Monday, October 31, 2011

It's 10:50pm, and I haven't had one piece of candy - even though I have all of this sitting about ten feet away from me:

In the past I would have grabbed up the Snickers, the Twix, the Hershey's, and the Kit Kats, poured myself a big glass of milk, and devoured those babies in about 5 minutes! That was then, and this is now. And now, I refuse to behave that way. I admit I really want all that chocolate, but I'm not going to have it - not even one piece. Instead, I'll go to bed.....and probably dream about it, but that's okay because dreaming about it won't add five pounds to my already big ass.

The candy will be in the house for one more day. We allow our girls to keep it for one day - having a bit of it throughout the day, but that's it. After one day my hubby takes the rest to work, or we just throw it away. So, I'll have to fight the cravings for one more day, but I can do it!

I've been dancing around this number since July, so I'm not really making any progress, but, at least, I'm not back up in the 220's....clearly, I'm grasping at straws here! Listen, I know there's no excuse for me to be at the same number I was at back in July. I need to get my ass in gear, and do better. Period. We're leaving for Walt Disney World in 94 days, so I'm using that as my motivation, right now, to stay on track!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I told my husband that my plan is to not have any Halloween candy - not one piece! And, of course, he looked at me like, yea right!! He was not trying to be mean - he was just be realistic, because, realistically, I, normally, eat about 50 pieces of candy on Halloween! It's sick, really! I am a chocolate freak, and if it's in the house, well, I eat it. So, this year, I'm not buying the candy I'll be handing out to the kids until Monday afternoon because I don't want it in the house any longer than it has to be. I will be buying candy that contains no chocolate because, for me, if it doesn't have chocolate it's not candy, and I won't have any urge to eat it. The problems will start when my girls get home with their big bags of candy from trick-or-treating! There will be chocolate in those bags, and I will want to tear through those bags to look for Twix, Snickers, Hershey's.....anything with chocolate....BUT I won't do it. I am not going to have one piece of candy this Halloween season! I don't need it! Will having one little piece of candy do any real damage? No. But stopping at one is very hard for me, so I'm just going to pass on it altogether. I can do it!

I'm doing good with my fruits and veggies! It feels good to be eating, mostly, raw. I did saute the portabella mushrooms up with just some cooking spray and minced garlic, and they were so good!! I could eat those things for every meal - I love mushrooms!

Last night, I went with my husband to a bowling event with some people from his work. I was able to enjoy myself and I didn't have one alcoholic drink to do it, which is kind of big for me not to do in a social situation. I used to use alcohol as a way to cope with anxiety - I drank way too much, and I even ended up in alcohol abuse counseling for a bit when I was in my twenties. I was mess, and I caused my parents and my sister plenty of grief over it. I started drinking at 18 when I was in college, but just to have fun - I would have a few, and that was enough. But, of course, with my drinking, and my crappy eating, I started adding on the pounds. Plus, I hated college - the academic part of it anyway. I was at a really low point in my life, and I felt like a failure, which caused my already low self-esteem to plummet to uncharted territories. I hated the way I felt, and I hated the way I looked, so whenever I drank, which was, at least, four times a week, I drank to get drunk - really, really drunk, and I was an idiot of a drunk (is there any other kind, really?). It was a long six or seven years, but by my late twenties, I started isolating myself, and I, rarely, went out socially, so my drinking wasn't really an issue anymore because I didn't need it to get me through uncomfortable situations.

Anyway, when my husband asked me to go to this bowling thing I did not want to go, but I have spent years sending my him off alone to these things, and I just couldn't do it to him again. So, I agreed to go, but I was very nervous about it. I am not good with new people; I'm not a very social person, and I'm still self-conscious about alot of things. On the whole drive there I thought - It will be okay. I will start off quick with some drinks to get me relaxed, and then I will be fine. We walked into the bowling alley, and, oh my gosh, I, immediately, started sweating, as soon as I saw all the people - that's what happens when I get nervous, I sweat! I mean, really?! As if the turmoil going on in my head is not enough to have to deal with! So, anyway, my husband asked me what I would like to drink, and I said, "Water.", and he looks at me like I'm crazy, and he asked, "Really?", and I said, "Yes, really, just a water. I can do this." - and I did! I drank only water the whole night, and I was fine. Of course, I will still nervous to be out in a social situation with a bunch of people I didn't know, and, yes, I was, totally, out of my comfort zone, but I was able to get through it with 100% mental clarity! I didn't need any help from alcohol, and that feels good.

