If I Was The Royal Wedding Planner…

Let’s face facts. That so called wedding yesterday was an abomination. What a terrible omen for the marriage of two seemingly nice people. If Britain still beheads people, whoever was the captain of that Titanic-esque disaster should be beheaded immediately. If I’m Harry, I insist on dropping the axe myself and presenting the offending head to my beloved Meghan so she can kick it across the Windsor Castle garden. Too much? I contend that the Royal Wedding was too little. Too little of everything. Talk about a snooze-fest! If that ceremony is remembered in history, it will be remembered as the most boring royal wedding ever.

Yes, I’m sure my U.K. friends, if I still have any left this far into my rant, will say that I’m just the stereotypical “ugly American” that doesn’t understand the pomp, circumstance, and traditions of English royalty. Well guess what my tea tipping friends, part of your royalty is now American. A few suspicious “accidents” and Meghan, Duchess of Suitsssex is your new Queen. If you’re going to let Americans into the monarchy, we might as well put our feet up and get comfortable. So here is how I would have planned the Royal Wedding:

Prince Harry’s Arrival: Dude showed up in a car like a commoner. Are you kidding me? You’re a fecking Prince! That is a lame arrival. A Prince needs to show up at his wedding on a giant white stallion that’s breathing fire. That’s what the chicks want to see. Seriously, what other way is there to announce yourself? I do give Harry props for inviting a couple ex-girlfriends. That’s a ballsy move.

Meghan’s Arrival: In a car with your mom? Boo hoo. How sweet! YAWN. Meghan, you’re an American! Arrive at your wedding like one! If I’m the wedding planner, Meghan parachutes onto the Windsor Castle grounds with her 100 foot train trailing behind her in the air. That, Meghan, is a badass move that would never be forgotten. That’s like legendary Disney Princess shit.

The Bishop: It’s hard to pick any problems with Reverend Michael Curry’s speech. It was pretty damn historic and spectacularly delivered. (He actually comes from my area of New York.) One of the best I’ve ever seen. I’d definitely keep the Dr. Martin Luther King speech, but… before he brings in MLK, I think he should have opened with historic words from another member of American royalty. A Prince in fact:

“Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life. It means forever and that’s a mighty long time,but I’m here to tell you there’s something else”

And then the choir bursts into the chorus! Oh no! Let’s Go! BOOM. Mic drop. That would have kicked off that ceremony with authority. Am I right?

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The Queen and Prince Philip: OK, who dressed the Queen? You know that at 147 years old that she didn’t dress herself. Really? Electric lime green? That’s the color you chose for the Queen Mum? And why does Prince Philip always look like he has two black eyes? Apparently when they’re getting kinky in the bedroom he likes it rough. One of those bruises was in the shape of a crown imprint.

The Guest List: Sure, it’s fine that Meghan invited all of her Suits friends. You’ve always got to invite co-workers don’t you? It’s not like she ran off to Vegas. They all knew she was getting married, so there was no way around it. But why were Oprah and George Clooney there? Seriously. If I’m able to invite anyone in the world, it’s not going to be Clooney and Oprah. Boring. I’m definitely going with Kanye. I hate Kanye as much as everyone else, but I’d be on the edge of my seat the whole time waiting to see when he’s going to grab the mic to declare something ridiculous. And Peter Dinklage. He should be in everything.

I could go on, but I don’t want this to be as long as the Royal Wedding coverage. Have a great Sunday everyone! ~ Prince Philip (the American one)

Gee Phil, you’ve just ruined your chances of getting a knighthood and a duchy in some long-gone county in nethermost Scotland. Thankfully for your sake and good name, I have the Queen’s ear. (You can bid for it on eBay).