How do I move on when I can't have the man I love?

Asked Sep 20, 2010, 11:23 AM
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27 Answers

Three months ago, I found out that the man I'm in love with got married already. We had been together for about two and a half years. We were so in love when we were together. More than half of the latter part of our relationship was long distance and we had many false break ups but always managed to get back together again because of our strong feelings for each other. He thinks religion was our main problem - he's Muslim and I'm Christian - and neither of us was willing to convert. For me, it was the lack of commitment on his part. I love and respect him for who he is and I was willing to work on a real love relationship. But he doesn't seem to be on the same page.

During our last break up and serious talk, he said he didn't want to let me go and I believed him. Nonetheless, I stopped contact with him in an attempt to move on, but he never left my mind and my heart. I always mulled over making contact again but decided not to until I gave it enough time and became sure of myself.

Eventually, I decided to forgive him. And when all the hurt was gone, all that was left is love. This was when I realized that I really wanted to be with him. Six months after our last break up and serious talk, I sent him a casual email, not knowing that he was about to get married the next day. Upon actually learning of this fact, I broke down and was crying for two weeks. He kept this information from me, but had a bad feeling already. He replied to my email and we chatted (IM) for a while, but he was talking strangely (based on premises if he was married) when I asked him. He said that he also has feelings for me, but wouldn't admit if he's married already.

Shortly after, I found out the truth upon inquiring from a third party. When I told him what I found out, he admitted it and reasoned that he didn't want to hurt me, I shouldn't have pushed him away, and he had no choice - all of which I don't really buy. Now he wants me to be his second wife as he claims it's his only solution left, which is definitely a no, no for me. I already told him that this officially ends everything between us and that I will let go and move on with my life. He still sends me emails, but I have stopped responding.

I've been reading a lot of books and trying to heal myself from this devastating experience but it's just too hard! Of course, I know my boundaries and will never cross them. Though I still think about him all the time and feel tremendous emotional pain everyday. It just hurts so much that I'm not sure if ever I'll be fine or fully functional again. I've lost all happiness, desire, and motivation. I'm just a big mess right now. I'm taking a break right now from work (and life in general) as I don't want to fall apart, but I can't keep this going for long. I also don't want to fall into depression. It's been three months already since I found out. Isn't that long enough grieving time already? I also wouldn't want my family to worry about me too much. I would appreciate any help and support. Thank you.

Grieving is a personal matter and no one can really tell you how is appropriate. However, if you feel like instead of getting better you are getting worse, the grieving could be turning into depression and seeking help would be a good idea. There is absolutely no shame in saying that you need help.

Delete, block, ignore, de-friend, and what ever else it takes to stop ALL contact with him. IF his email doesn't get through, you can't read it or be tempted to read/respond.

Get back involved in life and work. Pick up the things that help you feel good about you. Each day look for positives instead of holding on to the negative.

New hobbies, routines, meeting new people, volunteering, taking a continuing education or community center class, etc. can help break you out the downward spiral. Asking for advice and offering advice can help change your perspective.

Obviously you went with your instincts in the first place, and stopped all contact with him. Sometimes when we get lonely we forget why we needed to move on in the first place. When we forget, we fall back into that false comfort zone. We make ourselves believe that we really,really loved him and that he was just perfect for us, well except for a couple of things that we are just sure we can change. Remember you couldn't change them before and you never will.
Now when you had yourself convienced that going back to him would fill that void and unhappiness, you find that he has found a wife. Its hard to have to face that loneliness and unhappiness all over again. Here is were you need to realize that you made the right choice the first time around!! Aren't you glad that when you find that man that the Lord as wanted you to find, that you will never have to share him with another WIFE!! That you will never be in doubt of where you stand in his life, and most important you will not have to give up your beliefs to have that true love!!

You left him before because things were not right.
You will get past this with time. You have had a set back, with deciding to contact him and finding he's married.
This man was not the one anyway, you realized this before, you will again.
Get busy, hobbies, friends, living life.

I am both amazed, and pleased you have the good sense, and self awareness, to get the facts and then made an excellent decision for yourself. That bodes well for you, and something we don't often see on this forum, and I find it refreshing and hopeful.

While you may be caught in the healing process, which I know full well how that hurts, you have done surprisingly well for 3 months I think. But I think you have to be patient as those old wounds close, and be proactive with rebuilding a life that you enjoy, that makes you happy. That's the medicine you need for yourself, along with good friends and family who love and support you.

You will get some here for sure as we do understand that your feelings right now keep you from seeing the good you have already done for yourself, but it will be clearer, later, you just have to keep pushing and moving forward.

I want to help because I am in the same spot as yours but flipped around. I am a muslim girl and fell for a christian boy. And because of the differences I can not be with him an it will never work out. So I pushed him away and stopped all contact. Now he has a girl friend and it breaks my heart every single day. Every day I used to think I will not recover and that I have been cursed and things will just never be good,, the part where you said
"It just hurts so much that I'm not sure if ever I'll be fine or fully functional again. I've lost all happiness, desire, and motivation. I'm just a big mess right now. "... I am there too and I have been there too for a long time.

