Bad Attitude: A True Story For Yom Kippur

"My career was still stuck in neutral. I wasn't working. I wasn't doing anything to get things going either, except blaming my roomate for ruining my life with his success."

Botz and I had been playing in a band together for over a year. We shared an apartment together in Brooklyn. This day, Botz came home later than usual.

"What's the matter?" I asked him.

"I'm miserable."

"Why?"

"I'm twenty-eight today."

"Happy birthday."

"You don't understand. Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison; all of them died when they were twenty-seven."

"So?"

"Look at what they did by twenty-seven. Me, I'm twenty-eight and I'm still living with you."

We realized it was time to start to do something, like working on our careers. Botz suggested we try the jam session scene.

Even a good jam session can attract some of the world's most awful wanna-be musical nightmares.

Many clubs host a Jam Session or "Open Mic Nite." The club hires a house band and invites all local talent to come and sit in. A good jam session will attract some of the area's most accomplished musicians. It will also attract some of the world's most awful wanna-be musical nightmares.

Botz figured that if we went to jam sessions long enough, somebody would eventually hear us and hire us.

"It's just a matter of time until I get the Bowie gig," he'd say.

GETTING DWEEBED

A jam session usually begins around ten at night and runs continuously until four in the morning. The better musicians are generally already known by the houseband. These musicians are asked to sit in as soon as the bandleader notices them in the club. Everyone else is assumed to be musically inept and forced to wait around until the end of the night.

Botz caught on to this before I did. "I think we're gonna get 'dweebed' tonight," he said.

"What's that mean?"

"We're not gonna get to play until late. They're gonna stick us up there with all the dweebs who can't play."

He was right. It was horrible. The problem playing with a lousy musician is that he makes everyone else sound as bad as he is; a band is only as strong as its weakest player.

We'd wait around for hours only to get stuck playing with a nerd accountant weekend-warrior type. He'd call "Red House" for the tenth time that night and then try (without succeeding) to display his virtuostic prowess (of which he had none) to his friends.

After about three weeks I couldn't take it anymore.

After about three weeks I couldn't take it anymore.

"I quit Botz, it's not worth it. There's got to be a better way to make it in the industry," I told him.

After months of agony, Botz was finally given a break. The regular drummer had locked himself in the bathroom. He couldn't be persuaded to come back on stage. Botz was asked to sit in with the houseband.

It didn't take them long to realize that Botz was one of the best drummers in New York. Soon he was the one they asked to sit in when the top players showed up. People began to hire him for local gigs and take him on short road trips to Jersey or Connecticut. He became the house drummer. He was beginning to make a name for himself.

My career was still stuck in neutral. I wasn't working. I wasn't doing anything to get things going either. I asked Botz if he wanted to jam one night.

"I'd love to but I'm booked all week," he said. "Bobby Blue Blood needs me on Thursday. Sammy Two-Toes needs me over the weekend. I'll be with the Sludge Factor the whole week after that. Maybe we can do something three weeks from yesterday?"

I was miserable. Botz was busy busy busy and I was home alone watching re-runs.

I was miserable. Botz was busy busy busy and I was home alone watching re-runs of "All in the Family."

I searched for ways to explain Botz's success. "It's because he's a drummer. There's a shortage of good drummers. If I played the drums I'd be working too." Or: "It's because he's older than I am. It's natural for a person his age to be working regularly." Or (after I thought about the situation deeply): "Maybe it's because he's tall. Nobody wants to hire a short guy like me."

Botz was starting to annoy me. "He leaves his hair all over the bathtub. He never does his dishes. The whole house stinks of garlic. Why is olive oil everywhere?!"

Botz came home late one night from a gig. He opened the door to get into the apartment. It squeaked.

"YOUINCONSIDERATESELFCENTEREDJERK!!!" I yelled.

"I'm sorry. What did I do? Are you okay?"

"ALWAYS THINKING OF YOURSELF! WHY DON'T YOU THINK ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE? HOW DARE YOU BARGE IN HERE WAKING ME UP LIKE THAT!!!"

Botz cowered around the apartment like a sheepdog. He mopped the floor. He defrosted the refrigerator.

Botz walked into his room confused. I was furious.

