Oh, don’t worry – it won’t be anytime soon, at least as far as I know. But someday, for sure. We’re all going to die. It’s one of those inconvenient truths that most of us don’t want to face.

A wise person prepares for this eventuality. Some concentrate on getting straight with God. Others spend quality time with their loved ones. Still others pick out their caskets and plan their funerals.

These are all worthy pursuits, but don’t neglect the most important thing, writing your obituary.

Your obituary is the most important essay of your life. This summation of you is probably the only time your life story will be printed in the newspaper for the world to see. (This assumes you never get a Nobel Prize or shoot off a machine gun from the bell tower of your alma mater.)

Such a vital task shouldn’t be left to chance. When the sad day arrives, family members will be too grief-stricken to do a good job. Even worse, this little chore might be left to an impersonal funeral director who didn’t even know you. They’re sure to leave out all sorts of important things.

That is why I suggest you write your own obituary. I have. Here’s my latest draft:

She was born in Michigan not too long ago, the true joy and absolute delight of her parents. They also had some other kids.

Peg grew daily in beauty, wisdom and accomplishment through childhood. In high school she was prom queen, homecoming queen, star of all the musicals, salutatorian, valedictorian, was voted Most Likely To Succeed and Most Popular while still being really nice to everybody, even the nerds.

Her hometown waved a fond yet regretful farewell when she left for Michigan State University. During her Spartan career she was Campus Sweetheart all four years, not that she cared about such things. Peg was a real Renaissance woman, garnering awards in the arts, sciences, and all other areas of study. She had a keen thirst for knowledge the likes of which her professors had never seen before. She graduated with a BA in business administration.

Though courted and feted on all sides, Peg gave her heart and hand to Bill in a ceremony that many likened to the Charles/Lady Di wedding, but with longer lasting results. They were blessed with two daughters, Liz and Gwen, who were the most wonderful children to ever come down the birth canal.

In addition to her full-time duties as loving wife, mother and insurance agent, Peg found time to indulge in a few hobbies. A greatly abbreviated list of her accomplishments (really, REALLY, greatly abbreviated, a lot) includes:

Sailed around the world on a 20-foot ship that she made in her craft room, living solely on food she caught herself or got from friendly natives in trade for handmade, recycled woolen handbags

Cured cancer (with a little help from a science nerd she was nice to in high school)

Her blog, Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings, was a permanent fixture on the WordPress front page, inspiring them to rename the honor previously known as “Freshly Pressed” to “Pegly Pressed.”

Her first novel shot to the top of the New York Times Best-Seller List and remained there for 4 years, as did each of her 78 subsequent works. The resultant comparisons with previous literary giants had many pundits saying, “Shakespeare…who?”

That same first novel was chosen Oprah’s Book Club’s Top Pick Of All Time, which led to her deep and lasting friendship with Oprah, who will deliver her eulogy.

Ran with the bulls at Pamplona. She started out behind the bulls, but quickly passed them.

Those who knew Peg said she didn’t look a day over 45 35, with her smooth, wrinkle/stray hair/liver spot-free face and still va-va-voom, hot body, which was totally all natural and had nothing to do with cosmetic surgery, no matter what some spiteful, old cats might say.

Space limitations prevent us from listing the whole roster of grieving family members and friends who survive her.

Rest in peace, Peg-o-Leg, gone much too soon at the age of ______.

A recent photo of the dearly departed.

You’ll want to have a really good head shot ready to go along with the obituary. Maybe go to one of those glamour photo places, but don’t get anything too slutty. Remember this is for posterity. Make sure your hairdo and glasses aren’t too trendy, or the photo may look dated in just a few years. If you pop off at 90 and your picture shows a 17-year-old with a beehive hairdo and cat’s-eye glasses, people might suspect it wasn’t taken recently.

Don’t be tempted to substitute a celebrity photo for one of you. No matter how much you thought you looked like Elizabeth Taylor when you were alive, people probably won’t believe that a picture of her as Maggie in Cat On A Hot Tin Roof is you.

One more thing…I sense a little skepticism about the accomplishments listed in my obituary. While it may be true that I haven’t actually done one or two of the items on that list yet, keep in mind that this won’t be published for many, MANY years to come.

I’m sure I’ll get around to doing all of that stuff before I kick the bucket.

Omigosh! Write mine! Write mine! I’m feeling particularly stressed, and it would be a comfort to know that matters are in capable hands. Please mention that, at one time, my boobs were incredibly perky.

Of course, mention it in the obituary though, I may get repeat business.

