Pages

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

A handy guide for making sure you never make the guest list of any social event. Ever. Again.

1) Don’t RSVP until they send you a second mail a few hours before the event. This will make them want you all the more obviously.

2) Show up with a large posse and demand to all be sat together. Introduce them as if you were reading their Facebook bio: ‘This is the gorgeous Rick, ex-model, turned professional lounger. He parties and drinks so hard that he barely gets a chance to piss standing up.’

3) Complain. The free drinks are too warm, the canapés are too cold. You don’t know where the bathroom is and have no idea why no-one has taken your photo. In fact, you haven’t even been introduced to the hosts yet, how rude.

4) You’re the most interesting person there so make sure everyone knows it. Got a blog? Great, tell everyone about it and how many hits a day you get. Explain slowly and in deadpan that you’re pretty much a god on Twitter and if you review something badly then people will follow you like brain-craving zombies.

5) If it’s black-tie, go in jeans and if it’s casual, bring out the satin elbow-length gloves. People will respect you for not going with the flow and will commend you for your savvy fashion sense.

6) Take pictures with your flash on during pivotal moments of the event. For instance, during the speeches and any moment in which a glaring flash of white would enhance the atmosphere.

7) The food and drinks are there to be consumed and it’s not your fault if people aren’t quick enough to take what they want.Always take some Tupperware in your bag in which you can take some food home with you.Never take alcohol home. Alcohol is there to be drunk immediately. Left-over alcohol is for sissies.

8) Tweet about the party. None. Stop. Tell everyone every intimate detail. Need to wee? Tweet about it. Got an allergic reaction to someone's perfume or think the host should have worn a shirt 3 sizes bigger? Tweet. People need to know this!

9) They always supply too many gift bags. Help the organizers out by taking extras home with you.

10) Write a scathing review on your blog/website/facebook page

A handy guide for making sure you never make the guest list of any social event. Ever. Again.

1) Don’t RSVP until they send you a second mail a few hours before the event. This will make them want you all the more obviously.

2) Show up with a large posse and demand to all be sat
together. Introduce them as if you were reading their Facebook bio:
‘This is the gorgeous Rick, ex-model, turned professional lounger. He
parties and drinks so hard that he barely gets a chance to piss standing
up.’

3) Complain. The free drinks are too warm, the canapés
are too cold. You don’t know where the bathroom is and have no idea why
no-one has taken your photo. In fact, you haven’t even been introduced
to the hosts yet, how rude.

4) You’re the most interesting person there so make
sure everyone knows it. Got a blog? Great, tell everyone about it and
how many hits a day you get. Explain slowly and in deadpan that you’re
pretty much a god on Twitter and if you review something badly then
people will follow you like brain-craving zombies.

5) If it’s black-tie, go in jeans and if it’s casual,
bring out the satin elbow-length gloves. People will respect you for not
going with the flow and will commend you for your savvy fashion sense.

6) Take pictures with your flash on during pivotal
moments of the event. For instance, during the speeches and any moment
in which a glaring flash of white would enhance the atmosphere.

7) The food and drinks are there to be consumed and it’s not your fault if people aren’t quick enough to take what they want.
Always take some Tupperware in your bag in which you can take some food home with you.
Never take alcohol home. Alcohol is there to be drunk immediately. Left-over alcohol is for sissies.

8) Tweet about the party. None. Stop. Tell everyone
every intimate detail. Need to wee? Tweet about it. Got an allergic
reaction to someone's perfume or think the host should have worn a shirt
3 sizes bigger? Tweet. People need to know this!

9) They always supply too many gift bags. Help the organizers out by taking extras home with you.

A handy guide for making sure you never make the guest list of any social event. Ever. Again.

1) Don’t RSVP until they send you a second mail a few hours before the event. This will make them want you all the more obviously.

2) Show up with a large posse and demand to all be sat
together. Introduce them as if you were reading their Facebook bio:
‘This is the gorgeous Rick, ex-model, turned professional lounger. He
parties and drinks so hard that he barely gets a chance to piss standing
up.’

3) Complain. The free drinks are too warm, the canapés
are too cold. You don’t know where the bathroom is and have no idea why
no-one has taken your photo. In fact, you haven’t even been introduced
to the hosts yet, how rude.

4) You’re the most interesting person there so make
sure everyone knows it. Got a blog? Great, tell everyone about it and
how many hits a day you get. Explain slowly and in deadpan that you’re
pretty much a god on Twitter and if you review something badly then
people will follow you like brain-craving zombies.

5) If it’s black-tie, go in jeans and if it’s casual,
bring out the satin elbow-length gloves. People will respect you for not
going with the flow and will commend you for your savvy fashion sense.

