In the agricultural revolution we stopped moving around which lead to the formalisation of marriage. However, with the penetration of the internet into our daily lives things have changed slightly. And when I say slightly I mean all together.

The age old path of finding someone through mutual friends/family/proximity then moving onto courting and finally marriage is a little (lot) different these days.

From my understanding of the dating game this is the order of things:

1. “We’re talking”

The word talking in this phrase actually means texting. This may include face to face talking however this is not a requirement. But sending pictures of your boobs, thats critical.

2. “We’re vibing”

We think we may potentially be interested in each other, sometimes we even kiss but were just friends though. Also you are absolutely allowed to “vibe” with anyone else, like we’re just friends. FRIEEEEEEENDS. Did I mention we’re friends?

3. “We’re hanging out”

This one has way more face to face time but also body to body. This may include something as wild as sitting across the table from another person and like sharing your interests and stuff. No meeting my friends or family though. But you’re definitely meeting my little friend (Also known as the D/Cockasaurus Rex/Eathworm Jim/King Dong).

4. “We’re seeing each other”

Woah shit just got real. I am both spending time with you AND also telling people about it. Holy shitballs. At this point you need to stop having intercourse with other people but you can maybe still keep your Tinder account. Like we can discuss it. I don’t really care. Even though I actually totally care. You know what… ITS FINE.

(Not sure how I am going to actually deal with all this loyalty and dependability and vulnerability and you having my back thing but I suppose I’ve gotta settle down at some point?)

6. “We’re FBO”

YOUR PENIS IS MINE. ALL MINE. EVERYONE KNOWS ITS MINE. EVEN THAT PERSON I NEVER SPOKE TO AT SCHOOL BUT FOR SOME REASON I PUT UP WITH SEEING THEIR 700 POSTS OF THEIR KID BECAUSE OF SOME WEIRD GUILT I MAY FEEL FOR DELETING SOMEONE I SHARED THE SAME BUILDING WITH FOR 5 YEARS.

Oh and your heart. Thats mine too.

The modern dating game is weird.

The art of dating successfully these days is made up of two people who actually like each other showing just enough interest in the other (but without showing too much) via at least 20minute apart text messages and occasional emojis. Yes, the most effective way of attracting someone is to pretend you actually don’t really care all too much about them. (I use the word “art” very loosely here, it includes things like finger painting and Jean bedazzling.)

With Apps like Tinder getting laid is as easy as ordering a pizza, except the pizza has boobs and her name is Heather. Dating Apps and online dating have changed. Gone are the days of Kathleen and Frank sending each other lovingly scribed emails. A simple “Wanna bang *winking smiley face*” will do.

It’s rare for a woman to find a guy who treats them like a priority instead of an option because lets be honest if there is one thing he has its options. Not villages or cities or countries full, he has an entire internet full of options. And thats a lot of options. But don’t say this shit out loud because heaven forbid you believe in love. Ugh, you’re so weak. Also you’re a feminist you don’t need no man gurrrrl.

It’s not just men though. Nuh uh. Ladies I see you cashing in your tinder foodstamps. That guy who has been nagging for a date who suddenly becomes way more appealing on the 23rd of the month when you’re only other option is canned tuna, 2 Salticrax and half a bag of raisins while watching ex on the beach. Not cool.

Guys, it’s all fun and games but what about jealousy, and sexism, and self esteem and that dimly flickering chance that somebody might fall in love?

Ladies, I’m not sure if you know this but some (read most) men don’t want to pay for everything. They just don’t.

This is something I am very passionate about. Not because I am trying to defend men or not even because I am some crazy feminist (which I am) its just that if you want to be afforded all of the opportunities gender equality has to offer then you need to reach into your wallet. I know gender equality is more an ideal than a reality but some of you are really fucking up the cause. Ya, I swore.

Why are we waiting to be fed and entertained? We aren’t Tamagotchis. There are some crazy things I often hear in conversations about this topic :

1. “I deserve it”

Why, because you are pretty? Lol.

What are you doing in return to deserve it? Because if you are in fact doing something well then isn’t that similar to prostituting yourself for the occasional burrito and movie ticket?

2. “But he doesn’t ever ask me to pay.”

Remember those crazy mind map things we used to get in teenage magazines to find out if you would marry your highschool sweetheart? Well heres one to help you through this process.

Dating these days has definitely changed but some old fashion rules have persisted. Why though? Its 2016. Isn’t the whole point of being independently wealthy so that we have the choice to go where we want and do what we want and date who we want.

Why is it the norm that so many women are looking for a provider instead of a partner? For a man a woman’s earning potential carries very little weight. If he chats to his friends post date its mostly about the size of her tits. With women its about if he has his finances and life ‘in order’.

Ladies, we are doing ourselves a great injustice. If you are in the top 20% of earners and you are adamant that your partner earns more than you then you have eliminated 80% of the dating population. Men get to choose a partner based on what I think matters most – Humour, compatibility, kindness, tit size.

Why is it that if your boyfriend earns less than you he is “not good husband material”but if you earn less than him then you’re just “his girlfriend”?

Somewhere along the line relationships have turned from partnerships where 2 people are working towards a common goal to a battle where guys show up with their wallets and women with their vaginas.

You know those toothpaste ads where they put a really pretty girl under a UV light and you think there is no way she could have any plaque on her teeth but then :

And you feel conned. Because in the first scene where she was running across the beach with her swishy ponytail, perky boobs, zero sweat, handsome man and labrador (its always a labrador) while simultaneously eating an apple the last thing you thought was that bitch is plaquey. Wrong.

This is exactly how I felt this week while on Facebook. Conned. I know you’re thinking what the hell kind of comparison is this. But hear me out. (Also welcome to my brain, its a jol.) I always prided myself on the fact that I thought I had pretty intelligent friends. But the amount of times I saw this made me believe that behind all of their really witty jokes and brilliant memes many are well, uhm….

No. Just no. Also LOL. Some of you guys are dumber than a box of pubes. (Thats not a real saying.)

Now as much as the legalese in this status might make it sound official there is just 1 tiny little flaw and its that this status will do absolutely nothing to protect your privacy. Nada. Niks. Fokol. (sorry mom)

I am pretty sure I have signed my entire life away on multiple occasions by always accepting those terms and conditions. But the fine print is always so long and when I start to read it my head hurts and I start to squint so that I can see better because my eyesights really bad and I should probably be wearing glasses but I have a weird nose so when I wear them they always leave this strange indent right across the bridge of my nose. So I just click accept and then go nap or eat a snack or something.

When it comes to privacy laws I really don’t know much but I know that posting this status will do nothing so I think I am doing pretty well. In fact in comparison to my Facebook friends I am in the top 10 percentile of people who know stuff about privacy law.

In the last week I have posted the following :

– A picture of a lady who confused builders foam with Hair mousse

– A video of a dog doing chores

– A video of a really cool tool you can use to cut perfect slices of watermelon

….and a picture of my dead cactus.

So steal away Mark Zuckerberg, Steal away.

The truth is we could probably educate ourselves a bit better on what belongs to us and then what belongs to Mark. But I’ll save you some time and give you a synopses : Mark owns our asses. And the pictures of them too. However if you are interested in reading up then here you go – Facebook Privacy Policy

But for the rest of us who can’t be bothered, lets just stop posting things that we wouldn’t want anyone else to see. Because the truth is you may be sharing it with just your friends but Facebooks sharing it with the world. But mostly, advertisers.