Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Psycho Kitty

There is a dangerous predator loose in our cul-de-sac. This insane, vicious creature attacks Zima on a near nightly basis. Worse, it is nearly impossible to get rid of and it always comes back. Its lair is just next door. It is always watching. Who is this demon spawn? Skittles, the Psycho Kitty.

Stop laughing. I mean it! This cat is pure evil. That little old lady's house next door might as well be the Cave of Caerbannog, because "the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived." Skittles, I dub thee The Legendary Calico Beast of Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh.

Before I knew better, I once tried to shoo her out of my yard. The standard way to do this is yell at them. If that doesn't do it, maybe lunge toward them, waving your arms wildly. Most cats would take one look at you and beat a temporary retreat. But with Skittles, what did I get for my trouble? She attacked me and clawed a gash in my palm. So I tried again, this time armed with a broom. She attacked the broom and still wouldn't leave. Just about the only thing that even halfway works is water, the mortal enemy of cats. Since we can't use the hose anymore (watering restrictions), we keep a big squirt bottle handy to try to fend her off. And yes, more often than not she attacks the water stream and goes for the bottle. This cat disturbs my calm.

Tonight she struck again. While cooking the evening's meal, we heard the familiar caterwauling. Skittles and Zima were getting into it under my car. We nearly emptied the squirt bottle on her and never did get Skittles to go home. Just chased her around in circles. We had to settle for grabbing Zima, complete with puffy tail, and carefully bringing her inside, out of the fray. I know calicos are known to have a mean streak, but Skittles takes it to a new level. I'd feel better for our safety if we had a holy hand grenade or two...

This might be a somewhat costly suggestion, but it would be worth every penny when considering the results and revenge angles: Put some straight vodka or gin in the squirt bottle (not whiskey because the old lady would smell it). Neither of those is harmful or fatal and probably wouldn't be torture on the eyes either, but some of it will certainly get in the cat's mouth, and I'm willing to bet she will beat a hasty retreat then.

We certainly are well stocked in the red pepper department. It may be time to give that a try. I've just never seen a cat that tenacious and aggressive before. It sucks that she thinks our yard is part of her territory. Moxy handles the competition fairly well, but I worry about Zima - she is old and The Legendary Calico Beast outweighs her by about two to one.

Ammonia's cheaper. The reason I suggested ammonia is because that's the smell that you get from a litter box, and we all know how cats will eventually abandon a litter box that hasn't been cleaned in a while.

Therefore... if you spray the hellcat with ammonia, she'll run away to try and get away from the smell. Who knows... eventually it might even associate your yard with the bad smell and not return.

My friend has the scariest calico ever or at least she could have given Skittles a run for her money when she wasn't old. The stories of people running in fear from Confetti are legendary. The thing is I know other people who have calicos and they're the sweetest cats.

magnetbabe and kat - why do the mean bully cats have such silly names?

dr s - I debated long and hard before letting Moxy out, but Zima was an outdoor cat from way back. I don't know what we'll let Silvio do, but we don't need to decide until next summer. I don't let kittens out - too much can happen and they aren't big or smart enough to cope.