WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Pedro Morales (c) vs. Moondog Rex (w/ Captain Lou Albano). Moondog King failed to unseat Morales last month, so now Rex is taking a shot. Albano is escorted to the back for being crazy or something. Rex holds a headlock for about an hour, then goes to work on the champ’s arm. Vince says that Morales is having more trouble with Rex than he did with King. King beats on Morales for about a week. Morales finally makes a comeback, then gets an inside cradle for the pin in 9:29. 1/2* because it wasn’t completely worthless.

Sergeant Slaughter (w/ The Grand Wizard) vs. Pat Patterson. Patterson is a fiery babyface. He wants some of Slaughter, but Slaughter appears to want none of it. Slaughter sneaks around and tries to jump Patterson from behind, but gets his ass kicked. Patterson fights dirty with chokes, closed fights, and even a bite to Sarge’s hand. Patterson catapults Sarge into the turnbuckles and scores a 2 count. Somebody is blowing a whistle. Is Bill Alfonso around? Patterson applies a crab hold. Back to their feet. Patterson hits a shoulder block and goes for another. Sarge avoids it and sends him crashing to the outside. Slaughter threatens to dive off the top rope to the floor, but thinks better of it and settles for a kick off the apron. Slaughter is trying to win by count out. He covers his ears to drown out the crowd’s boos. Patterson makes it back in and Sarge goes to work on him. Slaughter goes for a diving knee drop, but Patterson avoids it. Patterson locks in a figure-four leglock. Slaughter suffers, but makes the ropes. They brawl outside. Patterson hits Sarge with a chair, which is apparently fine if you’re on the outside. Back inside, Patterson shoves the ref twice. Sarge rakes his eyes. They brawl. Slaughter shoves the ref. Slaughter and Patterson both throw the ref out of the ring. Sarge applies the Cobra Clutch. The ref comes back in and Slaughter immediately kicks him in the groin. Apparently there are rules, as the referee finally calls for the bell. It’s a double DQ in 13:30. Even in 1981, this company hated finishes. Patterson is angry at the ref. Vince assures us that Pat will apologize to the ref once he cools off. **1/2

Steel Cage Match for the WWF Heavyweight Championship: Bob Backlund (c) (w/ Arnold Skaaland) vs. Stan Hansen. Finkel announces that the winner will be the one who successfully runs away. Hansen jumps Backlund immediately, but Backlund throws him into the cage and generally kicks his ass. Back and forth brawl. Backlund hits a piledriver and tries to escape. Hansen hits him the ding ding. Lots of ramming of heads into the cage. Hansen bleeds. Backlund avoids an elbow drop. More brawling. Backlund escapes to win in 8:52. Fun brawl. Hansen is none the worse for wear because a cage match where the objective is to run away is fucking stupid. **1/2

“Pretty Boy” Larry Sharpe & “The Unpredictable” Johnny Rodz vs. Tony Garea & Rick Martel. Martel and Roz start. Both sides tag in and out. The heels, Sharpe & Rodz, cut Martel off and get the heat on him. Garea gets a lukewarm tag. Rodz sucks him and lets him crash into the corner. Now they’re working over Garea. Martel gets a much more lively hot tag and runs wild. Clusterfuck ensues. Martel and Garea send the heels into each other. Martel pins Sharpe with a jackknife hold in 7:05. **1/2

Howard Finkel, sporting a powder blue suit and a full head of hair, is the ring announcer.

Jan Nelson vs. Jose Gonzalez. I assume this is the same Jose Gonzalez who would murder Bruiser Brody in a dirty bathroom 11 years later. He’s a big babyface here in New York. An “Old School Flashback” in the bottom right corner informs me that Kanye West was born this month, June 1977. That’s unfortunate for the world. But I digress. Gonzalez is the more experienced grappler, while Vince touts Nelson as a future star. I don’t know that Nelson ever lived up to that. Gonzalez makes the heel Nelson look foolish, and you can hear Nelson Muntz guffaw in the crowd more than a decade before The Simpsons debuted. Lots of good ol’ fashioned arm work in this match. as Nelson works an arm lock for several minutes. Gonzalez fights back with some arm wrangling of his own. Nelson quickly cuts him off and then beats him up. Gonzalez avoids a charge in the corner and makes his comeback. Gonzalez hits four dropkicks and scores the pin in 9:46. *3/4

Rocky Tomayo vs. Larry Zbyszko. Holy crap, Larry is young here. I’ve never heard of Rocky Tomayo. More basic, old fashined grappling. They actually do a bit of chain wrestling, which always makes me giddy. This is actually kind of fun. Larry is a fiery young babyface here, very quick to take Tomayo down and grab a hold. Of course, this is Larry Zbyszko, so there is some stalling. Tomayo endures a lot of trauma to his hamstrings. Larry catches Tomayo with an inside cradle for the pin in 7:30. Man, this referee counts slow. **1/4

Tony Garea vs. George “The Animal” Steele. Fiery young babyface Garea is ready to fight, which befuddles the Animal. Steele stalls a bit, then gets the advantage on Garea by wrestling heelishly. Garea makes a fiery comeback. The referee DQ’s Steele in 7:22 for hitting Garea with a foreign object. Steele continues to lay the beating on. Garea rallies and runs the big man off. **

