A blog expanding on the subjects discussed in our movie "Science Sex and the Ladies." We blog critically on a specific intersection of science, sexuality, and feminism; particularly paying attention to how female sexual response is discussed, portrayed, and studied in our culture. So...if you're interested in science, sex, lady stuff, or indie movie making...this is the blog for you.

5.06.2014

How to Tell Him You're Faking Orgasms...Or Things That Are More Complicated Than We Let On

I was Googling around about orgasm faking, and found How To Tell Him You've Been Faking It on the Cosmopolitan website. So this is an old article from Cosmo. It talks about November 4th being Cosmo's International Don't Fake It Day. I think this post was from 2013, but I'm not sure. Anyway, point is - I am not writing this on Cosmo's International Don't Fake It Day, I'm actually writing it on Cinco de Mayo - so Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Back to not faking it. I can get behind a not faking it day. Part of an Orgasm Equality Movement would be for women to "come out of the closet" about our orgasmic/non-orgasmic experiences - for women to be honest to ourselves, our partners, and in the media. I actually think the article is fine. It starts talking about an Indiana University Kinsey Institute study where 89% of the men said their lady had an orgasm last time they had sex, but only 64% of the women said they did. The conclusion was that there is a definite gap between what is actually happening with the ladygasms and what men think is happening. I don't know much about the actual study, but I think it's pretty much established that women do, in fact, say or insinuate they orgasm sometimes when we don't, so I'm cool with that conclusion. The sexpert for the article is IU's own Debby Herbenick. She's there to advice how to come clean without hurting his feelings, and she has some good advice. Emphasize your role in it so as not to be so blame-y blamey. Reassure him that it wasn't all bad and that you've enjoyed stuff without orgasms also. Be specific about what you want to get you there, and my favorite piece of advice - talk about using a vibrator during sex (vibe that clit, ya'll!). It's good advice, and even though there is a kernel in me that feels like, "fuck a dude's feelings. He's not the one who's been having sex with no orgasms for months/years/decades." I also know that we often love these dudes, and they love us. They (if they're not assholes) want the best for us,and it probably hurts them to know that something so lovely for them has been such a source of stress for us. It's hard to find out your partner has not been completely honest. More than that though, they have probably just been doing the best they can with the information they've been able to get, just like we ladies have been doing, and it's just terrible information. These dudes aren't to blame, we ladies aren't to blame, but at the same time we're all to blame, and we all have to get our shit together to solve it. So, it's delicate and complicated, and the advice here is fine.However, I just want to point out how complicated and tricky this whole faking situation is for women. It's not like we just outright one day declare to ourselves that we're going to fake it, and then boldly and brashly do so. It's not usually like that. It just happens - maybe because we didn't know what to do that first time when we expected one and there was clearly no way it was gonna happen. Maybe it was because we just made sounds we thought we should make, and they got misconstrued. Maybe we had no idea what an orgasm was until we masturbated on our own 3 years later. Maybe we kinda thought we were orgasming - like a different kind of intercourse orgasm thing. Who knows, but it's just plain not simple. We can fool ourselves. We may come clean, but we also may have no idea what to tell them to do to make us actually orgasm. We may be really confused because what we need doesn't look like anything we've seen in porn or romance novels. There is more self-doubt, and ignorance, and confusion that we'd like to admit. Herbenick approached this when she pointed out from her research

that women are much more likely than men to indicate that they’re “not sure” if they had an orgasm during their most recent sexual experience. Men almost always know because there’s physical evidence, but women (especially younger women) routinely express confusion and ambiguity."

She goes on to say

If this sounds like you, Herbenick recommends telling your guy: “I was reading in Cosmo that women don’t always know when they have orgasms, and it got me thinking. What we do feels incredible, but I think that if we try something a little different, I might be able to experience something more intense. I’d love to try that with you.” This way he won’t think that everything he’s been doing is wrong... and he might be intrigued by the potential to bring you even greater pleasure.

Again, not bad advice, but I think we could look deeper into this issue. Why are women so much more confused about whether they have had an orgasm or not? Is it really just that there's not ejaculate that visibly signifies it? I mean, I'd venture to say that the feeling of an orgasm may not always be what you'd call mind-blowing, but it's not like it's always super hard to tell that it occurred. Maybe, just maybe, this confusion Hebernick is seeing in her research also comes from the disjuncture between our culture/media/sexed/etc. convincing us (and our partners) throughout our whole lives that intercourse should make us orgasm and our actual experience where we don't have an orgasm when we have intercourse in real life. It is confusing when you think something should happen but it doesn't. It's like that test when people are asked to taste a fruit flavoring and the expected color doesn't match the taste. People get confused and actually convince themselves that they are tasting the wrong flavor. Anyway, I'm all about coming clean with faking, but there is a bigger conversation here. This shouldn't be discussed as a simple personal choice/personal problem issue. This is a systemic, complicated problem, and we need to start digging deeper or nothing is going to change.