Mistresses of Fortune

It seems like there are mistresses popping up everywhere these days eh? Seems like David Beckham (allegedly) and even that Ken Doll Ashton Kutcher (allegedly) have been at it. Neither mistress has a shred of evidence but as long as they've wangled a ten page spread in a tabloid I say nice work if you can get it.

Now don't get me wrong I think mistresses work hard for their money. I even started a fund for discarded mistresses who are finding it hard to make ends meet with my Adopt A Mistress This Christmas campaign which I put together with Camilla Parker Bowles as a consultant.

That said it would be hard not to laugh at the state of Irma Nici's dress sense (Beckham's alleged mistress who after selling her story to InTouch magazine has been slapped with a £16m writ by Beck's lawyers).

Whatever the ins and outs of Beck's trysts I just read an article about the InTouch/Beckham coverage that said, "A source close to Beckham last night said he believes [the article] may be part of a smear campaign to harm England’s chances of holding the World Cup in 2018."

Funny.

But I'm much more inclined to believe the conspiracy theory being bandied about that Beck's alleged affair is just a smokescreen to distract us from Posh n Becks gag inducing new perfume adverts. Come on, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear you know. See for yourself:

Um, sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little

Anyhow I was thinking about all this and how maybe I could get some of this fake mistress for cash action so I said to my husband, "What do you think? Do you think I could sell a story to the papers about having had a raunchy affair with a celeb?"

"With who?"

"I don't know. What about Gordon Ramsay? I could say I worked as a washer upper in one of his restaurants and before I knew what was happening my clothing had fallen off me and I was covered in suds and Ramsay was squirting me with Fairy Liquid."

"No. I don't think Gordon Ramsay would go for you."

[Hurt] "Why not?"

"You're not his type. I think Sven-Göran Eriksson would be a better bet. He'd go for you."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Okay I'll take it as a compliment. After all, he could have said Fabio Capello.

And what about you? Of all the celebs out there who do you think you could have 'had' - do you think you could have rung Nigella Lawson's bell or tinkled Paul McCartney's ivories? Do tell.