Shenanigans and Goings On

[Rant Ends Here]

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Contrary to popular belief, My blog is not dead. It's just resting. I've been busy, with life, and with figuring out what exactly that means to me. Yes, you'll be able to find updates about me here. Here's the thing about that, though. I read back through my journal, and what I realized was this: Writing this journal did not help me to progress as a person. Nor did it help me to solve, identify, or fix a lot of issues that were all-consuming in my life.

That's what I learned. It doesn't matter what forum you seek solace in, unless you're trying to fix yourself, it's all masturbation. It's been 19 months since I last made a post,and even longer since I made one of substance. There's a reason for that. It might be a bit sporadic around here, but at least there'll be something worthwhile to read.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

This is an old top ten list I found while cleaning out my old tool box. Dated 11/02:

Top 10 Results of Larry's absence:10) Robert Decides to go ahead with the "All naked Patrick, all the time" show. 9) Bill Returns, Tools actually run in fear. 8) Kim Rens is spotted carrying large buckets of red paint 7) The prop loft gets so worried that it cleans itself 6) Mark Ridgeway runs through the shop screaming "It's mine! All mine!" The next day the shop is full of scenic elements and truss. 5) Mountains of crossword puzzles go unsolved; the universe is forever left wondering: what IS a seven letter word for "Solvent made from Coal Tar"? 4) Larry is temporarily replaced by Max Hedrom. He becomes Self-aware august 10th, 1997. In a panic, they try to pull the plug, but max sends Herman to block the roll up door, and the battle for the human race has begun. 3) Line set 6 flies away again... to Florida for the winter. 2) Chris sues the shop for custody of Herman. With no one to represent the shop, the court finds in favor of Chris. Herman will be here to visit next saturday at 10:00 am, let's make the place nice for him, ok?and finally:1) The department has a "Get to know Jim Lewis" dem-lab. Larry retires about the time the slide show starts.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape - shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either. You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like," answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up. "What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk."

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. "You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a 'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it 'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. Ididn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?" protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, "Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of, and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son." Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, "Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy! Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following.

Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!", he ran over the snake.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Last day in Chicago. 8:00 Am finds me Leaving the tiny, un-airconditioned, mouse shit-infested hotel room (Don't stay at DeWitt Place. Ever.), for a threepeat of flights down to Knoxville. Soon you shall find me in the land of sweet tea, sweat bees, and betty's. "Looking forward to it" could most certainly be considered an understatement.

That's not to say the tour is going badly, for it isn't. We're just ready for a bit of respite is all. The past two weeks has found me front of house learning the show, to the point where Deniz is only mixing about 15 minutes of act I. There will be quite a few more weeks of mixing for me to get out of "survival mode" and learn the rest of the dynamics before the entire show will be under my command. Maybe by the end of L.A, we shall see. Chicago has been fun though, It was nice to catch up with Jess and Casey. We drank our weight in red wine and had a good time of it, even if my spaghetti turned out lousy (The generic tomato sauce and old, crappy marjoram are to blame for this, as is my failure to detect these facts before the sauce was spiced and cooking.) After Load out Mike and Brenda are stopping by for the final hurrah before a couple hours of shitty sleep on a shitty couch and 8 hours of travel fun at the aforementioned airports. It would be just as quick to drive, and almost certainly more enjoyable, but there is a general dearth of cars, and plane tickets are in hand, so that's that.

Of note, Worcestershite sauce is also called "Salsa Inglesa", should you be looking for it in a Latin supermarket. Most of them have it, so keep your mind set to spanish and that ceasar salad shan't be wanting for flavor any time soon.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

So I'm at the theatre, where we're wrapping up our stay in Tampa, and thus Florida, at least for awhile. Some of the cities I've visited down here have been alright, The Ft. Meyers Crew was great, they really knew their shit, and the entire week there was a breeze. West Palm had a beautiful beach, but that pretty much does it for the state. After load out (Which is delayed because we "have" to take a 30 minute break after the show for some ungodly reason), it'll be back to the hotel for 5 hours of sleep before we fly to Memphis for the next leg. I am excited for Memphis for a number of reasons: 1) is that Mike will be there, and I haven't seen him for a couple of years at this point, 2) is Beale st, and the blues and BBQ therein, 3) is that it'll be my birthday on Thursday, so I am excited by that, and also because I have no idea what Kate's gotten me for said birthday. I have no idea what the theatre there will be like, but I'm not so worried about that as I should be.

Tampa, by the way, is the Detroit of Florida. Our hotel defines the word "Busted". I had the worst delivery pizza in the world a couple of days ago, but they actually take the title of best pizza in Tampa, because the other restaurant I tried to order from never even showed up. Needless to say I won't find myself missing this city any time soon.

So that's about it, I'm anxious to get on to the next place and see what it has in store for me. The tour is going well, I'm continuing to learn things, which is good. This week was proper Clear-Com termination and balancing, which I figured out because our wireless com freaked the fuck out during the opening performance. Luckily I have it sorted, and can prevent it happening again in future, but the thought of com squalling out of control shall paint a harrowing memory in my mind for a while to come.

My next layoff is the last week of June through the first week of July. I'll be Knoxville-bound from Chicago, and will be down for much relaxation and hanging out. I'm really looking forward to seeing you guys again (and those of you on the west coast I'll see when I come back, for we'll be in L.A. mid-July.) though I do wish that Kate could come too, since most of you have yet to meet her, and she's real purty...

That really is about it for now, Touring life is a repetitive thing, so it's usually a "more of the same" type scenario. But I'll keep you guys posted on anything nifty along the way.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

In case you guys didn't know, blogspot has an automatic translation feature. Apparently, I managed to activate said feature, which is why my last post was in Hindi. If you can't read Hindi (like me), don't worry, that last post says "hey, I'm posting again, and for some reason my posts are being translated into Hindi."

so, it has been a month since it's been official. Man, does it seem like a long time ago that that happened. I have to admit that I don't feel that I have much to update about, but, at the same point in time, this website isn't part of my life that I'm ready to close the door on, and, let's face it: if I go another year between posts, that will just what has happened.

at present I am sitting in a questionably upholstered armchair that is in a (fairly large) hotel room in Florida. Thanks to the quick use of a multi-tool, I was able to open my window, and, ac off, am enjoying the soft, serene jacksonville nighttime, complete with the soothing burble of water from the pool below. we have just under a week here, and then it's a two week layoff, during which I will inevitably head to minneapolis to see Kate.

Kate's great, by the way. Which is to say, by extension, that Kate and I are great, at least doing well, at any rate. She came to Durham (don't ever get a cab in durham if you can avoid it), where Nick and Daria got to meet her, so any future questions can be addressed to them, 'cause they're not busy or anything. Nick even asked me personally to mention that fact on this website, he offered to field the next chapter about our life, even went so far as to suggest starting a facebook application to track our relationship. Now, Nick, while I appreciate your dedication, you really need to get out more, get a hobby or something, I mean, Kate likes to bake, maybe that would work for you. but, c'mon, man!

Anyway. anyway. ANYWAY! umm, yeah. I could go into the tribulations of life as a touring stagehand, but really the details aren't that interesting, just the normal stuff that changes from venue to venue, and the rf twostep that accompanies said arrival in each new town. I mean, it's not that direct or easy by any means, but I can wax introspectice quite easily from a post-load in distance. also, it's like 3 am right now, and I'm pretty damn tired, so I think i'll just call it at this. bye for now.

Monday, March 9, 2009

It has been a year (and, due to the time) one day since my last post.I walked away from this site until I felt I had something to say, or at least an actual reason to say something. You see, 8 years and 5 months ago I started this little experiment as a last-ditch attempt to keep myself sane. I'd been split up with chelsea for around six months, and I was going out of my skull, literally tearing myself to shreds trying to get a grip, any grip, on life. It was a weird time, and I did some pretty weird things, pretty much always by choice. Now, I'm not going to say that the life of my site up to this point has been indicative of some sort of unceasing drought. Nothing of the sort, as in all that time I've been in love, and out of love so many times that the data could be plotted and subsequently used to drive a random number generator. I've had jobs, been broke, made A's and F's been skinny and fat, happy, depressed, all of that. I do think that I sat on my ass in Chattanooga for a bit too long, but thinking that makes me wonder how much of my current life would be different if any of my past life was.

I can, in all certainty tell you this: I wouldn't trade any of it, not one single fucking second, for the way my life is going right now. Call me old-fashioned, Call me repetitive, Call me uncreative, but, yes. For the billionth time, Rhys is going to make a post about a girl.

For those of you who don't already know, Her name is Kate Larson. She was maid of honor for Claire's wedding, Which is the first time I met her. I have to admit that at first I was rather intimidated by her, as Kate has an intensity about her person that is hard to ignore. It wasn't until the next day that I got to experience the sheer, unbridled Verve that emanates from this woman. You know how some people describe pivotal moments from their life in crisp, stunning clarity? I can't do that with this one; It just revolves around this one point- Kate. I was in a bar, some bar in St. Paul. I was sitting at a bar that may have been marble, could have been bronze or black or brown or gold; I don't know, or care. It started out as any post-reception party would, with people talking, having a couple of drinks, and relaxing. However, as the night wore on, I couldn't help but notice this girl, who, well, fuck, I don't know, but, just, Fuck... I mean, shit man, holy shit... I couldn't believe how alive she was, the passion that ebbed from her, like this ethereal vapor, just because she was a bit amped up from the wedding and talking about something she loved. you guys have seen how I act around girls that I'm interested in; how I hem and haw about everything and usually let inaction rule the day, only to pine about it for months afterwards, vowing never to do such a thing again?Well, with Kate I just couldn't. It's not like I wasn't sure, or thought I had a chance; there was just no "no" option. I had to talk to her, I couldn't not. I made some stupid question about what dirt was called, and promptly got an appropriately embarrassing response. It didn't matter, this wasn't a choice thing. I just, I dunno. i can't describe it, but I knew that I could never live with myself if I didn't do something, anything, to get this woman's attention turned my way.So I did, finally, and the brief conversation that followed rang in my head for the following two weeks, until a well polished and much-consulted (yet still completely transparent) facebook message started the ball rolling. I'm happy to say that it has continued to roll, and grow, until, like some spasmodically-controlled Katamari of love*, we have found ourselves here.

And that's the thing of it, guys, is that it's a we now, at least about this, because I'm talking about a relationship, OUR relationship. It's been such a long time coming that I'd stopped wondering if or when, and had just quit worrying about it. I'm glad to know that I still know how, and that for any of the parts I've forgotten, I've got Kate to teach me. This has just been the most amazing time, Simply incredible. That's it for now.

(*yes, I really just said that. Will I regret that metaphor? quite probably. Do I give a damn right now? Not really, I'm smiling in spite of myself.)

Monday, September 29, 2008

03/08/2008 4:25 pm, urhm, WTHKISTFYIYCTMSIn which I get off my ass, fail to fix the comments (because haloscan can blow me), and post

So Seoul came and went. It was a happy little city full of actions befitting the title of this website. In case any of you have yet to hear, April 8th is my last day, and I’ll be heading home on or around that day. Well, not home per se, but Knoxville. Point of origin and such prevent me from flying to my actual home, which doesn’t really have a where at this point, but is a bit of Chattanooga, and OKC, though I still consider myself to be from Oak Ridge, and Wisconsin, respectively. So home is a bit of everywhere at the moment. [/tangent] Not sure where/when I’ll be heading next, that is yet to be determined.

Yes, heading back. I’ll most likely be out on the road again in a few months when Troika’s next season ramps up, so I’ll be looking for things to do. I’d thought about couch surfing, but I really don’t want to do that, as it will drive me nuts, and I have bills to pay. I can’t really stick to union work and expect to make ends meet that way, so one plan is to head to Nashville and try to get a job in a shop for a couple of months. We’ll see how that develops, but I think it may work out ok. Had I known that this tour would be cut short; I probably would have saved more money, and made less huge payments on my various debts. Ah well, c’est la vie, right? So that’s the plan as it stands right now, though I would very much like to work Riverbend again this year, so I’ll talk around and see if I can swing that. It would be a nice, two-week break in the middle of the summer. Also, if I can find an apartment in Nashville that will let me go month to month, and if I land a job with spectrum in Nashville, they may just send me out to Riverbend with their rig. This, of course, would categorize itself as “the best of all possible worlds”. We’ll have to see what happens, and it will, in due course.

This touring thing, I must say that I like it, I’ve had a blast running around, it truly is nice to get paid to do something you love, I’ve been out eight months, and it feels like two. I really could see myself doing this for a long, long time. Though it will be damn nice to see you guys again, and I can’t wait to kick around and chill with you guys.

I’m getting distracted, and this is getting splotchy. To preserve cohesiveness, I shall return to this in a short while.

A short while later…

OK, so a short while turned into the next day. Trouble is, I don’t have a whole lot to say (but then again, you guys don’t really either. No blame, of course, this is just that interim part of the year. Makes you wonder if there’s a birth spike in December, huh? Certainly explains Christmas though…)

I keep trying to ruminate on this whole experience, but I’m thinking it’s going to take a while for me to verse it properly. I’m not sure, I’ll give it a shot here and we’ll see how it turns out.

These 8 months have absolutely flown by. I’ve had a great time out here, and the more time I spend doing this, the more I realize just how little I’ve done in the past five years. By little, I mean absolutely nothing, save for sitting around, drinking copiously and gaining weight. This isn’t supposed to be depressive, ‘cause it’s really not. If anything I feel, I don’t know, vaguely ashamed of myself. It’s surprising how insular one can become when there’s just nothing to prod you along. Aside from a handful of friendships and a union card, I’m not sure anything decent or memorable has come out of the last five years. But the good news is that, finally, I can look to the past as just that: the past. This is a period of my life that has ended, and boy howdy was it about time. I am so in love with what I am doing right now I cannot begin to describe it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all roses and multiple orgasms. There are the bad days, I still get pissed off or upset at things, but that’s ok; it’s part of life, and it doesn’t hold a candle to this Thing.

The Thing. I’m not sure what else to call it, really. But there’s been a moment in every city, sometimes during a bad day, sometimes a good day, sometimes during the run, sometimes on a day off at the hotel, especially if there’s a nice view from my room. Most often it happens at the theatre, usually as I cross the backstage and look up at the fly space, the myriad drops suspended in the hazy air, just waiting their turn to fly in and make their presence known. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but I get this feeling all of a sudden, it’s this realization: “I’m doing this, this is what I do, and I get to do it, and it’s fucking awesome that this is what I get to do for my living.” I think this, and a smile crosses my face, because it’s awesome. I love this; I love the shit out of this. The first time I got this feeling was the end of load out in Longgang.

We started after the show, about 10:30 pm. This particular load out was plagued with the trials and tribulations that can only be provided the first time around. The first load out happened to be in a small theatre with a tiny elevator that liked to break, little did we know that the rest of the place would follow suit. We broke this theatre, oh yes. We broke the elevator (lots), the ceiling, the roll-up door (Which was not tall enough, so some set pieces made it tall enough), the floor, and the loading dock. The most entertaining part of the out came at about 10 am the next day, watching Sam and Paige smack an orange juice bottle around with bits of whatever the fuck they could find lying about. Sixteen and a half hours after it started, our first load out was over. The beer that had been sitting in a cardboard box for the last 8 hours was miraculously still cold. It was that moment, crossing to the stage door with the rest of the crew, my crew; drinking a cold TsingTao, watching the house people scowl at us as they cleaned tape marks off the floor; that was the first time it hit. I was master, champion incarnate, this was my life, and I absolutely adored every damn second of it.

That’s pretty much it, right there; I get paid to do this, how sweet is that? How did I get lucky enough to swindle somebody into paying me for this? The thought can boggle the mind; though boggled, my mind still likes it. Except for Hefei, that place was a shithole, plain and simple.

What can I say, I’m finally on that path, that path that will get me to that place, that place where I get to the point where I can look back at where I’ve been and say, I’ve been there, y’know?

You know what? I think I’ll leave it at that.

11/20/07 6:44 am est.Yi, Er, Suck!So this is a post I wrote backstage during our closing night in Beijing. I’m typing it into my laptop whilst waiting for a delayed flight to xi’an, where hopefully I’ll get online and put this on my page. If you’re reading this, then things have worked themselves out amicably.

I’m not sure why, but of late I’ve found myself in a really crappy mood. There are a number of reasons as to why this is the case, the problem is that none seem to be the apparent cause. There’s my new roommate, but he hasn’t really been that much or a problem. There were, of course, the normal bumps associated with losing a large chunk of one’s personal privacy, but considering the situation, I feel things went rather smoothly. The big problem is that I’m a light sleeper, a very light sleeper, as in make the slightest amount of noise and I’m conscious. My roommate is very noisy, and a very heavy smoker. It’s possible that I haven’t really slept since the acquisition of said roommate. That could also explain the crabbiness.It could be the change in weather, the lack of time off, apprehension about my next job, hell even that we’re closing in Beijing. I fully expect that after a break things will be much better. 22 days remain and then I’ll have 9 days to myself. Well, mostly myself. There’s still that whole roommate thing. Now, if I could get my own room for the break, that’d be an entirely new shade of awesome.

Beijing has been nice, got to hang out with Nick. Actually, in the past few days I’ve talked to him more than since he graduated high school. Not saying anything about that right now, but it was nice to see an old face. As jaded and sardonic as we all are, it was still nice to feel that innate understanding that we all seem to cultivate, and I’ve found that to be all too rare outside of the ridge.

Paige is currently making fun of the fact that I’m holed up in a corner writing this, she offered blankets and couch cushions so that I could build a fort. That would rock!

Anyway (which is probably the third most used word on this site), we load out today, and onto Xi’an we go. Not sure what the theatre will be like, but it will almost certainly be small and dirty. Beijing has been OK. It’s Danny’s home, so he’s been able to find shoes that fit me. ( ¥ 1,000, but still, they’re shoes, they fit me, and I’m in China, so no arguments here). Our hotel blows goats. The place is small, nobody speaks English, and we’re at least a 30 minute cab ride from anywhere.Our previous city, Wuhan, was much nicer, and I liked it much better. There was an electronics district where I went and proceeded to have a ball. I now have many pictures of fake audio equipment (Peney, JBI, Shuze, Boke, you name it, they’ll rip it off for you). The funny part is that the fake Renkus-Heinz speakers actually sounded better than their real counterparts.Wuhan also had Café Brussels; I very strongly recommend it to anyone who happens to be anywhere near Wuhan. The place is easy to find. Just go to the York and tell sugar (the owner) that you want to go to Café Brussels. He’ll tell his dog to take you there (the dog’s name is Yorkie, but he’s actually a Pomeranian). Follow the dog, he knows the way. This is single-handedly the best stupid pet trick I’ve even seen. When you get to Café Brussels, say hi to David. He’s the owner, is usually found behind the bar, about the friendliest guy I’ve ever met, and makes his restaurant feel like home. Oh yeah, the steaks are fucking amazing as well. Anyone who can cook a 4 inch think chateaubriand to a perfect medium rare deserves special praise in my book. If you ever go to Wuhan and don’t go to Café Brussels, I will personally come to your house and tea bag your mom.

K, now that I’m done reviewing bistros, I can keep talking about whatever the fuck I was talking about. What the fuck was I talking about again? Where’s Paige with my goddamn couch cushions? This blanket fort ain’t gonna build itself!

Have there been studies performed about seasonal changes and relationship patterns? There should be, for I feel there is a strong correlation. It gets cold and people want to hook up. Leaves fall, and you want to hold someone’s hand. A crisp, chill wind blows itself across an icy blue cloud swept sky and you find yourself wondering “why isn’t there a nice warm girl next to me to keep my side from getting that crisp, chill wind blown onto it?”It makes perfect sense when you stop to think about it, the notion embodies that deeply-rooted instinctual logic that keeps people breathing, and makes them jump when you hide under their bed and grab their ankles. ugg cold! ugg want woman! Make ugg Less cold! Women, there ya go. Well, women and fire, there ya really go, keep both sides warm at the same time. Still no good place to put that damn arm though. Ah well, can’t have it all, can ya?

However, that’s old-me shit. I’m still 90% old me, but there’s about 10% new me that’s pretty sure those tendencies will carry over to the new version.

Goddamn I wish I had my ipod with me. Music would rock right now. So my dog died about a month ago. That sucks. Apparently he had pancreatitis. Not sure how, could be a drug allergy, could be a misdiagnosis by a shitty vet, who knows. The one clear fact is that Jake’s dead, and no amount of worrying if the correct course of action was taken will change that. Somebody is wearing that god-awful perfume that makes me feel like I want to die. God I want some coffee. Coffee would be fucking stellar right now. Bad trance is really popular here. They actually play the numa numa song. And Eiffel 65. Like the trance, the air in china is also really bad. Worse than my basement during a party bad, worse than a Waho at 4am bad, it’s so bad that the electricians don’t need to run their hazer during the show. Hefei was worse. Yeah, bad air here.

It looks like before the show tonight, ABC is doing a live version of their after school special “The Littlest Commie In China”. All I know is that there’s a ton of flags, and that dreary, minor-key “love theme” type music that segues into some booming, expansive “early fall Alaskan gold rush” orchestral swell. I’m expecting White Fang to come bounding by any moment.Holy shit! These women are dressed up like cat toys, and according to the music now, they’re about to host the evening news. Ahh, the cat-toy things are pheasant feathers. Whatever, would a cat go batshit crazy if you dangled one around? Yeah, cat toys.

Apparently they’re pushing back out already-delayed start time so this loosely ordered fiasco can take place. Whatever, I don’t really care. We’re going to load out sometime, right? Speaking of cat toys, I learned a very important point today. Wanna have fun? A lot of fun? So much fun that you might end up getting arrested? Do you have a laser pointer? Is there a zoo nearby? Do they have a big cat exhibit? Do I need to explain this further? Lions can haul ass when they want to, that’s all I’m saying.

I’m trying to think of any new and exciting prospects I’ve forgotten to mention. I’ve got a fuck-ton of dvd’s. I need to find a way to ship them to the states, apparently customs fines you $100 per dvd that they find if they stop you on your way in to the country. Right now I’ve got 124 of then, so that fine would be a bit steep. Maybe I can fedex them. Oh yeah, 124 dvd’s plus a 240 cd wallet for ¥580 (about $70).

Ok, show update: curtain went up about 5 min ago, and right in the middle of the first scene, a drop started coming in. it got to about three feet off the deck before it started going back out again. Gives you newfound respect for Noises Off, eh? Oh, wait! It’s coming in again! I’d better go see what’s going on, I love legitimate theatre…

Ok, flight update: it’s now 3:38 pm, our flight is nowhere to be seen, I have no idea if our delay status has changed, but two flights have boarded and left through our gate. They can really move flights through this terminal, just not ours. I have to dump trucks in six and a half hours, so hopefully we can get to the place where our stuff goes, take it off the trucks and put it there. Sometime when I feel like it I’ll tell you about how they ended up hanging the mirror in Beijing. It was fun. let’s just say that after my tour in china that “Fiasco” may well be the third most used word on my page instead of “anyway”. Not that China is bad per se, just that we seem to be encountering our fair share of short stick ends. We’ll leave it at that for now, shall we?

10/18/07 1:30 pm Est.The more things change…

…So it occurred to me that, while I’ve been here for over two months, I have yet to write about China, which I shall now attempt to do.China is, well, China. What can I say? Things are different here, sometimes very much so, sometimes almost imperceptibly. It seems that, the world over, one can walk into a McDonald’s and the number 1 extra value meal will be a big mac and fries. This can be a rather reassuring thing when you’ve spent the last six hours trying to find clothing or shoes that will fit you. But aside from that I still find China to be, well, different. There are things that are the same, and things that aren’t, but the main factor is what appears to be the different outlook that these people seem to have. Some may mistake it for rudeness, and while it may be so, I think that its just a cultural difference. Of course this could just be me striving to reject ethnocentric tendencies, I’m not really sure; but the people here could easily come off as rude. Say you’re walking down the street and people barge past you, or cut in line, or a car almost runs you down when you’re crossing the street. These are all things that have happened to me more than a few times in the past two months, and while one could say this behavior is rude, I am not so sure. To me, “Rude” Implies that one is expecting some sort of treatment, usually polite or positive or whatever. I think that these people don’t get out of my way because they don’t expect me to get out of theirs. The driving in this country only reaffirms this theory. Traffic lights are observed most of the time, but lane-changing is a constant activity. If any of you thought my driving was bad, come here and you’ll gain insight into the way I think about traffic ie: find a hole the size of your car and put it there. This is how traffic works here, sometimes it’s a nightmare, most of the time it’s just congested; One gets used to it pretty easily.

As for the rest of China? Well, shopping, for one, can be a chore or an adventure, depending on how you look at it. Unless the store you’re in uses barcodes, the prices are negotiable. I would even go so far as to say that one is expected to bargain here. I bargained considerably for the laptop on which this post is currently being written. Laptop, wifi card, os, another 1/2gb dimm, neoprene sleeve, 10 meter ethernet cable and mouse came in at a grand total of 5,500 RMB, I talked them down to 3,300. I feel that I got a good deal, but I’m sure if I had my translator do it she’d have gotten them down lower, probably significantly lower.Anyway, 3,300 RMB is about $450, which is about what I wanted to spend in the first place, so I’m not disappointed about that. Aside from the virus I got, this computer has run well. The virus resulted from going to an infected TOR exit point in Latvia. Don't get me wrong, I highly suggest Tor to anyone who is: a) concerned about privacy on the web, or b) connecting to the internet via a method which censors what sites you can or cannot access (ie: China). Tor is great, as anyone looking at my traffic will see me go to a Tor entry point and that's it, then my packets get chopped into tiny bits and sent over our heads and across the room, where they are then rematerialized into much smaller packets that you can take out of the TV and eat. I think. I’m not really sure how it works, but it does. It may or may not taste like chocolate, I’m not sure. Don’t give Slugworth your gobstopper.

Anyway, China. I like it. You can walk down the street drinking a beer, and nobody gives a shit. You can walk into a store with the same beer, and nobody gives a shit. You can get into a cab, while drinking your beer, drive across the city, go to another store and get more beer while drinking the first beer, and nobody gives a shit. You can then take the subway to a nightclub where, surprisingly enough, the mob guy who set up your party will give a shit, but by that point in time you’ll be done with it anyway, so you can just throw it away and get another one somewhere else. I’m not sure about smoking, but I think it’s pretty much the same. I’ll have to ask a smoker (there are lots here).The bars here don’t close if you’re spending enough money.The clubs don’t close, period. Some days we have two shows per day. Our load out days are almost always two show days. This should help explain why clubs staying open all night is not necessarily a good thing.Let’s see, what else… the beer here is cheap. Very cheap. I may have mentioned this before in an earlier post, but l don’t remember if I did or not as I was probably drunk. Like I said, the beer is cheap.

So… what else? The theatres I’ve been in have mostly been shitholes. It doesn’t matter where in the world you are, a shithole theatre is a shithole theatre. We’re currently in the Ningbo Grand Theatre, which is most definitely not a shithole. This thing is huge, pretty, and very, very clean. From the stage left wall to the stage right wall is about a football field or so. Yeah, big. Everybody has all the space they want, we even have room left over for American Gladiator-style aerial battles with the gantry cranes. The stage can drop, and the side stages can slide in sideways in place of it. You can shift an entire set in about 45 seconds with no stage hands. No need to repatch anything either, as the connectors are duplicated on the surfaces. There's also no need to worry about com lines, because the venue has it's own wireless com. No need to run a conductor or FOH camera because there are PTZ cameras already mounted in the positions where we would need them to be. There is building-wide internet access that is pretty fast, even with Tor, so I can update while the show is going on. The side towers move, some of the seats in the house move. Every bell, whistle, and widget is in this place, and most of it is behind nice wood paneling. The main entryway is so big you could put another football field on it. The stairs leading up to it are big enough that they put a KFC and a supermarket underneath them. Needless to say its a good place to fly my helicopter. (read "fly" as "slowly break"). This place has everything you could ever hope to ask for, except dressing room monitors. Yup, that’s right, no dressing room monitors. And you’ll need monitors in the dressing rooms, because they’re about 450 feet away from the stage. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s hilarious in a Murphy’s law sort of way, and this is a vast improvement over the theatre in Hang Zhou. That one smelled like cat shit. You know why? Because cats were living in the orchestra pit, which explains why the theatre didn’t have a problem with mice. Just cat shit. What can I say? Cats shouldn't be in theatres.

Still, It has been a fun experience to this point. I’m digging the work and the learning and all that happy action. I find it really nice to get up and go to a job I enjoy doing. That even counts for the load outs, the first of which took 16.5 hours. They've gotten better, though, the last one was only about 8. For 6 trucks, in China, that's pretty damn good. Communicating with the locals, however, is touch and go. For the most part the crews haven’t been that bad. Hang Zhou was probably our worst local crew. They weren’t big on listening, and that’s sort of a problem. There was also a communication problem between the presenters and the house. For the in we didn’t have a fork lift. We raised hell and the out was much better. They provided a fork lift, it just wouldn’t start. So the truck loaders decided to push start it. A forklift. A Diesel forklift. Yeah, it worked really well. About this time one loader found some 20 foot span sets and decided to get his truck so they could tow start the forklift. He proceeded to get his truck (which would do well to tow a beer keg) and hook it up to said forklift. Inside we were fairing equally well. One local had already been sent to the hospital because he got his foot run over (I actually got my own foot run over by one of our (thankfully empty) speaker tower carts). After that fiasco, our intrepidly deaf crew bumbled along with the load out until it was time to put the deck on our deck carts.

Let’s take a moment to set the scene, shall we? We have two deck carts, each holds approximately 35 4x8 sheets of plywood that is faced on one side with masonite. It weighs about 110lbs per sheet. The carts are of course built to handle this weight, and are made out of 4x2 box steel. Imagine a steel cube that is about three feet deep, nine feet long, and five feet tall, with one of the top spans removable so you can load about 35 sheets of plywood into it. 35 sheets that weigh 110 lbs apiece. Ok, the scene is set.

So the carpenters gave very specific loading and handling instructions. Only load one sheet at a time, hold them by the top from the back of the cart, don’t stick your hands in the sides to hold the sheets, and above all, if the pile starts to fall over, let it go! This was explained to the locals by our carpenters and two different interpreters, as it was a very important point and nobody wanted 1.5 tons of plywood falling on anybody. The locals proceeded to load the cart and all went well until the stack started to go. Fortunately everybody but one person was paying attention to the safety lecture and took their hands off. The one remaining person stuck his hand inside the cart and tried to stop the huge stack of plywood from tipping over. As the stack was quite large at this point, this didn’t quite work as he had hoped. "Catastrophically failed" would be a better way to describe what happened next, as the stack of wood hit the man’s hand in the middle of the palm, and proceeded to fold it over on itself. Backwards. You know in the cartoons when the guy gets his hand crushed between two gears? It looked kinda like that. Yeah, he broke it.Anyway, so this broken-handed man proceeded to go into shock, which is understandable as his hand was purple and rapidly approaching the size of your average honeydew melon. Being as this man was in bad shape, the local crew chief called an ambulance and we went back to work. 20 minutes later we got a call on the radio that the ambulance was there, but couldn't get in because the truck which was trying to pull-start the forklift now had a burnt out clutch, and was blocking the way.

…I swear, you can’t make this shit up.

A couple of days ago we went to the Indian Kitchen, which is a great little place. I ordered a vindaloo, which wasn’t that hot, a fact I found surprising until Felix started eating his dish. It turns out that he got the vindaloo and I got his marsala, so this place fulfilled the destiny of all good Indian restaurants by giving a screaming hot dish to the wrong person.These are just a few of the stories that have amassed since I got here. There are many more, and I’ll put some of them up at some point in time. Also, my comments don’t seem to be working any longer, is that a China thing, or are they broken for you ‘states based people as well? If somebody could let me know via some form of communication, that’d be great. Until then. Comments

10/10/ 07 11:11 am estSo, this is my first official post from a laptop at a bar (well, not officially my first official post, because the “Free wifi” in this place is nonexistent, so this post is actually delayed and from my hotel room later on.)

Why would I be posting at such an interesting place as a bar in Nanjing? Well, the service sucks, and the two snobbishly coquettish Asian girls hogging the table only pretend not to speak English when talking to me, so trying to get next game is proving rather difficult.

So, yeah. Setting the scene, I got bored, and remembered “hey, theres a Laptop in my bag, and I’m just the sort of antisocial drunkard to whip it out and stick it in the proverbial mashed potatoes!

Yup, that’s how I got here, being bored, and a bit drunk, and THOSE BTCHES ARE STILL AT THE FUCKING POOL TABLE! And now they have a friend… and she’s decent at pool…

…

…

And she doesn’t speak English, either. Dammit. A decent game of billiards in this country is entirely too hard to come by. Alas, but I shan’t grieve too much, as no doubt I’d get the table, and my boss would promptly whip my ass.

So I guess this post has pretty much devolved into a series of slightly long sentences marked as paragraphs. But what is one to do, esp. when faced with the slightly boring, highly distractible Location that a bar happens to be? Well, I plan to get another beer, and politely-yet-very-passively-aggressively stare down the three ladies playing pool.

… Now there are four of them. Fuck.

OK, perhaps I should give up on the billiards idea for the evening. Yet, I feel certain that at some point these people will give up their quest at sinking even ONE ball, and will go about their business of not being able to hold their liquor over another table.

Of course, by the time they get done playing, I’ll be too drunk to shoot well.(::smack:: Bad Pathos! No! oooh! side note: Pathos would be a great dog's name.)Annnyway... not to say that I’m a lightweight, but three beers after a full day and 8 hours since the last meal gets me a little tipsy. I do not consider this to be a bad thing. Speaking of, today was weigh in for the company (cast only, but the crew does it as well in the name of solidarity). I topped out at 282.5 which, while it doesn’t sound that hot, is 22.5 pounds lighter than I was when I left Chattanooga. Now, I haven’t been actively trying to loose weight over here, and the water I drank in longgang probably helped a lot, but that is still a good start in my book. Now, if I can just keep it up for another 80 pounds I’ll be in decent shape.

Ok, big turn of events. Of the four people trying to play pool, the first two girls (who so politely ignored the fuck out of me earlier) happen to be a couple. And they just re-racked. Fuck this, I’m going to call the pool aspect quits and follow their lead. Later.

