*If you are reading on my homepage, you can mute the song I’m singing with a friend by hitting mute on your open tab!*

I don’t know when I wrote last, I think it’s been about a year since I joined a link up. I don’t even want to check. I am finally sitting here staring at an open document and my fingers are moving, so that’s a plus, right?

Today’s Prompt is “PRIVILEGE”

It has been a privilege to have got to lead groups for Hello Mornings over the years, to get to hang out on Thursday night Twitter parties waiting for the prompt to drop and create fellowship and relationships over topics like brownies in a mug (which are amazing), Gilmore Girls, love, loss, prayer and the crazy good and crazy bad that makes us raise our hands as we fall to our knees and give thanks for the God-given privilege of one another, being honoured to pray for one another when we otherwise may never know that someone needs that extra boost.

This year has been a HARD year for me. A stressful year. A painful year. Yet, I had the privilege of being able to ask for prayer when I needed it. I felt beyond loved, beyond blessed when I announced I had miscarried in the spring and my DM’s blew up with similar stories and words of encouragement from the women that I have grown spiritually with over the years as part of this Five Minute Friday community.

I have watched and prayed as friends moved homes, switched jobs, had babies, lost babies, grieved their own losses and grieved alongside others.

I may have taken a long break, simply because the words don’t want to flow, but I have had the privilege of being a part of this family anyway.

A compilation of 150 blog posts from the Five Minute Friday Community. The stories found in these pages span a diverse range of experiences, but share a common thread: A Love For the Bravely Written Word.

I haven’t written in awhile. I lost my voice about a year ago. Or, at least it feels that long. I know I have written in that time, but definitely not the way I once did. The words are in my head, but my voice has simply up and left.

I lost my faith, it didn’t just waiver. It left with my voice. A sense of shame began to fill the gaps where God and the Word had once been nestled in. The freefall into a darkness overcame me, it’s still the cloak that covers me, brings me comfort in a place where there is no comfort to be had.

Sickness had me down and out a lot at the end of 2016 and I know it was my bodies way of protesting and saying I had fallen. I just didn’t want to believe it.

I grew pregnant in very late winter/early spring and miscarried, alone, several months later. I was too ashamed to tell anyone. Not my mom, not even the babies father. I wanted to hold onto that baby and keep it as mine. Only mine. A gift that God had given to just me. A gift that only I would love for the rest of my days.

I didn’t even tell my doctor until the fall. Perhaps because I was so adamant that I would keep this baby to myself forever, perhaps because I didn’t want the sympathy or the always unwanted and cold “you can always try again” type of comments.

Maybe I can try again, but I won’t. And, even if by some miracle that I do end up with someone else, and we do have a child, that child will never replace any of the babies I have lost. It will never erase the weeks I knew they were growing inside of me. The hopes and dreams I had for that specific child are forever gone. That baby will never be born, it will never inhale its first breath, or look into my eyes. It will never hear my voice outside of what they may have heard from inside of my womb, the muffled underwater sounds that budding ears were barely beginning to hear.

It felt like in those moments, months, of loneliness and being abandoned, that God up and abandoned me too. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I am. I no longer feel like a child of God. I feel a hollow space where feelings should be, where love should overflow, but I don’t feel God.

Fall is always a fun time as most tv shows are starting to come back and the horror movies take over before Halloween!

I’ve had a ton of fun watching a plethora of things this fall, because I have mostly been in pain and therefore laying around.

I actually had to create a list of shows I was watching and on which days so that I could keep track of everything. Maybe that’s just how my brain works though! I am sure most people can remember what day How to get Away with Murder is on!

I was watching Room 104, but lost interest. The first episode was IMO the best. I haven’t seen the second half of this season and I don’t know if I will bother. If you don’t mind a ton of different genres in a 25 minute anthology for a few weeks, check it out! Some people love it and it’s already been picked up for a second season!

Currently I am absolutely loving:
Ten Days in the Valley

Ten Days in the Valley features Kyra Sedgwick and in it her work comes first, until her daughter is taken from her bed and the mystery of who has her and why, begins. Only 2 episodes so far this season but you can catch it Sundays on ABC! I think if you loved shows like Pretty Little Liars, you will thoroughly enjoy this more adult mystery!

American Horror Story- Cult

AHS is a show that I binged last year and honestly didn’t really enjoy. I began to watch it this year because the previews said it was more reality based than previous years and oh my god, I am in love with this season! It has amazing actors, a ton of mystery and a leaves a lot of questions. It is full of gore and most definitely tries to encapsulate human fears and emotions to an extreme. Join me and millions of others as we work to understand The Cult!

Mr. Mercedes

Mr. Mercedes is an amazing show based on the book of the same name by Stephen King. It is another mystery/thriller starring a retired detective who is tormented by an old case. A killer who used a stolen Mercedes to commit murder. With plenty of twists and turns and the perspective of the killer as well, this show is amazing. You can relate to the detective, you can relate to the bad guy. You can relate to the people in between. An amazing cast. The finale is tomorrow (Wednesday October 11th 2017) on Audience!

