Military absentee ballots delivered one day late, would have swung election for Clinton

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources confirmed today that hundreds of thousands of military absentee ballots were delivered hours after the deadline for them to be counted, with preliminary counts showing that they would have overturned the vote in several states and brought a victory for Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton.

Officials say the ballots were delivered late due to problems within the military mail system.

Tracking invoices show the ballots sat in a warehouse for a month before they were accidentally labeled as ammunition and shipped to Afghanistan. At Camp Dwyer, Marine Sgt. John Davis signed for them and was surprised at the contents.

“I told Gunny we got a bunch of ballots instead of ammo,” Davis told investigators earlier today. “He told me to file a report of improper delivery and that the chain of command would take care of it. We didn’t hear anything for three weeks.”

He added: “While we were waiting, we came under fire so we dumped a bunch of them in the Hesco barriers. We didn’t dig those ones back out.”

After military officials realized the initial error, the ballots were then sent back to the U.S. but suffered a series of setbacks.

Twelve boxes of ballots were dropped overboard during delivery to the USS Kearsarge (LHD-3) in the Persian Gulf, then while the ship sailed to Bahrain, postal clerks allegedly pocketed whatever ballots they wanted.

The remaining absentee ballots were loaded onto a C-130, but the flight was delayed until November 1st so the crew could get tax free pay for the month. Once the ballots arrived stateside they were promptly mailed to each state’s counting facility, reaching their final destination on November 9th.

“It’s a shame,” Rear Adm. John Dawes said, when asked for comment. “I expected a delay so I ordered that everyone cast their votes eight months ago. It’s really unfortunate that our mail system failed us and directly affected the course of history.”

Upon hearing the news, angry Democrats have demanded a recount, but most military absentee voters have shrugged off the news, with many wondering whether the care packages their families sent six months ago were ever going to show up.

Pentagon forms community of disinterest to plan Iran war

WASHINGTON — Recognizing that overthrowing the terror-sponsoring Iranian government requires a whole-of-Trump approach, the defense and White House officials recently convened a secret interagency planning team at the Pentagon, sources confirmed today.

Its goal: to plan a soup-to-koloocheh ground invasion of the intractable Persian country.But the meeting was quickly dubbed a “community of disinterest,” according to sources. While over 50 high-level West Wing appointees were present, other Departments — including the host — sent low-level staffers or even term hires nearing the end of their appointments. Defense was reportedly represented by a single procurement specialist recently hired from the civilian sector. And State sent a cleaning crew that had finished its work early.

“There was just no interest,” said a banking policy analyst from Treasury.

Homeland Security, however, did send a decision maker: senior executive Michelle Daenerys, who is head of Enforcement and Removal Policy. However, Daenerys told reporters that she wouldn’t be back and that she expects to be named Secretary in a few days.

“Given the never-ending Game of Fools that goes on at DHS,” she said, “I need to brush up on scorched-earth policies so I can fix this migrant thing down there on the border between Colorado and Mexico.”

The Pentagon meeting reportedly adjourned without mission analysis being conducted or courses of action developed. Sources said that even a coffee fund set up for the meeting received only thirty-five cents, a found CAC card and a USAID pin in contributions.

A source reported that the Mustache of John Bolton was seen brushing furiously against the faces of attendees and hissing, “Kill! Kill!” When questioned by media, Mustache said that cremating Persians in a vicious ground war is the best way to win the hearts and minds of the Iranian diaspora.

“Molon Labe is not just a beer brand to me,” it continued unprompted, while combing itself. “It’s also a way of life and death. And I intend to make sure that today’s draftees — err, service members don’t have to suffer the guilt of avoiding death via some badly-conceived White House strategy.”

Finally, Mustache said that regime overthrow will help it achieve its long-term strategic goal: validating that its life was worth something after all.

Chinook catches Army flirting with younger, thinner aircraft

PENTAGON — Long rumored tensions came to a head as the CH-47 Chinook Helicopter confronted the U.S. Army after discovering suggestive text messages on the Army’s phone, sources confirmed today.

