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Cats are demanding and sometimes don’t stop pestering us until they get what they want. And they can hold a bit of a grudge. My Phoebe is particular about the kinds of treats she’ll eat. If I’m doling out goodies and she decides she doesn’t like or want the one I’m offering, she shoots me the smelliest stink-eye you’ve ever seen. And then she shuns me for a little while. Diva.

Cats are lethal combination of sharp and sassy, and I’m certain, if given the opportunity and the right crafting supplies, they’d further boss us around via ransom notes and threatening demands. This is why we should start locking up our glue sticks, people.

Here are six ransom notes and threatening demands my cats would create with me in mind.

1. Sticking it to the man … or woman, as it were

It’s no secret that Saffy loves her some butter. And if we accidentally leave a stick of the stuff of on the counter, she’ll go to just about any length to stuff her snout right into it. When she hears us coming, she jumps from the counter, thinking we’ll never be the wiser. When confronted about the cat-tongue grooves along the sides of stick, she blames my 15-year-old son, which is entirely believable. And the part about the remote? Have you ever tried to watch TV without a remote nowadays? This note was penned by shrewd paws. Also, I sound like a 75-year-old. “Nowadays?”

2. This note is the last straw (or three)

My cats are freaks about anything they can bat around on the kitchen floor. They especially enjoy found objects as toys. This includes caps of all kinds, Q-tips (particularly gunky ones), and ballpoint pens. Straws are also a popular item, and the wrapped ones are especially attractive because of the bonus paper for chewing. My cats would absolutely use straws as a bargaining tool.

Saffy is a pretty girl, but she’s a little dim in the brains department. I’m not trying to be mean or anything — she just doesn’t always put two and two together the way other cats might do. In her world, 2 + 2 = butter. Like I described above, she’s pretty single-minded. When she’s not sitting in her basket looking pretty, she’s after somebody’s food. This is why I’m pretty certain she’d get to the end of the ransom note and draw a complete blank … and then become distracted by a plate on the kitchen counter.

3. Hope you kept the receipts

I know some cats don’t mind wearing clothing, and my three will tolerate it for a few minutes. After I take photos, they’re ready to claw their way out of the deplorable duds. Because of this, I rarely subject them to wearing anything besides their natural fur coats. At holidays, however, I sometimes can’t help myself. Have you seen some of the adorable Santa hats with beards attached? Now that’s some cute cat-bearding!

If my cats dug around in a Target bag and saw the clothing catastrophes that awaited them, they might just sit down and let me know, in no uncertain terms, that there will be consequences. When they really want to get me, they mess with my sleep.

4. Get a watch and use it

Cats love routine and mine start circling like sharks about an hour before mealtime. On the very rare occasion that someone is late feeding them, they’re openly disgusted. If there were too many days of the whole late-dinner business, I’d definitely start watching my back. Think they don’t have the cojones to change the locks? You’ve never met a cat with a grudge.

5. Don’t be a cheapskate

Like I mentioned in the introduction, Phoebe is picky about her treats, and she’s not shy about flicking her tail in my face as commentary on my shopping choices. She likes the good stuff and so, like an obedient human, I try to keep the pantry stocked with Her Highness’s favorites. I don’t think she’d ever vomit on my hair while I slumbered, but I do think she likes constructing colorful threats.

6. Say cheese … or else

If a cat will change a lock on the front door, he’ll certainly change a computer password, especially if something as delectable as cheese is on the line. Dogs love cheese, cats love cheese, I love cheese … who doesn’t love cheese? In fact, I’m always a little suspicious of someone who doesn’t drool over the myriad of cheese choices that line the grocery store counters — lactose intolerant folks and vegans excluded, of course.

My cats could each write this ransom note, but only Phoebe or Cosmo would actually have the smarts to change the password. Saffy would have butter … I mean better things to do.

What kind of threats or demands would your cat make in a ransom note? Tell us about it in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is a weird girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a ridiculous humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.