Friday, March 31, 2006

My brother is actually the king of April Fool's Day. Every year, he manages to pull one over on my mother, and they get better and better. And every year, she promises that she will (a) not fall for it again, and (b) get him back., but I don't think she ever has. When it finally happens, though, I bet it will be fantastic.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

To determine your own slogan, go to this site, enter your name in the box, and hit the "Sloganize" button. Share your results via the comments section. And, DON'T CHEAT -- keep the first slogan they give you.

According to the sloganizer, the blog is "The Right Blah Blah Blog at the Right Time." That'll work.

For the record, this was sent to me from a friend from high school, via MySpace.

. . . but it's almost as controversial. In Salon, sociobiologist Edward O. Wilson states that "Religious belief itself is an adaptation that has evolved because we're hard-wired to form tribalistic religions."

The whiny kids tended to grow up conservative, and turned into rigid young adults who hewed closely to traditional gender roles and were uncomfortable with ambiguity. The confident kids turned out liberal and were still hanging loose, turning into bright, non-conforming adults with wide interests. The girls were still outgoing, but the young men tended to turn a little introspective.

So, I've got to confess, I've been a little distracted for the past week and a half because I broke my closet.

This has happened to me twice before. Once, when I was living in a crappy old apartment in Gainesville, Florida. But that wasn't because of the volume of my wardrobe -- I was in law school at the time, so pretty much all I wore were t-shirts and jeans -- it was because the apartment was ancient and falling apart. In fact, the apartment burned down a couple of months after I moved out.

The second time was in the current apartment, less than a year ago. I thought they had fixed the problem. Apparently, I was wrong.

It seems that, about two weeks ago, the weight of my clothes -- as well as accessories and handbags -- finally tore the shelf out of the drywall. I noticed that the shelf looked funny sometime that Thursday night, but there was nothing I could really do about it, and I didn't really get a chance to look at it until the next evening. By that time, it was a lost cause, and all I could do was take down all my clothing -- making strategic piles around my apartment, primarily on the kitchen table -- and call maintenance. I then spent part of last weekend rushing around to places like Bed Bath and Beyond to find alternative storage solutions.

When I explained the situation to my dad, the conversation was something like, "Well, how did it happen?" "Rampant consumerism." "What?" "I shop too much, Daddy." "Well, maybe you should stop that."

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Simplify. Whatever.

After patching the drywall and replacing the shelf, the closet was finally finished on Tuesday evening. The maintenance guy left me a sweet little note saying that it will likely happen again if the weight exceeds 30 to 40 pounds. (I meant to scan it and post it, like the mouse note, but I think I threw it out.)

My reaction to that, as expected was "Well,that's great and all, but what the heck am I supposed to do with the other 75 percent of my wardrobe?"

I began to tentatively hang my clothes in the closet, waiting for it to fall apart again. And, for the record, I managed to donate three full trash bags of old clothes to charity. I finished hanging up everything I'm keeping by late Thursday night, but, as it stands now, there's no room for any other single item of clothing.

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you.Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible.While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks.Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

So I had a weird thing happen to me at work today. I passed out. Or as the folks that know stuff about medicine would say, I experienced "vasovagal syncope."

I was sitting on the floor, searching through a box of documents, and somehow managed to cut my finger on the cardboard. (It was pretty painful, but essentially just a paper cut. The shocking thing is that this did not happen while I was carelessly opening the box with scissors.) I vaguely remember starting to feel dizzy, and the next thing I knew, I found myself slumped over against my book case, in a cold sweat and feeling as if I was numb.

I have passed out before. Usually in doctors' offices after they've given me a shot. Once, it was enough that I was taken to the emergency room and put on intravenous fluids. This was the first time that I've ever done it when there was nobody around.

So, once I regained consciousness, I decided to call my mother, since she would know what to do. But it took her over 6 hours to call me back. So, instead, I just decided to just go back to work.

Calvin & Hobbes, like a scruffy yin and yang, are in perfect balance within you. Like Calvin, you're weird, a bit insecure, and can be a trouble-maker. But like Hobbes, you're down to earth and sensitive. It's a risk to say it here, after just a ten question test, but I'll bet you're smarter than most. Both Calvin and Hobbes are crafty, clever characters, and any one made from equal parts of each is a force to be reckoned with.

