Posts Tagged ‘struggle’

I went to bed last night thinking of how loved I felt. Within a 24 hour window, I had face-to-face conversations with all 3 of my grown kids! That doesn’t happen much, everyone is busy and living their lives. I realized just how incredible that gift of their time was to my soul. No one needed a reason, they just video phoned to chat.

What a blessing. {Thanks, sweet punks of mine!}

Somewhere right now there’s a frazzled out mom who thinks she’s screwing up all the good things in her kids. She has no idea if they’ll ever call her again once they move out. She’s tired, she’s fed up and she’s convinced she sucks as a mom! I know this because I felt it all too.

No one can prepare you for the empty nest days and I think I know why…

All the days before it are full of lessons, for them and for you. Some of the lessons are so painful and others are tiny and forgettable. Someday while on the phone or sitting at lunch with your grown kid, they’ll bring up something you totally forgot all about and it will hit you right between your eyes that they held onto that memory. If you had the mental capacity to dwell on everything, you’d probably just explode!

You’re never going to get everything right, not as a person or a parent. It would be mean to tell you to parent as if they are leaving you forever. They do eventually leave and the whole relationship changes. You either have great new young adult friends or jerks who avoid you – it’s all up for grabs. All families have junk, so, if yours is all a mess…don’t beat yourself up.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is this…you are not alone. Whether your kids are living closeby and completely immersed in your everyday life or whether they live on the other side of the world from you and can only talk once in a great while. Every one of us has a system that is customized to our own needs in life. If your kids hate you, trust me…someone else’s kids hate them too. All you can do is try your best to heal whatever is broken. If you can’t fix it, love from where you are right now.

I pray you feel less alone.

It is hurtful to think you have the lone club membership to troubles. God is always working in our lives. He can heal broken hearts and jumbled up relationships. If we trust Him, He can make beauty from ashes. I know this because of my own relationship with my mom. It was so ugly and toxic for most of my life. I thank God for closing our chapter together with true forgiveness, love & respect. Something I never thought could happen.

I’ve learned in my 51 years that we are all capable of being horrible. We’re human and frail. We treat people we love like we don’t and we fall short of admitting wrong in the most vulnerable instances. I know that my own kids carry scars from my crappy mom moments, I also know that they are wise & understanding people who offer forgiveness.

No one gets it all right.

Remember, when you’re rolling around in the dirt of all aloneness — the truth is, you’re really not alone.

Lord,
Help me love the person who feels alone in their troubles. Thank you for always making beauty from the ashes of my own life too.
Amen

I’d like to believe that I’m fully equipped to see outside of my own problems to those of hurting folks around me. But, like any other human….life can blind me to the needs of those caught up in catastrophe and hold me hostage inside my own dang issues!

Forgive me, Lord.

I had a situation recently with a student that opened my eyes to just how wrapped up I can get in my own troubles. I won’t go into ALL OF THE details but the student was missing a chair at her desk and instead of walking 4 steps to the left and picking one up (they had simply been scooted down a bit) she stood there like a statue. I began class and noticed her still standing while everyone else sat ready to go. When I questioned her what she was doing she answered that she didn’t have a chair.

Something deep inside me bubbled with frustration, not against her but regarding my own crappy troubles. How I wished my problems were that simple. I knew instantly that much of what I’m going through could be viewed by someone else as no big deal. For me, it feels monumental. Everything I know as normal is gone. Not one single thing is the same in my life, except for Christ. He has remained steadfast and gracious. The rest, crazy…mixed-up and outrageous! Making no sense.

I asked her to think how she could solve her problem. We laughed about it after a few minutes but I admitted to her my feelings of wishing my problems were so easy to solve. Life is hard. My hard may not look like yours but that doesn’t mean yours isn’t painful and treacherous. Everyone who experiences trials deals with them in their own unique way. You may find unemployment as a break or a fresh start where I have reached the point of insanity and struggle to get out of bed every day.

My hard is not yours. Aren’t you glad?

Next time I see someone hurting, I won’t compare what they are struggling with to mine. There is no way to measure the intensity for one over another. I don’t want to negate what someone else feels just because I’m buried deep under a blanket of distress.

It’s been the year I struggled through a debilitating and ridiculous diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis and then found out I had carpal tunnel in both hands. It’s been the year I blessedly walked through menopause (ain’t that a piece of cake? Fruitcake maybe. But, not wedding cake). It’s been the year that my lifestyle took a major hit when my hubby lost his job and the year that humbled me beyond an nth of my pride.

Maybe it’s been my year, afterall. I mean, at least it picked on me and not someone that I dearly love, right?

All I know, is 2016 can get lost and stay lost!

