Charles Saatchi to marry Michelle Obama

He has turned down Scarlet Johansson, Penelope Cruz, Delia Smith and Grayson Perry, all of whom are said to be devastated by the impersonal nature of the rejection letters they received after entering the race to become the new Mrs Charles Saatchi. Now though, Charles Saatchi has signalled he will consent to being married to the US First Lady, making Mrs Obama his fourth Lady. The wedding is to be directed by Danny Boyle and will star Halle Berry and Xavier Bardem as the happy couple. It will take place at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington on the night Mr Satchi's ex wife, Nigella Lawson launches her new cookery show on UK TV. It will be televised live round the world. Mr Saatchi privately circulated invitations to heads of state at the Nelson Mandela funeral earlier this month.

‘This has nothing to do with Mr Saatchi losing an ‘a’ in his double a rating,’ a spokesperson for the newly named Satchi Empire protested, denying Mr Satchi's reputation has been tarnished in any way. 'Nor is it anything to do with trying to score points from his ex wife, the former Nigella Lawson. Charles and Michelle are deeply in love, having nearly met once at an American Embassy dinner in 2010. Mr Obama has gallantly stepped aside in return for Mr Satchi’s pledge to back the Democrats in the coming presidential election.’

It’s understood that if Obama refused the deal, Mr Satchi threatened to marry Sarah Palin and back the Republicans, although the proposed Palin/Satchi deal was troubled by stalled negotiations on Palin breast size.

Souces close to Satchi denied he was also considering having a relationship with Gordon Ramsay, with whom Satchi felt "equally matched".

In a pre-divorce, pre nuptial agreement, Mr Satchi is understood to have reluctantly agreed not to appear to strangle Mrs Obama or seem to stick his fingers up her nose in public. Mr Satchi denies discussing "intimate terrorism" techniques with Mr Martin McGuiness in the run up to the wedding. Russian President Vladimir Putin has volunteered to track and kill the stag that will be the centrepiece of the Satchi stag night. The rights to the hunt have been bought by Mr Putin's TV station. Marriage contracts will be exchanged next weekend, subject to a successful structural survey of Mrs Obama, who has already had extensive blood samples analysed.

After the wedding the happy couple will live in the White House, from where the new Mrs Satchi will launch her new internationally successful and impossibly glamorous TV cookery show, believed to be called “Nigella is Unhygienic”. Mr Satchi has already taken possession of the Obama children, one of whom will be permanently displayed in his South Bank Gallery.

Mr Obama, meanwhile, will be allowed to continue the remainder of his US presidency “from quite a nice flat in the St John’s Wood area of London”.