Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that 350 Million people worldwide suffer from depression. And those are just all the Facebook users who thought it would be a good idea to buy the company’s stock.

A report says that 350 Million people worldwide suffer from depression. No one had any idea the Cubs had that many fans.

A report says that 350 Million people worldwide suffer from depression. The other 6 Billion, 600 Million haven’t looked at their 401k plans in the last couple of months.

A study says that one third of American adults under 30 have no religious affiliation. All the ones over 30 are praying harder than ever that they don’t lose their job, house and car.

A Florida man died after winning a pet store sponsored roach eating contest. Apparently he wasn’t used to eating the insects. The tragedy could have been prevented with just a few warmup meals at Taco Bell.

Washington, D.C. has been designated the richest American city. And that’s just the money that crosses the tables during lunches between congressmen and lobbyists.

Washington, D.C. has been designated the richest American city. And by judging the actions of our politicians and lobbyists, they are doing everything they can to keep it that way.

Washington, D.C. has been designated the richest American city. Although it has its bad areas. The most crime infested, depraved area in the city is an area called “Capitol Hill”.

A Hong Kong couple is suing an education consultant who didn’t get their sons into Harvard as he promised after paying him more than $2 Million. Most people would have done it the traditional way and gotten the kids in by donating the $2 Million to Harvard.

The world’s oldest person in history, Antisa Khvichava has died in Russia at age 132. Her last words were “I still look better than Keith Richards.”

NBA rookie Royce White of the Houston Rockets is battling severe anxiety. His biggest fear is that he will spend his whole career with the Houston Rockets.

The Supervisor of the Los Angeles School District says the school year could end in April because of a budget shortfall. If it weren’t for Magic Johnson that would have been pretty much the same story for the Dodgers this year.

An extreme skydiver canceled another attempt at freefalling 23 miles at the speed of sound. Again the problem was gusty winds. What’s the big deal? Wind or no wind it’s not like he’s going to miss the ground after he jumps.

The Massachusetts Attorney General says that a town needs to repeal a “no swearing” law they passed. Apparently the ruling is that the law unconstitutionally discriminates against all Red Sox fans.

Allstate says that obesity is hurting fuel efficiency in our vehicles. So when it comes to cars we need to think less about unleaded and more about non-fat.

A 16 year old Texas girl set a world handspring record by performing 35 in a row on a football field. Not only did she set the record, she had offers for dates from 573 guys who were in the stands.

A study says that as health insurance costs rise, work productivity drops. Mostly because the companies let go half their people to pay the insurance for everyone else.

A report says that 20% of American corporations cook the books during earnings season to make it look like their profits are higher. The trick is reversing the recipe so they look broke during tax season.

New Jersey is no longer rated as having the worst business climate in the country, being passed on the list by New York. Apparently, thanks to “Jersey Shore” the state has seen a huge increase in the number of laundromats, tanning salons and bars.

Wall Street pay is still as high as ever although more jobs are being cut. It’s getting so tight, the guys who light the CEOs’ cigars with hundred dollar bills have been fired and the CEOs now have to light their own with a fifty.

A Las Vegas cab driver returned a briefcase with $222,000 left in his cab to its owner. No comment yet from Tiger Woods on his reaction to getting his money back.

Six major retailers say they are hiring 300,000 temporary workers for the holiday season. The bad news is that they aren’t there to help stock and sell, but to keep an eye out for shoplifters.

Six major retailers say they are hiring 300,000 temporary workers for the holiday season. That goes along with every other business where each employee is always considered a temporary worker.

The Wall Street bonus pool is reportedly shrinking for the second straight year. It’s unfortunate the people crippled the economy don’t really get the full amount they deserve.

The Wall Street bonus pool is reportedly shrinking for the second straight year. The average bonus last year was $112,000. To which middle America took their bonus turkey and K-Mart gift card and wondered if there was anything they could do to straighten out that terrible injustice in the banking business.

The government is suing Wells Fargo for reckless lending practices that cost the government hundreds of millions of dollars. To which Wells Fargo countersued the government for reckless borrowing that cost taxpayers trillions of dollars.

The government is suing Wells Fargo for reckless lending practices that cost the government hundreds of millions of dollars. The government is just figuring this out now?

A study says its a person’s own fault if they are bored. For instance, the people who actually sat down and read that study have no one to blame but themselves.

Researchers say new technology may help predict diseases in women. Apparently the technique is to get their date book and see if they are going out with Charlie Sheen.

Kris Jenner, the Kardashian girls’ mother is in talks for her own daytime TV show. Apparently producers felt they could fill the void of losing both Jerry Springer and Maury with just one show.

Harvey Weinstein and Michael Flatley are launching the World Dance Awards. It’s for people who just think the Tonys are just not gay enough.

Harvey Weinstein and Michael Flatley are launching the World Dance Awards. The people up for the top awards are that guy from Broadway and that other guy from the movies and there is some woman from TV I think.

Bill Gates says he will never run for political office. Why run for an office say, like President that has half the power he already controls?

A survey says that 40% of teenagers have an iPhone. The other 60% have parents who have been able to figure out how to actually use one.

A study says that people would actually rather log on to their computer than smoke or have sex. Mostly because their computer is indoors where they can’t smoke and they are spending all their time online looking for sex.

A study says that Facebook can reduce the spread of STDs. Mostly because people are trying to hit on all their woman friends on Facebook and never actually get to the point of going out with any of them.

Fremont, California has been ranked as the top U.S. city for tech startups. Coincidentally, it also has the largest number of single men living in studio apartments.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only two days until the Vice Presidential debate. Now that is some comedy gold waiting to be mined. In the meantime, make sure you prepare by remembering to send the love!