Tuesday 14 January 2014 11.48 EST
First published on Tuesday 14 January 2014 11.48 EST

WITH NO APOLOGIES TO THE BROTHERS KEMP

Thank you for coming here,
We're sorry for the suit Messi's worn.
Told him last time, damn growth hormone

These are now Fifa days
Slowly taking it all away
Just another play, it's a day
Oh so we're proud of us, but we're proud of us!

Nothing left to snatch in football
Greed has left us standing so tall

Ball of Gold!
Swiftly divested of soul,
We are the power that knocks,
We're indestructible
Always believe in, our own
Gold!
Glad that you're bound to our term,
There's nothing for us to learn,
We're indestructible, always believe it

Now that the class has gone
We will find a little more time
If you're not caught there's no crime

It's only a week ago
The men with the suits but no face
Decided Qatar was still the place
Because they love riyals, how they love riyals
Never mind the high prison walls
Migrant workers feeling so small

Sold!
Swiftly divested of soul
We have the power to know
Who is expendable,
Always believe in,
Because we are
Bold!
You have no root to return
Something we quickly learned
You are predictable, always believing

Football is now a high prison wall
Your brains and wallets feeling so small

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"No one on earth is allowed to question my business decisions. I won't allow it. I can give you my CV to give you comfort, for what I do in business, what I have achieved, but for someone to come and question me is not allowed … But if the community say go away, I promise to go away within 24 hours" – owner Assem Allam threatens to leave the KC Stadium with some characteristically calm chat. People of Hull, you know what to do.

FIVER LETTERS

"Mildly disappointed that yesterday's Fiver didn't include a follow-up to the Albion Rovers 'pay what you can' initiative for their game against Montrose at the weekend (Friday's Bits and Bobs). The club announced an increase in the size of the crowd of 125%, an increase in gate receipts of 160% and an increase in catering/shop/add-ons revenue of 165% (all compared to the fixture against the same opposition in August). Admittedly, the overall numbers are still small but it's proof, if proof were needed, the supporters will turn up in bigger numbers if they don't think they're being over-charged" – Jamie Gaukroger.

"Re: Dan Lucas (yesterday's Fiver letters). Could The Crimea be considered the first of the Charged What You'd Like Brigade?" – Tim Poole.

"Following the furore over Potty Mouth P4rds' outburst at Manuel Pellegrini (yesterday's Fiver), I was just wondering whether I am the only one who is far more offended by P4rds using the term 'Shut your noise'? I find it distressing that a 52-year-old man from the leafy south-west London suburb of Wimbledon feels it appropriate to act and speak like a Danny Dyer-esque character" – Ben Williams (and no others).

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.

BITS AND BOBS

Clarence Seedorf has announced that he will be become the next coach of Milan.

Despite winning five trophies with Bayern Munich in 2013, Franck Ribéry isn't sore at losing to Him for the Ballon d'Or. "What more could I have done after winning all those titles," he sobbed.

Former Liverpool and Spain forward Luis García, who was involved in Roy Keane's last tackle as a player, has announced his retirement. "I think the time has come to end this important chapter in my life," he narrated.

Nemanja Matic has confirmed his desire to re-sign for Chelsea after telling Portuguese media he has played his last game for Benfica. "I want to go to a better league and I want to go to Chelsea, the club which I also love," he cooed.

And Portsmouth are closing in on a deal to sign former Reading midfielder James Harper. "James is a bit Marmite, really," spluttered boss Richie Barker. "He could maybe rub people up the wrong way. You either love him or hate him."