Wednesday, November 6, 2013

marriage is definitely for me

You have probably seen the article posted all over facebook called "Marriage Isn't For You." Aside from the clever title that did make me click to learn more, I wasn't convinced. The author, who has been married for all of a year and a half, basically realizes that he got married for his wife: to see her smile, make her laugh, and be a good part in her life. And that's great! You should want that in your marriage. But I really don't think most of us get married for those lovely, selfless reasons. I think that's a part of it, but we mostly get married for ourselves.

Granted, I have never lived alone, but I think being married makes my life easier. Two incomes (or a person with extra time to keep up with the house) are amazing, right? And I love that the things that I am awful at, he is great at. He forgot to feed the dog? No big deal, I'm home to take care of it. We need coffee? He can stop at the store. We're going through life together and, while I love that I can be there for him, my knee-jerk reaction is that I love always having someone there for me.

I am not very good wife material. I have written many posts outlining my faults on this blog in a short time. I am lucky to have my husband; he shows his love by doing things for me. I forget to show my love in any good way most of the time. I definitely got married for me in this case. I have a tendency to get caught up in my own head and neglect to be about him more often than I should.

The so-called selflessness of love gets lost in the day-to-day. You get cranky, you have bad days, you step in ants and wonder why he hasn't killed them yet. He can't believe you still haven't done dishes. But you need one another to get through the day to day. He needs me to hop in on one foot flailing like I got bit by a shark and not an ant so he can laugh at my dramatics and I need his... nudging as an excuse to be sassy and ask if he has a sudden water allergy I should know about that has prevented him from loading the dishwasher. You don't think about it and you don't do it for the other person - you do it because it's life and you're married and you're committed, and it's the only way you know how to stay sane.

I don't do silly things with the intention of making my husband happy; I do them because they come naturally to me. If he didn't think bad jokes were funny, then he wouldn't have chosen me. I feel that the writer of the article says that making your partner happy is always at the forefront of your mind, and that just isn't the case. On any given day, the forefront of my mind is filled with turning off the straightener, recent tweets, weekend plans, and wondering where I left my phone. Making my husband happy and feel important and laugh are all very important to me, but I think with the right person and the right situations, it just happens. It's not an active thing - it's just life. I want to try to make him happy, sure, but if watching ESPN makes him happy and watching Parks and Rec makes me happy and I have the remote, whose happiness will matter most in that moment? Mine. And Leslie Knope's.

We got married for us. We value one another, and we like the way the other makes us feel. I don't live in a fantasy world where I think I can make my husband's life better all the time. I just can't. But I can be there for him, and with him, and make bad jokes when he needs one. And when he drives me crazy, I can try to remember all the good he does for me. I'm lucky he chose me. Except when I have ant bites on my feet. Then I wish a slightly more outdoorsy version of him chose me.

19 comments:

I like your view on the article. While I believe that my husband and I are married because I wanted to be married and he probably could have gone on in life without the papers and sharing his name...I believe we both benefit from it. He has someone who cooks, cleans, irons his clothes and rubs his head when he isn't feeling well. I have someone who cuts the grass, helps make decisions because I am indecisive, opens jars that just wont budge for me, and gives me random hugs because he knows I love them. Who else would I watch hours upon hours of TV with every week? Who else would say corny things and laugh with me? My dogs are great company, but they aren't my husband! Marriage is something that both people enter into for themselves and for the other. It is a commitment you make together, totally agree!

i think that article is stupid. when you do things in the interest of OTHERS ONLY, you lose faith and interest fast, then you turn into the asshole that you never wanted to be because you feel resentment and suffocation because it's not something that YOU wanted in the first place. if you don't have that initial desire or drive to do something like enter a marraige, then don't bother.

marriage is about the *both of you*. you marry someone because YOU want to and because THEY want to and together, you build a life FOR THE BOTH OF YOU, not just one person.

I read it but not being a fan of marriage in general I didn't find that it was applicable to me and my life. I do have an opinion though not that I'm sure it matters in a discussion about a subject that doesn't apply to my life.

