This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

11/7/12

Ask Our Sexxxperts

The Ampersand’s sex experts tell you how and where to put it.

Dear Sexxxperts,
I live in a single in the Butts, so no roommate problems for me. That being said,my nextdoor neighbor is always getting it in. The giggling, moaning, and outright shrieking is starting to get annoying. What should I do?
— Annoying Screaming Sucks

Dear ASS,
So you hear some noises coming from your neighbors’, and you immediately assume that they’re making “the beast with two backs?” That could be anything. Jazzercize, a bad cold, Monopoly. Stop thinking with your private parts.
Sincerely,
Victoria

Dear ASS,
Strip down, knock on their door, and offer to join in.Worst-case scenario they have
to think about you in the next room while they bang.
Go wild,
Muffin Man

Dear Sexxxperts,
If you were stuck on a desert island and could only eat one sandwich for the rest of eternity, what would it be?
Sincerely,
— Much I Love Food

Dear MILF,
Ham and cheese!
Love,
Victoria

Dear MILF,
Stuck on a desert island? What is that? Like, wedged inside someone and I don’t have lube? And eat one sandwich? Between two pieces of bread… buns… this is one fucked-up euphemism. Are you asking me which celebrity I would give a rim-job to while being, like, wedged inside him? You’re one sick fuck. Plus, that scenario is definitely impossible. But it’s not like I haven’t tried. Definitely John Stamos.
Good question,
Muffin Man