What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting Because You Don’t Want Kids

Congratulations! You’ve decided not to introduce more humans into this infinite hellscape. Here’s what you can expect as you navigate the miracle of not conforming to society’s expectations.

Chapter 1: Are You Not Pregnant?

Are your periods completely on time? Do you feel energized, not in the least bit nauseated, and proud of your Twitter rant explaining your deliberate choice not to spawn? You might just be not pregnant. Of course, the only way to know for sure is by taking an official non-pregnancy test: telling your mother you plan on stunting the family tree and seeing if you survive.

Chapter 2: Your Medical History

One of the best parts about not expecting is knowing the medical history you won’t be passing on to your child. Heart disease, irritable bowels, not listening when people say their names—these are all genetic weaknesses you’ll be sparing future generations.

Chapter 3: Choosing an Ob-gyn

Finding a doctor who thinks that women are more than walking wombs can be tricky. Try telling your ob-gyn that you don’t plan on procreating and see if she cocks her head to one side like a confused Irish Setter. If so, she might not be right for you.

Chapter 4: Your Non-Pregnant Life Style

Non-pregnancy does come with its fair share of life-style changes. For example, the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want, without worrying about the consequences for your fertility or what your religious uncle would think. Want to eat a pound of raw tuna and wash it down with a sleeve of weed Oreos and a litre of Stolichnaya? You know what, that’s actually not a good idea, regardless of your pregnancy status.

Chapter 5: Telling Your Boss

This conversation comes with all kinds of anxieties. Will you immediately be given a raise? Made partner? Will it feel weird to suddenly be taken seriously now that your boss knows you’ll never go on maternity leave (even though this decision obviously shouldn’t play a role in how your employer values your work, because motherhood and ambition are not mutually exclusive and employers actually have a greater trust in male employees who are fathers, creating a rigid double standard that has systematically penalized women for a century)? Will you have to learn how to play golf?

Chapter 6: Sex

And now for the question on every woman’s mind: Can you have sex when you’re not pregnant? Four out of five hot doctors say yes. But beware: sex does lead to pregnancy, so make sure to use protection.

Chapter 7: Travel

Non-pregnant women should avoid travel the week of their periods, as it might affect their ability to hook up with sexy resort-workers or drummers with British accents. Other than that, the sky’s the limit, as no one’s relying on you for food, financial support, or guidance on how not to swallow coins.

Chapter 8: Prepartum

Some women experience depression following their decision to remain childless. If you ever feel this way, experts recommend going to your neighborhood playground and sitting there for one second. If that doesn’t work, you can always log onto Facebook and see how tired all of your high-school friends look.