As obsessive readers and fans of dismissing quality movies as inferior to their literary counterparts, it's important for us to know which books will head to the big screen ahead of time. How else will we know how Wild Reese will be, or what is going to happen to Peeta? Be reasonable. We've decided to use our research for the good of society and share the adaptations coming soon that we are most excited for.
1. The Spook's Apprentice - Joseph Delaney (Seventh Son)
Thomas Ward (Ben Barnes) is the seventh son of the seventh son, which gives him the ability to see things that others cannot: ghosts, ghasts, boggarts, and the like. He becomes an apprentice to John Gregory, the Spook (Jeff Bridges). Julianne Moore is set to play Mother Malkin, one of the most sinister witches who uses blood magic, luring young runaway women into care before sucking their blood to maintain her youth, who was then imprisoned by the Spook. Kit Harington and Djimon Hounsou also star.
2. Fifty Shades of Grey - E.L. James
Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, in case you somehow didn't know, are stepping into the roles of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey for the adaptation of the incredibly successful erotic novel. Steele, a literature student, interviews Grey as a favor to her roommate, but quickly becomes entranced by this brilliant and handsome man who is unable to resist her. He admits his desire, but on his own terms; this is a man with a need to control everything. This is also probably going to be the movie with a bunch of heavy-breathing sweaty middle-aged women trying to control themselves in the theater. You've been warned.
3. In the Heart of the Sea - Nathaniel Philbrick
The last time Ron Howard and Chris Hemsworth teamed up, they brought us one of the best films of 2013, Rush. Now, they're at it again (along with Cillian Murphy and Benjamin Walker) with this story of a whaleship attacked by one angry whale, leaving the crew shipwrecked and stranded for 90 days, thousands of miles from land. The true story inspired a little book by Herman Melville (played in the movie by our favorite, Ben Whishaw) entitled Moby-Dick.
4. The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith (Carol)
W. W. Norton &amp; Company
Patricia Highsmith, author of successful novels-turned-movies like Strangers on a Train and The Talented Mr. Ripley (we're choosing to ignore the recent The Two Faces of January here), wrote The Price of Salt, which will be released as 'Carol.' The novel itself, controversial for its lesbian content and unprecedented gay happy ending, is said to have inspired Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita. The film stars Cate Blanchett, Rooney Mara, and Sarah Paulson, with Far From Heaven and I'm Not There director Todd Haynes helming.
5. Dark Places - Gillian Flynn
Shaye Areheart Books
Gone Girl author brings us yet another chilling thriller. A young girl is the sole survivor of a massacre that leaves both of her sisters and her mother dead in an apparent Satanic cult ritual. She testifies against her brother, but 25 years later, she begins to investigate the actual events. Charlize Theron, Chloë Grace Moretz, Nicholas Hoult, and Christina Hendricks star.
6. A Walk in the Woods - Bill Bryson
HarperCollins Publishers
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants director Ken Kwapis is set to direct Bryson's memoir, starring Robert Redford and Nick Nolte. The hilarious book describes Bryson's attempt to walk the Appalachian Trail with his friend Stephen Katz. Emma Thompson and Parks and Recreation's Nick Offerman will also star.
7. Insurgent - Veronica Roth
As conflict between the factions and their ideologies grows, a war looms for Divergent's post-apocalyptic Chicago. In this sequel, we're still following Shailene Woodley and Theo James' Tris and Four as they try to understand the reasons for Erudite's insurrection and obtain information the Abnegation are trying to protect. Kate Winslet, Zoë Kravitz, Ansel Elgort, and Miles Teller return in their supporting roles, and are joined by some all-star names: Naomi Watts, Octavia Spencer, and Suki Waterhouse.
8. Serena - Ron Rash
The dynamic duo of mega-nominated movies Silver Linings Playbook and American Hustle are back at it! Bradley Cooper plays a man trying to maintain his timber empire during the Depression, while Jennifer Lawrence plays his wife who discovers she can't have children. For some reason, we're a little terrified of JLaw in this movie from the trailer.
9. Silence - Shusako Endo
Taplinger Publishing Company
This 1966 novel about a Jesuit missionary sent to 17th century Japan where he endures persecution is set to be adapted by Martin Scorsese. It will also have an all star cast of Andrew Garfield, Liam Neeson, Ken Watanabe, and Adam Driver.
10. The Longest Ride - Nicholas Sparks
The producers of The Fault in Our Stars, the author of The Notebook, and the hottest Hollywood son around, this movie already has us in love with it. Scott Eastwood and Britt Robertson play two lovers and there's a rodeo or something; we don't really know, we were just thinking about how much this movie will make us cry. Time to read the book.
11. Far From the Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
The Hunt director Thomas Vinterberg tackles Thomas Hardy's novel. Carey Mulligan stars as Bathsheba Everdene, a woman who has too many men in love with her and of course rejects them all until she falls for one. Three men, played by Michael Sheen, Matthias Schoenaerts (Rust and Bone), and Tom Sturridge (On The Road), all after this woman: who will she end up with? We actually just read the plot description and had everything spoiled and somehow still gasped and cried at those three paragraphs. Why didn't we know about this book before?!
12. Paper Towns - John Green
Dutton Books
The Fault in Our Stars author John Green's next book to be adapted by the same team who adapted TFIOS (Scott Neustadter &amp; Michael H. Weber). Margo and her adventures are legendary at her high school, and Quentin ("Q") has always loved her for it. Margo climbs through his window and demands he take an all night road trip of revenge, but when she goes missing the next day, Q realizes she's left clues for him and promptly hits the road again in search of her. Cara Delevingne will play Margo and TFIOS' Nat Wolff will play Q.
13. The Revenant: A Novel of Revenge - Michael Punke
Carroll &amp; Graf Publishers
Academy Award-nominated Alejandro González Iñárritu (Birdman, 21 Grams, Biutiful) is set to direct Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy in this adaptation. Partially based on the life of fur trapper Hugh Glass. Leo will play Glass, who is mauled by a bear, then later robbed and left for dead by his companions. He survives and sets out for revenge against those same men.
14. The Secret Scripture - Sebastian Barry
Faber and Faber
A one-hundred-year-old woman, Roseanne McNulty, in a mental hospital for about 50 years decides to retrace her history. As the hospital faces demolition and he must choose which of his patients should be transferred and which should rejoin the community, Dr. Grene also tries to discover her history. What they find is very different, though there are some consistencies. Vanessa Redgrave and Rooney Mara will play Roseanne McNulty, Eric Bana will play Grene, with Theo James also starring.
15. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley
Penguin Classics
An oft-adapted novel, Mary Shelley's classic is to be turned into yet another film, this time directed by Paul McGuigan (Lucky Number Slevin, Push). The updated version, titled Victor Frankenstein, will be told from the perspective of the doctor's assistant, Igor. The film will explain how the doctor became the man who created the legendary monster. Daniel Radcliffe will play Igor and James McAvoy will play Victor Frankenstein.
