Pages

Sunday, August 24, 2008

HSPs and Choosing Positive Energy

Many Highly Sensitive Persons-- or so it seems-- struggle with their friendships and relationships, often feeling like there's an "imbalance of energy" going on. In many cases, our natural inclination is to be somewhat passive and compliant, and so we attribute the fact that certain (or many) people leave us exhausted to "being highly sensitive."

This isn't always the healthiest approach to the challenges being an HSP and interacting with people. Truth is, a lot of the time the "exhaustion" we feel after an interaction is less about us, than it is about the other person. At the very least, we owe it to ourselves to be cognizant of the fact that we shouldn't automatically "assume responsibility" for the difficulties we experience with other people.

Whereas it may be true that disproportionately many HSPs have had "difficult" or abusive childhoods and/or relationships, and may have certain issues with codependency, I'm not really going to get into that. This post is more about self-awareness NOW, and how we need to look more closely at the people in our lives and recognize the relationships that give us energy, and those to take energy.

This "sorting" can be fairly simply done, merely by looking at how we feel about the prospect of spending time with someone we know. If we genuinely look forward to a contact with someone, odds are they are a "positive energy source." Of course, it's not always that obvious.

Maybe we know someone we always really look forward to seeing, and have a good time with, but end up exhausted at the end. But what is that particular exhaustion about? If' we're merely overstimulated because we always "do so much" with that person, they are not necessarily a "negative energy source." In such a case, it may truly be just a matter of our sensitive nature getting "too much of a good thing."

However, when we think about contact with a person, and are filled with resignation, hesitance, dread, discomfort, anxiety, nervousness or fear... odds are we've got someone who's a "negative energy sink" in our lives. In those cases, it usually pays to heed our intuition, because it's easy to rationalize our dis-ease as "just being too sensitive." And sometimes we can make very "reasonable" arguments with ourselves.

Maybe we rationalize that this person who always leaves us feeling drained is "going through hard times," and that he/she is justified in complaining about every single thing in their life. But if we dig a little deeper, we may be able to realize that this person has been "going through hard times" for 15 years, and we're just "in the habit" of putting up with their negative energy. Remember, someone who is constantly complaining about how bad they feel, or how hard their life is is... indirectly... "demanding" our empathy, and thereby tends to drain our energies.

When looking at our friendships and relationships, it also bears mentioning that even though we may have this idea that "HSPs are nice people," many HSPs can be "energy drainers" as well.

It's one thing to be "highly sensitive," but there are also people out there-- HSPs-- who could more appropriately be described as "highly touchy people." We tend to "cut them a lot of slack" because they are HSPs like ourselves, yet we also find ourselves feeling drained after being around them. Typically, we spend our time with them feeling like we're having to "walk on eggshells," and nothing we ever say seems to be "exactly right." Often, they seem to have very specific agendas for the "right" and "wrong" in their lives... right down to often "scripting" they howwant and need us to respond to their situations. The way we feel almost "forced" to respond in a particular way-- and NOT our "natural" way-- actually comes close to being a subtle form of bullying or emotional abuse.

Be very wary of language like "If you really cared, you'd find a way to change your schedule to have lunch with me."

People who engage in such behavior-- in spite of their possible insistences that they "want things to get better-- are often actually getting their needs served by remaining stuck; able to bully and manipulate others into validating their stuckness, and thereby avoiding the painful issues they need to address before they have any hope of moving on.

As HSPs, we sometimes need to pause and "take inventory" of the people in our lives. Sometimes this can be difficult, challenging and unpleasant, because we occasionally find ourselves face-to-face with the reality that the biggest drains of negative energy is someone very close to us, like a spouse or immediate family member. However, what ultimately helps us feel more alive and capable with our sensitivities is to direct our attention and energy onlt towards those things and people who GIVE us positive energy, while minimizing and/or avoiding those people or things that DRAIN us, with their negative energies.

===============================Talk Back! When is the last time you took "inventory" of the people in your life? Are you aware of who is a "positive energy giver" and who is a "negative energy taker?" Are you aware of how each kind of person makes you feel? Are there people in your life you know are "energy sinks," but you have been avoiding facing the challenge of ending the relationship? How do you think you would feel, withOUT that person in your life? What, in particular, is holding you back, from addressing the situation? Leave a comment!

1 comment:

Someone recently indirectly cut me out of their life due partially to me being perceived as a negative energy drainer (although those words werern't used). It was very hurtful to be on the receiving end of that. However after months of feeling hurt and angry, I have finally forgiven that person and moved past it. When I finally (inwardly) took responsibility for my actions, I have become filled with much more positive energy. Strange how life is!

The HSP Notes Bookstore is now open! 100's of books (and HSP friendly products) individually chosen for their “HSP Relevance,” all recommended by HSPs, for HSPs. Click on the "HSP Bookstore" tab (above) to see what's on offer!

Welcome to HSP Notes!

I am a Highly Sensitive Person. I have always known this, but I discovered there was a "name" for it in 1997, and have spent the ensuing years learning all I can about the innate aspects of the trait, about myself, and what it means in my life. Although relatively few people are aware of it, as many as 15%-20% of the population are HSPs. Unfortunately, "being sensitive" carries some incorrect negative connotations and cultural biases that often lead sensitive people to "misdiagnose" themselves, or hide their true nature.

This site is much more than just "a blog;" since 2002 it has offered a conglomeration of articles, personal stories, HSP community news, as well as an HSP Bookstore, information resources for HSPs, whether you've just discovered that "Hey! This is ME!" or have been exploring the meaning of "being sensitive" for a long time. Welcome, and thank you for your interest!

Follow me on twitter!

Keep up with HSP Notes!

My Art: Support HSP Creativity!

Follow me on Google+!

Subscribe To HSP Notes!

Explore the Archives

Published since 2002, "HSP Notes" is one of the oldest HSP-specific blogs on the Internet. The archive of older posts covers an extensive range of topics and issues I have come across, in the course of learning about what it means to be an HSP.

A must read!

HSPs & Work

Learning About the HSP Trait

Having had the privilege of meeting 100s of fellow HSPs in person, and 1000s in cyberspace, I have learned that the single most important difference between those who feel like they are suffering with their sensitivity, and those who are thriving, is information and knowledge. The more you know and understand, the more you can work with your sensitivity as a gift, rather than experiencing it as a burden.

The links in the first section below are to some of the most significant informational HSP sites on the web. The second set of links are to therapists and life coaches who have a thorough understanding of the trait-- most of them I know personally, and they generally accept phone/email/online chat sessions. The third links section includes web sites I believe to be "of general interest" to HSPs, based on the common interests highly sensitive people have shared with me, over the years.

HSP Bookstore: Recommended HSP Reading

The Importance of Connecting

Another extremely important way for an HSP to find inner peace is "connection." This may sound counterintuitive to those who are introverts, reclusive and feel easily overstimulated by people. However, nobody understands what it is like to be a highly sensitive person like another highly sensitive person. Hence it is very important for HSPs to connect with fellow HSPs.

The links in this section are to sites that offer various ways for HSPs to connect with each other, from web-based discussion groups and forums, to HSP workshops, gatherings and retreats.