Outlaws: Crime in PhiladelphiaEven the criminals, the courts and the prisons of this town have a Philadelphia distinctiveness. The underworld has its own version of history.

Whither, Federal Reserve? (1) Before Our CrashThe Federal Reserve seems to be a big black box, containing magic. In fact, its high-wire acrobatics must not be allowed to fail. Nevertheless, it may be time to consider revising or replacing it.

Montgomery and Bucks CountiesThe Philadelphia metropolitan region has five Pennsylvania counties, four New Jersey counties, one northern county in the state of Delaware. Here are the four Pennsylvania suburban ones.

Laundered Money

Judge Edwin O. Lewis

Judge Edwin O. Lewis
finally got his way, the Pennsylvania State Government acquired four
blocks of Chestnut Street stretching to the East of Independence Hall,
and the Federal Government acquired four blocks stretching to the
North. Judge Lewis was determined that a real revival of historic
Philadelphia required the clearance of a lot of land. Those who heard
him describe it will remember the emphasis, "It must be BIG if it is to
serve its purpose."

The
open land is rapidly filling in, but for a time the movers and shaker
of this town had to scratch a little to find something to put there.
That's fundamentally why the historic district has a Mint, a Federal Reserve, a Court Houses, a Jail,
and a big Federal Building to house various local offices of the
landlord, the federal government. It's where you go to visit your
congressman, or to renew your passport, or to argue with the Internal
Revenue Service. If you have certain kinds of business, there's an
office for the FBI and the U.S. Secret Service. The mission of the Secret Service is a little hard to explain with logic.

The
Secret Service is a federal police organization, charged with
protecting the President of the United States, and enforcing the laws
against counterfeiting money. In unguarded moments, the Secret Service
officers will tell you they only have one function: to guard
three-dollar bills. The President only comes to town from time to time,
but the mandate extends to the President's family, and to the extended
family of official candidates for election to that office. So, there is
usually always a certain amount of activity relating to running behind
limousines with one hand on the fender, or poking around rooftops near
the speaker's platform at Independence Hall, or talking apparently to a
blank wall, using the microphones hidden in their ear canals. The rest
of the time is taken up with counterfeiters, but even then the
excitement is only occasional, depending on business.

A
few years ago, the buzz around the office was that some very good, even
exceptionally good, fake hundred dollar bills were in circulation in
our neighborhood. The official stance of The Service is that all
counterfeits are of very poor quality, easily detected and no threat to
the conduct of trade. Unfortunately, some counterfeits are of very good
quality, not easily detected, and when that happens, The Service is
made to feel a strong sense of urgency by its employers. These
particular hundred dollar fakes were of very good quality.

One
evening, a call came in. Don't ask me who I am, don't ask me why I am
calling. But I can tell you that a very large bag of hundred dollar
wall paper has just been tossed over the side of the Burlington Bristol Bridge, near the South side on the Jersey end. Goodbye.

Very soon indeed, boats, divers, searchlights, ropes and hooks
discovered that it was true. A pillow case stuffed with hundred dollar
wallpaper of the highest quality was pulled out of the river. By the
time the swag was located and spread out for inspection it was clear
that several million dollars were represented, but they were soaked
through and through. Most of the jubilant crew were sent home at
midnight, and two officers were detailed to count the money and turn it
in by 7 AM. The strict rule about these things is that all of the money
confiscated in a "raid" was to be counted to the last penny, before it
could be turned over to the day shift and the last officers could go
home to bed. After an hour or so, it was clear that counting millions
of dollars of soggy wet sticky paper was just not possible by the
deadline. So, partly exhilarated by the successful treasure hunt, and
partly exhausted by lack of sleep, the counters began to struggle with
their problem. One of them had the idea: there was an all-night
laundromat in Pennsauken. Why not put the bills in the automatic drier, so they could be more easily handled and counted? Away we go.

Burlington Bristol Bridge

At four in the morning, there aren't very many people in a public
laundromat, but there was one. A little old lady was doing her wash in
the first machine by the door. It was a long narrow place, and the two
officers took their bag of soggy paper past the old lady, and down to
the very last drying machine on the end. Stuffed the bills into the
machine, slammed the door, and turned it on. Most people don't know
what happens when you put counterfeit money in a drier, but what
happens is they swell up and sort of explode with a terrible loud
noise. The machine becomes unbalanced, and the vibration makes even
more noise. The little old lady came to the back of the laundromat to
see what was going on.

As soon as she got close, she could see hundred dollar bills
plastered against the window, and that was all she stopped to see. She
headed for the pay telephone near the front of the door. The secret
Servicemen followed quickly with waving of hands and earnest
explanations, but within minutes there were sirens and flashing lights
on the roof of the Pennsauken Police car. Out came wallets and badges,
everyone shouting at once, and then everything calmed down as the
bewildered local cop was made to understand the huge social distance
between a municipal night patrolman and Officers of the U.S. Secret
Service. Now, he quickly became a participant in the great adventure,
and was delegated the job of finding something to do with armloads of
(newly dried) counterfeit hundred dollar bills. He had an idea: the
local supermarket was also open all night, and they carried plastic
garbage bags for sale. Just the thing. But who was going to pay the
supermarket for the bags? Immediately, everyone was thinking the same
thing.

Fortunately for law and order, the one who first suggested the
obvious idea of passing one the counterfeits was the little old lady.
At that, everyone came to his senses. Wouldn't do at all, quite
unthinkable. The local cop was sent off for the bags, relying on his
ability to persuade the supermarket clerk. And, yes, they did get the
money all counted by 7 A.M.

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