Are You Burned Out?

I don't know about you, but sometimes I just feel so . . . fried. I'm not talking about end-of-the-day fried, either. I'm talking about butt-crack-of-dawn fried. Too-bummed-to-shave-well fried. I'm even too fried to talk about how fried I am. And I'm just too fried to care. That's how fried I can be.

As a temporary state, that's one thing. When it becomes chronic, that's burnout. You don't want to go there. And I'm close, brothers. I'm close. I blame myself for letting the situation go this far. I should have seen the signs and headed myself off at the pass, but I didn't. Now I'm almost too far gone. And the peril is real. Because there's only so long the Man tolerates somebody in my condition. It's a short step from being fried to being cooked. I've seen it happen before, to my first boss. I'll call her Martha. Martha would show up at meetings and sit at the end of the table; she'd look at the executives who were her bosses and radiate a hot, clear, shimmering aura of contempt. At the end of a meeting, the President would say, "Well, thanks, everybody. Gil, could you stick around for a few minutes?" And Martha would depart with her customary sneer, and the Boss would give us our marching orders, through me. After 6 months of this, Martha was gone. And I wasn't.

Nobody wants to work with a burned-out stump, so I have to do something about it. I figure the key to success here is simple: Change. Whatever we're doing, we have to do something different. So heads up! Be aware of these signs and heed them before it's too late.

BURNOUT SIGN 1

You're not afraid when the Boss callsEvery time the big guy calls, a little squirt of adrenaline should course through your blood. Okay, maybe it's not fear. Maybe it's the little jolt you get when you see a police cruiser in your mirror with its siren on and lights flashing, even if you're going 55. If you don't get that "whoa" moment when he calls, you've lost a step. You're feeling the burnout instead of the burn.

Solution: Manage your managers.You can do this two ways. First, huddle with the guy. Tell him you need new vistas. Tell him you want to be challenged. Maybe he needs a kick in the ass. Make him use you better. Manage him. Bosses need to be managed by their subordinates; that's just a fact of life, and people who understand that weird twist do far better than those who think power is a one-way transaction. Things become more interesting when you're the one telling the captain which way to steer the ship. Second, there are probably a lot of people who could make your life more interesting with a little work. Go find new challenges in your company to stay happy. Your boss will like it because it broadens his power base, and you can't burn out if you're happily on the move.

BURNOUT SIGN 2

You're a grouch, and everybody is starting to hate youLook at that ill-tempered jerk who's always yelling and whining and pounding somebody smaller: You may find you're not just looking at a jackass. You're looking at a person who is bored and tired and seriously not thrilled about being there. If that person is you, stop it. Don't you realize people hate you? I hate you and I don't even know you. Your mother probably hates you.

Solution: Fake it.That's right. Work from the outside in. Being a phony is a lot better than being a boor. Start by being polite to little people. If you are a little person, start by being polite to the guy who gives you your coffee. Say please. Say thank you. Ask people how they're doing. "How are you doing, Edna?" is a good way to start. See how easy it is? People will look at you weirdly at first. They're used to you being a hateful, hairy mole on the face of their daily lives. But after a while, they'll think maybe they misjudged you. They'll start to do surprising things, like talk to you. And surprising things are the antidote to the condition we're in.

BURNOUT SIGN 3

You look awfulFirst of all, you're a blob. You could also trim off the little sprig of hair that's been hanging around on the top of your ear since Labor Day. Look at a burnout and you will see an overall decay in personal grooming. I think it has something to do with finding it difficult to look in the mirror. There's one guy in my office who now shaves only half his face. The right side, I think. Plus, your clothes! They're the same clothes you were wearing last week, last year, last decade, and in some cases, last century.

Solution: Love yourself.This involves four separate efforts: (1) Eat right. Don't deny yourself the occasional splurge. Lasagna, fried chicken, onion rings, martinis, manhattans, pigs in a blanket. Taking time out to savor your favorites can help boost your mood. (2) Hit the gym. Sedentary people burn out faster. Exercise tamps down stress and energizes you, and both are key to eradicating burnout. (3) Buy some new clothes. Every gig has its own spectrum of what is permissible in terms of wardrobe. Once you fully comprehend that range, you will find quite a bit of freedom. Several years ago, for example, everybody wore suspenders, usually solid. One day, I bought a pair in paisley. Lord, did people make fun of me! It was very nice, and a total antidote to the sameness of everyday conformity. (4) Shave your head. Or grow a mustache. Or a soul patch. Do whatever is the opposite of what you've been doing. Women change their hair all the time. Men have to be able to present a slightly different head to people when the spirit moves us.

BURNOUT SIGN 4

You find it hard to leave your deskYou get in at 9. You sit there all day, tinker with your computer, doing e-mail. You have lunch there. In the afternoon, if you have a door, you close it and put your head down for a while. Then you play some games on your PC. Look at a little porn. All the while your spirit is shriveling up in your chest. Wake up!

Solution: Take a business trip.Hit the road.

There are hotels out there with bars and spas and golf courses, and you can have pointless meetings and carry the corporate flag and meet new people and just enjoy a change of venue. If you have any status at all in your company, you can fly business class, which gives you hot nuts. Woo-hoo! If you have no power and no recourse to travel, tell your manager you want to broaden your horizons by taking a course at a local place that teaches something your boss might value. Become a better writer and meet pretty women. Learn how to run a spreadsheet and meet moderately pretty women. Like that.

BURNOUT SIGN 5

You've stopped flirting with Betty, your boss's assistantOr any assistant. Or anybody. In fact, you feel about as sexy as a sensible business shoe.

Solution: Kickstart the machine.You could always try getting laid more. And if this solution doesn't immediately appeal to your current partner, perhaps it's not your job that's getting old, pal. Even if your home is humming, though, you still want to have a little positive charge at the office. Try this: Go to the interns' area. Look at the 22-year-old gals. Say hello and ask them how things are going. Just feel those positive ions oozing up between your toes. Now go back to your office and get cracking! It's amazing how much energy you have all of a sudden, huh? Now go upstairs and flirt with Betty! She's Bob's right hand!

BURNOUT SIGN 6

You find yourself surprised by stuff you should know aboutThis is a terminal sign of career rot. Several times in the past few weeks, my boss has said something like, "Hey, did you see that article about us in Fortune?" or "What's your take on the Nofziger situation?" and I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. I'm a pretty good faker, but those are things I really should have seen or had an opinion about. And I didn't.

Solution: Delegate.I now have a guy assigned to know everything I should know about on any given day and to tell me about it as the day goes along. If I don't know something, it's now his fault and I can yell at him. Beyond that, I don't know. In fact, I'm pretty burned out on this whole burnout thing. I think I'll get back to work and stop feeling sorry for myself. Why don't you do the same?

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