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Friday, August 11, 2017

I've lost a lot of weight lately from not having an appetite.
It started with my breakup and antidepressant withdrawals.
Now I've just adjusted and don't need to eat as often or as much.
Since I've lost weight, here have been some of the comments from those around me.
Mum: You look so skinny! (Compliment)
Female Friend: You're tiny (Jealous compliment)
Male Friend: You look gaunt (Insult?)
Male PT: Your ass is coming back! A girl's best feature is their ass (Sexist compliment)
Ex: Your ass might even be better now. (Compliment)

Every time I put an outfit on I have to reconsider and change, because it's now baggy and looks scruffy.
Every time someone mentions needing food or being hungry I have no response because I can't relate.
Every time I notice hunger pains it's a struggle to decide what I want to eat. Do I want to eat? Am I hungry? It's such a foreign feeling now I honestly can't even tell.
Every time I go to the kitchen I try and eat even just some nuts, but without the saliva production from appetite or hunger nothing is palatable.

I don't know why this seems so pressing to me. I have no idea whether I'm right in saying that if I'm not hungry I don't need to be eating. I don't know why I'm stressing about it or even if I'm stressing about it.
And even if I am, I don't know if I can change it.
Maybe I am just less hungry than before. Maybe I was overeating from my medication. There is every possibility in the world that my body will be entirely okay with the amount of calories I'm consuming.
I'm not dizzy, I'm not hungry, I'm not weak. My concentration is a little fuzzy but that's because of stress and emotions.
Why do the "compliments" bother me so much? Why does society seem to put so much pressure on a woman's weight? Does it? Society is a social construct, and the people in my life seem to care about my weight so I guess it does.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Someone finds you.
Someone finds you, and others find out.
How would you cope, walking in to a room of death?
The morbid sorrow hangs in the air,
Unspoken weight that fills your thoughts.
Matter cannot be created, nor can it be destroyed.
The pain you feel, your memories, your thoughts,
Passed on to the next.
You need not suffer alone,
What lives in you has forever lived.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

So before I get into this I'd like to state that I've been lowering my antidepressant dose with the hopes of getting down to just 20mg of Prozac a day.
One thing I've noticed is just how much I think at any given moment.
And the fact that when I see a thought, it sparks more thought. Why do I think this? Why do I feel this way? Etc.
I'm hoping I can portray that adequately in this post, and I also hope nobody hates the fact that this is literally just stream of consciousness, not properly written by any stretch of the imagination, just me letting my thoughts out, processing it and maybe coming to conclusions.

Lately, I've been going through some stuff. A break up being the biggest thing. Well, the only thing. But it's hard! This was a relationship that, while short lived, ticked all my boxes. As did the person I was with. One thing I've noticed I do is bottle it up. The only person I feel comfortable talking to about my feelings beyond my psychologist and pet dog back in Sydney is the person that is now trying to move on.
In the past I've realised that my need to keep my feelings to myself has stemmed from always playing counsellor for other people. (You can't burden people with your problems if you're the person they come to with theirs.) I guess that was a sense of responsibility I had to them to some extent.
But now I'm noticing that this fear of worrying other people with my problems has grown to something bigger. It's like, I don't have anyone I can tell and even if I did I can't fix/change it, same goes for feeling it soooooo no point feeling it.
I think it was last Saturday. I was doing the first Headspace guided meditation thing and the instruction was "let your brain do whatever it wants" and I burst into tears. After that I went to bed and cried some more. I was in bed crying on and off all day. That's great! That's progress! But it took me 3 weeks to get to that stage and then after I was done with that I went back to filling my time and mind with other things.
I'd love to talk to someone about it but again, they don't wanna hear my shit and talking won't do anything.
I go to work, I make videos, I pretend to study, I watch videos and I pretend I don't feel and I don't know what that means.
I also have a habit of asking the person (I hate saying "my ex", sounds too real) about their progress in single life/break up life/etc. I'm always disappointed/hurt,
To the point of being ill thinking about the things mentioned.
Why do I keep doing it? I don't know. In the hopes of something different I think. In the hopes that he'll say it's hard for him too, that he misses me, that he hasn't felt anything for anyone else, whatever. Just something to validate my experience. To feel like I'm not alone.
And maybe that's why people talk to their friends about this stuff? But I don't get that. I try, but it doesn't work.
Another thing I wish I could understand is my need to talk to him, when I know it'll only cause pain. Is it a love of pain or a lack of love for myself? Is it denial? Ignoring the break up?
And beyond all this, if I know he's doing these things that are causing me so much pain, why am I still messaging him things I know he'll like? Why am I putting myself on a level to get his attention?
Part of the reason his actions are hurting me is because of the emotion or belief I have surrounding them, which every person will differ on. The fact that I find it incredibly romantic to tickle a guys head, doesn't mean anyone else should. But for whatever reason, thinking about him getting head tickles hurts.
I realised the other day I like affection. I'm an affectionate person. BUT! Even with affection I need an emotional connection to get on that level.

