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Trading Housework for DominanceMon, 09 Sep 2019 01:46:04 +0000en-US
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1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.2.3https://www.mundanetoms.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/cropped-Redshoesflip-1-32x32.jpgFrom Mundane To Mistresshttps://www.mundanetoms.com
3232Less labels more talkinghttps://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/08/26/less-labels-more-talking.html/
https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/08/26/less-labels-more-talking.html/#respondMon, 26 Aug 2019 01:44:01 +0000https://www.mundanetoms.com/?p=1611As humans we have an innate obsession with placing labels on everything, including ourselves. Labels help give people a false sense of order and a way to separate things. However, we aren’t things; we’re people first and heavily using labels to categorize people isn’t fair. It takes away the depth and complexity each of us ... [Read more...]

]]>As humans we have an innate obsession with placing labels on everything, including ourselves. Labels help give people a false sense of order and a way to separate things.

However, we aren’t things; we’re people first and heavily using labels to categorize people isn’t fair. It takes away the depth and complexity each of us hold within. It steers away from the notion that the uniqueness of our personhood is much more than a label.

Labels are for jars

When we rely on someone’s sexuality, race, socioeconomic status, locale, or other label, we simply see that person as less than in some way. This can be a subconscious thought thread but still a very real occurrence. Even still, we each have the right to be labeled and called whatever we want. But as a whole collective we should be cautious. Labels are a slippery slope to distorting the perception we have of someone. Again, we come back to the possible (and usual) formation of subconscious judgements.

For ions labels are what have kept people from getting closer. In some cases, labels have sparked wars between differing lands and governments, to the detriment of all involved. Labels separate us as individuals thus pushing us away from those who have an aversion, judgement, or confusion about said label. Just take a look at our extremely polarized society here in the USA when it comes to politics alone!

I want to be clear: I understand the function of labels and their necessity in our current societal structure. It makes it easier to converse at times to cut through overly complicated conversation navigation but there can also be a downside.

We can’t use labels to describe everything about our core values but that doesn’t stop people from still trying haphazardly to do so. With that said, let me share some of my most uncomfortable, self perpetuated, labels. I am hoping that by sharing the labels (and why I don’t particularly care for them) it will help better show that we should be more conscious about the things we are so quick to call others:

FEMDOM

Now I know this will sound weird. This is the main vein of this website. I am a Femdom. That’s my kinky label in the BDSM world. But that is not all I am. I often have to express in my classes ad nauseam that a “Femdom” can do whatever they want. (Within the right context and consensually of course).

As a Femdom there’s a lot of expectations that are put on me by just identifying with the label. I fell prey to trying to live up to those one-dimensional standards when I first entered the scene, as many of you may have also.

I can be kind or cruel or both. The choice is mine.

I don’t always want to make decisions. Power exchange doesn’t mean I am devoid of needing self care in the form of mental rest.

I crave emotional awareness and not just a mindless drone as a submissive. If you come to me saying ‘I’ll be anything you need‘ I’ll probably tell you I need you to leave my presence.

I enjoy closeness even if I can’t always verbalize it. It’s hard for me as the one in control to ask for something as simple as a hug or a shoulder to cry on even when it would help. (Yes…dominants cry)

I don’t seek out doormats, they foolishly are already on the ground for other (Femdoms) to walk on. I will take the long way around. Thanks.

I don’t need leather, latex, whips, or chains to be a Femdom. A prop is for those who can’t hold themselves up when needed. For me it is a state of mind and I control how intense it is, not you and your “submission”.

SLUT

By normal societal standards, I, as many other women (especially us kinksters), would be called a ‘Slut’.

I only like being called such by those I have given that permission to. And even though I call myself a slut sometimes, it doesn’t mean you can.

What irks me most? This is mostly a female identified issue. We all know the blatant double-standard where men are called ‘studs’ and are high-fived and cheered by their promiscuity. I know it’s beating a dead horse but I am happy to see us slowly, crawling away from that way of thinking.

Don’t shame anyone who wants to explore their sexuality. While I am not fussed over sex one way or another, my mere interest and participation would be enough to earn the slut-label for many vanillas. Reserve your judgements for when asked for them (they might not ever, so don’t take it personally). I embrace the fetish on Fetlife ‘Slut as a term of endearment’ because it flips this notion of shame on its head.

BBW

A long time ago, I used to only refer to myself as ‘BBW’. It was a widely understanding of what I was going for when I was still dating. It stands for ‘Big, Beautiful Woman’. I thought “How charming,” and went along with it because others had labeled me that long before I knew what it was. The truth was I didn’t always feel ‘big’ or ‘beautiful’. It made me feel like I was always expected to be happy with my body (I even had a cute little acronym to go with it!) when we all know regardless of size that’s not the case.

No one should be made to feel unaccepted due to their size. I now call myself ‘Plus Size’ and I still fancy that entirely. This implies there’s a “normal” or “less” size and that I do not fit that. Which I know I don’t but I don’t need a label to tell me that, others do.

POC

I know I am going to get a lot of push back on this but I have to be honest. I’ve adopted this label because it has been somewhat forced upon me by a variety of things. Social climate. Political animosity. Us vs. Them mentality. Ally identifier. And mostly, by other Persons of Color.

Make no mistake. I am proud of my heritage. I am proud of who I am. My reluctance with the above label has been mostly due to the subvert act it employs. It can disempower me as a POC individual. When I am not in alignment or agreement with other POC then it is assumed, I am against them. I must be. Right? Because all POC [insert poorly construed stereotype] and if they don’t then they aren’t POC enough. Yes, I’ve actually been told I am not “black enough” more times than I can count in my life. All based on my tastes in music, men, clothing, hobbies, speech patterns, friends and more. Sorry, there is no handbook titled ‘How To Be A POC’, and even if it was on Amazon Prime…just no. I just am POC because it’s who I am, but it doesn’t define my entire being. For some it does and that is their right to identify in that way.

I won’t diminish my voice that speaks to my own personal struggles by co-signing others’. Sometimes, it is perfectly okay to want to stand out, even among those who are very much like you.

POLY

I have so many unpublished pieces on my thoughts and feelings on being poly_______ (whatever). I’ve carried this label for nearly 15 years and it hasn’t gotten any easier as time goes on. If anything it’s become even more muddled! Just as ‘Femdom’ has its own preconceived notions, so does “poly”. These notions sometimes feel even more ingrained in our community.

Everyone does poly differently, that’s what makes it so hard to be poly on a whole with others who do it differently. It takes an extensive amount of communication to make sure all involved are on the same page. Even for a veteran like myself, I’ve had to remind myself that I make mistakes and it’s okay. It’s better when I try to treat each new encounter as individual as the person I am with. Having a set in stone idea of what all poly “must” be is a roadblock many of us poly folks get stuck behind.

Pull over your poly car and assess the problem.

Is it communication? Boundaries? Emotional baggage? Mental hurdles?New territory? Probably a little of all of the above. My poly lifestyle and ideas about poly have evolved just as I have over the years. As it stands today, I am still learning about what poly means to me outside of the “many loves” aspects. If only it were that simple…

WIFE

This is a recently obtained label I feel conflicted on. See the above label. Being poly to me never included me being someone’s “wife”. How can I be fair in my poly when I form a clear and distinct signal to the vanilla (outside) world that I am ‘just like them’? When I am in fact, not and probably never will be. Yet I am passing as such by entering in this legal agreement. The worst is when I don’t “act” like what a normal “wife” is supposed to act like and someone points that out to me. Thanks for that (not!).

I always say I make a terrible wife but a better Femdom Wife. The level of control I want to assume combined with my non-traditional scope of the world, put in practice in my life…well, it’s a bit confusing at times. How would I feel if my partner was married? I often stop to ask myself, ‘Am I asking this as a wife or a Femdom?‘ It’s a question that swirls in my ever-churning brain chatter that I thought I’d never have and stirs emotions I was honestly, unprepared for.

As you can see, I am but one person. Yet have shared only six of my own personal labels (there are so many more ESTJ, Aries, Geek, Love avoidant, Bitch, Weird, etc) but to what end? Do any of these labels make me any less or any more of the traits that may, but don’t always, accompany them? Nope.

And you are but one person. A very special and unique person who deserves to be explored beyond the simple nutritional value label others (or even you) have stamped yourself with. No label can replace getting to know you. What are some labels you have that you don’t always feel comfortable with? What do they mean to you or others? There’s no need to fear living an authentic life with minimized labels. It can actually lead to deeper self discovery and that’s worth a lot more than wrapping yourself up in a box of words.

What are we so afraid of revealing without the sheer concealment of labels?

