10 Baffling questions ‘Jupiter Ascending’ refused to answer

“Jupiter Ascending” is exactly what happens when you take a Yahoo Chat! role-playing room from the late 90s and give it a $200 million budget.

It has it all. A passive heroine who gets an extravagant wardrobe change every 20 minutes, a gruff and solitary love interest who also happens to be a mythical creature, and a villain who is ready for his close-up Mr. DeMille. It has monstrous alien hybrids from your pre-teen DeviantArt phase, fun explanations for everyday phenomenon, and a plot device to keep everyone young forever.

Basically, “Jupiter Ascending” is wonderful and awful and I adored every ambitious moment of insanity. But it never really coalesced into a recognizable story arc. Gorgeous visuals and balls-to-wall commitment to Sparkle Motion™ can only carry you far.

After the jump, ponder a fraction of the questions raised by the Wachowski siblings” ode to your teenage role-playing phase.