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funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

Microwave Business: A Story of Teamwork

Writes our submitter in Washington, DC: “In my time at my job, the only real evacuations we’ve had are for the Virginia Earthquake, and, now, a microwave popcorn incident. While another floor was responsible, multiple members of my department took this as an opportunity to make statements about the frequent state of our very own sad microwave. I think this is a fine example of how a committed team can work together to create a masterpiece.”

It’s not a good microwave fire till something blows the door off. A word to the wise: if you ever have kids, make sure they understand that the chili has to come out of the can before it goes in the microwave.

Let’s just say that when I was 7, I put the whole can of chili in there and set the time for 5 minutes (cause, after all, I didn’t know how to do it, but I’d seen Dad do this all the time, so how hard could it be?), and came back 3 minutes later to a heavy thud and a mess. That was a tough one to explain…

Eh, it actually looks cleaner than the microwave at my work – and our’s hasn’t been on fire! Heck, I finally asked the manager’s permission to send out an e-mail with different requests (like please don’t put the silver register key in with silver coins when you empty the cash register at closing) and the final one was “Please cover your food in the microwave and if it pops and splatters please wipe it out while it’s fresh” – cause right now our microwave is pretty dang gross looking.

I posted a note directed at me a while back. I was loved and hated for what led up to the note but it was a pretty fun experience. To be called a bitch internationally was pretty exciting – usually that only happens locally. The PAN community is hard core, but I love you That said, Jami, being a PAN celebrity is pretty cool. So change that sign to Comic Sans and hop on board.

There’s this little space between our yard and the yard next door that people keep leaving their trash in. Usually those huge cans of cheap beer in black plastic bags. I really sometimes feel like putting up a sign about how it’s not a trashcan and they need to take those home, or if they’re homeless there’s a park a couple blocks away with trashcans they can use. And that I hope the skunk that lives between the fences sprays them right in the mouth.

Only thing stopping me is this usually happens in the wee small hours of the morning when it’s too dark to read. So what’s the point?

I’ve been working in the same office for nearly 15 years and a lot of my coworkers have been here longer than me.
There’s something odd about this place – even the guys who “retire” don’t really leave.

Notice how many people chimed in on the board? That’s DC for ya – always have to form a committee to make the most simple of policy decisions. I can only assume they’re performing a cost-benefit analysis over keeping the old microwave (the legacy system) and simply limping it along with some business rule changes and parts replacement or getting a new microwave with new, custom features including an automatic shut-off if burning popcorn is sensed and a triply-redundant fire control system. When finished, it will have 5 9s of reliability and can flash-microwave a rotisserie chicken in 8 seconds. It was supposed to be COTS product, but the department has special needs so a contractor will be hired to modify it. If approved by Congress, this special microwave will be ready in 3 years (but will actually be ready in 8) and will cost $1.2M (but will actually cost 2.4M).

Nonsense. You don’t just perform a cost-benefit analysis. You hire a consultant/retired team of co-workers to conduct a cost-benefit analysis of whether it’s worth it to hire McKinsey or Bain to do a full-fledged cost-benefit analysis on the microwave issue. Once that’s done (in 3 years), then you start the ball rolling on the thing you said, Elf.

Your kind of efficiency in the public service troubles me, Elf. Most egregiously, if I may say so.

And let’s not forget that the microwave oven manufacturer must be fully vetted for compliance with all government contractor policies regarding ethics, minority hiring, diversity awareness and sexual harassment policies, as well as being ISO 9000 compliant.

Erm, I only replace the tin foil once it’s gone almost black, so I am not sure what’s awry here at all.

If you sprinkle some baking soda, the fire will usually die. To make the smell go away, you can sprinkle some sugar on the element and let it burn for a while. If you don’t want to waste sugar, any sprig of conifer will do. Nobody will know you swiped it from the reception area or front of the building.

Nooooo! Don’t burn sugar onto your heating element! Not only is that also a fire hazard, but it is the bitchiest bitch that ever did bitch to clean off. Just give everything a good clean. Don’t be afraid to (gently) use a razor blade to get stuck bits off.

