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My wife is like that. There is a whole subreddit about it. I think your analysis is good, though some studies show that cheaters who don't want to get caught actually have more sex with their SO than before to cover it up.

My wife has been baffled for 20 years as to why. She has issues, we have kids, we're tired, etc.. But when I ask it's similar. She doesn't know, or there are a million small reasons that aren't really the big, real reason.

You did great as a friend. You won't fix this or ever really understand it, and he may never either. I hope everybody gets hurt as little as possible.

There is a whole subreddit to this. However, if they had been married 15 years and had a year and a half of no sex, then this advice makes sense. But they have been married TWO years, meaning she stopped wanting sex six months in.

A good and seasoned sex therapist might be able to help you guys sort through what is a result of being tired and the kids and what is an innate lack of desire, and what things you can learn to get an interest in your sex life again.

As someone who has cheated on a partner, I still slept with them to cover it up so things would seem normal to them. Reproducing acts from my other sex life was extremely off putting in the moment because it would remind me of the other person.

It is possible that he got duped. It is also possible that she has no sex drive. Head on over to r/deadbedrooms. There are a bunch of people over there who deal with this. They may be able to help more. There will be a lot of questions.

Marriage shouldn't be legally binding. Since it is, I think cheating is breaking your contract with the state. I personally won't get my marriage acknowledged by the state for many reasons, mainly, because it's none of their business. But if you're in the camp that believes that your marriage is the governments business, shouldn't cheating be too?

Actually, in some states adultery is illegal. It is very hard to prove (when, where, with who), and is usually just a fine (I think in Virginia it's $10). Most people will, however, use evidence of adultery to get better spousal support/custody arrangements/whatever they want.

Source: I work for a law firm that handles a lottttt of nasty divorces.

Technically you can, but unless the infidelity was otherwise contrary to good discipline -- e.g. sleeping with a subordinate or, and Heaven help you if you do this, the spouse of a subordinate -- you probably won't.

The divorce would heavily favor the woman if she had proof of him cheating.

No, not in the US, not for decades. A few states allow adultery to weigh with custody decisions, but since they're her kids anyway, it's not an issue.

While I understand where you're coming from, for a lot of people, frowning at a bad situation is as shitty as crying about it. I'd rather laugh and maintain some semblance of sanity, myself, but you're free to respond to situations how you want, friend.

Whoa! There could be a lot of different things going on here. Ever been to /r/deadbedrooms? Think every woman there has a medical problem or married their husband for army benefits? Let's not be so quick to crucify this woman, especially since we're getting our information through a game of Telephone.

They moved to Alaska. She may be seriously depressed. Alaska can really fuck with your head. They need a SAD light box for winter, even if she isn't depressed they could use the vitamin D. Have him ask her about how she has been feeling.

Though I definitely agree that the giving husband permission to sleep around is fishy.

Hawaii can be rough for people who aren't used to being totally surrounded by water constantly. I'm not one of those people but I have friends who have come back from Hickham AFB and had that exact experience

That is a really long time, but I can say I have a responsive desire completely! and have zero interest in initiating or even sex until I get turned on by my mate kissing me or being sexy. I do cuddle and like being close, but not sex.

Does she like to be physically intimate at all, such as touching, hugging, kissing? I feel like that would be a tell tale sign.

Me: that must be some medical problem. Perhaps her hormone levels are off. Him: She got a physical recently with some series of tests and everything came out normal.

That doesn't mean she got her hormone levels checked. He may not have any idea what she was tested for and is just assuming that they would have found something. If she didn't tell her doctor that she's experiencing zero desire, they won't be looking for that issue.

Me: Okay well when you did have sex did you make sure she was satisfied? Him: I think so

This also means very little. He could be terrible in bed. I mean, I hope not, but just because he says that he "thinks" he made sure to satisfy her doesn't mean he even knows where the clit is. You know?

