Friday, March 31, 2006

The following rant is just that: a rant. A huge build up of frustrations, worries and fears. It is neither right nor wrong, nor are any comments expected. It is a way for me to blow off some steam and not risk offending anyone. With that being said, please remember: I know all comments and feedback given to me are meant with good, honest intentions because you care about my family and me.

There are just so many things swirling around in my head and at times it can be the loneliest feeling in the world. I have a good life. I really do. I have a wonderful loving husband, a gorgeous angel of a son, family and friends there ready to catch me if I fall. I have a job, a roof over my head and food on the table. What you may ask is my problem? My answer: the lack of control in my life.

My son is sick yet again. I can't seem to keep him healthy. Daycare is a necessity as mommy and daddy have to work. Yet, it is also a place for Kaelen to have fun, learn and play with friends. I am tired of comments referring to him always being sick or that he seems to have had a run of bad luck since he has made his entrance into this world. I know that. I also feel guilty about that as if it is my fault. Realistically I know that it is not, but I can't stop that feeling. So my question is: if someone goes out of their way to comment on Kaelen always being sick and I respond acknowledging that is true and can't help but feel guilty about it; why is the next comment directed to me that I am being stupid for feeling this way? If you are a parent, can you not relate to that vulnerable, frustrated feeling? And if you are not a parent, then don't take away that feeling from me as you don't get it. You won't until you become a parent and realize that you constantly wear your heart on your sleeve; that you would do anything for your child to keep them safe and healthy. So give both Kaelen and I a break. We are trying the best that we can and I am quite sure that he would not want to live his life in a plastic bubble. Germs happen. Colds happen. I clean my house everyday as does daycare. There is not much else that we can do about it.

As all of these "frustrations" seem to be happening this week, I am tired of people telling me to relax on the pregnancy issue. I want another child period. There is no pretending that I don't want it to happen soon; it is not a thought that you can temporarily shelve. And contrary to your medical opinion, thinking about it will not delay it to happen. I have had two miscarriages in the last seven months. Two shattered dreams, so give me some leniency here. Let me mourn my lost dream and let me talk about my future dream. Let me deal with the fact that there is possibly a medical problem to explain why this is happening to me. Give me the chance to talk about it before you cut me off with "Oh, just give it a chance. Your miscarriage was a way of nature taking it's course". Like duh...I kind of figured that out for myself thanks. And, comments like, "well Allie, look at what you have, you have Kaelen so perhaps you should be happy at that." I KNOW! I probably know this much better than you will ever know. I get to hold this precious little boy everyday. My office at work is filled with his pictures and he gets me through each day with a smile on my face. I look forward to coming home everyday because I know that I will get to hold him, play with him and watch him grow. My weekends are sacred to me because I get to spend a full 48 hours straight with him. So don't be a hyprocrite and mock me because I don't want to go out on the weekends. Because I choose not to have a social life filled with senseless, catty drunk fests of insecure people. I much prefer to fill them with meaningful, quality time with my son.

While I am on a role, I might as well just add to this now longer than anticipated rant, a little self pity. Did you know that should I ever get pregnant again, that I will be completely terrified? Scared of every little ache, twinge or feeling? That there will be no way to relax because I will always question as to whether I have expressed my concerns clearly enough for a doctor to assess me correctly? Did you know that I have been getting testing done as a precusor to figure out why miscarriages might be happening to me? And as a result, we have started finding out some questionable issues? Will you take away my fears when I tell you that there is a chance that I don't produce enough progesterone to carry through a pregnancy? Or that I might have a rare blood disorder that could be a contributing factor to these losses? Or will you qualify it with telling me not to think about it until I have firm facts? Do you understand how difficult that really is?

On an ending note, please don't tell me that God loves me or that he only gives me what I can handle. That doesn't do much for me. Perhaps God provides you comfort and the answers needed to handle your situations but not me. I just have a hard time accepting, that a God could possibly heap on endless amounts of tragedy or drama to one person consistently. For being almost 34 years old, there are days that I feel like I am 64 with all of the hardships that I have had to endure. Perhaps that is what I am supposed to learn in the long run from God, but until then, I would just prefer to sit here perplexed, confused, frustrated, alone and misunderstood.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Today was an absolutely beautiful day. The sun was out, we didn't get the forecasted 10+ cms of snow but most of all, I got to spend the entire day with Kaelen. Life couldn't get any better than that.

