"That thing is a clavicle, not a clavichord," says The Retainer. "Might I suggest two things to do with it? You could ask Baby about it. Or you could put it in the Speculator for speculations about it."

>Who is Baby?

The parser drums its fingers.

>Where is Baby?

>The parser chews its fingernails.

>Do not show me Baby.

The cat in the middle of the room sweeps off its hat and bows to you. "I am not Baby," he says. "And I do not agree with The Retainer. You should not put the intercostal clavicle in The Speculator."

Now more confused than ever, you gather up your inventory, including The Retainer and the intercostal clavicle, and back towards the dumb waiter.

>Close door.

The door opens. You crawl back inside.

>Do not use dumb waiter.

The dumb waiter descends rapidly. It pauses momentarily at the level where your friends are, and then drops straight down into the cellar.

>Close door.

The door opens and you crawl out into the cellar. You sigh with relief to see that nothng seems backswards here.

The space is immaculately clean. In the center of the room is what appears to be a dentist's chair, with drill bits on a tray by the chair and the drill, along with a bright light, suspended above the chair. Next to the chair is a table with lab equipment, including tubes and jars. The lab equipment is a jumbled mess, unlike the rest of the room.

>Talk to The Retainer.

"What is this?" you ask The Retainer.

"This castle used to belong to a dentist," says The Retainer, "Hence the gate shaped like teeth, the bridge like a tongue, etc. Mordack captured King Graham's family while they were here for their semi-annual appointments, shrank them and stored them in that bell jar over on the table. Then Mordack, err, transformed the dentist and took over the castle for his own nefarious purposes."

"Where's the dentist now?" you ask.

The Retainer suddenly warms in your hand. You almost could swear that, for a moment, it blushed. "Perhaps when we're a little better acquainted, I'll tell you that," it says. "Now instruct the dumb waiter to take you back to the stage where your friends are, and let's see if the Speculator can help."

>Close dumb waiter door.

Raspberry sound. What now?

>Close smart waiter door.

The door opens.

>Do not return to stage level.

The dumb waiter rises smartly up to the middle level and spills you out on the stage. There are your friends, plus the child-like witch's spawn, who are now romping on the stage, doing a Conga-like dance routine and singing "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes!"

Macbeth pelts towards you, obviously out of both breath and shape. He appears to be wearing a fur coat, despite the heat, and is holding a large leg of mutton.

Your observations are hurried because behind Macbeth runs a very large, very angry bear.

>I'm confused. Which one's the "something wicked?" Is it Macbeth, or the bear?

Both? Neither? You'd better do something soon, before you get run over.

>Sidestep Macbeth

You step aside and watch in grim fascination as Macbeth and the bear charge past. Moments later, they vanish in a sudden flash of light.

>What was that all about?

I'm not sure.

>YOU can't be sure? How is that even possible?

Program parameters do not allow for violations of the law of conservation of energy.

"What the parser means to say," explains Cassie, "is that what just happened shouldn't be possible."

>I'm still not getting it.

Mia looks worried.

"It's...hard to explain."

For once, Dirk steps forward with an idea of his own. "Can you give me a moment to contact the Bentbutflies? I've seen this sort of thing before. Maybe I can get Commander Sock to run a few scans." Seeing your nod of assent, he starts keying some sort of code into his personal communications device.

"This planet's technology is largely inferior. Scans indicate only two power sources on the planet's surface capable of such a feat. Both are located somewhere in the Emerald City, measure just under a foot long, and are composed of a thin layer of silver paint and large quantities of balsa wood. Central to each of the devices is a large core of lead."

You massage your temples in an attempt to get your brain running fast enough to keep up. "You're saying the portals were created using the silver slippers? But why? What would be the point of launching a bear at me?" You pause for a moment as you realize that there's only one sensible answer to your question. "All right then," you continue, "different question. Why would the Whizzer want me killed?"

Cassie shakes her head. "We don't know for certain it's the Whizzer. We don't know what's happening back at the Emerald City right now. And we don't know whether this was deliberate. Interdimensional transport isn't easy to control, and it can have unintended side effects. For all we know the perpetrator was trying to toss Macbeth off a cliff."

Mal, who has been silent through all of this, finally speaks up. "Or they may be practicing. This time may not have been intentional...but the next one might be." Your party observes a few moments of silence as the various implications of what has occurred finally start to sink in. After a while your thoughts turn to more immediate matters.

"Well," you say, "there's not much use worrying about that until we've gotten out of here. I guess we'd better go find the Speculator." Disturbed but finally moving, you lead the rest of your party back towards the exit, in the direction of the Speculator.

