Husband

Asked by Cbullock0586 on 2019-03-25 with 1 answer:

My husband had major anger issues. We have been together for 8 years and have 3 kids together. I never feel like I can say what I want because I’m scared he’s going to react. I do everything in the home. All he has is to do is work. He snaps at the kids almost daily when he wakes up. He works graveyard. He never asks them how their days are or makes them feel like they are doing anything right. Our problem is that I defend them constantly and he doesn’t like that I take their side. Tonight, he snapped at our daughter for getting soap in her eye. I stepped in and told him to get out because I’ve seen/heard enough.

Last year I went I get my hair done and the appointment took a little longer. He was calling nonstop, asking when I was going to be back. On the mile drive home, I didn’t even want to go. Then I got home and we argued. I followed him upstairs to finish our conversation and when he slammed a door in my face, I kicked it. This angered him and he came out and pushed me against the dresser. My middle child saw it and was crying. My back was bruised. It took me a good six months to even think about forgiving him.

The only thing that keeps me here is the fact that I don’t want my kids to be in a broken home. I grew up in one and I remember many, many sad nights.

What do I do? I’ve asked him to go to counseling. Should I ask again and reiterate the importance of it?

He also drinks heavily. After Christmas, I told him I would love for him to quit drinking hard liquor. For his health and for our kids. He hasn’t had any that I know of, but I fear he will begin again soon. He’s happier when he is buzzed, but I can’t have an alcoholic husband.

I know this all sounds like too much. I have no one to talk to without feeling judged. I need advice on what I should do. I feel lost. The only things keeping me going are my kids. They come first.

I’m very glad you found the courage to speak up about your situation. In spite of not want to be in this situation, it sounds like you have an angry alcoholic husband who is verbally and physically abusive. I don’t use these terms lightly. But, if I were taking a test in graduate school and this was the profile I was given, there isn’t a different conclusion to be drawn.

I am glad he’s stopped drinking for the moment. However, the fact that it has become such a problem in the family means that you might do well to get to an Al-Anon meeting in your area. Al-Anon is for family and friends of people with alcohol problems and you will find out very quickly that anger and alcohol often go together. You’ll need support from this group going forward.

I’d also ask around at the Al-Anon meeting about a Woman’s Center in your community that works with women in marriages such as yours. Finding support for you and your children is important. While it is a good thing he has stopped drinking he isn’t seeking help to figure out what’s behind it and how he is hurting others. Often this means that the verbal and physical abuse continues. Having some support to cope with that is essential.

You have done a very good thing by speaking up and writing us here. Take the next steps and get some support through Al-Anon and a woman’s center.

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Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.