Freelance Writer

The 60th Annual Michigan Antiquarian Book Show: Phony Bill Nye and Other Heartbreakers

Here’s a whole mess of book show pictures that cannot be categorized, or that I am simply too lazy to categorize. (It’s more the second one than the first one.)

“Bill Nye’s History of the United States?” you shout. “Oh boy! I hope it will include spoofs of recent pop songs that present hard facts in an entertaining format!”

I’m sorry, my friend, but you’ve got the wrong idea.

Why must the world hurt us this way?

Speaking of game-changing qualifiers, try this one on for size. Here’s an erotic paperback called Immortalia.

I wish my boobs could do that.

That man selling it assured me that it was “genuinely raunchy,” but I had my doubts. If you’ve seen one vintage erotic novel, you’ve seen ’em all, and none of them contain half as much sex as their covers seem to promise.

Then I saw this:

This isn’t just an adult novel–it’s an ADULT adult novel. That, my friends, is a sexy horse of a different sexy cover. I meant to buy Immortalia on the strength of that endorsement alone, but alas, I ran out of money. Perhaps, if the gods be merciful, I’ll find another copy someday.

Here, for lack of a more apt description, are a bunch of old books. They looked similar to the books I used to shelve at the medical library, which were published during the final quarter of the 19th century. So, old–but not OLD old.

Because I’d handled books of a comparable age before (or so I thought), I took no special care with these. That is, until I opened one and saw this:

Wracked with full-body shivers, I replaced the book and power-walked away.

Who the hell let me hold such precious tomes? I’m impulsive as sh*t! For all any of us–including myself–knew, I was ten seconds away from juggling the damn things while jumping in and out of a flaming hula hoop. It was one hell of a near-miss.

It’s late, and I have to get to bed. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t include one last photo:

Having thoroughly enjoyed his homecoming, that cat-faced, genie-pantsed Prince of the Skies is out to secure his legacy. Probably by having children. That’s how most people secure their legacy, right? I’m not sure where the gun and yellow lasers would come into play, but then, I’m not up on space-cat mating rituals.