All posts by robotmatt

I’m starting to think TimeQuake might not be very good. Two weeks in a row and it’s just another stupid fight comic. At least last week, I liked the Fantastic Five. This week features the Cosmic Avengers from that What If where Vision took over the Earth and the Guardians of the Galaxy. The shitty Guardians of the Galaxy. We’ve got Vance Astro, Yondu the Non-Fun Redneck Archer Guy, Thick Clone Guy and Diamond Guy. Ugh, I hate the orignal Guardians.

So we’re back with Uatu and the Time Keepers. The Time Keepers plan to kill benevolent Ultra-Vision so they can keep from… dying? So they can effect the future? Who cares? Anyway, the Keepers kidnap Korvac from his time and stick him in the Vision timeline where he immediately captures the Guardians of the Galaxy and uses them to try to conquer the Earth. It’s like that Korvac issue from way back but… boring… God, this was boring, you guys. Just… just a dude with a flying box for legs ordering the shitty Guardians around and then the Cosmic Avengers show up.

Maybe you don’t remember the Cosmic Avengers. This is perfectly acceptable because they are like the modern Avengers but I hate them. Also they are from space. There’s Irondroid, Tachyon Torch, Commander America and (ugh) Jhen the Gammazon and her bizarrely strapped bathing costume. I think Starhawk’s supposed to be here too but he’s on vacation. His loss, I’m sure.

Please enjoy Jhen’s weirdly drawn butt.

Anyway, the Cosmic Avengers investigate a possible renegade Skrull ship only to be quickly captured by Korvac and his hypnotized Guardians of the Galaxy. Korvac sticks them all in traditional glass science cylinders and then hypnotizes the Avengers as well. With this elite group, the world shall soon be his!

Do you know many flying box people, Jhen?

Korvac starts his invasion plan by plugging his torso into a giant outlet so he can do battle with the Vision in “Cyberspace”. Unfortunately, Vision is able to contact SHIELD* and summons John Fury, his Space Howlin’ Commandos and his Fake Eyepatch. Seriously, dude has two fuctioning eyes and a transparent eyepatch. I do not care for John Fury.

OBVIOUSLY.

During the battle, Fury is astrally kidnapped and meets the Whisperer, much as Doctor Doom did last week. The Whisperer informs Fury of how to halt the Avengers’ hynosis with sonic weapons. Also yelling really loud. It works on the Avengers but the Guardians need a little bit more of a beating and also for Fury to play around with his gun some. Eventually everything is back to normal and the heroes stop hitting each other for a few minutes. Unfortunately, they’re just in time for Korvac to appear on the tv and announce that he’s killed the Vision. Tachyon Torch shows his failure to grasp how computers work by attacking the monitor. Smart boy, our Tachyon Torch.

The Torch defeats Korvac in much the same way Elvis “defeated” that television.

Korvac attacks with stupid robots but it’s okay because Irondroid has plugged himself into Korvac and begun hacking him. He pretty easily defeats the scary computer man, but it turns out that Vision is dead after all so I guess mankind has to forge its own destiny or whatever again. Good work, Cosmic Avengers. Please never appear again!

*Strategic Headquarters International Espionage Logistics Decades into the future.

Since your sun burned hot in the sky and also since I started writing this thing lo those many years ago, there has been one standard in What If comics. The Watcher hangs around and doesn’t do anything. Except when he sent Wolverine back in time and accidentally ended the universe for no fucking reason. (Nice one, Watch.) All of that changes TONIGHT in What If’s very first ever five issue arc: TimeQuake! Which I read the last issue of when I was eight and thought was the coolest thing ever. And if the first issue is anything to go by, the old saying is true: Eight year old Matt was an idiot.

Uatu the Watcher in Watcher Battle Armor.

We open with Uatu doing his usual spiel about the multiverse and forbidden to interfere and then he starts going on about Nexuses. Apparently a Nexus is a particular person who has the power to change reality through… like, time travel or something. Apparently Kang is one. Immortus is another. Or possibly the same. Also that fucker Rick Jones because he can’t stop playing his harmonica on the multiverse dick. God, I hate that guy.

Uatu senses some kind of disturbance in the multiverse or whatever and sends his consciousness into the future and also an alternate reality where three giant cloak dudes called the Time Keepers watch over a bubbling cauldron and prepare to name Franklin Richards Thane of Cawdor. Actually, they’re just going to cause a very, very late abortion for Frankie Says Relax. It turns out Franklin is this universe’s Nexus and by killing him, the Time Keepers can continue to influence this reality. Or something to that effect. I don’t know, I stopped paying attention. Anyway, Uatu asks if he can watch because it’s what he does and the Time Keepers have no reason to question him so we jump back to the universe where Spider-Man Joined The Fantastic Four from What If 1*. Except that Sue divorced Namor, Namor undid his making her a permanent no-take backs fish person and then Sue hooked up with Reed, rejoined the FF and got pregnant. No, it isn’t confusing at all! Shut up!

