Last night's dream involved: a massive pile of $100 bills that I was responsible for counting (where no one had any idea just how many were there), some sort of scheme requiring long-haul truckers, a prostitute with a tattoo completely covering one breast, and said prostitute singing Commander Cody's "Down to Seeds and Stems Again Blues."

However, the most interesting part was where I wasn't present but was still somehow observing. From what I can recall, my dreams are always first-person. This time, I was watching a conversation between two people in a car but I wasn't in the car. That's something new.

We live in the fucked age. Get used to it. - dhex

holy shit there will never be an end until the sweet release of death (as dictated by the death panels, natch) - lunch

I had a dream this morning that Coldplay had released a double album of instrumental Devo covers. I can't name a single Coldplay song, so I'm not sure why my brain chose them. Thanks, subconscious, for that bit of whimsical fuckery.

Yeah but how can you tell at a glance which junk a raccoon is packing? Also, gay raccoons? - Hugh Akston
Nothing you can say is as important as the existence of a functioning marketplace of ideas, go set yourself on fire. - JasonL

From last night: I was at my step-sister's new house (which I've never seen before) at the end of this old logging road (she lives in a suburb) for a huge family gathering or wedding weekend type of thing like you see as a movie set up. There were people there from our family, and a bunch more people I'd never seen before but knew instinctively were distant cousins. I was upset because the night before there was a big party with dancing, singing, and drinking that I somehow was not invited to even though I was part of the wedding party. (I have no idea who was getting married. Maybe one of the distant cousins.) I then got into an acrimonious shouting match with my brother in law about using some screws and dowels to put together a piece of furniture for the ceremony. I was going to speak with my step-sister about how her husband was being a dick, but I woke up.

"i'd like to move toward not combusting except on special occasions like arbor day." - dhex

I dreamed a few scenes from a movie about a guy (that might be a younger Michael Keaton) who loses time. The camera white out and then it's later but the doesn't remember the intervening period. He works at a Pinkberry, and he's telling this sarcastic punk about his mom in the nursing home and then he fades out and he's telling the same story to an attractive single mom and her kids. I get the sense that either the mom or the guy lived in this rundown building in downtown LA. Paul Ruebens is another resident there, and there was a scene where he was lying in bed when the couple next door is fighting and he can hear through the wall a big thud followed by silence. He makes some remark about being in the wrong place just before the toilet upstairs flushes and he gets a face full of toilet water in bed.

"Is a Lulztopia the best we can hope for?!?" ~Taktix®
"Inexplicably cockfighting monsters that live in your pants" ~Jadagul

A friend was going to interview a guy that she had written some critical things about, and I went with her in some capacity. The guy ended up having the run of some run-down local mall, where he made cheap lazy pr0n videos ("Because We're Lazy" was actually the title of the series, many of which looked like awful Star Trek parodies) featuring unattractive women who seemed doped out of their gourds. I got the sense that he was just luring my friend in so he could hook her and humiliate her in one of his videos (a lot of them seemed to involve spanking etc.). So I told her not to meet with him, and instead we rescued a bunch of girls who didn't seem to know where they were.

After that he wanted to meet with me, so he sent his weird shovel-faced girlfriend with the sunken chest to meet me. She took me to the food court and got me a soda, which she promptly took into the little bathroom behind us for a second before putting it on the counter in front of me. She was insistent about me having some before he showed up, and I sarcastically said "Yeah I'm going to go ahead and drink that so my mucus membranes can absorb the liquid." So the guy shows up and he's this runty little bully with a bad temper. He makes a bunch of threats and I laugh them off, then when I get up to leave he comes at me with a double-stick tape dispenser, which I snatch out of his hand and press the serrated edge under his chin hard enough to draw blood and I'm like "don't ever lay a hand on me." Then I pin his head and hand to the glass door and proceed to tape him to it. Everyone is watching and sort of gasps because apparently no one has ever stood up to this twerp before.

So this other guy with a Clancy Brown voice (who I'm guessing is his boss, and possibly father) says "Careful fellas, I prefer blowouts," and I say "Looks to me like you got one," before I push open the other door and walk out.

"Is a Lulztopia the best we can hope for?!?" ~Taktix®
"Inexplicably cockfighting monsters that live in your pants" ~Jadagul

I took a nap after watching a bunch of RiffTrax, and wound up with Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett narrating my dreams. Funny overall, but I never realized the production values on my REM sleep were so mockable.

I had an odd dream the other day that I was still taking college classes, part time. And then I was struck with the horror of having been in college half my life.

"Better that ten guilty persons escape than that one innocent suffer."
"Cyberpunk never really gave the government enough credit for their ability to secure a favorable prenup during the Corporate-State wedding." - Shem

I was in a polyamorous relationship with a couple of girls I knew in high school. We were moving into this fancy condo building and we each had these papercraft mask/helmet things. I don't remember what theirs were but mine was a bull moose with little antlers. The building owners were unsure about our lifestyle, so they let the other residents vote on whether we could stay and we won pretty handily.

"Is a Lulztopia the best we can hope for?!?" ~Taktix®
"Inexplicably cockfighting monsters that live in your pants" ~Jadagul

"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

Back on The Patch, which means I'm back on patch dreams: last night I dreamt that Jeff and I were still living in Virginia, but I decided to go back to grad school. I thought the school was in Virginia, close enough that I could ride my bicycle* home to Jeff on weekends. But only too late did I realize this school was actually in Florida, too far to bike home. (And also in the southern hemisphere, since my dream-self was excited to see the Magellanic Clouds for the first time, and sent Jeff an email about it.) I had to write my first term paper, and while researching it I discovered that al-Qaeda gets most of its funding by selling cheese, which made Jordan Peele (of Key & Peele fame) joke that their name should be changed to "al-Cheeseda," which my dream-self found absolutely hilarious. Then our government adopted that usage.

*In real life, I have not owned or ridden a bicycle since age 19, when my father had his bike accident.

"Myself, despite what they say about libertarians, I think we're actually allowed to pursue options beyond futility or sucking the dicks of the powerful." -- Eric the .5b

I hate it when I dream up ideas that I have no way of actualizing. Included in last night's dream were the highly anticipated Discovery Channel shows about Civil War physics and the history of wine. There was also a dessert that looked like a layered fruit thing on top of a chocolate cake? I was eating apple pie eggrolls from Trader Joes, which I am relieved to find out are already a thing.

"Is a Lulztopia the best we can hope for?!?" ~Taktix®
"Inexplicably cockfighting monsters that live in your pants" ~Jadagul

I dreamt that I visited an uncle in another state, bought an AK47 that folds up like a Transformer, and then fretted about shipping it to California.

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"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

Last night I dreamed I was walking down a busy street wearing a kerchief on my head and a t-shirt, but totally naked from the waist down. I took the kerchief and tied it over my privates like a fig leaf. Then I turned to the person I was with and said, "This is how you can tell we're not in a dream right now. In a dream, nobody would care that I was naked."

I also dreamed that I was about to get into bed but saw a lump under the covers and realized somebody else was already in bed. I pulled the blanket back to reveal David and got really mad that he was in my bed. I'm sure a Freudian couples' therapist would have a field day with that one.

Another whatever-the-opposite-of-lucid-dreaming-is dream. I was trying to call 911 because someone had been poisoned, but despite great care and effort I kept dialing 9-2-2. I thought, "In my dreams it's always hard for me to call 911, but I didn't realize it would be so hard in real life!"

Well there's your problem. You forgot that they changed it to 0118 999 881 999 119 7253.

My version of that dream is the one where I know I have to call 0118 999 881 999 119 7253 for some reason, but my finger always slips when I try to hit the 3, so I have to hang up and start all over again.

I know they didn't have phones in ancient Greece but even so: I'm pretty sure that's the dream which inspired whichever mythmaker first told the story of Sisyphus.

"Myself, despite what they say about libertarians, I think we're actually allowed to pursue options beyond futility or sucking the dicks of the powerful." -- Eric the .5b

I dreamed that I saw a post on Livejournal where some guy from a con was badmouthing serenitysprings, because she'd won a board game competition he thought he should have won. He posted, "This is her idea of a safe space," and it was a picture of lunchstealer sleeping in bed wearing a tie-dye shirt. I was gearing up to defend her, despite my dislike of arguing on the internet, when I woke up.

Also dreamed that a guy who was kind-of JasonL (in the way that happens in dreams) had fallen in love with this girl who turned out to be suuuuuper into foxes -- like, was always rescuing foxes and wouldn't go places that had a "no foxes allowed" sign because she said it meant she wasn't welcome either -- and he only realized what a kook she was after he'd fallen head over heels for her and didn't want to back out. We all thought it was really funny, and mocked him a lot.

I dreamt I was at this forum, which kept flipping back and forth between an ordinary web forum and an actual physical hangout. Somebody was stressing out because he or she had to give a "pun gift" to someone else and couldn't think of anything. But I knew that person had good sewing skills, so I suggested buying some Fruit Roll-Ups plus Twizzlers for thread, sewing it together into an edible patchwork blouse, and telling the gift recipient to "eat shirt." Then I woke up, and my brain was still dream-fuzzy enough to think "Fruit by the Foot tastes better, but it would be a lot harder to make a shirt with," until I woke up all the way are realized how thoroughly ridiculous the whole idea was.

"Myself, despite what they say about libertarians, I think we're actually allowed to pursue options beyond futility or sucking the dicks of the powerful." -- Eric the .5b

I don't know what the context was, but I was going to become a teacher, and to do so, I needed a cover identity (naturally). So the top secret agency I was working for was gonna set me up with a passport and driver's license, but they needed a name. My sleeping brain was Johnny-on-the-spot, though, and quickly came up with the most unobtrusive, believable, and unremarkable name possible: "Desbit Foam."

What the hell, brain? Are you deliberately trying to blow my cover?

"TIL that it's genetically impossible for whales to have evolved from leg-having ancestors, millions of scientists are signing a petition to stop the teaching of evolution and evolution isn't real because Nazis wanted to kill all the Jews. Alternately, I met a moron at the museum." -- TIO