Posts Tagged ‘ex’

Break up, break away, break free, break down…call it what you may…it means one thing…heartbreak! Whether we ended it, or it ended us…the heart doesn’t take kindly to being smashed to pieces. Sometimes, we get over a break-up and move on…sometimes, the break-up, or divorce, moves on over us, bulldozes our self-confidence, and leaves us in a perpetual state of regret. Those of us able to move on and take a lesson from our breakup are better off, aren’t we? Maybe…maybe not. How do we know when to let our ex, along with our baggage, go and when to do everything in our power to get that ex back?

Before you decide to start tossing pebbles at windows and singing cheesy love songs that reveal you for the desperate static cling-on that you are, exercise a little self-analysis. Are you simply bored? If you’re desiring a reunion out of boredom, your attempt will be made in vain. The relationship will surely take the same route it took before, ending with that oh-so-familiar fork in the road. Are you remembering the facts concerning your relationship, or are you being nostalgic…”retouching” them only to be reintroduced to the dirty truth upon reunion? Consider what the true source of the failed relationship was. Rarely is the obvious scapegoat the true culprit. Fights are almost never fueled by the topic at hand. You didn’t break up because you never picked up your dirty underwear. You didn’t break up because you were giving someone else the “eye.” And you didn’t break up because you nagged incessantly or spent too much on something he deemed “useless.” You broke up for one reason…and one reason only:

The connection (emotional AND sexual) was no longer “connected.” Whether you became too busy for one another, began to take the other for granted, or all out had an affair…all fingers point to a lost connection. If your car loses it’s connection to the battery, you’re not likely getting out of the driveway, now are you? In the same way, if your relationship loses its connection, you’re not “going” anywhere. Without a connection or spark, your relationship is as dead and stagnant as the clunker sitting in your driveway. The only way to get moving again is to reconnect, right?

So, if you’ve thought it over, you’re convinced you belong together, and you want to reconnect with your ex, below are some suggestions:

Don’t stalk your ex: Don’t bombard him/her with an endless stream of emails, texts, or messages. The only thing this will accomplish is proving to your ex that you are, in fact, desperate. And the only message your ex will hear is “I’m a loser…you can do so much better than me!”

Don’t appear needy: No one wants a needy dependent as a partner. “I need you. I can’t live without you.” “My world is nothing without you.” blah, blah, blah…if this is true, what you need is a mommy, not a spouse!

Don’t try to make your ex jealous: This will usually have the opposite effect. Showing your ex that you’ve moved on only sends the message that he/she should do the same. It doesn’t communicate a willingness to work on your relationship.

Don’t be overly passive or agreeable: “Whatever you want.” “I’ll do anything you want as long as you come back.” Can you say “doormat?” If you DO get your ex to come back by acting as a doormat, the only thing he/she will be coming back to do is wipe those nasty feet again before “opening the door” to another relationship.

Don’t point fingers: Laying blame and dumping the “YOU did_____ to me!” and “It’s all YOUR fault!” bricks at your ex’s feet will only supply him/her with the materials needed to throw up that emotional wall…goal: to block you out!

Now that you know what to avoid, here are some suggestions for possible success:

Do meet/get together to talk: The only way to begin to reconnect is to talk. Remember: no pointing fingers unless you’re able to contort your hand and point in two directions at once. 🙂

Do tell your ex how you feel: Unless you tell your ex that you feel you should give it another go AND that you’re willing to work on things, the meeting is pointless. Showing up, pretending to be righteous, and waiting for your ex to apologize and take the blame…Don’t shoot yourself in the foot…you’ll need it for walking away after you’ve been rejected yet again. If you want your ex to know how you feel, then tell him/her. Remember: no “YOU ___” attacks. Instead, try “It would make me happy if ______.” “I’ll work on _____ if you’ll work on _____.” Don’t provide those emotional walls with bricks…and they won’t be erected.

Do take responsibility: Honesty is key. Be honest about your part in the breakup. A breakup is never the fault of one person. It took two people to begin the relationship…it took two people to end it. Even if you broke up due to an infidelity…an infidelity is a symptom of an already existing problem within the relationship. The affair is simply a by-product. Treat it as such. Both parties should share the burden of the breakup.

Do be open-minded: Don’t judge your ex. We all make mistakes. If you truly want to make it work, recognize that neither of you is perfect. Accept that you both made mistakes as you will in the future. Be prepared to consciously work on your mistakes, and be ready to understand and forgive when your ex makes a mistake. It’s not a matter of IF both of you will make a mistake, rather a matter of WHEN you do. Keep your mind open, free from judgment, and ready to make changes.

Do appear confident: Your life WILL go on if you don’t get back together. Be sure your ex knows that…but make sure he/she knows that you’d rather stay together. “If this is truly what you want, I can accept it. I’ll miss you, and I think we should work on it. I love you and don’t want to lose you.” Be vulnerable and regretful, yet strong and resilient. This can be difficult with all of the swirling emotions whipping you into your own personal tornadic hell. Your emotions can get the best of you and betray you like nothing else. While you want to show some emotion, you don’t want to reveal yourself as a blubbering, swollen-eyed, desperate disaster while trails of tears and snot compete in a drag race down your face. 🙁

Making a romantic relationship between a man and woman successful is the most challenging feat we will ever accomplish. Life just gets in the way, does it not? It can turn two otherwise in love people into enemies. But recognizing that fact and refusing to play victim to the Love vs. Life wrestling match is the first step to making your relationship work. If you’re lucky enough to have someone in your life whom you’re willing to fight for (whether it’s an ex, or a soon to be ex), then set your sights on the “ex” on your treasure map, and let nothing get in your way. Maybe you’ll even find a little “booty.”

Chick Hughes

“Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.” ~ author unknown