Archive for the ‘Relationships, Sex, Cookies,’ Category

It was 2 days shy of 13 months ago when I wrote the post Date or soul mate?. It was detailing the type of characteristics you would hope to find in a future husband or wife. I really had to give myself a pat on the back for summing up the book so well and giving my spin on it. Anyways I figured it would be a good time to revisit my idea of a good man (again) since I am newly single and entering back into the wonderful world of dating.

The last few days have been rather hard actually. Having to think about starting over and pushing myself out into the social scene can be pretty intimidating at first. This time around I do plan on taking things hopefully much slower than I have in the past BUT I will move forward with those guidelines I seem to have forgotten to take with me on that first date.

After being with my ex I realize how much more important it is to stick to the LIST. Although we may find someone who is seemingly right, you may tend to have issues with someone if everything doesn’t 100% check out. This isn’t to say be so strict but to be close as possible wouldn’t hurt at all. So my list once again isn’t really meant to be taken lightly although you are welcome to laugh and call me crazy, I just needed to put it on paper what Mik feels is a good rule of thumb to picking the right dude.

1. Must make more money than me or equal – If you think this is golddiggerish then your probably right lol. Even though I feel my situation wasn’t purely based on money most of it was, and it was the heart of the breakdown of my relationship. Some people make not like to believe relationships aren’t about money but trust a LOT of them are. So I am keeping this one just so we don’t have to deal with the broke ones. P.S i don’t make that much so it shouldn’t be hard lol.

2. Family ties – I admit I get into with my momma on the regular but at the end of the day we can call each other and laugh about what ever we had argued about before. I love my mom and my little brother and I would love to be with someone who shares my same sentiments.

3. Believes and knows God – Please believe I am NOT a bible thumper nor do I want to date one. but it is important to be with a man who recognizes a higher power and is not afraid to call on him in a time of need, or simply give some praise when he is blessing us. If I can say babe, lets go to church and he says sure would do me a lot of good cuz i need some Jesus right nah.

4. Good with Money- Not a penny pincher but knows how to balance being in a relationship and managing their own bills too. I don’t actually believe in participating in the recession because I am always looking for new ways to bring in money. If you can’t realize that dating cost, then maybe you just shouldn’t date because even though I am on a budget I still need some fun in my life. I don’t want a man who is a tight wad but I do want a man who looks towards the future financially and plans for that.

5. Can balance seriousness and goofiness – I am a silly girl by nature and it would do me good to laugh 24-7 if I could and I appreciate a man who can be silly at any given moment but I also want someone who can have a serious conversation about life in general and things that make us who we are, its just good for the soul.

6. Keeping me in check – Please do not mistake this for an IKE and Tina sitcho or now days Chris and ReRe, But a man who is cool with telling me no but also realizes how happy it makes me when he tells me yes. I love a man who can make decisions without needing a second opinion (Good decisions mind you) It just makes you feel so secure.

7. Educated – I am putting this back on my list because Mik is going back to school and I’m gonna need some help with homework lol.

So here is my list, there are a few things missing but if you are smart you know the things that aren’t on the list that I don’t actually NEED to mention……

I was layin in my bed (napping) earlier today and this guy popped up in my head which he so often does. I thought to myself, “why can’t I get him off my brain?” Then I started to answer my question and thought maybe if I wrote it down I could also figure out a way to let it go at the same time. So lets see if it works…..

1. You by far are the finest man I have ever met in my entire life. My best friend thinks your “not hot” But for some reason you come off as the best thing since sliced bread. Maybe its your eyes, maybe its how you walk, or how you dress could be that you look like a tall drink of water to me. I haven’t met any man to date that compares and I really should let it go…..

2. The sex was the greatest of all time. I shouldn’t let you know that because it only seems to fuel your ego and send you on an “im the greatest” rampage that last for months on end and leaves you to forget about me until its time for you to be “Stroked yet again”. Maybe I should just let it go……

3. Your arrogance, evasiveness, and nonchalant attitude kept me intrigued. I dunno why, but I always thought I could just break the barrier that you held so tough and I would “win”. Maybe it was no such thing and you just weren’t that into me, I read way to much into it and I need to let it go……

4. Your an ass and I liked it. Nothing about you (in my opinion) is nice. You pretend that your a people person and want everything to be right with the world. But your selfish and you don’t even notice it. You play victim in almost every case and refuse to believe that maybe you yes you could be the problem. Yep its time to let it go……

5. You liked to be loved by many and thrive on the fact that women hang off your nuts. You don’t lead people on true, but you have a way of making “us” believe that sometimes its more than it really is, and you feed into their thoughts by hanging on just enough for them to stick around. Really gotta let it go….

