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Since "Today in Wedding History" not only has come up dry in recent days, but has nothing better to anticipate than an anniversary of one of the Moonies' Mass Weddings (the look-up is hilarious, if you have nothing better to do), we bring you:

Some might object that a wedding in space would be far too expensive, but anyone who watches "Platinum Weddings" on TV knows that there is really no such thing. It is a certainty that the future will bring us many of them.

For those in a rush to get to the altar, there are particularly tempting close passes of asteroids coming on Oct. 30, Nov. 30, and Nov. 23, 2010. The pass of Asteroid 2003UV11 will offer the best viewing, by telescope, for the many and the jealous who will NOT be on the guest list. It is the largest at 595 m (plenty of room for the pavilion) and the closest at 5 Lunar Distances (the orbital mean diameter, of course).

It has been widely speculated among futurists and science-fiction writers that honeymoons in near-zero gravity will offer refinements which are imagined to be an improvement on ordinary honeymoon accommodations. It is not known how long it will be until "Honeymooners--- Do Not Disturb" signs (and discreet Room Service) will be available.

However, it is a growth industry for sure, and investors are already being sought.

As for piano accompaniment in zero G, yes, there are acknowledged problems as terrestrial grand pianos do require a gravity field; design modifications have not been announced as of this writing. There may be difficulties, as well, for a performer who is wearing a space suit and insulated gloves.

Some have even scoffed at the idea of the happy couple wearing spacesuits. One especially snide remark likened a bride, with gown and veil over a vacuum suit, to a resemblance to a dancing bear. However, spacesuits of this future time are expected to be considerably streamlined over current production models.

I've been reading Mary Roach's "Packing For Mars: The Curious Science of Life in the Void," which is an absolutely entertaining and educational look at the complicated issues of space travel, which would of course include space weddings. One little-publicized fact is that the large majority of astronauts suffer considerable nausea and vomiting for the first couple of days of a trip. That is allegedly why NASA would rarely show much footage from the shuttles on the first day or two.

This could pose a significant obstacle for space weddings: "Do you, John, take Britney to be your--oops, SPLUUURRRRT--lawful wedded wife?" "I--BAAAARRRRFFFF--do." Normally one doesn't see substantial amounts of vomit until late in the reception.

August 28, 1996- His Royal Highness Charles, Prince of Wales and Her Royal Highness Diana, Princess of Wales are granted a divorce. He complained she was hogging all the publicity; she complained that Camilla had created a traffic jam in the bedroom.

It was reported in the tabloid press that Queen Elizabeth had complaints of her own.

Pickings are slim for wedding history factoids this month, if we have to turn to famous divorces for factoid fodder. You would think, as many times as Elizabeth Taylor has been married, that we would have some anniversaries...

Now that Zsa Zsa Gabor is back in the news--- in failing health, unfortunately, but she's had a good, long run at age 93--- I had occasion to do the look-up.

Did you know...... that Zsa Zsa has been married nine times?... and divorced seven times?... that one of her marriages lasted less than 24 hours?... that she guest-starred on Gilligan's Island?... that President John F. Kennedy had a pet rabbit named Zsa Zsa?... that there is also a Zsa Zsa Padilla?

Nine marriages--- obviously, "Let's Talk Weddings" owes her a lot. Not that they were ever in a race, but her total of nine marriages does beat Elizabeth Taylor's (comparatively paltry) seven. However, they have both been divorced an equal number of times.

August: the month when June brides are receiving the Second Notice on their credit card bills, and are keeping a low profile. We wondered why it was so quiet; it's either that, or they're watching for asteroids.

Did you know...

..."The only reported fatality from meteorite impacts is an Egyptian dog that was killed in 1911 by the Nakhla meteorite, although this report is disputed? The meteorites that struck this area were identified in the 1980s as Martian in origin?"

..."The first known modern case of a human hit by a space rock occurred on November 30, 1954, in Sylacauga, Alabama. There an 8.8 pound stone chondrite crashed through a roof and hit Ann Hodges in her living room after it bounced off her radio? She was badly bruised?" **see note**

..."The Peekskill meteorite broke up over the United States on October 9, 1992, an event witnessed by thousands across the East Coast? The meteorite broke up over Kentucky and damaged a parked Chevrolet Malibu in Peekskill, New York on impact? Major cities like Pittsburgh witnessed the bright meteorite? The meteorite traveled northeast and had a pronounced greenish color? The meteorite has been captured on 16 different videos and remains as one of the most famous meteorite sightings?"

