I'm so lost. (Long)

I’ve been fighting with myself about posting about my situation here on the Bee for days and whether or not I should post it under an anonymous account, but I don’t even care at this point. I might be judged for some of the stuff here, but I’m going to be upfront and really ask for some understanding and constructive advice.

Writing this is alone is cathartic to me, and I’ll try to keep it as short as I can (and not too specific because I don’t want anyone trying to approach me in real life about this).

I have been dating my FI for six years (I am 24 he is 23); we met a month after freshman year started in college and have been together ever since, even through his attendance to a different school and our long distance relationship. We’ve had our ups and downs, but we have always been very loving towards each other and supportive of each other’s dreams; I admit there was some drama early on from both our parts, but as time went on we seemed to grow up together. We both graduated from school last year and got engaged that September–no one was surprised and our families were thrilled for the most part. I can say for a fact that my family adores him and always remark on how sweet and gentlemanly he is and how well he has taken care of me.

Last year (2013) he applied for and got accepted to a prestigious program a few states away for grad school, and after talking about at length we both agreed it would be good for both of us to move there so he could go to school–finally ending our LDR and allowing us to live together before our wedding next year. As time went on he started to get worried about the move (money, logistics, jobs) and understandably so, but still seemed to want to go anyway. I made preparations on my end over the summer by quitting my job and packing up my entire house to move in with some of his family members that lived close to the school while I looked for a job.

Things got harder since instead of seeing each other every weekend we were now down to once a month and traveling to see each other cost an enormous amount of money in gas (5 1/2 hour trip each way). I admit that out of being lonely I probably texted and called him more than usual, but I never thought it was excessive. In that time he also found that he didn’t get an assistanceship for school and had little choice but to defer his acceptance to next year, but it would be a good idea for me to find a job and get settled before he could move out there.

After about two and a half months (August) he started to become very distant and working really late at work. Something felt off, and I didn’t know what it was, but I started to dread planning the wedding because I didn’t feel like we were on the same page. I expressed my concerns several times and finally after FI came to visit me over Labor Day weekend he admitted that he felt we weren’t as close as we used to be when I was in school–that the intimacy we had was gone. I don’t remember all the things he said, but it ended with him trying to break up with me.

My heart shattered instantly. I never saw this coming in a million years, never from the man who had promised to always love me and take care of me and had never led me for a moment to think he didn’t care about me. Already sad and vulnerable I begged him not to do this (I know) and for a chance to make things work. He agreed under the condition that we postpone the wedding, which at that point I already felt was a good idea.

I fell apart fast over the next month and a half–crying uncontrollably every day and not eating or sleeping. FI and I were trying to make things work but it usually ended up with me sobbing over the phone. In September alone I lost twelve pounds. I managed to keep it together just enough to finally get a job, but I was so miserable that I handed in my notice at the beginning of October and moved back home two weeks later.

As far as my career and family went, moving home was the best choice for me. My old job took me back with new and better arrangements (and higher pay) and my parents were thrilled to have me home with them. In the meantime, my FI also moved home and got a new job, effectively putting us both back in the same state and only 1 1/2 hours apart (the closest we’ve been in three years).

To present day, I’m eating, sleeping, and taking care of myself again while I slowly return to work, but things between FI and me still aren’t right. He hasn’t said ‘i love you’ since that day we ‘broke up’ two months ago and barely contacts me over the phone unless if I initiate conversation (but he does always answer when I do).

I know that so many would tell me already to walk away, but in the few times we’ve been able to physically be together since I’ve been back (weekends) my FI is sweet and attentive as he’s always been. He will initiate cuddling, kiss me on the forehead, and he will hold my hand and squeeze my knee. He even drove the 5 1/2 hours to come help me move back home and was courteous to my own family that came to help me. But as soon as we’re apart phsyically things (to me) change, and I don’t understand why. My FI has suffered from depression in the past and has always been his own worst critic about being good enough for me, but I don’t know if either of these things are part of it. In our talks over the phone he expressed fear and concern that he would build me back up only to hurt me again or that if we got married we’d get divorced like most people in his family have.