So Its Been a couple weeks now since John Doe came back into my life. I gotta say since the day he left my house its been nothing but bickering back n forth!! I got off the phone with him today and figure now would be a good time to state my case. The man called me selfish!! arggggggg. Why in the world would anybody believe lil sweet Mikki could be caught with that label. Well let me tell ya…

So I been giving John pretty much the 3rd degree for the past few weeks. I explained to him that I didn’t have time to be fooling around with (possibilities of a relationship) He came at me with some “lets see where things go” and I excepted that for a little bit. Things have been “GOING” no place. He calls once in a purple moon. Only visits when he is in town working or picking up his daughter (by way is so cute). The man will swear on his life he is making all the effort in the world to show his worth. But it is ME yes ME who isn’t contributing to the progression of the relationship. Well dude lemmie just clear things up for you. The ONE time you did visit my house, I made you dinner, introduced you to my roommate and made you (100%) made you feel comfortable welcomed, and appreciated so much so that you called me the next day to let me know how greatful you were. Since then I have gotten half assed phone calls returned, and whining about how busy you are with work!! Now guys I don’t hate on hard working brotha’s but is it that much dang blad work in the universe!!! Good gosh!! Yet everytime we get on the phone I am pushed into a corner like im doing the victimizing.

So this time I told Mr Doe. I can’t deal I said it was YOU that approached me not the other way around and if you for one minute think I am going to take you serious you need to prove yourself which thus far you haven’t. His argument was that oh well you can come see me anytime. Dude?? You didn’t invite my ass!!! Can yall hear my frustration??? I told John I don’t need a man, I have gone this far with out one and will be damn if I let one into my life that hardly knows how to call on a regular basis and yes I have been calling too which he pretty much never returns the calls. So im selfish for wanting a man to chilvarize me and make me feel special. He said its suppose to be 50/50 and he was right. But I said I can’t give my 50 when you putting in 32.5 Its just not gonna happen. I have been fine without the kisses and cuddling and obviously sex cuz non of that is or has been going down either, so trust I can go longer if need be. Please don’t treat me like your doing me a favor cuz last I checked they had toys for that my man…..

I am just totally annoyed that he acts like the victim and he just proves why I am choosing to be single. I have been working 2 jobs and even I still can make time for a man (outside of work hours) If I need to or feel your worth driving an hour for. If you want to be my friend coo call when u please, if you want to be my man you gotta do a little better, and if you just want to be my f*ck buddy oh well you got the wrong sista girl Cuz I for damn sure aint the one ya hurdddddddddddddd!!! John Doe you officially have your own category on my blog space congrats….

I finally Got around to changing the title of this post, and now its fitting. The saying goes “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” Now its more free milk everywhere. So my approach is more like “Put a down payment on the cow and you have 90 days to pay in full”

Today I was here doing some reading about sex and relationships and it got me to thinking about my current situation. Right now I am single and about 8 months or so ago, I committed myself to being sex free, celibate, born again virgin what ever you want to label it. After reading the post I started to get a bit of jealousy in me and it brought me here. I know as a woman I have had the luxury of being able to have sex with whomever I so choose (for the most part) But when I decided not to have sex until I was in a serious relationship, I realized how hard it was going to be to actually find someone I was compatible with. So far that has left me without “Getting some” I have been ok with it for the most part, but when you here about “Everybody else” getting theirs you start to wonder about what your missing or not missing.

For the most part I don’t think I have missed much. I don’t miss being called at random hours asking what I got up for the night, I don’t miss wondering if the guy I was seeing had other females he kicked it with, I don’t miss not getting gifts on birthdays and holidays because I was “just a jump off” or a “Friend with a benefit”. As for the positives of having sex well I guess I’d say I wouldn’t be in such a pissy mood twice a week had I been getting it on the regular.

