Monday, February 22, 2010

How Atheists Can Cash in on the Rapture

(Here's a reprise of an earlier post...appropriate for today's events)

In a post-rapture world, it is believed that atheists and agnostics may be faced with horrendous living conditions on Earth. However, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. With pre- and post-rapture business opportunities already beginning to spring up around the country, life on earth for those of you who aren’t going to make it through to the next round may still have somewhat of a silver lining if you plan ahead.

We were able to find a couple of businesses that have already begun cashing in on the rapture business. One of them, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA is a pet-sitting service offered by atheists who are pretty sure that although righteous pet owners will make it into heaven, their pets may not be so lucky. So, for a fee paid prior to the rapture, they will care for your earthbound pet once you’ve crossed over.

Taking Eternal Earth-Bound Pets’ lead, we’ve come up with a few other business ideas that we believe have great potential of thriving before, during and after the rapture period. We urge you to act fast:

Heathen Life Insurance – For those of you who know you are going to be caught up in the rapture, but are also pretty certain that your wayward spouses or children will be left behind, this insurance will make incremental cash payouts as needed to your loved ones for incidentals like fire-proof clothing, dental work due to increased gnashing of teeth, and ear plugs to drown out the incessant sound of moaning .

Pre-Paid MRE Gift Certificates – MRE’s (meals ready to eat) are a staple of the potential disaster crowd and you can cash in on the craze too by buying up stores of MRE’s and then selling gift certificates to those who are sure they will be raptured to give to their less-fortunate family members to cash in once the apocalypse is upon them. You’ll be selling peace of mind to your clients that the loved ones they left behind will have at least one square meal a day thanks to their capacity to plan ahead.

Psychological Counseling Services for Evangelists and False Prophets – That’s right, the ones who preached the hardest about fire and brimstone, but who, in the end, didn’t make the final cut, will be left down here to be ridiculed by the very people they ridiculed. They are going to need the most help dealing with their failure, and with all that money in their coffers, you may just clean up.

Reality Counselors – As with fallen religious figures, there are going to be a huge number of regular folks as well left behind who honestly thought they would be caught up in the rapture. They will be disillusioned and in denial, but with the proper counseling, they may eventually come to accept their Lot in life and carry on as if nothing has changed thanks to your psychological handiwork.

Post-Rapture Storage Facilities – Start selling post-rapture storage space to those who know for a fact that they are going to be swept up but can’t stand the thought of looters going after their art collections, expensive jewelry, or family heirlooms. All you need to do is buy up a few blocks of storage space, preferably climate-controlled and fire-proof, in every city in every state, and then rake in the dollars as you allow folks to load them up with their valuables.

Anti-Christ Weapons Dealer – While no one really knows what type of weapon can kill an Anti-Christ or if such a weapon actually exists, the majority of folks left on earth after the rapture are going to want to do everything in their power to protect themselves from the evil that is to come. You may be able to capitalize on their fear by selling guns that shoot silver bullets, wooden stakes and the ever popular Star Wars light sabers.

“Days of the Apocalypse” 2013 Calendars, Coins and Plates Pre-Sale – Start taking deposits now of $5 each for orders on calendars, commemorative coins and collective plates depicting scenes from the end days believed to hit around December 21, 2012. This isn’t just a world event, it is anticipated to be “the” world event and how better to commemorate it than with beautifully crafted calendars, coins and collective plates?

You see, it may be too late for you to get caught up in the rapture, or you may not even be concerned about being caught up in the rapture, but you can make a quick buck off of it if you plan early enough.

PlayBuzz Quizzes

Total Pageviews

Whaddaya Wanna Know?

I am officially a writer now, having been published in a book titled "The Net's Best Satire, Vol. I, on sale through Kindle and Barnes & Noble Nook, as well as having several of my stories published in the well-known Satire Magazine, Humor Times. My stories also appear on a couple of satire websites, including, the Spoof, Glossy News and HumorTimes.com. I found my funny voice and I am bringing it to you through my blogs. I hope you enjoy what you read and come back often.

The Baby Dictionary

THIS IS SATIRE

In case you haven't figured it out yet, this is a satire blog site and as such, nothing on these pages is real--it's all make believe. So don't bother getting upset about it. And if something does ring true, remember, some things you just can't make up.

widget

The unfunny part of the page

There's nothing funny about copyright infringement, so please, don't take what belongs to me, or I might have to ridicule you in public.

All material on this page is originally written by P. Beckert and as such is the sole property of P. Beckert and isaidlaughdammit.blogspot.com.

Any use of the material without written permission by P. Beckert will be pursued to the full extent of the law, including, but not limited to having the offending site taken down.