I guess I just miss him. I don't like that it's over. I liked us. I love him. It's hard adjusting to knowing that something that felt so good could not work.
He ticked all my boxes. Our relationship was the greatest I've had. It was exactly what I wanted. And while I know that you have to take the bad with the good, I just can't believe that something so good didn't last.
I did kinda say this tho, I told myself I didn't care about getting hurt, I was going to enjoy him while I had him. So what if I don't anymore?
It's not a fear of being single, I like my company. If someone can fit into my life as easily as he did, I wouldn't say no (provided they fill my requirements and we're compatible and I'm ready etc)
And yet this ache in my chest and the feeling of being physically ill won't subside.
I want to distract myself, but I can't.
I would let myself indulge in it but I can't guarantee I'd get out of it.
I want to message him for advice but we'd be back at square one.
I was going to ask "how have I never had this much of an intense break up" but then I realised I've also not had the same intensity in relationship, equal and opposite reaction I suppose.

I guess I should go back to pretending to study for tomorrow's exam and hope I don't actually throw up, idk

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

As a child I loved reading. I'd read 15 novels a year.
With adulthood came a decline in my reading, as is the same for a lot of people.
I noticed I never thought of it, never looked at books, never made lists of books to read, just let it go to the wayside.

And then 2017 Kate came along and was like "BITCH WE'RE GONNA READ THIS YEAR!"
So I figured I'd share my personal reading list to help keep me accountable.
Each title is linked to Amazon so if you want to get it yourself it helps me out too.

Okay okay okay, I have a really long book list.
Buying all of these books would be a complete pain in the ass. Add on shipping, having to put them somewhere, moving them when I move, BOOKS ARE A STRUGGLE!
You've probably noticed that I have used Amazon links for each of the books mentioned, mainly because I love Amazon and it has absolutely everything.
So much so that I didn't even realise they had an UNLIMITED KINDLE SUBSCRIPTION. ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
I DIED.
For $10USD a month, you can read as many books as you want digitally, meaning no need for shipping and storing them. You could even read multiple books at once if you wanted! (I am way too ADHD for that but nothing stopping you!)
Better yet? Your first 30 days are free if you click here and sign up!
I cannot wait to start reading more and even reviewing books for you guys! URGH! So exciting!

Thursday, March 2, 2017

As some of you may be aware recently my mother has moved back to Brisbane and has offered me to live with her in her apartment.
At first I was hesitant because my mum and I don't get along when she is under the influence, but once I was sure she had undertaken the appropriate measures to move beyond that I started considering it, coming up with the following pros and cons which leave me pretty much completely lost.

I currently live in an amazing house with plenty of room to invite guests over and entertain.
With that, I also have the freedom to drink if I want to.
I own an incredible queen sized bed with luxurious linen and enjoy sleeping in the complete darkness and silence this place provides me.
I am conveniently located between 2 major shopping centres and close to an Aldi for emergency grocery top ups if necessary.
The kitchen is spacious and equipped with a gas stove and plenty of cupboard space, not that I use much anyway.
I have established my filming set up and can stream without audio or personal interruptions.
I have my own bathroom with enough cupboard space for all the products I own.
I can retreat to my room to avoid noise or interactions with other people.
My bedroom has enough room for me to have my desk, bed, shelving and a filming spot.

However, there are down sides to everything, including the location I'm currently in.

NBN has promised HFC in our area meaning we need to wait another year before internet speeds that will allow for a standard definition stream or the ability to watch a livestream.
Public transport to locations other than the 2 shopping centres I live by is difficult and requires multiple changes.
No convenient location for topping up my go card.
Very few convenient places for outdoor recreation.

Which brings me to the potential wins for living with my mother.

Telstra Velocity is available, meaning 30mbps down and 5mbps up average speeds.
Saving $50/week on rent.
Bonding with my mother.
Located near parks and other entertainment.
A brief walk away from the city.
Convenient public transport options.
Being a hotel/apartment complex it is incredibly secure.
Full length mirror in my bedroom.
Living with someone who can (and will) hold me accountable and push me to do better.
Someone to share clothes with.
Someone to prepare and eat meals with.
Large balcony for entertaining.
Gym equipment available for use in the building (albeit minimal).

Although, it's not all daisies and rainbows.

