"I'm going to come back to West Virginia when this is over. There's something ancient and deeply-rooted in my soul. I like to think that I have left my ghost up one of those hollows, and I'll never really be able to leave for good until I find it. And I don't want to look for it, because I might find it and have to leave".----Breece D'J Pancake, in a letter to his mother.

Anne Leigh Parrish’s Our
Love Could Light The World introduces us to the Dugans, a family in Upstate
New York who seem fated to permanent misfortune. Mrs. Lavinia Dugan, who always assumes “the
worst,” goes to work each day to support her five children and their dog
Thaddeus. Her husband, Mr. Potter Dugan can’t work, since he slipped a disc in
his back. Instead he spends his days alternating between a pain that ranges
“from annoying to agonizing,” and occasionally calling on his sister, Patty
Dugan in Montana to come help out with the kids. In the twelve stories of
Parrish’s linked collection, the Dugans try to better their own lives through a
series of relational connections and breakages that uncannily resonate with our
own experiences, as these characters attempt to learn the value of emotional
honesty.

Repurposing common themes, Parrish reinvigorates the saga of
a large family’s fracturing. In
“Trouble” the oldest Dugan daughter Angie has to leave her mother, and stay
with her Aunt Patty under ambiguously sinister circumstances that cannot simply
be placed under the umbrella of sexual awakening. While in “The Sorrow of the Country,” Potter
Dugan’s zeal for the renovation of his childhood home begins (and ends) with
his own desire for a second chance that he knows will never be his. However,
it’s in the titular “Our Love Could Light The World,” when we are introduced to
the Dugans: all of their infighting, their rivalries, and their many
heartbreaks, that affirms our own universal anxiety over the chronically unmet
expectation.

Rendered with a precise balance of wit and mercy, the ballad
of the Dugans presents Parrish as a sympathetic reporter on the family’
affairs, while keeping saccharine pity at bay.
In truth, the Dugans could be any family. Each member’s refracting
pieces of their lives into narrative shows how our messiest and most intimate
stories could be superimposed onto part of the Dugan’s lives, and we would fit
right in.

What is wonderful about Parrish’s work in Our Love is the graceful arrangement of
such perfectly imperfect characters within the immediacy of each story. To the
end (in the viscerally heartbreaking “Lavinia,”) Parrish depicts the human
impulse to do what is right, even if we mask it as wanting to satisfy a
transient desire. That conflict between pretense and morality reveals the
beauty of her prose, and mirrors our experience reading it.

On February 7th
of this year, Charles Dickens would have celebrated his 201st
birthday. Three years ago, I walked
through the Charles Dickens Museum House in London with my mother, who picked
up a bobble-head of the man himself for my desk. My mom also bought a teapot
with a scene from David Copperfield on the body, so my aunt sewed a tea cozy
shaped like a tiny English cottage to put over it. She put snippets of laundry
dangling from the sides, and covered the quilted walls with embroidered
flowers. After that visit, Charles
Dickens became like a family friend, and an inspiration for our popular fabric
arts - or at least an excuse for such artwork to exist.

I
consider myself an academic writer by trade.
My first real forays into writing creatively only occurred within the
last two years. My doctoral dissertation contends with women’s behavior and
manners in the conduct books of the eighteenth century, and I am trying to
balance that with how women wanted to write about themselves, beyond what they
were taught. Sometimes, the most
annoying part of writing in both fields is learning the languages. Both genres,
creative and academic, have their own slang, or jargon. Now it’s “write what you know” instead of
letting the “subaltern speak,” and finding a “trigger” instead of finding a
thesis. Of course, in creative writing
there is the slightly more interesting question: “why?” As opposed to “what’s
at stake?” But both questions get to the heart of the matter pretty easily.

***

My
mother and I were on a mission to find the heart of Charles Dickens in London
that day. In the early years of his marriage, the family had a four-storey
Georgian Townhouse at 48 Doughty Street in London, England. Since 1925, it has been the site of London’s
Charles Dickens Museum. I was traveling
alone with my mother, tramping through the quieter streets, away from the Tube
station and the downtown shops, while my father and brother wandered the city
on a pub-crawl. We visited the rooms
where Dickens and his young family lived, and saw his old writing desk, meticulously
disordered, displaying his blue ink and robin’s egg colored blotting paper (his
favorite drafting materials). We visited
the bedroom where his seventeen-year-old sister-in-law, Mary Hogarth, had died
in Dickens’s arms in 1837. Mary, some
critics argue, was the great love of Dickens’s life and the inspiration (or
“trigger”) for the sweet, naïve, and devout young women at the heart of most
Dickens fiction. The “Angel of the
House” as scholars would later call her, became the touchstone of Victorian
fiction, and her eternally chaste body would become the lynchpin where later
feminist theorists would begin their freak-out over the repressed domestic
damsels that birthed popular Victorian culture.

