Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 3,
July 6, 2000

www.ejhs.org

The Language of Sex Positivityby Charlie Glickman
glickman@sirius.com

First published in Loving More magazine #21, Spring 2000.www.lovemore.com

Sex-negativity, the belief that sex is inherently bad, is one of our
most deeply rooted convictions. It is so deeply intertwined with our cultural
norms that is becomes difficult to even begin to explore it, much less
find ways to change it. One of the more subtle ways it affects us is in
the way we speak about sex, the words we use and even the words we have
available to us. In turn, our language around sex reinforces sex-negativity.
Just as developing a new set of words and theories to describe and then
change the world is an integral part of any social movement, creating a
new language to discuss sex is a necessary part of changing our attitudes
towards sex. What makes this challenging is that, lacking the language,
we have a difficult time even beginning to explore our ideas. This is a
source of conflict and confusion that further frustrates our efforts.

Sex and food

As a sex educator, I need to be able to reduce this confusion in order
for my message to be heard. One method I have found helpful is to compare
sex and food. There's a lot of value in this; not only does it take much
of the reaction out of the discussion, but the analogy works remarkably
well and can be used to suit all sorts of situations. For example, you
never know what you like until you try it, you might be in the mood for
pizza one day and Chinese the next, and if you're going to have dinner
with someone, you have to agree on what you'll be eating. I've used variations
of this metaphor to teach people about safer sex, queer issues, poly issues,
sexual assault and just about every other aspect of sexuality you could
name. It's true that the analogy is not a perfect match, but it does remarkably
well.

Try to imagine the following world: Accurate information about food
is freely available and exists for all ages in appropriate ways. Talking
about what sorts of food you like and negotiating with a dinner partner
is a simple and relaxed experience. Different preferences, whether personal
or cultural, are important for the information they provide and are no
more or less important than hair color or family history, unless people
are trying to figure out what to eat together. Some people prefer to eat
with the same person indefinitely, others prefer to eat in a group and
still others eat with a variety of partners as the mood suits them and
nobody is ever forced to eat anything or with anyone. Each person is an
expert in their desires and needs around food and their choices are respected.

While there are many examples of how our world is different from this
food-positive one (as anyone who becomes vegetarian in a family of meat
eaters knows,) it isn't too hard to imagine this place. Now go back through
the last paragraph and substitute “sex” for “food” and “have sex” for “eat.”
How much more difficult is this world to imagine? How much more work would
it take to make this happen?

Sex-negativity keeps us us from moving towards this world. Some people
also talk about erotophobia, the fear of sex. In many ways, they are really
two sides of the same coin so I tend to conflate the two, but it can be
useful to explore the two sides separately.

Defining sex-positivity

Working to break down sex-negativity is much like working to break down
racism or homophobia- it's a process that takes a lifetime. Rather than
being a goal you can reach, it's more like an asymptotic approach; no matter
how close you are, you can always get a little closer. Although words like
anti-racism exist to describe one version of this process, anti-sex-negativity
is rather clumsy (as well and being a double negative) so most people call
it sex-positivity.

One common definition of sex-positivity is that it's the belief that
sex is good. Perhaps some of us would further describe the mind/body, male/female,
good/bad division that various political and religious structures have
adapted to their needs. However, it can be more useful to reframe our definition
of sex-positivity from “sex is a positive thing” to “working towards a
more positive relationship with sex.”

There are several different reasons for making this shift. First, it
acknowledges that sex is neither good nor bad. Just like food, the benefit
or harm comes from what you do and how it affects you. This takes the argument
out of “sex is bad/sex is good,” no small feat when this has been where
the whole discussion has stalled for so long. Second, it recognizes that
sex is a subjective experience and we each have a different relationship
with it. Third, and perhaps most salient, it holds on to the idea that
our relationship with sex always has room for improvement. All of these
can be compared to the ways some people with eating disorders can change
the ways they see food, another way in which the food/sex analogy works.

Every single person in this society is raised to be sex-negative, just
as every one of us is raised to be racist, homophobic, sexist, etc. Our
patterns of behavior and beliefs are often so deeply rooted that we have
difficulty even recognizing that a problem exists. However, identifying
the problem is often the first step we have to take in order to resolve
it and it's usually the most difficult one.

