Author
Topic: N.E.C the Awakening (Read 651 times)

Ok this is new to me I couldn't figure out how to post my word file for this so ima just copy and past. I want people to critique this and tell me your thoughts/ opinions/ advice. I had a novelist look at this and said it was good. im not looking for grammar, im trying to paint the picture to help out the artist when I finally can get one to work with me. (THERE IS CURRENTLY NO TITLE (mainly because I cant think of one yet)). Im really excited about what I have so far.TitlePage 1:? Panel 1:? Stage: background consists of a burning town, an overview look (looking down on character). Main character (Andrew) is floating above town.? Andrew: “This dream again? It’s the 5th time these past 9 day’s”.Page 2:? Panel 1:? Stage: background is still a burning town but now Andrew is closer to the ground, can see if front of him as if you are looking into the distance. Now can see dead bodies and some blood stains and screaming bodies. Closer view on Andrew.? Andrew: “Oh my god!… there’s dead people this time”.? Panel 2:? Stage: Close up on Andrew’s face (Andrew’s has wide eyes as terror strikes him).? Andrew: “Wait that’s my family’s house… oh my god… It’s nearly destroyed”.Page 3:? Panel 1:? Stage: Andrew only a foot or two horizontally above ground, moving fast over the street. Background (side shot of Andrew’s body) consists of two buildings burning. Road and side walk has 2 citizens (whatever age and gender) running and screaming. Another crawling around a car reaching an arm out and crying for help (missing left leg, and blood trail from one of the houses to car (whatever age and gender)). One male police officer sitting along a vehicle dead with 3 holes in chest (holes from lasers, bleeding from holes, sitting in puddle of blood).? Panel 2:? Stage: Looking over Andrew towards his head (you see his back). Background consists of Andrew’s house with a brick wall. Door to house on floor in splinters, iron gate to brick wall bent inwards and almost off hinges. Damage to brick wall all over, house on fire as well.? Andrew: “Noo… they have to be ok”.? Panel 3:? Stage: Looking at Andrew’s back and viewing in front of him. Now inside house, door to left and right, stairs going up directly in front on right wall. A room to left just passed the stairs, and another at the other end of hall (facing Andrew as he enters).? Panel 4:? Stage: Andrew now in between both rooms in front of stairs looking to right door (side shot of Andrew looking at his right side). Around the middle of stairs, ceiling debris falls blocking 2nd floor. ? Andrew: “Aaagh…”Page 4:? Panel 1:? Stage: Looking inside right room, roof caved in. Debris all over, under a burning 2X4 near door there is a cracked picture frame of family. Andrew staring down upon it.? Andrew: “(whispers) where are they?”.? Panel 2:? Stage: Close up on Andrew. Andrew turning around to look into left room. ? Panel 3:? Stage: Close up on Andrew’s Face. Tear’s start building in eyes, left hand to mouth.? Andrew: (chokes up whole time while speaking) “This can’t…. be…. Happening.”? Panel 4:? Stage: Andrew bending forward, right hand on door (using for support (looking at Andrew’s back again)). Andrew’s head is now drooped (left hand still on mouth). In middle of room lays his dead mother, father and little sister in a large pool of blood. Mother and father in posture of protecting daughter from someone.? Andrew: “Why is this…. Happening?”Page 5:? Panel 1:? Stage: Close u on Andrew, Tears rolling down face. Drops fall off hand and chin, and land on knees and floor. Right hand now firmly grasps own hair.? Andrew: “No no no no…. Noo noo…. No…. No…. No…. (sniffles and whispers) why?”? Panel 2:? Stage: Background consists of a high school building inside a classroom. Windows as left wall, normal wall for the right with double doors in front and back of room. 6 rows of 7 tables in room, can see room is on 3rd floor. Andrew is lying on floor with head on Ashley’s lap (friend of Andrew’s (she is a nerd)). Camera view looking towards front of classroom. Entire class currently surrounding Andrew, teacher kneeling beside Andrew checking his pulse. Clair (has a hyper personality) at front door looking out of room (friend of Andrew). Malcom (very smart he is good with tactics) and Zed (mysteries) standing at left side of crowd by Andrews feet (also friends).? Malcom: “How is he doing Mrs. Bronstan?”? Mrs.Bronstan: “His pulse is good, but is cold again.”? Panel 3:? Stage: Camera close up on Andrew, Ashley and Mrs. Bronstan. Looking at left side of Andrew, Ashley has a worried look, Mrs. Bronstan is holding Andrew’s right hand. Ashley is stroking Andrews’s hair with left hand. Andrews’s eyes starting to open.? Ashley: “Andrew, you’ve been past out now for almost 20 minutes. Please wake up.”? Andrew: “Wha… What is going on?”? Ashley: “Oh thank god… your awake!”Page 6:? Panel 1:? Stage: Overview back to as Panel 2 on Page 5. Clair no longer looking out door, but head turned to look into room while still half leaned out door. Everyone in room looks relieved. ? Class: Murmurs of relief (many diff phrases).? Malcom: “Hey hey man… your finally awake. How do you feel?”? Andrew: “I had that dream again. The one with so much chaos and death -”? Clair: “Everyone… Keith is back with the nurse.”? Panel 2:? Stage: Same Overview, Now Keith (brave personality (also a friend of Andrews)) and the nurse (Mrs. Larean) have entered the room. Keith is walking next to Clair towards crowd. Andrew starts to sit up.? Ashley: “Andrew, you shouldn’t push yourself.” ? Andrew: “It’s ok… I’ll be fine; I just want to stand up.”? Zed: (almost a whisper) “You were out for 20 minutes.”? Panel 3:? Stage: Close up on Andrew, using right hand on desk to support himself up. Ashley still sitting with her hands on Andrews back as support. Mrs. Bronstan holding Andrew by his left shoulder to assist him up. Mrs. Larean just arrives next to Andrew; background consists of some classmates and window behind them.? Mrs. Larean: “So you had the dream again Andrew?”? Andrew: “Yes, but this time I feel fine. This is the fifth time in a row now, I don’t understand.”? Ashley: “You cried more than usual this time.”? Andrew: “Probably because this time I saw the death of my family. I didn’t see that while sleeping last night.”

