Majority of this blog is about adoption loss. I am also the Mom to a 21 year old son and a 16 year old son. I am fresh out of adoption related topics so I will use this blog to write just about whatever is going on in my life and may throw in adoption and reunion in here when the urge hits me. I recently went thru a bad divorce. I know it was quick but I found love and that has brought me much needed happiness. I may write about my relationship at times.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

My husband bought this cord thing that plugs into the computer and into the tv. It basically made the tv a big computer. We were looking at photos from the past and seen some pictures for before I lost weight and decided it would be cool to pose together for after shot. Go check out his blog. You should find the link to the blog on the right side of my blog. He proudly posted pictues of me.

Friday, September 28, 2012

I went shopping to get some work out pants due to fearing my short shorts would stand out. I came across a workout shirt that said yes. no. Maybe. I had to have it.

It really describes my intial feelings about going to the middle school and doing aumba in the same gym that I had been in as a young teen living a life trying to fit in.

I am excited about the zumbathon and think that will probably keep me focused on other stuff. I can only imagine the energy in the air will be out of this world.

I found a pair of pants that I wanted to go with it and had a hard time justifying the money but the whole thing rang up for only 15 bucks and that included the shirt, pants and 3 pairs of socks.

I haven't been able to find a matching pair of socks all week. I don't know where they go.

I didn't try the clothes on in the store and that's a first for me. I came home and tried them on and my husband didn't look too pleased!! I think he used the words something like you think are hot now!! And I don't want people looking at my wifes butt to read the words. LOL It says Joe Boxer!!

Off the subject of me dancing looking all cute!!

Birthparents, in reunion or not, do you ever feel bad or odd saying something like "i spend the day with my family" or "I cooked dinner for my family" When your child that was placed for adoption isn't with you?

Sometimes, on fb or if I was talking to Izzy. I trip over the word "family" I feel like if I use the word family especially if I am talking to her that it's excluding her as part of the family.

Now, I know that some people may come from big families and their is a difference between how well conntected family is. My parents and brother and sisters are my family. However, mostly in the everyday use of the word "family" it's my husband and two sons.

This has been on my mind for a while now and I wonder if adoptees feel the sting if birthparents say "family" and it's not including them. Sort of how in a small way Izzy wanting to prank "her parents" and gets the rest of us all riled up stings me a little bit.

I guess it's just a sting that probably has to happen. I can't expect her to never say, Parents or Mom, nor can she expect me to never use the term "family"

Thursday, September 27, 2012

I just made the decision to go to the zumbathon on my own. My friend's daughter isn't going to be able to go and she was sort of the deciding factor if I would bring kids or not.

The two kids together would have been okay but I can't just bring my son. I am sure there will be other chances down the road when my son could go. There is a part of me that is sad that I am not going with anyone to share the excitement but unless your into zumba they probably wouldn't feel the excitement.

I am slightly nervous about being in the school. It's the same school I was in labor in and the same school I had to walk back into after having Izzy. I had to face a lot of questions and not everyone was so nice about it. I really didn't fool anyone by telling them that I didn't have a child.

I am hoping that my memory fails me and it's like a new building. Suffering from memory loss during hard times has to pay off sometime. I don't want to relive the painful memories from that year. Those memories are best buried in the walls of those hallways.

I am excited and nervous about the zumbathon all on it's own. I don't know what to expect. Do I bring a gallon of water with me? Or will there be water? Do I bring something to eat or money? And where would I put money cause I won't be able to babysit my purse.

I am really thrilled that I got the day off to go to this event. I been looking forward to it and hope it's fun. I just have to focus on the dance moves and not my past experiences at the school.

I know I am not the 15 year old anymore. It's funny how those memories can pop back up and you can feel it as if you were the 15 year old. The only difference is that when they pass.. I can live in the pleasure of knowing my daughter and having a relationship with her.

Halloween marks two years since we met face to face for the second time. I say second time because we met the first time when she was born. Our relationship isn't what I desire it to be but sure beats the days before I knew the baby that grew up into a beautiful women.

I think one sort of sad part is that we have yet to approach the subject of how her parents feel about reunion and there hasn't been any contact between her parents and myself. The closest we came to contact is that she told me her Dad said to "tell me hi" once.

There is a part of me that would love to sit down with them and talk to them ect. However, when I imgaine the conversation they are talking about how Izzy doesn't care to know me and other not so nice stuff. Don't laugh that I imagine this conversation.

