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Is two months’ time since announcement of promotion and relegation for 2015 season. Fans of Ball State, Kent State, Bowling Green, and Northern Illinois – teams relegated to Tier 2 – is now silent, staring at cold ground with feeling of shame, drying tears, and accepting of fate.

As contrast, fans of Colorado State, Appalachian State, Texas State, and UTEP – teams promoted to Tier 1 – is finishing celebration and is now suffering from bad pokhmel’ye. Here is tip – best cure for headache and discomfort of intestines is raw cabbage.

Today is day of Tier 1 realignment announcement (see new 2015 map). Every season, after some teams is moving down due to relegation, or moving up due to promotion, is necessary to redistribute all Tier 1 teams into districts making most geographic sense. This is minimizing travel, and reducing artificial “rivalry” with teams from very far away.

And yet, sometimes shifting is causing disruption for close, traditional rival teams, such as Virginia (District 1) and Virginia Tech (District 2), or Indiana (District 3) and Purdue (District 5). Genius schedule of Commie Football is fixing this, designating Week 11 game for traditional rivals not already on schedule.

Here is list showing changes to districts and divisions for 2015 season. Team names in bold is moving to new district, while team names in italic is moving to opposite division of same district:

DISTRICT 1: Is nothing new. Is same teams in same divisions for four seasons consecutive, creating many ferocious regional rival games.

DISTRICT 3: Many changes in this District after relegation of Ball State, Bowling Green, and Kent State to Tier 2. Also, due to changes elsewhere, Notre Dame is moving to District 5. To replace these four teams is Kentucky from District 2, plus Arkansas State, Memphis, and Vanderbilt from District 4. Many is questioning logic of Arkansas State playing in same District as Michigan Wolverines, but look at map and see if this is not making most sense! Also, Cincinnati, Ohio Bobcats, and defending champion Ohio State is shifting to North division.

DISTRICT 4: Domino effect of promotion & relegation is also making impact in this District, which is losing three teams to District 3 (see above). Replacing departed teams is Louisiana-Lafayette, LSU, and Louisiana Tech, all from District 6 last season.

DISTRICT 6: Is experiencing many changes, losing three teams to District 4 and one team to District 7. In turn, is taking three teams from District 7, and also adding Texas State, new promotion from Tier 2. Is also switching to North/South divisions.

DISTRICT 7: Biggest change is addition of two teams being promoted from Tier 2 – 2014 champion Colorado State and UTEP. Also is adding UTSA from District 6 after relinquishing the three Oklahoma SSR teams to that District. Changes is also causing Air Force to fly from North to South division.

Due to promotion and relegation, Tier 2 is area of greatest upheaval each off-season, adding and losing teams to both Tier 1 and Tier 3. In next post, realignment for upcoming 2015 season will be presented.

INTERN UPDATE

Soon, Intern Bobby will make return to home University of Harvard in Massachusetts SSR. I am making arrangement for his departure on Mil Mi-24 gunship helicopter, which is delivering shipment of supplies to secret location close to emergency secondary headquarters, in few weeks’ time. In meanwhile, Bobby is spending many hours in hot tub. I am also sometimes seeing Bobby making strange faces at own reflection in two-way mirror, unaware as I am watching from other side. Perhaps next American intern is demonstrating more intelligence. Also, more physical strength and speed, for carrying firewood and hunting wild animals for food.

Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking in failure attempt to email to me, when Bobby is locked outside hatch door during freezing night, due to emergency secondary headquarters security computer system becoming temporary infected with spirit of Condoleezza Rice.

Last month, Commie Football is announcing details of promotion and relegation between Tier 1 and Tier 2 for upcoming 2015 season. Is exciting day for fans of Colorado State Rams, Texas State Bobcats, Appalachian State, and UTEP – four teams who are moving up to Tier 1 after successful 2014 season on Tier 2. But is also very bad day for fans of Bowling Green, Northern Illinois, Kent State, and Ball State, who will move down one level after ugly 2014 season.

RISE TO TIER 2:

DROP TO TIER 3:

DEAD, LIKE TROTSKY:

In Commie Football, promotion and relegation is process to ensure every team is playing on appropriate level, to maximize fair competition. Two critical measures – on-field performance as measured by Top Power rank, and off-field program strength as measured by attendance data – determine fate and ultimate playing level of each team every season.

But in order for Soviet supercomputer to make proper score calculation every week, is necessary to also promote and/or relegate teams on very low Tier 3 and Tier 4 levels. Today is day of great joy for some! Also, is day of many tears for others.

