I was around the age

I was around the age of 16 when I first started questioning my sexuality. I grew up in a very conservative, religious (Catholic, actually) environment. I went to a private Catholic high school. My only option was to be straight. But still I questioned. I wondered if maybe, just maybe I liked girls. But I wasn’t supposed to. It was “wrong,” right? There was this girl in my class. I used to admire her from afar. I thought she was beautiful and had a lovely personality and obviously I just really wanted to be friends with her. It couldn’t be a crush, could it? We were both girls. That wasn’t allowed. That “wasn’t right.” Time went on. I continued questioning, wondering. At the age of 18, I finally figured out that I was bi. I was terrified to tell my family but I finally did. As well as a friend of mine. I started watching this show on Youtube called Carmilla (Go watch it, everyone. It has living LGBT characters). I fell in love with Laura who is so like me it’s ridiculous. I fell in love with Hollstein. And then S2 happened and they broke up and I swear if they don’t get back together and be endgame in S3 the writers will be hearing from me. But breakup or no breakup, Hollstein gave (and gives) me hope.So did Clexa. Clarke and Lexa’s relationship was built on such a strong foundation of mutual respect. I started low-key shipping them from the moment they interacted. But my shipping of them intensified when 2×10 aired. And when the 2×14 kiss leaked, I was so excited. A f/f ship on a TV show that I shipped that was actually canon. It felt like a dream. The episode was great and ended with Clexa marching into battle together. The armies of Skaikru and Trikru being led by two girls in love. It was amazing. And then the betrayal happened. And then the agony over whether or not Alycia would come back for season 3. (But at least Lexa didn’t die, right?) And then we found out she would be. Since before the season started, people had been speculating about Lexa’s death. I dismissed the speculation. Called those who were doing it pessimistic and thought they were just being overly negative. Wished they would just shut up and trust the writers and let us all enjoy the show.

And then Season 3 came on. The plot was interesting, if a bit weird and disjointed. And Clexa. Clexa was like something out of a fanfiction. The Bow ™ The Vow ™ The Goodnight Scene ™ Bitanic ™ . Every episode got better and better for Clexa. Prior to 3×07, I was excited. Sure that things could only get better for Clexa. After all, the writers loved Clexa/Alycia/Eliza. They wouldn’t kill off Lexa. I couldn’t watch 3×07 live due to having class so I watched the next day on DVR. I enjoyed every moment of Clexa in the episode. When they kissed, had sex, and spoke to each other after, I was in heaven. And then. And then…a stray bullet shot through all that happiness. I literally stood up and started saying ‘no’ over and over again. No, this couldn’t be happening. They couldn’t be killing Lexa. They couldn’t be killing Clexa. They couldn’t be doing this. No. No. No. NO I cried with Clarke as Lexa died. When the episode was over, I sat in my chair and just cried hysterically. I had mourned fictional characters before. I had even cried over them. But nothing like this. This was the kind of crying I usually reserved for real life problems.

Lexa was more than a character to me. She was hope. Hope that being a woman who loves women does not need to mean being less strong or powerful. That it does not need to mean having a tragic life (ha). That one day I will find the Lexa to my Clarke and she will love me with all the respect and love that Lexa loves (loved) Clarke with. When Lexa died, so did my hope. I am getting it back, though, due to the passionate, caring, talented, loyal, badas (Trigedasleng for wonderful) Clexakru and all other members of the LGBT Fans Deserve Better movement. There’s a quote from Doctor Who that explains how I felt and am feeling. “You gave me hope and then took it away. That will make anyone dangerous. Imagine what it will do to me.” The 100 took my hope. It took my happiness. And I–and others–will not sit back and let showrunners get away with it. We will keep fighting with strength, wisdom, and compassion until representation is equal. Lexa’s fight may be over. But ours is not. It won’t be until LGBT representation is equal to straight and/or cis representation. Kom wor! For Heda! For Wanheda! But most importantly For us. For all the people for whom Lexa represented hope. Reshop, Heda. May we meet again. Maybe someday we will all get what we deserve