Why become sex-positive?

There are many reasons for working towards sex-positivity. First, and
in some ways most importantly, it allows us to stop questioning our own
normality. Read any sex advice column or book and you'll see two main types
of questions, although there is quite a bit of overlap. The first are technique-
or skills-related and are some version of the question, “How do I...?”
The answers often read like a section from a cookbook; try this lube, position,
or modification and see if it helps. The second type of question can be
boiled down to “Is this normal?” Sometimes it refers to the person asking
and sometimes it refers to their partner(s), but this question of normality
is still at the root of it. In a sex-positive world, this second question
would cease to have any meaning because we would each be normal FOR OURSELVES.
It's normal for me to like milk chocolate and not dark, while other people
are the other way around. This does not mean that I am normal, it means
that liking milk chocolate is normal for me and I have no need to compare
myself to anyone else on this issue. In a sex-positive world, it might
be normal for you to like oral sex more than intercourse or erotic massage
more than kissing and you would never feel the need for support around
that. The range of sexual expression is more vast than we can really comprehend
and the myth of normality only allows us a fairly narrow slice. In a sex-positive
world, this wouldn't happen because sex-positivity removes our insecurities
about being normal, at least as far as sex is concerned. We each have a
normal sexuality and the fact that mine may not be similar to yours is
only an issue if we want to find something we both like to do. Sex-positivity
means we don't have to be like anybody else.

Secondly, sex-positivity lets us relax. In some ways, sex-negativity
is like having an injury. We walk hunched to one side, restrict our movement
and may even deny it's happening. Learning to heal, stretching our muscles,
and physical therapy all hurt while they happen and when we're done, we
find a freedom of movement that amazes and delights us. Setting sex-negativity
aside is a similar phenomenon. It's a slow process, with setbacks and many
new skills and habits to learn, but when it works, we become much more
relaxed.

Third, and perhaps most relevant for polys, a sex-positive world would
be poly-positive. What difference would it make how many partners you have,
what their genders are or what your relationships look like as long as
it makes everyone happy? Becoming sex-positive helps bring that world closer,
both because we can create a microcosm of sex-positivity and because it
presents an example that makes it easier for others to follow.

Lastly, sex-positivity helps us get what we want by allowing us to do
the equivalent of trying new foods. Go to a new restaurant, buy a new cookbook,
you might be surprised by what you like. This is especially important as
our bodies change. Our society's vision of sex does not allow for aging,
disability, the effects of medication, changing health or a myriad of other
issues that affect our sexuality. In effect, we're telling ourselves that
there's only one type of food we need and only one way to eat it. Not only
can this get rather boring, one of the more common sexual issues people
in long-term relationships face, it ignores the ways in which we change
over time. Few of us eat the same foods at 16 years old and at 40. Why
shouldn't our sexuality change as well? Sex-negativity has no room for
this and millions of people suffer needlessly as a result. (Ask any sex-
or couples therapist if you don't believe me.)

In fact, there are as many reasons to work towards sex-positivity as
there are people willing to do so. What they all have in common is that
they all involve creating a relationship with sex that is more positive
than what we already have.

What sex-positivity looks like

So freedom from the myth of normality, a more realistic response to
changing needs and the freedom to be ourselves are all strong reasons to
work towards sex-positivity, but what would it look like? After all, many
of us already consider ourselves sex-positive, so what's the problem? Part
of the difficulty is that it's difficult to admit our internalized sex-negativity,
just as it's difficult to admit homophobia or racism. Further complicating
this are the barriers we create with our language when it comes to sex.
In a similar way, homophobia could not be confronted until the words to
describe it existed. By focusing on the way sex-positivity changes our
language, we can begin to create an image of what it looks like in other
areas.