Well, I need to start thinking about sleeping and hopefully I can dance right along with the best of them and not have a care in the world.

Combine all ingredients together in your slow cooker, mixing thoroughly to combine. Cook for 5 hours on low (or 3 hours on high), then serve with a side of crackers or corn chips.

I personally think it was great with corn chips. We nicked name this recipe Chili's little brother. My son hates chili with a passion and actually ate this without hassle except trying to avoid eating the beans. So, if you have a child that won't eat chili and you love it this might be a good starter point to bring them to your side.

I also tried a yummy homemade recipe of mac and cheese with the left over processed cheese. If anyone wants that recipe just let me know. Or if anyone wants calorie counts I can give ya that too. All the keepers are being entered into myfitnesspal and when I cook it again I already have a calorie count and a simple way to add it all.

Just for info this is good for maybe 4 to 6 people depending on how much ya eat.

Monday, September 24, 2012

My Zumbathon is just a few days away. In a few days, I will walk back into my junior high school and walk into the gym where the zumbathon is going to be done at. There will be hundreds of people doing zumba. I am hoping the thrill and excitment in the air will prevent me from going down memory lane. I have so many bad memories there. Some of it is the result of how the peers treated me so I suppose it's ironic that the money is being raised for bully prevention.

I am doing a huge debate to figure out. I am going alone due to not having anyone to go with. It doesn't bother me and I will probably see people from the YMCA there.

I mentioned to my friend when she asked if I was bringing anyone that I had thought about bring her daughter but concerned due to me being into zumba and not wanting to be "watching" her.

It's suppose to be a kid friendly event and a fun break dancing dance off in hour 3 of the three hours. I am thinking of bring my son and my friend's daughter but wondering if they would be okay together on their own.

I was assured there is a place for kids to hang out and activities for them. I am just on the fence if I want to share this day with kids. This will most likely be my first zumbathon and most likely I won't be able to attend another one, this year, since most of them are dong on Friday night's when I am working.

What would you do? Would you take kids with ya? I almost wish I knew someone who would be willing to go but not do zumba to be in charge of the kids.

If you haven't done zumba yet.. Google it. It takes a lot of attention and energy and my mind has to be on the moves and my body. I expect I might be more nervous due to the school and just being out of my element. There is also the bleachers knowing others might be just sitting watching it all.

I am trying to figure out what I am going to wear. In Zumba, I wear some short shorts and a tank top and I am comfortable. However, I look around and most people are covered more on the bottom with shorts down to the knees or full pants. I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb!! LOL

I am still cooking my two meals a week and have a really good recipe to share with everyone. I will try to do it tomorrow. It's an awesome fall dinner.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I survived the birthday week and Izzy did put a picture of the plant that I sent her on facebook for all to see. It was half dead from it's trip but hopefully it will bounce back. I know what she posts on facebook and what she doesn't should matter. However, when Izzy puts everything on there and not much about the things we do it does tend to bother me some.

Mostly, it gets me wondering is that a result of how her parents treat her about reunion or is reunion the big Elephant in the room that they don't talk about.

I have to remember that I have my own Elephant in my room when it comes to reunion. I have yet to actually tell my Mom about reunion. Although, she has seen pictures cause both of my sisters have showed her pictures. I haven't had the courage to talk to her about my daughter. It's not that I am ashamed of Izzy. It has some to do with fear that my Mom would say or do something to make my daughter run. I guess it's natural since she is the one who forced adoption on me. Also, I have kept most people at bay when it comes to my daughter comes down to me not wanting to share. Mine!!

I went so long not knowing Izzy and I have felt like the most important thing I could so for myself was to focus mainly on Izzy and mines relationship. Of course, she got together with my sons and she met a lot of my family. She has met the following people in order.

My little sister (Was the first day we met)
My sons (if my memory is correct. They met in Jan following the Oct when I met her)
My husband ( I believe that was Alex's 17th birthday)
My step daughter and grand daughter (they met when Izzy took Stephen to Great America) It wasn't planned. (they just showed up when they were dropping him back at home)
My Dad, my little brother, my best friend, my ex husband and a few other people that were here for Alex's graduation party in June.

I know adoptees blog at times about being left out in natural famlies and I wanted to give you all a little insight from my point of veiw. You may feel that because your not meeting the big extended family that they don't care enough for you. However, it could be the farthest thing from the truth.

