Revenge Premiere Recap: Mom's the Word

In three months’ time, at least one of Revenge‘s Amandas will be a goner.

I’m referring, of course, to the Amanda – Jack’s boat – which we saw wrecked on the ocean floor off Block Island, RI, in the first moments of this week’s episode. As for the other two women bearing that name, Emily-I-used-to-be-Amanda and Amanda-I-used-to-be-Emily-by-the-way-this-belly-is-outta-control, who knows? Because just like the shooting and flashback that kicked off last season, we got little more than a glimpse of the blown-up ship before the action rewound to the previous May.

It’s possible that someone else bought the vessel and rode it to its untimely end, but the framed photo of the Porter men and the mariner’s compass (exactly like the one Emily gave Jack last season) among the detritus make me think that the severed arm floating around the wreck belongs to someone we know.

But there’ll be plenty of time for speculation about the dead sailor later. Now, let’s focus on what happened in the Season 2 premiere, “Destiny.”

REVENGE REDUX| We reconnect with Emily as she’s tied to a post underwater, nearly drowning “unlocking memories” about her mom. On the shore nearby, NuTakeda tells a youngish guy that her fear is what’s keeping her down there. I’d put my money on the ropes around her wrists, but whatevs. Under the sea, Emily remembers that her mother was a patient in a hospital and that Em had been taken to see her there. The youngish guy (look, even though he hasn’t been officially introduced yet, we all know his name is Aiden, so I’m going to call him Aiden. Cool?) earns her ire by cutting her loose, even though it saved her life. She tells both men that her mother is alive, and “God help the people who kept me from her – and that includes you.” (Side note: Why is Emily wearing a track jacket? I assume the tie-up was some kind of test that she knew about beforehand. Was she like, “Oh, lemme just pull something longsleeved in case the water’s cold?” I do love how she tore it off before beating up Aiden, though — as if it weren’t bad enough that the dude was being bested by a teeny blonde, he was going to get two tickets to her gun show, too.) Much later, NuTakeda gives Aiden his reluctant blessing to go after Emily and help guide her back to her true path.

NO SURPRISE AT ALL| For the upcoming bit, I shall relay to you my notes, verbatim: “Nolan! Boxing! Shirtless! Haircut!” Annnnnd, scene. I think you feel me, people. You could watch a Blu-Ray on those high-definition abs. Moving on! Emily finds her bud getting all buff and brings him back to her place in the Hamptons. (Another side note: I think my apartment has gotten dustier in the time it’s taken me to write this recap than her entire house got after months of being uninhabited.) She tells him her mom’s Indiana hospital was shut down shortly after her dad was arrested, so naturally the pair go check it out. Their findings: Em remembers that her mom was lashed to a bed in the psych ward and finds an infinity sign scratched (?) into one of the leather restraints; Nolan discovers that David Clark visited his wife just before he was arrested and a “Charlotte Clark” – Victoria, signing in as Em’s invalid aunt – also stopped by. Back at her Revengemporium, Emily watches the video of Conrad, Victoria and the White-Haired Man that Nolan brought her in the season finale . “Oy, again with this?” he says, doing a pitch-perfect impression of my mother-in-law. We see more of the footage, including Victoria claims that David had “his reasons” for making everyone think his wife was dead and that he’d visited her to ask for a divorce. Hmm… Looks like it’s time for Emily to get back into the Graysons’ good graces. “Good luck with that, after you broke poor Spaniel’s heart,” Nolan says. Oh you rich, lanky nerd, how I’ve missed you!

THERE SHE IS| Charlotte’s spent 60 days at rehab, where she seems to have lost her bad attitude and her penchant for pills. She’s let out – accompanied by her doctor – to attend the art auction her mother always used to host. The Graysons are in fine form: Daniel’s drunk and brooding, Conrad’s not-so-subtly trying to get his kids to turn all of their inheritance back into Grayson Global, and Not Fit to Carry Victoria’s Pashmina (I’m sorry, you know her as Ashley) is swanning around with a sycophantic lackey in tow. A very disturbing interaction occurs between the Grayson men after Conrad compares Ashley to Emily, who’s just arrived in a hot red number:

DANIEL: At least Ashley’s smart enough not to cheat on me.
CONRAD: Is she, now?

No. NO. Ew. No. If even half of the lechiness implied in Henry Czerny’s reading of that line comes to pass – who am I kidding, it’s probably already happening — just… no. Thankfully, Nolan has a quip to take my mind off the disturbing visual. As he and Emily pass a memorial photo of Victoria, he says, “You think she’s somewhere looking up at us?” Ha! During the event, Charlotte gets up to speak her mind about who her mother really was. I like this new Char-char! Go on with your fully realized self, girl! When her doc gets a call that she’s failed a blood test and has to go back to the clinic, she gets even feistier: She accuses Conrad of framing her to keep her out of the picture and killing Victoria, then whispers something in Emily’s ear before she’s carted off. A split second later, Emily’s at a cabin in the woods. Who opens the door? One very much alive Victoria. “What in the hell are you doing here?” she demands.

DEATH BECOMES HER | Charlotte sent Emily – turns out, she and her mom have been communicating via secret cell phone for months. Conrad blew up the plane and is trying to get Charlotte’s inheritance, Victoria tells her nemesis, and now the government is keeping her in hiding while it builds a case against him. Emily later returns, seemingly to give Vicky some dirt on Charlotte’s doctor but really to leave Nolan’s “clam cam” there so they can spy. “I’m sure that your government friends will have him arrested and Charlotte will be free in no time,” Em says sweetly, and her hunch that Victoria’s not working with the feds is verified not long after. Back in the Hamptons, Em and her pajama-clad kinda-roommate Nolan watch the White-Haired Man visit Victoria at the cabin which, by the way, looks like it was decorated by Beauty and the Beast‘s Gaston. Victoria tells Snowy to “eliminate the liability,” and Nolan notes that they’re going to take Emily down the way that they did her parents. “Good,” she replies. “Let them.” Badass!

PORTER PROBLEMS | It’s not a great time to be Jack. He’s drinking too much, sleeping on the Amanda (but not on Amanda), the health department shut down the bar and Emily implies that the baby’s not his. I’m pretty sure that his best moment in the entire episode was when a too-excited Nolan hugged him and then kinda kissed him on the neck. (At least, that was the best moment in the episode for me.) And he doesn’t even know the half of it: When Emily visits Amanda and suggests that Jack is in love with an illusion, the soon-to-be-mom retorts with a threat. “Don’t forget, if he learns the truth about me, everyone learns the truth about you.” On the upside, the little kid has one heck of a goal-oriented godmother!

Now it’s your turn. What did you think of the episode? Did you for one, logic-free moment when you heard a man’s voice on the clam-cam footage think private investigator Frank had somehow beat death and was shacking up with Victoria in the woods? (Just me? OK.) What do you think’s really happening regarding Amanda and Takeda? And do you agree that there is likely something unholy going on between Conrad and Ashley? Hit the comments and sound off!