I Run, Therefore I Am — Nuts! takes a funny look at the peculiarities, quirks, and obsessions of runners of all abilities. Whether you fall in the middle of the pack, up near the front of the pack, or so far from any semblance of a pack that you’re wondering if everyone went home already, you’ll find plenty to laugh about in this book.

I Run, Therefore I Am — Nuts! is a comical examination of events that are near and dear to every runner’s well-conditioned heart. As the Dave Barry of running, popular running humorist Bob Schwartz pokes fun at the idiosyncratic personalities of runners and the funny situations they encounter in training, eating, racing, preparing for races, and revolving their everyday lives around running.

I Run, Therefore I Am — Nuts! brings out the humor in situations that every type of runner can relate to:

The intricate art of drinking on the run from paper cups

Trying to reacquaint fingers to toes after years of tight hamstrings

Hitting the wall

Having your heart flutter with the newest cushioned training shoe

Discovering cross-training contraptions designed to strengthen your gluteus to its maximus

Getting excited about the latest flavor of energy gel on the market

As any runner with tight hamstrings and a funny bone would, you’ll laugh your way through these and many other amusing stories illustrated with cartoons by artist B.K. Taylor, whose drawings have appeared in many national publications, including Mad Magazine and National Lampoon.

Author Bob Schwartz is America’s funniest running writer. An avid, slightly over-the-top runner himself, he has completed countless marathons (but laments that excessive glycogen depletion at the finish prevents him from fully remembering each one) as well as all race distances from the 200 Meter Kids Snowman Shuffle (where he finished second after edging out a four-year-old at the finish line) to an ultra marathon of 50 miles (a feat he has no intention of repeating). In addition to his weekly syndicated newspaper column, he has had hundreds of humorous essays published in national and regional publications, including Runner’s World, FootNotes, and Fitness Runner.

For anyone who loves the aromatic smell of perspiration, who enjoys the exhilaration of exhaustion, who drinks solely from squirt bottles, or whose wardrobe is filled with reflective clothing — this book is for you.

About the Author

Bob Schwartz is a longtime freelance writer who specializes in running humor. He is well known to the mainstream running media. In addition to his weekly syndicated newspaper column, he has had hundreds of humorous essays published in national and regional publications, including Runner’s World, FootNotes, Fitness Runner, Michigan Runner, New York Runner, Washington Running Report, Tail Winds, Run Ohio, Oklahoma Runner, Inside Texas Running, and Arkansas Runner.

Schwartz has been an avid and slightly over-the-top runner for more than 20 years. He has completed countless marathons (but laments that excessive glycogen depletion at the finish prevents him from fully remembering each one) as well as all race distances from the 200 Meter Kids Snowman Shuffle (where he finished second after edging out a four-year-old at the finish line) to an ultra marathon of 50 miles (a feat he has no intention of repeating).

Schwartz lives in Huntington Woods, Michigan, with his wife, Robin, and three children. His favorite pastimes are running, laughing, and writing.

ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR

Once a creative consultant for Walt Disney Feature Animation, B.K. Taylor is now a well-known illustrator and writer. He has contributed comic strips to many publications including National Lampoon, Hot Dog, and Dynamite magazines; scholastic publications; and various joke books. He has also illustrated Sesame Street books and magazine.

Taylor’s work has been recognized with the Inkpot Award, the Gold Brick, seven Caddies, the Funny Bone Award, and the Ace Award.

Taylor lives in Franklin, Michigan, with his wife, Kathleen, and two daughters. His leisure activities include art collecting, traveling, and hiking.

