LUPUS IS LIVING WITH ME & I'M LIVING LIFE!!
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Partake in the unveiling of my deepest, darkest and intimate realities.
Experience my struggles with life and my battle against lupus.
Explore with me in my quest to discover happiness in my own utopia.

My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

My Thanksgivings

I'm feeling pretty good. Still watching what I'm eating. I had cereal this morning, my favorite Kashi Go Lean Shredded Wheat with the Almond Breeze milk. Can't wait for breakfast tomorrow. Today my mate and I got up to walk with her friend, this was at 5 am. Instead of the walk we ended up going to Path mark, I didn't use the scooter in the store as I always do. My back was in pain, but I sucked it up and handled it. Breathing was fine though. When we got home that's when I had my cereal, and we went back to bed. I took a nap, I've been napping all week. I juiced some spinach, carrots and apples. Later my mate made me a lamb chop and warmed some cooked spinach. Now I'm eating some lightly salted chips. Later I will have some frozen grapes and maybe a pear or tangerine. I'm losing, can't really see it on the scale but I feel it. My panties are loose and my tee shirts are hanging different. My face looks thinner, but I discovered that when I Nair the hair off my face it looks chubbier. Another side affect of the steroids is your hair grows all over your face.

This is the first year in many years that I'm not cooking. My oldest daughter is cooking, and she told me to come tomorrow and by the time I get there she should almost be done. I told Access-A-Ride that I needed to be there by 11 am. I don't know if I'll be back Friday night or Saturday morning.

The last Thanksgiving before my mother died was at my sisters house in Jersey. All of us got together, My brothers' family and mine. We had a great time, my sister and her husband did most of the cooking. We tried to rent a video camera but they were all rented, but we did take pictures and all my mothers grandchildren took a picture with my moms.

My first Thanksgiving without her was with Mr. 23 years, his cousin, mother and his cousins' girlfriend who became a good friends of mine, even after she broke up with the cousin, of course my children and the cousin girlfriend's children. I did all the cooking, I cooked the traditional meal that my family cooked. Turkey, roast beef, (my family would cook ham, but we didn't eat pork so hense the roast). Mac and cheese of course, candy yams, sweet potato yams, stuffing, corn pudding, coleslaw, whole cranberries mixed with pineapples, mash potatoes, string beans, corn, (my family made turnips, mushrooms, and pearl onion but I don't care for them.) I made sweet potato pies and an apple pie. I made a cake but back then I didn't put enough butter in the mix and they would come out hard, so they use to call them brick cakes. Once I put chocolate frosting and my oldest daughter said, "mommy made a brick and put mud on top." I stayed up all night cooking, drinking and sniffing my cocaine. After our dinner we all partied, bellies full and plenty of liquor. The kids entertained. They went upstairs and smoked their weed. It was good times, but sad that the era was changing for me both my mom and grandmother were gone. The cousin's girlfriend, I'm going to call her C, we became family. We bonded because we were both orphans. Our children started calling each other cousins. We would spend our holidays together, we both were estranged from our families, I guess because we were party girls. It was C's brother that picked me up the other day in Access-A-Ride. We would hang out with him but after we got high, C and her brother would always get into a fights.

We did develop some nice memories over the years. Most of the teenagers that grew up with my kids remember the house fondly. During the holiday season they would all be in and out and enjoying my cooking cause bsides the brick cake, I could throw down. A lot of them couldn't believe that Mr. 23 and I were no longer together.

When I worked for the home care that got closed down, I use to get a paid holiday for the day after thanksgiving and I would spend the weekend recuperating from the cooking and parting. I thought it was natural despite that everyone else was up and about. I knew I would be tire so I always took the next day off from all my jobs I had after the homecare agency.

Last year, I went to my daughters for the week before Thanksgiving to I cleaned her house, shopped for the food and cooked and prepared the dinner all week. I out did myself and couldn't hold my eyes open after. My mate came over, after she told me she wasn't. My son was there the first Thanksgiving he had with us in like ten years maybe more. (he won't be there this year, he's in rehab and I know he's disappointed.) I was surprised when Mr. 23 year popped in. Boy was I nervous. I had my oldest daughters' father there, Mr. 23 years and my current lover. Everyone was cool, my mate even kissed Mr. 23 year when she left. But of course the green eye monster was there when I got home. This year I believe it will be quiet. I don't know if our dinner will be traditional or just a meal that we will share as a family. I will share when I return home.

This holiday I am thankful for the great doctors that have me patched up and made me healthy enough to spend the day with my children. I'm thankful for this life and for each day I wake to greet the world a new.
I wish all my readers and followers of this blog, A Happy, Healthy and Safe Thanksgiving. And God Bless you all.

