Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

The NEW Illustrated Guide to Mendacity and Folly in the 21st Century.

Revolutionary Grrl has told the truth for all to see–writing the word THIEVES across the window of the 1st International Megabank (Deposits: $17,000,000,000,000,000). Suddenly, a machine gun burst at her feet stops her and an electronic voice from a police drone tells her to “FREEZE — or the next shots won’t be a warning!”

What? Police drones firing on an American citizen? Hey, this is a “near-future dystopia”. There are already police drones being used for surveillance and there are already armed drones that aren’t missiles. You don’t think our trigger-happy defenders of the law would think twice about acquiring military-style gear, not when 500 cities already have police “TANKS”. Or using them?

But speaking of drones, our dear friend, Sarah Palin has spoken out about the liberalness of Pope Francis. We asked her about her comments: “Well, oh, boy, feeding the poor? Visiting criminals in JAIL? Sheltering the homeless? That sounds REALLY liberal to me! Next thing you know, he’ll say something about paying too much attention to the evils of birth control, abortion and gay marriage! Oh, he already has? I’ll have to research that in the medias before I say anything further, but I’m starting to wonder about who this Jesus he’s always talking about is–I think we’ll find out he’s some kind of Latin American Marxist revolutionary or anarchist or something, you betcha! No Christians I know ever talk like this–that kind of left-wing propaganda would never fly in Wasilla! Lord, Lord, I hope we don’t run into him when we go to our reward.”

How will Revolutionary Grrl get out of her latest predicament? Find out next week! And please, hit the LIKE button below if you like what we’re doing–and if you’re a Redditor, please vote us up! THX!

Revolutionary Grrl spray paints a warning across the window of the 1st International Megabank, “Sleepers, Awake.” Is that all she wrote? Find out next week.

Ehhhhh, the page looked better in lineart–I’ll figure out a revision before publishing in print form.

And we upload, one day late because of Veteran’s Day. You remember Veteran’s Day, don’t you? The day all the congresspersons who’ve voted against Veterans’ Benefits get to wave flags and make speeches about how important our troops are. Notice I didn’t say veterans–we only “support the troops”, not the veterans. It seems vets have something in common with fetuses–as long as they’re inside, they’re important, but once they’re out, hey, you’re on your own, Jack. Saying “Thank you for your service,” is a nice cheap way to get around it.

Now if we really wanted to support our troops–and support the veterans as well–we’d pay them a decent wage while they’re in the service. You know, something comparable to what we paid the mercenaries, I mean, civilian contractors we used while we fought two wars of choice in the last decade that we weren’t paying for because they’d pay for themselves with all that Iraqi oil that we never got. Instead of spending the money on a bunch of boondoggle toys for the Pentagon that nobody really wants.

But that would be intelligent and despite the NSA’s best efforts, there IS no intelligence in Washington. So, instead, we salute our veterans. Thanks for your service. Maybe one day, we’ll actually do something to show our appreciation.

In our new installment, Revolutionary Grrl, having taken out the security cameras with … PAINTBALLS! … takes out a foldable crossbow from her pack and shoots a rope-and-pulley bearing bolt into the 1st International Megabank Building’s overhang and starts to pull herself up.

That crossbow is based on the Big Joe 5, a downsized, foldable crossbow designed for the OSS in World War II for possible use in assassinations. It is powered by special rubber bands which gives it several hundred pounds of shooting force. I couldn’t really show the rubber bands without confusing the picture too much, but they’re there in the second shot The crossbow bolt is a modification of one that’s designed for “alligator fishing”. It is designed to be shot into the alligator’s tough hide. It has a hole in its rear through which a double-loop-ended cable is inserted to carry the line to “reel in” the massive reptile. Our girl has fastened a small pulley-and-rope system to allow her to pull herself up. For what purpose? See us next week!

