About Me

Monday, March 30, 2009

Man Killed by Pet Spider:"His black widow, Bettina, is believed to have administered the deadly bite."

Okay.

Woman killed by pet 13-foot python:"Police said the 25-year-old woman died from asphyxiation. They found the python in the bedroom and described it as agitated."

Hmm. Agitated. Alright.

Family Blown Up by Domesticated Ticking Time Bomb:"Their father insisted the ticking was just the bomb's way of expressing love."

Oh wait. I made that last one up.

Why is it news when people's deadly animal pets kill them? As far as I am concerned, the minute you decided you are going to make 'friends' with a 13-foot python, every moment you are alive is news - not the part where the man-eating reptile eats a man.

The real shocker here is that in most of these cases, the offending animal is punished for doing what's natural. Take the chimp who recently (tragically) mauled the best friend of a woman who "raised the chimp as her own son." That's what a bunch of different articles said. "Raised the chimp as her own son." Um. WHAT? In my house, I have a chainsaw. I love this chainsaw. I've had it since it was a brand new chainsaw - I store in in a cool, dry place, and whenever it's needed, I oil it and give it proper maintenance. If I ever put the chainsaw next to my friend's face and turn the power on, it is going to rip my friend's face into a million pieces. BUT WHY WOULD IT DO THAT AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR IT? Oh, because it's a chainsaw. Not my son. And one thing I forgot to mention. I don't really own a chainsaw. Because those things are dangerous killers.

Recently I was watching a report on that awful chimp story that included an audio clip of the 9-1-1 call, and this part struck me as utterly confusing.

She says "My chimpanzee!" like having one is the most natural thing in the world. As if the dispatch guy is not supposed to be like "You have a chimpanzee in your house?! WHAT? WHY?!!" Who the fuck do we think we are? Chimps rip faces off. That's what they do. Don't expect them to change because you designed your condo with a soft color palette.

It's like that fable about the scorpion and the frog. The frog lets the scorpion ride on his back to cross the river, and the scorpion stings him anyway, drowning them both, because he says it's in his nature. The only difference here is that in that story, it made sense for the frog to trust the scorpion. There is no reason to believe a black widow will feel like it "needs you" in any way. If you do, you are dumber than a fictional frog. Congratulations.

I love this line in the python story. "They found the python in the bedroom and described it as agitated." How about, "they described it as a python." That's enough to scare the shit out of me. And it should have been enough for this lady. No offense.

I am fondly remembering Steve Irwin as I write this.I am feeling guilty for laughing at that clip.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

When you really love something you find on the Internets, it can never have enough views to satisfy you. Unless your favorite video features a happy baby, a contentious baby, or a guy doing dance moves you "totally remember (!)" chances are most people haven't seen it. Case in point...the Bah Lady.

The original Bah lady has about 580,000 views after two and a half years online. If it were a TV show, it would be canceled. I defy you to tell me you've ever laughed as hard at The Big Bang Theory as you have at this miraculous confluence of amazingness. Quick back-story: Xbox made a commercial that featured a bunch of people in a train station pulling out guns on each other - but the "guns" were just their hands pointed as guns. Eventually they all unloaded, yeling "bang, bang!" in a huge shoot-em-up scene that was actually pretty cool. Later, an audition tape made it online. It supposedly takes place in Argentina and is seriously brilliant. Bah!

I know. I know. Bah. The screaming. The Bah-ing. The part where she's not even holding a gun anymore, just pounding her fists. The fact that she decides her character wouldn't go down if she was shot. She'd just continue unloading Scarface-style on this unforgiving world until every last "bah" has been released from the chamber. The chamber in her mind.

No offense to my grandma, but I wish this was my grandma. Instead, I have to settle for all the time I get to spend with her online. FOR EXAMPLE! This:

And this!:

Thank you SO SO much, web nerds. Bah is the new "blah." I can't stop saying it. I dropped my favorite double-walled espresso glass? Bah! I admitted having a favorite double-walled espresso glass? BAH! I'm at Benihana and the guy scared me by throwing a shrimp tail in my lap? BAH!!! But a happy bah. It really works for any occasion. Try it. Let me know. Bah. And just to show these other web nerds with eyes for true art didn't waste their valuable time (seriously these people probably make like a grand a day then go home and do this), watch these other tributes to the Bah Lady. You won't regret it.

Bahbaranne: http://bahbaraann.ytmnd.com/

She Could...Bah...All...the...BAH!: http://bahnfl.ytmnd.com/

iBah: http://bahipod.ytmnd.com/

Captain Ob(ah)vious: http://bahsheep.ytmnd.com/

Nerd Synergy: http://theempirestrikesbah.ytmnd.com/

The miracle of Bah makes it incumbent upon you to share these with the world. Spread it around. Bah.

If you're a real hardcore fan, here's a music video she was in. Really. It's sans Bah, but I still love her in it: