Going the distance

Couples bridge the gap to make their love work

June 28, 2008|By Leonor Vivanco, RedEye

Kelly Callaghan used to drive four hours for a date with her boyfriend.

For nearly two years, Kelly and Brian Callaghan, who are now married, took turns twice a month commuting between Chicago, where Kelly worked as a media strategist, and Canton, Mich., where Brian was taking classes to become licensed as a financial adviser.

The couple closed the geographic gap shortly before they married in October 2006, when Brian, now 33, moved to Chicago.

"When I think about it, sometimes I can't believe we ended up making it through," said Kelly, 30. She credits the couple's success to clear communication and the fact that they dated for four years before living in different cities.

There were an estimated 5.4 million U.S. couples in long-distance relationships in 2006, according to the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships in Southern California. The estimates, based on U.S. Census data from 2005 and another study from 2003, include married and unmarried couples.

Gregory Guldner, the center's director, said the number of married people who live apart for reasons other than marital strife has grown by 1 million since 2000. Though there is no consistent data that track long-distance daters, Guldner thinks that group is growing at a similar rate.

Most people in long-distance relationships live apart because, like the Callaghans, they are pursuing personal or professional development opportunities that require them to be in separate cities, Guldner said. Rising fuel and airfare prices are about to make it even more difficult for long-distance couples and could factor into whether people enter into long-distance relationships, Guldner said.

"It will almost certainly make people nervous at least and will probably decrease the frequency of people seeing each other," said Guldner, a graduate of Stanford Medical School and Purdue University's clinical psychology program.

The Callaghans say traveling back and forth to see each other was difficult and expensive, even then.

"The gas wasn't as horrible as it is now," Kelly said. "When I think about it, I think he probably spent more money because we'd always go out for dinner."

During their long-distance stint, the couple coped by talking on the phone every night, seeing each other twice a month and spending summer weekends meeting halfway in New Buffalo, Mich., where they stayed at B&Bs and walked the sandy beach.

While the Callaghans stayed together, some people are skeptical about whether long-distance relationships can work.

Elena Ramirez, 24, a single teacher who lives in Gage Park, has never been in a long-distance relationship and thinks it wouldn't work for her.

"I would need somebody physically to be here to see. I couldn't have a relationship over the phone," she said. "I don't feel that going out with them once a month would be a enough to build a real relationship."

Couples in long-distance relationships break up at the same rate as couples who live near one another, Guldner said, citing multiple studies. Long-distance couples also are not more likely to cheat on their partners. However, some couples might use the distance as an excuse to end the relationship, he said. Guldner cites studies, including two of his own, that found the frequency of face-to-face or phone contact has no connection with how likely the couple will last.

"While they [long-distance relationships] do work as well as any other relationship, they're stressful and they take energy. If you're not committed to that relationship, that's probably a question you should ask yourself -- whether you want to go into a long-distance relationship with this particular person," he said.

To increase their chances for long-distance success, couples should openly communicate, immediately tackle problems that arise and set an end-date for the geographic distance, according to relationship experts. They suggest long-distance couples establish ground rules and talk about how much communication they want and need.

Talking on the phone was a concern at first for Brian Callaghan, who said he's not a big phone person. But he got used to it.

"I told her every stupid thing that happened throughout the day ... it kind of brings the other person into your work even though you're apart," he said. "You let her know what's going on in your day-to-day life."

Those minor details are what creates intimacy, said April Masini, a relationship expert and author of "Date Out Of Your League."

Melissa Bellando, 24, got a taste of the long-distance life when her boyfriend was in Ohio for six months for grad school. Although she tried to stay social, the Oak Park resident said she felt lonely when she went out with couples and excluded when out with single friends who spent their nights flirting.

"It kind of sucks when you don't get to see him more than two weekends a month," Bellando said.

While long distance relationships have their drawbacks, there are a few benefits as well, Masini said.