Pope Michael Declares Emergency to Install Communion Rails

Pope Michael announced Friday that he was declaring a state
of emergency to construct communion rails in all Catholic churches across the
globe.

Bypassing Pope Francis, Michael said he would use executive
action “granted to him by God” to siphon money from the Knights of Columbus as
well as Peter’s Pence to help pay for the rails, an aide said.

Michael made the announcement from his rose garden as he
claimed immigration of the laity moving from the pews and into the sanctuary
was “an invasion of Heaven.”

News that Michael would soon declare the emergency prompted
condemnations from many liberals, as well as threats of lawsuits from several bishops
who said that he was “abusing an authority that was not his to abuse.”

“Only Pope Francis has the right to abuse papal authority,” said an anonymous bishop. “This is an unlawful declaration over a crisis that does not exist. It does great violence to our new all-are-welcome-at-the-table style Church and makes Catholicism less welcoming.”