“Shut up, stop poking around and get in here, Uatu. You prick.”

Anyway, Sue’s having birth complications delivering Franklin so the FF travel to the Negative Zone to find the Cosmic Control Rod which can Cosmically Control Sue’s womb into not killing her or her enchanted baby. Of course Reed doesn’t actually tell Spidey, Ben or Johnny any of this, so when Spidey is captured by green armor jerk, Annihilus and accidentally steals the Cosmic Womb Wrangler, it’s a real lucky break for everyone.

Oh no, Dick Bats!

Anyway, Spidey fights Annihilus and then the rest of the FF show up and they also fight Annihilus. The Time Keepers quickly realize that they are going to fail at killing this baby (Easily the simplest thing in the world! I mean, it’s like babies WANT to be dead.) so they send Doctor Doom to go fight the FF and steal the rod. Telling Doctor Doom what to do rarely works very well, but it seems to go pretty darn fine this time until a ghost steals Doom’s soul out of his body. Seriously. The ghost in question is a big scary cloak called the Whisperer so he could really be anyone. My money is currently on Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. The Ghost tells Doom that if Sue and Franklin die, Reed will lose his damn mind (in the west) and bathe the world in nuclear fire. Which is a perfectly rational thing to expect from Mr Fantastic. Doom agrees and tosses Reed the control rod and then he pushes Annihilus into the Antimatter Negative Positive part of the Negative Zone and they both get erased from reality except Doom is secretly saved by the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.

Ooogidy Booogidy Boo!

The FF return to Earth and use the cosmic control rod to save Sue and the baby… somehow. And then they celebrate the birth of this kid and the death of their greatest enemy. Hooray!

Meanwhile in space, Uatu gloats and the Time Keepers prepare to kill another Nexus or whatever and we TO BE CONTINUE and GOD, I hope this thing gets better. That was a twenty-eight page punch comic. Yeesh.

*Not to be confused with the other reality where Spider-Man joined the Fantastic Four, Sue married Namor, Spider-Man quit, Reed tried to destroy Atlantis and failed to identify a pregnant woman.

That’s right, Interfereacateers, just in time for Christmas, it’s the worst thing to happen to Forbidden To Interfere. Well, the worst thing besides me moving to America, getting a job and missing my fucking deadlines left and right. Why, yes, I AM plagued with guilt. Thanks for asking. Yes, instead of the usual fascinating, strange and occasionally ridiculous adventures to the alternate realities of the Marvel Universe, we have… the funny issue. I swear to god, I could not sigh hard enough.

We start with the rather bizarre first story (which is also told remarkably straight for a humor issue.) wherein during an epic battle between the Mad Titan Thanos and the World Devouring Galactus, Thanos uses the power of the Infinity Gauntlet to change Galactus into an ordinary human whom he abandons naked and alone on Earth. Galactus finds himself with a nasty case of amnesia in a trailer park in Kansas. Luckily, he’s quickly found by local woman Gertrude Rebmann who mistakes him for Elvis.

Yeah, this is where we’re going this week.

Gertrude takes Galactus in and attempts to return his memory by showing him old Elvis flicks, pompadouring his hair and feeding him peanut butter and banana sandwiches in an effort to stave off the hunger of the world devourer.

Not as good as the “Kids In The Hall” sketch about Elvis being Bruce’s landlord.

It’s also quickly discovered that Galelvis has a singing voice at least on par with the King, and he finds himself ready to return to the stage and his music. His first performance is a hit and soon whispers cross the Marvel Universe that Elvis has somehow returned to life. Luckily, this IS the Marvel Universe so nobody thinks to hard about it. Literally half the universe has died and come back at some point.

Eventually, the night before a sold out concert, Galelvis is approached by Adam Warlock.

“It’s over, World Devourer! I have defeated Thanos and wrested from his grip the Infinity Gauntlet! You can return once more to the cosmos!”

“Alternately,” Galactus replies. “I could stay on Earth, be Elvis and not commit genocide anymore.”

It’s really win-win for everyone.

Silver Surfer is gonna make one hell of a roadie.

After that, we get some one page jokes and then head into a story about Spider-Man and his hideous monster baby, Spidey-Baby having to fight crime while Mary Jane is out of town. It’s not very good. Spidey-Baby is really horrible to look at. It looks like Gonzo had sex with a football, which is not entirely impossible. Also it involves Hydroman getting absorbed by a diaper so I think we’ll just call it a night.

