True Stories From The Emergency Room

A 28-year old male was
brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several
nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and
chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make
the nitroglycerin explode.

A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a
complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had
inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia
shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina
Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he
could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good
condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the
search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was
sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's
jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided
that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The
officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

A woman with shortness of breath and who
weighed approximately 500lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While
trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm.
After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast
was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV
remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as
"The Human Couch".

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was
rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving
birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!"
At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What
the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying
"Whore! Whore! Whore!"

A 40-year old man and his wife were playing
with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on
his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills
and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of
the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. We're having a Butt-luck
supper". (How embarrassing is that!)

An unconscious 36-year old male was brought
to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a
catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty
dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the
nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His
response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"

An elderly woman came into the ER
complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam
verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further
inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and
looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus
was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then
forgot about it.

The most non-emergent ER visit: A male
adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

A young female came to the ER with lower
abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active.
The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went
back to the young female's room.

Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy
test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"

Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I
just lay there."

Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who
the father is?"

Patient: "No. Who?"

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher
with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank"
(methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing
with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he
might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said
questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"

A 19-year old female was asked why she was
in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and
she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and
"gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."