Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

Harry
Sucks to be me, imprisoned in a stair cupboard by my grotesque adoptive
family. I wish J.K. Rowling hadn't grown up reading Roald Dahl.
J.K. Rowling
Fortunately for you, life is about to get a whole lot
more fun. I read “The Worst Witch” too.

Hagrid
FEE-FI-FO-FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!
…I shouldn't have said that.

Hagrid
You can use some of your inheritance to pay for your school equipment.
Harry
Wow, all this gold is mine? I could buy a fleet of Nimbus 2000s, or a
platinum wand, or a gilded robe, or —
Hagrid
Or you could get your glasses repaired. Trust me, it'll make Hermione less
irritating later.

Harry
I've tried loads of wands, and none of them have worked. Perhaps I could
try a different sort of focus? How about that plush Moogle?
Salesman
Plush Muggle?
Harry
No, Moogle.
Salesman
Ah, now that comes as a free gift when you buy this
fur-trimmed belt dress. Would sir like to try it on now?
Harry
Maybe I'll try a few more wands…

Hagrid
Your parents were killed by Voldemort.
Harry
Really? I was told they died in a car accident. Something
about a flying Ford Anglia and a surface-to-air missile.

Harry
Can you tell me where I might find platform 9¾?
Station-master
Over there, by that sign that says “Platform 9¾”.
Harry
Why are those children standing next to it, having their photographs taken?
Station-master
You must be the only kid in the country who doesn't know…

Neville
Are you looking for platform 9¾?
Yours truly
Platform what?
Neville
You're not waiting for the Hogwarts Express?
Yours truly
No, the 10:00 to Peterborough.

Ron
I'm Ron. Ron Weasley.
Harry
I'm Harry. Harry Potter.
Ron
Is it true? I mean, do you really have —
Harry
The scar? Yes, I'll show you.
Ron
Actually, I was wondering if you had monogrammed handkerchiefs.

Hermione
Hello, I'm your friendly neighbourhood precocious annoyance.
Let's see you do some magic.
Ron
I've got a spell to make my rat turn yellow.*clears throat*Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow,
Turn this stupid fat rat yellow.*nothing happens*
Hermione
A rhyming couplet? Who writes spells as rhyming couplets?
Ron
The girls from Charmed.
Which I only watch because of the magic, by the way.
Hermione
Everyone knows that spells are written as humourous
pseudo-Latin phrases. For example: Oculus repair — oh.
Harry
One step ahead of you.

McGonagall
Welcome to Hogwarts. Before you can take your seats,
you must be sorted into your houses.
Sorting Hat
Hero characters and comedy sidekicks go into Gryffindor.
Sinister kids go into Slytherin.
Harry
What about the other two houses?
Sorting Hat
Meh, who cares? It's not as if anyone even remembers
their names.

Dumbledore
The third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of
bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a most
painful death.
Harry
What kind of a school has a corridor like that?
Hermione
You obviously didn't read the prospectus.

Percy
Keep an eye on the staircases; they like to change. For
example, that one just moved to connect the girls' bathroom
directly to the troll dungeon.

Ron
Where'd my rat go?
McGonagall
*in cat form* …burp.

Quirrell
*writing notes on blackboard*
The easiest way to ward off a basic miasma spell is to —
Harry Potter, are you chewing gum?
Harry
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. But, how did you know?
Quirrell
I have eyes in the back of my head.

Seamus
Watch me turn this water into rum!
Ron
It'll never work —
Seamus
Explodarus hilarium! *kaboom*
Ron
— because that's the only spell he knows.

Hooch
Hold the broom tightly in both hands, release the brake, and
push off gently. Remember: mirrors, signal, manoeuvre.
Ron
Miss, Harry's a natural! Look, he can parallel park and
everything.

Harry
The door's locked! How can we get to the forbidden
third-floor corridor which we should not enter unless we
wish to die a most painful death?
Hermione
A simple spell: Alohamora! *lock clicks*
Clearly, you weren't paying attention in Breaking and Entering 101.

Harry
Well, this seems to be why the corridor is out of bounds…
Ron
What in heaven's name is it?
Hermione
A three-headed hellhound. Which you would have recognized,
had you not fallen asleep in Causes of a Most Painful Death
101.
Ron
What on earth is a three-headed hellhound doing in school?
Hermione
Guarding a trapdoor, obviously. You should have been
listening more carefully in Introduction to Hellhound
Applications.

Teacher
Making a feather levitate is a simple matter of waving your
wand while chanting the magic words —
Seamus
Explodarus hilarium! *kaboom*
Teacher
As I was saying…

Harry
What use is levitation anyway?
Ron
It works well in concert with kick-boxing.
Hermione
Ron, I'm impressed! You finally did some extra studying!
Ron
Studying? Me? You must be joking. I saw it on
Charmed.

Troll
Is this the girls' bathroom?
Hermione
Yes…
Troll
Are you a girl?
Hermione
Yes…
Troll
Oh, goody. Let's play “trolls and nurses”. I'll be the
troll.

Ron
According to “The Hobbit”, sunlight turns trolls to stone.
Lumus solem!*nothing*
Hermione
You fool, Middle-Earth is fictional! If you'd been paying
attention in Trollology 101, you'd know that the only way to
kill a troll is to ram a wand up its nose.
Harry
Fortunately, I was paying attention. *grabs wand*
Troll
GAK!
Harry
Urgh, my wand is covered in troll bogey.
Ron
Another taste sensation from Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans.

