A therapist's take on life, the world, you and me.

The Angel and the Devil

There comes a time as a lawyer when you split in two – an angel and a devil.

The angel wants to do well – as I never tire of explaining, lawyers are pleasers. You want to make partner, earn a million bucks and be the best attorney in the world. To the angel, the firm is like your high school football team – go Skadden! Rah rah rah!!

The devil, on the other hand, would burn the place to the ground while he toasted marshmallows and sang campfire songs.

The irony is that it’s the law firm itself that turns little angels into devils – just by telling you that’s who you are.

A junior partner at a big firm told me how they did it to him. Two senior partners marched into his office and announced he was slacking off and taking advantage of the firm. It was a mistake, they told him, to make him partner.

In reality, this guy was a pleaser’s pleaser. He worked his ass off to make partner, and talked in all sincerity about his “gratitude to the firm for that honor.” He was as rah-rah as it got.

Unfortunately, none of that meant anything, because the economy sucked, and he wasn’t bringing in billables. According to firm logic, that meant he wasn’t trying, he didn’t care – he was a bad guy.

By the end of his grilling, all he wanted to do was slack off and go home.

They’d done it – turned an angel into the freeloading devil they told him he was.

A few weeks later, he’s still having trouble finding his groove, and feels tempted to fudge his hours, pad his expenses, and kick off early. It seems reasonable, all of a sudden, to glance at a document and hand it off to an associate to review instead of staying that extra couple hours at the office.

There are few things quite as frustrating as having someone question whether you are acting in good faith. It’s like one of those Hitchcock movies where they collar the wrong guy for a crime he didn’t commit and no one believes him when he insists he’s innocent.

Law firms do it all the time.

At Sullivan & Cromwell, it got to feeling like a roller coaster. I arrived at the firm fresh-faced and innocent, totally committed to doing my best. I know how absurdly naïve it sounds now, but I really did think I had a chance of making partner.

You couldn’t get more angel than me. I spent three years earning A’s in law school, pleasing professors, drinking the Kool-Aid, writing a journal article, drinking more Kool-Aid, talking about my commitment to “the profession” – all the while whipping up molten Kool-Aid gateau served with mint-rosemary Kool-Aid coulis.

Come to think of it, maybe that’s why I’m so bitter now – why lawyers are all bitter – because we bought in utterly at the start of things. We really were angels.

It’s a long, hard fall to the shadowland of Hades.

My expectations for Sullivan & Cromwell were ridiculous, in retrospect. I perceived the partners to be wise, caring mentors who would guide me to “excellence.” I bragged to everyone I met about where I worked, employing words like “collegial” to describe my vision of the firm. No kidding – “collegial.”

My plunge to the land of shadows only truly arrived when they ignored all that and accused me of being a slacker. It was their telling me I didn’t take my work seriously that somehow made it a reality.

There’s something about working your ass off only to be told you’re a slacker that actually turns you into a slacker. Suddenly padding your hours and avoiding work become the prime objective. Let the other little junior – Mr. Eagerness – handle things for a change.

A few days later, I’d snap out of it and remember why I was at S&C. It was the best, most prestigious law firm in the world! I wanted to make partner! I was going to make them happy, do my absolute best, and be a success!

Then I’d get stomped on by some senior associate telling me I didn’t even seem to care…and the process would begin again.

At some point, you go numb. (Even lawyers have their limits.)

Finally, you stop cycling back and forth. You want out.

I worked with a burned out third year associate from a mid-sized Mid-Western firm who told me she was quitting her job. I urged her to reconsider. It looked like the firm was going to fire her anyway. The head partner kept threatening to let her go if she missed their insane billable hour requirements. She’d been denied vacation for nine months and was on the verge of mental and physical collapse. They kept telling her she wasn’t committed to the firm’s success and was slacking off and avoiding her responsibilities.

I proposed a classic slacker strategy to milk the firm for money:

“Why don’t you hang on a bit more,” I implored her. “You can take all that vacation they owe you at once. If they refuse to let you have it, you can make a scene – or stop working hard. One way or the other they’ll fire you. Then you can collect unemployment insurance, which would help you keep up your loan payments while you move in with your parents and look for another job.”

She sighed.

“That’s not how I want to go out.”

