The Secret to a Happy Marriage: For Men

She needs to feel that in your eyes, she is in first place. And show it with your actions.

Well, if you read last week’s piece, you guessed it. The secret is the same. Make your wife your priority. I know, you probably think you do already – but she has to experience it that way. What do I mean?

Before your job: First of all, you may love your job. You may thrill to the feeling of accomplishment. (You are even taking a secret pleasure that you are doing a better job and earning more than the guy down the street). Doing a good job makes you feel validated. Earning a lot of money is icing on the cake and really makes you feel like a “someone.” When your wife complains (perhaps not in the most loving and endearing way) that you are spending too much time at work, you may be shocked. “I’m doing this for you dear; to support our family and buy you what you want.” If that is truly your motivation (and this requires sincere reflection; is that really why you’re doing it?) you might be surprised to discover that your wife would willingly take a lower income in order to spend more time with you. That explanation (excuse?) no longer washes.

In addition, whatever your career, be it collecting garbage or trying to find a cure for cancer, your wife needs to feel like she comes first. Yes, the cause may be noble. Presumably she is supportive of it. But she needs to feel that in your eyes, she is in first place. And it’s not enough to say it, you must show it with your actions – by taking her call, by coming home in a timely fashion, by not working weekends, by family vacations, by calling her to check in, by suggesting a lunch date where feasible...

While there are certainly exceptions to every rule, I believe that many men work longer hours than necessary out of compulsiveness, anxiety, lack of efficiency and perhaps even some ambivalence about going home. Most jobs can be accomplished in a reasonable amount of time if attacked with seriousness and competency. It’s a choice – and your wife knows it. You need to choose her first.

Before your community work: There is obviously a lot to be done for the Jewish community. Sometimes you are the only one that can do it. But it should never come at the price of your own marriage. There is no point in “saving” other Jews and losing your own family, God forbid. There is also tremendous pressure in the business world and from friends and colleagues to get involved, to attend banquets, to give money. This needs to be done strategically and thoughtfully – and discussed with your wife. Make sure she is on board with the organizations you wish to support. There is a tremendous ego boost to being recognized as a big giver and doer in the community, a “macher” as we like to say. But the most important place to be a “macher” is in your own home.

Before your male friends: Everyone needs friends and time with friends – but never at the expense of your spouse. Stereotypical male socializing occurs over sports events or sports activities. These can certainly be relaxing outlets. But they should be indulged in a very limited fashion. I recognize the appeal. It’s so much easier to shoot hoops with a bunch of guys and work up a good sweat or joke around in front of a televised football game than it is to have an emotionally involving and revealing and sometimes demanding conversation with your wife. But the payoff is much greater. (Even if your fantasy team wins!)

Before your needs: In essence, making your wife your priority means that her needs come before yours. If she is nervous, get up and check the locks. If she is tired, get the baby in the night. If she is overwhelmed, bring home take-out. If she wants to talk, listen. If she needs affection (and she almost always does), give it to her. You may not always be in the mood (she’s not always in the mood for the things you want either but I’ve advised her to be receptive anyway!) but it’s not about you. It’s about her. You may just want to come home and chill out in front of the television with a drink. Then you should have gotten a dog instead of a wife (actually even a pet needs to eat and be taken outside). Your wife deserves your best self and if that requires a little effort (well a lot of effort) and a little less relaxing, so be it.

A happy marriage requires work. It requires some acting skills. It requires smiling when you feel like frowning and listening when you feel like hiding away. It’s uncomfortable because it isn’t easy but that’s the only way you will experience the rewards of a true relationship.

You don’t have to do it my way. Many people don’t. But ultimately the person you are shortchanging is yourself.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 20

(14)
Lisa,
January 6, 2014 8:13 PM

This article assumes a stay-at-home wife...

