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29 November 2013

When I was a child, years ago, like everyone else I learnt my lessons, it has come to my attention that I learnt them so well they have embedded themselves into every aspect of my relationship life....my relationships with friends, with lovers and even with my own self. This lesson involved abandonment, abuse, neglect, anger, envy and has plagued every moment of my adult life. This lesson was about abundance, money, luxuries and necessities. Now a little while back I asked for the hidden to be seen, little did I know when I asked that the blinders would be ripped off so cleanly that I would be able to see myself so clearly as well, it has been such an enlightening experience to see my own motives reasons and even my own shadows. My largest and most sinister shadow ~ money, abundance, wealth.

This goes far, deep back into the mind of the little girl, there she is, an only child very alone, I had a great longing for friendship and for love, my father my only friend for as long as I could remember had to work at times day and night, for me as a child I saw there was always money around, always the fridge was stocked, we really didn't want for much it seemed to me as a child, except that I missed my father. I felt abandoned, alone, like I could melt into the ground and no one would miss me....they wouldn't even notice I was gone, so I learnt to do just that, shelter, go deep, melt into the walls almost so that I am there and I can see you but you can't see me unless I want you to....I didn't do this to separate myself, I did this to protect myself, to go deep in leaves little room for hurt to find its way through all those layers. The other side of that whole time is that for me that abundance he was creating by his absence meant that there was more abuse, anger and envy.....there were also horrible arguments I watched as a child, always the end result of the money.....never really explained to me what part of the money just that it was due to money.....so I would pull away, go deep in my shell and watch and wait for it all to go wrong again.

It has been a vicious cycle that I have replayed in each of my adult love relationships, worked so hard to get something to the brink of greatness, a future a way forward with some security and I have always pulled away, stopped it shrunk back into myself and blamed something else.....being a witch truthfully its not that hard to manifest the simplest things into large things that make everything go wrong....yes I am admitting that I have drawn to myself all the bad things that have happened to me, every bit of misery in the financial and abundance department of my life has been my fault. Based on my fears and my false perceptions of a child looking at a deeply dysfunctional relationship and finding it sound, of course their arguments weren't always about the lack of money or the having of money, as an adult, mother and wife now I understand that they argued about many things.....I know now the abundance we had was because my father gave of himself completely to the family, because he didn't do boys night or parties, but he worked that way because he had to.....it doesn't change the fact that as a little girl I felt abandoned, and I was abused in those periods, this was later replayed in my relationship with my first husband. Just like my childhood in the moments of the lack of money it seemed the bonds were stronger, we spent more time together, we talked more....we dreamt more together of a future that was bright with our children......there was no money, no distraction only me....was this healthy? hell no! back then it was what we both knew, I wanted freedom on my own terms he wanted mommy. We were together so long because we were young and stupid, we had money; we spent every last bit of it, we lived like we had not lived before.......but the love it slowly died, there were distractions, and things to do that didn't involve each other, friends that pulled us away from each other.....the money flowed the abundance was wonderful.....there were periods in that relationship that were beautiful and kind and precious, they were when things were low; funds, me physically and emotionally exhausted, in those moments him without his distractions me I found that loving place........it all went to reinforcing the abundance brings abandonment and abuse with it.......when that relationship ended I left with nothing except my disgust of money.

My next relationship brings me to my husband, and yes that lesson has been reinforced in this relationship as well......first a glimpse into how the strands have connected for me to see so clearly into this aspect of myself....while preparing for a bath yesterday a section of a comment made by a wonderful sister of mine came to mind and before I could think much of it I could feel the vision of her and I sitting on a patio with golden stone and much greenery....she was asking me why I held back my own abundance, what is it that I found so offensive about money that I self sabotage myself each moment that I should be growing forward on....well at first truthfully I um well I tried to evade her question and told her it wasn't possible that I was doing this to myself, it must be some curse on me, that's it it's a curse from my mother! well she raised an eyebrow at me and yes well with a few words it all hit me, wave after wave of connections, all of a sudden I could see each strand that connected one relationship to the other, the moments that the lesson began in each of them again, along with the exact moment that I chose not to see the pattern......yes I am the cause of my own issues with money......I have allowed my energy to repulse it, shove it away, send it elsewhere because with it comes heartache, pain, misery and loneliness.....I have been my own worst enemy in this fight......and yes even in this relationship this lesson was reinforced, in a different way but well that is for the book.......

