OVERCOMING THE LIES AROUND US

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives
generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. —JAMES
1:5 NIV

Somewhere between the thrill of the engagement, the hectic preparation for
the wedding, and the joy of The Big Day—and often despite excellent pre-marital
counseling—the message gets lost, overlooked, or silenced. That message? Marriage
is hard work.

Even in the best of circumstances, the demands of daily life and the hours
one or both spouses work outside the home take their toll on the marriage relationship.
Friends and lovers become business partners and virtual strangers. Children
become the main topic of conversation and the primary focus of prayers. Older
parents need care, bills need to be paid, the Sunday school program needs teachers,
and the lawn needs mowing. Energy is gone long before the day is over, and the
day is over long before the “to do” list is complete. Even with the Lord as
the foundation, marriage is hard work.

THE WAY OF THE WORLD

And marriage is made even harder these days by the world’s view of men, women,
marriage, and the family. What the world preaches certainly isn’t what God had
in mind when He made us in His image, instituted marriage, and declared it good!

The Scriptures clearly teach that God created Eve from Adam’s rib so that
she could be Adam’s helpmate (Genesis 2:18). Today’s society, however, slams
the door on that truth. While it’s good that women have made some important
and long overdue strides toward social, political, and economic equality, some
women, unfortunately, have pushed for equality to the point of erasing the distinctive
differences God created in men and women so they could complement one another.
Some have even gone so far as to say, “Who needs men?” In response, many men
have become passive, quiet, and unsure about their role in relation to women.
In fact, they have no idea what God intends them to be, and women are frustrated
because their men aren’t meeting their needs in the marriage and the family.
Women cry out to their husbands, “Get with the program!” and the men softly
ask, “What program?” Men and women alike have strayed from God’s design for
marriage, and as a result, are at odds with their mates.

LIES WE ARE TOLD

Conflicts between husbands and wives are often triggered by certain ideas
that society tells women to believe about themselves and about men. In fact,
clinical psychologist and author Dr. Toni Grant points out ten lies that the
modern “liberated” woman has bought into—lies based on the false promises propagated
by the more extreme elements of the feminist and sexual revolutions.

Lie #1: You can have it all.

Society would have women believe that they can be high-powered CEOs, devoted
wives, loving mothers, impeccable dressers, immaculate homemakers, gourmet chefs,
creative hostesses, and disciplined exercisers. And women in pursuit of this
impossible goal pay the price of a sense of failure, lack of fulfillment, and
utter exhaustion when they don’t live up to those unreachable standards. After
all, as Dr. Grant points out, women—like men—are only human!

At our seminars, though, Emilie and I are seeing more and more supermoms
who have come to realize that they can’t have it all and have decided that they
don’t even want to try. In growing numbers, women are leaving the hard-charging
corporate world and returning to the responsibilities, challenges, and comforts
of home, children, and family—and they are content with their choice. They tell
us that they were paying too high a price in terms of their marriage, their
children, their peace of mind, and their sanity when they were trying to achieve
the illusory and impossible goals that society put before them.

Lie #2: Men and women are fundamentally the same.

This lie has caused many women to adopt attributes and behaviors that run
counter to their natural characteristics and temperaments. These women have
been untrue to themselves as they have tried to be other than what God created
them to be.

Clinical studies show consistently different play patterns between young
boys and girls, but we don’t need sociologists and psychologists to point out
the differences. Our own observations of the world around us and even limited
contact with a member of the opposite sex reveal that men and women have different
priorities, think different thoughts, and have different desires in life. The
basic differences between males and females (which we’ll address throughout
this book) are one reason why marriage is challenging, and unfortunately, many
women have refused to acknowledge these differences in their quest for liberation
and equality with their male counterparts. Let me say here that different does
not imply better or worse, superior or inferior. And, acknowledging that there
are differences may help women be more comfortable being women—and not men!

Lie #3: Desirability is enhanced by accomplishment.

What makes a woman attractive to a man? Is it her keen business sense, her
economic conquests in the corporate world, how many company boards she sits
on, the number of postgraduate degrees she has earned, or the honors listed
on her resumé? Does the power she attains by virtue of her many accomplishments
win her the devotion of her man? Does love blossom where the woman has achieved
much of what the world values in the way of status and success? No! Again, the
world’s lies have taken hold. This is not to say that women should not use their
God-given gifts or strive to respond to God’s call in their lives. Rather, women
are learning that their accomplishments don’t necessarily win them a man’s attention
or devotion. Women are also learning that the top of the corporate ladder can
be as lonely for them as it is for men.

Lie #4: Your full potential must be realized.

