Welcome to Barely Legal: The Blog; This blog is run by two recent law school grads, Russ and Mike. Back when we were still law students, this was the most popular law student run blog in the world. Now, who knows what we are or what this blog is. Nevertheless, everything on this blog is uncontroverted fact, and should be interpreted as such.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Kroger's Chronicles # 6: Fun With Customers

If you've been reading these stories faithfully, you have noticed that none of my stories involve interactions with customers, who were, despite management's best attempts, the biggest morons in the store. Here are three of my favorites:

I had the day off one day, but went into the store to check my schedule. I was back in the video department, which was surprisingly busy. The two girls who were working had their hands full, so when the phone rang, I answered. There was a woman on the other end, and she asked me possibly the stupidest question I ever heard: "Do y'all deliver?"

"You mean deliver videos?", I asked.

"Yep", she eloquently said.

Having had a second to ponder the question, I gave her an answer. "Absolutely, ma'am. What can I get for you?" (Of course, we did not deliver videos).

She gave her 'order' to me, all the while I pretended to enter it into a computer. "Yes, we have that", I would tell her when she inquired about the availability of a certain title. All in all, she ended up ordering five movies. I prentended to ring her up, when she asked, "Can y'all bring me some groceries too?"

"Sure thing", I replied, and listened to her give me an order of groceries. Finally she finished and I gave her a 'total' and told her it would be about an hour. I thanked her and was hanging up the phone when she said, "Wait, don't you need my name and address?"

"Oh, we have that here in the computer", I replied. This seemed to satisfy her. I hung up and went on my way, neglecting to tell the two girls who were working what I had done. About two hours later, I got a phone call at home from Judy, my manager. "Mike, did you tell some lady we delivered videos and take her order?"

"Judy, what the hell are you talking about?"

"We have some irate woman here who said she called to order videos and groceries and that some guy took her order. Were you in the store?"

"I was, but I didn't talk to anyone."

"Mike, are you lying to me?"

"Judy, who are you going to believe? Me or some idiot who thinks we deliver videos?"

She seemed to agree with this logic, and I never heard a word about it again.

***************************************

If you will recall, the summer of 1996 saw the release of Cable Guy, with Jim Carrey. There was a lot of hype about this move due to the successes of Ace Ventura and The Mask. One day, I was working and a customer called up and asked if we had Cable Guy. This was a ridiculous question because the movie hadn't been released in theatres yet, let alone on video. But being the smartass I am, I told him we did. "Great", he said. "I've been calling around all day and y'all are the first ones to have it. Can you reserve me a copy?"

I told him I would and took down his name, and told him to come get it anytime. "I'll be there in five minutes", he said.

At this point, I went on my extra long lunch break.

When I got back, the girl I was working with, Missy, was laughing her ass off. "Did you tell some guy we had Cable Guy and then reserve him a copy?"

"Maybe", I replied, hesitantly.

"Well, he came in and I had no idea what he was talking about. I kept trying to explain that we wouldn't have Cable Guy for another nine months or so, and that it hadn't even been released in theatres. He was pissed, and said he would, and I quote, 'kill the motherfucker who was messing with him'". But don't worry, I convinced him that it was probably a wrong number he dialed, and someone was playing a joke. I told him that no guys were even working here today until later. So you'll be okay."

"Missy", I said, "you are the best co-worker a guy could have."

***************************************

One of the perks of working in the video department was being able to see any movie you wanted at any time. We had a TV/VCR that we showed movies on. We were only allowed to show G or PG movies, but we often put PG-13 or R movies in. One night, I was working alone and watching Pulp Fiction. A lady was renting a video and she was obviously deeply offended by the movie.

"Do you have to have this on?", she asked, angrily.

"Ma'am", I said, in the sweetest voice I could muster, "I don't like it either. It offends my religious values. But we have a mandate from the corporate office about what we have to show, and when we have to show it. I would turn this off if I could, but I could get fired."

She looked at me sympathetically and said "I understand. I'm just sorry you can't do anything about it. Tell you what: I'll call the corporate office and complain on behalf of both of us."

"Thank you, ma'am, and God bless you", I said as she left with her rental.