Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Today was a monumental day in my life. After much consideration, soul searching, a visit with my former students hair pulling, distress and ice wine, I made a decision to go back to work in my profession. As a teacher.

Well, as a substitute teacher. For now. Until iBean is in school. This way, I can get out of the crazy house and walk into a building as a professional. And get PAID. Cha-ching! Granted, teaching is not really where the big bucks are. If I really wanted to make all the money, I would be pole dancing or backhoe operating. Seeing how I am not so interested in those, although, I have to admit, backhoe operating would make me some sort of superhero wonder woman in iBean's eyes, I chose subbing. I figured, show up, follow someone else's plans, keep the kids from burning down the school, get paid.
Turns out, it's not quite so easy.

Well, it IS easy to keep the kids from burning down the school. Especially since there are no lighters or flammables in their cubbies.

Following someone else's well-laid plans? Also easy. And kinda fun. During the teacher's prep time, I managed to staple my thumb to a bulletin board, break one of the secretary's pens while trying to fix the offending stapler, jam a photocopier, then UNjam said photocopier with my mad skillz. That photocopier is now my bitch.

What was hard?

Having my own kid in the school.
Scratch that. School-Sashimi, whom I had the absolute pleasure of teaching today, is a complete darling. He is curteous, respectful, good natured, and everyone's friend. I was very glad to spend the day with this little boy whom all the teachers have raved to me about.

What was ACTUALLY hard?

Going to meet the kids coming in from recess only to have one of Sashimi's classmates run toward the door yelling "Sashimi's bleeding all over the place!"

And then I heard him wailing. With blood pulsing from his head and nose, covering his glasses. The TA that was with me covered for me while I took him to the office and got help with first aid supplies. He had his hoodie on backward, which I found odd, but since the hood was catching all the blood, I figured it was meant to be. As it turned out, one of his good friends invented a game where he put Sashimi's hoodie on backward, then covered his face with his hood and led him around outside. Into a brick wall.* At forehead breaking speeds. But honestly, what the HELL was I supposed to do? I knew I had to take care of my kid. Which would probably involve a trip to the ER. But I was supposed to be teaching! ACK! But he was crying and clutching my arm! "MOMMY DON'T LEAVE ME!" But I was getting PAID to teach!

So I did what any working mom would do. I called the husband:
"GET OVER HERE YOU HAVE TO TAKE SASHIMI TO THE ER HE SLASHED OPEN HIS FOREHEAD AND I HAVE TO TEACH AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! AAAAAAHHH!"
T: Serious? Like how bad is it?
Me: Bad enough that I have blood all down my elbow.
T: F*$! What I am supposed to do with Keesadilla and iBean?
Me: Take them with you, I guess. I dunno. Or you could wait until Jocelyn gets there to babysit and come pick Sashimi up.
T: I have a meeting at noon, though...
Me: I'm teaching all day...

Dun Dun DUNNNNN. The "whose job is more important" standoff. On my first day back. Honestly, my job is TOTALLY more important (I mean, jeez, I mould the future of our society), but he makes more money with which to buy ice wine, so...

At this point, another teacher offered to cover for me so that I could drive Sashimi to Tony, then as soon as Jocelyn, my best friend/babysitter/doing-me-a-big-favour-in-the-hopes-of-scoring-some-ice-wine got there Tony and Sashimi could take off. It is about 25 minutes round trip, not too long. I even met Jocelyn's car as I was pulling out of our subdivision, so she was only minutes away anyway.

I went back to work thinking HOW DO WORKING MOTHERS DO THIS EVERYDAY?!

I pulled off the rest of the day with minimal glitches. Grabbed a couple of wrong keys, scrolled through my iPod music several times trying to determine which music was actually appropriate for grade 5 and 6 students in the gym (turns out, very little), read a book about why you shouldn't pick your nose, you know, standard elementary stuff. Sashimi made it back to school about an hour or so later with a crazy-glued forehead covered in bandages. He was all smiles, which alleviated my guilt for calling in the husband reinforcements. Tony made it to work mildly late. One less bottle of ice wine for me, I guess.

So, to sum it all up, it was a crazy way to get reacquainted with the workforce. I would not recommend it. The teaching part, super. The blood part, not so super. it was so NOT super it was RUSEP. That's right. I went there.

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*the wall part was an accident. Poor kid felt so bad for hurting Sashimi, he cried and said he would never play that game again. Captain Obvious saves the day!
**Good thing for that hoodie, offering a minute cushioning between Sashimi's face and the wall. It could have been so much worse.
***But then, if he had not been wearing the hoodie, he would not have crashed into the brick wall in the first place. So DAMN THAT HOODIE.
****Whatever.

Monday, 17 September 2012

So...
it appears that I have been on hiatus for some time. The small people have not been very forthcoming with blog fodder, and my life has been pretty boring. But in the spirit of keeping people up-to-date, this post is pretty much about nothing, but informed nothing.

1. Sashimi went back to school. Hallelujah freaking hallelujah! The night before going back to school, while talking about it with my parents at the dinner table, Sashimi looked at me and said: Are you only excited for school to start just to get RID OF ME?! I looked at my mom, who avoided eye contact with me. Tony did the same. What? Am I THAT easy to read? Hell yes I wanted Sashimi out of the house. Not necessarily getting rid of him, but I needed for him and Keesadilla to not be together during the day, you know, make them miss each other, absense makes the heart grow boogers, all that stuff.
2. Buuuuuut that backfired. Turns out that although Keesadilla misses his big brother like crazy, big brother doesn't give a rat's hairy behind about being nice to little brother when he gets home. For the first few days, Keesadilla was so anxious for Sashimi to come home that he would ask to wait for him at his bus stop. Sashimi actually told me that he did NOT want us coming to meet him. Then he hit his brother over the head with a golf club. Or maybe he just shrugged out of a hug. Whatever it was, Keesadilla was not very impressed. I think then there was some punching in the face, and throwing wooden trains at someone's head, or something like that.
3. Topping that craptastic cake off is...drum roll please...sleepwalking! That's right, our oldest child is now a habitual sleep walker. Sleep walker-talker-wanderer-cryer, while his siblings snore soundly in their beds. Sometimes he takes a pee while sleepwalking and I cringe wondering how much of it actually hits in the bowl. Turns out his sleep aim is pretty good. Better than Keesadilla's awake aim. Maybe sleep-Sashimi should teach awake Keesadilla how to take a piss. Now if I could figure out a way to arrange for that to happen...
4. My days at home with only two kids have been quiet. Well, mostly. Kinda. Whiny, actually. I've been working on the whineroad, all the freaking day...and then iBean has learned how to throw little fits. Stomp stomp stomp and arm-flail arm-flail arm-flail. Maybe beat head into cupboard a few times when mommy won't give her any more toddler toothpaste. MAAAAMMMMMY! PAH-PEEEEE!!! NONONONONONONONO!
5. Fortunately for her cuteness sake, iBean has taken up nail painting. Or nail colouring, when nail polish is otherwise unavailable.

All this and I am stepping foot into a classroom in my capacity as a teacher for the first time in over six years. Only I will be a substitute this time. I am figuratively crapping myself. In a good way. Wait, is there any way to crap yourself in a good way? That seems wierd. All I mean is that I am nervous as heck but in a positive "yea me!" kinda way. Can I say "yea me!"? I totally can't get away with "Me Go Girl!" If not for the grammatical absurdity, just for the fact that I don't think I know ANYONE who can pull that off.
Unlike Awesomesauce. I can totally pull that word off.