John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

When someone important to us dies, that is one of the biggest, most painful changes we ever experience. (Published 9/25/2012)

Q:

I lost my Grandfather this February. I’m grieving really bad. My Grandfather and I were very close. I don’t know what to do now that he is gone. Will life ever be the normal again? He died from cancer. I was at the hospital with him everyday. I missed school a lot, but I didn’t care. My grandpa was more important. How do I deal with this pain?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

It's incredibly sweet to read that your grandpa was more important to you than school.

Based on that and other things you wrote, it’s obvious that your relationship with him was [and is] massively important for you—and that your heart is broken in a million pieces.

Yes, life can get to be normal again, though it will never be the same. The truth is that our lives are always changing, but when someone important to us dies, that is one of the biggest, most painful changes we ever experience.

What helps life get back to normal, in addition to going through the pain and confusion you feel since he died, is to take some actions to help you complete what your grandpa’s death has left emotionally unfinished for you. The actions are in our book, The Grief Recovery Handbook – which is available in most libraries and book stores.

Our guess is that you are young and that possibly your grandpa was relatively young also. With that in mind, we’d imagine that you had many hopes, dreams, and expectations about your future and sharing parts of with it your grandfather. His death has robbed those hopes. The actions in the book will help you deal with those things too.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

John and Russell, Anonymous from MN has submitted a question to the Tributes.com Grief Recovery Institute Guidance Center at 23:06 EST on 05-05-2011. Anonymous can be reached at arianna.azure@yahoo.com. The question reads: