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I am having a hard time getting past that my WH told his OW "We'er perfect ....... I love you ..we have so many things against us... We have to survive this its meant to be ...I love you"

He sent this to her in a text about 1 month after D-day when he was still in a fog. It has been 9 months now, and things are moving in the right direction. But there is a part of me that will not let this go. Everytime I start feeling good about our relationship, I pull this text up and others and read them all over again. (I have saved all his text and pictures). After I do this, then I feel so down.

It is like I don't want to be happy or I'm just safe guarding my heart. It is frustrating and I don't understand why I do this! Will I ever let myself be happy with him again? Sometimes I wonder....

We protect our hearts when infidelity is involved. Be easy on yourself You don't need to "let go" you just need to give yourself a chance to heal.

Maybe ask yourself this - what happens that makes you pull up this text and old pictures of the affair stuff? Why do you inflict the heartache on yourself over and over again? You don't have to answer me, only yourself, look inward, what makes you go back to all the painful stuff when something starts to be good?

The other word that is dreaded is it takes t.i.m.e. When I first came to SI I absolutely hated that word. But here I am 5 years out, and realize that it took me a lot of time, and I'm still a work in progress

Hang in there ((Cheatedon23))

BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest

crossroads2010♀ 30213Member # 30213

Posted: 3:25 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013

It is just hard to let go of the words read or head during the fog...they are so unbelievable from someone you have been with for so long and takes time to grasp that the relationship you had wasn't the one you thought...eventually you will let these go...I would delete them or at least put them away. I followed the OW fb forever ...now 4 years past dd, I have to force myself to look (need to sometimes for surveilance) I went through a few years where after a really good weekend or vacation together, I would suddenly trigger andbecome hyper suspicious. I still don't trust entirely and still have memories of the fog behavior and trigger sometimes but it is way better...

Focus on YOU ...not her...not him...she is definitely not worth your time.

Posts: 722 | Registered: Nov 2010

Fire96♂ 34131Member # 34131

Posted: 3:28 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013

Cheatedon,

I do the same thing, dwelling on statements said in the past. We all do.

The real fact is, anything related to his affair is lies and fantasy.

We know that in our hearts, and none of what they say is true, but we still act as though it is cast in stone, when its not.

Try and put little thought into what was said during the crazy time, and start listening as the lies subside and the truth comes in.

Hey, I totally get it. My FWH wrote long, impassioned letters to his COL (that C word on-line) that were as passionate as those he wrote me when we first met. He used words of love that were MINE that he had used exclusively for me. For shills trying to get him to hand over money in the hope that he would get laid. It was a special kind of cutting pain reading that.

And he had to, after all. He had to convince himself that they were really REALLY special, if he was going to try to betray me with them. Because otherwise, what did that make him? Just a common, dirty old man, looking for a lay.

I think that, in time, you won't feel the need to keep pulling up these messages as things continue to improve between the two of you. I don't. But don't feel bad if you think that you need the reminder, every so often, of why exactly you feel so horrible. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 7998 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

beyondalllimits♀ 29253Member # 29253

Posted: 7:15 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013

CO, at some point, you might want to make a deal with yourself to put those texts and pictures away, in a safe place and leave them there. as HR suggested, ask yourself what leads you back there. Are you afraid to trust your heart to this man again, so you keep hardening it? Are you afraid you might forget the pain? Trust me, you will not... You can choose to move away from something or move toward something - there is a profound difference... I would suggest you shift your mind set to moving toward healing and reconciliation rather than away from the hurt. Put your focus on the renewal of your relationship if possible. It is a long road, but worth it. Don't beat yourself up. Honor your emotions, but try not to get stuck in the muck... I'm three years out and incredibly happy. There was a time I never thought I'd feel happy again... I recommend the Art of Intimacy. It is a book about bringing yourself to your relationships. So often we look to others for confirmation and our actions are all wrapped up in trying to be what we think our partners want us to be (or parents or bosses, etc). When we bring ourselves to the relationship and trust our spouses to love us in spite of our uglies... oh, how wonderful it can be... and we give them permission to expose their uglies too. Imagine a life/relationship where you no longer have to worry about making mistakes or being unlovable?? Yes, that is where we are now, three years out. A long process, but very worth it for us. I wish you well on your journey of healing. << >> bal