Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Last week I was forced to make the hardest decision I've yet to encounter. Whether or not to put down my dog, Baxter. After careful thought and considering all of our options, we decided it's for the best to put him to sleep. That happens today, men. Today I tip my cap and send my furry brother to canine heaven. Blind, deaf, senile with diabetes/kidney disease is no way for a dog to live, in my opinion. For those of you who are pet owners, you know where I'm coming from. This little son of a bitch has been my right hand man for 8 years.

Despite all of the shit soup he would make in the bathroom while Wheelz and I were out enjoying dinner. Despite the frantic meltdowns he would have during every 3AM thunderstorm or with every garbage truck that would drive by or if someone would cut a loud fart. Despite the times he would dumpster dive in the kitchen after we went to bed. Despite all of his imperfections he was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time in my life. He pulled me through some of the worst and darkest moments of my life and it sounds really insane...but I'm not sure if I would have made it through if he weren't there with me. It's crazy what kind of loyalty and commitment a dog brings to the table. He never wavered. He never left my side. People could learn a lot from dogs. My only hope is that he always knows I did everything I could to give him the best life a dog could ever have. And I know this is on the verge of becoming incredibly gay and sappy but this is my post, dammit. It's also my therapy. And if I have to be sad then I'm bringing you all fuckers down with me. So join me in grabbing a 40 of your gas station malt liquor of choice and celebrate the life of a damn fine dog by pouring some on the lawn. You will be missed, friend. We'll always be pals.

Now that I've depressed the shit out of everyone, let's get into the post! Since I'm sure G$ will be blabbing about the draft tomorrow, let's take a break from sports and discuss something everyone here should love as red blooded Americans. Movies. Maybe we have done this post in the past...maybe not. But we're doing it regardless since my brain is on auto pilot. Ever since I quit chewing (3 years this past February) movies have lost a tiny bit of luster for me. Nothing was better than tossing in a fat fucking lip cookie and spitting brown juice into a Gatorade bottle while being entertained for 2 hours. Don't get me wrong...I still LOVE plopping my ass on the couch and killing brain cells with cinema but it's definitely not what it used to be when you subtract the Timberwolf Mint Long Cut from the equation...my cancer of choice.

So the other day, my brother Jordan and I were discussing movies and the topic of Mount Rushmore of actors came up. I thought this would be a pretty solid post idea since all of our tastes here are different. Ace probably submerges himself in black and white silent films from the 20's because he's a fag, Drew I'M SURE is a closet chick flick collector, Seal has nothing but UK highlight VHS tapes and I, of course, own every Dolph Lundgren movie to ever hit the shelves. Because I'm a sucker for a blond flat top. For my Mount Rushmore I have men only. Because women actors are only good if they show their tits and most are too prude to do it. And let's face it...men are just better.

1. Leonardo DiCaprio - This should be a consensus pick on everyone's list. Every last thing this dude touches turns into solid fucking gold. Someone was even smart enough to put Leo in the Great Gatsby remake...which is a terrible movie from the 70's and an even more terrible book. Relax...I was forced to read it in school. Leo's presence in this movie alone is enough for me to be on board. Leo is the reason that I finally watched Blood Diamond...2 years after it came out. It just sat on my shelf collecting dust. Taunting me. Finally I said, "Well...DiCaprio has never steered my wrong in the past. Fuck it." I still get pissed when I think about how long it took me to watch that movie. Never again will I make the same crucial error.

Best work: The Departed

2. Denzel Washington - Another consensus All American selection. If you don't like Denzel Washington then you can GTFO. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Get the fuck out of here right now. If I ever overheard someone saying how Denzel was just "okay" or "nothing special" I would immediately belt them over the head with a sock full of quarters. And yes...I do carry that with me at all times. You never know when you're gonna have to Homie the Clown the shit out of some fucking punk. Denzel's resume is nearly flawless.

Best work: The Hurricane

3. Tom Hanks - Here's where some lists could veer into a different direction. Granted Hanks loses points for being half responsible for the creation of Colin Hanks...but he gains points for doing a damn fine impersonation of every half retarded Alabama football fan in Forrest Gump. I thought I saw someone on here question the greatness of that film in the past. If that's true, show yourself so I can bare knuckle box you to death. Because that movie is fucking fantastic. And Hanks' performance in Catch Me If You Can is so fucking choice. Hanks AND Leo in that movie? I creamed about 9 pairs of underwear while watching that beauty.

Best work: The Money Pit

4. Christian Bale - Here's where the debate begins. His performances in the Batman movies vaulted him into my top 4. Because THAT'S how you do Batman. Plus the fact that he's impossible to work with makes me like him even more. I like my actors as tortured souls who can get set off with the tiniest of mishaps. And Bale has more than a few screws loose. Obviously.

Best work: American Psycho

There ya go, gents. Hope I didn't depress the fuck out of you too much today. Just know that getting all that out helped and that's part of the reason why we do this as G$ alluded to in an earlier post. So as we warm up to the Browns drafting another guy that will set their franchise back 30 years, lets talk about the leading male actors who really get the dick blood pumping. I'm sure Grumpy will say shit like Humphrey Bogart and Clark Gable. Because he's fucking old. Make sure you all follow Ide on Twitter for pictures of him sucking some Mexican's dick as the Jets draft another terrible QB tomorrow. It'll be worth it. Peace out, N-words.

49 comments:

Good list. For a while, I would have thrown in Brad Pitt, because Seven, Snatch, Oceans 11, Fight Club, and True Romance is one hell of a resume. But, he looks to be buttfucking zombie movies so I'm not so sure.

Leo is the man, but, Django > The Departed.

I will also throw Matt Damon in the ring too. He is top 4 for sure. He also has an impressive list of movies. Rounders owns.

Tomorrow is a go. I will spend the day at a funeral for a coworkers father, so drinking and racism will be on the plate tomorrow. I have decided to do an 'oral live twitter' where I basically just tweet every joke I hear. If last year was any indication, its going to be very offensive. I hope to take some boss pics of the crowd.

Not that this is a contest or anything but my sister was walking her dog on the norfside of Chicago a few weeks ago when she saw a girl sitting on the sidewalk crying while holding her dog. The dog collapsed and died mid-walk. That is awful.

Sorry for your loss, Iceman. Your post describes to a "T" why dogs are man's best friend. I've only ever had a dog put to sleep once in my life and it was in the summer between 8th and 9th grade. A terrible experience indeed, but she was battling kidney failure and had stopped eating, so it was the right choice.

My Mt. Rushmore:

Matt Damon - Only a few of his performances have blown me away, but he is consistently solid and in a lot of the best movies of the past 15 years.

Best Movie - The Departed

Tom Hanks - For a period in the 90's and early 2000's it seemed like every movie he starred in was a guaranteed blockbuster success.

Best Movie - Saving Private Ryan

Robert De Niro - His work in Goodfellas and Casino really solidified this for me. It seems like he and Joe Pesci played the same character in both movies, but De Vito always came out on top.

Best Movie - Casino

Leonardo Di Caprio - He, too, was a key piece of some of the best movies of the past 15 years, but he impressed more than Matt Damon.

Best Movie - Catch Me If You Can

Honorable Mention: Joe Pesci - I love mob movies and watching him fly off the handle with his Napoleon complex was always hilarious.

I can't, in good faith, add Pacino Dawg. Or Deniro for that matter, Drew. You have to analyze the entire résumé and both those guys have been polluting the streets in the 2000's and 2010's. Deniro especially. And I'll say it...The Godfather and Scarface are both OVERRATED movies.

And Tom Cruise on any man's list is just a God damn insult. He just puts out average fluff year after year. Now I have to drive to Columbus and not only smack G$ in the head with a sack of quarters but I also have to bare knuckle box him to death. So we're gonna need someone to pick up the slack the other 4 days I'm not writing. Seriously...black or not you would have a quest in front of you if asked to find a dud on Denzel's résumé. Damon and Pitt are at least in the conversation.

Woah, woah, woah, lets back up a minute. Godfather is OVERRATED? You fucking twat, you are out of line here. I'll give you Scarface, because only black people think that movie is actually great (it's merely good), and they are a stupid bunch. But Godfather? The fuck?

You must keep in mind that that movie was made well before any of us (haha not you grump) were born. While that story has been done to death and back, and it doesn't really look as groundbreaking today, back then, it was the cat's ass. I still think it is, but that's because mob movies are ELITE.

I understand your hatred for G$ not seeing Forrest Gump (what a fucking dick), but that hatred should be returned on you equally for speaking ill of Godfather.

*GASP* Freeman better than Denzel?! How dare you! No chance. Remember Freeman was in that abomination Robin Hood movie with Kevin Costner. As for The Godfather...I'm not saying its a terrible movie. I'm not even saying that its not a great movie. It's a fine work of cinema. But the way people blow their loads over this film is a bit overdone. I don't consider that movie the GOAT. Which almost every American movie watched does. Shit...I wouldn't even put it in the top 10. Maybe not even the top 25.

I'm so sorry, Ice. Even though I knew it was coming it was still a real kick in the balls when I read your post on Facebook today. Baxter and I had some great times drinking together. I'll always remember chasing his ass down the alley that one day when he somehow escaped. I always imagined he repelled down the side of the house using your bed sheets even though the truth is probably far less exciting. He was a great dog.