It's a shoe box apartment with very limited room.
Old lighting fixtures and poorly placed windows for natural lighting.
I would be streaming in the living room where my mother watches TV. LOUDLY.
I can't think of a location for filming.
Being close to the city means a consistently higher level of background noise.
My room may not fit my bed, and certainly won't fit my storage units.
Moving would require me to disassemble and transport my furniture.
Smaller wardrobe for me and having to share that with my mother as we both have lots of clothing.
No drinking policy. Not a blanket rule but out of respect for my mother I would want to avoid alcohol.
Living with a smoker where my bedroom opens up onto the balcony where my mother smokes.
Damaged relationship and communication barriers that could lead to emotional disturbances.

So. Without trying too hard to make an extensive list, these are the main concerns I have as far as deciding whether or not to live with my mother.
For the time my mum is happy that I have decided to stay here for a while and I do visit often for "sleepovers" as I continue to test the idea.
As I test the idea I may come up with solutions to the problems for either location, but only time will tell.
If you can think of solutions to some of the cons I'm all ears, please let me know!

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Yes, I acknowledge it's February now. Yes, I am aware most people start their "New Year New Me" nonsense in January. No I'm not going to apologise that I'm only starting in February.

Habits can be formed at any stage during the year, and my habits for 2017 and my motivation just so happens to be starting in February.

One thing I, and probably a lot of you, struggle with is routine and organisation. I am awful when it comes to remembering things, thinking about what needs to be done, keeping track of my time and actually getting things done.

In the past, I've blamed it on potential ADHD, low attention span from constantly consuming multiple forms of content at any given moment and poor habit forming as a child and young adult by indulging in my laziness, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what is causing my inability to finish tasks and adhere to a deadline, the fact is I need to do something about it.

My psychologist introduced me to bullet journaling when I first came to her with the concern of forgetfulness and, while I liked the idea and tried to get on board generally, I didn't fully commit.
I never forced myself into a habit of using my journal and I was too focused on making it fit a structure without even knowing what I wanted the structure to be.

It was a few months of sometimes writing important events in a book and hoping that I looked at it before the date presented itself and randomly writing what I wanted to do without any direction.
It wasn't until a YouTuber I've been subscribed to for a while, Sarah Hawkinson, uploaded a "plan with me" video, which reminded me of the original structure and reason behind using a bullet journal format that I decided to take it seriously and try get a routine down.
It also opened my eyes to different people in the "BuJo" community on YouTube and allowed me to explore and become addicted to the idea of bullet journaling.

Before I move on to my arsenal of bullet journaling tools and equipment, I'll list off the bujo YouTuber's that I have no subscribed to for inspiration:

Now you have a rough idea of what bullet journaling can be like, here are some links for my personal fave bujo supplies!

Amazon is my favourite place to look for supplies and equipment; it has everything you need at amazing prices.

One thing I need from my bullet journal is transport and portability.
A lot of people prefer A3 soft cover for that reason and I've found the Northbooks Notebook Journal is great for that.
The dot grid leaves flexibility for you to create whatever design you want for different spreads but if you prefer lined or lined grid you do have those options available to you as well.

Pens are a personal decision, but for the most part I've found that felt tip pens on good paper force better handwriting, and the top of the line are definitely the Faber Castell Pitt Artist Pens and for colour, the Tombow Dual Ended Brush Pens are amazing for anyone wanting to try their hand at calligraphy (get it?)

Obviously the beauty of bullet journaling is complete freedom to be as artistic or clinical as you like, so for those of you with absolutely no intention of being artsy, but simply wanting to add some flare with colour, perhaps washi tape or these gorgeous Zebra Mildliners to go over and highlight or colour in words.

And here are some things I've personally decided to keep track of in monthly trackers and in the calendars.

Tracker:

Leaving the house

All hygiene

Exercise

Logging my meals/IIFYM

Laundry

Groceries

Every day I finish a task I colour in the corresponding box in my monthly tracker.

Calendars:

Last repeat on prescriptions

Blood test dates

Therapy and doctor sessions

Assessment due dates and exams

Medication repeats/when I need to buy different medications

Different anniversary's and birthdays

This basically ensures that I never run out of medication or miss an appointment.

If you're still confused or want to see what I do with mine let me know and I'll try make a video about my journal for you :)

Saturday, February 11, 2017

This month has been bad. Like, suicidal thoughts bad. And no, I'm not just saying that to be dramatic or in a beg for sympathy and I hope you see that by reading this post.

Where do I begin.
Let's start with the smallest piece of news and move on to the worst.

Some of you may know that I kind of started seeing someone. Nothing serious, just a few dates, getting to know each other and really just hanging out.
Perhaps I should preface what I'm about to say with the fact that I have seriously bad trust issues. I automatically assume I'm being used for sex or being laughed at and used as the butt end of a joke. Maybe you knew this by my utter refusal to even go on a date with anyone and my outspoken abstinence and "asexuality".
Yes, I suffer from a very low libido. Both my therapist and I believe this to be a lack of trust in anyone.

So now is when I hope you understand how big of a deal it was for me to agree to even one date, let alone 5 with the same guy.
And now I drop the ball and tell you that I did that dumb thing of trusting and letting myself have feelings.

I know, there shouldn't be any problem with that, I got the signal that he was interested in me as an individual and opened up. When I told him I think I have feelings for him, he was flustered and decided to tell me, via Snapchat the next day that he isn't looking for a relationship or anything.
Again, should be a non-issue.
But it stung like a bitch.

That very same day! I get a knock on my bedroom door from my housemate letting me know that I have someone wanting to see me. I don't know how much I can or cannot say about this particular visit but the nature of it was negative.
As I read over some paperwork that, again, I can't divulge much about, I discover that something I thought was completely done and dusted is being kept alive in what I can only believe to be spite or hatred as I have moved on from the initial issue and worked to build my own business and succeed in my education pursuits.
Some of this issue I am left waiting to hear more regarding, the larger portion I am having to disrupt my life and schedule to deal with.
It may be hard to tell from the vagueness that is me trying to stay somewhat private regarding this matter, but it's incredibly stressful and has been for years now.

And lastly, the day after these 2 matters left me emotionally crippled, I get a call from my dad.
My mother admitted herself to a detox facility on approximately the 31st of January. My brother had informed my dad on the 6th of February that the hospital had called him to request permission to keep her against her will to continue treatment on other ongoing health concerns.
MY YOUNGER BROTHER HAD TO MAKE THE DECISION FROM ANOTHER STATE WHETHER OR NOT HE SHOULD LET A HOSPITAL KEEP HIS MOTHER BECAUSE OF HER OVERALL POOR HEALTH.

I'm sorry, can you imagine being 18 years old, enrolling in university, living in shared accommodation and paying rent for the first time in your life, finally having adult responsibilities like paying bills, buying groceries and waking yourself up for work each morning while juggling the red tape and paperwork necessary to apply for a student loan as your mother neglected to ensure you were prepared for legal paperwork like this, only to be called and tasked with signing away your mother's right to discharge from what everyone thought would be a simple 7 day detox?
Imagine having not seen your mother for a month, and having a hospital tell you she's too sick to look after herself.

Needless to say when my father let me know that my poor baby brother had to make the decision to sign her rights away essentially, I was in tears.
Once we found out which hospital she was in I was on 3 busses to go see her.

When I got there she had been 30mins in the hospital, had a feeding tube, couldn't talk, couldn't stand or walk and was talking about things that made no sense.
I tried to get as much information as I could from my mother, only to realise her sense of reality was incredibly warped and she wasn't allowed any food or water as she would aspirate (it would end up in her lungs and she would choke/drown/cough it up).
The nurses were short with me because my mother was (is) rather taxing and they had little information on why she was there either.

I requested to be placed as next of kin, so as to avoid my brother being burdened with any more hospital calls, and had my details placed on my mother's file.
A few days later my brother messages me to let me know they called him to ask permission to perform an MRI on my mother's potentially damaged brain.
Again, I go storming up to the hospital to request my brother stop being called and to have myself as the next of kin. While I'm there I try speaking with my mum.
According to her she had been grocery shopping and needed me to help put groceries in the fridge. She offered one of the nurses butter because apparently she had bought 2. She also spoke about my brother and her going for burgers in the city.

My mother was hallucinating and had an even worse grip on reality.

On Friday my aunt and I decided to see if we could speak with my mother's doctor (my aunt just so happens to be a nurse at the hospital my mother is in and was working on Friday). I finally got to see everything the hospital was doing for my mum and hear some results from all the testing they have put her through.

Her brain is fine (ish).
Her ability to eat is coming back.
An infection caused the confusion.
She isn't on diazepam anymore and is completely sober.
She is malnourished and being filled with vitamins and minerals.
She still can't walk but it will come back with physiotherapy and rehabilitation.
She will be in hospital for as long as it takes for her to be infection free, self feeding and a healthy weight. Then she will go to physical rehabilitation to build strength and functional movements.
Upon such a time as this checklist is complete, her discharge will be reassessed and I should have my mum back.

Then she is my responsibility.
I can't tell whether I'll move in with her or not. I can't tell whether she'll stay sober or not. I can't tell whether she'll ever be the same again. I can't tell whether she'll need/accept my help.
I can only be hopeful, and as long as she's in the hospital I still have my own mental health to be concerned about as well as the other things mentioned in this post.

To anyone who read this whole post, my love and gratitude for your patience and understanding. I kinda hope you're not too empathetic because this hurts and I don't want anyone to feel the pain I'm tasked with.
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