16. The Martian - Andy Weir
Crown Publishing Group
Described as Cast Away meets Apollo 13, the novel follows an astronaut stranded on Mars, fighting to survive (which also sounds mildly like Gravity to us, no?). Ridley Scott is set to direct a pretty stellar (no pun intended) cast here: Matt Damon, Jessica Chastain, Jeff Daniels, Kristen Wiig, Donald Glover, Kate Mara, and Chiwetel Ejiofor. This sounds like a great movie already, but we'll have to wait until November to see it.
17. The Jungle Book - Rudyard Kipling
Macmillan Publishers
Walt Disney Pictures is working on this live-action/CGI mash-up of the classic book, directed by Jon Favreau (Iron Man, Chef), with a mind-bogglingly incredible cast. Bill Murray, Idris Elba, Ben Kingsley, Christopher Walken, Scarlett Johansson, Lupita Nyong'o, and Breaking Bad's Giancarlo Esposito will provide voices, while newcomer Neel Sethi will play Mowgli.

Some people would laugh at you if they knew how much you actually enjoyed these movies, but we're not here to judge. In fact, we're here to enjoy them along with you. These guilty pleasures are immensely entertaining and we should make no apologies for liking them. So watch them to your heart's content!
1. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
kanjinai.tumblr.com
After re-watching this “re-imagining” of Dirty Dancing on Netflix recently, it holds up as total guilty pleasure material. It stars Romola Garai and Diego Luna in a forbidden love story that includes steamy Latin dancing, pre-Mad Men appearances by John Slattery and January Jones, and a modern soundtrack (even though the movie takes place in the ‘50s). Can’t beat that.
2. 27 Dresses
GIPHY
Remember when Katherine Heigl was still Hollywood’s golden girl? This movie represented her rom-com peak. Even though it left us with many questions (How is a woman as beautiful as Heigl so hopelessly single? How does she afford that humongous NYC apartment on an assistant’s salary?), we can’t help being utterly charmed by it.
3. Definitely, Maybe
GIPHY
We’re definitely, maybe a little ashamed to love this movie so much. But it's like three romantic comedies in one! Ryan Reynolds tells his young daughter about the three major loves in his life (played by Elizabeth Banks, Rachel Weisz and Isla Fisher), and at the end you find out which one he ends up with. It's wonderful.
4. Magic Mike
GIPHY
“Pleasure” is the operative word here. What other movie allows you to shamelessly ogle a stripped down Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey and Joe Manganiello all at once? This may be a guilty pleasure, but we’re only a tiny bit guilty about it.
5. 21 Jump Street
GIPHY
Why did we find this movie so funny? The humor should have been beneath us. But we laughed – a lot – at Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum as undercover cops pretending to be high schoolers. We clearly weren’t alone, because the movie did get a sequel after all.
6. Taken
GIPHY
If Taken is on, we must watch. It’s required. Sure, it’s a totally ridiculous and over-the-top action flick, but Liam Neeson is somehow believable as a highly trained operative who’ll stop at nothing to rescue his daughter. It’s pretty much a classic at this point.
7. Burlesque
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Christina Aguilera’s first (and probably last) movie. This can be categorized under “so bad it’s good.” You can’t deny Cher’s divalicious presence, or the beyond-catchy soundtrack. Bonus: Kristen Bell as a sassy burlesque mean girl.
8. The Proposal
GIPHY
Romantic comedy plots are always somewhat outlandish, but this one’s a doozy. A demanding boss forces her employee to pretend they’re engaged so she won’t get deported to Canada. (He probably should have reported her to HR.) Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds not only make this watchable, they make it pretty darn enjoyable, too.
9. The Fast and the Furious
GIPHY
Come on, you know you’ve seen at least one of these movies. You probably can’t recall the plot, but you’ve definitely seen one. They’re completely mindless and that’s why they’re fun.
10. Mr. &amp; Mrs. Smith
GIPHY
You can’t deny the entertainment factor of this popcorn action flick. Nor can you deny the chemistry between Brad and Angelina. Pretty obvious they were going to end up together in real life. Bonus appearance by Kerry Washington in her pre-Scandal days.
11. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
GIPHY
As a full-grown adult, it’s perfectly acceptable to say you love Disney/Pixar movies. But sometimes we like other animated movies, and we’re not ashamed to say it. This one has food puns galore and great voice work by Bill Hader.
12. Love Actually
GIPHY
We dare you to convince us that you don't watch this movie every holiday season. Because we're pretty sure you do. Except now when you watch it you're all like, "OMG, it's Rick from The Walking Dead!"
We want YOU to add your favorites to this list. Tweet us and tell us your favorite guilty pleasue movies!
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Despite being nowhere near the announced cast list for Judd Apatow's upcoming comedy Trainwreck, Daniel Radcliffe and Marisa Tomei were revealed to be a potential part of the film by way of some curious set photos from the New York City shoot. In the photos, Radcliffe and Tomei are seen covered under a blanket of poodles. Radcliffe is also shown walking a big group of dogs solo. If the two actors are, in fact, part of the movie they would join a seriously odd and wondrous cast that including the likes of Amy Schumer, Bill Hader, Brie Larson, Colin Quinn, Vanessa Bayer, Ezra Miller John Cena, and Barkhad Abdi.
Since we doubt that Mr. Radcliffe has morphed into some sort of crazy dog person in the ensuing years since the Harry Potter went on permanent recess, we're just going to ignore this little tweet from director Judd Apatow denying Radcliffe's involvement and assume that he's in the film, albeit in a small cameo role. Whatever Radcliffe's role in the film turns out to be, it looks hilarious, and the images of the actor corralling a half dozen dogs at a time are all so wonderfully caption-able, we couldn't help put take a stab at them with our best one-liners.
First:
Getty Images/Steve Sands
“No, it’s okay. You just have to sing to them and they’ll calm down. I saw it in a movie once.”
Harry Potter had to take up dog walking after earning that useless Philosophy of Magic degree from Wizard State University.
“I don’t know why you expect me to control them; I think a few of these dogs are bigger than me!”
“I’m starting to rethink this whole ‘quit showbiz to become a dog walker and search for your inner happiness’ thing.”
"I'm not sure, but one of these may be my uncle."
“Get some dogs, they said. It’ll help you recover from the trauma of losing Sirius, they said. Don’t worry, they almost never trample you to death, they said.”
“…And then the spell must have ricocheted off of something, because everyone in the Gryffindor common room turned into a dog and Ron keeps terrorizing the hot dog carts and I don’t know what to do.”
And now:
Getty Images/Steve Sands
“What, you think I’m scared of a few dogs? I conquered the Dark Lord. I am invincible.”
“I mean, once you learn how to ride a dragon, other animals just don’t seem that intimidating anymore.”
"Lean Parseltounge at Hogwarts, they said. You'll never need to know Poodletounge, they said. The poodles will never attack… "
“Could Cripple Billy do this? No. No he could not.”
“You wanna start something? I’m Harry Potter, I will curse you into next week. I will command these poodles to lick you to death.”
“What? Have you seen rent prices recently? That Harry Potter money doesn’t cover everything.”
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BBC One
Looks like all that experience flying the TARDIS is about to pay off for Matt Smith: he’s just joined the cast of the upcoming Terminator: Genesis in an unspecified-but-important role. Deadline reports that the former Doctor will play a character with a strong connection to John Connor (Jason Clarke), who will also play a major role in the film’s sequels. Smith is the latest nerd-friendly addition to a cast that includes Game of Thrones’ Emilia Clarke, Divergent villain Jai Courtney, and Dayo Okeniyi from The Hunger Games. And of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be back to step back into his signature cyborg armor.
The franchise is a good fit for Smith, who already has plenty of experience jumping from time period to time period and planet to planet on Doctor Who. In fact, Smith is so good at handling rifts in time and space that we could see him fitting in, no matter when or where in time you dropped him. To prove this theory, we’ve crafted a timeline of Smith’s possible time travel adventures, using the most iconic time travel-based movies and TV shows. We start, of course, with the first major civilization…
- 410 BC: Smith’s first trip goes back to Ancient Greece, where he hopes to sit in on one of Socrates’ lectures, only to find out from one of the other students that “So-Crates” had hopped into a time machine and set off for the future to help two slackers in their intellectual pursuits. (Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure)- 528 AD: Smith finds himself in Camelot, where he convinces the King to make things right with his people before Merlin and Morgan Le Fay manage ursurp him. But first, there’s a little matter of jazzing up all that boring old chamber music… (A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court)- 1400s: Climbing through a hole in the fabric of time, Smith arrives in Sherwood Forest, where he is recruited by Robin Hood his Merry Men, and a band of dwarves to help give to the poor. Well, he intends to, but once he finds out how insane Robin Hood is, he decides it might be better to head elsewhere and avoid getting killed. (Time Bandits)- 1621: Smith arrives in colonial America to find two talking turkeys scrambling around in an attempt to escape some hunters and put a stop to the first Thanksgiving. He decides to help them, thinking it will be funny, but discovers they’re just dumb and so he leaves it up to them to figure it out. How much trouble can two turkeys with a time machine cause, after all? (Free Birds)- 1920s: After he accidentally gets into the wrong car, Smith finds himself transported to 1920s Paris, where he hops from party to party with the Fitzgeralds and a fellow time traveler who wanted writing advice. He doesn’t remember much but he’s pretty sure someone actually had a lampshade on their head at one point. (Midnight in Paris)- 1955: There’s another mix up with cars, and Smith ends up crashing the Pine Valley prom, where he discovers that his best friend is actually his son. It takes a while to process, but his future wife is really pretty, even if there’s some weird tension there with their son. (Back to the Future)- 1959: Smith hops forward a few years, where he meets the smartest dog of all time and not-so-bright boy, and helps them work on a time machine of their own called the WABAC. They invite him to join in on an adventure, but Sherman accidentally hits the wrong button, and Smith is sent forward in time by himself… (Mr. Peabody)- 1981: To the early ‘80s, where he meets Alex Drake, who is determined to figure out how she ended up in the past (although if you ask Smith, he thinks she should be more concerned with the clown that’s following her around.) Luckily, he remembers a few things about Sam Tyler that should help nudge her investigation along, even if she probably won’t like what she discovers. (Ashes to Ashes)- 1984: Smith hops forward a few years, only to find himself caught in the crossfire of a murderous cyborg with an Austrain accent, and a human soldier who is trying to keep the cyborg from killing an innocent woman. Once he realizes that he will soon get to act out this scenario on a safe, closed, set, he hightails it out of there. (Terminator)- 1993: Somehow, Smith manages to jump to an alternate universe, and finds himself at Hogwarts castle, so he immediately searches out Harry, Ron and Hermione, and helps them save Buckbeak, then rides the hippogriff off into the sunset. It all goes smoothly, although Harry is confused as to why Smith keeps calling him “Dan.” (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)- 1994: The time turner can only turn so far, and Smith ends up a year in the future, where he agrees to help Max Walker investigate a crooked politician. He doesn't really care about the plot, he really just wanted the chance to hang out with Jean Claude Van Damme. (Time Cop)- 2004: After Smith and Walker arrive in 2004, he heads to a charming lake house to get in some R&amp;R, only to find a guy staring forlornly at a mailbox, waiting for the flag to raise. It’s a little too sappy and maudlin for him, so he tells the guy to go chase after his love, or at the very least, to find a red pill that would put him in a more exciting sci-fi universe. (The Lake House)- 3000: Smith rockets forward to the end of the millennium, where he stumbles across a cargo-delivery company run by the most dysfunctional group of people he has ever met. Still, he lets himself get roped into drinking with the robot and his friends, and it’s the most fun he has on his whole trip. Too bad the accident-prone intern cut the party short by accidentally sending him forward in time. (Futurama)- 3978: Smith washes up on the beach of a weirdly familiar-looking planet, only to find that the natives – all of whom appear to be apes – aren’t thrilled with his presence. He manages to escape his capture and follows the shoreline in order to find a way home, only to discover, to his horror, the ruins of the Statue of Liberty. (Planet of the Apes)
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CBS
Before Sarah Paulson scared up fame on American Horror Story, before Gary Cole became America’s least favorite boss in Office Space, and before Lucas Black played Paul Walker’s alternate in the Fast &amp;the Furious films, they all starred in the amazing short lived series American Gothic.
Caleb Temple (Black) witnesses the murder suicide of his mentally challenged sister Merlyn (Paulson) at the hands of his father. Suddenly, he becomes the obsession of the town Sherriff Lucas Buck (Cole). Merlyn’s ghost reveals that Buck’s intentions are sinister and she tries to protect her brother from beyond the grave. Caleb’s only ally is his newfound cousin Gail Emory (Paige Turco) who is not much of a believer in the occult. Each episode, Caleb’s goodness attempts to undo Buck’s hold over the inhabitants of Trinity, South Carolina.
The series was penned by 1970s pop singer Shaun Cassidy and produced by Sam Raimi (Spider-Man). Not only did the cast all go on to become popular television mainstays but the series is insanely addictive. It has the same dark and creepy vibe of Twin Peaks with a firmer grasp on the occult mythology. It also relies more on the characters and their motivations than on esoteric mysticism. Instead, it explores the humanity of a small town and the complex relationships therein. Cole’s role of Sherriff Buck plays out like the Devil corrupting the town’s inhabitants and trying to own Caleb. Paulson also shined despite having a somewhat minor role in the series.
The series was the first major role for Paulson and Black. Black was just a boy at the time and went on to star in Sling Blade, Jarhead, and Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Cole became a household name after playing Mike Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie and Bill Lumbergh in Office Space.
The series ended prematurely but did have a very satisfying full first season. It’s available in its entirety on Hulu Plus.
