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Thursday, December 6, 2012

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make a Lemon Drop Martini

I am all for taking in fewer calories. It's not easy to maintain a slim figure when one is surrounded by fried foods and carbs at the job all day. For this reason, I always choose to have Baked Lays potato chips instead of the good ones and I always only eat half of the donut and then blend the other half into a protein shake. It's little things like that that keep me trim and fit. I suppose every bit counts but sometimes customers will try anything if they think it will save them from having to spend any time on the elliptical machine.

Last night at work someone ordered a Lemon Drop Martini. I too am a sucker for a Lemon Drop Martini. Truth be told, I am a sucker for anything with the word "martini" in it. If someone created the Spinach and Kale martini, I might finally figure out a way to enjoy vegetable servings. A Lemon Drop is made with citrus vodka, triple sec, lemon juice and served with a sugar rim. It can be all kinds of deliciousness if it's done right.

"Can you make a Lemon Drop Martini for me?" the lady asks.

"Yes ma'am. Would you like a sugar rim?"

It always comes with a sugar rim, but I get a kick out of asking people if they'd like it. It makes me think of Sheen Easton's song Sugar Walls. When I was a kid, I never understood what a sugar wall was but now I am pretty sure she was referring to the sweetness of her vaginal cavity. When you mix in the word "rim" it just paints a real pretty picture, doesn't it?

The woman pauses a moment as she ponders the idea of rimming with sugar. And then, "I'm trying to watch the calories. Can you do a Splenda rim instead?"

"Of course, ma'am. The bartender would be pleased to rim you with Splenda."

Is she for serious? If you're trying to cut down on the calories, maybe you shouldn't be ordering a Lemon Drop Martini in the first place. I looked up the calorie count for a Lemon Drop and it ain't the sugar rim that's the problem.

Two ounces of Grey Goose Citron Vodka is 206 calories.
One ounce of Triple Sec has about 125 calories
Fresh lemon juice is calorie free.
One teaspoon of sugar (if you actually used that much for the rim job) is 16 calories.
The total calories for this cocktail is 347.

If she switches to one teaspoon of Splenda (4 calories) for her grainy sweet sugar rim job, she will be saving 12 calories which she already used up when she sucked that bowl of hummus clean and then polished off the cracker crumbs by licking her finger and pressing it against the plate to get every last bit of food.

"Oh, he can give me a Splenda rim?"

"Oh, he can give you a Splenda rim, alright. He's a pro at rimming. He loves to rim. The sweeter the rim the better. Sugar, Splenda, Sweet'n Low. If he can rim it, he will."

"That'll be great! I'd love a Splenda rim!"

She looked relieved like she had just figured out a way to avoid the gym the next day. The bartender gave her the rim job she wanted and it was so delicious and so healthy that she ordered a second one, making for a total of 670 calories for her two drinks. No word on how many calories were in that Red Velvet Cake she split with her friend.

People, don't pretend that you are on a diet and then drink cocktails. It makes no sense. And if you ask for something as ridiculous as a Splenda rim, chances are good that your waiter is going to make fun of you behind your back fat and maybe even possibly write a blog post about it.

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People are amazing. My favorite is still when guests ask for water with extra lemon and Splenda on the side because our lemonade (you know, the kind you have to pay for) is too sweet... and then proceed to put all of the Splenda and half of the other sweetener packets in the caddy into that one glass.

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