I think calling guys creepy is the female version of dudes calling girls “crazy.” Everyone knows that when a guy talks about his “crazy ex girlfriend” what is he is really saying is that he lost interest/fucked her sister and then got mad when he had to deal with the consequences of his actions. Girls who call guys creepy are girls who solicit attention they have no intention of returning so that they can complain about it and feel better about themselves.

As a woman it is very easy for things to shift suddenly into an unsafe territory. Feeling scared is, unfortunately, an appropriate reaction to situations that happen in everyday dating (or otherwise) life. But I want us to start making a differentiation between a man doing a creepy thing, and us feeling creeped out by it.

I think I really offended this guy by asking where the “least rape-y” area of his lake house was that I could sleep when my girlfriend and I crashed there after a party. In my defense his friend had fondled me at least three times that night while i awkwardly laughed and pushed him off (who does that?) but I immediately felt bad because that’s a really disrespectful thing to imply about a guy and all his closest friends.

What was wrong about that situation is that that dude’s friend was awful and we all laughed it off because he was drunk but it was gross and was a situation in which I was appropriately concerned about what could happen later on if there were less people around to make a joke out of it. How do you express that feeling in the middle of a party? If I told someone I felt creeped out, I feel like I would have said something meaningless to them because it’s used in such a misappropriated, banal way. A guy can do something that is sweet if you are interested in him and “stalker” behavior if you aren’t. It might be an honest mistake, or it might be someone who won’t take no for an answer but it doesn’t convey feeling unsafe, really.

As much as it is a part of my culture, I don’t want to think about dudes as inherently creepy. Think about the meme blog OKC Enemies. There are legitimately creepy guys on it, sure, but there are also a lot of guys who are labeled “creepy” just because they happen to be really unattractive. That’s gross. I’d like my intuition to perk up when it’s supposed to, not just because someone I’m not interested in is talking to me. There’s an expression you should use when discussing the later: “we should all be so lucky.” That’s miles away from creepy..

His usual argument is that adult non-human animals deserve more moral consideration than a newborn human baby because the adult is self-aware whereas the newborn is not and human vs. non-human does not deserve special consideration – sentience does.

So, I understand that piercing a babie’s ear is inflicting pain when the baby really doesn’t care at all about having pierced ears. But, I think its really cute and what if your baby girl looks like a boy? Or what if you wanna have your baby boy look like a lil pimp? I mean, it’s a pretty small amount of pain and if it really is a baby its not even self aware, the crying is a reaction to the pain but it won’t even register what “pain” is.

You probably like your siblings’ children on principle because they are your blood, and because they are cute and exciting and they don’t come home with you and you’re probably not obligated to touch their poop or deal with them after nine p.m. However, at some point the novelty will wear off and the constant screeching and whining and accepted tolerance for snot will get to you and you will find yourself thinking idle thoughts that, if acted on, could land you on an episode of 48 Hours. And other people’s children, jeez, don’t even get me started. Here are some philosophical methods for how to deal.

Talk to them like adults. Your angst will be magnified when you catch yourself addressing a child in the same voice you might talk to a puppy. Talk to children like adults and you’ll at least preserve your dignity, plus there’s a pretty large chance they won’t have any idea what you are talking about anyway.

Ask them Sesame Street versions of philosophical paradoxes. “So one grain of sand isn’t a pile… and two isn’t a pile… but one billion is! Why is that?” They won’t come up with anything groundbreaking, but hell, no one else has, and if you’re lucky enough and equipped with an iPhone they might say something stupid enough to get you a few hundred-thousand views on YouTube.

Give them things their parents won’t let them have because it will make them like you and therefore they will be easier to deal with. A couple of weeks ago I attended a hippie thirty-something barbeque (I know, first mistake) where the ‘cheeseburgers’ were vegan and every side dish came from a garden or co-op and people at my table were having an earnest discussion about the rationale of naming one’s recently-rescued cat after Wendell Berry. I brought Cheetos because I didn’t realize I was about to enter the modern version of the Manson Family, and at some point a forlorn eight-year-old (wearing something that could only be described as ‘thrifted burlap,’ natch) sauntered up to me and asked, “What are those?” An evil smile crossed my face as I dumped a pile onto his plate and thought to myself, “You’ll never be the same!” Do things like that.

