Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e01 Episode Script

We're All the Same, Only Different

ANDY: It was an exciting Monday morning. I was about to turn a billion seconds old. Here, you can track it with me. Hey, guys, the company's Wait-wait-wait! Andy is about to turn one billion seconds old. Here it comes. And now! ALL: Yay! It's over. So, the company's looking to hire a new technical writer and they're offering a finder's fee of $3,000 to anybody who brings in the candidate who gets the job. $3,000-- that's a lot of halibut. My grandfather used to call money "halibut." I was trying it out. It doesn't work. Just so you know, because this place is so full of white guys, they're probably going to hire I'm not sure of the most politically correct way to say this. Another white guy? We understand. No. The opposite. A person of color. Damn. I know an albino who would have been perfect. Well, I think this is a good thing. I think it's important to help those who historically have been denied opportunity based solely on their race. If it falls to us to correct the deeds of generations past, well, that's a responsibility I welcome. I wish I said that. Keith always says the right thing. I'm such a schmuck. And I'm, like, God, I hate myself. I agree with Keith. Me, too. Me, too. I agree with him more than anybody. Not more than me. Or me. Or me. Me, too. Oh. Way to go. If only I could go back in time and say all that cool stuff Keith just said. Well, I think this is a good thing. I think it's What were you going to say? * You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * And I think you'd be surprised. * A few days later, we met in Jessica's office to help a non-white person who traditionally we wouldn't have cared about. Keith said it better, but you get the idea. Let me show you my candidate. His name is Ted Swathmore. He's an African-American technical writer who just moved into my building. Isn't he great? Oh, wait. There he is! All of these resumes are impressive. You know, uh, Ted has five years experience. And he's been black his whole life which has not been easy in such a racist society. My candidate's a woman from Saudi Arabia. She watched as her mother was stoned to death for driving a car. A bumper car. BYRON: You know, I know that we're trying to do a good thing, but I think that it's terrible putting people in racial categories like this. Let me guess-- your guy is white. No. My blind guy is white. KEITH: I found a one-armed, gay, Native American, little person. Are you kidding me? Unfortunately, he wasn't a technical writer. Just wanted to meet another one-armed, gay, Native American little person. If anyone knows anybody. Well, all of these candidates are very qualified, but, Wendy, your woman has more experience. So, I'm going to recommend her. (laughing): All right! Three grand! Oh, and I'm helping someone who historically How does that go again? Guys, I just want to say that race is a very uncomfortable subject, but only by talking about it like we've been doing have we proven to ourselves just how uncomfortable it really is. Things continued about the same until eventually we were all replaced by genetically engineered superdogs. The end. Actually, something happened the very next day. Hey, boys. Ted, what are you doing here? I got the job, Andy. On your recommendation. Thanks a lot, pal. Really? That's fantastic! Well, what happened to Wendy's woman? Apparently, she flew back to visit Saudi Arabia and was stoned to death for having luggage with wheels. Okay, that country has way too many rocks lying around. As happy as I was about Ted getting hired, I wanted to make sure that Wendy was okay. I'm okay. That was easy. Well, I'm sorry. So, what are you going to do with the three grand? I've always wanted to have two TVs in my bedroom so that I could lay on my back and watch one and then if I felt like rolling over onto my side then bam, there'd be another one right there. (laughing) I think it's going to be a lot cooler than it sounds. I was going to use the money to pay for my grandmother's varicose vein surgery. But she's, like, really old, right? It's just that after Jessica said she was going to go with my person, I called Grandma and told her she could have the surgery. She was so happy that she cried. Ever since I was a little girl, Nana's been wanting to de-vein those grotesque legs of hers. Can't call her now and tell her she can't have the surgery. I don't know what I'm going to do. Well, good luck with that. So, Wendy was okay. I need $3,000. Did you tell Andy why you needed the money? Yes. And then did you keep staring at him like I showed you? Yes. For, like, ten minutes. He's buying two TVs for his bedroom. I know; it's crazy. But I bet in ten years, we're all doing it. All right, I wasn't going to suggest this, but if you're really desperate, I may have a way for you to make some cash. Sounds suspicious. It doesn't involve sex, does it? Of course not. You just have to take drugs. Hey, Wendy. (deep, sultry voice): Good morning, Keith. Are you okay? Oh, I'm fine. I'm participating in a drug study for Pickering's pharmaceutical division. They're paying me three grand to use this antihistamine for six weeks, which, apparently, turns