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Friday, April 06, 2007

Incompetence in the workplace.

Let me first preface this entry be saying: For those of you who read my blog and (have) work(ed) with me, please don't think this entry pertains to you. If you finish reading this blog and STILL think this entry pertains to you, it probably does.

In my line of work (troubled youth), one of the biggest keys to success on a daily basis is consistency. Within the first 0-3 months, you learn this firsthand. Usually because you've made a mistake or bad judgement call or the like. For the record, everyone in my line of work makes mistakes, including (believe it or not), me. Occasionally. Actually, on a scale of 1-10; 1 being (insert tired George Bush joke here) and 10 being Jesus, I'm about a 9.87. Awesome, but not quite my Saviour.

With that said, there are certain parameters put in place to ensure that, for the most part, staff maintain a consistent environment for youth who crumble in chaos. For example, we have what is called the Policy Manual in which basic policies for handling youth are outlined in point form so even 'I Am Sam' could understand them. Also, every two weeks, our team gets together to discuss the youth (how they've been behaving, new treatment plans/goals). During these Team Meetings, we often discuss and make agreements as to how we are going to deal with certain youth. For example; whether or not a youth can take the bus to school or whether or not a youth needs to be kept close for a period of time due to various safety concerns.

What bothers me the most is when I come into my set of shifts and kids immediately begin asking me if they can do special things (visit friends/go to the library). Normally, the answer to these questions is based on a number of variables; How has the youth's behaviour been? Can the youth be trusted in the community? How often has the youth gone on these "individual activities" in the last few weeks? However, while I was gone, weaker staff, more interested in getting the youth out of the house or appeasing the youth so they don't have to deal with any issues, have been allowing youth to do these kinds of activities regardless of their behaviour or of prior guidelines set previously in a Team Meeting. So, when I tell a youth they can't go to the library, it immediately becomes an issue and an argument that I have to deal with, trying to explain to the youth how their behaviours in the unit affect real life. When they respond with "well Crappy McStafferstein lets me do this all the time", you have no real leverage anymore and you become the bad guy establishing a conflictual relationship with the youth.

If you are this type of person (whether it be in my line of work or anyone's line of work), SCREW OFF, ASS. Everyone but you knows you blow at your job. If you no longer work with me, good riddance, douche bag.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Cobain is dead. GET OVER IT.

If I hear one more snivelling, long-haired hippie/angst-filled teenager/poorly rated media component talk or gripe about Kurt Cobain's meaningful life or his prophetic music, I might just kill myself. And not the way most people commit S, either. I might just go one step further, overdose on drugs, then blow my head off with a shotgun...oh wait...I think someone already did that...

"But Lbomb, he was an incredible martyr/songwriter. He hated the establishment of music and when his band got too big, he didn't want to take the pressure anymore. Not to mention, he basically invented grunge music and modern rock".

Shut up; You're stupid. First of all, I admit that Nirvana was a good band. In the "anyone with 5 fingers and an acoustic guitar" sense of the word. But do you know which band played good music AND didn't write it with a 2-year-old playing guitar? Soundgarden. That's who.

Kurt Cobain didn't kill himself because he was anti-establishment. He killed himself because he knew if he didn't, people would very soon figure out what an incredible fraud he was. If you play guitar, think of the first 10 songs you learned. If at least 3 of them weren't Nirvana, I will personally call in sick to work.

And what about his lyrics? ~What else can I say? Everybody's gay~? No, just you, Kurt. You're gay. Why else would you have spraypainted "HOMOSEX RULES" on a wall in Washington?

Seriously, if you're going to idolize a drug fiend, make it someone respectable. Like Chris Farley. He was awesome in that SNL skit with Patrick Swayze. Don't pretend you have no idea what I'm talking about, either.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

'The Juice' is my hero.

Here is what I KNOW about O.J. Simpson:1) He played professional football.2) He killed Ron and Nicole (allegedly).3) He is NOT in jail.4) He WROTE A BOOK about NOT killing Ron and Nicole.5) He has the greatest nickname EVER ('The Juice').6) He has the worst REAL name ever (Orenthal).