I wrestled with this revelation all night, old conversations and the moments the blocks were placed in the way of that energy flow suddenly so evident to me......I knew and know this is something I need to let go of, the relationships that did not survive the moments of abundance died because they were fundamentally toxic, hurtful and just not for me........not because of the money itself but the people involved.....this still left me back at the hardest thing for me to do ever! admitting that yes I want that abundance, yes I want to experience it this time with no fears of it destroying what we have....

Yes I want to release myself and my family from the agonies of poverty once and for all, yes I realize this makes me vulnerable, yes I do realize the book makes me vulnerable to the extreme......yes I am ready for that, the key for me is that this is no longer just about me.....I am not that little girl anymore, and the eyes well now they see across generational patterns rather than just my own......that makes me strong......

23 November 2013

A very long time ago, when I was fairly young I think it had to be about 9, it was deep in the 70's when I think back to what I was wearing, all collars and bell bottom pants.....anyway point of this is I remember my father taking me to a person, I seem to remember a male figure and he was some kind of spiritualist.....I remember he laid his hands on my head, something I was so not sure of and I looked alarmed at my dad who shoosed me and told me it was ok.....after some time I remember being asked to sit while he spoke to my dad, I was young so I was not that interested in what they were discussing and caught only a small sentence that has stuck with me all these years....."she is walking through a very dark tunnel towards the light....." I have thought about that moment often, usually when it is a particularly difficult time in my life.....I think it predisposed me to feeling that dark is bad, that somehow I was shrouded in bad things, bad ways, bad gifts, so I lived it and shielded myself so that never again could anyone see into me.

I find it amazing how our minds can control every aspect of our lives if we allow it, in fact it will even shut out our hearts, I did for long stretches of time. Every time I took a job out in the "real" world, let myself integrate into society and become a drone, this by no means is an insult to anyone else....we all do what we want with our lives, for me I wasn't doing what I wanted, no I was doing the exact opposite.....shutting things down, putting things away and living life blind, without my senses, because opening them up meant opening up my heart....this was not something I wanted to do anymore. As a child I apologized to everyone when they were hurt by others, constantly, even then I never understood why but when I saw someone hurt, physically or emotionally it was like I could feel it so strongly in my own heart that it brought me to tears....I cried alot as a child, more from the pain I felt from others than what I was living through.....I found a way to survive by always feeling everyone else's pain, it kept me from feeling my own. Little did I know then that my little heart was the heart of an empath.....truth is I am an Empath, a Medium, I communicate with animals and the natural world....I see the strands that connect everything and everyone, I always have.....because of fear I did not allow myself to open fully to any of these gifts though. You learn as a child when you extend yourself and get your fingers slapped often enough to stop extending. I have fought and fought that, a virtual war raged within my body....my mind told me to stop, shield, don't show who you are....my heart fills and tells me NO! you can't close out and shut down, I won't let you......it came to me a while ago the truth is I kept myself so busy so that I could not have to make that choice.....it was easier to wrap myself in the pain, fear and anger than to keep going forward. Easy has never sat well with me, thankfully.

