10 of the most useless superpowers ever created

Love them because they’re fantastical, or hate them because they’re often corny and don’t help push the narrative along a logical path, superpowers are more popular than ever. No longer sitting in the back row to other forms of hero stories, superhero movies are at the forefront of Hollywood. The Avengers and The Dark Knight are not only considered super spectacles, but legitimately decent films. One of the most well-received games in the board and card gaming world, Sentinels of the Multiverse, is based on gameplay of a team of superpowers fighting their arch nemeses. There are multiple superhero-based MMOs, and television has been dipping into the super-powered formula for quite a while now.

What we don’t normally see, though, are superpowers that are downright silly. We rarely have (worthwhile) super-powered comedies, so it’s a little tough to see ridiculous powers that are canonical to a story. They exist — don’t you worry — and we’ve got ten of our favorites right here.

The Defenestrator

As part of the Hitman series, written by Garth Ennis, the Defenestrator (seen above holding the window, as his name suggests) is part of Section Eight, Ennis’ superhero parody team. Led by Sixpack, who harnesses the superpower of drunkenness, Section Eight is Ennis’ dislike of superpowers manifested into a hilarious B-team. Filled out with members such as Dogwelder, who spot welds dead canines to villains, and Friendly Fire, who can shoot power energy bolts but only ever seems to hit teammates with them, Section Eight could fill out this list by itself. However, we’ve chosen to focus on Ennis’ parody of Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator 2, the Defenestrator. He holds the superpower of carrying around a window and throwing people through it.

Dazzler

You may remember Dazzler from the old X-Men arcade game, where she bounced around the screen throwing pretty lights at enemies. Dazzler was actually created as a cross-promotion with Casablanca Records. She essentially had the powers of disco, and was amusingly created around the time disco died. She’s a mutant with the ability to turn audio vibrations into energy and light that just so happened to convey a trippy look reminiscent of a club’s dance floor.

Though she started out as a disco queen, Dazzler eventually dabbled in other genres of music, such as rock and — believe it or not — adult contemporary. Yes, Dazzler not only harnessed the power of disco, but if adult contemporary is blaring through the air, bad guys beware.

Captain Hindsight

Being able to harness the power of prescience would be a dream come true for just about anyone. You could predict everything that would happen, and know exactly what to do in order to get a desired result. Unfortunately for Captain Hindsight, he only knows exactly what should have happened after it already happened. Cruise ship crash into an iceberg? Probably shouldn’t have pushed the boat to its very limit and perhaps also kept a better watch of the ocean. Lose a ton of money gambling? Probably should’ve bet it all on black instead of red. At least Captain Hindsight helps us study the past so we’re not doomed to repeat it.

Moist

A trusted friend — and technically henchman — of Dr. Horrible’s, Moist has the superpower to make things somewhat damp. Unfortunately for Moist, the power to make things wet simply manifests as him seeming like he’s sweaty all the time, leaving stains on his clothing and fingerprints on anything he touches. He actually suffered from dry skin as a child, but when his father bought him a humidifier powered by plutonium, Moist was infused with the powers of dampness. He may not be able to send a tidal wave surging in your direction, but he can at least make your clothes kind of uncomfortable until you dry off later.

Meg’s fingernail growth

In the Family Guy episode “Family Guy Viewer Mail #1,” one of the three stories involves the Griffins gaining superpowers after being exposed to toxic waste. While Stewie developers telekinetic abilities, Lois develops super strength, Peter becomes able to shapeshift, Chris can invoke fire, and Brian obtains super speed, Meg gains the ability to grow her nails somewhat longer than they naturally are. They don’t get harder or sharper, they just get a little longer. It wouldn’t be Family Guy if Meg didn’t get the shaft, but at least she can reach a little farther down her back and squash the villainy of hard-to-reach itches.