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> Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless> driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he> knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.> His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"

} The judge leaned back and cackled evilly.}} "Oh, nothing so benign as that, you poor sap," said he. He motioned to} the baliff, who walked forward and dumped a barrel of glue on Emo.} Another person approached and dumped red fuzz all over Emo. Finally,} someone stuck two eyes, a nose, and a mouth on top of the fuzz.}} "For the rest of your days, you will be cute and annoying and giggle} like a small girl when you are tickled. You entered this courtroom as} Emo... you leave it as Elmo."}} You owe the Oracle a Tickle-Me-Emo doll. Make sure it hasn't been} drinking.

> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!>> Zadoc the Priest sweeps up the ash in the temple> Where a supplicant was zotted> Lives in a closet> Waits at the altar> Wearing the robes that he keeps in a jar by the door> Who is it for?>> All the lonely priests> Where do they all come from?> All the lonely priests> Where do they all belong?>> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!>> Father McKinzler> Writing the code of a diety everyone fears> No one comes near> Look at him working> Reading usenet in the night when there's nobody there> What does he care?>> All the lonely priests> Where do they all come from?> All the lonely priests> Where do they all belong?>> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!>> Zadoc the priest> Was zotted in the temple and buried along with his name> Nobody came> Father McKinzler> Wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave> No one was saved.>> All the lonely priests> Where do they all come from?> All the lonely priests> Where do they all belong?

} Time for the Oracular Song Contest again, is it?} Oh, well...}} Good evening, Indiana. This is Olympus calling. Here are the votes of} the oracular jury:}} In love with a woodchuck: One point.} Zot me tender: Two points.} Zot around the clock: Three points.} Woodchuck boogie: Four points.} Living next door to Lisa: Five points.} Look at all the zotted woodchucks: Six points.} The Oracle had a little priest: Eight points.} Merry zotting: Ten points.}} And finally......}} Rule Oracle: Twelve points!}} That were the votes of the oracular jury. Good bye from Olympus.

> Dear Mr. Oracle,>> While I appreciate your offer dated 8/17/97 of a chance to receive a> copy of your new guidebook "101 uses for dryer lint" at the> introductory price of $12.99 with the set of Ginsu Noodle Shredders> included as my free gift, I am sorry to inform you that I am not the> least bit interested. Please remove my name from any/all marketing> lists you have, as I find dryer lint most disgusting and fee that> references to it constitute fashion harassment.>> Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.>> Sincerely,>> Supli Cant

} Dear Mr. Cant,}} Thank you for your order of "101 Uses for Dryer Lint". Your credit card} has been debited for $12.99 plus $19.99 shipping and handling (the UPS} rates have gone *way* up recently). The book, along with the set of} Ginsu Noodle Shredders, will be shipped to you within 6 weeks.}} We also appreciate your standing order for future volumes in our "101"} series. Each costs only $19.99 (plus $29.99 shipping and handling) and} each comes with a free gift. These volumes will be shipped to you at} one-week intervals. And don't worry about the bills! Your credit card} will automatically be debited by our trained staff!}} The future volumes you can expect are:}} 101 Uses for a 55-Gallon Drum of Polyvinylacetate (with free tuxedo} tie) 101 Uses for an Old Cookie Sheet (with free tin snips)} 101 Uses for Windows 95 Installation Disks (with free shotgun)} 101 Uses for Cats (with free ballpeen hammer)} 101 Uses for Dogs (with free frisbees)} 101 Uses for Bill Gates (with free cattle prod)} 101 Uses for Bill Clinton (with free cattle prod)} 101 Ways to Annoy Queue Drainers (with free can of Draino (tm))} 101 Ways to Get Back at Spammers (with free software virus disk)} 101 Ways to Get in the Oracular Digests (with free red Siamese fighting} fish)}} and 90 more titles in the series!}} Collect 'em all! And you will, because no cancellations will be} accepted.}} You owe the Oracle, oh, about $5,000.00.

