Wednesday, August 15, 2012

on women who like sex

Tomorrow, I am releasing a music video for “Backseat”, which
is a song I wrote about wanting to have sex with a hot tattooed guy who
unfortunately had a girlfriend. In said video, I will be dancing around in
lingerie, drooling over my dear (hot tattooed guy) friend Dan, and singing some
pretty thinly veiled sexual innuendo. (Update: see the video here.)

So, this seems like the time to make my confession. Confession
might not be the right word, actually, considering my last album, Idiot Heart, was more or less an epic
poem on the topic. But, for those of you who don’t know me, or who aren’t big
on lyrics, or who are still nursing your vision of me as an innocent young
folksinger, here goes:

I like sex. A
lot. I don’t like it because it’s all about love, or because it’s some kind of
spiritual journey for me. I like it, mostly, because it’s just so dang fun.
Because it makes me feel alive, and it allows me to share that aliveness with
other people. Because it helps me to learn things about my body and mind and heart
that I otherwise wouldn’t. In other words, I like sex for the same reasons I like
music and dance: it is a joyful, playful, fun, surprising way to connect with
people, and to explore the human experience.

So why, when I’ve written and talked extensively about music
and dance, haven’t I gotten around to writing about sex? Because I am afraid of
what it will mean. I’m afraid of being judged, shamed, belittled, or reprimanded.
I’m afraid my fans will either run screaming into the hills, hiding their children,
or become creepy stalking phone-breathers. It’s only recently occurred to me
that these fears don’t belong to me; they belong to a culture with a long
history of wrongheaded, destructive views about sex, especially as it pertains
to women.

In my own interest, and the interest of sex-liking women
everywhere, let’s get a few things straight.

1. Sex ≠ love. I
think the idea that sex and love are the same thing (perpetuated throughout the
world for much of recent history by religion, art, literature and advertising)
is responsible for many of our misconceptions about both, so let's get this one out of the way first.

Clearly, on occasion, people who aren’t in love have sex.
Clearly, also, people love other people and don’t have sex with them. I’m not
saying they’re mutually exclusive, but neither are they inextricably linked. Love
and sex, like milk and cookies, pair well; but neither is required for the
enjoyment of the other.

2. Women like sex
just as much as men. Countless theories have been put forth over the past few
centuries about why women don’t like sex. Without going into the tedious details,
let me state my own opinion on the matter: they do.

If you don’t buy it, let’s do an experiment. Let’s start a
new culture where women, from their girlhood, are told that sexual pleasure is
a natural, fun part of being female. They are never told that sex is dangerous,
dirty or weird. They are never badgered, shamed, pressured or forced into any
sexual experience. When they become interested in sex with other people, they are
encouraged to explore it in a consensual, safe, fun way, with whomever they
find themselves attracted to. All of their sexual partners are caring,
communicative, generous, and happy to take direction.

That will be our control group.

3. Women who like sex
are not sluts. Let me try to sum up the meaning of the word “slut”, as I think it is commonly used, in a
sentence or two. A slut is a woman who will sacrifice a lot of valuable things
(her physical and emotional health, her reputation, her friendships with women)
in order to have sex. It’s generally understood that sluts are not truly
interested in sex; they just use sex to get other things they want (like
attention, love, or money).

So, a slut is not actually a woman who likes sex. A slut is
a woman who uses sex as a bargaining chip to get other things, which she does
like.

A woman who likes sex, on the other hand, is just a woman
who likes sex.

4. It is not
“dangerous” to like sex. All people are vulnerable to rape and sexual
assault. All sexually active people are vulnerable to sexually transmitted
infections. I don’t believe there is anything about liking sex, or
acknowledging it, that puts me in a more vulnerable position.

That’s not to say that there are no risks to having sex, but
those risks are not higher than, say, driving a car. Driving a car is generally
considered a justifiable risk, whereas having sex - colored by its cultural
legacy of shame - is not.

5. Women who like sex
will not necessarily have sex with you. This, my friends, is the clincher.

When I find myself in a conversation about sex, and mention that
I am a fan of the activity, the men in the room tend to get very nervous, very handsy,
or very surly. I think this is due to a common misconception: that women who
like sex will “give it up” to anybody. Like, our brains will be so flooded with
arousal endorphins that we’ll transform into some kind of pansexual nymph.

