LOVE WARRIOR NOW AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK!

LOVE WARRIOR NOW AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK!

The One Conversation That Could Save Your Teen’s Life (and Your Own)

Last week I told my therapist that even though I’m too busy, I continue to say yes to new responsibilities. In my head, I mean nope — but I say okay, because I feel on the spot. I panic. Every time.

She and I talked about how in the absence of a plan, even intelligent humans don’t know what to say under pressure. We aren’t great at thinking fast – at considering all the consequences of our decisions in the midst of a loaded moment. When put on the spot, we tend to say whatever we think will please the other person, even if it means going against what we know is right for us. So together we decided to create a non-committal response that I could pull out and use – as a space saver, a time buyer – whenever a new request was made of me. We needed a phrase that would allow the pivotal moment to pass smoothly without making me feel compromised or the other person feel rejected. Together we decided on: “Thank you so much for considering me. Let me think about that and I’ll get back to you.” I’ve said this seven million times during the past week. Even when my kids ask for breakfast. I feel drunk with time-buying power.

Yesterday I was on the phone with a friend whose teen daughter is one of my favorite people on Earth. My friend was beside herself because her precious girl had come home drunk the night before. My friend wailed to me: “How many hours have we spent talking about alcohol during the past decade? And the first time she’s offered beer, she takes it. She TAKES IT!” I said: “Crap. What was her excuse for taking it?” My friend said: “All she could come up with is: ‘Mom — I DIDN’T WANT TO SAY YES — BUT I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.’” My friend thought this excuse was a load of crap. I wasn’t certain about that. It sounded quite familiar to me.

You know, Just Say No sounds good in theory. But it implies that saying no is as easy as saying yes. It’s just not. In practice, saying no begs an explanation and saying yes doesn’t. Just Saying No makes for an awkward moment, which makes it an unhelpful suggestion to teens (and people pleasers like me) who often care about avoiding awkwardness even more than they care about their own well-being.

My friend and I talked about this fact: Yes, we spend hours talking to our kids about WHY to say no, but we don’t tell them HOW to say no. When they are put on the spot, they don’t have hours to explain their decisions to their peers. They have a split second. And while our teens and ‘tweens want to make the right decisions, they often want to avoid awkwardness even more. In the absence of a plan, they’ll likely default to yes. Just like we so often do. Maybe they’re not saying yes because they want to rebel – maybe they really do say yes because they don’t know what else to say. They need help knowing, preparing. That is where we come in.

When our babies are little, we help them understand and navigate their world by giving them language. We point and name: “Look. A Bird! A BLUE BIRD!” And we help them make sense of who they are in relationships to others by modeling appropriate communication. “Say hello to Mrs. White, Jimmy. Hello, Mrs. White!” When our kids become adolescents, their world changes so much that sometimes it feels to them that they’ve landed on a new planet. They are babies in this new complicated world of teen-dom. And so we need to start over, because a more complicated world calls for a more complicated language. We need to point and label: “Look. A beer! A whole keg of beer!” And we need to model the new language they’ll need to find their way. If we want teens to use their words — we’ve got to provide some words for them that they can keep in their back pocket and pull out at the right moment. Because we’ve taught them how to get along with others, but now we need to teach them how to get along with others while also taking care of themselves. On their OWN. That’s new.

So my husband and I sat down with our ‘tween and we talked about how he was going to be put in LOTS of awkward situations in the coming years. We told him that being a teen can feel like one long experience in being put on the spot. We told him that he was going to be asked to make big, important decisions under intense pressure and even though his heart and brain are huge, he’s human — and humans make bad, people-pleasing, status-quo-keeping decisions under pressure. We told him that he’ll find himself in situations in which his heart will be screaming NO but his head and voice will have a hard time keeping up. We told him that things aren’t all good or all bad. For example, a GOOD, KIND, WONDERFUL friend could ask him to make a BAD, DANGEROUS decision. Sometimes it can seem to us like the best idea to keep peace and keep our friendship is just to say yes and hope for the best. But we talked about how wisdom is knowing that peacekeeping and peacemaking are two different things. We talked about how people pleasing is often a human weakness, and how wisdom is making a plan in advance to work with our weaknesses.

So the three of us dreamed up inevitable awkward situations, and together we thought of sentences he could say that would buy him time but not alienate him from his friends or make anyone feel like he was judging them. We also tried to weave in humor to make sure his responses would be in keeping with his personality.

Here are some we decided upon together:

When you notice a lonely kid:Hey! Here’s a seat for you. Come join us.

