Craig Kenneth: 00:33 Hi there. I'm coach Craig. Kenneth, I've coached Margaret and today we're going to be talking about how to know your ex's rebound will fail and we tell you that like, it's a sure thing. Yeah, you probably want to. What makes them think that? Well Margaret and I have like what 50 years of experience between us as a, as a, as clinicians and we have been looking at relationships for a very long time and so, you know, one of the things that you're going to feel is absolutely terrified. If you see your ex date, somebody new. Right? And I know because I happened to you that way and it was the worst feeling in the world because now it goes from just the breakup to feel like you're being replaced and there's no hope, there's no hope. And they did it in five minutes. They got over you in five minutes and jumped into this other relationship.

Craig Kenneth: 01:32 Yeah. Oh my God. They must be more worse with you than you thought. Yeah, exactly. So I've got a quick email and then we're going to talk about this. Okay. They said, hi, coach Craig. I am a huge fan of yours. Thank you so much for everything you do. Huge supporter of yours and just got the workbooks last week. Great. Seriously, they are much better than I thought they would be. I am loving them. I'm saving up to do a skype with you next month. My boyfriend and I were dating for about 10 months. About three months ago he started to blow me off to go out with friends from work. You can always say friends or friends. Yeah, yeah. He started it. He started going out two times a week with them as a group. I didn't think anything of it. Then a few days after he had been out late, he was acting cold and distant. You know when somebody starts to do that, automatically you're like, what do I do? And I think what most people do is I feel like instead of confronting the person right away, they kind of sit back and, and just see what happens, see if it'll show the shelf up. And I haven't decided what I think about that yet. But I'm almost leaning towards. I think it might be better to confront it sooner than later.

Coach Margaret: 03:00 I don't even know if I. Yes, I think you should raise it. I don't know if he should confront, but you should read it and just say are different for the last couple of weeks. Is Everything okay with you? Is there anything you need to tell me? Yeah, I agree. But I think you should let the person know that you noticed. I agree. And game of charades is not working all that well.

Craig Kenneth: 03:20 I can tell you I have talked to a lot of people that will be like, you know, I saw a few inappropriate text messages but I didn't say anything quite yet. And then next thing you know and inspiral that a control. Right, okay. She goes on to say he went from short answers to ignoring me. Then when I was stalking him on social media, I saw him in the background of one of his coworkers, pictures, holding hands with a new girl at his work.

Craig Kenneth: 03:56 Then there was another picture with his arm around her. I was fuming. He looked so happy and in love. I had a feeling he might have been attracted to her. Yes. Yes. So I can see why you were so upset here. Um, at first you thought you were being a good girlfriend, letting him go out and spend time with friends from work. You don't want to be controlling. Next thing you know, you realize it's because there's another woman in the background right now. We don't know what was going on in this relationship. We don't know if you know, you guys have been drifting apart or what had preceded this. Obviously you didn't really get into this, but just taking a look at how to handle this now. What are your thoughts?

Coach Margaret: 04:48 Well, you know, you raised the issue as soon as you can, which at least puts your partner on notice. And once you have this much information, I would certainly put my partner on notice. I am aware of these things, I have seen these pictures and we need to talk to. I would certainly prefer to deal with this upfront than have things underground and undercover and.

Craig Kenneth: 05:10 Sure. Absolutely. So she wants to know how do you know the rebound is going to fail? Okay. Well Margaret and I have seen this time and time again. Of course there are no guarantees and every relationship is different and every breakup is different. We have to say it to you guys because I can tell you in any given day, all of my situations are very different.

Craig Kenneth: 05:38 of course. Sure. So there will be times where your ex and the rebound, uh, won't fall apart. But I would say I think it's at least 95 percent chance that it won't last the long term. Right? Um, because the first thing that I think about is that the main thing going on with this new person is lust. Yes, no doubt. You know, our body is wired that when we are biologically attracted to somebody and feel it, we are overwhelmed by these feelings that we feel like we're, we're high. Yup. Right. And so like, you're just like intoxicated, but this other new person is what's causing the high. You're not giving them that high anymore. You used to, but now the new person is. Right. And so that's normal for that person to be experiencing that and you've got to understand that like a drug addict, they're not going to think about anything else except getting that fix,

Coach Margaret: 06:42 right. However, they're grownups and they are capable of making a decision to not do it.

