Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Decisions...Decisions

Today was one of the hardest days I have experienced so far in my life so far. I had to make a decision for Kelly to either try and get her up to her chemo appointment or to let her rest in peace at home and to start the ball rolling in asking for help and the services of Hospice.

A little background as to how this came about. Last Friday, we went to our normal brain chemo appointment. Kelly’s mom and I both noticed how difficult it was becoming to transport Kelly to and from San Jose for her appointments. The anxiety, pain & suffering it was causing Kelly was hard to watch. When we sat down with the Dr that day, we had a conversation about continuing treatment. I made it a point to ask Kelly in front of the Dr If she really wanted to continue with this plan and that we were all ok with her decision either way. She expressed that she still wanted to continue the plan of receiving chemo for at least one more full treatment. This put me at ease knowing that even though it was so hard to get her to the appointments that she still wanted to try and fight. As a husband, this is the kind of spirit that always made me feel so good.

Unfortunately, over the weekend things started to change. Kelly started to become less mobile with her upper body and her strength started to decrease. She had become more and more displaced and very confused at times. She started to be in more and more pain and was very repetitive in the things she would say and ask for. By Sunday it became hard to get her out of the bed and when I did get her up, the pain was so severe she asked demanded to go back right away. This made me sad, depressed anxious, you name it. To see her get worse right before my very eyes was so treacherous. She did not want to eat or drink much either. That takes us to today. I got her up with every intention of taking her to her chemo today, or at least give it a try. Because she was so weak it just made it impossible. She was also running a fever of 100.4 which meant they probably would not give her chemo anyway. I asked Kelly what she wanted to do. In a soft whisper voice she said she still wanted to go. I expressed to her that it was ok to take a break from the chemo and that her body was so wore out I did not think it was such a good idea. She then agreed and said that I was right and she really did not want to go. Although I wanted to whisk her up there I knew that this was the best decision for Kelly. She has been through so much and her body is just starting to say “Time Out”!

After a while I called the Dr and had a conversation about the situation. The Doctor agreed that if Kelly’s symptoms of confusion, lack of mobility, loss of coordination, extreme headache and body pain, fever were all increasing, Chemo Therapy would not be the best solution at this time. She also felt that these are all signs that the cancer is just progressing and not the medications causing the problems. I also asked the Doctor some questions that they always avoid and I pretty much got the answers I was looking for. She agreed that Kelly’s long term prognosis was not very good based on how fast and aggressive this cancer is spreading. The next thing I did was get in touch with Heartland Hospice on the phone because the Doctor felt they would be our best resource at this time. After talking with Hospice on the phone I felt better knowing that by them coming out to help, it does not mean the end and that hope is gone. They are just here to help Kelly be more comfortable and to help us manage her pain more effectively. They also let me know that if Kelly does start to get better she could always cancel the Hospice service and go back to treatment options.

It was a long rough day but it feels good to write to everyone. Kelly is very scared right now and is having thoughts that because Hospice is going to help us that her life is nearing an end. I keep telling her that that is not the case and we just want her to be in some comfort and the pain she is experiencing is not ok. I believe she is starting to accept that things are not going the way we would like but that it’s not over till it’s over. I feel the same way. The best way to put it is, you prepare for the worst, you hope for the best. More importantly we are cherishing every second that we have with Kelly. Living in the moment is really the only way to get everything that life has to offer. I know we all have our problems and issues but if we just take a step back and realize what’s truly, truly important in life, it’s amazing how you can be changed. I know that this experience has changed my perspective in so many ways, and I take nothing for granted. So please for me, after you are done reading this blog, go out hug your wife or your husband or your significant other, your children and tell them how much you love them and how important they are in your life. Our lives can change so quickly, life is so fragile, your heart can be ripped from your chest and your world could be turned upside down in a blink of an eye, so again take nothing for granted. That’s enough preaching for now; I know you are all not reading this for advice on how to live your life, just sharing from my point of view.

