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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Bitter coffee, bitter thoughts

Let me be clear... I LOVE coffee, but I do not like my coffee black and bitter, I like it like I like my thoughts: light and sweet!

I'm pretty sure that in my next life I will be a barista making creamy, sweet, delicious coffee creations. Spreading love one caffeinated drink at a time. Hot ones, iced ones, blended ones... mmmmm, but alas, here I sit with my hot cup of joe sweetened with splenda and flavored with Coffee Mate's Creme Brulee creamer. That's as close as I'll get for now.

Now on to bitter thoughts...

Over the past few years we (mainly I) have gone through some changes, some good, some bad, all that have made me the person I am today. I try my hardest to focus on the positive, but sometimes it is hard and the bitter thoughts creep back in.

It's very hard for me to comprehend how quickly people change from loving you and thinking you are the best thing ever, to thinking you are the anti-Christ bent on world domination no matter who you step on to get there (no one in my life currently, mind you, things are pretty great right now).

For a very long time I had my priorities pretty messed up and gave too much of myself to people who were way to quick to try to take it all away. People I trusted, people I respected, people who then called into question my character. I was crushed because those who really know me, know I mean no harm. As much as I try to move on and try to forgive those people, a part of me wants to remain angry... needs to be angry, a part of me wants to hold on and I think that's what makes it worse, that they still have some control over me. Broken hearted is the best way to describe it.

As I said, everything I have gone through has made me the person I am today, good, bad or indifferent, here I am... But know this, I'm a bit more cautious who I really let in, I'm a bit more careful what I consider a priority and I will never give that much of myself to anything that is not my family (and by family I mean friends too, you are all my family).