A Giant Leap of Faith

Disclaimer – All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Rating – T – Just to be safe

Summery – What happens if you just have to take a leap if faith, even if that leap takes you miles further than you think you can go? Reela. Set after Ray’s accident.

The song lyrics in the chapter are by Linkin Park, and they are “Leave Out All The Rest”

This first chapter is about what Neela has done since Ray’s accident and is set from her POV.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future - Lewis B. Smedes--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Thanks Haleh” Neela said with a smile as she made her way through the door to the lounge of Cook County General. It was three months after her accident and she had been back at work for a week, something that Neela was thankful for. She had been staying with Abby since the rally and even though she was a great friend and a shoulder to cry on when she was home, that didn’t stop Neela thinking when she was on her own all day, the only other human contact being the presenters of morning television programmes or Joe, who Neela knew would have a lot of stories to tell if he could repeat some of the days that he and Neela had shared together.

The first few weeks had mainly consisted of Neela resting and focusing on getting herself better, so she didn’t really have time to think about anything else. Or anyone else for that matter. But once she was strong enough that Abby was happy with letting her do a bit of light shopping or talking Joe to the park, that was when her mind had went on overdrive and she had sat thinking about the last time she had seen Ray and all of the things that they had said to each other and the things that she had wished she had said. Most days she would end up with Joe sitting on her lap as tears fell from her eyes and she would tell him about how she had messed up the one thing in her life that she had valued, Ray and her friendship with him.

The hardest thing that she had done since her accident in regards to Ray was telling Abby what had happened to him and that he had left after the rally. Abby had been ranting how inconsiderate Ray was how he wasn’t answering his phone and was probably out drunk somewhere or else hooking up with some girl. That was when Neela had broke, tears running down her face.

XXXX

“I can’t believe him, he won’t even answer his phone, and after what he did at my wedding!” Abby was furious at the fact that she had just tried calling Ray for the sixteenth time and he still hadn’t answered her call, letting it ring until it went to the answering machine, numerous messages telling him to get back there.

Neela clenched her fists at her sides as she tried to stop the tears from falling down her cheeks because even though Abby wasn’t looking at her, she didn’t think that she would deserve the comfort that she would no doubt bestow upon her, especially after what she had just done to Ray.

“Stop it Abby” Neela whispered meekly, although Abby didn’t hear and continued to pace the room, saying with an angered expression,

“He acts like an ass fighting with Gates, claiming he cares about you but he can’t even show up when you need him”

That had pushed Neela too far, for now she knew that Ray did more than cared for her, he had told her that he had fell in love with her, and thinking back to his hurt eyes and abused face as he uttered those words, Neela felt her resolve break as the tears slid down her cheeks and she shouted at Abby,

“Stop it! Stop saying that about him!” her already horse voice coming out even more so as she choked back a sob, looking up into Abby’s shocked face.

Walking over to Neela, Abby sat in the chair beside the bed as she looked up at her friend and said,

“Why, don’t you think he should be here, wouldn’t you be there for him if something happened, waiting to see him as soon as he woke up and tell him that it was going to be alright?”

Neela turned her head, her eyes sad and tired. Her voice back at it’s normal volume, Neela said,

“I wish I could have been”

“Could’ve been…what do you mean?” Abby asked with a confused expression masking her features.

Taking a deep breath, Neela fiddled subconsciously with the blanket that was covering her as he said in a quiet voice,

“There was an accident Abby…Ray got hurt, that’s why he can’t be here”

Abby felt worry and guilt consumer her at her previous words, and prayed that Ray was alright.

“What sort of accident, is he alright?” Abby asked as she looked at Neela, who was struggling with her own emotions.

“He was…after the wedding he…was hit by a truck” Neela stopped as she pulled in a breath, a few tears falling down her cheeks and onto her gown. “they had to-when I went to see him…both of his legs Abby” She looked at Abby with a gaze that was full of so much hurt and sorrow that Abby felt her own heart break for her friend, and moved so that she was sitting on the bed beside her.

“What happened…is he OK now?” Abby asked, hopeful that Ray was going to be just fine.

Shaking her head, more tears spilling as she did, Neela finally said,

“They had to amputate both of his legs Abby…and I wasn’t even there for him, he was alone…and now he’s gone”, Neela choked out between sobs before breaking down.

Abby pulled Neela into a hug, her arms gently running up and down her back as tears fell from her own eyes. She couldn’t believe what she had just heard, her heart breaking for Ray.

