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The Communion of the Human Lasagna

Love & Sex 2013

I.A sexual encounter that doesn’t involve penetration is often overlooked and underappreciated. But then again, most people haven’t heard of The Communion of the Human Lasagna.

II.Firstly, you must invite at least three, but no more than six of your neighbors over for a “dinner party.” Tell each of them to bring 3-6 bottles of wine. If one of your neighbors seems offended by such a request, hang up the phone immediately and call someone else. This is a natural and organic way to weed out unwanted Lasagna candidates. Now, before any of the guests arrive, all of the artificial lights in your house must be turned off. Make a line of lit candles leading into the kitchen. Place one candle on each corner of your kitchen table, so that you have no more and no less than four lit candles total.

III.Once a communion starts, it cannot be paused. This is why it is imperative that all of your guests arrive at the same time. Tell them to show up at 7:30 pm and not a minute later. Of course, it is human nature to be late, so expect some of your guests to arrive earlier or later than others. If this happens, don’t fret. Tell the ones waiting outside to open one of their bottles of wine. Leave a corkscrew outside on the doormat for their convenience. If your guests seem put off by such a gesture and they wind up leaving, it’s all for the better. They were not worthy candidates for the Communion.

IV.Now, once all of your guests are waiting outside your door, with wine bottles in hand—this is the point at which you play the song “The Creator has a Master Plan,” by Pharaoh Sanders. This doesn’t mean you should play something slow and moody by Miles Davis or Chet Baker. No. You must play Pharaoh Sanders. This song is designed to properly align your guests’ sexual chakras.

V.When you open the door, don’t give your guests too much time to react. Simply usher them in with the facial expression of the loving sloth, and repeat three times in a low but commanding whisper: come in, come in, come in. For those who turn around and leave, it is unfortunate but to be expected. For those who enter, you now know who is ready for a true Lasagna Communion. Once the remaining guests have walked into your home, close the door slowly but with purpose—and, if you feel it necessary, lock the door. Position yourself so that you are in front of your guests, and walk backward as you guide them into the kitchen. Once you’ve entered the kitchen, take note of any guest who looks uncomfortable. Recommend in a calm and soothing tone that they consume as much alcohol as they need to get comfortable.

VI.We have now reached the climax of the ritual. Walk over to the oven; remove the six-pound lasagna you purchased from Whole Foods. Place the lasagna on the kitchen table and remove your robe, revealing the glory of your pre-oiled flesh. Now, get up on the table and lie down on your back, all the while maintaining firm eye contact with your guests. Wait 5-8 minutes for the lasagna to cool and then calmly place it on your groin (also known as the lower lingam). Let out a mid-range giggle and annunciate slowly and clearly: Eat my friends, eat. This is The Communion of the Human Lasagna.