This article is on-target, however not only in one direction. It is highly paternalistic because it assumes a stay-at-home wife. The work-late excuse of, "I am doing it to earn money for our family"? What about if the wife earns as much as (or more than) the husband, and still needs to figure out how to get shabbat dinner on the table during the winter without pissing off her boss and co-workers? Are we really still living in a world where the assumption is you can send kids to yeshiva, donate to tzedaka, etc, all on one income?

The article was spot-on, but needs to be considered in both directions. The overriding message should be partnership, not patronization.

(13)
Harv Levy,
January 1, 2014 6:37 PM

Putting your work first

Deciding not to put the extra effort into your work in favor of your wife may be ideal. But in the US it's a highly competitive society. Especially if you're in a high level position, if you're not willing to put in the extra effort they'll find someone who will. How many times have you read supervisors are reluctant to hire more women because they're on the "mommy track".Also-say what you will but I believe it's easier for a woman to put a huge amount of effort into a job and then come home and put just as much energy into home. I'm retired now but I often felt I had to escape to home after work. Not get into another high pressure, performance rated situation.

(12)
Arnold Woods,
December 31, 2013 4:53 AM

The Secret To a Happy Mariiage For Men

While I truly respect and seek a woman's point of view on many subjects, I believe it would be more appropriate for a man to express his views on how to achieve a happy marriage. It just seems incongruous to have a woman, even as qualified as Emunah is, to look into a man's soul and decide what a male should be thinking.My question to Emunah is: What if the couple has been married for, say 35 years and the husband has given his whole being to his wife? This would include, but not limited to: Shopping, cooking, babysitting, housework, laundry, nursing her back to good health, running errands, being a good listener, suggesting romantic getaways and, after 35 years he has nothing to show. She would rather watch TV and read newspapers until late at night, than share a bed. She spends more time with her friends than with her husband. She makes no time to go out to see a play; she would rather attend her umpteenth Holocaust lecture. She no longer feels like she has to keep her commitments to her husband; her promises are never kept. There's nothing left in the tank and she offers no answers or reasonable solutions.. Your views, Emunah, are only one side of the story, involving immature husbands who don't get it, but there's no "one size fits all." There's no miracle, blanket solution covering every problem. Sometimes it IS the woman and not the man.

(11)
Anonymous,
December 29, 2013 1:30 PM

Great Article

All great, especially this from last(ish) paragraph:

"You may just want to come home and chill out in front of the television with a drink. Then you should have gotten a dog instead of a wife (actually even a pet needs to eat and be taken outside). Your wife deserves your best self and if that requires a little effort (well a lot of effort) and a little less relaxing, so be it."

Thanks for posting!

(10)
Anonymous,
December 28, 2013 10:47 PM

From a wife's perspective

Great article!! I firmly believe that for a marriage to be successful, Both husband and wife MUST put each other first (then children)..if they do not, everyone will be miserable....wife, husband and Children. Children need to see this so as to have a good role model for marriage.

I am a professional woman, with a demanding work.oad. After 25 years of not such a great marriage where I made my husband my priority over my job and everything else, he put his parents as his priority, over me and our children, I would add to this article that if you are thinking of marrying anyone, look at how he is with his parents and siblings...if you feel that he always puts them first, then run away as quickly as you can because that will not change after marriage. Also, see how his father treats his mother, because that is how you will eventually be treated by your prospective spouse since that is all he observed growing up. My father in law is nasty to his wife, and, my husband has gotten more like his father as he got older. The honeymoon ends very quickly and reality sets in. The kids are also affected for life.

Chaim,
December 30, 2013 1:43 PM

Also the woman behaves like her mother with her father

I recently broke up with a woman who told me that is father was occasionally (??) abusive to her mother and quite rude. She told me that in the past she fell in love with two men who were similar to him, one of whom slapped on her face, just like her father did with her mother a few times,

She said that after a therapy she was ready to have a normal, respectful man in the life.

Now, I can't be sure, but sometimes I had the impression she was doing everything to make me angry so that I might slap her. I told her that it was never going to happen, and she said I never can tell.

She told me once that it is part of a woman's role to receive a slap from her husband if that's the only way he can express himself. I thank G-d it's over.

(9)
Anonymous,
December 28, 2013 1:37 AM

What women want.

What do women want? They want a husband who is faithful, sweet tempered, reliable and honest. But there is something else a woman wants, that gives her husband the most power to make their marriage happy. And what is that? A woman wants/needs her husband to initiate ROMANCE! What is romance? For a woman, it is her man's expression of adoration of her; expressed in words, in showing he remembers her while not with her by giving her a call (or texting her) during the day just to say hi - (or something more romantic), by bringing her little gifts (even a flower picked in a garden, or a poem), by initiating bonding behaviour such as putting his arm around her or holding her hand, by noticing when she has put extra effort into making herself look nice, and by giving her one of the most devastatingly powerful things known - intimate eye contact. The most happy and successful marriages I know are those where the above is followed. The wife is happy and returns her husband's love. All her activities reflect her happiness - her care of her husband, the children, the house, her cooking, her social life, her creativity and, if she has paid work, that too. All around her benefit from her happiness - initiated by her husband.

Anonymous,
December 29, 2013 9:47 PM

I RESPECTFULLY agree and disagree

Correct me, if I am wrong, Mrs. Braverman is stating both husbands and wives need to make their spouses a priority. This means both the husband and wife need to initiate romance. I am not advocating secular standards that state marriage is "50/50". Just as important, both the husband and wife need to take care of their health, in order to have the desire, vigor, and vitality needed to initiate romance. Most men are in poor health and over stressed, in order to initiate romance. Unfortunately, many women suffer the same circumstances.As a husband, I am responsible for acts of romance and benevolence towards my wife, regardless of whether my wife returns the romance and benevolence. If I am not mistaken, do not the Rabbis in the Pirkei Avot tell us to serve our CREATOR and others, without expecting a reward?

(8)
Graham Coffey,
December 28, 2013 1:24 AM

A lasting marriage...

A marriage is a contract to between two equal minded people. While I can see, and accept the merit of this article, neither party should place themselves in a subservient role…..as to be constantly garnering the others' good will. Both need to step up to the plate equally…in every respect, and then we shall experience a truly meaningful and lasting bond…other wise the break down of marriage; as has occurred during the past 50 years, will continue…..From TOTAL EQUALITY comes commitment, loyalty and trust…anything less is a (long term) receipt for disaster...

(7)
Anonymous,
December 27, 2013 5:46 PM

men live in their own little world.

Listen carefully husbands:I will tell you some things I have seen husbands do. DON'T EVER DO THESE THINGS. . You will NEVER be forgiven.I saw a couple walking up a steep ramp to the supermarket . The wife was pregnant and she was holding their big, heavy child. The husband didn't seem to notice.I saw a couple with a double baby carriage walking UPHILL. The wife was pushing the carriage. What planet was the husband on????I was in a restaurant. It was crowded. A couple came in with maybe five small children. The wife, nine months pregnant, (my friend, that's how I know) was walking around the table with a tray of food and serving each child individually. She could barely make it between the chairs. Her husband just sat there AND DID NOTHING. He was eating. She was not. You have no idea what sacrifices women make to make their husbands and children happy. If you love her and care for her, start noticing when she is upset and don't wait until she explodes.

(6)
Anonymous,
December 27, 2013 3:31 PM

more to the story

I agree that devoting time to your wife and family is a crucial element of a successful marriage but the article just about stops there. The author adds that you should get off your tuchus and respond to her practical needs as well. 100%. But beyond all that very important stuff is the real need a woman has for intimacy with her husband, and not just physical. A woman wants to feel connected to her man, to understand him and feel that he wants to understand her. She wants her man to confide in her. In this way she feels she is appreciated. This is about a caliber of communication... And just as a woman wants to feel her husband's desire for him, so does a woman want this from her man.