“It’ll be OK sweetie, it’ll be OK” Abby murmured to Neela as she cried.

XXXXNeela was snapped from her thoughts as the lounged opened and another figure entered, that figure being none other than Abby. Turning around she smiled at her friend as she said,

“You off yet?”

Shaking her head, Abby flopped down onto the couch, a cup of coffee in her hand, and replied,

“No, a few more hours to go. But I’ll see you later”

Neela nodded her head and said goodbye to Abby before leaving the ER and making her way to the EL station. She and Abby had decided that until she was working in the hospital for a few weeks, and recovered one hundred and ten percent for sure, that she would stay with Abby and Joe since Luka was gone.

Neela was finally home and was sitting in her room, having changed from her blue surgical scrubs to a pair of sweats and a grey sweatshirt. It was her favourite one because it smelt like Ray, a mixture of spice and mint, after it had gotten mixed in with his laundry one day and had stayed stuffed with his clothes for about a month. She hadn’t washed it once since she had gotten it back, and regretted even more that she hadn’t taken his t-shirt when he had offered it to her.

Lying back against the pillows, Neela remembered about the CD that Ray had given her on the night of the wedding, the one that she hadn’t dared to listen to, afraid that once she heard his voice she would start crying and would never stop again. She had been so touched when he had given it to her, telling her that he had wrote a song for her, and in true Ray fashion, leaving her to find out which one it was herself. Opening her bedside drawer, she pulled out the case and walked over to the small stereo in her room and popped the CD in, hitting “play” before she changed her mind and put it away again.

Sitting on the bed again, her knees pulled up, Neela gazed at the cover that Ray had made, smiling a sad smile as she looked at the picture and read the words, “love Ray”. Hearing the sound of the plastic disc as it spun around, Neela held her breath as a few notes played and suddenly Ray’s voice was in her room again, in her mind, and closing her eyes, she pictured him beside her.

I dreamed I was missingYou were so scaredBut no one would listenCause no one else cared

After my dreamingI woke with this fearWhat am I leavingWhen I'm done here

So if you're asking meI want you to know

She didn’t know if this was the song that Ray had meant, or if he had ever thought that such circumstances would lead her to listening to them with a heart wrenching pain in her chest at his words, but Neela didn’t care as she tried to remember every detail about him that she could as she drunk in his words.

When my time comesForget the wrong that I've doneHelp me leave behind someReasons to be missed

Neela smiled as his words evoked memories of their times as “roomies’ as Ray had dubbed them, came to mind, such as the first day she had moved in, Ray being dressed in a pair of tight jeans and a t-shirt, and even though she had found him so frustrating at that time, she still couldn’t deny that he was sexy. Of course it wasn’t long before memories of her leaving came to mind, making her lip quaver as she tried to hold back her tears.

Don't be afraidI've taken my beatingI've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surfaceNot all the way throughI've never been perfectBut neither have you

So if you're asking meI want you to know

The images of Zoë’s father and Tony fighting with Ray overlapped in her mind no matter how hard she tried to push them back. His eyes, so sad and hurt when she had told him that she was moving out, so explanation given other than, “I think we both know why”, and even then she had known that it wasn’t enough but she couldn’t bring herself to admit that she had fallen for him.

When my time comesForget the wrong that I've doneHelp me leave behind someReasons to be missed

Don't resent meAnd when you're feeling emptyKeep me in your memory

Leave out all the restLeave out all the rest

ForgettingAll the hurt insideYou've learned to hide so well

PretendingSomeone else can come and save me from myselfI can't be who you are

Wiping at tears, Neela looked over to her nightstand where a framed picture of her and Michael sat, the one that was taken from her wedding day. In front of it sat a picture of her and Ray that they had taken the last Christmas that they had shared an apartment. Ray had just got a new camera and decided that he wanted to try it out, even though neither of them where dressed. But still, Neela loved that picture because it showed how comfortable she had become with him and him with her that they could sit in their pyjamas, hair mussed up and eyes still tired, although the smile that shone on Ray’s face made him appear as though he had been awake longer. His smile was one of the things that Neela loved most about him, and a sad one graced her own face as she memorized the picture in her head.

When my time comesForget the wrong that I've doneHelp me leave behind someReasons to be missed

Don't resent meAnd when you're feeling emptyKeep me in your memory

Leave out all the restLeave out all the rest

ForgettingAll the hurt insideYou've learned to hide so well

PretendingSomeone else can come and save me from myselfI can't be who you areI can't be who you are

As the song finished, Neela wiped the tears from her eyes and walked over to the stereo, stopping the music. Walking out into the hall, she saw that Abby was just in.

