Feb 27, 2015

Teeth — HA! Here on Planet Zoltox, we do not process sustenance through our mouths. Feel free to let your useless dental instruments rot and fall out of your face. You'll see life here is much easier without them.

-Flarb

Dear Flarb,

Will I ever see my family again?

———

No.

-Flarb

Dear Flarb,

I have an advanced degree in engineering but I'm having trouble finding a job. What do you suggest?

———

I suggest reporting to the Ministry of Human Labor immediately for your assignment. There must've been some sort of administrative error — you do not need to "find" a job. There is a job that is yours, and the only thing you must "find" is yourself dutifully accepting your permanent post! Best of luck.

-Flarb

Dear Flarb,

Where, in time and space, are we?

———

Ah, I get this question all the time. We are currently in the Nth dimension approximately 800 billion "light years" (to put it in familiar terms) from the planet you know as Earth. But as I'm sure you can sense, our position both physically and elementally is in a constant state of flux. It is a stupid question, really.

-Flarb

Have a question for Flarb? Just think it! You may see yours in next week's column.

Feb 17, 2015

Feb 12, 2015

according to the chinese zodiac, i'm a rooster. but i've never really felt like a rooster -- they make great lawyers and maintain immaculately clean houses. LOL. i was just wondering where i could buy plates at this time of night so i wouldn't have to wash the entire set resting in my sink.

but then i realized why i don't feel like a rooster: i'm not chinese! what i need is an american zodiac system to tell me exactly who i am. so i made one. mine only has 10 years instead of 12 for simpler math.

New American Zodiac

1980 - newborn baby kitten: represents just how cute and cuddly you are! you may have trouble seeing things at first.

1981 (me!) - pink fairy armadillo: people laugh at you -- you're so funny! -- but many forget you are actually very sensitive under that tough (yet beautiful) pink shell of yours.

1982 - wombat: you like to dig holes and spend your time in them. you do not gather soil in your backwards-facing pouch, figuratively speaking.

1989 - axolotl: your youthful appearance and ability to regrow almost all your body parts makes you a real catch! haha get it? because you live in the water.

well i hope you're happy with your new american zodiac sign. i worked on this for about an hour so it's pretty legit.

note: i am aware there is a native american "zodiac" or totem animals -- this list is not meant to disregard or replace that. in fact, today i found out in some native american cultures, i'm a red fox!

"You incorporate a sense of play into the tribal community that is vital. Without your levity and high energy your clansmen would be left deflated. You bolster those around you by encouraging laughter, teamwork and a sense of camaraderie. You can be fickle and flighty in your intellectual pursuits which often leads you back to playful tricks and antics. You are endearing and lovable, but to a point."