My best advice and the one I ahave been trying to do right now is to accept what happened first and to realize there might be something out there better for you. Take it as a learning experience something that will power you to look at the other side of life, or go back and remind yourself of the things you used to love. Being a second wife or what not will never solve the problem, trust me I come from there and I know. You need to move on and remind yourself there is someone who is out there who will oneday make you forget all this pain. In the meantime enjoy life and do what you LOVE and LIKE. The pain is fresh, but trust me it all goes away with time, and you will forget him you just need to be patient it won't happen overnight.
I am sure you will return to being happy and motivated just trust in life again and keep believing something great is actually waiting out there for you after such a rough experience.
Take it from someone who is been in the same shoes.

Hope this helps you.

And please please please be smarter than me... eat well and take care of yourself, never neglect yourself for a man trust me it is NOT worth it, in fact taking care of yourself is all part of the healing process. Guarrnted
Step number one and after you read this do something you love and push his memory away once you have one what you lliked you will feel capable and you actually have strength and will to move on.
Best of luck

I want to help because I am in the same spot as yours but flipped around. I am a muslim girl and fell for a christian boy. And because of the differences I can not be with him an it will never work out. So I pushed him away and stopped all contact. Now he has a girl friend and it breaks my heart every single day. Every day I used to think I will not recover and that I have been cursed and things will just never be good,, the part where you said
"It just hurts so much that I'm not sure if ever I'll be fine or fully functional again. I've lost all happiness, desire, and motivation. I'm just a big mess right now. "... I am there too and I have been there too for a long time.

My best advice and the one I ahave been trying to do right now is to accept what happened first and to realize there might be something out there better for you. Take it as a learning experience something that will power you to look at the other side of life, or go back and remind yourself of the things you used to love. Being a second wife or what not will never solve the problem, trust me I come from there and I know. You need to move on and remind yourself there is someone who is out there who will oneday make you forget all this pain. In the meantime enjoy life and do what you LOVE and LIKE. The pain is fresh, but trust me it all goes away with time, and you will forget him you just need to be patient it won't happen overnight.
I am sure you will return to being happy and motivated just trust in life again and keep believing something great is actually waiting out there for you after such a rough experience.
Take it from someone who is been in the same shoes.

Hope this helps you.

And please please please be smarter than me... eat well and take care of yourself, never neglect yourself for a man trust me it is NOT worth it, in fact taking care of yourself is all part of the healing process. Guarrnted
Step number one and after you read this do something you love and push his memory away once you have one what you lliked you will feel capable and you actually have strength and will to move on.
Best of luck

Jheep, we are currently trying out a new user interface and it is causing some confusion. Would you please use the Answer box at the bottom of the page to respond instead of using the Comment feature on the individual posts. When you use the Answer box it alerts us that you have replied. The Comment feature doesn't. Thank you.

jheep,first of all,wonderful job of healing and recovering... you are doing great at this stage and am sure it'll just get better... thoughts and memories have a habit of crowding your mind just when you don't need them to,hence be extra determined at these times and do something to snap out of it... personally speaking,I have always found keeping myself occupied,going out with friends and family,meeting new people,taking long walks,anything that diverts your mind,works best in such situations... its also very important to keep loving and motivating yourself and not holding anything against yourself for what happened... self-hatred and guilt are the last things you want... keep going jheep and one day you will look back and realise you have crossed a tough bridge and grown a lot... life's great and its all yours to enjoy:)

Surely, it's so hard after all those awful things that happened. I have done a lot of things I think will help me feel better from my heart breaking situation just like you (I was used, I was lied to all along). I read a lot of books, I talk to friends, I write my feelings in a diary. My advice is that please just take it day by day and don't push yourself too hard as it always takes time. My feelings vary from one day to another. It can be so hard some days I even feel in doubt whether I will ever survive this but another day I feel slightly better. There's also a day when I rarey think about it at all. Please do whatever you love or enjoy doing that will divert your mind from this nightmare.

There're two things I always stick to and remember deeply in my heart: 1) Stay NC with that person and never ever break it 2) Even if I feel like it's very hard and sometimes I really want to give up and beg him back, I CHOOSE to get through and be in this difficult time rather than getting back to someone who cause me so much pain again.

I hope this will help in giving you some encouragement as there are lot of people who share similar experience, so you are not alone.

Thank you all for responding! I read and re-read all of your advice and you have all given me the needed strength in this difficult time of heartbreak. It's good to hear from different perspectives. It provides for a richer learning experience and I'm truly grateful to all of you.

Most of all, you have all made me realize that there is indeed hope. I look forward to a wonderful life ahead!

I guess I am in a much better position now than before when I still wasn't sure whether to take responsibility and work on our relationship or to simply surrender and let go of it. That was my dilemma then. Though I still carried him the entire time in my heart. I believed him when he said he didn't want to let me go. Later on when I decided to try and make it work, I found out that it was no longer possible. Thus, the only course of action was really simply to let it go.

