Money Jokes For All!

That’s what my four year old proudly exclaimed as he busted into our bedroom the other morning :) Very typical of him, always trying to break the “no potty talk” rule since you obviously can’t enforce it when you’re laughing right alongside him (!!).

Kids are experts at this. Pushing the limits of fun, and reminding us adults not to be so damn serious all the time. When did we have so many rules, anyways?? When did we get too good for fart jokes???

My plan was to sit down this morning and talk about something probably pretty boring in my kids’ eyes, but this Fart Storm continues to brew and I just can’t get myself to write anything adult-like.

So we’re not.

Instead, I proclaim today National “Financial Joke Day!” Where we take the day off from being so serious about our money and careers, and instead share the gift of laughter.

I’ve spent my hours wisely this morning coming up with a handful of good jokes for y’all, and your mission today is to enjoy them and then match ’em to others in your life who will equally appreciate them. Not only will they love you for breaking up their boring day too (lucky them!), but perhaps it’ll also spark some good money chats?

I want a full report by the end of the day please :)

******

For the lawyers in your life:

On his deathbed, a wealthy man gathered his priest, his accountant, and his lawyer together. He had spent his life amassing a fortune and he couldn’t stand the thought of being parted with it.

He made each of them swear to withdraw 1/3 of his money and sneak it into his coffin at his funeral so that he would be buried with it. He died soon after.

Following the funeral the three men were walking back to their vehicles and begin talking to each other about the deceased man’s odd request.

The priest said “Forgive me, for I have sinned. I withheld 10% of my portion of his fortune from his coffin so that I could help the poor.”

The accountant said “I too have not followed his instructions exactly. I withheld 20% of my portion of his fortune as compensation for my services.”

The lawyer said “Shame on you both! I followed his instructions perfectly: I left a check for my full portion in his coffin.”

For your landlord friends:

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

For all the stock brokers out there:

A stock broker was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived on scene, the broker complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Bimmer!”

“You stock brokers are so materialistic, it’s ridiculous” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off.”

“Oh, my!” screamed the broker, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. “My Rolex!”

For the politicos!

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

“Give me your money,” he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”

For everyone who thinks mighty high of themselves:

A guy was taking a smoke break with one of his non-smoking colleagues.

“How long have you been smoking for?” the colleague asks.

“Thirty years,” says the smoker.

“Thirty years!” marvels the co-worker. “That costs so much money. At a pack a day, you’re spending $1,900 a year. Had you instead invested that money at an 8% return for the last 30 years, you’d have $250,000 in the bank today. That’s enough to buy a Ferrari!”

The smoker looked puzzled.

“Do you smoke?” he asked his co-worker.

“No.”

“So where is your Ferrari?”

For the teachers out there:

A kindergarten teacher spent a few minutes each morning teaching a new word to her class.

One day, the teacher said that the word for the day was “frugal.” She explained that frugal had to do with saving, and a frugal person is one who saves. She then asked the class to come up with a sentence for the word.

The class seemed kind of stumped, and sat there in silence for a few seconds until one little girl raised her hand. Instead of just a sentence, she came up with a little story:

“There once was a princess who was stuck in a tall tower. There was a spell on all of the doors, so she couldn’t get out. One day, she heard a young prince who was walking by and singing. The princess called out of the tower, ‘Frugal me! Frugal me!’ So, the prince frugaled her and they lived happily ever after.”

For your children:

Where does a fish keep his money?
In a River-bank!

For your grown children:

Did you hear about the dry cleaner who’s been accused of money laundering?

I have 5 kids, and you are so right, I was getting boring before they came along! I am amazed at how humorous they can find the word ‘poop’. If you simply say it, everyone starts giggling, including my wife, but that’s another story. Thanks for the jokes, I needed a good laugh today!

To add one to your list: Someone who is shining the best light on their situation:
“I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.”

You must have magic powers because we say the same thing and it just goes right out our kids’ ears! We’ve resorted to taking away snacks and TV time now, and even then the power of the poop laughs still overcome them ;)

Toddler BITA’s cousin (the same age as her) was visiting us recently. They spent the better part of one evening in the garden running to where the dog had pooped, pointing at the poop, yelling “poop” and then running like giggling maniacs all over the garden. Rinse and repeat.

Ha ha, I love a good money joke! Being the mother of three boys, you can imagine the types of jokes that are found funny in my house.

My favorite “boy moment” was when we visited Washington DC and rode on the subway. The stop called “Foggy Bottom” made my older boys hysterical with laughter. All because it had the word “bottom” in it.

Hahaha, thanks for brightening my day! Just in case you didn’t already know this existed, here is something your four year old will love: https://www.amazon.com/Story-Little-Mole-Search-Whodunit/dp/081094457X. TBH, I think the English title is kinda lame – in Dutch this story is literally called The Little Mole Who Wants To Know Who Pooped On His Head. Kids love it :).

Speaking of farts, I am always entertained by big sign posts on roads in Germany wishing me a “Gute (good) Fahrt”!
Fahrt is German for a ride, trip, or path.

Also, as a child, I never understood why people need to work for money:
Me: Mom, I don’t want to go to the kindergarten. Why don’t you stay at home today?
Mom: I have to go to work.
Me: Why do you have to go to work every day?!
Mom: To make money.
Me: (absolutely puzzled) Can’t you just get the money from the bank?!

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Disclaimer

I, J. Money, only claim the thoughts from my head. I am not a banker, CPA, money manager or anything else of that sort. Please seek a professional for any "real" advice. More info: privacy & disclosure page