AuthorAnthony Fitch

As a do-it-yourself divorce service, we often hear many personal stories about how relationships came to an end, specifically regarding breakup lines that men and women have fed to one another. Most of the time they’re being disingenuous, guarding the true nature of the decision to ditch one’s boyfriend/girlfriend or file for divorce. From the plethora of options, we’ve culled together our six least favorite, most cowardly breakup lines that you’re likely to hear in a relationship. They are:

6. “It’s not you; it’s me.”

A Seinfeld classic, uttered by the weaselly George Costanza, this one sounds equally awful when coming from the mouth of a real person. What they really mean: “It is you. You annoy me, but I’m too afraid to say that to your face.”

5. “You deserve the best, and I can’t give you that.”

This one has been used so much over the years, it’s hard to tell who coined the phrase. What the person saying this really means: “You expect too much, but I don’t like confrontation, and I’m afraid if I tell you that, you’ll convince me to stay.”

4. “You’re too good for me.”

This indicates exhaustion and/or boredom with the relationship. The breaker-upper is really trying to say, “This would be so much easier on me if you would break up first; that way I won’t feel so guilty.”

3. “I am going through some things right now.”

If you hear this, don’t buy it for a minute. What he’s trying to say is, “I like someone else, and to tell you the truth, I’m tired of you.”

2. “I love you, but I just can’t be with you.”

This is cowardly because it continues to dangle the proverbial carrot in front of the broken-hearted. You think, “Well, if they still love me, then maybe there’s hope, if only I can change a few things.” There’s no hope. It’s over; they just don’t want to tell you they’ve been (or would like to be) seeing someone else.

1. “I hope we can still be friends.”

Baloney! They don’t want to be friends. They just want a clean break without the guilt that comes with knowing they hurt you.

Whether you’re here because you’re just now going through a DIY divorce, or you found us on Google, what are some of the worst, most cowardly breakup lines that you’ve ever heard?

Do-it-yourself divorce can be a hard road to hold if you’re just starting out. You have so much emotion involved even making the decision to file, that your head can get a little cloudy when it comes to your next move. While we understand where you’re coming from and work hard to bring you some helpful tips and advice several times each week, we know we can’t provide all of the support you may need, all the time. That’s why we’ve put together our selection of the five best books for starting your DIY divorce journey. All of these are currently available from amazon.com. Here goes!

5. Divorce: Think Financially, Not Emotionally

This book by Jeffrey A. Landers currently holds a 5-star rating on Amazon, and seeks to help women secure their financial futures before, during, and after the divorce. Landers is a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA), and he helps women divide their stress from their finances so they can approach the divorce in a way that will best help their finances. Available in Paperback or on Kindle.

4. Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened To You

While Susan J. Elliott’s book wasn’t around when I decided to file for divorce, I sure could have used it! It contains some great tips for changing your outlook and seeing the positives in a much quicker manner than simply stumbling through your recovery. Paperback and Kindle editions available.

3. Divorce & Splitting Up: Advice From A Top Divorce Lawyer

It isn’t every day that you can get some advice from a genuine lawyer for 99 cents, but if you have a Kindle, then author Marilyn Stowe is here to help. Stowe is ITV This Morning’s resident legal expert, and though her specific legal advice pertains to the UK, where she practices, there are several concepts in this book that are universal. Plus, you can’t beat that price!

2. Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies For Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce

JoAnne Pedro-Carroll penned this guide to helping your children deal with the event that will probably have the most impact on their lives. If your kids are your world, then you definitely don’t want to be the reason for the problems in their lives. You owe it to them and to yourself to read this invaluable advice from a highly respected psychologist, researcher, and developer of programs for children. Also available in Paperback and on the Kindle platform.

1. The Divorce Organizer & Planner

While you can no longer take this guide as gospel when it comes to doing your own divorce — it was first published in 2004 — it is still one of the best out there for priming the divorce pump and steering you in the right legal directions. Available inside are some helpful tips and suggestions for how to pick a mediator, how to gather and organize important financial information, how to keep clear records of alimony/child support/children’s expenses, and so much more. Brette McWhorter Sember, a matrimonial attorney, is the mind behind it. Good info, and yes, it is currently available in both Kindle and Paperback editions!

If you do need help with the current forms and procedures, consider giving MyDivorceDocuments.com a try. We are up-to-date with court-approved forms, and we can walk you through the whole process of getting a DIY divorce for a fraction of the cost that a normal dissolution would run you.

Social media has led to a fair share of couples deciding to file for divorce since Facebook took off in 2007. After six years of sharing too much information with hundreds of people, you would think people might learn something, but this latest story that unfolded via the comments section of The Mail — integrated with Facebook — says otherwise.

