Saturday, October 24, 2009

I can't... I hate feeling weak. That is how I feel. Constantly. When I eat, I am weak. When I don't eat, I am physically weak.

I'm realizing I haven't cut in almost a month. Maybe... maybe that is what I need. Maybe I'm not feeling anything. Maybe I'm so numb, I'm ignoring my own numbness. Maybe I'm too stupid, irrational and immature to have... to get what I think I want.

The walls close in around me, and I wish for little more than a little - just a little! - beauty from this pain.

My hope is fading, though. I fear, above all, this weakness.

Tears and blood and chocolate and pills can't help this now. I wish I could let it all go. Become who I want to be, regardless of how much it would hurt myself and others. Or, alternatively, become the exact opposite of what I want to be - give up. Regardless.

I need inspiration.

I need something to tell me - Clean your room, or else. Study, or else. Write that scholarship, or else. It should be me. But it's not.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Hey all :) Firstly, I haven't thanked my commenters and readers in ever. We all know how much comments/followers mean. You guys help me out so much. <3

The day went OK overall. I got my interm report card, average is 87. I was disappointed, but I feel myself picking up speed in school so I'm hoping that's a low estimate. Throughout the day I went through the usual rollercoaster of hate vs ____(whatever this is), frustration vs calmness, happy and depressed.

I kept intake under 1,300 - which is good in general, but not so good in that I wanted to keep it under 500 and I packed 300 worth of food for the day. I can't even really explain why I bought more food, or why I came home and had leftovers even after I spent my entire shift beating myself up for buying 3timbits and a 70-cal soup. Part of it, I think, was that half way through the day (only 50cals of pomegranate , YUM) I was walking up the stairs to grab a notebook and I nearly passed out.

How pathetic is that? One day of deficiency, exercise and will-power and my body revolts. My vision blurred, my legs seized, my heart was pounding. Ugh. I was so disgusted by that. But, at the same time, I knew I had so-so many hours left to my day - so I ate my "lunch" to up the blood sugar a bit. There, I think, is where I lost it.

Tomorrow I work 8hrs, then I was supposed to go to a birthday party. The party would constitute a night of rollerblading, pizza, cheesecake and the birthday girl's favorite - creampuffs. I had every intention to go. Before I knew it, I had texted her and said I couldn't come due to homework and the fact that I work all weekend. This is all true, but... socialize vs, well, gym and library? Right now... I'm choosing the gym.

Yesterday I ran .5miles (after 35mins on elliptical). Ok, wow, right? /sarcasm. Most of you can go for like 10miles. I can not... YET. I want to, by Christmas, be able to run 5miles. I have big plans for cleaning, studying, working out, restricting and permitting all weekend. Next weekend is halloween (two parties!) and more work, so this is a weekend to myself.

{p.s I'm reading Wintergirls right now. I was, a few months ago, 84th on the holds list for the entire city. The 84th person identifying with this book. makes me feel less alone. I'm going to write a little support sticky when I send it back to the library. It's a thinspo book - we know where it's going ;) }

That's so epically happy making. Maybe it's just the endorphins from exercise. I'm exhausted now, though. Feeling a little better about life in general... now. Again, I'm blaming the endorphins which is both good and bad. I know the happiness and careless pep is all false hormones. It's not how I really feel.

I'm sorry this is so incoherent, I can't even keep my eyes open right now. Didn't clean or do homework... I did work out and restrict. I guess a neutral day? Wow, my mind is so gone! Thank GOD tomorrow is Friday.

Mom is going on a rage, I think she's out of her happy pills. Ugh, I'm so beyond caring right now. So beyond it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

It's been a rough few days. Yesterday, actually, went really really well as far as the eating and exercise is concerned. Probably ate about 600 cals, max, and really restricted nicely on what I ate. But, then again, I napped from 4-6:30, then got up, stared a the cieling, talked about depression with a friend, then slept from 8:00-6:30am this morning. I woke up feeling... really good! Invigorated, ready, motivated... a way I haven't felt in a very, very long time.

It didn't last long though. I started thinking - about what, I honestly couldn't tell you - but I stepped out of the shower and just thought to myself, Why bother? Why bother getting dressed, eating or not eating, worrying about homework, bringing a camera for the field trip or looking good for the volunteer photoshoot? To what point or purpose will the effort I put in right now, this very morning, matter in the long run?