When someone offers you a beer:No, thanks. I’m allergic to alcohol. Totally blows. (Then go fill up a cup with water and nurse that all night to avoid 40 million more questions.) Note: Alcoholism runs rampant in my family and partly on Craig’s. The genes my kids have been passed down are loaded with danger when it comes to alcohol. We have been explaining this to our children for a while now, and we’ve researched how to explain this to them in ways that are developmentally appropriate to their age. “Allergic” is not the perfect word to describe how the bodies of many of my family members (including me) react to alcohol, but it’s close. And it is, in Craig and my opinion, a perfectly acceptable way for Chase to explain the unique danger to HIS body alcohol presents. It gets his VERY IMPORTANT point across without the embarrassment he’d experience by having to explain about our family’s alcoholism. You & your kid will know the best line to use for your family—this one works for us.

When someone offers you weed:My mom used to smoke pot when she was younger and now she can smell it from a mile away. She checks my clothes every night. Can’t do it, man. (That’s the one that won, but I liked: HEY! How about we put down these joints and go volunteer at the dog shelter! He liked the first one. Whatever, his show.)

When someone starts texting while driving:Hey, I just saw a movie about a kid who got killed because he was texting and driving. I don’t want you to get killed because I plan to ask you for many, many rides in the future. Pull over if you need to text – I’m not in a hurry.

You find yourself in a sexual situation you’d prefer not to be in: Hey, I like you too much for this to go down this way.

A kid is being teased by another kid in the hallway: Hey. I don’t want anybody to get in trouble here. Why don’t you follow me out of here? I’ll walk you to class.

Someone is about to drink and drive: Don’t risk it, man. My dad’ll get us home- no questions asked. He’d rather pick us up here than in jail.

I don’t know if my ‘tween will use these life preservers we made together. But when that moment comes he will know that they’re available if he wants to save himself. And when he leaves the house in the evening and I say to him, just like when he was two, Use your words tonight — I know he’ll have words to use.

81 Comments

I think we should start training them as early as they are 3 or 4 and talk to them in a story form about how to say no to drugs. I find that they are quite receptive and that way we can prepare them from now to all these years as they are growing up.

Thank you for such an insightful post. My son will be a teenager in two days, and I appreciate the timing of this wisdom presented to me in your post.
When I think back to my own experiences as a teen, I know that I would have benefitted from having something “in my back pocket”, and now I know this is something I can give to my child.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

As a parent, talking with your child, taking a personal interest in his personal development, and assuming the role of mentor, role model and coach is far more important than talking to your child. You have more influence than you can imagine, and you can do more than mainstream recovery would have you believe to addiction proof your child.

A companion of a fool will suffer harm. Proverbs 13:20. Our daughter is paying a very dear price for something she never wanted to do. All because she had trouble saying no. She created a map for a ride that did not involve crossing highways. She also created this map to help say no to another teen who had led her across a highway before. Apparently the other teen did not listen or did not consult our daughter’s opinion on the ride. Our daughter was also trying to befriend the other teen. Our daughter had been told about the dangers of being a young girl out alone. These teens were to support and protect each other. It is obvious that during the crossing, the other teen did not wait for our daughter to be ready to cross. The other teen took off and did not check to see if our child was ready at that moment. Our child undoubtedly felt nervous at being alone and felt compelled to follow as she was in the middle of a big road in a strange neighborhood. No one was pressuring the other teen to cross or even go that way. She was out in front leading the way, just had done on the other rides. Our child not only did not make a friend that day, she almost lost her life. Our child has yet to return to her life. Her life and the lives of her family are changed forever. Our daughter lost her youth, her athletics, the opportunity to grow up, high school years, activities, and graduation. Our child wanted a friend, but had no desire to make that crossing that day. In fact her map is very strong evidence of that. With all that our child lost, the other teen refused to give any compassion to our daughter. Months went by and all that was received was a tiny card with tiny writing that included a few words more than just a signed name. No teen’s parents should have let their teen be so disrespectful to someone experiencing such loss. The other teen’s parents should have been aware of where their teen planned to ride and had ridden previously. They should have asked about the route taken and discussed what was safe to do. Our family had said to stay on the bike paths, but we also told said not to be alone. It is unusual for a teen as old as the one who led Our daughter to have led another child to such danger or to lead a ride without consulting the other person’s opinion. This is such a shock considering this was to a fun ride. There was no shorter, quicker way to go. In fact, this ride was longer than what our daughter had planned. The ride didn’t even start off in the same direction as our daughter’s route. Our daughter’s idea was either entirely rejected or never considered. One has to wonder why a teen would lead a ride that introduced unnecessary danger. There was nothing across that road that would make the ride more fun. Was this just a power trip for the other teen? Was she a bully? Was she a thrill seeker? It was made known that our daughter was inexperienced at riding outside her neighborhood. Was this crossing show to show-off? Was this an act of intimidation? It was an example of one of the most horrific instances of negative peer influence ever. The affect this leadership had on our daughter’s life is more damaging than sneaking a drink from parents’ stash, trying a cigarette or a mild drug, or teen sex. In fact a teen pregnancy would have had a lot less impact on her life. Many have told out family, that you can’t hold a kid responsible for a situation like this. If absolution is possible, where is our child’s? People have even told the family that our daughter should have chosen not to follow. It makes sense that she would think she could trust an older teen that her parents had arranged for her to spend some time riding with for recreation. No one wants to say that the older teen should have never chosen to lead that way. The sickening part is that that older teen did choose that way. This is not an instance of two kids being kids. This is an instance of one teen influencing another child who was under the impression that she could trust that teen. It is obvious that one teen charged ahead expecting the other to follow. It is obvious that our daughter’s choice wasn’t considered. The news lately has highlighted rapes and shootings. How did the perpetrators get to this state? Perhaps their parents did not teach them responsibility. What parent would allow their child to ignore someone who was injured due to spending time with and following their child? One hour and a child’s life is destroyed. How can the leader be content knowing that is what they did and that someone is suffering and struggling every day? She was a child then, but she is not one now. Someone followed her and now faces a lifelong recovery. Whether it is pleasant for that teen or not, she has a moral obligation to make reparations.

