just like Moby Dick, but shorter and less whale-oriented.

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Dear Nathan

Dog treats are special types of dog food given as a reward, not as a staple food source. This does relate to something here. Very losely, but it does relate. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

DEAR NATHAN: My son and his wife, “Carole,” have been married for two years. I was recently introduced to her father, “Ted,” who has been alone for 13 years. Carole told me later in no uncertain terms that I cannot have a romantic relationship with her father. Then she repeated the same thing to him.

Do you think it’s right for adult children to dictate to their parents who they can and cannot see? Ted and I are perplexed. We really like each other and would like to see where this relationship could go. We laugh easily together, cook in the kitchen well together, can talk for hours and generally are very compatible. We have both discussed our pasts and have been honest with each other. What’s your opinion? — DESERVES TO BE HAPPY IN FLORIDA

DEAR DESERVES TO BE HAPPY: Let me get this straight: you like your son’s father-in-law? If you say it like that, it sounds a bit weird. Weirder, though, is that the best case scenario is the two of you get married and your son is suddenly married to his step-sister!

EEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! EW EW EW EW EW!!!! BLECH!!!

There are other ways to be happy aside from forcing your son into some weird pseudo-incestual relationship. I recommend eating your feelings. Sure, you’ll be lonely, but who cares about loneliness when they have an entire chocolate cake inside them.

Love,

Nathan

P.S. I cannot stress this enough, but EEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!

DEAR NATHAN: May I tell you about an incident that happened last Halloween? I took my daughters, ages 12 and 6, and a co-worker’s 4-year-old son trick-or-treating. My 12-year-old is becoming a young woman and appears older. When we came to one house, the homeowner promptly gave the smaller children candy and had a conversation with them, but completely ignored my older daughter. She was very hurt, and it cast a pall on the evening. I was stunned.

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t care how old you are — if you’re dressed up for Halloween, you can come knocking and you’ll get a treat. I’d rather give someone candy than have him or her feel the way my daughter did.

How should I have handled this? Is there an age limit for trick-or-treaters? — FESTIVE MOM IN KANSASV

DEAR FESTIVE MOM: I’m glad you ask. This is a very important question that many parents have, but yes there absolutely is an age limit for trick-or-treaters.

15.

You may ask why 15 would be the age limit. The reason is simple. Teenagers are, as a rule, terrible awful beings. I mean, they’re the worst. At 15, though, they are truly unbearable. A combination of hormones, teenage angst, anger that you “just don’t get them,” mixed with the inability to drive makes them so awful it’s amazing you don’t hear about more parents taking advantage of boarding schools. To prove the awfulness, I have included a graphic:

As you can see, 15 year-old’s are the least pleasant. At this age, they should not allowed out of the house, let alone be knocking on strangers’ doors expecting delicious treats. Fortunately, your daughter is in the clear. Just make sure that everyone knows she is NOT 15. Any 15 year-olds that come to my door will not be receiving candy.

Happy three more years before your child can no longer take candy from strangers,

Nathan

DEAR NATHAN: I’m 10 and I have a sister who copies everything I do. For example, I was known for my good cooking until she made “amazing” banana bread. Now nobody thinks I’m the best cook in the house anymore.

My sister tags along with whatever I do. I sell dog treats; she sells dog treats. My mom thinks it’s cute and says I should be flattered. All I want is to be unique, but it’s hard with my sister who steals the show. Please help! — FRUSTRATED IN BEND, ORE.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Sisters are the worst! I mean, they’re awful! Ugh! Fortunately for you, I think I’ve found a very simple solution to this.

Put her to work for you.

Does she want to sell dog treats just like her sister? Simple enough: hire her as an employee. Cut her in on, say, 15% of the profits and keep the rest. Pretty soon you’ll be raking in the dough.

Then, to solve the cooking problem, spend that hard earned money on a thing called “Prescription Strength Mirolax.” Sprinkle some of that into her batter. I guarantee you will once again be considered the best cook in the house.

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12 thoughts on “Dear Nathan”

Dear Nathan,
I really want to hire a cook, cleaner and servant as I am lazy and incompetent and am sick of living in a shithole but am scared my husband will run off with her or she wil run off with my dog. What should I do?
Confused in Kippax.