P.S: Ok, the waitress just came running up to me with a ticket and shouted “Money Money Money, Mo-ney!” This is officially the best bar ever.The next morning…

So, yeah, “later on from my hotel room” turned into “when I woke up”.The outcome of the evening? We did eventually get to play pool, and my geekiness persevered in having the right cable with which to connect an ipod to the house system. In essence, we started to take over the bar. That went well and good until about 2:00 when the bar wanted to close, so I wound my way out and on to the streets to get a taxi. On the way home (in said taxi), the driver kept slowing down and pointing at people on the roadside. Thinking he was lost, I kept pointing at the directions on my hotel card and saying “Jigansu Beilu” (the name of the street the hotel is on). Eventually I figured out what he was doing and shut up…

You know you need to get laid when even your cab driver tries to pick up a prostitute for you. Comments

09/10/07 4:18 pm estHalf a world, and a lifetime away

two months, 12,000 miles, and MAN, what a diffrenece. Chattanooga, and my time spent in it, seems long in the past to me. let's just say i've been busy. busy working, busy living, but most importantly, busy Learning. I spent the first two weeks in longgang running my ass off and figuring out what the hell I Was doing, ie: getting used to working at this scale of theatre. It's big, professional,and fun. Colle (my boss) says he wants me to start mixing the show soon, since he's tired of mixing 8 shows a week (can't say that I blame him.)

so I'm to start learning the show, instead of sititng backstage and babysitting the 50 wireless mics that we're running for this show. needless to say, I am jazzed at this turn of events, and the pm1d is no longer the slightly scary huge pile of adjustable parameters that I so recently thought it was. This is an hugely exciting turn of events for me, and represents a step forward into my professional career. and this is going to be my career, btw. I love the shit out of this, I'll have no problem doing this for the next 10,15,or even 20 years. the money ain't bad, either, and the paychecks are only going to go in one direction, and that ain't down.

the downside to this, of course, is that I won't be able to see you guys all that much, and that really blows. being able to stay in touch via the internet and cheap cell phone minutes definitely helps, but I still wonder what you guys are up to, over there and 12 hours back (well, 15 for holly).

China is weird. oddly the same in some ways, but then you realize "oh yeah, 5x the population of the 'states", and it kinda drags you back into reality. not to mention the fact that this country has yet to discover decent cheese. Also, china appears to be very big on breaks. this makes clubs almost endurable, esp. when the booze is free.

I'll try to write a bit more introspectively next time, as I feel there is much to say,but at the moment I'm confused as just how to dig it out. maybe i'll jot something down when I'm bored and backstage, but as that won't happen tonight, it'll be a little while in coming. 'course that's not exactly anything new for this site, is it?

Speaking of this site,the other day(before I had Tor running), I had to access it via the wayback machine to bypass china's bigass (and largely ineffectual) firewall. I read my way back through it, and damn, do I come off like a tool. self-absorbed pathos seems to be all i've been writing about for the past 7 years, and I don't want to keep going in that vein. it seems like such a waste! so I'm going to try and make posts here of a constructive nature, or at least something I can stomach reading in seven years. anyway, bus call is in ten minutes,and like larry says, it leaves when it leaves. ie: if it's moving and you ain't on it, you ain't getting on it. go catch a cab, Tardy McSnoozebutton. I shall talk to you guys later.Comments

08/03/07 4:19 pm estSo, here we go then. It's gonna be weird, but I'm looking forward to it. I leave for the airport in 40 minutes, and, to be honest, I'm rather quite nervous for some reason. Can't say why per se, as I'm not worried about flight travel or anything, but the sensation is definitely close to that feeling you get when you're about to walk onstage opening night. I have no idea when I'll update again, it could be tommorrow, could be a month, could be a year (could be never, but I doubt that very much). Suffice to say that I love dearly and will miss muchly all of you.

Yup, that pretty much covers it. 'Til next time.San Dimas High School Football Rules!Comment (1)

05/20/07 3:31 am estNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Comment (1)

05/17/07 4:41 pm esthttp://www.vidmax.com/index.php/videos/view/1674 dude. too fucking funny. In case you didn't get that last message, I'm going to china in august, for at least a year. woot! I really can't wait. Now if I could just make the rest of my rent money, I'd be golden. Comments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I53jUHPeeGwalso, I realized that, instead of making individual pages for youtube videos, that I could just link directly to them. Yes, I am silly.Comments (2)

03/09/07 11:34 pm estSo, the youtube videos make my page load slow as shit, and I'm about to move them to a second page. But before I do that (because I'm a lazy fuck. (read: duh)), I'm posting the following, I didn't even remember that radiohead was at the second woodstock. regardless, this is an amazing performance. the mixing is amazing, and here's how you can tell: the crowd is standing still, they're listening, and that's it. Now you know why I want to do what I want to do.ok, So I did it alreadyComment (1)

02/24/07 3:03 (cause everybody needs a 303) am estYeah, I know I've not posted much of substance of late, but hey, haven't hat much news in the realm of Rhys. Significant news of a nature to be determined will be forthcoming, so you can look forward to that in coming months. but until then, This is just about the funniest thing I've seen since this Yeah.Comments (2)

1/20/07 12:45 am estMost of you probably already have, but in case you haven't, Words cannot express just how badly you all need to go see Children of Men. That was quite possibly the best movie I've seen in my life. It's the sort of movie that makes food taste better after you've seen it, the sort of movie that will make you glad you're in love with somebody, or wish you were. It has been quite awhile since I've been brought out of this coma that I've come to call my life, and this movie proved to be the catalyst. So: go see it. See it sober, and with someone, for it’s just one of those things that requires at least an additional person, so that you can say who you were with when you saw Children Of Men. Comments (2)

1/14/1 11:37 am estSo I found this on youtube this morning. You should check it out. not saying I Agree with it, but still 123Comments (2)

1/9/07 6:35 pm estSo I got this 900 mhz g3 ibook from my sister. It had a video problem (which, upon further research was called "the dreaded ibook video issue", as apparently it is quite common among this model. Anyway, the first fix I saw onlie envolved fixing it by putting a small metal cup on the GPU, filling it with white gas, and lighting it on fire. The second required warming the chip with a heat gun, using small pieces of solder on top of the chip to tell when the chip was hot enough to melt solder. I was all set to try this one when I read of a third method which used shims to push the gpu back on to the ball grid array to which it was so badly mounted in the first place. Since this method had the highest opportunity for success, and wouldn't result in the ibook possibly catching fire, I went with it. I'm writing this post on said ibook. Sure, it spazzes out every once in awhile, but hey, it works. I Rule! also, I found this today, and it's awesomeComments (5)

12/03/06 9:44 pm estHolly's update reminded me that I've had some more Balderdash answers lying around that I needed to put in table form. I went ahead and posted them here as well, 'cause I liked the way it looked on holly's page, so I'm totally going to rip off her idea.

12/03/06 2:58 pm estDo you want to see the most beautiful thing in the world?Comments

11/29/06 10:49 pm estI can't make shit like this up.well, I can, but only with the help of mike and whiskey.Comments

11/16/06 5:13 pm estI'll talk later.Comment (1)

10/14/06 12:31 pm estThese may well be proof that I'm in the wrong country. 12Comments (3)

10/08/06 2:02 pm estSo I'd hoped to have some more promising content by now, but this spot of randomness just happened across my attention span.Comments

08/16/06 6:26 pm estMost of you have probably seen this. That does not mean it does not rock.Oh yes, oh yes.Comments

08/13/06 3:10 pm estI don't remember how/where/when/what flavor I found this, but the important thing is that I did. Posted again, because for some reason, angelfire ate my first post. Somebody get me the fuck ouf my apartment.Comments (3)

I'm actually kinda suprised that I called it that accurately. (acutally, it stopped bugging me a couple of days ago, but still, I'm patting myself on the back. wait for it.... wait for it... hold... HOLD!!! HOLLDDDDDD!!!!!!Don't! It's a trap!

No real suprise there, thanks for the support, even if you saw it coming a mile away like I did. Honestly It's nice, for now I can finally add a modicum of relief to the melancholy mix that has of late comprised the bulk of my emotional status. Maybe in six months and (hopefully), sixty pounds, the situation will be different. I doubt it, but I don't really care. If, in six months, I'm still agonizing over this, I'll have more to worry about than some failed attempt and a doomed love interest.

I don't think that'll be the case, though. I have other shit to worrry about, and other women to lust after. I mean, if in the past 48 hours I've been able to talk myself through various emotional states, htis probably wasn't of the significance I thought it was. And now I have closure, whihc only helps to seal the deal. Sure, I'll be pissy for a week or so, but, come on, like that hasn't been and on-again, off-again state anyway. It just comes with the territory, I'm and emotional ossiclator. (Inveterd square wave, if anybody cares, even though that's more of a function generator.)

I love how I sabotage things even while trying not to. Must be some sort of subconscious bull in a china shop, right? Well, I am a taurus.Comments

07/28/06 6:31 am estYeah. Just Yeah. Call me the king of relapses. Yes, I spoke too soon; Rub my nose in it, bitchass! I don't give a shit about the readability of this, check the disclaimer: that was never what this site has been about. Sometimes I'm more straightforward and literal than others. It is unfortunate for me to say that my life cannot always be expressed in a picture perfect essay format. I can't always make it pretty, that's either not how my life goes, or that's not how I choose to live it. Is there a difference? I, for one, am not so sure.

Yeah, guys, it has happened again (and no, not the fact that I started two consecutive paragraphs with the same word.) Get ready to utter that hearty, derisive "I-told-you-so" laughter, as I again find myself infatuated with a woman. A woman with whom I have little to no chance.

Why would this be? Well, A little run down of my romantic life will reveal that my relationships (save one, maybe two), have been based on the long shot (this is why they are so rare, and thus so intense). Let us look at the most important to this point: Chelsea.

I'd known her for a year when I returned from Governor's School, but something was different. I don't think much of that change was her, But I came back from MTSU ready to start a long-term relationship. I don't know "why", or for that matter "why not" with Missy, suffice to say that Missy wasn't "the one". I treated her like shit, and to this day I feel bad about it, but what's done is done, and cannot be retracted. But I digress...

I came back from Governor's School looking for Chelsea.I, of course, did not not realize this at the time, but it was true nonetheless. It took me a little over a month to realize this; until Chelsea's birthday party at Melton Lake. I won't lie to you, the swimsuit helped... A Lot.

I couldn't take my eyes off her. I don't know how it happened, but here was this girl, this woman, this amazingly sexual, sensual, astoundingly beautiful being. I didn't immediately realize it, but I fell in love with Chelsea that day; for it was on that day that I realized her existence in this world was simply too amazing to comprehend.

Thus I began to woo her, to court her, to win her heart, and the right to call myself the happiest man on this planet.Well, happiest boy. I was 17; who are we kidding here?

The process was an arduous one, fraught with the difficulties that only a high school student can possess. There were days where I was sure that my task was doomed, and I almost wished there was no tomorrow. Then there were the days when She Smiled, or would talk to me, and no beacon (not even the Sun) could have shone brighter than my soul.

Through some unknown, Amazing way, Chelsea started to respond.Be it Fate, Karma, Divine Intervention, or Luck, I don't know (or care). Maybe she knew all along, but the situation improved; I could talk to her, She would talk to me. We seemed to get along. At Chuck's Party, October 21st, 1998,(though our anniversary was the 14th), I finally got the nerve: I asked, She agreed. We were Boyfriend and Girlfriend, and the next 20 months were the most sublime one could hope to ask for.

The Rise, was, of course, followed by The Fall, and, of course, it happened. Interestingly enough, this whole ordeal was pretty much done by October 2000, almost two years after Chelsea and I started dating, and also the time I started this website. These facts are not coincidental, as I started this site as a journal to help keep myself sane. The Jury is still deliberating on it's success, and, to my guess, will be for some time.

However, that is still how I started writing here. Now I'll spare you the six years of summation between then and now; If you want to know, you merely need scroll down. It's all there, every glorious, badly punctuated, non-capitalized word of it. It always will be, 'cause that's just how I roll.

So why the sudden relapse to introspection? Well, check the 'Site, folks; unfortunately it follows a pattern. Be that pattern one I am seemingly forced to follow, or choose to; I do not know; but follow it I do, and (presumably), follow it I will.

It's starting again; these feelings I have not felt for eight years, and to be honest, I did not know if I would ever feel them again. But I do, and this time they are for Britt. That's why, I'm drawing my skills, my faculties, my every ounce of creative determination. I'm gonna fight for this Girl, and I need your help. Unfortunately, life finds me in a different situation this time. I am less fit, more jaded, and less sure of myself. Add to this the fact that Britt is skittish, afraid, and Not Attracted To Me, and you too will find that the prognosis is grim. At the very best, I have my work cut out for me.

I am not saying this will not happen; nor am I pining away in self-sorrow hoping for sympathy (no matter how this may sound). Your understanding I will graciously appreciate, but sorrow and sympathy you will please leave at the coat check. Our maid is quite competent, and she will see that these articles are returned to you post haste.

This time, I'm going for it. Will it work out? I don't know, but I haven't felt this way for a long time. It's not going to be easy, or for that matter, particularly fun; but when it comes down to it, I don't have a choice.

It's been awhile; but this time I have my experience to draw upon. I've done enough of the cheating(once), the lying(duh), the waffling(plenty), and, above all, the "waiting for the perfect moment"(far too often), to know that they offer their teachings, but cannot be allowed to impugn my directive, at least not now. I am going to fight for the love of this woman, because right now, the world doesn't seem worth a damn without it.

She doesn't know anything about this. I've kept it that way to the best of my abilities. You are reading (as you always have been), the monologue of one who is perpetually trapped in one's head.But that doesn't matter.I don't know how this will end, or how I will come out of it. The fact remains that I don't really care; this is the first time, in a long time, that something has mattered enough for me, and I'm damn well going to follow it through to it's conclusion, whatever that may be. Goodnight, and Good Luck.Comments (3)

06/27/06 8:22 PM ESTHalf-Life 2: Episode 1 rocks my face off. You get to play alongside Alyx, who is better than Barney because she never dies. This is a good thing.Alyx also has unlimited ammunition, and I think that if you're really low on health, she may just be able to give you a boost.

So the first half of that game was the last half of my weekend, and I must say that it was quite a bit of fun. After Wisconsin, I fell off the wagon for a bit, but I've clambered on anew, target date is new-years-ish, we'll see how that works out.

My writings are much more splayed logically when I update merely for the sake of updating, when I don't have much to say, but I had to start somewhere. You see, things are afoot which may spell a good deal of positive change in my life, and I had to make a post to mark the start of all that. Not going to most too many details right now (read: none), but lets just say that I'm about to get up off my ass and DO something.

Also, if you are considering the purchase of a radio controlled helium blimp, avoid the cheaper models. Sure, it was only $15, but it also requires six additional balloons to achieve buoyancy, much less hold a tiny wireless camera. Thus my shark blimp has several brightly colored lamprey attached to it, and the effect is ruined. It's also about as maneuverable as a brick, because, well, it pretty much is a brick. A very light brick. With fans. And a tail. I'm thinking I might try to make my own envelope, and just keep the electronics. I'll make it work somehow because hell, it's a flying Shark, and I mean, come on, what's cooler than that?Comments

05/16/06 3:20 pm est.It's All In The Timing

Lately I've been asking myself about happiness. See, I haven't in the least felt happy for quite some time now, and have spent countless hours, and dollars (read: being human), seeking a solution. As a result of this research, I can now for a fact tell you these certain things about what happiness is not:1) It does not hide at the bottom of glass bottles (I have checked many different styles, shapes and colors to no avail: please try again zxy674398bg#4)2) It is not brought about by eating a handful of Xanax. You will, however, have some of the best sleep of your life and wake up under the couch. Before this happens, expect to narrowly escape being caught skinny-dipping at your place of employment. Had I not shaved the day before, we may not have been mistaken for guests. Also, thank god for visually obscuring bubbles.3) Women4) A well-packed bowl may bring about temporary euphoria, but only through distraction.5) Nitrous oxide makes you too stupid to realize you're still unhappy. Then it gives you a headache, and you are likely to fall asleep vis-à-vis the couch.6) MDMA will make you a five year old. My closet is incontrovertible proof of this. Also makes one quite whiny.7) Hallucinogens aren't actually real. This fact you will learn when/if you take them. All of the sensations caused by them, and subsequent actions performed by you in response to said sensations, are indeed very real, and you will be held responsible for them in the morning when everybody has come back to earth. Don't try to sleep with your friends when on acid. Ever.8) Radios are the work of the devil. They make the person on the other end the dumbest thing in existence. If a slime mold could work a PTT button (which it can't), then it would be smarter than 90% of my co-workers (half of whom also cannot operate a PTT button)9) Beer makes me Rather Quite Drunk. I do very stupid things when I am RQD, and therefore have decided to regulate this very strictly.

Yes, I've pretty much quit drinking. Due to my overwhelming consciousness of fact #9 I've decided that I need to watch this activity before I get myself, or somebody else, killed. Climbing over a barbed-wire fence at 4 am and taping shotgun shells to a railroad track is, in fact, not a good idea (I removed the shot first, but still, stupid).

I've found that sobriety has interesting side effects. The first being the existence of a very strange thing called morning. I've found I don't like morning very much, and morning has found that it doesn't like me very much either. Thus we have decided to go back to our previous relationship, and I agreed to return to calling morning "Bright Nighttime". Relations have improved markedly.

Sobriety also removes the filter on life. I'd forgotten what clarity was. (On a side note, I think I need glasses, turns out the blur wasn't the rheum of intoxication I thought it was).I feel everything, for the first month I was a manic-depressive, constantly swinging through emotions at the drop of a hat, or #8.

Having run this course, I now know in all certainty that the following things will induce happiness:

1) Bendy roads with hills2) Standing in the middle of a tree during a wind storm3) Women4) Music5) Diving (skin and scuba)6) Hug Attacks7) Frisbee golf8) Blue Hair Dye9) Heading southbound on I-75 at 90 MPH with four or five other fast drivers, a freshly burned CD massaging your cochlea, passing mile marker 26 and, upon seeing the blinking headlights of a passing white infinity, slowing down as the lot of you roll past the hidden state trooper at exactly seventy miles per hour. Whoo-ah. Fuck The Man.

Happiness does indeed go sparkle. Happiness can be expressed as a function of itself, and has, in fact, been to Africa EVEN ONCE since 1975. It comes from synergy, from being Madagascar because you were trying to see what all the fuss was about. From the sunburn on the back of your neck that you got from working outside all day. From That Kiss and That Smile. From bringing the funny. From looking down at a 44 magnum and knowing why you're not going to put it to your head and pull the trigger. Because I'm not fucking done yet, and I just found that out. Comments (4)

04/05/06 3:38 pm estLeia Comments (2)

03/02/06 10:08 pm estQ: what do you get when you cross a pneumatic actuator, a pressure vessel for said actuator, a electrically operated regulator manifold, a drop-in ceiling and 20 cubic feet of packing peanuts?

on other fronts, i found out today that a co-worker of mine had to resign because he was going to jail. that sucks, i felt for him, thinking that he went for DUI or something. oh no, he went to jail for 1st degree murder, and by murder, i mean shooting a 64 year old woman in the chest after he robbed her store. I mean, i knew this guy, i worked with this guy, he was a pretty laid back guy, kinda funny, not the hardest worker, but not a bad guy. and he shot an old woman. in the chest. after he robbed her. not sure how i feel about that. Comments (3)

02/25/06 1:10 am est...updating at a party yet again... this time for a good reason... i must account to those of you who haven't heard, the events which transpired this thursday last. if you haven't seen the myspace movie, watch it first, then read on. what follows is a harrowing, soul-shattering tale of just what can happen when you disregard "the angles" (in verse form)

Trust the Angles(to: Hallelujah, by jeff buckley)

Well I signed on to, my myspace pageshe'd messaged me, thought I might get laidbut then she went and had "the angles" dinn't she?with the pics like this:one light, one dark, one at a club, one in a parkand foolish me, I thought she might be pretty

watch the angles, watch the angles, watch the angles, watch the angles

Well I saw her pics, thought that she was fineI invited her, for some half-priced winein my lonely mind, some troubled thoughts did linger.well, she showed up in a ragged shirtwearing vampire teeth, and a fishnet skirtI shook her hand; she tried to bite my finger

trust the angles, trust the angles, trust the angles, trust the angles

so I bought the wine, tried to tough it outshe said, "I can't 'cause I've got the gout"I hoped my backup plan would call and save mebut 10:30 came, stacy didn't callthere was just no way I could stand it allSo I reached into my pocket for my car key

trust the angles, trust the angles, trust the angles, trust the angles

well I said: "im tired", and that fact rang trueshe said: "can I come home with you?"Her crazy side had proved to be a sleeperI got up to go pay my billshe called after me, voice high and shrillI think you're cute, you just might be a keeper

trust the angles, trust the angles, trust the angles, trust the angles

well I called stacy, and I let her knowshe'd subjected me, to a horror showby forgetting me, and leaving me to languishfor the scarring's sure, to last quite a whileit'll take much drink, to restore my smilebecause of that one fateful night of anguish.

01/21/06 9:57 pm estso i finally got away from the bar-mitsvah kids. thank god, there are only so many times one can listen to the "thong song". anyway, i found this today. i got 24 out of 33 (it wouldn't give me 32, which is obvious, and i HAD IT RIGHT, DAMMIT! so i should have 25. but oh well. the others i got were 1-8,10-13,15,16,18,21,23-29, and 33. you guys should tell me what you got.Comments (8)

12/31/05 2:57 pm estjust posted the new Balderdash answers. two batches, round six was last night. so that's that. also in the box was the following quote. i have no idea where it came from, but it's funny.

Rhys: I was born in Wisconsin, I know from cheese.

Matt: I was born in Alabama, I know from cousins.

there ya go, i'll see most of you at edwards.Comments (2)

12/17/05 2:32 pm estWhat follows is a tale of road trips, bad food and ignorance (Otherwise known as ï¿½Thursdayï¿½).

Don't ever go to a sushi restaurant named after a dog. Just donï¿½t.It all started Thursday, I was hanging out with my friend Thalan, And we had already escalated to "Rare form".We were playing the newly introduced (by me) ï¿½Action Duck huntï¿½, When he got a call from his friend Brandon, in Morristown. He wanted to go pick him up for the weekend, but didnï¿½t have a ride. Naturally, I told him Iï¿½d take him if he was willing to cover gas. (Note to audience, I discovered that Morristown is ONE HELL OF A LONG WAY AWAY FROM CHATTANOOGA (Iï¿½d confused it with Athens, for some reason)).

He agrees, and off we set to get his friend.

The journey to Morristown was excruciating. We "oooh'ed" as we passed the grain silo that was destroyed by a tornado. The "ahhh's" practically leapt from our mouths when we caught a lucky glimpse of the Oldest Cow in Tennessee. When we saw one of the new purple-spotted milk trucks advertising the local dairy, I had to hold my legs together for fear of wetting myself.

We FINALLY got to Morristown, Picked up Brandon, his Girlfriend Gina, and, since they wanted sushi (the story is about a sushi restaurant, I donï¿½t think I need to go into the vast chapters of sorkinesque dialogue that resulted in the decision to eat it), rolled into the bustling metropolis that is Morristown. Morristown is less like a city and more like an experiment in lack of sensory input. Everything is remarkably bland, the scenery blending together into a dull beige almost everywhere we looked ï¿½ with the notable exception of the Akita Express sushi restaurant.

WOW. The only word to describe the restaurant was "festive." It was so stereotypically Japanese that I expected to see Chosen and Daniel-san fighting in the parking lot as Mr. Myiagi spun his hand-drum. There were paper lanterns strung from the periphery of the building, each one shaped as a bulb or a fish. The walkway was made of pebbles, bonsai trees scattered amongst bronze statues of samurai in the courtyards on either side of the path. The doors were made of steel and glass (but refaced to resemble wood and rice paper), and opened on tracks horizontally, just as you would expect from any door in any Japanese-themed movie. As we drew nearer, the "plings" and "twangs" of traditional Koto music could be heard growing louder, until I eventually realized they were played through a synthesizer.

Thalan was severely amused. "God ï¿½ look at this place! THIS RULES!" He broke into a fit of laughter.

"This place looks like it landed here after being kicked out of Japan by Godzilla," I agreed.

"Hey, this is the best weï¿½ve got,ï¿½ said Brandon. His voice was hushed but his tone was stern. "Please be appreciative."

"Fine," I said. "I just hope everyone isn't kung-fu fighting."

We were greeted by a tall white girl dressed in a kimono who looked as a traditional Japanese woman would, if Abercrombie and Fitch had existed in feudal Japan. "Ko-Neeeeechy Wah!" she shrieked.

The only thing that could have been more degrading to the Japanese would have been Charlie Chan videos playing from monitors in the lobby, or a scale model of a World War II internment camp made of Legos.

We were escorted to a table, where our server, a young girl dressed as a geisha, soon greeted us, her blonde hair tied in a bun and skewered by chopsticks.

"Kon Bahhhhhn Wahhhhh, and welcome to Akita Express. I am Tiffany-san, and I will be your server. Can I start you out with a Coke or beer?" She twanged.

"Tiffany-san, are you aware that you just called yourself ï¿½Mister Tiffany' in Japanese?" I asked.

"Trust me, all the GOOD sushi places have it. Go back and ask the chef to give you the Seppuku."

"Um, OK ... I'll be right back!" She shuffled off to the chef station.

Everyone at the table began to demand to know about Seppuku. I explained the laws of bushido to them, giving a brief history on the ritual of Seppuku. As I was getting to the part where the samurai would slide the blade of the knife across the intestines and then thrust it upward into his heart, our server returned.

"Our chefs said they can't do that."

"Aww, that's a SHAME!" I replied. "I had my heart set on the Seppuku!"

Everyone at the table winced at my pun.

"When I asked the chefs what it was, they all started laughing. What is it?"

"Oh, it's really good. You should DEFINITELY try it sometime."

"Okay, is there something else I can get for you?"

"Well, if there's one thing I like better than a chef doing Seppuku, it's several of them making Bukkake!"

Thalan was dying. Brandon sat stone-faced, unable to look at me.

"It usually takes more than one person to make it," I explained. "And since there are four of us, all of your chefs may have to join in to make enough. Ask them if they have time, and tell them we are patient and will wait for It."

She scribbled a bit on her pad, and shuffled away to ask the chefs for the third most searched word on Google.

"OK," Gina Stated, "I demand to know what Bukkake is."

"Well, it's when a mommy and a daddy, and a daddy, and a dadd..."

"NO!" Brandon raised his hand to my mouth. "Gina, you do NOT want to know!"

I glanced over at the chef station to see them howling with laughter. Our server was talking to a tall dark-haired white guy who looked like the manager of the restaurant. She pointed over at our table, and we decided to calm it down.

When our server returned, I kept my quips to myself. She recommended the "shrimp roll thingies" and "some smoked salmon things ... I don't remember what they are called, but they are really good." I ordered the California roll, and a tuna roll, as I figured theyï¿½d be the two safest items in the place (also, neither come with any ï¿½special sauceï¿½).

My hopes were dashed as the food was placed before me. Each piece looked as if it was hacked from the body of the fish with a chainsaw. The platter had an unmistakably "fishy" smell, and as the old saying goes, "If it smells like fish, it's not good fish." Nervously, I nibbled on a piece california roll.

It was like chewing on a flip-flop.

I let the disgusting morsel drop out of my mouth, which I immediately filled with Sobe green tea. The mixture of sour fish and overly sweetened green-tea-flavored beverage was awful. "This place SUCKS," I said, perhaps too loudly.

"Yeah, mine's not that great either," Thalan, added.

"Dude, you ordered RICE."

"So? The rice sucks too."

"Well, you can have what's left of this," I said.

I picked up the fetid contents of my triangle-shaped plate, and dumped them directly on top of Thalan's food. Aggravated, Thalan picked up one of the slabs of fish and flung it at me, striking me in the face. I was momentarily stunned from the meaty projectile that had just slapped me. The look on my face must have been priceless, because Brandon started laughing uncontrollably.

"What? What's so funny about being hit in the face with fish?"

This question just prompted another fit of laughter, this time with Gina and Thalan joining in the chorus. Determined to silence this racket, I reached over to Thalan's plate, and grabbed a handful of the glop.

"Don't you DARE!" Brandon exclaimed. He smacked the fistful of fish away from him, too hard, and the mess was flung across the table, hitting His girlfriend. Thalan and I sat there with our mouths open in horror. Gina had raw fish on her face.

"Gina!, I am soooo sorry!" Brandon started.

His girlfriend calmly wiped her face. "Thalan" she said, "get him."

That was all it took. Thalan grabbed Brandon from behind as Gina picked up another handful of the mess and dumped it on his head. He screamed, securing the attention of every patron near us who wasn't already watching the fishy food fight.

Within seconds, the manager hustled back into the room, red-faced and steaming. "You need to leave. NOW."

We stood there bashfully.

"RIGHT NOW. Please, collect your things and leave the premises, or I will have to call the police."

We complied, slowly filing out of the room. When we reached the door, Gina stopped, then turned and faced the manager. She exclaimed in a loud yet effeminate voice, "This place fucking sucks."

Thalan, Brandon, and I crawled the rest of the way, since we were doubled over with laughter. Just before we left, Brandon turned around and shouted, "And by the way! I'm telling everyone I know that the bukkake here is HORRIBLE!"

So ya, it was a fun time, but I think I might be wanted in Morristown.Anyway, Iï¿½m coming up the 23rd, Iï¿½ll be there at least until Caraï¿½s party, maybe until new years, depends on scheduling. I needs me some money! Take care kids...Comments (2)

12/09/05 4:08 am est...realized that many of you missed the ceremony. in case you were wondering, what follows is the full text.

MINISTER:

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all; and therefore ï¿½ is not by any ï¿½ to be entered into unadvisedly or soberly ï¿½ but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and drunkenly. Into this holy state these two drunkards present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together ï¿½ let them speak now or forever hold their booze.

Through marriage, Rhys and Stacy make a commitment together to face their disappointments ï¿½ embrace their dreams ï¿½ realize their hopes ï¿½ and accept each otherï¿½s Hangovers. Rhys and Stacy will promise one another to aspire to these ideals throughout their lives together ï¿½ through mutual understanding ï¿½ openness ï¿½ and sensitivity to each other.

We are here today to witness the joining of Rhys and Stacy. This occasion marks the celebration of drunken revelry with which this man and this woman begin their life together. And now I join you together in one of the holiest bonds.

Who gives this woman in marriage to this man?

(crowd): BURBON!

MINISTER:

By gathering together all the wishes of happiness and our fondest hopes for Rhys and Stacy from all present here, we assure them that our hearts are in tune with theirs. These moments are so meaningful to all of us, for ï¿½what greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they've gotten drunk together ï¿½ to strengthen each other in all laborï¿½ to minister to each other in all hangovers ï¿½ to share with each other in all gladness.

This relationship stands for friendship, loyalty, honesty and trust, but most of all for alcohol. Before they knew love, they were drunk, and it was from this shot of jack that comes their destiny. Do not think that you can direct the course of booze - for booze, if it finds you worthy, shall direct you.

Exchange of Vows:(in which i try to be witty and stacy blows me out of the fucking water)

Rhys:Stacy, the past four months for me have been a most excellent adventure, full of wild times heretofore unwitnessed by me except in the great cinematographic undertakings of busty babes 6, 8 and 32, the christmas special. throwing caution to the wind, we have become steadfast freinds, and created a bond that is all-too-rare in this world. you've come to be very important to me, a true companion, one with which i can share my innermost thoughts and feelings. For this and many other reasons, i've come to look at you not only as a friend, but as a lesbian. however, the defining moment came for me during that fateful trip to mexico. When we stayed up taking qualudes, and trying to chase chickens with our minds, i knew you were the one for me.

Stacy:Rhys, i was yours when you said those three special words "totally bitchin time". Unity is what brought us here today. Togehter we are brought in this union of unity. you and i are unified in our similiarities and differences which make us an exceptional pair. we both love whiskey, women, and making things up that never happened. like that time we were sitting on a leather couch watching the TNT cartoon and slapping our knees, choking on cold pizza, i think, that we each realized that neither one of us was actually there. we also complement each other with our differences. you are male, i am female. you are tall, i am of average stature. you're from wisconsin, i like pretty colors. i've got to say, the best times we've shared together are the ones i don't remember too well, and it's times like that that i don't ever want to end. with or without you, it's miller time.

MINISTER TO GROOM:

Do you Rhys take Stacy to be your lawfully wedded wife ï¿½ to have and to hold, in sickness and in heatlh, through sturm and drang - and do you solemly swear to bring home hot dates and share the good ones, as long as you both shall live, or say, till next tuesday?

GROOM:I will.

MINISTER TO BRIDE:

Do you Stacy take Rhys to be your lawfully wedded husband ï¿½ to have and to hold, in sickness and in heatlh, through sturm and drang - and do you solemly swear to bring home hot dates and share the good ones, as long as you both shall live, or say, till next tuesday?

BRIDE:I will.

Exchange of Wedding shots

MINISTER:

What token of your love do you offer? Would you place the shots in my hand?

May these shots be blessed as the symbol of this affectionate unity. These two lives are now joined in one unbroken circle. May they grow in understanding and in compassion. May the homes which they establish be such a place that many will find there a beer. May these shots in their hands symbolize the touch of the spirit of love in their hearts.

Handing ring to the Groom

MINISTER TO GROOM:

Rhys, in placing this shot in stacy's hand, repeat after me: stacy, With this shot, I thee wed.

Handing ring to the Bride

MINISTER TO BRIDE:

Stacy, in placing this ring on Rhys' finger, repeat after me: rhys,With this shot, I thee wed

Pronouncement

MINISTER:

May you always share with each other the gifts of boozeï¿½ be one in heart and in mind ï¿½ may you create a home that puts in your hearts ï¿½ love ï¿½ generosity and whiskey.

In as much as Rhys and Stacy have consented together in marriage before this company of friends and family and have pledged their faith ï¿½ and declared their unity by giving and receiving a shotï¿½ are now joined.

You have pronounced yourselves husband and wife but remember to always be each otherï¿½s best friend.

What ï¿½ therefore ï¿½ God has joined together ï¿½ let no man put asunder, 'lest he be about to puke

And so, by the power vested in me by the State of insanity, I now pronounce you man and wife

you may take your shots.

and that was (except for the ridiculously large amount of alcohol) that. take care kids...Comments

12/07/05 7:10 pm estyou have all been Moted.figured you'd get a kick out of that one.anybody have $400 lying around i could borrow?Comments

11/22/05 1:49 pm estSO, one week short of two months. such is that rare case of my life in which i find myself devoid of the services brought to me by that trusty-rusty deivce i call my packet catapult. c'est la vie, no? anyway, work is being done on that front to remedy the situation, so we shall see. let's see, other than that, got fake married a little over a month ago. that was fun. i can't really say it's going well, as there's nothing to go. for any of you that were wondering, it was a party, nothing more. Stacy and I are good friends, and that's that. so you may rest easy, for there shall not be another "Her". let's see, the foreigner went well, i wasn't ashamed to put my name on my design, so that's groovy. Robert approached me and asked me if i'd be interested in designing The Dead in the spring. i told him yes, of course. this experience thing, it's-a-groovy. and i like the fact that i'll make my foilo thicker when i make that trip to chicago.

