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Apologies September 17, 2012

I hate apologies. Not making them–I’m so good at making them that I apologize to inanimate objects.

I hate receiving apologies.

I feel like I don’t deserve them. I feel like I deserve to be hurt. I feel guilty for making anyone feel like they have to apologize because that means I made them feel bad. The bigger the issue, the worse the apology makes me feel. Someone apologizing for stepping on my foot is relatively minor, but someone apologizing for forgetting me is so bad I think of suicide.

NT apologized today for forgetting me.

“It’s all right,” I said. “It happens.”

“I dropped the ball,” she said.

“It’s not a big deal. Really.”

I know I should’ve told her how much it upset me, all the noise and feelings it stirred up inside. I know I should be able to discuss the therapy relationship with my therapist, but I just felt too guilty.

It’s never been an easy thing for me to do, but I’d gotten better about it while I was at Riggs. My therapist there really pushed me to acknowledge feeling toward her (and others), even if they were “bad” feelings. Since then, I’ve gotten out of practice. It’s not something I can do without being pushed.

So I shut out my system and just made small talk with NT, nothing of much substance. I like her, but I think it’s going to take a while to trust her again–she’s not going to push me. I’m sure there will be consequences for shutting my system out.

This is the best I can do right now. I’m sorry.

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4 Responses to “Apologies”

Hmm…. an extension from the email…. would it be possible to discuss with her exactly what you wrote here just without being specific about the situation? Discuss your difficulties with discussing the therapeutic relationship … or is that being just as confrontational? My mind is in a twist….. Just an idea xx

What you’re saying makes good sense–I just know I won’t be able to make myself tell her. It’s funny–I used to have no idea what I wanted to say. Now I know exactly what I want to say, but I’ve lost my voice.

The only reason I was able to discuss the therapeutic relationship with my Riggs therapist was she basically insisted. Not in a scary way; I trusted her, and it didn’t feel like bullying–just she wasn’t going to let me get away with obviously bullshit answers when I was clearly upset about something she said/did. NT doesn’t push me about anything, and I can’t articulate how I need to be pushed well enough to explain it to her. Really effing frustrated with myself right now.

Yes being pushed makes a difference. A gentle push of course, not a forceful one. (Deja vu). Cat certainly pushes at the right times; when I become too nervous to push myself.
It is really hard letting others know what we need. Really hard. Especially when you are basically asking someone else to do something differently. It makes you wonder if you have the right to ask of something. I do think it is so important though to be able to set up a routine in therapy that works for you and will give you the best opportunity for healing. I know its hard to not want to take care of the therapists feelings but this is about your future; not hers.
100% positive I have said this before; but can you find another way to let her know these things… if not verbally?
Please don’t turn this against yourself. It is not your fault you have been led to feel so much distrust of people that assertiveness is well out of the window. Trust issues are so so hard to muddle through. But not impossible.