Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Chapters Ten-Twelve: In Which Hard-On is EVERYWHERE

THESE CHAPTER SYNOPSES ARE BASED ON THE PRINT BOOK PUBLISHED BY SIMON & SCHUSTER, NOT THE WATTPAD VERSION.

CHAPTER 10

We last left our heroine Mother Theresa balling her eyes out because Hard-On told her she wasn't his type. Oh, the horror! This leads her to the conclusion that she hates college so far, and she wonders many things, like

"Why couldn't I just get a roommate who was more like me?"

Because, honestly, if you were BOTH virginal assholes, I think it would suffocate both of you in your dorm and spread to the rest of the floor. This girl is so afraid of change; why did she even want to go to college in the first place. Oh, wait, because it's what her mother wanted.

"I certainly don't belong hanging out with these type of people."

And by these type of people, you mean...what? Partiers? Frat boys? Tattooed heathens? Normally functioning college students as a whole? Seriously, expand your circle.

"He's such a mystery to me; why must he always be such a jerk?"

Ah it begins: the innocent girl wants to break down the mysterious walls of the jerky bad boy to find that he is in fact sweet at heart, but acts like a jerky bad boy because he's so damaged. But as I've said before, I think both of these characters are rotten to their core, so she's not going to find much under the bad boy facade that's likely to change.

She thinks back to his unexpected bookcase, and the books within them:

"There is no way a rude, disrespectful, tattooed jerk like Hard-On could possibly enjoy those amazing works."

For those alcoholics still playing along, that's two more shots for both calling him rude and talking about his tattoos in a bad light.

Just because a guy reads, it doesn't make him a better person. I think Tessa is proof enough of that.

"The only thing I can picture him reading is the back of a beer bottle."

Now, while I'm inclined to agree, Tessa still hasn't seen him drunk. If he was intoxicated and belligerent, I'd understand, but he's seemed pretty lucid at this party so far. If you're going to judge someone, Tessa, at least get your facts straight.

"The more I think about my decisions tonight, the more frustrated and stressed I become."

You and me both, dear. You and me both.

She wonders what to do, and notices that both Nate and...Zedd are nowhere to be found. Oh... When did we start caring about where Zedd was? I guess he's just a character that appears in the text only when Tessa needs him.

"Maybe I should just find a random bedroom upstairs and sleep on the floor."

Don't tease me with the idea of you sleeping on a grimy frat-house-bedroom floor and then snatch it away from me!

Also, maybe you should go back to Steph? You know, the passed out girl that you left in a douchebag's bedroom with said douchebag still in it? Oh, but wait, I forgot that she's not your friend and you're a total bitch.

Tessa instead finds a bathroom, but she uses it to call Golden Boy. He answers her call sleepily, asking if she's okay since she's calling him so late. She answers:

"'Yes. No.'"

Eloquence is obviously a big part of who Tessa is.

But, seriously, Tessa called him, not the other way around, and it was specifically to bitch about what a shitty time she's having, so why does she start the phone call off with a lie?

She explains where she's been, and Golden Boy replies:

"'A party? With that red-headed girl?' [Tessa explains that, yes, with Steph, but she's passed out] 'Whoa, why are you even hanging out with her? She's so just not someone you would ever hang around with.'"

My first complaint about this interaction is directed at Anna Todd: WHO THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT TALKS LIKE THIS? NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS!

My second complaint is directed at Golden Boy: Where the hell do you get off telling Tessa who she does and does not hang out with. Also, Steph is only a sophomore in college; she clearly doesn't know her limit yet, which is why she passed out. Plus, Steph has plenty of people looking after her even if you count Tessa out, which I always do. I'm almost starting to feel bad for Tessa because she doesn't seem to be able to control anything in her life, and when she does, she's criticized for it.

But then she does something stupid and I hate her again, and all becomes right with the world.

Even Tessa admits that what Golden Boy said was kind of harsh, although only in the context that he should've been reassuring her that it would all be okay, and only in her own head. She doesn't stick up for Steph when he called her a red-headed vixen; no, she just wants him not to judge HER so much for being associated with aforementioned red-haired vixen.

