It’s by accident that you came in my life, I never planned it neither you do. It’s just by God’s will that we met, and all the things happened, I know it wasn’t a part of your schema or whatever foolishness I have once thought you’re drowning me into. I believe you are a good guy, a kind hearted person, you, just like any other, just like me sometimes, has just been overwhelmed by the moment and had been indulged into something pathetic, into something not decent enough to be kept reminiscing, I know you didn’t meant it, I know you didn’t.

I know you never wanted to play with my feelings, I know you never intended to give me false hopes, its just I anticipated too much, its just I expected way beyond what you can give, or at least.

Your only fault is that you’ve shown me a very insignificant affection, and the rest, it’s all mine. I tricked my own feelings, I trivialized my own acts, and without prior knowledge with the future consequences of the deeds I done, I went to a point where I have blamed you, cursed you even. And I know its all invalid. The miseries I have are only the resonance of what I’ve done.

Forgive me for blaming you all the pains I had, all the disappointments I reasoned you because. Forgive me for expecting more than the friendship I know, the most you can only give. Forgive me for the awkwardness we have now, the distance we have now.

I miss being friends with you, if only I can go back to those times where I am the one you’re calling at night. I am the one you’re getting advice to, I am the one your telling your plans to, I am the one who constantly making you laugh. How I wish, I can undo things.

I am finally, letting go of you, of your memory, and of all the things we had and lost. Some things just don’t last, unfortunately, ours doesn’t.

You can never really define love until someone will come and define it for you.

I’m not the type of person who’s always ‘pa-sweet’ and sorts whenever they are with the person they like. I would just be me, if he won’t notice me then so be it. But no matter how frigid and cold you are, there will always be that special someone who will turn you into the total reciprocal of who you used to be. And in my case, I’ve found that person.

Its feels so amazing realizing how gigantic the world is, with a billion numbers of strangers, and yet you’ve found that special apple among the mob, it’s magical.

That feeling when a simple smile is melting every single heart beat you have, when a mere stare is shaking the entire strength out you. That no matter how much you focus on the words he speak, you can’t just resist to be amazed by how special the person talking in front of you is, by how lucky you are that in a billion of people in the world, he chose you.

You can’t help but to daydream about the both of you growing old together with, looking back to all the heart aches, pains and letting go, you know everything had been paid-off way beyond enough.

Hay love, it can really make you or break you. You can never predict what will going to happen, who will going to come. And that I’ve learned that searching, chasing for everything isn’t really a good thing to do.

Wait, that’s what I did, patience, that’s what I’ve learned, the right guy, that’s who I’ve got. And now I’m happy, superbly happy. J

Monday, December 19, 2011

If you miss a grip of what’s keeping you still, you will fall for every pretenses people do. Not all emotions are significant, whereas feelings. Learn to be tough, because life’s a bitch, and so people are.

The rain’s kissing our skins fatally leading us to commit crimes we’re not supposed to commit.

Your eyes, they’re telling me stories of wonderlands and fairytales, the child within my heart is becoming naïve as she always does.

This cold shivers my knees, I’m becoming brittle and brittle.

Your smiles, they’re giving me vivid envisages of lovely summer memories I can hold on forever. Your voice’s giving my ears song of lullabies, keeping me awake and wandering at the same time. It’s really adorable how you speak. Go and tell me more of those beautiful places you’ve seen, amazing people you’ve met.

I search and search for a refuge I can hide my self into, a peculiar light had invited my eyes, I seek for it, I sought for it and so I witnessed its superfluous identity. Coldness had been out powered by invincible warmth, now I am relieved, or just I thought.

You must be kidding! I’ve also did those silly things when I was younger. Ha-ha, we’d be partners in crime then if we’d already met each other that time. Screw us. Ha-ha.

This is so much empathy, can I just see your face? Can I?

That was so much fun talking to you, but wait, something’s wrong, something’s not suppose to happen, don’t talk to me too much, stop making me smile, refrain from making me laugh to your jokes, I might love you. You don’t want it right, me neither.

My heart keeps on pounding so hard, I looked at you, you seem so calm and easy, how am I suppose to ride your this-is-no-big-deal thing when I’m all panicking inside? Your heart must be numb with ice and stone, whoever would be hurt, you don’t give a single fuck, if I will be, if she will be, or if you will be either, you don’t care. You don’t care.

You’re beautiful. Everything about you is so special. Hold me once and I’ll never free you. Go control everything in me, I am yours to exploit.

