7 Types of People at Coachella

The majority of Coachella attendees fall under this category. They know their lineup before any artists are announced. For these people, Coachella is less about seeing music with your friends and more about turning off your cell phone and peaking on mushrooms in the security line. Music festival my ass, Coachella is a drug festival with some noises in the background. Before anyone tries to say music is a drug, please save that argument. It’s not technically a drug unless you can buy it by the gram. Just ask alcohol.

Bro's

Bro’s at Coachella are the worst. They spend the festival shirtless so as to expose their sweet muscles and poorly thought out tattoos. They pound $7 Heinekens all day then take drugs they bought in the parking lot and head to the Sahara tent. Once inside, they will try to fuck anything without a dick and fight anyone that threatens their space. It’s all a very bizarre and predictable mating ritual. If aliens have a channel like Animal Planet that’s all about humans, they probably have several documentaries on the subject of bro’s at music festivals.

Industry Assholes

Wander into the VIP area and you will find industry assholes in abundance at Coachella. It’s pretty considerate of Paul Tollett (big shoutout to Paul Tollett for no Justice/Snoop & Dre conflict) to put all of these losers behind a fence. These people usually don’t pay for their tickets, which is fair considering they don’t see any bands all weekend. They show up at night after attending pool parties all day then hang out in their little zone waiting for an intern to recognize them. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

Dirty Hippies

And you will know them by the trail of their dreads. Camping at Coachella sucks because it’s dirty and gross, but these filthy hippies don’t mind. The nicest part of the campgrounds is actually the showers. That’s because so few people bother using them over the course of 3 days and 4 nights. These creatures are generally harmless, they just raise some big questions: where do they go for the rest of the year? How do they pay for these tickets and sandals? Still waiting for the episode of Ancient Aliens that explains this.

Kids on Ecstasy

If your child leaves the house on Friday morning, Indio bound with nothing but a neon bathing suit and some glow sticks, tell them they’re grounded forever. Every year I see groups of unsupervised children that make Hunter S. Thompson look like the patron saint of moderation. Take it easy on your brains, future leaders of America! Your teenage years will rob you of your serotonin and fill you with sexual urges whether you want them to or not. You don’t need pills for that yet.

People With Babies

I have seen the most lackluster minds of my generation multiply then bring their progeny to Coachella. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Leave your baby at home. Maybe leave the part of your life where you went to Coachella in your past. Just don’t stroll your baby into the beer garden and be surprised when I look at you like you’re everything that’s wrong with the world.

Music Lovers

Rumor has it that a long time ago people went to Coachella for music. Legend says that some of this endangered species still wanders the polo fields every April. I don’t know. I'm not sure I buy it. The sentence, "I only go to Coachella for the music," makes me think of the words, "I only read Playboy for the articles," because they're both things that nobody has ever said. If you really do attend Coachella just for the music, more power to you. And more drugs for everyone else.

Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

"I was born with music inside me. Music was one of my parts. Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood. It was a force already within me when I arrived on the scene. It was a necessity for me-like food or water."
Ray Charles

Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

Haha this is really great, well put together.
Personally, I used to be #s 1 and 7. 40% 1 and 60% 7.
Now I'm 0% 1 and 100%7.
But I think there should be a "Just really likes being at coachella" category.

Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

The bros are the worse. I'll take a dirty, smelly hippie any day over a useless frat idiot who deserves death. And if I carried a gun I would shoot every one of them, as they try and push their way to the front. I HATE FRAT CLOWNS!!!

Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

Nice post. Which category are you?

"How long will this last, this delicious feeling of being alive, of having penetrated the veil which hides beauty and the wonders of celestial vistas? It doesn't matter, as there can be nothing but gratitude for even a glimpse of what exists for those who can become open to it."

Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

sucks that i have to be pigeonholed into the bro category just because i enjoy being shirtless and free. i have to wear shirts every other fucking day of my life, let me walk around without one for a weekend, okay?

but seriously though, i don't fit into any other category...i come for the people as well, so i can't be a pure "music lover"...whatever, done ove-ranalyzing and taking away from the semi-funny

Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

Fucking bros getting all pissy on this board like they've got a point to prove. Sorry, bro. This is the one space where you'll get pulled down from your white, heteronormative, gym-toned, misogynistic pedestal.

