LAJARA: What's the fracking problem?

Hudson Valley residents are up in arms about horizontal hydraulic fracturing, a method of extracting natural gas by using words nobody understands.

Hydrofracking, as the name clearly implies, is a term that, according to the dictionary, is not in the dictionary. It's actually supercalifrackilisticexpialidocious!

The method is also known as fracking, for those people who like words that begin with "f" and end with "ing," even though we are failing to end up formulating one right now.

So what's the fracking deal, other than childish uses of the word "fracking?"

Apparently, there's a whole bunch of natural gas in the Marcellus Shale region, a mysterious mass of land otherwise known as the space under your feet.

To take that gas, energy companies devised a method that they say is safe. It consists of safely pumping millions of safely and deliciously chemically treated water horizontally and deeply into the safely shaky ground, safely fracturing it and hopefully and safely releasing up to 500 trillion cubic feet of safe gas, which is safe. See? Nothing can go wrong.

Thus, "New York simply cannot afford to wait to tap this homegrown resource. Please take a few moments and send a message to your elected officials," says the website of the Independent Oil and Gas Association of New York, a group that has your interest in mind (we are assuming you are an oil executive). It is also the agency that doesn't know the difference between "cannot afford to wait" and "take a few moments."

The gas group doesn't want the state Department of Environmental Conservation to adequately study the method. Studying, as you know, is for wimps.

So what if there's growing anectotal evidence of people lighting fire to water from their faucets, as shown in the documentary "Gasland"? Can't you see the incredible benefits of lighting your friends' eyebrows on fire?

And who cares about yellowed and foul-smelling well water, deformed livestock, poisoned fish and itchy skin, as residents in Pennsylvania described in a public meeting about fracking in July? Where's Pennsylvania, anyway?

The industry counters that "Not a single documented case of drinking water contamination has ever been credibly tied to hydraulic fracturing," adding, "the public has been misinformed repeatedly by environmental groups whose agenda is to spread fear and misinformation."

Environmentalists, you should know, like to do scary things like hugging trees, saving whales and traumatize little children with organic broccoli.

But these groups don't have scary names, so let's help them out a bit in their foul campaign of fear. Anti-drilling groups include Catskill Mountainkeeper (of Doom!); Frack Action (of Decadence!); Catskill Citizens for Safe Energy (of Despair!); Riverkeeper (of Desolation!); and Clean Water Action (of Death!)

There are others, of course, but we've ran out of scary adjectives that start with the letter "d."

Anyway, this is a serious and important issue that shouldn't be trivialized, unless you are a newspaper editor and need to fill space with something.

So, as a public servide, let us give you some steps you can take to properly address this issue:

o Cover your ears and say, "Lalalalalalalala!"

o Move to Canada.

o Become a gas company executive.

o Use "fracking" in childish ways.

o Write an important column about a topic you know nothing about.

o Most importantly, find other ways to light your friends' eyebrows on fire.