Sunday, August 21, 2011

My First Post In Five Years

I've decided to blog (occasionally) again. I am making this announcement as if it's 'the news you've been waiting for', but really, who gives a shit? I cannot believe it's been almost five years since my last post. In that time, I've written two books and am failing miserably at writing a half-hour comedy show. I think I'm a fairly good judge of what's funny, and I really love the stuff I've written. The fact it's been met with the same enthusiasm Hitler showed when eating matzoh ball soup is fiercely depressing. I am caught between a self-loathing that is almost unbearable and a determination to see it succeed just to cram it up the ass of every dumbbell who didn't help me with it.

I'm in Salt Lake City Utah, heading for the airport shortly. As I am writing, the phone just rang and it was Club Soda Kenny wishing me a good morning in his typical sing-song, funeral director cadence. I love Kenny, but his phone voice reminds me of the feeling I had 20 years ago while waiting for the ambulance after putting nitroglycerin under my grandmother's tongue. (The feeling I'm referring to is, of course, a painful erection).

I am realizing how much I missed writing. It was much easier to motivate myself to write when Opie & Anthony were off the air, because I didn't have the freedom of radio to just vomit out whatever was bothering me. I haven't had sex in months, and I've literally jerked off so much lately my cock has permanent grip marks on it. Luckily, I am hung horribly and there is only room for two unsightly finger-grooves.

I realize this particular entry had the entertainment value of perusing a tumor photo gallery, but be patient. They'll get better. Or, they'll get progressively worse, which could also be entertaining. Either way, I'm off to the airport. Hopefully I won't be killed on the way home.

44 Comments:

At first I wanted to attempt to do one of your characters in text form, but then realized that would be horrible, so I just wanted to say that I love your body. But not your face. It scares children and makes old people shit themselves.

You should consider the occasional video blog and also if you can't get a show off the ground because people are too stupid to realize how good it is then maybe you should think about doing something online. Just do a low budget online show. Three or four episodes or something. Hell maybe you could team up with FunnyOrDie.com and get funding/promotion through them.

Alright, here's a message from a very genuine source. Why not check out that self actualization stuff that Ron Bennington is into? He may be able to recommend a book. You won't be self hating, you are going to get laid and you may start writing again without your attention being scattered. There's a book I read called "The Power of Now." It's a kind of book that while you read it, there will be words that connect with you on a deep level and you'll feel good feelings, enough to cause that change you seem to want. Personally, changed my life. It was like flipping the script. Everything good now.

Hi James, if you could please remember that you are a talentless hack, this whole 'I can't get a show' thing will come right into perspective. You never could close the deal anyways. Signed lovingly,Your bitter self loathing

While I am completely 100% on your side, what the hell did you expect? The BIOGRAPHY channel to be run by non guilty politically incorrect white people? For the most part I think white guilt dies with your generation. Even as a comic you'd probably be shocked at most of the social situations I've been in or around.

Hello Jimmy, I really feel bad about how much you hate yourself, because you don't realize how goddamn funny you are and how much happiness you bring to people's lives every day. I know that sounds gay as can be, but I have been listening to you since I was in high school and I feel like you and O&A are part of my life. You deserve to make it in the business, and anyone who can't see it is a dickwad anyway. I know that those dickwads are the ones that make the calls and all that, but I think attitudes are starting to change. If Louie can say nigger ten times in an episode, there's hope for a Jim Nordin Show. Good luck buddy and keep pushing until you get what you want.

Hey, man. I just wanted to say it was awesome meeting you at San Diego during the Con.It was a real highlight. Tough Crowd made me get into Stand Up, albeit (auto correct on THAT one) for a short time because a drummer in a college band made more money than I was getting. I met a guy I really looked up to there once and he turned out to be a real turd, so it was especially cool that you weren't a dick. Anyway, keep it up and I'll keep reading your rants.