Welcome to the BlackLOG, this is the story of me, my wife - the long suffering "Mrs B", our cat "McG" and the various friends and acquaintances that we meet through life. It is all based around what happens to us, but is often stretched in an attempt to entertain. I do not deliberately set out to upset people but it occasionally happens (I have a fairly dark sense of humour at times).

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Friday, 13 November 2009

With all the speed of a dead sloth

Not dead or a sloth, McG does his impression
of the speed of a BlackLOG posting.

For the record this is my 93rd post. It has taken me almost 2 years to get here and it will be well into 2010 (about 4pm on the 1st of January, if I can get a signal from the ski slopes of France, at my current rate of posting) before No.100. I'm getting excited - will I get the blogger equivalent of a telegram from the Queen?

Some sites passed 100 postings in less than three months and are still accelerating. All I can say is it takes time to craft this drivel and I make no apologies for my once a week strategy. (If you wish to read between the lines, Mrs B would become the former Mrs B if I spent much more time here.)

In all that time and through all your suffering some good has actually come of it. I know for instance that I have inspired 3 people to create their own blogs. I would like think that they were impressed by my efforts, although I have a sneaky suspicion that the thought process was more like:

Inspired Blogger 1 :-"If that idiot can do a blog, anyone can."

Inspired Blogger 2 :-"What, who is he? I've never heard of him..."

Inspired Blogger 3 :-"I must save the dignity of Bishops Stortford from the outrage that is the BlackLOG"

Readers - your mission this week is to go check them out and read some of their old stuff. If you like it, get on and become a fan and support them in their future endeavours, laugh at the good times and cry through the bad.

Skipper the Quarter Horse - (We go way back and Mrs B and I try and see Skipper and the family at least once a year. They always make us so welcome.)

Conform Consume Obey - (Despite working in the same firm for a number of years we have never met. He has moved on to pastures new but still supports the Fantasy Football (that's soccer to you non-Europeans) league I run.)

Midge's musings- (My relationship with IMO started when she stumbled into the BlackLOG earlier this year, I think she is still looking for the exit. Despite living in the same town we have never met. Or perhaps we
have......?)

Yoga update
I've been a bit quiet on the Yoga postings recently as there are only so many ways I can describe how rubbish I am at it before you get bored. I thought you might enjoy this exchange however:

Yoga Teacher: :- "Are you comfortable in that position?"

Me :- "Yeeessss" - I always get skeptical at any point in a class when attention turns to me, it's never destined to end well for me....

YT :-"Are you sure you are comfortable?"

Me :- "I can assure you it feels as comfortable as I ever get in Yoga"

YT :- "I'm the teacher and I know what's comfortable for you!!!"

This could have gone on for a while but it suddenly dawned on me we were at cross purposes.

I thought, selfishly, when YT said "are you" she meant "Did I feel comfortable" but what she really meant was - my position was not aesthetically pleasing to her and made her uncomfortable. I, as usual, tried to explain that my body did not move in the same circles as the rest of the class, preferring to find its own path. A couple of attempted adjustments later and some earth shattering shrieks from me and we compromised. This meant me being left as a quivering wreck, while she moved on to the more malleable members of the class...

TV watch
1 hour and 15 minutes, 33 seconds after getting agreement for the new large TV from Mrs B it was ordered. It would have been sooner but it took a little while to get the local shop to price match and include the 5 year warranty.

How things have changed. The last time, when I was negotiating for the 36"
TV, there were tears and an outburst of why do we need anything bigger than a 21"? This time, with 58" of Plasma magic heading in our direction, Mrs B actually declared that she is looking forward to watching the big TV ....Damn I should have held out for the 65".

It's time to step into the TimeBLOG (patent still pending) while I take you back a few years .......

Unintentional experimentation with homelessness
I managed to lock myself out of the house last week through a combination of bad luck, poor timing but mostly gross incompetence on my part. While I would like to sweep this incident under the proverbial carpet, a sense of fair play (I'd certainly report it if any one of you did the same*) and a lack of other interesting incidents this week leads me to this sad confession.

While the experience only lasted just over two hours, before Mrs B returned to save me from having to track down a shopping trolley, put all my worldly goods into it and then head off to the nearest soup** kitchen, it felt like an eternity. I had a bit of luck in that I had my Ipod with me but sadly the headphones were the other side of a locked door and at least it was dry until it started raining.

The cats were very supportive through the entire event, peering at me from the warmth of our well-lit kitchen. They decided not to use the cat flap to come and visit but made it perfectly clear they were less then happy that their dinner was going to be served late. Mrs B was most surprised to see me rushing up the driveway to greet her and I'm sure it was only shock at seeing what looked like a genuine homeless man, 2 hours of beard growth, dishevelled clothes and a look of hopelessness which caused her to swerve towards me and nothing to do with the extra life insurance she took out on me last month***.

