Robert makes me smile. It's unfortunate that nothing will or could become of us, other than a great and closer friendship (with some added perks ;), shh). I was having trouble concentrating on homework and he offered to come over and keep me company. It was more of a distraction than help, but I enjoyed it. I asked him to tell me about his sister and about things they did together. Well, I asked him to tell me what he used to do to her when they were little. He explained that it was more of "things we did together". They seem like they were good kids. I told him of how my brothers would tie me up outside and leave me there. This made me think. I should write stories of little things in my childhood.

The following are thoughts from my notes. I have been studyingLove/Relationships/ Attatchments in my practice. I often label my smallnote books with the topics that I am studying to make for easierreference. This comes from "Ramblings of a Lover". Feedback iswelcome. It helps me ask more questions and even out my thoughts.---

My practice has become extremely useful when it comes to my emotions.I find myself getting frustrated with Mr. Perfect because he's not soperfect. I used to start the 'calm-down' process by reminding myselfof my temper when I was with Ryan. Once I remember that, then I wouldmake myself take three deep breaths, and clear my head. Now, I don'thave to do all those steps. My practice has made it sooooo mucheasier. I notice my unwanted feelings approaching and I immediatelydismiss them. Life is too short, right?

Yesterday was a very busy work day. I opened the grooming salon, thenhad to go back to work in the evening for a store meeting. Mr. Perfecthad canceled our date from the previous night and insisted on hangingout in between my work times. I felt pressured and upset at first. Ilet it go. I reminded myself of a passage from one of Thay'swritings: "We really have to understand the person we want to love.If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we onlythink of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needsof the other person, we cannot love." I was only thinking of myself.

I really want to understand Mr. Perfect. What I thought would be acomplete disaster of a date, turned out to be one of the most romanticevenings of my life. He made dinner, we listened to Siriusly Sinatra(it's a station on XM radio that merged with a sirius station), thenslow danced to my favorite Frank songs. I don't mean slow dancing likekids of my generation; I mean slow dancing to schmaltzy songs like myparents or your parents did. It was a realization that my generationdoes not know what romance or love is.

I breathed him in. Mr. Perfect has been through a lot. TNH says,The essence of love and compassion is understanding, the ability torecognize the physical, material, and psychological suffering ofothers, to put ourselves "inside the skin" of the other. We "goinside" their body, feelings, and mental formations, and witness forourselves their suffering. Shallow observation as an outsider is notenough to see their suffering. We must become one with the subject ofour observation. When we are in contact with another's suffering, afeeling of compassion is born in us." For a moment, I felt like Iwas inside his skin.

Zen is like slow dancing; at least it should be. We have to bestillness in motion, silent, compassionate. Compassion means "tosuffer with". If we aren't all of these, how do we understand theirsuffering? If we can't understand their suffering, how can we reallylove this person? For that matter, if we can't understand suffering atall, how can we love anything or anybody? ...and isn't our practice'sgoal to end suffering?---

Thank you for reading my ramblings. I just wanted to share with youall what I've been working on and thinking about.

I love Keane. I just thought I'd throw that out there first. I have finally found someone who really loves Keane as much as I do and that one is Kai. We have been close this past month. There have been countless days when I fall asleep next to Kai while listening to the Keane playlist. ...well, I fall asleep until his bf, Ralph, gets there and is like "why you all up on my man". ha.Anyways, I'm home at the moment listening to Hopes and Fears on repeat. It's my favorite cd, however, it breaks my heart. I get so sad AND hopeful at the same time. Mostly, though, I just get sad. It makes me wish I had someone to love and someone who loved me back. I just want to be loved.

Diego and I are moving out this weekend/early next week. I have yet to pack, really. I hate moving. I wish I could just wake up in my new room with all my stuff, magically. Even if it was all unorganized, I would be content. I wouldn't have to concern myself with the packing, loading, unloading, unpacking business that takes up so many hours. On the up side, we are moving in with very nice people who have a very thick headed but sweet dog named Pax. Pax and Diego get along just fine.

