Thursday, July 28, 2011

So, is it just me or do others feel like you'll never dig out of the hole? I know I CAN because I've done it a dozen times before. But just the starting is sooooooooo hard. It just doesn't make any sense because I feel soooo good when I'm healthier and I am so much more happy. Why, then, is it nearly impossible to begin? Why won't my mind cooperate with my wishes?? So frustrating.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

My worst nightmare - - sitting in front of a HUGE mirror with my eyes taped open and no way to escape. Just the thought of it makes me want to scream. But it happened (well, not the eye taping thing). This morning. I really had no choice. Well, actually I guess I did. I could choose to continue looking like an escapee from the 70s . . . OR . . . I could sit in front of a Big. Huge. Mirror. and get my hair cut. Before I made that choice, I looked in a mirror. I looked with only one eye open (and it was squinting) and I was trying to aim for the neck up. It just took one quick glance and I knew I had to do it. So, I took a big girl pill (no pun intended). And I sat in front of that Big. Huge. Mirror. I sat there for an hour. I averted my eyes. I closed my eyes. I wished my eyes had been taped SHUT. I tried to find my happy place. And then . . . it was finally over. I glanced in the mirror trying only to look at the hair. It looked awesome. I loved it. I guess the moral of this story is that sometimes we have to do hard things that we don't want to do. And sometimes hard things turn out good. So, was it worth sitting in front of the Big. Huge. Mirror?? Yes! Will I do it again? Yes!! Do I still hate it? Yes!!

Friday, July 22, 2011

I guess I just have to face it . . . this is my life . . . always has been . . . always will be. Maybe the mistakes I have made in the past when I lost weight was thinking that I had won. I lost weight and felt good and I hoisted the trophy high above my head. (With no arms jiggling, I might add.) Victory!! I don't think I ever got cocky - I think I just started to feel "normal". "Normal" felt really good. And so I would begin to relax. I had made it! BIG BIG BIG MISTAKE! I need to get it through my head that I will never be "normal"(whatever that is). Which is not to say that I can never be happy, because those are two entirely separate things. I AM happy . . . very happy . . . I'm just not "normal". I just need to remember that this IS my life, and that when (not if, but when) I lose weight (again), it is just the beginning. I can never let down. Ever. Never ever.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I will confess here and now . . . I do love my reality TV. So, yes, I was watching a rerun of Real Housewives of New Jersey last night. It was the episode of Joe and Melissa's Christmas party - - the lavish one devoted to the whole reason for Christmas - - the birth of our Savior - - you know, it was the party with the casino and gambling - - yeah, that one. I just really don't get that, but then again, I'm not from New Joisey and I'm not rich. So who am I to judge? But, anyway, Melissa and Joe were talking to a party planner - - - this guy was a real jerk. (Sorry, but he was.) This is what he said about the servers. "You don't want rolly polly ones, with their bellies hanging over. That's what poor people get." Okay, he didn't really say "poor people" - - I can't remember exactly what he said - - but it was just as offensive and ridiculous. He went on to say that "classy people get the model type, the good looking ones." Alright, again he didn't say "classy people" - - but he did say something LIKE that! Now, I'm not really rolly polly (well, maybe I am in denial about that), but my belly DOES hang over once in a while, depending on what I'm wearing. But I could be just as good a server as the "model type." Probably better because I would have more energy because at least I eat AND I have more personality! What is with people these days???? To be fair, though, it's not just the New Joisey people, it's people. Period. People love to stereotype. It's much easier and much more time efficient to just THINK you know someone instead of actually investing the time to REALLY get to know someone. Their loss. Well, actually, we all lose.And, by the way, remember when I said that my last few days had been good? Well, that was before these latest last few days. I have been on a serious up, and not in a good way. Why does it have to be so hard for some of us? Oh well. Today is a new day. I will take it minute by minute, then hopefully day by day.

Monday, July 18, 2011

If there is anybody reading this post who thinks that fat jokes are funny . . . well, I was going to tell you to stop reading and go away. But after thinking about it for a minute, please continue reading - you may learn a thing or two.

