Sunday, January 6, 2008

Almost a month ago....

I was standing on top of a high-rise, on the balcony, in my leotard. Apparently waiting in line for Baja Fresh (why?). When I saw them...The Musician's parents coming towards me. I was not prepared for their friendly embrace, partly because I was in a leotard, and what's more vulnerable than wearing a leotard and seeing your ex's parents. They told me he waited and waited for me to call...He was devastated, completely "broken up" over the "whole thing"- I hate it when people refer to relationships and significant chunks of your life as a "thing". I pleaded with them to understand that it wasn't my fault...I was the one waiting for him to call. I was the one that was hurt. NOT HIM.

Then I woke up. Dreams are fucking strange. It was 5:13 am, the sun was coming up and I couldn't fall back asleep. I tried the mantra "think of nothing, your brain is completely empty, darkness, you have no thoughts, you are sleeeping" and of course each time I said that I started to think of him.

I've done fairly well cementing him out of my brain and making myself semi-delusional in acting as if I barely remember it was only a month ago, tomorrow, that he called and said- "I don't think you should move out here." It started with, "We need to talk.....but don't worry it's not that big of a deal...I'll call you later."NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?! Are you fucking insane?! I had planned to move to Seattle on Jan 1st....and telling me you didn't want me there was, "not that big of a deal?!" WHERE IS YOUR SOUL?! It was your idea. YOU said I love you first, you said it was better when I was there, you said hurry up.

I made him talk to me right then. I said I didn't want later, I wanted now and I needed to know what the hell was going on....I was basically begging him to tell me he was done, so I could start hating him. Tell me he wanted to see other people, so that I could tell him he was a fool. But he didn't.He said...."I'm getting on the bus, I'll call you when I'm home."And that will have been a month ago tomorrow. He just never called.

Almost four years of trying to see other people, getting together and realizing we were meant to be together and then taking a break again because it didn't make sense. We were in seperate states, we wanted different things. Four YEARS and he just didn't call me back?......

We were there, our timing was finally right, we were finally in the same chapter, in the same book, a page we'd been trying to be on together for so long. I was finally letting him love me.The last thing he said to me in person, the day after Thanksgiving was," I love you."I said, "What?" I knew what he said....I just wanted to hear him say it again, maybe because subconsciously I knew it'd be the last time."I love you." He said it louder, he smiled and looked me right in the eyes. The eyes that were looking at him and loving him, completely. "I love you too."

So now, I'm trying to keep him out of my brain. I'm busying myself with looking at new men, new bodies, new personalities, new hands, and i'm attempting to act intrigued, because I desperately want to be. And my dreams are reminding me that he's still there...my subconscious still has a whole chapter that is him. We still have the same friends, I still have his things, he still knows how much I love Swedish Fish and he probably would have brought my chicken noodle soup on my current deathbed, I still have a pillow with his face on it, and now i'm back in the state where we were once together, doing the things we did together; alone. When i'm asleep, that is the last place where I want him to be, because it's the one place where he wasn't.

33 comments:

1. I am so sorry for you and cannot imagine what that felt/feels like, especially only one month into it.2. This goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway: you? are so much better off without this kind of blatant disrespect. The endings of relationships should be treated with as much care as any other part of the relationship.3. You're fabulous and I am here for you, should you ever need to bitch/have a virtual drink.

Thank you so much ladies, I know I shouldn't need other people to remind me that it was fucking disrespectful and I am better than that, and that he's an absolute cowardly, prick.... but sometimes it's nice to get some words to remind me. So virtual drinks it is, cheers.

I stumbled here by accident, but can not believe this post I just read. WTF??? How can one human be so utterly disrespectful to another? I have just one word for his ass, KARMA. You are so much better off without him, its hurts now I'm sure, but hopefully you have lots of friends around you to take you out for a drink, movie, whatever your thing is. Take care and HUGS, you deserve it.

So, maybe I'm old and none the wiser. And I know I'm newish to your blog, so forgive me when I ask, did you ever consider calling him?

Clearly you two have history. And there have been many moments of "what the fuck are we doing?!" Maybe the ex got cold feet. Was scared to plunge into the next phase. And maybe neither of you will ever know how the other feels if one isn't courageous enough to call the other?