When I was young my late Dad was a bartender. He was one for 40 years.
He used to let me sip the foam off his odd beer. My brothers and I would have a bit of wine ; for Shabbat. He said I do not want you to; think its a big deal and go wild. He would be sick to his stomach; 14 year olds drinking at parties. Like its no big deal. He always told me to be a lady; at a young age. A lot of this generation; are sex addicts. Some parents buy their underage teens; coolers for parties. For three years, I was the top fundraiser for abused women and children. It was sickening; with young children and teens in tow; the carts would be piled to the rafters with empties. Mothers often become alcoholics; they douse whine with whine. Even goody two shoe kids drink. When there is talk about sex, alcohol and drugs. Get your kids take on it; it is a very scary society.These mini messed up teens will need therapy – pitiful.

These sound waaay too campy and feel good and cheesy. Not that there isn’t good intent behind them and not that they shouldn’t have ways to say ‘no’. But those responses will have them ostracized automatically. You may believe this is a ‘good thing’. It will separate them from those who are potentially toxic it to them. But ultimately it can be socially damaging. Not the fact that they said no, but HOW they said no.

Campy? Lol. Maybe? But isn’t the end game to teach your kids to stand on their commitment to protect themselves & their future? Or is it ultimately to gain the approval of the crowd by contorting themselves to the crowds’ every whim?? There’s just no easy way sometimes to stand for your beliefs. You either deal with a bit of awkwardness for a few moments now or a potential lifetime of it as a struggling alcoholic later….’your show’!

What a great read with perfect suggestions. I just read this and decided to jump the gun a little (my son is 5) and see what he would do in situations like these. I said “Buddy, what would you do if someone asked you to do something you don’t want to do, or something bad?” He said “Punch them in the head.” It seems like we may have some work to do! Good thing we have some time, kids aren’t drinking alcohol in kindergarten these days are they?? 😉

LOL, no they aren’t bringing beer to school, but it’s other stuff. One girl in my daughter’s first grade class was forever asking for and taking things like hair ties (out of her hair), pencils, erasers, etc. She plucked the little leather flowers off a pair of my daughter’s shoes. When I talked to her about how it was ok to say no, and that she could tell them that her mother said so (because I still have some cache, I guess), it was obviously a relief to her.

All of this stuff makes me nervous but the texting and driving really pushes my buttons. Its something that’s fairly new in our society but so dangerous. Between that and checking messages, I-pod music, and Facebook, kids have so many driving distractions. I can’t repeat it enough to my kids… put down the device and just drive.

Great suggestions. I told some kids that I was allergic to pot when I was 14–they never asked again. Ha ha! If only I’d learned some other strategies for other situations. Now I’ve got some I can share with our kids. (And they’ll roll their eyes but hopefully listen).

What we have done for our teens (17 and 14) is, we had them sign “being drug free” agreement (which includes alcohol) and that has also become their cop-out. “Sorry, my parents drug test me at random or after parties, no can do- bummer!”

Alcohol intolerance is as common as lactose intolerance. Just a couple of sips and you feel like you have the flu. Mine started developing at at 31 and was in full force by age 37. I never knew it was a real thing before then. It’s also very common for it to kick in later in life, but there is definitely no reason it can’t reveal itself at 16 or 17. 🙂

Teenagers are growing up. They are in the process of learning who they want to be, where they fit in, etc. Learning to say NO takes maturity, courage, and a strong sense of self. It takes practice. I didn’t learn to do it well till I was an adult. Teens need to be held accountable for their choices and their actions which means consequences not excuses. As Anne Lamott puts it “NO is a complete sentence.”

Reminds me of the time that my 14 year old son called me at work, just to verify that he was not allowed to ride his bike over the bridge and into the next city (the subject had actually never been brought up before). I confirmed, to his friends, that he was correct, he was not allowed to go there.

Another little tip a wise mom shared with me – that my family used successfully:
When you’re in a compromising situation – uncomfortable – illegal – stupid …whatever, let someone know: “I’ve got to go, I feel like I’m going to throw up.”
Headaches ? They’ll offer you Rx, Tired? They’ll tell you to rest. But, vomit? They’ll assist you to get you to your home – or help you to communnicate for someone to pick you up Real Quick. No arguments.

I think discouraging kids from trying even a bit of beer or pot is dumb. It’s what leads to all that excess when they get to college. In europe this isn’t a big deal and people mature much faster because they’re not babied. I’m not talking about letting 12 year olds swig beer but 16, 17 it’s ok to have a couple of drinks every now and then. All this puritanical hysteria is totally unnecessary.

Exactly Emma!Thank you for being a voice of reason to such an irrational response.My son is 17, of course i could have hoped that after all the talks & all the info my son has had & also the fact that my husband & i rarely ever drink that my son wouldn’t even want to drink but I don’t live in fairy land so I have also tried to give him as much advice on what to do if he does have a drink at a party eg: don’t accept drinks from other people,don’t leave the party ,either to go wandering the streets or to get in a car & of course that he can ring us any time no matter what the situation or time of the day & we will come & get him. I may not like the fact that he is ging to do these things but I’m not an ostrich either so i try to prepare him as best i can

Nora,
Like Glennon, I have a history of alcoholism in my family. “Having a couple of drinks now and then” was something my father was not capable of doing, even though (I believe) that was his initial intent on thousands of occasions. I grew up seeing the absolute destruction of a wonderful man and a family due to alcohol. It sounds to me as if you may have not experienced this in your own life. Because of my upbringing, I began talking with my children from a very early age about alcohol. Not so much that it was a “sin”, but that in our family, there is a definite “bent” toward the abuse of alcohol, so it just made sense to me, as an adult, to avoid it completely. I told them they would need to make their own decision. Now, I seem to be fine having an occasional drink, but I didn’t want to risk the possibility of modeling alcohol use of ANY kind to my children, and then them having an inability to control their consumption. The risk was far too great! It is an issue very near and dear to my heart. So…. fast forward, our two adult children do not drink, they just never “got into it” and I am so VERY thankful. Their childhoods were far different than mine. I hope you can understand my position on this, even though it may not be your experience. Take care!

My parents never drank and still have not and my brother, sister and I were required to leave a party in high school if alcohol present…

I’m 33 now and was never been “hurt” by their requirements Jolanta. I think results may vary depending on the depth of the child/parent relationship. I respected my parents immensely which has shaped my perspective on my own choices with alcohol to this day.

I under stand where you’re coming from, and my 10 year olds have a SIP of my wine once in a while so there is no “mystery” later. I also don’t drink more than two drinks in front of them either. My 12 year old son does not like the taste of wine or beer. For now phew, but his time is coming to be pressured for sure. But a 16, 17 year old is NOT mature enough to have a couple of drinks here and there. Allowing that behavior at home gives empowerment in my opinion to dangerous situations out of the home. Just my 2 cents.

