John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Surprise when a great deal of emotion surfaces a substantial time after the death of someone important. (Published 4/4/11)

Q:

My Mom passed away Easter of 2009. During that time I was caring for her and in school to obtain a Master's degree. When I completed my degree this past May (2010), it felt as if the grief was stronger than ever. How can feelings be so delayed? Needless to say, I keep asking myself if I could have done anything to prolong her life but that seems to make my feelings of sadness stronger. I really thought I would have experienced healing by this time.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Jacqueline,

Thanks for your note and question.

Many people are surprised to find themselves with a great deal of emotion a substantial time after the death of someone important to them.

In your circumstances, with much of your energy dedicated to your pursuit of your degree, some of the emotions relative to your mom, may have been inadvertently shunted aside.

We were not surprised to read in your note that when you completed your degree, your feelings of grief surfaced even stronger.

In some ways, throwing ourselves into work or studies, acts as what we call a S.T.E.R.B. [Short Term Energy Relieving Behavior] in The Grief Recovery Handbook. That is not to say or imply that you were consciously or intentionally avoiding the grief or the actions of grief recovery.

A basic issue in your note is your very last comment,” I really thought I would have experienced healing by this time.”

Therein lies the rub. The assumption that time heals emotional wounds, or completes what was left emotionally unfinished at the time of a death, is the problem. Time cannot heal an emotional wound anymore than time can fix a flat tire. It takes actions within time.

Time just goes by—it doesn’t do anything. And sometimes worse, time tends to push our feelings down or away or out of sight. Thus your surprise when they resurfaced.

Time for action: We suggest that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and book stores] and read it and take the actions it suggests which will help you discover and complete what was left emotionally unfinished for you in your relationship with your Mom.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.