Unless you have one of those burners that’s concealed under a “glass” top, burnt sugar ashes come off the coil thing just fine.

The idiot who invented those glass concealment things was/is a moron or a sadist. The whole freakin’ surface heats up, not just the burner part so you can easily get hurt. Not only that, but if one of the burners itself needs replacing, it’s not nearly as easy to do as with the normal ones. In other words, don’t waste your money on those kinds of cook-tops.

I’ve actually owned both kinds of cooktops. I am also a very clumsy person. Sticky things are far, far harder to get off the coil burners, in my experience, and yes, that includes sugar. I honestly prefer the glass cooktop and I haven’t noticed any non-localized heating at all.

(Not saying you are wrong, mind you – but how are you getting your burner hot enough to turn sugar to ASHES? I have only ever gotten it to caramelize. Oh, does it caramelize… *sigh*)

As a fellow clumsy person, I hate those glass cook-tops because you can’t ever get it clean without scratching the glass, and everything sticks to it like crazy glue.

I sprinkle a pinch of sugar directly on the element and turn it mid-way up to 5 or 6. It bubbles and caramelizes at first and if you leave it on a bit longer (20-30 minutes max), it will disintegrate into ashes and falls right off the element on its own.

I’ve never had that happen. Wonder if it might be one of those weird things that works in one altitude but not another. Sort of like if you move from a high altitude place to a low one, you have to learn how to cook all over again. *grumble GRUMP*

I have to say I’ve never actually scratched my cooktop. Maybe you just had a finicky one?

I’m a renter, so I wasn’t the one who bought the glass cook-top; it came with the place. Even though it was new, it was a crap cook-top. The temperature control thing was really off, but for some reason the oven worked fine.

I doubt the laws of chemistry change. If you’ve got a glass cooktop, then it’s a cook-top problem. If it’s a regular one, maybe it doesn’t work because you’re putting the sugar on the centre circle thing and it doesn’t necessarily get as hot as the rest of the element.

My brother, after moving into his first apartment, decided to provide snacks for the help by making popcorn the old-fashioned way – on the stove. After popping the corn, and melting some butter, he readied a big plastic bowl – by putting it down on the turned-off but still-hot burner. Hilarity ensued, as did a horrible stench that never really went away.
The worst part, he did it again with a second bowl and another burner.

Previous owner put in a glass-topped stove range. I freakin’ love it. It is way easier to clean and cooks about the same as my previous coil one. What I’d love is a gas range, but that’s never gonna happen.

I used to have problems with electric cook tops. Both the coil and glass top kind. Then I switched to an induction cook top. I will never go back, ever. Induction is the best! All the control of gas, works almost as fast, and no issues with the damned coil being hot for days after it is turned off. And the best thing is that the glass cleans up easily with soap and water. The side benefit was that I got to buy new pots and pans that were made with a magnetic material.

The previous owners of my house did something that makes no sense to me. They put in a beautiful gas range and a *tiny* electric wall oven. I had to buy new cookie sheets because my old ones were too big for this baby oven. I love baking, but it’s a PITA now.

If I ever decide that home ownership is for me, instead of spending a shit load of money on a gas range, I’m going to build a brick oven outside instead. My grandmother and uncle had one of those and nothing came out tasting bad. Once you figure out how to control the temperature with the paddle thing, it makes amazing food.

Salt worked for putting out flames, too, fyi. Mostly because the baking powder/soda were both in the fridge and the salt shaker wasn’t. But man you look stupid salt-shakering a raging fire until your brain kicks in and you grab the BOX of salt.

Sounds like my little munchkins will feel right at home. The twins are pretty good with the cleaning (just soak their little onesies in Pine Sol and let them army crawl around), but they aren’t the best bartenders. I usually just let my 5-year-old mix the drinks before he puts the babies to bed.

Thanks for encouraging me, Elf and Kermit. I think I will build the outdoor brick oven I’ve always wanted this summer.