Because of successful 2014 season on Tier 3 level, here is list of five teams receiving promotion from Tier 3 to Tier 2 for 2015 season:

Alcorn State Braves (Lorman, Mississippi SSR)

Grambling State Tigers (Grambling, Louisiana SSR)

Mercer Bears (Macon, Georgia SSR)

Morgan State Bears (Baltimore, Maryland SSR)

Western Carolina Catamounts (Cullowhee, South Carolina SSR)

Here is list of four teams receiving relegation notice, dropping from Tier 2 to Tier 3:

Elon Phoenix (1-11) – After consecutive 1-11 seasons, is time for Elon to move down to level where competition is more, how you are saying? More easy?

Southern Utah Thunderbirds (4-8) – Like Siberia, many areas of Utah SSR is not having many people living. Perhaps this is why SUU is attracting barely 3,000 fans per game. 6-6 record is saving Thunderbirds from relegation after 2013 season, but team is not good enough in 2014.

Tennessee-Martin Skyhawks (3-9) – 2013 was first season for UTM on Tier 2 level, when team was finishing surprise 9-3 and almost making playoffs. But low attendance during bad 2014 season is dooming team for return to Tier 3.

UC Davis Aggies (1-11) – UCD is bad team for three seasons consecutive on Tier 2 level, so now is time to try for better outcome on Tier 3.

Oh, and also do not forget about UAB Blazers (5-7), who is meeting same fate as Leon Trotsky and will be playing no more college football on any level in 2015!

Yeah, so the other day, Georgy sends me outside to get more firewood for one of the furnaces, so I’m out there, like, all paranoid about another wild raccoon attack. So of course, when I come back with my arms full of like, sticks and stuff, the hatch door is totally locked. I start banging on it and yelling for Georgy to open the door, and there’s like, no answer. Then this weird voice comes over the intercom: “I’m sorry, Bobby. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” and I’m all like, WHAAA? and I go “What’s your problem, Georgy? Stop messing around!” because I figured he was still mad from when I went all catatonic last month, and then the voice comes on again, and it goes, “I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.” and then I’m like – wait a minute, because the voice is speaking perfect English and it sounds like a woman, and I’m like – OMG is that freakin’ Condoleezza Rice talking?

Long story short – I had to spend the night outside, freezing my tush off under this torn-up camouflage tarp I found, and Georgy *finally* comes looking for me at sunrise, and claims he knows nothing about the hatch door thing. Annoying!

Anyway, my internship ends in a few weeks (I think?). I guess I’m having like, sorta mixed feelings about it? On the one hand, I’ve learned a lot. Granted, I’m not really sure I’ll get Harvard credit for things like tracking and killing wild turkey with a machete, or gutting and prepping a raccoon carcass. Or, chipping huge blocks of ice from an active computer server without electrocuting myself.

On the other hand, Boston probably did get a lot less snow this winter than whatever part of Russia I’m in right now, amirite?

Further down – in nether regions of American college football – here is list of teams receiving promotion up to Tier 3 from Tier 4:

Alderson-Broaddus Battlers

Bentley Falcons

East Tennessee State Buccaneers

Kennesaw State Owls

Limestone Saints

McKendree Bearcats

Mississippi College Choctaws

New Mexico Highlands Cowboys

Northwood Timberwolves

Notre Dame (OH) Falcons

Paine Lions

West Liberty Hilltoppers

West Virginia Wesleyan Bobcats

Western Oregon Wolves

And here is list of teams receiving relegation notice, moving down from Tier 3 to Tier 4:

Adams State Grizzlies

Brevard Tornados

Chowan Hawks

Clarion Golden Eagles

Lane Dragons

McMurry War Hawks

Merrimack Warriors

Minnesota State–Moorhead Dragons

Minot State Beavers

Northeastern State Riverhawks

South Dakota Mines Hardrockers

Southern Connecticut State Fighting Owls

Urbana Blue Knights

FUTURE ACTIVITIES OF OFFSEASON

Next during offseason is geographic realignment of districts and divisions, based on team movement between Tiers during promotion/relegation phase. When this is complete, updated team map is being revealed. Then, is new schedule for 2015 season.

Oh, and is also almost time to purchase print advertisement for new college intern, in American newspaper. Perhaps I am making Bobby write this.

Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking, showing vision of Condoleezza in rare-used corridor of emergency secondary headquarters. Bobby is having long conversation, but is not telling me what Condi is saying, which is making me very angry. VERY VERY ANGRY.

When Commie Football season is ending following Tier 1 and Tier 2 championship games, is natural for to become quiet here at emergency secondary headquarters. In past years, is taking perhaps two or three weeks to make repairs to exterior structure, due to harsh winter climate. Then is many days of hunting wild game in deep forest in order to replenish food storage. Then is perhaps one week more in hyperbaric sleep chamber, for body to repair from injuries of football season. Then, is time for running Soviet supercomputer algorithm to determine promotion and relegation for next season.

