Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Sovereign

Good news first: Hubby has a job! There is a whole back story of an interview, a staffing recruiter who dropped the ball, a prayer time where the two of us petitioned the Lord and honestly poured out our hurting hearts, and then a whirlwind 24 hours of contacts and circumstances that only our good, never-lets-go God could have orchestrated. He starts on Monday. His first paycheck will come in at just about the time we expect that the "reserves" will run out.

Huh. Just in telling you that mini-story, there is light shining through the darkness that has been this day. I actually intended to pour out my sad, hurting heart again here to you this afternoon. I meant to tell you about pain that refuses to be managed and the gray, Eeyore-ish cloud that was above my head when I woke up this morning. I wanted to tell you that I cancelled a coffee date with a friend and I have let my phone go to voice mail because I simply couldn't get past myself. I intended to tell you that I haven't even changed out of my pajamas today, and if I were to be really honest, I would have confessed that I could not wait until the cowboys left for school this morning so I could get on with the business of feeling sorry for myself.

Deep breath.

I flipped open my laptop to do just that, and Hubby said, "Oh--are you going to write about the job?"

I didn't tell him that his brand new, answer-to-many-prayers job wasn't even on my radar. I simply replied, "Of course!"...and I acted as if that had been my intention the entire time.

Huh.

It's a weird thing about being diagnosed with a terminal illness...your perspective changes almost instantly. I'm not talking even about the initial diagnosis. For seven years now, I have had some treatment up my sleeve. There has been a "next thing," something else to try--some reason to believe that certainly, surely there was no way that God was going to let me die. No, it's the part where there is no more medicine or technology or earthly intervention that can fix it. The part where the doctor looks you straight in the eye and says, "I'm sorry. There is nothing else to do." I've always seen the world through pretty black-and-white lenses. It's one of the best things about me, and it can also be one of the worst things about me. But now, almost overnight, my perspective has been even more narrowed. I just want to get straight to the bottom line. Only a few things really matter, quite a lot of other things don't matter much at all.

People matter. Families matter. Time matters. Jesus matters.

It's also super-easy to forget the things that matter and to self-focus. It is, after all, ME who is sick. I am the one who has to deal with stuff no one my age should have to think about: hospice services, wills and other legal documents, funeral arrangements. Sometimes my pain can be managed, other times it is unbearable. Nearly everything I do requires hard work: showering, helping with 4th grade fractions, explaining my decisions/feelings to everyone. My life has been turned upside down by this wretched Sickness.

( Quick story: When Goliath was three, Seester and I had a garage sale at our parents' house. While we were working ourselves to death in the Houston hellish inferno weather, Goliath and Abby Dog were watching us from a window. Thus, my small son witnessed the patrons who wheeled his tiny bicycle out of my parents' garage and tried to buy it from us. His comment to his Nana: "Those are wretched, wretched people!" That is how 'wretched' came to be one of my very favorite words of all time.)

"These are uphill, into-the-wind challenges you are facing. They are not easy. But neither are they random. God is not sometimes sovereign. He is not occasionally victorious. He does not occupy the throne one day and vacate it the next. "The Lord shall not turn back until He has executed and accomplished the thoughts and intents of His mind" (Jeremiah 30:24). This season in which you find yourself may puzzle you, but it does not bewilder God. He can and will use it for his purpose." --Max Lucado, You'll Get Through This

It's not about me at all. Some days, like today, I need to breathe deeply and take a few steps back in order to get a clear picture. This Sickness--this life--is not at all what I thought it would be. I didn't plan on this or want this or even see it coming. But my uprooted plans and my changing circumstances do not change who God is. Not one little bit. He remains the same, whether I have a "good" day and I feel like my old self, or a bad day, and I barely manage to brush my teeth. (Hmmm...did I brush my teeth this morning?) He is sovereign. He is good. He intends great things for me, and he is determined to see them through to completion. There is comfort in that for me.

Truth be told, I've hated this day. It's dark out now, and I will be glad to go to sleep and put it behind me. Tomorrow, my new hospice nurse is making her first official visit. I'm not sure I'm exactly looking forward to that either, but I am certain that my Jesus has already gone ahead and paved the way. Just as he made provision for Hubby's new job, he will take care of this new chapter of the journey.

Don't you wonder how people who don't have Jesus get through life? I think about that all the time. My darkest days are still lined with victory. I hope that you know him, friend. I am so grateful that I can have hope to fall back on when the days are overwhelming. I'm so thankful that all the pieces of my life are in his hands. Tomorrow is a new day. Great is his faithfulness.

Uplifted by God's hands. That's what I think about when I read your words. You, stranger, have effected my life. My family has continued to pray for your family. Praising God for the job. He is always good.