[edit]: For the record, I think your conclusion is right. There's something else going on, most likely. However, I wanted to say that there still could be a hormone issue, or a sexual incompatibility issue, & that you can't rule those things out quite yet based on his answers to you.

There could be any number of causes, and like people are saying the most likely ones are;

She's cheating

She has an issue with her hormones

She could be asexual

Any of these are options and are all worth considering. /r/DeadBedrooms
is a good place to go. Seeing as her tests came back normal, it seems unlikely to be an issue with hormones, unless it might be related to any contraceptive she is taking?

some birth control pills have testosterone blocking hormones that can lead to lack of a sex drive as well as reduced lubrication. Happened to me. I went off them and my libido and all is back up to normal and growing.

I found that with all hormonal birth control pills, so I went on Mirena, a hormonal IUD, but because the hormones are released directly where they are needed, it is a fraction of the dose compared to oral stuff. My sex drive improved dramatically from that. Anecdotal, I know, but switching around different types of birth control methods might be helpful to see which one works for you the best.

Sorry... I'm new to posting on reddit and kind of forget to check comments... I was on Yaz for several years and had an ever decreasing libido. I thought it was from stress but realized that it wasn't.

Birth control containing anti-androgenic progesterone will give you this side effect. Great because they reduce acne and unwanted hair, but not so great for the other side effects (reduced libido, reduced lubrication, reduced ambition, depression). I found this website. It's actually something for treating skin problems, but it has a list of birth controls that contain the antiandrogenic. It clearly doesn't effect all women the same, so it may work for you without the side effects.

Lots of people that are asexual don't realize that it's a thing. They are expected to be sexual, so they try, and then they get preggers. It doesn't mean that they have a lasting intrinsic desire to be sexual. There are also such things as grey-sexuals, who want to have sex sometimes, on occasion, but maybe like three or four times a year, and that would do it for them and they would be perfectly happy with that.

If the wife doesn't masturbate, so no solitary desire either, then the possibility that she could be asexual/grey-sexual/have really low desire is strengthened.

But if she's masturbating all the time and then doesn't like sex, something else might be going on.

I fully agree, I'm just saying being asexual is still a possibility, albeit a shitty one for OP's friend. A year and a half in a 2 year old marriage is completely unacceptable without extenuating circumstances (like disability or something)

Normally I have something to add to conversations but this one is hard, especially since we can't ask OP for details like we could the friend. There's a LOT of things that could be missing from this picture.

My gut reads that story and says she's sleeping around, but stays with him for the benefits. If she simply refuses to see a professional when it's a major issue in the relationship, it's a pretty strong indicator she doesn't care.

"He proceeded to tell me that she flat out told him that if he wants to have sex with other people he can."

There's your answer. If that's not a desperate attempt to escape guilt I don't know what is. It doesn't mean she's cheating (it could) but it just means she knows something isn't right and she's attempting to release herself from her "obligations" whatever she sees those as

I think all of your possibilities are good guesses. It could be any of those. I also think that if she is refusing professional help or thinks it's no big deal, then she doesn't care about him as much as he thinks she does. That doesn't mean she's sleeping around, that doesn't even mean she doesn't "love" him, but I do think that she doesn't care as much about him as he does her.

If she is on the birth control pill, that could be causing her to have a lack of sex drive. It might not be her natural hormones, and they probably screen for the changes in a medical like she had so they might not mention it if they're just seeing the hormones from the pill. Could be something to mention if she is on the pill.

This is actually more common than you'd think. Lots of women have a low sex drive. Sex therapy can help them try to express all their excitation and limit their inhibitions, but in the end, some people just have low sex drives.

I would suggest marriage counselling/sex therapy and a professional can diagnose whether her sex drive is salvageable or whether she just has none to begin with and then the best option is for him to find some paid companionship (with safety precautions) and then they can be happy together with a limited sex life. That is, assuming that he would be okay with having a perfectly happy relationship minus the sex.

