Quotes from "Little Horrors of Shop"
Written by Kit Boss
Directed by Adam Kuhlman

PEGGY: Falling from that plane may have broken my spine, but it could not break my teaching bone, no, not even if one existed.

MR. STRICKLAND: I'm gettin' squeezed by some insurance company pencil-stain who claims that workin' too long without a vacation can make you sloppy. And when you get sloppy in the propane business, people die. And then my premiums go up.

HANK: Kill any bugs today?
DALE: Did I?? No.
BILL: I did! It fell in the big jar of blue stuff where I keep my combs.
DALE: Was it small like an ant, or crafty like a fly?
BILL: I'm not sure.
DALE: Fly.

HANK: Maybe you could use an extra set of hands.
DALE: Wingo! But you gotta chip in for gas and poison.

HANK: Bobby, from now on, when I say "How was school?" what I really mean is "How was shop?"

LUANNE: I'm a pre-education major. Maybe I could be a substitute teacher.
(Peggy laughs, then:)PEGGY: Oh, Luanne, honey, I was not laughing at you, I was laughing at the idea.

PEGGY: Hank, I'm going to do for you what, at the beginning of my career, I did for me: create a unified theory of education. Now, teaching can be divided into seven spectras: the salutatory, the attendatory, pedagoguery... wait, how did it go? Let's see, "Sir Arnold Prefers Dining..." D. Disciplinaria...
(Dissolve to Hank in shop class)HANK: ...Which brings us to "sanitaria." Uh... everybody looks pretty clean.

HANK: Just remember to clamp your butt-joint.
BOBBY: (laughs)HANK: Oh. I get it.
BOBBY: I'm sorry, Dad, I just...
HANK: No, it's okay, joke's on me, you're right: you should use a mitre-joint there. That will look better.
BOBBY: Than a...?
HANK: Butt-joint.

PRINCIPAL MOSS: We don't have money for all these fancy teaching aids, like wood.
HANK: You know, the Carl Moss I knew wouldn't --
PRINCIPAL MOSS: Give it a rest, Hank. All parents care about these days is zero-tolerance drug policies and literacy. "Why can't Johnny read? Why can't Johnny read?" God, that gets old.
HANK: But Carl, shop is the foundation of all learning. And I tell you what, a youngster with a tool in both hands has no hands left to do drugs.
PRINCIPAL MOSS: They can put the tools down if they want to do the drugs bad enough.

HANK (reading an inscription on the bathroom wall): "Here I sit, broken-hearted. Came to --" Aaahh! Who brought a cordless power-sander?
BOBBY: I'm on it.

BOBBY: Dad has very good buzz.
PEGGY: And what is the word on me?
BOBBY: I think you're seen as more of an insider. One of them. A suit. You know, they play, you dance.

PRINCIPAL MOSS: According to the school board's zero-tolerance policy, anything that can be used as a weapon is a weapon.
HANK: Well, that's just asinine!
PRINCIPAL MOSS: Hey, my hands are tied. If I showed even a little bit of tolerance, we couldn't call it zero-tolerance.

HANK: Damn zero-tolerance. Using a saw as a weapon makes about as much sense as using a gun to cut a two-by-four. That's how my dad built my treehouse. How he cleaned it, too.

PEGGY: I accept this award on behalf of everyone who has ever fallen out of a plane and lived to win her third straight Substitute Teacher of the Year award.