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Thanks for reading. The gist was that she was thinking about an abortion she'd had in the past. I tried to subtly get that across through the dialogue and her vision. We'll see what others think before I term it a success or failure.

Italics may have been overly done. I normally use it to denote screaming, as well as emphasis.

As for the lack of articles I was fooling with a different type of style. Again, maybe or maybe not. We'll have to see. My initial take is it probably won't work because its not really me.

Dave makes some valid points but I wasn't half as disconcerted as he was with the style you've adopted here. Some of it could definitely be made a little more clear and a few of the fragments perhaps be a little less fragmented. And, I did think some of the 'italics' were not Maggie's words.

As for story - I really enjoyed the vibe of the whole thing but I don't think there's enough story.

You mentioned she's mourning/regretting an abortion years earlier - I actually thought her living child/baby had died.

If I could suggest one thing it's to not take the shortcut and rather clichéd route you do with the 'Hush, Little Baby - lullaby quote - boy, they must be raking in the residuals for that one - least they'd want to be. Sorry, it's just I for one am really 'over' that being quoted in a lot of scripts where there are, in particular, dead babies involved in the storyline. Go for something original - even make up your own.

Also, 'short shorts' are great but I'd spin this out more and give us more insight into Maggie's life - at the moment it's a bit too obscure/hidden in style. Give us more without giving us too much if you get my 'drift' - pun there.

Having said all that I still really enjoyed this and was invested in the ride. It's got a great feel to it. You also sucked me in with the end - has the MAN seen her, or is he headed in the opposite direction - that pulled at the heart strings.

COUPLE OF TYPOS: she lays ( should be lies) back p3The the sun bleeds p3 - double word.

A very interesting tale, powerful and atmospheric. I have to agree with LC, there’s not enough story. It reads like a single scene or the first stab at an idea. I worked out the gist of what was going on but it felt rushed.

The lack of articles didn’t distract me as this was the only character. I realise if you repeated she or Maggie all the time this may have become even more distracting.

The italics…hmm. From my own limited experience and the screenwriting books I’ve read, actors don’t appreciate screenwriters telling them how to deliver their lines or how to act.

I would urge you to keep going with this one and flesh it out, it shows a lot of potential.

-Mark

For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

Thanks for reading. The gist was that she was thinking about an abortion she'd had in the past. I tried to subtly get that across through the dialogue and her vision. We'll see what others think before I term it a success or failure.

Italics may have been overly done. I normally use it to denote screaming, as well as emphasis.

As for the lack of articles I was fooling with a different type of style. Again, maybe or maybe not. We'll have to see. My initial take is it probably won't work because its not really me.

Thanks for your insight. This was something I wrote at work so it's not something that was overly thought out. Best I could do at work though. As far as lack of story I was trying to come up with something really short and in retrospect I feel this does miss the mark. I never like to give the gist away entirely, but in most cases some clarity can be helpful.

Funny. Was watching Night At The Museum last night and in one scene Ben Stiller was singing the "Hush little baby" song to Atilla The Hun, but he was singing it in gibberish, which is in keeping with what you mentioned about switching it up.

I never thought of the man in the boat NOT saving her, but I suppose the way it's written I left it open for interpretation. Wasn't intentional.

Re: story and structure... While I'm sure it'll be contentious one way or other, I think you need to clarify the theme on this more. If I hadn't seen the earlier comments on this thread, I wouldn't have totally gotten it. (Sure, I personally question whether Maggie would be so haunted - but that's an artistic decision that's up to you and the character.) Also, I'm not quite understanding what happens at the end, regarding the man and the fishing boat. More clarification would be helpful there, as well.

I read this the other day but couldn't comment at the time. From memory...

Title - love it

Set up - like it, nice and tight

Mood - yeah, got real potential

Story/plot etc - needs some work. Subtle is good, mystery is fine...but all within reason. When I look back at those that capture the imagination, to me it seems that the topic was clear, but the outcome wasn't. In effect one part was clear.

Keep going at this one. Sometimes we write a script and the old phrase 'trying to polish a turd' comes to mind. You just know it ain't going to be good.

Yeah, italics bothered a me a little too. This one was kinda quick and thrown together, so that might not have been the best choice. A little overkill, perhaps. But I'm glad it worked on a certain level for you.

Richard,

Thanks. I'll think on the fisherman's backstory. That's a good idea.

Janet,

Thanks. Duly noted. Seems the concensus agrees thus need more than just three pages.

Bill,

Thanks for reading. Will definitely revisit this as time allows. Sometimes it's better to sit on things for a while then look with a fresh pair of eyes. Appreciate it.

**note**

A middle school teacher used this script in her class of 8th graders as a comparison piece to a novel they're reading, Tears of A Tiger. Both stories have similar themes of loss and guilt. So, in effect, this little short was required reading for a certain Texas middle school. Teacher contacted me and said it went over extremely well with the students. Picking it apart, they found the thread that binds the two tales together, as well as analyzing the metaphors and what they represent -- the soda bottle, the sun bleeding red across the water, etc.