Sunday, January 23, 2011

Disneyland is not for the faint of heart, unless their heart faintness allows them to ride a scooter around the place.

I realize you have been waiting on pins and needles for my return (for those readers that are receiving acupuncture at this time, even more so) and my much-needed hiatus has come to a much-needed end.

It's time for this man to do a little writing for "humor's" sake and I use that term loosely as I can barely be considered a "man". And you need not worry, for I have been on-assignment in the Magically Kingdomy Kingdom. I took my writing pad to scribble notes of the "thoughts" I had throughout the day. ("Thoughts" is in quotes because, well, it seemed fitting.)

The following is a minute-by-minute account of the thoughts running through my head as I ventured through the "Happiest Place on Earth". (Which is exactly what the old man that we saw tip over on his scooter and land on his face likely referred to it as.)

9:00 AM: Wow, hardly a line at all to get in. Must be expecting a slow day today.

9:01 AM: Nevermind.

9:10 AM: In line for Toy Story Mania with hundreds of others. I wonder if they donate these 3D glasses to poor 3D movie theaters when they are done with them?

9:20 AM: Back in line for Toy Story Mania. Apparently, my wife has caught a bad case of the Mania.

9:40 AM: I bet the guy in the Woody costume totally gets hit on by a lot of moms.

10:00 AM: In line for Soarin' Over California. We drove here so this will be California from a whole new perspective.

10:20 AM: Disappointed that I am not soarin' over Fresno, the crown jewel of California.

10:30 AM: This Monsters Inc. ride strangely makes me hungry.

10:45 AM: Five Dollars for a friggin' Churro? I wouldn't pay that if the Churro was two feet long!

10:48 AM: This Churro is delicious.

10:50 AM: A 13 minute line to ride the Tower of Terror? I'm in.

11:03 AM: That Churro was not a good idea.

11:30 AM: Listening to a turtle named Crush talk to kids. Can't imagine anything being more entertaining.

12:00 PM: Twelve bucks for a crappy burger and soda?! I'd rather starve.

12:05 PM: This burger is not good.

12:35 PM: 40 minutes to ride Peter Pan?! Who in their right mind would wait...

1:15 PM: LOOK SON, we're FLYING!

1:16 PM: Note to Self: When opening own amusement park, make your rides dangle from the ceiling and you immediately increase wait times by an average of 30 minutes.

1:30 PM: If the world was Disney-ized, I'd buy stock in the suspender industry.

1:35 PM: If I was a giant, NO WAY I'm drinking out of those teacups. All that butt sweat.

1:45 PM: Maybe I'll luck out like last year and get a buzz from the second hand pot smoke in this Alice In Wonderland ride.

1:55 PM: Nope.

2:05 PM: This Autopia ride would be perfect if my four-year-old wasn't slamming our car into the rail over and over and over.

2:25 PM: Yep, Space Mountain still rules.

3:05 PM: I just saw Busy Phillips get off the Big Thunder Mountain with a Disney escort. Who is Busy Phillips? How do I even know who she is?! Also, Disney escorts probably do not like to be referred to as "escorts". They probably prefer "Paid Princesses", but really, we all know what they really do.

4:00 PM: It's a Small World is closed today which makes me question the actual size of the world right now.

4:05 PM: Not even in his most drunken days with the Paid Princesses would Walt Disney construct this nightmarish monstrosity known as "Toon Town".

4:30 PM: I've heard rumors that Walt Disney's frozen head is stored in the basement of this Haunted Mansion which would explain why my ice cubes seemed a tad bit salty this afternoon.

4:45 PM: Whinny the Pooh is not worthy of his own ride. Grow a backbone Whinny. And what happened to those singing bears? The one that played the banjo... ha ha!

5:00 PM: Okay, I am officially exhausted.

5:15 PM If you are a woman over the age of 12 and are wearing a tiara or have your face painted like a fairy in Disneyland, you are not cute, you are pathetic and that is why you are here with your "friends" instead of a date.

5:25 PM: Same thing goes for men wearing Indiana Jones hats.

5:30 PM: Unless you are actually Indiana Jones.

5:45 PM: This Jungle Cruise Guide sucks. Hand over the mike, loser.

5:46 PM: Nevermind. He has a gun.

6:00 PM: Holy crap, this robotic Mr. Lincoln is as boring as I remember as a kid.

6:30 PM: Wow, I am so tired. We should totally go try that Alice In Wonderland ride again.

6:45 PM: Do the Tiki Room birds have had their wings clipped? Why would they stay in this musky, putrid room for 40 years, singing the same songs over and over?

7:00 PM: Time to go. The boys have begun slapping each other's foreheads in line in attempt to put me over the edge. It has worked.

7:15 PM: Another fine day in the Happiest Place on Earth. Easily the best $5,362 I have ever spent.

I just returned. I promise to get around and visit as many blogs as I can ASAP.

66 comments:

]5:15 PM If you are a woman over the age of 12 and are wearing a tiara or have your face painted like a fairy in Disneyland, you are not cute, you are pathetic and that is why you are here with your "friends" instead of a date. <--best thought of the day.

This is all very David Lettermanesque. I mean that as a compliment, big-time. My favorite bit: 4:00 PM: It's a Small World is closed today which makes me question the actual size of the world right now.Welcome back.xoRobyn

Great blow by blow play of a day in paradise. I congratulate you because it does not sound like you lost it one time. I cannot say the same on the Disney's counterpart in Florida. Perhaps it's the humidity.

Yep! Sounds like a perfect day in Disney. But wait, you didn't even mention going ON Thunder Mountain. It's my fave! And lets get one thing straight, even if the churro DID really cost five bucks, it's TOTALLY worth it. TOTALLY! I go to Disneyland for the churro. The end. Well, that and Thunder Mountain and the Toy Story ride (you're wife was totally on to something there).Glad you all had fun, and glad you're back.

Hilarious, and soooo true. Especially the food part. We have a picture of my son at Universal Studios in Florida holding up a "burger" the size of a large pickle chip. It hurts to think what we probably spent on it.

Your family is darling! And who is the Philips person? I have no idea.

So this got me thinking... if you are Cheeseboy, what does that make your sons? Cheese Doodles? Cheesenips? Cheeselings? Yeah... i think I got it right the first time... the Cheese Doodles are Darling, as is Queen Cheese. I cracked up through all of this... oh yeah... you captures the spirit of the magic kingdom alright...

"1:30 PM: If the world was Disney-ized, I'd buy stock in the suspender industry."I may or may not have had too much caffeine this morning but this made me giggle uncontrollably--glad I'm all alone here...

Welcome back! If only we would have thought about it ahead of time, instead of wearing the Barney costume for 500 followers, you could have walked around Disney with your face painted like a fairy. Hindsight....

Did I ever tell you about the time I was in Venice, Italy, in a gondola under the stars on this perfect, velvety night with my husband?

I turned to the gondolier and told him that there was no place on earth I would rather be than right there. I asked him if he could choose one place he'd like to be in all the world, where would he choose?

I am not kidding you. He said, Walt Disney World. The place I am forced to go to every weekend. The place I hate with all my heart.

The freakin' gondolier in Italy. Walt Disney World. Yeah.

Glad you're back, Cheese. The world was less funny without you. I gotta run. I've misplaced my tiara and I can't go to the grocery store without it.

Welcome back. Very funny post. Tea cups and butt sweat? Ack. Seriously- where do you come up with this stuff?! And do you share all these lines with your wife?! After my exhausting day, thanks for a good laugh.

I just signed on to be your 506th follower, just so we'd have some wiggle room in case a few people drop out after ingesting bad churros. I'm new here, followed a link from Pearl, and am now on pins-and-needles awaiting the Barney food pick up. I hope you're ordering the Hu Flung Poo and Hung Tu Lo.

I was laughing out loud at your boys slapping each other's heads. I could so see my boys doing the same thing. BTW, when we went to Disney World, Crush "talked" to my son. Because he had trouble speaking at the time (he was 5), Crush couldn't understand him. It was CRUSHing. Really. :(

What's with the blonde chick? Isn't she the chick from Cougartown? Did you see her at Disneyland?Wow.Lucky.Chinese...Chinese....lol.Oh look, you picked up 6 new followers while you were away. Send some followers my way pullleese. I'm just a few away from 400. Maybe I should promise my readers a little somethin somethin. You think?I did just win a Flip Hd.You have any ideas?

You are very special today. You got 3 comments from me today. Feel special.Now throw me some ideas...and some followers...What would Cluttered Brain (that's me.) LOL...do for some followers...if she reached 425 followers....

I'm shocked you remembered all those minute by minute thoughts! Oh, and thanks for ruining the teacup ride (butt sweat) and the ice cubes (Walt's frozen head) at Disneyland for me. When we go, I will never think of that place the same...

Kind of makes you wonder why we can't be that happy all the time without being at Disney.... I was thinking you might have stolen the cruise guide's job with all of your sharp wit and humor, but thankfully you came back. Now you need a vacation...

I've never been to Disneyland, but boy oh boy, do I LOVE me some Disneyworld! It's always best to buy a meal plan, you get these little cards, and you paid for it ahead of time, so when it comes time to eat, you feel a little less like you just got raped.

Seriously, what is wrong with their hamburgers?! They are horrible! If anyone takes some ground beef and cooks it and sticks it in a bun, it tastes good. Except at Disneyland. Maybe the meat is from those music playing bears. And maybe the buns are from the styrofoam of some no longer needed Small World dolls.