Behind you you hear Dirk drag Mia aside for a quiet discussion. "In the future," he scolds her, "I believe he'd prefer it if you refer to him as Officer Sock"

"Oh, I knew that," says Mia. "He just sounds so stuffy..." The rest of their conversation is drowned out by a loud, repetitive beeping coming from your inventory.

>Examine beeping

You dig out the beeping item, which turns out to be the Games Console. Its screen winks out momentarily before returning, displaying a strange error message.

>Read Message

The message reads: "WARNING: Firewall has detected hostile incoming transmissions. To protect the system, the firewall has blocked internet access until further notice."

"Great," says the Retainer, "NOW what am I supposed to do for entertainment around here?"

>Insert the intercostal clavicle into the hole. The clipped tones of the female voice emanate from the intercom again."Congratulations. you have found the intercostal clavicle of a brontosaurus.." Just as the parser is about to say 'na na, I told you so' the voice continues "but there really is no such thing".

At that your monitor screen goes blank. The parser, in a sulk, has decided not to play anymore.You drum your fingers on your desk. Time passes.........

Your monitor screen lights up again. The parser has had time to philosophize on games, time, the universe & the point of it's very existance. It knows in a few years job opportunities will gradually become scarcer as competition comes from new, younger & more efficient breeds. Mice followed by Gamepads, Joy Sticks & Steering Wheels.Besides, it just can't keep it's mouth shut.

>Press enter. The game continues. The voice carries on "legend has it that it was discovered by the eminent archaeologist named Carolina Jones (he never forgave his father Sean for that). He was on vacation in a sleepy little town called Clacton on the east shores of Great Britain at the time.

Subsequent tests on it identified it as a hybrid of a dinosaur's rib & collar bone. The DNA undisputedly matched that of a brontosaurus.

Carolina donated it to The British Museum, but it was later stolen by a debonair French thief, it's whereabouts unknown up until now.

It's thought that the bone can generate holographic images so use with caution. You don't want to be talking to someone who's not there somewhere you're not, do you."

>Take intercostal clavicle from hole.

"Thank you for using The Speculator & have a nice day" the voice says before the intercom goes dead.

>Go West

>Exit castle. Your troupe of friends are now standing outside. Graham comes running towards you "Have you found any clues?"

You translate what Baby told you earlier about his family.There's no need to mention the incident with Macbeth & the bear, the theory about the silver slippers or the prognosis on the intercostal clavicle just yet.

"We must go to this tavern at once" Graham cries. "But how?" you ask. Graham clicks his fingers & Ant appears from the distance flying towards you on his carpet. On reaching you he stops & hovers just above. You can just make out a label stuck to the underside. >Examine label.'2 reclining or 1 reclining, 1 seated, 1 standing or 5 seated or 4 seated, 2 standing or etcetera, etcetera, etcetera or10 standingWARNING: DO NOT EXCEED LIMIT!'

"You're surely not expecting us to go on that" you say to Graham "it looks very dodgy to me, how will we keep from falling off & there's not enough room for us all anyway" "Aah" says Graham "according to 'Which' magazine it is one of the safest forms of transport there is with a 0% accident rate. You can't fall off in flight because as soon as it takes to the air it generates a centripetal force.."

"A centriwhat?" you interrupt "oh never mind, how is it steered?""Ant steers it with his mind" Graham replies & seeing the astonishment on your face continues "apart from a little he uses for battle tactics he has a lot of capacity to devote to the task".

A little reassured by Graham you decide to trust the carpet but wonder how it can carry all 11 of you. Ant lowers the carpet & stands up, his two pets are perched one on each of his shoulders. Dirk on realising the literal meaning of the label suddenly picks up Michael, slings him over his shoulder in a fireman's lift & steps onto the carpet. Everyone else now follows. To accommodate Nero Beambar's large feet, Pepe has to stand on one of them & Cassie stands on the other.

The carpet rises & you start to feel a force causing you all to lean towards the centre of the carpet & each other. You sigh with relief as there seems no way you can fall off. The carpet now fully airborne turns & speeds over slugs & snails & puppydog tails (i.e. hills & dales) until it reaches the tavern. Ant gently lowers the carpet, you all step off & Dirk gently sets Michael down onto his feet.

REM Thanks for the entertaining link Demosthenes! I was hoping no-one would pick up on Newton's Law otherwise I would have mentioned the blooming daisy woven into the centre of the carpet . I should have known better! END REM

You once again enter the Duck's Head, and are astonished to see Perry, his head wobbling drunkenly, as he sits at the bar and nurses a beer. Curious. Maybe he was so far in the rear that he somehow got out ahead of you?

