It's been a stretch since I posted last, but I just wanted to share my heart as we approach mothers day.This day has always been one I love, I love celebrating not only my sweet mama & other ladies in my life, but also getting to watch all my mama friends be celebrated too! This day is so special. It's always a day that I look forward to.. someday when I get to be a mom. It's inevitable that this day makes me think of the trials we are facing with infertility.

I came across this tug at the heartstrings post from Lysa TerKeurst's blog: Hope when Mothers Day is Hard // It is such a great read; especially for all the gals out there who are also struggling with infertility. The truth this mothers day, is you already are one. heart emoticon"All women are mothers. Because all women bring life to the world in some way. We encourage. We feed bellies and hearts. We nurture dreams. We create beauty. We birth books. And, yes, some of us also have physical children. But that’s not the only way to bring life into this world—it’s one of many." Sitting here crying happy tears & clinging to Jesus. He knows the desires of my heart, my faith and hope is that in this in between time, I can continue to bring life into this world. I can live with reality that there will be good days and also hard days. But, if I fix my eyes on being who God has called me to be faithful to in these moments, my patient heart will one day reap that reward. We never get these moments back, so all I can do is prepare my heart for what I hope one day comes.

Grateful for all the gals around me. Thankful for their example & for their love. I'm so encouraged by the community of women I get to do life with. Each of you inspire me to be mama. Thanks for that!

This year, 2015,
My goal is to use this blog as an outlet to be able to truly connect with people.
I believe we all have a story that's worth sharing + reading.
So here is part of my current story that is unfolding daily...

Warning, this post might get a little heavy,

but this topic has been on my heart for quite a while now.

I figured I would share a bit of my story...

My husband, Adam, & will be married three years, this coming June.

Around the one year mark, we I started receiving that question,

(all my lady friends- you can guess what that is..)

"when are you going to have babies?!?"

all. the. time.

At first, i didn't really mind.. because honestly,

we were in no hurry for little ones. We love(d) the time..with JUST US.

Knowing that once babies come along- that US time would become limited.

I was under the assumption, as soon as we started trying..

I would get pregnant right away. naturally, right?

well.. month after months of waiting, wishing, late periods,

and no signs of a baby.. i started to wonder..

what is wrong? this is what women are designed to do.what is wrong with ME?
___________________________________

It felt as if everyone around me was getting pregnant
& having babies like crazy. It was like I couldn't escape thinking about it.
The more time that passed, the more upset I became.
The desire to have a baby, surpassed just about everything else in my life.
It started to trump some of my relationships & it quickly escalated.
I let jealousy feed my sadness + the emptiness I felt.

It was so frustrating, my friends were all having babies(which lets be honest, babies are straight up miracles from God. it's incredible)
I wanted to be all-in-excited for them,
but there was this part of me that just wanted to be just like them..
feeling those feelings, doing what God designed a woman to do.

I knew my heart was in need of a check.
___________________________________

Not only was I noticing these emotional changes,
I began to notice some drastic physical changes with myself too.

It seemed as if my body was out of whack.

I met with my doctor & had to follow up with test after test.

We were then sent to a fertility doctor,

who officially diagnosed me with PCOS in December 2014.[PCOS: poly cystic ovarian syndrome]to sum it up: it's a health condition that can cause hormone dysfunction..which in turn can make it very difficult to get pregnant.It also causes abnormal weight gain & trouble losing it..(what every woman wants to hear..ugh)oh and irregular periods, just to name a few issues.At this point, we were trying for over a year+ now to get pregnant.While this news was certainly overwhelming & hard to hear,it was also helpful for taking the next steps.I was told that this PCOS could lead to diabetes,if it isn't maintained because it can't manage insulin intake properly.This has fueled my desire to live a healthier lifestyle.(hence the current whole30)for not only me now, but for my future family.We currently are on the fertility road, trying to make the best next choice.
Sometimes, these moments can be frustrating, to say the least,
but as this process moves on..I've learned to just

this season of just Adam & me....and Blue.it is just that, a season.

I never even thought that we would be experiencing these moments,
but I know that there will be blessings that come from faithfulness.

I believe in my heart God is going to bless us with a baby one day.
[to be a mom, is something I've always felt I have been designed to become.]
I know this journey + these hurdles are all part of the process:
it has brought our family closer and more connected then ever.
I try and remember that I have the opportunity to CHOOSE joy through these steps.

It helps to also know that I'm not alone.
Unfortunately, a lot of women can relate to my story in some way.
That doesn't make things easier,
it just helps to know that out there someone else knows just how you feel.
These issues + the conversations that come out of similar experiences
can both heal & help through this interesting time of "in-between."
________________________________________

I'm currently in a she studies series at our church called: The Best Yes
I read these two quotes in our study & they both just tugged at my heart:

"God sees, God notices, God cares.He gives us gifts of wisdom with each of our gifts of service.God develops our character to match our calling.""She stood in the reality of TRUTHrather than the reality of her circumstances."---------------------Her assurance came from the truth; the word of God.-Lysa Terkeurst
This entire experience has brought me closer than ever to God.
I pray that I can continue to be faithful in His word + with my actions.
"With humility comes wisdom." [proverbs 11:2]

I'm extremely grateful for this platform to share what's on my heart.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
It really means a lot to me.

i love all the changes new seasons bring.
i espcially love decorating our homestead for the holidays.
fall decorations are hands down my favorite.
the nuetral shades with pops of colors bring out the best in our home.
here are a few photos of the inside of our yellow house:

we kicked off the weekend with a fall partay!

[ bonfire - potluck - pals ]

a ridiculously awesome combo!

flannel forever with my one & only.

back porch sittin..

i love using old windows any chance i get.
chalk markers are the best for these surfaces!