Failed in every aspect of becoming a mother.

Failed in every aspect of becoming a mother.

Hi

This is my first post or blog, i'm not actually too sure if this is aloud. If im honest im making this post out of desperation. Desperation to find others in the same boat, or others that have some knowledge or advice on any of these topics.

A little bit about me and my wonderful husband. Im 25 my friends and family would describe me as OCD, old fashioned and positive. My husband is 26 direct, kind and also a slight bit OCD. We met early on and got married young. We both had a very high standard of what we wanted in life. We always knew how we wanted things to go.. That's the OCD coming out. We met, we had a magical engagement, followed by a beautiful wedding, shortly after went onto buy our first home. We worked very hard both together and at times separately. (due to to deployments.) I had a terrible childhood, i always wanted to be able to give a child everything they needed. We finally had everything and more to give to a child. A loving home, with 2 loving parents, security, stability. I'm a nurse and my husbands in the forces, so between us you'd think we'd have the knowledge and courage to us through this difficult time. Unfortunately, even with bags of OCD, you cannot plan for infertility.

After years of procedures, scan and SO many doctors. Trying to find out what is causing the infertility, we decided to get things moving. We gave 'clomid' a go.. 3 go's to be precise.. Let me just say that stuff is called the devils pills because is truly is evil. But i did and got through it with the help of my husband. Anything for a step towards our dreams. Unfortunately all 3 rounds of clomid failed! So we moved on to a more aggressive course of action.. IVF + ICSI. We used both for the absolute best result. After all of the injections and pessaries, they took 9 eggs! Couldn't believe it, was absolutely chuffed. 8 of the eggs matured which was wonderful. Yet when it came to fertilising our sperm and eggs together to make an embryo. It wasn't as positive. Only 1 ok embryo and 1 confused embryo came from it. They then asked both of us if we wanted one or both of the embryo's put back in. Which was a tough one, we weighed up the risks and went ahead with both embryos. Unfortunately, our little twinnies didn't make it. Everyone kept telling us before the IVF + ICSI 'ohh your both so young, it will be easy.' Well that was a crock of ****. Our dreams have been crushed, we really thought we would have our christmas miracle. Some jolly happy news to share with someone this xmas at last!

I'v become so desperate for our family, all we want is a baby to love. We looked into adoption, but we have our heart so set on a baby. A newborn. I understand it may sound ungrateful to some. Im always told 'the newborn stage isn't all of that anyway.' Its always by people that have children and already got to experience the newborn stage with their children. All the research iv done on adopting a newborn. Seems virtually impossible. Especially in the UK! Most adoptions say 4+, i understand of course all children need a loving home. Yet right now, all i dream of is holding our baby in my arms. Adopted or not.

So you now know our story, if you have a similar journey and have any thoughts on if to keep going through IVF + ICSI.. Or have any advice or knowledge on newborn adoptions? If anyone out there also couldn't have children, what did they do. What helped heal the pain and loneliness.

I didn't want to read and run but unfortunately don't have much advise to give you. We are relatively early in our infertility journey having been ttc for 16 months so I can only imagine how hard it's been for you both.

This may not mean anything to you at the moment but you never know when that miracle might happen.

A family friend of ours went through 2 failed rounds of IVF and ICSI after unexplained infertility. They were told that her egg and his sperm just did not like each other and some of the embryos just did not look right. They guessed this is why they had not been able to conceive, both their genes made chromosomal abnormalities. Shortly after the failed rounds she was diagnosed with MS and gave up on her dream of being a mum. 4 years after beginning their journey she got the surprise of her life when she got a natural BFP. Their little boy has just celebrated his 1st birthday.

Another friend of mine went through 3 rounds of IVF and ICSI due to unexplained infertility. The first round was unsuccessful, the 2nd round resulted in a miscarriage and the 3rd round resulted in their daughter. When she was 11 months old my friend fell pregnant naturally. Again a complete surprise. If she had given up first time she wouldn't have her daughters.

My husband and me got married when I was 19 and immediately wanted to start trying for a baby after 2 years of no success we had scans tests and eventually were told that I didnít ovulate and might never have a child . We tried to move on and leave it but all it seemed to do was intense the emotion of how much I wanted to be a mum , so we looked into adoption and because we are a forces family and move around a lot we were advised that we would probably have no success .