... and not only that--- the young lady whose Chevy was flattened, not a rich woman, viewed the event as a misfortune, and sold off the car for scrap to a wrecker? She did not know that there is a very hot niche market for such artifacts, and the car was tracked down and pieces were sold off for very high prices to collectors? She was even the subject of a show on the Discovery channel, and now has an unsought personal fame, of a sort?

So, honeymooners. Take a clue: the surest way to pay off those wedding and honeymoon charge card bills, is to park your car under a meteorite strike.

August is such a lovely month for viewing the night sky... and it's so affordable.

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**Note**The Sylacauga chondrite is preserved at the Museum of Natural History at the University of Alabama, in Tuscaloosa, where I have seen it with my own eyes. It is somewhat out of the way, up on the gallery on the fourth floor.

Mrs. Hodges is not in the museum. Neither is her radio, which could have been sold for big money (and may have been, though I suspect it was carelessly discarded as broken and no good).

September 1, 1653: The baptism of Johann Pachelbel was recorded in Nuremburg, Germany. Composer of the Canon in D (well-known to all wedding musicians), Pachelbel died in 1706, at the age of 52.

Neither his exact date of birth, nor his death, is known.

Johann Pachelbel tutored Johann Christoph Bach, the older brother of Johann Sebastian Bach, in music. He provided music (with other composers) at J. C. Bach's wedding on October 23, 1694, and may have met the young Johann Sebastian Bach, then aged nine, at that fete.

Canon in D was relatively neglected until an upsurge in its popularity, in the 1970's, as wedding music; its accompanying gigue in the same key still suffers obscurity. Pachelbel also wrote organ chorales, fantasias, fugues, chaconnes, harpsichord suites, aria and variations, toccatas, preludes, and other chamber music. Canon in D was originally scored for three violins and basso continuo.

i played a wedding yesterday at my small old church in the downtown city market. I heard the bride mention that she chose the church because of the aqua and tangerine painted color scheme accents matched her colors.

she was quite difficult. I had gone early to open the church - (the secretary/manager was on vacation). It was a comfortable 74 inside the church, but the bride wanted it cooler so she wouldn't sweat. I am 'new', and tho adept at controls, had no idea how to turn the air-conditioning down. She went off.

i was able to calm her down.. gave her a piece of gum and told her I'd make a few calls. I couldn't get a hold of anyone who knew about the air-conditioning. there was a visiting priest, the whole service was imported. She told me she wasn't going to pay me unless it was cooler. I told her she had already paid me and started to get angry. I told her that everyone was depending on her to provide a good wedding and she was freaking rather than being in control.

she settled down and everything went smoothly.

she was REALLY cute and used to getting her way. After the ceremony she wanted to exchange email addresses so we could keep in touch and gave me a big hug. I didn't tell her we had been corresponding by email for 3 months.

here is a pic of the church built by Italian immigrants in 1896.

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accompanist/organist.. a non-MTNA teacher to a few

Apple, this is a classic wedding story. I'm glad you didn't lose your cool (so to speak). I particularly like the exchange of email addresses at the end of the event.

No weddings for me in the last two weeks, but I have one coming up this weekend. It has the makings of a disaster if you ask me, mainly because my appearance at the wedding dinner involves the best man SNEAKING me into the villa while the bride is drinking champagne in the lobby.

The bride is a fan of my music and really wanted me to play at her wedding, but, alas, there's no piano at the villa. So, as a surprise to the bride, the groom rented a Steinway and will have it hidden in the dining room. When the guests finish cocktails, they will be called into dinner, with the bride leading the way. I'm supposed to be playing as she walks into the dining room. After everyone is settled, the groom will say something, and then I'm supposed to play a 20 minute concert.

I have visions of me crawling through a window to get into that dining room, with the best man hoisting me from behind. And another thing: I had minor surgery this week to remove some funky skin lesions in three different places, and I have a bunch of stitches. My husband says I look like a stabbing victim. I'm considering wearing a Burqa with bling instead of an evening gown.

Wish me luck!

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Robin Meloy Goldsbywww.goldsby.deAuthor of PIANO GIRL: A MemoirRHYTHM: A Novel RMG is a Steinway Artist

I hope the piano will come through the front door, HOURS before the guests arrive. The bride has been informed by the maid of honor that the dining room has been decorated with a unique theme, and she's not allowed to see it ahead of time.

My husband is now suggesting I don a Carol Burnett maid outfit and work my way through the crowd with a bucket and mop in hand.

The other thing I just thought of? I won't be able to warm up or check out the piano before the concert. Oy. I'm telling you, this gig has the makings of a train wreck.

Now, that is as frightening as an electric eel in the bathtub... yet, it has the ring of probability.