They could be keeping you away due to the fact that they love you more than you will ever understand. Adoption loss isn't just about the birthparents and the adoptees. There is a lot of hurt and upset that probably effects the whole family and the recently reunited birthparent might just not be ready to move forward and share you will everyone.

There also could be a chance that their family as in extended family as in aunts in cousins just isn't a strong unit. Sure, I am friends with some of my family on facebook but the truth is that my family hasn't been a close family. I know some other counsins get together and make the effort but it seems like my brothers and sisters just are not close with any of them.

I don't know if that has to do with my Dad being the last of 7 kids and his children are much younger.

Lastly, I want to say if the birthparents are not feeling secure in their relationship with the adopee then that could affect how they proceed with bringing them into the family fold.

I am not sure if I blogged about the joke Izzy played on me saying she couldn't come to the gradation party cause she was still out shopping a few hours away. I knew she was with her Mom.

I was in tears and just couldn't get past the fact that I was going to have to tell everyone that I told she was coming that she wasn't going to make it. If I let my heart tell them why she wasn't coming. I would tell them she didn't care about us enough. I know if she doesn't show it doesn't mean she doesn't care about us. It's just how I felt. Like I would have to face everyone and everyone would know she didn't care about our relationship or family.

If I never invited her or never told anyone she was coming I would have avoided a lot of the hurt that I felt.

One week from today is my zumbathon is the same school I atteneded the year she was born. I am excited for the event but wpndering how it will feel to be there again. Hopefully, I can scratch it off as one more thing I made it past.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Does anyone know any good diabectic cookbooks? My best friend has been in and out of the hopsital and the normal stay is 7 to 10 days and she told me her husband is insisting she buy a diabectic cookbook.

My husband suggested I get one and cook her a meal for when she comes home. I have a kindle and see a few that are low cost and wondering if anyone knows the best ones out there to get?

Sunday, September 16, 2012

I mentioned that I would blog about a recipe that I tried out for my family as part of my challenge I gave myself to bring new meals to the table and give me at least twice weekly when I am doing the cooking.

The Recipe I am sharing this week is from The Incredible slowcooker cook book by Cathertine Reynolds

It's Stuffed Cabbage rolls.

Ingredients:

2 tnsp. Olive oil
1 diced yellow oninon
1/2 pound of ground turkey. (i used hamburger instead)
1 diced green pepper
6 sliced button mushrooms
1 tsp. of each. Dried Oregano leaves, dried basil leaves and paprika
1/4 tsp. each of salt and pepper
! cup of Fully cooked Wild Cabbage. (I doubled the rice but in hindsight I don't think I needed to do that)
1 Cored head of Cabbage. (get a big one) I had to learn this the hard way and send my husband out to get another one.
20 oz Pasta sauce

Instructions:
Add the olive oil and diced onions to a skillet and heat over medium/high heat. Saute the onions for 7 minutes until sofet, then add the seasonings, peppers, mushrooms and turkey meat. Continue cooking for another 7 minutes or until the turkey is brown. Note: Pay attention to only browning it. Too much cooking makes it harder to roll.
Boil the cabbage in a pot on the stive (covered halfway with water) then remove from heat once the water has reached a rolling boil. Remove the cabbage from the water once it's softened and drain it on paper towels or draining rack.
Mix the rice and turkey mixture together in a bowl, then add a scoop of the turkey mixture to the end of leaf of cabbage. Roll up the leaf up around the mixture, then place each roll into the slow cooker. Once all of the mixture is used up and all the rolls are in the slow cooker, pour the tomatoe sauce and then cook for 7 hours on low or 4 hours on high.

This was very good and made plenty but we did double the rice which is something I won't do again. This ends your first cooking class brought to you by me with the help of the cookbook. Enjoy!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I know it's just a building but I am a little concerned about an upcoming zumba event that I plan on going to. It's not only my first zumbathon. It will be the first time I set my feet back into the jr high school where I walked in as a pregnant girl and had to face the stares and jokes when I came back to school 6 weeks later.

It was a very hard year and students were the main cause of making things harder than they needed to be. I also had support and even one of them is the person that today is representing my son for his educational needs. So, I have been there for a second to drop of an IEP but never past the front office.

I am wondering if being in the same building will trigger memories long forgotten? It also happens to be the same school that Izzy went to and so did Alex. Honestly, I never went there when Alex was a student there. It was only a year and I admit my fears kept me away. Just going by the school used to take my breath away. Luckily, it doesn't have that effect on me anymore.