Than you for this article! As a mom of an 11, 8, and 5 year old, I know the teenage years are approaching and I want to be prepared. My family also has a history of alcohol and substance abuse, and our kids have witnessed the fallout. It has been extremely intense for all of us, and I do not want to take anything for granted when it comes to teaching them the dangers of any kind of substance abuse.
I would also like to say that if we do allow our kids to use the, “No, my parents are crazy, they will drug test me.” excuse, they will be speaking the truth! I would much rather be in control of their consequences NOW, and under my care, than them have to go to jail, hurt someone, or cause extreme damage to someone else’s property because of drugs/alcohol. All of these things have happened within my immediate family, and the effects are long-lasting and far-reaching.
But, whatever happens in the future, my kids will always know that we will be there in a heartbeat if they ever feel unsafe, or they have gotten themselves in too far. That is our role as parents, to guide and love them through this difficult phase of life. As hard as it is on us as parents, it’s so much more difficult for our kids!

I have been following your posts for some time now, and I just had to comment today. My son is only just 4, but somehow, I’m going to file this away for future reference and NOT LOSE IT. I am such a people pleaser, too – I’d wager most of us are, to some degree. And in my own experience with learning to set boundaries, you are so right – it is critical to have some well-scripted replies that you can whip out for your most common scenarios. Yet so much of what we read and hear about teens and risk stops at “Just say no.” Thank you for digging deeper and sharing it with us.

You win the internet again G!!!! I will admit, I cringed a tiny bit at the allergic comment, because my son has anaphylactic food allergies. BUT I get your point, completely, and if it keeps your kids safe–GO YOU!!!

We’ve told our kids they can always blame us, use us as the scapegoat, anytime. And we will always help them, no questions asked, if they or a friend or even a stranger needs help. We have talked about doing the right, safe thing–even if that means making sure they are safe first then calling for help.

With a college aged daughter, it is scary, and she turns 21 next March. We will be having many more conversations with her in the meantime (I’m a big believer in lots of talking over issues during their life, not one big talk).

A dear friend of mine lost her nephew in August–He was killed by a drunk driver who was on probation for dui.

This may not work for everyone’s values but I taught my kids at about 10 years old to say “I don’t do that F&#kin’ S#!t” whenever they were offered drugs or alcohol. I taught them that the kids offering it were looking to validate their own decision and that it was very important that they were confident when they said it. I even had them practice and it’s is the only time they are “allowed” to use foul language. Don’t blast me… Again, it’s not for everyone but it’s worked for us so far.

Mom of a twenty- two year old, 20 yr old, and 18 yr old and when my kids were Tweens and early teens I had a very similar mindset. We had great successful happy active bright kids. Two of whom at the age of 16 and 17 started taking these unnecessary risks- not due to peer pressure- not due to low self esteem, not due to a lack of spiritual faith- but merely because they wanted too! And after all my beautiful boundary setting unconditionally living open talks and serious mutual respect! Lol! Parents need to know this happens! Good kids from great families experiment on their way to adulthood… Lucky for me… My two risk takers opened up and let me help them sort things out. They are doing great in college and are well respected by the community- but no family is immune to a little crazy. For some reason – my youngest – who I raised the same and was our most rebellious as a child and tween, has no desire for the risky stuff . No idea why. The best I can figure is we fit the nationwide statistics for what kids try out as far as sex, drinking, etc. it happens. Love your kids, never say not MY kids (learn my lesson) and do the best you can with the days you have. And grace- offer it and receive it.

So very true, Lisa! We have wonderful teenagers who are competitive swimmers and had very little ‘free’ time in high school to get in trouble. The older one swims in college…and guess what? He ran into trouble the first weekend he was there. His take-away was that he didn’t know how to drink safely–and he wished we had talked about it with him beforehand. Sure, we all talk to our teens about not drinking, etc., etc., etc., and we really hope they do the right thing and some of them do–but I would much rather have talked to my son about having one beer and not doing shots from a bottle ever–than having him call me after being released from the ER for alcohol poisoning. (Newsflash–they are adults and the hospitals don’t contact parents). I guess my best advice is to hold your kids to high standards AND give them the facts on alcohol as well. One beer is a heck of a lot safer than shot after shot after shot…and our told us that he just didn’t know any differently.

Being prepared is great advice especially so when the responses are truthful rather than excuses. A great book to read that addresses peer pressure is “Hold on to your Kids” by Gordon Neufeld. I highly recommend it. There is so much more to the topic of peer pressure and this book addresses it well. Ultimately, we as parents need to foster strong relationships with our kids. Thanks for your post! I will be including this approach in providing tools for my kids.