Rosie is behind the bar, keeping an eye on Perry as you all file inside. She looks up as King Graham enters.

"FATHER!" she shrieks.

King Graham vaults over the bar (he's obviously still in shape, even at his age) and embraces his daughter. "Where's your mother and Alexander?" Graham demands. There's a slight cough from behind you. You turn to see Rhett, beaming smugly.

"I owe you a debt of thanks," says King Graham, leaping back over the bar to face Rhett. “How did you manage to rescue my family?”

“Just doing my duty, sir,” says Rhett modestly. “I accompanied your family when they went to their appointment, and was chatting upstairs with Baby, when I felt a wave of magical power rising out of the cellar.

"I rode the dumb waiter down to the cellar, surprised Mordack as he was placing your family in the bell jar, and distracted him long enough to pack him into the dumb waiter," Rhett continues. "Once upstairs, Baby was able to trick him into wearing an object in the Backwards Shop that looked like a crown but was actually, err, the opposite. Mordack, finally recognizing the implications of the object that he was wearing, left the castle to hide the source of his shame. He did subsequently return to the castle and take up residence there, though he kept himself hidden behind the scenes.”

Rhett gestures in your direction. “You will be very familiar with the object Mordack was forced to wear.”

“But this 'crown' I'm wearing belonged to a lion who was King of the Forest before me,” you stutter. “How did he get it from Mordack?”

“Perhaps the lion was Mordack in disguise? He’s an expert at transformation,” says Rhett. “It might be worth tracking him down to find out.”

“No, no, not necessary,” you say guiltily.

“I would like to reward Rhett handsomely,” says King Graham, slapping Rhett enthusiastically on the back. “But I have nothing at the moment to give him.”

“I seem to have plenty of objects that might qualify as a reward,” you say modestly.

>INV

Empty oilcanLatin-English dictionaryEmpty clay jugHandheld AG consol with (now blocked) internet access & camera Crowbar with corrupt emerald attached (has powers that can be wielded by Mia but needs to be used with a 2nd compatible emerald to be used properly)Axtec-like statue of young woman with one emerald eye missingHandbag full of rancid butter.Magnifying glassTape measureSilver compact with mirror, powder & padTripodRed worn down lipstickOrange feather boaOrange satin glovesHero's knifeGraham's ivory horn (blow through this to call him when he's not around)Rain cheque & rattle (wetten the cheque & rattle the rattle to make sound of clinking gold to call dwarves for ride to Glinda's)Wire Retainer with serious powersKiteWigThree lima beansDusty bottle containing a small amount of olive oilIntercostal clavicle of a brontosaurus.

>Offer inventory item to Rhett.

“Take whatever you would like!” you tell Rhett. “In fact, take two items. I seem to have a lot of them.”

Rhett ponders the collection. “Tsk, tsk,” he says. “There are riches here, the depths of which you have yet to fully comprehend. I will take what you recommend.”

PARSER INTERRUPTION: TRY NOT TO MAKE A MISTAKE HERE. I DON’T WANT TO RISK LOOKING AT THE WALKTHROUGH AGAIN.

>Recommend Latin-English dictionary.

“Very well,” says Rhett. He takes the dictionary and tears out two pages. From his coat pocket he removes a red pen and circles a word on each page. “But I’ll leave these two pages with you,” he says.

>Recommend ivory horn. "If the King doesn't mind me passing this on to you" you say "I think it would be a most fitting reward now that he no longer needs our help". Rhett looks at the King expectantly who smiles & nods in approval.

>Give ivory horn to Rhett.

Just at that point you hear the sound of a horse & cart draw up outside the tavern. A few minutes later a tall, attractive & very elegant lady of mature years enters the room followed by the most handsome young man you've ever set eyes on. He is carrying a couple of large grocery bags.

Valenice & Alexander stop awestruck for a few seconds while they take in the scene in the room. "Oh, Graham" Valenice suddenly cries as she rushes towards him "it's been so long". The couple embrace & kiss & ..(hey! cool it!) Alexander by then has dropped the groceries, Graham turns to look at him, lets go of his wife & goes to shake his hand but decides to hug him instead "it's so good to see you son" he says patting him on his back. "You too father, you too" Alexander replies.

Graham turns towards you & says "I can't thank you enough for everything you've done, you've found my family & rewarded Rhett handsomely on my behalf from your own pocket. I would like to do something for you. After my family, there is only one other 'person' precious to me, he could help you in many ways so I would like to offer you his companionship on your future quests" Just then there is a tapping at the door.

