Out of Control

Question:

Hi,

I know that you get this problem from many people but this problem is affecting my life, my family, and my fiance.

From time to time I lose control of my anger and begin to feel that I want to crush or kill something. Two things will cause my anger: my fiance and my cat (especially my cat lately). My cat can easily instigate my anger from nothing. I don't know why but yesterday, it didn't do anything wrong - I actually did. I was pulling its tail and when I pulled it hard, it bit me as a reflex of my stupid action. And because of that I began to hit it as hard as I could with everything - my hand, my leg. I know I am a monster and inhumane - all of that I accept.

After a while I shook myself and saw my cat looking at me terrified. At that moment I realized what I had done. I tried to hold it and it bit me again but this time I didn't do anything. All I did was take its teeth out of my finger as gently as I could.

I began to shake because that person is not me and this happens a lot (I mean losing control). I am also under stress because of college exams, and my fiance is the other reason. Whenever I am mad I shout and swear a lot. Shouting became my habit. I am losing my friends because they are afraid of me, and that I will hurt them with words or loudness.

My fiance is thinking of leaving me. My family blames me and her as well (I don't know why, she is trying but nothing helps). I am losing control day by day and more each time.

Please help me. Tell me what I can do to help myself and my life as well. Thank you.

Drage, 24-year-old man

Answer:

My friend,

You will lose more than your fiance if you continue in this way. You are also losing your self-respect, and may in the future find yourself really hurting or even killing somebody.

What I read behind your words is that this horrifies you. You do not want to be violent, hate the thought and are motivated to change. Therefore, you can change.

You have a clear idea of what you no longer want to do. You want to treat people and animals with kindness. It will help you to do this if you realize that when you feel like hurting the cat, or your girl, or anyone else, you do not have to do so. It is an invitation, not a command. So, when the thought comes to do something you do not approve of, just say "No thank you" in your mind and do the opposite, just like you did with your cat when it bit you the second time.

All that remains is to develop an early warning system so you know you are going to get angry even before an angry thought comes to you. This can be done, as described in my book, Anger and Anxiety: Be in charge of your emotions and control phobias. You can buy this book for a few dollars at http://twilighttimesbooks.com/AngerAnxiety_ch1.html

Have a good life,

Bob

This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.