I hate the word soulmates..but I do think there are people who fit that description, its a sliding scale of compatability after that, and its possible for any number of people to get along amazingly well for any one person. The one person for everybody is a myth and fantasy, partially spread by religion and culture which makes for a lot of confused people all over the world. Monogamy is something we aspire to, but reality is usually quite different.

A long-term relationship is extremely rewarding but is hard work. As others have said, it involves a lot of compromise, and as people change over the years those compromises may also need to change. Another absolute must IMO is that you must be friends with your partner. There's no need to live in each other's pockets and do absolutely everything together (that would drive both me and my husband batshit insane), but there needs to be that connection and a true longing to do some things together and be comfortable with each other. If you can't laugh together, something is wrong.

My relationship with my husband sure as hell hasn't been all sunshine and unicorn farts. We were separated for 1 1/2 years, have tackled several demons, and still, after almost 18 years, have the occasional argument that must either frighten or amuse the neighbours (part of the joy of living in a semi-detached house with good acoustics). It's how we are. Our relationship isn't perfect, but perfection must never be the aim of a relationship, because that level of expectation will only lead to disappointment. It's about both of us being equally committed to make it work. We drive each other nuts sometimes, but I wouldn't be without him.

^ I was just thinking about this. People change and so do relationships. I know that at one time I considered my wife to be my "soul mate" and I couldn't have imagined being happy with anyone else. However not only has our relationship changed in the last few years, but both of us have changed in terms of personality and interests. I no longer feel as close to her as I once did.

I have no idea how things will work out in the future, but I am sure I would never regret being with her or have ill feelings.

Click to expand...

Everyone changes over time. The trick with a couple is for both people to change together "in sync". It doesn't mean you're doing everything in life together, but as you grow you find ways to keep an emotionally intimate connection but also continue forging your own identity. "You complete me" is doomed to failure. People need to have some freedom of independence in a relationship. Where I see relationships tending to fail is when one person is insecure enough to crave enmeshment above all else. "I don't want to live any minute of my life without you here with me." That's emotional smothering.

He got to her ahead of me. I was so bitter with fate for quite a long time after that...

Click to expand...

Hopefully instead of just being bitter with fate you actually learned something from this? You actually had the upper hand in this because you met her first! Strike while the kettle is hot!

Click to expand...

Oh yeah, you can believe that. Carpe diem! I repeated similar scenarios of not striking when the kettle was hot and so at this point I'm much more aware of the fleeting nature of it all. A passive stance is doomed to fail.

It took me a very long while, but I eventually learned that relationships are like being an actor going for an audition. You can guarantee that you will get rejected most of the time but you need to not see it as being inadequate but simply not a match. I used to treat rejection as being the loser, which was a vicious circle towards lowering my self-esteem. The healthy mindset is recognizing that the other person doesn't even know you yet. Rejection is often over superficial things that you have no control over. And, you wouldn't want to be with that person anyway if they can't see beyond them.

As an aside, here's the Facebook status I just posted as Husband and I were watching ST VI:

"As further proof [Husband] and I were made for each other, we're watching the scene where Kirk swims in the lower part of the ship to manually open the doors so the whales can escape, and while I say "Wow, that's some serious wig glue", [Husband] simultaneously says "Ah, the miracles of 23rd century wig technology". When two become one and all that."

It should be (and usually is) "Is there someone out there who I am right for?"

Click to expand...

Someone else also said this earlier in the thread, and I agree with both of you. I'm insecure in a lot of ways but when it comes to relationships, I know what I can bring to one and what my strengths (and weaknesses) are. Everything's a bit too raw for me right now but I'm hoping that with some time, I can look back and see what I brought to my marriage and what I can do to improve so that I'm a better partner whenever that happens the next time around.

Bitching about everyone else being coupled off or how "Valentine's SUCKS!" is infinitely more irritating, self-absorbed, and short-sighted than *ANY* couple boasting of their coupledom will ever be.

I get being single and lonely is tough on a day like this, but its only as tough as you let it be.

Click to expand...

To be fair, people haven't been bitching too much around here. Which I think is pretty awesome. Maybe it's because I'm enjoying being freshly single, but I don't think it's that tough to be single on a day like today. Maybe if I was in high school that kind of thing would suck more, but otherwise, it's just a day that you can choose to participate in or not.

I totally high-fived with my bank teller today over being single. We were both in great moods. Sometimes things are only as bad as you make them.

The funny thing was for years nothing made me roll my eyes more than when people said "and you know it is when you aren't looking for it that it happens the most". Then one day this girl e-mailed me out of the blue asking about something I posted on a psychology newsgroup. 14 years later here we are.

I've been much more of a lurker here for awhile now so I don't think I mentioned it before. 2012 was quite a year for me. Believe it or not I am not at all suicidal and don't even consider myself a "depressed person" anymore. Hmmm maybe I just don't have anything else to talk about. Thanks always Kestra.