She explained that she’d never – not once – tried to take advantage of that place. She operated in good faith from day one, and did her very best. She’d done well in law school and never worked so hard in her life once she arrived at the firm. She always played by the rules, and wanted to leave still playing by the rules. She doubted they’d fire her – they’d probably just dump work on her, then criticize her for it (“your work-product is not up to our expectations…”), announce she hadn’t made her hours, then dump more work on her, and use her poor reviews as an excuse to once again postpone her raise. Standard procedure. No one lasted more than three years. Now she knew why.

“I can’t walk back into that office. I hate it too much. I hate them too much. I’m leaving.”

It was useless to argue. She’d had enough. She’d tried to be the angel. She’d battled the urge to become the devil, even when that was who they told her she was – and practically forced her to be.

Now she was fed up, burned-out, numb.

She’s looking into a career as a literary agent.

Enough is enough.

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This piece is part of a series of columns presented by The People’s Therapist in cooperation with AboveTheLaw.com. My thanks to ATL for their help with the creation of this series.

22 Responses

Does anyone ever speak up when this happens? Would that help in this situation, if you don’t just let them walk all over you and call you a slacker? I’m a law student who is getting ready to spend my 2L summer at a firm and I ask out of genuine curiosity.

It is amazing how this parallels so many stories I have heard already from other lawyers. Why is it the members of this profession are so absurdly abusive and/or willing to take it up the ass themselves?

@ Dan. No, people generally don’t speak up. They are too worried about how it will affect their careers. When I decided to complain about an abusive senior associate at a big NY firm, all of my fellow associates warned me not too – yes, the same people who complained about her constantly. I did anyway. Nothing happened. It didn’t adversely affect my career, but it didn’t accomplish anything either. I left the firm shortly after she made partner. In my exit interview, I explained exactly why I was leaving – with examples. shortly after I left she made assigning partner for the entire department. The best way to survive is to keep your head down, don’t try so hard to please (because it won’t do you any good and you’ll drive yourself crazy) and plan your exit strategy.

Dan
Its is how things work. Someone gets a bug up their butt and all of a sudden nothing you ever did was very good. Or better yet, the partners slack in generating business and then blame an associate for being unresponsive to the clients and the cause of their inability to get more work. Take the training for all its worth with an eye toward moving on.

@Dan — No! Don’t speak up. Speaking up = complaining = weak. You can ask higher-ups to “prioritize” your work for you (as in: “Super Rainmaker Partner asked me to X and you, Midlevel Associate, have asked me to do Y, both by 8:00pm tonight. It’s now 5:00pm. Which should I do first?” Midlevel will say to do SRP’s first because s/he knows your next step is to say “oh, if you need yours first, that’s fine — I’ll just tell SRP that you said to put off that work for Major Huge and Cranky Client.”) but that’s about all you can do. Otherwise, just keep your head down and when someone gives you a pile of s—t, you say “yes, sir, may I have another.”

I spoke up. If by “help,” you mean “save your job,” no, nothing will change the fact that they’re going to get rid of you. But since they’re going to get rid of you anyway, what the heck?

At my last BigLaw job, I was brought in as a lateral to help build a practice group. After three years of trying to bring in clients, only to have other practice groups conflict them out for the most trivial of “reasons”, I gave up trying. I also noticed that the office never promoted transactional associates to partner, only trial associates. I then began making my own plans. The firm then absorbed a practice group in my specialty from an imploding firm. The new partners came in, brought in their own associates, and started forcing out each and every one of the pre-existing associates. To my credit, I was the last one out.

When they brought me into the little room for the “talk,” I was ready. When they told me I “didn’t have what it takes to make partner,” I told the administrative partner to his face, “Of course I don’t, you only promote trial associates in this office.” He retorted, “That’s not true, we promoted X.” I replied, “X came in with the [imploding firm practice group]. Her promotion was obviously part of the arrangement. You’ve also stood by while they pushed out every associate they didn’t bring with them.” He just shut his mouth and stared at the ceiling. The other partner just stared at me with her mouth wide open. Yes, I was still gone, but in the law firm universe, that kind of victory is HUGE.

