Mid day, in a normal house on a normal street- turns out it's an old ass house in the hood, the Koolaid man sits in wait outside against a wall, waiting for his que. "Man, this job is getting old...." He was in deep thought about his future when from the other end of the wall, he heard "Oh no! Nigga, you broke ma vase! Dat shit's espensive!" He burst through the wall, with a loud "OH YEAAAAH". There was a silence for a moment, then the African American man who was yelling about a vase spoke up.

"BITCH YOU BROKE MY WALL! YOU GONNA PAY FO DAT! And what the fuck you talkin 'bout 'Oh yeah'? You ain't the one gotta pay fo dis shit! Jimmy get ma gap, this nigga gonna get capped!." The man had a mad look in his eyes and began drooling, as his white ass friend went to get his gun. "You know what? I got an idea, you gonna gimmi yo self." Kool-Aid Man began backing away from the crazed man and tried to reason. "You don't have to do this man, here, I'll hook you up with some Koolaid! We're cool, right man?" The man was not deterred as his friend came back giving him a pistol. "You know how much weed I'ma have to sell to pay fo this shit?" The man pointed the gun, and fired three shots.

They merely bounced off Kool-Aid Man, all coincidentally hitting Jimmy in the chest. Jimmy stood there, not seeming effected by the bullets at all. Kool-Aid Man was shocked, and asked "How the fuck are you still standing?" "Man, I got my bling!" The white boy replied, as he lifted a mesh of gold chains from under his shirt, with the bullets jammed in them. "Guess we just gonna have ta drink ya then, homie!" the black man replied, as they both walked closer to Kool-Aid Man. "This is the last time I come to the ghetto...." Kool-Aid Man said.

Chapter One, end. Made at request. Am I horrible at writing or do you all wanna see more of this train wreck?

Qualna wrote:I'm glad there's another Kool-Aid story out there in the making. Now I don't have to finish mine.

Can't you do it out of the kindness of your heart? Having a story about Jap Kool-Aid and one about nig Kool-Aid being produced at the same time might be cool.

Who am I kidding, you won't do it.

L wrote:Buck, where's my tokens?

I said it had to be decent. This wasn't put together well, but I've seen worse first attempts. For one thing, mistakes in grammar (not counting the ebonics) are present. It also feels pretty generic/cliche because of the Kool-Aid/black people dynamic you have going so far. It's not very lengthy for an entire chapter, and there's not really enough lead-up or exposition that adequately explains the setting, the characters (I can forgive this one though if you are good at characterization in the story itself), or what happened leading up to these events. For example, why did Kool-Aid man choose this neighborhood/house? What were the African American and his "white ass" friend doing before Kool-Aid Man showed up? What caused the vase to break? These are just some details that could have been added to make the story a more entertaining read. Mood/atmosphere is huge, and you have to augment it with good writing.

Other than that, it's just not very descriptive, and I really feel like you could do more with a premise as ridiculous as the adventures of Kool-Aid Man. Have fun with it; be creative.

Admittedly I did laugh imagining these events because KAM makes everything funny, and I liked the small twist about the bling. Again, more could have been done with it, but that wasn't a bad idea in itself.

Not that I'm expecting some sort of literary masterpiece, but I would like to see more effort put into the writing. You did at least make an attempt though, and for that, you get a pat on the back. The tokens will have to wait though.