I think I may forgo the whole day counter thing. For some reason, it makes me feel tethered to PMO. I see the days like links on a chain and at the end of the chain is an anchor. At least that is how it feels at this moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stopping my system for recovery, in fact I'm tweaking it based on where I'm at in this process.

In the beginning, the counter was liberating in ways. It was great to see 1 day, 1 week, 2 weeks etc since a relapse...especially since I had gone YEARS using porn at least once a day. The day counter gave me belief in my ability to make it one more day as they built. Eventually the day counter became a motivational tool not to mess up as I did not want to give up a high number that I built. In both ways I see the counter as an invaluable tool in the very early stages of quitting.

There's something inside of me now that feels long term recovery is more than counting days. I think it is good for a while...maybe a long while, but can't help but feel that to truly break free I cannot keep my focus looking back. It may not be like that for everyone, but it feels that way to me.

I've actually not gone anywhere...been reading posts here every day, but I've been a little messed up in the head and didn't feel like putting it all out there. I also didn't feel like I had much to contribute to anyone else...I feel like a hypocrite in many ways.

In the end, I need to stay with my journal as part of sticking with my system. I also hope (if anyone out there reads this) that others may see some of my experience in what they are going through and hopefully me documenting my failures will keep others from doing the same. Maybe my failures will speed someone else's healing.

A few weeks back I reset. I had been so good for so long that I got lazy in my routine. I felt good...felt happy. It was almost like resisting got too easy. I guess I started to get cocky. Eventually I let my guard down and while surfing for something to watch late at night (which by the way...going to bed earlier is part of my system that I was unfortunately not following at that moment) and clicked on a late night Cinemax movie. It was basically simulated sex showing lots and lots of boobs but it got me going & I mo'd. I felt bad but that night I opened the door to let pro back into my life.

The next night I snuck off and did it again. This time Cinemax wasn't enough & I actually paid for an on-demand porn flick. It's the first time I've ever done that. Even when I was heavy into porn, I would never pay for a movie, but I have all of my devices secure and it was the only way I had to see see porn and I had already given in to my addiction...so "to hell with $15".

For two weeks after that I was good, but still not working my routine. Then one night I had an thought...oh what a glorious thought...it was a porn addict stroke of genius. While laying in bed I recalled that my wife's old cell phone was in a drawer in our office. Even though it doesn't get service, it can still access the internet wherever there is wi-fi. So, for the course of about three weeks I used her phone to pmo on at least 6 or 8 occasions. Of course each time was going to be the last...yeah, right.

So...last Monday (a week-and-a-half ago) I finally had enough...or so I thought. I removed the battery from the phone, took it to my work and threw it in the dumpster. My wife likes to keep old phones in case we loose or break one. I figured this way, I would only have to buy a battery if something like that happened. I was good until Sunday. In typical addict fashion I was trying to figure out how to get a fix. I was so depraved that I actually figured out how to use a battery from a Samsung S5 in my new phone in an old S3 if you get creative with a long zip-tie. This led to a Sunday pmo session followed by a Monday morning session to cap things off.

It's funny, but I was so completely aware of what was happening in my brain with each occurrence, but I didn't really care. I knew why and how it was happening, I could feel it. I knew what to do to stop it...but I didn't. I feel there is still a small part of my brain that holds out hope that p can still have a small part in my life...that it can be a little fun on the side and can be managed. Of course, I know better.

For the last few weeks (about 6 or so), I've been in a cycle of a pmo here, maybe 2 there followed by a few days or even a week of abstinence. However, even in the good times I was not following my routine that was so helpful. I was more-or-less just living life and fighting urges as they came...win some, loose some. I know (and knew) that doing so is not a recipe for success. I simply must be diligent in sticking to a system and routine that sets me up for success, so today I am recommitting to a lifetime of sobriety...

...even took a cold shower this morning. It's time to start working porn out of my life again instead of marking time. I've let years get away from me and I see time moving faster all the time...that scares me. I'm scared that if I don't truly make a life change that I'll find myself an old man in a very short time looking back with only regret that I spent so much of the time that God gave me stroking my wang to to 2 dimensional women. On top of that, I've been blessed in so many other ways that it is almost sickening that I choose to invest the time I do have with porn women instead of my wife and family.

All of that changed when I was free from porn. I did the right things. I've had a great year. This past Sunday I spent the day hiding in my garage pretending I was working on stuff while I looked at 3 inch pictures of naked women all afternoon on an old cell phone instead of playing with my kids...that's just sad.

