A sixteen year-old boy came home
with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss, "Where
did you get that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought
it today."

"With what money?" demanded his
parents? "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one
cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to panic
and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen
dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street,"
said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved
in.

She saw me ride past on my bike
and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the
mother to the boys father, "John, you go right up there
and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up
the street to the house where the lady lived and found
her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He
introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she
had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded
to know what was going on.

"Well," she said, "this morning
I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on
a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off
to Hawaii with his secretary.

The secretary took his money
and left him after they had arrived.

He called me and claimed he was
robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche
and send him the money. So I did."

A mechanic who worked out of
his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating
all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to
keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working
on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it
in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him,
so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from
the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next
morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting
in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward
the heavens and proclaimed,

A man and a woman were driving
down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity.
Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the
man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is
a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl
was just chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden,
the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks
for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks
her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not
wanting to expose his nine year-old daughter to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It
was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused
look on her face, and after a few minutes she
says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

The other day I was on my way
home from work when the most remarkable thing happened.
Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light,
out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If
that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck
under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green
and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield.
Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers
seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew
off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield
of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the
windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a
police car.

Of course, knowing my luck, immediately
the lights went on and I was forced to pull over.
The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the
light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He
simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me
the bird.

TopSubj: Man
Tries To Get Boy In Car (S319)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/7/2003

An eight year old boy is walking
down the road one day when a car pulls over next to
him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll
give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on
walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an
answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How
about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave
him alone and keeps on walking. Still further
down the road the man pulls over to the side road.
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50
and all the candy you can eat." The little boy
stops, goes to the car and leans in.

"Look," he says to the driver.
"You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with
it!"

This story happened about a month
ago in a little town in Mexico, and even when it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale it's real. This guy
was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night
and in the middle of a storm.

The night was rolling and no
car went by, the storm was so strong he could hardly see a
few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards
him and stop.

The guy without thinking about
it got in the car closes the door just to realize there's
nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks
at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts
to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock,
when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the
window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror,
watched how the hand appears every time they are before a
curve. The guy gathering strength gets out of the car
and runs to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock he goes to a
cantina and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling
everybody about the horrible experience he went thru.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying
and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two
guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other. "Look
Pepe, that's the loser that got in the car when we were
pushing it."

This is the 1936 Ford Tudor Sedan
built for and owned by Allegheny Ludlum Steel.
This is 1 of only 4 in existence and is the only one currently
in running & in road worthy condition. All 4 cars
each had over 200,000 miles on them before they removed them from
service. Click 'HERE' to see this stainless Steel beauty.

Comment made by Daly City, California
police Sgt David Mackriss over an incident involving
bonehead award winner two, a Palo Alto California
man who, according to police, because he was angry that his
RV was being towed because he didn't have a valid driver's
license, to protest, threw himself down on a busy roadway
refusing to budge and was promptly run over twice by the
same car which was fleeing from police. He is now
recuperating with multiple broken bones.

And what says our award winner?

"The car just ran right over
my lap at 60 miles an hour. I was sitting up, and my lefts
were stretched out. It almost hit my nose. He
could have killed me."

Glad he came to his senses.

San Francisco Chronicle 3-Oct-01

TopSubj: Two
Guys Out for A Drive (S293)
From: HuntMcmahunt on 9/13/2002

A man was taking a drive in the
city with his friend, but every time his friend would
come to red light, he would go right through it. The
man says to his friend after the second time, "Why are you going
through the red lights?"

His friend says, "Don't worry,
my brother drives like this." They come to the
third and he asks again, "What are you doing?" The friend
says, "I told you, don't worry, my brother drives like this."

Finally they come to a green
light and his friend stops. Bewilderedly he asks, "Why have
you stopped at the green light?" Says his friend,
"Hey, my brother might be coming the other way!"

TopSubj: Two
Elderly Ladies Out For A Drive (S212, S424b)
From: RFSlick on 2/11/2001 Source: (Removed from craftonreunion.org)

Two elderly women were out driving
in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat
thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn
we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they
came to another intersection, the light was red, and again
they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost
sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned
that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was definitely red and they went
right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights
in a row? You could have killed us"

Livio De Marchi, a wood carver and
sculptor from Venice, Italy is amazing. His web site
at http://www.liviodemarchi.com/
is outstanding. You can view
29 pictures of his works in the attached by clicking
'HERE'.

An elderly Florida lady did her
shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males
in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping
bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them
at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to
use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for
a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon
the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's
seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into
the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on
her why.

A few minutes later she found
her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself
in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of
the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a
car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less
than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a
large handgun.

A lawyer returns to his parked
BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage.
There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved
to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield
wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your
Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding
and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address
and other particulars. But I'm not."

A very successful LA lawyer parked
his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was
getting out of the car, a truck came along, too close to the
curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Jag.

