Twenty-five years ago this Sunday, a little UHF station in Minneapolis called KTMA debuted a bizarre movies-and-puppet show from a well-known local comedian named Joel Hodgson. The show was called Mystery Science Theater 3000, and from those humble beginnings, it blossomed into a cult phenomenon: a year later, it was picked up for national broadcast by the new Comedy Channel (which would later morph into Comedy Central), where it ran for seven seasons before transferring to the Sci-Fi Channel for three more. But even though the show has been off the air for over 14 years, it lives on.

“I hate to put it this way, but the project deteriorated with the remakes. And when we made the 5th one-that was the last one, I think it was-I said to Jesus [Director Jess Franco] when I viewed the print, I said, ‘Well, you’ve done something that was impossible: You successfully killed Fu Manchu.’”

-Producer Harry Alan Towers on The Castle of Fu Manchu quoted from The Fall of Fu Manchu.

There was a 6th Fu Manchu movie planned, but it was scrapped after the critical and box office failure of The Castle.

I don’t’ know much about the ‘historical’ Fu Manchu. If you had asked me, I would have probably cited him as a Sherlock Holmes villain.

We all know Fu Manchu as a villain and a mustache, but Sax Rohmer actually described Fu as ‘hairless’, for 50 points and control of the board: Which actor was the first to portray Fu Manchu with a mustache?

Footage from 1958’s A Night to Remember (sinking ship) and 1957’s Campbell’s Kingdom (Bursting Dam) are used in this movie.

Director Jesus (Jess) Franco, and who appears as Inspector Ahmet, made some very odd pornography/sexploitation films during his career. I have seen him referred to as ‘the Ed Wood’ of Europe. He directed films from the late 50’s to 2013, he passed away earlier this year.

We miss Lisa (Rosalba Neri) killing a junkie in the SOL cut. He just comes into the scene complaining of no opium, and she knifes him.

Another film where the nonsensical nature of the movie is not a result of unfair editing, but exist in the original cut. The Governor goes straight from the dead man to running around the hallways.

A very dramatic colored liquid boiling sequence. Kind of pretty, but padding all the same. The extended coffin carrying sequence was a good choice to cut. The heart surgery takes longer in the full version, a missed chance for more fake blood and gore is all it becomes. The SOL did a very good job of cutting this film without losing very much in terms of structure.

Is there another series like this built around a villain?

The one thing I do like about this movie: all the little 1920’s items-the cars, the phones, guns and equipment.

Honestly, the best thing in this movie is Rosalba Neri in those suits.

There is so much wrong with this movie. It was a franchise on its very last legs. The script had become lazy, relying on coincidence after coincidence to further the plot. The direction is trying too hard to be ‘arty’ in too many places. Too many decisions by the characters fly hard in the face of logic. The last Fu Manchu movie I know was that crime that was Peter Sellers’ last film. The Castle really did kill the character from the popular culture.

Was there hope of turning this into a retro-James Bond ripoff? Nayland Smith, at least this version of him, has no skills at all. The fight choreography at the end of the movie is wooden.

Watchability: 2 of 5. I have to disagree with Tom Servo, this is not the worst movie they ever watched. High levels of boredom, yes. A bottom tier episode, yes. But not the worst movie I’ve watched on this project. And yes, Rosalba Neri in those suits was worth 1 point all by herself.

Missing the Riffs: 1 of 5. Another of those “Never without the SOL” movies. Ok, maybe if I decide, for some reason, to watch all 5 Christopher Lee Fu Manchu movies, I could give it one more spin. But no more than that.

So who was the first Fu Manchu with a mustache? It was Warner Oland, the Swedish American actor best known as Charlie Chan. Only in America!

This is the first short I’ve gone after, and it is a downer. Honestly, when watching The Amazing Transparent Man, I usually skip this short. I have even told my wife we can skip over this short when our watch through gets to this experiment.

Now I appreciate safety. Safety keeps us, well, safe. But this is like the liturgical version of Scared Straight.

The priest looks almost depressed. And it sounds like he wrote his own script too.

In the first story, about Joe and his gal, they make it hard to like a selfish guy like Joe. It isn’t just the burden on his gal and his own struggles, he put two coworkers in danger.

And not a comforting word from the priest to any of these people when he comes across them. Nope, just their tragic stories and depressed looks. Like, couldn’t the priest try to get old George and his friend’s family together to talk things over? Isn’t that what priest do?

It seems, in the ‘gentle pressure’ bit, that Charlie’s co-worker really held that torch in Charlie’s eyes. Granted, I never handled a welding torch like railroad workers would handle. Maybe your natural reaction is to bring that torch up to face level and move it back and forth.

If I drank, I’d need one now.

Watchability: 0 of 5. Trust me, stay away for your own mental health.

Missing the Riffs: 0 of 5. I don’t want to watch it with the riffs. This is my least favorite thing they watched on MST3K.

The thoughts I have on Lou Reed or Metal Machine Music (hereafter MMM) are probably not original. They may even be wrong in every direction imaginable. But with Reed, there never seemed to be right or wrong, just is.

I wouldn’t say I was/am punk, but I love punk music. Or what at least passed for punk in the heartland of America. Sex Pistols, 999, The Slits, The Stooges and The Velvet Underground. But after a 3rd (maybe even 4th) generation copy of No New York found its way into my hands the chaos of noise became my sound refuge.

Metal Machine Music became the Holy Grail of noise. I’d read Lester Bangs’ famous review, declaring it the 2nd best album ever, just behind Kiss Alive! It was something people had heard about but never heard. The idea alone subject to ridicule. How, the question went, could anyone listen to that much noise? That much nothing? The most anyone would allow in MMM’s favor was that it was a joke, and unsubtle F**k You to the music industry. Or his fans. Or Andy Warhol. Or John Cale. Or John Cage. Or John Carson.

Everyone had a theory. Everyone had an opinion. And no one had ever heard a moment of the damn thing to back up these theories and opinions.

A couple years back, I was able to purchase a digital copy of the album. Theory and opinion would bow to the truth.

Some albums you wait for, like Chinese Democracy, only to realize the idea of the album is better than the actual disc. Metal Machine Music did not disappoint me. MMM was an audio and ethereal assault on my mind. The album is better than the idea.

There is no warm up. There is no easing into the sound—from the moment of play the feedback and distortion hit you. Instantly you react. You are given no choice. You hate it. You like it. This is not a disc that calls for maybe. This wants you to react at a primal level. Fight or Flight.

There is no wrong, there is no right, there just is. If you think it is just a ball of noise, then that is what you will hear. But if in that moment of primal reaction you go towards the noise, then something happens.

You find melody. You find patterns. The discordant nature of noise finds itself twisting into a pattern. You might even convince yourself you find themes and movements within the Parts and album as a whole. This cacophony is forced into something which can be described as a raw beauty.

It makes me question what is art? What is music? Is it all, like Andy said, what you can get away with?

And that is where I come back to this question: Does everyone have it wrong? I mean, both the people who love it and those who hate it? Are they both wrong? By dismissing it, either outright or after a ‘chance’, aren’t you missing out on possibly the greatest experiment in abstract art? And if you love it, aren’t you a fool for elevating noise to the level of art?

Are we all wrong?

All I know is sometime in 1975 Lou Reed recorded a double album called Metal Machine Music. He didn’t give us a blank canvas-he provided a fully covered one-and we still don’t know what we are looking at. Even if you love it, you don’t know what it is! Is it art? Is it crap? Is it even music? Is it even noise?