I ate things that I did not want to eat
(a piece of pizza instead of the lunch I had planned)

And had a slight binge
( five 90 calorie special k cereal bars that don’t even taste that good)

But

I tracked everything. All 61 points of it.

Yes, double my daily allotment of points.

There are some things I’m feeling positive about this morning, however.

First off, I went grocery shopping yesterday and have really made strides in transitioning my fridge and pantry over to more real food and cutting out processed foods.

Btw-I am amazed at how much I think I already know about healthy living but really still have to learn. Just reading the ingredient list on things is so eye opening. And I’ve always looked at nutritional info and ingredients on things I buy, rather obsessively, but now the ingredient list holds more weight than how many calories or how many points something may be.

Having lots of good-for-me options is an empowering way to start my day (though by no means foolproof).

Second, I have already mapped out my food for today and I’m committing to sticking to that plan.

Third, my sister is coming when she gets out of work and we’re doing one of the Fit Mama workouts I used to do 2 years ago…when I was in the best shape of my life and training for my half marathon.

I feel prepared today.

One day at a time.

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I rarely post anymore.
It was time consuming and I flat out couldn’t keep up.
I don’t even really read the healthy living blogs like I used to.
But I also can’t deny that not being a part of that blogging community of support has taken its toll.

Proof positive: I ate potato chips today.

Might not sound like a big deal, but for someone who hasn’t eaten real potato chips in YEARS, it just gives some insight into where I’m at.

NOT in a good place.

Let’s back up…I am in a great place in many respects.
I had a healthy baby boy exactly three months ago:

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My husband and daughter are as wonderful as ever:

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I'm enjoying my maternity leave and all the extra time I get to spend with my family.

But I am stuck in a rut.

Yes, again.

I have confirmed for myself countless times now that this is a never-ending cross I have to bear.

I will never have total control over my issues with food.
It will never be easy…or something that comes without tons of work.
I will always have periods of time where I struggle.

The rut I am in is not an abnormal rut. I mean, I am 3 months postpartum. I am 25 pounds overweight. I am barely finding time in the day to shower. And food is my comfort.

I know I don't want to binge on candy and chips everytime I stop over to my parents' house. I guess you could say I let myself go back and forth between my completely depressing sense of reality and an unhealthy state of denial.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I love my birthday. I really do. I'm not depressed about getting old or anything. I still feel like a kid most of the time and have to constantly remind myself that I'm not!
That's a good thing.

But I don't want to be 25 pounds overweight anymore…even if it was for a very good reason.

So I’m going to try to read the blogs again to get a better frame of mind again…and a virtual community of support.

And I’m going to attempt to document my journey again…
even if only to hold myself accountable.
Tomorrow is a new day.

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It has been months since I have blogged…and I have to admit I am not even reading the blogs that much anymore.

My life has drastically changed once again…considering that I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with our second child.

I am beyond excited to meet our new little boy (yes…we are having a boy!!) and feel so incredibly blessed for all of the amazing things in our life.

However, like always, I come back to the blog when I am facing a struggle with my health and eating habits.

Stopping running for me, while some can run during their entire pregnancy, is a no-brainer. However, the decision to not run while pregnant has taken its toll.

Physically I have done really well, tracking my nutrition and calories to have a completely healthy pregnancy. I have been gaining as I should, but slowly and in a healthy way. As of about 24 weeks, I had gained approximately 10 pounds. I was thrilled with this since I think with my daughter I gained 12-15 in the first trimester!

However, the last month, I have started to derail.

It started with some halloween candy (always in moderation at first of course) and turned into numerous (I mean NUMEROUS) major old school binge sessions.

It feels terrible and it is that out of control feeling creeping back into my life, after so many months of feeling relatively good.

I am trying to get to the bottom of it…

why I feel like I can’t get back on track

why I have tried starting over so many times only to fall (and fail) time and time again

why with my husband’s loving support, I get angry at him

why I continue to sneak food and hide from others how much I eat

why I feel this urgency to eat really fast and shovel it in before someone tells me to stop.

I don’t know.

I’m lost…for now.

But looking for answers. Looking for clarity. Looking for a TRUE fresh start.

Like this:

We had the best spring break this year and we didn’t even go anywhere!
I just spent all my time with my now big girl…who at 21 months is now way closer to 2 than 1.

She had the best time on Easter and a little diva as evidenced below:

(her wardrobe change for our after dinner walk!)
She is in such an amazing phase and so much fun! It was hard to go back to work this week after an amazing break with her…I just love her so much!
Whether it is her saying, “God blesh you, momma,” when I sneeze
or
the fact that she is becoming a snuggler for the first time and I cannot get enough of it…
My husband and I find our hearts melting at the things she says and does all day long!
I read a great article today about how some parents have a negative attitude about how hard it is to raise children…and I am so thankful that my husband and I are both able to find the joy and beauty in it each day…
Because it truly is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done!

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I finally ran my first race in about 6 months.
I also have corralled enough girls to run with me to finally feel like I have a running group again!

I was sick for the whole week before the run with a cold/cough and had not run in 11 days…so my time of 28:06 was not disappointing in the least. 9 minute miles are what I consider a good pace…not my absolute fastest but good.
What made me unhappy about how I’d run this race was not my time…
But more how I felt running it.
I started out waaaay too fast and ran an 8:20 first mile.
And then died.
The final two miles, I felt weak and tired. My lungs hurt. People were catching me…
And passing me by.
It was a struggle…and not as enjoyable.
The last race I’d run in October was like this too.
Out too fast and died too early.
I want to be the one passing people….not the other way around.
It’s very defeating.
Doesn’t feel good.
It makes me want to train harder next time.
It makes me want to figure out how to run a race and feel good again.

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It looks like an ordinary banana, but it is my enemy.
(yes, I know it’s very brown…I think they taste the best that way!!)

But this banana stares me in the face the second I put it on my desk in the morning

Until the moment I eat it.

My problem is…typically, if I have access to my food, I polish it off.
Kinda like climbing Mount Everest-
just because it’s there.

So typically if I bring a snack to school it is gone by 8am (I arrive by 7:50).

But this banana is designated as my after school snack…especially on days like today when I’m going to help out with my Girls on the Run team practice immediately after work. I know I’ll be starving when I get home at around 5 if I last ate my lunch at 11:15.

So it is definitely in my best interest not to eat it until 3:00 when I skip out to go to practice.

But it taunts me all day.

So I will consider it a victory

every day

that it is still there at 3:00.

Sounds like a small victory, but for me it’s huge.

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I’m really proud of our workouts we are doing twice a week…I’m usually dripping with sweat when we’re done.
And I love that feeling when it’s not even from a cardio day…but our weights day.
I’m still finding it hard to convince my friends that lifting heavier weights is not going to bulk them up…especially when we’re doing a cardio type circuit training to build muscle strength.

I always have to laugh and I want to tell them how
hard people have to work
how much effort it takes
how heavy my husband lifts at the gym
and the amount of calories he needs to consume
In order to build the muscle he builds.
If it was as easy as benching 20 lb dumbbells, 20 times, twice a week
we’d certainly be surrounded by a lot more buff men!

But old myths die hard…and I can tell deep down, they still are picturing themselves with big bulging muscles!

Anyway, I’ve had one solid week of being back on track…so blogging about it definitely is helping.
Keeps me focused.
Keeps me positive.