2/3 Falls: Ken Patera & Nikolai Volkoff (w/ Captain Lou Albano) vs. Andre the Giant & Chief Jay Strongbow. The babyfaces run Albano off during the introductions. This seems to be a grudge match. Patera stalls a long time before getting in the ring to start the match. Vince calls Strongbow a “fired up redskin.” The ’70s were a different time. Strongbow gets Patera in his own hold, the full nelson. Patera escapes. Andre tags in and puts Patera in the full nelson. Patera manages to make the ropes. Volkoff tags in. The heels try to cut off Andre in their corner, but Andre is a giant, so he’s like “fuck that.” Strongbow comes in. Volkoff puts a hurting on him briefly. Andre tags in and bear hugs Volkoff. Volkoff gets free, but Andre punches him the face. Strongbow tags back in and gets caught on the wrong side of town. Andre gets a hot tag at point, but the referee didn’t see it. Heels continue getting the heat on Strongbow. Andre finally gets the tag and runs… well, he doesn’t really run wild, but he wrecks shit like a destructive giant briefly. Clusterfuck breaks out, largely involving Strongbow running into Andre, causing him to shoulder block both heels in the corner. Andre goes for a big splash on Patera, but Patera avoids certain death and makes the tag. Strongbow comes in with a big babyface flurry and locks Volkoff in a sleeper hold. Patera saves, but gets his man DQ’d in 13:46. My stream turns shitty, which is just lovely. After I get it straightened out, Volkoff and Patera get into it at ringside. Presumably, Volkoff is pissed that Patera cost them the fall. Insta-commercials. Strongbow and Volkoff start the second fall. Andre hold Volkoff for Strongbow to hit him, which is illegal. The heels are still not getting along. Patera shoves Volkoff. Volkoff takes a swing at him. Volkoff goes to leave the ring, but Patera clubber his back from behind. Patera leaves. Andre gives Volkoff a big boot and a splash for the pin in a little over two minutes. Finkel gives the total time as 16:25. Fun match. **3/4

Lenny Hurst vs. Stan “The Man” Stasiak. This is Hurst’s MSG debut. I wonder if he ever made it back. Stasiak is a former WWWF Champion, and the father of a guy who would someday run into shit in backstage segments. Stasiak is from Buzzard Creek, Oregon, which is a great name for a wrestling hometown. Vince touts the 225 lb Hurst as the lightest wrestler in the WWWF. I’ll bet he wishes that were still the case today. Anyway, Stasiak is the ornery old heel, Hurst is the fiery young babyface, and they work the match accordingly. Hurst delivers a dropkick that sends Stasiak to the apron. Stasiak comes back in and puts a beating on the young man. Hursts makes his comeback, then eats a boot to the face. Stasiak lands the heart punch for the pin in 7:55. **

Vince interviews WWWF Champion “Superstar” Billy Graham (w/ The Grand Wizard) in the ring prior to his match. I’m almost certain I’ve seen this interview before. “I am the man of the hour, the man with the power, the man too sweet to be sour.”

WWWF Heavyweight Championship Match: “Superstar” Billy Graham (c) (w/ The Grand Wizard) vs. Bruno Sammartino (w/ Arnold Skaaland). Bruno has a mustache and a Jew fro here. I think this is 2 months after Graham took the title from Bruno in Baltimore. Graham taunts Bruno with the belt, and by god, Bruno wants that belt back. The beauty of this is that Graham cheated Bruno out of his belt, so Bruno is PISSED OFF and wants it back. He does not laugh it off and talk about how championships come and go. Bruno attacks Graham to jumpstart the match and MSG comes UNGLUED. Graham manages to subdue Bruno with a full nelson. Vince notes that this hold is attacking Bruno’s neck, which was broken not all that long ago by Stan Hansen. Bruno reverses it and almost puts the champ down with it. Graham manages to avoid having his arm drop the third time and gets to his feet, but Bruno keeps the hold. Graham finally manages to get free and takes a powder. Graham comes back and manages to get the advantage, putting pressure on Bruno’s back and arms. Bruno again reverses Graham’s hold and puts the pressure on him. Graham manages to get some momentum going and puts the boots to Bruno. They work a bear hug for a bit. Bruno takes a spill to the outside, and Graham tries to keep him there. Bruno gets back in and goes on the attack. Graham begs off to no avail. Graham rallies, but knocks down the referee in the process. The guys brawl and the referee tries to break it up, only to get taken down repeatedly. The ref finally calls for the bell in 18:15. It’s a double DQ. Fun strong guy match. **3/4

Baron Von Raschke (w/ Freddie Blassie) vs. Ivan Putski. Putski’s beer belly is a little bit less prominent here than on the last show I saw. Raschke is announced as the “European Heavyweight Champion” 20 years before the WWF actually created a European Championship. These two went to a 20 minute draw previously, so now we’ve got a 30 minute time limit. Oh dear. Blassie is taken to the back before the match starts, for some reason. Raschke has a gimmick in his hand. Putski informs the referee of such. Raschke successfully conceals it on his person. They finally lock up after a lot of stalling. They also work the lockup for a long time. This is going to be a long one. Raschke with some desultory leg work. Putski with a rear chin lock, then transitions into some kind of wonky head scissors hold. Putski finally wakes up and shows some babyface fire. They go back and forth a bit. It goes to a 30 minute time limit draw in 19:13. I don’t care if they lied about the time, I missed some editing, or what. I don’t need to see these two wrestle for another minute ever. Putski, that son of a bitch, calls for one more minute. They brawl a bit. Raschke takes a powder. Long and boring. *3/4

Baron Mikel Scicluna vs. “High Chief” Peter Maivia. Maivia is making his MSG debut. His now-five year old grandson would later go on to some success in pro wrestling and Hollywood. Scicluna gets the jump on him. Maivia quickly rallies and kicks some ass. Scicluna tries to use an object, but fails. Maivia avoids Scicluna in the corner and pins him with a prawn hold in 1:08. It’s announced at 2:09, which is a lie. DUD

2/3 Falls: Dominic Denucci & Haystacks Calhoun vs. Mr. Fuji & Professor Toru Tanaka. Calhoun’s kayfabe hometown is Morgan’s Corner, Arkansas, which endears him to me. I know of all of these guys, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of them wrestle. Denucci and Tanaka brawl. Denucci applies a full nelson and allows Calhoun to hit a lackadaisical punch. Tanaka beats on Denucci a bit. Denucci fires back with Mongolian chops. Fuji tags in and hits a “Kamikazi Necktie” (think Sling Blade) for the pin in 3:06. Denucci makes a comeback as the second fall starts. Tanaka and Fuji double team Denucci in the corner. Calhoun comes in to help out, but only distracts the referee. We’ve got a curfew draw in 1:00 of the second fall! Calhoun comes in to beat the heels up for a bit, having never actually tagged in to the match. Fuji & Tanaka win the match, having won the only fall in a 2/3 falls match. 3/4*

And there’s another 1970s WWWF show from the Network. There’s one more show from the 70s, then we’ll move into the 80s.

