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I think we all have such moments--I know I have. And yes, there are limitations which having HIV imposes on one's life. Since the first thing HIV meant for me was immediate deportation from the country where I was living at the time, I know all about that. But there are also new opportunities, and in a way having HIV can force one to focus on things that are, in the end, more rewarding anyway.

When you say it's isolating, do you mean as in when you go to a gay chatroom online and half the guys there say "neg, ub2" and that kind of thing? But then I think, I don't need all the guys in the chatroom, and most of them I don't even want. And there are people who are more enlightened than that, and they are the ones I prefer to spend my time with anyway. And that's what I mean when I say focus on things that are more rewarding--most of the things I want to do in life are things that HIV cannot interfere with at all, like reading and writing, having real friendships, hiking, cooking. I'd rather be doing those things anyway.

So, I meant for this to be a cheerful, encouraging reply and hope I haven't gone and made it a depressing one instead! In a nutshell, it gets better. For me, when I'm blue, just remembering that I've been down before and gotten over it helps; it shows that I'll most likely get over it again!

After living with HIV/AIDS for 24 years, officially diagnosed with AIDS in 1996, and then having to retire in 1999 from a promising career because of illness, I am mad I have it, but got to live with it and deal with it. Fortunately most of my life living with HIV/ AIDS have been good. Most of the glaring illnesses are occurring now perhaps due to the virus, meds, where I live, my age, who knows. But I've accepted I had AIDS a long time ago, and living with that stigma is the least of my problems. It's dealing with the health issues that go along with it, med side effects, skin conditions, kidney issues, and everything else that gets me down being a long termer.

If you have been recently diagnosed, or are pretty much doing well health wise, get out there and enjoy yourself. Don't worry about what other people think. Take advantage of your health while you have it and don't isolate if possible. Believe me, things can get a lot worse.

By isolating I mean just the feeling that my life is limited. That I can't tell many people for fear of how they will react.

I feel you Wow. I just got home from the local casino. I was sitting at a table today with a micro-biologist and he was going on and on about all of the advances that are being made for diabetics and all of the exciting things that are on the horizon and I wanted to ask, "So what about HIV???" But, I didn't, because I felt like it would become obvious to everyone at the table.

After living with HIV/AIDS for 24 years, officially diagnosed with AIDS in 1996, and then having to retire in 1999 from a promising career because of illness, I am mad I have it, but got to live with it and deal with it. Fortunately most of my life living with HIV/ AIDS have been good. Most of the glaring illnesses are occurring now perhaps due to the virus, meds, where I live, my age, who knows. But I've accepted I had AIDS a long time ago, and living with that stigma is the least of my problems. It's dealing with the health issues that go along with it, med side effects, skin conditions, kidney issues, and everything else that gets me down being a long termer.

If you have been recently diagnosed, or are pretty much doing well health wise, get out there and enjoy yourself. Don't worry about what other people think. Take advantage of your health while you have it and don't isolate if possible. Believe me, things can get a lot worse.

Don't mean to preach, but hope this helps.

Best,

JM

I had to start meds about 3 months ago. It's kinda made me realize that I have it. Before, I could just go one with my day. Now, I have a daily reminder. Yes, my health is fine, other than taking meds.

I feel you Wow. I just got home from the local casino. I was sitting at a table today with a micro-biologist and he was going on and on about all of the advances that are being made for diabetics and all of the exciting things that are on the horizon and I wanted to ask, "So what about HIV???" But, I didn't, because I felt like it would become obvious to everyone at the table.

I totally understand this ...

In the last 3 years I've been angry, in denial, pissed, vengeful, determined, hopeful, and a bunch of other emotions. This is the first time I've truly felt sorry for myself in all this.

I occasionally have those feelings also, but I try not to dwell on them because I know I can do nothing to change my diagnosis and I just have to make the best out of what I have. There is no going back, only forward and I try not to spend my "going forward" thinking about HIv all the time. I find that If I keep it on the back burner I am a much more happy person.

Wow, isn't it more like just over two years? In your first ever post here in July 2008 you said you were diagnosed three weeks earlier.

I guess I'm lucky in that I only experienced those kind of feelings in the first months after my diagnosis. I'm very out about my status and I just don't feel isolated at all. On the contrary, I feel rather liberated and well-connected to others, probably more so than before diagnosis. I don't really feel limited either, I just do what I want and get on with it.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I have several days where I feel just great and wonder how it is possible I have this virus--because I feel so good. Then, I'll start feeling down about it. It is usually triggered by not feeling very good. I'll go out with friends and family and not think about HIV for awhile, but usually not longer than an hour. I find myself comparing myself to all of them. I do feel isolated that I'm the only one of my group with this virus. They have no idea what it is like. I still don't know all about what it is like, and I hope I don't get to know everything. Well, the bad stuff anyway. Anyway, I'll feel jealous of them that they don't have to worry about this virus that is trying to kill all of us.