My 2Cents Not Worth A Penny

me

About Me

We live in a world full of certifiable, psychotic and derange crazies who are all on the verge of madness. Everyone is insane except me. I am sharing my rational, balanced and lucid knowledge in an attempt to save the world of total confinement in insanity.
But this is just my 2Cents and it's not worth a penny.

An Orphan’s Hope

Defecting from today’s sadness,
with hope of realizing tomorrow’s happiness.

Polluted dreams,
diluted realities.

Childhood fantasies,
adult terror.

Confined in a vacuum of isolation,
choking on ignored emotions.

An orphan quietly dying,
from an trivial life.

10/5/08

Highway to Success

Highway to Success

On my journey of life,
I took the path to the left,
off the express highway of success.
I trotted along melting tar,
through dusty dirty roads.
Over stony trails.

There were ditches in the darkness,
in some places.
A few times I fell flat on my face,
I’d get up,
wipe the blood from my nose and keep on going.
Blinded by the sun setting in the west,
As I traveled toward the fangs,
leading to the belly of the beast.
I’d trip on stones,
fall on my ass,
rise to my feet,
rub the tenderness and keep marching ahead.

There were signs posted pointing to detours,
I easily ignored.
There were alleys I could sneak down,
but on my course I stayed.
A map was folded in my pocket,
I never checked my directions.

It was an exciting journey of life.
Climbing up hills, rolling down.
Climbing back up and rolling back down.
Seems this last time,
I’ve been going down quite a while now.

Don’t see no detours,
no more alleys to sneak down.
My map was lost a ways back.
Long ago I was on the express highway of success.
I tried hitchhiking on the big rigs of lotto,
The numbers on the license plates just passed me by.

I’ll never get back onto the express highway of success.
I have to follow this path,
forward I go,
straight ahead.
On this bumpy path I choose.

Back when I began this journey of life.
While traveling on that express highway of success,
I woulda’, coulda’, shoulda’
took a right instead of a left.

I didn’t ask for directions.
I didn’t listen when directions were offered.
I ignored the detours.
I passed the alleys.
I lost my map.

I knew where I was going.

Somewhere on this path I lost my dreams,
and found a brick wall.
Now I know, I took a dead end road to failure.

I’m looking for my map.
Hoping to see one of those alleys.
Searching for those detour signs.
And asking for directions
back to the express highway of success.

I didn’t know how to refuse.
I cheated addiction,
I cheated HIV,
I cheated homelessness.

But I couldn’t cheat fate.

Gods’ vengeance prevails
just sucked the air right from my lungs,
presented me with the gift of emphysema,
maybe,
maybe if I partied in moderation,
No, No!!
that’s just stinking thinking.

I batted my bedroom eyes,
and flirted with the devil,
I wasn’t too shy to dance,

I must pay the price,
I crave oxygen,
And sleep, oh blessed sleep.

I partied hard,
I had fun,
now it’s time to pay,
an autoimmune disease is fighting me,

and Lucifer is still tempting me.

While God watches my
freedom of choice.
9/27/08

Glass Lady (what life was living with a crack head)

I can no longer compete,
with your lady in the glass.
She's your greatest love,
she means more to you,
then me or your children.

She's your princess,
your shining star.

You'll stay up all night for her.
You'll spend every penny on her.
I'm jealous, I can't compete.
I can't send blood rushing,
through your veins,
nor can I keep your heart pumping
at such a terrific pace.

No,
I can't keep your attention,
as long as you can hold her sweetness in your lungs.

I am only a woman,
a sad, lonely woman,
with no joy,
no happiness in me.

I can offer you my tears of hurt.
To me you lie, to her you give everything.

Me you abuse,
her you worship.

Your family you allow to struggle,
to her pimp you give more than enough.

You tell me not to worry,
everything's gonna be taken care of.

This I believe,
because in time I'll be able to take care of me,
then your mistress can give you

one

final

HEART ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!

Fate Be Told By: K. Wilhelmina Floria 6/9/09

Weeping sorrows,
full of illusions and dissatisfaction.
Stimulating anxiety,
a designer disorder,
yearning sedation,
requiring rehab.
Seeking amends
for a life
unfixable.
Really too tired to care.
Hiding,
deep in the shadows.
Invisibly trying to be seen.
Now.
Was it fate
that gave me this day?
Or,
was it the life I lived
that became my fate?
Once I tried to steal joy,
sure that happiness would follow.
So said,
that time is gone.
Today,
fires of hell are trying to engulf me.
Blinding my eyes
With oozing tears of strength.
Eliminating the dark flames of hell,
to a path where heaven shines,
and warm my cold heart.