> I went to the bathroom. I had to go poo. I hate it when people> walk in on me while I'm pooing. I went to the unfinished wing of> the building.>> Someone walked in. The janitor. Great. Clean. Clean clean. Clean.> I was in the last stall. The first stall opened. Clean clean.> The next stall opened. Clean, clean. My stall door was attempted> to be opened. It was locked.>> "Hello?" asked the Janitor. The *female* janitor.> "Uhm, somebody's in here," I intoned.> "eek!" cried the cleaning lady.>> And she ran out of the bathroom. I wsa like "great, I'm gonna> get busted for taking a poo in an area I'm not authorized to> be in. Won't this be great. I *still* havne't lived down> falling asleep in the john last year. blargh">> I hurrily wipe and and exit the stall. And then I notice> the wallpaer. It's pink. And there's plants on the sink.> ANd they're aren't any urinals. Great, I'm in the women's> bathroom. Since it was in the opposite wing, it was on> the opposite side. I thought it was a universal thing> to put the little boy's room on the right?>> Anyhoo, I'm debating how to get out without getting spotted.> The cleaning lady is outside the door, talking anxiously to someone.> (security gaurd?) What do I do?>> humbly awaiting your reply,> hymie

} Pitiful supplicant:}} For failure to even attempt to grovel before me, I will not bother to} give you the solution to your dilemma, which I myself was in the} unfortunate position of discovering one day when Lisa was, umm,} nevermind.}} Rather, the best options available to you would be one of the} following:}} - Wrap toilet paper around you in a trashy attempt at an evening gown,} and put on your best Klinger voice as you walk out, complaining about} the dearth of quality in the fashion world.}} - If there is a large supply of toliet paper, wet it down and mold it} to the openings in the stall, sealing yourself inside with your} oblivion.}} - Get creative with the poo itself, claim you're a performance artist.}} - Give in to your gender confusion. I think Zadoc can get you a deal} with a good surgeon.}} You owe the Oracle a year supply of White Cloud, and a rendition of} "The Time Warp"

} Snarl. Snarl. Threat of ZOT because of woodchuck reference. Shouting} for Zadoc. Long, pointless discussion with Zadoc. 101 list. Demand for} some outrageous and impossible-to-obtain object.}} You owe the Oracle the promise to lay off e-mailing the Oracle for a} couple of days, or until you get your sense of humor back.

> Oh most RAM-abundant Oracle whose chips have more MIPS and whose hard> disk is never scuzzy and never goes floppy...>> I've been working in the computer industry for 8.5 years now, and I'm> doing reasonably well, but my problem is that I'm just not cool enough> to be a guru, and not nerdy enough to be a geek. What should I do?

> Oh great Oracle, I find your eye sockets to be a wondrous amusement> park filled with neo-plastic pleasures and oncogenic delights. (Love> that surrealist complement generator!) What would it be like, if Van> Gogh had painted those melting watches, instead of Salvador Dali?

} I'm not sure that *I* particularly like the surrealist complement} generator. Eye sockets? Oncogenic delights? At least it doesn't involve} spleens, like that guy in the U.P. is constantly talking about.}} Anyway, good question. Glad you asked. Since I'm feeling lazy, however,} I'm not going to answer it. Instead (surprise!) I'm going to get} someone else to answer it.}} [POOF!]}} [An elderly man in a tweed jacket with leather patches appears in a} puff of smoke.]}} ORACLE: I am the great Internet Oracle! You, William Westerforce, are} an art critic that I have summoned here to answer a simple queston.}} WESTERFORCE: I hope that "poof" business wasn't meant to imply...}} O: No, no, not at all. Now, the question at hand is, what it have been} like if Van Gogh had painted the melting watch paintings instead of} Salvador Dali?}} W: Hmm... Good question...}} O: [smirks] Thank you.}} W: Probably something like screaming melting watches with their ears} cut off.}} O: [peers closely] You haven't been sampling the surrealist complement} generator, have you?}} W: What on earth is that?}} O: Never mind. Thank you for your help.}} [POOF!]}} VOICE: And watch that "poof" stuff!}} And there you have it, supplicant. Screaming melting watches with their} ears cut off. The National Endowment for the Arts would probably have} scrambled like mad to fund it, too.}} You owe the Oracle Fragonard's "A Girl Reading". The original.