PlanetFargo

How Now, DemonCow?

Crystal arrived at my place and I had to struggle to get her into the door. See, I have one of those automated security systems -- you know, like the Bill Gates home of the future? Locks on all the doors and windows controlled by my PC? and the cow didn't want to open the door until I walked over and gave her a slap across the cheek.

When Crystal entered the room I sensed a chill in the air immediately. (This may also be because my thermostat is controlled by the PC.) Wherever Crystal went, the big beady black eyes of the cow followed her, and above the monitor the steady red gaze of the unblinking webcam eye took in us both. With a weakness in the knees and a creeping terror, I knew what had to be done.

I was going to have to turn off the cow.

I didn't want to explain this to Crystal right there in the apartment -- my PC has a microphone built into the base of the monitor, so I knew the cow could hear our every word. Quietly I ushered my girlfriend out onto the patio and closed the glass doors behind us in order to plan our attack.

"We're going to have to turn the cow off," I explained to her in hushed tones while the cool spring breeze wafted over us. "When we get back inside, don't make any sudden or threatening movements. I'm going to walk calmly over to the PC as if nothing happened, and exit the game. Got that?"

Crystal peered through the glass, noted the demon-cow on the monitor, and nodded affirmatively. Suddenly, with a sharp snap of metal, the patio doors latched themselves shut. I tried moving the handles but they didn't budge -- I was locked out of my own home.

My cell phone rang -- Knowing who it was, I picked it up and barked into the receiver. "COW! Open the Patio doors!" I cried.

"I'm sorry Dave," the voice of the cow answered back. "I'm afraid I can't do that."
The voice continued while I banged frantically on the glass: "Although you took very thorough precautions in the patio against my hearing you, I could see your lips move..."