How’s your Thursday going so far? (Like I care.) Main thing is, I’m here to bring you advice for life that you can’t and won’t get anywhere else. Mariano Rivera may have broken the record for saves in baseball, but I aim to be the Mariano Rivera of comics and perform more saves of lousy lives than Billy Graham the Cracker or any other preacher!

So without further a (Mountain) Dew–

Yo, Bru-Hed–

I think I have Bieber fever. What should I do?

Touchy Tween

Justin, TX

Yo, Touchy–

Stick a thermometer up yer butt and call a shrink. He ain’t all that!

Dear Bru-Hed:

I just saw the Detroit Lions play at home on Monday Night Football for the first time since 1974. Before that they won two consecutive road games after losing 18. After beating the Bears for the first time in three years, the Lions are now 5 and 0 for the first time since 1956.

What’s going on?

B. Sanders

Canton, OH

Hey, ice-cream fan (local pun)–

Everyone in Hell just bought a parka. I suggest you start watching the sky for falling frogs! (And keep betting on Detroit.)

Beer Abby:

I saw the trailer for DRIVE and it looked like a cool car movie with great chases. Is it worth seeing?

S. McQueen

Motown, MI

Mr. Mc–

DON’T BOTHER! What a waste of time and dough. There were like two chase scenes in the whole two hours plus. Even worse, it opens with a garage full of awesome classic musclecars…But doesn’t use ANY of ’em! (Unless you count using the friggin’ trunk of a ’67 GTO. Good grief.) They do use a cool, new, black Mustang but the other has a lame, current Impala. Ugh.

The main character is the “strong, silent” type–with twice as much “silent” as “strong.” I think all his dialog could fit on a single page. And everyone he talks to loves to pause between replies for some dumb reason. Sample dialog:

Girl: So what do you do? (Pause for four seconds.)

Gosling: I drive. (Pause for three seconds.)

Girl: For what? (Pause for five seconds.)

Gosling: Moives. (Pause for four seconds.)

Girl: Sounds dangerous. (Pause for four seconds.)

Gosling: (Silence for six seconds.) CUT to next scene!

Can you say, “Padding”? “Stretching?” Freakin’ ridiculous.

Sure, it turns violent as hell with lots of gore and intensity, but by then the digital version of Ambien has already kicked in. And the payoff at the end is non-existent. (And makes no sense. [SPOILER WARNING] How do you get stabbed, fall down, get up, and then start driving around like there’s no problem?)

Best part for ol’ Bru was the ridiculous-but-jaw-dropping scene in the strip club dressing room. We’re talkin’ three or four topless and nekkid silicone-enhanced hotties just sitting in silence so you can stare at their boobies! I think that’s why the (mostly male) critics like it so much.

Sure ain’t the editing, writing or directing.

Last one:

Bru-man!

Love the column. How do I get me some o’ your cool comics?

Fanman

Lost Angels, CA

Fanman!

You’re in luck. Pascale hisself will be at the Long Beach Comic-Con at the end of this month and will have some Bru to sell you and anyone else who asks. He said he’ll even sign ’em for free (I wouldn’t because then they won’t be in mint. Plus you’ll have to wait for him to get famous and then get hit by a bus before you can make any money off of ’em.) If you go, tell him I sent ya and he’ll even throw in a goofy prize or somethin’.

Anyway, that’s it for now, pals-o’-mine. I’m gonna call my bookie to put some dough on the Lions. (The Seahawks are off this week.) Go, birds and cats!

Remember to click on the “Contact” link at the top o’ this page and send me some cool queries! Ta-ta!

Love,

Bru

DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed therapist or electrician. He’s just a character with lack of same. All information herein is meant for entertainment and veiled ranting purposes only. All material sent to the address above becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send GOOD free stuff. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and comedy. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any unless you give us credit and a dollar per word. This ain’t easy! Contents copyright 2011 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Wear your seat belt before sex.