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} Well, that's a tricky one. You see, the Oracle's computer} is a massively parallel array of sentient beings. That's right,} you, and your sister, and the cockroach you stepped on} this morning, and the funny little inhabitants of Antares III} are nothing more or less than information processors.} Some of you are big, dumb memory units (that explains} your roommate) and some of you are quick, agile} computation units (one of them sits next to you in} Philosophy). You are all linked together through the} Oracle's RumorNet transport system, which can actually} move information at trans-luminal speeds. (If you doubt} this, start a juicy rumor right now and see how long it} takes to reach Lhasa, Tibet.)}} And what, you may ask, is the Oracle doing with this} array? It is trying to derive, from first principles, where} the hell that contact lens will go when it gets dropped} tomorrow morning.}} Oh, and to answer your supplication, the newest download} is Thomas Callahan, 6 pounds 8 ounces, installed at Lansing} Michigan at 8:05 this morning. He's an 8Thz computation} unit and cute as a button.}} You owe the Oracle twin processors.

} It would feel like Madonna's chastity, Bush's honesty and Hussein's} survival chances. It would look like a humble US Senator, an efficient} Microsoft product and a valid reason for invading Iraq. It would smell} like a fine smoke, the dung of a Yeti and a good cup of Russian coffee.} It would sound like a good Steven Segal movie, a country music song} worth listening to, and an informative White House press briefing.}} It would be carried by a man who understood women, in a dinosaur-hide} briefcase, along with the Constitutional rights protected by the} Patriot Act, Al Gore's charisma, and Dick Cheney's morality.}} You owe the Oracle a new world - I'm sick of the one we've got.

} It all began nearly thousand years ago. Chen the Coppersmith was a} skilled gan-tsik, or "maker of swords". He also made knives and daggers} and shortswoods, but he was best known for his longsword: straight and} heavy and sharp. It was the sword used by Dag the Warrior, the best} swordsman in the city where Chen lived. Thus it was known as the} Tsik-chor, for it was the "sword of warriors".}} Like most copper longswords, though, Chen's swords tended to break} easily. The longer the sword, the more easily it would break. This} saddened Chen. He decided to close himself in his smithy, accepting no} customers, until he had found a way to make a sword that was longer} than his longsword, but just as strong and durable.}} Eventually, after weeks of little sleep, no food, and only a sip of} water each day, Chen emerged. "I have done it!" he shouted. He bore a} sword that was different from other swords. The blade of the sword was} not made from one simple piece of metal, but from many -- pounded} together under great heat, angled one atop another, to produce a long,} continuously curved blade. Where the pieces of metal were joined,} hatchmarks could be seen running up and down the blade, glinting in the} sunlight. "I shall call it the Tsik-Chen, he said -- "the sword of} Chen".}} Now that the sword was complete, he knew what had to be done. He rushed} to the Dag the Warrior. But Dag had been in many battles in his life,} always with a straight sword. "I have trust in my sword," he said. "But} I fear to lay down my life with this new and untested blade." This made} Tski-Chen very sad, for he had worked so hard to create this sword.}} But this conversation was heard by Afuol the Merchant, a wily and} clever trickster. He came later to Chen and told him that if Chen could} produce for him three dozen swords in three months, then Afuol would} buy them. Of course, Chen readily agreed, and Afuol paid him well.}} Afuol immediately began to spread the word of Chen's swords. But Afuol} did not use Chen's name at all, calling it the Tsik-Ban, the} hatchmarked blade. This way, buyers who heard his rumors would not know} that it was Chen who created the swords. He also twisted the words he} had overheard, saying that the blade with the hatchmarks was one that} even caused Dag the Warrior to fear. When they heard this, sellers from} miles around became interested in the sword that struck fear in Dag the} Warrior's heart.}} Chen was displeased to hear of how Afuol spoke, but what was he to do?} He had already made a deal with Afuol, and was honor bound to create} nearly twoscore hatchmarked blades. Still, the words ate at Chen's} heart, and he was unable to think clearly. Sword after sword was ruined} at his hand, to foolish and simple mistakes. Soon, the three months} were nearly passed, and Chen had only ten swords to show.}} But then Chen had a thought. He only promised to supply longer, curved,} hatchmarked swords -- but made no promise that they be good swords, and} strong swords. And none knew that Chen was the maker of the swords, so} what had he to lose? He took six and thirty of his normal longswords,} and began to rebeat them on the anvil. He drew them out, and bent the} blades, and even cut into them hatched markings with a knife. Each step} weakend them, but Afuol would not know, for Afuol was neither a} swordsman nor a maker of swords.}} And so Chen delivered three dozen swords, and Afuol sold them. And} those that bought them told of what poor swords they were, and few of} them ever bought another thing from Afuol again, leaving him penniless.} But when Chen offered to replace the poor swords with his own Tsi-Chen,} he was hailed as a hero, and many saw the quality of his true} workmanship.}} This story may or may not answer your question. But more importantly,} it demonstrates several very important points:}} 1) You cannot teach an old Dag new Tsiks.} 2) Afuol and his money are soon parted.} 3) Don't count your Tsi-Chen before they're hatched.}} You owe the Oracle -- well, no. Actually, the Oracle owes you a sincere} apology.