The camping area was shite this year. I haven't seen that much fucking beer pong since college.
I asked some douchebag to turn down his shitty dubstep at 1:30 am next to my tent and he got all pissy and asked me how old I was.
Dude, I'm 29. I'm a decent, mellow person who made a simple request. Don't turn this into a human rights issue, bro. This isn't Bro v Wade.

This was my eighth Coachella, and I've always gone for the music. And nothing but the music. I had a blast this year, and being annoyed at jocks doesn't define my 2012 experience by any stretch, but wandering through a crowd of people who looked like the dumbest people from my high school left me feeling non-plussed.

1 Coachella before I got sober, 7 since. I support both versions. If you wanna do the sober version, roll with us:
Click Soberchella 2013 for meeting details
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Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

Originally Posted by involvelemons

Fucking bros getting all pissy on this board like they've got a point to prove. Sorry, bro. This is the one space where you'll get pulled down from your white, heteronormative, gym-toned, misogynistic pedestal.

The camping area was shite this year. I haven't seen that much fucking beer pong since college.
I asked some douchebag to turn down his shitty dubstep at 1:30 am next to my tent and he got all pissy and asked me how old I was.
Dude, I'm 29. I'm a decent, mellow person who made a simple request. Don't turn this into a human rights issue, bro. This isn't Bro v Wade.

This was my eighth Coachella, and I've always gone for the music. And nothing but the music. I had a blast this year, and being annoyed at jocks doesn't define my 2012 experience by any stretch, but wandering through a crowd of people who looked like the dumbest people from my high school left me feeling non-plussed.

Great post til the last word, which doesn't mean what you think it does. Unless you really do mean 'perplexed'.

Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

The majority of Coachella attendees fall under this category. They know their lineup before any artists are announced. For these people, Coachella is less about seeing music with your friends and more about turning off your cell phone and peaking on mushrooms in the security line. Music festival my ass, Coachella is a drug festival with some noises in the background. Before anyone tries to say music is a drug, please save that argument. It’s not technically a drug unless you can buy it by the gram. Just ask alcohol.

Bro's

Bro’s at Coachella are the worst. They spend the festival shirtless so as to expose their sweet muscles and poorly thought out tattoos. They pound $7 Heinekens all day then take drugs they bought in the parking lot and head to the Sahara tent. Once inside, they will try to fuck anything without a dick and fight anyone that threatens their space. It’s all a very bizarre and predictable mating ritual. If aliens have a channel like Animal Planet that’s all about humans, they probably have several documentaries on the subject of bro’s at music festivals.

Industry Assholes

Wander into the VIP area and you will find industry assholes in abundance at Coachella. It’s pretty considerate of Paul Tollett (big shoutout to Paul Tollett for no Justice/Snoop & Dre conflict) to put all of these losers behind a fence. These people usually don’t pay for their tickets, which is fair considering they don’t see any bands all weekend. They show up at night after attending pool parties all day then hang out in their little zone waiting for an intern to recognize them. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

Dirty Hippies

And you will know them by the trail of their dreads. Camping at Coachella sucks because it’s dirty and gross, but these filthy hippies don’t mind. The nicest part of the campgrounds is actually the showers. That’s because so few people bother using them over the course of 3 days and 4 nights. These creatures are generally harmless, they just raise some big questions: where do they go for the rest of the year? How do they pay for these tickets and sandals? Still waiting for the episode of Ancient Aliens that explains this.

Kids on Ecstasy

If your child leaves the house on Friday morning, Indio bound with nothing but a neon bathing suit and some glow sticks, tell them they’re grounded forever. Every year I see groups of unsupervised children that make Hunter S. Thompson look like the patron saint of moderation. Take it easy on your brains, future leaders of America! Your teenage years will rob you of your serotonin and fill you with sexual urges whether you want them to or not. You don’t need pills for that yet.

People With Babies

I have seen the most lackluster minds of my generation multiply then bring their progeny to Coachella. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Leave your baby at home. Maybe leave the part of your life where you went to Coachella in your past. Just don’t stroll your baby into the beer garden and be surprised when I look at you like you’re everything that’s wrong with the world.

Music Lovers

Rumor has it that a long time ago people went to Coachella for music. Legend says that some of this endangered species still wanders the polo fields every April. I don’t know. I'm not sure I buy it. The sentence, "I only go to Coachella for the music," makes me think of the words, "I only read Playboy for the articles," because they're both things that nobody has ever said. If you really do attend Coachella just for the music, more power to you. And more drugs for everyone else.

I am a music lover. Also, I never use illegal drugs, nor alcohol or cigarettes.