I read a sweet and heartfelt post this week after the loss of another celebrity that challenged fans to stop cursing 2016 for taking people of fame. The writer certainly didn’t mean for anyone to not feel sad at the loss of someone dear…she simply pointed out that as humans, we have a great tendency to focus on the most negative of moments and make them bigger than they deserve.

Note: A death is huge. Really. But losing your dang mind over a super star passing away is a bit much.

I loved the advice the writer gave and I especially loved her sharing how wonderful 2016 had been to her personally. The year brought a beautiful baby into her life and a new job for her hubby….and lots more special moments that SHOULD BE CELEBRATED. I realized while reading that a lot of the ugly stuff that life slams on a person hadn’t really had it’s chance yet to punch her in the face. Sadly, it will inevitably come her way and I pray that she has the tenacity to hang in there and take it. Still praising God in spite of the trouble.

My year, the ironic and hilarious year I chose MOVE as my Word of the Year, year… has been harsh and challenging! It’s tried to do me completely in. But, I’m still here. Perhaps a little more cynical….definitely a little less trusting and certainly different than I was last year.

I won’t be picking a WORD of the Year this year. The last one nearly killed me and it hasn’t actually quite finished with me yet even though I cleared it from my cache. I’m staying as far away from cutesy ideas as I possibly can because real life don’t play! And while the idea of choosing a word can be to challenge yourself….I feel like I have done my part in playing along in the UFC fight of life this year.

Instead, I’ll just do my best to keep my head above water and to live in the moment of my life. If I’ve learned anything through this struggle it’s that I don’t control anything..so stop trying. Be still and let God.

Did you know that people with ADHD are twice as likely to be divorced as people who don’t have ADHD? After 26 passionate, up & down, all over the map, full of wild idea years….I can understand why. It’s tough. It’s challenging. It’s a test of deep faith. ADHD can wear the strongest of people down, it can widdle a rock into dust and blast every emotion into smithereens. All in a single day.

ADHD ain’t no fairytale.

BE WARNED: This post is brutal. It’s brutal to read and even more so to write.

The person I love most (sorry kids, it’s Dad), the one for me…my favorite human on this earth lives with ADHD. Day in and day out for his whole life he has lived with the challenges that are ADHD. For some, ADHD doesn’t harbor a complete debilitating hold on their lives. For others, ADHD rules every single detail and never lets up its power to destroy everything in its path. Not every person struggles with every symptom known to stem from ADHD. Some manage life and its obstacles with little recourse while others spend all their energy, emotion and finances constantly trying to stay above water. My guy? Has done both.

Growing up as a kid born in the 60’s ADHD was not a popular topic. It wasn’t well-known or understood (heck, is it now…really?). Teachers, parents and whoever else had encounters with “that” wiry unruly impulsive kid usually left it up to being a brat or terrible parenting. Many today still think that, don’t they (is that what you think?)? ADHD has nothing to do with being a spoiled brat or permissive parenting. ADHD is a real and common mental disorder of children and adults. It’s more prevalent in boys than it is in girls and it’s usually discovered in early childhood.

It’s important to note that not all children with ADD/ADHD are diagnosed or treated (like you didn’t know that). Many are just left to cope and deal with all the effects and struggles that come with being ADD/ADHD. Home issues, school troubles and for many eventually an adulthood of lost jobs, criminal behavior and overall hopelessness plague their life. Here being a giant sign that if you or someone you know MIGHT HAVE ADHD – don’t ignore it. Get busy diagnosing it and take the steps to manage it. It could mean everything!

My hubby didn’t take medication while growing up. I’ve heard stories of his behavior; shooting out all the Christmas lights, squirting orange juice in classmates eyes, throwing rocks at windshields….general bouncing off the walls, staying up all night reading and many more. The stories sound funny but as a mom, not really. The challenges of parenting a kid who cannot control himself does not appeal to a helicopter mom like me. I like order, I need obedience. That’s why I wasn’t my husband’s mother, I’m sure of it. He might not have survived my straight-laced nerves and propensity to make crap happen!

Diet and a few other methods were how he lived to someday be my hubby. God bless you, Nana.