“What’s wrong honey?” Abby asked as she walked over to Neela, noticing the red rimmed eyes and the tear streaks on her face.

“I need to get him better Abby” Neela said as she walked over to the kitchen and sat at the table with a notepad in front of her and began to write things down.

“Neela, you need to get yourself better” Abby replied in a soft voice as she sat down in the chair opposite.

Stopping what she was doing, Neela looked over at Abby as she said,

“I am better Abby, he’s not…I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most, he was always there for me…I’m nor going to lose him this time”

Placing her hand on top of Neela’s, Abby gave her friend an understanding smile as he said,

Title - A Giant Leap of Faith Summery - What happens if you just have to take a leap if faith, even if that leap takes you miles further than you think you can go? Reela. Set after Ray’s accident. Rating – T – Just to be safe Disclaimer – All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

His hands gripping onto the two bars, knuckles white and arms shaking, Ray gritted his teeth together to try and stop himself from crying out in pain as Tom, his physiotherapist, had his hand on his back and was encouraging him to take another step forward. It was nearly three months since the awful night when Ray had lost his legs after being hit by a truck, drunk and bitter after he had fought with Gates who had been with Neela in an intimate embrace just a short while after she had spoken to him. Taking a deep breath, he pushed his foot forward, pain lancing up his legs as he did. A few tears fell down his cheeks as he said in a choked voice,

“I need to stop”, the pain too unbearable to literally stand any longer. He had started these sessions only two weeks after arriving in the rehab centre in Baton Rouge, his case worker telling him that it was best to get started as soon as possible. He had come in leaps and bounds since then, Tom telling him that he was one of the most determined guys he had met in a long time. Although Ray didn’t care about that. He didn’t want to be that, he wanted to be back to the way he was. He just wished that he could go back to that night and even stay in the bar a few minutes longer, then maybe he wouldn’t have gotten hit by the truck and everything would be fine. Everything might have worked out and he wouldn’t be back in Baton Rouge having to learn to walk again.

“Are you sure you don’t want to try for one more step?” Tom tried encouraging him, feeling the tenseness of his body as he tried to hold himself up.

Shaking his head, Ray felt himself starting to slump forward slightly, his arms shaking under the strain of trying to hold himself up as he said in a strained voice,

“I can’t”

“O.K…but you did great today” Tom said as he helped him sit back in his wheelchair, the pain lessening slightly as he wasn’t standing anymore. His mother, Jacy, who had been watching the whole time, tears in her own eyes as she watched her son going through so much pain and suffering. Having a watch a child suffer was the worst thing that any parent could imagine, and Jacy would never wish it on anyone, not even her worst enemy. Walking over to Ray she handed him a bottle of water, which he took a grateful drink of, and stroked his cheek as she said,

“Tom’s right, you’re doing really well baby”

Shrugging his shoulders slightly, Ray didn’t even look at her as he said,

“So, like it matters anyway”, before pulling away from her and leaving the gym to go back to his own room, leaving a saddened and stunned Jacy behind.

Moving around his room in the chair, Ray didn’t turn around when he heard the sound of knocking on the door, knowing that it was his mother. He wasn’t in the mood for talking and was just fed up with everyone treating him like he was just a child.

“I know its hard Ray…but things will get easier” Jacy said as she sat down on the edge of Rays bed, watching as he fiddled with the few toiletries and other items that were sitting on the bedside table. Not looking at her, Ray shook his head as he said,

“That’s easy for you to say…you’re not the one actually doing it”

Standing up and moving so she was sitting in the chair facing Ray so that she could see his expression, Jacy said in a gentle tone,

“Ray, I know that after the accident just happened you were in shock and needed time to take everything in…but you’ve been doing so well, why stop now?”

Not looking at her, Ray said,

“I’m gonna get a shower”, completely ignoring Jacy’s question as he made his way into the adjoining bathroom.

It was a few hours later and Ray was sitting in his wheelchair by the window of his room. After he had gotten showered Jacy had tried to broach the subject of his recovery again and he had ignored her at every turn. Eventually she had kissed him on the cheek and said goodnight with a promise to visit the next day. He hated the fact that he was so dependent on her…that he couldn’t do things for himself like he was so used to.

