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On my reading bench, my sighs ring out my desires in
the cold December air. The sky is dry and dull. The smell of grass wafts from
my nook of a garden. Its greening and inadvertently make me happy. The shadows
long in the gloaming.

It’s so easy, to let habit become fact. To let inertia stilt the energy flows.
To settle into the way things have always been, even if it no longer feels in
balance.

That’s what 2015 was all about.

It’s easy for this to happen especially when
you’ve just been waxing and waning on the needs of day-to-day. The bills
in the inbox and the dishes on the counter; the laundry in the machine and
still your thoughts gravitate to alone-time and time together. Both in short
supply.

When it takes all, to not scream with weariness –
the seeped in your marrows variety of weariness! And what you do instead is pull
out the forgotten cocoa from the pantry, treat yourself to homemade chocolate
and get comfy between the warm throw and pillows, with a book.

Too much happened. I joined and quit an extremely
toxic organization. I fell in and out of love in several layers. I got a pair
of gold fish and lost one. Lost a few friends to their own choice. Nirvaan
graduated to a proper school and every morning I break my heart seeing my baby
climb the school bus to travel for an hour. I made some bold moves and
chastised myself on every other occasion. I finally caught fine lines and immense
amount of grey. I was grateful and grumbled too, for dad staying over this
year. Home renovation projects. Meeting friends over business trips. Kept the
migraine tablet industry going single-handedly. Thinking details. Planning big.
Spending all my savings. Rolled my thoughts around like a pebbles in a box. Threw
them on the board and I still don’t see a pattern. Or a picture.

I feel like 60 and 16 at the same time. Shattered
and resurrected by the same things.

The world makes me claustrophobic and I deliberately
lose myself inside, lest I forget to breathe, forget to feel, to listen. It’s harder
to bring attention to breath and pulse and heart.

Shall I stop seeking balance? Pull a plug on the
quest for peace?

Shall I just let the Universe guide me? Waiting
for that stirring of energy. Activation. Motivation.