tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57264845562303976182015-03-26T20:21:18.873-07:00Beautiful WorldYou cannot find peace by avoiding life.
--Virginia WoolfSamanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.comBlogger500125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-35203078665737980172014-11-10T20:20:00.001-07:002014-11-10T20:20:44.326-07:00Taking a deep breathI'm supposed to be writing a lesson plan about Bartok and fashioning it so that it can be delivered by one of my graduate assistants in class on Wednesday. I should have had it to her last week. However, life got in the way and I didn't. I've promised it to her tonight. It will be delivered on time.
For almost a decade I've talked in this blog. There was a time when I wrote nearly every day. I Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-88922871492921811432014-11-04T21:02:00.001-07:002014-11-04T21:05:13.840-07:00I am funny, and fierce, and very tall.I am feeling fierce once again.
That sounds weird unless you know me. It used to be a part of who I am. I was fiercely determined to do what was necessary to have joy and beauty-- always. I was fierce about loving people and defending them. I was fiercely loyal, and energetic, and successful. And I was tall, too.
Okay, that last part is a lie.
But then I got tired. Life threw me curve balls Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-70795234448466501662014-10-29T07:14:00.002-07:002014-10-29T07:16:10.768-07:00Muddling It's getting too cold to run outside in the mornings. I'm toying with the idea of a morning gym visit (weights and treadmill) and a short evening run, just to get some outdoor time every day. The air is amazing this time of year, filled with the smell of late autumn flowers and fallen leaves. I need to be in it.
About two months after my hip replacement in February, I found myself feeling Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-80123388568765814212014-10-28T07:14:00.002-07:002014-10-28T07:14:14.266-07:00Good Things1. I haven't talked about this here because I didn't want to talk about it at all. But about a ten days ago, while visiting Utah, my mother fell down a large flight of stairs and ended up breaking several ribs (three are free-floaters), shattering a vertebra in her neck, and getting a concussion which included a small subdural hematoma. She was in critical condition for three days, but was Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-8263676919236561542014-10-26T16:44:00.003-07:002014-10-26T19:56:37.685-07:00A long time ago there was a David in my life. He was young. He spent time with me and with my family. We loved him. I believe we love him still. But one day things changed, he became unhappy with me, and he stopped being in my life. For awhile I contacted him intermittently. I wasn't sure what had happened, but wanted him to know he was still welcome. Then one day David emailed me. He told me allSamanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-73811803562440019672014-10-19T15:46:00.001-06:002014-10-19T17:12:57.086-06:00Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers...This morning a hot air balloon, complete with enthusiastically waving riders, floated over the house across the street. Not something you see every day.
There have been a number of large changes in my life over the past few months. Some of them (being able to run again, for example), have been very good. Some have been less so. I'm beginning to understand more about my role in the lives of Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-84944667898112818582014-10-13T22:10:00.003-06:002014-10-13T22:14:47.572-06:00"Like" this post...Facebook makes me tired.
Well, let's be real about this... pretty much everything makes me tired lately.
I've come to understand that when it comes to pop culture, or socialization, or politics, or religion, or trendy food/styles/music, or lifestyles, or wisdom, or friendship, or pretty much anything really-- I am not enough.
I don't feel passionate about most things. It's not that I don't Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-74633350682046672082014-10-08T13:02:00.001-06:002014-10-08T15:18:15.785-06:00Letting GoSometimes it helps to talk about things here. And I've sort of been doing it in conjunction with this topic for about 8 months now-- since I noticed a shift if a few of my closest relationships. People were moving on and I was not.
However, right now I want to just say this: I've been working on letting go for awhile now. It's been difficult, but Therapist helped me figure out what I need to do.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-30188794070894848782014-10-06T22:12:00.000-06:002014-10-06T22:12:35.700-06:00Things I miss now that all I do is lesson planning and grading (in no particular order):1. Cooking with AtP and Brozy. And trying crazy foods with them. And laughing just because it's fun to be together.
2. Playing with Boo and her daughter-- and husband when he's around (I believe it's way past time for another REALLY AWFUL movie night).
3. Meeting people I've spoken with online. This happened a lot at Fob and Blue-beta get-togethers. Those particular social events don't happen Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-22977946290877883022014-09-25T10:00:00.003-06:002014-09-25T10:08:44.057-06:00Waiting for TherapistI have a very good therapist. I know there have been times when I've poked fun at him, or been angry at him, but I'm aware that he is probably the best fit I could have found when it comes to therapy.
I've also come to understand in the past couple of years that he cares about me and he admires me for taking on the task of healing, sorting through all the yucky stuff, and enduring and growing Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-67542348875226528222014-09-20T08:52:00.000-06:002014-09-20T15:58:03.614-06:00Bowing OutI need to take a break for awhile. People who know me personally, know where to find me. But before I go I need to say just a few things:
1. I have deepest sympathy/empathy for victims of violent crimes who have to testify against, or even just issue a statement against the perpetrators. Unless one has been in such a situation, it's sort of impossible to gauge its emotional and mental impact. Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-64409892829675402802014-09-15T16:41:00.002-06:002014-09-15T16:44:40.004-06:00"Step with care and great tact, and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act." -- Dr. SeussI haven't been able to talk for awhile. There's too much going on inside. Overwhelmingly too much.
Last week one of the officers who took Jeff's and my statements called. He told me that he and the sheriff (who happens to be a friend from high school) visited with my cousin, David. They had interviewed him, told him of the charges against him, and taken his statement. The case is now with the Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-59553681019541108622014-09-08T22:35:00.000-06:002014-09-09T09:39:02.352-06:00Thought Processing Life Choices About People and RelationshipsToday was difficult. Without going into details, I'll just say that I've had days when I was happier.
That being said, I decided that it's high time I stopped waiting for some interrelationship things to happen. Waiting makes me more stressed. That's not something I can afford anymore. So I tied up some loose ends, said good-by to some things I'd been hoping for, allowed myself to wish things Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-23892154596278057552014-08-23T18:35:00.003-06:002014-09-07T20:39:49.223-06:00I just need to say this for the record: I've been wrong about a lot of things I've written in this blog. Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-12820013268171376112014-08-16T23:18:00.002-06:002014-09-07T20:39:40.093-06:00BalancingI'm having lots of ups and downs lately. Stress does that to me.
Father-in-law went home yesterday. Adam was the last one to leave for work and it occurred to me that I was alone in my home for the first time in a couple of weeks. I'm not saying for sure, but I might have done a little dancing while singing loudly. It's also possible that I had my first talking-to-myself session in awhile. I'm aSamanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-4667489493249667202014-08-19T22:22:00.002-06:002014-09-07T20:39:27.984-06:00Today I filed an official report. Jeff was to be contacted, as well, so that he could file his report. There is no statute of limitations. The most serious charge that can be filed (and this would be a longshot) is fourth degree sexual assault.
I don't want to do this. It sucks. Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-61646986159080088542014-08-21T11:42:00.002-06:002014-09-07T20:39:18.473-06:00I think I believed I was all better. I didn't understand what making a report would mean-- what it would reveal about how much further I have to go in my healing. I had reached a stopping point. But I was not finished.
Things I learned:
1. I talk freely about what happened, but mostly here, where I pretend I'm anonymous. I spok about it on Facebook, but gave more details about how I've healed and not about what actually happened. Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-64812525873477060932014-08-24T16:34:00.000-06:002014-09-07T20:39:06.594-06:00The important thing is to not be bitter over life's disappointments...I glanced over this blog and her sister blog, "Magical World" this weekend. So many posts about how I'm doing better and healing and happier and learning how to have real relationships with people and other nonsense. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I believed if I said it often enough, it would be true.
The real truth is that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things don't change andSamanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-5216080422462820832014-09-07T20:38:00.002-06:002014-09-07T20:38:47.720-06:00FineIt's been almost a week since I finished talking to authorities and legal people about what happened to me many years ago. Jeff went with me. I'm still not in a place where I can talk about it. My dad called a few days ago to check on me. I let the call go to voicemail. I haven't talked to him yet. My mom came over today to pick up a package my nephew had left for her at my house. She asked how Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-3079204058372450822014-09-06T10:06:00.002-06:002014-09-06T11:49:44.385-06:00Today is my birthday.
I believe I've written about this before, but usually the day after, because my birthday is usually a very emotionally stressful day.
I think it's okay to wish my parents and family wanted to celebrate my day each year, especially when I was a child and birthdays were a REALLY BIG DEAL.
I think it's okay that sometimes I felt hurt when they forgot, or when they rememberedSamanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-90188451918940991782014-08-27T07:15:00.001-06:002014-08-27T07:15:42.741-06:00Being Authentic: A little goes a long wayI put away all my posts about Jeff and official reports and feeling stressed.
PTSD is an interesting monster. When it's invisible, unknown, it pushes and prods until I talk about it. Once it's a well-known entity, I feel able to discuss how it affects me. All this is good and healthy, right?
Once upon a time I was a person people talked to-- a confidante. I was fun to spend time with. People Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-55262688112443464702014-08-12T20:51:00.001-06:002014-08-12T20:54:41.193-06:00Running AgainYup. I am.
Right now I'm still learning to use my new hip and I'm limited to using the treadmill-- one minute running/two minutes walking, no more than 10 minutes daily, but I don't care. I'm running. Three weeks from today, the goal is to double my time with a 1/1 ratio, at which point I'll be evaluated to see how this is effecting bionicness.
I can't even express how happy this makes me. Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-5005786611741952014-08-12T00:19:00.000-06:002014-08-12T00:19:09.650-06:00Maybe when I'm 80 I'll understand.My father-in-law does nothing. I'm pretty sure he wants to do something, but unless someone suggests it, he does nothing. On Saturday he asked us when we attend church on Sunday. We told him 9:00 a.m. Then we got up and went to church. FIL is not a member of our church and has, in the past, been more than a little antagonistic about our membership and attendance. When I got home, FIL said in a Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-59248787661682563952014-08-08T14:51:00.002-06:002014-08-09T06:46:13.324-06:00Today I went shopping with my father-in-lawDarrin is the youngest in his family. I am one of the oldest. My dad is in his late 60s. Darrin's dad is ancient.
Because of his ancientness, and four heart attacks, and a stroke, FIL opted for one of those riding scooters at the store. He walks S-L-O-W-L-Y. But the riding scooters always seem to be agonizingly slow, as well. However, not when my FIL is driving.
After nearly hitting about six Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5726484556230397618.post-26454097663392923962014-08-06T10:35:00.001-06:002014-08-06T10:37:41.768-06:00Putting myself in time-outBecause sometimes when I'm unable to manage PTSD (not even close to "managing" right now), I think about weird things, and imagine weirder ones. And, of course, all of those things involve how I feel about people in my life and are completely irrational. That does not mean I don't feel those things deeply and seriously. It does mean that I feel completely crazy pretty much all the time.
I felt Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02216416424593449924noreply@blogger.com1