I think every single couple has their own reason's for getting married and those reason's may not be the same as anyone else's reason's. ( I feel like that sentence is weird but I don't know how else to put it)

I think I agree with it while disagreeing with it, haha. Like I did marry Matt because I knew he would be a good husband and that I wanted to create our own family together. And while you do things to make the other person happy because of that, the opposite is true too. I did want a partner in life to take the trash out, mow the lawn, and drive me to doctor's appointments when I'm too sick to drive myself. I also think like everything else there are times one person is more selfless than the other. It's an ebb and flow. I also think people forget that no two marriages will ever look alike. That's my main issue with most advice. It's great if that works for you, but it's not a one size fits all thing! :)

I think your post is very thought provoking and a great read. I loved the post you mentioned, because it was from a male perspective instead of a female one, so hearing a guy say that was awesome.

I think it's a balance of both. I think you indeed get married for yourself, but when you pledge your love and life to another forever, you are pledging to doing what you can to help that person and make their life better.

The article confused me because of this: you can't BOTH do what the other person wants all the time. This is a dumb simple example, but let's say one person wants Mexican food and one wants Chinese food. Somebody is going to get the food they want, unless you decide to skip both, then nobody gets what they want. How do you decide if BOTH of you NEVER do anything except what the other person wants?

That's why you have Mexican food some of the time, Chinese food some of the time. One of you will have to move to another city because the other person got a great new promotion or new job. One of you will have to go to a work party for the other. One of you will have to see a movie that you don't really care for, but the other person wants to see it. And so on with other situations.

Being with someone for going on 12 years and being married for over three of those, I think that article is complete and total BS.

It's all about compromise, sure, but we all know there are some areas I'm never compromising on and some he's never compromising on. It's a ying and yang, a back and forth, a rolling sea. It is not that article.

I think you marry for yourself and the other person so it's 'US'. I totally get what he's saying about making the other person happy. I work on that constantly in my marriage. I want to be generous and I want to make him happy. Doing so makes me happy and then he just gives it right back to me so it's this amazing circle of love. You can't marry 100% to make someone else happy. You do it for yourself too. I think it ends up being 50/50 because in day to day life you have to do for yourself and always consider your partner as well.

I am not married but I think you can't 100% think about someone else all the time but to try and more actively think about them or their desires is a good thing. Somedays that is just not going to happen because life is hard.

In our 9 years of marriage, there's been times when being married has made things easier but also times when it's made things harder. Mostly related to finances. (now you have to buy two of most things!) But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Besides, it's like I always say - I don't think anyone else would put up with me.

I could write a book about who marriage is for! I read the article as well and I do not agree with him. I think that marriage is for you. I am not married yet (next year) but I find that living with him and joining everything together will be easier than having things seperate. :)

Marriage is totally a give and take type of thing. You give some and you take some. And it should be pretty balanced. That article did get it partially right in saying the more you love the more you receive. But I agree with you that it isn't on the forefront of the mind, it just sort of happens naturally.

My husband said to me the other day "did you read that article about marriage isn't for you?" I said yes and then he goes "it's a butt-load of crap!" haha. So we talked about it more and yeah, marriage IS for you. Duh. No one gets married purely to make the other person happy. I think in marriage, the only way to be happy yourself is to do your best to make the other person happy which will encourage them to do the same for you and then everyone wins. That guy is pretty much a cheeseball, I think his point that we should try to make our spouse happy is a good one... but no. I could go on and on but that is the gist of my opinion on this! I love that you wrote this post sparking me to think about it more.

Love this post! I totally agree...marriage is really somewhere in between making BOTH spouses happy! Its called compromise! haha

I think that posts and articles with extreme messages just tend to go viral and people read them and agree without giving it a second thought. I think the idea the guy had about putting others before yourself is fine...but it is taking it a little too far.

First of all, I have a problem with the title of the article. It's very misleading and I think that's why it got a lot of views. My first thought was marriage isn't for you as a whole, not that you get married for the other person. Anyways... back to the actual content of the article.

I disagree with the author. It has to be about yourself sometimes. It's just gotta. You have to be happy and enjoy the person you marry. You can't purely do everything for them and expect nothing in return. I believe his outlook is too simplistic.

I agree with all the above comments. I feel like David and I aren't meeting eye to eye about the topic at all. I can't explain in words to him my view, nor why I think his view is wrong. Is that weird?