TIFU By Asking My Wife to Initiate Sex

This just happened a few days ago. I've told my wife that I wished she would initiate sex more often, and last Thursday she decided to oblige. I was sitting on the couch watching TV when she came out of the bedroom looking sexy the way she does. She grabbed my hands and pulled me up and started kissing me, taking a few steps back towards the doorway to go to the bedroom. We stopped a little and started undressing each other, and when it was my turn to get her pants off I dropped down real quick to get them off asap.

The next thing I felt wasn't joy in getting my wife naked, but searing pain! It turns out that I was too close to the corner of an endtable. I immediately stood up and clenched my cheeks while my wife, God bless her soul, was laughing hysterically trying to squeeze out the words, "You took off part of your butt!"

I ended up leaving a nice sized chunk of skin on the corner of the table. Fortunately it missed my poop chute, but I have a nice inch or so long gouge near my butt bone. That hurts, in addition to the bruising of the buttocks from hitting the table so hard. My wife continued to be double-over laughing while I was trying to stick Kleenex in my crack to stop the bleeding. 4 days later and showers still suck, and I need to be careful when I'm sitting down.

Tl;Dr Asked my wife to initiate sex, ended up taking off part of my butt on a table

Sorry OP, looks like there's not gonna be any pegging for a week or so 😧

Marquis77 5

How could you do this

xTGI_CommanderX 2

Get out

DaveandMorley 1

Someone, please give this person gold!
I am doubled over laughing at that.

Kurigohan-Kamehameha 1

Someone give this man gold goddammit

NewBie1986 1

Or... She didn't =)

jrs1010 1

Slowly claps

jaycuboss 1

Boooo

northeaster17 1

Sometimes you just have to give it up.

bukithd 1

Machine learning hasn't kicked in yet.

CrtureBlckMacaroons 1

Get ass, take names.

solsaver 1

I wish I had gold to give you, sir.

trenlow12 1

I don't think so, I think OP did it by accident on his own.

Solid_Jack 1

(•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)

Japjer 1

!redditsilver

joyous_occlusion 0

!RedditSilver

Yonert -1

Im broke can someone gold this dickhead for me?

KkeithHC 4854

Yeah, but, did you still have sex?

warm_slippers 3291

Yep, with Kleenex between my cheeks and all

dbraskey 1257

That’s the real question.

HUMANPHILOSOPHER 397

He said they were married. So no. Single guy would plow through. No pun intended.

thattanna 148

Username checks out.

Mera_Joota_Hai_Japan 6

Kinda intended tho ;)

unqtious 351

If so... Kinky.

Junduin 206

We wanna know OP. Obviously the end table got a price of ass, but did u/warm_slippers slip?

warm_slippers 338

I did have sex, though a little different than usual since I had to stay clenched so as to not bleed everywhere.

SlowestPotato 353

Would you say, “the tables have turned?”

:D

I’ll let myself out.

kovach01 134

so the roles have reversed

Beverlydriveghosts 122

I think puncturing your asscheeks is the boner killer of the century

rob-job 71

nah

Zach-uh-ri-uh 44

Nah not if you're into humiliation and or pain (which is to say, my kind of guy/f22)

them1lfman 10

I'm into it, but I like my doms mature.

MyWorkAccount9000 -4

Uhh... M27 here haha

Smokeitright 10

Found the girl

PM_ME_UR_AUDI_TTs 38

I was going to upvote this, but you're on 69 points and I can't ruin that

EDIT: Never mind, someone else ruined it, here's your updoot

sofa_queen_awesome 6

The suspense is killing me

cb148 5

@op please?

Xenoni 1

Yea, well, with the table apparently..

AmethystCapybara42 1

That was my first question too.

wolfpack_charlie 1

with the table

foolishle 1

Came to the comments to find out!

