I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The human puppy visited again today.

Me: Stella…

Stella: Oh, all right. Lady Human insists that humans do not have puppies, so I will humor her. The little human visited again today. Humans do not grow as fast as dogs which means that the human baby is still very small compared to a grown human. They don’t speak as clearly as grown humans either.

Me: And this baby does not understand bulldogs or their language yet. She thinks you all are just very loud.

Stella: Do we scare her? Are our faces too ugly for her?

Me: You are the largest dogs she has ever seen. I don’t think you scare her as much as you concern her. And no, I don’t think she considers you ugly, just different. She is still very young.

Stella: How long did it take for her eyes to open?

Me: Humans are born with their eyes open.

Stella: No! Really? That’s cool. The only thing we have open those first days are our noses and our mouths.

Me: The most important items for a puppy, no doubt.

Stella: I heard the human puppy…sorry, I mean the baby. Humans are so picky about what they call things. Anyway, I stayed real quiet outside her door. She was making the most wonderful noises. They weren’t human words that I know, but they were beautiful. They sounded so…bulldoggy.

Me: They did?

Stella: Yes. Especially when she got to one sound that I love and recognize so well. It was when she said, “Pffft!” It made me so proud. She will make a great bulldog someday.

Me: Stella, we’ve talked about why that won’t happen.

Stella: I know. I know. Still, she can say “Pffft!” at such an early age. That’s my human baby!

Me: Only as necessary, so yes, just about all the time. What was that horrible throaty noise you were making to the other dogs? It sounded like gargling embedded in a whine.

Stella: You have no appreciation for bulldoggese! Horrible? Gargling? Whine?

Me: That’s what it sounded like to my human ears.

Stella: I was giving a speech to my followers. You humans understand this. I have been hearing nothing but speeches from your human overlords for many days now.

Me: Uh, excuse me. We don’t have human overlords. Not that some humans don’t try to lord it over us.

Stella: That’s not what I was hearing on the Picture Box. And if you humans make speeches, why can’t I make one…or two…or a few more to my bulldogs?

Me: What were you saying to the bulldogs?

Stella: I told them that humans talk a lot and say very little. I told them that they were not to worry about that. I told them that they are not responsible for human speech that means nothing. I told them to ignore the cat, too. She talks entirely too much and nothing she says makes any sense. And I told them that if they don’t understand something that a human tells them to do, they should just start barking and the humans will give up.

Me: Oh, thank you, Stella, that is so helpful.

Stella: You are welcome.

Me: No wonder the bulldogs are barking so much!

Stella: I am their Queen. They do listen to me. Sometimes. Do humans listen to their leaders when they make speeches?

Me: Mmmmm.

Stella: Maybe I should start making speeches to the humans. Maybe they would listen to me.

Me: You know, Stella, under the current circumstances, it couldn’t hurt.