Please Hire Me To Colonize Mars

Yes, the company Mars One is screening applicants to undergo a rigorous training and then make the 9-month trip to Mars and establish a permanent settlement on the red planet. And I am so obviously the ideal choice for this is just ridiculous. I’d laugh sardonically if I weren’t so busy doing push-ups to get read for the physical.

So Mars One? You should hire me immediately. Search is over; smoke ‘em if you got ‘em; stop drilling, you’ve hit oil: I am your guy. I am sure you will be receiving applications from a lot of people and may be wondering what makes me stand out from the crowd? What makes me out of this world?

Well you just got a little taste of the first thing: space puns.

A lot of applicants will probably be scared off by the spoooooky Mars Face thing, so I’m pretty much a shoe-in.

Most of your applicants, you hire them, they’re at the press conference, and some reporter says, “How are you feeling about this mission?” and he’s like, “Oh, I anticipate success and expect cultivate the payload future blah blah snore.” America changes the channel. Me? Same question, my response: “I think it’s going to be stellar.” BAM! America’s saying, “Wow! He’s optimistic and it’s funny because that’s where he’s going! Hurray Mars!”

Did you know Saturn isn’t spherical, but actually ovoid? No? Hm. I’ll send you a postcard from Mars.

Because I know tons about space. For example, Europa is a moon around Jupiter. We’re on some space mission and the co-pilot says, “It says we’re supposed to turn left at Europa, but that’s back on Earth! What do we do!?” And I could explain that he’s thinking of Europe, which is a continent. Europa is a big moon by the biggest planet which is named for a Roman God (but isn’t Mars).

Because I can do that countdown thing with the echo. You know, how it’s like, “10 10, 9 9, 8 8, 7 7, 6 6…” You’d think you were sitting in the bleachers, watching a launch from Cape Byronic Man (I’m anticipating a name change).

I’ve seen the Schwarzenegger movie Total Recall several times. You know the part where a recording gets stuck and Arnie keeps saying “Git your ahss to Mawz” over and over? I’ll refrain from saying that to the other colonists over and over, even though that’d be hi-larious.

Could I get one of these that doesn’t make me look fat?

I’m not saying I won’t overthrow the local authority and establish my own personal empire on Mars… but, I will promise to try not to. Or at least to try to try.

Because I have trained myself to poop in a bag. Oh, they laughed at me. Shunned me. Called the police on me. But I knew the day might come when I’d have a chance to go in to space and they’d say “You know you have to poop in a bag, right?” And I’d be ready. “No problem,” I’d say.

Because I carry Tang with me at all times. Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant and they don’t serve Tang because they hate America and progress, so I carry some with me so I can whip up a mug, or, if I’m out for cocktails, a Mar-tang-I (patent pending).

Because I’ve read The Martian Chronicles AND War of the Worlds, so I think I’m prepared for pretty much every eventuality.

So I look forward to working with you, and in lieu of awaiting a response, I will simply start packing and put the house up for sale. I know you’re going to find my contribution to the program a real thrill, and being an astronaut will just put me over the moon (ha! I did it again!)

Hey, I can see my house from here!

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

95 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Colonize Mars”

I’m sure you’d be a very good Mars colonist, but we’d surely miss you in the blogosphere. You’d have to make some sort of arrangement as to how you would send back your blog posts from the space vehicle as you traveled during the four-year trip and then all the while you live on Mars. I hope that the colonization effort packs enough food and beverages for the long-haul. Y’all are going to be there a while and there aren’t any stores that I know of in the vicinity. But I know you’ll be a first-rate colonial baron.

Do you know how I know that I’m going to have a great day today? I just saw the words wordTang and it reminded me of poontang. I’d not heard either word for some time, but poontang makes me laugh hysterically. I think it was one of those words I had to pretend to know what it meant when the bigger kids said it. They’d say they were gonna get some poontang after the dance and I’d be all thinking huh, is that some kind of drink or desserty or something? I guess in some respects it was!

Thanks for the chuckle, sir.You’d hate Mars, I was abducted and brought there once. There is no internet connectivity and they listen to a lot of Patsy Cline, which I’m ok with, but some folks aren’t.

