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Brangelina’s Custody Battle: Can We Not?

In the weeks since the earth-shattering news of Brad and Angelina’s divorce, every other day there’s been a new story about the latest development in what is supposedly a super intense custody battle over their six children. We’ve all heard that the FBI is involved, which doesn’t make a lot of sense because the FBI is supposed to be like solving crimes or whatever, but apparently Brad is such an awful dad that they were necessary.

Basically, no one has any fucking idea what’s happening. Custody battles are always rough, like that time when Renee couldn’t sleep over in seventh grade because it was her dad’s weekend and he had already made plans for them to go fucking fishing. Fishing!! We won’t know for a while what’s happening with these kids, and tbh we probably won’t ever know all the details even after the battle is over.

We’re not asking anyone not to gossip or talk shit, because that’s literally our whole life, but oh my god shut up about the custody battle!! Let’s give Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Knox, and Vivienne some privacy and go about our own shitty lives for one second.

Just one thing: Angelina, we know you’re kind of psycho, but can you please adopt me and take me to France until Trump is out of office?