I am hoping it's been so long that the building is like new to me. Hoping I don't remember the building and the layout. I can imagine we will all be in the gym. I am also hoping I can go in there and remember that things are different. I know my daughter.

I get my ticket for it today and then I have a couple more weeks before the actual day of the event.

Friday, September 14, 2012

I posted pictures and some basic instructions on my private blog on how to make a homemade birthday card since Izzy loved it so much. I hope it inspires you as much as the card that I seen that inspired me to test my creativity and make a birthday card. It is a bit pricer but really worth it.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

I blogged about some changes my family is in the middle of facing. You can catch up here.

On Friday, Stephen went with his Dad and I knew Dad was leaving Sunday morning so Saturday I called about the details of picking Stephen up. It was decided that we would go with the normal thing and I would pick him up from Grandma's. Then, my ex suggested I come out to the churches rummage sale that they were having and look at exersice equipment. Stephen told Dad that I had tons of room downstairs for it.

I thought about coming out but I had just did Zumba and if I was going to eat anything before work I had to go to the store so I told him to send me pictures. They had a treadmill for twenty bucks and I said I would buy it if they got it to me and I could pay. We made arrangements for the wife to bring it to me the next day.

I got to thinking how amazing it was that Dad was spending his last day of freedome volunteering for a churge rummage sale. He was due to leave the next day for truck driving school. After thinking about it. I came to realize that most likely the money raised was for my ex husband for his send off and or for his wife.

I hadnt recieved any child support in about a month and I will be honest my first reaction wasn't being angry that my twenty probably went to my kids Dad.

I did later learn by my son telling me this information was true. I didn't ask. He just blurted that they raised 120 or so dollars for Dad and new wife.

I am not upset because one I think I got a great deal. I have a working treadmill for twenty bucks. If I fail to use it the worst I am out in twenty. I have already tried running on it. It's something that I wouldn't want to do at the Y. Walk? yes. Run? No.

Second, I am not upset even though I haven't gotten paid support for my kids cause their Dad is in a tight situation and still without electric and gas and living with Grandma. (my ex mother in law) I really give my ex a lot of credit for finding a possible way out of this bad situation. They both work for the same company so the likely hood of them getting on their feet and to fall again would be high. I really do wish him the best and hope he is good at this job.

The decision we have to make and pretty fast is what are we going to do with the every other weekend he is suppose to go to Dad's. Dad is going to be on the road a lot and I was told he would be gone 3 weeks and home four. They will most likely count the day truck driver arrives home as one and they day they leave as four. So honestly they really are not home for 4 days. That was my current husband and my Dad experience as an over the road truck driver.

New wife is offering to still pick up Stephen for the weekend and we justh have mixed emotions on this and my current husband and I don't quite a agree. I won't go into my current husband's veiw on this at the moment.

I am on the fence with it. I know Stephen is the type that likes to go. He is like his Mom in that sense. He is big into routine and I believe he wants to go even though Dad won't be there. He likes the church functions even though I don't agree with some of the actions of the church I know he likes them. There is the sleeping arrangements to consider due to them staying at Grandmas. I don't know the time frame in them getting the bills paid. I know we are going come upon school situations as in homework or school events like rec night. One issue that I have with them and not sure I can change them is that from Friday to Sunday afternoon my son ate all his meals out but one. I will be honest I still eat fast food and am still losing weight. I beleive we are making progess with my son not continue to gain.

I am not sure what the right thing to do is. I blog another time what my husband thinks based on what he has told me.

By the way, on Monday, I checked to see if I got child support and honestly I wasn't expecting to see anything yet due to the money taking awhile after he got paid. I was surpirsed to see there and I am wondering if it's the last bit of money I see until his job gets moving.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Its Izzy's 21st birthday. I didn't sleep well. I tossed and turned a lot and don't feel refreshed even though I went to bed early. I am working today which is different. I normally like to use the day as a day out with my husband but I always feel like my husband got bored fast and we just end up at home.
I sent off gifts to her for her birthday and I noticed Alex called her sis On fb. Will we get any recongition from her? Or just her primary family? I know we are fortunute to know her and all. Sometimes. Its that never ending question of when will it ever be enough? When will my heart ever be fully accepted of the situation?
I don't have any plans today besides zumba. There will not be any birthday cake. My poor husband made her a cake one year for me and it wasn't good. The cake was good but it just felt all wrong.
Hopefully, I will have a good day at work and not have any major melt downs or bitching at home. That includes me too. ;)

Monday, September 10, 2012

I had a dream that I was walking out to a car carrying a baby carrier when two men came upon us and forced us in the car. They took us to an old beat up building that was falling apart around us. I just wanted to get away safe with the baby and at one point there was some cops there talking to the bad guys to set us free.

