CIA Report on Smurf Communism

Isolated Utopian Village said to be model for Communist society

By Christian Bladt

I think we all recognize this evil salute.

Earlier this month, the CIA recently de-classified thousands of pages of documents from the Cold War era pertaining to what was referred to as “The Blue Menace”. For decades, the US government has kept a watchful eye on a small village of mushroom-shaped homes nestled deep inside an enchanted forest that is touted as a Socialist Utopia. Now, for the first time we take an exclusive look at “The Smurf Files”:

This village's blind faith in their leader is of great concern to us.

“The Smurf society is an unspoiled socialist utopia, and they are quite intent on preserving the utmost secrecy with regards to the location of their home. Smurfs never worry about their own safety and well-being, but, instead about how their actions directly affect the residents of the Smurf Village. They all work together, knowing that their position within this society directly corresponds to the amount of effort they put forth for the betterment of the society as a whole.

For the better part of the past century, Smurf society has been run by a hard-line Marxist known as Papa Smurf. Papa Smurf is the only Smurf in a red uniform, clearly distinguishing him as the cult of personality. Even though his patriarchal title seems to show that the Smurf Village is truly a family, it is really a patriarchal dictatorship, with the figurehead of this puppet government being Papa himself. He cares about them. He is the father. Everyone knows he is in charge, and will handle disputes and make decisions for the good of the society. His rule began by ousting the previous ruler, Grandpa Smurf, who spent decades banished to the wastelands of the forest. Recently, Papa Smurf allowed Grandpa to return to the society to live out his final years, under his late-1980s social reform policies of “smurf-nost” and “peri-smurf-a”.

A great deal of Smurf ideology is instilled in this blue army through chants and songs that are recited whenever they are together in a group. The village holds regular events, in which all 100 Smurf citizens are required to dance exactly the same. Although they are billed as “fun” and “celebrations”, these events are seen as more of an organized rally reinforcing Smurf way of life. When the Smurfs march by, everyone takes notice. Although it has been years since the Smurfs have faced any kind of armed conflict, their reputation precedes them as ruthless military masterminds.

Today, the Smurf village has no needs for a police state, and even the Elite Military Operations Unit’s only assignments seem to be rescuing fellow citizens from being eaten. The only real threat that the Smurfs face is from Gargamel, an evil wizard whose preoccupation with turning them into gold repeatedly reinforces to all of the Smurfs the failure of, and the evils associated with Capitalist Society.

A rare image of Nicholas Smurfanoff (left), the last czar in the Smurfanoff dynasty. He was forced from power under Papa Smurf’s socialist revolution.

For the Smurfs, there is no King, no queen, no heaven, no hell. Religion has no place in Smurf Society, instead they know that they are at the mercy of Mother Nature and Father Time, both of whom the Smurfs have had numerous run-ins with, always meeting with results beneficial to their society.

This society is totally self-reliant. The Smurfs use no form of hard currency, and there is rarely even the need to trade goods or services, because as they are taught to say from infancy: “Papa Smurf always says: share and share a like”. As a classless society, the division of labor in Smurf Village is designed without the possibility for surplus of production, ensuring that no one class will benefit by taking advantage of the others.

While there are definitely members of society whose designation might be more high profile than others, the good of the Smurfs is put before all else. One way the Smurfs are continually conditioned to this idea is by the usage of the word “smurf” itself. Conversationally, it can be substituted for any part of speech.

Under Smurfy Socialism, everyone finds equal means for the development of their respective faculties and utilization of their labour. Each Smurf is assigned a specific role, or a place in the society. Handy Smurf is in charge of any repairs necessary. Hefty Smurf performs the bulk of the manual labor. Farmer Smurf does the hard work of harvesting their food, and Greedy Smurf prepares it for all to enjoy.

Other Smurfs abilities are not as immediately clear. Poet Smurf is a tool Papa Smurf’s propaganda machine. Jokey Smurf’s exploding presents serve to provide a lighthearted respite in what could easily prove to be a dreary existence. (Also, his proficiency with explosives makes him a valuable tool should Papa Smurf ever desire the formation of a “Blue Ops” assassination team.)