? Panel 4:? Stage: Same view, Andrew now standing up. Mrs. Bronstan and Ashley no longer touching Andrew. Mrs. Larean has her right hand on Andrew’s right shoulder.? Mrs. Larean: “Well if you think you are fine, then I’ll leave you here. If you feel like clasping again, make sure you come to my office.”? Andrew: Very well, thank you Mrs. Larean.”? Mrs. Larean: “I don’t let students get hurt while I am on watch.”? Mrs. Bronstan: “Ok students; let’s get back to your desks.”Page 7? Panel 1:? Stage: Overview looking towards back, students start heading back to desks, Nurse no longer in room. Mrs. Bronstan almost to teacher desk. Row of tables closest to window is row 1, and row next to wall is row 6. Malcom in row 1 seat 3, Zed in row 2 seat 3 and seat 7 is empty. Andrew in row 3 seat 5 and seat 7 is empty. Row 4 seat 2 is empty, Keith in row 5 seat 6. Ashley in Row 6 seat 1 and Clair in Row 6 seat 6.? Panel 2: ? Stage: Overview is back to looking towards front of classroom. All students are back in their seats and Mrs. Bronstan is behind her desk. Door to room at front opens and a arm comes through.? Mrs. Bronstan: “Now that one commotion has ended, it’s time to start another. Today we have a transfer student… come on in.? Class: “Murmurs”? Clair: “A transfer student? Why now when school only 7 weeks left until summer break?”? Panel 3:? Stage: Overview is looking towards back of room, a girl starts walking into classroom. All the students have astonished looks on their faces.? Panel 4:? Stage: Overview towards front of class. Female now facing the class. Still astonished some of the students start to look at each other and whisper.? Mrs. Bronstan: “Please introduce yourself.”? Stranger: “Good Morning Everyone, my name is Felicia. Looked like you all had an exciting day already, but thank you for having me here.”? Keith: “What made you want to transfer to our school?”? Felicia: “Personal reasons (smiles).”

? Panel 5:? Stage: Close up on Felicia and Mrs. Bronstan. Felicia is still smiling, and Mrs. Bronstan has her hand extended as if guiding her to the desks.? Mrs. Bronstan: “There are three empty seats please choose one.”? Felicia: “Thank you Mrs. Bronstan. (Whispers) can you point to me who Andrew is?”? Mrs. Bronstan: “Andrew? He would be the one right there.”Page 8? Panel 1? Stage:

« Last Edit: May 29, 2015, 12:48:08 AM by MrThirtyTwo »

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Im a beginner in weriting manga, i look forward in making friends here as well able to publish manga. This is were i will begin. :)~

I really loved how even though you don't draw, you wrote out and knew how everything was going to look. I think that's awesome and I was able to visualize everything you wrote.