What is this meaning? At end of every Commie Football season, some teams is earning promotion from Tier 2 to Tier 1 for next season. Also opposite, some teams is moving down from Tier 1 to Tier 2 in process called relegation. Is very common system to European professional sport league, but is never popular in American sport leagues. Until Commie Football is bringing!

But this is unusual offseason. First, is endless snowstorm and extreme cold temperature, strange even for remote Russia. This is freezing and destroying communications equipment, preventing contact with outside world. Second, is eerie quiet in headquarters, with only sound of low hum in server chamber (and perhaps faint sound of dissonant violins).

All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy.

Third, is strange behavior of Intern Bobby. After overflowing hot tub like wild animal at end-of-season celebration, Bobby is then forgetting to make critical final season standings and Top Power rankings updates to website. Later, I am discovering missing emergency food supplies, half eaten in Bobby’s chamber wastebasket. Is he finding secret way to pick lock on food storage chamber? Is impossible! Lock is always secure. Also, review of security camera footage is showing that Bobby is in his own chamber most hours.

Finally, I am one day hearing Bobby speaking in corridor. When I am looking, Bobby is standing at one end of long passage, speaking to someone at opposite end, saying “forever and ever and ever.” Wave of excitement is overtaking me as I am seeing vision of Condoleezza Rice at other end of hallway.

In this vision, Condi is beautiful and smiling, but not waving hello. Then is sudden disappearing! I am shaking Bobby by shoulders, screaming “What is Condoleezza saying?! What is latest news on mission to undermine corrupt, inferior College Football Playoff system?!” But Bobby is only staring into distance, never telling what she is having said to him! This is more evidence of Bobby being simple-minded, spoiled American rebenok!

But please, let us return to promotion and relegation. Here is moment you are waiting. Is four teams making leap from Tier 2 to Tier 1 for next football season:

RISE TO TIER 1:

Colorado State Rams (15-1, #1) – After glorious victory in Tier 2 championship game, CSU is now returning to Tier 1 level after three seasons on lower level. Here is good question – is CSU now strongest football program in Colorado SSR? Rivalry games against Colorado Buffs and Air Force Falcons is now again possible.

Texas State Bobcats (12-3, #3) – Many college football fans is never hearing of this team. But Texas State is emerging from crazy difficult District 7 West division and advancing to Round 3 of playoffs, before losing to eventual runner-up Western Kentucky.

Appalachian State Mountaineers (11-3, #7) – WVU is not only Mountaineers in Tier 1! Appalachian State is rebounding from two losing seasons to become District 2 champion and advance to Round 2 of playoffs, where is losing Texas State. Average attendance is also very strong.

UTEP Miners (9-3, #10) – Is perhaps most surprising team to receive promotion, but UTEP is powerful team, only missing playoffs due to great season of Texas State. Average attendance is also higher than many teams already on Tier 1.

Some fans is asking – where is Tier 2 runner-up team WKU? Georgia Southern? Western Michigan, who is remaining unbeaten until losing in first round of playoffs? This is where average attendance is critical measurement. Western Kentucky is having very good season, but as 2013 Tier 2 champion Mean Green of North Texas and runner-up Buffalo Bulls is learning one year ago, not every team advancing to championship is automatic receiving promotion invitation! All Tier 1 teams must have certain level of support from fans.

Now, with four teams receiving promotion, must also four teams receive delegation. Is sad, redrum day for these teams, who will play next season on Tier 2 level:

DROP TO TIER 2:

Bowling Green Falcons (3-9) – BGSU is having bad season, winning only against two other relegation teams and almost-relegated Ohio Bobcats. Is a return of Falcons to Tier 2 after two seasons at top level.

Northern Illinois Huskies (3-9) – Here is team experiencing actual success in recent seasons on Tier 1, but is always having terrible attendance. For teams like this, is lesson – relegation is forever only one bad season away!

Kent State Golden Flashes (3-9) – Little Kent State is always fighting above weight. Is surviving relegation last season, but is now returning to lower Tier after two bad seasons at top level.

Ball State Cardinals (1-11) – Ball State is Tier 2 runner-up in 2012, then is posting winning record on Tier 1 level in 2013. Is surprise to see tiny Ball State playing with big boys, but sharing Indiana SSR fans with Notre Dame, Purdue, and Indiana Hoosiers, miniscule Ball State is attracting less than 10,000 fans to home games on average. Oh, and also is horrible season record. So is back to Tier 2 for Cardinals!

Next post is explaining promotion and delegation on lower Tiers, including teams receiving promotion from Tier 3 to Tier 2 for 2015 season, as well as delegation from Tier 2 to Tier 3 (and do not forget about Tier 3 to Tier 4)!

I am just having thought. Perhaps if I smash Intern Bobby’s door with sharp topor, he is then revealing what Condoleezza is saying to him.

With hard shell for head, Brutus Buckeye is not requiring to wear football helmet.