The integration finally came, not long ago as I have discussed before but like any life changing, eye opening event I am still feeling the differences.....checking the air pockets as I learn to ride the currents without having to over exert myself and flap furiously, I learn so much from the Eagles that have become my visitors. It has been such an amazing experience to now look at my life through my new eyes....to understand my choices, even see where it connects with places that yes I judged someone else's actions in my life, dooming myself to live their path for that moment so I could understand....I have learnt the hard way not to judge, when my humanness sneaks in I remind myself again not to judge we all are fighting our own battles. Some say that I must have lost my mind, finally unhinged myself to suddenly think that I might have something to share, growth and messages to deliver to others, after all what gives me the right after all I have publicly gone through, the moments of madness and sheer fear from the pressure around me, fear that I would crumble and that the last straw would come and I would give up......I offer this simple fact to all of those that think that, by the sheer virtue of what I have lived, the strength it took to keep going, even when on auto pilot the point is I am still here, a little older around the edges, eyes look a little different, but I am still standing, heart is fully open now....that is why I know I have a story to tell, a path to share and hope to give to those that live through the same things I have and to those that don't then maybe a simple story of life as seen through my eyes.

I learnt to love myself, I finally turned those eyes to me, but I have said this before, although it never gets old, nothing changed in my life, I did not change until I learnt to love myself, in all my imperfectness....in all my moments of insanity, I learnt to love every bit of me, and know myself quite well. Then the test for me came, I am after all a Libra and for me to satisfy both sides of my scale yes I needed to be read.....now I have been read quite a few times through the years, the readings although always good never touched on any of my own inner qualities or the gifts that I had long placed behind my own iron curtain......not the fault of any of the very talented readers that have honored me with their gifts, seriously I hope they understand that.....this time I let the curtain down, well actually incinerated it when the integration happened, so I sat and waited for the words to come from Diane.......I sat in stunned silence staring at the words she was writing to me, never have I been seen so clearly, so openly, and so honestly to my core she saw.....my eyes were opened even further last night....I saw myself through her eyes....it reinforced what I already knew all that pain, all the experiences they were necessary so that I could live through the dark and not allow it to scare me any further, it is not who I am it is a PART of who I am.....I know what I am capable of, and what I am NOT capable of.....I consider myself a lucky woman as I approach the station of Crone....I have the added energy of being Mother and Crone at the same time.....again when have I ever liked it easy!

So some will shake their heads, others will say "pfft she will never get anywhere" I say pfft, for all those that don't believe there will be those that will rejoice with me, grow with me and step along with me on this path of enlightenment, this path of growth and moving forward, leaving our fears behind and knowing that we hold the ability to create our own lives.....anyone that thinks this is about anything else for me needs to look within their own heart and be honest with themselves about where their darkness and fear of it lays....

This now is the crook in the road to the path of the Cracked Cauldron and all it's many gifts of self.......

21 November 2013

Write.....delete....write.....delete and so on and so on, for the last 24hrs this has been what I have done. How do I follow up the last post? especially since it seemed to have offended some, irritated others and well I guess released some and gave them a glimpse that someone else was feeling the way they were too. Funny isn't it? when you find your voice and speak your truth you are always offending someone, why is that? and what I would really like to know is where this measuring stick came from that when someone moves on in their path it seems to make others poke holes at their growth? it sure does seem to me to reek of ego......

I am pretty quiet and stay out of the way alot of the time, I reach out to those that I am guided to, my friends list probably reads like who not to invite to dinner all on the same night, but that is part of what works for me in this life....the differences are what make us whole, if we were all the same this world would be a boring, worthless existence. It reminds me of a story, actually a play I watched in grade school...I was pretty young when I remember because the younger children got to sit up near the front back in the days of sitting crosslegged on the floor in the big classroom aka the jr kindergarten room, it was so exciting it was a play about Christmas. It was called the 365 days of Christmas, I never forgot the title and I never forgot the play. As it started off the characters were waking up on Christmas morning all excited to get their presents, rushing to the tree excitedly ripping off the paper and showing each other, us little people in the audience loved it, but then the next morning came on the stage and they did it again, still happiness just a bit less excitement, by the 10th time there were moans and groans about opening it, about the gift itself and you can just imagine it got worse and worse as the play dragged on......I never forgot that, I think it must be one of the earliest lessons I acknowledged and learnt at the instant it was presented. I want the differences, the cycles, the excitement of the variety of perspectives, thoughts and beliefs. I love a good debate! it stimulates the mind and keeps me young!

