Husband wants a divorce. How to handle this?

My husbanf and have been quite unhappy for a few years but kept going for the sake of our daughter, now 5yo. Last night we both decided we've had enough. He said he is very bitter because I am younger and have better career prospects whilst he is at thr end of his career with low earning potential.Today the texted me at 8.40am telling me I'm a horrible bitch and I've ruined his life.Now I know he will be absolutely vile to me. He will call me names, shout and tell me to fuck off and die. He has done so before.How do I handle this? Stay calm and cool? Fight my corner? Be vile back?Thank you for taking your time to read this.

Let him get on with divorcing you then. And if he doesn't, you divorce him. Ideally you live separately until then. Yes, get legal advice asap. It shouldn't be a fight (mine was) but if you can keep calm and strong that will help.

I second BitOutOfPractise's advice; be an ice cold she-devil. Don't reply to emails or texts, don't answer calls, let your solicitor do all the communicating if he's going to be so rude.

and It will pass. He will stop being a dick. Just breathe deeply and switch off your phone if you're tempted to reply. And spend time with friends; don't cut yourself off from others just because he's wearing his ass as a hat.

Disengage. A few stock phrases may help like: I do not wish to have this conversation; We've/I've made our/my decision, I'm not changing from that position; I'm not interested in your opinion on me; On repeat!

He sounds awful and I suspect its because you aren't dancing to his tune (whatever that tune may be).

Before you go make an 'outline' of your family finances, who earns what, who owes what, who owns what, who's saved what. List debts and assets, details of mortgage or rental lease, school/childcare fees. This will help the solicitor determine what would be fair in the divorce settlement.

So, it sounds as if this has happened before, the abuse and threat to leave? You sound so calm about it that it appears to be part of his 'routine'? If so, he's emotionally abusing you. But whether it's the first or fiftieth time, you deserve better. Get out and leave him in the dust.

When he texted this morning saying I'm a horrible bitch I replied that I'm very sorry I've made him feel this way.Btw, the problems we had are due to me not satisfying his emotional needs and being 100% focused on the child ever since she was born.I must admit I do take being a patent a bit too serious perhaps. But in my defence I was left to my own devices with the baby very early on due to the nature of his work. I guess I bacame too self sufficient.

It really won't help your emotional state or strength to engage in vileness with him. You'd just end up feeling dirty. Stand up for yourself as and when you feel it's appropriate but with set phrases as suggested above that declare his attitude and abusive verbal attacks are not acceptable to you or the law.

If your name is on everything presumably that means he should be the one to leave? It probably isn't going to be easy but getting him to go is viable with legal help and police too if it comes to that. There's always the changing locks scenario but it would be cool if he just left.

You don't need to defend being totally absorbed in your little one! Nor for being self-sufficient either! I think self sufficiency is possibly the hugest threat to another's ego than anything else. He's an idiot and he's called time, so off he should go.

When he texted this morning saying I'm a horrible bitch I replied that I'm very sorry I've made him feel this way. YOU have not made him feel this way!! Don't EVER apologise for the way HE feels (or indeed the way you feel) again, that is not your responsibility.

Btw, the problems we had are due to me not satisfying his emotional needs and being 100% focused on the child ever since she was born. Ugh pathetic man-child. His emotional needs? WTF as above, you are not responsible for his emotional needs. You are responsible for the emotional needs of yourself and your child. That's all.

I must admit I do take being a patent a bit too serious perhaps. No such thing as taking parenting too seriously, it's a serious business. NEVER apologise for being a good parent!

I'm actually a bit concerned as to how he's going to manage after we separate. Fuck that, and fuck him, frankly.

Sorry I'm not normally this sweary but you sound wonderful and he's just a dead weight.

Stay calm, don't rise to the bait, give him space to cool off. It may be that he is just feeling very hurt and needs some time to come to terms with it. You might be able to resolve things amicably if this is the case, but probably not if you start being vile back to him and say things you will both regret.

I would keep your distance from him, certainly don't say anything hurtful, and get a solicitor.

ivykaty - I can understand the temptation to do that but it is really not a good idea. (Disclosure: I'm a lawyer.) When you are going through divorce proceedings you will get the best result if you are whiter than white. Judges are often influenced by the behaviour of the parties. If the OP's husband continues to be unpleasant and the OP takes the moral high ground, the judge will be inclined to take her side. This could have an impact on custody arrangements and the terms of any financial settlement. If the OP stoops to his level then the judge will not be impressed.