Okay so I've read a couple of your stories (read: all of them) and I've never left a single review (sorry) but then i came across this and i was like WOW. This deservees some praise.

This was insanely good. Stream of consciousness is never supposed to make complete sense so I didnt actually bother to try a interpret this. (I'm lying, i actually have my own interpretation but it's probably rubbishand/or pathetic and im scared of putting it up here for fear of sounding like i haven't got the point, dumb, foolish and so on.)

I have only really read two stream of consciousness stories on here. this one and 'This is how big a moonbeam is' and im not entierly sure which one is my favourite but this was one awesome peice of work. Absolute Genius.

I'm just going to finish off the review here beacuse i dont know what to say (thi is why i dont usually write reviews).

Although that confused me a little bit:
That was completely amazing. It was a myth weaved into a life.
and I love the last line. So I hope your heart is good and broken and that you've had your fill of apples because, beloved, you've fallen. It's so sad. But good.
You understand what I'm saying right? It's so confusing but so... truthful? I like to think that it's truthful.
Anyways, it was amazing. Thanks :) 10/10
You're one of my favorite authors on the site :)

Agh! I accidentally submitted my review before I was done! D: I was going to edit some stuff around and add more, but I guess I'll just continue.. :(

I really enjoyed the characterization you gave whoever these people are. I feel like at first, the girl had the upper had, with her doing all the ordering and basically having more of a say than the boy did. But then that last parentheses paragraph really did me in. It pretty much changed my whole perspective of the story and showed weakness that I wasn't expecting at all in the girl. Especially since in the last paragraph she's trying to act all indifferent but the boy so obviously pointed out that she's scared. Quite the blow to her girl power.

Just the story overall was genius. I blown away and pretty jealous that this was done without editing and is so brilliant.

I loved this. Really, if you could have seen my reaction to the story! I started out with my head tilted because I was curious and ended up with a small smile!

I take it the parentheses is the guy? Well, at least in my head it is! I really really enjoyed the narration. To me, the girl was a little condescending and quite bossy. I'm not really sure how to describe the guy. Kind of placating, with an attitude?

I see this as a Lily/James or a Hermione/Ron, just because of the way it seemed like they were arguing. Kind of snappy, frustrated.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a beautiful, wonder, awesome example of stream of consciousness!" *wild screaming from the audience* Gubby, that made no sense and it made perfect sense. So random and crazy and fun and deep and wild. You didn't tame your thoughts, you just let them roll - that is true writing. Write whatever comes to mind and that you've done. I giggled and smiled like a girl in love whilst reading this. I love it. LOVE it. I'm so glad you liked my challenge and truly understood the challenge and what stream of consciousness writing means.

So...I sort of feel like this fic jumped off the page and punched me in the face. In the best way possible, of course. How do you write like this?

Is it readable? Hell to the yes. Readable, enjoyable, lovable. And somewhat nonsensical, as SOC is meant to be, but honestly, I thought it made a lot of sense. I love how you framed it using the Fall, and how you drew parallels between your characters and Eve and the serpent.

I saw a lot of innuendo in it, too, which I imagine was intentional because you rated it as having scenes of a sexual nature. I loved it. The whole thing felt like a subtle seduction.

I think the best part might have been how you used two contrasting voices -- it was a very unique touch, added onto the SOC style. The parenthetical voice was highly amusing, and at times he (I'm assuming it's a male) almost seemed to be speaking rather petulantly and stubbornly. It was interesting because, for all the main speaker's assertions that Parenthetical Guy is weak, I didn't see him as all that weak. I saw him as placating, but that's not necessarily weakness -- could just as easily be strategy.

I like that you didn't define the characters. It makes this universally applicable, and in all honesty I think this is entirely outside the realm of HPFF -- it could function perfectly as original fiction, and it would be even more fascinating and mysterious because we wouldn't have a defined universe of characters to try to apply to the fic.

I'm not sure who the characters are, really. The female voice seems very strong and commanding. At one point I entertained the idea of the female being a witch and the male being a Muggle -- then the idea of knowledge and ignorance would hold meaning on an entirely new level.

I was always total crap at analyzing SOC, so I won't even try it because I'll probably get it wrong. ^_^ But I can tell you that your writing is stunning and gorgeous, and I'm so glad I read this. Please request again soon! I wish I had more time on my hands so I could read ALL of your fics!

10/10

Melanie

Author's Response: Yay, a review from the featured reviewer! I feel honored already. Add to the mix that I think you're a spectacular author as well, AND this review, and I feel so warm and fuzzy and happy.

