Wednesday, February 29

The anger is starting to wear off, which means I can feel the sadness now. I allow myself a couple of good cries in the bathroom, wash my face, and let it go until I get home. I've stayed busy this week, so that helps. Monday I got highlights and a haircut. Yesterday my boss took a few of us out to dinner. I assumed Uncle Jack's Steakhouse was a shitty chain because of the name (maybe I was thinking about Jack's 99 cent stores?), so I was pleasantly surprised with the wonderful atmosphere and food. The lamb chops were excellent. Tonight Juniper and I are going to see Chronicle and Friday is my birthday drinks at Flannery's again. YAY BIRTHDAY!

I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow. Maybe I'll go shopping for a new shirt to wear on Friday. Oooo...I have a Groupon for an hour-long Swedish massage. Maybe I'll do that, too!

All I keep wondering about is the future. How will MDLL and I move forward after this? Will his lackadaisical attitude toward life always be an issue? What will our next break up be over? A delay in us moving in together? Getting engaged? If we do get back together, will my family and friends drop it or will they always have their doubts? Will there be a smugness/told-you-so vibe if things don't work out with him? Will this further damage our relationships? How can I share my life with MDLL with people who don't believe in us? How can I share my life with MDLL if he's debilitated by overthinking things? What happens if he's not my Taco Lobster? What happens if I'm his post-divorce rebound, he's my first adult love, and we're not meant to be? If MDLL is not the guy for me, will I be as willing to let these people into my next relationship?

Obviously I have to chill out. I don't know what the future holds, so I'm forcing myself to take it one day at a time. The problem is every day that goes by and I haven't heard from him, I know he hasn't filed yet. This hurts. I know he can't make his lawyer friend respond, but I can't help feel like if the tables were turned I'd be sleeping at the courthouse until I got in touch with him. I don't remember the last time MDLL and I went 48+ hours of radio silence. It was probably the last time we broke up, right before Halloween. For the past four months we've spoken to each other everyday. And my parents worry he's not available...

I accept the fact that I put myself in this position. No one did this TO me, I made my bed so I'm lying in it. What I don't accept is the way I've been treated. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I will say this: I am open-minded, honest, kind, NICE, and non-judgmental to almost every person I meet. I'm not perfect, I've been through a ton of shit, so I'm the last person to sit there telling others how to live their lives. I may not agree with racists, litterers, fanatics, or the red states, but I consciously make the effort to remind myself everyone is entitled to their opinion and live with free will. My friend posted this saying from the Dalai Lama: "Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." I could sit there and bash people all I want (and I've wanted!), but I remind myself it has no benefit. The more hate and negativity I spew, the more I become filled with both.

On that note, while I am allowing myself to be angry and upset, I make sure I reflect on the good in these relationships as well. No matter what happens with MDLL, I do not regret our time together. I've loved every minute with him. Sadly, the one thing I do regret is telling everyone he's separated. My advice: think about what you tell people. As honest as I like to be, sometimes the truth is an unnecessary burden.

Sunday, February 26

I don't know the last time I watched an awards show. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable. Since I rarely see Oscar nominated movies, I end up judging people based on their outfit and/or acceptance speech. Farts.

Tonight I did something much more constructive with my time...I picked a fight with MDLL and my parents.

It started with me laying on the couch pretending to be interviewed by someone who wanted to know my opinion about relationships, politics, everything you can imagine. "Me, run for office? No way, the rest of America scares the shit out of me. Plus the media would have a field day with my past." "HOW CAN A WOMAN BE ANTI-CHOICE!?!? I don't understand!!"

As my Irish started to get up, I noticed a check-in at an ex-friend's house on Foursquare. I debated checking in there because I knew it would piss the cunt off. After some maniacal laughing, I decided against it because I'm not a fourteen year old girl. It was fun to pretend I did it though.

THEN I decided to text MDLL with an ominous "Are you home?" to which he quickly responded "On my way, why?". I stopped myself, realizing my Irish was WAY too up to have a normal discussion with him so I wrote "Nevermind, I was going to pick a fight with you, but I'm going to do push ups instead."

He called, I told him I was all riled up, and we had it out. We didn't fight per se, but we are taking a break. Again.

His divorce has not been processed yet. My parents and brother don't want to see him or hear about him until it's done. Some of my friends don't want to either.

I know everyone is worried about me. I know it comes from a good place. BUT FUCKING HELL, THIS SUCKS MY BALLS.

I am so mad at him for dragging this out again. I'm mad at everyone else for being judgmental. It might be black and white for you, but it's not for me. Should I have stopped our relationship before it went gray?? Impossible. You know why? BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE FUCKING GRAY.

I used to worry I was like a Jerry Springer contestant. "He fucked my sister and my dog, but I still want to marry him." You know what? Go Jerry! Go Jerry!

I am in love with MDLL. He may still be legally married, but I love the fucking moron. He is good to me, he loves me, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's told me why he's put off processing the divorce and because of this I put my closest relationships on ice just to give him the space he needs. Why? Because I didn't want to give up on him no matter what the cost. I don't know if that's what love is, if that's what being in love means, but that's what I did because it felt like the right thing to do.

But now I finally hit my bullshit limit. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH HIM. I'm sick of my parents and brother saying shit like "You're dating a MARRIED man." and making me feel like a homewrecker. I'm sick of people acting like I'm a doormat or that I'm only staying with him because I don't want to be single again. NO. FUCKING. WAY. I've been single my whole life, I know how to be single. I just don't ever want to be single again now that I found my Taco Lobster.

Being without MDLL is torture. Absolute torture. He is my best friend, my fuck buddy, my heart, my soulmate. I miss him so much when we're apart that it makes me sick. Our relationship is PERFECT except for this. EXCEPT FOR HE'S NOT DIVORCED YET.

I am fine with him being lazy. I really am, at least when it comes to things I can do without him. I can't sign your papers for you, fucktard. JUST DO IT ALREADY.

I told him earlier this month this is it. I can't do this anymore. I can't be in the middle of him and the people close to me. I told him if he doesn't get his divorced processed by March 1st I am taking it as HE dumped ME. I picked this month because my parents always come up here for my birthday and they specifically called a few weeks ago to say they don't want to see MDLL when they visit. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I hate all of you!

So there you have it. I blasted MDLL, I blasted my parents, and I'm kind of blasting you.

FOR THE RECORD...I will say this: I DO NOT REGRET MY DECISION TO STAY WITH HIM THIS WHOLE TIME. The past four months solidified the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with MDLL. I know that sounds weird after this post, but it's not. I love him for better and for worst, just like I love everyone else in my life that way.

I don't know how the collective we will bounce back from this. How if MDLL and I do get married one day, I will be able to share the moment with the people who gave me shit, but I will try. First things first though...PROCESS YOUR FUCKING DIVORCE.

Wednesday, February 22

I am so friggin task-oriented this week! The biggie was painting my bedroom, which I finished last night. It went from lavendar to light lilac. I wasn't planning on going purple again, but it sucked me back in!!

Tonight is cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. I should have guests more often as it's the only way I'm motivated to do any housework. I'm more messy than filthy, though. I'm like a toddler - I use things/take off clothes and leave them wherever I happen to be standing. MDLL only recently got to see what Delilah looks like after the Thighs bomb hits. He seems to get a kick out of me, smiling as he says things like "I found your deodorant under the Darth Vader mask on the chair in your living room." MDLL is really neat, so it should be interesting when we live together.

Tuesday, February 21

This past week was fabulous. This whole year has been, even with the occasional gluten flare ups!

Saturday night was Rockstar's NYC birthday party. It was SO FUN, I can't wait to see the pictures. I BAKED A CAKE! Me, baked! I tried to decorate it with a big Kermit, fucked it up, and ended with this instead...I had icing all over me by the time it was done. Please remind me to wait at least five hours for the cake to cool. Thankfully everyone enjoyed it!

MDLL and I have spent six out of the last seven days together. Valentine's Day was perfection. He cooked an amazing seafood dinner, I felt really pretty all dressed up (finally!), and we had a romantic candle lit lovefest. We decided not to do presents, although he did buy me beautiful flowers. That night he mentioned he didn't own two of his favorite Simpsons episodes, so I immediately bought them. Thursday night I surprised him with the DVDs and ate dinner with him before he headed to the bar. Friday night was our second Valentine's Day celebration at Bukkake. It was a delicious dinner. The grilled octopus is mind-blowing. We hung out for a bit afterwards (read: hooked up), then I went to bed and he went out with his friends again.

MDLL is a late night partier. I have no objections to this because if I still had the college-like stamina that he does, I'd be out late too. I like our arrangement because we both get what we want, a good night's sleep and a fun night out. I only have one rule when it comes to his partying: he can never, ever, EVER fucking show up to my friend's or family's party drunk or hungover from the night before. He did this once and he knows I will beat the shit out of him if he ever does it again. Ever since he's been on his best behavior. We had a blast at Rockstar's party Saturday night, then went to Crazy Ass for a nightcap. Sunday we laid around, watched TV, and ate awesome food again. I made breakfast nachos: eggs, bacon, guacamole, salsa, cheese, and corn chips. AMAZEBALLS. Later we went for Thai food, which I cannot get enough of now that I know I can eat it. (Pad Thai is rice noodles. Hooray!) Yesterday he was going to go home and relax, while I was going to paint my bedroom. Rolo and her boyfriend are staying at my place this weekend (YAY!), so I used their visit as motivation to finally fix up Delilah. MDLL was nice enough to stay and help me paint, then I took him out to dinner as a thank you.

MDLL came over around 6pm on Saturday before the party. He left at 10pm last night. That was 52 hours of us in a row. I'm not sure if it was the longest stretch we've ever spent together, but - and I hate to admit it - around the 43rd hour mark I sort of wanted to be alone.

A little while later MDLL came in and said something like, "...well I'm getting sick of you so I'm going to leave." I blurted out, "Oh good! I'm getting sick of you too!" happily thinking this was a shared feeling. He looked so sad and said he was only kidding. I tried to cover it up, but it was pretty obvious I was telling the truth. I felt AWFUL, especially since the poor guy was in the middle of helping me paint. I started crying and apologizing. He said he didn't want to overstay his welcome, got ready to leave, but I made him stay. I don't want us to ever leave mad at each other, so I made him watch TV while I finished up the second coat.

We talked about it and I explained that I had an awesome weekend and I'm TOTALLY not sick of him, that I was just looking forward to my alone time. He said he wasn't really upset; he understood because he likes his alone time, too. We talked it out and ended up having a nice night despite me putting my foot in my mouth.

I'm still upset with myself, though. I feel incredibly guilty. After thinking it over, I know why...I don't want to hurt him like my mom hurt me.

Yes, I know this is a stretch considering what I said to him wasn't all that bad, but the amount of guilt I feel leads me to believe this has to do with something deeper than me running my mouth.

I was a commitment-phobe for a long time for a lot of reasons, mainly because I was afraid of hurting the person I love. With everything MDLL and I have been through, I can honestly say I've always approached our tough discussions with an open mind, open heart, and class. We could have had numerous blow outs over his divorce, but I knew it wouldn't have helped the situation. I grew up in a household filled with fighting and negativity and I refuse to create the same experience for my home.

While I do believe it's completely normal for couples to argue, I have worked very hard to learn how to keep my rage-snake in check and communicate in an effective way. I only found out recently that MDLL's wife was a lot like my mother, so the fact that he and I can have open and honest discussions without screaming at each other has really helped the both of us get over some issues.

I guess this is why it hurts so much that I hurt him yesterday. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it and simply learn from the experience. I feel like a broken record when I say this, but I do have to cut myself some slack since this is my first serious relationship. I'm learning it's possible to be mad, disappointed, and/or annoyed with the person I love. I'm also learning what it feels like to accidentally make the person I love mad, disappointed, and/or annoyed with me. It sure is shitty! Blerg.

Tuesday, February 14

1. New Orleans was SUCH a good time! I am so glad I went. The rundown:

~ Best travel group ever. All 12 of us were fun, laidback, and seriously up for a good time!

~ In the 48 hours I was there, something in me has changed forever. New Orleans gets in your blood and right to your core. It celebrates both life and death in a way I never thought possible. The energy, the spirit, the hedonism, the sensuality, the macabre, the sadness, the loss, the rebirth, the history, and most of all, the music. I'm considering going back for Jazzfest next year.

~ Bourbon Street is like the Seaside Heights boardwalk on acid, which naturally means I loved it! Gluttony is everywhere! YOU CAN DRINK IN THE STREETS! Ahhhhh! I had all intentions of flashing people, but I got shy. SHY! I did flash Bacon and Janey, though. FYI, I have pale nipples.

~ The Krewe du Vieux parade has ruined all future parades for me. It is AMAZING. You'll see what I mean once I post my pictures (hopefully this week!).

~ The one thing I absolutely wanted to do was go to Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo for a reading. I sat with a reader named Phillip. He knew I have dietary issues, had lost a lot of weight, was dating someone who is still legally married, and some other things. It was fantastic.

2. Not sure if you heard yet, but THE GIANTS WON THE MOTHER TRUCKING SUPERBOWL!!! AGAIN!!! WOO HOOOO!! I made sure I'd be home on Sunday in time for the game, just in case they made it in. I was worried I would have jinxed them, but NOSIREE! Actually now I think I singlehandedly insured their win. In 2008, I had hung up four Giants paper plates as decoration for my last Super Boobie Bowl. I didn't take them down until this past November. COINCIDENCE?? I think not!!

3. Last Wednesday I was glutened again. Maybe. I'm not sure what the hell got me. Not knowing is very upsetting, but I healed pretty quickly this time. It's the same as it always is: the pain right below my ribs, the shits, the cold, the exhaustion. The best treatment is to stay home, rest, and rehydrate as soon as it happens. I am SO happy I didn't get sick in New Orleans. Thankfully, all of the restaurants were very accommodating to my dietary needs.