God calls each of us to use the talents and abilities He has given us, but
too many of us have fallen victim to the idea that we have incredible hidden
potential and all of it must be realized. While it’s true that we should do
everything to the best of our ability, believing that we should always be able
to win the gold medal or consistently score a perfect “10” can mean disappointment
and depression when human limitations result in a bronze medal or an unexpected
“8,” “6,” or even “2.”

By contrast, the Bible offers a message of freedom. Again and again throughout
the pages of Scripture, we see how God uses ordinary people in His work. We
don’t have to be mental giants, well-trained scholars, or experts in the Bible.
We need only to surrender ourselves to God and allow Him to do great things
through us. Jesus teaches, “Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever
humbles himself shall be exalted” (Matthew 23:12). Resting on the truth of the
Bible, we can be free from the myth of unrealized potential. Humbling ourselves
before God yet willing to do our best wherever He calls us to work, we can let
Him do what He will with our five loaves and two fish (Matthew 14:13-21).

Lie #5: Men and women view sex in the same way.

One basic difference between men and women is the way they approach and enjoy
sex, and some of those differences are not hard to understand. First, the potential
consequences of sexual intercourse—bearing a new life—have far greater ramifications
in the life of a woman. In addition, the connection between sex and love is
much closer and more important to women than it is to men, yet the sexual revolution
has attempted to erase this difference. In their efforts to achieve equality
with men, many sexually active women have tried to ignore their fundamental
emotional needs. They have sacrificed their souls based on the lie that they
should approach sex just as men do.

If women were to accept the fact that their Creator made them different from
men, these women could again find wholeness, peace, and a more satisfying sexuality.
Often women will ask, “How can I be more feminine?” My usual response is, “By
being less masculine!” Men like the softness of a woman—her chin, her voice,
her dress, her manners, her social graces, and the way she relates to them.

Lie #6: Motherhood can be postponed without penalty.

Quite often, women delay motherhood as they work toward their career goals.
Some even postpone marriage for the sake of a career. In doing so, they ignore
the fact that their reproductive system won’t be able to reproduce forever.
When they do suddenly hear the biological clock ticking, these women may panic.
Their desperation for a child may then be heightened by any difficulty they
have conceiving. Sadly, despite society’s message to the contrary and today’s
high-tech medical advances, a woman’s desire for children could end up never
being fulfilled if she puts off motherhood too long.

Lie #7: Today’s woman should abandon “softness” for “assertiveness.”

The words feminine and soft no longer carry the positive associations they
once did. Many women today are choosing assertiveness and strength—tools for
the business world—over kindness, sensitivity, and compassion in their relationships.
They don’t seem to realize that attractiveness and real power come with the
feminine characteristics given to them by God. We men respond to women who are
vulnerable and open to our love and care. Today, too many women wrongly equate
such vulnerability with weakness. As we’ve seen before in this list of lies,
women lose when they try to be like men.

Lie #8: Speaking one’s mind is better than listening.

With wisdom that contrasts sharply to this popular modern myth, the New Testament
writer James instructs believers to “be quick to hear, slow to speak” (1:19).
In our culture, however, which greatly values busyness, many of us—men and women
alike—are more comfortable doing instead of being and speaking instead of listening.
When women transfer their obsession for achievement from the corporate world
to the arena of male–female relationships, they often fail to be the kind of
listener that appeals to a man. Listening, which is a more passive and receptive
role, has been granted second-class status. As a result, men and women alike
miss out on the bond which compassionate listening can forge between them.

Lie #9: A woman should be self-sufficient.

Remember the feminist rallying cry, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs
a bicycle”? This slogan points to the myth of self-sufficiency, a myth that
led Dr. Grant to label the modern woman “the Amazon woman.” In the legendary
Amazon culture, women functioned completely apart from men. Once a year they
would meet with men for breeding purposes, but then they returned to their own
island to raise the children.

The attitude that women don’t need men is in direct opposition to the plan
of our Creator. Men and women are to honor one another and lift each other up,
and we honor one another when we humble ourselves. The writer of Proverbs observed
that “a man’s pride will bring him low, but a humble spirit will obtain honor”
(29:23). Jesus taught that “the greatest among you shall be your servant. And
whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be
exalted” (Matthew 23:11-12). The apostle Peter exhorted his readers to “humble
yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at
the proper time” (1 Peter 5:6). These teachings are quite contrary to our society’s
prescriptions about success and to the myth that women
can exalt themselves above men as people they simply don’t need.

A more humble and biblical attitude toward one’s spouse enables a Christian marriage
relationship to reflect—as it should—the relationship between Jesus and His
church. Just as Christ “loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians
5:25), husbands and wives are to humble themselves in service to one another.
Furthermore, this godly marriage relationship is to be the foundation for raising
children who will come to know, love, and serve the Lord. Many single parents
today are doing their best to raise their children alone, but God’s plan is
to have husbands and wives be partners in this all-important and challenging
task. The myth of feminine self-sufficiency sabotages God’s design and runs
counter to many biblical teachings.

