Rules of engagement

Can’t fathom how you went from ‘hot, single, ready to mingle’ to ‘signed, sealed,delivered’? We break it down

When I first met my husband, he did not believe in marriage. He was, typically, most committed to his commitment phobia, embracing it as a nun holds on to her chastity. These days, many women who hear the words “I am not the marrying kind” react by leaving the relationship immediately. These girls have no patience and their self-esteem is too high to put up with more than 30 seconds of bullshit.

Then you have women like me. We see commitment phobia as less of an impediment and more an inconvenient character trait – like snoring. We have sticking power and are not the kind of chicks you want to get entangled with if remaining single is part of your grand plan. But, there’s a catch: we look and sound like any other regular girl. So, as a favour to men everywhere, I’m going to help you figure out if you have been understood perfectly or if, despite what you think, your inamorata/fuck buddy has turned into a wife.

The first warning flag is any change in pronoun use: Is she using “our” for stuff that clearly belongs to you? You probably think this is harmless and will be too embarrassed to say “actually, babe, the Porsche belongs to me” – which means she has you exactly where she wants you. On the upside, we women are possessive to a fault; so if nothing else, she will kill anyone who puts so much as a speck of dust on that Porsche.

If you haven’t been able to pull the brakes on this yet, you’ll notice her escalate the offensive by (not-so) gently letting you know that she thinks your taste in almost everything is deplorable. Most of us keep this under wraps for a long time, lying through our teeth when confronted with your mother’s god-awful, hand-me-down Lladro collection. Know that you now have a deeper relationship – and from here on, it’s quicksand, swift and relentless.

Speaking of parents. Now’s the time she also becomes rather inventive with ways to address your mother. All in good humour, of course. (Or not.) Either way, you aren’t allowed to say a word about hers. This is classic I-am-the-boss behaviour and, face it, by this point you’ve lost half the battle. Hate to break it to you, but most of your friends are already calling you PWP (Pussy Whipped Patel) behind your back.

But the war isn’t lost yet, and being vigilant is key. Next up in the road to wifedom is what I call The Death of Sex. Sexual activity, as you have known it, is about to change forever. The first to go is oral sex – blowjobs are now officially off the menu. Ask any of your married friends about the last time he got head and I can guarantee it was shortly before he bought an engagement ring. There was a time when you didn’t have to ask, you just had to exchange a look. Now, nothing short of a bribe will work. It’s not a complete shut-out of course; we do pony up on birthdays. But our efforts are half-hearted at best. The pained expression on our face that says “aren’t you done already?” and our irritation over loose pubes will make you wish you’d asked for a tie instead.

Addendum: All sexual activity – or whatever’s left of it – is relegated to darkness. That kinky stuff with lights and mirrors? It’s over. This one isn’t your fault; it’s simply because we have, by this point, managed to get in touch with our inner woman. And decided to stop shaving. We’ve realized that caring less about physical appearance is not only liberating but also a great time- management tool (women spend, on average, 5 to 9 hours per week on basic grooming rituals, depending on genetic inheritance). When I took the executive decision to stop shaving my arm hair, my man was shocked to know that I actually had arm hair. Today, he is aware that I have hair in far more exotic areas that, clearly, his biology class left off the map.

And finally, it’s time to wave that white flag when, in some rare and extreme situations of wifeyness, she farts, announces she is off to take a crap and afterwards doesn’t bother to light matches or candles, clean the whole bathroom or take a shower to disguise the stench. In fact, she’ll be quite happy to leave a skid mark just to show you she was there.

By this time, when territories have been marked and claims have been laid, it is best to acknowledge that you are not quite the James Bond you had imagined yourself to be, and settle into the long, tedious life of a married man.

PS: For any assistance, you can contact my husband at trappedman@sendhelp.com

Radhika Vaz is a comedian. Her show Older. Angrier. Hairier. is currently on tour in India. For more info visit radvaz.com