Fuck. Why is it so dusty in the office today.

Anyway, I'm not a huge movie fan. I'll take a good TV series over movies. I always end up getting distracted or watching the timer waiting for a movie to end. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. That said.

Tom HanksLeoDamon

Cage -I LOVE the movie "Lord of War" and am usually entertained in the stuff he's in. I'm prepared for the backlash that this selection is sure to cause.

ICEMAN - Don't be a raging hipster liberal douche. Disliking a movie for any reason other than the movie itself is too prideful. The Godfather (part two, and part 1) are two of the best films ever made. Admit it, you can stop and watch it anytime that they are on TV. Don't be foolish because you want to take the 'everyone likes it so I can't' route.

Daniel DeLewis - he is the greatest and would totes be on any Mt. Rushmore built. He only produces and award winning film and best actor Oscar almost every time he shows up.

BEST FILM - There will be Blood.

Everyone else on here is debatable, but no way Denzel and Bale makes it on here. Hell Bales best movie was made when he was 7 (see Empire of the rising Sun). Pacino and DeNiro would totes get the nods over these BRAHS.

By the way Ide, the wife and I just started Game of Thrones last night. I'm obviously really far behind as that was only the first episode but it's pretty fucking sweet. Looking forward to dragons, tits, violence and what not.

Bale is pretty good. American Psycho is ELITE, and he played a mean crackhead in The Fighter (also great). He isn't top 4, but he isn't far behind.

While Kevin Spacey is as gay as, well, Kevin Spacey, The Ref is a severely UNDERRATED movie. My favorite part is everything.

You can bag on that Robin Hood movie, but I dare you to say that you didn't like that movie when it came out. Kevin Costner wasn't bad in the early 90's. Tin Cup, Untouchables, JFK, and A Perfect World (seriously great movie) were all excellent movies. And it is the best Robin Hood movie to date, though I did love the Disney cartoon as a kid.

Oh shit, I'll throw in Clint Eastwood. Any western he is in, Million Dollar Baby (another vote for Freeman here), and a little movie called Gran Torino. Fuck it, he is top 4. His entire body of work is tits.

How is that being a hipster?? I just said the Godfather was good and I like the movie. I'm just not sucking its balls the way everyone else does because I think there's better stuff out there. Considering there are probably over a billion movies made in the history of cinema, if I put Godfather in my top 100 (which obviously it is) then I feel like I'm properly giving the movie it's due.

I'm not sure why everyone has an issue with Bale. That guy cranks out fucking cinematic gems. 3:10 to Yuma was such a tits movie and most people haven't seen it. Same with the Machinist. The guy is a wizard.

I'm sorry...you guys are just flat wrong about Christian Bale. The Batman movies were all fantastic. Anyone who says different is just a dick lover. Plain and simple. He did Terminator, The Fighter, Public Enemies, 3:10 to Yuma, The Prestige, The Machinist, American Psycho. More importantly, he's never compromised his greatness by starring in a shitty romantic comedy, doesn't do the "I owe you one films" with awful scripts and doesn't say yes to every last piece of trash that comes across his desk like Samuel L. Jackson.

I'm shocked no one has mentioned Clooney once today....or Channing Tatum since there are clearly a bunch of queers here that hate awesome Christian Bale movies.

I can't run out and "replace" Baxter right away, Ace. Although another dog is definitely in the equation we'll probably wait until after the wedding. Maybe after that happens I can get you to come over and teach it how to face hump. ELITE trick.

I'm actually okay with people who haven't seen Top Gun. It's not THAT good. G$ is TOTES Goose, though.

"If you didn't play in high school (Randall Gibson) then you shouldn't play now, you black asshole"

This made me LOL hard. I defriended Randall from FB because I wasn't interested in reading "swoll" posts every 2 seconds or looking at "jacked" pictures. He fucking would want to play in this embarassment. If I can get that day off from work, I'm 100% going to this game. Hilarity of this nature needs to be documented.

Baxter was 14, Drew. I adopted him when he was 6. And in people years thats about 98 years old. So Wheelz has a long time left to lick peanut butter off my balls.

2. Paul Walker - Sweet bastard is this guy wretched. Running Scared is the ONLY good movie he's been in and I'm sure it was by total accident.

3. Matthew McConaughey - We get it. You're from Texas, you have big muscles and you're a huge gay since you're clearly not a bovine with horns.

4. Colin Farrell - I can't wait until his "good looks" run out. And I put that in quotes because I'm not sure where this attraction from females came from in the first place. He looks like a hairy rodent.