Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Navel Gazing

Apologies, but this will be a rather introspective post. I've been feeling a bit dreary lately, and while I could put it down to hormones or post-holiday blues, it feels like more than that. I had a minor meltdown on Sunday night, sobbing on The Man who dealt with it valiantly. Frustration and impatience seems to be the main problem at the moment. There are lots of major life changes on the brink of happening, and I want them to happen, but they're just not getting there, and it's driving me nuts! I'm so used to being a can-do get-done person that I obviously find it hard to cope when I can't influence situations and make them happen. So, I just have to sit and wait for the small sparkly ring and the new house, listening to the girls at work planning weddings and putting a brave smile on for all the people who keep saying, 'Has he proposed yet? Tell him to get a move on! Have you found a house yet? Yadda yadda yadda?' while inside a small (and apparently growing) part of me is screaming. That's another thing I've discovered about myself recently, I cope with stress by ignoring it and blanking it and blithely carrying on until finally I snap and crumple. This is not good. I need to find a way of monitoring the scale a bit better and doing something about it.

The worst part about the minor meltdown was that The Man was trying (quite rightly) to find out what was wrong, and how could I say, 'it's because I want to be engaged dammit! And I want somewhere to live that has a garden! It's you and the housing market conspiring against me!' Garbled snotty explanations at 11pm must try anyone's temper, but he weedled it out of me anyway, assured me that it definitely all would happen, laughed at my fog-horn nose blowing, and somehow made it all OK. And then next day when I got home from work, hugged me again and checked I was still back in the land of the sane. He is a trooper that one.

Still, there are those people who have asked the $64,000 question - why wait? Apparently my brother was sure The Man would propose while we were away in the States, and mum said my brother was actually quite cross that he didn't. My brother proposed to his wife after six months, and fully subscribes to the 'if you know, you know, so why wait?' school. I think I'm sort of a 'wait a bit and check you can live with their weird habits' person, but if that's all good, yes, why wait? We might get run over by a bus tomorrow, or struck down with some dread disease.

So anyway the upshot of the meltdown is that I feel like I've put pressure on The Man when that was the last thing I wanted to do. Like he said, a proposal should be a surprise. I want to feel that he's done it 100% because he wants to, and I don't want even a tiny bit of the motivation to be because he knows it's doing my head in that he hasn't yet. So now I feel guilty about that too. The rational part of me says that of course The Man wouldn't do anything he didn't want to do, he's almost as stubborn as me and won't be pushed around, but hey, there you go.

Anyway, I must shake my shoulders, give myself a kick up the arse and cheer up, because it's really small fry in the great scheme of things, and life coaching training starts at the weekend. Who wants a gloomy melancholic life coach?

I'm sorry you've been feeling down and I'm sorry for being such a crap friend and for my absence.

There is great wisdom in not worrying about the things we cannot change. But it's hard! I just tell myself that I live in perfect universe and everything happens in perfect timing, when it's meant to - divine timing and all that.

Trust that the right house is there for you, it will come, when it is ready to come. Same with the proposal. I understand that you are hungry for the next stage, but maybe enjoy this one for a little longer, because it will change, everything does, and it will be gone and there is much to appreciate in it.

Finally, all those people who ask you those questions, tell them to fuck off because it's none of their cunting business.

Bless you KT, try not to get yourself worked up - i did just that with El & it did kinda take the shine off it when he did finally propose! (I was convinced he'd do it punting on the Cam - the thought had never crossed his mind!) He's a keeper & I believe in him x