How to Get Away with Murder

One of Shonda Rhimes Thank God its Thursday shows on ABC! Season 4 so far has been a bit slow, but we are only two episodes in. There are already a ton of theories, questions, reviews and of course speculation going around! You can watch the first three seasons on Netflix and catch the new episodes on Thursdays on ABC!

Grey’s Anatomy

Grey’s is going into it’s 14th season. We are seeing some amazing things like Owens long lost sister who was kidnapped in war come back, we see Amelia having some health issues that could explain her drama, and of course we are going to see some awesome surgeries! With a two-hour season premiere and of course a love triangle, what else could you want?

Will and Grace

Will and Grace are BACK!!! About time we have some good humor! Jump in wherever you are, you won’t regret it. The show picks up in the current year, but with the same old humor, characters, bad singing and hilarious dance moves! Perfect to lighten up your Thursday nights!

Scandal

Scandal is in it’s 7th and final season. It started last week and is sure to be filled with twists and turns as Olivia becomes Command and Mellie is the President of the USA. Rimes said she always knew how this show would end, I can’t wait to see what she imagined all those years ago! #TGIT tv on ABC!

The Exorcist

Season 2 is titled Evil Has a New Home, and while it has a new cast the two exorcists and a couple of other priests and cardinals have carried over. If you missed the first season, you should definitely watch it, though not necessary to season 2, it did give a bit of an update as to what happened to Regan from the original Exorcist movie!

What are you watching? What do you think about the shows I am watching and let me know if you have any recommendations for TV or movies!!

The Sinner

On a sunny summer afternoon by the lake, Cora Bender stabs a man to death. Why? What would cause this quiet, kind young mother to stab a complete stranger in the throat over and over again, in full view of her family and friends? For the local police, it’s an open-and-shut case. Cora quickly confesses and there’s no shortage of witnesses, but those questions remain unanswered. Haunted by the case, the police commissioner refuses to close the file and begins his own maverick investigation. So begins the slow unraveling of Cora’s past, a harrowing descent into a woman’s private hell. A dark, spellbinding novel, where the truth is to be questioned at every turn.

About the Author

Hailed as Germany’s Patricia Highsmith, Petra Hammesfahr has written more than twenty crime and suspense novels, and also writes scripts for film and television. She has won numerous literary prizes, including the Crime Prize of Wiesbaden and the Rhineland Literary Prize. Her breakthrough novel, The Sinner, was a major critical and commercial success internationally, including in Germany, where it stayed on the bestseller list for more than fifteen months. The Sinner has been adapted for television as a limited series on USA starring Jessica Biel and Bill Pullman.

My Review

I decided to purchase this book after being completely enamored with the limited series on USA. It was an amazing show, if you haven’t watched it, go binge those 8 episodes -you won’t regret it!!

As for the book, it is equally amazing. It does follow the show fairly closely but we do see a lot more of the abuse that Cora has gone through as she grew up and the way she came to be. I feel like the show was more about someone else inquiring into Cora’s actions that day on the beach, but the book explains to us how Cora was raised and really answers everything amazingly well. The show did too and I honestly can’t compare them as far as quality goes.

Normally, a show is either better or worse than the book, and while I would love to say that the show was better simply because the English wasn’t the greatest for the book as it was translated from German, the story itself is equally as compelling and forces you to keep turning the page. If you love one you will love the other.

I am looking forward to reading other books by Hammesfahr that are translated to English.

The basis for the “instantly gripping” (Washington Post) limited series on USA starring Jessica Biel, The Sinner is an internationally bestselling psychological thriller surrounding an unexplained murder

On a sunny summer afternoon by the lake, Cora Bender stabs a complete stranger to death. Why? What would cause this quiet, kind young mother to commit such a startling act of violence in front of her family and friends?

Cora quickly confesses and it seems like an open-and-shut case. But the police commissioner, haunted by these unaswered questions, refuses to close the file and begins his own maverick investigation. So begins the slow unraveling of Cora’s past, a harrowing descent into the depths of her own psyche and the violent secrets buried within.

A dark, spellbinding novel where the truth is to be questioned at every turn, The Sinner is now a smash summer hit, with the TV series hailed as one of the best new shows of summer.“As I read [the novel], I kept going, ‘I know where this is going—there’s no way this could be interesting.’ And then it would just take a com­pletely different direction.” —Jessica Biel

“The Sinner is unnerving and weird and guaranteed to stick with you weeks later.” —Sarah Weinman, editor of Troubled Daughters, Twisted Wives and Women Crime Writers

My heart rate rises and the vile comes up my throat and into my mouth. I choke it back as the images of her beaten lifeless body fill my screen, I can hear the words in my head, the screams that came from her as she fought for her life as he literally snuffs her light out, letting the smoke rise and the flame flicker in a cat and mouse game before holding the snuffer down and extinguishing her flame forever.

Her family in the next room claiming they didn’t hear a thing, they didn’t know he was abusive despite the broken door and the screamed name calling.

It hasn’t happened yet. But it will. It’s happened thousands of times before. A jealous rage caused by nothingness sending the grim reaper in and stealing a life away far too soon, for no reason.

