Archive for the ‘Newsish Fakery’ Category

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – Activists rallied at the National Mall today to voice their concerns about the growing danger of vehicles in the hands of crazed drivers, particularly high capacity vehicles.

“I demand all high capacity cars be outlawed!” shouted Daniel Smith, an organizer for the vehicle control advocacy group Coalition to Stop Car Violence. The advocacy group was just one of many organizing the rally that brought an astounding thirty five people to Washington to have their voices heard.

Most vehicle control advocates are just focusing on high capacity vehicles, and the Obama Administration seems to be catering to their concerns. When asked about the President’s stance on the issue, White House press secretary Jay Carney said that the President feels the time has come to put strict limits on how many passengers can be loaded into a single automobile.

“The President is in agreement with the people on this matter.” said Carney. “What we’re looking at most are the really large and dangerous vehicles, such as buses. Too many people are being run over by buses year after year.”

When questioned about Obama’s use of buses, Carney replied: “It is the President’s opinion that high capacity vehicles, such as buses, should only be in the hands of highly trained government drivers.” When asked further about the President’s use of buses to dispose of political liabilities, Carney shouted “Look! Squirrel!” and stood motionless with his eyes closed until the press room emptied.

While the support to place limits on large vehicles capable of being loaded quickly seems to be growing, some are arguing that just banning high capacity vehicles simply isn’t enough and a few lawmakers in the House and the Senate seem to be hearing them loud and clear.

“I hear them loud and clear,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). “The time has come for common sense vehicle control, and not just high capacity vehicles like station wagons, vans, and buses, but also more dangerous vehicles.”

Senator Feinstein is leading the charge with a proposal that would have a sweeping effect on what will be allowed on the road…and on the sidewalk. Included in the draft of her bill is a complete ban of military assault style scooters, which are common in retirement areas.

“Buses are killing our children, and vans are kidnapping them.” said Feinstein. “But another issue that is overlooked are these dangerous scooters that are being foisted upon our senior citizens. These things can kill, and should only be allowed for police and military use.”

Not all groups feel that there needs to be vehicle control. Steven Oppy, president of the Monster Trucks, Guns, And Beer Association told us: “These people keep going on about common sense, but they’re not making any sense at all. It’s not big vehicles that kill people, it’s lousy drivers. I mean, have you ever driven in Detroit? Those people are crazy.”

Oppy and his group suggest an alternative to vehicle control: not allowing idiots on the road. “Really, that’s all we need to do to cut down on accidents.” said Oppy. “Send all of the idiots to California and then build a wall.”

But the Vice President, an Idiot-American himself, couldn’t disagree with that sentiment more. While giving a speech at a luncheon for the Disabled Veterans of Call of Duty Association, Biden briefly but passionately gave his opinion on the matter.

“Why do people need so many seats?” said Biden. “Why would you even want to sit in the back seat of a vehicle? It’s called shotgun people! Just ride shotgun.”

Chicago, IL (NPN State News Service) – The picturesque scene at the McCormick Place convention center in Chicago was one of true patriotism and revolution as the Dear Leader’s glorious and most beautiful wife, Comrade Michelle led our great nation’s youth in a new revolution against being a fat and lazy citizen. In an effort to mark the occasion, these young revolutionary comrades starved themselves for many hours in protest of evil greedy capitalist excess.

Our brave police forces helping out.

Said one young revolutionary, Comrade Kevin Archer a 3rd grader at Novak King Elementary School, “I do this for the revolution and to stop being fat. No good citizen should be fat. Being fat is being a capitalist traitor. I am feeling a bit sick now though.”

Comrade Michelle gives a powerful speech.

Many of these brave youth were near fainting when Comrade Michelle made her appearance after hours of waiting for the beginning of these glorious festivities. In an effort to keep our young comrades from failing in their duties, blessed members of our revolutionary police forces helped prop up our young heroes. Not a one of these brave children left their post during the ceremony as our brave police forces kept them from falling over with the butt of their rifles.

As Comrade Michelle delicately floated across the stage to deliver her speech, the young revolutionaries cheered as the band played our national anthem. Before speaking, a great and glorious image of our Dear Leader was gently lowered from above the stage so that all may bask in his wonder and salute the savior of our great and glorious nation. Some of the young revolutionaries, weak from hunger, were helped to salute by our brave police forces.

Comrade Michelle looked out over the glorious future of our glorious nation and said “You, comrades, are the future of our glorious nation! You are showing the rest of our comrades how to live in a patriotic way, without food and excess. It is you who will continue the revolution and destroy the capitalist fatties!”

Comrade Michelle’s speech lasted for an hour and was followed by many glorious celebrities and athletes praising the Dear Leader and decrying the evils of eating food and becoming fat like a traitorous capitalist.