Dr. Will is right. If they’re going to get rid of you anyway, finish it on your own terms. Just DON’T let it affect your clients in any way. They’re what truly make or break your reputation, not the partners. The trick is to not be in denial about the true nature of the situation. Once the criticism starts, look for a new job, because they WILL get rid of you, one way or another. I’ve seen far to many associates continue to be “angels”, taking the manufactured criticism to heart. Instead of slackers, they become helpless, believing the criticism, with serious self-esteem issues that followed them for years.

In your inner heart, treat every law firm job like you’re planning to go solo when you leave. Suck the entire firm dry of information, experience, and knowledge. If you’re always working for your clients and yourself first, and the firm second, their false criticism cannot touch you.

Truer words were never written. This should be required reading for every BIGLAW associate. The key to surviving in BIGLAW is keeping your self-esteem. There is an enormous difference between being a “pleaser” and acting like the professional that you are. No, you may not have a book of business (or one as large as the partner(s) for whom you work), but that doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to respect. If someone disrespects you – even a partner – you should make sure you don’t take it lying down.

Law firms are in many ways like high school. Upperclassmen (and some teachers) will attempt to put you in your place. If you stand your ground and call them on their behavior, they’ll find someone else to pick on. Life is too short to let someone else make you miserable.

Great article, and kind of sobering for a 3L about to come out in May. I appreciate the tone of the article telling us what you endured rather than ranting about how horrible everything is and how naive law school students are for choosing this profession. In large part I think law school students across the country have tuned those negative rants out, but an article such as yours will definitely resonate.

I wonder if there is any chance of this mentality changing as Boomers are set to retire soon and Gen X’ers are promoted up the ladder. However, it sounds like its those who know how to play the game that get promoted and the ones that speak out are sent packing. What a depressing outlook for BigLaw.

Those who play the game in every profession get promoted up the ladder. The more cynical call it “rising to your level of incompetence” and often point to a U.S. President or two as examples, with some CEOs of fallen/disgraced Fortune 500 companies thrown in for good measure.

It’s interesting to read about the “changing legal landscape” when it seems as if there is a good chunk of the landscape that has a firm grip on the “status quo.” Be interesting to see how many solo/small firms grow into the next S&C but with a very different work environment.

i have been critical of your articles in the past but this is a fantastic one. your strong criticisms are much more persuasive in a personal context. can definitely empathize with what you went through. also the above comments are very helpful for someone considering which career path to take.

[…] an article written by The People’s Therapist, Will Meyerhofer earlier today entitled “The Angel and The Devil” – Meyerhofer is a former Big Law associate who did everything the right way. He met every […]

I wonder if this idea applies in other contexts too. I had a psychologically abusive father – a world-class narcissist – who said things like (this is a small sampling):

– “You’re as phony as a three-dollar bill”
– “You are a dope”
– “I could disown you, you know” (whispered in my ear when I was about seven)
– “You are an arrogant little prick”
– “You haven’t suffered enough to be a writer” (I’ve now published about 20 articles, including three in a national magazine)

Etc.

After a while, I figured – well, why bother working hard to have a good relationship with my Dad, if I’m just going to be excoriated either way? It’s pretty awful, but after a while (years, in my case) you learn to tune out the criticism and let the relationship mostly go.

Will, once again, a very accurate description of life in certain law firms…

What still amazes me is why managers any business would think that being disparaging or shouting at someone is going to make them work harder, it won’t. I thought that this type of attitude would not affect my work until I got shouted at repeatedly (not told off politely, actually screamed at) because the partner “had off days”. After a while you start thinking, why on earth do I spend my nights and weekends for this? Then you just start slacking off… Because frankly if it’s never going to be good enough, why bother?

When you deal with clients directly it’s not too bad because it focuses your work, you want to do well for the client but when it’s another mind numbing task set by by some mini born again Stalin, well you just end up doing the minimum work humanly possible.

@ Dan, I found that this is often completely pointless to complain. For me it started about 3 months into the job in my last firm. For the first 3 months everything was great, I could do no wrong. Then one day the partner went insane on me. My first thought was that I’d really messed up and it was all my fault. When I realised it wasn’t, that he had overreacted on some minor typo (yes, a typo), I got really angry and immediately resolved to talk to him and tell him that his behaviour was unacceptable. But then guilt kicked in. I believe Will is right when he says lawyers are pleasers, I count myself in that. I started to think it was my fault, that I should work harder etc. So I just left it and didn’t say anything.