6) Take pictures with your flash on during pivotal
moments of the event. For instance, during the speeches and any moment
in which a glaring flash of white would enhance the atmosphere.

7) The food and drinks are there to be consumed and it’s not your fault if people aren’t quick enough to take what they want.
Always take some Tupperware in your bag in which you can take some food home with you.
Never take alcohol home. Alcohol is there to be drunk immediately. Left-over alcohol is for sissies.

8) Tweet about the party. None. Stop. Tell everyone
every intimate detail. Need to wee? Tweet about it. Got an allergic
reaction to someone's perfume or think the host should have worn a shirt
3 sizes bigger? Tweet. People need to know this!

9) They always supply too many gift bags. Help the organizers out by taking extras home with you.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

So I recently read an article entitled "The trouble with Maids" - a genius piece of writing that echoed a lot of my thoughts on this whole 'serf' system.
Here is a brief exert:

There can be no relationship in the world that is trickier to navigate
than that between a white South African and her black maid*. Without a
doubt it is our comeuppance for apartheid, and if for one second we’d
like to forget about those bad old days of segregated park benches,
Precious, with her Pick n Pay overalls, is there to remind us that the
past is not quite as far away as we’d like to pretend.

The entire article speaks of the awkwardness, the obligation and the obvious void between employer and employee. It got me thinking and that often results in a blog post, so here it is.

My thoughts on Maids/Domestic help/Char and please be aware, I am going to be as honest as I can. If you do get offended, there isn't much I can do about it:

1) I've never had a maid. Growing up in England, maids were reserved for the very rich and were usually painted as wearing black and white uniforms and carrying feather dusters (which has now become something of a raunchy Halloween outfit - imagine what SA domestics would think of that!).
We didn't need a maid. We didn't own a mansion, we didn't have a constant stream of guests over everyday that used up all the crockery AND, my mum is a woman, not a waif. Very capable of cleaning vomit from a baby-grow whilst feeding a toddler and calming down an exasperated teenager.
Moving to South Africa and learning that EVERYONE had got one, I assumed that a) everyone was rich and b) everyone was so freakin' busy with their parties and 20 children, that they needed all the help they could get. That wasn't the case.
It seems like it's a thing. A thing that makes me feel so awkward, that my tongue starts sticking to the roof of my mouth and I break out in a cold sweat.
My mum ended up getting someone to help, but she would then spend the day re-doing everything that the maid did....and usually in half the time. I would spend my day trying to avoid the maid because seeing her ironing my jeans made me wonder where my hands had gone.
So my first perception of people with maids was, in one word, laziness

Mr H once got a maid to come clean the house. I spent the entire day locked in the spare room because I didn't want her to see me and perceive me to be couch potato.

2) I understand the argument of "We're helping to give these people a job, a wage, something to survive on." Yes, what we give them does help them survive but survival is not the same as living.

3) Married stay-at-home mums with maids make my toes curl. Having a child, staying at home AND keeping the house tidy is not rocket science. My mum did it and she had a depressed, suicidal teenager and a younger child with severe learning disability.
Yes, this will enrage many and please, I would love to discuss it further with you and hear your reasoning - I know there are mum's who work from home and look after kids - extra help is needed.
The same goes for working mums but again, I'm still thinking of how my mum coped.....
But don't get me started on the stay-at-home wives with no kids and no work.

4) Saying all the above, and looking very anti-SA, I understand the need for an income and that this is an area of revenue for many black women, women who perhaps lack a formal education - this being a fault of the apartheid system and now, the government, who don't supply these women with a means to complete their education.
Imagine being able to offer classes to these woman so they can help realize that they wanted to become a Doctor or a Teacher - not that your position in life determines who you are OR how you should be treated!!

5) Help where you can. The thought pattern of many, If someone needs a job and this is all they can do, I'm not about to push them away.

6) I seem to have very mixed views about this and I seem to be judging people. Yikes. Let me hold up my hands and say that these are just my views, as an outsider, as a person from a different culture.

In closing, I won't ever have a *maid*. (Wow, that's pretty final) I'd be too paranoid that my things would be broken, or moved out of place (OCD) and I'd be too worried that, if I was there, that she would be judging me for not doing the work myself or worse, if we became close, I'd feel too bad about making her work for me. So confusing.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

I am pale of skin (weirdly enough because my father is coloured - read about that here). I am so pale in fact, I often go as a bed sheet to dress-up parties.
If I need to disappear briefly, I just throw some blank paper in the air and immerse myself in the down-fall.

This is my natural state, so when someone comments on this and says I look ill, tired, dejected or as though I have been living under a rock, I get a little puzzled.

