You probably read that headline and thought to yourself, “Alec Baldwin must be stopped!”

If that legendary video from last December of a Not The One Pussy busting some Mortal Kombat shit on the asshole who kicked him taught us anything, it’s that you should never kick a cat unless you want to end up on the local news after it makes you its bitch. Teresa Barker and her boyfriend Lee Palmer of Portland, Oregon learned this the hard way on Sunday night when their crazed cat Lux held them hostage in their bedroom after Lee kicked that pussy (that’s called pulling a Michael Lohan) for attacking their 7-month-old baby Jesse.

Lee Palmer later told the police and WBTV that he watched Lux come at and scratch Baby Jesse, but he didn’t say why Lux attacked his baby. Is Baby Jesse a genius who can read the minds of cats and knew Lux was planning to overthrow the household? Did Baby Lux have that hussy’s number? Was Lux pissed that he was no longer the star of the house? We’ll never know until Baby Jesse learns how to talk and tells us what really happened in a follow-up to this highly important story in 3 years. We better get a follow up to this highly important story in 3 years.

After Lee watched Lux scratch his baby, he “kicked the cat in the rear.” SHOTS FIRED! That was the beginning of the end for the Palmer-Barker family. Getting kicked in the ass sent Lux over the edge and rage filled that 22lb pussy (“Why do I feel like I’ve written that down in a patient’s file before?” – Lil’ Kim’s gynecologist). Lux was out for human blood, so Lee Palmer, Teresa Barker (based on her last name, she’s obviously a natural born dog lover), Baby Jesse and their little dog barricaded themselves in the bedroom as that mad pussy tried to get in. They called 911 and the call is why I laughed myself awake this morning when I heard it.

The fluent felinese speakers out there can correct me if I’m wrong, but “RAAAAAARRRRRRRR!” translates to “I’m the captain now!” in English, right?

The cops arrived and when they tried to catch Lux, who has a “history of violence,” with a dog snare, that pussy tried to flee custody. They eventually got him and put him behind bars in the family’s home. The family doesn’t know whether or not they’re going to keep Lux.

Oh, they’ll never have to make that decision. It’s only a matter of time before Lux escapes out of his crate, puts on a beret and joins the other cat comrades in the Pussy Takeover Movement. Captain Lux and the other cats who are sick of us humans controlling everything will one day strike and make us all their slaves. We should prepare by buying all of the laser pointers at Staples. It’s going to be a vicious, vicious battle. It’s going to be a little adorable too, but mostly vicious.

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