Tips about Dating Fat Women

Fat dating is not easy for fat people, especially for fat women who are eager to look for their ideal boyfriend or husband. Dating as a fat woman brings with it a lifetime's worth of misconceptions and jealousies. Add a few extra layers of fat to that experience, and things can get depressing real fast. As non-single and fat women, they can't tell you how often they have been questioned about their confidence, self-worth, who they are, and why they're into what they're into. For anyone who's going to date a fat woman at some point in their life, here are some tips for not ruining your chances to date fat women.

Don't fetishize them

If literally the only reason you are interested in them is because they are fat, you might want to take a step back and get to know a bit about them first. They don't mind if you tend to date fat girls, or really even if you get some specific pleasure from being with a fat woman -- but they don't need that to be the first thing you tell them about yourself.

Don't tell them they are not fat!

This comes from guys who don't necessarily have a problem with their weight -- they just have a problem with fat people. If you say that they are not fat, even so beautiful, smart, sexy, whatever for a fat girl, they think you hate fatness. Fat people know they are fat and there is no denying that fact. When you tell them they are not, what you are really saying is that despite their body size.

Don't make assumptions about their ex- (or current!) partners

Dudes tend to assume that fat women haven't dated a lot in their life -- or the opposite, that they’re always up for casual sex because they’re desperate for attention. They often come into a relationship believing that my past partners have been abusive or unfaithful, or that their current partner isn't interested in sex and that's why they're poly. Basically, that he's arrived to save them from their terrible, sad, fat life.

Take them out

Fat women got over guys who wanted to sleep with them but weren't willing to be seen in public with them a long time ago. They love Netflix and whatever as much as the next girl, sure -- but they also love art galleries and movie theaters and poetry readings! And yes, they even enjoy going out for a good meal if you can manage not to make a big deal out of it.

Be aware of their (dis)comfort

And don't invalidate their experiences as a fat woman. There are some places, some days, when they just don't want to interact with certain people or try to make my body fit into the world. Transit -- from buses and taxis all the way to airplanes -- can lead to downright hostile environments. They're not likely to fit on most of the rides at the amusement park and the thought of eating a meal sitting in a rickety plastic chair puts me on high alert.

If they try to talk to you about fat phobia, about discrimination, about the challenges they face as a fat woman in the world, please don't try to comfort them by telling them people don't mean it, that maybe they're misreading the situation, the world isn't out to get them. Whether or not fat hatred is malicious, it's still harmful. Check your own issues with fatness before telling me to check mine.

Please don't try to lift them (but seriously, don't)

They don't know what the motivation is for guys who try to get them on their shoulders at concerts or attempt to lift them gently into bed. Are you trying to prove to them that they're "not that heavy"? Or are you trying to prove to yourself how much of a manly man you are? Either way, it's annoying and uncomfortable.

This doesn't mean they can't try new and interesting positions during sex. But it does mean they expect you to avoid throwing their body around in the bedroom without their explicit permission. These sorts of acrobatics are best attempted without the element of surprise.

Speaking of consent…

They have had people tell them quite plainly that they just know they're more willing to acquiesce to the sexual demands of a man because they're fat; and obviously fat girls will do anything, because it's so hard for us to garner male attention.

Look, they're comfortable with their body. They enjoy sex and love meeting new people, and they think there is an incredible power in making intimate connections. They also enjoy boundaries and people who know what affirmative consent looks like. If there's an attraction between them, you'll know it, and whatever desires that sparks, let's talk about them. Don't just assume I'm all in because they're sex-positive, fat, and sometimes femme.

Fat women aren't a monolith -- they're women. Human as well. We lead complex, often rich lives. The best way to treat a fat woman? Like the individual she is.