28.5.10

so what was i expecting? when did i start having such high expectations of people? i guess it's because recently, i've just gotten to know so many great people that i can't help but be optimistic. you know?

so today, i am reminded once again of what it's like to be a part of the real world & once again, i disappointed myself. no surprise, really, but put under the pressure, i just can't seem to stand up for myself. i'm just not like that. i go with the flow & thus, i'm no fighter.

i had to do my bio lab this morning & failed it. not necessarily mark-wise (but we shall see), but moral, potential & skill-wise. i looked like a damned fool & i hate when people look at me & treat me like nothing. just like the beginning of the year. & me being me, i OBVIOUSLY refuse to prove myself when i'm supposed to cause, oddly, somewhere in my mind, it means that i'm intentionally putting myself out there to be judged. where's the confidence, [bt]?

so i didn't know how to use a microscope polarisant, which in no way is my fault because we DIDN'T learn to use one this year. & i insist on that because my teacher's just like, "you forgot". I FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAKING HATE THAT. when someone just completely denies to your face something that you can't prove. it's bullshit. honestly, i thought i was going to slap her but instead i just cried cause i was frustrated. & the thing is, all my friends were around me with doubts on their faces & understandably, they wanted to save their own asses so they didn't stand up for me EVEN IF they're not really sure if we learned to use it this year (they've used the microscope in past years). i'm just very huge on loyalty & i can't stand when people aren't loyal. i'm not sure how i came to value loyalty so much but if i'm friends with someone, i would totally stand by their side. it's a trust thing & most of all it's just the fact that betrayal is just about the evilest thing out there & i ain't evil.

so although i'm pissed at the teachers who are careless & cut me no slack whatsoever (but why should they? & how could it be that i haven't understood that by now? stupid stupid stupid...), i'm mostly pissed at myself for a) not taking enough (cause i did take some) initiative to look up how to use the damned thing even though it wouldn't have been the same thing as actually using the damned thing b) for being slack as usual during an IMPORTANT evaluation, giving my whopping 80% c) for opening my mouth when i should've kept it tightly shut d) for keeping my mouth tightly shut when i should've opened it as in, not standing up for myself. damn.

after the lab, i tried to explain to the teacher that i had never told used a polarising microscope before & that i wasn't there last year & that we had never used it this year & you know what he says? "ça se voyait. tant pis" What. The. F***??? in english: "yeah, i could tell. too bad." so i just walked out.

& cried.

the only person who ended up trying to comfort me was the girl that everyone hates, only because she's the smartest & prettiest one in the class. no joke. (i'm not even going to try to pretend that beauty is subjective blah cause this one is kind of undeniable) anyway, she tried to make me feel better cause she gets into these situations too (but for a lot higher marks, of course) & funny, cause the bio teacher hates her too, just like she hates me. (not in a mean way, in a completely negative vibe way. you just feel it. & i don't care if you don't believe me cause i trust my vibes, man.) & i ate lunch with her & her friends & they were totally cool. then we hung out for 20min before going to class. it's nice to be with friends. (not that my friends aren't nice but they totally ditched to be with their bfs so yeah...loyalty points have been deducted)

i hate the feeling of disappointment. it's that heavy thing in my stomach again. i feels sickening & i just overall hate being disappointed in myself cause that's the kind that you can't deny.

(that's the 2nd johnny depp this year!)

luckily, i've got my philo teacher to talk about a student she had 15 years ago that she & my math teacher urged to persue a career in music & apparently she's successful now in paris. 2 words: BIG PICTURE. things like that just reminds me to shake out of it all. like what's my problem? since when do i care so much about this stuff? it's time to relax. i just got too caught up & that kind of disappoints me too, actually...

24.5.10

oh how i dread summer. i swear it just wasn't intended for me. it's not that i don't like the warmth & it's not that i don't like the sun. heck, i love the sun. but physically, my body is just incapable of adapting to >20°C weather. i'm sure a number of you out there know what i mean...

today is the first day i spent in a tank top. this is about as hot as i can take, which means that when you step outside, you literally cannot tell the difference in temperature cause there ain't one! it's one of the weirdest feelings out there, i find, & it's one of the few things i appreciate about the heat. me, i like breeze. i feel stuffy when all is still. & icky too.

i love listening to the birds chirp though. clear blue skies. crazy amounts of daylight is also much appreciated, especially in the morning. cool nights. that's all good for me. ;)

16.5.10

the End not getting any farther, things are rapidly speeding up, which means acceleration, which means secV physics, which means physics this year too. i had a DM to do for next week about a toad named Gaston who decides to jump on a lilypad & then he falls in love with Gertrude & has to throw her a love letter.THAT's what i love about physics, which reminds me: yesterday morning, i actually had a good moment with that teacher i can't stand. like, we were both smiling & then as soon as we realized, snapped out of it. i got out of there as fast as i could...

