Tag Archives: fail

Jason Mattera is the official Bad Boy Reporter of Washington, D.C. — always wearing his rebellious leather jacket, pickin’ up chicks with his Harley, showin’ ‘tude to the Man, the Liberals. The guy will do anything! He’s a wildcat, and he don’t care. Just check how he stuck it to Bono in this video shot last month, calling out that Irish fuck on his taxes — what kind of Irish fuck cheats his taxes but also tries to “save Africa”? WHAT IS THAT? Stupid hypocrite Bono! Expose him! Sean Hannity aired the audio on his radio show yesterday, while The Blaze and Breitbart.com each posted the ambush video. But wait a minute… why is the Breitbart.com story page down? Why are the YouTubes now private? Was there some sort of… problem… The Blaze? “There is widespread discussion on Twitter that the person Mattera interviewed in the videos may have been a Bono impersonator.” Oops! Read more on Conservative ‘Bad Boy’ Ambush Reporter Sticks It To Bono (Impersonator)…

Uhh, wasn’t this supposed to be wrapped up by now? No. Not when all your candidates are so terrible. Rick Santorum is back in the race, in other words. He won Missouri! That’s … let’s see, 55% for Santorum, which is DOUBLE Mitt Romney’s second place finish. Meanwhile, in the “near the Mormons” state of Colorado, Mittens is making an impressive showing of … third. Newt Gingrich should have this nomination wrapped up pretty soon now, whenever “Texas” happens, right? Mitt Romney is the world’s lamest front runner since, we guess, Walter Mondale? And now Santorum has officially won Minnesota, too. Will it be a THREEPEAT, or whatever? UPDATE: Oh boy, it’s a threepeat. After his triple-penetration three-way, Santorum said “that conservatives are beginning to get it that we present the best opportunity to beat President Obama.” We sure hope so! Read more on Santorumemtum! Weird Rick Wins Missouri, Minnesota & Colorado!…

The dull evidence of a typical hack political campaign is the “embargoed” speech or statement sent out many hours before the event it is supposed to address. And now we’ve got this email from a big P.R. firm claiming that the Occupy Wall Street response to Obama’s State of the Union speech is contained within this mass-mailed marketing material. That whole “mic check” thing was getting a bit stale even before it was written into a press release and sent to the nation’s political media with the dumb demand that it be kept from the common people’s eyes until after Barack Obama read his prepared comments. Read more on Occupy Wall Street’s Scripted SOTU Response ‘Embargoed’ By PR Company…

America’s greatest president was George H.W. Bush (the old one), because he bombed a lot of Mexicans somewhere, Panama maybe? Oh and one time he had a war in Iraq, but that was lame because it only lasted a few days and didn’t kill a million people and there was no Abu Ghraib torture pornography. Also, he said “read my lips,” which is gross, and then he raised taxes a little teeny tiny bit on the billionaires even though mostly they had their taxes cut. So, in many ways, George H.W. Bush was a dismal failure, just like the new U.S. Navy Aircraft Carrier George H.W. Bush, which has no working toilets for like 5,000 dudes and some ladies too, who are holding it in so long they’re having “health problems.” Read more on Toilets Fail On Fancy New George H.W. Bush Aircraft Carrier…

Now that the puddle of human goo that used to be Rick Perry has finally been covered over with cedar shavings and left to dry overnight, perhaps we should refocus on polishing the rest of the turds who for some reason are still interested in getting Iowans to hate them slightly less than the other ghouls scrumming to become GOP CEO. (Because the rusty Democrat machine hates bizness, only the GOP gets to have a CEO. Enjoy those General Assemblies, hippies!) Erick Erickson, current jefe of #1 internet stratagem database/thinktank RedState, has some ideas for one particularly handsy GOP candidate which he shared in a open letter like some kind of peeved-off Democrat senator from a Nor’easter state. Read more on Erick Erickson Asks Herman Cain If He Tried Turning It On and Off…

It’s Yom Kippur, everybody! Happy solemn Day of Atonement! And in the “anti-day of atonement,” it’s also the 10th Anniversary of the Endless Fucked-up Failed Loser War In Afghanistan Against Who-the-Fuck-Even-Knows. Hooray for that?! Of course, the utterly random Afghanistan Occupation has been a huge success for the military contractors from Blackwater to Pepsi, and a massive WIN for the death-machine & drone industry. And we guess it has given otherwise unemployable youth something to do with their time, and also it’s been good for the global slavery business and opium trade. So, uh, bright side? Read more on Happy Entire Decade of Failed U.S. War In Afghanistan…