Friday, March 17, 2006

You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented. Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader. You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do. You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

You are the Smartass! You are rational, extroverted, brutal, and arrogant. You probably consider people who are emotional and gentle to be big pussies who are obviously in lesser stature than you. You have many flaws, despite your seeming intelligence and cool-headedness. For instance, you aren't very nice. In fact, you're probably an asshole. And you are conceited and self-centered. Not only that, but you are very loud and vocal about all this, seeing as how you are extroverted. There is no better way to describe you than as a "smartass", I'm afraid. Perhaps just "ass" would do, too. But that's a little less literary and descriptive. At any rate, your main personality defect is the fact that you are self-centered, mean, uncaring, and brutally logical.

To put it less negatively:1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

Update: I finally got the pictures that my friend took with her cell phone at the event. Note that, other than Rob Corddry, we have no idea of the identities of the other folks in the pictures. Here they are anyway:

Thursday, March 16, 2006

You're the perfect combo of simplicity and divinityThose who like you life for understated pleasures Yeah, right.

That same day, apparently we also missed the off-color holiday of Steak and BJ Day, the purported male response to Valentine's day. I thought this was a myth, but if it's on the internet it has to be real, right?

And finally, yesterday was the Ides of March. If your name is Caesar, someone should have warned you ahead of time.

Awesome...you are one of my personal favs: Cherry Garcia. You fall in the middle on all measurements- sweet, wild, and unique, but not overwhelmingly so on any of those. You make a good friend, able to share your unique perspectives on things, and able to have fun without winding up in jail or something. Good job.

"By the way, check out this executive suite: an incompetent and petulant president who constantly shifts blame to others, and a hawkish vice president willing to run roughshod over Congress to declare martial law. Where do these writers get their ideas?"

And while you're at it, you should read last week's clever column on gmail. As an occasional gmail user, I have to say that the ads can be pretty funny. Like when you go into your spam folder and find links to recipes.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

For the past several years, I've been trying to complete the Modern Library's list of the 100 best novels of the 20th Century. But I keep getting distracted by new books, which slows me down considerably. Originally, my plan was to complete the list before I turned 30, but hey, I missed that deadline. Still, I'm about 40% finished, which is not too shabby.

This is when being a lawyer is fun. The Court denies the motion as incomprehensible, and in a footnote, states:

Or, in the words of the competition judge to Adam Sandler’s title character in the movie, “Billy Madison,” after Billy Madison had responded to a question with an answer that sounded superficially reasonable but lacked any substance,

Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Deciphering motions like the one presented here wastes valuable chamber staff time, and invites this sort of footnote.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Of the three runway shows, Chloe's collection was definitely the most beautiful and sophisticated -- and had the most continuity -- but I couldn't help thinking that, while Daniel's line was less glamorous, it showed much more versatility and ingenuity. Plus, he even designed his own handbags! Throughout the show, he and Nick were my favorites.

Santino used some beautiful fabrics, but I agreed with the judges that it was uncharacteristically sedate and that nothing seemed to fit exactly right.

Bethesda, Md.: Gene- I meant to ask this question last week and then missed the chat. Hopefully it's not too late. I just wanted to get your opinion of the George Will piece from two weeks ago where he made the claim that conservatives have happier lives than liberals. Being that you're an avowed liberal and many would consider humor an important part of happiness, I figured your thoughts might be interesting. My opinion? I think Will could have had a three word column on this one -- "Ignorance is bliss." washingtonpost.com: Smile if (and Only if) You're Conservative , ( Post, Feb. 23 )

Gene Weingarten: I think he was right, though I wouldn't have quite as smug about it as he was. I think it is easier to be a conservative. You do not have to think as much, beause issues are more black and white. That delivers a sense of general contentment, because the world seems more orderly. I think there are very intelligent, deep-thinking conservatives, but I also think it is easier for a dumb, incurious, narrowminded person to be a conservative than to be a liberal.

Actually, I had a dog in law school -- her name was Hailee -- that ate a hole in my bathroom lineoleum, a Soul Asylum CD, and a bowl of Easter candy. She didn't bark, though -- so things could have been worse.