We spent most of the day outside today playing in the puddles, at the local park next to our house and chasing the cat around the backyard. Kaelen is such a funny little man and in such a fun stage of his life. If only I could freeze frame it to stay a little longer.........

Saturday, March 25, 2006

With the gorgeous weather happening of late here in Calgary, spring is certainly looking as if it is shortly around the corner. Along with that is soppy, wet ground, melting snow which leads to MUD PUDDLES!

Unfortunately, this next picture does not do enough justice of how funny the moment was; but I think that you can see enough to get the jist of what happened.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Perhaps future love birds? Perhaps not. Grace is one of Kaelen's girlfriends currently making regular appearances in his life. Although, it is Kaelen who is knocking on Grace's door every Sunday morning so their mommies can gossip over coffee.

Grace will be turning the big age of 3 soon!Kaelen needs a little fine tuning on the flirting game

Sunday, March 12, 2006

I am not gifted in the craft of baking nor creative arts, but I try hard. So when I saw the "Decorate Your Easter Cookie Kit" in Safeway the day before, I immediately scooped it up thinking this was my golden opportunity to spend some table time with my son.

First the icing.Then a Quality Taste Control to ensure that the sprinkles and gum drops are okay to put on top of the icing.Heck, best check this cookie out too. Mom always says Go Big or Go Home!Do you think anyone will notice the missing bunny ears?An hour later; sprinkles everywhere, icing pasted in hair, fingers, chair joints and table top: This is our finished product of the remaining three cookies!

It was a morning of fun. So much so, that I am going to attempt within the next week to actually make cookies and decorate them. Once I test them out on Paul and Kaelen and they are still standing five minutes later, perhaps I will send some over to daycare for a snack break with the kids.

And...maybe....just maybe, those kids will go home to their mommies telling them how cool Kaelen's mommy is. Sigh. I am such a dreamer.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

I would like to formally propose that the hours per day increase from 24 hours to at least 36 hours to comprise one day. I figure that would allow me to have the best of both worlds. It would allow me to do my obligatory 8 1/2 hour work day to bring home the bacon, allow me to have 12 - 14 good quality hours to play with Kaelen, allot an hour or two for personal time and then dedicate the remaining 11 hours to sleep. If I got my way in this, then perhaps I would feel like I am getting the best out of life.

As it stands, today my baby is officially 18 months old. For the past 7 months, I have missed out on 11+ hours per day of quality playtime with Kaelen, missed those initial first steps, perhaps his first excitement at a discovery and about a million or so laughs, hugs, kisses and celebrations; all in the name of that elusive thing called money.

However, even though I am completely devastated that my baby is growing up so quickly and am selfishly having my own internal pity party, I am determined to see this day as a celebration for Kaelen's achievements. At 11:20 pm tonight, 18 months ago, this beautiful precious little boy made an entrance into this world. It is difficult to describe the thoughts and feelings when I first saw Kaelen for the first time. There was my baby, so precious and beautiful; with an IV in his hand, tubes up his nose and in an incubator. The initial fear of having him 7 weeks early and the neo natal staff on hand to deal with the chance that his little heart wasn't beating was enough to last me a lifetime. However, seeing Kaelen in that incubator for the first time since birthing him and that instant feeling of guilt that came over me, I will forever carry in my heart. Unless you have been there, it is a feeling that you will never be able to relate to.

But Kaelen soon taught me to treasure ever moment. Our cuddle times in the hospital were full of quality and bonding. Bringing him home was exciting because we got to have him all to ourselves. Every single touch, tear, spit up, puke, giggle and cuddle has been the best experience ever. And now that Kaelen can express himself? Well, the moments only get more fun! There are more laughs, celebrations, tears of frustration, moments of helplessness and of course cuddles. I do look forward to watching Kaelen grow and being with him every step of the way, but time is flying by much too quickly. It needs to slow down so I can savour the moments longer and can spend more time with him each day.

Kaelen is quite simply amazing and these past 18 months have been the best moments of my life.