I sometimes laugh when someone says something along the lines of how naive I am being just a simple old country bumpkin witch, truth be told I grew up in downtown Toronto in the 70's and 80's, in the inner city not the suburbs....those days I walked through laneways with keys laced through my fingers, I never looked down but made eye contact with everyone, head held high you never showed an ounce of fear, those are the places I come from....my highschool was in one of the toughest areas at Jameson and Queen, and even in all the things we saw there I never ever remember looking at anyone and disliking them based on their belief system, the color of their skin, or their nationality and really none of us were the same we were all different. If we spent more time getting to know the differences, understanding what makes us all tick and honoring it whether it is your belief or not really does not matter, what matters is respect. Maybe that is what I think is missing in this world now, respect.

Pagans say that the Christians took parts of their religion and adopted the stories and changed them to be their own, but then in the same breath some will say that the Christian idea of God does not exist so how can both be true? If they did appropriate the stories then does by that simple fact it not mean that the Christian idea of God does exist albeit in the Pagan's views? why do we have to fight about whether their God or anyone else's God or Goddess exists? I just don't understand and we cannot say that all this anger, frustration and religious fighting is coming from only the Christian side, it isn't.....the sad truth is that even within inner circles everyday people do this to each other Pagan and otherwise, I used Christian's as an example in this but it happens with other religions as well.....my problem with Pagans stems from the fact that I guess I expect more from evolved people, spiritual people, am I expecting too much? If I say thank God will I hear someone tell me that I am using the term incorrectly? will someone else contact me to let me know that I used a solely male term and forgot the female in that? will I offend someone if I claim to have a personal relationship with a Divinity that they may also have a connection with? so should I prepare for the onslaught from those that I offended the other day when I said that for me I knew who my mentors were? does that mean that I was putting down all the others that have worked hard in their way for their own growth? hell no! there is that blasted ego again!

We will never ever get anywhere in this battle to wake up the masses and save our planet if we don't stop fighting over the ridiculousness of wanting to measure our own achievements on OUR OWN PATHS as compared to those that are walking THEIR OWN.....there is no quantitative measure, there is only quality in this.....make your life count, reach out help someone else.....put someone else first.....learn from someone else why they love their Divine energy...share your experiences, live each day for what it is tomorrow is not promised......and for the last time every time someone else speaks their own truth it is not a threat, comment, indication, suppressed anger/passive aggressive shot at anyone sometimes they are simply loving their own life and maybe if we all found a way to love our own too then we would understand that.

Here is a novel idea, why not just realize that that person you just don't understand well maybe they have found their faith in something larger than themselves, maybe it would be so much better for each of us if we invested time in finding our own faith rather than tear everyone else's down. Just this silly old witch's thoughts......

19 November 2013

What happens when the words are strangled? how about when you sit and look at the screen and wonder if the words you are about to say are going to make things worse or better?

If someone were to actually speak to my kids, my husband or those that know me on an intimate or familial level you would know I am not a softie, I am NOT wishy washy and yes I have a big mouth, a fiery temper, and a nasty nasty way about me when crossed you can bet if I have something to say to you it won't go unsaid, but in the same token I am always fair, kind and generous to a fault ~ usually to the point of leaving myself with nothing so that I can give to another. Now if you were to ask in the magical community to those that THINK they know me their answers might be wholly different. At first it really bothered me, I mean really bothered me because in truth to be thought of that way gives off the impression that I am weak, and I know I am far from that, so it took some real time and lots of work to figure out why I kept running into cowardly people that thought they knew so much more, were so much more and could ride roughshod over me at their own whim. Truth is and always has been I bring out the truth in people - good or bad I will always see their true faces, their masks will slip - through their interaction with me their real self, their true reality of what they are will be shown, is that their fault? no it is mine, just like their misguided opinion of me is my fault as well, I have allowed it to happen, and there begins the explanation behind my fractured self.