in the afternoon, Ari came over & we worked some more on her English & then i did hw. watched OTH until 3 in the morn & woke up early this morning for a contemporary dance stage. the teacher reminded me a lot of Mme Lefèvre, which is a good thing. it was nice to do contemporary FOR REAL for once. i really enjoyed it & i feel like i've ACTUALLY improved in dancing; my technique & especially, my ability to pick up choreography. the level was JUST right; a tad more difficult than my level, which allows room for improvement. at the end, we attacked a variation, which became a duet!! it was sooo interesting! it was the first time i danced a duo & it worked out fantastic. now i'm exhausted, but in the good way. i'm tired, not worn out.

i've been working ever since i got home & i have to plan out my study schedule for the rest of the year. the BAC is in 30 days!!!! crap!! i've really got to get a move on. math, phys/chem, i'm plutôt ok with, i think...but the rest is all by heart stuff & i should really start cramming!!!

10.5.10

so this past WE was rather eventful. here are the highlights:Friday night, called my family at 11 & spoke to them until 3 in the morn. a lot of laughs & a lot of tears later, i finally decided to sleep. woke up non very surprisingly with incredibly puffy eyes. i looked like a frog...or my brother, lol.

Saturday was my FIRST ped day of the year, believe it or not & technically, it wasn't even a ped day but a holiday. & i landed on a saturday, when i only have half a day of school. but it was great anyway cause i got to sleep in. :) in the afternoon, i went horseback riding with my host sis & mom. it should be made into a comedy because the videos they took of me trying to hop up & down to the rhythm of the horse's trotting is just um, plain out hilarious. i look like a fool. lol!

we ate raclette for dinner then watched Gossip Girl with both my host sisters with only THE BEST apple crumble i've EVER tasted. seriously, for one, i absolutely HATE crumble, of any sort. i can tolerate the one i make but it's bof. this one, that my host mom made, was even one of the best desserts i've tasted in my life!! 9.5/10. afterwards, i finished my host mom's bday card. at midnight, i called my family again, then a good friend i hadn't spoke to since i before i left for 3h, then my best friend for 1h30, until i fell asleep, around 4:30 in the morn. slept like a baby. & no tears that night.

oddly enough, sunday was my mom Mom's Mother's day & my host Mom's bday. so i woke up, took my petit déj & then we had apéro. in other words, champagne. we also at a lot of snacks. for lunch, we had roast beef, which was delicious & after lunch, I went to Ari's house to help her with English & then we worked on French together. as usual, it takes me half an hour to do the ten minute walk because i take pictures of everything. you may recognize some of the same gates...

Got back home & had apéro again & opened presents: a HUGE (1.5m x 3m) picture from IKEA, candy, an ABBA CD that we put on right away, a novel & two weeks ago, we gave her tickets to an ABBA theatre production. i also gave her this card:

she's really happy.

Dinner was pasta with andouillette (8/10),which is delicious because it basically a sausage stuffed with tripe. My mom & grandpa would TOTALLY LOVE it.

7.5.10

i feel like crap cause Canadian boy is gone. his airplane took off this afternoon & we texted til he left but i can't stop thinking about it. it sucks. thinking about the fact that he's left just reminds me of the fact that this thing actually comes to an end. shit.plus, i'm getting super along with everyone (except for creepy boy). like seriously, i KNOW my class. we laugh & i don't feel like an outsider. come to think of it, i've rarely felt like an outsider. & yet i can't say that i love it here. i just love the people here, EVERYONE that i've met here, whether french, italian, american, heck, croatian too, friends, family, teachers, afs volunteers. i've never been farther from my world & yet i've never felt so in touch with my world. what is it about knowing so many DIFFERENT people that is so rewarding?

[bt]

p.s. i'm really reconsidering the whole fb thing. it's getting to the point where i don't really know how else i could easily stay in touch with all of my FRIENDS. probably when it's all over, when i get back.

i think i'm in love.lots & lots & lots of love.this is to all of my friends.new & old.cheers.