So we’re back after a week off so I could continue to make the hideous climb from early to mid-thirties. Maybe taking a break during a two parter wasn’t my best decision, but I have the second annual “wacky” What If next week, so trust me. I will be punished. Last time, as you’ll recall, Jean Grey of the X-Men was lobotomized by the Shi’ar to remove her Phoenix powers. This is the cosmic equivalent to slapping a band-aid on a gaping head wound, and it worked just as well. Unfortunately, Jean’s powers arrived just in time for her baby to be kidnapped by Mastermind who was possessed by the Shadow King so we can have an “X-Men Villains Matt Doesn’t Particularly Care For” twofer. Then Jean realized she was actually the Phoenix Force in the form of Jean and went to visit the real Jean’s sleeping cocoon. And accidentally vaporized her. Well, not even immortal fire goddess are perfect, I suppose.

Anyway, Jean mounts an attack on the Shadow King. Unfortunately for her, Shadow King has found and used former X-villain Erik the Red’s Aging/Deaging Device* to turn Baby Rachel into Excalibur Rachel. Complete with weird spiky bodysuit. That she wouldn’t get until the dark Days of Future Past Future. But whatever. Jean tries the whole “Listen to me, Rachel! Remember who you are!” but Rachel still has the brain of a nine month old, so the only thing she remembers is that time she shat herself this morning. This is not at all useful in a superhero battle.

Perhaps Jean’s creepy baby arm will save the day,

With no other options, Jean takes the battle to the Shadow King’s home on the Astral Plane and then burns him to fucking death. Hey, she killed a whole planet. One bodiless douche canoe is not a big fucking deal. With that done, she’s left with a sixteen year old Rachel Summers with the brain of a nine month old. Luckily, the power of the Phoenix can be used to completely rewrite the Rachel’s DNA, returning her to infanthood. And while we’re messing around with her on a molecular level, let’s just tweak that hair colour a little, make her good at piano and maybe not cry so fucking much when Mommy’s had a long day. What mother could do less for her kid?

“I’m gonna remake you into someone who isn’t a constant disappointment.”

Jean returns to the X-Mansion with the kid in tow and decides… no, I don’t think my teammates, family and husband really need to know about my returned powers, my baby’s brief adolescence or my latest murder. Instead, Jean decides to fake it and just be a mother. Which is a wonderful plan that works just plain great for eight years until an anti-mutant president enters the White House, starts stirring up anti-mutant hate and the rest of the Marvel Universe fall in line. Thanks a lot, guys.

Worried about her family, Jean decides to finally bring the Phoenix out of retirement for one last job. She sneaks into the White House and lobotomizes the President into a more mutant friendly type of guy.

“Mr. President, what are your thoughts on the ongoing tensions in Russia?”“Mutants are good.”

“That doesn’t really answer my question, sir.”

“MUTANTS ARE GOOD!”

So THAT plans goes absolutely perfectly for about eight seconds before the President is assassinated by anti-mutant terrorists. And because the President had… you know, a Vice President with pretty much the exact same opinions, we’re back at square one. And square one is a Presidential Order to kill all mutants with Sentinels. Shit.

Alas no one could have seen this coming.

So because Sentinels are the absolute most stable giant robot monsters in the Marvel U, they quickly decide that the thing to do is wipe out everyone with powers. The Avengers and the Fantastic Four both bite the dust, leaving the X-Men on the run. It’s around this time that Wolverine gets his shit together enough to realize that Jean still has her powers. And then he punches her a bunch of times until her powers manifest. Because violence is the only way Wolverine knows how to solve his problems. The Phoenix Force does indeed emerge and Jean unloads her eight years of lies to Logan before she wipes his brain. Like a friend would. Unfortunately, Cyclops and Professor X were listening at the door like so much Mr Furley and they kick Jean off the team.

“I probably should have packed or something.”

While Jean goes to mope on her giant rock in New Mexico, the X-Men and Magento mount an attack on the Sentinals’ home base in the Baxter Building. It… doesn’t go great. The Sentinels are tipped off by Magneto’s magnetic powers (“Lousy powers! You sold me out!”) and then they paralyze him. Then Jean stops moping and comes back to help out, murdering hundreds of Sentinels with an effective AOE attack. While that’s going on, Colossus chucks Shadowcat into the Master Mold, where she re solidifies, choking the robot making robot with her intestines. I guess that’s one way to do it.

SPLUTCH

With Master Mold and the Sentinels destroyed, the X-Men return home to count their dead. And then a suspiciously Mole Man looking Destiny tells her that if she stays on Earth, she will eventually destroy it. And so the Phoenix leaves behind her husband, her daughter and all that make her human to explore the galaxy. And probably blow up some planets that we personally do not live on.

*Totally a real thing. They used it to turn Magneto into a baby. Which also totally happened.