Please continue to pray for Kelly and for god to give her strength and to find peace in whatever comes next in her life. God bless everyone and thank you for continuing to read share our story, I pray that Kelly’s life will have touched so many people and changed everyone for the better, I know she has done that for me. Thank you to all the DBOM ladies for the wonderful surprise from the Omaha Foods. That brought a big smile to Kellys face when she saw those boxes on our door. God bless you all!

Manny and Kelly, You are both very amazing people. The strength you guys have is beyond words. So is the obvious love you both have for each other. You guys are always in my thoughts and in my heart. I will definetly be sending more prayers your way. Thanks for keeping up the blog and giving the updates on Kelly. I hope that with the help of Hospice, Kelly can be more comfortable and it will help you too. Please let Kelly know that we are all thinking of you both daily. Lots of love coming from Ohio!

Thank you for updating, Manny. Todd and I read the blog every week (and check every day) and we are continually praying for both of you every single day. You are both so incredible and so strong and we are hoping for the best. You are both in our thoughts.-Lisa & Todd

I have visions of Kelly singing PYT at the top of her lungs and dancing so freely. She really has a spirit about her that is so unique and just makes you smile. It breaks my heart to know how much pain she is in.Thank you Manny for being so great and keeping the blog updated. Tell her we are all thinking of her and to keep fighting....In my thoughts always XOXO

I wish I could see her and tell her in person that she is my hero-that she is so beautiful and powerful-her roaring laughter fills the room and her silly sweet humor keeps me smiling. I would hold and hug her and play her favorite songs.

When I've been by your home recently there is a blessed and healing energy that only a family and husband like Kelly's could create. Your home is filled with so much love!

Manny, thank you for taking such loving care of her, you are such a wonderful person. May you and Kelly feel the love and light all around and within every moment!

Please know we are here anytime you need some rest, please do not hesitate to call me so I can be by Kelly's side and hold her hand and smile with her.

While I have never had the pleasure of meeting Kelly, I felt like I have known her for years. Her personality just oozed from her blog posts with her positive attitude while faced with something she had no control over, has truly humbled me. There are people who touch us in our lives, whether we have known them for years or through the voice of a blog. If I am ever faced with such a situation as Kelly, I can only hope I have as much grace as she has shown me.

You are amazing people! Don't second guess your decisions. Hospice will help you cope with seeing Kelly in such agony. Everyone that has grown up here in Hollister, knows your families, and are keeping you in our prayers and thoughts daily. God bless you both! The Cuneo Family

From a fellow relative of someone who has had cancer in their families, I was given this link for you as they swear by them...thought I'd share and wish there was more I could do: http://www.leonardis-klinik.de/cms/downloads/documents/pdf/leonardis_klinik_flyer_en.pdf

I will be there tomorrow at the Vault to support Kelly and family. God bless-Yvonne

Beautiful post Manny. Thank you once again for sharing this incredible journey with those of us who care so much. It sounds like you made just the right decision for Kelly and she is so blessed to have you by her side. Continuous love and prayers coming your way. ~Sue

Manny you are amazing and I appreciate getting updates on how you both or doing. I can totally see why Kelly fell in love with you and you with her. Stay strong and take comfort in the love that is so evident by these posts, your love story and respect for each other. It's such a special thing. We could all learn so much from you both. Lots of prayers coming from our family.

