Ms. Clinton uses the only mobile device she has ever owned that was not destroyed by hammers, in an attempt to defend herself from sniper fire from the corners of a Congressional hearing room.

NEW YORK -- A desperate nation was reassured to find that Hillary Clinton's apparent stumble and collapse after developing heat exhaustion on a mild late-summer afternoon here, was a one-off event. The Clinton campaign is taking steps to ensure that it will never happen again, and with the utmost of transparency, is addressing mistakes that may or may not have been made — such as allowing cellphones in the vicinity that recorded the swoon and required a denial in the first place.

The Clinton campaign explained that its inevitable, likable, and trustworthy candidate — not to mention healthy as a horse — was a victim of dehydration, as she doggedly refuses to take a sip of Perrier until all the nation's crises are completely solved.

The team explained that the malady was a rare form of bacterial pneumonia that is not contagious, meaning that neither Hillary's two-year-old granddaughter, nor an 11-year-old schoolgirl who gave a scripted hug to one of Ms. Clinton's cankles, are at risk of infection.

Husband Bill Clinton went on CBS to claim that the once-in-a-lifetime seizure, which has happened "frequently — no, rarely," has nothing to do with her inability to remember anything under last month's FBI investigation that was not recorded nor transcribed, nor with being indisposed to testify before Congress, nor experiencing total disorientation on the stump last week. There were no jerky movements nor bizarre facial expressions. CBS edited the tape before airing it on the Evening News, though unfortunately for Mr. Clinton, as a mere former President, he was not entitled to a second do-over. Later, though, Mr. Clinton said it was a mild case of the flu, something anyone at all could get.

Hillary is seen in the video stumbling, collapsing, and losing her right shoe, the shoddy work of some cobbler that caused the entire episode, before handlers shoved her into a limousine that had not been waiting for her, like a carcass of beef (except that you would want to eat the beef). She was whisked, not to a hospital Emergency Room, but to the E.R. in daughter Chelsea's apartment.

Later, while this worried nation wondered how Ms. Clinton can take that proverbial phone call at 3 a.m. when no one knows where she is, she was snuck up to Chappaqua, where in addition to the entire Department of State nerve center, she has an Operating Room. Doctors sworn to loyalty attempted to pump her up for the campaign's final grueling two months, preparing for the possibility that she might even have to start campaigning on weekends.

The tirelessly open and straightforward campaign announced that complete medical details of the "episode" will be tweeted out in "a few days," allowing time for them to be focus-group tested before a panel of likely voters.

For his part, Donald Trump continued a month of establishing himself as an authentic Republican with "me-too" initiatives, jumping the gun on Hillary by baring all his medical details on prime-time television. The facts were devastating: Trump is a full 15 pounds overweight. Experts selected by UnNews predict this will end his political career exactly as that small bald spot ended the run of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Regarding Hillary's weight, everyone knows you don't ask such questions of a woman. Trump also disclosed an elevated testosterone level, and the nation could never elect a libidinous President.