Lists, Love and Equilibrium

At last, the dust seems to be settling. How do I know? I made a list. This seems like a silly indicator that equilibrium is coming home to roost. But I am the self-proclaimed Mother of All List Makers. My last impressive list was created in the middle of January from the Embarcadero Hyatt when, disillusioned by the Yoga Journal Conference, I hid out in my hotel room for the weekend and pretended I was on a writer’s retreat. Before that I had my list of New Year’s Resolutions. And before that it was Fifty Things to Accomplish in My Fiftieth Year(that one began three years ago – I’m still working on it).

Lists are about control. They make me feel safe. If I have my list I know where I am supposed to be. I know where I am going. Nothing can hurt me or distract me or pull me from my path. I have my list. Here’s my list for today:

It’s very routine. Nothing exciting. And it continues to Sunday, when I leave for San Francisco and my weeklong cadaver intensive with Gil Hedley. The most exciting moment is when I break from my Wednesday evening tradition (staying at home) in order to leave the house for a home cooked dinner with Bettie, Richard and Dena.

This week’s list reminds me of an incident that happened about eight years ago. I was going though another difficult time and decided I needed to talk with someone. At my first meeting with a therapist, I brought The Ultimate List. I was so proud. It proved I really wasn’t troubled. It proved I had my act together. The list was eight pages of 10-point single-spaced Helvetica and covered the next five years of my life. I can still see the astonishment behind the therapist’s attempt to remain neutral. She looked at me and asked,

“Why do you feel you need a list?”

Wasn’t it obvious?

I didn’t remain in therapy for very long – eight years ago there were too many doors I was unwilling to open and the ability to bore cyberspace with musings on some wacky thing called a ‘blog’ was merely a twinkle in some geek’s eye.

We all experience periods of difficulty (even yoga teachers). The goal, I suppose, is to remain functional while processing the events in our lives that have knocked us off-center. Lists keep me functional.

The danger is that they can shut us down. Put us in a box. Lists can create a life so ordered and precise that there is no room for an open heart. For love and joy. For connection.

I want love and connection. But for now, what I need is the safety of my list.

My yoga practice this week will nurture the equilibrium I’m returning to. There will be plenty of balance poses – including my favorite, Garudasana – and strong standing sequences. I feel I need the grounding precision of an alignment-based practice this week. I also need to comfort my heart, and for that I’ll turn to the organic fluidity of Yin.

When you step on your mat this week, take a moment to check in with your emotional state. If you’re leaning too far to one side, how can your practice help bring you back to center?