Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Do What You Must to the House, Just Let Me POOP, Mr. Piggy!

I think I can safely say we've all had this happen to us at least once in our lives: you befriend a wild pig that's wandered in from a nearby rainforest, and all of a sudden, he's got you trapped in your bedroom while you really need to make a "number two."

Wait, this has never happened to you? Huh.

I guess you need to get out more, or something...

A pig named Bruce held an elderly woman hostage in her home in eastern Australia after she befriended the juvenile swine, which is the size of a Shetland pony.

It never says how they know that his name is Bruce. It doesn't seem like the old lady named him Bruce. I don't think they know his original owners. Name tag, maybe? Maybe an unmistakable "Bruce-ness" to him?

Ms Hayes had even nursed Bruce back from ill health, putting cream onto his infected eye. “When I first saw it, it had 15 ticks in its eyes which I actually took out with tweezers," she told Times Online.

Fucking EW. There's your problem, Ms. Hayes. The second you start creaming into someone's eye and picking ticks off them, you start asking for trouble. Trust me, this happened to me once, only it wasn't a pig it was a homeless dude, and it wasn't cream it was...

I digress...

But by 4am on Monday their friendship had soured when Bruce – a white boar pig weighing approximately 175 pounds (80kg) – began ramming Ms Hayes’s bedroom door, grunting loudly and demanding to be fed.

"Fed," eh? Just speaking from experience, when I'm banging my head against the bedroom door of some unsuspecting chiquita, grunting loudly and making demands, they're generally not for a chicken quesadilla, if ya know what I mean, huh? (nudges) HEH?

He became so aggressive that--

Buttsex. Is what I was referencing before. And why the shit do they keep making out like this pig is a person? How, exactly, was he demanding to be fed? I mean, we can assume that's what he wanted, (because honestly, what the fuck else does a pig do other than eat or get ate) but let's not print speculation as fact, ok?!?!?!1!?

And this...is where the article takes an...interesting turn.

He became so aggressive that the pensioner could not leave her bedroom in order to go to the outside toilet.

Ok, so not totally necessary to mention the fact that she had to use the bathroom (I'm pretty sure the rampaging pig angle could've run on its own), but whatevs, no biggie, just painting a full picture.

“He was head-butting the door really hard, and snorting really loudly,” Ms Hayes said. “But I really needed to go to the toilet so I opened the door and he pushed me so hard I fell over.

That must've been some shit she had to take. I'm sorry but if this

Is outside my door banging like a wild fucker, I'm going to at least consider pooping in the wastepaper basket.

In the melee Bruce bit Ms Hayes’s leg and arm. “I was so scared I stayed in my room for about two hours until I couldn’t wait to go to the toilet anymore.”

Oh my GOD STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS!!!

She was finally able to make a run for the lavatory by coaxing the pig outside

(pulls out gun) ONE MORE SHIT REFERENCE AND I EXECUTE EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE OF YOU!

Throughout the next few hours [while Ms Hayes took a MEGAshit] Bruce proceeded to trash her garden, dragging a mattress out of a garage and ripping it to shreds, and also – rather cleverly – rolling up a doormat with its snout.

So it trashes her garden, fucks up her garage, and then...neatly rolls up her doormat? I mean, did Bruce use it to bash in some windows, or was he just like, "Oy mate, someone could trip an' faw ova dese 'ere doormat. 'Emme jis row it up oll nice-like. 'Ere."

Oh, these fuckers are all Aussies. Shoulda mentioned that earlier. Should just go back now and edit it in somewhere. Fuckit.

Neil Hing, a ranger the Rural Lands Protection Boards – a regional animal health and agricultural protection service – is now due to visit Ms Hayes’s property on Wednesday to take Bruce away.

Wait, so they're just going to leave it there until Wednesday? Like, after it tore the shit out of everything, broke into the house AND neatly rolled up a doormat, the Aussie rangers were just like, "well, we'd sure loik ta help ta-noight, but we-ah dealin' with a li'l infestation of Cheggy Wangabunkas (I'm just going to assume there's an Australian animal with that name...I have about a 80% chance of being correct)and we-ah not goin' ta be able ta swing boi til Wednesday 'round tea toim, innit?"

Mr Hing said Bruce...was most likely to end up as bacon. Or perhaps sausages.

I hope that was an actual quote.

“Most pigs at some point in their life end up getting slaughtered, it’s just a way of life,” said Mr Hing, who is a feral pig specialist.

At some point in their life? Um, stop me if I'm wrong here, but isn't it kinda difficult to get slaughtered at any time in your life other than the end? Like are there people out there getting mid-life slaughtered? "Oh I remember when I was a teenager, I got slaughtered once. Times were simpler then."

Although it is pretty bad that they're just going to kill him without a fair trial. I mean, is he really that dangerous?

“He’s a small male who is not de-sexed so he potentially could get more aggressive, and the risk of disease is high,” he said.

So they left some high-strung, horny feral pig with swine herpes at this little old lady's house?!? Oh yea, Blog-o-verse, she's 63 years old! That's fucked up, nation of Austalia. Fuuucked up.

Ms Hayes said she “hasn’t stopped crying” at the thought of Bruce being put down. “He’s a nuisance but he’s just a cute little Aussie fella.”

Ok, nation of Australia, you're off the hook. Bitch is craaaaaaa-zaaayyy.

And now, for no other reason than the fact that it's Pig Day here at the 'Mauf, a pic of the biggest fucking pig you've ever seen in your life or will ever fucking see in your life orany other combination of the words "big" "see" "life" "fucking" and "pig" you can come up with.That is all.