Women who like sex still have all our wits about us. Like most
people, we only want to have sex with people who we think are attractive, and trustworthy,
and with whom we have chemistry.

In conclusion: I
just made a music video that is sexy, based on a song that is about sex. Why?
Because I like sex. I like sex that is loving and profound, and I like sex that
is fun and casual. I like sex as much as any man I know. I am not a weirdo, I
am not a slut, and I am not in any excessive danger. I like sex, but that
doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.

I love everything about this except for the condoning of the word slut to describe any woman. Women who use sex to get other things they want are dishonest and manipulative, but I'm fairly strongly in the camp believing that words like "slut" (especially given such widely varying uses of it) have no useful application when there are other well defined adjectives to describe people's behavior.

Everything else, mega kudos for publishing this - the more women who are willing to stand up and say "this is what I like" the better.

Agreed! I was just about to comment saying something similar. Your (Carsie) definition of slut is still subjective and therefore still an easy gender-specific putdown for anyone who someone doesn't like.

Let's put slut in the same category as poopypants: a vaguely defined term used by people who are unwilling or unable to describe what specifically is bothering them about other people's actions.

While I agree that the word slut is troublesome because of the implicit moral judgement linking shame with sex that it carries, I feel it is also troubling that there is an automatic assumption that "slut" only refers to women. It can and does apply to men as well. I actually like the definition of it as "someone who uses sex as a bargaining chip to get other things" and though I generally don't use the word when defined as "someone who likes sex" I find it a useful word to describe someone who uses sex as a bargaining chip.

Good points, everybody! I was focused on making it clear that there is a difference between a "slut" and a sexual woman, because I see the term thrown around a lot to describe women who like sex. I think it's a valid argument, though, that "slut" should probably be scrapped altogether due to its imprecision as a word.

Carsie... great post! This rule made me laugh: "5. Women who like sex will not necessarily have sex with you."

Back in the day when I decided to date men again after a hiatus of only dating women, a guy I was friends with me responded to my news, "Can I have a mercy?" "A what?" "A mercy." "What's a mercy?""A mercy-fuck."

Hahahahaha! Exaaaaactly. I wrote about that because I've found myself in a few situations where men got downright AGGRAVATED with me when I talked about sex. I finally realized the unspoken sentiment was "If you like sex so much, why aren't you having it WITH ME?"

Love the candor! It seems high time that women be able to speak freely about how we feel about sex. I cheer them all, but #1 has resonance with me. I'm amazed at how many men have not understood how I can have sex that includes respect, trust, and honesty but doesn't include love. The same men who don't think twice when a man says or does exactly the same. As always, love the way you put words together...be they in lyric or prose.

An overall great post - I really like how you unpack your reasoning over not writing about sex before. Liking sex for the same reason you like music and dance is a pretty good reason!

However, as an out and proud slut, I also really had issues with section 3. I love sex. I am a slut. 'Slut' as you described it is incredibly inaccurate! So, a slut is not actually a woman who likes sex. A slut is a woman who uses sex as a bargaining chip to get other things, which she does like. That's not a slut - that's a person who's using another person. Of course, it gets extra complicated there too: who decides she doesn't like sex? Who decides she's using it as a bargaining chip? Why does it have to be a she?

'Slut', like 'fat', like 'queer', is what you make of it. Like those words, it's often used to shame people. It's a word ripe for reclamation, and it has been by many people. I love sex, and as a sex-lover, I happy call myself a slut. I am also ethical, open, and honest about it. Being called a slut doesn't shame me - it describes me, and I wear that label happily.

