Give him a handjob at home! Do it in bed! Make foreplay delicious and enjoyable! I mean, do it in the shower or on the couch I guess if you want, but please stop giving him handjobs in public and expecting not to be caught, because you will be caught, and you will make all of us nice decent handjob lovers look like perverts.

The only thing worse than going out to chain eatery and ordering yourself each your own appetizers of one dozen mozzarella sticks apiece is to do this and then vigorously engage in a public handjob beneath the table.

Everyone knows what you are doing, and everyone knows you are doing it with greasy mozzarella fingers.

"It's not an alley, though," he said when I asked permission to share this story. "It's more of a door," he added.

Noted, Dan.

As Dan tells it, he was walking home eating some shepherd's pie (for reasons that remain inexplicable as this is the least likely of all eat-and-go foods) he spotted a man and woman standing in a shadowy doorway.

The man was vigorously finger-blasting the woman in question. It was shocking to Dan, who kept walking — and presumably kept eating his pie.

Finger-blasting is the handjobof the female anatomy, and if you do it in an ally and/or a doorway in New York, my friend Dan will absolutely see you and it will upset him greatly.

If you are handing out public handjobs at your family reunion it's going to be inordinately challenging as you are likely to be related to most (if not all) of the penises you are trying to touch at your family reunion.

So if you want to get caught, go around trying to make one happen and probably sooner rather than later your Great Aunt Doris will start beating you about the head with her massive purse full of sugar-free candies and bricks) and calling you a pervert.