« Last Edit: November 05, 2015, 05:17:54 PM by unchained »

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Chile

Great to see you back here Unchained. Sorry it's under the circumstances you describe. Perhaps you fell as hard as you did because your brain was so starved for porn dopamine, which shows just how far you had come in your reboot. Don't get down on yourself my friend. Go back to what worked and be the wiser for your experience. I'm sure you will.

I've been having a hard time getting traction. I'm not stuck in a daily PMO routine, but more like 1-2 times a week. Sometimes I'll stay clean for a couple of weeks, but it has been a while now since I've had a real long meaningful streak.

After my last slip up a couple of months ago, I never truly got focussed on working a system and sticking to a plan that I knew would keep me healthy. Instead, I simply tried to "fight" the urges...win some / loose some. I know from experience...too much experience that trying to quit that way simply will not work. Or, at least it will not work for me.

So...here I am...not gonna shout that I will never slip or stumble again because doing so and failing makes me feel like a hypocrite. What I am doing is recommitting myself to actively get back on the path that was successful for me in the past.

I was thinking in the car the other day about this seemingly almost unbeatable addiction and why I am having so much difficulty. It occurred to me that wanting to quit is not and will never be enough. No one ever accomplished anything by "wanting" it. They got off their butts and did something about it...proactively. I know I can't get in good shape by wanting to have a better body. I have to make the right choices. To be the best physically that I can be, I have to eat right, I have to get enough sleep, I have to exercise, etc. It takes work...not wishing or wanting. You don't get a college degree by wanting it...no...you have to put in the time. You have to go to class, do the homework, study and do all the other things necessary to achieve the goal. It is like that with almost everything in life...so why should quitting porn be any different?

I can want it all I want, but nothing will change until I (re)roll up my sleeves and get back to the job of cleaning up the mess I have made. This means I need an approach that to address it physically, emotionally, logically and spiritually. Physically I will recommit to my exercise routine. Emotionally I will better communicate with my wife (I tend to shut people out when discouraged, stressed, angry or unsure of myself and that leads back to PMO). I will also refocus on my morning meditation to improve my emotional state. Logically I will continue to educate myself about the hard science as it relates to porn addiction as well as addiction in general. And spiritually I will ask for forgiveness for my sins, forgive myself for my mistakes, spend more time in God's word and seek God's will for my purpose in this world through prayer.

In the end I feel like I'm in a pretty good place. A hands-on approach makes me feel like I'm more in the driver's seat than when I'm simply going through life trying to avoid temptations as they come along. I have hope that this next year will be a great one. As far as 2015 goes...while I've made mistakes I have been more PMO free than any single year since I began PMO in 1987, and that's a good thing I suppose.

Jumped back into the cold shower routine this morning. Man it was cold...colder than I remember. I went several months earlier this year with a cold shower every day, but I swear the water is much colder in December than it was in the summer.

In the end it made me feel like a bad-ass standing there refusing to let the cold water beat me. There is much truth to the claims that cold showers help a recovering addict's mind set all day long. The 5 minutes of discomfort pays dividends all day long.

Hi UnchainedI have just started reading your journal as it sounds like you have been where i am in my journey and it is really helpful.It may take me a while to get through it but i appreciate you taking the time to record your journey as it really helps guys like me.

It's time to start working porn out of my life again instead of marking time. I've let years get away from me and I see time moving faster all the time...that scares me. I'm scared that if I don't truly make a life change that I'll find myself an old man in a very short time looking back with only regret that I spent so much of the time that God gave me stroking my wang to to 2 dimensional women. On top of that, I've been blessed in so many other ways that it is almost sickening that I choose to invest the time I do have with porn women instead of my wife and family.

Unchained,

I've read your journal from front to end and let me tell you that I am rooting for you brother! I see in you many of the same inner struggles I have. I too am addicted. But today,I finally found this place. And I think it can help me try to overcome my addiction in the coming days, weeks, months and years. Thank you for sharing of yourself. I'm not sure I'll have as much courage to share, but I will try. Like you write, I'm scared too. Last night I lost my latest reboot (heck, I've been crossing triggers and redlines for a few weeks now), got caught, and am now sick of what I am and where I'm taking my family. It is sad, really. I know I can do better, but unlike my last reboot, now I know I've got to have some help. And reading your journal, and all the others, gives me a bit of that help. Seeing that there are wives like Gracie out theregives me hope that I might not have crossed her final red line.

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Leon

I've been having a hard time getting traction. I'm not stuck in a daily PMO routine, but more like 1-2 times a week. Sometimes I'll stay clean for a couple of weeks, but it has been a while now since I've had a real long meaningful streak.