If the interviewer happens to be wearing space pants you should immediately take advantage of the situation and open up with, “Are those space pants your wearing, because I can see myself inside them.” Following several hours of frantic hand shaking and applause welcoming you into the space program you should then walk out of the office, point to your rear and say, “now my ass is out of this world.” This will of course be followed by even more applause and a space related autobiography which will immediately become a best seller.

Should you decide to form your own Mars empire, you’ll need a trusty, tough and scary second banana who’s a bit trigger-happy with the mutant 3-breasted hookers. I have a great scary voice, a nice shaved head and I’m a crack shot…plus I promise to laugh at all your jokes, puns and other humour, no matter how inane it may become.

I could never presume to “out-pun” the King of Mars, though I could probably manage a comment like: “Very trendy for Mars, B-Boss” (when you do something cool) or “Far out, Byronic!” (when you do something cool and I’m smoking a doobie) or a really lame pun like “Nice sting, B-Man!” (when you hit someone). After all, second banana = second class funnyman. Alternatively, when nothing comes to mind, you could just kick over your aquarium in disgust and make me scramble to save the goldfish…

For some reason this reminded me of this AWFUL TV show from when I was about 5 called “Astro-Nuts.” It was a Gilligan’s Island set in space, and in every episode somebody would confuse the “launch” button with the “lunch” button and Oh! the hilarity that would ensue!

That line’s a little more obscure, so maybe you could resist. Or you could NOT resist just beCAUSE it is more obscure and you would want to show off your knowledge of obscure movie quotes. Either way, there’s absolutely no way ANYone could resist doing the fakey, bug-eyed, tongue sticking out Ahnold-after-falling-down-the-hill-on-Mars routine.

So recently I was making a list of rules I would institute should I become queen of the world and — I’m not just blowing rocket exhaust here — I thought of you and another blogger or two who already have big plans for ruling the world. I really only have a few rules and they’re really all about me.

My solution to this was to become queen of another planet where I could institute my rules from the get-go.

I guess Mars is out. (But I would totally come visit once you have things in order.)

Well, there’s Venus, of course, because then if someone showed up looking for me you could say, “No, no – the Byronic Man is from Mars. Women are from Venus.” And then just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

The only thing that remains for you to do now is to actually apply on that site, and I didn’t see you application there. Although, it looks like your credentials are strong enough so you probably won’t need to jump through the hoops, or whatever physical training they’ll put you through.

I remember seeing him in something else, some “They’re Trying To Kill The President!” movie from the 70’s, and you get used to Cpt. Kirk talking that way, but it’s almost unbearable to see Shatner as a government agent and. yet. he’s STILL. talking. LIKE. THIS.

Ok, I have one question. Which one of you Byromaniac’s have started the petition to keep The Byronic Man right here on earth so he can continue the to entertain the blogoshpere? Pass it this way I will be signing it.

Dear Mr. Byronic,
We at Mars One ran across your unorthodox application and have a few questions:
1. Martian humor requires interspecies sensibilities. How are your extra-terrestrial limericks?
2. Most of our interstellar maps reference Io, not Europa. Seen any chimps with obelisks?
3. We’re sorry, but poop bags are *so* 1960. Please reference the Ronco 5-Tray Food Dehydrator and Beef Jerky Maker.
Thank you for your interest.
John Carter

Here’s a happy thought: Maybe we could convince Dubya to retire there…just tell him it’s peaceful and quiet so his naps won’t be interrupted. Think of all the money the secret service could save knowing he’s safe and sound…

Haha! I can just hear his speech now as his rocket propelled Memorial Library Lander opens up it’s doors to the Mars surface. “Greetings my favourite Martians! Hehe. A little Star Trek humor there folks. Not since Buzz Armstrong first set foot on this surface …”

So in case you need to diversify from the Mar-tang-i, I thought I should put in a word for Goontang. It’s tang made up with cask wine which we here downunder call Goon. Friends invented it in college. I guarantee it will keep life on Mars entertaining, especially if you take a Jesus wig and a boyscout uniform up there with you. Godspeed!

I’m surprised that no one mentioned this to me at all. Quite frankly, I’m a little heartbroken. Colonizing Mars sounds like the ultimate adventure one could go on. And, by the way, the “Tang” part got me laughing ballistically. Cheers.
xx