Mother-in-law stressing me

AGONY PEP TALK with AUNT SUEHey Auntie,PLEASE hide my identity.Â I have been married for three years to a loving and supportive man. The problem is just that since we got married his mother asks for financial and material support including relish from him and not me.Â I told my hubby to encourage her to ask from me but she refused to do so. I have just started ignoring her actions, but I still showed her love even when he is not around. I should mention that we started off on a good note and since my mum is deceased, I was so excited to have her as my mother. I used to do everything I could to keep her feel comfortable. It got to my last nerves recently when she ordered us to take care of her 21-year-old niece since she had to move homes.Â I told my hubby that I would be happy if she personally informed me but she just told him that he should relay the message. Later on she asked me if he had told me that we were going to start looking after the girl. I said yes but…before I could finish my answer, she cut in and said a lot of things. I just kept quiet. After which she started telling some of her family members that am a bad-hearted person. When I was told that by someone, I didnâ€™t tell hubby.Â I just ignored it too. The girl she gave us to look after, comes home late and my husband is aware of it but he doesnâ€™t say anything. She canâ€™t cook a proper meal so I have to cook; she canâ€™t clean her own bedroom until I tell her off, but still keeps it dirty when I donâ€™t talk. I donâ€™t want to discuss his mother with him because I have so much respect for her. I really hate whatâ€™s happening because I am afraid I will drift away from being part of his family. I no longer chat with his mother because of this and a lot more. Clearly she doesnâ€™t recognise me as his helper because she doesnâ€™t ask for anything from me unless when he says he doesnâ€™t have thatâ€™s when she considers me as plan B. I am trying to figure out if I am doing anything wrong. Thanks and stay blessed.
Dear Anonymous,
My dear donâ€™t get frustrated by all this. Your husband loves you and the other things can be overcome easily.
It is not only your family that has that â€˜problemâ€™. In most traditions, it is a taboo for the father in-law to greet the daughter in-law in the hand (So goes for the mother in-law and the son in-law) let alone sit down and discuss issues.
However, the same tradition dictates that mothers-in-law should approach daughters-in-law when in need and not their sons. (This goes for the father-in-law and son-in-law). According to this tradition, your husband and mother-in-law are wrong. I am sure your mother-in-law is the wiser and is doing it deliberately.
Your husband should refer his mother to you every time she asks for anything. This approach will remove any suspicion of him giving his mother a lot more support without your knowledge. The bad feeling that your mother-in-law has towards you may reduce by your frequent interaction.
The problem of your niece falls on your husbandâ€™s shoulders, squarely. He is the head of the home and when such problems arise, he should rise to the occasion. The behaviour of that girl shows she is now of age and wants to have her own home where she can go and come as she pleases.Â If that girl does not want to listen to you then she is not ready to stay with you.
In love, talk to your husband about your two concerns and let him understand that there should be change in the way things are done in the home. Let him talk to the girl about her behaviour. He should make it clear that he will have no option but to move her out of your home if she doesnâ€™t change.
That girl will be bad influence on your children, if any, and the earlier you act the better.

****He is stingy Aunt Sue,I am a young lady aged 25 and in college. I am seeing a man who is very stingy with his money that he cannot do a single thing for me but he says he loves me and he has a very good job. I have decided to find a man who loves me and is able to part away with his money as well. But I still have my boyfriend. Help me because I am seeing him also I have not yet broken up with him. How do I tell him in a nice way?R.
Dear R,
Love is all about giving. Where there is no giving, there is no love.
I must be quick to mention that giving is not monetary only. It includes a lot of issues and if you will leave this man I want you to be sure that the man cannot change for the better.
Most men are target-oriented and will focus on one thing until it is accomplished. To them, all else is not relevant or important.Â It is most likely he is after something that he thinks is important for your future together and he thinks you appreciate what he is after. It could be that he is building a big house, or wants to buy a beautiful car, or he is studying or saving for your wedding or â€¦â€¦ so there many reasons why he may be so. For men, you have to take time and remind them that there are other issues that are important and need their attention, too.
I am sure you have never discussed the issue of money and you want him to guess. Take time to discuss with him how he views money and giving.
On the other hand, if the man is just stingy and cannot give you a single thing then I doubt that love. Itâ€˜s either thereâ€™s someone else he is seeing who he gives his money. My advice to you is to leave the man and tell him yourself, in love why you decided to end it. Be careful to do it in a place which is not very private. Some men donâ€™t take break ups nicely.
Be in one relationship at a time. If you donâ€™t handle this issue quickly, it will explode in your face.