Don't get me wrong, I still drink alcohol sometimes, but it's a weird thing for me. I'm okay with it if I'm drinking with people I'm comfortable with - I can hang out with my close friends, and there's no anxiety behind the drinking. I don't feel a need to have the alcohol to get through the evening. But if it's a situation like I was in last night - I want to drink for a totally different reason, and it's not a good reason. It's the feeling I get that I need to drink ALOT, so I don't have to be, totally and completely, present, mentally. Does that make sense? Anyway, I fought the urge to drink that way last night, and I'm proud of myself. Plus, not drinking kept me from consuming extra calories I don't need!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Still here, and still struggling a bit, but I am doing better. I can't believe the month of October is almost over...heck, I can't believe this year is almost over! As I mentioned before, I thought I would be further along in my weight loss journey by now, and, of course, I can only blame myself for not doing as well as I had hoped. There are so many reasons I want to lose this weight, and another one came up about a week ago - I'm going to Walt Disney World in 14 weeks! My parents have very, graciously offered to take my family, and my sister's family on this wonderful trip! I will not go on this trip and have to worry about fitting into the airplane seat. I will not go on this trip and have to worry about fitting onto the rides with my girls. I will not go on this trip and feel too uncomfortable to put on a swimsuit to swim with the dolphins. I have 14 weeks to work my butt off, and, no, I can't reach my goal weight by then, BUT I can, and will, lose plenty of weight by then. I've spent the last 14 years living an altered life because of my obesity - missing out on so many things. This trip will be different.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

We went away with friends this weekend, and I didn't allow myself to think about how many calories I was consuming. Well, okay, I thought about it, but I didn't let it stop me from drinking and eating more than I should have, so what does that say about me? I don't know. When I do this it makes me feel like, maybe, I'm, truly, not ready to lose all this weight. If I was, wouldn't I try to, at least, limit how much I eat or drink. You know - have just one or two beers, not seven. And have just one SMALL serving of nachos appetizer, not three BIG servings, followed by a BBQ pork slider. I just can't believe I'm not there yet. I'm still making bad choices, and there's no excuse for it. I still try to justify it by telling myself - well, I'm out with friends, and it's just one weekend, so I get to enjoy myself - which I KNOW is wrong because when I fall off the wagon, even for just one day, I find it very hard to get back on, so why do I allow myself to do it? I do want to lose this weight, but I must not want it enough, and that's just a fact because if I did I would not continue to make bad choices. I'm choosing to stay obese, and I'm not sure why that is - laziness? craziness? I don't know. What I do know is this - only I can change my life. I am the decision-maker, and I have to make the decision, once and for all, to take action, and beat this obesity problem that I have inflicted on myself. If you're still here, thanks for listening to me whine, but I'm done now because whining isn't going to help me lose weight. And neither is being on track for two days or three days, but off track for four or five days, which is what I've been doing the last few months. I suck! Feel free to let me have it - I deserve it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I'm feeling much better today - not 100%, but better. I wasn't going to workout - kept telling myself that I should rest for one more day, but, really, that just translates to....BULLSHIT! So, at 11:30pm I headed down to my treadmill. It took me 14:09 to go 1 mile:
I only ended up doing a 20 min. workout:
So, at least, I did something - not enough, but something.

I've decided not to do another weigh-in until Oct. 31st. I'm going to work my butt off until then, and end the month with a really good loss. More importantly, I hope to be back into a really good routine by then. Let's face it - I'm not making progress, so what am I doing here? I don't want to keep blogging about my failures!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The bad: sick yesterday; still sick today. Nasty cold, and a headache. The good: I have no appetite, so no chance of overeating! :) I am drinking lots of water, and hot tea, so that's good. Hoping to feel better tomorrow, so I'll be ready for some major exercising!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Well, I made it through Sat.! I wore a dress to the masquerade ball, and I even allowed myself to feel a little pretty while I was all dressed up! After the ball we ran home to change clothes, and then we headed to my hometown to hang out with a few friends from high school, and, again, I allowed myself to feel good about the fact that I was about 30 pounds lighter than I was last year when I was there for my 20th high school reunion. I enjoyed an awesome night with old friends! I didn't waste one minute feeling uncomfortable about my weight, and that feels so good because last year I cried before and after the reunion! I'm happy to be in a better place about myself now. No, I'm not even close to my goal weight yet, BUT I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin, which is so important because it allows me to get out there and live my life.

