My Teenage Daughter Hates Me — Send Help!

Raising a teen or tween can be trying at times, but there’s little
that can feel more soul-crushing than thinking, "my teenage
daughter hates me." This is the kid you’ve made every kind of
sacrifice for, the one you’ve shaped your life around, the one you
cherish more than you ever thought it was possible to love another
human being. And this is what you get in return?

It might feel like the absolute worst, but before you flat-out
decide you’ve failed as a parent (spoiler alert: you haven’t!), it’s
worth noting that hearing your girl say she hates you can be a sign
that you’re doing something right. “It’s easy to forget, but
growing up isn’t exactly easy,” says Girl Scouts’ Developmental
Psychologist, Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald. “Your daughter is dealing
with uneven social dynamics, changing hormones, and trying to make
sense of who she is in our imperfect world. It’s only normal that she
might feel annoyed or angry sometimes, as we all probably did at this
stage of the game!” Add to that since adolescents are still developing
on an emotional level, most of their feelings are of the extreme
variety. “Almost everything is black and white,” says Dr. Bastiani
Archibald. “They love things. They hate things. Teenagers have never
exactly been known for their nuance or ability to temper their feelings.”

But why is all of this venom being directed at you, and how
on earth is this a good thing, you might ask? “People often
take out life’s frustrations on the people they feel safest with—the
ones they know will stick with them and support them even if they do
act out every now and then,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “And while
friends at this age can be fickle, you’ve always been there for
her—despite a disagreement or temper tantrum here and
there. Whether she realizes it or not, she trusts that you won’t
disappear on her if she lets some of this frustration out on you.” In
other words, when she says she hates you, she’s also saying
you’ve made her feel secure enough and have given her a safe space of
sorts to release some of the pressure she’s been feeling.

So, yes. Even though it’s really crummy and painful to hear think
your teenage daughter hates you, you should take it for what it most
likely is—normal, and not entirely about you. Phew.

That said, her frustration probably is related to about you
on some level, so take a minute and think about why that could
be. “When she was little, you were her whole world,” says
Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “but adolescence is a time of big changes,
experimentation, and branching out. It’s common to feel a little hurt
by any distance your child is creating as she makes new friends and
explores life’s possibilities, and it’s also common for parents to
want to shield their children from making what they see as mistakes.
Whether you mean it that way or not, this can come across as limiting
or controlling to your child, and can lead to feelings of
resentment as she tries to spread her wings.”

One thing that can help with this is to calmly (and with an open
mind!) discuss conflicts with your daughter as they arise. Listen to
her point of view and explain yours as well, rather than just saying,
“no,” or “because I’m the parent.” Hearing her out, respecting her
point of view, and being flexible when you can, will go a long way
in calming what could otherwise be a heated situation.

“As much as you want to keep her from decisions she might regret
later on, it’s actually important to let your girl make many of her
own decisions, take some risks and even make a few mistakes here and
there,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. You might not like the band she’s
spending all her allowance money to go see—and know she’ll be upset
when she’s out of cash next week—or have mixed feelings about the
haircut she wants to get, but those things won’t really matter in the
long run. What will matter is that she feels heard, respected,
and supported by her parents as she grows into her own person with her
own interests, passions, and opinions.

“Keeping an open dialogue and letting her know that you really are
considering her wants and needs will help you out a lot when it comes
to issues that may put her health or safety at risk,” says
Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “It’s really a matter of choosing your
battles. If you show flexibility and understanding when you can,
she’ll be more likely to understand when you can’t, and understand
that you’re not trying to punish her by setting certain rules.”

The bottom line is that even if your daughter says she hates you
(and maybe she thinks in the moment that she does), what she’s
probably really saying is that that growing up can be kind of rough.
So take a deep breath, try to remember your own teen years, and
remember that this, too, shall pass.