5.5.10

i haven't exactly been shooting for quality as much as quantity so go easy on me, ok?

host sis is a rider & host family wanted to show me so we went to chantilly (horse-riding, nearly pompous & only the most arrogant & classy city in France; if they're not wearing RL, they're wearing RL).set-up for the occasion.terrier with master.there was a storm so i tried to take lightning but light being the things that moves at the speed of speeds, well, um, kinda hard to catch. i took dozens of pics & this is the closest thing i got. a blurry cotton candy. the lights look really awesome though.so this is my accumulation of notes since the beginning of the year. with class monday to saturday, 34h/week, this is the physical representation of how much i have to cram for the upcoming month...& i don't exactly write big either...this is my biggest fear. falling off the edge. of anything.my italian gals & i.la manche between the UK & France, right be where we stayed this WE; sweetness. if you stare at the generators individually, you might get the impression that the other ones are moving...at least that what i see...i know, right? i know it's cruel but when i was looking at this fish & all of his buddies, i couldn't help wondering how many people it would take to um, eat him...i'm sry if my mind's always on food. it was completely unintentional & in no way personal (towards the fish). it was more like a flattery because his size was just so astonishing. honest!i had to wait a bit to get this guy (or gal?) to have at least ONE eye looking my way. :pthis picture makes it seem like there's a perspective problem (genre, Alice in Wonderland) but no joke, the frog is actually THAT small, lolthis was my friends' & my favourite fish in the tank. it's one hell of a fish, isn't it? for some reason, it reminds me of Oprah...[bt]

4.5.10

i just wanted to say that i had one of the best weekends of my life before i forget it all. it's a shame that i don't have the time to go into details or take care of my grammar so here goes...

it was an AFS WE, obviously & we all went up to Wilmereux, right by the Ch'tis who live in Bergues. I was picked up at the McDo parking lot with Ari by AL & PE & from there, we headed off to Quick to pick up two French & a Canadian. 2.5h later, we arrived at a dead grey northern-most tip of the country & us girls dropped off our stuff at a chambre d'hôte. We headed for the cabins.

We arrived in an apartment with a total of 23 AFSers. Fait la bise with everyone, 5 of which were newbies. Played an ice-breaker (say your name, do a gesture), kicked some ball on the balcony, bought postcards by the seashore, wrote a postcard to myself, simulated potential host family situations, ate a snack, kicked some more ball, ate pizza, played more soccer on the field & went to a bar.

Since we were so many, there weren't enough places in the cars to take us all at once so we had to do shifts. I volunteered to stay behind with five others & we chilled/bonded on the balcony, under the stars for half an hour. Got into a car with a guy I might not forget. Got to the bar. Got a drink. Jiggied. Met a guy I probably won't forget. Then met a guy I definitely won't forget. It was freezing so he gave me his sweater. shucks.

Got back to the B&B. Cri, being the curious animal she is, decided to go through the stuff in the room, i.e. a wooden box with an old crispy yellow ripped up letter. She puts the thing together & reads it with Ari to find out that 3 days after reading the thing, you die. They scream. Great, just great. They want to read the prayer aloud. I say no. Jus comes down & rereads the thing & finds out that it's a "good curse" type thing. Ok. Phew. We all jump into a puzzled-together-with-two-twin-beds bed, me & my girlies. Chatted a little & fell asleep feeling like a sardine. Woke up to Ari & her lost wallet & cell phone. She thinks she left them at the bar. I say don't worry, they're probably in the car.

Breakfast. Croissants & nasty goat cheese-FLAVOURED Babybel. Yuck.

They're in the car, her wallet & her cellphone. We celebrate. We go straight to the Aquarium & spend the morning there. Ari, Cri & I watch a 3D movie starring Jacques Cousteau, just the three of us in the theatre. Génial. Touched sting rays & really big fish with Canadian boy. & saw a million other fish. Clown fish, jelly fish. Sharks, hermit crabs. & then I ate a lot of fish. Too much fish. I think I became a fish.

Again, not enough cars so again, I volunteer. I run in the pouring rain with 5 others back to the cabins & I'm soaked. Nasty. We discuss our fears for the return & after, the WE is over. We debrief & the only complaint is that no one wants to leave. EVERYONE wants to stay. I cry.

It's crazy you know, how we can just bond like that. When I cried, all of the other 22 came & we group hugged around me. That's how much bonding can happen in 24h & that's when I realized that the BAC isn't worth giving up the rest of my time here. It's stupid. I told my friends at school & they don't get it. They think I'm crazy, irrational. I get them though. You have to live it. You have to be an AFSer. No offense, I don't want to discriminate but you just can't get it unless you get it. I'm glad SOMETHING woke me up from my madness. I don't want to leave here with regrets.

We played a shooting game during the 3h ride home & I had a blast. Got home at 9 & straight away, added everyone on msn.

Monday night, watched 2h of TV with host sis instead of studying for my exam. I had a blast.

It's important to spend moments that help you remember the POINT of living. If I did ALL that in 24h, what can I do in a life? Studying sucks. But it's calling me...