But I loved your story, Apple. It has an air of grace and refinement which I would have had trouble equaling. Trouble--- who am I kidding--- we would have both been put on the sidewalk after a screaming cuss fight, right in the sanctuary. I am not one who usually features that Biblical wisdom: "A dry witticism turneth away wrath." Not when directly threatened over the thermostat setting.

If only the Bible said, "A snide remark turneth away ye bullying bride." Well. It doesn't, and it wouldn't; that milk is already spilled, and crying will not put it back in the cow.

And "Today in Wedding History:"September 9, 1839: John Herschel takes the first wedding photograph on a glass plate.

There had been previous photographs--- too crude for wedding work--- so this was an important step, and the glass-plate method was in use until well after the Civil War... actually, for around seventy years. Then they invented film.

Flash forward, to the invention of television; forward, to the time of Judge Judy; somewhere around the year 2000. The plaintiff, a bride, is suing the wedding photographer over photos she considers unflattering. She disparages their quality in her very lengthy complaint. She scoffs at the signed contract, and refuses to pay the balance due even though the photos are in her hands.

Judge Judy shrugs (she has had five weddings of her own, two of them to the same husband). She eyes the bride. She examines the photos. She shrugs, and astringently advises the bride to have a look a mirror before claiming the photographs are a poor likeness.

I think the outcome is clear enough. The contract has been fulfilled. Judgment for the defendant; damages according to the cross-complaint. The bride argues with the judge...

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For some reason, NASA has not so far replied to my letter, the one asking about the music which accompanied history's first wedding, with an astronaut in low earth orbit.

I hope they will get around to answering this very interesting question.

I wish I had been taking photos of all my brides over the years. Candid shots, taken from the piano. Can you imagine the collection I'd have? Judge Judy would have a field day.

I wish I could tell you that last night's surprise gig was as whacky as I imagined it would be, but it was really quite lovely. The piano was a Yamaha C7 (supposed to have been a Steinway, but the local dealer didn't have one), and I didn't have to climb through the window because the weather improved right before I arrived and the bride was outside having her photo taken.

When dinner was announced the dining room doors were opened and I began playing the beginning notes of First Snow (I know, weird choice, but it was the bride's favorite song). She came through the doors and I'm telling you, she was so happy that tears squirted from her eyes. Projectile crying. This of course made me cry, the groom cry, and the (very drunk) best man cry. I finished the song, the groom announced that my music was to be his wedding gift to the bride and that everyone should sit down so I could play a twenty minute concert for her. I had a blast, cause I didn't plan anything in advance and pretty much improvised for the entire concert, without breaks. FUN FUN FUN!!!! The soup course was being served just as I was leaving.

I wish I could play a gig like this every week. I wish all brides loved music as much as last night's bride. Sometimes being a pianist is the best thing in the world.

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Robin Meloy Goldsbywww.goldsby.deAuthor of PIANO GIRL: A MemoirRHYTHM: A Novel RMG is a Steinway Artist

What a great story, Robin. That groom sounds like a keeper, for sure. And my hat's off to you and all the other performers who can sit down and improvise a concert with no preparation! Yikes!

Jeff, your story of the wedding photographer made me remember my own wedding, many years ago. The photographer took what seemed like a gazillion shots of me alone, hubby alone, the two of us together, and just about every permutation of us standing with various family members and in-laws. Weeks after the ceremony when she sent us the proofs, I was surprised to see that there was a much smaller number of shots of me alone compared to hubby et al, and certainly MUCH fewer than I remembered standing around for. It finally occurred to me that the photographer--bless her heart--had undertaken a prescreening of the shots and held back any unflattering shots of me with eyes closed, stomach not held in, etc. And apparently there was a large number of such shots, but I'm just as happy to go the rest of my life without having seen them.

I attended the wedding of a friend on Sunday. I have come to the conclusion that playing a three hour wedding gig is MUCH easier than attending one of these eight hour social marathons. I found myself longing for a piano, a corner, and an escape from the festivities.

Also, when you play the gig you don't have to bring a present.

There were no weddings booked at the castle on September 11---the only Saturday in recent memory that was was nuptial-free and rightfully so.

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Robin Meloy Goldsbywww.goldsby.deAuthor of PIANO GIRL: A MemoirRHYTHM: A Novel RMG is a Steinway Artist

Good news. I write lyrics for an amazing Brazilian jazz singer named Joyce Moreno. A prolific writer, and excellent guitarist, she is often called the Joni Mitchell of Brazil. She's in her sixties and sings with one of those effortless Brazilian voices that makes everyone go AHHHHH. She writes her own lyrics in Portuguese but asked me several years ago to write two original English lyrics for her, for her newest album, which is called Slow Music.

