Category Archives: Advice

1. You preregistered for “Reading Poetry” but decided to follow your heart toward a fulfilling career in medicine, necessitating an extra biology course. Dummy!

2. You didn’t think you’d have enough time to eat lunch if you took “Reading Poetry” with Richard Wilbur at 12:30. Hey fatso! Try grab n’ go next time the best poet of our goddamn generation is teaching a course. Idiot!

3. You thought you saw Richard Wilbur in Jenkins last weekend, but he was standing next to your ex, so you bolted. Stupid, stupid you!

4. Mistaking the Pulitzer prizewinner for the man who shot Alexander Hamilton, you challenged Richard Wilbur to a duel and won, without ever asking him what inspired his latest collection of poetry. You killed Richard Wilbur. You are an ignoramus!

5. You’re Zephaniah Swift Moore, first president of Amherst College, and you died before Wilbur was born. What a lack of foresight! Moron!

We’ve all been there: Finals are underway and now you’ve got to figure out how to prepare for finals. Fear not, because the Muck-Rake has you covered. Here are seven easy tips for acing those terminal assessments!

1. Get Midnight Breakfast at Val

Studies show a full stomach makes for a full examination. Swing by Val for a few hours before you get cracking; the soothing aroma of three-day-old chicken soaking in dish soap will provide invigorating brain-fuel for your studies!

2. Slip into one of Keefe’s massage chairs

Let the sweat-encrusted leather of the Friedman Room massage chairs envelop your limp flesh prison in a night of rest and relaxation! The Office of Student Life has shipped three bonafide Lazy Boy PowerReclineXR’s to the Friedman room, and those greasy boys are fired up and ready to go. Work the knots out of your deteriorating back before your big test, you won’t regret it.

3. Take up Jogging

Everyone knows finals week is the best time to pick up jogging. You might think you’re too busy, but that’s just you tricking yourself into not jogging, like you always do. Jogging is a great way to relax and take your mind off work, especially because there are still two hours left in the day to go over your three review sheets!

4. Attend the Chipotle Burrito Drop at the Powerhouse

Watch as thousands of burritos darken the sky from the safety and comfort of the Powerhouse! Literally the only structure capable of withstanding this terrible display of power, the Powerhouse is the perfect place to watch in horror as two thousand dollars of Chipotle burrito fixings are dropped from a height of 4,000 feet.

5. Clean your dorm

Whether you live with a roomie or not, your dorm is probably a filthy, pestilent sty. Recent studies have proven that you’re a dirty, filthy, nasty bit of Jenkins shower scum, and taking the time to clean your workspace is the fifth step to becoming that baby genius you’ve always been told you are.

6. Don’t Panic

Things may seem bleak, but we promise, everyone’s been there. The sense of crushing defeat, like everything is falling and time is slipping through your fingers? That’s ok. What’s important is taking good care of your mental health. Take deep breaths, and research yoga classes to try out next semester. After you register for a couple, boil a cup of tea for yourself and check your socials. Remember: everyone earns a break now and again. Oh jesus, the sun’s really set. Oh god, oh man. That’s not good. We haven’t even begun giving you our study related tips!

7. Contact an Extraplanar Entity Capable of Taking Your Finals For You

Look, we know this is exactly how things went last semester. We’re sorry. Maybe you should have started studying sooner, but don’t worry! Klargon, your new class dean has you covered.

All you need to ace your exams this time around is to bind an eldritch being to your service and let them dominate your physical form. Lucky for you, this Tuesday, from 1-3pm, Klargon and Paul Gallegos will be handing them out for free in the Keefe atrium. These ghastly creatures use their access to higher dimensions of reality to acquire all the information necessary to slam dunk your finals for you! Sponsored by the Office of Student Life!

We hoped you enjoyed our seven easy steps for acing your finals. Be sure to take a nice bath after Ammutseba, Devourer of Stars, has been inside you – you earned it!

I’m really not sure how to feel about Social Clubs. On the one hand, I think social life at this school could definitely be better, and I’m all for any attempt to improve it, especially by students. On the other hand, I’m a little afraid Social Clubs could deepen social divides on this campus. What do you think?

—Confused in Crossett

Dear Confused,

Uh, I’m not really sure what that means dude. Do I what, do I go here? Yeah, yeah I do. I live in, uh, Westington. Yo you mind if I get a beer?

Dear UMass Freshman Wearing a Backpack Who Just Walked Into My Party,

With finals coming up, I’m afraid I won’t be able to spend as much time with my boyfriend as I want to before he goes abroad in the spring. Do you have any tips for balancing life and schoolwork during finals week?

—Stumped in Stone

Dear Stumped,

My boy Jack tried to strangle a bouncer last night and got us all banned from McMurph’s. What a jerkoff, right? Kid can’t handle his booze. Hey, so do y’all throw parties like this every week?

Dear UMass Freshman Wearing a Backpack Who Just Walked Into My Party,

My suitemate’s gotten drunk almost every night since his girlfriend broke up with him two weeks ago. I’m really worried about him, but I’m also afraid of overstepping my boundaries if I try to get him to stop. What should I do?

—Perturbed in Pond

Dear Perturbed,

Back off bro, I didn’t steal anything from your lame-ass unlocked room. I brought this laptop here with me. And these cleats. And this Amherst College parking pass. So stop accusing me of shit. Actually, you know what, fuck it, fine. I’ll leave. Fuck Amherst. Y’all are boring anyway. I’m keeping the laptop.

The UMass Freshman Wearing a Backpack Who Just Walked Into Your Party is a regular contributor to the Amherst Muck-Rake. His column appears on alternate Fridays.