Friday, January 29, 2016

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most
tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off
or I'll kick the s#*t out of all of you!' " St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."

Thursday, January 28, 2016

As
you know, my dear people,
the last year for me has been an annus horribilus. The Royal House of
Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances
and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi -
in the furthest regions of our empire. And,
sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve
you, the people. For the next seventeen months I will be traveling
among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I
will be with you in your Wal-Marts and beside
you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy
interstate highways of our land, sharing your poverty and needs.

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were
impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we
hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor that we removed
thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and
gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Shockingly,
unscrupulous and ungrateful officials later forced us to return many of
these treasures. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have
given me just enough for us to scrape by.

During these difficult times, we had to cut back. When our daughter was
married, we only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding. And,
I remember our hopes, as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan
apartment, that one day she would be able to move
on from that humble abode to something more fitting. After working for
MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $600,000 per year, what else could
she do? So I now pay her $3,000,000 a year to run the 'Foundation'.

So, as I travel across our kingdom to meet you all, I will be listening
and sharing with you. Then, when the time for the royal election
(Coronation) comes, I know I can count on you to crown me as your
rightful monarch, with my assurance that I will continue
King Obama’s policies, and we can all live happily ever after.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

I popped my head over my sexy neighbor's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.
"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."
"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"
"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out front."

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