Proprietor: "Come again, Madam?" Ms Givings: "I want
to buy some knickers."Proprietor: Oh, I thought you were complaining about
the smell of fish! Ms Givings: Oh, heaven forfend!
I am one who delights in all the manifestations of feminine fecundity!"Proprietor: "Sorry?"Ms Givings: "Your aroma
does not incommode me in the slightest, Ms Teighken."Proprietor: (pouting) "So, I don't need to douche
again, then?"Ms Givings: "Certainly
not! Now, for a pair of your finest knickers, young woman!"Proprietor: (lustily) "Certainly, Madam. What
would you like?"Ms Givings: "Well, now,
how about a naughty red silk number with pretty blue flowers on the
crotch?"Proprietor: "I'm afraid we're fresh out of naughty
red silk knickers, Madam."Ms Givings: "Oh, never
mind, how are you on Dolce & Gabanna Diamante thongs?"
Proprietor: "I'm afraid we never have them at
the weekend, Madam, we get them delivered on Mondays you see."
Ms Givings: "Bugger!
It doesn't matter. Well, two pairs of Versace Daisy briefs,
then, please."Proprietor: "Ah! They've been on back order, for,
ah, two weeks. Was expecting them this morning..."Ms Givings:"It's
not my lucky day, is it?"

Ms Givings: (Sighing deeply)
"How about M & S?" Proprietor: "No. Well — we don't get much
call for them around here, Madam."Ms Givings: (Non-plussed)
"Not much ca — Marks and bloody Spencer are only the
single most popular fucking knickers in the world, you
idiot! Proprietor: "Not around here, Madam."Ms Givings: "And just
what ARE the most popular knickers 'around here?"Proprietor: "Mo
Mowlam, Madam."Ms Givings:"ARE
they really." Proprietor: "Oh, yes, Mo
Mowlam sheer satin strings are staggeringly popular in this neck
of the woods, Madam."Ms Givings: "Are they..."Proprietor: "They're our number one best seller,
Madam!"Ms Givings: "I see.
Um...'Mo
Mowlam,' eh?" Proprietor: "Right, Madam."Ms Givings: (warily, expecting
the answer to be 'no') "OK. 'Have you got any?" Proprietor: "I'll have a look, Madam."

Proprietor: (sulkily) "No. Not really, I was
lying, Madam."Ms Givings: (clenching her
fists) "You haven't, have you?"Proprietor: "No Madam. Not a stitch. I have been
deliberately wasting your time, madam."

(Ms Givings slowly takes a very thick magazine out of her handbag and
deliberately rolls it into a vicious looking weapon)

Ms Givings: "Well I'm
sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to bend over and drop your panties
while I insert this copy of Elle up your bottom."
Proprietor: (eagerly hitching up her skirt and pulling
down her panties with a glad cry) "Ohhh! I thought you'd never
ask, Madam."
(Ms Givings holds her nose with one hand, and shoves the magazine between
the woman's gaping legs..Ms Givings: (politely) "Deeper?"Proprietor: "Oh yes! Ohhh god yes!"

Suddenly there is a muffled explosion and Ms Teighken's face takes
on a purple hue. She screams twice, clutches at her bottom and then
expires with a long, shuddering gasp at Ms Giving's feet.

Ms Givings: (wiping
her hands on the woman's dress) "Oh dear, did I forget to mention
I wrapped the paper around my pepper spray? It think it must have gone
off. What a senseless bloody waste of a perfectly good magazine!"