Stumbling Through The Adventures And Misadventures Of Dating With God's Grace

Dating…it can be something of a challenge as we get older. Heck, it has always been a challenge for me. I’m at the point in my life where friends now start to tell me about their vacation plans years ahead of time. I’m invited to go…only if at that time I have someone to go with as well. That’s right, I have entered into a Couple Clause. *tick tock*

Has this happened to you?

I honestly didn’t know it had come to this. I had never, at 34 years old (thanks December birthday), thought of myself in this situation. Just like Tim Allen in The Santa Clause 2, I have been given an ultimatum. Although I may not be saving Christmas the sentiment is the same. I cannot pass go without marriage.

Why do other couples do this to their single friends? Has it been so long that they have forgotten what its like to date? Do they want so desperately to see their single friends married for some reason? Is it not possible to be single and Heaven forbid…happy?

I take this all into consideration when this is brought to my attention. Couples doing things. Couples going places. And I understand from a Couples perspective that it can be a bit odd having a Single friend there amongst all the pairs. It’s odd for me too!

The thing is, ALL people are single at some point in their lives. For some it is a little longer than others. And yes, there are those that choose to remain single for the rest of their time on this Earth. The point is to respect that, to cherish the time you can have with them before it all becomes about fitting one another into each others schedules.

God’s timing and plans are far greater than my own. It’s hard enough for me to understand it myself so please don’t make it any harder. Be patient with me, my time is coming and it will be better than anything I could have imagined.

It’s hard at times to not get distracted from the things in life that I really want, by the things in life that I would like to have. So in that frame of mind I did something a little off the book. Or more so, I should say off the plan. I went through and found all my online dating profiles and deleted them all. That’s right, gone.

I realized with the ringing in of the new year, my 30th birthday, and starting to move forward instead of standing still, that I was not doing what was best for me by letting myself get distracted by one of the things I would like in my life. A boyfriend, you know, the type to eventually become a husband and all that other Cinderella stuff. Not that I have one but the pursuit of one is what has been my problem. All of this online dating, which really just ends up being online ogling at profile after profile because we women actually read profiles and then consumes well, hours.

Meanwhile I’m becoming a hermit. Let’s face it, that’s not exactly the best way to get a date. Looking back on it, it’s super lazy. I can sit in my pajamas with no makeup and “see” all the men I want without ever having to go anywhere. Sounds good doesn’t it? But where does it get me? Nowhere. I’m still sitting at home, in my pajamas with no makeup on.

Tucking myself a little harder into that box I so comfortably fit into. For the new year and the start of my 30’s I’ll be stepping out of the box. Or maybe I should say busting out. Dating is scary and an easy way to ease that is by putting up walls via the internet.

So I’m challenging myself. Baby steps, but I’m going to do it. Get out and do things I want to do. Stop waiting around and just looking, and do.

Is there something missing from your life? Something that you’ve always wanted to do but got distracted from? Get out there and do it! Here’s to adventure and the pursuit of love and life! Corny, I know, but go with me on this. Because while we’re sitting at home all comfortable, other people are living their lives, going after their dreams, and being happy. Why should we be envious of them for getting what they want out of life when we have the ability to do the same? And after all, our dreams are way cooler.

I have to admit that I’ve seen The Bachelor, and The Bachelorette more than once. And every time it drives me nuts! All of these women or men competing over one person. Getting played by one another, drawing out people’s feelings for show ratings, etc. There is no way in heck that I could do that. Too much chick drama.

Plus, I’m horrible at hiding my emotions. I can keep certain things bundled up but faking whether I like someone…I just can’t do it. It’s like there is some big flashing sign on my forehead. Or a big red X flashes across like on Family Feud when the wrong answer is given, or in this case the wrong guy approaches.

Yet with all of my online dating experience I can’t help but start to see some similarities after time. Online dating is A LOT like The Bachelor. I had never really thought about it, because, well, it’s not as in your face as The Bachelor is. Then I had it pointed out to me by my last online interest.

Cowboy: “So I’ve gone on two dates with two different women since I’ve been on the dating site. And they both say they’re “into me” or “like me a lot”.

Um, okay? And why did he feel he needed to tell me this? Because I wasn’t doting on him like they were. I’m just not that girl. I’m not going to just throw out my feelings to someone I’ve never met, went on a date with, or even gotten a straight answer from in an email.

If you’re trying to capture my attention and heart…USE YOUR WORDS! It is the most annoying thing when you bounce around and don’t answer something I have asked or completely ignore it. I’m trying to get to know the guy, he’s got to give me something for me to want more and be interested. More on this experience later. Boy oh boy was it a flop too!

Back to where I was…which was…AH! Examples!

When your online dating you don’t realize most of the time that there are otherwomen. Heck, when you’re dating period, you don’t think about other women. Truth be told, I do. More so when I am dating someone in person, in my hometown, who I can hear things about. Which is exactly like The Bachelor!

Sitting there watching as the guy your there for goes out with a group of women before you. He kisses other women and you hear about it. There isn’t a move made that your able to ignore. And that’s the way they like it, THAT’S what sells. Chick drama.

Not so much online. It’s like an invisible shield goes up and you think you’re the only two on the site even when you’ve looked at other profiles. It feels more close encounter and mysterious because all of the background chatter isn’t happening. Until it’s brought up, like Cowboy mentioned above.

So why is it so hard then to raise that shield in other forms of dating? Focus on the one person your interested in? Not let others intervene. Simple, curiosity gets the best of us. We want to know more, so we ask, especially if the guy is not spilling it himself. We want to protect ourselves from being duped.

Yet, sometimes we get in our own way. So what does it take for us to be able to step out of our own way, stop listening to all the chick talk, and just let things happen?