I wish I had that life back. I'm getting tired of dealing with this on a daily basis. I get tired of being afraid to make plans for Christmas to go to Florida. Everyone is suppose to go, but I have this fear that I will get sick with something while down there and ruin their vacation. We just went to the IN State Fair. There was a story on the news about someone who petted an animal and then went into kidney failure from some bacteria or something. It made me wonder whether it was safe for me to go into the animal barns. I'm tired of thinking that way. I know much of this is irrational, but ya never know especially not being on meds yet. I continue to work on it and try to stay hopeful. Fear is the big challenge for me to overcome.

I went through that when I first tested positive. I fealt a strong urge to talk about it, but kept it in. I haven't told my family yet and have only told a few of my friends.

HIV isn't a nice disease like cancer. Most of us can blame getting this disease on a bad decision that we made. It also carries such a high stigma here in the states. I wish I could say something to make all of this easier for you, but I can't. You have to find your own way through it and find peace.

I tested positive and was put on meds right away (47 t-cells). In the first few months I had to force myself to take the meds. Only people with HIV had to take those pills. In a way it a bit of denial for me. I didn't want to take the pills. I didn't want to be positive. I didn't want to have AIDS. Fact of the matter though is this is what my life has in store for me whether I like it or not.

I think having 47 t-cells was a good thing for me in the long run. I remember friends who passed from AIDS and knew how desperate my situation was. It caused me to confront death, accept it, and start to enjoy life again. You have to confront the worst case scenario, come to peace with it, and enjoy and cultivate the best life that you can.

HIV or no HIV, we are all going to die. The question is, how are you going to live?

Wow, isn't it more like just over two years? In your first ever post here in July 2008 you said you were diagnosed three weeks earlier.

I guess I'm lucky in that I only experienced those kind of feelings in the first months after my diagnosis. I'm very out about my status and I just don't feel isolated at all. On the contrary, I feel rather liberated and well-connected to others, probably more so than before diagnosis. I don't really feel limited either, I just do what I want and get on with it.

Ann you are right .. I was using something else as the basis for this ... I was in a relationship about 3 1/2 years ago and that is when I was infected ... Wasn't diagnosed until about 2 1/2 years ago ...

I feel you Wow. I just got home from the local casino. I was sitting at a table today with a micro-biologist and he was going on and on about all of the advances that are being made for diabetics and all of the exciting things that are on the horizon and I wanted to ask, "So what about HIV???" But, I didn't, because I felt like it would become obvious to everyone at the table.

Shit!!I would have been like what about HIV?...my umm...? brother has it...sister..would you believe my uncle?! lol

I have several days where I feel just great and wonder how it is possible I have this virus--because I feel so good. Then, I'll start feeling down about it. It is usually triggered by not feeling very good. I'll go out with friends and family and not think about HIV for awhile, but usually not longer than an hour. I find myself comparing myself to all of them. I do feel isolated that I'm the only one of my group with this virus. They have no idea what it is like. I still don't know all about what it is like, and I hope I don't get to know everything. Well, the bad stuff anyway. Anyway, I'll feel jealous of them that they don't have to worry about this virus that is trying to kill all of us.

I wish I had that life back. I'm getting tired of dealing with this on a daily basis. I get tired of being afraid to make plans for Christmas to go to Florida. Everyone is suppose to go, but I have this fear that I will get sick with something while down there and ruin their vacation. We just went to the IN State Fair. There was a story on the news about someone who petted an animal and then went into kidney failure from some bacteria or something. It made me wonder whether it was safe for me to go into the animal barns. I'm tired of thinking that way. I know much of this is irrational, but ya never know especially not being on meds yet. I continue to work on it and try to stay hopeful. Fear is the big challenge for me to overcome.

I'm lucky in that I get an annual physical and so found out really quickly ... So far, I don't worry about catching anything ... I made the decision that when my CD4 went below 300 I went on meds ... It went below 300 and stayed their for two consequetive tests ... So I went on the wonder meds ... The up side is that all my numbers improved dramatically ...

I worry about planning for my future ... I keep thinking things like "Why go back to school and finish my phd?" etc ... The fear of not having insurance is terrifying to me ...

Wow, isn't it more like just over two years? In your first ever post here in July 2008 you said you were diagnosed three weeks earlier.

