The Erotic Muse: In Bed With Our Next President

The great American pastime; no, it’s not really baseball. It’s the cutthroat antics of the media circus known as the Presidential Election cycle. It’s hard to imagine a better collection of caricatures, and yet here are the front-runners.

In case you’re unfamiliar, here is a mini synopsis, albeit slightly biased. Included are actual quotes of the potential candidates, however the context might be slightly skewed. For your pleasure, here are the Nominees.

Republicans

Rick Santorum

The former two-term Senator from Pennsylvania announced yet another bid to be the party’s nominee for president in 2016 on May 27, 2015. His views that the United States Supreme Court laws should come second only to "God’s law," is the scariest thing about this skinny turd.

Worst thing ever said in bed: "I am the law!"

Kinks: Not using contraception. But if you become pregnant, he won’t help pay for the abortion, either.

Rand Paul

Named after Ayn Rand, this Jr. Paul became known after speaking as a leader of the Tea Party a couple of years ago, which already gives three examples as to why he should never be president of anything except the Ayn Rand book club.

Worst thing ever said in bed: "I never, ever cheated. I don't condone cheating. But I would sometimes spread misinformation. This is a great tactic. Misinformation can be very important."

Kinks: Telling you that he’s a libertarian.

MarcoRubio

Marco Rubio is thirsty. And not just for water. Being himself of Cuban heritage, he will remind you over and over that he’s actually not just another white guy in a suit. Even if that’s who he actually works with, and represents.

Worst thing ever said in bed: He doesn’t speak much, because he still can’t explain why supporting the cutting of food stamps and fighting against a minimum wage increase benefits ethnic minorities and poor Americans.

Kinks: Female ejaculation. No, really. He’s thirsty.

Bobby Jindal

In 2008, Jindal became the first Indian-American Governor, which should remind everyone who is reading this exactly how much our political system lacks diversity and proper representation. The young Louisiana Governor is really boring has not yet been embroiled in any type of media scandal, although he still has plenty of time.

Worst thing ever said in bed: "Is it me your looking for?"

Kinks: Asking you to call him by his first name, Piyush.

Chris Christie

Chris Christie is from New Jersey. That’s all that really matters. Why? It means that he has no filter, is too proud to be anything but transparent, and will absolutely never appeal to anyone other than blue collar Americans who agree that he looks cuddly, albeit perpetually kinda sweaty.

Worst thing ever said in bed: "You know, something might go down tonight, but it ain’t gonna be jobs, sweetheart."

Kinks: Him on top.

Ted Cruz

Senator Cruz was formally educated at Harvard and Princeton, and while he is often noted as a gifted orator, his voice reminds one of Groucho Marx. More importantly, he once served as a Domestic Policy Advisor to Bush Jr.

Worst thing ever said in bed: "We’re facing an assault on traditional marriage."

Kinks: Praying, non-filibustering for 21 hours.

Donald Trump

The business tycoon and media spectacle shits out more bigoted hate-speech than a Neo-nazi with Tourettes, and yet American loves to hate him. For some reason his mouth looks like a butthole with teeth, so I shudder to wonder what his butthole looks like.

Worst thing ever said in bed

1: "My daughter has a good figure. If she wasn’t my daughter, I’d probably be dating her."
2: Part of the problem I’ve had with women has been in having to compare them to my incredible mother."
3: I just keep whining and whining until I win."

Kinks: He doesn’t actually have sex, he just jerks off into the mirror, standing on a podium, while a tripod records it and plays it over big screen television with a two second delay.

Jeb Bush

PLEASE NOT ANOTHER BUSH

Worst thing ever said in bed: "Immigrants are more fertile."

Kinks: He wants you to call him "Daddy." As in, he wishes he were his father.

RickPerry

The longest serving Governor in Texas has yet again placed his bid, and yet one must wonder how in the hell we keep getting so many presidents from Texas.

Worst thing ever said in bed: "The louder they scream, the more we know we are getting something done."

Kinks: Talking about guns, hot dogs, and the death penalty.

Democrats

Bernie Sanders

Bernie is more of an Independent, but nearer to the donkey party. He is currently the sitting junior Senator of Vermont. There isn’t much to do in Vermont, the 600,000 population encourages lots of reading, pot-smoking, and gay-marrying. So THAT’S why he’s so intelligent and ethical!

Worst thing ever said in bed: "People should not underestimate me."

Kinks: He loves it when someone combs his hair.

Hillary Clinton

She has been planning her presidential run since before she was burning her bra. The former First Lady, and Secretary of State is the most likely front-runner for the Democrats, which is a shame because she’s quite the epitome of Tumblr white feminism. If she wants to gain intersectional support, she had better stop criminalizing them so often.

Worst thing ever said in bed: "Who is going to find out? These women are trash, nobody’s going to believe them."