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Feeling Left Out by a Friend

October 30th, 2018, 08:49 AM

I need advice on whether Iím being overly sensitive and advice on how to proceed from here with this friend.

A close friend (ďCĒ)and I were talking about a local theme park. I said that I was supposed to go with my significant other, but our plans fell through. I was disappointed, but I didnít bother asking C to go, instead, because I knew she had been to the theme park recently so I figured she wouldnít want to spend the money. During this conversation, C mentioned casually that a mutual friend, ďKĒ, had asked her to go to this theme park but C had been too busy with a project at work.

A couple days later, I found out C responded back to K and made plans with K to go to the park this coming weekend. I initially expressed disappointment in a non-confrontational way by saying something like, ďGee, I wish youíd asked me because I wanted to go, too.Ē Rather than respond with, ďOh wow, I didnít even think about it. Would you like to buy a ticket and we can all go?Ē, C had a bunch of excuses like: it was a last minute decision, and K was the one who had asked C so C was being nice and going with K, and C had that day off of work, so it worked out that they could go. I expressed how hurt I was at being excluded. C defensively responded that it wasnít deliberate and that she wasnít thinking about me when talking to K about going. C meant the ďnot thinking about meĒ part as a deliberate dig to let me know that Iím unimportant and I donít occupy her thoughts all the time (I donít expect her to be thinking of me all the time.)

Some additional facts: K is jealous of how close C and I are and has maneuvered things to where I was left out or made to feel like the 3rd wheel on several prior occasions. The last couple of times weíve gotten together, itís been lots of fun with no problems.

At this point, my anger and hurt have mostly subsided. Iíve been friends with C for several years. C isnít going to contact me until sometime next week when Iím sure she will text me to see if Iím going to the gym. She will act like nothing happened.

PMA1506 I've been in a similar situation but it's not the same exact story, naturally. I say let it go. Believe me, this is not worth fighting, arguing, getting hurt over, stewing over, holding grudges over and allowing this bad memory to fester. Consider this amusement park debacle history and start fresh. Put this behind you.

Stay cool, be kind and they'll come around. Be above it. Don't create drama with these people. Don't stoop low and go back and fight about this because it's not worth it. It's not worth raising your blood pressure and it's never worth your stress and angst.

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I need advice on whether Iím being overly sensitive and advice on how to proceed from here with this friend.

A close friend (ďCĒ)and I were talking about a local theme park. I said that I was supposed to go with my significant other, but our plans fell through. I was disappointed, but I didnít bother asking C to go, instead, because I knew she had been to the theme park recently so I figured she wouldnít want to spend the money. During this conversation, C mentioned casually that a mutual friend, ďKĒ, had asked her to go to this theme park but C had been too busy with a project at work.

A couple days later, I found out C responded back to K and made plans with K to go to the park this coming weekend. I initially expressed disappointment in a non-confrontational way by saying something like, ďGee, I wish youíd asked me because I wanted to go, too.Ē Rather than respond with, ďOh wow, I didnít even think about it. Would you like to buy a ticket and we can all go?Ē, C had a bunch of excuses like: it was a last minute decision, and K was the one who had asked C so C was being nice and going with K, and C had that day off of work, so it worked out that they could go. I expressed how hurt I was at being excluded. C defensively responded that it wasnít deliberate and that she wasnít thinking about me when talking to K about going. C meant the ďnot thinking about meĒ part as a deliberate dig to let me know that Iím unimportant and I donít occupy her thoughts all the time (I donít expect her to be thinking of me all the time.)

Some additional facts: K is jealous of how close C and I are and has maneuvered things to where I was left out or made to feel like the 3rd wheel on several prior occasions. The last couple of times weíve gotten together, itís been lots of fun with no problems.

At this point, my anger and hurt have mostly subsided. Iíve been friends with C for several years. C isnít going to contact me until sometime next week when Iím sure she will text me to see if Iím going to the gym. She will act like nothing happened.

PMA1506 You are blowing this way out of proportion. It's ok for friends to have other friends. C doesn't have to include you in everything so yes, you are being over sensitive. You are acting very immature and you need to grow up. The part where you think C was having a dig because she wasn't thinking about you is ludicrous. Get a life.

I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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Seriously, you will have to start maturing and stop being so dramatic if you ever want to have drama-free mature friendships in your life. This whole jealousy act about who likes who more and who is getting left out is ridiculous and petty.

* You don't always have to hang out all together. Sometimes people have a reason for wanting to go 1 on 1. And that's fine
* You don't have to be included in everything. You have a shared friendship, but each of you have individual friendships too where you may or may not share certain things with each other.
* You need to stop feeling jealous or insecure because someone else is getting attention and you're not. That's part of being a grown-up.

I might add that if C is invited by K, it would even be rude towards K to extend the invitation to you without checking with K first. It was pretty presumptuous to expect to be invited just because your friend was invited.