I guess I'm lucky in that I only experienced those kind of feelings in the first months after my diagnosis. I'm very out about my status and I just don't feel isolated at all. On the contrary, I feel rather liberated and well-connected to others, probably more so than before diagnosis. I don't really feel limited either, I just do what I want and get on with it.

Ann, I think that it's different for women than for men and probably more so for gay men ... There is an attitude that we did something to deserve this ... That we have HIV for reasons beyond just an accident ... The social stigma is one of the things I find difficult at times ...

I went through that when I first tested positive. I fealt a strong urge to talk about it, but kept it in. I haven't told my family yet and have only told a few of my friends.

HIV isn't a nice disease like cancer. Most of us can blame getting this disease on a bad decision that we made. It also carries such a high stigma here in the states. I wish I could say something to make all of this easier for you, but I can't. You have to find your own way through it and find peace.

I tested positive and was put on meds right away (47 t-cells). In the first few months I had to force myself to take the meds. Only people with HIV had to take those pills. In a way it a bit of denial for me. I didn't want to take the pills. I didn't want to be positive. I didn't want to have AIDS. Fact of the matter though is this is what my life has in store for me whether I like it or not.

I think having 47 t-cells was a good thing for me in the long run. I remember friends who passed from AIDS and knew how desperate my situation was. It caused me to confront death, accept it, and start to enjoy life again. You have to confront the worst case scenario, come to peace with it, and enjoy and cultivate the best life that you can.

HIV or no HIV, we are all going to die. The question is, how are you going to live?

I hope I didn't sound too preachy. I just feel for your situation.

Thanks ... I'm religious about taking my meds ... As I stated this is my first true self-pity-party ... I'm not even sure what is triggering it ...

By isolating I mean just the feeling that my life is limited. That I can't tell many people for fear of how they will react. How I'm not as free as I was before.

why do you feel the need to tell most people? I went to an amusement park yesterday with my youngest brother, his wife and kids. We ran around all day, riding the rides (my oh my. at 48 now, all that spinning is a little nauseating; but it's oh so much fun!), eating (mmm chili-cheese fries!), and playing in the water park. Not once did anyone talk about HIV

how often do you think your status needs to be brought up in the course of your job, your education, or with your friends and family? I'm living at my Mom's house and we haven't talked about me being poz in like weeks and weeks. It didn't come up with the chiropractor at this week's appt. And I didn't have to mention it when I ate out for dinner (although I did take my meds then).

However I did talk about my status on Sat ; but that's because I was working my ASO's booth at a health fair, passing out condoms and signing up people for the rapid-test that our counselors were administering.

In actuality though, I really am "out" about my status. No, I don't run around telling everyone I see about it; but when the subject comes up I don't have any fears about talking about it. My motto has always been "until you're paying my rent, the utilites and my bills, it's my life and I don't give a damn what you think about it or about me. If you want me to be whatever it is that you want me to be - then pay up. Or just shut up."

Of course, since "teh aids" killed my two partners, put me in the hospital twice, almost made me homeless 4 times, caused me to take 32 pills a day for a while, and gave me years and years of barfing, I really do have ample opportunity to talk about my status anytime I talk to anyone about my life. I don't need meds to make me remember my status either. Every day I wake up in SC instead of OH, I remember it's all because of the AIDS that killed off my last partner that my life has so changed. But good lord, if I had let HIV limit my life, I would have never fallen in love again for 10 yrs and had a second partner to have lose; and I would have probably just been dead nearly 18 years ago. The only time I let HIV limit me were the days (thank god, all in the past now) that I was hanging over the toilet puking cause of the crappy meds in the 90s. Short of that, every day I wake up is a day I defy this disease to have control over me and my life.

I think that it's different for women than for men and probably more so for gay men ... There is an attitude that we did something to deserve this ... That we have HIV for reasons beyond just an accident ... The social stigma is one of the things I find difficult at times ...

lordy, you would have never made it coming out in the 70s or early 80s in the South then. Half the reason I don't pay any attention to the "stigma" about HIV is I got passed the stigma of all those cute rednecks boys calling me a fag. ROFL If you can come out to your Baptist parents and get through the ribbing of the rednecks, a little aids-phobia ain't nothing.

Quote

I had to start meds about 3 months ago. It's kinda made me realize that I have it. Before, I could just go one with my day. Now, I have a daily reminder.

Are you having health issues or side effects issues because of HIV or the meds? If not, what's the big deal? Tons of people in America live on medications for all sort of problems. Watch TV for a few hours, see all those med commercials? well there's are tons of people popping those pills today. I'm just glad I don't have to inject myself a couple times a day like someone with diabetes. It can't be all that much fun trying to figure out how to carry syringes around with you at an amusement park. LOL

really, the only limits in your life are the limits that you put on it and the limits that you allows others to put on you. so buck up, and move ahead with your life. Figure out what you want to do now, to make your future bright and comfortable - and then go do it!

