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arse-kicking, saracens, effiency and blessings, on force multipliers, giving the Lord a helping hand, battle-maps historical and otherwise, an anniversary, historical merit, amphibious landings, bad use of gorilla suits, baiting a trap, the trap is triggered, an unkindness of ravens, waiting for the storm, the storm, an unfortunate lack of speed, blackest defeat, opportunists emboldened, a return from the wars, a mass slaughter, letting war fund war, a glorious return, victory. Boat Anchors and runestones.

Welcome back, class.

We left Erik I as he was haring off to Alexandria, anxious to be the first Christian ruler to take up the cross and kick saracen arse in the name of God. And to get some respite from his family. Opposing him was the might of the Shia sultanate, at the time one of the mightiest realms on earth whose vast possessions were capable of fielding some five or six times the manpower of Denmark and England combined once raised by their sultan.

But it is one thing to be able to raise a huge army and quite another to wield it as an effective weapon and Erik I marched with the blessing of the Pope himself. The favour of God is as much of a force multiplier as anybody needs, but Erik I, who was no dummy, emptied the treasury to hire mercenaries to bolster the united Danish-English forces, increasing his army by a third, for he preferred giving the Lord a helping hand where possible.

Today's lecture will focus on the course of the war's progress by means of tactical battle-maps lovingly recreated in the 19th century for the 800th anniversary of the 1st crusade by order of the Danish general staff, in what can best be described as a bout of misplaced romanticism. Based primarily on wild extrapolation from a handful of primary sources and wilder guesses, it is of dubious historical merit, but it matches the few recorded dates and tell a great patriotic story of war against enemies both internal and external, and which student could reasonably ask for more?

1095 – the 1st Crusade Begins

The Danish troops deployed directly on the Egyptian coast, advance groups invading Alexandria and Al Alamayn with as much enthusiasm as Stuyvesant and Lenny beating up the town drunk, “just because”, while wearing gorilla suits over pink underwear. Don't try looking innocent – the police chief is a friend of mine and I saw the pictures. You'd be a disgrace for this institution if it still had any pride, so I guess you lucked out there. But I digress.

Invasion, April 1095

The initial landings were sufficient to draw the Shia sultanate's nearest army into responding in force, attacking the landing party in Alexandria, that they outnumbered three to one, correctly calculating that the army from Al Alayn wouldn't be able to arrive soon enough to rescue the troops in Alexandria from destruction.

Battle in Alexandria, May 20, 1095

Hardly had they engaged the few defenders, than Erik landed the third of his army, which had been kept on the ships just out of sight and the odds changed in favour of the Danes. Finally the army from Al Alamayn arrived and what had been a running battle turned into a slaughter, as the saracens were tiring and seriously outnumbered. The might of Danish chivalry charged and the dead saracens covered the desert like a gory blanket, their bodies made food for the ravens.

If ravens lived in the desert, which they don't, but it is the thought that counts.

It Is a Trap! May 29, 1095

With the destruction of the only organised saracen force in theatre attained, king Erik set out to occupy the countryside while waiting for the sultanate to call the weapontake of the realm. With his fleets patrolling the coasts, a number of small armies moving along the coast were spotted in good time and intercepted by quick landings in hostile territory.

Given the speed of communication in those days, the sultanate reacted with commendable swiftness to the invasion and the saracens grand muster began in July.

Shia Raising Troops! July 22, 1095

This had been planned for. While the battle-hardened coastal invasion army kept up swatting minor force concentrations, Erik directed a substantial army of near 3000 men to rapidly redeploy to the Sinai, where it would prevent minor contingents from the East in joining the Alexandrine battles and likewise prevent broken saracen survivors of those battles from retreating to regroup in safety.

Embark the Interdiction Force, July 30, 1095

Disembark the Interdiction Force, August 25, 1095

So far all of Erik's plans had borne fruit. Saracen casualties were a dozen times the Danish casualties all all saracen attempts to gather significant armies had been nipped in the bud. But the Shia sultanate was deep indeed and the unbelievers ever ready to fight for their false god. Gathering strength in the far reaches of Ethiopia, a new shia army was on the march for Egypt and it was only discovered at the borders of the duchy of Alexandria. Composed of hordes of light cavalry, the Danish force in Gizeh fell under immediate threat from the advancing horde in September, 1095.

