I don’t know who my child’s father is

Oia522z

Posted on 03-06-2018 at 6.30AM

So, as an 18/19 year old I was a bit premiscuous. I was young and homeless and slept around a little.
I fell pregnant, although I didn’t know I was pregnant until around 20 weeks. That little man is 10 now. For the last 10 years I believed his was say freds. Fred has never met him by choice and I’ve been arguing for a dna test since my son was 2 (via Csa) and he never showed for the appointments (he was given 10ish)
Yesterday after cms made him pay for a dna test I was told he wasn’t his dad. I genuinely thought for the last 10 years he was. But he isn’t and now I’m not sure what to do.
My boy is autistic, it doesn’t run in my family at all so it’s always been more medical questions that we’ve needed.
Now I’m sat here at 6am typing this and trying to figure out who the possibilities could be.
My sons due date was somewhere between nov 12th and December 12th. I had a c section in the November due to failure to thrive. But it is up in the air as to if he was born 4 weeks early or actually failed to thrive.
So would that put me around March time?
I don’t know why I’m typing this to be honest, I just need some help. My husband who I married after his birth isn’t judging me. He knew my situation at the time. But I don’t feel I can talk to him about this. He’s raised my son and been a fabulous dad but I have questions so I’m going to need to figure this out.
Just genuinely sad right now as I truelly did believe he was his dad. So to say he’s not had come as a massive shock to me.

So, as an 18/19 year old I was a bit premiscuous. I was young and homeless and slept around a little.

I fell pregnant, although I didn’t know I was pregnant until around 20 weeks. That little man is 10 now. For the last 10 years I believed his was say freds. Fred has never met him by choice and I’ve been arguing for a dna test since my son was 2 (via Csa) and he never showed for the appointments (he was given 10ish)

Yesterday after cms made him pay for a dna test I was told he wasn’t his dad. I genuinely thought for the last 10 years he was. But he isn’t and now I’m not sure what to do.

My boy is autistic, it doesn’t run in my family at all so it’s always been more medical questions that we’ve needed.

Now I’m sat here at 6am typing this and trying to figure out who the possibilities could be.

My sons due date was somewhere between nov 12th and December 12th. I had a c section in the November due to failure to thrive. But it is up in the air as to if he was born 4 weeks early or actually failed to thrive.

So would that put me around March time?

I don’t know why I’m typing this to be honest, I just need some help. My husband who I married after his birth isn’t judging me. He knew my situation at the time. But I don’t feel I can talk to him about this. He’s raised my son and been a fabulous dad but I have questions so I’m going to need to figure this out.

Just genuinely sad right now as I truelly did believe he was his dad. So to say he’s not had come as a massive shock to me.

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Danimell

Posted on 03-06-2018 at 7.07AM

I’m so sorry to hear this... it maybe the case you try to sit down and write who you remember having relations with in that february to April time and deciding if you speak with those people. Good luck - you will make the right choice regardless.
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I’m so sorry to hear this... it maybe the case you try to sit down and write who you remember having relations with in that february to April time and deciding if you speak with those people. Good luck - you will make the right choice regardless.

Hi Clare, you may never know who your son's biological father is but I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. You thought it was someone and it's not. It's not like this guy has ever paid towards your son or had an active role in his life. He literally just had to take a couple of hours out of his day to go to the appointment to sort it out.
Does your son know your husband isn't his dad? If so, does he often ask who is? Obviously whether he knows or not, one day he will know. When you think he's old enough, could you sit him down and explain the situation and give him the choice of whether he wants you to try and find his real dad? That way you can stop stressing now and relax knowing when the times comes, you'll do what your son needs you to do. He may well not want you to bother but then he might also want you to. It would be best to point out and prepare him for you not being successful in finding his dad as well, however much you try.
If he does want you to, if your son was due mid November - mid December, he'd of been conceived between the first or second week of February and the second week of March. So you have pretty much from the first week of February to the second week of March to think about. That's about 5 weeks. Can you remember how many people you slept with in that time or know any names? If so, you can track each one down and offer to pay for a dna test. If no one consents to one, you can't remember names or none of them turn out to be your son's dad, you may have to put it to rest and tell your son you tried your best.
We all have times in life where things are tough. You were young and homeless, that must of been hard. You had a child on your own and stepped up and did what you had to do. Your son will appreciate that reguardless of whether you find his dad or not X
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Hi Clare, you may never know who your son's biological father is but I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. You thought it was someone and it's not. It's not like this guy has ever paid towards your son or had an active role in his life. He literally just had to take a couple of hours out of his day to go to the appointment to sort it out.

Does your son know your husband isn't his dad? If so, does he often ask who is? Obviously whether he knows or not, one day he will know. When you think he's old enough, could you sit him down and explain the situation and give him the choice of whether he wants you to try and find his real dad? That way you can stop stressing now and relax knowing when the times comes, you'll do what your son needs you to do. He may well not want you to bother but then he might also want you to. It would be best to point out and prepare him for you not being successful in finding his dad as well, however much you try.