It really should be up to them and a sex therapist.

EDIT I'm a grad student studying female sexuality and low to no desire is surprisingly common without cheating, relationship dissatisfaction, or ulterior motives.

Not everyone is comfortable sharing online with people they don't know. Regardless of what you think SHOULD have happened, this is what DID happen. She's trying to help her friend. The question was how to help her friend, not how to point out the short comings of others.

The commercial isn't stupid, it does exactly what a commercial is intended to do. To advertise its product with some sort of catch (this case it is comedic and clever) to draw in possible consumers. Just because you're hungry doesn't mean you should come on here and talk down people who are trying to help their friend

I don't know about this - everyone is saying he got duped, and she's just in it for the benefits, but my wife and I have gone longer without sex, and I'm sure she loves me in her own way, and I know for a fact she isn't cheating on me, but I believe it when she says she has absolutely no sex drive any more. It's like sex simply doesn't exist for her in the real world.

Well you need to seduce a woman in order to get her in the mood, you can't just say "hey want to fuck", is there any romance in their damn life? Have him light some candles and give her a damn massage with some romantic music playing. Make her a nice dinner, watch a chick flick and cuddle.

No. All the counseling we did and books we read (wife and I) say this because it is a problem so often, BUT research shows the opposite in these really bad situations. I wouldn't down vote you, but women are in charge of their own desire.

NOBODY can seduce you if you don't play along! If you aren't open to seduction, he's bothering you, period. A real dead bedroom is NOT just not getting enough attention first, or having to be warmed up first. It's more like the school geek hitting on the popular girl over and over until she is not only not interests, but annoyed and disgusted.

If you are open to it, then flirting, seduction, dirty talk, touching, attention, gifts, flattery, backrubs, bubblebaths, daddy/mommy dates, etc... are wonderful and they work. In a real DB, it's all just grasping at straws or begging for scraps.

It's not like you go from crazy in love one day to "annoyed and disgusted" the next day. There is some stuff that goes on in between there, and keeping up the romance is the way to make sure part two doesn't happen. Yes, if you're at that point then lighting candles and trying to rub her feet is going to come off terribly. However, the goal is to never get there in the first place.

Is she taking birth control? There are many types of birth control that can make a woman lose interest in sex. Additionally, considering that she moved to Alaska, (And assuming she has no friends or family there), she may be depressed. I remember when I moved to Califronia, I was depressed for a long time for the very many reasons that someone gets depressed when they move to a new place. Not everyone is good at making a new place work, especially Alaska! Don't judge the person before these things are evaluated. I would suggest that they go to counseling together so that they can find out what the problem is in order to find a solution. You have to consider that someone who hasn't wanted to have sex in a YEAR probably has another more serious underlyning issue. Every realtionship goes through its dry spells. I have times where I don't want to have sex for a while, but never that long, (and following is the important part), whether it is with someone I am still into or not. As long as I am attracted to that person and in a relationship, I will want to have sex eventually when my underlying issue is not that serious. In my opinion, she needs to go speak to someone about that. I can assure you that whether she wants to still be with him or not, there is an issue there.

Some people have very low sex drives. It's a thing. No reason to jump to the conclusion that this person has a medical problem, is depressed, isn't in love with her husband, etc. Of course any of those things COULD be the case ... But a very simple explanation could be that she has a low sex drive, or no sex drive, end of story. That's kind of why you might not want to marry someone before you have a chance to figure out it you're sexually compatible or not ...

I don't think that low sex drive is the end of the story once you're already committed in a marriage. There are people who spend their lives researching this stuff, and finding out what little things can help. It's definitely something worth speaking to a professional about, imo.

I'm a military wife of 13 years, and was a dependent under my dad for 15. I know her type. The word "dependapotamus" has already been mentioned in the comments, and I concur. Make sure your friend avoids having children with her, and ask a neighbor to keep an eye on the comings and goings at their house the next time he leaves.

