Friday, November 28, 2008

So it’s Black Friday, right? My kind of day. I decided to bite the bullet and do some holiday shopping. And me, I shop online. Is there any other way?

Now you know I don’t have much patience with the Playthings mods. I do get along with their dolls for the most part, especially the Jess ones. Call it pity if you want, but I figured I’d dole out a few fashionable holiday gifts. So yeah, I bought up the eBay stock of stompy black buckle boots by 2 AM. You can forget about finding any more between now and next year. Those are must-haves for any self-respecting AG doll. Also, I must inform you that there are no more plain black tshirts or bandanas left on eBay. I saw to that. I was busy while you were sleeping off your turkey.

Then, I headed over to Etsy.

WTF, Etsy?

Put on your waders, because it’s hip deep in there. OMG, have you seen the amount of weird-ass crap sold on that site in the name of AG? Talk about scary, creepy, and inappropriate! Now, I am all for creativity and commerce. Make something great that people will want, make some more, and sell, sell, sell. It’s all good. And right, I know one doll’s trash is another doll’s treasure.

But I defy you to call some of this stuff treasure. I counted enough raggedy shawls and ponchos to lay out a patchwork carpet for any harem David can dream up. If I have to look at one more felt fringed poncho, I will personally felt someone, hard. And I saw more crocheted crap in one perusal of Etsy than exists at all the world’s senior centers. I like the fine art of needlework and can knit some fiercely extreme doll fashions any day of the week. But please people, do not crochet entire outfits and then attire your doll as if she was a crocheted toilet paper cover. No. That is cruel and inhumane.

Damn it, Etsy wasn't meant to be a crafty crap collection. It should be a place I can go to find wicked original togs for dolls to kick ass in, sans nasty eBay fees.

Well, enough is enough. Not that I make a practice of being helpful, but here are AJ’s Tips for the Etsy Doll Crafter.

Number one, FFS, when you are trying to sell something to someone, take decent photos of your work! Stop cutting the heads off of the dolls! I want the gestalt, the big picture. Lure me in with the majesty of it all. However, I will grant you that when you cut off the doll’s head, she’s probably less likely to slit her wrists from shame. Which brings me to AJ Etsy Tip #2: stop making crap! Just stop it! Use fabrics in prints to scale. Don’t foof up the outfits with layers of mismatched lace and ribbons. And remember: just because you can make it, doesn’t mean you should sell it. Tip #3: stop saying it's for an AG when you put the whatever-it-is on a freaking Springfield, Battat, Tolly , or generi-doll you dragged out of your neighbor’s trash last Tuesday. I applaud your desire to recycle. But if you seriously want to sell something, get the real deal for photography purposes. Because if it fits a Springfield doll, it’s likely NOT going to fit my bodacious curves.

You should be glad there are no photos in this blog entry. You would go blind from the ugly. There's a reason they call that place Regretsy.

Monday, November 24, 2008

"But when is my Spammy-wammy's bedpan going to be sold out?" you say. Or "when is Meeeah's 'cleaning up the ice rink' broom and dustpan' going to be gone?"

Shut up. Do I look like fucking Nostradamus to you? Wait, don't answer that. I DON'T KNOW. Stop asking me! Try doing, I dunno, a little research. Like looking up that thread from three days ago when someone asked the exact same question. Or call goddamn AG, they're paid to listen to you. Check what's backordered on AG's website.

And if you want something, buy it. I don't know when it's going to disappear so better safe than whiny later. And if you don't have the money now but will next week, asking me umpteen times isn't going to change anything. Either it'll still be available when you have the money, or it won't. It's not Schrödinger's fucking cat. It's not going to fail to sell out if you observe it. I promise.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

So, yeah, the election is over. My place in American history is secure and I am well on my way to achieving world domination. Yesterday Playthings; today the world; tomorrow, infinity and beyond.

But I no sooner come off the election and I’m besieged by my fans. “AJ!” they write, thus risking my wrath at being so familiar. (Which reminds me: don’t risk my wrath by calling me 'a prank.' I’ll prank you. Hard. Harder than hard.) “AJ!” my fans persist. “What do you want for the holidays?” Some of them even want details, like what holiday I celebrate and how. Look, don’t sweat the small stuff. I am all-inclusive and will accept your tributes for every major or minor winter holiday. As for how I celebrate, that’s my own damned business.

At any rate, here’s my wish list. Since apparently people want to know these things.

1. Every good woman needs a Marine in uniform. I’ll take more than one if you have extras.

2. The gift of universal good grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. This includes recognizing and executing the differences between to-too-two, you-you’re-your, they're-there-their, and so forth. This gift is priceless and probably out of your budget, but a doll can dream.

3. Bound leather (who doesn’t love leather bondage?) copy of Robert’s Rules of Order. So I can throw it at that one Playthings mod. Yeah, you know who you are.

4. Blu-ray edition of Golden Girls: The Complete Series. I have the DVD box set, but Jiggy is forever upgrading the home theatre set-up and I have to keep pace with technology.

5. A pet frog. Either highly poisonous or hallucinogenic, I’m not picky. Although Jiggy would prefer the hallucinogenic type. You know how he is.

6. World peace (under the totalitarian dictatorship of myself, of course).

7. A flame thrower.

8. A manservant. Jiggy, David and Adam don’t move fast enough. Jiggy’s too strung out, David’s tired all the time from the sex, and Adam doesn’t have articulated joints.

9. Two heads to smack together. Actually, a year’s supply of two heads to smack together.

12. Second job as a stunt double. I can double for anyone with a quick rewigging and eye swap. Resume available upon request and my discretion.

13. Matching ‘I Am Made of Poison’ tshirts for me, Jiggy, David, Adam, and a smaller one for the man servant (from www.topatoco.com).

14. A hot air balloon. You don’t need to know why.

15. A gold Ferrarri. Red is my second choice but it has to coordinate with the new red ass-kicking boots (see number 8 above).

16. A divining rod so I can give dowsing a try.

17. Pirate things. Anything pirate. All pirate, all the time.

Which reminds me -- yo, you Somali pirates in the Asian seas? WTF is your problem? Going around acting all piratical with assault rifles and missile launchers, FFS. Where’s the sport in that? I mean, I’m all for innovative weaponry, but let’s have a level playing field. You’re taking the romance and mystery out of piracy. So ditch the high-caliber guns, rocket launchers and torpedoes and earn some old school respect.

Because there’s nothing worse than a bully pirate who takes himself too seriously. I shouldn’t have to tell you that.