Egyptian Army Gathered in the South! Sep 7, 1095

Alerted too late to the threat, the Danish army was unable to escape and set down to preparing defensive fortifications. Like an unstoppable force of nature, the Egyptian army force marched into Gizeh and caught up with the Danish army. The battle stood at Abu Rowash.

Battle of Abu Rowash! Nov 18, 1095

The outcome was a disaster – the worst disaster of king Erik's reign. When the stragglers returned to Alexandria, from which he was directing the campaign, his habitual merriment was subsumed by a black rage. It is said that he descended upon the dungeons and carried out experiments on the saracen prisoners for a full three days before resting, inaugurating many innovative interrogation techniques that remain of value in the disciplining of students of the school of hard knocks to this very day.

When news of the defeat reached England, much of the remaining English nobility rose in arms against the conqueror. Lancaster, Norfolk, and Hereford all rose, and a few opportunistic counts rose with them. With such a great threat back home, king Erik saw no choice but to immediately withdraw all forces save garrisons from Alexandria, sailing for England at maximum speed while the Company of the Rose was hired in Denmark and sent to slow the tide of rebellion, making the rebels pay for every success until reinforcements could arrive.

Battle Score Jan 4, 1096

King Erik was wroth indeed. He had left many good men to die garrisoning the Alexandrine conquests with an impossible mission: Holding out until his promised return. As he lost sight of shore he swore a mighty oath that ere the year was out, he'd return with greater numbers to avenge the fallen.

And the saracens moved in to cut up the remains.

By May 1096, the first major reinforcements arrived in England.

First Reinforcements Arrive in England, May 25, 1096

Four months of bloody warfare broke the power of the English dukes for a generation as the veterans of the crusade sacked cities and holdings straight across the country. Counties were stripped and huge ransoms set for the lives of the dukes. Norfolk was the last duke to surrender, in August 1096, and his defeat marked the end of an era. The frequent rebellions that had plagued Harald and Erik since the conquest were at an end and it would be a full two decades before any Saxon noble dared act openly against the king again.

Norfolk last rebel! Aug 27, 1096

1096 – the 1st Crusade Resumes

Flush with money from the ransoms that had beggared the saxon nobility, king Erik hired the Company of the Hat, assembled the levies once again, and set sail for Egypt.

Returning to Egypt! Sep 17, 1096

As expected, Gizeh had been reconquered by the sultanate and the sultan's troops were moving in on Alexandria itself, but they were too slow, too slow, spending time on mopping up the fortified holdings in Buhairya and Quattara. The armed might of Denmark-Norway and the remnants of four mercenary companies landed in Alexandria, relieved the garrison, and prepared to take the battle to the enemy.

Army of Vengeance. Nov 27, 1096

Marching south, the army of vengeance encountered the sultanate's main army in Buhairya, and skirmishes broke out along the line of advance.

Battle of Qasr Farfra. Dec 8, 1096

Over 18 days the armies skirmished, feinted, and fought, and in the God's will was made manifest: In the great battle of Qasr Farfra, the ignominous defeat of Abu Rowash was avenged and Erik the Merry's reputation as a warlord secured for all time. While not the most strategically brilliant or tactically adept, he stuck to his last come hell or high water, and he let nothing stop him short of victory.

VICTORY IN BATTLE! Dec 26 1096

The outcome so impressed the sultan, that he chose to succumb to the inevitable and acknowledged the sovereignty of Erik over all of Alexandria.

1st CRUSADE WON. Jan 7, 1097

With the crusade succesfully concluded, king Erik set about ordering his new distant possession. First he renamed the primary fortified castle, “Fort Dannevang”, to remind the saracens of who was the boss.

Renaming the Largest Fort in Alexandria! 1097

Then he appointed counts of Al Alamayn, Quattara, and Buhairya, keeping Alexandria for himself.

