Merceds is home to the triple defending drivers and constructors champions and everyone is sick of them. It was a relief that Rosberg won the 2016 driver's championship so it broke up the monotony of their dominance. This winter I expect lots of moody shots of Hamilton overlooking beautiful beaches as he thinks about how to use a clutch.

Red Bull Racing

Red Bull is the team that dominated before the engine rules change. Everybody is no longer sick of them but Horner is still being a plucky little ****. Red Bull still likely has the very best chassis in 2017 but we will see if the Renault...er "Tag Heuer" powerplant will be up to scratch. Based on early comments by Mr. Dietrich Mateschitz they expect to be "challenging for wins by mid-season" which suggests they admit the engine is going to hold them back until then.

Scuderia Ferrari

Ferrari is the New York Yankees of Formula 1. If you live in the US and you have heard of Formula One before, you're probably a Ferrari fan. They got usurped by Red bull in 2016 in what can only be described as a national embarrassment. Now we've got a moody Vettel experiencing what Italian F1 press calls "Alonsoification". Ferrari is definitely a wildcard in 2017 with chassis and engine development unknown after a waning 2016. But with the departure of James Allison in mid-2016 and classic Ferrari finger-pointing between engine and chassis development, the tifosi might need to hold their breath a while longer. The team is starting to show serious pace in pre-season testing so they might have gotten their act together again...Forza Ferrari!

Sahara Force India Formula One Team

These guys took 4th place in the constructors championship in 2016 despite having a tiny budget and a tall driver. Since F1 is really a two-tier sport these days, these guys definitely were best of the rest.

Williams Martini Racing

I hope they get free booze with that title sponsorship. The car looks pretty neat with that classic livery. In 2016 Felipe Massa crashed his car at his home race and they've decided to give it to him as a retirement gift. That's nice. Here's your broken car, we fixed it up. Paddy Lowe is expected to sign on mid-season, probably a little too late to do anything significant.

McLaren Honda Formula 1 Team

Mclaren did a bit better in 2016 but that's faint praise for a team that used to be the British Ferrari team. Ron Dennis got kicked out in a boardroom fight and some people are sad about it. Meanwhile we're still waiting to find out who the 2013 Mclaren title sponsor is going to be. 2016 was Jenson Button's final year in F1 even though he doesn't think so. The most interesting thing McLaren did this year was run into the back of a Haas at the first race. Everybody is hoping Honda can work out where to put the turbo in 2017.

Scuderia Toro Rosso

Another underfunded team that just fills the grid. This is where Red Bull puts its prospective new drivers instead of keeping them in GP2 or whatever. Might as well have them trundle around in a "real" F1 car getting more valuable experience than some other racing series. Last year Danil Kvyat became the first driver to get sent back to the this minor-league team after making one too many ****-ups in the Red Bull.

In 2008 the team accidentally won a race in torrential rain. With the current tyres this would never happen because the stewards would have to wait until it was safe enough for one of the top teams to win the race.

Haas F1 Team

So there's this guy in the US called Gene Haas and he sells CNC Machine Tools so he decided to start an F1 team to promote his business. Apparently a lot of F1 teams use his equipment already so now he probably wants more F1 teams so he can sell more kit to more customers. I will look him up if I need a CNC machine but I'd have to clean my garage first. That's the advertising power of F1.

The team did surprisingly well in the early part of 2016 due to basically having a chassis fitted with a bunch of leftover Ferrari parts. But then they had a rash of problems and so we got lots of garage shots of Romain Grosjean with his long gloomy face while the car was being towed back to the pits. The team got most of its car parts from other sources and so when they had chronic brake failures they blamed their suppliers. When my CNC machined parts break I'll blame Haas. The team claims they started working on the 2017 car before the 2016 season started. That sounds nice but it might just be cover for their slide into mediocrity.

Renault Sport Formula One Team

Somehow we went from having no Team Lotus to TWO Team Lotuses, back to Zero Team Lotuses and now we have this team called Renault that is a shadow of its former self. They keep having issues hiring people so they got Nico Hulkenberg and a bunch of people that don't know how to run an F1 team. Now that Frederic Vasseur has departed, at least the team has fewer cooks in the kitchen, but now there's not even a recipe. The team will still likely improve, but like Mclaren, that's only because of how bad they were last year.

