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I'm truly not sure where to put this forum, but it does involve my parental/family members. In all honesty, I don't even know how to start this off.. how about a pit of the past?
As long as I could remember, I had lived with my grandparents.. which, my Grandmother must have extreme bipolar disorder or.. narcissistic personality disorder.
Her, and I had a love hate relationship..
She would back me up in a corner and yell at me about something that I had done wrong, which would usually lead to physical abuse.. one time had gotten so bad that I was sent off to school with a black eye and I was crying the whole time..
Teachers, never cared to ask.
But of course I was only in the 6th grade, so it probably didn't matter to them.
Last year, I had gotten sick of the pushing, and pulling of being in the same household as my grandparents and decided to move back in with my mother; Which, she had given me up to my grandparents.. so that doesn't make any sense - but she accepted me back in.
Over here, it's a completely different atmosphere, they don't talk to me, they don't pay attention to me in the least little bit..
My parents are alcoholics.
I don't eat - not because I don't want to, but because there is nothing here to eat. The only thing that is in the fridge is water, and beer, and in the freezer, ice, and Tequila.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but I used to go to therapy for my cutting issue, I didn't cut for attention, or for some sort of.. acceptance. I had done it because I felt like, it was the only thing in my life that had been keeping me sane.
I've been diagnosed with paranoid Schizophrenia, my father had it. But we'll discuss this on another set, and time.
Lately, I've been feeling empty, I'm not on any type of medication because my parents pulled me out of therapy because they thought it 'wasn't helping. ' Which, it was - and I tried to ask why they had taken me out, why they hadn't gotten me my prescriptions and their answer was
" We don't have the money. "
That's all their excuses when it comes to me, they don't have the money.
but they have the money to but $600 dollar chairs, and ipads, and to put $20 in some sort of account for a fucking child that hasn't been born yet.
I don't feel like I'm part of this family, I feel like I don't belong any where at all. They can't even pay for my $30 phone bill.. and before you guys go all " It's just a phone. " There's no housephone, and I'm always home alone.
And when I try to stick up for what I need, they take it as me attacking them and they kick me out of the house..
The option I have, is to go back to an abusive household to where I was at least.. fed? I don't know.
What do I do? How do I react to this?
What can I do to tolerate it?
Or am I fucked either way, excuse me for the language.

Here's what I'd do. If you're not 18, I'd get one of those rip a day calendars, and each day, celebrate that you're one day closer to leaving for good.

In the mean time, work on those skills and abilities so you can leave home in a good way...stay in school, or get a job, etc. Things that will add normalcy and structure and predictability to your life. Don't forget good people to support you, too.

Childhood isn't forever, at some point you really do move on and 'Feel' like an adult...the past fades into a dim memory. Between now and then you can help yourself by staying on task to learn the skills and practice the abilities that will help make sure that adulthood really is much different than your childhood.

I'm sorry for the late reply, but I just wanted to add that your parents could be charged with child negligence. They are aware you have a severe mental illness, one that requires medication and therapy, yet they aren't providing you with the means to obtain those crucial services. If you are willing to do so, I would consider calling Child Protective Services and seeing what your options are. Sometimes, a social worker will check up on you and your parents to ensure they are getting you the help you need. If they fail to spend the money on you (vs. alcohol and other things), then you may be removed from the home and placed in someone else's care (obviously it can't be your grandmother's, since she was physically abusive, but perhaps another relative's or a foster family's). Sometimes, CPS can provide you with the mental health services you need free of charge (and they will make it mandatory that your parents bring you to the sessions) - it depends on what psychological professionals they have on staff, though.