Harry
Quaffle, bludger, golden snitch… this game makes no sense at
all!
Wood
Wait until you hear about the offside rule.

Harry
We think that Snape is after whatever it is that the hellhound
is guarding.
Hagrid
Codswallop. There's nothing beneath that trapdoor, and it
doesn't have anything to do with Nicholas Flamel.
Hermione
Nearly-Headless Nicholas Flamel?
Hagrid
Unfortunately not. We could only afford John Cleese for one
minute.

Hermione
I'm off home for Christmas. Seeyas.
Ron
My parents are away in Romania investigating a plot device,
so I'm staying here.

Ron
Christmas presents! Wicked, I got a hand-knitted sweater!
Harry
I got a cloak of invisibility!
Ron
Do you a swap?
Harry
No.

Harry
Man, the library is creepy at night.
Library book
BOO!
Cat
HISS!
Snape and Quirrell
*suspicious arguing*
Harry
This place couldn't possibly get any creepier.
Mirror of Erised
Hi, Harry. Wanna see your parents?

Harry
Ron, you've really got to see this! I can see my parents
in this mirror!
Ron
Are you sure? All I can see is Alyssa Milano.
Dumbledore
The Mirror of Erised shows us the deepest and most desperate
desires of our hearts.
Harry
Oh, Ron, get a life!
Ron
Look, I watch it for the magic, okay? Hold on, another
figure is coming into view.
Harry
Who is it? My mother? My father?
Ron
…Holly Marie Combs.

Hermione
Look what I got for Christmas! Some light reading: “All
You Ever Wanted to Know About Nicholas Flamel, But Were
Afraid to Ask”. It says that he's the only known maker of the
Philosopher's Stone.
Neville
Are you sure? My copy says that he makes the Sorceror's
Stone.
Hermione
That's an American edition.

Hermione
We've worked out that Cerberus is guarding the Philosopher's
Stone.
Hagrid
Cerberus?
Hermione
The three-headed hellhound.
Hagrid
His name's Fluffy.
Malfoy
Gah, that's what happens when you allow the player to rename
the Guardian Forces.
Harry
Malfoy? What are you doing here?
Malfoy
I want to get my hands on Bahamut.
Ron
Bahamut?
Malfoy
Hagrid's dragon.
Hagrid
His name's Norbert.
Malfoy
Ack! Just for that, I'm reporting the lot of you to the
Disciplinary Committee.

McGonagall
For breaking curfew, you're all in detention and docked
fifty points.
Malfoy
All of us? But, Sorceress, I am your loyal knight!
McGonagall
Hand over the Playstation, or it's another fifty points.

Malfoy
I'm not going into the forest! It's full of werewolves! Wait
until my father hears about this!
Harry
Chicken-wuss.

Harry
Voldemort's feeding on unicorn blood!
Ron
An evil arch-nemesis with a taste for horse meat? That can only
mean one thing…
Harry
Yup, he's French.

Neville
I can't let you go after Snape. Seamus taught me a spell
to stop you. Explodarus hil —
Hermione
Break! *Neville turns to stone*
Ron
Well, whaddya know, she knows Final Fantasy spells as well.
Hermione
I got an FF spellbook as a free gift when I bought a
fur-trimmed belt dress.
Harry
Now, that's a mental image I could have managed without.

Ron
How are we going to get past Fluffy?
Hermione
If you think back to Monster Calming 101, you'll remember
that hellhounds can be put to sleep with music.
Ron
A lullaby, then? *clears throat*
Hush, little Fluffy, don't say a word,
Ronny's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
Fluffy
You call that singing? RWAAAAR!
Everyone
RUN!

Ron
Yet another locked door. No problem! Alohamora!*nothing*
Hermione
That won't work on such an old door. Don't tell me you
slept through Basic Lock Identification?
Harry
The key's flying around up there. And here's a
conveniently-placed broom. Looks like my mad quidditch
skillz are about to come in handy.
Ron
Would you like ketchup with your wand, Hermione?

Ron
We're on a giant chessboard!
Chess piece
Would you like to play a game?
Ron
How about “Global Thermonuclear War”?
Chess piece
Wouldn't you prefer a nice game of chess?
Ron
Later. Right now, let's play “Global Thermonuclear War”.
Hermione
Harry, you go after Snape. Ron and I will distract this
guy by playing tic-tac-toe over and over.

Harry
The game's up, Snape! — Huh? Quirrell? You're after
the Stone?
Quirrell
And I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for
you meddling kids!

Hermione
We need to find Dumbledore.
Ron
Are you sure? The kindly old magic school headmaster might
have an evil hidden agenda.
Hermione
What are you on about?
Ron
I saw it on Charmed.
Hermione
Right, that's it. From now on, you're only allowed to watch
the Discovery Channel.

Voldemort
If you join me, we can bring your parents back.
Harry
Never!
Voldemort
Then die!
Harry
No, you die!
Quirrell
GAK!
Harry
Well, that was easy.
Voldemort
You think that your arch-nemesis is going to die at the
end of the first movie?
Harry
Rats.

Dumbledore
You defeated Quirrell with the power of your mother's love.
Harry
So I don't have kickass black magic powers or something?
Dumbledore
No.
Harry
Rats.

Dumbledore
Slytherin won the house cup.
Audience
Boo!
Dumbledore
However, because Harry is so heroic, I'm going to
award it to Gryffindor on a technicality.
Audience
Hooray!

Harry
And so ends our first year at Hogwarts.
Ron
Let's hope that we have more adventures next year!
Hermione
Oooh. Yes. Let's.