Winds of change and a new home for one

As a public-ish person, I have grappled (especially in the aftermath of having a personal situation go viral) with just how much of myself to share. Yet there comes a point where we cannot divorce the personal from the public because for most of us, we bring our whole selves with us, no matter where we go. As I leap into this brave new world of change, it’s clear that the time for fuzzy language and dancing around the topic has come to an end. ___________________________________________________We live in a culture where far too many girls are raised on fuzzy-lensed dreams of landing “The One.” A perfect-for-her, mythical being whom she will live with happily ever after in a world of nonstop joy and abundance. These dreams are so prevalent that they follow us through the years, where too often we measure our worth as humans based on whether or not we share this journey called life with another human. Often, this leaves those without partners feeling deficient because we wonder how can we truly be happy if we are alone? This dream is so popular that we have industries that support women in having their perfect day.

The problem with perfect is that there is no perfect; there are rarely (if ever) truly perfect days, so far less likely is the existence of any person who is perfect for us day in and day out. Most days, even the good ones, are comprised of near-perfect moments mingled with moments that make us want to pull our hair out. For all the energy our society expends in leading us on the quest to seek perfection through others, we spend little time on talking about navigating lives with others in the day-to-day minutia—in the raw moments that show us what we are really made of and those around us.

More importantly, in the quest to seek that other who will complete us, rarely do we give equal space to learning to complete ourselves. Yet in the end, all we have is ourselves. For those raising kids, the babies that demand so much of us in the early years eventually start to grow up and in the blink of an eye, yesterday’s toddler becomes today’s young adult off charting their own course. Parents grow old and eventually shed their bodies. Ideally, friends and partners will stay by our sides, but the reality is that such things are not a given because relationships come and go. Sometimes our shared journey becomes one where the path diverges and the next leg of the journey becomes solo.

After spending the last 20 years walking my path with a damn good man by my side, my next steps are to be solo. A little over a week ago, I signed a lease on a tiny 400-square-foot apartment on one of Maine’s barrier islands that I will share with my daughter when she is not with her dad. I knew that change was in the air this year but even I wasn’t quite sure exactly what that would look like. Now I do. It looks like a hidden garden and a tiny unit with sea breezes and plenty of windows. It’s literally starting over a few months shy of 43 and feeling scared, foolish and excited. It’s wondering if this is a midlife crisis. It’s wondering if you will ever be held again but knowing that you can hold yourself. It’s knowing that time is finite and that regrets are the one thing you never want to have. It’s knowing that the man who has been your partner for so many years is shifting into a new type of partnership with you. It’s knowing as my father told me: “In the end there is only one person who must be happy here,” and recognizing that everything ends at some point.

Change is learning that the dreams we are sold in our youth may not always be the dreams of midlife. Sometimes what we need is the thing society says we don’t want: to be alone, to hear ourselves and to focus the same energy we give to others to ourselves. To complete ourselves and in some cases to rebirth a new self. One that has put away childish fantasies but still retains some of that youthful wonder and isn’t afraid to meet life on life’s terms and not operate from a place of fear.

So that’s me and my personal happenings: marital separation after 20 years. It’s not a sad moment because we recognize that change is part of life and we are proud of the years we have had together and the fact that there is still love and friendship between us. We also recognize that in this moment the rest of our story still hasn’t been written but in this moment, a break is where we are. While I am not big on sharing personal details of my life in this space, increasingly it was clear that there really was no way to undergo such a huge shift without eventually talking about it directly. If you are inclined, I would ask that you keep our family in your thoughts and prayers as we navigate this pretty big shift. ___________________________________________________
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16 Comments

October 5, 2015

Carlotta

Once again, you nailed it. My thoughts are with you both, this is his rebirth, too.

October 5, 2015

Viola Hayhurst

YIKES… my experience on a much larger apartment on a “barrier Island” lasted two winters and one summer. I hope that your barrier island brings you more solace and an easier commute to Boston than was my experience with Peaks Island !

October 5, 2015

Gary Gengler

I just read your post and was touched by your words. I wish you well. I wish you love. Email me any time it seems right. I feel like I know you.