So here we are again at the most obvious What If story ever: What if Jean Grey AKA Marvel Girl, Phoenix, Dark Phoenix and according to her 1994 Marvel trading card just Jean Grey hadn’t been replaced by the Phoenix force, stuck in a cocoon and impersonated for like eight years? So we start with Jean’s heroic sacrifice on the moon completely fucking up and instead the alien Shi’ar cut out a sizable portion of Jean’s brain so she can’t access her mutant powers anymore. Then they kick the X-Men out which is probably a good choice for the entire Shi’ar empire in the long run.

Congratulations! You survived the experience!

Back on Earth, Scott and Jean have the saddest wedding ever, the Angel buys them a house on a cliff and Jean gets into some serious full time moping.

“You can’t understand what it’s like to lose your powers, Scott!” she cries.

I don’t know what exactly is raining on these guys but it is disgusting.

And then Magneto shows up and kidnaps Jean to his Asteroid Base where she can at least complain in a vacuum. Once there, Magneto offers Jean some new clothes and such but she’d much rather spend half the issue in her underwear so whatever. Then Mags offers Jean her heart’s desire. He can restore the Phoenix Force to her and all it will cost… is her very SOUL. MOO HOO HA HA. No, but seriously, it’s not going to cost anything. Mostly Magento is just hoping once she’s repowered, he can get her on board with his whole pro-mutants agenda.

Imagine you’re sitting next to Wolverine on this space flight and he just starts snarling and shaking his claws at nothing. I imagine it was very interesting to be friends with Wolverine in the 80s.

Meanwhile, Scott’s grabbed the X-Men and they’re all heading to Asteroid M to beat up Magento because this is how the X-Men solve their disagreements. Real mature, guys. While they distract Magneto by punching his face, Jean has a crisis of conscious, remembers the billions of people she killed when she was Phoenix, realizes she probably got off pretty lucky and then smashes up Magento’s power restoring chamber with a big stick. Fuck you, Magento and fuck your gifts too!Annoyed by her vandalism, but respectful of her in that weird way Magneto always is, he lets Jean and the X-Men go. Jean eventually puts on some pants.

Things slowly return to normal back at the X-Mansion. Jean graduates from a college that isn’t secretly a paramilitary cult and starts teaching the New Mutants at Xavier’s. She and Scott have a baby who they name Rachel, drawing a direct line from here to the Days of Future Past universe so no matter what, we know this is all going to end well.

“Also don’t form X-Force if you can help it.”

One fine afternoon, while the rest of the X-Men are teaching the Beyonder to poop over in Secret Wars II, Jean and Rachel are attacked by gross pervert Mastermind again, who uses his Castle of Illusion, I mean powers of illusion to torture her for a while. Jean gets pissed and fights back and then it turns out it isn’t Mastermind, it’s Mastermind possessed by the Shadow King because stacking villains is definitely the way to go here. And because the Shadow King isn’t super into the idea of long protracted revenge plots, he shoots Jean like eight times in the chest and she dies. Huh. Guess we should have called this one what if the Phoenix died slightly later in the year.

Yes, that IS a baby with a spike through it’s eye. Kids love X-Men!

So Shadow King steals baby Rachel to be his new host (Why do demonic forces always want to live in babies? Being a baby sucks almost as much as having to spend time with a baby.). Meanwhile, Jean who is actually the Phoenix Force discovers that while her host body’s dead, she’s the Phoenix and therefore can’t really die. She also realizes that she’s replaced the real Jean Grey and flies off to Jamaica Bay where Real Jean is cocooned. And then Phoenix accidentally kills her. Whoops. Well, this is going to be a fun story to tell Cyclops next week.

So we open this week’s adventure with a flying dog saving his owners from a hot air balloon disaster. Already, this is the best issue of What If I’ve ever read. It’s really just there to introduce us all to the idea of Captain Universe, the Hero Who Could Be You!™ Then Uatu draws us away from the interesting story of a heroic flying talking dog to tell us about Spider-Man, damnit.

Way to win the first annual Forbidden To Interfere-y for best use of a dog!

Once upon a time, the Enigma Force possessed Spider-Man and gave him Godlike powers. Which he used to beat up guys dressed like animals. The Enigma Force eventually left Spidey because if there’s one rule in Marvel Comics, it’s that Peter Parker can’t have nice things. But this week, we’re gonna see what happens if Spidey kept his incredible powers. And what happens is that Spidey dresses his wife as himself and then fucks her. It’s really upsetting. Especially for a guy who has had as many clones as Spidey has.

This is… all kinds of weird, Peter.

The next thing Captain Spiderverse does is permanently mutilate the Hobgoblin. So this is the 90s Hobgoblin who has a fucked up monster face. “Well,” thinks Spidey. “ I know Hobgoblin has a messed up face. I can probably fix that like I kinked up MJ’s wardrobe so I could weird-sex her. I don’t know what Hobgoblin’s face looks like so I guess I’ll just wing it.”

