I have to say my self esteem seems to be climbing consistently and slowly this past week or so. It started with my realizing that I (all of us) am remarkably similar to the Hans Solo character in Star Wars. He was a loner, aloof, distant, and off putting. Obvious issues! But he is admired as a character because of his somewhat cool and cocky attitude in how he carried himself. The difference between me and Hans Solo is I projected an aura of "I'm a loser" whereas Hans Solo protected himself from exposing himself that way (although he probably felt that way anyway).

He chose to present himself as self assured.

Another thing that happened is that I looked on a picture I took of myself while at the dog park on Saturday and saw what a beautiful smile I had. I had no idea. I couldn't see it before. But there it was - I have a nice smile!

I hope this isn't temporary - but it feels strange. Even in the depths of loneliness and depression, I'm finding something inside of me that seems to respect and value who I am. If this keeps up, I might get to a point where I really don't give a shit what anyone thinks of me - but only care about how I feel about myself! And how I feel about myself can be controlled somewhat by the decisions I make.

Spent most of my time feeling a low 1-2. Once in a while it would spurt up to 7 or 8.

This recent climb in self esteem started at 1-2 and has been slowly climbing up. I'm probably about a consistent 3-4 now. Hopefully I can transform that into a solid 5-6, and work on getting to 7-8, which is pretty good in my book.

My self esteem is a 10 for sure. Iím just waiting on my letter appointing me emperor of the earth. Itíll probably arrive any day now.

Well just remember that I'm one of the people who voted for you, so keep that in mind when you're appointing people to be the generals of your army. We shall rain doom on the nonbelievers!!!

Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367

Turn on the recorder, write the crap you say down and it will fucking surprise you. No one can be a glowing smiling success without a little help. Give it to yourself today...shut off the talking heads...kill the itty bitty shitty committee.

Hi Geoff. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them. "Itty bitty shitty committee"... I like that! To be honest, killing them could be next to impossible. They have a long list of things to use against me. Take care. Peace,

I noted a few posts up that my self esteem seems to be picking up; mostly because I'm now having many more experiences of being able to hear people around me, participate in conversation, and feel like I was a part of the group rather than isolated from it.

If I could find a way to project confidence and self esteem regardless of how I felt inside, then I think that would really give me a leg to stand on.

Thanks again.

Originally Posted By: Agate

That's the lie.

I am a fraud.

I've lied about just about everything, and the shame of being a fraud just keeps it going.

It makes it all the harder to ask for help.

I've only spoken raw honest unspun truth in two places. Here and with my thearpist.

But even with the two examples above I'm still guilty of lying by omission. I'm very guarded as to what I will say, and often will say nothing to avoid a lie here and in my sessions.

Most days, I hover around a 5 or 6. But maybe once a week, a 1 or 2 day will sneak in. When I get into my head too much and stir up the demons of old, I slip into the lower end of the spectrum. But if I can distract myself, I can keep it at a manageable level.

I have a whole lot more self-esteem than I did as a teenager or younger. At that point, 1 or 2 was my everyday.

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