Looking over at the cards that lay on the bedside table, get well soon and thinking of you written on them no doubt. They were from the staff at County; Ray knew that much as his mother had told him that when she brought them. But he hadn’t opened a single one. He didn’t want to read how sorry they felt for him…he didn’t want pity from them because he wasn’t like he had been. He just wanted to forget about everything. Not to have to think about the life that he had lost.

Leaning back in the chair, Ray remembered the day after the accident.

XXXXXXX

Jacy was sitting in the waiting room of the hospitals surgical floor, waiting on hearing news on Ray’s condition. She had been phoned as soon as he had been brought in and had been told that he was in a car accident and that she should come straight away. She had been blessed with luck and had gotten a plane twenty minutes later. She hadn’t seen Ray before he had went in for surgery, but had been told that there had been some complications and that was what was taking so long.

Sitting with her head in her hands, she heard a female voice calling her name and looked up to see the surgical nurse, clad in blue scrubs making her way over to her.

“Is he alright?” Jacy asked as she stood from her chair, seeing the surgeons wheeling the gurney out.

“Yes, he’s stable now…but I’m afraid that the damage to his legs was too severe” The woman said with a sympathetic look on her face. Looking at the nurse, Jacy asked with confusion,

“What do you mean?”

Placing a comforting hand on Jacy’s arm, the nurse replied with the same sympathetic tone,

“I’m afraid they had to amputate his legs”

Collapsing back into the chair, Jacy let tears fall down her face as she said in a strained voice just above a whisper,

“My poor baby”

It was the next morning and Jacy was sitting in the chair beside Ray’s bed, his hand in her own. He hadn’t woken up from the operation yet, and Jacy was afraid of how he was going to react when he found out what had happened. Looking at his face, a mass of cuts and bruises, she held back another set of tears, knowing that she had to be strong for him.

Hearing him groan slightly, his eyes fluttering open, Jacy stood from her seated position and looked down at Ray as he opened his eyes, groggy with the medication and trauma he had been through. Looking around the room, Ray said,

“What happened?” wondering where he was. The last thing he could remember was leaving the bar and looking at his phone to see that Neela had been trying to call him…and then the truck had came.

“You were in a accident sweetie” Jacy said, seeing the scared look on her sons face as he tried to take in what had happened.

Still unaware of his current condition and what had actually happened, the phantom pain in his legs making him think that he still had them, that they hadn’t in fact been amputated due to the severe crush injuries he had sustained,

“I dropped my phone and then the truck came…” Ray groaned again in pain as he said,

“My legs hurt…” looking at Jacy, worry, fear and confusion overwhelming him as a few tears fell down her cheeks. What was wrong that she was crying?

“What’s wrong?” Ray asked with a shake in his voice, feeling Jacy grip his hand tighter as she took a deep breath before saying.

“Ray…honey, when you were hit by the truck…your legs were badly hurt and the…the doctors they tried to do everything…”

For the first time since he had woken up, Ray looked down at were his legs where…or at least where they should have been…seeing the terrible outcome of the night before. Shaking his head, Ray felt the tears falling down his cheeks, his breath coming out in gasping sobs as he said,

“No…they didn’t, they can’t have…mom”

Pulling Ray to her, Jacy sat on the side of the bed, rocking him back and forth as he cried, his face buried in her shoulder and his arms holing onto her as if she was a lifeline.

They had stayed like that for nearly an hour, Jacy trying as hard as she could to comfort her son, telling him that it was going to be alright even though she didn’t know if it was.XXXXXXX

“Ray”

Wiping away the tears that had fell from his eyes; Ray turned his head to see his mother standing at the door again, a look of apprehension on her face. He wasn’t in the mood for another pep talk; all he wanted to do was rest after a long day of physiotherapy.

“You have a visitor” She said, a nervous smile appearing on her face.

Brow furrowing, Ray turned his wheelchair around, wondering who it could be. The few of his old college friends that still lived in Baton Rouge he hadn’t told about his accident, so unless his mother had he was certain that it wasn’t one of them. Or maybe it was a cousin or grandparent that wanted to visit, although Ray wasn’t quite so sure.

“Who?” He asked, admittedly nervous. He hated people seeing him the way he was, broken and a shell of what he used to be, so the idea of an unexpected and uninvited visitor was slightly aggravating.

