I am finally at my new apartment after months of planning and saving. I don’t think any amount saved would’ve been enough for all the little things I had to buy since I was bringing nothing but my personal belongings. Restocking the pantry and getting appliances I used daily but never thought about have had me make almost-daily trips to Target; I know my IKEA like the back of my hand at this point. It’s exhausting and for now I’m fine with things being a little incomplete. There will always be things to buy.

I’m moving and it’s at that state where things get worse before they get better. The deeper in drawers I go the farther back in time I travel. I’ve run into so many knick-knacks from friends growing up, people who have been out of my life for over a decade, but I can’t seem to throw away because the memories attached to them still bring me warmth after all this time. A few months ago I started preparing for this move and now that I’m in the sticky part of deciding to throw things out or keep them I feel this stress hovering over me and disrupting my thinking.

Today I was reminded of cross-word puzzles and games my friends made for me so that I can be entertained during the one-way road trip from Los Angeles to South Florida, feedback from old college drawing and design projects, so many old photographs I’ve taken and developed, painfully embarrassing music, stuffed animals given to me throughout my life, notes folded into cute shapes, and old journals of mine. The journals are particularly hard to revisit. I’m at a point where I just automatically tear up whatever is written without reading and recycle the rest. Typical teenage angst along with some deep soul-searching. I don’t want to shit on the pages I earnestly wrote at 16 when I thought the world was ending. Sometimes I want to go back in time and give teenage-me a hug and a note that says “You’ll be mostly-OK eventually.”

Couldn’t start the new year without popping in here, especially since I managed to not post at all in 2016. It has been over a year since my last update. In that time I’ve asked myself why do I insist on keeping this blog when I can’t even manage to post regularly? I can’t put my finger on why I’m stubborn to move on. I have many memories tied to this blog and all the different versions it’s gone through.

I’ll always want a place to jot down my thoughts or keep track of large milestones but find that I prefer more private outlets. So much has happened to me since my last post but no evidence of it can be found online. This isn’t to brag: I’ve never been comfortable with displaying my failures and successes on social media. It feels like last year was one of major life events and growth. I came out a completely different person towards the end and learned a lot about myself.

Life was nothing but the gym for the first six months of 2016. Continuing from the momentum of December prior, I managed to get up to eleven workouts a week at my peak (no I’m not doing that anymore, that’s not sustainable). In that process I gained a new body and mindset. I lost the fear that kept me from trying new things my entire life because I conquered one of the biggest sources of anxiety: my weight and my fear of the gym. Continuing that momentum brought me back to figure skating.

I picked it up again after having quit the sport at age 13 and have found a lot of fulfillment. Just like in the gym, I like seeing my progress over time and I got better really fast (muscle memory is a beautiful thing).

Outside of that I have new people in my life who have taught me a lot about what it means to be a friend, a mentor, and a partner, how to have patience, how to be forgiving (especially to yourself), how to be resilient, how to welcome change, and how to love.

I’ve learned a lot about myself last year too. I learned how harsh I am to myself, how I never give myself a break and would rather overwork than sleep in. I also learned what it’s like to burnout. I learned that it’s OK to assert yourself and still be loved, that drawing boundaries is a good thing, and that it’s fine if something scares you but it’s not fine to let that fear stop you from going forward.

I grew up a lot in 2016. Knowing what I have ahead of me in the next twelve months makes me step forward with both fear and excitement. There’s so much I’m anxious to do but at the same time so much that I’m dreading. Sometimes what I dread and what I want are the same thing. Learning to embrace the gray instead of the black and white in my life terrifies me but it is also where I’ll grow the most.