Lie to them. Because it’s funny and harmless. Before you accuse me of being the opposite of philosophical, may I remind you that many philosophers justify not telling the truth if it will have a good outcome. And trust me, this outcome will be hilarious. Example: once when forced to deal with the other Lolz Doll’s notoriously unruly nephew (who had five minutes earlier kicked my Mike’s Hard Lemonade down the stairs, unforgivable) we told him there was a T-Rex locked in the basement whose hobby was feeding on five-year-olds, but that’d we’d struck a deal to keep him at bay so long as Danny behaved himself. It worked like a dream.

I guess the Pop Serial rager was kind of successful because we are driving back to Minnesota and at least 50% of the people in this car have puked so far this morning leading to a lengthy lunch conversation about the pros and cons of barfing:

Pro:

you totally feel better immediately after

you’ll spend less total time being hungover

gets rid of calories

people feel sorry for you

cooler than pooping in public

if you are barfing up something sweet it might taste good

feeling of accomplishment

cool bathroom floor feels good against your achey body

Cons:

tastes gross

have to see things that used to be inside you

condescending stares of the other people in the public subway bathroom

Yes, you can have a goodnight kiss. Not everyone wants you only for what you can offer sexually. Not everyone will only behave intimately towards you when you are five minutes from having sex. Someone very soon will care about you in a way that is distinct from their own needs and will want to show you that when they are given the chance. You will feel loved and happy and your desire for this is not irrational.

You can have a romance on your own terms. Maybe this means you want to spend more time sleeping in your own bed or less time having unfulfilling anal sex. Maybe you’d like to go out in public more often or maybe you’d like to go camping or talk about poetry or not watch a sports game. You can have that. Someone will be interested in what you care about just because they care about and are interested in you.

Your relationship can be recognized. Someone will fall in love with you who lets his friends and family know. Who introduces you to them and wants them to like you because they like you. Who won’t call you “my friend” in public and who will write on your Facebook wall and who will pose for pictures with you without cringing or making excuses.

You can communicate without fighting. One of the most important lessons a person can and (hopefully) will learn after their first relationship is that drama doesn’t equal intimacy. Just because you are having frequent, vulnerable, complicated conversations it doesn’t mean your relationship is deep or meaningful. It means you’re both insecure and hurt and it’s damaged beyond repair, probably. You will find someone who likes to talk to you because they think you are funny and interesting and they want your perspective, not to punish or check up on you.

You can feel happy and excited when you are communicated with. On a related note, you need to know that you can get to a place where you feel elated and not anxious when someone communicates with you. Your phone will buzz and you will feel affectionate and not sick to your stomach.

You can expect someone to care about you as an equal. This involves all levels of reciprocity in a relationship, not the least of which regards your sexual needs. You deserve to be able to clearly communicate what you want and you deserve to have those wants understood and appreciated. You are not a possession or a servant.

You can stop lying to your friends. You will feel infinitely better when you can stop telling your friends that this person and/or your relationship with them is perfect, happy, healthy, normal, etc. Someday you will find a person whose actions speak for themselves and you won’t have to bullshit anybody.

Tonight is the third episode of the new series of the Real World. Seems like this season can’t be differentiated from any other season in the last 10 cycles except maybe there are no gay people on this one…. yet!

Anyway, this applies to any season across the board:

Drink every time a very attractive but also extremely impolite girl comments how she’s “not like other girls” or “is more like one of the guys” as an explanation or why she has no friends.

Drink every time someone says “I’m not here to make friends.”

Drink every time someone says that another person is “fake”.

Drink every time a cast member accuses another cast member of being there “for the wrong reasons.”

Drink twice every time a cast member accuses another cast member of not recognizing that they are on the Real World to “grow as a person.”

Drink every time a cast member has an unreciprocated or I-will-give-you-oral-sex-for-nothing-else-in-return relationship with another cast member.