Of
course, as any writer would tell you, the question remains why? Why Mary?
Dickens had loved other women, one of whom, Maria Beadnell, he was prevented
from marrying in his youth due to his lack of social status and the economic
constraints of his first job as a legal clerk. However, Mary Hogarth died
young, and unlike all of the women in Dickens’s life who were blessed with
longevity, she did not live to disappoint him, as Dickens’s wife and daughters
did. Even Maria Beadnell, who Dickens
met again, many years after their failed engagement, had turned into a pudgy,
frivolous creature with an insipid laugh, (and the inspiration for Flora Casby
Finching in his later novel, Little
Dorrit). Mary Hogarth also did not live to become a mother. Therefore, her
body remained perpetually a capsule of sexual potential. Morbid? Maybe. Perverted? Sure. Victorian? Absolutely.

The plaques on the
walls of the Dickens museum hinted that the most beloved author of British
fiction clearly had a type of woman who fascinated him. After separating from
Catherine Hogarth in 1858 (divorce would have been unheard of for a person with
Dickens’s fame) he fell in love with the eighteen-year-old actress Ellen
Ternan. Dickens was forty-six. He would continue this relationship until the
end of his life in 1870. Perhaps he did not live long enough for Ellen to
disappoint him, or maybe she did not have him in her life for long enough to be
disappointed herself.

***

The house on Doughty
Street seemed so small to me, and I was disappointed as I walked though. I told my mother that I couldn’t imagine all
of Dickens’s children packed into such a space.
Our family gatherings usually consist of far fewer children, and they
were chaotic enough in bigger houses. But then a curator reminded me that
Dickens’s family was young and still growing when he and his wife and
sister-in-law lived there, and they only lived there full-time for about two
and a half years. Eventually fame, fortune, and the ten children that Catherine
Hogarth would birth during their marriage would move the Dickens family toward
a much grander establishment. This was before he separated from his wife, and
moved his young mistress to a house in Kent, called Gad’s Hill. Seven of
Dickens’s children would survive to adulthood, to continue to annoy and
disappoint their father. He said they
all had their mother’s compliant nature, and lacked spirit, fire, or
passion--traits which he obviously thought that he possessed in abundance.

Most of the three
storeys of the Dickens house—not withstanding the famous room that Mary Hogarth
died in--have been turned into museum exhibits, with original copies of
Dickens’s drafts under glass. Signs for
“NO PHOTOGRAPHY” were politely posted every twenty feet or so, and my camera
was sitting in my pocket since our breakfast in South Kensington. But I stopped at one book behind the doorway
of the bedroom facing the street. It was
a copy of Household Words, a weekly
journal that Dickens had started in 1850. The journal was open to the 1853
article “A Home for Homeless Women” about Dickens’s collected lost or “fallen”
women in a sort of homeless shelter outside of the city. He called the place
Urania Cottage. (“Aphrodite Urania” in ancient Greek, was a term to denote the
spiritual, and religious aspects of the goddess of love, as opposed to her more
embodied, sexual, life-giver side.) This
shelter was built to recuperate, or “reform” wayward women to be reintroduced
as productive members of society, so that they were no longer tempted or forced
into a life of thievery or prostitution.
Incidentally, “A Home for Homeless Women” was the primary inspiration
text for my undergraduate thesis, which had gotten honors credit two years
before during my bachelor’s degree.

“Oh my gosh, Dee,”
my mother said, “we need a picture, it’s a sign!”

I whisper-yelled
back to her, “No, Ma, come on, no way, we’ll get in trouble!”

My mother just
ignored me, and silently pushed me in front of the case pulling the camera out
of my coat pocket. So there I am, hair dyed blonde and cropped short for the
summer, squashing up to the glass to avoid the reflective glare. I’m smiling
nervously, my Boston College ring next to my trigger finger, pointing to my
textual trigger. But triggers are really mundane things. They don’t stand out unless there is a point
of resonance or recognition. Something
has to make you remember; remind you that you care.

***

When I was ten or
eleven, my cousin Anna ran away. My
family didn’t know why. I am twenty-seven now and I can think of a few reasons,
looking back, but at the time, I was just confused. Anna was about ten years older than I was,
and I had spent most of the first decade of my life in the silent worship of
her graceful maturity: following her from room to room while she did her nails,
picking up the magazines that she put down, and watching her swipe mascara over
her eyelashes before she went out at night, her mouth in a perfect “o” as she
opened her eyes in front of the mirror in the foyer. She didn’t really have time for me, but she
spoke to me in English, not Italian, which was an upgrade from my
grandparents. She also always dutifully
kissed me on her way out to the clubs each night.