I honestly can't believe that this is even slightly readable; it's just too out there. By that token, that you actually enjoyed it - and saw some semblance of sense in it - makes me very happy.

Yes, the innuendo was intentional (yay, someone picked it up!). Subtle seduction - that actually fits! I thought of this fic as vaguely chilling with some innuendo, but subtle seduction does fit, as she's taunting/teasing him about his weakneses.

The two contrasting voices came more from the fact that I intended for it to be in first person: the man's voice is the grounding, the narration, whereas everything else is dialogue. I'm not sure why I formatted it that way, but I like it; I guess it gives some emphasis on the girl's dialogue, and the man really does feel like he's interrupting her. I see where you're getting petulant, but I think stubborn works better. Placating works best, though; he is letting her have her moment, but he does have... a strategy, as you put it.

Lately I've gotten into the habit of not defining characters. Not sure why; I think here, at least, it ruins the flow. But OF! -faints- I'm horrible when it comes to OF, but I see that it could work as such. Ohh, a witch and a Muggle! That's really interesting, I never would have thought that. In my head, they are a witch and wizard, but I really like that idea. The knowledge and ignorance would definitely be on an other level.

I beg to differ! You hit on so many points in this review! I do think that soc is a subjective thing, and I love hearing everyone's interpretations of something I dreamed up one night. I'm so relieved and humbled that you enjoyed this at all (though I definitely don't recommend you going near a lot of my work), and thank you so much for everything!

Is it bad that I thought it made sense? Because it did, but I have read stream of consciousness before, so the style wasn't quite so startling as it is the first time. But I think you pulled off the style really well - it can't be easy to write something like this.

What I love about this is the dialogue you have going on - a double stream of consciousness, two characters demanding the reader's attention. I've never seen it done before and I think it's brilliant. The "I" voices are so much in conflict with one another; I laughed a few times at the voice in parentheses because it was so blunt about everything. I got the feeling that he was used to being ignored by the other speaker. He is weaker in will, yet his voice really stood out (if that makes any sense).

I squeed at the references to the Fall, especially because you used more of Milton's story than the Biblical one (which is sadly undetailed). What I found interesting was how the one speaker had interpreted the story, suiting it to her own beliefs and her relationship with the male speaker, instead of basing it in the "real" story. Because Eve was more like the male speaker is here - a bit rebellious, but still unable to resist temptation. That parallel was a delicious one to see. :D

Needless to say, I loved this story. You're just way too good a writer, Gubby. :P

Author's Response: Of course it isn't bad! Actually, I'm relieved that it worked on any level. But - if I may say so - this was surprisingly easy to write. Sure, I had no idea where my imagination was taking me, but that's part of the fun of the challenge, isn't it? So rereading this for the umpteenth time, I don't know how this happened, but looking back to the actual process of writing it, I was nervous, but ready to go along with it.

It is a dialogue! The male's voice is actually first-person narration, while the female's is literally her voice, her dialogue. I've never seen it done, either; forgive me if I'm wrong, but this is meant to be the insight into one character's mind, but I guess I took it as an insight into *my* mind instead XD I'm glad you saw the contrast between them both. I think that he is used to being overshadowed by her - clearly she's dramatic, playful, a bit of a free spirit - he doesn't mind it. It's almost like he's letting her have her moment, but inside he's very wry about it. He is, I think, what grounds the piece, so yes, you did make sense :)

Funnily enough, literally days after I posted this, we started reading Genesis in school. So I think that, as far as the story of the Fall goes, I've always been more familiar with Milton's version (and I agree, the Biblical story is woefully undetailed). And of course, you're right, she does twist the story to suit her own circumstances as far as he is concerned.

Every time you leave a review for me, I'm startled by the praise and the depth. This was a total surprise for me and I'm so happy you liked it! Thank you ever so much, Susan!

Oh wow. You're right about it not making much sense but...wow. I can't guarantee the length of previous reviews, or the depth, just because I'm in shock!

Gubby, you never cease to amaze me. Never. Your style here is just fabulous. From the word 'go', I was hooked. You're the queen of second person. It was sensational.

The narrative really made it feel quite creepy and almost invasive. I did feel a little vulnerable when I read it. I think I did shiver once or twice too. The voice really gets under your skin. It's scarily manipulative.

The apple was a fantastic motif throughout the whole thing, as was the comparison to Adam, Eve and Eden. There are so many ways I could read into it - my brain is going into overdrive in trying to understand just a tiny bit of what is going on.

I could write an essay on this, analysing every line to decipher meaning, yet I don't want to. It's so perfect in its...chaos, its confusion that it should remain untouched.

The last line is just...gorgeous. It is fantastic. Chilling, in a way. It made me want to edge away a bit. You really dragged me in.

