May 2008

But it looks like we are heading up. Reese is still up to his antics... But my hormones seam to have leveled out. Which (I hope) means we are going to make it through this. And what I mean by this is, all of the fits of rage and frustration and well, mainly MYSTERY. We WILL weather out all of the mystery fits and hopefully end up funnier for it.

I did find myself crawl into bed with Ree for his nap-time twice this week. Which means it must have been a really f&cking hard day (twice) for me to give up time... time... time... time... to??? NO time to panic! Just start doing... Something... Anything... Just go go go! Now! For Pete's sake woman get something accomplished! While there is a glimmer of time to!

This is how it normally goes, I watch his face wide eyed until he shuts his wide eyes and as soon as he does... The stop watch begins and it is an all out fire drill, complete with head sirens, times to beat and kittens to save.

Since my last mid-day mommy nap and the arrival of my special friend (ma' lady time) I seam to feel normal again. Geeze it is nice to feel level, grounded, loving and sane! Even when my child is head butting me in the nose while grab-pinch-mangling my throat and calling me, No likey you!" after hurling a bowl of tofu once swimming in Bragg's across the room to land on and drain into our heater grate... I am hopeful and confident that one day we will be able to avoid such conflicts through fluent verbal communication. Oh, Yes! One day!... we WILL negotiate and discuss these matters, that at this point in time, are a complete and total fu#king mystery to me.

?????

And what we do for now, since the weather has been so nice, we strap on helmets and hop on our bike and go riding through our delightful little town with the breeze in our hair (well actually over the tops of our very dorky helmets-- Because I am a mom now, that is how (literally) we roll) and the sun on our faces and just ride...ride... ride... it on out!

It has been hectic around here the past couple of days, as you may have read.

I am pretty sure it does not help that "Shark Week" is swiftly approaching (yep, I mean ma' period)... I am pretty sure I for warned you all that I wasn't gonna hold anything back... (except maybe the "i" in the word s.h.*.t. and the "u"'s in f.*.c.k... For some reason (I really have no idea why)?... That's how I roll... guess I am trying to hold on to some sort of dignity... Yep, that does it, censoring my cuss words.

I am dignified!

Really though, it has been rough, the last few days... Quite a funk I have been in. I think it is the combination of hormones (you would think that after nearly 15 years of getting the darn thing, EVERY MONTH... that I would know about it by now, that it wouldn't be such a f*cking mystery surprise all the time... and then, OHHH!?!!..The day I get it? I actually "get it"! Thaaaat's what was going on! I get it now ( I am actually, in real life, typing right now... With the stupidest dumdum airhead open month grin on my face, umm yeah I am acting out my typing... O.K...?)

So now, with the combination of my period coming and sleep deprivation, my defenses against baby monsters and mess malicias are near depleted.

I am trying to figure something out here... If what keeps me sane is adding to insanity... What ever do I do?? Oh... maybe I just need to better balance things out... Oh yeah, 'cause that is sooo me!

I really am typing out my head here, so bare with me, cause I am about to break it down...

So what keeps me sane is, making art, going to my studio, having alone time... But on the other hand once I am there I will stay forever! I just don't want to leave... and it is not that I am blatantly protesting returning home to my family, it is just that I get so wrapped up in being artist me, the time, it just disappears and the next thing I know it is literally 3:45am (that's what happened last night) and I am still there, at my studio... Now fully aware of where I need to be, at home! Sleeping! Because my little baby is going to wake up in three hours and needs me to wake up with him. Because apparently it is sooo hard to scramble some eggs!?!

Not only does this type of behavior (of staying out all night) effect my mood tremendously... It effects my self esteem and I feel like a shitty mother...It is not like I am some floozy bar hag (sorry to all those mom's out there that are) out for a week on a bender, but I feel kinda just like one... Only maybe slightly better.Because I am being selfish and a non-consequential thinker. I am not considering, in the moment, that Ree is going to probably pay the price in the morning for my irritability and short temper from not having gotten proper rest... But wait, there is a twist to this situation, I will be irritable and a cranky pants if I DON"T get time to myself...