Anna’s parents
didn’t think it was worth it to send a woman to college, so she didn’t go, and
she wasn’t expected to leave home until her marriage, whenever that would
happen. That idea is rather common on my father’s side of the family. But
obviously Anna found other activities to employ her. My first thought was that
she had just gone someplace else, sort of like a college. I was very wrong, but
no one corrected me, perhaps to protect me, perhaps to protect Anna, or both. I
learned not to ask about it, but I did listen.
She came back to her father’s house, (and left the man she had run away
with) when her mother was dying, bringing with her a daughter, Katerina.

My grandmother
doesn’t like to talk about Anna, or Katerina for that matter. Not in English,
or Italian. But by the time Anna came back, I was thirteen, and it is really
difficult to not talk about the mother staring you in the face, or her toddler
pulling your hair with sticky hands, desperate to play any game that you could
devise with your brother and the “big-kid cousins.” I had trouble reconciling
the Anna in my mind, with the angry, tattooed young woman standing in her
father’s foyer on the phone with the father of her child, cursing up a
storm. Anna cursed in English too, which
was considerate of her.

Katerina spent the
next decade or so of her life doing what I had done to her mother: following me
around from room to room. When I turned on the TV at night in the big, cold
marble-tiled apartment that Anna and her father shared in Rutherford, New
Jersey, I was sure to find Katerina snuggled into my blanket within
minutes. At my cousin Sylvia’s wedding, Katerina
was seven, and I was almost seventeen.
She wore her First Holy Communion dress, to dance in, and clung to my
skirt as I walked down the stairs to the bathrooms. After midnight, she wrapped
herself in my shawl, gazing sleepily at me, as we got ready to put on our coats
and leave. Katerina has huge brown
eyes, and when she was young, I got the impression that she saw everything, and
felt everything, all the time, which must have been a huge burden. I wasn’t surprised when she was diagnosed
with epilepsy at age ten. It seemed like
a logical progression of an illness. Sometimes life is just too much. We don’t
understand it, and we sort of seize up.
Writing can sometimes protect you from that, but not always. To my
knowledge, Katerina didn’t write much down, or at least she wasn’t encouraged
to. However, like most of the best
writers I have met, her knowledge of the world began with scrupulous (albeit
painful) observations.

***

Charles Dickens
wasn’t very kind towards the women living in Urania Cottage, or if he was, it
was definitely a tough-love form of charity. The inmates had very specific
dress codes, and curfews, controlled meals, and bible-readings. Dickens chalked this up to re-imposing virtue
onto them, which was the only way that any woman could be reclaimed from a
sexual fall. Yet as W. R. Greg said in his report for the Westminster Review in 1850, it wasn’t a sex slave ring in London
that was causing the rampant prostitution problem. Women went in and out of life on the streets
based on their need for money, and other disparate social circumstances. If you consider the rise of industry, and the
way that economics had shifted from the farmhouse to the factory, it was just
easier for London women to leave the home and hearth. It was also fine for them to return to it.
Usually no one was any bit the wiser, not even the husbands of these
women. It seems that that was what
Dickens feared the most: that a woman could be a prostitute, and no one would
know. She could be running a household,
raising her children, and still morally vacant enough to sell her body by
night. What was happening to human
decency? What was happening to the domestic unit of home and hearth if that was
the case?

It’s not strange
that Dickens was paranoid about it. He
seemed to believe what he created on the page.
He believed that characters like Esther Summerson in Bleak House (who rattles her housekeeper
keys and mutters, “duty” to herself when she feels like acting on an impulse,
so she can quash it) really existed. More than just existing, they were the
ones moving society forward, and holding its moral center intact. That was the role women were born for: to be
mothers to the nation. It’s a pity that
Dickens didn’t treat the mother of his own children as well. Towards the end of his marriage, he coldly
cordoned off their bedroom, giving her half of it, and when he separated from
her, he claimed that she was an unfit mother; being unstable and melancholic.

***

When I was
twenty-two, my cousin Susan ran away. She was almost seventeen at the time. Her
parents were divorced, her father was dying, and her mother wasn’t doing well
mentally either. Being from a small town in Connecticut, she didn’t have to
move far, and we all knew where she was.
Her sister even went to collect her (or drag her home) one time, but
there were some arrests involved, and eventually a restraining order. We couldn’t get Susan back, at least not for
a couple of years. Her mother still
refers to that time as the worst part of a mother’s life. When she is drinking,
she says, “cut me a break, I didn’t know where my daughter was sleeping for
years.” Funny that it is still all about her mom, and not about Susan.

