How to deal with a toxic family member

Whether you're dealing with a jealous sibling determined to spoil your celebrations, a bitter parent who thwarts your attempts at happiness, or a whining, negative relative who lives in an eternal pity party, dealing with a toxic family member is one of the most complex relationship situations to navigate.

If a friend or romantic partner treated you that way, you'd probably bid them farewell in a flash. But it’s different with a family relationship. The shared history and sense of obligation that comes with families means you often feel torn about what to do.

Coach asked psychologist and mother of fourSally-Anne McCormack for some family relationship advice.

Signs of toxicity

It may take some time to realise that you’re in a toxic family relationship. You may first notice negative communication patterns. If you're feeling angry, stressed or anxious when you're around the particular relative, then there's a good chance you're dealing with someone toxic.

"You might feel really drained when you're around them and dread going to see them," McCormack explains.

"A sign of a healthy relationship is feeling positive and elated after spending time with them. But if you feel depressed, down or drained – that's not a good sign."

McCormack says there is a difference between toxicity and abuse.

"Toxic is frustrating and might get you down, but it's something you can manage," McCormack says.

"But if it's abusive or dangerous, you need to get out and get help." Seek family relationship counselling. Counsellors and community agencies can provide family relationship services to help you and your loved one work out your issues.

When to take action

Obviously it's a case-by-case basis working out whether to call out your relative for their Debbie Downer behaviour.

"If someone has mental health issues or is going through a stressful patch, you might need to come to some understanding of someone's situation," McCormack says.

Some good family relationship advice is to attempt to have an open conversation about why they are behaving the way they are, that may shed some light on the situation.

"It might be that your parent is calling you a no-hoper because they want you to do better," McCormack points out.

There might also be other things causing them stress and making them act out.

"If you're at your grandma's house and your mum is always tense there and is a cow to you, try to notice that when you go there and have some acceptance," McCormack suggests.

If you decide you need to confront them, McCormack suggests approaching it in a positive way.

"Try saying something like, "Mum I really love you, you've been so great, but here is what I want to change,' then finish on a positive note," she says.

If you feel like you don't have the authority to pull up a parent or you're fearful of their reaction, some other good family relationship advice is to workshop your own reaction to what they do.

"So if your dad tells you you're no good, then rather than bursting into tears and yelling and screaming, could you choose a different response or behaviour?" she suggests.

"You can't change someone else's behaviour but you can influence it by changing your reaction. They might end up stopping the behaviour because they realise they are not getting a response."

Similarly, taking the higher road in a toxic family relationship can work out well.

"If your sister is competitive and if you say 'I wrote a book' they come back with 'I wrote two books', then maybe you could acknowledge it or say 'That's great, I'm happy for you' rather than competing back," McCormack says.