The timing of my discovery was impeccable though. I really had no idea that he was about to get married. I couldn't explain how or why I sent that email around that time. Intuition? Feelings? Gut Instincts? Anyway from then on, I quickly discovered the truth, which is what really matters. Had I not, I probably would still be keeping him in my heart and forging false hopes, hollow dreams, and futile plans.

I should be thankful, but why does it hurt so much? Why am I overwhelmed by my feelings of sadness and distress? I don't remember crying as hard and as long as I did when I found out. I still feel a bit lost at times. Why are the feelings so powerful? What are they trying to tell me? What could possibly be wrong? Is there something I'm missing here?

Why are the feelings so powerful? What are they trying to tell me? What could possibly be wrong? Is there something I'm missing here?

Nothing is wrong. It is showing you that you have a very big capacity to love and that when you are ready and meet the person you can build a life with, you will have a lot to give.

You're human. There are a lot feelings/hopes/dreams/wishes/insecurities/betrayal/relief/etc. tangled up into one huge knot that you are having to unravel. It takes time, but it will get better especially if you take care of yourself.

The tangled knot is still a big mess of a knot. It still hurts. It's terrible. It's as if I am stuck in a cycle of heartbreak and it's killing me. With effort, I get better for a while and then I feel the emotional pain once again. It's like acid that's eating me up and melting me away. I don't want to be bitter. I want to get over this and move on with my life, but I seem stuck. I'm so confused. I've lost my vision for a better life ahead and the joy and desire to live. I don't understand why it hurts so much. Please help. What should I do?

What do you do for fun, what do you enjoy doing?
You have to move on, you have no choice if you want to be happy.
Give yourself permission to have some fun, to do something you have not done in a while that brings you joy.

This hurts but there is not a thing you can do about it so let it ago. Write a letter with all of your feeling and pain. Read it and then burn it. Let the burning be the start of a new day, a new new phase in your life.

Be patient, as it takes a lot of time to get through the healing process, and get rid of old memories, and habits, and feelings, and replace them with new ones. We all have those bad days that are hard to deal with, but we do get through them. Just stay busy and relax and enjoy what your doing. If you aren't, then change wha your doing and find your happiness. It takes time.

People want the things that they can't have . U knew from the start that you can't make it with this man because of the religion issue, you challenged it . I've been there in the exact place. You need to move on. Learn sth new like a new language, gym, busy yourself with the family and friends, and for sure take care of yourself. I'm Christian and I loved a Muslim girl, she told me that she couldn't continue like this and can't see any future with me, I accepted the situation. It's has been like 2.5 months.. I ruined my life with that relationship. Ur main problem is the religion, don't deny it because it's true, your not ready to change yours and you don't won't to be a second wife! Even if someone changes his religion , u'll face a lot of problems during your life. Did you think of how is it going to be when you get children!! Am giving you an advice from experience, MOVE ON

Thanks. I've obviously hit a slump. I have to admit though that there have been better days. The past couple of days have just been difficult as the feelings started to come back again and take over my entire being. It's really tough. I should be ecstatic at this time in my life - I just achieved something I worked very hard for - but the pain is overpowering the joy I should be feeling at the moment.

I'm in pain. That's how I feel. I wish I could get over it and start living and enjoying life again but I can't at the moment. It really hurts a lot. No matter what I do, the feelings come back. I feel as if I'm being transformed by this experience. I just hope that in the end, it will be for the better. I don't want to be paralyzed by this pain all my life.

I know that there is nothing I can do about the situation and I'm never going to cross the boundary of good behavior. It's true that there is no other choice but to move on. That is clear to me. I've accepted the situation, but it still hurts.

It's not that I want what I can't have. After all that, I don't want him anymore and I will never allow myself to carry on with him either as a second wife or whatever else. I just want to get rid of this terrible feeling.

It's true that religion is a big issue that needs to be worked out, but it shouldn't be made an excuse to end a relationship with the person you truly love. If that were the case, then he shouldn't have entered into a relationship with me in the first place. I may be naïve but I thought I had a fair chance at love when he pleaded his love for me and I accepted. He may have lied or he may have changed, but it doesn't matter anymore.

The Holidays are a notorious time for people to feel down especially when they are already on an emotional roller coaster. You can get through this time if you give yourself ways to stay busy and keep from dwelling on what might have been.

When you feel yourself slipping, do something different. Listen to a different type of music or change the channel. Even little things done differently help build new pathways in the brain and lessen the impact of older healing hurts.

I feel a lot better now. Time, the expression of grief, and your valuable insights and other learnings have done me a lot of good. Thank you all.

I've been NC with him for almost four months now, but he still sends me emails asking me how I am. Recently, he's been requesting that I send him even a blank email to let him know that I'm fine. I don't intend to answer or do any of that. I know that I've been advised by Cat1864 to block his email but I'm not quite ready yet. Though I think of him a lot less now. I hope to get there soon.

My question is why would he want to still keep in touch? Why is he regularly contacting me now and not before he got married to another girl? I already said no to his suggestion of a 2nd wife and insisted on moving on. He probably thinks I'm still in love with him. I know that the answer maybe is that it doesn't matter and that I should focus on my own life. I'm getting there. I guess for now I need some reinforcements. Any thoughts? Thanks.

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