Regular Cast:
Ed O'Neill ........... Al Bundy
Katey Sagal .......... Peggy Bundy
David Garrison ....... Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse ........ Marcy Rhoades
David Faustino ....... Bud Bundy
Mike ................. Buck the Dog
Guest Cast:
Bill Erwin ........... Hiram Massey
Debi A. Monahan ...... Hon
Jim Keily ............ Bellboy
Linda Lutz ........... Frieda
Christi Allen ........ Kristi
Caryn Wells .......... Paula
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
Peggy and Bud enter laden with shopping bags. They set them down on the couch.
PEGGY: Gee. Y'know, I have this funny feeling we forgot something. Bud, do you have that
shopping list. [Bud fishes out a list and gives it to Peggy] Let's see... bread, milk,
juice, eggs, cereal... that's what we forgot. We forgot to do the grocery shopping. Oh,
well.
BUD: Nice jacket, mom.
PEGGY: Yeah, it was expensive, but it's daddy's money.
She and Bud laugh.
A car is heard pulling up.
PEGGY: Ooh, it's daddy.
Peggy and Bud quickly hide all the shopping bags, then sit on the couch, waiting. Bud puts his
new skateboard on his lap.
Al enters.
AL: Okay, who went shopping?
PEGGY: Shopping? Hah! Not us. We've been here all day.
AL: Where d'you get the jacket?
PEGGY: [with the price tag clearly visible] Oh, this old thing? How was your day, honey?
AL: Oh, great. Only worked half a day; stopped to get something to eat, whipped out the old
credit card, they whipped out the old scissors and cut it in half. Over-extended again.
Ah, anyhow, I'm a little late because I didn't have any cash, so, to pay for my grilled
cheese I had to unload lobsters for two hours. [walking past] Nice skateboard, Bud.
PEGGY: Well, Bud needed a few things for school.
AL: Uh, well, which class needed a new jacket for mommy?
PEGGY: It was just a cheap jacket! [tearing the price tag apart] I mean, it hardly cost
anything! Just making a big deal over nothing! Y'know, I was just out shopping, and I
wanted to get a little something for everybody.
AL: What d'you get for me?
PEGGY: Oh, that reminds me...
Peggy takes a bone out a bag and runs over to Buck.
PEGGY: Here you go, Buck! He is such a good boy.
AL: He's a throw rug that eats.
Al sits on the couch and begins looking through the mail.
AL: And he gets mail! Look at this. [reading] "Buck Bundy, you may have already won five
million dollars!" My dog's on a mailing list?
BUD: You see, dad, sometimes when you order something in the mail your name goes on a mailing
list.
AL: Well, what did Buck send away for?
BUD: Kelly ordered him a dog collar. It cost forty bucks.
AL: Where is Kelly, by the way?
BUD: Oh, she's out on a double date. Her and two guys. Don't worry, dad. You still got me.
Al pulls something out from underneath him.
AL: Uh, Bud, what is this, it looks like a new videogame I'm sitting on?
BUD: Well... it wasn't as much as mom's coat!
PEGGY: Was so!
BUD: Oh yeah, what about the watch?
PEGGY: Well, what about the attitude "Dad'll just have to sell more shoes"?
Bud looks at Al, smiling innocently. Al puts his arms around Bud and Peg's shoulders.
AL: Yeah, when the truck was taking me to the lobster warehouse I said... I said to Sven:
"You think it's all worth it, buddy?" and Sven said, "Ven it's for the family it's
always vorth it." He also said that a lobster couldn't pinch through an athletic
supporter. Sven was 0 for 2 today.
The doorbell rings. Al goes to answer it.
PEGGY: [to Bud] Next time I spend daddy's money I'm spending it alone!
Al answers the door to Marcy, who is holding a package.
MARCY: Hi! This came to our house by mistake. It's for you, Al.
AL: It's for me? Hah hah! Finally something for me! Wonder what it is. [opening the package]
Hah hah hah hah... [starts pulling out records] "Yodelling Andy's Train Songs." "Yodelling
Andy's Yodelling Songs." "Yodelling Andy Yodels the Blues" "Best of Yodelling Andy"... oh,
and Yodelling Andy's bill for a hundred and eleven dollars. Peg?
PEGGY: Not me.
AL: Bud?
BUD: Yeah, right. That's all my record collection was missing. Now I've got something to put
between my Trini Lopez and Burl Ives.
AL: Well, it's not Kelly, our names are spelled right. So... so you didn't order this? Now
how am I gonna come up with $111? How am I gonna pay $111?
PEGGY: Well, if you didn't have that grilled cheese sandwich you could have put it on your
credit card.
AL: Peg, if your father didn't lace that lemonade with vermouth I'd be single.
