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Macbeth is a Pussy

today I am going to tell you a story about a guywho sucks so bad you aren’t even allowed to say his name in theaters anymorehis name isMACBETH

okay so Macbeth is actually pretty legit at the beginninghe is out on all the battlefields stomping facessome dudes are standing by the battlefields like WHOADID YOU SEE ALL THOSE FACES MACBETH JUST STOMPEDSO MANY FACESand then the battle is over and apparently this one Thanewhich is like scottish for “super important dude”was totally a little traitor bitch so they had to execute himand since Macbeth stomped so many faces he gets to be the new Thanehe’s already a thane actually but now he gets to be TWO THANES

so meanwhile cut to macbethhe doesn’t know about that shit yetand he’s just strolling through all the faces he just stompedalong with his best bro banquoand all of a sudden the two of them run up on some WITCHESand they’re like WHOAWITCHESWHY YOU LADIES SO UGLY?DO YOU REALIZEYOU HAVE BEARDS?!and the witches are like bro we have better things to do than worry about shavingcongrats on your new promotion by the wayand Macbeth is like uh what promotionand the witches are like NO TIME TO EXPLAINWE HAVE PROPHECIESPROPHECY NUMBER ONE:MACBETH YOU ARE GOING TO BE KINGPROPHECY NUMBER TWO:BANQUOYOU ARE GOING TO GET SO MURDERED DUDEBUT YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA BE KING SO THAT’S OKAY KIND OF?and Macbeth is like whoaBanquolooks like you got the short end of the murderstick buddyhope this doesn’t cause any bad blood between usand Banquo is like I am 100% sure that it will notONE HUNDRED PERCENTthen some dudes show up and tell Macbeth that he is now TWO THANESand his mind is TOTALLY BLOWN

so pretty much the first thing Macbeth doesis he writes a letter to his wifewhose name is Lady Macbethwhich begs the questionif you name is Macbethwhy would you marry someone named Lady Macbeththat seems like you are just ASKING for incest at that pointbut anyway he writes her this letter about all the stuff with the witchesand Lady Macbeth gets it and she’s like WHOADUDES I AM TOTALLY GONNA BE A QUEEN UP IN HEREBUT WAITmy husband is ambitious and everythingbut he’s WAYYYY too much of a pussy to do any serious kingmurderingwhich is how I figure this whole prophecy thing is gonna get doneso okayI’m just gonna grit my teethand pop a squatand try to grow as many balls as I can before my husband gets home

so Macbeth gets home and Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND WE MUST MURDER THE KING and Macbeth is like whoawhoawhere did all these balls come fromi am seriously about to trip on them this is unpleasantand Lady Macbeth is like NO TIME FOR THATINVITE KING DUNCAN OVER TO OUR HOUSE FOR A SWEET PARTYLEAVE THE MURDER PLANS TO MEI HAVE SO MANY BALLS THEY ARE WORKING IN PARALLEL THEY ARE PLANNING SO MANY MURDERSso Macbeth is pretty nervous about thisbut he says okand he invites Duncan over to his placeDuncan, by the way, is not only the kinghe is also related to macbethalso since Macbeth has invited him overhe is also a guest in macbeth’s homeand normally you don’t stab your guests to deathit is just kind of not politeso that’s three very good reasons for Macbeth NOT to murder this guynot to mention the fact that Duncan has just made SOME OTHER DUDE his heirsome dude named Malcolmwho i think is his son?So I’m not even sure what Macbeth expects to gain from this murderlikeis the plan to just keep murdering kings until they run out of kingsand they have to use Macbeth?AND ON TOP OF THATdidn’t the witches just hand him down a prophecythat told him he was gonna become king?like isn’t that a thing from the future that is totally guaranteed to happen?why does he even need to murder anyone?why doesn’t he just chill out and take a napand have someone wake him up when the prophecy is fulfilled?This is like if someone prophesied that you were gonna get fifty bucksand your response was to go outside and immediately murder someone for their walletor actually more likeif someone made a date with you for thursday nightbut it was monday nightso you just murdered everyone else they knewuntil they had no choice but to go on a date with you immediatelywhich is actually my dating strategy now that I think about it

but there is one simple all-consuming reason for macbeth to go through with itwhich is that if he doesn’this wife will totally call him a pussy FOREVERso obviously that trumps everything elseand then true to her wordLady Macbeth comes up with a pretty okay planbasically the plan isMacbeth stabs Duncan in his sleepthen Lady Macbeth passes out bloody knives to all of Duncan’s sleeping guardsand then they tell everyone the guards did itand apparently suffer from narcolepsy?but there is sort of a hitch in the planwhich is that no sooner has Macbeth done the murder partthen these two dudes Macduff and Lennox show up at the castlethey get let in by this doorman who is just SHITFACEDseriously this dude fell off the wagon so hard he is drinking with the mole-menwaddling up to the door talking to scottish noblemen about piss and sexit’s greatit’s the only great thing that happens to anyone in this playbut so yeah Macbeth has to go deal with Macduff and Lennoxhe’s like HEY GUYSTHE KING IS SLEEPINGDON’T BELIEVE ME?HERE LET ME SHOW YOU HIS-ohhhh snaplooks like the king got stabbed by his retainerswho then fell asleep just outside of his roombecause you knowmurdering is pretty tiringI meanso I’ve heardLET ME JUST MURDER ALL THESE CLEARLY GUILTY GUARDS BEFORE THEY CAN WAKE UP AND TELL ANY LIES ABOUT HOW IT WAS ME THAT DID THE STABBING OR SOMETHINGand then afterwards he feels really bad about thisbecause he just murdered like a dozen innocent peoplebut his wife is like dude chill outjust wash the blood off your hands and BAMPROBLEM SOLVED

