If I come off as spoiled or immature... I don’t even care, honestly. I’m sick of apologizing. For the 5th time this year, I got shit on for rejecting a guy I simply wasn’t into. Both by the guy himself and by other people.

I’ve come to resent this. Why the hell should I be shamed for not reciprocating someone else’s feelings? It isn’t intentional. I didn’t choose to not feel the same way and I didn’t choose for them to feel that way. Am I supposed to conjure up some secret magic potion to desire things I don’t? Never got the recipe for that. Or maybe my desires just don’t mean shit and I’m supposed to force myself on the guy. Am I that horrible for not wanting to?

Sure, these guys might have been “good” guys. They might have wanted to do things for me. They might even been out of my league as one of them wouldn’t stop reminding me. If I don’t want a guy in that way, there’s nothing I can do about that. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

Edit: I’m shocked (and so happy) that so many people agree with me! I really expected to be bashed or deemed narcissistic. Thank you guys so much.

Edit: Thanks sweet stranger for my very first silver!!! 😄

Edit: Gold?! Platinum?!?! 🤯Thank you thank you thank you!

I’ve come to resent this. Why the hell should I be shamed for not reciprocating someone else’s feelings? It isn’t intentional. I didn’t choose to not feel the same way and I didn’t choose for them to feel that way. Am I supposed to conjure up some secret magic potion to desire things I don’t? Never got the recipe for that, sorry. Or maybe my desires just don’t mean shit and I’m supposed to force myself on the guy. Am I that horrible for not wanting to?

Sure, these guys might have been “good” guys. They might have wanted to do things for me. They might even been out of my league as one of them wouldn’t stop reminding me of. If I don’t want a guy in that way, there’s nothing I can do about that. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

If I come off as spoiled or immature... I don’t even care, honestly. I’m sick of apologizing. For the 5th time this year, I got shit on for rejecting a guy I simply wasn’t into. Both by the guy himself: “you’re a piece of shit for not giving a shot to a guy who’d do anything for you.” And by other people: “he obviously really likes you. Why is it so hard to give him a chance?”.

I’ve come to feel resentful. Why the hell should I be shamed for not reciprocating someone else’s feelings? It isn’t intentional. I didn’t choose to not feel the same way and I didn’t choose for them to feel that way. Am I supposed to conjure up some secret magic potion to desire things I don’t? Never got the recipe for that, sorry. Or maybe my desires just don’t mean shit and I’m supposed to force myself on the guy. Am I that horrible for not wanting to?

Yep. I read /r/niceguys and similar subs about incels and the like as a guilty pleasure when bored. The one thing I find very telling is that they all seem to have a sense of entitlement about sex and relationships and the moment they express that they have lost any kind of moral high ground they could've ever had. Whenever I may have a doubt if a guy on there is really bad enough to be on that sub, they turn around and pull that shit out every single time, and it just proves that they're shitheads.

Mmmm.... I like these subjects even if I don't read that much but I'm pretty sure Emotional Intelligence mentioned an instance of it being taught or at least guiding a person to it.

It mentioned something about having an individual who lacked empathy imagine some kind of bad situation for someone, and then having them imagine they were the ones actually in that situation. I haven't read more on the subject, but I do think (or at least hope) that we can be thought or at least guided to it.

I believe it can be taught if the person is open to learning. My daughter F20, has Asperger syndrome and this is something I worked on with her from an early age. She still struggles with it, as it will never come naturally, but she is open to discussing situations as they occur. I am naturally very empathetic so it has been a very interesting experience teaching her how to stop and try to process not just her own thoughts and emotions, but the other person's also.

Aspergers here as well, finding it VERY difficult to accept every single day that you cannot classify people and foresee their reaction to certain situations. The other thing that is very difficult to me is to notice when i have to explain myself because it seems natural to me that people know what I’m thinking...

As a guy, the majority of the guys that post over there piss me off. First, whenever a guy says "I'm a nice guy" in context to dating or getting a girlfriend, it immediately tells me that he's probably not. Those are the first guys to get irrationally pissed off if a woman rejects them and immediately starts criticizing her. Those assholes feel like they're owed something.

Just remember that a goodly amount of threads in both subreddit's are total bullshit.

And that women aren't inherently better than men just for being women. We feel like we should be in no small part to being delegated the role of the "heart" and "moral compass" for the past thousand years.

The downside to equality, is that our worst is just as bad as theirs. (but keep expecting better, the goal is to live up to that expectation)

It's a fundamental failure of humanity. Race, sex, religion, etc: many of us ascribe a character trait that should be an individual judgment instead to an entire group. Illogical and immoral. Yet done constantly by many people nonetheless. And from that original sin, much suffering in this world comes forth.

I try to actively break the boxes others use to describe their fellow humans as I see, much like you, that they are responsible for great discontent. We don't need boxes we just need better use of language.

yeah, but using the term original sin because it's familiar and poetic but then misconstruing it to mean something personal and separate from ideas it's well understood to represent is kind of counterintuitive tbh. and also, yes, religion does sort of own the word sin, which is normally only defined under religious structures.

Yes but "original sin" is a specific phrase with a specific meaning which does not suit the context of what you wrote. But other than that your comment was solid. The commenter was just trying to communicate that.

The one thing I find very telling is that they all seem to have a sense of entitlement about sex and relationships and the moment they express that they have lost any kind of moral high ground they could've ever had.

This is a problem that American culture has rather than those dudes in particular. Our culture via movies/tv shows/music etc suggest that sex is easy to get and everyone is doing it.

That mutates in the minds of many men(and women) as 'I'm owed sex'. Ironically, its the people who manage to have sex lives who are protected from the mutation. Its the people who can't who it takes hold of.

There's also the story that Hollywood sells quiet "good" guys: be nice and you'll get the hot girl because what's inside matters.

I never dove head first into the nice guy mindset, but I remember in high school thinking girls would like me if they gave me a chance. But then I grew up enough to get some confidence and never went back, but I can understand why other guys fall into that trap. You're fed that story a fair amount in media.

Tank teemo. He has this very effective aggro effect that pulls the enemy team towards him, away from objectives......at least that has been my experience when ever I played teemo. I was the enemies chew toy.

I’m kinda torn on the Tormund train. He kept making advances toward Brienne and she never reciprocated, but never explicitly said she wasn’t interested. Then another man had to step in before Tormund backed off with little fanfare.

He only backed off because she never specifically said she wasn't interested and left it up to him to figure it out by realising she was into someone else. I am sure if she'd said 'sorry dude no' at any point he'd have backed off but still celebrated her successes all the same as him having to figure it out via Jamie. It was so refreshing to see a man so secure in himself and willing to take setbacks in his stride given how the show started.

I quietly hoped Jamie would make a move, not respect her and for her to be like nah I'll take the guy who appreciates me as a person not as a prize. But oh well crying in a courtyard instead. I guess we all go through that.

Well said. And even if you do give them a shot, I promise it'll go down in flames no matter what. Because your gut feeling on the person won't change, especially after they've pressured you. And they won't be nice after the breakup, either, because they're clearly acting entitled to you before you even start dating. It's basically lose/lose.

I had a coworker ask me out. We got along and made great friends but said no because the physical attraction wasnt there. He said ok but still would casually mention how we sould go out. Eventually he wore me down to give him a chance. It lasted a month. Didnt even kiss hardly held hands i just physically wasnt interested and broke it off. Fast forward a bit and he over hears me talking to another coworker about another crappy date i went on and he got sooo huffy saying "well if you just would have given me a chance!" Literally made a scene at work. From then on he would make me feel like shit. Make me feel and seem dumb just the works. Then my manager was a dick too but pretty much i quit on the spot eventually and he was apart of my "fuck all of you!" Speech when I was finally out the doors and tossing my keys to the store at the feet of my manager. Then he found me on okcupid and messaged me saying he missed out friendship. Fuck off dude.

Yup. Maaaybe an apology for not being interested, if that. Otherwise, you don't owe us an explanation or an excuse, a chance for romance or sex, nor a chance to just be friends if we ask. And maybe I'm only speaking for myself, but you don't even owe us your time. If you're not interested, that should be a dealbreaker and it should be a clear sign for us to move on

I would revise this -- you might say you are sorry, but I would hope it's because something someone wanted didn't work out for them (regret) not apology (implying that the speaker did something wrong for which they want to atone). So one might say "I'm sorry (this didn't work out for you"), and not mean "I'm sorry (I don't want to and I feel bad about that)". Short version: I don't think there's anything to apologize for.

What do you recommend the guy do in the situation moving forward? He got rejected, he moved on. But he doesn't know why. It could be he is doing something wrong, but its not like women have the responsibility to give a detailed dissertation of everything the guy did wrong if he did anything wrong.

TLDR: Given that women don't owe men an explanation for reject, how does a guy successfully move on and not get rejected for the same reason in the future?

Nope you should not feel bad at all. I’m disappointed in your friends/other people for giving you shit.

I’ve recently made friends with a group of people and I was interested in potentially dating one of the girls. So I asked her out and we went on a date but afterwards she was blunt with me (big fan of people speaking their mind) and said that she wasn’t looking to date anyone and was good just being on her own. I totally respect that and I’m glad she said something! I’m still friends with her and hang out with that group of friends. No hard feelings at all.

It's two seperate things really, the guy being rejected is essentially trying too hard to save face after rejection and acts like an arse,the friends probably have that compulsion that nearly everyone seems to have to enforce that no one should be single.

ARE YOU SEEING SOMEONE! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DATE! WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED! WHEN ARE YOU HAVING KIDS!

Slightly off topic, but do you get offended, ever-so-slightly annoyed, or think less of someone who asks you if you have kids? I work in an environment where I frequently talk to middle-aged women, and I never know if it's "bad form" to ask if someone has kids. I innocently asked someone once who didn't have kids, and they seemed to feel the need to justify their lack of kids in an almost defensive manner.

I personally don't, but I know some childfree people find it intrusive. It can also be awkward. I asked a guy I didn't know at work very well how many kids he had and it turned out his daughter had died young. People might have fertility issues or experienced pregnancy losses. I've learned to let people lead with that. Usually people who have kids will mention them.

When my younger sister got married, I told my mother if any 'old aunties' made any kind of comment like that to me, I was going to tell them I was gay. (I'm not.)

Just to qualify, I don't care about/ judge/ insert whatever about someone's sexual orientation, I just figured it would be a perfect conversation killer with certain people. They didn't actually come - & gave shitty, family drama crap reasons. Judgment of them was totally fair.

Totally awesome that you took it well. I would like to say that once a person says they are fine on their own, a person should respect that. That doesn't mean to ask to be their fwbs or fuck buddy since she said she doesnt want to date!

...just had this happen and while I appreciate the way he handled things it made me think people can be so selfish. There's a lot more to the story than that, but yeah.

Women can initiate more. They can do the approaching instead of the self proclaiming of hating that men hit on you when straight men only have women to choose from. Why do you hate when men do that if they have no choice but to hit on female if they want a partner? Why is it so wrong to want a partner?

Wow! Sounds exactly like my buddy who recently went through this. I had to keep pounding into his head that 'she' (the girl he was sorta talking to) doesn't owe him anything. She doesn't need to give him a chance just because of the initial spark that died away. He wouldn't understand.

Well her friends might have her best interest, maybe they are saying give this guy a try, but mean give a guy like this a try. They see a pattern and want the best for there friend, that makes them good friends. At the end of the day it's an individual choice but if I gave a guy friend who dates great human beings then I'm not likely to judge them. I bet if we heard her friends side of the story we would see this in a different light.

Listen no reason to be defensive, I'm trying to point out that we are hearing a small part of the story, the guy himself is ridiculous, but to call the other people assholes without more information is not in her best interest. She may date guys that are horrible to her and they want her to value herself more. If your saying there aren't men and women who put themselves in a cycle of abusive relationships then your kidding yourself. If I'm dating good people for me, the this people prob won't tell me to try out a nicer person, so depending who these "other people" are, they might be trying to help her and we are all encouraging her to date someone that is really not good for her in the long run.