After my last slip up a couple of months ago, I never truly got focussed on working a system and sticking to a plan that I knew would keep me healthy. Instead, I simply tried to "fight" the urges...win some / loose some. I know from experience...too much experience that trying to quit that way simply will not work. Or, at least it will not work for me.

So...here I am...not gonna shout that I will never slip or stumble again because doing so and failing makes me feel like a hypocrite. What I am doing is recommitting myself to actively get back on the path that was successful for me in the past.

I was thinking in the car the other day about this seemingly almost unbeatable addiction and why I am having so much difficulty. It occurred to me that wanting to quit is not and will never be enough. No one ever accomplished anything by "wanting" it. They got off their butts and did something about it...proactively. I know I can't get in good shape by wanting to have a better body. I have to make the right choices. To be the best physically that I can be, I have to eat right, I have to get enough sleep, I have to exercise, etc. It takes work...not wishing or wanting. You don't get a college degree by wanting it...no...you have to put in the time. You have to go to class, do the homework, study and do all the other things necessary to achieve the goal. It is like that with almost everything in life...so why should quitting porn be any different?

I can want it all I want, but nothing will change until I (re)roll up my sleeves and get back to the job of cleaning up the mess I have made. This means I need an approach that to address it physically, emotionally, logically and spiritually. Physically I will recommit to my exercise routine. Emotionally I will better communicate with my wife (I tend to shut people out when discouraged, stressed, angry or unsure of myself and that leads back to PMO). I will also refocus on my morning meditation to improve my emotional state. Logically I will continue to educate myself about the hard science as it relates to porn addiction as well as addiction in general. And spiritually I will ask for forgiveness for my sins, forgive myself for my mistakes, spend more time in God's word and seek God's will for my purpose in this world through prayer.

In the end I feel like I'm in a pretty good place. A hands-on approach makes me feel like I'm more in the driver's seat than when I'm simply going through life trying to avoid temptations as they come along. I have hope that this next year will be a great one. As far as 2015 goes...while I've made mistakes I have been more PMO free than any single year since I began PMO in 1987, and that's a good thing I suppose.

Grateful you posted here, Unchained. I feel after reading your latest posts that I'm on Team-Unchained, and wish to fight with you every step of the way back into that place of victory that you enjoyed not too long ago.

I can relate to your struggle, having reached 116 days last summer- I was riding high. Thereafter, especially during the last few months, had been really hard for me to regain traction, as you put it. Sure, I didn't have to reset my counter, but I didn't feel as if I was where I needed to be given the tenacity of this addiction.

Like yourself, I had to revisit what's worked for me in the [recent] past, and put it into practice.

One conclusion that I came up with for myself, and it's also what you're saying, is that one cannot do this mindlessly, as our bad habits are still not too dim yet as to not be reactivated.

This calls forth an incredible mindfulness and a diligent living on purpose concerning those areas you mentioned: physical health- are we eating right? Are we getting enough sleep? Emotional health- how are my emotions? What are my thoughts dwelling on? Why am I feeling a certain (negative) way? How can I change my perception toward what's true, as opposed to what's dysfunctional? Spiritual health- This is where I put my meditation practice, as it gives me a chance not only to practice breathing and mindfulness, but to also realize my Oneness with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Also, prayer and reading His Word, not as a work that I have to do, but rather to tune my inward attitudes correctly so as to renew my mind according to who I am in Him.

Had a great Christmas, and am glad you also did. Looking forward to the good things in store for you in the New Year, new victories, building on the old winnings- which are by no means lost to us.

I appreciate hearing that others read what I am experiencing and can identify with it. This addiction is definitely one that is kept in the dark for almost everyone of us. Everyone knows a smoker smokes, but PMO addiction is kept hidden from everyone. It is a truly lonely place to be and a terrifyingly lonely place to exist when you come to the realization that the PMO habit has grown stronger than your self control. When I quit smoking years ago I told everyone that I was trying to quit. I got much encouragement...people smiled & said wonderfully supportive and encouraging things. I'd see someone out...they would notice I was still not smoking and would ask things like "how long has it been?" or they would pat me on the back and say "congratulations". Those interactions helped keep me on track...they made me feel good about myself for quitting. With PMO we suffer in silence and (for the most part) we struggle alone and heal in secret. The closest thing I have to any sense that someone out there understands me is through this forum. It is nice to feel understood and that I am not just some one-in-a-million sexually perverted freak.

Spiritual health- This is where I put my meditation practice, as it gives me a chance not only to practice breathing and mindfulness, but to also realize my Oneness with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

I agree Leon. I incorporate prayer into my meditation practice and have found that meditation improved my ability to stay focused and clear minded in prayer.