I’m at wit’s end. I love this man dearly, and I’m trying to be patient, but I need more. We’ve tried to talk about what we’re doing and where we are but it seems like everything I say about it makes him shut down. If there is something deeper going on I want to help him, but I have needs too.

TL;DR My SO and FI of six years blindsided me with a break up, and now as we try to make things work two months later, his actions are confusing the hell out of me and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

It sounds like the two of you grew apart. Being together since you were 17/18, this is pretty normal. Unfortunately, from everything you’ve told us, it sounds like he’s not invested in the relationship any longer, but he still cares about you and doesn’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but I would not be trying to make this relationship work.

You’ve been together for what sounds like a long time, but 6 years LDR and starting at 17/18 it sounds like you guys have just done a lot of growing up and growing apart. So much changes, and on top of it, not being able to see each other regularly makes it all the harder. It’s been 2 months and he still hasn’t come around. It sounds like he’s just trying to be nice and doesn’t know how to just break it off (though he trying by not calling or anything) and is waiting for you to finally do it.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel because I’m going through something similar. Our fiances even sound similar. Mine has a history of depression too and we are both long distance. He has recently become distant with me as well and I suspect it has to do with the distance and his emotional susceptibility. I have confronted him multiple times about his behavior and while cryptic, he still states that he loves me and intends to marry me. I think he may just be very homesick.

But if he expressed to me at any point that he no longer felt the same way about me and had doubts, I would leave him in an instant. In your case, it doesn’t sound like it’s related to distance since you’re closer now and nothing has changed. What is happening now is unfair to you. As you said, you have needs too. You need to feel loved. I don’t think you can change him. And you can’t change yourself. It is out of your hands now. Cherish the good times you shared and move on. Free yourself of your heavy heart and you will feel so much lighter.

I’m sorry 🙁 personally I spent a lot of time trying to make it work with someone based on their past behavior of saying they wanted to marry me and a life with me, I thought we could get back to that but we couldn’t. At 33 I’ve had conversations with other girl friends in long ultimately unsuccessful relationships and we could all kind of pinpoint when we should have moved on, I think this is likely your moment to move on and find someone else. I know it’s hard and it hurts but he is politely pushing you away, I’m sure it isn’t easy for him either and he is trying to let you down easy.

misskittenn: I’m sorry doll, this sounds like the end of the road… it’s going to hurt like hell but you’ll figure things out. It’s time to refocus your life, rekindle friendships, pick up a hobby, join clubs and try new things. Live for you for a while. Let him call you if he wants to… don’t waste your time waiting though. As that book (he’s just not that into you) says “don’t waste your pretty”.

Instead of continuing to bring up the topic of the two of you (don’t feel bad, we’ve all been there) and instead of trying to guess how he feels, I think there are clues here as to what happened. If you do the math OP, you and your FI have been long distance since you were 21. —until almost the end of college. And didnt OP’s FI say they lost the intimacy they had while she was in college? Long distance relationships are tough. And you are still long distance somewhat.

The other clue here is the timing of the September breakup and the different way he was acting towards OP shortly before it. Didn’t he just go through the embarrassment and feeling of letting down OP when he had to postpone grad school after convincing OP to uproot herself – very hard for both of them. No wonder things felt off to both of them. OP’s FI had to feel badly about where he was at in his life – stuck for a year not able to move forward with school and unable to do the things for OP that make her FI feel manly such as helping her with more emotional and financisl support in a new town. No wonder he wants to still see her as more than friends but not plan the wedding. By the way even if this was two straight BFF girls and they had promised to get a place together but then one girl’s plans changed leaving the other inconvenienced, I will bet that the friendship would be strained temporarily!!!

