This article WILL help you KILL porn addiction or at least start on the road to recovery inshā’Allāh.

ARTICLE HIGHLIGHTS

Physiology of porn addiction & why it’s so hard to quit

Porn addicts: you are not losers & you CAN quit

The Ramadan connection

Simple changes towards a new life

The other day on a Facebook page, I had posted a question- “what is one bad habit you’d like to kill this Ramadan?” Surprisingly, one brother openly wrote about his desire to stop watching porn. Think about it. What great desperation would make a person openly talk about this habit? In fact, this is a brave brother, who has recognized his battle, and who is literally begging for a cure, a change. He is afraid, scared of going through Ramadan, through fasts, afraid that he will not be able to ward off the urge to flip on an internet porn site, or a DVD to watch some porn.

Some of you may be thinking, “Astaghfirullah, how can someone even think of doing this in Ramadan?“. Stop. First say alḥamdulillāh, and thank Allāh that He, Al-Rahman, has protected you from this great fitnah. Next pray to Allāh that He keeps you away from the dark forces of sexual addictions of all types, from porn to zina, naudhubillah.

For those addiction-afflicted as well as those who aren’t, take heed of the dangers of porn addiction. Like alcohol and drug addiction, porn addiction cannot simply be shut off. Rather, one must undergo a rigorous process requiring time and effort, and this process cannot start unless one understands why this addiction is so strong. Porn addiction is one sub-category of sexual addictions, likely the lightest in terms of haram– but equally destructive and almost certainly leading to worse if not nipped in the bud. That is why Allāh has instructed us to not even“approach zina” [Qurʾān 17.32], because with porn as an entry-way, it becomes almost impossible to stop one’s path to zina.

Why is it an Addiction?

Research has shown that porn addiction is a “chemical addiction“, having an effect on the brain that is very similar to drugs. It has even been called the new crack cocaine in this Wired article. Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania’s Center for Cognitive Therapy, calls porn the “most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today.”

First let’s see how drugs work so we may see how analogous it is to porn addiction. The National Institute of Drug Abuse reports: “Most drugs of abuse directly or indirectly target the brain’s reward system by flooding the circuit with dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter present in regions of the brain that regulate movement, emotion, cognition, motivation, and feelings of pleasure. The overstimulation of this system, which rewards our natural behaviors, produces the euphoric effects sought by people who abuse drugs and teaches them to repeat the behavior.”

Porn addiction works similarly: “During the sexual process, the brain begins narrowing its focus as it releases a tidal wave of endorphins and other neurochemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and serotonin. These “natural drugs” produce a tremendous rush or high. When these chemicals are released during healthy marital intimacy we refer to them as “the fabulous four” because of the myriad positive benefits they generate between a husband and wife. When they are released during pornography use and other sexual addiction behaviors, we call them “the fearsome four” due to the severe addiction and many negative consequences they produce in the brain and nervous system.”[Read more in this informative article]

Overcoming Addiction

We know that drug addicts can get over their addiction. We know that alcoholics have been able to do the same.

So, if you are a porn addict, know this:

(1) you are not alone
(2) you are not a loser or an evil person
(3) you CAN kick this habit but only with a huge amount of jihad’l-nafs (the struggle of the soul).

For spouses, family, friends, and supporters, know that:

(1) It is important that you “recognize” the addiction and become partners towards a cure rather than continually debasing and disparaging the addict. Debasement only makes the addict feel worse and increases the desire to seek pleasure from endorphins through porn.

(2) Porn addiction is destructive not only for the addict, but also for the spouse. As we saw in my previous post on porn addiction, it has the ability to destroy marriages. That is why it is not to be taken lightly. I urge spouses of addicts to please also be a “partner in solution” rather than a police officer. You cannot hammer the addiction out of your spouse. Learn about its physiological and psychological aspects, and HELP in the recovery. If you love your spouse, you will give it your very best shot.

Ramadan is a time where we are instructed to fast. Fasting has been described by the Prophet (salallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) as one of the ways to control sexual desire:

Abdullah (b. Mas’ud) (Allāh be pleased with him) reported that Allāh‘s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to us: “O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford it should observe fast for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.”

During regular days, it may be tough to observe this instruction, but Ramadan is a month where you are surrounded with “effective motivation” to fast. The last thing you want to do is go through the motions of fasting yet breaking it by engaging in your addiction. Use this opportunity to make some strong moves towards a “reliable method“.

Partner Up

Connect with a close friend, family member, or spouse–someone you can trust. Let’s call this person your “partner”. Have your partner install a strong porn filter/activity monitor on your computer. Let him/her control the password and make this partner promise that they will not give it to you regardless of how much you ask for it. If it helps, make them swear by Allāh. In some cultures, putting your hand on the Qurʾān reinforces this promise.

Make Structural Changes

Replace your SmartPhone– If you watch porn on your phone, get rid of it! Replace it with a non-internet-capable “cheap mobile”. Either you can have a nice toy or you can save yourself from porn.