Bubberducky97 1

Doesn’t matter, had sex!

fuckchickfila 4203

one nightstand gone wrong

DieselDickDwayne 119

Nice!

rillip 84

Congratulations. That is some next level word play.

phoeniixiinferno 80

I literally said "oooooh" out loud at this. Good one!

jakeGilla 26

Thank you for your service

mperez4855 25

This should be at the top

fullmoonalien 17

Omgg

gatsby712 6

Wow. Damn.

lexikovacs 4

This should have more upvotes.

plasmalightwave 3

Epic.

Nihilistic_Taco -13

over the top comment congratulating you for extremely forced pun

slimeboy420 3598

Jesus what is your end table made of? Razor blades?!

warm_slippers 2263

Just hit the corner, hard :(

Sugar_Mist 1133

You must've been reaaal excited

warm_slippers 482

Yes indeed. Got real un-excited fast.

jjayzx 81

I know the feeling. When I was a kid and my friends and I were wrestling I hit the corner of something with my ass and cut it. My shorts ripped too.

aralim4311 83

I was 13 and my dad made me ride in his utility van. It didn't have any passenger seats as he modified it so my youngest brother who is wheelchair bound could travel in it.
He didn't feel like taking two cars so My mom and I were in it being bounced around, I feel backwards into to hydraulic ramp and gouge my ass right where my crack and back meet. That was incredibly painful and took forever to heal properly.

masterax2000 76

That sounds illegal?

Shoot_Heroin 70

Just slightly.

MisterCBax 51

Less than your username.

aralim4311 9

Just a genie teenie tiny bit

dirtielaundry 21

Yep, very illegal. But if you're visiting your grandma in the middle of Bum-Fuck-Nowhere, East Texas, you can get away with shitty lawn chairs as legit back seats in a plumber's van.

TitlersFinalSolution 3

Depending on what state in the USA you are in riding in the cargo area of a vehicle is perfectly legal.

jessicarae28382 4

20 years later I still have a scar on my chin from the coffee table. Tables suck.

Bonanza86 66

gives you an ice pack

Feel better, sir.

2MuchLabelMakerTape 12

No visit from Dr. Lollipop?

Ihatelordtuts 15

No, but if you're in the mood for sucking on something...

warm_slippers 9

Thank you friend. It gets better every day

burd-the-wurd 21

I know your pain. I have a scar just above my butt crack from standing up into the tub faucet after squatting down to pick up a bar of soap that I dropped. Mostly I just remember how it bled and bled, and how I was sad I couldn't ever find the chunk of skin that damned faucet bit out of my back.

cavmax 6

That is why they make soap on a rope...

kcin911 3

Exact same scar

Gamer1283454 1

Just be glad it didn't happen in jail

Hugo154 9

I know the feeling of getting hurt on something that seems too dumb to be true... I fractured a rib on the edge of my car door trying to get into my car because I was being too hasty and rammed my chest into it.

bequietand 10

I sat down on my brother's toddler bed when I was like sixteen because I felt myself passing out. His GoBot plane was under his blanket, I broke my tailbone on it. :/

FLSun 9

Well you did want a piece of ass. Next time just be careful what you wish for.

xtreme777 4

Why did you delete the story?

warm_slippers 3

I didn’t. I just saw from another comment that they said it was deleted.

thailoblue 2

How? How does an end table carve into human flesh?

digitalhen 2

At least you didn’t do it with your front bottom

cavmax 1

warm_slippers? If ever there was a time for a throwaway this is it!...anyway hope you are feeling better ;)

Oliveballoon 1

Damn. Poor op. Did it stop bleeding? Or you went to emergencies?

lurkuplurkdown 1

I feel you. I did this in the shower the other day. I was squatting in the shower (I was tired) and stood up, tearing off skin against the bathtub faucet in the process. I legitimately may have a scar now forever.

CrazyStupidNSmart 1

Might want to get rounded ones, pointy ends like that can kill people. :(

deadpoolfool400 1

“Oh, yes sir. Bit me right in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but my wife must keep that money 'cause I still haven't seen a nickel of that million dollars.” - OP probably

guy_smiley1985 1

Sounds like it was just the tip ;)

josh_bullock 0

Twice I got off my bed in my dorm room and scraped against the corner of my desk back in college. I have two scars close together on my lower back. I feel the pain.

rebe83 781

(imagine a card) Feel BUTTer Soon

Perm-suspended 242

"So you feel like the butt of a joke? Don't be afraid to table your feelings!"

arudnoh 65

You might think things are bad, butt they could be worse!

adeward 38

I’d like to gouge everyone’s reaction to this joke.

