November 10, 2008

I Made Out With Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Here's what happened. The other night I dreamed that Julia and I were working together. It wasn't clear what we were working on, but it was definitely something very creative.

After work we headed home. I walked with her to someplace like the NYC subway. It was like the NYC subway in the sense that it was a public transportation site. It was unlikethe NYC subway in the sense that it didn't smell like cat piss and I didn't feel like my life was in danger.

But I digress...

On the way we talked. We soon confessed our love for one another.

I asked her, Julia, how can someone like you be in love with someone like me? Bob, she said, you're the most interesting, fascinating, funniest guy I have ever met! But Julia, I said, you've worked with Jerry, and George, and Kramer, and internationally handsome movie stars. She just smiled and looked at me adoringly.

Julia told me that she was married and I, likewise, explained the same. We quickly realized, however, that this was a Great Romance and was not subject to the normal, bourgeois rules of sexual behavior. We began to make out.

Now here's the upsetting part.

When we kissed, she made ducky lips. It's hard to explain ducky lips, but if you were here I could show you. You sort of, like, flex your lips and look like a Simpson.

It's not easy trying to kiss someone who's doing that. As a matter of fact, it's kind of alarming.

Julia and I learned a very important lesson that night -- even a Great Romance can't survive something like ducky lips.

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