Golf Etiquette 101: What To Wear, What To Wear

Golf isn’t as much a game as it is a mindset and surviving in its elitist and haughty world is all about adapting to its rigid and often weird customs. Kind of like how you had to act at Grandma’s house. You know that room she had that no one was allowed to enter? The one with all the plastic over the furniture that no one could sit on? Yeah, if you managed to circumnavigate that social maze, you can do golf.

Golf etiquette has a long and storied history, dating back to the late middle ages when uptight, constipated English blokes stole the game from the great unwashed, Scottish country folk who had found the sport to be a great way to deal with the overabundance of sheep dung.

Since then golf has more or less been referred to as a gentleman’s game. Simply put, if you know (a) what a cardigan is and (b) what to do with it, you’re in. For the rest of you, stay away (and please buy a dictionary).This is the world you’re going to have to deal with if you plan on playing any course that doesn’t have cows wandering the fairway. You might not be one of the golfing elite but you can’t let them know that. It’s kind of like the cover charge at a gentleman’s club. A necessary evil required to get to the good stuff.First off, you must be properly dressed while on the course which is called “donning the appropriate attire” which should not be confused with “Don appropriated a tire” which is nothing like the first statement (and good for Don by the way).Golf rules state that you must wear a collared shirt. Evidently something about having neck flaps makes you a better person. You cannot wear t-shirts, sleeveless t-shirts or be without a t-shirt (no matter how “sweet” your buddy says your pecs look). Feel free to be creative though. If you can find a way to add side lapels to that old ratty Metallica t-shirt, then more power to you, brother.You also cannot wear jeans, cutoff jeans, camo pants or over 2000 varieties of shorts. There’s way too much to learn here but a good rule of thumb in this regard is how you feel while wearing the clothing in question. If it feels ha ha funny, then no. If it feels I-look-like-a-test-pattern weird funny, then yes by all means. Lastly the shoes. Imagine stealing something you’d see at a bowling alley and adding something on the sole for better traction. Kind of like really nice slippers with nails sticking out of them for better traction.

And now, you’re ready. You’re all decked out in your new neon pink $875 golf outfit which unfortunately can’t be used in any other human social situation – other than Halloween perhaps. Just remember to have fun, assuming of course you have any spare cash left over to pay for the round that is.