Dunno how far back you might have gone in the archives, but this seemed useful . . .

QUOTE(venetia @ May 14 2006, 06:11 PM)

It sounds like recognisable workplace bullying to me, Runningwestward. Bullying is really freaky, not least because you believe it's somehow you not the bully, and that if you just "deal" it will be okay. But actually it's recognised these days as a form of harrassment, and it's more or less illegal.

Maybe if you get hold of a book like The Gentle Art Of Verbal Self Defense At Work it will help you formulate answers to the bully which let him know that you consider his behaviour inappropriate and bullying, and that you want him to stop. For some reason rehearsing words from a book helps me because that way it's not such a personal investment as in my own words.

You may need a formal record that the man's behaviour is a problem for you, so you'll need to make a note to a supervisor or boss. Not necessarily a complaint, just let them know that for the record you have asked X to (for eg) stop making personal remarks to you or engaging in other bullying behaviour.

Also you need to keep a log of what he says and does, and when, and maybe a brief sentence about any measurable effects it had (eg in that case, by bringing up his problem at an inappropriate time he hindered your ability to concentrate onthe difficult job at hand). This will quite quickly reveal a distinct pattern to his behaviour, and will be invaluable if it gets to the point where you have to make a formal complaint.

Also if you dig around you'll probably find the rules that your lab is supposed to follow.

I'm not trying to suggest that you should take responsibility for his behaviour (that's probably something he himself thinks). But, he's a hazard to you at the moment and you will need to take steps to protect yourself from him.

A few years ago I was being bullied and sexually harrassed at university, and for the longest time I thought it was "just me", my fault (for years! for like, three years!). Then when I found out that the guy had been doing it to other women too, I realised and we made a complaint. It's much easier for me to act on protecting others than myself. The guy basically was removed from campus and I haven't seen him since.

Reading the workplace bullying resources online it was really strange for me because the descriptions of behaviour were striking chords - it was like, wow, this is a real, recognised thing, it's not just me, it's not my fault, and it's not all in my head!

arkadystar

Aug 6 2010, 07:55 PM

QUOTE(auralpoison @ Aug 6 2010, 01:46 AM)

*bump*

Dunno how far back you might have gone in the archives, but this seemed useful . . .

Auralpoison, you just saved my day (and many more days in my life...). Thanks, this is perfect!Hi people, I'm a newbie, and I just joined to talk about my workplace bullying, except I couldn't put it into words exactly until Auralpoison just did so for me.I have read some of the recent thread here, and the Workplace Bullying link and the Oprah links. Wow, these are great! I feel so much better. I have been working with two bullies, who are peers, at a university for three years. Last night one of them really set me off, I felt terrible that I was so affected by a fairly minor thing, and then had a big fight with my husband about it, which only made me feel worse. So this thread is a godsend at this moment in time.Everything makes sense to me now. I was bullied as a child, but I thought that was so far behind me - now I see that my reactions to these bullies are understandable, and I can throw off a burden I've been carrying around almost since the beginning: the idea that I am paranoid, weak, or otherwise responsible for inviting, creating, or imagining this harassment. What a revelation. Has anyone had success in improving their confrontation skills? Does this book "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" help you or any other similar resources? I find that I instinctively agree with or ignore my attackers even though internally I am laughing at how silly they are or simply disagreeing. I spend nights thinking of things I wish I had said out loud. Any tips on how to get better at saying those things up front?

Persiflager

Aug 9 2010, 03:12 AM

Roleplay it with someone you trust! Husband or friend, could you ask someone to help you? Start with a script of mean things they say, then work through your responses and the different ways they can react. Maybe you can make them wear a silly hat while they're doing it, or an insulting sign or name-tag - how about 'Miss TwatBrain' or 'My breath smells of monkey dung'?

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