Compatibility In The Bedroom: When One Partner Is More “Adventurous”

What happens when you and your partner want different things in the bedroom? You may both love the same kinds of books and enjoy cooking Thai food, but what if one of you is into a kinkier sex life?

Kink is a word you’ve probably heard but don’t have a good definition of. According to Wikipedia, “In human sexuality, kinkiness or kinky (adjective), is a term used to refer to an intelligent and playful usage of sexual concepts which are overt, accentuated, unambiguously expressive of sexuality. The term derives from the idea of a “bend” (cf. a “kink”) in one’s sexual behaviour, to contrast such behaviour with “straight” or “narrow” sexual mores and proclivities.”

“Normal” people, like you and me, enjoy different kind of sexual experiences. You can’t tell from looking at someone what he or she enjoys in the privacy of the bedroom. Your dentist might be the guy who likes to be spanked like a little boy during sex.

What happens when you’re dating a great guy and discover that he likes something you can’t imagine yourself doing? I know a woman who was married several years before discovering that her husband got turned on by wearing women’s underwear.

The thing is, when we’re getting to know someone, before the undressing begins, we don’t feel comfortable talking about what turns us on. We’re afraid to share our fantasies or ‘kink’. And, by the time we do, it can be awkward, to say the least.

A reader shared her dating story with me. When she started dating her now second husband, he was surprised to discover velcro restraints on her bed. She liked to play with bondage—a mild version, compared to the serious bondage you might find in BDSM. For his more straight-laced sexual attitude this was a little too spicy. She didn’t share more details but clearly, since they are now married, they found some compatibility in the bedroom.

And, that’s the key, finding a way to have the kind of sex both of you want and need. How do you tell a prospective date or your husband that you have a desire to have sex while wrapped in Saran wrap? Or that you want him to use his necktie to tie your hands to the bedpost? What happens when he has a desire to watch you masturbate? Or do things that are even farther away from your ‘norm’?

If there’s something you want to try but you feel embarrassed telling your partner, consider these openers:

Honey, I’ve been reading this book and they’re doing ________________, it sounds kinda fun. Maybe we could try it?

One of my friends at book group told us about this thing she and her boyfriend do. I was shocked and yet…

Tell me one of your deepest fantasies and I’ll tell you mine.

Let’s try something new. For some reason I feel this urge to get a little ‘naughty’.

How do you think I’d look in a French maid’s outfit?

In most cases you might be surprised at your partner’s willingness to try new things. In my experience, men don’t typically expect women to express desire for new things—and when we do, it gets them pretty excited. Start slowly to see if he or she has any interest. Make sure you feel safe sharing your secrets. And, be willing to find middle ground where both of you feel comfortable. If you make a request, leave it open-ended, don’t push for a “yes”.

I plan to reenter the dating market in 2014. It’s important to me that we be compatible sexually so I won’t wait too long to reveal myself. Here’s my conversation starter for the second date. “So, would this be too soon for me to tell you that I write about sex for a living? Want to see my collection of sex toys?”

He’ll either run immediately or lean forward and eagerly invite me to tell him more.

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Walker Thornton is a 62-year-old author and public speaker on a mission to help older women discover and enhance their sexuality. She specializes in women’s issues: sex, aging, and relationships. Her book, Inviting Desire is written for the older woman seeking to bring more enjoyment into her life. You can find her at www.walkerthornton.com, on Instagram as wjt62, on Twitter: http://twitter.com/WalkerThornton and on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/WalkerJThornton/

Thank you Carol. I suspect many relationships struggle with some mis-match in the bedroom. It’s particularly important if you’re single and looking for a new relationship–says she who ended up dating a Dom!, for a short period. He successfully hid all of his inclinations and proclivities until we had been dating for a few months.

One of the promises I’ve made my self now that I’m single again is not compromising on my sexual tastes and thinking I’ll be able to change a partner or introduce them to kink and the more libertine pleasures. Repressing my kinky nature didn’t work twice before; the third time won’t be a charm. Thanks for talking about this subject of sexual compatibility and exploration; it’s a difficult one to broach but needs to be explored.

Laura,
I think about compatibility a lot because I’m about to re-enter the dating pool. It’s important to be clear on our preferences and not compromise..beyond that way we work together in relationships to come to consensus. So glad you shared your story, as I know there are many of us with strong beliefs and practices.

It took my husband and me almost 25 years before we learned to be honest with one another. What a lot of wasted time! And why did it take so much time?

1. Mommies don’t do that.

2. Good Christian woman don’t do that.

3. Women pushing 40 don’t do that.

4. Respectable middle-aged women don’t do that.

See a pattern?

Then I realized, “Well, WTF! Old ladies don’t ‘do that’ either!” And if I waited any longer before I allowed myself to live the sexual life I dreamed of and longed for then that was going to have to be my next sorry excuse right before, “Dead women don’t do that.”

And I was sure as shit not going to live and die never having lived out my truest sexual self because of some imaginary limitations.

In my case, my husband was more than happy to join in the fun. And I think that right there was my biggest mistake, I had taken it all too damned seriously. Sex is fun! Or it should be anyway. Just like we planed cops and robbers as children, now we can play pirate and captive maiden in bed today (not an actual fantasy of mine, but now that I think about it…).

I appreciate your wholesome attitude towards the whole thing. Open up. Lighten up. And have some fun. We’ll all be dead one day and I want to be able to dream back to wondrous sexual memories while taking the long dirt nap.

Oh yeah, having fun is all part of this. I didn’t have a sense of myself as a sexual being for a number of years..only in my mid to late 50s have I really gotten in touch with my passionate side. Why not have fun? And, why not explore all the options–serious and light-hearted. Even if someone starts just with a little flirting–if it makes them feel alive then it’s the right thing to do.
There are no limitations. We are free to explore and express our personal lives any way we want. And, if that includes wild sex then, yes. We spend way too much time as women, as a society, confining ourselves to someone else’s vision of what we should do.
Thank you Chloe for sharing your journey around this!

Oh Walker, I love how you bring hidden topics out to be discussed, plus help with little starter ideas.
And Chloe! OMG, “the long dirt nap” 🙂 hehe.
I don’t want to look back some day with regrets over “wish I woulda”. Being fully alive every day requires me to embrace each day with honest curiosity and joy.
I’ve partnered with guys who were rather missionary in outlook and in the bedroom. I’ve also partnered with the more adventurous. I found I am happy in the adventurous category. You can be sure that my new love and I are already openly discussing our desires, fantasies and such. I went for broke early on, much as Walker mentions.
I revealed the blog, gave him the URL, and then discussed my favorite toys.
His acceptance and enthusiasm for the real me is what led to our super special New Year’s overnight event.
And then I blogged about it!

Julie, when we accept our own sexual desire and communicate it, wonderful things begin to happen. So glad you could share and find a mutually excited adventurer.
I talk about this because there are many of us who want to break out of our little boxes–we just need a boost or to see that we’re not alone!

Connie,
Thank you. Yep, talking it out, sharing and exploring both verbally and physically is the key! And, maybe that is one of the prime benefits of aging–we are more comfortable expressing our needs and wants.