Futfanatico: Rafa Benitez Files for Divorce, Blames Everyone but Himself

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

We are sad to report that Rafa Benitez today filed suit for legal dissolution from his current wife. Despite the cultural and legal impetus to remain linked with his lady love, Rafa’s divorce petition outlined a series of grievances that rendered the situation untenable. And they shouldn’t surprise you.

First, Rafa made several complaints about the quaaality of the Benitez family. Rafa spoke poorly of his stepson, Zavier Janetti, claiming he was “past his prime” and should have been kicked out of the familial home decades ago. Rafa noted that Zavier was a”leftover” from his wife’s previous marriage, and he himself had had no role in the initial acquisition. While some media criticized Rafa for failing to motivate Zavier, the Spaniard dismissed such claims as nonsensical. “Zavier does not follow orders – I tell him to play right back, he drifts center. I tell him to play midfield, and he drifts right. And he dropped out of community college after only one semester. Guess who paid that tuition?”

Rafa then placed his soon-to-be ex-wife under the cross hairs. He accused his her of both failing to financially support his ambitions and also misspending a dime or two. His wife has since responded that Rafa’s preference for indirect media criticisms and nonsensical metaphors over direct conversation pushed her to the edge.

She also noted that Rafa was responsible for hiring the family’s overpaid and under performing chauffeur Brian Rabble. Rabble repeatedly frustrated the former Mrs Benitez by either driving down blind alleys or slamming wildly into a wall, yet Rafa countered “If there is a chaffeur in a car, it is a milk float”.

Both parents have further pledged to fight tooth-and-nail for custody of their adorable Nino Torres, last seen hoisting his bindle to seek fame and fortune on the streets of London. However, at least the warring couple have agreed on spousal support. In fact, reports indicated that Rafa was paid pre-divorce spousal support and paid to actually file the petition, two firsts in the history of the legal profession. When questioned about this unusual twist, counsel for Rafa’s wife stated: “When you have cancer, you don’t pinch pennies on chemo.”