There is nothing worse than being caught behind a bicycle. It's more than just annoying; it's nerve wracking. There you are behind the wheel of this two-ton killing machine, and someone cuts in front of you, completely unprotected (save for a hard plastic hat), driving at half of your speed. For however long it takes that biker to notice you behind him and move out of the way, you have to tensely alternate between lightly tapping on the gas pedal and slamming on the break, knowing that you're just one slip of the foot from murder. As much as I hate bikers, I only want to kill them figuratively, not literally.

I've made that last point to some of my biker friends before and they all say the same thing: "The law say we have as much right to the road as drivers do." While that's true, it pisses me off to hear a bicyclist quote the law to me because the only time they do it is when it suits them. Meanwhile, how many times have you seen a bike drive through a red light? How about riding on the sidewalk? And when you confront them, they all say the same thing: "It's just a bike. It's not that big a deal." I'm sorry, but that shit don't fly. If you want to be treated like every other vehicle, you're going to have to follow the rules of the road. You can't have it both ways.

Maybe I'm OCD but if I'm going to put myself in a situation where I'm going to be sweating a lot, I like to plan it so I can take a shower immediately afterwards. This is not the case with most of the bicyclists I know. Instead, their sweat is all a part of their commute, and so, once they reach their destination, they allow it to fester on their skin for hours on end like it's no big deal, until they get on their bikes again and sweat their way home. The thing is if this was simply a matter of personal hygiene, I'd just say "Okay, that's gross" to myself and leave it at that. Unfortunately, not managing your sweat is pretty inconsiderate. You're basically saying "I don't care if I subject the people around me to the smell of rancid chicken soup all day. I ride a bike!"

Unless you're in the Tour De France the only special gear you need while riding a bike is a helmet. The rest is overkill. Furthermore, if you really do feel the need to wear a uniform based on your preferred mode of transportation, why was a spandex onesie your first choice. I can assure you, the two seconds of drag you're saving is not worth the uncomfortable dick outline and/or camel toe you're forcing on those around you.

Here's where I concede that biking has two upsides: It's great for your health, and it's great for the environment. That said, I'm convinced that most bikers don't bike because they care about exercise and environmentalism. It's because they want the world to think that they care about exercise and the environment. We all know the real reason bicyclists dress in uniform is so the rest of the world can see them and say "Oh that guy's a biker. Good for him." Furthermore, they act like not biking is the sin of the century. It's like they think they've figured out how to solve all the world's problems and you're a villain just because you don't really want to drop your kids off at school by driving three miles on a tandem bike. You know what else is healthy, and good for the environment? Walking. But what would you say if someone put on some crazy costume to go for a walk, berated you for not walking for miles on end, and was just generally up their own butt about how awesome they are for using their own feet all the time? You'd probably call them something that begins with a "D" and ends with an "ouchebag piece of shit." It's the exact same for bikers, and I don't know why they've been given a free ride for so long.