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Ms Chase, Life Coach

Category: Relationship

Satisfied Customers: 2897

Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

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Hi how are you Im pretty much down in the dumps I ...

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Hi how are you? I''m pretty much down in the dumps I have been married for 20 years this summer and the fire is totally gone. My wife is very comfortable in our relationship she does not need or want intimate realtions with me anymore and I am going crazy. We have been to counseling twice over this time period but I feel my life is slipping away and my heart just bleeds inside with the desire to connect with someone. We have 2 children 13 and 11 who I do not wish to hurt so I am very confused and not sure how to tell her I do not love her in an intimate way anymore. I want to be involved with her a nd the children completely but I can not go on living the way I feel it is very sad. Any advice would be appreciated. I have never been with anyone else early on in the marriage she may have had an affair. Thanks Mark

Hi Chase
Yes we have talked and gone to counseling she replied to me that she does not enjoy sex anymore she will occasionally have sex with me but she is definately not involved in the act. She said that she feels as though my heart was never really in the relationship for years, she may be right unfortunately. We are both 44 years old and the children are definately a factor in me not breaking this off, I am also scared what her reaction will be, she has a bit of a temper. I do not want to hurt her anymore then I have allready but I just can't live the rest of my life with out a loving relationship. I can not even get a good night sleep anyomre. She once again thinks everything is fine she works 3 days a week and is very comfortable with the way things are, she goes out with her friends, we have other couples and kids over for parties and then she kind of shows me some affection. I do not know how to preceede from here. I would like to talk to her about how I feel and seeing a divorce mediator but I am afraid of her reply. Thanks for listening Mark

thank you for that additional info. At this point, there's no sense in pointing fingers or deciding who to blame. With that said, there's nothing wrong with wanting a full and passionate sex life. Keeping in mind that sex does get boring and ordinary after being in a relationship for a long time, and it takes both people to be willing to put more into it to make it exciting and passionate, but it's not something that can be done by one person, both people have to be willing to put everything into it and make it attractive and exciting for both. This takes commitment. When someone says they do not enjoy sex anymore, the question would be, why don't they enjoy it anymore? If your heart was not in the relationship, it's possible that you caused damage to the relationship that could have caused this reaction. At this point, if you are saying it's too late, then there's nothing to do but to put your cards on the table and let her know that ...unfortunately, there's just no easy way to do it.

I understand how you feel about not wanting to hurt the kids, and believe it or not, it is possible to do this without causing too much damage. Of course they will be hurt, and most of all they will be hurt, and feel guilty. Children always think that the reason this is happening is because of something they did, that they are in some way causing you to leave. So it will be important that you and your wife are on the same page about what to tell the children. Neither of you should bad mouth the other, and should respect each other at the very least when with and around the children. Let the children know this is not their fault at all and that you will always be there dad, and be there for them. It's important not to introduce other partners to your children for a good amount of time, and to always keep your word to them, as you will be under their scrutiny for a long time to prove you haven't changed and will still treat them the same way. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more., I'm here anytime.

Hi Chase,
The more I think about it this is probably my fault and right now my wife has no idea how I feel. Like I said we have gone to counseling and talked about ways to respark the fire and it did help for a little while but now I feel I'm back in the same boat. She is definately happy with our relationship which makes this all the more difficult to do. How can I go about this causing as little hurt as possible to my wife? She called me at work yesterday to make family plans for early July, in August we are going away on a short family trip to PA, November we have a trip booked to the DR and then the holidays are right around the corner from that. The time just never seems to be right for me to talk to her about how I feel and what I think we need to do. I was also wondering if seperation would be a better solution first or could she use that against me with the kids saying that I have abandoned them?
If you have any suggestions on how to begin to talk to her about this I would appreciate it. Then comes the question of what if she says no, when we talked about divorce earlier last year she said she would leave and I could take the house and the kids that I was not going to go out and enjoy myself she was. I tols this to the therapist and she became very angry with me.
She was verbally abusive in the past with the children but the tharapy sessions have helped that out recently and she is overall a very good mother to our children.
Thanks again Mark

Honestly, if I knew of a way that could cause less hurt, I would be a millionaire. There's just no way to make it other than what it is. It's possible that she things that the counseling helped and that things are much better now, but the fact is, you are not feeling that. You can continue to go on like this isn't bothering you, but the fact is, you have to decide, if you want to stay or if you want to go. If you want to go, there's no good time and there's no good way, you just have to make the decision and do it. If you know that you are not interested in working it out, saying that you want to separate is a waste because it gives her the impression that you will work on things. If you think you might want to work things out then a separation would be good. You won't have an abandonment problem as long as you visit your kids and still handle your responsibility. If she wants to go out too, that's fine, you can share custody of the kids which will give both of you free time. It won't be good for either of you to introduce the children to anyone new for a long time. I know family plans have been made, but there just is no good way or time to bring it up, you may ask well bring it up tomorrow as to bring it up in 4 months.....the result is going to be the same, but the longer you wait, the harder it's going to get. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

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