Social Question

Is it easier to declare oneself a lesbian or to declare oneself a gay male?

I admire a person who does either. I am not trying to foster division. I am interested in those who have come out, and their opinions as to the differences that might have been if their genders had been swapped.

A huge point of curiosity is as follows: If you occasionally find the same gender attractive do you feel you have to identify yourself as gay to help the movement?

19 Answers

I would guess that has a great deal to do with your gender.

No, but seriously, the society seems to accept lesbianism more readily than male homosexuality. It’s a sad and silly attitude, but I think it is undeniably there. Guys who pay good money to watch phony lesbian porn are outraged when they hear that two makes in a committed, loving relationship are moving in next door. It it were two lesbians, they’d be likely to turn into peeping Toms, and perhaps learn that the strapon stuff of their porn movies is mostly misogynistic mirage. While lesbians do occasionally use dildos, penetration isn’t the typical money shot of every encounter.

Yeah… probably easier for me to declare gay than lesbian.
Being a guy, I’d imagine it’s easier for women to declare themselves lesbians when knowing seemingly nigh all of us guys would go, “Woohoo! Two chicas getting it on! HAWT!” Though at the same time we’re just as likely to insult them (which is bull). Guys declaring they’re gay seem like they have to deal more often than lesbians (I know this may seem stereotypical but this is also what I’ve seen as well) with harassment and bullying. I know quite a few of both homosexual women and men, and it does seem that the guys have been beat up, harassed, been driven to suicide more often than lesbians. This is also bull. One of the things that irritates me about homophobia, though admittingly, I was one. I apologize for the harm I have caused, I have been a terrible person, and I am paying for it in spades.

I’m a gay man, and I honestly don’t know the answer to the question. Coming out for me took about 20 years and was horrific because of the way I was raised and some of the choices I made. Still, I know women who think lesbians are truly disgusting in the same way that many homophobic men talk about gay men.

It’s not really an easy answer. Men are more likely to receive open hostility for coming out, but more people will believe that they are actually gay, or at least actually having gay sex. Women won’t get as open hostility, but their sexuality won’t be taken as serious (they take nude baths together, not have actual sex together, and of course whatever women do together doesn’t count as actual sex because of the lack of penile penetration) or as permanent (it’s only a phase), and will be commodified for men (girl-on-girl porn, women “lezzing out” for male attention, or tonight’s gem from a guy I know, it didn’t happen if a guy wasn’t watching).

I will answer this question based upon my personal experiences from having a gay brother (deceased), knowing several other gays/lesbians along with just hearing both men and women talking: my answer is definitely lesbians.

Women making out with each other obviously has much more appeal than guys making out with each other. Even many anti-gay ‘conservative’ redneck types that I know/knew loved the appeal of lesbians. I’ve also never seen any lesbians get beaten up but I knew of quite a few gay men who did get beaten up or at least harassed. I could go on further but it seems extremely obvious to me that gay men have it much tougher than lesbians.

Oh, forgot one for lesbians: The number of men who feel that what lesbians need to realize that they don’t love women, they love men, is a good, non-consensual sex encounter with said man is shockingly high.

@Aethelflaed: I tell guys I’m bisexual and often they are titillated. They want me to make out with their girlfriends and then are offended when I’m not attracted to their gf’s. Sometimes I get told I can’t be bisexual because I’ve never had sex with a woman. You can be straight if you’re a virgin who’s never been kissed but that luxury is not afforded to non-heteros.

@KatawaGrey I’m actually, for the most part, so used to having guys assume that I’ll make out in front of them, have a threesome with them, etc that it almost doesn’t bother me much anymore, because I can so easily write them off as assholes. It’s actually the straight women who assume, even when they know that I’m bi, even when we’re friends, even when they claim to be for LGBT rights, that if I’m physical in any way with my girlfriend in public, I’m only doing it for male attention, that I can’t possibly be greeting my girlfriend like all hetero couples do (with a smooch, duh), or on the tale end of the cheap drinks night and, like everyone else, have forgotten that it’s not really appropriate to neck like that in public.

But yeah, I wish a lot of guys weren’t so thrilled I’m bi, that it wasn’t some moment of like “Omg, Johnny, look – we’ve finally found El Dorado, and can claim all the riches for ourselves!” for them.

You know, there is no good answer to this question. Men will usually say it’s harder to come out when you’re gay and women will usually say it’s harder when you’re lesbian. But neither gender has experience both. Men and women are treated differently in EVERY aspect of their lives whether we like it or not. We can’t possibly say our side of coming out is harder than the other because we’ve never experienced the other.