Author's infos

Introduction:

I haven't posted a story in a while. I was busy doing research on worm holes, time travel the inernet, heroin and Asian and Latina lesbos for this story. Hope you all enjoy it. Please let me know what you think.

On day Ralph Upchuck was getting ready to go on one of the high speed internets so he could download the Google. Ralph was waiting for the virus protection to kick in before venturing into the high speed internets. Ralph always used virus protection when he was surfing. It didn’t matter which of the internets you were going to be on, it was best to be protected. Ralph knew from experience you could start on one internet and end up on another, risking infection.

It seemed to Ralph that the virus protection all left a lot to be desired. In addition to the more conventional forms of virus protection, Ralph was using a bromide, a canine distemper vaccine, various unguents, a spy ware detector, salves, creams, and an anal suppository in an attempt to obtain humoral and cellular immunity as well as protection against a lethal intracerebral challenge. Ralph felt ready for the heroin now.

Ralph took out what looked like a catsup packet. It was a tan shiny packet that said “HEROIN” on it. Ralph took out his works and poked the factory sealed packet and drew the heroin into the needle.

Ralph had just added heroin to his virus protection regiment after he became infected the previous week while surfing one of the internets. Ralph was surfing the internets which contained information about a semi aquatic rodent native to Europe and North America called a beaver when he was directed to the internets which contained photos of women in various stages of undress, exposing their vaginas. Ralph was immediately infected with a virus. The initial symptoms set in quickly and included a lightheaded feeling of euphoria, a tightening of the scrotum and a swelling of the penis. Ralph’s corpora cavernosa had become engorged with venous blood. He suddenly felt a sudden decrease in blood pressure that could have resulted in fainting.

Ralph undid his imported diesel zip fly button closure straight fit machine washable specially treated pure cotton enzyme washed pleated front chinos with on-seam pockets and back welt pockets. He pulled out his rigid wiener and squeezed it in an attempt to force the venous blood out of his corpora cavernosa and relieve the swelling. Ralph was shocked to see the explosive discharge that resulted and hit the computer screen with a loud “ploop”.

Ralph was quite taken aback by the experience. While pleasurable, It was unlike anything he was familiar with. It wasn’t like driving to Cleveland. It wasn’t like playing a trombone in a top hat. It wasn’t like eating a cheese omelet. It wasn’t like having eight dollars and seventy six cents in your pocket. It wasn’t like when some guy tells you they play the trumpet and pull out a cornet.

It wasn’t like a walk in a summer rain at dusk through the wood of bramble and cottonwood filled with the tweet of the robin and the emphatic "Whip-poor-will" of the whippoorwill. It wasn’t like realizing that you threw up because your stomach was full of puke.

It wasn’t like making meatballs by combining 1 pound of ground beef, 1/2 pound of ground lean pork,1/2 pound of ground veal,1 cup of Italian bread crumbs, 2 eggs, 4 cloves of chopped garlic, 2 teaspoons of oregano, 1 teaspoons of basil,1/2 teaspoons of rosemary, and 1/2 cup of chopped fresh parsley, mixing all the ingredients well and forming medium sized meatballs then frying them in small amounts of fat until they are brown.

Just as the junk started working, Ralph suddenly realized he was hungry. He decided to try a new pizza place he had heard of called “Traversable Wormhole Pizza”.

“Hi, I’d like to order a 12” sausage with mushrooms and extra cheese.” said Ralph.

“When would you like that delivered?” asked the voice on the phone.

“Well,” began Ralph “I just shot up some heroin a couple minutes ago, so I really couldn’t eat it now. I’m really hungry. Why don’t you send it over about 15 minutes ago.”

Ralph hung up the phone and looked at the half eaten sausage mushroom and extra cheese pizza in front of him. He was full and could still taste the sausage and tomato sauce.

Ralph realized he hadn’t yet injected the heroin. He was too full to shoot heroin after eating half of a sausage mushroom and extra cheese pizza.

Ralph’s cellular phone rang.

“Hello” said Ralph. “This is Ralph on my cellular phone.”

“Hi Ralph” said the female voice on the other end. “This is Debra.”

It was Debra, a girl from Ralph’s “Tell a Friend the Truth” church group.

“I’m calling you on your cellular phone to tell you I think I’ve noticed you looking at me at church.” continued Debra. “I wonder what you were thinking.”

“Well Debra,” replied Ralph with a slight hesitation in his voice, “To tell you the truth, I think you have a fine ass and I’d love stick my tongue in it and feast on it.”

“Oh Ralph,” replied Debra, “You’re such a romantic. To tell the truth, I have huge nipples and I wish you were here 10 minutes ago. I farted a what seemed to be about a 6.3 on the Rickter scale. That’s a base 10 logarithmic local magnitude scale that measures torsion seismometer output.” continued Debra, “My poop hatch is like a dutch oven of rotting vegetation, air biscuits, flatus, cut cheese and quief. That particular fart was a real cheek flapper of gaseous intestinal by-products. I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire surrounding area has to be fumigated considering those lingering free-floating anal vapors I’ve left behind. It sounded like I stepped on a couple of huge ducks. It wasn’t very lady like of me.”

“To tell the truth, a lot of guys are nice to me because I’m good looking.” Said Debra, “They will engage me in small talk and banter in an attempt to gain my trust. They basically want to eject semen from their penis. They would like me to be involved in stimulating their penis with my hands, or mouth usually, but I’ve had guys want other things too. I’ve heard this business of ejecting semen from the penis referred to as ejaculating” continued Debra, “I’ve heard it is very pleasurable.”

“Once, my ex-girlfriend asked me in bed if there was something special I would like.” Replied Ralph. “I told her I wanted her to release ass gas. No hesitation. She let out a tiny squeeker on cue, right in my face. A couple of minutes later, she unloaded a whopper that damn near singed the carpet. Sounded like she killed a huge duck. It was total romance.” Continued Ralph. “She never topped that one. I would get the best results with her sticking my tongue up into her bung pie as far as I could and massage her rump while tossing her salad. Sometimes it would happen right away but sometimes it could take 20 minutes before it would come poot pooting out. The romance prolonged our relationship.

Ralph cleared his throat and continued. “To tell the truth, I also love to fart! I have a nice wrangler ass bubble butt that looks delectably juicy in faded skintight jeans or tight and squeaky shiny and squeaky vibrating vinyl or leather pants! I love to rip ass in my tight jeans with no underwear or slide around on a vinyl seat in a bar or restaurant with my leather pants on so I can dig the vibration and sexy fart sounds that it makes. I just love to fart in my black leather pants. The way it smells with the leather gets me hot. My farts smell like eggs or broccoli! Yippie! I’d love to sit on your face and let loose a loud vibrating ripper through my tight jeans! It would smell like rotten deviled eggs!”

Meanwhile in Cleveland some hot Asian and Latino lesbo chicks were playing scissor crotch in their silky sheer nylon/spandex thongs. A couple of them had body modifications. Soon they were sucking each others leather cherrios.

On the whole I found the story to quite gripping. The author's prose was verbose, yet engaging. Clearly this is a well-researched piece. I did have some trouble with the plot inconsistencies, however. Clearly Ralph was in touch with his sexuality, talking comfortably about FFS (Flatulation Fetish Syndrom) – obviously this man knows what his turn-ons are and has no trouble expressing them. Yet, earlier in the story, he doesn't seem to recognize his own erection or ejaculation. Doesn't add up. Also, I felt the Latino Lesbos in Cleveland were underdeveloped. I would have like to go a little deeper there. Still a good, artful work.