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The other advice about telling what is happening may not be so good. Whistle blowers are not embraced.

If you're leaving anyway, you're already stepping out of the group so who cares if you're not embraced by the group you left? You might get a hug from someone a year later who finds themselves in the exact same situation and recognizes it as a pattern with this jerk. Whispernet people.

Even if I get banned... So this is how you roll? This is what you say to your students? You play on them the "behave or you'll be ostracised" card?

Oh please... I teach Aikido. I'm not a social worker, lawyer or therapist so I don't give advice along those lines. And I don't play any cards on my students. It's not part of my job description to tell them how to behave. They're all adults capable of making their own decisions. Personally I think the OP should leave the dojo but since, at least to my knowledge, she hasn't then her first duty is to take care of herself while she still trains there.

If you're leaving anyway, you're already stepping out of the group so who cares if you're not embraced by the group you left? You might get a hug from someone a year later who finds themselves in the exact same situation and recognizes it as a pattern with this jerk. Whispernet people.

Or you might not. Do you have any experiences to share that turned out well?

I have told a couple of times in my life and ended up feeling not welcome in other circles besides the ones I have left.

I might support another woman privately but I would be hard pressed to tell about a situation like this publicly again.

Or you might not. Do you have any experiences to share that turned out well?

I have told a couple of times in my life and ended up feeling not welcome in other circles besides the ones I have left.

I might support another woman privately but I would be hard pressed to tell about a situation like this publicly again.

Yes, I've been the one to say, "I believe you and this will never happen again." Yes we did something about it. No one blamed the person coming forward and we're still friends.

Sometimes these things don't end well, it was really hard to be one of the first people posting about Clint George for example when he was accused of grooming a minor who was a student of his, but I did it.

It's my strong opinion that people who abuse their power do so regularly, it's never a one off event.

Finally, in case it's not absolutely clear, I really feel for the OP and hope she's able to take some of this advice as supportive. This must really suck to have to go through.

Perhaps you've never had any experience being a whistle blower. If she (the original poster) publicizes the sensei's behavior most likely she will be ostracized by the rest of the dojo. Without concrete proof of predatory behavior by her sensei, it's her word against his and that rarely ends well for the accuser.

Her problem is not the risk of being ostracized by the rest of the dojo. Her problem is remaining in the dojo, having anything to do with the dojo, for another second.

Your advice about whistleblowers is no doubt useful in the general sense, but in this context it's frankly ludicrous and unhelpful. If she has a grain of sanity, she is DONE with that dojo. If you read my earlier post, I said that IF her association has a sexual harassment/misconduct policy (and if they do, it should have a reporting procedure that bypasses the perpetrator, obviously), she should consider using it. What exactly do you take issue with?

Perhaps you've never had any experience being a whistle blower. If she (the original poster) publicizes the sensei's behavior most likely she will be ostracized by the rest of the dojo. Without concrete proof of predatory behavior by her sensei, it's her word against his and that rarely ends well for the accuser.

One only look to the news to see how women who come forward with accusations of sexual harassment are publicly vilified; even when the alleged harasser is taped bragging about his exploits.

Ron

You've just summarized the biggest problem lighting up headlines in America these days. It's why so many women are speaking up now, about incidents that happened 10+ years ago.
#beliveher

Quote:

Ron Ragusa wrote:

Oh please... I teach Aikido. I'm not a social worker, lawyer or therapist so I don't give advice along those lines. And I don't play any cards on my students. It's not part of my job description to tell them how to behave. They're all adults capable of making their own decisions. Personally I think the OP should leave the dojo but since, at least to my knowledge, she hasn't then her first duty is to take care of herself while she still trains there.

Ron

I hesitate to call this outright terrible advice, because this guy is running his own dojo/business and people have a choice if they want to be there or not, but the whole "if you don't like it then leave" thing is played out and smacks of misogyny.

I hesitate to call this outright terrible advice, because this guy is running his own dojo/business and people have a choice if they want to be there or not, but the whole "if you don't like it then leave" thing is played out and smacks of misogyny.[/QUOTE]

That is a funny one. Or could it be because he lives in the real with a real women who has spoken up several times. A real women who has been ostracized by other women co-workers and by the offender who she still gets to work with.

And then there is the time when that real woman in the real world spoke up at another job and the atmosphere became so intolerable she had to quit a job that she had been at for 10 years and really loved.

Maybe the OP just wants the abuse to stop and maybe she loves her dojo. Maybe asking for help involves hearing a lot of different ideas. Maybe...

I disagree. You don't get to declare what her responsibilities are. Each circumstance is different and while we must do out best...sometimes a person's best might not measure up to what you describe and it is still good enough.

It actually does relate to the thread...someone writes something that is against the forum rules,
( i.e. a personal attack...) and when someone defends themselves it makes other people uncomfortable and the uncomfortable ones make it seem like the whole situation is bad, not just the attacker.

It really reflects what happens in the real world

So to the OP: I repeat. Take care of yourself in a way that works for you. And don't expect anyone else to come running to your aid because they won't. You have be prepared for some really uncomfortable feelings.

For some reason almost eight weeks passed before anyone responded to the OP's post, and now ten weeks have passed with no further input from the OP. In her post she stated that her teacher "hits all the points" that describe a predator. I suspect that she had already made her decision, which was to succumb to her teacher's advances, and was looking for someone -- anyone -- to tell her that that would be OK. No one has. By now she has followed through on her decision. I feel sorry for her.

For some reason almost eight weeks passed before anyone responded to the OP's post, and now ten weeks have passed with no further input from the OP. In her post she stated that her teacher "hits all the points" that describe a predator. I suspect that she had already made her decision, which was to succumb to her teacher's advances, and was looking for someone -- anyone -- to tell her that that would be OK. No one has. By now she has followed through on her decision. I feel sorry for her.

The guest user comment submission takes entirely too long to be approved, hence the huge delay between my original post and replies and, well, now (assuming this will take some weeks to appear). But yes, by the time this was posted everything had run it's course. I've asked the original post to be removed due to too many identifying factors but as of yet it hasn't been.

For those wondering... I realized this situation as ultimately being a symptom of problems within my marriage and the inevitable course this was taking, separated with my husband, slept with my sensei (yes, in that order) and now I'm in the process of leaving the dojo. Maybe not the moral victory in the end everyone here was hoping for, but nonetheless what happened.