Hearing the Yes behind the No

05-13-2008, 06:32 AM

"No might be the most charged word in the parenting dictionary... No is an unacceptable response because parents are uncomfortable with each of the choices they think they have when they hear it. They think they have to either accept the No and change their position or refuse to accept the No and find a way for the child to change her position... Whenever your child says No to you, he is saying Yes to something else. By taking time to find out what is more exciting, interesting, fun, or challenging than what you have in mind, you defuse a potentially volatile situation, make a heartfelt connection, and clearly demonstrate your interest and care."

I really loved reading these words. I felt that the way the author's worded this that it wasn't a subtle manipulation tactic to get your child to agree but it was truly finding out what it is your child really is needing at that moment. I may need for us to go to the grocery store and my child might need a little more time to play with her cars. When I say it's time to go to the store and she says no, I can now look behind that response and truly observe her and what's around her. I can take the time to notice how elaborate her cars are in alignment and how she looks very engrossed in it. By taking the time to notice, I can hear that her "yes" is that she'd love to go the store with me but after she has finished her playing. I can then observe that I need to go to the store today and by what time so that I can communicate that to her. So, I can respond "I see that you are into playing your cars right now. So that we have food for dinner tonight I need to make sure we get to the store by X time. When do you think you'll be done playing your cars so that we can pick out dinner together?" With this approach I am more apt to get a "working with" response as well as her feeling that mommy connected with her and valued her playtime. This make sense to me and I like this type of approach better :-)