Swing and a Miss

What a terrible day this is in Platte County. I thought you people had a sense of adventure.

Just over a year after its opening, the Shangri La of Sexy Time, the Bed and Breakfast of Boom Boom, the Romantic Getaway Today Inn in downtown Parkville has closed its doors, turned off its cameras and swung its sex swings for the last time.
Such a shame. I hope you’re happy with yourselves.

Not only did Parkvillians (heavy emphasis on the VILLAINS) not rush the doors of this Sin Temple, but some asked their government to change the laws to discourage this type of business from being successful. The local city council looked into passing a law potentially discouraging this type of business, according to Valerie Verkamp‘s article in last week’s Landmark.

If it were up to the Parkville City Council, you all would’ve never seen Elvis’s ‘68 Comeback Special. Madonna would’ve only been the name of the Mother of Jesus. And the Internet would’ve only been for getting pictures of cats on Facebook.

Where’s your sense of fun and excitement?

It is those of you who shut this place down that probably needed it the most. I’ll say it. You all need to get LAID. And here was the Romantic Getaway Today Inn just offering it up. Instead you focused your energies on passing laws allowing go-carts on city streets. Really. They don’t make Cialis commercials featuring go-carts. That’s all I’m saying.

Well, I wish the best for Janet Byers, the former owner of the B,B&B (that’s Bootie, Bed and Breakfast.) You’re welcome to come down here to Clay County. We’re dying for some excitement since they closed down Diamond Joe’s in an event that many of us red-blooded men around here still call “Black Friday.”

The good news is that most of the real estate down here in Clay County already has plush red velvet carpeting on the walls and mirrors on the ceiling. We know how to get down near downtown.

And for Parkville… Good luck, folks. You might want to stay away from the magazine rack at the local convenience stores. I heard Taylor Swift is wearing a knee-high skirt on the cover of Teen Beat. Oh, the humanity!!

Go ahead and keep thinking that KY is just an old radio station. And that “staying in the penthouse in Parkville” actually just means staying on the top floor of an old hotel. Let’s just hope Parkville never gets the Internet up on 45 Highway… the town elders will not be pleased.

Maybe the town could have tried a little harder to help a local business. Healthy businesses lead towards higher tax revenue, which leads toward more improvements which lead to better roads and sidewalks which lead to a better environment for your unsexy go-carts.

You broke the circle of life. I hope you’re happy. I’d give you a round of applause, but it seems that all I’m left with is the sound of one hand… um… clapping.

(Chris Kamler is active on Twitter, where he is known as @TheFakeNed. He hosts a baseball show on ESPN 1510 AM Wednesdays at 4 p.m. Reach him through his web site, ramblingmorons.com)