It's unfortunate that it's still defined and perceived negatively. Slut = lover of sexy-times, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that :)

i'd just like to second what Dee has said - overall i felt your post was excellent, but found what you wrote in #3 to be highly problematic.

i too am a woman who proudly self-identifies as a slut. i do so because until your post, i have only ever seen the word 'slut' used to refer to someone - usually a woman - who enjoys having sex with multiple partners, and who is therefore believed to "have no self-respect". (And my experiences of this are based on many many years of sex-positive activism.) So whilst i acknowledge that your own experiences of how the word gets used might well be substantially different from mine, i am not willing to myself use the definition you've provided, because:

* in the context of my own experiences of how the word gets used, if i used the word 'slut' as you describe, people wouldn't assume your definition, but the definition i encounter; and i am not interested in contributing to the negative judgement of women who enjoying sex with multiple partners (not least because i'm one of them!);

* even if i were to only use it with a rider which explains the "bargaining chip" definition, i wouldn't be comfortable using that definition for the reasons Dee has described;

* i don't agree with the notion that 'slut' is somehow /inherently/ - i.e. without any reference to the sociopolitical contexts in which humans use it - a word that /must/ be used negatively, and so must be redefined so as to ensure it only applies to behaviours We Don't Like.

i certainly don't think people should be expected to self-identify as a 'slut'; whether someone can reclaim a label for themselves that has historically been used negatively against certain groups of people is their own choice to make, because only they can assess the net costs/benefits of doing so in their own situation. In my own situation, however, and given how i overwhelming encounter the word 'slut' being used, i am proud to self-identify as a slut. And i'll resist someone telling me i shouldn't do so due to either sex-negative attitudes on their part, or because their definition of the word doesn't apply to me - even though that definition doesn't get used in the environments i have to deal with.

It's always great to see sensible posts like this. I only found this via e-lust, but better late than never...I just want to say I agree really strongly with Curvaceous Dee and flexibeast about the use of the word slut.

And the definition "So, a slut is not actually a woman who likes sex. A slut is a woman who uses sex as a bargaining chip to get other things, which she does like." caught my eye. There is another word for that, "whore". And although not as many people have tried to proclaim that word, it could be argued that there isn't anything inherently evil about having sex to get other things. Think about sex workers. At least it is not productive to demonise those women either. Plus, liking sex and doing sex work aren't mutually exclusive things.And here's lik to xo Jane Emily's text about using sex to get other things when it's not in the realm of sex work. It isn't necessarily evil then either... http://www.xojane.com/sex/ive-got-sexual-power

All very well said Carsie. Your articulate expression of desire for sex and call for its acceptance as "normal" for women is endearing. Semantic arguments aside, your take on our culture's cast of women's sexual roles seems sound and I agree they need to change. Thanks for stepping out and sharing your thoughts with us... even though it ruined my image of you as an innocent young folk singer.

hooray, carsie. all-on-point. I'd also venture to say that No. 5 can actually further refine the topic at hand: I don't just like sex - I like *good* sex. ergo, 99 and a half of gents (or ladies) just won't do. ^_^

This is an interesting post - thanks. Have you read the book "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha? It's all about how the popular model of monogamy has failed us. I interviewed Ryan recently for my blog, and I'm sure you'd enjoy the chat as well as the book: http://alainamabaso.wordpress.com/2012/06/21/the-ultrasound-wars-a-better-use-for-mcmansions-and-the-surprising-truth-about-group-sex-an-interview-with-christopher-ryan-co-author-of-sex-at-dawn/

Really bold post Carsie, and really proud to be a fan and to read it! Also a proud sex lover as well, I agree with your points 100%, and reading through the comments am happy that there are lots of people open about the subject and there's respectful discussion about it. It's a great time for women, and women musicians, to step up and speak out about all aspects of the subject of sex! And behind it all, the idea of our enjoying it without being objectified! :D

Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Seriously, great post. I think that LOTS of people feel as you do - both sex-positive and feeling pressured by society to keep a lid on it. I also think that it's changing, but not fast enough for my liking.

- Not a shocker, but I appreciate your desire to make it crystal clear. I agree with others who have noted sexual undertones on your first album. And the red dress - seriously.

- With regard to point #5 - [Sigh] Yep, that's the truth, but cut us a little slack whydontcha. As the cliche goes, guys are pretty much ready to go at a moments notice and no one wants to miss the opportunity. Especially with a muse. If you're in mixed company and the topic comes up, a little on-the-nose disclaimer as to the academic, hypothetical nature of the conversation is always appreciated. There might be a little pouting, but it will douse the discomfort. And you can always circle back later to the ones you want to take from theory to practice.