You both are amzing and strong people. I cant even imagine what you are experiencing at this time, the pain, the emotions, everything. Remember there are so many people out here praying for you both, whatever decisions are made are for the best for kelly. She is a fighter and I know she will keep fighting till she can fight no more. Please let her know she is in my thoughts and prayers everyday. Manny what you said about never take anything for granted, That is so true you never know what each day is going to bring you, make sure the people around you know how much you love and appreciate them. Please continue to keep us updated on what is happening I look forward everyday to reading these updates...xoxoxox

My Dear Friends - Kelly and Manny,I want you to know how very loved you are. You and all of your family are in my thougths and prayers all day everyday!!! Don't stop beleiving in miricles; your unwavering courage is so inspiring!!Love from the bottom of my heart - Jayme

I am one of those people that have been touched by Kelly and her fight to live. But Manny, I have also been touched by your incredible loving spirit and your commitment to Kelly. Having had a mother who battled breast cancer, there were many times that we asked her when is enough...enough?Once you feel that the disease is progressing so quickly that chemo is no longer doing the battle..the main thing is that Kelly no longer endure pain. She deserves that after the battle she had endured. And you do to Manny...it must be agonizing to see her in such pain.Life is so short, so precious...but for the two of you to have found such true love and commitment is a gift from god.

Manny & Kelly,My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are both amazing. You are right Manny...about taking nothing for granted in this life. Every day really is a gift. I pray for love and peace to fill your every moment together! Julie Neff

Manny & Kelly,I pray every single second I can for the two of you. Thank you for the updates Manny. Life can change in a heart beat and we have to take advantage of every second we have with those we love. My love goes out to you both. Angelica Castillo

Manny & Kelly,My heart goes you to you guys. My grandmother has stage 4 cancer that has spread through out her body. It's the hardest thing to watch one of your family members go through this. I have high hopes for you Kelly and all I can say is "Stay Strong".

Manny,Thank you for keeping us up on what is going on with Kelly. She's such a great person, it truly breaks my heart to see what you and the family are going through. Even though Carlos & I are not there physically holding Kelly, we hold her in our hearts. Both of you are - and will always be - a great inspiration. Even though you don't know us very well, know that we care for the both of you very much.Alice Oliveira

Manny:You have the will and amazing strength that very few posess.We love you both very much and are here for you.Maybe you should do some of your "old school" rap for Kelly, omg, I have a pic of you, hat flipped to the side,remember!Love Always,cousin Lisa and Heather

We've known each other about 25 years now I think. A lot has happened, but we both apparently got married to wonderful women this last summer.

I've been asking about you constantly since I heard about Kelly when I came home last summer for my wedding, but just found the blog last night. I don't cry very often. Lost two friends in Afghanistan in 2007 and that was probably the last time until I read this blog last night.

I wish there was something I could say other than to just hold on with everything you've got.

You've got a wonderful wife, and she inspires me and my wife, Paulette. I hope I'd have as much courage and strength if this happened to me. And I'm proud of you, everything you've accomplished, and how strong you are in this. It's overwhelming and you are both doing better than any rational person could expect.

Hello! I'm Donald's wife Paulette. I guess we got married right around the same time...2009 was a good year for weddings. :)

I am currently in an "undisclosed location" right now but Donald sent me a link to your blog. It really moved me...I am so glad you are fighting it out Kelly. Your optimism and spirit leap from your posts. You good attitude is infectious. :) I hope if your situation happens to me I am as positive as you are (the big C pops up in family too...brain and breast).

Manny, you are such a great husband. You are so strong and supportive...I know Donald would be the same way.

May she finally have peace and wellness. I pray for strength for you and your family. She made me realize not to sweat the small stuff and to appreciate all I have. I will miss her writing. God Bless you.

God Bless you both. This is truly a time "when it sucks to be us - the ones left behind". We know she is happy, in a better place. But it's so hard to be us, with such an empty place left in our hearts and souls. Be patient with yourself - you have done great work. This is part of my poem to Chris - What would you say to me - What would you say to me?That you're sorry for my pain, There'll be sunshine through the rain; You saw Jesus just today, What is it you would say?Know that we love you and are praying for you.Mike and Bette

Manny,I guess there's not much anyone can say right now to make anything better other than I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for your loss. You and both of your families are in my thoughts during this time. Kelly is in a better place now and no longer suffering. I'm so sorry again.Allison Fahy

