You get the idea. My replacement dog brain program is about sixty lines of code, detailing all the thinking I have ever seen my dog do, plus some things I thought were really funny. What I need now is an engineer, a veterinarian, and a plumber, but the search is becoming frustrating. I even sat down last night with my dog and got out my ratchet set, screwdrivers, chisels, sponges and some neat old scrapped computer parts, and then I realised that I don't know what I'm doing. My dog seemed relieved when I untied him. Strange - that's another cause/effect routine I forgot to include in my program.

Before anyone gets angry with me, I want to point out that I love my dog, and I have saved his life on numerous occasions, including that time he was about to prance joyfully over to an angry rattlesnake and say hello, and that other time that he threw up what I think were Cheetoes in my Uncle Roscoe's brand new Cadillac, despite the fact that he was just peeking in the door and wasn't actually inside the car.

I can write code. I can write a function called "wagTail". I know what happens when my dog wags his tail. My dog may be dimly aware on some primitive level that he has a tail. But I lose the thread of intuition when I attempt to tell a computer how to wag its tail. Maybe they'll cover that sort of thing in my next programming class.

So I am left with my problems. This experiment could be a wonderful boon to entire generations of dogs and dog owners, and, if everything goes right, you won't notice any difference except maybe the dog will no longer drink antifreeze or pick fights with the enormous Boxer next door that ate that Rubbermaid trash can last spring. So let's hear it - I know there are some properly skilled technicians out there! I'm talking about the future of the canine race here! How the hell do I get my computer program into a walnut-sized space? Do I need RCA cables to plug the rest of his body in? Help me!