Sauber F1 Team

Sauber will continue to circle the drain in 2017 despite scoring a couple points in 2016. These two points were one more than Manor/MRT so they finished not-dead-last. I like Peter Sauber, he seems nice, but that may be because he doesn't speak English so I've never heard him say anything.

Manor Racing MRT

Are these guys really still around? Is this the car that is blue and orange at the back that only gets on TV when they have a mechanical failure or happen to pass each other by accident? Update as of January, apparently the team went into administration - aka bankruptcy in Amercian - and the staff has been paid til the end of January. But they need a buyer immediately if they want to make the grid in Australia.

Driver Lineup

Maybe somebody else should do this section because it's just a bunch of grand prickx in smelly racing suits. Update: Credit to Esteban for stepping up and filling in the driver lineup and revealing all of his man-crushes.

Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula One Team

​#77 VALTTERI BOTTAS: Lost his luster. Courted big time by Renault for 2017, but Sir Frank was all like “nah, bruh”. I don’t expect much from this space in 2017. HOLEE SHIIAT. Happy fookin Christmas to you, Bo77as. A solid number two (not poo) for the defending champs. His goal should be to pick up the pieces left behind by #blessed44. Anything more and color me impressed.
#44 LEWIS HAMILTON: How. And. The. Hell. That was the loop going through the head of the 4x 3x Champion #LH44 #blessed. Expect HAM to bounce back in 2017 in a fury, or checked out. There is no middle ground.

Red Bull Racing Formula One Team
#3 DANIEL RICCIARDO: Mr. Smiles is likely gonna be at the pointy end of the grid driver the RB13. You know, since the new aero regs were devised by the guy who designs the car he’s driving. Expect some fireworks from…
#33 MAX VERSTAPPEN: This little **** has the speed, and zero f*cks to give. Expect lots of noise about his driving (good and bad). Lettuce pray the RB13 can mix it up in the front.

Scuderia Ferrari
#5 SEBASTIAN VETTEL: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Once the wunderkind, now Seb5 has turned to the radio to voice is (many) displeasures. Maybe the **** show in Maranello can give him a car to smile about? He’ll need it to max Fangio’s titles.
#7 KIMI RAIKKONEN: Bwoah. Iguesshedidprettygoodin2016. BeatSebinheadtoheadqualifying. Abigimprovementfrom2015. Expectmanydisappointsfor2017. Toosensitive.

Sahara Force India Formula One Team
#11 SERGIO PEREZ: Checo was the best of the rest in 2016. Made The Hulk look not so Hulkish. I fear he and his team have reached their ceiling. The new kid in the other car might give him trouble.
#34 ESTEBAN OCON: Best first name on the grid. Got the Force India seat by not being a ****. Yes, a Frenchman was more likeable than a German. What a time to be alive. Expect good things for our tall friend (who replaced another tall friend, so his head should be clear of the intake).

Williams Martini Racing

​#19 FELIPE BABY MASSA: So. Uh. This is awkward. Remember when we were sad you were pushed out in favor of a kiddo with a big cheque book? Well, he's in the other garage and your old teammate is living it up big with Merc. Just accept this few million dollars for your trouble and pretend everything is ok...ok?
#18 LANCE STROLL: A Canadian rookie! In a Williams! What year is it?! Differences: Williams 2017 aren’t that good, and Lance might even be tolerable. First guy to earn a Superlicense post MADMAX. Let’s see if it was worth it.

McLaren Honda Formula 1 Team
#14 FERNANDO ALONSO: This is the year McLaren bounce back. Problem for Ferdy is, the guy in the other car is another rookie, a McLaren protégé, and pretty damn quick. Bad luck Fernando. Bad luck.
#2: STOFFEL VANDOORNE: JB’s replacement. The Woffel is the real deal. Expect him to send Fernando into retirement too.
#??: JENSON MASSIVE UNDERSTEER BUTTON: JB will be making a special appearance at Monaco while Fernando goes off to the Indy 500 to learn what a winning Honda powerplant feels like.