people into Demi Moore. You're testing drugs? Well, I got to tell you, sweetie, I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean, is it safe? Are there any other side effects? My breasts are larger and I have an increased libido. Well, if you really need the money. Life was good. The two TV thing was everything I had hoped. It worked so well I was considering getting a third TV so I could lie on my other side. But something about having that many TVs just seemed sad. The only problem was once I knew I couldn't lie on my other side, I really wanted to. But it wasn't just the televisions that made me happy. Ted was a great guy. I never thought that much about race before, but here was this totally qualified person who in the past might not have even been interviewed for this job. He deserved to be here, and I was glad to have played a small role in making that happen. Are you smiling at me again? I'm just so proud. Ah, you Yup, things were good until they immediately turned to crap. Hey, Andy. Hi, Ted. Hi, Lori. Uh, Andy, I have an extra ticket to see Riverdance this weekend. You know, that really exciting Irish dancing where they're dead from the waist up? The only way I'd go see Riverdance is if they were actually dancing into a river. (chuckling) Andy, it's authentic Irish culture. Oh, please. I grew up in Chicago. I am so sick of the Irish. The way they're always in your face with their green beer and their cheesy proverbs and their whiny music. Oh, shamrock this and shamrock that, and Oh, my God, the public urination. And you know, it's not just on St. Patrick's Day. Really? Well, you know what, Andy? I'm Irish. You can't be Irish. You're not obnoxious enough to be Irish. Yeah, well, I am Irish. I am as Irish as the Blarney Stone. And the unfulfilled promises that Cormac MacDermot MacCarthy made to the High King of Munster. And you know what? I'm not going to tolerate you making racist comments about my people. Ted is Irish?! Didn't you know? No, I didn't know. How could I have known? Okay, maybe there were some clues. Ted, what are you doing here? I got the job, Andy. Really? That's fantastic! And check out these shoes. They're from my leprechaun friends. No, I think I would have remembered if any of those things happened. Ted, I have known Andy for many, many years, and I've heard him say some stupid things many, many, many times. But I have never ever even once heard him say anything even remotely bigoted. It wasn't about African Americans. It was about the Irish. Oh. Then what's the problem? MACHADO: Let me say to both of you that at Pickering Industries, we take allegations of racism very seriously. Any bigoted remark, and I mean any, will simply not be tolerated. It wasn't about African Americans. It was about the Irish. Oh. Then what's the problem? O'NEIL (Irish accent): Now, then what seems to be the problem? ANDY: We all had to spend the weekend in sensitivity training. Jessica blamed me. Is that coffee? I didn't see coffee. (screaming) Do you see it now? My eyes! Look who's sensitive all of a sudden. (screaming) Okay, Jessica was mad but luckily they weren't serving coffee or lye or anything else that could sear the eyes. I can't believe I have to take sensitivity training. Couldn't they just give the Irish thicker-skin training? Great. I'm the only black person here. How do you think that looks? Me, a black woman, being labeled racially insensitive. Give me a break. Maybe we'll all learn something this weekend. I don't need to learn anything, you white, big-mouth bastard. Jews are cheap. Blacks are lazy. Asians can't drive. Puerto Ricans steal. Wow. It was a powerful way to get our attention pointing out all the horrible, hurtful, stupid stereotypes. This guy was good. Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Mr. Stevens, your instructor. Who are you? Hey, Dwayne, Dwayne Farley. My Guinea boss told me I have to take this seminar. It's going to be a long weekend. Hey, Whitey. I'm just kidding. That's something you're not supposed to say. How was your weekend? (deep voice): I'm great. My sinuses have never been clearer. Oh, what's with your voice? Drug testing. It's not for the weak. Oh, my God. You've got to quit that program. Hey! This goes to the mail room. I'm not the mail room. I can't quit now. Nana needs a new pair of legs. Besides this is fun. And bring me some coffee! Andy, how was sensitivity training? It made me very sensitive about race. That's good. No. It made me too sensitive. I mean, it's all I can think about now. What are you anyway, French? Andy, people are just people. We should all be working together to create a totally colorblind society a future where people are brought together by their similarities not driven apart by their differences. I want to live in a world where if somebody asks, "Is Andy black?" I say, "I don't even know because I don't see color." Would we not see any color because, then how would we drive or pick ripe fruit? I haven't worked out all the details. All I know is, I hate racists. I hate everything about them-- their music, their food, their so-called religion. The way their men are so skinny and their wives are all so fat, but mostly, I hate the way they judge people based on