Our Glorious Leader

One NBA basketball player said “I didn’t get to where I am today by eating food. I did it through hard work and exercise. I did it through using government programs and not through capitalism. I am where I am today by not eating and through the glorious graces of our Dear Leader, Barrack Obama!”

This was met by great cheers from the youth, as directed by our brave police forces.

The event climaxed in a spirited chant of “No Food! Let’s Move!” and then ended with another basking of and saluting the glorious countenance of our Glorious Dear Leader atop a white stallion holding the world within his fist.

After the event, one of the teachers who had helped bring these young revolutionaries to the event was heard saying “Yeah let’s move…because there’s no food!” The unidentified teacher was last seen chatting with our brave police forces.

WASHINGTON (NPN) – On the heels of the national gun control debate that has been raging over the past few weeks, Senator Feinstein, D-Ca, is attempting to push through a bill to ban all projectile firing devices, especially those that can be loaded with more than one projectile.

“This is not a ban against weapons, as that would be unconstitutional,” said the senator, “it is simply a ban on devices that fire projectiles. As we all know, projectiles are dangerous and can hurt and kill people, so we need to get them off of the streets.”

When asked if this included all handguns, hunting rifles, and even BB guns, the senator confirmed this was the case. “Oh yes, those BB guns seem so innocent, but you could shoot your eye out with one of those things.”

A spokesperson for senator Feinstein’s office which is responsible for drafting the new legislation explained that this is not an infringement of people’s rights to bear arms.

“Let them have swords” said the spokesperson. “Or even spears. You can hunt with a spear. And sword fights are fun.”

Gun rights activists like the NRA are up in arms about this new push to ban all guns, setting a date for a rally at the capital and multiple television ads.

“We are not going to sit by while this government tramples our rights to keep and bear arms.” said Tom Green, a gun rights activist. “And not only that, but I spent hundreds on my Nerf gun collection and they want to take it away. I’ll have nothing to do at work!”

White House press secretary Jay Carney held court as reporters bombarded him with questions about the legislation.

“Look, first what I want to say is, the President did not push for any such legislation and so we don’t know all of the details.” said Carney. “But from what I, uh, I understand of senator Feinstein’s bill is that this will only effect a small number of projectile firing devices, not necessarily guns exactly, per se, etc.”

Upon being asked what exactly he defines as being a gun other than a projectile firing device, Carney ripped his shirt off, flexed his biceps and said “now these are guns baby!”. He then held his pose frozen until the reporters finally left.

There are also unconfirmed reports surfacing that several other Democrat members of the Senate are drafting their own bills in an effort to keep the public safe, such as a ban on all types of eapons that start with a “w”, a ban on sharp material separation devices, a ban on devices that have triggers, and a ban on pointy sticks.

There is a rumor that there is also a proposal to ban laws against pederasty, but NPN was unable to confirm which creepy old Democrat Senator from Nevada was looking into such legislation.

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia (NPN) – Muslims around the world are crying foul following the opening of a new Paris Hilton Handbags & Accesories store in Mecca, the capital of the Muslim world. Twitter was afire with angry comments towards the hotel heiress and her line of womens accesories that nobody had really heard of until now. Citizens living in and around Mecca especially are upset that such a store could be opened in the holiest of cities and the site of Islam’s annual pilgrimmage.

“This is an affront to Islam itself!” said Said al-Mularki. “Not only does this Satan woman who makes the sexy tapes soil our most holy of cities with her name, but also does so with a line of merchandise that isn’t worth camel dung. Who would buy this crap?”

Paris Hilton being taken into custody for questioning while wearing this lovely ensemble available from the Paris Hilton clothing line.

In response to the store’s opening, a flash mob ensued outside of the busy Mecca mall where protesters shouted in anger, demanding that the “Satan woman’s store be destroyed”. The flash mob also performed a series of dance numbers from the musical CATS, and then broke up.

At the daily White House briefing, reporters questioned White House Press Secretary Jay Carney about the uproar over Paris Hilton’s store in Mecca and what, if anything, the President might do about it.

“The President is deeply concerned about this” said Carney. “He wanted me to make it clear that the administration will do everything in its power to resolve this situation, including, but not limited to bowing to the King of Saudi Arabia…again, and also having Paris Hilton arrested for something that has nothing to do with this. Or something.”

And with that, Carney shouted “BOOM! Explosion!”, crouched behind the podium, and pretended not to be there anymore while singing Memory softly to himself.

Meanwhile, it has been confirmed that Hilton was taken into custody early this morning by the Beverly Hills Police Department. A spokesperson for the department said that the heiress has been taken simply for questioning about something that has nothing to do with handbags or Muslims. No further explanation was offered.