It’s difficult being the single woman at times when it seems that most of the friends you hang out with are now married and have kids. Yes, your friends are still your friends and you love them but things have changed in the dynamic that you are used to. They aren’t able to go out as much as you would like. They have couple things to do and most of that does not involve you as a single person attaching a third wheel to their party.

Yes, it can get uncomfortable. And yes, it can get lonely especially when it’s your best friends that have left you in the single world all alone. Unfortunately we all aren’t destined to meet the people we are meant to be with at the same time as everyone else. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

And the older you get the more common it starts to become. Hopefully this stage in your life won’t be too long. In the meantime enjoy being single! Don’t let yourself get caught up in their world. Take the time to do the things that you want to do, be bolder, be braver, and get involved with the things you wouldn’t be able to if you were in a couple.

Now is a better time than any to just do it. Quit questioning yourself and go for it. Don’t think about the what ifs or all those Hallmark movie moments you’d like to have. Take time for what you want to do. Don’t lose yourself in others and what could be. Go and find out more about yourself and while doing that, you may just find you were where you needed to be all along.

I’ve got a friend who I adore. She is quite possibly one of the best people I know. She’ll probably even kick my butt for saying that, but it’s true. I’ve known her ever since high school and I don’t think I could even tell you how we met then. My mind doesn’t seem to keep track of those Hallmark movie moments like it should. You know, the “it was Freshman year in Mr. Smith’s class, we had English together and you asked me for a piece of paper.” Those kind of details never really stuck with me.

The main point is that we’ve been friends for a long time. I could always talk her easily, we were both athletes but not in the same sports. She was a runner, and is a runner, and I…am not. I prefer more physically active things like volleyball, softball, basketball. My explanation for never playing soccer, “I don’t run. Why would I want to play a sport where I could end up just running up and down a field all game?” Warming up with a few laps has always been just fine.

She also has one of the best, most heartfelt, hugs in all humanity. If I’m feeling down or out of sorts all I have to do is let her know I need a hug and she’s there with arms wide open. As we’ve gotten older, she’s now married with two adorable kids, those hugs have now included wine and beer. We laugh, straight talk, and listen to one another as good sounding boards. She’s one of a kind.

For the past week, I have had the absolute joy of spending more time with her. Her family lives out in the middle of fields and orchards and it can make it hard to get into town all the time. Solution? Almost a month of Auntie Ambee getting some time with the kids, two dogs (there were three…), 6 cats, 1 lizard, 4 fish, jack rabbits, coyotes, and of course Wonder Mom. Live in time that is. Has it been a little crazy? Yeah. Have I loved every minute of it? Heck yeah!

Kids grow so fast. And friendships can fade when not tended to. You know who your good friends are. No matter how long you go without talking to them, or seeing them, every conversation just picks up as if you just saw them yesterday. She has always been one of those friends.

It’s funny too because we find ourselves in conversations late at night saying. “well you know…blah blah blah” and the other says, “nope. never told me”. I think we’ve been friends for so long that we assumed the other one either knew or saw, did, went somewhere with the other one. So even though our friendship may be old we’re having fun rediscovering new things about one another all over again. It’s been a real treat getting to hang out with my dear friend. Even though at times she still thinks she’s not being “exciting” or “fun” because we’re cooking, watching TV (Hallmark movies), and being entertained by two kids instead of going out on the town.

I just keep reminding her it’s okay with me. I signed up for this stint to help her out. I’m loving it all. And in the end, she’s the one who is probably helping me more.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you catch yourself looking at “the other guy” in the photo of a guy who’s interested in you? Or is that just me? I’ve noticed lately that when browsing photos posted of people I usually catch myself looking at ALL the people in the photo. I’m an observer by nature. So naturally I look at the entire picture, however, when it comes to dating I find myself wanting to know who the cute friend of the guy who’s “winking” at me is.

Typically because the guy who’s winking at me is not someone I’m interested in. For instance today I had an older, but not too old, cowboy “flirt” with me. When I pulled up his profile and decided that he was not the one for me, I couldn’t help but take a second glance at a roping photo. Why? Because the cowboy behind him was more, and in the right age range, of what I was looking for.

Is that bad? There is absolutely no way of acting on things like that. Well, there is but I’m not that bold yet. It would start out “hey, thanks for the flirt but who’s your friend in photo #2? He single?” Let’s just say that might come across in poor taste.

It’s a whole other matter if the guy suggests it. “I know we’re not a match, but I’ve got a buddy who might be better for yah”. I might be willing to give something like that a try. For now though I’ll just continue to observe.

This crossed my mind today as I was thinking about all the different possibilities of online dating. I’ve been completely ready to be over it and just throw in the towel. What good has come from it? The one guy that I actually met from it ruined my New Year’s, you can read that here.

It just gets tiring and distracting every time an email arrives with “matches” and they have nothing in common with what you’re looking for in your life. I’ve had a few close “matches” but nothing that just sang to the hills and knocked me over. I’ve just not been impressed. And I don’t mean by the men, because they are all just trying to find the right person as well (however there have been a few I question…), but by the matching system itself.

Maybe that is the problem with trying to leave my love life to a computer. It gets you in the door initially but then just seems to fail completely after that. It’s almost like there needs to be a coach of the opposite sex on each side telling you what to do after “first contact”. Men don’t want (or don’t know how) to continue to email and be able to get to know you. It seems that most want to text. As if texting really lets you get to know one another!

Short texts flung back and forth with flirting. Nothing serious ever seems to be discussed. And then what? The texts just stop coming. They either found someone who was better and the flirting or who just wanted a hook-up.