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Q: Sometimes after I dominate my partner, I feel guilty and worried that they didn’t really like what I did. What should I do to feel more confident?A: Both male and female dominants might feel ‘badly’ for being so powerful or so sadistic. Make sure to communicate and ensure consent before the session. The Top has to be able to trust that that the bottom wouldn’t ask or consent to anything they don’t really want. And don’t forget ‘Top Aftercare’, it’s important for both players to reassure each other that a good time was had by all.

In my experience there can be a great deal of guilt on both sides of the D/s dynamic, regardless of gender. So I’m going to do a series of articles about some of the struggles and solutions from each perspective.

I presented one of my favorite ‘conceptual’ classes at Ramabo College, D/s as a Feminist Act and in an email after the class a student shared how the discussion affected her.

“I struggle all the time with my feelings of submission and my relationship with my Dom in my life. For so long I had been struggling with being an assertive dominant extroverted young woman and my deep seeded masochistic desire to submit. I didn’t know other people struggled with these feelings and you really explained everything in a great eye-opening way. You really gave me so much hope and confidence. When I left I felt so much better about my internal struggle and my D/s relationship.”

It’s not an uncommon internal struggle, with the current climate around feminism the feelings of submission can be confusing. Personally I identify wholly as a dominant (which has its own struggles that I’ll get into in another article) and I had a hard time seeing women submit when I first got into the scene. I was still under the impression that a woman needed to be ‘strong’ in order to be a feminist. But I was proven wrong by every single ‘submissive’ woman that I met. They were strong. They were choosing to submit and there is a huge power in that. It’s a frequent misconception that the submissive doesn’t have any power. In a consensual scene or D/s relationship the submissive always has the right and the power to say no.

I believe that anytime a woman makes her own choice it is a feminist act. Dominant, submissive, kinky, vanilla, frequent or infrequent. Anytime a woman chooses, really chooses to follow her heart and her own integrity, whether it’s sexual or not, that is a feminist act.

Just because someone expresses their sexuality through submission, or enjoy a submissive relationship with someone does not mean that they suddenly become a door-mat. That’s where the power of choice comes in. Anyone who touts that submissives have to be submissive all the time is trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge. There is no “One Twue Way”. That’s the beauty of being a human being. We are multi-faceted beings so exploring different sides of ourselves is part of the adventure of being alive.

Have you had any struggles with your submissive desires? How have you handled those struggles?

Restraints are part of a wide range of fantasies. There are a handful of reasons why restraints are so popular, one of the most frequent reasons is the release of control. Letting go of control can lead to powerful connections and powerful orgasms (even better when those are happening at the same time!).

For women, using restraints can be a great way to get around that pesky virgin/whore dynamic that can be ingrained in a variety of ways. Once a woman gives consent (and consent is really, really important!) to being restrained then the ‘guilt’ that might go along with being a sexual person can disappear. Not being able to ‘get away’ can allow for attention to focus sharply on the sexual excitement that’s being felt.

Men can enjoy restraint as a way to let go of the social pressure to always be in control. Once a man is restrained he can relax and enjoy being a ‘sex object’ which is not a traditional position for men to be in. With men in restraint the social convention that ‘men are the aggressors’ gets turned on its head.

Beyond genders and social constructions, being restrained is just plain sexy! Struggling against the bondage, being able to wiggle and squirm yet not being able to escape…..

There are a lot of different types of bondage, as a small sampling: rope, scarves & ties, saran wrap, bondage tape, leather cuffs, metal shackles, and even toilet paper! It all depends on the sensations you and your partner enjoy and the level of commitment you want to make in building your bondage collection. You can keep it extremely low cost and use rope from a home improvement store or saran wrap from the grocery store. Or you can purchase specialized restraints to suit your desires.

With any kind of bondage, safety is the number one concern. Keep the restraint sexy by keeping it safe. Know your knots. Communicate about physical and psychological responses. Make sure a safe way to release the restraints close by. Start with a small amount of restraint and build towards more complicated situations (if that’s what you desire). Keeping it simple, and safe is a path to success!

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Who Kali is

Princess Kali is a dynamic educator & entrepreneur that focuses on power exchange, confidence & communication. With over 16 years of experience in exploring sexually alternative lifestyles & professions she has presented over 160 times at venues such as Harvard, Kink in the Caribbean, Dark Odyssey and SXSW. Now her time is focused on personal coaching, running her revolutionary website KinkAcademy.com, speaking across the US as well as internationally and promoting her first book, "Enough To Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation."

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