Guess what? "Slow Music" one of the five nominees for a Latin Grammy (!) in the Best Brazilian Album category. My lyrics are on two tracks---the title track "Slow Music," and "Convince me" (below) which I wrote when I was in the middle of a crazy wedding season a while back. Rest of the CD is in Portuguese.

So here you go. Maybe this will become a new wedding favorite, for those marrying in Bahia.

Love is inconvenient;It’s a scene I should avoid,I’ve been trampled down by romance,I’ve been hurt; I’ve been annoyed,Please give me a reason to jump back into the void,Convince me I should fall in love with you.

Passion’s a distraction,Worth a fraction of the cost,Just because there’s an attraction,Doesn’t mean the stars are crossed,Look into my eyes before my common sense is lost,Convince me I should fall in love with you.

Love is too quixotic,An erotic treasure chest,Perhaps I should leave town,And give my heart a needed rest,Or I could simply kiss you,Put my judgment to the test,Convince me I should fall in love with you.Convince me I should fall in love with you . . .

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Robin Meloy Goldsbywww.goldsby.deAuthor of PIANO GIRL: A MemoirRHYTHM: A Novel RMG is a Steinway Artist

Oh, that song sure resonates with this middle-aged woman's heart who didn't find (and marry) her hubby until her 30s and after a long string of disappointing relationships... Thanks, Robin! I'll be rooting for the album to win the Grammy.

Hmm... like a Tom Waites lyric with a high-dose estrogen drip. But that's ok, I like Tom Waites, and you certainly deserve the recognition. All that alliteration will come across in the song, even if the listeners don't understand English. There's your international cachet.

Brazil--- not so shabby, either; long the home of some of music's finest. Congratulations on the nomination. Have you picked out what you're going to wear to the awards? No? Still thinking it over, then.

The awards ceremony is in (of all p[laces) Las Vegas in November. I'm just the lowly writer, not the nominated artist, so I doubt I'll be attending. Plus it's right in the middle of my busy holiday season. Besides, I looked at a video of last year's awards, and trust me, I have NOTHING to wear that's snazzy enough for the Latin Grammy Awards. Sequins! Fringe! Ruffles! Plunging necklines! I'd look like a nun in one of my castle outfits.

I went to Brazil on my honeymoon. Only spent two weeks and I've been trying to get back there ever since. I guess this recording is a way of doing that, even if it's just in my mind.

BTW. just heard that the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas is closing. Now there's a reason to get there fast! What a character. My mom once met him at a charity ball. He was wearing an ermine cape.

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Robin Meloy Goldsbywww.goldsby.deAuthor of PIANO GIRL: A MemoirRHYTHM: A Novel RMG is a Steinway Artist

Besides, nuns don't get themselves up like they used to (I used to live next-door to a real one)... though I suppose that attire for the Latin Grammy awards does rise to a different standard.

Interestingly, when I think of Brazilian fashion wear, I think of those beautiful prints, and the sophisticated and flattering drama of cut. My thinking may be somewhat outdated, I admit. But if you want to talk about outdated, let's talk ermine capes--- can you imagine the fuss PETA would make.

I suppose the announced closing of the Liberace museum might motivate me to fire up the retro-rockets and escape from the gravity well. Since I tore up my knee I haven't done much of that sort of thing, but such fall color as California has, exists in the transmontane river valleys across the Sierra scarp. I've meant to go at just this time of year for a long time. And, the oldest living thing on earth is right on the way--- I could drop in. You're probably thinking I mean the Bristlecone Pine stands in the White Mountains (and I do), but even older are the more humble Creosote Bush rings which have survived as individual, genetically-identical plants for over 10,000 years.

An acquired taste--- I admit it. Not much to look at, many would say.

But then... dragging across two very large Western states to visit a shabby strip-mall on the backside of Las Vegas (an acquired taste of its own)... and then back. Oh, I don't know.

I could picture a museum of Las Vegas memorabilia being a big attraction--- showgirl's outfits, gangsters, the various acts and venues that have come and gone, videos of the blowing up of some of the big hotels to make way for even bigger ones, the photos of people watching the test-firing of nuclear bombs which were visible from Las Vegas, the building of the big dam across the Colorado. Lots of material there. Why, slot machines and gambling devices could have a wing of their own. That junkyard that has all the big electric signs which have been replaced--- that has considerable impact, all by itself.

Ok, so I've strayed from the subject of weddings (although it's quite an industry in Las Vegas). Every bolt is not going to hit the bulls-eye.

On the whole, if I were going to make a trans-atlantic flight to attend an awards ceremony, I'd probably rather go to Rio.