Kelly was soo lucky to have you, both of you are incredible people and showed others what true marriage is about. Kelly was an amazing fighter! My heart felt condolences to you and your family. Kelly is in a better place and is now eveyone's guardian angel, she will always be with us. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the rest of the family <3

She fought so hard. I thought she would beat this. It's just so sad and unbelievable. My heart aches, I can't stop crying and we were "just" friends. I can not imagine how difficult and painful that this must be for you, Manny and your families. I know from experience that time does heal, as impossible at that seems right now. I will continue to keep all of you in my prayers.xoxo,~Sue

She was someone I never met, but someone I always knew. She was someone who made the world bright, in all that she went through. She got the awful cancer, and battled with all her might, Kelly was so brave, and strong, she taught me how to fight. I thank you for allowing me into your life. For that I am a better friend, mother, and wife.

I had heard Kellys story, but nothing compares to reading what she went through in her own words. As I sit here crying and wondering why, I am thinking of everyone she touched in her life. I am currently registered to run the Susan G Komen For the Cure 5k in September, and if it is ok with her family I would be honored to run in memory of Kelly. To her family, no words can express my deep sympathy and to Manny, you have truly lived your vows, you are a great man, and a great husband- you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless you at this time of loss. May God give you the strength to keep you going each and everyday. I don't know either of you, but reading your blogs made me feel as if I have. I have felt many emotions I forgot about. And I thank you for that. Prayers are with you.

Kelly - I will always have the best memory of you dancing around my living room in your cowboy hat as we sang at the top of our lungs to the Dixie Chicks. I love you, miss you, and will NEVER forget you!Manny - a poem someone gave us when my sister passed and it always rang true..."To us a flower was lent, not given, to bud on earth and bloom in heaven". My heart aches for what you must be going through.Love Emily Alnas

Another angel received her wings...but far too soon. Manny and family I am so sorry for your loss. I never had the opportunity to meet Kelly but her blog, her determination and her fight to live has been such an inspiration to me.My daughter is Kelly's age and I cannot even imagine the pain you all have gone thru, and are going thru now.I am walking in the Hollister Relay for life, and a Making Strides Againest Breast Cancer in October. For our mothers, daughters and sisters...we need to find a cure.My prayers are with you and your family.Tammy ~

If you think you have troubles, If you think you have woes, Are you sure you know tragic, Have YOU had to let go?

What if you were 30 and knew you would dieOr you were the mate saying goodbye. One year of marriage and you fight the good fightGod has a plan - but it just can't be right.

How could it be His plan, He's here to protect, But, then, there is nature, And it's not perfect.

Nature teases and treats us with beautiful skies.And birds and the bees and the eagle that flies. Then nature burns and it bruises, it hurts and it kills, And we're left againWorking to love and to heal.

Life's a perfect circle, It's sad but it's true, If you're ever way up, You'll be just as blue.

The best is the middle,It’s filled with life and love.I'll take that for sure, And thank God for bonus moments above.

Please, all my friends, here and away, Pray for my loved ones tonight and each day. Their pain and their grief is so deep and personal, Send your them your love.......

Your loss is truly God's gain. You and Kelly are an inspiration to anyone who has followed your story. I am so sorry you lost a such a beautiful person and am sure she will live within your heart eternally.

Manny, You have shown us all what the true meaning of love is and what it is to be a supporting husband. I am so sorry for your loss. She was a remarkable woman with an amazing family. May God help you to make it through the rest of your journey.

I had never personally met Kelly but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I just recently went through a loss myself. My fiancee's grandmother lost her battle with cancer last week. Cancer is an awful disease and we need to find a cure for it. I just wanted to share this poem with you and your family and hopefully it gives you a little bit of comfort....