But on a serious note, you have to respect The Juice. Dude BRUTALLY MURDERS (allegedly) his ex-wife and her 'friend' and gets away with it. He is NOT serving jail time. That, on its own, is respectable. However, there is more. After dude brutally murders (allegedly) these two people, he waits a few years then WRITES A BOOK ABOUT IT!! I mean HOLY CRAP!! The guy is a legend! I'll tell you right now; if you kill two people (allegedly), get off scott-free then stand to make MILLIONS of dollars because of it years later, you have my respect. And my third-born. If it's a girl or hermaphrodite.

Let's even pretend that The Juice DIDN'T kill Ron and Nicole. Even then, writing a book about it is gutsy. But he DID (allegedly) kill them. He DID (allegedly).

And the awesome doesn't stop there; he has the GREATEST NICKNAME OF ALL TIME. The Juice. You can't say those two words and not feel pumped. The Juice. I'm shooting Cocaine. Dude IS The Juice. I'm lifting weights/making a sandwich. I dare you to find a better nickname than The Juice. And don't say 'The Game' because 'The Game' is just a cheap knockoff of The Juice. And don't say Lbomb. Flattery will get you nowhere. This time.

The Juice. I just gave myself a charlie-horse. In the balls.

Guns don't kill people and neither does Chuck Norris. The Juice kills people (allegedly).

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Dancing movies blow.

I sucked it up when they tossed out "Save the Last Dance". I even managed to swallow my bile when they shattered my testicles with "Bring It On" and "Drumline". But this has got to stop. Now. People need to discontinue going to movies with people dancing in them. Don't get me wrong, a movie with a (1) dance here or there is swallowable, but when an ENTIRE MOVIE is devoted to dancing? Please.

The worst part about this is that they're ALL THE SAME and they're swarming theatres like flies. You want to know what happens in the next movie involving dancing?? Ok, but let me warn you; the following contains spoilers...

- Protagonist likes some form of dancing (usually, but not limited to, Hip-Hop).- Protagonist is pretty good at dancing. - Protagonist meets someone of the opposite sex in whom they are interested.- Protagonist meets Antagonist who is better at dancing.- Protagonist has "dance-off" with Antagonist and loses.- Protagonist does something to make his/her friends/posse angry at him/her.- Protagonist is "down in the dumps" until person of the opposite sex gives him/her a pep talk.- Protagonist practises very hard at dancing.- Protagonist has "dance-off" with Antagonist and wins.- Protagonist kisses/bones person of the opposite sex and gets his/her friends/posse back.

You cannot point out any significant difference in any of the following movies: Save the Last Dance, Honey, You Got Served, Roll Bounce, Step Up, Take the Lead, Stomp the Yard. I am even going out on a limb because I have never seen Step Up or Stomp the Yard but I still guarantee there are no differences. And don't say idiotic things like:

"But Lbomb, Roll Bounce has roller skates, not dancers" or "Step up has a white guy instead of a black guy". If you do, you're a moron, so don't waste my time.

I've never resorted to this before, but the situation is so dire, I feel I have no choice...PLEASE STOP GOING TO MOVIES ABOUT DANCING. If you refuse to listen to me, people WILL continue making them. You've been fairly warned.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Cassie Madden

Cassie Campbell is the John Madden of NHL broadcasting. Except, somehow, worse. For YEARS people have been making fun of the obvious color commentary that Madden provides. I think Brian Regan put it best when he said:

"Al Michaels - To the 20, to the 10, there's a flag on the play...

John Madden - Now if-a if-a if-a there's a flag on the play, there's gonna be a penalty. If a guy runs, he goes faster. If a guy eats alot, he takes a big dump later. Tough actin' Tanactin."

Ok, maybe you didn't get that. In fact, GUARANTEED you didn't get that if you aren't a sports fan. But all of this is irrelevant. As bad as John Madden is, Cassie Campbell (the captain of the Canadian Olympic Womens Hockey team) is far worse.

CBC tried it's luck with her right there in the broadcasting booth doing color commentary. The thing is, she's an idiot. Even if you have never watched hockey in your entire life, you could do a better commentary than she did. The type of garbage that came out of her mouth were things like this:

"Great pass through the neutral zone" or "The new NHL sure has alot of scoring" or "Phaneuf has a nice ass".

So CBC fired her. Or so I thought. I caught her on HNIC (Hockey Night In Canada) this last weekend when my beloved Canadiens beat the Prostitutes...I mean Leafs, in a shootout. She wasn't doing color commentary. She was, instead, doing rinkside commentary. Once again, she ceased to amaze me with her awful.