The Chinook referenced an exchange that included a Snapchat video of the CH-53 Super Stallion (a name experts believe is clearly overcompensating for something) loading 55 troops internally and taking a 36,000 pound load. The Army claimed it can’t help what gets sent to their public account and that the Chinook should be flattered that other aircraft are so interested.

While the Army characterized the texts and several direct messages as non-committal and “just seeing what else is out there,” the Chinook expressed disbelief. It appears the Army engaged in detailed conversations with multiple different aircraft and allegedly solicited pictures of several with their ramp down.

“After all I’ve done, after 57 years, you’re going to try to run off with some skinny little skank who is barely off the assembly line?” the Chinook reportedly shouted during an exchange in a Pentagon hallway.

“Do you want me to go seats out? Is that it? Or maybe just fly around doors off like one of your little sluts?” it added.

The Army attempted to explain itself and suggested the Chinook was overreacting.

“Why do you get like this? You’re so paranoid,” the Army said. “The Osprey is already with the Marines. We met on a joint exercise. We’re just friends.”

This isn’t the first time the Army and the Chinook have had trouble in their relationship. The Army got pretty serious with the UH-60 Blackhawk in the ’90s and was ready to end it with the Chinook entirely, according to multiple friends close to the situation. That was until they had a new war together and things settled down.

The whole situation apparently resurfaced after someone mentioned to the Army that it had been in Afghanistan for over 17 years. The Army later stated over beers that it loves Afghanistan but is worried about losing its identity, according to friends.

“Like, what if I want to travel still? Check out Asia? I feel like Russia has been eyeing me since forever, but we were never ready to make a move at the same time,” the Army allegedly stated. “Plus, the Osprey said it can do fixed wing and rotary wing. I’ve never had a bi-functional aircraft, and I feel like that’s something I could totally get into.”

Further statements by the Army now seem to indicate they and the Chinook are “on a break” despite evidence that Chinooks are still carrying the Army’s troops both at home and abroad.

The Chinook was reportedly seen on the flight line binging on ice cream and blasting Beyoncé’s “Lemonade” album while fielding questions from the CH-46 fleet about whether the split is their fault and who they will live with now.

Officers with Bronze Star license plates least likely to have left FOB

WASHINGTON – A study released today found that officers who purchased non-valor Bronze Star license plates for their vehicles were 98% less likely to have left a forward operating base, or FOB, during a deployment than officers who did not purchase the plates.

The Pentagon spent two months and roughly $17 billion on the study, which was originally intended to determine why some officers were colossal douchebags while others were only slightly less so. A clear pattern emerged, according to the study’s researchers.

“They were all fobbits,” said Lt. Col. Matthew Hill, the study’s manager. “The handful of officers who had left the wire did so either accidentally or purely against their will. In one instance, an officer got lost and wandered onto an MRAP after salsa night. He was fine but the other folks in the S-6 shop never heard the end of it. They’re the real heroes.”

Established during World War II, the Bronze Star Medal was awarded for merit or heroism while engaged against an enemy of the United States. Today, the non-valor version of the medal is a rite-of-passage award for officers and senior non-commissioned officers who complete a deployment without losing property, sleeping with a subordinate or murdering someone.

The study findings shocked some officers, but many soldiers and non-commissioned officers seemed unfazed.

Researchers claim there were other findings, such as the correlation between having the license plates and driving like an asshole, though they say it will take years and “much, much more money” to unpack all of the data.

Army leaders channel wrong Clausewitz in Pentagon seance

WASHINGTON — In a bizarre Pentagon ritual, Army leaders accidentally summoned the wrong spirit when attempting to channel famed Prussian military theorist Maj. Gen. Carl von Clausewitz to help them counter growing threats from China and Russia, sources confirmed today.

“Complex problems require creative ideas,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley. “It turns out we liquidated most of our out-of-the-box thinkers during the last NCO and officer retention boards, so we had to reach deep into our past military geniuses to come up with solutions.”

Recent Chinese threats in the South China Sea and Russian threats in Ukraine and the Baltics forced the hand of Army strategists to come up with unique ways to justify the Army’s growing budget. To counter these challenges, the Army gathered a panel of soothsayers, mystics, and government-funded think tanks to divine the way ahead for future ground combat. Army leadership ultimately chose to hold a seance to channel the long-dead Clausewitz, the father of modern Western military strategy, in an attempt to glean workable solutions.

Eyewitnesses claim the group of officers was successful in channeling a spirit, though not the one they intended. After asking the Ouija board how Clausewitz reconciled his principle of the culminating victory, the strategists were confused at his answer, “I reconcile culminating feels better.”

In an embarrassing turn of events, the group had been seeking advice from Pvt. Chadwick “Chad” Clausewitz, a Civil War deserter from the 56th Illinois Volunteer Infantry Regiment. Pvt. Clausewitz was executed in 1863 for abandoning his sentry post after he was caught masturbating to a tintype of a woman’s bare ankles.

“I knew something was wrong when the spirit told me to ‘talk it off,’” said Pentagon psychic Gwendolyn Mabry. “After we continued to pump it for answers, the spirit covered our group with a large amount of what appeared to be ectoplasm.”

Milley was last seen wiping his face and grumbling to a subordinate that they would probably have to consult the think tanks for a solution.

WASHINGTON — Members of the Pentagon Press Corps announced a $3 million GoFundMe campaign to raise money to find, locate, and recover missing senior Department of Defense officials by featuring their photographs on milk cartons in the District of Columbia-Maryland-Virginia metropolitan area, sources confirmed today.

Last week marked the 300th day since a Pentagon spokesperson briefed on camera in the Pentagon Briefing Room and 211 days since a Secretary of Defense briefed there, according to a Rand Corporation study.

“We were really concerned for their whereabouts and safety,” said Louis-Martin Eze, president of the Pentagon Press Association. “We’ve even reached out to the SETI Institute and our contacts at the Department of the Air Force’s Area 51 to see if there has been an uptick in alien abductions in the Northern Virginia area.”

“I was losing sleep these past months – until Eze and I cracked the code on this,” said Roberto Byrnes, Associated Press reporter and long-time Pentagon observer.

“We just knew that putting these missing officials’ images on milk cartons in schools everywhere was our last, best chance on finding them,” Byrnes said. “Their children and grandchildren know where they are!”

Not all see this as a bad thing.

A recent Heritage Foundation study found that compared to previous administrations, the current Department of Defense leadership has accomplished an astounding 4,300 percent reduction in press engagement from January 2017 to present.

“The Pentagon has achieved unprecedented savings in personnel overhead by reducing the number of official briefings, interviews, and media embeds,” said James J. Marajuano, Vice President of National Security and Foreign Policy at the Heritage Foundation.

“Big government has no business being engaged in keeping taxpayers informed of where their money is being spent,” Marajuano continued. “Furthermore, it’s bad for the troops’ morale when all they read about in the papers is how the brass is screwing up the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq-Syria. We also know that by keeping young Americans in the dark, we provide military recruiters the challenges they crave.”

Anyone who is aware of the current locations of the Secretary of Defense, Deputy Secretary of Defense, or Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is encouraged to contact local authorities to assist in their recovery and return to work, members of the press added.

Trump to host “Who Wants To Be A Cabinet Secretary?” to find next secretary of defense

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The White House is negotiating a reality television show with producer Mark Burnett to identify the next secretary of defense nominee with President Donald Trump set to host, sources confirmed today.

The show, titled “Who Wants To Be A Defense Secretary?” will pit contestant against each other as they vie for the job of leading the U.S. military. Patrick Shanahan has been acting secretary of defense since January 1, 2019, and the White House must nominate a permanent appointee for Senate approval.

“As President Trump says, a lot of people want to be part of this cabinet,” said a senior Defense Department official involved in the show’s development. “And he proved on ‘The Apprentice’ that nobody is better at picking winners from the pack in a way that’s both thorough and entertaining.”

The Department of Defense is America’s largest employer, with over three million uniformed and civilian members. Presidential administrations often nominate appointees who are government or private sector leaders experienced with managing substantial programs or national security issues.

“Selecting a nominee the traditional way would be the opposite of draining the swamp,” said a senior White House official. “We want to give the best leaders a chance to compete. They could come from any circle – government, industry, or even television commentators. They have a unique perspective on national defense issues because they talk about them so much and many are retired majors or colonels.”

