Wednesday, March 28, 2012

During deployment, moms gotta prioritize

So I think I really scared off a mom at my daughter's preschool the other day. Several of us moms were letting the kids play on the playground after picking them up at their classrooms, and one of the moms was telling us about how her husband had just deployed for 6-7 months. And she'd just had her second baby a few months before. I've been there many times, so I knew exactly how she was feeling, and exactly what she had ahead of her.

Another mom sitting with us asked me if I have family nearby. I said, "Nope." Her eyes widened . She asked how I do it. I talked about having a couple other Navy spouse friends to call in an emergency. I said that I learned to let go of a lot of things, I accepted that I can't keep up with housework. I teach my kids to be independant.

And there was something else I wanted to say, but I hesitated. I didn't want to be judged, I didn't want them to think I'm crazy. But looking at this young mom, with two little ones, and many months ahead . . . I decided to go out on a limb and say it.

I told them that I learned to prioritize wisely, and that my number one priority during deployment is "Don't beat the kids."

I tried to be flip, and say it kind of jokingly. But I think I scared them anyway.

And now by posting this, I may have scared off a couple of the handful of friends who read my blog.

But I say this because it is true. I say this because a few months ago a friend of mine posted a link to a news story about an abused child with the comment, "What kind of person would hurt a child?"

And it seems too many of us think child abusers are crazy monsters who should never be trusted with children, who are belligerent and neglectful and either have addictions or severe mental disorders.

And yes, there are some ghastly tragic and evil stories in the news.

But a good amount of very sad abuse happens when parents who are at the end of their rope lose their cool and can't control their anger.

I love my kids, and I aim to be calm and respectful in how I teach them discipline.

But when I am exhausted and out of patience, have 6 urgent demand for my attention, and a messy house, and they are yelling and acting out, I can lose my cool. I can be a mean mommy. I can get pretty cranky.

So I decided to purposely eliminate most of those other demands on my time and attention. Housework, potty training, cooking, hairbrushing, even matching socks--they all take a back seat. I closed my internet business, I quit taking freelance editing jobs, and I stopped volunteering to run spouse clubs, or teach catechism. For awhile, at least.

Because all those demands add stress, steal my sleep, put pressure on, and in those heated moments when screaming kids are melting down, I can meltdown, too.

I pared down my priorities, so that I have enough energy, patience, and sanity to say to myself, "Do not beat the kids. Don't spank them. Don't scream. Lower your voice, and tell them to lower theirs."

I try to remember to talk to them like I love them, even when I am furious. I force myself to give them a hug, or a soft hand on their back, and tell them I care about their feelings, even when they are wailing over enforced consequences, or sulking and glaring at me.

I wish I knew how to stay calm and patient in the face of tantrums and STILL care about dishes and laundry, mopping and vacuuming, cooking a healthy meal instead of ordering pizza or opening soup cans. I do more of those things when my husband is home to share some of the parenting load.

But during deployment, I keep my eyes on the prize. Keep calm and carry on. Eat some chocolate after they go to bed.

I just wanted that mom to think about her priorities. And know that it's okay if she has to clear off her plate a bit and focus on number one.

Comments

During deployment, moms gotta prioritize

So I think I really scared off a mom at my daughter's preschool the other day. Several of us moms were letting the kids play on the playground after picking them up at their classrooms, and one of the moms was telling us about how her husband had just deployed for 6-7 months. And she'd just had her second baby a few months before. I've been there many times, so I knew exactly how she was feeling, and exactly what she had ahead of her.

Another mom sitting with us asked me if I have family nearby. I said, "Nope." Her eyes widened . She asked how I do it. I talked about having a couple other Navy spouse friends to call in an emergency. I said that I learned to let go of a lot of things, I accepted that I can't keep up with housework. I teach my kids to be independant.

And there was something else I wanted to say, but I hesitated. I didn't want to be judged, I didn't want them to think I'm crazy. But looking at this young mom, with two little ones, and many months ahead . . . I decided to go out on a limb and say it.

I told them that I learned to prioritize wisely, and that my number one priority during deployment is "Don't beat the kids."

I tried to be flip, and say it kind of jokingly. But I think I scared them anyway.

And now by posting this, I may have scared off a couple of the handful of friends who read my blog.

But I say this because it is true. I say this because a few months ago a friend of mine posted a link to a news story about an abused child with the comment, "What kind of person would hurt a child?"

And it seems too many of us think child abusers are crazy monsters who should never be trusted with children, who are belligerent and neglectful and either have addictions or severe mental disorders.

And yes, there are some ghastly tragic and evil stories in the news.

But a good amount of very sad abuse happens when parents who are at the end of their rope lose their cool and can't control their anger.

I love my kids, and I aim to be calm and respectful in how I teach them discipline.

But when I am exhausted and out of patience, have 6 urgent demand for my attention, and a messy house, and they are yelling and acting out, I can lose my cool. I can be a mean mommy. I can get pretty cranky.

So I decided to purposely eliminate most of those other demands on my time and attention. Housework, potty training, cooking, hairbrushing, even matching socks--they all take a back seat. I closed my internet business, I quit taking freelance editing jobs, and I stopped volunteering to run spouse clubs, or teach catechism. For awhile, at least.

Because all those demands add stress, steal my sleep, put pressure on, and in those heated moments when screaming kids are melting down, I can meltdown, too.

I pared down my priorities, so that I have enough energy, patience, and sanity to say to myself, "Do not beat the kids. Don't spank them. Don't scream. Lower your voice, and tell them to lower theirs."

I try to remember to talk to them like I love them, even when I am furious. I force myself to give them a hug, or a soft hand on their back, and tell them I care about their feelings, even when they are wailing over enforced consequences, or sulking and glaring at me.

I wish I knew how to stay calm and patient in the face of tantrums and STILL care about dishes and laundry, mopping and vacuuming, cooking a healthy meal instead of ordering pizza or opening soup cans. I do more of those things when my husband is home to share some of the parenting load.

But during deployment, I keep my eyes on the prize. Keep calm and carry on. Eat some chocolate after they go to bed.

I just wanted that mom to think about her priorities. And know that it's okay if she has to clear off her plate a bit and focus on number one.