Hey guys! It’s Zach P. back again with another entry in “Tales from Westeros”, and we have an episode full of transitions and goodbyes and a moment that felt pretty good for this humble writer pertaining to one of his favorite characters. And of course, a tragic ending that both answered questions and will leave you sobbing anytime anyone holds a door for you for the rest of your miserable Thrones-obsessed lives. Episode six gave us some shocking reveals and changes of heart, and is only setting up for bigger and better things. So let’s get to it shall we? As always, spoilers ahead.

Instead of my usual template of recapping, this week I’m going to talk about the emotional beats and moments individually. Of course, I’ll save the analysis of the untimely and also somehow, timely fate of everyone’s favorite bi-syllabic farmhand for the end. Because I’ll probably short out my laptop by crying into my keyboard and then you lovely Thrones fanatics won’t have a review.

Jon and Sansa Go to Grey Castle

Winterfell is overrun by Ramsay Snow, and now with the help of Karstark Jr and Smalljon Umber, Ramsay also has banner men and Rickon Stark, the youngest and last of the Stark children. Basically, this sick bastard, no pun intended is sitting pretty. Now, it’s Sansa and Jon’s turn to rally the Northern houses to their cause. However, first, Sansa meets with ex-traveling partner/mentor/matchmaker/guy she kissed before he murdered her aunt, Littlefinger. Now Littlefinger has done a lot of shady things to Sansa, and our newly badass redheaded heroine has had enough. Brienne offers to kill Littlefinger for Sansa, and you can almost see her consider it, but Sansa restrains, instead tongue lashing Littlefinger for getting her into the horrible captivity/marriage to Ramsay. She says that she can “still feel in her body” what Ramsay did to her, and she tries to probe Littlefinger to say what he thinks Ramsay did to her. This guilt trip appears to work; however Littlefinger has an ace up his sleeve with the information that her uncle, Brynden Tully, the “Blackfish”, has rallied the Tully forces. Now, Brynden is a legend in Westeros, and his help would be most welcome come Bastardbowl. Littlefinger also has the knights of the Vale and House Arryn behind him so if Sansa can somehow make up with him; they could also be of assistance. However, Sansa and Jon determine that the other loyal northern houses may be of help due to longstanding loyalty to the Starks. These houses include the Manderlys, Glovers and a few others are mentioned. We know from the raven that was sent to Stannis at the Wall, the Mormonts are loyal banner men, as the current leader of their house, a young girl stated “There is only one King in the North and his name is Stark.” So that’s three houses right there, more than Ramsay’s got and there’s a few other houses in the mix. There are many houses loyal to the Starks; however, many may not appear in the show. But for arguments sake, let’s say these houses are all up for grabs, aside from the three I just mentioned: Houses Tallhart, Stout, Cerwyn, Hornwood, Flint, Dustin, Locke, Ryswell and the elusive House Reed, like Howland Reed. A knock on the door of Greywater Watch and we might find out from Papa Reed himself a big ol’ secret. Howland Reed is the only man left alive who might know of Jon’s true parentage if the theory of R+L=J is indeed true, which it likely is. If Jon, Sansa and co. can get these banners on their side, they might be able to hold up against the forces of Ramsay, the Karstarks and the Umbers. There’s also no telling which of these houses may also join Ramsay, so don’t count that out either. However, I would certainly enjoy a montage of the siblings Stark going door to door. “Hello, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior Jon Targar-ahem Stark, Azor Ahai, the Prince that Was Promised?” Also, please give me an entire episode of Tormund trying to woo Brienne, please. You owe us after this episode, B&W.

