Did you ever dream that you were a dog agility super champ except then it switched and you were at some germy, grungy, derelict seaside park in the dark and the carnies were actually drug addled zombies that were shambling after you with hammers and their big teeth? And then as you're trying to escape your way out from under their oily, horrible claws by clambering up a rat infested palm tree, you're all, this is about dog agility like, how?

16 August 2008

That time when she tried to explain the politics of Russia and Georgia to us.

Well, I tell you about dog training all the time, I might as well explain what's going on in Georgia for you. I do have a lot of years of college under my belt. Like a genuine Masters Degree. Maybe in making art projects, but still. I was in the gifted program in elementary school, until removed for something. Don't quite recall what. Possibly for having a big mouth. Or doing something illegal. It's all a blur. Must have gotten ungifted somewhere. But I know you are all busy out there teaching YOUR puppies to do their straight weave poles. While I'm just sitting here watching the news. Olympics. Project Runway. DVD's of HBO's Carnivale my new favorite thing to watch on tv!

So say you have a big couch, and Otterpop considers it all hers. Even though Ruby just wants to sit on a corner of it. And really, it is NOT Otterpop's couch, it is mine. In Otterpop's universe, I = DOG. Spell that out backwards. All Caps. Because I can make all Caps now! I love my beer free computer! So, I buy the couches around here. Holder of the Master Key to the Universe Known as Visa Proud Sponsor of the Olympics. And we have had this couch longer than Ruby or Otterpop. Really it was Timmy's couch! And it isn't even stained. But has to wear a polarfleece cover over the seat to keep it sort of clean and not chewed up. Although Gustavo has chewed on the corners of it's throw pillows.

And Gustavo, he sits on a corner of it too. No problems. But Ruby, is more of a problem. Because Otterpop and Ruby have a long and complicated history together. Sometimes they share a pig ear. Sometimes one of them steals it. Ditto with the rawhide. Ditto with the special chewy made of private parts hacked off cows before they turn into Gary's burger. Sometimes they get in a tussle for the delectable chewies, other times they share. This goes on for years and years. There have been a couple actual dog fights over the years, but then they are like super best friends forever 2 minutes later. It has been a year of friendliness, as long as Ruby stays on her corner of the couch.

Also let's say this is a little more complicated because Ruby is part terrier and part I dunno. And Otterpop is part chihuahua and likely cattle dog and part I dunno. And Gustavo is Untested Breed. All caps. So they all go to different churches! But somewhere down the line, share same genetics. Except maybe Gustavo. Because he has no genetics. Mercifully free of DNA. He is like NATO. Ruby wants to join his club. But really, still shares some of that different yet the same genes as Otterpop.

And they just keep doing crap to make each other crazy. Someone steals the Rainbow Squeaky Ball! Someone took the last squrirel that actually had a squeaky in it and chewed it out and threw the stuffing everwhere. Someone is just jumping off and on the couch over and over barking and running across the house and back on the couch and it is so fast and doesn't he ever get tired of that? And now they are all playing with toys together and it is small dog bliss and now someone is mad and MUST have that toy now and MUST sit on this couch alone. They all just either drive each other nuts or play nice. I can't always tell. Mostly depends on all our moods.

Let's say Gary is George Bush. DO NOT tell him I said that. But he is like, "Hey Ruby, you should have your corner of the couch," and wants to throw Otterpop off her corner. Oh MAN does that make Otterpop mad. Like why is GARY getting mixed up in all this, it's not even his couch. OK, in reality it is because we're married but I am pretty sure I put that couch on MY credit card so we'll just say it's mine. But I am not trying to be a couch hog if you are reading this Gary! Share and Share alike, I am not like Otterpop, really!

Do you see how complicated this is? As president of our living room, I think I'm just going to move all the dogs to the floor and let they stay there for a while. Now maybe Gary read this and he's all How come she says SHE's president of the living room and there was something about some missiles and oil pipelines and you know what? I'm just going to make the dogs go outside and get off the damn couch right now.

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Laura Hartwick, Captain

Many people around Santa Cruz know Laura as the lady with all those little black dogs. Many people know her as a horse trainer. Many people know her as the artist with the small brushes. Many people know her as that hoity graphic designer.
None of them would be wrong.
All the dogs of Team Small Dog, righteously awesome.
Laura Hartwick is usually a nice person. Except when she isn't. Be nice, don't bite, and run faster.