Despite vociferous claims that torture never works, Arizona senator John McCain helped to pass Bush's new Torture Bill that will allow the CIA to continue violating the Geneva conventions by torturing innocent political prisoners who happen to be Muslims. What did the Bush administration do to break John McCain that a North Vietnamese prison camp couldn't do? A recent leak from the White House establishes beyond doubt that the supposed change of heart came after one of the closed door sessions, at which George W. Bush and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist subdued the maverick senator with a headlock, tied him to a chair, and violated his humanity by subjecting him to cruel and degrading treatment with loud Eminem music, sleep deprivation, hypothermia, and waterboarding.

~

Catherine Zeta Jones in her Gitmo cell, undergoing cruel and degrading treatment at Guantanamo for helping al-Qaeda to choose T-Mobile for their wireless needs

Grandma: I will never, ever again give milk and cookies to the Taliban. Can you let me off Gitmo now? Waterboarding is f*g killing me!

Resorting to these and other most sinister Skull & Bones initiation techniques known to mankind, the Neocons forced Senator McCain to capitulate and agree to broaden the definitions of "unlawful enemy combatant" and "material support" to include librarians who released copies of "Vagina Monologues" to al-Qaeda members, Starbucks employees who served them nonfat Latte Grande, and any person who has ever thrown a quarter to a Taliban foot soldier, having mistaken him for a homeless person.

Experts predict that these nefarious measures may increase the prison population at Guantanamo Bay to over a hundred million people, which would include absolutely everyone who had ever, wittingly or unwittingly, provided aid and comfort to America's enemies at home and abroad, from Wal-Mart greeters, McDonalds drive-thru operators, Econolodge clerks, phone-sex workers, customer service and technical support representatives,

At a press conference following the vote, Senator McCain was asked to explain his surrender on the torture issue, one on which he has been as passionate in the past as Lindsey Graham was on secret evidence.

"I was going to push the Al-Qaeda Bill of Rights instead," McCain replied in a monotonous, robotic voice, bobbing his head back and forth. "But I have learned something important in the last few days. Torture works."

Comrades - Help!The forces of the great satan -Bushroveler- have captured me againand forced to wear Catherine Z.J.'s perfumed underwear on my head and over my face!!!Oooooh the humiliation and that feminine aroma!!!I will never be able to show my face again before the brotherhoods.Mobilize our comrades in the American Communists Lawyers Union, the DNC, the WaPo, SeeBS, New Duranty Times, Cindee - anybody who can save me.Help me! Help meeeee!

The next thing that they will be doing is bringing in strippers to "demoralize" their spirits, but make something else grow at the same time. Some of the stories that will be coming out of there will have masochists begging for more.

I managed to get my fingers stuck to large sums of soft money while using Guerilla Glue™. Is there any solvent that can fix this very embarassing situation or do I have to call Her Excellencies campaign staff to rip the cash off my flesh.....

::Apology to the Collective::

The above stated comment is nothing more than venomous lies made by $.$ Halliburton. I, Chairman Meow S. Pun, an active and orthodox Party member in good standing never made those comments and was temporarily intoxicated and on large amounts of sleeping pills when the statement was made. I immediately ask for the resignation of $.$ Halliburton and other leading Republicans who forced me to make that statement. I also want to take the time to denounce a number of my fellow Virginians who put the large quantities of soft money in my dwelling where I was forced to roll around in it while laughing, I was also forced to repeat this phrase over and over again by my captors "hot damn, look at all this green, those SOB's ain’t got sh*t on us in 08'", I will now check myself into re-hab as a token of goodwill and can only hope the Party avenges this heinous crime committed against me and the collective.

*GASP! * What were you doing with money? Don't you know that it is forbidden for anyone in the Politburo to admit to actually handling money? We will have to cover this up as quickly as possible. You never made that post, and this conversation never took place. Please report to party headquarters for a discussion on proper party etiquette and a lecture on when to admit to the handling of "money".

There, I stated an apology, let the Amerikan idiots mull over that one. Maybe I'll get a book deal out of this and some air time on Oprah. Lenin knows the media wont report on this scandal, BECAUSE IM A DEMOKRAT!!

I am sorry your still in the gulag, I will try to ask for a favor and send some of your loved ones there to keep you company, its the least I can do for such a man who has given his life to the great patriotic struggle of socialist construction. I am also happy your English is improving, you are a testament to the greatness of the Amerikan Publik Educashional system, marvelous, just marvelous. As for my situation dear General, it never happened. I dont know what you are talking about, just smile and nod your head in blind obedience. But on a lighter note, I will see if I can have your mud and grass ration bumped up to one full cup as opposed to the half a cup you are currently accustomed to. Now if you will excuse me, I have a private jet to catch. I must be at Party HQ at five o' clock sharp to recieve my slap on the wrist while the good Premier and other Party faithful handle the cover up. Damn it feels good to be a Demokrat.

They dont Comrade Premier, I know that, you know that and the masses know that. What is important is just to nod in collective agreement that our Edukashional system is lagging behind because of Repulbicans and needs more tax-payer dollars to fix the problems...

($.$ Hal, what the hell are you doing?!! You know how many proles read these forums... They said the next time I mention the "scam" they will send my staff to Uncle Teddy's for a Friday night drive and break my legs, and now I got you posting thank you notes! THANK YOU NOTES DAMMIT!! Ok, deep breaths Meow, its fine, its fine... Democratic majority, taxes, purges, revolution, ok I'm better now, I'm better, whew... ok, send the check to my residence in Palm Beach, my secretary will give you the address....)-- Meow

Privately, Hillary’s camp was not overly upset by the McCain swipe because it suspected he was doing the bidding of the White House and that he ended up, as one adviser put it, “looking similar to the way he did on those captive tapes from Hanoi, where he recited the names of his crew mates.”

Either this is a slip, or it's a signal from Clinton-land that the "McCain is crazy" whisper campaign -- which worked quite well for Bush in 2000 -- is being revived. Or both.

Asked about the line, McCain advisor John Weaver responded:

"I never expected the Clintons or their allies to know much about Vietnam. But [it] is disappointing to see one of her spokespeople purposefully lie about John's war record and time in a Hanoi prison camp. There was no such tape recording; though he did once give up the starting lineup of the Green Bay Packers while under extreme duress. Senator Clinton's spokesperson does a disservice to all who were there and served so bravely and honorably."

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

Ex-president Obama declares Irma "Hurricane of Peace," urges not to jump to conclusions and succumb to stormophobia

CNN: Trump reverses Obama's executive order banning hurricanes

ISIS claims responsibility for a total solar eclipse over the lands of American crusaders and nonbelievers

When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was

CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry

Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'

BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.

DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'

Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago

Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same

Study: Many non-voters still undecided on how they're not going to vote

The Evolution of Dissent: on November 8th the nation is to decide whether dissent will stop being racist and become sexist - or it will once again be patriotic as it was for 8 years under George W. Bush

Venezuela solves starvation problem by making it mandatory to buy food

China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"

Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'

Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%

America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith

Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine

Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET

Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths

Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'

Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State

President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise