An Open Letter to Britney Spears
Monday, Nov 27 2006

Britney, we love you so much. We want nothing more than for you to have that comeback that you deserve. We still hail you as the princess of pop music and the sex symbol we know you still had inside you!

And you gave us hope. When you appeared on David Letterman a few weeks ago, you were not only gorgeous — you were HOT!! And then divorcing Kevin — oh my God, what a JOYOUS day! The blogs were going crazy — even I was going crazy, riling up my coworkers the moment it happened! What an unbelievable moment! We knew it would happen, but we didn’t know it would happen then — oh god, WHAT A DAY!!!

And then you went out to dinner and looked HOT, and went ice skating and looked HOT, and you’re back with your old manager and you’re working with Pharrell on your new album!! Britney, the good times kept coming!!

And then the extensions came back.

And then you started wearing ridiculous clothing again.

AND NOW YOU CAN’T SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH PARIS HILTON.

Britney, what the fuck?!?! You are spiraling downward so fast, you probably can’t see straight! DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT?! You have the world rallying behind you! Do you know HOW RARELY THAT HAPPENS?! You can take advantage of that so easily!

All you have to do is KEEP YOUR HAIR SHORT. It looks so nice without those extensions.

Wear some real, decent clothing.

AND GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM PARIS HILTON. The girl is a walking STD! She probably passes on a few crusty little bugs to everyone she touches! Come on, now. Even you have to know that Paris Hilton is a PR nightmare and a universally hated individual (by everyone except the witty if not impartial perezhilton.com). I’m serious. Nobody can stand her.

Britney….PLEASE….I mean what I said earlier — we want nothing more than for you to succeed!! And you’re partying in nightclubs, hair stringy and disgusting, WEARING NO PANTS! Come on, now! And I’m not going to start talking about the crotch shots….

Listen, if anyone on Britney’s team wants to hire me to do her PR, I guarantee you I would turn her around. Drop me a line. I mean it. This is what I can DO.

For starters:

–Release JJ’s baby pictures soon. People Magazine has been kind to you, and they’re unlikely to turn on you, even if you go to another magazine. Vanity Fair has been done (hello, Suri) and Vogue reportedly said no. Go for Rolling Stone. You’ve had a lot of moments with them. And do it for free, so K-Fed can’t profit.

–Get away from Paris. Stay out of Hollywood. Buy that home in Miami you were reportedly thinking about paying $30 million for, and make that your home base. And while you’re there, work your ass off on that album. Don’t write anything yourself — you know how embarrassing your self-written songs are — and let Pharrell take the album in whatever direction he wants. Try to get a duet with his buddy Snoop Dogg.

–Get a Miami-based stylist — one nearly unheard of in Los Angeles. Follow what she says RELIGIOUSLY. Become the poster girl for a line that epitomizes the culture in Miami — something hot and exotic, not as outlandish as Roberto Cavalli but not as demure as Chanel. Or maybe you could take a longtime brand and reinvigorate it — maybe Yves Saint Laurent?

–Stay single. And that doesn’t mean sleep around. Take a break from ALL men. Be mysterious. It’s better that way.