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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Dan, I'm younger than you (42) and I post in LTS. I found out when I was 28, but had been infected probably around the age of 24. But more importantly, why do you not feel like you fit in the LTS area in the first place?

Like I said, I'm younger than you but I participate in there. I also just saw someone newish posting in there that is 37 and has been infected 20 years. If you honestly feel you have no similarly aged company then I guess I'm just chopped liver.

Like I said, I'm younger than you but I participate in there. I also just saw someone newish posting in there that is 37 and has been infected 20 years. If you honestly feel you have no similarly aged company then I guess I'm just chopped liver.

YOU are most certainly not chopped liver to me. How about a philly cheese steak sandwich? LOL

I'm 42, been poz for 20 years - that feels strange to me! I forget how young I was when this whole journey started!! I am thinking of all the men who I knew who died back in the 1980's and early 90's. FOUR friends died last year, but I do think there were other factors involved as far as how they were living with HIV... Let's celebrate all longterm survivors!! (:

Honestly I don't know where I fit in....I'm 32...got infected through a blood transfusion when I was 7....and heterosexual....

I'd say you've survived a "long time" hence you belong here. Welcome to the forums. Just because your personal experience does not follow many others does not mean you do not belong, but instead only expands the discussion on the board in a positive manner.

I'd say you've survived a "long time" hence you belong here. Welcome to the forums. Just because your personal experience does not follow many others does not mean you do not belong, but instead only expands the discussion on the board in a positive manner.

Thanks...many times I feel out of place because I am heteorosexual. This is not a Gay disease...it's a people disease...I commend the Gay community for being so embracing of the disease...to me...the Straight community is a larger problem....to me they are the ones with the strong Stigma.

Speaking for myself Ė a man who is Gay Ė I don't care if you are hetero or homo or from another galaxy. As I understand it, these forums donít claim to be a dating service, only support for anyone living with HIV/AIDS. All that matters is that you've survived for more years than anyone should have to. Iíd say this is definitely a forum for you too.

Speaking for myself Ė a man who is Gay Ė I don't care if you are hetero or homo or from another galaxy. As I understand it, these forums donít claim to be a dating service, only support for anyone living with HIV/AIDS. All that matters is that you've survived for more years than anyone should have to. Iíd say this is definitely a forum for you too.

Sorry I haven't had the time to participate in the fora lately. I am just recently 48, having been infected at age 25 some 21+ years ago. I suspect that the age of 50 has been set as a cut-off for dealing with the many age-related factors that come up in addition to HIV, but we do need a forum for long-term survivors of any age. It could be that we can tease out some issues that relate more to length of exposure than to age.

At 50, for example, insurers will start to pay for yearly prostate exams for men. Diabetes is more likely the older we get. However, some of the weirder side-effects that I am experiencing may only come with long-term treatment. How can we know if we don't discuss them? My GP doc tells me that she is unable to say whether issues I am facing are due to age, medication, disease or something new that just hasn't been diagnosed yet. I love her to pieces, and feel that she is as frustrated as I am to hear that.

I am most interested in the medical issues that relate to my life regardless of age or duration of treatment...and to get to know the rest of "us".

Hey, My name is Carl and have been POZ officially since 1985, but I can think back to when I lost my virginity on January 1, 1980. I am 46 at this time. I have over 700 t-cells and an undetectable viral load. I am still working full-time as a Mental Health Case Manager, and live in NE Tennessee. I am originally from NJ by way of FL and GA. I am single , but am optimistic in finding a LTR .

i hope we're through with the over/under 50 thing cause i'm so happy with this area of the forum being created. i have to admit i was starting to check the forum less and less until it was created. as far as the age thing i really don't see much different from the 40's and the 50's and since i now have 2 sisters over 60 not much of a change there either. it's plain old S.O.S.- different day. but there is a big difference in being a long term survivor and it's attitude in how we face our challenges. i am amazed at the variety of people who seem to be coming out of the wood work to join this thread. i'm also a little amused most of us are claiming no significant health problems and proceeding to describe medical histories that would make mortal no pozs weak in the knees. i really need to hear more about your lives cause frankly i was beginning to get the 'last man standing syndrome.' and i wish i had known you all for a lot of years.

I kind of see this group as people who were diagnosed before there were meds and hope. Also, as the meds are becoming more 'fine-tuned' and more is learned about HIV, this current set of LTS will stand apart. The experience we went thru, those days when there was no hope, a time-bomb ticking away inside of us. Then there was the advent of some meds, then HAART. Now more is being learned about the side effects-lipids, wasting, cancer, etc. In the future, I believe the virus will be better managed, with fewer side effects, but many of us have in this LTS group had life-altering experiences because of HIV. I've had 3 cases of cancer, pneumonia, neuropathy, ED, etc. Emotionally, I've gone from men who ran out the door when I disclosed my HIV status, to men I had to 'wait and see' with, etc.