Table of Contents

Part I Training: Avoiding the Fall From Pace and Belly Smacking Into the Lactic Acid Pool

Chapter 1 Rules to Run By (Heh, Heh, Heh)

Chapter 2 Just Call Me Gumby

Chapter 3 I’m Treadmill Man, Hear the Hum

Chapter 4 Around the Learning Curve

Chapter 5 Kenyan Water Aerobics

Part II Racing: The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Da Feet

Chapter 6 Runner Mutation

Chapter 7 Not So Scarlet Letters

Chapter 8 City of Lard, Here I Come

Chapter 9 Parade Charade

Chapter 10 Introduction to Ingurgitation

Chapter 11 Send in the Clowns

Chapter 12 Turkey Lemmings

Part III The Mind-Set of the Distance Runner: The Plentiful Peculiarities of the Perspiring Fanatic

Chapter 13 Trick or Feet

Chapter 14 A Streak Isn’t for the Meek

Chapter 15 Loony Ways of the Wayward Runner

Chapter 16 Mind of the Lost

Chapter 17 Shoe-Be-Do-Be-I-Did

Chapter 18 How Many Virtual Miles Do You Have?

Chapter 19 The Runner’s Better Half

Part IV The Runner’s Multiple Skills: Abilities Uncovered in the Unbearable Heaviness of Breathing

Chapter 20 Tegla Take Two

Chapter 21 Aggrandizement Amplified

Chapter 22 Get Your Groove Thing

Chapter 23 You Can’t Lose Me Now

Chapter 24 Exhilaration of Exhaustion

Part V Nutrition and Recovery: The Search for the Holy Snail and the Joy of C3—Couch, Chips, Clicker

Chapter 25 On My Way Back to Candyland

Chapter 26 It’s All in the Drool

Chapter 27 The Idle Truth

Chapter 28 The Missing Drink

Part VI The Marathon: Would We Be Doing Any of This if Pheidippides Had Been in Just a Little Better Shape?

Chapter 29 Marathon Madness

Chapter 30 From the Plains of Greece We Come

Chapter 31 Rookie Runner, Hear My Words

Chapter 32 The Answer Is Going to Be Yes

Chapter 33 Coach Rod and the Zone

Part VII Injuries: What Tunes Does the Iliotibial Band Play?

Chapter 34 The Endorphineless Runner’s Low

Chapter 35 Name That Ailment

Chapter 36 Run to Glory, or at Least the End of the Block

Part VIII Aging Gracefully: If I’d Known it Could Be So Fun, I’d Have Done It Sooner

Chapter 37 Lifetime Taper for a Masterous Peak

Chapter 38 Which Way Did It Go?

Part IX Competition and Effort: I’d Whoop My Grandma in Tiddlywinks!

Chapter 39 Battle in the Basement

Chapter 40 Nocturnal Decathlon

Chapter 41 Yo, Einstein! Recognize a Pattern Here?

Chapter 42 Running Matters

Chapter 43 Best Laid Plans

Part X Motivation: To Thine Own Sole Be True

Chapter 44 The Motivator in a Hat

Chapter 45 A Very Calculating Man

Chapter 46 Procrastinate Now

Chapter 47 Twin Theories of Running Resourcefulness

Words of Praise

"Every true runner will get a laugh out of this book. Schwartz does a good job pointing out the wonderful absurdities of our sport."Arturo BarriosFive-time world-record holder

"In this book, Bob Schwartz captures a unique spirit that every runner experiences regardless of fitness level. His perspective on running--a sport that can cause extreme moments of both glory and pain--is sharp, real, and very funny. Schwartz covers all the basics with a witty voice and a runner’s hard-earned experience."Lizzie WannEditor of Fitness Runner magazine

"What a delightful book. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I could relate to it through my own experiences. The reading is light and humorous, and it takes a completely different approach to running. Very refreshing."Colleen De ReuckProfessional runner

"There is wisdom behind the laughter! Bob Schwartz makes you smile as he reminds you that behind the science of running, there is a lot of laughs and luck! He encourages the runners with wit and revelations that years of running experience (and inexperience!) provide. I Run, Therefore I Am Nuts will reinforce every runner’s love of the sport, and pride in their accomplishments. It’s a fun read that I recommend to runners of all abilities."Susan KalishExecutive Director, The American Running Association

"Most runners take their sport seriously--sometimes too seriously. Bob Schwartz provides a refreshingly irreverent slant on a variety of topics to help keep a more balanced perspective. Take a run on the lighter side!"Jeff Galloway1972 Olympian, 10,000mAuthor of Galloway’s Book on Running

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