Miami Heat: They went 0-for-the-weekend and have lost four in a row overall, dropping their record to a second-next to league-worst 8-23. On Friday night, Miami wasted a 48-point, 7-rebound, 11-assist performance by Dwyane Wade in dropping a 121-114 overtime decision to the Orlando Magic. Things got worse on Saturday night, when the Heat scored only 74 points in a 22-point loss to the Washington Wizards. Said Pat Riley after the game: "One positive point about tonight's game is that this is the last game of 2007. It's been a bad year."

Dwyane Wade: As noted above, Wade was spectacular on Friday night. Unfortunately, he played like stale ass on Saturday night: 12 points (5-12) and 7 turnovers. That's right; he had more turnovers than field goals.

Shaq: Where was The Big Injury during the Heat's lost weekend? Nursing a sore hip. [Insert old age joke here.] I think Shaq's yearly 20-game in-season vacation has officially begun.

Jason Collins: On Friday night, he went scoreless for the 18th time in 28 games. He also notched the exceptionally rare four trillion. That, it seems, was the end of Lawrence Frank's patience, because Collins never got off the bench on Sataurday night.

Casey Jacobsen: The Memphis guard-forward and former McDonald's All-American scored a five trillion against the Rockets. Stanford must be proud.

Andres Nocioni: Think Noc misses his former coach? In the three games since Scott Skiles was fired, Nocioni has shot 1-for-11, 2-for-12, and 1-for-4. Math experts will agree that adds up to a 4-for-27 stretch. Ugly.

Adrian Griffin: He squeezed out a one trillion against the Knicks on Sunday.

San Antonio Spurs: The defending champs are the odds-on favorites to win the NBA title again this year, but a quick peek at their roster exposes a group of older and, in some cases, marginal players. That rarely matters, thanks to the combined efforts of Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili. But they sure looked old and lame on Friday night, shooting 31 percent and scoring 73 points in a 10-point loss to the Toronto Raptors. They're still very, very good, but they're hardly invincible.

Cleveland Cavaliers: The Cavs followed up a hope-lifting win against the Mavericks on Thursday with a low-energy effort in a 1o-point loss to the Hornets on Saturday. And frankly, the game wasn't really as close as the final margin. Larry Hughes was the team's biggest loser, scoring 2 points (1-9) and committing 4 turnovers.

Milwaukee Bucks: Let's see...0-for-the-weekend, three losses in a row, they've lost 7 of their last 10 games and they're 11-18 overall. It's hard to believe that at one point they were 7-4 and leading their division.

Andrea Bargnani: Is this kid going through a sophomore slump or what? His scoring, shooting, and rebounding numbers are all down from his rookie season, and he had a not-so-good weekend: On Friday he scored 11 points (3-9) and committed three turnovers, and on Saturday he went scoreless (0-5) for the third time this season.

Utah Jazz: Another 0-for-the-weekend for the Jazz, who played their own rendition of "We Hate the 80s." First they got blown out on the road by the Lakers, and then they lost to the Celtics at home despite shooting 55 percent from the field. They've dropped to 16-16 and their next game is against the red-hot Trailblazers. Sub-.500 could be in their very near future.

New York Knicks: Four days of rest didn't do them much good; they looked lethargic and disinterested while getting blown out by the Bulls. Think Isiah's lost this team? Don't rush to answer that one. First read these comments by the recently benched Eddy Curry and then make your decision: "I'm definitely not embracing [coming off the bench], but what can I do? I have to use the minutes that I have and try to be productive and if I don't play a lot of minutes, I don't play a lot of minutes. There's nothing I can do. I can't sub myself into the game. I'm not going to go to him crying and whining about playing and starting and all that stuff. It definitely bugs me. I think I'm a starter in this league, but I guess not on this team." Yeah. That's pretty much the opposite of good morale.

Sacramento Kings: They went 0-for-the-weekend, they've lost four in a row, they're 11-18 overall, and now they've lost Ron Artest to elbow surgery. In case you're counting at home, that means the Kings have lost their three best players (Mike Bibby and Kevin Martin are also out) to injury. Go ahead and leave this team for dead.

Los Angeles Lakers: They went retro by wearing 80s-style short-shorts against the Celtics, but that was the only thing that was 80s-like about the Lakers on Sunday. The Celtics were playing their fourth game in five nights, it was their final stop on a four-game Western Conference road trip, and their starting point guard wasn't available. Despite that, they still blasted the Lakers 110-91 in L.A. Kobe Bryant shot 6-for-25 and was in foul trouble all game. The Celtics basically pushed the Lakers around all night, and there was nothing L.A. could do about it, even though the refs called technicals on Kendrick Perkins, Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, and Doc Rivers. Even sweeter: Boston delayed Phil Jackson from going past Red Auerbach in total career wins.

I think if you're going to wear retro uniforms, you might as well go all out and sport some authentic duds. I actually liked that they attempted the short-shorts. Unfortunately they had to ruin the look with baggy jerserys. Had they done tighter jerserys, and had Boston gone short-short too, then the whole thing would have come off much better looking.

I can't believe I'm actually serious about this. I need to get out more.