I guess this forum is for those of us who feel we are kind of in uncharted territory, each with our own universe of experience with HIV, but a lot to share with each other. Personally, it brings me relief to read the posts in the LTS forum. I need the support, and not afraid to say that. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is a bit 'tired' of with dealing with this on my own.

My 36 year old fiance of eleven years (risk of loss of his health coverage for HIV HCV and Hemophilia meds delays a wedding) has been healthy and positive for 24 years. He and his affected younger brother. This is an elite group with much wisdom to pass on newbies, and honor to the elite.Congratulations all.

I'm 41 and been poz since 1988. That's half my life and all my adult life. Thinking of it I only had a little time frame for sexual exploration being negative and that exploration made me positive. Now that I come out from living in my self created Eden of endless travel and no commitment, my doctor told me to meet other gay men and I went to an all male gay pub ......seems 41 is old in gay years? - I come out as HIV after 19 yrs running from stigma and I'm facing age discrimination...........LOL. The irony is I know I missed out on being sexually wild as a young guy and all the adulation and acceptable arrogance that comes with youth. That does not worry me, what worries me is at 41 I froze when asked by a stranger if I was a top or bottom............huh! Ummmm, I don't know, didn't stop long enough to find out over the past 19yrs - I couldn't tell this stranger I was too scared as my sensuality and urges were damn well scarred by those dreadful early years of HIV hysteria, violence and rejection..... I couldn't actually say "lets go talk" and then if I'm at ease with trust - lets go experiment and if you hurt my feelings I'll deck you!........Houston we have a problem!

thanks.......... yeah fear is the issue and probably a need to feel important to somebody is root issue. Funny thing - it wasnt particulary hot sex when I got infected so minimal experience thereafter. Im not ready to go Oprah on that issue just yet

... I only had a little time frame for sexual exploration being negative and that exploration made me positive. ... The irony is I know I missed out on being sexually wild as a young guy and all the adulation and acceptable arrogance that comes with youth.

I can completely relate to this. I came out when I was 22, and was positive at 25, which didn't leave much time for any sexual exploration and discovery. Especially given the small town (and even smaller gay community) where I was living in at the time.

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That does not worry me, what worries me is at 41 I froze when asked by a stranger if I was a top or bottom............huh! Ummmm, I don't know, didn't stop long enough to find out over the past 19yrs - I couldn't tell this stranger I was too scared as my sensuality and urges were damn well scarred by those dreadful early years of HIV hysteria, violence and rejection.....

I think the way you phrased this pretty much sums up my experience. For me, I think that becoming HIV+ has really caused me to associated sex with very negative feelings and consequences, especially since it all happened so soon after I came out. I had done something "wrong" by becoming infected, was paying the price, and still can't say I've ever completely forgiven myself. Hence I have pretty much avoided any sexual exploration for the past 18 years.

In retrospect, I suppose I have to take some responsiblitiy for allowing myself to be "scarred" in this manner, as obviously there are plenty of folks who have not been. I must admit to more than a twinge of envy when I see and hear of some folks' (sometimes very detailed) accounts of sexual experiences and exploration. And I can't think of anything that makes me feel more inexperienced, inadequate or embarassed -- especially being 43 years old.

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I couldn't actually say "lets go talk" and then if I'm at ease with trust - lets go experiment and if you hurt my feelings I'll deck you!........Houston we have a problem!

Yep. I often wonder if I would feel differently if my infection was the result of amazingly hot sex, instead of awkward, lukewarm sex.

I hope you don't mind me jumping in on your poast, Hudstar, but in my own way I really identified with much of what you said. I figure it's about time that I was fucking honest about it all.

I hope this isn't considered a "hijack" of the thread -- it is (one of) my experiences of being a long term survivor under 50.

Regards,

Henry

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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Hey Henry, you didn't jump in on my post, glad you related to what I said (well glad and not glad). I guess to most, on the surface, sex defines a gay man and sex being one thing that caused so much pain (emotional) is a catch 22. Not having had much to do with gay men beforehand I find I'm not use to the upfront, brash attitude towards sex and that closes me off. I will never accept the "you'll do" attitude of some major royal retards - that is my personality, not fear....LOL ! I'm in no way negative towards confidence in others, I just think for me I need emotional intelligence to relax me for the physical...........there is a lot of hot stuff I want to explore bigtime.