Oslo, Norway (NPN) – The esteemed Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded for the year of 2012 to none other than the greatest proponent of peace on Earth, the entire European Union. Members of the EU assembly, a collective of self-serving and officious bureaucrats, rejoiced and celebrated with lots of self-aggrandizement and partying, which they generally only reserve for days that end with “day”.

Rumor is, the medal will be replaced with a doughnut.

According to EU assembly member Hans von Hans, this award has been a long time coming.

“Really, what better way to acknowledge the hard work and struggles of the bureaucratic class in their effort to tell people how to live their lives?” said the humble Hans. “There is no better way to promote peace than taking rich people’s money and spreading it around to everyone else so they can go on holiday most of the year.”

The Nobel committee revealed that it would be reevaluating its standards on other Nobel prizes, including those for physics, mathematics, chemistry, and medicine. They also announced a new prize: the Nobel for Participation. This prize is to be awarded to all humans on Earth who participate in being a human on Earth.

“This is long overdue, really.” said Pierre Manuel von van de la Klementine of the Nobel committee. “So many humans struggle to do great things and fail. This prize is really to acknowledge their accomplishments and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings that they didn’t get a Nobel Prize. Now everyone will get one!”

In an effort to make the Prize more fair, the Nobel committee has decided to award anyone who practices medicine, be it as a doctor or a person who put a Band-Aid on a cut, a Nobel Prize in medicine. And anyone who has demonstrated the principles of physics in a meaningful way will be awarded a Nobel Prize in Physics, whether they have split an atom or cut some cheese. Chemistry will still be a difficult award to get.

“We had to draw the line somewhere.” said Klemintine. “Unless you have, at a minimum, mixed two liquids together, or at least put an ice cube into a liquid, you cannot be awarded the Nobel for Chemistry.”

The metric for earning a Nobel Prize in mathematics is still undecided.

“Most people don’t know how to do any kind of math, so we are still trying to find a way to make this award accessible to people.” said Klementine. “So far, the greatest consensus is to award it to anyone who can pick up two objects at one time.”

Other award categories seem to be in the works, such as the Nobel Prize for Television Watching, the Nobel Prize for Putting Your Pants On, and the Nobel Prize for Breathing.

It is rumored that the Nobel Prize for literature may be phased out, with the Nobel committee stating that writing is just too hard for some people, and making this a part of the Prize is just unfair to so many.

Harvard University (NPN) – Professor Martin Feldstein, an economist at Harvard, claims that President Obama and his campaign have misrepresented his study of Mitt Romney’s tax plan. The president has claimed that the tax plan does not work and is purposely designed to raise taxes on middle and low income earners, citing Professor Feldstein’s study.

The Obama Campaign’s corrected version of Professor Feldstein’s study on the Romney Tax Plan.

“This is completely reprehensible, what they have done.” said the wild-eyed Feldstein in a horrible German accent. “My study clearly showed that the Romney tax plan can in fact achieve debt neutrality while avoiding raising tax rates on the middle class, low class, and those with no class.”

With that, the professor then filled three giant chalk boards proving why, threw his chalk at this reporter and stalked out of the class room.

“He’s clearly wrong about our mischaracterization of his study.” said Margaret Stump, a chief financial adviser of the campaign. “We read his report, which made little sense to begin with, and simply corrected his math, which didn’t work originally. I mean, who uses a bunch of symbols and letters instead of numbers when doing math? It was garbage.”

The professor also apparently did not account for the costs and penalties associated with Obamacare.

“I don’t know what Dr. Feldstein was thinking, removing Obamacare expenses like that.” said Stump. “The costs of that are going to be huge, and you can’t make conclusions about a tax policy without recognizing how much Obamacare will add to the tax burden and completely crush the middle class, while putting small companies out of business and taking away from the economic growth that Romney’s tax cuts are supposed to make appear out of thin air.”

Vice presidential candidate Joe Biden apparently caught wind of this story as it was developing and made some comments in a speech to members of the Chupacabra Hunters Union in Wisconsin.

“This nutty professor is going around saying he knows better how to do math than the President of the United States!” said an apoplectic Biden. “Yeah! He is saying that. I mean, you can’t become president or vice president without knowing a lot about math. So I have three words for you Professor: Go Learn Math! Oh wait, that was four words. Four words for you professor.”

The Romney campaign was unable to respond to these developments being indisposed by fits of raucous laughter.

“What I faced in that debate was nothing like the real Mitt Romney,” Obama told 12,000 backers at a park in Denver. “It was more this giant horrible thing. Like a robot. A giant, metal robot. Something invincible that my tiny hands just impotently clawed at and were unable to make a mark. Or a Mack truck. I think I expected Romney to be in the podium next to me, but I turned and what I saw was this truck careening towards me. It hit me very hard… and now I’m having trouble remembering…”

Tears were visible in the president’s eyes as he continued. “And then there was this monster there. It roared at me and grabbed me and slammed me into the ground over and over and I screamed, ‘This isn’t Mitt Romney! I supposed to debate Mitt Romney!’ And I kept trying to read from the teleprompter in my mind like my debate trainers told me, but the monster wouldn’t stop beating me and the words were so fuzzy. And then this horrible, incomprehensible thing stood over me and… and… it’s hard to remember. Please don’t make me remember!”

The president started bawling. “It started questioning the job I did as president TO MY FACE! It was the most agonizing thing imaginable! Why didn’t somebody stop it?! Why?!”

The president then curled up into a fetal position and started rocking back and forth muttering. “Tell me I’m smart. Someone please tell me I’m smart.”

The president’s aides say that Obama is really prepared for the next debate and Romney better watch out, but the real Romney better show up for that debate instead of an invincible robot monster that crushes everything before it.

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – As the nation turned to various festivities and traditions on this Labor Day, from grilling food in the backyard and spending time with family, to remembering the hard work, ingenuity, and enterprise that it took to make this a great country, the President took part in a ceremony of his own, followed by a speech to commemorate the occasion.

President Obama prepares to lay a union-made wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Job in honor of the many jobs lost.

The ceremony began with the President laying a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Job, and after a moment of silence for the many jobs lost, President Obama gave a short speech to mark the holiday.

“This day, Labor Day, is a day of remembrance of the many jobs that once made this country so great.” said the President. “For without them, we would not have had the peace and prosperity that we so enjoyed before. It is important on a day like this, a national holiday, to remember those many jobs that were saved or created, shovel ready or not so ready, public union or private union, green or kind of green, and all the rest that keep at least some of America working and paying taxes to me.”

“And it is especially important to honor the unbroken unemployment lines, and also the unbroken line of fallen jobs.” the President said. “I see many of them out here today. It is with their continued sacrifice that my dreams of a different kind of America will be made possible. We may mourn their loss, but keep looking forward to the future I am bringing you to.”

After the speech, the White House hosted a special lunch with national union leaders. During this, one of the union leaders, Larry Greer, gave a short speech of his own.

“On behalf of the many labor unions in the nation,” said Greer, “I would like to thank President Obama for his continued efforts in helping organized labor regain its grip on power over evil businesses and the people in general. If it were not for his tireless work to destroy as many non-union jobs as possible, we would simply have faded away with time.”

The speech was met with cheers and toasts in the President’s honor.

In other news, a job from California that was reported missing last month has turned up in the port city of Pinghu, China. Chinese officials have granted the job full asylum, as has been their policy for the last several years while more and more jobs continue to self-exile themselves from the United States.

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – On the heels of the recently published results of a ground-breaking research project linking the use of marijuana, or “choom”, to the development of rampant idiocy in its users, some groups are beginning to question the “Choomer-in-Chief” himself, President Obama.

Vice President Joe Biden was unable to answer how exactly he became such an idiot.

“All we want to know is, how much of this stuff did he use?” said Brian Goldberg, a senior fellow for the Center of Political Scrutiny. “I think the American people have a right to know just how much the President’s brain has been affected by this horrible drug, preferably before they decide whether to reelect him or not.”

While most groups agree that it is sufficient for the American people to know just to what extent the President subjected himself to reefer madness in his youth, others are claiming it simply isn’t enough, and that there is a more important question that needs to be addressed by the Obama administration.

One such group, Citizens for Open Choom Dialogue, wants to know more about the President’s supposed “Choom Gang”.

“You have to look at this objectively.” said Robert Fullerton, the group’s founder and chairman. “It isn’t enough to know how much choom the President subjected himself to, because as idiotic as his policies are, he still seems relatively functional for an incompetent moron. What we need to know is, who else from his choom gang is serving in our government?”

Reading from a list of suspected individuals, Fullerton and his group are most concerned about a specific person: Vice President Joe Biden.

“Think about it. Is there a more idiotic person in the higher levels of government?” said Fullerton. “Why would anyone purposely select Biden as their Vice President, knowing full well that the man is a complete and utter moron?”

“I’ll tell you why.” he declared. “It’s the choom. Joe Biden was or still is a member of this “choom gang”, and that is why the President selected him as his VP.”