MARCY: You don't have to pay for those albums, Al. The law says that if you get something you
didn't order, not only do you not have to pay for it, but you can keep it and use it.
That's how we got that "Facts of Life" talking scale. Anyway, Steve's out gassing up his
Mercedes, then we're going shopping. Wanna come, Peg?
PEGGY: Oh, Al, can I?
AL: Hah hah hah, sure. And if Sven doesn't need any more help with the lobsters, maybe I can
get a job in the zoo circumcizing the Tasmanian Devils! Ah, nobody goes shopping 'til I
get some more money. [gets up] As a matter of fact, nobody goes shopping when I get some
money, because I'm going to apply for more credit cards in my name only. Marcy, now -
now you work in a bank. You guys give out credit cards, right?
MARCY: [uneasily] Uh... no. No, we don't.
AL: Well, you do give out loans, though?
MARCY: Uh, no. Not anymore. You're thinking of a different kinda bank, Al.
AL: But you're a Savings and Loan, aren't you?.
MARCY: Well, yes, we are. But we just call it that, y'know, to get people to come in. Oops, I
think I hear Steve. Coming! Oh, Steve, there you are.
She leaves, pretending to be kissing Steve.
AL: We don't need her. We don't need either of 'em. Well, actually we do need Steve, 'cause
I don't have any gas and I don't have a credit card, so Bud, we'll be needing the
siphoning hose.
BUD: Right, dad.
AL: Now Steve's gas oughta take care of us 'til Thursday. But now I'm gonna take care of
all our credit problems.
PEGGY: Well, y'know honey, I don't know much about these things, but it seems to me that when
they take a buzz saw to your credit card in public, it's just their way of saying "get
lost, deadbeat."
AL: Well, we'll just send for some we don't have. How're they gonna know you broke me? Ah,
credit's so easy to get these days. These companies will just fight for a new guy like
me.
FLIP TO:
SCENE TWO
A few days later. Al and Peg are sitting on the couch, looking through some letters.
AL: Everybody said "no"?
PEGGY: No. Everybody said "get lost, deadbeat."
AL: Y'know, the sad part is, Peg, I lied about my income.
PEGGY: I do too, dear. [looking through some more mail] Hey look! Here's a lingerie offer for
Buck Bundy. Hah hah hah... and our assemblyman would like Buck Bundy's vote. And this
real estate agent says "let me sell your house, Buck Bundy."
AL: Hm. Is there anything there that says "we wanna make a coat out of you, Buck Bundy"?
PEGGY: Al, you're just jealous of the dog.
AL: Hm, I'm jealous of anybody not married to you.
PEGGY: Here's something I missed. Oh, look, it's a credit card!
AL: Hah hah! See? I told you anybody can get a credit card!
PEGGY: "Anybody" did, Al. It's for Buck! [Al looks exasperated] And you couldn't even get a gas
card!
Peggy laughs.
Bud comes in.
PEGGY: Hey Bud, Buck got a credit card.
BUD: Wow! Dad can't even get a gas card?
AL: Hey, I know what we can all do. Let's get out into the water treatment plant, and you
can all take turns throwing ol' dad into raw sewage.
PEGGY: Come on, honey. It's funny. I mean, Buck got a credit card and he didn't even apply for
it!
BUD: Yeah, he didn't ask for it. Hey, remember what Mrs. Rhoades said about those Yodelling
Andy records? They send you something and you didn't order it, you can keep it, use it
and not pay.
PEGGY: Oh, Al. You think we could?
AL: Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck. What are they gonna do, sue a dog? Arrest
'im? Cuff 'im? Beat the hell out of him? And what if they did?
BUD: Dad, I think we've just stumbled onto a major financial breakthrough here.
AL: You bet we did. Good boy, Buck! Let's hit the stores!
They start to leave.
AL: Now wait a second. How are we gonna get there? I don't have any gas, and, uh, gas
stations don't take these cards.
Steve is heard arriving in his car.
STEVE: [o.s.] Marcy, I'm home! [closes the door of the car]
AL: Get the siphon hose, Bud. We're going shopping.
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
Yodelling Andy music plays.
The Bundys' living room is now full of expensive purchases. Bud is riding on a ski training
machine. Al and Peg are dancing to the music. Peggy is wearing a fur coat and a lot of jewellery.
PEGGY: Hey, Bud, did you call your sister at her grandma's and tell her to hurry home and enjoy
this while it lasts?
BUD: Oh, yeah! Oh, I'd never forgive myself if she missed this.
He grins to himself.
AL: Peg, what d'you wanna do tonight?
PEGGY: Oh, I don't know. All the stores are closed and... there's never anything to do around
the house. [she picks up a ping-pong ball and paddle and starts playing with them] Hah
hah hah... I need a vacation.
AL: Well, that's not a bad idea. I wouldn't mind getting outta here for a couple of days.
PEGGY: Oh, gee, Al, I'd love to. But you know it wouldn't be a real vacation if we, uh, had to
take... ud-Bay.
BUD: She means me, dad.
AL: Oh.
BUD: Don't worry about me. You deserve a good time. I'll manage. Somehow.
PEGGY: Yeah, but who's... who's gonna stay with you?
BUD: Uh... Kelly, yeah yeah. When I called her she said she'd be coming home early.
AL: Well, they got plenty of fancy hotels downtown. We could check into one of those and be
only twenty minutes away.
PEGGY: Oh, Al, could we?
AL: Heh, as long as I'm not paying for it, nothing's too good for my wife.
SCENE TWO
A hotel suite. More Yodelling Andy plays.
Al and Peg are sitting in a hot tub, drinking champagne, smoking, and looking wealthy.
AL: [yodelling along the music] Hah hah hah hah hah! Y'know, I know someone must have said it
before, Peg, but it's good to be rich. Changes your whole outlook on things, I mean,
here we are in the same room, and not once have I thought about sitting in the car,
closing the garage door and letting the engine purr me to sleep.
PEGGY: I know, sweetie. Many's a time I thought of you doing that, too. [Al and Peg throw
each other a kiss]
AL: It's all behind us now. Hah hah hah! Hey, anybody for some more Yodelling Andy?
PEGGY: You know, Al, maybe we should give Yodelling Andy a rest. We've already gotten complaints
from the neighbors in the next suite.
AL: Ah, that champagne I sent them oughta shut them up. See, that's how rich people shut
each other up, Peg.
Somebody knocks at the door.
AL: [to a bellboy] Hey, you. The guy with his thumb in my Vichyssoise. Open the door!
PEGGY: We're obnoxious, but we'll give you a big tip.
BELLBOY: Well, then it's OK.
PEGGY: If it's our children, tell 'em we're not here. Hah hah hah hah hah!
A Bellboy gives Al the bill.
BELLBOY: Here's your bill, Sir.
AL: Uhuh, uhuh, uhuh... [Al looks at it] Peg, you gotta see this.
PEGGY: Oh ho ho! That's more than you earn in a week!
AL: And you didn't wanna get a dog! Ha, let me just write in your tip. [writes an amount in]
BELLBOY: Oh, Sir...
AL: That oughta keep you grovelling. Let me sign it: [signing] Buck... Bundy. Hah hah hah!
There you go.
The bellboy lights up Al's cigar as he puffs on it.
AL: See the look on the bellboy's face, Peg?
PEGGY: On his face? Hah hah. No.
Hiram Massey, on elderly man, enters.
HIRAM: Mr. Bundy?
AL: I'm Bundy.
HIRAM: My name is Hiram S. Massey. Sorry to disturb you while you bathe, but my wife and I
wanted to thank you for the champagne. It's her favorite.
AL: Great minds drink alike. [laughs with Hiram] Where is the old bird, anyway?
HIRAM: Well, she's a little shy. Come on in, Hon. It's OK.
Mrs. Massey - Hon - enters. She is a young sexy babe.
HON: Hi.
Al looks at her. The cigar he has in his mouth slowly rises.
HON: Thanks for the bubbly. [giggles] It's my favorite.
AL: Thank you.
HON: But I didn't do anything.
Hon sits on chair, in front of Al, and crosses her legs.
AL: Oh, yeah, you did. [to Hiram] You old dog, you!
HIRAM: I could say the same thing about you.
AL: Nah, you could say the same thing about her.
Peggy hits Al.
HON: Gee, you have a lot of food in here. Hiram ordered our dinner two hours ago, but they
said that all the bellboys were in here. Do you mind if we join you?
AL: Sure, dive in.
Hiram and Hon stand and shed their robes. We see Al and Peggy's faces. Al is amazed at the sight,
Peggy absolutely horrified.
SCENE THREE
The Bundy living room.
Bud is lying across the laps of two young girls, Kristi and Paula, one of whom is feeding him
grapes, the other filing his nails.
KRISTI: Gee, Bud. I don't know why I've never noticed you before.
PAULA: Yeah. You're really cute. Thanks for the TVs.
BUD: A drop in the bucket. [doorbell rings] Oops! Must be my masseuse.
Bud answers the door to Steve.
STEVE: Oh, hi, Bud. Uh, listen, I came over to ask your father something. He knows a lot about
cars. My new Mercedes is getting three miles per gallon.
BUD: Listen, Mr. Rhoades, I hope you don't think I'm a bad host here, but I'm moments away
from truly understanding Hef.
