Through minor miracles and the fact that my wife is a saint, we're still married. It almost didn't happen.

First we tried a marriage counselor/therapist. That didn't work. She never forced me to open up and I was very good at pulling the wool over her eyes, I quit acting out for a couple of months, my wife thought I was cured.

Next was another therapist...just for me. He told me in our first session that there is no such thing as sex addiction. I saw him for two years...he made a cool 5 grand, I kept acting out, my wife was none the wiser.

Finally we were down to the last straw. My wife was ready to take the kids and leave. We found a therapist who specializes in sex addiction. We did a four day intensive program that combined Steps 1-9 (for those of you in 12 Step Programs you know how hard that is) with 48 hours of therapy and a polygraph in a four day weekend. I also started SAA that weekend. 2 years later, I've been sober for a year (I had a slip with internet porn last year), and our marriage is stronger...and happier...than its ever been.

I guess you could say we've been married for 8 years and happily married for two.

How do you learn to trust again? How do you handle additional revelations of compulsive sexual behavior by your partner? How do I get past the anger and sadness over the loss of our relationship? How can I stay in a relationship when my partner has essentially "cheated" and brought such ugliness into our house?

I am sorry that you are in such a terrible position. It is awful, and there is no quick and easy way out of this pain.But there are some steps you can take.First, I encourage you very strongly to seek out a local chapter of S-Anon. They may not be easy to find, but it's well worth the effort. The women I have met through this group have been very supportive, and I have benefited quite a bit from not feeling so painfully alone with this problem.Second, I recommend a book that I found helpful: NOT "Just Friends," by Shirley Glass (yes, that's Ira's late mother). In it Glass discusses how marriages can survive severe betrayals--though she also acknowledges that some don't. The focus is not on people with CSA histories or sex addictions, but the special complications that these factors bring are also referenced. It's a start.Third, I most deeply urge you to set limits on what you are encountering at any one time. My fiance has found a certain sense of liberation, ironically enough, in his whole process: he is beginning to free himself from years--decades--of subjugation to his addiction. But for me, this is all very new, and it is truly overwhelming (flooding) at times. So you need to make sure you take care of yourself. It can get better. It is not an easy process. But it is not hopeless.

Peace,HG

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I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

How do you learn to trust again? How do you handle additional revelations of compulsive sexual behavior by your partner? How do I get past the anger and sadness over the loss of our relationship? How can I stay in a relationship when my partner has essentially "cheated" and brought such ugliness into our house?

I am so alone and afraid and I don't know what to do next.

Dear JBK:

I really wish there was an easy way through all of the pain that accompanies betrayal but there is not. Cheating is a horrible reality to accept especially when the only thing we have been guilty of in return is offering our hearts and true vulnerability.

Healing takes patience JBK, time, hard work and determination. The thing where your husband is concerned, there is no such thing as offering him trust blindly. He must earn your trust and favor back. How? Through really going the distance and following through on all promises made. "As much as it takes for as long as it takes, and then some."

I know at least from my perspective, I looked at this experience as a chance to get my act together as well. I realized some very monumental lacking in my own belief system. I was too trusting of everyone, I was too giving to everyone...trust is really something that should never be an automatic, ever. Even though it all may seem overwhelming right now, you can and will get through this.

Please know you are not alone. WE are all here standing together, extending support today and for your journey ahead.

S-n-S

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"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

My wife and I have been together for 16 years, married for 9. We have one son and she has been a survivor the entire time and I was raped about 4 years ago and started dealing with PTSD after that. I would say that the past 4 years have been the hardest because they have changed a lot of relationship dynamics but we are trying to talk more and work it through more

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“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

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