The Right is Dark and Full of Terrors

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Instead of nominating candidates that appeal to a wide variety of Americans, Republicans decide they want to appeal to voters who already agree with them. Voters who listen to the radio during the middle of the workday.

If you thought the 2008 Republican Presidential Primary was a circus, put on your waders, because the elephant dung is everywhere. On MaddowBlog, Steve Benen talks about why that is:

“Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus isn’t backing down from his threats to cut NBC and CNN out of hosting 2016 presidential primary debates, unless they agree to scrap plans to air specials on Hillary Clinton. I think this has more to do with Priebus wanting fewer debates, and he’s using the Clinton productions as a pretense, but he’s nevertheless not budging.”

Okay. Less debates is probably in the best interest of the Republican Party. The less the public is exposed to glassy-eyed Stepford candidates and Southern Baptist Ayatollahs, the more likely they are to be fooled by one of these right-wing svengalis.

Tell us, GOP strategists, who you want to be the moderators. Who will save the Republican Party from straying further and further to the irreconcilable Right? Washington Examiner has the scoop:

“Miffed that their candidates were singled out for personal questions or CNN John King’s “This or That,” when he asked candidates quirky questions like “Elvis or Johnny Cash,” GOP insiders tell Secrets that they are considering other choices, even a heavyweight panel of radio bigs Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Mark Levin.”

Oh. Good. God. Limbaugh, Hannity, and Levin? Is this real-life or this fantasy? I’ve had dreams like this, but I never thought they would come true. This just proves that if you eat well, pay your taxes, are kind to animals, then sometimes the universe sees fit to bless you.

Limbaugh. Hannity. Levin. The list gets more right-wing the farther right it goes on the page. Limbaugh is a bloviating neanderthal, but he knows that and he plays it up for his audience. There’s a small chance that he’ll ask some entertaining questions, most of them softballs, to the candidates. I think that for all of his blustering and chest-thumping, that he’s actually a company man and he would try to do what was in the best interest of the GOP. That being, nominating sensible candidates who can actually appeal to someone other than Limbaugh, Hannity, and Levin.

Hannity. Hannity’s a fool. He’ll ask the kinds of questions that Michelle Malkin thinks are hard-hitting. How will you repeal Obamacare? Which brown people will we kill next? Is Obama’s presidential library a mosque? He’s an ideological purist who calls himself a “registered conservative”, but my heart says that he’s voted straight Republican Party ticket in every election. Either way, he’s too dumb to be trusted with the microphone. I don’t think he knows what moderation is because he has so completely lost sight of the center. Limbaugh may be the loudest, but due to the revolving door of wingnuts, dingbats, and dumbasses, Hannity is the ringleader of the Republican circus. He defiles the English language four hours a day, five days a week creating a firm core to the echo chamber.

Levin. Levin would sink the ship on purpose. He’s a pirate. If the RNC were stupid enough to let Mark Levin ask the questions, they would never see the inside of the Oval Office again. Levin is on the Republican ship because he hates the left-wing, but what they don’t realize is that he’s ordering a full-speed attack on Democrats, damn the torpedoes; if they don’t capitulate, then he’ll just sink the Republican ship, too. Mark Levin is an ideological purist in a way that gains the respect of religious fundamentalists. He is a fundamentalist, praying to the U.S. Constitution. Any slight against it is heresy. Levin is Republican’s pet wolf that they think is a dog.

From Limbaugh’s gruff cigar-gravelled sexism, to Hannity’s hair-on-fire search for the “truth” about Obama’s “scandals”, to Levin’s hellfire-and-brimstone screeching, the American people can’t lose. Journalists’ careers will be made off these debates. Comedians will no longer have to write jokes. Jon Stewart’s hair will stop graying and return to brown. The oceans will cease to rise. The polar ice caps will cease to melt. Nickelback will cease to exist. Lastly, a Democrat will win in 2016 by simple virtue of being sane.