In my opinion, it is understandable that the OP is now in reassurance-seeking mode (triggered in her by the almost breakup in September because of HIS issues and by the upheaval OP went through with leaving her life behind to be with him) BUT OP will be far better off if she stops bringing up “where their relationship is at”, lets herself enjoy the weekend dates with him, and has new adventures such as meeting a new crowd, vacation with the girls or alone, etc! Discover some new bands. OP could try something challenging that she is passionate about.Her sense of loss/grief over the changes in her relationship with FI will heal, her confidence will rebound and maybe the OP and her guy will grow closer again.

I agree with PP that it seems that you two have grown apart. I am not saying break it off, but I would highly suggest that you talk to him and ask him what he truly feels for you. Then go from there. BUT do not put your life on hold over someone who is not sure about being with you long term.

If in the end he wants to break things off, it is going to be really hard but it will get better with time. Hang in there.

I’m really sorry but to me it sounds like it’s over. It seems like he felt to bad to really cut you off and now your relationship is just puttering along. I think you need to really end it or he will soon. Sorry bee, theres a guy out there for you but it definitely doesn’t sound like it’s him.

I agree with previous posters, it sounds like this relationship has run its course. I’m sorry, I know from personal experience how hard it is to get over a long and very significant relationship. These next few months will be hard on you, but you can get through it and emerge a stronger person.

It might help you to make an effort to stop letting thoughts of your relationship, your boyfriend, what went wrong, etc., be always at the center of your thoughts. After my first big break up, I kept a journal. I wrote my feelings in it every morning and then refused to let myself think about my breakup or my ex for the rest of the day. I also made an effort to pursue new experiences. What are your other goals besides your boyfriend? Take a class or take a trip – do things just for yourself that will make you feel proud and worthwhile and like you are moving forward instead of clinging to the past.

Other people may disagree with this advice, but when I was 26 and getting over the sudden end of an almost five-year relationship, it really really helped me to get right back out into the dating scene immediately. It reminded me that I was attractive, interesting, had many new adventures in my future, and that other people were interested in being with me even if my ex no longer was. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, just fun and validation. I guess that may sound shallow, to seek self validation from being with other men, but it really worked for me. I’ve been through many breakups since that first biggie and I’ve always found that the best way to get over somebody is to jump right back in the pool and find somebody new.

Oh, and I meant to add: it may be useful to cut contact with your ex for the first couple of months, but if you can do it, it can’t hurt to stay in friendly touch with him. Move on with your life and don’t cling to expectations or hopes, but who knows what will happen in the future? Sometimes people grow together, then grow apart, then grow together again. It doesn’t sound like this relationship has had a horrible traumatic ending, and your ex sounds like a pretty good guy who has tried to be honest with you without being cruel. So why not leave the door open for the possibility of future reconnection?

OmbreBee: As to your advice to ask him how he feels, no way. OP is already doing that and it is not working. It keeps her in that vulnerable reassurance seeking mode. Neither of them can grow…or figure things out…with OP acting on her worries. And sometimes our moms are right when they say not to push/act “desparate” (not that OP is desparate but the heavy talks aren’t the best choice from a dating/social point of view).

It’s confusing because you’re both pretending he doesn’t want to break up. It’s obvious he cares about you a lot, but not all relationships are life-long ones. 6 years is a long time, but 7 years or 8 or 10 is even longer. Wouldn’t it be better to let it go now and have pleasant memories, than to keep it on life support until you both hate each other?

OmbreBee: thanks, I just found for me that dealing with relationship anxieties by knowing when to stop pushing for certainty has resulted in a happier love life. Sometimes a couple needs more fun and less pressure. Lol this is advice learned from mistakes I used to make.

misskittenn: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve never been in a LDR but all I know is that is sounds really difficult and I don’t think I could personally do it. It’s really hard to connect and build a relationship with someone when you’re only seeing them once a month. Marriage counsellors say that to build a great relationship/marriage you need to spend at least 5 hours per week quality time with each other.

Sorry if I don’t understand the situation thoroughly, but isn’t there a way for you to be closer together or live together? If not, this might not be fixable 🙁