Facebook outsourced to Neighbourhood Watch

With the social-media giant’s market share set to contract over the next ten years, Mark Zuckerberg has been on the look out for a ‘low tech’ solution to his ‘curtain twitching’ needs. Facebook has been forced to acknowledge that there are certain things the internet cannot do; such as ‘keeping an eye on Mrs Norris’ cat’, ‘casting disapproving looks at foreigners’ and ‘making friends with the postmen, so you can cop a feel of everyone’s parcels’.

Not at all pervy

While internet analysts have expressed concern that Facebook has experienced a 25% drop in younger users, this has been offset by a 80% surge in the over-55s. Capitalizing on this demographic shift Mr. Zuckerburg plans to make use of his ‘grey surfers’ to record the comings and goings ‘of every last vehicle’. In 2013 profits grew sevenfold with the use of ‘day time TV tracking’, ‘mobility scooter advertising’ and ‘Candy Crush Saga Cruises’.

Facebook is said to be unconcerned by the claims of digital agency iStrategylabs that losing a million US teenagers annually is symptomatic of a ‘loss of relevance’. A spokeswoman said: ‘…if anything, the elderly are internet trend setters. Since the late 60s, citizens have pounded the streets to plaster conspicuous lampposts in stickers – surely this is the very origin of the pop-up ad? In prying into the goings on at No.27, we can helpfully target adverts based on their needs for patio paving, a good shovel and human remain disposal.’

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