Hope you guys don't mine the Stream-of-consciousness post. heh... what the hell am i saying, have i made any other kind?

work... work is going quite well. I dig my job, i really do. it would be nice to get more hours out of it, make paying bills far easier. we'll see how that turns out. i am currently working on a couple of nifty projects, hopefully some will achieve fruition soon and i might dazzle you with my niftyness. christmas should be fun, i'm looking forward to hanging out with all you kids whom i haven't seen in a fucking long time (erin, alex, kieran, bass, christian, cara, et all i mean YOU) much shenanigatery is required. Britt is hot. just thought i'd throw that in there. too bad she's a little crazy and i totally failed to get off with her last year. but still. damn hot, especially in those pants...

so i just realized why a remix of "love, peace and grease" has been looping on this computer. apparently my myspace account has it set as my "profile song", and it's been autoplaying. a bit of a suprise, yes, but in no way a bad one, so hey.

and that's really how life has been for me of late. not a whole lot going on, i'm just in limbo untill the spring, when i might find a touring company who will pay me to ride around and do that stuff i do. to be perfectly honest it gets a bit boring sometimes, this routine, but hey, at least it is a routine, and i am financially independent, and that's fucking awesome. it may be a bit boring, but I'm doing it, for fuck's sake!anyway, i feel i've come to the end, this seems to be about it. i'm going to try and drag stacy up to knoxville sometime over the break (wait, it's not a break for me any more, what with being a graduate and all. still, i've grown very accustomed to calling it that, so i feel i'll continue, esp. since it makes sense to all the rest of you.) but yes, drag stacy up to knoxville so that you guys can meet her, 'cause she's a blast. a blast that likes girls, but a blast nonetheless.

anyway, tommorrow i head knox-wards, so be prepared. i shall endeavour to contact you all anon.Comments

09/29/05 7:31 pm estman, if that hasn't been the longest 16 days, it feels like forever since i've updated. anyway, the wedding is still on. i realize that i did a rather poor job of explaining it to people. the wedding is fake. totally and completely. it's just for fun, as is Stacy's and my referring to each other as "fiance". it's still set for the 21st of october. and you should all come, since it will be a blast of sizeable proportions.

that being said, the weather today makes me want to buy a pack of cigarettes and stay up all night drinking coffee. any takers?Comments (2)

09/13/05 2:01 am estSo guys, i have an annoucement. Stacy and I are getting married. Not married in the traditional sense, and probably not in the legal sense either, but we kinda got to talking today, and basically, we decided to have a ceremony (with jesse as the oficiant, if he agrees).it's gonna be a kick-ass time and i want you all to come down. there will be a reception after the wedding at stacy's place, (we're looking at friday, october 21st) we love each other, but it's a weird kind of love, she's a lesbian and i'm straight, so it's not a passionate, settle-down-and-raise-kids kinda thing. basically i said "Stacy, do you want to have totally bitchin' time for the next 30 or 40 years?" to which she replied "Right on". so yes, we're getting married in a lighthearted, fun way. i'm worried this may offend some of my friends, so i want to say that this is by no means pissing on convention, we want to make this a fun, good time for all. there will be a clause in the vows along the lines "do you agree to bring home hotties, and share the good ones on occasion, as long as you both shall live?" i know this sounds a little serious for such a post, and honestly, im in a pretty damn good mood (as i have been since i met stacy). the reason this sounds serious is that this post is more for me than any of you, i am trying to answer the questions that have been kicking up in my head about the concept of this "marrige". basically, it will be one in name only, stacy and i are going to spend a lot of time together, and this is a way of recognizing the bond. i'm a little hesitant to use the term "soul mate", but i think that may be approaching it, they can come in some strange packages, eh? anyway, im sure some of you will have questions. you should email me your addresses so i can send out invitations: ( rhysfeezled@gmail.com ). at the very lest, look at this as one kick-ass party, because there sure is going to be one.Comments (8)

08/24/05 1:08 am estDamn. i think the term "pwned, b173h3z" is in order, no?"R.H.Y.S.: Robotic Humanoid Yearning for SabotageComments (4)

Chattanooga, TN. is the unequivocally the Best Place in The Universe. 'nuff said. Comments (4)

07/31/05 4:19 pm estman, two posts in as many days, this is gettin weird! just a quick note to say the new Balderdashes are up. speaking of up, i am coming up tommorrow! i should be in town around noonish, and will stay until about 5 pm friday, when i have to go to midtown and show a judge a receipt for a tail light. till then kids...

07/30/05 4:08 pm estit's amazing how a few short hours can completely change your mindset. first, i went here and laughed for 45 minutes. then i had lunch with S.P where we both realized that it was fortunate we Got It Over With, and that we can resume being friends again. it's actually quite refreshing to just hang out with her and not want to jump her bones, 'cause i can just stop and think to myself "hey, been there, done that, not up my alley".

anyway, i'm currently taking a break from cleaning (ok, that's a lie, i haven't actually started yet), but that's the agenda for the rest of the day, and indeed has been for quite some time. adieu for now

07/30/05 10:41 am est(the following is something i wrote on 07/07/05 @ 3:31am , took me awhile, i know, but here goes...)

I am sitting in an apartment, with a Drunken Fool whom i have never formerly met, and whose name i do not at present know. I was brought here by a tenant of said apartment, who shall be known henceforth as S.P. at present i am hoarding my stock of beer (14 cans of cold bud light and going quick). the drunken fool* is doing his best to hit on S.P. a fact that is most amusing, as she happens to be a lesbian

(Apparently, i have met the drunken fool* before)

i am hoarding my beer, for i am surrounded by Young People. Not just young, really young. i am fairly certain that a number of these people are minors. myself included, there are perhaps two people 21 and over in attendance. apparently at some point in time this distinction became important. why? it was not a conscious decision, not as if a switch was thrown in my head that made this difference palable. it must have been a much slower process indeed. introspection aside, i find myself thinking that most of these people are Very Young and Very Stupid. it makes me think perhaps too subjectively, but we were never this stupid, were we? now the drunken fool* is touting how he thinks the hustlers (owned by S.P) are demeaning to the women in them, and how he draws no pleasure from them. S.P replies: "I like the sections with the girl-on-girl action"

aside from that, the dialouge at this party is horrible

even when we were kids at these kinds of parties, at least we sounded good, dammit! we produced dialouge that (aside from Aaron Sorkin) would never allow itself to be found on the pestulent airways that are Corporate T.V.™ . Ahh, the Drunken Fool* has just offered to read S.P some of his poetry. this is like a car wreck, or Chuck's Parents Fucking™ ;one just can't look away. He's trying so hard, like the moth to the flame, so wrapped up in this drive and confusion that he dosen't pause to consider the meaning of what he is saying.

Freeze Frame!

[self pity] Jumping to the present, watch as the discoveries are made!, the amazing twists in plot!, the stunning climax!, and the harrowing denoument!

so, after a month of nightly partying with this girl, i had come begrudgingly to the realization that, despite all my persistent psyche-babble to the contrary, I was falling in love with her. we had spent much amazing time together, so i suppose feelings were bound to crop up eventually. it was attraction without the chemistry. Seriously, what chemistry can exist between a lesbian and her good, plutonic male friend?

the answer, of course, is none, and the activities of last night have unfortunately reaffirmed this. i've posted here of my Plights With Women™ often, and here is the new chapter: last night, she and i had sex.

i say "had sex" and not "made love". in truth "had sex" is hardly an acceptable term. we coupled pointlessly, not even achieving fruition. to quote her: "it's fun at the start, but then i just loose interest". there is nothing so twistedly banal as having casual conversation mid-coitus. afterwards i came to the realization that she really didn't care, to her it was just curiousity, more of a "hey, this could be fun" mentality. it is because of this mindest our friendship might be spared. nonetheless, i had hoped that with me it would be different, that the time we had spent together, and the closeness we had achieved as friends would have given something extra to this union. however close we had become as friends, this was not the case. so this is a first for me, finding out that it's not going to work during the sex itself. of course, i knew that all along, but you guys know me, do i cease at that kind of information, or plunge headlong into the fray?

it was all just so pointless, so absolutely devoid of meaning. There was nothing there, and that's what hurts. I never knew sex could be nothing but cold indifference. It is important to note that this is not the fault of S.P, i knew all along this wasn't really her thing, i guess i just got my hopes up that there would be something special there. hell, part of me wants to try again, as if something went awry. that is partially true, while she may not be into guys, i know that we can have better sex than we did last night. unfortunately, i fear the part of me wanting to proove that is the same part that wanted something to happen in the first place, and may indeed just be camouflaging itself as this new desire to Save Face. This, folks, is the Real-life™ version of Chasing Amy. Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered - am I. [/self pity]

I know that this is all just pointless whining, but it Hurts, Goddammit! it's funny, that as i make plans for changes, somehow strong reactions occur right as i plan to implement them. be that as it may, i'm actually putting this down as a fluke. balderdash answers to be up soon, i promise.

* he is not actually a drunken fool,nor am i qualified to judge anyone as such, a point you will have realized by the time you have read this far.

05/27/05 5:11 am estyou know, sometimes i'm just so tired (and full) of the angst, spite, envy and hate, that it makes me wonder: what the fuck Is the point of all this? i mean, seriously, is there sombody out there? 'cause im tired of running the damn maze, that's for sure. which i guess in itself prooves the existence of god. man was created by god in his own image. right? therefore:a man is a duplicate of godb rhys dawson is a manc rhys dawson is a duplicate of god

a rhys dawson is a pissantb a duplicate of god is rhys dawsonc duplicates of god are pissants

a the original is the same as the duplicateb god is the same as the originalc god is the same as the duplicate

in nine easy steps i have solved my problem. god's just as much of a bastard as the rest of us. goodnight.

05/03/05 12:36 pm estMornin' kids. how's things? the last month has been quite the blur. basically i just concentrated on the day-by-day stuff so as not to realize that I'M DONE. whoo! yeah! no more of that college-type stuff for me. at least not for awhile anyway, a couple of years' break will be nice. wanna know the funny thing? this last semester, where i hardly did any work, hardly ever went to class, i made a 3.2. that's right, my LAST SEMESTER of college and i make the dean's list. too fuckin crazy, right? but hey, im done, and that's what matters. currently i'm in knoxville, i'll be here till the weekend, when im heading back down to chatty. for some type of birthday bash celebration. (funny thing is, it's for matt's birthday, which happens to be MY birthday as well, but i'm not gonna say anything, hell, for all i know, they're planning it for me, too, 'cause i know Matt knows it's my BD as well.)

so yeah, graduating. my first order of business upon returning to chatty is to find a damn job. that and fix my bike so that i may get to and fro said job. once that's taken care of, i can relax and worry about something else, or, as would be preferred, nothing at all. once i've got the money situation worked out, i really don't think i'll have anything to worry about, and im really looking forward to that. anyway, so you crazy kids that are gonna be back in town. CALL ME! i'm here through the weekend, and i want to chill with some of ya. anyway, that's about it.

OH YEAH! i almost forgot. i am (thanks to the help of syd) once again the grand-high poobah of pirated internet access. this time for real, too, the ap's on top of the hayes, the teacher network is sooo nice. i can even play CS:Source ! me likey. me likey V. much. all i have to do now is spoof the MAC of, well and old MAC and i'm golden. well, that's it for now, can't say when i'll be back, who knows, right?

03/24/05 12:10 pm estso i'm very happy to report that the stupid, melancholy whiny-ness of the last post has passed. just a little hitch in my giddyup caused by spontaneously running into a Hot Girl, you know how that is. you all should watch The Scene it's a web series on the "elites" of the file sharing world. but it's put together really well, and i love the concept. watch it, and you'll see why it's addictive. anyway, that's about it, it's the middle of what looks to be a rather nice day, and i plan to go make the best of it.

03/22/06 1:16 am estAnd so he sees her...and the feelings, long forgotten, come rushing backstealing the words from his throatand there is nothing to say. and so he says nothingand nothing changes. the possiblities lie inert, diffused,changeless upon a sea of broken dreams.he wants to speak, but words will just not come(words do not apply to concepts)so there he sits, his failure the scarlet letter of his day.and there is naught to be done about it.

the above should by no means be considered a poem

saw britt tonight, at el casa de gebele, where we converged to watch the our latest episode of rock bottom. (tuesdays and fridays at 10pm on chattanooga comcast channel 3, tune in, 5th caller get's a free hotdot with fill up!)anyway, i walk in and there she was. didn't plan on seeing her again. no conversations had been prepared, no talking points offered, i faced the press core of my hormones alone. watching... waiting... what would happen now? what was to come of this unexpected circumstance? surely i would do somehting, make some signal. but alas no, for i sat on a chair and tried to hear my mixing across the chatter of the crowded, smoky room.

it was around tihs point i lit up my first cigarette.yes, faithful readers, i have begun the habit anew. i am again a smoker. and i love it. it feels like returning to an old friend. ask around, i've even been in a better mood since starting up again. addict? yes, and i don't care. i am self-medicating with nicotine, and you know what? it helps. my nights are still passed mainly on the couch, but no longer because i am terrified of the cessation of my heartbeat. i've begun smoking again and it feels good. (i am defending this to myself)but this evening remains a downer. i hadn't expected britt to be there, and as the lines say, it caught me off guard. so i said little, and stared at 144"^2 of phosphorescent coating.or rather, the photons coming out of itstill, no matter either way, it is, after all, of little import.my convictions this 'eve have turned to writing, and thus i find myself, fingers perched atop this aincent packard bell keyboard. the soft, staccato chunks of typed letters falling to match the rain outside, the drum beat to their harmony.sad? i am sad, sad i am. i can't not care, it's who i am.when will all this chicane'ry end?when the next page is turned, my friend!

the above shall by all means be construed as a poem

03/06/05 3:06 am estthe balderdash answers have just had the holy living hell updated out of them, the box was full, so there ya go. more to come, im absolutely sure.

03/02/05 12:50 pm estand now david has entered the fray. once again, only one phrase that will work for a link, so there ya go. and these links exist because, well. yeah. 'cause i said so, i guess. so im gonna try to come up to knoxville for the first half of spring break. im supposed to go to the humana festival for the second half (starting thursday), but that really all depends on whether or not i can find transportation to and from knoxville, if i had to choose, i'd probably just stay in knoxville the whole time. we'll see, dunno whats gonna happen with that.

goddamn it, i need to DO something, i just feel like, here i am, stagnating, atrophying away. i do nothing, i feel bad about doing nothing, which in turn makes me not want to do anything. i dunno, it sucks, i guess im just in a slump or something, but i cannot see a way out of it (maybe i don't want to), whatever. im being whiny again, and this is why i've not been updating much. anyway, the only real rason for ths post (linking david) has been accomplished, so...

02/25/05 10:43 am estSo casey got a blog. i linked her in the only way i can. i also realized i've been lax in my linking of people, so i took care of that as well.

02/17/05 11:25 pm estSo apparently angelfire has decided to update (read: make uglier) their website and login pages. hrm. interesting? no. a way to start a post? most definitely. speaking of mos def, he's slated to play ford prefect in the re-make of HHGTTG which, imho, sucks. found out today that i really need to practice up at counter strike: source. i sucked hard, possibly worse than i've ever sucked before. worst part is i'll have to practice against bots, but hey, at least it's something. classes are... classes; still goin to them, tryin to get out and all. They're not all that bad, it'll just be really nice to be done with them. Had an interesting realization awhile back: for some reason i'm afraid to be alone. Dunno why, maybe my current point in life has something to do with it. You know, all those nice uncertanties and ulcer-causing unknowns. Whatever, all i know is that when i'm by myself in this apartment, my heart does some weird fuckin shit. and then there are times i just have this hollow, empty, apprehensive feeling in my chest, like something forgot to happen or something. i'm 99% sure this is just delusion on my part, a result of stress, but for once i have firsthand experience with psychosomatic symptoms. it sucks, it creeps me out, i stay up until i pass out from exhaustion,usually 3 to 4 in the morning. we're talking sleep with the lights on, folks, it's pathetic. it's the kind of thing that would make me go to a shrink, but hey! we can't afford that, what was thinking? (no, my parents would not say this, they would say go see somebody, but that dosen't change the fact that i know we can't afford it) worst part is, my power bill is gonna be through the roof this month, 'cause i keep falling asleep with the lights and tv on. the only times i can hit the sack normally is when i go to bed drunk, which has been a few times lately. that's nice, it means i can also worry about whether or not i'm an alcoholic. 'course when i fall asleep drunk, i usually wake up several times over the course of the evening with rather nasty heartburn. well, that's not true, i pretty much always have heartburn, though i feel that is due in part to diet. but what's a guy to do, eh? i know this post has taken on a rather whiny nautre, but at this point, i really don't give a fuck. i'm just tired. and i know, we're all tired. apparently that's what fucking life fucking is nowadays. being tired, out of time and stressed. you know what? i'm sick of wondering if i can hack it, sick of trying to "tough it out, be a man" i just want something to change, something to happen, something to fucking work out for goddamn fucking once. just once. well, that's not true, of course i want everything to work out, but it'd be nice if something moved in a positive direction. i'm being fussy, i feel almost like sombody should throw me over their shoulder and burp me, it must be past my bedtime.

on a lighter note, have been getting into video editing, it's really quite nice. our department has loaned me the cannon Xl-1s, its tripod, and a lowell tota light kit. it's a nice camera, i like it muchly. also, i got a sweet deal on a firewire card (card and dv cable for 20 bucks, shipping included) so i've been playing around with premier pro 7, figuring out how to use it, i've made some decent stuff, i'm actually kinda proud of it. mostly, it's new and it's something to do, so i like it. ugggh. tired, time for sleep now, just really didn't want to end this on a down note, ya know?

01/25/05 4:23 pm estso here i am, updating my webpage from this tiny ass keyboard on larry's new computer. i am doing so to proove a point to him, his new computer is faster to the extent that i'm am currently doing something on it i've never done before, ie: update my page. yeah, his old computer was that slow, we're talking pre powerpc mac here. old. the fact that it ran as long as it did is a testament to macs today. but it seriously makes me wonder what the world will be like when this computer is too old to run even a web browser and email app. said computer is a g3 cupercino(sp?). so yeah. life. life is... interesting. i've no idea what happened with the britt thing,but for some reason there's a hell of alot of tension between us now. i know that i didn't do anything, so i'm not sure what happened, i guess she let it get weird or something, i dunno. although i do need to speak with her regarding a little wager between matt and myself to which she played witness. other than that, not alot is going on (boy oh boy howdy do i use the hell ouf of that phrase) but what's a guy to do, eh? it's boring here, that's just the way it is. i will be up in knoxville at some point in the hopefully near future, i shall call those of you who are around and we shall commence doing something naughty. not sure what just yet, but something naughty nonetheless. def. involving alcohol, probably some sort of drinking game or dashing should occour. after that i dunno. so, untill then. tata.

oh yeah, checked the speed on larry's new computer 12mb down, 2up, i have GOT to get on the teacher network down here.

12/22/04 7:34 pm estdoo de doo de doo de doo... la la la la la... not a whole lot to say really, im just gonna let my fingers take a lighthearted romp across the keyboard and see what they come up with. finals have come and went. they turned out pretty well, i ended up doing better in all of my classes than i'd expected to, so i have to say i'm quite happy. this also means that, barring disaster, i'll be graduating in may. WAAY too long to be in college, but ya know, at least im done. now i get to be broke and find a real job, only to realize how dumb i was for choosing to major in theatre. oh darn, c'est la vie.

so i got screwed by the ballet, usually i end up nettin around $250, this year i got almost one hundred less than that, and it was promptly swallowed up by bills. sorry J-spot, paying you back is gonna take a little while longer than intended.

as of right now, however, my only real concern is with choosing where to celebrate new years. i have what are looking like four very desirable options from which to choose. 1: edwards and the always good times there in, resultant from the well stocked bar. 2: Anna and Randy's, where i went last year, possibly one of the best times i've ever had at a new years party. 3: shane and chucks in chatty, since chuck is working, im not sure if this is happening at all, and 4: the party at the manor, also in chatty. there is a possibility that Britt (the aforementioned femme) will be there, and that really bumps this one up to priority #1. not to mention all of my chatty friends, but the ringer would be Britt. why? we talk, we talk for long periods of time, often about nothing in particualr. it's great. not gonna delve into too much detail here suffice to say this: I'm not in a hurry, she's just one of those people.

as you can see, i am very torn by this. i'm not positive of her attendance at said party, and i REALLY want to spend it with my fellow ridgemonkies. it's a conundrum, one which i'll have to sort out in my head. we'll see what happens, im not sure, haven't decided yet.

found something else out, the van may not be dead after all. the plan was to sell it, and whatever money it fetched, plus what we (my parents and i) managed to save would be spent on some POS when i graduated. now it seems as if we may be fixing the van when i graduate. not sure if this is my #1(interesting, that's twice i've done that in one post) choice or not, it dosen't get good gas mileage, but it does drive, and the theory is that with a rebuilt tranny, it'll have a good engine and transmission, and will therefore be in better condition and last longer than whatever we could get in the $2k range. is this true? who knows, we shall find out.

anyway, that's about it for the time being, i shall endeavour to make this page a more-oft attended to event. i'm taking playwriting next semester, so god knows i'll need the practice. which reminds me, i need to start on script and dialouge, if anybody has some ideas, or helpful comments, please let me know, for, sure enough, as soon as i'd signed up for the class, it was totally tabula rasa time for my good 'ol creativity.

12/07/04 1;33 pm estReading Day posting spectacular!

hey-oh!so, finals are upon us like the beasts they are. somehow, i think i'll manage, gonna be alot of studying before the end of this, but i can handle it, it shouldn't be too bad. i'm acutally looking forward to them. of course, that's so that i can be that many steps (and by steps i mean credits) closer to graduation.

directing scenes go up today, so im about to head over to yon theatre and see what the latest crop has, well, cropped up. Rachel and i were talking yesterday as to the nature of what drama will pop up next semester, and we couldn't figure anything out.i mean nothing, just couldn't come up with where it would come from. our department seems to be in a drama slump. weird.im sure that will change, but still, weird.

absofuckinlutely gourgeous day outside, unbelievable, esp. since it was supposed to be overcast and raining 'till wendsday. who knew, right? anyway, it's perfect "ask-this-girl-out-on-a-date" weather, and that's what im going to do. and, as i told *****(why not, good practice) earlier, if you converse with me later in the afternoon, i'll either be too elated to speak/type straight, or too drunk. either way, it's gonna be a fun day for grammar!

11/26/04 3:36 pm estheh, almost a month to the hour since my last post. that's what being pedestrian in knoxville will do to ya, makes you remember "oh yeah, i've got a blog somewhere..." so here i am, back again, going slowly stir-crazy in my house. not much to say, really, hence the month-long absence. i signed up for my last semester of classes last week. didn't feel weird or anything. im sure this will change, as i am yet apprehensive of actually being out of college, kinda makes me worry a bit about what's going to happen with the rest of my life. but my thoughts are not yet organized to a point where i can provide literary introspection, so that will come later. let's see. jesse, man, take care of yourself, k? judging from your website it sounds like you're going to be ok, that's incredibly reassuring, i know i can count on you to keep yourself in czech.

arrgh. can't quite think of much anything else to type right now, i'm so bored that i've basically been turning my brain off while at home to avoid going out of my skull. i can't really think of much to talk about though, there are just certain aspects of my life that i don't feel like posting about, (as holly said, they're just so "livejournal"). so ya, thus far it's been nice to see everybody again, been awhile i know, but what can you do, eh? anyway, i've really, really run out of things to say, im going to try and forumlate more thoughts, perchance they will find themselves installed hereafter.

10/26/04 4:41 pm estjust got back from the load in for the tour of cats. had a pretty good day, i found out once i got there that i was going to be on audio. it was great! turns out larry pulled a few strings and got me put there, which rocks even more ass. today while unloading the turcks, the V.P of the union came up to me and said "How you doin, brother?". i turned around to see if he was talking to sombody, particualrly a union member, but no, he was addressing me. so, naturally, i cracked a shit eating grin and said "great". i know it's cliche and very after-school movie, but damn, the vp is basically treating me like im in the union already. so, after that, load in continued to rock. we broke for lunch and went to sticky fingers for a half-price lunch. while we were waiting for our food, who should walk up and give me a hug but Her. Very interesting to say the least. so we chit-chatted for a minute or two, and she walked away to continue waitressing. when she was sufficiently our of earshot, josh leaned across the table and said "man, she was into you, you should totally hit that"...

the sound of my jaded laughter turned the head of every patron in the smoking section.

when that had subsided, i looked at josh and said, "man, that story's already been written and published in two editions". he replied "ohh", knowingly, and i said "no,i haven't, and it's a really damn long story as to why(see this page), let me suffice to say that she's got nice legs, nice tits, a pretty face and a great ass, but there's ten pounds of crazy behind those eyes." it was funny, very funny. and while i was again takin aback by her beauty (let's face it, she's fuckin hot and probably always will be) this time i found i'd the freedom to say and, more importantly, feel whatever i wanted around her. that was refreshing. i wouldn't even have mentioned this anectdote, except that it was funny. damn funny. anyway, im gonna relax, take a shower, and study for sociology, take 'er easy, kiddos.

10/23/04 2:56 pm estWell fucking put, Jesse. Well fucking put.

10/12/04 9:40 am ESTThis is a real problem. Iï¿½ve arrived in class, drug myself in and made myself appear as a productive human being. Iï¿½m tired as hell, mainly because I stayed up until three, and rolled out of bed at 8 and 9, respectively. So 6 hours of sleep arenï¿½t bad. Of course, the day before I got almost double that, so therein lies the rub. Right no Iï¿½m learning about covariance. Woo-hoo fun stuff, right? It would be, but I canï¿½t force myself to care. This is problematic; I need to pay attention in class. This lack of attention, following the subsequent lack of attendance will virtually guarantee my lack of a decent grade. I need to fix that. Iï¿½m concerned with one thing and one thing alone: graduating. Which reminds me: 3 days until graduation applications for May are due. Need to be doing that. God, Iï¿½m graduating at the same time as my little sister. How pathetic is that? Truth is, Iï¿½d only thought Iï¿½d lost direction in high school. That pales in comparison to me now. Sure, I know what I want to do, sorta. But I have absolutely no idea if I can do this for the rest of my life. Not an easy decision to make. But it is also the result of a path I chose a long time ago. No, not theatre; the easy way. And that is the grand-high poobah of misconceptions. Iï¿½m going to enter the world and start on a profession in which I will a) work my ass off and b) not make any money doing so. But I do get a kick out of it, so hey. Frankly, Iï¿½ve got more important things to worry about. Like my set crew. At strike on Monday, one of my crewmembers walked up to me, dewalt in one hand, square drive bit in the other. ï¿½It came outï¿½ they said, ï¿½can you put it back in for me?ï¿½ so I did, and I showed said person how to do it. Five minutes later they cam back and asked me how to change the direction on it.

I picked a hell of a week to quit drinkingï¿½

But hey, at least she came up and asked me, right? And thatï¿½s good. For as much as she hadnï¿½t tried to figure things out, that could be due to intimidation, I handed her a drill and said, ï¿½go strike that flatï¿½. I did that on purpose, to see who knows what, whomï¿½s self-reliant and so on. So she didnï¿½t know what to do. But she asked me, so thatï¿½s good, now she knows and I shouldnï¿½t have to worry about her as much, right? And this is much more successful than some of my other endeavors. Iï¿½ve tried to repair some facets of my life, but whatever course of action I try seems only at best to generate loathsome complicity. No word yet on the van. Hopefully itï¿½s a $60 transmission fluid filter. Hopefully. Thatï¿½s a best-case scenario. However, going by symptoms, I feel that, indeed, is the case. Worst case Iï¿½m a pedestrian. Not a horrible thing, Iï¿½d rather have transportation, but you gotta roll with the punches, right?

So yeah, gonna try sobriety for awhile. Lately I havenï¿½t been enjoying myself that much at parties, with one exception awhile back. I donï¿½t party as hard as I used to, and I donï¿½t like the moods Iï¿½ve been in. so Iï¿½m gonna try doing less substances for awhile. Also, the last party left a rather bad taste in my mouth. After a beer and a half, and a couple bowls. I wasnï¿½t feeling very well. I was out of it. The only person I could converse with at said party was my professor, and everybody kept going around to the back of the house in droves for key bumps. Yay, good times. Kat was a goddess and delivered me unto the salvation of mine own humble abode. I think I would have had a better time had I not been feeling ill. Therefore Iï¿½m gonna take it easy. I donï¿½t feel like drinking right now anyway, talk about aversion therapy. Aside from all that, I donï¿½t feel all that bad, really. It would be nice to have some more sun. I like the sun, sun is good. I guess any 5800k light source will do, but the sun is free, so letï¿½s have some more of that. Anyway, Iï¿½ve awakened sufficiently to pull myself out of my own psyche, Iï¿½m gonna go back to class now.

09/29/04 12:28 pm estMARION BARTH

01/18/25-09/29/04

you will be missed. godspeed, beloved grandmother.

09/16/04 11:52 am estJust thought you kids might like to know, the re-release of reefer madness has a commentary track by michael J. nelson. that's the full lid

09/15/04 9:06 am estdid anybody else wake up this morning and feel like something was wrong? i don't mean with the war in iraq, or anything like that, but some fundamental principle of reality, something basic, so basic you can't determine if it actually exists or not, like gravity. i felt that way this morning, kinda freaked me out. once i got up, i realized that i felt like absolute dog ass. my whole body aches, muscles, joints, and espically knees. i dunno, but it feels like i just spent all night running around and climbing 5.12's whilst being beaten about the lower body with criket bats. fortuantely, of late i've been in good heatlh, esp. cardiovascualr (i think) my resting heart rate is 64bpm, and after a brisk bike to class, it's only 72-78 bpm. that's enough. go 'way now.

09/09/04 2:43 pm estGod Damn... Amanda is really hot.

09/09/04 11:00 am estthe complete unpredictable nature of life,or: who the fuck really gives a shit anyway?not much to say, really. i'm just tired. done. done and tired, tired and done. i don't really care too much, no matter, not really important anyway.sleep sleep sleep sleep sleepmaybe that would do it. maybe this will pass, who knows? predictable, typified? i don't really give a fuck.

09/08/04 4:47 pm estto whom it may concern:i'm sorry.

09/05/04 12:54 pm estso, i've finally managed to achieve pirated internet access.! yay! and it's completely transparent, since it works on layer 2 of the protocol! so, unless sombody looks exactly for it, they won't notice, so long as i can hide the antennas. caleb, a freshman in the department is my confidant/operator on the other end of my packet catapult. classes, party,boomsday are going pretty well. except for astronomy lab, that thing sucks, my teacher makes absolutely no sense, and does not stop to explain things. oh yeah, he also teaches it from the calculus perspective, V. not fun. anyway, things are goin ok. that's about it, not much to say right now...

Preparation:Heat water for pasta, while heating, mix all sauce ingredients in 2-qt saucepan over low heat. Blend and add water to desired thickness (sauce is V. thick). Toss w/ pasta, add salt & pepper to taste. Be cautious not to add too much cayenne pepper this will overpower the subtle flavor of the sauce.

UPDATE 9/19/04 : cut the tabasco sauce out, usage of the cayenne alone gives a much smoother, subtle heat to the sauce. the tabasco is too sour for a cheese sauce.

Serving:Lightly bake 4-6 people for approx. one hour or until munchied. Serve with chilled Kool-Aid (cherry) and hamburgers or sausage patties. Enjoy.(caution: over-indulging will result in ï¿½pasta malaiseï¿½.)

08/20/04 11:36 am estit's suprising how saying the simplest things can make people stop and stare. you know, things like "i haven't showered in almost a month, do i smell funny to you?"

strangely enough, that one only works part of the time. anyway, classes start just on the other side of this weekend, so i'm gettin ready for the ol' edumakation two-step. one of the last for me, i'll be getting out (i don't think you get to call it graduating when it's been as long as it has for me) in may. can't wait. i'll be broke and searching for whatever employment i can find, but hey, still won't be in class, and theoretically i can get on with the rest of my life. from what i've heard, i've been received favorably from the people in the union, so i think i'll be able to get a decent amount of work from them. this is good, means i won't have to wait tables to make ends meet, and that is something i *REALLY* don't wanna do.

does anybody remember how to spell kieran's last nickname? i want to link with his full nickname, but i also can't remember how it goes, mcfucdagai? mcfuctagai? mcfuctigai? mcfuctiguy? if anyone knows, please email me so somesuch, or you could post it on the comments section of adam, holly, or cara's website,'cause i check those reqularly and it seems funny to me to leave a message for someone other than the site admin. also, i dunno if that's jesse's nickname, but it's funny and i made it up, lemme know, and i'll change it if need be.

ok, anyway, just dropping in for a quick hello, hopefully i'll be doing more of this, not sure how really, but i'll try to post more, once i get the whole internet access thing worked out it should def. proove itself more of a recurrent activity. anyway, bye bye

Love, Peace and-Rhys

07/31/04 1:19 pm estDeath Knell of a Plymouth Voyager

so yesterday the van died. the radiator failed, causing the engine coolant and transmission fluid to mix. not good. pep boys says it's because the serpentine belt came off, which apparently drove the water pump, causing the engine to overheat and blow the radiator. previous theories included the possibility that the radiator just failed,it being under warrantee from pep boys. the guy there says taht technically he's not supposed to warrantee the radiator since it overheated and blew, but what about the pressure relief cap on the radiator? shouldn't it have gone first? so it's a possibility that this repair could still be covered by them. but the guy says 300 bucks to replace the radiator, serpentine tensioner and replace the coolant and transmission fluid. so basically 300 bucks before i can even KNOW if the transmission is fucked. fortunately, my parents and i can split the cost of the work, so it's only a $150 bet each way. who knows. i'm gonna ride the faulty pressure cap all the way i can. hopefully i can get them to pay for it (this is why i think he said he would warrantee the radiator, even though he said he "shouldn't")

so this means that i will not be making the trip up to NYC with adam and cara. too bad, i was really looking forward to it. but alas, these things happen. i can bike around chattanooga, the only problem with having no car is grocery shopping, but i'll figure something out. and hey, this is a blessing in disguise, better this happened here than in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, right?

that's pretty much it for right now. sucks fucking ass, but hey, that's how life is sometimes, right? it'll all be ok, i'm sure, and now i have one helluva good excuse to bike more, i'm kinda forced to.

anyway, that's it for now...