It was one of those dreams where your life is in danger. I don't know if the building represents my middle school where I was in labor at and where I spent a long school year being made fun of cause they thought I had a baby and I said I didn't.

The reason why I am wondeing if it was the school is because besides it being Izzy's birthday I put in a day off request for a Zumbathon at THAT school.

I have been there a couple times last year due to the teacher that is helping us with Steghen's IEP but I have never spent any time in that building.

I think it's going to be a test of my strength and hoping it doesn't mess with my head. I need a clear mind doing zumba cause all focus is on moving and having fun. It's a 3 hour event so it should be fun to see if I am zumba it up for two hours. The last hour isn't zumba just fun stuff.

I don't know if I will get the day off or not. I been asking for quite a few off lately and I know I am pushing it. I hope to know by Saturday cause I have to pay for the ticket to go.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Would you like an book about adoption given to you as a gift before you did any reading on adoption. Its xalled never knowing and seems to be a wicked book one that I know I would like but not sure about my daughter. Its for her birthday.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Last night, I had a strange dream. I had a dream that Stephen was taking away from us due to his major fit throwing.
I don't know if the dream is birhtday related or my husband told me how the neighbor mentioned hearing screaming from our us.
Anyways, before i was fully awake I told my husband I had a dream he was taken away due to his screaming. I don't think my husband understood who took him away and out came my mouth. "ya know the people that take kids from bad parents"

In my dream, I recall just staying in bed. I didn't have a reason to eat breakfast or see my kid off to school. Izzy's birthday is just three days away so I imagine it could be birthday related.

Friday, September 7, 2012

I don't talk about it much but my husband hasn't worked in over a year. He stays home with my two sons and babysits our granddaughter pretty much full time. He does majority of the cleaning around here, laundry and cooking. I do a litte bit here and there but between working full time and my workout routine my husband is doing quite a bit.

At times, it's easy to get frustated if the kitchen is a mess or if something is behind like laundry. I have to take a step back and remember that he is working just as hard as me. One big difference is that I can't go to my clients house and not clean up the kitchen or not do this or that. That's where I get frustated but I know I am wrong.

I know I need to challenge myself to give a little bit more of my time at home and cooking is something that I do enjoy doing but I been slacking due to zumba.

I bought two cookbooks for my Kindle to try to get some ideas for meals and to do more cooking around here. I bought The incredible slow cooker cookbook by Catherine Reynolds.

The other one is Casseroles by Home cooking Books.

My challenge to myself is that I will cook one new meal from each book each week.

I didn't quite realize what I was getting myself into. First, I love to cook but very simple stuff and I normally shy away from recipes if I don't know the ingriedents and I am trying not to limit myself. A lot of the recipes call for spices and I have never been one with a cabinet full of spices.

Some of the recipes call for a big portion of meat and for the moment I am staying away from the expenseive cuts of meat.

It's been quite a challenge because I didn't really think about the prep time that goes into slow cooking and some of it you need to pre cook the meat and both my husband and I are like what? And how come it needs to cook for 8 hours? Just trying to trust it and just do it.

I been losing about an hour of sleep each night to eat breakfast with Stephen before he goes to school and it does give me the time to do the slow cooking recipe in the morning.

I was a little worried that these recipes would be higher in calories but so far they are not coming out too bad. I put the recipes in myfitness pal recipe box and enter the amount of servings and it tells me how many calories.

I hoping cooking like this will help me have less food wasted due to some of them needing some of the same ingriendents.

I have been doing this for two weeks now so that is four new recipes my family as tried. Everything has been pretty good and I could see making them again sometime. A couple of them I have changed up a bit to work with I had or to add or take away an ingreident to make it work for us.

My only big downside is that I take forever trying to figure out what I want to try next and that sort of makes me hungry.

I hope I am not breaking any copy writed rules but I was thinking about blogging one recipe a week here to share you my readers.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I just wanted to follow up a bit on yesterdays post about food in our household and the rules in the house.

My husband and myself don't agree 100% on these issues with food but he has pointed out ways that I do something simliar to him as in calling something "mine"

Before, I get to that though we feel that we have to make Stepen (12 year old) ask permission to eat in our household because he will over eat if we don't stop him.

