Helping a Man Who is Grieving

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A man you care about is grieving. Someone he loved has died and you would
like to help him during this difficult time. This brochure will help you know
what to do and say as you offer your love and companionship to your friend.

Men feel the need to be strong.

Even in the face of tragic loss, many men in our society still feel the need
to be self-contained, stoic and to express little or no outward emotion. It is
very much in vogue today to encourage men to openly express their feelings, but
in practice few men do so. The outward expression of grief is called mourning.
All men grieve when someone they love dies, but if they are to heal, they must also mourn.

You can help by offering a "safe place" for your friend to mourn. Tell
him you'd like to help. Offer to listen whenever he wants to talk. Don't worry so
much about what you will say. Just concentrate on the words that are being shared
with you. Let him know that in your presence at least, it's OK for him to express
whatever feelings he might have-sadness, anger, guilt, fear. Around you, he doesn't
have to be strong because you will offer support without judgment.

Men feel the need to be active.

The grief experience naturally creates a turning inward and slowing down on the
part of the mourner, a temporary self-focus that is vital to the ultimate healing
process. Yet for many men this is threatening. Masculinity is equated with striving,
moving and activity. Many grieving men throw themselves into their work in an attempt
to distract themselves from their painful feelings.

Maybe you can offer your friend both activity and time for reflection. Ask him to
shoot hoops or play golf. Go for a hike or fishing with your friend. Let him know that
you really want to hear how he's doing, how he's feeling. In the context of these
activities he just might share some of his innermost thoughts.

Active problem-solving is another common male response to grief. If a father's
child dies of SIDS, for example, the father may become actively involved in
fundraising for SIDS research. A husband whose wife is killed may focus on the
legal circumstances surrounding the death. Such activities can be healing for
grieving men and should be encouraged.

Men feel the need to be protectors.

Men are generally thought of as the "protectors" of the family. They typically work
to provide their spouses and children with a warm, safe home, safe transportation and
good medical care. So when a member of his family dies, the "man of the house" may feel
guilty. No matter how out of his control the death was, the man may feel deep down that
he has failed at protecting the people in his care.

If your friend expresses such thoughts, you will probably feel the need to reassure
him that the death was not his fault. Actually, you may help your friend more by just
listening and trying to understand. By allowing him to talk about his feelings of
failure, you are helping him to work through these feelings in his own way and his own time.

It's OK for men to grieve differently.

We've said that men feel the need to be strong and active in the face of grief.
Such responses are OK as long as your friend isn't avoiding his feelings altogether.
It's also OK for men to feel and express rage, to be more cognitive or analytical about
the death, to not cry. All of these typically masculine responses to grief may help your
friend heal; there is no one "right" way to mourn a death.

Avoid clichés.

Sometimes words, particularly clichés, can be extremely painful for
mourners. Clichés are trite comments often intended to provide simple solutions
to difficult realities. Men are often told "You'll get over this" or "Don't worry, you
and Susie (can) have another child" or "Think about the good times." Comments like these
are not constructive. Instead, they hurt because they diminish a very real and very painful loss.

Make contact.

Your presence at the funeral is important. As a ritual, the funeral provides an
opportunity for you to express your love and concern at this time of need. As you pay
tribute to a life that is now passed, you have a chance to support your grieving friend.
At the funeral, a touch of your hand, a look in your eye or even a hug communicates more
than words could ever say.

But don't just attend the funeral then disappear. Remain available afterwards as well.
Grief is a process, and it may take your friend years to reconcile himself to his new
life. Remember that your grieving friend may need you more in the weeks and months after
the funeral than at the time of the death.

Be aware of holidays and other significant days.

Your friend may have a difficult time during special occasions like holidays and
other significant days, such as the birthday of the person who died and the anniversary
of the death. These events emphasize the person's absence. Respect this pain as a natural
extension of the grief process.

These are appropriate times to visit your friend or write a note or simply give him
a quick phone call. Your ongoing support will be appreciated and healing.

Watch for warning signs.

Men who deny and repress their real feelings of grief may suffer serious long-term
problems. Among these are:

chronic depression, withdrawal and low self-esteem

deterioration in relationships with friends and family

physical complaints such as headaches, fatigue and backaches

chronic anxiety, agitation and restlessness

chemical abuse or dependence

indifference toward others, insensitivity and workaholism

If you see any of these symptoms in your friend, talk to him about your concern.
Find helping resources for him in his community, such as support groups and grief
counselors. You can't force your friend to seek help but you can make it easier for
him to seek help.

Understand the importance of the loss.

Always remember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience.
As a result of this death, your friend's life is under reconstruction. Consider
the significance of the loss and be compassionate and available in the weeks and
months to come.

"Helping a friend in grief is a difficult task. Helping a man in grief can
be especially difficult, so few friends follow through in their desire to help.
I encourage you to stand by your friend during this painful time. Your ongoing presence,
patience and support will help him more than you will ever know."

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.Center for Loss and Life Transition

About the Author

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing grief counselor. He
serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins,
Colorado and presents dozens of grief-related workshops each year across North America.
Among his books are Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas and The Healing
Your Grieving Heart Journal for Teens. For more information, write or call The Center
for Loss and Life Transition, 3735 Broken Bow Road, Fort Collins, Colorado 80526,
(970) 226-6050 or visit their website, www.centerforloss.com.