Anyone with Internet access or a television has probably heard about the recent rash of LGBTQ teens committing suicide as a result of intense bullying. A lot of you have probably also read opinion pieces on it, ranging from intelligent and enlightening to belligerent and idiotic. I’ve been keeping tabs on this issue, it being relative and important to me for various reasons, and now I want to add my two cents.

I think the title of this post sums it up nicely, but let’s just be clear: IF YOU’RE A BULLY, YOU’RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

I think we all can agree on that. But if that were true, then there wouldn’t be bullies. Because nobody likes to think of themselves as an asshole. However, as we all know, a lot of people are assholes. So there seems to be a disconnect, because if I say a statement like that, everyone would agree. Or if I say “NOBODY LIKES AN ASSHOLE”, everyone would agree. Yet that clearly isn’t true, because all these assholes appear to have friends and family. I bet the parents of some of the bullies that picked on those LGBTQ teens are assholes too, so they clearly found someone who likes them enough to have a little family of assholes with them.

So let’s clarify: If you pick on someone for being different than you in some way, you’re a bully and an asshole. You’re also a fucking idiot, because everyone is different from everyone else in at least one way (and usually more like one thousand ways). And instead of shunning people for being different, which as we’ve established is idiotic, we should be glad that even though there are 6 billion of us, we all manage to be our own person. But even ignoring the cheesy factor inherent in that statement, the point is that if you’re picking on someone for having different hair or eyes or skin or teeth or sexual orientation or religious belief….it’s you against the world, then, asshole, because every single person you encounter will be different in some way. So maybe instead of trying to get everyone to conform to your narrowminded idea of what is acceptable, you should just shut the fuck up and mind your own business.

Who someone sleeps with or what god(s) they worship (or don’t) is nobody’s fucking business, first off. And physical features are all unchangeable factors that nobody should have to feel bad about just because a bully wants them to. Really, the person who should feel bad is the fucking bully, for being an ignorant asshole, and I think society should do more toward making those people feel just as stupid as they really are. It’s not the responsibility of the victims to change something in order to conform or blend in (yes, I have seen this proposed on a handful of blogs); it’s the responsibility of society to let bullies know their behavior is unacceptable. Because frankly, what we don’t need in this world are more bigoted assholes. What we DO need are more people who are proud of who they are, including embracing any true idiosyncrasies. Trying to “blend in” or hide who you really are is NEVER the answer, no matter what asshole bullies think. They’re the ones who need a reality check.

So I’m just trying to make it clear that bullies are assholes. Pass the word around, please, so I don’t have to make house calls. Next time you see someone being a bully, tell them they’re a fucking asshole and to cut it out. Remind them that NOBODY LIKES ASSHOLES. If that doesn’t work, point them in my direction. I promise I’ll take care of it.

I know I spend a lot of time on my blog ranting about things that make it seem like I want conformity in society, but I want to state outright that that is untrue. My rage mostly comes from a general lack of decorum, respect and awareness. I do not want everyone to be like me (that would pretty much be hell, I think); I do not want everyone to dress the same or act the same. I think we can all be individuals and still respect one another, and that is the source of my rants on this blog. I do not want my rants to be misconstrued as an attempt to make people fit a certain criterion. They’re just my personal pet peeves, and a lot of times I exaggerate them for comedic effect. BULLYING IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE. Don’t be an asshole.

I know in my last post about Wednesday, it looked as though I was throwing in the towel. But fear not! I was merely lulling Wednesday into a false idea of victory in order to give her a beating similar to the one she gave me that day.

I am pleased to report that two weeks running, I have slain the beast that is Wednesday. She has lost her allies to my cunning maneuvering, and now she must face me alone. And I must say, without her posse, she is not so formidable. I think she let herself get complacent, believing Tuesday or Thursday would always be there to back her up or even fight for her, but she was mistaken. I have no doubt that she’ll rally and strike again, but for now I will enjoy my back-to-back victories.

However, I cannot let myself be tricked into thinking every week will be this easy. I must never forget that Wednesday and I are locked in an epic battle that may never end. Bring it on, Wednesday. Bring it on.

Most of the topics I write about on my blog are things I find to be somewhat avoidable. If people just paid a little attention to their surroundings, and the other people therein, instead of being self-absorbed assholes all the time, I think I would be at least 50% less infuriated than I am in the current situations.

But there are also unavoidable things that really tick me off too, and today I’m going to talk about one of these: eating. Specifically, eating in public. Obviously, ingesting food is necessary for survival. And, as I’ve covered before, I love food. So I’m not saying people should stop eating around other people, because that’s an impossibility for countless reasons. But it doesn’t mean I have to find it enjoyable.