As I was in the midst of the motions of this and that, he touched my chin and slightly tilted my face, and to no avail, I was left just closing my eyes as the only option I have. As our faces got closer, I felt his breath warm and special, slowly flown to my veins, to my spine and to my heart. His lips touched mine. It was a kiss. We’ve kissed.

And I was frozen.

Wherever you will go, just go and take me there. I don’t care how long the journey will be, just take me with you, just please take me with you.

It’s like cold and warmth intertwined. It’s soothing, excruciatingly delightful, grotesquetically adorable. I’m running out of breath, I am grasping for air, but none of these made me refuse each and every friction I had with yours. Of how you’ve held me tight in your arms, of how you’ve filled each spaces between my fingers with yours, of how you’ve caressed my heart. I’ve fell for them, for those, for you. Tell me this will last, tell me where not playing fools. My heart would be drastically hurt if you say no.

In a matter of second, all the things including the peculiar light I’ve thought that’ll guide my path had been obscured by the darkness.

No words had been uttered but it was crystal clear that it was all part of his scheme. No feelings involved, no emotions attached, pure schema. I lose the game, I failed to guard the thing he degradedly destroyed.

He’s done with me, and he’s off living his life as if I’ve never existed. I was emotionally smothered. He’d consumed all the sanity in me, leaving me no pride to reap. I should’ve seen it beforehand. I should have.

All of a sudden, he’d vanished. All of a sudden, I was left alone. All of a sudden, it was all a dream.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

An hour of sleep felt good. Everything seems so peaceful and meek, the trees, the wind, the sun’s fading warmth, everything is in their halcyon, but not this piece of cardiac muscle residing beneath my ribs. Oh yeah, cliché. I know, not cool.

What am I going to post? My life’s one heck of a rollercoaster ride lately and I still can’t cope up. I hate this feeling I have right now. So uncertain.

I want to move on from something I’m not really permitted to stay. Should I stay or leave? It doesn’t really matter, no one will care.

I’m missing someone, like I want to see him every night, talk to him every single minute, go out to different places with him, discuss every ideals we have, plan, oppose and predict the future. And by the end of the day we will watch the sun set together, in each other’s arms, smiling, talking and calling ourselves ‘friends’.

Hehe yeah, friends. I’m okay with it, for in fact it’s the only relationship we could ever have, we could ever be. When he leave, I don’t have the right to chase after him, when he cry I don’t have the right to make him happy, when he bleed I don’t have the right to heal him, when his afraid I don’t have the right to hide him in my arms, when his worried I don’t have the right to assure him what lies ahead, when he’s sick I don’t have the right to take care of him, when his broken I don’t have right to fix him, and when everything in his life is falling apart, I don’t have the right to pick each single pieces for him.

The rain is blowing hard outside. It’s not a good night for walking and some of the stuffs I usually do. I’m alone in the house, with my laptop, I’m trying to be someone as poetic as the coldness of the breeze, but then, I can’t. My mind’s too lazy to be somehow productive, or at least ‘convincible’. It’s been a while since I’ve posted something on this blog, so just to signal that I still exist, here, try to comprehend with these ramble thoughts me myself don’t even understand.

Oh rain, please be good. Can you please catalyze your amount and fall dramatically just like on the Hollywood movies, we’ve used to watch together? I need an inspiration. I really do, so rain, if you will not cooperate, all of this crap I have made, I will blame it onto you. Bleeh.

(-.-)

Oh yeah, an hour have already passed, and the rain, still as frolic as a clumsy child. I better end this thing now. By the way I made it to the dean’s list. Um, just nothing. Hehe.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I had never felt this free and convicted put together. It was never my plan to be that girl I know I never am. Life’s a gigantic ocean of lie and truth, but I went blind and numb to take a step without knowing how deep and cold the water would be. By the moment I find myself drowning, I closed my eyes and strongly hold each and every breath left, I take a step back, I went clueless of what pushed me to have a grasp of something I’m not even sure of, now there is nothing left but remorse and guilt. Death is only seconds away, now its too late to regret.

It started as sweet as the kiss of the morning breeze, pure and naïve. To let it just go has never been an option to me, for I make sure my walls are strong enough to not be brittle for any pretenses. That’s what I thought.

Nights went so gorgeous than most of the nights ive seen, I started believing that this feeling’s just beautiful, by nature beautiful, and there’s nothing to be worried about. That’s what I thought.

