What Happened to the Player in 2013: Got angrier and surlier probably.

Strengths: Ability to tell anyone “don’t talk back to me” and “knock it off, alright?” without recourse. Bosses, grandmas, you name it.

Weaknesses: You so much as toss your keys to someone and a bird is gonna die. Playing catch with your kid could result in a veritable sparrow holocaust. Good job, bird murderer. Birderer.

Overall Future Potential: 4; you’re wearing the jersey of someone that went by the nickname “the Big Unit.” Good luck bringing a girl home from the bar and not being a gigantic disappointment, pinkypecker.

Realistic Role: 3; Randy Johnson had the complexion of an osage orange and no chin. Put it back in your drawer and pick a better looking player’s shirsey, rookie.

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Grey goatee, power alleys, and crows feet in tow, he seems to be trying to look like a dad in a Cialis commercial. Whether or not he is pursuing a second career in male enhancement commercials is yet to be determined.

Strengths: This shirsey is made to enhance any weird arm veins that you have. Also, the arm veins will grow goatees.

Weaknesses: You view weird arm veins with goatees as a weakness? You’re boring and I hate you.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if you happen upon someone wearing a Mo Rivera shirsey, you can legally do anything you want to him. It’s the law.

Realistic Role: 5; the most likely scenario is that you leave the house wearing this and you end up in a tub that’s outside and adjacent to another tub and a tire swing. I hope you like cougars and Sammy Hagar.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; the only thing you risk is being constantly confused for Juan Gonzalez.

The Year Ahead: You’re gonna create a Hispanic Cliff Lee lookalike club and it is going to rule.

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Hopefully running for city counsell hahahahahahaha

Strengths: If you’re just an average run of the mill whitey, you can tell people that you’re Craig Counsell and they’ll probably believe you.

Weaknesses: Being seen as an ironic hipster piece of garbage because even Craig’s mom wears her Counsellabilia ironically.

Overall Future Potential: 8; if a cop catches you doing something very illegal and says “put your hands up” you can do the Craig Counsell batting stance and make him laugh and you’ll probably just go have a Bud Light Lime-a-rita together somewhere.

Realistic Role: 2; the above scenario will never happen. Put that shirsey back, you giant bag.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Back and buttock injuries due to sitting on benches all day.

The Year Ahead: Craig Counsell is going to become even whiter and nerdier. Congrats to him. He’s really worked hard at this.

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Troy Glaus did Troy Glaus things, like biking, fishing, and hanging out with his kids. I love Troy Glaus!

Strengths: Purple and teal pairs well together like few other things in this lovely world. You’ll surprise your friends, who like me, never even knew that Troy Glaus was on the D-Backs. Glaus is a fun word to say because it rhymes with many other words like house, mouse, moss, toss, and even couch. I love Troy Glaus!

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Roberts played his first full year in Tampa Bay in which he didn’t play very many games. His Tattoos Above Replacement remained elite. He signed a minor league deal with the #Cubes last month.

Strengths: If you have an absurd amount of tattoos that you’re embarrassed by, just throw on this shirsey and tell everyone that the tattoos came with it and obviously aren’t permanent.

Weaknesses: That’s not how tattoos work! Silly internet consumer.

Overall Future Potential: 6; high energy shirsey off the bench

Realistic Role: 4; high energy shirsey off the bench that isn’t a very cool shirsey

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Richmond Lockwood Sexson was even more majestic than he was in 2012. Richmond Lockwood Sexson. Also, let’s remind everyone how Richie even got to Arizona from Milwaukee. “Sexson was traded to the Arizona Diamondbacks in December 2003 along with pitcher Shane Nance and a player to be named later (Noochie Varner) for infielders Junior Spivey, Craig Counsell, Lyle Overbay, catcher Chad Moeller, and pitchers Chris Capuano and Jorge de la Rosa.”

Strengths: Richmond Lockwood Sexson was the tallest batter in major league history. Richmond Lockwood Sexson.

Weaknesses: Richmond Lockwood Sexson was probably too tall to be playing baseball. Richmond Lockwood Sexson. Richmond Lockwood Sexson only played 23 games for the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Overall Future Potential: 6″8; Richmond Lockwood Sexson.

Realistic Role: 5; Richmond Lockwood Sexson

Risk Factor/Injury History: High (Tall); Richmond Lockwood Sexson.

The Year Ahead: Richmond Lockwood Sexson will return to his hometown of Portland and put birds on things. He might even pickle that.

Wardrobe ETA: 2004

System Overview:

Not to be outdone by the other impressive NL West shirsey systems, Arizona’s organization boasts an enviable collection of purple and teal masterpieces. This group of shirseys brings back vivid memories of the good ol’ days in Arizona when World Series games were being won and Tony Womack was scampering around second base. Matt Williams mega-derp sits atop this list for many reasons, the biggest of which is the screen printed buttons. SCREEN PRINTED BUTTONS. Jake made a good move getting this shirsey despite never having the balls to wear out outside of his dorm room. I don’t blame him, though. Any Randy Johnson shirsey on any team at any time in any place in any social situation with any pair of pants is a good choice, and that’s why it’s the number two prospect in this system. Augie Augie Augie Augie Augie this the 7th best Augie Augie Augie. And most importantly: We love Troy Glaus!

One comment to Arizona Diamondbacks Top 10 Shirseys

I am surprised this video didn’t make it into the Richie Sexson segment, although it may have been before your time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei-kUkoGkJ8
It was easily the first boner inducing homer in Diamondbacks history. Plus that video is great if you love random shots of Alex Cintron, Steve Finley, Brandon Webb (RIP), and Carlos Baerga!