Tuesday, August 3, 2010

In honor of Starcraft 2: Advice from Kerrigan, Queen of Blades

"You need a plan for self-actualization, Girlfriend."

Love is Patient Dear Kerrigan,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He can be very sweet, but he doesn't have a job and he spends every night playing video games. Whenever I ask him to spend time with me, he says he can't because it's raid night and he is the tank. I don't want to begrudge him the time he spends with his friends, but it seems like every night is raid night.

My mom says, if I love him and I am patient, he'll see what I'm worth and he'll change. But my friends say a man will never change, so I should either get used to it, or get out. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Konfused on Korhal

Kerrigan Sez:

Dear Konfused,

Your story reminds me of the time I fell in love with the acid-spewing canopy-crawlers of Forest-world VI. Whenever I tried to get close to them, they fired jets of hot bile at me and then went scampering off through the treetops. But I knew how to make them come around; I ordered my cerebrates to build a hive cluster, and then we systematically consumed all the organic life, until the entire planet was barren and covered with creep. We've since incorporated the genetic material of the canopy crawlers into our new banelings, and I just couldn't be happier.

The moral of the story is this: if you wait for a man to change, you'll be waiting forever, no matter how much you love him. You must force him to assimilate. Once you do, he will be compliant, although he will have a slightly increased tendency to explode.

But, whatever happens with your boyfriend, keep in mind that it won't matter in the long run. The Zerg are going to kill all of you anyway.

Keep the faith, Sister.
Kerrigan

Career Change

Dear Kerrigan,

Since I was a young Protoss, I always wanted to be a Dragoon. As soon as I was of age, I applied to Dragoon school, and after seven years of rigorous training, I achieved my goal. I got everything I thought I wanted, and I've never been so unhappy.

Being a dragoon seems glamorous from a distance, but much of the day-to-day work is unpleasant and distasteful. And the recession has really pinched dragooning opportunities; there have been numerous rounds of layoffs in my company, and if they can cut the templars, nobody is safe. I've been having panic attacks.

I really want to leave my job and do something different, but I'm so heavily invested in my career. I have a lot of student debt, and I am also physically fused into the dragoon exoskeleton.

Is there a way to be happy doing what I'm doing? Is it crazy for me to consider a career change?

Sincerely,
My Life For Aiur

Kerrigan Sez:

Dear Aiur,

The solution to your problem is the same as the solution to most other problems: the Swarm. We have experienced professional zerglings on call 24/7 to quickly dismantle your exoskeleton. We also offer the fastest retraining program in the galaxy, available to you at no charge. You won't believe how quickly you'll be put to use serving the Swarm!

And you'll have my guarantee that once you make the decision to walk into a hive of Zerg, you'll never again have to worry about your student loans or your career prospects again.