Okay this is not really a post I want to write. But it’s a horrible truth that I feel has to come out because it’s been eating away inside of me for the past two days and ruining my quality time with my children and my ability to work properly.

If my routine changes I’m beginning to realize I get really anxious. I’m also anxious about things like possessions, I get worried that my MacBook will get stolen for example. It’s a rational, and when I had the screen replacement done the other day I had this irrational fear it was not coming back.

I went out on a date last night and I got panicky about where it would ever go. The guy was lovely and got a really fine and I really want to see me again, but my head has flooded with all sorts of stuff that really shouldn’t be in there at this stage.

All that anxiety has eventually got the better of me and I had to just crawl into bed as soon as the kids went to bed. I’m writing this on my MacBook under the covers. I really am genuinely hiding away from the rest of my life at the moment. The nice guy I met this text me asking if I want to meet again, but I’m playing it cold and haven’t replied.

It’s not really as I really do want to meet up with him again, but I just feel so anxious and brittle at the moment but I’m not sure what to do. I think part of the problem is body anxiety, I’m actually seriously considering going on a juice diet for a few days in order to minimize my wobbly bits.

Perhaps it’s all going back to that anxiety about meeting someone new, and trying to fit them into my life?

So as you can see, it’s not been a great day for me and I’m hoping that tomorrow will be a better one. I think I’m going to write here, in order to make myself do it.

1. I’m going to get up tomorrow in a better mood.

2. I’m going to text the guy back and arranged to go out with him on a date this weekend.

I think it’s got to the point in my life I feel that I deserve some real, true and long-lasting happiness in my life. I’m not talking about fleeting ecstatic happiness, I’m talking about some long-term, sustained positive fulfillment about me, my family and my relationships.

The guy at work is asked me out on a date and I’m feeling really positive about it. I have absolutely no idea where I would fit a new man into my life, but I suppose it’s the same with anything else, if you really want something then you will sacrifice the smaller things, the less important things in order to fit the better things in. Well I hope that is the case anyway.

Today my friend called round as well. She was ecstatic to hear about me going on the date and was very pleased that I’m moving on with my life as she knows the trouble I had with getting rid of the last guy.

But she has issues bless her. We talked about ages and she cried a bit. I think she really needs to get some proper psychological support to talk through the issues she has. I’m not going to go into them here, it’s not because you know her, but I don’t feel it’s my place to discuss other people’s problems when this is all about my own.

In other news, the MacBook is back. The retina screen replacement has been done and everything is as it was. It’s pathetic that I’m so attached to this piece of digital trash, but it is now an outlet and tapping away on my phone is not satisfied.

My life is insanely confusing at the moment and I’m struggling to make sense of it, but in my heart and soul, if you believe in all that sort of stuff, I do believe that my family and friends are going to be there for me every step of the way. And I am now harboring a slight hope that my new man, if he turns out to be my new man, will be the person of always wanted in my life.

But don’t worry, even though I do attach myself to material goods such as my MacBook, I am going to be very wary about attaching myself to a new man. All my defenses are up, and I will not be giving myself away lightly.

This is the first time I’ve spoken about this, or rather written about this to anyone. But basically I’ve spent quite a lot of time in a toxic relationship. I split up with the father of my children a few years ago and last year met another guy. He started out being really lovely, but over time became pretty horrible and toxic to be with.

I felt he became menacing and intimidating and turned me into a nervous wreck. I lost weight, I gained weight and I spent my life in terror. He never actually did anything physically, but I suspect what he did would count as emotional abuse. Although I have to be fair here and also say that I am quite brittle as a person and what I see is abuse other people would actually see as just the normal ups and downs of being with somebody.

So this year started out being quite tough for me. I also lost my Nan a few months ago and that hit me hard. It made me think about my mum, and how old she is getting, and I’m waiting for the day when that tragedy knocks me flying. Anyway, it made me realize I have to change things now, rather than letting them drag on, so I ditched the man. It was tough in the beginning, but in a few weeks I felt a lot better about it.

I am not slandering him, I am thankful for what we had but I am thankful that I am not in that situation anymore.

Sometimes all it takes is a small trigger to change your life, and although as you seen from my previous blog post I am under a lot of pressure and stress in my daily life, I actually feel free being on my own now. Little things like buying a MacBook myself, or an iPhone, or updating my clothes, without having to answer to someone is really rewarding for me.

So you may be is a prize to know that I’m a little excited about meeting a new man. When I say meeting a new man, we are not actually dating, but there is this great new guy at work and he is showing a real interest in me. I’m feeling all those feelings that I haven’t had for quite a while and it’s making me feel really positive. I’m hoping he asked me out on a date, and I’m also feeling bit stupid the thinking like that as I’m a 21st-century woman who should feel in control of her life enough to ask him out should I want to.

