how "normal" is regret in your marriage?

Sarah - posted on 06/28/2010
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I understand things cant always be peachy in life. Everyone is different, has different needs or wants and responds or acts in different ways. But when we look past that and get to the "meat" of it....how "normal" is it to regret ever getting married?

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Carla - posted on 06/28/2010

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I think we all go through different periods in our marriages. The honeymoon phase never lasts long enough and then you get into the grind of raising kids, working, trying to get hubby to pick up his socks out of the living room, etc.

If life went like it does on the soap operas, we'd live happily ever after and never have any regrets. But life happens, and we think 'crap! what have I done?' You get that panicky-feeling in the pit of your stomach and want to run. That passes. Or should. If you have been married less than 30 years, you will go through this cycle often. The problem is, people aren't taught that we marry for life. We run at the first sign of trouble. We've been married 38 years, and believe me, we both have run and wanted to run many times! We had hard financial times, teenage troubles, personality problems, health problems. All these take a toll on a marriage. But it doesn't matter who you are married to, whether your present husband or someone you perceive would be better, the problems are still there. We are two different people, raised by two different sets of parents, with two different life experiences, and we expect to walk into marriage and have it be heaven on earth. It rarely is.

When we said 'I do', we made a covenant between husband and wife, but also God, and we forget that. When the going gets rough, we forget to ask God what to do and just run to find #2 or #3, or #4, only to find out they aren't any better, and sometimes worse, than what we had before!

So okay, if your regret is something that is ongoing, have a long hard look at things and find out why you regret the marriage? Is it because the thrill is gone? That doesn't last. You've 'caught' your prey, and he's caught his, so you both kind of let down a bit, and things get routine. Is it something more serious, excess drinking, partying, cheating? If it is, then you need to decide what you're going to do about it. Although most women would advise you if hubby is cheating, to get out, you deserve better. But, sweetie, after all these years, and we have both done horrible things to each other, including cheating, I can tell you that, bottom line, I couldn't imagine living with anyone other than my darling hubby. So, we sucked it up and started working on loving each other again, and this CAN be done. Love is a choice, and love can be rekindled.

This is probably more answer than what you wanted, but if you are going through something more serious, you can friend me on fb or e-mail through Christian Moms. Trust me when I tell you that we've been through it all, and have survived and thrived. You can, too. God bless, sweetie, hope to hear from you, even with just an update to say things are going great ;)

I have been married to my best friend for 20 years this October. I have a great marriage and a wonderful husband. Even still I have had moments of regret. I think its normal. When I would feel that way I would ask myself how would I feel about the moment at hand one year from now? And it always seemed silly..like a year from now what ever was bothering me wouldn't even matter. So let it go! Life's biggest lie is that we are supposed to have this "great big life" and I think that sometimes we let that get in the way of enjoying what we really do have.

I am in total agreement with Carla, love is a choice and you have to choose it everyday. That being said, ladies please do not stay in marriages where you are being beaten and cheated on. Some of these posts are so sad. Life is like cake, mix in all your ingredients, job, college, friends etc., and marriage is the icing. It just makes your life better. If your marriage is making your life less than happy, change it. God bless.

sarah.... God made woman to be mans helper.... that means that they cannot handle things by themselves... Pray that God will soften your heart toward your husband so you will help him willingly and not with regret... God will be faithful to help your husband.... you will not be able to change your husband but God can but only when he changes your heart first... we are here to serve and not be served like Jesus did.... now that being said i too felt the same as you but when i God changed my heart toward the way i felt toward my husband he also helped my husband to help me more....

I truly understand the regret you feel, especially after reading a few more of your posts on this page. My prayer for you is that your husband understands and accepts that no matter how much he may love your daughter, he is NOT your daughter's father (I'm going by what you said in your post....) and he needs to understand this: He CANNOT replace HER father so therefore he needs to accept that. He also needs to understand that marriage iS 50/50 and that in order for you to be the best help meet to him (as one reader said here) he needs to know how to be a better husband. However much you may change YOUR feelings about him from negative to positive the Bible also commands him to love you as his wife. I am Praying that the Holy Spirit moves mightly on your husband to be the best husband that he not only can be but is SUPPOSED to be so you will no longer feel regret in your marriage. My Prayer is also that your situation will not escalate into a more abusive one-thankfully you said in a later post that it wasn't.God Bless :)

Marriage is one of the hardest jobs you'll ever have, second only to parenting! Everyone goes through ups and downs, that is normal. I have been married for 25 1/2 years and I can tell you that I have second guessed myself more than a few times. When those thoughts roll around, I have taught myself to ask, why am I thinking this way and is it really something that is a deal breaker. True joy and intimacy in a marriage comes from resolving conflicts in a healthy way. Clinging to one another in desperate times and seeing you spouse as a partner in life. Learning to communicate even in anger adds substance to your marriage. Why are you feeling regret? If your husband is abusive one way or another, cheats ,does drugs, or is involved in risky behavior, then I would go to counseling, even if he won't. A good marriage counselor can help you sort through the details and help you come to some sort of decision. Best wishes!