***

Poor love makingDear Aunt Sue,Â Thank you for your wise counsel and May God give you more wisdom. I am a 38-year-old woman and I have been happily-married to my husband for 10 years. The problem I have is that my husband cannot satisfy me in bed and I know this because I have had other men before I got married and so I know what I am talking about. I am thinking of having a man friend who can do a good job because I am not growing any younger, I feel I need to have a good time before I die. I cannot waste my entire life being miserable with this man. My husband seems to be okay with what he offers. Please help me before l make a mistake.TMK.
Dear TMK,
Couples need to discuss all areas of their lives including issues that we regard sacred. Imagine if you had come out and discussed it with your husband and sought help earlier, you wouldnâ€™t be in this situation 10 years down the line.
Comparing your husband with other menâ€™s skill is not helping your situation.Â These are some of the consequences of extra/pre-marital sex and sleeping with multiple partners. This affects both men and women
Hope is not lost my dear, to every problem there is a solution; even your problem can be solved. What you need, both of you, is counsel.Â Discuss with your husband your problem and ask if you could find someone to help. Make sure you are in agreement and then talk to a mature couple you can trust with your problem, especially at your church. Additionally, your husband should go for a medical check-up at a specialist clinic, either UTH or other private institution.
You are married to a very loving man; please donâ€™t get temped to go for other men. It will just compound the problem.Â Â HIV and AIDS are issues that you should consider, if not for the love of God.
Please give your husband a chance by helping him get help.

***Iâ€™m pregnant, heâ€™s marriedPlease help me I am so ashamed of myself because I got pregnant at the age 20 and the man responsible is a married man. My pregnancy is not yet showing but I want my mother to know but I am so afraid that I donâ€™t even know how to tell her because she will be mad with me especially that I am in school. How do I tell my mother?Worried girl.
Dear Worried,
It is good you are not blaming the man alone for your situation. You went into this relationship with full knowledge of the consequences of pre-marital sex.
It is very careless of you to have allowed this to happen, worse still with a married man.Â You are supposed to be concentrating on school and not sleeping around and now that is the result, unwanted pregnancy!Â In the past, this would have been the end of your schooling, but thank God that has since changed. You will be able to get back in school after delivery. This though is no consolation.
You now have to contend with a lot of issues from now on.
Your first task is to reveal the issue to your mother. If you are afraid to tell your mother, I suggest you tell your grandmother instead and let her go and break the sad news to your mother. If you donâ€™t have one, involve your aunties to break the sad news.
Immediately after, I want to encourage you to gather courage and go for VCT for your own safety and that of your unborn child. By knowing your status, medical personnel will give you professional advice on how you can take care of yourself and your unborn baby.
The other issue will be on how your family will handle the man since he is married. In the picture is his wife, his family, his financial support to you and a lot more.Â So my dear, this is a big problem
I hope you have even learnt your lessons.
Please do not forget to seek Godâ€™s help.Send your questions to mattersoflife@hotmail.com/pchilufya@daily-mail.co.zm or gender@daily-mail.co.zmOr bring your questions in person to any of the Zambia Daily Mail offices. You can also reach Aunt Sue athttp://www.facebook.com/AUNT.SUE.PEP.TALK.