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Advise for a friend who had sufferred multiple pregnancy loss

Hi all,

I am a mother of a 1 year-old baby girl. Around the time I was pregnant with my first-born, a close friend of mine was also pregnant. It was her 2nd pregnancy, the first one ended when she had pre-mature labor. She was very happy since they were not expecting to get pregnant right away (just a year after her 1st miscarriage). Their happiness doubled when they found out that she was carrying twins! I knew how careful she was, eating the right kind of food, following her doctor's orders... so nobody can say that she did not take care of herself and her unborn babies.

It was on her 26th week that she experienced some bleeding and mild contractions. I, on the other hand is on my 25th week. She was in the labor room for 2 days, her doctors doing everything they can to delay her delivery. But the inevitable happened, she delivered the twins (boy and girl) prematurely at 26 weeks.

It was a few weeks after that the girl passed away due to a blood infection. Her little boy fought for 3 months, but his tiny body is just not yet ready for life outside the womb.

I felt really sad for my friend, that when I found out what happened I was lost for words, I don't know what to tell her and how to console her. Even now, I still find it hard to talk to her. She seemed to be doing fine, but I know deep inside she is still grieving.

I'd like to ask other mums out there, how do you talk to a friend who has already suffered multiple child loss? Are there words that should be avoided?

It is hard to know what to say in a situation like that. My best advice is to just let her know that you are always there for her if she needs to talk, cry or vent. If you know the sad date of her losses you might suggest a low-key lunch out or some other kind of fun girls outing around that time. It won't make her forget but it can help take her mind off the sadness and if nothing else at least you'll be there if she needs a shoulder to cry on or just a really big hug.

Rose, I have seen women who suffer multiple losses and most of the time a loss is related to some imbalance in the body. My naturapathic GP told me of a patient who had an autoimmune issue where her body was rejecting the baby and had 19 miscarriages before finding a doctor to help her through a successful pregnancy. In pregnancy, the woman's immune system is depressed to prevent her from rejecting the baby but for some women, their immune system does not do what it is supposed to. I would ask your friend to look for a naturapathic GP or someone that can help her resolve the medical reason why she has suffered multiple pregnancy losses rather than to continue to try without finding those answers. She may even find that she is believing that she is eating well but one of the foods she is eating is causing her to have an immune response, ie an allergic reaction . I did not find out till my last pregnancy, which ended badly that I was dairy intolerant and my immunoglobin count was four times what it should have been. I hope she finds her answers.