I caved to pressure and dated a guy who was "super nice" and someone I should just "give a chance" to. In the 8 months we were together I just ever felt into him. I thought he would grow on me and never did. I hated when he even touched me. It just felt off. But people kept telling me how great he was so I kept trying.

Finally a co-worker called me out and was like, put the dude out of his misery and just break up with him. Me giving him a chance in spite of how I truly felt just made things worse for both of us in the end.

Somewhere on Reddit, I once replied to a guy complaining about not being given a chance and asked him what his idea of a chance was. A date, he said, getting to know each other and being able to kiss the date "to see where things will go". I asked him why he thought he should be able to kiss someone on the first date and what would happen if the date made it clear she didn't want to be kissed. "That's bullshit" was the sum of his reply. He simultaneously thought that he can guilt trip someone into a date, "a chance", but also felt that by agreeing to go on said date the girl was leading him on if she didn't even allow him to kiss her.

Blows my mind to try to figure out how the mind of someone like that works. Just goes to show that not giving someone you have no feelings or attraction (emotional, not just physical) to "a chance" is the best course of action.

To be fair, if a guy is complaining about not being given a chance, chances are he is incapable of manipulation and will just make for an uncomfortable and horrendous date experience for the both of them. It takes a certain amount of desperation to beg for a chance.

Honestly the biggest put off is how much they complain on how rejected they are. I was with a guy that was handsome but short. He was my height though, which is short, but ive never cared about height ive even been with guys 4 inches shorter than me. Anywaywe had similar ibterest and could have gotten along but my god i got sooo tired of hearing him complain how short he was and how women never looked at him while im sitting there waiting for the date to end. He blew up when i said there wouldnt be a second. "Its because im short isnt it!?" Yeah, a little. Only cuz i dont wanna hear about it anymore. The guy that was shorter than me totally owned it and was confident and super chill.

In general, it's difficult for people to admit their fault. It tends to be easier to blame misfortune or inaction on circumstances, other people, or any other factors rather than that you're self-sabotaging or preventing yourself from improving. However, I think everyone is guilty of doing that to a certain extent.

Hell, the people I meet like that, I tend to remember because they serve as a good reminder of how I come across when I do the same, and why not to do that.

That's fucking nasty. Kisses aren't fun for someone who's not into the other person. I know, I've endured dates like that and gagged into the kisses and honestly it's being pressured to put up stakes for a bad-odds gamble where you don't even like the prize.

A person's "chance" is the way they chose to present themselves and how they chose to approach me and who they chose to be. Sometimes you're just not going to be what someone wants, and that's okay.

As for the "you might find out you like them" thing, if that's going to happen it can happen without pushing a date on a person; you can just exist peripherally to that person, let them get to know you in a platonic context and try to be an interesting person for them.

Thing is, that's much more likely to happen only likely to happen for someone who is cool with being turned down---a guy who'd rather take no for an answer than score a date with a girl who doesn't want him has a sort of self-assurance and moral courage that are high-key, objectively valuable even if he isn't a person you want to date, whereas a guy who wants "his chance" to turn a no into a yes and considers this more important than the autonomy and comfort of someone he supposedly "likes" is displaying neediness, parasitic tendencies, low self-esteem (shown by a need for external validation from this specific girl), selfishness, and what seems very like a gambling addiction.

Specifically, they seem to want both the spinning-the-roulette-wheel high of trying for success against the odds and spending that time believing they might win, and also the feeling of anger and betrayal at being "cheated" when they put all that effort and money in and still didn't win. It's like a little mini-break from being angry, bitter singles, and then they go right back to it with some more "I did a great job, women are just unreasonable" ammunition for their next internet rant.

Honestly, the instant they try to guilt you into retracting your refusal, they become a case of "Even if I did like you, I wouldn't date you now that you've tried to do that." Because all they've done is display that they'll be a major nuisance any time you have boundaries or preferences that inconvenience them, and somebody who does that doesn't get to claim "a chance" because they've fucking flung it to the floor and shattered it.

I didn't even want to go on date 1. Or 2. Or 3. But everytime I voiced my disinterest I was told to keep giving him a chance. He knew so many of the same people I did and I kept hearing how much he liked me.

I should have said no from the get go. Why do I have to go on a date with anyone I don't want to? I genuinely liked the guy as a person and enjoyed his company, but wasn't romantically interested. But I kept being told that he'd grow on me and those feelings would come. That was a lie.

The only person you owe it to is yourself. I find it interesting to meet new people and that certain things can make people more attractive and spark chemistry when it is one on one and not in a group. Or just to meet interesting people.

You definitely don't owe it to anyone to go on a date. I am just saying that in the case of you giving someone a chance (not compulsory)

Did I miss the memo on what a "chance" was? I thought it was 1-2 dates. As in, if you still feel nothing after the first/second date, then you got to know the person but chemistry wasn't there. That's why friends tell each other to give something a chance, because you won't know you don't like it until you try it. It's not marriage at first date.

Another guy here.
-If a guy tells you that THEY are out of your league, they're just assholes who think they're better than you.
-If a guy, who might be deemed as a 'good guy', is giving you shit for rejecting him, he isn't a good guy. That's just his cover. A good guy would understand.
It sounds like you're dodging bullets and are starting to get good at it lol.

I mean, unofficially leagues are definitely a thing, because objective beauty is a thing (to a point) and people do select others based on theirs.

It's just, if you are actually aware of it and actively try to "move up" you're probably a really sad person, and if you're the type of person to actually talk about it out loud you're most definitely a real shithead.

If a guy tells a girl he’s “out of their league” after being rejected, he probably doesn’t truly believe it. He’s probably compensating for the fact that he is embarrassed and his self esteem is very low. (But In some cases, he’s ACTUALLY an asshole who thinks he’s the shit and can’t understand why he was rejected lmao) It’s the same when the roles are reversed.

I had this happen to a friend of mine but genders were swapped. Girl liked my male friend and everyone was telling him that he should give her a chance because she likes him and I remember him saying,

“Uhhh I don’t know... I don’t really like her to be honest. I don’t know anything about her”.

A lot of people egged him on saying that oh you might find out you like her, you never know what would happen, etc.

My friend is one of the best people in the world I’ve ever met. He struggles from ADHD and high energy but he’s one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. Unfortunately because of this he is a pushover and has problems saying no. He ended up dating this girl that he didn’t really like for almost a whole year. When they broke up and he said he just wasn’t feeling it anymore, it became volatile. The people that were telling him to just do it were the same ones to call him a player, pig, etc.

You don’t owe anybody anything, if you don’t like somebody it’s not your responsibility to reciprocate any feelings. You have the right to say no and it’s better that you did upfront rather than “taking the chance on somebody” and have it blow up in your face some time down the line.

sometimes the narcissists aren't the supposed 'nice' guy/gal, its the "matchmakers" that spend more time trying to get credit for every relationship around them instead of working on themselves and their own life.

I am going to piggy back on this. Because you know what pisses me off?
When as a woman I say something about being lonely, and people say, "Well that is your fault! Remember when XYZ hit on you?!"
Like we should be grateful for any attention from a penis.
I have never been hit on by a man I find attract. Never. I do get hit on pretty regularly by people that make me feel bad about myself, and question what I am doing wrong that I am attracting people like that.
Like, neck tattoo and ankle monitor wearing, on welfare but bitch about "illegals stealing benefits", originally from Indiana but love to wave the stars and bars, never held a job scumbags. That is what hits on me.
But god forbid I make a joke about dying alone. Then every dude I know feels the need to point out that I get hit on all the time, I am just too snobby to give them a chance.

That is no different than getting angry at a starving person because they won't eat a bowl of poop.
It pisses me off every time I am told that shit. Men are allowed to reject women for every reason in the book, but a woman having standards means they are picky, snobby, or a gold digger. Fuck off with that.

(did you know that a substantial percentage of sex traffickers of young women have neck tattoos? I don't know that the correlation goes all directions, but in several states, the state troopers have that as one of the warning signs that, if they encounter a man and woman traveling together, is supposed to make them probe a little bit further)

I did not know that. I just equate neck tattoos with people that have spent a good amount of time in jail.
And engage in methy activities.
They like to stand outside of Dollar General and catcall luke a grossass Joe Dirt meets Jay and Silent bob.

I've had friends who always thought they knew best for me. They mean well, but it doesn't come out well. They might also be a little jealous, if they don't get asked out alot maybe they wish they did and you turning down opertunities like that is strange to them because they would jump at them. It doesn't make it right, and you shouldn't give guys a shot because someone else thinks it'd be good for you. Holding out for someone you have that spark with is smart.

I have friends who have said this too, I know they mean well, but I know what I want/like/need. I also have been dating long enough to know the kind of connection I’m looking for. I know within a few minutes if I have a romantic connection with someone. So if I know it’s not there for me why would I keep dating them? Seems like a waste of both our times. I’ve been dating a lot recently and a bunch of guys have been trying to tell me they’d love to take my out again anyway and it’s I politely decline because it’s not fair to them. One guy told me I wasn’t in the right mindset from the beginning and tried to analyze if I recently out of a relationship. Dude, just because you’re into me that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me if I don’t reciprocate. You know what’s best for you, you don’t owe anyone anything. Stand by your decisions!

Find someone your "friends" rejected in the past and ask them why they didn't give THEM a chance, and tell them whatever reason THEY had to reject someone seems to be good enough for them so that's also your reason. And see if they realize how hypocritical they are being...

It's because some people seem to believe that attraction is a logical choice rather than an emotional one. They are simply wrong and you should ignore them just like you would ignore anyone else who is wrong about other topics.

Or she has super high unrealistic standards of men for her area and they want her to try something different every now and again.

I have a friend who will only be with a 6'5 male Adonis who makes 200k or more, believes her when she says that she has mystical powers to read the universe, and is willing to pay off her 100k student loan debt. Sure, that might be something you could pursue in a major city, where people can actually go make 200k a year, but she lives in a town with a 2k farming population. She has no plans to move from this town.

She's met plenty of decently nice guys, who genuinely like her, but she won't even blink their way because of how unrealistically her standards are set. It wouldn't be nearly as big of a problem if she weren't constantly complaining about how sad, depressed, and lonely she is for being 28 without a boyfriend.

Friends recommending that you give someone a chance isn't always a nice guy tm thing. Sometimes we just want you to stop bitching about how single you are while you shit on anyone half decent around you.

Your friend is one case but some people don't have ridiculously high standards they just have specific preferences.

I can't date people if they don't smell right to me. I also tend to prefer a certain type and they don't need to be the tallest or best looking of that type. And I need to have a certain amount of mental chemistry with them and playfulness/humor.

Not looking for a millionaire or anything like that. Just someone who feels "right" to me. Not everyone is going to do that anymore than I'm going to seem right to everyone else.

Not looking for a millionaire or anything like that. Just someone who feels "right" to me. Not everyone is going to do that anymore than I'm going to see right to everyone else.

This was my life in high school and college. Even my best friend at the time would tell me it was "unfair" what I was doing to these guys and would also say that by being friends with them I was "leading them on". For many years comments like this and experiences like yours left me so confused. I wondered, "am I a bad person?".

The answer is no. I wasn't. And neither are you. You should never have to give anyone a chance just because they were nice. There are plenty of kind people in the world, it doesn't mean you should date them all.

I'm almost 30 now and have totally stopped caring. Like others have said, any guy who thinks it's wrong of you to not give them a chance simply because they were nice (who thinks he's been "friend zoned") has shown you they aren't worth the time. Anyone who doesn't value you for your friendship, anyone who uses kindness for anything other than for simply being a good, moral human being is being shitty. Kindness shouldn't come with an ulterior motive.

Friends should be valuable as friends, and not just as potential romantic/sexual opportunities. It's horrible to find out a person you cared about was only valuing you as a potential sex payout and thinks you have no worth without that.

Personally, I consider friendship to be a necessary prerequisite for a relationship, and the concept of the "friend zone" as an exclusion factor baffles me. If I'm not into a friend, it's not because they're a friend, it's because there's no attraction or no romantic interest or whatever.

But a person who isn't friend material isn't date material, and people who act like one set of feelings is enough aren't friend material.