I went within, I pulled away from everyone, I stopped listening to the random thoughts of others as they bounced them my way, I allowed Spirit to take over, as I used my gifts to see myself this time, the mask I wore became clear. The one of the inexperienced witch, the one with no "formal" training, the victimhood mask, the one that I never ever wanted to be seen as and funny enough those that know me live would never think these things. They have seen me survive that which would destroy most and yet rise to live on. I did not like what I saw. Somewhere between the death of our friend, the loss of everything we dreamt of even our own home and then the brain tumor my son lives with, the pressure finally was too much and I felt it rise and rise. The dragons came then, back up, protection and love from these Elementals is unexplainable. Within their protection I examined all the parts of me that I was unhappy with, disappointed in and even ashamed of. I looked at who I was to my children and what they think of me in comparison to what I was showing the outside world and they weren't the same at all.....almost like I was two different people, and that was it, the cauldron cracked, the pressure did it, I did it, Spirit and the Dragons did it. Then I sat back and waited for the next steps to become known to me. As the stands came I started removing myself from groups, removing people from my circles, reestablishing relationships with others, I started to live truthfully as one whole human being, instead of being me with those I knew loved me and seeming weak in front of those that only pretended to. The last 13 months have been difficult, at times heartbreaking and soul crushing and yet I went on..... the fractured part of me is over now, through the fire was born a whole person, a whole witch, by the fire and the heat of the cauldron I was forged....the fire so hot it cracked the cauldron. I have been demoralized, threatened, cheated, degraded and pushed, there have been lies spread, stories made up and spells cast to hurt me.....yes I even know about those that cast against me.....there is not much that Spirit keeps from my open eyes......the reality for me was that while I kept my true self from being whole in every part of my life not just my personal life, the actions of others just got worse and worse until finally I learnt the lesson, so I don't blame those that caused this in me for they were just vehicles of the Divine sent to show me and push me into being whole, well it worked.

Sadly there are those that did not make the cut, will not be a part of my life and will never no matter how much time passes ever be thought of fondly, some things just cannot ever be unseen. Their masks now permanently off for me, even though others still don't see them clearly, trust me when I say the day will come when all do, the shock for many will be tremendous. I have spent alot of time looking at these situations, seeing where things will end up and knowing that the casts and ill will sent will find its way back to its home, leaving all I love and is a part of me alone, it really saddens me to know that such evolved people are really not so evolved, not so truthful and not really so honorable, but that is their lesson and I leave it to the Fates, the Divine and the Elementals to deal with, me I am just an old time witch. Oh yes and the issue of training is now clear in my mind, how much better could I want for mentors and instructors than those that love the Dragons and honestly serve the Divine without ego, moving mountains to convey those messages rather than their own. I realized I had the strength all along, the connection and the training albeit not conventional, just had to let go of the fear of being judged by the same people that thought they were in a position over me, again my OWN doing, not really their fault they only took advantage of what I gave them to use, ME.

So now this is who I am, I won't be bullied, I won't be pushed and if you cast against me you best be prepared to have it come meet you at your door if not worse. I have no formal training, I only have ME with the power of all I am, all I work with, and all those that walk beside me, so be forewarned. After all you tell me how many witches in the burning times went to witch school? and yes in essence that is what many are still doing to each other now, just cowardly hiding it behind the veils of false civility, sad reality of that is that the so called "muggles" don't need to destroy our community we seem to be doing a grand job of it ourselves.

Everything I am, and all I know has come to me from my ancestors some while they lived others after they passed, Spirit and the Elementals, do you want to question their validity? I know enough to know I sure as hell don't......

12 November 2013

This blog has been coming for some time but today you will not believe what actually brought the words out, guacamole, that's right that green stuff with organic chips, good old avocado mashed up and flavoured perfectly and therein lies the key to the whole thing.