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Lions Gate via Everett Collection
When we last left our heroes, they had conquered all opponents in the 74th Annual Hunger Games, returned home to their newly refurbished living quarters in District 12, and fallen haplessly to the cannibalism of PTSD. And now we're back! Hitching our wagons once again to laconic Katniss Everdeen and her sweet-natured, just-for-the-camera boyfriend Peeta Mellark as they gear up for a second go at the Capitol's killing fields.
But hold your horses — there's a good hour and a half before we step back into the arena. However, the time spent with Katniss and Peeta before the announcement that they'll be competing again for the ceremonial Quarter Quell does not drag. In fact, it's got some of the film franchise's most interesting commentary about celebrity, reality television, and the media so far, well outweighing the merit of The Hunger Games' satire on the subject matter by having Katniss struggle with her responsibilities as Panem's idol. Does she abide by the command of status quo, delighting in the public's applause for her and keeping them complacently saturated with her smiles and curtsies? Or does Katniss hold three fingers high in opposition to the machine into which she has been thrown? It's a quarrel that the real Jennifer Lawrence would handle with a castigation of the media and a joke about sandwiches, or something... but her stakes are, admittedly, much lower. Harvey Weinstein isn't threatening to kill her secret boyfriend.
Through this chapter, Katniss also grapples with a more personal warfare: her devotion to Gale (despite her inability to commit to the idea of love) and her family, her complicated, moralistic affection for Peeta, her remorse over losing Rue, and her agonizing desire to flee the eye of the public and the Capitol. Oftentimes, Katniss' depression and guilty conscience transcends the bounds of sappy. Her soap opera scenes with a soot-covered Gale really push the limits, saved if only by the undeniable grace and charisma of star Lawrence at every step along the way of this film. So it's sappy, but never too sappy.
In fact, Catching Fire is a masterpiece of pushing limits as far as they'll extend before the point of diminishing returns. Director Francis Lawrence maintains an ambiance that lends to emotional investment but never imposes too much realism as to drip into territories of grit. All of Catching Fire lives in a dreamlike state, a stark contrast to Hunger Games' guttural, grimacing quality that robbed it of the life force Suzanne Collins pumped into her first novel.
Once we get to the thunderdome, our engines are effectively revved for the "fun part." Katniss, Peeta, and their array of allies and enemies traverse a nightmare course that seems perfectly suited for a videogame spin-off. At this point, we've spent just enough time with the secondary characters to grow a bit fond of them — deliberately obnoxious Finnick, jarringly provocative Johanna, offbeat geeks Beedee and Wiress — but not quite enough to dissolve the mystery surrounding any of them or their true intentions (which become more and more enigmatic as the film progresses). We only need adhere to Katniss and Peeta once tossed in the pit of doom that is the 75th Hunger Games arena, but finding real characters in the other tributes makes for a far more fun round of extreme manhunt.
But Catching Fire doesn't vie for anything particularly grand. It entertains and engages, having fun with and anchoring weight to its characters and circumstances, but stays within the expected confines of what a Hunger Games movie can be. It's a good one, but without shooting for succinctly interesting or surprising work with Katniss and her relationships or taking a stab at anything but the obvious in terms of sending up the militant tyrannical autocracy, it never even closes in on the possibility of being a great one.
3.5/5
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If last night's episode of Saturday Night Live was Sesame Street, it would have been brought to you by the letter "A," for Austrian host Christoph Waltz. The episode also known as "Things that shouldn't be funny, but are". The self-proclaimed serious actor made light of the fact that he didn't think he'd ever get asked to host because well, he's not funny. But he was. So much so in fact that in the majority of his skits he was the reason the cast regulars couldn't keep a straight face. Unfortunately we weren't always laughing with them. Check out the highs — musical act Alabama Shakes — and lows.
Live from the Carnival Cruise Poop Deck
Nothing says SNL target more than a broken-down cruise ship, so it was fitting that the Carnival Triumph disaster was the premise behind the cold open. Cecily Strong and Jason Sudeikis served as cruise directors trying to comfort passengers with magicians, news from the outside world and a comedian, played by Jay Pharoah. He of course nailed it with his Chris Rock impression and then threw in the word dookie a couple of times for added chuckles.
Are Austrians Funny?
As a European actor who didn't really show up on American radars until he was cast in Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds, we were hoping Waltz's monologue would have given us more of an insight into him. Instead we got bad Austrian cliches and a song even his fellow countryman, Arnold Schwarzenegger would have been embarassed to sing.
RELATED: Christoph Waltz on 'SNL': Will He Score Hosting Gold?
The Game Show Equivalent of Depression
This skit — in which Waltz played the wannabe serious host of a game show where the only premise was asking contestants "What have you become?" — was depressing. And speaking of sad, so was the host's attempt at dancing. His last name is Waltz for goodness sake. By the end we were asking ourselves, what has become of the last five minutes of our life?
What Does a Retired Pope Do?
When it comes to pre-taped skits, they always have the most potential because they get to film it during normal hours when the comedians are not so bleary-eyed and half asleep. But this commercial about a financial planning company that helps retiring popes with their future had us hoping our future didn't include any more silly skits.
Tippy: The Character We Wanted to Invite to Leave This Episode
Awkward racist dog walker Tippy made us miss long-time favorite Debbie Downer. Sadly this girl was the exact opposite of one of SNL's most beloved characters. Tippy was the annoying chick at the party trying to jump in every conversation in search of the funny. Keep looking.
NEXT: About That Djesus Sketch....
You Thought Django Was Rough? Wait 'Til You See DJesus!
The second pre-taped skit was a trailer for a new faux movie, Djesus Uncrossed. In it Waltz played resurrected Jesus who goes about exacting his revenge on those who wanted to crucify him. It was so violent and reminiscent of Kill Bill that we're pretty sure Tarantino actually directed it. Though Keenan Thompson's Ving Rhames impersonation as Pontius Pilate deserved more airtime.
The Jamarcus Brothers Three
Thompson and Jay Pharoah are guaranteed laughs together. This musical skit teamed the two in what felt like a nod to a certain R-rated Justin Timberlake/Adam Samberg skit where they sang about a d-ck in a box. Waltz later joined as the "white" brother — and if it is true that Austrians aren't funny, someone should tell Thompson because he couldn't stop laughing every time the host deadpanned his lines.
The Alabama Shakes Get Down With "Hold On" and "Always Alright"
This band has exploded on the musical scene so fast that they are still relatively unknown to the masses. And we bet many viewers were as eager as we were to see what the fuss was all about. Thankfully they didn't disappoint with some high-energy performances of the popular "Hang On" and "Always Alright" that featured the eclectic voice of singer Brittany Howard. For many, it was probably the most watchable segment of the night.
Weekend Update: What Have You Become?
Oh Seth Meyers, how we love thee. Normally. But tonight something was off. In a show sometimes short on laughs, this segment is one we can always count on. This time the chuckles were coming from the guests: Senator Marco Rubio and Olya Povlatsky, the Russian girl whose life in her village was so horrible that she actually wished the falling meteor had taken her life. Another example of something that shouldn't be funny, but is.
