Month: June 2011

Imagine your worst nightmare, your most terrifying (childhood) memory. The one which led you to be claustrophobic, even though you know that’s a silly phobia, but having been locked in closets at various points by a biological mother who was showing you what her mother had done to her and…

Along with removing my piercing, I think I removed part of my brain. I wound up on Ocean Parkway instead of Ocean Ave, walked almost a mile to Avenue U, caught the bus, and arrived at Ocean Ave for my MRI. One on the lower back; one on the neck / right shoulder. It didn’t even occur to me to take some extra xanax for anxiety, or at least bring some with me.

The woman was so nice. She started with the lower back, said it would be about 15minutes. I smiled, I could do that standing on my head (well, not literally…). I lie down, the machine moves into place.

It wasn’t the noise the machine made. I could see out, a little, and I began with trying to close my eyes and take a nap. I had, after all, just walked a mile in platform flip-flops in 85 degree weather. I could do this.

Time passed.

How long had it been?

I was locked in the closet, and my cats were with me: Flo (Flower, then Florence Nightingale Catt, but Flo for short. She was a nervous cat, ever since we were robbed and one of the robbers kicked her across the room with his ugly worker’s boot, bruising her ribs); Blanche (the white cat my biological mother loved best, I was never sure if she would be included); and my precious, darling, perfect cat, Fluffy, the one whose face will be tattooed on me somewhere at some point soon.

But there were no cats and I was in a tube and what if it suddenly moved into the tube more, how would I get out?

Think happy thoughts. Think calming thoughts. Yoga thoughts: inhale deep into your diaphragm, exhale. With each exhalation, imagine a part of your body relaxing, beginning with your toes, and working your way up.

Screw this — get me the fuck OUT OF HERE!!!

So I freaked.

I’m naked of my piercings, some of which have been in for almost two decades.

I’m back in that closet, with my cats, and I don’t know when I’m going to be let out and…

I lasted 5 minutes.

FIVE MINUTES.

And I’m only giving you the short version of what went through my mind.

So the woman tells me I should get some valium. I mention I have a xanax script, but I don’t carry it with me.

Guess I have to call the pain dr for a few valium, huh?

Tomorrow, N (my son) & I are playing hooky. Well, he is. I have to go to the program, hopefully go down one agonizingly slow mg at a time, and then give blood at my medical place.

Yes, the place where ShyStudBoyMuffin works. But N knows to keep his mouth shut. And cute boy won’t even be there since he gets in later than we will.

However, I have told StudShyMuffinBoy that this is the last Wednesday train ride I can sexually harass him since N is getting out of school next week. I do have a sitter, a friend, a neighbour, who will watch N but I’d rather use her services for getting ShyStud in my air conditioned room, on my bed, with his… okay, he’s legal, but still, is it right for me to be talking about fooling around & my huge, luscious breasts & his hard… yeah. I should get ready to get my son. I could also use a cold shower. Danm it, if he wasn’t into fluffy chicks, why hang out with me? We both agree we don’t want a relationship, just some fun, so fucking kiss me already!!! I’d kiss him but I think I might cry if he pushed me off of him…

So I did a few quick tarot readings, and in every reading got the Ace of Pentacles. Different positions, but still… the Ace of Pentacles generally means, “perfect contentment, felicity, ecstasy; also speedy intelligence; gold.” {according to the Waite deck}. My Mystic Faerie Tarot says, “you are in a fortunate position of having enough skill and resources to create the life you want. You are in a good place that has everything you need. Look around you and recognize all the beauty and gifts in your life. Honor these gifts by expressing your gratitude and by using your skills to make the most of your opportunity.” huh???

Methinks I might have to do a real reading, using one of my many decks of cards, as opposed to a computer deck reading.

Ok. Time to get ready to pick up the boy.

We aren’t online so I’ll have to post this later.