I was raised with my
cousins, a conscious effort on my parents’ part, and Susan and I always got
along well. When she was younger, I would lend her all the books I was reading
after I was done. We liked the same
music, and I would make her mix-tapes each time we saw each other. Since I was
less prone to acts of violence than the other cousins, I didn’t flip out when
she broke a few of my dolls one summer afternoon, so I believe that she was fond
of me - and certainly less frightened of me - than she was of her own
sister. At the time that she ran away, I
was the only one living close enough to the hospital where her father was, and
so it was my job to tell him what had happened. After the arrest and subsequent
police-problems, Susan did not want to be in the same house as her sister. So, we had to conduct visits separately, when
we moved my uncle back to his rehabilitation facility, and later to another
apartment. The last time that I saw her
before she got clean, she came to her father’s house after his move from the
hospital. Her eyes glazed, and I assumed that she was high as a kite during
dinner. She didn’t stay long, and didn’t
talk much. Her dreadlocks hung down to
her waist. I saw her in the kitchen,
texting, before she was going to sneak out, and I just hugged her, really hard,
before she walked out the door.

***

The
Poet’s Corner of Westminster Abbey is very beautiful. My brother and my father wanted to go see all
the kings who appeared in Braveheart
and in Shakespeare’s plays, so I went over to that corner of the Cathedral
alone. Charles Dickens is buried under a
simple stone, right next to Rudyard Kipling, actually. The stone just says,

CHARLES DICKENS

BORN 7th FEBRUARY 1812

DIED 9th JUNE 1870

He hadn’t really wanted to be buried
there, wanting instead to be placed in the Rochester Cathedral in Kent, near
where he was living with Ellen Ternan at Gad’s Hill. It was his demand in his will that the
ceremony and all its’ trappings would be simple, claiming that his legacy would
continue on in his written works. In his lifetime, the legacy really was
established well enough.

After young Mary
Hogarth’s death, Dickens’s grief was profound.
Despite all of the plates he loved to have spinning in his profession,
he was late to publish the next installment of Oliver Twist that quarter.
He would go on to write Mary into almost all of his fiction, letting her
live again and again on the page.
Perhaps the most popular, and tragic re-working of her story was the
teenage Little Nell in The Old Curiosity
Shop published in 1840 and 1841.
After Little Nell’s death, (in one of the last installments, since
Dickens wrote serially) people were outraged.
Some claimed to have thrown the chapbook out the window of the train
they were on, or to have burst in to tears in public, not what we imagine the
stiff-upper-lip British reader to do.
The orphaned Little Nell--like Mary Hogarth--does not live to sexual maturity,
and spends the entire novel on the streets of London, giving charity and
compassion to others, while sacrificing her health and happiness (and finally
her life) for the sake of the few surviving family members that she loves. Her grandfather, to the end of the story,
refuses to believe that she is dead, and sits by her grave every day, waiting
for her to come back, until he dies himself.

***

My
college was a Jesuit school, and the Jesuit motto is, “Men and Women for
Others.” There is a community service requirement for graduation, but I took
that requirement a little further. During my time in college, I worked at a
women’s shelter in south Boston, by the Boston University Medical Center. It was a dry shelter, meaning that you
couldn’t stay unless you were clean and sober.
I always felt quite safe, but unlike Dickens’s Urania cottage, there was
never dull moment. I taught math to some
fifth-graders, organized the library of used books, found a fantastic recipe
for oven-baked Cajun tilapia in a moment of desperation, and made friends with
the nuns and monks near Saint Francis House in Chinatown. There were the ones
who staffed rooms full of beds for the homeless to have a place to sleep on
winter nights (a third of Boston’s homeless die each winter, from exposure).
Working at the shelter for six years, I recognized the same faces each week,
and heard some amazing stories. These
were the same six years when my cousin Susan was in and out of our lives
without any regularity. I spent many
nights looking for her, trying to see her face in the crowds of over a hundred
women and some of their children who ambled up to the coffee machine, asked for
free sugar packets, and complained about the arrests and drug-busts by
Northeastern University. I was helping one of my favorite young girls with an
English homework assignment when I picked up Dickens’s Bleak House one night, and turned to the chapter where Lady
Dedlock, despairing over her lost love and the fact that she can never
acknowledge the birth of her illegitimate daughter, dies in the street in front
of Potter’s Field, the pauper’s cemetery.
I don’t know if I was looking for Susan, if that is what kept me coming
back each night, but I do know that is where my thesis began.

