Review

Review Summary: House Boat vs. Snobbery, a fight to the death. Round 2

I have something important to talk about: punk rock is ruining my life. Let me try to explain by talking about Carl’s Jr. (how else?). Carl’s Jr. is what a punk rock album would be if it were a restaurant (I authoritatively concluded 23 seconds ago). For one, you don’t take your date there, it’s more of a guilty pleasure, and you don’t want to stay for long, because that homeless meth head forgot he already begged you for money and he’s coming back again. Also, being a fast food chain, there’s very little variety that’s worth exploring anyway. You know what this *** is going to taste like-it’s going to taste like every other goddamn burger joint, but goddamn it’s going to taste so good (especially with that sauce). Maybe that’s mostly because you get to your food fast, I don’t want to sit down and wait, what kind of attention span do you think I have? After a few years of this my blood-gross burgerfat level is permanently around .37 and my blood-bacon level is even higher, I’m about to have a stroke and at the hospital I will be diagnosed with diabetes. It was still better than going to Olive Garden. Ok, basically I just suck at analogies and I’m hungry. What I need is a catchy chorus running through my head ASAP even though I know how rewarding sitting through something like Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Whatever can be, but seriously Godspeed! just needs to cool it and try writing a two minute punk song about going to Carl’s Jr., giving money to the homeless guy and skipping your math lab to get wasted and then showing up to your math lab late anyway and throwing up your bacon deluxe on the floor, and after the second chorus, there’s a bridge with a slight build-up and then the last chorus comes in, this time with back up “woooaaaoooo’s”…then I would listen to them more often.

So anyway, I have been dealing with this suppression of my musical standards and then BAM, the new House Boat album drops out of nowhere with intentions of destroying pretentiousness once and for all. I’m so screwed. Ok, just a reminder, House Boat are a pop punk supergroup comprised of members of the best bands in the genre (The Steinways, Dear Landlord, The Ergs!). Being such studs, they are talented enough to push the envelope and don’t be surprised to hear one and two-part vocal harmonies and the guitarist possibly strumming the same note over and over. Continuing the theme in the first paragraph, The Thorns of Life is a burger with bacon, hamburger, ham, turkey, chicken, is sopping wet, contains 15 shot of caffeine and whiskey, 20,000 calories, and tastes like French Vanilla. Every song is uber super catchy all the way through and works its way into that sweet spot after only a few listens. Grath’s vocals are pure sex. You’ll find that each song is relatable, that is if you are hopeless, pessemistic and pathetic enough. Some lines from the first verse in “Throwing in Those Weird Chords Did Wonders for The Copyrights and Dopamines” show what to expect:

I quit quitting smoking
I am old and unemployed
My band mates all live in Alaska
I barely exist and my life is void
I’m sort of bored at parties so let’s hang out and pretend we feel alive

This isn’t necessarily an album to sulk to though. Even with a few songs where they actually try to slow things down, they execute them perfectly. The last song is a straight up ballad and desperate plea to whomever it’s addressed to and will break your heart. It’s like totally inspiring and stuff. And if I tell you there’s less music than filler on the last Tool album that isn’t a bad thing. There isn’t a track you’ll skip. Especially the Baha Men cover. But whatever, you’re going to listen to this once and rate it a 2.5 or a 3. Which is fine, it distinctly separates the lame from the rad. Try not being so lame. Robertsona would rate this a 2.

if punk rock is like carls jr. i only like pop-punk when its the criss-cut fries that come with my guacamole bacon emo burger. still worth a listen if my idea of pop-punk is that song kj jammin by snowing?