Monday, October 8, 2012

Special to
TPN — Rep. Todd Akin (R–MO) is building a new summer home atop Taum Sauk
Mountain, the highest point in Missouri. Rep. Akin is known famously as the one
who clarified the difference between “rape” and “legitimate rape.” To his
credit, he also wants to eliminate Social Security, Medicare, and lipstick, the
“devil’s paint,” according to Akin.

Modeled
after Adolph Hitler’s residence in the Bavarian Alps, Berghof West will be
heavily fortified to lessen the risk of invasion by progressives and other fringe
groups. A particular threat is Liam Breton, erstwhile candidate for president,
who attempted to incite a national rebellion earlier this year (see http://www.thespoof.com/news/us/101588/new-luddite-party-wants-to-sew-it-up).

Albert
Speer, Jr., son of Hitler’s architect and a respected draftsman in his own
right, is the lead architect for Berghof West. “There will be no reminders of
the good old days,” said Speer. “However, Todd feels that a
razor-wire-topped-electrified fence would be appropriate, although he doesn’t
want his German shepherd Blondi to be harmed. We might have to opt for guard
towers. I saw some nice ones when I was a child.”

Adolph and friends at Berghof

When asked
how he received permission to build on state park land, Akin said, “As a U.S.
senator, I can do any damn thing I want.” He went on to remind reporters that
he can “say anything I want, too. My record’s impeccable on that score. Next
week I’m going to clarify the difference between ‘pedophilia’ and ‘legitimate
pedophilia.’”

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Special to
TNP — At his daily news conference, Reince Priebus, chairman
of the Republican National Committee (RNC),
claimed that “a new version of Dante’s Inferno is
necessary to ensure the long-term health of the country. In fact, I anticipate
that it will form the basis of a 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, that
sacred document which was modified so eloquently by the Citizens
United case, humanizing corporations. If only I could clone Antonin Scalia and get
rid of Ruth Ginsberg,
that left-wing troublemaker on the Supreme Court.” (Ed. note: Inferno is the first part of Dante
Alighieri's 14th-century epic poem Divine Comedy. It
describes Hell as comprised of nine circles for different categories of
sinners.)

Rep. Todd Akin (R–MO), the author of the
initiative, is famous for the term “legitimate
rape” and for telling uninsured cancer victims that “selling
their car” would allow them to buy coverage. Priebus provided an outline of
Akin’s proposal for the assembled press corps. The format retains the original sinner
categories but adds to the punishments:

First Circle
(Limbo) for virtuous non-Christians. The punishment is in not being able to
rise up to Heaven, the best deal in the Nine Circles. It even has a Happy Hour
hosted by Socrates, Einstein, and other notables. To this non-punishment, Akin
has added videos of a Michelle
Bachmann Fox News interview, thus transforming it into real punishment.

Second
Circle (Lust) for those who overdose on pornography and Viagra.
Quite appropriately, these sinners are blown about by violent winds. Cleopatra
is the most famous celebrity being blown, but Bill Clinton can be seen in the distance.
The additional punishment has Dick
Cheney targeting the fly-bys with his highly inaccurate 10-guage shotgun.

Third Circle
(Gluttony) for those who fail Weight
Watchers or buy Oreos in
bulk. Gluttons spend eternity lying in slushy poop, which has been favorably
compared to the sewage outflow from the MGM
Grand in Las Vegas. Here can be found Nero and Marlon Brando, among others.
Akins has added a recording of Roseanne
Barr screaming, “You’re too goddam fat. You’re too goddam fat . . . ,” ad infinitum.

Fourth
Circle (Greed) for avaricious clergy and misers like Ebenezer Scrooge. This happy group competes in a never-ending
contest involving pushing enormous weights against each other. A popular
resident is Pope
Leo X who is often pitted against recently deceased securities traders from
Goldman Sachs. The new punishment has everyone in this group wearing smiley Bill
Gates masks, with the constant drone of “Beast of Burden,” chanted
by Mick Jagger, in the background.

Fifth Circle
(Anger) for those, for example, who give the “bird” to senior citizens at
stoplights. Depending on the degree of anger, sinners battle each other either
above or below the surface of a dark marsh. Weapons include brass knuckles and lead
fly swatters. From their skiff, various fallen angels accompanied by Cruella De Vil beat down
sinners with their oars. Akin has placed Ayn
Rand at the helm, who recites passages from her book, Atlas Shrugged.

Sixth Circle
(Heresy) for those who do not take the Bible literally, in other words,
non-Baptists. Heretics are placed in fiery tombs and subsist on cayenne-flavored
napalm spread on burnt toast. The most famous heretics, Martin Luther and Liam
Breton, are seen basting the tombs with hot tar. As added punishment, Akin
has the image of Tim Tebow at prayer projected onto the sulfurous clouds, while
the Grateful Dead sing “Hell in a Bucket.”

Seventh
Circle (Violence) for those who think Hannibal Lecter is a kindred spirit. This
is the most picturesque circle, where sinners are either boiled in blood, fed
to Harpies, or left in a flaming desert with fiery flakes raining down. Adolph
Hitler and Joseph Stalin are seen dancing to another Grateful Dead tune, “Friend of
the Devil.” In future, Akins plans on having Madonna sing in a burned and wrinkled leather
bikini that matches her burned and wrinkled skin.

Eighth
Circle (Fraud) for used-car salesmen in particular, but also for those who sell
holistic medical cures. Punishments include being boiled in pitch, biting
snakes, and Akin’s favorite, whipping by demons. Noted fraudsters Jack Abramoff and Amway
Chairman, Steve
Van Andel, are seen selling condos in Heaven and snakebite remedies,
respectively, to suffering sinners. Akin is in the process of developing clones
of Fox News’ Ann Coulter to be
scattered around the circle, wagging their fingers in derision.

Ninth Circle
(Treachery) for those who enjoy both back-stabbing and front-stabbing. Famous
back-stabbers include Senator Joseph
Lieberman (I–RI), who left the Democratic Party and endorsed John McCain (R–AZ) for
president in 2008 (still living, Lieberman has been placed on the waiting list).
The most famous front-stabber, of course, is Marcus Junius Brutus, who
assassinated Julius Caesar in 44 BC and is on loan from Satan. Akin plans on
having wax images of himself, dressed in attire reminiscent of Moses, holding
stone tablets that are inscribed with the Ten Commandments, placed at strategic
locations around this circle. Like the center of Hell, this circle is kept at
absolute zero (−459.67° F), which will allow the wax likenesses to survive
throughout eternity.

At the very
center of Hell, condemned for committing the ultimate sin, personal treachery
against God, rests Satan, encased in ice. On special occasions, Satan is
released from the ice and allowed to visit South Park, a small town in
Colorado.