i used to tell people at the bars that i hit rock awesome, not rock bottom.

My name is kelly an i grew up between three cornfields and a gravel pit in southern ohio. i was raised by the football player and the cheerleader. My father was a proud vietnam vet and my mom was a doting housewife. I never once saw them drink more than one drink at a sitting, they raised me the best they could. I am one of the few people that could blame none of my problems in later life on her upbringing, it was norman rockwell...until my sisters and i messed it up for ourselves. Its also a good correlation to show you how alcoholism is genetic. my mother has social anxiety and i promise you that if she ever picked up a drink she would never stop. she has every ism of alcoholism without the alcohol. there were three of us...my oldest sister was an 80s thrasher who was dealing drugs in high school until she got kicked out. my middle sister looked like kelly bundy and wound up selling herself for crack years later. then there was me, the baby. i was a drunk through and through and jumped from counter culture to counter culture until i landed in the rooms. heres the story

From the beginning i could not moderate i ate alcoholicly, i had sex alcoholically, did drugs alcoholically and drank well...alcoholically. i was an escapist growing up...i hid in books and in imagination and never could relate to kids my age. my oldest sister was put in a mental hospital for her drug use and bipolar when she was 16 and the other kids knew it. i just felt like they were always watching me and waiting for me to explode. i would fake panic attacks in elementary school (which i mimiced from my mother's at home) so i could go home and not have to face my peers. first time i tried drugs i was 11 years old, my sister thought it would be funny to get me high. around that time my sisters and i would sneak upstairs, get into the liquor cabinet and watch headbangers ball. my parents never noticed and all of the alcohol was in those big decorative bottles with the seals. we would fill it up with water and thought we were super awesome. in middle school i was obese because instead of dealing with things i would eat....so that made me a target for the other kids. i got tied to a bus and made fun of on a daily basis. so the break before high school i decided to fix things...my sister taught me if they were scared that they would leave me alone.

i stormed into high school with lots of black thrift store clothes and makeup and in general a ### you attitude. everyone figured i had finally just snapped like my sisters and got out of my way. i also was in all honors classes with straight a's so my parents figured i was fine. i was more into drugs at first because they were easier to get than alcohol where i was at. i started hanging out with the punks and goths and other self important kids that hung at the mall. i was taking lots of pills and smoking opium and all sorts of things...here are some signs i was taking it too far to early.
- i would take screwdrivers to work at 16.
- i took too many morphine pills and passed out cold in public at 14 with my best friend. got the wahwahs and tunnel vision and hitthe ground at rock and roll hall of fame. looked up to see my friends retreat in fear of getting busted because they were holding.
-my flask was an army canteen. that was what i called moderation.
-dated a drug dealer when i was 15 and he was 21 to get access to whatever i wanted. he didnt take my virginity so i lied to everyone said he kicked me out of a hotel room to get sympathy drugs.
- two of my friends went to rehab at 16 and i was already drinking and driving with no remorse. i lived for the weekends and would think about it all week at school as to who had what and how would i get it.
- 16th bday my sisters got me a bottle of jack and a camp site.
- due to being in the top of my class and frustration with the school authorities i opted to go to college my senior year and the high school paid for it. so i started college before i turned 17.
-my high school prom date died in a drunk driving accident. and i drank in his honor.

college was when i started spinning out of control. i was underage with a college id. i joined drama where the older kids would throw parties and not worry how old i was. thye only realized i was under age when i had to get a permission slip signed to go out of town on a trip. i started sneaking into clubs, goth clubs and gay bars mostly...they didnt care how old i was. i would pass out at my middle sisters apartment after rolling at 5am after the afterparties. mom thought i was just babysitting. my sister at the time was hooked on coke and dabbling with crack. here are some of the events of that time frame.

-my sister tried to sell my virginity to her boyfriends brother for drugs
-she tried to arrange a threesome with her boyfriend because he always wanted sisters...and i freaked out and said no...but continuted to crash at her apartment so i could drink and do drugs.
-would spend weekends crashing at squats in the bad parts of town where the punk rockers threw parties.
-lost my virginity to a gay man after we drank two bottles of vodka.
-would date horrible men and freak out on them in huge public scenes at bars.
-went from hanging out at clubs to seedy hole in the wall bars where they ahd cheap and strong drinks.
-started hanging with heroin addicted crust punks and a lot of strippers.
-lying about my age i was dating guys over ten years older than me that had no idea.
-working with hangovers was the rule and not the exception.
-still at the top of my class in college so my parents had no idea. they figured if my grades were up i was under control and functional.
-first sexual assault at a drama party when i was 17. i dont remember it i was passed out on a couch. it was a girl on me aparently i was just saying no no no over and over again. i friend found this and locked my by myself in a room.
-people would switch my drinks out with water at drama parties towards the end
-transferred colleges because i was sick of living at my parents.
-moved to the city
-my roomates would leave me at clubs because i would get too drunk.
-i would have people crashed out in my room that i would go back to let out between classes at college.
-moved to the worst and cheapest part of town because i was going broke, there were bars on my windows and gunshots. i also had backstreet access to my favorite clubs to provent police busting me drunk.

