I’ve recently noticed that I’ve fallen victim to this trend in my own storytelling. I’m aromantic and asexual and have not desire or intention on ever marrying or even dating, and I certainly don’t equate happiness with romantic relationships in real life, but for some reason I continually write my characters into happy endings that involve a significant other. Unless the character is specifically created to be aromantic and/or asexual then they almost always have some type of romantic interest.

So I’ll continue to fine-tune the clarity of my fiction and hope that more and more readers see these character relationships for what they are, even if that recognition comes with astonishment or bafflement. I’ll continue to write this love that calls to me on the deepest level of my being—not to make other people understand but just for the pure bliss of writing it.

While attempting to contribute to public conversation, though, this works against me. I get convinced that I have to keep editing, because I’m convinced only a perfect product is worthy of a post. I’m never satisfied, and a post never goes up, or a comment takes days to write, or a comment never goes up at all.

And I want to be able to turn to someone with some power and say, “This is wrong,” and have them agree that is a Big Deal and worth telling the offender not to do anymore, without it taking away from the actual harm that others suffer as a result of untrue and negative beliefs about them.

I recorded a video on asexual disclosure this Saturday, but I’ve been kind of afraid to edit it because I wasn’t feeling too well and I may have been rambling — but never mind that. What I’m trying to say is that recording it made me think about what advice for aces in relationship with sexuals looks like.

This person is being celebrated in my hometown and sponsored by my neighbors, yet her past comments taint what I’m sure will be an otherwise enjoyable, woman-positive performance. The question is, what should I do? What CAN I do? There’s no activist asexual movement here. Heck, I’m not sure there’s an activist asexual movement anywhere (maybe San Francisco?). We tend to be low-key people.

But even in those communities, if two people walk in holding hands, or start cuddling on the couch, the first assumption is generally that they’re dating. And of course, if people are dating, the implication is generally that they’re having sex. And that really bothers me. Why is cuddling automatically assumed to be sexual? Why does physical affection and intimacy have to be limited to one specific kind of relationship?