I'm still waiting patiently for that someone to hold hands with. I've yet to actually hold hands with this particular person. ...well, our fingers can be found in a weaved fashion every once in a while. :)*sigh*

I am currently dying my hair. I don't have the money to get a tattoo at this moment...well, I do, but I am unsure of what I want, exactly. If you didn't know, they are permanent. This is why one has to really be sure of a design that is going to be inked into her flesh. This is why I'm dying hair.

Coconut is a boxer. A white, deaf boxer. She has been at our home for about a week for a trial adoption. We wanted to adopt her but first we had to see if she would get along with our other three dogs (Minnie, Mudge, and Diego). Needless to say, it's been a rough week. If you know anything about dog training, you know that it's extremely difficult to train a deaf dog who is set in her ways. Coconut, despite her jumping and constant barking, seemed sweet. However, I can no longer look at her.

I found out this morning that she is suspected to have killed our poodle, Mudge. I am extremely upset about this. I loved Mudge and I will miss him greatly. After a fully body exam, performed by Bethany who is a Nurse, Mudge was found with 9 bite wounds to his neck. Never in my life have I wanted to hurt a dog so bad until this morning when I saw Coconuts face staring up at me. I did nothing. Just walked away from her. I can't look at her right now, so I left.

So runRightRight back to schoolCheck itLook back I sift through all the cliquesRoaming the halls all year, making me sickWhile everyones out tryin to make the cutWhat?And when you think you know me right I switch it upBehind the walls smokin cigarettes and sippin vodkaHop a fence and catch a cab, aint no one can stop usGive me a break about some other messWhat were you?Act like its everything you gotPush back the squareNow that you need her but you dontSo there you goCause back in schoolWe are the leaders of it allStop that, quit! - all that, quit!Who ruined it? you did! now grab a notebook and a penStart taking notes, Im being everyone whos on the topYou think were on the same page - but, oh were not!Ill be the man, watch your backpacks, pens and pencilsJust like he now flippin it, why you just keep it simple? you just cant goWrong rocking the clothesCoppin the stancecause really is everything that you got!Push back the squareNow that you need her but you dontSo there you go!Cause back in schoolWe are the leaders of it allSoTransposeOr stop your liesIts what you doTransposeOr stop your liesSo runSo why dont you run, so why dont you runSo why dont you run back to schoolSo why dont you run, so why dont you runAll you are - now Im on the next pageAll you are - its time to close the book upAll you are - Im on the next pageAll you are - close the book up now

I open my spiritual eyes to behold the exquisite nature of Spirit in every person, place and thing. I behold the beauty of God right where I am, wherever I am. I relax and enjoy the fullness of my life.--

see, in zen, that's called being enlightened. I'm glad I saw this one because I always say that when I reach this point, I know it's all God - the breathtaking sunrise, the light breeze, the single flower that bloomed out of season...- I just don't call it God. Why? in Zen, once you give something a name, it losing meaning. AS soon as I call it God, it's no longer God. It's an attachment. In order to enjoy it, without attaching myself to it, I just breathe it in! Right before I start to really love it and start to wonder why every day isn't like that, I let it go. I'm taught that this is the way to experience "enlightenment" or God (as I call it). Sometimes it's easier for me to let go by telling myself that I cannot be greedy and I have to let everyone else enjoy life as I did in that moment. heh. They deserve to. I love this daily affirmation! :D

My good homie Julie Pie recently wrote on Life, Love, and Consequences. I read it and have been wanting to write about the same issues in my life. Of course, we are different people, in different countries, with different expectations of others and ourselves. We also have many things in common including our love of Pit Bulls and all Bully Breeds. Before I begin my response to her blog, I'll post the link to hers so you can read it if you want to:*edit* It's actually set to private so you can't read it if you're not friends with her. I will later insert snippits of her blog if she grants me permission to do so.

