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Author
Topic: i have lost everything . (Read 6060 times)

im almost a year in to my dx as i was lucky to be diagnosed jan1 20011 happy frickin new year ive lost my job car money and children freinds have abandoned me and almost a year in i just want to die , but if i tell anyone theyll lock me up plus being a str8 male im finding it hard to find anyone to relate too all i ever wanted was love and now all thats gone .im all alone and extremely pissed

This is such a dark list of catastrophes. I'm sorry to hear it. Why don't you say some more about how all this happened?

If you stick around this forum, I can guarantee you will feel less alone. Everyone will try to provide some support, advice, and insight into this mess. It's virtual, yeah, but nobody can survive feeling so alone, so participating here can be a lifeline.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

i live in Indiana between Gary and Chicago Ill ,my ex wife has used my lack of funds to keep my kids away knowing i cant get a lawyer and i think she is scared , im too weak to work and my family is useless , every time i talk to my family or ex they expect me to tell them hush hush it will all be ok , im just like REALLY you want me to make you feel better i wont kill myself per say i just not sure i want to take meds and do the doctors , the fatigue has gotten worse and im so depressed im sick of myself im on meds and constantly changing to find one that works so far nothing, to tell yah the truth a hug from my kids or anyone who loved me would make it better but there is no one

i live in Indiana between Gary and Chicago Ill ,my ex wife has used my lack of funds to keep my kids away knowing i cant get a lawyer and i think she is scared , im too weak to work and my family is useless , every time i talk to my family or ex they expect me to tell them hush hush it will all be ok , im just like REALLY you want me to make you feel better i wont kill myself per say i just not sure i want to take meds and do the doctors , the fatigue has gotten worse and im so depressed im sick of myself im on meds and constantly changing to find one that works so far nothing, to tell yah the truth a hug from my kids or anyone who loved me would make it better but there is no one

Ok. And give us some clues about how you are monitoring your HIV infection. Have you ever had blood work? Did you have a confirmation of your HIV diagnosis?

There are different things that can cause fatigue - including high stress, depression, and also of course an HIV infection.

When you say you are not sure you want to take meds and do the doctors - do you mean HAART for HIV? So where are you - what are your needs, numbers there?

Then you say you ARE on medicine, but I think I understand this to mean medicine for anxiety and or depression. Correct? Which one are you currently taking and for how long?

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

yes i do reg blood work and my levels are returning to normal , im on norvir, reyatz ,truvad ( for hiv ) methadone , neurontin ,hydrocone ( for pain ) marinol for loss of appetite and wellbutrin is the newest anti depressent its been almost 3 weeks now . im just to the point where i figure mother nature has chosen to weed me out but modern science is keeping me here and maybe i should just stop all meds and let nature take its course ive been trying to hold the faith but 11 months in its worse than ever . there are no support groups i can get to near me and only group is the aliveness projct but they are just wanting to track me for the GOVT . i have medicaid and 1 great freind who lets me live with him but cant really talk to him about it cuz he dont get it . i feel like a worthless person with no job no money no car and now no kids . im stuck in pity mode and i make myself sick i was raised to man up and move on but i just cant get out of this hole.

Well it sounds like the HIV treatment is working. When did you start the tri-therapy, and are you undetectable yet? How is the digestion, with the norvir reyataz? OK?

Nature did NOT want to weed you out by an HIV infection. That's your psychology speaking, though its a valid feeling, sure enough. All through modern medicine there have been diseases that were fatal, until science and medicine cured some of them. Nobody thinks of these diseases any longer as natures way to week out population. HIV, eventually, will be considered just an annoying disease.

There is a LOT of stigma associated with having HIV and you know that, we all do. But as an HIV+ person, its important not to apply it to yourself, be a victim of that yourself. Lord knows you have people in your life who will have to overcome their fear and ignorance and stigma/judgement about HIV.

It can take a while - everyone is different - until someone feels ready and strong to educate and fight back to get back one's life that the sickness and stigma of HIV can destroy.