It's sad, really. The fact that she's so willing to allow him to screw other women is a dead giveaway that she's trying to account for her guilt.

What meds is she on? Lots of medications cause reduced libido. The two biggies I know of are heart and anxiety, but there's lots.

Also, I loved my ex body and soul, but I was never sexually attracted to him. When I was young and super horny, it was really easy to get to it, but as we hit the third or fourth year it started to become a chore. I started to become depressed about it. It didn't help any that he had thrush and dandruff, both of which were huge turn offs. I tried for years to teach him to kiss, but the bad breath from the thrush just made it unbearable (probiotic pills helped, but he had terrible oral hygiene). Eventually, I just wasn't into it anymore. I was willing to continue the relationship solely for the friendship, but it was strained with lack of sex.

It's easy to demonize this woman, but there may be more going on than anyone realizes.

sounds like to her he is a friend with benefits, but in the wrong way. Sorry..bad joke.
I have a feeling even if she does put out she won't exactly be GGG, and he might end up feeling like a loser having to constantly convince her for it and that is unfair to him. I guess it depends how important her companionship is to him and the bond he has with the kids. She might still be a good wife in other ways just not in bed. He needs to weigh the pros and cons and figure out what to do before taking any serious steps. Sex is but one component of marriage.

"His wife and step-kids are now living in Alaska with him pretty much the entire time he has been there. I felt it was odd that she was pressuring him to marry him since they were together. My husband and I were concerned that he was marrying him for all the wrong reasons."

First off, read through the desire FAQ. This is a much more complicated issue that many people realize. And this stuff is more common than people may realize.... there are a number of marriages where the couple hasn't had sex in 5, 10, or even 20 years. Desire issues are by far the most common issues that couples go to see a sex therapist for. We have no idea who this woman is and we cannot say if she is purely in the marriage for the benefits or if she truly loves her husband or not. Yes, there are red flags here, but we are getting the information from a secondary source so we have to take it all with a grain of salt. So OP- get him to read through that FAQ with his partner and to spend a lot of time talking about it. If she was willing to get a physical, chances are she's willing to work on this in at least some capacity.

I have no advice except that if I were your friend, I would be very careful about sleeping with other people, despite the wife's "permission". If she's the kind of person to marry someone just to use them, I would not trust her integrity with the "extramarital sex is permitted" thing.

I'm assuming she isn't asexual because she has had kids, but I don't know. I think she's just using the guy to support her children, get the benefits, etc. I'd suggest that they should seek some counselling or flat out just discuss his issues with this, but hey, I don't know shit about this stuff.

After about a year, my ex lost all interest in sex, intimacy, or much of anything that wasn't "I have a problem, I need you to solve it."

She cheated on me, repeatedly, with the same person. I spent the next four years (including time overseas where it would have been difficult at best) getting paperwork together so I could get her out of military housing, then divorced.

When the time for the actual divorce came, she suddenly took great interest in my financial situation (money was never a thing for her before, never held a job, stay at home wife), and filed multiple objections to the divorce proceedings.

That is the classic 'dependapotamous'. The only thing she was missing was her kids from a previous relationship- which your friend has!

Your friend got married after 15 years in the Air Force. He was 5 years away from a guaranteed paycheck for the rest of his life, plus health care, medical+dental, and a whole host of other benefits that a single mother could really use. She's not interested in him as a person, she's interested in him as a paycheck.

Gotta love the misogyny on this site. "Dependapotamus"? Really? OMG SHE'S A SINGLE MOM SHE MUST JUST BE OUT FOR A FREE RIDE!!!

Just because you had sex during PPD doesn't mean everyone has that same capability. Maybe she has depression or adjustment disorder. Maybe your friend isn't such a great husband and says or does things that make her feel unhappy--not necessarily abuse, but what's he bringing to all this and why's she getting all the blame? Keep in mind you're biased toward this guy since he's your friend.