I Had Become Toxic…

A little over a year ago I interviewed to take my boss’ job when he left our company. He and I had been connected at the hip for over two years and I was incredibly fortunate and grateful that he had subsequently endorsed me and advocated on my behalf to take his position. Additionally, throughout the hiring process, I had eight hour long interviews and I believed I had hit grand slams with each of them. I had even asked each interviewer to make me their top candidate, to which a majority agreed. I felt incredibly confident that the position was mine to lose.

But when the decision was ultimately made.

I didn’t get it.

And I was completely devastated.

I mean like, it thoroughly wounded me.

I don’t pour my heart and soul into many things, but I had poured my heart and soul into this.

And not getting the position was like a dagger in my heart.

I’m not trying to be super melodramatic here for effect. This is what I really felt on the inside. And it was hard to not feel it on a moment by moment basis. Even worse, it was hard to not live out of the wound and the pain that was there.

I’m not sure if you have ever lived out of a wound, but let me tell you- it is a place of death.

It is angry.

It is bitter.

It is hateful.

It is prideful.

It is toxic.

And it makes you all of the things you were never intended to be.

The truth is that the easiest thing in the world to do is ignore the wound and let it fester, but it will ultimately become the source from which you begin to live your life. The toxicity will spread and manifest in how you see people and situations, how you relate with others, and in the words you use and the actions you take.

A neglected and infected wound is toxic and leads to death.

And I am ashamed to say… that was me.

The other day I was talking on the phone to a friend with whom I talk every day. While I came into this new year resolved to mentally move forward, there was still a lot of hostility in my words that came from my deep wound.

That’s when my friend said something that made me completely stop in my tracks. He was like, “Outside of work you have so much peace, but at work you really have a lot of anger.”

I knew he was right.

While I had been trying to mentally move forward, I had buried my deep and concealed wound and was living out of it. And while it had been full of death and was completely toxic, I had never taken time to face it, to introspect, to pray over it, and open myself to get the healing that I so desperately needed. I had just tried to ignore it and move on, but it was there the whole time killing me.

It’s easy to get into a place where one selectively introspects. We all have blind spots. And if I had not been pushed by my friend, I would have never been forced to look inward, to ask where this death is coming from, to face the wound and what caused it, and then what continued to perpetuate it.

The truth about myself that I had been avoiding is that I have a wound and I have been living out of it for over a year. And guess what? It will not heal until I humbly face it and ask the Spirit of God to do the inner work that only the Spirit can do- to heal my toxic wound and replace it with love, contentment, and joy. That’s where my prayer and attention is focused now. And it’s amazing how liberated I feel and how unburdened I have become.

I can’t overstate how important it is for each of us to have people in our lives that we allow to speak truth to us.

Sometimes, even with our best intentions, we are woefully myopic and painfully selective. But it goes beyond having someone who will speak truth to us. Even though it may hurt our ego and any sense of pride in our lives, for real, lasting healing we have to put down our defenses and peacefully listen to the truth about ourselves.

For it is only in a posture of humility and invitation that we can receive the kind of truth that can pierce our ego and pride and allow the necessary work to be done at the source of our wound to make us whole and healed from the inside out.

8 thoughts on “I Had Become Toxic…”

Thanks for sharing Brandon. I can’t help but think I have some similar wounds lurking, although I am not even sure I know the true source of them yet, but reading this has brought the symptoms to my attention. I would ask that you say a prayer for me asking Him to show me the wounds and help me through the healing process.

Brandon Andress is the author of three books: Beauty in the Wreckage- Finding Peace in the Age of Outrage (2018), AND THEN THE END WILL COME! (2013), Unearthed– How Discovering the Kingdom of God Will Transform the Church and Change the World (2010).
He podcasts at Outside the Walls (Available on iTunes, Spotify, Google Play, and Stitcher) and VOICES (Available on iTunes, Google Play, and Stitcher). Brandon writes for his popular blogs Brandon Andress and A Joyful Procession. He earned his MBA from Indiana Wesleyan University and his BA in Psychology from Hanover College. He loves the outdoors, hiking, camping, and traveling.