An inch away from the end

I can't take any more. I don't want to be alive. Been trying to convince myself over the last few days that things will get better, that it is worth hanging on to what little hope I could. It's gone disappeared. I just want to be dead. I don't want to have to exist on this earth forever feeling this way. Nothing is worth this much agony. Nothing could explain how much I've had to endure. Nothing could ever take it away or make it better. I'm struggling so much to reach out for help. Getting desperate, nothing is working. Even left an answerphone message this morning for my nurse and still no response. I hate answer phones and always just hang up. I keep praying that I could just die because this pain is too great. My life has been nothing but heartache and everything I touch goes wrong, everyone I get close too ends up getting infected with whatever is wrong with my own life. I hate me, I feel like I don't have any other options left but to die.

I don't see how things can get any better. I think I've used all my allotted energy and endurance. Maybe this is the time. I mean there is only so much one person can endure and cope with in a lifetime. I've had my lot, worn out too many sets of shoes.

I feel the same as you, but I constantly remind myself of the good moments and that the negative feelings will pass. Yes, they do come back to haunt me every once in awhile, but they do go away. Stay strong, Fleurise.

Thinking maybe I should include a little details. But scared about how it will affect some people.
My childhood was very controlled and emotionally abused. Physically at times too. A lot I don't remember because my mind has blocked out huge chunks of my life, some sort of protection I think. I do know that I was locked outside from under the age of five by my mother. She was very controlling and so now I don't have much contact, maybe a couple of times a year. A person I knew growing up told me she remembered coming to my house and that she never touched my colouring books, I asked her why, and she told me because you weren't allowed to go over the lines, and everything had to be the correct colours e.g. elephants had to be grey and couldn't be purple. Also watching cartoons I remember that you weren't allowed to laugh, if you did tv was switched off and you were either sent to your room or made to do housework. If you were told to clean your room, you did, because if it wasn't exactly put away where it was suppose to be it got put out in the rubbish.
So life growing up wasn't fun, and I left home without emotions. Almost wish I had none now.
At 16 I was sexually abused by an employer, someone I was babysitting for and I never told my parent because I didn't trust them. Self harming started at around 19 years.
By 21 I was in the mental health system and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression and Anxiety disorder. At age 25 I was gang raped by six men after being pulled under a bridge. I didn't have the confidence to report it. Later that year I started a relationship with a guy who was very abusive and controlling. I wasn't allowed to leave the house without him. He used to beat me up and raped me. I got out after six month when I fought back, he had held a blade to my throat and was going to kill me.
In 2007 my Dad died of a stroke and during the 5 days that took, my mother told me it was my fault.
In December of 2008 I got engaged to my late husband and he saved my life. My illness took a turn and I stopped self harm and suicide attempts. Four and a half years of total remission.
January 2012 I finally got married to the only person in my life who ever loved me, truly loved me.
By February of the following year he was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer and there was nothing I could do to save the man who had saved me. I watched him slowly waste away and become less himself until in July he died.
August 2013 my mother who I limit contact with for my own sanity, had surgery and found out two weeks later she has cancer.
I myself have a body that sometimes feels like a 70 year old even though I'm only 40. Fibromyalgia, at least they think that waiting for finally diagnosis.
I don't have it in me to endure any more pain or heartache.
I don't know what to do to stop what is going on in my head.

That must have been really traumatic for you Fleurise, and you have been really strong.

Is there anything you want to achieve? Like a goal? Maybe you can look to that and work to achieving it. I know the past cannot be altered or forgotten, I wish it could be, but perhaps we can look to the future instead of letting the past dictate our present.

Hon, trust me... I understand most all of what you've been through and are going through. The only thing I have not personally experienced in that is fibromylagia. While I am saying that though, I also want to emphasize I am truly truly sorry you have felt ANY of those pains, nobody should ever experience them... especially people that are as good as you. One thing I want you to remind yourself of though... I know your deepest and greatest pain is the passing of your husband... so , keep in mind, he saved you time and time again from yourself... I know he doesn't want to be the reason you end it... and if you ended it now, that would pretty much be the reason. Instead of making him be the reason for you to end it... make him be the reason you live... let the words and the love he gave you in the past, wash over you again and again and hear those words that he said to you when you got so depressed and feel the love he poured on you... listen to songs that bring back your happy memories... relive those memories, glory in them... when the pain gets too much, shut them off, and then go cry, scream, write, talk it out... but let that pain out. Its not til you get the pain out, that you can glory in the awesome man he was and the great joy he brought you or what a impact he made in this world. It's time for you to let go ... a little bit, yes... not all the way though, never all the way. Always keep him with you.. in your heart, just dont let those painful memories overshadow the good, let them air out... let yourself feel, then let yourself heal. Always remember you stil have people here that care about you ... and that will be there for you. I care what happens to you hon... don't quit the fight... stay in it, for your husband's memory and his honor and for yourself... make your impact on this world. That's what he wanted for you... go out and find it, and then make it happen! *hug

Thanks cottoncandy and Dawn, appreciate your friendships on here. Still hurts so much even thinking of staying alive without my husband and I don't think I can be strong any more. That part of me has been worn thin. Hope to be able to be on use on here again some day. I'm still trying. I want to give up but knowing people care on here makes that hard. Guess that's why we all come here to a point.

You dont have to be strong hon... you need to heal... To do that you need to let yourself feel... and let yourself cry and grieve and get angry and just raelly.... let your emotions go.... dont do too much at once, like i said... but let them out. Let us be here for you... you deserve it too! *hugs*

hi Fleurise. I am so sorry for the pain you have been through. The abuse, both mental and physical and sexual. The death of your beloved husband. You have expereinced a lot in your life.

I hear you when you say that you are grieving because of the loss of your husband. The person who helped bring you back to what i call the true self. He helped restore that in you.

Grieving can be so very hard. i remember when my father died. i was 29. He was all I had. My mother was quite destructive and abusive toward me. When he died I lost the only person who i felt really loved me. It took me so many years to deal with it.

The loss never fully heals. But it can get better. Sometimes i think that when we lose someone to death or otherwise, we also lose sight of that part of ourselves that they saw and nurtured. Shamans talk about this. Its like they show us a part of ourselves. They see and hold it for us because we cannot do that for ourselves. When they leave or die, that part feels gone. So then its grieving 2 things.

To many what I have said is utter nonsense. And that is alright. It may well
BE nonsense. But if it is true, then I did want to tell you that the part of you that he saw is not lost. it is your true self. And you can somehow get it back. While alive. Its the true you. This is my thought. It may be totally not right for how you think. And if so, then I apologize.

I do hope you will stay. You ARE a part of this community of people who care so much about each other. I am so very and deeply sorry for your loss. For your wounding. And for the physical pain that you are in. I hope you can find your way through the grieving process. It will not heal the loss of your dear husband. But it will help with some of the pain you are understandably in. I am also sorry that you are in so much physical pain. I am glad you wrote about it all. You did the right thing in doing so. To me, the more people talk about the significant things in their past, the more the eyes and mouth and ears are painted in the portrait of who they are. This helps me to know people here. For which I am grateful :hug: inkheart: :hugtackles: