Jason Kidd Spills Acid All Over His Team

Brooklyn Nets head coach Jason Kidd accidentally tripped and fell today, knocking over a giant barrel of hydrofluoric acid which spilled all over his players, burning and melting their bodies.

“Oh, whoopsies,” said Kidd, oddly dressed in a Hazmat suit for a meeting he called for his players in a tight corner of the locker room behind the barrel. “I can be so clumsy,” he added, holding Paul Pierce’s body down near the floor drain where the acid and slurry of human tissues and bones was draining.

The first-year coach said he doesn’t know how the giant barrel of acid got in the locker room or how the lid was removed, although security footage shows him wheeling in the barrel and removing the lid minutes before calling his players over to talk.

“Really? There’s tape of me doing that?” he said. “I don’t know. I’m a first-year coach. I’m still learning. If I did wheel in a huge barrel of hydrofluoric acid, it’s completely slipped my memory. I guess these are the kind of mistakes rookie coaches make. Clock management, using the bench, buying acid and spilling it on the team, working the refs, et cetera.”

Sadly, the entire Nets roster was consumed and killed by the flood of acid. While most people would have easily been able to jump up and run away, the age and slowness of the team did them in. It took less than a minute for their brittle bones to be devoured.

Kidd said he hopes he can get a new roster of players soon.

“I have a feeling that if we got Andrew Wiggins or Jabari Parker, my clumsiness would no longer be an issue,” he said.