Tag: television

It has been rumored that Baron Trump might be the AntiChrist. As Ryback Solomon reports, “His very soul sold to the Devil in an auction at the Waffle House. God knows we need superhuman powers to overcome the massive deficits that face us, so selling your soul to the Devil for a clean balance sheet makes perfect sense in this economy. . . and, I might add, this country as we know it will also expire in a sea of red ink worthy of the Lake of Fire.” Press secretary spokesdemons have so far offered no comment. However, interior decorators for the White House report an order for a black velvet rug for the Oval Office with a large red pentagram in the center. In other McNews, the False Profit is about to be revealed as Joel Osteen, who won the post over National Nuke’em News TSAR candidate Anthony Robbins (who has been too busy with the Anthony Action Figures launch at Toys R Us to devote much time to his campaign.) At his acceptance speech, Osteen summarized his qualifications for the job by saying, “I have the biggest church in America, and a huge TV audience, and one of the top selling books of all time. Just look at me, up here on this massive stage. Look at my hair. Look at my suit. Look at the giant golden globe turning behind me. Am I not charismatic? Am I not beautiful? Am I not the perfect candidate for the job?” Baron’s barber concurred by claiming to have seen three sixes on Baron’s scalp, although he later retracted the statement, saying, “they could have been three nines, and part of a series, perhaps a numbered Swiss account?”

Forget the game show The Wall. A Manhattan-sized mass of garbage slowly approaching California does indeed house over 8000 refugees in the newly discovered central “city” amid the muck. The origin of the residents of Trashville is unknown at this point, but NASA satellite imaging seems to indicate the Philippines, (although–inextricably–there are also many North Koreans mingled with them, while Flat Earthers say the images are CGI and the natives are from Lost Atlantis.) The city itself has already elected a mayor and a city council, who are dealing with complaints regarding sewage treatment and electrical power outages. The city’s generator has proven insufficient in providing service to resident Direct TV subscribers, who are also complaining about the quality of shows like Lifestyles of the Bitch and the Ignoramus. Mayor Pencho Sing talked to our own Ryback Solomon today via satellite phone, and what follows is the transcript of that conversation. . .

RS) Sir, can you hear me now?

PS) Oh yes, I learn English. I takee correspondence course.

RS) How did you get there, and what are your in-tensions?

PS) We shuttle by Russian sub. We pay captain two hundred yuan each, or Olympics memorabilia. We demand be American. We go Kalifornia.

RS) How did you know the garbage was headed this way?

PS) I no understand question.

RS) What are you eating?

PS) We have many working refrigerator. Hungry Man dinner. We cook microwave.

RS) The Russians gave you the generator?

PS) Oh yes, Putin very kind. We told record what we find to Wookieleaks.

RS) This is simply amazing, sir. Can you tell us, who knew you were going to attempt this besides the Russians and Directv?

PS) Three hots and cot. Just kiddie you. We want America dream. We want be famous and rich. We go America Got Talent. Howie love us.

RS) All eight thousand of you?

PS) We prepare many act. We drink much Beyonce Pepsi. We get money for no thing and Swift for free.

RS) I see. And who cleans up all the mess?

PS) No understand question. ..

Well, there you have it, folks. Mr. Sing will be strumming your heartstrings, soon. . . along with the 7999 other residents of Trashville. Could be a hit, unless it’s a miss. . . in which case they intend to declare the flotilla the 51st state and get delegates into Washington to work on pork barrel projects like a sanitation plant and a saltwater reclamation initiative. Already several dream team lawyers have offered their services on a percentage basis, and a campaign advisor hired on retainer. If the new state DRIFTOPIA is born from all this, we will be watching closely for how it all plays out in the next electoral college. Happy Daze are here again!