Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Aug. 20, 2000, as
selected by Y? Thesepostings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s new database using the search form,
or, in the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in
the Original Archives (all
questions from the Original Archives have been entered into
the new database as well). In the Original Archives and the new
database, you will find questions that have received answers, as well
as questions still awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer
any questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to
ask any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.

First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.

Question:
I live in Caracas, Venezuela. Today I saw the cover of Time and
Newsweek when I went to get the paper. I noticed there is a big issue
on Gore running mate Joseph Leiberman's religion. I know this is
normal in American society because Leiberman's religion is
'minority,' but aren't other aspects of his personality or
credentials more important? It's not like he's a terrorist,
extravagant transvestite or heroin addict. It's a religion, not a
mental handicap (or is it?). Why all the fuss because the guy is
Jewish?
POSTED 8/24/2000
Nelson A., Caracas, NA, Venezuela, 31, Male, Catholic,
race=White/Caucasian, ethnicity=Hispanic/Latino, lawyer/business,
Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 822200093230To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
Why do some people use the phrase 'people of color'? I find it
extremely offensive, and that's coming from someone who is very
rarely offended by anything. The prase says to me, and probably to a
great number of others, that 'white people' do not have culture, do
not have personality, or even are not good enough, so to speak; as if
'white people' are left out, and all other races are just grouped
into one category like they have everything in common. My skin is
light, and, in fact, it lighter than most 'white' people's. It has
color to it - it's a light, peachy hue. If I were 'white,' I think I
would either have a serious health problem or would be dead.
Blood-wise, I am not all 'white,' and frankly, people with light skin
from a certain area or of a certain ethnicity are as different as
night and day. Can't people use more serious/understandable phrases
like 'people with darker skin' or 'people from [whatever] country' or
'people of [whatever] nationalities' or 'people from [whatever] part
of the world'?
POSTED 8/24/2000
Lisa, Raytown, MO, United States, <kaeori@lymax.com>, Female,
Atheist, Straight, college student, Mesg ID 8232000120732To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
I am a European woman living in New York. Why is it that Caribbean
blacks are, on first contact, friendly and open with me, while
American blacks are often distrustful?
POSTED 8/24/2000
J.G., Staten Island, NY, United States, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, writer, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
8242000123822To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
What images do people of various backgrounds have of Finland? What do
they know about my country?
POSTED 8/24/2000
Leila K., Rauma, n/a, Finland, 18, Female, Lutheran, White/Caucasian,
Straight, student, High School Diploma, Middle class, Mesg ID
824200040513To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
Though it may be debated in some circles, I think it's safe to say
that forms of sexuality and sexual practice like heterosexuality,
bisexuality, homosexuality and genital, anal and oral sex are pretty
much conventional and engaged in by all races. However, why is it
that the most disgusting, crazed and depraved forms of sexuality
(things like incest, being beaten until bruised or scarred,
bestiality, being fisted, drinking urine, being defecated upon,
necrophilia, etc.) are almost always the province of whites? What's
that about?
POSTED 7/15/2000
T. Davis, Las Vegas, NV, United States, 25, Male, Agnostic,
Black/African American, Straight, Supervisor, 4 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 715200071735

Responses:Depravity and 'unacceptable behavior' seem to go hand-in-hand
with civilization. Civilization breeds boredom. And for the moment,
Western civilization seems to be run by white men. I believe many
people wish to experience sensations that are unacceptable inside
their society. The limits of what is acceptable are set by the common
experience of that society. Where I live, snowboarding or mountain
climbing are perverse and unacceptable. On the other hand, drugs and
misogynistic sexual behavior are a way of life. I believe sooner or
later that we will find out that people of many cultures are
performing the same selfish acts that many white men are known to do
(via various media, which is limited in many arenas). I think it all
comes down to access to information. Like any other drug, sexual
stimulation can have expanding tolerance levels, and people are eager
to find out how far they can go before something kills or injures
them.
POSTED 8/21/2000
Ulysses N., Detroit, MI, United States,
<unewkirk2@hotmail.com>, Male, Multicultural, Artist, Technical
School, Mesg ID 72500123934