Scuderia Toro Rosso
#55 CARLOS SAINZ: A standout season in 2016. Maybe not quite MADMAX hype, but he’s got the goods. +5 for his crush on Fernando. Expect to see him in the Renault 2018.
#26 DANIIL KVYAT: Brought back by STR because A) Gasly isn’t ready apparently and B) they didn’t want his suicide on their conscience. Turn that frown upside down little buddy. It’s gonna be ok.

Haas F1 Team
#8 ROMAIN GROSJEAN: Earned Haas’ 8th place all by himself in 2016 because the other guy was Esteban Gutierrez. Expect lots of moaning about brakes in 2017. Oui.
#20 KEVIN MAGNUSSEN: Who got a two year deal finally? This guy right here did. I don’t know what else to say.

Renault Sport
#27 NICO HULKENBURG: Took the money and hope the French could get their **** together. Knowing his luck, they won’t. But at least he’ll be getting Works Team paychecks now.
#30 JOYLON PALMER: Earned his second year in F1 after KMag said “nah”. Expect to have another name on his car in 2018.

Sauber F1
#9 MARCUS ERICSSON: Finished 2016 without any points, got the drive for 2017 anyways. #mustbenice
#94 PASCAL WEHRLEIN: Missed out on the biggest drive evar, which sounds a lot like Merc has decided already that Pascal is no Mad Max. He better beat the Swede or he goes bye bye me thinks.

Manor Racing MRT - ¯\_(ツ)_/¯Car 1: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Car 2: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2017 Rule Changes

The top teams were not dominant enough so they made some rule changes to make the cars look like they're hard parked even when they're racing. We're going to get bigger tyres and bigger wings/diffuser. This means lots more downforce and less passing. In theory the cars should look better but we still have the ornate front wings that stop working unless they're in clean air so if a mouse farts under the grandstands we get no passing for three laps. With all the extra downforce we should get more dramatic accidents due to higher cornering speeds and a stronger diffuser that will suddenly stop generating downforce when it gets disturbed. So much for safety.

Also they're getting rid of the engine token system that made sure nobody was able to catch up to Mercedes for three years running.

And so, the longest season in Formula 1 history rolls to a close this weekend. But as the culmination of the season-long battle between Nico Rosberg and Lewis Hamilton roars into the sunset, Sunday will mark the end of a distinct period in the sport's history.

Many have claimed the last three seasons to have been the dullest in F1's recent past, with races and championships turned into a predictable and uninspiring tour de force for the all-conquering Mercedes team. It seems memories in the sport have grown short, for this supposedly boring triumvirate of championships has followed swiftly on from Red Bull's own four-year period of productivity.

If the last three years have been a competitive failure, it would be utterly wrong to pin the blame at the feet of the boys and girls at Brackley and Brixworth. If competition has been lacking and excitement in short supply, the responsibility lies with the 10 teams in the sport which have abjectly failed to do as good a job. It is their responsibility, allied to the governing body's ludicrous push to enforce restrictive regulation which stifled technology, that lies at the root of any dissatisfaction.The irony is that it is only now, on the eve of a technical rules upheaval, that we are starting to see the green shoots from which a truly competitive era could have grown. But rather than allow the rules to settle, allow the teams to learn, understand, develop, and for competitiveness to converge, panic begat a forced change predicated on a false target.The last three years have seen some of the most incredible technological advances in the sport's history. For the engine manufacturers to have designed and built their hybrid units in the 18-month lead time they were afforded was nothing short of incredible. But rather than laud this tech and promote the brilliant job the teams had done to even make it to the grid for the start of the 2014 season, the FIA fell silent. Because the tech was never fully promoted, the fan base at large was left underwhelmed by a lack of speed, reliability and the high-pitched engine note that had defined the past 25 years.

Pinning an engine freeze and a token system to such new and complex technology asphyxiated innovation, delaying meaningful advancements which could have cured basic issues and painting the sport and the bona fide geniuses behind its power units in a far better light.The teams haven't helped themselves either, of course. There has been an absurd level of secrecy surrounding these units. It wouldn't have taken much to have made available a rudimentary version of the power units at the start of each season for the press, in order for us to explain to our viewers and readers what makes these cars and these engines so special – why this technology is something to be applauded rather than derided.It is astonishing to comprehend that a current Formula 1 power unit is achieving 1000hp from a 1.6-liter engine. Lap records set in the days of the raw brutality of the V10s and complex aerodynamics are being matched or broken by cars that are powered by a lump smaller than the free bottle of Coke you get with your pizza delivery.