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This is the second person who has used my entire name fraudulently, Angela. I did a Google a while ago and found out there is only one other Carla Allaire, she lives in France. I have had 'Carla is Stupid', 'Fu*k Carla', you name it, it's been used. It's kinda like Abraham Lincoln, a famous American president, who said, when told that some of the people wanted to tar and feather him and ride him out of town on a rail--'If it weren't for the honor of the thing, I'd just as soon walk' :) He stood up for anti-slavery, and caused the country to be thrown into civil war.

At first I was offended, but now, shoot, I kind of wear it like a badge of honor. If I weren't getting under someone's skin, they wouldn't be lashing out like this. I just pray that the Lord speaks to these people, and they turn their hearts and lives over to Him.

Carla, I'm shocked that someone had the nerve to use your name. That post should be deleted. I'm glad you identified the poster as male - it was definitely a guy! This bit "You have to beg your husband, who is your biblical owner, for forgiveness for posting this without his knowledge" was especially offensive (even though I'm aware it was a form of irony!).

The Bible doesn't say that any husbands "own" their wives. Nor does it say we have to report back to our menfolk on ALL our doings in his absence. Perish the thought!!

Further to my post below where I said I was still happily married after 2½ years - well it's been nearly 4 years now and we're still happy with one another. Just thought I'd add a cheerful note there!

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough patch, Crystal. Marriage goes in cycles. The honeymoon phase can only last a short time, otherwise we'd never get to work or make dinner ;) When kids come along and there's mountains of dishes and laundry, when jobs and ball practice and bills are a reality, it's easy to feel like love is gone. But it's there, it's in the ebb and flow of everyday life.

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? I don't mean fought about it, or yelled about it, have you two sat down and had a discussion. Do you take time out to have a date night? Even if it's just going over to friend's, get a sitter and just be you two?

Marriage is rough sometimes, Crystal. Sometimes it's downright ugly. But if we work at it, it can be the most beautiful thing this side of Heaven. I pray you guys can find your way back.

I think this is quite an old post (June 2010). Anyway, I've only been married 2½ years but he's a wonderful man and I certainly have no regrets. I was married to my first husband years ago and we got divorced, he was bad to me & our children. But I'm glad to say he married someone else and they were both very happyfor about 10 years until he died a couple of years ago.

I'm very lucky and I hope the happiness we share (my husband & me) continues. He's a great guy!

My only regret in my marriage was believing my husband had 'my back', i believed we were in it together building a life and future, three children later, my best friend, my lover and the person i thought was my 'rock' left on boxing day when my children were 2, 3 and 7 - i don't regret my children i love them dearly and they are the best! but i do regret believing that someone else could look after me whilst i was at my most vulnerable, being a mum who gave up their successful career only to become a single mum later on down the track - its taken 8 years to become financially solvent, a lot of heartache and a huge lack of trust, difficult times in a marriage need to be worked through honestly and with respect, its so easy in the short term just to walk away - there is a saying "if you are going where the grass is greener - take a watering can!!"

Unfortunately I do regret my marriage. I wish my story was about dirty socks, or just about anything else. Not that others do not have their own horror stories or that other challenges are not important. I had many of those too. I was married at 19. He was very charming and I soon found out very manipulative. For the course of our 35 year marriage, he managed to isolate and belittle me until I had no self esteem. Even made me believe my God was always disappointed in who I was. Our marriage was often rocky as he did so many things that made me jealous. Always saying it was just my insecurity and stupidity. Until the day the phone call came. His girlfriend crying and sharing the details of their affair and warning me that he had infected her with HIV. Long painful story later...an ad on craigslist inclusive with nude pics of him with men lead to a quick and painful divorce. I love my 4 children. Now adults. I wouldn't trade them in for anything. But I too agree that you should not stay with a man who is unfaithful, not even for the kids. This for me is a revelation as I always believed in my vows to God.

