Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.

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On fun-sized advice

Sometimes I think you’re a product and consumer of the system as much as anyone is.
Of course I am. Just because I understand systems theory, that doesn’t mean I’ve transcended the system. I enjoy air conditioning, steak, and premium channels way too much to be any kind of counterculture drop-out.

At what point, if any, is it okay/right/appropriate/required to tell a new partner that you were raped a few years ago? Honest by nature, but also terrified of opening up.
It’s never required. It’s okay if you want to, and it’s okay if you don’t. Appropriateness depends on the context. It’s perfectly appropriate to tell your new partner in the natural course of growing intimate, but it might be inappropriate if you use it as some sort of relationship test. In your case, maybe wait until you’re not so terrified. A little anxiety is normal, but too much might mean it’s too soon to share.

Why do I absolutely hate the fact that my best friend stays friends with all of her exes? It makes my blood boil and I don’t know why.
If I had to guess, it’s probably a manifestation of your resentment over having to put up with her bullshit during the break-ups.

Please tell me you watch Mr. Robot.
I’m saving it for a binge.

Is it tacky for a man in his 30s to wear an apple watch?
Presently, yes. (It’s impossible not to look like an asshole while wearing a little blank screen on your wrist, so until the Apple Watch has “always on” capability that is both subtle and handsome, it’s pretty much a hot piece of garbage.)

Business is starting to boom. How do I know when it’s time to switch to a burner phone?
Too late. Have the burner in place *before* you start doing business, and never do business on a phone that’s in your own name. Now go start from scratch with two new numbers.

What is it about having babies that makes intelligent people suddenly start talking exclusively in clichés and platitudes?
They’re high on oxytocin and sleep deprived. Don’t worry. It usually wears off in a year or two.

My sister is friends with all her exes as well – two ex-husbands and a few boyfriends. It hasn’t occurred to me to be bothered by it, but if I were, I can think of a couple of possible reasons in addition to what Coquette said.

One, I might resent her because my breakups have been a lot rougher, with lots of hurt feelings and drama. And we couldn’t relate to each other or bond over those experiences.

Two, I might worry about what’s wrong with me that I haven’t been able to do it, because it’s obviously possible. Is she more mature than I am? Is she better at picking good partners who make good exes? Is she more likable? Just lucky?

Again, I don’t feel those things myself, but I can see how a lot of people might. It probably depends a lot on how close the friendship is.

I see you’ve never been to the Bible belt or anywhere east of Texas. It may stop after a year or two but once they’re in school (even kindergarten), it gets worse. I’m from and lived in Georgia(25 miles to TN border so I got a double dose of the crazy) and holy batman! There were graduation pictures from Pre-K, kindergarten,1st grade along with invitations to ‘the graduation of x’. FROM Pre-K!

I’d say it depends on the kind of friends you have and where you live (do people shame women for not being all mama bear and not being a stay at home mum). Yeah,we’re not all sane in rural Georgia.