Saturday, December 3, 2016

This might be a "please bear with me" blog post. So please bear with me.Introduction

I saw a picture of Dan Quayle in the news today.The picture accompanied an article about Quayle meeting with President-elect Trump. Presumably they discussed some cabinet position. "Secretary of Spelling the Word Potatoe", perhaps.While reading the article and glancing at the photo, it occurred to me that Dan Quayle bears a passing resemblance to Hal Steinbrenner.The IdeaHmmm, I thought. It might be fun to do a "Separated at Birth" spoof of Quayle and Hal. They're both a couple of deer-in-the-headlights rich boys who had a lot of things handed to them at birth but who have underwhelmed ever since. And they kinda, sorta look like each other.

Maybe there's some potential for humor, I thought.The SearchI conducted an exhaustive 20-second Google search and every picture I found of Dan Quayleshowed the former Vice President smiling. Sometimes he's smiling genuinely and sometimes he's got a cheese-y pasted-on politician smile (like the one above), but our boy Danny Quayle is always smiling, darn tootin'.I thought to myself, "Ok, now I need to do another Google image search to find one of Hal Steinbrenner smiling. I'll put their photos side by side, then I'll write it up.""No problemo", I thought. "Piece of cake."The DiscoveryI did a Google Image search on "Hal Steinbrenner" and browsed through the images of Hal, looking for a shot of him smiling.There weren't any. Good Lord, the guy doesn't smile.

I looked through the 1,000 or so images returned by Google and there's only one that shows Hal smiling. In this single solitary photo, Hal's smile is a little Nike swoosh of a sideways smirk. I circled it in red below in case it's not obvious.

But look at all the others! Compare the circled shot to all the others in the pictures above. The other photos show what you ALWAYS see Hal looking like. You can look through hundreds and hundreds of images of Hal and you won't find any of him smiling. Not one. None. Nada. Zip.

Believe me, you can click the "Show More Images" button as many times as you'd like, but you'll only find photos of Hal like the one on the right.I mean, here the guy is, out with his wife for a nice night at the ballpark and he looks like he's been told that ISIS has formed a sleeper cell in the home team dugout and those mischievous utility infielders have peed in the hot tub in his private Jim Beam suite. Again.Meanwhile, his wife is smiling like she's married to the guy who owns the ballpark.What gives?

An Analysis for Another Time

Since we are all highly qualified and expertly trained sports psychologists, we should discuss our individual theories why Hal is never seen smiling in a photo. Is it because Sabathia told him he'd give him a monster wedgie if he dares ever to set foot in the locker room? Is he concerned about his brother Hank's smoking? Is Hal upset because he's realizing it was a bad idea to rent out his stadium to a soccer team because, you know, after you take their money, they're actually going to play there? Is he sad because he's got to pay A Rod $27 million just to kiss himself in a gym mirror?Is that grim look pasted on his face because he just finished puberty and now realizes that, in a gush of misplaced teenage enthusiasm, he tore down Baseball's One True Cathedral and put up The Mall of America?Or is it just because his team sucks and he doesn't know what to do about it?

We could discuss this at length. We probably should. But I don't want to throw us off track. I'd like to propose a challenge.The Hal Challenge

I challenge anyone to find and post a link to a photograph of Hal Steinbrenner with his head thrown back, his mouth wide open, and enjoying a good laugh with someone. With some friends. With anyone.I don't think such a photo exists. And I curse the life I'm living And I curse my povertyIs this guy as miserable as he's making all of us?

1) You would be too, if a possible translation for your surname was "stone-burner"2) Unlike DQ, the Prince-scion wants to appear SERIOUS at all times (like Col. Klink)3)He's still playin' the penny-stock market, 'cause someone told him you can get RICH!! doing it4)Perhaps he realizes he's going to h-e-double-hockey-stick for desecrating the truest cathedral baseball ever had5)The Forbes list doesn't even put him in the top 100, world-wide - - BUMMER!!6)He knoweth not a happy ending (and never has, and never will)7)Dang it, people keep bringin up his Ol' Man, and COMPARING the two (Hamlet loses)8)tRUMP hasn't summoned him for a mettin' in the Tower.That'll have to do for now. LB

Dang! I took the LBJ challenge and combed through the pictures of Hal, and not a single toothsome smile to be found. How can a handsome rich guy -- with a beautiful wife and free passes to the ballpark -- be so consistently dour?

I'm not a psychologist and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but I will share my theory: He's emotionally crippled from growing up the son of one of the biggest, loudest buffoons in the history of the tabloids. George Steinbrenner, whose dirty tricks and illegal contributions to Nixon made headlines throughout Hal's youth, was Trump before Trump.

Hal Steinbrenner's serious mien shows his commitment to not being an ass-clown like his dad. Unfortunately, he also seems to have shed George's obsession with winning and is content making money rather than collecting championships. Lighten up, Hal. The deck is stacked in your favor.

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