Only fun forwards for fun ...

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

Varun Khanna

Ranch Hand

Posts: 1400

posted 13 years ago

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Bob". "And what is your question, Bob?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, where is Bob?"

- Varun

Avi Nash

Ranch Hand

Posts: 71

posted 13 years ago

The following is an actual excerpt from an edition of Forbes Magazine: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent Epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of alcohol helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a University and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years. So, this is a call to arms. As your company enters a period of rapid and aggressive growth, let's not be found lacking. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge. What more can we do?? So in this new year make a resolution - to kill your dead cells ... ;o) [ January 07, 2004: Message edited by: Avinash S ]

ChanSan Mehbubani

Ranch Hand

Posts: 108

posted 13 years ago

Administrator,Is there any way that limit the number of posts in a particular thread ?While registering there should be some option like "Do you want to see Garbage Thread? Click Yes/No"

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

Avi Nash

Ranch Hand

Posts: 71

posted 13 years ago

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!! Dear Bo$$ In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon. Your$ $incerely, Norman $oh

The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply: Dear NOrman, I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean. Yours truly, Manager

Hi All, A very good morning and have a great day ahead! On a lighter vein, carry on reading... =================================================== I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette =================================================== When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry =================================================== Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne =================================================== After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant Joshi =================================================== By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates =================================================== A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes. =================================================== Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -- Dumas =================================================== The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? -- Freud =================================================== The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. =================================================== I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. =================================================== "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison =================================================== "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran =================================================== "The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much." - Colin Chapman =================================================== "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield =================================================== "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." - Patrick Murray =================================================== Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. =================================================== My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it. =================================================== The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. -- Groucho Marx =================================================== My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space. =================================================== You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman =================================================== A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle =================================================== Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. -- Anonymous =================================================== Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. =================================================== A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." =================================================== A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire". =================================================== Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive... =================================================== First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

Udayan Naik

Ranch Hand

Posts: 135

posted 13 years ago

Another Johnny joke... Little Johnny's teacher declares in the class - "On Friday evening I will ask a question. Anybody who can answer that correctly can have the following Monday off from class". The entire class waits eagerly for Friday. Come Friday evening, and the teacher asks "How many stars are in the sky?". Of course no one can answer that correctly, and they all go home dejected. Comes another Friday evening, and the teacher asks "How many grains of sand are there on the beach?", and no one can answer that either. Fed up with this, little Johnny thinks hard and gets an idea. He obtains two ping-pong balls and paints them black all over. The following Friday, just as the teacher is about to ask a question, Johnny, who's sitting in the back of the class, lets go of the ping-pong balls. They bounce all the way up to the front and come to rest at the teacher's feet. Really pissed, the teacher asks "Allright!! Who's the comedian with the black balls??". Up goes little Johnny in a flash.."Eddie Murphy, see you on Tuesday."

Gail Schlentz

Ranch Hand

Posts: 634

posted 13 years ago

This one's from my daughter... A little girl asks her dad, "Dad, is God black or white?" The dad responds, "God is both." A moment later, the girl asks her dad, "Dad, is God a man or a woman?" The dad responds, "God is both." A few minutes later, the little girl asks, "Dad, is God Michael Jackson?"

Gail Schlentz

Richard Hawkes

Ranch Hand

Posts: 1340

posted 13 years ago

A joke about animals taking drugs. A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit said, "Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come, run with me through the forest." The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint. He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit.

They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit said, "Elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." The elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror, tossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then came across a lion about to inject some heroin. The rabbit said, "Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He slowly walks over to the rabbit and sits on him! Then he continues to get his fix.

Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "Lion, why did you do that? He was trying to help you."

The lion answered, "This little rabbit? He makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes ecstasy."

Varun Khanna

Ranch Hand

Posts: 1400

posted 13 years ago

this is among the worst PJ you will ever read ------> A peasant leaving in a village was badly hit by draught. He was forced to make his living by cutting some wood from the nearby forest and sell in the market. One of the days when he went deep into the woods, he found a very ancient looking temple. He went inside and saw a Shiv Ling inside it. He offered his prayers sensing that the Temple had a special charisma. When he went to the market in the evening that day, he got a deal worth ten times what he would earn earlier.

