'You should have had me aborted': Milly Dowler's heartbreaking message from beyond the grave as father breaks down in court over porn stash

Milly Dowler’s father became prime suspect in the murdered schoolgirl’s disappearance after police found ‘extreme’ porn and bondage gear at the family home, it was revealed yesterday.

Bob Dowler feared she may have run away or killed herself after discovering his secret – and lied to detectives about what he was doing that day.

The distraction ‘wasted valuable time’ in the search for the missing 13-year-old and hindered the police investigation, a court heard.

Regrets: Milly Dowler's father Bob leaves the Old Bailey yesterday after he gave evidence to the trial - where he revealed he was prime suspect after pornography was found

It meant the focus was on him instead of the man now accused of her murder – convicted serial killer Levi Bellfield.

Mr Dowler’s extraordinary admission
about his fetish, and the impact it must have had on Milly when she
discovered a magazine in his bedroom, came as the 59-year-old former IT
recruitment specialist was cross-examined at the Old Bailey.

Smiles: Milly with her father. She was understood to have been upset after finding an adult magazine and even wrote a tormented letter which made reference to 'the whole Dad thing'

There were further startling revelations. Jurors heard how Milly had left a tormented farewell letter in her bedroom after apparently deciding to take her own life.

She addressed it to her parents and signed herself ‘your little disappointment’, telling them it would have been better if they had aborted her or had her adopted.

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The schoolgirl also penned a bitter and self-loathing poem in which she claimed everyone hated her.

And she wrote a note to a friend in which she referred to ‘the whole
dad thing’ – a reference, it was suggested yesterday, to the
‘distressing’ discovery that her father was into bondage and
pornography.

Yesterday Mr Dowler broke down in tears as the poignant notes were read to the court.

Bellfield,
43, who denies kidnap and murder, watched silently from the dock as
Milly’s father was forced to admit that a search of the family’s Surrey
home uncovered porn magazines and videos in various rooms and a box of
bondage equipment in the attic. Among the items recovered were a rubber
hood, a ball-gag and magazines.

Mr Dowler later confirmed that his
wife of 17 years, Sally, a teacher at Milly’s school, had ‘absolutely
no idea’ about it – and how he was forced to confess to her after
warning police what they would find in the house.

The clearly
painful public admissions about his private life were made after he
relived the events of March 21, 2002, the day his daughter disappeared.

He had hugged and kissed her goodbye as she set off for school – and never saw her again.

In court: Mr Dowler broke down in tears in the witness box after sad notes written by Milly, in which she said she was unhappy, were read to him

Milly Dowler wrote a harrowing letter to her parents about taking her own life

Her skeletal remains were not found until six months later, 25 miles away at the spot where her killer dumped the body.

The court has previously heard she vanished ‘in the blink of an eye’ after walking home from school.

On trial: Levi Bellfield is charged with Milly Dowler's murder

Speaking
in a low, sometimes hesitant voice, Mr Dowler told how Milly had phoned
him that afternoon to say she was with a schoolgirl friend and would be
about half an hour late.

He was working from home that afternoon after coming back early and was making a series of phone calls with the door shut.

Although
he heard Milly’s older sister Gemma come in, it wasn’t until Mrs Dowler
came back that he realised Milly was not with her.

His wife, who
was leaving to babysit for her brother in the evening, came into the
room while he was on the phone. She put a note on the desk to say she
was going out, adding: ‘Where’s Milly?’

Mr Dowler left two
messages on Milly’s mobile phone – and admitted his first reaction was
‘absolute anger’ that she had not come home.

Using her proper name he shouted: ‘Where the f*** is Amanda?’ Then it turned to fear as he realised how late it was.

He
telephoned Milly’s friend while his wife rang a local hospital, then
called police. Later he went out in his car to look for her. But by
then, the jury has been told, she had already been abducted and was
almost certainly dead.

Cross-examined by Jeffrey Samuels QC, Mr
Dowler agreed he was the focus of police attention in the early days of
the investigation. But he omitted to tell police his exact movements
that day.

In fact, he later confirmed to the jury, he had become
aroused by flicking through porn magazines at a motorway service station
before going home.

Retracing steps: Last week Levi Bellfield was taken to Walton-on-Thames station for the court visit to the site where Milly disappeared nine years ago

Site visit: Levi Bellfield arriving in Collingwood Place for the viewing. He denies killing Milly, who vanished in March 2002

The subsequent discovery of his bondage
equipment led police to suspect him. Mr Samuels said: ‘They were
suggesting you may have had something to do with your own daughter’s
disappearance, weren’t they?’

Later Mrs Dowler
told the jury Milly had pointed out the porn to her. ‘She was taken
aback by it. I said to her, “It doesn’t mean Daddy doesn’t love me”.’

But
Mr Dowler said he didn’t think his daughter had found his bondage gear,
earlier telling police: ‘If she had come across those materials I have
no doubt that she would have been very distressed.’

It was irresponsible of him, he said, and ‘a complete betrayal of her as a father’.