Made in Egypt

I wanted to call my piece “born in Egypt” but I found “made in Egypt” more appropriate, eventually in this country we are more of “made” NOT “born”; born suggests living with free will and free will is the mother of sins where I come from.

Usually I end every year with positive thoughts and bright new year resolution, but who am I fooling, we all survive here with a manual of terms and conditions…. and once you decide to oppose the herd, you become a misfit like me.

Let me introduce the external shell, on a professional level I am doing pretty well and thankfully, my lifetime war with family and society ended up with victory. But the price of where I am and who I am was/remains unbearable, for I decided to be my true self and speak out loud in a country that despises freedom, let alone a woman who speaks of freedom.

I am angry.

I am full of rage, I can no longer handle the way this society perceives me. I am tired of explaining and expressing that I might be human after all. I am severely sick from hearing “Rana, regardless of your eccentricity and odd thoughts, you are good – genuine -trustworthy and supportive.” these statements don’t make me feel proud, it suffocates me, it’s like a razor blade piercing each and every ounce of hope that I create from shattered pieces to hold on, survive…. Breathe.

I am dissapointed

Once upon a time there was a revolution, we all had hope, we live in an utopic delusion – we sensed euphoria and we failed to understand that it’s just momentarily.

Our hopes and dreams faded because of everything we failed to understand. Not only an oppressive rooted regime – but our corrupt morals, fragile ethics and HYPOCRISY.

How did we manage to fool ourselves? Change? Freedom? Are you kidding me? How could we expect change when we barley face ourselves with our misfortunes. When we breath hypocrisy, when we betray everyone even ourselves on daily bases?

How could you speak of freedom when you still believe that atheists, agnostics etc. should be sentenced to death? What part of the word “freedom” allows you to harass me just because I am different, how could you speak of human rights when you insult, hurt, mislead dozens of people for nothing other than personal reason rooted in your distort mind.

How am I writing all of this while I hurt many people along the way due to the circus in my mind and the traumas I can’t defeat yet. I might have not hurt anyone “intentionally” but I did by every mean during the war with myself. I am as corrupt…

I am numb

I have lost touch with my feelings, 2015 is such an enlightenment. I got to see the raw ugly image of my society, my people… I wonder why am I surprised? Am I that naive?

However, being numb is pretty useful my friends. I don’t get shocked from daily sexual and verbal harassment anymore, I just live with it – After all, I am an Egyptian pierced and tattooed, I am definitely asking for it, if I was a foreigner then I wouldn’t be asking for this but being Egyptian and different equates and invitation for everyone to occupy my body or at least pierce my brain… What’s the big deal anyway?

Someone told me few days ago that I “escape” from my emotions and I runaway from feelings… Seriously! Why is it hard to absorb my numbness… Live with it, I am not there….

If you live in a country where people resist Police and military abuse and torture but they don’t have the guts to speak of domestic violence and child abuse. What change are you expecting?

If you live in a country where many people would fight sexual harassment but wouldn’t dare to open topics like incest and parental abuse. How can we forge change?

If we live in a country where people still consider parenthood as a sacred institution and domestic violence is god given right, how the fuck will we change anything?

If we are living in a country where men are granted to fool around and cheat while women would be tortured to death in the name of honor. Will we ever witness critical change?

Bottom line

“There can’t be large scale revolution until there’s a revolution on an individual level”

2 responses to “Made in Egypt”

Hello Holy, i must tell you that i really admire your courage and i wish that they could be a lot more women like you in all the arabs countries and in almost all countries. It is because of women like you that finally in some ( very few) coutries of the world, Women succeed to gain freedom! I would love to give you as much force and encouragement for your daily life.

The worst of the condition of women is that women themselves accept this” superiority” of men.

They rise their boys to become this ” macho” that they will be proud of… And they will be the first ones to insult their own daughter if they were doing what their boys, man, do!
That makes me seek i must say. I will never accept this kind of ” auto racism”.
Sorry my english is not enough good to express exactly, in good words what i feel but i think you will understand me.

Thank you really for being who you are and daring trying to be a free woman in a country where almost 80 por cent of woman are exicised.

I know quite well the mentality of the arab world towards woman, as my mam was from marrocco and treated her sons very differently from the way she treated me. And i did struggled hard to gain my freedom!

I did grew up in south of france, near to Italy and i found also my country very unfair towards women. Dangerous at night time… Why we women do not have the right to go alone on the beach at night to enjoy a full moon, listen to the sea, without being afraid to be raped?
and if we do things like that and something bad happends , it is our fault, like we should not have done it… I happend to hear when i was young that if i went out at night , i will deserve to be raped!
I “escaped” to danemark from my family, my father was greek and i think he would have love this daughter to stay a virgen for all her life.
when i got 18 and there i found a country where women are the most free in the all world and treated as equal as men.
Now since many years living in france again, as i had a taste ( 5 years in DK) of real freedom i feel frustated in france sometimes, even more by women then by men. I explain you why: they accept most of the time to be submissed to their husband, he is in a bad mood, they support it, they accept to be the one cooking after work, the man just relax” poor him” he is tired….
They accept to be payed less for the same job as a man….
They bent their heads regulary to please their man, so the couple can survive.. Etc… And still i know it is nothing compare to your daily reality.

I am a idealisttic personn, i think you are too!
I beleive that if women like us do no exist, it will never change.

You are , by your way of existing, making some change, today, it is you alone, tomorow you will be two, then 4 may be , then 10, etc…
then i do beleive that only the fact that you dare think diffirently will put into the mind of some other girls and men too, that this freedom can come and is deserved.

If all women of the world will refuse to be in slavery, then things will defenitly change.

About the arab mentality, sometimes it is really choking me, to see how the man will decide everything and the woman , even if she has a strong desire, she will accept to renounce to it because her man did not see it that way. It gives me the feeling that they stay like a child beside their men…they are only the masters in their kitchen…
Well it is not enough for me…
I am also living as a free woman, i am an artist, i have after my experience of freedom difficulties to be accepted as a free woman, i can chock both men and women by my way of living!
I feel that i leave in middle age sometimes, not in 2015.
I did spend some times in Marroco for exibitions, and thought that i could retired there later. But after 4 months i found out that even in a very cultured , ” intellectuel” kind of people , artists, gallerists, etc…there were subject i could not talk about. Men will permit selmsef to speak about their different love affair, but if i did the same, i was, either, sayed i was a provocating personn, or seen as a hor…
Well i think it is a litttle bit the same in south america, india, is even worse, indonesia, i do not , know, china, i do not think it is much better, well so much to say, but
The reason why i decided to write to you is that i could feel loneliness in your talk, you being hudge different from the majority of the women, and men, of course, but you are a ” précurseur ” as we say in french, and you are “indispensable” for the society to change.
You can be proud of yourself!
“Bravo for keeping on being who you are.
i cannot even realise, i think, our hard it is to be who you are in Egypt, but i send you my best love, strengh and support,
And thanks for your writing, it is always a pleaser to read you! ( even if it is sad)

Apologies for the delay, I just noticed your comment. You have no idea how did your words touch me.. Everyday, I come to realize that regardless of borders, women specially “Arab” struggle in different level. The fact that you were raised in Europe, yet, you are still struggling with your original culture and inherited man-made believes reflects a lot about our society.. Our daily struggle to be ourselves, let alone to find who we really are among chaos..

I would like to see your artwork, please provide me with a link or e-mail me at: rclumsy@gmail.com

I am honored to have you read my stuff, and thanks a lot for taking time to review and comment.. You make me proud.