And if I'm totally wrong (it wouldn't be the first time), it takes time, lots of it, to get over an ex. Use your dreams, your thoughts, your encounters as stepping stones to something better.

I did call him.....he just never called back...and in the past with our history, I had bene the one to call first everytime. The one to appologize first, it was as if he thought I owed hom something constantly, maybe in the beginning of our relationship....when I was younger, I was as ready for something so serious, when he was, so he constantly felt like I had to LIVE UP to what he was in the beginning....which was a long time ago, so I spent most of the my time trying ot prove to him I wanted to be in the relationship...It was always "nothing is ever enough" or when I do finally have "it all" what will I do now? He didn't believe in having good things......especially after writing all of that...It's probably ablessing it didn't work out, it just hurts.And Vanessa, thank you :) I do have good friends, amazing friends, and the comments have made me feeling even better.

he sounds like a prick. perhaps im a cynic but i am wary of the "i love you" comment - because on the rare occasion i have got that i've been fucked about. the guy i'm currently seeing has not said it yet, and i think that's probably a good thing!!! P x

Um, yeah, what they said. Seriously, he just never called...that is purely something I never would have put up with if I knew that person. Like, I wish I knew him right now so I could hunt him down and punch him in the face.Yes, you are better off because you deserve respect in whatever stage of a relationship you're in.Your writing is brilliant, by the way.

I hate that...when the "I love you" thing is all their idea, and then suddenly they're done. It's happened to me, and (as I see from all the comments) to so many others. I can't believe he just never called, either. That's terrible, and must have been heartbreaking. You write about it well, though, and I completely agree that you deserve to at least be free of him in your sleep.

I used to see this guy and 3 days after he told me he loved me for the first time, i walked in on him screwing a "friend" of mine in the hot tub.

Men can't handle their feelings.. they feel and they run. They do really shitty things to prove to themselves they aren't feeling anything. I'm sorry that happened to you, i cringed when i read it. i truly feel your pain on this one.

This happened to me. Exactly 3 years ago. After four years together, THREE spent keeping it together (more or less) long distance, he bailed when it was time for me to move out there. "Wasn't ready", didn't want to "force things" wtf? 6 months later he was ready... moved in with a girl from his work. Bastard. It's so much more hurtful to know that something else was happening behind the scenes without my knowledge, that his explanations were all lies- but it is definitely better than simply not calling back. I'm so sorry, SO sorry you went through this. It gets better, I promise. When I wrote about it on my blog, somebody commented: "You think THIS guy loved you? Just wait, you have no idea what's in store." Although I didn't believe it at the time, she was right. Now, I think I could've ended up with the prick and missed out on the man I have. Funny that I'm now thankful for losing him, despite suffering through the worst pain I have ever known.

anonymous- Though you went through a really shitty time it is nice to know that there are people who have gone through it who find something better.

I am convinced that is the reason it happened to me. I had to let him go in order for something better to come along.Thanks for comment, I really appreciate everyones support and i'm happy you found someone who adores you.

Right, so I'm new to your blog (and bored at work) so I was meandering through your recent posts and stumbled across this one.WTF?After reading it I was full of righteous indignation for you.Guys can be such asshats.

wow, i don't know how i found this particular post but it was strangly so similar to my situation. wow! I was supposed to move to seattle with my 5 year bf in september when I got an out of the blue, "i can't see us continuing the relationship anymore" and bam...he was out of my life after 5 years. I'll have to go back and read the rest of your posts.

That was how my on-again-off-again bf of 8 years and I finally ended things. He said he'd call me back and just never did. That was a pattern of his, something he called "having a crisis of faith." The first time he did it should've been the last time, but for a long time, I truly thought the fault lay with me, not him.

There's nothing quite as painful as being dismissed without a word. It effectively says, "I don't even value you enough to tell you it's over to your face and mutter some sweet nothings to cushion the blow." But what it also says is that men who employ this tactic are cowards. They know they're in the wrong, and they can't face you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope that now, several months later, the freshness of the pain is starting to fade.

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