Euron 2016: Make the Iron Islands Great Again

On the Iron Islands, they do things a little differently. Natives of the Iron Islands, known colloquially as Ironborn, value strength and success over the line of succession, which would actually make Theon king in the wake of Papa Balon’s death, despite his lack of….line continuing body parts. Instead, they hold something called a Kingsmoot, in which multiple individuals can stake claim to the Salt Throne of the Iron Islands, and whoever is given the popular support is elected regardless of family names or past scandal. Man, I can’t help but think that might be a better system for this current election. #Bernie2016 Yara Greyjoy, Theon’s sister, is the first to stake a claim, and begins to plead her case to her Ironborn subjects. This is new, and as many Ironborn state, the Iron Islands has never had a queen before. Theon is pressured to speak, as Balon’s last living male heir (Theon and Yara’s two older brothers, Rodrik and Maron, were killed in the Greyjoy Rebellion; See the ASOIAF wiki for more details) and for a moment, looks like he might claim the throne for himself and betray what he had said to Yara previously. Instead, he endorses Yara for queen and she appears to be winning the crowd until another voice comes out and stakes claim. It’s Theon and Yara’s uncle Euron, who is actually the whole reason this is happening, due to his murdering of his own brother. In the books, Euron is known as the “Crow’s Eye” due to his eyepatch, hiding a black eye with a red pupil, according the Theon. He also is said to have blue lips due to his proclivity to drink Shade of The Evening, and both of those touches seem to be missing from Euron’s character in the show. In the books, Euron is this swaggering, crazy pirate and in the show he just…sortve seems like another younger, cooler Balon. Euron taunts Theon’s castration, uses his kinslaying as a selling point, and announces his plan to sail to Slaver’s Bay and marry Daenerys Targaryen, conquering the Seven Kingdoms with her dragons. Also, when he gets there, he’s gonna build a wall. It’s gonna be a beautiful wall, guaranteed. This promise seems to win the crowd and Euron’s name is chanted. It’s clear who the winner of the Kingsmoot is. However, the Ironborn and their Drowned God love their traditions, and Euron gets initiated (a ceremony that includes purposefully drowning you in the hopes that you’re able to choke up the seawater and not die, however that works) and is coronated with the Driftwood Crown. Euron’s first act as king of Pyke is to murder Theon and Yara, however, his niece and nephew are not quite as stupid. All this time, Yara, Theon and their loyal Ironborn escape, taking the entire Greyjoy fleet with them. Euron swears revenge, and instructs the Ironborn to “chop down every tree” they can find and rebuild the ships. I think this may be the last we see of Euron for a while; however, I think it’s not out of the question to imply, dear reader that he’ll be back. However, if they decide to use screen time to show us Euron’s progress, I hope that one of my favorite characters, his brother, Victarion shows up to aid his brother in finding the Mother of Dragons as he did in the books. If I hear, “The most beautiful woman in the world has urgent need of my axe”, I’ll fanboy squeal pretty hard.

Arya Sees a Play or “Remember Season 1?”

Things have calmed down for everyone’s favorite child assassin, Arya Stark, who has now revoked her name and become “No One”. A good start, but let’s not forget she still has Needle stashed away, so we don’t know how long this will last. There may not be a strike three for Arya so far as the Faceless Men are concerned. She’s got her eyesight back and it seems the only thing in Arya’s way is the Waif. The Waif does her normal sparring match with Arya and it seems that both armed and unarmed, the Waif is the more experienced fighter. She tells Arya that she “isn’t ready” and all that Jaquen offers is “A girl has a point”. So it’s clear that while things may have improved, they’re far from peachy. Arya gets a new target, and it’s an actress who’s currently starring as Cersei Lannister in a vulgar farce that recaps the events of the first few seasons full of fart jokes and boobs. It’s actually quite funny until Arya realizes that it’s a rather insensitive look back on the worst day of her life. The day the Lannisters betrayed her family, killed her father and ignited the War of the Five Kings. Arya is backstage and learns her target only drinks rum from her personal bottle. Arya reports back to Jaquen that she’ll poison the actress’s rum, and Jaquen accepts. This could be cool to see Arya’s real first official kill as a Faceless Man, and the actor she’s killing is playing Cersei so let’s hope she dies in costume. Catharsis everywhere.

The Gang Starts a Propaganda Campaign, Jorah gets noticed by Senpai

A lot of cool stuff happening in Mereen this week, mostly the beginning of Tyrion and Varys’s Red Priest and Priestess led propaganda campaign to restore confidence in their absentee queen. This in particular involves a Red Priestess named Kinvara, who is summoned to the throne room in the Great Pyramid, in order to meet with Tyrion. After our weekly, “Tyrion doesn’t know Valyrian very well” joke, the trio begins negotiating. Overall, she agrees to help but not before creeping out Varys by knowing what went down the night he was castrated. So, I’m tentative to see if this plan works, because trusting religion, especially Red Priests seem to get no one particularly far in Westeros (Melisandre) or Essos (Quaithe). I will say nothing cross about my boy Thoros of Myr however because he’s just a baller. I’m excited to see what this new dimension to the political landscape of Meereen will play out in the coming episodes.

