Brad: [reading Lester's job assessment] "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself.Lester Burnham: Brad, for 14 years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.

Lester Burnham: I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast.Jim Olmeyer: Are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want increased strength and flexibility as well?Lester Burnham: I wanna look good naked!

Carolyn Burnham: Lester, you're going to spill beer on the couch.Lester Burnham: Relax, it's just a couch! Carolyn Burnham: This is a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. It is not just a couch.Lester Burnham: [screaming] It's just a couch!