4. Unfortunately I wasn't able to go out on Thursday for Jarv's birthday, but I WAS able to go horseback riding with she and Juniper on Sunday! It was fun! We went to Kensington Stables in Brooklyn. The place is a bit of a shithole (horseshit-hole), but I enjoyed the ride through Prospect Park. I'd like to go again when it gets warmer.

5. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! I've always liked Valentine's Day, but I must say I am SUPER excited this year. This is my first real Valentine's Day with not only a boyfriend, but someone I truly, truly love. Last February we were still on our ridiculous relationship roller coaster, but we did have a nice dinner at Bugatti in Astoria (we nicknamed it Bukkake) on the 12th. I thought it would be sweet if we went back there, but they weren't taking reservations or Groupons tonight. We decided to stay in and cook seafood at his place instead. Did I mention I was excited?? I'm going to get all dolled up right after work and head over. I EVEN BOUGHT A DRESS:

WOO HOOOOOO!!

6. Speaking of Groupons, I have a zillion! Tomorrow night Juniper and I are taking a two hour intro sewing lesson. I also have three restaurant coupons (Bukkake included), five Krav Maga/self defense lessons, a swedish massage, an archery lesson, four kickboxing classes, and a two hour intro sculpting class. I am NOT allowed to buy anymore until I use these up!

7. Work is really quiet right now. This is the calm before the March Go-Live storm. My boss said I should be prepared to work everyday, including weekends. I'm not sure what I'll do for my birthday. Luckily it's on a Friday, so I'm hoping I'll get to celebrate it!! If I can, I'll probably have another drink up at Flannery's like last year. If not, I might just have a couple of drinks at Crazy Ass in the neighborhood. We shall see!

Hmmm...I guess that's it! Enjoy your V-Day! I hope you all know how much I love you! <3 <3 <3

Wednesday, February 1

Countdown to NOLA! Friday morning I will be joining Rockstar's 40th birthday celebration down in New Orleans. I can't wait! I've never been there! I'm super stoked to check this place out, see some old friends, and show off my natural non-implanted frankenboobs for some cheap plastic beads! (I ran this by MDLL. His response, "Do what you gotta do.")

Apparently I decided to prepare for the trip by getting wasted Saturday night in Astoria. I went to MONSTER TRUCKS will Juniper, then headed to Crazy Ass to meet the guys. Somehow the night went from 11:30pm to 2:30pm the next afternoon. Here is what I remember:

1. running around the bar with cheesy sunglasses2. dancing3. Sy saying, "Wow, you're never out this late!" and me replying, "I'm ALWAYS out this late." not realizing how late it was4. How late was it? It must have been around 5am because I remember seeing the stools put on top of the bar and the gate pulled halfway down.5. throwing up in MDLL's bathroom6. waking up at some point fully dressed in his bed

As awful as this sounds, I used to brown out/black out a lot when I drank back in the day. I haven't done that in quite a while. I definitely didn't plan on doing it last weekend, it just sort of happened.

Fortunately I didn't feel too bad on Sunday. It was a lovely day of brunching at Bacon's house with a few of my favorite ladies. I had the next day stupids and I did fall over a lot, but nothing crazy. My mind was too distracted to be hungover because I was meeting MDLL's brother that night.

MDLL's family is in Pittsburgh, so this was the first time I was meeting any of them. He is very close with his brother, so naturally I wanted to impress him. I was SUPER nervous about it. I'll admit most of my nerves come from wondering if they'll like me more than MDLL's ex. I know this is dumb, so I'm trying my best to let it go. It's one of those questions I want answered as long as the answer is in my favor.

His brother was very reserved and proper at first. It sort of freaked me out that I might end up in a family of robots. Once he opened up and cracked some jokes I realized MDLL is the same way around people he doesn't know, too. This is called "shyness." Who knew?

The weekend was really good, but I don't feel like I've caught up on sleep yet. Sunday I tossed and turned for some reason. Monday I slept okay. Last night I went to dinner and a movie with Breen (see The Artist now!), then went to MDLL's. I was so exhausted that I stayed over, which I've never done on a weeknight. I slept really well, but I'm still tired today. Oh well, to quote my mother, maybe it's the weather.

Tonight I had planned to go to a birthday party for this really sweet guy from Company, but I think I'm going to skip it. It doesn't start until 9pm, so I was going to go home, do laundry, then head back into the city. I'm still on the fence, although just typing out my plan is making me even more tired.

Decision made. I'm staying in so that I'm well-rested for Nawlins!! WOO HOO!

"Honestly I don't know shit about dating, but I do know how to become the person I want to be. I've gone through a lot of shit the past year and made the effort to survive it all. The one thing I am sure of now is that every moment in life is an opportunity to learn and grow. We just have to run with it."