Meanwhile, back in Vaes Dothrak, Dany, Daario and Jorah speak. Dany is grateful to Jorah, as she should be, as she states “I have sent you away twice, you have come back twice, and you have saved my life twice.” Jorah knows his greyscale isn’t exactly making him the most sought after companion, and he turns to leave. However, Dany, finally giving Jorah his due, tells him not to walk away from his queen. She commands him to find the cure for greyscale and return to her. Iain Glen. I can’t tell you how powerful this scene is acted just in his eyes. Its satisfaction, elation, heartbreak all under unwavering loyalty in one gaze; admirable Mr. Glen, admirable. It looks like everyone’s favorite silver haired conservative might actually return to Westeros. Maybe. Hopefully.

Hold the Door

Honestly, screw everything about this, you guys. Earlier in the episode, Bran is shown that the Children of the Forest created the White Walkers to fight the First Men. So the folly of man created a superweapon that’s now the main possibility to its destruction? Groundbreaking. Bran’s been annoyed with how long/how many limits there are to his training since the beginning of the season now so it was only a matter of time before he did something stupid. So Bran being the whiny SOB he is decides to go solo into the root dreams/greensight without sensei Raven’s permission. In doing so, he sees a host of wights/White Walkers and finds himself right next to the Night’s King. Remember him? He was the one at the battle of Hardhome that kind of looks like Darth Maul and Elsa’s lovechild? Anyway, The Phantom Menace here grabs Bran’s arm, thus branding him and allowing him to bypass the Three-Eyed Raven’s security system to his cave. Starks, they just can’t help but make huge mistakes allllll the time. Soon, the entire wight host headed by the Night’s King and his Walker lieutenants is knockin on the door. Some Children of the Forest try their hardest to stave them off, and they do to some extent. Ice King and his guard are able to enter initially, leaving a bulk of the force outside. Meera drops a walker by way of a spear with a Dragonglass head, making her I believe the third person besides Jon and Sam “the Slayer” Tarly to kill a Walker. The rest of this scene however, is a thoroughfare of feels. Summer, Bran’s direwolf is overrun and torn apart by wights, Leaf, the child of the forest who led Bran, Meera and co. to the Three Eyed Raven, is also overrun and killed by wights. Three Eyed Raven is kind of like uploading all the knowledge he possibly can into Bran as he’s being dragged away by Meera and Hodor, until the Night King kills him. This doesn’t break Bran’s trance, and he’s back in Winterfell. This will be important in a sec. Meera was able to reach Bran even through his trance, as a voice in his head almost. Meera had told him to warg into Hodor, in order to drag his body away, and was able to reach him through his trance. Meera, Bran and Hodor come to a door, which Hodor busts open as the wights close in. They get through in the nick of time, but the amount of wights threatens to push the door open. Hodor stays behind, holding the door back with his massive frame. Meera instructs back, “Hold the door!” Bran, still in his vision, hears this and turns to Wylis, young Hodor, back in his flashback of Winterfell. Bran seems able to warg into Wylis, the stable boy’s eyes turning white before he collapses. In convulsions, Wylis keeps repeating “Hold the door!” over and over again in the past while Hodor holds the door in the present, the wights beginning to break through. Slowly, but surely, Wylis’s words begin to blend together as Bran looks on in horror. “Hold the door! Hold the door! Hol he door! Hol door! Hodor! Hodor!” The episode ends with Bran and Meera appearing to get a start away from the wights as Hodor is ripped apart, his past self repeating the words over and over again. “Hodor! Hodor! Hodor!” Now, this scene was confusing to a great many people so I will relay it as best I can. Bran, through greensight, altered the past due to a present need, thus creating a time loop, albeit closed. It’s almost like the butterfly effect, with one event causing the other. Bran was able to control young Wylis as a connection to present Hodor, reaching through his mind to reach the present. In this, Wylis’s mind breaks, and he has a fit, making Wylis/Hodor a living, breathing prophecy of his own death for the rest of his life. We don’t know how old Hodor is, but his greying hair and beard suggest he’s at such an age where that could happen. Kristian Nairn, the actor who portrays him is 40 years old, so we can wager that perhaps Hodor is of a similar age. You can’t help but feel for the poor guy. For years, he suffered with a broken mind, constantly repeating the adage of his death. This is important, as Bran probably now knows the true power his greensight actually has, that it could alter the past so drastically. Sacrifice and servitude was the life he led, to his end. It was his destiny all along; to hold the door. I need a drink. #RIPHodor

Thanks for reading. Now, onto episode 6!

