I believe you can tell a lot about a celebrity by the products they shill. Michael Jordan was some sort of sports guy, so he wanted you to buy hyper-expensive Nike shoes. Jamie Lee Curtis assumes you have trouble shitting, so she invented yogurt. And if Larry the Cable Guy doesn’t eat straight Prilosec, he turns into a Xenomorph. The two celebrity endorsers I find the most interesting are Alex Jones and Gwyneth Paltrow. Though they’re about as different as you can possibly get on the surface, both have put together lucrative side businesses … in a lot of instances, selling the exact same things. Jones sells (and claims to take) so many supplements that I have a theory he’s actually a beanbag chair stuffed with pills, while Paltrow is more generally into anything that sounds dumb. But strangely, they do share some common ground. For instance …

5

They Both Want Your Kids To SHUT UP FOR FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES

Infowars Sells:

Alex Jones blames “modern mind control” — which is everything from music to sugar to unspecified globalist concoctions — on kids being unable to focus and calm the hell down. Luckily, he’s here to force-feed your children catnip and lemon balm in hopes of allowing you precious fucking minutes of peace to scrapbook all of the wonderful times you’ve had with your them.

In the commercial for Child Ease, Alex Jones credits himself with developing it, while also stating, “Young humans have not yet developed their nervous system.” Which makes me question his credentials as an inventor of things that go inside a child’s body. He knows we’re born with nervous systems, right? Also, saying “young humans” makes him sound like an alien. If you took the Child Ease commercial and had Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama narrate it, it would make infinitely more sense.

Goop Sells:

Chill Child is a “calming mist” which somehow uses sonically tuned gem elixirs and Reiki-charged crystals to “get your kiddos to chill.” It may look exactly like what you would use to spray water on a cat to get it off your kitchen counter, but you’re not supposed to spray it directly on a child. And for the love of god do not let them inhale it, that would be crazy. It goes on their aura. I can only assume that once the child’s aura is sufficiently coated in this mist, it dies, leaving your child an auraless husk and you free to do Pilates.

I’m pretty sure “sonically tuned gem elixirs” is code for some rocks Gwyneth Paltrow sang to. However, digging a little deeper, I found that it’s way dumber than that. Both “moonlight” and “love” are legitimately listed as ingredients. I can’t help but think all this spray will do is make screaming sticky children slightly chamomile-scented, which I guess is technically an improvement. At least you’ll be able to smell them coming, so you have time to hide.

4

They Both Want You To Enjoy Big, Meaty Boners

Super Male Vitality uses something called extraction technology, along with various herbs and extracts, to give you a super good boner. Just ask Boner King Alex Jones, or this commercial, which features Alex Jones calling a man doing a push-up “unprecedented.” (Something that I assume is 100 percent true for Alex Jones.)

You see, according to Alex Jones, who is to boners what Jesus was to Lazarus, someone is putting “estrogen mimickers” in the food and water supply, which are werewolfing men into the worst possible thing he can imagine: women. Only Alex Jones can save you from this terrible fate. So if you’re afraid your dick will shrivel up and fall off, thus depriving you of the one thing keeping you sane in this mad, effeminate world, turn to Alex Jones for not just magic boner-giving liquid, but also magic boner-keeping liquid. It’s $50, and I hope you choke on it.

Sex Dust sounds like an STD that’s going around a nursing home. Who could think “Sex Dust” is a good name for- oh, wait, she named her business “Goop.” She named one of her children “Apple.” I’m pretty sure Gwyneth doesn’t even register “sex” or “dust” as real words.

Goop wants you to put Sex Dust inside your body. Specifically, you can add it to any hot or cold liquid and drink it, but it’s especially good with nut milk. Oh god, this writes itself. Goop describes Sex Dust as a “lusty edible formula alchemized to ignite and excite sexy energy in and out of the bedroom.” Unlike Super Male Vitality, Sex Dust doesn’t promise to protect you from the terrors of femininity in your gay water, but it does have something called “horny goat weed” in it, which seems like a promising herb for delivering horniness. This is especially true if you happen to be purchasing this as a goat.

3

They Both Want You To Be Protected From Invisible Monsters

Infowars Sells:

Living Defense claims to offer protection against “invading organisms.” I swear to god I tried to figure out what that means. I went deep into the Infowars world, which is just a bunch of bunkers full of white men with giant boners, all crying. Please, Alex Jones, Pied Piper of erectile dysfunction, tell me what the hell this product is for.

