GQ+A: An Interview with Shia LaBeouf's Rattail

On the occasion of Shia LaBeouf’s twenty-ninth birthday, his five-month old rattail joined GQ for an exclusive tell-all. This tangle of hair has got opinions and wants everyone to know them.

How did you learn to braid so well? Did you go to an all-girls’ school?

That’s perceptive. I did.

Would you say you are more prone to joy or malaise?

My base state is mercurial. I am not prone to any tangible emotion or mood. I only think in energies, and today my energy is that of a flying squirrel. Does the flying squirrel feel joy or malaise when he does what he does and he flies through the air? I don’t think so.

What’s your worst vice?

Sloth.

What did you have for breakfast?

Oatmeal with flax powder. Lukewarm.

How many hotels have you been kicked out of?

Four.

What’s your favorite movie?

When Harry Met Sally.

Who’s your best friend?

Willie Nelson’s left braid.

Do you keep a diary?

You can’t read it, if that’s your next question.

Fair enough. What was your childhood like?

Unaccountable.

When’s the last time you were moved by a piece of art?

I think that to limit art to a "piece" status is reductive. I was moved this morning by a chia-seed smoothie spill in a parking lot. It was temporal, modern, layered, sticky: an accidental ecosystem borne forth by human waste.

Look: All this glossy-sleek business is just a dog and pony show to me. I’m most comfortable frizzing the fuck out in some sweatpants, working on some weaving. That’s the real me, not that presentable formalwear Hollywood Photoshopped version of me.

You know I find the rat comparison a little pejorative. What about calling me a base-drop braid?

Sure. Do you value justice over mercy?

Yes.

Do you think Shia thinks about you all the time?

I know that Shia thinks about me all the time. I am his anchor, his line in the sand, his flag, his totem, his symbol, his mascot, his priest, his North State, his security blanket, his McGuffin, his rope (in case of emergencies), his anima, his spirit, his yin, his life force.

Cool. Do you get along with the eyebrow piercing?

We do.

But, you’re always on the other side of the face...

We have a sufficient working relationship. We’re both professionals. We have a job to do.

Some days you look much thicker than others. I’m trying to phrase this delicately, but do you use performance-enhancing products?

I find this to be an unpleasant line of questioning, that I refuse to dignify. Would you ask this to a ponytail or a pigtail? I don’t think that you would. I’ve never come close to even a conditioning serum, so I guess I’ve answered your question. No.

In April 2015, there were allegations that the hair closest to you actually fled Shia’s skull, because of repeated harassment from your camp. Were there tensions that might have resulted in a side-shave?

I don’t feel comfortable answering that without my lawyer present.

**Alright. Were you snubbed from Shia’s Just Do It video? You don’t appear visible in the released version... **

Do you think Shia would be able to bring such power to a filmed performance without my presence? Do you think that he would? I can tell you that he could not. You couldn’t see me, but I was there. I am his fire.