} You've been a good hobgoblin. Our records show that you have repelled} 34 adventurers with a total EXP of 12,334 points and reclaimed a total} of 42,111 gold from them. As any dungeon hack knows, the nastier} monsters are always located on the lower levels, so to go along with} your promotion we are providing you with a new Mean Nasty Sword and} upping your diseased rat supply by 2 per day. Hopefully you will} continue to be a valuable monster and we can eventually promote you to} a bodyguard of the Evil Wicked Dragon on level 5.

} *** PRESENTING THE ORACLE SOCK PUPPET THEATRE ***}} Starring...}} Peter Politicus, a senior member of the} Republican-Conservative-Democratic-Communist-} Nazi-PseudoReligous-Grey Party}} Charlie Cheerhard, a fan of his local team}} Orrie - The Wise and All Knowing Oracle} ------------------}} PETER: Hello, boys and girls!}} CHARLIE: Ah, bugger off, you load of little *CENSORED*}} ORRIE: Watch your language, Charlie. Now, we're here to explain to the} little boys and girls why you two are different}} PETER: Well, as my party has always said - we're one with the people}} ORRIE: No they haven't}} PETER: Well, we've always supported the soccer fan community!}} ORRIE: No you haven't}} PETER: We're dedicated to wiping out the unpleasant aspects of the} soccer fans}} ORRIE: No you're not. Don't make me ZOT you.}} PETER: We're a load of lying, conniving thieves who just want to exploit} the public for our own gain?}} ORRIE: That's better.}} CHARLIE: And I'm so much better than that! I fight for a cause! I riot} for a reason!}} ORRIE: You mean when one man kicks a ball between two posts, you have to} go out and cause harm to your fellow man}} CHARLIE: Yeah, they don't support The Team.}} -----------------}} So, there you have it. The stereotypical politician is evil. The} stereotypical soccer fan is just misguided.}} You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest book "How not to generalise"} by A. L. L. Cases

> Commendable Oracle, none is more deserving than you to have these> 752 negotiable US government welfare checks in varying amounts that> I stole from some mailboxes last mother's day, here they're yours...>> If might doesn't make right, what does?

} Mr. President, the Oracle is frankly offended} that you would try to buy it off with a few} looted checks. I mean, you're about to reward} your country club buddies with a half-trillion} dollar tax cut taken from widows, children, and} veterans; and the best you could do for the} Oracle was a few thousand in small checks?}} Fie on you, and after all I did for you in Florida.}} You owe the Oracle a regime change.

