GRAND RAPIDS, MI—After 85 years in business, Family Christian Stores is closing all 240 stores nationwide, citing a lack of roundtrips to heaven in recent years.

“Those were the moneymakers, there’s no doubt about it,” spokesman Cliff Sickelman told reporters, referring to bestsellers like Heaven Is for Real (2010). “Our readers just loved learning about the eternal state from imaginative young kids.”

Not even Jesus Calling paraphernalia could stop the financial bleeding once the heavenly tourism business dried up.

“Sarah Young helped us big time, but she’s no imaginative 4-year-old boy.”

“If I learned anything over the years,” Sickelman added, “it’s that Christians will spare no expense to learn about heaven from books outside the Bible.”