Which is a perfectly rational thing to do to somebody! Spidey uses his nearly infinite imagination to… turn Hobgoblin’s face into Peter Parker’s. Well. There’s no way THAT can possibly go wrong.

You’re just a font of weird choices, aren’t you, Pete?

Well, it’s been ten pages in a 90s Spidey comic so it’s time for Venom to show up. He and Spidey wail on each other for a couple minutes and then Spider-Man flies Venom into space.

“You see that big beautiful blue marble down there?” Spidey says. “That’s what I’m protecting now. I don’t have time to fuck around with you and your big tongue and your gross drool. I’m Super- Spider-man. I’m Spider-Man. Spider-Man. Nobody else.”

Of course, Venom hears none of this because he’s freezing to death in Earth’s orbit. Anyway, Spidey dumps Venom in New York, where Venom becomes the new Spider-Man. By which I mean, he’s just Venom but now Spidey doesn’t fight him and Venom kills the occasional mugger. Mostly what he does is beat up the Hobgoblin, an insane asshole with the face of the guy he hates most in the world.

Gen-u-ine Joker Venom.

This is the part where Spidey starts doing all the stuff we see in all those comics where people get Superman powers. Spidey throws all of Earth’s garbage into the sun, feeds the children, the usual. Of course, while he’s off doing that, his hot wife isn’t getting any gross sex. She finally draws the line when Pete bails on a dinner with Aunt May. And by “bails,” I mean “bursts into flames and flies out the window.” MJ splits, leaving Spidey with some final words. “You’re not a God, Peter.”

“No,” Peter thinks. “But I know one.”

Then Peter flies off to Avengers Mansion, beats up Captain America for no reason and takes Thor to Africa so they can make food grow there. Thor’s not into it because… I honestly have no idea why. It’s just one of those comic things, I guess. So Spider-Man gets all mad and beats up Thor a little and then he has a serious crisis of faith where the Enigma Force and Spider-Man’s natural sense of guilt fight for possession of Spidey. And that’s when Doctor Doom shows up and shoots Thor with an energy draining ray.

Holy Jesus, Thor! What the fuck?!

So it turns out that Doctor Doom’s been looking for a way to steal the Enigma Force because that is how Doom rolls. Spidey’s guilt irritates the Enigma force enough that it abandons him and heads over to Doom. Of course, the Engima Force also realizes that Doom is the biggest asshole on the planet and leaves pretty quick. Also it turns out that this is a Doombot because why not.

So the Enigma Force briefly returns to Spidey and then uses its powers to spread Spider-Man[s sense of responsibility across every person on the planet. It’s a brief moment of genuine world peace as everyone is mentally united. It’s actually… sort of nice. When the dust clears, Peter Parker has lost his spider powers and all of his clothes. But it’s okay because he hooks back up with MJ and nine months later, they give birth to a terrifying eyeless Universe Baby.

This week we’ve got a special treat for everyone! It’s a double feature based around Sue Richards’ miscarriage! Doesn’t that sound fun? For anyone who’s unfamiliar with the Fantastic Four children, and who could blame you if you were, there have been two Richards kids: Franklin, who had prophetic dreams, joined Power Pack, created the Heroes Reborn universe and was thoroughly unlikeable until Jonathan Hickman started writing him and Valeria Richards who was named after the woman Doctor Doom loved and then skinned to turn into magic armor. Less well known was the middle Richards child who died after pregnancy complications due to… I think cosmic rays or something. I remember Reed hired Doctor Octopus to help with the delivery but then he saw a billboard featuring Spider-Man and freaked the fuck out. Probably for the best, I’d hate to see Doc Ock try to yank the baby out with his tentacles. Wait, no. I would LOVE to see that.

“You keep suggesting a caesarian, Octavius! I don’t think it’s neccesary!” “Sorry, I’m just really into the idea of cutting open a super hero.”

Anyway, this week we’re addressing two stories about the Richards baby living. In the first one, Sue’s pregnancy is difficult from the start. She spends the nine months physically drained and eventually discovers she is unable to turn invisible. While this is happening, Franklin watches from the shadows in a suitably dramatic fashion. When the baby is finally born, not even the combined genius of Doctors Richards, Octavius, Morbius, Langowski and Banner can save Sue’s life. Of course, the fact that only one of these guys is a medical doctor and none of them have been trained to deliver a baby probably didn’t help. In mourning, Reed names the new baby after Sue and offers it to Franklin who runs off terrified. That’s okay, kid. I had a similar reaction when my siblings were born.

Gaaah! A horrible monster!

