In His Own Words: Abused Men Who Suffer in Silence

It’s day 15 of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Alan shares his story of abuse by his Borderline Personality Disordered ex-wife and the Family Court.

I have suffered in silence.

Dr. T, I am writing this down for you because I can’t remain silent and be able to move on from the hell that was my engagement and marriage.

I met my now ex-wife back in 2011. We got together and dated for about 6 months before we got engaged.

The wedding took place almost a year later. We had our fights and stuff, but it got really bad before the wedding. I was about to leave and she used her family to bully me into going through with the marriage. Against the advisement of family and friends, I went through with it. Things were okay for about three months. After that, it all went to complete hell.

She would start arguments and go on a yelling rampage while calling me every name in the book.She expected me to work full time AND take care of the house.She wanted to take responsibility for getting the bills paid.The problem is, she never took the time to pay the bills.

She got her car repo’d, never dropped off rent, and never paid anything else.It was all my fault according to her.I worked over 80 hours a week, and, “I was never home and neglectful.”When I had days off, she would say, “You’re not making enough money.”

I got to a point where I would ignore her when she wanted to fight.She started physically assaulting me to force me to argue.She would punch me in the back repeatedly when I was trying to sleep.

This went on for the next 9 months.In that time, she got pregnant.Yes, my daughter is mine.No, I didn’t enjoy being with her intimately because it was always about her and when she felt like I deserved it.She made me feel like a toy.

Her outbursts and combativeness got worse during the pregnancy.She arbitrarily decided that she was leaving one night and, in a hysterical rage, packed a bag and went to walk down the road at 10 at night while she was nine months pregnant.After our daughter was born, she calmed down a bit or so I thought. In reality, she got even worse.

I would come home to find our daughter lying on the floor in front of the TV.By my ex’s own admission, she would let her lay there and scream for hours on end.I only had to pick our daughter up for five minutes, and she would go to sleep in my arms.I also had to pick my daughter up from a bar where my ex decided to go drinking.Then the day came when I realized I couldn’t save this marriage.

I came home from a five day shift in the field (oilfields).I just wanted to sleep, and she wanted to argue and fight.She started pushing me around.I locked myself in the bathroom and slept on the floor to get away.

I knew I couldn’t call the police.They would have arrested me just because I am a male.She then threatened to kill everyone in the house, took our daughter, said she would make sure I never saw her again, got in the car, and took off.The next day, I filed for orders of protection against her along with divorce.

I notified the city PD about the death threats.They said they couldn’t help me until she followed through with it.I am not kidding.

The county sheriff went to serve her with the orders of protection and the divorce papers.She evaded the county sheriff for a week.She checked into an abused women’s shelter.She went to a district court and had orders filed against me.

I didn’t run from the process server or try to hide.I accepted them and turned in my concealed handgun permit to the sheriff and surrendered my firearms to a trusted friend in accordance with the law.The sheriff wrote a letter to the court explaining that I complied immediately and that he knew me well enough to know that the orders against me were unwarranted.

The first court hearing in the case was supposed to be to make my orders of protection against her permanent.Since I filed in county court, the district court judge that she went to threw my orders out without properly notifying me.So, in the first hearing of this whole mess, the judge (Elizabeth Strobel, Weld County Colorado, District 9) would only listen to my ex’s case. She told my attorney and me that she didn’t want to hear anything from us.

This was the first time she allowed my ex to leave the state with my daughter.At this point, I hadn’t seen her in almost a month.Fortunately, the orders against me were dropped, but only because my ex felt like it.

The second hearing established parenting time.Long story short, she interfered non-stop.She violated court orders and the judge said that she wouldn’t hold my ex in contempt.The judge enabled her to be even more abusive, while separating me from my daughter even more.I was ordered to pay her more money than I could afford.I lost the house and had to move into a friend’s place.Right now, I still don’t have a place of my own.

For the last hearing, we went to a CFI.My ex admitted to him that she checked into the abuse shelter under false pretenses.He also noted that she showed strong symptoms of BPD along with HPD.The judge decided to allow my ex to leave the state permanently with my daughter.Her reasoning was that because I am a male, I am not biologically equipped to be a parent, and because I work full time, I am not qualified to be a parent.Under state law, my ex can not collect alimony because we were married for less than two years at the time of filing.I only pay child support now.

My ex still harasses me from a distance.She uses my daughter as a weapon to attack me.She interferes with the court orderd contact.She always has an excuse for why she can’t let me talk to her on Skype. The judge won’t hold her in contempt.The judge enables her abuse to continue.

I will never be free from this hell.I don’t care about myself in this though.What really bothers me the most, is that my daughter is stuck with it, and is being used as a weapon of war against me.She doesn’t deserve that, and I wish I knew how to save her from it.

I looked for help.I tried to talk to an abuse counselor.They didn’t care about me, and said they couldn’t help me.There was no help.And there isn’t any for other men like me…

In His Own Words/In Her Own Words is an effort to help raise awareness about the invisible victims of domestic violence, men. If you would like to submit your story, please follow the guidelines at the end of this article.

Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.

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Comments

I was in a very similar relationship. I have literally lost everything! All I can say to you, brother is, “get used to dealing with loss.” There are no winners in that situation. Put it behind you and deal with the situation with your kids the best you can and move forward as a parolee would. With nothing but the knowledge you need to avoid repeating the mistakes of your past.

You know, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to realize….., that I was a victim of domestic violence and abuse (me, a grown man!)

I’ve been married almost11 years now and have 2 wonderful children; I moved to the U.S. just to be with my wife and don’t have any family back home anyway but I digress…

Things were great for the first 5-6 years but unexpectedly things took a turn for the worst – we’d always engage in arguments but she began picking up ‘weapons’ whenever we would (knifes, mugs, lamps, etc….)
I honestly began ignoring her whenever she’d go off but that just sent her temper into an even deeper rage – she began backing me into corners knowing that I would refuse to put my hands on her (tbh it did cross my mind almost every time that she did)

I’m quite tall and athletic so the assumption would be to believe that I could either defend myself or be intimidating enough to put a stop to it all……
However she knows VERY WELL that I would never raise a single finger to her so she is fearless in her rage.

Whenever I’d try to leave the house to ‘blow off steam’ she’d follow me yelling and screaming for all the neighbors to see.

The embarrassment of that was nothing compared to the time I slipped by her when she tried to block me, so she jumped in the car and drove about 5″ behind me for almost a mile before just hitting the gas and knocking me onto the hood of the car.

Her latest tactic is threatening to take the children from me…..

The laws in the U.S. are already designed to favor the mother, so imagine how a foreign father would be perceived?!
My children are my life and I’m terrified of losing them.

I have several stab wound scars on my hand and arm and I’ve never once put my hands on her other than to ‘squeeze by’ when she blocks the doorways to prevent me from walking away from the argument.

About 18 months ago I met someone (a woman) with whom I began to share these stories and surprisingly she never judged me and made it very easy to open up to….., this relationship NEVER once became anything more than time spent together and ‘therapy’ discussions but my wife found out and every single day I’ve been accused of cheating to the point that my children are convinced that their father is a ‘liar’ and a ‘cheater’!

I cannot leave her because I not only will i lose my children but I may possibly be deported;
I have no family or any friends to go back to so I have no option but to stay in this situation and bare it;

This page has been extremely helpful to me since discovering it – knowing that others are going through things like this makes me feel less isolated.
Please keep up the fantastic work.