How a complete stranger became someone I started sharing my thoughts about many many things with? How I became careless of the things I said, emotions I showed and feelings I shared that im starting to forget my defenses. I gave myself a scrutinizing stare and told it to make sure things wont mess, I felt secured that I can still pause for a minute and put things to where they should be. But again, that’s what I thought.

Normal. That’s what I thought things are. But when I become even closer to him, closer than mere stares and skins fritting, I started to be afraid, be very afraid.

Its just a kiss. But whenever I reminisced that ‘kiss’, his smell, his heat, his hands intertwined with mine, how the moon is glaring with our souls, the humid brought by the sea, the coldness of the wind and the strong pounds of my heart, its not just a kiss. Its more than anything I,ve ever tasted. Way overwhelming than that of with someone I am really attached to. I mean legally attached to.

We both went stupid. The both of us are undeniably committed, he’s already married and I have a boyfriend of two years now. How dumb and truce I became!

Now I don’t know how to act like nothing really happened, pretend that nothing really mattered. I would be a great liar if I would say that I didn’t mean anything about it, for in fact, I like every single thing we did, that I can’t help but to replay them in my mind every single night.

Love. It’s what I feel, yes, it’s what I really feel. But I don’t have any right to have that feeling for him, for in any possible angle, we can’t really be, never will be.

I guess this feeling will vanish too, I know it would be so hard, but letting go is just the right thing to do. It would take weeks, months, and maybe years, but I know I’ll be over him too. I’ll be over him too.

Its just a kiss. I loved him once, and for me, that would always be enough.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Actually, this is supposedly a post last October 28 pero wala lang akong net nun so ngayon na lang, hihi.

Happy happy birthday Papa ! I love you so much, everyday and for infinity. No words can best describe how thankful and blessed i am to be your child. Palage lang akong andito para alagaan ka. I wish the best in life, good health and more faith to God. Pagnagkatrabaho na ako ililibot ko kayo ni mama sa buong mundo. Haha. I love you so much Pa, Happy birthday :)

His absence lingers in my every vein, excruciatingly kills each second of momentum. I never had imagined that i will be this head over heels with love, with him. My plan of just letting things to go hand in hand with fate, unaware, had surfaced into a chapter of my tale rather than a pure schema. I'm dying with guilt, guilt is killing me, I owe a lot from guilt, and guilt itself now turn into an enigma I'll never wish for him to witness.

He's all i wanted in my life, more than any other things i thought i like the most. Every inch of him, every bit of his existence, every detail of his physic is an addiction to me, stronger than the heroine of those who are sick by health and sick by soul. I'm craving for a single taste, for a single tranquility. I love him to death, to reincarnation, perpetually I'll suffer, no remorse I will make.

Between his smile and tears I want to fall asleep, between his heart and manhood I want to suffer and die. I opt no ears to hear me, no hands to reach for mine, no help to rescue me -- im happily trapped and used, resoundingly loved and valued. As I wake up to fall asleep, as I breath to be killed then, no shattered dignity nor exploited flesh will be inculcated with my doom. I'm happy. Overwhelmingly satisfied.

I'm a child lost in a dream, and his body is my wonderland. He let me then play, let me then seek happiness. As you goes by with this not so vivid article, I protest if you conclude that I'm martyr and insane. I'm no martyr for I'm a slave ( its the way it should be ) , I'm no insane for I'm mentally vindicated. if you would not believe still then so be it. I'm in cloud 9 brought by his affection and you cant blame me for that.

This narcolepsy is getting deeper and deeper, worse and worse, magical than ever. I cant associate no word but BEAUTIFUL. Lost by his stare, lost by his weight over me, im running for my breath, as I close my eyes and dream, I achieve of sanctuary, of bloody soul and innocence. I grab for a blanket to cover my impurities, and as I open my eyes, face the reality and tilt my head up, he wiped away my tears, kiss my fears off of me, took away my blanket and cover me with his heat and his wholeness now exclusively mine.

" I love you . "

He whispered in my ears, as we sleep through the night, with the moon and the stars as our only witnesses ..

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I am not the most lovable person in the planet but when I love, I give my all. People misunderstood me for not being serious on any relationship that I embrace, and I can’t blame them for that, that’s my defense mechanism. Most often than not, I am showing the robust side of me so that I can protect something soft on the inside.

