I was lucky enough to receive a preview copy of Searching For Sunday by Rachel Held Evans. Do you ever read something and think, "Oh my gosh. This is ME. This is exactly how I feel." Followed by the possibly-stalkerish thought "We should be besties," but maybe that's just me.

Rachel's words moved me to tears in so many ways. It brought up past and current hurts. It challenged me to see things in a different way. It pushed me to turn to Jesus when my heart is hurt, especially so when it's because of his followers. If you've ever wondered why so many American Christians spend so much time trying to one-up each other with "holiness." If you've ever thought that maybe we should put more energy into caring for orphans than opposing gay marriage. If you've ever been struck by doubt so heavy, you thought you'd never stand again, reach Rachel's book.

I've said for a long time now that I don't really care much for the stories of people who've never doubted. Not that those don't have value, they do. It just doesn't do it for me, personally. I want to hear about someone who not just stumbled from the lofty mountaintop of communion with God. I want to hear about someone who fell all the way down the mountain, tumbling, scraping, breaking bones along the way. Maybe they even turned to the sky and gave God the finger after that, wanting nothing to do with this Christian life. And then, somehow, found their way back to Him. Of course, they found His arms open wide. Those are the stories I want to hear. While that's not Rachel's story, nor is it mine (I'm far too afraid of smoting), because this story is so close to my own - the tumbling and scraping down the mountain, at least - that it is one I will return to again and again.

Rachel's book is centered around seven sacraments of the church. I thought I'd give a few of my favorite quotes, and explain its significance for me (all emphasis mine). Honestly, this is difficult because approximately half of my copy is underlined. But, I figure that wouldn't really serve the purpose of reviewing the book. I've chosen the quotes that impacted me, but I could have done this with quotes I feel are calling for a change in American Christianity. Maybe a blog post for another time.

Baptism
"The people didn't have to go to God anymore; God was coming to the people. And God, in God's relentless love would allow no mountain or hill - no ideology or ritual or requirement or law to obstruct the way. Temples could not contain a God who flattens mountains, ceremonial baths a God who flows through rivers. Repentance, then, meant reorienting one's life around this reality. It meant repenting of the old ways of obstruction and joining in the great paving of the path, in the demolishing of every man-made impediment between God and God's people, and in the celebrating of God's wild uninhibited presence filling every corner of the earth. It meant getting baptized in rivers and getting out of God's way. After all, with enough faith, a person can move a mountain . . . even a mountain of her own making."

photo cred: Michelle Ziegler

As one raised Southern Baptist, I understand the importance and beautiful symbolism of baptism. To this day, one of my favorite songs is Washed by the Water by Needtobreathe gives me chills and brings me to tears (they must be Baptist too, they have a real focus on baptism and rivers). But, this idea that baptism changed from a ceremonial bathing of feet to a anywhere-declaration of love and commitment moved me. As one who's built up mountains of theology, opinions, mistakes, doubt, and failures, I needed to hear this.

Confession
"We Christians don't get to send our lives through the rinse cycle before showing up to church. We come as we are - no hiding, no acting, no fear. We come with our materialism, our pride, our petty grievances against our neighbors, our hypocritical disdain for those judgmental people in the church next door. ... We come in search of sanctuary, a safe place to shed the masks and exhale. We come to air our dirty laundry before God and everybody because when we do it together, we don't have to be afraid."

This sacrament is wholly unfamiliar to me, as a sacrament anyways. But the idea that we are here to be real with one another, to help one another, to hold one another up and share our trials, doubts, and difficulties is home to me. It's why I write. Funnily, I feel free to be that broken self everywhere except the church. That's something I'll be working through for awhile to come.

Communion
"But the gospel doesn't need a coalition devoted to keeping the wrong people out. It needs a family of sinners, saved by grace, committed to tearing down the walls, throwing open the doors, and shouting, 'Welcome! There's bread and wine. Come eat with us and talk!' This isn't a kingdom for the worthy; it's a kingdom for the hungry."

photo cred: Ashley Hamel

This section meant a lot to me; I already wrote a blog post about it. Yet, there's still so much more to say. I used to have a lot of food issues. I used to not drink alcohol because I thought it was bad. Over the last few years, I've gradually let go of those things, so the practice of communion really speaks to me - carbs and wine, no guilt! Just kidding. Mostly. More than that, it's the practice of being real. I believed, from as young as I can remember, that church is the place you put on the fake face for all the people watching - side effect of the fishbowl of being a PK. I still get anxious when I invite people to my house, thinking they'll be judging every tiny thing (What is that stain on the wall? Is there no jump house at this birthday party? Wow, those kids are LOUD. Why does this dish smell like socks? etc). The idea of communion being a place to invite people to see the real you (which, for me, sometimes requires a little wine), in your home, and you let them be themselves. That makes my heart lift with hope for the church more than anything else.

Confirmation
"No matter where I went to church, I realized, doubt will follow, nipping at my heels. No matter what hymns I sang, what prayers I prayed, what doctrinal statements I signed, I would always feel like an outsider."

"No step taken in faith is wasted, not by a God who makes all things new."

photo cred: Stephanie Baldwin Tresner

When I was younger, I was wholeheartedly Southern Baptist. I was Baptist Faith and Message, baptism by immersion, communion once a quarter, Sunday morning/Sunday night/Wednesday night, Republican, anti-feminist, all of it. As I began to question and shed some of these things, I began to wonder where I belong, if anywhere. That first quote hit me hard. I wasn't alone in my feelings, but I still felt - feel - like an outsider. And yet, denomination doesn't matter between me and God. My confirmation rests in the fact that I want to follow Him, wherever that leads, a denomination or not. My beliefs will be based on my communication with God, and no one else's, and God will honor that.

Overall, this book is about how we need church, and we don't have to find it under a steeple. We can find it in so many places, and that building with the cross high in the sky is just one of many. "Even when I don't believe in church, I believe in resurrection. I believe in the hope of Sunday morning."