I was on Facebook this weekend and someone had posted "Fat people are harder to kidnap." That is so hilarious, I thought sarcastically. I don't take offense anymore when I hear fat jokes, because I know some people are just stupid and care only about themselves. But, it did make me curious . . . so I did a little online research. I guess I wasn't surprised at what I found, although I was saddened and disgusted. Countless sites for "so fat" jokes, "yo mama" fat jokes, images of fat people jokes, videos on YouTube of fat jokes. So, then I got a little more curious and found that fat people aren't the only victims of this type of media meanness. Ugly people jokes, mean insults, rude insults, girlfriend insult jokes, racial black jokes, you're so white jokes, mexican jokes, disabled and wheelchair jokes . . . and on and on and on. I guess I knew when I started looking what I would find. So it only confirmed what I really already knew - - - some people are mean. And thoughtless. And ignorant. And just really, really sad. And pathetic. (Did I just sound a little bit like Taylor Swift?!) BUT, what I really came away with after seeing all the ugliness on the internet is the realization that I am so blessed and grateful to have wonderful people in my life. And I KNOW that the kind and compassionate and wonderful people of the world outnumber the mean and self-absorbed people of the world. At least for now. I think that each of us should feel an obligation in life to touch as many people as we can with kindness and compassion. A smile, a kind word . . . small things mean so much. Who knows? Maybe if we touch the right person's heart, and then they touch someone's heart, and so on, there might be less fat people joke sites on the web one day. Or less rude insults, or less racial jokes, and on and on and on . . . Give it a try - minute by minute, day by day.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I grew up in Southern California.Every summer my sisters and I would head to the beach, almost every day, lifeguard station 17, Huntington Beach.I’m not really sure why lifeguard station 17, except maybe the lifeguard looked like Paul Anka, who my oldest sister idolized.And since she was the oldest, she would pick where we went.We’d pick an empty spot on the sand, mark our territory with our towels and then after slathering myself with cocoa butter or baby oil, I would head off to the water.My sisters didn’t go in the water much, they preferred to sun bathe and boy watch.Ugh. Me?I loved being in the water.To be honest, I didn’t really like the sun that much and liked boys even less.I think when the Beach Boys sang “I wish they all could be California girls,” they weren’t talking about me.So, the water was the place for me.Back then I didn’t care what I looked like.I didn’t care if people stared at me (I don’t know if they did - - but if they did, I wouldn’t have cared).I wasn’t a fat child.I wasn’t thin, but I definitely wasn’t fat.I just wanted to have fun!And I did!

As I look back now, I think the time I started caring about (or realizing) what my body looked like was in junior high school.Junior high school kids can be really mean.That’s when I noticed people looking and judging and labeling - - not just at me, but EVERYONE was judged and labeled.You could be “cool” or “sweet” or a “dork” or “retarded” or a “fatso” or any other number of mostly not very nice things.I’m not sure what I was labeled, but I know I wasn’t “cool” or “sweet.”Definitely not “cool.”So, I THINK that was the beginning of my love affair with food.It didn’t judge you.It didn’t put ugly labels on you (although it did put ugly pounds on you).Food was a really nice companion.For a while.But sometimes even nice companions will turn on you.

Oh, and by the way, I have been doing pretty good the last few days. I haven't been lounging as much (although I have yet to get on the treadmill). I haven't gorged myself with food, either. I have been almost "normal." Could this be the beginning of an "up"??? We shall see what today brings :)

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

No such thing as a “food addict” my foot!As I sit here I am thinking about what I can eat.I start to get up and go to the kitchen . . . then I sit back down again.I’M NOT HUNGRY!!But I DO want to eat.But I won’t.Because I’m on the road to recovery!Minute by minute, day by day. So THIS minute, I am not going to eat.

I’m no expert on food addiction or weight loss or ANYTHING, really.The term “expert witness,” in legal terms, means “a person who is a specialist in a subject, often technical . . . the expert is qualified by evidence of his/her expertise, training and special knowledge . . .”So, I guess, technically, I AM an expert and could testify in court!I have tons of expertise and special knowledge of being overweight!I AM a specialist in the subject!So, guess that means that if you ever need an expert witness to testify about what it feels like to be overweight and the emotional pain and garbage that goes with it, I’m your girl!!But then, there are probably millions of us “experts” out there.

So, hang in there all you experts!Today is a new day, and there are a lot of minutes left in this day to conquer!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Okay, let me just preface this by saying that if you are naturally thin, you will not understand any of this.To everyone else . . . welcome!

