Kashmir & the concocted problem

Kashmir olympics A few weeks ago, while speaking to the media, the President of Pakistan put up a new plan to resolve the Kashmir problem. Naturally his Indian counterpart couldn't be left behind.

So last week it was time for the good Doctor to show that we Indians too care about Kashmir and therefore in that glorious tradition of past prime ministers paying at least one visit every five years, he went to Kashmir and outlined his own initiatives.

I asked Hobbes whether he thought that these new initiatives would work. Hobbes looked at me and opined that the Kashmir problem couldn't be solved by political means: "What we need is a sporting Olympics to determine the fate of Kashmir," he said.

While I was intrigued by this suggestion, I couldn't help but point out that apart from hockey and cricket, both India and Pakistan didn't have a very distinguished record in sports. Hobbes, however, wasn't one to be deterred by such trivialities.

Said Hobbes, "This cricket diplomacy has not got us very far and as for hockey there is no one interested in watching it even if it's a Indo-Pak game.

We have to think out of the box." He pointed out that the event could be a big money spinner, garnering revenues through television and merchandising and if it did lead to a successful resolution, then the leaders of both sides might even end up with a Nobel peace prize.

So, with no further ado, the two of us set upon the onerous task of possible games that could constitute the Olympics. After much deliberation we came up with five possible games wherein both India and Pakistan countries excel.

This list though isn't exhaustive and we're sure that you folks could add to these so, please do send us your suggestions.

Spin a yarn : Politicos from both sides are allowed to make the wildest promises and accusations that they can concoct against the other side.

This is held in a group discussion format so that we can witness some amount of tag team violence as well. The genre of fantasy literature could be taken to a new height from the transcripts of these sessions.

Demolition derby : This involves taking the most corrupt politician on our side and the most corrupt one on their side (selecting the contestant will be just as much fun as the event itself). Then you give each one of them a city and see who makes more money and leaves the city in a greater mess than he or she found it in a year's time.

Obstacle race : Not your run of the mill obstacle race, this one has five MNCs trying to get permission to set shop in India and Pakistan without the use of "facilitation fees". This is the ultimate test of patience, fortitude and temperament. Of course, it also keeps a large number of government employees in both countries busy and entertained.

Colouring game : This involves our kurta clad and their Sherwani clad, fed-on-religious-opium masses being given unlimited supply of paan. Then they're made to stand on opposite sides of the Taj Mahal and through spitting alone each team tries to redden the pristine Taj.

If Indian fanatics win then they can install the Shiv Murti to show that a temple existed there and if the Pakistani fanatics wins then they can take the Taj Mahal back to the land of the Mughals where it "really" belongs.

Box the ballot : This involves Indians who support Kashmiris and Pakistanis who support the Kashmiris entering a building guarded by security personnel. After they manage to enter they have to stamp the votes lying there and fill the ballot boxes.

The team that accomplishes this feat the fastest then gets to loot the state of Kashmir and oppress the Kashmiris for five years and then of course there's another round of Democracy.

Hobbes points out though that it'll be impossible to have rules for these events since our politicians and masses don't believe in following them.

Furthermore, he says that unfortunately Cowboy Bush has no clue how to play these ancient sports, which reflect thousands of years of culture and civilisation.

Which means that there is no match referee, without who Hobbes doesn't believe that an event of such mammoth proportions can be executed successfully.

Moz wants us to return to the days of yore when sport was about playing the game and not about winning or losing. As for the poor Kashmiri who longs for peace and calm, well, as long as politicians and generals are around they can just mutter "Sab Maya Hai".

PS Most people I know have never visited Kashmir and neither is it very high on their things to do list.

They also seem to feel very strongly about this piece of land and yet I have seldom ever heard them talk about the people who live on that land. Ironical, both India and Pakistan constantly discuss the Kashmir problem and never the problems of the Kashmiris.