Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Anyone who has had kids or been around one very long knows that kids can say the funniest, the most embarrassing and sometimes even the most thought-provoking things. Well, through the years, I’ve written up some of my kids’ “funny things.” Some of them I’ve actually sold to magazines, others I’ve written up to embarrass them. Hey…paybacks can be hell! Enjoy.

Same Thing, Different Word

While having dinner with my new neighbors, my four-year-old son piped up and announced that he had "pooted." Thoroughly embarrassed, I leaned over and whispered that such words were not nice, especially at the dinner table.

He considered it a few minutes and then apologized.

Shortly later he broke into the conversation and announced proudly, "Hey, guys. I just burped in my pants."

Smart, But Not That Smart

Nina, my three-year-old daughter, began learning her letters at a very remarkable age. I must admit to feeling proud when we went to the county fair and stood in front of the soda booth and she started pointing to the Pepsi emblem and naming off the letters. "That's remarkable," a lady replied. "Do you know how to read, too?"

Nina's answer came quick, "Yes." I was too filled with pride to rebuke her claim.

"What does that say?" the lady asked, pointing back to the Pepsi emblem.

Nina smiled and answered with remarkable confidence, "It says, Coke."

All Grown Up…Almost

Much to my surprise, my seven-year-old daughter came home from first grade talking about college. "I can't wait. It sounds so exciting. I can choose the subjects I like. So you know I'll make all A's. I can make my own schedule. Go to the bathroom anytime I want. The teachers won’t treat me like a kid."

She sounded more seventeen than seven and I was quite proud of my grown-up little girl. Then her young brow wrinkled in puzzlement. And she turned to me with real concern in her eyes, "But Mama, will we still get to go out and play at recess?"

Handles

One night at dinner, my four-year-old son dropped the last of his pizza on his plate and requested his dessert.

"First you have to finish your dinner," I said.

He glanced down at his pizza crust and innocently replied, "I did. I ate everything but the handle."

He got his dessert.

Color Blindness

One day, my son had a friend, eight-year-old Andrew, over to play. My husband and I were taking the boys out for hamburgers when Andrew announced that last weekend he and his family had taken a trip to New Orleans to attend his aunt’s wedding.

Making casual conversation I turned to him and asked, “Was it your mother’s sister or your dad’s sister?”

Little Andrew’s brow crinkled together in thought and then a little embarrassed he admitted, “I’m not really sure.”

It took a few minutes for my husband and I to realize the beautiful significance of his ignorance. You see, Andrew is a bi-racial child, his father African-American and his mother White. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all could be so color blind?

All Boy

I was driving my six-year-old son to school when he popped out with an unusual question. "Mom, are there more girls in the world than there are boys?"

I turned to glance at him. "Well, as a matter of fact, there are more girls than boys.”

"Then that explains it!" he blurts out as if he'd just found an answer to a long-asked question.”

"Explains what?" I queried."Why everywhere I go, I always notice the girls but I never notice the boys."

Too Much Boy

While having dinner with my husband’s boss and his wife, my three-year-old son decided he wanted to add to the conversation. And in his excited little boy voice, he says, “My dad has a big Pee-Pee. And when I grow up, I’m going to have one, too!”

Once, while getting dressed to take my three-year-old son to Mother’s Day Out, my son came into the room. When I turned around, he was staring at me. “You know mom, I kind 'a like looking at you naked.”

And that was the last time he did, too!

Okay…come on, do some sharing. Let me hear some of your kids, grandkids or nieces and nephew’s funny/thought-provoking sayings. I’ll be giving away a few set of note cards to one chosen blogger.

38 comments:

When I was married, my husband and I had a friend of mine from work over for dinner. We also had my niece. The friend had brought her dogs and we took them to the backyard to see how they would get along with my dogs. Her dogs were female, mine male. So every time her dogs tinkled, one of my dogs had to go "mark" the spot themselves. My niece watching this says "Dobie has a pecker." then she turned to my husband and said, "Do you have a pecker Uncle James?" We tried to explain that that wasn't polite talk so she decided that not only did Uncle James have a pecker, it needed to be sung. At the top of her lungs. All night long.

Those are good stories Christie. I particularly like the "I just burped in my pants." one. Very creative of the little one. :)

When our middle son was about 5 and always hungry, he began eating his green beans with his fingers--a definite no-no in our home. Our oldest son scornfully said, "Stop eating with your fingers! Use your testicles!"(He meant utensils)

In Wal-Mart while shopping for some lacy undergarments my 7 yr old daughter proclaims loudly - "It's not like anyone sees them." Nice.

Same child, now a third grader. A few weeks ago I received a call from her principle saying a boy had exposed himself at school and she was present. She claims she saw nothing but they wanted me to know.

When I picked her up at afterschool care, I asked her if anything interesting happened that day and she said, "No." I pressed and once it was all out I asked why she didn't just tell me when I asked if anything interesting happened. Her answer - "Because I didn't find it all that interesting."

When it was naptime for my 3 year old grandson I would lie down beside him and say I wanted a nap too. I asked him if it would be ok to have his grandpa lie beside us as well. He said that he did not want a partially bald man having a nap with us.

