Tom Chivers is the Telegraph's assistant comment editor. He writes mainly on science. Not a poet - that's the other Tom Chivers. Read older posts by Tom here.

A Banned Words List for our commenters

We here at the Telegraph, we happy few, we band of brothers, have a thing which we call the "style guide". It prescribes the words which we are and are not allowed to use in our efforts to provide you, the reader, with the information you require to go about your daily lives.

Within that style guide is a section called "banned words". Among them are such dull clichés as "dog-whistle politics", "fighting for his life", or "breathtaking".

EUSSR: yes, yes. We get it. You don't like the European Union, and there are plenty of perfectly acceptable reasons for that. But pretending it's like Stalin's Russia is beyond sillyZaNuLieBore: Come on. You are TRYING TOO HARDConDemNation: Funny for half an hour in May 2010Ed Millipede: "Miliband" sounds a bit like "millipede", it's true, but is a millipede a particularly bad animal for a politician to be? I quite like millipedes. There doesn't seem to be a joke beyond the fact that they sound a bit similarGordon Broon: Don't you see? He's SCOTTISH! It's comedy gold!David Camoron: A bit better than Ed Millipede but still, this is not a joke with much mileageLib Dims: See aboveHarridan Harperson/Harriet Hardman etc: and againRethuglicans, Dumbocrats: And again, for our transatlantic visitorsSaddam Hussein Obama: You see my pointdidn't read past [a point in the post]: Your opinion is therefore invalid, my semi-literate friendnever heard of [recently deceased subject of post]: And you are parading your ignorance why, precisely?did you get paid for this so-called "journalism"?: Yesbut of course you can't say that these days: You JUST DID, pal. You JUST DIDthis used to be a free country: I know, it's dreadful, you can't even write racist abuse in excrement on someone's car these days without the politically correct brigade jumping down your throatFrankfurt School/Agenda 21/Common Purpose: I literally don't know what any of these things are [update: parading my own ignorance there. Hoist by my own petard. Apologies]sheeple: see ConDemNation, but change date to 1997eco-Nazis, eco-fascists, PC Nazis:Godwin!they were the National SOCIALISTS for a reason: Yup. And the Democratic People's Republic of Korea is a democracyfacist/rascist: I can see where you've got confused, here, but still, learn to spelltroll: This has a specific meaning – someone who is deliberately trying to offend or aggravate. Not just someone who disagrees

That's just a start, of course. You may want to add some more (I imagine some wits will want to include the word "Islam" on it, in the spirit of satire, and I look forward to seeing it). Or you may want to tell me to shove this list where the sun etc. But try to do it without using any of the above words.

• UPDATE: I can't BELIEVE I forgot "Why are you writing about [what you want to write about] when you should be writing about [what I want you to write about], which is usually Rochdale or Bilderberg?"