The best of 2016 (I)

They gave us so much. Amazing stunts, openness, responsibility, sincerity, new words and phrases, hope and more.

Hit by the vicissitudes of these times – recession, Boko Haram, southern Kaduna, kidnapping and hunger – we are tempted to forget their roles in making 2016 a truly remarkable year. We shouldn’t. This being the season of recognitions and goodwill, it is fit and proper to honour all those compatriots of ours who went the extra mile to make the society better. They are our best.

As protocol demands, we start from the top. Former British Prime Minister David Cameron, the biggest casualty of the Brexit ignorance, looked good to carry the day when he gave us the phrase “fantastically corrupt”. It sparked a huge row that went on for days. Nigerians descended on Cameron for making such an uncomplimentary remark. The patriot in many a Nigerian was aroused. “Why call us corrupt when your U.K. is the receiver-in-chief of the proceeds of corruption? Isn’t this the worse hypocrisy anybody can think of?” many Nigerians grumbled to no one in particular even as everybody felt the depth of their anger. Some, the daring ones among the patriots, told the former P.M. bluntly: “Is it your money? What is your business in this? In fact, you must apologise to us.”

With the uproar, it is a matter of great surprise that Mr. Cameron’s “fantastically corrupt” did not win the Phrase of the Year. Really? Not quite. Aisha Buhari’s interview shocked many who never saw the critic in our affable First Lady. She said the administration had been hijacked by a cabal and warned that she might not support the President for another term should things continue the way they were.

Many who had expected a civil war in the first family were disappointed when President Muhammadu Buhari dismissed it all with an amazing presidential jocularity. He said in far away Germany: “I don’t know which party my wife belongs to, but she belongs to my kitchen and my living room and the other room.” It was electrifying. Holidaying women rights activists, whose last known battle was fought and lost a few years ago when a distinguished senator insisted on marrying a minor, suddenly woke up. The President has offended women’s sensibility, they cried, demanding an apology. Needless to say, they got none as their voice was drowned in the euphoria that greeted the president’s salubrious sense of humour. Besides, the phrase “the other room” took on a life of its own, earning diverse interpretations, some of which I will not bother to repeat here, this being a family newspaper.

Buhari’s “the other room”, without any fear of contradiction, is the Phrase of the Year. In fact, Mrs. Buhari’s interview easily qualifies for Interview of the Year, but for justice and equity, the first family will not be allowed to snatch away both trophies.

Secretary to the Government of the Federation (SGF) Babachir David Lawal has been gravely troubled since senators levelled some allegations against him and demanded that the President give him the push. They said they were in possession of a petition alleging that Lawal awarded a contract to a company in which he had an interest. If they had left it at that, perhaps the matter would have just fizzled out like so many others, but his traducers peppered it all with the allegation that the contract, aforementioned, was to cut grass in Yobe – at N272.52m.

No grass was cut, Yobe Information Commissioner Mohammed Lamin said, arming Lawal’s opponents, who are obviously envious of his success, with a lethal weapon to deal him a fatal blow. President Buhari ordered a probe and Lawal was forced to defend his integrity, as if he is just an ordinary civil servant. He said he had quit the affairs of the company that won the small contract and that his son was in charge. Didn’t United States President–elect Donald Trump announce recently that he was ceding his position in his companies to his sons and nobody raised any eyebrow? Not so here. He should show proof that he was not signing the company’s cheques even after stating that he had quit, the SGF’s incorrigible traducers yelled. The more Lawal explained his position, the worse the public perception of him got. His account in the bank of credibility, it seemed, was already in the red. Overdrawn.

All is not lost. Didn’t the great bard say “sweet indeed are the uses of adversity?” The controversial contract has attracted the attention of the intelligentsia, with many researchers signing up for funds to have an academic excursion into what they have termed in popular lingo “contract without tears”. One, a professor of many years standing, I am told, is writing a book on “the grass-to-grace story of the grass cutter of Abuja”. His grass cutter, according to reliable sources who have caught a rare glimpse of the first grade work, is not to be confused with the bush meat that has become a popular accompaniment to pounded yam in many homes in Ekiti.

