Those of us who have experienced power plays, bullying, narcissistic abuse and just plain awful relationships find we are much better off when we learn to identify and avoid toxic people. Being consciously aware and cautious of the red flags which signal unhealthy interactions is critical for anyone who has been entangled with a wolf in a sheep suit. Developing discernment is the first step to freedom.

Getting too focused on problem behaviors and red flags, however, has a downside. It is not enough to avoid difficult people. At some point, we want to actively attract healthy, supportive people and have easy, loving relationships. Avoidance is not attractive.

The metaphysical minded tell us that what we focus on expands; that we attract what we think of the most according to habitual feelings. This makes avoidance a bad strategy for finding new and better relationships. And, indeed, avoidance is only a part of the process.

When avoiding problem people, it’s a good idea to ask, “What do I want instead?” In this way, we move away from the competitive and move toward the collaborative. Rather than moving randomly away from the problem, and perhaps toward another problem, we can set a course away from the problem and directly toward the solution. The solution is the relationship we wanted in the first place, or maybe even better than that. This is to be found in a different territory altogether.

Simple steps through this portal;

Believe that there exist wonderful relationships with delightful people. Find an example of a wonderful relationship, to prove to yourself it exists.

Know you are worthy of great relationships. If you have been targeted by a low-empathy type, chances are very good that you value relationships, have a great deal of empathy, and are a socially savvy person. Your matches, personally and professionally, are others who empathize and collaborate.

List the behaviors and traits you avoid as red flags.

For each red flag, define what you want instead. For example: My last manager made me feel criticized. I want a manager with whom I feel accepted and supported.

Seek out people with whom you feel consistently good.

Set aside any cynicism. (It doesn’t really protect you.) See what happens after a couple of weeks of redirecting your attention in this way.

You have had some painful experiences. You suffered narcissistic abuse from a partner or you were targeted by a bully at work. You didn’t see the warnings. As is so often the case, this person treated you especially well at the start, and turned up the heat so slowly you barely noticed it.

Added to that, there’s a better than average chance that you grew up being taught to ignore bad behavior, tolerate boundary violations, and maybe coached to ignore your fears and worries. There may have been conflicts explained away as, “nothing to be afraid of.” Perhaps obvious violations were denied, with, “your cousin would never do that!” Your feelings could have been minimized with arguments like, “you don’t really hate your sister!”

However badly others tried to bend your reality and no matter how well meant they were, the good news is this: your perceptions are still intact and probably very highly refined.

I’ve never met a target of abuse or bullying who didn’t have a very well tuned sensitivity to others, ranging to acute intuitive abilities. You have exactly the skills you need to identify potentially dangerous relationships.

You just need to apply those perceptual skills and trust them!

Much of the time, it is really quite simple to identify a person who is dangerous to be around. Good relationships feel good. Bad relationships do not feel good. If you frequently feel bad around a person, that is probably not a good relationship for you.

If you frequently feel bad around many people, it’s probably due to your own “stuff.” The rule is still quite simple. If you feel bad around someone, more than usual, or more than you do around anyone else, question why you would spend any more time with this person.

In personal interactions this is quite easy. If you feel bad about the interactions, or confused by the behavior, shake the dust from your feet. Move on. It will not get better.

In professional interactions, this is not not always so easy. You may find you are able to work quite well with someone you do not especially like, if the interaction is respectful. On the other hand, you may, at least in the short run, have to work with someone who is very toxic. Still, if a particular person causes you pain, start looking for ways to get out of the situation.

Those of us who have found most relationships painful, may argue that this is not realistic, but here is another bit of good news: Good relationships are not particularly painful.

Good relationships are available, but you may not have held out for them if you don’t think they are possible. If you wonder about this, watch for my next post which will give you reassurance that safe and rewarding relationships exist.