In the meantime, an article in the NY Times described the availability of “No Premium” insurance plans that the Affordable Care Act has made possible. Naturally, these are NOT being overly advertised by insurance companies. These so-called Bronze plans will fit clients who really cannot afford any other kind of health care and also will appeal to younger clients who don’t have any health issues and having come smack up against the notion of mortality yet. These will not be available in states where they aren’t administering Obamacare, despite them being some of the poorest states in the Union, because, well, socialism, Kenyan, atheist, Muslim …

Tomorrow is voting day. The new restrictive Voter ID law in Texas has prevented former Speaker of the House, Jim Wright, from registering. Way to go, Texas! BTW, “Sure, I know him,” doesn’t count as a voter ID, so make sure all them good ol’ boys actually have non-suspended driver’s licenses. Meanwhile in Virginia, voters will decide if they really want to vote for a Republican, Ken Cuccinelli, who wants to outlaw oral sex (New Slogan: Virginia is NOT for lovers) or if they’ll vote for the Democrat, Terry McAuliffe, who doesn’t. I’ve decided to vote for the Democrat so his campaign will stop sending me notices about how the campaign can’t afford to be outspent…

How does Revolutionary Grrl deal with surveillance? Find out next week!

In the meantime, it’s Hallowe’en. Trick or Treat! and boy, does NSA have a trick for you! Not just Angela Merkel–who has been thinking twice about that shoulder rub der Dubbleyü gave her–but 35 other national leaders (at the last count I can remember) have had their phones tapped by NSA! Not only that, but 60 million phone calls a month from Spain to add to the 70 million from France. Well, 50 million Frenchmen can’t be wrong, but we’ll add 20 million more to make sure.

The treat is that it’s making the world safer for the US. After all, they claim that it saved us from over 50 terrrrrrrrrist plots already. HOCKEYPUCKS! With that amount of data, I don’t care how much computing power you have, you’re never going to find important information–UNLESS you already know what you are looking for. Is that how they’ve been getting all those al-Qaida targets? Playing 6 degrees of Osama bin Laden from his old cell phone contact list? Now we know why that pizzeria in Islamabad got droned–someone who Osama called, called someone who called someone who called someone who called someone who ordered a pizza with everything–they must have been terrorists–no pork sausage.

This isn’t about protecting America. It’s spying on people just because WE CAN. Do they honestly think they can find out anything about a terrorist plot just by sifting through several billion phone calls a month? Hell, no. This isn’t a tool for protection, it’s a tool for prosecution. Once they find out who the terrorist is, they can track down any accomplices who are stupid enough to use their throw-away phones more than a week.

And the congresspeople who defend this tool? They’re just a bunch of tools themselves! Besides, we already have a network for spying on people. It’s called the Internet. Except that’s only useful for finding out what kind of porn the terrorists have been watching.

And cat videos.

Unless you’re Angela Merkel. We got everything on her. Who ya gonna call, Angela? Make it Ghostbusters–you got too many spooks on the line listening in…

What, you say? Rival police companies? Well, why not? Who’s to say that some people or businesses wouldn’t want THEIR police wasting time with THOSE people? This IS a dystopic future after all! Triumph of the free market!

After all, don’t we already have rival Republican parties? Speaking of wasting time, that’s all that was accomplished by the latest Tea Party tantrum. Obama, Reid, Pelosi and company hanged tough while the patriots who hate the U.S. government floundered for a demand. Don’t worry, there’ll be another ransom attempt–and another and another–until the Republicans lose the house or the black guy ain’t President no more, whichever comes first. And don’t worry, the media will portray it as BOTH parties’ fault…

CALENDAR

NOTE ON COMMENTS

98% of the comments I received were from spammers--you know, "Great post--it has really changed my life--see this ad for penile enlargement." So I've decided to abandon comments. In the meantime, if you want to send me any missives, pro or con, write to me at gregoriusu01 (at) gmail.com. You know what to do with the (at). THERE--see if you can declare THAT domain SPAM, Google!