Trust me, I wish I could take credit for this. But then again, I haven’t been to Starkghanistan and never wish to, either. Also, this girl is funnier than me. And when I say funnier, I mean more obvious. Livestock jokes just aren’t my thing. I leave that kind of “funny” to fake Sean Connery on SNL Celebrity Jeopardy.

Another popular parking lot activity is a game that involves spitting Skoal juice on another’s boots. (The rules are confusing, so most visitors are better off remaining spectators rather than participants.)

On game day, MSU faithful load up their tractors and pour into town with barefoot farm children in tow to welcome the opposing fans into its state-of-the-art stadium, which seats a record-breaking 4,000 spectators.

(Fun fact: the stadium doubles as a cow pasture in the off-season.)

The MSU fans are so enamored with their Bulldogs that they feel the need to entertain using the regional musical instrument of choice: the cowbell.

The Bulldog men remove the cowbells from their wives’ necks, and a beautiful symphony of “tink-a-link-a-link, GO DAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWGGGS!” ensues.

The game itself begins with a rousing pre-game performance from the MSU marching band.

The band walks across the field at various tempos to the MSU fight song played in various keys, while fans politely clap at whatever pace they feel appropriate.

The band’s greatest contribution to the game is the “Go State” cheer, which grows exponentially more out of tune every time they perform it.

If MSU happens to score a touchdown, authentic confederate soldiers fire a cannon.

In the fourth quarter, the football players perform a beautiful interpretive dance to Baja Men’s “Who let the Dogs Out.”

If the Bulldogs win, MSU fans show good sportsmanship by performing their cowbell symphony at a greater volume in the faces of opposing fans.

If the DAWGS lose, the MSU fans perform the same ritual followed by a “Next year, we’re gonna stomp ‘em!” chant.

So, Tiger fans, that’s what awaits you in Starkville, a beautiful city full of beautiful people.