If the last three years are representative of anything, it is the unforgivable wasting of an opportunity to promote one of the greatest facets of this sport and the people who work within it. More than a missed chance, it has been a downright failure of a basic objective. And a reflection of the laziness representative in the ease of deriding over the responsibility of informing.We have witnessed more than just great innovation within the straightjacket of regulatory restriction in the last three years though. We have seen the maturation of one of the sport's greats in Lewis Hamilton and the emergence of a new generation of hungry and talented racers who will lead this sport into the next decade. We have seen great races, great battles and virtuoso performances at every level. We have seen sub-two-second pit stops. We have seen new circuits and new teams. And now new owners for a sport which apparently is in such dire straits.The only notion of failure over the past three years to which I subscribe is that the sport failed to maximize the opportunity it was handed. Furthermore, its speed to react to ill-informed negativity and chase a false target of faster lap times via a technical regulation shift that will see downforce levels return to those not seen in a decade, could yet make the product even less competitive. Faster lap times and faster racing cars do not necessarily equate to better racing.A regulation change is a hard reset button. One team, or one concept, will prove to be the inspired choice. The one which all others will end up imitating. It is more than likely that one team will dominate in 2017, and again in 2018 as the other teams catch up. By 2019, it is likely that we will again start to see competitiveness creeping back in as the big gaps that separated the teams at the start of the era become increasingly marginal. But if the sport reacts next season as it did in 2014, then we'll likely be looking at a new set of regs for 2020, and the competition that three years of ground work had prepared will be dashed into the skip once again as the reset button is hit and we go back to square one.Personally, I've enjoyed these past three years. I've loved watching the development, seeing the incredible steps made not just season to season but weekend to weekend. I've loved watching the racing, albeit not often for the lead. I've loved watching the gaps closing and the competitiveness converging. But included all the time was a sadness that ultimately it was all going to be scrapped just as it was getting good.

Sunday marked the end of one of this sport's most incredible eras. Mercedes got almost everything right and will walk away with their heads held high with a clean sweep of three team and driver championships. We should applaud their efforts, the genius behind their dominance, the skill of their drivers and the hard work and dedication of every member of the team at the track and back at base that made them, quite simply, untouchable.In three years tainted by predictable pessimism I'd sooner remember the remarkable, in the hope that the next gilt-edged opportunity this sport is given is nurtured. Not inexplicably neutered.

There is a note that says: “Gut signed by Manor”, which pretty much says it all. This makes sense in that he has money and the team needs it, but also because Manor is about to be sold to a Mexican-American fellow, who will be looking for sponsors on both sides of Donald Trump’s mythical wall. We all know him, actually, but until the deal is actually signed it seems that no-one wants to say the name Tavo Hellmund out loud. Tavo has been busy in recent years promoting the US Grand Prix in Austin and the Mexican GP and has been rushing around in the US trying to build race tracks in suitable places. In his spare time, however, Tavo has been quietly negotiating with Manor to buy the team. It’s been going on for at least 18 months, but the price has never been right and Tavo is never going to pay more than the team is worth. Anyway, this time he seems to have managed to get all the planets aligned and if all goes to plan at some point soon there will be announcement. Whether Tavo will be in the spotlight remains to be seen, but like Zak Brown (with whom he raced in British F3 many years ago) Tavo wants to be a player in the big game in F1. It should be noted that Mr E will like this as, I am told, he used to bounce young Hellmund on his avuncular knee way back when Tavo’s dad Gustavo was the promoter of the Mexican GP. So, he’s a Bernie man and with some cash, a Mercedes engine and a new car, Manor should be stronger next year. This is necessary as Sauber is getting stronger too.

Merceds is home to the triple defending drivers and constructors champions and everyone is sick of them. It was a relief that Rosberg won the 2016 driver's championship so it broke up the monotony of their dominance. This winter I expect lots of moody shots of Hamilton overlooking beautiful beaches as he thinks about how to use a clutch.

