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Lowell Bell Just Looking to Get Banged

I feel like I'm living in a cage.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Area percussion instrument Lowell Bell has not peeped a sound in almost a year. After yet another night spent alone, silent on her perch above Mount Auburn Street, Bell has confessed that she just wants to get banged.

"At this point, I'd be game for a one-night stand with anyone ap-pealing enough," said Bell. "A massive dong would be nice."

Bell has endured twelve long months without so much as a touch, not even a polish of her waist or maintenance of her canons. Instead, Bell finds herself settling for the occasional breeze over her bulges. "At this point, I would chime for anything," Bell explained. "Even just a quickie with a tuning fork."

Bell used to get her clapper rung every Sunday at 1 p.m.—and some Cambridge citizens are grateful she's no longer getting any. "Oh, thank God she's having a dry spell," said Quincy resident Veronica P. Yang '19. "The grossly loud noises she'd make used to wake me all the time."

Bell rejected that peer-percussion has anything to do with her current tune. “So what that some bells seem to get their lips hammered every 15 minutes? It’s not like I’m jealous that a freakin’ Catholic Church Bell gets more action than me. Yeah, not at all.”

Lately, Bell has been taking swings to get back on the dating scene. For now, she is hoping for an earthquake to get her vibrations going.