Catholic fans call for head of manager; 'We wanna be a Big five religion'

After a consistently bad set of results, Catholic fans seem to have lost faith in their manager and are calling for his head.

'The Pope was alright for getting us out of the lower divisions of theology,' a caller told Radio Five Live's Sunday phone-in, 'but he's out of his depth at the top level'.

After an embarrassing home defeat against the Buddhists, who swiftly took the moral high ground and were four nil up at half time, many catholic fans were seen streaming out of their pews and heading for the Cherry Tree, the nearest pub to St Chads in Norwood Junction.

'The buddhists played us off the park,' one caller told Five Live's religious host, Michael Ball, 'we were playing with a basic Christmas tree formation, but the buddhists looked spiritually stronger in every position.'

The catholics seemed to perk up immediately after half time, when the Pope is rumoured to have read the riot act, and threatened some under performing stars with hell and damnation. But the Buddhists soon asserted their moral authority and, though they didn't score any more goals, managed to kill the game off while keeping control.

New catholic chairman, property developer Ron Noades, has already angered the fans by proposing a ground share with local rivals, the Church of England. On paper it looks a good fit. The CoE has much better facilities, being one of Britain's biggest landowners and it has pitiful attendance rates. But the CoE management angered catholics in south norwood by conducting a couple of oppressive centuries, during which many controversial decisions were made about the fate of catholic bishops. 'None of the decisions ever seemed to go our way,' said one Papal Nuncy, 'I'm not one to criticise referees, but when you see Cromwell crowding around the man in black, urging him to wave the red card, well, that's not the sort of thing you want to see in theology.'

There are few decent catholics coming through the youth system, whereas Muslims seem to be a hotbed of religious fervour. 'They're going to be the team to beat,' said Alan Mullery, ex manager of both Brighton and Crystal palace and a former Spurs and Fulham player. 'They keep it tight at the back but when they break out, they all come pouring forward. And sometimes it's difficult to defend against that.'