In the presence of Stephen we expect Alex to ask for food instead of just taking to keep our youngest son from breaking the rules. We also expect Alex to use common sense as in if brother was told no to a an ice cream that he shouldn't even bother to ask. It honestly doesn't matter if big brother hasn't alrady had a treat like little brother. My youngest son has a hard time understanding this stuff. This doesn't mean that Alex can't ask for some ice cream when Stephen is in bed or off in his own world.

What we don't like is Alex taking things in the middle of the night because we really don't like kids up disturbing our sleep or getting us used to sleeping with noise. Stephen sleep walks and I can't not hear hi due to us just getting used to having someone walk around in the middle of the night.

I know a lot of our issues stem from Alex not living with us for a few years and Stephen growing up with a certain set of rules.

I don't ever recall before my husband moved in with me did I ever have food that was in someone house that didn't feel like it was a household item. It started with cookies and I remember being upset because I didn't like it.

My husband has pointed out to me that I do simliar things for example my soda. I buy it for myself and I am addicted and if someone just started drinking it all I would be upset. I do buy certain drinks for my kids too. I like these low calorie drinks that I buy for Stephen honestly I get upset when other people take it. For me it's a great tool to moniter how fast my son is drinking them down and that doesn't work if my husband gives it to the grandbaby.

My husband has done things simliar trying to make it as if since I picked up some ice cream that it's mine and uses that to deny the kids from eating it. I don't agree with even saying that it's "mine" just cause I bought it. Truth is that I buy and pick up about 75% of the groceries around here. I do have my items around the house that I have been using as snacks to get me through my weight loss and while I hope no one touches too much of it I never insist.

My husband has gone literly asked me if it was okay for him (husband) to eat something and I think it's funny to ask because we he is a grown up. I am honest with him that I won't play that game and ask to eat something.

I do believe it's different with children due to the fact that they are not buying groceries. It's not that they can't eat cause trust me my children eat. Besides that they are not planning the meals and that tomatoe that someone ate without checking could be going in tomorrow's dinner.

It's just we want them to have meals and hopefully with us as a family. Alex is working so it's not always possible and I would much rather him eat food that we saved them for him to buy himself fast food. I really don't mind him snacking here and there and he is 17 so I honestly don't expect him to ask permission before he most things.

I do wish for some thinking about other people and that he wouldn't come in and not take time for a meal but eat up a ton of fruit or junk food. One day I bought 4 peaches and we have 4 people here and he ate 3 of them. It's really not a huge deal but it's the principles that he doesn't live alone.

I don't think my husband treats my son has a paid renter. LOL He isn't paying us anything and hasn't been bringing his own food in. However, he will be 18 in a few months so a lot of the things we are slowly pushing him is because he is damn near an adult.

He is working and has chosen not to seek an education at the moment he won't have all his checks free to himself forever. He will have to pay rent and buy his own food if he didn't live here and sooner or later he will have to chip in around here.

I wonder if a lot of these issues would be a moot point if we are not pinching pennies. If one person does hog food up in one day or two days meant for the week then we are out until the next week on payday.

By the record, I think a family eating up a pan of brownies in one day is being pigish. Or making a blueberry bread loaf and eating it basically in a day and half is being pifish too. LOL

I know my husband and I will probably never see 100% eye to eye on this stuff. He really isn't the example on healthy eating cause he had a little bit of a eating disorder and under eats.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Alex has been working a few months now. He has made enough money to gross over 600.00 dollars so far. We know this because he asked for help in understanding the most recent check stub.

We are thrilled that he is working the 15 tp 20 hours a week. It amounts to 3 to 4 days a week and this have given him plenty of time to hang with friends. Actually way too much time with friends.

The truth is we are the bad guys right now. We have been forcing him to go to the dentist which is something his Dad didn't do in the few years he was with him. We started the process of working on his teeth before he started the GED testing and it took us a bit of time to jump back in.

I admit that I got too caught up in wanting my pool time and balancing work and taking his brother to counseling and doctors to get working on Alex again.

He has had several appointments and is pissed at us each time. I even made him figure his own way home due to me being at work. It's the first time I didn't drive to pick him up.

We have been having some issues with the job and the paycheck that comes along with it. We haven't seen Alex buy himself any clothes or anything that he may need. We have suggested to him putting a bike on layaway or anything else he feels he needs or wants.

