5 Dangerous products (marketed as healthy)

Updated on October 30, 2010

Nowadays companies are expected to put out products that are
good for you, or at least ones that won’t make you any worse off than you already
are, but there was a time, before the FDA, where it was easy to put out all
kinds of crazy harmful items. Back in the day, when men were men and women knew
not to talk, lest they get a smack to the mouth, they were probably making
stuff like magic cow manure and radioactive toothpaste.

You thought that was just an intro joke? Guess again,
reader. In our first stop on radioactive quackery, we bring you Doramad radioactive
toothpaste. Doramad was initially introduced in Germany during World War II,
touting a wide array of health benefits and curative properties.

The Boast:

This handy translation of what’s written on the side of a
bottle of doramad provides us with what this toothpaste is supposed to do:

Curing the dreaded mouth indians since 1940!

“Its radioactive radiation increases the defenses of teeth
and gums. The cells are loaded with new life energy…” Hey that sounds good. Just the other day, I had a scientologist try to give me a thetan reading and the scientologist administering it
told me my energy levels were far too low. This should be a good way to
replenish them… right?

Pictured: Cells with new life energy

The Reality:

As you probably know, radiation just isn’t healthy, but
worry not, dear readers. Thorium, the radioactive ingredient in doramad, is a
very weak radioactive metal that can’t penetrate the skin. Unless of course you
bypass the skin and stick that shit right in your mouth, but hey, as long as
you rinse your mouth out good, you should be fine right? Just as long as you’re
not rinsing your mouth out with…

#4 Radioactive Water

Wait
really? They actually did this? Well ok… Apparently radioactive water
was pretty popular in the earlier part of the 20th century. In fact,
steel tycoon Eben Byers drank over 1,400 bottles of a product called Radithor prescribed to him by a doctor.

"Looks like you've got a touch of the cat herpes. Let me prescribe you some rat poison for that."

The Boast:Well
there were quite a few radioactive tonics you could get in addition to
the Radithor I listed above; there were even some do it at home water
filters like the Lifetime Radium-Vitalizer Water Jar or the Radiumizer Vitalizer Water Jar
(They win no points for creativity.) They’re kind of like a Brita
pitcher, except the water probably doesn’t taste like fetuses. These
products would claim that natural water contains "vigor gas" and the
"vigor element" which is allegedly lost when it travels through your
plumbing; probably on account of poor people.

Today they take our soup; tomorrow they take the vigor gas.

But we are in luck because these products claim to restore our vigor gas to maximum potential!
So what are these vigor nutrients that our water is missing? Hell if I
know, but they modestly claim it can cure every disease ever; even retardation.

Radiation is apparently the cure for you, not the cause

The Reality:Fortunately
enough, the water from these products usually had very negligible
amounts of radiation. As long as you aren’t drinking 1,400 glasses of it
like the guy we mentioned above, you shouldn’t die, but I can’t
guarantee that your DNA won’t be the equivalent of having its nuts
kicked.

Make sure your kids are growing extra appendages for generations to come

Now
you may be thinking “what a gyp. This product isn’t even that
dangerous.” Well I have the response for you. You might not die from
the radiation, but you probably will die from the large amounts of
arsenic found in the filters. Something that they specifically
advertised it did not contain. Similar to when Oscar Mayer tries to say
there meat isn’t made out of cow asses.

The Relaxacisor, at first, seems fairly sane. You apply
little defibrillator-like shock pads to your skin and it courses electricity
through your body to make your muscles jump which they claimed simultaneously
exercised the muscles and cured soreness.

The Heidelberg Alternating Current Belt on the other hand
was a whole mixed bag of crazy. It’s manufacturers claimed that it cured
“impotency, rheumatism, sciatica, lame back, railroad back, insomnia,
melancholia, kidney disorder, Bright's disease, dyspepsia, disorders of the
liver, female weakness, poor circulation, weak heart action and almost every
known disease and weakness.” The more perplexing disease on that list would
have to be female weakness. What exactly
is female weakness? Is it something all females have, or is it something they
catch? Is this a disease women have that can be given to men? So many things
unknown, but one important fact rises above all; this ballsy statement right
here, “ALL THAT ELECTRICITY WILL DO FOR YOU WILL BE RECEIVED.”

It probably also gives you that rockin' stache

The Reality:

As you’ve probably guessed by now, when a product says it
cures everything, it’s obviously untrue, so no; the electric belt won’t cure
your arthritis; although the jury is still out on female weakness. Luckily,
though, other than some pain, this one won’t be too bad for you. The same can’t
be said for the relaxacisor though…

You’re probably thinking, “The relaxacisor can’t be too
harmful, right?” After all, it has the most reasonable list of results, and it
actually sounds moderately scientific. Well get ready to learn that the world
hates plausibility and brings it to its knees.

All this youth crushed by the worlds expectations

The relaxacisor can “cause miscarriages and
could aggravate many pre-exisiting medical conditions, including hernia,
ulcers, varicose veins and epilepsy.” Holy Balls! Miscarriages! They’re so
dangerous the FDA even made it illegal to second hand sell these things, but
you haven’t even heard the most disturbing part. The worst thing to come about
from the relaxacisor is that it has gained popularity among people like
this, where they use the relaxacisor as a sex toy from hell. Read this quote “…the muscles will become weak and sore and it
will make them unable to stand. What fun it is to start whipping when their muscles
are collapsing and make them stand for a few more minutes or continue with the
whip.” We know a lot of you probably will look at people differently from now
on knowing that anyone you see walking down the street might go home and risk
having a hernia to to please themselves.

Adore the kitten and forget what you've read here today.

Let’s just move onto the next list item… please

X-Rays:

We’ve been utilizing X-rays since the 19th century, so it’s
no surprise that they found their way into a few products. For this one we have
the Tricho System and the Shoe Fitting X-Ray Device. The Tricho System used X-rays for hair removal, and the Shoe fitting X-ray Device was used to find properly sized feet... rulers didn't exist 100 years ago?

X-rays are much more appropriate

The Boast:

Unlike the other items on the list, these ones made sense. The tricho system would use X-rays to kill hair follicles, so a woman could have "superfluous" facial hair removed, and the Shoe Fitting X-ray machine would use X-rays to show you a picture of the inside of your foot, which a shoe fitter would then use to find a properly fitted shoe.

The Reality:

As for the Shoe Fitting machine, aside from the inherent danger of having X-rays pumped through your feet, the machines were also faultily built so that excess radiation often leaked out and into the surrounding area.So if you were a clerk working the machine, or just a bystander, you could be getting doused with radiation you didn't ask for.

But hey, properly fitting shoes!

#1 UV Radiation

Come on people. Did you really think that by bathing yourselves in all this stuff you'd get anything other than trouble? I know that you didn't know better, but really? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a tanning bed appointment I have to make.