Thursday, 12 February 2015

Take Mary here. She's like, "I didn't ask for a baby. I didn't even do anything to warrant a baby coming to be. And now I have this baby and it has strained my marriage, complicated my sexuality, and caused me to flee to another country. But he will not take my last solace. HE CANNOT HAVE MY LAST DRUMSTICK."

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

I love this picture.These are the most epic babies I have ever
seen.The one in the middle will claw
out your liver without a second thought.His friend on the right is pleading with his eyes that you’ll just drop
it so Baby 1 doesn’t lose it again, because he is sick of cleaning up the blood.Baby 3 is seeing his life flash before his
eyes, right before his intestines do in a Mortal Kombat-esque finishing move.

But I wondered: what IS this painting?What is happening in the rest of it?Does it all ooze as much drama as these
little guys?

It turns out this snippet is a part of “The
Intervention of the Sabine Women,” and it is every bit as action-packed.

The story goes that the Romans went and
abducted some Sabine women, so the Sabines went and tried to get them back, and
here the Sabine women are trying to stop the violence.This lady is either trying to intervene,
or finish her yoga session.

I think this lady is welcoming the opportunity
to be invaded.

Fortunately for her, the warriors came with
the latest in practical battlewear.

Of course, some people seem less interested
in the warriors than they are in absconding naked with a horse.

It is perhaps worth noting that this
painting is apparently intended to reflect the artist’s hope for the people of France
to reconcile
after the Revolution.Which I think
speaks volumes: nothing says post-revolution France like well-oiled nude men
with spears, ravaged women, and a deep affection for Mister Ed.

Saturday, 17 January 2015

After last week’s exploration in the comments section of the
fashion concerns surrounding wearing white while beheading someone, I stumbled
across this other depiction of Judith.

It just goes to show that a smattering of
blood can really make a statement in an otherwise drab ensemble.The delicate splatters on the arms show that
she was involved in the chopping, but just enough to accent - not so much as to
get any icky gore stuck anywhere, as that would be gauche.And I would note that the servant lady-man
looks at least as intense now that the head is in hand as s/he did during the
act.

This discovery was more than another take
on the Judith story, however.It is
featured on the website Christian
Image Source, which features a plethora of “free Christian
images to use in almost any way you wish.”That seemed like too good an offer to pass up.

There are many categories of images listed,
but the one that caught my eye was “Women of the Bible.”Because other Bible images are very
masculine, and so the discerning lady looking for Biblical art inspiration on
characters to emulate would want a separate, one-stop shop.So let’s take a look!

Lydia

I have to confess that I did not remember
who “Lydia” was, beyond a vague impression that she was a character in the film
“Beetlejuice.”It turns out that in the Book of Acts, a woman named Lydia
was so inspired by the words of Paul, that she invited him and his pals to her
house to stay.What puzzles me here is
that the only other description of this lady seems to be that she was “a seller
of purple fabrics,” which is a detail that would have been easily indicated
given the quantity of drapery in her house and on her person.I am left to assume that she had a rule against
using her own product.

Anyway, here she is, inviting the viewer in
with an expression that does not strike me as entirely pure and pious, if you
get my drift.

Moving on, we turn to Jephthah’s daughter,
a woman of the bible so important that she doesn’t get a name of her own.

Jephthah's Daughter

The story goes that Jephthah
makes a vow to God that if he wins a particular battle, then the first thing that comes out of his house to greet him afterwards, he will burn as an
offering to The Lord.Because nothing
could go wrong with that kind of vow.Lo
and behold, he wins the battle, and when he gets home his daughter comes out to
greet him, so he murders – I mean, sacrifices her.That’s it for Jephthah’s daughter in terms of
story.I am not sure how that is
reflected in this image.Is that how she
came out to greet her father after battle?In which case, there might be other issues at hand.Maybe her name was Electra?

Right, let’s go back to the New Testament,
where surely purity must abound.

The Samaritan Woman

Ahh, the woman at the well.This is one of the most memorable stories in
the Bible for me because of a lecture I attended at a prominent Divinity
school, and I am not making this up, where the guest lecturer went on for at least 20 minutes on the topic of why the story of
the Samaritan Woman at the Well was about a sexual proposition.

“Jesus says he would give her LIVING
WATER,” the lecturer observed.“This is
CLEARLY HIS SEMEN.”Watching respected
Biblical scholars attempt to reason with this man was one of the most
entertaining incidents of my academic life, because his response to every
comment was “She says that the WELL IS DEEP. But he has NO BUCKET.”

Anyway, nice cleavage, Samaritan lady.

Ok, fine.The Samaritan lady is supposed to be a bit risqué, with her long list of
past or present sugar daddies.Surely
someone like a
widow, mourning the death of her only son, will be a paragon of weeping and
modest dishevelment.

The Widow of Nain

Oh, come ON.

How about Mary Magdalene, arguably one of
the most important of Christ’s followers?

Mary Magdalene

Just your casual scripture-reading
garb.

So basically, what we have learned is that to
many more modern artists, all of the ladies of the Bible are sexy vixens with mean
come-hither looks.Perhaps women looking
at these images are supposed to be inspired?Or male viewers are meant to “appreciate” the women of the Bible
more? I know the site says the images can be used "in almost any way you wish," but there are some uses I just don't want to associate with Biblical contemplation. Anyway, I can’t wait to see how
tantalizing they make Delilah, one of the greatest seductresses of the Old
Testament…

Saturday, 10 January 2015

In the Book
of Judith, Judith is a hot widow who wants to save Israel from the Assyrians.So, she cozies up to the powerful Assyrian general
Holofernes, who really wants to tap her Lord-Enhanced Loveliness.When she finally agrees to party with him one
night, he gets super drunk and passes out, and she takes the opportunity to
behead him.Really, it’s a lot like the
story of Samson and Delilah, except the powerful idiot who can’t keep it in his
pants is considered a villain, and the lady trying to murder him is the
hero.Also, Judith was intelligent
enough to realize that 99% of the time, beheading is more effective for permanently stopping someone
than tying the guy up with bowstrings.

The
Judith-Beheading-Holofernes story was apparently quite popular in art for many
years.Of the ones I’ve found, this one
by Caravaggio is my favorite, for the sole reason that they all have fantastic
facial expressions.

That is
certainly an appropriate face to have while being beheaded, although I thought
he was supposed to be unconscious, which was how this whole thing came
about.I guess his neck looks to be sort
of three quarters severed at that point, which probably took a few whacks, so
maybe he woke up when he had been liberated of a few tendons?

Also note
the spurting blood that resembles party streamers bursting from a horrible
piñata.

Judith's
expression is even better, holding the head at arm’s length and looking a bit
grossed out by the whole prospect, like a Jane Austen heroine tasked with pig-slaughtering duty.

But the person
most excited in this scene is Judith’s servant.

This little
old lady is ready to go with her head-transportation sack, fists clenched with
anticipation, saying “Yes yes yesyesYESYES MURDER THAT #@$@# REAL GOOD!!”