The answer then... is... I guess I have to balance it out a bit, maybe not till three in the morning maybe just till eleven... oooh... that is still in the night time range, and if I set my phone to notify me of my limit then I can do both. It will be a challenge- I know because, I am not a very moderate person... But I am a strong and I am determined to not be a lame mom.

Since writing about my last couple of days, I have found that I was able to let go of a lot of the feelings that those words, type... text?... held! I know that this works, this is such a decompression mechanism for me... this expressing myself business... It really is a good fit for me, always has been. I have had a lot of therapy through out my years... And am currently not seeing anyone (I am married so that does not mean to sound like I am available and looking--so fellas back off! [you know, cause I am sure tons of dudes read my mama drama]).

Anyway what I was trying to say, before I went joke turned borderline tangent on you all, is that...

I think I found my new therapist... Dr. Typepad... Which might sound kinda weird and random, and I wonder what some of my old therapists would say... but I am kinda digging the idea... Of not holding back anything on account of anything... Not trying to paint any sort of picture but the one that is really there, here, REAL!

It is somewhat hard to be completely candid knowing that this page could potentially be seen by every single person on the planet... Potentially, it could. That is not to say in reality more then ten people actually read it (and I get intimidated by the gang of you just the same.) But I feel like if I am approaching this blog on a more personal one on one type of level it is quite effective as therapeutic tool... And I think that everyone could always use a little more therapy in their lives! Since I am not financially in the position to see a real therapist on a weekly basis, this little blog just might serve as a substitute--I mean isn't that what these things started out as, on line journals?? Maybe we'll see how it goes...

Am a strong believer of free expression and openness of hearts and the processing of feelings... I think that just as reading & writing are taught in school so should be the teaching of emotions and expression (I know that often they are, indirectly, through other outlets like art and music and writing and such, but I am talking, "Today we are going to get as mad as hell and express it!", type of sh+t... Or like, "Did everyone do their home work, of crying over a loss, and what was it and what happened and how did you feel???-- ... That is the kind of world I want to live in, an open, feelings are real, and accepted, and honored. and celebrated world!

And now Typepad has gone and changed up the program on me and I am not seeming to be able to up load pix... What??? I say WHAT, is going on here???... Is Mercury in retro grade? (that is the Santa Cruz in me asking that question). Is my super magnetism messing with my ability (or rather in ability) to operate simple electrically charged devices (again, that's the Santa Cruz talking)?

I just thought I was out of the dark here with my adorable new pinky, and now her efforts are in blogging vein, as they will not transfer... AHHHHH!

Any who... I guess I'll try to over come my dilemma and get to writing a more meatier blog post then, I am an mechanical dumdum!

So now, from the top...

I woke up this morning and groggily stumbled to the bathroom where I dispensed two or was it three (it should have been three) of my all time favorite candies... Advil liquid gels and washed them down with some rather toothpastie tasting water... then when my eyes finally opened I looked in the mirror and declared, "NOT IT!"... A big fat lie of course, because, yes, I most certainly was IT!!!!

It was my shift to work at Ree's school today, and well, that my friends is never very pretty...

It is actually quite ugly, a miserable ugly mess, is what that is...

Escpecially these days... Escpecially today!

Funny thing is, I really like all of the kids, you know, for the most part... They are not the problem at all... Guess who is? If you guessed my Sweet-Little-Angel-Monkey-Butt... You have been keeping up!

So you know the horror I have been laying down, as of late, about this "phase" of his?, Well lets just times that by... I donno???.... Ummmm... ONE MILLION!?!?!?! And here it is not just me he is raging against, here he has 14 other (little) kids to rage on!

