Sex With Dolphins

An excerpt from one of my books, The Art of Intercourse with Intelligent Beings.

From the Introduction

I wish Schopenhauer had written something on zoophilia in his Metaphysics of Sexual Love –it would make my job much easier. Unfortunately, the most socially unacceptable thing he mentioned was homosexuality, which is not a big deal nowadays. So I will have to defend my ideas and my way of living without the help of this great philosopher. It is not a big loss, though. Because defense is going to be a small part of my book.

Before I start, I should warn the naïve reader who didn’t get any dirty ideas after reading Beauty and the Beast. This is not a scientific study on anthrozoolgy. You will learn how to have sexual intercourse with one or more female (and even male) dolphins and it is going to be quite detailed in chapters like Underwater Shibari Techniques. Romanticism with its conventional meaning has nothing to do with the subject. But this doesn’t mean that the reader has to be a zoophilic in order to enjoy the book. On the contrary, I created this guide for open minded human-fuckers, who are totally unaware of the magnificent animal kingdom. My aim is to make them imagine so-called obscenities they never could have imagined. I want them to have outrageous and barely controllable dreams just by watching an aquarium. Because, as even a French existentialist knows, sometimes just imagining things makes us free.

Now let’s begin with our first fact, or axiom if you wish: Sea creatures are sexy. Either admit it, learn to appreciate it, or simply swallow it! Imagine the touch of a jellyfish (masochists’ favorite), aphrodisiac oysters which is perfect for vore fetishists, strong and tight octopi, smart sea lions, obedient sponges, sensitive whales who reject Camus and commit suicide because of the ontological problem. Realize that there are not many things in this world as attractive as the eyes of a viperfish… But it is impossible to have sex with most of these animals as they, in my nomenclature, either have too small theta zones or too large kappa zones –see the corresponding chapters. So, they can only be fetish objects. I will explore their potential in a large appendix. Dolphin anatomy, on the other hand, is perfect! Moreover dolphins are easy, almost slutty.

If you are still disgusted by the idea, let me tell you this: There is nothing called wisdom of repugnance. So don’t be a little kid who refuses to eat broccoli and try to educate yourself with mental exercises. For instance, take a genre of pornography, not something surreal like industrial anal, and think of it in terms of dolphins. So, if you choose the genre celebrity, try to visualize an up-skirt shot of Flipper. For Asian porn, imagine a Chinese river dolphin. If you are into pegging,design a strap-on dildo for dolphins. Remind yourself that gonzo is not too different from a Jack Cousteau documentary and orcas are perfect for BBW.