So, I had a big breakfast, caring less than a tiger cares about a beaver, and did a 50% effort on making myself look decent. Then... at school (in Bio, rather, as it was my only class) a Teacher Appreciation cart came around and my bio teacher, god love him, picked off several cookies for those passing the class with about a 70% (i'm at 93%). The cookies were MASSIVE and coated with buttery icing. Everything in me screamed, "NO, FATTY!" but I still ate it graciously, joking even about how it was all going to my thighs. Truth hurts.

My english AP class took a field trip to see 7 Stories for the rest of the day. It was basically an absurd one-act play about a man standing on a ledge on the 7th floor contemplating suicide. The first 2/3 were comedic in nature... the play was a comedy after all... but the last bit was very poignant. It was one of those times where you could totally tell who in the audience had experienced suicide or suicidal thoughts and who hadn't. Some laughed when the Man explained his seemingly delusional issues with his monotonous life, and how is mood had been provoked by an epitome he had in his sleep about the worthlessness of life. Funny? Don't think so.

Worst part was... I couldn't keep my eyes open. Albeit, it wasn't a visually dynamic play, I still felt bad having to listen to 80% of it. I am so exhausted, even though I slept for so long. I know, when you over sleep you react like this... For some reason, even with something as natural as sleeping, I can't seem to find a balance.

After the play, we went for lunch. I have been skipping lunch for the past...3 weeks?... dreded the thought of being forced to sit down and eat, especially because my ever-perceptive English teacher was right there (she's always noticed when I'm at my lowest, even when my friends haven't the slightest clue). So, I made myself a lovely, 120cal spinach/carrot salad which I ate happily in the corner of A&W. Ok, so, that kind of makes up for the cookie and breakfast right? Wrong.

We spent the lunch talking first about symbolism, then about suicide, then about calories and fat and food! I swear, every girl in my class can eat however much god damn food she wants and never gain weight. Oh! I just HAVE to eat something every hour, or else I faint! Oh, snap! I just had a burger, but that poutine looks sooo good! I'm going to order one! HAHA wow, these fries are delicious. Anyone want some fudge? Fuck yooou. Im sorry, it's pure jealousy...

Anyways, for some reason, after that I got really upset. I have a meeting soon downtown anyways, so I was allowed to abandon the group and go to the library instead of backtracking. That is where I am writing this, it is also why I am going on so long, I apologize. I walked in to the library and BAM starbucks. It wasn't until I was up on the computer, brownie in hand and half eatten, that I even realised I really had it. Ugh, stupid stupid stupid. Good bye 140ilbs. I'm supposed to meet friends for a pre-meeting dinner too, then go home to actual dinner (which is where my mom is watching me like a freakin' hawk).

I found this book called "Suicide Notes" by Michael Thomas Ford in the YA section while I was waiting. The theme is pronounced today, isn't it? This passage is exactly how I am feeling: "...but my mind was racing racing racing. Only I wasn't thinking about anything in specific. It was just this stream of words and half thoughts, like there were a thousand different channels in my brain and someone was flicking through them all." Again, another grey area. I can't focus, I'm always tired, yet I'm constantly thinking and organizing and resting.

I was talking last night, as I said, with a friend who is going through a low-moment in his clinical depression. He was talking about how is weight and appereance had deprived him of many points of teenage-hood that made it worth the trouble. I didn't know what to say. "Oh, I totally know what you mean!" ? No. Of course not. That is where I draw a line. I guess it's why I have such an issue with my own "depression" or "eating disorder" or whatever you want to call it - my angst. I have no reason. He is diabetic and has major eczema scales all over. He isn't fat and flaking due to choice, it's his DNA. People can see that. People shy from that. I, however, have no such visible problem. I'm great at putting on the mask everyone wants to see. So, why have I never been kissed, or even hugged out of affection from a guy my age? Why have only women taken a liking to me? Why does everyone forget I am there? Why do people make excuses so they don't have to be around me?

Sorry for the rant - I have to go meet people for my... 4th meal of the day. Lovely. I'm so going to the gym tomorrow.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Hey guys. Lots to catch up on. I can't excuse my failure to post. My only excuse is my new picture store from a recent photowalk :) Enjoy!

So, firstly, on Sunday I was supposed to meet Ata (cute boy) for coffee. He didn't show. At first, I was hurt, then I didn't care. Story of my life, right? Then, I, somehow, mustered the logic to think and realise he isn't the kind of person to just ditch - he's never late for work, nor does he leave early or take extra long breaks. Turns out his parents thought he had H1N1 so he was in a clinic all day. He's fine, but he didn't have his phone. So, there is still promise there - maybe. I'm trying not to hang to many hopes on it because it's so unknown and I'm so easily crushed.