NEXT: Fred Arminsen. In a Dress...
Regine: Or Fred Armisen in a Dress
If you thought the host and longtime cast member Fred Armisen had chemistry in the commercials leading up to the show, you should have seen them as a couple. In this skit — one of the few where the regulars were actually laughing at one of their own, versus the host — Armisen dressed in full drag to play Waltz's girlfriend. But that's not even the ugly part. The two proceeded to touch each other in an erotic manner that elicited squeals from Armisen. He then proceeded to writhe over the group so much that he flashed the audience multiple times. Thankfully after we were brave enough to peek from behind the hand over our eyes, we realized it was planned. And Armisen was wearing underwear and stockings, covering all of his comical bits.
Fox and Friends, Now With More Ted Nugent
The gang is back to poke some fun at the easy target of the Fox News show. This skit rarely misses — with so much content to go after. While Ted Nugent mocked crazy people, a UK scientist tried to inform the uneducated anchors that horse meat is not actually harmful for you. Leading them to surmise that one should never leave the good ol' USA.
Not-so Secret Admirer
The final skit of the night poked fun again at Waltz's foreign accent, as he played a creepy security guard named Dmitry who makes an extremely awkward Valentine's pass at Strong. Not realizing it was Dmitry as the author of the love letter she reads aloud to her colleagues, she asks the guard to find out who the culprit is. As Waltz questions the office colleagues, they all seem to break character fighting to contain their laughter. Must be a sign we have reached the end of the show.
[Photo Credit: Dana Edelson/NBC]

Year's end is close upon us and the Hollywood.com staff is finally ready to weigh in on the best of the best of big screen. We sat through movie after movie, January through December, to give you a definitive list of 2012's stand out films. Who made the cut? Read on for our writers' picks for the best movies of the year:
The Best
21 Jump Street (Picked By Kate Ward)
The reboot of the 1980s series starring Johnny Depp had everything going against it: It was released during the industry's March dead zone, which also happened to coincide with disinterested audiences' increasing desire to give all Hollywood reboots the boot. But 21 Jump Street jumped past all these hurdles, becoming not only one of Hollywood's few entertaining reboots, but one that showcased the surprising comedic talents of 2012's A-list breakout Channing Tatum. And in a year full of blockbuster tentpoles (The Hunger Games, Breaking Dawn — Part 2, and The Dark Knight Rises) and Oscar bait (Argo, Les Misérables, and Django Unchained), how could you not lend some support to 2012's true underdog?
Amour (Picked By Matt Patches)
In the last 20 years, Michael Haneke has explored every facet of human evil, no act of violence or shame too perverse for his cinematic journeys. Amour is new territory for the auteur, certainly his sweetest film to date, yet continuing his trend of forcing us to confront our deepest fears as emotional beings. With two powerful performances by French actors Emmanuelle Riva and Jean-Louis Trintignant, Haneke's film follows an elderly couple who grapple with staying sane in the final moments of their lives. Anne (Riva) is bed-stricken and barely aware of her surroundings. Georges (Trintignant) dedicates his every minute to taking care of her. The audiences watches, inspired, shocked, and warmed by the simple, raw drama of it all.
Anna Karenina (Picked By Abbey Stone)
Jon Wright's luscious, highly stylized adaptation of Leo Tolstoy's classic story of love and despair divided critics, but I was captivated by it. A departure from Wright's sweeping retellings of such literary masterpieces as Pride and Prejudice and Atonement, Anna Karenina is claustrophobic, physically and figuratively. By trapping his characters in the ever-moving sets of an imperial theater (used to its best advantage in a heart-stopping horse race scene), Wright illustrates the rigid, suffocating bounds of Russian society life. Tom Stoppard's screenplay, meanwhile, takes Tolstoy's tome and strips it down to simple language that conveys the most elemental of human desires. The gorgeous costumes, actors, and landscape (a literal breath of fresh air when you venture outside the stifling theater) all compliment one another to create the film's mesmerizing dreamscape.
Argo (Picked By Kelsea Stahler)
It may be a mind-bending thought to suppose that a Ben Affleck film may be in the running for an Oscar, but Argo is unavoidable in the conversation about who’ll take the awards stage in February of next year. But the reason it stands out as a favorite in 2012 isn’t owed to any fancy behind-the-scenes footwork. This film hearkens back to an older time in both setting and style; it’s got a few frill and all the suspense and soul audiences require of a great movie. Heck, it’s even got a few moments of tense humor, which is practically requisite of a film that involves the production of a fake Star Wars rip-off as a resolution to a harrowing hostage situation. Argo is by no means the most perfectly-crafted film of 2012, but it rises to the top tier as one of the more solidly enjoyable and diverting films of the year. And since it’s based on a true story, you might even learn a thing or two.
The Avengers (Picked By Sydney Bucksbaum)
The Avengers rounded up all the Marvel movie superheroes in what could have been a film reminiscent of Michael Bay: gratuitous action and destruction of major cities, with little to no plot. Thankfully, with Joss Whedon at the helm, we were gifted with a snarky, funny, cinematically stunning, emotionally deep look at what motivates the men and woman behind the masks. Plus, watching the Hulk throw Loki around like a wet towel was insanely gratifying. This movie got us extremely excited for the next phase of the Marvel superhero movies, beginning with Iron Man 3, which will commence immediately after the events of The Avengers. We’ll finally get a chance to see what happens after all the death and destruction of superhero fights.
Beasts of the Southern Wild (Picked By Aly Semigran)
Benh Zeitlin's stunning debut about a brave, fierce little girl named Hushpuppy (miniature force of nature Quvenzhané Wallis) living in a post-storm bayou with her detiriorating, alcoholic father Wink (fellow impressive newcomer Dwight Henry) is an exhilarating, overwhelming experience. (To call it a tearjerker might imply you've had any tears left afterwards.) While the film may, in part, be about the awesome power of nature, it's really about love and the incredibly strength we can find in ourselves in the most challenging situations. In addition to the brilliant performances and masterful direction, Beasts also had the best musical score of any film this year.
Cabin in the Woods (Picked By Shaunna Murphy)
After an eons-long release delay, Cabin in the Woods finally made its way to theaters this spring — and for this, I thank the vicious, vengeful Gods. I would gladly sacrifice a gaggle of idiots for this perfect blend of (dare I say it?) meta, self-aware horror-comedy. The dialogue and wink-wink horror tropes were endlessly entertaining, while still being pretty scary — and not just while you're stoned, though Fran Kranz' Marty makes a pretty good case for legalization. Also, it's Bradley Whitford's best work in years. Also also, Richard Jenkins.
Cloud Atlas (Picked By Matt Patches)
Cloud Atlas was an ambitious movie the directors of The Matrix spent years trying to convince investors could work, but the result was worth the wait. A sprawling, interconnected story chronicling life's biggest challenges and the human spirit that overcomes them, Cloud Atlas is a big screen experiment that makes full use of its canvas. Spanning the 19th Century to the post-apocalyptic future, the Wachowskis, working with co-director Tom Tykwer, used special effects and A-List actors to tackle grand themes with a three-hour movie that stands as one of 2012's only true epics.