The group has been pressuring the White House to either admit to these accusations, or to show proof otherwise, requesting a list of the Choom Gang membership from President Obama. When asked about it at a recent White House press briefing, Press Secretary Jay Carney made the following statement:

“Look, ah, this is just another type of birtherism.” said Carney, while beginning to foam at the mouth, as he is wont to do. “These “choomers”, that’s, uh, c-h-o-o-m-e-r-s, these choomers are just the same crazy people that want the President to submit yet another document that is irrelevant. They wanted the same thing as with other irrelevant documents such as his birth certificate, his school records, and those silly Fast and Furious documents. Frankly, none of this creates jobs. It’s about the jobs people. And the children.”

And with that, Jay Carney disappeared in a puff of smoke.

An official statement released afterwards from the White House declared, somewhat ambiguously, that Vice President Biden was never a local member of the original Choom Gang of Obama’s school years. Whether or not a current choom gang still exists and if Joe Biden is a member of it was not addressed.

Other “choomers” are starting to pressure the President to release a list.

“It’s simple, either Biden was, or he wasn’t a choom gang member.” said Donald Trump during a recent episode of The View. “Why is this such a big deal? What is the President hiding? I’m not saying Biden was, or is a choom gang member. But we all know he is, in fact, a flaming idiot. So that brings up the obvious question, of his, er, his membership in this choom club thing. Why won’t Obama just answer the question and put this thing to rest? Just release this Choom Gang list, Mr. President!”

NPN sought out Trump for additional remarks, but following his initial statement on The View, Joy Bahar attacked him with a chair and he was unavailable for comment while recovering.

R’lyeh, South Pacific (NPN) – Potential presidential candidate Cthulhu has made it official: he has decided not to run as a third party “greater of evils” option in this year’s U.S. Presidential race.

The Dread god is sitting this one out.

“I just don’t see the point,” a somber Cthulhu said. “I mean, my platform has always been the total and utter destruction and subjugation of the human race, starting with the United States. But this year, there is already a candidate who can help accomplish these things.”

Cthulhu worries that running for president could jeopardize the Obama campaign by stealing votes from the misanthropic and nihilist segments of the Democrat base, which are sizable, but not enough to win an election on.

“The worst thing that can happen here, is that people select the lesser of evils, Mitt Romney. I just can’t be party to that, when I am such an outspoken proponent of the greater of evils in an election.” said Cthulhu, while eating one of our reporters. “Mmm nom nom, um, if Obama keeps up what he is doing, *burrrrrp*, then I could take the election in 2016, and the United States will be so broken by then, it will be child’s play to finish the work I intend to do.”

In other news, while it was speculated that General Zod would also enter the race again, very little has been heard out of his camp. Zod himself was unavailable for comment when asked about it, but a spokesperson did respond to NPN’s inquest.

“The General has not made a decision on whether he will run this year, or, more likely, simply take over the world.” said the Zod spokesperson. “Kneel before Zod.”

WASHINGTON (AP) – After numerous UFO sightings in the DC area last June, spokesmen from the Patuxent Naval Air Station revealed that it was actually just an experimental drone aircraft. Although the Navy claims that the X-47B is flown completely by its computer and has no personnel aboard, a quick search of the internet by ABC’s Brian Ross proved the military’s cover story to be false.

“No evidence to suggest Harry Reid disembarked his UFO long enough to meet with Obama and inappropriately touch young people.”

“There’s a ‘Hairy Reed’ of Washington DC, page on Twitter,” said Ross, “and there’s a tweet here talking about him flying a UFO. Now, we don’t know if this is the same Harry Reid. But it’s Harry Reid of Washington, DC. This might be significant.”

As further evidence, the Washington Post cited “a phone call from some guy who once read cowboy poetry,” but declined to identify him. He was, however, quoted as saying, “Harry Reid! He’s in the sky! He’s everywhere! HE’S EVERYWHERE!”

The Washington Post’s Ed O’Keefe said the conclusion was “obvious”.

“The responsibility of the media is to report stories no matter what they’re based on, for example truth, or rumors, or the loudest of my little head-voices. And based on the deranged rantings of an anonymous lunatic, we must assume that Harry Reid is a space alien bent on global destruction who does strafing runs over the DC area for kicks.”

“Also,” concluded O’Keefe, “according to a recent Twitter hashtag, Reid may also be a pederast. Now we don’t know if it’s the same Harry Reid, but this might be significant.”

WASHINGTON (AP) – After twice dodging reporters’ questions on whether Tel Aviv or Jerusalem was the capital of Israel (it’s Jerusalem), White House Press Secretary Jay Carney later repeatedly declined to identify the capital of the United States.

The White House transcript reveals the exchange went like this:
______________

“Look, I’m just not very good at geographology, OK? Leave me alone!”

CONNIE LONG (USA Radio Network): Ok, Jay, here’s an easier question – what’s the capital of the United States.