wait nono no nonot problem solvedno problems are ever solved in this playthey just affix problems together using a thick mortar of MORE PROBLEMSsee, the murders do not stop with Duncanno no nocause right after those murdersMalcolm flips his shit and decides to run away to Englandand Macbeth actually does become king by some crazy coincidenceand he just wastes absolutely no time at allin becoming crazy paranoid about his best bro Banquowho you may remember was prophesied to get totally murderedand I GUESS MACBETH IS JUST GOING TO MANUALLY FULFILL ALL THE PROPHECIES NOWjeezethis guy has no finesse at allbut you know what they saywhen the only tool you have is a hammereverybody starts to look like a problem

so Macbeth hires some dudes to murder banquoand they do murder banquobut they don’t murder banquo’s sonwho is prophesied to be kingand who we will never hear from again for the rest of the playbecause Shakespeare is totally setting shit up for MACBETH 2: THE SCOTTISH SLAY

but anyway yeah then Macbeth immediately goes to dinnerand I guess he forgot to cancel Banquo’s invitation to the dinnerbecause Banquo is TOTALLY SITTING IN MACBETH’S SEATtalk about rudeactually it’s fineit’s just Banquo’s ghostMacbeth could totally just sit inside of him and no one would carebut instead he just stands in the middle of the dining roomscreaming at a ghost no one else can seeand Lady Macbeth is like haha guys don’t worry about my husbandhe is just under a lot of stress from all the murders he hasn’t committedhe’s been sooooooo busy not committing murdersand we’re scottishso that’s likehard(PSST MACBETH CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS)but Macbeth’s tits will not be calmedhe just goes right on screaming at that ghost until everyone gets uncomfortable and leavesand then Lady Macbeth is like HUSBANDWHY MUST YOU RUIN ALL MY DINNER PARTIES WITH YOUR GUILT-INDUCED SCHIZOPHRENIA?

okay what the fuck is Lady Macbeth’s problemwe have already established that these murders are totally unnecessaryand plus there are a ton of really great reasons for not doing themand yet this woman is basically riding her husband barebackspurring him onwards towards basically every murder it is possible to commitdid she at some point wake upand decide that the world was suffering from a deficit of terrible people?does she just have a swollen bitch gland?is she actually just two cthulus in a ladysuit?all are plausible explanationsbut none can say for sure

oh yeah and also apparently Macbeth is a TERRIBLE kinglike supernaturally terriblelike so terrible that Scotland is plunged into eternal nightand the horses are all eating each otherwhich up until this point I thought was pretty regular for scotlandbut everybody is pretty pissed about it so I dunnoand meanwhile Macbeth is pretty miserableand his wife’s brain is slowly meltingand honestly at this point I have no idea why this guy wanted to be a kingit’s not like he’s bathing in a molten pool of gold and whores or anythinghe is pretty much just wandering through a labyrinth of medieval horrorfinding more and more efficient ways to hate himself

but so in order to quell his crippling paranoiahe goes and hits up those witches from earlierbecause, you knoweverything they’ve said so far has turned out SO GREATand the witches are like oh dude, don’t even worryherelet us summon this bloodsoaked baby to tell you about how invincible you areand the baby is like sup dudeyou cannot be killed by any man who was birthed by a womanalso:you see that forest over there?your castle will remain blissfully unfucked until THAT forestruns up the hill to YOUR CASTLEand Macbeth is like BOYTHIS IS CERTAINLY REASSURING NOT LIKE THEY COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME I’M UNKILLABLE OR SOMETHINGWOOOOOOOOOOOthen he goes ahead and kills Macduff’s whole family for some reasonpresumably because he is nervous

meanwhile in EnglandMalcolm is pretty pissed about the whole murder thing that Macbeth didplus he hears that Scotland is turning into basically the shittiest place everso he asks the king of england if he can borrow like ten thousand dudesand the king of england is like sure dudeI’ve got guys ALL OVER THE PLACE down hereand then Macduff shows upbecause he is ALSO pissed off about the whole murder thingspecifically the whole murdering his entire family thingand he convinces Malcolm that he wants to help him kill Macbethbasically by helping Malcolm insult himself a whole bunchand then the two of them grab all their dudes and march back to Scotland

