"Avoid using words such as 'mate,' 'love' or 'darling'—they may sound friendly to you, but they could offend some people," he read on an April Tuesday.The banishment of pet names that roll freely off the tongues here has stuck a stick in the spokes of pre-race preparations for the first part of the 2,270-mile Tour de France cycling race, which begins in Yorkshire this summer. The race hasn't started in England since 2007.

My first thought was, "Really? Who's going to be offended by that?" But then I read on:

Mr. Watt, a Tour de France volunteer from Edinburgh, said the first time a male bus driver called him "love" he did a double take. But now that he's lived in York for years, he embraces it.
Ah, I see. In Yorkshire, men call other men "love." Yeah, that's not going to sit well with your typical American moron. (Yes, I realize "American moron" is redundant, like saying "ATM machine" or "Schleck crash.") Just imagine typical American Keith Maddox were to come over for the race, and some affable Yorkie were to call him "love." Can you imagine his response?

(Artist's rendering of Keith Maddox. The tan line is from his kippah.)

But that's not all, and the tourist visiting Yorkshire also runs the risk of being called "petal dust:"

He said he especially likes it when a colleague refers to him as "petal dust" or when he walks into his local bar in York and the bartender calls him "flower." (Mr. Watt, himself, only uses "mate" and mostly avoids referring to people as "pet," "duck" or "treasure," terms used in the region.)

"Petal dust?" What does that even mean? Sounds like something Chris Froome would say to taunt Alberto Contador:

("Eat my pedal dust, Fingerbanger.")

Or else something teenagers would use to get high:

(Teenager getting high off "petal dust.")

Anyway, apparently whoever wrote the manual is afraid of exchanges like this:

Many from Yorkshire say the terms of endearment are part of being polite. If, for example, tourists get too close to the cycling route, someone from Yorkshire might say: "Excuse me love, can you move back?"

What, this is a problem? It sure sounds a lot better than the "Move it, asshole," you'd get if the Tour came through New Jersey.

I only skimmed the article because I was high out of my mind on petal dust, but among the points it raises is that even classical musicians use drugs to aid their performance, so what's the difference when athletes do it?

There are many other forms of mental doping. An essential test of archery, shooting or snooker is the ability to control one’s nerves. Propranolol, widely used by classical musicians to improve performance, reduces anxiety and tremor. Stimulants such as modafinil (a wakefulness and attention promoter) has recently been used in sports such as running, shot put and baseball, and stimulants similar to amphetamines have long been used in baseball, cycling and other sports. These are all forms of mental doping. Since they undermine the need for courage, determination and ‘toughness’, our very nature as human agents, they should be banned.

Anyway, I'm tempted to say the answer to doping is for us all to stop taking sports so seriously and come to terms with the fact that most of what we're watching is bullshit, but given that we're still willing to believe in ideas as absurd as "religion" and "God" then the chances of our accepting the truth as far as sports are concerned is virtually nil.

So one day I'll be able to "walk" into a "virtual" fixie boutique containing almost no merchandise and make my avatar stare at a blank wall? Sure, that sounds way better than the Nashbar website.

If you're wondering why the video comes to an abrupt end, it's because that's the moment in which the sun goes supernova and we're all reduced to cosmic petal dust.

Speaking of art, I received an email from the Oregon Manifest about the "City Helment Series:"

The first thing I noticed of course was that they misspelled "helment" in the graphic, so I corrected it for them:

Anyway, here's what it's about:

5 HAND-PAINTED HELMETS FROM THE ARTISTS OF ARTCRANK!CHI, NYC, PDX, SEA, SF! We've teamed up with the talent magnet that is Artcrank to create one-of-a-kind helmet designs celebrating our five cities.An Artcrank artist from each city has been busy working on a one-of-a-kind helmet design inspired by cycling in their city. In the weeks ahead we'll be releasing the individual designs and sharing "making-of" videos showing their design process from beginning to end.On July 25 at our five reveal parties, we'll be raffling off each city's helmet to benefit our bike advocacy partner in that city. You could win a one-of-a-kind helmet and support your local bike advocacy group at the same time!

