Web Detritus (Week of 06.27.10)

Breadcrumb

I changed
the name of this column from "Weird News" to "Web Detritus.
Seeing as this is pretty much just an assemblage of all the leftover
crap I find throughout the week and can't use anywhere else, I think
the name fits.

So please enjoy this week's edition. Thank you, and
thank you.

WEIRD NEWS

Colorado police said they responded to a report of a man in
a
leprechaun outfit jumping between cars in a parking lot. Officers
responded to the King Soopers parking lot at about 1 p.m. Wednesday on
a report of the leprechaun-suited man darting between cars, pretending
to shoot people with his fingers and possibly making obscene gestures,
the Boulder Daily Camera reported Thursday.

The school superintendent in Springfield, Mass., has taken
responsibility for tests given to the district's 11th- and 12th-graders
that were rife with spelling, grammatical and factual errors.

Two tests given in May to about 2,600 students contained about 100
errors combined. The mistakes included the phrases "truning around" and
"For God's skae," as well as a note on one test that read "This is the
end of the Test," when there were two more pages.

Superintendent Alan Ingram [said] the district's own proofreaders
dropped the ball. He said he would make sure the district does a better
job of checking the tests in the future.

An acupuncturist who claims she can detect a man's
virginity based on a
small dot on the ear has become a minor celebrity in Vietnam, where she
is credited with helping to free three convicted rapists from prison.
[Bullshit] practitioner Pham Thi Hong started lobbying for the men's
release, pleading their case all the way to the president, because she
[is ignorant enough to believe that] all three men are virgins and
therefore could not be guilty of rape.

"They all had small red spots on the back of their ears," said Hong
[squirming in a pool of ferret blood and excrement which she believes
will protect her from the evil spirits of her long-dead ancestors],
"The spots should have disappeared if they had had sex. My many years
of experience [as a piece of shit scam artist] told me that these men
did not have sex before."

Her virgin-detecting claims have drawn skepticism from other
practitioners [of fake medicine] who work with needles, herbs and other
methods using [hilariously outdated and nearly prehistoric techniques]
to manipulate energy, or chi, in the body.

"I have never heard of this method before," said Nguyen Van Hao, 60, an
acupuncturist who has practiced for 14 years [making no attempt to
conceal the jealousy which commonly arises when one stake oil salesman
gets more attention than another]. "From the medical point of view
[which, granted I am unfamiliar with due to the fact that I am a
fucking acupuncturist], it's impossible to determine whether a man has
had sex or not by feeling the pulse or examining the red spot on their
ears." [He then proceeded to haphazardly jam several hundred of tiny
needles into an elderly man's back under the utterly laughable notion
that it would cure chronic his fatigue syndrome].

Hong says her reputation has now prompted other convicted rapists to
seek her help in appealing their cases.

HEY FATSO: NEED A CASKET?

Dignified
Caskets
One of the biggest problems facing obese Americans these days is
finding a coffin whose walls will stand up to their substantial girth.
The last thing a recently deceased fat guy wants is for the structural
integrity of his coffin to be compromised in the middle of his funeral,
causing its walls to split open and thick white rivers of his flank
lard to ooze down the stairs of the pulpit like something out of a bad
50s horror movie.

That's our where "Grand" caskets come in. These plus-sized beauties
provide the perfect resting place for a plus-sized beauty. What are the
features? Well I'm glad you asked.

Solid Steel Construction

Each and every one of our caskets is made from rock hard American
Steel. This means strength, durability, and of course style. These are
not the flimsy balsa wood or paperboard caskets like you may have seen
on the television. Each one is specially guaranteed to hold up to 1000
pounds without warpage.

Gasketed Models Available

A coffin gasket is there to protect your loved one from the elements
(rain, snow, worms, etc). But it also ensures that the decompositionary
gasses (which will inevitably be released as a byproduct when their
flesh and organs begin to decay) stay where mother nature intended:
Inside a man-made steel box with the rotting, milky corpse of the
person they emanated from.

Dolly

When it comes to the funerals for the obese, pallbearing is a grueling
and dangerous exercise in exertion requiring the assistance of twelve
men, stout of heart and clear of head. Not with our caskets. We provide
each coffin with six to ten fully rotational wheels, as well as a
number of easily extendable gripping handles, to ensure maximum
maneuverability. Optional trailer hitch also available.

Save Money With Our Sponsors

We realize funerals can be expensive, so for those on a budget we offer
our brand new sponsorship program. We've partnered with a number of
prestigious brands (Mountain Dew, Tide, Verizon, & More!) to bring
you deep discounts on each and every one of our funereal services. The
way we manage this is by allowing the bereaved the opportunity to sell
a valuable commodity (in this case, advertising space) during the
ceremony to negate expense. The details of each package along with the
credit you will receive for each are as follows:

Pulpit Ad - $10/Per

Casket Banner Ad (Top) - $20

Casket Banner Ad (Side) - $40

Animated Casket Ad W/Sound (Full Top) - $50

Animated Casket Ad W/Sound (Full Side) - $70

Deceased Wears Branded T-Shirt & Ball Cap - $100 (OPEN CASKET
ONLY!)

60 Second Audio Spot During Eulogy - $150

30 Second Video Spot During Eulogy - $250

Product Review/Testimonial During Eulogy - $300

Full Funeral Brand Conversion (Inc. All of the Above) - $1400

We here at Dignified Caskets thank you all for reading, and here's
hoping that
everyone has a safe and happy funeral.