I've started restricting again - both without noticing and purposefully. I'm down to just under 140 me thinks, which is good, but I feel really fat still because I've been sedentary for months. I'd even be ok gaining a few if it meant losing a few inches off the thighs and tummy (which it will). I am gonna go to the gym tomorrow, and hopefully Thursday, Sat, and Sun. We'll see, but I'm really feeling the need to look good.

I'm pretty sure the kick has to do with the fact that I am actually fat now. It isn't just delusions or obsessions or imperfections - I am fatty. It helps - as crazy as it sounds. You can say you're on a diet and people don't look twice. It's a relief.

Not doing any better on the homework/getting things done front. Pulled an all nighter last night to finish an assignment, and I'm suspecting I will lie to my teacher tomorrow and do an assignment during my spare even though it's due in class. Oh well. I'm not proud, but it doesn't raise my heart rate to lie. Which is pathetic, I know.

One of the pros of my day: I went in to paint sets for the first time all year. I'd forgotten how much I missed my fellow theatre geeks and their crazy attitude and carelessness. Needless to say, I came home contently covered in black paint!

I promise I'll have something more interesting to talk about tomorrow. For now, stay strong all <3

Thursday, October 15, 2009

So, sorry I haven't been updating. I've been... avoiding the computer. I don't know why, but I've just been coming home, turning off my ipod, my cellphone and lazing in front of the tv or walking. Exciting right? I'm trying to re-enter the world of the living, so bear with me.

Anyways, fasting yesterday failed. Not because I lost control but because my body decided to hate me. I swear to god, once it hit lunch time (I can skip breakfast easy peasy) my body went: "WTF BITCH FEED ME RAWR" and I experienced... like menstrual cramps, but 1000x worse and through my entire torso. I don't EVER react in public to physical pain. I was almost crying. Anyways, after a struggled-through meeting I went home and contemplated, had a hot shower, downed advil then decided, you know what, obviously this isn't right right now. So, c'est la vie, I'll try again soon.

Yesterday was also bad simply because it was, you know, first day back after a long weekend. I was totally in a haze and all the sudden everything seemed to be due and new and entirely incomprehensible.

I did, however, have a good day today. Ironically enough, it started off being so good because it was a rare foggy day (weather wise)! I love fog. Anyways. Eating was normal, I was feeling faint and dizzy in Social right before lunch and decided I'd buy a turkey wrap (ate only half) to keep the blood sugar pumping. On the plus side, I made this massive pot of low cal turkey veggie soup that I will sustain myself on for at least tomorrow - YAY! Haven't weighed today, I woke up late and had to rush out.

Um... what else? OH, cute boy at work asked me to "chill" this weekend. We're not sure what that means, but... eh. I don't know him really, but he seems nice and interesting... and he's pretty. I think one of the things he's said to me, one of the things I really remember, is we were talking about celebs and their obsession with plastic surgery and diet (LOL, awkward much) and he just looked at me and said, "No one is perfect, right? It's boring if they are."

So... we can see where my inner conflict with him is. We'll just see I guess.... exciting though. I have to stop myself from expecting too much though...

OH - in other actually related news - 3times a year my parents do the Wild Rose Herbal Cleanse and I've gone along with them as support (cheating often, but SH). Thier post-Thanksgiving one is starting soon and I'm old enough, not only to take the pills/meds, but to have the will power to stick to the diet... This might be what I need to get in control again. Not to mention the fact that my parents will be approving... I won't have to pop pills behind their backs or scrape the potato of my plate while they aren't looking or chew-and-spit pizza. Kind of excited, apparently because the meds act as natural diuretics/lazatives (that's the CLEANSE part) there is virtually no way to not lose weight. It's a two week program.

Stoked.

For all the wrong reasons D=

[EDIT] I just realised how often I switched between "I" and "we" this post... developing multiple personality disorder maybe? Fun. Oi.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Ever had one of those days where you wake up totally exhausted, but jittery to get things done? That's me right now. I think it was because I dreamed of school and homework and university...

I don't have much interesting to say here, besides the fact that yesterday I was down at 140 again - which is good, even though I don't feel like 140, it was a happy moment. I've started exercising again, thank god.

I was actually pretty dang proud of myself yesterday. Calorie intake was at normal human being level, but I didn't binge once, nor did I go all-out on Turkey and Thanksgiving carbs. Even avoided the awful cheese sauce :)

Next step, Halloween. oh god.

