Save us, San Salvador

Replica of famed explorer Cabrillo's ship finally launches

SAN DIEGO HARBOR LAUNCHPAD — After numerous delays due to both weather problems and concerns over the structural integrity of wooden vessels under the intense strain of space travel, the San Diego Maritime Museum's replica of Juan Cabrillo's San Salvador finally launched today, carrying with it the fading hopes of a doomed species on a dying planet.

Before takeoff, Mayor Faulconer addressed the 50 brave souls who will seek out a New World, gather its resources, and prepare it for colonization. "You travel forth today not merely to honor Cabrillo and his spirit of discovery, but also to imitate his mission. If, say, Mars is in fact home to little green men, you must remind yourself that they are not human, and so you may use them as you wish. Take their treasure, enforce their labor, enjoy their women. If they resist, kill them without qualm or hesitation, for they are savages, as unlike you as you are unlike the gods above. The fate of our species depends on your success. It's not like we're going to fix things here."