How to Get Someone to REALLY Notice You!

There’s nothing like having a crush on someone who doesn’t know you exist. I don’t mean that in the same way as “There’s nothing like having an ice cream sundae on a hot summer day.” I mean that more along the lines of “There’s nothing like watching an orphanage accidentally explode.” It can be pretty depressing. But before you give up hope, there are countless ways you can get that person’s undivided attention. Well, more like seven ways. And here they are…

1. Be Exceedingly Confident

A recent poll showed that the most attractive attribute in a person is confidence. The second most attractive attribute was the elbow, but that’s only because we polled mostly fetishists. But the truth is people do respond to self-confidence. So never appear nervous or hesitant in front of your crush. Instead, always speak loudly and clearly, even if someone else is talking. Maintain eye contact so intensely that your crush feels the need to hide behind something large. But mostly, remember that you truly are someone special and wonderful, perhaps by buying billboard space all over town to remind you of just that.

2. Always Be Around

General wisdom says it’s important to give your crush some space so you don’t appear too needy, too desperate or too often outside their bedroom window. But if we’ve learned anything from advertising it’s that the best way to get your message across is to hammer it into the ground. So if you want to be noticed you must be everywhere they are. Hang out with the same friends they do. Go to the same places they go. Eat at the same family dinner table they eat. Spring out of the same shower that they bathe in. Before long both your crush—and the local authorities—will have a pretty good idea who you are.

3. Have Your Own Theme Song

The purpose of a TV theme song is to both establish appropriate mood and provide quick, necessary exposition for people unfamiliar with the show. And so it is with your own theme song. Make sure it’s a peppy, upbeat, catchy number that will have people tapping their feet, snapping their fingers and wondering how you got a 40-piece orchestra to follow you up and down the hallway all day. And don’t forget to write easy-to-remember, fact-filled lyrics that will quickly worm its way into people’s ears, such as “Who’s the only one for you/ ME ME ME ME MEEEEEEEE!!!” Then cut to the opening credits you wrote about yourself on the school walls.

4. Look Sharp

No one likes a slob. Not even a slob’s mother, which is kinda sad if you think about it. That’s why you should always look your best every day, in case your crush bumps into you or sees you following them from behind a moveable shrub. Of course, being able to afford a whole new wardrobe can be tough in this economy. That’s why you should take a cue from NASCAR drivers and help defray the cost by plastering countless sponsor logo patches on your shirts, pants, tie and shoes. But don’t forget to use what fabric space is left over to promote a charity, just so people know you look good AND do good.

5. Become Famous

This is actually a lot easier than it sounds, especially if you have a tendency to do something stupid on an easily uploaded video. But fame need not be worldwide to get your crush’s attention. You can become a local celebrity by rescuing someone from a burning building. Or putting out the burning building with your ice breath. Or flying around the planet at supersonic speeds to reverse the earth’s rotation and go back in time so you can stop the fire before it even begins. In short, all you need to do is acquire a superpower and before you know it that special someone will say “Hi” to you. Or you can just get a mention in the local paper for raising prize-winning bunnies. Lots of people like bunnies.

6. Feign Disinterest

Sometimes the best way to get someone’s attention is to pretend to ignore that person. However, if you ignore your crush then you won’t be around, and if you’re not around then they’ll never know who the hell you are in the first place. So you need to create an alter-ego who always hangs around your crush, saying how much cooler it would be if you were there, how much everybody can’t stop talking about you and how you’re so not wearing a fake mustache and wig and talking in a ridiculous German accent while answering your phone by saying your real name.

7. Never Give Up

Sometimes it can feel like the world is against you, even when it’s probably no more than ten or 20 people, tops. You try and try and try but no matter what you do you just can’t get your crush’s attention. Now some might say you should never waste what time and energy you have on someone who just isn’t interested in you. But those people don’t realize how long the average person lives and just how easy it is to reenergize thanks to Clif Bars and G2 drinks. So keep tattooing your crush’s name on your arm. Keep appearing at all their parties, including their wedding. Keep at it and one day you’ll be able to tell someone else’s grandkids how you were the first person to be arrested for stalking at age 93.

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