Grill3dCheeze 25

He did say it was an end table.

dolphinesque 19

These jokes are painful. Butt I cracked up.

AWildGoyfAppeared 24

Now that's something I could get behind!

christopher-adam 16

Man, he really arsed for that one.

mylarky -2

South Park has that crappy writed already.

Jedilove1977 448

Well I guess he won't get butthurt again for not getting enough sex in the future lol

berry-bostwick 108

In this case he got butthurt because of getting sex!

Judazzz 392

TIL getting torn a new one is a sexual position.

TheEnKrypt 262

Sex so good, it blew your ass away.

Tbh, I'm jealous of OP.

biasedsoymotel 51

Just try and a find a table and slam your ass down on the corner.

HollowPointJacket 217

“Guess spanking’s not on the menu tonight...”

cfryant 116

I love it when when the TLDR somehow gives you less information than you started with.

warm_slippers 45

Yea I’m not good with stories, and even worse at summarizing them.

whatIsReddit_2015 69

But did you have sex?

r0bbr0wn 15

Someone else here for the real question.

Tnel2030 67

Head line for this :

One night stand gets a piece of ass

StoneyMuggFromAbove 54

I asked this before too but she only wants it when I've worked 10 or more hours in the hot Florida sun and lay down for bed ready for whatever then another 4 to 5 hours pass before she's done doing random things around the house and I'm so tired I can't think straight.

JasonOnTheBeach 40

Be thankful you hit the back and not the front

Wenno 33

God bless her soul, was laughing hysterically trying to squeeze out the words, "You took off part of your butt!"

She's a keeper.

razordaze 33

"Next week on This Old House: we're going to up-cycle some old mandolins and cheese slicers into a beautiful set of end tables."

Viles_Davis 23

Consider getting some sun or taking some Vitamin D. A man still capable of sex shouldn’t be getting skin tears this easily, Dracula.

ImurderREALITY 19

I know I shouldn't laugh, butt I can't stop seeing you lying on the floor bleeding from your crack, ass your cheeky wife laughs hysterically at your pain. If I was you, I'd be ready tuchus her out.

yum_blue_waffles 17

King Arthur was a genius by having a round table.

FecalMeTwice 16

Anyone have a snapshot of the original post? It’s deleted and seems interesting with all the comments

Lucky bastard. Got yourself a keeper that she stepped up to show she cares. Take good care of her.

SmarkieMark -9

Except "she" doesn't really care when he injures himself.

6thComm 1

Jesus. Now you have me questioning if OP shouldn't be deleting the gym, hitting the lawyer and facebook upping.

perlandbeer 3

[removed]

Looks like your wife found out about your reddit shenanigans.

richardsuckler69 3

My boyfriend did this in the shower on the bath faucet thing. He has a scar now. It was hilarious

ilhares 3

I've had this kind of injury. Shame on the Mrs. for mockery. I mean, yeah, locationally funny, but ridiculously unpleasant.

bobbitous 2

I feel you. When I was in my late teens, I had one of my first opportunities to shower with a girl. It was a tub shower, and at one point I squatted down for whatever reason, and when I stood back up, the tub faucet gouged a 1/8" wide groove about an inch and a half long just above my crack.

At least it was my girlfriend for a year-ish, not some one-off, so while embarrassing, it wasn't stop-getting-laid embarrassing. A little Florence Nightingale work and we were back in business.

Mjui122 2

That was the table telling you to go for anal

Slav_1 2

i can't picture this someone draw it in paint real quick or a doodle

shelbyfromtuscaloosa 2

Sounds like you might have needed stitches. But then you'd have to tell this story to more than just reddit. ;)

Anercara 2

I read the tldr and realized I needed to read the whole thing because of the sheer stupidity

kickulus 2

Ah dude don't use Kleenex to klean wounds.