]]>https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/08/26/less-labels-more-talking.html/feed/0Mommy’s good boyhttps://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/07/22/mommys-good-boy.html/
https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/07/22/mommys-good-boy.html/#respondMon, 22 Jul 2019 03:40:48 +0000https://www.mundanetoms.com/?p=1597When I entered the room, it was just as I had requested: panties and stockings laid out on the bed. I turned to look at him standing in the doorway, still dressed from the day. He was trying not to blush, his deep brown eyes pleading in my direction. I curled my finger up and ... [Read more...]

]]>When I entered the room, it was just as I had requested: panties and stockings laid out on the bed. I turned to look at him standing in the doorway, still dressed from the day. He was trying not to blush, his deep brown eyes pleading in my direction. I curled my finger up and motioned.

“Come here,” I purred.

His bare feet shuffled on the wooden floors as he crept closer. Once within arm’s reach I began to fondle his soft skin.

“I shaved just like you asked,” he whispered.

I used my hands for confirmation locking my unwavering gaze on him as I did so.

Legs.

Thighs.

Privates.

Chest.

Yes, they were in fact totally smooth and ready for my fingers.

“Good boy, you know what it does to me when you’re all smooth like this.”

“Yes, Mommy,” he replied.

I stood there for a moment in the candle lit room admiring every inch of him. It was a struggle for me to focus I’ll admit but I managed to find the words I wanted most.

“Put them on.” I was pointing at the items. He took his clothes off and did as he was told. Then I motioned for him to lie down.

Mommy was happy with what she saw. Very carefully I stripped down to my bra, tossing my own panties on the floor. I climbed on top of him letting my full weight press him to the bed.

Ohhhmm

He let out a pleasurable sigh with the breath I pushed out. Immediately I placed my hand on his face and turned him to face me. Our noses were nearly touching.

“You’re making Mommy excited.”

He breathed heavier nodding.

“You’ve made Mommy throb.”

He nodded slowly.

“Are you throbbing too? Has Mommy made her little boy big in his panties?” I inquired, clearly knowing the answer.

He shut his eyes tightly, embarrassed by his own excitement. I giggled at his reaction and kissed his lips softly.

“Let Mommy check,” I said sliding down. “And don’t move, be a good boy and sit still got it?”

He nodded up and down almost peeking over his own nose. I shimmied down his body until his thick, dripping bigness was the only thing I could see. I moaned to myself. The sight of this never failed to titillate me.

I moved closer until it was just perched on my lower lip.

“Wow you did get big for Mommy like a good boy didn’t you?”

He murmured in agreement, visibly starting to squirm.

I continued to talk softly as I stroked the outside of his panties.

“You know how happy it makes Mommy to know she’s aroused you. And you know that Mommy likes her good boy to please her in any way. Today that way is going to be letting Mommy take you like a big boy in her mouth. Can you do that for Mommy?”

I stopped to see if he was still focused on me and his eyes were fixated on my mouth.

“Yes Mommy, I always want to please…,” he started but stopped mid sentence.

My mouth engulfed him in its warmness and sounds of pleasure escaped him almost involuntarily. It only took moments before I was alternating between sucking and stroking him and fast. All the while verbally arousing him.

“Mommy… I… I’m…,” he attempted.

I shushed him. Shhhh.

“Little boys like you listen to Mommies like me. No talking, I only want your good boy cream.”

He gripped the bed and bucked his body in my direction. This made it easier to stroke him even faster. I climbed on top of him again and turned my attention to his thighs, licking them in long trails. I knew he enjoyed the feel of my mouth nearly everywhere on him and heard his enjoyment behind me.

“These are such pretty stockings but Mommy can’t get to your legs in them,” I said between kissing the fabric. I kissed up from his ankles to right between his legs and drug my tongue down again. His feet curled.

“Mommy will fix that.”

I found a tiny run in the stocking and wiggled my finger in it, doing the same with my ass in his line of vision.

“Mommy needs these off so I can get to those pretty legs,” I informed him.

Slowly I worked the hole until it was larger and larger and used my sharp stiletto nails to shred them open. Once his legs were exposed I began licking and sucking on the flesh beneath causing him to gasp at the sensation. He was getting worked up already so I moved a bit to see his face. The torn stockings hung loose around his ankles. I pinned him down with my one hand and focused on getting him to the place he belonged; beneath me. My breasts bounced with my increased speed.

“Mommy?” He whimpered.

Mmm hmm.

He called me again but this time I didn’t answer or make a sound. I let his whimpers eventually turn into whining before finally I looked at him and not his mesmerizing member again.

“Yes baby?”

His mouth tried to make words but he came up empty and flustered.

“You ready to give Mommy what she wants?”

I didn’t wait for an answer as I caressed his face in one hand and his cock in the other. His breathing became erratic and his moans deepened.

This was my favorite part.

My hand felt the familiar twitching and without warning it was covered in a warm, overflowing, whiteness.

I patted his head gently as he tried to gather his breathing.

“There you go sweetie. You were such a good boy.”

He smiled and sank into the sheets. He looked as if he were ready for a nap and I knew Mommy had used him just the way we both wanted…like every good boy should be used.

]]>https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/07/22/mommys-good-boy.html/feed/0It’s my privacy and I want it now!https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/06/15/its-my-privacy-and-i-want-it-now.html/
https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/06/15/its-my-privacy-and-i-want-it-now.html/#respondSat, 15 Jun 2019 17:00:34 +0000https://www.mundanetoms.com/?p=1590A Contribution Writing For Kink Weekly I grab him by his short locks one handful at a time chiding him as I grind up against him. It’s just me, him, and a hard wooden, freshly polished St. Andrew’s cross. I know there’s a mixture of pleasure and pain as I force him against the rigid ... [Read more...]

I grab him by his short locks one handful at a time chiding him as I grind up against him. It’s just me, him, and a hard wooden, freshly polished St. Andrew’s cross. I know there’s a mixture of pleasure and pain as I force him against the rigid surface, my hands grabbing any part of his scalp available to my long nails.

I get closer, as if that were possible, and whisper in his ear “Now you will remember who’s in charge…,” followed by a small laugh.

Before I tighten my open palm against his bare throat I hear from over my shoulder, “That’s what I would say!”

I briefly hesitate before choking him, trying to shake a stranger’s acknowledgement of a private moment in my scene.

This weekend I will be presenting at a large scale kink event on the other side of the country with my submissive. It’s easy to remember you are being watched when you consciously choose to stand up in front a group of people and explain something in detail. That comes with the territory as a presenter.

But where’s the line?

Beyond being a kinky presenter and speaker the general vibe of most BDSM clubs and dungeons are watch or be watched. I can certainly see the simplistic appeal to voyeurs and exhibitionists. More so over the past decade I’ve watched club after club rearrange their entire layout all for a better “viewing experience” for those in attendance who come to watch. Dungeons are starting to feel more like confused night clubs with their makeshift lounge areas and couch lined walls, house DJs, selected spotlighting and placement of certain equipment literally on a raised stage or platform.

We know a night out at the club for us personally will include getting dressed up, assessing our energy levels to see what type of play will be taking place, clarity on if there’s any underlying issues that we will be working out in the club, and usually who is attending. We decide if it’s going to be more of a social night versus a “play night”. From the moment we step into a club we know there are eyes on us at all times because we have been told exactly that in the past.

We don’t mind being watched or even watching but we try not to make our presence a part of the scene. We try to give others the space and privacy we expect, but aren’t often given. When I whisper to my bound victim, I don’t need that cheered. Then I find myself in a moral dilemma: Why go to the club if you aren’t prepared to have others watch you?

Again I come back to the respectful level of privacy that can be given to those playing at a club or dungeon. Our scenes often include heavy impact and some form of edge play. We know we’re going to cause a little commotion but we try to keep it contained to our chosen space. Our

shared erotic hypnosis experience and repeated practice of re-focusing helps us, especially my submissive, get into the right headspace prior and during play regardless of who is watching with their mouth not eyes. Even when I’m playing with my other partner who isn’t into edge play we get a similar reaction…

When I first entered the scene it was stressed heavily to allow kinksters their space when playing and now feels like that’s gone by the wayside. Just like most forms of interpersonal interaction today, people want access to it all. I am trying more actively to keep my kink, relationships and dynamics sacred, meaning the intimate details are for us only.

If I’m at the club I must want to be asked what my partner’s safeword is by a spectator, or what he did to deserve [fill in the blank], and of course the ever unwanted critique of our skills. Right???

Wrong.

If you are someone who enjoys watching others play, the clubs are where you will have that opportunity, don’t abuse it. Please be mindful of those you are watching. Remember:

They are not goldfish, don’t turn watching into creepy hoovering

Don’t talk while watching a scene if you are nearby, this can affect the participants headspace

Be aware of your proximity to said scene — no toys should be able to accidentally touch you

Don’t clap after a scene finishes unless prompted. Players aren’t performing for you, rather around you.

