Friday, February 6, 2015

Growing and learning day by day

A lot has happened. Thankfully, it worked out pretty well.

The last few weeks were blissful. N was spending a lot more time with me, he was attentive and kind and cheeky with me again, and sex was more regular and amazing once again. But I felt more and more weighed down by my own guilt, about the lies that I kept inside and it was gnawing away at me every day. And then I projected that on to N, as the guilty always do, and I started feeling paranoid when he went out on weekends for the whole day while I was staying at home wondering if he was telling the truth.

See the thing is, I cheated on N too. I wasn't honest with anyone except with my therapist about G. G and I did have a few physical moments together. It weighed down on me a lot. But when I read those messages on N's old phone that he was cheating on me back then too, I got really angry and hurt.

Because we are both similar in the way that we are both very naive and stubborn. We came into this relationship thinking that for others the world may be grey, but for us, things were quite black and white. We thought that we would never cheat - yes we will some times flirt with others but hey it's all harmless! - we thought we would never be able to condone cheating too. N told me that he would walk out if I ever cheated on him.

He was afraid of the same thing too, that I would walk out on him.

When I confronted him at first, I gave him a chance to tell the whole truth about everything, before I said what I saw on his phone. He kept denying everything. It was completely unlike how it played out in the scenario I spoke with two of my friends back home in frenzied calls. This was what was supposed to happen: I'll tell N that everything has been going well, however, I've been getting a sense of deja vu that he is becoming busier again, and so I unfortunately snooped on his phone and found many incriminating evidence. Then I'll give him the chance to come clean to me, and I'll tell him that it's okay we will work through this together because I also cheated on him with G. But he kept denying and denying and denying. They told me to not date a liar - especially someone who seems pathologically dishonest.

You see the thing is I realized he has been consistently lying about a lot of things about this guy, R from Hong Kong. Turns out back in October R came to London to visit, and they both met up, got drunk, and N went back with R and R sucked him off and N came on his chest and face. I didn't know this of course - I was told that he had "dance practice." They flirted a lot throughout the next few months, and N wanted to break up with me. He made plans to go to Hong Kong to see R, without informing me, when initially he told me he didn't have the finances to go to Asia for Christmas break. He lied to me that he booked HK to surprise me, but then he told me not to go to HK because he wanted me to see my family at home instead. And all that he told me when I confronted him after NYE when I first saw those Whatsapp messages from R, he lied to me then too.

When I called him out on everything this time, telling him I know specifically that he had his dick sucked by R, and he came all over that guy's face, he started going into some sort of panic attack. The next hour was painful. He started avoiding me, going on his phone telling me he really needs to send an email out, and I told him I'll break up with him if he continues evading me. Eventually when I managed to get through to him, I told him I couldn't trust him anymore, and I needed to look through his phone now to make sure that nothing else is going on with other people. He was so resistant at first, but then he agreed, but told me that it is disgusting that I have to snoop on his phone and stuff, and he feels really naked and exposed. I told him he deserved such an interrogation, words that my best friend back home backed me up with when I asked her during my scenario-playing.

When I told him about G, everything changed even more. He started flaring up saying I was a hypocrite. I shot it back to him and said back in December when he found out about G, he was so sanctimonious with me when he actually was having a full-blown affair himself. Tempers flared a lot. I told him his was worse because he built an entire house of cards of perpetual lies with a full-out emotional and physical affair with someone else when mine were just a couple drunken lustful trysts in the school's bathroom. Fingers kept getting pointed. After a while we both calmed down and asked each other how do we proceed from there.

Trust is actually incredibly hard to build, but yet so easy to tear down. And it is essentially, integral to any healthy relationships. The really odd thing is, in some ways it was helpful that we both cheated on each other at the roughest ever patch that our relationship has gone through. We both handled it very badly, and looked for an external coping mechanism instead of confronting the problem with each other. It would have been terrible if only one of us was unfaithful - not that this was much less painful.

N started this year saying he wanted a fresh new start - I told him his definition of a fresh new start of being honest from 2015 onwards but lying about everything in 2014 and before is flawed, at least from my perspective. N's coping mechanism is complete denial - he told me he almost completely denied to himself that he did anything physical with R, who by the way, IMHO, is way fucking uglier than G. I am a lot more about talking everything out, laying everything out on the table. I asked him if he felt better now knowing that I know, he said yes, but he's also scared of how we were going to proceed from there.

Weirdly, it was quite easy. The thing is, we both fucking love each other. People do make mistakes. Ourselves included. That was the biggest lesson we've learned so far. And it is quite possible to forgive people, but it is much harder to forget. I can't really get the mental image out of my head of N cumming all over R's face, and N told me he doesn't really want to bump into G at my school because all he can think of is me licking his nipples because I like his pecs. We said no more lies from now on, complete honesty, even things that we might want to hide from the other to "protect" that person - I cautioned N about this, because I absolutely loathe being treated like a fucking fool with wool over my eyes. This is why I hate surprises - I hate birthday surprises too - because I get very shifty with uncertainty.

Now this is the weird part. N told me that he is so angry with G he wants to stab him. But he knows he can't go around stabbing people, so he said he wants to....fuck G so hard that it hurts him. I told him that G has had double penetration before so I don't know if it would even be painful for him. We somehow got to the topic of threesomes, and N finally relented that he may consider threesomes in the future, just as long as both of us aren't emotionally attracted to the third person. So he said maybe in the future I could watch N fuck G while G sucks me off, like in a spitroast.

Wow. That night, we had such fucking awesome sex. My head was running wild thinking of N fucking G. The thing is, G is actually undeniably hot. He has amazing amazing tits, a nice-ish very blond-hair blue-eyed handsome face (although N is arguably hotter), and a nice enough cock. R on the other hand, looks like a fucking zombie, and his body is laughably way worse than mine, so obviously a threesome with G is a lot more palatable to me than one with R. N also kind of agreed G is marginally hot, but he pestered me a lot if I thought he was hotter which of course N is. He did get insecure for a bit, because G is more like an Adonis and looks very very different from N, but R is also Asian like me, and so N was wondering if I didn't find him physically attractive enough to me, which is false, because I explained to him that we both were just looking for an outlet where another person was connecting with us a lot better, mine just happened to be a proper twunk hah.

I never thought we'll be comfortable with threesomes, but we may very well be. I love voyeurism, and N doesn't fuck me like a pornstar because our sex is really the more romantic and gentle sort usually. But that night, after all the confrontations and shit, when we talked about a threesome with G, N fucked my brains out. I was riding that dick while he thrusted so violently but yet safely too and my toes started curling at one point. We dirty-talked a lot too, which turns me on a lot, and he kept sucking on my tits which man, was heavenly.

Anyway, so things are pretty much resolved haha. I know it seems kind of shallow that sex and the idea of threesomes seem to have solved this, but nah, it was really more because N and I are essentially good guys who made mistakes and we agreed to work on anything together from now on. I promised him too I won't snoop round his stuff anymore, but he must be completely honest with me.

Guess we have to, at the end of the day, really just trust each other. If not, well, I guess I know what to do.