If he does want you to, if your son was due mid November - mid December, he'd of been conceived between the first or second week of February and the second week of March. So you have pretty much from the first week of February to the second week of March to think about. That's about 5 weeks. Can you remember how many people you slept with in that time or know any names? If so, you can track each one down and offer to pay for a dna test. If no one consents to one, you can't remember names or none of them turn out to be your son's dad, you may have to put it to rest and tell your son you tried your best.

We all have times in life where things are tough. You were young and homeless, that must of been hard. You had a child on your own and stepped up and did what you had to do. Your son will appreciate that reguardless of whether you find his dad or not X

Hi April, I just wanted to swing back in and say thank you for clearly taking the time to reply.
My son isn’t aware my husband isn’t his father, he’s never asked and I’m not sure he will ever be in a position to understand otherwise.
I have managed to track down one of the other guys. Given that it’s been a decade him and his now wife are upset. Although I did explain that I genuinely didn’t ever think he would be his father. He’s stated that so long as the Csa contact him to submit a dna he will do so so that’s something. If it isn’t him then I’m clueless. It’s a long time.
Thank you for your very kind words, which helped ease me massively. In the long run it doesn’t matter, he has a solid loving family and that’s all that counts.
Hopefully this one turns out to be positive however if not we can move on knowing we tried and it’ll stay unknown xx

Hi April, I just wanted to swing back in and say thank you for clearly taking the time to reply.

My son isn’t aware my husband isn’t his father, he’s never asked and I’m not sure he will ever be in a position to understand otherwise.

I have managed to track down one of the other guys. Given that it’s been a decade him and his now wife are upset. Although I did explain that I genuinely didn’t ever think he would be his father. He’s stated that so long as the Csa contact him to submit a dna he will do so so that’s something. If it isn’t him then I’m clueless. It’s a long time.

Thank you for your very kind words, which helped ease me massively. In the long run it doesn’t matter, he has a solid loving family and that’s all that counts.

Hopefully this one turns out to be positive however if not we can move on knowing we tried and it’ll stay unknown xx

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Oia522z

Posted on 08-08-2018 at 4.55PM

Figured I would update for you guys and others who may be sadly in my position one day.
Last week the other potential dad was tested (as mentioned in my previous comment) and we got the results today that he is his biological father!! I’m thrilled to have the truth finally.
Although very sad as it’s caused him and his wife severe upset. They don’t know he’s his yet as they didn’t want me to tell them and they’ve been at work so haven’t seen the letter yet. He’s been shocked, and I think he genuinely believes he’s not his father and will be shocked. He’s been decent though given the circumstances as evidentially I wasn’t being vindictive xx

Figured I would update for you guys and others who may be sadly in my position one day.

Last week the other potential dad was tested (as mentioned in my previous comment) and we got the results today that he is his biological father!! I’m thrilled to have the truth finally.

Although very sad as it’s caused him and his wife severe upset. They don’t know he’s his yet as they didn’t want me to tell them and they’ve been at work so haven’t seen the letter yet. He’s been shocked, and I think he genuinely believes he’s not his father and will be shocked. He’s been decent though given the circumstances as evidentially I wasn’t being vindictive xx

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Ilovebling

Posted on 08-08-2018 at 5.53PM

Thats such good newz!!!
I can imagine hes very shocked and his wife!
Geeat news for you though i bet thats such a relief!! Xx
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Thats such good newz!!!I can imagine hes very shocked and his wife!Geeat news for you though i bet thats such a relief!! Xx

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April M(77)

Posted on 09-08-2018 at 8.31AM

That's good news Clare. It will be a shock for them but you don't seem the type that will make this hard for them.
Are you going to tell your son now? X
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That's good news Clare. It will be a shock for them but you don't seem the type that will make this hard for them.

Nope I’m not, after all what they also need to recognise is... we also had absolutely no idea either.
We don’t intend to tell him, he’s autistic and his needs are significantly too complex for him to understand. I have informed them they are welcome to meet us, and him. However they’ll be introduced by their names and it will stay that way because it’s what is best for little man really.
Although I don’t think they will. He’s 38 now (no other kids) and she’s 37 and has no children. I kinda get the feeling that they chose not to have children and my son is nothing more than a surprising inconvenience. Which makes me sad, I’d have loved for them to have had some form of relationship but what can ya do eh xx

Nope I’m not, after all what they also need to recognise is... we also had absolutely no idea either.

We don’t intend to tell him, he’s autistic and his needs are significantly too complex for him to understand. I have informed them they are welcome to meet us, and him. However they’ll be introduced by their names and it will stay that way because it’s what is best for little man really.

Although I don’t think they will. He’s 38 now (no other kids) and she’s 37 and has no children. I kinda get the feeling that they chose not to have children and my son is nothing more than a surprising inconvenience. Which makes me sad, I’d have loved for them to have had some form of relationship but what can ya do eh xx