The real reasons why I aborted my second child: A mother's heartfelt tale

Abortion is now more common among pregnant mums than teenagers, new figures
show. Here, one mother explains the reality behind and reasons for her own
termination

More than 95 per cent of women don't regret their abortions

By Katie Barraclough*

4:04PM BST 13 Jun 2014

Katie*, 34, is a dental nurse. Her husband is 36. They live in Devon.

The contrast between the first time I held a positive pregnancy test in my hand and the second couldn’t have been any more stark. Watching that line turn blue, I felt sick to my stomach because I knew, without doubt, that I would beending this pregnancy at the earliest opportunity.

You see, I’d only got back with my husband a month earlier, after a short separation. The foetus inside me – I refused to think of it as a baby – was there as a result of the desperate, angry, ‘I’ll show you what you’re missing’ sex (unprotected at that) we’d had soon after he’d left me.

The fact that something so horrible and depressing would always be connected with that time, was just one reason why I didn’t want it to develop any more than it had to.

More than that though, was the fact that I still didn’t know whether our marriage was going to survive. Yes, we were back together: sharing a bed, a life, taking care of our 18 month year-old son and both desperate to make it work. But the pain of my husband’s betrayal – he had a six-month affair with a temp from the office and, after I found out, moved in with her for a fortnight before realising it was a terrible mistake – was still raw. I was tormented with images of them together inside my head whenever we made love.

When he left, part of my despair was at the thought of our son becoming a statistic living with a divorced parent. And I was fully aware that if we didn’t survive the rows that his guilt and my hurt were still causing between us - and no doubt would for some months to come - then I might have two children from a broken home, instead of one.

The first time I’d stared at a positive pregnancy test, I’d been so happy. I remember sitting on the end of our bed, a huge grin on my face, as I pictured myself with a swollen belly. It had been a truly happy moment in my life; one that held such promise of things to come.

Not every mum will rejoice at seeing a positive pregnancy test. Photo: GETTY

On that second occasion, now five years ago, I was sat in the same spot. But this time, I felt only grim determination to get everything over as quickly as possible. First I called in sick at work. Then I phoned the doctor’s surgery and made an emergency appointment to see my GP and get referred for an abortion. I was plotting to get rid of it before I'd even told my husband - who at that moment was downstairs getting our son ready for nursery.

I judged that he was too young to grasp the situation. So I went into the kitchen and told my husband, very matter-of-factly, that I was pregnant and soon planning not to be.

Later, he told me that was the most shocking thing - that I had told him in front of our small son. Although, thankfully, he agreed with my decision.

“It was your body, your choice,” he said.

My doctor agreed to the abortion on the grounds of ‘risk to injury of my mental health’. When I watched her write that down, I had my one and only wobble. Was that really true? If things had been different, this baby would have been a welcome addition to our family. It was being denied life, largely down to bad timing.

But the drive home from the surgery took me past my husband’s office and the stab of pain that caused strengthened my resolve. I went through the rest of the process on autopilot. By the time I had the abortion – I didn’t want to risk taking the pill, in case it didn’t work – I was suffering from morning sickness. At least the hospital visit would cure that.

When it was all over, I felt only relief. The guilt came much, much later when we started trying for another baby. By now, two years on, we’d repaired the damage caused by the affair and were stronger as a result.

My husband's horror at what he’d done had somehow helped him grow into a better father and husband. The love and trust I’d feared might never come back now felt so solid. I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him.

I fell pregnant quickly, within just the first month of trying. And when, for the third time, I held a positive test in my hand my first thought was: I don’t deserve this. I spent most of the pregnancy wondering whether I would miscarry due to some divine punishment. When I finally held my baby daughter in my arms I told myself that I must have been forgiven, otherwise why else would I have been allowed to have another perfect child?

But I live daily with the knowledge that I ended a life, not because it posed any risk to my own but because I simply didn’t have the emotional strength to cope with another child. And not even knowing the deep joy of being a mother could have changed my mind at that moment.

*For reasons of confidentiality, names have been changed.

Mums: have you had an abortion because you couldn't cope with having another child? Would you ever consider it? Join the conversation @clairecohen1 and @TeleWonderWomen