So, now, I am going to start the mountain of homework I haven't touched in my 4 days off. It should be... interesting. I'm also going shopping today, which will be frightening because I certainly don't feel my prime. Maybe I'll focus on shoes. [EDIT - Avoided shopping due to post-nekkid viewing of myself induced panic attack. Yay. More time for homework. ]

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I check everyone's blogs every day.I can't blog myself because I haven't made any progress. Even I am tired of typing the same things: I need to get in control, I binged, I feel like shit.I'm tired of typing "I'm tired of this".I'm tired of typing "I wish".

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.I'll go through 3 stages:1) Being pissed of at all the food and having to sit down and eat it with the family I can't stand.2) Not caring.3) Hating.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Firstly, thanks everyone for your support over these last few days. I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me complain and wail and whine about things everyone of you goes through - and still you come out on top. So, sorry... I'm trying. <3 I did not buy a coffee or bar, I bought some 0cal gum, btw. Small victory?

I also haven't binged on actual food today, which is amazing considering this week. My mom did, however, buy like 20thousand packets of Skinny Cappucinos and Mocha Lattees and French Vanilla drink powder. Max is 70cals each. So, I might smuggle a few away and use them to quell my home-alone-provoked binges this weekend.

In fact, if nothing else, I want to have control over my eating for Thanksgiving. Even if I eat "normal amounts of food" (what is normal anymore? My normal is 1000-1300, the internet tells me 2000-2200 is normal), that's fine because I WILL get to the gym at least 3 times. I've been so sedentary lately, and I know working out helps me control eating blah blah blah.

Anyways. I'm going out for an sudo-intervention breakfast with a friend who hasn't been to school in 3 weeks. Major depression and anxiety issues. Why, oh why, does it have to be done at Denny's? The most fattening, greasy place on earth? Ugh. They don't have nutritional info available so I can't even figure out what I'm going to order. I figure eggs is safest, but I don't know. That should be "fun", regardless. Then, I'm going shopping - yes food, then shopping. I think I'll stick to shoes/coats/chunky sweaters. I mean, if I find things I feel good in when I'm at my worst, then when I'm at my best I'll feel fantastic, right?

I've been thinking about this year, and realizing that, among other things, I am going to graduate this year. In a few months, I will attend the banquet in a lovely dress, hopefully (though it's a long shot) with a handsome date and be thin and beautiful and stunning like the thinspo girl of the day. I need to commit to this again. Last week I was so focused. What on earth happened? Lack of sleep is a significant factor, I'm sure. So, I am off. Wish me luck tomorrow.

OH - the worst part is the two people I'm going with are both TEENY TINY. One boy with a man-metabolism, anti-depressants and a mommy-complex when it comes to food (i.e if his mom doesn't pack his lunch, make breakfast or dinner for him, he doesn't eat). And the girl, the one with major depression, has a man-metabolism coupled with the fact that if she gets out of bed to eat at some point in the day that's a break through. And then there is me, with my 88% average and pristine mask of level-headedness, my sensitivity and compassion, my friends and connections, and my massive thighs busting out of my size 9s.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I woke up with the intense knowledge of how little I got done yesterday. I sulked through the morning preparations with carelessness and a ridiculous appetite.

I'm pretty sure I failed my biology final. I either did decent or passed. I wasn't sure about anything.

My social in-class essay went alright, I felt like I had a decent grasp on it. But, again, I'm not sure.

During my spare, I went in to talk to my English teacher because I was still, the period before hand, drawing a blank of how to approach the in-class essay and what to do with it. At this point, I am beyond frustrated with myself and my idiocy. I kept asking, "why can't I get this?"!!! She tried to help. She really, really did. I ended up having to give the excuse, "My brain isn't all here" which led to the question, "are you okay?" No. Ms. K, I'm not ok. I can't focus on this essay because I'm too preoccupied with the fact that last night I searched "how to kill yourself without pain" on google and stared intently at a full bottle of advil for a good 30mins. I'm too mad that, despite eating a full breakfast and lunch, I accepted my friends unwanted chocolate bar at lunch, and that I know I will binge tonight. I'm not okay.

I hesitated. Not long enough to make her curious, I hope. I threw out some lame excuse and tried to focus. It didn't work. The bell rang with a blank sheet of paper. I made my way up to the library where I spent 30mins staring at a blank word document, then started typing. Now, I honestly can say I have no idea what I said. I seriously considered writing a letter to her instead, but I know I put something related to the topic. I also know it probably would merit a C. Max. I handed it in with the promise that I'd do better next time, and the wish that I could.