I couldn't have said it better Sarah. My husband and I teach marriage classes and most couple have no understanding of covenant. They speak covenant language when they marry (til death do us part) but have contract thinking ( I do until...) My husband and I have gone through many trials also, but by forgiveness and God's help we are more in love than ever after 43 years!

I think it can be normal. For me, it depends on my personal feelings. I sometimes look at my husband & wonder why I am married to him. But if I stop and really think that over I come to the conclusion, again, that he is the person for me. So regrets can be normal but we all need to stop and analyze the situation in which these regrets emerge.

Hi Ladies, at this point I don't even know how to respond to this question, since I got marry on june 6th 2009 and my hubby died on june 1st 2010. So it is so hard for me to even sat anything at this point. Srry about not being able to really respond the way I would like to. But thanks be to God that the one year had more happy times and memories, than problems.

My darling husband used to lean out the car window and hoot at the women--with me in the car! He wasn't thinking! I told him if he did that again I was gonna bean him!

I understand your anger over the phone calls, too. My husband has always had the knight-in-shining-armor syndrone--he can't turn down some woman in trouble. I let it go for many years, complaining about Susie always needing something fixed at her house, or Mary needing to talk. Finally, I told him I hated these women calling. Even if he didn't have ulterior motives, I am sure they did! As you say, no woman calls a married man unless she needs him to be her married man.

Have a very frank talk with him. Tell him he is your fix-it man, your confidant, your listening ear. Period. No talking to women on the computer, phone or leaning on her car. Men have this ego that makes them feel needed and flatters them when women flock to them. If he has taken his vows seriously, remind him that he is yours until you drop dead, or he does! Ask him what he expects to come of all this attention. Doesn't he feel like you give him enough? The grass always looks greener on the other side. He never sees Mary in the morning with her hair all messed up, morning breath and bunny slippers on. She fancies herself up and goes man-hunting, and she doesn't care who's man she gets. But if he gets Mary, pretty soon he is going to be staring at the same lion mane's hair, morning breath and bunny slippers! That is the deception of it all! The excitement quickly wears off, and it is life as usual.

My husband and I both cheated on each other. A lot of circumstances led up to these. Most people would have walked out a long time ago, and yes, we even filed for divorce. But I couldn't imagine actually living with someone else, when push came to shove.

Marriage is rough, I think I have said that more often since I joined COM than in my whole life. No one ever promised it would be heavenly all the time. But we WERE promised Help, through prayer and the assistance of the Holy Spirit. When I decided I needed help, REAL help, I got serious and got on my face before God. I confessed my sins over and over until one day God said, almost audibly, 'enough! I forgave you a long time ago. Now it's time to forgive yourself!' It was easier to forgive my husband than to forgive myself. I had to examine our relationship, which at this particular time, was 30 years! The Holy Spirit then revealed to me exactly that the marriage vows were an actual covenant, just like what He and Abraham did in the OT. We give our pledges of loyalty and fidelity before Him at the altar, then promptly walk away and try to conduct our marriage in the flesh. It doesn't work that way. We HAVE to have help in these evil times, when there are women out there just waiting for another guy to come along that they can test to see if he is the one THEY want. So, both of you have to be committed to ignore these little side jaunts into ego and keep yourselves pure.

We mistakingly believe that to be good Christian wives we have to let them do what they want. This is not true. If he were walking off a high ledge, you would warn him of the danger. He is walking off a high ledge, but not only can he get hurt, but a lot of others will, as well. So, talk to him. Pray first, and get guidance and calmness, it won't accomplish anything if you are angry and scream. Most men tune that out. You have to have Scripture to back up what you are saying (Ephesians 5:25-29, Proverbs 7:6-27; Proverbs is FULL of warnings about women!).

Thanks. I didn't mention that there was infidelity only 1 year into the marriage, and that he is a "friendly" kind of person. Only with the females. I didn't grow up in a household where people of the opposite sex called my home. No man ever called for my mom just to say "hi" or no women ever called my dad just for the heck of it. My husband thinks this is okay and I don't. Women call him all the time. For any reason they can find? Why do they think it is okay to call a married man? They don't care about me and they don't ask about his family. No men call me period. They know me, but they never ask to talk to me or ask for my number. Do you really think it will get better as he gets older? Mind you this is the only problem we have. He does take care of the kids, he is an awesome father, and he comes home every night. Should I just "get over it"? I wonder if this "problem" sounds like a drop in the bucket of sorts? or is it a legitimate gripe?