Charles Dickens was
obsessed with the frivolous melodramas of the eighteenth century. He managed to take their sparkling,
(occasionally vulgar) plot lines, clean them up, repurpose them, and write an
advice manual for human behavior. Like all
advice manuals, Dickens’s work had to impose his code of values, and his judgments
to create the reality that he wanted.
The eighteenth century didn’t combine the raw materials of narrative and
plot the way that the Victorians did. Or
at least, they didn’t institutionalize it, the way Dickens did. As I move
forward with my own dissertation, I am drawn back to the tools that Dickens
used, advice manuals that pre-date him: the stuff that Jane Austen read, like Fordyce’s Sermons, A Father’s Legacy to his Daughters by John Gregory, and Letters on the Improvement of the Mind
by Hester Chapone. But I can’t just
give up Dickens, because his world-making was so complete that it became my
world, too. My minor obsession is quite well known in my department. I was
lucky for the bicentennial of his birth, last year to take out my bobble-head
from London, who now bobs his greeting to my students during conferences. I call him “Chazz, my Officemate” when my
friends ask. For Christmas, I got a
necklace with the famous image of Dickens at his writing desk on it, which I
wear to teach. I don’t think “Chazz” would mind. He liked to keep an eye on his women.

***

This year on January 28th is the
200th anniversary of the publication of Pride and Prejudice. In it,
Jane Austen mocks Fordyce’s Sermons,
when Mr. Collins takes out the book, (written to advise the conduct of young
ladies) in front of the Bennet family after dinner. The most fun Bennet sister, Lydia, rudely
ignores him. But Lydia is punished
later, experiencing her own sexual fall to the rake-ish George Wickham. I am drawn to the scene of Elizabeth Bennet,
finding out about her sister’s “ruin,” and falling into hysterics in front of
Mr. Darcy at the inn at Lambton. (“She
is lost forever,” Elizabeth Bennet, played by Jennifer Ehle in the 1996 A&E
version, exclaims to Mr. Darcy/Colin Firth.) Those are the moments of melodrama
that probably shouldn’t make their way into my creative writing. Academically
though, I follow this scene, and this plot to its “natural” conclusion.

Other creative
writers, including screen-writers are better are seeing the drama for the
trauma that it really is. In the Lizzie
Bennet Diaries, on YouTube, Lydia
has thus far remained quieter, more sedate, and more repentant after the modern
equivalent of a sexual fall (a sex tape is almost released to the internet). The series is still running, so we will see
how much Lydia has changed--for better or for worse--when it concludes. Like any writer, I have tried to learn from
these drama/trauma moments of un-reality. Writing academically is hard, but
maybe writing creatively is harder. It’s good that I have found that each genre
I write has informed, enhanced, and fortified the other. Sitting in my friend’s car one night after a
creative writing class, I explained the reasoning behind one of my early drafts
of a short piece of fiction. I was
trying to get at why it mattered to me, to tell the story “correctly,” at least
according to my own standards. It was as a story about a girl who had run away. “Well,” he replied to me gently, “we write
about what we are obsessed about.” And therein lies the reason for everything
that I have written, and everything that has happened. I am just following an obsession down the
path of my own understanding, and trying to give that obsession a voice. Unlike a Dickens novel, the results are not
predetermined.

I am the Outreach Coordinator for the Appalachian Prison
Book Project, so in my spare time, I collect books to send to prisoners. Family and friends are always eager to donate
what they don’t want, or need. I like
looking at what they give me, and thinking about why these works were popular,
and why they collected these books in the first place: westerns, romance,
mysteries, all the great human dramas. Even if you give me your whole
collection as a donation, I only can give one book at a time. I wrap them in brown paper, and send them
off, like beads of water sliding down a piece of string, connecting me with
someone I have never met.

Dominique Bruno lives in Morgantown, West Virginia, where
she is working on her doctoral dissertation about 18th century
courtesy books, and their new contemporary parallels in religious advice
manuals. She has presented papers on
women’s identity at the American Conference for Irish Studies in 2012, and the
Fiftieth Anniversary Conference of Victorian Poetry in 2013. Her forthcoming work with Souvenir will be in the position of
popular and literary culture critic.

If you say you are
quitting cigarettes, people are generally supportive. Maybe there's one person
who rags on you, especially as you stand outside with them on a cold January
night, the air begging for the combustion of a match, they say. But, in 2009, I
didn't quit smoking. I quit environmental activism. And what I discovered was
that people didn't really know what to say. Oh, so suddenly you hate trees? You
hate polar bears. You love pollution? You don't care about humanity?
Luckily, no one asked me these questions. Rather, I asked myself these
questions. There was no one waiting to thrust a sign in my hand, and encourage
me to break my temperance. Likewise, when the day came, there were no
cheerleaders standing on the side of the empty road outside my house on 38th
street. Instead, as I loaded my car, what I remember is the sound of ice
crunching underfoot, a midnight blue sky. My roommates were both away. I pushed
my key through the mail-slot, and heard it clatter on the other side. To the
stillness that followed, I just listened.

