The Mommy Chronicles: One Small Red Lego

Why do we desire whatever belongs to someone else?

My son was sitting in one corner, reading a book (the book was upside down, but he was enjoying it anyway). My daughter was in the other corner having a tea party with some dolls. I was sitting on the couch making a shopping list and enjoying the respite. I sneezed. He picked up his head and looked my way. She too looked directly at me. We all smiled. Then, they both saw it… a small red Lego. It lay on the floor, alone as all of the others had been put away. The open tub of building blocks was right next to it, but the lone red one was calling them. They looked at each other, then quickly back at the coveted toy, then at each other, and the race was on….

"My Lego!!! My Lego!" she yelled, as she threw her beloved dolls out of the way and scrambled to her feet. "No! No!! Mine, mine!!" he disputed, the book forgotten on the ground as he pulled himself across the floor (my kids weren't much for crawling and did more of a scoot with one foot tucked under and one foot out to the side). She arrived first and threw herself on top of it. He arrived shortly thereafter and attempted to remove her and stake his claim.

Perhaps they didn't see the large tub of Legos right there next to the red one. I began building a fortress around the warring parties with all of the Legos from the tub. Still they fought. I sang a little song as I continued to build. This did not get their attention. I used the red ones around the top of my castle so that they would surely notice all of the identical duplicates of their cherished treasure. Cries of ownership still continued, as did the grabbing. Alas, I was forced to remove the troublesome toy from my daughter's grasp and place it out of reach in the closet with the other toys that had suffered the same fate.

With hundreds to choose from, it's obvious that the appeal of that one red Lego is the fact that someone else wants it. Normal fare for the three and under crowd, but imagine how that scene would have looked if it were two grownups in a supermarket aisle fighting over the last package of seedless grapes. Seems ludicrous? Remember the Tickle Me Elmo shortage? How about Cabbage Patch dolls?

The desire to have what belongs to someone else is one of the basic premises behind the strategies of Madison Avenue. Advertisers know that we are more interested in things that other people want (or have). Children are particularly susceptible to this as they do not understand how marketing works. But we do, right?

What's the big deal?

Judaism calls it coveting, and it's such a big deal that it gets top billing. You can find it referenced right there in the Big Ten, second column, last line.

What's the antidote?

"Who is rich? One who is satisfied with his lot" (Ethics of Our Fathers, 4:1). The Torah teaches us that wealth is a state of mind. Be happy with what you have. Anyone can be rich. Our perception of our needs is a greater factor in determining our happiness than how much stuff we have or the circumstances of our lives. If we think we need what someone else has, we perceive ourselves as lacking, and happiness will allude us. If we recognize that we have EXACTLY what we need, we are rich, in the sense that happiness and satisfaction with our lives are sure to follow.

EXACTLY what we need?

Don't we all need just a little something? A better job? A slimmer waistline? That one red Lego? How do we develop a greater sense of satisfaction with what we have versus focusing on what we perceive ourselves to lack?

Coveting is like saying that God isn't all powerful or all knowing.

One way is to concentrate on the giver. God is the ultimate giver. Every morning when I wake up He gives me my life. He is constantly aware of my needs and knows better than anyone, including myself, what they are. He loves me and only wants what's best for me. Nothing can stop him from carrying out his plan. He is with me my whole life and has a great track record of showering me with kindness. No one else can help me or hurt me as God is the only true power over me. God gives even when I don't deserve it. (Duties of the Heart)

Coveting is like saying that God isn't all powerful or all knowing. Thinking that I'm supposed to have that new car my neighbor just parked in his driveway assumes one of the following:

If we find ourselves desiring things that are not in our immediate reach, we can remind ourselves that God doesn't make mistakes. We don't have what we desire because we aren't supposed to. It isn't part of the divine plan, even if it is part of ours. And if our plan for ourselves is out of synch with God's plan for us, we are in for a lot of pain. A life focused on unfulfilled wishes and desires is going to be an unhappy life.

Does that mean we should give up on the unattainable red Lego? If we were meant to have it, wouldn't God gift wrap it and send it to us?