Why do us girls demand equality but then expect to act within inequality when it suits us?

I been working in retail for a little more than a year now. In that time of come across all sorts of people who are customers and dealt with all sorts of strange situations.

I will admit I’ve made some errors and I’ve also on the other side of that coin made some customers very happy. At times I have lost my patience and at times I have been ecstatic. No two days are the same and in some ways it’s very reflective of life in general.

One of my pet hates is the way that some customers treat retail workers, and hospitality workers in general pretty much as inferior in terms of some sort of second-class citizen. The disdain and coldness at times is frightening. I can only think that these people were brought up by equally ignorant parents.

But a lot of people ignore those little details in life and just focus on themselves and the bigger picture all time. They don’t ever stop to think about those little things which can make or break somebody else’s day. Recently watched a young lad being completely attacked in McDonald’s because he had given a customer the wrong change. You would have thought he had held a knife to that person’s throat and threatened to kill them the way that he was being attacked. I think people take out their frustrations on people they know can’t retaliate.

That’s a pretty sick attitude to have to life and people around you, but it does seem to be pretty common. Perhaps it’s part of modern life?

In other news, I’ve sourced the company in Los Angeles who can deal with my MacBook Pro retina LCD screen replacement problem, that I talked about in this blog post. I’m really pleased because on top of all the anxiety that I’m suffering, having my pride and joy cracked has been really stressful.

I suppose it’s really odd that my MacBook is my pride and joy, but when you work so hard, you feel you have to have something to show for don’t you? Well, I do anyway. But I suspect I’m not in the minority on that, and that’s the reason why we live in a consumer driven society and why people are so prepared to be wage slaves and accept the exact things that I have detailed above in order to earn that money.

Today was not the greatest day I’ve ever had. I’m not saying it was horrendous or the worst there has been, but I’m going to go through in a bit of detail you can see what happened. I suppose I want to ask the question to people who are reading this: is this a typical day for most people?

If it’s not, then just maybe I need to have a look at how I can change the life I have around me, because at the moment I’m really struggling with it.

I was so exhausted I woke up late and didn’t really realize the time, by the time the kids were into me and distracting me, time drifted by more quickly than I thought and we ended up doing the school run late. This really put me in a bad mood and wasted the more time as I had to take the kids in through different doors at the school.

Then I rushed off to work and worked for 6 hours. Then I rushed back to pick the kids up from school then took them back home. I then had extra work to do, and I was rushing around trying to do that on my computer while trying to deal with the kids homework and meals, just too much going on.

I have a beautiful new MacBook and I use it to do extra work on. I was rushing around and dropped it, cracking the screen. So on top of everything else today, I’ve now been sitting here searching the local companies who can do a MacBook retina screen replacement quickly.

So an hour was spent looking for MacBook screen replacement services while also trying to do normal work, and deal with kids and everyone else. I managed to find one that that had a the screen parts in stock.

By the time I fell into bed at 11 o’clock I was absolutely exhausted. So my question to you, and myself is does this seem like a typical day? And do other people keep this up to 5 days a week, and then have to deal with kids full-time on the weekend as well? All while still trying to fit in a basically full-time job, plus extra work in between all that?

I suppose I’m just wondering if I’m the only person on earth you never actually has any down time to spend on themselves?

That title probably makes you think that I have a huge sense of personal entitlement in life. But that’s really not the case and I want to put that straight right at the start of this new blog that I have created.

When I say it’s all about me just for once, what I’m actually saying is that most of my life is taken up dealing with other people and there just isn’t much time left for me at the end of each day. I’m not being selfish here, but I am a parent of two young children which means I’m constantly having to deal with them, I work almost full-time around them, including into the evenings and I have family members who need help as well.

On top of that I have a friend who’s in trouble at the minute I’m spending all my spare time trying to help them as well.

So starting this blog is away from me to vent a little and get things off my chest a bit. And when I say it’s all about me just for once, I mean that I can sit here and just indulge in getting my thoughts out into the larger world just for my own benefit. Apologies if that means it sounds like I don’t want you to read this blog, or I don’t care if you do, but in a way it’s the truth.

If me writing this blog sounds a bit selfish, then oh well, but the truth is I am really writing it for me. I don’t really mind if anybody reads it and if somebody does, well I hope that they benefit from some of the things that I say, but I’m not making any promises on information I’m going to partake. But just maybe some of the tribulations I am going through can be explained here to help others.

At the end of another long day, I’ve written this and pasted it into the editor on my new blog account. It feels good to do something just myself, and I’m hoping I can blog every few days to keep you updated, and more importantly get things off my chest every few days so that I can move forward in my busy, hectic and stressful life with just a little less weighing down on my shoulders.