Friday, March 2, 2012

Where is the GAS?

First of all, let us all pray for the victims of the NOC bomb blast and their families. Our Home Minister is busy preventing political pressures and implementing zero tolerance policy on police corruption that he has no time to formulate security measures to prevent such incidents.

I think our ‘Homie’ has been quite successful in his attempt to reform the police force. He has resisted pressures from other political parties to transfer or promote senior police officials.

Well, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t had fun moving them police wallahs around. He gets to pressure them all by himself, kya.

And yes, our traffic police wallahs are less corrupt nowadays since they get a cut of them traffic violation tickets issued to those who refuse to wear the seatbelts, ignores the overhead bridges or happens to drink a peg of whisky at his friend’s wedding.

Our APF wallahs have already learnt how to make a few dinero from the border checkpoints. Our cops still get free apples from the fruit sellers, free recharge cards from the illegal parking operators and free booze and snacks from the late night joints in town.

Our government would rather spend our dough on their own cadres, contractors and cousins than use some of it to strengthen our intelligence units.

I think our intelligence agents could get more reliable information from the local chiya pasals and bhattis, but thanks to our policewallahs, everybody has stopped drinking after 8pm and most of our chiya pasals don’t have cooking gas to make them special chiyas.

Finally, we have some ‘smart asses’ at NOC who have decided to introduce consumer cards so that we can all get some cooking gas.

Not all NOC employees are corrupt but all of them from peon to the hakims seem to have rich in-laws or come from ‘hunay-khaney’ families. No wonder, all of them employees seem to be loaded.

You and I will get them ‘red card’ rey, and the businesses will get the ‘blue card’ but I think our NOC officials would have done us a favor if they had issued a ‘white’ card to all politicians and hakim sahebs. Then we would have matched the colors of our national flag, ni. Red, White and Blue!

White cards will get our netas cooking gas within 15 minutes of calling the NOC hakims and they don’t even have to pay for it. The national dhukuti will cover it, kya. This is what happens when a bunch of freeloaders get to run the country!

NOC plans to sell them cooking gas at cost price to businesses and the profits will then help them to provide discounts to students and needy families, rey. We all know how the system works.

The real students and needy ones will get nothing while the political chamchas and cousins will get ‘cheaper’ cooking gas.

While we have to stay in line for hours to get a few liters of petrol, our police wallahs and personal assistants of our politicians can just cut the line and fill up their tanks. Talking about personal assistants, let us all feel sorry for Mr. Yadav, the PA to our State Forest Minister.

The fool got caught red-handed while receiving bribe at a restaurant in Anamnagar. Somebody forgot to tell him that our intelligence agents are all busy drinking lemon soda and having chicken chowmein at all them food joints around Singha Durbar. Nobody really gets caught taking bribes in ‘New Nepal.’

He must have really pissed off someone at the Forest Ministry, hola. I guess he forgot the mantra of ghooskhori jadoo! ‘Sharing is caring,’ ki ke bhanchha ni.

Dr. Saheb wants to wrap up the road widening projects in the Valley even though there is no budget or coordination among them NEA, NTC and Sadak Bivag wallahs, rey. Somebody needs to remind our ‘Smarty Pants’ that his job is to wrap up the Peace Process and give us a new Constitution.

Yes, we do have a little bigger (and dustier) roads now and we will have more traffic jams because we, the pedestrians, will now have to compete with all the micros, tyampoos and bikers to get to the other side, kya.

On the bright side, we may have no security (all police wallahs have been deployed to guard our VVIPs and sarkari offices!) and no cooking gas, either, (party palaces and politicians get first priority!) But let’s all be proud and drink some Guinness because we now have the oldest, shortest man on Earth and two adventurers have won an award for being the greatest adventurers of the year.

We can learn a thing or two from Sherpa and Sunuwar. Yes, we don’t need a budget to get things done; but unlike our government agencies, we do need coordination and team work, kya.