October 25, 2008

Campaign 08: Campaign Diary #2

9:05 AM Rolls out from beneath John Key’s carbon neutral campaign bus and upon clambering to his feet he is pleased to discover he is in the Hillcrest suburb of Hamilton. ‘I own this town,’ Copeland declares.

9:30 AM Discovers half a rotisserie chicken while ransacking dumpsters behind the local mall but at the last minute a stray Jack Russell terrier seizes the chicken and escapes with it after a brief struggle. Dejected, Copeland admits that he would have put up a stronger fight but didn’t want to harm the dog in front of the media. ‘That’s modern politics in a nutshell,’ he says ruefully.

10:45 AM Reads St Paul’s letter to the Romans to a group of lingerie mannequins in the window of Farmers department store until he is ejected by the manager of the perfume counter; standing outside the store doors he thunders ‘they who are of the flesh cannot please God’. He leaves after being sprayed with Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men.

11:50 AM Agrees to buy alcohol for two minors in exchange for their votes. Is undeterred to learn that minors are not allowed to vote. ‘This is how you build a base,’ he explains. Upon obtaining their sixpack of KGBs both girls promise to support his party in 2011 but refuse to vote in favor of a referendum to ban smacking. ‘That was never the deal’, they reply.

12: 30 PM Amicable discussion with a group of Hare Krishnas ends with Copeland exchanging some Kiwi Party pamphlets for a copy of The Bhagavagita As It Is and a vegan lunch. ‘I think I came out on top that time,’ he gloats. ‘All this wheeling and dealing is great practice for negotiating a coalition post-election.’

1:00 PM – 2:30 PM: After receiving a text message reporting Kiwi Party internal polling results Copeland spends an hour in a cubicle in a toilet in the Hillcrest library sobbing then stands in front of the mirror slapping himself in the face while delivering a torrent of vicious abuse to his reflection. Stops when reminded by his assistant that the media are present, begs Duncan Garner, Francesca Mold and their film crews not to use the footage.

4:30 PM: Delivers speech on fiscal policy to flock of pigeons; explains that New Zealand dollar is weak because it is printed on flimsy paper.

5:00 PM Curses sunny evenings of daylight savings as they make it difficult for him to climb under John Key’s campaign bus and strap himself to the undercarriage without being detected by diplomatic security. Promises that if elected all future campaigns will be conducted in perpetual darkness before scuttling into the car park using a row of shrubs as cover.

12.16pm: Copeland enters a steakhouse, orders an eye fillet, medium rare. He is anxious that the steak be cooked properly. ‘Don’t overcook it – you overcook it, it’s no good. It defeats its own purpose,’ he remarks to the waiter.

12.43pm: The steak arrives. It is overdone. ‘It’s like a piece of charcoal!’, he cries.

12.44pm: Copeland realises he has re-enact parts of two Scorsese-De Niro flicks in a few hours.