Maria, you are absolutely correct! We expect our husbands to be like the guys on the Bold and the Beautiful, and instead we get the shy and ugly! lol Soap operas are fiction to entertain us, but instead, we have watched them for so long (I grew up with most of the cast of As The World Turns!) that they become real. If he is a good father, provider and comes home at night, count your blessings! Besides, they get better with age. We have been married 38 years, and I've given him another 38--he should be just about perfect by then ;)

Love him, trust him, and it will be returned--in time. God bless, honey.

I don't know how "normal" it is, but I know that looking back, I wish I would've known exactly whatI was getting myself into. My husband is a Terrific father, but he didn't turn out to be the kind of husband I though he would be. I didn't get anything like I expected. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe our expectations are too much or not even realistic. We watch all these fairytales when we are little girls and we expect to have the "knight in shining armour" and "the white horse". I often wonder if other women feel this way too?

This is for Julie: You took your vows seriously, and you are to be applauded for that. If he didn't, and if he chose to treat the beautiful person he was given horribly, he will answer for it.

We can't second-guess our past. You did your best. I hope you can move past the abuse and heal. If you care to, I wrote a sort-of testimony/biography on my life and abuse. It was written under Sarah's Daughters, if you care to read it, or any woman that has undergone abuse. Just type in Sarah's Daughters in the fb banner. I hope it will speak to you.

I must be a freak. I have never regretted marrying my husband. Despite the abuse, the cheating, the abandonment. Never did I regret marrying him. I believe he was the one I was called to marry.

I don't know why God allowed the things that happened to happen - other than the glib answer that God gives us free will and my husband chose to turn his back on God, his marriage and the only child that is definitely his (he has a few maybes out there).

I do have regrets - like I know if I'd stood up to the abuse sooner, he wouldn't have come to believe that I was weak and would tolerate even the sickest of abuse, and that because I did it, therefore all christians were like that and therefore in his mind, all christians are weak and pathetic.

By the time I stood up and refused to take the beatings, it was too late - he was convinced that it was normal and okay to do it and even should be done to women. If I had said something sooner, he wouldn't have ended up with that belief.

But that is my only regret. I have never regretted marrying him, my only regret is I couldn't save him from himself.

@Carla - Well said...very well said. You are the first person I've experienced defining love as a choice, other than myself. Through my 20s, I was often viewed as unromantic, because of this view but nothing could be further from the truth. 33 and married now, my husband and I have experienced plenty of ups and downs and I know (and accept) that there will be more. I have times when I say, "why did i?" but those are spawned from an emotional hurt, even though I won't alwasy admit it. When all is said and done, I love him. I choose to love him, regardless of the socks in the floor, leaving the door open, interrupting me in disagreements...the list goes on. I tell you, there have been times when we are down-right mad at each other, but it remains...I chose him for important reasons beyond a romantinc feeling, a rush, having similar "surface" interests. He is honorable, loving, and kind. Most of all he is committed to living his life for God and his family. That's what keeps me stuck on this goofy guy. Those are the things that matter and the rest will come in time. We have our whole lives!

I think regret is normal. It's sort of the grass is greener mentality. I know I've been guilty. When things get hard and I perceive it as his fault I think maybe. . . . But I try to remind myself that I chose him for a reason and those reasons are.. . .

There's a movie called "Just Married" with Ashton Kutcher and Brittney Murphy and one of my favorite scenes is when Ashton's character is sitting with his dad thinking his marriage is over. His dad grabs their photo album and says something like, you never see the hard times in a photo album, but they are what get you from one happy picture to the next. I love that and I always think of that when things get tough for me.

Oh yeah, read this early on before getting married; love is a choice. You have to choose it everyday. You can choose happiness too. I have learned that from living with MS. It is really possible no matter what to choose to be happy. That said after suffering for years with depression.

Meditating on this word from our loving Father and LOTS of practice (20 years this year by the grace of our Lord Jesus) has transformed my marriage. Grace to you!

2 Cor 10:1-6

"Now I, Paul, myself am pleading with you by the meekness and gentleness of Christ-who in presence am lowly among you, but being absent am bold toward you. But I beg you that when I am present I may not be bold with that confidence by which I intend to be bold against some, who think of us as if we walked according to the flesh. For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing(lofty imaginations) that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing EVERY (emphasis added) thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ."

I encourage you in the Lord to think about your thoughts and apply this scripture to them. We have thousands of thoughts that swim through our minds daily and as you know the enemy has been given access to them and he hates us and desires nothing more than our complete and utter destruction. Humbly your sister in Christ Jesus, Kim.