TIER 1 CHAMPION IN ALL WORLDS: OHIO STATE BUCKEYES

Pozdravlyayu to the Buckeyes of Ohio State, champion of the 2014 college football season – in all worlds, including Commie Football! Ohio State is dominating Oregon Ducks 42-20 in Commie Orange Bowl championship game, to end season bathing n eternal glory.

Perhaps this is not surprise. Da, this is second season consecutive in which Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is awarding championship to same team as nonsense system supported by corrupt NCAA. Many fans is asking – what is it meaning when superior Soviet system is producing same result as evil, capitalist system? Some are even saying in whiny voice, “But I liked it better when Commie Football crowned like, a totally random team, like when Utah State won the championship in 2012.”

Is typical American response. Is nobody happy when “surprise” team wins? And is nobody happy when “expected” team wins also?!

Look at weakness of current College Football Playoff system. Committee of idiot judges (except Condoleezza, of course) is picking four teams to appear in playoff. Ohio State is almost not included, due to player injuries, personal bias, and socio-political interest of committee members. Fans of TCU and Baylor is crying tears in Shiner Bock beer, when neither Horned Frogs nor Bears is receiving invitation to miniscule, 4-team CFP playoff.

Here is truth – this will be same argument next season, and season after that, and so on – UNTIL 16 teams at MINIMUM is making playoffs! This season, CFP system is having simple beginner’s luck, including OSU in playoff as low #4 seed as afterthought. But Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is confirming that da, for fact it is the Buckeyes who are best team in college football this season! Only losses is in Week One to USC and Week 11 to Penn State, after OSU is already clinching playoff spot. After defeating top-rank Notre Dame in District 3 Championship game, Buckeyes is beating Tennessee and TCU on way to championship victory over Oregon.

Oregon Ducks (13-3, #2) is runner-up, losing championship and #1 Top Power rank, perhaps due to weakling #35-rank defense. Is second season consecutive that Ducks is losing in championship game. Here is advice – next season, spend more time designing strategy for winning football game, instead of designing fancy uniforms in every color of rainbow, looking like pizhama for children!

In world of Commie Football, TCU (12-3, #3) and Ole Miss (12-3, #4) is finishing with better rank than Florida State (10-3, #6) (who is losing to Ole Miss in District 4 Championship) and Alabama (4-8) (who is not even making to playoff)! Many more surprising results come from final 2014 Standings.

And of course, fans of Baylor Bears (9-3, #12) is continuing to make big bear-size tears, because even in Commie Football, Baylor is good team, but TCU is better. Perhaps is curse of ugly, nonsense, alternate blackout uniform? Spend more time designing strategy for winning football game instead of ugly uniform in non-traditional color for school!

Ohio State is not only championship team in America today! Colorado State Rams (15-1, #1 rank) – looking like champions in glorious orange-and-green uniforms – is proving it is best team on Tier 2 level by defeating Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky 41-38, a team with frightening, top-rank offense. But in end, it is weak #63-rank defense by WKU that is allowing Colorado State to emerge victorious by only three points.

But CSU is now suffering regret, missing undefeated season due to Week Eight loss to Eastern Illinois Panthers. Due to superior scheduling system, is almost impossible for any team to remain unbeaten for whole Commie Football season!

Fans in Kentucky SSR is forgetting sorrows in bottom of illegal homemade whiskey jar, but all is not lost for WKU. After glorious District 5 title and playoff run, fans of Hilltoppers is now hoping that Big Red blob mascot will move up to Tier 1 next season… to perhaps meet Brutus Buckeye on field of battle in District 3?

Georgy’s all like (in his accent), “Season is over. You are now going home to America.” But then I’m like, “Uh… this is a FULLLLL YEEEEAR internship, remember? Two semesters. You got me until May, old man.” Finally, he’s like, “Is fine. Is many repairs to be making to concrete roof and rusting pipes of emergency secondary bunker. First, you are fixing problems made when you are overflowing hot tub water into computer server chamber.” Geh…. It was AN ACCIDENT! Like I’m the only one who’s ever drank too much kvass and tried to make an indoor skating rink, AMIRITE?

IS NEXT: PROMOTION & RELEGATION

Excitement of Commie Football is not ending with championship games!

Is no summer vacation! During offseason, Soviet supercomputer is making calculations to determine promotion and relegation of teams between Tiers.

Last season, is much controversy when both Tier 2 champion (North Texas) and runner-up (Buffalo) is not receiving invitation for promotion to Tier 1 level. But look at this – neither UNT nor UB is making Tier 2 playoffs this season! Is more proof that Soviet supercomputer is having more intelligence than simple brain of common American! Intern Bobby is proving this fact to me, every day.

You are returning to website in few weeks’ time for news of promotion and relegation.