Completely Straight Republican Spends Night Jerking Off To Paul Ryan

(LEBANON) – David Litzbaugh, a self-identified heterosexual Republican, said he spent much of last night jerking off to what he called a “superb debate performance” by GOP vice presidential hopeful Paul Ryan.

“Despite being completely straight, I couldn’t help but get excited about Ryan’s youthful vigor,” said Litzbaugh. “I suppose you could say I was aroused, but it wasn’t a gay thing. It was all about his message – well, and those strikingly beautiful eyes and perfectly-coiffed hair.”

“It all sort of snuck up on me,” said Litzbaugh. “Right after that line Ryan used about Biden being ‘under duress,’ I looked down and suddenly realized I had a giant boner.”

However, the evening was not pure ecstasy for Litzbaugh. “There were a couple times when Joe Biden’s laugh almost caused me to lose my erection. But I was able to save it, and in fact maintain it for the duration of the debate.”

“I thought Ryan’s critique of the Libya terror attack was a major turn-on – you know, politically,” Litzbaugh said. “Also, all that talk of how a debt crisis is coming really got my juices flowing. That Paul Ryan really knows how to push my buttons.”