Change your computer– If you watch it on your laptop, consider buying a desktop instead that stays in an open area where you wouldn’t want to be caught watching porn.

Turn off your TV– if u have any porn videos or DVDs, destroy them now, before you lose your spirit.

Reliable Methods

Self-Talk– Talk to yourself and your partner about your addiction. Consider this: If you are able to control yourself during fasting, why can’t you control yourself during the nights of Ramadan, nights that are the holiest nights of the entire year? And if you are able to control yourself for the entire Ramadan, is the Allāh of Ramadan not the same Allāh of the rest of the months, Who watches your every move?

Make constant du‘ā’– Ask Him, Al-Tawwab, to pardon your sins, and grant you barakah in your efforts and time to help you overcome this trial. Recognize that you are in this trial only by the will of Allāh (subḥānahu wa ta’āla), and by His will and mercy, He will lift you from this trial after you rise from it, a stronger believer. Use the nights of this most blessed months, and the moments before you break your fast to humbly ask Allāh (subḥānahu wa ta’āla) for help.

Read Self Help Books– Beyond the self-talk, you need to continue the journey on a “reliable method”. Your best bet is to get books on breaking sex addiction. Do it NOW before you lose your motivation to read them! It is more important for you to read these books in Ramadan.

Get Counseling– If you have access and ability to engage with a psychologist, this is the time to put that in motion. Call one and set up an appointment. Make sure this psychologist is a specialist in the area of addictions, especially sex addiction.

In other words, start doing whatever it takes during these Ramadan days of high spiritual motivation to set into motion something that will keep you porn free in the LONG RUN, as opposed to perhaps controlling it only in Ramadan.

It is important to understand that the mut’ah marriages that were found in the era of Rasulullaah (Sallallaahu ‘alaihi wasallam) were legitimate marriages and the conditions and regulations of a normal matrimony were found therein. This is not the case today with the Shi’ah mut’ah. We list hereunder some fundamental differences between a valid nikaah and the mut’ah practiced by the Shi’ahs:

No ‘iddah after fixed time finishes[7]. A woman may engage in mut’ah with many men in one single night (mut’ah dawriyyah)[8]

It is haraam to engage in mut’ah. Both parties will be sinful and their intimacy will be regarded to be zinaa.

If a person engages in mut’ah, it is zinaa. He/she should make sincere tawbah and istighfaar. The scholars have stated that for the validity of tawbah (repentance), three factors must be found: to abandon the sin, to have remorse and regret over having committing the sin & to make a firm intention to not commit the sin again

Moreover, one should seek forgiveness from Allaah Ta’aala (istighfaar) daily for the sin in reference and for all sins in general. Rasulullaah (Sallallaahu ‘alaihi wasallam), despite being sinless, would seek forgiveness a hundred times daily. When repenting and seeking forgiveness, one should have full hope in Allaah Ta’aala that He will shower upon him/her with His infinite mercy and compassion and pardon his/her sins.

Pornography (porn) is abhorrent. It is degrading, not just for the one carrying out the act but also for those viewing it. Like every other sin, pornography is a violation against one’s own self and is displeasing to Allah SWT. Ulama describe it as “a technological form of adultery and fornication”.

It is an addiction and whether it is a major sin is not even questionable. The sin of allowing the eyes to fall upon anything pornographic leads one to undoubtedly become addicted to the sin of self gratification. To the extent that one need only recall from memory pornographic images to repeat the sin. That’s two sins for the price of one’s Imaan.

“It is even worse than fornicating with an animal or even worse than fornicating with a corpse,” the Ulama further describe how shameful the addiction is. Why? As an animal is a living creation, so too is a corpse also a creation, despite it being dead.

Pornography is the exhibition of pictures in the medium of film, photography, drawing and sculpture. These pictures are lifeless. When one indulges in pornography they are giving a lifeless object the power to play havoc with their heart, mind and soul, as explained by Moulana Ismail Desai and checked by Mufti Ebrahim Desai of Darul Iftaa.

“The eyes are polluted with the evil that’s on the screen. The mind and soul reacts to those lifeless pictures. If one engages in an illicit relationship with a corpse, what’s the difference between that and lifeless pictures? How low can we stoop to allow lifeless pictures to control and fulfill our passions?”

It is said that the addiction to pornography could be worse than drug addiction. While a drug addict could be rehabilitated and detoxified, over time ridding himself of the effects of drugs from his system, a porn addict opens his heart and mind to pictures that may remain there for a long time.

So strong is the medium of pictures that our recollection of them can happen at the most sacred of moments. Whilst in Salaah or during other forms of Ibadat. For married couples it can cause havoc with the intimacy, trust, respect and stability of the union. Husbands may demand of their wives to also view pornographic movies to “learn” Haraam sexual acts.

Pornography has many negative consequences, but the biggest is that “it robs one of true human values and spirituality. The real life and essence of Imaan is lost.”