Few months went by and to my complete shock I was pregnant we had a scan due to me having some spotting and found we were loosing the baby . Fast forward a few months I found I was pregnant again went for a scan no baby after few more scans and blood tests they said it was a ectopic pregnancy , 6 months went by I was pregnant again we miscarried again . 3 months went by and I was pregnant again but sadly this baby was born sleeping 4 months went by pregnant again miscarried again .

9 months went by and I was pregnant again this baby are little gift from above fought a difficult pregnancy and being born early to make are little family . I know my ttc story isnít a positive one as I think about the babyís I lost and the unfairness but I hope it shows that even when youíve been kicked to the ground and feel like you canít do it any more that you honestly should keep fighting because you never know whatís around the corner .

My husband and me got married when I was 19 and immediately wanted to start trying for a baby after 2 years of no success we had scans tests and eventually were told that I didnít ovulate and might never have a child . We tried to move on and leave it but all it seemed to do was intense the emotion of how much I wanted to be a mum , so we looked into adoption and because we are a forces family and move around a lot we were advised that we would probably have no success .

Few months went by and to my complete shock I was pregnant we had a scan due to me having some spotting and found we were loosing the baby . Fast forward a few months I found I was pregnant again went for a scan no baby after few more scans and blood tests they said it was a ectopic pregnancy , 6 months went by I was pregnant again we miscarried again . 3 months went by and I was pregnant again but sadly this baby was born sleeping 4 months went by pregnant again miscarried again .

9 months went by and I was pregnant again this baby are little gift from above fought a difficult pregnancy and being born early to make are little family . I know my ttc story isnít a positive one as I think about the babyís I lost and the unfairness but I hope it shows that even when youíve been kicked to the ground and feel like you canít do it any more that you honestly should keep fighting because you never know whatís around the corner .

First of all, i'm so very sorry for the journey and sadness you have had to face. You are one brave and courageous women! Thank you so much for sharing your journey with me. You have given me hope and strength to keep fighting. I really hope you get your happy ending and complete your family one day soon.

I didn't want to read and run but unfortunately don't have much advise to give you. We are relatively early in our infertility journey having been ttc for 16 months so I can only imagine how hard it's been for you both.

This may not mean anything to you at the moment but you never know when that miracle might happen.

A family friend of ours went through 2 failed rounds of IVF and ICSI after unexplained infertility. They were told that her egg and his sperm just did not like each other and some of the embryos just did not look right. They guessed this is why they had not been able to conceive, both their genes made chromosomal abnormalities. Shortly after the failed rounds she was diagnosed with MS and gave up on her dream of being a mum. 4 years after beginning their journey she got the surprise of her life when she got a natural BFP. Their little boy has just celebrated his 1st birthday.

Another friend of mine went through 3 rounds of IVF and ICSI due to unexplained infertility. The first round was unsuccessful, the 2nd round resulted in a miscarriage and the 3rd round resulted in their daughter. When she was 11 months old my friend fell pregnant naturally. Again a complete surprise. If she had given up first time she wouldn't have her daughters.

I hope these stories might just give you a little bit of hope.

Xxxx

Sent from my iPhone using Netmums

Hi Paula,

Thank you for sharing your journey and the journeys of your friends. Im sorry youve been trying for 16 months with no success yet. I have my fingers crossed for you too. It sounds like your very positive and have a lot of hope. Thank you for passing that onto me.

Hi I just wanted to leave a message to say.. I know how you feel I thought it would never happen for me having triple infertility I have endometriosis, pcos and adenomyosis I never gave up it took from 18 to 27-28 for me to have a baby via ivf and I got more embryos frozen.. I'm very lucky..although I lost my one baby in this pregnancy my other has survived and I'm now 37 weeks pregnant my point is that you should never give up because it is possible even when it feels like everything is against you

Hi I just wanted to leave a message to say.. I know how you feel I thought it would never happen for me having triple infertility I have endometriosis, pcos and adenomyosis I never gave up it took from 18 to 27-28 for me to have a baby via ivf and I got more embryos frozen.. I'm very lucky..although I lost my one baby in this pregnancy my other has survived and I'm now 37 weeks pregnant my point is that you should never give up because it is possible even when it feels like everything is against you

Pregnant 37 weeks IVF Rainbow baby

Mc 5 Weeks/5days (vanishing twin) ⭐️
Mc 5 years ago ⭐️

Hi Mish,

Wow, that is great news! Congratulations! Thank you for sharing, your positivity is gleaming.