Why did I do that

Moobbles 2

So she tore you a new one?

lizzyb187 2

I did this exact same thing when I was taking off my panties near a table with a sharp corner! I have a long scar on my buttcheek!

reality_aholes 2

You need to let this grab your ass next time. Thanks for the laugh though.

alwaysbuyroses 2

Gonna need less edge on that

some_random_alt 2

butt bone

shearsy13 2

I guess your wife ripped you a new one?

throwawayinaway 2

Butt bone? Is that a thing?

Titas67 2

Yes. Your coccyx is sometimes called your tail bone and is technically the lowest few vertabrae of your spine.

ThatsHowYouGetAnts__ 2

Might wanna go to the doctor to make sure you avoid an infection given the location and all.

bigdongmagee 2

That's my fetish.

fuckitx 2

9 inches holy fuck.

congelar 2

Also.. shower sex. Watch out for those fixtures. :|

idonknowwhat 2

Well what was it? It loaded halfway for me then it was deleted

sunnyday620 2

Totally sucks that you have yourself a new butthole but I would still call it a win. My discussions with my wife about trying to have her initiate sex winds up with me going from a two week streak to a two month streak. So heal up quick and get back on the horse my friend, you've got a good thing going. Next time just wait til the bedroom to do the undressing!

STTM1990 2

Now you have two buttholes!

tribsee 2

I guess you got surprised butt sex

dodekahedron 2

If you're having problems sitting down and cracking the scab, you need be to be keeping it slathered in a moisture barrier. Itll heal faster

LimeBerg1212 2

Please make sure you keep a close eye on that and make sure it doesn’t get infected!

MutantSharkPirate 2

my butt is clenching reading this

thhiiirrd 2

Damn that blows

I had a pilonidal cyst once ☠️

monstertheory 2

I can’t picture how you dropping down too fast allowed a table corner to cut your ass. Is the cut between your ass cheeks? What the fuck?

ChopinPianist 2

I never understood the whole, go-to-the-bathroom-and-get-changed-and-try-to-look-seductive thing.

Raw0625 1

How the fuck is a table sharp enough to cut you

Obscu 0

endedgetable

aaronth07 1

Is your table a fucking knife? How did it take off part of your butt?

RuTwo 1

after reading the TL;DR of this, one kinda HAS to read the rest for context, but it was worth every bit. Hopefully your butt heals soon

MyRealNamesALemon 1

One time my fiancee was working on a project with a box cutter in our bed (I know, bad idea). Well, she was working on it for a while, and then I came in and things started getting bowchickawowwow. Well, things ended pretty soon because in her haste to clear off the bed, she missed the box cutter, and ended up giving herself a good 1-inch cut on the back of her leg near her buttcheek. Fortunately, the blade wasn't out too far, so there wasn't much damage.

Keep your blades away from sex, kids! (unless that's your fetish)

Umutuku 1

That ended with a completely different reason for not being able to sit down than I expected.

slumaqueducts 1

I have a similar story. I was taking a shower with my fiancé and had to be on my knees and upright for something, and when I was finished with the act I stood up quickly and dragged my back along the faucet, which had a really sharp edge. Pretty sure there’s still a scar on my back.

Charon711 1

Nailed it.

My3CentsWorth 1

Asking your wife to initiate was not the fuck up, and very misleading. I feel mods need to crack down on misleading titles.

Shylo132 10

We will look into that. Normally as long as the story checks out we don't mind the title.

CholoSwagginz1221 8

But it's what sprung things into motion

My3CentsWorth -3

Yea but only vaguely. Trying to have sex was what set things in motion, askinv ger to initiate just isnt tangible enough to the fuckup. Its like clickbait. If you go in because the icon was titties, those titties atleast need to occur in the link to be justified.

CholoSwagginz1221 2

No. It made perfect sense. If he didn't tell her to initiate sex then what happened wouldn't have happened. That's it. He's got a draw in Title bit that doesn't make it clickbait. Otherwise his title should just be "I tore open my butt" .