(5)
Monica,
December 27, 2013 3:10 PM

Time spent in Shul

Interesting article but I believe that one thing was left out....."Before going to Shul" should have been part of this as well. My husband and I have evolved over the last 10 years in our level of observance. The hardest thing for me was the amount of time he disappeared every day to daven. We used to have breakfast every day together and talk. Now he davens during that time. On Shabbat, he disappears over to the mens section and for Shabbat lunch he sits with the men. When we return home he reads Tehillim and then says "Oh!! It's time to go end Shabbat" and then he disappears again.....So, we had to come up with a compromise. I felt neglected and like a second class citizen and he understood. Maybe this isn't a problem for every observant Jewish woman but I had a hard time adjusting to this.

(4)
Anonymous,
December 27, 2013 5:40 AM

Say On

Ask yourself before you get married. The man needs to ask Will I be willing to make her happy. The future wife needs to ask will she be willing to put in the effort to make him happy. effort. Love is active!

(3)
Raymond Bastarache,
December 26, 2013 11:53 PM

A complete Happy Marriage

Beautiful article....One main ingredient was overlooked ...the most important...found in Eccl. 4:12..a threefold cord is not easily broken. Man, Woman....G-d. Without Him we can do nothing...HE is the foundation of every marriage. Shalom

(2)
Chaim,
December 23, 2013 1:06 PM

Thank you

Thank you for such beautiful articles. People should understand that their spouse must be in the first place. If you help "the entire world", and then your spouse is sick of being neglected and deserts you, I assure you nobody will come back and say: You lost your spouse for helping (also) me, so here I am to help. People you helped will tell you that you didn't get your priorities right. That will be their gratefulness. And that's what even close and broader family will do in most cases.

(1)
Avigal,
December 22, 2013 9:12 AM

Naive understanding of having a job

Emuna, I love your common sense approach and you are the main reason I come to this website, but your comments above only show that you really, really don't understand how the modern job market works. It would be wonderful if doing your job as efficiently as possible was all that employers look for, but sadly, in the current environment especially, there is no end to your to do list and just doing your hours and heading home is job suicide. II am a woman, by the way, not some man who doesn't want to go home because he might get roped into doing the dishes!

Alan S.,
December 22, 2013 9:48 AM

On their deathbed, no one ever complained about not spending more time in the office...

I think you didn't get the main message. If your job -- regardless of the demands -- continually takes precedence over your spouse, to poorly paraphrase, 'you've got some explaining to do'. And that explaining and inner reflection should be to the person in the mirror. Yes, success at work often takes long hours and those hours away are usually at the expense of spending them with your wife and kids, if you are lucky to have them. Is this what you truly got married for?

Ahava,
December 27, 2013 2:02 PM

job requirements

I agree with you, Avigal. I teach school which one would think is a good family oriented job, but it is not when school is in session. In GA, there is no union, so the school system can require us to do as much ad they want, and we either do it or have no job. With ever increasing class sizes and paperwork requirements, I must work late daily to hope to have the weekends free. If I am not being constantly doing the latest new thing in my classroom, our administration gives us a hard time. All of that innovation requires hours after school is let out.

Haim,
December 27, 2013 3:31 PM

This is why we need unions and Social Democracy

It used to be that one 40 hour a week job would support a family, now it take two 60 hour a week jobs.We need a Socialist movement to demand a 30 hour week with no cut in pay. We need adequate social insurance; (Single payer health insurance and a universal children's allowance like France). We need to abolish the concept of salaried employment so everyone gets paid for all their work.

Anonymous,
December 27, 2013 5:40 PM

did you read the article with your eyes closed?????

If you are going crazy with your job and to do list and children, WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND???? Why aren't your children given chores?? Why don't you get a tiny bit of extra help? and if you are not able to handle everything, you need to SERIOUSLY rethink about your job. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.