Tim Grobaty: Shop before the world ends

THREE 12s: We're confused. We were under the impression from our Mayan friends that the world will end on the 21st of this month, which means there's no cause for panic yet. In fact, masking the assumption you're even going to live until Dec. 21 is just the sort of hubris the gods eat like popcorn.

Now we're hearing that the world might end Wednesday, for all the usual uninventive reasons: solar flares gone amok, collision with the planet Nibiru, polar shifts, collapse of the earth's magnetic field or a regular old rapture. Perhaps something having to do with confusion between the numbers 12 and 21? You'd think if a guy could read a Mayan calendar, he could figure out the difference between 12 and 21.

At any rate, people are throwing fiddling-while-Rome-burns parties and doing other things of note (getting married, trying mightily to conceive, getting their car washed) on Wednesday.

Our last, heroic act on this planet, should it explode Wednesday, but later in the evening, will be to sign copies of our new book, "Location Filming in Long Beach," as well as our first book, "Long Beach Chronicles," this evening at 6 at Apostrophe Books, 4712 E. Second St., in Belmont Shore.

That's just part (a huge part, but still only a part) of this evening's Holiday Open House from 6 till 9 in Belmont Shore.

All along the great shopping and dining district, stores will be offering specials and in-store treats and Santa and carolers will be out.

The Shore's 12-12-12 event is a kickoff, too, for daily holiday deals during its secular 12 Days of Shopping, which features free two-hour parking on Saturdays and Sundays through the Dec. 23, or the end of time, whichever comes sooner.

THIS JUST IN!: Just got an email from the Laguna Hills-based Louix Dor Dempriey, a "spiritual master" who started the oddly named Louix Dor Dempriey Foundation and who, according to his c.v., "leads events."

The events leader assures us in what we're imagining to be a soothing, almost hypnotic baritone that the Mayan calendar does not mean that doomsday is near. Alarmingly, he has only five reasons for making the declaration.

1. The Mayans never actually said the world was going to end: That doesn't make us feel better. Plenty of people argue that yes, they did.

2. The date marks the beginning of a new era for humanity, not the end of humanity: OK, "new" as in "better," or just new? We have a feeling that if a new humanity comes along, we'll all be saying "We liked the old humanity better. We can't get our iPad to run in this one."

3. Many religions and prophets have been letting people know that it will be a turning point for humanity, rather than a doomsday: Basically, see No. 2. Our man is just padding his list now.

4. There are no physical signs to indicate the planet is ending. If there were, scientists would have discovered them and their findings would be making news headlines everywhere: What's this? Religious folks saying, "Wait, scientists are trying to tell us something! We should listen to them."

5. What would be the point of life ending, especially on Dec. 21? It would serve no purpose. Good point, and one that leads us to wonder what would be the point of our very own life ending, especially on whatever date that happens? It would serve no purpose.

Over at NASA (nasa.gov), the organization that faked a moon landing in 1969 that fooled no one with its shoddy production values and fairly weak casting, scientists have compiled a much more thorough list of debunkings of the doomsday scenario.

NASA experts don't even expect the sudden turnaround in humanity on Dec. 21. It's like nothing at all will happen except four more days of Christmas shopping.

Still, just to be on the safe side, you should get that done tonight so you'll have all your presents before humanity changes.