Wales are making a valiant effort to stay in Europe, despite their preference in last Thursday's vote. Portugal are waiting for Ronaldo to spring into action but are still clinging on like a grape skin on the side of a lagar. Germany missed their first penalty in a major tournament since 1982 and then went on to miss two more before beating the Italians. Iceland have covered every other country in a cloud of volcanic dust and are surreptitiously making their way to the final.

Possibly the most interesting football tournament I have seen in three decades.

Most of us here should now be learning these words in preparation for the final stages...