But since you are taking your HAART, then you have already done many months worth of reconstruction. So give your self some points for that. Physical reconstruction is as important as mental.

Also, I can't give any insight or advice on the methadone and the side of being HIV+ and being an addict or ex-addict - but there are VERY kind people in this forum who will pipe in, over the days, just be a bit patient, on that topic.

I am sure you will get your kids back in your life when you are strong enough to keep your wife within her own boundaries, and respecting again your rights as a father. That might not be tomorow, but it can be done. Kids don't withhold their love of their dad/mom because he has HIV.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

G'day Robbie. Looks like Mecchs rolled out the welcome wagon already but nether-the-less I'd also like to say Welcome to the forum too mate. You've come to the right place, these guys are unbelievable. I'm fairly new here myself and I've off-loaded a lot of stuff since my arrival and they keep on inviting me back. I look forward to you logging back in soon too, so you can let us know how things are going.

You mentioned that you started Wellbutrin recently. Antidepressants can be tricky sometimes. It can take a while for them to kick-in (often more than the 3 weeks you've been taking them). Also for a short while some antidepressants can make you feel worse....BUT that doesn't mean you should stop taking them! This is an understood side-effect of Wellburtin, and you need to keep your Dr updated on what's happening so he can support you through this until they begin to have the proper effect on the depression.

If things get really tough, if you start to have suicidal thoughts at any time, get help IMMEDIATELY. If you have a mental health team in your area contact them or go to your closest hospital emergency room. Feeling this way is not normal and it is not weakness on your part. It's a symptom of depression and even when it feels like its at it's worst it is treatable. Some of us have been there too and it does get better mate.

I see you're on methadone for pain relief. Just to clarify this for other members on the forum, whilst methadone is used for opioid withdrawal it is also used to treat severe pain. Unlike other opioids it's friendly to the kidneys.

Talk to you soon mate

GROWLER

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“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”

im still hanging in there i have court this week to hopefully see my children . this would make moving forward so much easier if i can see them i appreciate your knowledge of why i take methadon the second i mention it all i get is oh hes a junkie and it makes me mad . i just need to find the light at the end of the tunnel and most days i cant even see the tunnel .

All the best with court this week. Remember though, to keep some perspective on the situation, for yours and your children's sake. What ever happens, you will always be their father. I'm sure you don't need to told that, but sometimes it's good to hear it from someone else.

Glad I could clear up the methadone thing. But don't get too hung up on about people thinking your a junkie, some of the friendliest and nicest people on these forums have used drugs.

Lights at the end of tunnels are over-rated....from my experience they usually mean you're about to get hit by a train.

Well it's getting past my bed-time......It's almost midnight where I am, the land Down Under, Australia.

Cheers and keep us updated on how things are going.

GROWLER

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“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”

Hey Robbie hang in there buddy. I had some custody issues with my first son, that was many years ago. He is my best friend now, we are more like brothers than father/son. Things will get better, even if they get worse at first..so keep your chin up and just keep on keeping on.

Hey, Robbie. Welcome to the forums. You've got a lot going on, that's for sure. Please know that you have people here who will listen. I know that isn't the same as having friends in the flesh to visit with, but it can certainly help all the same. I hope good things for you and a better situation with your family.

so my memory is also been effected and yesterday was court to see my kids i dont have a lawyer but my ex wife does so anyway i fucked up what time to be there and missed it so now she won i cant see my kids i cant get a lawyer and im just tired want to lay down and die

Robbie I wish i could give you a hug through the internet. I feel your pain but stop kicking yourself while your down. Only focusing on the worse makes it worse & people in our condition dont need stress & worry. Hopefully I can give you a few tips that will help start your engine to a more positive path:

1st you gotta take care of yourself, even with no one to turn too you must maintain your self wellness. If you dont take care of yourself who will? You dont want to present yourself to your kids & family as a shamble. Once you put yourself into a good state mentally & physically than you can conquer anything. So stick to your meds and allow them to work for you...

