I just wished to say, please remember how you speak in chat room. What kind of comment and joke is ok with your friend that you know maybe is not ok in the open chat, but best be in the private chat. A friend went into chat room one day last week, who only is been in there few times before. He go in there and there is no one he knows at all, and after while there is sexual jokes being said from one person to another in the main room. He was triggered and just left. It would not have triggered me, my abuses were different, but I would have been offended by it also. It bothers me that a person go into there to find support and have that happen instead. We can not all 'walk the eggshells' with each other. But we can respect each other enough to not speak like that in open chat when there are new people or people we don't know in there. It is not censering, it is just respect for another survivor.

There are so many things that can trigger a person. I feel less safe in chat when people make even marginally homophobic statements; I'm more comfortable with people's sexual content. I notice that the straight guys tend to be quite open about, for example, wanting to hook up with blond secretaries, or liking breasts, or whatever. I'm fine with that, it's a way that men talk to each other. I'm less fine with it if I don't have equal freedom to talk. Ste, you have it right on the head, that we need to respect the feelings of others in chat. We also need to understand our own boundaries, and realize that not everything that is posted in the chat window is a boundary violation for everyone present.

This is a worthwhile thread, and I would love to hear others open up on the subject. Who knows? If there's a group consensus, we the members may even autonomously create workable rules without appealing to the mods....

John

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Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards; for our vines have tender grapes. Song of Solomon 2:15

But let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream. Amos 5:24

I know exactly the chat you are talking about - I should of spoke up and said something - I myself was mildly triggered that night (which I did'nt even really realize untill much later) - I know it was just joking around between two younger guys - but you are right that it should of been done through PM and not in the main chat room...

Sexual jokes - even ones thought to be in good humor - should only be said between people who know each other well enough to know how they are going to react to it - they should not be said around people who they do not know...

I think what we really need to do is respect the feelings of those who we do not know so well in the chat rooms...

we can always joke with our friends in private - but if a new person is highly triggered by something said in chat - it is very unlikely that they will go back there again...

just my 2 cents...

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Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

Let us always remember the reason we are here..... We where abused, hurt in ways that no one should ever have to go through. We are here to heal and offer support to one another. If you feel hurt or think something was said that may not be right please bring it to a mod. We are here to help but we cannot help if we do not know their is a problem.

I wasn't in the chat in question, but sure, it needs to be borne in mind that we are all different and have different issues and boudary problems. It's a delicate question, since at the same time there's no point in having a chat room if those in it feel they must walk on eggshells all the time. It's just a matter of finding a courteous and caring middle ground where everyone can speak freely and still feel safe.

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

shadowkid
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
MemberMaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437

if i was part of the conversations in question then i am sorry ,but chat is not like posting ,you dont have hours to think about what your saying or how it may affect others ,but in reality any thing said there could be a trigger to someone .many times someone will ask me about my abuse and if i answer truthfully ,you can watch people just disappear ,like oh i cant handle this! but should i censor my answer?is this place not about the truth? also it can be disheartining to think damn even here i dont fit in .i have been told that i am a fool to think some stupid little chat is going to change anything ,that i'm an idiot for thinking i'll get better,that the things said in chat are stupid ,personal attacks on me ,but you know what if that person felt that way he had every right to say so and even though it hurt me i was not offended by it because it was someones true feelings being let out. things happen in chat that dont happen on the boards ,great things ,people helping people real time not>

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its not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

ak...i am truly sorry that something in the chat made you uncomfortable...i have been here for about a month...and the chat room certainly is sponateous...and unedited.....but i do not think that anything which was said was specifically to make someone uncomfortable....but it is good that you voice your concern and reaction...that is one of the things that is wonderful about this place...we can feel safe to express what is on our minds....sometimes unfortuately it is a negative trigger...i hope you can work through this...thanks....steve

I appreciate what you say, but it was not me who was in chat and been upset by something. I have not been in chat room probably 2 months. It was friend who only been in there two times before, and did not feel comfortble to speak up when it was that everone else in there know each other. And I am sure whatever it was, whoever it was, it was meant as joke. But to speak of f*ing someone, and in what way, even as joke, is to me rediculous when there are people you do not know in the room also. Perhaps I am too easy offend, but I can understand why it upset my friend, it would just rather anger or offend me, but trigger him, and then he leave the place he go to for help. That is not fair I think.

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