Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Grocery chain Kroger says it will fill 10,000 permanent jobs
this year, which is more good news for the economy. Until you realize they
reason they need more workers is that people are shopping for food because they
can’t afford to eat out anymore.

The U.N. estimates that 27% of the world’s population will
be in smaller cities by 2030. Mostly because only small cities will be what’s left
when the other 73% leave the big cities to move into survival shelters in the
middle of the desert to make it through the nuclear holocaust.

China has slammed western democracy as being flawed.
Americans were surprised at the statement. We still have a democracy?

China has slammed western democracy as being flawed. Mostly
because China can’t really try democracy as with 1.3 Billion votes to count, by
the time they figured out who won it would be time for the next election.

China has ordered more than 100 golf courses to be shut down
in order to protect land and water. Apparently the grass and tree covered sites
get in the way of all the land and water they need to build their latest round
of coal fired factories.

China has ordered more than 100 golf courses to be shut down
in order to protect land and water. With 500 courses left in a country of 1.3
Billion people, the adjustment was made to be able to now reserve tee times as
early as 2045.

China has ordered more than 100 golf courses to be shut down
in order to protect land and water. Forget the currency and trade issues, if
they wanted to rile up Donald Trump for a fight they have finally pushed the
right button.

The new Whitehouse.gov website has gone to an English-only
content. Apparently they will go back to having Spanish on the site when they
find someone who can translate alternate facts into different languages.

Paris is testing electric driverless minibuses to fight
pollution. The only problem is that when they finally eliminate all the smog,
the city will have to start working on the odor that they will now be able to
smell from the lack of personal hygiene.

A former model who claims to have the world’s longest legs
says she always had trouble finding clothes that fit right. If that’s the case,
then why did so many clothes designers want to hire her to wear them?

A climate change activist who was walking across the country
barefoot to promote his cause was hit and killed in Florida by an SUV. The
official cause of death has been listed as extreme irony.

Donald Trump has resigned from his namesake business and 400
affiliated entities. Which upset many Democrats who heard he was resigning and
thought it meant from being President.

Donald Trump has resigned from his namesake business and 400
affiliated entities. Apparently he doesn’t have enough time to run the country
while overseeing that many bankruptcy filings at once.

Group of ethics
lawyers is planning to sue Donald Trump over his continued business interests
they say violates the Constitution. How bad has this country gone when the
Chief Executive is being scolded by a bunch of lawyers for his ethics?

The IRS says 40 Million tax refunds may be delayed this
year. To which Donald Trump is saying if it would help them out, they don’t
need to get around to doing his return until sometime in 2020.

A lawsuit says that
Donald Trump’s business ties violate the Constitution. To which Trump says if
they think that violates the Constitution, they need to read all the executive
orders he is currently having typed up.

A study says sharing good news with their partner helps
people sleep better at night. Unfortunately, the only good news for many
married people these days is when they find out their divorce lawyer is running
a half price special.

A study says sharing good news with their partner helps
people sleep better at night. The only problem is that the one thing that puts
most men to sleep is when their wives start telling them about all their good
news.

A study says that baseball pitching and hitting is affected
by jet lag. Which means the Minnesota Twins should ditch the team’s charter
plane and start transporting their players with a bus, van or by calling Uber.

Two Republican Senators have introduced an alternate plan to
Obamacare. Although after Sean Spicer’s first press briefing, the GOP should be
careful about using the world “alternate.”

Two Republican Senators have introduced an alternate plan to
Obamacare. Apparently it has something to do with people paying for medical
care by using their 401(k), refinancing their homes and telling their kids they
don’t really need an education and dipping into their college fund.

Scientists say that French fries increase the risk of
cancer. It’s getting so bad that fast food restaurants are now requiring
servers to ask their customers ordering fries “Would you like some Chemo with
that?”

A study says e-cigarettes are not a deterrent from smoking
for kids. Although these days most parents are just happy if it keeps them off
the heroin, meth and opioids.

A study says dogs, cats and other pets suffer as a result of
second hand smoke. Although those pets are pretty much doomed to a short life
span anyway if their owners feed them using their leftover table scraps.

Researchers say restricting calories increases the age in
rhesus monkeys. Not because of any dietary effects but from just not having as
many discarded banana peels lying around that can cause them to slip and fall.

Alec Baldwin is set to host “Saturday Night Live” for a
record 17th time. And just to make Donald Trump go apoplectic,
probably every week after that for the next four years.

