5 Important Lessons to Learn From Rejection

Before these women found major success, they were all negged over and over again. And guess what? They sometimes still hear the word no. Here's how they turn their fails into wins.

Jon Paterson

By
Helin Jung

Feb 09, 2014

Courtesy

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

"Rejection is a form of guidance."-Whitney Cummings, comedian

After college, Cummings auditioned to be a newscaster and was told she wasn't cut out for it (too funny). She tried hosting variety shows for TV, but "always came in second" (too kooky). She went on 200 commercial auditions and couldn't book a single one (too pretty/not pretty enough). She auditioned for acting roles, but that didn't work out either (too quirky). "That's why stand-up worked for me," Cummings says. "You have to be as unapologetically original as possible, so it was the only place I could fit."

Her lesson: Let it hurt. By the time she found success, Cummings found herself deeply resenting the people who had rejected her years before. "Everything broke my heart, but I pretended like it didn't affect me." She advises, "Just feel it when it happens so you're not carrying it around with you." Avoid grudges by reframing rejection as a positive. "When people reject you, they're really just pushing you toward the right path," she says. "That's when you get tough and start figuring out who you are and narrowing down what makes you happy."

Courtesy

"It's just one moment in time." -Nina Turner, Ohio state senator

Turner got into politics by running for the Cleveland City Council. She lost. "It was tough for me to deal with for a while," she says. But after leaning on family and friends ("they love you no matter what the world has to say"), getting a different job in public service, and doing a lot of soul-searching, Turner decided to run again for the same seat four years later. This time, she won. "I realized I had more to give," she says. "It was just one chapter in a full life. You have to go on to the next." Today, as part of a superminority in the Ohio legislature, "I hear rejection every single day," Turner says. "I wake up every morning knowing that. But I also know that more than 350,000 people elected me to push their issues as one among equals, and that's what I do."

Her lesson: "A lot of times we give up when we're just steps away from victory," says Turner, who is now running for Ohio Secretary of State. If your ambitions haven't changed, you have to try again. "Negative is easy," Turner says, but it's hope that will motivate you to keep going. "Don't let anybody diminish what you're working for. I have to psych myself up every day to say, 'Go out there and make a difference.'"

Courtesy

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

"No just means not now." -Stephanie Schriock, president of Emily's List

Schriock raised more than $52 million for presidential candidate Howard Dean in 2004, then quadrupled membership at Emily's List, which supports pro-choice Democratic women. But back in her first job as a campaign finance director, she couldn't even get help from a former congressman whose old seat Schriock's candidate was running for — he told Schriock her candidate wasn't qualified. "Holy cow, that was a hard-core no," she says. But she learned not to take it personally. "When someone tells me no, it's about what they're feeling, how they're looking at the world, what else they're spending their money on," she says. "None of those reasons have to do with me, the person asking."

Her lesson: If you feel like you're about to get a hard no, try to delay it by saying, "I'm going to ask you to take some time to think about this." If you do get a no eventually, leave them an opening to say yes in the future. "That same person who says no today could be making their biggest gift some point down the line."

Courtesy

"Reality checks are important." -Rebecca Skloot, author

It took Skloot more than a year to get the key source for her first book to agree to talk to her. More than 20 publishing houses rejected her proposal for that book before she got a deal. And even after the book was published, the author had to cobble together her own publicity because her publisher wouldn't send her on a book tour. The book, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, has spent the last four years on the best-seller list. And Skloot's rejection letters, now framed, have a place in her study next to the millionth copy of her book. "Everything I've done in the last 10 to 15 years has been me saying, 'What do you mean I can't do that? Of course I can. I have to do that,'" she says.

Her lesson: "Anybody who's trying to do anything slightly untraditional always faces these walls of rejection," she says. "It makes you feel very alone, so it's important to surround yourself with people who will remind you that you're not." She relied on other writers and editors who encouraged her but also gave honest assessments of her work. "There's a fine line between fighting for a story based on the way you believe it should be told and totally rejecting feedback," Skloot says. She considered every piece of criticism she got in her rejection letters and made changes when she felt the note was valid.

Courtesy

"People say yes when they know and trust you."-Kim Duke, founder of SalesDivas.com

Duke spent the first six months of her sales career in tears. "I was cold-calling people and getting told no 75 times a day," she says. She turned to a more seasoned coworker who, instead of giving Duke sympathy, gave her an "ass-kicking" and told her to focus on her strengths instead of obsessing over her weaknesses. Duke knew one of her skills was being a good listener — an unusual trait in her male-dominated field. She started asking clients more about their needs, then customizing pitches, providing samples and ideas that showed how she could address those needs. She went on to become a sales manager for Canada's CBC Television and head of a successful business that does sales training for women.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Her lesson: As a salesperson, Duke needs to keep her confidence high. So she "consumes positivity." She literally maps her goals and ideas on a large board so she can view them easily. She creates collages of inspirational images, reads books on sales, and even talks to herself in the car, rehearsing pitches and practicing both sides of the conversation out loud. "Those small habits give you thicker skin," Duke says. "It's just like going for a daily walk."

Photo credit: top Jon Paterson; all others courtesy

Want a crash course in living fun and fearlessly? Then join us for Cosmo's Fun Fearless Life weekends this fall — two days packed with inspiring speakers, incredible networking opportunities, tips from celebrities like Cameron Diaz, and electrifying performances, plus meet & greets with Cosmo editors. Get your tickets before they sell out at funfearlesslife.com!