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The Life-Changing Magic of Clicking a Digital Candle

When lighting that first candle, I put my gratefulness glasses on and wrote a dedication to my friend. In doing so, I saw so clearly how she is a tremendous gift to me.

Here in our Stories of Grateful Living, we honor the voices of our community as we invite people to share their personal experiences with gratefulness. Join us in appreciating the explorations, reflections, and insights of fellow community members as we collectively learn what it means to live gratefully.

Kat’s Story

Since our cave-dwelling ancestors discovered it, fire has been seen as purifying, destructive, illuminating, searing, and transforming whatever it touches.

Can a digital flame have the same effect?

An unlit candle on gratefulness.org’s “Light a Candle” feature.

When I first visited gratefulness.org and saw the “Light a Candle” feature, I was warmed by it but also skeptical — how could clicking a photo of an unlit candle, which in turn becomes a video of a lit candle… do anything? And yet, thousands of people take part on the site every day.

Soon after, I was given an opportunity to explore it myself. I could not stop having judgmental thoughts about a friend. The thoughts might have looped endlessly on a well-worn synaptic pathway of my brain, chipping away at my joyful spirit, if not for gratefulness. In a flash of insight, I wondered, “What if at the end of each day, I dedicate a candle to my biggest frustration?” It was worth a try.

As a career coach for creatives, I’ve learned that constraints are essential. They are the wooden pen around the wide, green pasture that makes playtime more generative. Constraints create tension and something to dance with and bump up against. There are two constraints of “Light a Candle”:

Impermanence: Your candle burns for two days.

The candle visually “burns down” for two days and then is gone. When I lit my first candle as a way of working through the judgmental thoughts I was having about my friend, I set the intention of letting it burn for me so that my insides could be spared. I noticed that once the candle disappeared from the site, so had a lot of my frustration, irritation, and impatience. The energy I’d had toward that person had shifted to something more spacious, compassionate, and loving. I appreciated allowing some other mysterious force to chew on it while I focused on what actually matters to me.

Intentionality: You may write a dedication.

The dedication box offered as part of the “Light a Candle” process is more than a function of the website — it is a gentle nudge to be mindful with the ritual.

When lighting that first candle, I put my gratefulness glasses on and wrote a dedication to my friend. In doing so, I saw so clearly how she is a tremendous gift to me. My brain was parked in front of the gift of her existence rather than my amygdala’s overactive negativity bias. It worked faithfully to look for all the ways she is dear to me. Suddenly, my judgmental thoughts began to fizzle and dissolve into gratefulness like Alka-Seltzer in a glass. Writing a dedication to the emotion was a way for me to honor it and help transform it, similar to how coal can become a diamond with enough pressure.

The best part

The act of lighting a digital candle, which I raised an eyebrow to at first, has fundamentally shifted the way I look at tension in my life.

I now welcome my next frustration so that I can light a candle in its honor. My day has become a treasure hunt for my irritations, anger, upsets, indignations, and pettiness! It is so satisfying to take these upsets and partake in a healing ritual that helps transform the feelings.

The act of lighting a digital candle, which I raised an eyebrow to at first, has fundamentally shifted the way I look at tension in my life. There is so much spiritual heavy-lifting that happens in one simple action: First, I cultivate awareness by pausing and noticing my state of being and feeling. Second, my brain collects evidence for why I appreciate the frustration. Third, my entire view shifts. Fourth, gratefulness fills my heart in writing a love letter as part of the candle dedication, which changes everything.

Before, I would quickly take opportunities to glow with anger or avoidance. Now, I opt for lighting a candle on gratefulness.org and grow instead.

Kat Koh is a coach for creatives, community lover/builder, and writer. Her gratitude practice on gratefulness.org includes a journal entry, answering the daily question, and lighting a candle. She lives in San Francisco and works with clients in the U.S. and internationally. To learn more about Kat, visit Katkoh.com.

We invite you to share a story about yourself or another person, reflecting on the question: “How has gratefulness shifted a moment, an experience, or a lifetime?”

Dear Kat, thank-you for sharing your experience with lighting the digital candle! The beautiful intention you put out into the universe with the judgmental thoughts you were having about your friend when lighting the candle, made me think of this line from a prayer by Marianne Williamson, “May I see the love and innocence in all mankind, behind the masks we all wear and the illusions of this worldly plane”. Blessings to you, Kat.🌻

Thank you for reading, Sheila! That’s a beautiful quote, and exactly appropriate! You have helped me reconnect with the ever-helpful idea that there are so many layers of masks and illusions that, if we so feel called, we can cut through to get to the love.

Hi Kat, thank you for sharing so openly, it’s inspiring. For me to fully appreciate your story, I would like to understand why you call someone, for whom you have so many troubled thoughts and thought patterns, a friend? Would you please help me to understand?

Hi Verena! Truly, thank you for asking this question.
The troubled thoughts and thought patterns you referred to are simply a reflection of my mind, not my friend. Sometimes I have wholly unhelpful thoughts about people and things, can you relate?
Although she doesn't intentionally do this, my friend helps me see the ways my negative thinking can be a waste of my energies, so that I may transform it into something of beauty (like this practice that she inspired for me). I hope this helps...

Hi Verena! Truly, thank you for asking this question.

The troubled thoughts and thought patterns you referred to are simply a reflection of my mind, not my friend. Sometimes I have wholly unhelpful thoughts about people and things, can you relate?

Although she doesn’t intentionally do this, my friend helps me see the ways my negative thinking can be a waste of my energies, so that I may transform it into something of beauty (like this practice that she inspired for me). I hope this helps clarify.