Pam’s Fangtastic Fashion Tips: Audrey Hepburn Edition

Okay readers, it’s time to pick your jaws up off the floor about the fact that I would take the time and help you all with your obvious fashion crisis. Before you read any further, let’s get something straight — I am not doing this for you. I was “offered” the latest line of Stuart Weitzman pumps for my wisdom and expertise. So don’t let it go to your heads and start thinking I really care that the fashion police may come knocking at your door because … I don’t. I just want those pumps.

First of all, the way most of you dress out here is a disgrace even to your kind. You really need to go on the Internet and check out what people in the real world are wearing and keep up with the times. Occasionally, I have to admit, a fangbanger may have the right idea. But that doesn’t happen very often.

Let’s begin with a few fashion faux pas. Leggings paired with t-shirts are a fashion felony. The 80s are over and anyone who steps outside of their home wearing this in 2010 should be drained and their corpse discarded in a mass unmarked grave.

If you are over the age of 10, baby doll dresses are out. They should never even be sold in an adult size and just because they are, does not mean you should purchase one. If you are not out hunting weres, there is NEVER an excuse for a woman to wear camouflage! It must be the most unbecoming print ever designed and why any human cares to wear this baffles me.

Another atrocity are those nerf-type shoes you humans call Crocs. You truly deserve to have a crocodile eat your feet off if you slide your feet into a pair. How can you dare be seen in public wearing such shoes? Maddening!

If we take a look at history, your human actress Audrey Hepburn was a real fashion winner. Audrey dressed with class, style, sophistication, and good taste. Somewhere across the line, the majority of you humans have derailed and prefer to dress like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen because of some new fad. Let me tell you, fads come and go but true fashion is here to stay. You will never see a black Chanel cocktail dress go out of style, but see how many wears you get out of your tie-dyed, over-sized t-shirt dress.

There are a few essentials every woman should have in her closet to build a suitable wardrobe. First, I must advise all of you humans to please burn everything you have already and start from scratch. Let’s begin with a simple black dress, which can be taken from day to evening. Pair this dress with beautiful designer pumps and you are ready for an evening party. Add a tailored blazer and simple pumps and you have a flawless daytime suit.

Next is a classic, but designer white button down blouse, which can be paired with trousers, skirts or even the denim you humans are so fond of. Speaking of denim, since you humans are so attached to this fabric, I suppose it is essential to have one good pair of denim jeans, without holes! This can complete your casual attire but please go for a good label and a pair of jeans which suit your body type. And never purchase a pair two sizes too small.

A good pair of neutral trousers are an import asset. You never know when your boss may have you trek through the swamp looking for a maenad.

Other pieces I advise you must add are a simple white tee, a twin set and a sensible pair of black pumps. These pieces will help you build a solid foundation toward a proper style.

I hope you humans will take my advice and spread the word among your kind. I look forward to the day when you each learn to dress as well as I, but I do not believe even I will live that long. Feel free to leave your fashion questions in the comments below! Well, I’m off to collect my Stuart Weitzman pumps. Tata dahlings!