In response to the critique focuses on the form, enjoyable doesn't cover it. I ADORE it and it is going straight in my favourites. It is breathtaking. Completely readable. I was dying to get to the end, just to see if it would become any clearer.

Gubby, you completely deserve your ranking at TGS. You are just untouchable, in all honesty. You're unique and this is a phenomenal piece of writing.

Astounding
xxx

Author's Response: Rachel, honey, you are way too sweet, and self-deprecating. This review is completely phenomenal. I think I turned about seven shades of red when I first read it.

I actually intended for this to be first person - parethetical male voice is narration, everything else is female dialogue - but it does feel like second person! As I was probably more anxious about style than anything, thank you.

Manipulative, indeed. I love how you phrased that paragraph. Creepy and almost invasive. I love when reviewers can describe things better than the author can. I do think she is kind of frightening in her spite, but she doesn't mean it. Entirely, anyway.

As I said to Molly, I had eaten a really delicious apple for lunch that day and that (and I suppose, Kalina's entry to the challenge, which I have indeed read) got stuck in my head. Then I remembered that I had to get this somehow linked to "heartrending," hence where the Fall came in. And from there, I actually needed something semi-sad, which is why I wrote that last sentence. She means it to be heartrending, but it really isn't. Although chilling, I think, does fit.

Oh, gosh, thank you. I can't believe you could ever say so much about this little fic, and about me! I only look forward to when you're promoted to prodigal as well, because you completely deserve it.

This was absurd and wonderful to read. It didn't make any sense, but yet, at the same time, it did. I liked the structure of the entire piece and even though some might see it as a jumble of words, I think it's definitely more than that - there's order among chaos and I love it. ^_^

Author's Response: Aww, thank you! As I wasn't expecting anyone to see any sort of order in this, this review really made me happy. I'm so glad you enjoyed it, thanks for reviewing!

Awesome last line!! Okay, this was... different. It flows well, but it got me so confused that, even though I consider myself a nerd, I didn't understand a thing. I mean, I get the apple bit and the snake and Eve, and that the snake was a guy, but... omg, I am confused. :P So, anyway, the whole time I was imagining Lucius for some reason, but if it's not him, my second guess is Sirius (and Lily is Eve). I'm not sure why though, juts a gut feeling. :)

Author's Response: Different is an understatement, Lyn XD And yes, it was meant to confuse, although I guess it was quite a lot of confusion. If this clears things up: the fic is in first person, with the narration in the parentheses and the dialogue everything else. The girl, the snake, is talking to him. Rambling, really. But I could see Lucius (and Narcissa?) in this - Cissa could be the playful, manipulative cynic and Lucius would let her words roll off him. But Sirius/Lily actually fits this better than what I even imagined! It's also very close to what I thought of, so good on you! See, it wasn't that bad, was it? Thanks for reviewing, love!

Hey Gubby! *hugs* Here I am for the review you requested. I'm really glad you came to my humble thread because I had seen you post this story in another thread and I wanted to read it. I'm actually a huge fan of this narrative style!

Okay, I just read it straight through, and all I have to say is: WHAT?! Okay, I have more to say than that. This was very interesting. I started off trying to guess who the characters were, and then decided it would be better off not trying to guess, and then it just came to me without trying. My guess is that it's about Draco, and perhaps Pansy? I may be way off here. Let me read it again before I explain myself and actually try to offer something constructive.

Okay, so I'm going back and forth now. This time, I read it as Merope and Tom. But that would make it backwards... because Tom didn't really love Merope. But it seems to fit, because the potion was all a lie. You mentioned a test several times, though, and death. I can't seem to figure out what that test is. But Tom was tempted by Merope by a potion that he didn't really want to take in the first place. Gosh, I'm not anywhere close, am I?

Still, I really enjoyed reading this. It made me think, and I loved trying to riddle it out. I really don't think I can give you a typical analysis, though. I can tell you that the style was beautiful, and I really enjoyed the interruptions by the man that the narrator is talking to. It pulled everything together for me. And the playful bitterness of the speaker was really effective. At least that's what it felt like to me.

She was very patronising, in my interpretation. It was almost like she was holding something over the man's head... the fact that he was weak and gave into temptation. (Now I'm rambling) That's what made me think of Draco initially, because he joined the DEs for appearance sake, then learned what they truly were, and wanted to back out but couldn't. Kind of like the apple/knowledge deal.

Maybe the narrator isn't an actual character, but an entity? Maybe it is the embodiment of temptation? No. It would make sense if it was Voldemort, except for the romance bit. Gosh, I love thinking this through. You don't have to explain it all to me, but I may be sending you a PM on TGS if it ends up driving me crazy (which it probably will).

