On being their Mother

April17th,2011

I have this story to tell that I’ve never told. I think only my sister was in the hospital room, along with a nurse. She had taken James and Jake away from us a few minutes before, we’d never see them again. I was still recovering from that moment, the pure and utter disbelief that they were gone.

She brought the clothes that they had been wearing back into the hospital room. The smallest dresses and hats you have ever seen. It’s quite silly really but I guess, as they slept near me the night before, they did help me believe the pieces of clothing were helping to warm their chilled bodies.

The nurse asked me if I wanted her to wash the clothes, they needed to be washed because they were soiled with blood. I said no. She said “are you sure? I don’t mind.”

I looked at her. The words barely able to escape my mouth “it makes me feel like their Mom if I can wash them.”

Tears. Falling.
Shoulders. Shaking.

She stopped and walked hurriedly towards me, “I have to hug you.”

And for that brief ridiculous moment a few days after returning home from the hospital, I did, I felt like I was their Mom. I washed, dried, folded and smelled their laundry. I smelled them for days and days until finally, I put them away.

This? This is why I do the March for Babies. Because it makes me feel like their Mom. I can rally my teammates (both old and new), design and order shirts, send out emails, raise money, take photos, walk…for my sons. I have no further laundry of theirs to do, I can’t hold them tight after a bad dream, I can’t make five different types of food for them for breakfast because they’ve decided to be picky, I can’t teach them to tie their shoes, I can’t chase after them at family functions.

But I CAN do this. For them.

And I CAN do this for other Mommies, so they don’t have to.

I can’t really express to you what it feels like when someone donates to Team James and Jake. It’s more than excitement. It’s love and passion. It fills my body with hope and joy. My soul smiles and cries all at once. I’m reminded again and again how wonderful it is that they were in our lives, for even such a small amount of time. We are so blessed.

It’s not about the amount, it’s about the thought, it’s about the support. I promise you this.

Comments

Oh my goodness. I just spend the better part of the day frustrated with my toddler for being so darn obnoxious! Why must he have tantrums, and break things, and touch things I don’t want him too! And then I read your post, and realized that I am so incredibly lucky that he does all these things here with me. I’m in awe of your bravery, and passion for your babies. They are in my heart now, too. I’m going to donate right now.

Beth…….there are no words……..tears are rolling down my cheeks.
You have moved me. I would love to support this cause…..my story could have ended much differently…..I had a different journey than you…..the hardest thing I’ve ever been through……I have thought through the what ifs many, many times……I’m so, so sorry for your loss.

Once again, you have bought tears to my eyes. This is why I am so proud to be a member of Team James and Jake. Because you are such an awesome person and James and Jake and the entire Fletcher family have touched my life in a very special way. Love you!

I am on an MOD team of my friend’s…I did not have the energy to pull together my own but I am marching in honor and memory of her baby in heaven and all 3 of mine…for nephew born with birth defects, my neighbor about to have her baby with birth defects, all the babies of friends I have met along this pregnancy loss journey who went too soon…including James and Jake!

oh beth … i love how honest and raw you are about your experience with james and jake. i know you are helping SO MANY mothers through loss by sharing your stories.

when we found out we were having lucy prematurely, one of the first things i thought about was the march of dimes and what they do for the people who weren’t as lucky as we were. thank you for doing this.

I just want to hug you right now, as my heart is swelling and my eyes are tearful. James and Jake will never be forgotten and you are doing any amazing thing with the MOD!

It’s a slightly different path but the emotional pain is just as real — I’m putting together a collection of guest posts about National Infertility Awareness Week (next week) and my heart just goes out to all these women!

My little sister died of SIDS when she was almost 4 months old. I was only 5– and still 25 years later, my mom grieves for her, sometimes even unconsciously.

I am really conflicted with doing March of Dimes this year. This helped a little and thank you for sharing the story. It brought me back to that hospital room that I so often forget about with all the craziness in the house.

Tiffany….I had a baby sister pass from SIDS also at nearly 4 months old…I was 9 at the time…35 years later I still remember that day like it was yesterday….If only they knew back then what they know now….if only…..but thank goodness for the March of Dimes, NICU’s and knowledge….more babies are being saved every day!!!!!

When my sweet daughter Ava died I saved my clothes that were covered in her blood. I couldn’t stand to wash her away. When we went to buy her clothes that she would be buried in everyone tried to pay for the dress and the store manager (we live in a small town) tried to give it to me for free. I told them I had to pay for it myself. It was the last thing I would ever buy her.

I’m glad to you got to experience the “normalcy” of washing your boys clothes.

Wow. This is a beautiful post. March of Dimes is close to my heart as well, though not through an experience like yours. We are walking through my husband’s work and we donate every year. I will be thinking of your family, especially James and Jake.

Beth, you put into words what my heart was feeling. I will be walking on the 30th in honor of my son, John Aaron, and in honor of all babies born too soon. You are absolutely right. The amount does not matter one bit at all. It’s the feeling that someone cared enough to put their name on that list of people that have your back in this. That they acknowledge your boys and hope, like we hope, that one day it will not happen to another family. I’ll be thinking of you that Sunday, you can be sure of that.

I’m glad I read this before the walk! I donated! After reading, I really just had to do something. No one should ever have to say goodbye to their children, and to say goodbye to two at once is even harder. I’m donating in honor of Thia and Ella, my two twin nieces who were born last year at only 26 weeks. They both died. I’m sure you will do them proud! Thank you!