I love the use of allergic because that is the exact same line I used all through high school and college. It worked pretty well and was definitely easier than the whole long explanation of why I dont drink. I am 37. I have never had even a sip of alcohol. I dont cook with it. I didnt even have champagne at my wedding. I grew up with alcoholics in my extended family and I saw how they acted – how they werent very nice or smart when they were drunk. I hate feeling out of control – I dont even like that loopy feeling you get from pain meds. But getting in to all that would just be too complicated and make me look even more geeky than I was. Allergic summed it up much better and was something people understood. By the time I got to college I had been waiting tables and had smelled a lot of alcohol and just the smell made me nauseous. There is nothing on earth I am more phobic about than throwing up. So if just smelling it made me feel sick, it was a short trip in my mind to what drinking it would do to me. By this point my line had changed to “Sorry, Im allergic. But I have a car and am happy to be DD/drive you home if you want to have some”. I was popular in college because my friends knew they could trust me to drive and have not even a sip. They could call me at any hour on a Friday or Saturday and I could safely come retrieve them from wherever they had gotten stranded or needed a way out of. It was not an easy choice for me to decide to never drink. It would most certainly have been easier to ignore my gut and go with the flow. But I’m glad I made the choice I did.

I have also let my kids know I will happily be the bad guy and that they are free to complain about me to help them get out of a situation. We also have a safe word they can text and I’m immediately coming no questions asked and again they can use me as the fall guy. This is so important, not just for alcohol but dating situations too. I so wish I could wrap them in bubble wrap and keep them safe!

I was around 23 when I decided to stop drinking but I wasn’t really ready for how much social pressure there was around drinking. It is something that I still encounter many, many years later. It is much easier to have an excuse and nurse a drink that people might think is alcoholic (sprite, coke, etc)

But at 12, or 16 or 18 – other kids don’t appreciate your right to say no.
And face it – it’s hard as an adult, too.

We tell our kids this, but we also tell them to use us as their scapegoat, because we’ve all had that one “friend” (not friend) who will push and embarrass you if not properly armed with a shield of a planned response.

I love this!!! My parents did this with me growing up and it was honestly so helpful and relieving for me as a teen! Another great one was that we could always use our parents as an out or an excuse – I’d call my mom and ask if I could go somewhere but if I didn’t want to or din’t feel safe I would just be like “why can’t I go? Okay, what? You are heading to pick me up now? I am at this place. That’s okay, I understand I am just bummed I can’t be with my friends” ect. Then I could get out of doing something without explaining why I didn’t want to do there or do that. It takes a lot of pressure off.

And when they (we) have bought that minute to think, it’s important to try to access the heart (“imagine how the people who love me most would feel if they saw me right now”), rather than listen to the head (“the probability I will get caught is *only* about 50:50. Why not take the risk and impress my friends?”). I commend Daniel Seigel’s book, _Brainstorm_ for an accessible, scientific description of how this all works in the teenage brain.

Oh Glennon, I wish I would have had this conversation with my son. It may have changed his life. Having alcohol or drugs at a young age can not only trigger addiction but mental illness. He now has both. Please have this conversation with your child, it may change their life or save it. Thanks for putting this out there, I am working through my blog to tell my son’s story, I hope that it will help other parents, families too. Thanks! xx

I know this article is supposed to be about kids and their peer pressures but you just totally changed my life with these seven words:

“… peacekeeping and peacemaking are two different things.”

Eureka! I’ve been racing around making myself feel utterly walked on, exhausted, and mad because of trying to KEEP the peace with everyone all the time! All because of misunderstanding what the bible says about peacemaking. THANK YOU. I totally get this. I am not personally responsible for both sides of every relationship in order to keep another person happy and at peace with me! Thanks G 🙂

We worked the ‘bribe’ route. Remember – the goal is for the tween/teen to have an answer RIGHT NOW! We started talking about drugs, smoking, alcohol when they were little, and added the following goal: If you can get to age 21 without drinking, smoking, or drugs – we will give you $500 on your 21st birthday. BUT – if you start after that – you have to give me the money back. Talk about incentive to a tween!! Even a teen is pretty impressed with $500! All three of my children reached the magic age, received their $500 bonus – and said it was the easiest money they would ever earn. But, all had used the excuse at one time or another. Yes, it is bribery – but the goal is to come up with a quick answer that they can use. “Nah – that joint will cost me $500. And nothing gets past my mother’s nose!”

I am all about the bribes! When my 20 yr old wanted a snowboard pass I was all… YES! If you don’t get an MIP or drink I drive – I can use he $$ that would’ve sucked up to help you spend money in healthy ways.

