Hirstreet's performance has an uncompromising honesty and wit, which moved me to tears of laughter, sorrow and eventually triumph. Anyone who is looking to be reminded why we live and why we continue to fight all our little fights, should see this show immediately.”

Ryan O’Nan

(Star of The Dry Land with America Ferrera, 2006 Grand Prize Winner of the Screenwriting Expo for Chu and Blossom)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

When I was ten, we moved out of the tough city of Elizabeth and into a small suburb before I finished fifth grade. Mention the words 'middle school' to most people and many times you'll see a flash of terror wash across their face. It's an awkward time. You start noticing the opposite sex (or the same sex, like my friend Lionel, who you'll meet another day) you take note of how people are dressing, and being cool is the most important thing in the world. Middle school was my 'wear oversized jeans and talk like Coolio' phase. I hung out with a group of kids who liked to steal street signs, listen to bands like Tool and Bush, and 'set shit on fire'. They are all living respectable adult lives now so I'll change their names to protect their images. But above, you'll see a picture of us when I turned 13.

The night before spring break started in seventh grade, a bunch of us had a sleepover over at my friend Coby's house. Coby had a big brother named Chris, who was the epitome of cool, and also about 2 million times stronger than I will ever be. Now let me clarify that in our group of trouble makers, I was the biggest pussy. I did not like jumping fences or running really fast away from authority. That's how people die. Fence accidents and running spills. I probably would have worn a helmet if it didn't risk my coolness.

All of us were so happy that Coby's big bro was going to be present. Now it was certain that our night would kick ass. All of my friends had agreed with big Chris, that the most fun would be had in the basement by turning out the lights and having big Chris beat the crap out of whoever he got his hands on, regardless of race or creed. In my heart, I knew this was the worst idea ever uttered, but how could I say anything? Chris would punch a hole in my face and then everyone would call me 'hole-face' for the rest of my life. Not an option. So when the lights went out, and the sound of fists punching stomachs filled the air, I did the only thing a wuss could do at that moment: hide in the laundry room. The noises terrified me. I felt like I was hiding outside the Russian roulette house in the Deer Hunter. Young men losing their dignity in a cold New Jersey basement. Every once in awhile, big Chris would turn on the lights to make sure he hadn't killed anyone, like any responsible big brother would do, and I had to run out of the laundry room and pretend that I was present the entire time. "That was dope yo!" I'd say. Then when the lights went out, I ran into the gauntlet, located Chris by sound and punched him in the face, while screaming "What you're doing is wrong!" Someone had to stop him. "Whoever did that is gonna die!" he screamed. And I ran back into the laundry room. The beatings went on for about three hours.

At about two in the morning, Chris' friend Jack came by and offered to walk with us youngsters to Dunkin' Donuts. I would have left that basement to play doctor with Satan at that point. I just wanted to leave. My friend Jeremy was limping from his injuries, muttering things like "I think Chris broke my ass bone" and "I'm having trouble living"

So, Chris' friend Jack looked like he'd been grown in a lab, using crab grass and retarded stepchildren. "Hey you guys wanna steal a car?" "That's okay Jack, I'm cool" I said, completely horrified at the look of seriousness on his inbred face. And there was no shortage of ideas to get us all imprisoned for life. "Let's break into this garage and set fire to the entire house! Let's draw a swastika on their front door" Suddenly, Jeremy informed us that he was tired by laying down for a nap on a random front lawn. "Just let me sleep for a few hours, then come back and get me. Don't draw a swastika on me Jack." Jack had become impatient with our reluctant attitude, and the next thing I know, he is ringing a doorbell and running like a cross-eyed jackal, screaming RUN FAGGOTS!!! Jeremy was already asleep and we had to drag him off the grass into the street. "Alright, I can run on my own, please!!" Jeremy begged. We finally made it to D&D and stuffed our faces with Boston creams and chocolate glazed donuts. After Jack suggested we find someone to murder, we decided to sneak out of there when he went to the bathroom. We looked like tiny soldiers after a long battle with a giant and a dozen donuts. Our mistake was taking the same route back to Coby's. Why? Because the house that Jack ding-dong-ditched had called the police. That’s what they do in the suburbs, and they were waiting for us when we passed.

COP Where the hell do you kids think you're going?

COBY Back to my house. I live right over there.

COP Were you ringing your neighbor's doorbell?

ME We don't have to answer any of these racist questions. We plead the tenth PoPo!

COP Guess what? Now you all have to get in the back of my car. Now!