Cold Hands, Middle Finger

We pick up right the hell where we left off, with Meera dragging Bran through the wintry woods North of the Wall, with the wights hot on their tail. Meera is no Hodor and is having some trouble while Bran finishes downloading all of the things The Three Eyed Raven put into his brain which includes a glimpse at the last moments of “The Mad King” Aerys Targaryen proclaiming to “Burn them all!” before being dispatched by a young Jaime Lannister. It’s sad really, Jaime put down a delusional, insane old man who was going to kill thousands of people and it brought him nothing but shame and disrespect his entire life, earning him the names Kingslayer, Oathbreaker, Man without Honor. Another part of this vision is Ned asking Arthur Dayne where his sister is, cutting then immediately to some bloody hands which may either be Robb’s after he had touched Talisa’s stomach at the Red Wedding, or Ned’s upon finding his sister in the Tower of Joy. Anyway, Bran wakes up after Meera gives in from exhaustion and the wights close in. All seems lost until a mysterious hooded man on a horse and wielding some sortve Ghost Rider/Scorpion fire chain hybrid thing. Now, when watching with my friends, three of us book readers, we all freaked out “COLDHANDS!” We screamed in unison. Now, for those of you who don’t know, Coldhands in the books is a seemingly sentient wight who wears Night’s Watch black, rides a giant elk and refers to Sam Tarly by the title “Brother”. Sam is with Bran north of the Wall for a little while, so his presence there is important for tin foil hat folks who like to theorize that Coldhands is an ex-Night’s Watch man. Now, there was a prevalent fan theory for a while that Coldhands was Benjen Stark, the long lost First Ranger of the Night’s Watch who disappeared in both Book and Season One, however George R.R. Martin tacitly denied that Coldhands was Benjen when asked. So it’s interesting that the show is taking a different direction, as when Meera and Bran reach safety with this new companion, it’s revealed that it actually is Benjen Stark. Benjen goes on to explain how he was killed by a walker but saved by some Children of the Forest, who stopped the Walker’s magic from taking hold. Now, this means that Benjen has a shard of dragonglass embedded into his heart just like the Night King, so that brings up a lot of questions, does it both create and cure White Walker-itis? Is Benjen completely safe from White Walker magic, or is he just a man given a second chance at life? Either way, Benjen is here to stay and tells Bran that by the time the Night King comes, he will be ready. The Night King is apparently expected to go to the Wall, which given that Jon and co. just left to grab some Northern Houses, let’s hope Bran or Benjen have an ace up their sleeve. We don’t exactly know what this means, because if Bran is supposed to be the Three Eyed Raven, and the last Three Eyed Raven got ganked by the Night King, what makes Bran so special? Is it because he’s younger than Bloodraven was? A lot of questions North of the Wall, but for the most part, we know that Bran and Meera are safe.

Still Better than “Meet the Parents”