This is my first post or blog, i'm not actually too sure if this is aloud. If im honest im making this post out of desperation. Desperation to find others in the same boat, or others that have some knowledge or advice on any of these topics.

A little bit about me and my wonderful husband. Im 25 my friends and family would describe me as OCD, old fashioned and positive. My husband is 26 direct, kind and also a slight bit OCD. We met early on and got married young. We both had a very high standard of what we wanted in life. We always knew how we wanted things to go.. That's the OCD coming out. We met, we had a magical engagement, followed by a beautiful wedding, shortly after went onto buy our first home. We worked very hard both together and at times separately. (due to to deployments.) I had a terrible childhood, i always wanted to be able to give a child everything they needed. We finally had everything and more to give to a child. A loving home, with 2 loving parents, security, stability. I'm a nurse and my husbands in the forces, so between us you'd think we'd have the knowledge and courage to us through this difficult time. Unfortunately, even with bags of OCD, you cannot plan for infertility.

After years of procedures, scan and SO many doctors. Trying to find out what is causing the infertility, we decided to get things moving. We gave 'clomid' a go.. 3 go's to be precise.. Let me just say that stuff is called the devils pills because is truly is evil. But i did and got through it with the help of my husband. Anything for a step towards our dreams. Unfortunately all 3 rounds of clomid failed! So we moved on to a more aggressive course of action.. IVF + ICSI. We used both for the absolute best result. After all of the injections and pessaries, they took 9 eggs! Couldn't believe it, was absolutely chuffed. 8 of the eggs matured which was wonderful. Yet when it came to fertilising our sperm and eggs together to make an embryo. It wasn't as positive. Only 1 ok embryo and 1 confused embryo came from it. They then asked both of us if we wanted one or both of the embryo's put back in. Which was a tough one, we weighed up the risks and went ahead with both embryos. Unfortunately, our little twinnies didn't make it. Everyone kept telling us before the IVF + ICSI 'ohh your both so young, it will be easy.' Well that was a crock of ****. Our dreams have been crushed, we really thought we would have our christmas miracle. Some jolly happy news to share with someone this xmas at last!

I'v become so desperate for our family, all we want is a baby to love. We looked into adoption, but we have our heart so set on a baby. A newborn. I understand it may sound ungrateful to some. Im always told 'the newborn stage isn't all of that anyway.' Its always by people that have children and already got to experience the newborn stage with their children. All the research iv done on adopting a newborn. Seems virtually impossible. Especially in the UK! Most adoptions say 4+, i understand of course all children need a loving home. Yet right now, all i dream of is holding our baby in my arms. Adopted or not.

So you now know our story, if you have a similar journey and have any thoughts on if to keep going through IVF + ICSI.. Or have any advice or knowledge on newborn adoptions? If anyone out there also couldn't have children, what did they do. What helped heal the pain and loneliness.

Thanks
Nikki
x

If it was me in your situation I would give IVF another try, I had 32 eggs and 19 survived but they only kept the blastocysts which I had 4 and 3 of those are frozen and the other is now my baby.

I rotated the injections from one side near ovaries to the other side, I didn't exercise I stayed on a strict resting time..I only walked around the house lol I didn't change my diet just added lots of things in mostly avocados I ate tones of avocados. Don't know if this helped I doubt it but it worth a try. When you do the ivf I believe you need to know in your head it might not work be prepared but at the same time dream yourself into it that's what I did.

My main advice is rotate the injections to get the eggs and when given the cyclogest pessaries don't miss them even if get positive pregnancy result keep doing the pessaries.i honestly believe they kept my pregnancy going in someway.

If it was me in your situation I would give IVF another try, I had 32 eggs and 19 survived but they only kept the blastocysts which I had 4 and 3 of those are frozen and the other is now my baby.

