A new study suggests that men who help out around the house are not having as much sex as men who do not. The division of household chores is more complex than you might realize.

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WEDNESDAY, Jan. 30, 2013 -- When it comes to household chores, women traditionally take on the lion’s share of cleaning and cooking. However, when men do pitch in, it might do more than just lessen the woman’s load. It might also impact the couple’s relationship and sexual connection.

A recent study published in the February 2013 issue of The American Sociological Review found that men who do household chores such as cooking, cleaning, and shopping have less sex than men who do not perform such tasks.

Sabino Kornrich and a team of researchers at the Center for Advanced Studies at the Juan March Institute in Madrid surveyed men across the United States, and they found that men who performed traditional female tasks like cleaning had less frequent sex then men who performed traditional masculine tasks (such as mowing the lawn or balancing the checkbook).

At first, researchers theorized that the men who did not pitch in around the house might have been more aggressive or coercive in the bedroom, leading to a higher incidence of sex in their relationship. However, they found that the women in these relationships also reported a high level of sexual pleasure—meaning that both the sexual frequency and the sexual enjoyment in these ‘traditional’ relationships were greater than in egalitarian relationships.

The study findings are quite shocking, particularly when we consider previous research that touts the benefits of "choreplay". A 2010 study performed at the University of Illinois at Chicago found that women are more likely to be attracted to their mates after they helped out around the house, whether it was emptying the dishwasher or folding the laundry. The theory behind choreplay is that when male partners chip in around the house, it leaves women with more time and energy for sex at the end of the day. (Not to mention, it’s just the fair thing to do!)

So how can we understand this seemingly conflicting research? I think the key is that we need to examine the way men feel about their role in their home, both as it relates to household chores and as it relates to other duties. The issue is likely not that men who do more housework automatically have less desire to have sex, but that some men who do housework might feel less confident and equal with their partners. Less confidence outside the bedroom might equal less confidence inside the bedroom, and it might also lead men to have growing resentment as well as a lack of connection to their partner. They might feel "henpecked" or nagged into acting a certain way or performing simple tasks a certain way, as if their partner automatically assumes that they aren’t smart enough or capable enough to do things on their own.

For example, women can often be quite particular when it comes to how things are done in the home. We have a societal idea that the home is a woman’s abode and that it’s up to her to keep the house gleaming, welcoming, and beautiful. (That’s probably why we always see women in commercials for air fresheners, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, and every other household sundry.)

By extension of that, women can often be stressed when it comes to keeping things in order and running a smooth ship. Yet, since so many women work outside the home and excel in the business world, they don’t have the time to do everything on their own. So, they accept their partner’s help…but not without a good deal of micro-managing, nagging, and nitpicking. Instead of enjoying a small break as the husband puts the kids to bed or cleans the dinner dishes, the woman often finds herself offering “advice” or even completely lambasting him for not doing things the right way.

Sadly, this ends up killing both his sex drive and her sex drive. He feels diminished and foolish, and she feels frustrated and angry. He takes on the role of a child being scolded while she takes on the role of a bossy parent. I know I often encourage couples to try roleplay, but that’s far from the scenario I have in mind! No wonder so many men and women find their sex lives suffer when household chores come into play—it’s not that the vacuum itself is emasculating, but that the wife yelling “No, put it on the floor setting, you moron!’ is emasculating.

Changing roles in the workplace might also play a role. In today’s economy, it’s not uncommon for men to be out of work or for them to make less money than their spouses, and this can be a blow to their ego. Even though it’s 2013, many men still feel as though they “should” be the breadwinner, and it might make them feel inadequate if they can’t be the provider they aspire to be. It can be doubly difficult if they feel as though their daily duties (cleaning, cooking, chauffeuring the kids to school) are "feminine," especially if they have buddies or family members who rag on them for being Mr. Mom. Hearing these messages day-in and day-out (not to mention seeing them on TV and in the movies) can be difficult for a man’s ego, particularly if men feel nagged or unappreciated in their relationships.

While it’s wonderful that we are moving towards a more egalitarian society (and while I think it’s very important for dads to be hands-on when it comes to raising their kids and helping around the house), it’s important to remember that this is new territory for many couples. Most of us grew up in homes where Mom cooked and cleaned and Dad went to the office everyday, so switching the roles or even modifying these roles slightly so that Dad makes dinner a few nights a week can require some adjustments. It can require the men to put aside the antiquated notion that it’s “womanly” to cook and clean, and it can require women to put aside the equally antiquated notion that Mother knows best. That means letting him empty the dishwasher how he wants and grinning and bearing it when he forgets to separate the whites from the darks. It means letting him figure out his way of cleaning, cooking and parenting, just as he allows you the same. Essentially, it means making sure that you both have equal say and responsibility in your relationship and that you each have a voice which is important and valued.

But it doesn’t end there. It’s also important to make sure that you are allowing him some room to feel in control, whether it’s by giving up the reins in the bedroom or by going on a surrender date (in which he gets to pick and choose what you wear—down to your undergarments!—where you go to dinner and even what meal you order). The idea is that when you sit back and let him take over, you can simply sit back and enjoy yourself without stress, and it will also allow you to see how well he does when you actually allow him to step up. It might give you a chance to see that he isn’t the "hapless husband" trope that is popularized on shows like "King of Queens" and "Everybody Loves Raymond". Instead, he might just be the sexy, smart, funny and capable man that you fell in love with.

And, finally, it’s crucial to make sure that you both give appreciations on a daily basis. Appreciations are like compliments, except they are often more personal and heartfelt, such as “I love watching you read to the kids at bedtime. They are so lucky to have you as a dad!” or “When you warm up my car for me in the morning, it makes me feel so spoiled and loved.” By giving your partner an appreciation, you are validating his hard work and boosting his ego a little bit, and this will go a long way in helping him to feel masculine and important. Additionally, when you give appreciations, you get them back in return, meaning that you both will feel more loved and valued…a win-win!

At the end of the day, that’s what a happy relationship is all about—giving love openly and generously without judgment or recrimination and allowing your partner room to do the same. The rest is just housework!

Last Updated: 1/22/2013

Laura Berman, PhD, is a leading sex and relationship educator and therapist, popular TV and radio host, New York Times best-selling author, and assistant clinical professor of ob-gyn and psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago.

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