Lie #10: A woman should look for sensitivity, not strength, in a man.

A softer, more sensitive man has not appealed to women the way people thought
he would. While the new male sensitivity brings an important dimension to male–female
relationships, women also want their men to be strong. So we men are left to
figure out how to be strong without being obnoxiously macho, and sensitive without
being weak. I hear many Christian men today wondering how to be both the man
the Lord wants them to be and the man their wife or society wants them to be.
Men today are desperately trying to figure out which characteristics are right
and proper for them. When your husband manifests godly manhood, praise him.
Help him become God’s man.

CHALLENGING THE LIES

Consider again the litany of lies we’ve just looked at: Women can have it
all, men and women are fundamentally the same, accomplishment means desirability,
women must realize their full potential, men and women are alike in their attitudes
and approach to sex, women can put off motherhood without penalty, women should
be assertive instead of soft, speaking one’s mind is better than listening,
women don’t need men, and women should look for sensitivity instead of strength
in a man. Now consider the impact these lies have had on our society. What role
have they played in the harsh realities of families breaking up and teenagers
rebelling or being lost to drugs?

When we believe in and act on these lies, we not only undermine society,
we also find ourselves living contrary to God’s plan. When we try to change
who God made men and women to be and redesign the plan He instituted in the
beginning, our efforts dishonor the Creator. Despite that fact and despite the
negative consequences of these lies, they still influence much of society’s
thinking about men and women. And speaking out against these lies and myths
is not always well-received. Today everyone pressures us to be tolerant or “politically
correct.”

Remember when First Lady Barbara Bush addressed the women at Wellesley College?
Her comments received harsh criticism from the all-women student body. Let’s
look again at what she said:

At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more
test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret
time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend, or a parent.

We are in a transitional period right now—fascinating and exhilarating times,
learning to adjust to changes and the choices we—men and women—are facing. As
an example, I remember what a friend said on hearing her husband complain to
his buddies that he had to babysit: Quickly setting him straight, my friend
told her husband that when it’s your own kids, it’s not called babysitting.

Now, maybe we should adjust faster and maybe we should adjust slower. But
whatever the era, whatever the times, one thing will never change: Fathers and
mothers, if you have children, they must come first. You must read to your children,
and you must hug your children, and you must love your children. Your success
as a family, our success as a society depends not on what happens in the White
House but on what happens inside your house.

Barbara Bush boldly spoke out against some of the lies women and men alike
have fallen prey to. In doing so, she challenged women of all ages across America
to evaluate the choices they are making and the impact those choices are having
on American society. In effect, Mrs. Bush called women to deny the lies society
has propagated over the past few decades. And the teachings of the Bible—as
we’ll see in this book—call women to do likewise. Will you respond to the call?

KEEPING YOUR COMMITMENT

On Mother’s Day 1991, our local newspaper ran a story that speaks to our
times. Letha Blacman recalled the day when, pregnant with her first child, she
left her husband of two years and went home to her mother. When she arrived,
she spent 30 minutes telling her mother what she was unhappy about and that
she was leaving her husband and their home. (Interestingly, at the time the
article was written, Letha couldn’t remember why she was so angry with her husband!)

When Letha stopped talking, her mother said, “I have listened to you, and
now I am going to tell you what you are going to do. You are expecting a child.
It needs a mother and a father. You are going back to your husband, and the
two of you are going to raise that child.”

I can do everything God asks me to with the help of Christ who gives me
the strength and power.—Philippians 4:13 TLB

The next morning, Letha’s husband went to her mother’s house and took Letha
home. Angry that her mother hadn’t opened her arms and said, “Come home, honey,”
Letha didn’t even wave goodbye as she and her husband drove away.

The punch line of the story? Letha and her husband raised that first child
and a second as well. On April 23, 1991, they celebrated their fifty-ninth wedding
anniversary. Letha had decided to stand by her commitment when she felt like
quitting. Today’s society would have told her to be concerned about her own
happiness and encouraged her to make it on her own. But fortunately she took
a stand, and you can do the same.

You can support your man when you feel like quitting. You can stay at his
side even when circumstances are tough and the struggle is intense. With guidance
from Scripture and reliance on God’s strength, you can survive the difficult
times and do so with patience, love, and hope.

May you know the sparkle as this day unfolds of precious dewdrops a violet
holds; May you see the colors of spectrums above; May you know the blessing
of friends and God’s love. —JUNE MASTERS BACHER