I heard the following C.S. Lewis quote regarding masturbation a couple of weeks back. It is so true and applicable to our own struggles that I wanted to post it here.

"For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself…After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison." - C.S. Lewis

Dangerous...indeed. I was in the prison he speaks of for almost 30 years. I so loved my imaginary harem that I was blinded to the fact that I was even stuck in a prison at all. My addiction convinced me that porn was heaven, not prison. I would become euphoric when I knew I had time to be alone and access to porn. All the while I was chained in a prison and couldn't even see it....or maybe I could, but as he said I came to love the prison itself. I loved be inside my own world where I could selfishly indulge all of my own desires while neglecting the needs of those real people who care for and need me.

All of what he said in the quote resonated deeply with me. After hearing it I was reminded why it is important for me to avoid MO just as importantly as PMO if I am to become the man that I hope to be. If what he says is true about masturbation alone, then adding porn to the mix would be like magnifying it exponentially. C.S. Lewis died in 1963. I wonder what his words would be today.

I would become euphoric when I knew I had time to be alone and access to porn.

How well I can relate to that! Every time when driving home from my family's house after a two or three day stay, I'd start feeling excited about getting home to be alone with my PC and the limitless porn I could find. I'd start planning out how I'd organize the time to maximize my enjoyment, edit and splice videos together to increase the pleasure because I was aware of the novelty effect and used it to my advantage. I was like a master chef, but of porn. The sad thing is that the pleasures I could reach after a while were never as good to what I could through more normal masturbation when younger - I had really burnt out my dopamine, like some kind of crack addict that needed the maximum dose just to feel 50% as good as what he used to be able to with only a little. So I'd lay off a week, go back, and it'd be great again and fall back into the eternal cycle. Only when I write it out do I see how sad it really all has been.

PMO certainly grew beyond my self control. I don't know how many times I tried to quit. Fifty? Never succeeded. Always came crawling back. But this forum has really changed things for me, and I hope most others. To be able to write out and articulate how porn has affected us, how it's twisted our thoughts and our behavior.

What I really appreciate here is reading other people's experiences and seeing how much they mirror my own. Suffering in completely silence is hurtful. So many people consider me a very eligible bachelor and wonder why I don't try to date people very often - maybe one person a year. It's PMO that does this, it robs us of normalcy, and greater joy, all because we can't break out of flooding our brains for the sake of instant gratification.

The C.S. Lewis quote is very poignant. It's spot on. The harem is always accessible, perfect, limitless, how could one ordinary woman ever compete with that? Yet we are meant to be able to experience the highest of highs with one ordinary person. For me, now, that isn't possible. Hopefully the future is bright thanks to a place like this.

Porn is not a victimless habit. That's what keeps reminding me of the freedom that awaits in leaving it behind.

You are 100% correct Chile. That in itself should be sufficient motivation to stay away. Sadly for me, when I am in "the moment" of temptation any consideration for any other person seems to go right out the window. The addiction takes over in complete selfishness. To be honest, when I do cave in I don't even care about myself. I'm completely aware of the negative consequences for myself and even that isn't strong enough motivation to walk away if I get too close to the edge. The addicted pathways in my brain would have me do damage to myself if it means satisfying the addiction...at least temporarily.

If anyone here isn't familiar with the Pornfree Radio podcasts by Matt Dobschuetz, you may want to check them out. I downloaded them free at iTunes and listen to them when I'm alone in my car.

Listening today he mentioned something that I would like to share. He said that healing is not necessarily equal to lack of struggling. That took a minute to sink in. In the past I have always felt that if I hit some magical day count that the temptation to look at porn would go away. However, as I stayed away from porn and began to heal (pied disappeared, concentration improved, anxiety levels improved, mild OCD symptoms eased), the temptation to look at porn was still there. It definitely became more manageable to deal with but it never truly went away. This would frustrate me and cause me to question if I were getting better. I began to feel hopeless which would inevitably eventually drive me back toward a relapse.

I now see my attraction to porn will probably always stay with me to some degree. In some ways that realization is actually liberating. I don't have to beat it or kill it. I don't have to feel like a failure because it is still there. I simply need to not act on the desire...to choose a separate course of action. Just like in the Serenity Prayer, I will accept the things I cannot change which in this case the desire to seek out images of naked women...but I WILL change the things I can which is how I act.

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Leon

I now see my attraction to porn will probably always stay with me to some degree. In some ways that realization is actually liberating. I don't have to beat it or kill it. I don't have to feel like a failure because it is still there. I simply need to not act on the desire...to choose a separate course of action. Just like in the Serenity Prayer, I will accept the things I cannot change which in this case the desire to seek out images of naked women...but I WILL change the things I can which is how I act.

