Adventures of Zen Cowgirl living and being in Texas

Not too long ago, I was floating in our pool after sunset, watching the colors over the pond slowly put themselves to bed. I realized that my life was full of joy and pleasure, yet the thing I was most grateful for was feeling my happiness does not depend on any of the things I love.

A week ago, I learned something with the potential to significantly change my life. I handled it with grace and acceptance for about 12 hours, before I fell into despair at the possibility of losing what was most important in my life. By the third day, I managed to release it to the power of Divine Love and to put the practical remains in a box for later. I began to trust that I would know what to do, when action was called for.

Within a couple days, an option came to me out of the blue, for handling the situation. It seemed crazy and off-the-wall, yet it is possible that it could be away through the situation with wisdom and integrity.

After the initial relief at having options, I have been wracked by sadness. I began to question God. I accused God of setting me an exam that was unfair: Why should I have to act as the only "grown-up" in this situation? I was reminded of how I used to try to write my exams when I was a professor: A good exam teaches, even in the process of revealing the areas in which knowledge is still lacking.

I feel like the Universe has been intensively preparing me to be able to graciously take the action suggested for the past year or more. Yet, this 'solution' has brought awareness of just how far I have to go in my life's journey. I asked why I seem to need to process this decision as if it is happening now.

That's when God showed my his hoof knife.

Sometimes, a horse will have a puncture or bruise to the hoof that apparently heals over, but retains damage deep inside. The horse may seem sound for a long, long time and the hoof look healthy. Sometimes, that concealed injury can cause serious problems before anyone figures out the cause. During the course of routine care, the farrier will shave away the old parts of the hoof and notice a small black line. A good farrier will gently explore the discoloration, shaving away until the line disappears or until she reaches the area of decay. Once discovered, any rot can be removed and healing can proceed.

I left an abusive relationship ten years ago. I have been through counseling, PTSD therapy and recently started 12-step work. After 10 years of work on myself, I thought I was sound. I have been strong; always fighting for what is right and learning to trust in the outcome. Today, I saw how vulnerable I still feel in one area. For the past week, the Divine Farrier has been the paring away my sole (pun intended) to release this last (I hope) pocket of decay. By mentally working through this situation now, when it is primarily between me and God, I can heal an area where I still have attachment and fear. I will be ready to soundly carry my Purpose when the time comes.

What would it be like if we gave up fear? How much of what I wish to change about myself, the actions and reactions I don't like, have their origin in fear? What is it that I'm afraid of?

My most pervasive and tenacious negative reactions are in the form of irritation and impatience with the daily spinning out of Life's inevitable happenings. I am most irritable and controlling with those I am closest to, and love most; husband, kids, horses. Is irritability really fear coming out sideways? What fear is threatened by the beings who vibrate within my inner circle? My irritability is triggered primarily by control issues. If something doesn't go my way, has unanticipated difficulty or "should" be some other way, it is obviously not controlled by me.

My authority (and therefor my control) is threatened when life doesn't happen as it "should". And why is it so scary for my authority to be questioned? Because, at a deep level, I don't really believe in it to begin with. Even writing "my authority" is difficult, because I feel an impostor for claiming it publicly. In my most personal and important relationships, there is a fear and an ego-created illusion that I would cease to exist without it.

When I am confident, I can react to misunderstandings, mistakes, random glitches and disagreements with compassion. I assume a positive (or at least neutral) intent on the part the other or the Universe. When I am centered, open and connected with All, I don't feel threatened. When I am irritatible, I am closed down and lose my center. (I wonder which comes first, the irritability, or losing my center?)

I pride myself on being able to go with the flow, especially when life really hands me a whammy. I am better at flowing with life's big challenges because my mind can attack these philosophically. I can see the lessons and the opportunities for growth when they are written by God in capital letters. I need more practice at reading the fine print.

Daily life can be a scriptureEach irritation an invitation to look at what I fearA call to BERather than unanswered prayers for helpin staying present, in BEingCan it be that Lifehas been chanting clues to me?Singing, shouting "come enter this fear and learn. And grow"Today, I will see the gift in each moment of irritationHeed the call to awareness when I feel threatenedSee my frightened rabbitBe aware of my cornered dogName the fearThen seek to BeWhere there is no fearShare on Facebook