Highlights of Big Show/Wade Barrett from last week, with the formation of the new Barrett/Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater/Ezekiel Jackson group.

Josh Matthews, Michael Cole, and Matt Striker are the announcers.

Wade Barrett, Ezekiel Jackson, Justin Gabriel, and Heath Slater come to the ring. Their group is called The Corre. They all introduce themselves. Teddy Long comes out to bitch at them for being assholes. Barrett tries to explain why the Corre is good for Smackdown. They banter for a bit. Teddy insists that they play by the rules, then leaves. Alberto Del Rio comes out to tell The Corre that they’re welcome here, but Smackdown is his show. He cuts his usual promo about it being his destiny to win the Royal Rumble. Insta-commercials.

Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto Del Rio.

Alberto Del Rio vs. R-Truth. Del Rio beats up Truth. Truth hits a clothesline and Del Rio bails. Truth beats him up on the outside. Back inside, Truth avoids an elbow drop and covers for 2. Truth works Del Rio’s arm. Cut to backstage, where Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero have found Teddy Long unconscious. Truth keeps beating up Del Rio. Truth hits an avalanche-style Frankensteiner, then clotheslines Del Rio out of the ring. Insta-commercials. Truth boots Del Rio in the face and goes to the middle rope. Del Rio pulls him down. Cover gets 2. Del Rio works Truth’s shoulder, then clamps on a rear chin lock. Del Rio beats on Truth. Cut to the back, where the paramedics are taking Teddy away. I spot Tony Garea. Truth makes his comeback and hits a front suplex for 2. Del Rio rallies and hits an enzuigiri for 2. Cole says Teddy Long has suffered trauma to the back of the head. Truth hits a hip toss. Rodriguez trips Truth. Del Rio pulls Truth’s arm over the top rope, then gets the Minoru Special for the submission (6:42 shown). This was pretty much just a backdrop for the angle with Teddy.

Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler come back into the office to find The Corre. They say they had nothing to do with what happened to Teddy and offer their assistance. She wants one of them to face Edge tonight and soften him up for Ziggler.

Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes. Rhodes grabs a side headlock, then hits a clothesline. Mysterio hits a flying headscissors. Rhodes gets the advantage and works Mysterio’s knee. Rhodes sends Mysteri outside. Mysterio avoids a baseball slide dropkick, then hits a drop toehold into the steps. Back inside, Mysterio hits the diving seated senton for 2. Mysterio hits a rebound cross body for 2. Rhodes hits a side Russian leg sweep for 2. Mysterio rallies and hits the 619 and a diving splash for the pin in 4:02. Fine little match. Rhodes looks to have a broken nose or something.

Todd Grisham tries to give an update on Teddy Long. Alex Riley interrupts. He and WWE Champion The Miz are on Smackdown tonight. Cole mizzes his pants.

Tonight, Edge vs. a member of The Corre!

The trainer tells Cody Rhodes that his nose is broken. Rhodes looks in the mirror and freaks out.

Non-Title Amateur Wrestling Challenge: Jack Swagger vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston. 3 minute time limit. Swagger gets a takedown. Kofi escapes. They keep doing boring amateur wrestling for a while. Swagger dominates. Kofi makes a comeback at the end, but Swagger wins 10-9. Swagger jumps Kofi after the match. Kofi kicks his ass, gives him the Trouble In Paradise, and hits a diving cross body, just because the crowd usually pops so big for it.

They show the brawl between Edge and Dolph Ziggler on The Cutting Edge last week.

Tonight, Edge vs. ?!

The announcer hype how the Smackdown ratings have gone up or something.

Trent Barreta vs. Drew McIntyre. They show Barreta’s upset victory over McIntyre last week and the subsequent backstage attack and whatever is going on with Drew and Kelly Kelly. McIntyre hits a belly to belly suplex, then pounds on Barreta. McIntyre hits a snap suplex for 2. Barreta rallies and hits a dropkick. Barreta goes for a springboard rana, but McIntyre turns it into a powerbomb. Cover gets 2. McIntyre hits a hip toss off the top rope for the pin in 2:07. McIntyre offers a handshake after the match, but Barreta decks him like a dick. McIntyre righteously kicks his ass. Kelly Kelly comes out and orders him to stop. Hey, Barreta had it coming this time! McIntyre tries to explain himself, but the dumb bimbo goes to check on Barreta instead. Sorry, but this is a case of the heel being right.

Tonight, Edge vs. ?!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley come out. Cole mizzes all over himself. Miz cuts a promo. They show him and Riley beating down Randy Orton on Raw. World Heavyweight Champion Edge comes out. They banter. Riley talks shit to Edge and gets speared. Miz acts like he wants to fight, then bitches down. The main event is NEXT!

Edge is in the ring. The Corre come out. Vickie Guerrero comes out and screeches in her horrible voice. Dolph Ziggler comes out to do commentary.

