Coup de Grace: Ten Grace Mugabe quotes we can laugh at in hindsight

Anything Rob can say, Grace Mugabe can say crazier. That’s been the way of the world in recent years, as Bob’s wife has enjoyed a more prominent role in running the country. But damn, what a week the Mugabe’s have had. Their authority has been all but wiped out, as the President is set to […]

Zimbabwean First Lady Grace Mugabe (C) smiles during the official opening of the Fifth Session of the Eighth Parliament of Zimbabwe in Harare, Zimbabwe, 12 September 2017.

Anything Rob can say, Grace Mugabe can say crazier. That’s been the way of the world in recent years, as Bob’s wife has enjoyed a more prominent role in running the country.

But damn, what a week the Mugabe’s have had. Their authority has been all but wiped out, as the President is set to relinquish the iron grip he has had on Zimbabwe for the last 37 years. Naturally, all eyes are on his next move.

Although, you should never underestimate Grace. She’s become quite the firebrand whilst acting as her husband’s partner in a folie-a-deux. ‘Gucci’ Grace has said some frightening things over the years. But now… we feel like we can laugh her off.

Grace Mugabe’s craziest quotes

1 . A little fighting talk…

“I might have a small fist. But when it comes to fighting, I will put stones inside to enlarge it. Do not doubt my capabilities.”

There’s no doubt that Grace Mugabe fights dirty. Even if her combined knowledge of biology and physics is a little off.

2. Vote for Zombie Rob Mugabe

“If God decides to take him, then we will field him as a corpse in the election.”

A phenomenal claim there, from Gucci Grace. Dead or alive, it doesn’t look like either version of Bob will have a sniff of power ever again.

3. An endorsement for her own presidency

“I have said to the president, leave me in charge – I will be good at this, I can do a great job.”

Okay, but what has happened in the days since he tried to give you power? It pissed off the sacked Vice President and he brought the army to your door. So erm, this isn’t looking like a brilliant shout, Grace.

4. The backhanded compliment of the year…

“He [Robert Mugabe] took time to groom me into the woman I am now.”

Well, Dr Frankenstein created a monster too. But he didn’t go around bragging about it like you did, Grace. It’s quite fitting how both of these characters’ stories are going to end with them being chased out of town with pitchforks.

No self-awareness

5. Gucci Grace and her cash flow problems

“It’s impossible for one to spend a million dollars in an hour. I don’t have time for all these things to pamper myself.”

Well-known for her luxurious tastes, Grace has tried to distance herself from her opulent lifestyle. Doesn’t really wash with us though. As we speak, you are under house arrest in a 44-bed mansion. If that’s what qualifies for a jail sentence these days, please, feel free to lock us up too.

6. The worst parenting tips you’ll ever hear

“When these errant youths are expelled for indiscipline Mnangwana would be quiet and then it worries us when we see them at his house. So Mrs Mnangwana, when you see these expelled members of the party coming to your house you must beat them up, that’s what a responsible mother does, you must discipline your children, including errant ones so that they do the right things.”

Would love to see that Venn diagram of ‘responsible mothers’ and ones that beat the living daylights out of their children. We’ll save you all the trouble – there is no overlap.

7. A very Trump-like drag

“At one point I received calls from people within the party who wanted us to go into the streets and demonstrate against Mnangagwa because they were not happy with him.”

This really does have echoes of the infamous ‘I would never call Kim short and fat’. It’s very insincere, and aimed to weaken Mnangagwa’s political presence whilst strengthening hers. Tell us, how did that work out Mrs Mugabe?

8. ‘My two adult sons needed me to fight a girl for them’

“These are malicious allegations. I was protecting my sons. Miss Engels was drunk and unhinged and attacked me with a knife”

This was Grace Mugabe’s flimsy defence of her assault against Johannesburg model Gabrielle Engels. Gabrielle was left with large gashes on her head after Zim’s First Lady whacked her with an extension cord. Grace didn’t have a scratch on her, and was protected by her bodyguards. This defence doesn’t add up.

Leave my sons alone

9. Don’t blame me. Blame the demons…

“Nowadays there are spirits attacking our children. The spirit of drinking, drug abuse and doing other abnormal things way beyond their age.”

Whilst her sons run riot, blowing Daddy’s ill-gotten cash, Grace was in no mood for them to take responsibility for their actions. Rather than taking a look at herself, she blamed demonic possession. Seems legit.

10. It’s okay, all our children are b*stards these days…

“I am telling you because the behaviour of children does not matter if they are the president’s children or not. All children are mischievous these days.”

Well, it does matter if they’re the President’s kids. Here’s why: As a President, you are meant to represent the best intentions of the people. Of course, kids can be a handful, but you are meant to be a shining example to both your country and your children.

If they are behaving like shameless wankers long into their twenties, then it says a lot about the type of people the Mugabes are. So yes, it does matter, Grace Mugabe.