The counselor immediately grabbed
his cell telephone, dialed 911, and it was not more
than 5 minutes before a police officer pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer
started screaming hysterically.

His Jag, which he had just picked
up the day before, was now completely ruined and
would never be the same, no matter how the body shop
tried to make it like new again.

After the lawyer finally wound
down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust
and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your
possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?"
asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you
know that your left arm is missing from the elbow
down?.... It must have been torn off when the truck hit
you."

"Oh My God!" screamed the lawyer,
finally noticing the bloody left elbow where his
arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!!!!!"

Jenny was so happy about the
house they had found. For once in her life 'twas on
the right side of town. She unpacked her things with
such great ease. As she watched her new curtains
blow in the breeze.

How wonderful it was to have
her own room. School would be starting, she's
have friends over soon. There'd be sleep-overs, and
parties: she was so happy. It's just the way she wanted
her life to be.

On the first day of school, everything
went great. She made new friends and even
got a date. She thought, "I want to be popular
and I'm going to be, Because I just got a date with
the star of the team!"

To be known in this school you
had to have a clout, And dating this guy would sure
help her out. There was only one problem stopping
her fate. Her parents had said she was
too young to date.

"Well, I just won't tell them
the entire truth. They won't know the difference:
what's there to lose?" Jenny asked to stay with her
friends that night. Her parents frowned but said,
"All right."

Excited, she got ready for the
big event. But as she rushed around like
she had no sense, She began to feel guilty about
all the lies, But what's a pizza, a party,
and a moonlight ride?

Well the pizza was good, and
the party was great, But the moonlight ride would
have to wait. For Jeff was half drunk by this
time. But he kissed her and said that
he was just fine.

Then the room filled with smoke
and Jeff took a puff. Jenny couldn't believe he was
smoking that stuff. Now Jeff was ready to ride to
the point, But only after he'd smoked another
joint.

They jumped in the car for the
moonlight ride, Not thinking that he was too
drunk to drive. They finally made it to the
point at last, And Jeff started trying to make
a pass.

A pass is not what Jenny wanted
at all (and by a pass, I don't mean
playing football). "Perhaps my parents were right....maybe
I am too young. Boy, how could I ever, ever
be so dumb."

With all of her might, she pushed
Jeff away: "Please take me home, I don't
want stay." Jeff cranked up the engine and
floored the gas. In a matter of seconds they
were going too fast.

As Jeff drove on in a fit of
wild anger, Jenny knew that her life was
in danger. She begged and pleaded for him
to slow down, But he just got faster as they
neared the town.

"Just let me get home!
I'll confess that I lied. I really went out for a moonlight
ride." Then all of a sudden, she saw
a big flash. "Oh God, Please help us!
We're going to crash!"

She doesn't remember the force
of impact. Just that everything all of
a sudden went black. She felt someone remove her
from the twisted rubble, And heard, "Call an ambulance!
These kids are in trouble!"

Voices she heard...a few words
at best. But she knew there were two
cars involved in the wreck. Then wondered to herself if
Jeff was all right, And if the people in the other
car were alive.

She awoke in the hospital to
faces so sad. "You've been in a wreck and
it looks pretty bad." These voices echoed inside her
head, As they gently told her that
Jeff was dead.

They said "Jenny, we've done
all we can do. But it looks as if we'll lose
you too." "But the people in the other
car?" Jenny cried. "We're sorry, Jenny, they also
died."

Jenny prayed, "God, forgive me
for what I've done. I only wanted to have just one
night of fun." Tell those people's family,
I've made their lives dim, And wish I could return their
families to them."

"Tell Mom and Dad I'm sorry I
lied, And that it's my fault so many
have died. Oh, nurse, won't you please
tell them that for me?" The nurse just stood there-she
never agreed.

But took Jenny's hand with tears
in her eyes. And a few moments later Jenny
died. A man asked the nurse, "Why
didn't you do you best, To bid that girl her one last
request?"

She looked at the man with eyes
oh so sad. "Because the people in the other
car were her mom and dad." This story is sad and unpleasant
but true, So young people take heed, it
could have been you.

For the engineers among us who
understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and
that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts
...

A complaint was received by a
major car manufacturer:

"This is the second time I have
written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because
I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a
tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner
each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night,
after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of
ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get
it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new car
and since then my trips to the store have created a problem.
You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start
back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other
kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you
to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly
it sounds: 'What is there about your car that makes it not start
when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever get
any other kind?'"

The President of the car company
was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an
engineer to check it out anyway.

He had arranged to meet the man
just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car
and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream
that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the
car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three
more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car
started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started.
The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical
man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic
to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits
for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward
this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts
of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back
and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue:
the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor.
Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.

