lbum Chart Notes: Back, and late, seen as how I been done gone
down to Safeway. Needed milk. Anyway, we join the album chart halfway
through—SMiLE befits its status as The Greatest Lost Album Of
All Time by entering one place behind Groove Armada's Greatest Hits,
at #7. So yep, we get “At The River” instead, which ain't so bad
really, is it? Could've been worse, they could've played something off
the Tom Jones & Jools Holland collaboration instead (new at #5). They
do, however, play Marilyn Manson's cover of “Personal Jesus” to
celebrate his greatest hits entering at #4. It sounds exactly like
you'd imagine. Hmm.

And your new number one album is Joss Stone. Hooray for Joss. Wes
interviews her over the phone and she sounds pneumonic. They play
“Spoiled”, and it sounds rather nice, really. Bit Carole King-esque in
places, but that's a good thing to these ears. Like Alicia Keys but
without all those annoying flashes of Amazingly Talentedness. I like
it. Yep, you've really been missing that kind of insightfulness this
past month, eh?

(What I missed: THE SALES R BACK!!! Which, with depressing
inevitability, means the Stereophonics are back in the top 20, along
with The Best Of Blur and, somewhat confusingly, Ziggy Stardust. Yer
other new entry was Mark Knopfler at #11. They might've played
something off it, but I wouldn't bet on it.)

I really want a sandwich. Bugger. Anyway—it's The British Kelis,
and, er, she's an awful lot better than she used to be. The backing is
lovely, there's this relentless low strumming under it, occasional
flashes of string. All dead intense and steamy, exceedingly dizzying
and pretty much fantastic. The lyrics are a bit pish, though—"I'm
still crazy for your horny love"—and there's a 'rap breakdown' that
could, at best, be described as ill-advised, but considering how dodgy
“Bad-Ass Strippa” was, this is a giant leap forwards.

19) JOSS STONE – You Had Me

The guitars sound a bit like “Superstition”! It's a formula, and it's
pretty winning—the backing band hold it steady and let Joss get on
with doing her stuff up front, all sounding peculiarly relaxed. As her
singles have come to be noted for, it's got the one wonderfully
imitable moment, namely the bit where she goes "messing with moy
mye-eend!" and it's just generally pretty tops. I'm in a good mood so
far today.

18) MAROON 5 – Shiwiiiiiiw Billughh

So far. Went to the freshers' ball thing last night cos the rest of
the flat were going, so I thought I'd be sociable an' that. It was
alright, really, just not particularly memorable—except for two
things. Firstly, this was the big dancefloor number of the evening.
Secondly, the 411's next single samples “Sour Times” by Portishead,
and is amazing. Other than that, I continued with my uncanny
knack of avoding the spectacular, or perhaps it's the spectacular that
avoids me. I dunno.

Ah Christ—the pita bread is under the grill, but I really wanna
hear this… oh fuck. Well, anyway, this is still the sweariest single
to have ever entered the top 40 (57 fucks in just under five minutes),
but this here new edition is possibly also the longest single to have
ever gone top 40, being as it is 22 and a half minutes long. Which
means it's probably even swearier too, though I couldn't tell because
we got a slightly edited version that lasted about three minutes. It's
still one of their best moments in any case, that huge clomping
chorus, the bit towards the end where it almost goes a bit
finger-clicky—"Y'know they don't givva fuckaboww annybody else…" I
actually went out and bought it today, so I might give the whole thing
a listen and let you know how it sounds a bit later, if I can get a
spare half hour.

15) BIG BROVAZ – Yours Fatally (NEW ENTRY)

And so, having got rid of Filthy Drug Monster, they return and get
nowhere near the top 10, which is a bit of a shame cos this is
probably the best thing they've ever done. They sound intentionally a
bit evil. One of them appears to have attempted to cop Mike Skinner's
flow, which isn't the greatest idea they could ever have had.

Actually, I've completely forgotten how this goes, and I really can't
be arsed trying to remember any more. Sorry.

14) NATASHA BEDINGFIELD – These Words

I've softened on this during my absence.

13) BRYAN/BRIAN McFADDEN – Real To Me

If you ever spot me thinking this is a good idea, though, then please
punch me in the face. Hard. With a brick.

12) TWISTA ft. ANTHONY HAMILTON – Sunshine

Cannily realises that no song that sounds like “Lovely Day” can ever
be a bad thing. This, therefore, is a good thing. I'm studying Reason
& Argument as part of Philosophy. I'm learning quickly, eh?

11) 3 OF A KIND – Babycakes

Did a PA thing at the Freshers' Ball. The girl really is that short.

At which juncture we get the download chart which no-one gives a shit
about (they don't do the DVD chart anymore, mind, which must be some
kind of a blessing), so I'd best be saying my thanks to the Special
Guest Presenters, Ed, Barima, Lex and Cis—you were even better than
I imagined you'd be, and have raised the bar for me to a
nigh-unacceptable level. Sorry about the whole 'enforced listening to
toss', mind, but then again I've got that frigging Robbie Williams
single next week.

10) THE STREETS – Blinded By The Lights (NEW ENTRY)

And the trouble with concept albums is there aren't that many obvious
singles, so here's Mike at Shit Rave (in the video, a 'wedding'),
getting pissed off by crap drugs, losing his bird to his best mate
(though he doesn't realise it yet), crap drinks, and dodgy mobile
reception. For all its non-radio-friendly nature, it does work pretty
well. At least it's not “Not Addicted”, anyway.

