“If he wants to talk to you, HE will call/text you. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t want to. Never call the guy first. #datingproblems”.

“The hard part is waiting for that moment if you really like them.. Or getting disappointed when your phone rings and it’s not him”.

“Oh jesus people, don’t get your panties in a wad. I’m not being sexist, I’m being old-fashioned. Can’t ever say sh**on this thing.”

See these things? These are the things that Demi Lovato‘s been putting up on her Twitter account lately. Aren’t they gems? This is Demi being all melodramatic and, according to some of her Twitter followers, “old-fashioned.” Is she old-fashioned? I don’t know about all that. But I do know that all of this relationship nonsense and airing-out of her dirty laundry is getting pretty old.

Get a boyfriend, Demi – or don’t – and keep it to yourself, OK? No amount of faux-wisdom is going to make you appealing to either sex, alright?

The Caribbean Queen shed some light on the situation in an interview with On Air with Ryan Seacrest Thursday, explaining the rationale behind their puzzling pair of performances on each other’s new tracks, her “Birthday Cake” and “Turn Up the Music,” three years after he brutally pummeled her following a pre-Grammy party in Hancock Park, a suburb of Los Angeles.

“I already spoke to him about doing ‘Birthday Cake’ because that’s the only person I could see doing it,” Rihanna, the best-selling digital artist of all-time, told Seacrest.

She added that “despite everything else,” Brown’s the top selling R&B star in the world and a no-brainer to collaborate with on a professional level. (On the controversial dance hit, he sings to Rihanna, “Girl I wanna f*** you right now. Been a long time, I’ve been missing your body.”)

Brown, in turn, asked her to appear on the remix to his song, “Turn Up the Music” — “One for my fans, one for his fans,” she explained.

Subtly referring to the beating she endured at Brown’s hands — which he’s still on probation for — Rihanna said “there shouldn’t be a divide between my fans and his fans.

“It’s music and it’s innocent.”

So there shouldn’t be a divide between Rihanna‘s fans and Chris‘s fans. I’m not quite sure I get it. First, I didn’t realize there were actual Chris fans willing to admit they were Chris fans out there (it’s like, come on. Even if you’re a fan of his music, how can you even be SUCH a fan that you’re willing to publicly admit it? Everyone I know that respects Chris Brown as an artist – and only an artists – is way embarrassed to even admit that shit. That’s the kind of stuff they keep to themselves), and second, why is Rihanna even touching this topic with a ten-foot pole? Is she preparing the world for the oh-so-shocking revelation that the two are hooking up again? Is that what this is? Because even though people are probably shockingly disappointed, I don’t think they’re shockingly shocked. Excuse me while I go soak my eyes in borax.

I like Carrie Underwood. Seriously, I really do. I’m not a huge fan of the whole country thing, but I think she’s a really sweet girl, I love her story, I love that she’s probably the most famous American Idol ever (and ever will be), and I think she’s genuinely a good, positive role model for little girls growing up with a media that constantly tells them that they’re not good enough. Carrie Underwood is awesome, OK?

But I read an interview that she recently did with Self magazine, and I have to say – it was corny as all hell. I was able to appreciate it for its good-heartedness and its truth, but there was deep-down feminist part of me that kind of cringed when I read the things she likes to do to make her husband happy, and the things she seeks to reaffirm that she’s the bees knees.

Shall I go on?

From Self, what she had to say about dressing to please her husband – and no one else:

“I get texts from Mike when I’m on a red carpet that read ‘You’re so hot!’ I like that. Words of affirmation mean a lot to me. But my husband is also pretty conservative. When I’m wearing some outfits, he’ll say, ‘That dress is a little short, don’t ya think?’ He would never tell me I can’t do or wear something or make me feel bad, but I’m a married lady now, so I try to be respectful of my husband. I want to look sexy for him, and I appreciate that he wants to look nice for me, too.”

So, alright. I get that it’s “nice” she wants to look “nice” for her husband, and I’m just so sure he feels the same about her. I have no doubts that he likes to look “nice” for her, “too.” Oh, “sorry.” Did I get “carried away” with the “quotes”? My “bad.” But you know what’s also nice? Looking nice for yourself before looking nice for anyone else. And someone appreciating you for what you look like even when you know you look like hot garbage on a humid day. That’s cool as well.

I’m not saying that Carrie’s husband gets carried away with his machismo role as husband (“That dress is a little short, don’t ya think?”), but I am saying that maybe Carrie just shouldn’t, you know … try so hard, I suppose.

This is Jennifer Lopez and her ugly twin, presumably on the set of a new music video or something. Because I can’t, for the life of me, imagine why else Jennifer Lopez might need a stunt double. She does movies like Maid in Manhattan and The Wedding Planner. And that one time she did that one semi-non-rom-com movie, Gigli, she ended up getting engaged to Ben Affleck, and I think that’s something that *no one* wants to have repeated ever again in this life.