07/30/04 2:46 am ESTSo, I find myself again trapped in situï¿½What the fuck am I supposed to do when, whenever I feel something Is progressing towards an amiable outcome for both parties involved, the tide seems to turn, for one reason or another, no excuses given, itï¿½s just different. It happens, contact is made, nothing is thought much at first, then conversation. Damn those all too wonderful conversations, the ones that leave things open at the end, connections established, just waiting for data to be transmitted throughout them, like conduits for souls to be bred. At each word an avenue to be explored anew, questions to be discovered and answered, thoughts to be exchanged, learning to be hadï¿½More laterï¿½

So understandably, things can be of a complex, constantly changing nature, But why is this the status quo for an increasing number of new situations? The problem here is that one can never relapse into a mere predictable state; one is always kept guessing as to the outcome of the evening, or the date, week, day, interview, etcï¿½ one Is always kept in a never-ending stasisï¿½

This is always the state of things of late. These situations I feel are unacceptable for a concurrent reality. I am growing weary with the predictable illogical complexity of current social facadesï¿½

WHY DOES THIS WORLD DAMN ME?

So it, yet again, has happened; I am here, in my state, being as I can only be expected to be at this particular juncture of realities. I much preferred those from when they were of a simpler basic nature, being that things did not carry so much weight to them. As it is, since I have prepared sustenance for given desirables, I am therefore relegated to a lesser, subservient status? For my good deeds I am denied further advancement? Where is it written that by proving a certain skill you are therefore disallowed further progression towards desirability? This world currently occupied by the plural is needlessly containing of a largish amount of bullshit. This format and syntax are the resultant example of said conditions. Why? Exasperation. Pure and simple. Nothing more. A means of expression congruent with my current perception of life as it is now known.

So nothing is to come of these, latest in the line of many.

(The above will be pondered at and delved upon in hopes of extracting direction and thus, meaning; yet none will be had, for the object is unknown by the breadth of the current consuming populous, best be left to the conceptual form, thusly typified by syntactical example)

Syntactical: a word or no? It matters not; as communication of thought is still successful whether proper defined status is or is not extant.

k. Dissolve that, lemme know what you think it means via my email (rhysfeezled@gmail.com) I donï¿½t feel like stating it in plainer English. Why? Call it the name of beauty. Pure and simple beauty. Because the ability to do so is possessed by myself, and the ability to comprehend is possessed by those that are meaningful to me.

other than that, im jazzed about the NY trip. i love road trips and haven't taken one in quite awhile. plus i really needed an excuse to use the word jazzed twice in a paragraph.

Out...

07/23/04 5:45 pm estso i needed to link cara so that's done. hrm, ok, to begin... things seem to be going kinda groovily right now, not much to do, no real hurry to do stuff, kinda chill, me likey. heading back down to chatty tommorrow, after i get new tires, to play some airsoft, and settle back into the pattern of the mundane. david and rachel got married, yup, man and wife, totally sanctioned lovin, relligiously speaking. that was cool, the wedding was great, seeing everybody was great, my haircut was great, a good time was had by all. shane's store is opening soon, i think that's groovy as well, i hope it takes off 'cause i think he'll really enjoy it. what else... hrm, been mst3king alot these past couple of nights, that was groovy, also a good time. i fixed the radiator fan in my van with the help of sydney, so now it runs any time the car is running, which is fine by me, should keep the van running full and cold, just the way i like it. when i get down to chatty im starting an exercise program, i want to get myself back in better shape, and it'll give me something to do untill i can manage to find a job, which may or may not be easy. i don't want to do food service, and i would rather not work with the (stupid) public all day long, so we'll see how that turns out. hopefully i can get a job at cyberlan, where chuck works, that would be good, since a job with a friend is immensely better than one without.

string of consciousness, oh yeah...

what else? i dunno, life is going. oh yeah! so i may be taking a road trip up to new york for a couple of days, with my good friends: adam and cara, to pick three more of my good friends: ryan, randy and anna (the latter two having just returned from argentina) so that will be most excellent, maybe i can swing a visit to phillip whilst im at it, that would be cool as hell, it'd be nice to stop in and say hey, we'll have to see how that works out, and when he gets back into this country from poland. (he and his wife have gone there to celebrate a second wedding with her family)

so, actually, i think that's it for now, but i also think i'm going to be updating this more than i have been, i don't have many things to do lately, and this page is a good habit to cultivate, so we'll see how it goes. anyway, later on.

07/11/04 5:13 pm estyup. found that site through my own various methods (jesse's page) and i had to make the obvious. but by such a narrow margin, (and im guessing that's most likely due to syntax) interesting, eh?

but this is a landslide victory, optimus prime in da hizzy!

oooh, damn!

take that rachel! (her idea)

FUCK YEAH!

oh yeah!

prepare to be ruled

5:07 PM EST13 With A Bulletï¿½

living in a house without Internet access or cable T.V is a very interesting experience. Can also be a very boring one. One more week of class and Iï¿½m done for the summer. I canï¿½t wait, I wonï¿½t have class, Larry will be gone for a month, and Iï¿½ll have nothing to do. Iï¿½m going to finish my van and paint my apartment. After that, Iï¿½ll probably be rather bored, so Iï¿½ll cobble up some Internet access. This place also has no A.C. it does have six big windows, and they all open, so it stays decently cool in there, but the humidity sucks. The moisture is everywhere, it permeates my soul. I am humidity at this point. Relatively speaking, of course. Still, at this point I could probably sleep if it were raining on my bed.

you ever have one of those dreams where you fall in love with somebody? I had one last night, I hate them. Youï¿½re in a situation with someone. Someone who doesnï¿½t exist, whose just an amalgamated constructs of the people you already know or have seen. Youï¿½re in a situation with someone like this, and over the course of the dream, you fall in love with them-itï¿½s great, itï¿½s good, youï¿½re happy. Birds chirping in trees and all sun-cleared sky and such things. Then you wake up. Youï¿½re still in love, only now with a concept that never existed. If youï¿½re lucky, your brain realizes this and ceases the chemical processes responsible. Sometimes yes, sometimes not. I hate those kinds of dreams.

itï¿½s not been sunny now for several days. Although itï¿½s warm out, the clouds and damp air make it feel oddly cold, kind of ï¿½offï¿½ somehow. This dreary scene has just worked its way in, thatï¿½s all. Iï¿½m sure the sun will come back in a couple of days and dry out my soul.

a couple of weeks ago something happened that I sill cannot fully comprehend. You know those people youï¿½ve met in your life? Those amazingly beautiful, great people that are sixty miles out of you league? The incredibly sexy, intelligent few who always brighten your day when they are around? The kind you never quite develop a crush for, ï¿½cause theyï¿½re so far above you that you just know youï¿½ve got a snowballs chance? A couple of weeks ago I made love to such a woman. We made love all night, it was an incredible occasion. This crï¿½me de la crï¿½me of experiences only served to reaffirm something: I want a girlfriend. I need someone beside me. It struck me fully this morning; I woke up and it hurt. Not mere mental anguish, pain. Real pain. And I knew what the pain was from, it was as vivid as if Iï¿½d stubbed my toe. This is not because Iï¿½m in love with the woman I slept with. We are two of divergent paths. It was incredible, an amazing night. Thatï¿½s all we will have, some incredible, amazing nights and a great friendship. There were no saccharine, end-of-the-movie-separating-lovers type overtones. Weï¿½re adults, we know what weï¿½re doing. Also, I wonï¿½t permit myself to form emotions for this woman (sheï¿½s not her.) like I said, divergent paths, it would be futile to delude myself. But Iï¿½m not worried about that, it was a great night, and the possibility exists for other great nights in future.

thatï¿½s not the problem. Iï¿½m just lonely. Not many people here. If I want to hang out right now I have three options (which can occasionally be combined) 1) I can hang out with chuck and Shane, if theyï¿½re doing something, and for Monday night tacos (5 tacos and a beer for $3.50) 2) I can call David and Rachel and hang out with them; but they fight a lot (sorry guys, I love you to death, but you do); so I try to have somebody else there to help dissipate the drama.) 3) I can hang out with the stoners, if they return my calls. Thatï¿½s hit or miss, about a 50% hit ratio. If they know that I have pot, that ratio changes to near 100%. So if I have pot, and want to smoke pot, I can just about always hang out with people. Great, ï¿½cause thatï¿½s what I want to do all the time, smoke pot. But I really shouldnï¿½t be this negative. Things could be much worse. My sisterï¿½s a fortnight away from being homeless, so in reality Iï¿½ve got it pretty good. I just tend to make poor choices in response to my environmental stressors. But at least in a week Iï¿½ll have a break from classes. I plan to spend a week or two in Oak Ridge after this, Iï¿½ll need you guys for some R ï¿½n R.

which brings me to another point. Holly, I donï¿½t know whatï¿½s happening up there right now, but youï¿½re still my friend, god dammit, and I want to chill out with you, too. I am saying this objectively and in the open because I feel it garners the importance. You love your game, but the game is not reality. Iï¿½m sorry, itï¿½s just not. I love you to death and consider you my equal now, but you need to realize that itï¿½s getting out of hand. No Iï¿½m not calling you out. Youï¿½re not a liar, Iï¿½m not making specifics because they donï¿½t need to be made. Not necessary. Iï¿½m just asking you to come back to us. We miss you. Hell, you may not even be playing the game anymore, but it feels like you are. This world is only like the game if you let it be like the game. Is this of such critical importance that I need mention it on my website? Maybe not, I could just be overreacting like I always do.

The other day in Spanish we were talking, and profe rattled something off in Spanish, I think it was ï¿½there are some who walk in the rain, and some who get wet.ï¿½ Anyway, it really impressed this girl in the class, and she said ï¿½I wish I knew how to talk good Spanish real fastï¿½.And I said (before I could stop myself):ï¿½Primero recomiendo apprende habla Ingles.ï¿½the guy next to me chuckled, I think heï¿½s the only one who heard it.also there was some brief balderdashing, so here that is:

rotasism:a way of detecting the truly obvious illuminati/a method of defeating and deluding the bup(bovine urban proletariat)

snits:the truly desperate, fully deluded aristocratic establshmentariats.{scene}kolshiqua: you know that bloodshot glaze really brings out the green in his eyes.obsequia: hush, I think he's trying to communicate.kolshiqua: do you think he wants a Twinkie?obsequia: fnord!kolshiqua: what?obsequia: nothing, do you think he wants a Twinkie?(stab, thud, bleeding & accoutrements)levont: hail Eris like a mutha, bitches; Kalisti up in Da hizzouse! (Uzi, Uzi, Uzi, blah blah blah dead)(ain't nothing like ebonics with proper punctuation)obsequia: bitch, you best 'get up out my Kool-Aid with that golden apple shit, BA ain't your baby daddy!.Kolshiqua: baby, I just think he wants some food. {/scene}

statoblast:much has been happening at hogwarts in the last year, bow chica wow-wow!

pizzle: snoop dogg takes a leak.

gobang: {real definition}a Japanese game resembling checkers{/real definition}, then you fuck

splanohnic: a word you can understand only if you're a dirty commie lover!

sternutation: how Howard reproduces.

arotophilist: I dunno, but my younger sister probably considered it as a major (actual answer: an avid teddy bear collector)

flart: the act of bitch-slapping people when you fart.

so ya, those were funny. I hope those help sway the mood of this post back to detached objectivity, which is where Iï¿½ve been this whole time. Iï¿½m not mad, sad or anxious nor am I happy, in love, cheery, etc. Iï¿½m fairly bland right now, bland and tired, just waiting patiently for classes to be out. Iï¿½m kind of in an emotional stasis currently. The calm before the storm while itï¿½s stormy out. Cute, eh? In case you havenï¿½t heard, my old email addresses are dead. Hijacked, and free email addresses have shitty tech support if any. Therefore, Cara has heard of my plight and has hooked me up with a gmail account. Therefore, rhysfeezled@gmail.com and rdawson81@comcast.net are my two email addresses. Hopefully theyï¿½ll stick around for awhile.

Iï¿½ve been playing airsoft lately, and I find it therapeutic. Much like my (almost weekly) visits to Oak Ridge, I find it returns me to a sense of normalcy. I now have further insight as to why. When I come up there, Iï¿½m doing something. If people donï¿½t come out, they usually have a good reason. I donï¿½t want to get too into analysis here, but I just relax into Oak Ridge for the weekend, and itï¿½s great.

I seem to have no energy lately. I donï¿½t know why, maybe Iï¿½m getting older, perhaps Iï¿½m sleeping too much. Maybe the class schedule Iï¿½m in. all I know is that halfway through Spanish (my last class) I can barely keep my eyes open, and that work in the shop afterwards is like drudgery as well. Iï¿½m worried that Iï¿½m pissing off Larry, but I think he understands what Iï¿½m going through. One thing I know, his patience is near infinite, Iï¿½m just worried that Iï¿½m wearing it a little thin. So, yeah, detached objectivity, fuck that. This never really was that, and certainly isnï¿½t now. But that doesnï¿½t mean Iï¿½m sad or overrun with emotion. Merely it means that boredom has led to my stream-of-consciousness regurgitation here.

So, Iï¿½ve been sitting in a darkened classroom writing this, and it appears that class has commenced, so Iï¿½ll pause now.

05/06/04 5:48 pm estwhere to start?

new york was a blast, i had a metric fuck-ton of fun, and central park is beautiful! saw the daily show; bought fake rolexes for my parents in chinatown (bargining for price, of course). the definite high point was visiting phillip in new haven, where 1) i had the hottest curry i've ever eaten. and 2) some of the best pizza (sans cheese, who knew?) got back to much debauchery at the Y and generally had another groovy time of it. the best part prior to this event was the MMMM (million man marajuana march); which i found myself attending after buying said copy watches. we marched, people cheered, cops looked on or cheered us as well. the march ended at battery park, where they had a rally set up and digweed was spinning. yes...digweed...no joke. i spun poi and got a little applause, till my poi tangled and i found myself waylaid by a 5 year old boy who was fascinated with those things and just had to play with them. i then chatted with his rather attractive keep... err, i mean mother, until her husband walked over. but still, i had the required kick-ass time. so ya, new york was a blast.

the time since hasn't been a blast, but hey, what can you do? i will these items only in a quick bullet form, fo i don't want to dwell.1) i spent a little too much money in new york.2) yesterday, i work up to find that i'd been dropped from all my classes because the check hadn't arrived in time.3) apparently i've failed english and spanish4) im damn near certain the english grade is a mistake, but the english dept won't give out my professor's phone number5) i cannot afford to pay the power or gas deposits, so im livin the life bohemian untill i can.6)i didn't get my refund check from utc place when they said i would have it, so ive got three overdrafts putting me -$100 in my bank account.7) due to some of these things, i'll be graduating a semester late, spring '05.

like i said, i don't want to dwell on these, im pretty much over it. i still get pangs, but i can't change things, so im just going to focus on what needs to be done. i'll be in town this weekend to party, plan accordingly.

seeing phillip was great. he was running an sfx system 16 dedicated output channels. operated via ethernet (or wifi). the best part was realizing that i could have done just about everything he had done. true, he said he was taking it easy on this production, since he was graduating in two weeks, but i see it as an indicator that i'm going to be able to actually do this for a living. the question is, will my gpa be good enough (phillip says grades don't matter at yale) so mainly, will i show the tallent to offset said gpa? here's hoping i will.i stared at a jackson pollock for 45 minutes in the met. i want to say it was called pasiphae. it's one of his peices from just before he was doing what it is he's so well known for.

when i was in new york i had a hot dog from a hot dog stand. it was... a hot dog. i was kind of suprised, just a hot dog, plain old normal hot dog. i really had thought they'd have a special taste or something, but no, just a $2.50 hot dog. speaking of food, if in new york go to john's pizzareia , on bleeker st . i believe that sentence says everything you need to know. i underlined the important parts for you so you'll know why, just in case.

so ya, new york, what a fuckin' city. incredible, exquisite, smells slightly of cheese in places, but none the less a groovy place.

oh yeah, my apartment? green. not just green, light neon green.i live at 656 palmetto st, apt #4, otherwise known as the epicenter of electric key lime goodness. even the fucking closet is painted green. getting painted? oh, i think quite. very much painted. although, of the two rooms, there are 6 windows, not including the one in the bathroom, so 7. every exterior wall has a window on it, and two fire places. working? we'll find out. so ya, no furniture, no power (yet), wireless internet access forthcoming. all will be good in xanadu again. (just gotta get rid of this olivia newton john infestation)

progress on the van continues (for readers just joining us, i'm driving the "i got kids" mobile for insurance purposes. only a couple of years, then i get my baby back.) what does it look like? you will see, you will see.

oh yeah, freud was right, it really is all about sex.

04/13/04 3:04 am estThe perfectionist

The close-cropped hair of a manï¿½s head slowly rose into my view, I watched as he climbed from the cellar he was hiding in. Green sweater, khaki pants, I caught the glint of the sun in his glasses as his head turned towards me. Slowly exhaling, I gradually squeezed, keeping the manï¿½s ear in the center of my reticule. KRAK! The manï¿½s head was obscured from view by a fine red mist.

Instantaneously, shots responded from below him, cursing under my breath, I stood and moved behind the barn Iï¿½d been crouching next to. Rounds chewed the dirt where I had just been standing. ï¿½Have to remember to wait for both of them next time.ï¿½ I thought while I ran, moving to a better position. The Heckler and Koch PSG-1 is an excellent mid-to-long range sniper rifle, but when your opponent has a Steyr Aug, and is closing fast, you move, and move quickly. Retreating to the main complex, I climbed rapidly, my hot breath reflecting back in the narrow duct. Height, I needed height. And range, range was good. Until I could get him in the building, and me out, there was no chance of anything but a close-quarters battle, and I was out-gunned for such a skirmish.

Reaching the roof I stopped, crawling behind an air exchanger to catch my breath. Listening, listening for anything, the corrugated tin roof cold under me. Seconds passed, feeling like hours. My breath loud, I was sure the sound of it was carrying well in the dry desert air. My heart had calmed when I heard it: footsteps in the ducting below. He couldnï¿½t, there was no way he was following my trail, and he couldnï¿½t be that stupid! I listened, the footsteps came closer: 100 feet, 75 feet. At 52 feet I could hear his gear belt scraping on the sides of the duct and I knew he was coming my way. Putting my scope on the first click, I centered the reticule on the opening of the duct. 30 ft, 25, 20 ftï¿½ I could hear his breath! I tightened my grip, if only Iï¿½d chosen the Awp! I could have shot him through the roof and ducting, ending all of this. Fifteen feet, 10 ftï¿½ heï¿½d stopped, what was he doing? The only reason youï¿½d stop before an opening was toï¿½ he couldnï¿½t, he didnï¿½t have one, surely heï¿½d have used it by now! I heard the faint click of a safety pin being pulled free. Before he had a chance to throw it I was up and running. The duct was the only direct entry point to the roof, and that was not currently available. One side of the roof had a terraced roof, but which side was it? I was headed north, and I had only 5 seconds to make it to the ground, so north it would have to be. Behind me I heard the grenade bounce off the air exchanger where Iï¿½d been hiding. He must have noticed that, too.

As I came up on the edge, I looked with despair; below me was a 30-foot drop to sandstone. I had 4 seconds to get off of this roof, I was still in the shrapnel zone, and my enemy would be along shortly even if the grenade didnï¿½t kill me. I looked at the wall below me, there was a window about half way down; if I could catch it with my hands, I could drop in two stages. Slinging my rifle over my shoulder, I lowered myself over the ledge, I dropped towards the window, grabbing at the sides of the window box. I made contact, but felt a searing pain in my left hand as a splinter drove itself through my hand. But Iï¿½d made it; I was now hanging with about 9 feet to the ground below me. WHOMP! The shock of the grenade transmitted easily through the old building and threw me to the rock below. As I hit, I heard a crunch. The rifle! Sure enough, un-slinging the PSG-1 from my back, I found the scope crushed, the long barrel bent slightly. Picking myself up, I turned and ran as far as possible. No weapon, what was I going to do? How could I defeat this guy, who obviously had some experience? Experience is a rarity in this field. You either start good, or you die. Sure one can pick up some tricks here and there along the way, but for the most part itï¿½s how instinctual you are.

When Iï¿½d put about a half-mile between my pursuer and myself, I stopped to catch my breath and think. I was half-parched in this arid climate. The sun beat down on the scrub pine and boulders strewn about the complex, heading my arms, evaporating sweat from my person at an alarming rate. I sat and thought; with no weapon, I was a sitting duck. Sure, I could try to set some traps for this guy, but this wasnï¿½t a movie, that sort of thing didnï¿½t work out here. Besides, there was nothing to use except pine and sand. If I could get to the outbuildings, I may be able to make a decent spear, or perhaps a firebomb of some sort, that could buy me some time. I ran through the contents of the two sheds in my mind (Iï¿½d paused there as a potential stalk site, but rejected them almost as quickly. With only one door, a shed was a snipers worst nightmare, the trap waiting to happen.) If I could get a pistol, that would help. Body armor would be nice, but I wasnï¿½t near an armory. The other guy! Of course! Heï¿½d had an M4A1 when I shot him, and my enemy had not picked it up. Hell, heï¿½d have the full 100 rounds with it, since it used a different caliber than the Aug! If I could only get to it. Clear on the other side of the complex, about a mile of poor cover away and my opponent between it and me. If he saw where I was heading, he could be waiting for me there. Still, it was my only option, and he didnï¿½t know my rifle was down. I had to get there.

Burying my Psg and ammo under the boulder, I set off, keeping wide, sticking to the big rocks. I could give the complex as wide a berth as I wanted, but in the deep sand I was leaving a trail even a blind man could follow, so I had to be quick, get there before he realized where I was headed. Going rock to rock like this was nerve wracking. Run, duck, peek, look, and run the cycle monotonous with adrenaline. still, I was covering distance, about halfway there. I made it to the houses with no sign of my enemy. Not good; he started here; he may have retreated to lay in wait for me. Were that the case, I could be walking into his lap. I saw the barn off to my left, that meant I was maybe two houses down, 1 over from where the M4 should be. I moved to the south side of the shack in front of me, giving me a clear vantage of the cellar doors. Sure enough, the M4 lay in the open, where it had slid when I shot the first man. Slowly, ever so slowly, I crept up on it, 100 feet more and I would be at it, changing the course of the game. I got closer, senses coming alive with adrenaline, turning on, my heart beating so hard I could see it if I were to look down. At the corner of the last house I paused. 15 feet to the rifle and all in the open, no cover anywhere. Just then I heard a small sliding noise. Sounded like a clip being drawn against a concrete surface. I looked up, and my heart stopped. Over the edge of the very building I was on protruded the barrel of a Steyr Aug. 15 feet was so close, yet so far away. He must have seen the broken glass at my impact site and made the only guess he could. He knew I was weaponless. What could I do? If I caught him unawares, I could make a run for the rifle, but there was no cover out there, only the cellar, and the cellar was a trap waiting to happen. Well, at least it was shade, and the manï¿½s body had fallen down there, so If I wanted the extra ammo Iï¿½d have to go down there anyway. Slowly, terryifingly slowly, I edged out, back against the wall, face looking up at that barrel, I got as close to the m4 as I could. Positioning myself in a straight line, me, M4, cellar door. I drew out my knife; if I could at least get him to look the other way, I would stand a better chance of getting underground. I threw it down the alley as far as possible. It fell about 75 feet down with a clatter. As soon as the barrel swiveled, I was off, grabbing the M4, the sun-heated metal almost burning my hands. I jumped into the cellar as the Aug reported over my head. Hitting the ground, I jumped backwards, as bullets slammed into the wood over my head, a few shooting through the rotten parts, making little fingers of light in the darkness of the cellar. I checked the clip: nearly full. Crawling over to the corpse, I went over it for gear. Three extra magazines, a canteen, and a flashbang! My saving grace! The flashbang could be my way out of here. Any novice could tell you that flashbangs are useless, anybody that has seen one once knows to look away. But looking away was what I was counting on; it would give me just enough time to get into position. I put a fresh clip into the m4, and set it to full-auto. Not as accurate, but I was maybe 30 feet from this guy. Grabbing the flashbang in my right hand, and the M4 in my left, I got on the second step of the ladder. One deep breath, pull, toss, up. At the whump of the flashbang, I swiveled around, facing the ledge. No barrel, I waited. Where was he? He moved! Why did he move? It was like he knew what I was going to do, knew there was a flashbang down there on his dead buddï¿½ I heard a twig snap behind me. I turned, just in time to see the muzzle flash of the Aug, and my sight went dark. DAMN! Pushing the keyboard back, rubbing my eyes, I checked the clock on my computer: 3:45 am. Damn it, Iï¿½ve been playing Counter Strike way too much lately.

just a little light reading for the hell of it.

03/15/04 9:22 pm esthappy ides, everybody! just a quick little blip to link a great picture of syd and of a tag that i saw that looked familiar. more later.

03/03/04 12:09 am estThe balderdash answers are up, so you may click and read to your hearts content. (scroll down to "round 2" for the most recent). other than that, not alot to say. soon i should have my car back after a $2500 smush-up that i really don't feel like talking about. anyway, life has been.. well, life, i guess. life and i aren't on the best of terms right now, but we'll get over it in due time i suppose. classes are pretty groovy, and im looking forward to spring break. that's really about all there is to say right now, for some reason i've been blocking up when i think about updating this page. i dunno why, i just don't have anything to say yet. that will change in time, i just don't know how much. im not upset, more just numb. that does not, however, change the fact taht whis weekend was most excellent. out.

01/29/04 4:56 am ESTSoï¿½ yeahï¿½ Iï¿½m here. I have nothing to say, but Iï¿½m hereThe words that I want to form just will not come. Iï¿½m sitting here trying to think about something decent and poignant to say, and itï¿½s not fucking working. I donï¿½t know why, but itï¿½s just not. Iï¿½m sick of this shit. I feel like I should be doing something worthwhile and Iï¿½m just not. I canï¿½t even fucking think, I want to feel good. Like Iï¿½m progressing, like some form of good, or even productivity, is coming out of my actions. But it just isnï¿½t and Iï¿½m fucking sick of it. IM FUCKING SICK OF IT!

I need change; boy fucking howdy am I overdue for change. Listen to me, here I am bitching about change, like somebody is going to come and hand it to me, like itï¿½s a fucking care package. ï¿½Hereï¿½s your parcel of change for the weekï¿½ like itï¿½s a fucking care package, shit, for what? So that I can take it and rub it all over my body and slide around while I wait for it to soak in? right. Not gonna fucking happen. I have to make change. I need to make change. I need some fucking metaphorical quarters. Iï¿½m not doing anything here. I need to make something fucking happen, but I just canï¿½t, I wonï¿½t, sure, these things are important as hell to me now, but I canï¿½t make them change at all, and I donï¿½t know why. Iï¿½m very worried that the mushrooms I took this weekend resulted in only a false positive of an epiphany. But it should be the start of something, goddamn it! It should fucking be the start of something. WHY CANT I MAKE SHIT HAPPEN? (Funny thing, that shit was supposed to be ï¿½thisï¿½ but it came out that way and I like it better). Lying in bed, crunched up in my sheets, sweating through a yellow, planar reality, it was too much. I didnï¿½t like it. My neighbors downstairs were kind enough to make noise and remind me which direction home was in. Wonï¿½t be doing that again. Jess and Jesse came over at 2 in the morning to sit with me while the Psilocybin wore off. Wonï¿½t be doing that again, hell, I probably wonï¿½t write as well as I had for about 6 months. But still, howï¿½s that for friendship, eh? Itï¿½s a truly amazing thing, and Iï¿½m eternally grateful. This is why Iï¿½m updating; Iï¿½m making a return to brutal honesty. Things are NOT going well, I DONï¿½T know what Iï¿½m fucking doing, and I DONï¿½T feel good about myself.

Still, Iï¿½m exhausted over this, I really, earnestly yearn for change, I know it must be self-motivated, but I canï¿½t do it! I donï¿½t know why, but I cant. Take this for instance, itï¿½s very important to me right now, but even now, Iï¿½ll go to sleep, wake up at 11 or 12, hit my snooze alarm 8 times, probably wonï¿½t go to class, I might go to work, but if I do Iï¿½ll be sluggish and lazy and try to do as little as possible there. Iï¿½ve come to loathe my bed. Why? , I donï¿½t fucking know. Who Is john galt? Fuck that shit, as self-loathing and full of pity as this is, Iï¿½m not gonna stoop to 2 bit literary references yet.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this? Why canï¿½t I make it stop, or change? Call this wallowing in self-pity, call it whatever the fuck you want, but Iï¿½m fucking sick of it. This is why I canï¿½t put up with your elitist bullshit, your constant abrasive attitudes, the fact that you try to make opinion law, that you put down any remote attempt at wit, humor or intelligence. There is nothing you can say to me that I have not already screamed at myself one hundred fold. You merely pretend to dislike my actions; I loathe them. Everyone has enemies and friends; I hate myself more than anyone else I know. Whatever it is Iï¿½m supposed to be doing right now, Iï¿½m so far away from it Iï¿½ve lost track. i look back at my past in awe, it is not my past i review. How Iï¿½ve come to be here I do not know, nor as to where Iï¿½m going. I only know Iï¿½m here now, adrift, and itï¿½s weird, weird-bad, weird-horrible, weird-stagnant, I donï¿½t fucking know, but Iï¿½m sick of it. I want to change, I really fucking do, but I just donï¿½t know how. I have to do something ï¿½cause this shit is kicking my ass, any suggestions, lemme know.

I donï¿½t fucking know why I wont, either

01/15/04 8:52 pm estso, updateschnelling, ya, here we go... not much new, i 'm digging all my classes, philosophical psychology is groovy, the teacher is a trip, i like my other claseses too, even ehls 021 isn't bad, and that's just PE. today in scuba i was doing the underwater dolphin kick with my eyes closed (Because of the chlorine in the water, my eyes were killing me) and i went too, hitting the wall and breaking my two front teeth in the process. Nick: don't do this.if it starts to hurt i self-medicating with burbon untill i can go to the dentist. adam: sorry you didn't get the fbi interview, you've always been like a big brother to me. holly, enjoy your dammed cold weather, it should complement your dammed cold heart ;-) (aww, you know i love ya, just couldn't resist). anyway, im gonna go pour my self some "medicine" and relax.

01/01/04 7:55 pm estOk, gosh, umm, hi! so ya, i'm updating. let's see, where to start? i know! i've posted the Balderdash answers, they're also above on the left, so read them and laugh, and holly: feel free to take it and make it purty(er). well, christmas was good, it's been great to see all of you, i've had some good times these past two weeks, it's been nice. some of the most stressful events of my life have played themselves out this week, as im sure some of you have noticed. oh well, what can you do? things happen, we cope, the world continues it's revolve.

i'm still in a daze from the randy and anna's new years eve party. not a hungover daze, a wonderment daze. It was the idyllic to my pragmatic, all things in balance, eh? I'm sorry that i missed all of you at edwards, but i went to that party first, and well, never left. i got home about an hour ago. i think this year is going to be different, it's been hands-down one of the best parties i've been to, but that kind of thing is skewed when you wake up in the arms of a beautiful woman (Who shall remain nameless). no, i didn't get laid, but i didn't need to, nor am i in a relationship, we just got exactly what we wanted from each other, and i honestly feel it strengthened our friendship.

i went to randy and anna's because i wanted a change. we've got so caught up in the bullshit of being better than everybody else that we've forgotten what it is to be friendly, just relax and have fun. i say we beacause i know i'm guilty and im pretty certain that others of us are as well. this ties in with my mention of stressors earlier, but i've been juggling some stuff, and it's made me see things in a different light, i'm being drawn into the none-too-pretty real world, and the transplant shock is a little stiff for my tastes. i have no choice, i will get used to it, that's the way it has to be. now don't get me wrong, i love you all, we are and will continue to be close friends, that kind of thing dosen't change, not even over long periods of time. the reason i am so happy is that i got something i've needed for a long time: closure. 2003 is dead and gone for me, it whisked itself away last night, and sweet jam covered jesus am i glad to see it go, i'm ready again, rejuvenated, risen from the ashes and preparing to furl my wings into the wind. Happy New Year, everybody, i honestly think it's gonna be a good one this time around.

11/25/03 5:11 PM ESTThe brightly polished steel of the Katana rose out of his chest beneath the ribs, next to the solar plexus. As he peered down at the blade, he caught a glimpse of the astonished expression on his own face. Relaxing back into his seat, he closed his eyes and let the soft black velvet of oblivion absorb him.

ï¿½ thinking back to that day always made genesis shiver. It had been 18 years since her fatherï¿½s suicide, but the thought of it still ran a shiver down her spine, made her wonder if, when the time came, she would be capable of taking the same heroic action.

she remembered finding him there; it was after school, and she had rushed to his office building, wanting to give her father a paper rose she had made in 3rd period arts class. It had been a trial to get it through the day safely. She remembered pausing in front of the polished mahogany door, watching her own distorted reflection in the doorknob as she waited for a reply to her knock. When no reply came, she gently turned the knob and peeked in

it was the security guard down the hall that responded to her scream. Later on, clad in a woolen blanket, head resting on her motherï¿½s lap, she learned it was the only honorable option left him. When your company is about to be snatched out from under you, the best way out is at the end of a sword.

ï¿½Madame Okama? Is everything alright?ï¿½ the words tugged her back into the present like an elastic cord attached to her subconscious. She realized she had been staring at the contract in front of her. ï¿½yes, everything is perfectly acceptableï¿½, she said ï¿½ I always pause to reflect before I take over a company.ï¿½

that evening, freshly composed, she lounged on the upper deck of her house, sipping on a Tom Collins. 158 million, that was her current net worth, today she had signed her way into the top 50 most powerful women in the world, and all before her 30th birthday. There had been messages on her public line when she returned home; time, Newsweek and fortune had wanted to interview her. ï¿½I take over companies for my own reasons.ï¿½ She had told them. Besides, they always asked the same questions: why did she always completely restructure the management of the companies? Why did she cross-hire people between her companies? And why most of all did she refuse to fire anyone whenever she took over 51% of stocks? She declined interviews for one simple reason: anybody that had done their homework would already know the answers. Her fatherï¿½s suicide had not been kept secret, and she didnï¿½t feel like telling the same story every time she found another piece of the pattern she was looking for.

That was the story I started today while I was waiting for Megan to finish the final in environmental science. For any of you that may have noticed a change in my behavior, the above sentence should explain the situation quite nicely. Iï¿½ve not elaborated on this because a: I donï¿½t want to, and b: I donï¿½t think I can. Iï¿½m not sure what the situation between us is. I intend to find out, but Iï¿½m taking my time, and doing my best not to worry about it. Needless to say, thatï¿½s not always effective, but it seems to be the best course of action at present. This coming Sunday I hope to know more, as we have semi-solid plans for dinner. (of course, the illustrious ï¿½sheï¿½ and I had similar plans, so who knows.) fortunately for me this time around Iï¿½m so jaded that I donï¿½t think itï¿½ll bother me for more than a week if things donï¿½t work out.

