It
was like preparing for an oral exam where you were gonna go
in front of professors deciding whether or not you knew what
you were talking about. Only this time, they'd challenge you
if they disagreed and wouldn't feel obliged to let you finish
your sentences. Oh, and it would be broadcast to millions
of people across the country.

Well,
Aoki, you always said you wanted to educate America to the
Asian American perspective. Yeah, but with David Spade probably
making wise-ass remarks in between your attempts to make serious
points? With a host- Bill Maher- openly hostile to your cause?
And against a comedian- Sarah Silverman- who hates your guts?

My upcoming
taping of the "Politically Incorrect" show this
past Tuesday consumed the past week and a half. To my pleasant
surprise, the number of people wanting to attend the taping
kept growing. First seven from Phil Shigekuni's JACL group.
Then seven from the Rafu. Then three more from the Pacific
Citizen. seven more from MANAA. Hell, we couldn't even get
seven people to man the information booths at the Nisei Week
festival! And the calls kept coming in from well wishes and
advise-givers.

All
in all, 23 Asian Americans (that I knew of) attended the taping.
This was serious stuff. A producer I'd known previously from
my place of work was apparently feeling the pressure from
ABC to give me equal time. "I just want this to be over!,"
she told me the day before the "momentous event."
She'd never had so many people coming because of one guest
before. I was very humbled.

I'd taped
episodes of the previous week's shows, timing out each segment.
I figured it usually went eight to nine minutes, six minutes,
then four minutes. The Sarah vs. Guy issue would have to be
discussed first, so I'd have about eight minutes to make my
points. Then we'd go on to another subject. I had imagined
being introduced by host Bill Maher and sitting in those chairs
(to get over the nervousness I'd feel the actual day). I tried
to see if there was a table behind us so I could have water
in case I choked from vocal cords that lost their salt.

I already
had two pages of sound bites I'd had in my head for days.
But I need to be flexible and in the moment to respond to
whatever they throw at me. Can't be stiff. Have to smile whenever
I can. Show I'm a reasonable guy so they can hear the message.

The "stars"-
Spade and Silverman- have private green rooms and I never
see them until five minutes before we go backstage to a holding
area where we wait to be introduced onto the stage. I see
Silverman in the hall and offer, "Hi, Sarah." She
mumbles a hi but can't look at me. She already looks defensive.

Two minutes
before the countdown, Maher finally appears backstage with
us. He recognizes me, shakes my hand, says "good to have
you here." Wow, he's really pale. Spade looks tired,
like he doesn't wanna be there. Sarah keeps her physical distance
from me. Anne-Marie Johnson's joking with the stage hand.

Show
time! Bill asks Sarah to explain the joke again. There's silence
indicating discomfort/disapproval of it followed by scattered
applause. "Thank you," Sarah responds, "That's
the joke. It's a joke that points-" Anne Marie interrupts:
"Where IS the joke?" There's more applause.

After
I point out that calling a Chinese person "chink"
is like calling a black person "nigger," Maher interrupts
me, speaking directly to the camera, asking the censors to
please not bleep out any of these slurs because it's necessary
to having an intelligent discussion on the topic (He later
tells a reporter he'd never done that before).

I continue
trying to make a point with Sarah and Anne-Marie interrupting.
"If you don't know how to do satire correctly, you run
the risk of making people think you really believe what you're
saying. And until you know how to do satire correctly,"
I say looking at Sarah, "I'd stay away from it."
Sound Bite 1. The audience applauds in approval. Success.

Later,
I say, "She comes on [this show] like a wounded bird,
and she goes, 'You know, this Guy Aoki has cast my name with
racism in thousands of periodicals across the country. And
it hurts. I want an apology from him.' Well, think of the
hurt that you felt and multiply that by the millions of people
you offended by using that word. And I think you get a little
bit of a sense of what WE feel."

Immediately
followed by: "You know, when you're playing with racial
slurs, you're playing with fire. And if you're gonna play
with fire, expect to get burned." More cheers. Check
off Sound Bite 3. Sarah protests. "That is so jackass!"

Soon,
I talk about the significance of racial slurs, how they've
been used to oppress and dehumanize Asian people, rationalizing
lynchings of Chinese men at the turn of the century and that
by calling us Japs after Pearl Harbor, this country stood
by and allowed 120,000 loyal Japanese Americans to be put
in internment camps.

And,
Anne-Marie adds, there's that recent hate crime against that
student in California. No! That was my next sound bite! Don't
take it away from me! Maher dismisses it. "We're talking
about a lone nut." and goes to commercial.