Oh, I suppose there is always a reason. She hurt his ego, he thought she was cheating. She didn’t get breakfast ready on time. So many ‘good’ reasons to abuse, to kill. Hell, I was thrown down the stairs into the basement while nearly 8 months pregnant because I commented that his socks looked dirty. And to think, I was “lucky”.

So, when I hear this “fantastic” news it makes me sick. This is her future now and its out of my hands. No one can save her, maybe not even herself. Maybe I should stand by and be her friend despite her choice to stay, even though nearly every day for 18 months I have heard of the abuse and she has never made a change. Should I continue to allow my heart to break every single day at her expense when this is what she chooses?

I mean, she has told me “if I die, you know more than anyone else, don’t let him get away with it”.

And yet, she stays.

You can call it lazy or sexist or whatever you want. The fact is, its all the above, but most importantly, it’s abuse. She deserves to be loved. She deserves to be treated like a Princess and revered like a Queen. She deserves to be loved, honoured and cherished, and not in words between abuse, but in action every single day.

A queen.

A princess.

Not a piece of meat, or like my captor used to say, Chattel to be kept or sold as he sees fit -a slave.

I want better for her. For all men and women who are being abused. I want their eyes to open and the doors to freedom to open. It’s 2017. That shouldn’t be too much to ask, but still, it is.

I sit and want to curse the cursor that is blinking at me, taunting me to express the thoughts that are on my mind. The flick-flick a mockery of my current state. Confused, angry, exhausted, physical pain that nears a 10 and medications that don’t want to help me, nothing has ever helped me, nothing ever will.

The swelling that woke me 6 times in the night still leaving remnants of stiffness in my hands -the fingers that could once fly across the keyboard tapping away about 100 words a minute seem sluggish and nearly useless. I know it’s not even bad, yet. I also know it will be worse. My body deteriorating as I age is inevitable.

If you know me, you know I push people away. I don’t trust myself to trust others, not with my heart. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I give it wholly, but then I panic and my fight or flight kicks in because in my life everything good has come to an abrupt end. I try to be ahead of the game, ahead of the soon to come let downs of pain of abandonment and loneliness that only love can inflict, and I become the one to run first. Heavily guarded like an armoured tank. The weapons on my tongue, the vault around my heart.

Yeah, so I am not here to preach or talk about tv or current affairs. I am not here to tell myself it will all be okay. I am not here to tell you it will be either. I am simply here to brain dump. To get the feelings out of my head so that they become real – at least to the page.

I want to be a person of the page again. Someone who writes it all out regularly. Who counts their thousand gifts and surpasses them each year, because, let’s face it there are more than a thousand things in a year that we should be grateful for. I don’t know why I stopped.

I’ve stopped a lot of things.

I’ve stopped looking forward to later. All I see is the blood red splatter that signifies straight up pain.

It’s like I had a taste of life and suddenly lost my appetite. No rhyme or reason. Though, I suppose there are plenty of reasons, many of which I haven’t processed yet.

A grief that has become all-encompassing that eats at me moment by moment.

The pain and discomfort my body and mind experienced in those days of loss that I tucked under the figurative rug to try and keep others from being hurt, maybe even not wanting to share my one little treasure with the world. All mine. Pure selfishness. But, I loved… and it hurt.

It all hurts, every single day.

I won’t ever get over loss. I won’t ever move on or get over it like many suggest. Maybe because I don’t want to, maybe because letting go of the past scares me because I don’t ever want to not bring those preciously painful memories with me. They are all I have.

Life is going to bring you down, and yet that pain is all I know, it’s all I have.

I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to be a part of anything -big or small. The pain inside seems to stem from nowhere and everywhere all at once and I don’t know how to bear it, or if I want to. The nectar flowing through my veins warms me, puts a crooked smile on my face and belly laughs that hide the fact the tears are real.

Anxiety causes my heart to race and wakes me from the peace of not feeling at all. I wish I could make it stop, but nothing can, and I won’t hold my breath that death will cause it to end either. Crazy thing about eternal life is the eternal damnation.

I am damned.

You can’t punish me more than I punish myself. You can’t make the hurt more painful than it already is. Nothing can.

So, I laugh and I play and I beg God to take me back… but he won’t, because fallen angels never go back. We may earn our wings, but only to carry our own sins. Floating through eternity in air dense as mud.

I would question my sanity, if I had any left.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I watched the sunset and stayed to watch it rise, and then I said goodbye to the light- knowing it was my last.

The darkness of the country sky is broken by the blinking coloured light of a plane flying slowly by. Hundreds of miles high, moving faster than the inches from 4 feet below ground can see.

The cat cutting through the earphones as she kills a mouse, or a string or an elastic band. The music playing my own voice -Foolish Games, Hallelujah… Unsteady…

Born and raised in Kenora, Ontario Canada, Marisa was a teen mom who has overcome incredible circumstances in order to provide the best life she can for her small family. Avid reader, blogger and a God-loving Christian, are just a few of the titles Marisa holds. Reading the Word and learning about God and His plans for her life are her current mission.