Thursday, June 24, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired June 12)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 - Rexella comments on the gas prices. Yes, they are high. I’m curious to see where this is going…no wait, of course I know!! JESUS IS COMING!!! And, he’s going to be pissed if he has to pay an arm and a leg for gas. I hope Jesus likes public transit, because he’s going to need it. Actually, I can picture Jesus in a souped-up Honda Civic, with God as a passenger and the Holy Spirit in the back, complaining about not having any leg room because God likes the seat all the way back. I imagine one of the perks of being God would be automatic shotgun.
Uh oh, Rexella comments that women are bad drivers and then Jack complains that when you go to give them the horn, they give you the finger! Which, reminds Jack of this story. A vagrant was outside a restaurant called, “Sir George and the Dragon”. Anyways, the vagrant was so hungry he knocked on the door and a woman answered. He said, “Ma’am, I’m so hungry, I’ll wash the floor, I’ll do the dishes, just please, give me some food.” The woman proceeded to beat him with a broomstick until he was black and blue. A couple minutes later, he knocked on the door again, and this time he said, “Ma’am, do you mind if I talk to George this time?” Get it? He’d already met the dragon!! Of course this relates to Proverbs 21:19 where it says, “it is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman.” Then Jack says, “You know, there are a lot of women out there beating their husbands, not just Liza Minelli”. Man, Jack is ON tonight!!

Back to the bad drivers…. “The chariots shall be with flaming torches in the day of his preparation.” Huh? I guess “chariots” = “cars”, and “flaming torches” = “contentious angry women who give Jack the finger when he honks at them”.

The Offer of the Week!! It’s still that stupid Stephen Baldwin movie. Looks like crap, but it’s probably better than Van Helsing. Hey, it has Julia Robert’s brother in it too! That’s exciting because Julia Roberts won an academy award a few years back.

15:00 - Lots of talk about anti-Semitism. Moral of the story is that “God loves the Jew”. Well, that’s good to know…

I fell asleep and can’t be bothered to go back and watch it again. :-(