You ever meet a significant other or just someone you’re dating’s parents? You spend all night getting ready and then it’s still an awkward disaster? Think about the worst time it happened. It wasn’t as bad as Sam Tarly’s dinner with Gilly and his family. Now, let’s recap. Big Bad Dad Randyll Tarly isn’t exactly the touchy feely type and thought Sam was too weak and cowardly to run shit at the ancestral home of Horn Hill (which in the show looks like some sortve Greek acropolis whereas I always pictured a very stout but rustic sortve keep for the toxically masculine Randyll), so Sam was forced to either take the Black or Randyll would have him killed and make it look like an accident. Sam’s mother is very fond of him as she should be, so Randyll wants to assure he doesn’t have a direct hand in killing his son. So Sam and Gilly ride in the wheelhouse up to Horn Hill and Sam informs Gilly that he hasn’t told his family that she’s a Wildling, as Randyll (of course) hates Wildlings. He also makes sure to keep the secret of Little Sam being Gilly’s incest baby with her father, Craster, as he did with all of his daughters. Inside, Sam, Gilly and Little Sam are greeted by Sam’s mother, Melessa and his sister, Talla. These two are just rays of sunshine, perfectly polite and overly nice ladies of Westeros who call Gilly “lovely” and fawn over Little Sam. Sam questions where his father is, and learns he is on a hunt, but will be there for dinner. Later, Gilly gets a bit of a makeover, wearing one of his sister’s dresses and appearing to have been bathed. Sam and Gilly are just…so damn cute it kills me. This scene especially. However, all is not well and we cut to dinner. Sam’s brother Dickon and his father have joined the rest of the cast of characters. Randyll is a general dick to Sam all throughout the meal, as when Sam accepts more bread, Randyll replies “What? Not fat enough already?” There’s plenty more body shaming to be had, but Sam clams up and takes it, either so that Daddy doesn’t kick out his baby and his baby mama, or because he’s too scared. This scene really resonated with me, as the (not so in shape) son of a military man, I can feel the dynamic. However my dad is WAY nicer than Randyll Tarly. Randyll basically dicks his way into pissing off Gilly, who through a slip of the tongue lets it go that she’s a wildling. Randyll goes off, and points out the Tarly’s ancestral sword, a greatsword called Heartsbane (dope name) and claims that Sam will “never wield” that sword. Melessa gets up after a while, clearly done with her husband’s shit and such leaves Sam alone with papa. Randyll reveals that he thought Gilly was a “Mole’s Town whore”. (Mole’s Town is a small town not too far south from the Wall, and men of the Watch are said to frequent the brothel in town despite their vows) Apparently a Mole’s Town whore is cool, but Wildling? No way. Sam goes back to Gilly’s bedchambers to say goodbye. We get teased on the “I love you”, as Sam appears either too cowardly or too sad to say it. And then, Sam finally becomes his own man. Sam bursts back into the room and tells Gilly to get her things and that she and Little Sam are leaving with him. The three return to the dining room. Gilly protests as Sam grabs a stool to grab Heartsbane, as it is apparently coming with them. I loved Sam’s dialogue in this scene. Gilly’s all like “That’s your father’s sword.” “It’s my family’s sword.” “But won’t he come for it?” “He can bloody well try.” Thatta boy Sam, get some bass in your voice!

Walder Had Better be a-Frey-d

Any Thrones fan worth their salt knows where they were when they watched the Red Wedding episode. We remember the rage and sadness that filled out hearts as Robb, Talisa, Catelyn and all their men were murdered in large numbers. Even poor Grey Wind was killed. And it was all thanks to Walder Frey and Roose Bolton, in conspiracy with the Lannisters. However, after the fallout of said wedding, we didn’t hear much from Walder Frey, until now of course. In a “hey remember me?” scene, Walder Frey is seen berating his sons (of which he has many) for losing control of the Riverlands to Brynden “Blackfish” Tully. It would appear Littlefinger was not lying, for once. Frey seems to have taken a new much younger wife, and god knows how many he has had in between the one Catelyn killed at the Red Wedding. So basically, this scene is a set up for Frey to get some much needed justice later this season or maybe even early next season, all I know is that I am ready and waiting for it. However, Frey reveals he’s got an ace in the hole (of course) and it’s Edmure Tully. Edmure is Robb’s uncle and Cateyln’s brother and was the one who was actually married at the Red Wedding, and spent his wedding night in a dungeon and has presumably been a prisoner of the Freys ever since, because he doesn’t look good at all. Frey believes that the Blackfish will not attack as long as they have Edmure. It wouldn’t be above Walder Frey to kill Edmure, but I really hope it doesn’t go down like that. Edmure needs his time to be badass again, considering the last time we really saw him do anything was his failed attempts to shoot a flaming arrow onto the rowboat carrying his father’s corpse for a Viking funeral. Blackfish pushed him away and one-shotted it, so that either proved Edmure is useless or Blackfish is just awesome. But I believe it’s important to keep Edmure alive because he’s not only the last surviving Tully (with Catelyn and Lysa dead) and therefore is Jon and Sansa’s last surviving relative they know of (now considering Benjen is back on the scene). So let’s hope it goes that way.