It is narrated by Ibn Abbas (radiallahu anhu) that Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) has said, “When an adulterer commits illegal sexual intercourse, then he is not a believer at the time he is doing it; the wine-drinker is not a believer at the moment when he is drinking wine; and when somebody steals, he is not a believer at the time he is stealing.” (Sahih Bukhari)

One has to leave their faith to indulge in sinful acts and it would be extremely grave if death were to visit a Muslim while they are engaged in the sin. Both the actor and viewer engaged in pornography have little or no respect for themselves and for the opposite sex.

In the times we live, there is a fixation with sexuality. In most cases women are exploited to be the object of a man’s desire – most pornography caters to heterosexual men – and in the vein of “equal” rights and feminism women are blind to this exploitation.

Pornographic images are prevalent everywhere from billboards, magazines, drawings, advertisements , the internet and literature. It is well known that television is one of the most pervasive tools of pornography. It’s a multibillion dollar industry “owning” over 30% of internet sites and it can be accessed at a tap of a button resulting in the slow degradation and corruption of millions.

There are many physical, spiritual and psychological harms linked to self gratification. Among those listed by the Ulama are that the blessings of good deeds are taken away, a person is deprived of knowledge, finds an aversion to people and the most dangerous is that the person will not be able to remain steadfast on Deen. A person satisfying themselves in this manner is cursed by Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam).

Physical harms include the bladder becoming weak leading to problems in Wudhu, Salaah and other Ibaadah. It weakens the nerves and causes some limbs like the legs to shake and shiver. It causes pain in the vertebra column, the spinal column from which semen is ejaculated. This pain creates crookedness and twisting in the back. It creates weakness in the brain and weakness of memory. It weakens the sight and reduces the normal limit of vision and causes a person to become old before time. These are just a few. Self gratification also leads to agitation and irritation over trivial matters, lack of confidence, disinterest in studying and desire for isolation.

But anyone who admits to themselves that it is a sin and seeks help can rid themselves of the addiction with willpower, hard work and steadfastness. The first step is sincere repentance. One should not be despondent and never despair. Allah SWT commands us in the Quraan not to lose hope in Him and Allah SWT tells those who have transgressed not to lose hope in His Mercy. There is no doubt that it is only Allah who will cover up and forgive sins.

The following remedies are advised. Restrict internet usage to the bare minimum and use it only out of need and necessity and in the company of others. Request to be supervised by an elder, your parents, your wife or any other person when using the internet. Imagine the disgrace and shame that will overcome you when your loved ones and others learn of your secret.

“Before you sleep every night, think about death and how you will be buried in the grave with no-one to assist you and help you. Imagine Ghusl (pre-burial bathing)being done to you, you will then be enshrouded with the Kafn, people will be crying, the Janaza Salaah will be performed and then your body will be carried to the graveyard and then you will be buried in the depths of the ground. Who will be there to assist you on that day? Every day, take out some time before you go to sleep and think about death. Insha’Allah, this will remove the ghaflat (heedlessness) from your Nafs.”

Another remedy is to keep occupied in beneficial things at all times. Keep a Tasbeeh(rosary) to make Dhikr whenever you have time and aren’t doing anything. Remain firm and resolute in your quest. Never give up hope. Always, keep trying.

“Never give way to the subtle whisperings of Shaytaan. At first, refraining from sins might be extremely difficult, but after constant struggle and punishing of the Nafs, the Nafs will finally become tamed and then you will feel pleasure in refraining from sins. Insha’Allah, one day Allah (Ta’ala) will open up his treasures of guidance and love to you.”

And always, always lower your gaze.

The Problem With Porn

http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/Why-I-Stopped-Watching-Porn-Ran

Porn. It’s the elephant in the room. In today’s state of overt sexuality, it is nearly impossible to avoid the barrage of erotic propaganda portrayed in all forms of media. Whether it’s the soft-core exposure of celebrities in film and television, or the hard-core pornography which dominates the myriad of internet tube sites today, it is easy to say that we’ve all been subjected, whether willingly or unwillingly, to pornography in some form or another. It seems as though porn has become more ‘mainstream’ in the last ten years, progressing away from the small corner in movie rental shops and making its way into almost every form of media today. Varying opinions peg gratuitous sexuality and pornography either as a ‘liberation of sexual expression’ or a ‘condemnation of a sacred monogamous practice’. The moral and ethical debate around porn is multifaceted, but one thing is for sure, the ubiquity of sexuality and pornography has definitely gone too far.

Illustrations of a sexual nature date back thousands of years; depictions such as the Venus figurines and rock art have existed since prehistoric times. However, the concept of pornography as understood today did not exist until the Victorian era. For example, the French Impressionism painting by Édouard Manet titled Olympia was a nude picture of a French courtesan, literally a “prostitute picture” – it was controversial at the time. Nineteenth-century legislation eventually outlawed the publication, retail, and trafficking of certain writings and images regarded as pornographic and would order the destruction of shop and warehouse stock meant for sale.