His belief in the Lord strengthened and he would pray the Ling in the forest everyday and as usual, got very good deals on his woods. He gradually became a big merchant, but never used to forget to offer his prayers in the ancient temple. He also managed to keep the temple a secret and never would tell anyone about it. One of those days he went to the temple to offer his prayings. He was surprised to notice that the Shiv Ling had disappeared. What astonished him more was that a Ganesh idol stood in the place where the Shiv Ling had been there. He tried to search for the Ling around the temple and tried to see if anyone had come to the temple or not. But he found no traces of any kind. Exhausted and worried, he went to the Ganesh Idol and asked the Ganesh in his big ears, "Pappu, tumhare daddy kahaa hai??"

One Surd went for an interview for a OO Programmers job. As the conversation went on, it is depicted below: Interviewer: Mr. Singh, Can u tell me, what is inheritance. Surd Embarassed by this simple que.) When U make love to ur wife and she bears a child, that is Inheritance. Interviewer was a thorough professional and was not disturbed by Surd's reply. But he wanted to have some fun. Interviewer: Then what is Multiple Inheritance? Surd:When U and ur neighbour make love with ur wife and ur wife bears a single child, that is multiple inheritance. Interviewer: What is Virtual Function? Surd: When ur neighbour makes love with ur wife and u assume that the child is urs. Interviewer: What is Pure Virtual Function? Surd: When u r impotent and still ur wife bears a child. This was too much for the interviewer; so he got angry and got up. But the sardarjee was very cool. He said immediately, "no problem, just as sume that ur wife is an abstract base class and allow her to be derived as many times possible.

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

In some remote village of India, one master ji is teaching the Mahabharat katha to a class. He is at the 'Krishna janma' part of it. So let him continue... Masterji: "Bachcho, so Kansa heard the Akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put Vasudev and Devki behind the bars. "First son is born, and Kansa kills him by poisoning; second one is born and Kansa throws him off the mountain peak; third one is born..." Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot puts up his handand says, "Master ji! I have a question here!" Masterji (sounding nervous n confused): "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata and how come you have one?" Ramu: "Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's child - whether 1st or 8th - was going to kill him, why the hell did! he put Vasudev and Devaki in the same cell?"

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

Arjun Shastry

Ranch Hand

Posts: 1906

1

posted 13 years ago

Some students are eating bread kept in a dish.There is small paper note beneath the dish ,saying "Jannat".What is name of studen't teacher?

MH

Varun Khanna

Ranch Hand

Posts: 1400

posted 13 years ago

Originally posted by Capablanca Kepler: Some students are eating bread kept in a dish.There is small paper note beneath the dish ,saying "Jannat".What is name of studen't teacher?

Ishq ki chaon

- Varun

Arjun Shastry

Ranch Hand

Posts: 1906

1

posted 13 years ago

.I think Gulzar will make suicide if he hears this joke!!

MH

Bhushan Mahajan

Greenhorn

Posts: 9

posted 13 years ago

For R. K. Singh The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!" The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors." KIT.....

Originally posted by R K Singh: One Surd went for an interview for a OO Programmers job. As the conversation went on, it is depicted below: Interviewer: Mr. Singh, Can u tell me, what is inheritance. Surd Embarassed by this simple que.) When U make love to ur wife and she bears a child, that is Inheritance. Interviewer was a thorough professional and was not disturbed by Surd's reply. But he wanted to have some fun. Interviewer: Then what is Multiple Inheritance? Surd:When U and ur neighbour make love with ur wife and ur wife bears a single child, that is multiple inheritance. Interviewer: What is Virtual Function? Surd: When ur neighbour makes love with ur wife and u assume that the child is urs. Interviewer: What is Pure Virtual Function? Surd: When u r impotent and still ur wife bears a child. This was too much for the interviewer; so he got angry and got up. But the sardarjee was very cool. He said immediately, "no problem, just as sume that ur wife is an abstract base class and allow her to be derived as many times possible.

Advaniism You have two cows. You dont milk them. You worship them. Chandrababuism You have two cows in Vijayawada. You hook them to internet and milk them from Hyderabad.

Jayalalithaism You have two cows. You teach them to cry, "Ammaaaaaaa..." and fall at your feet.

