Mr. Can Do

By J.D. Mullane

Sunday

Nov 27, 2011 at 12:01 AMNov 27, 2011 at 7:57 AM

Tom O’Neill, who identifies himself as a “tinkerer,” met me in Doylestown outside Lilly’s sandwich shop. He had been on me for a couple of weeks to pitch his “unique” solution to eliminate devastating floods throughout the United States, which would also end drought — forever.

“First, before I tell you my idea,” he said, as we sat on a bench on West Court Street, “do we agree that flooding and drought is a major, major problem?”

Agreed.

“And do we agree,” he said, “there’s no price tag that can be put on a human life?”

Agreed — until the feds start rationing health care.

“Besides that.”

OK, agreed. No price on a life.

“Now — let me say this,” O’Neill continued. “If you ask me how much my idea is going to cost, I have to tell you, I have no idea. But if it works — and it’ll work — the flooding problem goes away; so does the drought problem. No more houses or businesses destroyed. No more lives lost. No more crops ruined.”

OK, OK, I said. What is it?

“Ready?”

Yeah, yeah.

O’Neill looked around as if he didn’t want anyone to hear. Then, lowering his voice, he said, “Underground piping.”

He leaned back, smiling gently. He waited for my reaction.

“That’s it?” I said. “Pipes?”

“Underground pipes,” he said. “See, centuries back, above-ground aqueducts were the big thing — the Romans were able to carry water 50 miles outside of cities. But my idea is that the pipes would be strictly underground, nobody would see them. They would channel the flood water away — to drought-stricken states in the South.

“You could run a pipe from here in the northeast to central Florida. You could run pipe from the Midwest to the desert Southwest and California. You would have a commodity that people would pay for,” he said.

The idea underwhelmed. I had driven 26 miles to meet him on the promise of a “great solution” that might have the added value of newsworthiness. He even called my boss about it, but kept the details of his pipe plan to himself.

There would be no more Mississippi floods. No more Red River jumping its banks and socking it to North Dakota. At home, the raging Neshaminy Creek would be tamed. The Delaware River would no longer cause the closure of the Yardley Inn and other popular eateries in Bucks County.

And all because of Tom O’Neill’s underground pipes.

“You don’t think it’s a good idea?” he asked.

There were some obvious problems, I said. Where would the pipes go? Who would install them? How big would they have to be? Have you ever seen the Mississippi? I’ve been on it. You’re gonna need a lot of big pipes to channel that flood water away.

He said the pipes would follow major interstate highways, which would bypass central cities and towns. The piping would be huge, “10 or 12 feet in diameter” and made of PVC, which is virtually indestructible.

“If we can pipe oil a thousand miles in Alaska from Prudhoe Bay to Valdez, then we can pipe water a thousand miles and more,” he said.

I hadn’t thought of it that way but, yeah, I guess so.

“You place the pipe along interstate highways, bypassing cities and towns. Build in sections, 10 miles at a time, 20 miles. Whatever makes sense. The project would create tens of thousands of jobs and would go on for years and years,” he said.

Tearing up streets and shoulders of roads? It would be a huge mess, I said.

“Have you been through Montgomery County lately, where they’re working on the 202 Bypass? A mess. But things have to be bad for a while before they get better. When the 202 bypass is done, it’ll look beautiful.”

O’Neill is 74 and lives in Flourtown, Montgomery County. He is a retired heavy equipment operator. He joined the Marines after high school. After his tour, he spent 10 years with the Seabees, the Navy construction battalion, whose motto is “Can do.”

“Cranes. Bulldozers. Front-end loaders. That’s my background. Engineering the impossible, that’s what I did. In the Seabees if someone says, ‘We want an airfield in the middle of nowhere, or a bridge across some river by tomorrow, and big enough to move men and equipment, there is only one answer — ‘Yes, sir. Can do.’”

I laughed. I told him we are no longer a country that believes in “can do.” We can’t even balance the federal budget, let alone win a war. And what about the implacable foe of American innovation and progress — environmentalists? You say “Can do” and they say “We’ll sue!”

“All I want to do is solve a problem, and I think the pipes would solve it,” he said.

Maybe it would. No matter. Think of the inconvenience, the mess the possible squeaky-mouse habitats or rare aphid colonies that might be disturbed.

No, sir. Can’t do.

J.D. Mullane can be reached at 215-949-5745 or atjmullane@phillyburbs.com.

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