Some Smurfs’ roles are to set an example of what good little Smurfs should strive not to be. Vanity Smurf illustrates how pre-occupation with one’s self can be bad for the society as a whole. Lazy Smurf’s lackadaisical lifestyle shows what can happen if everyone decided that they were too tired to do their required tasks. Nosey Smurf, by asking bothersome questions and continually investigating the unknown, demonstrates the perils of troubling your mind with things that do not concern you.

Papa Smurf's words are with the Smurfs at all times.

Interestingly enough, there is only one female member of the Smurf society. She is referred to as “Smurfette”, a very demoralizing title, in order to immediately place her into a secondary and subservient role. For, as the only female, Smurfette definitely would have the means to pose a real threat to Papa Smurf’s rule. However, she is not viewed as dangerous, as she spends all of her free time working on her garden.

The only real threat may be Brainy Smurf. Every one of these recently released files concludes with Brainy Smurf being forcibly ejected from the Smurf Village. He clearly represents the contempt for intellectualism this type of society has. His intellect rivals that of Papa Smurf, who realizes that Brainy Smurf could very easily start a revolution against him. Brainy Smurf knows that he is capable of running things in the Smurf village, but he lacks the maturity to take charge and the support of the other Smurfs.

Brainy’s isolation is part of Papa Smurf’s plan for keeping himself at the top of the food chain. Brainy’s volumes of “Quotations of Brainy Smurf” are often referred to, and yet, none of the other Smurfs ever reads them. The possibility of all the Smurfs being capable of the same intellect of Brainy, or even Papa Smurf himself, is a very real threat. As such, Brainy is sought after only whenever completely necessary, but banished outside of the Smurf village whenever it seems likely that he would get any of the other Smurfs to question the structure of their society.

Brainy Smurf’s subjugation to a tertiary role and the potential threat it poses to Papa Smurf’s leadership makes the Smurf Village a potential hotbed of military activity, one which will need to be continually monitored for the foreseeable future. If Brainy Smurf were to make any inroads amongst the other Smurfs, it is our belief that the United States would benefit greatly from Brainy Smurf’s rule. As such, it is the Central Intelligence Agency’s proposal that an exploratory commission be set up to see what steps could be taken now, to put the U.S. in the best position if and when an uprising occurs.”

Sources: The above works have been adapted from the following articles. All credit where credit due.

E.S. Facebook Profile

E.S. Twitter

Comrade Ho Chi Minh

"Uncle Ho," birth name Nguyen Sinh Cung. Ho Chi Minh translates to "He Who Enlightens."
Remember the Vietnamese workers who liberated Vietnam from French colonial rule and defeated the U.S. imperialists genocide in Vietnam!

Quotes

“Without revolutionary theory there can be no revolutionary movement.”

-- V.I. Lenin

"No force, no torture, no intrigue can eradicate Marxism-Leninism from the minds and hearts of men."

-- Enver Hoxha

"If you do not condemn colonialism, if you do not side with the colonial people, what kind of revolution are you waging?"

-- Ho Chi Minh

“Every departure from class struggle has fatal results for the destiny of socialism.”

-- Enver Hoxha

"A nation which enslaves another forges its own chains."

-- Karl Marx

"Private property must, therefore, be abolished and in its place must come the common utilization of all instruments of production and the distribution of all products according to common agreement - in a word, what is called the communal ownership of goods."

-- Friedrich Engels

"The entire party and country should hurl into the fire and break the neck of anyone who dared trample underfoot the sacred edict of the party on the defense of women's rights."

-- Enver Hoxha, 1967

"Today, in fact, ‘Stalinism’ has become a meaningless term of abuse employed to denote political views with which one disagrees."

-- Bill Bland

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

-- Desmond Tutu

“The class struggle does not disappear under the dictatorship of the proletariat; it merely assumes different forms... The class of exploiters, the landowners and capitalists, has not disappeared and cannot disappear all at once under the dictatorship of the proletariat. The exploiters have been smashed, but not destroyed. They still have an international base in the form of international capital, of which they are a branch. They still retain certain means of production in part, they still have money, they still have vast social connections."

