Author: mysundayritual

The moment my eyes closed and I took my first deep breathe you decided to make your move. The move that would make or break us.

So in that moment, when the room was black, and you were quietly grabbing my whole body, my hand froze on top of yours and I took one more deep breathe in.

Because I’ve heard when you’re feeling overwhelmed or anxious it’s important to try and calm yourself down by counting back and naming…

Five

I see two untamed brown caterpillars dancing on his sleepy face. He itches one of them to wake the yellow specks glistening in his green eyes. I see dark knots of perfectly coiled wire stamped to his cheeks. I see that damn chipped tooth peaking through his sweet boyish grin. I see him casually run his fingers up and down his receding hairline.

Four

I hear the ref’s whistle from the football game on T.V. I hear his small breathes whisper in my ear. I hear the leather couch squeak underneath our bodies. I hear myself giggle as he tries to tickle my thighs.

Three

I feel his rugged knuckles underneath my felt fingertips. I feel his small bites encapsulate my mind. I feel his forehead fall and press against my shoulder.

Two

I smell the candle he burns just for us. I smell the rain falling on the dry ground through the windows he left open.

One

I taste the beer lingering on his lips.

But I’ve counted back too far. I’ve counted back two years ago. The boy in my bed now is not him. The boy in my bed now has to deal with all the parts of him that cause this anxiety. The parts of me that now have to count back every time I feel the same sensation he gave me. But now I realize that sensation has turned into sadness.

And it’s full of cliché sayings like “It’s almost as if fate brought us back together”, “you’ll know it when you find it”, and my personal favorite, “you’re so easy to talk to”.

There are also questions such as, “Do you think there’s more than one person out there for you?” and “Was our match on that dating app a coincidence?” Because I want to know “Why is it that we’ve stayed connected since our match even though we’re 1,000 miles apart?”

Let me explain because I’ve known him since the seventh grade. When I had a terrible haircut and his brace face grin showed off those chubby cheeks. We weren’t close, not even friends, but I knew him and he knew me.

So much so that when I saw him at a college house party several years later he was hanging out with some of my closest friends. We said our “Hellos” and “How ya doins” because I knew him and he knew me.

And when I came back home for Christmas (another) several years later I saw those chubby cheeks on my dating app screen. I laughed because he looked the same yet so different which made my swipe an immediate match because I knew him and he knew me.

I get the sense that we’re friends now. Now that it’s been quite some time since that match. I understand I can talk to him about mostly anything. But what I don’t understand is why I can’t stop thinking about him.

The “What I Want to Say to Him” note is filled with advice from friends. Advice that makes my head into a spiral. Say something, don’t say anything, or wait it out to see what he says.

But he says enough. He says I care about you when I receive a silly picture of his face. He says I’m thinking about you when I receive a picture of a couple and their dog playing at the lake in his city. He says listen to me when I receive another song from his playlist. He says I think this could be something when I receive a video of a carpool karaoke proposal.

But I don’t say much. I’m afraid to admit that I can care and think and listen just as well as him. But my subconscious knows me all too well and sends him into my dreams. I dream of him coming to pick me up and knocking on my glass door. I can see him just as clearly as he can see me. But it’s up to me to let him in.

Because the biggest piece of advice I have received is from myself. From when I’ve fallen and haven’t been able to gather my life and get back up. I tell myself don’t put all of those damn eggs in one basket.

And yet I have my hopes, my dreams, and my deepest and darkest desire to be with someone like you sitting here in my basket.

A sea of red is rushing towards me. The color of blood swarms my eyes and the only way to save myself is to close them tightly. But I slowly open them and the more I focus, the more I see the blending of fake flowers, candy boxes, teddy bears, and February.

February. How is it already February?

My shoes tap the tiled floor as I wait patiently to be the next customer in line.

My mind is telling me that he was born in February. He was born only sixteen days before me. Sixteen days before my birthday in March. I wonder what you were like when you were sixteen. I wonder who’s heart you broke then. The month you broke for me was February.

But I met you in April, I met you after each of us had turned the dreaded age of twenty-six. The age most people choose to forget. We had spent our birthdays without knowing who the other person was. But the rest of my twenty-sixth year I spent obsessing over you.

Over the way you made me feel like a person I hadn’t met. I hadn’t ever melted to the floor when I was in anyone else’s presence. I was enamored with our love. Our cliche, foolish, and reckless love. Maybe that’s why you were born in February. You were born during the month of love because you were meant to break so many damn hearts.

A dullness takes over my body. My shoulders droop towards the tiled floor. My head hangs over my chest. I can’t stand up straight. I drag my limp body and bloodshot eyes closer to the cash register. I’m melting again. But this time I don’t want it to take over my ability to react. My body waits in line.

