Guilt, growth and a guy

Guilt. It’s a tough emotion. It creeps up on you from the darkness of your own soul and before you know it, it shadows your every move, consumes your thoughts and detracts from the beauty in your life, weighs down that which once was sacred and pure with that which is hard to swallow.

I have not been doing too great. Those of you that know me understand how this has affected my life and I have tried to be honest with you despite my reservations of allowing my own pain to affect the lives of others. Those of you who don’t know me, I guess it doesn’t really matter what I have been going through, only what it has made me realise in life and within myself.

I have to concede two things today. One, my statement that I don’t do complicated is a half-truth. It’s true that I don’t do complicated, but the other side of the coin is that I have been quite complex lately. This has made me overly sensitive and critical, and to some extent I have been hasty to jump to my own conclusions that suit my sullen self-destructive self right now, when the truth is that I really don’t have any right to do so – now or any other time.

I’ve made a conscious decision to remedy this by quite literally doing nothing. I’m taking a step back and letting things unfold for a while without any pre-conceived notions. If I don’t want to do complicated, the simple solution is to not be complicated. To not be complicated, I need to relax more, question less and accept that people are who they are and that their intentions are as they put them. I cannot change who people are, nor should I want to, because everyone that is in my life or around me is there because of their own uniqueness. The darker side of it is that people are who they are and their intentions are as they put them, and those intentions are not necessarily good or doing right by me. I have to learn to say that it’s not ok and that i wont accept it. And then walk away.

Two, I have to concede that I like a guy. One guy. I can see you scratching your head and wondering what the hell this has to do with the price of apples or eggs or life… But you see, me saying that is important. It is not important because I’m hoping he reads this and figures it out – Spoiler alert: he already knows. It doesn’t even matter if he likes me back – it’s not my place to figure that one out. Of course, if I were that lucky, I’d try my very best to make him happy and proud, but this is what woman sometimes miss – the point is not that you stay single and defiant of your emotions, the point is that you are courageous enough to make the decision to like a guy that is worth it, regardless of the outcome. Sure, it’s easier to allow the guy you think is ok to flatter you and to not dare to be brave, but the truth is, I’d rather like one guy that’s worth my time than like a lot of guys that aren’t.

I guess I didn’t have to say it out loud, but the fact of the matter is that if I don’t, the resulting effect that ripples through my life is not pretty and it is not the truth. Moreover, it does me no good. I don’t need him to like me. I do however need to step up and stop it. Stop being afraid and hiding in lies that feel great but sound awful. Growth comes slowly but surely, but in order for that to happen, you have to plant a seed first. And just because that sounds corny doesn’t make it any less true. I’ve always believed that to change the outcome, you must change your actions. I guess that’s what I want in my life right now – a different outcome. I may stumble and I will still fall a lot, but at least I’m out there trying…