Police warn of predators using flowers and chocolate to obtain sex

UK police have issued a ‘code red’ warning saying that the risk of being accosted by a sexual predator is the highest it has been in 364 days, and only just below the all-time high of the 1977 BBC ‘Meet the Presenters’ day.

‘Our intelligence is that a huge number of predators have bought heart-shaped cards to send to women they have been stalking, and in some sick cases the women have been targeted for over 30 years by the same man’, said Scotland Yard chief Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe. ‘While on their face these cards seem innocent and have pictures of teddy bears and ‘I love you’ messages, the implicit threat seems to be ‘submit to my desires or I’ll tear your heart out and replace it with a soft toy’’.

Police warn that predators are becoming increasingly sophisticated in their methods. ‘While the traditional stupefying methods of flowers, chocolate, and cheap wine are still very popular, some men are using ruses like mini-breaks to Paris to get their victims off-guard. Some very disturbed individuals are using sparkly stones to blind their victims into ‘tying the knot’ and becoming some sort of sex slave for life’ said Sir Bernard.

The Scotland Yard chief said that Police are doing all they can to diminish the threat by restricting the ability of offenders to access the stupefying aids. ‘All petrol stations and off-licenses will be in lock-down for the next 24 hours at least. Flower gardens in local parks will be patrolled regularly. And we have asked Boots to treat cheap cologne as a prescription medicine for the day’.

Women’s groups have been quick to advise women that they can’t just rely on the Police to keep them safe. ‘Obviously we don’t suggest blaming the victim, but some simple steps can make a difference’ said Jacqui Hayes of the Femme Alliance. ‘The extreme step of refusing chocolate isn’t necessary if you have stocked up on plenty of shampoo and panadol. Combining that with keeping the TV on the shopping channel and worming the cat will see off all but the most determined predator.’

Even those precautions may not be enough in some areas. ‘It is already too late to prevent a leg-opening massacre in Essex’ said Sir Bernard. ‘Our intelligence is that supermarkets in the area have already sold out of crisps, and predators are known to be armed with the nuclear line ‘fancy a fuck?’’.