Sex-positivity changes the way we speak in several ways. For example,
consider our choice of expletives. What do we call people we're angry at?
Among other things, cunts, dicks, and assholes. Why don't we call them
elbows or ears? Because there's nothing wrong with those body parts. Why
is it that if something bad happens we say that we're fucked or screwed
or that it sucks? If some part of us didn't believe there was something
wrong with those actions and organs, we wouldn't use them in these ways;
every time we use sex words as expletives, we are reinforcing our own internalized
sex-negativity. Trying to use other words is quite difficult and can change
how we think about sex words in some remarkably subtle ways. Another way
our language changes through sex-positivity is being able to use accurate
words. Only in the area of sex do we consider it better to use less accurate
language. We use terms like “sleep with” or “mess around,” slang which
doesn't actually tell us anything. We assume we know what is meant by them,
but when it comes right down to it, if someone asks us to make love, we
still don't know what they like to do. Think about all of the words we
have for eating- nibbling, wolfing, chewing, gulping, sipping, noshing-
an entire catalog of different words and we usually agree on what they
mean. Sex-positivity frees our voices and allows us to create and use the
words we really mean.

By using clear language, we remove a veil from over our sexuality and
our communication. How in the world are you going to get what you really
want if you can't even say the words? It's like going to a restaurant and
saying to the waiter, “Everything you have tastes good.” Or, “Bring me
whatever you like.” Or even, “I like everything you're serving.” It sounds
silly when reworded for this context, but many of us have heard equivalent
sentences in a sexual setting. Now imagine being able to tell your partner
something like, “I'd like you to run your tongue along the underside of
my penis and gently squeeze my testicles.” Sex-negativity is what makes
that different from, “I'm really in the mood for spicy food tonight. Let's
go to that Italian place.”

Some people link being comfortable with sex with being comfortable with
other bodily processes, especially menstruation, urination and defecation.
(All things that happen “down there.”) These are all things that our bodies
do that have been labeled as impolite to mention, if not downright bad,
in part because of their proximity to our sex organs. As a result, a comfort
level with one depends on being comfortable with the others. This does
not mean that there are no rules of politeness in conversation; being comfortable
with food does not mean there aren't times when eating or talking about
eating is inappropriate. Similarly, being comfortable with menstruation
does not mean it's always an acceptable topic of conversation; it means
that there are some occasions when it is. Historically, much of our sex-negativity
comes from the same places as our body-negativity, so overcoming one often
involves overcoming the other.

In many ways, learning to break sex-negativity down is linked to working
to end other prejudices. Sex-negativity is used to enforce sexism every
time a woman is insulted by being called a slut. The myth that people of
African descent are hypersexual and are therefore less developed than those
of European descent clearly depends on the idea that sex is bad. Every
time we're shocked that our elders are sexual beings, sex-negativity reinforces
ageism and it's certainly one of the roots of homophobia, which is based
on some peoples’ sexuality not being within the allowed norms. While these
examples are certainly over-simplified, it's easy to see that sex-negativity
is braided into all of our prejudices and conversely, our other prejudices
inform and help define our sex-negativity, so it's not surprising that
working towards ending one requires working towards ending the others.
Perhaps it's more accurate to say that not working towards ending all of
them limits how far we can work towards ending any of them. Working to
change the way we talk about sex is a challenging and useful task and it's
important to acknowledge that it's only one piece of sex-positivity. Learning
about and experimenting with the wide range of human sexual expression,
becoming comfortable with our bodies, and developing sexual negotiation
skills are just the tip of the iceberg. However, learning to talk about
sex more clearly and thoughtfully is a crucial part of many of these processes,
without which our other efforts stall.

A philosophy of sex-positivity

Whether we've stopped to think about it or not, each of us has a philosophy
of sex. Although there are many variations on the theme, for the majority
of us in this culture, that philosophy assumes that there is something
wrong with sex. It is something to be feared or endured. It's inextricably
linked with sin or pain. It's part of our animalistic nature and must be
overcome. It's not rational or logical. It's a necessary evil. Some types
of sex are good while the rest are bad. Even those of us who are not sex-negative
on an intellectual level have internalized many of these messages.

Ultimately, sex-positivity means creating a new philosophy of sex. While
I have described some of the ways I think it might look, it's difficult
to predict what it will eventually be or how we will get there. At the
same time, although I don't know what the end result will be, I consider
changing our language to be a reasonable starting point. The challenges
that doing so creates will show us where the next steps need to be.

Charlie Glickman is a sex educator and works with Good Vibrations
in San Francisco.