I used to be able to sit down without seeing parts of my body labelled as confectionery items or some other “lovingly” placed putdown. Nowadays, take a seat – see a muffin top. Clap your hands and you get the jiggly marshmallow arms or sit down and have someone you know tease you about the width of your legs. Wear your favorite shirt and have your fat bursting at the seams. You get the playful monikers that refer to a certain body part or another crude derogatory term (but good Lord, don’t be offended it’s just friends teasing) every time you do something that could point to your body fat. Honestly, I think the only good thing about the fact that I’ve grown bigger are the size of my breasts.

There’s really something to be said about a person’s insecurities being brought out in the open by the people you care about the most. At some point you only have yourself to blame for letting yourself go, that’s true. But where does the line blur and fade between friendly jostling and outright insulting?

There are days when the ribbing doesn’t get to me and I tend to just laugh things off or make a few jokes at my own expense. But sometimes, (and you know this is true) sometimes when you’re already feeling a little too down and someone makes a little insensitive comment about your chubby anything and you just want to scream at them. “I get it okay? Jesus Christ I totally get it! I am chubbier, fatter, heavier than what I used to be! I’m not blind – I can see it in the photos we take together, I can read the numbers on the scale and I can tell from the reflection in the mirror.”

And it’s not that I’m not trying… (squeaks the defensive voice at the back of my head) I have lost some weight that I’ve gained from all the kummerspeck I’ve done but I know where my faults are, how I don’t religiously attend to the exercise regime I vowed to attend to daily, how I cheated and shoved that second piece of birthday cake down my gullet, how I chose the regular Coke over the glass of cold water. I know. I know. I know.

You don’t have to remind me. You don’t have to pinch the fat round my sides or ask me “Do you really want to eat that?”

It’s harder because I’m older, I have more money to buy the yummy high calorie sweets and I’m lazier too. I know all my defects you don’t have to point it out. But I am trying. My metabolism isn’t what it used to be in college and I don’t have the time to spend an hour each day going to the gym anymore. Nowadays, I work more than 8 hours a day – I work even when I’m at home and while I wish I could spend an extra hour on the treadmill; there are days when my brain is telling me I need a break and to just lie down and rest.

I don’t always complain when you tease me about it. I understand that it’s going to be something people around me do from time to time but I I also wish that sometimes – you keep your trap shut especially when you know how bad of a day I’ve had.

So please, I appreciate that you’re just trying to point me in the right direction. But can you cut me some slack once in a while? For the sake of our friendship, shut up. To be honest, this is why sometimes I don’t want to be around you. Because while I am okay with the occasional teasing, I am not okay with you doing it every time we’re together.

I understand your pain … there is nothing to be gained by body shaming others. But we tend to be our harshest critics, and are guilty of saying some truly despicable things to ourselves in our heads. I use humour to deflect from my own body issues a lot. It’s a little habit I have gotten into. It kind of gives others permission to snark off a comment about your weight too. I, like you, can handle it one minute … but another may see me in a vulnerable place, and wanting to force feed fries to the person poking fun at me until they pass out … but all the while smiling and gritting my teeth. These sorts of things don’t motivate us … they depress us. So I had enough of all the shaming and decided to teach myself how to love my body … every single extra bit of it … just as it is right now.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to lose a bit of weight – I do. But the kinder approach has now seen me happily lifting weights to tone up while watching a TV show I love … the motivation returned when I started being nicer to myself … so please be nicer to yourself too.

Exactly what I feel! Thank you for understanding! I feel like we’re kindred spirits in our struggles and experiences now. ^__^ Hopefully I get to read through all your posts and share my thoughts of them myself, and make you feel humbled and happy the way you honored me with visiting.

Yes … absolutely kindred spirits! I knew that when I saw your writing on body issues and the ex boyfriend 🙂 I look forward to reading a whole lot more of what you have written – both past and future posts. Also, after I checked out your blog a few days ago, you inspired what should be my next post … I’ll be mentioning you in it … hope that’s okay? And naturally, linking to your fabulous blog also. xx