Category: US News

TIJUANA – In the spirit of Black Friday weekend, U.S. Border Patrol agents offered free tear gas canisters to members of the migrant caravan trying to illegally enter the country. There were few takers. David Sanchez of U.S. Customs and Border Protection in San Ysidro, California, said, “We saw hordes of migrants rushing toward our gates and it looked just like the crowds storming a store on Black Friday. We were running some amazing specials on tear gas canisters – practically giving them away – to any migrants that wanted…

Ready to get on with their lives, American voters sarcastically thanked Florida’s election officials for dragging the country through a recount for the senate and governor races. A weary nation sarcastically acknowledged Florida’s Democratic officials for their incompetence in the midterm election. “Yeah that was fun, Florida. Thanks. Can we stop playing around and get back to reality now?” GOP voters across the nation did not appreciate the ridiculous waste of time the recount was, all in a failed attempt by election officials in a few counties to steal the…

WASHINGTON – Nancy Pelosi is the Hillary Clinton of Congress – she won’t go away. Whether 78 or 178-years-old, now that Democrats have won back the House, she’ll die before seeing another possess the power of the magic gavel she once held. “I know there are others out there who feel they’re better than me,” Nancy admitted. “Especially some of the young upstarts in our party. But I will do well in the interview part of the judging, I’ll ace the talent portion, and I’m a slam dunk in the…

BROWARD COUNTY – With a wink and a nod, Broward County elections supervisor Brenda Snipes says the Florida recount for the DeSantis/Gillum race is under control. But is she telling the truth? A facial tic that Snipes has had for years makes it hard to tell. She explains that constant winking at Democrats and looking the other way as voter fraud is committed under her (watchful?) eye are to blame for her facial tic. “It is what it is. I can’t help it,” Snipes says, as she slips another bundle…

WASHINGTON – CNN crybaby Jim Acosta is used to having people want to kick him out of places. In fact, just yesterday he had his White House press pass revoked and Secret Service denied him entrance to a briefing. Acosta had been a huge douchebag in an exchange with the president earlier in the day. Now, the problem is hitting the reporter close to home. “I was standing in my dressing room, preparing for an appearance on a late night TV show, and my reflection was being such a douche!…

CRUZ TERRITORY – Now that the election is over, waste management officials in Texas are worried about all those BETO yard signs littering the Lone Star State. They aren’t sure the state’s landfills can handle that much extra trash. Manuel Flores, site manager for Texas Disposal Systems, thinks the state should sell the signs back to Hollywood celebrities. “They paid for most of those signs. Maybe we could sell them back for pennies on the dollar. Then it’s their problem. We’re also looking at working a deal with some other…

NEW YORK – Actor Alec Baldwin finally pushed his luck too far this week. He was busted by NYPD on Friday for impersonating President Trump one too many times. After beating the Trump-hating actor to a parking space, a man pointed out that Baldwin’s Trump impression had jumped the shark months ago. The actor reacted by angrily following, then punching, the stranger. The man is in stable condition after witnessing Baldwin’s performance up close and personal. Alec has been charged with attacking the nation’s intelligence with his impersonation of the…

NEW YORK – At Planned Parenthood (PP) headquarters, employees are furious over President Trump’s plans to affect their future business. Trump is considering ending the birthright citizenship provision of the 14th amendment in our Constitution. The move is an attempt to stop the practice of giving babies born to non-citizens (illegals) legal citizenship, even though their parents are not Americans. The amendment was written at the time to award citizenship to slaves. “Noooooo!!!!!!!” cried baby dismemberment expert, Bianca Lennox. “I’ve been aborting babies here for years. And killing babies of…

LOS ANGELES – The Boston Red Sox are world champions again. They defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers 4 games to 1 to claim the title. Some say it was Boston’s pitching, timely hitting, or the Dodgers’ quiet bats that were to blame for LA’s loss. The media know better. They always do. President Trump rigged the series before it even started. “From being here in Dodger Stadium, I can tell you first hand, because I witnessed this myself, there were people openly rooting for the visiting team,” reported CNN’s Dana…

WASHINGTON – The Department of Homeland Security issued a statement this morning regarding the serial mail bomber currently terrorizing Democrats. The statement reads “that the domestic terrorist has been dubbed the ‘Dumbass Bomber.’” The label is applicable because of those who have been targeted so far. Part of the statement reads as follows: For the time being, the Dept. of Homeland Security will officially be referring to the serial bomber as the ‘Dumbass Bomber.’ Based on forensic analyses of the recipients of the devices found to this point, it appears…