13 Signs You Have a Victim Mentality

Posted by Dragana Kovacevic on May 4, 2020

Sure, we’ve all had bouts of unrepentant navel-gazing, and feeling sorry for ourselves at some time or another. But what if this temporary phase turns into our de facto state? Having a victim mentality is not only harmful to your relationships, it can also hold you back from living your best life. Here’s how to tell if you’ve adopted a victim mentality and what to do about it.

DISCLOSURE: This advice is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a qualified healthcare practitioner, or to address victims of trauma. Always seek medical advice that is specific to you and your situation.

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Root causes

There are many reasons why a person can develop a victim mentality, including codependent attachments (otherwise known as anxious attachment style), as well as using victim mentality as a tool of manipulation (even unintentionally).

Whatever the reason, a victim mentality is ultimately self-limiting and it stands in the way of your moving forward towards self-actualization – your optimal self.

Worth noting here, however, is that there is a difference between having a victim mentality and the victim complex. The former is a lot more common, while the latter is more pathological.

Everything is beyond your control

In such a climate, it’s easy to feel powerless and like blame lies elsewhere, outside your realm of control. This lack of agency can easily lead to avoiding responsibility or ownership of the aspects of your life you do have control over (however limited they may be).

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You give up easily

You often ask: Why bother trying when it will lead to disappointment anyway? Even when you do make some effort, it easily dwindles.

You are frequently passive

Similarly, you often defer to others deciding for you...You tend towards drifting along, and letting things happen to you rather than actively planning your next steps. This can lead to a lack of boundaries, and feeling overstretched and resentful.

You think others are trying to hurt you on purpose

You are frequently on the defensive and feel that others are out to get you. You aren’t prone to giving your friends and family the benefit of doubt and feel that others are always being unfair to you in some way.

You feel targeted

Not only are others mistreating you, but they are intentionally seeking YOU out, specifically. Others are spared this singling out, and this is why nobody can truly understand what you’re going through.

You tend towards unhealthy coping mechanisms

You beat yourself up afterwards

This only continues the self-perpetuating cycle of diminishing your confidence and sense of self-worth, leading you back to the path where you don’t feel you can do anything to change this unhappy loop of circumstance.

What you can do

If you haven’t sought treatment for past trauma, this is the best place to start.
Recognize that whatever led you to hold on to this mindset in the past, it isn’t serving you in the present, and you do have the capacity to change your outlook for the future.

Work on self-compassion and spend some time thinking about your needs and goals, as well as what concrete steps you would need to take to achieve them (be detailed). Explore reasons for why you feel powerless, and take time to practice gratitude regularly. Even if you are in difficult circumstances now, consider which aspects of your life you do have control over, and start by taking ownership of your choices there, however small they may seem. This is an effective way to boost self-confidence and to put yourself on a more fulfilling path forward.