* In fact here I go. My story of woe managed to flush out that a friend of ours locked her child in their car with the internal sensor alarm engaged. This made me feel a little better about my situation. My advice if you own both a child and a car is to get a child flap fitted, I suspect the child is unlikely to use it, especially if they are strapped in like Houdini but it will allow you to feel better about the situation. Especially when you work out that there is a one in a million chance of the child working its way out of the restraints and then out of the car, but as every one who has read Pratchett knows, million to 1 chances work out 9 times out of 10.

** I never was that keen on soup and somehow I don't expect they are likely to serve it with a side order of steak and chips.

*** I would like to point out this last part is pure fabrication and used for dramatic effect. While most things in the BlackLOG are based on real events, for reasons of pace and interest they are often stretched into the world of unreality**** . In truth, Mrs B was most concerned at my plight, especially as, like the cats, it resulted in her dinner being delayed.

**** I have for instance been asked if at Halloween I really drove the Mini with the roof down through a bunch of potential Asbo's. Are they mad, of course I had the roof up, those little ankle biters can move quickly and you really don't want a bunch of them clinging to your head as you speed into the night.

McG trying out a new home, in case I try and
experiment with homelessness again…

Well...this post inpired me to go back to yoga. I mean I do have 9 classes left on my class card that must be used before December, but this helped. I can't stand when they adjust you and you hear that crack...never a good thing.

Congrats on the TV. Mrs. B's outburst about the 36" is proof woman don't care about size. Men however...just don't make her help you hang it on the wall while you have the flu, then yell at her when she almost drops it.

"Football (that's soccer to you non-Europeans)" football, or futbol in my country, is not only for Europeans. IN fact, mostly Americans call it soccer, while the rest of the world says football, futbol and use kilos, kilometers, Celsius, and what not. So NEXT time you're going to discriminate, at least do it right and include the rest of the world (the Latin world). Alright, done with the rant. I'm not into big TVs. I probably wouldn't have made my hubby grovel and beg for one, but i definitely wouldn't have been excited about it. I don't watch TV much and even though i like to know the final score on all sports games, i don't like to WATCH them. but PLAYING them is a whole other story. I feel for you, btw, about having a 2 hours worth of beard growth. I have the same problem, but with my legs.

I tried yoga once. I would have gone again except for the fact that I really dislike intentionally causing myself pain. Minor detail, really. That, and the YT was a mean and sadistic woman!!! As you well know. ;o)

Inspired Blogger 3 :- "I must save the dignity of Bishops Stortford from the outrage that is the BlackLOG"

Readers - your mission this week is to go check them out and read some of their old stuff.

What old stuff - I've only got 1 post so far! Actually that's an incentive for all blackLOG supporters to check me out before I get the second post out this weekend, once I've composed my experiences at the dentist today i.e. Friday the 13th. I wasn't superstituous before, I might be wavering now though!

I managed to lock myself out of the house

When I last locked myself out, along with all three boys and no car keys, I had to get Mr Imo back from Ipswich (I had managed to pick up my mobile), he'd gone to watch Ipswich play an evening game. A friend in Thorley had to take us in, after she'd driven across town to pick us up! Obviously Mr Imo missed the game that night - Opps. Beat that....

Despite living in the same town we have never met. Or perhaps wehave......?)

Are you that man that sits outside the old Woolworths with stuffed dogs for some animal shelter charity at the weekends - if so, I would have walked past you intently looking the other way.

Gingerella2 hours of beard growth....oh, the humanity! ;)I have to admit that there is little between my two hour and two day growth

My husband isn't the typical guy in that he isn't interested in "big boy toys" like large TVs. I would be the one pushing for the 58" plasma, heh. Are you sure? He might be double bluffing you, pretending to be not interested when all along he is secretly desperate for all sorts of gadgets. You find yourself confused and end up demanding the gadgets and gizmo’s that your husband should be demanding.

Does Mr Gingerella demand chocolate, flowers, shoes and jewellery? If the answer to any one or more of thes is yes, you guys are in a gender role reversal vortex hell….