My concern with making up excuses/reasons is that as an adult, all this does is leave an opening for people to get you to change your mind, esp. if there is a little truth-stretching or fibbing going on. Guilt is such a powerful motivator, and teaching kids to fib their way out of it puts them in another awkward position. I would rather teach kids that they owe NO ONE an explanation for their choices. If “no” is not enough (and not “no, sorry”!!! They shouldn’t have to apologize for their good choices!) then it’s time to leave the party. If they get ostracized, their newly-former friends did them a favor. There ARE good kids out there who don’t drink or do drugs. If your friends don’t respect your no or feel entitled to an explanation they approve of, find friends who will.

I should clarify. It has taken me 40+ years to figure out how to stop making excuses/explaining/apologizing for my choices. I get to say *yes* or *no* and no one is entitled to an explanation. If someone invites me to a MNO and I just don’t want to go, from now on I say NO. That’s it. Not, “oh, I am so sorry, but my husband will be out of town and I won’t have anyone to watch the kids, etc.” Then what happens when the other person/people says, “Oh, well, we can help out with that…” or “Oh, please, we can watch the youngest so you can come!” Or “Oh, your oldest can handle it…” Then you just have MORE explaining to do! Just NO. It is everyone else’s job (the boyfriend/girlfriend wanting sex, the person offering a drink, the friend wanting a mom’s night out, the PTA parent wanting you on a committee) to take no for an answer. It’s not your job to prove to them that your “no” is valid and acceptable.

I do agree in part. In addition to helping my kids make good decisions, I teach them that anyone who tries to get them to do wrong is NOT their friend. But different ages can handle different pressure. The part of their brain responsible for decision making isn’t fully developed until their early twenties (my daughter the neuroscience major could tell you the specifics lol). But definitely, teaching kids to say no confidently is important.

We always told our kids to use us as an excuse. ” My mom will kill me”, “Dad will take my phone away”. And we also had a deal that if things got really hard to avoid they could call us and say something like “Is Uncle Dan there yet?” ( there are no Dans in our family) and we would know they wanted to be picked up immediately with no questions asked.

Why give weird made-up reasons? Why not teach them that they are allowed to say no on the premise that A) they just don’t want to because it looks stupid to them or B) their parents will kill them if they do. Why come up with all this silly nonsense about being allergic to it or because the mom can smell it a mile away. In fact, the best reason kids have to say no to drugs and alcohol is simply that they just don’t think it’s a good idea as they want to remain in complete control of what they do the entire time.

I don’t know if you realize this, but when you say “weird made up reasons” and “all this silly nonsense” you are saying that what someone decided to share with you is silly and not worth anything. I’m sure you didn’t mean to sound so disrespectful.

Regarding your thoughts with what a teenager should or might say-best of luck to you.

I’m guessing you might have a hard time remembering what high school felt like? And how desperate everyone was to fit in? (Including me, the “unique” one.) And how much being a stick-in-the-mud Debbie Downer gets you criticized, laughed at, and makes you feel humiliated? Well it does. So kids need an “out” that doesn’t make them look like the world’s biggest dweeb. They can use these lines and still own their street cred, which is way more important in their world than Just Say No.

Yes. I’d much rather my kid have to use a made-up excuse that works and then remain unscathed than say some type of holier than thou “truth” and end up using drugs/alcohol, killed in crash with drunk driver/texter, having sex, etc.

Because most teens don’t know what to say and want to fit in and usually No is not a good enough answer. Peer pressure is a real thing and most kids are not be brave enough to just say no when they are young teens. Allergic is not “WEIRD” You are missing the boat. That is what the article is about-Giving your children alternative ways of saying NO.

Why not add other tools to the toolbox besides “no” ? Kids brains are developing until they are 25. Peers/social scaffolding start taking more precedence over adults at age 11. The assumption that kids are going to have the kind of confidence, security, and clarity in every situation and say a righteous “No because it’s wrong.” is just developmentally unlikely and not without social consequences. Building bridges to exit will be more palatable to the teen. Plus refusal skills and plans are tools that apply to a multitude of life situations. Our job is to add more tools in the tool much. Awesome post, Glennon.

Glennon didn’t make up the notion of an allergy to alcohol. It’s a time tested concept that has been used in substance abuse treatment centers and in Alcoholics Anonymous for more than half a century. One definition of allergy is “an abnormal reaction of the body to an allergen”. In the case of alcohol addiction, it is absolutely true that the body of the alcoholic responds differently to alcohol than does the body of a normal drinker. We also know that alcohol addiction has a genetic component, so the children of someone who has/had an alcohol addition could also have a similar abnormal reaction to alcohol. Thanks for a great post, Glennon, I’ll definitely be sharing these words, including the allergy defense, with my soon to be tweens.

