The Heartbreaking Truth Behind Mitt Romney’s “Every Town Counts” Tour

Mitt Romney’s new cross-country voter meet-and-greet tour is called “Every Town Counts.” Specifically, towns in New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Wisconsin, Iowa, and Michigan countmore, as those are the states Romney will actually be visiting. Or, provocative alternate theory: Every Town is the name of a place that Romney really likes and is having trouble finding.

We can see it now: he’ll travel throughout the country in search of Every Town, like Mormon Odysseus in search of a vanilla-pudding Ithaca. “Which way’s the way to Every Town?” he’ll ask confounded passersby, who’ll shake their heads slowly and shrug their shoulders. Fruitlessly, he’ll wrack his brain database for Every Town coordinates, only to come up with naught.

When asked by a friendly paper shredder and its wife, a juicer, what’s so special about Every Town anyway, Romney will simply say, “It’s a place where there are no right or wrong answers—only value-neutral problems. There is no ‘socializing’ or ‘small talk’ or ‘human connection.’ No food to pretend to consume, no sports in which to feign interest, just numbers. Also the trees are the right height.”