Karunanidhiism You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew.

Gandhism You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.

Indiraism You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.

Lalooism You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattlefeed for them.

Rajnikantism You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.

Rajivism You have two cows. You paint them both to get colourful milk.

Thakreyism You have two cows. You feed them only saffron flowers.

Vajpayeeism You have two cows. You distribute the milk among your partners and eat cattlefeed.

Veerappanism You have two cows. You take over a reserved forest to feed them.

Azharism You have only one cow. You take money from bookies to maintain it.

Bushism You have as many cows as you like. You preach to others not to have any.

Musharrafism Nawaz Sharif has two cows. Take them over.

Osamaism You have two cows. You convert them into biological weapons.

Talibanism You have two cows. You put them in purdah.

UN-ism You have two cows. You dont milk them; you only lecture to them.

Softwarism: Client has 2 cows and u need to milk them 1 First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off) 2 Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan) 3 Then prepare how to milk them (Design) 4 Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them (Framework) 5 Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client the way in which u will milk them (UI Mockups & POC) 6 If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2 7 You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem with accessories. (Change framework) 8 Redo step 4 9 At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over) 10 Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing) 11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there. 12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls 13. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing) 14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test) 15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk 16. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow rate (performance issue) 17. Again you slog and send it with good performance. 18. Client is happy??? By this time both the COWs aged and cant milk. (The software got old and New software has come in market) ================================================================== If you are not satisfied at what you are doing in office! Try these things............... 1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next. 2. Have work breaks in between tea. 3. Count your fingers (and toes if you get bored). 4. Improve your typing speed. 5. Meditate. 6. Crib(Always as you do). 7. Crib some more. 8. Rearrange the furniture, i.e.. flick someone else chair just to irritate them. 9. Send mails from ms-mail to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?)and read them there..and note down the time they take to reach there. 10. Watch other people changing their facial expressions while working and try changing your expressions also. 11. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts. 12. Make blank calls to your PM. 13. Have a two hour lunch, its a big social occasion. 15. Read jokes and send jokes. 16. Revise last weeks newspaper. 17. Call Credit card marketing executive. 18. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions. 19. Follow the amoebae that float in front of your eyes. 20. Try reformatting the PC hard-disk. 21. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin. 22. Compile "How to waste your day" 23. Pick up phone and dial non existing nos 24. Make faces at strangers in office. Try to pen the faces on paper also. 25. Make faces at your friends in office. 26. Open other people's computers on network and try cracking their passwords. 27. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at a time. 28. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them.Then repeat this process. 29. Look at someone & try to imagine how (s)he might have looked when (s)he was 5 years old. 30. Get a punching machine and paper and show your creativity.....make beautiful patterns by punching holes & admire them as if its really an artistic work by you. 31. And if you are still getting bored, make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap. 32.and on wake up go to step 1

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

Lessons learnt from Alaipayuthey /Saathiyaaa ! 1. Never miss a marriage of your friend in the village because some city figures do come there and they may or you may get interested in each other. 2. Never ask a stranger about a girl unless you are sure that he is not her father. 3. If you travel by minsara (electric) train please look out of the window ... ;-) 4. All software engineers think logically ..[or atleast they think so] otherwise how would you end up to 70 females from 3.5 million ??[and they have a couple of them as friends who would agree to this logic] 5. When you first meet your girl and she shouts at you and asks whether you have no other work, take thisword:" that is the best sign a relationship can get started with" and don't forget to speed in the beach shouting at the top of your voice "Ava enna thittita (she has scolded me.....) !!!" 6. The easiest way to let your parents know your lover is to invite her to your house and inform others about your plan.[and she should know to sing "alai payuthey" with a voice like Harini!] 7. When you say "I love you" try to know what it means because girls now a days expect you to know what it means.. [Hero : "I Love You" Heroine : "appadina (what does that mean???) " ??] 8. Never let your parents to go and do the talking! They spoil it up. 9. When a girl says about 20 weeks and 20 months logic wrt lover and parents don't worry, she would be the first one to defect! 10. When your daughters suddenly wear gorgeous Saris please be sure that she is either going to her kadhalan's house for a function or getting thiruttu (registered) married. 11. When you do a "Thiruttu Kalyanam" get Rahman to sing his version of "Mangalyam Thanthunane" since the old version is considered unauspicious in such occasions! 12. Even marriage registrars are happy about "thiruttu kalyanams". 13. Your house owner is not worried about you working in a software company or an garment company ;-) 14. When you hug your wife's sister [for reasons of your own] make sure your wife is not in the vicinity. Your wife's husband wont mind though. 15. There is some "Ilicha vaayan" Software company in California who would give a $2 million contract to a software outfit in Chennai with a staffing of 5 to 6 people. 16. If one of your friends or brother go for "Pen Parkkum Padalam (meeting the bride) ", go with him since she might have a younger sister who might "not" be married 17. Even Doctors are caught up in the TLA [Three Letter Acronyms] frenzy .. They have their own TIG [Trust in God] 18. After Doctors say TIG, it is finally the lover crying in the bedside which would finally let the patient come out of Coma. 19. and finally the message of the film : When you talk to your girl please add this line : "Nee alaga illai (you are not beautiful) .. nee illama vazha mudiyathunnu ninaikkale (i don't think i can't live without you) .. aana please road cross pannum pothu paathu cross pannu (but please be careful while crossing the road) "