No doubt, this is the Contract of the Year.

Not much was heard or known about All Progressives Congress (APC) Chairman John Odigie-Oyegun, a chief and former governor, after he joined the June 12 struggle against the vicious dictatorship of Gen. Sani Abacha (of dreadful memory). He was in politics quite alright but he never really hit it big until prominent politicians of like minds joined forces to form the APC that kicked the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) out of power. Oyegun, waving the banner of a democrat and an epitome of integrity, got vaulted into the powerful office of party chairman. Needless to say, he has done well for the party and – as some would argue- for himself.

The APC was set to be announced the winner of the Kogi State governorship election when suddenly, its candidate, Abubakar Audu, died. Many thought his running mate, Abiodun Faleke, who had gone through thick and thin with him would be asked to step into his shoes. Oyegun found in that proposition neither logic nor sense and reason. He announced that a new candidate, Yahaya Bello, a fellow who had dumped the party and actively undermined it after losing the battle for its ticket, had been appointed.

Those who felt Oyegun would stand by his party and insist that the election was over after the APC had in its kitty majority of the votes cast – which the rerun in a few places could not torpedo – were disappointed. “Is this the Oyegun we used to know? What has come upon the former NADECO chief?”

The APC was plunged into turmoil. The sheep were in disarray as the shepherds tore at one another. The animosity was yet to subside when the Ondo State governorship election hit the scene. The primary was as acrimonious as a motor park union’s election. The delegates’ list was upturned and a new one surfaced on the eve of the primary. Those who were hurt did the right thing. They took their case to the party. No justice. Since then, there have been calls for Oyegun to go. Faced with such vociferous calls for his head, many a weak chairman would have chickened out, surrendered and claimed that they threw in the towel under duress. Not Oyegun.

For clinging on tenaciously to his seat despite what is seen by his critics as his obvious misjudgments, which have bred so much bellicosity in the party, Oyegun is Chairman of the Year.

Step forward Youth and Sports Minister Solomon Dalung. Those who are not his fans deride him as an unserious fellow who thinks a ministerial badge is a licence for executive tomfoolery. Some, without conceding to him his fundamental right to be cloaked as he likes, accuse him of dressing like a doorman. Others say his khaki and military police/ Boys Scout beret portray him as a new Civil Defence recruit or a Civilian Joint Task Force (CJTF) commander. I really don’t know.

Despite the darts fired at him, Dalung carries on with remarkable sincerity. When Flying Eagles coach Samson Siasia took the team to Atlanta, United States of America (USA), which the minister erroneously referred to as United States of Nigeria, just before the Rio Olympics, Dalung declared them missing. Perhaps they would have remained missing but for this outcry. The team was eventually found. They arrived in Brazil in unpleasant circumstances and went on to shock the world by winning the bronze medal. An inconsiderate minister would have shunned this modest achievement. Not so Dalung. He let the world into the secret of the team’s success when he announced that his pep talks did the magic.

The other day when the victorious Super Falcons staged a sit-in in their hotel to demand payment of arrears of allowances, the minister was quick to let the cat out of the bag. He confided in the public that the soccer authorities could not pay the girls, the defending champions who had won the Cup of Nations at least seven times, because they were never expected to win. What sincerity.

When he faced the House of Representatives Committee on Sports recently, Dalung was as blunt and frank as ever. He told the lawmakers that the funds “spended” on the 2016 Olympics were “properly spended”. Some fellows who never see anything good in hard working government officials pounced on him.” Is he not a lawyer and a former university teacher?” they growled.

Take a bow Dalung. For your frankness, which your critics deride as buffoonery, you have the Minister of the Year trophy.

Other awards to follow shortly.

…And one last word

Dear reader, this is just to inform you that I won’t be attending the Donald Trump inauguration tomorrow because of my very tight schedule. See you in a fortnight.