I am white, and as a married woman I enjoy frequent sex with my
husband. Ordinary intercourse and oral sex are the only practices in
which we indulge. I occasionally masturbate with my hand when I have
trouble falling asleep. So, although I'm white, you can say that I do
not have any interest in the sexual practices you mention. My point
is that I don't think that the phenomenon you mention is a racial
one.
POSTED 8/24/2000
Caryn, Corvallis, OR, United States, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Mesg ID 8222000112311To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
I was wondering if any night-shift workers use melatonin supplements
to help them sleep during the day. If so, do they work, and what are
the side effects, if any, that you recognize?
POSTED 8/22/2000
Slyosa, San Jose, CA, United States, 21, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, student, 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 821200024404To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
My girlfriend is overweight. I love her and care a lot about her, and
I try not to talk about this in front of her because it is a very
sensitive thing for both of us, and I do not want it to be an
obstacle for us. For those people who have an overweight partner, how
do you deal with this subject, and what are some things you do to
make things work out?
POSTED 8/21/2000
Oscar, Washington, DC, United States, 31, Male, Catholic,
Hispanic/Latino, Straight, waiter, High School Diploma , Middle
class, Mesg ID 8202000101659

Responses:I think it's wonderful that you want to be sensitive about your
girlfriend's extra pounds. As someone who is overweight married to
someone who is not, I can give you a bit of advice. Compliment her,
including about her body, but never insincerely. Do not make comments
on what she eats or how much. Do not suggest that she lose weight,
but if she truly wants to do it for herself, be as supportive as
possible. Do not insist on knowing exactly how much she weighs or
what size clothes she wears. Whatever you do, do not make her weight
a big issue. Just be natural. You said that you don't want to talk
about it with her, but if you do decide that you want to be more
intimate and open about everything, I would suggest you start by
telling her about some sensitive issue of your own: your stuttering
problem as a teenager, your shyness, the abuse you suffered as a
child, how you feel about being a minority, something like that.
Maybe then she would feel more free to talk about her own
struggles.
POSTED 8/24/2000
C.P., Montreal, Quebec, NA, Canada, 22, Female, Mesg ID
8222000123123To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
I remember seeing a Sikh with a turban. He was in some of my classes
in college, and I noticed every so often that he would be wearing a
different color turban. Does the color have any kind of significance
(religious holiday or time of year, etc.), or is it just what he felt
like wearing that day?
POSTED 8/21/2000
J., Snow, NA, Canada, 32, Male, Native American, Native
American/American Indian, Straight, librarian, 4 Years of College ,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 8182000115224To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
We have a business in which we give estimates. Why does it seem that
natives of India who are professionals want to bargain about the
price we give, sometimes even after the work is completed?
POSTED 8/21/2000
J.L. Burns, Tuscaloosa, AL, United States, 43, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, administrative assistant, 2 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 818200053605

Responses:I don't think that it's just an Indian thing. I've been to a lot
of places where bargaining over the price of some things is expected.
That's the way it is here in Israel. It's just that in the United
States it's not done that way and you have no experience dealing with
it. The foreigners you deal with instinctively feel that the price
you quote is an outrageously overpriced opening bid and expect it to
come down.
POSTED 8/22/2000
Jesse N., Herzliya, NA, Israel, 41, Male, Engineer, 4 Years of
College, Mesg ID 822200015822

From what I understand from Indian friends, bargaining is part of
the culture in India. It's just part of what happens. In the United
States, many people see bargaining as low class or tacky and a sign
that you cannot afford the services or products you wish to purchase.
But in many other cultures, bargaining is the way things are done. In
fact, if someone takes the first price a vendor quotes, that person
is seen as a sucker.
POSTED 8/24/2000
Lucy H., San Jose, CA, United States, 25, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 821200033619To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
I just finished reading The Bell Curve, which states that of
all the races, blacks have the lowest IQ. I know you can attribute
this to supposed cultural biases, but why is it that blacks achieve
such low scores on any tests they take?
POSTED 8/21/2000
Rufus M., Salterville, TN, United States, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Construction Manager, 4 Years of College,
Mesg ID 819200060552

Responses:I am skeptical that black people achieve low scores on ANY test
they take, and I am highly suspicious - as any critical thinker
should be -of the motives of the author of The Bell Curve.
Secondly, I believe socioeconomics play an important - if not the
most important -part in determining test performance. Poverty affects
health, mental and emotional development, access to quality
education, exposure to bad influences and a host of other factors
that may result in low test performance. Unfortunately, a
disproportionate number of people of color live on or below the
poverty line. Studies corrected for socioeconomic status have
disproven the notion that black people are inherently inferior
mentally, and I don't believe that book of yours mentions these
studies, sadly.
POSTED 8/22/2000
T.R., Newark, NJ, United States, Female, Black/African American, Ph.D
student, Mesg ID 821200072450