He drove us all to the police station. For some reason, I couldn't shut my stupid mouth. "My parents are going to take you to court! Why do you like imprisoning kids in your car, pervert?" They called all of our parents down and my mom came, and she was beside herself to begin with. Then the cop told her that I was the worst one, and that I was a punk kid and he wouldn't be surprised if I made frequent visits to the station in the future. He wasn't totally wrong about that. I was a little punk, but I was proud of it. That is until I got home and my dad yelled at me for four hours straight, without taking a breath. It was a lot like the Deer Hunter. It really was.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The whole point of the stories and having this blog at all is to give you all a preview of my one-man show MY BROKEN BRAIN. Now it's official that My Broken Brain will have a home at FringeNYC, the biggest arts festival in New York, this summer!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Being ten years old was interesting because I started to feel more grown-up, but I still had the body of an Olson twin. Elizabeth was getting pretty sketchy around us. The newspaper reported a brutal stabbing on Berwick street in the 100s. My house was 133. I started seeing all sorts of craziness outside, i.e. An old married couple screaming at each other, then the woman smashed the man over the head with a bottle. The man was running after her screaming "Why would you waste that!? Why would you waste that!?" Then my mother had her Oldsmobile stolen right out of our driveway. It was the last straw. Also, I was ten years old and still hadn't learned to ride a bike, a.k.a. Huge Loser! The sidewalks were ruined with jagged concrete and littered with used condoms and old Capri Suns squeezies. I wasn’t skilled enough to navigate through all of that crap.

So we moved to Green Brook, New Jersey. A small, suburban town separated by the Route 22 highway. There were a lot more white kids here, total stereotype but very true, and our new street was part of a cul-de-sac. A cul-de-sac! It sounded so European. Or something I have when it’s cold outside.

My younger sister, Lauren, had a pink bike she was too young to ride, and with the moving van still in my new driveway, I rode the hell out of that Barbie-cycle. My dad was so happy, “All right Mikey boy!” And with the pink tassels fluttering in the wind off the handlebars he said, “We gotta get you a blue bike now. Right?”

I was really fortunate to be able to move into such a nice neighborhood. My parents worked very hard to get us there. My dad worked with technology in New York City and his recent promotion allowed us to make this move. He has the biggest heart in the world, so it always threw us off guard when at random moments there would be scenes like this:

So a friend from high school, let's call her Awesome Girl, wrote this really sweet letter of support for the blog, and I wanted to share this with you. Its sentiments totally match my view on the world and I hope it matches yours too. Here we go:

hey mike,

i just read your ENTIRE blog. the whole thing, seriously, it took me like a full ten minutes.

anyway, the reason i'm writing is because you mentioned that you felt you had some growing up to do. i have been having a similar conversation with various people in my life lately.

i have a few jobs.. maybe even a real career path.. i own a home.. i'm married with two dog children.. i work my ass off and then i come home and put on a clown mask and play video games until bed time. occasionally, i will prepare dinner for my husband.. which generally consists of pizza or mac and cheese.. i sometimes throw a vegetable into the mix.

i am sure people at work think that i go home and put on an apron and dote on my husband. i don't. i hide behind the shower curtain and wait for him to get home and try to scare him.

i had an instance a few weeks ago, where i had a call out for work pretty late at night. my dispatcher dispatched a police officer as well to follow up on me and make sure i didn't get kidnapped or anything.. i was a little dejected by that. and then as i recounted the story to my dad i said.. "well, i guess i can understand his thinking, since i'm a young woman and all" and my dad said.. "you're not really a young woman." and i was like WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! i totally see myself as a kid.. and think that everyone else should, too.

so i've been polling the people in my life.. from my siblings to my father in law, who just turned 64. and apparently, you never feel like a grown up unless you WANT to. My father in law said that when he was in his forties he went through phase where he thought it was time he start acting like a grown up, and he was miserable. he told me to keep acting like a kid for as long as i please. and that is my plan.

Elizabeth, NJ is a big city, and when I was a kid ‘hip-hop’ was really popular, it still is in Elizabeth. If you know me now, as an adult, the thought of me bobbing my head to Jay Z would cause you to laugh and point at me. When I was about eight, it was the LL Cool J, Kris Kross, and Vanilla Ice era for me. I was blasting “Ice, Ice Baby” while getting dressed for my first day of church. This was to be the cure for the insane nightmares that were plaguing my sleep (The devil dressed as the crazy, cartoon leprechaun drowning me in his Lucky Charms, while screaming ‘Suck on my marshmallows Michael! Suck them!’).

It was a nice sized chapel filled with smiling faces. I remember thinking, their faces are smiling but their eyes look really angry. Then, this ordinary looking man, Pastor Nick, turned out to be some kind of wizard. He said that he 'knew' god personally, and that god was always talking about me.

MICHAELWhat does he say?

PASTOR NICKHe wants to know why you never let him in.

MICHAELTell him I live on Berwick Street, my room's upstairs, he could come find me whenever he wants.

MOMMichael paleease try baby. Iss either Jesus or El Diablo Michael. You can only choose one.

I searched and searched inside my heart. There was just nothing. Had Jesus given up on me? I started crying, and everyone around me thought my tears were a sign of Christ’s presence. Finally, I was so exhausted, that I saw the face of Jesus. And he looked just like Vanilla Ice, with a thin line of facial hair and the letters JC buzzed into the side of his head. And he was singing, “Christ, Christ baby, ding-ding-ding-di-di-ding-ding.” And I screamed, “I feel him! I feel him in my heart! Break it down JC!”