Lies. You made it through ten minutes before giving up and putting in Mean Girls for the 50th time.

2. "Catcher in the Rye is my favorite book."

Nope. Further, you have never read anything by David Foster Wallace except for that cruise essay. You made it half-way through Consider the Lobster before you went to Sizzler and ordered a lobster.

3. "I love working out."

Wrong-o! It's sweating while not having sex. What's the point?

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4. "I crave salad."

Unless you've been living off a gravy and marshmallow IV for two weeks straight, there is no way in hell you're craving LETTUCE. It tastes like dirty water and needs to be covered in a mayonnaise-based dressing to be even remotely palatable. Saying 'I crave salad' is like saying I am better and have more self control than you. If you crave salad, keep it to yourself and order one. But I bet you won't.

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5. "I eat whatever I want."

No, you don't. If I ate whatever I wanted, I'd have a donut hanging out of each side of my mouth and a funnel filled with whipped cream-flavored liquor flowing straight down the middle. You know you would, too.

6. "I read the paper."

Nope. And you gave up trying to read The New Yorker years ago and now just keep it by the toilet to look smart.

7. "I love camping."

Nobody enjoys walking in dirt for hours just to sleep on dirt for hours. Pretty sure actual woodland creatures would rather stay at a hotel.

8. "I floss every day." (not the J.Lo kind, the teeth kind)

You know the last time you flossed it was like you were getting your period in your mouth.

9. "I think Beyoncé is overrated."

Everyone loves Beyoncé. Even like, the women who were kicked out of Destiny's Child still worship Beyoncé. You didn't take dance lessons and now you want to take her down instead of exploring the void inside yourself. Beyoncé isn't the problem. Now go sign up for those modern jazz classes. You can do it! Girls run the world! (Especially you. And Beyoncé.)

(And no, you are not over Single Ladies. YOU'RE FLIPPING YOUR HANDS AT WEDDINGS. I SEE YOU.)

10. "I'm nostalgic for the way things used to be."

Like, during the Great Depression? Or Prohibition? Or the times when women couldn't vote, people died from the common cold, and wives were owned by their husbands? So romantic! Even more romantic: wearing the same pair of underwear for ten days at a time and washing your teeth with powder (if people in your era even washed their mouths). Good luck in Marie Antoinette's court, y'all.

11." I love going to da club."

I love going to the club is like saying "I love spending my hard earned money on a weak drink that I'll spill on a woman in a freakum dress." Nobody likes awkward dancing with sweaty strangers who try to put their hands down your pants. Your feet hurt and you just want to go home and watch Ugly Betty on Netflix and eat everything in your fridge. I do, too.

12. "I don't care about Valentine's Day."

You do. We all do. Chocolate and flowers are the best. Now pass the candy hearts over here and let's cry in each other's arms.

13. "I love whiskey and beer."

No, they are disgusting. Beer is just bitter dank bubbly water and whiskey tastes like ear wax. And you know you know what ear wax tastes like so don't play.

14. "I love giving blow jobs!"

Stop making it harder for the rest of us with your lies! A penis is like the number 182908239828th thing you want to put in your mouth, and you know it.

15. "Chocolate is better than sex."

This is a crime against women everywhere. (Things that are better than sex: pizza, hot pockets, a warm sweater with a kitten in each pocket.

16. "I love taking baths."

You took a bath once, in 1998. It was a lot of work.

17. "I hate weddings."

Why lie about this?! Weddings are the best. You get to wear one of your 50 inapporpriately-fancy-for-anything-except-a-ball-or-a-wedding gowns and there's free food and booze and you might meet a cute boy to make out with. What's not to love?

18. "I don't want a traditional wedding ring."

What?! Conflict-free and vintage diamonds are a girl's best friend, and that is a TRUE statement. You don't event have to wear it, but you want it to be given to you. Fuck the proposal, you want that bling bling on your finger for at least a second. There is no future in your fronting.