We have a gas range, and we love it. If your home is ready for gas, it’s not a very expensive change. Sometimes, you can find gas ranges for as little as $100 US. Mine was a hand-me-down. The only issue I have is one starter is bad, but a good lighter solves that problem. Although I could take some time and fix the starter…

I’ve had electric ranges in the past, and I don’t like them. I’ve also used glass cook tops, and I don’t like them, either. I’ve never used an induction cook top, but I’d like to try it out.

We also have two large electric ovens. They were also hand-me-downs, and would have been very expensive on their own. However, we love them. I did have to replace the computer on the ovens, which cost $200, but they work really well and we definitely use them a lot.

We had a gas oven before we got the two electric ovens, and the gas was nice because it heated up so quickly. It was also less expensive to use, as gas in our area is cheaper than electricity.

Outside, we have a charcoal smoker grill, and it gets used quite often. Still, though, we want a brick oven so we can bake bread and pizza. I have the perfect place to put it, I just need the bricks and the time to build it. The only problem is we have a lot of restrictions on wood burning where we live, so we have to pay attention to which days we can use the outdoor oven.

RE: Ranges and ovens:
I grew up with electric ovens and ranges (my grandfather worked for the electric company, go figure; his take on the “go Gas” slogan of the ’60′s was “Go Gas – Go BOOM”) but every apartment I’ve ever lived in and my current home have had a gas range. I LOVE it. Teaching my son to cook on it is a little dicey, but, baby-steps, right?
But the temp control on a gas oven sucks. Being non-electronic it has wild temperature swings due to the nature of a gas thermostat. Electric ovens > all. Until… the inevitable electronics failure. It is not enough to have a mere electric thermostat, it has to have an integrated temp. controller, timer and alarm clock. Which means its got a damn motherboard. About 10 years ago, just before a large party, my friend’s relatively new, top-of-the-line electric oven blew its motherboard, leaving them completely oven-less, with trays full of uncooked canapes and a main dish. I forget what it was (fish maybe), but I recall that it was not something that was amenable to microwaving. This was, of course, on Saturday, which meant no oven until at least Monday, or whenever they could get a main board. Aggravating.

As someone with a gas stove and oven, I have to key in here as well. You learn to deal with the little eccentricities of the gas. Burners? Wide open unless you absolutely must have low flame. Just learn to cook on high heat. Oven? Aim for somewhere close and adjust times as needed.

I’ve used electric ranges before, I hate ‘em. Cleaning the coils is a freaking nightmare, they take an age to get hot, and those glass-top ones are the dumbest thing in the world. “Oh, we already have a problem getting hot fast enough, so now let’s heat up a big chunk of glass as well. That’ll surely help!” Then you spill shit on the glass and it burns onto it and takes even longer to clean up.

I can clean my gas range with a wet rag and a bit of time. Only fiddly bit is relighting the pilot lights if one goes out.

The emails are dated April 2. Might this Great Nuke Fire have occurred on April Fool’s Day? How fitting. Try banning microwave popcorn in the workplace and see if it can be made into a Supreme Court case.

When I was in high school, I worked at my father’s snack-bar. There was a microwave in the other room with a ‘common sense’ sign on it not to put in anything metal. One day we hear this huge BOOM. I out to find our microwave destroyed, smoke everywhere, and a woman taking out a metal soup can. She started screaming at me that there had to be ‘something wrong with our microwave’ because she puts metal all the time in HER microwave and never has a problem. I always wished our poor microwave had taken this idiot with them on the way out.

From personal experience, I know what that end result looks like. It’s not pretty. Hilarious if you’re 7 years old, but not a good thing to do. Some microwaves handle metal better than others. The one we have here is a fuckin’ tank, capable of handling many minor mishaps (forgotten forks, can lids, that time I accidentally put the can opener in there…) and keeps on cooking food just fine.

The one we had before it, a forgotten fork caused it to fade quietly into the night, to the point where it wouldn’t cook anymore.