What It's Like To Live With An Extreme Version Of OCD

It's one thing to have weird thoughts every now and then. But what if you were bombarded with them all the time? That was the case for Laura Donovan, 27, a writer who lives in Los Angeles and has spent most of her life unable to push upsetting thoughts out of her mind. Laura has Pure-O, a rare form of OCD. This is her story.

I was 6 or 7 the very first time I had an intrusive, unwanted thought. I remember seeing a baby and thinking, "What if I drop the baby? What if I hurt the baby because I could?" Next came terrible thoughts like, "I am a bad person because I could think something like that." If I were near a flight of stairs, I couldn't stop thinking about the possibility of pushing another person to the bottom. Though I wasn't suicidal, I spent all of fifth grade obsessing over the question "What if I killed myself?" and frequently tossed and turned at night thinking about the possibility.

At first I didn't tell anyone about these violent thoughts, which had started happening all the time. The summer before high school, I told my dad—who died of cancer before I started college—and it scared him. He did a little research and thought I might have schizophrenia. But he couldn't figure out what it was for sure. As far as I knew, it was a mystery that wouldn't be solved.

And then for some reason, the violent thoughts went away for a while. But 2 years ago, they came back when I met my boyfriend, who is now my fiancé. I don't know why, but I suspect that your vulnerabilities come out when you get close to someone.

I started thinking about what would happen if I hurt him. It would keep me up at night. I knew I had to tell him, but I was really scared of losing him. When I finally said, "I'm having these horrible thoughts and I can't control them," I don't think he fully understood what I was saying. We kept talking about it and, more than anything, it seemed to annoy him. He kept saying, "I'm hearing about the same thing over and over again."

I knew I needed to get help. Right after Thanksgiving this year, I decided to try therapy. I went for 5 months, but here's the thing: I never brought my worst thoughts up with my therapist. If you tell a therapist you might hurt someone or yourself, they'll report it. I was afraid that I might be reported to the police. I was worried I'd be locked up.
The Turnaround

Laura Donovan/Facebook

One day I had a breakthrough when I happened to stumble upon a story about intrusive thoughts. I found out that what I have is called Pure Obsessional, or Pure-O, an extreme and uncommon form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Suddenly a world opened up. I learned that there were a lot of people who had it, just like me. I also started thinking about my family history. I think my father might have had OCD, and there is depression, anxiety, and mental illness in my family.

It wasn't a shock to learn that I have this form of OCD, as I've displayed other symptoms of it my entire life. For example, as a kid, I refused to eat at restaurants if there was gum underneath the table. These days, I avoid eating on soft surfaces such as booths and cushy chairs because crumbs accumulate in the crevices, and this disgusts me to no end.

Just knowing I wasn't alone made a huge difference. Knowing that other people have these secret thoughts made me feel validated—enough that I was soon able to silence them. Now I'll have an intrusive thought and move forward instead of fixating on it. In the past, these thoughts would have ruined days and vacations.

I also learned to focus on something else if have extreme thoughts. I go running, or I distract myself with work or other activities. What also helped was that I discovered a website called Intrusive Thoughts and a private Facebook page for people with Pure-O. Simply being understood is a therapy unto itself.

Laura Donovan/Facebook

As for my fiancé, he has stayed with me and I'm so grateful. In fact, now that he's read the Pure-O literature, he's relieved that I finally know what's been wrong all these years. He's a wonderful person and has been so understanding.

Ultimately, I want to help other people who have Pure-O. I learned about it by accident because someone was brave enough to write about it. When I ended up writing about it online, people reached out to me on Twitter to say thank you. They said things like, "Now I finally feel like I'm not crazy!" I know exactly how they feel.

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