9) GREEN DAY – American Idiot

Sorry, dancing to number 8—but this is good too. I'm probably the
only person who's reading this that reckons the "Welcome to a new kind
of tension" line is strangely perfect, the way it's delivered, the way
the guitars sound at that precise moment … so good, the rest of the
song could be Billie Joe Armstrong saying "LADIES & GENTLEMEN—MISTER
KELLY JONES!" before they launch into a cover of “Don't Let The Sun Go
Down On Me” and it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.

Sorry, no, I've just imagined that happening and I suddenly need the toilet.

8) GIRLS ALOUD – Love Machine

Great because:

1)

2) The song itself. There's something incredibly irresistible about
this one, the random slap of half-cut 'sultry slow bit' in between The
New Sound Of Psycho-Skiffle, the way that apart from those bits it's
basically head-down can-can skiffle-shuffle CHEEEEEE-ARRRRGE all the
way, practically screaming out for tambourines to be whacked against
thighs while bobbing about like a mad bastard.

3) The video, which is actually terrible, but terrible in that
uniquely Girls Aloud way. Cos even when they're terrible, they're so
much better at being terrible than everyone else that it doesn't
really seem to matter…

7) JOJO – Leave (Get Out)

Ah, JoJo. A staggeringly average, nigh-Lopezular bit of R&B, redeemed
by the one bit of this song no-one ever talks about—the brackets in
the title. I keep wanting to yell "LEAVE BRACKETS GET OUT!!!" at
people, just because it feels like a really really good catchphrase
for reasons I can't actually justify. Try it yourself, cos I've not
quite got the bottle.

6) NELLY – Flap Ya Wings/My Place

This was number one? What for? He's short, he's got a side
parting shaved into his hair, and he always sounds like he's wanking
furiously. And you're meant to look at those album sleeves with a
straight face? Kee-reist. Anyway, this stumbles around all over the
place for ages, Nelly keeps going on about 'getting your eagle on'
like he's in some way The Bestest Rapping Man In The World Ever,
there's no hook, no point… seriously, this was number one? Fucking
hell.

5) REM – Leaving New York (NEW ENTRY)

And what's this? No, no, “Imitation Of Life” was a bad
thing, and this sounds just like it but even drearier, plod, plod,
ooh, I'mma get you Dubya, plod, plod… just… no. Try again. And stop
thinking “Shiny Happy People” was a bad thing.

Ooh, this is a bit of a surprise—their only previous chart action
saw them collaborating with Everything But The Girl (you'd never have
guessed they formed at university, would you?) and getting to #31,
despite their massive reputation etc. What's even odder is that this
tune has propelled them into the top three, because it's… well,
describing it as “Is It 'Cos I'm Cool?: The Next Generation” isn't too
far from the mark. The backing is a guitar riff that's probably been
ripped off the Stones or AC/DC or someone, looped over and over.
There's the odd finger-click here and there, house beat deep
underneath, this reverb noise that crashes in and fades out every few
seconds or so, and a woman singing in the style of the Detroit
garage-soul types about how she never loved some man and she'd rather
die or something. It makes no sense, this big slab of eerie
house-noir, strumming, booming and slithering violently around, no
chorus, just the sound, dropping in and out as she sings the song to
herself. #3 this week, ladies and gentlemen, just behind…

2) RONAN KEATING – I Hope You Dance (NEW ENTRY)

Ronan does a slow one, and it's just as shit as all his other slow
ones. He holds notes for too long. He does the craggy voice thing. He
can fuck off.

1) ERIC PRYDZ – Call On Me

Yes, it's the song that, regardless of what volume it's played at,
always sounds like you're listening to it outside a student pub at
about quarter-to-eleven on a Friday evening! It isn't very good,
really, is it?

Yes, I'm listening to this now. The first one and a half minutes is
crowd noise intermingled with a Bill Hicks sample on loop about how
all governments are murderers and criminals—and then the song. It
starts quiet like it always does, Gruff and his acoustic, and the
crowd start cheering like it's Coldplay headlining Glastonbury or
something, and then: "YOU KNOW THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYBODY
ELSE! YOU KNOW THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE! YOU KNOW
THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE!" Cos really, classic
songwriting only gets you so far, doesn't it? Besides which, jumping
around while repeatedly swearing really loudly is far more fun.
Another verse, then more swearing… then at about six minutes, it fades
into a Gigantic Bout Of Banging Techno, except somehow more fun than
all that. Anyway, there's then about ten minutes of banging, then some
loud guitars, and then back with the chorus for another four, before
it all ends with a blast of air-raid siren and about a minute of crowd
cheering and foghorns and stuff. It isn't that great, to be honest,
because I'm listening to it in my bedroom as opposed to Live From
London's Hammersmith Apollo, where it would doubtless have been
something close to mind-blowing… but still, the singles collection is
finally out tomorrow, and considering the songs that are on it (yes,
even “Hello Sunshine”) it's probably going to be one of the greatest
records ever released and go straight to number one in the album
charts and stay there till at least next February. So inevitably,
everyone'll buy the bloody REM album instead…

(Oh, and Annie's album Anniemal is allegedly being released
tomorrow too, so get that as well. Assuming it is being released
tomorrow. No-one seems entirely sure.)