Vanilla, being the most popular
flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for
quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back
of the store at a different counter where it took considerably
longer to find the flavor and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer
was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time.
Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream --
the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock.
It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the
other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start.
When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for
the vapor lock to dissipate.

Acura Integra I have always
wanted to own the Buick of sports cars Acura Legend I'm too bland
for German cars Acura NSX I am impotent Audi 90 I enjoy putting
out engine fires Buick Park Avenue I am older
than 34 of the 50 states Cadillac Eldorado I am a very
good Mary Kay salesman Cadillac Seville I am a pimp Chevrolet Camaro I enjoy beating
the hell out of people Chevrolet Cavalier I am a sex
machine Chevrolet Chevette I like seeing
people's reactions when I tell them I have a
'Vette Chevrolet Corvette I'm in a
mid-life crisis Chevrolet El Camino I am leading
a militia to overthrow the government Chrysler Cordoba I dig the
rich Corinthian leather Datsun 280Z I have a
kilo of cocaine in my wheel well Dodge Dart I teach third
grade special education and I voted for
Eisenhower Dodge Daytona I delivered
pizza for four years to get this car Ferrari Testarossa I am known
to prematurely ejaculate Ford Fairmont (See Dodge
Dart) Ford Mustang I slow down
to 85 in school zones Ford Crown Victoria I enjoy having
people slow to 55mph and change lanes
when I pull up behind them Geo Storm I will start
the 11th grade in the fall. Geo Tracker I will start
the 12th grade in the fall. Honda del Sol I have always
said, half a convertible is better than
no convertible at all Honda Civic I have just
graduated and have no credit Honda Accord I lack any
originality and am basically a lemming. Infiniti Q45 I am a physician
with 17 malpractice suits pending. Isuzu Impulse I do not
give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports. Jaguar XJ6 I am so rich
I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop
280 days per year. Kia Sephia I learned
nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp. Lamborghini Countach I only have
one testicle Lincoln Town Car I live for
bingo and covered dish suppers Mercedes 500SL I will beat
you up if you ask me for an autograph Mercedes 560SEL I have a
daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole Mazda Miata I do not
fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler MGB I am dating
a mechanic Mitsubishi Diamante I don't know
what it means either Nissan 300ZX I have yet
to complete my divorce proceedings. Oldsmobile Cutlass I just stole
this car and I'm going to make a fortune off
the parts Peugeot 505 Diesel I am on the
EPA's Ten Most Wanted List Plymouth Neon I sincerely
enjoy doing the Macarena Pontiac Trans AM I have a
switchblade in my sock Porsche 911 Turbo I have a
three inch thingy Porsche 944 I am dating
big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible
to me Rolls Royce I think Pat
Buchanan is a tad bit tool iberal Saturn SC2 (See Honda
Civic) Subaru Legacy I have always
wanted a Japanese car even more inferior
than Isuzu Toyota Camry I am still
in the closet Volkswagen Cabriolet I am out
of the closet Volkswagen Beetle I still watch
Partridge Family reruns Volvo 740 Wagon I am frightened
of my wife

After your license comes on the
screen, click the box marked "Please Remove". This will remove
it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.
The government should never have released this information to
the public.

Since driving conditions (and
culture) are unique in LA, you may not have realized that
the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued
a special application and driver's test solely for the
Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

(If
your answer is Cabriolet, please add six to eight weeks
to normal delivery time for your driver's license.)

16) Length of daily commute:

[
] 1 hour [
] 2 hours [
] 3 hours [
] 4 hours or more

TopSubj: Girl
Has Device That Causes Cars To Break Down
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13

A girl had devised a device to
cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly
break down but couldn't find any practical way to profit
from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as
the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the
man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as
soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his
penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or
I'll bite hard!". Of course usually the guy would pay and
she'd let him go.

Well one day a Wisconsinite broke
down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough,
he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with
him in her mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite."

The Wisconsinite just smiled
and said "$100 or I'll piss!"

TopSubj: Stripping
To Speed Up The Car (S223, S460)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #35 on 98-02-05 and
From: auntiegah on 11/16/2005

A man and a woman were dating.
She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly
pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact,
he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the
freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I
can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For
every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll
remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and
sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took
off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was
her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the
first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he
became very excited and lost control of the car. He
veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a
tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She
tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help,"
he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his
shoes. You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it
up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the
road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing
a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to
hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's
stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down
at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in
that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!

TopSubj: Guy
Gets Help During Car Sex (S208)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 08 Jan 97 and
From: thebartend on 1/25/2001

A guy on a date parks and gets
the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants
it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they
do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse
me a minute I have to relive myself." While out of
the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks
the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given
it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll
change your flat if you'll take over for me."

The guy does and is just getting
in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and
shines a light on them.

The cop asks "What're you doing
in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love
to my wife."

The cop asks "Why don't you do
that at home?"

The guy answers "To tell you
the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the
light on her."