Ugh, totally get you. I ended up on a date once where the guy whined about how unfair it was that nobody gave him a chance because he was so 'honest' (about still being married. Which he didn't mention until a couple of drinks in...).

People are just being shitty. They aren't thinking about your feelings, they just see it as it looks "on paper". You should never feel guilty or apologize for how you feel. And honestly, I'd say you'd be justified in inviting "these people" to fuck right off.

This reminds of the frustration of high school dating. I would constantly hear from boys with "less social standing," (nerds, overweight, social awkward, or just plain lacking confidence) complaining how "shallow" girls were.

"The head cheerleader, prom queen, etc won't date me because I am not football star,etc. If she weren't so shallow she would get to know the real inner me and love me."

Ok, but why are you focused on the prom queen, etc? Why dont you be less shallow and ask that geeky/overweight/etc girl out? Why is it shallow when the prom queen isnt physically attracted to you but its just fine that the only women you want to ask out are the "hot" ones?

I see a similar hypocrisy in some women but they seem to be more aware of this hypocrisy and dont openly complain about it.

The point...people seem to have no problem trying to dictate who others should be attracted to or consider dating but would never "sell themselves short" by dating someone they weren't attracted to.

You owe no one anything. You don’t even owe a guy a second glance, even if he promises you the world, even if he is the kindest man walking this earth. Don’t fall for the guilt trap. Don’t second guess yourself or ‘sympathize’ with said guy. You know yourself best.

I would not trust anyone who tries to make me give some of my precious time to someone I’ve no interest in.

Don’t even explain the reason why you’re not interested; a simple ‘no’ is enough.

I did this once. I knew a guy from swim club who liked me for years and years then Pursued me for around a year. I told him I didn't like him and in essence shut the door on anything between him and I happening. I told my mom this happened and she told me to tell him sorry and to give him a chance because he was nice. I decided to date him (for about 5 months) long distance. He was the most rude, mentally abusive asshole I've met. I've since forgiven him for what he'd done to me over those short months but I still feel annoyed at my mom for suggesting I get with him even though I wasn't attracted to him....oh yeah and my mom and him kept talking over text after we broke up so she could "console him". What a joke. Do what's best for you, girl. That's all I gotta say.

When I was about 16 I went on a date with a guy. He bought me a sushi roll and watched me eat it in the food court. So not really a date. Anyway, I wasn’t interested in him after the date because he wasn’t my type. I thought he was a nice guy and all but I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. Fast forward to my early twenties, I was at a house party and the guy who’s house it was turned out to be the older brother of the guy I went on a date with. He kicked me out because I apparently “strung his brother along” he had even “bought me dinner” and I rejected him. They fucking kicked me out because I wasn’t interested in his brother from five years ago!! I was so angry and so upset because people where acting like I was this massive bitch for having a guy buy me a $2.50 sushi roll then not fucking him afterwards. It was complete BULLSHIT.

You don’t! I went on two dates with a friend of a friend. He wanted a third date, but I was not feeling it and said I would rather be friends. He shot back with, “You haven’t given me a chance.” And my friends also said something along those lines. I was like “I went on TWO dates with the guy, I gave him a try.” Got the same response from friends— he’s real nice, you guys have a lot in common, etc.

I mean, if you have spent a long time single and you have complained/brought up that you are single and looking, isn't it a bit understandable to have friends tell you to give someone a chance?

Sometimes other people know you better than you know yourself and maybe they're looking out for you in their own way. Don't take it so hard. (If it isn't friends then brush it off and take it with a grain of salt?)

If the guy you've rejected is actually giving you shit and not just fighting for your attention then he is being a dick. But I know a couple where she rejected him off the bat and half a year later he basically said she should give him a chance, now they're happily married and have been together for years.

I'm not saying you're wrong, if a guy likes you of course he is going to try more than once. If he doesn't people complain no one fights for anyone, if he does, then people complain that people aren't taking them at their word or respecting them. It's really a rough kind of road with no right answers.

Take it as a compliment that he likes you and ignore people telling you to give people a chance. Take a look in the mirror, take a deep breath and move on knowing you've got people who like you.

Absolutely. I know plenty of couples where one initially didn't like the other and are now in healthy, long term stable relationships. First impressions are not always right and it takes time to get to know someone and find out what they are really like. That said someone telling you they are out of your league is a huge red flag.

Holy shit, girl, no you don't have to give someone a chance just because he likes you!! Please let's all collectively unlearn this toxic way of thinking that has been foisted upon us by generations past. We are under no obligation to give someone anything just because they're nice, just because they like us, or any other reason than that we think it sounds like a good idea.

I don't know what factors motivate it, but I think guys are sort of "taught" that liking someone is enough of a reason for them to want to be with you. It can be a really limiting mindset and difficult to overcome.

When I was first in college, I had a huge crush on a girl in my group of friends. I finally told her how I felt (after making a few relatively embarrassing gestures to show my affection), and she said she was flattered but didn't think of me that way. It wasn't the first time I'd been rejected, but I was particularly devastated.

Shortly after I was talking to another friend in our group about the failed crush and she said, "I'm not trying to be mean, but did you ever think about why she might go out with you? Why would she actually reciprocate your feelings?" I told my friend that I liked my crush a lot, and she just said, "So?"

It was a profound and eye-opening moment. She didn't even elaborate: she just said "So?" and I suddenly realized that my feelings didn't entitle me to anything.

So yeah...your frustrations are real, OP, and you're completely in the right.

This isn't a gender thing. I turned down a girl in our friend circle a couple years back and had to deal with weeks of her friends trying to get me to go on a date with her. Once they tricked me into it by saying we were having a group thing and then nobody except her showed up on purpose. People just like to meddle and fix their friends up. They react poorly when they are shown that they were wrong.

If I may play devils advocate, here are some situations in which other people could tell you to give a guy a chance and it possibly be justified. I’m not saying it was true in your case but just pointing it out to balance out the discussion. It has nothing to do with you ‘owing’ him a chance because everyone is correct in saying you don’t owe anyone anything. But here goes...

if you are dismissing guys out of hand because you fear things going well for you

you’ve had bad dating experiences in the past and are overly cautious

you’re too attached to wanting a certain kind of guy

you’re overly judgmental and hold others to unrealistic standards

you are not present enough in your own body/mind too cluttered to really understand the person you are interacting with. I.e your feelings are not giving you accurate info on the other person.

In other words you could have ‘issues’ which are impacting how you relate to and feel about people. Your friends may know this and just want the best for you and telling you to ‘give him a chance’ is the best way they know how to hopefully make things better for you. Again, not saying this was true for OP just saying it’s not always a sinister thing when friends tell you to ‘give someone a chance’.

This kind of peer pressure is part of the reason why I dated so many more guys than I should have. The shitty friends I had in highschool berated me into dating my first boyfriend who had been into me for a while and I didn't see him that way. Then I did give him a chance, and then he cheated on me with one of the girls in said friend group who was furious at me for taking away her backup date to prom.

After that, if any guy was sort of interested in me, I had internalized all of the criticism and bullshit from that first experience, and thus felt compelled to try. I definitely experienced further pressure from other peers throughout my teens to date some of these guys. Half of the guys I ended up dating throughout my whole life, I would have never actually dated of it weren't for that, and it took a long time to unpack this behaviour.

After that, if any guy was sort of interested in me, I had internalized all of the criticism and bullshit from that first experience, and thus felt compelled to try. I definitely experienced further pressure from other peers throughout my teens to date some of these guys. Half of the guys I dated I would have never actually dated of it weren't for that, and it took a long time to unpack this behaviour.

God, this reminds me of a situation from elementary school. It was, not cute as everyone said it was and it was fucking creepy. A kid really really liked me. I did not like him back. At all. Everyone, even my friends who hated him, said j should give it a chance. He had his high school age sister try and convinced me and still I said no. He was following me. After a school dance he literally stalked me to my house to find out where I lived. At one point, my mom said to give him a chance. What could it hurt? We’re kids. Well, he amped up the stalking. He’d show up to my house with flowers and wait outside in the Alaskan winter for 3 hours, waiting for me to come out. I never did. He tried to bribe me with things to talk to him or give him a kiss. He’d listen in on conversations I was having and then show up with something I mentioned the next day. I made up a fake boyfriend to get him to leave me alone. The only reason it didn’t continue was because his family thankfully moved away. And if you’re thinking, he was just a kid. Yeah, he was and everyone was telling him this behavior was okay and mine was wrong. That I was wrong. It was fucked up.
As a teen/adult, people said I would be single if I wasn’t so picky. Fuck You. I’m not going to date someone I don’t like.

Am guy. I’ve always had this same problem with women. “Why don’t you like me?” “Am I not pretty enough?”
And the girl-friends who tried to sell me on their friend: “my friend over there, she’s the short blonde who’s not too pretty, thinks you’re cute” what? (That’s an actual quote)

It was always really frustrating. And my unhelpful friends were the worst part: “so what if you don’t like her? You could have fun for a night!” Gross.
My point is that this seems to be a human thing, not a problem exclusive to guys. Guys are probably more aggressive with it tho, if I had to guess

They don't understand it because they don't care to. They don't see you as a person with independent opinions and boundaries, and they don't care to. They see you as a means to their own goals. Be very, very grateful to yourself for rejecting them. You dodged bullets. Especially the "league" guy. He obviously thought you were a good match, else he wouldn't have bothered asking, so he's lying through his teeth in a transparent attempt to make you feel bad so that he feels better. To hell with him, and we may be confident that his approach to interpersonal dealings will arrange an earthly version on a continuing basis.

If you do force yourself to go out with someone you have no interest in, you are leading him on. It's not good for either of you.

I’m a guy and I think this goes both ways. A girl once asked me out and I had classes with her and all my friends from those classes got super mad at me for and when I vented to my roommates they asked me why I wouldn’t give her a chance. I understand it’s hard to get the guts to ask someone out but I’d rather say no than find a way to blow someone off or break up with them later. Don’t let anyone give you shit over how you want to live your life, you don’t owe anyone anything and in the long term it’s better to bite this issue off where it starts rather than having awkward talk about you blowing someone off or breaking up with someone.

IMO, American culture loves the idea of "Making the Sale" against all odds. We love stories where a person is able to take someone who is unsure/on the fence/not interested and make what they want to happen, happen.

"Green Eggs and Ham" should be our national book. The guy didn't want them in a boat, with a goat, etc, etc. But when he was finally beaten down to try them, gasp he did like green eggs and ham!

Some people try to serve themselves up like Green Eggs and Ham to a potential customer. Just tryyyy it. You'll likeeeee it.

Honestly I think the idea of giving someone a "chance" just because they have a crush is stupid. Before you start dating, both parties need to want something out of the relationship.

As I've grown older, I'm more alright with going on platonic dates to test the waters with people interested in me or in whom I'm interested. But compatibility and infatuation are only two of the myriad considerations to make before dating. So keep doing your thing OP and politely ignore the people pressuring you to do things that aren't in your interest!

You sound like you’re dealing with the same stuff a friend of mine has been dealing with. She’ll reject somebody because she doesn’t want to be romantically involved with them and the guy and his friends will give her shit for rejecting him. If I’m remembering correctly, at least one of them also says that he’s out of her league.
The bottom line is. You’re not obligated to give anybody your time, attention, or affection. The only reason to give somebody a chance for a relationship is because you want to be in a relationship with them. If these people try to put you down for not entering a relationship with them that you didn’t want, they were never worth your time to begin with.

Every time I hear excuses like "they're a nice person, they're cute, they're funny, but they liked you..." I always reply with, "There's more than that to a relationship." If they bring up another point, "There's more than that to a relationship."

Why? Because, at the end of the day, there is more than one-sided infatuation to a relationship.

As for the friends recommending you do give some guy a chance, maybe they just want your personal life to be settled (definitely if you complained to them about loneliness in the past), and they also believe that first impressions may be overturned. So just do not be hard on them.

The idea of giving guys a chance stems from not only entitlement but also the historical inequity of relationships and marriage, and how much responsibility is placed on a woman.