If we are honest with ourselves, we have all gone through times that we regret "ever" getting married. Even the strongest, best marriages go through issues where you questions yourself. I have been married almost 31 years and have 4 awesome children, now all married and 5 grandbabies and at different times in our our marriage we both have "regretted getting married". It does not mean that we did not (DO NOT) love each other but the sin in us makes us think that things are greener on the other side of the fence. That is not typically true but we see others going and doing what they want to with what seems like no responsibilty and being able to come and go as they want and it looks appealing. You are right, everything is not always peachy and the things in life can get heavy. However, As I have told my children many times, a marriage is "SO WORTH FIGHTING FOR". SO I say when you go through periods in your marriage that are like that, hold strong and find the positives and don't dwell on the negatives. And no that you are not the only one to feel the way you do. What makes you stronger is the way that you deal with those circumstances.

I understand what you're saying, Sarah, my husband took on my 6 and 4-year-old, we had another baby on the way. The biological father was OUT of the picture. He raised the children, loving them as much as our 'own' child. Our oldest, at 16, told him she didn't have to mind him because he wasn't her real dad. That just about killed him! But, being Mr. Clam, he didn't say anything to her, but went and grieved by himself.

Because men aren't as emotional as we are, they don't know how to handle intense emotion, so they just stuff it down inside them. I would imagine your husband was hurt, but didn't want to appear un-macho, so he just took off. I know this doesn't help the situation any, but I am looking at this the way my husband looked at our situation. The good news is that they resolved the situation, and until she cut off all contact with us at 34, we had a good relationship (another looonnng story).

I went back and read your prior post, so I realized after I answered your post who you were. I know you are having a variety of problems, but I know you can get through this! As women, we feel most of the time that we don't have a husband, we have another child! But, with the help of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, we can get through this, and find peace and harmony in our home. Satan wants our families broken. He hates that we are raising our children to be Godly and living the example for them to emulate in their lives.

We need to see Satan for what he is and understand that we have to overcome his tricks! I know it's hard to always be 'the better person', but in time, he will come around. I can't tell you exactly when that will happen, I can tell you it took us mannyyy years. But, the wait was well worth it! And, we are able to counsel other couples and encourage them to hang in and win this war.

I know this isn't what women want to hear--we want everything to be instant, but it is rarely that. The Bible tells us to be married and raise Godly children. That is our mandate; how well we do that is up to our beliefs. Do we run and try someone different, or do we stay and fight?

thankfully nothing is THAT serious. i just think its a little humorus that before i got married everyone told me "the little things, like him picking up socks or leaving hair in the sink after shaving arent a big deal"....little things ARE a big deal!! now granted, that wasnt the reason for my original post but those little things add up. i've learned to over look his socks and shoes in the living room, the clothes on the bedroom floor...it still ticks me off when he leaves dishes around but i'm working on that too. because it could be worse.

actually this post relates to the earlier one i had. over worked, over stressed and feeling under appreciated. we had a FABULOUS date friday night, it was awesome to spend some alone/grownup time with my husband. the man i love and chose to spend my life with. and yes i understand that love is a choice so its something i remind myself of and pray to god for peace when things bother me. its just that he is so selfcentered and self rightous! he has a big head on his shoulders so there are many times he seems to behave as if the world should and/or does revolve around him. times like this leave me feeling like the only parent....or the only parent who wants to parent. i'm learning how to respond to him in the ways he needs in order to be receptive. love language and all that jazz. but it just seems like every time i do that, it doesnt work and it back fires. example: today my daughter said something hurtful to him (they have a strained relation as is because of the whole "step father/daughter" thing) he told her he didnt appreciate the comment and to not do it again. i thought the issue was solved but he continued to crawl back into his shell and when we went into the store he walked off, with out a word to any one, and did his own thing. meanwhile the screaming toddler, who cant be strapped in because the buckles on the cart are broken, is continuing to scream and attempt to climb out of the cart while i try to assist my daughter in shopping. hindsight says i probably should have found hubby ASAP and had him take the baby but i tried for a good 30mins just to push forward. finally when the baby almost fell out of the cart i called hubby, told him to "get his kid" and finished shopping.he got the baby but still remained in his shell the rest of the night.i felt upset because of his abandoning me but when I brought it up, in a delicate manner he started cussing and getting upset again (several hrs later) which I told him I didn’t appreacite and I expected better from him as an adult and a Christian leader in our home….which than made him accuse me of “calling him out” and caused him to storm out the house. I feel like the only grown up in my house