I can't remember offhand who wrote The Bell Curve, but I do
remember my physical anthropology professor telling my class that it
was written by a renowned eugenicist. She recommended we read it for
a laugh. It is not to be trusted.
POSTED 8/22/2000
S.R., Austin, TX, United States, 22, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, barista, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
821200042113

Since you are researching the topic, might I suggest reading
Stephan Jay Gould's book The Mismeasure of Man. It is very
scientific and blows holes in any discussion of race and
intelligence.
POSTED 8/22/2000
Steve, Houston, TX, United States, 43, Male, White/Caucasian,
Corporate Cubicle Guy, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 821200034850

Isn't it funny you would ask this - I just read an article about
this topic in the current (sports) issue of The New Yorker.
Malcolm Gladwell, who is a fabulous thinker/essayist, wrote about why
people sometimes 'choke' when the stakes are really high - in sports,
academic life, whatever. He noted that when black kids are told
they're being given a test to measure their IQ, they choke. When
they're told the test is for statistical or research purposes only,
they do exactly as well as non-blacks. He attributes this to
self-fulfilling cultural expectations - the idea that stereotypes
suggest they won't do well, so they don't. It wasn't clear in the
article if this is because the kids unconsciously believe the
stereotypes themselves, or just because they're so aware of them that
they get really nervous. Interesting, though - it certainly supports
the idea that their poor performance is not due to any kind of innate
difference.
POSTED 8/22/2000
Sue, Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, 33, Female, White/Caucasian, 4
Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 821200025003

When people do these supposedly scientific studies, I wonder if
they really take all factors into consideration. If you'd like to
look, overall, at all IQ scores, I would assume blacks would do
poorer than whites. But I don't believe the reasons are racial or
genetic. There is a large percentage of poverty in black families.
Single mothers are out working trying to feed their children and
often don't have the time or resources to sit and read books and
teach ABCs. I wonder if two middle-class children of similar family
structure, one white, one black, took IQ tests, if there would be any
difference. I bet if you looked at all the scores from poor,
working-class families as a whole, they would have lower scores - not
because of race, but because of the lack of time parents can spend
teaching their children, going over homework with them, etc.
POSTED 8/24/2000
Danielle, Forked River, NJ, United States, 25, Female,
White/Caucasian, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
822200094131

The best reason to ignore the conclusions in The Bell Curve is the
data it contains. It shows that, while the scores obtained differed
by race, the range of scores for each race far exceeded the
difference between them. In other words, many very bright blacks were
measured as much more intelligent than many whites. This suggests -
and there is more evidence for this emerging - that IQ measures are
culture-bound. White Americans created the tests in their culture;
inevitably they score better.
POSTED 8/24/2000
Paul, Brisbane, NA, Australia, 56, Male, Wiccan, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Academic, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
823200044751To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
What are Amish beliefs? Why do the Amish not use modern conveniences,
such as automobiles or electricity? What does an Amish day consist
of? Also, I'd like to know about their building talents, from
furniture to barns.
POSTED 8/21/2000
Linda E, Flint, MI, United States, 53, Female, White/Caucasian,
Technical School, Mesg ID 819200073511

Responses:I grew up surrounded by Amish communities in Geauga, Ohio.
Contrary to myth, the Amish do not reject all modern advancements and
are not 'stuck in time.' Central to their religion is simplicity and
humility. Their society does change, but much more slowly and
deliberately than ours. For example, most Amish clothing uses hooks
rather than buttons or zippers, simply because they work fine and
everyone in the community can have them. The Amish will make
concessions to modern equipment; they just don't bring it into their
homes. They will travel in buses and cars but won't drive. When I was
in high school, I often was hired by the Amish, who produced maple
syrup in the spring. The entire elaborate operation was manual, using
human and horsepower except for one gasoline-driven pump that moved
the sap to the roof of the sugar bush. As a non-Amish, they could
hire me to run the pump for them. This was a great improvement in
safety, whereas before heavy sap containers had to be hand-lifted, in
cold winter weather, to the roof, and many an accident happened when
someone slipped. Consequently there had been lengthy community debate
before acquiring the pump. They paid me in one gallon cans of maple
syrup.
POSTED 8/22/2000
Steve, Houston, TX, United States, 43, Male, White/Caucasian,
Corporate Cubicle Kind of Guy, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 821200043306To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
I live in a small, white and working-class town. I work in a grocery
store and often notice people's hands. I have noticed that a lot of
people have homemade 'jailhouse' tattoos of a small cross in the web
of the hand between the thumb and index finger. Does it mean
something? Is it a regional thing?
POSTED 8/21/2000
Iris, Wahoo, NE, United States, 32, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, clerk, High School Diploma , Lower middle
class, Mesg ID 8202000113755

Responses:Where I come from those tattoos are called 'placas' and are
generally a sign of affiliation with a person's barrio or
neighborhood. Getting a placa can be part of a comming-of-age ritual,
or part of being accepted into the gang. But just having a placa does
not necessarily mean the person is a gang member. Many people get
involved in gangs as kids and then get out later on.
POSTED 8/21/2000
Lucy H., San Jose, CA, United States, Female, Hispanic/Latino, Mesg
ID 8212000113712To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
My boyfriend is in his mid-thirties and does not like for me to look
at his penis. After we have sex, he covers his penis up. When he
showers or needs to get dressed, he will change in another room. He
even gets offended if I sneak a peek at it. He said he does this
because he is shy. We've been together a little more than a year and
he still doesn't feel comfortable being naked in front of me. Is this
normal, especially for a man in his mid-thirties? I don't think it
is, and wonder if perhaps he was abused as a child or something. I've
always thought that men were proud of their tools. It seems like he's
ashamed of it or something. I don't think he's ashamed of the size,
either.
POSTED 8/17/2000
J.W., Newark, NJ, United States, 25, Female, Methodist, Black/African
American, Straight, Customer Support Administrator, Over 4 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 815200044428

Responses:As a man in my thirties, I can relate to the same problem of
being self-conscious of my genitals. Maybe your boyfriend got sized
up one day in gym class and hasn't been the same since. I speak for
all men when I say we are never happy with our genitals. Even if a
man has a rather large penis, he may complain about the shape, color
or even the way it dangles. I was the same way with my girlfriend
(now my wife), and she couldn't understand it, either. My suggestion
is just to give him time. Simply don't bring up the subject and
eventually he'll realize that if it doesn't matter to you, it
shouldn't matter to him. Eventually, he'll come around.
POSTED 8/21/2000
Murray C., Halifax, Nova Scotia, NA, Canada, 32, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Draftsman, Technical School , Middle
class, Mesg ID 818200072924To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
All my life I have been searching (more or less actively) for what I
believe in and a form of religion that felt right to me. My family is
Catholic, but I always had great doubts about many of the Church's
teachings and practices. My mom has been fairly open-minded, but for
my father, openly questioning my faith was never an option. His
parents are also very strict Catholics, more active in practice than
my father, so I have never raised any questions with them because I
fear it would break their hearts. Over the past few months, I have
been attending a Quaker meeting, and for the first time I feel really
comfortable in a religious setting and very much in concordance with
their beliefs and practices. I believe I have found my niche. I have
told my mom and she is happy for me and has offered to speak with my
father about it for me. I am scared about telling my father; the
other night I dreamed he found out that I had chosen another religion
and was enraged and upset. Does anyone have suggestions on how to
tell my father and grandparents, or has anyone faced similar
circumstances before with their family?
POSTED 8/17/2000
Shelly, Pittsburgh, PA, United States, 25, Female, Quaker,
White/Caucasian, research, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 8162000101125

Responses:Tell him that you love him and that you will always love him.
Tell him that you have been searching and have found meaning in your
new church home. Tell him you are happy. Don't try to convert anybody
or put your beliefs up as more correct than theirs. Respect the
beliefs of your parents as valid and don't distance yourself from
them. After that, it is their choice whether to respect and love you.
You have to be true to yourself. Pray for wisdom. I have lived a
similar situation, and as I view it, the tree has many branches. The
meaning of religion is 'binding together.' Any religion or expression
of religion that has the opposite effect is questionable in my
mind.
POSTED 8/21/2000
Jeff, San Antonio, TX, United States, 46, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, HR Professional, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
818200083645

I believe in a religion different from my parents. I know that if
they knew, they would be heartbroken and angry. I have chosen not to
tell them because A) It would drive a deep wedge in a currently
excellent relationship B) I don't feel that my spiritual beliefs are
any of their business, and C) I don't attend religious services of
any kind, so my beliefs are truly privately held, so I don't feel a
need to tell people who don't understand them. Sometimes I feel that
I may be a coward and a hypocrite about this matter, but I know that
my silence is preventing a lot of harm. I'm not saying that I
recommend my choice, just that I wanted to share this with you. Good
luck to you. I don't think your wish to tell your father is wrong,
just that you should be prepared for fallout if you tell him.
POSTED 8/21/2000
Caren, Corvallis, OR, United States, Female, Mesg ID 817200071241To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
I was watching Big Brother on TV with a friend. I said I
thought Eddie was really great. My friend said, 'How can you look at
a man with one leg gone?' It doesn't matter to me - he's strong,
funny, open and handsome. Why would girls not want to go out with
Eddie?
POSTED 8/11/2000
Jayne, New York, NY, United States, 24, Female, Catholic, Asian,
Straight, media planner, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
7142000100446

Responses:Unfortunately, people still have prejudice toward people with
handicaps. I watch that show all the time, and I have to admit that
Eddie is pretty strong. I bet if Eddie were a millionaire, your
friend would have a different opinion of him!
POSTED 8/21/2000
Cherita, San Francisco, CA, United States, 20, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, College Student, Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 817200011254To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
Which restroom do transsexuals use? I mean, a man who tries to be a
woman? Please excuse my ignorance, but I am trying to open myself to
the world. Also, does transsexualism have anything to do with
homosexuality?
POSTED 8/10/00
Robert, Phoenix, AZ, United States, Male, Christian, White/Caucasian,
Gay, Less than High School Diploma , Middle class, Mesg ID
890085908

Responses:As a single Christian woman, I attempt to live as chaste a life
as I can. This means that until marriage, I will remain celibate.
This is not just a random decision ... it is a way of life. I object
strenuously to men being in the same bathroom with me. Is the need of
a sexually confused person to be 'reassured' more important than my
right to privacy?
POSTED 8/13/2000
Amanda K., Jacksonville, FL, United States,
<POSITIVEVIBES@iwon.com>, 44, Female, Christian, Black/African
American, Straight, Self-Employed, 2 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 811200014511

To Amanda: As to your 'right of privacy,' do you let women sit in
the stall with you, but not men, and feel private? Do you use only
those public restrooms that are single-occupancy? Have you ever
discovered a transgendered person using the restroom with you?
POSTED 8/21/2000
Greg, Sacramento, CA, United States, 37, Male, Taoist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, counseling, 2 Years of College , Lower
middle class, Mesg ID 8192000112422

First, I find Amanda's sermonizing response to be judgmental and
offensive. I don't understand how your choice to remain celibate
until marriage has anything to do with the original question of what
restroom transsexuals use, or the similarity of transsexuality and
homosexuality. Second, to respond to the original question,
transsexuals use the restroom of the gender they choose to live as.
Male-to-female transsexuals use the ladies room. Female-to-male
transsexuals use the mens room. As to your second question,
transsexuality and homosexuality are two different things.
Transsexuals live as a different gender than what they were born as.
Homosexuals are sexually attracted to people of their same
gender.
POSTED 8/21/2000
Darren H, Los Angeles, CA, United States, 38, Male, Recovering
Mormon, White/Caucasian, Gay, Over 4 Years of College,Mesg ID
815200072421

Pre-op transsexuals are expected to live the life of the sex to
which they wish to be reassigned, including using the appropriate
restrooms if necessary. Transsexuals identify themselves as members
of the sex opposite from the one they are born as and can be either
homo- or heterosexual. Homosexuals choose partners of the same sex.
That does not mean they identify as members of the opposite sex. As
we learn more about the human body, genetics and the chemistry that
makes us up, we will gain insight into what makes us one sex or the
other (besides the obvious genetilia) and how all the variations in
between happen. Meanwhile, consider this: evidence suggests these
things are not conscious choices. We are born with chemical switches
that determine our sexual identities and orientations.
POSTED 8/21/2000
N.J. Smith, Akron, OH, United States, <ranebow@iname.com>, 45,
Female, Agnostic, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, 2 Years of College ,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 819200094931To
respondBACK TO TOP