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Monday, October 6, 2008

Six Degrees of Quirky Uncoolness

One day last week, for no apparent reason, this blog received about 200 random visits, two-thirds of which were from people searching for "Kari MythbustersMentos" or some derivative thereof.

Now, I did make a brief mention of my occasional daydreams of this red-haired vixen geek.

Once.

Back in July.

Sorry to disappoint you, Google oglers. However, if you had anything to do with the fact that a few days later my blog subscriptions increased by 33 percent, then God bless every horny one of you. For your trouble and your patronage, I give you this:

One random quirk deserves six more. For iMommy, MattDaddy and the many other bloggers who tagged me or awarded me yet more Pico y Arte (Spanish for "contagious lack of cash equivalent") awards in the last month, here are six random quirks of mine:

1. When my copy of Newsweek arrives, I employ the following methodology:-- First, find and chuckle at the quotes and cartoons on the "Perspectives" page.-- Skip back to read the "My Turn" column then curse myself for never submitting something because most of the ones they print are totally lame.-- Finally, flip to the back-page column and, depending on the week, either wonder a) if Ambien CR pills are really ground up, compressed George Will columns that mention baseball, Tocqueville and/or the Federalist Papers, or b) how a woman as successful as Anna Quindlen can't get a better stylist for photo shoots. I mean, look at this:

Her new column photo is a bit better. But not much.

2. I roll the toothpaste tube from the end. My Love, however, is a squeeze-from-the-middle kinda gal. When the police arrive, please let them know this.

3. I put Tabasco on lasagna. Homemade or store-bought frozen, fresh from the oven or straight from the fridge, meat-filled or vegetarian, I douse it. My handiwork is rumored to have inspired that "smell of Napalm in the morning" line in Apocalypse Now.

4. When telemarketers cold call me for "charitable donations," I always say, "Yes! Please! Put me down for $50!" When the pledge form arrives, I feed it to the paper shredder. Eventually they call again, ask what happened to my pledge, I apologize and they send another form that I again shred. I got one alleged state firefighters' association to send me pledge forms six times. Suckers! **sniff** Is that smoke? Nope, just my lasagna.

5. See this scar on my knee:

Thirteen stitches from successfully blocking home plate so the go-ahead run wouldn't score during a baseball game at age 14. Unless you are my wife, my doctor or my massage therapist, don't touch it. Gives me the heebiejeebies. But if I pass out after one too many, it's fair game for you to draw smiley faces on it.

6. When the words won't come, I listen to one of two never-fail CDs: Utopia Parkway by Fountains of Wayne and Fizzy Fuzzy Big & Buzzy by The Refreshments. I've drafted many quarterly letters from CEOs to the beat of "Well I've been saving for a custom van/And I've been playing in a cover band/And my baby doesn't understand/Why I never turned from boy to man." Or the irony of this:

Oops, subscription numbers dropping again. Let's go down together, down together … and over to Humor-Blogs.com so you can give me a knee-worthy smiley face.

Huh. I'm kind of a redhead, I am kind of a vixen (it's a part-time job), and MY blog subsriptions jumped dramatically this weekend. I mean to the point that I checked and re-checked just to be sure I didn't click something wrong. I should now check my stats to see if people want me to get freaky with the fresh maker.

I, too, despite attempted self-imposed discipline, skim through my Newsweek the same way. I tell myself to patiently read the first few pages of junk before the cartoons and the "My Turn" section, but end up flipping to "just take a peek." Hope nothing major ever takes place before those two sections, because I think we all hurriedly skim them. Even though I work at a job where I write all day, I'm not really a "writer" per se. However, I wish every week that I would just come up with and submit something to that danged magazine because like you, I don't think they're ever really that good. So I vote you to go for it.

telemarketers...nope don't love them. we don't have to worry about them over here, but i know that they will start calling as soon as we step foot in america again. i'll be prepared with some ammo now!

um how do you know so much about your blog visitors!!! big brother come to me. i want the scoop. shit my cat just knocked over every single paper i had piled up on the printer.nice to find your blog through Five Star-