Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I got a lot of work done today. I designed, edited, and ordered material and merchandise for my Dandy Membership subscribers. Members who specified only receiving cat cards will be getting "Cats in Love" - as shown above.

I wrote a lot of emails, chatted with my old friend Terry (she and I have been friends since we were three years old), straightened out my employee schedule for this week, and arranged some training dates for new people as well. I also picked up a prescription, bought groceries, and got cheesy garlic bread and a Caesar salad from Pizza Pizza for my dinner.

But the thing of which I'm most pleased is that, with Ainsley's help, I tidied up the purple room, threw out some useless items, swept and dusted. Mom would have been so proud!

I had Ainsley set up Rob's Rock Star drums for the Xbox, clean them, and then photographs of them. I've had a really hard time getting rid of Rob's things,, but maybe if I enlarged a photo of them, laminate it, and stick it up on the wall, it'll be like I still have it.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Today I asked Sarah to meet me at Loblaws at 4:00 to help me buy some groceries. I was a bit early, so I went inside to browse. Almost immediately a man and a woman came up to me. The man seemed very friendly and he kept saying, "I like your colours! I like your colours!" I knew he probably meant the paint on my wheelchair (unless he was on mushrooms and everything was colourful), so I smiled back at him and pointed to "Thank you" on my board. To my horror he said, "Awwwww!" and patted me on the head. The guy did not know how close he came to being run over! Instead I drove off in search of Sarah.

When I did find Sarah and told her the story, smart ass that she is, she said, "Anne? Didn't Lenny tell you that you've turned into a cat?" I laughed of course, and we bought cat nip. I said, "I feel like getting high and rolling around."

Seriously though, people, if you meet me somewhere please control yourselves. I may be cute and cuddly and colourful, but I am not a cat. Sure, I live with cats and I love cats, but I don't want to be patted like a cat. Hell, even sometimes my cats don't want to be patted! Dandylion would tear a person to shreds if they tried to pat him. He only liked Rob and I to get close to him. Occasionally, I let Sarah pat me on the head, but only because she lets me do it to her. And, maybe I'd let Johnny Depp pat me on the head, BUT NOBODY ELSE!

Monday, January 28, 2013

After I got ready for the day I dozed off at my computer, serves me right for taking gravol and cough medication last night. Texts from my cell phone woke me up. In my mind I said "bloody hell!" I was supposed to meet a new potential employee at Tim Horton's at 2:30. So I zoomed over and wasn't too late! With Sarah's assistance I quizzed Natasha on cat's and housework and her ability to stay up late. I liked her, I think she'll be a good fit for my merry band of misfits!

After that Sarah and I went to The Printing House to pick up cards and to metro to pick up food. Now we are going to eat the food.

After dinner I am going to paint. And that's all I'm going to say for now.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

For the last 10 years cool, great, fantastic, brilliant things have happened to me on January 27th. I appeared on Breakfast Television, which gave my business a boost for a while. I got my most recent wheelchair on this day too -- it's the best one I've had so far.

Today is a doubly good day because 1) I was just interviewed by cerebralpalsy.org and they seemed to like what I said. Plus they thought I would get more customers with this story. And 2) today is the 7th anniversary of me getting Direct Funding!!! Yay!!!
Sure, I get stressed out by juggling shifts around and making sure that everyone gets the right amount if money but it's a way better kind of stress than I had to deal with before with onsite attendant services. I love the people I have working for me now. Somehow, some way, I'm going to figure out how to give them all benefits. They deserve it! I don't know why the Ministry of Health can funnel money into places like Tobias house for front line workers' benefits but they can't do that for somebody like me to do the same thing for my employees.

This is the first year I didn't have a party to celebrate getting Direct Funding. I'm just too busy and, well, sad, to do anything big like that. So I'll content myself by drinking spiked Iced-Capps with Yuula and toasting my good fortune to have the ability to hire people who like and respect me.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

This won't be a long entry because I'm in a lot of pain with my neck and lower back. It always happens, to varying degrees, every Saturday after the market. And, it's even worse when it's freezing cold.