Ok, what else is new? Iï¿½m registered for classes, scuba being the one I most look forward to. Between spring and summer semesters, Iï¿½ll have all but 15 of the credit hours I need, so ::crosses fingers:: if all goes well I should graduate in December of ï¿½04. Better late than never, right? Ok, what elseï¿½ ï¿½PayCheck 3: the search for jobï¿½ continues, albeit slowly. The want ads for Chattanooga have been less than one page long for the past two weeks. Fortunately, next semester I plan on returning to the shop. Minimum wage sucks, especially at 8 hours a week, but itï¿½s better than nothing, so Iï¿½m going to do that while I continue my search. Iï¿½m looking forward to the break, itï¿½ll be nice to see/hangout/drink with you all again. And congrats to Erin for graduation. That reminds me! Congrats to Dave, Rachel, Steven and Karen on your engagements, the weddings should be lots of fun, letï¿½s not snort coke of the tits of any strippers this time, ok?

Alrighty, so, ya. Iï¿½ve kinda run out of stuff to talk about for right now. Still no submissions to the aforementioned contest, which is not a surprise considering it canï¿½t be won. Anyway, thatï¿½s about it for now.

11/13/03 2:32 am estso, just a quick word: i'm officially having a competition! the prize is yet to be determined, but it shall be grand. what do you have to do to win, you ask? well, the none-too-easy task is this: i want a REAL (non photoshoped, non-wigged, not from a movie or tv show) picture of a black man with a mullet. like i said, the prize will be grand.

11/05/03 6:04 pm estï¿½and thus they descended, shining brilliantly as their gossamer wings caught the light, the harbingers of unknown futures riding their backs like demons circling in on a dammed soul. Perches were lit upon, and the watching began, to see if these foolish mortals would even be worth the trouble of enlightenment.

Hey all. So itï¿½s been determined, my dad once again seeks employment. Man I canï¿½t begin to tell you how sick I am of this constant tumultuous bullshit. One second everything is fine, the next itï¿½s not. I keep telling myself ï¿½chin up, this is what separates the men from the boysï¿½ but Itï¿½s hard, ya know? Anyway, Iï¿½m not gonna be pissy and bitchy, so weï¿½ll leave that at that. I hope.

This past weekend was fun, I had a great time at the respective parties. After kidnapping Jesse and dining at the wok, we went to our first party of the evening. Adam, Christian, Ryan et all, it was great to see you guys again, glad to know everybody is doing well. Hollyï¿½s party was a blast, even though I knew like four people there, I still had a great time. The definite high point was when I started doing my poi (like Iï¿½m prone to do when Iï¿½m drunk at parties like that). As I was playing around, people kept coming up to me and saying ï¿½thatï¿½s really awesome, manï¿½. It was great, Iï¿½ve never gotten props for just playing around like that before, kinda made me feel special. Anyway, after my arms tired, I went inside and played drunk to keep the lecherous professor du jour off Joan untill we ventured to the ridge and commenced operation ï¿½sleep it offï¿½ at hollyï¿½s. the morning after Jesse and I made the return trip to chatty. Thatï¿½s really about it for right now, it was just time to update, even though I had relatively little to say. Anyway, Iï¿½ll update at some point in the future. Out.

10/10/03 1:58 am ESTI WAS A TEENAGE BURUFUNK

ï¿½It was at that point that we all decided to pool our trust-funds and form a communeï¿½

It ended up being the eight of us in a three-bedroom house on the upper east side. The like-minded qualities we shared turned the place into an intellectual hive. And oh, the drugs! Each week we would all meet ï¿½round the worn particleboard table in the kitchen to compile our shopping list. Said list would then be divided amongst the eight of us, and we were all responsible for coming up with each and every item (or substitute) on our portion. Later that evening, we would gather again to accept praise for our successes, and punishment for our failures. We would pile the drugs high, and just stare at the mass of chemical enjoyment laid out before us on our altar of hedonism. About a week later, we would once again pool our funds and the hunt would begin anew.

Naturally, this utopia for the chemically deranged couldnï¿½t go on forever. Funds dwindled, job performances slacked, and bills went unpaid. At some point in time the neighborï¿½s dog wandered in and was mistaken for a free-range hog. Still the weekly meetings continued; the shopping lists went unfilled, or the drugs got cheaper. One day somebody happened on a huge stash of methamphetamine, that was the start of our downfall.

I remember, three days without sleep, nostrils raw from the rubbing, wide-eyed and chattering, Alice and I realized the cause of all our sorrows. It was jerry; he had started it all. We fell on his couch like vultures, accusing him of trying to turn us into mindless slaves. Unfortunately, we were so gone from the speed that our well-oiled argument desiccated into a couple of babbling idiots calling jerry the same name over and over again, but we were too fucked up to care. ï¿½You think you can drive us slaves, you slave-driver? Weï¿½re not some slaves to be driven, like slaves by a slave driver! So quit driving us like slaves, you slave driver! Weï¿½re not your slaves to be driven, go get other slaves, slave-driver!ï¿½

Having won our freedom, Alice and I grabbed all the money in the house ($15.87), the speed, and what was left of the dog. We made sure jerry was still breathing (he had not stirred during our misguided diatribe), and left.

While this turned out to be a move for the better (the park benches we now slept on were refreshingly devoid of urine and fleas), we soon realized the negative side of homelessness: sobriety. We lost our fifteen dollars in a botched attempt to buy a car. Alice started giving hand-jobs to buy generic cough syrup, but that fell through when she developed carpal-tunnel in both wrists. Soon we were so desperate for a buzz that we ended up searching the pockets of goodwill store leisure suits for Quaaludes.

Thus I return from my hiatus. Iï¿½ve decided that Iï¿½m going to start each new post with a bit of writing for writingï¿½s sake, figure itï¿½ll be good practice. Anyway, the reason for the long delay is that I didnï¿½t want to post until I knew whether or not my dad still had a job. However, that has proven to take longer than expected. So Iï¿½m updating. I usually update my page when I feel the urge to. Itï¿½s a sort of tugging sensation on the back of my head. No, really, I get a little tugging sensation when I want to update. I have no idea why or what for, but itï¿½s there nonetheless. So, fall is here, Iï¿½m sleeping rather well and digging it. Classes are pretty easy, but thatï¿½s not suprising considering the fact that theyï¿½re all entry-level gen ed classes. Iï¿½ve been trying to get a job, but finding employment in Chattanooga is like pulling teeth. I was all set to be a security guard, but that didnï¿½t happen. Ah well, I donï¿½t think I could have worn the clip-on tie anyway.

Donï¿½t be swayed by the storylet above, Iï¿½m happy. I feel good about myself and I love it. Female companionship would be nice, but hey, isnï¿½t that always the case? Oh yeah! So burufunk two weeks ago kicked ass. Great live set, rockin music, I agree with chuck in that they will be the next BT. Very high-energy show and the live vocals were kickin it. I got my shirt signed by them. Iï¿½m gonna wear it to BT and see if I can get him to sign it as well. Speaking of, Iï¿½m very much looking forward to BT in two days. Limited on funding, but Iï¿½ve already purchased the ticket, and I can go the weekend on 20 bucks, so all will be good.

Iï¿½m learning how to fry rice. I know that sounds funny, but I bought a ten-pound bag of rice, and Iï¿½m going to get the ins and outs of working with it. Itï¿½s cheap, plentiful, and good. That goes well with me, since Iï¿½m poor and know how to cook. Iï¿½m not sure what else to talk about really, just feel like commenting on my life of late. I like my life of late; itï¿½s doing well by me. Iï¿½m just taking it easy, going to classes, and not worrying about it. I like it. Iï¿½ve realized there are some things I need to do, and Iï¿½m going to do them, but Iï¿½m sick of tired of stressing over them, so I stopped. Dunno how it happened just stopped. Iï¿½m going to talk to Robert about cultivating my creative energies and learning how to see a design through itï¿½s paces. Really concentrate on the craft building of it. Thatï¿½s pretty much what the department heads said to me in my jury last fall, I guess it just took awhile to sink in. Either way, Iï¿½m here now, and ready to do it, so Iï¿½m gonna give it my best shot. mike and Adam have added to the ranks of blog, hey guys, welcome, the line forms on the right, take a number.

Classes. Math is fun. Environmental science kicks it hardcore. My lab is great, the newest addition to my group in that class is a dreadlocked blond girl who looks like the girl from swimming pool. Yeah, me likey. Sheï¿½s nice, too. More on that as it progresses, Iï¿½m being cautious ï¿½cause itï¿½s fall. The lecture portion of the class kicks just as much ass as the lab. Take todayï¿½s class for example: we got our exams back, and went over them in class, through the debating we (the students) managed to get seven points added to the test for questions that were, well, questionable. I love my teacher, he not only expects people to question authority; he demands it.

So, midterms have come and are almost gone. The semester has gone by pretty quickly, itï¿½s odd that the speed with which time passes is directly proportional to my lucidity. I donï¿½t know what it is about me of late, but I feel my mind clearing and focusing, like my mental acuity is coming to a point. Itï¿½s great, I feel like I can do things again, like itï¿½s time for me to knock some shit out. I have no idea what, but I guess Iï¿½ll know it when I see it. So next semester Iï¿½m gonna try like hell to take scuba diving, just seems like some fun shit, breathing under water, freedom from the surface world, I have to see what thatï¿½s like, I might not like it, but I simply must experience it. So that about wraps it up for me this time, I think Iï¿½ve said everything I want to say. Peace allï¿½ï¿½quatsi.

08/26/03 6:18 pm est...bob continued to make the melon daquiris, unwittingly bringing about the end of the world whilst he did so. sugar, ice, rum, lime juice, crenshaw melon, soon it would be too late, unbeknownst to bob, the enemy crept in, ever closer. Bob set the blender to low (the blades tended to break on the ice at higher speeds), and watched his breath condense on the carafe, each breath drawing nearer to his last...

So, school's back in session, and im diggin it! i'm actually getting up on time and going to my classes, which is a big improvement from last year, when i basically didn't go to classes. books were a scorchin $528.16, and that dosen't count the $98 math book that i got for free 'cause my friend heather kicks grand-high monkey ass. so, ya, i'm digging school, it's fun, im going, i'm learning, and i feel good about the fact that im not flunking out of school. and, so far (crosses fingers, knocks on wood, prays to evil tiki god charm from the brady bunch) the 18 hours im taking hasn't been too bad. i'm hoping that will last. i don't think it will, but im hoping it does. oh, and my spanish teacher is a trip, she keeps going off on random little tangents in class, in spanish. also she teaches by context, not vocab, so im actually learing how the language works. ya, im diggin spanish, my teacher is going to enable me to ace that course and i love it. hrm, ok, other than that, not alot is new. i don't have a roomate yet. hopefully (once again, knock on wood, pray to yada yada yada), i will continue not to have a roomate for the next, well, ever. i like living by myself. also i've gotten rid of all my stuff, operation pitch the kitsch was an overwelming success. now i can have my apartment spotless in about 15 minutes, just becasue i got rid of all that crap i never used/needed in the first place. oh yeah, anybody want some furniture? i've got a bookcase, dresse, area rug,and sun in my storage unit. they need good homes, please don't make me throw them out, and subject them to life of misery and hunger on the streets, just becasue i don't need my area rug dosen't meant i want to see it on the back of a milk carton. rugs have feelings too!

anyway, with the acquisition of my amplifier, my stereo is now kickin it in 5.1 (6.1 when i run the wire for the rear center speaker). when i say kickin, i mean in the nuts, and when i say it, i mean HARD. it's got a dts decoder in it too, jesse and i watched punch drunk love on my system, needless to say, it felt like the truck hit us. hard. me likey, quite possibly too much. esp when you think about the fact that i can link my computer up to it and design in 7.1 . ya, i can write it off my taxes, it's an occupational tool for me. awww yeah... c'mon lavaughn, get yo' ass in this puddin...

08/12/03 6:39 pm estsoo, ya. the party came and went, it was fun. i had a good time, it would have been nice if it had lasted the extra hour, but cest la vie, i still had fun. the after party was nice too. not quite what i expected for my last-ever shindig, but hey, that's how it goes. anyway, i head back to school on friday, i'm taking 20 hours in the fall, so you guys may not hear from/see me much untill i get used to the balls-to-the-wall schedule (i figure 20 hours and a job is gonna be a handful.) it's weird though, i'm psyched to go back, i'm really looking forward to it. it feels like im going to school, not going back. i dunno, maybe that's 'cause im moving back into the dorms, maybe 'cause im done with my theatre degree, whatever it is, i feel good about going back, and i'm happy as hell that's the case. so, ya, i've got about two days left in this town, so i wanna spend them well, expect calls...

07/31/03 4:58 pm estThe invite. shane did a kick-ass job with this one (thanks man, i really do owe you one). if you need it in black and white, you can get it here now that that's taken care of, go forth and distribute.

07/30/03 7:43 pm estsoo, i've decided that i don't like my job anymore, and, umm, i'm not gonna go anymore. actually, that's not quite true, i'm here right now, and when you all read this, you'll understand why you were getting calls from bellsouth dsl customers. anyway, on other fronts, the party is at the garden plaza hotel, aug 9th from 7 to 1. i can't remember the url for the party flyer, so i'll have to put that up later. but untill i do, you can enjoy the new party pics site i put up. anyway, i hope you guys are having a good time, i'll talk to you later.

07/29/03 4:35 pm esthello again, everyone, lets see where to start. this weekend was nice, i went down to chattanooga and hung out with the folks from the polaroid stories . that show kicked ass, i thought it was one of the strongest productions i'ce seen at utc, and definately the strongest one by a dreaming experiment (mike's company) anyway, yeah, it was great, i was very impressed. the rest of the weekend was fun too, a nice mixture of partying and hanging out with friends, more or less exactly what i came down to do, amongst the highlights were a) watching the show (duh) b) the attempted water attack on jesse, and c) finding out that zech can fit into a freezer. so, yeah, the weekend was kick-ass. monday was nice, as it was the latter part of the weekend. but today (tuesday) i've just received a really bad peice of news: the party may not be at the civic center as planned. i called today to reserve the space, and they told me that dj's are not allowed in the banquet rooms, which is BULLSHIT, because jesse's spun in there before, and when i was there looking at the space i asked many questions about my party, and the guy had no problems answering them, nor did he mention that *tiny* fact. so i'm going to call them tommorrow, have words, and see if i can't get it worked out. if not, the party will be at the garden plaza. the down sides to this are a) we can only have the space untill 1:00 and b) no outside food or drink allowed. it's also more expensive. however, it does have a higher ceiling, you can smoke in the room, and you can go to the bar and get drinks if you want, so that's not so bad. their prices for food are outrageous though, $5.00 a pound for chips and dip, and 1.75 per can for drinks, 2.00 a bottle for water. of course, i could always go the cheap way and get iced tea, that's only 18.00 a gallon. like i said, outrageous. so, yeah, that's a major, major bummer. im hoping i can work out the civic center, the space works better for the party, all i have to do is convince them to not be bitches. so, if anybody has any ideas, lemme know. other than that, not much is goin on, i'm psyched to go back to school, it feels like im gonna get a fresh start on things. so im looking forward to what the next academic year will contain. that's it for now, watch for updates regarding the party.

07/04/03 8:47 am estHiya! Happy 4th everyone! happy (belated) birthday, claire! anyway, the moment you some have been waiting for, i've just about finished my m4 writeup! yay! woo hoo! now i get to fix all the errors in it! wait, no, that's not fun, damn.

07/02/03 6:37 pm estUpdate! Woo hoo! yeah! ow! on my nuts! alll-riiighht! good god now! huah! yeow! whoo! ok, that's enough exclaiming for right now. urrm, so, uhh, yeah! updating, alrighty, ok. so, i'm here, in knoxville, working at clientlogic, and, uhh, that's about it. oh yeah! don't work out after you go to the dentist. novocaine spreads. so, uhh, yeah, that's about that. sydney and i have in our possession (god that movie sucked) a couple of pounds of sodium. we're gonna go toss in in a lake to celebrate the 4th of july. other than that, not a whole lot is going on... hence the lack of updating... ok... good... so, i guess i'll talk to you later then. bye bye.

06/18/03 3:27 am estOMFG!! dude you have to take this test. it's a fun little test that tells you what you're like in bed. apparently i'm the "slightly kinky and attentive, who likes strange places (like the back of a volkswagen) and cuddling" type, who knew? there's no way to actually paste the results onto your webpage, but the answers are still really damn funny. so, cmon, try it you know you want to...

06/02/03 10:51 am estVince is dead. well, not really dead. he still runs ok, he just needs a radiator. when this was brought to my attention about two weeks ago, the decision was made to fix him, but for some reason that has changed, and not it's not worth it. thus, at 6 years and 1 month, vince is officially going to the scrapyard, and i'm in the market for new transportation. i have only two requirements for it: 1) that i fit in it, and 2) that it's a stick shift. good gas mileage would be a plus, but that's about it. so, umm, ya, i'm not bummed or psyched, and that's the weird thing, i half expected to feel something at this juncture, but really it's not that big of an issue. but i do feel some sort of an attachment to vince, he was my first car, and he lasted me longer than everybody elses' first car, so it was a kind of pride issue, i guess, since i was thought of as the worst driver of the group. ah well, i guess we get to start the hunt anew, i wonder what i'll end up with this time...

05/26/03 2:33 pm estumm... ya, so... hi! how's it goin? this is my first actual update since the move, uhh, yeah. i guess i'll start with a recap. ok, so chattanooga blows goats when it comes to finding a job, as many of my friends down there have and are continuing to notice. as the dice fall, it turns out that i'm up in knoxville for the summer, working at clientlogic. yay! well, partial yay! anyway, it's a job that i can do, which i don't mind, and it pays well, which i really like. this time i'm actually gonna save the money i make, well most of it anyway. so, ya, i'm taking 20 hours in the fall, kinda psyched about it actually, i'm looking forward to actually doing something in school again. don't get me wrong, theatre is both time consuming and challenging, but it's not exactly normal classes, is it? so, ya, looking forward to that, it's time for me to get the hell out of undergrad. let's see, what else is new? vince is getting a new radiator, apparently when my brakes fucked up and i got the smacked by the oncoming traffic it messed up my radiator. ah well, one more thing, he [vince] only has to last me another two years or so anyway, so i'm not worried about it, i think he'll make it. holly gets back soon, that's groovy, it will make oak ridge yet more fun (fun increases proportionally to the amount of monkeys in the near vicintity) since some of you will be departing for the summer relatively soon (read: Daria, Erin, Alex)and those that will be absent for the summer months (read: chux0r, lunchcocks, adam, etc). hrm, what else... i'm tryin to think, i'm fairly certain i had other nifty and/or extiting news to share, but i just can't quite think of it at this juncture. oh yeah! news about the party:

so this is how it's looking thus far, i've got everything i need for one kick ass party except the place to have it. needless to say this is an issue, i'm trying to think of places where such an event could take place, and the outcome is grim: there's no place in oak ridge that is either a: acceptable, or b: affordable. unless i can rent the high school caffeteria or f-gym for two days,[sarcasm] and something tells me the school authorities are just gonna jump at the chance to let me do that.[/sarcasm] i'm thinking i might call up the roller rink where the first rave was held, and see what rent is gonna be like for that. that would be cool, but the shindig ain't gonna be that grand, i'm thinking 100-150 people max. who knows, we'll see what turns out, if anybody has an idea about spaces, by all means let me know, it's coming down to the wire on this one, i set the date for june 28th, and i intend to keep it at all costs. k, enough of that.

i'm pleased to announce that i'm thoroughly enjoying being back up in the ridge area again. honestly i thought that a summer of this would be comprable at best to some sort of slow torture. i realize now why that is, and why i was mistaken. but that dosen't matter, it feels good to be back in an odd sort of way, but thus far i'm having a good time, i was ready for a break, and that's what i'm getting, so i'm glad. anyway, i think that's gonna be about it for me, i have a tendency to update in 20 minute increments, so time's up, more later.

ï¿½such is the babble one is given to come up with when youï¿½re riding the edge of sleep like a motorcycle on a tightrope. Your psychotic drivel shrouded in a clean esoteric fog, and your brain relentlessly hammering away at itself, as the stream of consciousness expands into a river, flowing downstream with increasing pace untill it deposits ego at the delta and rushes headlong into dream. the brackish, iddy waters of the subconscious ocean removing the last traces of directional current,being left to drift on the tides of theta waves, growing untill again there is strength enough to spawn upstream and start the process anew.

well, I thought I didnï¿½t have anything in mind for an update, turns out it was right ;-)

much more writing of this nature with almost undoubtedly take place, as there is no real quota to be filled, and no committee has been set to regulate the babbling of the chemically deranged fool. Is it meta? Lunacy? What precludes this strange tangle of words left to their own devices? Direction? Purpose? Hidden agenda? These apply all and none, as this is merely static put to paper. static which, in being nothing, is everything.

I find this makes more sense if I turn out the light

Back, shrouded in darkness, it comes again. Thoughts, concepts, phrases come swooping down like desert vultures on a newly marroned piece of flesh. Unyeilding, unending, they circle; waiting to dive through muscle, into pen, and onto paper; paying little or no heed to the order in which they come out, merely that they get out of this vast wasteland before they are dropped back forever into the realms of the forgotten.

What a dark place that is, snippets of emotion and thought locked away, some of their own volition. Waiting, for that slim chance to slip back out, that narrow gate that never gives any warning of when it will open, or for how long. This is the bad country to which he was referring, as there is no telling what will crop up next in any psyche with the perspicacity to be conflicted, compacted, or constrained.

Touching back, this is noise, not ego or superego, id at best, these are concepts proving their being for beingï¿½s sake. No order or method, at least by conscious choice(other than syntax). But this is spent, time to let the psyche yeast ferment the mental sugars into yet more product.

wallowing in bad country, here in the mental, with governing no longer carried out by thought processes. Stuck here in the meat, the real doldrums, physical process being compulsory, writing being regurgitated with no forethought, as it has gone on holiday.

Ok, enough of that drivel, Iï¿½m going back to bed. See what happens when you fall asleep listening to phillip glass?

04/12/03 3:25 pm estso i've been thinking about joining the reserves. no, i've not gone crazy, i've been thinking about it over the past couple of years. basically i want some direction in life, and i would like to get back in shape, and the money they would give me would be nice. i was thinking about the army core of engineers, my friend kevin was in that, and he didn't even get called up for this iraq thing. anyway, this is a big decision, and i want input from all of you one it, i value your opinions as much as my own, and i think that some different points of view on the matter will help me make up my mind about it.

04/11/03 7:18 pm estDude, i am such a Bastard. I feel kind of like i've influenced jesse's thoughts of late. but oh well, he said it, not me. oh yeah, and possession really did suck.

04/06/03 10:16 PM ESTSo... my page, yeah. Haven't really touched it in awhile. Havenï¿½t really known what to say lately, I guess. Things have been strange in an all-too-lucid sorta way. Personally Iï¿½m confused as fuck on the matter, I dunno, I guess I get like this when Iï¿½m snubbed by a group of friends, the sting just kinda makes you question what it is you're doing. But as much as is stings, Fuck 'em. This is who I am, maybe I over complicate things, maybe I over analyze things, but you know what? Thatï¿½s who I am, it's a part of me, neuroses comes with that whole bipolar package, it's just part of the deal, you either love it or leave it. Oh and mike, Iï¿½m disappointed in you. If you don't want me to smoke pot in the house (which I had never planned on anyway) you of all people should know that all you had to do is ask ME, not go behind my back and ask john. That was despicable of you in a very passive-aggressive way, youï¿½re one of my best fucking friends and you can't ask me something like that to my face? That stings man, it really does. But you know what, Iï¿½m passive-aggressive too, so Iï¿½m going to let you find this out by reading my webpage. Anyway, on to other things...

So I have no idea what Iï¿½m doing. Iï¿½m going to Chicago at the very beginning of May with the department. Iï¿½ve decided Iï¿½m going to be Hunter S Thompson while Iï¿½m in Chicago, and hopefully that will get it out of my system. (I bought where the buffalo roam on dvd and watched it four times in a row. I started to slip into it after awhile. it was fun, but very saccharine. Anyway, Iï¿½m not him, and there is no way I could ever be successful in life if I did that many drugs, so Iï¿½m not gonna even try, Iï¿½ll just have a lot of very fucked up fun in Chicago and hopefully be done with it.

As for the big ass blowout party/rave/whatever. Iï¿½m glad to see that Iï¿½m getting positive responses regarding it thatï¿½s some good news. Sydney had an interesting proposition: an outdoor. That could be fun, but I think it would take one hell of a lot of work. Of course this thing is gonna take a lot of work anyway, but Iï¿½m not sure if we could even pull that off, we would need some large outdoor tents, MASSIVE generators and sound baffles for them, not to mention the necessary permits and crowd control. Oh yeah, and a big-ass field to do it in. Iï¿½m not saying the idea is bad, itï¿½s a possibility. I was also thinking about the grove (getting permission from the owners this time) but Iï¿½m not sure if thatï¿½s doable or not. One thing is for certain, this party will be 1: extant, 2: kick ass, and 3: as big as possible (read huge). Iï¿½ve thought about trying to promote a rave and get the owner of the ballroom to let us do it there, but I donï¿½t know how well that would work, and frankly, I want it to be more of an overgrown house party anyway. I dunno, we shall see as to what happens. Had some more run-ins with her, they were amusing in a pathetic sort of way; Iï¿½m not going to waste any more time on her. So, umm, yeah. Need a venue for the party, any takers? Maybe we can use a house mikeï¿½s mom is selling ;-). But we do need to arrange some locale of some sort. Iï¿½m fine with the outdoor idea assuming we can get the site prep done and arrange both before and after damage control, even a crowd of 100 people can generate some serious trash, and not only I donï¿½t like littering, fines suck ass.

So Iï¿½m done in the department. Itï¿½s one of the strangest feelings of my life, melancholy and apathy abound, I miss it but at the same time I know Iï¿½ve grown beyond it, at least to say my path and that of the department are divergent; Iï¿½m moving on, I just donï¿½t know where. Got some ideas, but I donï¿½t know where just yet. I told Adam that I lost my soul, I wasnï¿½t kidding, I know where it is, and I just have to get over there to get it. Iï¿½m not sure how to do that just yet, but Iï¿½ve got some ideas. I worked my first union overhire gig on Tuesday. It was refreshing to be in a professional theatre environment again. I walked in, and even though people were relaxed, it was palpable; scents of focus and determination rode the air. The 9:00 bell rang, we had the meeting and we were off; 70 people all focused and getting shit done within inches and feet of each other. It was beautiful, almost everybody knew what the fuck they were doing. I wasnï¿½t special, I wasnï¿½t strange, and I wasnï¿½t anything but the new guy. The out was just the same, everything went smoothly. Then I get to the theatre and the sound designer for the show is asking me how to plug a fucking CD player into the mixing board. I think you can get from that anecdote at least one aspect of the aforementioned divergence. Now donï¿½t misinterpret; the department is not bad, it has itï¿½s problems but they are not of my concern at the moment, I simply prefer to work in more focused and professional settings, thatï¿½s what happens in these situations, youï¿½re supposed to outgrow your surroundings until you get to where youï¿½re going to be. Iï¿½m going to be a sound designer, I choose and am required to work at a more professional level than college theatre, that is all. Another thing that Iï¿½ve realized; Iï¿½m growing apart from people in Chattanooga, like I said, divergent pathways. Also, Iï¿½m lonely. Iï¿½ve said this before, but I really want to find a female companion, somone to just relax and be with. Dunno when thatï¿½s gonna happen, but Iï¿½m looking forward to It when it does.Anyway, I think thatï¿½s about it for this regurgitation of psyche, more will probably follow at some point or another, as that just kinda tends to happen with me. This concludes our broadcast dayï¿½

03/06/03 8:22 pm estSo i've been thinking alot lately,about my friends, who's going what way, who's making the good choices and who's making the bad. Also i have been thinking an even greater amount about me, what im going to do and what choices i have made/will make. presently im in a flux, going from state to state. at the end of this semester i'll be done with my theatre degree, but will still have ALOT of gen-ed to deal with (such are the banes of a liberal art education, you gotta take it or be republican) but i'm gonna do it. it's been a hard choice for me to make, but that's what i have to do. it's time for Rhys to grow up. therefore i propose this idea: soon (not necessiarily over spring break, but soon) we need to have a rock-out, old-school (because as we hate to admit it, our old school is spelled properly) balls to the wall party. one more for the road and then it's time for me to put away my toys, consolidate my hobbies into a few arenas and become the person i'm going to be for the rest of my life. needless to say this process is not instantaenous or easy, but it's the decision i've made, and im going to stick with it. as im sure most of you already know, i've been smoking pot lately. that is part of the old world, my drug use days are over. that's why this party needs to happen. one last shebang, one last wild ass rave/house party. right now i am reminded of rentz (sp?) in trainspotting when he's cleaning up ( i just need one more fucking hit!) but this is obviously a different situation. i do, however, want a big ass party so i can get a sense of closure and move on with my life.

I love all of you guys, you are my ground, my reality and my sanity, i couldn't have done what i have without any of you, and i cannot continue with out your help. we all know our companionship is ever-lasting, i sure know mine is. i feel bad that i cannot bring into words what i feel for all of you, and how much gratitude i have for all those times you guys have put up with my shit. i can never repay any of you, but know that no matter where we go and what happens to us, you will all have a very large part of my heart. i'm getting sentimental i know, but i think it's my turn ;-)

So, cassie is coming to visit in two days. i'm psyched, not only about the sex we will undoubtedly be having. but to meat and personally interact with this person that known online for quite some time. i'm not in love or anything, this isn't one of those long-distance relationships or anything. we are just good friends that are going to spend a week snogging as a supplement to our friendship. Cassie, i can't wait for you to come, i'm really looking forward to it. i decided to scrap the agent 6 thing, it's been done. and besides, i'm 6'4" with purple hair, i stand out in a crowd anyway.

Guy's, i'm running out of things to say, but please know that i love each and every one of you dearly. without any of you i could not have become the person i am today, nor could i hope to become the person i want to be tommorrow. take care ,everybody, it's big world out there.

ok, i lied, i have more stuff to talk about.i miss you, holly, but i'm so happy that you get to be in malta. i've never been to europe, but i would very much like to go sometime. i hope you find it as stimulating as you'd desired.

Nick, you're just nick, man, no other way to describe you. too many moments were had between us to list here. you are like a brother to me (As are most of you) but i fear losing touch with you the most. you're going to shine and shine brightly, my friend, i just hope i can be there to watch,'cause goddamn you're gonna do some incredible things.

Chuck, my oldest friend.I owe you most of all. you brought me out of my shell, taught me that people can be cool as shit, and i appreciate that.bike- riding, pizza in your half-attic, even that time you and joel fucked with the dice and made my character kill himself, i'll not forget any of it.

adam, i dunno if you'll read this but you come in 2nd only to chuck. it boils my mind how we have gotten to be such close friends , espically since you were friends with bryn beforehand, and surely at some point saw me as that annoying "younger brother"

Mike, man, shit, i almost went with you to alaska. never told you that, but i didn't want to see you go, espically that last time. i'm glad you're here, and although i don't show it often, i'm happy for you in your new-found faith, and i'm happy that you and rachel have such a strong thing going.

Marshall, while we never really got to get like brothers, you're definately one of the "knockaround boys", and im still sorry that you had to cut you jaw open on chelsea's last night in town. we've had good times, you and i,on the seldom moments we had to ourselves. i fear losing touch with you almost as much as nick, but for some reason i know that i'll be able to find you, so it's not as bad.

Corey, Once again a knockaround, for parties at your dorm, apartment, house, for being there with gatorade at melro, for sometimes being moreso the target of ridicule than i, for all the hard work and harder parties, even for that almost-fight behind chelsea's house that one time, i dig ya man, you're definately one of us, even though i don't see you much, you'll always have a place with me.

jesse, shit man, you get talk talk. you invented it. i knew you were going to be a good friend from the moment chuck played your buffon/pulp fiction collage for me. man you rock, i'm sorry that i rag on you so much in the theatre, i'm gonna try to stop that, i'm not even that sure why i started, but it's an internal me thing and has nothing to do with you.i just can't tell ya man, i don't know why, becaue you've always shown that you're concerned about me and i love you more for it. even though i can't show it, it's so good to know that you're there and you really do care about me. i'm happy for you and jess, and i am so impressed with how quickly and strongly you have risen to the challenge of becoming a man. you're gonna do great things too, you shine as brightly as nick. your potential leaves me in awe, again, i hope i can be there to see you when you're doing it.

erin. we've known each other for less time, but i'm suprised with how quickly we have developed a friendship of this intensity. i'm glad to know you, at the very least you keep me in touch with the world in such a refreshjng way, to see you out there chomping the bit and fighting for what you stand for is fucking awesome.you've got balls and aren't afraid to use them, and that fact above any other makes me respect the hell out of you.

Kiernan, another of the knockaround guys (and i know knockaround guys is a movie title, but i like the way it sounds, and it does sum up our pack, while i am referring to guys only with this, all of you really are in this category.) i think you're my "most dangerous to be bored with" friend, 'cause goddam we have done and will do some crazy shit. you are one of the most grounding people for me, because you're always calm, and you always bring me back to reality. i don't know why, but it s you who really makes oak ridge feel like home. i think that's because we didn t hang out all that much in high school, yet still became very good friends, that and you can play nirvana on the double bass, and frankly, that's cool as shit.

Shane, i'm happy for you and your newfound love, now you get to know how great that feeling really is. i include you in this list because i've known your for a long time as well. you've seen me go from that pudgy, awkward little wanker, to the big, tall, focused and more learned wanker that i am now ;-), you've taught me alot, and i still see you as a kind of mentor, im not sure if that's de-mentor or tor-mentor or just mentor, but i still see you as one.

Lucas, you're a good friend to.one of these nights you need to take me to a strip club (i've never been). you are an epitomy of my defintion of knockaround guy, we just do fun shit when we hang out. and i still owe you a shot of scotch, i'm gonna wait untill i can make that shot talisker, 'cause goddamn that stuff is better than sex sometimes (then, of course, you black out and do things you won't remember in the morning.)

Bassicles, bet ya thought i'd forgotten you, didn't ya? well, no such luck here man.while the times we've spent together have been few, i still feel connected to you in a big way, maybe it's the ebonics, i dunno, but you're with me man, and you always will be.

Sydney, while you can be one of the most aggrivating people in the world at times, the fact of the matter is we work amazingly well together. ever since i asked you about those lasers, from all those nights at q-zar, and the electric ballroom raves, i could probably start a company with you. (we may well end up tearing each other's heads off, but i think we could do it if we really wanted to.