Drink every time any demographic minority says “I hate how people like me are presented in a certain light” right before they publicly present themselves in that certain light.

Drink every time someone astronomically more attractive than the person on the cast pays attention to said cast member for the sake of camera exposure.

Take a shot for every pregnancy scare, STD scare, dead or dying family member, hometown breakup, and ‘shocking secret’ that is alluded to in one episode but turns out not to be a big deal in the next.

You go out looking like shit because your friends weren’t actually going to tell you that you look like an old whore, were they?

Even if they did, no outfit change because you brought your whole life in a bag. If you forgot underwear or hairspray you’re pretty much screwed.

All your friend has is UV Cake vodka and you puked that last weekend.

You get to feel like you’re college again. Except this time you’ve resolved yourself to giving up anal sex, you had to tuck in your extra ten pounds, and you make up for your brand new wrinkles by putting on more eye makeup (see: old whore).

ENFJ
how to make every person happy
how to tell if someone likes me
how to host a party without making anyone mad
correct spellings of words to make sure people think you’re smart and interesting (ex: ‘colloquially’)
the name of everyone you’ve just met to make sure you can approximate a meaningful relationship with them the next time you see them

ENFP
how to start a fortune 500 company
how to start a non profit
how to run a marathon
how to become an astronaut
how to brew your own beer
LSD
tantric sex with your lover
should I become gay
eat pray love travel tour with friends and bright colors
warehouse parties
rave drugs
should I sell all my stuff and drink my way across Europe?
am I an alcoholic

ENTJtime management techniques
aerospace engineering
how to be a woman without emotion
moderate political viewpoints
Catholic dating sites
how to run a successful political campaign
love is a foreign language
world travel, by yourself

ESFJ
home decorating
hosting a party
Martha Stewart
ESPN
People.com
crafting tips and techniques
how to have sex when you’re not into it

ESFP
sportz!
shiny objects
how to get more attention
dance moves that will get me more attention
how to have more fun
what to do when my free Flickr account maxes out
college majors for people who are artistic but not good at school/art
why doesn’t anyone use MySpace anymore

ESTP
how to get out of my lease
STD symptoms
how to apologize to a friend after leaving them on a dancefloor
how to convince someone an open relationship is the best model
Grindr

ESTJ
how to confront people for being 10 minutes late to your dinner party
how to buy a townhouse and then sell it for profit five minutes later
official board game rules
finishing your basement without hiring someone
ideal cabinet hardwoods
local sports team’s stats

1. My lil doggy.
2. Anyone else’s dog if it looks like mine.
3. My parents.
4. Professional Athletes.
5. The Minnesota Wild.
6. All the characters from the original 90210.
7. The color and length of my hair.
8. The number on the scale.
9. Civic Duty.
10. Your manners.
11. Winning, regardless of the competition.
12. Girl Code.
13. Happiness.
14. Optimism.
15. New York Magazine.
16. Radio Stations.
17. A belief that you have a moral obligation not to be a huge dumbass waste of space.
18. My roommate.
19. The health and happiness of every single contact in my phone.
20. Northern Minnesota.
21. Alone time.
22. Britney Spears.
23. Online magazines.
24. Alt Lit sweethearts.
25. The importance of your perspective.
26. Feminist philosophy.
27. Hillary Clinton.
28. Your stressors.
29. Poetry.
30. The film Legally Blonde.
31. The people my close friends date.
32. My job.
33. That there aren’t enough things you can share or conversations you can have.
34. Print magazines.
35. My iPhone battery life.
36. My TV dad, Ron Schara (and more specifically Raven Schara).
37. Putting your cell phone down when you get IRL with people.
38. Integrity.
39. The proliferation of danceable music + dance bars.
40. That you know how to make and serve a decent salad.
41. Self depreciation.
42. Vulnerability.
43. Whether you like Bruce Springsteen.
44. Fun.
45. Being treated with respect.
46. The healing benefits of car dancing.
47. Anything that feels cathartic.
48. That people who say “that’s just the way it is” need to be dumped out of your life immediately.
49. My best friend’s stupid cat that keeps trying to kill itself.
50. All you dumbies.