The Comedy (Picked By Matt Patches)
Tim Heidecker has made a career out of pushing the boundaries of "acceptable" comedy, but little did we realize he was only scratching the surface of the artform's subversive nature. In The Comedy, the actor loses himself in Swanson, a terrorist of the deadpan variety. Heidecker takes privileged young people to task in a tour-de-force performance that's hilarious, terrifying, and completely mesmerizing. Director Rick Alverson strips down the New York City landscape to its ugliest, laying on a rumbling soundscape to ensure our descent into Hell isn't too comfortable. The Comedy isn't easy to swallow, but for anyone looking for a challenge, it's a satisfying meal.
The Deep Blue Sea (Picked By Christian Blauvelt)
A tear-stained reverie of faded love and heartbreak, director Terence Davies’ first narrative film since 2000’s equally devastating The House of Mirth is the year’s most thoughtful, introspective character study. Rachel Weisz, in a career-best performance, plays a woman in 1950s London caught between her uncontrollable, adulterous passion for a former RAF pilot (Tom Hiddleston) and her awareness that he’s a total cad, unworthy of her (or any woman’s) love. So she thinks that suicide is the only way to reconcile head and heart. Set during the course of one day—the day on which Weisz’ character has decided to end her life—Davies’ delicate camera expands the parameters of the Terrence Rattigan play on which it’s based through a mosaic of flashbacks that chart the progression of her affair, including the most haunting depiction of The Blitz you’ll ever see.
The Hunger Games (Picked By Leanne Aguilera)
"May the odds be ever in your favor.” This past March, audiences were led through a whirlwind of raw emotions and heart-pounding adventures as 24 tributes schemed, fought, and killed in the brutal quest to be the winner of the 74th Annual Hunger Games. The first installment of Suzanne Collins' best-selling trilogy The Hunger Games was triumphantly transferred to the big screen, overall becoming the highest grossing female-led action film of all time. And for many book fans, hearing Jennifer Lawrence desperately call out, “I volunteer as tribute!” brought chills of excitement and satisfaction to know that they have cast the perfect Katniss Everdeen to eventually rise up against the Capitol as the Mockingjay that we all know, fear and love."
Lincoln (Picked By Kelsea Stahler)
This historical drama couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time. Just as our country teeters on a precipice, demanding compromise and change, Lincoln sweeps into to tell the story of one of the nation’s most honorable politicians as he affected one of those most important and necessary changes in our history through less-than honorable means. Daniel Day-Lewis is could not be more perfect to capture the intimate portrait of the 16th American president, a man many of us presume to know from school-day history lessons. The film glosses over a few historical points of Lincoln’s move to pass the 13th Amendment before the end of the Civil War, eschewing them for the more dramatic moments, but in a landscape of Captain Americas and Iron Men, it’s a comfort to enjoy a film about an American hero whose strength was of conviction instead of brawn.
Magic Mike (Picked By Aly Semigran)
Don't call it the Channing Tatum stripper movie. Steven Soderbergh's sleek, smart, and — yes, sexy — slice of Americana is so much more than that. Part buddy comedy, part cautionary drama, the well-written and well-acted (Channing, who knew?) Magic Mike was a genuine risk taker that paid off big as the thinking woman's fantasy antidote to Fifty Shades of Grey. Plus, Matthew McConaughey's supporting turn as an sociopathic strip club owner is worth losing your shirt over.
Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted (Picked By Lindsey DiMatinna)
This movie was so much fun. I love all the crazy plot lines, especially watching Alex fall in love. But, the circus performance at the end was totally brilliant, especially in 3D. The 3D effects made all the action in this movie come alive right in front of me and made me feel like I was a part of the cartoon story. Yes, I am still a kid at heart.
Moonrise Kingdom (Picked By Alicia Lutes)
It's almost too easy for people to find reasons to dislike or poo-poo the work of Wes Anderson. It's "too precious" or "too indie," detractors cry in a flurried, expected manner. But with his 2012 release, Moonrise Kingdom, we saw Anderson's deft hand take a well-guided stab at childhood, romance, and the heart one develops from living in those moments. It's whimsical in the way all childhood memories are, but grounded in a wonderful story outside of its beautiful scenery and charms. Richly-developed characters, a need to escape, and the raw emotion of living—this is what makes 'Moonrise Kingdom' a highlight of 2012. Performance highlights include Bill Murray (duh), Frances McDormand, Bruce Willis, and our young heroes Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward.
Oslo, August 31 (Picked By Christian Blauvelt)
Norwegian director Joachim Trier’s second film, ‘Oslo, August 31,’ lets the world unfold during the course of a single day through the eyes of a character contemplating suicide. In this case, it’s Anders (Anders Danielsen Lie), a 34-year-old guy with intellectual pretensions who’s let out of a drug-rehab clinic for one day to attend a job interview with a magazine. As the title suggests, the movie is also something of a city symphony for Norway’s capital, which Trier (yes, he’s distantly related to Lars) calls “the suburb of Europe.” ‘Oslo’ is purely a cerebral affair, with a character who rationalizes his irrational choices in a way that’s stunningly logical…and all the more unsettling for it.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Picked By Michael Arbeiter)
It’s no easy feat to turn a universally life-changing coming-of-age novel into an equally powerful feature film. Granted, it doesn’t hurt to have the novel’s author at the helm of the movie — such is the case The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which author Stephen Chbosky adapted from the very book that turned high school around for so many sad and lonely teenagers into a piece of cinema with just as dynamic an emotional force. The film’s starring players — a Logan Lerman stuck in his own head, an Emma Watson drenched in self-contempt, and (best of all) a hilarious and heartbreaking Ezra Miller as a young man charged with defending his sexual orientation against the world around him — breathe a life so vivid into Chbosky’s magical words, serving the story with just as much affect as the incarnates of yourself and your friends that you imagined to be fostering these roles upon first reading the book. From the softer, sweeter moments, to the dark and hard-to-watch turns, Perks is wholly real, reminding even those of us who read about and related to Charlie so many years ago just what it’s like to be him. And to feel, if only for a second, infinite.
Silver Linings Playbook (Picked By Anna Brand)
When you put Bradley Cooper in a movie without a strange baby and booze and smack a mental illness on him, doubts will soar. The same way Jennifer Lawrence without a bow and arrow undoubtedly creates skeptics. But leave it to these off-beat stars (with a 15-year age difference!) to bring seamless honesty and perfect chemistry. The blue collar setting – much like the director's The Fighter – is captured in such a relatable way it's almost desirable. Even though we get an ending as unrealistic as the time Matthew Mcconaughey chased down a taxi on a bridge and got to Kate Hudson just in time in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, it didn't take away from the thought-provoking story and spot-on acting. Not even a little bit. In fact, it was what we wanted all along.
