Monday, February 25, 2013

Feeling lonely...

I feel lonely today. I tried reaching out to certain people about how I feel and basically I get no reactions. I guess what I feel sad about is something so small in the grand scheme of things but it still affects me pretty badly and I can't help it. My nerves were so bad these past two Sundays all because of my cursed nature and this need to be validated by the guy I have attached my feelings to. I don't know why I continue to put myself through abuse. It's really not fair to myself. I know that it's all because I have failed to listen to God in some way or another. Anyway, I had a bible study today, though and that made me feel better and reminded me of what God's will is for my life and that is to be a blessing to other people. I am here to serve and be a blessing to others. I am here to help raise God's sheep and help them become stronger. I just wish sometimes someone would help me out, though. God helps me. I always feel like I have to be strong some how and I do want to be strong but then when I am, no one can really connect with me or care enough about me... then again, the strongness comes from the fear that if I really did share my feelings that no one would care... and that's kind of what happened today. I guess something really bad needs to happen to me before anyone would care; that's probably an evil part of me speaking. Forgive me.

Anyway, we continued to study the life of Jacob and his complacency after one of his greatest life problems had been resolved. (A great life problem that has been resolve for me is the battle to have healthier skin). Anyway, I have been struggling with really bad skin for a long time because of a stupid mistake I made around the age of nineteen. My skin is just starting to look healthy again after a long freaking time. Thank God... but now I'm wanting to settle in and get comfortable and start dating and going after my goals, my dreams. This is where the problem comes in. I stop worrying about God's will for my life and just start worrying about my own. I start making myself the center of my world instead of God and so God shakes my world and yes, it was shaken, and now I'm looking at things in myself that Jacob had to deal with. God had told Jacob to return to Bethel, it was a command and Jacob had decided to settle elsewhere. Because of this there was great turmoil. His daughter Dinah was taken captive and violated. Then her brothers came to her rescue quite violently. God had to intervene and remind Jacob of what His request was, Go to Bethel! So, Jacob had listened to God but before he continued with God's request, he made his whole family get rid of the idols and foreign gods they had and purify themselves. Then Jacob set out to Bethel with his family where God wanted to confirm His covenant with Jacob and turn Jacob into someone more self-less and worried about the needs of others.

I mean, the story continues, but I guess that's what I wanted to share. I feel like God is trying to tell me to let go of some idols in my life. I have been hearing this message over and over again. I think that the idol of my life is wanting to date this particular person. It's just been something that has been breaking my heart and nerves over and over again. Also, God has placed particular people in my life that I know He wants me to help mature spiritually, and so my focus should be on trying to help these people grow spiritually. I need to continue to grow spiritually myself and not retrograde because I want to attract some guy. Ah, it's scary and hard doing things God's way when you so badly just want to be comfortable and do things your way. And I'm not just talking about wanting to party or sleep around or anything like that, but just the pride of wanting the Christian life your way and done with your timing.

This is really hard. It really does seem like you resolve one problem just to enter into another problem all over again. It's hard as heck...ya know, it's very hard, but all you can do is do your best to trust that God really does have a plan to prosper and not to harm, a hope and a future. That's what I see nearly everyday on the little table near my bed. I have to remind myself that God does care for me...why does He? He just does...I suck, I complain over small fry stuff, and I always wish I could call life quits, but He still loves me and helps me.