Friday, May 21, 2010

So the only used book store I found on my island with a buy/sell/trade policy is this joint called Bookoff Hawaii. They have two convenient locations in Oahu's two biggest malls. I'm looking to trade off some old Alex Cross, Jack Reacher, Star Wars and misc novels for some new Alex Cross, Jack Reacher and Eve Dallas novels, so I took a stack over there today.Nine books in great condition, two of which were purchased brand new only two weeks ago, and they only offered me $1.60 for them.Nine books, a dollar sixty.So they can turn around and sell them for 5 bucks apiece.

I told Bookoff to Fuckoff.

If I'm gonna give my shit away, I'll donate my books to my local library in Waipahu, because I know for certain they will not turn around and mark them up 450% from what they paid for them.

So that's the plan, I will become great friends with my local library and donate my new books, fresh off Border's shelf and read only once, and feel great about the transaction despite getting nothing in return.Imagine- giving stuff away for nothing in return and feeling good about it. Libraries are cool.

Tonoose, envoy to the Blind Dead says, "Reading books is a concept that is both barren and foreign to me. Of course, I am blind, which explains why quite clearly. It also explains why I don't care too much for movies, TV or the Internet. Why I hate radio still baffles me."

No food, no men, NO CLOTHES. What a tagline, eh? Well, it served its purpose in my case, offering two tantalizing things; a parody of something I absolutely hate (reality TV), and beautiful, naked women. In a testament to how lame I am, I learned that I expected too much from something that offered so little; Penthouse pets on an island. To my chagrin, I found that I've become so "mature," that a film needs more than just t*ts on a beach to hold my interest. How depressing.

In my defense, Bare Naked Survivor offers a veritable "who's who" from softcore porn and Penthouse pages. Softcore legends Julie K. Smith and Shauna O'Brien head the cast that includes the super-sexy Alexus Winston, Aimee Sweet (whom I adore), Aria Giovanni (who I have lusted after for about six years now) and the surprisingly butter-faced Tess Broussard, who I had never heard of before, and with good reason. Who would have thought that t*ts like those could be overshadowed by such an ugly face? Rounding out our merry cast is Lenny Juliano as Cliff Probate, the doofus in charge of the whole contest thing.

Oh yeah, there's a contest.

Our next challenge is to take off our clothes and frolic on a beach. Again.

In the retarded spirit of Survivor, the girls are supposed to do moronic tasks for points, and of course, there is voting out of the tribe, but the "plot" (HA!) is so mundane and the tasks are so idiotic that the viewer can't help but hope there is an active volcano, a giant gorilla, cannibalistic natives, malaria; something that will just kill these f**kers off. But that never happens. Instead, we are given ample titties, upon which the viewer says, "Hey look, t*ts." But they are hardly a saving grace.

This film is hardly what one might call "erotic cinema." So weak compared to other softcore films, Bare Naked Survivor barely rates the hard "R", and dangerously toes the PG-13 line. The best part is a scene where Aimee Sweet strips of her panties, graciously and mercifully showing her bush as she's engaged in conversation with Winston. Yes, conversation. About lipstick. The film's promise of lesbian scenes are reduced to some watered down, soft petting and kissing, which after so many times becomes, in a word, unsexy. Nobody thought to bring dildos to the island, I guess.Oh bother...

The only guy on an island full of women and he has to beg.

I cannot recommend this film at all. Unless you are a hopeless, infatuated fanatic of one of the girls, there's nothing here for you. To summarize, I'd like to quote Gray, where he so eloquently states, "What's the big deal? It's just a pair of t*ts."

And how, brother.

Amity Island Harbor Master Frank Silva says, "What the hell is this crap I just read? The movie was nuthin' but skin 'n' bone womans in their beach underwears. And, ye already posted this once before. Can't ye come up with somethin' new, or are ye gonna post that old one about lesbians with the mummy? You stink, Turz."