May 7, 2008

"Head of 'Polyamory' Group Discusses Multiple Partners"

Hartford Courant

Robyn Trask, director of Loving More, gets interviewed about how she originally found her way into a poly life.

...While polygamy involves having more than one spouse, Trask's group, which has 1,500 active members, including some in Connecticut, supports polyamory: having multiple loves of either sex with or without marriage.

...Trask herself has practiced polyamory for 18 years and has three children. She has one primary relationship now with a man in Colorado and secondary relationships with a man in New York and another in Hong Kong, each of whom have relationships with others.

Q: So how did you become polyamorous?

A: I was 23 or 24 when I really came to acknowledge that I wasn't a monogamous person.... I always thought that monogamy was what I had to do. I tried to, but I didn't do it very well. I always fell in love with more than one person.

Finally, I came to terms with it. I wasn't monogamous. I wasn't going to be.... I didn't want to lie anymore. That's how I came to polyamory myself. I didn't have a term for it; I didn't have a community; I didn't know there was any help.

...Q: Did you ever worry about spreading disease?

A: People in the community are extremely conscientious about being safe and careful and practicing safe sex.

...Q: How do polyamorists deal with jealousy?

A: Very carefully. The truth is that one of the things that we try to teach people is that jealousy is not this big monster. It really is just another emotion. It's usually about ourselves, about our own insecurities. It can be a good teacher for us. It's about our fear: I'm going to lose this person. What happens if I do? Will I be OK?

Or it can be envy. Envy is my big issue. I don't want to be left out. When my partner goes out on a hot date, I make sure I have something to do because it helps me. I don't have a problem with it at all if I have something else to do....

...How disappointing that Ms. Trask dealt with her failed efforts to be monogamous in past relationships by "coming to terms with it" and embracing polyamory. Conclusion: If it seems too hard to do the right thing, do the wrong thing, advertise it, create support groups to help others take the same road and try to make it an acceptable lifestyle. Shame on The Courant for helping her to advertise by featuring this article....