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

�� HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also �� he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give �� milks,��but will do so when he is got child. He is �� same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. �� But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and �� two are afterwards. �� �� What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why �� and the condensed milk and so forth.��Also he is �� useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. �� His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, �� Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to �� trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like �� Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun. �� �� Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding �� after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth �� whom are situated in the inside of��the mouth. He is �� incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only �� attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially �� so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his �� head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled �� to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with �� great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, �� situated in the backyard, but not like similar �� animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other �� side. This is done��to frighten away the flies which �� alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with �� it. �� �� The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the �� grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses �� by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes �� and nose are like his other relatives. �� This is the cow.......

HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM Woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her. EXCEL Woman: She can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun! INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access. SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need her. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful. CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster. E-MAIL Woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

Software Engineers are advised not to spend too much time sitting before computers because the following things may happen in their future. 1. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. 2. When counting objects, you count 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D.. 3. At the superstore, you check to see if a kilogram is 1024 grams, a litre is 1024 mls. 4. When you dream, you are going to dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors. 5. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to sleep, then I am going to divorce you!", you are going to scream at her for omitting the "else" clause. 6. You try to sleep , and think : sleep(8 * 60 * 60); /* sleep for 8 hours */ 7. When you are reading a book, you would look for the scroll bar to get to the next page. 8. If you want to call somebody you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number... 9. You are going to look for an icon to double-click, to open your bedroom window. 10. When you go to balance your check book, you would discover that you'll be doing the math in octal. 11.You would look for a trash can icon to throw garbage. 12.When you get in the elevator you would double-click the button for the floor you want to go.

Q: Why did Ram, Lakshman and Sita eat only Buns during their stay in the forest? A: It was their Bun-waas. Q: What do you call a male bun? A: Bun-da Q: And a female bun? A: Of course, bun-di. Q: What do you call a bun which is walking away? A: Bun-jaara. Q: How would you tell a bun to come to you? A: Bun-aanaa Q: How do you respectfully address a Bengali who bakes buns? A: Bunner-ji Q: A popular Hindi movie on various recipes for making buns? A: Bun-dish. Q: A house made up of shiny buns? A: Bun-glow Q: The most popular brand of buns? A: Ray-bun. Q: A pawn broker who pawns buns? A: Bun-ia Q: An antiseptic bun? A: Bun-nol Q: Where do buns go for pilgrimage? A: Bun-aras. Q: A bun as a music instrument? A: Bun-soory Q: Country for buns? A: Bun-gladesh Q: Place for hajjaar programmer buns? A: Bun-galore Q: What do you call a Bun from the city? A: Ur-bun Q: What do you call a Bun on a Sardar's Head ? A: Tur-Bun Q: What do you call a bun in a chariot race? A: Bun-Hur Q: What do you call a decorated bun? A: Sunder-bun