Non-Title: World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Justin Gabriel (w/ Wade Barrett, Ezekiel Jackson, & Heath Slater). Edge does some arm locks. Gabriel throws a forearm. This apparently pisses Edge off, because he starts kicking Gabriel’s ass. Edge hits the Edge-O-Matic for 2. Gabriel gets the advantage and beats up Edge. Edge rallies and sends Gabriel to the floor. Insta-commercials. Gabriel gets a 2 count on Edge. Gabriel hits a side Russian leg sweep and transitions into a weird hold. Gabriel hits an STO and goes up top. Edge wakes up and catches him with a dropkick. Edge gives Gabriel an Edge-O-Matic against the ropes. Edge goes up top. Gabriel cuts him off and goes for a superplex. Edge fights him off and hits a diving cross body for 2. Edge goes for the spear. Guys start getting on the apron. Edge decks Barrett and Slater, but Jackson gives Edge a lariat. Gabriel gets the pin (7:21 shown). That’s a hell of a lariat. Okayish match. The Corre surrounds Edge and commence to beating him down. They all give Edge their finishes and leave. Ziggler places a foot on Edge and stands tall as the show ends.

The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment! Awesome Raw open with current starts in an old style open. Pyro and ballyhoo! Old school logos, sirens, etc. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers and are in old school attire. Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Mean Gene Okerlund comes out to the old school interview podium. He introduces “Cowboy” Bob Orton Jr. He starts to introduce Randy, but Bob says he’s not there yet. Okerlund interviews Orton about his son’s chances at Survivor Series. He says something I didn’t catch that angers the crowd. Wade Barrett comes out and chastises him about being old and whatnot. The Miz and Alex Riley come out. Miz talks about being a dick last week and his Money In The Bank privilege. He says he might cash in tonight and fuck up the Survivor Series main event, somehow forcing Cena to stay in Nexus forever. John Cena appears on the screen and tells Miz that he’s not going to allow any such frivolities and challenges Miz to a match tonight. Miz accepts. Commercials. This is fun, with the old school set and music and all.

WWE.com plug.

Non-Title: WWE Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Mark Henry. OLD SCHOOL INSET PROMOS DURING ENTRANCES! Henry comes out to the Sexual Chocolate theme! Ziggler goes for the sleeper hold. Henry throws him out of the ring. Blue ring apron, posts, and steps! Red, white, and blue ring ropes! Old school logos on the turnbuckle pads! Referees wearing light blue shirts and bow ties! This rules. Henry beats up Ziggler. Ziggler fails to apply the sleeper hold again. Ziggler gets crotched on the top rope and falls to the floor. Sexual Chocolate leers at Vickie, then press slams Ziggler back into the ring. Ziggler dropkicks Henry’s knee and puts the boots to him. Ziggler beats up Henry. Henry hits a powerslam, but Ziggler gets a foot on the bottom rope. Ziggler avoids getting squashed by a big splash and hits a Fameasser for 2. Cole called it the Zig Zag because he’s mentally retarded. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for the pi… no, 2! Amazingly, Cole didn’t call it the Fameasser. Ziggler locks in a scissored sleeper and wins by referee stop in 4:27. The environment made this way more fun to watch than it should have been.

The Hart Dynasty chat backstage about working through their problems. They encounter Tony Atlas, who babbles about teaming with Rocky Johnson back in the day and rubs WD-40 onto his skin. Hilarious. Commercials.

Non-Title: WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater of The Nexus vs. The Hart Dynasty. Smith and Slater start with a great wrestling exchange. Gabriel throws some kicks, but Smith catches one and trips him. Smith beats up Gabriel. Smith hits ROLLING BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEXES for 2. Slater saves. Slater tags in. Smith powerslams him and hits a leg drop for 2. Smith goes for the running powerslam, but gets distracted by Gabriel. Slater gets the advantage on Smith. Nexus make quick tags and work Smith over. Smith goes to tag in Kidd, but Kidd TURNS HEEL and kicks him in the head! Gabriel hits the 450 splash on Smith for the pin in 3:05. The Hart Dynasty has finally collapsed!

Mean Gene Okerlund interviews WWE Champion Randy Orton (w/ his dad, “Cowboy” Bob Orton Jr.). R-Truth interrupts to tell him about how Cena is going to fuck him on Sunday. Orton says he’s going to kick Cena in the head tonight to keep that from happening. Commercials.

Random note: I also love the old school shirts everyone is wearing tonight.

Old school WWEShop.com plug with Mean Gene plugging old school merchandise!

Justin Roberts introduces Howard Finkel, who will be doing ring announcing for at least the next match. He’s still awesome. He should be doing ring announcing full time! He introduces The Brooklyn Brawler (w/ Harvey Whippleman)! They heel on the crowd and issue an open challenge to anyone from “the new school.” ZEKE accepts!

Tonight, John Cena vs. The Miz! Old school match graphics! Commercials!

The 5 lesser members of The Nexus are backstage. David Otunga says that somebody needs to deal with R-Truth. He calls himself “leader,” which Barrett overhears. Barrett tells Otunga that he’ll be the one facing R-Truth tonight. Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000. Shouldn’t they use an old computer for this? iBooker says Otunga already has a “special” match tonight, so Barrett will face R-Truth tonight. Barrett is fine with this. Harris says they have his back, but Barrett says he’ll handle this. John Cena comes in to talk about whatever. Barrett orders Harris and McGillicutty to have Cena’s back tonight. Cena declines. Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night, but it’s written OLD SCHOOL!

John Cena and The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) come out for their match. They show Miz screwing Randy Orton in the 10-man tag last week. Miz cuts a promo and sends Riley to fight in his stead.

John Cena vs. Alex Riley (w/ The Miz). They lock up. Cena hits a snap mare. Cole babbles about not knowing what year it is. Cena outclasses Riley some more. Riley lands an elbow smash. Miz decks Cena behind the referee’s back. Riley pounds on Cena. Cena fights back, but misses Riley in the corner and eats turnbuckle pads. Riley beats up Cena some more. Riley hits a move that we don’t see because the camera was focused on Miz for 2. Retarded camera work in this match. Cena makes his comeback. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, then locks in the STF for the win in 3:43. It was fine.