My hubby and I spent the last two days celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary. Yesterday, we spent the day with our girls shopping for Halloween costumes, and visiting a pumpkin farm. Today, hubby and I enjoyed a day alone shopping, and just hanging out. Unfortunately, the only exercise I did over the last few days is dashing through a corn maze! We were lost in that thing for almost a half hour chasing our girls around!

Yea, I was really off track for a few days, so I have alot of work to do this week! Drink water, track food, drink water, exercise daily, drink water, drink water, and drink more water! :)

I'm really behind on blogs, so I'm heading over to check to see how you are all doing!

Friday, October 14, 2011

I really don't like my scale:
A 2 pound gain. I swear, I almost threw the scale in the toilet, but then I would have had to fish it out (ewww!), so I controlled my anger. Anyway, sure, I can make plenty of excuses for gaining:

#1- I drank about a cup of water to take aspirin about 45 min. before I weighed in because I woke up with a major headache, so relieving the pain was the first thing on my mind, not my weigh-in.
#2 - I ate a late dinner last night - a grilled chicken salad (550 calories).
#3 - I quit taking my Metformin (PCOS medicine) about a week and a half ago.
#4 - I've been staying up until about 2:30am, and not getting enough sleep.

I hate making excuses, and do they even justify a gain? I don't know. I was surprised by the gain, and I'm a little frustrated, BUT I'm not going to let the scale rule me. I've been doing great with my exercising, eating, and water, so I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. Moving on.....

Saturday is going to be stressful day for me. I'm going to a masquerade ball that my daughter is singing at, and then after the ball I'm heading to my hometown where I will see some old friends from high school. I should be looking forward to it, but because I'm obese and I care so much about how I look I'm really just, kind, of dreading it. For the masquerade ball, I have to wear a dress - ugg! And seeing people from high school - double ugg! I was thin in high school, so being seen looking so different is hard. They all saw me, for the first time, as an obese person one year ago at my 20 year high school reunion. It was so hard to attend that event, but I did it, and I was proud of myself for going. And now I'm going back a year later.....still obese. Yes, I'm about 30 pounds lighter, but still obese. And I know I'll be judged, again, but I spent way too many years hiding, and not participating in my own life, and I'm not going to do that anymore. Yes, I'll be a little uncomfortable wearing a dress tomorrow, and, yes, I'll be a little uncomfortable seeing people from high school, but I'm going to try to keep my anxiety in check, and do my best to enjoy myself. I mean, really, I just need to get over myself!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Today I did a 30 minute walk on the treadmill:
And I, also, played about 20 min. of Wii Fitness Plus with my hubby and my daughter - the Super Hula Hoop and the Obstacle Course - and, believe me, it was a workout! I was sweating when I got done, and my thighs and calves were burning!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I had another good day of exercise! I started my morning with the 30 DS, and a treadmill workout:
And tonight my parents joined me on an outdoor 40 min. walk/run workout. It was great working out with them!

Such a gross picture of me!!! But that's okay because eventually I'll be able to post not-so-gross pictures of myself, and I'll be able to look back, and see how far I've come!

Monday, October 10, 2011

This is what I looked like after my treadmill walk/run workout tonight:
See the dripping sweat? See how I look like I want to puke?! Totally awful picture of me, but, I swear, I thought I was going to pass out during my workout. I felt like, complete, crap. It was the worst workout ever. It took me forever to finish 3.1 miles!
I wanted to stop after 1 mile. I really, really wanted to stop at mile 2. I really, really, really wanted to stop (and cry) at mile 3, but I didn't because before I went down to do my treadmill workout I read Ben'sblog. And if Ben can finish a FULL marathon with a hip injury, then there is no reason I can't finish a 5k. Ben's amazing! If I was younger....and not happily married....and if he didn't have a girlfriend.....I would, totally, ask Ben to marry me! HA! Seriously, though, he's very inspiring! Check out his blog if you haven't already. Anyway, so my workout didn't feel great, and my time sucked, BUT I'm going to look at the positive - I did the workout at a 2.0 incline, I burned almost 500 calories, and I was moving my body for almost 50 minutes. Plus, I did the 30 DS this morning, so I'm very happy with the exercise I got in today!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

