Small | Wing Bowl 21: A love letter to drunkenness and debauchery

By the time we pulled into the Wells Fargo Center parking lot at 5 a.m., I was approximately seven shots deep.

Being selected as the designated drunk columnist for Wing Bowl 21 brought with it a set of guidelines and restrictions. I had to get as hammered at possible, in the wee hours of the morning, without appearing too intoxicated to do my job.

After receiving my press pass — which basically acted as a de facto master key, letting us wander anywhere — I snuck over to a tailgate party to steal a couple of beers from my friends before re-entering the building to take my spot.

If you’ve been to any other event at the Wells Fargo Center, it’s quite a shock to see what goes up on the big screen at Wing Bowl. The cameramen seem to do whatever they can to avoid making it family friendly, panning from scantily clad women, to drunk fans screaming at them to take off their clothes and then back to the women, who receive a shower of boos if they don’t oblige.

All of this happens as three tons of buffalo sauce-smeared eaters try to chew their way to $20,000, and I’m using the loosest possible definition of “chew.”

It represents almost everything that’s wrong with this country — and that’s what makes it so much fun.

It’s a spectacle, like the Super Bowl with more testosterone. The eaters parade around the floor on floats before the event with their own sets of “cheerleader” — read: stripper — groupies and their own odds to win, ranging from 3-2 to infinity-1 (seriously).

One competitor was even given 2-1 odds to vomit.

I stood in the press area in the middle of the floor, right in front of the contest. Directly behind me were enthusiastic fans with “VIP” tags, many of whom were there to cheer on their friends and family.

“He’s one of my best friends’ dads, and he’s got the wherewithal to win this,” Brendan Plunkett said of Gerry “Iceman” Spearing. “He’s a rookie, but he’s going to take it to the house.”

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There is so much about the Wing Bowl that is just wrong. In a world of gender equality and anti-chauvinism, dieters and health nuts and a more profound desire to feed the hungry, it seems largely out of place. Although much of its proceeds go to charity, it blatantly celebrates misogyny and gluttony — and alcoholism.

As a less-than-sober individual myself, I couldn’t resist.

SPENCERSMALL is a senior science, technology and society major from Lancaster, Pa. He can be reached at dpsports@theDP.com.