NikkiWell...this post inpired me to go back to yoga. I mean I do have 9 classes left on my class card that must be used before December, but this helped. I can't stand when they adjust you and you hear that crack...never a good thing. I find it’s much worse when you see the crack….especially if it’s some wobbly old dear, who's creaking over inches in front of your face and who has not had the ability to twist around to wipe her bum since 1995….….Yikes we have crust alert

Congrats on the TV. Mrs. B's outburst about the 36" is proof woman don't care about size. Men however...just don't make her help you hang it on the wall while you have the flu, then yell at her when she almost drops it.I’ll try and remember that one

13 November 2009 16:14 Nikki said... And when I say inpired...I men inspired. I need an editorMrs B charges very reasonable rates

13 November 2009 16:15 Nikki said... and when I say men...I mean "mean". Good grief where is my coffee?! Feel free to drop in and leave as many messages as you want. I’m shallow enough not to worry about triple and even quadruple accounting, I get a bit lost after 5 as to what to call it….I think your coffee is still in the pot…

book*addict"Football (that's soccer to you non-Europeans)" football, or futbol in my country, is not only for Europeans. IN fact, mostly Americans call it soccer, while the rest of the world says football, futbol and use kilos, kilometers, Celsius, and what not. So NEXT time you're going to discriminate, at least do it right and include the rest of the world (the Latin world). To be honest this is a mix of a Mrs B correction and me not trying to upset the septic’s*

Alright, done with the rant. I'm not into big TVs. I probably wouldn't have made my hubby grovel and beg for one, but i definitely wouldn't have been excited about it. I don't watch TV much and even though i like to know the final score on all sports games, i don't like to WATCH them. but PLAYING them is a whole other story. What do you play the TV? The only game that I find worthwhile playing with my TV’s I like to call Switch – it involves turning the thing on when you get in and off when you go out again

I feel for you, btw, about having a 2 hours worth of beard growth. I have the same problem, but with my legs. I expect to see photographic proof

WannabeVirginia W.Ahmmm, did you not have the "tuck a spare key in a random rock" trick? or a cell phone to give Mrs. B. a ringy dingy to share your current predicament? Hmmmmm...No rock but we have given some spare keys to friends. As for ringing Mrs B it would have been like being on the Titanic waiting for the Carpathia, she was over two hours away….

Damn, someone has beat me to the ol' size 'joke'. 58" though. Jebus. I can only dream of the day I own something that big (that's what she said). I'm on my way to yours to play Call of Duty on that beast.

Happy Friday the 13th!That reminds me why haven’t the greeting card companies created a line of Friday the 13th cards. They could use extra sharp edges on them to ensure that whoever receives them gets loads of paper cuts

I tried yoga once. I would have gone again except for the fact that I really dislike intentionally causing myself pain. Minor detail, really. That, and the YT was a mean and sadistic woman!!! As you well know. ;o) My YT is not sadistic as such, although she was the soup Nazi….I think I’m a bit of a challenge to her

Love the photos of McG - he's got lots of character it looks like!He certainly has, but most animals do as you will know with Jimmy Buffet and Fluffy

Have an awesome weekend! And stop locking yourself out!~Penny

I will try but then what would I blog about….? P.S. Go out and get some bad photo’s for once, you are making me feel inferior….Have a good weekend

ImoInspired Blogger 3 :- "I must save the dignity of Bishops Stortford from the outrage that is the BlackLOG"

Readers - your mission this week is to go check them out and read some of their old stuff.

What old stuff - I've only got 1 post so far! Actually that's an incentive for all blackLOG supporters to check me out before I get the second post out this weekend, once I've composed my experiences at the dentist today i.e. Friday the 13th. I wasn't superstituous before, I might be wavering now though!Should I have pre-warned you that I was sending people around, so you could tidy up. I don’t think so, much better for everyone to see how we really are.

Does the queen think the world always smells of fresh paint and is 65% covered in carpet…..Probably; I believe she has a lot of shares in carpet and paint companies

I managed to lock myself out of the house

When I last locked myself out, along with all three boys and no car keys, I had to get Mr Imo back from Ipswich (I had managed to pick up my mobile), he'd gone to watch Ipswich play an evening game. A friend in Thorley had to take us in, after she'd driven across town to pick us up! Obviously Mr Imo missed the game that night - Opps. Beat that....Did I forget to mention that I had 13 guests with me who I had invited around for supper. We only managed to keep warm by huddling together and fortunately one of them died, so at least we did not all starve….Sorry was that a bit competitive, you did throw down a marker though….P.S Mr IMO will probably thank you in the long run, I read somewhere (Or probably just made it up) that Ipswich Town games take years off their fans lives

Despite living in the same town we have never met. Or perhaps wehave......?)

Are you that man that sits outside the old Woolworths with stuffed dogs for some animal shelter charity at the weekends - if so, I would have walked past you intently looking the other way.It does sound like it could be me, although those dogs aren’t stuffed they are starving because of all the people who don’t donate, I have to feed my consumer driven lifestyle some how!!!.