That's not how it works most of the time (lottery tickets notwithstanding). Some things are out of reach so that we'll be motivated to grow. All of the matriarchs were initially barren because God wanted them to pray for children. If we truly need something in order to do our job in this life, God will add it to our bag of tricks at the right time. In the meantime, we get to choose how we deal with the hand we've been dealt.

Once we realize there is purpose in what we have and what we don't have, we can learn to deal with our disappointments in a productive fashion. We can accept our lot and move on or get motivated and change our situation. Either way, recognizing that our life's circumstances are for our benefit will give us the correct attitude towards them and make happiness more attainable. This works even if we don't see or understand how our circumstances are for our ultimate good. It's the attitude that makes the difference.

My kids must have realized that not getting the red Lego was a blessing in disguise. They were easily appeased. Once the object of their desire was out of sight, or more accurately out of the other's possible possession, they returned to their previous activities. My daughter rearranged her dolls and started playing school and my son picked up a new book and began to look through it. I was exhausted. They didn't even seem fazed by what had just happened. If only grownups could move on so quickly when things don't work out as they would have liked.

Visitor Comments: 6

This is an excellent articile....fambulous....have you sent it to the editors of magazines? I would suggest you do...Perhaps, Oprah, Moneysense, all Parenting Magazines.

good luck, let me know what happens!
Veronica

(5)
Miryam,
September 28, 2004 12:00 AM

great article!

I love this article, everything it says is so true!

(4)
orah,
September 1, 2004 12:00 AM

chovot alevavot

B'SD
I LOVE THIS ARTICLE &I RECOGNIZED RIGHT AWAY PARTS TAKEN FROM MY FAVORITE BOOK(MY FIRST MUSAR BOOK,I ACTUALLY MOLDED MYSELF WITH IT 17 YEARS AGO,WHEN I BECAME OBSERVANT)
CHOVOT ALEVAVOT...

IF I REMEMBER RABEINU BACHIEI SAY ALSO THAT THE REASON PEOPLE ARE UNHAPPY IS BECAUSE THEY WANT MORE'THAN THEIR SHARE & THEY TRY TO PUT OSTACLE TO OTHERS AS WELL NOT TO GET WHAT THEY DESERVE,& MAKING EVERYBODY MISERABLE ALONG THEIR WAY...POOR GUYS...
AS THIS ARTICLE NOTES THE ONLY WAY TO ENJOY LIFE IS JUST BY LIVING IT WITH FULLY UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE & WITHOUT LOOKING AT ALL AT THE OTHERS STAFFS,UNLESS OF COURSE IS TO OFFER SOME HELP...
I FEEL AGAIN THAT THIS ISSUE IS RELATED TO BITACHON,IF YOU TRUST HASHEM THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS OR YOU HAVE IS FOR YOUR BEST INTERES,& EVEN THE LOVE YOU HAVE(LIKE FAMILY & FRIENDS )IS FROM HASHEM DIRECTED ,YOU'LL FEEL LEAST STRESSED OR not AT ALL..(CH. ALV.)

(3)
Janae Hall,
September 1, 2004 12:00 AM

jexactly what i needed to hear

wow! exactly what I needed to hear today - have been through a lot lately and a little down, very discontent. kept telling HIM, i'm miserable, what is wrong with me? help me get through this - and he led me to your article. surprise!-i've been coveting the red lego! and it isn't really what i need right now. so i will wait on HIM and what HE wants for me. thank you so much for reminding me, for opening my eyes back up.

(2)
Moshe,
August 29, 2004 12:00 AM

Great story, very funny!

Great story, very funny!

(1)
anonymous,
August 29, 2004 12:00 AM

i hear you.....

Yes,
the red lego exists in my house, too...there is something that i learn all of the time in messillas yesharim shiur...it says that when i covet something, i feel as though Hashem has given me nothing.
We tend to focus on the desired object and nothing else....scary , but true.....
it makes us see nothing of what we have and we that is such a shame.....
thank you for a wonderful article

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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