What I can tell you for sure is that nine out of ten people are infested with harmful organisms. Harmful organisms can spread during sexual activity. And pets are basically cities for them. So if you enjoy a thing, it’s probably filled with harmful organisms. No one knows what they are, but Alex Jones damn sure knows that they’re bad. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s probably just a metaphor for his stance on immigration.

Goop Sells:

Man, when you get into a crazy-off with Infowars and win, that’s really saying something. Something sad. I was certain the most insane product award would go to Mr. Jones. Sadly, Ms. Paltrow, in a last-minute burst of stupidity, released psychic vampire repellent. And no, that’s not a paraphrase, joke, or sarcasm. That’s literally what it’s called.

The spread wasn’t in her favor, but she took home the W with a 3.4 oz bottle of pure Reiki-charged insanity. This bottle of sadness water claims to “banish bad vibes (and shield you from the people who may be causing them).” I generally use pepper spray for that, but I’m sure if you got this right into someone’s eyeball, it might protect you from them. Once again, you’re not supposed to spray this directly on someone else, because also once again, that would be crazy. It goes on your aura. Again.

2

They Want You To Have A Squeaky-Clean Rectum

Oxy-Powder is an oxygen-based intestinal cleanser, which means that if you take it, you’re about to get real acquainted with your porcelain cousin. Which is the nice way of saying “You’re going to shit out your actual soul.” Infowars really spells this out for you in the important information section at the bottom of the page, stating: “Oxy-Powder will cause watery, gaseous stools. This is not clinical diarrhea; it’s the byproduct of oxidation.” So don’t worry, it’s just oxygen emptying out your colon like Godzilla on a water slide.

Wait, how the hell does oxygen clean out your colon? According to the chiropractor who shills these super not-FDA-approved pills, it’s “using time-released oxygen through oxidation reduction.” And one thing I heavily agree with is that those are all words that exist in the English language.

I’m now a veteran of the bullshit supplement wars, and like the oracle of Delphi, I can accurately interpret the glittery promises lovingly sprinkled around this product. The ten-day detox supplement kit promises to treat, cleanse, and repair the gut, increase energy, improve mood and sleep, reduce stress, restore glow and vitality to skin and hair, and more. If it makes me glow, I hope it’s in the dark so I can spook all my friends.

What it for sure will do is make you poop your whole butt off. This knowledge came to me as I was reading the warning in the description: “It’s best to start over a weekend so you can get plenty of rest.” The subtext there is that you will need to rest between all of the pooping you will be doing. It will be so much pooping that you will need to rent an extra bed for all the resting you will need to do between all of the pooping you will definitely be doing. I don’t know why we equate pooping a lot with having a healthy body, but apparently everyone does. In Goop’s case, people are willing to pay $169 to achieve what one fried chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell could do for $5.

1

They Want You To Use Vegan Deodorant

Infowars Sells:

If you didn’t know what Infowars was and stumbled into their shop by some unfortunate internet accident, you might think it was a website for a health food store in Portland. Who would have thought cruelty-free vegan deodorant would be so important to a man who caused the parents of murdered children to be harassed?

It’s also free of gluten, soy, and dairy, just in case you want to eat it, I guess? I would fully expect to hear from Goop that you can use “the earth’s mineral crystal combined with natural botanicals” as deodorant. But nope, that’s from Alex Jones. And I think it’s extremely important that you understand that I’m not making up the “mineral crystal” thing, so here’s the page, where you can see it for yourself.

It’s vegan deodorant for everyone who hates Muslims but loves animals. You can also get a variety of organic shampoos and soaps from the Infowars shop, so you can get the government out of your gun cabinet and your beauty routine!

Goop Sells:

I know Goop isn’t a surprising place to find vegan deodorant. This is exactly the kind of product I would expect Gwyneth Paltrow to shill. Goop runs on the premise that the world is a dirty place full of poors, and you can wash their terrible scent away with an $18 bar of charcoal soap inspired by shamans.

This was the product that really hammered home for me the way both Goop and Infowars tango around FDA regulations. They sell things they claim are organic and natural and therefore safer and better than stuff like real medicine prescribed by real doctors … or just convince people to take 30 pills a day that aren’t sanctioned by government oversight. After writing this article, I’ve decided to never eat anything organic for the rest of my life. It’s all bullshit. I’m putting nothing but Cheetos, Baja Blast Mountain Dew, and pure plastic in my body, and I’m going to live to be 100.

Almost any pack of soap and deodorant should fit your needs. Most importantly you won’t have to risk using some expensive fear-based quack products that might as well be peddled by a Batman villain.

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