Sleepwalk with Me (Picked By Michael Arbeiter)
Sleepwalk with Me is not at all just a celebration of standup comedian Mike Birbiglia, nor of standup comedy in general. It is a celebration of storytelling. Birbiglia channels his own ascension of the industry in this semi-fictional account of the comic’s early career, romantic relationships, and struggles with a chaotic sleep disorder. In the sentiment of the age-old “write what you know” adage, Birbiglia’s film expresses the philosophy that the greatest stories — be they funny or serious in nature — are those infused with the most honesty and intimacy. When Birbiglia’s author surrogate Matt Pandamiglia embraces his flaws and shortcomings, he learns just how much merit lies within the stories he has at his disposal. And beyond just influencing his career as a standup does this lesson influence his life — in the most laugh-out-loud and sincere fashion imaginable.
Zero Dark Thirty (Picked By Matt Patches)
Director Kathryn Bigelow and writer Mark Boal continue to mine high drama from real life circumstances, following The Hurt Locker with a how-can-this-possibly-be-true true story behind the investigation that led to the assassination of Osama bin Laden. Like a modern All the President's Men, Zero Dark Thirty finds emotion in the facts, keeping us on the edge of our seats as Jessica Chastain's Maya loses herself (and her friends) to the hunt. We know how the story ends, but impressively, getting there never seems predictable.
The 5 Worst:
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (Picked By Aly Semigran)
No one was in on the joke here. Not the audiences who wisely skipped out on the adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith's comic novel of the same name and especially not filmmaker Timur Bekmamtebov, who played this dreck up as if it were a legitimate period piece without having his actors (including the talented, Benjamin Walker, who deserves better) so much as a wink or a nod to its overtly absurd premise. Joyless, poorly executed, and, considering it came out the same year as the masterful Lincoln, downright embarrassing.
Brave (Picked By Matt Patches)
Pixar's perfect streak took a major bump after Cars 2 and the hope was Brave, the animation studio's first fairy tale, could get them back on track. No dice. Princess Merida's tale had potential, but never ran with it, taking a hard left in the middle of Merida's cry for independence to explore a wacky tale of a Bear and her daughter. With a feeling of being slapped together, Brave missed the mark. Attribute it to high expectations — the film demands the scrutiny thanks to years of near-perfect work.
Chasing Mavericks (Picked By Brian Moylan)
A good movie should have sympathetic and interesting characters who follow a narrative arc. There should be development and consistency and rousing performances and new revelations about the human condition. In the absense of all of those there should at least be enough robots, lasers, superpowers, and aliens to keep you distracted for a couple of hours. Chasing Mavericks has none of those. Based on the true story of a young man whose neighbor teaches him to surf the biggest wave in California, this Gerard Butler vehicle lurches from scene to boring scene through some tired melodrama and stock sportsporational set pieces. Aside from some top-notch surfing footage this is a complete waste of time, even more so that there could be a revelatory story somewhere in there.
The Raven (Picked By Matt Patches)
With cinematography inspired by your local diner's split pea soup, writing at which airport mystery novelists would turn up their noses, and acting from the school of crazy Nic Cage, The Raven had all the pieces to be a so-bad-its-good cult classic. Instead, the Edgar Allen Poe serial killer flick is impenetrable dreck, the only reminder of the meandering film's stakes being John Cusack's hysterical (and overly repeated) scream of the name "EMILY!" every few minutes. Emily made a smart move — she disappeared from the movie.
The Master (Picked By Christian Blauvelt)
2012 had no greater “Emperor Has No Clothes” movie moment than The Master, a shallow, sodden character study about wayward sailor Freddie Quill (Joaquin Phoenix), a guy who likes to stand akimbo, jut out his jaw, and mumble unintelligibly (Phoenix’s sole acting choices) before and after falling under the thrall of an L. Ron Hubbard-style pseudo-philosopher (Philip Seymour Hoffman). Director Paul Thomas Anderson’s uncritical preoccupation with power, the select few who hold power, and everyone else who covets power, seems to have devolved into adolescent banality since his genuinely frightening depiction of Tom Cruise’s modern-day pied piper in Magnolia. Which is to say that it’s hard to imagine why any Scientologist, Cruise included, would be offended by anything in The Master. Anyone have some of Freddie Quill’s paint thinner so I can drown my sorrow about this mess of a film?
Or is it the best? (Picked By Matt Patches)
Anderson became the talk of the town in 2012 when he unveiled The Master's stunning 70mm photography, a picture quality so crisp and saturated that even if the film chased its narrative tail for two hours, the visuals would be enough of a pay off. Luckily, he had something incredible to capture in the wide-frame glory. Using religion as an entry point, The Master takes us as close to someone's internal monologue as an outsider can possibly get, with Phoenix and Hoffman's range of skills on full display as they unravel the imbecile Freddie and the seductive Lancaster Dodd. When clashed together, The Master becomes a tense match of wits. Who loses in the end is ambiguous, making the secrets of the human mind the heart of the film.
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First, let's start with the bad news: The Mayan calendar (and, more importantly, a stellar John Cusack movie) have confirmed that the world is ending in a few weeks. I know, right? And we were all totally going to lose those 15 lbs and start journaling in 2013. Then there's the even worse news: You missed a lot of really good TV in 2012. So much good, in fact, that you have no hope of catching up before the end of days. That's where we (and the good news) come in — we've rounded up the best TV spoilers of 2012, so you can spend your remaining days with your family, or whatever. SPOILERS AHEAD, but sorry — no one will ever know who actually killed Alison DiLaurentis on Pretty Little Liars.
Let's start with the little guys:
How I Met Your Mother: Drama! It was eventually revealed that Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) is marrying Robin (Cobie Smulders). Also, Victoria (Ashley Williams) left her future husband at the alter for Ted (Josh Radnor), but they broke up afterwards because Ted wouldn't stop being friends with Robin. Those crazy kids!
The Office: Angela (Angela Kinsey) found out that her husband was cheating on her with Oscar (Oscar Nuñez). Way to be a good coworker, Oscar.
Parks and Recreation: Speaking of workplace comedies, Leslie (Amy Poehler) and Ben (Adam Scott) finally became engaged! It was adorable.
You still with me? Good. Because it all goes downhill from here. Time for some suicides and martyrdom:
Sons of Anarchy: The universally beloved Opie (Ryan Hurst) was brutally murdered early in the show's fifth season — sacrificing his life for the club in the most horrendous way possible (he was beaten to death with a lead pipe).
Mad Men: Then there was the tragic tale of Lane Price (Jared Harris), the British sap who hung himself in his office after he found himself in financial trouble, and was fired by Don. Not a dry eye in the house.
But not all major deaths on TV this year were via suicide — 2012 was huge for killing, or being killed by, children. Let's explore, shall we?