October 5, 2015

Amie

Sending you good thoughts for a smooth transition for all of you. Wishing you joy and self-discovery. 🙂

October 6, 2015

Melissa

God bless you. May there be the smell of leaves, good neighbors, and hot tea. May you and the manperson end up best of friends.

October 6, 2015

Amy Sletteland

All the BIG changes we humans weather seem to come with a measure of stress, so yes, my thoughts and prayers are with your family. Sending love, courage, strength and calm to all…

October 6, 2015

Lissa

I’m wishing the best for you as another woman going through her own midlife re-birth.

October 6, 2015

Elaine Leveille

Many blessings on your new journey. Prayers to you and your family during this transition. You are a woman of strength and take comfort you have inspired so many.

So sorry to hear this. From my own experience it is an incredibly painful time in one’s life, however the change came about. In my case within months I was glad it all happened and felt more free to be myself.

I know many joys are ahead in your life, and wish your all the best in finding them.

You can do this and the Old Port will support you! I found your blog after meeting a friend of yours, a voice teacher, on the Downeaster a few weeks ago. I still owe her an email about this subject. She said you had concerns about hos to make it work, but Casco Bay Lines are amazing! Peaks is amazing too if that’s where you are going! Pack those carts full! The markets will ship banana boxes for you too! Best of luck!

This post reminds me of the truism: “Perfection is so imperfect” ~ this is an amazing, poignant, and heart-wrenching. All at the same time. While we can chase the illusion of perfection, my personal mythos of the perfect has always been imagined as a healing garden on a tiny barrier island with open windows and plentiful sea breezes. Thank you for viscerally reminding me that the idea of perfection can be a haunt. Good friend told me 25+ years ago to be careful: “Personal Myths we tell ourselves can be the most damaging of all”

Wishing you as much love & support as you need, success & wisdom as you can handle, but most of all that you keep us, your readers close at heart, knowing that we cherish not just your words, but your journey, and most all of your humanity.

October 6, 2015

Jacqui Deveneau

Hi Shay, Wow, this is a big shift and change on so many levels. But being the strong woman you are, you will also have all the women who went before you watching over you. Plus while to some the sounds of “a tiny 400-square-foot apartment on one of Maine’s barrier islands” might sound harsh, “a hidden garden and a tiny unit with sea breezes and plenty of windows” sounds like just the place to literally start over. I know that we have not had much contact over the years since I lived in OOB, but of you ever need someone to bounce things off of, I might be an “old white lady”, but I have an “old soul’ that sees pretty clear and has had her share of starting overs. Sending you strength and love and looking forward to reading the next stage of your life. Love,jacqui

Shay I wish you and your family the best. I am not an islander but in years gone by I was an island child. My sisters and I are in the class photos on the school walls on Peaks. There were no black people around. There was no reggae. There was no Oscar Mokeme. So I know a little. Just a little. I will not make any comments about the island communities beyond the following. On Peaks alone there are several genuinely decent familes who are not racist, the Lionel Plante family who own the gas station and the Yasi-Presgrave family who own the dog camp. That aside I cannot vouch for the islands as healing spaces for a black family or for black women. In the past 20 years class differences have marked the islands deeply. They are no longer a haven for WHOEVER. That is all that I can say. I am sure with your position running a non-profit you will be welcomed with open arms. However there is a social glass ceiling in effect after nine eleven caused by all the transplants who came from all over the place. Again, not knowing you and your values or family I cannot say whether this will apply to your family or not. It is beautiful. People still talk to their neighbors. One is offered peace through nature walks and the clean, ocean air. And kids are free generally to play without being harassed by the police…generally that is. Generally. It is still America and it is still ALL WHITE. Liberal or not, it is all white. There is no diversity. But there are people in the Casco Bay community who work all over the world and I do mean ALL OVER THE WORLD in every kind of job imaginable. Thank you. Amen.

October 14, 2015

robert smith

your words on change and moving in a new direction ring true for me. you are in the midst of a storm, yet you are navigating it with as much grace and perspective as you can muster. i admire that, and in the se days of moving through life solo, grace and perspective are everything. it takes courage and a little madness to rewrite the course of your life even while the ‘rest of your life’ remains unwritten. yet here you are. thank you again for sharing your journey. take care of yourself. no, REALLY.