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Contemplation

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. ~ Isaiah 43:2

I’m going through this crazy mental time right now. I’ve gained a few pounds the last few months and the boy is disappearing more and more from my life. I know that I’m the one who told him that I couldn’t date him. I know that I’m the one who didn’t contradict him when he said he didn’t have a pretty girl to kiss when he was down. I know that I’m the one who said he was what I wanted, but not what I needed (because I needed a praying man).

I miss him though. He still talks to me every day, but before where it was 4 or 5 hour gap at most… it can literally be only a little in the morning or night now. I miss feeling like he was my constant companion even when it was only via text most of the time. The niche he found for himself in my life now feels empty and a gaping hole.

Tonight, one of my guy friends texted me out of the blue to tell me about how things weren’t going well with the girl he was chasing. Said he messed up with her because he was pursuing her too much when she needed space. This is the same guy who I said was the example of what I’m looking for in a guy.

Part of me kept wondering what in the world was wrong with her for not running towards him with all she had. Here is this amazing, Godly, thoughtful guy who truly loves Christ and she just didn’t want to date him why? because he was attentive??? I just don’t get it but all I do know is that a slight part of me wanted to be like “me! pick me! I’m here! I love Jesus just as much as you do! Open your eyes!” but… he’s never, ever offered anything besides friendship to me. I gave up on him ever thinking of me as anything beyond a friend years ago.

So here I sit, on the heels of amazing news that I passed my boards and yet my heart is still heavy…

Lord,

Help me to hope in You. I know You have all things in Your hands so help me praise You even with my heavy heart. Help me put on the garment of praise. Help me to love You with all my heart so that this stuff has no effect on me. Shield me in Your hands. Hold me while I have a heavy heart when I should be rejoicing. Help me shed this feeling of being inadequate, of feeling like no man will find me attractive, to just re-see my worth in You again. Remind me You are walking with me in this emotional time in which things must be burned away and out of my heart.

You’re welcome.. I just had to get my heart out though… this Jesus, I know He is good, I know He loves me and only wants the best so when my heart feels down I keep telling myself “if it’s not working out it’s because God knows what is best for you”… it doesn’t take away the sadness completely, but it makes it bearable if that makes sense? I can endure it more because I know that God has a reason for all things so long as I keep my life in His hands, so long as I keep trusting and believing Him. My praise IS my weapon in this season. Doesn’t make the sadness and loneliness disappear every moment of my day, but it does make it go away when it creeps back in…

I know the feeling of unrequited feelings (I had to google that word to make sure I spelled it right). But I do think that the best way of finding the right person is when you go from “needing someone to complete you” to “finding out who you are and living out your identity in Christ and finding someone who is chasing after Jesus as hard as you are.” I really like what you have to say and I will be reading more.

it’s interesting because I didn’t need anyone and I still don’t… but he carved a place in my every day life and now it’s not the same, but I’m learning to re-adjust- yesterday was actually the first day he didn’t interact with me at all- not even a text… I know everything is in God’s hands and I know all things work out for my good and so I just wait, sometimes needing to re-submit my feelings to Him, but in the mean time I just keep telling myself “He is faithful” and choose to worship Him- sometimes through tears, and sometimes through laughter. I think the key for me though, is choosing regardless of how I’m feeling when I start.