The way I view it for myself is, that yes on a natural level, women will always be attractive to me- visually, sexually. And, it's known that the women who can be seen in porn will give that same effect as occurs naturally. So in that sense, one could say that the desire will always be there.

What has to change is the meaning we assign to women, porn and sex. If we're white-knuckling it, and trying to simply abstain from indulgence, the attraction and draw will always be there, because we see a meaning in it for ourselves- it's still the answer, forbidden, yes, but still the answer to our inward pain and brokenness.

However, without abstinence, it's hard to clear up our minds long enough to figure this stuff out. We need a clear head in order to find alternate, legitimate and healtheir methods of coping. But the next step needs to be taken beyond not acting out, to actually recovering. We must know that there's a difference between abstinence and recovery. In recovery, you're no longer white-knuckling it (always desiring it on some level), because now you've assigned a different meaning to porn, women and sex- they are no longer any kind of answer to your inward pain.

So, yes- there's a natural attraction and desire that we can sometimes shame ourselves about, but has nothing really to do with addiction.

But, no- we needn't be forever desirous of women, porn and sex (as in masturbation) in an addictive non-healthy way, because we've literally changed the meaning of these things for ourselves.

This is the difference between merely trying to abstain versus recovery in it's truest sense, which is to recover a healthy way of dealing with ourselves, with intimacy and identity, and with the opposite sex.

WOW. That CS Lewis quote really, really rocked me! Thanks for posting it. At this moment, I am out of my prison cage and struggling with the effects it has wrought for the past few decades. And more immediately, the effects it has had on my marriage of 17 years. Lewis was smart.I wonder if his essence lives on in my wife who basically said the same things to me these past few weeks in her own struggle to understand why and how she failed. Of course, I am the one who's failed - FAILED COMPLETELY - not her. I hope that in time I can make her understand this. It's been two weeks and I have had much longer stretches of no PMO but somehow let myself - nay, convince myself - that I can go back, that I can handle just a peek, that my actions will not hurt anyone else, that no one will know. But, it cannot be this time. And unlike previous attempts, I've found just this little support here in these words and among you men; support that I just cannot imagine myself finding in my local community or among peers and family.

So thanks again unchained. And Leon and Chile. All have written profoundly to me just here in this one thread.

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Leon

WOW. That CS Lewis quote really, really rocked me! Thanks for posting it. At this moment, I am out of my prison cage and struggling with the effects it has wrought for the past few decades. And more immediately, the effects it has had on my marriage of 17 years. Lewis was smart.I wonder if his essence lives on in my wife who basically said the same things to me these past few weeks in her own struggle to understand why and how she failed. Of course, I am the one who's failed - FAILED COMPLETELY - not her. I hope that in time I can make her understand this. It's been two weeks and I have had much longer stretches of no PMO but somehow let myself - nay, convince myself - that I can go back, that I can handle just a peek, that my actions will not hurt anyone else, that no one will know. But, it cannot be this time. And unlike previous attempts, I've found just this little support here in these words and among you men; support that I just cannot imagine myself finding in my local community or among peers and family.

So thanks again unchained. And Leon and Chile. All have written profoundly to me just here in this one thread.

You're welcome, GottaTry.

I can totally relate to that C.S. Lewis quote, perhaps we all could. It is quite the false freedom we think we enjoy, right?

I had that related to me in the form of a dream once. I was with my wife at this party, and we had to stay in what were called 'blue-rooms' where pretty tame stuff took place, but the 'red-rooms' were forbidden. But, unbeknownst to my wife, I'd sneak off to the 'red-rooms' where extra naughty stuff would take place.

This dream totally symbolized for me the double-life that I had effectively built up around that time in my life (2003). But, such a double-life, the one kills the other. If we have a 'successful' double-life, and can keep things a secret from our wife, the regular personae that we project around our wives and family simply becomes an outward shell of who we used to be, as the real person has died, killed from inside, by this thing called porn addiction.

Be well, G.T.

(By the way, tried to link to your journal, but I guess you haven't started one yet? )

« Last Edit: January 11, 2016, 08:36:28 PM by Leon »

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Chile

My downfall always starts with a little look. As someone struggling with addiction I'm not capable of letting in a little poison and then being OK. Just like Unchained said, once we get too close to that porn vortex there is not much that can stand in the way of a lapse. It's what I do with the desperate withdrawals that will decide my success in rebooting. I am trying to be aware of every emotion I'm feeling at any given time and why. This helps me know what I need to confront and what I can celebrate. Peace.