So, just the highlights: I only made $45. Bloody hell! But one woman said she might buy a subscription to my membership. That's good! And I met a men who was a fellow lover of Frank Zappa. Funny enough his name was Rob and he played the drums! He said he might order a Frank Zappa t-shirt from me. Yay!!! And I saw some regular customers, Ayden and his mom. I love it when they drop by.

I wanted to go to the demo outside the Maple Leaf Gardens after work but by the time I got back it was over. These days I feel like Cinderella when it comes to demos because a lot of the time they have them on Saturdays and I'm too busy trying to make money that day.

Where oh where is my fairy godmother? Maybe she could give me a new back too.

Friday, January 25, 2013

One of my dearest and closest friends has decided to stop working for me after seven years. I understand her reasons and I respect her decision, but it still makes me feel sad. We've promised each other to keep in touch and see each other often ... but in my experience these kinds of promises seem to melt away after awhile.

Another friend of mine is worried about her mother who is having heart problems. I like being there for her, I want to be there for her, but it's hard because it brings painful memories of my own mother.

Rob Ford is still in office. He won his appeal. Bloody hell! His disregard and absolute disdain for poor, marginalized people makes me want to scream! One more year of that ignorant, unfeeling loudmouth! I'm not sure if I can endure such unbearable torture!!!

One more thing before I go onto more positive topics. I am especially broke these days, so I sent Yuula to the CIBC to get the rolls of coins I had collected over the past few months to get them changed into bills. Simple enough, right? Not really. Apparently, nowadays people need to provide proof that they have an account with them before they'll do a simple thing like change coins into paper money. Why? It seems more time consuming for both teller and client because debit card numbers would need to be punched in before an exchange could be made. Fortunately, Yuula talked the teller out of sending her back to my place to get my debit card and he just gave her the cash instead.

My counselor told me to write about my sadness and grief, and then to distract myself from it. So, that's what I did. First sadness and then drown out the sound of "Time After Time" by voicing some of my anger and frustration. It worked! I do feel better.

And, while I've been working on this blog entry, I've been playing Scrabble on my iPad and getting fantastic scores. Yay! Plus, I checked my email and somebody from www.cerebralpalsy.org wants to interview me for their newsletter. That's pretty cool!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

On Saturday, February 2nd, sometime between 1:30 and 3:30, you can hear my interview about body image on CBC radio one, DNTO (Definitely Not The Opera).I'm quite excited about this! Sure, I've been interviewed many times by many different people in a wide array of media, but it always gives me a little thrill to know someone actually wants to sit down with me and ask for my opinion.Sook Yin Lee asked me a lot of questions within an hour's time. What did I think strangers thought of me upon meeting me for the first time? What was the most favourite part of my body? Could I describe what having Cerebral Palsy is actually like for me? How did I handle situations where I came across a person (or people) who obviously 1) underestimated my mental capacity and 2) thought that, just because I have a disability, I must be asexual as well.

They were all good questions, and I did my best to give good and interesting responses in return However, I wish I could have said more. For example, as a child, I felt a bit modest about having my naked being exposed. Even now, after so many years, I\still feel traumatized when I remember about the time a male camp councilor changed me out of my wet bathing suit into dry clothes, or the time when the caretaker of my school, smelling of sweat and beer helped me onto and off of the toilet.I'm not sure when exactly my modesty switch was turned to the off position, but I began to think of modesty as being silly. I've had so many people see me naked: doctors, nurses, family members, friends, attendants, and employees. It's no biggie. We are all cut from the same cloth. We all have the same kind of equipment, just a different variation of it in each person.Besides, there's a certain power in not caring if you're seen naked. Taunters and blackmailers would have no ammunition if people stopped feeling ashamed of their naked forms.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Not much to say. I went to see my counselor and poured my heart out. I talked about Mom being gone four months and about the connection I feel between Michael Jackson and Rob. And then I talked about how grief makes people have feelings of regret and guilt. For me, even though I know I was a good wife and a good daughter, I wish I could go back in time and change some things. It's the perfectionist in me. I don't want to be just a good wife and daughter, I want to be the best!