This took a turn in the late 19th-early 20th century, as pornographic film production commenced almost immediately after the invention of the motion picture in 1895. The 1896 film, Le Coucher de la Mariée showed Louise Willy performing a striptease. Pirou’s film inspired a genre of risqué French films showing women disrobing and other filmmakers realised profits could be made from such films. In 1970 a Federal study estimated the total retail value of pornography was around $10 million. Shockingly, by 2001, a study put the total (including video, pay-per-view, Internet and magazines) between $2.6 billion and $3.9 billion. That profit number should be a red flag for anyone trying to understand the morality behind pornography, as any corporate influenced industry usually leaves ethics and human wellness at the door when promoting their profit margins.

Brett and Kate Mckay from theartofmaniless.com, wrote in an article titled The Problem With Porn, “Pornography is such a polarizing issue, that it’s easy for people to take extreme sides when approaching it. Oftentimes, religious people, while very sincere in their beliefs, brand porn as vile filth that turns good men into sexual perverts and unclean lepers… The other extreme sees porn as just a healthy expression of sexuality. Pornography is heartily encouraged in order to help people discover what pleases them sexually, no matter how graphic or violent the material is. The people in this camp will argue that as long as consenting adults are involved and no one gets hurt, then anything goes. However, this approach fails to recognize the detrimental effects porn can have on an individual, on women, and on society.”

Pornography watching without a doubt can be a compulsive practice. It’s more like food to a compulsive over-eater. Once you make those pleasure connections in your brain they can be very hard to break. And it’s not an exaggeration to say that porn can ruin your life. The false standards and ideals established through porn affect men and women more so than you might think. Some might disagree to this notion, but pornography objectifies both women and men. For the longest time, the subject of objectification was based solely on women, and this held true for many years. However, one cannot deny that in our current culture men are objectified just as much in the media. In pornography especially (heterosexual and homosexual), men and women are looked at as sexually gratifying ‘things’, leaving out the need to connect spiritually, emotionally, or intellectually.

Another problem with watching porn is the support of the dirty industry behind it. People are getting paid to have sex, i.e., porn is glamorized prostitution. The density surrounding this concept is real. To attain a proper perspective on the matter, a question to ask yourself would be how would you feel if your brother, sister, mother, or father participated in these kinds of acts? If the answer is ‘uncomfortable’, then perhaps there needs to be the same standard applied to the people who engage in porn.

One of the largest issues with pornography is the false standards and expectations that exist as its entourage. The men usually have shredded bodies and large penises, the women are usually tiny with massive breast implants. When children see these types of images at a young age, insecurities arise due to erroneous definitions of what ‘men’ and ‘women’ are stated to be. There is no love associated with sex in porn, but instead sex is portrayed as an aggressive, animalistic type of practice that wants only to see the gratified ending. There is a massive mis-education done through pornography which creates unrealistic ideas of what ‘good’ sex is. In some cases this can create a big problem in the bedroom, with some people even having to revert to sexual fantasies while having sex in order to reach orgasm.

Furthermore, watching porn on a regular basis can diminish the need for sexual pleasure within a relationship. After repeated exposure to the stimuli, your pleasure plateaus. At this point, people often reach for more-more food, more sex, more porn, etc. in order to recover the initial pleasure they once took in the experience. But this only begins a vicious cycle in which you must seek ever greater and more intense stimulation to return to your initial pleasure level. Eventually you overwhelm and numb your pleasure receptors. Author Naomi Wolfe touched upon this in her New York Magazine article “The Porn Myth”,

“Pornography works in the most basic of ways on the brain: It is Pavlovian. An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforcers imaginable. If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on; if you open your focus to an endless stream of ever-more-transgressive images of cybersex slaves, that is what it will take to turn you on. The ubiquity of sexual images does not free eros, but dilutes it. Other cultures know this. I am not advocating a return to the days of hiding female sexuality, but I am noting that the power and charge of sex are maintained when there is some sacredness to it, when it is not on tap all the time.”

Assalamu alaykum , please give me fatwa in my situation. Me and my husband married for 13 years, we love each other, but we do not have any child. Doctors proved that it is my fault, i am infertile. Doctor said that the only way to get pregnant is to go for IVF with egg donor. Can i use my sister’s egg and become pregnant in order to be real woman and not to divorce? Thanks in advance.

(Question published as received)

Answer

In the Name of Allaah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salaamu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullaahi wa-barakaatuh.

Sister in Islaam,

At the outset, it is important to understand that it is Allaah Ta’aala who grants couples children and it is He who deprives them of children. Consider the following verse:

Translation: He grants to whomever He so wills female offspring and He grants to whomever He so wills male offspring. Or He bestows (upon some) both males and females. And He makes barren whomever He so wills. Indeed, He is All-Knowing, All-mighty. (Ash-Shooraa v.49-50)

Not being able to bear children is neither your fault nor does it make you less of a woman. You should never feel that way. It is the choice of Allaah Ta’aala that he has not given you children.

