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Pre-Rendered Welcome!

Hello, Judge Zarbi, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left...Not that far, dammit! ...Yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for nooblets:

Uncyclopedia:Chat - Follow the instructions here to come to the Uncyclopedia IRC channel.

I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your username, a link to your userpage, the date, and your social security number. Really, there are only two rules, just make sure you take a brief look at them.

If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or add the following: {{help}} to this page along with a message and someone who cares will come along and help you if they can. Additionally, the Uncyclopedian Adopt-a-Noob program is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. Simply put {{adoptme}} on your Userpage to join--but you might want to go and actively ask someone from here, or you might not be noticed. Again, welcome to the machine!

The balloon welcomes you!

Now, being less formal, you will see the above message in a lot of users' talk page. However, that does not mean this is an automated message. Really, I had to click on your user talk, copy-paste this stuff, and submit it with my own fleshy finger. Now, some personal non-official advice:

You may think some stuff that appears everywhere here is cool, like Oscar Wilde, Chuck Norris, Kitten Huffing, Russian Reversal, and Mr. T. Those things are completely overused and not really funny anymore. Among us sophisticated intelligentsia, we call this phenomenon cliché. Whatever, these subjects are worn out, near death, and in dire need of being huffed. Just please don't mention them unless you have a very, very good reason. Or if it's funny. And I mean funny.

Another thing we veterans hate is Random Humor. Don't put chicken from Mars in an article about George Washington. You can put it in an article about, well, Chicken from Mars. That's it.

Humor is a subtle subject. People will tell you that talking about excretes is just bad taste - count me among them - and others will find this kind of stuff the pinnacle of subversive irony. Just stay calm, have a good look at HTBFANJS, and try to learn what works best. No one here will ban you as long as you don't impose your non-conformist ideas on already created stuff.

Start pages in userspace, first. By that, I mean if you wanted to create a page called "Flappy woo-ha," instead of creating the page Flappy woo-ha, create User:Judge Zarbi/Flappy woo-ha. That way, you'll have plenty of time to work on it and it won't be deleted or ICU'd. You can start a page in mainspace, just make damn sure what you put there is long enough and funny enough to not get huffed.

Never recreate a deleted article. Never redo a reverted edit. Never.

There are a lot of links I just put on your page. This is the most important one.

Hi Mr. Judge Sir

Thanks for signing my guest book! And if we ever meet in court...could you be a bit, ya know, er...lenient on me? Just between you and me? Yeh, remember the name, it's Mr. Emily Yettie. -[07:50 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

Thanks. I hope you don't mind, but I've invited a few of my friends round for the night. Well not a few, but one... if he turns up you'll see he's the equivalent of around 12.5 people. -[10:14 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

Ok, but what I don't understand is how you can be the equivalent of 12.5 people. JudgeZarbiTALK 10:16, 1 September 2008 (UTC)

Well he's not equivalent to 12 people and he's not equivalent to 13 people, thus he's equivalent to 12.5 people. Well actually, 12.48, but I rounded it up. -[10:24 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

That's not a nice thing to say about Hv, you know how sensitive he is. You'll make him cry again. SKSirOrian57TalkRotM10:36 1 September 2008

I only did that once, and that time he deserved it, cause he was trying to pull me teddy bear's head off. -[10:46 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

TEA PARTY!! I wanna do the slutty teanage daughter and you can do the vicar who's come round for tea. And Zarbi can do the parents. Isn't this going to be sexually fun? -[11:03 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

Oh noes. No more orgies for me. The last one I was at was a disater, there was cum all over the wall paper and in the punch. Cum all in the new shagpile rug. Cum in the oven. Cum on the tables. Cum all over the white wash walls. cum in down the back of teh furniture. Everywhere there was seamen. But no, I'll just end up having to clean it up and it just isn't worth it. SKSirOrian57TalkRotM11:11 1 September 2008

*blushes* Please, not in front of the noob! -[11:13 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

Hope you don't mind, but I heard the party from over there, and couldn't help myself... Anyone got a bag of peanuts? it sounds like penis! --Mr. Lavrenti"Digits"Hex 11:15, 1 September 2008 (UTC)

Yeh, I'm trying to start a party here. *passes the peanuts* Invite everyone you know! His parents aren't back for a week, so rock out! Who wants to play "piss on expensive shit"? *grabs peantuts back and pisses on them and then hands them back*. -[11:19 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

