How Not To Give A Presentation

I went to a presentation today and it was really good. Why you may ask? This is why.

1. Each powerpoint slide had 15 bullet points in size 10 font. I enjoy the headaches and migraines associated with eye strain and it didn’t distract me at all from what the slide was actually trying to say.

2. The back of the presenter’s head was pretty and she had a great butt too! When I listen to a person giving a speech or a presentation, I would rather they face their slides and continue talking to the screen. This allows me to really stay focussed on what is being said and creates a positive energy in what they’re saying.

3. The way the presenter mumbled, muttered and quietly spoke was a real attention grabber for me. Doing this conveyed a sense of presence, confidence and credibility. They also spoke in a monotonous way which prevented me from falling into a terminal coma.

4. When the slide show wasn’t up and ready and the presenter had to duck out at the start to grab their notes, it gave me a really good impression of what kind of presentation I was about to see. This level of organisation shows they’re serious about what information they have to give.

5. When the presenter was flipping through notes, pausing for long periods and reading off the slides, it gave me the feeling that they really knew what they’re talking about. It conveyed to me that the presenter was an authority in the subject and it didn’t at all make me think that I’m about to waste an hour of my life.

6. The presenter would often dive into highly technical matters even though the whole audience was not from technical departments. This showed that she thought about who she was presenting to and obviously made it particularly interesting and useful for all of us.

7. The body language of the presenter made me want to tie that person to a chair. The rocking back and forth, walking from side to side for seemingly no reason was entertaining. That’s all a good thing because I had some hilarious day dreams about how funny it would be to put them in a straight jacket and make them present like that. I can’t remember what she was talking about at the time, but I do know that I’m gonna pretend my day dream happened instead of what actually happened.

8. The slide show had more things happening in it then a Bruce Willis 10 car and truck crash scene. I think its great how every one of the 10 multicoloured points on each slide, flew onto the page whilst spinning and expanding with crashing sound effects. I can’t remember a single thing that the slides were saying but it could have been turned into a hollywood blockbuster movie.

9. When the software demonstration part started, nothing worked and it we had to skip past that point. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated that this happened because I didn’t have any pressing work at all that I should be doing, so I’m glad I spent my time watching something not work.

10. There’s nothing I enjoy more in a presentation than plenty of ‘umms’, ‘argghs’ and swearing. Again, only the most articulate, organised and knowledgeable presenters use such colorful, audience-appropriate and meaningful language.