I even saw this in a recent thread, and was told this advice years ago - “marry a man who loves you more than you love him”

The idea is that women are supposed to withstand disappointment more than men. If a man likes, but doesn’t love, a woman, we aren’t supposed to be surprised when he cheats on her. Because his life is supposed to be easy. If a woman likes, but doesn’t love, a man, she should stay with him if he treats her halfway decently.

I've actually never gotten this either. If you're not in to me I would much rather have the person be honest and tell me so. It is much better than the alternative... Don't ever feel like you need to explain or rationalize your feelings you may or may not have for another person. Good luck finding someone that you are into! Life is too short and crazy to waste your time pretending or forcing something for someone else's sake!!

This is a non gender specific thing too though. I've got a buddy who never ends up liking girls I think would be a good match for him. It took me a while to realize that we just have different tastes in people and I need to let him pursue what he likes rather than interject with what I think he should be doing. I wouldn't be surprised if women deal with even more of this stuff than guys do, but I think a lot of it is just people not being able to realize that what they like is not what everyone likes.

Am guy. You don’t owe anybody anything. If you are upfront and polite, that should be the end of it. Guys that whine about getting rejected should be seen as a bullet dodged as they lack the maturity for an adult relationship.

You should rephrase your last question to "Why don't the idiots that try to engage with me understand that?" for accuracy. Plenty of people understand, idiots do not, so fuck their expectations and peer pressure. :)

This reminds of a similar feeling of when my ex told me I just wasn't "trying" hard enough to make the relationship work. I'm sorry, I can't "try" to love you. I do or I don't. I wasnt going to waste either if our times anymore.

I went to my prom with a guy I wasn't interested in, he had a unrequitted crush on me for a few years prior and even had made me a friendship bracelet out of his guitar strings, which I thought was really sweet. He pre-preemptively bought my ticket before he asked me, and even told all our mutual friends he'd bought my ticket, they then told me I'd be rude if I refused to go with him. At the Prom he ended up yelling at me because I refused to get drunk and hook up with him, and spent the night hanging out with my friends. I went home at 9pm and ended up just vegging and playing some Kingdom Hearts but he never forgave me for it, I bumped into him a couple years later and he called me a stuck up bitch. It really didn't hit me until my late twenties that he was a total asshat and I owed him nothing.

Guy here. As others said. You don't owe anyone a chance. If you are not interested then thats the end of it. No means no. If anyone gives you shit for it then fuck em. You make your own choices, no one gets to try guilt you into changing your mind.

When I was a teenager, one of my guy friends liked me and our group of friends convinced me to date him to "give him a chance". It was one of my only real regrets.

Not only was I not ready to date yet, but I just didnt like him. I wasnt attracted to him. He was my friend and that's how I liked it. I was the worst girlfriend ever because I didnt eant to gold his hand or kiss him or cuddle him.

He ended up dumping me because I was "too green", his words for too shy. I'll never forget it. I was happy to not be with him but it was just untrue.

Dont ever feel like you have to do that. Learn from my mistakes. Be stronger than I was and wait for someone whose worth your time and feeling.

As a guy, I can’t imagine telling someone off for not giving me “a chance.” If you know what you are attracted to, and I’m not it, fine. The people who think they deserve a chance just because are entitled and probably belong on r/choosingbeggars

They might even been out of my league as one of them wouldn’t stop reminding me.

Not a good guy. Not a good guy at all. When you fall for someone, you never think you're too good for them, never. I didn't get in a lot of relationships but I have never felt better than my boyfriend and neither did they. That's actually the opposite, they (and I) tend to believe they're/I am too good to be true and too good to be with someone like them/me.

​

It's simple : men hold the most fragile thing in the Universe... their ego. It's so fragile that it's almost amazing. They are so self-entitled.

I got into my first relationship because I didn't want to come across as shallow. The relationship obviously crashed and burned because I was not attracted to him. I tried to be into him, but I just wasn't. Plus, in hindsight, I think he didn't even really like me as a person, he just wanted someone to call his girlfriend. He would say things like, "I never thought I would ever get a girlfriend, I always thought I would be forever alone, etc." But in the end it hurt more people than it "helped" for me to give the guy a shot.

Edit: After this, I resolved to never date anyone I wasn't at least attracted to. I am not mean or bad or whatever for not wanting to date someone I don't want to date, period.

I once had a guy tell me, "one day you will realise" after constant nagging from him that he is just what I need. I'll realise what? That you're a resentful turd who can't take "not interested" for an answer?

I was taught growing up that if a guy had the guts to ask me on a date, I should at least go on date with him. But that was also rolled into the life lesson of "don't judge a book by it's cover" and "people can surprise you". And "don't be mean" because let's be real some girls are mean (saying things like "ew, why would I date you?")

Now, practically, as an adult that advice has some asterisks. Like does the guy creep you out? If so that's a red flag. Does the guy have unmovable political differences? Cause ain't nobody got time for that. So do I have to date the nice guy? No. Although personally, I've never really been in that friend situation where the guy was nice to me/was my friend strictly because he was interested in me but I didn't return those feelings (the classic friend-zone troupe). My few guy friends that I've hung out have been 1)vocal about their non-feelings for me or 2)very gay.

I was raised with this myth and eventually figured out that that wasn't how it worked. I tried to be a nice guy when I was younger (reaches for whiskey hearing myself say that) because I thought it was my best chance for an in. I wasn't fast or strong and thought I had a shot at being the supportive friend 'she' tries after realizing how bad all those other jerks are.

I eventually started actually caring and realized that was just not a good person to be but damn, I genuinely did think I was owed a chance. All I had going for me was pop culture movies and Television where 'it worked for him'.

You give a guy that you're interested in at least somewhat a chance because in general you've been approached for a relationship way, way more than he has so he at least believes he has to do it, which means he puts himself up on the line to be judged by you because he can't expect someone else to do this for him.

You don't give guys you're not interested in a chance, there could be many reasons; he could be doing a dumb degree in "something" studies, maybe he listens to really dumb music, he might be still too immature to dress normally or he might be a criminal/known sexual harasser. These are all good reasons not to give a guy a chance. What you do in this situation is smile, try to be empathetic (even if you hate him) and say, sorry, I'm really not interested and I don't think I'm your type.

But yeah, if you got a good reason I'd prefer (I'm a guy) to be rejected outright, it saves me quite a lot of emotional investment. Be nice but not too nice.

I think it's important for men to realize that rejection goes both ways. Even that hot ass girl who turned you down has had some guy she was into do the same to her. Don't get all butthurt about it or try to be a gentleman or some shit, it makes you look desperate and that shit ain't attractive. Like they say there's plenty of fish in the sea.

I would definitely say you don't owe anyone a chance. Just because a guy is nice or maybe attractive to others doesn't mean you are obliged to see if he would be a good fit for you personally.

That said, I don't think it's a terrible thing for your friends to suggest. Sometimes we get a bad first impression of someone or just have blinders on for whatever reason. That input from close friends can sometimes help us see things we're missing. The same is true also when all your friends are saying maybe this isn't the right fella for you, take that into consideration also!

No one owes anyone their attention just because they expresses sexual interest.

Anyone who says otherwise and shames you for not reciprocating is clearly indicating that your initial reaction was the right one. If at all possible, ignore them; block them; never interact with them again. Nothing good can come of it.

So one female friend in my social circle constantly complains that she can’t find a man at every social gathering. It becomes the only thing she talks about when she drinks. She’s rejected at least 2-3 guys recently that I know of.

That makes it really hard to listen to her when it starts, and it’s not just me but most of the group finds it obnoxious including the other females and spouses. Sadly I’m guilty of giving her shit for not giving them a chance, for this specific reason.

Not at all trying to compare OP to this person or imply similar behavior, just trying to enlighten with a different point of view.

From a makes perspective: I personally don't have a problem with the idea of getting rejected, and still attempting to convince someone otherwise. It depends on the circumstances and what not, but I do think you can earn a chance with people who maybe weren't feeling it with time and effort. You of course need to know when to stop, be honest, not manipulate the person, etc.

Anyone is an asshole if their immediate response is 'fuck you' and then shitting all of you. No one is owed a response. No one is owed your time. Just because you think someone's hot and their personality totally gels with yours doesn't mean they have to do anything for you - not even a pity date.

I get it. Dating as a dude is not easy if you're not conventionally attractive or charismatic, and it sucks being rejected. There's such a toxic culture of things like 'the friendzone' and how women are supposed to act towards you. From teenage years on you're basically conditioned that kindness, time, effort and money = sex and relationships. And it's really easy to get drawn into that culture when you're young, horny, rejected, and feeling bummed out. That person's got a lot of growing though if their response is anger at you. Be sad, upset, etc. Internalize it, or vent to your friends/family. Try to figure out what went wrong and fix it, or realize that not everyone is compatible. The second you start thinking you're owed something though, you're an asshole.

Yet another guy here. You do you. You don't owe any guy anything, and anyway, any guy who wants you to "give him a chance" in that way isn't apparently interested in you being happy. You should be happy. Have confidence! You're doing the right thing!

Yet another guy here. You do you. You don't owe any guy anything, and anyway, any guy who wants you to "give you a chance" in that way isn't apparently interested in you being happy. You should be happy. Have confidence! You're doing the right thing!

Hope this doesn't sound rude or aggressive or defensive at all but as a guy we also have this problem regarding woman as in if a woman of moderate attractiveness likes us and we don't go for her, we are ridiculed by the other guys as gay or a pussy. However this is more underground and not as publicized as for females. Just letting you know that may have something to do with why this is a problem as people may expect the same thing for woman to do as in give them a chance.

As a guy who’s been rejected by girls many times, those people shitting on you are fucking assholes. They obviously have no respect for your feelings.

I mean what’s the alternative they have in mind? You date this guy you’re not into at all and live in a totally one-sided relationship?

I mean, could you spend time with this person and grow to like them? Maybe! But the fact is it doesn’t matter if you could, you don’t WANT to. It’s about what you WANT not just what’s psychically possible.

Good for you for sticking to your guns. I hope you find a guy you really like and are super into in a cute high school sweetheart BS romcom kinda way. GOOD LUCK!

As a guy who struggled with the concept of “ThE fRiEnD zOnE” (thanks for helping change my mindset, Internet denizens!) I 100% agree how unfair an expectation that is. Just because a dude is crushing hard on a girl (or even truly loves them as more than a friend) does not mean they are owed the same. It may hurt, but fucking move on, shit.

This situation happened just the other day to my sister except she did give the guy ‘a chance’. She wasn’t really feeling it, but went on the date, had an okay time but knew it wasn’t going to lead to anything so she politely let him know that she wasn’t going to see him again and he then sent her multiple texts being very passive aggressive and downright ridiculous. He might even still be doing it, who knows, she blocked him. Gut reactions are there for a reason.

The following words apply to every human on the planet of any gender or sex.

The only thing you owe any other human on this planet is respect equal to that which you are shown. If a person approaches you disrespectfully, you can go as high a standard as you hold yourself to, or as low as he or she went.

The issues occurs when, (and this is the minority of occurrences not the majority,) the other person is entirely honest, respectful, and genuine in their approach and denial. then you act as if it were an insult for another person to have an interest in you so you treat them like garbage and you talk shit about them even after the issue.

You aren't required to give anyone on this planet access to your life unless you want to. But you are highly encouraged (required) to be a common sense following, respectful member of society.

A former best friend did this to me. I had just broken up with a guy and her reasoning was "He'll treat you so much better!" That's nice. I'm still not interested in him that way. There was no spark on my end.

I've had this same exact thing happen to me. Random girl likes me a lot, I don't like her, and people villainize me for not "giving her a chance". So it does happen both ways. However, I think the secret is most guys, including myself, do not give a fuck what people think.

The secret to the feelings you feel, is to stop feeling them.

I know that sounds cold, but the only thing you can control is yourself.

A stranger contacted me on FB recently, asking if I’d be into hooking up. When I said I wasn’t interested, he was wildly offended and asked if we could at least be friends. I wasn’t comfortable with that (obviously) and again, said no. He went and posted all about how he’s “done” getting “verbally abused” by women when they rejected him. While I don’t agree with berating someone, I can see why women lash out at him. He was asking me about my medical history, my sexual habits, and stuff about what kind of house I lived in. (All asked while I was asleep, over the course of about 30 minutes). I blocked him immediately and sent the messages to my mom and sister (the questions about my house terrified me), and we determined if he tried to contact me again, we’d take further precautions.