You said "In retrospect, you have to take some responsibility for allowing yourself to be "scarred" I relate to that - I forgave myself for that scarring. I forgave myself for protecting my feelings as "sacred" at the expense of my horny youth and I've come out the other end still willing to explore. I realised my fear was locked in 1988 and that my fear I felt was that of a dopey 22yo kid suffering betrayal. The biggest step is to take over those fears as an adult by taking that burden off a 22yo - you got to forgive yourself for that - it is a very personal issue between you and your sensual identity. In the end you got to admit we all grew up in amongst those bad hysterical years and that we would be a bit scarred at the other end? I'll continue to have an open mind with me and sex as I know I can connect and explore with certain guys (I can count them on one hand). Glad you wrote on here Henry

OK this self proclaimed old man is still above ground and kicking his heels up !yes I am a long term survivor of the hiv/aids stigma because I have a disease it doesn't have me nor will I ever allow it to get me down ! I didn't begin taing meds until I was in the 40th year of my life even tho I was diagnosed as having aids back in December of 1987 ( which turned out to have been a false determination because the Dir that gave me the news wasn't my own but was a substitute one that wasn't up on hiv/aids knowledge because I guess of it was still a new thing to encounter for some medical professionals at that time . But yet here I am doing what I said I was doing and enjoying my life to the fullest much like I believe it was oh what was his name said live each moment to it's fullest because it may be your last and when I do depart from this mortal plane I intend to go kicking & screaming all the way !

I became positive at 29, I'm now a young 46. Looking forward to 50, which is the new 30 I hear. I've never given up, did a major career change at 31, with CD4 count of 30 at the time. I'm still well, working full time, working on my masters degree, cd4 around 450 give or take a few. Have never had a detectable VL. This I have always found interesting especially since my cdy was below 50 for a couple of years. I thank whoever was and is looking out for me. I plan to continue on to at least 90+. Will let u all know how it goes, the great part is we all fit in together

Newbernswiss, we do all fit in together as we share a common experience. It's interesting and comforting to read comments on here and how people have changed direction in life and the attitude we have towards ourself since combination therapy came in to being. Glad you are at University, academia is a very nurturing environment. I did a double masters degree myself a few years back - immediatey after I got over my radiation treatment for lymphoma. With good viral loads and cd4 counts - Im looking toward to an old age - already have my beach shack in sight. Let us know what 50 is like?

Newb,Good to see another member of the pozzie mid-life grad student club! Do you slip often and refer to classmates as "the kids?" Or get labelled "professor's pet" given the proximity in age to faculty and the added experience you bring to the classroom? Amazing how the kids, esp the hot boys, will flock to me now to be project partners

Being another HIV freakzoid (acuired around 17, accepted Dx at 33, now off meds 89 weeks at 42 with awesome numbers), I'm curious as to what studies you may be enrolled in? Geez.... undetectable VL makes you an Elite Controller <bitch>, while I'm just a Viremic Controller

Hi everybody! I thank goodness, heaven, and/or whoever for this site and especially for this forum. I have discovered that catharsis is a great tool for emotional healing, and in that sense writing works for me better than a soothing pill would; specially at night

Iím 52 and I got infected back in 1993 (I know for sure), but I was not diagnosed until 1995. I have been practically asymptomatic for the last decade although the condition has exacerbated my allergies. Apart from that, a shingles episode started a mild neuropathy in my left foot. However, in general terms, I look and feel healthy.

It was precisely the shingles episode what open my eyes to the fact that my viral load had increased from 40K to 160K in 5 years. My CD4 count is around 250, and my CBC is already showing the consequences of those stats. My low red and white blood cells counts are my worst fear right now. Iím beginning to feel tired and weakened.

My recent blood counts motivated my partner, who thought he was HIV-, to get tested, but unfortunately the test showed he is positive. Ironically, I had been very calmed and focused on my health throughout the process, but discovering that my 33 y/o partner is positive has shaken me a little. My biggest concern is about financial issues since now we are two HIV+ in the same household. None of us is on meds yet, but what will happen when the time comes for medications. I will greatly appreciate if you share some light on services and programs for people like us in the mainland. We live in the Caribbean, and HIV issues are still a big taboo down here. Even for health professional.

Iíd love to get feedback to my posting. How do you guys see my counts and stats?

May PEACE be with you! Hugs, Jimmy G.

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Screaming for a cure, but in the meantime asking for help with a peaceful attitude, so that all doors be opened.

I wasn't sure if I should post here, but decided to because of the difficulties I had with my health prior to the PI's being released. I'm 43 and was diagnosed in 1991 with 6 t cells and cryptosporidiosis. It's been a long road. I am now spleenless due to ITP (Idiopathic thrombocenic purpura) a platelet disorder. The surgery was done in 03. I'm doing well, I'm UN detectable and over 500 CD4, Sometimes concentrating is hard, and following through with tasks.headaches, blah yada blah, I try to focus on the good and not the bad. I am happy, grateful and do not feel any guilt about being alive, although I miss my Friends dearly. I'm glad to be alive and take each day as it comes. I have taken comfort in becoming grateful for every single good thing in my life, no matter how small. I feel truly blessed. JeffreyM

A therapist informed me of Lazarus Syndrome in the late 90's and she said I had it. I did a lot of talking about my feelings and was able to get past it. I have heard others talk of survivors guilt, I think it's the same thing. Along with guilt, I had to banish, regret, resentment, fear and a lot of other negative emotions to be able to stay strong to move ahead. JeffreyM