It took me a few days to calm down. Botz cowered around the apartment like a sheepdog. He mopped the floor. He defrosted the refrigerator. "Are you still mad?" he asked me.

"Shut up."

"Can I do anything?"

"Drop dead."

I was jealous. Botz had managed to jumpstart his career and I hated him for it. I hadn't been willing to pay my dues. I hadn't bothered trying anything else either. I'd opted to wallow in self-pity. Instead of seeing the situation for what it was, I chose to rationalize and justify everything. I allowed it to build up inside me until the inevitable happened -- I exploded. It was time for me to confront the issue head on and grow up.

"I'm sorry Botz," I said. "I've been a bit of a butthead. I was jealous."

"Don't worry about it."

"I've taken some time to look at things objectively. I realize that I can't hate you just because I'm too lazy to get my life together."

"It's okay ... you know, now that I'm in the houseband, I can get you on stage with the real musicians. I can keep you from getting dweebed. You should come down sometime."

"Yeah. Maybe."

We were friends again. We went to White Castle for a reconciliatory meal.

"Nothing like indigestion as a substitute for bad feelings."

I ordered six mini-burgers. Botz got the cheese-fries and a Coke. My intestines rumbled in anticipation. Life had returned back to normal.

A RELEVATION

Seven years later I found myself in Jerusalem. A crazy chain of events had led me to rediscover my Jewish roots. The heavy metal thunder of years ago was now just a ringing in my ears.

I looked back at my failed attempt to jumpstart my career. "What was I thinking?" I thought to myself. "Instead of dealing with my feelings and shortcomings I had made Botz into my whipping boy."

I thought about it more. "I could have kept on believing my excuses, but that would have been lame. I guess when I saw things clearly I realized that I had to be the one to solve the problem. Botz wasn't jealous. I was."

I had stumbled upon a fundamental Jewish principle: My life's biggest blunders were for me to deal with and no one else.

I wandered into downtown Jerusalem to buy warm beer and falafel. "If Botz ever comes to Israel I'm going to turn him on to shwarma," I thought to myself. "It sure beats White Castle."

I felt empowered. I felt I could handle any challenge that came my way. I had taken charge of my life at last.

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About the Author

Tzvi Gluckin lectures extensively on a wide range of Jewish related topics. He is the author of four books including: Everything You Want Is Really Jewish, Discover This, and Knee Deep in the Funk: Understanding the Connection Between Spirituality and Music. He served in the Israeli Army, holds a B.M. in Jazz Studies from the New England Conservatory of Music, and is currently the director of Vechulai, an innovative Jewish think tank in Boston. For more information, visit his website at gluckin.com/.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 8

(8)
Khin,
October 7, 2015 1:08 AM

You opened my eyes!

Thank You! After reading this, I see myself clearly. I am in this situation since a few months and I thought the wrong is in others! Helas! I need to deal with myself. Thanks a lot!

(7)
David,
June 9, 2010 1:18 PM

Thank you, at 78 it's what I have been missing - The sense of beloging.

(6)
Rachel,
June 9, 2010 1:18 PM

I agree with your conclusion. Life is about us dealing with our problems, and putting others first. It's hard to beleive your friend was that nice when you flipped out at him. I guess you have good friends.

(5)
Avigayil S,
May 28, 2010 3:06 PM

cool story

thats so nice that in the end you found your way to judaism. your article brought out a clear point about forgiveness, understanding, and knowing where one stands. thank you!

(4)
kim,
September 7, 2006 11:23 AM

work hard in life and have the powerful zest for it too.

it is true, when one fails must not sit back must fight until his enermy failure is defeated. Should not be jealous to those who are serious with their life and career.

(3)
sofia,
November 5, 2000 12:00 AM

Tzvi found his jewish routes , before having nothing to do with it.

I think its very beautiful how he found his jewish routes and hopefully I will too. It shows the greatness of this person.

(2)
Donna Gruenbeck-Blackburn,
October 11, 2000 12:00 AM

Inspirational Reading

Good to be reminded of a truth we all know - but frequently fail to recognize.
Thanks, Tzvi !

(1)
Bob Burg,
October 2, 2000 12:00 AM

Great lesson!

Personal responsibility is key to a successful life, and that's what Tzvi very effectively teaches us in this excellent article.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!