Thursday, November 13, 2008

A difficult start to the day

So I wake up this morning and some news program is telling me that the shopping cart I load up with food for my family is about as filthy as a public toilet. Then I turn the channel and another news program is telling me my vacuum is another cesspool, spreading germs all over my house. I turn off the television.

I go downstairs to see the kid off, straighten up the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. While wiping down the counter, I see something that didn't quite rinse down the drain.

?

I take a closer look and see that it's moving.

??

I blink back the momentary confusion only to realize it's a slug. A slug was crawling out of my kitchen sink drain. This, people, is not a good way to start the day.

12 comments:

the little one and i were making pancakes the other day and while sifting flour into a bowl, we see something granular left in the sifter. and upon closer look, it was also moving. some teeny worm...and then another. since lemon-blueberry pancakes are mandated every other sunday morning, dear (S)wine rushed out to buy new wormless flour so we could have wormless pancakes.

I have always wondered about those shopping carts--you see, as a bachelor I think of a supermarket as an ATM machine that dispenses food instead of money.

So I only get what I need, and stand like a schmuck in those self-serve cashier things--which let's face it are the greatest invention since pantyhose.

Anyway, since I am only getting a little "guy stuff" like Powerbars and three cans of Axe Phoenix Bodyspray, I always but my $H!T in that little fold-out part that the little Trig's sit in.

But what if some housewife is wheeling her Trig down the cereal aisle and the Trig sees some Super Sugar Crisp or something and gets excited because of all the subliminal advertising he saw on the Pokemon commercials and whizzes in that little sit-the-kid-down part?

That is where I put the lettuce and $H!T.

I guess I have lived so far so I really shouldn't think about this stuff.

What's the deal with people who look at you funny when you wheel a cart through the self service? It just says, "12 items or less," it doesn't say, "...and make sure not to violate the Secret Fraternal Order of Kroger Shoppers and only come here with a handbasket..."

Don't get me started on that Aldi store either. That store was invented by a bunch of socialists from Sweden. If you don't put a quarter in that stupid slot and get a shopping cart, you have just joined the untouchable caste. I'm so sorry, Sahib, that I don't walk around with a bunch of f*ckin' quarters in my pocket; I quit that paper route a little while ago.

Ugh, I have that same issue with the shopping carts. I know they have to be nasty germy. The one we go to has a dispenser of Clorox wipes near the carts and I always give mine a quick wipe-down before I go any further. I know it pisses off the people behind me who have to wait but I don't care. Staph!

On the other hand, I like the Aldi system. You get the quarter back when you take the cart back. It keeps people from leaving shopping carts all over the parking lot so they can run wild and put major dents in your car. Yes this actually happened to me. Not cool. It solves the problem of the stupid person who is too damn lazy to put the carts back where they belong.

As for wormy flour and slugs, blechhh! I chilled when I read that! haha.

Yah, so I heard that you were so upset that you phone the Goat and said, 'Goat, come home quick and save me' and so the Goat motored home and saw that you were really pale and so without asking you what was wrong he grabbed a fistful of whiskey and went hunting for a glass, but then he saw that you were really really pale and so then (still without asking what was wrong... this is important now) he held out the bottle of whiskey.

"Here, take a slug," he said.

And he wonders why he got such a bad reaction!

Don't ask me how I heard this.

Just know that I have my sources, and that I can invent shit to fill in the blanks with the best of them.

Here's a moral dilemma for you. You're in one of those fast food restaurants where you're supposed to get your own soft drink--usually Burger King or Arby's, but, increasingly, McDonald's as well. Now, once you've poured your drink, you go get your lid. You accidentally pick the wrong size lid. Easy to do, as a small/medium lid really isn't all that much smaller than a large (before 1985, the mediums WERE large.) Now, what do you do with that wrong size lid? Put it back? Well, I know my hands are clean and germ-free, but someone watching may not know that, and besides, you're setting a poor example for someone whose hands may be caked in bacteria. So the morally righteous thing to do is just throw away the lid unused. EXCEPT that that lid is made out of plastic. Indestuctable plastic. Plastic that may still exist long after humans have evolved into either big, floating brains, or dolphin-like creatures (depending on whether you believe Star Trek or Kurt Vonnegut.) And, of course, the big, souless, multinational fast food company will want to replace that lid, thus introducing more carbon into the atmosphere, thus contributing to global warming, etc.

So, there's your dilemma. Good hygene vs saving the planet.

Of course, you could always have that soft drink WITHOUT a lid. In my case, unfortunately, a lifetime of eating fast food has conditioned me to do likewise.