I was departing from
Pittsburgh just five months after arriving. This hadn't been the plan, wasn't
in the contract. I didn't know how to talk about what was happening. I just
knew that it had something to do with "The Feeling."

"The
Feeling" was a desperate pull from deep within. It was an ancient sort of
voice saying, "there's more to life than this, dig deeper." The first
time I can remember "The Feeling," I was in middle school and leaving
the movie theatre with my friends. We'd already seen all the good movies
playing, but there was literally nothing else to do. So, we bought tickets. The
movie, whatever it was, deeply irritated me; the film was boring and
predictable, super Hollywood-y. But my friends? They didn't seem to notice.
Walking out of the double doors to the parking lot, the cool rush of wind
revived me from my anger. I breathed in ravenously, trying to understand it.
Throughout high school, I would continue struggle to make sense of this
disparity between me and my friends. What was wrong with me? What was wrong
with them? Why weren't they angry?

I moved to Morgantown
in 2004, and for awhile, the newness of college life at West Virginia
University made me forget "The Feeling." I lived in the dorms,
Boreman North on N. High Street. This was prior to the increased policing of
parties by the city. I went to many house parties with my roommates, who were
into getting all dressed up. I wasn't, but I let them doll me up anyway. None
of the sparkly shirts I wore that year were mine. We did what you might expect
young freshman girls who are away from home for the first time to do. We
partied. Which was easy, as we were literally a stone’s throw away from all the
fraternity houses. I remember at one party, I accidently knocked over a huge
pyramid of Natty Light cans and a circle of sorority girls threatened to spit
on me. At another, my roommate and I danced on hundreds of crushed cans while a
band played Rage Against the Machine covers. We danced until everyone else was
gone and we realized the band had been replaced with speakers. In the bathroom
on the way out, my roommate slipped and fell on the floor which was covered in
wet, soiled toilet paper. It was my birthday.

It was only a couple
of months after my birthday that "The Feeling" returned. I was with
my roommates, standing in line outside of Club Z on Walnut Street, shivering in
a too-tiny jean jacket and pointy-toed shoes. What was the point of standing in
line with a bunch of strangers in the freezing cold, when, once inside and
transformed by alcohol and thumping base, these same cold strangers would be
holding my hand and grinding on me like we were best friends? I looked across
the street and saw a guy vomiting next to a pile of clothes on the sidewalk
outside of Christian Help Incorporated. Desperate, I wanted someone to come and
save me, to walk opposite the line of us fools, look back and hold out their
hand. I wanted some angel to show me a better use of my time. That night, I
went into the club anyway, but something had changed. I decided I didn't want
to do this anymore. I began poking fun at the whole scene. But my attitude
wasn't making me any friends. Instead, it seemed to alienate the only ones I
had.

It wasn't days or
weeks, but months that passed. I had stopped going to clubs with my roommates.
"The Feeling,” the voice inside of me telling me, "There’s more to
life than this, dig deeper," was still there. I began to spend most of my
time sleeping or oversleeping. I was working in a Japanese Restaurant and
always smelled like fried rice. Because grains of rice would get stuck to my
shoes, ants invaded my bedroom, and eventually, the rest of our house. Soon, my
roommates stopped talking to me completely except through passive-aggressive
sticky notes they left on my door. "Ants are in the animal crackers now,
thanks." My boyfriend and I broke up, but he'd still show up at our house
once in awhile, drunk, and try to have sex with me. It continued on in this way
for awhile. The ants had long since won the battle for my shoes and all my shit
on the floor and I was too depressed to do anything about it. My laundry hadn't
been done in over a month.

On a particularly bad
day, I might step onto the porch to go to class, taking in the blooming flowers
and a grey sky, and I'd hear the girls who lived above us, arguing with their
boyfriends. I'd decide I hated everyone and because I was going to be late for
class, I hated myself too. I'd turn back around and forget about entering the
world that day, letting my backpack off my shoulders to the floor. I'd then
spend all my waking hours hiding in my dim, wood-paneled room, filling
notebooks with places I wanted to visit. I imagined working as a tour guide in
Tibet, or maybe picking cranberries in Oregon. A good day wasn't much
different.

