‘The Bachelorette’: I will happily in Germany jelly donut you

Much like poor Private Buster – who isn’t quite sure what he’s doing here – so too am I stumbling into unfamiliar recapping territory. Trying to fill in for Therese is probably (definitely) a bad idea, but I’m here for the right reasons and just hoping to make a connection. So be gentle and enjoy your The Bachelorette recap methadone.

Release the waxed manapes!

We’re in Munich, Germany this week, city of culture, history, and romance. The manherd and their matching product placed hoodies spill out into the station at Odeonsplatz. Wikipedia tells me this large square was the scene of a fatal gun battle during the 1923 Beer Hall Putsch. Not since then has Munich seen so many putsches in one place. The 1-on-1 card goes to Big Pun: “In Munich we can fall in love with each other.” Break out the bungies. They are clearly getting tossed off a building because metaphor. Or not. Instead, they stroll Munich’s streets bothering the mimes and not realizing that the delicious meat stick they’re eating is made from cow.

So much sausage (m.pandawhale.com/post/21249)

Back at the hotel, Private Buster is having an epiphany. His talk with Des in Atlantic City reassured him enough to get on a plane, but now he realizes he einen grossen fehler gemacht. Knowing that Princess Des will want to hear this news immediately, he sets out to find her. You’re killing me, Buster. He heads into the city, “asking” passersby if they’ve “seen” “cameras” anywhere. Finally the producers shove a couple in his path who point him in the right direction. He pulls Des aside while Big Pun hangs out with some German pigeons. Princess Des is kind of annoyed by the news and talking heads that it makes her question whether the other manapes will be there for her, or if they’ll just one day decide to pack up and leave. Easy there, kitten. I think you’ve gotten into some of 7-Years-Sober’s left over abandonment Kool-Aid. Big Pun reassures her that he’s in it for the long haul and they seal that commitment with steins of beer bigger than their heads. Dinner, bad poetry, private concert with Matt White (who?), rose for Big Pun.

The group date card arrives for Mumbles, Nipples, Jr., Hashtag D-bag, El Zorro, Drew (who is not Brandon), Marionette Face, and Family First. “Will you climb the highest mountain for me?” Prop Daddy and Wilford Brimley get the dreaded 2-on-1 date the next day. Emboldened by the “gladiator style setting” they now find themselves in (wait, what?) Wilford Brimley announces that he “needs to now go and murder [Prop Daddy].” That’s … no. What?

Two men enter. One man leaves. (Warner Bros.)

You just simma down while the rest of the herd joins Princess Desiree atop the Zugspitze for yodeling and sledding because metaphor. Careening down the highest peak in Germany on your butt. What can go wrong?

(CBS)

Princess Des leads the herd back up a hill to a wooden door set in a wall of ice and snow. Chris Harrison appears and announces that any man who does not receive a rose must immediately take the black. Buster’s departure is still on Des’s mind and she tells the men that if at any time things just don’t feel right, please don’t waste any more time.

The men settle in for giant pretzels and free flowing Riesling in the ice chalet while Des has some alone time with Mumbles and Family First. Mumbles makes the most of his time by word vomiting on Des until she’s forced to silence him with her lips. Nipples Jr. cuts in on Family First’s snowman building time to tell Des about that time he climbed a mountain and realized that he wasn’t being called to the priesthood after all and how being in Germany with her now has brought him full circle. I think I need some more box wine, because that just makes no sense to me. Back inside, Mumbles decides that Marionette Face has two faces which he must expose to Des by being a creeper and watching them make out. Still a better plan than what Wilford is Brimleying. And he still gets the rose.

2-on-1 date. A talking goat wanders down from the hills and tells Wilford Brimley that Des wants his help in exposing Prop Daddy for a fraud. It’s the only explanation for the crazy he proceeds to unleash. They meet Des at Lake Tegernsee and pile into a “hot tug” because nothing says ’embrace the awkward’ like being in the middle of an icy lake in a wood-fired, navigationally questionable, floating hot tub. Des tries to steer the conversation to relationships and what they’re each looking for. Wilford asks Prop Daddy about Prop Mommy. YOU KNOW, THE MOTHER OF THE SON WE HAVEN’T REALLY HEARD MUCH ABOUT LATELY. Des shifts uncomfortably and wonders if she jumped in the lake, would the production crew make her get back in the hot tug or take her back to shore. Wilford can sympathize with Prop Daddy’s situation though. He knows what it feels like TO HAVE AN ABSENTEE FATHER WHO DOESN’T CALL BECAUSE OF THE TIME DIFFERENCE AND DOESN’T SHOW UP WHEN HE SAYS HE WILL. Des looks off camera with an expression that says, ‘No seriously, get the rescue swimmer and hot blankets ready because I’m going in.’

Wilford takes a different tack over dinner, wondering WHY YOU NO GET ALONG WITH OTHER WAXED MANAPES, PROP DADDY? Because he’s not there to make friends, he’s there for Princess Des. OH YES, OF COURSE. AREN’T WE ALL. Des grimaces and reaches for her backup glass of red wine because Princess Des is going to need ALL OF THE WINES to get through this meal. She tries to get the conservation back on track by asking about family traditions. Going to church every Sunday as a family is something that’s very important to Prop Daddy. BUT WHAT ABOUT EASTER? YOU DIDN’T GO TO CHURCH ON EASTER, PROP DADDY. Catholic service in German. WHAT ABOUT THE MORMON? SWEET SISTER WIVES, THE MORMON WENT TO EASTER MASS. It was the first Easter Prop Daddy has been away from his son. BUT YOU DIDN’T TALK TO YOUR SON ON EASTER, SO. Prop Daddy excuses himself from the table. Princess Desiree is not amused.

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Wilford Brimley is sorry not sorry until he realizes that the talking goat lied. Des didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition and now he’s the one staring down the horror of the comfy chair. At the hotel, the men all sit up together waiting to see whose suitcase is rolled away. It’s later than they’ve ever stayed up. IT’S ALMOST 10:30 AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN TIRED! Wilford Brimley somehow manages to pull his schnitzel out of the fire and win the date rose. Des would have been better off sending them both home and choosing the talking goat.

Auf Wiedersehen (Lifetime)

Dess arrivess at the Schloss Schleissheim in Oberschleissheim to ssit down with Chriss Harrisson before the cocktail party. The cocktail party she announces they’re not having. But! But! There has to be a cocktail party so Drew (who is not Brandon) can expose Marionette Face for the grasping next-Bachelor wannabe that he is! Nope. Sister doesn’t even take off her coat as she starts handing out roses.