John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

A great testament is to have emotions, not hide them. (Published 1/21/2014)

Q:

My father almost a year ago. It was an unexpected death, he was only 55 yrs old. He had a rare lung disease and was often in the hospital with pneumonia. He died because they didn't know he had a blood clot, and when they sat him up for a breathing treatment, the clot broke off and went straight to his heart. I was in nursing school at the time, I was in my 1st semester. He died on a Monday. I somehow managed to get the money together to have him cremated, arrange a memorial service, AND be back in school on Thursday to take my finals on Friday. I have no clue how I did it but during this time, I knew that I needed to stay focused, as I know that my Dad would have wanted me to keep going so that I could keep my grades up. He was so proud of me for going back to school. My question is this: “Next month it will be one year since he died. I am having issues with this because I still struggle with the fact that he is gone. IN two months, I will walk across the stage to get my nursing diploma. I think this is going to be SO hard because my Dad wanted to be there to watch me graduate, but he didn't make it. How do I get through this in a positive way?”

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Shannon,

Thanks for your note and question and concerns.

Let’s start with your question: How do I get through this in a positive way?

When people try to be positive, if is often like when they try to “strong.” At which point we give them a choice, you can be strong or you can be human, pick one!

We’re not sure that there is a “positive” way, but we know there is a “human” way.

That said, there is enough time between now and your graduation, for you to take the actions of grief recovery that will help you deal with your broken heart. Rather than avoiding it, or putting it aside to get through your studies, now is the time to move towards the actions that will help you.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Start reading it and taking the actions it outlines. It will help you tremendously, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have sad emotions when you walk across that stage to get your diploma.

In fact, we think that one of the greatest testaments to your dad and your relationship to him, is to have emotion on that day. Don’t hide it.