When it is just me, it is like, "We'll work it out--I know we will" (this is what I tell my self- a sort of mantra I repeat over and over again)!!! But when it is with everyone else... I feel like, "Here we go, I hope to God we make it through this F#&king day".

I feel virtually useless when we are creating as much work as we are doing. Trying to take care of 15 kids all engaged in some sort of ruckus at any given time... Consoling hurt feeling or hurt knees , and trying to avoid the jealousies that arise from me comforting anyone but Ree... Then whack! Ree is on the attack... Plus,crying himself! My arms falling off from carrying two crying kids and a my head is throbbing from using it as a barricade to stop them from fighting over what they think is their territory, ME! So all that... AND I feel like we have a million eyes on us all saying, "What a meanie! Why is her kid such a meanie? Where does all that aggression come from? She can't even manage her own kid!... I HATE THOSE TWO!".

Really these are all the feelings I am probably having myself... but I project them on to the other parents and let them share in the fun!

Anyway, He is now fast asleep (THANK GAWD), looking literally like a little angel-- his precious little chest softly rising and falling... I do (somehow) LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

And here I am trying to get it all out before he wakes up... and it all start over again...

The up side is that after a day working at his pre- school, everything seems pretty calm around here, in comparison. And I am able to appreciate the "peace"... I can actually call it that, after four hours of being right there in it," the sh*t", as they might say back in Nam.

I took the time to get a picture of all of my little messes and up load them, then export them... And now the dang thing won't load! That is frustrating!
I guess the cyber-universe doesn't want me to further embarrass myself... Well, damn it I am determined and that is why I will try again (and succeed) later... But now I have to go straighten up this sty.

A sink full of dishes, and another pile to put away, a bed to make, a giant un-un-packed suitcase to disperse, one million things to pick up, a car full of laundry, a ballot to drop off, appointments to make, bills to pay and a head full of projects I WISH I COULD EXTINGUISH!

It feels like every chore is a bar on my creativity cage... I have the keys and clearance to unlock this cage of responsibility, it would just require me doing them all, and well, I would rather sit here and sulk-type about it... Or better yet, skip the chores altogether and just start making more messes... pretty colorful fabric clippings and paint smeared glitter messes!... Anything but dishes, laundry, and more f@#king toys to pick up!

And Please don't even let me go into how dropping by my favorite blogs spots and websites (while procrastinating) could probably force out those tears that I have been successfully forcing back all morning... Out of creative inspiration and lust (that will only get locked up with the rest of the magic)... Or out of sheer frustration and jealousy about all of the domestic flow, charisma and acceptance that some of these ladies seem to embody. It is enough to just make me want to lump up and cry!... After all, I would prefer that to the cleaning.

I am having a bit of a fit here... Maybe Ree is rubbing off on me... 'cause he sure has been rubbing me raw lately! He is super full of it these days... HE IS TRY--ING, sooo trying... I want to ask him "WHO ARE YOU?" like every five minutes! Because he has been acting like a complete freak show! He has no patience or tolerance for aaanything... and guess who has to up her own P & T when he has none?... Yep that is right, ME! Let me tell ya folks, this A-hole does NOT make it easy!

At least the weather has been nice, so we have been able to get out and run the beast... He just might eat me alive (or vice versa) if we had to be cooped up inside together any longer.

I know he is just a baby, and he is seems to be doing some hyper processing right now, but for the love of sanity, lets just rein it in a bit, how 'bout? I mean sheesh, he like a little testosterone factory! Crazy, I tell ya!!! And estrogen is the hormone with the bad wrap??? Ha!

I still LOVE him (always-always) and I am pretty sure I still like him?... Yeah, I do. But honestly, sometimes I can hardly stand him.

Well now that I have thrown my little fit in a public-ish sort of place, I am ready for an ice cream cone... What no one around to bribe me with ice cream, well then I guess I'll just have to get to my chores and dangle the promise of a piping hot Americano at the end of it all.

I actually feel much better now and am ready for responsibility day all over again.