Their stimulating conversation is thankfully interrupted.

"...but right then the door handle jingles and I sit up."

I think... I think she meant jiggles. Not jingles.

I imagined the jingle bells on Santa's sleigh from The Polar Express movie. It's the first time this book had made me feel anything but white-hot anger.

My Holiday cheer is dashed quickly, though.

Before opening the door, she wipes at her eyes and smudges her eyeliner.

"This is exactly why I don't wear this stuff."

Really? Is crying seriously the only reason you don't wear it? She must cry a lot for this to be a main reason, if not the reason, she doesn't wear makeup.

If you remember, Ana from FSoG had a similar reaction to makeup, and Bella never wore any makeup either. UGH.

She opens the door after the person starts banging on it, and the chapter ends with this great puzzler:

"But I stop as glaring green eyes pour into mine."

One guess who it is (your clue is: because fan fiction)...

Okay, something new to add to the drinking game: anytime a chapter ends with a mysterious someone appearing, and that mysterious someone is Hard-On.

It's always Hard-On.

Also, his eyes poured into hers? I feel like Anna Todd is writing down what she thinks she's heard and read, but she's getting it wrong. Like, with "jingles" she meant jiggles, and with pour she means bore. But, wait, I forgot she's not an actual writer. Maybe if she read over her work a couple times after writing it, she'd realize how stupid she sounds.

CHAPTER 11

"As I look into those amazing green eyes, I suddenly realize that I hadn't previously noticed their color before."

Hadn't previously before noticed their color before previously?

So, they're not glaring anymore, they're amazing? This girl's mood swings are giving me whiplash (why, yes, that is a Twilight reference. How deft of you to notice).

I had to read the first ten chapters back over again and found that this was in fact the first time she's noticed his green eyes. I mean, he rolls them at her enough, so I just assumed... But, of course I forgot that she's extremely narcissistic and is only noticing them now because she's starting to think that he's the hottest thing since sliced bread.

Steph also has green eyes...weird...

"'Hard-On, please. I am begging you, if you have one decent bone in your body you will leave me be. Just save whatever mean comment you are going to say for tomorrow. Please.'"

Tessa ain't taking no shit no mo'.

More importantly, Todd's disuse of contractions is KILLING ME. Seriously, no one talks like this!

Hard-On decides not to be an ass for a second by telling her that she can sleep in the same room that he took an unconscious Steph into, and Tessa takes this moment to remind us to drink another shot:

"What the hell was that? Hard-On without any rude comments?"

Even when he's sort of trying to be decent, his previous behavior overshadows it all.

More than that: she assumes it means he's going to come back with a vengeance the next day, and she thinks,

"He's probably got a planner for all his snide comments like I do for classwork, and I'm sure I'll be on his agenda tomorrow."

A planner? Like the one that magically appeared in your room? Man, I want to go to this school!

This analogy made me shake my head in shame. It's like a word-a-day thing, but with guidelines on how to be a asshat. Both Hard-On and Tessa definitely subscribe.

Tessa reflects on this room she's been banished to by Hard-On, whose room is so much larger and more luxurious, and she wonders,

"Maybe he's the leader or something?"

The leader?

Hard-On could totally pass as a Lost Boy. In fact, how about he just goes to Neverland now and never comes back. Then we can all go home happy.

The chapter ends with Tessa falling asleep; this has happened at least twice now, so here's another something new to add to the drinking game: anytime a chapter ends with Tessa falling asleep. I'm updating the rules at the bottom of the posts for anyone who's following along.

CHAPTER 12

It's morning! Tessa has weathered the storm of her first college party! And what a whirlwind night we've had, ladies and germs.

The first thing Tessa notices is that Steph is still asleep and "snoring unattractively."

...

...

I can't wait until this girl's judging tendencies come to bite her in the ass. Because when she drinks so much that she throws up and passes out, I'm going to be laughing my ass off.

She gets up without waking Steph, which is kind of nice that she's thinking about someone besides herself for a change. Going downstairs, she takes in the chaos and mayhem of passed-out drunks and littered post-party floors, and thinks to herself:

"This will take the whole house all day to clean up."

