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MORNING MUGSHOT

Duke

November 7th, 2013

Guest Artist: Eduardo Vieira

We are excited to feature the amazing work of Eduardo Vieira on The Daily Mobster. He has generously supplied more than one mobster of his own design, so stay tuned for the continuing story that unfolds between his characters. If you haven’t found him already be sure to find him on Instagram, Blogger, Facebook, YouTube, or Twitter.

EXTRA EXTRA

BREAKING NEWS, OPINION, HUMOR, HOROSCOPE AND ADVICE

AUTHOR BEGS FOR MONEY

March 10th, 2014

You may have been harassed by a person wearing black, black suspenders and a hounds tooth cap. He is begging the locals for money; some have called it pan-handling. He wants to print books, oh, how lofty. He is directing people to something called a “Kickstarter” where he has made a small film and is giving away prizes. If you are interested in supporting the arts, or just a begging author, have a look at his postings.

READERS REPLY: PAN HANDLERS

March 1st, 2014

Some readers have been complaining about the increase in pan handling around town. One resident said there is a man wearing black, black suspenders and a hounds-tooth newsie cap asking people for money so he can print books. She thought it was such a strange request from a homeless man that she obliged but nonetheless feels uncomfortable and would like the DMPD to take control of the pan handlers around town.

What are your thoughts? Do you think there are too many pan handlers around town, have you been asked to fund a project to print books? Would you like the DMPD to do something about this? Write us at dailymobster@gmail.com

MARCH HOROSCOPES

March 1st, 2014

Aries:3/21-4/19 : March will be quiet for you. But prepare for next month. Something might eclipse your life.

Taurus:4/20-5/20 : Now that you’ve hopefully spent some time, safely indoors. Get out and be social, before you become full albino vampire.

Gemini:5/21-6/20 : This month is big for your career. Things will happen that might appear to be struggles but be ready for something big to happen at work. And I don’t mean big like the time they found that body in the freezer, in the back.

Cancer:6/21-7/22 : Your adventurous side will be sparked. You will travel, learn, philosophize, or even meet someone new. Don’t do them all at once though, that will just lead you into an underground trafficking ring while you are traveling and too busy to know better that these “new” people you are meeting don’t want to philosophize.

Leo:7/23-8/22 : Money, money, money! You will be compensated quite generously this month, but with taxes around the corner, be sure to hide your new found income under the mattress.

Virgo:8/23-9/22 : If you are a happy person, this month will likely be a happy one. If you are generally unhappy or sad, this month is going to be pretty grey. You will be amazed at how accurate this fortune is.

Libra:9/23-10/22 : This is your time to be productive, because sitting around in your pajamas, eating toffee, almond cookies isn’t getting you any closer to your goals. That said, you could be productive by setting a record for how many cookies a single person can eat in one hour. That might make you famous. Your choice, fat slob.

Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : You have come to the moment when you will find life lyrical, poetic, sentimental and lovely. You will likely fall in love. It could just be with a movie star, but that’s OK, you need to update that poster you have, taped above your bed to someone new.

Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : This is your month for focusing on your home. Perhaps that leaky roof needs repairs, perhaps a coat of paint, or maybe you just need to make it feel a little more like home. You’ve been away for a little to long and your spouse is starting to get suspicious. Fix something around the house and pretend like you care.

Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : Your normal routines will not serve you this month. You need to break out of your box and do something spontaneous. The crow sleeps in the nest tonight. And by spontaneous, I mean get out, go. The eagles are approaching. Seriously, do something spontaneous like, move to Mexico. May Day, May Day. Next month, we will address your thick skull and how you have no clue what I am talking about.

Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : You will have a surge of artistic creativity and a surge in money. It could be related to that creative counterfeiting business you just set up in your basement.

THE SNOWMAN STRIKES AGAIN?

February 16th, 2014

Two homeowners on the 800 block of Blake Street in the Gaslamp district have reported break-ins. The suspect is unconfirmed but evidence shows snow crystals tracked through the front halls and coal dust was found on the walls. The suspect is believed to have been scared off when the dog at the second house caught him. The homeowner woke to his dog chewing on a wet carrot.

