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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Strange Bedfellows

‘Why is the
trial being held here?’ I whispered. ‘I’ve never heard of The Post conference room being used as a courtroom.’

‘The judiciary
has all gone rotten,’ explained Sara. ‘So now The Post is the only place in the country that has the courage,
independence and wisdom to dispense justice.’

‘Huh,’ I
sniggered, ‘how do you know that?’

‘I read The Post editorials,’ she chuckled. ‘The
editor tells us so every day!’

‘Silence in
court!’ said the ancient judge, banging his gavel on the bench. He looked
across at the miserable little hyena standing in the dock. ‘Chimbushimbushi
III,’ he said severely, ‘you are accused of spreading grievous and mischievous
information throughout the land, thereby causing alarm and despondency amongst
law abiding citizens.’

‘Who’s the
judge?’ I whispered, ‘and why’s he wearing his wig upside down?’

‘That’s Feckless
Shamika, the Minister of Misinfomation,’ Sara replied. ‘That’s not his wig, it’s
his beard. Old goats always have scraggy white beards.’

‘Maybe he’s an
upside-down judge,’ I sniggered.

‘More
specifically,’ continued Justice Feckless Shamika, ‘you are charged that you
did misinform the nation that King Cobra intended to make the waters of the
Zambezi to flow upstream, to move Kariba Dam to Lusaka, and to force everybody
to become homosexual. What do you say?’

The hapless
Chimbwi Chimbushimbushi III now began to whimper and squeal, and pointed his
front leg at the monstrous rhinoceros who stood in the corner chained to
twenty-four policeman.

‘Who’s that?’ I
whispered to Sara.

‘That’s the
Honorable Notorious Reverend General Rotten Shikashiwa, former Minister of Misinformation,’ she replied.

‘That Rotten
Rhinoceros!’ squealed the hyena, ‘He is the one who forced me to say all those silly
things! It was all his doing! He wrote all that rubbish on a long roll of
toilet paper, then he took me to the Zany Nonsense Broadcasting Corporation and
forced me to read all his lying drivel and propaganda to the nation.’

‘Hmmm,’ said
Justice Shamika suspiciously, ‘how did he force you to read such nonsense?’

‘He locked me in
his bedroom and said he would force himself upon me if I did not do as he said.
I was stuck between a rhinoceros and a hard place.’

‘Hmmm,’ murmured
the judge, ‘I thought it was only humans who did this sort of thing. But now
these animals are starting it! Bring the rhinoceros to the dock! Let’s hear his
side of the story!’

And so the huge
rhinoceros Rotten Shikashiwa waddled to dock, but was far too big to get into
it, so he just sat on top of it, causing it to collapse.

‘Shikashiwa,’
said the judge, ‘did you use your vast ministerial weight to force this nasty
little hyena Chimbushimbushi III to tell endless and silly lies to the entire
nation.’

‘Certainly not,’
said Shikashiwa, ‘I have never seen this smelly little chimbwi in my life
before. What did you say his name is?’

‘Don’t you try
to deceive this court, Shikashiwa,’ said Justice Feckless Shamika. ‘We have
witnesses right here who saw you push Chimbushimbushi into your bedroom to show
him your equipment, and then they heard him screaming.’

‘Very strange
bedfellows,’ Sara murmured.

‘Most
unnatural,’ I agreed.

‘My Lord,’ scoffed
Shikashiwa, ‘There was nothing like that. He screamed with joy when he saw my
tin trunk full of dollars.’

‘I thought you
said you’d never seen him before.’

‘It was a dark
night, My Lord.’

‘Shikashiwa,’
said the judge slowly, ‘If you had another male in your bedroom, is that not
homosexuality?’

‘Certainly not,
My Lord. I am a rhinoceros and he is a hyena. Two animals of different species,
that’s called heterosexuality.’

‘And what about
two animals of the same species?’ asked the judge.

‘Same species!’
Shikashiwa shouted angrily. ‘Why, for sure, that is called homosexuality!
That’s forbidden!’ He waved his black book in the air. ‘That is the original
sin of Adam and Eve! It is called fornication and is forbidden in the
scriptures. This is what caused the fall of man, and has also caused over-population!’

‘Has he read the
bible?’ I wondered. ‘Perhaps he’s illiterate.’

‘Even those who
have read it,’ explained Sara, ‘they all have different opinions on what it says.’

‘This
fornication causes pregnancy, which is an abomination!’ the Mad Rhinoceros
continued shouting. ‘That’s why I ordered the arrest and conviction for
pornography of the depraved people who took photographs of such sinful
activities!’

‘Ha ha,’ cackled
Judge Shamika, ‘Now I’ve caught you! You ordered their arrest! As a minister,
you exceeded your authority! You have condemned yourself out of your own mouth!
I sentence you to ten years in jail, and also order that you repay all the
expenses of the photographer!’

No sooner had
the judge spoken than the twenty-four policeman immediately grabbed the
monstrous Shikashiwa and pulled him away to the cells.

But then, soon after
Shikashiwa had gone, one policemen came back, picked up the little goat
Shamika, and also took him kicking and screaming to the cells.

‘Good God!’ I
exclaimed. ‘What’s happening now?’

‘He’s made the
same mistake as Shikashiwa,’ laughed Sara. ‘As Minister of Misinformation, he
similarly doesn’t have the power to find anybody guilty. He has also condemned
himself out of his own mouth! They’ll find themselves in the same jail!’