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Kelly: Dull World Cup? Must be those darned horns

This morning at the Soccer City stadium, they gave up any pretense of a security cordon and abandoned their metal detectors altogether.

A mushrooming dispute between security contractors over wages enveloped this facility as well, meaning that police took over the door-minding duties. Few doors were actually minded, but the McCafe just inside the door was doing brisker business than usual.

Based on that performance, maybe South Africa doesn’t really have a crime problem. Maybe it has a lollygagging problem.

Or maybe the dedicated cops were out canvassing the countryside for goals.

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Between naps in front of the TV, you may have noticed that there isn’t much to notice at the World Cup yet. Yes, we’ve noticed that, too.

The only people who seem really worked up are the North Korean fans, and they’re paid Chinese actors impersonating North Koreans. Minus the starvation-related jaundice.

It came to me as I sat through Netherlands’ dour effort against Denmark, with a corpulent, soap-dodging Finn spilling into my lap as he searched again — and again — and again — for something that wasn’t in this pocket or that pocket . . . it came to me that I was owed some excitement.

Then the wave worked its way around to our end of the stadium. The Finn giddily rose from his seat, jiggling and releasing enchanting new smells, and I thought, ‘A little less excitement, please.’

Goals and open play have been hard to come by, though the tap seemed to open slightly on Thursday.

The other, largely unwashed philosophers of the game are probing their notes looking for a cause of the thrills crisis. It’s been the logical equivalent of flapping your hands and hoping you fly.

Suspect one: Fitness

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Unlike their hard-drinking, chain-smoking predecessors, this generation of footballers has selfishly committed itself to jogging. Ipso, they never get tired. Facto, they don’t lie down in the last 10 minutes in front of the goal for a spread-eagle breather, allowing the other team to score.

This is a little like blaming our lack of recent moon landings on the fact that scientists are now too smart.

The most exciting thing that’s happened so far is Robert Green’s life-destroying error in the English net. If Green spent less time in the gym, and more time holding babies and handling easily bruised fruit, where would we be?

Asleep.

Suspect two: Tactics

Teams are thinking too hard instead of using their superhuman endurance powers to run endlessly in frantic circles. It’s almost as if they don’t want to lose!

“They did not even go past their halfway line,” Italian manager Marcello Lippi grumbled about Paraguay. Then he said, “All right, who put the mirror here?”

Suspect three: The vuvuzelas

Yes, of course, those wretched horns. They also killed Kennedy.

Suspect four: The ball

Actually, I know a guy who knows a guy. It wasn’t the horns. It was the ball that killed Kennedy and then framed the horns.

“It is the worst ball I’ve ever seen,” said England manager Fabio Capello. Then the ball promised to try harder, and Capello decided he’d stick with it for one more game.

Suspect four: The altitude

Who knew that altitude was the most important factor in all our lives? It makes balls go up and down. It affects your reflexes. It makes you tired. It lives in your basement and refuses to pay rent.

“Boss, can’t make it work today.”

“Be honest, you’re skipping out to watch the game.”

“What?! No!! It’s the altitude.”

“The altitude.”

“I have blood bubbles.”

“We live at sea level.”

“I added a floor to my house.”

Suspect five: The talent level

Hurry! Hurry! Everyone pile on New Zealand.

There is a beautiful moment at the beginning of any scrum for wait-list media tickets when all the Bolivians, Croatians and Egyptians grit their teeth while the New Zealanders, who represent a participant here, get first pick.

That sort of bitterness will always find its way into print.

Suspect five: The Germans

No, it doesn’t make any sense. But they’re Germans. They get blamed for everything.

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