Rosie now turns to you & says "I have something for you too, please follow me" She bends to pick up the grocery bags & walks towards a door behind the back of the bar, gesturing to Perry, who falls of his stool, & starts wobblingly waddling behind her. They both go through the door. >Walk to bar door. Cedric tactfully alights from your shoulder.>Open bar door.

You find yourself in a large cluttered kitchen. In the centre is a huge wooden table & there are several matching chairs scattered about. Rosie busies herself unpacking the groceries.Meanwhile your attention is drawn to Perry who is huffing & puffing.

>Look at Perry. All of a sudden Perry starts to grow & then slowly transform into a short, rotund, white haired lady. She has a kind, jolly face if somewhat red. She staggers a bit then plops down heavily into a chair & says "I yam, I ham 'Hic' 'a fairwee oddmutha gooz 'Hic'"

Rosie hands Perry a strong black coffee & a sugar sandwich, which she/he quickly consumes. A few moments later Perry says "Ah, that's better, but I don't have much time before I'm at risk of being located by wicked wizards & witches. They can't do it while I'm a goose with copious amounts of beer in my bloodstream" & then adds indignantly "well,that's my excuse & I'm sticking to it!"

On seeing your puzzled face Perry then says "Ah, you're wondering about me being a she when I'm a he as a goose. It just attracts far less attention, that's all.

Now, quickly as I only have a few minutes left, I have been keeping a blurry eye on you & know you & your friends are seeking the Bistro á L'Aztec & a few other things.

The Whizzer would have granted you your wishes but would not have returned the silver slippers to you & it seems now he has worked out how to wield some of their power. He is not interested in harming you, only the children as he realised on sending them to help you subdue Nero Beambar they would find out about the slippers.

You must beware of those children, they mean you no harm either but will not hesitate to hurt you if you get in the way of their plans. They have lied to you & are using you for their own nefarious purposes, but your greatest danger is in inadvertantly getting caught in the crossfire between opposing forces. I must...."

"Oh wait" you say quickly "Is King Graham a spirit?" "No" Perry replies. "Mia reacted to the timesplit point not Graham. He exists in our virtual present. I now must bid you farewell & safe journey & ask you not to mention anything about me to ANYONE!"

Just at that moment you hear the door creak open & see Mal pop his head round. Panicking you turn to look at the Fairy Godmother only to see Rosie handing a large glass of beer to a large goose squatting on the chair. As he takes the glass he gives you a surrepstitious wink.

"Will we be on our way to Glinda's now?" Mal inquires "Yes Mal" you say as you & Rosie exit the kitchen to join everyone else. As you say your goodbyes you notice Dirk glance lovingly at Rosie who's attention has now been caught by the strong, muscular & handsome Prince of Shapier. To her dismay he seems to be more enraptured by her brother Alexander.

Why oh why are happy family reunions so hard to write? We need a choir singing and a credits sequence where all the animators who used to work for Disney and are now making games can watch their names roll down the screen.

REM Thank you Becky! I agree it's a hard thing to write & glad it didn't come across too badly without the trappings of a grand finale! I thought maybe I could have made a little bit more of it but, as we all know by now, you just write down what you think is a few short scenarios only to submit & be confronted with your enormously long post!

I really enjoy contributing to this thread & just want to say how much I love & am inspired by everyone else's ideas.

Yikes! All right then, as long as you do it yourself.The rain cheque is now wet and smells like Pepé.

>shake the rattle

Nothing happens.

>rattle the rattle

You hear something approaching in the distance. It doesn't sound like motor bikes, more like people breathing heavily. Minutes later the Full Metal Throttle group appears, pushing their bikes.

"what's the matter guys?"

"It's those darned fuel prices, they have gone up so fast we can't afford it any more! We would gladly bring you to Glinda but first we need gas for our bikes."

Pepé steps forward and says he might be able to help when he gets the appropriate food.

That could be an idea but you fear for the health of you and your companions!

>use knife with boa

The boa is now cut into small feathers.

>use feathers with butter

After greasing the feathers you mold them into nose plugs and hand them out to the friends. Everyone is protected now.

>give beans to Pepé

Pepé eats the beans and after a while you hear some concerning noises coming from his bowels. Pepé runs to the bikes and fills the tanks with gas. Even his face is starting to turn green!

>all aboard!

Everybody gets onto the bikes and the gang drives through the woods towards Glinda's house. The Peepers drop dead from the trees. It's good you fabricated the nose plugs!