Breaking Bad: In the former category, the artist formerly known as Landry (Jesse Plemons) from Friday Night Lights (now known as Todd on Breaking Bad) murdered a small child after said child witnessed Todd, Walt, and Jesse robbing a train. It was probably the most disturbing moment on TV this year, which says a lot, given our next spoiler.
The Walking Dead: This one sounds horrific, but it actually made a lot of people happy — Lori (Sarah Wayne Callies) died via C-section childbirth during a Walker attack on Walking Dead. Doc Herschel and the rest of the Grimes Gang were busy fighting Walkers in the prison, so Lori's son Carl (Chandler Riggs) had to watch while Maggie (Lauren Cohan) tore out her baby with a dirty knife. Then Carl shot her, before she rose again. It was a classic mother/son coming-of-age moment.
Downton Abbey: This one really hurt. Lady Sybil (Jessica Brown Findlay) from Downton also died during childbirth — but she didn't become a zombie, so she should just shut up and count her blessings.
Those were all really depressing, so let's move on to justice — quite a few criminals were caught in 2012:
Breaking Bad: First and foremost there's Walter White (Bryan Cranston), the drug kingpin currently known as Heisenberg . We haven't yet seen the aftermath, but the first half of Season 5 ended with Walt's brother-in-law Hank (Dean Norris) learning his dirty, methy secret. Dun dun dun.
Dexter: This was a long time coming — Deb (Jennifer Carpenter), the brilliant Miami Metro detective, finally learned that her brother is a serial killer. So far, she's been taking it surprisingly well.
The Killing: Oh, we finally found out who killed Rosie Larsen. It was her Aunt Terry, sort of. Then the show got canceled.
Homeland: Nick Brody (Damian Lewis) was found out and captured by the CIA much, much earlier than anticipated. He's now working with them as a double agent, which is never easy when your other agency is TERRORISM.
Enough with all the humans. Supernatural spoiler time:
The Vampire Diaries: Elena (Nina Dobrev) became a vampire at the end of the third season's finale. This season, she totally dumped Stefan (Paul Wesley) and slept with Damon (Ian Somerhalder). Bad girls do it well.
Fringe: Peter (Josh Jackson) willingly turned himself into an Observer after his daughter, Etta (Georgina Haig), was killed. It was horrifying. He's going bald!
True Blood: The newly single Bill (Stephen Moyer) willingly drank the blood of the ancient, evil vampire Lilith at the end of last season — rising as an evil entity, and effectively earning the nickname "Billith." Run, Sookeh!
Now let's move on to family drama:
Revenge: Season 1 of ABC's new(ish) hit ended with Emily (Emily VanCamp) learning that her long-lost mother (Jennifer Jason Leigh) was still alive, while everyone else thought that Victoria Grayson (Madeleine Stowe) had died. She hadn't, and Emily's mother ended up being very, very boring.
Revolution: Meanwhile, over on NBC's latest hit, good-guy Miles (Billy Burke) was revealed to have started the evil Monroe Militia — the same militia that recently kidnapped his nephew. (And they still haven't turned the lights on.)
Game of Thrones: In a case of outright family treachery, Theon (Alfie Allen) betrayed the Starks by storming Winterfell, pretending to kill young Bran and Rickon, and slaughtering many of their people.
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Okay, that doesn't sound right. Right? Right. If you've been been paying attention to the important news of the world, People magazine already revealed the real sexiest man alive, but on Tuesday night's 'Don't Trust the B----' Chloe (Krysten Ritter) had another agenda. Now, let's just forget for a moment that this was one of most blatant and egregious forms of product placement to date, okay? Okay. So, Chloe had hopes of granting James Van Der Beek's wish of nabbing the coveted title. The title that makes all the people of the world fawn all over him, he thinks. That would get Katie Holmes back in his arms, begging for a reunion and one last kiss. All the while, Chloe would still be able to f*** with June (Dreama Walker), since the small-town girl can't quite shake her creepy obsession with winners from past years. It's a win all around for our dear bitch, and she's about to get started.
See, June's been getting her hands on People magazine's sexiest man alive issue since she was young enough to know Barbie's Ken doesn't really have a penis. She's been dragging her mom around, drooling over such hotties as Denzel Washington and Jean-Claude Van Damme. She hangs on People's final word before embarking on another year of new obsessions. This is her life, we find out. But she doesn't think Dawson is sexy. Nope. His hair and nose and flannel and the way he skips over with their morning drinks gives her the opposite of throbbies. And she can't accept that Chloe has devised this plan. A plan that would save his life and ruin hers. But can it be done?
Of course it can! It's Chloe for crying out loud. If there's anything we know about a cool bitch it's that she always gets her way. Cruella storms into People's offices and immediately fires the first person to ask her a question. And then the next. She proclaims that she's in from their London office and is stepping in as managing editor. She swishes and screams and draws peens on the white board until the rest of the team decides she is in fact their new boss. What kind of crazy person would do otherwise?!?! So Cruella tells them to think outside the box. Think way outside the box. To a creek, perhaps. To a far away land where rope-choker necklaces are the shit and crying in public is freakin' hot. Her minions start scribbling. They know.
Cue Dawson on a horse, naked, feeling confused and tingly at the same time. He's having a ball. He will soon be the new "It" man and June can't get enough of it. She is literally shaking off an impending orgasm and consequently suffering from a severe case of blue tubes. She can't control the heat when she sees that dirty blonde scruff and those dopey eyes. Now that Dawson could potentially be in the same sex bucket as George Clooney, Matt Damon and Sean Connery she physically can't handle it. And he loves it. He loves it so much, he's having a blast f****** with her. The heartthrob comes into her room and starts pouring a smoothie on his clothes. "Oops." June convulses. "Better take that shirt off," he says as he unbuttons, revealing his surprisingly chiseled abs. She starts sweating. Next thing you know he's pouring more of his drink on his bare chest and then drops down to do some pushups (four. five. sex. seven) until hopping in the shower holding nothing but a hand towel. Dead.
Meanwhile, back in People's conference room, Chloe is whipping things in shape. She's choosing layouts, shrieking in her office, banging on her phone pad, and singling out an insecure editor. (Actually, not the least accurate portrayal of the magazine industry…) June walks in and admits that she is a sheep. She only loves the men People tells her to love and she just can't help it. But that isn't the problem. The problem is that she really does want to take Dawson, rip his clothes off, and make him her boy adventure. And that is exactly what she intends to do.
June finds Dawson in the early morning pacing in front of a newsstand, waiting for it to open for business. He can't wait to see his boyish grin on the cover of People magazine. And neither can June. She tells him right there she wants to have sex with him. She wants it now. Dawson grabs her face, bringing her close and pulling her hair, and lands his aggressive lips right on hers. They back away, in shock of what's just happened, but not lusting for more. "Nothing," she says. "I felt nothing." There was no spark. June felt nothing there or there. It was all such a shame, until the stand opens and magazines fly out, only Dawson isn't to be found. He is not on the cover. He is not the sexiest man alive.
[Image Credit: Richard Cartwright/ABC]
Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl
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