Private details of the who, what, why of scenes are for those involved in the actual scene

You may swing a flogger differently but the kinksters playing don’t need to know that

I’ve spoken to several kinky colleagues who agree that BDSM has become a weird chassis of performance art in a way. Even if it has, there are still those of us who come to the club simply to use equipment we don’t have and/or in order to deepen a dynamic connection with our partner. I’m a public persona who still wants privacy and we’re all entitled to that.

]]>https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/06/15/its-my-privacy-and-i-want-it-now.html/feed/0Guest of Talkin’ Taboo: Truths of A Femdomhttps://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/06/15/guest-of-talkin-taboo-truths-of-a-femdom.html/
https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/06/15/guest-of-talkin-taboo-truths-of-a-femdom.html/#respondSat, 15 Jun 2019 13:05:02 +0000https://www.mundanetoms.com/?p=2025A while ago, I was a guest of Sadie’s on her podcast Talkin’ Taboo. We had a lovely chat (as well as a her bio-pup sneaking in!) about a lot of the truths I live with as the type of Femdom I am. We chatted about… My local kink community Viewpoints as a POC and ... [Read more...]

A while ago, I was a guest of Sadie’s on her podcast Talkin’ Taboo. We had a lovely chat (as well as a her bio-pup sneaking in!) about a lot of the truths I live with as the type of Femdom I am. We chatted about…

]]>https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/06/15/guest-of-talkin-taboo-truths-of-a-femdom.html/feed/0The light side of dark age playhttps://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/04/19/the-light-side-of-dark-age-play.html/
https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/04/19/the-light-side-of-dark-age-play.html/#respondFri, 19 Apr 2019 16:40:50 +0000https://www.mundanetoms.com/?p=1536A Contribution Writing for Kink Weekly Did reading that title send a little shiver down your spine? It use to do the same for me too. When I first entered the scene many years ago (but who’s counting!), Age play wasn’t really ‘in’. It wasn’t a kink people were talking about. There were no spaces ... [Read more...]

Did reading that title send a little shiver down your spine? It use to do the same for me too. When I first entered the scene many years ago (but who’s counting!), Age play wasn’t really ‘in’. It wasn’t a kink people were talking about. There were no spaces for Littles, Bigs, Middles, or those who were happy to interact with them.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say 10 years ago Age play was quite taboo, but perhaps it was just the communities I was circling around. Any time anyone mentioned being a ‘Mommy’ or a ‘baby’ I couldn’t help but feel a little on edge.

What kind of fucked up play is that? I would often think to myself, too fogged by my own judgement to inquire more. Anyone within earshot must have felt the same because an admission of those statements were often left hanging in an awkward air of silence until a quick subject change was bulldozed in. Little spaces at events didn’t exist. Period. It was something a lot of kinksters did in the privacy of their homes, I now think out of fear, embarrassment or worse…shame. This is something I now feel strongly should be faced head on within BDSM on a constant basis. This community is the one place people should feel okay to express themselves without judgement.

So like any oddly curious kinkster with my uncomfortable-ness I started digging into this ‘Age play’ thing. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to view it. I wanted to witness it for myself and most of all I wanted to know if there were a place for me in it…even though I knew absolutely, there was not. Diapers, pacifiers, bottles, baby talk? Umm no thanks. There just couldn’t be a place for me in that realm. It was “too weird” even for me.

Apparently I am one really weird person…and I love it.

Today I am proudly a loving Mommy and a strict Daddy to certain people in my life and my Age play can involve any (or none) of the things I want, including those above.

Yes I am cruel, sadistic, ruthless at times, demanding, overbearing, controlling, and a lot of other things a ‘Mommy’ or ‘Daddy’ traditionally wouldn’t be, this is my naturally Femdom side. But Age play isn’t about traditional and within kink—I can express myself as any kind of Mommy and/or Daddy; even though in real life I would never want to be in such a role. I’ve also been a bullying older sister, handsy baby sitter, naughty nurse, unsuspecting step sister and a strict teacher when the situation has called for it.

You want a grilled cheese with no crust?

Back rubs until you fall asleep in my arms?

Sport a onesies of favorite your animal for cuddles?

Need someone to color or build Legos with?

Feeling like nuzzling in a bosom would ease that mind chatter?

Will I be sadistic and scribble on your page? Only if you want that.

Will I sneak lettuce into your sandwich and make you be a ‘good boy/girl’ for a late snack? Yep I sure will.