By this logic, I should be able to hit on the hottest guy I can find, and he would be required to give me, a fifty year old chubby lady, "a chance." Surely I deserve a chance. And a date. And some tongue. It's his own fault for making me feel stuff.

That is a shitty situation to find oneself in, but it could be even worse.

You could be an insecure guy who got told (likely by his mother, but also more implicitly by society) to treat women he is interested in a certain way, which never shows the intended results (i.e. the women never like him back) and is a constant source of shame, confusion and societal ridicule for the guy, who, by the way, probably won't get into the position of rejecting many more than 5 people in his entire life, which is why to him, being annoyed at someone reacting less than graceful to being rejected seems like a quaint problem to have.

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Why am I writing all this? I certainly understand your frustration and I am definitely not an advocate of "giving someone a chance" if you don't like them (almost always just leads to longer suffering for both sides), what I am advocating for is some empathy, especially in the face of all these comments that basically dehumanize men who are insecure and acting up because of it. These annoying behaviours are (mostly) not signs of entitlement, as some would have you believe, but actually signs of emotional pain.

Honestly it annoying when guys don’t consider WHY you may not like them like that. Being nice isn’t everything.
Maybe he doesn’t shower, or his teeth are fucked up. Maybe he’s just fucking ugly.
Girls get rejected all the time for stuff like this and no one ever gives the guy shit for it; and if they do, then they’re in the wrong.
Being nice isn’t everything. It’s a great attribute, definitely, but if I can’t stomach the thought of even pecking your cheek, I’m not really gonna put any more effort into it than that. ¯\(ツ)/¯

No you don’t have to give us guys a chance, so long as your not rejecting people by going “hahahahahah, why would I ever date a loser like you” or something like that you should never be getting shit for rejecting someone

Most guys have much less options in dating. And may put there ALL into approaching one person. Scarcity mentality means that failure is much more devistating. And seeing how large the FA subs are, and male shifted. It can be a reality. So reject. But if they are decent. Bring them into a social circle a bit if others would be interested in dating. Guys get oneities a lot. Specially if they have little experience approuching women and breaking the ice on there interest in dating. They end up thinking to much about the person cause they couldnt approuch. Building them up

Agreed. There's a lot that goes into dating/being in a relationship with someone and attraction in general. Being a "nice guy" doesn't mean you deserve a relationship from someone. Being nice is like the bare minimum a person should be. There are so many nice people in the world that I'm sure would be a gem to go out with but that doesn't mean you'll be attracted to them or want to.

Short story is you don't. Nobody is obligated to be involved with anybody else. At least not in a free society.

Being rejected sucks. I've been rejected a lot. And yeah, you can fall into an emotional trap thinking that if they just thought about it they might come around or whatever. This is unhealthy thinking. Sometimes people just ain't into someone.

Maybe you want to be selective in not only your partner but also other elements when it comes to dating, and there's nothing wrong with it at all. Some people just don't understand that dating and relationships aren't just consist of the person involved, but also time, place, chemistries, etc. There're a lot of people have good relationships with great people, but things don't work out for various reasons and there's nothing they can do about it. Don't feel bad for rejecting a "good guy". Sometimes you might not even know why exactly you reject someone but you should do what you feel is right for you. You should only give chances to someone whom you think deserves. Trust your instincts.

Principle 1. In a relationship you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do; you don’t owe anyone anything. Ever.

Principle 2. Prescribed Relationship: any relationship which begins in a professional or any other context in which an imbalance of power exists. e.g. your doctor, teacher, student, patient, coworker, boss, employee, bar tender, waitress, star of your movie, etc.

To use a professional relationship or position of power to coerce, force, or manipulate someone into a personal/sexual relationship is abuse.

You absolutely don't have to give anyone a chance, but I feel like the reason that people around you are giving you flak is because they see potential for you two, and they feel like you didn't give him a solid chance. People around you, who care about you, often want what's best for you. You can be mad at them and resent them all you want, but they're not acting that way to be asses. What I'm trying to say is that people around who are trying to set you up aren't talking to the guys with you, going on dates with you, etc. It's just ignorance and desire for what's best for you.

While I agree with you and your sentiment, I do understand the other side. However, the dudes themselves giving you crap is just nonsense. You can't force feelings. Some people are just entitled

As a guy if I’m into someone that way and I try for something more I normally find out within a month or so , if your not into me that is cool I’ll pursue someone else but don’t get mad at me because I switched up , it’s normally when I switch up that the girls like .... heyyy you wanted me remember .

Because people are stupid. Just because someone is a "nice guy" doesn't mean jack crap. It's better to have a relationship with someone who you actually have things in common with, have similar goals in life, and are attracted to! If you're not attracted to them, it's not going to work, so why would they think otherwise?

Also they should be grateful that you are honest with them because then they are free to be with someone who IS super into them instead! Which obviously is better for everyone in the long run.

You need people in your life that understand and respect boundaries. Nobody should ever give you crap for not liking a guy, regardless of the reasons. If a guy gives you a hard time over rejection, your gut was right. Shut that shit down, block him and move on.

Don't ever, ever feel forced to date someone you're not excited about seeing again. Trust your gut and don't give a fuck what anyone says. Dating is meant to be fun, not a chore you have to force yourself to do!! Your friends or whoever is pressuring you are wankers.

You don’t owe anyone a date or a “chance”. You do owe people some respect and dignity as human beings. Some women can be cruel when rejecting a man’s advances. If you were kind about it, you have nothing to feel bad about.

Speaking as a guy who doesn’t have the best luck getting dates, you don’t. In fact, you don’t even need a reason at all.

You don’t have to say you’re not looking for a relationship at the moment. It’s ok to reject someone even if you do think they’re attractive. It’s fine if you don’t want to reconsider dating them at a later date.

If you choose not to date someone, for any reason or even no reason that you can think of at all, that’s your choice.

To me, it’s simple. If I don’t think I should ever be obligated to date someone, no one should ever be obligated to date me.

Haven't any of you been to the movies or turned on a television lately. Males in our society are taught to never give up, to persevere, particularly when it comes to women. The romantic comedy wouldn't be a thing without this conflict. Boy wants girl, girl doesn't want boy. Boy keeps trying and shows girl he really isn't disgusting slob/womanizer/gay/alien/ dog or cat/etc. Something happens to set this effort back to square 1 but boy redeems himself. Girl realized she was wrong the entire time and they start working on part 2.

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Having said all of that, no, you don't have to give anyone anything. But don't be nice about it. Girls want to be nice and not hurt feelings, which is not a bad thing. Men in these situations will see ANYTHING as an opening, a sign that you aren't 100% sure.

You don't owe anyone anything, but I can explain the root of them thinking you do. I used to be one of those guys, until I reached my 20's and realized the problem.

Basically, blame their mom. From childhood, a lot of mothers tell their boys, "All girls want are a really nice guy." They condition them to think that once a girl realizes how loyal and faithful and trustworthy they are, they'll win them over. This, of course, is total, absolute horse shit.

What a girl wants is what EVERYONE wants; someone they're attracted to, who also happens to treat them well and be a decent person.

Unfortunately, they've been conditioned that the girls worth pursuing don't care about appearances, just a good personality; if you're nice enough, they'll give you a chance to date, and when they see how well you treat them, they won't be able to help falling in love with you. You'll notice sex is never mentioned, because there's often an inference that girls only become interested in it when they're truly in love, and I was honestly convinced that if we truly loved each other, I could go my whole life without it because I was with the love of my life.

There's two possible outcomes:

The guy realizes that his mom thought she was being helpful, but she was mistaken and women are actually real human beings with complicated wants, needs, and desires.

The guy feels betrayed because none of his female friends seem to appreciate how much he does for them, sees that they continue to date guys they disapprove of, and grow into bitter adults. These are the ones that become creeps and incels.

It either works or it doesn't. Unless you're Miraculous Mutha on a meth bender (sober even she got laid a lot) there will be another one along soon enough. I dated a lot of women between marriages. 1 in 20 people are worth it. The rest are just one and done riff raff. It's not you, it's not them. It just wasn't right. It's not personal, it's not karma, it's not fate. Fuck it, NEXT!

When the right one is there, you'll know it. Until then, have fun, drink some booze, smoke some weed, get laid often enough so you avoid desperation. Hell if you want ruin some sweet young thing for your own amusement, play with somebody a hell of a lot older just so you know.

It's your life. It's his life too. Something will work out IF, and that's a huge IF... you let it. Never forget that most dick support systems aka guys are just as fucked up as you, me, that one over there, everybody, etc.

I gave a guy a chance at work. And after a few repeat dates (because he begged me, one time he cried), I guess he must have said some things about me behind my back to the other women in the office. Shortly after the last date, I go back to the office and all the women are ignoring me. And this basically goes on until I leave the company a few months later.

Very disappointing first job experience, especially since a few of the office ladies tried to mentor me in the beginning. Taught me how to wear makeup and clothes properly.

You’re thinking about it all wrong. It’s not you giving him something or him taking away from you. It’s you giving yourself a chance to learn about someone, to see a different view, to figure out something you didn’t know about yourself. You are so sure about yourself? You “know” what you want? Fine... but like everyone out there pretty much, probably you don’t.

Unsuspecting people can surprise you (in a good way) and also you might end up surprising yourself as well.

But take it however. Don’t date a weirdo if you don’t want to, you don’t owe anyone anything.

Everything becomes awful the moment you are forced to do it. Sure, if you gave those guys a chance it might have worked. But who cares? If you are coerced into doing it, it's a drag and won't be fun at all.

Ughh. Nobody owes anyone shit, at least in this sense. How could anyone who calls themselves a “grownup” with a straight face espouse such delusional nonsense. That dude is unequivocally 100% shit for attempting to manipulating you into having feelings. Also, your friends don’t sound so great either, by the sounds of it. 28/M

I just got rejected this week by someone i will continue seeing on a weekly basis. I made sure not to come off as a dick. Even though it sucks being rejected, she's not a bad person. I look forward to continuing to interact with her and know that we can be cool even though I thought I had a shot with her. Don't feel too bad, people will get over it. If they don't they are not worth your time.

Now, if someone you know well and trust says something like, "hey I know he's not your usual type, but he's good people. I think you'll like him if you give him a chance," that's maybe worth listening to. They're vouching for his character.

But a guy who uses "aww, why won't you give me a chance" as a way to manipulate you is just throwing a tantrum like a preschooler, and proving you made the right decision.

Just make sure to reject people gently but also make sure it has the weight of a final decision. People have delicate egos and need to be let down gently, if they are rude after that just say you're not having a conversation with them and leave if they don't.

I'm a guy, and every girl I've ever been interested in has rejected me. The furthest I get is a first date, but usually I just get a no. I really wish one of them would have given me a chance, I really do. But I would never EXPECT or DEMAND them to give me a chance. A person is never owed that.

By contrast, I've been on the other end of it. I'll be 35 in a couple of months and I've only been in 3 relationships. All 3 of them were girls that were very interested in me, but I didn't really have much interest in. However, I "gave them a chance". Let me tell you, every time it was a disaster.

It's a terrible idea to get involved with someone if your heart isn't in it. It's a bad idea, and painful for all parties involved.

A few years ago a guy was interested in me and I wasn’t at all. He was kind of awkward and really wouldn’t talk to me. He would text and me the conversations would basically be the same everyday. My brother and sister in law kept pushing for me to go out with him. Well he invited me to a banquet and I said yes because I felt guilted by my brother and sister in law and it was TERRIBLE. he wouldn’t talk to me at dinner (luckily I had other friends at the table) or most of the night and then he got so hammered that he got cut off. I vaguely remember him whipping his belt around his head like a whip. I was in tears.

My parents told my brother and sister in law never to push me into dating someone again.

Side note he got engaged a few months ago I said congratulations because whatever we still have some of the same friends and he I friended me on Facebook afterwards 😂

We don’t. We don’t owe anyone shit. Never think you owe someone your attention just because they want it. That’s like saying that someone who demands you let them drive your car should be immediately handed you keys because they want them. Every single man who thinks that can fuck himself with a cactus.