Nevertheless, if a couple is experiencing difficulty in conceiving a child through the natural way, it will be permissible to adopt the IVF method provided the sperm and egg belong to the husband and wife and no third person is involved.

In the enquired situation, it is not permissible for you to use your sister’s egg to become pregnant[1]. Turn to Allaah Ta’aala with the following du’aa:

]]>‘Pornography Is What the End of the World Looks Like’https://jamiat.org.za/pornography-is-what-the-end-of-the-world-looks-like/
Tue, 05 Mar 2019 10:00:12 +0000http://jamiat.org.za/?p=27234read time: 7min

“Fifty Shades of Grey,” the book and the movie, is a celebration of the sadism that dominates nearly every aspect of American culture and lies at the core of pornography and global capitalism. It glorifies our dehumanization of women. It champions a world devoid of compassion, empathy and love. It eroticizes hyper masculine power that carries out the abuse, degradation, humiliation and torture of women whose personalities have been removed, whose only desire is to debase themselves in the service of male lust. The film, like American sniper unquestioningly accepts a predatory world where the weak and the vulnerable are objects to exploit while the powerful are narcissistic and violent demigods. It blesses this capitalist hell as natural and good.

“Pornography,” Robert Jensen writes, “is what the end of the world looks like.”

We are blinded by self-destructive fantasy. An array of amusements and spectacles, including TV “reality” shows, huge sporting events, social media, porn (which earns at least twice what Hollywood movies generate), alluring luxury products, drugs and alcohol, offers enticing exit doors from reality. We yearn to be rich, powerful and celebrities. And those we must trample to build our pathetic little empires are seen as deserving their fate. That nearly all of us will never attain these ambitions is emblematic of our collective self-delusion and the effectiveness of a culture awash in manipulation and lies.

Porn seeks to eroticize this sadism. They plead to be physically abused. Porn caters to degrading racist stereotypes. Black men are sexually potent beasts stalking white women. Black women have a raw, primitive lust. Latin women are sultry and hot-blooded. Asian women are meek, sexually submissive geishas. In porn, human imperfections do not exist. The oversized silicone breasts, the pouting, gel-inflated lips, the bodies sculpted by plastic surgeons, the drug-induced erections that never subside and the shaved pubic regions — which cater to porn’s paedophilia — turn performers into pieces of plastic. Smell, sweat, breath, heartbeats and touch are erased along with tenderness. Women in porn are packaged commodities. They are pleasure dolls and sexual puppets. They are stripped of true emotions. Porn is not about sex, if one defines sex as a mutual act between two partners, but about masturbation, a solitary auto-arousal devoid of intimacy and love. The cult of the self — that is the essence of porn — lies at the core of corporate culture. Porn, like global capitalism, is where human beings are sent to die.

There are few people on the left who grasp the immense danger of allowing pornography to replace intimacy, sex and love. Much of the left believes that pornography is about free speech, as if it is unacceptable to financially exploit and physically abuse a woman in a sweatshop in China but acceptable to do so on the set of a porn film, as if torture is wrong in Abu Ghraib, where prisoners were sexually humiliated and abused as if they were on a porn set, but permissible on commercial porn sites.

A new wave of feminists, who have betrayed the iconic work of radicals such as Andrea Dworkin, defends porn as a form of sexual liberation and self-empowerment. These “feminists” are stunted products of neoliberalism and postmodernism. Feminism, for them, is no longer about the liberation of women who are oppressed; it is defined by a handful of women who are successful, powerful and wealthy — or, as in the case of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” able to snag a rich and powerful man. A woman wrote the “Fifty Shades” book, as well as the screenplay. A woman directed the film. A woman studio head bought the movie. This collusion by women is part of the internalization of oppression and sexual violence that have their roots in porn. Dworkin understood. She wrote that “the new pornography is a vast graveyard where the Left has gone to die. The Left cannot have its whores and its politics too.”

I met Gail Dines, one of the most important radicals in the country, in a small cafe in Boston on Tuesday. She is the author of “Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality” and a professor of sociology and women’s studies at Wheelock College. Dines, along with a handful of others including Jensen, fearlessly decry a culture that is as depraved as Caligula’s Rome.

“The porn industry has hijacked the sexuality of an entire culture and is laying waste to a whole generation of boys,” she warned. “And when you lay waste to a generation of boys, you lay waste to a generation of girls.”

“When you fight porn you fight global capitalism,” she said. “The venture capitalists, the banks, the credit card companies are all in this feeding chain. This is why you never see anti-porn stories. The media is implicated. It is financially in bed with these companies. Porn is part of this. Porn tells us we have nothing left as human beings — boundaries, integrity, desire, creativity and authenticity. Women are reduced to three orifices and two hands. Porn is woven into the corporate destruction of intimacy and connectedness, and this includes connectedness to the earth. If we were a society where we were whole, connected human beings in real communities, then we would not be able to look at porn. We would not be able to watch another human being tortured.” “If you are going to give a tiny percent of the world the vast majority of the goodies, you better make sure you have a good ideological system in place that legitimizes why everyone else is suffering economically,” she said. “This is what porn does. Porn tells you that material inequality between women and men is not the result of an economic system. It is biologically based. And women, being only good for sex, don’t deserve full equality. Porn is the ideological mouthpiece that legitimizes our material system of inequality. Porn is to patriarchy what the media is to capitalism.”

