Friday, November 30, 2012

Bitch of the Week: Angelica Pickles

The ultimate bitch lifestyle.

If you're name is Angelica Pickles, you have two options: you can either let people bully you because you're name is lame or you can own that shit because your name is the best thing ever. At the young age of three, Angelica knew to take the latter route in Rugrats, one of the greatest cartoons of all time.

Angelica is a grade A bitch. No matter how mean she is to cousin Tommy and his ragtag group of friends, which included a ginger and two lopsided incestuous twins, they always wanted her approval. And who wouldn't? She gets everything she wants, usually a cookie; she has her parents, and most other adults, wrapped around her fingers; she knows how to defend her turf from the nuisance that is Susie Carmichael from down the street; hell, she even understands the value of a Barbie Cynthia doll over some stupid Godzilla knock-off. Simply put, Angelica is an inspiration, a Regina George in training, if you will.

Always the center of attention, Angelica serenades the gang.Can we just look at how fucking pressed Susie is?

Angelica's bitchery is evident in almost every episode of the show. Remember the time she convinced Chuckie that a watermelon was going to grow inside him since he swallowed a seed? Or what about the time she broke Tommy's clown lamp but held a trial and tried to blame that shit on one of the babies? And who could forget when she stole Aunt Didi's identity to order delivery over the phone?

Angelica in one of many Christmas specials, proving that bitchery is never seasonal.

Perhaps it was Rugrats in Paris in which Angelica was shining at her brightest. Bitch wanted a float in the Euro Reptarland parade and was willing to go to any lengths to fulfill that wish. So she promises to help Coco Labouche con Chuckie's dad into marrying her. Amazing, the refined bitchery of which Angelica was capable at such a young age. We should all look at her as a prodigy and an inspiration.

It's no wonder she went rogue, though. Imagine if your familial and social circles were constantly being bombarded by outsiders. First, Susie moves her sorry ass into the neighborhood and continually tries to wigsnatch Angelica. Then, Stu and Didi are unable to control themselves and soon enough Angelica has to deal with a new cousin, Dil, who is a HUGE pain in the ass. And then Chuckie gets an Asian stepsister named Kimi! KIMI! What the hell is that? Is that even a name?

Angelica has taught us many things, the most important of all being that you are never too young to be a bitch. I implore you all, as you start your families and raise your children, to encourage them to embrace this lifestyle. You won't be disappointed.