One Night With You

The pic dropped via Twitter and took off from there. The Mail user tomcowan was responding to a story about a female celebrity — not revealed in the screenshot — and said, “She is so sexy. I would leave my wife and kids for one night with her!”

The first comment he received in response was disgusted by the admission: “I hope your wife reads this, and the first thing you see when you wake up tomorrow is your belongings packed in a bin bag on the floor.”

Harsh, but not likely that big of a deal.

However, the second reply, from Natashacowan, the original commenter’s wife, must have caught his attention.

“My idiot husband forgot his comments are linked to his Facebook account. You don’t deserve our beautiful kids and I hope your brother has room on his sofa because I’m having the locks changed.”

Ouch.

If Natasha makes good on the threat, then this relationship would have ended solely because of a dumb, passing bit of hyperbole on the most popular social media site in the world. It doesn’t matter if the husband really meant it.

The average user on Facebook has more than 130 friends. Provided that tomcowan’s message had the potential to reach his and his wife’s accounts, that’s at least 260 people he thoughtlessly humiliated his family in front of. Close people. Not to mention the share of site users and Internet users, who saw the image once it went out on Twitter.

Since we live in a screenshot culture, where your sins are out there for all to see, even if you delete them, this could not only cause Natasha to follow through on her threat, but it could also be a helpful piece of ammo in a divorce proceeding, in case the couple decides to fight it out over going the do-it-yourself divorce route.

Let it be a lesson. Little actions can lead to big repercussions, thanks to the viral web. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: social media is a dangerous tool in the hands of a fool. Don’t be “that guy.”

While the United States hasn’t made any hard data available yet on the success rate of civil unions compared to those of traditional marriages, the UK has released a new study specifically targeting the success rate of civil partnerships, which became legally recognized in 2005.

According to the findings, same-sex couples saw a surge in dissolutions in 2012 indicating a seven-year itch similar to that of heterosexual couples.

(Dissolutions carry the same legal weight as when a spouse in a traditional marriage decides to file for divorce.)

The Telegraph notes that figures from the Office for National Statistics also showed that lesbian couples were “markedly more likely to dissolve civil partnerships than gay men.”

The highest chance of dissolution, according to ONS, generally occurs between the four-to-eight-year window in which a couple is together.

Overall figures indicate that — over a seven-year period — 60,454 gay and lesbian couples have formed civil partnerships (120,908 people).

The government expected to have between 11,000 and 22,000 people in civil partnerships by 2010, indicating a much larger than expected embrace of the legal recognition.

Actual Success Rate Thus Far

Combined, England and Wales showed a 20 percent surge in the number of dissolutions that occurred from 2011 to 2012. However, as attorney Randal Buckley points out, that doesn’t tell the whole story of the same-sex couple dissolution rate.

According to the ONS statistics, of those 60,454 civil partnerships, only 1,807 have resulted in dissolution, meaning that just three percent of same-sex couples have legally called it quits thus far.

Buckley attests that “the 20 percent rise in dissolutions is not a result of the myth of the ‘7-year itch’ but merely a predictable increase consistent with the rise of LGBT seeking this legal recognition.

One factor that the ONS study did not touch on was the amount of civil partnerships that went the do-it-yourself divorce (or dissolution) route versus those that ended up in litigation. So for now, we can draw the conclusion that same-sex couples are faring better than married couples, but we still have little clue about the hostility of breakups for such relationships.

(It can get quite heated in the heterosexual world.)

Also, to be fair, the data ONS provided, though insightful, isn’t very extensive. After another five or six years, there will be a clearer picture of how same-sex couples are truly faring compared to their heterosexual friends. One thing to keep in mind: in 2007, there were just 41 dissolutions. In 2012, there were 794. That’s a massive increase.

If you’re thinking of going the DIY divorce route, you’ve come to the right place. Let us help you reduce costs and streamline the process!

In a recent piece for Huffington Post, Honorée Corder, the author of The Successful Single Mom book series, examined the questions of life insurance post-divorce. While on the surface, it may seem as if you’re both going your separate ways, Corder shared some eye-opening advice that illustrates why you shouldn’t just ignore a policy when dividing up the assets. This advice is particularly helpful if you’re part of the do-it-yourself divorce community.

First, Pay Attention To The Role Of Insurance In Risk Management

According to Corder, there are two types of insurance to consider for this — life insurance and disability. “When there are any financial obligations between ex-spouses, (e.g. alimony, child support, mortgage payments) those obligations should be protected in the event of a premature death or disabling circumstance that would prevent the paying party from fulfilling their legal obligation,” Corder explained.

“Due to the importance of these tools to the recipient, the parent on the receiving end should be both owner and beneficiary of the policies and take responsibility for paying the premiums (which means you want to negotiate for those premium payments in the support settlement outlined in the decree).”

Corder advises against leaving this info to the “responsible party.” Instead, as the receiving party, you should take it upon yourself to also be responsible.