Although the show is in the early development, it will include Burnett’s familiar reality show “challenges” where contestants compete to prove their skills. One challenge will require contenders to reallocate funds to another government project while transforming the Defense Department to face peer and near-peer adversaries while simultaneously managing a housing crisis. Another will require withdrawing forces from previous conflict commitments without any discussion with senior commanders, strategic analysis, or military decision-making processes that normally support such planning.

In a challenge tentatively titled “Allies, (Huh, Good God Ya’ll) What Are They Good For?,” contestants will have to find innovative ways to pursue military cooperation with countries that traditional allies call “pariahs.”

“Mil-to-mil cooperation with allies is easy. An innovative leader finds ways to cooperate with so-called despots,” said a Defense Department official.

Republican Sen. Tom Cotton, a past front-runner for defense secretary and an expert on military affairs after a tour in Afghanistan and Iraq, is a contender, according to sources. A second possible challenger is Russia expert and former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

PENTAGON – “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the controversial policy that formally prohibited military members from openly discussing their sexual orientation, will now block any talk of the keto diet, acting Defense Secretary Patrick M. Shanahan announced today.

“While it is every service member’s right to follow whatever diet their heart leads them to, it is for the good order and discipline of U.S. forces that I am directing all service members on the keto diet to keep it in the closet,” Shanahan told reporters.

The ketogenic diet, or “keto diet,” is a popular weight loss regimen that limits carbohydrate intake and promotes talking incessantly about how great it is to eat bacon and lose weight. The new policy will take effect at the end of the month with bipartisan support. It will force commanders to take action against any troop going on about how they put butter in their coffee.

“We think this is a step in the right direction,” said everyone not on the keto diet. “This diet is a choice, and the rest of us shouldn’t have to hear about it.”

“Well, keto is all about glucosamine, crossfit, and vegans suck,” said Tech Sgt. Bill Harrison when asked to comment. “I start my day with an avocado and then drink vegetable oil until my stool is only blood. The pounds come right off.”

In addition to paperwork, any military member discussing the diet will have to eat one apple. The apple contains natural sugar and will immediately return any weight lost as well as much needed nutrients.

Pentagon announces war lineup through 2030

WASHINGTON – The Pentagon released today the official lineup of planned U.S. wars through the year 2030.

Policymakers state that the primary goal of the project, known as the ‘Murican Combat Upsurge (MCU), is to regenerate public excitement over the military industrial complex.

“We haven’t had a real, classic blockbuster war since World War II,” said President Donald Trump. “Sure, the Gulf was okay, but that was a small, made-for-TV war. I like big wars.”

Phase I of the MCU will kick off with a series of brief, solo engagements coming to a variety of combat theaters near you.

“We’ve got to get the audience, I mean the taxpayer, emotionally involved with the different players,” said the program director J.J. Abrams, “NATO is a storied franchise with a lot of history, something those hacks trying to reboot ‘The Warsaw League’ just don’t understand.”

Abrams revealed that Phase I will culminate in a massive global conflict starring an all-star cast of NATO members. Reviewers have called the project the most ambitious crossover since the Power Rangers met the Ninja Turtles. Under the working title, “World War III” is set to release in late 2023, likely premiering somewhere in the Middle East.

In 2026, the Department of Defense plans to reboot “America: Revolution,” an origin story described in pre-production as a gritty take on the bloody rebellion for national independence.

“Remakes are tough; I know better than anybody,” Abrams admitted. “Just look at the Iraq franchise. We’re wrapping up our third try in 30 years, and we still can’t figure it out. I’m sure we’ll take another crack at that one soon enough, though.”

Planners have set a sequel to the 2023 NATO war due out in 2027. Forces of the West, led by eccentric billionaire Elon Musk, once again combine their powers to combat a vague threat from outer space. The engagement will feature Trump’s new Space Force, which keen-eyed fans will recall was teased in the post-credits scene of Operation Inherent Resolve in 2018. Easter egg enthusiasts can also look forward to recurring cameos from beloved former-Defense Secretary Jim Mattis.

At press, despite the rallying cries of deranged fanboys across the internet, there is still no word about a possible sequel to Civil War.