And finally, to set a duke to govern the duchy in the name of the king, a man without the imagination or inclination to rebel so far from the king's oversight, and a man he wouldn't mind living far away from the Danish court, he set his nephew Bjørn, who became Bjørn I, Boat Anchor of Alexandria.

Thus started the long and occasionally stark raving mad line of the Dukes of Alexandria.

Class dismissed.

Last edited by Peter Ebbesen; 03-05-2012 at 08:27.

Finally got around to writing a list of my AARs in the inkwell.
For those interested in Dominions 4 (SP or MP), we organize the Wrinkletoes games and answer general questions related to the game in this thread.
Current ongoing Wrinkletoes 3 Dom4 game's list of players: linky.

Let me quote from the famous play, “The Prince and the Peasant”, which is part of Danish traditional culture and, as such, probably unknown to those who have attended the modern school, which prides itself on ignorance of the past:

Hats off to you, what follows is one of the most amusing things I've read on this forum! I'm glad to see that Bjorn has been given a suitably important position within the Kingdom too, a man of his great ability well suited to the role of Boat Anchor of Alexandria.

I'd rather know more of the gorilla suits and pink underwear, but Stark Raving Mad Boat Anchors will do too...

It's not that funny a story. As far as I remember, at least. At least, I think I remember that night...

"Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion." - Peter Kennedy, A Guide to Econometrics, MIT Press, 1992, p. 7.

"A popular Government without popular information, or the means of acquiring it, is but a Prologue to a Farce or a Tragedy, or perhaps both. Knowledge will forever govern ignorance: And a people who mean to be their own Governors, must arm themselves with the power which knowledge gives." - James Madison

The Danish troops deployed directly on the Egyptian coast, advance groups invading Alexandria and Al Alamayn with as much enthusiasm as Stuyvesant and Lenny beating up the town drunk, “just because”, while wearing gorilla suits over pink underwear. Don't try looking innocent – the police chief is a friend of mine and I saw the pictures. You'd be a disgrace for this institution if it still had any pride, so I guess you lucked out there. But I digress.

Whilst it would not do to cast aspersions on our esteemed lecturer of such renown, one has to wonder if perhaps there is some partaking of mind-expanding substances at the faculty level of this institution.

Why, I have several reliable, hand-picked witnesses who will swear on their mother's graves that I was utterly not at all present at the night of that incident, instead being engaged in serving food to at the local orphanage for paraplegic war refugees... Their silent dignity is such an inspiration to all of us who are so much better off.

<Dabs a tear from his eye>

The fact that said witnesses are employed and serve at will in my father's vast media empire has no bearing whatsoever on the veracity of their statements.

Furthermore, I believe that you will find that the chief of police was forced to resign after the recent publication of highly embarrasing photos (involving a canoe, two penguins and a roll of duct tape), uncovered by my father's noble journalists, always searching for truth and justice. Oh, and I understand the police department is having some problems with increased insurance premiums, after the unexplained fire that devastated the evidence room.

Now that this unfortunate misunderstanding has been cleared up, I would like to commend the Professor on his sober, even-handed description of the events of the First Crusade. The institution of the Duchy of Alexandria (and its Dukes) should prove to be particularly interesting. After wrecking the second of my father's yachts, I can attest to the importance of having a sturdy boat anchor.

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.-Isa 41:10For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.-John 3:16
-------------------------------My machine specs: i7 2600 @ 3.4 GHz, 16 GB DDR3 RAM, Radeon HD6870 with 1 GB RAM, Windows 7 64-bit
-------------------------------
My new AAR: Norgesveldet - A history of the Norwegian kings

As much as it pains me to say it, Stuyvesant is telling the truth. I was there that night while he was serving up dollops of gruel to the poor misfortunate refugees. I remember it so clearly because it was the night a young fair haired waif walked from the back of the room to stand before Stuyvesant, holding an empty bowl in his small frail hands. He sniffed and in a quiet sweet voice asked.

“May I have another bowl of gruel kind sir”?

I have to admit I gave the little tyke a tip of the hat in admiration for having the balls to say that to a mad man wearing a gorilla suit over pink underwear but… I digress.

