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My friends Tim and Lisa are going through the process of adopting a baby. Tim recently sent me an email outlining some of his plans for baby. I thought it was fairly humorous and asked him if I could post it on my weblog. The following is excerpted from said email:

I am doing a bunch of house projects right now, centering mostly around
"the baby room". Having a little time before a baby arrives, I feel I have
the opportunity to thoroughly prepare. To that end, I have devised the
following engineered solutions, which so far have not won the general
support of, well, anyone. Perhaps you will join me in their appreciation:

1. The number one problem that must be dealt with concerning babies is lack
of control of body functions, leading to diapering. The amount of work and
materials involved is staggering - by some estimates a baby reqiures 2,000
diaper changes in a year. Of course, the ultimate solution is for the child
to be potty trained as soon as possible. I will be looking into the latest
Swedish methods to achieve this, but it looks unlikely before the age of six
months.

The most distasteful part of a diaper change seems to me to be the
smell. Previously, I thought that this would be performed in the bathroom,
where a sink resides and where there is adequate ventilation to exchange the
entire volume of air in the room in a matter of minutes. Well, now I am
informed it will most likely occur in the babies bedroom, which has no
ventilation in the winter, when it is too cold to open a window.

Ideal
solution: change the baby under a laminar flow hood vented to the outside.

My solution: I have mounted a six inch square fan, the kind used for cooling
racks of electronics, on a board which can be wedged into a partially open
window so that only the hole of the fan is open to the outside, and it blows
air out of the room. The baby changing table is positioned a couple of feet
away, and all the smell is carried away.

2. Holding the baby properly is a challenge, especially if it gets all
squirmy. This often requires both hands, reducing the capacity to
multitask. Ideal solution: baby stays in a sling around the parent. My
solution: A large, elbow length glove is sewed onto the back of a baby
jumper which the baby wears, so that I can then put on the baby like a
glove, preventing spilling the baby, and making it easy to present the baby
to visitors for close inspections.

3. Basinets are a large encumbrence and take up a lot of space. My
solution: the baby can sleep in a drawer, in the same chest of drawers it
will later use for its clothes.

4. As the baby gets older and can move around, it should be allowed to
explore the world, but in a safe way. My solution: a movable pen, with no
bottom, which can be moved around the yard as one location becomes "soiled"
i.e no diapers required. I can do yardwork with the baby without having to
worry.

O.K., now I have read it and don't know what to say. Who is this Joe guy? Well, anyway. Play "where's Waldo?" if you like... Some of the people mentioned in the article are pictured on the Novel Web Site...

Ran into Panos tonight. He was hanging out in front of the Novel. That's where I usually run into him. Met him years ago when I was going to the poetry workshop at Beyond Baroque. Turns out my friend Suzan had told me a story about him already --before I met him. Then once when I was telling her something about the poetry workshop she says: "my friend Panos, that I told you that story about the blowjob he got in World War II, he goes to that workshop too!". When she told me this I could picture right away who he was. The next time I saw him at the workshop I introduced myself, saying that I thought we had a mutual friend and that she had told me his blowjob story. Anyway, so that's how I met Panos. He showed me his poem tonight that he had published in one of the local Venice papers. I asked him if I could put it in my weblog. He thought that was a good idea.

What's Wrong

By Panos Douvos

What have we done wrong

we only protect our national (oil) interests

bribe an Arab goon king or two

what's wrong with that

are they angry at our SUV's and heavy wallets

why are these dark Arab peasants upset

if they have a problem

we can squash them like bugs

what's wrong with that

we steal their human basics

back their goon-leaders

but they're our goon-leaders

what's wrong with that

they have a beef--we sound the drums

send in the black and brown boys

preserve our oilocracy

loot their lands--pollute the world

they look at us cross-eyed

we nuke their ass

what's wrong with that

so it is known

dad owns oil in Saudi-Arabia

dad owns Devils-brand oil wells

and come tomorrow--will own

the whole heil world

what's wrong with that
name url comment
sunil All right, that's it John, you did it...you got this chap in the FBI scanner!
John / Whats wrong with that
sunil Nice poem!