Most of the negative reasons are why I got out of having sex for pleasure. It was cool for a while but I started to realize I wanted more and If I had to wait for sex to get it then I would rather do that, as appossed to being dumped or having some other woman being chosen over me. I think the reason we get off into the friends with benefits is because we don’t want to put in real work as far as relationships are concerned. It would require being tagged just about 24/7, remembering every holiday, birthday, anniversary, keepin up with who rubbed whose back last, and who was the last one to make a romantic dinner. I mean seriously everybody is on this career tip so tough that a real relationship just seems so last on the list of things to do but we still want to “get ours”. I honestly don’t think anything is wrong with not being in a relationship but for me I have come to a point where I need some stability mainly so that I don’t have to ask you if you can come over and “Do me” only to be told well im at the gym or I gotta work late or im finna go here or there or everywhere, “but I can hit u up later”like a friend with b’s or a jump off would do. Not sayin they are always not on point but half the time its not good to depend on them. Another reason is because I think the no commitment gives us an easy out for when we cheat on eachother, I know for me if a dude tried to call me out the first thing I would say is “your not my man” that always will shut him up fast about questioning me on where I am at and stuff and same goes for the man.

Now I do realize there are hardships in relationships too but for the most part if you are working towards something long term the arguments can be worked through. I know we all are about money and getting tight, but what happens when it comes time to be married. Are you going to know honestly how to be in a real relationship or will you spend half your marriage trying to adjust to being with someone full time and having to be accounted for. For me the time is now. I don’t plan on satisfying my sexual urges for something that doesn’t amount to much, my hormones aren’t that outta control.

On the other hand if you have always been one to be in a relationship then the whole sex issue doesn’t really figure into what I am talking about. I really have only had 1 relationship and I don’t come by to many guys who say they want me to be their woman. I do know I would give almost anything to have that stability I had when I wasn’t single. Right now am not willing to accept much less than that. To me when a man says he wants to be with me means he is ready to be a man and put in the work it takes to pull off a good relationship not saying that all men are on point but most don’t talk about relationships unless they really want to go there. If I haven’t become that woman that every man wants to commit to then I guess I got to get working, but until I get there this sista will be sexless which is probably in so many ways part of the process.

See I coulda swore I was off the subject of men not calling enoughbut it just won’t go away damn!! I was sittin in my room on my laptop yesterday and over heard…………actually I was listening/ease dropping in on a conversation one of my roommates was having on the phone. This is how it went.

Guy on the phone: ________________

Roommate: I just don’t understand why he acting a fool like this I should be happy right now I am about to graduate!

Guy on the phone: Yea I feel you __________________

Roommate: I mean I been gone for 5 weeks now and I have talked to him less times than I can count on my fingers, I am busy in vet school but I always always make time to call him!! there is no way he to busy to call me.

Guy on the phone: Maybe he jealous of you

Roommate: I mean yea I thought about that. I have went out my way to deal with this and I am about to give him an ultimatum if something don’t give. Why are men such pussies when it comes to relationships. I mean I know a girl broke your heart but that was 3 damn years ago!! suck that shit up!! Thats no reason why you can’t make up your mind about not committing to me.

Guy on the phone: Yep you right

Roommate: There are soooooooo many other guys I could be dating believe that!! so it aint even about me finding another man. Can you believe I tried to check him on his shit and he got on the defense about it?? I mean if you care about somebody why wouldn’t you want to hear from them and talk to them more?? I could be salty and cheat on him but I’m not even like that.

Guy on the phone: You right I mean but You gotta understand he been through some thangs.

Roommate: We both have but you don’t see me not dating because of it. Anyways thanks for listening I will hit you up later.

Now I was going to say something but something tells me she already know plus she mighta went off on me for being in her convo lol. But anyways This roommate of mine from what I learned in two weeks since I been here, just turned 27, very pretty, smart, and about to graduate from a Historically Black college’s Vet program next month. Somebody tell me why she stressing ova a dude that don’t seem to care for her???? I have been down this path many times before but I will be damn if I am going through this issue at 27 being fresh outta college. He personally sounds like a bum but I could be wrong. Point is why do us as woman not recognize the signs that point to a man not being into us?? I mean are we really that desperate or hard up? You can only use that “We been together so long” excuse for SO LONG! there comes a point where you gotta say enough is a damn nuff! I have been there and done that and I got the T-shirt for it and my days of cryin over some guy not calling me enough are over. Plus once you experience a man that actually does right and calls you random times of the day to say hi so much so that you expect him to call, you wont want to go back to the “I aint have time” speech ever again

So what would you do had you invested 3 years with a man who is outta touch, jaded or trippin?