To keep the legions of easily bored male viewers aroused, porn makers produce videos that are increasingly violent and debasing. Porn companies which specialize in graphic rape scenes, promote the very real pain endured by women on its sets in which women gag and often vomit. Female performers may suffer from sexually transmitted diseases and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). And with porn mainstreamed — some porn video participants are treated like film celebrities by talk show hosts such as Oprah and Howard Stern — the behaviour promoted by porn, including stripping, promiscuity, S&M and exhibitionism, has become chic. Porn also sets the standard for female beauty and female comportment. And this has had terrifying consequences for girls.

“Women are told in our society they have two choices,” Dines said. “They are either desirable or invisible. To be ‘desirable’ means to conform to the porn culture, to look hot, be submissive and do what the man wants. That’s the only way you get visibility.

“You cannot ask adolescent girls, who are dying for visibility, to choose invisibility.”

None of this, Dines pointed out, was by accident. Porn grew out of the commodity culture, the need by corporate capitalists to sell products.

“In post-Second-World-War America you have the emergence of a middle class with a disposable income,” she said. “The only trouble is that this group was born to parents who had been through a depression and a war. They did not know how to spend. They only knew how to save. What [the capitalists] needed to jump-start the economy was to get people to spend money on stuff they did not need. For women they brought in the television soaps. One of the reasons the ranch house was developed was because [families] only had one television. The television was in the living room and women spent a lot of time in the kitchen. You had to devise a house where she could watch television from the kitchen. She was being taught.”

“But who was teaching the men how to spend money?” she went on. “It was Playboy [Magazine]. This was the brilliance of Hugh Hefner. He understood that you don’t just commodify sexuality, you sexualize commodities. The promise that Playboy held out was not the girls or the women, it was that if you buy at this level, if you consume at the level Playboy tells you to, then you will get the prize, which is the women. The step that was crucial to getting the prize was the consumption of commodities. He wrapped porn, which sexualized and commoditized women’s bodies, in an upper-middle-class blanket. He gave it a veneer of respectability.”

The VCR, the DVD and, later, the Internet allowed porn to be pumped into individual homes. The glossy, still images of Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler became tame, even quaint. America, and much of the rest of the world, became pornified. The income of the global porn industry is estimated at $96 billion, with the United States market worth about $13 billion. There are, Dines writes, “420 million Internet porn pages, 4.2 million porn Web sites, and 68 million search engine requests for porn daily.”

Along with the rise of pornography there has been an explosion in sex-related violence, including domestic abuse, rape and gang rape. A rape is reported every 6.2 minutes in the United States, but the estimated total, taking into account unreported assaults, is perhaps five times higher, as Rebecca Solnit points out in her book “Men Explain Things to Me.”

“So many men murder their partners and former partners that we have well over a thousand homicides of that kind a year — meaning that every three years the death toll tops 9/11’s casualties, though no one declares a war on this particular kind of terror,” Solnit writes.

Porn, meanwhile, is ever more accessible. “With a mobile phone you can deliver porn to men who live in highly concentrated neighbourhoods in Brazil and India,” Dines said. “If you have one laptop in the family, the man can’t sit in the middle of the room and masturbate to it.

“With a phone, porn becomes portable. The average kid gets his porn through the mobile phone.”

The old porn industry, which found its profits in movies, is dead. The points of production no longer generate profits. The distributors of porn make the money. And one distributor, a global IT company, dominates porn distribution. Free porn is used on the Internet as bait by to lure viewers to pay-per-view porn sites. Most users are adolescent boys. It is, Dines said, “like handing out cigarettes outside of a middle school. You get them addicted.”

“Around the ages of 12 to 15 you are developing your sexual template,” she said. “You get [the boys] when they are beginning to construct their sexual identity. You get them for life. If you begin by masturbating to cruel, hardcore, violent porn then you are not going to want intimacy and connection. Studies are showing that boys are losing interest in sex with real women. They can’t sustain erections with real women. In porn there is no making love. It is about making hate. He despises her. He is revolted and disgusted by her. If you bleed out the love you have to fill it with something to make it interesting. They fill it with violence, degradation, cruelty and hate. And that also gets boring. So you have to keep ratcheting it up. Men get off in porn from women being submissive. Who is more submissive than children? The inevitable route of all porn is child porn. And this is why organizations that fight child porn and do not fight adult porn are making a huge mistake.”

The abuse inherent in pornography goes unquestioned in large part by both men and women. Look at the movie ticket sales for “Fifty Shades of Grey,” which opened the day before Valentine’s Day and is expected to take in up to $90 million over the four-day weekend.

