Wednesday, August 26, 2015

What Is Wrong With Me????

My husband made his flight just fine this morning, no glitches of any kind and is now safely at his campsite in the Rockies with his friends. The weather is perfect there and here, apart from a bit of haze from the Washington State forest fires that has drifted into our western provinces. It is comfortably warm and very little wind to deal with. As long as there are no bears bothering the campers all should be well for the next few days.

My quarterly lab work went fine this morning. I remembered to drink some water and do some exercises before I went so that my veins would be easier to find and it worked just great.

I reneged on my afternoon at the pool because of a badly infected spider bite, but I got some help with that and it will be fine in a few days. Instead I ended up on the phone for a good old "chin wag" (thank you granny Lawson for that horrible expression I have never been able to forget...sigh...) with a dear friend that I would have missed out on if I had been in the pool.

So, overall the day was good, but I have found that my "first day" response to my husband's travel based absences is falling into a pattern of sloth and too many naps on the couch.

I've mentioned before in this blog that lately, instead of my old pattern of leaping into the housework the second the door closes on my husband and then enjoying the fruits of my labours the whole time he is gone, I can't dredge up the energy to do much more than throw a small meal together and wash the dishes afterward. Napping seems to have taken over at least some of that work time on the first days that he is gone. Today, it happened again.

Dealing with the spider bite and talking to my friend only took up about 90 minutes of my afternoon. The rest of the time I was sitting on the sofa dozing through some inane tv programmes, barely taking time to prepare a decent lunch or dinner for myself, thrilled that there was so much food in the 'fridge that was all ready cooked. My disappointment about not getting to the pool lasted only as long as it took to fall asleep in an upright position on the living room couch.

I managed to force myself to do MOST of my after dinner exercises this evening, but I really, truly, just want to crawl into bed and sleep...at this incredibly late hour of 8pm!!!

My husband's new job has me very stressed out. I admit to struggling to deal with the effect his job has on my own life. Just looking at his schedule each week is stressful enough, but knowing that by the end of the week a lot of the schedule will have been completely changed to accommodate problem situations and other events that arise spontaneously and need immediate attention, that the changes will either scuttle our plans for his days off, or my intended use for our vehicle, or both, leaves me feeling in a constant state of limbo. I am not sure sometimes what or how to plan for myself or for us together, or exactly how to roll with some of the changes that occur very quickly. I am not sure how much joy or passion I should invest in any personal plans we have made for his days off because the schedule we set up in advance is so rarely how things turn out. I was hoping I would not have to return to my former State of Numb after we moved here, but maybe I will have to for awhile until I adjust.

In other words, he has a stressful job that he is handling amazingly well, but I am the one who can't relax.

I need to get a grip.

I need to turn on my problem solving abilities once again. I have always been so good at it, but I think subconsciously, I had it in the back of my mind that life would be a bit more stable here than it has been in the past. There was a lot of stability in our last parish and that was a very positive aspect of that place and that job. In some ways it is here and I appreciate those things, but I need to get back into making every Plan A with an alternate Plan B and Plan C for those shocking upsets in scheduling that can occur. It has been a few years now since I have been in this situation of not being able to count on any plans from one day to the next.

So, starting next week when my husband returns to work, I have to give up any attempts to let life continue to slide into chaos based on unrealistic hopes and expectations. I need to get over the incredible stresses, both good and bad, that have come with this change of job and finding myself once again in a rental accommodation and get back to utilizing the gifts I have for dealing with the unexpected.

Not for me the life of stability...surely I should have that figured out by now!