Dying wish should be honored, if possible

Several years ago, the head of a large nonprofit organization told me that when his mother was dying, she asked him and his brother not to have a wake for her and have her cremated.

Several years ago, the head of a large nonprofit organization told me that when his mother was dying, she asked him and his brother not to have a wake for her and have her cremated.

He agreed. But, after she died, other relatives said it would be unacceptable if she were cremated and there were no wake.

He said they followed the wishes of the relatives.

I was reminded of his story when I received an e-mail from a reader, asking: “What’s your ethical take on deathbed promises — promises made to someone who is dying — once the person has died?”

Before his father died two years ago, my reader and his siblings made promises about the care of their disabled mother, who suffers from Alzheimer’s disease.

“We have kept those promises as best we could for as long as we could,” my reader writes, “but a day is coming when we will no longer be able to do so.

“On the one hand,” he continues, “a deathbed promise seems like the most binding promise that someone can make.

“On the other hand, a deathwatch is not the ideal time to rationally consider commitments before making them, and sometimes people promise things that, under different circumstances, they would never undertake.

“The dead never know (setting aside theological speculation) whether or not the promise was kept.”

My reader wants to know whether a promise to someone who will not be around to see it kept “is more binding than one to someone who will be?”

A promise is a promise.

If you make one, the right thing is to make every effort to honor it, whether the person is on a deathbed or still living. There are, however, times when circumstances prevent you from honoring a deathbed promise as you wish you could or, obviously, discussing the issue with the deceased.

In the case of the head of the nonprofit, he could have honored his promise to his dying mother if he had been willing to take criticism from his living relatives. If he knew he couldn’t, he would have been wise to reconsider the promise he made.

In the case of my reader, if he promised his father that he and his siblings would care for their mother in her own home and not place her in a residence with round-the-clock medical care, the challenge of that promise is greater.

In honoring the letter of the promise, does my reader at some point risk causing greater harm to his mother? Or is there a better way to honor the spirit of that promise?

We should keep our promises to those living or dead. But when the health and life of someone who is at the center of that promise is at stake, the right thing is to do whatever is within your power to care for that someone. In my reader’s case, that could be the best possible way to honor the spirit of his father’s request.