Years pass, little Suzie grows and gosh, wouldn’t you know it, friends of the FF just keep dying. First it’s Alicia, then a number of Suzie’s baby sitters, teachers and school chums all succumb to a bizarre wasting disease. What on earth could be causing it? Franklin obviously suspects Suzie which results in a lot of Reed yelling at him. I guess it’s tough being a single dad. When Franklin realizes that Johnny Storm has started to succumb to the wasting sickness, he goes to his father again. Reed, in his role as loving father, slaps the kid in the face. Okay, I think it’s time for a little less sympathy for the single dad. Anyway, Johnny fucking dies.

Here you go, Matt. Make a funny joke about horrible child abuse!

Reed assumes that all this death is a result of the FF’s cosmic rays, although he apparently doesn’t try to limit anyone’s contact with himself or the Thing to prevent more dying. Speaking of the Thing, that dude’s energy has drained enough that he is no longer permanently orange and rocky. His disease has actually cured him. Which is too bad because then some asshole shoots him like eight times. Ben is rushed to the hospital where he may recover. Until Suzie decides to pay him a visit…

So much trouble might have been avoided if ANYONE in the Baxter Building had just watched the Omen.

With most of the FF dead and his father clearly fucking insane, Franklin travels to Latveria… somehow and contacts the only person left who can help: Doctor Doom. Doom isn’t exactly overcome by the love of the common man to help Franklin out but Franklin does mention that Suzie could eventually become a threat to Latveria. And also that Doom will get the chance to observe a stark raving mad Reed Richards whom he can then prove wrong. That’s like Latverian christmas. If Doom hadn’t banned christmas in Latveria six years ago.

“Well, she certainly does suck.”

Team Frankledoom arrive back at the Baxter Building to find Reed in full-on freak-out mode.

“How DARE you turn against your wonderful perfect sister! How DARE you contact my greatest foe to help you!”

“Richards,” Doom replies. “You’re not yourself. Look, you’re making me seem calm and collected and I regularly refer to myself in the third person.”

This is the part where Suzie reveals her true self, turning into a giant energy devouring monster that was clearly cribbed from Alien. Reed realizes he may have made a mistake or two in the last few years. Unfortunately, it’s too little too late and the creature drains Reed of his energy, killing him.

At this point, I’d like to address the fact that it’s never revealed WHY Sue and Reed’s child is a weird monster. Is it a demon? An alien? Just born evil? Good fucking question!

Doom attacks the creature, hoping to give Franklin time to escape. It works too, but Suzie is still too much for Doom and she drains first his armour and then him. His last words are a futile “Curse you, Richards and your cosmic sperm!”

Suzie then stalks Franklin into the depths of Reed’s lab, taunting him. Suddenly, Franklin bursts in with a big… Ghostbusters looking backpack gun and shoots Suzie in the chest, knocking her through an open portal into the Negative Zone in a way which is nothing like the end of the first Alien movie which this comic is in no way like. So stop asking.

Yeah, this will never be a problem again. Nothing EVER comes out of the Negative Zone.

Franklin pauses over the body of his father. His entire family and everyone he knows is dead. But he WAS proven right in the end so I have no choice but to label this one a HAPPY ENDING. Hooray!

That’s a good Batman Year One homage, Franklin.

Meanwhile, in a less depressing reality, a baby Richards is also born. This one is named Mary because Sue doesn’t die so we’re already off to a better start. Reed and Sue carefully observe Mary for any signs that she might have also inherited powers from her parents so they aren’t totally shocked when she starts flying around her crib.

“Listen, Reed. I just read that first story. Things could be a lot fucking worse.”

From there, Mary has a pretty normal childhood with absolutely no mysterious deaths surrounding her. When she’s fourteen, she goes on a walk with Ben and Johnny and watches a dog get hit by a car and is able to save its life by touching it. Which is good because it’s really hard to summarize comic when I am hysterically weeping over a dead fictional dog.

Guys, I can’t even go to doesthedogdie.com because the crying dog logo makes me sad.

Mary learns that she has incredible healing powers which she uses to save as many people as possible. She also starts working with environmental groups to save more lives and going on equality marches in Washington. Because the only way to enact real change in the world is if it’s led by a pretty, blonde white girl with rich parents.

The evil US president isn’t particularly thrilled by this development and orders the Avengers to have nothing to do with anyone speaking out against the status quo. This results in the Avengers disbanding, except for Captain America which is weird considering that dude is always the first guy to speak up when the government is getting too evil.

“No one will believe in things as long as I am Evil President.”

Eventually, the evil President orders well-known Marvel sleazebag Henry Peter Gyrich (Boo, hiss) to assassinate Mary which he does by dressing up as Captain America and stabbing Mary at a huge rally. As far as assassination plots go, it’s pretty goddamn terrible but it does manage to spark a massive riot. Luckily, Mary is able to stay conscious just long enough to spray the crowd with her peace powers and calm everyone down. Then she faints.

Mary awakens from a coma a week later to find a vigil outside of her hospital, waiting for her to lead them as the new messiah. According to the Watcher, she eventually overthrows the corrupt government and saves the world. Meanwhile, the real Captain America beats the ever loving shit out of Henry Gyrich.