Damn!
It's over! I didn't make the point or the sound bite and now
Maher's gonna go to another topic! During the break, I ask
him to allow me to finish the point. "Look," he
says, talking characteristically, bouncing his head from left
to right, "You wanted equal time. You got it. But you
DO NOT control the agenda of this show!"

Do I
walk over the Johnson and ask her to help me revive the topic?
No, too obvious; we're not supposed to be partners although
we already know we agree with each other. I stay in my seat.
I apologize to Spade, who surprised us by not saying one word
the whole time. "Hey, look," he says, "I'm
a comedian, but this is serious stuff. This is way out of
my league!" In the second segment, he's given the chance
to talk about something and although he comes down on Sarah's
side, he's very respectful, acknowledging he doesn't know
what it's like to be in our shoes. I appreciate it.

I find
a way to return to my agenda: I mention that in her last "PI"
appearance, Silverman said she didn't think I was really offended
by the slur and that I was just trying to get attention for
myself. Then I bring up the hate crime in Laguna Hills- how
poor 17 year old Kenneth Chiu was stabbed to death and someone
wrote on the back of his car, "chink." Here comes
the sound bite to put Silverman away. It was the one everyone
I'd "previewed" it for nodded their head and agreed
it would just nail her. But Maher starts talking over me and
I can barely be heard: "But I bet you would say that
his family should take comfort in knowing that the term didn't
really hurt him."

No applause.
Dammit! Blew the big one!

Sarah
begins getting weird: "There are only two Asian Americans
I know that I hate. One is you..." "Oh!," I
say, mockingly, "I'm hurt! I want an apology from you!"

"...Yeah,
and the other is my friend Steve who actually went pee pee
in my Coke." The audience moans like "oh, no, this
is a new low." Maher goes to commercial.

Third
segment: Maher calls it a "cheap political trick"-linking
a horrific crime to a word. And he asks how examples of turn
of the century hate crimes still really impacts our lives.
Thank you! Johnson talks about how she, as an African American
woman, faces discrimination every day. I take the opportunity
to point out that people of color, on top of all the concerns
whites have, also have to worry about how their ethnic visage
affects everything else including jobs. "I'm a fourth
generation Asian American. Meaning my great grandparents came
from Japan in the 1890's. But you look at me, and you're gonna
think, 'Gee, he speaks pretty good English!' I mean, we get
that ALL THE TIME!"

I feel
the crowd's behind me, so I play to them, turning and asking,
"Am I right?! Asian Ameicans?! We get that all the time!"
They cheer.

Sarah
soon adds, "That's true. Racism is so. exists, you know!
And it's not gonna go away." People giggle. "It
does?!," I ask incredulously, laughing along with Johnson.
But Silverman has a different point: "It's not gonna
go away through censorship. Especially censorship with comics."

"So
we should just keep repeating bad jokes that offend people
over and over again?"

She loses
it. "You're a douche bag, man!" Half the audience
laughs; but the other half is vocally upset, protesting her.
I can't believe it, but laugh, putting my hand to my mouth
in mock horror. They continue laughing. I just won the debate.

Soon
as the show wraps, Maher asks us to pose for still photos.
When I come near the crowd, a lot of people applaud; when
Sarah approaches them, she's booed! She poses for a picture
than begins walking away. Wait, I tell her, there's someone
else who needs to get his shot- Sam Chu Lin. She looks at
him, turns away, smirks, "yeah, right!" (like I''m
gonna help out YOUR people!") and walks off. Can you
say racial profiling, boys and girls?

I was
surprised at how unprepared and unsophisticated Silverman
was. She had no game plan nor sound bites prepared. I'd had
several (12, actually).

Thought
my eyes looked too small from afar and that my laughs were
too internal than outward. But apparently, from all the excited
calls and emails, I did well. Said one friend in an email
to a group of people: "Maher tried to interrupt Guy a
few times and Guy, by holding up his hand and continuing politely
but forcefully- 'Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir (let me finish
my point)'- maintained control of the discussion. The image
of an APA man asserting himself and prevailing over a white
man -- host Maher no less -- spoke volumes and perhaps was
an even more powerful message in itself than anything being
said."

The producers
loved the show. Maher told me I'll be back.

People
are so pumped up now. We got heard. We began a discussion
on race rarely heard on network television that needs to continue.
Even if it had to be started by a "douche bag:"
like me.

I'll
wear that as a badge of honor.

Till
next time, keep your eyes and ears open.

Guy Aoki's
column appears bi-weekly in the Japanese American newspaper,
Rafu Shimpo. For more information, call (213) 629-2231.