Randy Orton runs out and brawls with Miz. Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty jump Orton. Orton kicks their asses. Cena and Orton face off and brawl. The old school referees and officials (including Tony Garea!) break them up. Cole gets an email from the iBooker. Ugh. iBooker says that later tonight, Cena and Orton will be guests on Piper’s Pit! Thank God we don’t have to suffer through another Orton/Cena match tonight. Commercials!

The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment! They play that and the open again. I don’t know why, and I don’t care. It’s cool.

Cole and Lawler talk.

Howard Finkel introduces The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff! Volkoff sings the Soviet national anthem. In 2010. Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov come out. Kozlov wants to sing the Soviet anthem with Volkoff! They sing! This rules! Santino stops them because it’s awful. He wants to sing his own song. He brings out THE DOCTOR OF STYLE, SLICK! SLICK COMES OUT TO JIVE SOUL BRO! THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW EVER! Sheik babbles incoherently. I can’t believe they gave that man a live mic. The Usos come out. We’ve got a tag title #1 Contender match next. In the Usos’ corner will be JIMMY “SUPERFLY” SNUKA! Commercials.

WWE Tag Team Championship #1 Contenders Match: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Jimmy & Jey Uso (w/ Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka & Tamina). JIP. The Usos get the heat on Santino. Santino hits Jey with a judo throw and gator rolls him to the corner. Kozlov tags in and hits Jey with a fall away slam. Santino tags in and hits a slam thingy for 2. Kozlov tags back in and beats up Jey some more. Jimmy blind tags in and takes out Kozlov’s leg. Jimmy hits a jumping headbutt for 2. Jimmy hits a backdrop suplex for 2. Jimmy works a rear chin lock. Kozlov breaks free and knocks Jimmy across the ring with a battering ram headbutt. Jey tags in and cuts Kozlov off from making the tag. Santino gets knocked off the apron, then distracts the referee so his partner can get double teamed. The Usos work over Kozlov. Jimmy tries to knock Santino off again, but Santino decks him. Kozlov makes the hot tag to Santino, who runs wild on Jimmy. Confusion ensues. Actually, I think that’s Jey getting run wild upon. Santino hits the Cobra on Jey for the pin (about 5 1/2 minutes shown). This wasn’t any good.

Sheamus runs in, drops Kozlov and the Usos, and goes after Santino. Santino begs off. John Morrison appears, low bridges Sheamus out of the ring, and knocks him off the apron with an enzuigiri. Morrison says he keeps attacking Sheamus because Sheamus is a bully who will run away when confronted. He challenges Sheamus to fight. Sheamus does just as Morrison said he would and leaves.

Tonight, Piper’s Pit with Cena and Orton! Commercials!

The Survivor Series song is some crappy song by some crappy band.

David Otunga vs. Kofi Kingston. Inset promo from Kingston! Kingston lands some leg kicks, then grabs a side headlock. Otunga catches a cross body and slams Kingston. Otunga slams Kingston again. And again. Cover gets 2. Otunga grabs a headlock. Kofi fights out. Otunga hits what Cole calls an elbow but what looked to me like a back butt for 2. Otunga grabs a chin lock. Kofi fights back and starts his comeback. Double clothesline spot. George “The Animal” Steele comes out and teases eating the turnbuckle pad. The referee stops him, so he eats one in a different corner. Otunga is back on his feet and his like “WTF?” Kofi gets up and rams his head into the exposed turnbuckle, then hits the Trouble In Paradise for the pin in 4:50. Heh.

Gerald Brisco and Arn Anderson compliment John Morrison on dealing with Sheamus. Sheamus hits Morrison with the pump kick out of nowhere and accepts his challenge for a match… at Survivor Series. Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Aksana walks around backstage with the Million Dollar Championship. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan shows up to tell her that her mom is there. Huh? It’s Dusty Rhodes with a curly blond wig. He has Kelly Kelly drop a net on her. Goldust steals the Million Dollar belt back from her. He returns the belt to it’s rightful owner, “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase. Irwin R. Schyster promises to find him a good tax shelter. Dibiase tries to give the belt back to his son, Ted Dibiase Jr., but Jr. doesn’t want it. Cody Rhodes says “that ended far from dashing.” Goldust and Cody walk away. Dusty says “I raised some weird kids.” They play Dusty’s “Common Man” theme. Dusty, Tatanka, and Hacksaw dance. Ron Simmons sees this and says “DAMN!” Funny stuff.

Earlier tonight, SHIT WENT DOWN between John Cena and Randy Orton.

R-Truth and Eve Torres are headed our way! Commercials!

WWE.com plug.

“Promotional Consideration Paid For By The Following…” R.D. Reynolds just WrestleCrapped his pants.

R-Truth (w/ Eve Torres) vs. Wade Barrett. They brawl. Truth flips around and hits the break dancing kick. Truth clotheslines Barrett out of the ring and hits him with a somersault dive. Back inside, Truth goes up top. Barrett goes to cut him off. Truth jumps over him, but Barrett catches Truth with a sidewalk slam. Barrett his a suplex for 2. Barrett hits a diving elbow drop for 2. Barrett his a backbreaker for 2. John Cena and Randy Orton are both show watching backstage. Truth gets an inside cradle that we almost missed for 2. Barrett applies a rear chin lock. Truth makes his comeback and gets a fancy cradle for 2. Truth hits a front suplex for 2. Barrett avoids the scissors kick and goes for the Wasteland. Truth counters, but gets booted in the face. Barrett hits the Wasteland for the pin in 5:06. It was fine.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Sergeant Slaughter. Del Rio beats on Slaughter. Slaughter locks in the Cobra Clutch. Del Rio gets a rope break and elbows Sarge in the face. Del Rio hits a clothesline for 2. Del Rio applies a rear chin lock. Slaughter fights out. Del Rio beats him up some more. Sarge locks in the Cobra Clutch again. Del Rio backs him into the corner and breaks free, then whips Sarge into the corner and hits an enzuigiri for the pin in 1:54. It was what it was. Del Rio applies the cross armbreaker after the match. MVP comes out and runs off Del Rio.

