7 Safety Products (for the Incredibly Paranoid)

You probably wear your seatbelt, look both ways before crossing the street and make sure your chicken is cooked thoroughly before cramming it into your mouth. Safety first, right?

Well guess what, you're not taking it nearly far enough. Judging by the safety gear out there on the market, there are horrifying, retarded dangers you've never even thought of.

#7. "The Back Up" Bed Shotgun System

What's the American dream? We're going to have to go with, "Laying in bed whilst fighting off hordes of criminals and/or zombies."

But damn is that hard to coordinate. You want to be all comfy and your shotgun is way over there in the closet. That straight up sucks. You could get out of bed, but what is this, North Korea? You could just let the criminals and zombies eat you, but that's the Canadian way.

What you need is a solution to bring bed and shotgun together in a comfy, lethal combo. Say hello to the Back Up.

It's a shotgun mounting rack that fits between your mattress and box spring so that, in a pinch, your shotgun is mere seconds away and you don't have to stop watching Maury or stop eating pistachios to get it. At this point you're probably already polishing your gun and all atwitter with excitement that you need not expend any extra effort in shooting those hooligans who keep coming into your bedroom.

But wait, is that trepidation? Worried that you sleep on the wrong side of the bed? Fear not! As the website states, thanks to the Back Up's patented design, it can fit on either side of the bed. In fact, they recommend putting one on both sides, so that you can take out the fuckers coming in the door while your wife peppers rounds into the zombies at the window.

#6. "The Evacuchut" Office Building Escape Parachute

Everyone who works in a tall office building these days has to, in the back of their mind, imagine what they'd do in the event of a massive fire on the floors below them. We've all seen horrible images of this scenario playing out, and of course here we're talking about the70s movie The Towering Inferno, starring Faye Dunaway, Steve McQueen and OJ Simpson.

Fortunately, for those of us who fear that kind of nightmare situation, and who like to rely on cartoon logic to solve our problems, there is the Evacuchute. Peace of mind is just $2,500 away.

Designed for the office worker who would rather crash out of a window from the 93rd floor than wait for a potential rescue, the Evacuchute is your workplace emergency parachute evacuation system of choice.

And just because any school that teaches BASE jumping won't even think of training you unless you've done about 100 skydives and are fully licensed, odds are you'll do fine when you're in a panic and, with no training, bash out the window of your office and fly to safety when the smoke alarm goes off because someone overcooked some microwave popcorn.

#5. The Bulletproof Backpack

We all want to keep our children safe, and that's perfectly understandable. You don't let your toddler ride on the hood of the car or use your jackhammer without supervision. When they have the kickboxing matches in your back yard, you don't let them glue the glass to their fists (well, you don't let their opponents do it).

We guess a bulletproof backpack would pay off the day someone shoots you in the back during the few minutes out of the day when you actually have the backpack on, in the same way that having retractable ice skates embedded in the soles of your shoes will pay off the one time you're attacked by Mr. Freeze.

Yes, we're aware that some children do get shot from time to time. But if you're that paranoid about your child's potential to be shot at school it may behoove you to transfer to a better school district rather than outfitting them with a backpack and spending your days praying that, if and when someone runs amok with a firearm, they have the good taste to shoot your child in the one, backpack-sized area that happens to be protected.

Also, we're pretty sure the kids that need this the worst are the children of the owners of the bed-mounted gun rack up there.

#4. The Rapex Rapist Dick Destroyer

We'd like to take a moment here at Cracked.com to make light of rape.

OK, maybe that's not such a hot idea. What we will mock however is Rapex, the anti-rape device meant to be worn by women. In their vagina. That's right, it's a device that's less about preventing rape and more about getting revenge on the rapist while he's raping you.

So Rapex is basically a female condom that has wire barbs in it. If a woman is attacked by a man, the barbs dig into his penis and will have to be surgically removed. It kind of turns a woman's crotch into Sarlacc pit from Return of the Jedi. That in turn means any woman wearing this has the most badass vagina ever.

Again we want to make it clear, we are totally for rape prevention. We're going to stand by that controversial position. But we want rape prevention that works while the rapist is still 20 yards away. Like if they could invent one of these that somehow shoots out and lands on the rapist's dick while he's still on the other side of the parking lot, we'd be all for that. Especially if somebody uploads that event to YouTube.