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Witch Seeks Employment: Cover letter

I humbly submit my application for the advertised position, as I believe that I am uniquely qualified. I’ve been known to spin straw into gold, but only when the blue moon is on a Tuesday in a leap year when mars is conjunct my natal sun. I fart rainbows, sweat sunshine and can fly.

I’m a kindler of infectious enthusiasm, and pied piper of inner-children, whimsy and cheer. My smile once launched a thousand ships, unfortunately; they were all smashed on the rocks of foolish idealism. Though all was lost, they died happy and singing my praises to the tune of “100 bottles of beer on the wall.”

Due to the God Pluto once losing to me in a game of gin rummy, I can have enlightenment or material riches, but not both. I may not have made the right choice. Thus, my application for this position.

I am on a first name basis with the elephant in this room. He’s agreed to be my character reference, but he is very judgmental, so I don’t like him much.

My fastest speed for changing from executive power suit to superhero suit in a phone booth is half the time it takes to actually find a phone booth. I once resolved a hostage crises using nothing but my smartphone, while grocery shopping with a toddler and a baby, and still saved $24.99 with coupons.

With only my own body and holistic living I created two entirely new human beings, then fed them for free for a year. They were so cute they both won blue ribbons at the state fair.

I have skills so fearsome that they require special permission by city council to practice in this county. I can travel to anywhere in time and space and never leave the room. And yet, have not divined how best to trade these skills to make a mortgage payment.

With this minimum wage position, I know that together we can take over the world, but in a loving, egalitarian way, of course.