Mean Gene plugs WWE merchandise again. Commercials.

Cole and Lawler talk. Cole is being a dick,

WrestleMania tickets went on sale last weekend!

Mean Gene Okerlund brings out Mae Young! She’s escorted by the Bella Twins. Poor thing. They show a really old black & white picture. Mae was a babe in her day. They show a video package on some of her exploits. Unified WWE Divas Champions Michelle McCool & Layla come out to be obnoxious bitches and ruin a feel good moment. Mae Young wants a match “with these sluts!” She’s a feisty old gal! “You little bitches, let’s go!” LayCool laugh. The bell rings. This is a real match! Falls count anywhere!

Howard Finkel introduces JIM ROSS to do commentary on the next match! YAY! Michael Cole is not happy about this.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger. It’s so good to hear J.R. again. Bryan and Swagger lock up. Awesome grappling. Danielson counters out of the ankle lock and lands a Mirko Cro Cop head kick. Cole needs to shut the fuck up and let J.R. talk. More awesome grappling on the mat. Danielson leapfrogs Swagger and lands a dropkick for 1. Danielson back flips over Swagger and gets booted in the face. Commercials. Cole needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP RUINING THE MOMENT. Jim Ross welcomes us back to Raw as Swagger has Bryan in a hold. Cole is BEING A FUCKING IGNORANT PRICK AND NEEDS TO FUCK OFF AND DIE. Swagger beats up Bryan. Swagger gator rolls Bryan out of the ring and pounds him on the apron. I’d give my right nut for the chance to punch Michael Cole in the face right now. Bryan low bridges Swagger out of the ring. COLE NEEDS TO FUCK OFF. Danielson lands a baseball slide dropkick, then hits a flying knee off the apron! STOP CUTTING TO COLE, YOU FUCKS! Back inside, Danielson hits a missile dropkick for 2. Bryan kicks the crap out of Swagger. Swagger catches his leg and goes for the ankle lock. Bryan flips Swagger into the corner, then misses Swagger in the corner and hurts himself. SHUT UP, COLE! Swagger hits a Vader Bomb for 2. Lawler finally tells Cole to “shut the hell up.” Swagger hits another Vader Bomb. He goes for the Doctor Bomb, but Danielson dead weights him and goes for the LeBell Lock. Swagger counters into a backbreaker. Danielson counters the Doctor Bomb again and lands the high kick for the pin in 10:44. Awesome match that even Cole’s retardation couldn’t ruin. Ted Dibiase Jr. appears and hits Bryan with the Dream Street, then poses with the United States title belt as his awful music plays. Maryse comes out just so they can leave together. Cole needs to fuck off and die.

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper comes out to do Piper’s Pit! He cuts a promo, then introduces John Cena. Piper bitches at Cena about disrespecting legends by possibly giving Wade Barrett the WWE Championship this Sunday. He urges Cena to do the ring thing. Cena replies at length about his respect for the legends. He says he’ll call the match right down the middle. That means he’s going to screw someone. Wade Barrett comes out and says that’s fine, because he doesn’t need help to win, but Cena is still fired if Barrett loses. Piper bitches Barrett out in awesome crazy old man style. Barrett bitches at Piper, then Cena. He forces Cena to put on a Nexus t-shirt. Why the hell is he just now doing that? Cena puts the shirt on, then tells Barrett he’s going to turn his face into mush on Sunday. Barrett says Nexus will kick Cena’s ass before he can hurt Barrett. WWE Champion Randy Orton comes out, talks to Cena for a minute, then beats up Barrett. Orton humps the mat. Cena intervenes before Orton can hit the RKO or come or whatever he’s trying to do. Orton RKOs Cena and goes for the PUNT OF DEATH. Barrett cuts him off. Cena avoids the punt and hits the Attitude Adjustment. Barrett orders Cena to raise his hand. Cena gives Barrett the Attitude Adjustment instead. He takes off the Nexus shirt and throws it on Barrett. Piper raises Cena’s hand to close the show. Why isn’t Miz cashing in right now while the getting is good?

I don’t care if most of the wrestling sucked (I say “most” because Bryan vs. Swagger was awesome), this show ruled!

Matt Hardy comes to the ring. They show his recent destruction at the hands of Drew McIntyre. McIntyre comes out. Hardy challenges McIntyre to make him go away. McIntyre says he’s untouchable because he’s Vince’s boy. Hardy challenges him to come in the ring and fight. They brawl. Referees separate them. McIntyre attacks Hardy from behind, stomps his head, and pounds him some more. Teddy Long comes out and orders McIntyre to stop. McIntyre attacks Hardy again. Long suspends him. McIntyre attacks Hardy again. Long fires him. McIntyre grabs Teddy’s suit, then decks Hardy again. Long tells security to take McIntyre out of the building. McIntyre yells that he’s untouchable. Long checks on Hardy. Referees and agents (including Ricky Steamboat and Tony Garea) escort McIntyre out of the building. McIntyre says “We’ll see who’s fired.” Trainers help Hardy.

Josh Matthews interviews Teddy Long. He doesn’t know what to say or do about anything, including the Intercontinental Championship.

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Luke Gallows (w/ CM Punk & Serena). Brawl. Gallows knocks MVP off the apron and into the barricade. Gallows beats up MVP on the outside, then back inside. Butterfly suplex gets 2. Gallows pounds on MVP some more. MVP makes his comeback. MVP hits the Ballin’ elbow and goes for the Playmaker. Serena distracts him. Gallows hits a move for 2. Rey Mysterio Jr. comes out and Pearl Harbors Punk and leaves through the crowd. MVP hits the Paydirt for the pin in 3:50. Nothing to see here. Commercials.

