Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Saturday, June 20, 2009

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician.

"Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise."

The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna kill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil!"

Friday, January 23, 2009

A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vaction, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleap two per room so they could afford the trip.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didnt get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep.”

The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other debuties. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn’t snore a bit, hehe.”

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogatefather to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was toarrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should behere soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door babyphotographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to....""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in."Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality ofbabies""That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?""Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on thecouch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor isfun too; you can really spread out!""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me""Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if wetry several different positions and I shoot from six or seven differentangles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results""My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith."Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be inand out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of hisbaby pictures."This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London""Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief."And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider theirmother was so difficult to work with""She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the jobdone right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to geta good look""Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement."Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. Themother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when thesquirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,um......equipment?""That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work.""Tripod?????""Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big forme to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she'sfainted!!"