March 2009

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Following reports of the murders that took place in Jonathan Vilma's Long Island home, executives for the NFL have already come out to express their joy, saying that even if the Saints linebacker were out scoring blow that night, and possibly even slapping up a bitch while doing so, they'd still be "pretty giddy" given the circumstances.

Most executives also agreed that if it turned out Vilma was just the murderer's driver, they'd still likely be "somewhat giddy", and at the very least "kinda giddy."

Thursday, March 26, 2009

So, the great Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods has come back from knee surgery and with April approaching, we are being treated to promos for the golfing war hero's upcoming appearance at the Masters. Yay. Yippie.

It's as though this is the biggest news since the Super Bowl, only one problem, he doesn’t play a sport, he has simply honed a particular skill that has netted him hundreds of millions of dollars. Good for Tiger. Kudos. We wish his courageous fucking knee well.

But for all you fucknuts who think golf is a sport, you are fucking idiots, plain and simple. I play golf (sure I use femur bones as clubs and frozen heads for golf balls), but still, I play. It's a fun hobby that gets you outside for a few hours, but a sport? I don’t think so. Let’s look at the facts.

Craig Stadler and John Daly are not only professional golfers, they both have won multiple tournaments and grand slam tournaments. Now, without calling them fat fucks, we can all safely say the word "athlete" doesn’t come to mind when their names are mentioned.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Thanks to 3-for-18 shooting on the grand stage of the NCAA tournament, the soothing sounds of David Stern's first round voice have suddenly and tragically switched to the eery, haunting auras of Russ Granik and Adam Silver.

It sure will be interesting to see what Patriots quarterback Kyle Brady can do with Marshall Faulk in the backfield and the always dangerous Santana Moss running deep routes. Should be a sick year for the New England Revolution.

Dick Towel? Dick Towel!

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