Posts Tagged ‘alligator’

When the Pope said he was resigning, I was pretty confused because I didn’t know the Pope could do that. They go through all that trouble and pomp to give you a position that grants you infallibility and moral authority, and now it turns out it’s like any other job where you can quit when you feel like it? That’s some bullshit. I’m supposed to kiss this guy’s papal ass when he can just retire like my grandpa did from his long-held position at the fucking shoe store?

Then it occurred to me that it’s kind of fucked up that God would choose you as the Pope and then make you unable to do your job. And if God didn’t do that to the Pope then the Almighty dropped the damn ball – and dropped it hard – on protecting his top representative on his planet. Or the cardinals cocked up selecting you to lead the Church, in that case it’s still God’s fault for not making his will clearly known to the people who represent his holy will.

Really, they’re just making shit up.

And the newest exhibit to back up that assertion was found on the Facebooks recently. This letter from the Archdiocese of New Orleans regarding whether you can eat alligator during Lent:

“alligator is considered in the fish family”

Look, we already know the Church will totally ditch the entire “no meat on Fridays” deal for a bitching party, but you can’t go calling an alligator a fish. If you called an alligator a fish in your kindergarten class, you would not get a gold star that day. You would not even get a silver star. You would not get a happy face sticker either. Fuck, I wouldn’t even give you a juice box either because I’d be afraid you’d hurt yourself with the straw. Put on your helmet and try not to eat all of the glue.

“alligator is considered in the fish family”

But this is Louisiana, where gator is good eatin’, and that’s fine. But if you want to sell me on the idea of the Lenten season being one of solemn sacrifice, you can’t make outrageous loopholes for its most basic rules, especially ones that completely ignore established biology. I know the Church ain’t too big on science, but now we’re getting into “There are four lights” territory here. No wonder most members of the Catholic Church use birth control despite the Church’s negative position on it. You have ranking members of its hierarchy thinking reptiles are fish.

Reptiles are fish, sure! Women should have autonomy over their reproductive organs? FUCK NO! You broads can’t even become priests! Go sit in the convent and hang back while the men make the important decisions for the Church, like what is a fish. Shit, it’s like you’re not even trying to hide that you’re just making shit up, like you’re saying it’s not worth the effort to try and trick people anymore. Forget justifying our archaic stances with two millenia of doctrines, scripture, and theological debate – we’re just going to do a bunch of arbitrary shit now.

This has lodged in my brain because it’s a much easier thing to wrap my head around than institutionalized concealment of decades of child molestations. The callousness and detachment by Church officials to cover up child molestations takes a lot of effort to imagine and comprehend, let alone to begin to fathom all of the resources put to work to hide these deeds. But alligator is a fish – that’s an easier devil to understand because it’s just fucking retarded. It’s like this archbishop decided to give up knowing what shit is called for Lent.

I’m going to eat a Baconator on Ash Wednesday, and it’s going to be delicious. And Lent is bullshit.