Saturday, August 16, 2008

Holy god (allow me to be irreverent and ironic right off the bat)! Senator John McCain saw the opportunity to finally get out there and grease the skids with the religious right and man, did that sallow septuagenarian hit his mark.

As the light shone down from the hallowed rafters of Reverend Rick Warren's Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, CA, John McCain broke the indoor speed record for evangelical ass-kissing by one person. Honestly, does one person really need to invoke Reagan's "shining city on the hill" schtick, Rwandan Missionary work, Georgian 3rd century Judeo-Christian roots and Mother Theresa in under four minutes?

The best part was when Pastor, er Reverend, uh high media priest...whatever Warren asked what makes him a follower of Christ and Senator McCain told a story about his captivity and a guard who showed him not only a semblance of mercy while being tortured, but drew him a cross in the dirt and shared a moment as two Christians. Fine, great story. Would look great on film except...John McCain to this day, refuses to stop referring to his captors as anything but "gooks". Okay fine, Christian gooks then. Another "hey, nobody's paying attention" high point was when Senator McCain humbly referred to some of the "worst places in the world", "dark corners", "little places like Belarus" in a way that made you tear up from the admiration he was emoting; wait a minute, did you say "Belarus"? You mean the same sh*thole you used as a punchline when you wanted to jokingly exile uber-lobbyist and former senator Phil Gramm after he called us a nation of whiners? Yeah it was and tonight you set things straight. Well, hats off to you Senator!

And in all fairness, Obama sucked. He tried to be sincere, but came off as verbose and trying way too hard. Cut the man some slack though; he just was in Hawaii for a week. Take it from me, if there's one place in the world that's going to cause some mental atrophy, it's that place.

We also have to give MCain credit where credit's due for smoking Obama in the speed round for answering "at the moment of conception". Boom! done! "Thank you ladies and gentlemen and good night. Don't forget to vote for me on one issue and only one".

And one more thing before I have to get ready for church. Why aren't there hordes of secular Americans AND people of faith who have an academic understanding of our Constitution marching on Washington in protest that the first semi-official showdown between two candidates for the President of the United States was in a mega-church?! Oh that's right, we're in the minority.

Monday, August 04, 2008

I would've given a years salary to be in on the ad agency's pitch meeting.

"Okay so we're going to have daytime fireworks but using paint instead punctuated by classical music with a spooky-ass clown running around wildly as the true personification of hue-addled jubilation. Work with me people! This'll be spectacular! If you don't sign-off on this, you're all a bunch of myopic philistines!"

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Apparently Liz Taylor is in the hospital for one of the 1674 ailments her body is wracked with; sad enough. But what is really sad was the statement her publicist let loose with:

"Ms. Taylor is fine. Her hospital visit was precautionary. She will be returning home shortly. At present, she is surrounded by family, friends and fabulous jewels."

"Fabulous jewels", "fabulous jewels"?! In the midst of an economic tailspin, a constitution under siege and reality shows, Dame Elizabeth Taylor's publicist chose words that might've resonated entertainingly in the early 60's or 80's but now they're vulgar, out of touch and stupid.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Jack Cafferty, curmudgeon extraordinaire on CNN nails it on the head regarding McCain and his pissy, envious hypocrisies.

We have to point out that the the latest McCain ad which includes Britney Spears and Paris Hilton just underscores how ridiculously out of touch he is with pop culture and the youth vote. Hilton and Spears are so 2005 it's not even funny. They're yesterday's news. But then again, this is coming from a guy if asked who should be a singled out in an ad showing sexpots with international appeal he probably would say Elke Sommer and Gina Lollobrigida

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