Blessed Be. )0(

8:48pm

We — my son, N & I — went to his friend T’s apt. his mom L & I get along great, although I was a bit concerned that she was asking me for xanax. I told her — truthfully — that I didn’t have any. We hung out, I read her tarot cards (she asked a career question & got ALL pentacles, the suit of $ which I’ve NEVER seen before).so when she walked us home I gave her some percs…

my BootyCall is getting annoying — if I don’t answer his txts right away he acts like a BOYFRIEND.

StudShyMuffinBoy actually answered me when I texted him that if he didn’t kiss me Wednesday I would scream. I think i’m going to call him and work out the details…

since i’m not sure if my father and i are speaking… his latest wife beat me up for Mother’s Day 2010. time passed as it is wont to do. then my dad had an operation where they put screws in his toes so i sent my dad an email titled, “heard you got screwed”. i kept to simple, somewhat cheery topics, and received a reply almost immediately. before i read my dad’s reply, i read one from my grandmother — my best friend, and the mother of my father — and her email read, “your dads email might not be what you were expecting”. so i haven’t read my dads email yet. happy dads day, dad, enjoy hanging with your puta (she really was) wife who is only 2 or 3 years older than me.

on to other topics. did i mention my son won three awards? one for Achievement (no idea what it means but it looks good), one for completing Speech (he was the only one & the little ham stood up on stage, holding his award, and slowly turning, “so that everyone would be able to get a good picture” lol), and, finally, one for Excellence in Dance (not sure where he gets the dance talent from. his dad can’t dance, and i can only dance to Latin music.)

there’s the next door neighbor who speaks only Russian. the supers wife says he’s 20 or 22, so, LEGAL for this puma (“Cougars” are women 40+ into younger guys. i’m 36 so i’m a Puma.). anyways, boy next door can say “gun”, “tattoo”, and “Moscow” in English. now i just need to figure out how to say, “Booty Call” in Russian. Maybe i can ask StudMuffin, formerly ShyBoy. after all, I am about to introduce the boy to the GREATEST WRITER EVER (Neil Gaiman, duh).

ok. my son is bugging me to let me do my toenails. yes, he wants to paint my toenails. then i’ll trim his hair. and remove my piercings *sob*. i’m having an MRI tomorrow. or two, not sure how to properly say it. one on my lower back, one on my right shoulder. i’m horrified of being in a small tube but i suppose its the closest i’ll get to feeling like a guy in a really loose… uh, never mind. i’m more upset about taking out the piercings for a day than i am about being stuck in that tube.

oh, and for those of you (all three) who are interested in StudMuffin formerly ShyBoy updates, this is my last week of sexually harassing him due to N getting out of school next week. unless, of course, he comes over to watch something and i can leave my son downstairs with our neighbor and goddamn it, even if he isn’t into fluffy chicks i’ve got AMAZING breasts and full, luscious lips which are oh-so-kissable. he says he’s been single for a while so that would mean lots of jerking off and wtf i’m offering something BETTER than masturbation *sigh* i give up. how do you say that in russian?

damn. the neighbours went offline. how am i supposed to post this?

and my son is doing my nails. i’ve agreed to the glitter on my fingernails. since i’ll be doing dishes later — assuming i’m not too depressed from the lack of piercings — some of the glitter’ll prob wash off.

oh & i just found out what “imo” stands for. thank you, mr axl rose.

11:14am

ok. nails done (check).

cut the boys hair (check).

almost cut the boys ear off because he moved after i told him NOT to move 327 times (check).

removed piercings, some of which have been in 17 years (i got the tragus — that little piece of cartilage that sticks out from the ear, closest to the face — for my 19th birthday. technically i got my first ear lobe piercing at…um…8, i think, but i haven’t had the ring in it for that long. i’m only counting piercings which haven’t been removed since i got them.).

still waiting on the disability check (the big one, not the one which will pay 74.3% of my rent each month. welfare has dropped from paying 87.42% of my rent to paying 23.88% of my rent. yes, welfare plus disability equals only 98.18% of my rent. i’m still getting $260 cash a month from welfare, though. take away $20 for the rent, $50 for my phone, we are down to $190 a month. then there is transportation — minimum, $20/week, $80/month — laundry, non-food items, etc and, oh, yeah, ConnEd, electricity… yup, i’m screwed. when school starts, i can tutor, even dog walk. but during the heat of the summer i cannot go out. loooooong story. i’m allergic to the sun. i used to pass out / faint, but now that i’m fluffy — not fat — i just feel sick, get nauseated…told you, long story.). anyway, i was planning on buying some barbells for my horizontal nipple piercings. and then getting vertical piercings in the nips. as long as i have enough after fixing-up tattoos i have and getting new ones. yay!

1:04pm

just put the high E string on my guitar. tried to show my son how to do it but i made the mistake of playing “Hollywood Undead” by Black Dahlia Murders at the same time and i admit we were both paying more attention to the song than to the guitar, which i believe is now tuned although being tone-deaf, who the fuck knows? i could call my ex, or maybe StudMuffin (formerly Shy Boy), but the former would require lots of cigarettes& calming techniques and the latter would require my neighbour to be home (do 20year olds “dry fuck”? or is that just teens? is he going to expect to fuck me the first time we fool around? i haven’t really been single since i was 16. but i do know that, before one has sex, the boy WILL kiss the girl, and will make out, because he knows this is the path to get in her pants. once sex happens, the kissing is still there, it just happens for, oh, two seconds, and then he’s reaching for the bra or trying to undo the pants. which is why i’m into ShyBoy aka StudMuffin — since he doesn’t read this, he doesn’t know i’m willing to put out& will therefore put some effort into the kissing. and i am a girl who NEEDS TO BE KISSED. seriously. i feel ill when i haven’t been kissed in a while.)

ok. it’s 1:13pm & i need cigarettes. will try to call my neighbor. if shes home & willing to watch the boy (my son), i will call StudBoy (aka ShyBoy, aka StudMuffin) & tell him to get his ass over here. he’s 20 for fuck’s sake & if he says he’s been single for a year well, read the jerking-off bit above. shit, i’ll do it for him. but i need to be kissed or i will shrivel up and die. not really, but… please let my neighbor be home & please let StudBoy be getting up from his fun night last night & we all know what boys wake up with & really, i’m, not THAT fluffy!!!

i’ll let you know later. we’ve got three choices. no piercings. either i’m getting myself off (pathetic), my Booty Call is (good. first time since we dated. i think. i’m assuming he got me off while we dated) or StudShyBoy (yay! yes! i’m pathetic! i’m corrupting the young!!!!).

What the fuck? what kind of Aries, god of War, gives up the fight? jeez, one sore back, one night of little sleep, and i cut out of parenting group just to stay in bed. but even worse (do i want to know what that is on m shirt? no. not really.), even worse is i missed a chance to make a new convert.

it’s one thing for those of us who were around when Sandman was actually coming out on a regular basis to be Neil Gaiman fans. and now that we are grown — at least in age — we can read our kids the childrens books he’s written. but what about that group IN BETWEEN? the too-young to have known the awesome comics, and the too-old to know about trading one’s dad for not one but two goldfish?

so i was — ahem, pardon, i AM — going to convert the former ShyBoy / now StudMuffin. Make him into a Gaiman fan by giving him an extra copy i have of Neverwhere. then he can pass it along to his other friends, and a whole group just slightly older than Mr. Gaimans beautiful daughter Maddie will start looking for Gaiman fiction, then comics (and Sandman is just the tip of the comic iceberg). it’ll probably be more interesting than me trying to wear his resolve not to kiss me down to a, “what the hell? might as well…”

granted by the time that boy does get around to kissing me, he’d better be a good kisser. if i have to wait so long that we are in my room with the air conditioner on… ok, i suppose that could be next week . (it won’t be but it could). i supposed i can give him the book friday since i have to get blood taken (how much blood does his mom want from me? maybe i was wrong about the whole werewolf thing — i just gave blood a month ago. and i was wearing my fangs when i gave him my number… [umm, you do know i’m joking about the whole vamp/were thing, right? just making sure])

which reminds me: friday is my son’s “moving up” to 2nd grade ceremony. his last day of school is the 28th, and it’ll probably be a half day. and those family court bastards switched our court date from 7 july to 28 june. i don’t want to bring my son to court! what if he bumps into his dad? my son was just saying how nice it is not having to see his dad. i find it relaxing. the tantrums have gone from all the time within the 24hours before and after a visit with his dad to almost nothing, and now he actually has reasons for getting upset. homework is done in about ten minutes, and we’ve had time to watch a movie or go to the park on school nights. my son isn’t lying like he did when his dad was around. and, even better, it’s been a while since my son has had nightmares. (at first he would start to whimper for me and when i woke him up would say he remembered watching his dad hurt me but otherwise…).

hmmm. maybe it is the switching of the court dates — a warrior, even one as good as Aries, can really only concentrate on one battle at a time. and while the ShyBoy / StudMuffin is infinitely more enjoyable, i must concentrate my efforts on my son and keeping his dad out of his life. if my son can go from verging on a nervous breakdown / regression to being his hapy-go-lucky, sweet, angelic self, in just a few weeks without his dad — oh, and his grades have gone back up — imagine what my son could do if he never had to see his dad again?

so, SB / SM, i haven’t given up (although it would be interesting to check out that Free Will stuff). i’m just off to do battle for my son. and then i’ll make you kick yourself for not kissing me sooner because i am a damn fine kisser, amongst other things lol

wow. this StudMuffin (formerly ShyBoy but my son thinks StudMuffin is funnier. I think my son is picturing a huge muffin with tom cats “making kittens” with female cats in heat — like our Nikita — on top. not sure what his idea of “making kittens” is. not sure i want to know.*) thing is driving me nuts. wtf??? 6, i mean, SIX hours of talking, not to mention the ten minute story about a girl he was so not into and he kisses her anyway, and i get a kiss on the cheek???

i should probably mention that it was during my eight year relationship with BD (my son, N’s, Bad/Biological Dad) that i got, um, “fluffy.” as in, “I’m not fat, i’m fluffy.” BD is into big girls. not just plus sized, but super plus sized. he was a little fluffy when i met him, became obese when he was with creepy (good thing he has those womanly hands…i kept warning him if he put on any more weight he wouldn’t be able to find his penis, then where would he be?). then he lost some weight living with us. and, finally, he did the crystal meth / crack diet after moving in with his intern and lost A LOT of weight “SUPER FAST” (as my son said).

anyways, StudMuffin *snicker* is the first boy i hit on since “getting fluffy”. actually, i’m pretty sure he’s the first boy i’ve ever hit on. or maybe every guy has just “gone for it” and kissed me before i felt like i was hitting on him. then there’s the fact that i usually only care when it comes to women: i always felt that if a woman turned me down i would be much more emotionally involved than if i was turned down by a boy. not that i can remember being turned down by a boy… hey, i even turned down an actor who has the same first name as da Vinci! and, after all, i DID get the idea to become fluffy so that guys wouldn’t hit on me anymore. though that was with the idea that fluffy lesbians usually have girlfriends and, well, WHERE DA WOMEN AT???

still, i think if StudMuffin *snicker, snort* really WAS a SHYBOY, it wouldn’t be so… obsessive (argh! but StudMuffin does has two clubs: one for girls who just stalk him, the other for those who stalk him AND for the ones who go “bat shit” crazy over him, in addition to the stalking). but the fact that ShyBoy is ACTUALLY a SlutBoy… not to mention that really repulsive girl who gave him mono and turned him off but he still kissed her… where’s my kiss? i KNOW he’d enjoy it! i’m a damn fine kisser, and i’ve had compliments (and never a complaint) about many other talents i possess. my breasts alone should make him want to kiss me! (as long as the boobs stick out further than the belly…lol)

jeez. have i sunk so low i’m not even looking for a pity fuck but a pity kiss? i guess so. of course the idea of “teaching” him is gone — he’s probably been with more people than i have & wouldn’t be up for lessons. but while my booty call & i are getting more in sync, booty call finishes & i’m left with… a stomach ache if it was close, and frustration either way. (so why do i keep seeing him? i’m optimistic.)