CARNEY: I haven’t had that question in a while. Our position has not changed, Connie.

LONG: What is the position? What’s the capital?

CARNEY: You know our position.

LONG: I don’t.

CARNEY: Ok, well, you know that position where you have one foot on an ice floe, and one foot on a glacier, and the ice floe is slowly drifting out to sea, and your legs are spreading further & further apart and your pants rip because you don’t want to commit to moving either foot, so eventually you just fall into the icy water and get eaten by a walrus?

CARNEY: Well, that’s the position Mitt Romney’s in from twisting President Obama’s words by quoting him verbatim.

LES KINSOLVING (World Net Daily): Did you just change the subject?

CARNEY [looking down, shuffling feet]: …nnnnnnnoooo…

LONG: What’s the capital of the US, Jay?

CARNEY: Well, as has been the position of this administration from the beginning on this very complicated question, there are many conflicting theories. At one time or another, cities such as Philadelphia, Baltimore, and New York City have all served as America’s capital. To say that any of them are no longer the US capital, simply due to the mere passage of time, would be to disparage their service to this nation. It may also constitute unjust racial discrimination, as most verbal statements do. For example, when Mitt Romney said “Anglo-Saxon“.

KINSOLVING: You’re changing the subject again.

CARNEY: Your face is changing the subject!

LONG: What’s the capital of the US, Jay?

CARNEY: Well, again, our position has not changed. It’s very complicated. It could be lots of cities. Like Sacramento.

KINSOLVING: Sacramento’s the capital of California.

CARNEY: In one sense, yes, but Sacramento is a “capital”, and since it’s within America’s borders, it can be described as being “of the United States”. So if you were given two cities, like Sacramento and, say, Winnipeg, you could say “Sacramento, the capital of the United States”.

LONG: You COULD, but only an idiot WOULD.

CARNEY: Did not!

LONG [impatiently]: Jay… what’s the capital of the United States?

CARNEY: According to Mitt Romney, who refuses to admit the truth about it: BAIN Capital! HA!

After the press briefing, the three divisive reporters who hurt Mr. Carney’s feelings were barred from the briefing room and suspended without pay pending the completion of sensitivity training and an apology where they say it like they actually mean it.

SEATTLE (AP) – A newly released report showing that higher temperatures cause cows to give less milk is uniting climate and animal rights activists to take immediate action to counteract the negative effects of bovine heat stress.

“Stop giving my cow PBR!”

“Cows are happy in parts of Northern California and not in Florida. That’s a good way to sum up the findings of my new research,” said University of Washington economist Rainbow Moonglow Rabinowitz. “A hot cow is a cranky cow, and a cranky cow gives less milk. So, in addition to fighting climate change, we must all struggle together to make our Bovine-American friends happier. If we fail, we risk facing a tragic “Cows With Guns” scenario.

Professional animal rights activist Sunshine Daffodil Wyzowski explained how she developed her so-far resoundingly successful methods of cow-cheering.

“We start with the assumption that cows are highly intelligent creatures,” said Wyzowski, “much like progressive college students. Therefore it’s only logical to conclude that the same things will make them happy. You know, like chanting, bongos, songs by Animal Collective (on vinyl of course), PBR, and ironic hats. If we provide our Bovine-American friends with these things in sufficient quantities, it’s only logical to conclude that we will be able to counteract the effects of climate change, which is man-made and George Bush’s fault.”

“Well, as anyone with a lick of sense knows, cows are pretty dumb,” said Jones. “Kinda like progressive college students. And they’re easily scared by loud noises. Last week, a bunch of them overprivilged, under-brained UW snots come trompin’ onto my land, chanting, beatin’ on drums, and playin’ the gadawfulest records you’d ever heard in your life. Rattled my poor cows pretty bad. They haven’t given a drop of milk since.”

During the interview, Sunshine Wyzowski’s crew paid a surprise return visit to the farm, causing Jones to abruptly run off yelling “get that damn fedora offa my Bessie!”

A subsequent attempt to contact Jones to finish the interview was unsuccessful, ending with shotgun-waving and a request for this reporter to “get the hell of my land, hippie!”

IMAO Ace Reporter drowningpuppies [High Praise!] contributed to this story, and is currently in the hospital having buckshot tweezed out of his tuckus. Get well soon, DP!

WASHINGTON (AP) – With the growing list of Democrats not attending the convention this year, there is one more name to add to the list: Vice President Joe Biden. When asked why he wouldn’t be attending he responded, “Are you effing kidding me? This guy is a train wreck and I don’t want to be associated with him.”

“There is a growing reality among many people in the nation, but especially among Democrats, that President Obama is grossly under-qualified to be the leader of the less and less free world,” Vice President Biden stated. “Just because I said he was a good looking, articulate black guy doesn’t mean I thought he was qualified to be president.”