You must be the woman who keeps bumping into things as you attempt to walk passed/past (difference of opinion on the internet as to which is correct. Please select and go with the one that makes you feel happy) , I though you were blind. Glad to hear that it’s because you are rude. Just think a few donations from you and I could have made it to the 65” Plasma

Ohhh you've got Travis on your ipod.Indeed I do, the music does seem to be hitting the right notes (sorry, hangs head in shame at such a bad joke, I could not resist) with readers ….

Well, if the gadget is a new guitar, or accessories for said guitar(s), then yes, he's into gadgets. The rest doesn't interest him in the slightest. Which is good because I don't have to worry about him breaking down in a midlife crisis and buying a sportscar...lol

cynicalscribbleDamn, someone has beat me to the ol' size 'joke'. 58" though. Jebus. I can only dream of the day I own something that big (that's what she said). I'm on my way to yours to play Call of Duty on that beast.

OK, you got me, I’m obviously compensating for something….some might say over compensating. If one was to take it on a proportionate basis, mathematically I would probably have an in growing penis …

WannabeVirginia W.I really like the ipod thingy music! It is very cool, instant music when I read your inspiring writing... love kings of leons, love them...

Thank you WvW, I suspect that the music is far more inspirational than the writing.

I’m not quite there with Kings of leons, I listen to and attend so many gigs it takes me a while to catch onto some music. I saw them support the Killers about three years ago and I have the albums but they have not made a great impact on me yet. Still it took me about 10 years before I appreciated the Fleetwood Mac – Tusk album, so I have not given up on the KoL yet….”

GingerellaWell, if the gadget is a new guitar, or accessories for said guitar(s), then yes, he's into gadgets. The rest doesn't interest him in the slightest. Which is good because I don't have to worry about him breaking down in a midlife crisis and buying a sportscar...lol

Guitar, are you kidding me, that’s a fantastic gadget. Hats off to Mr Gingerella. If I had any musical ability, other than being able to press a play button, I would take that hat and drop it on the floor and get a guitar….well actually a set of drums*, which is close, isn’t it?

* Not a hope in hell getting that through Mrs B’s exacting approval process and a little difficult to hide when it fails

Mr Stephens Thanks you for posting your first comment, about time sir - (well almost, just a minor intervention from me....) I feel the addition of your technical detail helps lift the BlackLOG out of the hum drum.

Tantric shopping, what a great idea and so cheap. What am I going to lust after next?

Now what to launch the behemoth of a set with, that's certainly a conundrum....? I suspect it will be in the New Year as Mrs B is mucking around with the living room in preparation for the launch....The way the budget is going you might have to bring your own food and electricity....

BlackLOG said... NikkiWell...this post inpired me to go back to yoga. I mean I do have 9 classes left on my class card that must be used before December, but this helped. I can't stand when they adjust you and you hear that crack...never a good thing.I find it’s much worse when you see the crack….especially if it’s some wobbly old dear, who's creaking over inches in front of your face and who has not had the ability to twist around to wipe her bum since 1995….….Yikes we have crust alert

I was going to take up yoga and now you've put me right off!

Oh all right, not really. My friend's just started adult tap classes maybe I should give that a go - everyone will be in an upright position (unless they fall over a lot).

58" plasma? Wow....That is truly "larger than life". I find it interesting that Mrs. B will not only benefit from the new jewelry, but will also get to watch the new tv. Maybe she'll let you borrow her diamond to carve your initials in all the mirrors....

Wow! Look at all your feedback! I feel humbled. Can't believe the big TV story - you have got to have blackmailed Mrs B with diamonds or something. Working myself up to a GIANT christmas newletter blog - don't wait up...PS Eldest son leaned over casually and just said 'nice music Mum, not like you to listen' - dear god, youngest just asked me to turn your blog UP.

Kathryn58" plasma? Wow....That is truly "larger than life". I find it interesting that Mrs. B will not only benefit from the new jewelry, but will also get to watch the new tv. Maybe she'll let you borrow her diamond to carve your initials in all the mirrors....

And you thought I was a bad husband, although I’m not sure how much of my TV I will allow her to watch…

SkipperWow! Look at all your feedback! I feel humbled. Can't believe the big TV story - you have got to have blackmailed Mrs B with diamonds or something. Working myself up to a GIANT christmas newletter blog - don't wait up...PS Eldest son leaned over casually and just said 'nice music Mum, not like you to listen' - dear god, youngest just asked me to turn your blog UP. The TV is not turning out as straightforwardly as I would like. Glad to see the boys know my music taste is cool.