Now that we’re well into the browns and burnt umbers of Fall, full of Pumpkin Spice lattes and head colds, let’s take a look at what’s new and exciting on our TV’s! ‘Cause it ain’t been the performance of the Jets thus far.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND

This is a story about a girl trapped in a magical realm where everything is topsy-turvy and all rules of logic fly out the window. Av’s atop the division?! Patrick Roy is the Cheshire Cat, undoubtedly. Scheifele and Setoguchi getting more ice-time than Frolik who has outscored them both? Claude Noel, you’re the wacky, inscrutable Mad Hatter!

LUCKY 7

Wow, this show got canceled after only 2 episodes! I have no idea what it was about. Here’s a lucky seven: Wheeler, Scheifele, Setoguchi, Slater, Wright, Halischuk, Tangradi. Lucky to be called “NHL-caliber offense”. Now I know you’re only counting on 3 of those guys to score (Wheeler is coming along with 4 points, Setoguchi’s 3 were in a single game, I dunno what Scheifele’s deal is) but they’re also a collective minus 6 right now. Maybe it would be easier to ask them to put the puck into their own net and just save everybody the hassle. We can’t, unfortunately, cancel this show. It’s on all season whether we like it or not.

MASTERCHEF JUNIOR

Precocious kids cook stuff! Jacob Trouba makes a soufflé that doesn’t rise to the occasion. Mark Scheifele promises Beef Wellington, delivers curly fries from Arby’s that he picked up on the way to the rink. Gordon Ramsay berates them and sends them off crying to their parents. (**Update – Ramsay went and drove Trouba right into the boards on Friday. Jesus, that guy does not mess around in the kitchen. Get better, Jacob!)

THE BLACKLIST

James Spader stars as James Spader solving crimes or critiquing fashion or possibly something really racist – one of the three. The first episode pits him against the diabolical genius of the NHL Disciplinary Committee as he tries to figure out the criteria for suspensions. Maxime LaPierre guest stars as an assassin called “The Greasy Weasel”.

HOSTAGES

A reality series about Jets fans. And killing the President. (Jets President, Jim Ludlow?! What did he ever do to you, Dermott Mulroney? I have it on good authority that Ludlow enjoyed The Practice. Not Jets practices, those are dismal, but the old David. E. Kelly lawyer show.)

THE MICHAEL J. FOX SHOW

Look, I’m not going to make some joke about Parkinson’s, alright? What kind of a-hole do you think I am? I will say this though: this show is unfunny. You really want to like it because who could you possibly want to root for more than Mike Fox? He’s the second-most inspirational Fox there is, right behind Terry and just ahead of The Fantastic Mister! So, you watch dutifully and you try to make yourself laugh but a dry wheeze comes out instead. If you can’t imagine the sensation, listen to the Jets broadcast team trying to find bright lights in the fog of the team’s typical nightly performance – you can hear what they feel. Before the big comeback in the third against the Blues on Friday, they digressed for a couple minutes to talk about the MLB playoffs. Sure, boys, why not?

SLEEPY HOLLOW

Any defense pairing other than Byfuglien and Enstrom. It’s your choice as to whom to name “Sleepy” and whom to name “Hollow” on any given tandem. I’m not that mean. But you are. And you’re right to be. If I may comment about the actual show “Sleepy Hollow”: it’s the most ludicrous premise ever put on television. I haven’t missed an episode. It’s kinda rad.

ALMOST HUMAN

A new high-concept genre series from the only man apparently allowed to make science fiction anymore, JJ Abrams. This hasn’t aired yet, but it’s about a robot cop who looks human but is a robot…cop. Evander Kane plays the brilliant machine fighting alongside puny mortals. He can’t do it alone, jerks!! I just feel bad for him so far this season. Who took Wheeler’s hands and replaced them with novelty plastic Hulk fists? The rest of the scorers will come around, right? Can’t tell you – hasn’t aired yet. JJ Abrams is very top secret-hush-hush about the scripts. I do have it on good authority though that Andrew Ladd will be playing Kane’s cybernetic sidekick, “Andrew-Lad”! Exciting!

Well, there you have it folks – tune in as you see fit. I know we complain that there’s nothing good to watch but it all can’t be HBO, okay? At best maybe some of the roles will be recast, like they did back on Roseanne with Becky or Darrin on Bewitched! Wouldn’t you like to see Evegeni Malkin as Devin Setoguchi? That would be amazing. That would be like seeing Brad Pitt in dinner theatre. Never gonna happen but it’s a fun thought. Hell, at this point, I’d take Simone Gagner as Setoguchi. I think he’s doing Death of A Salesmen in Lethbridge. Call him. And don’t forget to PVR Sleepy Hollow.

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
2 get through this thing called life
Electric word life
It means forever and that's a mighty long time
But I'm here 2 tell u
There's something else...
U can follow me on Twitter if that's your bag: @ebheater

Rhys: It's true, the Spader/LaPierre hype has been building for years. They're they DeNiro/Pacino of our time. Rumour has it that their project will be a sequel to Sex, Lies and Videotape in which Spader films LaPierre repeatedly sticking his finger in Patrice Bergeron's (played by Adam Scott) mouth. Spader plays a tormented Canucks fan who can only be aroused by reminders of how close they came to winning the Stanley Cup.

That might be the grossest show I've ever heard of, Ross. I'm trashing the comment, even though this "James Spader" person seems to be to blame. Doesn't everyone just watch Arrested Development and Seinfeld on a loop? You know, in between watching The Wire marathons and writing Star Trek fan fiction?