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Chapter one

September 2016

“Cassie why? Why? I trusted you with everything I had” He cried uncontrollably,” I have loved you, I have defended you, even from my own family, why.?” Collins buried his face in his hands as if that was going to make the pain go away. In our seven years of marriage the only time I have seen him cry was when his father died. He was hurt and i wanted to reassure him badly I still loved him but my courage failed me. I stood motionless in one corner of the room, afraid of going too close to him. Tears flowed rapidly from my eyes like blood from an open wound.

“I m sorry baby please”I mumbled in my shaky voice. I knelt and started to crawl towards him. If only I could get him to look at me, if only he would raise his head. I summoned courage and placed my hands on his knees, still afraid he would hit me in a fit of rage, maybe that would even make me feel better. Collins had always joked about it”cassie the day you betray me, I would beat you to death and bury you secretly” he would say. A man as hot tempered as he was, I knew he was capable of that. He sank deeper into the chair and finally lifted his face from his hands, sitting there he looked distant and isolated.

“please look at me baby please…..its your cassie please”I sobbed into his thighs. I huddled as if I didn’t want to exist.

He let me cry for a long moment like he was waiting for me to exhaust my tears.”tell me the truth Cassie, how many times have you being with him”

I slowly lifted my head and I gave him a pathetic vacant stare, I was suddenly having difficulty breathing.

“Baby please don’t do this”

“Tell me now”he snapped. My whole body was numb for a few seconds, my fingers became still,my face sagged, white as a flag of surrender, the silence was broken by the sound of Maggie my terrian dog who was scratching vigorously behind our room window.

“How many times Cas?

“How many fucking times” he quipped. I could feel the rage in his voice . His fist was clenched tight he was obviously holding back punching my face

“Just once I swear, just once”

My eyes closed. I was drained, waxen.I squeezed my lids shut to hold back the tears. My phone started to ring, without looking at it he picked it up and smashed it at the dressing mirror, my heart skipped a beat. The mirror shattered sending pieces of glass flying all over. Collins didn’t even flinch. I started to cry hysterically.

“Now you are crying…..did you for one second think of me while you rolled in your hay of shame? Did you? Did you even hesitate for a second”he was sobbing under his breath now.

I reached out for his hand but he pushed me away and stood up abruptly from the chair, and there I was on the floor, I whimpered softly. Thank God the kids were away on holiday in all of this fiasco.

“Please forgive me…please…please my love”

“Don’t you dare patronize me and don’t come any closer, I can’t even bear to look at you”he barked

“just take it out on me, scold me hit me, let it all out baby but please forgive me my love, forgive me”I was crawling on my kneels towards him again. I let out a loud shrill as a splitterd glass pierced my knee. He didn’t even shudder nor look at me. It was like the whole love he felt for me drained out the moment he saw me walk out that airport hand in hand with Uyi

“This marriage is over” And he immediately made for the door

“Noooo ……nooo” I screamed, ignoring the pain on my knees I scrambled on my feet and threw my hands around him, I held him tight like my life depended on it ”No baby please please pleaseeeeee”

“let go Cay…let me go now” He tried to shove me off but I wasn’t giving up that easily, not withstanding the blood dripping down my legs.

“You should have thought of that when you were frolicking with him”he kept trying to gently motion away.

“I know, I m a prostitute, I m a shame, I m worthless….. but please let’s talk this out…..its me your Cay, your ‘sugar baby’….We have been through worse….We can work this out ”I cried

“Really! We have been through worse? You don’t even know the gravity of what you did…get your filthy hands off me….you re tainted already” he replied.

I held on tightly hopefully his heart would soften. My tears had always been a weapon with Collins, my crying episodes always ended up in bed with him making sweet love to me.it seemed just a few days since we had made sweet love right there on the soft rug of our room, we had clung to each other and felt the deepest oneness of body and soul. Collins was an excellent lover, not exceptionally attractive but he was free spirited and always ready for a good laugh. He was one of those guys people loved to hang with. He was exceptionally smart, jovial and bubbly.

