NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

Survive This Recession? Do I Look Like I'm Madoff Money?

Folks, times sure have gotten tough, economically speaking. There's no point in splitting hairs here (it'd take too long to find one on this cue ball of mine anyway!), so I'm just going to give it to you straight: We're in a recession. A deep one. Deeper than Dolly Parton's cleavage. Deeper than a poetry reading at the bottom of the ocean. I'm telling you, we're so deep in this recession, I just watched the dollar fall below a dinosaur fossil.

One still buried underground!

Yes, loyal readers, the stock market's been sinking faster than a skydiving Titanic and, surprise, surprise, your old pal Roger's going down with the ship. Yes, I've gotten into quite a spat with Mr. Jones—Mr. Dow Jones—and boy does he hit below the belt. Don't even ask me how my 401-Not-So-OK is doing!

More like I got 401-KO'd!

The stock market. Now there's a laugh. If you ask me, they should call that place the Woodstock market. Why? Because anyone who wants to get in is probably high. On drugs!

I didn't even know I had money in the darn thing until it was already gone. See, my brother-in-law John manages all my money. He's an accountant. Whenever I see him, I always say, "John, there are only two things accountants are good at: fixing numbers." Gets him every time.

What gets me is all this bailout nonsense. Whole thing's an inch shy of robbery, if you ask me. After all, I don't need the government taking money out of my wallet and deciding how to spend it…. That's my wife's job!

And speaking of Rosemary, can someone tell me what happened to women in the workplace? I thought the whole point of the women's lib movement was to get wives out of the kitchen so they could start bringing home the bacon. (Sorry, ladies—the low-fat turkey bacon.) These days, our household sure could use another breadwinner. Heck, I'd settle for an extra muffinwinner—or even just a packet of crackers!

With all the money we're spending on therapy bills and expensive miniature urns, I've got former presidents leaving my wallet like it's the White House on Inauguration Day! Yikes!

Now I know you're all thinking to yourselves, "But Roger, you're a successful syndicated humor columnist. You must see more bills than a cross-eyed duck!" Not so, loyal readers. The comedy world is not exempt from today's economic ills. Tony, my editor, has been breathing down my neck for months to think him up some T-shirt slogans or funny sayings to put on a coffee mug—anything to make an extra buck. Nothing doing. My columns can't be reduced to a snarky one-liner you can slap on a mousepad.

Besides, if I wanted to spend my time filling out T-shirts, I'd become Pamela Anderson!

Who would have guessed that in 17 short years I'd go from almost writing jokes for Billy Crystal to pitching greeting cards to Shoebox for some extra scratch? Seriously, I've seen kamikaze pilots with better career paths! (Look that one up if you have to—it's worth it.)