Case Number 18058

Hot Moves

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson has so many hot moves he's considered a lethal weapon in much of the Western Hemisphere.

The Charge

To make it in this world, you've got to have hot moves!

Opening Statement

Before there was American Pie
there was Hot Moves, another tale of four high school dorks trying to
lose their virginity at all costs.

Facts of the Case

Barry, Michael, Joey, and Scotty seem to live a relatively decent life. They
hang out at a bowling alley, live in a warm climate where beautiful women wander
the beach wearing next to nothing, and have relatively few worries outside of
their extreme horniness. But apparently that's just too much to bear, so one day
they decide to make a pact to help each other score the first carnal encounter
that has so dominated their thought processes.

The Evidence

Vintage '80s teen sex comedy trash. That's where Hot Moves can proudly
hang its hat. This is the kind of stuff that used the frequent the USA Up All
Night airwaves, films detailing the moronic escapades of kids who were under
the spell of their libidos and the eventual sleazy fallout from their lack of
self-control. But that's the charm to these goofy endeavors and Hot Moves
runs with it.

Let us consult the checklist:

Hapless young male protagonists Check. These guys have the
collective IQ of a bag of Cheetos. One of those small, lunch-sized bags. Their
genius attempts at getting all sexed up: underpaying a hooker, burning down the
house of a slutty waitress, and falling for the old man-dressed-as-a-woman
gag.

The fat idiot Check. As played by Michael Zorek, the fat idiot
in Private School—another
sterling example of an '80s trash teen sex comedy. Whereas in that movie he was
an irritating, barely functional moron, in Hot Moves he's a bit more
even-keel. Still fat and idiotic, though.

Weird, pointless nudity Check. There's the extended make out
scene with disrobing all over the place, but probably what Hot Moves is
best known for is the extended nude beach scene. Our heroes make their way to
this beach with a telescope and settle in for a montage of women running around
in slow motion and playing volleyball.

Filler Check. Nothing like some runtime padding, and the
filmmakers stuff Hot Movies with neverending sequences of break dancing,
weightlifting, and more break dancing. Cut out the fluff and Hot Moves
clocks in at a solid 12 minutes.

Code Red has bundled all this goodness in a nifty DVD. The video quality
(1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen) is solid, especially considering the age of the
materials, and the 2.0 stereo adequately transmits the godforsaken soundtrack.
Extras: commentary with the cast and crew, and interviews.

Closing Statement

If you're hankering for a hit of old-school, nipple-enhanced tomfoolery,
Hot Moves should have you covered. Just be prepared to watch a lot of
break dancing.