Failing to do this, knowing what you obviously know about guys, doesn't make you a slut . . . maybe just a bit of a tease. And I'd call you a liar if you said you didn't get a bit of a thrill out of that.

Or, perhaps, I should say I did love sex and I hope to again. Unfortunately, there are those who use sex and love and trust and even spirituality as weapons, which is the very definition of evil in my book.

But with honesty and integrity and respect, yes, sex is amazing and fun and profound.

And I love #5...just because I love sex, doesn't mean anyone can proposition me willy-nilly. Go back to the part about *respect*.

Just came across your post through the "Sex at Dawn" Facebook feed. You make many interesting points, and you might find that the "Sex in a Sustainable World" series on my blog resonates with you: http://idealistcoach.com/ic1/2011/12/09/sex-in-a-sustainable-world-part-1-introduction/--Dave W.

Dude! Awesome post, we should start like... AA support groups but for readers of Sex at Dawn... I can't manage to find you ladies anywhere.

I've encountered 2 non-monogamous views on sex I like. One that says sex is a deeply loving, spiritual journey to enlightenment. The other is that sex is like football (my words) just with way less dudes and clothes.. and balls.. and maybe less violence? I mean not everyone's into that... Anyway, it's a fun activity to do with friends. I'm the sex crazed fiend among my friends because I ask "is it too much to have both of these views?" My friends have trouble saying they even have sex.. so maybe I'm just in the wrong crowd but where are the rest of us? Sex fiends UNITE!!!

Thank you so much for this post, Carsie! I've struggled to articulate some of these points myself. I hope your voice is heard loud and clear; also, I think you'd make a great face of the "Sex Fiends Unite!" movement.

Wonderful, especially the part that makes a clear point of not using the word "slut" for women who like sex: "A woman who likes sex ... is just a woman who likes sex."I agree totally with that because using the word slut in an attempt to "reclaim" it and give it a positive meaning is still using a word that was invented by sex-haters. That is why i think this approach is more sensible.

I think there's a habit in our culture of walling off sex as something completely different from other activities. When we think of cheating in a relationship, 99% of the time we are referring to having sex with someone other than our partner.

I wish that sex could be something more integrated into our interactions with other people.

I think the dynamic between sex and dancing is incredibly interesting. I can have so many different types of dances: fun, flirty, silly, sensual, sexy, aggressive, playful, etc...

While I dance with everyone, only rarely does that magic mix of other emotions (including sexual feelings) come into play.

I guess that relates to #5 and how not even interactions that directly reference sex necessarily have chemistry to them.

So glad to have found this!!! Wonderfully . . . and wittingly . . . written. Made me smile, giggle, laugh out loud, and nod in agreement as I read each line . . . and then do all three again at your "In Conclusion" !!!Simply wonderful . . . And now I just HAVE to explore your music.I will be back to read more of you!With best wishes - Katie (aka Modesty)

I was overjoyed to find your blog! I've been finding it incredibly difficult to find sex blogs which actually discuss sex itself, as opposed to simply displaying numerous nude photos of strange men looking for sex. I absolutely love your sex positive attitude and I am officially following you so please update soon! I will be a keen reader =) This is my blog, if you ever fancy checking it out: http://between-your-legs.blogspot.co.ukParis x

Totally agree with all these. Unfortunately, I have met men who have had all of these traits. I am by nature a pleaser and love giving to my partner, but have learned to back off a bit and reserve that for the man who is deserving and not selfish. When a man is really into pleasing me, it makes me want to please him even more, and it's a win-win for everyone!live sex on mobile

Awesome, awesome, awesome post! Very well said, and I couldn't personally agree more. Thanks so much for putting yourself out there and being honest. Why would someone *not* love sex (if they are "doing it right," that is. ;-))??

why some think having another partner should prevent us to have fun with someone else? maybe it's not necessary to look it in this way? one of my favorite parts,going to bed with my girlfriend is talking about previous experiences with others. describing how violently another girl has scratched my back with her nails can excite her up to 1.5 hour of hot struggle with pleasure! by the way I enjoyed the movie very much! really cute!