I feel bad because I don't feel.
I'm sitting here at the hospital being indifferent while half of my family is freaking out.

My Dad's stepbrother is here in ICU after a freak accident. His chest is smashed and his broken ribs have perforated his insides. He will have another surgery today. Nobody can say if he survives or not.
And I feel bad for not being shocked and freaked out. I hardly know him...he's accident stranger to me...so I can't really feel a thing.

I have been listening to the same song for hours straight for two days now.
Now I turned it off to be in complete quiet.

My whole body is shaking. The first day the shaking was visible outward...now it's only me who feels my whole body shaking but kthers won't see it.

I was told how great I'm doing how I'm holding up.
It's just my poker face for the world. I can't let others know how I have broken down over this.

I am sad and lost but moreover I am scared. Scared that this is the beginning of the end. I have been in so many bad situationso in my life and always got out somehow. Life was always going on somehow. I was always lucky. I always knew that no matter how bad it looked there is light after the darkness.

But I feel like my string of good luck has been ripped in two now. I feel like I won't find a solution how to work myself out of the bad things now.

I so desperately want to tell this to someone. I so want someone to reassure me that everything will be fine.
But I know I can't talk to someone about it. I can't tell anyone that I feel like I lost control like that ... it will just scare them. Everyone relies on me and my strength to go on. I always make them go on how can I tell them I'm afraid now?

I don't feel like doing something stupid. I'm not mania high crazy hopeless trying to hurt or kill myself. This is usually just my illness and not really me a day deep deep down I always know that I just do it cuz I'm high on feelings.

It's scary now as it's my real quiet feelings. It's a hopelessness consuming me...no mania no depression.
Seems like my luck has run out and the real me for the first time in my life being really scared and without hope.

I wake up in the middle of the night shaking with terror and panic.
It takes me quite a while to calm down the shaking and immediate signs of fear. My whole body seems in high alert when I wake up. There's no nightmare I remember that wakes me nothing that would justify that immense horror.
After a while I calm down and sadness replaces the fear but I can't go back to sleep anymore.

Writing those things down here is of immense help. I don't wanna bother my family since they have to worry enough about my uncle who still hasn't woken up from the coma.I don't wanna say something to them but I feel he will never wake up again.

Sadness is still eclipsing everything else in my life.
Panic attacks wake me in the middle of the night. And then I can't go back to sleep and just stay awake crying most of the time.

I am not interested in anything, I can't pay attention to anything or anyone. Every conversation I have gets boring and meaningless after two sentences. I find most things and people annoying but can't be bothered to argue - I just walk away - . I usually never do that as T remarked yesterday.

I just feel surrounded by death and illness and all those horrible things I just don't have the energy to care about other people's dumbness. Why should I?

I somehow have to function at least on the outside. This would be easier if I could just sleep for a couple of hours for once.

I have been really tired those past days and was too lazy to write anything here.
I buried myself in work so I don't get a chance to think about anything. School and especially my voluntary Red Cross work kept me so busy I wasn't really able to think whether I am happy or sad.
Downside is I was really neglecting my friends since I am either busy or tired or both.
So I try to find a balance.

My current boyfriend is absolutely gorgeous...he is far more understanding than I could ever imagine. He is the first person I have a sexual relationship with who actually tries to understand my feelings and personality.
I feel bad when I don't have time for him...I am a afraid he will think I am not really interested anymore.

So to have a free weekend were it is mainly the two of us is really great for our relationship.

It's about a month now that I lost an incredible person and one of my beloved pets at the same time. I was overwhelmed, paralysed by my feelings of sadness. I couldn't stand anyone near me, I hated having feelings.

Now? I feel like I slowly adapt. It still hurts and sometimes random memories bring tears to my eyes.
I sometimes think I never want to have feelings for any person or animal...if I don't get attached it won't hurt when they are gone.

I told my boyfriend I don't wanna be with him for this reason. He refused to be gone from my life telling me nothing bad would happen and it's just in my mind.
I know it's just all in my head ... crazy thoughts about him getting killed...whenever we are supposed to meet and he shows up late horror scenarios of what might have happened to him form in my head. I can't help it that's how my mind works.

I'm panicking at the thought someone I care for getting sick or hurt in any way and I am not able to help them. Strangely enough I never really care about my own well being.

Behind all this might be an egotistic feeling of not being left behind alone.
I don't want people to be to close but at the same time I don't wanna be alone either.

I would die for someone I love just for the sake of not having to live without them and being alone.
I guess I am horrible when it comes to love and relationships.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to have a normal lasting get relationship with someone. No person sharing my mental problems I know ever had a real lasting relationship with a "normal" person.

I'm feeling positive and at the same time I'm feeling bad. It's like I can't decide.

I know I should be happy but I just live in fear everyday of some heavy blow to come.
I try to relax but panic is always scratching and nibbling on my darker corners. I just don't know what is wrong...I so wish for some stability, some peace of mind...but it just doesn't happen for me.

Every new day seems such a challenge...I don't know why...I can't figure it out.
I just want to save this tiny piece of normal I have now for a while longer but every phone call, every ring of the door bell.... I don't know how to describe it...but it's a constant fear of my life as it is now being ripped away from me at any second.

This fear is poisoning all my thoughts, keeps me from relaxing and enjoying what I have at the moment.

I'm feeling anxious...I can't sleep and I'm skittish as hell.
I really don't know why I am so nervous. I really really should be happy.

My boyfriend stayed with me so I don't have to be alone. Guess he's worried about my strange behaviour.
I haven't talked to him about how I feel about Dad and stuff. He doesn't know him and so I felt like he should not have to get involved - atleast not yet.

I feel sorry for having lied to him telling him I'm nervous because of some school stuff.

I just pray to God grandma will be here on time to pick Dad up cuz if her husband does it....the first drama and argument is inevitable.

I have been quite busy for a while and I still am so I hardly have time to think about anything, let alone write some of my thoughts down.

School and two jobs really don't give me much freedom at the moment. I have hardly any social life and my boyfriend always complains about my being constantly tired.

I will have to give up one of my jobs in the long run. But this is where decision. making starts and that's something I hate and that always gives me anxiety.
I have to make a decision out of a sudden impulse and not by thinking about it I quiet...this never really works out for me.

I really would love this nice and relaxed feelings from last night would last a bit longer but all the stress and negative feelings creep up again.

I'm so mad and stressed that I have started self-harming a great deal again. I hate myself for it but I can't find another way of dealing with things atm.
Well...killing a certain someone would be a way but that's out of the question I'm afraid.

I mean I come home and just want some peace of mind but it's the same fuckin thugs hangin around again with him...so much for I promise I do better.
Gran is pissed as hell, too but of course she doesn't say a thing just naggin. Wtf am I supposed to do? She's the Mom...but she doesn't wanna argue. So she just waits for me to open my mouth about it...I don't feel like getting in your an argument that 100% will turn violent.
I'm sick and tired....so I dun care anymore.
I'm done.

So my breaking point in this matter was reached long ago.
I dunno. I'm just done with the whole shit.

I met Dad's "friend" at the grocery store and he had started arguing with me...I mean wtf?
The shop owner even called the cops as he saw him in the parking lot with me and felt this guy was harassing me. I should have made them arrest him...but no I'm such an idiot.
I just want those people to leave me alone.

My boyfriend took me home with him...I don't wanna be there and drag him into it and make it his problem. I can't self harm with him around...I'm getting more and more aggressive and really feel like smashing something.

I hate being like that...I'm hate violence and it absolutely disgusts me to have violent thoughts. I have to calm before it gets nasty...and I should leave but my boyfriend wants me to stay the night.
He's killing me with kindness...I'm just wanna be alone...

After my last relapse I'm now self-harming again on a regular basis.
Not really dangerous stuff but still enough to draw others attention, too.

Course Dad is using it against me now...and he is totally right. I mean how can I complain about his smoking weed while I am addicted to burn myself.

I am not really depressed but not feeling particularly high either. It's one of those horrible in between things. I am angry and aggressive but also have this fits of melancholy and crying. Honestly I am not sure where I am heading too right now.

I have this sleeping problems now for quite a while. I hoped it would get better but unfortunately not.
In addition I now half my body hurts terrible and it gets worse everyday.I have this awful pain in my neck, shoulder and arm while all my fingers go numb. I have to be so careful when I hold something in my hand. It's like I have no strength in my hand at all. At the same time the pain drives me crazy. I get even less sleep because of this pain.

I know it is all still from my car accident. My body was fucked up in it way more than I wanted to admit. The doc told me it could result in lifelong chronic pain but since I feel fine for a couple of weeks in between I usually do1 give the whole thing that much attention.

But at the moment both my mental and my physical state are really bad.

I can't talk about it with Dad...I hate bringing up the car crash around him.

But I have to do something...no sleep, being in pain...I can't concentrate on my classes in school anymore and I have a hard time keeping up my social life and my relationship.

My physical health is a bit better or maybe I have just gotten used to it.
I just can't afford adding to you already mile long medical bills.

The sleeping situation is still bad. I have a pack of sleeping pills but I haven't touched them.
Mentally I'm doing okay. So don't wanna spoil this by using meds.

I had a good time with my friend, spending the evenings watching horror movies and shit.
School is okay. And what's important, too, my remaining cat is doing good...his health wasn't so good but now he seems better again.

But...something is going on between Dad and Grandma. After dinner they had started arguing. Not special but the argued in Cajun...so that I shouldn't understand it. Since they think I don't understand that language so well.She has just left now and he is sitting out there.

I'm trying to be there for others my Dad, my boyfriend but I feel really alone.
Alone is not necessarily a bad thing ... I need my alone time. But honestly at the moment I feel sorta used.
I do what I can but it just doesn't seem enough for them.

I'm really stressed. School, work and also home life.
I have increasing sleeping problems and somehow alternate between crying for no particular reason when I am alone and try to relax and becoming really aggressive when I get annoyed.
I try to keep my anger inside and try to stay calm but I can feel my steadily increasing hostility. I have a hard time not to snap at people for the slightest thing.

As predicted I kinda acted out on my increasing bad feelings.
I got into a fight with a coworker who sorta bullies me for months now.
And going home that night I had a breakdown and literally cried the whole night.
I had a long talk on the phone with my boss and she seems to understand my feelings and situation.
I'm a bit calmer now but of course still not good at all.
In addition I have gotten really sick, this always happens when I'm stressed.