When I was teaching Driver’s Ed, I talked to the girls about this. I said, “You know what guys say when they don’t want to do something? They say, ‘No. I don’t wanna,’ and then they walk away. How rude, right??? They don’t give any REASONS, they just shrug or make a face or bluntly say no. Sometimes girls have this idea that they have to be nice, that they have to explain, that they have to convince the other person that they have all of these reasons for saying no. Don’t do it, girls. It makes you look weak. It makes you sound weak. (The boys are listening now too because they don’t want to sound weak either.) These are the words that you say, “No, I’m driving.” Don’t apologize. When you apologize, you sound like you don’t believe in what you’re saying. Don’t say too many words – the more words you say, the more you give the other person to argue about. “No, I don’t wanna.” Leave them wondering what mysterious force makes you so strong that you don’t even have to explain yourself.” “No, I’m allergic.” Perfect.

I would be lying if I said this didn’t terrify me a little (a lot) as a mom of a tween who is pretty sure he is 24 and ready to take on the world. And, I am grateful for the reality check and the advice. From one mom trying to figure it out to another – thank you!

Me too!! Believe it or not, just yesterday I was talking to my husband about how to teach our tween boy on how to say no! He’s a bright kid and understands that people do bad things. We talked about drugs and how sometimes kids try because they want to be ‘cool’, etc… my son asked me “does it takes good?”. That made me realize that this could probably be one of the reasons many kids try it in the first place. Thank You for your words.

Just an FYI-kids vaporize marijuana now. There’s no smell. Drug tests are $15 at the drug store though. We told our kids we would use them if they went to parties to give them the excuse, “my parents are crazy. They’ll make me pee in a cup tomorrow.”

But that only works if your kid wants to say no. If they want to try it, they will. Many parents are so convinced their child is the 20% that doesn’t try this stuff by the end of high school…but most of us…who talk to our teens…and have more than one who made it to their twenties…find out all too quickly who is really doing this stuff. I have so many friends who think their kids aren’t doing any of this stuff, when they actually are. I know because my kids aren’t scared to be honest with me now. My kids joke about their friends whose moms are “so more strict than me,” (the ones who actually threaten to drug test) and the kids just get really sneaky. Or go off the rails in college. Yes- give tools to say no- that’s great! But I think it is even more important to be real and realize kids do this stuff. I thought we were some lucky statistical exception because of how close I was with my kids, how responsible they were, how great they were doing in school, how confident they were, their faith, etc. But they almost ALL try stuff at some point. And the conversation after is a make it or break it conversation. Will they really trust us to call us for that ride at 2 a.m.? Or will they sleep over drunk in an unsafe place to hide it from us because we finally disappointed them by not saying no?

Having plans is so important. It keeps you calm in emergency situations. In college, less than a week after my counselor and I came up with a suicide crisis plan, I had to enact the plan. I was able to feel like it was going to be OK because we had a plan and I knew what to do, who to call.

In my 20’s almost all I did when I could get out of the house was seek therapy. No, really. It probably even started before I was 20. And one of my therapists gifted me a copy of a book called “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” and let me tell you, it was probably the most important book of my life. There are actual conversations in there for practicing! It teaches you how to do all sorts of techniques, and explains what they are and why/when/how to use them!

Life changing magic, indeed! I have a couple of copies around the house and push it towards anyone and everyone I ever know who could use help saying what they want to say without feeling mean/rude/obnoxious.

It all feel so awkward at first and then, after some practice, it magically feels just right.

YES. YES. Y E S. Love this topic and the tool of adding some humor to it. We have two teens currently, and our son (who is 16) was telling us that he tells his friends that smoke weed jokingly that they are “degenerates”. It his way of joking, in a slap and tickle way with the guys but also getting the point across that he isn’t interested. I don’t know that the tactic of “what you’re doing is beneath me” would be effective without the humor aspect. tee hee
Regardless of the situation, equipping the kiddies to be able to use their words is priceless. The teenage years are fraught with people pleasing situations that later in life you struggle with less. (HOPEFULLY!)
Thanks for being at WOF last weekend. It was great hearing your story. You’re pretty much adorables. My friends and I were like, “WHAT. She’s the cutest. We’re getting her book NOW.” Have a great day! Smooches.