I need to keep this journal but don’t really know how to start.So, I’ll just dive in.I have always struggled (seems like such a mild word J) with my weight.When I was single and living by myself, I would order a birthday cake for me (no, it wasn’t really my birthday - -that was just a ruse) from the Knott’s Berry Farm bakery.Which, I must say, is the most wonderful bakery EVER! I would then take that cake back to my apartment where I could be alone.And I would slice a big piece, making sure I had at least one full rose on it, and then I would eat.And eat.And eat. The buttercream frosting was so thick and yummy, and the roses were to die for.It was d.e.l.i.c.i.o.u.s.Well, that first piece was delicious. . . after the first piece I’m not sure I even tasted it, I think I just ate to eat.I would eat until I felt sick, and then I would become disgusted with myself, cry, and throw the rest away. And vow never to do it again.I didn’t date much in those days.Okay, I didn’t date at all. But I told myself I didn’t need to . . . I was having a love affair with my cake . . . and my pizza . . . and my Baskin Robbins . . . and. . . well, you understand, I’m sure.My weight has been up and down and then up again, and years later, down again, then months later, up again.And so on and so on.Fortunately for me, when I met my husband I was on a “down.”Unfortunately for him, after we got married, I was on an “up.”Fortunately for me, he loves me either way.

So, fast forward . . .

At a work Christmas luncheon about 2 ½ years ago, a co-worker was taking pictures. (I really, really hate cameras.)A week or so later I saw one of those pictures . . . me sitting at the table with everyone else, and it was as if a lightning bolt went through my body and lodged in my brain - - I was so filled with disgust at how I looked. I never ever thought I looked that bad.Maybe that’s because I would do anything to avoid mirrors or ANYTHING that reflected - - sound familiar?I cut my own hair for years because I hated sitting in a salon in front of that Big. Huge. Mirror.Waterboarding?A piece of cake (no pun intended).An overweight person having to sit in front of a mirror - - now THAT is torture. Not to mention way bad for the self-esteem JAnyway, after seeing that picture I decided right then and there that I didn’t want to look like that anymore.So, with that lightning bolt still embedded in my brain, I went into action . . . and I lost about 80 pounds and felt GREAT! I was on a major “down.”Major.It was awesome.Instead of dreading getting up in the morning and going to work, I was excited to get up and pick out what clothes I wanted to wear - - because for the first time in a very, very long time, I actually had a choice. . . AND . . . I looked good in clothes!! Instead of making excuses not to go on family outings, I looked forward to them! I was more social, more self-confident, more happy . . . life was good!I even started running with my daughter, which was great!

Drum roll . . . .

THEN . . . last November I got sick and couldn’t exercise for a few weeks.Sigh.That was the beginning of the “up.”To make a long, sad story short . . . I have gained back the weight and once more feel so sad and like such a loser.I don’t like myself.All I do is sit on the couch, watch TV and eat.I am lethargic, I hate to be around people, I have no clothes to wear, I have no energy, I look terrible, and feel like a nothing.I HATE those things!They are BAD! Bad things!! Comparing how I felt the last couple of years, and how I’ve felt the last 6-7 months, well . . . it SUCKS!!!!!So . . .

Another drum roll . . . .

TODAY . . . I have decided that I am making another change.It wasn’t a lightning bolt moment for me this time.But instead I realized that I am slowly killing myself.I am not a proponent of suicide – don’t think it’s a good idea at all . . . I don’t think it’s right when people jump out of buildings or put a gun in their mouth.But it occurred to me the other day as I was struggling to breathe (and not to cry) as I walked up a flight of stairs - - I am doing the same thing - - I AM KILLING MYSELF!No, I don’t plan to jump out of a window or blow my brains out (yuk).My method of suicide is much slower (and not as messy).I am eating myself to death. I am lounging myself to death. Every time I put a spoonful (it’s a VERY BIG spoon) of ice cream in my mouth, I am killing myself.Every time I decide (make an excuse??) to lounge on the couch like a big blob of fat instead of getting on the treadmill, I am killing myself.And every time I say, “I’ll start tomorrow,” I am killing myself. I guess you could say that food is the gun that I am pointing to my head.

Well, today is tomorrow, and it’s time to put a stop to this madness.I want my children to see me making strides to be happy again, and to make myself into someone they can be proud of . . . more importantly, I guess, someone that I can be proud of.And as all of our children leave the house in a few short months, one by one, to start their own wonderful and exciting journeys of life, it will be me and my husband again . . . alone . . . in the house . . . alone . . . once again alone . . . did I say we’d be alone??We haven’t been alone in a very, very long time.The way I feel about myself now, it is not very exciting to think about.But as I IMAGINE how I CAN be and how I WANT to be, I am thrilled at the thought of the two of us being alone again, after 22 years . . .just the two of us . . . getting to know each other post-housefullofchildren, being best friends, doing fun things together, and just enjoying time together.The best of life is yet to come!

Yet another drum roll . . .

SO, today is the day that I turn things around.Today is the beginning of the most wonderful “down” I’ll ever have!And I really mean it! Struggles?I’ll always have them.Cake?I’ll probably always want it.Life?I WANT TO LIVE IT!!!!!Come along for the ride.