Some people like to know that, when they land at their destination, there will be someone else there waiting for them. Thankfully, more than a few websites exist to increase your chances of finding a travel companion. If you look through the listings though, you’ll find that very few of them receive responses.

Here are a couple tips to ensure that your listing will likewise go unanswered.

That huge faceless guidebook monolith called Lonely Planet is the reason that your favorite once-deserted beach is now crawling with grubby backpackers. Plus, their hotel information was outdated that one time, and they also sent you to a mediocre restaurant a couple years ago.

To get back at them, avoid the hundreds of people who browse their Travel Companions forum, and instead keep your “street cred” by using a more “indie” site with only a fraction of the traffic.

Also steer clear of Bootsnall’s Travel Buddies forum. With all the traffic there, it probably sucks too.

2. Compose your listing like it’s a personal ad.

Be sure to specify that you’re looking to travel with a member of the opposite sex only. And ask for a picture. You don’t want to end up traveling with some uggo, do you?

Guys, remember: anonymous travel forums are where most pretty girls go to find relationships. Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Come up with a nickname that shows you’re a really cool guy– something like “JCrewTravelDude.” If possible, use a handsome font. Girls are impressed by this.

3. USE ALL CAPITALS. PEOPLE LOVE READING ALL CAPITALS.

WHEN YOU TYPE LIKE THIS, people notice. So go ahead, press that Caps Lock key and let ‘er rip. Not only do capital letters get people’s attention, they make you appear completely normal and not at all like some freak who stopped taking his medication.

4. Be incredibly vague about where you’re going and when.

Ads like “I’m up for anything, whenever,” are almost guaranteed to work just perfectly. Don’t list anything about where you’d like to go, or when you might be leaving. People will be falling all over each other to come up with your travel itinerary.

5. Indicate that, no matter what happens, the two of you will be spending all your time together.

Remember: the two of you are going to be a team, and teams stick together. Make it clear that under no circumstances will you two separate. You’re traveling companions for the whole trip, come hell or high water. This does not reek of desperation or newborn-baby-like dependence.

Follow these tips, and I guarantee you’ll end up just like that pathetic-looking loser in the photo above.