexpectedly all the time. I have watched 3 women within 6 months time lose spouses – one who was dearly loved, one who was the bane of her existence and the other a father figure to her admitted immaturity. It has been an interesting study from my side of the looking glass – this science experiment in real time. To see how they have each evolved (or not) and how they have coped (or not) and then applying it to my situation in part. Because losing him has been something of a death. A death of my hopes, dreams, goals and life-long wish to find my soulmate.

But the death of that dream HAS opened a new space in my life…for hobbies left forgotten along the side of the road. A space for pursuits yet to be discovered. A space for my delightful children to get more of my time and attention. And maybe, a space for someone I may or may not already know. Someone who could be just what I’ve been waiting for.