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Friday, February 4, 2011

I Am Green with Jealousy About the Affair

That's right. I am jealous. I want to experience the excitement of doing something so wrong. If you haven't had an affair, can you imagine how much passion was in the sex because it was just so wrong. Dang. Whatever, I want that. Sure, sex with my husband is fine because we love each other. But I bet the sex he had with her was spectacular. Not only that, because it was so new, it was great just because of that.

I want that. I am so jealous that my husband had that and I can't. Sure, I could go out and have an affair. Would I? Absolutely not. I would never disrespect my children that way. Come on, what kind of mother would I be to cheat on my husband. Yeah, exactly. My selfish husband never thought about that. It's also funny how I didn't say that I would never disrespect my husband that way. How could I care about disrespecting him after how disrespectful he was to me. He would deserve me to cheat on him, however, my kids do not deserve that.

I am an example to my children. I am an example of how they should live life. Now, what kind of example would I be if I went off with another man who wasn't their father? It disgusts me.

If I were selfish, like many cheaters, I wouldn't even think about it and fulfill my desire of having the same type of relationship he had with his mistress. However, I care too much about other people to hurt them as much as my husband has hurt me. I wish everyone would think about others before thinking of only themselves...there may not be so many cheaters in the world.

2 comments:

"It's also funny how I didn't say that I would never disrespect my husband that way. How could I care about disrespecting him after how disrespectful he was to me. He would deserve me to cheat on him..."

I disagree with this rational. I was also cheated on by my, now, spouse. We were not married when she cheated on me but we are now. When I first found out I was devastated. I wondered how I could stay with her after that. Would I look at her the same way? Would I still love her like I did before? There were so many questions that ran through my mind as well as a ton of emotions. I wanted to get revenge. I wanted her to feel the pain I was feeling. I wanted things to be "even". I thought that if I went out and had an affair, that would make everything ok. I was very close to doing just that. The one and only thing that kept me from it - love, plain and simple. You see...even though it hurt me to my core, I still loved her. That alone kept me from going out and "respecting her"...and myself in the process. If you still have an ounce of love left for your husband, then let that be the reason you don't disrespect him and have an affair. Not just because of your children, but also because you love your husband.

It took me two years, counseling, praying and a bunch of outbursts to finally get over the affair. I'm still not sure that I am completely over it and don't know if I ever will be. However, I do know that I have freed myself from the jail that I was in. The constant paranoia, the worrying, the anger I felt, the checking up constantly to see if anything else was going on. I had spent so much time being a detective for her that I had inadvertently placed myself into a prison of paranoia.

We are a much stronger and more loving couple today. I pray that God restores your marriage, your trust, your self-esteem, your love, your faith, your life.

You are right. I do love my husband. That's the biggest surprise out of all this. It's amazing how strong unconditional love can be. You are also probably right about my real reasons why not wanting to cheat on him. I don't think it's the only reason but rather the children and my own conscience just strengthens my unwillingness to have an affair. I just could never do it...

It took you two years...I have read that two years is the normal time frame that people report "recovery". I am 6 months in and I groan at the thought that I may have 18 months to go.

I also pray to God that he continues to give you strength and blesses you for your goodness.