It Was The Worst of Times

It was the worst of times. If you feel like you’re in a strong enough place, write about your worst day, ever. What made it so horrible? How did it change you for the better? For worse? How have the events of that day changed or influenced your perspective?

Anyone that reads my blog regularly has seen me talk about this. I wanted to write about it again because someone may be in a similar situation and need to see that they aren’t alone.

It was the beginning of November 2007. My husband returned from deployment and he wasn’t quite himself. He seemed different and I couldn’t quite figure out what was wrong. I didn’t want to push because I didn’t know what he had gone through on the deployment. However, I wanted to know what the problem was. So I decided to do something, that I should regret doing, but don’t. I hacked his computer. This hack gave me all of his passwords and what I found next completely devastated me.

My husband was cheating on me.

Apparently while he was on his deployment, he met a woman. She was an Airman stationed in Texas but deployed as well. From the emails that I came across they started being friendly in May and that friendship evolved into something more. This went on until she came back to the states in October. But the relationship didn’t end there.

Imagine how I felt when I read that she loved him… and he loved her back.

I confronted him, and he seemed more hurt by the fact that I snooped on him that the fact that I caught him cheating. When I felt like he was handing me a bunch of bull, I called her. She told me everything I wanted to know and so much that I didn’t. She believed him and insisted that I was crazy and we were divorced. So I offered her my MILs phone number for verification. She finally got it. She was being lied to as well. She stopped talking to him, at my request, but it wouldn’t last long. He would go back to emailing her and she would always reply. It was late February early March 2008 before I would finally have her out of our lives.

He hurt me more than anyone in my life ever had. I can’t describe the pain I was in. The nightmares this experience gave me. I can’t put into words what I was going through mentally. Not knowing if I could ever trust him again and what that meant for us. I loved this man, he betrayed me… what do you do with that?

We went to marriage counseling, but he told the therapist that he didn’t have a problem I did. So I never went back.

We argued and fought. I tried to put him out, he would guilt me into letting him stay. Then we got orders. So then it became do I go with him or do I stay behind. As hurt and miserable as I was, it wasn’t about me anymore. We had a son. Growing up I didn’t have a family. I felt like even if I could barely stomach to look at my husband, that didn’t mean my son didn’t deserve the love of both of his parents. So I PCSd to Colorado with him.

I don’t remember what happened. But eventually my husband started to see the pain he had caused me. Pain that he said he could see in my eyes every day. He finally began to feel some guilt. Enough to make him go to counseling on his own. It helped. Immensely. We wouldn’t be here right now had he not gone.

He was still going to therapy when I made the decision to go back to school. However, he was still keeping secrets and sneaking around. I saw school as a way for me to regain control over my life. It meant that I would have a marketable skill to fall back on if I needed to leave. I would never have to be dependent on him again.

Here I am now, almost 7 years after the worst day of my life. I am still standing. This experience tore me down to my foundation and with a little help from a therapist, I am rebuilt. Stronger and better than ever. My relationship with my husband isn’t perfect, but God knows it’s better than it was before. We have gone through a lot, all of us. But we are still standing. We are still a family, and I think that says a lot, considering.

Honestly… I don’t know. I think I was on autopilot for a while. When we got orders, I decided to stick it out for my son. I’d do anything for him. I didn’t have a real family growing up. I didn’t know love until I met my husband. I wanted my son to have a family, know love, be normal. I wanted him to have everything I never had. Be everything I never would be. Even if that meant I had to be miserable for a while.

My worst day ever was July 3, 3 years ago. We went to a carnival. We all got separated. My older son was jumped, beaten, tooth knocked out, and dragged behind a car. It is 3 years later. He has a new tooth after multiple surgeries and bone grafts and implant. The scars on his arms, shins, and abrasions on his toes (he was wearing shorts & flip flops when dragged) are gone. But there was no closure for him. He developed severe PTSD and all the associated stuff that goes with it. We went to counseling, got meds, etc. 3 years later he is better, whole, and like you, still standing. It was the worst day of my life and his, too. I love my family so much. Whenever I remember seeing him in that much pain it hurts my stomach and I start to cry. I kept saying, I wish it had been me instead of him. Love, Maggie

he was 19 when it happened. he has recently discontinued counseling (I think he should continue) but he is dealing with things well. he is also off the meds for depression. thank you for asking. (((Hugs)))

That’s great. I felt my greatest accomplishment was the day I didn’t feel like I NEEDED my therapist anymore. Maybe that is also how he feels. Im sure they gave him the tools that he needs to survive. Have faith. I’m sure he will be fine.