“Don’t make the mistake of leaving the payments and beneficiary designation up to the ‘responsible party.’ Sometimes the responsible party isn’t so responsible after all,” Corder said.

Secondly: Pay Attention To Cash Value.

Life insurance is often used as a wealth accumulation tool, Corder notes. In some cases, it’s the only estate plan a person even has. With whole life insurance policies, you can even gain cash value in the policy itself. “As a wealth accumulation tool, any cash value held inside a permanent life insurance policy and/or any value associated with a business buy/sell agreement that is funded with both life insurance and disability insurance should be considered ‘fair game’ when the assets are being divvied up,” Corder says. “Make sure you don’t overlook wealth that may be ‘hidden’ inside an insurance policy and negotiate for either a ‘buy out’ or revised coverage that puts you in control of both premium payments and the beneficiary designation.”

Thirdly: Evaluate Insurance Coverages.

Corder notes particularly that if you file for divorce and have the new designation as “single parent,” you should evaluate your existing policies (or the lack thereof). Have a plan in place for both disability and death. “Make sure your children don’t end up on the short end of the checkbook if something unexpected happens to you.”

In Summary

The major takeaway that we didn’t realize regarding Corder’s reveals are that you can hold premium and beneficiary designation status on life insurance and disability insurance policies, even if you didn’t before. That’s another discussion that you should have with your spouse, regardless of whether you’re going through a DIY divorce, or you decide to litigate.

Most of us have been there before. You awake in a cold sweat from a dream that seemed so real. In it, your spouse was getting their groove on with some of the most mind-blowing bedroom antics ever with someone other than you.

There is a temptation when this occurs to be miffed at your spouse when you awaken into the real world. Some may even fear that it’s a sign not all is well in the bedroom of a marriage.

New research from the Ibis hotel company sheds light on this common phenomenon.

The Dreaming Data

According to the study, one in five women — out of a total of 2,000 Brits surveyed — expressed having a dream in which their spouse cheated — 20 percent!

Unfortunately, Ibis didn’t touch on what the numbers were for men, but it did reveal what the dream likely means for both genders.

According to a statement issued from dream psychologist Ian Wallace, “Dreams where your partner is cheating with someone else suggests that you’re betraying yourself in some way in waking life and need to have far more confidence in your talents and how attractive they appear to the people around you.”

And according to Huffington Post, if you do wake up angry at your partner for having a dream affair, “know that it’s a common reaction.”

“Back in May, researchers from the University of Maryland found that dreams about infidelity, jealousy and other ‘bad’ relationship behavior were associated with greater relationship conflict and reduced intimacy in the days that followed.”

Surprising Takeaways

For us, the real surprise of the Ibis survey was that dream infidelities have nothing to do with trouble in the bedroom and more to do with self-esteem.

Also, we were a little surprised that the number of women who have this dream was so high, especially given the gain in confidence that women have experienced with relationships over the years. As of October 2013, 40 percent of women were the breadwinners in their respective households and more women file for divorce due to expanded opportunities than ever before.

If you’re looking at a do-it-yourself divorce, let us know how we can help today. DIY divorce is less costly in time, money, and frustration. Whatever you decide, best of luck!

Huffington Post recently took a look at the advantages of technology in divorce, and while we have to give a hearty “here-here!” to many of the points, it’s also important to take a look at the downside. While it can certainly help you with support sources and the like, it can also exacerbate difficulties. Let’s take a look at some of the pros and cons of mixing these two elements together.

Pros

Do-it-yourself divorce: This is perhaps one of the biggest advantages of having a technological influence in your divorce and recovery. Rather than paying exorbitant attorney’s fees for a costly, combative divorce, you and your spouse can use DIY divorce services like ours to get the support, education, and preparation you need at fractional costs.

Getting back out there: Technology can enable you to become more discerning about the dating scene after you or your spouse have decided to file for divorce. Rather than taking someone at face value from one night in a club, you can read their profile and use your judgment to determine whether they’re a good fit for you. It can also help you get your confidence back by giving you more time and opportunity to interact in a meaningful way.

Support groups: There are tons of support forums out there where you can go to interact with others, who may be going through the same thing you are. You can also use the Internet or specialty smartphone applications to get legal guidance in an easy-to-digest form.

Cons

Social media: People have a tendency to vent on social media, and that can lead to big trouble if you say the wrong thing. Social networks like Facebook better facilitate affairs, hurt divorce settlements, and escalate feuds by bringing others into what should be a private situation. Also, if you’re the spouse who has been rejected, having access to this tool can escalate obsessive behavior by using it to always check what your ex is up to. This can retard post-divorce growth and development.

Disconnecting relationships: In situations where technology becomes too big of a part in a couple’s life, they can tend to ignore the human need to connect. Not spending time together in a meaningful way can increase the divide that couples feel and lead to divorce.

