Stan

(Chorus x2)
My tea's gone cold
I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all!
And even if I could, it'd all be grey
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad
It's not so bad...

Dear Slim,
I wrote to you, but you still ain't calling!
I left my cell, my pager and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in Autumn
You must not have got them
It probably was a problem at the post office or something
And sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em
But anyways, fuck it, what's been up, man?
How's your daughter?
My girlfriend's pregnant, too
I'm about to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I'm going to call her?
I'm going to name her Bonnie!
I read about your Uncle Ronnie, too, and I'm sorry
I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him!
I know you probably hear this every day, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got the underground shit that you did with Scam
I've got a room full of your posters and your pictures, man!
I like the shit you did with Ruckus, too
That shit was fat
Anyways, I hope you get this, man!
Hit me back, just to chat
Truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stan

(Chorus)

Dear Slim,
You still ain't called or wrote
I hope you have the chance!
I ain't mad
I just think it's fucked up that you don't answer fans
If you didn't want to talk to me outside the concert
You didn't have to
But you could have signed an autograph for Matthew!
That's my little brother, man; he's only six years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you for four hours
And you just said no!
That's pretty shitty, man; you're like his fucking idol!
He wants to be just like you, man; he likes you more than I do!
I ain't that mad, though; I just don't like being lied to.
Remember when we met in Denver?
You said if I write to you, you would write back!
See, I'm just like you in a way; I never knew my father, neither
He used to always cheat on my mom and beat her
I can relate to what you're saying in your songs
So when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put them on
Because I don't really got shit else
So that shit helps when I'm depressed.
I even got a tattoo with your name across the chest!
Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds!
It's like adrenaline; the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See, everything you say is real
And I respect you 'cause you tell it
My girlfriend's jealous because I talk about you 24/7
But she don't know you like I know you, Slim
No-one does!
She don't know what it was like for people like us growing up!
You've got to call me, man
Or I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Stan.
P.S. We should be together, too!

(Chorus)

Dear Mister I'm Too Good To Call Or Write My Fans
This'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word!
I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters
I wrote the addresses on them perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you
I hope you hear it!
I'm in the car right now; I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey, Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka.
Do you dare me to drive?
You know that song by Phil Collins, "In the air of the night"
About that guy who could have saved that other guy from drowning
But didn't; then Phil saw it all, then at his show he found him?
That's kind of how this is
You could have rescued me from drowning!
Now it's too late
I'm on a thousand downers now, and I'm drowsy
And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call...
I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall!
I loved you, Slim; we could have been together!
Think about it! You've ruined it now
I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream
I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it!
I hope your conscience eats at you
And you can't breathe without me!!
See, Slim... Shut up, bitch! I'm trying to talk!
Hey, Slim, that's my girlfriend screaming in the trunk!
But I didn't slit her throat; I just tied her up.
See, I ain't like you
'Cause if she suffocates, she'll suffer more
And then she'll die, too
Well, got to go, I'm almost at the bridge now!
Oh, shit!!! I forgot!!!
How am I supposed to send this shit out?

(Chorus)

Dear Stan,
I meant to write to you sooner, but I've just been busy.
You said your girlfriend's pregnant now
How far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that;
And here's an autograph for your brother
I wrote it on your starter cap
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show
I must have missed you
Don't think I did that shit intentionally, just to diss you!
And what's this shit you said
About you like to cut your wrists, too?
I say that shit just clowning Dogg;
Come on, how fucked up is you?
You've got some issues, Stan
I think you need some counseling
To help your ass from bouncing off the walls
When you get down some
And what's this shit about us meant to be together?
That type of shit'll make me not want us to meet each other!
I really think you and your girlfriend need each other
Or maybe you just need to treat her better.
I hope you get to read this letter
I just hope it reaches you in time
Before you hurt yourself!
I think that you'll be doing just fine if you relax a little
I'm glad I inspire you, but, Stan, why are you so mad?
Try to understand that I do want to lose you as a fan!
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit...
I seen this one shit on the news a couple of weeks ago
That made me sick!
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
And had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was pregnant with his kid!
And in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about it, his name was...
It was you!
Damn!