lovers

She fucked me and I slept well.

Yes, she crawled in my bed with me after a couple of days of affection. She lay next to me enjoying her sleep, having her rest. And there in a presence of “maybe he’ll wake up and we’ll have a passionate three-day fuck and love fest”, I did wake up with a throbbing hurt. It seemed so proud like a blurred vision for some and sharp for others of an ever-lengthening Priapus moment. We celebrated each other. I knew her every inch, passionately in touch, smell and the vision and sounds of her writhing in ecstasy.

She had little use for my compassionate masculinity of well lived in BALLS.

She held tightly and kissed perfectly. She grasped the explosions of my innermost fuckIloveyouandyouknowitastrue.

When she isolated and separated temporarily I got busy for my day like always. It always worked in the end and at least served as a reminder about keeping on and moving forward no matter what. In good faith, it didn’t work to take anything to do with her personally. Both of us did what we thought we wanted to do almost regardless of consequences which got fewer and fewer in keeping our word to ourselves. Yes, there occurred anger and consternation. Yes, we argued at lower and lower volume. Yes, we planned better than make up sex.

I got to act like a force field around her vulnerability. Just presence and appreciation makes it work.

It generates in parts from both of us.

She came through the field with creative action enthralling everyone in various ways.

““Women were more likely to lie to make the person they were talking to feel good, while men lied most often to make themselves look better,” Feldman said.”

” “It’s tied in with self-esteem,” says University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman. “We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels.”

So possibly it boils down to self-esteem. If our self-esteem gets mostly genuine and we practice impeccability with our words, thoughts and actions we might lie a little bit less. In doing this it gets very helpful to realize while we aim for 100% honesty, the first step of this may come in remaining honest with ourselves and when we discern we have lied to ourselves, stop it at the level of belief and thought so the poison doesn’t flow well from our mouths. This means non-judgement, positive or negative. It also means we will do our best to practice feeling loving toward ourselves individually.

In my own life, this provided an opportunity to use honesty to improve my life. In work, it meant telling the truth about products and services so customers could make their decision based on facts with little embellishment. It also meant telling my friends and family the truth more consistently. Mostly I found I had to say less. I didn’t have to support anyone with false embellishments or unnecessary compliments as making someone feel better about themselves with a lie will sooner or later get discovered and my credibility with them would suffer and the relationship would weaken seriously.

I have looked at my beliefs about myself. The teachings from parents as a child served as helpful contradictions. My mother gave me statements about me being a special person with extraordinary talent and ability and my father told me I would never amount to anything unless I learned to work hard for everything and this would start with deprecating statements about my behavior. I had a lot of shame to overcome and it’s not all gone. This affords me the opportunity to work with it consistently.

A new belief which helped me had to do with first accepting I had ultimate worth on the eternal scale of value, this served me until the realization came regarding the nonexistence of self. No self, no self-esteem needed. This contradicted the pop psychology of its reverse theories. In this model, all seems connected to doing and actions which come from beliefs, thought, and feelings. Seemingly we a feedback cyclicity of thoughts producing feelings and behaviors feeding back on prevailing beliefs many of which wound up erroneous. In changing the beliefs and stopping the limiting thoughts from guiding actions I had to do less to keep myself honest. It also meant offering less up in unsolicited feedback, something which seemed to prevail in the “meetings” of the twelve-step cult I attended for a couple of decades. One of the best actions I took had to do with getting away from it and the toxicity in words spoken there, when really the only thing which worked well came from the love in unspoken support. Knowing I am loved and encouraged to love myself made me feel love for myself and others almost unconditionally.

Since moving on from there I have made beneficial and limiting decisions about my life and I dedicate myself, imperfectly, to improving beliefs, thinking, and behaviors and calling up humble, loving feelings for myself. Much of this has come in taking better care of my body and general health. Along the way I have been able to genuinely help some others, giving me more loving feelings in general.

In the ongoing set of conclusions, having a multifaceted set of perspectives helps me to less judgmental conclusions and statements. Looking at what I say based on observations before I say them – this takes a lot of mindfulness to do it effectively and I have sometimes gone to almost angry extremes to defend my stated perceptions about situations only to have to make amends for the behavior in stopping myself from doing it again and making things right in my best way possible.

Honesty it seems, ought to concern the truth and truth comes from knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt. Reporting what happened, how I thought and felt seems like about all I can do regarding this. Mostly, I strive to practice concise brevity as it gets too easy to slip into conjecture and verbose rhetoric. In the utmost sense it looks like the less I believe about anything, the better as it leaves me more open to varied interpretations and perceptions which may have more objectivity. If this seems self negating and contradictory, that will turn out a reader perspective. I tend to characterize it more as a paradox like many other things human.

When she danced in front of the stage where he played his ass off she knew he watched her.

When she kissed him and looked into his eyes the first time, He knew.

She got drunk and asked him to make drinks in a certain way and drank and poured them on herself, telling him she wanted to be owned by him-he knew then.

She said, “I am your lover, your partner, your friend, I want you to be all those things…I love you and I know you love me…” He knew.

When they fought and he held his mud when it was about his perseverance and his boundaries and she loved despite the obvious difference, he knew.

When she came to him after great difficulties, knowing he would be there and showing it-he knew.

Many things came to the surface in their interactions. It seemed like a struggle, and really it seemed more about gaining familiarity. She asked and wondered how he could know his feelings so soon it made her suspicious of him because other less mature males had professed undying love and gone down the crazy road with her, causing torment and hovering like flies over a carcass. So when he fought inside himself not to pass it up and take on others for the sake of sex, he knew. He knew because the domain he created needed her as the Empress and inspiration. She wanted to mellow herself and gain impetus to succeed and she slowed because it felt like too much too soon. After twenty years and eighteen years with the August women, starting similarly and lasting long, he knew this one had a greater fit and more intensity and certainly great heaping portions of magical sensitivity and creative verve. She took nonsense and made magical sense of it with result and forward occurrences. She had to think because he would fight off and figuratively slay her suitors like Ulysses returned home and stringing the bow. Oh they were many, like the many women who came to him and sought his company and love. So large were their hearts and full of those they loved yet expansive for this love they would experience with one another.

So with both of them their health and well-being like most with great magical export, experienced their personal trials. He exorcised her more than once, eating her demons like grilled meat and she in the offering fucked him to greater power and illuminations. He found and expanded his love through sex and orgasm-hers and his, sometimes mutual. He opened the doors of secret darkness in the female aspect, rarely experienced by a man or a woman.

In this darkness he found her accumulated synthesis of thought forms, some with great malevolence; others with power grids of energy upcharge. Her monsters came to kill him and became food of the sort that magicians take in an evocation course.

His enchantments came to the helping of others and the extirpation of parasites.

Each time she would leave from frustrations with him, she would return to profess her love…

life feels better sometimes
her eyes say
her eyes stay hidden with the I love yous
tortured by her mind
bewildered
the trust long gone
LONG forgotten,
She always remembers me,
thinks of me
wishes me there…

showing up,
turning around,
seeing me here
always
vestibule home for this face,
passions deep into her stations
again and again and again,
she looks behind her asking
where
turning around
I am here,
smiling, she knows she loves me
tells me in another place