It was Bobby who saved
me. My angel had unruly hair, a messy beard, and liked to collect toxic
water from Boone County. I met Bobby on spring break on an Adventure West
Virginia trip. I hardly knew him, but I knew him enough to stop and say
"hello," and one night when I ran into him on campus, I said
"hello," and he gave me a postcard. The postcard would have been just
another scenic snapshot, except for brightly colored arrows pointing to various
spots on the card. "That's Marsh Fork Elementary," Bobby said.
"And that's a slurry impoundment." I had never heard these words
before. Never tasted the words, "coal waste," in my mouth. Until that
night, I hadn't even known our electricity came from coal, I'd just taken it
for granted. Despite growing up just outside of Washington D.C., strangely
enough, I hadn't known electricity could be politicized. Nonetheless, I tried
to understand what Bobby was telling me about the kids who attended Marsh Fork
Elementary, how some of the families living nearby slept with their shoes on
when it rained, and prayed like hell for a dam to hold.

It was shortly after
this random encounter with Bobby that something happened that changed my life.
I got spammed on Facebook. The message was from a stranger and read something
like this:

"Do you care
about the environment and want to change the world? Live in Washington D.C. for
a semester. Learn how to organize campaigns. Learn how to use media and become
a leader in your community. Learn how to climb industrial buildings and drive
boats used to stop whaling ships. Apply today!"

Okay, I did not want
to be a leader. I had never cared about politics. I just wanted to spend a
semester away from Morgantown with people who wanted more out of life. Maybe
this was the answer to "The Feeling." But the application asked,
"what issue did I hope to apply my training towards?" I didn't have
an issue. I knew my application had to be the best thing I'd ever produced. If
I continued on my current path, if I didn't do something to change my life, I
knew I would continue to fall off the face of the earth. With a jolt, I turned
and pulled Bobby's postcard from the wall and re-read everything it said about
coal waste and mountaintop removal mining. I wrote about the kids at Marsh Fork
and submitted my application that same day.

I am happy to be able
to tell you that I did leave Morgantown, and I did learn how to drive the boats
used to stop whaling ships, and many other things. I am also pleased to tell
you that seven months later, I was excited to come back. If you crossed the
street in front of the Mountainlair, the student union at WVU in Morgantown,
anytime in 2007, you've probably seen me. I was the girl handing out flyers and
talking about the Sierra Student Coalition (SSC), the most active environmental
organization on campus, and one of the oldest in the nation. I was the girl who
tried to get you to sign a petition while you were just trying to go to Burger
King. And sometimes, once in awhile, I was the girl in the polar bear
suit. 2007 was a time of great exuberance, passion, and growth in the
organization that I had just joined. We were doing a lot more than just playing
dress-up. Behind the scenes, during our weekly planning sessions,
something was happening. We were planning how we were going to change the state
of West Virginia, starting with WVU. We began to realize we could challenge
authority and create the world we wanted to live in. We began cooking and
eating together. We become a family.

During these meals, we
came to realize that if we wanted to change the world, we would have to change
ourselves. We decided that the SSC wasn't going to be the kind of club where
you go into a meeting and sat politely while one person, usually the president,
spoke. We would abandon hierarchy altogether. We wanted to shape a world where
every voice was heard and every person was treated equally. Leadership was
enthusiasm based. Everyone who wanted to could help create our yearly plan. No
one was president. Instead we had rotating facilitators. The group swelled. One
Wednesday night, a guy I'd never seen before came in with his wife. He said he
wanted to make Morgantown "more accessible for people in
wheelchairs." Okay, we didn't have anyone working on that. Our main
focuses were: improving energy efficiency on campus, promoting campus
investment in renewable energy, ending mountaintop removal coal mining, and
recycling. But, our vision included a space for all voices to be heard- and he
was heard. His name was Dan and he was welcome here. This was what we made.

Yet, the cost for this
education was high: to others, it was a strange plaid of semi-successful
projects, a lot of missed classes, mediocre school grades, and poor "real
world" career prospects. Some people didn't get it. Some die-hard
recyclers were always pissed off that we were running "campaigns." What
were those? At times, WVU's administration's refusal to take us seriously was
unbelievably frustrating. But respect has to be earned, and I believed without
any doubt that we would change West Virginia. I believed it was such force that
it was contagious. Here we were, a group of young people actually doing
something to change the world. It was more satisfying than going to the movies.
It was more exhilarating than Club Z. No longer was I dreaming about
wading around on Oregon's coast, picking cranberries. I was right where I
wanted to be. I loved my new friend-family and would have done anything for
them. And an amazing thing happened; "The Feeling" went away.

