Dance Moms Recap: No Crying in Dance

Welcome back to Pittsburgh, folks! Everyone’s here and we’re ready for more Dance Moms after the jump!

We start out with Abby immediately judging Brooke for not having her hair in a bun. Not like it matter since half of them wear pony tails anyway. Kelli mentions the Hat Incident and it looks like Christi’s not here. Paige says she doesn’t want to dance without Chloe. There are sad faces and we vault right into the Pyramid of Shame with a speech about how last week we were all losers and this week, we’re all winners. Everyone’s good, but not good enough. It’s never good enough. This is why I drink.

Kendall’s on the top of the POS and Jill’s super excited. Abby says something about how Christi and Chloe can’t handle all this, but she’s talking out of her ass again. Second, we have Maddie who was just ok, and Nia who didn’t do much. Third is Paige because Abby can’t just tell her things once. McKenzie because she was sleeping at some point during the competition, and Chloe, who’s on suspension, round out the bottom. Jill acts shocked and asks what this all means. Kelli, exasperated, wonders what Brooke has to do to come back, and Abby replaces Chloe’s picture with Brooke’s.

The team is heading to Star Power in Detroit and it looks like Candy Apples is joining. Jill was hoping to enjoy Kendall’s moment, but won’t be able to, due to the Wicked Witch of Ohio. Kendall gets a solo, and Paige and Nia get a duet. Maddie also gets a solo but it comes with a speech about how Abby needs *someone* to dance and since everyone GOOD is gone, Maddie’s the best left over. If we don’t win, everyone’s being replaced. Not after this season airs, they won’t. . .

We catch a glimpse of kids in class and their tendus are painfully bad. How does this school have a reputation?

During duet rehearsal, Nia is going be the wallflower and Paige is the wild child in some eye rolling number. Up in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, Holly’s nervous because Nia’s ben diagnosed with Pain Management Disorder which is brought on by stress. So, why are you still at the studio that verbal abuse built? Kelli wishes Christi were here to make us laugh and there’s a lot of said music about Nia’s future while Abby yells at her downstairs.

Meanwhile, in Ohio, there’s a lot of excitement for this boys group. There’s some dance mom with REALLY ugly hair, and everyone feels ripped off. Cathy makes some fat jokes about Abby and pulls out the digital POS. Some kid named Gino is from Miami and is doing a solo. The Dance Dads are ready for war.

Holly and Nia have a lifetime moment, with Holly monologueing about Nia’s pain while Nia looks like she’s over this entire set up. It lasts a while and I’m sure someone out there is crying. Also, Holly is looking GOOD. Something about her make up or hair or something but she needs to keep this stylist.

Group number rehearsal and it’s some piece called Avalanche about “burying everyone alive.” Christi is nowhere to be seen and Melissa is REALLY into this theme. Abby makes a big deal about the prop they will use and I fully expect some sort of life size Chloe doll that they will all dance on or pretend to eat or something. It ends up being a really ugly end table thing. While we’re looking at the “prop” Sophia and her mom walk in. Abby says she wants to hear everything but doesn’t have the time. Upstairs, the moms worry about who’s solo is getting cut. There’s talk back and forth and Kelli runs downstairs to schmooze Barbie Mom into getting some agents. The other moms have a good laugh about this.

Cathy’s teaching her boys some number that involves the guys dancing with magazines and something about being into a girl, which is somewhat hilarious. My friend says “I can tell which ones will come out. And which ones will be bottoms.” Cathy is somewhat flirting with the Dance Dads and sends the boys out to refuel, which is an unfortunate turn of phrase.

More duet rehearsal! Nia’s been mentioning her foot and Holly is watching everything. Christi’s calling someone, I think, but I’m not sure because all we see is Kelli complain about Christi not calling. Jill sends Kendall in the room to inform Abby it’s time to rehearse, and Abby does not like this turn of events. Abby claims that all of this is too much for Kendall and that the girl is going to buckle. Jill’s angry and Kendall starts crying. Abby immediately acts like this is the worst thing a nine year old girl can do and calls Kendall disrespectful, who immediately heads back to the dressing room to break down. Barbie Mom looks incredibly uncomfortable. During the group number, they’re all wearing some sort of cold weather hat and they look weird. Sophia, it seems, will be doing a solo, but since Abby only put in for two, and doesn’t know how to ask people for things, can only bring two solos, so someone’s getting cut. Jill’s pretty sure it’s going to be Kendall.

In Ohio, Vivianne and Cathy are doing some antique shopping. There’s talk about how not only do we have to beat Abby, but also how we should throw in a girl into the group number. Vivi perks up and is immediately, “I’m not dancing, so fuck off, Mom.” Ok, she doesn’t say that, but she’s very adamant that she is not participating in this nonsense. They look around for something for Abby. Something cheap.

The next day, there’s more rehearsal and Sophia isn’t there. Oh noes! The moms immediately turn on Sophia and her mother, thinking she’s ditched the school (She probably has). Jill likes the duet number, but Holly spills the beans that Abby’s hated this dance from the get go, and has done all she can to sabotage the piece. Rehearsal has stopped and Abby is looking at Nia’s foot and Holly RUNS into the studio before Abby can do any further damage. Abby agrees to let Holly take Nia to the ER. In the dressing room, Holly explains what’s going on to Paige and Maddie, and it’s the most normal human interaction I’ve ever seen on this show.

At the doctor’s office, Holly asks Nia to be honest with the doctor, and Nia has a hilarious face like she knows all of this is bullshit and she’s just patiently waiting for the train wreck. The doctor comes in and there are no lumps, just pain. Nia’s cleared to dance, but the doctor strongly recommends rest.

Cathy’s teaching her boys some incredibly queeny dancing. Gino needs to make sure that he is the ultimate combination of everything. Cathy even calls him her “Secret pocket weapon” which sends my friend into hysterical laughter.

Barbie Mom and Sophia still aren’t back and this causes Abby’s hair to go flat and stringy. Jill says to bring in Chloe, which makes Abby see red. Abby immediately turns on Sophia, saying that that girl has too many things going on, which might be true, or it could be that she and her mother got tired of watching your child abuse ring.

Cathy shows up in a limo and is pleased that at least she beat Abby in transportation.

Abby’s hair is HUGE coming out of the van, and gauntlets are thrown before we even walk in the door. OF course, Abby’s the first one to snap and starts screaming at everyone and immediately digs into the kids, which upsets the Dance Dads, one of whom gives it right back. Abby yells that he’s not being much of a gentleman. Well, she’s not being much of a lady.

Backstage, Abby admits that she drove Sophia off, but no one’s really sure what that means. Abby also states that she thinks the moms should have staged the walkout without their daughters, but that would have defeated the purpose. Abby also thinks that Nia is faking her pain, which irritates Holly, who goes into School Principle mode, which Abby doesn’t like and says that Holly has an ugly mouth. Yeah, right woman. Holly calls Abby evil, which is the worst I’ve ever heard from her, and Abby pulls the duet. During all this, Cathy shows up to gloat about Sophia and Chloe and show off her retinue of men.

Christi’s still not answering and Kelli is getting angrier by the minute. Holly and Kelli have to inform their daughters that Abby pulled the duet and the girls immediately start sobbing. Abby blames Kelli, who had nothing to do with this. Kendall walks in looking horrified that she has to deal with Abby and Holly goes to the bathroom to break down.

Kendall’s solo. The costume doesn’t fit right. The mask gets in the way. The song doesn’t make sense and the choreography is weird. Gino. Oh lord, there’s a phone and he’s “calling a girl.” Other than that, his dancing isn’t too bad.

Kelli and Holly have a pow-wow in the bathroom and come out to decide that they should act as if everything is ok. They go to get the girls ready.

Maddie is doing a “lyrical” solo, and is slightly off from where she was before.

Backstage with the Apples and we get advice like “no one is your friend before a competition.” The boys come out with their Dance Magazine props, since that’s as risqué as we’re going to get. The dancing’s not bad, but it’s all very Dream Street, if you remember THAT prepubescent boy band. My friend is reasonably convinced by the acting and the dads go into full on football mode.

Avalanche goes on and it’s just weird. The prop on stage is hilarious in the fact that it doesn’t look like anything and the music is oh so serious. Abby’s not happy and I can’t tell why, unless it’s the fact that Nia’s a little late.

Awards. Gino gets eighth place, oddly enough. Maddie gets first. Kendall doesn’t place. Avalanche gets third place and Cathy’s boys gets first. Abby isn’t happy and everyone’s crying, except Cathy. Barbs are exchanged and Cathy talks about Kendall which infuriates Jill. One of the dads has a fat joke. Backstage, Cathy follows Abby in and Abby immediately throws water on her. Cathy responds by hitting Abby with her bag. Jill throws more water on Cathy and a fight almost happens. Kelli and Holly just look like they are angry and done. The Dads are reveling.

Abby gets on the phone and is sobbing. It turns out that she’s calling her mom. Melissa sees a chance to suck up and goes into total Marcy mode. Abby is playing the victim and leaves out A LOT in her retelling of what happens, and also mentions that she’s “Done.” Whatever that means.

Next time! Christi and Chloe come back to yell! The duet finally happens!