What To Stream (And What Not To Stream) On An Airplane

There’s a whole list of things you have to do to prepare for a flight. Are your toiletries in three-ounce containers and contained within a quart-sized Ziploc bag? Have you managed to fit all of your clothes in one carry-on-sized bag? Did you remember to bring that weird neck pillow thing you keep in the back of your closet? Most importantly: how are you going to entertain yourself on the plane?

Because reading books and magazines is for NERDS, you’re likely preparing by loading up your tablet or laptop with movies. But what will you watch? There’s at least one basic rule I don’t need to elaborate on (duh, do not watch anything in which a plane crashes), but what about the intricacies of in-flight movie-watching? Below are some helpful dos and don’ts to help you decide.

Don't Stream: Anything too sexual.

Photo: 20th Century Fox; Courtesy Everett Collection

This should be a no-brainer. Look, the unfortunate truth about air travel is that you’re surrounded by people. Chatty old folks, screaming babies, jerks who insist on reclining their seat all the way back. It’s an uncomfortable experience for everyone, and the most anyone can do is avoid doing anything that will make it worse. So, naturally, don’t watch anything that is going to feature a lot of sex. The in-flight entertainment usually edits it out (a real disappointment for me on a recent flight when three people around me watched Gone Girl and I completely missed Ben Affleck‘s penis three times), but even if you have a laptop, a tablet, or a smart phone (put it on airplane mode!), it’s just best to leave your soft-core sex scenes down on the ground.

Do Stream: Anything that's violent.

Photo: Lions Gate; Courtesy Everett Collection

You know how I just said three people on a recent flight watched Gone Girl on all sides of me? Well, though there was a woeful lack of Affleck’s penis, I did get to watch Neil Patrick Harris get murdered over and over and over again. For some reason, that was not edited out from the in-flight entertainment one bit. Casual, non-sexual nudity is a big no-no, but bloody murder is totally fine! What a weird world we live in.

Don't Stream: Anything that's emotionally exhausting.

Photo: Sony Pictures Classics; Courtesy Everett Collection

You’re already on a plane, flying 30,000 feet above the earth in a pressurized metal and plastic chamber that you have to share with a couple hundred strangers. How about you don’t make it harder on yourself. Take it from me, a guy who foolishly watched Whiplash on a flight about two weeks ago and nearly had a jazzy panic attack brought on by Academy Award winner J.K. Simmons‘ screaming.

Do Stream: Something that's terrible, but comfortable.

Photo: Walt Disney; Courtesy Everett Collection

You know what I’m talking about: the garbage that make you feel safe and cozy. Watch a Disney movie. Watch an old TV show. Hell, watch some home videos if you’ve got ’em — but only the ones in which you look super cool and now the one in which you’re (and this is completely hypothetical) dancing on a picnic table and singing Whitney Houston while your parents cheer you on, eager to use this as blackmail during your rebellious and awkward teen years. Or, you know, watch a Disney movie. Those are safe.

Don't: Watch something you'll have to pay attention to.

A friend recently returned from Los Angeles, and the first thing she said about her trip was, “Ugh, I watched Boyhood on my flight back and it was TERRIBLE.” “Well, duh!” I replied. “You were on an airplane. No one enjoys anything they watch on an airplane!” (Especially when you’re returning from a vacation in a warm location to dirty, freezing New York City!) An airplane is not Lincoln Center; don’t expect to enjoy any three-hour dramas just because you’ve got the time to kill. Watch something stupid and forgettable. Don’t let air travel ruin an otherwise great movie!