We have suggested he add minutes to his phone other than the ones we provide. He runs out and then is out of reach. Or we suggested him getting another phone. He has yelled at us that he isn't going to get a phone until he can get a nice one. He doesn't want to walk around with a shity phone. Alex has asked my husband to add a line to his phone plan and my husband doesn't want to do this due to being stuck paying the bill if Alex didn't pay it.

If Alex is working we save his dinner but the rule he is to eat it. We had three days of dinners pile up and we don't like to see food wasted cause that is money wasted. He has been informed if enough time passes with food sitting then we won't prepare food for him.

Tonight, he came home in time for dinner and was told what time we would eat and he chose not to be home. We saved the meat that we would have cooked regardless but we didn't go out of our way to cook the potatoes for him.

These last couple issues are more things that bother my husband mostly but only me slightly.

My husband wants ten o clock adult time. If Alex is coming in later than ten due to work or being out then it's expected he use the back door and go down to his room. He doesnt like kids running around the house when we are asleep. Honestly, he probably would have to be up running around past 11am or 12 am for both of us to be sleeping.

Yesterday, my husband made a pan of brownies and my husband was mad that Alex took the last peice. My issue first at hand for myself is how come a family of four or five if we count our grand daughter ate a whole pan of brownies in one day? I had some but not much due to already dealing with a tummy ache.

Anyways, My husband told Alex it's rude to take the last of something that you didn't cook or buy. I agree with the statement but sometimes I do feel that my husband forgets that I buy groceries for everyone. My husbnad isn't a big eater but make brownies or some kind of muffins or blueberry bread he can put them away. Alex did ask for a brownie before the last one was taken during the night so it's not as if he didn't get any.

The thing is that if Alex wasn't going through our kitchen when we were sleeping he wouldn't have taken the brownies. This kind of behavior is something my youngest son would never be allowed to do.

I think part of what gets under our skin that between work and friends that we hardly ever see him and he comes in and runs for the goodies. Today, he gave me the silent on the way to the dentist and never spoke to me.

Another day, on the way home from the dentist he was told to come home and rest and called his
buddies and got out of the car when he was close enough to home and could hook up with them.

We haven't charged him rent but it's in the talks and he thinks we are crazy mean that we would demand rent. We haven't demanded him to provide meals yet but have hinted if he see's we are out of something simple like PB or jelly to pick it up since he workds in a grocery store.

Sorry for venting. It's been stressful around here. I feel like Alex taakes things personal and doesn't get everything isn't about him but how we want our household ran.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Eleven more days and it's going to be Izzy's 21st birthday. In general, the 21st birthday is big but in adoption land I think it's even bigger. Well, I suppose that can vary from state to state.

In my state, it's the year that children (adoptees) Otherwise known as grown ups at this time but not often treated like it. Can start using the registies to find their birth parents and the other way around too. I can only imagine that it's like searching for a needle in a haystack but worse.

I wonder if the 21st birthday will express any interest from her birthfather in her. I am not sure if he knows her actual birthday but I would think he knows the year.

I suppose in some sick twist of events my daughter going to the people who became her parents who didn't keep up the verbal agreement that I thought was spoken between us adopted her. They did keep her name the same and it's how I found her. If someone else got her and kept her name from me.. I could be feeling for that needle in a haystack trying to find a match.

This birthday is the first birthday that I didn't ask for the day off. It's not that I didn't want to have my day out with my husband like I normally beg for him to do but I have been needing quite a bit of time off work and they are now counting the days and limiting us to 12 requests a year.

I just decided to ride out the day at work. I wish I didn't have to work though. I will be spending part of my day with an adoptive Mother who doesn't always speak highly of one out of two of the children she adopted. I won't say more cause it's job related but sometimes I wish I could get through the day without hearing how she adopted children.

I don't know if that sounds bad but I would hope my daughter's parents can talk about their "our" daughter without always needing to bring up she is adopted. I look at it this way. I lost a child to adoption. I can talk about my child lost to adoption without always going into how I lost her and found her. Sometimes, just saying "my daughter" is enough.

I am working on her birthday stuff right now. You can check that out in my private blog.

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About Me

At the young age of 15 years old. I had a baby girl and was pushed to choose adoption. I was uneducated and uninformed on how there are different types of adoption. It has been a long lonely road as a birthmother and forever damaged the relationship I have with my Mom. I write two blogs. One I keep a little more private than the other.