In the land of Gods and MonstersI was an AngelLiving in the garden of evilScrewed up, scared, doing anything that I neededShining like a fiery beacon

You got that medicine I needFame, Liquor, Love give it to me slowlyPut your hands on my waist, do it softlyMe and God, we don’t get along so now I sing

No one’s gonna take my soul awayI’m living like Jim MorrisonHeaded towards a fucked up holidayMotel sprees sprees and I’m singing‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I trulyWant’It’s innocence lostInnocence lost

In the land of Gods and MonstersI was an AngelLooking to get fucked hardLike a groupie incognito posing as a real singerLife imitates art

You got that medicine I needDope, shoot it up, straight to the heart pleaseI don’t really wanna know what’s good for meGod’s dead, I said ‘baby that’s alright with me’

No one’s gonna take my soul awayI’m living like Jim MorrisonHeaded towards a fucked up holidayMotel sprees sprees and I’m singing‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I trulyWant’It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

When you talk it’s like a movie and you’re making meCrazy –Cause life imitates artIf I get a little prettier can I be your baby?You tell me, “life isn’t that hard”

No one’s gonna take my soul awayI’m living like Jim MorrisonHeaded towards a fucked up holidayMotel sprees sprees and I’m singing‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I trulyWant’It’s innocence lostInnocence lost

-Gods & Monsters by Lana Del Rey

I was going to write a narrative to go with each piece of lyrics, but then I decided the song spoke better for itself AND for me than I could… but tried to use color instead to match the emotion for me. Did it work? Well enough for me 🙂

I’m attaching a fan vid first because it’s where I discovered this song and I love the video. HOWEVER, if you want to avoid spoilers for “Lost Girl” season 4 don’t watch this first version. Watch the second instead.

Non-spoilery song with lyrics:

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Since I haven’t posted many fanvids lately, and now I’m in a “Lost Girl” sort of mood, here’s one more for Kenzi, who is my heart as well… she don’t take shit from NO one…! (Both fanvids were made/edited by The Suffering Fool)

So yeah… emotional, heavy last week or so. Lots of experiences to think and write about. And today has kinda been a hard day. I missed my cymbalta for two days due to refill hassles you run into when traveling. Stupid stupid insurance companies and “contracted” pharmacies. But finally got my pills… feeling the effects of missing them though.

I want to write about ALL the goings on of late,but I’m just going to bite of a teeny tiny chunk. Was able to see my old friend Teri this week. Haven’t seen her in over a year and a half, but we were very close. She was my “woo woo” friend. We used to find all the alternative practitioners in town… search out the tarot readers, psychics… just we did a lot of searching and talking together. Something I’ve missed.

So we were able to meet for lunch, then had a little time to run to the bookstore. And we were there looking at all the cool new age books and tarot sets… and the more I looked, the more I realized I have been searching outside for something I am just going to have to figure out how to find inside. I keep thinking God is out there somewhere… but truth is, my God just ISN’T out there. If it’s anywhere,.. I’m going to have to find it inside. All the books, the intuitives, etc… they don’t have my answers.

Which is too bad, ’cause… I’m just …. man, the whole God thing… I have so much anger and frustration, confusion… SO MUCH…. I just don’t know if I’ll ever untangle that mess inside.

Someone asked me last week if I had been able to forgive, referring to my assault. I pretty much don’t think about him all that much, and I have empathy for what his life was growing up, so I don’t know if that’s forgiveness or not, but I don’t think it’s a bad place to be either. I’ve worked a lot on forgiving myself, so I don’t think I’m really hung up there… but how do you forgive GOD? Especially when you don’t even know what or who God is to you? I know what I want to believe… but I know what the facts of my life say. And I can’t make the two coincide. I just can’t.

But anyway, back to my epiphany… it’s not in those books… it’s not in the angels…

And this song probably only loosely ties in, but it hits the right feels and that last line… I just love it right now….(someday I’m going to write about that damn movie….)

So much has changed this last week. Internal changes. Things shifting and circling. It’s kind of been a lot of personal enlightenment, all at one. Shifting, circling, new perceptions, understandings… SO MUCH. And I really wish I could write about it right now. But it’s so overwhelming I can’t even think to put the words to it,

I will say that I watched “The Fault In Our Stars” twice this week. and it has changed my life. That sounds sort of cheesy if you’ve seen it… but it really really has. I want to write, but I’m still sorting. Hopefully things settle a bit soon and I can try and make sense of it all. I know it’s all good shifts, but it gives me anxiety anyway. Been hard to keep my brain unoccupied enough to sleep because it keeps dwelling on this stuff. But I think I’m on to something….!

So, this is a super quick post… MUCH going on in my head these last few days…. SO MUCH. Things are shifting and just stuff I was NOT expecting right now. It’s good though. But anyway, watched a great vid last night – Shirley Manson talking about getting old and fear. Totally got to give myself this pep talk more often!

