Friday, May 31, 2013

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Remember when elaborate blinky lights were the hottest thing on Kickstarter? Yes, for awhile there it seemed as though every would-be inventor was marketing some sort of sleek metal flashing suppository. Times change, however, and now everybody's moved on to retractable filth prophylactics. First there was the Plume, which used cutting-edge slap bracelet technology. (To say nothing of the integrated slap bracelet/light.) Now, there's Musguard, which despite the name is not actually a sprayable moose repellent:

Here's how it works. First, you wake up and drink a fuckload of coffee:

Then, you get on your fixie and start skidding around Vilnius or wherever:

Then, because you drank all that coffee without waiting to go to the bathroom, you soil yourself while straining to lock up your rear wheel:

Of course, soiling yourself in public is a traumatic experience, which is why the inventor then fills an entire room with schematics and prototypes for what is essentially just a big long stick:

After which he just says, "Fuck it, I'll wear a hazmat suit instead:"

But while the hazmat suit is far more effective than a filth prophylactic when it comes to protecting you from debris, it really doesn't solve the whole soiling yourself problem. So now he and his hair want you to invest in a non-edible Fruit Roll-Up:

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a triathlete doing what they do best.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and avoid altercations with bears.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

(A team of medical experts works to remove Bradley Wiggins's unfortunate shoulder tattoo.)

1) Bradley Wiggins will not defend his Tour de France title this season due to a:

Protesting with Semi-Nude Drawing Classes...wow, now THAT'S an agent for change! Didn't the Vietnam War end because the nationwide Semi-Nude Drawing Classes of Protest drove the Nixon Administration to it's knees? Those Citi-Bike stations are dooooooooomed!

Doomed like the concept of the Frozen Toaster Twat Waffle. If I can get some Kickfarter funding going, just maybe...but Amer-ka may not be redy for it yet.

Speaking of soiling one's self, it's official...I cannot pedal a bike and cut a fart at the same time.I tried again yesterday and clinched up and about blew the nose off my right cleat. I really would like to master the Pedal Fart. I realize I can just freewheel and crop dust, but it's just not Pro(tm) enough for my tastes.CROP DUST

I love YouTube's frame-by-frame preview feature - just skim through the triathlete video until you see the horizon stop being horizontal. (Since we all know what triathletes are good at, and really only want to see that part (Which for some reason needs to be preceded by a full minute-and-a-half of boring (Which maybe they thought was "spare" and "economical" compared to the 60 minutes of riding they were GONNA bore us with)(or maybe it's just a defensive message to the world, to remind us that "yeah sure crashes are fun to watch, but don't forget that for every 5 seconds I spend crashing, I spend a full minute-and-a-half riding successfully" (which would fit nicely with the defensive vibe created by making sure to blame the crash on tire pressure instead of "pilot error" (as we know it is

Male or female, if your 40th birthday is well in the rear-view mirror, you already leak pee on yourself all of the time anyways, but the concept of purposefully pissing all over my carefully-curated bike is more than I can bear.

That's just disgusting. Does urea delaminate carbon fiber?

Do they recommend pissing all over your partner as a training method to lose your shyness about it?

Every time you go to overtake another triathlete and they hit a bump, are you showered in newly-dislodged piss that was up til then clinging to their bike?

"I always told myself that pissing on yourself is for winners and fast guys."

EXACTLY, which is why Warren Buffet always stakes out a corner in the board room and pisses on it. After a hostile takeover, he drops a big deuce on the board table. I read this in Cigar Affectionado, so its true.

Without BuySomething magazine, I never would have figured out to point it DOWN when urinating.

Pissing on the bike, I always knew there was something rather infantile about triathletes. Reminds me of my bike shop days. We had a large contingent of trigeek customers who brought their bikes in for every little problem. (one guy just couldn't bring himself to learn to change flats, so he'd ride the rims home then bring the bike in to fix the flat AND get a new rim installed) Anyway, Powerbars were the race nutrition of choice at the time and the trigeeks stored them out of the package and molded to the top tube. Looked like a big thick skidmark.

Yuck. I have a hard enough time peeing in a wetsuit. And I'm sorry, but most cyclists smell bad enough when they get off the bike without that thrown into the mix.

Is this some sort of weird pre-requisite to being a pro racer?

Um, and Hello??! Naked protests? That is a brilliant idea. Can we please enact a law which makes it illegal to hold a public protest without nudity? That would make all sorts of civil unrest much more entertaining.

Comment deleted:That's bizarre. I think they are very funny. Both the intentionally funny type like Bikesnob and Larry David, as well as the Hasids.

I think part of the problem here, is that some people think "jew" or "jewish" is inherently perjorative. THAT'S RACIST! I am using those words descriptively. Any insult you are imagining is projected from your own prejudices, not mine. I like rye bread AND biting sarcasm; and am missing both in the homogenous PNW.

CJ, unless your'e an anthropologist, your comments might be sarcastic...hilarious even. But you emote a certain ignorance based on a western societal bias. Basically, your kind is "normal" and everyone else is "ethnic". The reality, of course, is that we are all ethnic. We are all descended from the same ancestors. Indeed, we are brothers and sisters. But you can't bring yourself to accept that when you see someone totally unlike you.

I like the Musguard. I won't buy one even if it's free because I only ride when the weather is above 70 degrees and not rainy. But it's cool. (Until it's outrageously overpriced - then it's just hipsterish.)I'm like the SoHo Citibike protester in that I won't go outside in the rain. She's willing to die, but only if the weather is nice?!

So I bought a boat. And as we are cruising around Ky Lake today I see a MTB trail off a dock in LBL. So I think...put the MTBs in the boat, ease over to the trail, tie her off, ride the 10 mile loop, get really hot, then ease off and go for a dip. Genius.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!