Moving out of the way, Jacy let Neela step forward, the same look of apprehension on her face as she looked at Ray and said,

Title - A Giant Leap of Faith Summery - What happens if you just have to take a leap if faith, even if that leap takes you miles further than you think you can go? Reela. Set after Ray’s accident. Rating – T – Just to be safe Disclaimer – All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

He couldn’t believe that she was here, that she had actually come. She had told him in the hospital the day that he had left to come home that she was going to visit and he had told her not to. But still, she was here. And he didn’t know how he felt about that. He hadn’t taken his eyes off her, but his face didn’t show how he was feeling at all, unnerving Neela and making her question if she should have just shown up here unannounced.

“I’ll let you two talk” Jacy whispered to Neela with her hand lightly on her arm, offering her a small, encouraging smile before walking back down the hall.

Wringing her hands together, not sure what to do as Ray still hadn’t said anything to her yet, Neela asked in a soft voice,

“Can I come in?”

Nodding his head slightly, Ray watched as she walked into the room and sat down on the chair beside his bed, her hands folded neatly in her lap. Turning his gaze away from her for the first time since he had seen her, noticing that she had glanced down at his legs, Ray turned his chair so that his back was to her, hating her seeing him the way he was. He knew that she had seen him the day that he had left for Baton Rouge, his face a mess of cuts and bruises, but this was worse. At least he had been doped up on medication that day and couldn’t remember exactly the way that she looked at him and the pity that had been in her eyes. But this time he wasn’t, and he knew that he would remember that look that had just crossed over her face, a look of pity and sympathy, for as long as he lived.

“Why did you come here?” Ray asked in a quiet voice, looking at his hands in his lap, seeing them shaking. His tone wasn’t angry or cold, but soft and hurt, and this confused and saddened Neela, knowing that he was so broken and lost.

“Because I said I would” She replied simply, wanting him to know that what she had said that day she was going to do. Just like she had said she would visit him she was also coming to make sure that he got through this, no matter what it took.

“I guess I just didn’t think you would” Ray said in the same tone, Neela trying to see if she could see his face to get a better idea on how he was feeling at the moment. She would have moved to the chair beside his, but she didn’t want to push things right away, knowing that he needed his space. The day he had left hadn’t been a highlight in their friendship…as low as it had sunk over the past year since Neela had moved out, but she didn’t want to push him and ruin it any further.

“Why would you think that?” Neela asked, expecting and prepared for him to yell and scream at her, tell her how she had chosen Gates over him so many times and he was through with her. But he just shrugged his shoulders lightly and shook his head.

Not knowing what to say, Neela let her gaze travel around the room. Her eyes stopped whenever she saw the pile of unopened cards of the bedside table, knowing exactly who they were from as she was the one who had helped Abby send them to Ray just one week after he had left for Louisiana.

“You didn’t open them” Neela said aloud, looking at Ray to see what he would do. When he didn’t answer, Neela got up from her seat and moved into the one next to Ray at the window, angling her face so she could read his expression. Her heart broke when she saw the pain reflected from her eyes, and she couldn’t help but feel guilty for causing some of it. Placing her hand gently on his arm, feeling him tense up slightly, Neela said in a soft voice,

“Ray”

Looking at her, Ray said,

“What, open them up and see that they all say the same fucking thing…that they’re sorry…I’m fed up with everyone saying they’re sorry” Turning his face away from her, he added softly, just above a whisper, “I’m just fed up”

Moving her hand down his hand and to his hand, Neela gave it a tight squeeze as she said,

“They just miss you and want you to get better”, and was glad when he didn’t pull his hand away from hers, but curled his fingers lightly around her own hand.

Nodding his head, Ray looked out the window again, Neela doing the same. She was happy to sit with him if that was what he wanted. And when he was ready to talk she would be there for him, but she wasn’t going to push him.

It was two hours later and Neela was in the adjoining bathroom. Fixing herself in the mirror, she turned off the light before walking back into Ray’s room. She was surprised that he wasn’t sitting at the window anymore, but instead was sitting by the bedside table, the pile of cards in his lap.

Walking over and sitting on the bed, Neela looked at him as she said,

“Are you going to open them?”

Shrugging his shoulders, still undecided, Ray looked up at her as he said,

“I want to…but I can’t, not yet” Before setting them in the drawer and closing it. Neela, who hadn’t taken her eyes off him since she sat down, reached her hand out and touched his cheek, the side of his face where the majority of the abrasions had been, running her thumb over his cheekbone lightly.

Closing his eyes at her touch, Ray leaned his face into her touch before saying in a whisper,