Archive for August, 2010

I recently read that the iphone is on the verge of over taking BlackBerry as the most popular smart phone on the market. I’m personally an iphone user but that’s just because I hip and trendy like that. From what I can tell the most popular feature of the BlackBerry separating it from the iphone is BlackBerry Messenger. Almost all BlackBerry users refuse to part with BlackBerry Messenger despite the fact that almost every phone plan comes with unlimited texting now. In my opinion, unlimited texting negates the need for BlackBerry Messenger but I’m sure most BlackBerry users would disagree with me. Research in Motion isn’t dumb though and recently started a marketing campaign geared towards selling BlackBerry Messenger rather then selling the actual phone.

Here’s one such commercial.

The beauty about this commercial is that it’s really geared towards the vast majority of society. Most people that I know personally do indeed spend the bulk of their time giving people bad haircuts and then bragging about how good of a job they did. The real question that arises from this commercial is not whether I should switch to a BlackBerry or not but rather, if this haircut is worthy of bragging rights, what do the haircuts not worthy of bragging rights look like? The answer to this question is of course… not good.

Conclusion, buy a BlackBerry so you can give people bad haircuts and then brag about it on BlackBerry Messenger.

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I came across a rather novel idea for a music video today. Arcade Fire has essentially found a way to personalize their “We Used to Wait” video with the use of Google Earth and Google Street View. If you go to the Arcade Fire website via Google Chrome and type in your address, your neighbourhood and house appears in the video. Not only is this a pretty deadly concept it’s an unreal tune as well. The one downfall to this video is that if you happen to live in Listowel, Ontario or some other town in the middle of no where you’re going to have to use someone else’s address. Google Earth does not yet recognize the presence of Listowel below the clouds so you’re shit out of luck.

Enjoy!

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I attended a riveting work function yesterday on my day off which is exactly what I wanted to do on the nicest day of the summer. During the stimulating gathering one of my co-workers mentioned that when she was in high school someone threw a Molotov cocktail into the school’s library burning it to the ground. This was actually a pretty interesting conversation for a work function so many follow up questions ensued. One of the follow up questions enquired about the repercussions for the individual who committed the crime. It turns out that Molotov Cocktail Boy went around in advance telling everyone that he was going to throw a Molotov cocktail into the library and burn it to the ground. So, when he actually did it there wasn’t a big investigation and the dummy was expelled. My co-worker ensured me that he wasn’t a very good student so it wasn’t a big deal. I’m sitting there thinking, “You mean to tell me that a guy that goes around school telling everyone that he’s going to throw a Molotov cocktail into the library in advance then throws a Molotov cocktail into the library wasn’t a good student? Shocking.”

I can envision how the student’s meeting with the principal went. The principal sits the kid down and says, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that you are mixing various chemicals and liquids at a university level, which is enough to earn you the schools chemistry award. The bad news is, you are mixing chemicals and liquids at a university level, you clearly have mental issues, you burnt down half the school, you’re going to jail, I’m expelling you from this school and your not going to get that chemistry award. However, you are quite skilled at chemistry so you might want to pursue that passion after you get out of jail.”

Notice the sandwich feedback here, the kids an idiot and his life is ruined but the principal leaves the kid thinking that he is a skilled and promising chemist and that there is still hope for him. What the kid is not aware of at this point is that there is no hope for him and he will likely be the mama in jail.

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After a two week hiatus The Whole Ball of Wax is back refreshed and rarin’ to go! I took a trip back to the homeland in Southern Ontario to spend some time with the family, which was a great little vaca for a variety of reasons. It’s always nice to see friends and family but the fact that I am extremely comfortable pooping in my parent’s bathrooms is the primary reason why I keep going back to visit.

A comfortable pooping environment is paramount in my life and the lack of this environment is the reason why I never once took a poop at school until I was in university. Even then I only pooped in one bathroom. …The handicap bathroom in the basement of one of the libraries. This was the only place I ever felt comfortable enough to poop in my entire academic career. Quiet, spacious and not a handicapped person in sight were the main reasons.

