Three out of four of those men have directed award-winning films that will be be celebrated for generations. However, four out of four will pay at least $200 in dues to the Directors Guild of America in 2018.

Hi, my fake name is A.A. Smithee and I’ve got a little card in my wallet that says I’m a member of the aforementioned DGA. Cool, sure, but that card doesn’t come cheap. Four times I year I’m required to log into the DGA website and declare my earnings as a director. Since I haven’t directed anything this year that simply means I need to click the little “Quarterly Dues” box, which triggers a $50 payment to the union. That’s $200 a year for…industry prestige? Not really. Networking opportunities? I guess. Health insurance? HA! A boatload of screeners that show up on my doorstep between Halloween and New Year’s Day? ABSOLUTELY.

For two straight months, trips to the mailbox are filled with that same excitement we all felt before the internet dulled every human experience that doesn’t end in a thumbs-up emoji. “Did the mail arrive yet? I wonder what’s going to come today!” The prospect of screeners turns guild members into little Ronnie Howards, running outside and celebrating that Wells Fargo Wagon a-comin’-down-the-street, oh please let it be for me! Every grey UPS box that arrives is thrilling. And, on the flipside, every “missed package” slip stuck to the front door is a horrifying reminder that life is short and our missed opportunities will haunt us until our dying day. Dramatic? Yes. But I’m spending $200 a year on a batch of DVDs that I didn’t even choose — please let me indulge.

This year I want to share my screeners with you. Since the studios would straight up murder me if I literally shared them with you (more on that in a bit), you’re just going to have to settle for me writing about them. Now the only reason studios send people like me these discs in the first place is to win awards, so every week I’m going to (hopefully) dodge a lawsuit by giving a few of those out. Remember: it’s an honor just to be nominated.

SCREENER OF THE WEEK: 'A Star Is Born'

There are a lot of unknowns when it comes to screeners. The combination of multiple guilds and multiple delivery services keeps everyone on their toes. No one knows what’s coming next or who’s going to get what. It’s stressful for a film buff — especially when you have small children and the only time you ever find yourself in a theater is to witness Ralph wreck things. When screener season begins, everyone has their head on a swivel, checking in with friends to see what they’ve received, and keeping fingers crossed that they’ll be blessed with the movies they really want to see. It doesn’t always work out that way.

Guild members get inundated with emails from studios inviting them to VERY SPECIAL screenings of their soon-to-be award-winning films featuring the INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY to partake in a Q&A session with the STAR/DIRECTOR/COSTUME DESIGNER/PRODUCER/KEY GRIP. Every time one of these emails arrives, a little voice in the back of your head whispers, “They want you to go to the screening to be wowed by the experience. They’re not going to send you a screener. If you want to see this movie you might have to wear pants.” It’s horrible.

Warner Brothers hit WGA members early in November with this baby:

Sure, I’d love to see Bradley Cooper speak about his experience making this movie — but not nearly as much as I’d love to not wear pants. I was convinced that A Star Is Born would be the one award-hopeful that held out from screener season this year — because there’s always one holdout. I was happily proven wrong the day before Thanksgiving, when two manilla envelopes landed on my doorsteps. Both of these packages contained the same two screeners — Crazy Rich Asians and A Star Is Born — but they weren’t exactly identical.

I have no idea why the packaging is different, and even less of an idea why the WGA & DGA can’t hop on the phone for like six minutes to come up with a DVD-sharing plan in an effort to be slightly less wasteful. Oh well.

Before getting into the screener experience, the screener virgins out there need to be made aware of one thing: screeners are NO JOKE. We’re talking serious F’ING business here.

It’s not a normal viewing experience, because normal viewing experiences don’t usually begin with the movie demanding you DESTROY IT upon completion.

For the record, I have never actually broken one in half. All of my old screeners can be found in a box in the garage stacked between piles of severed mattress tags and unwound VHS tapes.

This is far from the only warning displayed during A Star Is Born.

Four times throughout the film, viewers are reminded that they’re not watching Jackson Mayne and Ally [last name redacted] embark on a magical journey together — they’re watching a DIGITALLY WATERMARKED SECURE SCREENER that’s traceable to YOU.

To their credit, Warner Brothers does a good job dropping in the warnings during lulls in the action, so the text doesn’t pull you out of the film any more than Eddie Griffin does.

SKIPPABLE SCREENER OF THE WEEK: 'The Kindergarten Teacher'

Everett Collection

No offense to Maggie G, but The Kindergarten Teacher is a Netflix movie: if I’m going to watch it, I’ll watch it on Netflix. You know, without the repeated reminders that they’ll sue everyone I love if it ends up on the internet.

I still don’t understand why Netflix mails DVDs. I know not everyone has Netflix… but come on, everyone has Netflix. If I felt more nostalgic for 2012 I would mail it back and ask them to send me the next one in my queue.

Season 2 of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel will be streaming on Amazon Prime next week, but that didn’t stop the overworked laborers of Amazon from putting together a truly insane package containing 2 DVDs and ten 1950’s retro ad posters.

Talk about a PACKAGE! That THAT, Chris Pine!Uh, sure.

I’m looking forward to watching the first four episodes (I’ve already burned through 2). I’m not looking forward to the first person who comes over and recognizes that the newly framed artwork in the hallway is actually Amy Sherman-Palladino inspired promotional material.

It cost me $200. I regret nothing.

A.A. Smithee is a director for hire. So, you know, hire him/her/them. (But please wait until after he/she/they has finished all of his/her/their screeners. Thank you.)