At forty six he was slighty white bearded with curly black hair all over his body.He had a slim frame despite his lackadaisical attitude to exercise. I on the other hand was the opposite of him, why Collins enjoyed friends and night life, I was more into myself, spending time running the house and taking care of the kids was more my style. I was a perfectionist when it came to house chores. Save for my stunning atheletic shapely physique, one would say I was an ideal house wife, even after three kids with the oldest at six and youngest at 2, I had a body to set any man’s eyes rolling.5,8 tall, and still a size 12, with well rounded hips that balanced well on my very slim waist.

Though I was 13years younger than collins he had always subdued me in bed. His agility and skill kept me wanting more like a wanton. My first and subsequent orgasm was with him, though I had other lovers before him. Why then did I do this? What was it about Uyi that I couldn’t resist. Uyi wasn’t even half the man Collins is in bed, yet he had an unshakeable spot in my heart. This is madness! What have I done? The thought hit me hard, what is it that women really want?

“Cassie how insensitive can you be? You think I m not human? I don’t have blood running in this veins” His voice was calmer now. Defeated, he let out a long slow exhalation.

“I know I know my love please. …I know you are angry, I know you are hurt, I m ashamed of myself, but please in the name of our three kids, let’s talk about this, I am begging you”

“Don’t you dare bring my kids into this, they would be ashamed to have a mother like you”

“I know I know I m the worst for now, but please”Now my hands clutched tightly at his shirt, ripping off one button, but I wasn’t about to let him walk away

“What do you want from me? You want me to tell you it’s okay! That I forgive you?”his voice was rising again. I need to make him listen, I thought quickly. What was I even going to say to him, what excuse is there for infidelity.

I knew our marriage wasn’t that perfect, in fact we have had it rough, but I had always managed like my mum. I was a hustler, strong, energetic and resourceful. A woman who never let my dad’s inadequacies bring her down and resolutely resolved to keep her head above water. How then did I lose it? I asked myself. How did it get to this point? Did I get tired of filling in the gap in the home? Honestly if Collins decides it is over I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do. Many flash thoughts, my kids, my parent,I was definately going to die. It’s an irony how you wear a clothe for too long, you begin to despise it and then the moment the better half of the dress has being ripped off and it’s time to discard, you start realising the dress actually meant more to you than you cared to admit. Suddenly a life with Collins was looking bleak, I couldn’t even imagine it.

“you wanted to feel young right, I m a bit too old for you? You just realised that…..no problem. Dont let me stop you, please keep satisfying your curiosity, I hope it’s worth it” he couldn’t hide the pain in his voice nor the sadness in his eyes. I don’t know how we would come out of this I had hurt his innermost feeling.

“I don’t know what happened to me….It wasn’t worth hurting you like this…please believe me I was confuse, I just felt I needed more from you”

“more what Cassie? More sex, attention, or was it money?”

“it’s not sex and you know it”

“so it was for the money? How much was it worth? How much did he pay to fuck you all night?”

“it’s not a….”I didn’t finish before his hand struck my face real hard. He finally did it, that slap was long overdue.

“shut the fuck up..”he screamed as he threw me far from him. I landed on the bed but not before another glass sliced my bare feet. Tears ran from my eyes down to the corner of my mouth. I felt something stretched between us like a wire, alive with current, taut, ready to snap, the look in his eyes was scary.

I shook my head , begging him not to go His breathe was fast his fist clenched. He was fighting back his tears “I don’t want you here when I get back”he walked away without looking back. I lay there sprawled like a lifeless chicken, eyes lost in the empty doorway, sad, peering, as if I had no place in the whole world to go. I could hear the crash of a table in the living room as if it was overturned, then the bang of the sitting room door reverberated through the house, he was gone, I had lost him.

I crumpled to the floor writhing in pain, and that was when I saw it , there was blood everywhere. In that instant I started to feel faint. The room was spinning around me, my heart was beating so fast and I could hear my inner voice screaming.”this is death coming for me” I thought

With the little strength left in me I managed a loud scream”sugarbabyyyyy”praying he would hear me. I felt like life was sliping slowly away from me, and suddenly I started to wet my pant. How quickly we learn the meaning of fear.