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Wednesday, May 5, 2004

Spin The Bottle: Tribute to Kiss

If you only download one comedy album this year, make sure it’s Spin The Bottle because this new Kiss tribute album is the kind of laff riot that money just can’t buy.

Actually, the word “tribute” is a bit of a misnomer; each song herein is an exact clone of an original Kiss album track, right down to the simplistic arrangements. So let’s call a spade a spade and tag this for what it really is: A 40-minute Paul Stanley impersonation contest.

Oddly enough, the runner-up for best Eisenklöne (that’s German for ‘Xerox’) is rassler Chris Jericho, who really nails the Stanley whine on “King Of The Night Time World.” But the Grand Prize goes to failed talk show host Dee Snider, whose enthusiastically rote reading of “Detroit Rock City” showcases his uncanny ability to sing like both Paul and Gene at the same time. Snider also tosses in a bit of vintage Alice Cooper on the line “first I drink and then I smoke” just to fumigate the smelly proceedings.

Now, I can understand why a bunch of washed-up failures like Kip Winger (Who? Exactly.) would jump at the chance to be a part of this pandering package, but you’d think that someone from Helmet wouldn’t stoop so low. Well, think again, because Page Hamilton swan dives into the Kisspool (rhymes with “cesspool”) with the greatest of sleaze (rhymes with “Simmons”).

Which brings me to the strange case of Mr. Lemmy Kilmeister, who should have known better than to try and sing a note-for-note cover of “Shout It Out Loud” of all songs, fercrissakes. But he didn’t and so, for the first time in his career, not only does Lemmy have to sing — and I do mean sing, not croak — he has to sing in a higher key than his misshapen larynx can humanly handle. Trust me, you haven’t winced painfully until you’ve heard Lemmy castrate himself by squealing “you’ve got to have a party” with perfect David Niven diction.

And speaking of parties and Davids, it looks as if the only retread not invited to this sad shindig was David Lee Roth to sing “Domino,” thus bringing that little musical theft full circle. Oh well, maybe next crime.