(I missed a few weeks, I was in squirrel rehab. It didn't work. Don’t judge me.)

St. Louis Rams at Pittsburgh Steelers
Remember when the Steelers had a competent offense? Neither do I. Luckily, they’re playing the Rams. Steelers by 10.

Arizona Cardinals at Cincinnati Bengals
Birds make me want to eat them, and cats make me want to eat them, too. Maybe I could stuff a cat with a bird – like a Turducken with a built in squeaker. A dog can dream. Cards in OT.

New York Giants at New York Jets
I don’t understand ­– they’re the same team. They’re both underachieving whiners from New York who play at New Jersey’s MetLife Stadium. Mediocrity by 20.

Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts
Nothing good comes from Texas, but nothing good comes from this year’s Colts, either. Colts by 8.

Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens used to be the Browns, but the Ravens left and Cleveland hasn’t had a team since. Sucks to be Cleveland. Ravens win big.

San Francisco Forty-Niners at Seattle Seahawks
Pete Carroll looks like he has a squirrel on his head, and I hate squirrels on people’s heads. But, Jim Harbaugh looks like John Harbaugh, and I hate John Harbaugh more than I hate squirrels on people’s heads. Squirrel Head by default.

Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs
Raiders gave up the future for Carson Palmer, the Chiefs got Orton for nothing. Same old Raiders. I’d quote something about Romeo and Shakespeare, but I’m a dog – I don’t do Elizabethan literature. Chiefs by 20.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Tennessee Titans
These teams suck so bad they give out Zoloft with their season tickets. Titans by 10 – the number of fans at the game.

Miami Tasty Fish at New England Patriots
The Patriots actually have a decent defense, but it’s hidden in Vince Wilfork’s belly rolls. You know what else will be stuck in there? The Dolphins' quarterback. Patriots by 25.

Denver Broncos at Buffalo Bills
I get buffalo bones from the farmers market. The Bronco defense will get theirs at Ralph Wilson Stadium. Tasty. Denver by 1.

Minnesota Vikings at Washington Redskins
The Vikings may be the only team that wishes they had Rex Grossman. Orakpo will make them pay for coveting his not-quite-competent quarterback. Washington by 5.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers
There are two kinds of good cats – dead ones and ones that get to play the Buccaneers. Panthers by 10.

San Diego Chargers at Detroit Lions
Norv Turner will beat the Lions this week, the Raiders next week and win a playoff game. This is bad for the Chargers, because Norv will keep his job.

Sorry, sorry. Yeah, Tico's a black lab - mostly. He's a black lab/german shepherd mix. The only thing I know for certain is that he's a hungry dog...always. He was a stray in the woods of Central PA before the local shelter picked him up and sent him to the DC shelter where we got him.

He says he used to hang out with Hines Ward and James Harrison. I don't know if I believe him - he's less than reliable.

Sorry, sorry. Yeah, Tico's a black lab - mostly. He's a black lab/german shepherd mix. The only thing I know for certain is that he's a hungry dog...always. He was a stray in the woods of Central PA before the local shelter picked him up and sent him to the DC shelter where we got him.

He says he used to hang out with Hines Ward and James Harrison. I don't know if I believe him - he's less than reliable.