In response to these statements, the Department of Homeland Security issued the following statement: “Due to the recent remarks by Vice President Biden, we have put him on the terrorist watch list. Such statements about the President of the United States should not be tolerated and are extremely racist. They are incendiary and inflammatory and the marks of a right-wing extremist.”

President Obama was not available for comment as he was golfing, away from his handicap. Attempts were made to reach Vice President after he was listed as a right-wing extremist, but he was unavailable for comment as his rainbow colored pinwheel had just arrived.

OSLO (AP) – Just days after President Obama told a reporter for WLWT-TV in Ohio “that most people in Cincinnati would acknowledge that I’ve tried real hard,” the international community did just exactly that very thing. The Nobel Committee announced today that President Obama would be the recipient of the Nobel Participant Prize.

YAY! I winned real good!

“We really wanted to give him the Peace Prize again,” said Committee Chair Thorbjørn Jagland, “but between drone strikes, Gitmo still being open, and the whole ‘chucking bin Laden into the sea’ thing, even an organization as nefariously corrupt as ours couldn’t justify it. That check from Axelrod bouncing didn’t help any, either.”

“Still,” continued Jagland, “we just couldn’t stand the thought of America’s President, weeping, snot-nosed, and tremble-lipped again like he was after the 2016 Olympics went to Rio instead of Chicago. And he DID try ever so hard. It’s not really his fault that he’s, you know, slower than the other world leaders. We thought we should at least give him something that kinda says ‘you’re not smart, but we love your big heart.'”

As a reward for his vigorous yet fruitless efforts, America’s President will receive a hand-crayoned “GOOD JOB!” certificate with an as-yet-to-be-determined number of gold stars and/or smiley faces, suitable for sticking to the White House refrigerator with little fruit-shaped magnets.

“We don’t give this award out to just anybody,” said Nobel committee member Gunnar Stålsett. “For example, intelligent people who actually further human knowledge in useful scientific fields aren’t eligible. However, we believe that young folks with good intentions but poor mental faculties are just as deserving of recognition as some brainiac science-dork. It’s like when your child draws all over the walls with magic marker. You don’t yell at the poor, dim-witted thing. You say ‘Such pretty colors! You are so talented!’. Then you pat him on the head, give him a cookie and send him out to play, just bursting with self-esteem. Plenty of time to clean up the mess later. The important thing is he’s happy and feels good about himself.”

COLORADO SPRINGS (AP) – After stopping in Colorado to tour the sites where firefighters had been working around the clock to prevent the fires from spreading, President Obama held a press conference calling a halt to the efforts by Executive Order, declaring that the fires were “just as American as you and I, and they have a right to stay here.”

Surprisingly, the administration’s “virtual border fence” plan has failed to keep these blazes in check

“These fires came to our country with a dream,” said Obama. “A dream of a better life. A life of plenty. Of vast expanses of combustible wood far beyond the hopes of burning held by their brethren condemned to short brutal lives by oppressors who held them in campfire enclosures or at the tips of cigarettes. They longed for the right to travel freely throughout this state and this nation. Today they exercise this right, but are threatened by those who seek to eliminate them. I declare today that I will protect their right to flame freely throughout this country, burning the things Americans aren’t willing to burn, like their homes and families.”

Attorney General Eric Holder agreed that the federal agency responsible for controlling the number of fires in the United States, Ignition and Combustion Enforcement (ICE), would hereafter “prioritize” enforcement of laws against what right-wing critics call “illegal immolants”.

“First of all,” said Holder, “it’s racist to call these fires ‘illegal’. They’re ‘unextinguished Combustion-Americans’. Second, we simply don’t have the manpower to control who burns what where all the time. The DoJ is stretched pretty thin right now, trying to keep the Florida authorities from discriminating against Deceased-Americans by kicking them off the voter registration rolls.”

“Besides,” added Holder with a sly wink, “we need a few good infernos to help dispose of some ‘executive privilege’, if you know what I mean.”

WASHINGTON (AP) – House Democrat Leader Nancy Pelosi credited the Supreme Court’s upholding of Obamacare’s individual mandate to the late Democrat Senator Ted Kennedy’s angelic intervention, saying, “I knew that when he left us he would go to heaven and help pass the bill.” Pelosi then encouraged people to “use whatever wacky religious beliefs they had” to help get President Obama reelected.

Vodoo Chicken Says “Obama 2012!”

“I figure,” said Pelosi, “that if a greedy, gluttonous, lusty, slothful, adulterous murderer can sit at God’s right hand and pull invisible strings instead of doing the 9-circles-tour, maybe some other crazy schemes might help support Obama, too. I think Mexicans like chicken sacrifices, and since Obama just gave a million of ‘em a free pass, Foghorn Leghorn should lose his melon for the greater good.”