After college:
-always would find one best girl friend and be inseperable. found her..she was a stock broker by day...bartender and hellraiser by night.
-her previous best friend left after a botched intervention with her parents about her drinking.
-we were the worse influences on each other. we would go out and drink, make asses of ourselves then spend the next day on her couch under blankets hiding from the world. we started making up intricate stories and mapping out animal stores to go play with kittens because it would make us feel better. we were literally drinking ourselves crazy. she was covered in tattoos and no one gave her #### when we met....it all went south.
-she was part of a local skinhead gang...non racist skins and we would get drunk and hook up with the boys...thankfully i only hooked up with one at all of the parties...but she was getting passed around. this was what we called a normal relationship.
-i was making up my own relationships with guys that were using me. the longest i dated a guy was 2 months. i was lonely and would throw my body at guys thinking it would make them love me.
-i was drinking and dieting...lost 70 lbs and didnt know how to handle the attention.
-my hair was falling out
-the panic attacks the day after drinking benders got so bad i went to shrinks to get meds. i was put on klonopin, ativan, etc for my anxiety attacks
-combining the benzos and alcohol i was blacking out every weekend, and during the week when i would drink.
-i would scream at my friends and start fights in public over nothing in blackouts.
-my best friend had started doing a lot of painkillers and would get violent when she drank. she tried to punch out my car window once when i took her keys so she couldnt drive. she tried to throw her then boyfriend through huge window when he tried the same. she would hit me when i upset her.
- my behavior in blackouts was getting more and more bizarre, i would get super emotional or violent...both of which were not in my sober nature at all. i thought showing emotion showed weakness.
-i started sleeping with musicians. and married musicians. i remember waking up at a guys house and seeing his daughters diapers and syringes in the trash and only then remembered he got dopesick in my car.
-i was raped by a bartender i dated. i didnt call the cops. in fact i tried to pretend nothing happened by being nice to his face then getting drunk and freaking out hysterically on my friends and his friends. then they thought i was lying because i would talk to him in public. i couldnt handle the word rape or even say it for years because i didnt want to be seen as a victim. he wound up getting arrested for raping another girl a few months later at a bar. i had guilt that i could have prevented that by coming forward.
-at work they htought i had a stomach flu which was just hangover. girls at the office would give me gum to cover up the vodka i was sweating out.

the end of the drinking
As if i had not put myself through enough there was one last trial. My drinking had never lost me a job or a house and i still had a family that was talking to me. I was completely coming unhinged mentally. i met another "the guy." he was in a band, of course, and was a perfect gentleman on our first date...which we walked to thanks to his dui. so long story short i fall hard and fast and we hook up drunkenly after one of his shows....in my mind we are dating at this point. He calls the next day to let me know he only said "those things about likeing me to sleep with me" and that he had a diff girl at the show later and hoped i wouldnt flip out on him. I had my cute new outfit on and my makeup done for the show and i promptly got in the shower in an overdramatic john hughes scene.

This is the last nail in the coffin. i drink until i cry at bars or black out or scream from this point on. my stomach starts cramping and i bleed for three weeks straight. i thought i was having a misscarriage. i go to the dr. get a call on valentines day that he gave me the clap. this combined with all of the happy vd texts was too much. i sit down with my bottle of vodka and a bottle of klonopin and decide to take them until the anxiety atttacks stop. i wake up two days later at my parents.

not done yet...drink to die for another few months alone. the best friend calls drunkenly stating that its my fault shes driving drunk because i wasnt there to drive her. it all ended the day i got a new tattoo. i had jsut gotten "protect me from what i want" tattooed on my arm then decided to have a drink at the local dive. only one because i have to be up early for work. five hours later im drunker than hootie brown at a bar in northern kentucky when i find out that musicians bank is playing across town. and i had made it a point to show up and make drunk scenes at his shows up to that point. so i walked two miles to his show at a biker bar. i proceed to get my bra on the antlers, make out with a waitress and some guy. swap shirts with a girl try to fight and ### that guy and his gf. then make it home with two hours until work.

it was one of those hangover no sleep work days that you just want to end so you can go home and pass out. i relized i had a shrink appointment after work so i get there still reeking of booze. he said i either quit drinking or find a new shrink because he would not help me die. he threw my file at me and had me see if any of my issues didnt stem some how from alcohol. he was in the program and gave me a where and when. i called a friend who had gotten sober and told him i needed to hit a meeting. i promptly called him back and said nevermind. he showed up and took me to my first meeting. i have not had a drink since.

quiting was not easy...i lost most of my friends. and had a lot of adjustments. i still have days where my disease tells me it was the time or the drugs or something and i could handle it now. but i know i cant.

Welcome to the site, Kelly! And, thank you, for sharing. Yep. I understand. I relate... to the drinking. Using. Feelings. Thinking. Some of the behaviors. And... most importantly... to the survival! I've heard that some scientists are doing a research -- to figure out what it is about people like us -- that can go through hell 10 levels deep -- and still be able to survive it -- when one level of hell would have killed normal people.

I'm glad someone that may have a few brain cells is studying it. I've sat around thinking about it -- sober -- for the last 23 years... "What the heck is it about us... that we were able to survive the things that would have killed a city of people???"

I believe that there is something different about us. Not just different in the sense of alcoholism or addiction, or the feelings... there is something else about us... that is obviously different. We're able to survive the hell -- and then get out of it and help others get out of it, too!

Maybe, that's the secret. Helping others. We made a decision to get out of hell -- to stay out of hell -- and to help others get out and stay out of hell. And, we followed through, with actions. So, maybe, that's one of the differences in us and other drunks that don't make it. The one's that die drinking and using. We took some different actions.

Thanks again for sharing. I hope you keep coming back. I felt a bond with you after reading your story.