If you’ve been bad will I enforce corner time? You better believe it.

And if you have a favorite stuffie, well, expect me to hide it just for fun but only sometimes, promise.

What I have come to learn about Age play was simple. The more I was exposed to it the more I enjoyed watching others enjoy it. When it was hidden away and shunned, it was unknown and the unknown can be scary. It was shrouded in such secrecy I assumed the community on a whole was equally uneasy about its presence. I am happy to see the kink being embraced in all forms. Age play doesn’t have to mean you’re role playing a younger age, you can age play any age. I’ve seen a range of ages from “adult babies” all the way to bratty “barely legal teens”. I say this time and and time again to the ignorant folks but I’ll say it one more time:

Age play is not pedophilia (an often gross misconception) which is actual sexual feelings directed towards children and is totally illegal and I am in NO way condoning that.

Age play involves only consenting adults, just like all BDSM play and hence the word ‘play’ should be the main focus.

I am not a particularly maternal person but something about watching an adult pleasantly and willingly regress is hot. Like with most BDSM activities, your responsibilities, worries, stress, and overall negative day-to-day emotions melt away. With this play they are replaced by the feelings of being young, naive, playful, and unguarded. All because they feel safe with the person they are deciding to share this with and hand them the baton of responsibility and protection. I’ve found I can go from torturous bitch to Mama Bear in a matter of moments if I feel my boy or girl is in need of protection or comfort from anything or anyone.

The dark part of Age Play has been a natural and gradual move for me and is a space I hold dearly for those I trust. Intertwining submission, domination, bondage and discipline into guilty foreplay, “forced” intercourse, exceptionally vulgar adult language, incest roleplay, explicit sexuality, severe spankings , mind games, power trips, and humiliation settled into all the tiny cracks I had still waiting to be er…filled (hehe)…in my kinky crevices. Pushing people within their “forbidden” fetishes, ravaging their senses, unraveling their defenses and watching them squirm with a mixture of delight and regret for feeling so deliciously dangerous…it excites me on every level of my consciousness. If I am pinning you down internally without lifting a finger and making beg for permission to fantasize about what you’ve always been told you shouldn’t…

]]>https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/04/19/the-light-side-of-dark-age-play.html/feed/0Guest of Erotic Awakening: Polyandry 101https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/03/21/guest-podcast-with-beyond-the-love-polyandry.html/
https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/03/21/guest-podcast-with-beyond-the-love-polyandry.html/#respondThu, 21 Mar 2019 10:35:29 +0000https://www.mundanetoms.com/?p=1524Last month I took a few minutes to speak with Dan an Dawn of Erotic Awakening and Beyond The Love. They’re the original big thinkers behind the annual 3-day polyamory convention in Columbus, Ohio. Check it out if you are curious or identify as polyamorous for “Education, workshops, social activities, meeting other polyamory people and more”. In 2017 ... [Read more...]

Last month I took a few minutes to speak with Dan an Dawn of Erotic Awakening and Beyond The Love. They’re the original big thinkers behind the annual 3-day polyamory convention in Columbus, Ohio. Check it out if you are curious or identify as polyamorous for “Education, workshops, social activities, meeting other polyamory people and more”. In 2017 I taught a few classes and enjoyed the unique experience. In this short segment we discussed…

You may have heard the phrase “Toxic masculinity” a lot recently and rightfully so. It’s a reference to culturally-constructed ideals that highlight the violent, emotionally and sexually aggressive behavior perpetrated by male identified people. In my opinion this is a gendered behavior encompassing masculinity on a whole. It’s a cult mentality and it needs to stop.

Breaching into the realm of BDSM I’ve taken note on what I would describe as a mirror to that behavior among female identified kinksters, especially dominants. Patriarchy is also harmful. Just as a pendulum swings from one extreme to other, so can decorum. This is referred to as “Benevolent sexism” and it only hurts other same gendered people when exhibited by their gender peers, in this case, other females. Psychologists have even suggested that benevolent sexism is more harmful than overtly hostile sexism because it is insidious, acting like “a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

What do I mean?

Let’s take a look at the following…

Have you found as a female submissive, female dominants cannot truly understand you, and vice versa? I have found true friendship is hard to manage between female submissives and female dominants or tops.

Do you believe most women should be passive, submissive or even if they are dominant follow the lead of male dominants in order to learn more? The more willful, strong attitude and ideas I express, the more I find my fellow female identified kinksters shy away. I’ve even heard someone flat out say, “I don’t trust female dominants because they haven’t been doing this as long.”