BACK IN SCOTLAND:Macbeth hears about this huge dudemarchand he’s kinda pissedbut he’s also pretty sure he’s immortalso he’s not too worriedexcept that usually when you are not too worriedyou do not insist on putting on your armor WEEKS IN ADVANCEthen run around your house screaming at everyone about how unworried you areso uhmaybe he is a little scaredalso his wife diesafter spending several weeks sleepwalkingfor the express purpose of telling ANYONE WHO WILL LISTENabout ALL THE MURDERSSERIOUSLY?!COME ONLADY MACBETHYOU CANNOT PUSSYWHIP YOUR IMPRESSIONABLE DOUCHEBAG HUSBAND INTO MURDERING EVERYONETHEN TURN AROUND AND THROW HIM UNDER THE BUSJUST BECAUSE YOU HAPPEN TO BE ASLEEP AND CRAZYOH WHATYOU FEEL GUILTY NOW?IS THAT IT?WOMANFEELING GUILTY AT THIS POINT IS LIKE TRYING TO CHOKE A BABY WITH A CONDOMTOO LITTLETOO LATEbut then yeah she’s dead so that’s fineno one even really notices because by this point all the dudes have arrivedand also Macbeth is screaming way too loud

so Malcolm and Macduff are commanding this armyand they figure that a really great strategy for hiding their numbersis to just uproot a whole bunch of trees from a nearby forestand hold them in front of themselves as they march up the hill to Macbeth’s castlewhich is a plan taken straight out of Looney Tuneslikeseriously guys?you expect Macbeth to look out over his rampartsand be like ohno worriesI was expecting ten thousand dudesbut this is just ten thousand MOVING TREESno see what Macbeth doesis he sees these treesand he FLIPS THE FUCK OUTbecause obviously this means his castle is about to get mega invadedbut he’s like oh wellat least I’m still unkillable, right?RIGHT GUYS?fuck this I’m just gonna go downstairs and stab everybody

so he doesand he’s pretty much killing all the guy everit is a good reminder of how cool he used to beback at the beginning of the play when he was stomping all the facesexcept now the faces he is stompingare the faces of ALL THE GOOD GUYSuntil finally Macduff rolls up on him like hey manwhat’s goodI have this sword and it is really heavycan I just leave it inside your chest for a minuteand Macbeth is like HAHA DIDN’T YOU HEARNO MAN OF WOMAN BORN CAN SLAY MACBETHand Macduff is like ohwell uhdo you happen to have a hundred and eighty-thousand dollarsand seven to eight years of free time?and Macbeth is like well I am a king and I am immortal so I would say yeahand Macduff is like goodBECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE YOU TO MED SCHOOL BITCHI WAS BORN VIA C-SECTIONWHICH MEANS NO WOMAN BIRTHED MEWHICH MEANS I AM THE DUDEWHO IS GOING TO BE CHAPERONING THIS ONE-MAN MURDERPROMand Macbeth is like waitdoesn’t it still count as being of woman borneven if it was a C-section?I meanyou came out of a woman, right?that’s where you came fromwouldn’t it have made more sense for me to be killed by a womanthat seems a lot less open to interpretationmight have been a more satisfying resolution is all I’m sayingand Macduff is like duderemember how we had to find a prepubescent boy to play your wife?we’re all dudes living in Elizabethan Englandwe’re pretty sexistand Macbeth is like okay fair pointand the Macduff kills him

so yayyyymacbeth is deadMalcolm gets to be kingand he pretty much can’t help but be a better king than Macbethliterally all he has to do is have it not be eternal nightand maybe refrain from murdering ABSOLUTELY EVERYONEand then the sequel Banquo’s son comes backWITH A VENGEANCE

so the moral of the storyis if you are having a hard time securing that promotion at workconsider murderit’s a great short term solution

15 thoughts on “Macbeth is a Pussy”

but even a woman is woman-born, so…? it's pretty much impossible to be a human and not be of woman born. Don't know where Shakespeare was going with that. I guess an non-human animal could have killed him?

Dude, Macbeth being all like, "No man of woman born can kill me!" and then having his throat torn out by Macduff's dog– I mean, like one of those big Scottish deerhound things, not some cairn terrier or whatever– that would be badass. But I'm guessing that Old Bill couldn't get a big, serious-looking dog that wouldn't freak out on stage and *actually* tear out somebody's throat, so we get this open debate, instead.

This site. So good. At ‘is she actually just two cthulus in a ladysuit?’ I was unable to contain my laughter and it just sort of burst out and my flatmate looked at me all sort of concerned but I am actually fine, thanks this is awesome.

You know who else had a beef with this half-assed prophecies? John Ronald Reuel Tolkien! That’s why he wrote about Éowyn (a woman) killing the Witch-king of Angmar (unkillable by any man).
Oh, and the forest storming a castle? That’s why Tolkien invented the ENTS! Yep, you heard that right: Without Shakespeare screwing up here, we would have no Ents today.