Similarly, I always feel comfortable taking a poop at my parent’s house. It’s not just because I’ve destroyed every toilet in that house countless times either. It’s because I know what kind of space I’m dealing with, I know where the extra shit tickets are, and I know I can take my shirt off should the need arise. Shirts off poops are just the best as far as I’m concerned and having this luxury can really make a vacation special.

I’ll tell you one thing, the day I don’t feel comfortable enough to take my shirt off while pooping at my parents house is the day I don’t feel at home and thus the day I stop visiting my parents.

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For anyone that has taken a political theory class or a philosophy class about some of the great thinkers of history you’ve undoubtedly learned about a guy named Thomas Hobbes. Hobbes is probably most recognized for writing Leviathan which speculates about a world without government where each person would have a right to anything in the world. Hobbes called this the state of nature. Hobbes argued that the state of nature would turn to chaos because it is instinctive in man to be greedy and do whatever it takes to benefit themselves. Another great philosopher named John Locke argued that humans were intrinsically good people and would work together in the state of nature to benefit each other and the common good.

As a student, I always liked to side with Locke’s arguments and think that people would put their own selfish interests aside and help each other. However, I have heard more than enough outrageous stories about selfish, perverted and nasty people in the last two weeks to make me think humankind wouldn’t stand a chance in Hobbes’ state of nature.

There is of course the guy I recently wrote about that tried to marinate his living cat so he could eat it for dinner that night. There was the girl from Burlington who faked having cancer so effectively that she managed to scam the community for some 30 plus thousand dollars in charitable donations. Reports yesterday told the story that a man had been charged for serial faking seizures at restaurants in order to get out of paying his bill. Apparently this guy would eat his meal and then with like six bites left he would just shut it down and fake a seizure. These three cases are all pretty bad but you know the world is headed for shit when a story like this comes out of the most magical place in the world… Disney Land! Apparently the guy dressed up as Donald Duck grabbed himself a wing full of boobs and then made a grotesque and sexual jester at the women when she shunned the famous duck with a speach impediment. Apparently, things at Disney have gotten so bad they had to hire Antoine Dodson to create their newest slogan, “Ya’ll betta hide ya kidz, hide ya wife and hide ya huzbin cuz eddybudy gettin titty grabbed out heya!”

Now if a woman can’t go to Disney Land without getting her titties all felt up by Donald Duck and Disney can’t function without the support of Antoine Dodson how are humans going to live in Hobbes’ state of nature where everyone has the right to everything?

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An interesting story out of Buffalo, NY surfaced today. Apparently a guy was pulled over by police for some traffic violation or another. Upon questioning, the officer heard a noise from the trunk and asked the man to open his truck. It was then revealed that there was a cat in the trunk soaking in a pot of marinade. When asked why the cat was marinating in a crushed red pepper, chili pepper, salt and oil marinade the man contested that the cat had been “mean” to him earlier in the day. I don’t think the guy ever admitted to it but authorities assumed he was going to cook the cat up as a meal. Surely, this guy’s form of punishment for cats isn’t just to marinade them and give them a bath after they’ve learned their lesson.

This is one of the most outrageous stories I’ve heard in a while. I’m not a chef by any means but I’m pretty sure you can’t marinade a living animal that still has its fur. I feel as though the marinade just wouldn’t take. Also, I don’t think cats are good eatin’. The marinade does sound tasty though so I might give that a whirl in the future.

I couldn’t decide which category to place this article in so let the record show that marinating cats really grinds my gears.

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The only time rape becomes acceptable to joke about is when it is unsuccessful and the people involved unintentionally turn their story into a Mad TV skit.

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You definitely have a rape problem in your neighbour hood when you need to start hiding your husbands from rapists. Hardly anyone’s husbands ever got raped where I came from so you know the rapists in this guy’s neighbour hood mean business.

Living in the projects must be tough!

No good video on youtube goes by without being turned into a remix anymore and this one is no exception.