Friday, November 16, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 - I... I think I'm out of jokes!

I mean, I suppose it was inevitable that it would happen. With as many cracks as I've made about Twilight over the years, I was bound to run out eventually.

Oh, no, wait, I got one:

How many Kristen Stewarts does it take to change a light bulb? We'll never know because she sucks the light (and joy) out of any room she's in.

Let's see, is the weekend even worth talking about this go round? Obviously Twilight wins. Lincoln, will see a wide release, but should burn slow and quietly while sparkly vampires and assorted British agents parade on screen. Lincoln should win some pretty awards and be one of those films that's a must buy so it can sit on the shelf unwatched. But, Bella of the box office, he'll never be. Like my pun? It's a Twilight joke. I knew they were still out there, like a creature of the night. Bang, that's 3. Got my rhythm going now.

You'll notice I avoided Abraham Lincoln slaying vampires jokes. Holding those in reserve in case Lincoln somehow defies odds with everyone deciding history is more important than the lifestyles of the undead.

At this point vampires have really run their course. I keep waiting for everyone to get sick of zombies, but that hasn't happened yet. More movies on the horizon means World War Z which looks like crap, and Warm Bodies, which looks like awesome. Overall though, I'm ready for the undead to become redead for awhile. Course the only way that's going to happen is if another classic monster can take the spotlight. Let's look at some shall we?

Which 'monster' should become the new pop culture prom queen?

1) Werewolves - They had a good run in the 80's, and there's been decent efforts to try and make them a thing again, but they lack a huge key element; the humanity. You can show them dealing with what they are, but the second they change, there's nothing to identify with. Thus I don't see it taking down zombies.

2) Mummies - Human, true, but they've been dead a long time and don't really have anything left to them except moaning and slow chases. Brendan Fraser did his best to help bring them back, but bless his heart, he's Brendan Fraser, so that was never going to be enough. It did however make me love Rachel Weisz. At any rate there's also always going to be that argument that mummies are still essentially zombies.

3) Frankenstein's Monster - They do try with him from time to time don't they? Of course most attempts fail to properly give life to who the real monsters are in the story. He's also got things working against him. Firstly, he's only one monster, and even if he does take a bride, with billions of people on the planet, you're unlikely to ever have a run into either. Plus looking like Robert Pattinson will only get you so far.

4) Aliens - Always popular for sci-fi, but rarely do they actually touch a nerve that makes them feel relevant. They do however present options that have been attempted if not mishandled. Aliens can present in any form, thus you can have a more human facet with the taking over of the human race. Not knowing if you're talking to your mother or a creature from another planet that's taken her form, can touch a human nerve. Such things have been tried in various forms over the years, but ultimately haven't escaped camp. I just don't know if they ever shall.

5) Ghosts - Ghosts are about the closest you can get to touching the human side of things. However they have rules, which zombies don't really. Which doesn't mean the rules can't be rewritten, just that it puts them at a disadvantage. Vampires do too, but when rules get changed, sometimes unfortunate things like sparkling in the sun comes out of it. Zombies also have rules, but they're flexible. As long as they want to eat you, everything else is up for grabs. Ultimately what's going to break your heart more, seeing your friend as a zombie, or a ghost that in essence assures you there's something after death?

I suppose there is always the possibility that something new comes along, but it's hard to find a place in the canon of classic monsters. Most horror attempts only manage to crack into a sub genre. To knock zombies off their throne, you need something that's human, terrifying, and while implausible, ultimately still possible. Tall order. I just don't see any of the classics meeting that criteria.

But by all means, please, prove me wrong gila monster.

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7 comments:

Would love to see another go and Frankenstein. Mummies have no chance. Werewolves are great, but all those movies do is remind me how much worse they are than America Werewolf in London. Ghosts are always around, but unless they're being busted, never seem to take to the spotlight in a way only zombies and vampires can.

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