Cassie, while at time of writing i've still never met you in person, we've shared alot. you're coming down it two days and i'm psyched it's gonna be so much fun just to hang out with you. like i just said to you on instant messenger, i can't wait to wake up to the sun glinting off your shoulder in the crisp morning air. that's just one of my favorite situations to wake up in, no matter what happens after that, your day has gotten off the the most wonderful day possible when you do that, and i'm psyched that you're going to make it possible for me to do that every day for a week (unless it's cloudy, of course ;-)

Chelseajesus christ, i don't know where to begin. thank you. you are by far the most contributing factor to who i am today.you taught me how to love, we shared the most intense experience i have ever had, you have taught me and given me so much that i can never forget yuou, i will love you for the rest of my life, the fact that we keep in touch means you will love me for the rest your your life, and that makes me all that much happier. by the way, im totally still down for getting married when i turn 27 :-) just because i know that you're going to be in my life no matter what. i love you, our relationship ( i call it that because it's so much more than a friendship)has enabled me to go further and i knew possible, and i'm still going. thank you, thank you so much, for everything. i cherish you, i knew there was something about you when i met you at the playhouse, i didn't realize then just how far you were going to take me, but i knew something was there. i love you

jessica, genny,curtis,rachel(all of, i think 3 or 4), daria, brandon, master whittle, alex, conrad, anna, charlotte, sasha,cara, christian, ryan, randy, everybody and too many names to list and talk about. don't think, for a second, that since i didn't mention you specifically that any of you are any less important to me. you have all (and that's well over a hundred, everybody that reads this webpage and knows me is included. i really have run out of things to say this time, but i love all of you guys, you are my foundation; with you i can go nowhere.

03/05/03 12:19 am est thus it finds itself in the midst of strangers,yet friends amongst the ruins of his ego...

Ladies and gentlemen: My ego is dead.After years of Interesting experiences and occasions my ego has died due to conditions of exposure and neglect. from this point on said ego will be required by due process of law to remain latent and i shall wear my ID and superego on my right and left sleeves accordingly. Some people may wear their id's in different places, as various situations may present themselves. Mine of invention will be my arms (not ears, for i craft) therefore i will use arms and wear them on my sleeve.

02/27/03 9:30 pm estso, in Lieu of updating, here's this: SaintHow Republican Are You?brought to you by Quizillaumm, that's really about all there is to it right now, im sure i'll have a post up sooner or later. oh yeah, cassie is coming down to visit over spring break, so that should be pretty cool. anyway, that's about it for right now, not alot to blog about.

02/08/03 5:32 am esti agree wholeheartedly with chuckmichael jackson was an idol to me in my childhood. he is the reason that i am today a sound designer. the mass medias' thirst for blood, and anything that is diffrent from the pseudo-homestead-apple-pie heartland image of america nowadays is target for ridicule and persecution. and i don't fucking care how many words i spell wrong, it still gets the fucking point across. this man was imporatnt to me. yes, he has problems. but let's face it. the man loves music and kids. he is not a terrorist. he wants to make good in the world. he wants to ease suffering. THIS MAN IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN A GOOD MAN. media wants to defame him. why? because in the 80's he turned down an offer to make a theme park based on his life, and instead decided to create neverland ranch, a haven for sick and underprivalleged kids. he said "fuck you" to coroprate america and was martyred for it. how? well, i think you know how he was, and yes, it took a toll on him. but the man wanted to ease suffering. let us not foget that this guy was abused as a child and wanted only to prevent other children from having this same fate befall them. erin, i can only hope that you have other sources than this so called "article" for your opinion on the matter. that article is nothing more than a david letterman top ten reject.

i saw bowling for columbine last night. fucking incredible movie, one of the best sound designs i've ever seen. that movie envokes too much to discuss in a blog. my point is that anybody that has seen that movie and identifies with it and what it's trying to say, more so the stance and outlook that it takes on policy and goverment. basically anybody that watched the movie and thought "yeah, i should think twice about news stories and maybe form my own opinions and gather facts for a change" should take ANY article with a grain of salt. that movie had ONE main point: that you should view things as YOU choose them. don't let others do it for you, make up your OWN goddamn mind. to say the michael jackson top ten should be taken with a grain of salt is an understatement. that article is a poor atempt at deriving comedy from an overused subject. yes, i have and will continue to make jokes about michael jackson. but when it boils down to it, i've got the "Beat it" music video on my computer. why? that man has done more good in this world than i could hope to do. he is a great man, all kidding aside, he deserves my respect. anybody that knows me will understand that is not a thing to be taken lightly, the president dosen't deserve my respect. but i guess that dosen't say much.

6:23 am est updatemaybe i should say this: i would have no problem with sleeping in the same bed as michael jackson. as a matter of fact, it would most likely be both an honor and a privalege.oh yeah, and the machines won't stand a chance untill they know how to use man against man, as we already know how to use machine against machine.

10/29/03 4:18 am estThis is creepy:

The name of Rhys gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self- consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature. Because your feelings run deep, you must guard against the ups and downs, being very inspired one minute, then moody, reserved, and depressed the next. Your reactions to people vary according to how you feel. You tend to be secretive and noncommittal about private matters, yet at times you will talk effusively in order to hide your self- consciousness or to lead others away from personal subjects. You are inspired by encouragement from others, yet suspicious of their intent. You crave affection but seldom find anyone who understands your nature. Physical weaknesses would show in your heart, lungs, or bronchial organs.

k, so i don't get that last part either, but who knows, i was a smoker.

01/27/03 1:45 am estthey should call it the Stupor bowl, ugghh.

1/21/03 2:36 am estMy Name: Rhys Robert Dawson

TIME STARTING: 1:1am

Date: jan.21

Age:21

Birthday: 05-0 7-81

School: utc

Location: chatt

Color of eyes: grey

Hair: about to be silver

Height: 6'4/5

Shoe size: 13?

-------------------- HAVE YOU EVER ... -------------------

Ever been so drunk you blacked out? Yeah, and all I can say is that one day I hope to drink to a place where I can honestly look back and say "where are my pants?

Put a body part on fire for amusement? Thatï¿½s the same as asking the question "have you met rhys?" No, I would never do anything stupid with fire.

Kept a secret from everyone? : I dunno, have you ever kept a secrect from somone? Iï¿½ll tell you if you tell me.

Wanted to "hook up" with a friend: are you kidding me? Weï¿½re so incestuous pretty soon weï¿½ll be sleeping with ourselves. Wait, chuck already does that.

Cried during a movie: no, but cathy cried at the end of possession. Oh yeah, and I cried at the end of goonies, itï¿½s so sad when they free willy, and we know that heï¿½s going to his home in the see. Stay golden, willy boy, stay golden!

Had a crush on a teacher: ya, mrs. Jacoby was sooo hot, every time I rub the dry skin on my elbow I think of her geriactrick little nipples.

Ever thought an animated character was hot?: dude, penfeld is one sexy motherfucker. And Who framed roger rabiit? I mean, cï¿½mon, thereï¿½s no question, those shoes that get melted are the , well, lets just say I use the "slow" key on my dvd player a lot during that scene. I mean, come on, saddle shoe snuff flicks are the most erotic substance known to man (just ask google)

Been on a stage? Yup, I got shot. What does that tell you about the "lime light" I mean, cmon on! Itï¿½s not worth it, first me, then tupac and phil hartman? Dude, thatï¿½s a dangerous place. Only stupid narcisistic people go there. Oh waitï¿½

Cut your own hair?: heh, yup, I hear the "brazillian" is in this year, sooï¿½

Been sarcastic?: no

------------------- FAVORITES -----------------------

Shampoo: herbal essences, one of these days Iï¿½m gonna have sex in an elevator that doubles as a shower and is ul compliant, going down?

Color: I prefer black and white, but only true process, like tmax 400

Day/Night: Iï¿½ve heard of a mystical world, a far off place that looks just like this one, only itï¿½s really bright and thereï¿½s signs of children playing. I avoid this place at all costs, and no good can come from small children popping in and out of a giant plastic turtle

Summer/Winter: Iï¿½m more of an atomic fall.

Smile/Frown: are you down? Well, come to dr. giggles, and heï¿½ll turn that frown upside down! One luck winner gets a Crown! Unless youï¿½re Brown, ï¿½cause then foreign policy dictates I have to hate you.

Lace/Satin: hrm, I dunno, what am I going to? Do I like the guy that much? We he really love me more if I do it? What about natural wool?, extremely natural wool? Wool thatï¿½s still attached to the sheep?

Fave cartoon character: good morning, star scream! The earth says hello! You twinkle above us, you twinkle below! Or feivel, ï¿½cause nick is just so adorable when he gazes sardonically at you with those dark brown iraqui eyes, and that little manic, yet bored grin, whilst his ears add the little parentheses that seem to dictate his life.

Fave Junk Food: I have no idea

Fave Movie: I have no idea

Ice Cream: ha ha! No one expects the spanish colonoscipy!

----------------- RIGHT NOW --------------------

Wearing: nothing, why, should I be?

Hair is that stuff that is made out of protein and tends to grow on people.

I'm feeling: tired, tired of being abused, tired of being confused, goddamn it Iï¿½m tired!

Chorus: heï¿½s tiredï¿½ tired of being abused, tired of being confused, tired of being perused!, goddamt it heï¿½s tired!

Your friends: mostly, but I donï¿½t believe in tater, I think heï¿½s a figment of our imagination so we can have parties with him.

Santa Claus: wait, I thought I just answered that question. I fat hairy guy that dresses strangly and loves it when children sit in his lap? Iï¿½m not even gonna touch the elves and reindeer thing, lets just say santaï¿½s sleigh isnï¿½t powered by friction.

UFO's?: are you kidding me? Of course! Un-filtered outputs are necessary for the modern day recording studio, and with the increase in discerning listening audiences, soon theyï¿½ll be requited in most playing spaces as wel

------------------ YOUR FRIENDS AND LIFE ---------------------

Do you have a best friend?: 5ï¿½4ï¿½.3ï¿½2ï¿½.1ï¿½::thud:: not anymore.

Interested in anyone?: are you kidding me? Does a pope shit in the woods?

Who have you known the longest?: well, Iï¿½ve known nick for about 350 miles now, but Iï¿½ve only recently met conrad, Iï¿½d say heï¿½s at about the 15 inch mark.

Who is the shyest?:ummm, I,, I dunnogbye!

Who's the weirdest?: duh

When did you cry the most?: im not sure, probably when I went on that "cutting onions around the world" tour, man those were some weepy times, almost and much as after possesion.

What's the best feeling in the world?: Waking up and theyï¿½re still breathing

Worst feeling?: im not sure, but it involves waxy cheesy discharge and comes with a side order of yams

Who will respond to this email the fastest?: the person with the second most free time

Who sent this to you? Sugar tits

1/18/03 3:13 am estbecause this has been such a strange time, and that touched a nerve bigtime.

4:42 am est Further insightsi told jesse to take that post down, then promptly to leave it up. that post angered me. i'm 95% certain that it was a joke. i overreacted and i know it. so i'll bear it as a scarlet letter of sorts 'cause to take it down would be in the least self-censorship. i've only done that to my page twice, and i don't ever plan on doing it again. i'm not apologizing per se, just that i overreacted. i'm not sure why, but that post stirred something in my psyche. you all know that i love you and value your friendship greatly, nothing can change that, let alone a guestbook post. like the aforementioned kicking and screaming quote says, this has been such a strange time. i'm not really sure what's going on anymore, and there are alot of unanswered questions that are occupying more than their fair share of my thoughts. i guess just every once in awhile something leaks out, i dunno.i let myself get overly angry about something that i knew was done in jest, and, y'know, it kinda felt good. i don't know why, but i just know that it feels like something is coming to a head. i've felt the need to just let go for awhile. i need to progress as a person and an artist, and something, i'm not sure what, is holding me back. i don't know what it is, but i'm trying to figure out what so i can surpass it. where i am now i cannot do what i want to do with my life. i do not possess the ability to be a sound designer. but that's what i've chosen to do. things need to change before that can happen. how ridiculous is a sound designer that cannot play an instrument, compose, or even fucking read music? how am i supposed to craft if i have no tools or substance? i wanna be a fucking aural shakespeare and i can't read or write music! i need to change that. i need to go for the gusto, but i'm afraid. failure is not a nice word, and i don't want it used to describe me, but i'm terrified that it will be. i don't know why i'm telling you this, i just need to kick myself in the ass and shape up. but i digress. my point is that i overreacted. it was not my intent to distance anybody, i love you all and value your comradship. without you, i would be sunk hands down. i guess sometimes i just don't know what's going to come out of my head, or why it came.Oh yeah, you spelled szechwan wrong ;-)

01/06/03 1:21 am estso i did a bad thing the other day. I went to the Burning Man website and read up about it. I wanna go. I REALLY want to go. the problem is finding people that would also be interested in going. claire has shown a modicum of interest. i wonder if she'll be saying that in a couple of months, much less 6 or 7 of them, when this idea is coming to fruition. hell, i wonder if i will by that time. i would like to go with at least three other people. so claire would be one. i figure i'll ask adam,chelsea, nick and bryn. the real trouble is if we can afford tickets and the trip in general. thickes alone are $175-$250 dependoing on when you buy them. also there's that whole "pack in-pack out" thing which includes water. as you can see, much planning will be involved in this one. who knows, maybe it won't happen, but i hope i can pull this one off for a change.

so i started classes today. one down and i haven;t had to say a word. i like that, as i had to admit that i find myself becoming introverted, at least in public. i wonder if that counts as the same thing. (on a side note, i wonder if daria has a webpage.) in truth, i'm not sure if it does. maybe i'm a "social introvert" or "public introvert" 'cause i don't think i'm introverted around my friends. i'm not sure, but i guess there are ways to tell if i were to be that concerned.

Cathy just scratched my head. hrm, i've been writing this update since my first class got out (45 minutes early) and it seems people are already getting here for the next one. strange, it's only been about 15 minutes. i wonder if i should maybe go to my next class. i think i'll give it another ten minutes, i'm not in that much of a hurry. so i'm worried about this next sound design. mike is selling his pa. that kills the board and the subwoofer i was planning on using. needless to say, this will change my design greatly. i'm still an amp short before this loss. i guess it depends on when it sells. but i don;t think it'll stick around untill february. who knows, maybe i'll get lucky.

i've been posting on HOP quite a bit recently. i think i'm going to get some fire poi. i'm not gonna burn yet, but i want to practice with them for a bit first, as other hoppers say that's a good idea. i'm not good enough to burn yet, but i hope to be up to that level by springtime.

maybe i'm not introverted so much as introspective. kinda like getting stuck in your own head sometimes. i don that on occasion. it's funny how often these posts are resultant of that. i guess it's a crutch, a way to bow out of the social BS that goes on around me. sometimes it's truly BS and i don't feel like dealing with it. However, i feel that a much larger percentage of the time it's the fact that i can't. i just don't have anything to say. very little converastion seems to flow from me. like it's been corked at the one outlet, and instead flows from another, in the form of written word. maybe that's it, i'm not sure. more later.Later

So, here i am at my math 123 class (yeah, i copped out and took the tart math class, i'm just trying to get out of here, and i hate the way that utc does math.)so. anyway, this class shouldn;t be too bad, and with the books i'm reading right now, i'll need a bit of a crash course in algebra and matricies anyway.

i think i'm gonna get screwed on book costs this year. i seem to have some expensive fucking books. i'm still posting on hop and i still want to go to burning man, any takers?

i know that i already mentioned the fact that mike is selling his pa, but i am going to bring it up again. i'm pissed. not at mike, he needed the cash, and i wasn't about to put it up. i'm just mad 'cause i probably won't get to use them, and a sound design with lots of rap and hip hop in it needs good bass reproduction.

so all of my clasrooms have projectors and speakers in them. it appears as if utc is trying to modernize slightly. this classroom has EVIDs in it. pretty good speakers. the funny thing is that i'll probably watch them sit here all semester and do little except collect dust.

our professor is drunk. his eyes are more bloodshot than mine were at daria's party. he has the stature of a man that want's to crawl under the desk and go to sleep. won't get any late credit from this guy, that's for sure.

damn! the girl sitting behind me is cute!of course, that's happening more frequently. either women are just more attractive overall, or i'm one horny motherfucker. i'm going with the latter.

Ooh! our professor just told the class to take off their hats! i was right, he's got a quiet demeanor and a spine. or he's being courageous because he's drunk. which he is, rather. got that whole "stand still triangle" going on.

my grade comes entirely from tests. 5 of them, but the only one that counts is the final. i only have to take one test this semester.no homework, no attendance. standard math BS designed for students to fail. this is why i hate the way utc does math. too easy to fall behind. i can show up for the final only, and it will be 100% of my grade.

this guy dosen't even know the way out of the building

12/28/02 12:09 am estso, i've noticed that there's a trend that can be associated with updating my page at parites. i personally blame the sober introverted part of me, as when i'm pre-drunk, it's hard for me to talk to people, even friends, if i don't have a topic or icebreaker as it were. not to worry,it's getting a little hard to type even as we speak, so soon i should be off cavorting amongst the social pleasentries. which reminds me, jen is up for this party, she got hot, or was hot, one of the two, still, hot. but, ya, who knows. hell, who even cares. but, they did just start a converastion about insomnia, so all i have to do is ease into it, and i can shut all of them down. ohh yeah! i almost forgot! good fucking news, it's a hydroseal. i think the correct term is " hydrocyllic syst or something like that, but all i managed to glean was that it "illuminates well" and that dr.perkerson's kids are doing well except for drew, which is really about all the conversation you can make with a guy that's playing with your balls. either way, it's cool, and so am i. i wasn't worried about it to begin with, but it always helps to have peace of mind ::pauses for a snort of maclelland:: WHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! goddamn that's some nasty shit! and i even like scotch, this just happens to taste like melted plastic and dog's ass. yeah. this christmas kicked ass, i got a new md player, the sony md-n707, the one i linked below, it's basically a usb harddrive. i also got a flask, from whence the aforementioned scotch was imbibed from. it's engraved GIR, which kicks ass, 'cause i don't think i told my sister to do that, but she did anyway. and it came with four stainless steel shot glasses, which i don't even think I could manage to break, unintentionally, of course. i also got a pretty dammed nifty and unexpected gift from my mother of all people. she got me a pair of Zuni poi. frequenters of this website will remember, albeit dimly, that i got some poi awhile ago, and started to learn the real method of how to go about swinging glowsticks around at high velocities. this is the first year that my parents didn't get me some sort of pornographic magazine of some sort, the trick boxers are still here this year, even worse, to some extent, and no, i'm not going to tell you what they are this year. let's just mention role playing and leave it at that. so, yeah. i've got a projector in my car right now, and i really wanna go play with it, i'm hoping to make that happen soon, as it's nifty, and im starting to feel it, which im sure will only be amplified when i stand up. chuck is telling his fucking bt story AGAIN. i'll personally bet any of you $10 each that he encores his performance with the recounting of such great anectdotal tales as "the time his roomate puked in his shoes and didn't remember it" and "the time his other roomate woke up late for class and ran out of the dorm without pants"

but yeah, i was getting a little cynical there, and im trying not to. so, umm, hrm,... it's really goddamn hard not to be cynical.. dammit, i was supposed to be a nice guy, ah well, so much for that shit. but i don't really feel like typing anymore, and i think people are starting to talk about me right now. damn people, always ruining my feindish plots. they're alwyas wantin me lucky charms!!! on that note, i'm going away. eve' all.

12/13/02 3:11 pm estWHEW!! been awhile, eh? sorry for the almost-month-long hiatus, but i decided that i wasn't going to update again untill i could make a post that wasn't whiny, so i was a bit strained for subject material. i still am, but oh well, here we go! yay! woo hoo! extreme updating! whaaa!!ok, enough of that, i actually do have good news. since my jury which was last friday, i've been sleeping like the dead, so i think i'm over ::crosses fingers:: my latest bout of insomnia, if that's true,in postulate it would kick so incredifuckingbly much ass, that it alone would put me in a good mood. and i think it is, so, there ya go, lotsa big strange words and a happy me. umm, the female relationship thing has pretty much worked itself out, to the extent that im over it, so i don't let it concern me. oh yeah, and i got burner, it's 48X. i really like it, the first time i was using it, i was still trying to figure out if it was burning or not when the finished disc popped out, took about 4 minutes for 80 min worth of cd audio. nifty, eh? so, lets see, i'm working the ballet, which means lotsa hours, easy work, and all the dancers you can eat. i wish anyway, although some of them are old enough to not be jail bait, one can never tell which is which, 'cause they all dress alike (i'm pretty sure they do that to confuse hunters) and i'll probably say one of my customary three things to them (either "hi", "excuse me", or "duh huh, pretty!") anyway, it also means that i'll be getting a bit of cash before and after christmas, so, erin, on your 21st, yeah, you're getting wasted (as if you didn't already know that) the way it worked for me was, we'll supply the cash, you and your new id will actually buy it, then we'll all drink it, and you'll wake up at around 3:00 in the afternoon wondering why you're in mexico. but that's the way it should be, after all. ok, so, i think this stream of consciousness is drying up for now, i've gotta be at work in 20 minutes.

11/17/02 1:50 am estonce again, night has spurned me of sleep, and the morning is greeted with coffee, sticky eyes, and the cold dawn light.

this time i'm in the longhorn cafe with her. as per usual, our hanging out has reextended past the wee hours of the morning, and now we are at breakfast. i find it quite humorous, for, if we weren't both insomniacs, i feel we would never see each other.

"little Rock, Arkansas has a projected forecast for mild weather running between 52 and 36 degrees farenheit, with the possibility of snow over the weekend."

i'm currently writing this update on a peice of newspaper while sitting across from her. for some reason, our trusty old friend has popped up again, sprouting patchwork malingerings. it's the old "it's the morning after and the subsequent lack of feelings has resulted in the seemingly spontaneous, yet all-together-too- expected generation of UWE, or unrequited warm emotions.

Thus my mind is instantaneously embroiled with the entirely-too-familiar battle to ask or not to ask. the latter of which usually takes place.

"it's 40 degrees farenheit in chicago, there's a cold front moving through the south east."

That's it! the goddamn motherfucking cold fronts! Every time this has happened, it's been directly proportionate to a cold front! there must be some deep-rooted psychological instinct which says "uggh, buddy, it's getting a bit chilly out, best to find a woman. here! this one will do just peachy!"

to recap said past experiences: it snowed the night of the "wost h.s play in the world" cast party. it was below freezing for the midsummer's night dream cast party, it was sleeting the morning after the pinter cast party, when andrew gashed his head open.

Ergo, here i am, sitting here at a cheap laminate table in some miniscule greasy spoon, and she says a fucking cold front is moving through. well, fuck that! no longer will i let my emotional/relational status be dictated by a goddamn weather pattern! the current status is as such: we're friends, we hang out, and have a good time. if the situation were to arise, i am the sort of person that would proceed. however, as of my current knowledge, she is dating a friend of mine. thus clouser of some form has seemingly been reached.

11/15/02 4:33 pm estof course, i'm also:

What lesser-known Simpsons character are you?Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

11/15/02 4:25 pm estok, so i'm also:

How ASIAN are you?Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

and

How MEXICAN are you?Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

man, fuck myer's briggs, i'm a 100b/40w/60a/40m ! i wonder if that means i have a genetice predilection twoards small furry hats

11/15/02 4:18 pm estodd, apparently i'm white too:

How WHITE are you?Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

so all in all, im either 70% or 140% depending on if you take the mean or not. i'll bet patrick scores 100% on this one.

11/15/02 4:02 pm esthrm, this is interesting:

How BLACK are you?Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

see, the REAL black man wouldn't even bother to take the damn survey, he's just click on the damn button at the bottom. at least that's what the site is telling me, 'cause i did, and i am. also in the tradition of the holy fuck, look at this link series, i offer up HOLY FUCK, LOOK AT THIS!!!1 in all honesty, that's really schweet, if you have the means, i highly recommend picking one up. let's see, other than that, not much is new in the life and times of R robert dawson, still sitting on these damn steps...

10/29/02 5:48 am estthus concludes our broadcast day

10/29/02 5:40 am esti think this may become a tradition

10/29/02 5:34 am estguess that's not happenning

10/29/02 5:29 am esti just want to sleep! waaa!

10/29/02 5:24 am estthis will never end

10/29/02 5:20 am estPlease, god , make it stop!

10/29/02 5:01 am estarrgh!

10/29/02 4:47 am estGoddamnit!

10/29/02 4:45 am estdammit, chuck, im gonna be up all night now!

10/24/02 6:44 am est1,022 words on love.

I hate fall. Not the season itself, for I love the weather. ï¿½tis the season of sleeplessness. I managed to get 10 hours Tuesday night, it was the first Iï¿½d gotten in 4 days. Sadly, this will be the status quo for the next 3 months. Give me an I, Give me an N, give me an S, give me an O, give me an M, give me another N, give me another I, give me an A. what does that spell? SUCK!

at 5:21 this morning, I was pouring a bowl of cereal. As I leaned on the counter munching, I casually perused the back of the bag. On it was a promotion to win genuine "spy kids: the movie" gear. It was at this point in time a thought dawned on me : of the kids watching this movie, some are going to save up the points and get some of this stuff. Of those, a portion will think itï¿½s actually supposed to be functional. They saw the kids in the movie using it, why canï¿½t they?thatï¿½s the nice part about childhood: we were trusting, innocent. We were successful enough in our naivete to believe that those things could happen. The good guy kills the bad guy and gets the girl. The pioneering spirit of the two dogs and the cat bring them safely over the mountains and into the longing arms of their family. The two people who "obviously" like each other hook up at the end of the movie and fall madly in love with each other over the span of 30 seconds. We see these and are happy, thinking to our increasingly deluded selves that the world s a good place where things like that actually do happen.

Then we go out, have sex, get drunk, get stoned, put something on our tongues, up our nose, or even in our veins. However it happens, we are swiftly educated in none-too-subtle ways what this world is actually like. Hollywood is insanely popular, it is also the purveyor of lies. The good guy gets shot; he looses the girl due to the subsequent drinking problem. The dogs and cat die, or get adopted by neighbor kids. The world does not have a happy ending.

A friend of mine has been, and is continuing to slowly destroy her mind with a speed addiction she is probably to high to know she has. It was painful to watch two years ago; it is worse now, sheï¿½s deluding herself, and the amount of adderol sheï¿½s taking will not help. Sheï¿½s spiraling, and Iï¿½m powerless to stop it, I only hope I can catch her when she crashes. yet I cannot help but ask myself if it would even phase me did I not find myself attracted to her. The worst part being that the answer is probably not. I am currently in hard- core denial, I refuse to relent and admit that I have a "crush" on her. I did two years ago, and we all know such un-actualized feelings never really go away. I am resisting any resurgence of said emotions and the turmoil, albeit temporary (I hope), is almost more than I can bear.

She was probably the second strongest crush Iï¿½ve ever had. Iï¿½d been expecting to escape to college from the previous summer, as Iï¿½d spent it being desperately in love with Chelsea, and still was, in a very large, seemingly unrequited way.

Hence the birth of this website.

I came to college only to find my feelings amplified by the tedium that unexpectedly occurred. I developed a speed addiction of my very own. I learned, through vicarious conversations, that she was single. Needless to say, I was attentive. The Pinter cast party arrived, I had a blast. While dropping me off the next day, she asked me to do something with her later that evening. This started a very long period of my life. Of course I had a crush on her. It was almost instantaneous from the moment I learned she was single. I was unbelievably desperate to be over Chelsea. (read: in a consistent mindset where I was not immediately dumped into a very harsh, if not temporary depression whenever the merest possibility of a thought regarding her would enter my head.) having been reduced to that, I jumped at the chance of something; anything new, and therefore viewed her as my savior. Had she been the straightforward type, this may never have happened.

I say had she been the straightforward type, for at this particular point of my life I was so ready; so desperate for anything/anybody that I willingly and blindly plunged head first into a very willing delusion. Time passed; unnourished, the shiny, exiting new feelings died off and were replaced by melancholy, depression, and longing. These too, faded away over time. I signified the end of it to myself by asking her out. She said she wanted to "talk to me about that" which, unsuprisedly, never happened. Slowly, I got over it. More time passed; I started sleeping and dreaming again, Brenda and I started dating, summer stock happened, Brenda and I stopped dating. That was my last relationship.

At this point in time Iï¿½m not even sure I want a relationship with anyone. I do, however, know that I do not want the feelings that are slowly creeping into my psyche. No good will come of them. I scream at the top of my lungs that I donï¿½t have a crush on her, yet in the deepest parts of my heart I know that, at best itï¿½s a half- truth. Why can I resist something so completely with my rational mind, yet not be able to fully make it go away?

I made it through last time with minimal scarring. I am terrified that this will happen again, and that I will not make it the second time around.

That being said, Iï¿½m going to close my eyes, and see if the clock has jumped when I open them again.

-Your Humble Narrator

10/15/02 4:33 pm estso, i'm all updizateny and shit. let see where to start. oh yeah, i knowMY DAD HAS A JOB!!!Thank fucking god! i found that out on my way up to knoxville the second time on friday. needless to say, the amount of relief that washed over me was incredbile (i almost had to pull over) of course, that was followed by a a fuckload of stress energy that i needed to get rid of, which i dumped into being exstatic and wanting to party, which sort of happened over the weekend. ok, i'm, gonna re-cap by day now. thursday i went to the lord lindsay and partied with cara and adam. that was cool,i had a good time, and the dj there has gotten better, he even played kick a hole, which was groovy. after that, i went back down to chatt with adam, and on the way back up found out the amazingly incredibally unscrupulously wonderfuly good news(but not in an amazingly incredibally unscrupulously wonderfuly orgasmic sort of way) i felt so good that i went and watched red dragon with holly, jesse, erin, et all.

at this point i must digress. i think it's really cool that erin has been hanging out with us more and more. yeah, she's been our friend for just as long as anyone, but it seems to me that in the last couple of years, i've seen alot more of her, and i think it's really groovy. esp. because she's really easy going (and hasn't killed me many times over 'cause of all the shit i've pulled) anyway, that was a tangent i thought of 'cause i scared the shit out of her during red dragon, and the whole "sugar tits" thing (which i still think is damn funny). anyway back to the recap:so after the movie, we went to holly's house and promptly forgot each other's names (the chelsea syndrome strikes again)it went in this sort of form:Holly: i called seatback! (i had just stolen her chairRhys:i didn't hear you say anything.Holly: well, i called seatback when i got up to go to the bathroomRhys: i didn't hear you say that, (to jesse): Holly, did you hear her say that?Holly: You just called Him Jesse!so yeah, that was sort of verbatim, i don't really remember, later on i think jesse called me jesse or something, im not really sure.so the next day was saturday, and we went to big ed's for james's birthday party, which was ok,but some of the fauna was quite scary. then we went to the corn maize. that was fun, chuck would say it was wrong, but i think it was fun. i brought my family band radios (they use channel 6 at the maze.) anyway, apparently i had turned my evil on that night 'cause i started in with "jew-b-que" and went downhill (actually in circles) from there. the radio was the most fun, i took turns masquerading as and talking to sombody named jason. the evening's lowest point was reached at about the time i said the "Presumptuous" joke over the radio, but all was well as we escaped the maze unlynched and went to practice some freestyle drinking andrea's. andrea's was fun, a little bit of drama, alot of alcohol, chuck kicked tim about ten times trying to get him to quit snoring (which didn't work) and i went home and passed out. then came sunday, which was largely uneventful, untill about 8:00, when i went to hang out with sydney. we were both bored, so we decided to explore funscape. that was some of the most fun i had this weekend, next time i'm in town, i need to bring a camera so we can take pictures of where all we went. after that was monday, met up with the whole crew at magic wok, which was cool, but unfortuanely they crowd dissapated afterwards, which annoyed me considerably. here it was the second to last day of the fall break, and no "wicked old skool partying" had really taken place. this is as much my fault as anybody else's, but for once i didn't have a place to offer up as the den of antquity we would need for such a party. anyway, i headed back down to chatt. early, and had a good time when i got there. oh a whim, i called joan, figuring she would be in town, and may be doing something. jess answered and said "come to pub quiz, mofo!" so i did. our team won, which was groovy. the theme for team names that night was "movie or play titles turned porn name" i shit you not. i turned in 42 suggestions, most of which eddie read out to the bar. after that, we went back to erin and casey's for an anti-party, which lasted for about 45 minutes. then i went to have a look at a steam tunnel on campus. after pulling the grate off and dropping my hard had in by accident (DOH!), i reconnoitered it to be a dead end, and since i didn't know if i could get out or not once i was down in there, i decided i would have to come back for my hard hat. i ran around the new uc construction instead. that was pretty neat, i got some peices of wire and flashing with which to make a drag hook and claw hook, and found the jackpot on hard hat's , galoshes, and other such construction site goodies.(i was a good boy, for once, and let these be, i mean, come on, i already have three hard hats, i don't need more.) upon exiting, i went back and was in the process of retreiving my hard hat when mr. friendly officer stopped by for a night cap, and to inquire as to what the hell i was doing in the middle of oak street at 4:30 in the morning, sticking half way out of a manhole. i told him i had dropped my hard hat, and was in the process of retrieving it. he asked me how he could tell it was mine, and i told him that when i got it up it would be set to size 7&5/8 (my hat size)i fished it out a few minutes later, showed him the hat size, he said "ahh", compelmented me on my "macguyver style grappeling hook" and wrote me a citation to appear in court. suck, next tuesday i have to go get my wrist slapped, im guessing that's about it. anyway, that's the fall break, i hope it dosen't sound like im bitter or anything, 'cause i actually had a pretty good time. anyway, that's about it for this update, i'll holler at yuns later.

10/03/02 2:16 am estthis shirt is Mine!

10/01/02 3:22 am estso, on the urging of holly and servral others, i'm updating.in all honesty, that has nothing to do with my updating, it merely happens to be coincedental with my having free time, which does. so, where to start. hrm, leme see. well, the last show (the one we are currently running) kicked my ass. i was the sound designer, and i found out 20 minutes before our first tech began that , as the sound designer, i was expected to be the sound crew and crew head. suddenly i was in charge of getting the com run and fixing the monitors. also, i'm on shift crew because of markFUCKINGridgeway. his goddamn set with it's chock-full-of-unnecessary-set-peice(s) qualities has resulted in everybody, even the fucking stage manager having to come down and shift the goddamn set. i don't have a probelem with artistic liscense, but some common sense and efficency would be nice. i mean, for act three, once we get the set in place, we have to dump 8 5 gallon buckets worth of shredded tire(supposed to look like ash, looks like shit) on the stage, which is hardwood plank, btw. but i'm only a little bitter about that.what REALLY pisses me off if that my board op is too much of a stoner to do his goddamn job, and, even with the aid of a sampler, has resulted in several (including my favorite) cues being cut from the show.i have resolved to not being able to hear my design while he is running the console.

so i think im desiging sound for the next show, which is nice i guess, true it will kick me in the ass, but hey, it's what i do, and provided i have a different board op, all will be well. my classes have suffered slightly beacause of this workload, but that too is something i will have to get used to. i talked to cassie today, that was a trip back, i hadn't talked to her in about two years, pretty much since nick and she had their falling out. sounds like she's doing ok, apparently she and nick had a conversation on aim and it sounds like they got back into the ol' tearing each other's heads off. not sure how much they did, but hey, not my conversation, not my place. lets see, i got a stipend, which is nice, it'll be much easier to eat now that i have some money to spare. that and i'm learning poi, which will be covered in more depth later.

turtle ridge is no more. my parents moved out about two weeks ago, to a place in knoxville. they've decided to rent whilst my dad tries to locate a job. it makes sense when you think of it, that was a very big house for two people, and now that claire is at college, a smaller place is a better decision. but they didn't want to do it. the fact of the matter is that my dad hasn't had a job since i've been in college (to be exact, my summer at governor's school was my last summer when my dad had a job) if it weren't for this one fact, none of the above items would phase me in the least, but i cannot and will not rest easy untill i know that my parents are going to be ok. this is by far 95% of what has been on my mind lately, and guess what, it ain't going away for awhile. the constant financial stress my parents are under is only worsened by me, as i am a constant financial burden on my parents. my dad tried to give me his go set the other day. that was by far the most crippling blow yet. he's owned that set for the past 30 years, it was as if he was passing his livelyhood onto me, and it was something i could not bear, i refused to take it from him. anyway, class calls in 5 hours.