Craig Kenneth: 06:47 Sure. Uh, but you know, that I think is what happens is that the people are tempted and so they act upon it. They're like, I've got to do this. Maybe it's a spur of the moment thing, maybe it's slowly building up behind your back. Um, but in most cases they don't really know this other stuff

Coach Margaret: 07:08 person. And that's the big one as to why rebounds don't work. They have had a month's long, at least a relationship with you. They have a big investment with you, they've invested time and energy with you and they barely know this person and no you don't know somebody well in a brief period of time, even though you feel like soulmates, you still don't.

Craig Kenneth: 07:31 No. You really don't know this person and they don't know this person and even though they look so happy and excited and like life. Right. Wonderful. Right. It, it just doesn't last. Yeah.

Craig Kenneth: 07:45 Yeah. Yeah. They don't know your acts either and that's a great point is that, you know, I wanted to get into that one too, is that your assuming or you're terrified that your ex is going to attach to this new person and that this is going to lead to something meaningful and long lasting, but attachment doesn't happen easily. No. Okay. You and your ex had an attachment and that special. That's something that's important. That's something that took time and energy. Right? Right. But just because there is lust involved does not mean it will get to attachment and that is what in so long

Craig Kenneth: 08:34 Yeah, and I think that's one of the main things that, you know, you guys got to understand and we're trying to help you get a little comfort here, is that, yeah, they may look great and May, things may look great and I've seen that play out even with the applebee's girl. Then she looked like she was the happiest, most amazing person in the planet with this new guy who I couldn't even understand how she could get past this looks because they looked like a cartoon character bakey buzzard to be. Exactly, exactly. Uh, but you know, it didn't last long and she thought there was going to be attachment, but then what happened? He dumped her because he was on a rebound. I try, he was shot to rebound from yet another relationship. He was truly in love with somebody else. So we want, I wound up marrying.

Craig Kenneth: 09:20 Yes, Merrill that he had wanted to be with for many, many years. Um, so, you know, attachment doesn't often happen right after a breakup. Yes. Short time attachment can happen like maybe, you know, four months or so I feel like is a big thing. And the hormones, never forget those hormones that get us drunk very quickly, but your fear is that they're going to go right into a relationship with that person that's like where your relationship was with them. That may be the product of two or three years and they can't and they don't. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And the other thing that you don't realize is that this other person may know little to nothing about maintaining a healthy relationship. And in fact, you'll find that most of those people have no real understanding of a relationship. And one of the big things that they're probably going to do, and I see this a lot, is the new person comes on too strong and chases your ex right back to you.

Craig Kenneth: 10:26 And if you handle yourself properly and you know what to do, then you can certainly use it to your advantage. Okay. Yes, you can. Yeah. Um, but you know, if somebody's attaches that fast, it probably is to somebody who comes on strong. I hadn't thought of it quite that way and that can put people off. Oh, it does. It does. Yes. Yeah. Especially women. I think women get particularly turned off by a guy whose interest level's too high. Yes. Yeah. They were afraid of being controlled and so, you know, just because everything looks so great and amazing and you know, it feels like the world is gonna end doesn't mean it's going to. Right, right. No, it doesn't mean it's going to. And you need to remind yourself of that because that's certainly what it feels like the world is ending. Yeah, absolutely. Right. So even if your ex is in a rebound, it doesn't mean that you should completely give up hope, but obviously the number one thing you have to do is educate yourself, make personal growth. The number one option for yourself, you know, grow, change, and so when they revisit the idea of coming back to you, you're a lot more prepared to make it last. Also, remember that beating yourself up is the quickest and worst response.

Coach Margaret: 11:54 So the breakup that we can think of and taking care of yourself and working to grow is really the opposite of beating yourself up. Here you go. Yeah, that's a great point. Yeah.

Craig Kenneth: 12:05 So just know that the chances are this new rebound is going to fail and you know, I would love to see comments in the comment section about this. Okay. Because if you have experiences and you see it play out in your relationship or with your ex, right? It share it with people. So they could say, you know what, I did think that was gonna happen and my ex did wind up coming back or it did fall apart with the rebound. So people can see, oh wow, look at all these examples because it's nice to see the examples of the rebound failings.

Coach Margaret: 12:39 And I have seen some very carefully constructed rebound theories that really represent the fears of the person whose been abandoned and they have absolutely no concrete region to back them up, but they just feel kinda sure that that must be going on. Don't do that to yourself. Yeah, yeah. Okay.