Feminine Communication 101: Collaboration

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One Response to Feminine Communication 101: Collaboration

ShannonNovember 20, 2014

I’m 44 years old. I’ve never been married. I don’t have any children. I’ve been in two relatively long term relationships (3-1/2 & 8-1/2 years respectively) and been very much single outside of those relationships. I’ve never had any huge desire to be married or to have children. But I have always had a deep need to find a partner in life. After spending the last 5 years since the end of my last relationship reading and listening and trying to learn as much as I can about male/female relations, I’ve finally come to the conclusion that the man who could be my partner in life simply doesn’t exist.

I understand now that men desire someone who is the opposite of what they consider “masculine”. The dilemma I have is that as a woman, I don’t agree with the definition of “feminine” that’s espoused by all the dating experts. To me, I’m a woman, and a woman embodies emotion and sensuality and intelligence and confidence and capability and savvy and wit and integrity and common sense. This definition of feminine where intelligence and capability and common sense and wit and savvy and integrity and, yes, confidence are defined as masculine traits is exactly the definition of femininity that spurred so many women throughout the centuries to fight for the right to be who they really were, to be intelligent and educated and analytical and assertive and confident (in the true sense of the word, not in the sense that they “love themselves” as so many dating experts seem to want to define it but in that they BELIEVE in themselves and their ability to deal with whatever life throws their way), and capable of handling life and its many foibles with assurance and competence and ease.

There are times when I’m cold where, if a man is around, I might remember to say “I’m cold” rather than do what I’ve done my whole entire life, which is to take care of such a minor issue without even really being conscious of having done so. But I’m not going to become an entirely different person when I’m around a man and be that person to the exclusion of who I am at every, single other time of my life. When I’m sitting home alone, and I get cold, I don’t say “I’m cold” and wait for the universe to magically deliver me from coldness. If I’m with my mom (who raised me) or any of the other women in my family or my friends and I get cold, I don’t say “I’m cold” and wait for one of them to make me warm. I want to be the same person when I’m with the man in my life as I am around everyone else or when I’m alone.

And it seems that being the person I’ve been for the last 44 years will only attract boys who want someone to take care of them. And I have no desire or attraction for those kind of guys at all. A real man should be confident in who he is and his masculinity and capable of providing in ways that allow him to feel masculine even if I get up and get a blanket myself. We live in a world where only the most useless women need to be taken care of. This is no longer a world where physical strength provides any real advantage. Armed soldiers aren’t going to pillage my home, murder my brother, and rape me and my sisters. I don’t need a man to protect me from other men any more. I can buy a handgun to do that if I really need to.

What sort of world is this that being able to take care of myself and happily doing so is “too masculine”? I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise. Women have been told for centuries that we shouldn’t have opinions or get an education or be athletes or show our ankles because it isn’t feminine. It’s sad to me that this is what it’s come to. Either go back to equating feminine with incapable or spend the rest of our lives alone or taking care of man-boys just to have some semblance of a masculine presence in our lives.

I want a man who has my back, who does what he says he’s going to do, who takes care of those things I either can’t or am not good at or that matter to him more than me or that he wants to make his responsibility. I want a man who respects me and likes that I’m smart and funny and capable and can take care of myself, someone who doesn’t think I’m trying to compete with him because I get up and get my own sweater or change the oil in my car or program the DVR. I want someone that I can wholeheartedly admire and respect and whose contribution to my life I can appreciate without feeling like he needs me to define his masculinity. I truly want a partner in life, not someone who’s looking for an accessory or a mother.

I don’t compete with other people in life. I only compete with myself — to be a better person today than I was yesterday. I don’t ask men out. I don’t try to change them or care if they spend time with their friends or doing their own thing. I appreciate a man opening the door for me and holding out my chair and planning a date or any other event. I’m perfectly content to let him take the lead in any endeavor that isn’t mine personally. I don’t need a man to validate me. I like and respect myself — my own inner compass is always my guide. The most important thing to me in life is my own self respect. And I can’t be less intelligent or capable or educated. I want a partner in life who doesn’t see me as competition or need me to validate his masculinity and who is as confident in himself and his masculinity and his abilities as I am in myself and my abilities and my womanliness. I don’t ever think of myself as masculine. And a man can never make me feel more womanly — I always feel that inside myself. I want to share my life with a whole human being, not someone who needs me to validate him or who’s there to validate me.

But it’s beginning to seem more and more like that isn’t a possibility. It truly does seem like men are looking for someone to validate them and their masculinity. And for someone like me who’s looking for a man who doesn’t have this huge hole inside of himself where he should receive his own validation, my only choice, if I want to remain true to myself, is to accept a life alone.