Wait, so is Cap possessed by Lil’ Suzie? Is that what’s happening? What the hell is going on?

Last time, as you’ll recall or can just go and read about, Professor Erskine, creator of Captain America’s super soldier serum was not killed by anyone at all. Instead, the serum was made available to the US Army, giving them an advantage over all other countries which they used to make the world a better place. Ha, I kid of course. The US has conquered the Earth, with an evil racist President Steve Rogers in command. But the day might somehow be saved if Alan Moore beard Namor can save the real Captain America from being worshipped by sterotypes!

Luckily, he can! Namor quickly rescues the frozen patriotcicle before being shot in the back by Frank Castle in an Iron Man costume. Luckily for Frank, in this universe, the squad of SHIELD hunters he works for all wear black costumes with big skulls on them, It’d be a shame to lose that look. Frank and his squad are escorting Cap and Namor back to Evil Empire HQ when Cap awakens and beats everyone up. Namor explains about how America is evil now mid-fight and Cap gets REALLY mad. Then Frank realizes that he’s a horrible monster and murders his squad mates and joins with Namor and Cap.

“Lame.” says Frank, the smell of still-burning friend in his nostrils.

Do not be fooled, these three men are not the same.

Anyway, Captain America forms the Avengers and then goes to look for some guys to add to his team because three guys ain’t great. Luckily, Cap knows some guys to help who are inexplicably still alive and not decrepit after forty years. They start by heading to British Columbia, Canada (The 57th State apparently, and fuck you, Dictatorial America by the way.) to pick up Cap’s old friend, Logan. Unfortunately, this Logan never became the popular character Wolverine. Instead, he was cursed by an ancient Indian spirit to forever transform into the giant canabalistic monster know only as… the Hulk! Okay then. Everyone fights for a while because being a cannibal monster somehow made Logan MORE ornery. Also he hates Evil President Cap.

In this case, everything we’ve got is an oversized caber.

After the mandatory tustle, the Avengers add Wolverhulkdigo to their team. Next they go to Hank Pym’s house to pick him up. Because Cap… knows about him. Somehow. Unfortunately, Hank and his totally cannonical wife are already dead but it’s okay. They’ve arrived just in time for Sam “Never Got To Be The Falcon” Wilson who just happens to be robbing the place. Good representation there, Marvel. Cap offers Sam a place on the team despite Frank’s racist arguments. I guess Frank was under the impression we were returning freedom just to White America. No, Frank. No. No. No. So Cap gives Sam Hank Pym’s giant man pills and Sam becomes what I am really pleased is not called Black Goliath. No, he’s just regular Giant Man.

Yep, that’s definitely Sam Wilson alright.

With their awesome team assembled, Cap’s Avengers begin their raid on the SHIELD helicarrier. It’s really REALLY easy since Frank’s passcodes allow them to walk right in. They’re barely there for five minutes when they basically trip over a bunch of SHIELD guys torturing Thor of all people. Well, a quick rescue attempt and we’ve got our complete team. Except for any women at all but who’s counting? With the Avengers all together, Cap goes off to find Professor Erskine who is still alive and has been holding the super soldier in his head for forty plus years. Cap takes him out of his bunker, turns on the tv and shows him the horror that is America.

“Nice one.” He tells the horrified professor.

“Yeah, that guilt you feel? That’s good.”

Then Evil Steve appears and yeah, he’s totally the Red Skull. He just had his conciousness beamed into a Steve Rogers clone and then had Cap and the Howling Commandos’ boat destroyed. He allowed himself to be rescued by American troops and then slowly took over the country. What an asshole. Anyway, he and Cap fight, Erskine sacrifices himself to save Cap and then Cap… kills the Skull? Maybe. Anyway, with the Skull dead(?), the Avengers press their attack on the forces of SHIELD and… they all die. Every one of them. Except then the Watcher shows up and tells us everything worked out fine. Because that is exactly what happens when the leader of a dictatorship falls with nobody to prevent more dictatorial assholes to rush in and sieze power. So good job, Avengers!

We’re back from our month-long break! I have a new appartment, faster internet and a mighty need to once again tell you fine folks about the alternate wonders of a Marvel universe not your own! This week, we travel back in time to the only war that matters in comics: World War II! In a secret government lab, American Wuss Steve Rogers is given a dose of the new Super Soldier Serum, instantly transforming him from the skinny guy in the Charles Atlas ads to the bully! In the regular Marvel Universe, the serum’s creator Professor Erskine is killed by nazi spies and the serum is lost forever BECAUSE NO ONE THOUGHT TO GIVE ERSKINE A PEN AND SAY WRITE THIS DOWN, DUMMY. Instead, Steve notices the murderer and saves the professor just in time!