I like where the preface of where the story is going, not much I can really say right now since it's the first chapter.

I think the only thing, that caught my eye, was when you wrote he was out for 20 min. Not really a huge issue, but I probably wouldn't want to say he was out for that long because normally he would probably be at the nurse's office at the point. Maybe if he was out for 10 min, I could probably see the Nurse taking that long and him still being in the classroom with all the students. That's just me though.

I guess one other thing was the transfer student (Felicia) entrance. Thinking back on it, after reading it, I thought maybe it was awkward for her to stand at the door for a while, especially when Clair is looking out the door as well. We know that she was there for a bit, because she saw what had happened based on her introduction. I think if maybe the principal took her to the classroom, or if Andrew was at a Nurses office and wasn't causing a scene, maybe it would fit better?

But that's really about it, it got me interested to learn what happens next, and I like how it doesn't really give out too much information at the very beginning. Hope that helps bud :)

Page 8? Panel 1? Stage: camera view back towards the front. Surra in between rows 3 and 2 walking towards Andrew, And Surra been staring at Andrew the whole time. Class continues to murmur and now theres more murmuring.? Panel 2:? Stage: Side shot view on Surra and Andrew. You can see some students in background. Surra has stoped walking in front of Andrew’s desk. Andrew has a confused look on his face while stareing up at Surra.? Surra: “So you are Andrew huh?”? Andrew: “Uh… yes.”? Panel 3:? Stage: view is close up on Surra and Andrew at angle so you see the back door to classroom. Surra is bent over with her left hand on desk (as support) leaning over Andrew’s desk, her right hand holds Andrew’s chin and her face is a couple inches from his. Girls in class are saying things like omg and girl stuff. The guys in class look astonished and saying things like that’s not fair or didn’t see that one coming. Andrew looks shocked.? Surra: “You are a very important person, that has yet to be born.”? Andrew: “Wait… what?”Page 9? Panel 1:? Stage: Surra continues walking to seat 7 in row 2. Andrew continues looking off in the distance completely confused, while everyone else continues watching Surra. Miss Bronstan claps her hands twice.? Miss Bronstan: “Settle down children, it’s time for use to start our lesson.”? Andrew: (not speaking, just his thoughts) “What in the world is going on? Why did she walk up to me? Have I met her before, this is the first time ive seen her. Maybe a friend of one of my friends.”? Miss Bronstan: “Andrew”? Panel 2:? Stage: Miss Bronstan stands in front of Andrew’s desk. Over view is angel shot can see the front door on left and the back door in front and last seat in row 1 on right. Andrew still looking off in the distance.? Andrew: (thoughts cont…) “What does she got to do with me? I mean come on who in there right mind walks up to a complete stranger and tells them that they are important, and what does she mean by yet to be born?”? Miss Bronstan: “ANDrew!!”? Andrew: “huh? Oh uh… yes miss Bronstan?”? Miss Bronstan: “Come back to planet Earth. Now read the first sentence on the 2nd paragraph.”? Panel 3:? Stage: A small panel signifying that the class starts snickering and laughing.Page 10? Panel 1:? Stage: Close up on Miss Bronstan and Andrew, Andrew is standing while holding and looking at his English book in his hands. Miss Bronstan still looking at Andrew but has a smile on her face. ? Andrew: “On the shore line, the French army disembarked there ships and continue inland to set up camp for the night.”? Miss Bronstan: “Good, seems you still know how to speak. Alright class lets continue on with class. Andrew you can sit down now.”? Andrew: “Yes ma’am.”

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Im a beginner in weriting manga, i look forward in making friends here as well able to publish manga. This is were i will begin. :)~

Sorry I couldn't get to this earlier, I was distracted with other things.

Anyways I think it was pretty good with the panels until you reached page 5 panel 2. That is way too much to put down in one panel. First that panel would take up most of the page and because details are smaller there is a drop in how well it can be drawn. A better option if you really wanted to show that scene is a 2 page spread. Next thing is that you don't need to constantly show the same setting more than once unless is is like a drastic thing like flipping the tables as a page turner. If you wanted to go about showing where Andrew sits you can just show everyone seated while Andrew is going to sit down.

Other than that I was surprised in the beginning (I was totally thinking aliens) but I can see this building up

ya its really hard to write manga for me so I am definatly trying and I wasn't expecting to surprice you lol. also I cant read that spoiler it just says test. and its been awhile but im back. I got busy and haven't been able to work on my manga lol.

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Im a beginner in weriting manga, i look forward in making friends here as well able to publish manga. This is were i will begin. :)~