A day full of failure.

Then, I went to work where it was painfully slow - so I had more time to ponder my cuts and my tears and drown everything in a pack of chips. I didn't come to any conclusions other than: Well, it can't get any worse. It's not just irrational weight and irrational fears of failure. It is actual over-eating of fatty junk and true failure.

If I could, tomorrow, I would stay in bed all day. I would not answer a text or an email. I would just stay. Ignore the world. Fast. Hate myself. Get up the next day with renewed need and belief. But I don't have the time or ability to do that.

Remember that girlfriend I had dinner with last week? I told her a lot of stuff about my life. I'm painting sets with her tomorrow and I'm scared something will come out. I don't want anyone worrying about me. I don't want anyone to categorize me. I don't want the label "ED" or "Obsessed" or "Despressed" attached to me along with every other stupid label I have.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Today was one of those days when I woke up and my first thought was: Today is going to suck.

And, well, your life is what you make of it. I'm so frustrated right now, I can't even focus. Frustrated with myself for being so negative and for losing that optimism and strength I had since Wednesday in regards to myself and how I see myself. I haven't thought: You're useless, a failure, a fat, stupid, idiot - since Wednesday. Well, I hadn't. I'm mad that I couldn't fight it. That I couldn't say, you know what? fuck you. I will have an amazing day!

It was everything. I woke up with 4 major pimple/breakouts. Ok, so I'll look like shit. Then, I remembered that I had an inclass essay... that I forgot about and didn't prepare for. Fuck, i'm an idiot. I'm going to fail. I need something carby. I couldn't focus in Bio and study for my test tomorrow. Wow, I'm stupid. I need food. Today's a shit show anyways, may as well fuck it up more and have grilled fucking cheese. All or nothing, right. Social - friends hate me. Lovely. Behind in work. English essay got moved to tomorrow. Good thing because what I was going to write about the teacher called "elementary and redundant". Lovely.

So, now, it's 9:00 oclock and do I have my essay outline? No. How about my PRT outline? Nope. C'mon I must have had the motivation to study for the uber-important unit exam! No sireebob.

I ate like a fucking pig. I didn't do anything. I was proved, twice, to be an idiot. I can't stop hating the fact that I even feel like this. I can't move past the hate to attack what's causing it. And it's not like I can walk in to class tomorrow and say: "Yo, sorry, I was depressed and suicidal last night - I couldn't prepare. Can I write it tomorrow?"

In writing suicidal, I realise that's actually how I feel right now. And that's so entirely stupid and pathetic and disgusting. How many people would I hurt? How could I do that to everyone?! But, oh, death... silence, that release... is so so so appealing right now. I want to just go to sleep and never wake up...

Never have to deal with food, or marks, or tests, or essays, or boys, or friends, or pain, or hate, or lies, or university, or money, or my future ever again. Just have everything stop. Stop spinning and stop hurting and stop chipping away at me... just stop. Just stop. The bliss of the silence and stability and isolation is so so beautiful.

All day I kept thinking to myself, "Please... please.... don't." Don't what? Who am I pleading to? Cutting won't help, because it can't hurt enough. No, no it can't. I'm so done right now. Just plain old done. Walk away. Give up.

I don't have any strength left. and I don't know why. I haven't wanted to die this badly for a long, long time. I don't want the depression back... not without Ana. She's not coming back.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I can't believe I haven't updated since Wednesday; I am sorry. It's not even that much has happened... well actually, I guess things have. I'll take it day by day, and I only have 5 mins so just the run down.

Friday: 140-ish, eating = 1300-1500calsShitty day at school, then went out for a girls night/dinner with a friend and talked for hours. Spilled my guts about school, family, friends, (not ed)... she made a comment about how she's amazed I haven't started cutting my wrists over not being about to tell anyone about anything. I felt terrible.

Saturday: 143-ish, eating = don't even want to think about it.MORE ON THIS TOMORROW. Had a volunteer excursion out at a YMCA day camp. Went on the 60ft human swing. Twice.

Today: Didn't even look or keep track or care.I'm PMSy. Craving shit. Slept like 13hrs, then went to work where it was INSANELY busy. Exhausted.

Revitalize

About Me

I live in a perpetual grey-area. I struggle with perfectionism, EDNOS tendencies and depression. These are my ramblings, observations and desires. They are a reflection of what my real world will never know.