Great work. I'm not sure what rating to give you, so I suppose I'll just go with my instinct and say 10/10. Yes, I was confused, but in the best possible way. :)

Keep writing,
Gina

Author's Response: Hi, Gina! I'm so happy that you got here. And squee, a fan of stream of consciousness! It's not that I don't like it, but I personally find it difficult to read others' (cough Virginia Woolf cough), but it's certainly a lot of fun to write!

That's exactly the kind of reaction I expected. It barely makes sense to me XD Draco and Pansy I hadn't thought of, actually, because I can't see her being this... manipulative? I suppose? But I see where you're coming from, and it's an interesting take. Tom and Merope is actually cool, too; maybe he was under the potion here? The test, actually (I feel so stupid saying it), is a literal test. Examination. Sit down in a classroom and answer questions about subject matter. But I like your reading so much better! And therein lies the fun in soc - so many interpretations.

I know, it's probably difficult to really critique this is because it is so out-there. I'm so happy you liked the style, though, as it's probably the most confusing part of the entire fic. The parenthetical information is actually narration, or so I thought; everything else is the girl's dialogue. But yeah, I thought he grounded the fic in some sort of reality. The girl is definitely playful, maybe a little spiteful, and I'm glad you picked up on that! She is patronising, isn't she? Playful and patronising.

An entity? That is hands-down THE most original interpretation of this fic I've seen so far. I never even thought about it as the embodiment of temptation... or I guess I thought about it in terms of the personification of temptation? XD

Feel free to send me a PM about this! I'd love to talk about my interpretation without worrying about ruining the experience for any readers :) And, of course, thank you ever so much for this, Gina. I feel so much better in that the fic did what I wanted it to do - confuse, but bring about some thought. Thanks so much, ily.

I'm really beginning to think that you can do no wrong. And that you can write just about anything perfectly. Because if this was not perfection, then I honestly don't know what is. And I'm not trying to say that to flatter you because, really, why would I waste my breath doing that? Lol. Seriously, though, this was just...well, for one, I think that William Faulkner should take a page out of your book because this is how you write a stream of consciousness, not some crazy mumbo jumbo sentence that lasts for three-fourths of the page.

*clears throat*

Anyway.

I love the apple metaphor. The Adam/Eve/Serpent/Eden aspect. How you came up with that from a word like "heartrending" is beyond me, but it just further proves the reach of your genius. I liked how it was a constant, the root of the story, opposed to you just mentioning it once. I have a little love affair with repetition, which may be why one of my favourite authors of all time is Chuck Palahniuk, but this is about you and your beyond wonderful story, not me. Even though I do so enjoy talking about myself. :)

As far as the diction goes, I don't think I've ever encountered a story with such clever wording. You didn't have to go out of your way with big, descriptive words to get your point across, to paint your picture. You used simple, every day words that should have little to no impact and put the force of the Hulk's punch behind them. It just...it baffles me, to be quite honest, how someone could be so talented, yet at the same time I find myself a hideous shade of green in my envy.

In short, this was amazing. Brilliant. Entirely too epic for words to describe. Thank you so much for requesting this review from me, Gubby, because I doubt I would have had the opportunity to read it otherwise, and it's been such a pleasure. SUCH a pleasure.

Regards,
Molly

Author's Response: Your reviews are always lovely, Molly, but this one probably takes the cake.

As this is incredibly experimental, even more than usual, I was very anxious about your reaction. And this is just... insane. Insanely flattering. For one thing, I was nervous because this is not a typical stream of consciousness fic to begin with; when I'm not trying, I get semi-normal sentences, which I guess isn't a very typical way for this to go XD And I'm sensing that you have issues with Faulkner?

I started out with the apples, honestly, because I had had a particularly crisp, lovely one for lunch that day. (This was written around eleven at night). Then I remembered the word I was supposed to use, so made it veer off into the Fall. I thought it would be a depiction of two people, meant for each other but eventually falling apart - that's where the heartrending would have come in. I think. But it became too much, as I couldn't keep my eyes open, so I ended it where I did.

When I try, my vocabulary becomes a bit more... sophisticated. Or pretentious, whichever. But in my head, this was the girl's dialogue, and she wouldn't use really fancy words. Honestly, I don't know what you're talking about as far as "impact" and "Hulk's punch" go, but I am so happy that you enjoyed it this much!

I never intended for epic, but if the shoe fits... I kid, I kid. I'm just incredibly honored and flattered and humbled that you could ever say this about something so random and chaotic. Thank you, thank you, thank you.