In Lifeclass this week, Lesley Garner assures a reader that there can be good
times after the collapse of a marriage.

I am 62-years-old, well educated, attractive with good dress sense and a positive attitude. My husband is self-employed, overweight and going bald. He also likes a drink and being the centre of attention. He is a lovely, funny man. We have been married for 35 years.

It used to be a good marriage, full of laughter, and we had a great sex life and a happy time with our children. Life was bliss, in fact. Then a year ago, everything changed. My lovely husband became furtive, often on his mobile, hanging out with younger people, especially women, not speaking to me for days, and even moving into the spare bedroom. He became violent to me, though I have never been to the police about it. He suddenly began talking me down to everyone and rejecting every affectionate gesture.

And now he has finally moved out to live with a younger, divorced male friend. They go out socialising together, and pick up other women. My husband says he's now free to do what he likes and that he is very happy. He tells our children that I'm hysterical and difficult, and they are trying not to take sides.

We meet rarely and when we do, he won't talk to me. He won't give me any money and says that paying the household bills is enough, even though he persuaded me to retire early so we could spend more time together.­ I have no pension. On the rare occasions when he comes around, he tells me how old and ugly I am and how I repel him.

The sad thing is, I am broken-hearted. I feel I have lost a lovely man whom I truly loved – and still do – and I just want him back. Will this happen? Can I do something to make it happen? Marianna

Dear Marianna,

If you are being hysterical and difficult, who can blame you? The only thing is, if you want your husband back, it isn't working, is it? So I think it's time to try something different. You are in deep shock, by the sound of it, and he is certainly in cloud cuckoo land, so I feel you both need to face up to reality before this grim and familiar situation can change.

I can hear the longing and yearning in your voice. You want to turn the clock back and reclaim your former happiness, but I don't think this is likely to happen. The man you once loved so fondly is not at all the man you are describing and, unfortunately, you now have to deal with Awful Man, not Lovely Man. I'm sorry, Marianna, to upset you further, but he sounds dreadful. The midlife crisis behaviour is a well-trodden path –­ girls, drinking, a new best mate, second adolescence, motorbikes, running away from home –­ which might bring him back through the front door at some future point but is far more likely, I fear, to end in another relationship and a permanent parting of the ways.

This isn't what makes me fear for you as much as the switching off of love that comes with it. He is violent, you say. He is certainly cruel and unkind. It is possible to leave people with some vestige of self-respect but he doesn't seem to care about yours. Maybe he is behaving this way to make sure that you get the message: this rupture is final.

But you are refusing to get it, no matter what he throws at you, and I think it is time you got a grip and took a hard look at shaping your own future. It always feels better to be proactive rather than passive, and there is a lot that you could and should do here.

At the moment, he is calling all the shots and you are simply allowing yourself to be upset and showing it, which only aggravates him further. I perfectly understand how hurt and upset you are, but try this. Tell yourself that you are allowed to cry at certain times of the day, and never when he is there. That way, you will have a daily appointment with fear and misery but you will keep it in its place. The rest of the time, you are going to act as if you are coping without him and making a good life for yourself. Believe me, this is possible and it will make you feel better.

I am very concerned about your financial situation, and I strongly recommend that you face up to the realities of divorce and what your financial position would be. The Citizens Advice Bureau (www.citizensadvice.org.uk) is a good place to start. They publish advice guides on all aspects of divorce. Your town hall or library could tell you where the nearest one is, and at the library you can research some books on divorce, The Which Guide to Divorce, for example. There is nothing like having all the facts, however awful, to give you some control over the situation.

You say your husband stopped you contributing to your pension and made you retire early. The pension is often the most valuable family asset after the house and you should certainly get your share of his. Who owns the house, by the way? Is there still a mortgage on it? It is not enough for your husband to say that he'll pay a few household bills as though he were doing you a favour. The courts may take a different view. Please get professional legal advice.

This is about survival, Marianna, and self protection. The next thing I recommend you do is look for work, preferably paid, but if not, at least voluntary. It is time for you to make a life for yourself that doesn't depend on him. This will do wonders for your self-respect, and make you better able to deal with him. Knowing you are getting a grip on your own life will also make you less likely to become emotional in your dealings with him.

I would also like you to investigate the pleasures of being selfish. What have you always wanted to do but haven't because you are one half of a couple? Your time is your own now, and I strongly recommend you find another centre of social gravity that will make you new friends and spark your interest. When my marriage broke up, I joined a choir and it saved my life.

Other people do voluntary work, go walking, take degrees – read next week's column to see the many ways in which older readers have forged new and happy lives for themselves after midlife crises like yours.

You have had a huge blow. You have staggered. You have felt devastated. Now it's time to take some control and surprise your husband by waking him up to his responsibilities. You can surprise him in other ways, too. If you are out when he calls or if he sees you looking pulled together and off for a fun evening somewhere – anywhere – with new friends, this might give him pause for thought.

If, despite taking control of your own life, the one thing at the top of your wish list is still for your husband to return, don't let this drag on. Set yourself a time limit or, I promise you, your life will drift by in unhappiness and muddle. Women can't stop men leaving them but they can set boundaries, get informed, get educated, retrain, find the right professional and personal help. Friends, by the way, are essential, but even the best friends will tire of seeing their friend make herself miserable by refusing to adjust to reality. Cool, calm and collected is the way in public. Fall apart in private if you must, but don't let him see it. And, this may surprise you, but some good times could lie ahead. Read next week's Lifeclass to see how.