Friday, June 6, 2008

Chapter One

Now that I stand at the crossroads trying to take a decision as to how I should carry on with my life I cant help going down memory lane trying to analyse what actually went wrong. What has led me to this stage .a stage that I never wanted. A situation that I never dreamt of in my wildest dreams. I have tried to work hard for this relationship; I have invested heavily in terms of emotions so that I could keep it alive under all circumstances. Now I feel the very reason why it is falling apart is the way and the intensity with which I wanted to keep it alive. I had no reasons penning these thoughts down. But I have been going over and over all these thoughts for so long that I don’t think I can get rid of the negativity that it instills unless I pen it down. Secondly if I need to take a decision detriment to the interests of my kids, I want them to read it someday and understand their mother and forgive her. Finally all my life I had been trying to prove my parents wrong about the decision that I had taken in my life. I finally want to admit my mistakes to them. They were always right and I was always wrong.

Now the question is where I start from. Do I start from the day I married him or should I go back further as long as my senses carry me. Well I guess I will go back a bit to the period before I met him. I was the eldest daughter of my parents. My father doted on me. Being the first born I was showered with all that they could give me in every term. On the arrival of my two siblings I could feel that attention trickling down. I was expected to make all the sacrifices. I was expected to make all the compromises. I loathed finding myself last in priority. I went through that sense of deprivation that every first child goes through. Now being a parent myself I realize that this is just a natural process and it helped me be a better human being. but apart from making me a good human being did this actually have a role in making my life what it is now…I don’t really know. Let me work on it and find out. I know my father as a very intelligent man. A man whom I always found buried in books. All the intelligent talks and discussions that he had with us still have its effect on my psyche. But like everything else there was a negative angle to it too. He could never become what he deserved to be in life. Why is a question that only he can answer? I do not want to delve on it. What I am concerned with here is the out come of the frustration of failure in his life. For as far as I can remember I have always found him to be a hardcore alcoholic. During the day he was the legendary DR Jekyll , a wonderful human being and at night he was the hideous Mr. Hyde, the role that I hate to comprehend even today. The humiliation that this brought into me was something unbearable to think of even today. Day by day this situation worsened. He would be drunk and irresponsible and my poor mother would struggle making both ends meet, giving us a decent education and healthy food. The only luxury that we could afford during those days. as I was growing up this frustration kept on increasing and I wanted to run away from this situation somehow or the other. I was around 18 and it was around this time that ricku came into my life. His kind talks would give me a breather. Slowly I found him to be a very caring person and fell in love with him. My life and world started revolving around him when he told me that he shared similar feelings. I was so blinded with these beautiful feelings that I overlooked all the other anomalies that lied between us. That other than youth there was nothing in common between us. I was so charmed with his persona and all that he told me about himself and his family, that I kept myself blinded from any other negative aspect that would creep in about him. In him I had found a perfect route of escape from the terrible situation that prevailed at home.

He had told me that he was doing his graduation in biology he would even bring me notes to help me in my assignments as I was doing my honors degree. he convinced me that he would try to get a commission once he completed his graduation. Being convinced on that I took up a job as a clerk in the bank in spite of the fact that I had topped my university in the first year. I needed the job to be away from the family so that I could marry him. baba was dead against this relationship and wouldn’t let this happen as long as I was staying home. one day he said that he would ask his brother who was an army officer posted in shillong to come over and talk to my father to convince him about our alliance. I was sort of shocked because he had told me that he had only one brother who was an IPS officer. But I did not care…….any negativity was blocked. the outcome of that meeting was a failure so he convinced me into getting married in court as he was to be transferred soon. I agreed keeping myself blinded to the humiliation it would bring to my parents. I was madly in love…..or so I thought.

The first setback that I received was during the first night that we got to live together under the same roof. He told me that he had a brief affair with a married woman and that the daughter that she had was actually his. I felt my world coming down like a pack of cards. I was shattered but I never showed. I never asked him who that woman was or who his daughter was. Whether it was true or another of his many lies. The next shock was when he took me home. He had told me that he belonged to a rich family and that he had joined as an airman just to get away from his Hitler father. One look at his home gave me the right picture. Even the house that his family lived in was not theirs but his uncle’s. Then came his sisters. According to him he had only one sister the others were his cousins whom his kind and generous parents had offered to bring up, as their own parents were very poor. I had a bad time trying to figure out who the real one was and who were the cousins, till it finally dawned that they were all his real ones. Now it was difficult for me to comprehend as to why he had lied to me about all this. I had not married him for his riches I loved him and that would not be affected with the number of his siblings in any case. I did not know what to do and what all I had in store. How could I live with a relationship that was based on worthless lies. But I knew it was too late to react. It was of no use carrying on with the bitterness was married to him. It was a sacred bonding which had to be respected. I had opened that door at my own choice shutting down the other. And I still felt his love for me. So I decided that the best thing would be to forget and make the best of what was at my disposal. Then came another shock. He wanted me to take my transfer to where his parents lived and not where he lived. His reasons-my job was more stable than his and that his parents needed me. I tried to convince him that I could get myself transferred to wherever he went. But he insisted. What I could not tell him was that I had married him to be with him and not his parents. It was only later that I realized that he wanted to enjoy both the luxury of a vacation wife and that of a free life which would be hampered by my presence.

And this is how my married life started. Alone at his parents house. Not even his parents house. The house that belonged to his uncle who would ask everybody including me to be out at the drop of a hat. The taunts his sisters inflicted about the great deed they had done of bringing me in without a dowry. That I was sending my salary home to feed my poor parents. There are n number of incidences that I would not like to mention , not that I remember all of them either. But i blocked all the humiliation and all that he had done to me. Kept quite and Clung on to the weak threads of love that I was still a fool enough to imagine existed and carried on. Trying to become an epitome of sacrifice. The best wife and daughter in law they could think of. Never looking into my own needs. Shouldering responsibilities he was supposed to take. Fulfilling his needs when he was supposed to fulfill mine. Just on one dream. He would soon work for his commission and I would leave my job and join him.......... This was never to happen.