I rotated the injections from one side near ovaries to the other side, I didn't exercise I stayed on a strict resting time..I only walked around the house lol I didn't change my diet just added lots of things in mostly avocados I ate tones of avocados. Don't know if this helped I doubt it but it worth a try. When you do the ivf I believe you need to know in your head it might not work be prepared but at the same time dream yourself into it that's what I did.

My main advice is rotate the injections to get the eggs and when given the cyclogest pessaries don't miss them even if get positive pregnancy result keep doing the pessaries.i honestly believe they kept my pregnancy going in someway.

Pregnant 37 weeks IVF Rainbow baby

Mc 5 Weeks/5days (vanishing twin) ⭐️
Mc 5 years ago ⭐️

32 Eggs!!!!! Wow that's bloody amazing! I thought getting 9 was a good number! Thanks for the tips, its interesting. I took a lot of time off work to reduce my stress levels and running around the hospital. But i still did my normal day to day routines, cleaning, small exercise. So i will try to be on strict resting time. Although im due back at work soon. I will try and organise something. Rotating the injections! I don't know why i never thought of that!! I literally just go it in the tummy anywhere that was opposite where the last one was. I was very strict on doing the injections at the exact same time every morning, did you do that ?

Could you tell me a little more about blastocyst? They mentioned it last time but said it wouldn't of made much difference as we transferred on day 2! Instead of the day 5.. Advised by the embryologist.

32 Eggs!!!!! Wow that's bloody amazing! I thought getting 9 was a good number! Thanks for the tips, its interesting. I took a lot of time off work to reduce my stress levels and running around the hospital. But i still did my normal day to day routines, cleaning, small exercise. So i will try to be on strict resting time. Although im due back at work soon. I will try and organise something. Rotating the injections! I don't know why i never thought of that!! I literally just go it in the tummy anywhere that was opposite where the last one was. I was very strict on doing the injections at the exact same time every morning, did you do that ?

Could you tell me a little more about blastocyst? They mentioned it last time but said it wouldn't of made much difference as we transferred on day 2! Instead of the day 5.. Advised by the embryologist.

xx

I did my injections at about 6 o clock every night when my partner got back from work because at first I was abit wary about doing them then I got used to it but kept to that time, I put them in on my ovaries then changed from the one to the other. I just used to put a hair bobble on my wrist so I knew which side I had done.

I will tell you all the meds I had and doses il reply back soon.

Blastocyst is a very quality embryo so makes all the difference than regular embryo hence why they got rid of the other 15 that I had left because these wasn't needed however if you don't get a Blastocyst I believe they use the others and there is a chance with those to but with Blastocyst I think the chances get better.

For mine they were taken at egg transfer but because of so many eggs I got hyper stimulation so I had a 3 month break to let everything settle back down they froze the embryos that's when 19 survived the unfreezing of 32 and then 1 was put back and other 3 remained frozen.

32 Eggs!!!!! Wow that's bloody amazing! I thought getting 9 was a good number! Thanks for the tips, its interesting. I took a lot of time off work to reduce my stress levels and running around the hospital. But i still did my normal day to day routines, cleaning, small exercise. So i will try to be on strict resting time. Although im due back at work soon. I will try and organise something. Rotating the injections! I don't know why i never thought of that!! I literally just go it in the tummy anywhere that was opposite where the last one was. I was very strict on doing the injections at the exact same time every morning, did you do that ?

Could you tell me a little more about blastocyst? They mentioned it last time but said it wouldn't of made much difference as we transferred on day 2! Instead of the day 5.. Advised by the embryologist.

xx

Yes they said it was one of there top numbers lol some people have got 50+ but it was up there

Failed in every aspect of becoming a mother.

32 Eggs!!!!! Wow that's bloody amazing! I thought getting 9 was a good number! Thanks for the tips, its interesting. I took a lot of time off work to reduce my stress levels and running around the hospital. But i still did my normal day to day routines, cleaning, small exercise. So i will try to be on strict resting time. Although im due back at work soon. I will try and organise something. Rotating the injections! I don't know why i never thought of that!! I literally just go it in the tummy anywhere that was opposite where the last one was. I was very strict on doing the injections at the exact same time every morning, did you do that ?

