D-bag Friend Won’t Stop Talking About His Samsung, Galaxy

Boston, Massachusetts — This past year, Gary Harper decided to switch from his iPhone 5 to a Samsung Galaxy, stating that he “just wanted to try something new.” According to his friends, Harper will not stop talking about his Samsung Galaxy.

“The dude will not shut up about his Galaxy,” said one of Harper’s friends, Michael Anderson. “He’s had it for a month and anytime he has to do anything on his phone, he first verbally prefaces what he’s about to do, by saying, ‘well let me just get out my Samsung Galaxy.’ He’s driving everyone insane.”

Apparently, Harper’s friends have gotten to the point where they have stopped inviting him places because they hate hearing about his Galaxy.

“Gary is out of hand,” said ex-girlfriend, Kelly Lattimore. “We had a great relationship until that damn phone came into his life. Suddenly he acted like he was so much better than everyone. He even criticized my Mom’s cooking. He told her that she, ‘must have gotten that recipe from an iPhone.’ She didn’t. She got it from my late grandma.”

Harper has even stooped so low as to start calling Siri a slut and berating his friends for using such a gutter-trash voice operating system, stating that “At least Cortana doesn’t her open legs for anyone who asks.”

“We get it,” said Anderson, “He thinks his phone is functional, and he likes it a lot. But you should see Gary when we have a group iMessage. He always asks us to switch to ‘WhatsApp’ if we’re going to group chat, and it’s like, Gary, no!”

We asked Harper about his Samsung Galaxy obsession, and he responded by saying, “Oh yeah, my friends are all iPhone users and they don’t know what they’re missing, I mean look at this.”

Harper then tried to show us his phone, but an error message appeared on the screen, followed by a blue screen and then his phone shut off. Harper then quietly swore, and said, “Every damn time…”