Local

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

PENSACOLA, FL—With everything becoming more and more clear the deeper she dug, local Oceanside Heights Condominium board member Carl Langford began to suspect Tuesday that a bylaw cover-up might go all the way to Deb.

DES MOINES, IA—Saying he planned to hold off for another 20 or 30 years and then assess where things stand, local man Trevor Russell was reportedly waiting to see how a few more decades of racial violence played out before taking any action, sources confirmed Monday.

SAN JOSE, CA—Searching for affordable items to furnish their modest single-room dwellings, the ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ aisle at a local Target was reportedly being browsed Monday exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments.

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ talk.

TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes.

WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands.

SUNNYVALE, CA—Expressing their concern at the man’s unsettling behavior, uneasy Internet users reported Saturday that some “total creep” has just been hanging around the Entertainment Weekly website all day long.

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—All semblance of harmony lost in the maelstrom of books, electronics, and random keepsakes that lay before him, local man Ron Beck reportedly became grimly aware of what chaos he had wrought 20 minutes into organizing his bedroom shelves Wednesday.

FULLERTON, CA—Having grown up seeing few characters he could relate to on the big screen, local man Jake Champney, who once jumped a motorcycle onto a hijacked bullet train, told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he’d see the day when Hollywood would tell stories like his.

CINCINNATI—Stunning observers with the reckless and arrogant overextension of their modest business, local restaurant Angelo’s Pizzeria was making a foolhardy attempt at a second location, sources reported Monday.

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Citing the frequent and unnecessary missives sent out at all hours of the day, sources confirmed Friday that the league representative from the company Bakersfield Sportz needed to cool it with all the emails.

HUDSON, NY—Saying he felt compelled to personally respond to the actions of a president he views as vicious and corrupt, local dipshit Scott Rudnick announced Thursday his intention to fight the Trump administration through his art.

Horrified Man Suddenly Realizes He’s Putting Down Roots In Charlotte

A terrified 31-year-old Mark Collier suddenly becomes aware that he is making a life for himself in the Charlotte metro area.

A terrified 31-year-old Mark Collier suddenly becomes aware that he is making a life for himself in the Charlotte metro area.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Suddenly stopping in his tracks as he boarded the Lynx blue line to go apply for a library card on Tuesday, local man Mark Collier came to the horrifying realization that he was putting down roots in the city of Charlotte, NC.

“Wait, hold on a second, am I...am I building a life for myself in Charlotte, North Carolina?” Collier said as it suddenly dawned on him he’d recently renewed his membership at a gym in downtown Charlotte for another year. “No no no, this can’t be right. I’m not settling down and making a go of it in Charlotte. Am I?”

“Christ, I just bought a bureau for my apartment in Plaza Midwood,” he continued. “What is happening?”

Collier, 31, who moved to Charlotte two years ago to take a job at a digital marketing agency, told reporters it just became terrifyingly apparent to him that, if asked, he could now easily give strangers accurate driving directions in or around the Charlotte metro area or offer recommendations on the Queen City’s bars, shopping malls, art galleries, public parks, or concert venues.

As it suddenly became clear that the majority of his wardrobe had been purchased at the South End Super Flea, a disturbed Collier realized that he could also consider himself a “regular” at not one, but three Sizzlin’ Saturday food carts, each of which know his name and preferred order.

In addition, it hit Collier that he actually has strong, informed opinions about the job Patrick Cannon has been doing as mayor so far.

“Oh God, I think I’m starting to become an active and engaged member of the Charlotte community,” said Collier, shuddering at the thought of being only seven months from having to get a North Carolina driver’s license. “Over the holidays I went to the annual Holiday Afternoon Tea event at the Ritz-Carlton in Uptown Charlotte and without missing a beat I thought, ‘This should be a new tradition I do every year at Christmas.’”

“I’ve actually asked friends to come visit me in Charlotte,” he added, looking straight ahead, dead-eyed. “I’ve said the words, ‘If you’re ever in the Charlotte area, we should meet up.’ And then after that I said, ‘I can show you around the city.’”

According to Collier, putting down roots in Charlotte “just kind of snuck up on [him].” What started with minor occurrences such as having to change his default mailing address on Amazon quickly grew into something much more involved as he was summoned for jury duty at the Mecklenburg County Courthouse and started considering U.S. Airways his “preferred airline” because it had a hub at CLT.

Earlier this fall, he even attended a Charlotte Bobcats game and heard himself say the words “let’s go ’Cats!” while clapping.

“If I’m ever getting out of here, time is running out,” said Collier, realizing that he was coming up on two years together with a girl who was born in Charlotte, grew up in Charlotte, and by any reasonable estimation probably wanted to stay in Charlotte. “Unless this is, somehow, actually the city where I want to plant roots and settle down. Is that possible? I don’t see how that can be possible.”

“Although, that being said, you gotta love Freedom Park in the springtime,” Collier added. “Just gorgeous.”

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ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ talk.

TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes.

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