So King Eric managed to put down a serious rebellion and win a war. And if I read correctly he paid for the war from the ransom he received for the nobles in England? And there was enough left over to start building or expanding a fort? Seems like a lot of money is flowing into the Kings coffers.

I’m even going to be more surprised if he manages to hold on to his gains in Egypt.

I have to admit I gave the little tyke a tip of the hat in admiration for having the balls to say that to a mad man wearing a gorilla suit over pink underwear but… I digress.

Curses! I would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling kids... er... that old guy from Seattle. Well played, Joe, well played.

Professor, for the benefit of the non-native Danish speakers in this class (I am an exchange student, after all), what exactly is the meaning of 'Dannevang'? This seems to have some symbolic meaning, which sadly currently eludes me.

Curses! I would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling kids... er... that old guy from Seattle. Well played, Joe, well played.

Professor, for the benefit of the non-native Danish speakers in this class (I am an exchange student, after all), what exactly is the meaning of 'Dannevang'? This seems to have some symbolic meaning, which sadly currently eludes me.

Danne means "Danish" or "the Danes", Vang means field. So the literal translation is "The field of the Danes".

Zebediah - there will be no questions on the exam requiring students to possess actual knowledge.

morningSIDEr - we aim to please; I could wish that this was the end of the story of the boat anchor, but his line was to provide much aggravation down the years.

murmurandus and lenny - since lenny seems to have lost his memory, for further details on the gorilla incident, ask your fellow student Nikolai or Storey. Do not ask Stuyvesant; his memory is flawed.

------

...On the Dannevang issue, Leisner is entirely right. Dannevang literally means "the the field of the Danes"; Compare with e.g. "Dannebrog" (the Danish flag), "Dannevirke" (the ancient Danish defensive works in Slesvig-Holstein cutting off Denmark from Germany), and, of course, "Danmark" itself.

"Fort Dannevang" was invented for this AAR as a name that national romantics might reasonably choose for a fortification and Danish settlement of that age if the original name had been lost or was uninspiring, e.g. "a new start in a new field of the Danes". In real history, "Dannevang" was used by B.S. Ingemann, a Danish vicar, poet, novelist, and hymn writer, in his eponymous work. He's most famous as one of the four great Danish hymn writers, and his song, "Dannevang", is a paean to Denmark and the Danes focusing on all the priceless treasures of Denmark... written in the immediate aftermath of the Danish state bankruptcy of 1813-14.

Next update is tentatively scheduled for Saturday.

Finally got around to writing a list of my AARs in the inkwell.
For those interested in Dominions 4 (SP or MP), we organize the Wrinkletoes games and answer general questions related to the game in this thread.
Current ongoing Wrinkletoes 3 Dom4 game's list of players: linky.

How and where did everyone learn that the underwear was pink, if the gorilla suit was *over* it?

Jonathan Fisher

<Ahem> "Wardrobe malfunction". Not that I would know first-hand, of course, having been thoroughly not involved in any gorilla suit shenanigans, but poor lenny... well, I can fully understand how he would claim temporary amnesia after such an incident...

As to my fellow student Leisner and our esteemed lecturer, thank you both for the translation as well as the intricacies behind it. This will certainly help to sharpen my understanding of the glorious history of the Danes.

Is there any hope that the Nile trade could produce some Gorillas to bring back to Tivoli, now that we have Alexandria? We've got to have some animal wonders for the folks back at home, and I'm sure there are some talented tailors and dyesmiths who could dress up the apes.

derring-do, ancient humour and appreciation thereof, work for a genius, family concerns, teenagers and hormones, tranquillity on campaign remembered, the snake and the princess, the lion and the duchess, the goat and the countess, the rest of the brood, capricious justice, a man of law, the builder, an absurd logistical problem, tourist nonsense, cleaning,

Welcome back, class.

We return to the tale of derring-do and domestic worries interrupted so rudely by the muzzling of the dogs of war last week; Yes, my students, it is time to look at Erik the Merry and his post-crusade years.