Manny, I couldn't believe I was reading about Kelly's passing on the blog. As you said " you hope for the best and plan for the worst." I am so sorry for you and Kelly's family, she touched so many people through this blog, and she did inspire us, we all are going to miss her so much. Kathleen

I found this blog through thebump/theknot. I am so sorry for your loss. Truly truly sorry. Your blog has shown me the meaning of "until death do us part". Manny you are a marvelous husband & I am so very sorry that your wife is gone. My thoughts & prayers are with you during this time.

Nowadays in these days of instant divorce the wedding ceremony is just a prelude to a party. YOU, Manny Freitas has restored my faith in men. You, when you married Kelly, made VOWS, which most men don't these days. "Through sickness and health" you didn't cut your losses and leave like most men would. You are a man of honor and integrity. I don't know you are didn't know Kelly, but this I know, she was blessed to have you by her side.May God Bless you and your family and Kelly's family.I am very sorry for your loss.

Manny,I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I have known Kelly since Sacred Heart and she is/was such a wonderful friend. I will always remember her smile that she had no matter how her day was going. I will keep you and your family in my prayers you where such a good husband sorry you didn't have more time together.With Love,Krystal Vasquez

HEAVEN'S GAINED ANOTHER ANGEL TO GIVE WINGS TO. I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSE.I KNOW IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE BUT TIME HEALS.THERE ISN'T MUCH TO SAY BUT I'M TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSE. KELLY WAS A WONDERFUL PERSON AS YOU ARE TOO.I DIDN'T EVER SEE EITHER ONE OF YOU GUYS WITHOUT A SMILE. SO TRY TO KEEP SMILEING.SO, REMEMBER A RAINBOW UPSIDE DOWN IS A SMILE,SO EVERYTIME U SEE A RAINBOW KELLY IS HERE, THERE OR SOMEWHERE ARROUND. TRY TO REMEMBER ALL THE HAPPY TIMES.

I remember Kelly since she was a little girl at Sacred Heart. She was always so bubbly and happy. I can't remember a time when she didn't smile. I cannot even fathom your loss, but I am so glad you have such a strong sense of self and family to guide you. Truly you were meant for Kelly in every way: to guide her, be her caretaker, and her best friend. I will never forget her strength or her life and I will carry that with me throughout mine.

Manny, we never had the great opportunity to meet Kelly. We have known your family and Kelly's forever. In reading the blogs, what an amazing story. God will be with you always for being such a great person as well as husband. What an absolute inspiration Kelly seemed to be. My heart aches for you and her family, however she is out of her devasting pain and you will meet again.

Kelly you were an inspiration to me! You were a fighter!!!! Your story has made me a better daughter, sister, wife and mother. I followed your blog the entire time. Manny, may you find comfort in the memories you and Kelly made and know that she is now resting in peace. All my love to you and your family.

I have met Kelly over the years and know her families. I learned of her passing this morning while reading the paper; my heart felt heavy as I realized the loss her family must be feeling, but found strength in the fact that she is soaring with the angels in heaven and this battle is behind her.SVL

My heart is heavy. I believe I only met Kelly once, at Julie's bachelorette party, but reading her blog gave me perspective and an appreciation of life and family. She was an inspiring woman, and Manny, you are a man like no other. Please know that you and your families are in my thoughts often and I pray you are all comforted in knowing she is no longer suffering here on Earth, but now thriving in God's Kingdom. My love to you all.

I met Kelly in the golf clinic that was held at San Juan Oaks. We all had the opportunity to share stories of why we were there and why we wanted to be better. Your wife and you were an inspiration to all ofus. Bill and I wish to express our prayers and for you and your family in this grieving period. She was so blessed to have you in your life. Our prayers are with you

Post a Comment

About Me

My name is Kelly Freitas, I recently married my true love, Manny. After returning home from our honeymoon we found out I had triple negative, stage 3 breast cancer. The tumor was said to be the size of a lemon. This blog was created to keep anyone who is interested in "the know" of our journey through this time. Please visit often, make comments and hopefully get inspired.