There occur many Problems in life. Three that come immediately to mind: (1) Why does the dryer eat socks?; (2) Why, if one resolves on Wednesday to outdoor-grill on Sunday, does Sunday check in at 175 degrees?; and (3) Where the freak are the keys?

I believe that this last irritant may now be obviated. You see, the boy pictured down there below, David Petrovic of Serbia, apparently moves along a worldtrack in which metal unaccountably bolts out from wherever it as, as he passes, and adheres itself to his body.

David’s mother said she first noticed the trait “about a month ago,” when he came walking out of the kitchen with forks and spoons sticking to his chest.

“I asked him to fetch me a spoon so I could feed his little brother, and he yelled back: ‘Mom, it sticks!’”

“I doubt very much that someone is magnetic,” said Patrick Regan, a [party-pooping] physics professor in England. “Humans are made of the wrong material to be magnetic.”

“It would be pretty unsafe to have metal objects sticking to you against the force of gravity,” he said. “You couldn’t switch something like that off.”

David’s mom said the magnetic attraction appears to wane when the boys sleep but switches back on when they are awake and moving around.

The family says they were alarmed at first but have gotten used to the unusual phenomenon and all the attention surrounding it.

“It was a shock at first, but now we just try to keep the knives away from them,” Petrovic says.

So. What needs to be done is for Science Men to produce many, many clones of this boy. These will then be made available to those with a penchant for misplacing their keys. A key-less sufferer can then move a cloned Petrovic through the premises, until the misplaced keys shoot out from wherever they’re hiding, to cling to the child’s chest.

As long as we’re cloning people, the socks-in-the-dryer problem can be solved by first breeding and then cloning extremely small humans who can survive—maybe even thrive—in the environment of a clothes dryer. Then, whenever one does a load of wash, one of these wee dryer-humans can be placed inside the machine, to tumble around in there and keep on eye on the socks, so none of them go off to wherever they go, when they’re in there.

The grill irritant may be avoided by purchasing one of these geegaws, powerful lasers that, when aimed at the sky, cause the heavens to open up, and produce rain. The night before one wishes to grill, one can simply turn one of these babies on, thereby soaking the schnitt out of the surrounding area; shortly before grilling, the rainmaker can be de-activated. I figure the frustrated toaster up there in the sky won’t be able to break through with full broil until after the grilling has been completed.