When presented with the notion that a female dominant could also be a victim of abuse or having their consent violated do you agree that is not a possibility? It is often assumed as a top or dominant, your consent cannot be violated – ever!

Have you ever felt like other women were in competition versus cooperation with you? I see this often at FemDom themed events.

Do you like gossiping about other females and their choice of dressing, current partner choice, sexual freedoms, or more? I have been slut shamed repeatedly, by females within and outside of the kink community.

Are you someone who has thought at one time, “Well she was asking for it,” when hearing about someone’s negative experience to something? I am guilty of some of these as well but continually work hard to break out of my gender heavy conditioning because this mindset is problematic .

I can only speak for myself, but as a child, growing up as a female and even now, media, print, society and real life heavy-handedly attempted to show me what the expectation was for me as a woman in the world, BDSM or otherwise. Females were meant to be meek, followers, leaving certain activities to “men”, dress a certain way, be overly emotional, form attachments easily, laser focus on creating a home and picture perfect family, and of course default to subservience when possible. Within the community, this is even more damaging as it’s supposed to be a safe space where everyone can express any part of themselves as they please. This translates into men who wear dresses proudly, women who enjoy displaying their very phallic strap-ons, females who prefer combat boots to heels, or even those who request to be called ‘Master’. In my opinion all of these are well within the scope of how anyone regardless of gender can act.

Personally I revel in straddling the blurry lines of gender expectations/expressions and can be found growling deeply while in play, sporting boots and a skirt, demanding to be called Mistress (or Daddy) as my 10-inch cock is sucked, all the while still being able to host a High Protocol Afternoon tea party. I, like many others, am just me, and don’t enjoy being presumed to represent myself in any one way. I am comfortable being viewed as a masculine female who loves something from both of those particular personality trait columns.

What is the feminine equivalent of emasculation? De-feminization? Finding a term that explains that has been hard because I honestly believe it’s a conversation that isn’t happening enough. When other females paint their fellow females with a broad brush all you get is a messy picture.

Dominant, submissive, in between, neither? It’s all a part of the lovely complexity that is femininity if a female identified person is doing it and should be honored as such.

]]>https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/02/25/undermining-others-the-truth-about-benevolent-sexism.html/feed/0A sadist & a sensualist walk into a bar…https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/02/02/a-sadist-a-sensualist-walk-into-a-bar.html/
https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/02/02/a-sadist-a-sensualist-walk-into-a-bar.html/#respondSat, 02 Feb 2019 23:11:16 +0000https://www.mundanetoms.com/?p=1490I don’t like jokes like this but I do love to laugh. Despite my best efforts, I am a giggler. It doesn’t matter how intense a scene or my hands-on play gets, I can cackle at whatever reaction I am getting from my partner if it delights me. The louder, more vocal and expressive they ... [Read more...]

]]>I don’t like jokes like this but I do love to laugh. Despite my best efforts, I am a giggler. It doesn’t matter how intense a scene or my hands-on play gets, I can cackle at whatever reaction I am getting from my partner if it delights me. The louder, more vocal and expressive they are the more top-spacey and into it I get.

Two years ago I wasn’t aware of just how much I enjoy reactions from those I engage with. I’m a “Femdom” I don’t giggle. I don’t care about my partner’s reactions, it’s all about “Me”. Right?

Yes and no.

It is ‘all about me’ but I’ve been taking that on a much more surface level than I probably should’ve been in recent years. I have been narrowly focused on my pleasure without inspecting its source more closely. Let me explain…

You’re masturbating with a toy, it feels good. The source of the pleasure on the surface is the toy.

You’re kissing someone and their lips feel soft and supple against yours. The source of the pleasure on the surface is the other person’s kiss.

You are being intimate with someone and it feels good. The source of the pleasure on the surface it’s the uniqueness of the person you are with.

What happens when the pleasure lasts for an extended sustained period during an occurrence that you have time to focus on it more? You’re able to go beyond the initial surface source.

Take my examples above: Is it really the toy? No.

It’s the toy’s texture, vibration, size, and other features, or even the way it’s capable of being manipulated in a way to form pleasure. The kiss? Everyone has lips.

It’s these lips that feel like a match, maybe they’re plump, or just softer than you’re use to, maybe they taste of lipstick and it draws your breath away. And the person who is bringing you to ecstacy? It’s not just them.