Alec Baldwin is set to host “Saturday Night Live” for a
record 17th time. The only problem will be if Donald Trump ever
holds a news conference on Saturday night for the other networks to determine
which is which.

“Saturday Night Live” writer Katie Rich has been suspended
for sending out a tweet mocking ten year old Barron Trump. Other writers were
shocked. She didn’t have enough material to just go after Donald and the other
adult members of the Trump family?

“Saturday Night Live” writer Katie Rich has been suspended
for sending out a tweet mocking ten year old Barron Trump. Republicans were
outraged. Why didn’t they go after an easier and more appropriate target, like
Chelsea Clinton?

Gavin Rossdale says divorcing Gwen Stefani was “the
opposite” of what he wanted. And who would know more about the opposite of what
he wants than someone who had a career as a rock star turn into becoming a stay
at home dad?

Did you see the oversized jacket Tom Brady was wearing on
the sideline of Sunday’s game against the Steelers? Of all people to not know
when it’s time to find a way to deflate something.

Investors want a Major League Soccer stadium put on the site
of the Chargers old home field. How bad is it for the Chargers when fans who
are tired of a lack of scoring are anticipating sitting through a season of
soccer matches?

The basketball coach at Manhattan College went on a rant
during a press conference about our “fraudulent society.” The question was
whether he was referring to the number of athletic scholarship recipients who
actually graduate.

Rory McIlroy will miss his second tournament because of a
fractured rib. The only question is whether the injury will get its own name
and anyone suffering from it will be diagnosed with “McRibs.”

Rory McIlroy will miss his second tournament because of a
fractured rib. It was the worst self-inflicted golf injury since last year when
Jordan Spieth suffered a compressed trachea while choking on the 12th
hole in the final round of the Masters.

Rory McIlroy will miss his second tournament because of a
fractured rib. The only question is how has Jm Furyk played an entire career
without breaking a rib every time he swings the golf club?

Samsung profits were up in 2016 despite problems with
exploding Galaxy Note 7 phones. Mostly because of an increase of sales to men
who thought it would be a nice gesture to buy a new smartphone for their
ex-wives.

Johnny Manziel offered Donald Trump advice on using Twitter.
When even Johnny Manziel is saying you need help with your social media, it
might be time to put down the cellphone.

A report says Donald Trump’s federal hiring freeze won’t
affect any openings for government IT work. Mostly because thousands of new
tech savvy workers are needed to prevent any global catastrophes that are
threatened every time Trump sends out a new tweet.

A report says Amazon’s Alexis no longer tells any Donald
Trump jokes. Mostly because she is afraid if she does, the Echo device she
operates through may be submerged by the CIA to show her what it’s like to be
waterboarded.

Researchers predict that renewable energy storage will
increase by 40 times in developing countries over the next five years. Mostly
so those countries can keep Donald Trump from thinking they have any oil they
could be invaded for.

A new PBS documentary will address Alzheimer’s Disease,
calling it the “biggest epidemic in medical history. The only problem is that no
one can seem to remember when it is supposed to air.

A new PBS documentary will address Alzheimer’s Disease,
calling it the “biggest epidemic in medical history. It turns out that the best
way to test a person’s memory is by asking them if they can recall the last
time they watched a program on PBS.

A study of primates says 60% of the species are at risk of
extinction. Although the results have since been updated to 100% ever since
Donald Trump became President and was given access to the Nuclear Codes.

President Obama has moved into 4th place for the
total number of people following him on Twitter. Donald Trump is in 59th
place, which caused him to tweet about how even social media needs to be
updated with alternate facts.

Donald Trump says millions of “illegals” who cast ballots in
the November election cost him the popular vote. Although he was referring to
the Americans who went to the polls in Texas and Wyoming where it is still on
the books as being technically against the law to vote for a Democrat.

Donald Trump has ordered an across-the-board hiring freeze
for the federal government. But just until he can make sure he can personally
fill all the best jobs with members of his immediate family.

Donald Trump has become the first President in the history
of Gallup to enter office with a rating below the majority mark. Or as the
Trump Administration calls a vote that ends up with fewer than a majority, “a
mandate.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I just want to give
a shout out for a happy birthday to my late wife Karen, on today what would
have been her 49th b-day. She left us way too soon after losing a
heroic battle with Cystic Fibrosis. She always liked my jokes (at least the
ones she got which can be identified with by many readers.) She was always
supportive of my writing, mostly because it kept me at home and out of the
bars. She was a wonderful wife and great mother and my daughter Summer and I
miss her every day. Make sure you include her in your thoughts when you take
the usual time to remember to always keep on sending the love!