Alexandria, 16, Florida, USA

When I have an obsession, I have to count my fingers to make sure they’re all there so I don’t act on it

I count my fingers because it makes me think I am in control, not my obsessions. And to distract myself I think of facts that are related to thoughts and images.

Having Pure-O OCD is an ongoing struggle, especially in high school. I always felt like I was the odd one out, worse than if I were just a regular teen. I have slowly come to accept my illness because it’s who I am. Quite frankly, if I don’t accept that, then I will always have this inner battle with myself.

The only people in my life that know about my illness is my family. I always feel like I can’t have any friends because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m content with that. Sometimes I forget that I’m not the only one suffering. My parents and brother are too. They have to deal with this – me – and I will be eternally grateful for that.

My problem is I obsess about my obsessions. If I don’t act on an obsession, I will obsess about what would have happened if I did or about why I didn’t, sometimes even wishing I did commit the act and so on.

I was diagnosed (offically) 2 years ago. Before we found out what it was, my family always made fun of me about it. I did too. About how I couldn’t buy a package of multi-colored pens because there were 4 black pens and only 3 red pens or that I had to keep going back and forth to make sure that my books were in correct order by author, not title. That was until I did research on why I was having all these thoughts and images enter and re-enter. And I told my parents about it and they said we could go to a therapist and check it out. Took a while but we finally found out what I have.

This is my next step to accepting my OCD. Putting it on The Secret Illness.