Dave my experience is very different from yours but the end result sounds like it was the same. I longed for a male identity whatever that meant. I had no real male role model and I grew up desperately wanting to be male but thought that sex was the way to get close to males. I was attracted to straight looking/acting guys and wanted to be like them and it all got messed up once we became friends. It took a long time for me to figure it out but for me what I came to is that I am attracted to men but it is the male type that I want. I am not really interested in the sex. It is being close and being accepted as another man that I really want. I was prostituting my body for this vague idea of acceptance and approval. The affirmation that I too am a man and will be accepted as such. This of course is what I should have gotten from my dad but never did. It all got mixed up with sex and screwed the hell out of my sexual identity. I am much happier married to my wife now. Much happier being a father. and Much happier with Good male friends. Sadly it took 55 years to get here.

Thanks for your feedback Freedom. I too did not have a strong male identity in the family - father had a stroke at age 40 and was left paralyzed on one side of his body. My mother had to look after him, she belittled him and I think that with my submissive behavior I became a surrogate husband at some level for her. It is interesting whenever I feel an urge to be with a male - it is very strong - I think that this is my libidinal energy raging to be accepted - and as you say it has nothing to do with the sex - but because it is male libidinal energy that is driving it - you get all confused - at least this is what I am thinking at the moment. When we do have these moments I think that it is important to ask ourselves what is it that we want to gain? We can go there - be confused, guilty, ashamed, depressed etc. - virtually an empty negative experience - but the deeper questions need to be answered - not am I gay or Bi but rather what are you looking to find or gain from the experience - there is always a perceived gain behind our actions - what is the perceived gain here? Being honest with oneself is difficult amidst all of the the confusion - but I find if I allow it in that I am seeking to connect with the male side of my being - the urgency and intensity seem to soften and abate - to me this is saying that the deeper me is looking to connect with the other half of my being - interesting but confusing - cheers D

Ken,That last paragraph really spoke to me. I have realized over the years that my acting out with males in my opinion, was indeed a way of returning to the trauma. Hoping to control it and understand it. Hoping to find in it what ever it was that I was hoping for which I think was to connect with my father on some level that I was denied in other means. I am no longer acting out with other males in my life and have a few good friends now but still no one close and I wonder if I will ever have a close male friend that will meet that need now that it is no longer sexual in its manifestation.

I think you have garnered a lot of respect and trust among a vast number of men here at M.S. I certainly would like you to know you have mine. You might find this strange but; it's taken me a great many years to finally step out of my safety zone. And perhaps for the first time in my life I can confidently admit that I could honestly sit down and converse with you face to face for hours about my past. This admission does not come easy for me. Not in the least. I've struggled for three long arduous decades trying to find my identity. Gang-rape in the most brutal of circumstances has played immense havoc on this search for my identity most of my life.

Some people may oddly question how the hell does a six foot three, 250lb stature of a man who was been heterosexual in the strictest sense become Androphobic and adopt an Asexual personality into his psyche ?Not something I could easily explain in a simple paragraph.I appreciate you opening this thread and wish you success in your new book.

Edited by jcf1957 (06/24/0807:21 AM)

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No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Re; the book, I heard a couple days ago that the potential publisher I would most like to have involvement with is looking at it today. I will let everyone know when it is accepted. Thanks for the compliments and I hope things work out with you. If you ever move down here, I'd love to work with you.

Sans LogosMemberMaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5793
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...

i don't know guys, for myself, the tendency to label ourselves as sexually one way or the other seems to be attempt to adjust ourselves to our duly assigned social roles. sexuality is mercurial, not an either/or issue. we may well lie closer to one end of the spectrum or another, but my experience of sexuality is that it rails along a continuum between the two polarities.

again, here is an occasion to note how we attempt in this society to adjust ourselves according to the prevailing notion of who and how we 'should' be.

we keep trying to put ourselves into these boxes and end up driving ourselves crazy in the process.

i was abused between the ages of 6 and 17yrs old, and after i had the courage to face my fears, i checked out "COURAGE TO HEAL",(for women),from the local library. i looked back in the other resources section and found a book called,VICTIMS NO LONGER,(for men). i ordered it,and it was delivered by u.s. mail, i didn't know what i was doing at that point, rushed home, tore the package open, and began a quest. i couldn't figure out what this question was,but i felt compelled to answer it...

and finally darkness turned into light after pouring through the pages,and taking notes along the way.

on the last page of this journal, i covered the page I AM NOT GAY,I FOUND THE ANSWER. and i, UNDERLINED IT THREE TIME'S.

for me this was a riddle i had to figure out before my healing could begin.

please be at peace with what you find. there is no shame. you are what you are.i believe, there is no greater gift than knowing oneself.

1islandboy (GREAT IDEA, YOU GUY'S ROCK)

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Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

Hi Brothers,Well I had some thoughts about this while I was being abused, I remember "wrestling" with another boy while I was in a Catholic orphanage/home, we also played strip poker, we also took great interest in each others peinises. there were 55-60 boys there.I remember me and my cousin (mutually) masturbating together and each other as kids, and maybe into other areas. It gave me some concern as to just which way I was heading, luckily this might just have been "kids stuff" "Boys stuff".

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