Saturday, May 30, 2009

30-day retreat e-mail reflection: Week I

Week I: Meditation on Sin

Now, I would have to hands down say that this week was the most difficult weekfor me. This was the week where I had to deal with myself. If any of you arelike me, there's something about this word "sin" that totally turns me off.Imbedded in this week were meditations on Satan, hell, my sin, and the sin ofAdam and Eve.

My spiritual director, Paul, had an extremely difficulttime when he did the exercises with the Adam and Eve story, and I did too. "Youmean to tell me that because of this one sin, we had to put up with all thiscrap??!!!"

I was reading a book during the retreat in which I cameacross a passage about this. Forgive its possible offensive language, but it hasa point. It read something like this: "We forgave the Jews for killing Jesus.Yet we can't forgive Eve for eating an apple??"

Food for thought.

In my prayer, for me, Adam and Eve's sin wasn't the eating of the apple.It was the hiding, being ashamed of themselves before God, who sees them anywaybecause of this knowledge attained. I was relating to them by thinking about howoften I "hide" and feel ashamed in God's presence.

Anyway, I reallyreally struggled in this week. Here's some inner dialogue that took place withinme during one prayer period, which I'm kind of portraying in dramatic fashion. Idon't know if it's all that dramatic though because my emotions were as intenseas what is going on here. This was probably about the fourth or fifth day intothe retreat. The language maybe isn't exactly what I was thinking, but it getsthe point across.

"What the hell is sin?""Why am I even meditatingon this?""Argghhh!!! I hate this week!""God, You are soooo selfish!!"

I was really angry and confused. I remember talking about it with Pauland I just remember him laughing about it. I was laughing about it too when Iwas thinking back to it, but at the time I was really serious.

As I lookback, it was very necessary for me to struggle, to wrestle like that; kind oflike Jacob in the book of Genesis who wrestles with "God" (kind of ambiguous)but in so doing, he is renamed Israel which roughly translates I think into "onewho wrestles with God." In the struggle, I began to delve more deeply into theareas of my faith that I had questions about, that I needed to wrestle with. Inthe end, strengthening my relationship with God and being thankful that Godallowed me to struggle with him.

The hardest part for me of this weekwas to name "my sin." Paul kept harping me about it. I created the best laundrylist I could...well, I do that, and I do that, and I do that. And, in talkingabout it, I still hadn't found "it." This caused me great frustration andwondered whether there was even an "it" at all.

In writing this, Irealize how difficult it is to truly explain without going into massive detailabout how I worked my way into finding "it." It took me about 8 days. It wastriggered in one of my sessions with Paul when he said, "Ryan, you beat yourselfup too much."

His saying that to me really caught me off guard. Ibrought it to prayer for a day and meditated on this, because he struck a chordwith me. As I began reflecting on it, I couldn't believe how true his statementwas.

"Man, I'm not praying very well.""I wish I looked better.""I could be a better brother to my brother novices.""I don't sing verywell.""I'm not fit to be a Jesuit.""I don't know how to meditate onthis Week. It must be me."

Why do I do this?? This came to my "core sin"-- perfection. It's not that having high standards for what I do is notnecessarily a bad thing. It's the way I react when these standards are not met,and I often fall short of my own expectations. Coupled with my standards withperfection was the inclination to inwardly beat myself up. I had just named twonasty demons that reside within me. I would say that these demons have been thesource of what I call my inner hell.

In my sociology classes at SeattleU, we often talked about built-in inequalities in our society. How, inherent ina Capitalistic society, for example, is the drive to make money at the expenseof others. Arguably a demon/sin built into the system. I began turning mysociology eye inward, and couldn't believe what I saw. Built in to me, thisdemon of perfection was fed at an early age, fostered by parents who only wantedthe best for their children, which in turn fed the demon which kept telling methat I wasn't good enough. Growing up, that was a source of intense resentmentand anger. This is my history, a story that I will always have with me. This sinbusiness also gave me a different lens of what I had learned through my classes.

Meditating on this showed me, though, that I cannot ignore this, as ifit doesn't exist. I would imagine that for all of us, unnamed demons reside inus who have been with us ever since our childhood. They are sins in the sensethat they are extreme burdens for us that prevent us from being free. The namingof it, though, has proven to be one of the most profoundly liberatingexperiences I have ever had in my life. In the course of the remaining weeks andeven today, I have been able to recognize these behaviors in me that are soprevalent. The challenge in the naming it is how to deal with it. For me, it isa matter of faith and surrender. Sins that I daily need to offer to God, whom Ibelieve is only more than willing to take these burdens off of me. That is God'sunconditional love given to me. A grace daily received. Also, the naming of ithas been profound in my being able to reconcile myself with my family.

In talking to some of my brothers, their "core sins" are different thanmine; Ignatius' own "core sin" I learned today was vainglory. But I think itsays something to our authenticity of experience. If we deal authentically withourselves before God, we will authentically begin the healing process. Thesilence was fertile ground to achieve this, which is why I believe having somesemblance of silence in our lives is so necessary.

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About Me

My name is Ryan Rallanka, and I am a currently a Jesuit Scholastic from the Oregon Province and teaching Freshman theology at Jesuit High School in Portland, Oregon.
I grew up in Sacramento, CA where I first encountered the Jesuits at Jesuit High School. I later attended Seattle University where I obtained a double major in English and Sociology. I recently received a Master's in Philosophical Resources at Fordham University.
Writing, playing piano, singing, praying, hanging out with my Jesuit Brothers, and laughing are a few of the many activities that I enjoy as a Jesuit.
I believe in God who profoundly loves us beyond our wildest imagination, whose kindness and mercy widely surpasses the limits of our human understanding. I hope primarily to share my journey as a Jesuit and create a space for me to document my experiences. May my blog deepen and enrich your own faith life. AMDG
(any opinions/views are strictly my own and do not represent the Society of Jesus as a whole)