Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
1657

God Will Take Care Of Me
There was a very religious man named Jim who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.
Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."
So the man in the boat drove off.
The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. Then, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.
Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."
So the person in the boat left.
The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim said, "That's okay."
The woman said, "Are you sure?"
Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure. God will take care of me."
Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and stood face-to-face with God.
Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you expect?" Carl C.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
1658

7 Things That Suck About Being A Guy1- The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
2- External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
3- Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
4- Ribbed for her pleasure -- not yours.
5- You have to wear ties.
6- You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
7- "Women and children first." Niel H.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
1659

The Trainee
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the kitchen and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responds, "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replies the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who you are talking to, you fool?!"
"No," replies the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replies the trainee, and puts down the phone. Sam B.

Thursday

Joke
N°
1660

Top 10 Funny Store Signs1. Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2. Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3. On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."
4. In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes... Sit! Stay!"
5. At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
6. On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7. In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8. Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9. In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
10. In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. Jamie M.

Friday

Joke
N°
1661

20 Reasons Why It's Good To Be A Guy1- Movie nudity is virtually always female.
2- Women's bathroom lines are 80% longer.
3- When clicking through TV channels, you don't have to stop at every sight of somebody crying.
4- All your orgasms are real.
5- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
6- Your last name stays put.
7- You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
8- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
9- Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
10- Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
11- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
12- You don't have to shave below your neck.
13- If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
14- You can write your name in the snow.
15- Flowers fix everything.
16- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
17- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
18- Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
19- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
20- You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. Frank M.

Saturday

Joke
N°
1662

Baseball In Heaven
Two buddies named Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games per year and they even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night." George D.

Sunday

Joke
N°
1663

Area 51
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you did not see a base" briefing complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was "that-a-way" on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the security guards surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" Troy V.