That’s why I hate the word ‘friendzone.’ It’s usually when a guy is being nice to you and expecting you to reciprocate the feelings. But when you don’t, he’s mad and you’re a bitch for friendzoning him.

At my gf's old job they were a close circle of friends (all female and 1 nice guy) and would hangout after work and such. Until she rejected the "nice guy" of the group and they all turned on her for not giving him a chance. It really didn't matter her reasons to them she was just being selfish.

Any guy who is resentful because you dont like him is basically a child. Anyone who would remind a girl that they are beneath them is below everyone. I'm a guy who shoots high and gets rejected a lot. I've been confused, embarrassed, sad but never, ever, angry. Men who act this way towards women dont value them as equals.

My take on this is very simple. If you have 0 intentions of ever having anything with this person, as soon as you see a sign of flirt from his behalf, set him straight and “friendzone”.

This is exactly what happened to me a few weeks ago. I was starting to like this person, and we started to flirt. Shit escalated and she ended up saying that having sex with me would be really awkward. She set it straight right there, and I never tried anything with her. Simple and effective.

What also happens when you don’t do this is you get a lot of guys hunting you down like dogs. Have a female friend that she flirts a lot, even unintentionally, and she has a lot of people after her because she didn’t set things straight from the beginning. She even encountered some unintentional kiss tries...

I ended up giving in to this pressure once, and I “gave the guy a chance” by dating him for a little bit. Then, a few weeks later, when I said I still just saw him as a friend, the response was, “You don’t act the way you’ve been acting (holding hands, cuddling, etc) toward someone you see as just a friend, so you MUST like him as more than a friend.” When I maintained that I didn’t, I got accused of leading him on.

You are in no way in the wrong. You can't force attraction. It's either there or it isn't. And friends that say "you might grow to like him/her" are idiots and don't care for your well-being. "Giving someone a chance" is an idiotic principle in the first place. You're investing time, money, energy, etc into something that's doomed to fail and the more you invest, the greater the loss. I got rejected by a girl at work (I asked her out but she misunderstood and thought it was just 2 friends hanging out, I'm naturally flirtatious so it's understandable that she didn't "get it" at first) in the following days, I overheard another female co-worker telling her "He's a good guy, I think you'll end up liking him." I walked up to them and told the other girl straight up to "mind her own business, stop talking about my personal life, and I'd rather stay friends than force a relationship that probably won't work out." Ya the rejection hurt but it wasn't worth either of our time. A bad relationship can be like a jail sentence to your emotional health.

Guy here, if you're not interested then that's the end. Why waste anyones time just to be nice. That's bullshit. If the guy doesnt understand, then you've just learned for sure that it's not worth your time. I'd expect the same . Clear signals is a good thing. You don't owe him anything.

I'd much rather be rejected upfront than strong along for a date or two and then get low-bridged. It, for me, was always disappointing regardless of the timing (if I wanted the girl to like me), but a whole lot less (and cheaper!) if I found out before the get go. And in reverse I should have practiced your method with several girls. For me I found it hard to tell them it won't work out, but looking back had I told them that as soon as I felt that way, rather then waiting, it would've been easier.

In re-reading this, my agreement is convoluted; however in summary, you were right.

You dont have to feel guilty about not accepting their feelings, they went for it but they should understand that its not always going to happen the way they wanted. You dont have an obligation to do so. Been there, done that. Keep your head high and dont let the comments get to you, people are always going to talk

Guy chiming in. Feel free to give as much or little validity to my opinion as you feel is warranted.

You don't owe anyone a chance. No one owes anyone shit outside of the base amount of respect. Anyone who disagrees with that is a shit person.

If heterosexual romantic fulfilment is something you seek though, then giving people you aren't into but who seem nice a chance isn't a horrible idea. Attraction is more learned than it is an intrinsic thing.

As a guy who has not had to deal with dating and such in over thirty years, in sorry you're going through this. I look at the dating scene nowadays and try and remember what it was like back when I was younger. I don't remember pressure like your describing. Maybe it's because I'm a guy and wasnt aware pressures that females were experiencing. Continue to be true to your gut feelings, and don't be pressured by anyone.

There’s nothing wrong with not being into a person. You’re free to reject anyone you’re not interested in. This happens, and while it’s unfortunate that everyone isn’t a perfect match, it’s definitely normal.

I will say that, obviously, you can reject a person well or poorly. I’m not going to guess how you do this, but I’ll assume you aren’t actively rude or cruel in your rejection. Therefore, you were very likely fine.

You never have to give anyone a chance. That’s fine. As long as you’re not deliberately being awful to those people, you’re fine.

You don’t owe anything to anyone. However, if multiple people other than the guy you’re rejecting is “shitting on” you, maybe your rejection approach is rude?

I reject people a lot, and only a handful of them have been crazy after lol. But for the most part it’s like 2-3 dates later and I’ve decided I don’t want to keep spending time with them. I usually say something like hey, it’s been fun getting to know you and I appreciate the time/effort/kindness whatever, but I don’t feel like we’re vibing in a way I’m looking for. Good luck :) etc

I got this a lot from a girl friend in college that I always need to say yes to a first date, I hated the pressure. She always told me that it took a lot of courage to ask and I should say yes, I was lectured by her a lot in college (should mention it was a very religious environment).

Now that I've gown since then, I realize she wasn't the best friend for me during that time period. It's it my right and choice to not give someone a chance, and being forced to give someone a chance is taking away my freedom and my judgement.

Was talking about this in depth today. Wasn’t into my ex boyfriend but kept giving him chances since he was “nice” to me and “liked me a lot”... turned out just fell into the idea of love. Was with him for 6 months. Realized my first impression was right. Never really was into him as a person. Trust your gut.

Its so stupid, I remember when I was 16, and this guy from a nearby college wouldn’t stop pestering me about getting my number even when I said no, I eventually gave in because he was just non stop, when I told him to leave me alone through text he claimed that “You are only rejecting me because you didn’t get this dick.” Even though I told him I’m a minor and I’m not comfortable.

You are right, there is no obligation to give a chance. Some men do not accept it and angry, others stay and hope things change. As a man that stayed, be frankly honest if you dont like the guy physically. While you can like his personality appearance is important and limits off possible relationships, and it cant be changed so the guy could lose a lot of time chasing you

As long as you're not a bitch about it, then whatever. If you're not into them, then you probably won't ever be. But you might be in the future, cause things change. My wife and I used to be just friends, i want into her at all romantically, had just gotten divorced, not interested in dating. Fast forward 10 years and i couldn't imagine myself without her in my life. 9 years later happily married and have 3 wonderful children.

Dude, relationships begun out of obligation are work. There is no joy. You're setting yourself up for a thankless job and setting your partner up for serious pain. Don't get me wrong: the relationships you actually want from the get go require effort too, but the other person makes you so happy that it feels like nothing at all. Point is: not everyone is seeking a partner. Some people like their privacy. I had several perfectly lovely years as a bachelorette. I was only miserable when I forced myself to date out of pressure from family and "friends" or when I felt inadequate thanks to comments from the same. I found my husband, greatly enjoyed his company, and felt fantastic to have made a boyfriend on my terms for once. He's my best friend, the nicest guy, and definitely not a "nice guy". He would never harass you for rejecting him like the people you mentioned. I've been blessed manifold. So, when and if you're ready, find yourself a nicest guy. That's all there is to it.

My mom always gives me shit for being the one to break up with my ex. I only broke up with him because I realized that I was only feeling platonic feelings for him instead of romantic feelings. I'm still friends with him and my mom always yells me I should get back together with him even after I told her a hundred times I only see him as a friend AND he is dating someone else. Even my grandma told me I shouldn't have stopped dating him because I didn't feel sexually attracted to him. You should not have to return someone feelings or date/hook up with them just because they or others think you should.

You don’t owe anyone anything, not even the time of day. If a person doesn’t approach a relationship as a mutually beneficial arrangement then the relationship is doomed. Both parties have to be invested.

Too many people in general, and men in particular (saying this as a man), are only looking for what they can get out of a relationship. You shouldn’t feel ashamed for telling those people to pound sand.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. You get told you're a bad person for not trying out a romantic relationship you're not interested in, you try it out and end things after a bit and you get accused of leading them on. The only way they don't tell you off is if you force it/fake it and sacrifice your own happiness, and anyone who expects you to sacrifice your happiness to make someone else feel better about themselves should take their head out of their ass, move on and mind their own business.

I've been that guy, or something like him. Even if he knows you will never feel for him the way he does for you, it's a hard pull to swallow. But he's got to swallow it. Not you. In the long run, the sooner he does, the better off he'll be.

I'm a guy and I don't think it's a defense mechanism. It's called "wearing them down", and it is indeed the province of male toxicity.

Problem is, Debord says we recreate society daily. Which means that we all have to watch out for reproducing toxic behaviour.

I honestly try really hard to always do what I think is right, and even so I still find myself slipping into outdated reactions (not that I'm saying it was good back then, and I'm not talking about this specific example here). I agree that it is a reflexive action but it's not a line of defense, it's a vanguard.

Frankly I find those military terms rather illustrative here, if thoroughly unpleasant

You don’t. Believe me, as a male, if I “got a chance” every time just “because he likes us” I would have had a lot more chances. If you are a female and agree with this logic, I would like to meet you. That is extremely noble of you to think this way. I applaud you.

You don't owe anybody anything. Any guy shaming you for turning him down is a shitty person, and you dodged a bullet. And any guy who does nice things for you, and then turns into an asshole when you indicate you're not interested, is not a nice guy, he's a predatory dick who thinks women are vending machines - insert nice guy tokens, get coochie.

When I was a lot younger I believed that all “nice guys” deserved a chance and was guilty of pressuring a female friend that one of my guy friends had a crush on to accept his advances. She stuck to her guns. I thought she was unreasonable. Now he’s a super conservative fundamentalist Christian who idolizes Jordan Peterson and I realize that she dodged a bullet that I had tried to shove her into.

As I’ve gotten older and encountered the consequences of not shutting down the “nice guys” that I’m not interested in, I realize that all the garbage we’re fed when we’re young about giving everyone a chance no matter how we feel about it is dangerous. Good for you for standing up for yourself. We’re supposed to be the irrational ones. The weak ones. The indecisive ones. Still somehow it’s not us having melt downs when we get rejected and trying to nuke the person who hurt our feelings from orbit.

Well I'd like to start by saying they you can turn people down left and right for absolutely no reason at all, and that's your right and your prerogative.

That being said I don't think "giving a chance" is what you think it is. You seem to be under the impression that if you don't have passion. It you're not instantly taken with someone, then that's a no, and that's how it is. The very idea of a "chance" is that you look past that initial little thing and figure out if you actually like someone. They might be wicked funny, love all the stuff you do, or treat you the best you've ever been treated in the ways you've always wanted. But you'll never know unless you give that chance.

Like I said you don't need, or have to give anyone anything, let alone a chance. You can completely ignore someone's existence if that's what you'd like, but I do think you've got the idea of what a chance is wrong.

I also do find that many people (not a women thing at all) tend to have trouble finding someone and it's really because they're paying so much attention to looks that they miss out on some real good catches, and have to go through many many people before they find one that works.

Sometimes you do have to give it a chance, if you're in the mood for finding someone that is. I've actually been pretty surprised how compatible I am with some people who I maybe never would have looked at otherwise if I want sort of "in the mood" so to speak and being more open minded than normal.

I'd tell anyone giving you shit to fuck right off though. It's none of their business. You don't need a reason to even dislike someone, let alone use your time and energy in a way you don't want.

If you can conjure up that secret magic potion, that'd be great. Sounds like a great way to get me eating more veg, and drinking more water.