This is the most indignant shirtless man I have ever seen.

Cap does indeed go on a series of adventures during World War Two with his best pal, Bucky but he’s eventually called away. Bucky retires to a lifetime of being alive and Steve heads to Washington where he’s put in charge of an army of super soldiers! Nick Fury! Dum Dum Dugan! The One With The Trumpet! Others As Well!

Captain America and the Howling ComMANdos!

On December 24, 1942, Captain America’s army of Super Soldiers invade Germany, their rallying cry “Eat Shitler, Hitler!” Wait, no. It’s “Wa-hoo.” Excuse me, notes from this time in history are extremely sketchy. Anyway, they make short work of the German army and are easily able to arrest Hitler for war crimes. It’s basically a good time all around. In a concentration camp, Cap teaches a small boy named Magus, Magnus or possibly Erik Lehnsherr that while Nazis are racist assholes, Americans believe that all people are equal! Thus the threat of Magneto never emerges. Also the good of Magneto never emerges but whatever.

“Kid, just… just don’t ever try to enslave humanity, okay? Do it as a favor to me.”

The Super Soldier army boards the good ship Queen Mary for its celebratory trip home. The war has been won and now it’s time to go home and start the Baby Boom. That should end well for everyone! Sadly, the Queen Mary never makes it as it is blown the fuck up by a U-Boat who was never informed the war was over. Whoops.

Only Captain America lives because that dude is amazing at not dying in water in any universe. He returns to America, the sole surviving hero of the war. Cap unmasks himself as Steve Rogers, forms the American peacekeeping taskforce SHIELD*, and begins building an army of blonde haired blue eyed white supermen. Well, I’m sure that’s just fine. He also announces that the super soldier serum requires a booster shot every 18 months or it will wear off and thus cannot be given to the general public yet. Okay,well, I mean that’s an outright lie but I’m sure Cap has his reasons, right.

Well… there’s… there’s nothing here that’s worrying. Right?

SHIELD quickly becomes a force to be reckoned with. They easily topple Stalin’s regime and end the Cold War before it even begins. A new era of peace begins in the United States. And by peace, I mean fascism and racism. Now President Steve goes on the news again and announces that “Yeah, sorry, the super soldier serum doesn’t actually work on the dirt races I mean non-caucasian races. We’re working on that. Really. I’m sure we’ll get to it any day now. *snicker*”

This is not a great severance package.

To the surprise of literally no one ever, this announcement leads to rioting and protesting among the non-white people of America. Which leads to a lot of people being thrown into concentration camps. Huh. I could have sworn Steve Rogers literally just visited a concentration camp and was disgusted by it. Weird.

Hey, it’s really hard to make a humorous comment about a concentration camp!

Meanwhile, Loyal** Americans are gifted with physical perfection and a personally appointed squad of SHIELD Hunters keep the rabble in line. This includes executing Reed Richards and his friends before they can steal their rocket ship, murdering Bruce Banner for exploring the forbidden research of Gamma Radiation and killing Peter Parker for obtaining superpowers through a non-state approved way. They also execute his aunt and uncle, just in case. No Spider-Ma’am or Golden Oldie for THIS parallel universe.

This is the 76th What If column, I’ve written and Aunt May is dead in 73 of them, guys.

It’s decided very quickly that America really doesn’t need all that unnecessary “voting” thing. I mean, why try to get a new president when they one we’ve got is doing such a great job for everyone. We can probably just stick with a known winner, right? Decades pass and very little changes for America until a squad of SHIELD Hunters led by Frank Castle tries to arrest a homeless man and instead chases him into the sea. Being fully immersed in water, combined with realizing that he’s been wearing the same pair of green sea shell underwear since World War II ended reminds the homeless man that he is in fact Namor! The Sub-Mariner! Holy shit!

…man, Namor kind of rocks a beard.

Namor speeds off to his home in Atlantis, only to find it destroyed. He immediately assumes that it is the fault of the American government which isn’t exactly a hard sell at this point. By completely random chance, Namor stumbles upon the wreck of the Queen Mary and even more randomly finds a… sigh… race of ignorant eskimos worshipping a giant block of ice with… Gasp! Steve Rogers frozen in it! WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DEVELOPMENT COMING? And then the Watcher pops up to tell us this is a two-parter. Thanks, Watchy.

Okay, we can probably stop with the primitive eskimos any time now, Marvel.

So due to the fact that I’m moving this month, visiting Canada and going to Seattle for a live Post Atomic Horror (More information at postatomichorror.com), combined with computer problems that are making it difficult to write the damn thing, Forbidden To Interfere is taking October off so I can get my shit together. We will be back the first Monday of November. I apologize to the regulars who read this every week and also the spambots who keep sending me comments. You will be missed. Thank you for your continued support and I’ll see you in November.