Thursday, March 10, 2016

The Diary of Donna Troy

HITLER. If you read the name Hitler and felt nothing, you're not necessarily a bad person. We use Hitler as an insult so often, it's kind of become meaningless to call someone Hitler. Every time one of our leaders does something we don't like, we call them Hitler. (I just realized how many times I've typed Hitler, and it looks real creepy. It's going to get creepier before I'm done.)

In fact, I have a friend we call Hitler because she's a tad on the bossy side. Should I be calling someone Hitler because she asked the waitress for the check before anyone could order dessert? Probably not. Is it incredibly insensitive to call a person from Poland Hitler? Probably. But I didn't get pie because of my good friend, Hitler, and I really wanted pie.

Trump recently had to defend himself, because so many people have compared him to Hitler. I would love to report that he did some deep introspection on what he may have said or done to be compared to Hitler. He didn't. He just said he's not Hitler.

Pundits, comedians, and snarky Internet bloggers have all compared Trump to Hitler. Do you know who else compared Trump to Hitler? The stepsister of Anne Frank. That's some serious shit. This is a serious Hitler warning not to be ignored.

SERIOUS HITLER WARNING: The stepsister of Anne Frank is getting a Hitler vibe from Trump. Take immediate and adequate shelter. In a voting booth. And vote for literally anyone else.

We need to find non-Hitler ways to insult our political leaders, so that serious Hitler warnings like this won't be overlooked in the future. To help I've come up with some names to call this year's presidential candidates in lieu of Hitler. I can't use all of the candidates, because there were so many, and quite frankly, I've already forgotten about some of them.

Most Republican Nominees
Alternate Name: Accidental Racists

They keep calling themselves the party of Lincoln and Reagan. I'll leave Reagan alone, because Nancy just died and you know... too soon. (Please take a moment of silence here.) I cannot leave the Lincoln thing alone. Today's Republicans are the party of the South. Lincoln had a notoriously poor relationship with the South. The South won't let the Confederate Flag go to this day. We're still suffering devastation over the Civil War. We lost Dukes of Hazzard reruns due to this bullshit. (Note: I live in the South. I'm quite happy here. Can we just cool it with the Confederate Flags?)

I don't know if the Republican nominees are accidental racists or on-purpose racists. But I do know that "Accidental Racist" is the worst song ever written.

Dr. Ben Carson
Alternate Name: Mr. Ben Carson

Stop calling him doctor and it's only a matter of time before he tries to bludgeon his mother again.

Like the non-Alec Baldwins, Jeb! will never escape the shadow of his famous brother no matter how qualified or talented he may or may not be. (Any Jackson brother not named Michael is also an acceptable substitute.)

Marco Rubio
Alternate Name: Cosby

Rubio decided to go on a comedy tour last week rather than campaign for president. It was an odd choice, but whatever. It started out all right, but like Cosby, things went really wrong really fast.