Everyone’s No One to Someone

So back in Braavos, we’re still watching bizzaro world Westeros politics and its showing the “Purple Wedding” or the time that the Tyrells and Littlefinger conspired to kill Joffrey, who was King at the time, with a poison known as the “Strangler”. The poison turned his face purple, thus the name. Arya has been away so long, she actually didn’t know this went down, and is thus rather amused. Because she’s, you know, a sociopath. But other than that, she knows now that the man who condemned her father to death got the swift and terrible justice she wanted for him. A name was crossed of her famous “list”. While the play is still going, Lady Crane, Arya’s target, starts up an emotional monologue which leads Arya to question what she’s doing. Seeming to shake it, she goes backstage and through the placement of a mirror near the bottle of rum that Lady Crane keeps to herself, we see Arya’s continued internal struggle. Can she really kill a seemingly innocent woman? Is she devoted to the Many Faced God? Is she truly “No One”? Arya pours the poison into the rum. Mission accomplished. She runs into Lady Crane backstage and introduces herself as “Mercy” when asked for her name. Lady Crane asks if she’s ever considered being an actor. Arya tries to excuse herself and when the actor playing Tywin is a huge douchelord to her backstage, Lady Crane goes for the rum. Arya rushes her, and knocks it out of her hands, the bottle shattering on the ground. Her father’s honorable nature runs deep in her veins. Arya warns Crane about her young rival, who wants her dead and goes off. However, as always, the Waif is close by to see Arya bail on her mission. The Waif reports back to Jaquen, who orders Arya killed, but also asks that she doesn’t suffer. Arya is seen, as I predicted, unearths Needle from the hiding place and regains her identity. She isn’t “No One”; she is Arya Stark of Winterfell. Congratulations Arya! Now you only have the most adept league of assassins on your tail….yikes.

Seven Heavens, Seven Hells, One Blond Idiot

Back in King’s Landing, Tommen and High Sparrow chat. Tommen is scared that Margery will be hurt in her upcoming Walk of Shame. Sparrow reassures him, and lets him visit Margery. Remember that girl in high school who was “well known” for lack of a better word and then like, found religion in college? Yeah, that seems to be what’s been up with Margery. She’s a hardcore Sparrowist. And like any King going through puberty with a hot wife, Tommen might be easily swayed. On the other hand, Jaime and Mace Tyrell meet up, with the entire Tyrell army on his back. I mean, come on, he may be a buffoon, but you gotta love Mace. He’s so comically over the top. He rolls up with his ridiculous feathered helmet, makes a crazy speech; I love him, I don’t care how inept he is. So the Sparrows are all a-formation on the steps of the Sept of Baelor, with Margery all ready to make her walk of atonement, managing to make a potato sack lookin dress look damn fine. Sparrow spouts some religious bull and Jaime rides up the stairs as the Tyrell army takes point behind him. Grandma Olenna is carried in as well, apparently wanting a front row seat. Jaime cockily demands that Margery and Loras be released. “I don’t have the authority to give them to you. And you don’t have the authority to take them”, chirps back the Sparrow. This seems to win the crowd’s support. It’s clear the Sparrow and his egalitarian message have resonated with the people and he has the popular support. The Tyrell army goes en guard, to show that they mean business. Clearly the Sparrows, however armed, would be absolutely slaughtered if it came to blows. High Sparrow knows this. So when Jaime threatens to have them all killed, Sparrow comes back that to die “for the gods” is the greatest glory the Sparrow can achieve in his life and that they “yearn for it”. This is a power play, as it turns what would be a daring rescue with unfortunate casualties into an unjustified slaughter. The High Sparrow claims that there is “no call” for bloodshed and thus cancels Margery’s (much awaited) walk of atonement. Everything’s peachy keen, right? Wrong. As the Tyrell army goes back to attention, Sparrow claims that Margery has “already atoned for her sins”, by way of “bringing another into the true light of the Seven”. Who is that, you ask? Surprise sur-not-surprise its Tommen! That’s right, King Tommen is now down with that Sparrow life, and his Kingsguard have even been given new breastplates with the seven pointed star, the symbol of the Faith on them. The symbol also has the crown in the center of the star, and as Sparrow points out, it symbolizes the “holy alliance” between the Crown and the Faith. Tommen makes a bullshit speech about the Crown and the Faith being the “twin pillars of the world” and the crowd eats it up. Mace Tyrell turns to his mother and asks what just happened. She replies simply. “He’s beaten us.” And MAN is it true. I mean, what a power grab. Tommen, easily swayed little bastard he is, even goes so far as to fire Jaime from the Kingsguard. His own uncle/father. He pulls some BS about “attacking the crown and attacking the faith” and needing to “answer to the gods” and Jaime snarks his way further down the hole he’s been put in. Tommen claims that he will continue to serve his house and king, but “not in this city”. So, where is Jaime going? Back to Casterly Rock, where he can now be Lord? Nope, not Jaime Lannister. Tommen is sending him to deal with Blackfish in the Riverlands. But Jaime has other plans. ..