Piss on the expensive shit? Ok *unzips jeans and pisses on Yettie devaluing him by roughly £60 an hour* SKSirOrian57TalkRotM11:26 1 September 2008

What the fuck? Dude, £60 an hour?? In like a year I'll only be worth like £1030! Your horrible bastard. Hey Judge, do you see this? Right here? Can you have this bad man locked up for a very long time, please? -[12:18 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

You mean like in a place where you get fed three times a day hot water, and a cosy bed with a nice strong man? Sounds good. SKSirOrian57TalkRotM12:29 1 September 2008

OMG, Al Orianapone has even bribed the prison cells! The stinking criminal! I hate the MAFIA, it's ruined so many lives. Aw crap. -[12:50 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

Erm. I didn't bribe them. I prefer it when they're rough with me. SKSirOrian57TalkRotM12:55 1 September 2008

What? Boxxing wouldn't be any fun the oponent just gave in. SKSirOrian57TalkRotM13:16 1 September 2008

BoXing wouldn't be any fun, either, if the opponent had a chainsaw. -[13:20 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

Oh fuck off. another thing that wouldn't be fun if chainsaws were involved would be fencing. Actually know it would more fun. SKSirOrian57TalkRotM13:22 1 September 2008

For the sake of saving Yettie, go screw yourself Orian. And if you're going to argue with Yettie, GO DO IT SOME OTHER PLACE. JudgeZarbiTALK 13:26, 1 September 2008 (UTC)

Oh yeah, and Yettie, I'm not a noob. I know how this place works quite well. JudgeZarbiTALK 13:27, 1 September 2008 (UTC)

Oh what is this? You're new bit on teh side? Trust me nobody is more jealous than me. Also it showed you up as an IP don't forget to sign in even if you use your sig. SKSirOrian57TalkRotM13:28 1 September 2008

If you're jealous, go jack off with your user page. And I just realised I didn't sign in. JudgeZarbiTALK 13:30, 1 September 2008 (UTC)

Zarbi, ancient Uncyclopedia ritual law states that anyone younger than three months should be considered "N00BSTUFF" and by extension a n00b. Don't take it personally, n00bing out isn't too bad. Everyone used to be a n00b, don't try and end your n00bhood too early. Although you may be a clever n00b. Also, I have a plan, Mr Judge. You make Orian close his eyes. And then I unzip my fly and say to him "I've got a surprise for you to suck on" and then I stick cow excrement up his nose and down his mouth. Now that, that, is pure style. -[13:33 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

No, jacking off to my userpage would be extreame vanity. However if you mean Under my matress then Ok. And do remember not to take us too seriously we're just mucking about. [EC] Fuck you Yettie you creep. [EC] Fuck you lots. SKSirOrian57TalkRotM13:35 1 September 2008

Yettie: I came here March 9th. I believe it somewhat more than 3 months. Orian: Go do that, and close your eyes so me and Yettie can carry out our plan. JudgeZarbiTALK 13:37, 1 September 2008 (UTC)

Hey, Orian, you're dumped. Me and Zarbi are an item now. And how am I a creep?? MARCH the 9th, eh? -[13:38 1 September]SirFStDonYettie

*shrug* You'll be back sooner or later. SKSirOrian57TalkRotM13:42 1 September 2008

Important Mafia Business!

Dear Mafioso, Important Mafia Changes Have Taken Place!

Hello-a there, fellow killers and maimartists, this is your Don, here. I'd just-a like to tell you that we've had a little jumble up on the Family ladder of honour. The Russian "Digits" has been granted the special title of "Capo Bastone". "Dotnot" and "Grieve" have been made "Capo Bastone Delegato", and will be working closely with Digits as his assistants. A full list of their permissions can be found here.
-- C.B.D.C.R. "Grieve" Tenenbaum 18:23, 7 September 2008 (UTC)

Sig

Are you having troubles with your sig? I jsut noticed your edit summary... Can I help? -[11:38 20 September]SirFStDonYettie

I think I've got it now, I had forgotten to tick the raw signature box on the preferences and I'd forgotten to use the nosubst template. Thanks anyway though. JudgeZarbiTALK 11:39, 20 September 2008 (UTC)

I'm going to warn you now, I'm going to move them to a Template namespace page, and I'll categorise them with a new category. Yours will be Template:RT, if you have any objections after that, move it to what you want.