I had to start meds about 3 months ago. It's kinda made me realize that I have it. Before, I could just go one with my day. Now, I have a daily reminder. Yes, my health is fine, other than taking meds.

Maybe I am the only freak who feels that starting HAART made it all seem so much better. I've had my problems with the HAART but it also intellectually reassured me that I'm here for the long haul and can't alter much my life plans having seroconverted. I guess not all that many people have had my experience of seroconverting and also starting HAART within months. That was all so terrifying, maybe it makes sense only for me that HAART would be a relief, not constant reminder. Maybe I share this with LTS however, who finally after years felt better and got their life and future back with HAART. These days, there seems to be a general culture of negative feelings around "HAART start" as some sort of fate-sealing or doomsy event. Isn't it possible that you can rethink your emotional reaction to HAART to put it in positive, affirming, securing, light?

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I guess not all that many people have had my experience of seroconverting and also starting HAART within months. That was all so terrifying, maybe it makes sense only for me that HAART would be a relief, not constant reminder. Maybe I share this with LTS however, who finally after years felt better and got their life and future back with HAART.

I'd bet nearly 90% of any trip to the doc results in a prescription to be filled, no matter what the initial complaint was. I'll just never get why people have such a time being conflicted about the meds.

Nothing makes you feel happier about taking the meds (even something crappy like AZT, 4 every 4 hrs 7 days a wk resulting in anemia and puking) than when you're lying in a hospital, after the docs have pumped you full of antibiotics, and told you that you're still probably gonna die of PCP. That's when they hand you some pills and say "take these quick and pray that they work in time, so you don't die".

My meds, even when they were rashing me out, causing me to fall down staircases and lose my job from the dizziness, and puking EVERY damn day for months on end, have always been my friends cause even the worst of those meds has contributed to me being alive today and healthier than ever nearly 20 yrs later.

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

I worry about planning for my future ... I keep thinking things like "Why go back to school and finish my PhD?" etc ... The fear of not having insurance is terrifying to me ...

I have friends that I've known since 1991 that tested positive in 1986. They all felt that way. Back then things were much more desperate than they are now. They went out and got every credit card they could and maxed them out. Hey why not, there were only going to be around on the short term. Half are gone now (died pre-haart) the other half has filed bankruptcy. One friend in particular has been on disability for the past 10 years and is kicking himself in the butt for not finishing school.

Wow, I don't know how long you are going to live. I don't know how long you will have a high enough quality of life to do all the things that you want to. Most people are not dying of HIV anymore, but the side effects can be a kick in the a$$. You need to decide what you want to do in your life. Do you want a degree? Are you going because you enjoy learning? Do you want to spend time with friends, or do you want climb Mount Everest?

You don't want to wake up 20 years from now and have an ounce of regret.

One thought that I always have is this, If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, and HIV will have been an irrelevant part of my life, will I have any regrets in my final moments? I know it's not that cheery, but it helps me to keep things in perspective.

You know, there are days when being POZ feels freaking isolating. Worse, it also feels limiting. As in my future has been severely limited on levels I never realized before.

Just having one of the down moments.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down and I know how hard it is, to adjust to being poz, but ultimately, what other choice do you have? I say this, because I have been living with HIV for 26 years and while we cannot eradicate the HIV, we can control the toll that it takes on us. What I find useful, especially when I feel isolated or stressed, is to ask "What is the worse thing that can happen?". Asking that question, causes me to pause and really think about what the real issue involves. Many times, the answer is "nothing major", but its the pause that counts, because it breaks my train of thought and frustration. For me, it's like a mental slap upside the head. If nothing else, it brings perspective to my emotions.

Assuming you can ask the question, answering is not always easy, especially if you insist on playing the "What If" game. If you insist, on viewing every challenge and each and every permutation of events, that you can imagine, you will slowly go insane. The key to breaking through your isolation and fears, is for you to realize that you are exactly the same person today, that you were, prior to your infection. The ONLY difference is you are poz and no matter what people tell you, NOBODY deserves HIV. Do not allow others to influence how you feel about who and what you are. You have not become some monster, even if others treat you as if you are. What matters is what you believe.

You must believe that you will live a long and happy life and to plan your life accordingly. You must believe that you are a good, decent person, who just happens to have HIV. You control your thoughts, words and deeds and I urge you to never surrender those rights. If you have faith in yourself, that what you are doing will make you feel whole, then that is what you must do... because that is all that matters here, making you whole.

Might I suggest that talking with someone may be of great help to you. Therapy can provide tools and methods that you can use, when you feel out of sorts, to help regain your footing. Emotions can be very powerful and sometimes we can become our own worse enemy. Emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are. It's the actions, driven by emotions, that can have either positive or negative impacts. Just because you feel bad, does not mean there is anything wrong with you. I urge you to work at accepting things, you cannot change, to forgive yourself, if you feel you need it and to really believe that you have a future.

I caution you against allowing your past to dictate your future. Lamenting the past, prevents you from enjoying today, when today is all that we have. I hope you can find peace and realize that you are worthy of whatever life you choose, but only you can turn your dreams into reality.

Are all positive people bitches are just the ones with a low cd4 count and a high viral load ?

Nice one.

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"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Are all positive people bitches are just the ones with a low cd4 count and a high viral load ?

I know quite a few unfortunate souls, who have low CD4 counts and high viral loads and they are anything but bitches. You have a lot to learn and you may want to start by respecting those, who have survived with this disease. You seem to think this is a game, where you can disparage others and I assure you, that very few members are playing. Your comments are hurtful and deliberate and that is insulting to both the intent and members who frequent these forums.

If you expect to be a participating member here, you better learn some manners.

You've been on a bender of bitchiness for the past few days -- obviously, you didn't learn anything during your first time out. Now it's set for 30 days. See you next month. Should you decided to return and keep this up, you'll be bounced from here for good.

2 = how often do you think your status needs to be brought up in the course of your job, your education, or with your friends and family?

3 = I'm living at my Mom's house and we haven't talked about me being poz in like weeks and weeks. It didn't come up with the chiropractor at this week's appt.

4 = In actuality though, I really am "out" about my status. No, I don't run around telling everyone I see about it; but when the subject comes up I don't have any fears about talking about it.

5 = really, the only limits in your life are the limits that you put on it and the limits that you allows others to put on you. so buck up, and move ahead with your life. Figure out what you want to do now, to make your future bright and comfortable - and then go do it!

First .. I think you mean well but that was a pretty rude posting. You are workign from your perspective. Which is great for you. But your life is not mine. So please do not heap your life on my life. Ok?

1. I never said "most" .. I said "many" ... by many I mean those closest to me. Why the hell would I tell the general public?

2. With my job, more than you might realize. With my family = They don't know and I have no intention of telling them. Education? I don't understand this one

3. Great ... You are living at your mom's. Let's see, my mom disowned and disinherited me when she found out I was gay. Soooooo ... Yeah, I don't talk to my family about this.

4. Ok, you are out. Do you have a job? A child? Beyond dealing with the gay community and doing HIV/AIDS prevention work do you deal with the "outside"?

5. LOL ... I am doing just that ... As I stated this is the first time since I was DX'd that I've felt like this. Everyone has bad days.

Maybe I am the only freak who feels that starting HAART made it all seem so much better. I've had my problems with the HAART but it also intellectually reassured me that I'm here for the long haul and can't alter much my life plans having seroconverted.

Isn't it possible that you can rethink your emotional reaction to HAART to put it in positive, affirming, securing, light?

The HAART just made things a little too real for me .. That's all

But, you aren't a freak. When I started my meds I also started to feel like I had a future again. I'm not dying anytime soon. I know that.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down and I know how hard it is, to adjust to being poz, but ultimately, what other choice do you have? I say this, because I have been living with HIV for 26 years and while we cannot eradicate the HIV, we can control the toll that it takes on us. What I find useful, especially when I feel isolated or stressed, is to ask "What is the worse thing that can happen?". Asking that question, causes me to pause and really think about what the real issue involves. Many times, the answer is "nothing major", but its the pause that counts, because it breaks my train of thought and frustration. For me, it's like a mental slap upside the head. If nothing else, it brings perspective to my emotions.

I caution you against allowing your past to dictate your future. Lamenting the past, prevents you from enjoying today, when today is all that we have. I hope you can find peace and realize that you are worthy of whatever life you choose, but only you can turn your dreams into reality.

I'd bet nearly 90% of any trip to the doc results in a prescription to be filled, no matter what the initial complaint was. I'll just never get why people have such a time being conflicted about the meds.

Nothing makes you feel happier about taking the meds (even something crappy like AZT, 4 every 4 hrs 7 days a wk resulting in anemia and puking) than when you're lying in a hospital, after the docs have pumped you full of antibiotics, and told you that you're still probably gonna die of PCP. That's when they hand you some pills and say "take these quick and pray that they work in time, so you don't die".

My meds, even when they were rashing me out, causing me to fall down staircases and lose my job from the dizziness, and puking EVERY damn day for months on end, have always been my friends cause even the worst of those meds has contributed to me being alive today and healthier than ever nearly 20 yrs later.

Gee Leather ... thanks for the encouraging words ... So let me get this right? Because you have dealt with it that makes anyone elses battles unimportant? ... Just because you don't understand it or because you can't remember what those days were like because it all happened to you 20 years ago doesn't make what use relative newbies feel any less important ...

Also, you just assumed alot of things about me in that post ... I'm out .. I grew up in the south ... I've dealt with the "fag" issue and rednecks ... I grew up in the 1980-90's ...

BTW, I've seen you come on here and complain about your life. Whine about your situations. Bitch about your problems. And the times I've seen you do so, I haven't (not saying it hasn't happened) seen anyone respond like you did to me.

You don't want to wake up 20 years from now and have an ounce of regret.

One thought that I always have is this, If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, and HIV will have been an irrelevant part of my life, will I have any regrets in my final moments? I know it's not that cheery, but it helps me to keep things in perspective.

Lobo, I've used that as a guide for years when living my life ... I only regret a handful of things in my life ... The rest, I'm pretty happy with ...

I can appreciate that. I hadn't shed a single tear over being infected until the day my Dr. handed me the prescription for Atripla. Something about having to (deciding to) start HAART made it real for me too and I broke down like a child.

Now, though, I think I'm doing much better. From time to time I feel a "flash of rage" for allowing this to happen, but it is what it is. While the drugs are definitely helping against the virus, I find reading the posts in this forum and listening to what others are experiencing (and have experienced) is a significant help to my being able to cope.

Also, I remain optimistic that the scientific community is going to find a viable alternative to HAART in the not to distant future.

Gee Leather ... thanks for the encouraging words ... So let me get this right? Because you have dealt with it that makes anyone elses battles unimportant? ... Just because you don't understand it or because you can't remember what those days were like because it all happened to you 20 years ago doesn't make what use relative newbies feel any less important ..

sorry you mistook everything I wrote. I didn't write about my problems to minimize yours. I wrote about mine to put yours into perspective. Lots of people have lots of problems. You can either let them all drag you down or you can rise above them with hard work and patience.

You came here and posted your problems and my advice was to look at them another way. All of your problems are only temporary - unless you don't change your attitude about them and don't work on changing them. If you want the meds to be the enemy and something that brings you down, you're always going to be miserable. If you want to wallow in self-pity and let HIV define you, isolate you, and rule your life for the next 30+ yrs, you're more than welcome to that; but you'll never get out of the sadness and depression.

although HIV killed my two partners, brought stigma to my life, forced me to lose my job, nearly made me homeless three times, etc, etc, etc I never let it control my life or isolate me. If that's happening to you and you don't like it (and that seemed to be your complaint in this thread), then you need to change that. It doesn't happen all by itself.

perhaps you would be better off to re-read Joe's posts

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You must believe that you will live a long and happy life and to plan your life accordingly. You must believe that you are a good, decent person, who just happens to have HIV. You control your thoughts, words and deeds and I urge you to never surrender those rights. If you have faith in yourself, that what you are doing will make you feel whole, then that is what you must do... because that is all that matters here, making you whole.

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I find reading the posts in this forum and listening to what others are experiencing (and have experienced) is a significant help to my being able to cope.

I'm sorry you couldn't understand from my posts that the a positive attitude, like I used to overcome many of my problems and related to you by my experiences, is the goal you need to strive for to overcome your issues. I'm sorry that you can't understand my points that if other people have been able to get through the same issues you talked about (and even worse things), that you could too if you worked on it, changed your attitude towards the things you have no control over (like someone else's prejudism), and had patience to get through the bad times.

As I said, I'm sorry that you misunderstand the whole point to my posts, so I'll leave you to your isolation, limits and depression over the very meds that'll keep you alive, and hope that someone else can help you.

I can appreciate that. I hadn't shed a single tear over being infected until the day my Dr. handed me the prescription for Atripla. Something about having to (deciding to) start HAART made it real for me too and I broke down like a child.

Now, though, I think I'm doing much better. From time to time I feel a "flash of rage" for allowing this to happen, but it is what it is. While the drugs are definitely helping against the virus, I find reading the posts in this forum and listening to what others are experiencing (and have experienced) is a significant help to my being able to cope.

Also, I remain optimistic that the scientific community is going to find a viable alternative to HAART in the not to distant future.

"Flash of rage" ... I used to get those for my ex ... But I'm way past that ...

Honestly, Since becoming poz I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been happy, I've felt at peace, I've come to a certain amount of acceptance, I've been in shock, I've been scared, I've had alot of emotions ...

This was the first "pity party" I have actually thrown for myself ... It lasted about a week or two ... LOL ...

I don't tend to wallow in negative emotions ... No matter what people say, it's a big adjustment ... The disease was/is one thing ... The now routine dr's visits and daily meds are another ...

I think in my case the dr's visits/meds became an outward symbol that I had this ... Before when my I didn't need meds it was still internal ... In a way the dr's visits/meds became a scarlett letter ...

Another part of this is taht the public view of HIV hasn't really changed much since the 1980's. In many ways my view of HIV was shaped by that time.

I can appreciate that. I hadn't shed a single tear over being infected until the day my Dr. handed me the prescription for Atripla. Something about having to (deciding to) start HAART made it real for me too and I broke down like a child.

Now, though, I think I'm doing much better. From time to time I feel a "flash of rage" for allowing this to happen, but it is what it is. While the drugs are definitely helping against the virus, I find reading the posts in this forum and listening to what others are experiencing (and have experienced) is a significant help to my being able to cope.

Also, I remain optimistic that the scientific community is going to find a viable alternative to HAART in the not to distant future.

I was just reading an article here on poz.com about PTSD. It talks about many factors, but starting HAART was an unexpected and big factor. What you said about starting meds made me think about this article--not saying you have PTSD, but rather it made me think of the article. I found this very interesting:

Theuninck and his colleagues stated that receiving HIV treatment was both “the strongest predictor and an unexpected finding. The emotional distress evoked by receiving treatment was more highly correlated with [post-traumatic stress symptoms] than any other stressor.”

I was just reading an article here on poz.com about PTSD. It talks about many factors, but starting HAART was an unexpected and big factor. What you said about starting meds made me think about this article--not saying you have PTSD, but rather it made me think of the article. I found this very interesting:

Theuninck and his colleagues stated that receiving HIV treatment was both “the strongest predictor and an unexpected finding. The emotional distress evoked by receiving treatment was more highly correlated with [post-traumatic stress symptoms] than any other stressor.”

I didn't find that article surprising in the least, and in fact I made this proposal even with the PTSD label here in these forums several times in the past three years. And this is why I (repeatedly) suggest people be in a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) setting if they find themselves having ongoing anxiety and depression issues.

Makes a lot of sense to me ... The meds are the strongest indicator that your body is all screwed up and add that to the social stigma plus how many start to beat themselves up over having it and, yeah, I can PTSD coming about ...

Looking back I've been depressed and started takign anti-depressent and stress eating ... after I started the meds ...

I mean I'm glad that my tcells are back to normal ... In fact, I'm really healthy ...

I think the therapist idea isn't a bad one ... After reading the article, I linked a few things, including a loss of emotional control on two seperate occasions recently which is really really not like me ... I actually yelled in one of them and I rarely raise my voice ...

Taking the meds has actually been harder on me than finding out I had hiv ...

Indeed. For me, not yet on meds, going to the clinic to get blood drawn every three months is a powerful reminder that I have HIV. During the couple of weeks between that event and then going to see my doctor and find out the result, HIV is dramatically present in my life. The rest of the time, I tend to half forget about it.

I can easily imagine that after starting meds, there might be a period during which just taking the pill or pills every day would be a powerful and unpleasant reminder. But I would hope that after a while that would go away; taking that pill would just become part of the routine and I wouldn't think about it much. I hope that happens for you, soon!

I have a friend who got diabetes not long ago. She has to do something--prick her finger and find out her blood sugar level, I think--several times a day. She said--this was still early on--that she did it most of the time, but sometimes she deliberately refrained from doing it. She said that every time she did it, it was as if a voice was screaming at her: "you are a diabetic!" "you have diabetes!" and that, in order to escape that voice, she sometimes just avoided the finger prick.

I wonder if something similar could explain some non-adherence to meds on the part of some people with HIV. Of course the stakes are vastly different. I don't think that pricking your finger twice a day instead of three times would have anything like the consequences for a diabetic which skipping meds would have for someone with HIV. But the psychology might be the same.

Anyway, that's a step towards an attempt to figure out why "the emotional distress evoked by receiving treatment was more highly correlated with [post-traumatic stress symptoms] than any other stressor.”

Statistics show a high rate of depression in people with HIV, and yes they also show it contributes to adherence issues. However, I'd wager that half of those studied were in denial about it and thus seek no mental health treatment.

I even know a local guy who was a LTS and psychologist treating other for depression and adherence issues who then decided to secretly stop his meds and check out of life. It can happen to the best of us.

For what its worth, I can truly relate to the isolated feelings. Some days are ok, but others are very hard, you just feel like you have to keep completely to yourself and not get close to anyone because of the HIV stigmas. It is very isolating. I am going to look into a support group at the clinic maybe that can help me not feel so alone with this. I hope I can come to better terms with my status mentally, now that physically I am being treated and doing ok. If nothing else, hopefully I will meet people who are open minded and accepting of it, and not run the other way immediantly when you tell them, like many seem to do. Wish everyone good luck who is going through this same thing.

Indeed. For me, not yet on meds, going to the clinic to get blood drawn every three months is a powerful reminder that I have HIV. During the couple of weeks between that event and then going to see my doctor and find out the result, HIV is dramatically present in my life. The rest of the time, I tend to half forget about it.

I can easily imagine that after starting meds, there might be a period during which just taking the pill or pills every day would be a powerful and unpleasant reminder. But I would hope that after a while that would go away; taking that pill would just become part of the routine and I wouldn't think about it much. I hope that happens for you, soon!

I have a friend who got diabetes not long ago. She has to do something--prick her finger and find out her blood sugar level, I think--several times a day. She said--this was still early on--that she did it most of the time, but sometimes she deliberately refrained from doing it. She said that every time she did it, it was as if a voice was screaming at her: "you are a diabetic!" "you have diabetes!" and that, in order to escape that voice, she sometimes just avoided the finger prick.

I wonder if something similar could explain some non-adherence to meds on the part of some people with HIV. Of course the stakes are vastly different. I don't think that pricking your finger twice a day instead of three times would have anything like the consequences for a diabetic which skipping meds would have for someone with HIV. But the psychology might be the same.

Anyway, that's a step towards an attempt to figure out why "the emotional distress evoked by receiving treatment was more highly correlated with [post-traumatic stress symptoms] than any other stressor.”

In the couple weeks leading up to the next time I get my bloodwork done, I notice my anxiety goes up. It usually stays that way until I get the results. My doc moved my appointment back to 4 months instead of 3. I'm still getting my bloodwork done on the same schedule, which will be this Friday. He said I could get my results when they become available and then we'd discuss them at the appointment. I always feel my numbers are going to be really bad.

I know I want to make the decision to start meds before I'm told I have to start. I hope I have the courage to do that and not wait around until I'm told, "Your immune system is no longer able to keep the virus in check and you need to start meds now." I think being "forced" to start will cause me so much anxiety and worries. Another thing that worries me about living with HIV not on meds is that I've gotten use to living with this virus and not taking meds. I think when I do start, it will really hit home. However, I do think that I will probably feel so much better physically on meds that I will be glad I started. I hope I feel so good that I ask myself why I didn't just start sooner.

Yep, during my first year with this when i'd have to go have blood work done I would get really angry (espically at my ex - would stand in teh shower and think about killing him for this) all week and a nightmare on the day it happened .. then, after a year it just became normal and those feelings stopped ...

As I tend to be a normally optimistic, happy person, my guess is that after a time I'll begin to be fine about this as well ...

Thanks for all the posts ...

I really wasn't looking for any info when I posted .. Truthfully, I just wanted to bitch and whine for a second or two LOL ... But the PSTD related information is great ... I think it explains some of this .... Thanks for that in particular ...

You know, there are days when being POZ feels freaking isolating. Worse, it also feels limiting. As in my future has been severely limited on levels I never realized before.

Just having one of the down moments.

Well you go ahead and have those moments, Yet remember that it is what it is and you got it and can not get rid of it so live with it and get over it. I have been since 89 and well I do get down at times. Yet so do all the humans of the world. What you think just cause they are negative they do not have down lifeless lonely days that make them feel that whats the use I am a piece of nothing. Bro you got to be kidding me if you think only HIV/AIDS folks go through ISOLATION! It is part of what humans do in life to pull back look at the most negative aspects of their life and bounce back cause they know they can. It is science that calls it depression and gives out pills !

Are all positive people bitches are just the ones with a low cd4 count and a high viral load ?

Now did your really expect not one POZ person to say some thing to you about this statement you made. Yeah you are correct a lot of POZ folks are bitches when it comes to certain things in life! Well hey it pumps up the energy and keeps us going. We do not want to just wallow away in a corner and die. SO we fight with our mouths and here we get to spew our anger as well as our bitchiness! I would not call any one on here bitchy because I only know them from here and I do not post much, yet I read alot of them. So in what right would I have to call some one from NYC bitchy when I only know their words and not them humanly as well as personally!Just figured I would point out a few of my opinions and things to think about ! NO DISRESPECT INTENDED!