Naturally, I wanted to see who they'd chosen to represent New York City. "Let me guess, it's someone who lives in Brooklyn," I thought, and of course I was right:

Her illustrations are inspired by the magical mysteries of nature, the quiet stories that lace through everyday life, and the bold colors of her native India.

Sounds lovely and all, but I'm not sure what that has to do with something that's ostensibly made to keep your head from getting smashed in on the mean streets of New York City. I certainly don't care for graffiti "art," but if there was ever an opportunity to get someone who's handy with a can of spraypaint to make a badass helment that looks like a shattered skull covered with spikes then this would be it.

Then again, sometimes I forget I'm old, and that the new New York City is about sunshine and petal dust and pickling tomatoes and keeping chickens in your backyard and "curating" an apiary.

You know I didn't actually think about it, but we probably have reached Peak Art. Art is done by people whose basic survival needs have already been taken care of, so art tends to happen only where there is abundance.

Anyway the Tour is full of shit, like we needed more evidence of it. Their slogan is "When in Rome, tell the Romans to please stop being so Roman-ish or else it might offend all our deluded drugged-up money-whores and their sycophants."

I learned a lot of the Tool & Death trade from a gentleman named Winston from merry Ol' England. He let me call him a Wanker for about 6 months before he said, "You know....you are basically calling me a Jackass."

I wonder if they know how much more Yorkshire council paid for the privilege to host than, say, the last remote location? That money went somewhere and not in a good way.

In all seriousness, Yorkshire's a great place to ride... if you can deal with the traffic, the inconsistent weather. I don't know if they still permit smoking in the pubs, but it made things difficult for me and my delicate sensibilities to just enjoy a pint.

Oh here we go. Why oh why do people do that!? You should have told him that calling someone a wanker is actually a compliment. Everybody knows a cocksucker is a good thing, but we use it as an insult. What's up wif dat?!

I am a proud and happy wanker.

Er, and it's not technically riding. I am simply using Bea bike as a wheelchair here in the hood.

It seems the main problem with the Yorkie nicknames is that they're too affectionate(*), so how about calling people something like Lovelydouche, Magicalcunt, or Fucky to kind of temper it a bit?

(*) Well of COURSE an overly affectionate salutation is a problem, becauseA) it 100% means they're gay (science)B) that TOTALLY MATTERS, and specificallyC) all gays should go fuck off instead of constantly trying to get into our asses all the time because we're so freaking HOTthereforeD) upon being treated nicely by a member of the same sex, it is necessary that one should fly into an angry rage immediately.

Snob PLEASE include a TRIGGER ALERT before posting any photos of HOT CHICKS in the blog. I come here expecting to see images of emaciated professional riders and schlubby Portlanders with stupid tattoos and so it was deeply disturbing to be reminded that the world does not consist solely of these people!!!

And lastly, Are there notable Yorkshire sheepshaggers? A Wiki sample: Captain James Cook, Guy Fawkes, the Bronte sisters, and Joe Cocker. Don't see a pattern except for the penchant for shagging sheep, I suppose

Interestingly enough, the guy who wrote the article about classical musician doping is called Savulescu, which is a Romanian name. Like Ceausescu (our world famous dictator), Draculescu (Dracula's original name before moving to LA) and George Enescu. The latter is not only a famous Romanian composer (well, famous in his hometown still means famous) but also - prepare to be shocked - Yehudi Menuhin's teacher!!!!!Mere coincidence? I think not. We Romanians hate each other on principle and hate the fact that we were born Romanians. Savulescu's article is a barely veiled attempt to discredit our most famous composer. Or perhaps even sinisterer motives are at play here. Anyway, dear Mr. Bikesnobnyc, will you please write something about the World Football (or Sucker, as you Americans call it) Championship in Brasil? Way more people are watching that than Tour de France.

"Anyway, I'm tempted to say the answer to doping is for us all to stop taking sports so seriously and come to terms with the fact that most of what we're watching is bullshit, but given that we're still willing to believe in ideas as absurd as "religion" and "God" then the chances of our accepting the truth as far as sports are concerned is virtually nil."

You keep taking it to the next level. How could global warming be true if the AntiChrist is suppsed to be the big evil we await? And anytime you mention Nashbar It makes me smile. Do you run any of their gear besides the closeout chamois cream?

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!