Letters I'll Never Send

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Dear ______,
I’m going to start this with telling you that I’m not even 100% sure that this letter will make it into the outgoing mail. As of now, this is purely cathartic. Also, prepare yourself for what is possibly they most poorly written letter ever, as I am writing down my thoughts, as they come. I never got to tell you what those events in your back yard, those events that I will never forget, did to me. However, I’m going to try like hell to not turn this letter into a guilt trip. All I can hope for is, that if this letter does find its way into your hands, that you WILL read it in it’s entirety. I don’t know why, after all this time, that these feelings.. These feelings from those events are coming to me now, but they are. I am feeling so many emotions about this right now and they need to come out, I am feeling vengeful, I am feeling cold hearted, I am feeling angry, and I am feeling guilty. None of this is my fault, or at least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself, and yet, the feeling that prevails here is guilt. I don’t understand what was going through your mind when I repeatedly asked you to take me home, and frankly I don’t want to understand. Actually, as I’m writing this, I am also starting to feel a sense of pity for you, but I think I’ll come back to that. I considered telling Rich, that guy that used to be my dad, that you are one of many reasons I cannot be around him. Not because I blame him for what you did to me, but because he is the one that forced this religion down my throat from an incredibly young age, forced this idea into my head that I must participate in these reindeer games and church functions to appease your god. This, the same religion and the same church that lead our paths to cross. I also considered, briefly for sending a letter to your church advising them of what happened so that you may never be allowed near other children that may grow up to keep that faith. I realized that those courses of action would not only do nothing for me, but they would also hurt you, and that would not be the appropriate thing to do. You’re welcome.
This is my alternative, a letter of which I’m not sure the purpose. I’m feeling angry at you, for severely messing with my head. Do you know what I do now for a living? I drive an ambulance, I drive an ambulance and I respond to people in need. I pick them up in their most fragile, scared, painful moments of their lives and I help them. Despite all the shit I’ve been through, I help OTHER people when THEY need someone. That is very taxing on my state of being, physically and psychologically. That being said, your actions did not only mess with me, they messed with my ability to help others. That makes me angry at you. I’m also feeling angry at the fine detectives and officers at the police department. I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, had this happened somewhere other than smalltown, USA… Somewhere where homosexuals are viewed as people, equal people, with feelings and rights to not be violated, where a young gay male would not be viewed as someone who really, despite later statements, was just a horny guy that secretly enjoyed it.. Maybe my plea for help and closure and pleas to prevent this from happening to others would have been taken seriously. So I am angry at you and I am angry at Kearney Police Department. I am also angry at myself, here’s why. When you were driving me to your home, I was texting a friend asking her for help. I am angry because when she started to freak out, I told her never mind. I’m angry because I didn’t want anyone worrying about me. I’m angry because I would rather go through absolute HELL than have someone else make a fuss over me. I don’t know what that is indicative of, exactly, but I do know that over the past few years I have transformed from that scared, quiet child into a confident and exceptional man and if that were to happen now, I would have had no problem telling her to call 911 with your vehicle description and location to have it all stopped before it even started. I am angry at that scared little boy, and I also feel guilty. I feel guilty that the man I am today could not have helped the boy I was.
I would like to tell you that I wish nothing but horrible, horrible things to happen to you everyday for the rest of your life. I can’t do that, instead all I can wish is that you do not, ever, EVER, even THINK about ruining another persons life. I do not want, nor do I need your apology. I have so many sorry’s I don’t know what to do with them anymore.. So keep yours for someone who needs them. Do not try to find me, do not try to reach out to me. Do not ask about me because I am 1,200 miles away and do not need anything from you. I just want you to be conscience of the consequences of your actions. I.. Want you.. To learn. I want you to learn from that mistake. I want you to NEVER make that mistake again. I want you to learn the damage you did, and I want you to learn that it is not okay to ruin someone else’s life because you could never be true to yourself. With that said, I understand what it is like to not be true to yourself, even if it was for only a few years. I understand how devastating it is to one’s psyche to live a lie. I understand how that could lead one to do wild and inappropriate and immoral things. Since I understand all these things, from living a lie myself, if even only for only a few years, I understand why you did the things that you did. With understanding comes forgiveness.