We had a busy, but fun weekend! I'm exhausted, and heading to bed, in a minute. I didn't get any exercise in yesterday or today, but I kept my food in check, so, at least, there's that. I'm looking forward to this coming week because I'm going to kick butt on exercising, I'm going to track every single thing I put in my mouth, and I'm going to drink a ton of water, which will, hopefully, lead to a great weigh-in on Friday!

Click on the youtube link to check out my daughter singing at a local scarecrow fest this weekend - she had so much fun!!

Friday, October 7, 2011

I started off my day with a nice, big breakfast:
Half a bagel, one egg, 3 slices of turkey bacon, peaches, and a one cup of skim milk - 366 calories. After breakfast, I helped the girls with their schoolwork, and when I'm done with my blog post I'm getting on the treadmill, and then doing the 30 DS. After my workouts, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day with my girls, and I'm not going to give my half pound gain another thought!!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

There's a man that lives a few doors down from me, and, I swear, he spends half of his day on his front porch smoking. Almost, every time I drive by his house he's standing out there having a smoke, and when I saw him today I wondered if he was thinking - With every puff I take I'm, slowly, killing myself! Well, duh, of course, he's not! And I wasn't either every time I took a bite of a Big Mac, or piece of cake, or a fry, or whatever! Of course, I always knew my bad eating habits may kill me one day, but when I was in the moment of eating, horribly, I was only thinking about how soothing the food was. Like smoker guy, my warped mind allowed me to enjoy my bad habit (and it still does sometimes). Anyway, I was a little ashamed of myself for judging smoker guy today - I won't be judging him, or anyone else, anymore.

I didn't exercise yesterday, and I have no excuse for not doing it, so go ahead and throw that bucket of poo at me!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

My period showed up today (two days early - not fair!), and I had some nasty cramps, so working out was the last thing I wanted to do, BUT I did it! I put it off until the end of the day, but I did do it. My mom joined me for the 5k training tonight - we were out walking and running for 41 minutes, and I estimate we did a little over 2.5 miles. After I got home I did my 30 minutes on the treadmill, going 1.8 miles. When I finished on the treadmill it was after 10pm, and I did not want to do the 30 DS, at all, BUT I did it. It took all I had to get through it!! So, I'm very happy with all the exercise I got in today!!

It feels good to be exercising again! I've been feeling like real crap about myself the last couple months, and reverting back to my anti-social ways. I haven't had much free time to spend with friends, but even if I did I wouldn't have wanted to. And I haven't been in the mood, lately, to be all that intimate with my hubby, (sorry, too much information!). It's not like losing 30 pounds changed my body all that much, but I was working hard towards getting healthy, and I was feeling good about myself, so I started enjoying being with friends more, and I was much more comfortable during intimate moments with my hubby, but when I started slacking off my confidence went to crap again. So, I'm looking forward to really getting back on track, and, hopefully, getting some of that confidence back.

Monday, October 3, 2011

I've set some tough goals for October, but, I think, it's what I need to do to get back on track. Big goals, big results! I have alot of exercising planned for each day, but it's, totally, doable. I have plenty of free time to spend on exercising. I mean, truly, there is no reason I can't get my exercise in every single day! I'm at a stay at home mama, and I homeschool my girls, so, yes, I have a family and a home to take care of, and I have to educate my daughters, and take them to their extracurricular activities, BUT there is still time in my days to get, at least, an hour and half of exercise in, with no problem. I'm very lucky to have the schedule I have, and I need to take advantage of it. So, if you ever hear me saying that I didn't exercise because I didn't have time don't hesitate to throw a big ol' bucket of BULLSHIT at me!!

I'm going to start posting my daily exercise again. I think, it held me accountable before, so I need to get back to doing it.