Believe me, the crucial service of penis enlargement is not all that the amazing Dr Tina offers, says Susan Erasmus.

Believe me, the crucial service of penis enlargement is not all that the amazing Dr Tina offers, says Susan Erasmus.

The end of all your problems is in sight. Whether you want to come off drugs, get your husband back, win a court case, cure diabetes or asthma, or have a wonderful sex life, help is at hand, so to speak.

What I do find a tad difficult to believe, however, is that this worker of miracles charges no consultation fee. Or has a right to use the title of 'Dr'. But free it is, or so the pamphlet, handed out in Adderley Street this week, claims. I am pretty sure that at some point money will have to change hands – how else does the remarkable Dr Tina afford the premises St Georges Mall?

The pamphletThere are drawings on the pamphlet that bring to mind voodoo rituals and also some more traditional local ones.

Unlike most of these pamphlets, there are no credentials of this healer mentioned and neither are there 'testimonials' from happy customers. Rather puzzling.

But there are contact details and an address, in a part of town that one would be inclined to associate with attorney's offices with ceiling fans rather than miracle cures and incantations.

Among the lengthy and astonishing list of the dramatic changes Dr Tina could bring about in your life there is one that stands out:

Bring back lost lover – 1 day guaranteed.

Does this mean the lover will be back for one day, or will return to you for good within a day? Rather a tall order – especially if said lover has no intention of returning. And, with his or her return guaranteed, one that rather sets Dr Tina up for inevitable failure.

Success guaranteedFurther dramatic promises include the winning of the Lotto, getting back your job, speeding up or stopping divorces, extra personal protection, the stopping of repossessions, the winning of court cases and an end to substance abuse problems.

Then, of course, there is the puzzling and ominous 'penis enlargement – all sizes' claim. What exactly does this mean? And does one size fit all? Very worrying.

Many of these promises on the pamphlet would presume the co-operation of other people: family members, spouses, bosses, banks. How is Dr Tina going to manage all this? But fear not, the results are guaranteed.

Even for unfinished jobs by other doctors. The mind boggles.

All this would be funny, if it weren’t so sad. Who hasn’t at times wished they could make a troublesome ex disappear, or find a quick cure for a nasty or debilitating illness?

These so-called healers make a living from others’ desperation. We all wish we had control over the things that cause us pain. And these people merrily cash in on it, seemingly without conscience.

Control is a magic word – much of what we do in life is motivated by a desire to make things run our way. And magic is supposedly used to bring about exactly what it is we want. With the help of a few herbs, a few incantations, a few mumblings in the dark, all will be well. Or so we are told.

Only it usually isn’t. And to top all your woes, I am prepared to guarantee that your consultation will not be free. So, to top it all you will still have the same problems, but your wallet will be quite a bit thinner after you have purchased mixtures in bottles from said healer.

What if we were to hold these people accountable for their promises? Maybe forced refunds would make self-styled prophets reconsider a career in the post office or with the local municipality’s cleaning squad.

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but your chances of getting your money back are slim indeed. What you are paying for is not a cure or a solution, it is a fine for your gullibility. If these spells really worked, there would be queues round the block. (Mind you, I suppose if you really believe something will work, the chances are higher.)

But there are times that I wish a few incantations and herbs could take care of asthma, clear debts, make your boss like you, win tenders, make horses win races and increase your salary. Please excuse me for a while – I am just walking to St Georges Mall quickly to go and see someone. Won't be long.

Health24 is South Africa's premier health information website

Get a daily health tip

Subscribe and you could win R 1 000!

* Please enter a valid email address to continue.

Stay in touch

The information on Health24 is for educational purposes only, and is not intended as medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you are experiencing symptoms or need health advice, please consult a healthcare professional. See additional information.