advice, thoughts, and discussion

Please don’t confront me….and I won’t confront you.

by trinityfamilyministries on September 24, 2012

I’m terrible with confrontation. When I know that there is some sort of conflict that needs to be dealt with, I can’t sleep at night, I can’t eat, and I feel physically ill. I can’t stand it when I think people don’t like me or are having relationship issues with me. But, let’s face it! We can’t please all people at all times. There’s always going to be someone who doesn’t agree with you or who doesn’t like the ways that you deal with different situations in your life.

How do we resolve conflict in the right way?

“According to Ken Sande, author of The Peacemaker—A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict and president of Peacemaker® Ministries, a ministry devoted to equipping and assisting Christians to respond to conflict biblically, the reason is clear. “Many believers and their churches have not yet developed the ability to respond to conflict in a gospel-centered and biblically faithful manner,” explains Sande. “When Christians become peacemakers, they can turn conflict into an opportunity to strengthen relationships and make their lives a testimony to the love and power of Jesus Christ.”

So, how can we become peacemakers instead of hiding from conflict or from being too aggressive?

“Peacemakers are people who breathe grace,” says Sande. “They draw continually on the goodness and power of Jesus Christ, and then they bring his love, mercy, forgiveness, strength, and wisdom to the conflicts of daily life.”

This reminds me of Matthew 5:24, that tells us that we must be reconciled to others.

Here’s some tips and tools for healthy reconciliation (Focus on the Family Ministries):

Define the problem and stick to the issue.Clearly define the issue and stay on topic during the discussion. Conflict deteriorates when the issue that started the conflict gets lost in angry words, past issues, or hurts tossed into the mix.

Pursue purity of heart.“Take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:5 NASB). Before approaching others regarding their faults and shortcomings, prayerfully face up to your own. Confess any way you might have contributed to the problem.

Plan a time for the discussion.Plan a time to meet with the other person when you are both rested and likely to respond in love to the other person’s concerns. When you are tired, stressed, and distracted with other responsibilities, things rarely will go well.

Affirm the Relationship.Affirm the relationship before clearly defining the problem. For example, “Our relationship is important to me. But when you don’t return my calls, I feel rejected and unimportant.” Avoid blaming the other person and saying, “You make me feel…” Instead, say, “When you do ‘A’, I feel ‘B’. ” Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding(Grand Rapids: Zondervan0 2005), 51.*By applying these practical tips and tools for resolving conflict to your relationships, you can turn obstacles into opportunities to demonstrate the love and power of the gospel. What’s more, you will know the deep, abiding joy that comes through obedience to God’s Word.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9).

Listen carefully.Once you share your feelings, listen to the other person’s perspective. Lean in; be present. “One of the most powerful communication techniques I know is to listen well,” points out Sande. Make sure your body language conveys that you are open to the other’s perspective. Reflect back to the individual what you believe you have heard. For example, “I heard you say that you feel expectations from me. Is that correct?”

Forgive. Forgive others as Christ has forgiven you. “Forgiveness is both an event and a process,” Sande says. He suggests you make forgiveness concrete with four promises:

I promise I won’t bring this up and use it against you in the future.

I promise I’m not going to dwell on it in my own heart and mind.

I’m not going to talk to other people about it.

I’m not going to let it stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

Propose a solution. Remember the relationship is more important than the issue. When working toward a solution, consider Philippians 2:4-5: “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” Seek solutions that keep everyone’s best interests in mind.

Resolve some of the conflict in your life this week. Let’s be peacemakers.