The year is 1097 and Erik has returned home to Denmark after installing the Boat Anchor as Duke of the Alexandria duchy, ruling it from his seat in Gizeh, or as Erik is said to have joked, “Reverse Ultima Thule”.

The art of humour wasn't all that advanced at the time, so.. Oh, do stop laughing, Zebediah. It wasn't that funny.

Alexandria itself remained in Erik's possession and to balance the manifest moronity of Gizeh, Erik appointed one of Denmark's wisest men, the genius Ture of Danzig, to the rule the county of Quattara.

Family Life: Go Forth!

Now that Erik had time to settle down, he looked upon his brood and found it good. The children were reaching adulthood and if there was one thing to lament, it was that they were exceedingly noisy. His eldest was Gunhild, the apple of his eye, and she was followed by Lennart, Christian, Christoffer, Benedikt, and Ernst, true Estridsens one and all; Aggressive, brave, and ready to seize the world by the throat.

Soon Erik, desiring nothing so much as a return to the tranquillity from domestic disputes he'd enjoyed on campaign, where people might very well be trying to kill him on a daily basis, but at least didn't expect him to have to listen to them, began considering marrying off the children as fast as legally possible.

His first son, Lennart, who was the nominated elective heir to Denmark and the heir by primogeniture to England had been left at home during the crusade, and he bitterly resented the missed opportunity to wield his lance in the service of Denmark and win honour on the battlefield. A viper of the first order, he was a man of many parts, never satisfied with virtue, never content with vice.

So Erik I married him off to princess Adelheid of the Holy Roman Empire and made him count of Blekinge in 1097. They were 16 years old, the world was their oyster, their marriage-bed the Baltic Sea, and their stormy relationship best described by that dreadful poem, “Lennart and Adelheid”, using what can best be described as excessive nautical terminology. We'll return to Lennart later.

His second son, Christian, was born a year after Lennart, and shared Lennart's virtues with none of his vices. In the time of Erik's father or grandfather, he'd have been an obvious candidate for the Danish crown, bypassing Lennart, but with the English crown going to Lennart, Erik had no desire to split the realm. He also didn't particularly want Christian around to remind Lennart of his inadequacies.

So in 1098, when Christian came of age, Erik I married him off to Duchess Helvis of Burgundy, who had also just come off age. They were both 16 years old, and their love was an affair of state. She loved him so much that she appointed him bishop of Autum, but he didn't let that prevent him from fulfilling his duty as an Estridsen, spearheading the entry of the house Estridsen in the nobility of France.

The third son, Christoffer, was married to countess Muriel of Cumberland, which was then in Scottish hands, marking the entry of house Estridsen in Scotland in 1103.

The fourth son, Benedikt, was appointed count of Middlesex and given the Duchy of Bedford after the failure of the rebellion of 1103.

Finally the fifth son, Ernst, was given the province of Latgale after the Livonian war.

As for his dearest Gunhild, she was married to an unusually able commoner, one of the king's New Men, and shipped off with him when he was appointed count of Al Alamayn.

Civilization: The Builder

Map of Europe, 1099

The reign of Erik I, the Merry, is famed for the capricious justice enforced by the whim of the king, but at heart king Erik was a man of law, liked by most of his people and many of his vassals.

King Erik I, Returned From Crusade 1097 A.D.

Flush from crusade, he instituted medium crown authority in Denmark and ordered the construction of the first Danish university, the university of Copenhagen, and called a great tournament to honour the Danish victory.

Medium Crown Authority

University of Copenhagen

He let his vassals to brawl against themselves, never lifting a finger so long as they kept the matter internal. The greatest example of this would be Harold the saxon's war for Somerset, which was held by prince Niels Estridsen. Harold thought he'd be able to take Niels' title by force, but Niels rallied his brothers and cousins and together they smacked down the saxon.

Harold the Saxon's War for Somerset (1097-1099)

He only ordered the levies raised twice; First for the quashing of the Oxford rebellion in 1103, and later the conquest of Latgale in Livonia, when he needed a county to give his youngest son, Ernst, in 1108,

Very Short Oxford Rebellion, 1103

He devoted the rest of his life to improving his realm, ever building, ever looking for opportunities. Not least of his accomplishments was the construction of the new city of Vordingborg in Sjælland and his masterstroke, the crowning glory of his old age, opposed by a unanimous council that saw it as an insane waste of money: the wholesale transportation of Danish colonists to Alexandria, the logistics of which operation even today are poorly understood.

Thousands of Danish men were transplanted to Alexandria over the course of a few years and the very culture of the region changed as the Egyptians chose to join the superior enlightened Danish culture rather than oppose it, the women, their husbands lost in war, greeting the Danes with open arms.

...

Or so it says in this tourist brochure from Alexandria I picked up on my last vacation, and whom am I to disagree with that semi-official history?

Thus I won't use the words ethnic cleansing, as that implies an interest in hygiene foreign to the times, but merely note that it was undoubtedly bloody, resistance futile, and divorces arranged at the point of a sword. As the old saying goes, “once a spear-Dane has breached the gates, what woman can refuse him?”

Murmurandus, stop drooling. It is dripping down subnormalized's neck, and that's not a pretty thing to watch.

Danish Alexandria, 1111

King Erik himself celebrated and made merry in Alexandria throughout the summer of 1111, partying as if he was the man of 42 who'd just won the crusade rather than the worn out man of 56, who'd only barely survived a bout with consumption, that he was, and his health was not longer up to the task. The great king, the first crusader, the merry man of Denmark, died August 28, 1111 and was succeeded by his son, Lennart, first of his name.

The King is Dead, Long Live the King!

King Lennart the kinslayer, the enemy of god, the devil's own, or, to quote Saxo rather than king Lennart's political enemies, the most evil man ever to sit the Danish throne.

The caliph, who had not dared fight Denmark after the crusade during the reign of Erik, wasted no time but declared that the time was ripe for the reconquest of Alexandria.

Last edited by Peter Ebbesen; 13-05-2012 at 23:08.

Finally got around to writing a list of my AARs in the inkwell.
For those interested in Dominions 4 (SP or MP), we organize the Wrinkletoes games and answer general questions related to the game in this thread.
Current ongoing Wrinkletoes 3 Dom4 game's list of players: linky.

Thed lecherer, err, lecturer sounds more and more as though he visits the red light district before teaching his less than enthusiastic students.

Gunhild, the apply of his eye would become Gudrun before she got married - unless that is they are twins of the secret variety. I think the lecturer means apple of his eye, though he may be insinuating something else about Erik the Merry as he did quoting the poem Erik and Adelheid, who married Lennart and not his older brother Erik.
This is one confusing brood.

Erik the Merry founded a University and got Alexandria to become Danish.

Lennart described as a kinslayer - was this brother Erik? - he's only just ascended the throne and the brothers did combine so well to put down Harold the Saxon. Just because Lennart is the most evil man in Danish history doesn't mean he isn't going to be an effective King.

Thed lecherer, err, lecturer sounds more and more as though he visits the red light district before teaching his less than enthusiastic students.

Gunhild, the apply of his eye would become Gudrun before she got married - unless that is they are twins of the secret variety. I think the lecturer means apple of his eye, though he may be insinuating something else about Erik the Merry as he did quoting the poem Erik and Adelheid, who married Lennart and not his older brother Erik.
This is one confusing brood.

Errrr.... I meant that, totally, I really did.

Typos, elaborate and otherwise, fixed.

The installment should make somewhat more sense now.

Finally got around to writing a list of my AARs in the inkwell.
For those interested in Dominions 4 (SP or MP), we organize the Wrinkletoes games and answer general questions related to the game in this thread.
Current ongoing Wrinkletoes 3 Dom4 game's list of players: linky.

Just the screenshot of all the arrows converging on rebellious Oxford was entertaining to see.

How did Lennart end up being a kinslayer - I didn't read any notices of suspicious deaths amongst his siblings and his father's death seemed reasonable and natural as well... Well, regardless of how he earned the reputation, fighting off the Caliphate should be an interesting exercise, what with the automatically earned hatred of his vassals that Lennart will have to deal with - small levies and large rebellions, I imagine.