ok. enough of this. i need to make dinner for my son. why, oh why, is it so hard to find a BootyCall who can satisfy me? it really is not hard — heck, if i sit forward on a train i can, um, have fun. there are fricking directions for goddess sake!!! go for the curved barbell — less than a minute & you can stick a fork in me ‘cuz i’m done lol

have a good evening y’all

*my son has walked in on me having sex with his dad more than once. one time, we were, well, i was up against a wall, with his dad behind me & his dad’s excuse was “we were looking to see where we should hang a [non-existent] poster”. another time, “mommy” was cleaning the couch with daddy helping, from over my shoulder (well, behind, but if you think i was cleaning the couch i’ve got a few bridges to sell you.).

last, but definitely not least, was the time i was in so much fibromyalgia pain, and i was bleary-eyed & taking a nap when his dad comes into bed to join me & use those wonderful hands of his yadda yadda yadda i hear my son ask, “whats wrong with mommy?” and as i open my eyes to see my son at the foot of my bed watching a movie i hear his dad say, “mommy’s just having a muscle spasm.” yeah, i got a little paranoid about my son being around after that. i mean, at least i was under a blanket, but i don’t even want to know how long my son was there…i guess i should mention this was probably revenge for me saying how his dad was sick for being able to get off with our son in the bed…

well, ShyBoy can no longer be called ShyBoy. the boy is a slut or a stud depending on how you want to look at it. six hours hanging out&talking&i get a very obvious kiss on the CHEEK (and not the cheek with the red mark from my duct tape wallet).

Excellent movie, especially for cat lovers and fans of the “classic” Disney movies. Of course, a classic Disney movie wouldn’t have starred cats as we all know Walt Disney hated cats…

This is a charming story about a mother cat and her three kittens who live the good live in Paris, 1910. When the butler finds out that Madame is leaving everything to the cats for the rest of their lives, he decides to do away with the cats. They are saved by an alley cat with a heart of gold and live… well, you know how they live!

The Aristocats does seem to borrow a bit from a few other Disney movies: 101 Dalmations (kidnapped animals who must rely on one another to get home safely); The Lady and the Tramp (Upper crust female meets alley cat male and true love follows); and even Jungle Book (the alley cat has some friends who introduce the feline family to some swinging jazz).

Overall, not a bad way to spend an hour and a half. The art, credits, music, and even the voices are classic Disney.

BODYSLAMMING

well, so much for a career in pro-wrestling for me! last night BD came up from behind, put me in a choke hold, and body-slammed me down to the floor in the hallway of my building. (and i thought not letting him IN to the apartment would protect me). then i get cuffed — after explaining that my right shoulder would dislocate, i was allowed to be attached to a gate with my left arm behind me. i didnt even think of the embarassment of my neighbours seeing. i was more concerned with the muscle spasms that were starting. then there’s the pain from being choked and body-slammed (who gets BODY SLAMMED??? WTF???) when the officer finally uncuffed me, she pressed her thumb (accidentally; she was actually very nice but if you dont have fibromyalgia you wont know the pressure points) right into / onto one on the inner elbow on my left side. i can feel it, along with the shooting pain going up my arm and down it into my hand.

then there’s the pain in my neck — figuratively and literally. BD said he was going to jail and said, twice, to me, “you’re lucky i’m so nice,” or i’d be going to jail, too, on BS, trumped-up charges. yes, BD is so very bad that once again, our 6yr old son got to see his mother on the floor with his dads hands / arms around his mothers neck. yes, yes, i am sooo very lucky he’s so nice. what would happen if he wasn’t so nice?

the District Attorney was calling me until 10:30pm last night. they are finally going to include my son into the restraining order. and it is a total stay away. well, i suppose it’s for the best. his facebook page actually advertises how he enjoys choking women”.

Duct Tape Wallets: how to make a quick and easy duct tape wallet without cheating (cheating is putting cardboard or paper in between the duct tape layers).Bad Dad Part 2 — what happens when he gets out of jail monday morning and realizes the restraining order has been modified to include our son?