The shouting happened more often and I eventually did go and speak to him. I politely told him that I was busting my ass for his firm and that as competent professional I expected to be treated as an adult and not as a unruly teenager (not in those words obviously…). It accomplished nothing. He calmed down for about a week and then it went all back to normal (him screaming at us). It was to the point that every morning when he got to the office my colleague would discreetly look at him and declare “it’s a good day” or “oh, oh he looks like he’s in a bad mood”. In the latter option we’d keep out of his way as much as possible.

What is amazing is that this type of behaviour leads to bad advice to the clients. My boss’ attitude terrified my colleague so much that he would never ask questions, he would just do the work and hope for the best. His theory was that if you asked questions/ clarifications you’d be told off for asking, if you tried it there was always a tiny chance that you’d get it magically right and wouldn’t get told off. It also lead to people covering up for their mistakes because they didn’t want to be scolded again.

All in all very pointless, not good for the lawyers and not good for the clients. I’m glad I’m not in there anymore!

Wow. Not the most encouraging responses, but I wanted to let everyone know that I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. Guess I won’t really know what I will do until it happens to me, but I appreciate the advice, and I will definitely keep it in mind.

Dan, don’t despair! Hopefully you will find yourself in a good firm where people are not like that! I think we were mostly giving examples of bad experiences. Basically if people are going to be horrible and abusive there is not much you can do about it. However there are great firms around where you will be supported in your work, with good management and colleagues and where the type of abuse described above will not be tolerated. They are not all bad! 🙂

Same here, to a T. Was so rah-rah that I wore suspenders without irony. Was so over-achieving that when I walked into my third-year review and the partner reviewing me started out by saying “People feel they can’t rely on you…[partner] doesn’t trust you enough to work with you anymore..,” I had to ask him to stop and start over, because I thought he was telling me a story about someone else.

Left, went to boutique, had completely lost my ability to function in firm culture. Had daydreams during conference calls about walking out the window, down the side of the building and out to the woods to have my clothes disintegrate and my beard grow to my waist.

Already responded to another message, but I lived this life for five years in the early-2000s. As the dot-com economy imploded, so did the perception of my previously “stellar” work. Partners even tried to steal my clients by removing my name as the “billing attorney” (the one who reviews and approves the bills to the client).

Eventually, I went in-house where the world was more improved. People don’t yell at you, but business needs dictate whether you remain employed or not. This last downturn did me in again after five years at my former company, but I didn’t take it personally. That’s just how business works when earnings fall flat. After three months (and a fat severance package) I landed at a great company that prides itself on respect. Higher pay, better benefits, more autonomy, etc… The grass is indeed greener.

Been there – I am a slacker at heart, and after a few years of trying to be a good little lawyer and bill a ton, I’d had it – I believe that my greatest achievement in law is managing to keep my caseload going and do good work while also doing the minimum necessary – eventually you do go numb.

Like others, I have been there but, thankfully, have been in house for well over a decade. All the stories are true, and we all have some variation on the theme. My tipping point came when the partner who had previously acted like a mentor became a screamer, culminating in one particularly bad bout that ended with spittle from his mouth sticking to my glasses. At that point, the choice was clear and I was all but gone.

However, despite the horror stories, it should be pointed out that these painful experiences do prove to be valuable over time. For one, you can’t really have perspective without actually experiencing the “other side.” Once you’ve danced the big law jig, everything that comes after seems like a breeze. Moreover, for all of its faults (and there are more than can be counted…) the big law entry on your resume will give you an advantage when seeking in house employment–and not just for your first in house gig.

So, on balance, just as law school gets considerably easier from 1st year to 3rd, the practice of law will become considerably easier once you leave your firm–and you WILL leave your firm. That said, there are no shortage of assholes in this profession and if you think your days of dealing with them will end when you walk out of those plush big law offices you will be sorely mistaken….

It’s time for your appointment

Will Meyerhofer, JD LCSW-R is a psychotherapist in private practice in TriBeCa, in New York City.
You can visit his private practice website at: www.aquietroom.com.
Will holds degrees from Harvard, NYU School of Law and The Hunter College School of Social Work, and used to be an associate at Sullivan & Cromwell before things changed...
Now, in addition to his work as a psychotherapy, he writes books and blog entries and a column for AboveTheLaw.com.