STEVE: Wait a second! Where d'you get all of this stuff? Ooh, a ski training machine! Who can
afford a ski-training machine? I'd love to have a ski-training machine!
BUD: Yeah. Sure you would, Mr. Rhoades. Bye!
STEVE: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second. Bowling Balls. Radios. TV Sets. Your father is a
pauper. What's going on here?
BUD: Mr. Rhoades, please, go downstairs and play in our wine cellar. According to dad, all I
need is a few minutes.
STEVE: Uh, Bud, I'm gonna make this short and sweet. Your father has a lot of stuff. I want some
stuff too. All I wanna know is how did he get it.
BUD: Dad told me not to tell you.
KRISTI: Bud?
BUD: Coming, dear.
Bud sits back on the couch with the girls. Steve sits next to Bud.
KRISTI: Bud, we have to be home soon. [points at Steve]
STEVE: But I've got all night.
BUD: OK, Rhoades, you win. They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask
for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.
STEVE: Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
BUD: Sure.
STEVE: Then it's a prison he'll be going. You might wanna let him know.
BUD: Well, he's sorta at a hotel.
STEVE: Then he's sorta in big trouble. Hah hah hah hah!
KRISTI: Gee, Bud. What's the matter?
BUD: Nothing that can't wait.
SCENE FOUR
Al, Hiram and Hon are in the hot tub. Peggy is lounging on a chair nearby.
HIRAM: Hah hah hah, Peggy, are you sure you don't wanna join us in here?
PEGGY: No, thanks. I'm fine, right here.
Peggy eats a grape from a bunch that the bellboy is holding.
BELLBOY: Here's your bill, Sir.
HIRAM: Let me get that.
AL: No, no, no, my tub, my grub. Just put it on my tab. Ooh!
HON: Oops! [giggles] Sorry...
PEGGY: Did you drop the soap again, sweetie?
HON: I don't know what's wrong with me tonight.
PEGGY: Well, if you can't find that one, I have a nice fresh bar I'm sure we could find some
place to stick...
AL: [cutting her off] Peeeggg! Now they're guests in our tub. It was a total accident. [to
Hon] You can look for the soap all you want, dear. [moments later] Ooh!
HON: Oooh! [giggles]
HIRAM: You know, Bundy...
AL: Buck!
HIRAM: Buck. I could use a man like you.
The phone rings.
PEGGY: Carlos! El phono!
HIRAM: I wish you were available. I need somebody to manage my operations in Houston.
Peggy looks over, intrigued. She slides off the lounge chair and crawls over to the hot tub.
HIRAM: You'd be perfect. You know anybody like you who wouldn't mind starting out at a hundred
grand a year?
AL: I'll take it!
PEGGY: He'll take it!
HIRAM: Oh, now Buck, we're talking a lousy hundred grand here. Why would you wanna start over
on the bottom?
PEGGY: Oh, my husband belongs at the bottom! [climbing into the tub with her robe still on,
squeezing herself between Al and Hiram] He loves the bottom! In fact, he is the bottom!
Oh, here's some soap. [gives soap to Hon] Play, play, play! Oh, Mr. Massey, my husband
needs the bottom. I mean, sure the money is a joke. Hah hah hah hah hah! Just send me
the check and give him the job.
HIRAM: Well...
The bellboy returns from the phone call.
BELLBOY: Mrs. Bundy, I have a message from your son.
PEGGY: I am very busy.
BELLBOY: Oh, it's a very interesting message.
They all look up at the bellboy.
SCENE FIVE
Two men are carrying out the last of the Bundys' purchases. They stop to pick up Buck's bone from
the dog's mouth. Peggy quickly grabs the bone from them as they pass her.
PEGGY: Well, it was nice to be rich. Even if just for a little while. And now we're poor again.
[sits next to Bud] I'm just sorry I had to give everything back.
BUD: [smiling] Not everything, mom.
PEGGY: Y'know, luckily the credit card company was so embarrassed about giving a dog a credit
card they decided not to press charges. They just impounded the stuff.
BUD: Where's dad?
PEGGY: Well, it seems that you can't impound fifteen hundred dollars worth of hotel services
and food, so we all got together and discussed it. Everyone was real nice. And the
upshot is: Daddy will be working days in the shoe store, and nights, well...
SCENE SIX
The hotel suite. A fat lady named Frieda is bathing in the hot tub, eating.
FRIEDA: Boy!
Al enters. He is wearing a bellhop's uniform.
AL: Yes, ma'am?
FRIEDA: My lobster's cold.
AL: I'm sorry, ma'am.
FRIEDA: Oh, and, [reading his name tag] Buck, I need someone to scrub my back. [Al shakes his
head] I'm an excellent tipper.
Al starts to unwillingly scrub her back. He grimaces.
FRIEDA: Good boy, Buck.
THE END