Thursday, October 18, 2012

Short Supply: Scrounging for Heroes

As "Shitstorm 2012" continues to rain "number two" upon the world of professional cycling, fans everywhere are becoming disillusioned with their heroes. However, it's vital to remember that there are still cyclists who deserve our adulation. Moreover, hero worship is an essential component of our culture, and without it we might find ourselves instead clinging to false idols like Nobel laureates, philanthropists, disaster relief volunteers, and other shiftless layabouts. So if your favorite cyclist has gone from hero to arithmetical symbol denoting the absence of all magnitude or quantity in your eyes, here are just a few people still worthy of your eternal obsequiousness:

Cartoonish Ex-Pros

(Mario Cipollini dressed like a veiny penis.)

Sure, it's disillusioning to read a sworn affidavit in which your favorite rider confesses to pumping all manner of PEDs into his scranus. However, there are some riders who are so cartoonishly outsized as to transcend prosaic issues such as "ethics." Consider Mario Cipollini for example. Did Did he cheat during his career? Almost certainly. Does anybody care? Fork no! Getting upset at Mario Cipollini for taking drugs is like being outraged that James Bond drove his Aston Martin too soon after drinking his shaken-but-not-stirred martinis. Really, you'd almost be disappointed if he didn't do it. [Fun Cipollini fact: other riders would often surreptitiously collect The Lion King's hair drippings and use them to make cutaneous testosterone patches.]

For years Chas, Walton, Tag, Muffy, Buffy, Billiam, Pierce, and Preston bravely stuck it to Volvo-driving people from Marin by running red lights in front of them on their fixies and selling videos about it. Now they're racing cyclocross because that's just what you do now. Wear their kit and hang their pin-ups on your wall confident in the knowledge that they'll always be on the cutting-edge of go-fast cycling style until they reach the age of 40. And if MASH isn't your overpiced "collabo" bag, rest assured that there are a gazzillion "collectives" just like them all over the country. Yes, professional cycling may be crumbling, but it's never been a better time to be an amateur. All you need is some friends, a GoPro, and a jersey pre-order.

Cycling Advocates

Q: What do Lance Armstrong, George Hincapie, Levi Leipheimer, David Zabriskie, and Michael Barry have in common?

Also, David Byrne doesn't have to be a cycling advocate. If he wanted he could just let those Talking Heads royalties roll in while he throws lavish ambient hot tub parties with Brian Eno. Instead, he works tirelessly in his spare time to promote the cause of cycling by constructing incredibly awkward bike racks in front of places frequented by gentrifiers:

Yes, he doesn't advocate for us because he has to. He does it because he loves us. Or at least himself. In the end, what's the difference, really?

Huh? Whah? What's that you say? David Byrne isn't for you? To "hoity-toity?" Well, he's not the only tartan-attired fish in the sea of celebrity smugness. Meet Matthew Modine, the only bicycle advocate to have starred in a Stanley Kubrick film (not counting Congressman Earl Blumenauer, who was the original voice of the HAL 9000 supercomputer in 2001 until he was overdubbed by Douglas Rain shortly before the film's release):

(Matthew Modine looks like the illegitimate offspring of a tweed ride and a singlespeed world championship.)

Sure, Modine may be the Dauphiné Libéré to Byrne's Tour de France, but in many ways he's also the "working man's Byrne"--though in many other ways he's just the smirky guy from "Married to the Mob."

Oh, okay, I get it. You don't relate to these glitzy celebrities with their flashy Citroëns and their comically oversized golf hats. You want a real man of the people to be your advocate. Well, allow me to introduce you to Mikael Colville-Andersen, proprietor of Copenhagen Cycle Chic:

("If I don't wear these glasses people mistake me for the drummer of Metallica.")

For years, Colville-Andersen has taken surreptitious photographs of hot chicks on bikes in the streets of Copenhagen, all in the name of advocacy. Just imagine Bill Cunningham and Bob Guccione fighting for control of the body of Lars Ullrich and you've got the idea. So why does he deserve your adulation? Well, because he's not going to rest until cycling becomes a mainstream mode of transportation in every great city of the world--or until he finally catches that elusive "bare vag" shot, whichever comes first:

Until then, he awaits that "perfect storm" of an attractive woman, a short skirt, a strong crosswind, and an ill-considered laundry day decision to just "freebuff" it.

The Bike Companies

So what happens if you're fed up with pro cycling because of the doping, yet you still crave constant recriminations and legal battles? Well, just follow the bicycle retail industry instead! You'll get all the courtroom drama with absolutely none of the on-the-bike action! Remember Sinyard vs. Volagi? How juicy was that? And now, Knog tells me that Abus stole their idea for the "sausage lock:"

In the lands of the North, where the Black Rocks stand guard against the cold sea, in the dark night that is very long the Men of the Northlands sit by their great log fires and they tell a tale of matters of trade dress. That's not the dress that billows revealingly in the wind.

My hero is a tree. I don't know if he's been doping, but I don't care. He performs, year after year, with no chance of winning, a foliage domestique in a contest nobody knows about, with prizes worth almost nothing. He is my tree hero.

This day is called the Feast of Cipollini.He that outlives this day and comes safe homeWill stand a-tiptoe when this day is namedAnd rouse him at the name of Cipollini.He that shall see this day and live t' old ageWill yearly on the vigil feast his neighboursAnd say, "Tomorrow is Saint Cipo."Then will he strip his woman and show her bear vagAnd say, "This oil I claimed on Cipo's day."Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,But he'll remember, with advantagesWhat feats he did that day. Then shall our names,Familiar in his mouth as household words —David Byrne, Stanley Wiggins and Mark Cavendish,Andy Schleck, Contador and Cancellera —Be in their flowing cups freshly remembered.This story shall the good man teach his son,And Cipo Cipo shall ne'er go byFrom this day to the ending of the world,But we in it shall be remembered,We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.For he today that eats pussy with meShall be my brother; be he ne'er so virile,This day shall stiffen his condition.And gentlemen in Italy now abed (women)Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaksThat ate pussy with us upon Saint Cipo's Day.

Marianne Vos is not a doper and has won the Giro Donne a couple of times, has Olympic Gold, 10 or 15 UCI stripey jerseys (can't be bothered to wicky it) and she's good looking. Perfect "heroine worship" material. Snob has never mentioned her because he hasn't figured out the correct cynical approach yet, or something.

I'm a little confused. As a result of the recent turn of events, is Lance required to return the Livestrong motorcycle to Orange County Choppers? Does he have to send his '70 Pontiac GTO back to Overhaulin' so that they can re-install the rusted out fenders?

Thank you Snobber for rectifying the "sausage" lock misnomer. Tomorrow you can take to task my "candybar" phone, at which I Snicker, for it doesn't look anything like a Milky Way. It only slightly resembles a half an Abba Zabba.

I've used "Shitstorm 2012" to teach my grand-kids not to dope, if they ever make it all the way to Cat4..........but if they do, make sure they get a "sweet deal" by ratting out their Cat 3 pal who taught them the ropes.....and if that doesn't work, plead a lessor offence of killing hundreds of dogs...

Mr. Bike Snob. Nice blog. I especially liked the picture of Helen Hunt on the bike. Actually, Gorgeous women on bikes are my heroes. Watching beautiful women such as "Babble" ride by IS definitely a crowd pleaser.

I actually, truly got attacked by killer bees myself while bike touring in Guatemala several years ago. It was a crazy experience. I received several hundred stings, but didn't suffer significant effects.

I actually, truly got attacked by killer bees myself while bike touring in Guatemala several years ago. It was a crazy experience. I received several hundred stings, but didn't suffer significant effects.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!