We were at a party with our son and many relatives of different ages. An elderly woman asked my son how old he was and he told the woman. He started to walk off and then turned back and asked the woman how old she was.

When we were driving towards a restaurant in town with the kids, my mom and dad were following us and knew the way. The kids were watching their progress and when they couldn't see them they became worried. I reassured them that they would meet us there and that Grampa was smart. My son said, No he isn't.

I was working on English with my daughter and decided to quiz her on verbs, nouns, etc. and then decided to ask her what an oxymoron was. She looked at me with a serious expression and said, an even bigger moron.

Great stories Christie!! I certainly know where you are coming from. My kids have said plenty in public to mortify me.

Once while we were at a university area restaurant, there was a man sitting at a table just beside ours. Let it just be said that he was extremely hairy. Dreadlocks, a very wild beard. You could barely see his face at all. My son keeps looking at him, and finally says, too loudly, "What IS that?"

After our son was born, I asked my husband to clean up his language. It was pretty bad while driving in big city traffic, lots of 4-letter words. Apparently the results were limited. After a white sedan cut me off in traffic one day, my three-year-old pipes up with "Is that guy an idiot, Mommy?"

My cute nephew who was in kindergarten was staying with us and we were eating lunch together. He said that he had met the woman he would one day marry. SO I asked him how did he know when he was so young. Because she told me she was rich.

What? You think "idiot" was the worst? I was trying to keep your blog clean.

To prevent problems like PJ's, we instituted a rule - our son couldn't use a word without knowing the definition and appropriate usage for the word.

At Easter one year, our five-year-old dropped his just-decorated sugar cookie on the floor, which the beagle promptly snatched and ran. The kid's response - "Damn it!" When I admonished him, he turned to me, and in all wide-eyed innocence, said, "But Mom, I used 'damn' in the proper context."

My nephew Cameron the oldest of 3 brothers has kept us pretty entertained from the time he was born. One of the earliest things he did was when he was 2 we asked him where uncle Rex is (by the way before i go any futher Rex was out side smoking) he said he's outside foking.

Not long after that Rex rolls his cigerettes to save money, Cameron has alwasy been fasinated with anything Rex is doing so when Rex goes outside to roll a cigerette Cameron follows along. This partictular day another adult was there and asked Rex if he had any tobacco Rex told the guy he did then Rex asked the guy do you have any papers. Cameron standing around like any other 2 year old Rex didnt realize that Cameron was paying attention. The next week while we were visting Cameron. Cameron again as usuall followed Rex out while he was going to roll his cigerette, out of no where Cameron as Rex GOT ANY PAPERS? .

Cameron has been know to drink his juice to fast and he sometimes gets strangeled and throws up. His mother has told him that if he didnt drink to much juice we wouldnt get sick . One evening while visitng Rex was outside drinking beer, and when he swallowed it went down the wrong way so he got choked. Cameron saw that Rex got choked so he ran in the house and told us. REX drank too much beer so he threw up. Had we not known about Cameron and his drinking too much juice we would have thought he ment Rex needed to cut back on his drinking.

Cameron is now 3 he is in Head Start school. As with some other children when they get around children that they havent been around before they tend to do some of the things they see those children getting away with. One day something happened at school , Cameron came home and told his mom about it. I havent mentioned til now but Cameron and his brothers are bi racial. Camerons mom asked Cameron , what does the little boy look like, haivng been told Momma is white , Daddy is black and your brown . Cameron Replied with the only way a 3 year old would know how to describe another person, HE WHITE LIKE YOU.

During Christmas, at school there were 2 figurines of SANTA . A black one and a white one. The way Cameron saw it one was white and the other one was Chocolate. Cameron doesnt refer to anyone with Medium skin as Chocolate , I believe Cameron thinks Santa really is white.

I really didnt mean to write a book so I will stop for now. All of this and I havent even told you about CHRIS AND CADEN. OUR 3 Nephews.

Now that they have outgrown their baby books, I keep notebooks to write down the funny things my kids say. The funniest thing that springs to mind is once my daughter, who was about 5 at the time, was following me when I was going into the bathroom. I started to shut the door on her so I could have some privacy and she said, "why are you shutting the door? I already know you have a furry butt!" Can't you just imagine the neighbors faces if she were to go around announcing that??

The other day my son was telling me all the ways he would defend me from bad guys. One of the ways he planned was to cut them in half. I told him he'd need an awfully big knife for that. He thought for a minute and said that he'd get his dad's razor (which he had cut himself on not so long before) and he'd shave their butts off - with no cream!

These stories are cracking me up. We had an incident the other day where I was making a turkey sandwich for breakfast (bad Angie) and my four-year-old daughter decided she wanted a turkey sandwich too.

I must have looked confused as I wrestled with the idea. Because, on one hand, it would get her out the door on time to preschool. On the other hand, I'm trying to instill good habits.

Madeline laughed at the look in my face and said, "I don't want real turkey mom. That would be silly. Real turkeys live on a farm and say, 'gobble, gobble.' You don't eat those! I want turkey from the refrigerator."

The Crime

The authors of this blog are hereby charged with writing Killer Fiction novels responsible for spontaneous outbursts of laughter in public places, uncontrollable swooning over larger-than-life heroes, and the deaths of countless fictional villains.

The Evidence

Our Accomplices

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