What If Your Way Was The Right Way?

December 10, 2013

Hey there! Happy Snow Day! I’m at home in Connecticut, writing from a comfy couch overlooking the 4 inches of snow we just got here. It’s absolutely beautiful and I hope you’re having a beautiful day as well.

This morning I was talking to one of my clients who started off the call by saying… “I’m so surprised at how much time I actually need to spend on doing things that calm me down, soothe myself, and take care of myself. I guess I always used to think it was wrong to do these things for myself. My boyfriend can put his head down and work for 12 hours without ever needing a break, but I guess I need something different.”

Somewhere along the line, my client had learned that her natural inclinations about what she needed were wrong and that putting in long hours and taking zero breaks was right. And she had been living her life putting in all of these long hours in order to feel successful. Lately she has begun to unravel that story and learn that her way of doing things – with many breaks, periodic calming activities and plenty of down time – was helping her feel so much better on a day-to-day basis.

She was also starting to feel grounded in her own way of doing things and recognize that we all have different needs and different environments in which we thrive.

In general, we often question ourselves and the way we naturally like to do things because we see something else being modeled for us either by our parents, our friends, or society in general. Some examples of what I’ve been hearing lately:

– As entrepreneurs we think we need to “hustle” and “grind it out” because we think that’s what the entrepreneurial culture is all about and that’s what it takes to be successful.

– With our friends, we feel like we need to drink all the time to fit in even though we don’t like drinking.

– When eating, we feel like we can’t actually order what we want because we feel like we may be judged.

– When stuck in a job we don’t like, we feel like we should just suck it up and make it work like everyone else seems to be able to do or else we will be seen as weak and someone who always wants “more”

Our need to do something someone else’s way stems from a belief that our way isn’t safe. That our way won’t lead to success. That our way won’t lead to acceptance, and that our way won’t lead to love.

But I want to challenge that for a second and just open you up to the possibility that your needs, desires, and wants are specific to you and that they’re okay.

What if your way was exactly right for you? What would you do differently that you’re not allowing yourself to do now?

Here are some examples of where I’ve learned to let “my way” shine through in my own life:

1. The way I work: I can relate to my client. I watch my boyfriend work for 12 hours a day and he’s able to still be a happy camper. I, on the other hand, work in short spurts and absolutely cannot put in the hours he does. When I do, I am miserable, drained, and my work product sucks. Instead, I’ve learned to embrace the way I naturally like to work. I take a lot of breaks, I put intense focus in for a shorter number of hours, and I create a ton of boundaries between my work and personal life. Although this is different from other people, this leads to success and sanity for me.

2. The way I eat: I struggled for a long time when I first quit my job and started being a health coach full time. I eat bread, cheese, wine, chocolate, ice cream and I may go a month without a salad. How could I possibly be a health coach? Through my own personal development work, I learned that my way was more than okay. And when I started being really open and honest in my business about my own food philosophy, that’s when my business took off. Although it was terrifying at first to get real about my beliefs around food, this experience showed me that my way was right for me, for my business, and for my clients.

3. The way I socialize:I’ll be honest, I’ve never been much of a partier. I am really social, have amazing friends, and love being out and about, but I really just don’t like getting drunk and partying that much. For years, I thought something was wrong with me, but then I began to accept it and realize that it was perfectly okay for me to function differently. I started socializing my way: having more dinner parties, going out to dinner with small groups of friends, grabbing coffee to catch up on the weekends, and happy hours with just a couple drinks. This took my relationships to another level and gave me that sense of real connection that I had been craving all along.

I could go on and on about ways that I function and thrive “differently” than other people, but these are just a few examples.

The more that we learn that our way is okay and that we will be loved and accepted as-is, the less we feel like something is wrong with us and the more we can align our lives to support our ability to thrive.

Join the Conversation

Once again your post has hit right at the heart of something I am struggling with, and am just beginning to accept about myself. I get up early, get to work by 7 (I teach art) go go go all day long, but occasionally during the day I sit down and veg out for a moment. I have meetings after school, then hit the gym and do any errands that need doing. When I get home I eat and then I …..SIT. I ALWAYS feel like I should be doing something- dishes, cleaning, laundry, Christmas cards, what have you. But I just can’t. I feel so unproductive. So, maybe its ok to just sit.
Writing it out like this makes me realize that if I feel like I need to relax, that I should just do it and leave the guilt at the door! Maybe what I need is exactly that.

Hi Debi! YESSSS… Wow, you do so much in one day it makes so much sense that you need to just sit. I’m glad that by writing this out, you were able to see that it’s perfectly okay. I always love your comments… have a good day 🙂

I absolutely loved this post! I work in more your style as well – I need lots of breaks throughout the day (taking one right now to read this!), and I must keep my work and personal life completely separate or I get stressed. I’m going to flag this post in my Feedly for later reading when I feel like I’m trying to conform or comparing myself to others. Thanks!

i notice i need alone time and sleep a lot more than my friends do. i live in a very rural area of vermont (my own choosing!) and really enjoy the peace and quiet and grandmotherly premature bedtimes i get to enjoy. i am SO different from many of my friends in this regard. i was always the one in college up at 5 or 6 to work out early and have a peaceful, solo start to my day. i used to think my early bedtimes were laziness (not getting more done at night) but now i see how productive my mornings are and how much my body needs sleep. it makes me happy :]

I love this post! It’s really so true. I notice that if I am enjoying the long hours I don’t mind but when I am hating every minute of it I do turn to food and use it as a way to keep my mind off it instead of doing something else for 20 minutes and giving me breaks. It’s something I’m working in and getting better but it’s great to read that it’s ok to do what works for you.

I can completely relate to this. My husband is intensely practical, and can work work work work work and not get bored. Comparatively, I work in short intense bursts fueled by inspiration. As I write, I’m 6 hours into my workday and I already know that my productivity will be almost zero for the rest of the day. I just. can’t. concentrate. If I were doing something a bit more active – I might be less bored. Hmm.

Monica, great realization. It’s such a skill to figure out your own productivity – easier said than done! I am the same way … I peak in the morning and then afternoons/evenings, it’s much harder for me to concentrate. Thanks for sharing!

So glad to have found your site. The constant state of stress you talk about really resonated with me. I go all day like what many of you are saying and felt so guilty about sitting at night. I keep hearing all those articles in my head, telling me sitting is bad, stand and work!! Ugh!!
Thanks for offering such a fresh perspective.

This blog post has really made an impact on me. Throughout this past week, whenever I have questioned one of my actions or my choices I have said to myself – “What if your way what was the right way”? And immediately I feel better.

My idea of the perfect Friday night is in my apartment, with my cat, drinking a good IPA beer, while watching The West Wing on netflix. I’m 25, single, and live in New York City – and even though many people might think that I should be out and about mingling – for me, my right way is the right way.