Friday, January 14, 2011

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, January 14th, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

The President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Sarah said that she resented being identified as part of the problem. And then she said we’d have to excuse her, she had to work on her agenda of guns on demand, no health care for the insane and casting the President as a foreign enemy.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

She [Sarah Palin] has now agreed to be the keynote speaker next month at a hunter’s convention in Las Vegas. Uh, Siegfried and Roy, if you’re listening, I would put those tigers in an undisclosed location.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, … they applauded Obama's speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he'd better be a homeless guy, begging for change.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Ted Williams, who was unknown a week ago and then became a celebrity and already he’s been subpoenaed, been detained by police and checked into rehab. Or as it’s known here in Hollywood, "the full Lohan."

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

The idea behind this is to get it down to a one-page mortgage shopping sheet, so you can actually see what the price is and can make comparisons, a two-page credit card agreement. It’s to try to end the days of word barf, you know, on the page.

In the consumer area, let’s just be real clear, the big problem on these financial problems is, there’s no cop on the beat. The game has entirely been, you put all the words you want, you write the fine print, you do it your way, and whatever you can shoot and skin, belongs to you.

- Elizabeth Warren

Why not have a discussion about mental health or gun control, which this had something to do with?

- James Carville regarding the shootings in Arizona

I‘d like to see a better linkage between the gun control stuff we have now and the crazy-filter. Because if you look at Virginia Tech and you look at this guy, it is too easy for mentally ill people to get guns; because there’s no mental screening anymore.

- Mike Murphy

There’s ten “birthers” in the House of Representatives. So they ask the Speaker, they said, do you believe Obama was born in the United States? He said, I do. And they say, so what about these ten people? He said, it’s not my job to tell them what to do. Of course that’s your job! You have a whip. You have a majority leader. You crack people into line. You go to them and you say, you’re an embarrassment to the Republican Party.

- James Carville

I am watching this show backstage, the first show of your ninth season, and if you’ve lost anything, it’s minimal.

- Martin Short to Bill Maher

That could be seen as a back-handed compliment,

- Bill Maher

No, no. It isn’t. I mean, I think it’s safe to say that you are a genius. Really. Not particularly true, but safe.

- Martin Short

And you look great. Boyish. Always boyish. At first I thought you were Rachel Maddow when I came out here.

- Martin Short to Bill Maher

New Rule: If your movie doesn't contain any actual "history" you can't get mad when they won't show it on The History Channel. The History Channel, which just pulled its Kennedy miniseries because too much of it was just made up. Listen, if you don't want to get in trouble for fabricating, next time just call them the Shmemmedys. Schmack and Schmobby Shmemmedy, and Shmack's glamorous wife, Shmackie. And little brother, Shmed, who drove off a bridge at Shmappaquiddick.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics - "Dancing with the Stars", and now prison, somebody must tell him: there are easier ways to have sex with men.