-- V.I. Lenin, 1919

"We are marching in a compact group along a precipitous and difficult path, firmly holding each other by the hand. We are surrounded on all sides by enemies, and we have to advance almost constantly under their fire. We have combined, by a freely adopted decision, for the purpose of fighting the enemy, and not of retreating into the neighbouring marsh, the inhabitants of which, from the very outset, have reproached us with having separated ourselves into an exclusive group and with having chosen the path of struggle instead of the path of conciliation. And now some among us begin to cry out: Let us go into the marsh! And when we begin to shame them, they retort: What backward people you are! Are you not ashamed to deny us the liberty to invite you to take a better road! Oh, yes, gentlemen! You are free not only to invite us, but to go yourselves wherever you will, even into the marsh. In fact, we think that the marsh is your proper place, and we are prepared to render you every assistance to get there. Only let go of our hands, don’t clutch at us and don’t besmirch the grand word freedom, for we too are ‘free’ to go where we please, free to fight not only against the marsh, but also against those who are turning towards the marsh!"

-- Lenin, “What is to be Done?”

"I have not brought you liberty, I found it here, among you."

-- George Kastrioti "Skanderbeg"

"[The children's] life will be better than ours; much of what was our life, they will not experience. Their lives will be less cruel. [...] Our generation has succeeded in doing a job of astounding historical importance. The cruelty of our life, forced upon us by conditions, will be understood and justified. It will all be understood, all of it!"

-- V.I. Lenin

"There is one, and only one, kind of real internationalism, and that is—working whole-heartedly for the development of the revolutionary movement and the revolutionary struggle in one’s own country, and supporting (by propaganda, sympathy, and material aid) this struggle, this, and only this, line, in every country without exception."

-- V.I. Lenin, 1917

"When the enemy attacks you, it means you are on the right road."

-- Enver Hoxha

"You'll hang me now, but I am not alone. There are two hundred million of us. You can't hang us all."

-- Zoya Anatolyevna Kosmodemyanskaya

"The Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution was neither a revolution, nor great, nor cultural, and, in particular, not in the least proletarian."

-- Enver Hoxha

"Marxism is not only the theory of socialism, it is an integral world outlook, a philosophical system, from which Marx’s proletarian socialism logically follows. This philosophical system is called dialectical materialism.”

-- J. V. Stalin, “Anarchism or Socialism?”

"You speak of Sinified socialism. There is nothing of the sort in nature. There is no Russian, English, French, German, Italian socialism, as much as there is no Chinese socialism. There is only one Marxist-Leninist socialism."

-- J.V. Stalin, 1949

“Nixon is to go to Peking! We are not in agreement. Therefore I think we should write to the Chinese a letter saying that we are opposed to this decision. Nixon is an aggressor, a murderer of peoples, an enemy of socialism — especially of Albania, which the USA has never recognised as a people’s democratic state and against which it has hatched a thousand plots. The invitation to Nixon will benefit imperialism and world reaction, and will gravely harm the new Marxist-Leninist Parties which have looked upon China and Mao Tse-tung as the pillar of the revolution and as defenders of Marxism-Leninism."

-- Enver Hoxha

"It is only the working class at the head of the masses, it is only the working class headed by its real Marxist-Leninist party, it is only the working class through armed revolution, through violence, that can and must bury the traitorous revisionists."

-- Enver Hoxha

“There were two ‘Reigns of Terror,’ if we would but remember and consider it; the one wrought murder in hot passion, the other in heartless cold blood; the one lasted mere months, the other lasted a thousand years; the one inflicted death upon ten thousand persons, the other upon a hundred millions; but our shudders are all for the “horrors” of the minor Terror, the momentary Terror, so to speak; whereas, what is the horror of swift death by the guillotine, compared with lifelong death from hunger, cold, insult, cruelty, and heart-break? What is swift death by lightning compared with death by slow fire at the stake? A city cemetery could contain the coffins filled by that brief Terror which we have all been so diligently taught to shiver at and mourn over; but all France could hardly contain the coffins filled by that older and real Terror—that unspeakably bitter and awful Terror which none of us has been taught to see in its vastness or pity as it deserves.”