[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is getting ready to go to Joey’s premiere and Phoebe is still on hold.]

Monica : (to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear this. (hands her a sweater)

Phoebe : Thanks!

Monica : Uh-huh.

Phoebe : Okay. (on phone) Ooh, I’m setting the phone down. (does so) But I’m still here! Just don’t go anywhere I’m still here. (starts to put on the sweater) Don’t-don’t switch or anything, ‘cause I’m, I’m right here. (She has pulled the sweater over her head, but her head is stuck in a sleeve.) Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She is now frantically trying to get the sweater on, as Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One second! Just…

Monica : Phoebe?

Phoebe : What?! Monica, I’m scared!!

Monica : All right. Honey, that’s-that’s a sleeve. Okay?

Phoebe : Yeah.

Monica : And! We also have speaker phone. (She turns on the speaker phone.)

Hold Voice : Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us.

Monica : Okay, wait, you gotta hang up ‘cause we’re gonna be late.

(Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but…)

Hold Voice : Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.

Phoebe : Yes!! Yes!! I’m the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.

Chandler : (entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?

Monica : Of course not.

Phoebe : No.

Chandler : Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.

[Scene: Joey’s Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]

Ross : Hey, hey Rach!

Rachel : Oh, hi!

Ross : Hi!

Rachel : How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the dates and pats him on the shoulder.)

Ross : Good.

Rachel : Hey.

Ross : So it’s looks like we’re the first ones here.

Rachel : Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!!

Ross : Yay!!

(An awkward silence follows.)

Rachel : Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.

Tommy : Hey.

Ross : Hey. Oh, I’m sorry, this is Cailin.

(They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-cRossing they’re arms to shake each other’s hand, and Ross says…)

Ross : Okay. (sees two people sitting in their seats.) Uh, huh. Excuse me, I’m sorry, I-I think you may be in our seats.

Man : Umm, no, I don’t think so.

Tommy : Can-can we take a look at your ticket?

Man : Sure. (Hands him the ticket.)

Ross : (looking at ticket) Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh…

Man : Oh, well I thought that ah…

Tommy : Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn’t really work out too well for you did it you idiot!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says D-13! Okay?! Look you’re surrounded by even numbers!! Did that give you some clue?!

Man : Uh, the usher told us to come…

Tommy : Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! (They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back his ticket.) (to Ross, calmly) Hey man, you want the aisle?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is still on hold.]

Monica : Hey!

Rachel : Hey!

Phoebe : Oh, is the play over?

Monica : Yeah. Where were you?

Hold Voice : Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.

Monica : You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy.

Phoebe : Nah. I kept myself busy.

(Both Rachel and Monica walk into their bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living room with confused looks on their faces.)

Phoebe : Oh, okay, yeah. (to Monica) I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room.

(They both look at each other, nod their heads ‘All right’ and follow their stuff into their new rooms.)

[Scene: The Theatre, after the party. Joey is trying to comfort Kate.]

Joey : Hey! Are you okay?

Kate : Fabulous.

Joey : Listen, drama critics they’re nothing but, but people who couldn’t make it as actors. You know what you should do?

Kate : Become a drama critic!

The Director : (entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to Joey and Kate) A plague on both your houses! (walks away)

Kate : By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.

Joey : Oh, classy.

Kate : Yep! I sure know how to pick ‘em, huh? Y’know I gave up a part on a soap for this!

Joey : Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too.

Kate : Really. What?

Joey : Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We’ll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.

Kate : Why the Post?

Joey : Oh, you didn’t see the Post?

Kate : No. You?

Joey : No. Why?

[Scene: Kate’s Apartment, Joey and Kate are returning from a night out on the town.]

Kate : (drunk) So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me?

Joey : Oh, absolutely! You’re talented and you’re good looking.

Kate : Oh, you’re sweet and cute.

Joey : I know! That’s why they trashed me!

(They kiss.)

Joey : Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Kate : What?

Joey : I, I don’t get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again.

Kate : What? So you never went out with an actress before?

Joey : Kate, do you even like me?

Kate : Of course I do.

Joey : Well so, how come you blew me off? Y’know? How come you were with him?