Do you mean the actual house is going to clean itself? Because, if so, I want to find out how I can buy one of these houses, and also makes me wonder how a frat house at a Washington university could've possibly managed to get one. They must have some serious alumni backing them financially.

And assuming I know what Todd means: let's be real, the only people in that house that are going to clean it are some of the frat guys and Tessa if she stays long enough. The kind of frat guys who throw ragers are not the type to do much cleaning afterward.

"I turn around and find Hard-On entering the kitchen."

Holy crap, fucking go away, Hard-On!

Literally this guy is everywhere all the time. Because fan fiction.

In fact, take a shot any time something happens in this book simply for the reason that it's fanfiction (don't worry, I'll tell you when this is so you don't have to guess).

After everything that went on the night before, I expected Tessa to have more important things to ask Hard-On. Sadly, she lets me down once again, asking,

"'Does Nate live here too?'"

SIGH. Who the hell cares?

And when Hard-On doesn't answer, she demands to know if Nate lives there and tells him she won't leave the house until he tells her. Honestly, what does it matter? I think she's getting frustrated that he's always so cold to her, but, of course, Todd doesn't come to this conclusion.

She then asks Hard-On if there's a bus station nearby, and I find myself enjoying his asshatedness:

"'Yep, about a block away.'

I follow him around the kitchen. 'Could you tell me where it is?'

'Sure, it's about a block away.' The corners of his mouth lift, Taunting me."

HA!

I now realize that I don't hate Hard-On nearly as much as I hate Tessa.

After they have their little tête-à-tête, Tessa goes back upstairs to get Steph.

"I go wake up Steph, who wakes up surprisingly easily and smiles at me. I'm grateful that she's just as ready to get out of this damned fraternity house."

Did she wake up? Is she awake? I wasn't sure. And was it surprisingly easily? UGH THAT'S NOT A THING TODD. NOT A THING!

I'm not sure where Todd got her intel about how people act when they're hungover, but they don't wake up easily, and they most certainly do not wake up smiling at the people that woke them. Did you even go to college, bro?

I'm also wondering how Tessa could tell from a single smile that Steph was just as ready to get out of there as she was. They definitely don't know each other well enough for her to make that type of assumption. Tessa's made it abundantly clear that they aren't friends.

Tessa tells Steph what Hard-On told her about the bus station, and Steph get's all sassy on our asses. As soon as she tells Hard-On that he's taking them home, he quickly obliges. So, all in all, I'm Team Steph right now. She's got her shit figured out.

On the drive back, Todd further shows her naivete about hangovers by describing Steph as singing along to metal songs.

Yeah, no.

Hard-On, on the other hand...

"Silent the whole way, he mindlessly drums his long fingers on the steering wheel. Not that I was paying attention."

So much wrong with this.

If he's drumming his fingers, he's not being silent. He's clearly making a sound. Also, I imagine his long fingers stretching like Mr. Fantastic's do [sadly, I couldn't find a gif or video to orchestrate this]. So I guess the question is if he's a freak and a villain, or just a misunderstood mutant.

And of course she's paying attention, but Todd has to say the opposite because even this mundane car ride needed some drama injected into it.

Actually, because fan fiction. DRINK MUTHAFUCKAS!!!!!

This chapter ends with Hard-On calling her Theresa again. Geez, when will this boy learn!

In fact, take a sip of something alcoholic every time he calls her Theresa. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right.

When to take a shot or take a sip of something alcoholic:

Tessa calls someone or something rude or boy.

And if it's rude boy... double shot.

Tessa refers to tattoos in a bad light

The chapter ends with a mysterious someone appearing, and that mysterious someone is Hard-On.

The chapter ends with Tessa falling asleep.

Tessa judges Steph without warrant.

Every time something in the plot happens and I say, "because fanfiction" or any variation thereof.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Search This Blog

ABOUT US

"READING THIS SHIT SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO."

The truth is that we'd rather not tell you our names. We've read enough horror stories about authors going after people. The synopses of the After series will remain on here, and possibly on a Twitter account that one of us will create, which is separate from our own. We may change our minds on this, but for now anonymity sounds fantastic. We hope you enjoy!