CBC, if Ron McLean sucked at his job or if Don Cherry didn't bring in the viewers every week, would you keep them on the payroll? No. So why do you continue to embarrass yourself with clips of Cassie Campbell stating the obvious? To gain female viewers? Guess what. Wrong demographic.

Cassie Campbell makes me almost as sick as Hayley Wickenheiser and her Hamburger Helper commercials.

This will be the last post I ever do about a woman sucking at a man's job. NOT.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Subaru is going out of business.

In case you haven't heard the rumors (initiated by myself), let me let you in on a little secret. Don't buy a Subaru. They're going out of business. Sure they still have commercials, cars, sales lots and everything else you need to make it LOOK like a company still prospers, but do NOT let the facade fool you.

'But Lbomb', you might say. 'If Subaru is going out of business, how is it possible that they can still afford to have commercials on TV, cars on their lots and everything else you might need to make it look like a company still prospers?'.

Don't worry, folks. I've got the answers you're looking for. Yes, Subaru still has all the aforementioned necessities, but what it's cutbacks are consuming is its personel. Subaru no longer has money to pay people to actually WRITE their commercials, so they let mentally handicapped people do it instead. For much cheaper, nonetheless. In fact, a good source (my fabricative intellect) has told me that Subaru pays their handicapped staff the equivalent of what a child is paid for 14 hours a day sewing Nike socks in the Philippines.

Now you might say 'But Lbomb, you make ridiculous things up all of the time that aren't true. What makes you think you can fool us into thinking what you're saying NOW is true?'.

My answer to you is 'Shut the hell up'.

But to those of you who are legitimately curious, let me give proof.

In Subaru's recent commercial they claim that they believe symmetrical all-wheel drive is as important as the following 3 things:

1. Brakes - No. F. If a car didn't have brakes, people would die. This is NOT the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time someone was careening off a cliff and said "sure wish I took that symmetrical all-wheel drive the salesman was talking about."? Never.

2. Steering wheel - No. You make me want to commit S. If a car didn't have a steering wheel, people would die. Not the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time someone was streaking towards an on-coming Semi and yelled "Where is that symmetrical all-wheel drive when you need it?"? It's never happened.

3. Engine - No. You're obviously retarded. If a car didn't have an engine IT WOULDN'T START. Once again, not the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time you couldn't start you car and screamed "GD symmetrical all-wheel drive!!!!"? You may have said this. If you were retarded.

You'd have never invested in Enron had you known it was a bust, so why invest in Subaru?

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

WFHL

As I've said for years now, if there was a legitimate competitive league for floor hockey (FH), I would be in it. I would have at least made it to the WHL. For years I've been dominating floor hockey all over Saskatchewan. I know this post is a little on the late side, but I don't care. I simply need to express how awesome I am at floor hockey.

Now, I would first like to say that in no way am I good at real ice-hockey. Not that I don't have the skills to be successful, only that I suck hard at skating. If I could skate well, I would tear ice-hockey up.

Now back to FH. I have been inactive from FH for approximately 3 years now. I used to play 2-3 times a week when I lived in the "Sunshine Capital" but I no longer live in the "Sunshine Capital" and no longer work an accomodating schedule. To appreciate my former FH prowess, come with me on a journey filled with excitement and intrigue...

While playing FH in the "Sunshine Capital", 2FNLO and I came to a mutual hatred of "Leafs Goalie". He would come to FH inconsistenly then play goal (2FNLO's position) poorly. One day he thought it might be a good idea to oust 2FNLO from his coveted goaltender position. I told 2FNLO that I would score on Leafs Goalie so many times that he would become so embarrassed he would leave the gym therefore opening a spot for 2FNLO to play goalie. In a matter of 30 minutes I scored on Leafs Goalie so many times that he smashed his goalie stick into the floor of the gym, shattering it upon contact, then storming off NEVER TO BE SEEN AT FH AGAIN. 2FNLO will verify this story.

Recently, I had another chance to prove how amazing at FH I am. A group of guys were getting together to play FH one night and I began hyping myself up to Burnsy. I claimed that I was awesome at FH and that I would dominate. Burnsy was incredulous seeing as I blow at ice hockey due to my ineptitude at skating. I ensured Burnsy that I was awesome.

That night I scored 12 goals. Not to mention assists or shootout goals (of which I was the only player there to make good on both my attempts). I absolutely TROUNCED any competition in both the goals and the points columns. I dominated.