I often try to comment and it won't go through, but I'm hoping it does today. I'm praying for you. Without knowing you I love you as a sister in Christ. My heart aches for what you're dealing with, but I am so so very thankful that you know our Lord personally. I, too, often wonder how people get through life without Jesus. How does it work? How do they not live every single day feeling defeated? I'm thankful for the relationship you have with him. I'm praying for His mercy, and grateful for your husband's new job. Blessings <3

Allison, you are so loved - by so many. So many prayers go up for you - I pray for you several times every day. I love the Lord with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my might. You have such courage and faith, I have learned so much from you. You are such an inspiration and teacher for so many of us. My heart aches for you and I wish there was something more that I could do for you. You are Loved.

I'm still praying for you and your family also, Allison. Your faith--especially through the darkest times, is an inspiration to me and so many others! Still, I can only imagine it has got to be hard for you...that you have days when the emotions threaten to overtake you. I praise God that NOTHING can touch your soul, your love for your family or your caring for others! My heart aches for you as you walk this path but simultaneously rejoices that you know HIM!!

I'm so glad to know about your husband's job. I am in awe at how graciously you are walking through the fire. May the glories of heaven outweigh all the suffering you are having to endure. Keeping you in my prayers.

Allison, you don't know me but I too have ovarian cancer ans see my life being shortened day by day by this dreadful disease. Your blog has kept me from drowning in this disease. You give me hope and peace at times when I need them most. You are a role model. God has used you to help me through this reality of life. I look at my children, 16 and 21 and cry just thinking about them and what I will miss in their lives. I Know we will be in heaven celebrating every milestone in their lives. God's got this has been my mantra since May 2012. I truly look forward to your posts. God bless you I truly know what you are going through.

Your words, tho sometimes sad feel me with much hope as you look beyond this life to the life to come. I'm a mom of 5...3 very significant special needs. One of them had a near drowning in '12 and now in a coma, being cared for at home. Some days all I can do is to hang on to eternity. You and your family are in my prayers. I wish there was a magic formula that erases the stain of this earth from our lives but I guess we will only know that in eternity.

I don't know you, but I worked with your cousin, Christina, at Baylor. Since she first posted a link to your blog I've been praying for you and reading your words. Your trust in the Lord during what has to be the darkest season of your life is truly awe-inspiring. Thank you, for using your story to share the Gospel with unbelievers. Thank you for speaking to my heart about the certainty of his Sovereignty. Thank you for allowing your pain to speak to all of us. Thank you for the reminder of just how small the body of Christ is. I don't know why God lets cancer sometimes win on this side of eternity, but I know without a doubt he is glorified in you. I will be praying for you, your husband, boys and your entire family.

Your faith and commitment to the Lord will influence your children and their children in their walk with God, not to mention all with whom you share your testimony. You and your family are in my prayers constantly.

Allison, you don't know me but I grew up and went to church at Oak Ridge Baptist. Sharon Shimshack post your blog and I have been reading. I have not gone all throughout but know what is happening today. You and your family have been in my prayers. I wanted to make a suggestion. As a nurse I know about meds but the Bible talks a lot about oils. Look through this website and Debra is a Holistic doctor. I pray that you will keep an open mind. My best for you and your family. You will continue to be in my prayers for the journey ahead. http://sharinggreathealth.com/

For you Beautiful one (under the leading of the Holy Spirit):Psalm 136 - Amen"Give thanks with a grateful heart, give thanks to the Holy One, give thanks because He has given Jesus Christ, His Son, and now let the weak say: I am strong, let the poor say: I am rich, because of what the Lord has done for us.""You are not a God created, Jesus, by human hands, You are not a God dependent, my Lord, on any mortal man; You are not a God in needs of anything we can give, by your plans that's just the way it is. You are God alone, Jesus, Yes, You are on your throne, for before time began You are on Your throne, Yes You are God alone; UNCHANGEABLE Jesus, UNSHAKABLE Jesus, UNSTOPABLE Jesus, That's what You are." Jesus Christ fights for His children as He fought for the people of Israel; He fights for the ones that He Loves. Amen

YOU are so thought of daily and we have never met. I know your mom through Children's ministry. My family has since moved to Palestine Texas but I send prayers for you daily to our gracious God. YOU are a BLESSING you beautiful daughter of Christ. God Bless

I can't begin to say thank you for your honesty and faith in our Savior. You have encouraged me in the struggles I am facing to hang on and keep trusting in HIM. Thank you..with prayers for you and your family.

I once heard a pastor say that he thinks when we each get to heaven, there will be a line of people who did something - anything, big or small, that directly or indirectly led to that person finding Jesus. I truly believe you will be spending your days in heaven occupying many, many lines. Your words and unshakeable faith have without a doubt touched many lives and pointed them to Jesus. God bless you and your family.