RESOLUTIONS

January 5th, 2014

Dear Alphonse,

Is it corny and cliché to make New Years resolutions? Do people actually ever follow through with these resolutions?
Sincerely,
UnResolvedResolute

Dear UnResolvedResolute,

If you want hard figures, it seems to be around 14% of folks who make resolutions actually keep them. (Don’t ask me to cite that source. It was my resolution last year to document sources but I never was able to follow through). Those numbers certainly aren’t in your favor, but the funny thing about statistics is, all it takes is one outlier, one change to throw the whole set. By all means, make yourself feel better, if only for one week. Is it corny and cliché? Yes. But so is your overly accurate use of an accented E in the word cliché, so clearly you aren’t terribly concerned about being corny.

All that said, don’t make promises you can’t keep. That’s a good rule of thumb for just about anything. Read back about my advice to playing Two Card Monte if you want a look into promises. The better question is why you need January 1st to mean anything to you, why not decide to make a change to your life on March 10th or August 6th? If you need a box on a newly bought kitten calendar to ignite change in you, and you are worried about other people’s ability to keep resolutions rather than your own, that should be your answer.

In short, not to be harsh, but don’t bother with resolutions. Just do what needs to be done, no matter what day or year it is.

Capeesh?
Alphonse

Have a question you are dying to ask, need advice? Ask Alphonse your own question, about anything. Click the green link to the right or #AskAlphonse on Twitter

TWO CARD MONTE

November 7th, 2013

Dear Alphonse,

I once worked for a retail establishment. After I’d been there a few months, my boss took me aside and said that if anyone, ANYONE, ever bothered me, just let them know. It would be taken care of. A few weeks after that, one of my coworkers let me know I was working for a ‘company front business’, if you know what I mean. My question is – was I wrong to not give them the name of that one person who really needed a pair of cement overshoes?
Sincerely,HereThereBeSpiders

This company, they offer a service, no? The friendly reminder your boss gave to you was a nudge in the direction of said services. Now, whether you take him up on that offer or not is solely up to you and your needs. The manner in which he shared said offer most certainly implied that if he were in your shoes (un-cemented, hopefully), he’d be taking up his own offer.

I liken it to a game of pick a hand or two-card monte. Suppose you agree to play and choose the left hand. But, under the left hand is a a guy he knows, some slimy sucker like the one-eyed Jack. Well now you got yourself in a jam and so does he. Now you have to play another round, but this time he picks. He might honor your win and cut ole’ one-eyed out of the deck. This, of course, is not pleasant. You got what you wanted but he’ll carry that loss around, forever asking you to play again because you owe him a chance to win his loss back. Now the other outcome is that he doesn’t like your choice of card, ole’ one-eye is a good buddy he used to play kickball with back in St. Vinnie De Leon’s middle school. Now that’s a bad one because he looks real bad for backing out on his word and you look bad for picking on his friend Jackie boy. I don’t have to say it twice, but the outcome in that one, she ain’t so good.

But then you might choose the right hand. The right hand is just “Deuce” McDiamonds. Ain’t nobody ever bet two wooden nickles on “Deuce”; he’ll hardly be missed. Now you might think you are in the clear. On the one hand, maybe he plays a clean game and once the deal is settled it’s settled and you win. But my guess is that he is going to want to break even so he’ll forever be telling you that you owe him another round.

Then there’s the fifth option of not playing, which you said you did. That one is without direct consequence, but you’ll forever wonder what is under those cards. Hey, just like gambling, I can’t tell you which hand to pick, but I can give you the odds. And by my math, assuming you play, 1 out of 4 gets you a favorable outcome. And that four is a big IF. Nothing is free; he’s gonna want to try to win back his loss. So you can get rid of ole’ Jackie Boy but one day he’s gonna ask you to play Monte again and that fifth option won’t be available anymore.

Capeesh?
Alphonse

Have a question you are dying to ask, need advice? Ask Alphonse your own question, about anything. Click the green link to the right or #AskAlphonse on Twitter

Copyright 2013 The Daily Mobster & SketchbookJack, LLC Disclaimer: The content on this site is purely fictional and for humorous enjoyment. Any similarities between actual people, names, place or events is entirely coincidental. Do not take advice given in Ask Alphonse seriously. Don't take everything so literal ya rube.