How to Write a Porn Review

Okay you want to know how to write a porn review? There are several reasons why this might interest you, perhaps you found a website that is willing to pay quality reviewers, maybe you just found a website that will ship you free porn if you're willing to write a report on it and maybe you're just curious. Whatever the case is I've got a pretty good formula for mine that while they may not be the worlds greatest they are several notches above the average reviewer in my opinion.

I always start a review by telling you what I'm expecting from a movie, this is based on the cast, the company the stars and whatever they put on the cover. Its important that you know where my head was going in because of course it effects the review, but also because you might have some of the same thoughts racing through your head. I mean if the title says something like "Deep in Black Ass" you head in expecting anal. If your favorite porn star is featured on the cover you expect her to be in the movie. There are companies you've heard of and that you're comfortably with. For me I have pretty much blind faith in Platinum X, Red Light District and New Sensations. There are companies that I've usually had bad experiences with like Pink Visual or Devil's Films so of course company is taken into account and then content. I'm not a big fan of lesbians, I still review my fair share when it comes my way but lesbians bore me for the most part. On the other hand even a plain looking girl who is willing to go ass to mouth gets me rock hard in an instant. So start by telling your reader what it was you expected to get before you've seen anything.

Every industry has its own language and unless you want to look silly writing your review (or worse confuse people) you need to have a decent understanding of the language of porn. I'm going to list a few of the abc's of porn here, this is by no means a comprehensive list, some things are going to be left off because if you don't already know what doggy style is there is no point in trying to explain to you what a ATOGM is and since some of these things are legends I'm not going to bother explaining a donkey punch to anybody who doesn't already know. So here are a few things you might be unfamiliar with or at least might not have terms for.

PTM/P2M: Any time something, usually a dick, goes straight from a girl's pussy to her mouth without being wiped clean in between.

ATM/A2M: See above only with anal.

ATOGM: Ass to other girl's mouth

DP: Double penetration

DA: Double Anal

DV: Double Vag

DVDA: Combine the above, I'm convinced this is just a legend that old pornstars tell young pornstars so they'll eat their vegetables or something like that.

Cowgirl and Reverse Cowgirl: The woman is on top of the man facing him, if she's facing away so he can watch her delicious bubble butt bouncing that's a reverse cowgirl.

Facial: Good ole goo splatter of course on the face.

Creampie: When a man cums inside of a woman. It's a waste of perfectly good man sauce if there nobody eats the cream pie.

MMF: Male, male female

FFM: Female, female, Male

IR: Interracial. I don't intend to go into a tirade because I think it is unnecessary. However in the porn industry interracial means sex with an African American. Asian girls and white men, not IR. Latino women and white men, not IR. Black man and black woman. . .sometimes IR. It's that stupid.

I think that about covers the major lingo that you need to know in order just to communicate with your fellow purveyors of filth, which leads me to the next part of the review, the cast and play by play part of the review. Some people like to write this as one big portion glossing over the stars and the scenes and basically giving a thumbs up or thumbs down on the section. I personally like to go into a little more detail, a short paragraph for each girl. There is a reason for this, not everybody is as porn savvy as I am. There are men who could walk into a room and not know Sasha Grey from Jada Fire and so you need to give them a brief description of the girl, especially if she's a new girl they might not have seen yet. Unless her outfit is simply incredible I'm not sure I would really bother talking about it and the same goes for the set. This is porn, we see couches and beds all the time, now if a bunch of girls are getting it on in a shower you might want to mention that. Here is the next thing you need to know. This is not the NFL and you are not John Madden. Do not go into a detailed play by play of everything and every position. Give more of a highlights real. Jada Fire looks incredible in the anal reverse cowgirl and just to prove she's every bit the whore you want her to be she takes makes several withdrawals at her local A2M before devouring her own anal cream pie! Is usually more than enough. You want the reader to have a decent idea of the action, not start stroking himself to you description.

Extras is where I throw in not only the extra features but anything that wasn't directly part of the film that caught my attention. This will often include photo galleries (like I really want to watch pictures, on my DVD of girls frozen in time when I've got them moaning on the same DVD.) cum shot recaps and trailers for other movies that they want you to buy. This is also where I would mention little gripes, like too few chapter breaks (I'm looking at you Gangland series.) or poor identification (This ones for you Private) of the ladies. If I happened to really enjoy the cover art (Brazzer's Big Butts like it Big 2) or if I completely hated the opening credits.

I think it's important to finish with a heading out section. I use this space to explain how my opinion of the film has changed since I started watching it. Maybe it was like Red Light District's Be My Bitch series where I learned that lesbians don't have to be boring. Maybe it was like Shane Diesels adventures where I was expecting average porn and got crap with boat sounds in the background. Its also important because it helps put things into perspective for the reader. I know I don't like lesbians, so an average lesbian movie might get a below average score from me and the reader should know that and factor it in. Another example is a recent video called Apprentass 10. It wasn't labeled as a jump to compilation. So I felt lied to, there were still some good scenes but what I expected and what happened were so far different that it lowered my opinion. So I suggest you consider a similar section.

Above all you have to be comfortable with your writing. It should flow relatively easily, if it doesn't you may want to consider more practice. Of course there is no shortage of things to review in the world. I hope this has been helpful in learning how to write porn reviews!