My3CentsWorth -5

No. He did not fuck up by asking his wife to initiate. He fucked up by failing to disrobe his wife. If he wants to mention the initiating in the story, not a problem. But do not put it in the title because you fucked up in loosely related subsequent events.
That's precisely the problem and you shouldn't encourage the click bait. A good story will provide an equally good title, as its a sample of what's to come.

CholoSwagginz1221 -1

No. Him asking her is the reason why his fuck up happened. It's what got him into that situation.

My3CentsWorth 4

By that logic why doesn't he start the story from years ago when he 1st bought the table to furnish his house. We can then call it 'TIFU by getting a loan from the bank'. Just because it happened prior, does not make it a key point, representative of the story. If he believes it adds value, he can include it in the text. But it is not the reason why he fucked up. Its the thing that led to the thing that lead to the fuck up.

CholoSwagginz1221 0

Look man, you just don't understand and it's okay. Move on.

nevaritius 0

No he's right the title is misleading you're just a patronizing jackass.

Artist151 1

I was thrown into a pool from over a workers head and he missed the pool. I landed on my ass on the metal drain. All i felt was electricity and beyond pain before i blacked out. Screwed my back up for life! 22 years later i still have to sit on one cheek, slouch back or put elbows on knees to sit without zaps of pain.

mad-n-fla 1

Instructions to wife unclear.

But hurt is the result.

alognoV 1

Oh man I’ve hit my tail bone before and it hurts

Asianchick69 1

Guess it means no sex for at least a couple of weeks?

ItPutsLotionOnItSkin 2

No butt sex from him for now.

BJayCroft 1

Dang

Roll3d6 1

I did not expect the story to go that way. Then again, neither did OP.

astone4120 1

Ok, I'm sorry for your butt, but it sounds like you have a happy,healthy marriage. And i bet if you asked Reddit, a little ass flesh is well worth that. Good for you and your wife!

TheRealSmom 1

Doesn't matter, had sex

iLNxKwiram 1

Pics are extremely needed

spacetstacy 1

Poor, poor man. Go slower next time

Alethean 1

I like your name. warm slippers. nice

warm_slippers 3

Thanks. I was wearing warm slippers when I discovered the beauty that is reddit.

PollutionZero 1

I have done this...recently. It sucked. A lot.

You have my sympathies.

harsh_marsh7 1

I once had a similar scenario happen in the shower with my wife and I took the drain plunger on the faucet head in my rectum. Huge bloody mess that hurt worse than skateboard injuries, vasectomy, anything really.

Can we take a moment to recognize his awesome wife for taking the initiative?

_Artanos 1

Don't be so butthurt about it, man.

Shylo132

Locked due to spam.

Try again next time folks!

MegaGrimer 0

Butt why?

Inurian59 -1

How in the hell did you drop down THAT fast

idontevencarewutever -1

What the fuck kinda knife-table do you have, goddamn

I'm surprised no one's stabbed themselves countless times on that thing

SunflowerStarfish -1

Then basically you initiated it?

Gandeloft -1

XD

jasonthelamb -1

Doesn't matter - had sex?

Accidental_ISIS -1

asked your wife for sex and tore you a new asshole

Kali1437 -1

Did you hit it tho!?

joshtaylormusic -1

Doesn't matter, had sex.

ConfidentMortgage -1

Ouch... this made me cringe.

TheGamingGeek10 -2

I res it as The Sex

elGatoGrande17 -2

I finally get to a hot post early and can’t think of a damn pun. And there’s an ass injury involved! I swear I had something for this!

Merides 13

You tried, BUTT didn't get anything?

Rodry2808 -2

Do you take turns to taker her pants off?

keltwolf -2

I could marry your wife!!

dorkchopalot -3

Okay, but did you get laid?

tashmaniandevil111 -4

BUT DID YOU HAVE SEX ANYWAY!!??

StolenDoritos -4

"initiate sex"

qualityKnight -4

But, did u have sex?

