Wednesday, February 10, 2016

This morning as my first baby turns 21 and I reflect on his
life, I am in awe.I say this every time
one of them has a birthday, but . . . where does time go?I remember people saying when the kids were
little, “You will never wish you spent more time at work (or more time cleaning
the house or whatever equivalent you might put there), but if you spend too
much time at those things, you will wish you spent more time with your
children.”I think that no matter how
intentional you are as a parent, you will always wish you had more time when
they were little.You will always wish
you could have done something different.As I reflect on James’s life, it is pretty incredible.We were babies when we had him . . . I
remember being both scared and overconfident at the same time when he was born,
knowing that we were going to do our best to do things right yet wondering what
“right” looked like.

The memories flood me . . . the good times and the not so good.

I remember the moment he was born . . . the fear because of
how difficult the labor had been, the relief that he was okay, the uncertainty
when we were told he had a cleft, the hope we sensed as family and friends
rallied around us and helped us find the perfect doctor. I remember holding him . . . I even remember dropping him (only from my arms to the bed, but it was enough for me to deem myself an unfit mom and breakdown into tears, which I later learned was completely normal for a person who has just delivered a baby). It seems like yesterday, and it seems like a lifetime ago.

I remember finishing college those first three months after
he was born, my amazing professors who let him come to class with me, my
college friends who watched him in their dorm when I could not take him to
class, the lack of sleep as I dealt with a new baby and approaching finals,
Brent’s incredible help during that crazy time.

I remember planning and preparing for his surgery, the night
before when we went to Tulsa early to just enjoy some time the evening before,
taking him swimming for the first time, looking at his big, beautiful cleft
smile that we knew would get smaller after surgery and wondering if the risk of
surgery was worth it while knowing it was necessary.I remember the anesthesiologist taking him
from us and wondering again.I remember
the incredible peace God gave us throughout the surgery.

I remember his first day of daycare and his first day of
pre-kindergarten.I remember his raspy
voice and his ability to talk to adults like he was the same age as them.I almost can’t remember when he didn’t
talk!!!He could say 30 words at his first
Christmas.He wasn’t even 11 months old
yet.I remember correcting him a many
times because he sometimes came across as disrespectful because of how he
related to adults, almost as if he thought he was one of them.

I remember parenting mistakes we made, like spanking him too
much when he was a little guy or initially trying too hard to make him fit a
specific schedule (that only lasted about two weeks) when the schedule was
better for me than it was for him.I
have been far too impatient at times and far too emotional at times.There are other parts of parenting that I
still haven’t decided about.He argues
with us about things we should maybe do differently with David and Sarah.

I remember parenting moments that I think were right.I remember requiring a lot of him, of all the
kids, but especially of him being the oldest, to serve others . . . to help
with our church plant setting up and tearing down . . . providing resources to
people who did not have resources, providing a meal, but more importantly, a
conversation to people who did not have food or a home, and probably didn’t
feel like they had dignity.We taught
him to stand up for what he thought was right but to do so while treating
others with respect.I remember when he
was being bullied in junior high, trying to work through that with him in all
the peaceful ways possible and finally being so frustrated that we told him to
just do whatever necessary to stand up for himself, and we would back him . . .
then going and asking the principal for help.

I remember the moment he said he loved Jesus and wanted Him
to be his Savior.He was only three, but
he was able to explain what it meant to us, and he has been dedicated to
serving God since that time.I remember
many phone calls to Brent when he was at work because James was asking
questions from the Bible that I could not answer.Sometimes Brent could answer them, and sometimes
he had to get out the commentary and continue the conversation the next
day.James kept us on our toes.

I remember (oh, wait, it was only a couple days ago) his
stubbornness and his argumentativeness.That also kept us on our toes.One thing I can say about James is that it wasn’t often that he was
outright defiant.It was just constant
that he was telling us what made our rule or position wrong, and he would argue
it vehemently.Sometimes his arguments
were valid, but usually by the time we reached the point of his validity, I was
so frustrated, there was no way I was giving in.I guess he comes by the stubbornness
naturally.

I remember all the emergency room/urgent care visits.I remember crazy stunts that should have
landed us in the ER or UC but thankfully didn’t.He was so cautious when he was little.I think Jason walked up and down stairs
before James, but once James got over this phase, he was willing to try about
anything.Letting go has never been easy
for me.From sliding down the stairs on
mattresses to cliff diving to sleeping on the beach at night by himself to
moving to Haiti, none of it has been comfortable for me.Sometimes I feel like I’d rather not
know.But I do want to know because I
don’t want to miss out on his life.

I remember his ability to start up conversations with
homeless people . . . when he was 12 or 13 . . . and the compassion he showed
to other people.Even when he was
little, he chose friends from the kids who were often unchosen.It was hard because it has not always been
safe and we have had to set boundaries, but it has been beautiful to
watch.When he talks about his “friends
on the street,” they really have become friends.

Today as we celebrate his life and send him out to continue
this mission God has called him to, I ache.I ache to get moments in time back . . . to be able to gaze into his
eyes while holding him in my arms . . . to be able to kiss his scrapes and his
bruises . . . to even correct him when he touches things he shouldn’t touch or
refuses to share with his brother.But I
am just as excited about his future.He
has such a heart for the Lord.He is
such an incredible role model for so many.It would be a waste of everything God has created him to be for me to
selfishly hold him here.So I will cry .
. . I have cried . . . and I will miss him so very much, but deep inside I am
happy for him and with him and proud of him for doing what God has called him
to do.

And for those of you with young kids still, I don’t know if
you will ever feel like you have truly spent as much time with them as you wish
you had.Don’t beat yourself up about
that, but do seize the moments and cherish them.More than anything, cherish them!!!!Capture the moments in your mind because you
can’t really relive them, but you can remember them. And be ready to set them free to be all that God has called them to be. Remember to love them with everything you have in you, but remember ultimately they belong to the Lord, and you have to be willing to give them back to Him.

About Me

First, I love Jesus and am so thankful that he is my Savior!! I am married to my amazing husband, Brent, and have three handsome sons and a beautiful daughter. We have planted a church in Bakersfield, California, and our prayer is that people will see Jesus in us and want to know more about him. I also work as a social worker for Pathway Family Services.

Romans 5:2b-5

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, becuse we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.