I came home and had half a piece of toast with peanut butter and a spiked Iced Capp. My brother's birthday is February 2nd so I chatted with my niece Michelle on Facebook and arranged a dinner at the Spaghetti Factory.

That's all. I'm going to paint, and somehow try to sleep tonight but I'm very excited about my interview with CBC Radio tomorrow so that's not likely!

Monday, January 21, 2013

This morning started out by Simone making me delicious french toast and playing the Michael Jackson video "Leave Me Alone" for me.

I told Simone that for the rest of my life the music of Michael Jackson, indeed, the mere mention of his name would remind me of Rob.

I explained that for my 51st birthday in '09 I went to New York for a weekend with Lenny and Laura. During that time, the three of us went to Prospect Park for the Michael Jackson birthday memorial hosted by Spike Lee. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. So many people were there dancing and singing to the music of the late King of Pop.

Also, during this time I was missing Rob so incredibly much that I would email or call him every chance I got. Looking back, maybe somehow I knew I didn't have very much time left with him. Well, anyway at the Michael Jackson memorial I swore to myself that the next time I went to New York I would bring Rob. We could go see David Letterman. Rob loved him!

That never happened, though, and the feeling of regret still knaws at me. So many things we could have and should have shared together. Mind you, towards the end of his life it was increasingly difficult to get Rob to leave the apartment.

I also confided in Simone that I was feeling very sad today because it is the four month anniversary of my mom's death. I miss her so much! This led to a discussion on life, death, grief, time, and the cosmos. Simone said whenever she feels overwhelmed these things she often watches the Cosmos series with Carl Sagan and that helps her ease her mind. We then watched one of those shows on YouTube. Sure I liked it and it kind of reminded me of mom because she used to be very interested in that type of thing, but it didn't ease my mind at all. Of course it was one of those days where nothing could have done that, not even meeting Johnny Depp!

Even getting a call from CBC Radio could only make a tiny dent in my sadness. I kept thinking how much I wish mom and Rob could be here to share this with me. Sure I know that they both would have been proud of me. Rob would have said, "Of course I'm proud of you Sweety! I'm always proud of you!" And mom would have given a short giggle and said, "Oh Annie!" when I would be talking about body image and maybe nudity. However she would have asked when the program would air so that she could listen to it and tell all of her friends and the rest of the family to do the same.

Today has been one of my blackest, sad days but I know that tomorrow will be better.

Tomorrow I paint and finish that god damn painting of the man and his dog! It's taken way too long to paint. I need to move onto something different.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Feeling much better... again. Thank god! Yesterday I felt absolutely miserable at the market and had to pack up at 2:00 and go home. I drank peppermint ginger tea, spiked with whiskey, and slept for two hours. During that time Laura ( AKA "nurse" Laura) ordered a pizza and ran out to get some groceries for me. When she returned, while I was still in bed, I asked her to assist me by tidying up the top of my dresser and putting Mom's jewelry box there. A neatness fiend like myself, I could almost hear Mom saying, "Oh, Annie, that looks so nice!"

In the evening, Laura and I ate pizza and salad, drank to our health with ginger beer, and watched Coronation St., Fringe, Creature Comforts, and My Hero.

Today was pretty low-key as well. I did some computer work, watched some shows - oh yes, and Yuula and I found that Rogers PVR box, so now they'll have to reduce my bill when I return it to them tomorrow!

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Dear Annie's Dandy Blog Readers,
Anne can't write to you today because she's come down with a serious case of workaholism mixed with flu. I've prescribed her a hot cup of peppermint ginger tea with whiskey and honey, and am sending her straight to bed to watch TV on her Ipad. NO WORKING ALLOWED FOR AT LEAST 24 HRS! Only cuddling with the boys. Maybe a bit of Scrabble later if she finishes her tea.
Signed,
"Nurse" Laura

Friday, January 18, 2013

Today was the first day in three days where I got up and stayed up. Sure, I feel mildly awful, with stuffy nose and foggy head, but I have a bit more energy now.

Sarah helped me to clean the fridge, take the recycling out, get groceries for dinner, and called Visa about a matter of fraud.