The Straight Edge Society is still in the ring. Punk calls out Mysterio. Mysterio comes out and notes that he just did to Punk what some masked guy has been doing to him lately. Punk says Mysterio wants to be saved. Mysterio wants to shave Punk’s head. Mysterio proposes that they wrestle at Over The Limit. If Punk wins, Mysterio joins the Straight Edge Society. If Mysterio wins, he shaves Punk’s head. Punk agrees. Mysterio suggests that they skip the match and both honor the stips tonight. Punk says no. Mysterio says Punk’s message is good, but the messenger is bad. They talk some more. Mysterio asks Punk why he doesn’t lead by example. Anyway, the match is on for the PPV.

Josh Matthews is with Teddy Long, who announces a 4-man tournament for the vacant Intercontinental Championship. The semifinals are Christian vs. Cody Rhodes and Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Tournament – Semifinal: Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler. They show Ziggler’s wonderful destruction of Hornswoggle from the Draft show. He should be awarded the belt, the Nobel Prize, and the Medal of Honor for that. They lock up. Ziggler hits a shoulder block. Kofi jumps around and drops Ziggler for 2. Kofi sends Ziggler out of the ring and hits a diving. Ziggler catches Kofi with a shot before Kofi can make it back in. Insta-commercials. Ziggler works a rear chin lock. Ziggler beats up Kingston. Cody Rhodes watches backstage. Striker makes a Prince Nana reference. Kofi hits his weird cradle out of nowhere for 2. Ziggler boots Kofi down and goes for the Flair pin, but Kofi kicks out. Ziggler hits an X Factor for 2. Ziggler goes back to the rear chin lock. Kofi fights up and hits a jawbreaker to escape it. Kofi hits the Boom Drop. Ziggler avoids the Trouble In Paradise and rolls through a cross body for 2. Ziggler locks in the sleeper hold. Kofi hotshots Ziggler into the ropes to break it, then hits the Trouble In Paradise for the pin (8:28 shown). Good little match.

Same “Last week” video from the opening, with last week’s main event segment (Swagger talking for hours, then getting KTFO’d by Big Show). Tonight, Swagger takes on Kane!

Hype for the Over The Edge card.

Christian and Heath Slater come out. The other semifinal is NEXT!

WWE Intercontinental Championship Tournament – Semifinal: Christian (w/ Heath Slater) vs. Cody Rhodes. They lock up. Rhodes with the early advantage. Christian does his stand on the ropes. Rhodes avoids the palm strike. Christian throws Rhodes out of the ring and hits a baseball slide dropkick, then fakes a dive. Rhodes catches Christian with a shot on the outside and sends him into the steps. Rhodes beats up Christian. Christian hits the springboard sunset flip for 2. Rhodes whips Christian into the turnbuckles, then dropkicks him into them. Insta-commercials. Rhodes reverses a suplex attempt and drops Christian with a front suplex. Rhodes hits a knee drop for 2. Rhodes stretches Christian against his knee. Rhodes hits a superplex. Christian catches Rhodes with an inside cradle for 2. Rhodes puts the boots to Christian. Christian slaps Rhodes, then clotheslines him and they both tumble out of the ring. Back inside, Rhodes covers for 2. Rhodes goes to the middle rope and dives. Christian catches him with a shot to the middle. Christian hits his weird rebound kick and a missile dropkick for 2. Rhodes avoids a diving cross body and gets an Oklahoma Roll for 2. Rhodes counters the Unprettier. Christian lands on his feet from a backdrop and hits the reverse DDT for 2. Christian jumps to the middle rope. Rhodes pulls him off. Rhodes hits a moonsault body block for 2. Christian sends Rhodes into the ring post and hits the Killswitch for the pin (9:59 shown). Really good match. Kingston vs. Christian for the title next week.

They show the same video from Superstars withe Hart Dynasty title win over Miz Show and Big Show KTFO’ing Miz, Jericho, Edge, and Swagger.

Savannah introduces the World Heavyweight Champion, Jack Swagger! Swagger starts to repeat all of his achievements. Insta-commercials.

Swagger continues talking. Kane finally interrupts.

Non-Title: World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. Kane. Swagger tries an amateur take down, but Kane elbows him in the face. Swagger takes him down and we get the bizarre spectacle of Kane doing amateur wrestling. The Big Show comes out (HE SUITED UP!) to join the commentary team. Swagger attacks Kane. He does fine until Kane catches him with a shot when Swagger comes off the turnbuckles. Kane hits the diving lariat. Kane goes for the chokeslam, but Swagger counters and sends Kane into the turnbuckle, which somehow got exposed. Swagger is DQ’d in 5:11. Swagger holds the belt up to taunt Show, then turns around into a big boot from Kane. Kane disassembles the announce table. Swagger counters him and rams him into the post. Show chokeslams Swagger through the announce table. Show poses with the belt.

This show was really lame, except for the Intercontinental Title tournament matches. Christian/Rhodes was really good.

Batista comes out and cuts a promo. Cena beating him was a fluke, nobody will remember WrestleMania (WTF?), etc. etc. Crowd chants “YOU TAPPED OUT!” He did. Batista wants his rematch. He says Cena can’t beat him, despite the fact that Cena beat him clean as a sheet last night. The NEW WWE Champion John Cena comes out. Cena says he beat Batista at WrestleMania. He did. Crowd chants “CENA SUCKS!” He makes fun of Batista for tapping out, then offers Batista his rematch TONIGHT! Cena says Batista will bitch out and refuse the match tonight. Batista bitches out and refuses the match tonight. They brawl for a second, then Batista bails. Jack Swagger ambushes Cena with the briefcase and says he’s cashing in Money In The Bank! Cena comes back to life and goes for for the STF. Swagger bails, changes his mind, grabs the briefcase, and leaves.

Shawn Michaels moment: The Rockers make their WWF debut against the Rougeau Brothers.