tired stereotypes. I had to make things right with Ted. I'd been a jerk about the Irish thing but would Ted forgive me? What if he didn't? Damn him and his stubborn Irish ways! Where's Andy? I think he went to go talk to Ted. Something I can help you with? Okay. I'm having a little problem with Wendy's voice. I think it's kind of sexy. No! You're wrong. It's just an opinion. I know, but it's wrong. The other night we were you know Having sex. Yeah. And when she you know Attained the joyful and supreme pleasure God intended everyone but me to have. Yeah. Only it sounded like Frankenstein tearing apart the castle. (growls deeply) There's my little man. They're looking for you upstairs. Yeah? Okay. I better go. Hoo-ha! I'd like a swing like that on my porch. And so, I realize now that we're all the same. People are just people, and I'm sorry for what I said last week. Well, Andy as we Irish like to say: Every finger has not the same length nor every son the same disposition. Right. There's no point in keeping a dog if you're going to do your own barking. Are you messing with me? Yeah, man, I'm messing with you, man. We're all right. And so, life was good again-- until it immediately got even better. Hey, Ted, are you ready for lunch? I sure am. Hey, Andy. My sister Jackie. Jackie, Andy. Hi, Andy. Hi, Jackie. I went to lunch with Ted and Jackie, which isn't this. This is dinner the next night with just me and Jackie. We really connected. Watch how we finish each other's sentences. So she didn't realize? No. Even though you were? The last person she wanted to groom her poodle. (laughing): I can't Believe it? It's true. So The Chihuahua and the schnauzer ate the entire head without anyone even calling the Department of Animal Regulation? Yeah. (laughing) Okay, I'm exaggerating, but we did really connect and any problem I had with the Irish was a distant memory. Sex was incredible. I can't show it to you, but here's what it sounded like: "Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Oh, Andy, oh, Andy. Ow." "Oh, sorry." "That's okay. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm." And we had so much in common. Andy? Yeah. What's your favorite color, bird, state, Olsen twin and green, leafy vegetable? Blue, swan, Hawaii, Ashley, Swiss chard. That's my favorite color, bird, state, Olsen twin and green, leafy vegetable, too. Oh, gosh, nobody ever says Swiss chard. We did. Yeah, life was good until Mmm. Andy? Parmesan. Actually, I was going to ask you if you wanted to have children. Someday. Yeah, me, too. I want a boy and a girl, and I want to name the boy Seamus. What? Seamus. It's a good Irish name. But that's wrong. We're supposed to be building a colorblind society where everybody's the same and nobody's singled out for their race. Andy, I'm proud of my Irish heritage. But you can't be proud of it. It shouldn't even exist. Don't you want to live in a world where if somebody asked me, "Is Jackie Irish?" I would say, "I don't even know what that word means" and they would say, "Well, neither do I"? No, Andy, because we're not all the same. We are all different. Look at me. I am an Irish woman. And nobody has to know that. I'm sorry, but I can't possibly be with a man who won't embrace and celebrate what makes me different. But But I am so sick of this race thing. No matter what I do, it's wrong. Thanks a lot, God. Okay, smart guy. Jackie says she wants to celebrate our differences. That sounds good. But you said that we're not supposed to see our differences. We really shouldn't. How are we supposed to celebrate them if we can't see them? Well, I guess you're just going to have to ignore as well as celebrate what makes Jackie exactly the same and completely different from everyone else. That didn't make any sense and yet, I knew it was the right thing to do. I understand that WENDY (deep voice over P.A.): Your attention, please. The receptionist does not wash dishes. Do your own dishes, or I will smite you. I did not bring you out of Egypt to clean up your stuff. I have to go, but I'll be watching. You, my friend, are out of control. No, I am totally in control. The voice gives me all of this authority. No, it doesn't. It's turned you into the gross office guy that nobody wants to be around. Did you sneak up behind Tim Stalin and say, "Take it all, bitch"? I was talking about a doughnut. He always takes half and then comes back a minute later for the rest. Get it? "Take it all." Man, he jumped, like, 15 feet. That is funny. You have to go to sensitivity training this weekend. What? But guys do this stuff to women all the time. And a lot of them will be in the class with you. I swear, nobody can take a joke anymore. Am I right, fellas? I took Byron's advice and told Jackie that from now on I would embrace and ignore everything that made me and her totally different and exactly the same and then, one night, I threw myself into an especially rigorous celebration of Irish culture and took Jackie to see Riverdance and there, something wonderful happened. I hated it, but not because it was Irish. No, I hated it because it was awful, and the most wonderful thing: Jackie hated it, too. And suddenly all our differences melted away and, of course, stayed with us forever.