5 New Year's Resolutions That Really Go For It

The New Year is a chance for a new beginning. This year, when you're considering your New Year's resolution, instead of committing to something small and safe like going to the gym once a week, why not really go for it?

Every year you play it safe and try to lose the five pounds of weight that you put on during the holiday season. This year, you should go for it! Yes, you could lose that weight OR you could grow eighteen inches and become a tall person who is skinny for their height. You're probably thinking, but I finished growing in high school. Don't let negativity keep you from becoming the person you want to become. You can do anything you set your mind to and this is the year to GO FOR IT!

Looking for love this year? Don't play it safe and resolve to date more. This year, start a cult of adoring acolytes who love you as their new lord and savior and who worship the ground you walk on. Which would you rather do? Play it safe and make small talk with some person you met while online dating, or go for it and make grand speeches to people who shiver when you touch them with your divine fingers. 2014 is your year! Start a cult, become a sex god, and GO FOR IT!

Money is on everyone's mind this year. The safe resolution is put 15% of your paycheck into savings every week. And yes, you could do that... if you want to live in SNORESVILLE! YOU HAVE TO GO FOR IT! So don't save your money this year! Spend your money! On lotto tickets! And win the lottery! Not once or twice, but FIVE TIMES! After a couple of months of saving your paycheck, you'll have a couple hundred bucks saved up. After winning the lottery, you'll be a multi-billionaire! The only thing stopping you is you! GOOOOOO FOOOOOOOR IIIIITTTTTT!!

Hoping to travel more this year? Maybe to Europe or the Middle East? NO! Europe and the Middle East are safe! This year, go for it and go to the moon! And once you get to the moon, prove to humanity and more importantly to yourself that you can live there. You're probably saying, "But but but but but, there's no air on the moon!" Is a lack of habitable atmosphere going to keep you from reaching your dreams? If yes, then fine, enjoy safe Baghdad. You can do anything you set your mind to, and that includes developing new technology that converts our lunar wasteland into a livable wonderland. A Nobel Prize is waiting for you, all you have to do is GO FOR IT!

To the Sudan. If you thought it was enough to be a better friend to the people around you, you're wrong! You're still playing it safe! Go for it this year and be a better friend to people who really need a friend and some potable water to drink. Every night after work, rather than going home and putting on Netflix, go to the Sudan and hang out! If you want to put yourself out there more this coming year, what better place to start than this sub-Saharan area in need. While you're at it, be a better friend to Haiti and the Philippines as well and GO FOR IT!