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Monday, August 26, 2013

One Week Challenge To Stop Yelling

I have been in the phase of my life which I am calling my problem definition and then actively searching for solutions for the identified problem phase. I have decided to just stop being so damned lazy and actually have a definitive plan of action with a to do list to fight my natural procrastination. Because to tell you the truth I have become a little sick of myself - at being ungrateful, complaining and generally miserable with my decisions and lack of action. So one day I woke up and decided enough is enough I have a damn good life, lovely kids albeit a handful, good health and home life so the only thing standing in the way for my developing myself was me... it wouldn't do to feel bad for not doing something or not working or having a career, wasting my education, yelling at my incredibly strong willed daughter.
So the first thing on my to-do list is th take a small step and try not to yell for one week, I came across this blog, www.theorangerhino.com, in which this mom of 4 boys took a one year no-yell challenge and actually did it. Amongst my to-do list is of course
* no yelling for 1 week [i am not brave enough to say one year]
* Spend an hour a day on my blog
* Spend an hour a day on my looooong over-due dissertation which i am ashamed to say i still haven't completed
I have been thinking about whether I am chronically lazy or afraid of being a failure one sure way of not failing is not doing correct? But this not doing has created a lot of anger inside of me - and testament to my absolute commitment for this change is I am actually going to attend an anger management workshop [yikes] but trying new things means you are making an effort to bring about change...
Fingers Crossed!!! But I know as long as I stop intending to, and just do it, there will be results that follow. Intentions really pave the way to inaction!!!

It's amazing that the mom of 4 boys managed to complete the challenge. I salute her!!! I was an apprentice for 3 months in a local daycare and I could feel my temper rising already every now and then when some of the kids were at their "difficult" moments he he...

A friend of mine (a mother) has also battled with feelings of whether or not she's "wasting her education". She was trained to be a GP, but she decided to work part-time as a translator because she wants to spend more time with her son. So I think your feelings are pretty normal. :-)

Yelling in itself isn't negative. Stopping yelling is one method of masking an underlying problem so my vote is against it.

Sometimes you need to release pent up energy. People do this in different ways; a lot of time that is by yelling. I agree that it may not be the most productive way, but often it is. Sometimes it's the only way to get through to someone. Not everything in life is a discussion; sometimes you need to tell others how it is and what you feel and sometimes that's how its done.

The trouble happens when it becomes the standard way of dealing with someone. Then it's inefficient and counter-productive. But stopping the yelling isn't solving the underlying issues. The real problem is finding the best way to express yourself for a given situation. As I said, sometimes the best way actually is yelling, but we face more situations when it isn't.

There are lots of studies that conclude that anger management classes/courses/workshops are a waste of time and money. They're another method of masking symptoms and not actually dealing with underlying issues. They put a cork in a bottle filled with pressure. The anger and the yelling aren't the problem. The problem is what is causing the anger and yelling and how an individual deals with that.

Instead of arbitrarily not yelling: when you catch yourself yelling, try to figure out why you are yelling and address that. I'm yelling because ...

Anger is a result of frustration. Often this is a conflict of expectations, internal versus external, and a personal sense of interest. Are you still interested in your dissertation? Or are you carrying this around because you feel it is expected of you? What will you do with it once you are done? Sure people will say it will give you a sense of accomplishment. That's only assuming it's something you want to do. I know I could climb a mountain. That won't give me a sense of accomplishment in the slightest. That's because I have no interest in it and once I'm up there I'll have to come back down. I'm already down here, so for me, there is no sense climbing up there in the first place. I'm not losing anything, I'm gaining by not wasting my time doing something I don't want to do.

And that is the number one source of distress, anger, frustration, and you name it. People do what they don't really want to do and often because they feel an inner conflict of expectations. That's a double whammy to the brain. Really messes with you.

Figure out what you want out of life and just start doing it. Drop the stuff you don't want to do. You do have to balance goals with reality; there are some things that you just have to do. But life is about balance. When you lose balance you lose your mind a bit.

Greg I do sometimes feel at the edge of insanity and you really have analyzed my problem to the t.... its me not being able to decide whether i want to do something because i really want to or because i 'should' do...then of course the problem with procrastination I just have to defeat it for myself thats what makes me angry. I think most of the anger is directed at my own self...its like I just can't figure out what i want and its bloody infuriating. I dont know how to regain my balance and I am losing it slowly but surely...

Start small not big. Kids are a universal so there's probably a lot of wants there. Start with that and don't stress out about it so much. Give yourself the time you need to decide. And tell people how you feel; don't bottle it up; let it out once in a while and that alone will probably help quite a bit.

Greg found the right words to focus upon... to use as a mantra... the "because" is the key to understanding why you do it and how to stop the feeling of losing control during the yelling... There are plenty of situations where yelling is appropriate and healthy and positive (cheering is yelling too)... The feeling during the yelling makes the yelling positive or negative for you and anyone you are yelling at...

The moment you can find that feeling as you are yelling is the moment you step toward the because, the reason for yelling... if you find anger, frustration, unhappiness, anything that you really would rather not aim at a loved one, anything that does not feel good, then the digging for the because, the why becomes essential to peace and happiness...

Yelling is a form of communication, but is it communicating what you want to communicate - really?... Are you releasing frustration like a club - or are you telling someone you are not happy in a way they truly can understand?... Are you really getting through to someone - or are you helping them build a wall that prevents them from really hearing you...

The because - what are you really trying to accomplish as you yell - that is what you must discover...

Are you getting the result you want - or are you repeating actions and words that do not get you what you want?...

Sometimes all it takes is stepping back and asking (and answering) the right questions at the right moment...

I am a week late to this conversation (out of town and vacationing from the internet too), but there are my thoughts for what they are worth...

I hope you find the change you seek - whether it is a complete end of yelling - or an understanding of why you yell and what you are really trying to say and accomplish when you yell... May you accomplish your deeper goal :)

About Me

My Blog: An Introduction

After seeing a lot of blogs I pondered over what made them fun. I came to the conclusion that all the ones I liked were the ones in which the authors were sharing their everyday life. As I am given to philosophical ramblings on a daily basis that will be part of my blog. But since we can't be answering life's penultimate questions 24/7 the rest I'll devote to my interests. It will be a smörgåsbord that will truly reflect the disturbed mess my brain is. You'll go from one extreme in which you'll find me wrestling with the enormity of life's various puzzles, to the other where you will learn how to set up a room to attract success through Feng Shui.Anyway reader.... welcome to my randomness and my blog