Incarhead -4

Man up bro. You got the wife to be perfect. Stay positive. It’s just a flesh wound!!

dankMemeManMayne -6

Should have been mindful of your surroundings

genuinepseudo -6

An image of the damage would be awesome to see.

sunsethacker -8

Pics bro.

M1ster3xclusive -11

Hold up, how is nobody freaking out over the wife actually initiating upon request??! /s

mateogg 18

Dude, you're not gonna believe this, but women actually enjoy sex.

Titas67 6

Or maybe he needs a heads-up that if they don't "you aren't doing it right."

M1ster3xclusive 0

This was supposed to be a joke....

Wameslo -13

Very, VERY nice Lisa reference (and if not that's a wild coincidence), upvote for that. Nern would be proud.

didipunk006 -14

You need to lose weight.

EtienneDeCrecy -15

TIFU by bashing my ass against the table, but since that wont get any upvotes, here's a raunchy story I absolutely certainly probably did not make up!

RayZintos -17

<1 year, but still, conflating a sex title with just being a drunk idiot who can’t even remember where you’ve placed your own furniture is misleading. Don’t GAF about downvotes—smd.

throwyeeway 6

Yeah, the story doesn't have much to do with the title...

warm_slippers 6

In my head it does, since if I wouldn’t have asked her to initiate then she wouldn’t have been “spontaneous “ and started in the living room, and I wouldn’t have bashed my ass on the table. I read a lot of these, but I’m not a good writer.

PoorEdgarDerby -18

Jesus I think your wife might be a sociopath. We can only hope it benefits her sex drive.

Hey, at least you want it, mine's being such a drama queen I want a vacation from HER!

RayZintos -24

FU =/= to headline. So, TUFU, as well.

Castigale 9

I'm guessing you're new around here.

SuperFLEB 5

TIFU by clicking this post.

I realized the headline had nothing to do with the fuckup, but I read it anyway then got up to get a drink of water. That's when the arm on my desk chair broke and impaled me through the gut. What a fuck-up!

warm_slippers 2

Usually when I initiate, it’s in the bedroom so she can’t get away, lol. By asking her to initiate she tried to be “spontaneous” and start in the living room. So if I hadn’t asked her to initiate sex, It wouldn’t have happened.

FruitierGnome -27

And if you had laughed in the situation she would have destroyed your life forever. Women not even once.

gnslngr75 -28

Can i get a picture of your wife for reference only?

StardustJojo13 -28

Sorry but talk about having a lousy ass wife. If my husband hurt himself like that I would be concerned and help patch him up immediatelyright after. Then maybe cuddle and give some extra lovin'.

SmarkieMark -9

For real, that's no relationship that I would want to be in.

SmarkieMark -31

Is your "wife" a sociopath? I seriously can't comprehend how anyone right of mind coild laugh hysterically when someone they love gets gruesomely injured.

fridaymang 14

Cause it's hilarious as long as they aren't permanently hurt.

MrPoopCrap -37

Sounds like a serious injury for your wife to be laughing hysterically. Bitch.

Godgivesmeaboner -24

You're probably right but have a downvote for some reason

IllogicalGrammar -82

Your wife's first reaction isn't concern, but rather laughing hysterically?

Sir_Trea 45

You clearly aren't married

IllogicalGrammar -34

If that's what married life is like, then thank goodness I'm not.

transient_morality 17

A healthy dose of mutual schadenfreude is a cornerstone of any functioning relationship ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sir_Trea 15

I'm sure she took one look at him, made sure he wasn't seriously injured, and then started laughing. If you don't want a spouse who can make light of a shitty situation then you are in for one depressing marriage.

jack-blak 38

She ASSumed he was OK.

RobotSkeleton 31

He bumped his ass on a table, he didn't slice open the donger.

TerminalVector 24

That's how you know she's a goodun.

iheartaegislash 3

If this happened to my wife or I both of our reactions would be 1) hysterical laughter 2) figure out if the other person is ok while still laughing 3) if answer to 2 is yes, return to step 1, otherwise get help.