I’m considering running for president, and this time, I think I can win. I may look like an old man on the outside, but I’m still as sharp as a tack. Lurking within my battered frame is the spunk of a hot latina lesbian woman who just found out her grandma’s homemade salsa is nothing but Old El Paso with a little bit of ketchup added in. I’ve been duped! We’ve all been duped!

Can you believe this wall nonsense? I’ve always considered myself to be an honorable Jew, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Walls are bad news. Ask the East Germans, or the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto. Is this really the look we’re going for?

I’ve noticed that hot latina lesbians are trending lately. Yes, I know how to find out about what’s trending on the interweb. I keep up with the social media and the Book of Faces pretty good for an old man, and everywhere I look, someone who used to be a CIS white male is now a hot latina lesbian, which is great! Thor, Thanos, everybody!

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Two questions. First, is she a lesbian? It’d help, but if not, I can still work with it. Second, what do you think about me putting her on the ticket? I know she’s green and not really qualified yet, but look at who’s president. At this point, we’d be better off with a rock. We should just find a pretty rock on the beach and paint the word “President” on it. At least a rock couldn’t cause all this madness.

These are supposed to be my golden years. I should be able to sit at home in my underwear watching Fox News and shaking my fist, but you can see why that wouldn’t work for me. I’m just not cut out to be an old white man in America. So I must become president, and I must bring a hot latina lesbian with me. Either that or become one myself.

You’re a real mensch. Anything you could do to help would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,
Bernie Sanders

Dear Bernie,

I like you. In fact, you remind me of myself when I was your age: idealistic, ornery, a little senile. And I agree that a rock would make a great new president and you’re even more qualified than most rocks. Maybe even all rocks, except for that one I made that even I can’t lift. That one is pretty damn impressive, actually.

If you were to make it to the general election, you’d have a decent shot at dethroning the Cheeto. The problem is, the establishment Dems hate you and still blame you for Hillary’s loss. To them, you’re just an ugly Jill Stein. You drew too much attention to their underhanded process of choosing their candidate and that caused the kooky progressive section of the base to lose faith and either vote 3rd party or stay home on Election Day. You’re an easy scapegoat for them because, in their eyes, you’re just another populist candidate like Trump, only you couldn’t find a way to win. You’re a troublemaker, a disrupter who alienates their most faithful donors (Jeff Besos is the Left’s version of the Koch Brothers, you know). Anyway, it’s too late for you to become a sassy Latina lesbian. At your age, I don’t think you’d survive the surgery, and the hormone treatments would react badly with your Viagra. Sure, you could still dress like a sassy Latina lesbian, but you’ll never be able to dance like one, and that’s all anyone cares about. So my advice is to step aside and let Elizabeth Warren be the new Bernie Sanders. But maybe don’t fade away completely. You can still play an important role—to make Warren seem young by comparison.

—Jesus Christ

Dear Bernie,

Jesus is right—gender reassignment surgery would be very dangerous at your age. At least with traditional methods. However, I have a way to turn you into Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez without surgery. And all it will cost you is your soul. All you have to do is stop being such an honest, idealistic, warrior of the people and become a regular DC politician. Stop going after the big banks, stop going after Big Pharma, and for fuck’s sake leave Jeff Besos alone. I happen to like getting free 2-day shipping on anything I could possibly want, and would prefer you didn’t rock the boat. He’s already raised the annual fee for Amazon Prime to $129, and if you keep poking and prodding, who knows how high it’ll go? If I have to wait seven days for cat food or torrent the next season of Jack Ryan, I will fry your spleen while it’s still inside your body. Not that I expect you to feel something like that. You’re basically just a weak version of Solomon Grundy with a better vocabulary.

—Satan

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.