My wife read Fifty Shades of Grey and decided she was a closeted submissive, keen to reenact the BDSM scenes. I begrudgingly accompanied her to a sex shop for gags, cuffs and spanking implements. I found the idea of disciplining my wife ridiculous, but nevertheless I started spanking and restraining her. Gradually we increased the severity of the punishment, and something inside me switched: I realised that I find BDSM hugely exciting. But now she has decided she isn't keen to be dominated. I was more sexually satisfied than ever but am now being denied that. What should I do?

Many BDSM couples experience this kind of burnout, especially when they are novices. Your wife will be more interested in returning to BDSM if you make sure her needs for other kinds of intimacy are met. Her sudden change of interest is also a sign that she may wish to switch erotically and dominate you. I suspect she really wants to experiment with erotic power exchange but only knows how to do this in a non-erotic form. For now, comply with her wishes for vanilla intimacy and gradually experiment. Once the balance is right, you'll have more options. Avoid the tendency to regard BDSM as an all-or-nothing erotic style. Have a discussion about which specific practices appeal to each of you and which are better left in the "red room".

•Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders

•If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please don't send attachments).