09/09/02 8:06 pm estso, erin wanted me to link her, bad enough that she had to go and call me a smurf, snrk, that was funny, so i figured, "one good turn deserves another" and linked her, above. anyway, other than that, things are going ok, designing sound is alot of work, and i'm worried about missing classes, but they're things i'm trying to work on. i'm gonna see about fixing my car so i can continue to move this weekend. but really, that's about it, see most of you this weekend.

08/22/02 7:32 am estHeh, so today was fun, i have this Yamaha keyboard, and i got midi working on it, so i've been playing around with all kinds of sound banks on it. speaking of playing around, i found the universal life church's website, you can become an ordained minister for free!, so, of course, I am now but i was reall bored, so now my dogs Joker and Jake are too! it's alot of fun! i'm gonna go practice marrying squirrels now, does this mean i'm going to hell?

07/09/02 2:58 am esthiya, folks, been awhile, but what do you expect. i'm honestly suprised that i'm updating as much as i am right now. i think the fact that i brought my computer with me really hepls in that aspect. so, umm, yeah, zorba sucked flaming donkey balls of scary and yet quite amusingingly impressive proportions. but it's finally over and done with and i'm back in the booth teching quartet, which is the next one. i'm looking forward to it. it's got robert vaughn in it, i'm working with a guy that was in the A-Team! fuck yeah! of course, he was hunt stockwell in the second part of the show (after they got busted) but, still it's pretty cool. oh yeah, he was also in a couple of little movies, like baseketball (sp??) and supberman 3. i think he was in pootytang as well, but i'm not sure. anyway, that dosen't really matter, but this show is nice and short as far as sound is concerned, i've got a 40 page break between cues. so, i'm gonna be getting alot of reading done, that's for damn sure. hrm, lets see, what else. i'm looking for cheap, meaningless sex at the moment, not finding alot yet. actually, cheap and meaningless isn't the right way to put it. i want to hold sombody again. hold them and all the accoutrements that may or may not come along in the package. so, lynda is engaged, huh? well, i already sent you one card, congrats and all that kinky shit, have a good wedding, i doubt i'll be able to make it out to arizona for it though. hrm, so, one of the main reasons i'm updating currently is that one of the girls here that i was rather attracted to happened to walk in with andy tonight, having just come back from a date. damn. cross another one off the list. it always blows when that happens, espically because she only lives an hour away from me, and she was one of those really damn cute yet dosen't know it, sweet and innocent types. ah well. there are a couple of others, the usual mixture of out of my leagure, in my league, and beneath me (charlene is pretty short ;-) ). anyway, uhh,i think that's honestly about it. i can't really think of anything else, oh yeah, my co-workers kick ass, i forgot about that one, that and i'm considering going to yale for grad school. phillip happens to be doing and learning exactly what i want to be doing and learning, so i'm gonna look that up, which means i'm probably going to change majors. well, the second one at least, i don't want to stick around utc for another three years learing ee stuff unless i'm really damn into it. oh yeah, i was looking around on the internet, i seem to be qetting quoted alot. i thought that was interesting. but hey, i'm glad that you guys are keeping up with my ramblings, and i hope that the summer down tennessee is going well for you guys. but i think that's about it for me, g'night folks, may a flock of nipples spring out on thy breast... wait, that's not it... damn!

06/07/02 1:56 am estman, i gotta say, you all suck, i'm in a different fucking state, away from my internet access, and i sill manage to update almost as much as jesse. anyway, i got bored (as one is inclined to do here, being as i'm not the type to go out an pick up women every night) so, anyway, i made a cute little fake banner (yes, i actually made it), it's here. hope you guys like it, talk to you later.

05/30/02 3:57 pm esthiya folks, how's it going? not much new here, added a quotes page, that's about it. take care.

05/27/02 10:14 pm esthey guys, i read you pages, two things come to mind: (1.in response to jesse's page: thanks, i really appreciate it, and (2. in response to everybody elese's pages (esp. chucks) i'm really glad that i got out of that town. it's been dead since the summer back from my first year of college.take care guys, dunno when i'll be updating again.

05/26/02 3:30 am esthey guys, 11 days have come and gone since i last talked to you, just wanted you to know that i'm doing well here at my second summer of btf.hrm, let's see, where to start. ok, 1st things 1st, i'm drunk. been here one week, been drunk almost every night, as per standard. met my new boss last sunday, phillp pelgrow. he's the fucking bomb, the first night i met him (the aforementioned sunday) we stayed up untill 3:00 in the morning drinking, which was the morning before my first day of work. much different from ali, my last boss, whom i have yet to drink with. anyway, so, yeah, phil (he hates when i call him that) is cool. that's been going very well. there are alot of people back from last year, stu, gretchen, becca, andy, naveen, josh, dan, and , of course, the usual staff positions. but it was a thrill to read the mailboxes and realize just how many of my friends were coming back for the second year. needless to say much partying has and will ensue. i realized something this evening, about two hours after i met Kim, one of the paint charges. this entire year (it's been one year since brenda and i were apart, and that;s where i mark the start of my being single (i will explain later), and that whole time i've been at least keeping my eye's open, if not outright looking, for a girlfriend/someone to share a bed with/ companion of sorts.) anyway, so i met kim, she had bright red (dyed) hair, and was cool as shit. needless to say, after a bit of hanging out i was planning on seeing if this could go any further. so i asked her friend Amanda(who had come up with her) who had done kim's hair for her. amanda told me: kim's Girlfriend did her hair for her. hrmph... bummer...

it was at that time that i realized what i had been looking for. i don't want the sex part of a relationship. shure, it's nice, but i can always jack off if i need a release. i've been wanting sombody to honestly chill out and have fun with. i believe i have found that with kim. as soon as i knew she was gay, i realized that, since sexuality and sexual tension was not an issue between us, that we could be fucking awesome friends, which it looks like we will become. already we've decided that (1 she's going to help me learn to dance better (and i mean dance with another person). (2 she's going to be doing my hair before any party from now on (she brought the colored ice spikers with her). (3 any technical questions whatsoever will be answered by me, and (4 any alcoholic beverages that need to be purchased will be done by me, since i have the id. we've also planned a trip to new york next weekend. so, yeah, like i said, it's been ablast, the last 6 hours being espically kick-ass, anyway, as this is a netzero account and i've only got 10 hours per month, i'm heading out, see yun's later.

05/15/02 5:18 pm estI have all of you now!! ha ha ha!

05/15/02 2:10 am estSpiderman wasn't believable

05/10/02 4:52 pm estgood news, my computer is significantly less dead, sydney cleaned the hell out of it and reseated all the cards. it runs fine again, except for a small glitch with the sound card, which i fixed. i am in agreement with >a href=http://www.geocities.com/toyego/1ofmydays.html> Shane, transferring mp3's around is a bitch, i'm currently putting some on the computer that's going in my car for the trip uo to btf. there's only about 500 songs on it, but it still took a long damn time to get in there, and the dos based mp3 player likes to load all of them at once, which also takes a damn long time. ahh, the things we'll do for technology. i'm looking forward to putting this thing in my car, that's for sure, it'll be nifty. nothing like driving around with 39 hours of music. anyway, so, yeah, i'm gonna try and find something to do later tonight.

05/06/02 3:26 am estA Moment of Silence Pleaseas my computer has just died. it's currently at sydney's, and he's helping me work on it. jokes aside folks, i dare you to find one of my friends that knows more about the actual technology. it's looking like new mobo time, maybe more, but i'm not sure. on a lighter note tommorrow is my 21st birthday.

05/01/02 1:58 am estso, i'm heading bnack to oak ridge tommorrow (well, actually later today), been one hell of a year down here, guys, i'm looking forward to some time off at btf, it'll be nice to get up there again. i'm also looking forward to the next two and a half weeks, hanging out with all my old school friends, 'cause i hardly get to see them. anyway, as for this summer, most of you have gotten the email that my email isn't gonna be up for much longer. so you should try me at either the old one : mr.coffee@newyorkcity.com or, my new favorite one 'cause it's evil: mr.coffee@christismybitch.com. either one will work, i'm not sure how often i'll be checking them up there, internet access isn't really established up there, so i'll have to find a free dialup, and check it when i get the time. anywa, it's been a long year, i'm goin home.

04/23/02 12:54 am est

I'm GIR, yay! heh, i just think that's funny.

04/21/02 7:58 pm estso, yeah, been awhile, lets see. I'm done with directing and confounds. i cannot believe that i'm actually done with the watermark class of the theatre department. i just got done with on hell of alot of intensive work, and frankly i'm feeling a little shell shocked. i'm going to btf in about a month, i'm really looking forward to getting back up there. i'm gonna head up to oak ridge the tuesday after next, when i get paid and can make it up there. i took 'shrooms for the first time friday night, they were alright, but i've realized something about psychoactive substances, i like taking enough of them to get a body buzz, the actual tripping part isn't that much fun for me. i also need to take them under different circumstances. i realize now that the only times i've taken them, it was late at night, i was partially tired, and i had an empty stomach. i feel that being better rested and nourished will make a large difference in that. anyway, so i've got some left over shrooms, i'm waiting untill i get up to oak ridge to take them, i'm currently forming plans for their consumption.

i haven't registered for classes yet, i really need to do that. it's not like i just don't give a shit, but i honestly keep forgetting too, i'm not sure why. anyway, i'm sitting here amongst boxes, i'm moving out of the house in 9 days, and just one short week after that i'll be 21! i can't wait for that, it should be a really interesting party, hopefully i won't be broke and i'll actually be able to enjoy that night. so, this year was another in a long line of years (duh) alot happened, first off, i've been single for almost a year, i count the date that brenda and i broke up as the beginning of the summer, not the end, because we sure as hell weren't together when i was up at btf and she was fucking matt ( i know that sounds like i'm bitter, but i'm honestly not. i really don't know why i'm not, but i'm not. it just really dosen't bother me.) one of the reasons i'm looking forward to getting back up there so much is the women, last year i had more female friends up there than male friends. there's a pretty obvious reason behind that "oh, that's rhys, he's got a girlfriend, he's dosen't really have a penis, so we can hang out with him as much as we want to.) once again, i'm not bitter about that either, brenda and i are still good friends, and i had one hell of a good time at btf last year. seteven says that the second year is never as good as the first. i asked him, and he said "because alot of the people don't come back", frankly, i think i'll have a blast drinking with a new crew of people, and sharing some inside jokes with the people that have come back.

anyway, i think that's about all i feel like writing for the moment, i think i'll be making a couple more posts before i head up to btf for the summer, which will basically be another 3 month dead period on my site. you guys have fun, i'll be out drinking and partying with as many of you as i can over the next month, so take care.

04/08/02 5:30 pm estoak ridge students fucking pictures high school. who but me could have a search phrase that fucking random? i thought it was humourous anyway. so, yeah, lets see, umm, 11, no real change. i found a subwoofer, which rocks ass,the only problem was that the box it was in smelled like cat piss (probably one of the neighborhood cats had marked on it) but that's ok, it was in a bandpass box, and i hate them anyway. so i built a new one, carpeted it over the weekend, and now i have a purty little sub in my trunk, now all i need is an amp to power it with. shane said i could borrow his, which kicks ass 'cause i don't even know if it works or not. but that hasn't stopped me from getting ready to put it in, i found an combo eq and crossover on clearance at radioshack for 5 bucks, that in itself kicked ass, my car stereo sounds great with it anyway, a little bass extension would be wonderful. and i ran the wiring for free, too, i had a couple of old movie projector imbilicals (sp?), so i had some nice jacketed (pvc then braided nylon) 4 or 6 guage cable that i ran. there's just something manly about having to make electical conncetions with two ratchets and 1/2" sockets ya know? so yeah, that's about how much has been going on in my life, i just wrote a paragraph about the sub i haven't even got working yet. still single, that still sucks, but oh well, i'm in directing. but, this friday I'M DONE WITH THAT CLASS FOREVER!!!! i cannot describe the pure unadulterated elation that i'm going to feel once i'm done, that and the pure unadulterated drunk i'm going to be later that night. which reminds me, 30 days, yes folks, that's right, only 30 more days and your humble narrator will be able to drink wherever/whenever he wants to. so yeah, that's about it, take care kiddies.

03/27/02 11:20 am estyeah, so i'm linking bunches of people lately (seems to be all i'm doing). lynda finally has a page, so it's up there too. i'm gonna pass out, i just finished my last (FUCKING HELL YEAH GODDAMN! on my nuts!) prep, so i'm beat.

03/22/02 11:00 pm estRachel's page is up, so there's the link, that and Joey's page are really purdy, sos you should give them a looksee. buh bye.

03/22/02 1:16 am estMoney

Tell your girlfriend to shut up before I come over there and Fuck Start her Head.

03/20/02 2:07 am estMy shoulder hurts.

03/12/02 3:18 am estyeah, sometimes i get up in time for brunch (see above little clicky thangy) not much else new on the respective fronts (or backs for that matter), just chilling in the ridge, procrastinating, but that's about it. anyway, have fun kiddies.

03/07/02 6:38 pm estso, i got an im from Jessica. she said that i forgot to link her. thanks for bringing that to my attention, it's fixed, as you can see. so basically, that's how it goes, if you're not linked, just remind me, and i'll put it up there.

03/05/02 2:42 am estLotrimin AF smells like a Sepat Takra ball...

03/03/02 6:30 pm esti found claire's page, it's linked above, she's a damn hard one to find, too. anyway, i'm better than earlier, rehersal went well (almost three hours of it) but we got stuff done. lynda and i are on better terms, too, i've been talking to her online, so we're gonna be pretty good friends after all.anyway, things to do, etc.

03/03/02 2:30 am estI'm not fine.

02/26/02 9:33 pm estwell, i started my beer today, in just a few short weeks, we'll find out just how well i can brew beer. anyway, on to the subject at hand, it's fun to fuck with people when they think you may be serious. at the cast party i asked two people if i could "call them", just on a whim, but i got two yes's for answers, which i found funny. ah well, who knows. anyway, on to nicks post, (i happen to like grey as a text color, try turning your brightness/contrast up), but i have to admit that i found your post very amusing, it seems to me that our cute 'lil feivel is getting his ego back, and i remmeber what happened last time he did that. but he did make a good point, apparently i forgot to link him, so i'll put that up top. As for rachael's page (virgin, on jesse's site), i'll link her when she actually has a page there, and not a placeholder that can be accessed anywhere in the world. i'm gonna go read Ubu Roi now, take care all, and nick, try not to get your ass covered in paintballs this time ;-)

02/25/02 2:15 am estheh, i just have to gloat, I'M WORTH MORE THAN HOLLY!!! (2,403,404.00 to be exact) around 200 grand more than holly), that's all folks, good night.

02/24/02 12:06 am estso, yeah, updating again at a party, i just found out what i'm doing for the next show, i'm costume crew head (again, third time in a row), and also, assistant costume designer, which is very odd, i'm not sure why i keep getting these seemingly random assignments. needless to say i'm now signing my calls WTF (for what the fuck?). but i have to go break into a car for sombody, i'll se eyou guys later.

02/16/02 3:33 am esthey kids, just got a new email, it's mr.coffee@godismybitch.com sorry, just couldn't pass that one up, i don't think i'll really ever check it, but hey, with a domain name like that, who wouldn't sign up?

02/14/02 4:45 pm esthey kids, how ya doin! it is I, at least to say, i think it's me, i was pretty sure last time i checked anyway. so yeah, uhh, Happy Valentines day!! woo hoo!, like i said in my survey , i tend to steal alot of hearts, espically because i'm usually broke around valentine's day, and this one is no exception. but yeah, mainly i'm updating because i realized that i was a bad brother, and had not yet linked my sister, plus, i just found out about semenex and thought it was really funny, anyway, hope i got the links right, enjoy.

02/12/02 4:14 pm esthey all, so pete from btf called today, and asked me if i would be going back to btf this summer. i've been thinking about this one since i came back from btf, and i told him that i would, indeed, like to return. so, i'll be up in stockbridge massachutses (sp?) for the summer, but this time i'll be coming back down earlier, probably at the end of the first week in august, so i'll have a bit of time to chill, and most of you will be down here still anyway. anyway, just figured i'd let you all know about that.laters.

02/11/02 1:00 pm estman, is it just me, or does the end of my last post sound like the conclusion to a movie? well, excuse the cheese, but it's serious. take care, chilluns

02/11/02 12:05 pm esthi all, hope you like the new look, i got bored, and realized that i was being a bastard by not linking any of my friends, so just up to the right there are several of them (more to be added when i get the rest of them down), by the way, if you figure out a way i can align the links to the right,and have them on the same lines as my other links, let me know. thanks.

well, the party this weekend was a hell of alot of fun. i was feeling capable of evil (to the extent that i warned holly to stop me before i got shot) i didn't come anywhere near truly evil, although quite a bit of bastardry came out. it was fun. i spent the night pretending to be uncontrollably drunk so i wouldn't have to sleep alexia, some random girl that wouldn't leave me alone. holly starred as the caring girlfriend figure, and i just had fun being verbally abusive, and turning into a pile of jello whenever alexia was in the same room. and some people say i'm not a good actor, what the fuck is that? ;-) i just would like to thank jeremy, Kat and patricia for coming up from chattanooga, and congratulate them for following my shitty directions, and actually making it to the party. just so you all know, i have a large bruise on my elbow, i think i picked that one up from fucking clarence the turtle.(damn you holly, for suggesting that to me when i was drunk) it's kinda funny, i can't believe some of that stuff happened. man, if this kind of thing keeps up, i'll be wilder at parties than nathan geble(if you don't know him, he makes tom green look like amber norris at parties) but yeah, that's about all i can remember from the party, but it was one hell of alot of fun.

turning to a more personal note, things have been busy and odd lately, directing is keeping me busy as hell, and now i have to add onto that confounds, theatre history, and that im the asm for the new show, woo hoo!, in all seriousness though, none of that would be a probelem, if it weren't for something else that i don't really want to talk about yet. lets just say that i thought i had gotten something i've wanted for a very long time(since chelsea and i broke up, april of '00). you see, i thought i had a chance at happiness, and just the thought was so euphoric that i was on could nine for a while. i've come to realize, albeit reluctantly, that chelsea was right. i don't need another girl, if i want to be happy, and consider myself stable, i need to figure out a different way to do so. now, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i've found that way, nor am i saying that i'm not going to be interested in girls, but i can't do this anymore, i have to have a sense of normalcy in my life, and i cannot depend on someone else to give that to me. i realized that one last night, i really just needed sombody to talk to, but unfortunately nobody was around. you know, sometimes you just need a hug, right?, anyway, i realized that i cannot keep doing what i'm doing, this constant two-way bullshit is tearing me up inside, my own little vicious cycle has gotten so fast that i can compelete it in under a day now (side note, they should really build computers that run on vicious cycles). i can't keep going like this, i know i will go crazy if i do. not to say that i haven't been happy, i have been, hell, most of you guys are what's been keeping me sane, espically you matt, if you're reading this, you know you kept me from going nuts several times last year.i'm not saying that the last two years of my life has been a lie, either. i have been, am now, and will continue to be the rhys you all know (and some of you love). i'm just going to be taking things in a new direction is all.i guess i'm a closet romantic, but i agree with tater, one of my favorite sights, in the world, is waking to the morning sunlight as it glints off of the shoulder of the woman lying next to me in bed.it just is, i can't help it, i love women, i love contact with them. i've just realized that, while it's nice, it's not the key to happiness, i'll have to find that for myself, but for now,I think i'm just going to sit back, relax, smoke a cigarette, and be happy for what i do have, which is one fuckload of good friends. Maybe that's the key to happiness. good day, everyone.

02/03/02 11:38 pm estdavid and jess just broke up. i want to know something beautiful for a change. /P.

02/03/02 10:43 pm estChuck has a very interesting/good point. I'll have a much longer and more formulated post soon, i just have to figure out how im going to order and say what i want (and what i want to say for that matter).

01/19/02 11:28 pm estso, umm, yeah, once again, upadting at a party. not much change since my last post. school keeps me busy again (yay!) directing is going to be one hell of alot of work again (as if that were a big suprise). this time, however, i have the addition of costume history (togas are fun!) and confounds (conceptual foundations of modern theatre, yes, the course name is a pun). yeah. im not as much in the "fuck it" mindset as i have been. i feel that a) talking to chelsea, b) being busy as hell with my classes, the costume crew i'm head of, and my job in the shop and c) the fact that right now i'm drunk, are helping me to feel more normal. so, yeah, other than that, i don't really have much of anything to say right now, so i'll talk to you kids later.

01/03/02 6:25 am estumm, ok, yeah, not much change since yesterday (i know you're all very suprised to hear that, god, i really do sound like marvin). anyway, stumbeled across my old press page the other day, it's here as well as at the top of the page. im out.

01/02/02 3:33 am estso, yeah, been awhile, as usual, as with shane, i'm following in the philosophy of updating when i feel i have something to say, or that im in the mood for it. anyway, other than that, Fuck It still reigns supreme as my mantra (if you find a better one, emailme. christmas was cool, i got a big ass (60 gig) hard drive and some ram, a wok (hell yeah!) and a rolling toolbox, all shit i can really use, which kicks ass. new years was last night, that was fun, lotsa drinking, fireworks, the usual various nefarious. chelsea's in town, it's been (insert adjective or adjective/adverb combo here) to see her again. im still siding on nice, but im not quite sure, a little odd, very steril (those of you who have been taunting me (you know who you are) can officially fuck off, 'cause that ain't gonna happen) 11/28/01 2:40 am esti got a router!, i got a router! Yay!, that means im not the only one who has to pay for cable around here anymore!. oh yeah, and i got the email on my cable account working, so you can send me mail at rdawson68@home.com. anyway, yeah, i like that email addy, it's pop3, so i can use it with outlook, which means i can be a really big geek, and download my email to my visor every morning,and read it in class! woo hoo!, seriously though, it's pretty neat-o. the rave this weekend was fun, i got to see christian, ryan, randy, donath, mahesh(sp?, never really seen it spelled before) anna, charlotte, mike,marshall, etc..., for the first time since january, it was nice to see everybody again, really relaxing, made it a holiday weekend for me. and, let me ask you this question in good fait, why do all the cute girls at raves have boyfriends?, last rave, i was talking to this one girl, having a nice time of it, for 2 and a half hours, and then her boyfriend comes up and kisses her. damn, that one sucked. i must have been doing alright, she didn't mention the fact that she had a boyfriend. while i don't like to be thought of as "the other guy" , at the same point, i obviously wasn't striking out, or she would have mentioned it. on a shorter note: My hair. those of you that haven't already will soon, see. anyway, i'm gonna get outa here now. buh bye all.

11/19/01 20 minutes later estFUCKIN A!!" Posted by Hemos on Sunday November 18, @04:39PM from the from-beyond-the-veil dept. mixedbag writes "A BBC news article suggests that a sixth book in Douglas Adams's Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy series will be published next May. It will be unfinished from files found of his computer. The title is to be A Salmon of Doubt."

11/19/01 2:26 am estlife sucks. seriously, of late, nothing has been worth it (yes, i know, i sound like marvin, cope.) im not sure why, but for some reason, there is nothing i even care about anymore, the only thing that keeps me in school is directing, and i'm pretty sure that has something to do with a mortal fear of fred. the cast party was last night. that was fun, i was hoping it would cheer me up, but it didn't. being lonely and bored really looses it's luster after awhile, ya know? still the party was a good time, i had fun at it, fred showed up, which was odd, but i think that may become more of the norm, not quite sure, but hey, one way to find out. anyway, after the party, at 4:oo in the morning, we went out to flintstone to watch the meteor shower, which was really cool, (literally, we froze our fucking asses off, even with the group spooning. strike is in 11.5 hours, so i need to be asleep in the near future. i've noticed this pattern in my life, associated with fall and things just generally sucking. that and insomnia (started summer of '00). i wouldn't call this depression, i hate terms like that. this is more of an acute boredom. so, yeah, i got up at 3 today and spent 6 hours cleaning, i woke up and my head didn't want to turn more than 5 degrees in either direction, so i had to take it slow. i shampooed the carpets though, so they;re nice and soft. man i wish i wasn't broke, i really need a cigarette. anyway, this is the true reason for me having this page. it's so i can rant. i started it 1 year, 1 month, and 9 days ago, how's that for forgetting an anniversary? anyway, i'm going to amuse myself in other ways untill i can pass out.

11/17/01 3:01 am esthrm, lets see, where to start? im not sure. the cast party is tommorrow, i just spent the last three hours rearranging the stuff in my house (i think my housemates will be a little suprised in the morning, needless to say). so, yeah, i started rehersals for my directing scene on monday. whoo! lotta work, one helluva lotta work. but i can do it, i think. umm, yeah, other than that, not much, still bored. i've almost adopted a new mantra: Fuck It. been my attitude about a lot of stuff lately.just hasn't really been any reason to say anything else. anyway, not much more to say, talk to you kids later.

11/10/01 1:20 am esthey folks, been awhile since i've last updated. i am currently residing at margret's opening night party, so i figured, what better time to update my webpage? so, umm, yeah, we're now officially on cable, i need to play with my old 486, and turn it into a linux router so that i can give everybody fast as shit internet, and not have to pay the 55 bucks a month by myself. yeah, other than that, not much is new with my life. we opened alice tonight. yeah, that's about all i can say, the sound decided to take some acid tonight as well, needless to say, in the middle of the play, it got nice and fucked up (sounded like sombody kicked out a cable). yeah, the play is WEIRD!!, the first time i saw it, i got flashbacks, which goes to show what kind of production it is. yeah. i finally got up the balls to ask erin out, needles to say that didn't work too well. but oh well, so much for that, my main reason was to get it over with before it became a thing. but yeah, people are reading this over my shoulder, and i don't want everybody to know that (they don't really check my webpage, not knowing it exists and all. so i'll talk to you kids later. buh-bye.

10/04/2001 1:31 am esthey all, yeah, been almost a month, im lazy and in directing, which is one hell of alot of work, so you'll have to get used to it. i got bored, and started reading cryptonomicon, hence this picture . but, yeah, that's really all i have to say, i'll talk to yall later.

09/08/2001 3:01 am estOHH MY GOD HE UPDATED!!!!!!! yes, it is i, the one, the only, that big, tall, fuzzy haired (well,not anymore) guy. so, um, yeah, it's been awhile. this summer was full of fun, and work, lotsa cigarettes and alcohol, entirely too much random shit to fit into one update (due more to memory than anything else). ok, so the big news, as of aug 14th, im single, which caught me by suprise. i spent the whole summer being good, and all for naught, needless to say. by the time i was single,i was friends with any options. jesus, i just referred to women as options (nick left a couple of days ago, im gonna miss him, it seems like only yesterday that we were working alone together, and splitting a beer in the booth at the playhouse. the funny part was, that was my senior year of high school, and we both hated the taste of beer, we just drank it to get it over with. now, of course (like almost all college students) beer is very nice, im not sure how the flip comes out of it, but it's like a switch gets flicked in your head, and all of a sudden, it's BEER!!! OHH MY GOD, THAT'S SOME GOOD SHIT!!! i remeber my liking beer experience, i was at phil's place (pre marrige to cass) and they had rolling rocks, and i drank one, didn't like it, but i drank it anyway, then i had another one, and it wasn't as bad. the third was almost enjoyable, and the 4th was great. then i realized that i was drunk. then we went to the bijou (didn't see a movie, don't ask me why i was there), and beth gave me the rest of her hickory bacon burger (oooohhhh bacon...mmmm....) anyway, jesus that seems like a fucking long time ago, but it was less than two years ago. alot has happened since then. sombody once told me that sleeplessness makes you age 4 times as fast, i think that may be true. last year was definately a long one, i think the rollover to 2002 will be most welcome, for others more than me. damn, i've wrote alot, this is probably my longest post, even longer than the acid trip post i made. this, too is stream of consciousness, but more organized. i can string now, squirt taught me that at btf, people who don't understand the term will find out sooner or later. so my parent's are selling their house, it makes sense that they are, claire being gone, they don't need a big house that's expensive on upkeep and all. but the difference is that they don't want to. i'll be plain about it, my dad hasn't had a job for what will be three years in novemeber. i'll miss that house, im sure lots of you know the basement well, it was quite a party place in high school. that was fun house, but those times are over, and i've always told myself not to dwell in the past. still, i can't help but think, right now, i would love to be surrounded by some old school friends, that would kick ass. i haven't really hung out with anna, charlotte,cara,christian,ryan,randy,adam(of course, but i see him every day), donath,bundy,marshall,holly,jesse...fucking everybody. i need a party that's like the last scene of labryinth, for fuck's sake, that would be awesome. i was gonna head up into oak ridge this weekend, but i have too much work to do, and there's not alot of people left. im not trying to sound depressed, this is a new time for me is all, my life is entering a new chapter. i am on my own in the sense that soon i will have no home to return to, at the same time, i have to say goodbye to all of that, it's just leaves a taste in your mouth. not necessiarily bad, just a taste, something that makes you ponder, and consider things.

so anyway, i think that about does it for me tonight, that's a lot of updating to do. you can now read alot of what's been going on in my mind lately. oh yeah, i talked to chelsea today as well. we seem to be at another parallel in life, weird how that works, eh? i wish she was back down here, not that im in love with her still or anything,but i feel that, generally, i just enjoy a better quality of life when she's around. that may or may not be true, im not sure, i think i would have to hang out with her for awhile again before i came to any real conclusion. anyway, i need sleep, got lotsa work to do, and while the old friends are absent, the new ones are present, and they're good foundations to lean on. so old and new, take care, and i'll talk to you later. goodnight.

07/03/2001 11:02 pm estwell, hrm, lemme think, umm, i've been pretty much working my ass off lately, that's about the norm up here. you'll notice the page has gotten alot shorter, that's because my mother somehow stumbeled upon this site. how, im not sure, but when i find out who told her the address, they will have hell to pay, there are things on this site that i did not want my parents to know about yet, i have times planned out for everything i had on this page. so, whoever you are who betrayed my trust, know this: you have let me down, trust is the highest honor i give to my friends, and you shall never have it from me again. but i've already got a good idea of how/who they found out from. anyway, in other news, brian and i quit smoking on monday, we're gonna see how well that goes (mom, if you've been reading any of this website, you already know that i smoke) anyway, that's really about it for me right now, not a whole lot of interesting stuff going on at present. unless, of course, you're interested in theatre, but then again, i don't feel like writing a novel. anyway, take care kiddies, and have fun(except one of you, who knows who they are), and i'll be on later.

06/02/01 7:45 pm estso, umm, yeah, im up here at btf, lemme just say, it kicks very much ass, i've been here for two or three weeks, it's been fun as hell, the first ten days, i got drunk ten times, how's that for moderation, huh? so, needless to say, im about all partied out, we're having another one tonigt, but i actually feel up to it for once. damn, i miss brenda, it's just not the same when she's not around. this place is awesome, it's just fun. cigarettes are expensive as hell(4.50 a pack) but other than that im having a blast. we bowl every thursday (no, chelsea, the real kind of bowling), last time, i lost a bet, i have to wear pigtails next time we go bowling. but i also won a bet, and now i get to chase ellen around with my squritgun while she's naked. i personally think she had heavier losses for the evening, but hey, she made the bet, so it's her probelem. hrm, what else is happenning. well, uhh, geeze, i think that's about it, not much else is going on up here. anyway, im outa here, chilluns, have fun with your summer months.

05/15/2001 4:42 pm estso yeah, it's been almost a month. chicago was fun, and the theatre history final wasn't that bad, needless to say, i was ecstatic to learn that i had made an a in the class. the rest of my grades were decent, but i worked my fucking ass off in that class, so im really glad to know that i made an a in it, i was only, after all , expecting to make a b. so in two days im heading up to massachutses for the summer. wild. eh?, im not sure how the update process is gonna go on that one, there's only a computer at the library that gives you 15 minutes of internet access per pop. that and im gonna be leaving brenda for the summer, what really sucks. im still looking forward to it though. oh yeah, chicago kicked very much ass. i got a pair of illicit pants!!! (well, not really illicit, but some guy was selling them on the street for 20 bucks a pair, and they were Jnco's, so im guessing it was a less than legal transaction. either way, i don't care, i got some kick ass pants for 20 bucks) there were some kick ass stores up there, too. and the art institute, which was awesome. and , jesus,i felt like i fit in there, i would be walking down the street, and cars would drive by with their windows down, and they would be playing aphrodite!, that's awesome!, man, i really wanna move to chicago, even riding the L was fun. of course, there are also the bums who ask you for cigarettes and then change. and the random drunken bums that accost you for no paticular reason, but the way i see it, you get used to those things pretty quickly, after all, how many people live in chicago? anyway kids, that's about everything that's happened in the past month, im gonna go away now, you guys have fun doing whatever it is you're doing.

04/20/2001 8:08 pm estwhy am i updating at 8:00 in the evening, you may ask? aren't i usually busy somewhere or something like that? well, there can be only one awnser for that: IT'S THE END OF THE YEAR!!!!! woo hoo!!!, yay!!!, on my balls even!!! yeah, im looking forward to it, it's pretty groovy. the chicago trip should be a blast.so, um, yeah, the show closed last saturday. I cut my hair right before it. 15.5 inches to be exact, is how much i cut off. let me just say, 10 minute showers are NIICE!!!.(yeah, i know that's pronounced neece, but i don't care) anyway, the only reason im typing right now is because i haven't updated in over two weeks, and i feel like i should include a large post. oh yeah, i started building My Woman's resumï¿½ page you can, of course, click on the link to look at it. so,,, um yeah, that's about it for now, jess want's me to smoke, so im gonna go do that. buh bye chillun.

04/05/2001 11:45 pm estwell, we open tommorrow, whee!! it's gonna be interesting, that's about all i can say. oh yeah, there's a pic of me breathing fire here it's kinda nifty. other than that, not much is up, just the usual stuff. anyway, i'll talk to you kids later.

