Study Finds World Has More Obese Than Underweight Adults: The Lancet reports that in the largest ever obesity study ever conducted, the number of adults classified as obese now outweighs the number of underweight adults worldwide. Personally, I blame gravity, but health officials say this is precisely why consumers need to make certain liposuction is included when purchasing health insurance.

Astronomers Find Three Planets That May Support Life: Astronomers say three recently discovered planets similar to Earth’s size and temperature may have conditions that could sustain life. And while astronomers are excited, many others are asking “yea, without a good cellphone connection, what kind of life would it be?”

Man Arrested After Challenging Daughter To a Gun Duel: A Colorado man has been arrested on child abuse and other charges after challenging his daughter to a gun duel and then engaging her in a shootout before police arrived. The NRA defended the man’s actions, pointing out that the father was simply defending his 2nd Amendment rights as a parent.

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Alaska Airlines to Dissolve Virgin America by 2019: Alaska Airlines announced that it will fully absorb the California-based carrier Virgin America into its Alaska Airlines brand and Virgin America will exist no more by 2019. Probably a smart move when you consider that by the year 2019, there won’t be enough virgins left in America to keep the airline profitable anyway.

Major Shake-up Suggests Dinosaurs May Have UK Origin: New data indicates that the first dinosaurs may have originated in the Northern Hemisphere, possibly in an area that is now Britain. Perhaps, but one thing’s for sure, they certainly didn’t head over to Britain for all the great food.

Dog Seized For Being Part Wolf Allowed To Return Home: A pet dog that made international headlines after being seized from his family and accused of being part wolf by Animal Control officers in Aurora, Colorado, is finally being allowed to return home after DNA testing determined he was just a regular dog. So what if he was part wolf? I mean, who’s afraid of the big bad wolf? Meanwhile, the family said they’re just extremely grateful to have him back before the Trump Administration could have him deported.

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Trump Name Removed From His Hotels Due To Plummeting Business: Amidst reports of plummeting occupancy rates due to his controversial presidential campaign, Trump Hotels have decided its new facilities will no longer bear the Trump name. In addition to changing the hotel name, they might also want to think about removing the Vladimir Putin portraits hanging in the Presidential Suits.

Republican Christian Activist Says If He Dies – Blame Hillary: During a recent broadcast, Colorado State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt (R) told listeners on his “Pray In Jesus Name” show that 53 people with ties to Clinton have mysteriously died, so should he somehow end up dead – you know who to blame. My God, according to the last census, there’s 7200 people still living in or around Clinton, Illinois. Somebody ought to warn them. It kind of makes you wonder, isn’t Obama responsible for anything anymore? Oh wait, he’s not running for anything.

Mel Gibson and Pregnant Girlfriend Beam on the Red Carpet: Mel Gibson and his pregnant girlfriend were all smiles as they attended a charity event in Los Angeles as the proud father prepares to welcome his ninth child. Geez, nine children? Guess that’s finally one thing he can’t blame on the Jews.

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Tyson Recalls Chicken Nuggets Sold at Costco Stores: Citing the possibility of plastic contamination, Tyson Foods has announced the recall of more than 66 tons of chicken nuggets sold at Costco locations,. Hell, that doesn’t sound like all that big of a recall when you consider just about anything you can buy at Costco is gonna come in at least a 66-ton container.

Trump Urges Supporters to Monitor Polls in Certain Areas: Donald Trump is renewing his call for supporters to travel to precincts outside their own – “especially certain areas” – on election day to keep a vigilant eye out for voter fraud. OK, but my question is what exactly are they supposed to be looking for? Guys in fake beards and mustaches carrying ballots around? Of course – Donald Trump can send out all the pudgy little 2nd Amendment goons he wants to intimidate people of color from voting, but that won’t hide the fact that the biggest fraud in this election is none other than Donald J.Trump himself.

German Tourist Mauled by Dingoes in Australia: A German man is recovering after being mauled by two dingoes while taking a nap away from his tour group on Fraser Island, just off the coast of Queensland. Wildlife officials say what’s most surprising about this attack is that dingoes typically much prefer Italian over German cuisine.

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