Obviously, these guys are of the opinion that you haven't gotten to know them yet. Which is never the case. No, there aren't such a thing as hidden redeeming features. As a guy myself I just don't understand how they could think they can convince you to like them. And I'm saying this as someone who, when they were younger and getting rejected... asked why. Not because of arrogance (though I'm sure it came off that way) but because in my mind, If I was rejected it was my fault somehow. Yay for mental health issues and emotional instability. As far as apologies go though, I do think it's nice when someone is turned down with an "I'm sorry, but..", because even though not reciprocating isn't your fault, you are necessarily hurting them just a little. And it's just a little sympathetic acknowledgment which makes it sweeter. But this should all apply to everyone, if you're letting someone down, do it considerately, if you're being let down by someone, understand and accept the rejection, and let them know you're ok with that. Bonus points if upon rejection you still seek to make some ties with the person - just because you don't reciprocate amorous feelings doesn't mean you can't kindle a friendship. And I'm sure it always means a lot to the other side when they are valued for the company rather than just the object for fulfilling the desire of companionship.

What I'm going to say will likely rub someone the wrong way so I'll caveat this post by saying I agree with the major point of agreement in the comments. No person owes any other person anything - least of which, reciprocal feelings. When the suggestion to give someone a chance comes from a rational person who has enough information ,and they thought it out about person they are saying it to, I don't think the casual "I just don't like him" quick response cuts it. That seems like a person refusing to reflect on the reasons they do not find said person attractive. Everyone is entitled to keep those reasons to themselves, but in that situation, that response is a red flag that a person doesn't want to directly address or confront however they evaluate love interests. A person who doesn't do that is likely to find themselves unlucky and/or unhappy. Sadly, a concerned friend might be the one pestering the same way just to get you to try to evaluate how you evaluate. Instead of telling you to give the next person a chance, the direct issue they want to bring up is "I think you dismiss a lot of opportunities because of a prejudice you have against/for ____" (or maybe they don't know what it is, but they know it's there).

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Everyone has conscious things they say makes them attracted to a person, but the unconscious stuff is far stronger when it comes to instant attraction or the lack of it. I don't want to suggest what is and isn't appropriate to find attractive, but perhaps the most obviously inappropriate reason to have a prejudice on would be race. An important distinction I'd like to make is the prejudice of having a shallow thought of "black people are less than, so I don't want to date them" is where I see a problem of ignorant and bigoted individual. Another kind of (white) person might not want to date a brown or black person because of real issues they'd face in social circles or their own family dynamics if this was a serious candidate. This is still racism and problematic for our society, but at least it's based on a reality and not ignorance because face it - a black man's life has challenges in most of the world. Having separated your actual personal values from anything else, you've worked through prejudices and you may be find a Wakandan Prince Charming who you will understand makes you happy enough to deal with the other bullshit. This same logic goes for prejudices on short/tall, fat/skinny, hairy/smooth etc. A growing person could admit that they don't know what it would be like to be with a person like _____ and also doesn't want to try it out right now.

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tldr: You don't have to give anyone a chance. If casually delivered, dismiss the issue - do whatever. If seriously suggested by someone who knows you and thinks things through, not doing so can be a red flag that you're not willing to evaluate your prejudices at all.

The guy and other people have the right to be upset and/ or dissapointed on your answer, but they dont have the right to be dissapointed or mad at you. In their head it may have been cute or the guy may have really wanted to be with you but if you arent about it then thats the final word.

Most of the guys I’ve dated were because I was ‘giving them a chance’ ... sometimes it worked out ok but mostly it was awkward and horrible. I was shamed by my friends because ‘he likes you so much’ but it just ends up being him making advances and me trying not to run the other way. I totally agree with your post. We shouldn’t need to say or do anything we don’t want to. It’s our choice who we date, no-one else’s.

It's so hard to reject someone gently and I always agonize about it. Especially with casual encounters on Reddit and other websites.

When you're chatting up someone to drum up interest, and then eventually after one liner replies and stilted conversation you end it all, the other party doesn't take it very well. For me if my goal is to meet and do things with someone, if during chatting I don't feel like I'm interested, I like cutting it off so I have more time to chat with others. It's a waste of my limited social energy to accommodate conversations.

A lot of people still beg for meetups even after this! Although some people say maybe he's better face to face vs online, this is a really rare thing to happen. So I just say no but I feel like I might end up rejecting too many because of my standards.

I think it’s a complicated issue. Almost one that insists upon itself. So many women years ago will have said “yeah I gave so and so a chance and now 30 years later we are still married”. So it became a “thing” like give him a chance you don’t have to marry him. I think the issue is that it’s from a different time, before women were more liberated maybe? Like I feel women settled more years ago so that kind of mentality made sense.

I shamed a dude on Facebook who gave me his number on the street (I showed no sign of interest btw) and then my friend’s mom was like well if he didn’t catcall you you should look at his actions as brave but like why? He had his name and number already written on the piece of paper like he has a pocket full of them. He also touched my arm like a creep. I can tell the difference between someone who is genuine about their feelings and someone who is just trying to get fucked or make me into a lamp etc.

I'm a guy who has a massive crush on one of my friends; I've told her, and she's made it clear she doesn't think a relationship between us would work out. In my opinion, if you're a guy and your response in this kind of situation is anything other than agreeing with your crush and trusting their judgement that you wouldn't be compatible, you're acting very immaturely. Occasional immaturity is fine and normal in an adult, people sometimes slip up and make mistakes; where this becomes bad is not one of these guys respected you enough to apologize for their actions later, or even realized what they did was wrong.

Sure this is buried, but op says "other people". What other people? His friends? His mom? Now if it is your friends and your mom, then maybe they are hinting at something. And you should take a second chance. Also, what is meant by "a chance". A photo? A Meet? A Date? That seems like the logical order for a "chance" those are 3 chances right there. Any of which is a opportunity for either to bail. I have given a chance or two and said no thank you mam.

Another guy here - you're completely in the right. You don't owe anyone a relationship, respect and/or feelings are earned.

If you didn't want to give a guy "a chance," he's gotta deal with it like everybody else. You're doing yourself a favor, I've been in relationships to "give them a chance" before and learned that's a mistake for both people.

It seems most of the people shaming you lack self awareness of their words and actions. Fortunately, that doesn't affect your freedom in deciding whether or not to get in a relationship

Dude here. People need to get over themselves. Attraction isn't always mutual and not leading a person on should be considered as a better alternative than 'giving them a chance' which gives them false hope. Maybe you'll change your mind about them over time, but until that happens there's plenty of other people out there.

Because you don't exist for your own purposes. You are only here to affirm and uplift the male of the species. If you like it, great for you. If you don't, sucks to be you, but it's the male's feelings that are uber alles. Your feelings don't matter.

In all seriousness, live for yourself, and fuck `em if they can't take a joke.

It's absolutely ridiculous for anyone to think there can possibly be a good relationship that started with you forcing yourself to find someone attractive that you don't, this is like getting a head start on a sexless, non romantic marriage.

There's nothing wrong with trying to find someone that makes you burn and yearn and while that may not last forever those little things that made you intensely attracted to someone early on can still re-ignite here and there to help keep a long term relationship going. If you settle for someone now because they check every other box except the one that really keeps love alive it won't even matter long term. His ability to pay a mortgage won't matter for shit if you're in a miserable relationship.

That said, take advantage of your ability to be picky now and find the best possible partner, no sarcasm, this is a script that flips upside down for most women once you hit 40+ it's just the nature of the game.

You're doing the right thing. What would actually make you an asshole is dating the guy knowing you don't really feel for him that way, leading him on, and dropping him after making him think you love him and want to marry him. Thank you for not doing that.

If these guys had any concept of what it feels like to have your heart smashed like that then they would thank you.

Source: am a guy who has been rejected and also had his heart smashed. Can confirm that getting your heart smashed is far worse.

It’s either that they think persistence will win a woman’s heart, or that they’re entitled to just have a go at it because they like you.

Either way, you shouldn’t feel bad. If they ask for a chance after you’ve blatantly said “no”, they don’t read signs well, and you’re gonna wanna dodge that bullet. As someone on this thread said earlier, thank them for reaffirming why you even said no lol

You don't have to. I wonder who, besides from broken hearts, would try to let you feel this way. Relatives that want you to marry or something?
In any case, maybe try to check this person out, adapt to their situation and say something like "If you wouldn't be married and this person there tells you being in love with you, would you try it even if you don't have the slightest interest?" Might work wonders. People way too often don't see how it would be being on the other side of the playing field.

This is a man. You don't have to give a boy, girl, women, man, or whatever the hell they go by the time of day. It's your life. Do what makes you happy without destroying other's lives.

That person sounds like one of the stereo typical "good guys" just ignore then. Talking to them is like talking to a wall. There are women like that too. Trust me don't talk to them. They don't understand basic human interactions.

Another dude here.... pretty much what the upvotes are saying. If it goes that way, fuck it. You don't deserve that bullshit and he doesn't either. A relationship has to be mutual. You don't deserve someone YOU'RE not into and HE doesn't deserve someone that isn't into him. Fuck loselose. That's a win win if you make the choice. Everyone deserve a win win. If it's not don't go for it. PERIOD
*Edit_spelling

You don't. You don't owe them anything. And the sooner you are very sure of that fact, the easier it is to deal with any of these dudes and their friends. Because you can feel completely assured in saying, 'No, I don't like him. It would be a waste of both our times'.

Also this whole 'friendzoning' thing works both ways. You may get shit for 'friendzoning' a guy, but honestly, he girlfriend-zoned you first and just like he doesn't want to be your friend, you don't want to be his girlfriend. So it's mutually incompatible. If anyone tries to guilt you or coerce you into dating these dudes, they don't deserve a place in your life. Because your not-wants matter.

I had a dude that I was very specific and clear in saying that when we went and saw a movie together, it was as friends, that I didn't want to date him. He said sure. After? He told all our mutual friends it had been a date, and they were all mad at me for not wanting to continue dating him, for not giving him a chance, for trying to lead him on. Nope. Nah. Not interested in that. He's out of my life for good (although sometimes he tries to message on the good old Facebook and strike up a convo, nope) after he tried to blame me for him breaking up with his then-girlfriend. Apparently I lead him on just by showing up to the same social events and having conversations with him. Ugh.

You don't have to give anyone a chance if they don't treat you as your own independent person who can make their own decisions for themselves. They're not giving you the respect you deserve, so why do they get a chance in return? Tell your friends to back off if they ever do this again, or they're not being real friends.

Guy here. You don‘t.
Most men think women are into them just because they‘re friendly. I‘ve met many guys who were pissed off because they got rejected and say such things like „why was she so nice to me lf she wouldn‘t date me?“
From my experience as a guy it‘s much safer to assume she‘s into you, if she‘s acting kinda weird but still tries to be around you.

Similar vein, slightly different topic. I've heard it brought up that girls need to stop saying "You're nice, but no." The rejection part is fine, you do what you will, but rejecting someone this way makes it seem like they are getting rejected because of niceness. And so, in essence, guys are being told that if they are not nice then they will be liked.

As for being out of someone's league, I have never understood that one. It's a horrible concept from both sides. If you feel a certain way about someone a relationship shouldn't be determined by comparative status but by a return of emotional connection.

I don't know if turning someone away at face value is the right or wrong thing. I've known some great people that you wouldn't think to try which only began expressing themselves properly once you got to know them. I've also known people that were assholes through and through. I think what it boils down to is trusting your gut feeling.

This can be so insidious, especially as a mentality to instill in young women. I remember being a teenager and going out with guys I wasn't really into, just because they seemed to like me and they weren't jerks, so it would be mean of me not to give them a chance, right? I remember feeling so guilty about having preferences! It took so long for me to realize that you don't need an excuse to not be attracted to someone, and that that's a perfectly good reason not to date them!

For the 5th time this year, I got shit on for rejecting a guy I simply wasn’t into. Both by the guy himself and by other people.

How old are you?

I saw this happen through High School a lot (to guys AND girls). I only saw it happen once in college when my almost-girlfriend's roommates wanted her to start "hanging out with" some guy. I have no clue why they wanted her to. Maybe this guy had weed?

Worth pointing out that this can go both ways, although women probably have to deal with being told to "give it a chance" more often and to a higher degree than most men. The idea of men as the ones that go out and get things coupled with the idea of women as people that try very hard to be the thing being gotten produces a lot of weird double standards like this.