The last year has been an amazing one for me, yes it has been difficult, yes it always is....there is no difference there. Where it has counted though and has been unlike so many others, is that the revelations this year have kept coming.....one after another, one shocker to the next.......not little revelations either, like wow I love the colour blue, more like wow I am reliving my parent's life.......or wow I really have to let go and trust that the Divine has the best interests of my child in mind even though we just found out he has a brain tumour....those kinds of revelations and those are just two examples of what I have lived. Ground shaking, Earth shattering, heartbreaking and liberating all in one. I know I haven't been alone in it, not once was the Divine not right next to me.....how do I know? it is simple I would not have survived all this without Divine support, that's it right there that's all......

I had to remember that, trust it, have faith in it, before I could live it.....sounds simple but its not. In reliving my parents lives I realized as much as I thought I forgave for my childhood truth is I was still judging it, standing back crossing my arms over my chest and saying to myself at least I was a better mother, but that was wrong. I have told the kids forever that life is about choices, about letting go and forgiving, walking and living your own truth, and being responsible for your own destinations, I was far from living it because that one last thing I held back on, my life, its conditions or lack of in my heart were all a result of what I lived through, not the experiences themselves but the words left unsaid, the parts I could not understand....I have always been that way if I could understand you I can forgive you if I can't then well I can't its simple....because I could never understand I never truly forgave. Then I came here and met my husbands family.......there was the usual fanfare, oh so much smiles, even a welcome home party. You would think that makes it all good right, think again after all I am still a witch.......in the middle of the bible belt.

My husband like my father was the somewhat black sheep, the one with a big mouth and a fiery temper that stood up for whatever he wanted or believed in.....it was easy when they could look down on him or feel sorry for him because at that point he was below them in their eyes....that is not the case, and he has grown so much in the last 30 years of his life that well he is not who they remembered......me well the plastic smiles and phony words only last so long, it got to a point I shut down all intuitive thoughts and feelings around them, but that permeated my life and was not a viable option, then the mundane world tried to suck me back in and THAT is definitely NOT an option......so on my birthday this year I sat and thought, and thought and reflected on the last year or two in our lives and I realized I was at that crossroads.....the same one I realize my mother stood at all those years ago when she felt the same from my father's family.....the isolation, ridicule, and ultimately of feeling like she didn't belong amongst those strangers, people that although were not monsters in reality did not realize that the things they said were all directly funnelled to her through her intuition.....she shut it down, only to bring it out in secret, almost feeling like a somewhat criminal should anyone notice or know she did this.....ashamed of who she really was, it embittered her, made her angry and to a certain extent created mental health issues.....it was doing the same to me......I decided to go the other way, change the pattern of the life before me.....I did not do this alone, the Divine walked along with me all the way, now joined by my beautiful and strong Fire Dragon ~ yes he has a name but that is between him and I ~ yes He had joined in my entourage....I say entourage a bit tongue in cheek because truthfully all those that walk with me are so above me, and I admire and love each one, and no where do I equate myself on their same level......no no no I have much to learn still.

So then I decided it was time to start fresh, at the beginning.......that meant taking a good hard look at me, admitting to myself that yes I did not come through it all unscathed, yes I have mental health issues, yes I was raised to believe there was is a stigma to admitting that, but I don't believe that anymore, my daughter taught me what strength is in that respect, so I am admitting it....yes I have issues, yes I know and yes I am working with them. My first step was to recognize my triggers and remove them......this life is about me not about anyone else, and I needed to be authentically me, even though it took me some time to get to the point of facing some of them head on I finally did, and I feel better for it. I also started working more in earnest with Spirit, stopped resisting my own intuition and stopped worrying whether it made sense to me or not and started delivering the messages to those that it showed me they were for. Glad to say that it went well, thankfully those Spirit chose were gracious, lovely and thankful for their messages. It will be a long road for me recovering my strength and belief in myself but one well worth travelling. There will be more triggers I am sure, I will learn from them and let them go, but for now I am happy that this last transformation of me has been so profound that I will never be the same.....

My entourage and I will continue along, with our new added love and protector circling ever present, ever vigilant....My love, my Dragon....we will sit munching happily on organic corn chips and perfectly flavoured guacamole by the kid that should not be able logically to properly flavour anything! that's right my kid.......