QVFD is only for pages less than a week old, and it's only for microstubs (i.e. less than a paragraph), blatant vanity, and copy-pastes from Wikipedia or elsewhere. If you think something needs improvement - but again is less than a week old - read up on ICU. –SirSkullthumper,MD(criticize•writings• SU&W) 22:51 Oct 11, 2008

A lot of the shit I just added there was from months ago. I know well how ICU works. JudgeZarbiTALK 22:53, 11 October 2008 (UTC)

Sig + Categories

Hi there Judge, firstly one of your sigs breask the size standard: UN:SIG - with the categorizing its would be easeir for me to leave those due to the way th system updates, it's a bit of a one man job; now you left a few out, if your keen to do it (though the need is lacking) please amke sure you do the lot or leave it to me (very much my preference) Thanks:) — SirSycamore(talk) 08:21, 12 October 2008 (UTC)

I'm sure that you've already been told, but when putting a page on VFD, don't forget to put {{VFD}} on the page that you're putting on VFD. Every time you fail to do this thing that I mentioned earlier, an old person falls down and breaks their hip. SirModusoperandiBoinc! 21:24, 12 October 2008 (UTC)

I did on two of the pages, but Maine Page was fully protected, and I don't believe I am an admin. JudgeZarbiTALK 17:35, 13 October 2008 (UTC)

Have you tried believing that you're an admin? That might help. SirModusoperandiBoinc! 17:40, 13 October 2008 (UTC)

About my Pee Review

I have a quick question about the Pee Review you did for Gameboy Micro. You said something about the second picture not visible, but I can see it on my computer. There is definitely a picture there and I am worried that it was simply someone couldn't see one of the images that brought down the overall score of my article (I figure if you could see it then my images score would probably be at least a 6, and that would bring up the misc score too, bringing it closer to were I expected.) could you please look again if you get a chance? If you still don't see it, I will see if I can find the image online that I used. Thanks Pirate Lord__Sonic80(Yell • Latest literary excretion)__ 20:33, 13 October 2008 (UTC)

Sorry about putting your score down for the invisible second image, but it could just be firefox. If you show me the image online, I'll re-review it accordingly for you. Sorry again, JudgeZarbiTALK 20:35, 13 October 2008 (UTC)

What about you? I don't see anyone nomming you for WotM. It's probably cos you smell. SKSirOrian57TalkRotM18:22 14 October 2008

I don't see anyone nomming me for UotM either. That's because nobody cares about me. I'm not going to get it. JudgeZarbiTALK 18:25, 14 October 2008 (UTC)

Talking of UotM!! Someone needs to nom me for that shitttt!!! Cause like yeah, then it would be 5 in a row...I don't want to win. Just be nommed. *sniffle* And I'd like to thank my mum and my dog... -[18:28 14 October]SirFStDonYettie

Quick note

On Trash Yettie Stuff day you can trash any Yettie page, it doesn't matter if u trash that template or not. Orian can put his dirty, spiteful comments wherever he likes :) -[19:56 16 October]SirFStDonYettie

Say goodbye to any articles you were making then... JudgeZarbiTALK 19:57, 16 October 2008 (UTC)

He doesn't even know what the mafia is!JudgeZarbiTALK 18:08, 26 October 2008 (UTC)

Well, that makes it all the more amusing for the n00b now doesn't it? I've never seen so many interesting sigs on any Wiki. Meh, must be the enjoyable atmosphere. Colonel Marksman 18:44, 26 October 2008 (UTC)

This place is teh humour wiki! We all have fun here, even if you don't write articles! JudgeZarbiTALK 18:45, 26 October 2008 (UTC)

Thanks

I know most users wouldn't usually reply to the automated message, though, from what I gather, there is nothing 'usual' about Uncylopedia. Seems like a great community and I can't wait to actually edit articles with my user instead of an ever changing IP. I'm off to the adopt-a-noob program.
Thanks once again.

Jamekae 12:44, 27 October 2008 (UTC) (if you could teach me how to create a sig that'd be rather awesome.)

Well, I'd love the text to be a burgundy shade, preferably accompanied by an Australian flag. Since I'm not acquainted with which fonts I can have may I use your type? And, I'm sorry if there is an application or anything but yeah, would you adopt me?

Thanks, much appreciated. The small capital letters please. Are there any articles you recommend I cleanup? I just did Kevin Rudd because it was really poorly structured, though I feared to do to much at my new age in case of being labeled a vandal. Cheers once again.

Ok, I'll check out some of those articles then, I'll add you on MSN. Thanks for all your help. Jamekae 13:08, 27 October 2008 (UTC)