Because let’s face it: people are fucking slobs. Everyone is. I have never seen ONE person eating in public that didn’t make my stomach turn. The act of eating is just inherently gross, and it doesn’t matter if you’re eating a salad or a big greasy burger. All the rest of us can do is try and avert our eyes and focus on our own meal, knowing full well that we also look like gross slobs. Some people are worse than others, but right now I’m just talking about the general act of eating in public. There’s always crunching or squishing or spilling or swallowing or any of a plethora of other disgusting sounds that accompany eating. And while we’re generally unaware of our own eating sounds (although not always, and man does that kill my appetite really quickly), it’s impossible to ignore someone else’s, whether they’re a friend or some stranger sitting three tables away.

However, as I said, there’s nothing to be done about this, so I mostly just try to ignore it, for the sake of my sanity (hey, I never said all the things that pissed me off made sense). But then you get the people who are just over-the-top disgusting when they eat. One time, Significant Other and I were on the subway and a person sitting across from us was eating something gross (maybe fast food, I don’t remember) and belching loudly literally after every bite. AFTER EVERY FUCKING BITE. By the time we got to our stop I had lost my appetite for the rest of the night. It was one of the most disgusting public transportation encounters I’ve ever had (and I’ve been near people who don’t even try to cover their mouths when they sneeze. Hooray!). I understand some people have digestive issues, but I’ve never seen someone just blatantly disregard the people around them in order to wolf down a burger. If that were me, and that was an issue I had, you know I would fucking lock myself in my apartment before eating anything. But I understand not everyone feels such shame about these disgusting things (even though in this case the person definitely should have). And sometimes eating around other people, like at a restaurant, is unavoidable. BUT NOT ON THE SUBWAY. And these were not delicate, barely noticeable burps. They drowned out conversation and stank and UGH UGH UGH I think I’m having a terrible flashback, hold on.

…

Anyway, on top of the disgusting belching, this person also chewed with their mouth open. You could hear their lips smacking together and their teeth grinding and…okay, I have to stop now because it’s grossing me out just thinking about it again. My point is, if you HAVE to eat in public, maybe try not to be THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, OKAY? Ugh. It’s fucking public space, not your dining room, so learn a little decorum.

The other thing that drives me crazy is people who wolf down their food like they haven’t had a meal in three weeks and may never have one again. I’m a fast eater myself, but I still manage to have conversations during a meal and take breaks and BREATHE BETWEEN BITES, for example. I’m talking about people who are so focused on the food that it might as well be the only thing that exists in the universe. While that would be nice, it’s NOT TRUE. And eating that fast only seems to exacerbate all the problems inherent in the process (the noises, the mess, etc.), so it is EVEN LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN NORMAL, which is saying a lot considering how unattractive I consider normal eating to be. Now, if that’s truly the first meal the person has had in weeks, I won’t begrudge them the desire to cram it into their mouth as quickly as possible. But the odds of that being true are low, although not nonexistent. And if it’s at a nice restaurant, the odds are even lower. JUST TAKE YOUR TIME. Unless there’s something I’m unaware of, NOBODY IS GOING TO TAKE YOUR PLATE AWAY FROM YOU.

Luckily for the human race as a whole, but unluckily for me, this peeve extends beyond people and into the rest of the animal kingdom as well. You may remember Glutton Cat from my last post, and how aptly he is named. Well, watching him eat is almost as bad as being in a restaurant full of belchers and fast eaters would be. He pretty much inhales his food in about 20 seconds, making a huge mess that I then have to clean up, and making this gross smacking noise the entire time, probably because he’s sucking the food down so quickly. In that time, he also manages to get his bowl completely clean. I mean, it looks like it just came out of the fucking dishwasher. You would think I starve this fucking cat. So, he’s basically the worst combination of fast eater and noisy eater, my two most hated types. And I have to sit in the kitchen EVERY DAY and listen to/watch him eat, to make sure he doesn’t inhale the other cats’ food and the plates and possibly the entire kitchen in his haste. THIS IS SOME KIND OF TERRIBLE TORTURE and also why I don’t believe in God, because even a vengeful God wouldn’t be spiteful enough to do this to me.

Look. I know this is one of my personal neuroses, but when you stop to think about it I don’t think ANYONE could tell me that eating isn’t gross. Food is (mostly) delicious and I endorse eating it and enjoying it, but maybe SOME OF US (I’m looking at you, subway belcher) should keep to themselves when they eat. Nobody wants to hear your nauseating soundtrack.

My cats and I are in an epic battle. All they want to do is eat all the food, and all I want is for them not to die of obesity.

One of my cats is a serious glutton. I don’t know what his problem is, but unlike most cats, who will graze all day if you leave food out, my one cat will eat it all IMMEDIATELY as if he hasn’t eaten in DAYS and he may never eat AGAIN. So about a year ago when we took him to the vet, we were warned that he was just over his target weight with the potential to be obese if we just kept letting him eat.