Living with a person who has ADHD isn’t a death sentence (well, you might feel like killing your ADHD spouse/child/friend sometimes) but, it can wreck a lot of happy moments and steal a great portion of your sanity. I can’t speak for anyone but me here….choosing to stay with someone who struggles with this disorder isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes determination and love and forgiveness and understanding and so much more than many of us are even equipped with. Why am I still married to my husband? Mainly, because God. God has helped me attain all those attributes that don’t come naturally to a flawed perfectionistic person like me — I have had my moments where I thought I couldn’t take one more thing. I’ve lost my cool and flipped my wig. I’ve said SHAPE UP OR SHIP OUT! I’ve cried tears of defeat. I’ve questioned my own sanity. I’ve prayed for a loving heart. I’ve given my failure to understand to God. I’ve walked away. I’ve closed off my emotions. I’ve felt lonely. I’ve been angry and resentful. I’ve felt unsure and unstable. I’ve convinced myself of his never changing (how can you just stop being ADHD?). I’ve wished he were someone else who behaved somehow different. I’ve wanted to leave, forever. I’ve given up on dreams. I’ve turned my head the other way. I’ve listened to excuses. I’ve heard lies knowing they were untruths. I’ve accepted his flaws. I’ve given him mercy. I’ve shown love when he deserved much less. I’ve given him my best years. I’ve been a good wife. I’ve honored all my vows. I’ve let him have his way. I’ve let him mess up his life and ours. I’ve let him have glory. I’ve let him have space. I’ve given him 3 kids who love him because I’ve honored him in front of them. I’ve blessed him when he didn’t want it or expect it. I’ve stuck beside him when someone else would’ve walked (RAN) away. I’ve trusted GOD to do a mighty work through him and I’ve believed that he was worthy of my love even if he wasn’t behaving or treating me accordingly.

I said, I DO (September 16th 1989) and I meant it. I DO, and I WILL til the day one of us dies.

That doesn’t mean it won’t be easy. That doesn’t mean that when he flies a brand new out-of-the-box $700 DRONE into a pond on a windy day I won’t feel the deep ache in the pit of my stomach (for him and for me). It doesn’t mean I won’t feel the stress of him locking his keys in his running jeep parked behind my car in the garage. I’ll still feel all the feels that go with the challenges of living with an ADHD man. I’ll still want to run screaming from the scene of an impulsive moment gone wrong. I’ll still want to hide out in my room when the only method of communication between us comes in the form of an argument.

I’ll still love him. He can’t help it.

ADHD doesn’t possess me the way satan wants it to. Satan wants to destroy my marriage. He wants to smash my finances to bits through the impulsive ways of my husband. He wants to see me miserable and unhappy. For so many families, satan is successful in ruining everything. When we have weeks like this past one, I’m reminded NOT TO TAKE MY EYES off the prize that God has for me through my marriage. I’m challenged to love him in spite of his weaknesses and I hope….if you or someone you love struggle with ADD/ADHD that you too are determined to live victoriously with it.

Lord, you don’t make mistakes. Not in the makeup of your children or anywhere else. Your human creations are perfectly made in your image. Help me be the kind of wife who looks to you when the challenges of ADHD threaten to steal my peace, my joy, my love.
Amen

I was so mad at my husband on Monday. I didn't set out to be that way. It just happened. He forgot his phone on a day that I actually needed to communicate with him. So, the circus of events that ensued pretty much sent me into ticked-off wife territory within just a couple of hours.

Now, he didn't leave the phone on purpose and I knew that. Either way, it happened and things got real tough to deal with when I couldn't get ahold of him to help me with the meeting the windshield guys at a friends house. I trudged on because you know, martyr.

Marriage is challenging. Even good ones face issues that test the depths of love. I felt the testing on this day full blast. If it could go wrong, it did. Just by the way each circumstance fell into place, frustration and powerlessness managed to wedge its way into the middle of us.

Ok, I was mad!

But you know what? I didn't let that change how I really feel about my husband. The bottom line is that he is who he is and to me, HE IS EVERYTHING! So, imagine the reaction of the window guy who couldn't get the rearview mirror parts back together when I snapped a picture to send to my husband. He said, "If I can't get it….he most likely can't do it either!". To which I informed him….."Oh, HE CAN GET IT, HE IS SUPERMAN!".

That little tidbit surprised Mr. Safelite not because he knew I was frustrated with my hubby (he didn't know that) but because WHO THINKS THEIR MAN IS SO SUPER?!! Uhh, me! I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if my husband was working on that mirror piece, he could fix it!

I may have a husband who forgets things sometimes (never on purpose or to make my life crazy) but he is a man who won't quit! He will work and work until he finds a way to make something happen. I never have to worry or wonder…."Can he do it?". He just does it.

To me……HE IS SUPERMAN!

Can you say that about your true love? In spite of his weaknesses, can you see the real man and the real intentions of his heart?

I hope you can because there will be days……there will be crazy days that will put you to the test. And when that happens, will you tear him apart or will you elevate him to the level he truly deserves? Husbands have a lot of people to please, ladies. It's not just us that they are trying to keep happy.

Remember that when your SUPERMAN forgets…

The rest of the conversation with Mr. Safelite:

Mr S – "Oh so you're married to Superman?"

Me – "YES, almost 25 years!"

Mr S – I don't think I could do that. Be married that long.

Me – You're not Superman then.

Mr S – Did you know he was Superman?

Me – No, it was all by chance! I didn't know he would turn out to be so amazing! I took a risk and God blessed me!