It's like me turning to a black person and telling them to lay off the sunshine.

My main concern is that, as a 25 year old, I am very keen on keeping my skin as healthy looking as possible. I drink 2 + liters of water a day and I exercise regularly. I wear a high factor face cream and I don't wear a lot of make-up just so that my skin can breathe. All this, to preserve the 'paleness' of my existence.

So what do I do in a situation when my whiteness gets called into question, not much. Maybe write a blog post and apply some more factor 50....and then let the tears fall.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Masterchef Australia has started and everything is alright with the world. But how do they get it so right and why do I find that Masterchef South Africa is such a flop?

Here's my thoughts:1) The Judges.
Gary, George and Matt versus Benny, Pete and Andrew. There is really no contest.
Every time Andrew lifts a food-laden item of cutlery to his mouth, he has to stare with such perverted intensity at the contestant that I have to look away.
Pete Goffe-Wood is a legend but he looks bored with the other judges, as though he is babysitting them.
Benny, well, he mainly copies everything that the above says.

2) Robertson
Great, you've got a sponsor.
Not great when that sponsor is dried herbs and spices.
Are you honestly telling me that the best chefs in South Africa don't use fresh herbs?
We're almost pioneers in fresh, seasonal cooking and Robertson goes against that in every way.
What's more, the contestants got to go Ethiopia and, I quote, "there are so many amazing spices around", but wait, we'll be using Robertson's herbs and spices that we flew up here.

3) The number of contestants/episodes.
Masterchef Australia starts with a top 24 and plays almost every day of the week. You can't help but get addicted, even if the contestants cry an obscene amount.
Masterchef SA barely inspires me to press the record button.

4) The cooking.
Amateur could not be a more accurate description. And yet, when they try something "gastronomically scientific", it's just a bunch of fancy techniques with no real flavour appeal. There must be a balance.

5) The winner.
Do you even remember who won? It's honestly like they have just fallen off the face of the planet.
Don't even ask me about last year's winner - did they even achieve anything?. Fortunately for Kamani, she happens to be from Cape Town and we have a habit of standing by with elation, those who win anything. She will do well, I hope.
The sad/happy truth is that the guest chefs get more exposure and are more memorable than the contestants. So really the whole show dynamic should shift: The Real Masterchefs of SA.... set to air next year.....??

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

It's been a very long time since I had the inspiration to write anything on the blog. For the past few months, our home has been turned upside down with renovations and massive changes. But, there is a light at the end of the rubble.
We're almost finished. We have a fully functioning kitchen (no more doing dishes in the bathtub).
We still want to re-do the ceiling and get pantry doors but I'm happy at least.The only issue now, is that we're itching to start everywhere else. Next stop, the bathrooms.

Quick tips on revamping your home

1) Take inspiration from Pinterest but don't live by it. It's all very well thinking that subway tiles are the bomb but they are also not that cheap.
2) Don't re-do your house and have puppies at the same time. 9 dogs is just crazy and having a stir-crazy mama and her puppies in a corner of your bedroom for a month is madness.
3) Don't forget dust sheets. You can never have too many of them. We made the fatal error of not being prepared. Our mistake cost us a lot of washing time.
4) Remember that you love the person you are working with. Screwdrivers can make pretty dangerous weapons, try and play nice.
5) It's okay to live off takeaways for the first week. No one is gonna judge. Apart from your scale.
6) Go hunting. Don't just stick with the first shop, keep looking because you may find something of more value somewhere else.
7) Only do stuff yourself if you have the patience of a pregnant Elephant.

As a passing note, here are a few little things that Mr H uttered during the night which led to internal chuckles and near leakage.

During the contortionist:Mr H: Does she have ribs?Mr H: She's like cling film but stronger.Mr H: She's not even breaking a sweat!

During the Russian acrobatsMr H: It's a fact, the smaller the guy, the bigger the penis!Mr H: Is this supposed to be gay?My response: Well you did just comment on their junk.Mr H: Yeah, but it's just too obvious.

During the bath act (a hot chick messing around in a bath)Mr H: Imagine being married to that, I'd come home and be like, 'Move, I actually want to take a proper bath!'

And the final commentMr H: I don't know about you, but when I get home, I'm going to bench press something really heavy.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

I have had quite a few people ask me "Why the name?" and I held off answering for lack of courage. There were rumors going around that I might be an undercover Princess or even a spy in Her Majesty's Secret Service. However, as it was his birthday on the 7th July, it is time to come clean and spill the beans.

That is my brother Jhordan. A beautiful Mowgli-like boy who was killed in front of me in an accident when he was just 7 and I was 9. The shock of which has altered my life, undone me, cracked my heart and my soul and then re-shaped me again.
I went through my early years, and I still do it slightly now, thinking that the World owes me big time. I often don't see things in an empathic way, preferring to believe myself to be always right because 'I'm the kid who stared at death'. It's not a good mantra for life, it hurts others and it can isolate you. I put up walls (I still do) to protect myself and prefer to disown those who hurt me before they have a chance to up and leave me. I become lost in my own imaginary worlds and like to be private about how I feel.

When I looked at other blogs and their names, they are usually personal accounts of people's lives and I thought, what better name for the domain of my thoughts than that of the one person who has formed and molded me into what I am today. Yes, I am still adapting, still changing; it actually takes years to get over something like that - for all the bull people give you about time equals healing - yes, it hurts less, but you still would rather wish you didn't have that gaping void in your life. I doubt I'll ever be normal but then again, who would want that?

What I can say, is that I've never been bitter or carried resentment against God for it, mainly because it is not His will that anything like this should happen but also because why should I demand that another person's brother die and not mine? Why should I be any different to anyone else? I just continue to move forward - I am now sister to two other siblings who are 12 and 14 and were the healing balm for our family after Jhordan's death.
I am now fitting myself back onto the right path and believe that one day I will see him again, until then, I hope he is proud of me and where I'm going.

p.s, the reason for the H in Jhordan's name is purely a Stafford tradition from my Father's side - Dhenis, Shante, Jhordan, Rohan and Adehle - we're cool like that

Friday, 5 July 2013

1) Winter needs to get out of here now or someone needs to give me more money for clothes shopping.2)Tony Goldwyn who plays President Grant in The Fixer (Scandal for all none-SA people) is one of those actors who is simply hideous off screen but in that role....oooh baby.3) There is a mouse living in my shoes and he laughs at me when I put mouse poison down.4) I'm far too attached to all my puppies and I'm going to be a sobbing mess tomorrow when I have to say goodbye to 3 of them.5) I love Bastille and when I listen toPompei, I want to start marching....I don't know where though6) Birthdays are weird things. People celebrate the fact they where, once, way too close to their mother's private parts and that they are getting older and often, not much wiser.7) I often live by this motto: "If all else fails, take a nap."8) I love Lush, but when I go into the store I get accosted by sales people who make me want to take their fluffy wuffy strawberry soap that smells like angel farts and rub it in their eyes.9) Perhaps I have anger issues? Nothing that can't be solved by...10)Gluhwein cake... Cinnamon,chocolate and Altydgedacht Pinotage by The Velvet Cake Company.

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

It seems like weeks, 4 to be exact, that we said hello to 8 new beautiful puppies. They have grown so much and have their own personalities now with a near insatiable appetite to match.
We're still deciding on whether we want to keep 1 or 2....it's going to be a very busy house.

Meet the gang....

1) Flynn - A Black male who happens to be the shyest of the bunch.2) Stella (cream) - Named solely because of Cam from Modern Family and his fantastic Street Car Name Desire moment. Her new mummy wants to call her Bella3) Bonnie - My wee little lass who is the naughiest, toughest and most adventourous of the lot and will stay ours forever. She's a gorgeous caramel colour.4) Leonidas - A cream male who came out with a big set of lungs.5) Oliver - The biggest male and also cream. So named because of Mr H's love of the series Arrow.6) Tailor - Very pale cream, almost white, female. The smallest girly and ever so sweet. My Brother-in-law's band is called Tailor Hill so it's in honor of him7) Zeus - Mighty big at birth and a bit of a scallywag8) Hunter - Born pitch black but now he has adorable brown markings. He looks like he is wearing brown socks.

There you have the new clan...it's going to be heartbreaking to see some of them go.

Monday, 3 June 2013

Every so often, an invite falls into your inbox that makes your heart leap. You stop what you're doing to take a moment and collect yourself before phoning everyone in your address book and bellowing like a walrus. This was the invite:

Nederburg has chosen you, as one of a few lucky
people, to take part in an exciting cook-off at MasterChef South Africa judge
Pete Goffe-Wood’s Kitchen Cowboys studio in Woodstock, Cape Town! The
event will be hosted by Chef Pete and Nederburg's Winemaster, Razvan Macici,
the 2012 Diners Club Winemaker of the Year.

The day loomed cold and wet but we couldn't care less. Arriving at Kitchen Cowboys - Pete's domain - we were met with a glass of Nederburg bubbly (the very
same as was served at our wedding...awwwww). Everyone looked nervous and
as we took a look at the pantry and sussed out the wines and kitchen
space, I could feel the butterflies changing into full grown awkward
penguins in my stomach.