In my days as an
environmental activist at WVU, I would estimate that I talked to more than
3,000 people about environmental and other world problems. I led workshops on
leadership, organizing, campaigns, media, outreach, event planning and time
management. I traveled to southern West Virginia and met Larry Gibson, a
leading activist against mountaintop removal mining, and many others fighting
the powers that hold a firm grip on West Virginia's mountain communities. I
protested at a power plant, led Morgantown's first toxic-tour, sat down with
the school's president and brought forth proposals and more than 1500 petitions
signed by students. I refused to leave an Ohio power company's corporate
office, and even protested the Ku Klux Klan in Knoxville, Tennessee. It is fair
to say that I was on top of the world. "The Feeling" that had plagued
me for so long was gone, and it had all started because of that one random
encounter with Bobby.

I almost wish I had
died at that moment on top of the world. But death would have been the easy way
out. I didn't die. I graduated. Graduation swooped in fast, like one of those
unexpected sticky-notes on my bedroom door. I didn't really know the people I
was walking with at graduation, and by the time of the actual ceremony, I
already missed my friends. In a flash, I was thrown from this great wave I'd
been riding. I took a strange pounding, struggling between sand and sky. Buoyed
more by force than by will, I resurfaced. I looked around. Everything that had
once been home was gone. I caught glimpses of my friends paddling away towards
some horizon line I couldn't see, until finally, I was alone in the vast,
unknowable sea. As the last streaks of pink and orange left the sky, I just
sort of bobbed there. I had made no plans.

I treaded water until
I came to a stream, a current slicing through the ocean. So tired was I from
treading, that I let the stream carry me until I arrived at a desk job in
Pittsburgh. Beginning in August, 2008, I was a paid Regional Organizer for the
SSC. This was the same SSC that I had been a part of on campus, except that now
I was to work regionally in Ohio, Pennsylvania and West Virginia. My home
base was in Pittsburgh, but I was to travel those three states and support the
work of students, offer resources and advice, and one other little thing: a
unified national agenda. Before being hired, I was warned that the plan for the
fall of 2008 was to stop global warming through political action. I was told
that this was so important, that now was a time to put local work on hold in
order to elect a "climate champion." In my post-graduation shock, I
convinced myself that this was a dream job. I told myself that after the
election, I would be able to get back into the business of "enthusiasm
based leadership," helping student groups work on the issues that they
felt empowered by, rather than a national agenda. It was 2008, and
everyone was talking about college graduates facing bleak futures. But I had a
salary. I had benefits. I wasn't working in a restaurant anymore. I had made
it.

As weeks turned into
months, the voice protesting inside my head could not be quieted. I turned the
national strategy over in my head, unpacked it, and repackaged it. Still, it
didn't feel right. I was on the road, trying to sell the vision of climate
champions to high school and college students, and I didn't even believe in
it. I felt like a parasite, feeding off of young people’s vibrancy.
Electing “climate champions" to congress just didn't feel as empowering as
using my hands and my power to change my communities from the inside out. Very
few people I talked to were excited by or understood the campaign. A good
regional organizer knows when to stop putting forth a national agenda, I
thought. A good regional organizer listens. A good regional organizer
encourages people to discover their own quest. I voiced these opinions with my
manager, and other co-workers but didn't find much support. I felt alienated
from my new peers. But this, I realized, was only half of my problem.

Living in a new city,
being at home was only slightly better than being on the road. I missed my
friends and had scarcely given time to process the grief of what I had lost. I
began to care less and less about the students I was working with. I cannot
tell you how many times, sleeping in my car in random rural counties throughout
Pennsylvania, that "The Feeling" returned. "There has to be
more to life than this, dig deeper."

To Romany Gypsies, the
greatest curse you can aim at someone is isolation. To be bereft of your
ancestors, squabbling brothers, inspiration, and livestock, is to be only just
alive.

And so, I quit. I left Pittsburgh. You'll remember from
the beginning of my story that as I left, I heard only the sound of ice
crunching underfoot and saw only a midnight blue sky. I was only beginning to
understand the importance of grieving, how joy and sadness can be felt at the
same time. I will say only of what has happened since. After I left Pittsburgh
and the Sierra Student Coalition, I spent not days, or weeks, but years, laying
low. I will tell you that I worked briefly on a farm, and that I traveled a
good bit, and that I tried to love other people, but that I was angry all the
time and realized that I still wasn't ready to love or help others. I will also
tell you that I went back to school, where I did exactly zero activism,
although I did work long hours with my pen, unraveling unfinished friendships
and abandoned revolutionary projects. I will tell you that it has taken me even
longer to unravel my heart and accept responsibility for my mistakes. Now, I am
listening. I am learning to trust "The Feeling," the bird in my heart
who sings when she's hungry.

Christy Hartman scored her current job as a producer by offering to set her shoelaces on fire. Ira Glass once told her something she wrote was, "fucking beautiful." She lives in the Bay Area and likes writing on real paper.