No, I can’t fathom for the life of me why Jennifer Lopez would need a stunt double, and unless she’s this amazing TV personality that doesn’t actually do her own dancing or singing and is only kept around for her good looks and half-assed nipple slips, then there’s just no explanation. The only thing I can think of is that In Living Color used to be pretty blurry back in the day before high-definition television production, and maybe this actually was the dude rocking J. Lo’s sweet dance moves. I mean, would we be surprised if that were the case? No. Girlfriend’s dating some young-assed rat-faced gold-digger, and because of that, nothing about this lady surprises me anymore.

“I was in a relationship with a girl for a long time when I was in high school. [But] if I had thought I was 100% gay, would it have been a different experience for me? Would it have been a bigger deal if shame had been attached to it and all those things that become huge life-altering issues for youngsters in that situation? It’s possible that my attitude around it came, on some level, from knowing that I still liked boys.”

Our *dearly departed Jenn mentioned a few weeks ago that Gillian Anderson didn’t have her own category here, and I thought, “Well duh, it’s not like we’re a bunch of nerdy X-Files fans sitting around, fantasizing about Mulder and Scully and wondering when the Truth Will Be Revealed or whatever,” but after finding out that she’s doing Miss Havisham in an upcoming BBC production of Great Expectations, was found dancing on tabletops, and now is interviewing with various magazines, telling everyone that she experimented with same-sex relationships in the past, girl’s all sorts of interesting, now, isn’t she? Jenn was definitely onto something when she created the ‘Gillian Anderson’ category page, and now that some of us kind of care all over again, I fully expect the pages to fill up quick.

And as for the same-sex experimenting thing, can you imagine the level of hype that X-Files would have reached if all of the fanboys and fangirls two decades ago knew about this lesbian-fling thing? I just could not even begin to imagine (actually, I could, and that’s pretty hot). It would have taken shit to an entirely different place. Why would she hold out on us like this?

*Oh, and Jenn’s not dead or anything, guys, don’t worry! Check out her farewell post here.

Does the name Chelsea Tyler ring a bell? ‘No’ to most of you? Yeah, me either. I mean, I knew that Steven had more than just Liv as his offspring, but I never really investigated what she was like too much. When you’ve got Liv Tyler in the family portrait, pretty much everything else pales in comparison, no?

Anyway, Chelsea is 22 years old and has done her first big modeling shoot: a steamy shower setting for the New York Post‘s Page Six magazine. Which, I believe, is the same magazine that Jon Gosselin’s ex-girlfriend did when she got into that whole I’m-going-to-be-famous-for-boxing thing. You mean to tell me that daddy couldn’t have pulled some strings here to at least get his *youngest daughter set up with something … I don’t know, credible? But I suppose Chelsea’s not exactly complaining. Here’s a snippet from the story Page Six ran, and she’s every bit as neat as you think she might be:

Chelsea Tyler is standing in a Midtown coffee shop waiting for a barista to brew her latte. Her face is expressionless, then suddenly falls into a full-on pout as three cappuccinos are scooped up by people who had been in line behind her.

Wearing a black beanie over her long brown hair, her strong cheekbones free of makeup, she looks like any Fashion Week model annoyed that her coffee fix has been delayed.

That is, until her order arrives and a smile tears across her face-a joyful grin unmasking her large teeth and revealing a face so familiar that strangers do a double take.

“People stop me out of the blue a lot,” she says, rolling her eyes as she grabs her coffee. “That’s pretty much all I ever get: ‘You look exactly like Steven Tyler.’ “

Later in the interview, Chelsea talks about how normal she actually is, all things considered:

“Being around my dad made me develop a resentment toward the entertainment industry. I was resentful of the industry for stealing my dad away from me, for making me feel like I couldn’t just have a regular little kid life. I wanted nothing to do with it.” … She waitressed and worked briefly as a cashier at American Apparel because she “loved the clothes and wanted the discount,” she says. “I think it’s really important to have a job. I’m not even close to some sort of trust fund kid. When it comes to that stuff, we’re very much on our own. I’m lucky in my life to have certain things, but I lived as a broke, dirty college kid for four years.”

She actually sounds pretty bad-ass and relatively normal, right? I think congrats are kind of in order, then. Here, girl. As a gift, I’ve gone ahead and created you your own category on our site so that you’ve got a home, should we decide to talk about you again. Doesn’t that make you feel so good and golden inside?

*Incidentally, Steven has a middle daughter, too, by the name of Mia Tyler. Mia’s also a model and will be thirty-four this year, I believe. This is Mia, who also shares the Tyler jaw and lips: