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It’s Horoscope Time, Once More

Aries:

It’s Time To Get Angry! Let Rage Fill You. If You Can Hit It You Can Misdirect Your Anger At It. If You Can’t Hit It Then You’ve Got A Problem Buddy.

Gemini:

I wonder what would happen if we all had super long tongues, like 3 or 4 feet. That would be super crazy. What if we shook tongues instead of hands. Anyway, you should probably be careful for the next month or so, just in case.

Leo:

You are the equivalent of a human piece of burnt toast with butter on it that has been dropped onto the floor. Embrace that. Let your true spirit soar.

Virgo:

We’re all just walking corpses if you think about it, trying to delay the inevitable march of death.

Sagittarius:

It’s a metaphor, appreciate art for once Janet.

Libra:

You need to look to the future. Be true to yourself. Let inspiration and passion lead you forward. Or not. You will probably be fine if you don’t. Not everyone can be special. Settle for mediocrity. You’ll probably die in your mid 70’s and the highlight of your life will be a two week trip to Hawaii.

Scorpio:

What’s the ratio of ten severed feet to one human body? That and other questions are going to become very relevant very quickly. You better, ahem, step up.

Capricorn:

It has been fourteen years since the day we met, the day we fell in love. I clasp my hand in yours. Your beautiful emerald eyes meet mine. You lean towards me and my breath hitches. “I have a questions for you,” you whisper. I cover my mouth with my hands and you sink to one knee. “Would you rather never poop again or not be able to see the color green?” you ask, tears in your eyes.

Pisces:

If you combine the first letters of all the star signs you get the word “aglvlscpsatc.” Inspiring.

Aquarius:

Know this: I believe in our perseverance, our right to use up the world’s resources and our right to exploit cheap overseas labor.

Taurus:

Release the bees.

Cancer:

“Who am I,” is the question you should be asking yourself in the coming months as you wake up in the park covered in someone else’s blood with no memories and a vague note telling you to “seek the truth.” So much blood, oh god, so much blood.