I’m waiting for Spring because I don’t want to see my shadow anymore. My shadow who follows me around and tells me I’m not good enough. I’m not who you wanted. You wanted to leave and I wanted to see the flowers bloom. You see, I don’t want to wait around for you to come back.

Twenty-eight days of waiting. I’m waiting for February to end and it has only just begun. It has only twenty-eight days but I can’t wait that long. I can’t wait for this month to stretch me thin. Stretch me into someone I haven’t met. I haven’t met a day that goes by where I don’t think about you. I don’t think I can do this for twenty-eight more days.

Twenty-eight is now the age we’re both about to turn. We’re both in new phases of our lives. New phases of new people and new states. New me. A me I don’t want to know without you.

Because without you, I’m just a lonely girl in a grocery store. A lonely girl spending her money on Valentine’s candy because she has a case of the February’s.

I don’t know what came over me the other night, but when I got off the phone with you I began to cry. I cried until I fell asleep like I was some baby who needed to soothe herself. And then I had a dream that you met my family.

I guess this goes to show that I’m confused and I’ve been this way since the first day I met you not too long ago. After our first date, I didn’t know what to think of you. You were a lot but I was intrigued. I was so intrigued I wanted to see you again and again until I realized this could be too much for me. You and I together could be a lot, a lot of bickering, a lot of stories, a lot of you and not enough of me, and a lot of confusion. But you continued to step up to the plate and open up to me. And for that, I thank you.

I’ve always been with the half-asses. The ones who showed me a good time until things started getting serious and then they slowly backed away until they were gone for good. The ones who talked to me about their life but never seemed to show me any of it. The ones who used my body as a toy for them to play with until a better version came out.

So I’ve always put one foot in the door and left the other one out, just in case. It wasn’t until last year when I put both feet through the doorway for someone. He ruined me after lying and cheating his way into my heart. And just when I was beginning to trust his true intentions he ran away and moved to my hometown. It was your typical heartbreak. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or go a day without thinking of him. And the worst part was, I couldn’t go home without seeing him and knowing he had moved on. I couldn’t go to the town that I grew up in because I knew he was there making it his own home with a new girl who mirrored me in every way possible.

So yes, I’ve been hurt. And this is only one brief story. But it’s the most recent one that hurts the most. I can’t help but think you can do the same thing to me. I can’t help but think that you could not want this and suddenly stop talking to me without any warning and vanish. I can’t help but think that when you don’t respond to me in a timely manner it’s because you’re off fucking some girl, not that you’re just trying to concentrate on your homework. I truly apologize, but it’s ingrained in me at this point.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to navigate these waters. I need you to be helpful and not hurtful. I don’t want to be away from you because it makes me anxious and when we’re together I feel at ease. I don’t want to annoy you with my obnoxious and bitchy behavior. I don’t want to put my past on your shoulders because I know it’s something I have to deal with, not you.

Because the truth of the matter is, I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I’ve never met the parents in a formal manner. I’ve never gone on trips with my “boyfriend”. I don’t even know if I’ve ever called someone my boyfriend in a serious tone. I’ve never said I love you to a guy and I’ve never heard it in return.

You told me everyone has a secret they’re trying to hide. Well, that’s mine. So if you’re looking for me to open up to you, there it is.

I’m that girl. The girl I never expected to be. The girl you find during the in-between phase of your life. The phase most girls know all too well. “He just got out of a relationship so he’s not looking for anything serious.” The pain already begins to swell in my heart.

Because I know nothing serious comes in the form of actually being your girlfriend but not reaping all the benefits. I won’t ever meet the parents or siblings but I hear plenty of stories about them. You show me pictures of your childhood home and I’ll pretend like I’ll eventually meet your family someday. Someday when he’s ready.

I’m that girl. The girl that never pushes the girlfriend label. The girl whom you always consider totally cool with just a chill night in. But what you don’t understand is that the night chills me.

I feel the shiver run down my spine when you slowly begin to touch me. I feel like if I let go I will crumble into a million pieces. I have to keep up the image. You use my body like it’s some toy for you to play with, that is of course until a better version of me comes out.

I’m that girl. The girl that never deems herself as the competitive type. Because why care? It only hurts to do so. Like when I played soccer and every girl on my team cried but me when we lost a game. I thought that meant I was heartless.

But like most people, I found out I had a heart just because I felt it break. Now I can only sense a deep hole where my feelings used to belong. A burning sensation of total numbness.

I’m that girl. The girl that’s easy to leave without a trace. Because I was never your girlfriend. I just was the girl who rubbed your back in bed after a long day of work. I was just the friend you would cook for. I was just the girl who put you to sleep. I was the just the friend who willingly stayed the night.

But when you leave me you won’t find another girl like me. You will find the girl that you were meant to be with and she will meet your whole family and see that childhood home I only dreamed of. While I’m still that girl stuck in between.