Molly Man

Women are right -- men are pigs.

Despite race, creed, color, or financial situation, every man in the world shares one trait --I mean besides having to be heavily sedated and dragged kicking and screaming to any movie about relationships. The universal male trait in question is the aversion to keeping things clean. If ever there was one flag representing all men, there could be no image more appropriate than a pair of dirty socks on the floor. Long may they stink.

Not that this is any excuse, but we men do have historical precedent for being slobs. This dates back to the Garden of Eden, where Eve was irked to find Adam's apple cores everywhere, despite the Thou Shalt Not Litter signs in plain view. In the Middle Ages, kings themselves would toss their just-eaten beef ribs on the floor for their dogs. This would really irritate their queens, who were already quite steamed about the king's refusal to take out the garbage.

This dates back to the Garden of Eden, where Eve was irked to find Adam's apple cores everywhere.

Incredibly, there was even litter on man's first journey to the moon: a Nestles Crunch Bar wrapper and one of Neil Armstrong's socks. Little known fact: Armstrong said "one small step for man" for a reason -- he couldn't find his other sock.
What's behind this male aversion to keeping things clean? Laziness? Stupidity? Insensitivity? Too easy -- those are reasons for everything else men do or don't do. There are, in fact, three basic reasons why men hate cleaning. Actually, there are four, but I wrote the fourth one down on the back of a Fudgcicle wrapper, and now it's somewhere in this pile of papers and half-eaten sandwiches on my desk and I can't find it.

The first reason men hate cleaning is that they somehow believe that cleaning is women's work and so by doing it, they'll be perceived as less masculine. Unfortunately, this too has historical precedent. At the high point of his career, Alexander the Great was spotted dusting his shield. For the remainder of his life, no matter how impressive his accomplishments, whenever he passed by, onlookers would snicker and refer to him as, first, Alexander the Duster; then, Dusty, Dustine, and finally, just Dust. Eventually, this drove him insane. At his funeral, mourners could not help but scoff and toss feather dusters on top of his coffin.

The second reason men hate cleaning is that they are convinced it is a low-priority activity, when they don't even have time to complete their abundance of high-priority activities. Among the high-priority activities men believe take precedence over cleaning are: napping, watching sports games on TV, bowling, drinking beer with their buddies, and attending How to Have a Great Marriage Without Spending Any Time with your Wife seminars.

The third reason men hate cleaning is that they see this hate as a rebellion against authority. Think of it as the Revolutionary War, without issues or intelligence. As young boys, their mothers were constantly badgering them to pick up their clothes from the floor, wash their hands, clean up their rooms. The universal male dream was always When I Grow Up And Have My Own Place, I'll Be As Sloppy As I Want And No One Will Be Able To Tell Me What To Do. The irony, of course, is that if a man is married, he'll still be told what to do. And if he's single, he better clean if he doesn't want to remain one of those weird slobby single guys for the rest of his life.

He better clean if he doesn't want to remain one of those weird slobby single guys for the rest of his life.

Of course, sometimes men do make a sincere effort to clean. They do this in an attempt to 1) Impress a date, 2) Placate a wife, or 3) Tidy up before the parole officer arrives to inspect. And when men do try to clean, you can pretty much count on their either breaking something, ruining something, or burning something down. Before asking a man to clean, always be sure the place is insured for full replacement value.

Getting men to clean, though, need not be seen as a hopeless cause. My suggestion -- have macho role models do public service announcements promoting men cleaning: "This is Arnold Schwarzenegger. You may know me as the Terminator but when I'm at home, I just love terminating the mildew from the tiles in my shower. Like we say in my native Austria – dirty men are girly men." Immediately, men throughout America would pick up sponges, mops, and vacuums. And then immediately put them down 'cause the commercials are over and the game's back on. But hey, it's a start.

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About the Author

Mark Miller is a comedy writer who has performed stand-up comedy in nightclubs and on TV, written on numerous sit-com staffs, been a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate and is a current humor blogger for The Huffington Post. His first book, a collection of his humor essays on dating and romance, was published by Skyhorse Publishing on February 3rd of 2015. Its title: 500 Dates: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the Online Dating Wars. But he says he’d trade all his success away in a minute for immortality, inner peace and limitless wealth. Follow his website/blog at: http://www.markmillerhumorist.com/. And he can be reached at: mark.writer@gmail.com

Visitor Comments: 10

(10)
Anonymous,
June 4, 2008 4:45 PM

Funny and meant to be

I love it. It is VERY FUNNY and clearly meant to be.

We all know men AND women like this.

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(9)
Ronni,
May 27, 2008 2:56 PM

Real Men

Do real men clean up? The fourth answer is why should they when someone else will do it who''s been raised to think that it''s her obligation to do so. On the other hand I find something seriously wrong with men who are too into appearances be it theirs or that of their home. No one enjoys living in grime and dirty but there is something unmanly about a man who gets upset because his wife left the dishes in the sink or the kids left the legos on the floor.

(8)
REBECCA,
May 26, 2008 9:46 AM

DO IT YOURSELF!!

TO THE FRUSTRATED HUSBAND WITH A HISTORY OF 2 SLOPPY WIVES....IF YOU DON''T LIKE THE WAY YOUR WIFE CLEANS...DO IT YOURSELF. THEN YOU WILL HAVE ONLY YOURSELF TO BLAME. MY MOM USED TO SAY "DIENNE HENT LIGGEN IN KIMPET?"

(7)
Anonymous,
May 21, 2008 1:55 PM

The notion is Bull----!!!!!!!!!!!

The notion that men are the only slobs in the world is ludicrous to me. I was first married to a slob that could not keep a house clean with the help of a cleaning woman that I hired for her. My present wife is a "shmear cleaner" of the house but tries harder to keep things in place than the last one. I am too old now to argue about the unkempt house, so I''m having to get used to the dirt. Sign Me Frustrated.

(6)
AP,
May 21, 2008 12:40 PM

Funny! Keep it in context folks.

Yes, this article stereotypes men. Yes, we know not all men are slobs (there are women slobs as well!). This article needs to be kept in context when reading. It is not an informative one per se (like a health article) but a Jewlarious article - it''s funny. It''s meant to be funny - something we can all understand and relate to.

(5)
tova wald,
May 21, 2008 12:34 PM

Excellent--very funny! True, sloppiness could refer to men and women. Men are the standard foil for this humor: Just like there are standard jokes about mothers-in-law, gabby women, Yiddishe mamas...and even ethnic jokes. But it''s just to be funny--to give us a laugh, or at least make us smile. It is a precious gift.

Thank you Mark Miller

(4)
Ed,
May 21, 2008 8:48 AM

Somebody please....

Would somebody please tell my wife to pick up her shoes, panties, and dirty towels off the floors? I find these things in every room, everyday! Anybody? Is there a school for sloppy women?

(3)
Chaim,
May 21, 2008 8:18 AM

Stereotyping

Maybe this author should see the Jewlarious video clip on stereotyping....As Dr. Salomon says..."something to think about"...Mmmmmm.....Keep up the good work !

(2)
JD,
May 21, 2008 7:20 AM

Baloney!

I know this is supposed to be facetious, but i always hate it how men are depicted as slobs- first of all, my husband, father, father in law and both my brothers in law are "neatniks" and we, the wives feel like we''re the messy ones!!!

But besides that, whenever they have those dumb sloppy man commercials and TV shows, or email forwards it''s just irritating. and it''s like saying now men have an excuse to be messy b/c it''s "in our nature"...nonsense!

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...