July 17, 2011

When He Wishes to Cuddle but She Wants a Quicky

"An international survey of couples for the Kinsey Institute suggests that it's men who thrive on non-sexual physical intimacy, while women are remarkably unfussed about being cuddled," reported the Guardian earlier this week. Continued the article:

We certainly don't seem to be very good at valuing sex as a part of relationships. Over the weekend, I was surprised to read a moving confession from a man describing himself as "the rejected husband," who describes the misery and rejection of being in a relationship where sex has died. "I ache for you," he writes. "Not for sex, but for sex with you."

What the article didn't make clear, was that this specifically rejected husband is a father of three whose wife will only "reciprocate the physical contact," as he explains, "on a Saturday, long after our last child is asleep." He concedes that they have "long working days made more frenetic by three energetic kids." -- Yet he complains:

I'm tired of you being tired all the time. Do you have to go to the gym quite so often? Must you devote so much energy to the PTA?

Perhaps this rejected husband should drop the cuddly foot strokes and suggest a quicky to his wife. Perhaps the idea of "sex with you" sounds like too big of a production to her; something to be left for an occasional Saturday night.

If this were the case, I can actually relate -- in light of the practical, physical, and emotional demands of motherhood. Before our daughter was born, my husband and I could and would indulge in sex on a daily basis. After it's been different. And not just immediately afterwards, during those six weeks after giving birth when women are advised to abstain, which according to the Guardian is the only "reasonable" allotted time for women to opt out of sex:

It's actually pretty reasonable to expect sex to be a continuous part of a relationship; the partner who's being unreasonable is the one who's decided on their own that physical intimacy is over – not because of health problems, other relationships issues or an immediate obstacle such as just having had children, but purely because he or she doesn't fancy bunking up any more. (my emphasis)

Even as a mother of a three-year-old, I can still feel too touched out for cuddles and that big production kind of "sex with you," but I can crave a quicky.

Time is an issue too. I get so little uninterrupted time to focus on something: my writing and research in particular. At the end of the day, I crave that. Sure, I can sympathize with the "rejected husband" who is in despair because of his wife's preference for "endless reruns of Morse" over him. On the other hand, watching a DVD feels like the only chance I have these days to completely zone out. A Saturday to my liking? -- A quicky followed by a movie.

Reports the Guaridan:

Another "encouraging way that the Kinsey report went against expectations was by showing that women became more sexually satisfied as they got older (the researchers guessed that this might be a result of children growing up relieving stress on mothers, while reduced anxiety about fertility made sex more enjoyable for women)." (my emphasis)

In other words, the time will come again when we can act like rabbits around this house, and that will be nice. But in the meantime, I remain an advocate of the quicky.

2 comments:

I relate so much to this post. Once my hubby and I got the ground rules established that quickies were going to work better for me, we are both much happier. It does not need to be some movie production! I'm glad I'm not the only one.

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