Monday, February 7, 2011

What to Get Your Man for Valentine's Day

Ladies (and some men), you remember your last disappointing Valentine's Day present, don't you? You were sitting by a warm, crackling fire, snuggling with your hubby when he handed you a small, wrapped present. Flush with anticipation, you tore the box open, only to find a present that reduced your relationship to a cheap sexual joke. While you spent hours finding something for your man that exemplified your commitment, he bought you edible undies or a naughty keychain or something else that was similarly vile.

Days later, you noticed his gift in the trash and you got this nagging feeling in the back of your mind. Did he really think this was a good Valentine's Day present? And, if so, what did he think of YOUR present? Ladies (and some men), let me be honest with you: he hated it. He hated it a lot. The problem is there are fundamental differences in the way you and your man think. There isn't much you can do to understand him better, in spite of what Oprah might say, but you can learn to get him better gifts.

I've listed a bunch of Valentine's Day gift ideas below. They're in order of expense/difficulty but also in order of how much he'll love them/you. So, try to go for the ones at the top and, if you fail at that, work your way down.

Gift Idea One - Greatest Valentine's Gift Ever
The one thing a man wants, more than anything in the world, is a harem. Yeah, I know, he tells you he only wants you and you alone, and he makes a big show of being freaked out when watching Big Love, but that's what he wants, deep down. That's what all men want, deep down. Now, I don't expect either of my readers to get their men harems, they're expensive to buy and maintain, but keep it in mind for later. It will certainly make you "Number One" in your man's book (or whatever they call the "Primary Concubine").

Gift Idea Two - Show Him You're a Keeper
If you can't pull off a harem, there's a much less expensive and easier route: the threesome. You must have to have a hot single friend who tells you how hot you look after a few drinks. Or maybe you know someone who has had a bad breakup and needs something to rub in her ex's face. Sure, it'll be awkward the next time you three meet, but it's worth it to show your man that your friends are his friends.

Gift Idea Three - Do It for Him
If you don't have the money for a harem or the deepness of commitment for a threesome, there's always That Thing. You know what I mean. He's asked for it but you won't do it. You've made it clear that it's That Thing You Won't Do In the Bedroom and he needs to get over it. He's been sensitive and backed off after proposing it (ten or twenty times), but he still thinks about it. Don't believe me? Walk over to him and offer to do That Thing right now. Go on. Wait, he took you up on it? He's getting out that leather riding crop? Oops! Too late to back out now. Happy Valentine's Day!

Gift Idea Four - Romantic Instead of Kinky
Not into the Harem? Afraid of the Threesome? Read to the last sentence of That Thing and chickened out? Really looking for something nonsexual to give for Valentine's Day? Okay, let me think. Erm. Nope, I got nothing. Just go ahead and get whatever you were going to get him anyway. Sure, he's not going to really like it; he's going to just unwrap your present, smile unconvincingly, and daydream about what I listed above. But look on the bright side, he's not going to get you what YOU really wanted either. Why reward him for getting you THAT?