Satanic

Fake Satanists, a charming runaway and Satan’s favorite crafting and decorating materials in this installment of the Blood Gutter!

How many devil worshipers are workin late.

Los Angeles. City of angels. Home to Hollywood, the rich, the famous and medical marijuana. But the most populous state in the union is bound to be rife with unsavory characters and practices, one group in particular will be studied in this films namesake: Satanists. Now, horror movie Satanist are very different that actual Satanists in that the make-believe Satanists actually believe in the old anthro-goat himself. More often than not these super edgy and stylish Hot-Topic cultists are willing to make sacrifices to this fallen Christian angel. Something I never really understood, I mean: If you worship the devil, by default, you’re admitting that “God” exists and that the mythology is actually true and real. Why would someone go against an omnipotent power, and follow a guy that’s literally known as “The Deceiver”, knowing full well that they would burn in hell and be tortured for eternity? Now that that’s out of the way, I do love a good Satanic yarn! Let’s meet our players!

David is just asking to die. (spoiler: he does)

Chloe (Sarah Hyland), David (Steven Krueger), Seth (Justin Chon) and Elsie (Clara Mamet) are headed to Cochella like normal Tweentysomethings who wish to be killed in painful ways. However, they must first make some Satanist touring stops in the slutty city of Los Angeles. It seems that Elsie, Chloe’s cousin, has a penchant for the macabre, occult and UNDERSTANDING THE DARK NATURES. Her boyfriend Seth, is just some goth dude. David is featured above. David dies.

Here they are at the corner of Chekov way and Gun ave. GET IT GUYS? GET IT?

Their tour begins at the Flower Hotel staying in the room that was the site of the gruesome suicide of Lainey Gore, a follower of Anton LaVey. They search for other landmarks and meet some real creepsters. Just another day in LA AM I RITE GUYS? They end up at Black Door Shop (which is actually a real occult store: Panpipes Magickal Marketplace on Cahuenga in Hollywood) where they meet the proprietor, a bald fellow who is characteristically rude and sports a Petrine Cross tattoo on the back of his head. Chloe, our top billed, also finds a doll made by notable occult doll craftsman, Chekov Gunninov(GET IT?). They are dumb and get kicked out of the store, likely for being stupid “normies” (that’s what Satanists call non-Satanists) and we’re off to Los Angeles fun times super happy montage land.

Once the fun ends, these idiots concoct a plan to follow the occult-shop’s proprietor. Sounds like a fun idea for idiots… to follow someone you had an altercation with… not just down the street…. but to a remote area of LA county. What could go wrong?

Oh.. this. Do you think that guy in the back lifts? Is he on a cycle?

Our mystery machine gang interrupt this ritual and make their daring escape, but Seth the bozo drops his phone in the commotion. It gets found by our damsel in distress who they get in contact with and meet. She gets invited to stay with them, as she has to catch a bus the next day, so they take her back to the SUICIDE ROOM. Things get pretty horny, but soon turn very very un-horny, but kinda horny if you consider stuff involving Satan to be horny, cause he has horns. Or something. This puts quite a damper on their Coachella plans to say the least. THEN THINGS GET REALLY SPOOKY.

Be sure to check this one out it’s formulaic to say the least, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The performances were fine for this type of flick and the direction kept me from wanting to do something else while watching. I think the only thing that actually bothered me about this one was in the final scenes… the set dressing. Without revealing too much, I had a really hard time believing that the catacombs of the hell-building would be lined with plastic tarps spraypainted with black pentagrams. All in all, a decent watch, especially with a special someone who may want to send Ouija board messages afterwards.