Taking one look at the impending economic chaos that this federal government shutdown could in all likelihood cause, I thought I should write something about it — only I'd already written something pretty much about the same thing nearly four years ago. Being lazy and nostalgic all at the same time — plus sitting here and nursing a knee that I truly need to get checked out — I have decided to go with the thought that "everything old is new again" and run said column as a sort of syndicated rerun.

Gee, I hope I get paid residuals for this!

Feb. 5, 2009

Psst . . . There's a Financial Crisis Going on. No, Really!

In case nobody has mentioned it to you, it turns out that we are in the midst of a financial crisis. At least, that's what I'm being told again and again — whether from television, radio, television, internet, television, telegraph, television, smoke signals, television, homing pigeons, television, pony express, television, town gossip or even the occasional newspaper story that I heard about on the television — so it must be true.

All kidding aside, times are indeed getting tough and money seems harder to come by these days than it has ever been. Why just the other day I saw some hooligan (not me) attempting to swipe some money from my wife's purse (again, not me) as we were eating lunch, so you know that people (people, I'd like to reemphasize, who were not me) are beginning to feel the crunch even in a small and relatively safe community such as ours (okay it was me, but it all turned out okay as she simply smacked me silly and ended the situation before it ever came to anything).

Of course, being a caring and concerned man my thoughts are not only for my family's financial situation and health, but also extend out to my chosen industry and how it will affect the newspaper business itself (especially the part of the newspaper business that is equally as concerned about my financial situation and health as I am, specifically.)

In fact, this has been taking up a large part of my time (usually the time from nine to five, Monday through Friday, coincidently), and I think I have come up with some ideas that might be worth passing along in an effort to help make us a more financially stable and profitable business.

RECYCLING STORIES: Living in a community as rural and tranquil as Stuttgart might tend to limit the amount of unique and fast-breaking news stories that are liable to come up on any given day. If it isn't a story about a duck, duck hunter, rice, rice farmer, rice farmer who has a duck, duck who took up rice farming or a hunter who accidentally shot a rice farmer while aiming for a duck (kudos to the secret service for their usual quick response, by the way) then it's a rare and spectacular news day indeed. Which is why, of course, that I am proposing we create one stock story about a rice farmer who has a duck that knew a duck hunter who once taught another duck to rice farm all while talking on his cell phone with another duck hunter whose posse of secret service startled him into mistakenly shooting at him (the rice farmer who had the duck that knew the duck hunter) instead of the duck that had been sunbathing in a rice field for an afternoon. Once we have that written we could just drop that over and over into our pages on any given day and save huge amounts of time and money that would otherwise be spent reporting other stories that didn't involve a duck.

Page 2 of 3 - Sure it's a variation of what the national media has been doing over the past seven years or so about the fighting that's gone on in the Middle East (Newsflash on CNN tonight: There's a new outbreak of fighting in the Middle East!), but it's one that could easily work here on the Grand Prairie, right? Right!

PRODUCT PLACEMENT: Everyone knows the key to raising money in this financial crisis is to give people the opportunity to give you some of their money so that you can add it to yours (simple concepts are often the truest concepts). It is with this in mind that I propose we start following the lead of major motion picture studios and begin inserting product placements into our stories (or story, if my first idea comes to pass). Just think of the possibilities! "We are seriously considering placing a ban on allowing ducks to have access to farm equipment and be allowed to start their own farm as they are way too small and typically have trouble seeing out the front window of the average tractor," says Marianne Maynard, Stuttgart City Mayor, as she slowly sips a bottle of refreshing, ice cold Coca Cola purchased from Coker Hampton."

As a matter of fact, I've got a fairly sizable headache at the moment, so I'm going to pause for a moment to take some Ibuprofen purchased a week or so again from Buerkle Drug (or was it Walmart? That's a hint, Walmart!) and wash it down with this smooth and delicious glass of sweet tea purchased from Mayflower. Mmmm. This tea is delicious and makes me wish we were done with this financial crisis so that I might go purchase more and more of it.

Wait. Where was I? Oh yes; these two ideas are just two of the many that have been rolling around in my head but I think there should be no doubt that much money could be saved simply by implementing them. All it took to help achieve a small increase in my own family's financial security was one idea (my wife taking away my credit card after the purse incident, specifically), so if one can help me then obviously two can help the paper twice as much.

In no way should any of my bosses consider themselves so intimidated by the brilliance of my financial ideas that they hesitate even slightly to offer me a promotion and/or raise once they begin to be used. In fact, I heartily suggest you do so now before you implement them . . . or even implement them.

After having come to the end of the space I've been allowed this week, well, all I can say is that I hope that you've at least been able to laugh a little bit at what I've written. As each day goes by and as more signs keep pointing to the fact that we are all going to be feeling a financial pinch for the foreseeable future, the lyric from Mary Poppins keeps reminding me that medicine always goes down smoother with a bit of sugar. This of course leads me to my third idea for cutting costs at the paper.