I got all of my cards and paintings ready to be taken to the market tomorrow. I showered, put on fresh clothes (not nightgowns!) and chose an ensemble that would make me look chic and yet toasty warm for tomorrow.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The title says it all. I'm still sick. You know when I'm really sick when I go back to bed after breakfast for three hours. Ick! I feel achy, sneezy, and utterly exhausted.

When I did get up for dinner, though, I called Rogers about my bill and fought with them for awhile. Sheesh, $793.02 - who are they kidding?! I always pay my bills on time. Because of this and because they've started charging extra for band with, I've decided that I'm going to cancel their service and go with TekkSavy when I have a chance. Their rates for internet and land lines are way more reasonable than Rogers!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Busy, stressful morning and afternoon. Laundry, breakfast, planning for tonight's first ever employee appreciation meeting/party. I had digestive problems, and we couldn't find the bread nor the detergent at first.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I woke up much earlier than I wanted to (9am!) which pissed me off because I only had four hours of sleep the night. It was one of those jolting awake kind of deals, where I was bombarded with a million thoughts swirled around and darted in and out of my mind.

Global warming and the plight of the Australian people was one of the main things that kept poking sharp spears of anxiety into my mind. One news source said that the temperature there was 45C and that the fires started with such incredible speed it was like being hit by an atomic bomb. In all my life I had never heard of this type of thing happening on such a massive, devastating scale! What was happening to our planet? What could be done to reverse the effects of global warming? Sometimes when I hear about such grand scale disasters that are due to climate change, I feel like I'm in one of those hokey blockbuster movies about Armageddon.

I also thought about my own personal woes: paying my internet bill for this month, finding a new company to insure my apartment (I'm not sure if Mom's Masterpiece Insurance still covers me now that she's no longer here), and how to get ready for my Employee Appreciation/Brainstorming Party on Tuesday. And, I still had to finish that panting of that man and his dog! YIKES!!!

At 11am, Yuula came into my bedroom and asked if she could go and get me an Iced Capp and a few Tim Bits, to which I gave her an enthusiastic, "Yes, please!"

Two minutes after Yuula had left, my cats began to hiss and spit (and growl, for god''s sake!) at each other.Every Sunday, almost like clockwork, Hershey and Rascal have these major battles, which scare me to death because I'm worried that one or both might get seriously hurt. Thankfully, this has never happened yet.

My neck is killing me and I'm exhausted! I'll just end by saying that I saw The Hobbit. Visually, it was too stark, but the story was fun, and Martin Freeman is charningly cute as Bilbo Baggins!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

I'm tired. Selling my wide selection of merchandise every Saturday always wears me out. Of course, only having had only four hours of sleep might be another factor could be that I just had a Percocet and Gravol to deal with the excruciating neck/shoulder/lower back pain I get every Saturday.

This is not a long entry ....

As usual, I had a chocolate/banana/peanut butter crepe while an accordion player and guitarist played very badly on either side of me. (Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Kill me now!)

I did pretty well today. Getting over $100.00 is fantastic for January. January usually sucks the big one in terms of sales.

My customers seemed extra nice today, maybe because of the weirdly temperate. I was so glad to see one of my regular customers and his wife. They told me that, coincidentally, someone had bought one of my paintings and had given it as a Christmas present. They told me that they had loved it and had put it in a place of honour, which pleased me to no end!

And then, somewhat sheepishly, they told me a very funny story about their cat. Not only do they walk it on a leash, they also put "angel wings" and let it climb trees with this costume on. People, especially cat people, (including me!) are so weird.

I brought my iPad with me to the market today to do work. I'm so happy that I got 99% of my emails finally written. And, I set up three appointments to interview people as prospective employees. I like getting on top of things; it makes me happy.

I was going to go to a wedding today, but because of difficulties beyond our control it didn't happen. Well, it did, but just not with me.

I was going to go see The Hobbit after the market, but I was too exhausted. Maybe I'll go tomorrow. I have such such fond memories of Mom reading that book when I was a teenager.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

These pictures represent my life, or part of it: cute cats, painting, more painting, and tons of computer work. I love it! I'm a cat-loving workaholic. Even though sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, worrying about everything I need to do, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I do take time out to have some fun, though. To relax and enjoy myself, I play Scrabble on my iPad, watch Coronation Street on YouTube, and lots of cool shows on Netflix. My favourites are Community and The Hour.