My ResponseNow that I think about it, I don't know if I can really say that I have role models in my family. Sure my parents, whom I love dearly, have given me advice or rather told me what I need to do. I'm not trying to, in any way, bash them for not being amazing role models and giving me advice that would help me through my lifes turmoils. I am just realizing who my role models are. They include, but are not limited to, (and I'm sure most of you won't know who I'm talking about) Alt, Zimmerman, Angerstein(C), Wolfie, Wilson, Jenny, and surprise surprise - Ryan. These people have talked to me about things that my parents/family -extended or immediate- have never taught me, like financial responsibilities, self-courage, self-respect, confidence, happiness, discipline, and love. The basic rules of surviving, as Julie put it. Now, I've taken advice from many trusted friends and continue to carry that with me. This is not about who really is my best friend and who isn't. It's about role models. I have been fortunate enough to find people in my life that actually care. Wow, right? People that have NOT known me all my life and still offer their assistance, money, cars, houses, and love. One thing I have to give my family credit for is Back-up! Even if they don't want to talk to me about what's really going on in my life, they've always got my back. ALWAYS. Even if it means they'd have to struggle for me to live comfortably (and I love you for it). ...but strangers? Wow, it's amazing to think of these people who've only been in my life TOPS five-six years, can be such reliable sources. I've also learned that I cannot trust too many people because I'd be let down. Maybe this is where Julie and I start to differ. Yes, through this roller-coaster of life that I've lived and through my mistakes and broken relationships, I have learned that I depend on myself, I trust myself. These role models won't always be there for me. I've realized that too, but I have also learned that I actually have people that I can depend on as well. Not many, but that's okay. Julie, maybe it's our culture, our countries, our particular families, who knows... I'm glad we know we can depend on ourselves! Not a lot of people can say that much.

Opposite of how your heart works, I let love in too easily. I also think I have only really loved one person, and I'm sorry for those exes that may or may not be reading this - please don't be hurt. Unfortunately, he never proved to me that he genuinely loved me. It seems that all too often I fall for the boys who can look me in the eyes and make me feel attractive over the ones who really know themselves and have control of their lives. I'm not saying that if you're down, you're undeserving. Julie and I just happen to love differently and, remember, this is my response. I just wonder if it's foolish. I give, I give, I give, and yes, I can be difficult, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve someone who will truly love me. I want a man who has the same qualities as I - pride in himself, self-respect, handle his own business, manage his affairs, be on top with day to day situations, motivation, high self-esteem, drive, and charisma and can love me and my dog. I do. But I also understand things happen, life happens, and we get knocked off our wagon for a while. So then my list of expectations gets shorter. Is that where I falter? Then, he needs to have self-pride/respect, motivation, drive, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to get back on top, to be able to love me through all his stife, and to be able to love and respect my dog. Is that so bad? Apparently it is. It's not enough for me to be strong and loving. No, I have to be perfect all the time and so does my dog. I can't lose a job, have my car break down, have an imperfect body. Is it not enough to have a girl who's happy with who she is? No, it's too much to ask, even though I've asked for nothing short of the basic fundamentals in life... I've become closed to boys for this reason. One day, I hope.

Maybe the consequences of my trusting and loving too fast has made me a little closed, a little unapproachable, and a little too aware of peoples motives. Maybe it's caused me to not trust. I also don't see it as a bad thing because if someone really wants to get in my life, they can. I just need to stay closed a little longer, and they need to try harder. I think it's fair.So, what I am really saying (or we -Julie and I - she's the originator of the topic) is that I am not hard to get to know. However, I don't need to waste my time on people who aren't going to give me what I need, treat me how I should be treated, or not take pride in themselves and who they are, to rise and be phenomenal. Once I let you in, I'll be the greatest thing that ever happened to you. Count on it. Unlike others, I don't fail the people I love. Just don't let me down.