I show how I feel through the things and way I know simple but sincere. I am not a fan of gifts, chocolates, roses and some of those clichés, for I firmly believe that love is more than those fancy-fancy things. So when it comes to receiving some things, I’d rather receive a letter.

The longest relationship I’ve been is 2 years, and yes we’re counting still. We’ve just celebrated our 2nd anniversary last Oct. 25th and, yeah, um, things start to go sour. He’s always busy, and I understand him though. He is a good and a diligent man and I commend him for that. He’s always about his family and that thing about him really impresses me the most, but, I think he’s starting to be over occupied by that thinking that he’s starting to forget that he’s growing old, that he starting to forget me, he’s starting to forget us.

He’s very much different unlike any other guys. He would go malling simply wearing a shirt, his jersey shorts and a pair of slippers. He also care less about how he look, how his hair look, he could even spend the rest of the day without putting stuffs on his face in which some guys of his age wouldn’t be so cool about. He is very simple, way simpler than a piece of a blank paper.

When we’re together, he would constantly kiss me in the hands, in my cheek, in my forehead, in my shoulder, in my neck etc, and would tell me words of love almost every 3 minutes. He’s sweet in his own ways without forgetting to be gentleman still.

He would tell me to stop smoking, stop drinking and he even contradict me of my plan of getting a tattoo. ‘Paano kapag nangailangan ng dugo yung anak naten e di hindi na pwede yung sayo? Pagkulang yung akin e paano na.’ He would tell me that every time I open the topic about me getting a tattoo and he never fails to make me think twice no more of him being the person I will be spending forever with. I’ve never been this appreciated and secured like when I’m with him, in my entire life. I am the eldest child prior for me to have all the obligations, expectations and responsibilities, but when I’m with him, I feel so relieved and free from all the fears.

So what’s the problem now?

He’s changing. He wouldn’t even text me for weeks, and one time he forgot to greet me on our monthsary with his reason that he slept the whole day. Who do you think your fooling huh, slept for two consecutive days? Common, tsk !

He is the second boyfriend I had, and if our relationship didn’t work well, imgoing to make sure that the third one will be the last.

Which is worse, failing or never trying? both. having nothing by the end of the day does hurt in either way.

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? because that's how life is designed to be. we aren't born with a suitcase full of papers testifying reasons of how and whys. because if we do, just imagine how boring life will be.

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? maybe. depends.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? its perception about many many things, religion, social status. etc.

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?loving.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?sometimes both. Life is a balance of lie and truth.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? by living my life like it would be the last, hehe cliche.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? uh, pass.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? doing the right things. people will always say something to you, and that's what i worry most.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? do the right thing, defend my friend and tell them how good she really is. and also not to judge people. this might put me and my relationship to them at risk but at least i stand for what is right.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? trust god.

Would you break the law to save a loved one? yes. because what matter by the end of the day is still, God's Law.

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? hm.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Stare at people whom i find pitiful and pray for them just inside my head.

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? because we are all different, genuinely different.

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?show the people i love that i really care for them. uh, i dont know what's holding me back. maybe the fear that they would reciprocate the feeling? uh dont know.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes, i do.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? im happy here.

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? uh no. im the kind of person who would not waste my energy to things i know not really worth wasting to. and also, im the most patient person you could ever know.

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? both.

Why are you, you? because im not anyone else.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? yep.

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? the latter.

What are you most grateful for? my family, my life, my friends and the lessons god let me know everyday.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? neither.

Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? in some circumstances, maybe.

Has your greatest fear ever come true? no. hope wont.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? not anymore

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? um, my very 1st birthday i guess.

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? during my high school days.

If not now, then when? uhuh.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? --

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? oh yeah. hihi <3

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? maybe because of the many differences and the million reasons behind it.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? yes. God equipped us with the ability to comprehend, and besides, we have the so called 'conscience'.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? no.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? depends on my mood.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? hell yeah.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? i do that everyday. believe it or not.

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? none.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? no, never.

What is the difference between being alive and truly living? being alive is being able to breath, to eat, to walk, to run and to do stuffs, but being truly alive is living for something you know worth dying for.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? everyday. life's too short to play safe.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? its not having such mistakes that holding us back, but to stereotypes who always say something even without knowing the real story behind.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? dread and color my hair, get a tattoo, enroll for a theater arts course.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? geez.

What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? pass.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? depends.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? this is my life. they have theirs and i have mine, do you suppose i will let others live my life for me? no.