“Pornography has socialized a generation of men into watching sexual torture,” Dines said. “You are not born with that capacity. You have to be trained into it. Just like you train soldiers to kill. If you are going to carry out violence against a group you have to dehumanize them. And no one dehumanizes women better than porn.”

Alhamdulillah, Allah has
granted us a great favour by choosing Islam as our Deen. Allah, the
Exalted, says: “Today I have perfected your Deen for you,
completed My bounty upon you and chosen Islam as your Deen.” (Surah
Al-Mai’dah, 5:3)

Islam is an all-encompassing and holistic way
of life. It takes into account all of the human needs: spiritual,
emotional and physical. It encourages marriage and
has made it the only means through which we can satisfy our sexual needs. In
fact, according to many scholars, though marriage is a highly recommended act,
it becomes obligatory once there is a risk of getting involved
in a sin.

Unfortunately many
Brothers are living a very promiscuous life these days. A number of them are
involved in premarital relationships while others are even
having extra-marital relationships with girls/women.

These Brothers who are
involved in these immoral acts can actually be divided into three common categories:

1. Brothers who are in
unlawful relationship with a single girl either with the aim of having fun with
her or with the sincere intention of marrying her. Whatever your motive
may be, she is haraam for you. Some of you get engaged to her
thinking that once you are engaged to her she becomes halaal for
you.

No Brother, your fiancée is not your wife therefore she
is not halaal for you till you have a Nikah with
her, period!

2. Then there are those who
have relations with several girls at a time (these are the lads who are usually
termed as ‘Playboys’). Every time you find a new girlfriend
you feel a sense of pride in you. You take the new relationship as a
feather in your cap!

No Brother, this relationship is not a feather in your cap but
in real sense it is something that can cause a black spot in your heart.
Yes, by being alone with her you are bound to be involved in a sin and this
creates a black spot in your heart as is stated in the following Hadeeth: Abu
Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him,
said, “Verily, when the servant commits a sin a black spot appears upon
his heart…” Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 3334. If Allah has endowed you
a luxurious life that includes wealth,a splendid
house, a porsche car etc. and has also blessed you
with verygood looks, then do not use these bounties to
cause His wrath because you are answerable to Him tomorrow in the Hereafter.

3. Then there are Brothers
who are involved in Extramarital affairs. These are the
relationships outside of marriage where an illicit romantic or sexual
relationship or a romantic friendship or a passionate attachment occurs. This
practice is not only totally forbidden in Islam, it is also disliked by all
societies of the world, however liberal they might be. Being unfaithful to your
wife is disliked by majority of the people all around the world.

Please fear Allah
Subhanahu wa Ta’ala because He is always watching every move of yours. Keep
away from all types of sins. Do not ruin the everlasting life of the Hereafter for
the Trivial life of this Duniya! What answer are you going
give Him for the sins you are committing here?

On the other hand, if a person leaves a sin for the pleasure of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta‘ala, he will enjoy rewards in both the worlds: in this world as well as the Hereafter.

Sayyidah Zainab Thaqafiyyah (radhiyallahu ‘anha), also known by the name ‘Raitah’, was the respected wife of the renowned Sahaabi, Sayyiduna ‘Abdullah bin Mas‘ood (radhiyallahu ‘anhu).

Sayyiduna ‘Abdullah bin Mas‘ood (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) had dedicated his time to remaining in the blessed company of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) to serve him and acquire the knowledge of Deen from him. Through this effort, Allah Ta‘ala blessed him to become one of the leading Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) in the field of the knowledge of Deen.

Sayyiduna ‘Abdullah bin Mas‘ood (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) did not possess abundant wealth, and he had sacrificed earning a living to acquire the knowledge of Deen from Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). As for his wife, Sayyidah Zainab (radhiyallahu ‘anha), she not only accepted his decision happily, but even tried her best to assist him in his noble endeavour! She would thus see to the needs of the household – which included the orphaned children of her brother and sister – by making things and selling them (from home) in order to earn an income.

One day, Sayyidah Zainab (radhiyallahu ‘anha) heard Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) address the women saying, “Give charity, even if it be through selling your jewellery!” When she heard this, Sayyidah Zainab (radhiyallahu ‘anha) mentioned to Sayyiduna ‘Abdullah bin Mas‘ood (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), “By spending on the household, I am unable to give money in charity!” Sayyiduna ‘Abdullah bin Mas‘ood (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) answered, “If spending on your household is not rewarding for you, I would not be happy for you to spend on us.”

Sayyidah Zainab (radhiyallahu ‘anha) thus went to Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) and addressed her concern to him saying, “I am a woman who makes things and sells (from home). Neither my husband, nor my children nor I possess wealth. Due to spending on my family, I am unable to give money in charity. Will I receive reward of charity for spending on them?” Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) replied, “So long as you spend on them, you will receive the reward of charity, so continue spending on them.” In another narration, Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said that she would receive a double reward; one reward for maintaining family ties (through spending on family) and a separate reward for charity.

