My Depression Relapse

Over the last couple days, many of you have probably noticed that I’ve not been myself. There are a few reasons for this, but one of the biggest reasons is that somehow, somewhere over the last few weeks, my depression has resurfaced.

A lot of you know my story–why I left high school originally, why I left home, and why I’m now attending public high school again. Many of you also do not know, and that’s okay. Some things don’t necessarily need to be shared publicly, so I won’t.

What I will say is this: I don’t know how long this depression will last. When you’re in that state of mind, it can be extremely hard to pull yourself out. A lot of you I’ve known since my freshman year, so you’ve seen my struggles, my healing, and my growth. Now, as I’m meeting new people, exploring new things, and getting ready to graduate in a few months, everyone who’s met me recently doesn’t know my past. They don’t know the things I’ve been through, the pain I’ve felt, or how I worked so very hard to get myself out.

Depression is a serious thing. It’s part of the reason why I wrote The Long Road Home, because it’s important for people to understand it’s a real mental illness that affects millions, including myself.

So what does this mean? I’m not sure. I don’t know what I need to do to get myself back to where I was, because once inside this hole, it can be a challenge to get myself out. But what I want you all to know–fans, friends, and family–is that I’m not giving up. Some days it may be difficult to wake up in the morning and deal with certain things. Some days I may feel better than others. Some days it may be hard to see a future, because the fog of depression is clouding my mind. But as ALL of you know, I’m not a quitter. I’m not someone who’s going to lay down without a fight, or someone who’s going to, “Screw it, I’m done.” I’m going to keep fighting, stay strong, and hopefully I’ll be able to get back to where I was.

A lot of things seem to be having an affect on me lately. Being at a new school. Making new friends. Getting new crushes. Getting ready to graduate, not knowing where my life is going to end up. It’s been an experience, and while those things can be good, they can also have a negative affect on me. I’ve always been in this weird state of liking people, yet hating them. Wanting to be with people, yet wanting to be alone. Wanting to have a future, yet wanting to give up.

All I ask is that as fans, friends, and family, you do not give up hope for me, just like I’m not giving up hope myself. As much as I hate to admit it, I NEED friends right now. I need help, and I know I do.

But I also want YOU to not give up on yourself, just like I’M not giving up hope. As much darkness is in your life, or as much as you may be going through, you can make it out. There is hope. Life is a journey, and it’s most definitely worth living. I’ve seen the good, the bad, and all the stuff in between.

To all the people who’ve stood by me, I love you and appreciate it very much. You’re more important then you may think.

Thanks so much. It’s difficult to love with, but people can and do live with depression. And that’s okay. Eventually things get better, and while it can come back like it has for me, it’s good to remind yourself that life does get better.