And speaking of The Hour, I love the actor who plays Freddie so much I went to see Cloud Atlas because I knew he was in it. I didn't know what the movie was about and having seen it I still don't know what it's about. However, I got to hear Ben Wishaw's velvety voice and see him naked in several scenes. I would have been happier if he had appeared more throughout the movie.

I also saw Argo, which was a fantastic movie! Sure it didn't have Ben Wishaw or Johnny Depp or Benjamin Cumberbatch in it but I could forget this fact because it was so good and suspenseful. I love true stories too and this one was stranger than fiction.

Okay, that's all for now. I need to go back to work and maybe watch something on Netflix.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I mentioned going out to do errands yesterday. One of those things I had to do was to go to the post office at the Drug Mart.

As I waited in line to mail mugs to a customer in Texas, I looked upon items about me at all of the merchandise around me. Shoe-shine polish: I could see my father buffing his shoes vigorously until they were immaculate, just as he had been. Coffee and crunchy peanut butter and potato chips were on sale: I yearned for the days when I'd bring those things home for Rob. Tea and Digestive biscuits: memories of Mom making 3:00 tea every day at our family home.

Coming home, Sarah mentioned that a friend of hers was now doing yoga and going for Reiki treatments, things that her friend had made fun of previously. My response was that I had made fun of people using the phrase finding myself, but now I felt like I knew what it meant. Since the deaths of Rob and Mom, I felt like I had lost part of myself and was constantly trying to find that part of me again ... or, to replace it with a new one. Sometimes trauma/heartbreak will dramatically change a person's outlook on life.

When Laura came in at 8pm, I was still managing not to cry, but then I called my uncle to wish him a happy birthday, which made him very happy, but then he asked me when I would be coming over to my mom"s place to go through her stuff some more. I gave him an excuse because I did not want to discuss this with him at that time. And then he mentioned that my aunt was downstairs playing cards, and that made me really sad because mom used to love playing cards every Monday night.

After I hung up, I sobbed and sobbed, and Laura comforted me. And then she said something interesting, that people have an emotional muscle, and that mine was getting worn down from all the stress this week, getting shifts covered, and celebrating the 25th anniversary. Laura also said that knowing me she knew that I would be o.k. because I know how to distract myself from stress by painting and watching funny shows, and enjoying life.

So today I am going to flex my emotional muscle and go watch a movie with Sarah.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Ok, so I didn't make it to our favourite restaurant, nor did I end up painting this evening. Because so many of my employees are down with the flu, I had to write emails and text people this afternoon and evening to try to fill shifts, especially overnight shifts. After everything had been finally straightened out, I didn't feel like going to Cafe California and putting on a brave face. Besides, I'm broke.

In between dealing with this aforementioned stressful situation, I wrote on Rob's Facebook wall, mushy and romantic stuff, like: "Happy Annie-versary, Sweety!! We met 25 years ago and never looked back!" and "25 years, 100 years, 1 million-billion-trillion-zillion years - you'll always be the love of my life, Sweety!!!! xoxo" I also put clips from YouTube of The IT Crowd on his wall, as well as "Love of My Life" by Frank Zappa. I toasted him with Scotch again and cried a little.I went outside to sprinkle some of Rob's ashes because he loved snow so much, but the snowbanks were filthy and shrunken. I'll wait until a more wintery day to do the deed. I'm listening to a Frank Zappa concert from 1988, which coincidentally is the year Rob and I met. If Rob's spirit is in the apartment (and I'm sure it is), he's probably grooving out.I love you, Rob. Happy Annie-versary!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

I had a good day at the Market today, and I was going to write about it and other things, but I came home and found so many emails in my in box and saw that the printing order of cards was never completed. So, I need to take care of these matters ASAP!

Friday, January 4, 2013

I feel better today. The computer virus is no more - thank god! I had a nice day with Sarah; I hadn't seen her in over two weeks because of the Christmas holidays.

