My Trade Deadline Fantasy

Over the next couple hours, as the trade deadline approaches, we’ll get more rumors and lies and stunted fantasies than the local high school dance. What’s more, thanks to these assinine trade deadline specials that have become all the rage, we’ll have every last agonizing detail and anticlimactic turn covered live by The Gammons and whomever else they can set up with a phone and TV camera.

Chances are, as far as the Sox are concerned, nothing eventful is going to happen. Maybe a bench player gets picked up — anything to spare us from the August of Hinske — but I’m betting not much else. That said, I will take this opportunity to offer, free of charge, my suggestion for one critical pick-up that the Sox could make at the trade deadline: Leeann Tweeden.

A couple of reasons why this makes sense:

The skills. Let’s face it, what’s missing from the local TV scene is The Female Remy — someone who can inject a little more sass and humor into the proceedings. Nothing against The Haze or Tina C; they do “cute” and “enthusiastic” quite nicely. But there’s that glint of “I’m a serious news reporter-type” in their eyes, which prevents them from achieving Total Remishness. Leeann, at least from what I’ve seen of her on The Best Damn Sports Show, harbors no such illusions.

The inevitable interview with Josh Beckett. Holy god! These two used to screw! Imagine the awkwardness when you send LeeTwee to one of Josh’s post-game pressers. Come on, which of these questions would you rather see Josh respond to:

Hazel Mae: Can you tell us what was going through your mind when you had a full count on Miguel Tejada with the bases loaded?

Leeann Tweeden: Josh, the look on your face after you fanned Tejada reminded me of the time we were in Reno on a cold cuts-and-whiskey bender and you hired some circus midgets to join us on that greased-up trampoline. Speaking of which, did those emu bites ever heal?

The talk radio fodder. Seriously, how long would she be in town before Tweeden attached herself to one of the few eligible Red Sox players. Even better, maybe she lures one of the “married folk” astray. I guarantee that within three weeks of Tweeden’s arrival there’s be photos of Dustin Pedroia drinking shots of Tequila off her arse on Barstool Sports. It would restore all that pandemonium that’s been missing from the Sox wives’ seats since Michelle Damon left town.

What would we have to give up? At first, I thought Tina Cervasio, which wasn’t easy, as I’m a big fan of The Mouth of Truth. But Tweeden’s a national commodity, known coast-to-coast; the closest thing we have with that sort of name recognition in our NESN studios is The Eck. So here’s what I’m suggesting: A package of Dennis Eckersley and Hazel Mae for Tweeden, with the Haze offering solid eye candy replacement value. Also, throw in Alex Cora.