It’s all they bring with them, their touch, attention to certain areas, the smell of their natural scent, a new breathing pattern. All of this makes it much more than you might initially think is turning you on.

I’ve spent a lot of years feeling fleeting yet powerful and slightly habit-forming brief encounters of pleasure from various partners. The short-sighted surface pleasure, was always hit or miss. I didn’t realize it could be much more than just physical. I foolishly thought it was just the person, just the act, just the toy. I didn’t receive the type of sensory overloading, elongated, essence touching, pleasure that has given me time to post-coitous analyze, why it now feels so much deeper than the surface.

I can attribute this sexual and inner exploration to my partner The Gardner. It has been with his naturally exploratory nature, and sensual manner that I have had the opportunity to actually enjoy pleasure in a different way. Now that I can more accurately identify the ‘Whys‘ and ‘Hows‘ of my own pleasure as viewed through his senses, I can better appreciate my own. And in return I have come to realize whether giving or receiving, I most get off on reactions. It’s an extension of my dominance in some situations, as I am “forcing” you to react how I desire.

For years now, my goals have included inflicting pain, anguish, fear, and sensory deprivation. I’ve been chasing reactions to the extreme spectrum of sexual arousal through sadism. On one end are all the fellow sadists whipping, thumping, choking, kicking, waterboarding, tear-inducing, grabbing and using physically exhausting but powerful tactics to get a reaction for arousal.

The Gardner I have come to learn, is on the other side of the kink-rainbow. We are both hyper thinkers who have a plan and plans to plan more, so if we’re sharing a moment with you, it is very intentional and whole. We will insulate you at times with our intentions. He is a sensualist. He craves giving and receiving reactions just as much as I do, though he uses different means to achieve it.

His way involves more light touching, precision pinpointing pressure, verbal cues, and heavy eye contact. Just as there is usually no running from what I am doing to you (literally), there is no escaping the cascading wave of mental and physical sensualism he brings to the experience. Together it has been a playful and endless tug of sensory war that I am grateful to explore even more with him and within myself.

But what does happen when a sadist and a sensualist walk into a bar?

They probably spend half the night eye fucking each other before approaching with a clever but very intentional compliment, from there they would leave holding hands, creating a growing lustful, conscious bubble that would be bursting at the seams with extensive mental foreplay before finally keeping every hinted promise made throughout the night.

]]>https://www.mundanetoms.com/2019/02/02/a-sadist-a-sensualist-walk-into-a-bar.html/feed/0FMTM – ASMR: It’s all in your head (Sadistic Spa)https://www.mundanetoms.com/2018/11/10/asmr-its-all-in-your-head.html/
https://www.mundanetoms.com/2018/11/10/asmr-its-all-in-your-head.html/#respondSat, 10 Nov 2018 23:37:39 +0000https://www.mundanetoms.com/?p=1457Over the years there have been kinks that I wholeheartedly threw myself into and absolutely hated (bootblacking). There’s ones I was sure I would loathe but ended up loving (spitting) and there are some that just wormed their way through my kinky cracks, like ASMR that I haven’t been able to stop being fascinated with. ... [Read more...]

]]>Over the years there have been kinks that I wholeheartedly threw myself into and absolutely hated (bootblacking). There’s ones I was sure I would loathe but ended up loving (spitting) and there are some that just wormed their way through my kinky cracks, like ASMR that I haven’t been able to stop being fascinated with.

Autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) is a physical sensation characterised by a pleasurable, static-like tingling that typically begins in the head and scalp and moves down the neck and spine. People participating in it can receive a number of benefits from listening ranging from relaxation, auditory stimulation, arousal, de-stressing, concentration, or just fantasy fulfillment depending on the topic. It’s akin to getting goosebumps and just happens to be a very popular pastime for many people, vanilla and kink alike. It is commonly triggered by a variety of things such as:

Watching other people performing simple tactile tasks such as tinkering or knitting

Haircuts, people playing with your hair

This is such a small list of all the things that can give you colloquially “head tingles”. I recognize that I like both receiving and giving this type of play, but lean more towards the giving because it allows my creative side to be flexed verbally and with objects. I’ve also coupled it with erotic hypnosis to elevate its effect and have been pleased with the results. I always say this is actually one fetish that cannot be described, you just have to experience it. Are you feeling adventurous?

If you, please enjoy a piece of ASMR I recorded for you all, it’s called: Sadistic Spa (but don’t worry, it’s not really that sadistic!), use headphones if possible for optimal volume with an enhanced and more personalized experience.