I can't believe it... I picked it up and had a fishy feeling as I put it into my pocket to go capture those big beautiful wooden flowers on film... Well, digi. I had this sinking feeling the whole way over to the spot, and what do you know? It was true!

I always have that feeling--quite often when I am super excited about something (as I was with this- I was so excited to show you all the work I had done!)

I get this sinking-somethings-gonna-happen feeling when I get a new CD or a new pair of shoes... Like I am gonna get hit by a train before I ever even get to put those new dogs on my feet... I just know it!-- So that is the feeling, and it always goes right away when I push play or slip into my new kicks...

This time I push power on my camera and well, the stupid thing turns on but keeps zooming in and out, trying to focus but the thing just won't stop moving... It's like a Riddlin kid with a wad of Big League Chew (bubble gum) and a cap gun-- It just will not focus!

I tried everything people! It is toast!

So, until I gets me anotha'- it will be visually disappointing 'round these parts...

After 40 hours... That is no exaggeration, and you know how I love to exaggerate... but this is real folks, So yes, after 40 hours of cutting out, painting and mounting eighteen 24"x24" flowers and an entire rocket-ship scene I am finally done! I have got that project in the bag... or rather, shall I say, on the fence!

It was really fun and it looks super cool... I think the only reason I took any notice of the time I spent on them is because I had three shows worth of paintings I had to get done and was not working on any of them. But I usually work well under pressure so I thought the heck with all of that, LETS DO THIS! The fun stuff!

It is all fun, I love my job, and I loved this one (of helping out my son's school) even a little bit more!

It was the perfect weather last weekend to get the last of it done, the actual painting--my favorite part.

As I sat there on a drop cloth in the sun, painting those giant wooden flowers in every color of the rainbow, I noticed I was living my exact childhood fantasy, of what being a mom was gonna be like.

I had always imagined painting for the school along with other vivid imaginings like building crazy cool forts with spiral stair cases and a real working telephone. Sewing super hero capes and buttons back on when they'd come off... And so on and so on... Too many dreamies to ramble on about at this particular time... As always, I have a sink full of dishes to do, yet, for some reason this part of the job never entered into the dreams of being a mother, not once?

Anyway it was really super special, the feelings, the perfect blissful absolute right feelings that came along with the painting of those little flowers... I sure do love this momming business... I sure do love that boy!

Around here lately... And I don't think I am going to touch down anytime soon.

You may find that at the end of each month... That I am scarce if present at all. The case is usually that I am hulled up in my glorious studio spinning out artwork like indian burns... Shoving every bit of time I can find into concentrated chunks, then forcing out masterpieces in multiples. That is the way I seem to work it out these days, with just a slight bit of pain.

As the story goes, much like the last, I have a number of shows to produce paintings for and the deadlines are, well, near, very near! Like... I have one show up (done), one half hung (with the rest of the paintings perched on my fingertips), and I was miraculously gifted a weeks push back for another hanging, as well as the opening reception (sheesh, still more time left there).

Sorry I have been missing,
I am smack dab in the middle, you see, of an all out art cram!

On the family fun side of art obligation... I have been working on a project for little Ree Bee's school. I am making Flowers... And a rocket scene for the chain link fence that encloses the playground area. I was supposed to start it last weekend, during their annual spring work party, but... I was called, last minute, to do a Nike commercial, for the 2008 olympics, and well... I could hardly pass it up, those gigs kinda make a days worth of work seem like a weeks worth of pay-- for those of you who don't know, that was my old life, I use to do hair... BUT NOT ANYMORE! I am an ARTIST NOW, STRICTLY... Unless you are Nike... Or anyone else who wants to pay $800 for a days work... No really I WILL do your hair ALL DAY LONG for $800... No takers??? O.K. then, I guess I am an Artist, so I will, instead, do a weeks worth of flower painting for free- and love every minute of it!

I will be back soon when this little duster of deadlines drops me off anywhere near my computer.