Red Bull Racing

Red Bull is the team that dominated before the engine rules change. Everybody is no longer sick of them but Horner is still being a plucky little ****.

Scuderia Ferrari

Ferrari is the New York Yankees of Formula 1. If you live in the US and you have heard of Formula One before, you're probably a Ferrari fan.

Sahara Force India Formula One Team

These guys took 4th place in the constructors championship in 2016 despite having a tiny budget and a tall driver.

Williams Martini Racing

I hope they get free booze with that title sponsorship. The car looks pretty neat with that classic livery. In 2016 Felipe Massa crashed his car at his home race and they've decided to give it to him as a retirement gift. That's nice. Here's your broken car, we fixed it up.

McLaren Honda Formula 1 Team

Mclaren did a bit better in 2016 but that's faint praise for a team that used to be the British Ferrari team. Ron Dennis got kicked out in a boardroom fight and some people are sad about it. Meanwhile we're still waiting to find out who the 2013 Mclaren title sponsor is going to be. 2016 was Jenson Button's final year in F1 even though he doesn't think so. The most interesting thing McLaren did this year was run into the back of a Haas at the first race. Everybody is hoping Honda can work out where to put the turbo in 2017.

Scuderia Toro Rosso

Another underfunded team that just fills the grid. This is where Red Bull puts its prospective new drivers instead of keeping them in GP2 or whatever. Might as well have them trundle around in a "real" F1 car getting more valuable experience than some other racing series. Last year Danil Kvyat became the first driver to get sent back to the this team after making one too many ****-ups in the Red Bull. In 2008 the team accidentally won a race in torrential rain. With the current tyres this would never happen and the stewards would have to wait until it was safe enough for one of the top teams to win the race.

Haas F1 Team

So there's this guy in the US called Gene Haas and he sells CNC Machine Tools so he decided to start an F1 team to promote his business. Apparently a lot of F1 teams use his equipment already so now he probably wants more F1 teams so he can sell them to more customers. I will look him up if I need a CNC machine but I'd have to clean my garage first. That's the advertising power of F1. However I'm less likely to buy Pirelli tyres since they started becoming the sole tyre supplier in F1. The team did surprisingly well in the early part of 2016 due to basically having a chassis fitted with a bunch of leftover Ferrari parts. But then they had a rash of problems and so we got lots of garage shots of Romain Grosjean with his long gloomy face while the car was being towed back to the pits. The team got most of its car parts from other sources and so when they had chronic brake failures they blamed their suppliers. When my CNC machined parts break I'll blame Haas. The team claims they started working on the 2017 car before the 2016 season started. That sounds nice but it might just be cover for their slide into mediocrity.

Renault Sport Formula One Team

Somehow we went from having no Team Lotus to TWO Team Lotuses, back to Zero Team Lotuses and now we have this team called Renault that is a shadow of its former self. They keep having issues hiring people so they got Nico Hulkenberg and a bunch of people that don't know how to run an F1 team.

Sauber F1 Team

Sauber will continue to circle the drain in 2017 despite scoring a couple points in 2016. These two points were one more than Manor/MRT so they finished not-dead-last. I like peter sauber, he seems nice, but that may be because he doesn't speak English so I've never heard him say anything.

Manor Racing MRT

Are these guys really still around? Is this the car that is blue and orange at the back that only gets on TV when they have a mechanical failure or happen to pass each other by accident?

Driver Lineup

Maybe somebody else should do this section because it's just a bunch of grand prickx in smelly racing suits. Update: Credit to Esteban for stepping up and filling in the driver lineup and revealing all of his man-crushes.

Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula One Team
#1 (6?) NICO ROSBERG: The defending karaoke and series Champion. How did we let it get so far? I’m not entirely sure, but I suppose that Merc lump/battery pack has something to do with it. He made it count when he had the chance, and now takes the psychological advantage into 2017 over…
#44 LEWIS HAMILTON: How. And. The. Hell. That was the loop going through the head of the 4x 3x Champion #LH44 #blessed. Expect HAM to bounce back in 2017 in a fury, or checked out. There is no middle ground.

