What Would Don Do? England Edition: A Mad Men–Minded Guide to Episode Nine of Pan Am

A lot has happened during Pan Am’s two-week hiatus. First, Twilight darling Ashley Greene agreed to distract viewers from the show’s weak storylines by appearing as a three-episode guest star. Then Karine Vanasse (Colette) went and tweeted that the entire series had been discontinued, promptly raining on the parades of vampire lovers and 60s-era-airline fanatics alike.

In a swift P.R. sweep, ABC was quick to deny that the prime-timers’ days are numbered. Nevertheless, things are not looking good for our bumbling crew: ratings are down while meandering plot lines are still alive and kicking. But if we learned anything from last week’s epic Haiti episode, it’s that the show must go on! And last night it went on and on and on.

We begin with Kate the spy. She’s still bitter that her boss kidnapped her Yugoslavian boyfriend and sent him back home for communism-fighting purposes. She’s so bitter, in fact, that she’s decided to get out of the espionage business altogether. But the boss won’t let her. (Apparently, there’s a short supply of sensational redheads who can deliver books and cigarettes to men in ugly turtlenecks.) After he threatens to fire her from Pan Am, she reluctantly agrees to an assignment across the pond.

Meanwhile Maggie helps her Beatnik friend Sam wiggle onto their flight to England. (It is in his highest interest to attend the World Atomic Symposium, or, in his words, the event hosting “the biggest death merchants on the planet.”) On the flight, Sam decides to give the Full Beatnik Treatment to charming yet atomically inclined congressman Christopher Rollins. Maggie catches wind of this and nips his speech in the bud to avoid getting herself into trouble—though naturally she too is anti-world annihilation. When she apologizes to the congressman, he says she has a cute blue hat, indicating that they will sleep together by the end of the episode. (She will also set fire to one of his speeches and consequently almost burn down an entire hotel building, but that’s beside the point.) How far we’ve come since the Great Hook-up Draught of October.

Speaking of hook-ups, Dean’s keen on charming Colette after their passionate embrace on a crumbling tarmac in Haiti. His plan of attack? Show up outside her apartment in his best country-boy outfit and offer her a flying lesson on his family farm. What’s Dean’s preferred casualwear, you ask? Denim on denim on denim! So much denim that Colette just has to do him in a barn. Yes, that happens. But not before Colette meets his solemn country parents, who wonder aloud what happened to the former Pan Am stewardess and No. 1 D-man squeeze Bridget Pearce. Despite his parents’ horrible manners, Dean manages to reassure Colette that she’s the only one for him, after which they perform the aforementioned roll in the hay.

Back in England, Ted’s parents have arranged a date with an old family friend, Amanda (Greene), about whom he has painful childhood memories. He asks Laura to pretend to be his jealous girlfriend so he can end the night early, but then hits it off with Amanda and brings her back to his hotel room. Laura—who never really seemed to dig Ted before—realizes what she’s been missing. Let’s hope this leads to a good old-fashioned hair-pulling match next time.

The episode closes with Kate. The horribly dressed British spy to whom she was supposed to deliver a pack of cigarettes asks her for help with a last-minute mission. It’s not clear how or why, but if Kate can pull this one off, she will also restore Bridget’s compromised identity. The whole thing involves many an ugly tweed blazer and ends with a scuffle between her British boss and a jewelry salesman/enemy/communist (?). Between punches, someone’s gun falls down the stairwell near Kate. She picks it up and aims. Then: bang! Closing credits.

A doozey of a plot-pusher, that episode nine. It made us miss Don Draper quite a bit. He, a sophisticated gentleman, does not wear three-piece denim suits or Steve Jobs–style turtlenecks. Let’s look at a few moments in the episode and ask: What Would Don Do?Sam, the bearded Beatnik meant to represent liberal thought in the 60s, yells at a congressman in first class for supporting nuclear development.

WWDD? Don is not one to tolerate backtalk. Not from Betty, not from Peggy, not even from his late secretary Ida Blankenship. He would most definitely not tolerate a passionate tirade from some unhygienic artist without a job. He’d coolly press the “help” button, then ask a stewardess to do something about the annoying buzzing in his ear.

On Pan Am: The congressman patiently listens, and even implores Ted not to silence Sam when he steps in to stop the confrontation. Is it just us, or is it suspiciously inconsistent that the same guy who’s pro-intimidating-world-leaders-with-nuclear-weapons is also a strong believer in free speech on a seven-hour flight?

A grumpy old Pan Am pilot replaces Ted for the flight to London, and won't shut up about his time in the war.WWDD?Don has a way about making his older, more experienced superiors feel silly and sentimental for chatting about wars they’ve fought in. He’d most likely nod and nurse a Manhattan during the stories. Then he’d adopt a cryptic expression and express his understanding. Afterward, he’d challenge the aforementioned pilot to an arm wrestle.

On Pan Am: Like the spineless sidekick he is, Ted sits back and allows the old guy to relive his glory years. He also doesn’t say anything when the geezer spanks Laura on her way out of the cockpit. Remind us: Why does she have a crush on him?

While buying apples on a farm, Dean springs surprise lunch plans with his parents on Colette.

WWDD? Don is often averse to meeting/interacting with/and staying loyal to family. But what he hates more are surprises. He’d most likely find a way to delay lunch—perhaps suggesting a “nap” in a nearby barn and, well, you know what happens next . . .

On Pan Am:Colette doesn’t seem incredibly excited about meeting Dean’s parents, especially since she and Dean had their first kiss only an episode ago. Nevertheless, she is flattered and mildly excited for lunch. Since she sang the German national anthem at a fancy dinner party, there is nowhere to go at social gatherings but up.

For VF.com’s recaps of previousPan Amepisodes and more rounds of What Would Don Do? read here.