Spoof Space

BY STEELE CODDINGTON | FEBRUARY 29, 2012

Fundamental versus Whatever’s on your mind

Nut farmers are worried. They’ve never seen so many running around loose in the streets. Most of the idiots milling about in increasing numbers these days looking for a liberal TV camera should have a separate census category called “suspicious.” That would cover most of the pseudo-do-gooders who think every supposed privilege, fad or unaffordable personal wish is an inalienable right. “Rights” have become as common as “tights” – anything that keeps your butt happy and makes you feel warm. Self-important people interviewed on TV with less common sense than a dragon looking for a Chinese New Year need a little American History 101 refresher. There is a distinction between “fundamental” and “inconsequential,” as in selfish, confused or immoral predilections that simply afford pleasure or convenience. One way to delineate is to ask yourself, “What would I die for?” Does your choice rank with Patrick Henry’s “Give me liberty or give me death.”

I know there are times when I’ve said, “I’d die for a Starbucks this morning!” But assigning the word “right” to the habit of a morning fix or pill or pedicure or tattoo or something the government thinks you should be entitled to as a health care mandate should be placed in the semi-loony bin. And that might be the best place to look for the real rationale for a contraceptive as a fundamental right.

In the last issue of “Go Figure!” the official quarterly magazine published by the Society of Disturbed Psychoanalysts, an article points out that a “right” to free contraception is a hidden manifestation of an evolving psychosis in the American Psyche to have more free sex without consequences, blame or guilt by association. Proponents of that persuasion think that if contraception is not recognized as a fundamental right, the country could revert to a Puritan prison camp with restrictions that might even go so far as to restore the one man, one woman definition of marriage. The Society, also disturbingly, found that since men feel they have to measure up to the new sex urgency, the stress will render them incapable of responding. This has created a new entitlement mandate for the free issuance of Viagara, Cialis et al as a fundamental right.

Let’s see – would I die for that? Psychiatrists might, because now the need for their services will help them replace the number of Family Practitioners lost under Obamacare. They will be able to diagnose Patients after an ACORN bureaucrat screens the patient about how they voted in the last election. Their next question will confuse the 99 percent being asked: “Did you take a free birth control, tubal ligation or morning-after abortifacient this morning?”

Sample answer: “Good grief, I hope not, but I’d better ask my husband, he puts some crazy things on my oatmeal.” And the final question: “What President should be the next addition to Mt. Rushmore?” If you answer correctly, they assign you to a psychiatrist who rewards you with a piece of the type of candy used by dog owners at the Westminster Kennel Club Show as an inducement to do what you’re told.

Thankfully, my own psychiatrist is my dog Arbuckle who uses the same candy when he takes me for a walk, to induce me to pick up my own poo. There ought to be a right to leave it where you left it.

Where have you been?

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have never been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And more and more I think of the Here After. Several times a day, in fact, I enter a room and think "What am I here after?"
Sound familiar????? Join the Club!

Puzzle Solutions

For All Signs: Mercury, the ancient god of communications, is beginning its deceleration as it approaches its retrograde turning point on Mar. 12. This is a foreshadow period. Sensitive people often ask me about whether Mercury is retrograding during this two week period of preparation. You will begin to see communications becoming entangled and misunderstandings develop on ordinary matters of communications. Be particularly careful about decisions and contracts now. On this round of Mercury, keep your computer backed up every day. Electronic snafus are probable.Aries: Mercury enters your sign on Mar. 2 this week. Your mind is racing from one thing to another and some of these thoughts have real potential for creative works. However, within a few days, Mercury will be changing directions and you will think again about decisions made now so save time for reflection.Taurus: Circumstances involving love life and money may feel a bit tight. You may experience an emotional droop near the 4th, in which you perceive yourself to be alone in the world. This is a temporary mood, so don't take it seriously. After Mar. 5 you will feel much better.Gemini: You are finishing a work project and shifting gears into new territory this week. You will be focusing on communications with friends, acquaintances, and building your network. You may encounter a whole new group of people at this time. Backup everything on your computer.Cancer: You are conflicted on the subject of romance versus caretaking, which is your natural instinct. Perhaps you are caught in the middle between the needs of a spouse and your children. Sometimes a Cancerian becomes a parent to the partner, which usually creates a troubled internal atmosphere. Set aside decisions on these matters until you are more centered.Leo: This looks like a week in which you really want to say your piece, but you have a sense that would be a bad idea. Agreed. Mars continues to retrograde. If someone "attacks" you, then you may safely defend yourself. But if you want snipe at another, you may regret taking action now.Virgo: Continue to hold your tongue in any potential disagreement with another. Do not initiate battle. However, if someone shoots sniper fire at you, then you may do what you need to take care of yourself. Your attention is moving toward the subject of taxes. Triple check your tax return before taking it to the mailbox during this period.Libra: Life does not flow so smoothly this week. You might find reasons to feel sorry for yourself. Make an effort to avoid dwelling on sorrowful thoughts. People you normally count on to be there may be unavailable right now. Hold onto your peaceful place. On the 5th and beyond you will be feeling better.Scorpio: Make time for plenty of space between yourself and a lover or your children this week. It is a challenge to keep your temper. It also is not the best to “attack” another while Mars is retrograde. You will live to regret it. Get a babysitter for a few hours. Go for a walk. Exercise. Vent that irritation in more appropriate ways.Sagittarius: Late in the week an opportunity to expand your social life brings smiles. You may be invited to a party or you might meet someone new. This aspect is from Venus, goddess of love and creativity. The muse may be at your side as you produce a particularly creative idea or solution to a problem.Capricorn: Your attitude is somber. This is a good time to work alone and concentrate on a calming project, rather than a challenging exploit. Your reflexes are a bit off. Drive and use tools carefully. You could be having a blue mood, but it is passing. Don’t take it seriously.Aquarius: You have a genuine need to do your own thinking this week. You are mulling over an issue that requires a unique perspective to resolve. This may take a while. Don’t push it too quickly. Don't allow fear and pessimism to interfere with your pleasure in life now.Pisces: Your optimistic and happy attitude causes others to join your bandwagon and support your projects. You can envision a grand result and are able to express it in a way that others can understand. The reward will be great enough that everyone will benefit.

Are you interested in a personal horoscope? Vivian Carol may be reached at 704-366-3777 for private psychotherapy or astrology appointments. There is a fee.
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