Open International Adoption

So we are doing it – for real. Open international adoption. While I had done some searching I had thought that it would be other, periphery relatives that I would find; instead it looks like I will be meeting Mijo’s biological mother. While I refuse to share much about my child’s story even on an anonymous blog, I will state that there are very good reasons why his biological mother is incapable of parenting him now or ever. There are so many hard truths in adoption, in any adoption, but one hard truth that I do not have to deal with is that there was no possibility for my child to be with his biological mother. I have kept up with the debate, and I truly believe open international adoption is the right way to go. But when it became clear that I could meet with the biological mother my stomach dropped. I am ashamed to admit it, but my stomach dropped and I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it. It took only a couple of minutes though for me to remember that it is the right thing, the best thing for Mijo. Being a parent means that we do what is best for our kids, not necessarily what is easiest for us.

Because I have read AmFam’s blog, I decided that rather than initiate contact over the Internet, it might be best to meet face-to-face. Face-to-face meeting is a bit more intimidating and perhaps emotionally charged, but AmFam made me realize that online interactions open up a more constant communication and looser boundaries. Perhaps it truly is for selfish reasons that I am planning an international trip to start this relationship, but I am also not sure yet just how positive this will be for Mijo.

So why am I opening up an international adoption? The short answer is for my kid. While he hasn’t had many questions yet, someday he will. This may be the only way that he can get the answers that he wants and needs. She is the only one who can tell me about his birth and infancy and about biological medical history. When he wants to send her a card, he can. I am always cautious where my child’s emotional health is concerned.

I don’t have a long-term plan. I am just realizing that we will meet, hopefully in the next six months. I don’t know if we will regularly exchange mail. I don’t know if we will move to an online relationship. I don’t even know how much contact is really right for Mijo.

So as I am thinking about this first meeting and trying to prepare for the absolute unknowable… What are questions that you would ask? What are questions that I really must ask? What are the things that I should say? What is it that she needs to hear from me that will provide comfort? And as long as I’m asking for advice, what do you think you would do as the next step in this open it international adoption relationship? What are the boundaries that you would draw? What you think will be most important to my son?

3 responses to “Open International Adoption”

Just wanted to let you know that I support your decision to open your adoption. We have two girls adopted internationally and have opened their adoption and it has brought us all so much peace. I was able to get copies of their birth certificates, the birth family has shared family pictures of relatives, their birth and milestones before being placed for adoption, and we even have gotten medical and family history from them. In turn we have shared birthday pictures, news of lost teeth, school achievements, and family events. It has been such a blessing.

Thank you, Angel. It is still a work in progress and figuring out just how open we will be. Right now I send things through a third party and we haven’t received anything in return. She cancelled on our meeting at the last minute, but with some new memories he is sharing with me, perhaps it is better for me to have that separation for now while we both process through things.

I am a single mom by international adoption, living in the midwest and just starting out in the blogging world. My house has an entertaining cast of characters, and I hope you enjoy laughing with us as we navigate our way through the world.