An
Appraisal of the Utility of a Chocolate Teapot

THE CHOCOLATE
teapot remains popular as a general comparative standard for the failure of an
object to perform in accordance with its intended function, rivalled only by
its close relative (in terms of composition, if not morphology), the chocolate
fireguard. However, whilst numerous items are colloquially labelled as being
as useful as a chocolate teapot', there does not appear to be any
objective standard for the usefulness, or indeed uselessness, of a chocolate
teapot itself. In the absence of any British, European or ANSI Standard, Def
Stan or MIL-STD for this important but poorly-specified reference item, it was
decided to conduct an independent assessment of exactly how much use one of
them was. As well as filling an significant gap in the standards literature, it
was felt that this study would add to the body of work published in the
Annals of Improbable Research on the scientific evaluation of
common metaphors (Sandford, 1995; Paskevich and Shea, 1995; Dubik and Wood,
1995; collected in Abrahams, 1998).

Materials and Methods

The first step in this research programme was the acquisition of
a chocolate teapot. Common usage of this term is frustratingly vague, in that
neither the volumetric capacity of the reference standard teapot or the type of
chocolate used are specified. However, the Cheltenham branch of Marks and
Spencer PLC were able to supply a chocolate teapot; in the absence of any
alternative samples for evaluation, this example was taken as representative of
chocolate teapots in general.

An initial physical examination and comparison with a reference
(thermosetting plastic) teapot immediately revealed a number of shortcomings in
the test item that would seriously compromise its fitness for use. Its capacity
was rather low, being visually estimated as approximately 0.3 litre, or two
medium mugs of tea. The vagueness and subjective nature of this estimate were
due to the second, and more significant deficiency evident in the chocolate
teapot: the absence of any apertures for filling or pouring. Although the
chocolate teapot clearly featured a lid' and spout', these were
solidly moulded into the overall contiguous shell structure and made no
provision for the adding of teabags or hot water or for the dispensing of tea.

In order that a practical evaluation of the chocolate teapot
could be made it was therefore necessary to mechanically modify it to more
closely resemble a standard teapot. Use of a thermally enhanced cutting
implement allowed the moulded lid' to be detached, whilst a
similarly-heated probe was used to perforate the spout' (Fig 1).

Fig 1

Following modification, the chocolate teapot was deemed suitable
for the test central to the assessment of its utility: the preparation of a cup
of tea. Additional equipment used for this experiment comprised a Sainsbury's
round tea bag (Fig 2) and 400 ml of consumer-grade H2O heated to
approx 370 K (97°C).

Fig 2

Given that the general terms used to describe chocolate teapots
suggested that the test item would probably not perform particularly well, it
was placed in a metal containment vessel prior to commencement of the test. The
lid was then removed and the teabag inserted, followed by the addition of 200
ml of H2O at time T=0 (Figs 3, 4).

Fig 3

Fig 4

Experimental Results

Events started to diverge from the course expected of a standard
teapot in a very short timescale. The first evidence of loss of containment was
observed at approximately T+5s, in the form of a major leak in the vicinity of
the handle (Fig 5). By T+10s major structural failure was clearly in progress
(Fig 6).

Fig 5

Fig 6

This had reached catastrophic proportions by T+15s, with total
loss of H2O containment (Fig 7).

Fig 7

Whilst the vented liquid was not subjected to any chemical or
taste analysis, it was clear from its lack of colour and brief exposure to the
tea bag that the desired conversion to tea had not taken place (Fig 8).

Fig 8

Conclusions

On the basis of this test we felt it safe to conclude that, in
respect of its suitability for the role that its design suggests, a chocolate
teapot is of no use at all. As such, such an item should serve as an excellent
baseline of uselessness against which to compare other, similarly
dysfunctional, items. However, it should be noted that if a wider view of
possible functional roles is taken, the object of our experiments is not
completely without use, as was subsequently demonstrated by the principal
investigator (Fig 9).

Fig 9

References

Abrahams, M. (1998) The Best of Annals of Improbable
Research New York, W H Freeman & Co

Dubik, M. and Wood, B. How Dead Is a Doornail?' (1995),
Annals of Improbable Research 1:6

Senseless Census

So, Dr
Plokta and Captain Pedantic received their census form at their secret fortress
of solitude. "Is your household self-contained?" read Dr P. "This
means that all the rooms are behind a door that only your household can
use," he quoted. "Yup, that's right", replied Captain Pedantic. "When the
rest of the cabal come to stay, we hoist them in through the window. And as for
census-takers, we make them use the catflap."

"If Kev McVeigh were the last
man on Earth, I'd grow cucumbers"

Young British
Artists #2

"I'm not fossilised, I'm just drawn that way"

Fannish
Recognition Silhouettes

#1: Fanroom Supremo

(From an original idea by Del Cotter.)

Alison's
Adventures in WooWoo Land

From time to time, my ears get blocked. It used to be that you'd
just go down to the doctors, and they'd squeeze a giant syringe in your ears
andpoof!they'd be lovely and clear. But now they've stopped this
(some trivial problem with burst eardrums) and replaced it with a little
machine which squirts water in my ear not quite efficiently enough to clean the
wax out.

In desperation, I turned to "genuine Hopi Ear Candles", which
apparently cure all manner of ear problems by communing with the spirit world,
or some such. The instructions say to lie on your side, stick a candle in your
ear, light it, and watch as your friends all fall about laughing. But I
thought, "hey, it might work. I've been deaf in my right ear for a month. What
harm can it do? It might set up some sort of updraft, and the warmth might melt
the wax." So I tried it, and it felt great. Sadly, it didn't clear out my ears.

Until suddenly, three days later, while waiting in a bus queue,
I realised I could hear. [Cue eerie X-Files music.]

Alison gets in touch with her
inner fruitcake

"Grant Wood's American
Gothic is the most parodied painting of all time"

Dorian
Plokta

Dr Plokta has just had to send his passport off to be
renewedthe photo was getting too grey, bald and wrinkled.