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There’s nothing in this world that will make you want to smoke weed less than a pothead. These sorry souls get embroiled in their sad world of cartoons and counterculture stickers, and the most pathetic thing of all is they think that they are interesting and their opinions are valid. Look buddy, you may be a certified genius, but the day you catch me taking esoteric advice from some dude with tribal tattoos in a tam o’shanter is the day I can finally be checked in for a lobotomy. First impressions are everything, and the only impression I get from you is “I’m completely unemployable.”

See, I do smoke weed. I enjoy it. Apparently, a lot of people do. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to base a lifestyle around it. Hardcore potheads are annoying the same way that outspoken vegans or virulent racists are: they’re so focused on this one thing that they are not very well-rounded and become boring and redundant in about sixty seconds. Wow, you like to watch Pink Floyd’s The Wall when you’re high? Surprise, EVERY-FUCKING-BODY DOES. We can share these experiences as people that are high, but to go on and on about it as if something has been achieved, well that’s pothead logic for you.

I like smoking weed, but I don’t ever want to have a conversation with you about crunchy nugs, or kind bud, or hairy strains, or any other marijuana fantasies that you masturbate furiously over. I don’t want to debate the methods of smoking pot, I don’t want to see your skull bong with a double ice chamber that you call “Hootie.” Let’s smoke weed, watch this episode of COPS, and laugh together like a couple of stoned jackasses. And the very last thing I want you to do is debate marijuana reform with me. While I’m high.

The problem with marijuana reform in this country is that the organizations seeking reform primarily have potheads at the helm. You get your pot rallies where a bunch of stoner bands take the stage and a stoned crowd cheers because the lead singer lit up right on the nightly news, dude! and everyone’s getting baked in front of police officers and they can’t do a thing about it, bro! It’s a stone groove, man. Some white dude with neatly-packed dreadlocks takes the stage and yammers about medical marijuana for ten minutes, everyone cheers and returns to their salty snacks. And the day is saved! The potheads smoked weed in a public park one day and the society can return to spurning them the other three-hundred and sixty-four days of the year as usual. A lot was done, nothing achieved. Pothead logic.

I think marijuana reformers stick to legalizing medical marijuana because it’s the softest touch. Pretty much everyone has had someone in their lives who died of a painful, terminal illness, and the thought that their pain might have been eased by toking a little reefer makes us regretful. The problem here is that medical marijuana laws have already been abused so much in California and Denver, that mainstream society views “medical marijuana” as a euphemism for “freely available weed.” It doesn’t help that the people promoting medical marijuana aren’t normally doctors, but some guy in an afro wig wearing an ironic t-shirt and Elvis sunglasses. And no, calling yourself “Doctor Feelgood” won’t help matters.

As far as I’m concerned, the reason for legalizing pot is that it isn’t really that bad. It makes you kind of lethargic and corny, but that’s a small price when you consider the murder and crime committed to keep the illegal pot trade afloat. Not to mention the money we hemorrhage trying to curb the stuff both abroad and at home. Tied to any marijuana reform should also be a stipulation for the growing of hemp, that miracle plant that could really, you know, help us out. I do think marijuana should be legalized, frankly I think it should be as available as alcohol or cigarettes. But I’m not going to listen to Shaggy from Scooby-Doo tell me about it. Put on a fucking collared shirt and talk to your political representatives and stop using pothead logic, for crying out loud.