A shocking new Gallup poll proves that 81% of Americans — an all-time record — are against the American Government, while 82% are against Congress specifically. And 49% of Americans believe the U.S. Government is “an immediate threat to the rights and freedoms of ordinary citizens.” But to read POLITICO, you’d think we’re just in a polarized campaign environment or whatever, and that everything will “work out in the end.” Haha, it will, but not in a way that POLITICO staffers or other Washington factotums can appreciate. Also, you need to include “Wall Street/The Fed” and “The Pentagon/Military Contractors” in the U.S. Government, as those are both the primary interests and the primary beneficiaries of the U.S. Government. When’s the next straw poll or whatever? Read more on Record 81% of Americans Hate America…

According to somebody who telephoned CNN, Barack Obama’s jobs plan will involve somehow spending $300 billion because of tax cuts, and then people will have jobs again. No really this is what the article says. That’s $961.04 for every man, woman, transgender and child in America! Happy days are here again! Nine-hundred-and-sixty-one dollars! Enough for rent this month, plus some rice-a-roni! Read more on Obama Preparing ‘Jobs Plan’ To Give $961.04 To Each American…

The difference between the environmental policies of Barack Obama and George W. Bush? You expected it to be bad with Bush Jr. Today, the White House is surrounded with people protesting the Keystone XL Tar Sands Pipeline. Here’s how Rep. Henry Waxman described it: “This pipeline is a multi-billion dollar investment to expand our reliance on the dirtiest source of transportation fuel currently available.” He was one of 50 in Congress to officially protest to Hillary Clinton, who as secretary of state has jurisdiction over this dirty nightmare being extended from Canada’s filthy earth-raping tar sands extraction pits to the American Midwest. Says the Politico just now: “The Obama administration is working overtime to fight the perception that it’s dissing green groups and rubber-stamping a controversial 1,700-mile oil pipeline.” Well that sounds about right for Obama, working at the last minute on the perception of something rather than its reality. Read more on Republican Barack Obama Says Filthy Tar Sands Pipeline Is Great…

Guess who wins politically, in this pathetic “debt showdown” thing in Washington? Nobody in Washington, that’s for sure! More than three-quarters of Americans polled about the budget battles and threatened government shutdown used “negative words” including disgusting, ridiculous, stupid, childish, joke and sucks to describe the idiocy. A lot of people also said something the Washington Post spells as “bull____,” and we can’t figure out what it means. Bullwinkle? Probably. Meanwhile, let’s all congratulate Ronald Reagan Junior Barack Obama for further pissing off a percentage of people equal to those pissed off by the Tea Party Fanatics during this long national nightmare. Read more on Americans Describe Debt Battle As ‘Stupid,’ ‘Ridiculous’ and ‘Disgusting’…

How’s the “best health care system in the world” doing, these days? Uhh ….
Large swaths of the United States are showing decreasing or stagnating life expectancy even as the nation’s overall longevity trend has continued upwards, according to a county-by-county study of life expectancy over two decades.
Read more on Already Way Down In 37th Place, American Life Expectancy Is Much Worse In the South, Texas, Etc….

What are America’s allies up to, these days? Oh, just jailing the CIA people who targeted Osama bin Laden in his fancy Pakistan suburban castle. China reads the White House gmail, British prime minister David Cameron mocks our wonderful health care system that’s available only to people with lots of money, and now Pakistan is just cold arresting people for squealing on Bin Laden. It’s almost like the whole world is laughing at America, nonstop. Read more on Pakistan Super PO’d About America Killing Pakistan’s Favorite Guy, Osama…

One day you’re bringing home six figures from CNN, the next day you’re unemployed and apologizing to the fucking Jews and trying to figure out how to get paid from Twitter. That is the complete Wikipedia entry for Rick Sanchez, the dumbest anchorman since Ron Burgundy. And now, for reasons we cannot even begin to fathom, Rick has hired a New York publicity firm to send emails to our former morning editor (a Jew) about Sanchez posting something banal on Huffington Post about something Rick saw in a Jewish publication. Read more on Rick Sanchez Hires Publicist To Promote Rick Sanchez Post On HuffPo…

Whenever that James O’Keefe guy puts out another heavily edited video against some liberal bogeyman, both the White House and the Washington/New York media quickly fire everyone involved — because the only rational way to deal with claims made by partisan pranksters is to simply punish anyone targeted. That’s why Shirley Sherrod was immediately fired by the White House while the Lame Stream Media nodded approvingly and only Wonkette bothered to look at the allegedly damning video closely enough to see that Breitbart’s crew had carefully edited it to make Sherrod sound like a raving racist. Likewise, the firing of NPR executive Ron Schiller and his CEO boss was cheered by the liberal media and got solemn nods from Democrats in Washington. Only Glenn Beck’s reporters at his website, The Blaze, bothered to watch the unedited footage and note that the various bombshells in the video were taken out of context (the opinions of others made to look like the opinions of Schiller, for example) and that Schiller’s pro-Republican statements were (obviously) all cut out of the video released by O’Keefe. Read more on Glenn Beck’s Website Reveals NPR Lunch Video Was Edited To Ruin NPR…