1. When a woman assists her husband and children in their Deeni endeavours, then even though she may be comfortable in her home while they are out doing Deeni work, she has a full share in their efforts and thus shares in their rewards as well. Hence, Sayyidah Zainab (radhiyallahu ‘anha) was not only running a ‘home industry’, she was running a full-blown factory that was generating rewards in the Aakhirah on an industrial scale.

2. When giving charity, a person should first try to find recipients from his own family, as he will earn a double reward through giving to relatives. When giving family, he does not have to embarrass them by telling them that it is charity. Instead, he may give it to them in the guise of a gift. However, although charity starts at home, it does not end there. If a person has any surplus money to give in charity, he should give to other recipients and spend in other avenues as well.

3. Although they did not have abundant wealth, Sayyidah Zainab (radhiyallahu ‘anha) had taken in her brother’s and sister’s orphaned children and was raising them, looking after them and spending on them from her own money. This is the spirit advocated by Islam – the spirit of love, compassion, sympathy, generosity and care for one and all.

4. Despite the good deeds that she was already performing, Sayyidah Zainab (radhiyallahu ‘anha) was not complacent. Rather, she wanted to increase her good deeds by giving charity as well, even though she did not possess abundant wealth.

“I came to visit Nabi Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam at night while he was in the state of I’tikaf (seclusion) (in the Masjid during the last ten days of Ramadan). After having talked to him, I got up to return. He also got up with me and accompanied me a part of the way. At that moment two Ansari men passed by. When they saw him they quickened their pace.

Nabi Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said to them, ‘Do not hurry. She is Safiya, daughter of Huyai, my wife.’ They said, ‘Subhan Allah! O Messenger of Allah! (You are far away from any suspicion)’ He replied, ‘Shaitaan circulates in a person like blood (in the blood streams). I feared lest Shaitaan should plant some evil thoughts in your minds.’ (Muslim)

Question and Answer:

Q. Is a bring and share Walima permissible where every person brings food to share at a Walima?

(Question published as received)

A. There is no prohibition in bringing and sharing food at a Walima to assist the groom or his family in hosting a Walima. This following is part of a Hadith relating to Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam’s marriage to Sayyidatuna Safiyya Radhiyallahu Anha as recorded in Sahih Bukhari: Sayyiduna Abdul Azzi Bin Suhaib Radhiyallahu Anhu reports from Sayyiduna Anas Radhiyallahu Anhu, “…, whilst on the way, Umm Sulaim Radhiyallahu Anha dressed her (Sayyidatuna Safiyya Radhiyallahu Anha) for the marriage (ceremony) and at night sent her as a bride to Nabi Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam.

Nabi Sallallahu Alayhi wa Sallam said, ‘Whoever has anything (food) should bring it.’ He spread out a leather sheet (for the food) and some brought dates and others brought butter. So they prepared a dish of Hais (a kind of meal) and that was the Walima (the marriage banquet) of Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam!

I shared this article on
your website, regarding women working, with some of my friends.

Someone then
mentioned that since Khadeejah (radhiyallahu ‘anha) was a merchant and used to
work, it should be fine for Muslim women to work as well.

What is the correct answer to this?

Jazakallah

Answer:

Bismihi Ta‘ala

Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi
wa barkaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

The laws of Deen were
gradually introduced to the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) via Rasulullah
(sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). Some aspects were initially permissible and
later declared forbidden. Eventually, during the final pilgrimage, the
verse “Today I have perfected for you your Deen …” was
revealed. Hence, if someone takes something that
happened in the initial era but was later abrogated and presents it as “proof”,
this will be a clear sign of his ignorance. For
instance, wine was initially permissible to consume but was later totally
forbidden. If someone cites the incidents of the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum)
consuming wine, hence it is fine to consume wine, this will be the height of
ignorance.

In any case, Sayyidah
Khadeejah (radhiyallahu ‘anha) married Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam)
fifteen years prior to nubuwwat and passed away in the 10th year of nubuwwat. The incidents recorded in the books regarding her
being a merchant speak about the time before she had even married Rasulullah
(sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), let alone after the nubuwwat of Rasulullah
(sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). Furthermore, the manner in which she conducted
her business was totally different to the norm of the business world of today. Reliable historical reports have clearly explained that she would
hire people to carry out her business and give them some percentage of the
profit. (Seerah Ibnu Hishaam vol. 1, pg. 188)

Therefore, it is
totally incorrect to cite her action, which happened even before she got
married to Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), and present it as Deeni
proof.

Rasulullah
(sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) still remained in the world for approximately
thirteen years after her demise. The question is: “Did any of the other Azwaaj
Mutahharaat (Noble Wives) become ‘merchants’ who ‘used to work’ or not?

As for the system
that Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) advocated; he apportioned all the
work indoors to Sayyidah Faatimah (radhiyallahu ‘anha) and the work outdoors to
Sayyiduna ‘Ali (radhiyallahu ‘anhu). (Musannaf Ibni Abi Shaibah
#29677) This is the system that is to be
adopted for all times.