If you don’t like someone back, it’s an open and shut deal. And that’s not your fault! You would be selling yourself short by attempting to reciprocate, if the chemistry is simply not there. The whole thing would be predicated on untruth, plain and simple.

Ive been thinking about this a lot lately. Im a dude by the way and sadly have to admit to being one of these guys before. In my opinion, it's a defense mechanism. At least in my case. Much easier to blame it on you being "stuck up and not wanting to give me a chance" than to admit that you just weren't into me. The latter can be a hit to a narcissist's ego. I think its a red flag and a good thing you didn't pursue. Not tryna be a white knight or anything, just my 2 cents.

You dont, simple as that. Now that being said, this has happened all too often for my part, and Im a guy. It might be more prevalent behaviour among guys, but the same bullshit comes from plenty women as well. Often followed by a huff after rejection and a speech about "me being so lucky she even spoke to me, dont know what Im missing, yadayadayda..." Way I see it peoples egoes bruise easily, and it seems easier too just criticize the person they hit on as being arrogant, conceited or something along those lines, instead of just taking the rejection and moving on about their day. But yeah, you dont owe anyone hitting on you anything.

Guy here, you don't owe guys anything. I've been a little down on myself for not finding a partner for awhile since my divorce but, I would never expect an apology from someone not into me. As you said you cant help who you are attracted to it's not your fault if you are or aren't. Hopefully there really is someone out there for all of us who will treat us the way we deserve to be, with respect and faithfulness.

You don't owe them anything, and like you said, you can't really control who you're interested in. It's just the way it goes. Hopefully their anger/upsetness cedes quickly and they realize that, instead of take it out on you.

It's a lesson that's usually not taught very well. Especially when movies and songs make persistence out to be super romantic, when irl it's almost always super creepy.

Slightly longer answer - I can’t conveniently count the amount of rejection I’ve had. The only thing I ask for after that is basic politeness - I can’t help being attracted, the same way you can’t help not being attracted. Doesn’t make me a leper!

As for other people telling you to give people a chance, if you complain about being single a lot and/or are rejecting guys your friends set you up with, I could see how that could annoy a person to the point of saying something like “give them a chance”.

I stress to add, you still don’t need to give those people a chance. You’re not obligated to ever like or date anyone. Random dudes 2c

Coming from a guy: forget those guys. I think you should give everyone a chance - but that chance doesn't need to come in the form of a date. If you've spent time around him and aren't interested; that's fine: he had his chance, and for whatever reasons (which you are not obligated to explain), didn't strike your fancy.

​

And if you haven't; it's perfectly fine to invite him to some community you participate in, and see how he is in the community space: I do social dance, and seeing how people act around others in that setting is very enlightening. If he's actually interested in you, and you have anything in common, seeing him interact with others with that same thing in common is - in my opinion - enough of a chance. Alternatively, you brush him off with "I don't know you", and move on your way.

​

If he was actually a good guy or out of your league, he would have taken your rejection in stride - disappointment is fine, badmouthing your choice isn't - and moved on.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you!!!!! I couldn't agree more. And the whole thing with him taking rejection poorly that is exactly why I don't know what to do in these situations.
Option A- just nod and go 'uh-huh' and be super closed off to him until he gets the picture, or
Option B- tell him your not interested and get called a bitch by a stranger while onlookers think your a stuck up ice queen.
Both options suck! I am one of those people that has the hardest time letting someone down.

You don't own them anything. if i confess my love to someone and they say they don't like me back thats okay. sure i will ask some follow up questions and i'll be sad but you don't owe me anything, i would rather have you be honest than fake something.

A lot of us guys seem to be entitled af when it comes to relationships. Most of us have the mindset of, “well I’m interested in her and I like her, so she HAS to reciprocate those feeling or give me a chance.”

Women don’t have to do shit for us, plain and simple. If she doesn’t like us, that’s how it is but we can’t seem to handle rejection and in return show her she’s right by reacting in a negative manner. And from what I’ve seen quite often is that most of the guys who act this way were those babied by their parents and got whatever they wanted.

(I am in no way saying every guy is like what I’ve stated above, I just feel that that group is the majority. There are those of us that can handle rejection maturely.)

NO!!!!!! WOMEN ARE NO LONGER CHATTEL, DAMMIT!!!!
You don't owe ANYBODY ANYTHING just because they "like" you, that's just a manipulative con people use to get what they want at the expense of other people. LOSERS do that!

When somebody says you’re out of their league they are trying to make you feel shitty as revenge for rejecting them and you should be happy you never have to deal with their sociopathic bullshit again.

That said leagues do exist and there are a lot of women who are out of my league for many reasons. There are also some women who Im out of their league and that’s just truth. I don’t think you can just say “JUST BECAUSE HE SAYS IT MEANS HES WAY OUT IF YOURE LEAGUE”. It really depends on the situation. But one thing is for sure true—that dude is a piece of shit and trying to make you feel bad so just tell him he has a little dick and to fuck off and go along your merry way :)

That said leagues do exist and there are a lot of women who are out of my league for many reasons. There are also some women who Im out of their league and that’s just truth. I don’t think you can just say “JUST BECAUSE HE SAYS IT MEANS HES WAY IUT IF YOURE LEAGUE”. It really depends on the situation. But one thing is for sure true—that dude is a piece of shit and trying to make you feel bad so just tell him he has a little dick and to fuck off and go along your merry way :)

Nobody deserves a chance for existing. As you said, you need to want to give them one to begin with for it to be worth it.

As a guy though.. Not an easy situation- for us, unless we make a move on someone, we often won't get their affection. Sticking your neck out to try to get someone to like you.. I can see why a guy would want to double down if he's taking a risk. I don't think it's right, but I see why.

But what do I know. Nobody likes me, I'm unattractive, and I'm socially awkward! I'll never have this issue!

But like...you already knew whilst typing this you don’t HAVE to give a guy a chance, and if he gives you shit for it then he’s a moron. This just seems like a diary entry posted for karma and “yaas queen” replies. Poor quality.

I'm a guy, and the answer is you don't. Any "good guy" that constantly talks about being a good guy, probably isn't doing so purely for the sake of being a kind person. Any guy that expects reciprocation of feelings just because they've done things for you that you never asked them to do probably isn't a great guy. Anyone who still tells others they are out of your league are probably not people you want to associate with. You don't owe anyone anything. It always amazes me when people get upset that someone isn't into them, especially to the point of that person resenting you for it. It's immature and a sign that they fall more in love with the ideas they come up with in their own head than with the actual person that imagined love involves.

I asked a friend out (Karen) and she gently turned me down. I told her that I respected her decision, and told her that I would never ask her out again. But two of our mutual friends (Diana and Steven) refused to believe me. They sought to ruin my friendship with Karen in a misguided effort to protect her, and they succeeded.

I cried for five days because I not only lost Karen, but also Diana and Steven. I lost three friends because of the idea that men cannot accept rejection.

I don't know if Karen would ever talk to me again. I don't know if she hates me and/or fears me. I want so badly to let her know that I mean her no harm, but that would be playing into Diana's and Steven's narrative. I had only been friends with her for a month (known her for about three months before asking her out), not enough time for her to know that I am honest and I keep my word.

It's cold outside today. I would be telling her right now, "Dude, you need to wear warmer clothing. You can't just wear shorts all the time." She hated wearing pants or dresses, and loved wearing shorts despite the cold. I actually miss nagging her to wear weather-appropriate clothing.

You are 100% in the right. A lot of people will drag a relationship along for months because they think they owe a nice person a way-too-long grace period. You don't owe anyone more time if you're not feeling it.

A friend of mine goes on a minimum of 3 dates before calling it quits (as long as the other person also wants to), but one time she was so turned off by this guy that she broke her "rule." Because of how we're conditioned, she felt realy guilty about it and thought she should just stick it out. I'm very glad she went with her gut instead.

As a guy out there who's going through the same. Just Listen to this perspective. I was friends with a girl let's call her S, now about a month into our friendship i proposed to her, i am 18 btw and this is my first crush. She simply didn't have those kinda feelings, i completely respected that and she told me we can be friends like be4. So all's good you think.. Well it's not so simple okay, some of us have feelings and it's not like a switch we can turn off. So We still talked and i'd sometimes randomly joke about my proposal and she laughed along thinking i was chill and didn't care that much. But Truth is it's been kinda 4-5 months but i still cry sometimes, i still miss all the memories we had as friends i haven't seen her in a month and I wouldn't Ever Hate on her for this but please Gals Out there try to be atleast a lil understanding.. A random call to this guy might just make him feel that he still has a friend..

A certain type of lady usually has these types of views, they usually end up married to felines.

It's also the WHOLE REASON behind , you don't know if you like something if you don't try it. This applies to snowboarding, eating a veggie burger and going on a date with Ted. You have to give them all a chance before you rule out things, only blind people, stubborn people, or people who inevitably end up unhappy with life dont try things.

Bollox, do you really have to try eating shit to know it's going to taste awful? I know it's an extreme example but the point is if you know Ted is x, y and z and you hate those traits, why waste both yours and Teds time?

Yes some people are so picky that literally no one passes their ridiculous standards but I don't think that's what this is about.

I think it is what this is about. Also people who in general who don't like to try new things are usually the worst to be around. Always picky, always complaining and never willing to change both mindset and body.

I thought it was more about peer pressure to date someone because the friends had good intentions but actually put unfair and unwanted pressure on OP. We don't know if she's too picky or not by her post.

I'm not asking you to go sky diving, I'm asking you to try snowboarding, I'm not asking you to eat poisonous mushrooms, to just try a veggie burger, I'm asking you to give Ted Smith a chance not Ted Bundy.

So I'm not asking you to get shot, I'm asking you to give a safe activity a shot.

No one is saying you have to, that is just how people react, if you reject a person your friends find attractive or cool, your fiends might get envious of the attention you are getting. Both genders can react badly to rejection.

You are "complaining" about how guys are interested in you.... its the most narcissistic thing i can think of, maybe some of the girls giving you a hard time don't get as much attention from guys. And you act like its some big thing in your life that people suggest you do something you don't want to do(Get used it sister, that's life).

Maybe the insecurity they feel that drives them to make those comments is a much bigger problem, then people suggesting you do something, or telling you what they would have done.

Sorry but you expected it to sound narcissistic for a reason, that is because it is.

You getting asked out makes your friends a little jealous so they react that way. Exactly the same as anyone else.

You complain about their reaction, do you feel entitled to control their reactions?

Your friends are envious of you and this is something you would complain about?

You realize this isn’t a gender thing right. It’s an attraction thing. Guys have to turn down girls that want a chance, too. But since men are expected to make the move, it’s obviously going to happen more with women.

While I agree you there should be no expectation or judgement along with it. Sometimes giving a chance isn’t only gratitude shown for the other party. Sometimes it can end up helping or being enlightening to yourself.

I agree that you shouldn't get crap for rejecting a guy. But there are a lot of people that are into people that are abusive, sexist, controlling, and straight up jerk. These people are usually very confident which makes them appealing and so called "nice guys" are usually insecure (partly from rejection for not being as confident as a jerky guy). Also I think it's interesting that we have a movement about respecting women, treating them with respect, making sure we are all equal, but at the end of the day there are a lot of women not attracted to that. So this creates an issue. At the end of the day we all need to remember that we are all human and we are complicated so if your not attracted to someone that would be good for you than that's your decision, and you shouldnt feel guilty or have resentment at all. But if your in a constant cycle of being with someone that doesn't improve your life, maybe you need to figure out why that's what your attracted too, and maybe other people have a point.

Definitely dont have to because you cant help how you feel about someone. I think this idea comes from if you feel ok about someone then give them a date to actually meet them and you might be surprised. Its hard for guys in the dating world, especially ok looking ones on tinder. I would even practice this myself if i was still looking for a relationship, give people a chance unless im repulsed by them.

It's just incel bullshit. Sometimes I'm not into a girl. Sometimes they're not into me. That's it, there's no explanation required, there's no morality to ponder over. You date or sleep with whoever strikes your fancy and that's all there is to it.

Some people (mostly men) cant handle that and try and turn it into a fucking video game where putting "nice action" coins into the machine makes the "sex" reward plop out and that ain't how it works lol.