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For the second time in history, the price of a 30-second Super Bowl spot has decreased. For the low, low price of $2.5 million, you too could have your own half-minute of countrywide fame. Naturally this got me to thinking what I would do with that gilded time allotment on February 7.

FADE IN:

INT. A WOOD-PANELED ROOM – NIGHT

A distinguished man sits in a cushy leather chair, reading. A roaring fire emanates from a gargantuan fireplace casting a warm glow on the wall of books behind him. The man is Will Ferrell and he is portraying James Lipton.

PHONY JAMES LIPTON

WHY, HELLO. I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

Phony Lipton sets down his book (something light and breezy, like The Merchant of Venice) and gazes directly into camera.

PHONY JAMES LIPTON

I LIKE TO RELAX AND UNWIND.

He sips from his Smithsonian coffee mug and saunters to the window.

PHONY JAMES LIPTON

AND WITH ALEXANDRA477, I CAN DO THAT WHENEVER I SEE FIT. UNLESS I'M STARRING IN AN IMPORTANT MOVING PICTURE, OF COURSE.