Monday, September 23, 2013

Despair

Every big MNC that I'm looking at isn't hiring fresh graduates. I find myself hitting dead-ends with my useless degree (economics is honestly completely shit) and invariably turn to only finance/banking-related jobs in the end, but I halt myself in my tracks because I _KNOW_ I absolutely hate number-crunching and the environment associated with it.

I am running out of time - my dad is fucking annoying the fuck out of me by setting me a time limit (find a job within the next month or two), and I am made to believe again that I am supposed to just bite the bullet and do a similar uninspiring job like the one before and return to square one. I am told that I need to be filial and loyal to the family, that I need to start providing for the family (even though my parents have tens of millions set aside for their own retirement), to "grow" the family wealth, that I cannot abandon everyone and be selfish and only think about providing for myself. Time is running out - my dad is retiring soon. Honestly, it is really a lot much more restrictive to have family wealth than to be comfortably middle-class - there are so many things weighing me down like an albatross.

I have spoken to him about the idea of maybe doing unpaid internships across different industries to learn and see what I wanna do, but he immediately dismissed the idea and said he doesn't understand the concept of "graduate internships."

Sometimes my dad can be a major fucking dickhead. Can't he at least be a bit appreciative that at least his son didn't end up a junkie Macaulay-Caulkin-style? My family is honestly so similar to N's family situation some times it's rather crazy.

It has been impossibly difficult trying to a plot a course with no destination in mind. I am crippled and paralyzed by my fear that I am all talk and no action, that I have no passion in anything, and that I am a waste of space. The only thing I realize that I am passionate about is passionate people. I am so deeply fascinated and inspired by these people. It always brings me to tears when I watch either SYTYCD or X-Factor with N. I literally cry like a baby whenever it's some nondescript cashier/hotel receptionist who sings his/her heart out, and these people burn, burn, burn before my very eyes.

The only two things I can think of that I am passionate about is firstly music, and secondly writing. I really do love music, and I really do love singing. But my heart aches knowing that I would never get support for that from my family, and there is absolutely no future in that for a self-entitled pampered clueless young adult with neither the height, looks, nor raw talent to really carry him far. I know that I do not need to be the "best" in everything I do, and that I might be very happy doing gigs in pubs or shit (if I ever decide to properly learn music), but it pains me also that it took so long for me to realize this, and that I wasted close to 200k on my college education.

Isn't it insane that at the age of 24 I feel that it is already too late for me to turn back?

I don't know how to properly emancipate myself from the paternal pressure that I am facing. I can feel the claws around my heart - heartache really - and I bury my head in my hands.

I finally finished applying to ONE miserable job. It isn't like in the 70's, honestly it is so much more difficult to stand out as a millenial - how can anyone blame our self-entitlement and self-centeredness when basically all jobs now require you to be unique as fuck? I had to crack my head to think of obtuse essay answers to obtuse "tell me about some fucking special something that makes you so fucking special" questions, and then take two ridiculous aptitude tests, numerical and verbal reasoning. I fucked the numerical test up because it was really just too fucking troublesome to use my brain to think about numbers and shit, and so for the MENSA-esque shape-pattern-whateverfuckshit thing I asked N to help me throughout. Needless to say, I am feeling very frustrated right now because I answered less than 25%; N helped with the rest. My mind is just so closed off from all this nonsensical tedious bullshit. That's what my personality is as an ENFP. I hate tedious shit.

I just don't think I have the will to do this, especially being so fucking clueless about what to even do with my goddamn life. I really hate this crippling feeling of helplessness - I just can't seem to even...proceed, which is the fucking problem.

1 comment:

Like a number of posts I have seen before when you are confused, you often answer your own questions. "With no destination in mind" is part of your difficulty -- how can you aim for something when you don't even know what it is? The other difficulty -- your career goals (something with people is probably too vague) clash with expectations of family, and you are not willing to buck tradition and cultural norms. So you will have this conflict of what you want to do (which you are not certain) with what is expected of you (which is clear, but you are not doing so willingly, you have to contend with the whole family guilt trip).

Anyway, no easy answers -- unless you are willing to deviate from that asian pre-occupation with money, status and image -- the pressure will be on you to conform.