Three Questions for a Happy Marriage

Hillel’s famous aphorism as a guide to marriage.

Hillel used to say: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Ethics of the Fathers 1:14)

Looking for advice on how to have a happy marriage? Hillel’s famous aphorism in Ethics of the Fathers provides us great insight into human relationships and especially marriage.

When you become mindful of these three questions, you will create the balance and perspective needed for a successful relationship.

1) If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

No one else can change your reality but you. You cannot rely on anyone else to help you, especially if you do not help yourself. What can you do to change the situation? Part of emotional maturity in a relationship is taking personal responsibility. While it may be easy to focus on what your spouse is doing wrong, the only person you have the power to change is yourself. Waiting for your spouse to change will only bring you heartache. This victim mentality is paralyzing as it holds us back from seeking a real solution for our situation and it leads to further resentment and ill will.

I am always amazed when I hear stories about successful people who have overcome adversity. How did they get through those challenges in their life? They did not wallow in self-pity. They picked themselves up and did what they could to achieve what they wanted in their life.

In a marriage, it takes two to tango. We both contribute to the situation in which we find ourselves, for good or for bad. If your relationship is strained, what are you doing to bring this rupture about? What can you do differently to change the situation? How can you be the best spouse you can be? When you develop an attitude of personal responsibility, it has a ripple effect in the relationship. It is actually a more effective way of bringing about change in your spouse than blaming them for your woes and expecting them to do the work.

2) And if I am only for myself, what am I?

The trap of personal responsibility is that we can become self-righteous. When our spouse is upset, we may quip, “I have worked on myself. This is your ‘stuff’ and you need to deal with it.” Our personal growth should not come at the expensive of being callous to another in pain.

Being in relationship is the greatest opportunity to develop compassion for another human being. Lend a caring ear, validate their feelings, and provide empathy for their situation. Knowing they can count on you to be there for them in their pain, is often what they may need to heal and move forward.

3) And if not now, when?

There is no better moment to heal your relationship than now. Couples fool themselves by thinking their relationship can coast on auto-pilot and they can work on it later. Life is busy and it may seem like there are more pressing issues to attend to than your relationship.

Big mistake. Don’t wait until your kids get older and leave the house. Don’t wait until you make more money and can afford to get help. We never know how much time we have on this planet. Tragic stories of people who are here today and gone tomorrow wake us up and provide us with a greater appreciation of the present. Now is the time to create your ideal relationship. Now is the time to start being kinder and more appreciative to your spouse. Now is the time to make your marriage a priority. Asking yourself, “If not now, when?” reminds you of your sacred duty to wake up and take action. Don’t look back on the missed opportunity and regret years of your relationship that could have been remarkable.

It is easy for a relationship to live on default mode. Hillel is challenging us to be mindful of three very important questions that allow us to assume responsibility for our role in the relationship, while simultaneously encouraging us to be there for our spouse. And if we have any hesitation, he exhorts us to begin now.

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About the Author

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is a Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist working with couples, singles, and families and international lecturer on relationships. He is the author of The Jewish Marriage Book: How to Improve Your Relationship One Jewish Holiday at a Time which is available for free on www.theMarriageRestorationProject.com

Visitor Comments: 6

(4)
Michelle,
December 20, 2013 7:25 AM

I'm not Jewish but I really love, like and respect the way Judaism practices marriage. I'm very in love with my husband but I think I drive him crazy sometimes. I want to go back to basics and be a good wife to him. Any traditional advice I will appreciate. Much Love Michelle

(3)
Bobby5000,
May 25, 2013 8:04 AM

a friend too

I think one important thing is to be a friend. Imagine a husband has a financial downturn. Things can work two ways.

Or, "I can't believe this, you know Jack's tuition bill is due on the 15th and the school sent a notice about late fees, I just can't believe this is happening now." And she calls 45 friends telling them about their financial problems. And he realizes that whatever the problems were, he only made things worse by telling his wife.

Or his wife can say, honey, sit down, relax, I"I love you and we'll work through this,

(2)
Rosen,
May 22, 2013 1:45 PM

how could marriage really be for everyone?

If marriage is really for everyone, then why do 1/2-2/3 end up in divorce, esp. in America, both intermarriages and traditional marriages? I know Aish.com concurs that love doesn't conquer all, but it seems like there's a kind of contradiction that the Torah states in saying "it is not good for man to be alone." Hmmmmm....

Anonymous,
May 24, 2013 7:55 PM

No contradiction

There is compatibility which needs to be found out before marriage, which includes life goals, values, respect, attraction, and chemistry. After marriage the road to love is continually working on making it work. If this is met one is a better person for it, with much deeper sayisfaction in life. Where is the contradiction? Love that comes before all that is superficial, very different than the love that comes after.

(1)
Anonymous,
May 20, 2013 12:02 PM

Do not agree with point 1

After 18 years of a bad marriage my wife suggested we go to therapy as she was hoping it would get me to treat her better. The result of the therapy was that she was way more than 50% of the problem. From day one I was was the fourth fiddle, after her father, mother, and brother. I knew the spouse is #1 but she did not. She could not understand that the spouse is #1 (yes before parents). Now things are much better. Spouse - both male and female need to be taught before the wedding that they are each other's # 1.

Camandres,
October 9, 2013 10:01 AM

It's an old teaching...

We are taught that we must leave our parents in order to become one... The issue is that parents sometimes find it difficult to let go and, either they manipulate their "child" to depend on the nest or they don't encourage their offspring to fly away to their new home. My father always stressed: "your family is your wife and children, the rest just become relatives". Of course we need to care for parents but we must understand what we are taught in the Torah when it comes to build our own and independent home.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

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