Hey, leftists and liberals and Democrats, remember a couple of years ago how super-excited you were about Barack Obama, the Chicago community organizer? Nobody really expected unicorns and a fair tax burden for the richest of the rich, but we were enthusiastic, right? Barack Obama has remained completely invisible during the intense labor battles raging in Wisconsin and Indiana and Ohio and even Tennessee. We sort of remember being at the Democratic convention and lots of Democratic presidential debates over the long 2007-2008 campaign, and it sure seems like labor played a decisive role in Obama getting the nomination and then winning the presidency. But now, even the head of the AFL-CIO is relegated to a backroom handshake with Joe Biden, because multi-millionaire golfer “centrist” Barack Obama doesn’t want to dirty his hands with the actual lives of the 90% of the country not living large. Rich people protect rich people, it’s that simple. Read more on Workers Nationwide Fighting For Labor Rights; Barack Obama Invisible…

Ha ha, this is our attempt at a “business news” headline. (We were never very useful at the business desk.) But there does seem to be some investor concern, what with everything in free fall around the world and especially in the oil-y parts. Meanwhile, in sad-sack America, big companies from Amazon to something that starts with “Z” (Ford? Microsoft?) are revealing the desperate measures they must take, constantly, to stay afloat in this pathetic un-recovery. But at least things are good over in Asia, where America’s owners live, right? Ha, no, “broad based sell offs” started last night. Uhh. Read more on Collapse of World’s Governments Fuels Investor Concern…

And how did the White House managers react to Shirley Sherrod being fired from the USDA because Andrew Breitbart fucked around with a video he found somewhere? High Fives all around, according to Politico’s Ben Smith. During Tuesday morning’s staff meeting, White House deputy chief of staff Jim Messina reportedly said, “We could have waited all day — we could have had a media circus — but we took decisive action and it’s a good example of how to respond in this atmosphere.” Uh, yeah dude. [Ben Smith]
Read more on White House Really Happy It Avoided a ‘Media Circus’ With Shirley Sherrod’s Firing…

The Pentagon Men are having some kind of teleconference via MSNBC to tell America’s Enemies (TM) that, look, just because we’ve been flailing around in Afghanistan for a decade with no real mission or logic, and just because our U.S. military commander there was an insane insubordinate redneck who ran his own warlord fiefdom based on violent assholes and Bud Lime, and just because we’re sending a new guy who most recently keeled over because John McCain looked at him weird, well NONE of that means this “confusion and chaos” should be mistaken for weakness or failure. So don’t go misconstrue this, America’s Enemies in your own Opium/Allah empire-crushing Central Asian Mad Max-land. Be mindful of the intricacies! Read more on Robert Gates: Our Confusion & Chaos Should Not Lead Anyone To Believe We Are Doomed…

The Republicans were so proud of their shitty new website, “America Speaking Out.” They got the finest 1970s NASA computer technology to power the immediately broken & buggy webform — instead of letting the Free Market work by using Formspring or whatever — and then they were sad when a bunch of Wonkette readers filled it with dumb jokes. Read more on GOP ‘Ideas’ Site Quickly Filled With Libtard Crap…

Let’s see, we’ve only had five actual Space Shuttles, and two of them have blown up — killing everyone aboard and bumming out the nation for weeks/months — and actually Endeavor was built of old Challenger replacement parts after that shuttle exploded shortly after launch, meaning we started with just four, and half of that original fleet blew up, and it was horrifying. So what’s a good headline for the Atlantis making a safe landing after its final pointless orbits around Earth? Yes, yes, “Space Shuttle Atlantis Boom Adieu” should work nicely. Bonus points for using French, too, so we can suspect terrorism.
Read more on Don’t Worry, the Space Shuttle Didn’t Blow Up Again…

Lots of Wonkette readers sent us this embarrassing new GOP “America Speaking Out” website, because obviously we — as Americans who speak — should go flood this dumb thing with TruckNutz and whatever. Okay, that is a funny thing to do, on the Internet, but oh dear Jesus in Space why did you have to make Americans so ruined and sad? How can we find cheap ‘n easy comedy bits to post here when they’re surrounded by so much awful depressing dull horror, and even polite requests for human decency? For every “All Members of Congress and Senate must be routinely and randomly drug tested,” there are three posts from the jobless and the maimed veterans and the confused old people, all just begging for some help. Read more on Dumb New GOP Website Actually a Heartbreaking Document of America’s Devastation…