Archive for April, 2008

Today we were in a Home Depot when another customer said to us, “You know, they’re giving away kittens back there!” I thought “Great, just what we need. It’ll fill out the food chain, right between the dog and the parakeet.”

Of course, we came home with one.

There are several feral cats living in the home depot. Unfortunately, they are not fixed and so someone found these kittens high up on a shelf in the garden section. This is the second time this year; the first time, the kittens were too young to be separated from the mother and died when removed. When we saw these cats, sitting in the bottom of a cooler in the H.D. break room, I knew right away that they were not entirely well; some of them didn’t move when I touched them (although they were alive). Read more

Mom: Calling stridently: “Close the door!” Now, raising her voice, she announces “You know what will happen! Close the door!” This is not a threat on her part, it’s a warning.

Dorfus: “Muhhmmm! Why do dor de dorf flub glab yubber…” He trails off into submissive silence as mom rolls over him.

Mom: “How many times have I told you! It‘s gonna happen! You know what’s gonna happen!” Really yelling now, she bellows “Close the door!” and motions frantically towards it. The storm door is closed, but the main door is open, yellow light streaming into the darkness like water from a forgotten faucet. Grandmom begins to move sluggishly towards the door.

Mom: <Yelling, alarmed, loudly, as if there is a medical emergency> “Quick! IT‘s gonna happen! Godammit! GO! DO IT!” She waves her hands at them, looking as if she might just drop everything she’s holding and run to the door to close it herself.

Us: Picking up speed to avoid having to sign camera releases for the “Cops” production crew. And thinking, “What the hell is going to happen? What is she so afraid of? What could possibly be inside of that house?”

Looking backward, we see that the house sits innocently like any other. In fact, it has the warm, homey glow of a full house being well-used. The structure is well-maintained and the lawn manicured. What secret horror hides behind this facade? Here is a partial list of possibilities that instantly ran through my mind:

The Estonian mail-order bride who was obtained under false pretenses by this family and kept in bondage in the basement, allowed up only under cover of darkness in order to perform chores, will burst forth, naked and covered in her own filth, wailing in her obscure slavic dialect, and have to be clubbed into submission and dragged back inside by super nazi soccer mom. No dog food will get thrown down the stairs tonight!

Dorfus shambling son’s older brother has used up all of his diapers and thus cannot attend Wal-Mart with the rest of the family, but can’t bear to be trapped in the house while his beloved and comparatively gifted genius of a younger brother walks away. He will burst through the storm door, hairless body slathered with baby oil, also naked and blubbering, wearing his barney-decorated drool cup and scooby-doo bike helmet that prevents him from inducing cranial injury. Super nazi soccer mom knows that it will cost another $180 to fix the door again and, seeing the helmet, is reminded that she’ll never have anything nice. Whipped into a homicidal frenzy, she attacks older brother, who cowers in terror and, crying, is driven back into the house by vicious blows and kicks while begging for the help of his older brother (who stands helplessly outside).

The child welfare agents, tax assessors, and other minor public servants that have been imprisoned by this family while in the course of their duties will escape again, causing no end of trouble. Mom, her tight white lips held in a poker smile, will have to explain yet another time to the cops why her neighbors must have been mistaken about those screams heard at all hours of the night, praying that her invective and explicit threats will keep dorfus and his retarded older brother in line. They had better not say anything about the lime pits in the basement, or so help me god…

If the door is left open, all of the light will leak out, and the house will collapse like a balloon. Then they’ll have to turn more lights back on to fill it up. And electricity is so expensive nowadays...

Mom’s raging obsessive-compulsive disorder will compel her to go back inside the house another time – they’ve been trying to leave since before sunset – and she’ll have to lick the toilet handle again.