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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Guess what? I'm still angry

Okay, so I am nearly at goal weight. Isn't that when I am supposed to be happy? I have been promised utopia by a society that worships the thin, yet; I haven't found that my weight is at all connected to happiness. I have been happy when I was fat, and I have been happy when I have been thin. I have been healthy and angry; fat and calm. I guess the point of this post is that the answer to happiness is completely unrelated to a number on a scale. I wish that more people were aware of this fact, but it seems that more and more people are finding happiness in ways that are destructive or are looking for happiness in places where it is hard to find. Not to say that I have the answers, because I certainly don't. What I do know; however, is that to find happiness it takes the ability to get out of one's head--out of one's comfort zone--out of one's habits or rituals. Eating is a habit for me--probably more of a ritual. I eat when I am unhappy. So, this means that I am fat and unhappy at the same time. Being sad isn't something that society values, so instead I am angry. Over and over and over again--the cycle continues.

How many of you out there are angry because that is the emotion that is allowed? How many of you--if you really reflect on yourself--are angry (hurt, frustrated, sad, depressed **insert any emotion here**) and refusing to honor the feeling by eating it all away? Why do us 'fat chicks' do that and how do we stop? For, we have to stop. It's killing us--it's make America fat. The utopia connected to "perfect weight" is a myth, but the happiness connected to sense of self is still a possibility. Utopia actually means a place that can't exist... ...I want to exist and I want to be healthy. So, no more self destructive eating and no more fear of emotion. It's all something to be valued.