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I wouldn't have liked it if two close friends I know were going to the same event and if even one of them knew my plans fell through and didn't invite me. But at the bottom of your post you revealed that K is a jealous bitch. If K is a jealous bitch, why would I want to spend time around a bitch? I wouldn't even want to be around K in the first place even if it was hanging out as a trio of friends. None of this makes sense in the big picture. I think your ego is hurt but you're not really asking yourself if you'd enjoy yourself with K. What a waste of time that would be.

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I wouldn't have liked it if two close friends I know were going to the same event and if even one of them knew my plans fell through and didn't invite me. But at the bottom of your post you revealed that K is a jealous bitch. If K is a jealous bitch, why would I want to spend time around a bitch? I wouldn't even want to be around K in the first place even if it was hanging out as a trio of friends. None of this makes sense in the big picture. I think your ego is hurt but you're not really asking yourself if you'd enjoy yourself with K. What a waste of time that would be.

I hadnít really thought of it that way. Thatís a good point asking why I would even want to hang out with K. I got distracted by the being left out part. K has been a mixed bag, as far as socializing with her goes. Sometimes, she is really fun to hang out with and other times, sheís moody.

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Well, don't beat yourself up- we all get hurt from time to time but it sometimes depends on who's doing the hurting. Don't let people like that get you down. It's not worth it in the long run. You just keep doing your thing and remember to love yourself and enjoy your precious time, however you wish. It's also annoying I can imagine that your plans fell through with your SO. Let that part go, don't carry it around (not saying you are but I probably would subconsciously). Think of it this way: now you've got lots of time to do as you wish and have fun however you like that day.

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C isnít going to contact me until sometime next week when Iím sure she will text me to see if Iím going to the gym. She will act like nothing happened.

Nothing did happen.

A close friend (ďCĒ)and I were talking about a local theme park. I said that I was supposed to go with my significant other, but our plans fell through. I was disappointed, but I didnít bother asking C to go, instead, because I knew she had been to the theme park recently so I figured she wouldnít want to spend the money.

For all that is good, surely you don't expect to be invited to everything C goes to when you yourself didn't invite her when you and your boyfriend were going to go "but things fell through."

"First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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Well, don't beat yourself up- we all get hurt from time to time but it sometimes depends on who's doing the hurting. Don't let people like that get you down. It's not worth it in the long run. You just keep doing your thing and remember to love yourself and enjoy your precious time, however you wish. It's also annoying I can imagine that your plans fell through with your SO. Let that part go, don't carry it around (not saying you are but I probably would subconsciously). Think of it this way: now you've got lots of time to do as you wish and have fun however you like that day.

Thanks for your kind reply. I appreciate that you took the time to write your opinion in a positive and kind way

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I appreciate the honest feedback. It helps to get the perspective of others who donít know me in real life and helps me to see the situation from an objective point of view.

PMA1506 Like you, I've been deliberately excluded socially and at first, I felt disgusted, infuriated and pained. Then I concurred that there was nothing I could do about it. I can't control other people and what they do many times out of spite. It's the way of the world. I'll tell you what helped me when I was in your similar situation. I did my own thing. I did what I enjoyed without them whether it was getting serious about working out, feeling exhilarated, immersed myself into hobbies, outings, great books and surrounded myself with high integrity, higher quality people. After all that, you'll feel too exhausted to have brain space to allow perpetrators to get under your skin. You ought to try it. What helps is distracting yourself in a healthy way. It's unhealthy to dwell on those who've wronged you sorely. You carve out your own happiness and in your mind you basically tell the whole world to go to hell. It's a good mindset and when you change the way you think, you'll grow your own high self-esteem, self-confidence and security.

And, get this, when other people start to take notice that you have self-security, they become automatically attracted to your independence. People are attracted to self-confident, secure people. At this point, suddenly YOU become the draw. How about that?

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A close friend ("C")and I were talking about a local theme park. I said that I was supposed to go with my significant other, but our plans fell through. I was disappointed, but I didn't bother asking C to go, instead, because I knew she had been to the theme park recently so I figured she wouldn't want to spend the money.

One question: did you tell C that you were disappointed or are you only telling us that you were disappointed but said nothing about it to C?

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PMA1506 Like you, I've been deliberately excluded socially and at first, I felt disgusted, infuriated and pained. Then I concurred that there was nothing I could do about it. I can't control other people and what they do many times out of spite. It's the way of the world. I'll tell you what helped me when I was in your similar situation. I did my own thing. I did what I enjoyed without them whether it was getting serious about working out, feeling exhilarated, immersed myself into hobbies, outings, great books and surrounded myself with high integrity, higher quality people. After all that, you'll feel too exhausted to have brain space to allow perpetrators to get under your skin. You ought to try it. What helps is distracting yourself in a healthy way. It's unhealthy to dwell on those who've wronged you sorely. You carve out your own happiness and in your mind you basically tell the whole world to go to hell. It's a good mindset and when you change the way you think, you'll grow your own high self-esteem, self-confidence and security.

And, get this, when other people start to take notice that you have self-security, they become automatically attracted to your independence. People are attracted to self-confident, secure people. At this point, suddenly YOU become the draw. How about that?

Good points. The hurt and rejection has mostly subsided. The consensus seems to be that I need to just let it go. Thatís exactly what I intend to do.