Jaime’s Quest 2: Be More Useful to the Plot

The Wonder Incest Twins have a chat, wherein Jaime tells Cersei that he isn’t going to the Riverlands. He’s instead going to give Bronn, our favorite unscrupulous mercenary and friend of both Tyrion and Jaime on that trip to Dorne they had together, a lot of gold so he can round up other mercenaries to take down the Sparrows. Cersei tries to calm him but Jaime screams that the Sparrow “has our son, he stole our son!” This was interesting to me because we really kinda rarely see Jaime lose his cool. I think the brainwashing of his last living kid and his recent firing might have got to him. But Cersei keeps cool for both of them and suggests that Jaime goes to the head of their army and “show them where their loyalties lie” and basically implies that Jaime do with the Lannister army what they just tried to do with the Tyrell army. Jaime insists that he has to stay behind for Cersei’s trial, and Cersei deflects, saying that it’s a trial by combat and she already has the Mountain. And like any Cersei and Jaime scene, they make out a bunch. Gross. So Jaime is headed to the Riverlands. This may also put him on a crash course with Jon, Sansa and most importantly, Brienne. Will we see the re-ignition of that romance? Will Jaime remember Jon from that brief conversation they had at Winterfell back in Season one? Or will Tormund fight Jaime for Brienne’s hand? I’m excited to see what happens with this.

They May Take our Lives, but They’ll Never Take My Dragons

Lastly, in Essos, Dany and her kahlasar, minus Jorah is on the move to Mereen. She and Daario Naharis discuss plans and Daario insists that Dany is a conqueror and not a ruler. This is something we’ve seen. Dany can sack a city, raid a city, destroy its governmental system and bring it generally to its knees, but she hasn’t ever once put a new system in its place. She’s more of an Attila the Hun than an Alexander of Macedon. As they speak, Dany appears to sense something and rides off. Daario is puzzled, but the kahlasar remains where it is. Some time passes, and the Dothraki begin to grow restless. When Daario announces that he’s going to find her, we hear the all too familiar cry. A dragon. The shadow appears, casting darkness over most of the kahlasar: wings. It’s Drogon, all black and bigger than ever, who lands in front of the stunned Dothraki with their kahleesi on its back. Dany begins a very Braveheart esque speech, wherein she calls back to the speech Drogo made back in season one where he promised to “ride wooden horses” across the sea and “kill the men in their iron suits and tear down their stone houses”. This is getting the Dothraki pretty jazzed, and they all appear to be totally and completely devoted to their new dragon god queen. Drogon roars in triumph. Credits. Man, what a tactical advantage. A whole army of wild Dothraki berserkers, an army of highly trained Unsullied soldiers and a large group of crafty mercenaries with Daario’s Second Sons. Euron may have bit off more than he can chew with his whole marriage plan. Speaking of Euron, Daario said that to move Dany’s army she would need a thousand ships, the same number that Euron said he’d build. Don’t know if this gives any credence to a semi-popular fan theory that Daario and Euron are the same person, but that seems unlikely in the show and just a base coincidence. For more on the theory, check out Alt Shift X’s video on YouTube. Whichever way you slice it and however much some may dislike it, Kahleesi looks like she’s on her way to Westeros. Pray to the Old gods and the New.

Thanks for reading, berate me in the comments.

-Zach P.

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