We were told that we would be split into teams of 4, assigned a bottle of wine from a draw and then given 75 minutes to prepare a dish that went perfectly with the wine. I eyed up the competition spotting a number of well-known food bloggers - it was daunting especially with Nederburg's cellarmaster Razvan present and judging.
Mr H and I drew the red ribbon.....Cabernet Sauvignon - the perfect choice for Winter and a wine that I happen to know how to pair. We hurried to our bench and met our other two team mates, Linda from The Squashed Tomato (she and I have been emailing each other for months but had never met face-to-face) and her friend Nici - it was match made in heaven and our perfect menu was:

Seared beef fillet

Potato Dauphinoise

Thyme-buttered caramelised carrots

Red wine jus

Easier said than done and I now have a new-found respect for all Masterchef contestants because 75 minutes is gone in seconds. Before we knew it, they were doing a 10 second countdown and we madly dashed to plate up.

The judges loved the dish- a classic pairing, creamy potatoes, a gorgeous jus and excellent cooking of the beef - Mr H is a legend. But the winning dish went to our neighbours who cooked a delicious curry with their Riesling. I'm pretty sure we came in second though, it was THAT good.

We left on full stomachs with Le Creuset and Nederburg goodies and with an acute desire to enter Masterchef SA for real. I can't wait to start watching the second season starting 11 June 2013.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

1) I have yet to find someone in Cape Town who can cut my hair the way I want it, a la England. Over here, I say I want layers and shortness at the back and they make it a bob. Is it because the hairdressers I have been to are coloured and my hair acts white? 2) I can hold my breath for 2 minutes which comes in handy when Mr H likes to revert back to caveman tendancies.3) "Ain't nobody got time for that", can be used at anytime when one feels overwhelmed, underwhelmed or just 'whelmed'.4) Everyone is getting pregnant. It would seem that most of my friends/acquaintances got together and decided to all do the 1,2,3, "we're preggers" game. Now I'm surrounded by bumps, hormones and hot flushes. Does it make me broody? As I take a swig of wine and look at my toes, no!5) Recently I developed this annoying habit of googling the plot for every movie I am about to watch. It's as though the act of enjoying character and story-line development is too much for me. I.Must.Know.Everything.Now!6) Having Puppies seriously ruins your sleep patterns. Currently, Mr H and I are operating on two hours sleep a night for 9 days now. To say I'm irritable and brain-dead would be an understatment. Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and see a darker shade of purple under my eyes.7) Having Puppies also brings out your slightly anal maternal side. I eye Mr H very carefully when he holds them and don't allow anyone to even breathe their way.8) I have a marriage more beautiful than my wedding.9) I am besotted with this jewelery range by Kallie.10) My new favorite breakfast is double cream Greek yogurt with some tropical magic. Take one of Mr H's passion fruits (he grows them so well), a teaspoon of vanilla and golden sugar then heat it up till it bubbles, pour over the yogurt and BAM, the best smelling (and tasting) breakfast ever.

Monday, 27 May 2013

I used to hate wine. Loathe it and file it under ‘for old,
snobbish people’. Smelling it stimulated my gag reflexes and tasting it, well, I’d
rather have vinegar any day.

Now I stand corrected and honestly can’t get enough of the
stuff.It took me two years and a lot of
wine farm visits to hone my taste-buds and alter my previous perceptions.

One of the reasons I enjoy it, perhaps the main reason, is
the relationship it has and can have with food. My love for cooking was sparked
around the same time as my desire for wine. The two, in my mind, go hand in
hand. I am now on a mission to convert all my friends and try and hold food and
wine pairing evenings as often as we can.

Mr. H and I want to take this further and are redesigning
our kitchen so that we hold more pairing evenings, as part of our Grape Teasers
brand….gosh, I hate the word brand…..club….gang?

Anyway, whilst we’re working on the kitchen design, we’re
also working on our pairing menus and so yesterday, we did some serious cooking
in the attempt to find some killer combos for future guests.

I still get wowed by Alexander McQueen's work. He was one designer who really understood the measure of a women and the way in which we ...

PLEASE NOTE: I will always try to credit ALL PHOTOS AND LINKs but IF THERE are ANY IMAGES HERE THAT ARE NOT CREDITED CORRECTLY OR YOU SIMPLY WISH THEM TO BE REMOVED, let me know and i will remove them asap.

Projects

Beatnik Brewers

Scumbagz

Serenity H Photography

wine.co.za

All elements of the written word are for Jhordan's Sister alone. Don't copy or take without asking. Theme images by GelatoPlus. Powered by Blogger.