Moving would actually be near the end of the year, it all depends on getting the visa, but my partner will get one through work so I should be able to tag onto it. But yeah, nothing immediate, I just like to plan things well in advance…much like writing your own obituary!

I know! It’s so easy to forget where we are in this wacky wordpress world. (I’m sure Peg doesn’t mind…we need to just make sure to pick up all our beer bottles and replace her valentine candy stash before we leave…)

Do you mind if I ‘borrow’ a few of your accomplishments?
To feel a bit better about my previous go-around (after they’ve developed the technology to thaw me out from my cryogenic stasis)?! No seriously… I know a guy… he’s gonna’ put me right next to the frozen peas.

Very proud to have known…I mean to know you, Pegs…I mean Liz…I mean…What the heck do I mean? Death is a very confusing time, especially for those who are still alive (even the person who supposedly died). Sigh. RIP even if it’s only a nap.

Did I ever tell you about that time I was in deepest, darkest Africa, and a charging rhino threatened a group of schoolchildren (who were orphans) that I was volunteer teaching… how to do The Macarena? Thinking quickly, I fashioned a bazooka from a rubber band and some, well, Bazooka bubble gum, and….

Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard I almost cried!! And at work, no less!! This may be your best work yet (and you can include my high praise in your obituary). Thanks for making my Valentine’s Day oh-so-lovely!! 🙂 The Libster

I’d be honored to have such an accomplished person write my obituary. In fact, I’d hire you to write mine for me. It doesn’t matter that we’ve never met and that you know nothing about me. I completely trust you will write a stellar and accurate recounting of my life and accomplishments. Also, I’m fairly certain that if you haven’t already written 78 best selling novels, it will happen very soon.

“They also had some other kids.” HA!!!! I almost spewed on the monitor at that one.
Lovely post, great list of accomplishments – those already achieved, and those to come.
If I ever write another post, I, too, would LOVE to be Peggly-Pressed. 🙂

I THOUGHT you’d pick up on that line. Get to the writing, sis! Come on – it will be cathartic, as long as you don’t say anything TOO specifically vile about the school district or any particular pupil. 😉

Ha again! I’ve been cooking on a few themes. Now to execute!!! (the writing, of course, not the little hellions (sp?) making my life such a charm. The kitchen ‘face-lift’ is another gem I’ve got to upload photos and the like. Soon, I promise!
Meanwhile, you continue to amuse and amaze me with your prose. 🙂

It always kind of cracks me up wqhen I see a beautiful 17 year old in the obit photo and then read that the person who passed was 92. Yes, I look at the obits – I have my reasons….now i’ll look a little closer.

Oh my. Oh MY. Peg, you’ve outdone yourself here. This post was masterful! I am sitting here, giggling like crazy. I had to read it twice. It was so good I even banged out this comment with my arthritic hands on my iPad with the tiny keyboard.. See? this is how much I love this post. This should be FP.

But I only have one question: we’re all gonna die? since when? Why was I not informed of this?

And I love YOU so much I’m banging this out on my tiny Thinkpad keyboard where I have to have my hands basically squished together at a 90 degree angle at the wrists. I know these little things are cooool, but give me the old, full -size, comfy dinosaur ANY day.
Do you like the banner? I wasn’t sure, but I happened to be casually strolling through the recommended humor blogs page, no biggie, and saw my blog and said “Oh, I forgot I was here…on the WordPress Recommended Humor Blog Page! What a surprise! But since I am here, let me see how the old blog looks. Hmmmm, very serene, cerebral, lovely header picture…doesn’t exactly scream funny, though. Doesn’t even whisper it.” So I changed it.
Hope your arthritic claws and sore back are getting better, Darliggle Giggle.

The best obit I have ever read! I shall try to match it…. especially the part about “her smooth, wrinkle/stray hair/liver spot-free face and still va-va-voom, hot body, which was totally all natural and had nothing to do with cosmetic surgery, no matter what some spiteful, old cats might say.” I may plagiarize that.

Well honestly, I would expect you would be on the front page; above the fold. You will have more than enough room. Carry on. I will need a copy of the best seller for my library, so I can say I knew you when…I can be a mourner at the funeral, one of those that throw themselves on the casket and wail. Then give interviews.

The header is hilarious, as is your obituary. Oh, I do hope I am invited. We will have so much fun. (While being sad, of course.) I snorted when I read, “…the true joy and absolute delight of her parents. They also had some other kids.” Being in large family, I get it. For the record, my Mom and Dad like me the best.