So, husband had to go out of town for 2 weeks for work. Which of course means I need to arrange babysitting for myself since I can’t stay home alone like that. So I spent spent a couple days with the nieces (yay), then caught a ride to my parents house for the next couple of weeks. In just the last couple days I have seen family and friends and have actually had a number of good experiences.

I’ve had a lot of things I’ve wanted to say. As I’ve said before, I survive by trying to go unnoticed. But I’ve been opening my mouth a lot the last couple of days, including a very loud conversation with my parents, grandparents and aunt about gay rights today. I was pretty much on my own side, which I expected. I did not expect any minds to change and no one was angry, but it felt so great to speak my mind so unexpectedly and to just feel honestly me! I don’t know how anyone else felt about it later, and it kinda doesn’t matter? Mostly, I’m just so high on being me for once.

Also, my aunt thinks I’m whimsical. She meant it as an absolute compliment and I absolutely took it as one. Really, one of the nicest things I’ve heard about myself in a long long time.

New plan. Post before reading. I get so into reading what everyone else is writing and then I can’t find the words to post about my own stuff. So here’s the dealio: As I mentioned before, I’ve been sort of overwhelmed with some things. My parents were here a couple of weekends ago, which was great- they came specifically to help me clean up and organize my apartment (Trust me, I needed outside help!). But I was so sick the whole time. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to do anything, I couldn’t sleep, and dang it, throwing stuff away is HARD for me. It was work, just sitting there watching my mom go through stuff asking me if I was keeping this or getting rid of that. So I was exhausted after they left. Slept for like 24 hours after that. (But my apartment looks much better now, less depressing, so thanks mom!)

Anyway, I’ve just been getting sicker and sicker. Feeling crappy more often than not. No appetite, losing weight, not sleeping, more pain. I finally heard back from my surgeon who had taken my biopsy slides and history to a “conference” she has with other IBD specialists in the area. They all pretty much agreed that I had chronic pouchitis and it wasn’t going away. I could keep trying to treat it medicinally, but she (and they) felt like it was really only worth it if I needed that peace of mind of feeling like i had exhausted every single option. They all felt that it would probably end the same way- needing to have the pouch removed and having a permanent illeostomy.

I had already decided after the miserable weekend with my folks, I was having surgery of some sort. I am just too exhausted to keep going like this and to not be able to enjoy spending time with loved ones. We moved to this town a year ago and I literally don’t know anyone here because I rarely leave the house. No friends. No family. Just the hubster- who is wonderful and all, but ya know we need more than that. So I’d been doing the research. I spent a lot of time over at jpouch.org and I did a lot of research on k-pouches and the BCIR. These are basically similar in that they still use an internal pouch like I have with my j-pouch, but instead of wearing an ostomy bag, you plug a catheter into it to empty a few times a day. But no outside appliance to wear. So it sounds pretty good. But I can still get pouchitis with it and likely would since I’ve had it already. The pouchitis might cause symptoms like cramping, stomach pain, and fatigue but I wouldn’t have to worry about urgency and continence anymore. The other drawback is that there are only a few places that do k-pouches or BCIR. And if I have a problem then I have to fly to wherever I had the surgery done intially to get it fixed. So it could end up being costly and still not resolve some of my main issues, namely the fatigue.

So I had a lot of decision making to do there. But I’ve decided the traditional illeostomy has the best chance to make me feel better so that’s what I’m doing. (It’s possible I may be able to try a k-pouch later down the road, but that depends on different things.) So Nov 7 I am having the surgery done. When I come out of it, I’ll have a hole in my stomach with my gut sticking out and what they call a “barbie butt”. Yeah. They’re gonna totally sew up my back end. Which, I think right now, is bothering me more than anything. And it’s really hard to put words to it, but I think that when you’ve survived bodily trauma, you become extra protective of your physical identity. And now, once again, I feel like life is just laughing at me right in the face. Growing up LDS, you’re told “your body is a temple; that’s why you don’t get tattoos and piercings, etc” But I feel like “God/life/chance/universe/whatever” has done more damage to my body than anything I have ever chosen to do. At least when I get a tattoo or pierce my nose, or color my hair blue and green, it’s my choice and it comes from a place of honoring my body and the person who lives in it.

*sigh* I’m delving into a new topic there… anyway, bottom line. Big life changes goin’ on, and I HATE CHANGE. Do NOT WANT. But such is life… mine anyway.

=-=-= For the record, I do know that some people out there have it far worse or have had similar experiences. It’s not the end of the world for me. It’s just tough going through and I need to talk about it somewhere!

I’m going to add this video. The song has been in my head all day… it makes me grieve for lost innocence and lost dreams… and… just makes me feel so many things.

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying', and if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did'." ~ Jack Handey