=============================================== The Denver Police Department were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office. His voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago. "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary." "At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost." "I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window." _____________________________ A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it." _____________________________ Patient in psychiatrist's office standing on the couch and opening a trench coat. Psychiatrist: "No, that is not what I meant when I suggested you try to open up more." _____________________________ A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem." The next morning, when ! the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," the boy exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father." _____________________________ A husband a wife were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick. The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden." And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy." _____________________________ An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question. "Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on. When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard-on. When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on. Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on! So what I'm basically trying to ask you is? How strong am I going to get?" _____________________________ I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine We were both crazy about girls. _____________________________ A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." _____________________________ Myrddin returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed. "All right," Myrddin shouted, "I demand to know where this cigar came from!" A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana." _____________________________ A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor. "O. K." says the medic, "Let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger. _____________________________ Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!" _____________________________ What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for ? It's Braille for "suck here". _____________________________ John and Brian are out and about. John notices that Brian is a bit pissy during the evening, so he finally brings up. "Yo, man, you've been cranky all damned day. What the hell is wrong with you. You're acting like you've got PMS." "Naw, I don't have PMS, but I definitely think I'm suffering from the male counterpart. I call it SRH." "SRH? What's that?" "Sperm Retention Headache." _____________________________ Cindy, a Blonde, strode angrily into the large drug-store/ general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What was the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" Cindy's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for cats?" _____________________________ Two old women were sitting on the bench talking, when one asked the other, How's your Paddy holding up in bed these days?" The second old lady replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise bike." "How's that?" "He climbs on and starts pumping away but we never get anywhere!" _____________________________ An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6 inch putt which the wife has to make. The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and... misses. They lose the match. On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!" The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies, "Yes dear, but it was much, much harder...!" _____________________________ At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!" _____________________________ "Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. "Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax." _____________________________ A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office. "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!" _____________________________

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

Vinod John

Ranch Hand

Posts: 162

posted 13 years ago

Types Of Women : HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM Woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun! INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access. SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need her. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful. CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster. E-MAIL Woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her,she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

Santa stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. Santa, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full. After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to Santa and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?" Santa says, "Two's fine." She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks. Santa looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!" _________________________________ A couple had two children, a boy and a girl, who both turned out to be gay. At first they remained closeted, but they were both musicians, and when they found themselves quasi-famous, they feared being exposed in the press and decided it was better if they were forthcoming about their sexuality. The daughter, Annie, has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon in which she plans to introduce her life partner to the press and tell the world she's a lesbian. And the son'll come out tomorrow. _________________________________ The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged. The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'" _________________________________ Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself..."so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..." "Holy Cow," interrupted his friend, "What did he end up with?" And Fred replied, "Two years." _________________________________ Two friends met on the street and one said, "I heard your brother died. What happened?" "It was very sad," the other replied. "Lettuce killed him." "How could lettuce kill a man?" "This way," he replied. "He bought lettuce at the market and asked the store owner how to keep it fresh. The owner told him, 'Put your head in a plastic bag, tie it tight and put it in the refrigerator'." _________________________________ Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN I NDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in..... AMERICA ..... _________________________________ A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back seat were two passengers, both scantily dressed. "It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?" Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?" _________________________________ Man: "Be honest, now, baby, How am I as a lover?" Woman "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" "Yes my love, my hero, you're 'warm' as the dictionary would say!" The man pleased, went home and just for sake of it checked his dictionary, He read, "WARM: Not so hot." _________________________________ 1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line- up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.

A thorough top side check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ...........

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

Tonny Tssagovic

Ranch Hand

Posts: 226

posted 13 years ago

Okey, this is far from being funny., but I want this thread up, maybe some will post better jokes.. A woman was in her front yard mowing grass when her attractive blond male neighbor came out of his house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later he came out of his house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the woman was getting ready to edge the lawn, he came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions the woman asked him, "Is something wrong?" To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Get lost!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money." And, with that, she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning." =================== Four men go out to play golf one sunny morning. One stays behind in the clubhouse finishing his drink while the other three head for the first tee, discussing their children. "My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact, that in the past year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a nationwide dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, that in the past six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift." "Well, my son Greg has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the past few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift," says the third golfer. At this point the fourth man arrives at the tee and the other men tell him that they have been discussing their progeny and ask what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. "However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh