Home and Away, and Absolutely Nothing To Do With Prisoner Cell Block H

There are no values or respect in society anymore: nobody gives up their seat on the bus for an old lady, chivalry disappeared along with Bobby Charlton's fringe, and while once upon a time the man next door was your friend, your confidant and your wife's bit on the sly, these days people are more likely to shove thy neighbour. Take Arsene Wenger with Spurs: he nicked their swaggering style, their best player and, last season, their Big Cup place. And he's lost only once in 22 over-the-back-garden-fence kickabouts.

But Wenger may be about to foist an even greater humiliation upon the man next door - by dumping Spurs out of the Carling Cup with his reserves. The first leg, at White Hart Lane, is tonight, and Wenger is unlikely to drop the likes of Theo Walcott, Julio Baptista, Abou Diaby and Denilson. "It is very difficult to say 'Listen you are good enough to beat Liverpool, but you are not good enough to play at Tottenham'," said Wenger, contradicting himself by saying it perfectly. "They deserve it. They have earned the right."

Tottenham can't really win - if they win, they've beaten a reserve team; if they lose, they'll have to hide their humiliation with a N17 version of 'You'll Never Walk Alone' - and Arsenal can't really lose. But Spurs boss Tony Soprano begs to differ. "Their second team is probably as strong as any side outside of the top four," he tubtapped meekly to Dr Melfi. "You can go on about a kids' team all you like but this is definitely not just a kids' team, capeesh?" Jol remains desperate to end Spurs' eight-year wait for a trophy, mind. "It is the only thing in football. Are you potential winners or are you average? That is what we have to find out." He should be careful what he wishes for.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Monday marked the 100th birthday of Everton legend and Hall of Fame inductee Dixie Dean. Author Robert Galvin explains why William Ralph Dean remains a living legend in the world of football" - the introduction to a current Football 365 feature on a living legend ... who died in 1980.

*********************

THE YOUNG ONES

Oh look, it's former midfield genius Michel Platini! See how his tousled hair floats freely in the breeze! Marvel at his pretty daisy chains, his fair trade cigarettes, his collection of Amazonian wood-carvings and his earnest expression as he reveals that - let's not mince our words - peace is good and war is bad. Wouldn't it be fabulous if he won this Friday's Uefa presidential election by beating the other candidate, grotesque 587-year-old greedhead, Lennart Johannson the Hut?

Of course it would. Just listen to Platini's meticulous manifesto: "Being president of Uefa means doing everything possible to ensure that the light of innocence and wonder a football inspires in the eyes of a child never goes out." What a lovely man! Want specifics? Well, he's says he's opposed to racism, has no truck with doping, will tackle "various forms of fraud" and, no doubt, really likes animals and trees.

What's more, a few years ago he vowed to smash powerful clubs' stranglehold on European competitions by making Big Cup a straight knockout tournament again, and, just so even Spurs have a chance of European glory, re-introducing the Cup Winners' Cup. Since then, he's tweaked that proposal so that his radical revamp now entails keeping everything exactly as it is, except for restricting each country to a maximum of three - rather than four - Big Cup places each. But hey, he still hollers words like 'solidarity' and 'equality' around and almost has long hair so he's got to be a righteous dude. And, of course, he's got the enthusiastic backing of that renowned defender of the little guy against corporate conquest, Fifa's Sepp Blatter.

Still, the Fiver can't help wishing there was more meat to Platini's sloganeering. His lack of specifics allows Johansson to claim that his 17-year reign has been a dazzling success and that the money which has poured into the game from the group stages of Big Cup has wrought no imbalances whatsoever. The enormous Swede's even appeared little-country friendly by throwing his gargantuan weight behind Scotland's ridiculous proposal to expand the European Championship to 24 countries. Surveys say it's neck and neck between the incumbent and his uppity challenger ahead of Friday's showdown. Want to know who the FA will be voting for on your behalf? Your trusty Fiver tried to find out: "It's a secret ballot and we won't be declaring our hand either before or afterwards," snorted a helpful spokesman. Johansson it is, then.

*********************

TABLE FOOTBALL UPDATE

Yesterday we asked for a highly skilled volunteer to make up the numbers on our c(r)ack table football team for tonight's fancy media tournament in London's trendy Bar Kick. You wrote in your droves, but in the interests of equality, trendy pinko-liberalism, mungbean-munching sandal-wearing and absolutely nothing else, we've decided to choose a lady who has long been a friend of the Fiver ...

"I should play because I've got some really tight jeans that will distract the opposition, leaving the highly-skilled players and Rob Smyth free to score at will. Oh and I'm not too bad at table football having spent all of Christmas playing with my nephew. Will you be getting a round in?" - Helen Tomkins.

*********************

THE RUMOUR MILL

Martin Jol will turn to Kieran Richardson to help him get over the pain of being rejected by Stewart Downing.

With Stuart Pearce's psycho tendencies on the wane, Manchester City will turn to Spurs' stropster Mido to bolster their touchline tantrum quota.

Sam Allardyce is close to a deal for St. Etienne defender Fousseni Diawara (us neither, but apparently he's a Mali international).

And, after approximately 693 days of posturing, Milan suits have finally opened talks with Real Madrid over Brazil gobbler Ronaldo.

* * * * * * * * * * *

STILL WANT MORE?

You mistakenly thought it was John Motson's commentary - now find out what really causes that annoying droning noise at Eastern European football matches in The Knowledge.

Champion of the little guy, David Conn, reveals that the Football League has finally started fighting for its share of TV income.

Little guy James Richardson drops a division to Serie B to find an Italian Old Lady in rude health.

And in tomorrow's £0.70 Berliner Big Paper: bone up on your culture in the world's greatest Film and Music supplement, Page 12 Stunnah Marina Hyde on Joey Barton's talents as a literary critic, and there's more pussy on show than in your average rhythm mag with our exclusive free Cats wallchart.

* * * * * * * * * * *

OI, LARDY! JOIN EAT RIGHT AND BOUNCE UP AND DOWN FOR FREE

Join Eat Right, the Guardian's healthy eating club from just GBP2.99 a week before 31st January 2007 and we'll send you a free trampoline worth £19.99.

* * * * * * * * * * *

NEWS IN BRIEF

Atletico Madrid have been fined by the Spanish Football Federation after their fans racially abused Osasuna striker Pierre Webo and threw batteries at a linesman during last Saturday's La Liga match. Atletico, who were fined twice last season for crowd trouble, were also warned they may be forced to play matches behind closed doors if any further incidents occur.

The Beckham publicity machine has continued its assault on America with the unveiling of Posh & Becks waxworks at the Madame Tussauds in New York. Apparently the dummies will be on show in the Big Apple for a fortnight, although the Fiver has no idea how long the waxworks will be on display.

Who cares about the Beckhams though? Goldenballs's stateside switch has nothing on today's transfer splash - news that Everton reserve Simon Davies has signed for Fulham until 2010.

Battle of the Madejski update: Reading coach Wally Downes will face an improper conduct charge but Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock won't for their respective parts in Saturday's handbags. However Keith Gillespie will be suspended until roughly 2049 (OK, more like March 31) after admitting to an FA charge of violent conduct. Oh, and both teams have been charged for failing to control their players.

* * * * * * * * * *

FIVER LETTERS

"Your London-centric, anti-Home Counties hellhole bias has resurfaced. Mere days ago, Luton was the worst town in Britain - yet in yesterday Fiver it was only mentioned as the biggest dump in Southern England. Why the sudden demotion when the town has worked so hard at maintaining the only accolade it has ever won? What next, extolling the virtues of Stevenage as a tourist destination, not calling for the bombs to rain down on Slough?" - Anthony Blandford.

"Should someone else come in with a larger offer for Birmingham's much coveted centre-half and gazump West Ham, would this be a case of one-Upson-ship?" - Mark Rainey.

"It's good to see Claudio Reyna is following in David Beckham's footsteps by heading to America for 'family reasons', and not because he's a washed up has-been who can no longer cut it at the top level" - Nathan Ullah (A bit harsh seeing as he's American - Fiver Ed).

"As a Poppies fan, and in advance of the inevitable backlash against the Fiver's anti-Kettering prejudice, can I simply say that Big Ron doesn't even know the meaning of 'lazy' until he's seen some of our undoubtedly-gifted-but-can't-really-be-bothered midfield amble around on a Saturday afternoon. Yes I'm talking to you Andre Boucard" - Simon Richardson.

"I think your piece on Ron Atkinson and Kettering (yesterday's Fiver) was awful and how you got a job I will never know. You are the racist one IMO. I take it you are the one who also wrote s*** about Gazza and then tried to interview us at Alfreton and then got told where to go, despite your brown-nosing towards us?" - Ross Patrick.

"As any self-respecting Half Man Half Biscuit fan will tell you, it's not the Book of Revelations (yesterday's Fiver), it's the Book of Revelation, without an 's'" - Alistair Moffat.

"Simon Barron (winner of yesterday's letter of the day, Tuesday) must be kicking himself. While today's best letter will receive tickets to Brazil v Portugal, he gets a CD of mood music, endorsed by Noel Edmonds. Thems the breaks, as Robbie Savage said" - Matt Rutherford.