Kate : I don’t know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy… Why can’t I just pick someone like you?

Joey : Thanks.

Kate : You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you’re just so, you’re so, so… (She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.)

Joey : (Checks to see if she’s drooling on his shirt.) Okay. Okay, okay, hey. (Lays her down and covers her with a blanket.) There we go, let’s get your feet up there. (Looks at her) Good night, Kate. Sweet dreams. (Picks up a garbage can) I’m gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the next morning, Phoebe is STILL on hold.]

Hold Voice : Please stay on the line. You’re call is very important to us.

Monica : (entering from her bedroom) Pheebs, you’ve been up for 24 hours! Go to sleep, honey. Th-this isn’t healthy.

Joey : Yeah! I stayed at Kate’s, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya?

Phoebe : I’m so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see you’re play. I swear you’re play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. You’re play is the next play is the next play I’m gonna see.

Monica : Anyway, how did it go with Kate?

Joey : Oh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected, y’know? Then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. Yeah? And we stayed up all night talking, and now we’re like totally crazy about each other!

Monica : Joey, you had the night!

Joey : What?

Monica : When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!

Joey : You-you think?

Monica : Did you like learn about her family?

Joey : Two brothers, one died!

Monica : Yes!!

Joey : Yeah?!

Monica : Oh! (They hug, triumphantly.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the chair.]

Gunther : (bringing Chandler a cup) This is from the woman at the bar.

Chandler : Oh-ho-ho-ho.

(He turns and looks at her. The woman whispers something to Gunther; who comes back and takes the mug away from Chandler.)

Gunther : Sorry. She thought you were somebody else.

Rachel : What time is it?

Monica : One.

Ross : One.

Chandler : 7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch doesn’t work.

Rachel : Tommy’s supposed to be here soon, we’re going to lunch.

Ross : Look. Look, I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but… All right, I don’t think you should be seeing Tommy anymore.

Rachel : You don’t?!

Ross : No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from him.

[Scene: Backstage at Joey’s play, Joey is changing for the next scene as Kate arrives, carrying her bags.]

Kate : Joey!

Joey : Hey!

Kate : I’m soo glad I caught you, I couldn’t find you before.

Joey : Wh-wh-what’s going on? Wh-what’s this about L.A.?

Kate : They still want me for General Hospital.

Joey : But, but wh-what about us?

Kate : Last night was wonderful. But I-I can’t stay here just for you.

Joey : Well, so, stay for the museums!

Kate : I’m sorry.

Stage Manager : Joey, onstage!

Joey : Well can you at least stay to the end of the play? I mean, I’ll go to the airport with ya, I-I wanna say good bye.

Lauren : (yelling from onstage) Where are you Vic?

Kate : Flight’s in an hour. I-I gotta go.

Lauren : Vic! Vic! Vic!!!

Joey : (to Lauren) In a minute!!

[cut to the end of the play]

Lauren : So this is it? Victor?

Joey : Yeah, I guess it is. (sees Kate is watching, he turns Lauren so that he can talk directly to Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick ‘cause this is killing me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, you’ve got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship, (smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, coloured lights on the side of it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. But I won’t have aged at all. (gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, I’m gonna want to meet her.

(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7, and Kate waves good bye.)

Lauren : So long, Vic! (waving good bye as the ladder retracts)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the gang, except Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you y’know.]

Monica : Phoebe, it’s been two days.

Phoebe : Yeah, I know. Oh, good thing it’s one of those 801 numbers. Right?

Ross : Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah.

Phoebe : No, no, no, oh no-no-no, it’s has to be 800. (picks up the instruction manual to check the phone number) ‘Cause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every one. (Finds the number) Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.

Rachel : Phoe-be!!

Phoebe : Sorry, I’m so sorry, I will pay you back.

Chandler : And yet, she’s still not hanging up the phone.

All : Hang it up! Hang up the phone!!

Phoebe : Fine! Fine! (slams the phone down, breaking it) Oh-oh!

Monica : What?

Phoebe : Well, I think I broke it. But that’s all right, here’s the number you can call.