What your water brand says about you

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Core Water: Calling all freshmen basketball players!!! With that crisp taste and electrolytes and minerals ready to give you a boost before practice, we all see why it’s a right of passage to carry around the container. With the optional plastic sports cap, Core makes us all question: if you don’t have Core water, are you really an athlete?

Fiji Water: The notorious rich kid water. Fiji Water is more of a statement than anything else (forget about basic hydration). If you can afford Fiji water, it must sit in the BMW your parents got you as a first car. Admit it, you’ve refilled the bottle using the drinking fountain so you can eternally flex on everyone (or at least until the bottle starts to lose its shine).

Dasani: Ahh, the water that makes us reminisce the times before we knew how much plastic Dasani caps used. Always in the fridge growing up, this is the essential “my mom just went grocery shopping” water. All vine gods drink this water in tribute to “dat’s a knee,” Dasani’s greatest shining moment on the internet.

Hydroflask: Hydroflask— the cult all the environmentalists and plastic haters are in. Along with your Hydro, don’t forget your reusable straw every morning in case you stop for that organic artisan coffee. You might freak with a little plastic after watching the turtle video, but please remember to wash that Hydro every night!! #HydroSquad

Deja Blue: Only the true Hoban Knights carry the iconic Deja Blue water to class. With a locker full of half empty bottles, Deja Blue brings out the best of Hoban. As mushy cookies rotate in and out of stock, Deja Blue is always there, the one consistent part of your Hoban day.

Acme Water: ANYTHING IS BETTER. Please do not stoop to this level. Yes, half of Hoban works at Acme, but they do not need the representation through stale Acme flavored water. If this is yours, you MUST expand your water consumption habits, anything is better.

*The Visor would like to thank Alaina Bachman for helping with the tasting and critiquing process.