> In the Oracular Humor System, the Oracle is represented by three> separate, yet equally important groups: The supplicants, who ask the> questions; the incarnations, who answer them; and the Priests, who> select the best oracularities.>> These are their stories.>> [DUB-DUM]

} [ A sparse 1950's office, in black and white. Behind a cheap} desk sits the Oracle wearing a fedora, a suit and way too} skinny tie. Before the desk stands oracle Priest Tom Chew,} his haircut no less hideous in black and white than color.} Next to Chew stands the Supplicant. ]}} Voice Over: This is my desk at Queue Central. The Tellme} Beat. This is where the public comes when they} have questions. I answer them. I am The Oracle.}} Chew: He's got a question.}} Orrie: He does, huh?}} Supplicant: Yeah, a question.}} Chew: He wants to ask it.}} Orrie: Well, then have him ask it.}} Supplicant: OK, I'll ask it.}} //////////////// screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!! ////////}} [ Everything comes to a halt, Priest Kendai wanders in from} off stage. ]}} Kendai: No, no, no! This will not do people! Way too Old} Hat. Way too Old School. People want action. People} demand the Now! The Cool! And LOTS OF COLOR! Let's} get this right! Retake!}} [ Scene: Ultra High Tech Loft full of chrome and computers,} huge picture windows look out on to an impossibly} blue bay. Jets and helicopters zip by. Almost every-} one is dressed in bright designer linen suits. The} Oracle, all in orange, is draped over a love seat} yakking into a cell phone. Chew is sipping a hot} cappuccino, he's wearing a baggy LA Laker's warm} up suit, thankfully on his head is some huge non-} descript floppy rave hat. The Supplicant is nearby} rocking to the latest indie hit pouring out of unseen} speakers as he plays a bootleg copy of DOOM III on} his Wi-Fi laptop. ]}} Orrie: Smack!}} Chew: Connected!}} Supplicant: Phraseology Central.}} [ All leap out the window and twist and turn in physics} defying manners a'la "The Matrix" and land in a jet} Hummer convertible below. ]}} Orrie: Catastrophic!}} Chew: Mesmerizing!}} Supplicant: Tortured by Love!}} [ A rocket propelled grenade attack on the trio ensues,} they counter attack in slow motion using ninja stars} and fruit roll ups in a weird product placement way.} A whole lot of explosions and gratuitous violence} later we find them all slumming at a Denny's sipping} bad coffee as a saxophone player in a clown suit} serenades them at their table. ]}} Kendai: Cut! Wow! Now that's art!} -----------------}} You owe the Oracle an Oscar.

} The top ten pets after WW3:}} 10. The cockroach. These hardy little creatures can survive just about} anything, up to and including nuclear holocaust. As a result, many} people have adopted these insects as pets, though not necessarily} voluntarily.}} 9. The Geneco Geniedog(TM). Trust no-one... except your genetically} engineered guard dog that can smell an intruder from up to a mile away!} (NOTE: Geneco is not responsible if Geniedog(TM) attacks, injures,} and/or kills your friends, family, and/or you.)}} 8. The w**dch*ck. Having started the war, the ROUS realized they needed} some sort of disguise, to protect themselves in case anyone found out,} and to make sure that nobody did. Thus, domestication. Within a few} years, however, stupidity will have been permanently bred into them by} fetching too many sticks.}} 7. The voices. Radiation does things to you, you know?}} 6. The house cat. Do you think they even noticed?}} 5. The slime mold. Do you think they even noticed?}} 4. The pet rock. Not so much nostalgia as it is availability.}} 3. The Infocorp Aipet(TM). Affordable, and very slightly more} companionable than a pet rock. (Unfortunately, due to a wipe of} Infocorp's main computers by an EMP during the war, the Aipet(TM) has} currently enough brains to simulate a very dimwitted, parrot-like} psychiatrist who doesn't know the language very well. Infocorp never} got around to fixing this because they found that people rather *liked*} dimwitted, parrot-like psychiatrists who don't know the language very} well. This may also account for the high rate of mental disorders} amoung the public.)}} 2. The computer mouse. One can always pretend...}} And the number one pet after WW3:}} 1. The human. By the time the aliens came the war had totally destroyed} the human military.}} You owe the Oracle a question other than "How much shniv would a} shnivflorp florp if a shnivflorp would shniv florp?"