Wednesday, January 23, 2013

My favorite Jokes ever

1. My mother says she wishes I’d never been born and I don’t think that’s true. Because then she’d have a 26 year old man living inside of her. –Dan Mintz

2. “I could never be in a porno because the director would have to keep yelling at me not to fall in love." -Mike Drucker

3. I discovered the cure for depression, here's what you do, you take a blue or black pen, draw a rabbit's face atop your own face. Make some rabbit ears out of paper plates or cotton balls, I don't know what you have. You make some fudge, which is pretty easy, from what I have read. You go out on your front porch and start yelling at people. Hey jackass! Want some fudge? Hey pretty lady! Oh a guy, sorry sorry, want some fudge? It gets you out and about in your community and shows everyone you need help. -Maria Bamford

4. “I’m a pretty shy person. My number one pet peeve is when my loud extroverted friends are like ‘No Aparna, don’t feel weird, I’m actually shy too, we all are a little bit.’ Don’t do that. Don’t take the one thing I have to cling to this world to in the fetal position preferably. If you say you’re shy you need the street cred to back it up. You need to earn it. Have you ever been kicked out of the library for being too quiet? ‘Sorry, miss, but you’ve been here for days.’ ‘But my friends live in the pages!’” –Aparna Nancherla

5. Travelling can be pretty lonely, wait, no not traveling, what's the word? Life can be pretty lonely. Have you told someone you're really lonely and they're like, oh we should hang out. That's not what I meant. -John Mulaney

6. It was so beautiful today I only watched four hours of law and order in my apartment. -John Mulaney

7. This woman wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don't bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar. -TJ Miller

8. She said, 'You're an unoriginal jerk. Everything you've said to me you've said to some other girl.' I felt awful but I was like, 'Yeah, of course.' There's only a limited amount of words in the English language that make sense to say to a female. If you can only use them once, you're going to run out and be like, 'Garbage truck banana boat.' -TJ Miller

9. I was an altar boy when I was a kid, and the answer is 'no.' -Mike Birbiglia

11. "I don't know if Tyra Banks is a deep person. I bet she's never wondered, what would happen if I ate this piece of poop." -Rylee Newton

12. "I like sloppy seconds as much as the next guy." -Steven Wilber

13. "Everything is horrible. The world is a smoking ruin. Our dreams are but wispy tendrils upon the wind. And President Obama says what we should do to fix everything is to increase taxes upon the wealthy. I don't think we should do that. I think we should murder the wealthy in front of their children, so that their children become Batman." -Dan Telfer

14. "Being happy is like riding a bike. You're better at it if your dad didn't abandon you when you were two." -Morgan Murphy

15. "I read an article that said car accidents happen closest to home. Does that mean orphans are better drivers? If you think about it, it makes sense because they have more time to practice when they're not being loved by anyone." -Jon Dore

16. "I like drinking so much I can't tell if I love drinking or just hate myself." -Jon Dore

17. "If you visit Hiroshima, it's okay to be an optimist, just don't use the phrase every cloud has a silver lining" -Jon Dore

18. "My roommate said for a long time she thought you lost your virginity whenever your hymen broke and that's crazy. If that was true then I lost mine when I was like 12 at gymnastics camp when I slept with my coach." -Jamie Lee.

19. "I was looking for porn and I didn't know what to look for and I just started googling 'Hot dudes who care about me.'" -Heather Thompson

20. "When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle." -Anthony Jeselnik