So this means that now we only feed the cats at set times during the day. Once in the morning, once before I pick Significant Other up from the train (around 5) and once before we go to bed. We’ve been doing this schedule for nearly a year now, with some variations here and there for numerous reasons. The other two cats seem to get it and know when food time is coming and will follow me around only close to those times. Glutton Cat still hasn’t caught on.

Since we moved into our new place and I started working from home most the time, between 3 and 5 pm Glutton Cat just sits and stares at me. And if I move—I don’t just mean getting up and heading in the general direction of the kitchen, I mean even if I so much as twitch or breathe heavily—he fucking meows at me. And not just one meow. A whole string of them. Just in case I didn’t hear the first five, he adds five more. And just in case I didn’t hear him the last time I breathed, he meows again. And just in case I didn’t notice him, he’ll jump on my (small) desk. And stare. And meow.

Breaking news: I feed you at the same fucking time EVERY DAY. It’s been a YEAR NOW. Please catch on ANY TIME YOU LIKE and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

Because at 3pm, I am still working. And there are TWO HOURS TO GO before you’re getting food, Glutton Cat. I mean, the other two cats seem marginally more intelligent, but the more Glutton Cat freaks out about food, the more they start to think maybe it IS food time and they should freak out, too. Soon I’m sitting in my office trying to do work and I have a chorus of cats sitting around me expecting food when it’s 3:30 and there’s still 90 minutes before they get to eat.

I think in his tiny dysfunctional brain, he must think that I feed him every day after he meows for two hours BECAUSE of his meowing and general creeper attitude of staring at me from any location in my office. Like he’s finally worn me down, EVERY DAY AT THE SAME TIME, with his persistence.

It’s actually fucking unbelievable how this happens like CLOCKWORK, yet he hasn’t caught on to the ACTUAL CLOCKWORK OF THE FACT THAT HE EATS AT THE SAME TIME EVERY FUCKING DAY. He fucking knows when it’s time for him to meow, like he can read the digital clock on my computer and see that it’s 3pm, so it’s time for fucking constant meows, but he can’t cotton on to the fact that he eats at 5pm NO MATTER WHAT.

Frankly, if it were up to me, I wouldn’t give him his food until he STOPPED meowing. Because then maybe there would be a tiny fucking light bulb in his tiny fucking brain that would go off, and he would realize that THE MEOWING, IT DOES NOTHING.

But then I’d feel like I was inadvertently punishing the other, non-stupid cats. In school, I always hated being punished when the dumb kids did something wrong, because I was a smart kid. So I don’t want to do that, even if it’s just to my cats. So I just make sure I feed them at the same time every day, and at night I pray that someday Glutton Cat will fucking get a clue.

You all might think I’m being a little harsh, calling him a glutton, but there’s another reason for it: aside from him thinking ALL THE TIME IS FOOD TIME and OMG I HAVEN’T EATEN IN DAYS, he also takes it upon himself to eat the other cats’ food. I give them all the same fucking amount, and Glutton Cat will scarf his down in 20 seconds, and then see that the other two STILL HAVE FOOD, SO CLEARLY I HAVE GIVEN THEM MORE! WHY?! WHY IS LIFE SO HARD?! and then he goes over and tries to nose into their dish and wolf down their food, too. I literally have to stand in the kitchen and monitor them while they eat to make sure Glutton Cat doesn’t eat all the food before the other cats can finish. I mean, it’d be one thing if he went to their bowls once they had walked away, but he PUSHES THEM AWAY AND TAKES THEIR FOOD. So I can’t just put their food down and fucking go back to work (because lately I am ALWAYS WORKING); I have to stand there for 15 minutes and chase Glutton Cat away from the other bowls.

He’s so convinced that he’s being starved to death, sometimes he doesn’t even finish the food in his own bowl before he tries to steal food from the other cats. If that isn’t gluttony, I don’t know what is. Maybe if he didn’t inhale his food, he would realize that HE ACTUALLY HAS A PRETTY FUCKING SWEET DEAL. He gets to sleep all day (until 3pm), then he gets to fucking stuff his face with food, and then he gets to GO BACK TO SLEEP. I wish I could do that. So stop being an asshole, Glutton Cat. YOUR LIFE IS NOT THAT HARD.

Frankly, I don’t feel like this is asking too much of a cat. Look, I know they have teeny little brains and are mostly just cute, but all I ask is that Glutton Cat take a fucking break from harassing me from 3 to 5 every fucking day. I already deal with enough whining idiots in my job; I don’t need one sitting in my office with me complaining directly in my ear for two hours EVERY DAY.