”The Real World”: Drunk and drunker

When faced with the decision of whether or not to hate Wes for the remainder of her time in Texas, Rachel expressed my own feelings exactly: ”I don’t think I have enough energy to deal with it.”

In that spirit, I’m trying something new tonight, because I fear my last few TV Watches on Austin have been a touch too harsh. If I followed my typical Real World routine — watch things on a screen, bitch, bitch, moan, bitch, then criticize people behind their backs — I’d just be doing more of the same. Actually, I’d be doing exactly what Lacey does every day, and Lacey is annoying. So here goes:

This week’s episode was amazing and really entertaining. I didn’t mind that no one managed to capture on tape the two most important events (Nehemiah getting into a fight while waiting in line for a bratwurst and Wes allegedly slapping Rachel so hard ”it made a sound”), because this way it left more to the imagination. Plus, this way I got to stare at Wes, who is even hotter when he’s drunk and definitely not a pathetic jerk, for a larger percentage of the show.

Wes seems be maturing. First he threatened to ”slap the f—” out of Rachel, but he ended up only fake-slapping the f— out of her. That was cute! It’s funny when people hit each other and break doors and don’t remember it the next day. What a silly guy, and did I mention gorgeous, smart, and eloquent? My corduroy baseball caps in multiple colors (which I bought throughout the season because Danny always looks cool when he wears them) all go off to Wes’ parents and anyone else who helped make him the way he is. Way to go, geniuses!

After spending the night doing voluntary push-ups in jail, poor Nehemiah had to step up and finish the South by Southwest documentary by himself. Actually, he’s now $3000 poorer. Wow. I wish I could become $3000 poorer and not have it affect me in the slightest. If MTV paid out of pocket, that’s one thing, but if they advanced Neh $3000 from his check, that must mean the roommates get paid a lot more than that at the end of the season.

Whatever the amount is, I for one think it is completely deserved. It’s hard work doing what they do, even though I still have no idea what exactly that is. They’re all so great at it. Therefore, this past Friday, after a long day of being awake and attempting to earn money, I set out to imitate the Austin cast, because — well, this is kind of embarrassing, but if you can’t tell the truth in a sarcastic manner over the Internet, where can you? — they have really become my role models over the past few months.

Anyway, I tried to drink for three nights straight and act like an idiot and pig out, and although I was much better at doing these things than many of the other losers around me, it was hard to live up to the high standards set by Austin. I couldn’t even start fights with strangers who did nothing to provoke me, because I kept getting sleepy and stressed out about everything I should be doing other than being a complete drain on society. I gotta hand it to my role models for making hard work look so easy.

While Danny ass-gazed at girls grinding on top of the bar, and Wes stopped dancing with various groupies long enough to make sure the camera was rolling — don’t worry Wes, we all saw you, and none of us thought you were a tool just then, and if anyone did, that’s just mean — Nehemiah sat at the computer alone wearing only a pissed-off expression and an inexplicable sleeping mask above his eyes. It was probably there to remind everyone what a hard worker he is, and boy was that effective. Nehemiah rocks.

I’m sure that the final movie also rocked and that MTV chose to make it online-only not because it totally sucked but because its excellence would have distracted us from some of the touching moments of the rest of the episode. Like that time when Wes told us he was ”more than willing” to let Nehemiah do the rest of the work on the film. That was really generous of him. And that scene where the guys wore those outrageous tuxedos to their premiere. I swear, Wes plus Nehemiah equals pure comedy gold. They should pitch a movie in which two clueless people wear hilarious costumes to a big event. You can’t make stuff like that up!

Did I say Lacey was annoying before? That was just plain uncalled for. The old Annie might have wanted to rip on Lacey for that neon monstrosity of an outfit she experimented with during this episode and the last one, but the new Annie understands now that Lacey is just creative and quirky. It’s really cute. Lacey’s pretty. I love her hair. Also, Paris Hilton is talented, Carson Daly is funny, and this country isn’t going straight to hell on a dirt road paved in celebrity bling. I love my new outlook. See you next week for the season finale and the most depressing night of my life.

What do you think? Did Wes really slap Rachel a second time? Who really bailed out Nehemiah? And will next week’s in-house brawl be delicious icing on the cake of an already amazing season?