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He's still their father!

Posted by Anonymous

10 Replies

2 moms liked this

My ex and I were childhood friends, high school sweethearts, and got married young. We had three kids, and the only times we had sex was to have kids. I kind of guessed what the problem was, but I loved him, still do, and was ok with it. Yup, he's gay. He finally told me, and we divorced. We're still best friends, we parent our kids together, and I love his husband. He co parents with us and is just an extra, wonderful parent for our kids. I've since remarried as well, and my husband accepts the situation. The problem? My ex's mother. She hasn't spoken a word to her son since he came out, and wants me to keep him from seeing the kids. The only thing that did was ensure she won't see our kids. My ex refuses to have any contact with her, won't answer the phone, and tosses her letters, so she's started calling me. I told her she's SOL, and not allowed around our kids.

Well that's silly. I don't understand why anyone would kick out a responsible adult for their beliefs- even shitty beliefs. Do you think your children will never be exposed to people who are assholes to gay people? I would not kick my MIL out of my children's lives, but we could definitely talk to the kids about why we are supportive of gay people, why some people are not, and why it's important to be kind and loving to all people....even if they have crazy beliefs. In fact, her actions (kicking out her son and trying to alienate him from the kids) are an excellent way to take the high road with your kids. The kids can see and discuss how your MIL is hurting people with her beliefs and how she's hurting herself with it in the long run, as she now has a terrible relationship with her son and will eventually creep out her grandchildren as well. BUT, even though gma is crazy and hateful, we show love and respect to her because WE think that family is important.

The way you're going about it now (pushing her out because of her crazy and shitty beliefs) isn't much different than her pushing her son out because she thinks HIS beliefs are crazy and shitty.

by Anonymous 2
on Jan. 20, 2015 at 1:38 PM

I don't blame you. When she can come to terms with her son and his way of life then he can let her see the kids.

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
on Jan. 20, 2015 at 1:38 PM

Her beliefs are on thing. Her acting like their father and his husband are bad, dirty people, shouldn't be around the kids, and bad mouthing them to the kids, that's something completely different. The kids are well aware of some people holding such ridiculous beliefs.

Quoting NonaScheib38:

Well that's silly. I don't understand why anyone would kick out a responsible adult for their beliefs- even shitty beliefs. Do you think your children will never be exposed to people who are assholes to gay people? I would not kick my MIL out of my children's lives, but we could definitely talk to the kids about why we are supportive of gay people, why some people are not, and why it's important to be kind and loving to all people....even if they have crazy beliefs. In fact, her actions (kicking out her son and trying to alienate him from the kids) are an excellent way to take the high road with your kids. The kids can see and discuss how your MIL is hurting people with her beliefs and how she's hurting herself with it in the long run, as she now has a terrible relationship with her son and will eventually creep out her grandchildren as well. BUT, even though gma is crazy and hateful, we show love and respect to her because WE think that family is important.

The way you're going about it now (pushing her out because of her crazy and shitty beliefs) isn't much different than her pushing her son out because she thinks HIS beliefs are crazy and shitty.

Eh, that's the way some people are. I assumed that she was saying shit to the kids, because I imagine if she was just like "oh geez, I disagree with this, but I guess I'll keep it to myself" it wouldn't be a problem.

She shouldn't be bad mouthing her son to the kids, I get that, but who does it hurt really? The kids are simply going to be weird and uncomfortable about it, because he's their dad and they love him and clearly accept him- so when THEY decide it's too much to see their gma all her bullshit does is hurt herself. Are you afraid that she'll be able to turn the kids against their own dad? I can see why you're doing what you do, and I don't think it's necessarily the wrong way to go about it, but I'm not sure I would do the same thing in that situation.

And the beliefs she has, that gay people are terrible and dirty, are not really the problem here. Your kids might decide one day that they're homophobic. Maybe their dad having a husband DOES make them uncomfortable. Are you going to cut them out for having those beliefs? I doubt it. If the kids handle their feelings tactfully, chances are you won't even know they feel that way. It's the behavior that's the problem. I would let the kids see the learning opportunity of "Your gma behaves in a hateful manner, and now her whole family can't stand to be around her. She has alienated everyone for herself". Like I said, the way it is right now, it's essentially "We don't agree with what your gma is doing, so we're alienating her the same way she alienated your dad for not agreeing with his behavior."

Quoting Anonymous 1: Her beliefs are on thing. Her acting like their father and his husband are bad, dirty people, shouldn't be around the kids, and bad mouthing them to the kids, that's something completely different. The kids are well aware of some people holding such ridiculous beliefs.

Quoting NonaScheib38:

Well that's silly. I don't understand why anyone would kick out a responsible adult for their beliefs- even shitty beliefs. Do you think your children will never be exposed to people who are assholes to gay people? I would not kick my MIL out of my children's lives, but we could definitely talk to the kids about why we are supportive of gay people, why some people are not, and why it's important to be kind and loving to all people....even if they have crazy beliefs. In fact, her actions (kicking out her son and trying to alienate him from the kids) are an excellent way to take the high road with your kids. The kids can see and discuss how your MIL is hurting people with her beliefs and how she's hurting herself with it in the long run, as she now has a terrible relationship with her son and will eventually creep out her grandchildren as well. BUT, even though gma is crazy and hateful, we show love and respect to her because WE think that family is important.

The way you're going about it now (pushing her out because of her crazy and shitty beliefs) isn't much different than her pushing her son out because she thinks HIS beliefs are crazy and shitty.

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