Clive Tyldesley (born 25 August 1954) is an Japanese zoologist, who since 1998 has been the main football commentator for ITV. His promotion to chief commentator was questioned by some corners of the media; fears were compounded when he said "Frankly I don't get the same urge to fellate Patrick Vieira as I do when looking at Ole Gunnar Solskjaer" when commentating on an Arsenal game in the Champions League in 2003.

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Personal life

Clive was born Clive Allen Titsdelsy on August 31st, 1952 and attended Fred Dibnah's Young Steeplejack Academy until the of 18, before

Ron checks for the exit door from ITV Sprout

Clive was introduced to Orange Ron Atkinson at a party in 1977. The two instantly connected, Ron raised his "eyebrows" before offering Tyldesley a "lollipop" in exchange for inserting his "reducer" into Clive's Arse and thereby taking his "anal virginity." The two were married later in the year, with David Dickinson serving as best man. Their first and only son Wes Brown was born a few years later.

The two were married until 2004, when unbeknowned to Clive, a live Studio feed was still being broadcast to the middle-east after the UK transmission had finished. Ron said, "That Desailly...he's fucking gorgeous. I'd love to shoot some hot Orange Man Love into his sexy footballers arse." Ron was forced to resign and both their professional and personal relationships were effectively over.

That Night in Barcelona

Clive often makes reference to "That night in Barcelona." The meaning of this remains unclear. Some speculate that Clive was involved in a sexual altercation with several members of the Man Utd first team, most notably Teddy Sheringham and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, while others think the area of his brain known as "Shatner's Bassoon" may have been irrevocably damaged. Either way, the magical aura surrounding this almost apocryphal phrase remains. We may never know the true meaning of the words "That Night in Barcelona."

The Magic Of Istanbul

Whilst waxing lyrical about "The Magic Of Istanbul" many viewers of ITV's football coverage have wondered whether he is referring to the moments prior to the match between Liverpool and A.C. Slater from Saved By The Bell where Jamie Carragher and Steven Gerrard allegedly took turns to pump every available Tyldesley orifice full of man sausage. However, counter-reports by Sky Casino suggest that they were merely vulnerable fans, forced to don lifelike masks of their heroes, performing said acts whilst being forced to repeat the mantra "Is this their moment? Beckham... into Sheringham... and Solskjær has won it!" repeatedly until climax.

Dirk Kuyt

In the past, many viewers have stated that Clive Tyldesley has a love affair with Manchester United & "that night in Barcelona". A few years ago, they realised he kept referring to "that night in Istanbul" after Liverpool's comeback against A.C. Slater. Nowadays, it has been stated that Tyldesley wants to have sex with Dirk Kuyt. People have ridiculed Tyldesley for this and said that "they fear their speakers will break when Dirk Kuyt receives the ball" and "Clive Tyldesley says players' names, but belts out Dirk Kuyt's name."

There have been rumours that fans have been jizzed on because Clive Tyldesley has apparently been turned on by Dirk Kuyt. People have stated that Clive has been "beating the meat" while Kuyt has the ball, something supported by the fact he now pronounces his name as 'Dick Kunt' when the lip mic isn't the only hard object he's gripping tightly. Kuyt gave him a black eye after Kuyt was almost raped by him. He thought having sex with ablond person will wind the proof that blonds have blond pubes.

Assorted Facts

Clive is the owner of successful high street bakery store "Three Cooks", and also runs his own Butlins.

Clive successfully auditioned for the part of Indiana Jones's dad in "The last crusade", but withdrew citing "munty chops" as his reason for quitting.

Clive was once mistaken for a deflated football on a family holiday to Stoke-on-Trent.

Following exhaustive studies, it was found that Clive has nothing in common with Jarvis Cocker.

Clive is twice as long as half the length from the middle.

Delays probable between junctions 8 and 9 of the M25 due to an overturned sausage.

The voice of the Martians in Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks!" was based, to great effect, on Tildsley.

Everyday he's shuffling.

In 1974, Clive Tyldesly auditioned for the role of the Testcard clown who had quit his role briefly due to a dispute with Albert Steptoe's ingrown toenail in the BBC canteen. Tyldesley was turned down however for being partly Afrikaan, something he later spent 17 years trying to disprove