In Summary

While ultimately technology is a good thing in how it can help you save money and time on a divorce, rebuild your life after one, and get the emotional and legal support that you need, it can’t be fully embraced without being aware of its costs. Find the balance, and you’ll be a happier person.

A new book by co-authors William J. Doherty and Leah Ward Sears contends that most marriages can be saved, and that it’s typically the “average” divorce that can cause the most damage to children.

Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota and director of the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project, and Sears, a partner at the law firm of Schiff Hardin and former chief justice of the Georgia Supreme Court from 2005 to 2009, have written Second Chances: A Proposal to Reduce Unnecessary Divorce.

This week, the pair released an excerpt from their book and in it characterize assumptions that “Divorce happens only after a long process of misery and conflict; and, once couples file for divorce, they don’t entertain the idea of reconciling,” as wrong.

Average Divorce Is ‘The Most Harmful To Children’

In addressing the reality of divorce, the authors write:

“Research over the past decade has shown that a major share of divorces (50 to 66 percent, depending on the study) occur between couples who had average happiness and low levels of conflict in the years before the divorce,” the authors claim. “Contrary to popular belief, only a minority of divorcing couples experience high conflict and abuse during their marriages. Most divorces occur with couples who have drifted apart and handle everyday disagreements poorly. It is these ‘average’ divorces that research shows are the most harmful to children.”

Shining a bit more light on this reality, sociologists Paul Amato and Alan Booth agree. “Our results suggest that divorces with the greatest potential to harm children occur in marriages that have the greatest potential for reconciliation.”

Why Most Marriages Can Avoid The Divorce Outcome

In Doherty’s own research, 2,500 divorcing parents “well along in that process” were asked whether they would be willing to submit to reconciliation services. “In at least 10 percent of these divorce cases, both spouses were open to efforts to reconcile — and in another 30 percent, one spouse was interested in reconciliation,” Doherty said. “Results for couples earlier in the divorce process were even more promising.”

Many spouses are so cut to the core by the words, “I want a divorce,” that they give up too early, the book contends. While the desire for divorce may be more lopsided, it doesn’t mean that “No” is the only answer.

If you’ve reached the point that do-it-yourself divorce is the option that you’re considering, give some thought to what factors are driving you apart. If DIY divorce is still your best option, we can help. But don’t give up on a marriage that’s still worth fighting for.

When my first marriage ended, it was very hard for me. Not because I had to say goodbye to my ex. She made that pretty easy on me with the whole adultery thing. A few months after our do-it-yourself divorce, I was fine, and the anger had effectively dehumanized her enough that moving on with life was pretty simple. But I did have to say goodbye to one living thing that absolutely hurt: our dog Gracey, a Chinese pug I’d helped take care of since my ex brought it home as a puppy.

Gracey was a great dog. She snored something terrible and acted like she was going to kill me whenever I went near her food dish, but she was all bark, no bite, and a whole lot of cuddles. It’s almost impossible to live with a small dog without it becoming your kid. That happened in my situation, and it didn’t make the decision to file for divorce easy, even if our process was without a great deal of legal conflict. How was I going to make it without this little thing that slept rammed up against my side every night while snoring under my reassuring hand?

It was rough, but I did get over it. Here’s how.

I Realized The Person I Was Had Died.

It didn’t matter how hard I tried to be “me,” there was no going back to the person I was. That didn’t mean something better couldn’t emerge. Seven years after the divorce ended, my new life is worlds better than my old one ever was. But if there was going to be recovery, I had to rid myself of the remnants. Unfortunately, Gracey was one of those remnants.

I Put Away The Past.

Deleting old pictures of the dog was difficult, and it didn’t happen right away. But the moment came when the courage was there, and once the decision had been made and the button had been pushed, there was something oddly liberating about it.

I Lived With An Eye Toward The Future.

Replacing Gracey seemed impossible at the time I left, but the very day that I moved in to my new apartment, I came across a nice black cat who hung around the pad wanting to be pet and fed on occasion. I never let him in — didn’t really even check if he was a he — but he provided enough companionship to bridge the gap into human contact whenever I was outside my apartment.

I Realized Animals Are Animals And People Are People.

Nothing made me realize this more than when I discovered over Labor Day that I would be a father in less than a year. Hearing my little replacement’s heartbeat for the first time and seeing him/her — five weeks to go before gender reveal — melted me and really put the human-pet thing in perspective. It’s not that I haven’t loved every pet I’ve ever had. It’s just that I find more fulfillment now in my human relationships. Seeing my unborn child has taught me that this is one loved thing I could never walk away from. Obviously, I couldn’t say the same of Gracey.

Need help filing for divorce? Want to keep conflict and costs to a minimum? Let us help you through your DIY divorce today.