It Doesn't Feel Right

I was 12 when my mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer and secondary liver cancer, it was Friday 18th December 2009. It destroyed out Christmas. It destroyed our new year. It destroyed our everything. She started her chemo in January and it was starting to make her sick, so they put her on a new course which reduced the cancer cells by 60% in the bowel and 40% in the liver. They then recommended a new course all together which will blitz the cancer completely. But they said you'll need to wait till after summer to receive it. It was my 13th birthday, my brothers 21st birthday and my mum and dads wedding 25th wedding anniversary during that summer. It was a big year. We had planned going to Florida, but that was destroyed because my mum was getting really sick over the summer and was unable to fly. The doctors told her she didn't have long to live. My mum choose not to tell me this because I was 13 and it would destroy me. It was a Sunday. Sunday the 29th August, 2010. I woke up and went downstairs to watch a movie called Minute men. This movie was about people who could travel forward in time exactly 3 minutes and change what was going to happen. This was ironic because if I had this device, I would of found out my mummy was lying upstairs. My dad came home from golf, and he went upstairs. About half a minute later an ambulance pulled up outside and my dad shouted to send them upstairs. I did as I was told and I heard one of them say to my dad that he can't stay here while they are doing their job so he headed downstairs. I was at the bottom looking up. It was the second most horrible sight I've ever seen. My dad crying. It actually pained me. About a moment later the paramedics came into the living room saying the words that changed my life. 'We couldn't get her.' I still had no idea what was going on and I had to have my dad explain to me. I was actually destroyed. And there is never a day that passes when I don't think about my mummy. I'm 15 now, and I still call her mummy because I lost her when I was a little innocent girl who hadn't found her place in the world yet. It's been the hardest 875 days if my life. I count every day. I cherish every memory. I miss my mummy so much I feel that no body understands me. :(
It just doesn't feel right.

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Some people understand. I was also young, 14, when I lost my mum. I'm now 28 and I've come a long way in my life without her. I'm grateful to her for that and want to do what would make her proud. One day I wrote a note on my phone saying 'thank you mum, you gave me everything I'd ever need'. I consider myself lucky to have had the mum I had for the time I had her. Some people don't have what I had. Your mum wouldn't want you to forget her but she wouldn't want you to be unhappy either. Do everything you can to be happy as she would want you to be. That will involve letting people off who don't understand because they can't. Don't keep too much to yourself either. She will never be truly gone. She is in you. I understand that might not feel helpful right now but you can connect with her in spirit (you don't have to be religious) and find the love she would want you to feel to drive you forward. You can love yourself as she would. For me it can be as if my mum is right by my side. Let me tell you a story... last year I was heartbroken by a girl, my life was a mess and I found it too hard to focus on my university work. I had to stop studying and didn't know if I would be able to find the money to start again but it was massively important to me to be able to. However, I was left some money by a relative who died (my mum's aunt) who was going to give all of her money to her husband's family before her sister had the presence of mind, at the age of 92, to say 'what about your own family?' (the relative who died had alzheimer's and didn't really know what she was doing as I understand it). When I got the news of how much I was being left, I knew immediately that I would be able to start studying again. I got this news on my sister's 16th birthday. My mum was told that she wouldn't be able to have any more children because of her illness, which devastated her, but (before her illness came back) she did, against what the doctors said! What's more, after 3 boys, she really wanted a girl, and it was a girl! I consider my sister a miracle and, like I said, it was on her 16th birthday that I got that very special news! I feel as if my mum played a part in the whole thing. It doesn't matter to me that that might be silly of me to think - the fact is it happened and felt more special than I can describe. When anything like that happens in your life, you can take a moment to feel something that you can't really put into words and carry that forward with you. It doesn't even have to be real, you can't know that it is. The point is what you feel and that feeling is for you. Don't ever think it's all hopeless - you will know things about what's really important in life that others don't and have things to offer that others won't. My thoughts are with you, lots of love :)

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your mother at such a young age. I am 40 and I have been blessed with a mum all these years and she passed away on 13 January 2013. I am her only daughter. I was devastated, heartbroken, still sad now. But when I read your story it made me realize and I thought to myself - "stop being selfish! You had half a lifetime with your mother and this young girl only had 15!" I understand how you feel but I can't imagine how I would have felt if I had lost my mother at the age that you are. So sorry for your pain. I hope you find a way to heal. Nobody can replace our mother but I hope you might find another woman you can get close too, maybe an auntie or someone. I wish you all the best and healing to you.

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