Building a Bridge Between the Genders, Part 2

(Last month we established that gender exists on a continuum of more masculine or more feminine physical characteristics and while individuals might identify as male, female or intersex, the divisions are not absolute.)

Our culture emphasizes the differences between genders so few of us know how similar we are. We all begin life in the womb in a form which might more closely be associated with female. Undifferentiated tissue between the legs of the fetus begins to take shape as genitals. At first it looks more like a vulva but if the baby has a Y chromosome, it will be bathed in testosterone at a key stage in its development and that tissue will begin to take the form of a penis and testicles.

One way to envision this transformation is to think of what might have been a vulva becoming fused together so that it forms a seam on the underside of the scrotum. Then the tissue which might have been ovaries, takes the form of testes and descends into the scrotum. The clitoral tissue extends into a penis taking the urethra with it. The transformation is quite miraculous and continues to confound the medical profession despite efforts to construct male genitalia in the operating room. When employing surgical procedures it is much easier to return male genitalia to its original form: female genitalia.

The importance of early development in the womb is twofold. First, understanding that the basic wiring is the same, allows us to make love to a lover whose gender differs from ours without feeling like we are entering foreign territory. Most everything is connected in the same way and functions in a similar fashion. More about that in a minute.

Secondly, since sexuality begins in the womb, sexuality represents your core. In all likelihood, you masturbated to the point of orgasm before you were born. Sex comes before you suckle mother's milk or breathe air. Seen through that lens, sexuality takes on a whole new importance and primacy.

Now back to how similar the genders are. We all have nipples. If we allow ourselves to connect erotically to our nipples we can feel the sensation travel all the way to our genitals. This is universal for all genders although not every individual will relate to the sensation. Some individuals find stimulation of their nipples uncomfortable. Some individuals feel numb in their nipples. What turns us on varies considerably. But the erotic potential of nipples applies to all genders.

Most of us know that males have a prostate gland. What isn't common knowledge is that females also have a prostate. In 2001, the Federative Committee on Anatomical Terminology accepted female prostate as an accurate term. Female prostate refers to the Skene's glands or paraurethral glands which surround the urethra.

While medical researchers, scientists and even feminists continue to debate whether females are capable of ejaculation, many laypeople have witnessed female ejaculation in pornographic videos. And depending upon whose survey you believe, anywhere from 10% to 69% of women have experienced female ejaculation for themselves!

Quite a number of studies have established that female ejaculate is not urine. Analysis of the fluid reveals many of the same elements found in male prostatic fluid. To me, all of this underlines just how similar we are regardless of our gender identity.

So how does this relate to having more fun sexually? Knowing which parts of your lover are similar to parts of your own body, enables you to touch and interact with your lover's anatomy in a way which is more pleasing to them.

Let's say you want to help your lover experience more vaginal orgasms. There are at least two erogenous zones in the vagina: the G-spot and the A-spot. If you know that these are analogous to the P-spot or G-spot on males, you can take a more successful approach to arousal.

Stimulating the male G-spot is best achieved with a gentle touch—at least the first time this part of the body is stimulated. Someone who has never had their rectum penetrated is unlikely to want a fast and furious approach to penetration. Instead you would do well to proceed with caution while your lover has time to adjust to the sensations of having a finger, dildo or penis inserted into this virgin territory. I have helped a lot of men experience their first G-spot orgasm and I have been deeply moved by the level of vulnerability expressed with tears and/or laughter at the moment of orgasm.

Likewise, the vagina's G-spot and A-spot often evoke a lot of emotions. If you just pound away on this tissue you will probably create discomfort or numbness. If you approach with tenderness and gentleness, you can tease erotic sensations and deep emotions to the surface.

After arousal has been achieved, a lover might be receptive to rougher sex or they might not. With any gender it is important to start slow and gentle until you get a feel for their own pace and desire.

The penis and the clitoris tend to respond to touch in a more direct way. While individuals will have different preferences, most penises and clitorises can be approached with touch which is firmer and faster than what we want to use initially on a G-spot, A-spot or P-spot.

Emotional bonding is more prevalent with internal orgasms (those created through G-spot, A-spot or P-spot stimulation) and orgasms via the clitoris or penis can create less emotional vulnerability.

Is this true for everyone? Of course not. Nothing is. These are generalizations meant to help us understand gender similarities. Looking for the similarities instead of the differences can open a door to intimacy and connection which will create more sexual joy for both of you (or all of you if you're having a group experience!).

Next month: Specific tips on awakening those deep, inner orgasms through G-spot, A-spot and P-spot stimulation!

Author

Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM is the author of Sex Secrets of Escorts (Alpha Books 2005) and a Couples Consultant specializing in Anger Management and Sacred Sexuality. Monet has been a vocal and highly visible spokesperson for your sexual bill of rights since 1991 having appeared on every major network as well as CNN, FOX, CNBC, WE, A&E and international television programs. Veronica has been profiled in prestigious publications including The New York Times and she has lectured at a variety of academic venues including Kent State, Stanford and Yale Universities. Monet's passion is honesty, especially as it applies to our emotions and she believes what the world needs more than anything is freedom from shame. Toward that end, Veronica invites you to join her in The Shame Free Zone - her online radio program at http://www.sextalkradionetwork.com

Check out both of Veronica's websites: http://www.sexwithoutshame.com and http://www.veronicamonet.com Email her at veronica@sexwithoutshame.com. And call her toll free at 888.903.0050. Or you can send a text to her cell phone at 415.407.2932.

There is nothing predictable about Veronica Monet's life. Born to conservative parents and homeschooled, she went on to graduate college with honors and then pursue a seven-year corporate career. Addictions to alcohol and cocaine led to therapy and her eventual sobriety which framed her subsequent life choices in a spiritual context.
Amazingly, this change in direction included a new career in the sex industry much to the dismay of everyone around her including her family and closest friends. During her 14 years as a high-end escort and courtesan, Veronica Monet was married to the love of her life and when she wasn't traveling with wealthy businessmen and staying in expensive hotels, she was home with her husband and step-children living a quiet and relatively normal suburban life.
Today, Monet, divorced and still in a loving and romantic relationship with her ex-husband, works with other couples sharing the communication and sexual techniques which have helped her to sustain a meaningful connection with the same man for nearly three decades. Veronica's work with couples includes role-playing conflict resolution and activating the heart connection which naturally rebirths relationships and revives romance.
How has the industry changed since Veronica began her career? Is this a career path that she would recommend to women today? What important lessons has Veronica learned along the way? Please join us in welcoming Veronica Monet to the Community Interview!