President Trump has announced that the United States will be formally withdrawing $534 million in aid to Gondor.The Numenorean state has historically been an ally of the USA, but has voted against the United States in a recent UN motion condemning what is perceived as an increasingly pro-Mordor stance in the White House.“Let them vote against us. We’re taking names,” said the President, speaking earlier today through a palantir which glowed intermittently with a sinister red eye. “We’ll save lots. If they were with us, maybe I could, you know, get them some rings. But they have chosen instead the path of pain.”Tensions between Middle Earth and the United States have been high recently, following the admission that the CIA had been involved in stealing nine black horses from the Rohirrm. Despite initially denying these claims, the White House has since stated that the horses were key terrorist suspects, and that their extradition to Mordor was entirely legal.The move to cut funding comes amid renewed concerns that last year’s US election was tampered with, though the current administration have repeatedly stated that they employ almost no orcs.A recently leaked recording that shows the President relaxing in a hot tub with a senior Nazgul has been dismissed as ‘locker room banter’ by top aides, who are also quick to point out that - on this occasion - the POTUS definitely didn’t attempt to grab anyone by anything.

The government has confirmed it is to move ahead with controversial plans to build 20,000 new affordable homes on the Barrow Downs.The houses, which will be constructed from locally sourced materials including wood, stone, and the entombed remains of ancient, evil creatures, are said to be ideal for first-time buyers and for landlords who don’t care if their tenants are gradually siphoned off to feed the unspeakable hunger of dark creatures beneath the earth.“It is important that we continue to address the housing crisis,” said Prime Minister Theresa May, presenting the white paper to a special meeting in Rivendell last week. “The site is ideally located in an area of haunting natural beauty, and the weather there is usually great, apart from the fog.”She went on to point out that the new houses will be firmly in the commuter belt, or at least this will be the case with the advent of HS2, now set to link London to Scotland via Bree, and which is due to begin construction shortly after the end of the Third Age.Speaking to one of our reporters in a private interview, local Barrow Wight Terry Stubs said, “We are very much looking forward to welcoming new residents to the area. It is wonderful that we are being given this opportunity to dispel pernicious stereotypes about who we are. Barrow Wights are very warm creatures. We have so much to give.”“Cold be hand and heart and bone,” he added. On an unrelated topic, we continue to hope for any information regarding the whereabouts of our missing correspondent.But criticisms have been raised that the site has been chosen simply to act as a gateway through which the nearby Old Forest can then become a potential area for further development.“That’s absolutely right,” confirmed the Prime Minister. “Once this goes through, we can probably get an Ikea and seventeen McDonalds approved, no sweat. True, we’ll have to figure out a way of getting rid of that crazy hermit in the woods. Maybe we can bribe him with a judge’s spot on the next series of The Voice. And ring-a-dong-a-dilo! Problem solved.”Mrs May, who is rumoured to possess one of the nine rings for mortal men, then pulled her black cowl over her face, hissed a little, and flew off on her giant winged lizard monster.​

The kingdom of Narnia is to ban the sale of halal meat, it has emerged.Talking from the dais at Cair Paravel, High King Peter made the announcement to a gathering of fauns, various talking animals and - confusingly - Father Christmas.The amount of halal meat produced and sold in Narnia has increased in recent years, with a corresponding downturn in sales of traditional Narnian goods, such as Turkish Delight and anything frozen and then turned to stone.Meat in Narnia is currently consumed by various talking beasts, who see it as amoral to eat other intelligent animals, opting instead to eat only dumb animals, such as chickens and estate agents.The decision has been met with some criticism, especially from Calormen, which is strange because it definitely isn’t just a placeholder for negative Arab stereotypes.Speaking at a symposium of magical lions on Wednesday, Aslan faced strong criticism that the move was a manifestation of religious intolerance. The son of the Emperor-Over-The-Sea responded by claiming Narnia simply saw all life as sacred, and that this would probably just be the first step in a gradual move towards vegetarianism, subsequent veganism, and ultimately complete reliance on photosynthesis. This sparked vitriolic disagreement from Simba, who was quick to point out that all life was a circle, and eating slower, weaker creatures was only natural. Shere Khan seconded this view, with especial emphasis on the eating of man-cubs, but was subsequently expelled from the symposium on account of being a tiger.Asked about the controversial move, Queen Susan - whose interests include boys and nylons - said it would not really have any impact on her, because she mainly lives on cigarettes and strong gin, and doesn’t eat much anyway because she wants to look after her figure. This prompted a frosty silence from the other kings and queens of Narnia, though they later issued a press statement that the four of them would soon be making a ‘very special’ train ride, after which they were sure Queen Susan would ‘not present any more of a problem’.​

President Trump is to travel to Westeros to announce that winter is not coming, after all.“Need to address fake news coming out of Oldtown,” tweeted the President. “So-called ‘experts’ in the Citadel need to get their facts straight.”The POTUS is due to arrive at King’s Landing on Tuesday, where he will stay as the honoured guest of Queen Cersei Lannister for three days of planned discussions about how to strengthen ties between the United States and the Iron Throne. He will also partake in the traditional Westorosi activities of hunting, praying to the seven-faced god, and brutally exploiting the common folk. In exchange, the president is expected to teach the Queen about some of his favoured activities, including use of social medial, public relations, and brutally exploiting the common folk.The president is to be accompanied by senior aides, and sources close to the administration suggest that key diplomatic objectives will include trade negotiations, cultural exchange, and learning how to make 700ft magical ice walls.The president has indicated his position that the army of animated corpses led by the Night King is not a man- (or children of the forest-) made phenomena, but in fact simply represents the ebb and flow of long-standing natural cycles. Mr Trump has gone on to confirm that he will happily sell oil to House Lannister, but that no one should expect this to stave off the winter that isn’t here, because the waste products of fossil fuels definitely don’t do that sort of thing, anyway.On his return to America on Friday, President Trump is due to address a rally of climate-change deniers in the giant floating stadium where New York used to be, unless he contracts greyscale, or is killed by the Mountain after inappropriately groping the Queen, an event which some are calling likely if not inevitable.

A fracking operation in Kent has unearthed a Balrog, it has emerged.The company behind the operation, which has said in a statement that it delved too greedily and too deep, has apologised for unleashing the fearsome Maiar of shadow and flame on the world, but has said that it is fully prepared to comply with a government investigation into how to stop any future monsters being unleashed.The Balrog, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has descended on the town of Tunbridge Wells in an orgy of death and destruction, and is now recruiting followers to act as henchmen as it begins construction of a vast underground lair. It has said that it is an equal-opportunity employer, and will consider applicants from any ethnic or religious background, though a complete lack of morals and being proficient with a scimitar would be considered a bonus. The government is planning to pass a motion that would hopefully allow the Balrog to be deported to Europe as part of a hard Brexit, probably to somewhere in Holland.Speaking on behalf of the EU, the President of the European Parliament has allegedly said that this shall not pass.