Paddy Shennan recalls the Royal Variety Performance made famous by a John Lennon remark – and wonders whether anyone will dare court controversy at next week’s regal show at the Liverpool Empire.

FORTY-FOUR years ago, a cheeky, chirpy Scouser called John Lennon provoked sharp intakes of breath among The Establishment, as The Beatles took the Royal Variety Performance by storm.

He famously told Her Royal Highness and Co: “For our last number I’d like to ask your help. ‘Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewellery.”

It provoked laughter, but also some unease – as in: “Good Lord! The irreverent, young mop top scamp has jolly well gone too far this time!”

How quaint.

Fast forward to 2007, and a cast of what seems like thousands at next Monday’s Royal Variety show at the Liverpool Empire – including colourful and controversial performers who could make Lennon’s supposedly risque remarks sound as edgy as a night out with Noddy and Big Ears in Toytown.

So how will the Queen and Prince Philip take to self-styled “ex-junkie twerp” Russell Brand and outspoken American rapper Kanye West?

And are they fans of Yankee rockers Bon Jovi?

You can imagine (well, you HAVE to imagine, because you’ll never get past security), the possible exchanges between Liz and Phil as they prepare to hit Lime Street.

Liz: “This is the 79th Royal Variety Performance . . .”

Phil (interrupting): “Are you sure? It feels like I’ve sat through at least 500 of the blasted things!”

Liz: “Philip, please!”

Phil: “J for joke, my petal. J for joke.”

Liz: “Ah, I really like Dame Kiri Te Kanawa and Darcey Bussell, while that James Blunt has got such a nice voice. Enrique Iglesias can hold a tune, too, and he’s such a handsome young man. Oh, and there’s Paul Potts. He’s very . . . striking.”

Phil: “Remind me, Liz, Who’s Russell Brand?”

Liz: “He’s that very flamboyant, very skinny young man. He’s a comedian and TV presenter who talks very quickly, indeed, and he has wild black hair and wears black eyeliner.”

Phil: “Black eyeliner! He didn’t go to Sandhurst, then?”

Liz: “I don’t think so, but he did work at MTV – he was sacked for turning up to work dressed as Osama bin Laden, on the day after 9/11.”

Phil: “I know what you’re thinking, but even I believe that’s in poor taste.”

Liz: “He’s a reformed character in many ways. For example, he knocked the heroin on the head in 2003. And he’s got a really large and loyal fanbase these days, not least among the ladies – that newspaper the Scousers don’t like named him their Sha**er of the Year in 2006.”

Phil: “Bit of a lad, ‘eh, despite the make-up? Has he met young Harry? Oh look! Bon Jovi are on! I like them. I think their third album, Slippery When Wet, was my favourite. But who’s this Kanye West character?”

Liz: “Apparently he’s an American rapper and record producer. Nearly two years ago, he appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine as Jesus, wearing a crown of thorns. A short time later, he said something in Playboy about how he should be in a modern-day Bible, claiming ‘I throw up historical subjects in a way that makes kids want to learn about them.’”

Phil: “Well, I’ve never heard of the fellow.”

Liz: “He’s been in the news a lot. And his lyrics are quite thought-provoking. In his song Stronger, for example, he raps ‘Bow in the presence of greatness/cos right now thou has forsaken us/You should be honoured by my lateness/That I would even show up to this fake sh**/So go ahead, go nuts, go ape sh**/Especially in my pastel on my bape sh**.”

Phil: “What the hell does that mean? He wants to get his sh** together.”

Liz: “Well, I think he’s got a lot of interesting things to say about hip hop, homophobia and the portrayal of black people in the media.”

Liz: “I thought The Beatles might have been playing, as we’re in ‘the ‘pool’.”

Phil: “Perhaps they’ve split up.”

So, will all the performers be on their “Sunday best” next Monday, or will someone – perhaps Brand, perhaps Kanye West (perhaps, even, that nice opera singer Katherine Jenkins – or perhaps not) – break cover and say something risque or rude?