Could you tell me a little more about blastocyst? They mentioned it last time but said it wouldn't of made much difference as we transferred on day 2! Instead of the day 5.. Advised by the embryologist.

xx

Just looked at everything I was taking

First menopur x1 water 2x powder
Then I started cetrotide + menopur together 1watwe x2 powder and 0.25 cetrotide
Did that for a while..
Then I was given buserlin for ovulation
Then they were taken and frozen then I was given norethisterone to bring on a bleed x3 per day.

Then prostap injection 3.75ml
Then estradiol -oestrogen prognova 3 tablets per day

Then cyclogest 2 per day morning and evening and I think I taken these until I was 3 months pregnant.

First menopur x1 water 2x powder
Then I started cetrotide + menopur together 1watwe x2 powder and 0.25 cetrotide
Did that for a while..
Then I was given buserlin for ovulation
Then they were taken and frozen then I was given norethisterone to bring on a bleed x3 per day.

Then prostap injection 3.75ml
Then estradiol -oestrogen prognova 3 tablets per day

Then cyclogest 2 per day morning and evening and I think I taken these until I was 3 months pregnant.

Hope this helps

Pregnant 37 weeks IVF Rainbow baby

Mc 5 Weeks/5days (vanishing twin) ⭐️
Mc 5 years ago ⭐️

Mish,

Thanks so much for all your information. Hopefully next time they can amend some of my medication. Plus look into blasto. Will give switching sides for injections a go too.

Our story is of fertility issues but not the amount of trauma and failed attempts you have both gone through.

We know what our fertility problems are and we have been trying since 2008 with no success and it is very hard indeed and yes people say you are young, well we was when we started our journey, we are both in our mid 30ís with no success. We are wanting another round of ICSI, however we have used our funded NHS goís and our savings...

All I am going to say is you have not failed as there is still hope, trust me I know as my BF was in a worst situation as you and after 14 years of trying with every treatment going, she now has a little girl who is 1 years old, a miracle indeed!

After reading your story o thought I would share mine as I have infertility also experienced ivf and finally adoption too so got the t-shirt lol.

Myself and my husband took 5 6 years with nothing decided there was a problem and were referred for ivf one month before it was due to start fell pregnant naturally which was a shock!! Saw heartbeat at 12 week scan all fine has to go back a week.later for a check and baby had died again a huge shock especially after seeing on screen a heartbeat. Also after so long to get here to then loose baby was a headwreck fast forward couple of weeks was told had a part molar pregnancy so tests etc for 3 months. We are now at a crossroads do we do another ivf or consider adoption which was my husband's preference after alot of thought we pursued adoption and have a beautiful 3 year old boy and tbh was definitely right decision. Personally I wanted to become a mummy and be called mummy and u don't have to have a baby to achieve this we still get all the firsts apart from words and steps but the words u want are mummy and daddy and you hear that in our child.
I can't talk for whole adoption area but in essex there were/ are babies but they are more sought after and there are many more prospective parents to children available. If you are prepared to wait to be matched with a baby then that is a possibility obviously depends on your area.
I have read alot of posts and am always amazed how many ladies have round after round of ivf and how quickly we fall after miscarriage as me personally I didn't want to try another round where the outcome was unknown and was terrified of falling pregnant again and suffer ing another loss so that was my reason for adoption route but everyone is different but my story gives you a different angle.
Hope haven't rambled too much lol.

Wow, you have had a very courageous story. I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough time though. I have to say, i agree with you. I'm about to start another round of IVF+ICSI and if i'm honest. I don't believe it ill work, i think im just doing it to prove to my husband and family that iv tried again. Tick the box so i'm not judged for giving up. I want a family so much and would do anything for it. But my mind and body is going into meltdown every time. As well as losing the babies every time, much like you it scares me to go again. To heartbreak myself and disappoint everyone around me. Your so right when you say, you just want them to say mummy and daddy. That's all i long to hear. Thank you for sharing your story with me, it has given me a new prospective on adoption. As well as a honest opinion on multiple cycles. I find women seem to say you have to do more rounds if that's what you want. Not everyone understands the emotional and physical impact. Thank you.

Hi Donna,

Thank you for your story and your advice. Im sorry you've also had such a disappointing journey. It must be so difficult to put a hold on it. Especially when its just funding holding you up. I'm sorry the NHS won't support you again. I hope you can follow your dreams of being a mother, in any path you choose next.