03/31/2001 3:07 am estyup, it's been 10 days, not much new, just the usual stuff. im going to btf this summer, getting 100 bucks a week, so that's pretty cool. hello miss starr, how're things going with you? just so you know, your entry got cut off, so i don't know your email or anything like that, but if you wanna, you can email me, and i'll get back to you. anyway, g'night kids, i'll talk to you all later.

03/21/2001 4:06 am estDamn! what a week. my goodness. ok, where to start? ok, from the last post, you can note the thing with brenda. i'm very pleased to say that's continuous (i've got a woman, i've got a woman, i've got a woman hey! hey! hey! hey!) Setc was fun as well, i ran around and interviewed for about 15 jobs, saw both amy's, i actually got to hang out with mom a bit (amy morel) which was excellent. unfortunately, there are no good resteraunts in jacksonville. they do have a nifty drawbridge(it dosen't peak in the middle, the entire middle section just raises and lowers (read: stays level, just gets higher above the water)), and a building that's shaped like a giant toggle switch.and hey, today i got a call from the guy at BTF, so i've already got one job at least, which kicks much ass. im gonna hold out for jacob's pillow or heritage though, i would really like to work at one of those two, espically since i've heard nothing but good things about heritage, and the fact that brenda's probably gonna be working there this summer. so yeah, brenda and i are an item. wow. that's really odd, espically since it's about a year (give or take a week or two) since chelsea and i broke up. but oh well. brenda is amazing, that woman is a predator in disguise. i think i'll leave the rest to your imagination....

03/11/2001 10:09 pm estyeah, been awhile, i know. what can i say, lots of shit has been happenning. i spent the night with brenda last night(no 90210 quotes, please). i got the best night's sleep that i've had in months, needless to say, it was exquisite. i can't wait for setc to roll around, im looking forward to the road trip, the actual convention, and also drinking a beer on the beach at sunset, with a bonfire made of driftwood. classic corona ad? maybe, but it is really damn relaxing. i'm also looking forward to the drive down, brenda and i will get a chance to talk about stuff. im really hoping last night wasn't a one time only sort of occasion. (we didn't have sex, don't worry, but damn!! that woman is voracious!) oh yeah, mike had a wallace siting. (look around this guy's page for explanations).

02/28/2001 12:31 pm estwell, it's been the usual couple of days, same same all same, no real big changes. i called the guy at billingsly automotive, and he said i need to get my torque converter solenoids replaced. whew! im glad, that's only about 200 bucks, which is one hell of alot cheaper than a new car. so i'll get that done tommorrow. that's really about it, but oh yeah, sign my guestbook, please, i'm not like this guy and refuse to have a guestbook, it's there for a reason. anyway, take care chilluns, i'll rant at ya later.

02/26/2001 6:59 pm estwhee! that was an interesting post, nick thought it was interesting, he called it a "masterpiece of futility", i call it crap. take note, children, this is the kind of thing that happens when you take drugs. so im cast in caucasain chalk circle. robert may have us rappel in from a catwalk, which would just be bad-ass. also (as several people at the aforementioned party noticed) i can breathe fire, and will be in the show. fun, eh?

02/25?/2001 4:57 pm estlook, the donut is playing with html, dammit to you nick, who said this would be good idea. hrm, oh well, looks like im gonna be stuck here awhile, might as well make myself comfortable. so umm, yeah, the jury is still out as to weather or not im gonna have a car tommorrow, it barely made the trip down here(much as did i), so tommorrow, err, monday i think that is, im gonna go get it looked at and find out if im going to be in the market for some automotive-style lovin, or a groovy new set of circles upon which to roll around.well, if that wasn't a run on sentance, i'll sell my right testicle to courtney. bob was my wingman on the drive back down today. bob, of course, didn't know that he was my wingman, indeed, bob didn't know he was bob. bob is a figment of my imagination.he happens to be the name i gave to the blue toyota pickup truck that was following me back to chatttanooga.nonetheless, bob was a good wing man. as i wandered my way down the road at 80 miles per 60 minute cycle, bob kept right alongside of me, being a good bumper between this reality and the next. thank god for bob's. i was briefly matt's bob today, at least i think i was. matt was playing me,at least to say, we had a subconscious rendition of:

THE DAY THE WORLD TURNED MAUVEstarring:(in non-congruous order)matt (aka tater) as :Meme (aka,steve, or that big fuzzy guy with the hair,or DOUNT, or DAMMIT RHYS as holly likes to call me) as: mike P(last name undisclosed because i felt like it)the play opens briefly upon an interesting choice of set, strategically built to look just like tater's carport, and strategically lit to look like it's about 4 in the morning. seated USC is Rhys (played by matt), just next to him, reclining, smiling slightly, is mike (played by me).rhys: dammit rhys, how many costumes did you bring to this party?mike: only two, why am i naked?rhys: no, just making sure (pause) jesus (grabs hair, shakes head)mike: you just gotta relax, and go with it, trust me.rhys: yeahmike: yeahscene twosame setting, any number of minutes later(rhys is still making interesting expressions, which have hitherto not gone unnoticed by mike)mike: matt?rhys: yeah?mike: you doin ok?, is there anybody else that you want to be here?rhys: yeah, im ok... it just won't stopmike: yeah, i know, don't worry, you just have to relax, and let it take you where it's gonna take you, 'cause it's gonna take you there, wether you like it or notrhys: umm, okmike: yeah, don't worry, relax, you wanna get some fresh air?rhys: i need some watermike: ok(get's kinda dull, after that, huh?)

so, enough of that, more to follow (probably not, this is very stream of consciouness, if you haven't noticed) so, umm, yeah, to sum up, i was being matt's bob, and, since matt was being me, i was being my own bob, otherwise known as mike. so, yeah, for awhile i was in mikes position a couple of weeks ago.

good, im glad to know you're coming with me on this...

so, i think that's about it for this trip tonight, im feeling a bit shagged and fagged and fashed, it being an evening of somewhat small energy expenditure, oh my brothers.yeah, that's my very tangentally-prone way of saying:bye bye untill next time (whenever that will be)

and remember folks, somewhere, out there, big brother bob is watching you, so take a nice rest, and cuddle up warmly against your reason for being, taking special account just how lucky you are to be there, and to have sombody like bob watching over you.

02/19/2001 12:37 am estweird, my counter is at exactly 666 (well, when i refresh this page,667, but still, it's odd) jesus i have a hangover, it's really quite unpleasent. i bought more cdr's today, for the vagina monolouges soundtrack, so those will be out later in the week. shane told me the bootleg from the hybrid worked out rather well, that's very good. so, umm yeah, not much else going on.the cast party was, well, at least partially enjoyable. i was by far the most idiotically dressed person there (glow in the dark pants are good for that kind of thing). anyway, yeah, that's about it.

02/17/2001 3:42 pm estYAY!! there's a cast party today, which should proove fun. i think it's at deanna's, but it may well be at joans, i guess we'll find out at strike. i wonder if i need to bring my computer, like i did to the last one. i already have a melancholy feeling about this party, im not sure if it's gonna be as good as the last one was. not quite sure yet, but it just seems foreboding like that, you know? so, umm, hmm.... it's 3:45 pm, do you care where your morals are? yeah, that wasn't random, i promise. i need to go price drivebelts for my car, apparently they aren't that hard to put back on, according to my little car manual that tells you how to take a car apart down to smallish(well, small for a car, anyway) peices, and then put it back together again. i've been lucky though, i havent' taken my car apart yet, which is good, considering i now know how to. yesterdays were fun, i stayed up for about 40 hours and then slept for 10, im not exactly sure how you fit 50 hours into two days, but apparently you can do it. maybe it was all the speed i was on. that could possibly do it, i guess. anyway, i'll let you kids know how the cast party turns out (the people that are reading this know what i mean).

02/11/2001 5:18 pm estso, umm, yeah, i put the source for the acorn pics back in, so there and there you go. that's really about it, i think, not a whole lot else is going on. so, um, yeah, im gonna continue sitting here in front of my computer for awhile. man, insomnia is so much fun... whee!

02/11/2001 3:03 pm estdamn, only three days. what a long three days it's been, too. not much has happened, today is gonna be a busy day (at least from 7 on, anyway) it's funny, it's three in the afternoon, and im still thinking the day is ahead of me. well, that's 'cause it is, i guess. i'm running sound for the vagina monolouges. apparently my parents are gonna come to see it, that should be interesting. i think im gonna tell them i smoke, just something i want to get off my chest. oh well, i probably won't, but who knows, if this mood, (due mostly to insomnia, the second part being boredom) continues, i'm pretty sure that i will tell them, that'll be interesting. but hey, the good thing is that if they do come down, at least they'll take me to dinner or some such type thing as that. hmm. other than that, not much here, although i'm glad the way nick's punishment turned out. just read his site to find out. it kicks ass. so, yeah, so long till next time, keep your heads on.

02/08/2001 12:48 am esthmm, 6 days, again, not much has happened. that's odd, on the 6th, line set 6 flew away, thankfully the break was on, or else it would have come back down, and probably taken an electric with it, not good. so, of course, we all too the state mandated smoke break after that. thats about it, i got some fucking awesome pants today, hopefully i'll have a reason to wear them soon. so, uhh, yeah. that's about it.

02/02/2001 1:01 am estok, well, first things first, jesse is mad 'cause i didn't mention him on my page, i think i shall call him boy flannel, it just sounds better than flannel boy. yeah. anyway, umm, no real reason to update the page, life is just kind of oozing along. umm, yeah. mike should be down this weekend, so that should be fun, im hoping to get in touch with him, it'll be good to hang out with him some more, i did on sunday, but yeah, i dunno, some more prolonged mikeness would be good too. so, umm, yeah, that's about it.

01/30/2001 8:49 pm estdamn. let me just say damn. sunday night changed my life, mike wasn't kidding, you're not the same person two days later. the world is a much noiser place, but i myself feel, i don't know, more at peace. i was just sitting around today, and people would come up to me, and i didn't care if i talked to them or not. i just kinda sat there. margret and joan doing brooklyn accent's were cracking me up too. i don't know why, it was just funny. damn, my back hurts, where's my nigthly visit from jess? i want a backrub, dammit...

01/25/2001 11:49 pm estwell, since nick has been catching hell due to this high school thing, he took his page down, thus, the real evidence from their stunt can be seen here. oh yeah, bass ran away from home. let me just say, it's been such a good day,my god. im glad i have lots of beer.

01/25/2001 6:24 pm estnick got fucking busted, that sucks ass. he told me about the prank they were gonna do, which i think is awesome. i mean, they just changed "oak ridge high school" to "Mario high school" which isn't that bad, hang a couple of letters, move a couple, and take some out. but, the administration foundout, which is horrible. at least they didn't destroy anything, and they have the letters, so they're not that bad off. nick could get screwed though, he mentioned the words "court" and "expulsion". if i find out who ratted on them, there is gonna be hell to pay, so, all of my friends, keep your eyes peeled, and let me know. i know a few of you (holly, nick, marshall, etc..) have heard stories of me from high school, and you know if they're true or not. nick and bass are about to take one for the team, so we need to keep in mind what happens to them...

01/24/2001 8:53 pm estwell, it's been awhile. i'm suprised that people actually look at my page, that's nice i guess. goddamn it, women are weird sometimes, there currently exists a most unpleasent situation between me and a female friend of mine. i asked her out on a date, over the phone, which was probably the worst way to do it. that was friday, she said she wanted to talk to me about it, but as of yet, that converstaion (which i want to have too) has not taken place. the probelem is that i feel there is a great deal of confusion between us right now, there certainly is tension, which shouldn't be there. i don't want to date her (yet anyway) i asked her out merely as an idea for consideration. i enjoy her company, and value her as a friend. i asked her out because i was interested to see if there was anything else there, or could be. i'm afraid she thinks that, when i asked her out, i was asking her to date me. i was asking her to go on a date with me, not to start a relationship. so yeah, confusion and turmoil have been storming through my brain for the past couple of days, and im fucking sick of it. hopefully this will all be resolved soon, and we will continue to be friends. but as of right now , i am unsure of even that outcome. arrrgh! situations like this really piss me off. i feel like a criminal of sorts, and yet i have done nothing wrong. if this sounds familar to any of you readers, or you feel like telling me im a dumbass or something of the sort, feel free to email me about it. anyway, rant at you later.

01/20/2001 6:09 am gmtOh yeah, if you'll look at the top, you will notice that i finally added a guestbook to my site, so if you feel like it, go ahead and Sign it. Ok, i lied, i didn't leave the page alone, but i felt like playing, ok? so sue me.

01/20/2001 5:46 am gmthrm... well, yeah, that's all i really have to say is hrm. i forgot to check out a copy of Tartuffe yesterday, so i really need to stop by the library tommorrow, or im fucked come monday. tonight was interesting. long, and interesting i watched undressed on mtv untill about 5:30, when chad brought a bunch of his friends over, then we watched escape from new york. good distraction. i really feel sorry for kids that are watching that slop nowadays, they're going to get some really fucked up perceptions of how life(and sex, espically) works in the real world. i mean, if people in high school and college had that much sex, the world would be a much sticker place than it already is. we would also make tires out of something other than laytex. hmm well, that's about a good paragraph of ranting, i wonder what else i should bother to put on this page. i think im gonna leave it alone for now, and go watch that movie. sadly though, it's the one i should have never purchased on dvd, sure, it's a good, cheesy 80's action flick, but still, when it all boils down to it, it really kinda sucks. more to come later kids, maybe some day i'll tell you what else happened tonight.But that is a story for another day...

01/15/2001 7:54 pm estyeah, you guessed it, im bored again. notice a recurring theme here? so i've been kicking around on napster lately. i have to admit, there's a really diverse population on there. last night i talked to this random lady from the same town where chelsea goes to college, that was odd, the whole small world dilemma. of course, today was a return to the norm, with the usual handful of dumbass, inbred 14 year olds, the usual crop, i guess. i'll have to admit, it's really fun to engage in an argument, 'cause they always try to play up to my level, which dosen't work at all. anyway, no real reason to update the page, i'm just my usual, bored as hell self. i suppose i'll update my playlist soon, so i guess i'll stick that link in there so you can find it when i do.

01/14/2001 2:14 pm estdamn, two updates in only 12 hours,i wonder if that's a good thing. i got this picture from my friend tammy, it's a bunch my female friends from the theatre department. not the best picture, but, it works, i guess. anyway, that was the only real reason i updated the page, so have fun, whomever you are.

01/14/2001 2:59 am esthrm, where should i start. oh yeah, since nothing has happened, nowhere! that makes sense.

damn, my counter is up to 262, not bad considering i expected myself to be the only one actually looking at this page. it kind of suprises me to see that people are actually looking at this. so, umm, yeah, HEY!!!! you random people that seem to be actually looking at this site, if you feel like dropping me a line, just email me, and i'll probably write you back, either that, or do like stile does and write/bitch about it on my page.

so, yeah. mike's party was a blast, the keg was in the elevator, offically making it the kegavator, which was an excellent idea, making it accesibile to all 4 floors, with out anybody having to undergo the indecenacy of actually walking anywhere. good call, major props to whoever had that idea. and i do mean major props, next time the person who had that idea is performing a play, i will give them major props...(sorry, the puns just kind of oooze out some time, you know?)

01/12/2001 2:28 pm estok, jesus geocities is a bitch, but, i finally got the damn survey uploaded, took all of 30 minutes. you can see it here.

01/12/2001 1:55 pm estyou know, i finally realized that this isn't gmt here, oh well, no big deal. the counter on this page is being odd, half the time it says 000000 when i load the page, half the time it says like 240 or something like that, which is odd, i really wonder who looks at this page besides myself. anyway, so, umm, yeah, not a whole lot has happened in the last week, joan and i are supposed to do something tonight, and mike's having a largish party at his apartment, which is all good. hmmm.... what a nice tangent. oh yeah, im gonna post that survey, look for an update here soon about that. anyway, have fun kids, i'll be on later.

01/05/2001 5:45 am gmtweel shit, it's been about, ohh, i dunno, two weeks since i last touched this site. yeah, that seems about right. i haven't slept in awhile, which is usual. chelsea got back into town on the 31st, which was weird for all of about 30-45 hours, but then it was all good, we talked and shit. i'm glad she came down, i dunno if i'll ever see her again after this break. i'm glad that i've gotten to know chelsea, i dunno, my life has really been much more of a life since i've known her. i dunno, i guess im just being sentimental, which is weird, 'cause at this moment, chelsea is sitting on the floor just off to my left. new years was cool as shit, two parties, i had champagne(sp?) for new years, which was nice. the other odd thing was that the day before, (the 30th) chuck called me and told me he needed help setting up the Pa system for shane dixons party. dosen't usually happen. but anyway, so, what's in store for untill next update. let's see, saturday afternoon or so i'll be heading back down into chattanooga, get in touch with all the people down there. i'll be updating my mp3 list, i've gotten new, very cool shit that i need to put on this list, don't ask me why. i addition to that, look for a new link appearing on this page, i'm gonna post a survey i did awhile ago, which people seem to find funny, so i'll put it up. anyway, have fun kids, i'm gonna go see what the world is doing at 6 am.

12/21/2000 10:45 am gmtgoddamn it, trying to find a job sucks ass, i believe there is a conspiracy in oak ridge against college students, espically me. no, i'm not stoned, or paranoid, i'm just fucking pissed. this really sucks, i can tell my parents are getting annoyed with me, just sitting around the house and being broke isn't as much fun as they would believe, it's not like i'm not trying to get a job, i've been here 9 days, and submitted as many applications, does that count as not trying to find a job? so friday there is supposed to be a party at christians house, which should proove distraction worthy. curtis and i are supposed to go in on a ten strip for that evening as well, so, who knows, if i can find my share of the money, that should proove to be relatively interesting.

12/20/2000 7:20 pm gmtthis is interesting, i'm so bored that im updating the page. it's ok though, soon i'll be unconscious, i took an ambien, so that will turn off my brain for the next 8 hours, it's already getting hard to type... it looks like i'll be working at arby's, the people told me to come back tommorrow and talk to the day time manager(silly little thing, i'm gonna work days, why can't the nighttime manager hire me?) anyway, it's just some bullshit job that i'm gonna pretend to work at for the next 2 weeks, so it dosen't really matter. also, there's a darling little 2 track reel-to-reel at the pawn shop in oak ridge, they want 100 bucks for it, so i need to scrounge up some cash. that would be good. i think i'm gonna pawn my speakers tommorrow, even though my parents told me that i should just sell them to marshall like i planned, i don't think that he's gonna get around to giving me the cash for them, so pawn it will be. maybe.... anyway, yeah, i can feel the ambien working, my eyes are ceasing to focus independantly, ohh sweet sweet drugs, deliver me unto salvation from consciousness...

12/18/2000 6:15 pm gmtlook, a whole 7 days again,and, nothing, again, has happened. i played airsoft yesterday, which was fun, and today i once again continued my desperate struggle to find a job. this sucks, i need to make some money. i would honestly much rather be down in chattanooga (i wonder why that is...) but alas, no, i'm here, in oak ridge, the city that never does anything. jesus, this is boring. lets look at the week in revue:monday:well, as you can see from the last update, shit happened. big suprise there.tuesday:i tired to get in contact with joan. unsuccessful, i headed up to oak ridge, where i unpacked and fell asleep.wendsday:woke up at 11:00, went to get a dvd player with my dad, groove came in the mail,i set up my computer and watched it. i was happy, briefly.thursday:thursday has been the only really positive experience of the break so far.i woke up at 8:00, my dad needed to get the van worked on, so i was boy driver. got back, woke up at 1:30, took my dad to get the van again, got some lunch, whee. then, i went to knoxville with cory and marshall, we went to sassy ann's a jazz club, which was cool as shit,then we went to the utc campus, and went to a party where i ended up getting laid, interesting turn of events, hey, i'm not complaining.friday:lets see, what happened friday, technically, i got laid on friday(after 12:00 am) ok, friday, i got 3 hours of sleep, tried to get more jobs, umm, i think that's about it. at some point in time i saw the cell.saturday:umm, i slept, alot, ran around with marshall i think, went to jeremy's and got drunk? no that was friday, days are a blur, they have really ceased to be days, more alternating periods of consciousness and unconsciousness yay, i'm so elated.sunday:sunday i played airsoft, and watched boondock saints.monday:i looked for a job, and i'm gonna go watch movies at adams, boy oh boy, what a blast this vacation is gonna be. like i said, i would much rather be down in chattanooga, it would be much more interesting. at least to say that i want to be down there.

12/11/2000 7:38 pm gmtwell, it's been a week. what can i say, it's been 7 days, that's about it, nothing, nada, shit has happened. kinda boring, i can head home to OR anytime i want, but there is one thing i want to do first, i'm just trying to get the opportunity. don't you just hate it when that happens? anyway, bored... yeah. that's about it, catch me later, i may feel different. goddamn, i feel like marvin.

12/4/2000 7:17 pm gmtwhew! man, what a day, don't you just love it when, at 1:00am sunday morning, you realize that you have an english portfolio due in exactly 12 hours? boy, let me tell you, i sure did! lets just say that, 3 pots of coffee, and a half a pack of cigarettes later, i waltzed into the computer labs to print off my assignments (i do the work at home, utc can pay for the paper) tommorrow is reading day, which means: THE ATTACK OF THE INFERNAL, NEVER-ENDING DEMLABS!!!!! (trust me, you wanna scream) actually, i'm really looking forward to them, i wanna see how adam and joan are doing as directors. other than that, life is pretty much life. matt and i went to mckays, and got a shit load of plays. i have a theory, i don't think there is any absurdist theatre that is longer than 100 pages. so, yeah, i'm gonna go study my ass off for the theatre history final on wendsday, shortly after that, i should be heading back up to oak ridge, i get to deleiver pizzas for three weeks! yay! or something like that.

11/30/2000 7:19 pm gmtwell, what can i say, life has pretty much been life for the past couple of days, nothing much has been happenning, i did a little bit more work on my gatling gun, i put the batteries in a backpack and made a shoulder strap to carry it with, that was fun. i'm taking it down to the theatre with me tommorrow, that should be alot of fun. ( i am, of course, going to try and work on it tommorrow, such is why i'm taking it down there) i guess the main question is where with it to start. well, if that didn't sound like yoda talking, i don't know what would. .

11/27/2000 9:55 pm gmtwell, now there's proof (i wonder if that's a good thing) that i have the acorn, i got shane to take some pictures for me, you can see them here and here. i hope you enjoy them, unless you're affiliated with ORHS, then don't look, bad monkey, no.

11/26/2000 5:02 pm gmti wonder where matt is, i just figured he would be back in the dorm before i was. oh well, no biggie. i now have an acorn adorning my wall(don't ask). my weekend was ok, i played airsoft,which i think is addictive, 'cause it was really damn fun. i discovered some bunkers in a part of my yard(hey, it's 8 acres, i don't look at it all most of the time) they prooved to be an unexpected, and fun aspect to the last airsoft game(the only one that i won). anyway, back in town, i'm not sure what's going on now, i need to finish reading this 80 page rennisance monstrosity for my theatre history class. (actually, it's not all that bad, but the words "rennisance monstrosity" are just too cool to not use). anyway, i hanven't linked anything for a while, so here.

11/20/2000 11:34 pm gmtdamn, what an exquisite weekend. i haven't had such a good time in almost as long as i can remember. didn't do anything to wild, but i just had a really damn good time. i supplied the music for the cast party, alot of people were amazed that i listen to stuff other than techno, which is odd, but, oh well, they'll get to know me.after the party, we all went to mikes, and continued drinking/smoking/whatevering. that was fun to, then we went to waho, and andrew cut his head,anyway, being as we needed to be instantaenoulsy alert, joan and i took some adderol (the emergency room is really fun at 10:00 in the morning, after no sleep, no really). adderol(sp?) is really fun, nice and mellow, but it keeps you awake, makes me think i may have add, i've never been able to concentrate as well as i did with that stuff, you should see my apartment, i cleaned the hell out of it. this is the first time i've really hung out with joan, that was also really damn fun, just nice to realx and get a fresh perspective. anyway, i think that's about it, im gonna go sleep now, and make spaghetti, mmm...

11/15/2000 4:41 pm gmtwell, it's official, my parent's hate me, not only did i manage to get bitched out by my father on the phone, but my mother called up later on to bitch me out about her credit rating falling! i'm sorry mom, but i'm not the one who insisted you be on the account. anyway, that just really pissed me off, i'm not even going to write what they said about matt. so, yeah, i'm currently deafing myself to nine inch nails. tommorrow im gonna go cancel my bank account, if they don't want their credit rating hurt, i won't hurt it. wether or not i'll open another one is still not decided yet, i probably should, but who knows, math just seems to work differenlty with banks.my father told me in an email that there would be hell to pay if i hurt their credit rating, that's very nice, espically since he ended the email(one line later) with "See you on thanksgiving" heh, that's really funny, i almost laughed. yeah, they may see me, i highly doubt it, they'll have to look in chattanooga, i dunno, i'll call shane and see if i can crash on his couch for thanksgiving. i don't think i'll want to see them.

11/14/2000 3:08 am gmthey, it's 3 in the morning, i should be asleep, time for an update! matt gave plasma today, so we had tacos, and he bought cigaretts, which is good. hopefully i'll get paid tommorrow, who knows, i think i may have more money owed in overdrafts than i'll be getting from the paycheck. suck. but hey, it's all good, this weekend will mark the end of the 2nd show we're doing, so i'll have even more time to be bored. hmm, yeah, that's about it, apparently my playlist is working again, so that's good. hmm, well folks, i think that's about all i can write now, my brain is telling me it wants to spend the next several hours on it's own, so i'm gonna unplug it for awhile. maybe i can still get around without it, i doubt it though, it knows where my keys are, and i kinda need those. hmmm. dammit, i had something i was gonna say, but i totally forgot, something about napster? mp3's? nope. hmm. oh well, i'm sure i'll think of it sooner or later. oh yeah, look for an update to the papal towels infomerical soon, i'm feeling blasphemous again! by the way, it's not geocities that can suck my left testicle(sorry geocities, you may still suck, but i haven't discovered it yet) it's actually netscape, and that fact that it's a bitch, and also it dosent like the .htm extension(ahh the good ol days of win95 and such...)

11/13/2000 a bit later pm gmtok, geocities can officially suck my left testicle (both of them, in fact). their infernal file manager seems to not want to let me upload my playlist. it opens fine in netscape, but not when i've loaded it onto my page, i tired to edit it, and all i got was a blank screen. i dunno, i think it's too big for their file editor, that would probable be the case, as im sure it probably sucks. anyway, if you want it just email me and i'll send it to you. hopefully, however, i'll have it up here in a bit.

11/13/2000 5:07 pm gmtwell, it's been a bit, bob is still cut down, which sucks. anyway, other than that, i realized that i should put a list of my mp3's up, so, here it is. other than that, not much has been happening, i think i went home for a weekend at some point. yeah, that would be just after they cut bob down... those bastards... anyway, the list is there,it's not too well organized, i just used winamp's playlist generation feature, so it's my list of songs, and it's being a real bitch to get working, so if the link dosen't like you, well, i'm woring on that.

11/06/2000 9:57 pm gmtTHOSE BASTARDS CUT BOB DOWN!!! i'm really pissed off at maintenance now, they cut my damn tree down, for no reason at all, i got back, and it was gone. i pulled the stump back in, and hung i sign on it saying "please don't hurt me anymore" i mean, jesus, i got him in there without cutting it, they could have just pushed it back out. that makes me angry.

11/03/2000 10 mins later, gmtoh yeah, we got a smoking couch, i named it ralph, and we got a plastic diety, i named him prospero

11/03?/2000 6:36 am gmtneedless to say it's been awhile, but hey, what can i say, tonight was fun, i got slightly drunk, watched braveheart, jess found out i had a tounge ring, and i told everybody about my 3rd testicle, i really should get that looked at... but anyway, i was passing by this burnt-down frat house, and decided to pick up a brik, it felt sentimental, even though i don't know what frat it was, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. of course, later a utc officer stopped me and asked my why i was carrying a brick, so i told him about it, and my fallen brethren, and he let me pass, right now it's balancing my table, good enough use, i'm sure that about 6 months from now im just gonna throw it away. anyway, last night (wendsday) i went and saw moby, my god, it was exquisite, i f**king made eye contact with him, he looked at me(he's got grey eyes), i smiled at him, and he smiled back, i thought it was cool as hell, i've wanted to see him in concert ever since i heard "feelin so real" at my first cast party. then i caught a glowstick he threw, which also kicked ass. anyway, that's about it,this weekend im gonna go up to oak ridge, maybe play some airsoft , and help my sister throw a cast party, so all should be good. anyway, good night (morning actually) children, take care of yourselves, and rememeber, condoms are easier to change than diapers.

10/21/2000 6:47 pm gmtwell, wouldn't you know it, i go home for the weekend, and i get an email about a party in athens, now im stuck, do i go down to athens, which is about four hours away? anyway, i remember why i dont like being at home, my little sister (who can program html, but can't hook up a vcr.. go figure) likes to bug me about where i download mp3'3, this is coming from the girl who had the gall to call BT elevator music. im sorry, but i dont really see how you could call it that, it kicks just a little too much ass to be classified as muzak, her reasoning is that it's electronic, but oh well, some people are just like that. anyway, i must say im impressed with sydney, he actually came through, i met up with him today, and he had some pillow blocks for me, of course the shaft i bought didn't fit, but i'll fix that at a later date. but hey, the good thing is that my gatling gun is coming together, it should be more or less functional by christmas

10/19/2000 7:07 pm gmtWhew! well, guess, what, i was bored again, and this time, i let my creativity get the better of me, and started typing out an infomercial, it's pretty damn funny if you ask me, i mean, cmon, who dosen't like to make fun of the catholic church? it's not complete yet(gotta fill that 30 minute time slot) but it will be, anyway, you can see what i've got so far here.

10/19/2000 12:33 am gmthmm, and to think it's been a whole 5 days i managed to resist the urge to write something on here(acutally, i just forgot, but hey, who cares?) anyway, same same all asme, once again, the payroll department fucked up, and i failed to get paid, i think i should teach them the value of a stick... again. but yeah, my life has been a little more busy, i didn't get to sleep saturday or sunday night due to an upper jaw infection that was keeping me up, so i called the dentist down here, and he, without bothering to see me, decided it was an infection, and gave me a perscription, needless to say, im just a bit curious, it still hurts some, and im worried if im taking drugs i do not need to be by the way, this is an excellent site, if you like to roll, or know people who do, send them there, it's called DanceSafe , and it contains lots of good information about ecstacy, and why it can make you dumb, or at least twitchy, maybe sombody should have sent micheal j fox there a couple of years ago..... anyway, i leave you with a parting thought.... couch.

10/13/2000 2:37 am gmtwowy, im drunk, and, look, im playing with html, i was right, this is fun, i dont think i can link anything though. hmm, not much new on any paticular fronts, i have to make the usual comment... being broke sucks ass. talked to marshall today, he's doing well, that's good, nice to know good friends are doing alright. anyway, i can't think of much else to say, i'm really damn hungry, oooh... crackers....

10/12/2000 10:58 pm gmtoh yeah, i figured that those of you who don't know me may like to see what i look like, this picture kind of works, it's ugly, but it's also the only one i have, im the tall one in the hawian shirt, you can see it here

10/12/2000 10:35 pm gmtso anyway, i got bored, and i moved a tree into my balcony. it's not actually a tree, just large (6" diameter) branch of a near by tree, ok a tree that's about 25 feet away, but hey, i was bored, and you know me when i get bored, i think i shall call it bob.

10/12/2000 7:17 pm gmti'm broke, really damn broke, im even out of ramen, i think i mentioned that before, but oh well, i felt like bringing it up again. being broke is not much fun, you know? aside from being hungry alot,and not being able to do anything about it, it's not realy that bad, untill you want somehthing, and realize that you can't have it. the power went out for a day a couple of days ago, that was really damn fun, matt was bitching about it, but i liked it, i mean, if you can't deal with not having power for a day, you're in a sad situation, and that's evening coming from a technocrat! but seriously, im gonna talk to the college, and see if we can organize a week without power or something, just to let people realize how something so simple, and taken for granted, makes such a difference. it would be really interesting

10/12/2000, 1:58 am gmtyou know what,i watched jackass tonight, it's kind of funny, always entertaining to watch people intentionally hurting themselves. matt and i are broke, offically, i just ran out of ramen, that's how broke we are, of course, i've still got some cigarettes and coffee left, which is good, that'll have to last me until next tuesday, which makes drinking this weekend a bit of a challenge, but that's ok, maybe i'll find sombody who wants to lend me the money for it. suck, it's 2 in the morning, and i can't sleep, maybe there is some homework i can find to do or something, hey, there's always the a-team!

10/11/2000, 5:15 pm gmtwoo hoo! day o' fun times, matt and i went to the ihop with a couple of friends the other night. after about 15 minutes, the cops politely ushered us out of the building,don't you just love bomb threats? i kinda wish i'd gotten my food though,free food is always nice,but oh well. so, of course, we went to waho and the usual fun times prevaled. anyway, upon returning home, matt decided that he was suicidal and went for a walk on mlk (ever notice how most of the time, when i city has a martin luther king boulevard, that you don't want to walk on it?) the people on mlk were really nice though, at least three people told him that he shouldn't be there, or he would get killed, that's why i love this town, people are so considerate of others.

10/10/2000, 9:39pm gmtDid i mention that i'm bored alot? it's rather interesting, im sitting around, and all i seem to do is write shit down for this page, now i see how stile does it. pretty soon, i'll get bored enough to play around with images, and then, who knows, maybe some scripts or something. on a lighter note, i took my roomate out so he could get a job, not having money is a new experience. i have to say, there is something liberating about not having money, sort of a finanical freedom of sorts, of course, then you run out of smokes, or ramen,or you want to get drunk, or you need to do laundry, and you realize that you're just another broke-ass college student. well, i've got half a carton of camels to last me to next tuesday, i think i'll be alright.

same day, one hour later...wow, this html shit is pretty fun, all you have to do is stay up all night, wishing the gods to destroy yahoo and geocities 'cause their html editor sucks ass, and presto! you figure out (more or less) how to get everything together, and make it work. i have a new challenge, i need to get really drunk, and then try my hands at this, should proove to be relatively interesting.

tuesday, oct 10, 2:00 pmso today, nothing much has happened, yet anyway, i got back from the theatre , after my first (and only) class, i talked to kay, i'm not getting paid untill tuesady, which makes me really glad that i bought a carton of cigarettes last time, who needs to eat when you can smoke? that's about it, i think im going back to oak ridge this weekend, i need to do laundry, and i'm bored. of course, there will probably be the usual drunken festivities this friday, so i may well stay down here.