Red Bull Racing Formula One Team
#3 DANIEL RICCIARDO: Mr. Smiles is likely gonna be at the pointy end of the grid driver the RB13. You know, since the new aero regs were devised by the guy who designs the car he’s driving. Expect some fireworks from…
#33 MAX VERSTAPPEN: This little **** has the speed, and zero f*cks to give. Expect lots of noise about his driving (good and bad). Lettuce pray the RB13 can mix it up in the front.

Scuderia Ferrari
#5 SEBASTIAN VETTEL: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Once the wunderkind, now Seb5 has turned to the radio to voice is (many) displeasures. Maybe the **** show in Maranello can give him a car to smile about? He’ll need it to max Fangio’s titles.
#7 KIMI RAIKKONEN: Bwoah. Iguesshedidprettygoodin2016. BeatSebinheadtoheadqualifying. Abigimprovementfrom2015. Expectmanydisappointsfor2017. Toosensitive.

Sahara Force India Formula One Team
#11 SERGIO PEREZ: Checo was the best of the rest in 2016. Made The Hulk look not so Hulkish. I fear he and his team have reached their ceiling. The new kid in the other car might give him trouble.
#34 ESTEBAN OCON: Best first name on the grid. Got the Force India seat by not being a ****. Yes, a Frenchman was more likeable than a German. What a time to be alive. Expect good things for our tall friend (who replaced another tall friend, so his head should be clear of the intake).

McLaren Honda Formula 1 Team
#14 FERNANDO ALONSO: This is the year McLaren bounce back. Problem for Ferdy is, the guy in the other car is another rookie, a McLaren protégé, and pretty damn quick. Bad luck Fernando. Bad luck.
#41: STOFFEL VANDOORNE: JB’s replacement. The Woffel is the real deal. Expect him to send Fernando into retirement too.

Manor Racing MRT
Car 1: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Car 2: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Renault Sport
#27 NICO HULKENBURG: Took the money and hope the French could get their **** together. Knowing his luck, they won’t. But at least he’ll be getting Works Team paychecks now.
#30 JOYLON PALMER: Earned his second year in F1 after KMag said “nah”. Expect to have another name on his car in 2018.

Scuderia Toro Rosso
#55 CARLOS SAINZ: A standout season in 2016. Maybe not quite MADMAX hype, but he’s got the goods. +5 for his crush on Fernando. Expect to see him in the Renault 2018.
#26 DANIIL KVYAT: Brought back by STR because A) Gasly isn’t ready apparently and B) they didn’t want his suicide on their conscience. Turn that frown upside down little buddy. It’s gonna be ok.

Williams Martini Racing
#77 VALTTERI BOTTAS: Lost his luster. Courted big time by Renault for 2017, but Sir Frank was all like “nah, bruh”. I don’t expect much from this space in 2017.
#TBD LANCE STROLL: A Canadian rookie! In a Williams! What year is it?! Differences: Williams 2017 aren’t that good, and Lance might even be tolerable. First guy to earn a Superlicense post MADMAX. Let’s see if it was worth it.

Haas F1 Team
#8 ROMAIN GROSJEAN: Earned Haas’ 8th place all by himself in 2016 because the other guy was Esteban Gutierrez. Expect lots of moaning about brakes in 2017. Oui.
#20 KEVIN MAGNUSSEN: Who got a two year deal finally? This guy right here did. I don’t know what else to say.

2017 Rule Changes

The top teams were not dominant enough so they made some rule changes to make the cars look like they're hard parked even when they're racing. We're going to get bigger tyres and bigger wings/diffuser. This means lots more downforce and less passing. In theory the cars should look better but we still have the ornate front wings that stop working unless they're in clean air so if a mouse farts under the grandstands we get no passing for three laps. With all the extra downforce we should get more dramatic accidents due to higher cornering speeds and a stronger diffuser that will suddenly stop generating downforce when it gets disturbed. So much for safety.

Also they're getting rid of the engine token system that made sure nobody was able to catch up to Mercedes for three years running.

Whatever his reason, it doesn't do him a ton of good to test the tires at this point since they're still using the current chassis. Plus Hamilton doesn't seem to be the type of driver that needs a lot of time in the seat to be quick. Whether he's sick or not, I'm sure he's ready for a break.