Everyone makes mistakes but to repair them with dignity is what it takes…it is very nice to hear that your husband took counselling and both of you are together, gave your marriage a second chance…respect!

I have written about it before. Each time it gets easier. I can only hope that it can help someone else. Women just don’t talk about these things. We shouldn’t have to carry the shame when we do nothing wrong. Thank you for your comment.

I thank you for sharing this story. I love that you include the effects of the fallout on your son as reason enough to confront; dig in and work, instead of retreating. I have seen parents in similar situations simply not realize that their caustic relationship to one another is NOT their children’s relationship. If the breakup must happen, make the time to open the lines of communication with your children. I think it can and often does go a long way! Again, thank you.

I am the last person to say that I am the best parent. I have made a lot of mistakes. I do not feel like moving to Colorado to keep my family together was one of those mistakes. It was a hard one to make, and for a while a hard one to live with. But it was worth it for the sake of my son. I’d do anything for him. In the end, it benefitted us all. Thanks for your kind words :).

You are most welcomed! Your word struck a chord in me because the dynamic use to exist in my family. If I had to choose one ‘word of power’, related to those we love most, that word would have to be Communicate. I have no doubt you, your husband, and your son will all continue to grow and find your way to clearer communication because of what you dared to do in the beginning… stand up for what you love.

I commend your resolve and integrity for staying after that ordeal. Your son has a great mom. May I ask – how have you dealt with your emotional security in regards to your husband? Has your relationship changed for the better? I hope the answers are positive because I can see this sort of situation as a continual work in progress. I wish you happiness and luck on your endeavors!

I still am aware of the fact that he cheated, some days more than others. So how secure I feel emotionally changes with the day. However, I have forgiven him. I have not forgotten, just forgiven. Some people believe the two are the same, they are not. Forgiving means I’ve let it go, mostly, and I don’t throw it at him like a spear when he pisses me off. Not forgetting keeps me on my toes.

I believe our relationship has changed for the better. We have grown from this experience. I think, oddly enough, this experience forced him to grow up. Well a little anyway lol. We are getting along, we still argue, but it isn’t like it once was. Things are pretty good. It’s always a work in progress. You have setbacks but you never stop moving forward. Thanks for your comment!

That’s wonderful to hear! I agree with you…forgiveness and forgetting are not the same. I am glad you’ve forgiven him because that allows you to have some piece of mind. I wrote an article on my own blog, La Vida Dolce, about forgiveness/forgetting that I think might be helpful for you – check it out if you have a chance. Continue moving forward – that’s the best you can do! 🙂

I at one point got past something like this also. Only we had no children involved and we weren’t married. Thing that bothered me the most was that it was an open communication relationship. I didn’t have to hack the computer “I could have” because no passwords. I started to question things because they changed. Either way I understand the feeling of finding something out that you REALLY HOPED wasn’t going to be on the table. Having suspension of things like that is one thing but actually finding proof of it …SUCKS.. Now if I think about what you did I could have never EVER done it. For that I admire you! It takes a very specific sort of heart to say “This is worth my time and effort to fix”. You basically chose to be miserable in hopes that things would get better and I have to say I couldn’t do that. However the way you dealt with it I must say is pretty smart. Going back to School and building yourself up “personally” is probably the best thing you could have done. I am sure your accomplishments must have helped you get past that. This is truly a great story and what I will personally walk away with it with is the ability to believe in something.. not just say you do..but to truely say .. this can get better..

Yes, finding the one thing you didn’t want to find does suck. People always say oh if someone cheats on me I’m out of there. But honestly, you don’t know what you will do, what you can handle, until it happens. Even when the days were darkest I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It kept me going. (That and my therapist lol) I’m glad I didn’t just walk away. Thanks for your comment! 🙂

Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
Somehow any comment from a man seems inappropriate after a post like this but… you know me. So I’ll just say you are a lot stronger than I am. I have an open and shut policy with life, but the world needs people with gentler hearts. So good to see you have one. Wishing you a better day, -OM
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