I had an invigorating hot shower, got dressed, went to the bank, shopped at the health food store, bought groceries from Metro for dinner. And, during dinner, I showed Sarah the latest episodes of Coronation St.

It would have been a perfect day, except for one thing. One of my employees wrote an email saying that she was frustrated because she couldn't find anyone to take her three hour shift on Sunday. To help her out, I told her I'd be fine by myself, just painting for awhile.

And then it hit me. Sunday was my anniversary. Bloody hell! Once again, "Time After Time" came into my head and I began to cry because I missed Rob terribly. However, I didn't cry for long. I went on YouTube and played my "Anne Rocks Out" playlist and felt happy again.

On Sunday, I'll go to our favourite restaurant, toast to Rob's memory, and try to only focus on the positive fact that I was so damned lucky to have him in my life for as long as I did.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What a day! What a day! What a day!

Waking up with "Time After Time" again in my head and seeing the snow flurries outside my window made me miss Rob so much! He loved the snow and cold. And then, like a dagger through my heart, I realized it would have been our 18th wedding anniversary this Sunday, as well as the 25th anniversary of being together. Rob should be here for this momentous occasion - it's not fair that he isn't! But then whoever said life was fair?

There were some employee scheduling problems and suggestions that I should hire more people. In my current black mood all of this seems mountainous, but I actually know it's molehill sized. Things will get figured out, they always do.

I'm sad, and now I'm frustrated as well. I've got a computer virus that I can't get rid of. I think I'll try another anti-virus program, paint for a while, and have a couple of beers with Dobrila...

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

This morning started out as usual, by letting Hershey lick
some of my health drink (or, as I call it, Yucky Drink) from my index
finger. And then, as I sat at the kitchen table, both cats jumped on
top, vying for the best spot - the warmth of the closed laptop. They
know that most days my focus is usually upon my laptop, from mid-morning
until late afternoon. It is the best vantage point for them to get
patted and shown love, and to declare their hunger for breakfast.

I
had Lenny assist me in writing out cheques for my employees and 12 rent
cheques for the year. The year might have changed, but my need to be
organized hasn't.

I felt the terrible pangs of grief
take hold of me as "Time After Time" by Cindi Lauper (or as Rob used to
call her: Cindi Lobster) played repeatedly in my head. This time I
didn't cry. I distracted myself by answering emails and watching Game
of Thrones.

There are so many things I want and need to
do that I feel more than slightly anxious. Christmas orders for cards
and paintings have made me behind schedule in mailing out my Dandy
membership greeting cards. Hopefully, people will be understanding when
they receive their cards in the middle of the month instead of the
beginning. I have to work on my employees schedule for this current pay
period, and I have to update my business ledger. The painting of the
man and his dog needs to be finished too.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

I hate New Year's resolutions. They're ridiculous! Hardly anybody sticks to them (I sure don't!) and you beat yourself up for not following through.

Having said this, though, I'm going to make a New Year's resolution right here, right now. I will do my best to write something in my blog every day, even if it's just the word "something". By doing this, hopefully, I can give people an even better account of what my life is really like.

I'm so tired today. Last night, I drank Scotch and toasted to my beloved mother, my husband Rob, and to Dandylion. I miss them all so much! After ringing in the New Year, I painted until 5am. It felt wonderful losing myself in a commissioned painting of a man and his dog.

The other night, my friends Nic and Jen came over for a visit and stayed until 2:30am. We exchanged Christmas gifts. I gave them a bottle of wine and a bottle of Scotch. They gave me a Coronation St. trivia game and a book on Frida Kahlo.

Since we hadn't seen each other since September, we spent a lot of time catching up on what's new in our lives. Jen and I kind of debriefed each other on our take of the weird and wacky (and sometimes tense and explosive) trip to the Frank Zappa festival we went on this past September. It was very cathartic for us to vent about some of the experiences we shared, and we both agreed that for this upcoming September sojourn we need to do more planning before we go.

Well, that's all for now. I will write more tomorrow, unless I'm deathly ill or if a natural disaster occurs.