Finally the house of Glinda is reached, the band says farewell and leaves. With much caution you remove one nose plug, there's still a smell but it's not dangerous any more. The house is surrounded by a fence with a gate in it. The gate is ajar and after opening it you all walk into the garden. It looks like a big playground for children. Michael and the witch kids start hunting for candies that appear out of nowhere.The house looks like it comes from a fairy tale, seemingly it's built from all kinds of sweets. After knocking on the door a crackling voice says:

The Prince of Shapier draws your attention to the fact that the house seems to be raised on chicken legs. He whispers an explanation that Glinda may be another incarnation of Babi Yaga. You urgently call everyone to your side, well away from the hut, once they are all clear....

>hut of brown now sit down

The house settles comfortably on the ground, not unlike a chicken settling on her eggs (thank all the powers that you had the foresight to call everyone away - hey, maybe you are begining to get the hang of this "hero" stuff)

The Prince (call me Ant) says "Let me go in first. If she is who I think she is, I've had dealings with her more than once before". All three kids pipe up at once, each trying to shout down the others to explain why each one has very good credentials for dealing with Glinda/Babi Yaga/(or anyone else she either is or isn't).

"Hang on" you say "Graham gave me Cedric to advise us, let's ask him" You speak to Cedric who says "Twit Twoo" (Humph, you now see why Graham was so prepared to give away his supposedly wise owl).

>At that, you now look at Ant with a puzzled expression & ask "what are you doing here?". We left you with Graham & his family back at The Ducks Head."

"Oh" he replies "you don't mind do you?, it's just that Graham fired me soon after you left, so I followed you on my carpet thinking that I might be of some help to you"

"Glad to have you aboard Ant" you say "but please leave the thinking to me". Just at that moment you become aware of The Retainer vibrating in your pocket. You subtly reach in to feel a note, take it & withdraw your hand from your pocket. >Look at note. You read the note covertly before it dissolves.

Following it's instructions you say "Mia, Mal & Cassie, would you do the honors". While they are distracted as they turn to approach Glinda's door you quickly place the Axtec-like statue, Retainer & the 2 pages from the Latin-English dictionary into the now empty but very greasy handbag. On asking Cedric to take it & hide it somewhere safe, he promptly takes the handle in his beak & carries it up into the midst of a very leafy tree.

Meanwhile Glinda has opened the door to see the three children standing there.

Glinda peers at you over the bridge of her nose, as if deciding whether you would be better swatted or shooed.

"Really, Occasus," she tuts, "is this the sort of company you keep nowadays?"

You puff yourself to your full height--still at least a foot shorter than Glinda--and try to assert yourself.

"I'll have you know that was a very mean trick you pulled on me," you scold, "and I wish to have my card back now."

Glinda laughs.

"Any ownership you might have claimed was lost the moment you threw the thing down a well, adventurer. Moreover, you should be more careful what you lay claim to in my domain. That card was registered to one Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmanuel Ambroise Diggs." She looks at you speculatively, "Are you, in fact, he? Or she?"

"I....er. I'm not sure?" It occurs to you, rather belatedly, that you have no idea what your name is. It's a thought you find slightly disturbing.

"Oh, how wonderful!" Glinda bestows on you a cloying smile that only a child could love. "An amnesiac! I should have guessed!" She frowns slightly. "I'll be keeping this card, however. I know Oscar, and he'll be happy to have this back... if anyone ever finds him again."

"That...sounds fair..." You trail off nervously.

Glinda grins persuasively.

"Trust me traveler, I was doing you a kindness. You have no idea the sort of annual...fees they charge for a magical golden credit card." Brushing you aside, she glances at the rest of your companions, loosely clustered near the gate. "You brought friends, I see. I suppose they think I stole their brains or their courage or some such?"

You shake your head. "Not exactly."

"Ah, well then! Clearly you've come for entertainment! And I, indeed, am in a mood to entertain. Though I am afraid there will not be any musical accompaniment." She looks momentarily disappointed. "My last group of minstrels had an unfortunate...accident."

Cassie looks at her curiously. "Glinda, you know witches never meet merely to fraternize. We're here on business. We don't have much time."

"Of course not! Which is precisely why we all need to sit down for a lovely cup of tea. I insist!" Though the offer is polite, it is clearly not an invitation so much as a command. Before long, Glinda has shepherded you and your companions into a cozy room by a blazing fire, where you arrange yourselves around a small circular table set with an arrangement of delicious smelling jasmine tea and a large plate of crumpets.

Cassie looks unsettled. "This all looks lovely," she frets, "but we really do need to discuss things with you."

Glinda stirs her tea with her finger and glares intently.

"Don't meddle in the affairs of witches older than yourself, Occasus. You're liable to get your fingers burned." Her tea, you note, is boiling.