Legends Lumberjack Match: Christian vs. Ted Dibiase Jr. JIP. Christian hits his diving sunset flip for 2. They slap each other. Christian throws Dibiase out of the ring and the lumberjacks throw him back in. Dibiase counters Christian’s tornado DDT and lands a kick to the face for 2. Dibiase clamps on a rear chin lock. Christian escapes and hits a missile dropkick for 2. Dibiase goes for the Dream Street, but Christian counters. Christian hits his corner kick and the diving European uppercut, then goes for the Killswitch. Dibiase counters and clotheslines him, taking them both of the ring. The lumberjacks throw them in, then start brawling amongst themselves. Christian hits the Killswitch for the pin (about 3 minutes shown). This was fun. Dibiase Sr. comes in the ring to help his son up. Dibiase Jr. shoves him and leaves. Major boos for that.

Clark Duke and Rob Corddry are backstage talking. Santino Marella randomly walks by, says something, and leaves. Duke and Corddry get in a hot tub with the very hot Bella Twins, the very hot Rosa Mendez, and the very hot Tiffany. They agree to give whoever can stay in the longest a future Divas Championship match. They drink champagne. Whatever.

Triple H comes out to the stage and cuts an emotional promo about his friend, Shawn Michaels. He says he has something to say to Shawn that he’s never said before. Sheamus clobbers Triple H from behind with a lead pipe and we don’t get to hear Hunter profess his homosexual love for Michaels.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Beth Phoenix, Mickie James, Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly, & Eve Torres vs. WWE Women’s Champion Michelle McCool, WWE Divas Champion Maryse, Vickie Guerrero, Alicia Fox, & Layla. Great, have a rematch of the worst match on the show. Eve and Maryse yell at each other. Maryse poses and looks FINE. Eve schoolgirls her for the pin in 21 seconds. Vickie yells at the faces. They take her jacket off an she bails. The heels jump the faces, but the faces clean house. Quick and painless. All divas matches should be this long.

Bret Hart comes out. He puts over Shawn Michaels and wishes him the best in his future endeavors. He talks some more. He has an awesome shirt on that has a photo of him and Owen wrestling. He thanks the fans. The Unified Tag Team Champions The Big Show & The Miz come out. Miz insults Bret and puts himself over. He’s the Tag champion and the United States Champion, people should be talking about him, etc. He says he’s 1-0 at Mania, only 17 wins away from tying Undertaker’s streak. Everybody laughs. He calls Bret and his family overrated. Bret challenges them to make him leave. The Hart Dynasty come out to back up Bret. Miz Show bail. Bret challenges them to come back and wrestle the Hart Dynasty. Miz is ready to go, but has to talk Show into it. Commercials!

WrestleMania!

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Big Show & WWE United States Champion The Miz vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Bret Hart & Natalya). JIP. Smith hits the stall suplex on Miz. Miz catches Smith with a kick, then gets clotheslined out of the ring. Smith backdrops Kidd out of the ring to wipe out Miz. Kidd chases Miz around the ring. Show tags in. Kidd goes right after him, but is overcome. Show Miz get heat on Kidd. Smith gets the hot tag and runs wild on Miz. Springboard Hart Attack on Miz. Kidd locks Miz in the Sharpshooter. Show yells at Miz for not listening to him, then pulls Miz out of the ring. Show Miz leave and get counted out (about 4 minutes shown). It was good for what it was. I hope this leads to the Harts getting a title shot.

Shawn Michaels moment: DX.

WWE Rewind: Money In The Bank Ladder Match from last night.

The hosts and the divas are still in the hot tub. The divas look bored. Tiffany and Rosa get creeped out and leave. Their co-star Craig Robinson appears on the TV and tells the Bellas they win, then sends Mark Henry to get in the tub with them. In a speedo. Gross. Hornswoggle is snorkeling in the tub. At least the chicks were hot.

Earlier tonight, Sheamus killed Triple H with a lead pipe.

Jack Swagger comes out and cuts a promo about his briefcase. The main event is next, I assume.

Batista & Jack Swagger vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Randy Orton. So I guess Orton is officially babyface now. Cena and Swagger lock up. Cena hits the Fisherman’s suplex, then tags in Orton. Orton does the Garvin Stomp to Swagger. VINTAGE ORTON! Orton humps the mat. Swagger bails. Commercials. The bad guys get the heat on Cena. Swagger hits the springboard Vader Bomb for 2. Batista hits the spinebuster and goes for the Batista Bomb, but Cena backdrops his way free and makes the hot tag. Swagger tags in as well. Orton runs wild on him. Orton hits the powerslam and then the 3.0. Cover, but Batista saves. Batista spears Cena. Orton RKOs Batista, then RKOs Swagger for the pin in 8:05. Fine match. Orton celebrates.

Justin Roberts introduces Shawn Michaels. Before Michaels can speak, The Undertaker comes out to the stage, tips his hat to Michaels, and leaves. Shawn says he doesn’t know what to say. Crowd chants “PLEASE DON’T GO!” Shawn talks about his career. They show and old lady crying. Crowd chants “THANK YOU SHAWN!” Shawn talks for a bit more. He says he’s reluctant to thank people for fear of forgetting someone, but he does thank Triple H for being his friend. He puts over the cameramen, production crew, announcers, and Adam the video package guy. The crowd ridiculously chants “ONE MORE MATCH!” Shawn says he knows how people feel about career ending matches, and he doesn’t want to go back on his word. He thanks Bret Hart and says he drove Bret crazy in the 90s and that Bret had every right to say everything he’s ever said about Shawn. He thanks Bret for forgiving him, etc. etc. He puts over Vince McMahon and thanks the fans, then puts over Jesus. Can’t go wrong there. He says to his wife and kids “Daddy’s comin’ home.” He finishes by saying “‘The Heartbreak Kid’ Shawn Michaels has left the building. I apologize for the shitty job I did of recapping this segment. When he makes it to the top of the ramp. Triple H appears and they do all but make out. Fin.