Rebuild: once youve gotten self in a good state than start tackling those other battles. You seem to be a perfect candidate for SSI benefits so look into that through your dr & case manager. They also provide housing resources & assistance. Look into that

Call a local legal aid office in your area & they can direct you to a law practice that assist people who are low income or unable to pay for a lawyer. You can always refile for custody but you want to be able to present yourself well & not im sick on tons of meds, i love my kids & miss them.

Sit down & start yourself a daily journal and write everything that is important down. This will help you keep track & yourself organized.

Robbie you can do this, just take 1 step at a time & stop watchin everything come crashing down unless you wanna drown in that mess

so my memory is also been effected and yesterday was court to see my kids i dont have a lawyer but my ex wife does so anyway i fucked up what time to be there and missed it so now she won i cant see my kids i cant get a lawyer and im just tired want to lay down and die

Robbie, I dont know who's been telling you what but you have a right to see your kids and the courts recognize that, barring a couple outlyers such as Being drunk or high during visitaion. It may be monitored visitation at her place or a counselours place but you cannot be denied access to your kids. Yes, its bad that you missed the court date, real bad, because it implies to the judge that you might not care (which is not correct), so contact the court and explain to them as best you can your circumstances and go from there.

As a father myself and a veteran of a prolonged divorce war, I appreciate how you're feeling in relation to your children. As dark as things are feeling now, you and the kids are going to get through this to a better place. Really. Not without some wear and tear for sure, but you all will.

Kids want to have both parents in their lives. So no matter what your ex is up to, they are going to want to have you in their lives. And the older they get the more choice they will insist on no matter that she has custody.

I do agree that it's good for you to get in contact with the judge and make your voice heard in as clear unhistrionic way as you can. You want to let her know that you are a loving and committed parent.

Meantime, is there an AIDS service organization in your area which might give you some support in dealing with all that you're coping with now. Or some other community group? This is all hard stuff and not anything you should be struggling with alone.

Glad you found your way here. As you can already see this is a responsive and experienced group that will welcome you whenever you want to talk.

I am glad you are taking the time here to talk about your problems. It takes some fight to do so. The others here have given you an ear and some fine advice. Your situation mirrors mine I went through a little over 6 years ago. Even I chilled at a friends place for much of that first year. And yes, you are right, they don't really understand what we are going through.

I remember my depression getting so bad that I felt like a burden to my friend. Like you I lost everything, including my children. It was hard, I ended up getting rid of everything I worked hard for and being so sick at the time just made me think that I would never get those things back, EVER.

But, I was wrong. Robbie, with work you can get your life back. It's just going to take some effort on your part to get through this. As Andy and Willy said your kids have a right to their father, your relationship is just strained right now. Trust me when I say this, but you can get everything back in regards to them too. More importantly, for their sake, you can get yourself to a better place as well.

This is merely an episode in life you must go through, that's it. Too many simply fold and give up, for your kids' sake don't do this. As someone said above they will get older, and have the right to make their own choices-- meaning you must get yourself on track to be in a better place when they do. In the mean time, your ex cannot keep them from you and as long as you make the effort the courts will see how caring of a father you are. Whether visitation is monitored, or given to you unsupervised-- anything is better than nothing at the moment.

Your kids need their dad, and all you need to worry about right now is getting dad through this rough patch.

Robbie I heard the latest news with sadness.Just a note to say I'm thinking of you and a hundred percent supporting you. Step by step life will get better. Know that your kids love you. Your ex probably half loves you but just got all scared and defensive an confused, but that will work out eventually. Your friend who hosts you cares about you. We care about you here. Im wondering if you slowly get yourself out and about how many more nice, caring, humane people you'll find in your life. People aren't half bad.

Life/fate/luck/timing - throws some hideous surprises and challenges and we need each other to keep going.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

well the cymbalta must be working cuz im just like blah cant beleive i missed my court date now that puts me at least 6 months away from seing them im sure after what shes said my 16 yr old hatesz me i know that will change in time my 10 yr old who knows what he thinks i cant even call them im just tired of losing precious time with my cildren by the time they understand theyll be all grown up and i will haed missed it all . i dont understand how a woman could be so evil . oh well happy sunday to you all