Former Obama adviser and current Democrat candidate for Senate in Massachusetts Elizabeth Warren said she supported Pelosi’s “Voodoo the Vote” initiative.

“Being 1/32 Cherokee,” said the blond-haired, blue-eyed, high-cheekboned Native American, “I have great faith in my people’s ability to propitiate angry gods and win their blessings. Last month, I was moccasining around my teepee doing a raindance, and now half the country is plagued by drought, record high temperatures, and wildfires. Turned out I was doing the dance backwards.”

“Hey, I said I AM Cherokee. Never said I could read instructions written in it,” Warren said petulantly.

Although admitting to some skepticism over the program, corrupt and censured Democrat Congressman Charlie Rangel offered his support as well.

“Yeah, the chicken thing might work,” said Rangel. “But they need to do it right. I hear the best way to kill a chicken when trying to appease mighty spirit forces is to seal it up in a cardboard box until it suffocates.”

“But we should not let the perfect become the enemy of the good,” said Rangel solemnly. “If you don’t have a chicken, then suffocate the cash equivalent of a chicken in a cardboard box. Then address the box of suffocated cash to me and drop it in a mailbox. I’ll see that it gets a decent burial.”

NEW YORK CITY (AP) – In an unexpected show of defiance against New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s proposed ban on the sale of sugary drinks in quantities over 16 ounces, thousands of protesters dumped soda into New York Harbor today, leading to hundreds of arrests.

“You can have my Big Gulp when you pry it from my cold, dead, sausage-fingered hands!”

Carrying signs with slogans such as “no limitation on my carbonation,” a throng of furious and mostly overweight demostrators gathered on the city’s docks to hurl the contents of half-gallon convenience-store cups into the Atlantic, carelessly threatening endangered fish with obesity and diabetes.

Mayor Bloomberg’s office was quick to issue a call for a show of reason and order from New York’s agitated and corpulent masses.

“We’re not taking away anybody’s right to do things,” Bloomberg said in defense of his draconian and poorly calculated cup-size restriction, “we’re simply forcing you to understand that you have to make the conscious decision to go from one cup to another cup. It’s not perfect, it’s not the only answer, it’s not the only cause of people being overweight – but we’ve got to do something. We have an obligation to warn you when things are not good for your health.”

Possibly harkening back to the original “Boston Tea Party” protest of 1773, many of the participants disguised themselves as Indians. Later investigation, however, showed that there were just a lot of 7-11 and Dunkin’ Donuts franchise owners present.

One pudgy protester said that, although he really hated to waste perfectly good soda, he felt compelled to express his displeasure at the Mayor’s plan through peaceful methods, although he did not rule out the possible use of more extreme measures in the future.

“We’re not taking away the Mayor’s right to pass laws,” he said, “we’re simply forcing him to understand that you have to make the conscious decision to screw with people’s freedom. This protest is not perfect, it’s not the only answer, it’s not the only way to battle nanny-state tyranny – but we’ve got to do something. We have an obligation to warn Mayor Bloomberg when he does things that are not good for his health.”

WASHINGTON (AP) – In a new video released by the Obama campaign, several campaign interns revealed what it’s like to be part of the historic push to make Barack Obama America’s first black reelected president.

As a reward for her hard work, President Obama personally teaches ‘Katie’ how to fake-smile for photo-ops – better work on that faux-sincere eye-crinkle, ‘Katie’!

“When I first found out I was going to be an intern here at OFA [Obama for America],” said ‘Katie’, “it was just an honor to know that I was going to be working for the President. Turns out you can’t spend honor. I’m so hungry. Can I have part of your lunch?”

Finance Intern ‘Rafi’ said, “Even though you have ‘intern’ on your name tag, you’re a lot more than that. You’re actually part janitor, part gofer, and part barista. Also, when your internship is complete, you get promoted to 1/32 Cherokee.”

Operation Vote Intern ‘Jaha’ opined, “You’re really part of a cause that is larger than yourself, and I feel like that every day I come here. Kinda like Occupy Wall Street, except with less pepper-spray in the ol’ peepers. Well… MOST days.”

‘Rafi’ chimed in again, “You are so valued by the team here, and given real responsibility. Just the other day, I was personally selected to empty Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s drool cup. Sounds gross, I know, but at least it’s easier than running Biden’s anti-gaffe shock-collar. Man! Your finger’s just DEAD the next day!”

“I’ve had a lot of internships,” added ‘Katie’ enthusiastically, “but nothing has ever been like this. We really are one big family. Just like the Mansons!”

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