A blonde is racing her Mustang down the pike when she's stopped by a blonde police officer who asks to see her license.The racing blonde says" It's right there on the back of the car."The blonde officer explains that the license is most likely in her hand bag and about the size of her compact.The blonde in the car digs around and hands the officer the compact.The officer opens it up, looks at the mirror, and says " Oh! If I knew you were an officer I wouldn't have pulled you over!"

Logged

Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess.""Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright." "No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes.

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women ingeneral…pathetically all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

This thread has been quiet too long:Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. "How did it happen, Tim?""It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of The Stout and drowned.""Oh my dear Jaysus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?""Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesys(gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees,the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers,my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who wassurprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarkedspecimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall."Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.""Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians --Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -- Aesop

FIVE BEST SENTENCES

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

"Arlo & Janis" is my mostest favoritist cartoon - I found one, from waaaay back in 1994, that certainly applies to many of us here!

I tried to get Jimmy Johnson's permission to post it here, but never heard from him. I'm going to do it anyway, knowing that it was originally printed in a public newspaper and I got it from a public archive.

The setup to this one is: family goes to beach; Son meets up with last year's crush, who has "matured" and now has an older boyfriend; Dad tries to cheer up son by renting jetskis...

A woman visits the cosmetic surgeon to talk about a breast enlargement. After going through all the details, she is advised of the cost of the procedure."oh dear, that's more expensive than I imagined. I don't think I can afford that"She says.The doctor replies "well you could try another method. Try wiping them each day with toilet paper"She asked in surprise "how does that work""No-one knows," replied the doctor, "but it worked on your arse".