Never Leave Your Laptop Open Around Your Fraternity Brothers, USA Today Forgets Most Important Social Media Security Tip

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USA Today College, always the source for helpful tips and interesting news for college students, compiled a short list of tips on how college kids can keep their social media accounts secure from spammers and general mischievous compromise.

That’s all well and good, and the list is a noble effort, albeit one that ends up being quite obvious. For example, “1. If you see a suspicious-looking link, don’t click on it!” I’m already aware that I shouldn’t be clicking on the link in my DM box that is accompanied with the message, “people are saying bad things about you on this site.” I can type http://TotalFratMove.com into my browser all by myself, thank you very much. And even if the link didn’t lead to TFM, what’s the point of clicking it? It’s not like there are people saying worse things about me on other sites. Nothing is going to top, “Bacon if I had a time machine I’d kidnap your mom, give her an abortion while you’re in utero, and then drop her off at Auschwitz, just to be sure I never had to read one of your dogshit columns.”

Regardless, here is USA Today’s four point list:

1. If you see a suspicious-looking link, don’t click on it!
2. Have strong, different passwords for all accounts.
3. Regularly check apps and add-ons.
4. Let others know if their account has been compromised.

Like I said, good, but obvious advice. Unfortunately, USA Today forgot to list the most important pointer of all. It’s so obvious, and if ignored, potentially destructive on numerous levels. This advice, which really should have been number one on the the list, is simple:

Forget accidentally spamming someone a link to knock off purses that their account will auto-forward like a chain mail letter about Nicole Simpson’s ghost in the early 90s. Leaving your social media exposed to your fraternity brothers is about as dangerous as it gets. Off the top of my head, these are the things I’ve seen done to vulnerable Facebook accounts left open at my own fraternity house.

– Liking and commenting on every single one of a guy’s sister’s pictures, with special emphasis on beach pictures.
– RSVP-ing to a heinously ugly and annoyingly persistent girl’s requests to go to formal.*
– Asking wildly unattractive girls out on dates via message.*
– Gay porn links as statuses. So, so many gay porn links as statuses.
– Inviting their entire friends list to newly invented fetish groups such as, “Out of the (Shoe) Closet: I Like Feet And I’m Proud.”
– Posting awkward things on ex-girlfriends’ walls.
– Sending ex-girlfriends awkward messages.
– Posting statuses admitting to having committed local unsolved crimes
– Sending a RIDICULOUSLY perverted, out of context message to a random person, who would presumably believe that it was occurring mid conversation, and then sending a message moments later saying something along the lines of “Sorry, wrong Kristin.”
– Changing the profile picture to any number of disturbing images of either a dark or sexual (or darkly sexual) nature.

*Ed. Note: Those ended BADLY

Honestly, that’s off the top of my head. And that’s just what happened to Facebook accounts. That’s not even mentioning all the disgusting wallpapers that get put up on laptops, and the questionable internet history that goes along with it. Once, while searching my laptop’s internet history after one such security breach, I found in the Google search cache, “Spider eating a penis.” Thank God the searcher didn’t find any results worth making my laptop wallpaper or my Facebook profile picture. I never found out who searched that on my computer, and truthfully, part of me never wanted to.

Rob Fox (née Bacon) is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

I had two brothers who kept getting on my facebook and kept sending relationship requests, messages saying how I still had feelings for her, and tagging her in comments. Biggest assholes ever, but I still love those bastards.