Archived DiscussionThis discussion is archived and locked for postingSee active discussions on October 2010 Babies

B

OT. I just am realizing I don't know my husband I've been with for 10 years...I need your thoughts!

Babyblueyes07 wrote:

So once again people are getting married and the whole batchlor party thing comes up. I am not ok with the stripper part at all and it's even worse that I'm 7 months preg. Well I just found out that when my dh cuz. Got married 3 years ago, he had at home strippers when all of us wives and gf were told that they went to the club. Well I just found out today that some of the guys were taking shots out of shot glasses with their mouths from the girls vag. I was appalled and he and his cuz said that neither of them did it and I believe that because my dh is kindof a prude. But I asked him tonight if he thought that was cheating and he said no!! I really feel like I don't know him. I asked then why he didn't do it and he said because it is gross. And I just think it is crazy that that is the reason not because it's cheating or disrespectful. So then I asked him if a girl gave a guy stripper a hand job is that cheating and he said yes! How is one cheating and not the other?? Do you think it is cheating? Are you ok with your dh going to batchlor partys with strippers? Needless to say he won't be attending the next one!!

I've been with dh since I was 18 I'll be 27 in a few months. We have been through a lot and dealt with all kinds of issues. Never cheating. I wouldn't consider strippers at a party cheating. Shots from a strippers vagina are gross, but cheating? I'd say no. Handjob yes. So I agree with your dh. I'm pretty relaxed, I don't mind porn and when we were younger dh and I went to strip clubs together. My take is don't sweat the "what ifs" trust your husband and remember he's a guy he thinks gross and that's it. He's not dissecting the emotional aspects of strippers and wives.

M

MrsSwag

@Babyblueyes07 I don't think strippers constitute cheating. Taking shots from her vajayjay is nasty, although not cheating. However, if your DH knew that it would upset you and still did it that's dishonesty. You should be able to trust him and he should be able to make responsible choices. He's telling you he did do it, so if you don't have any proof otherwise, then that's what you need to go by. I totally feel how you feel though. My DH is definitely guilty of withholding info, and that's so not cool! I'd rather get the truth from the beginning and not hear the truth layer on by accident. Men. Who knows what goes on in their heads! Lol

b

blonde_baybgurl2000

@Babyblueyes07 I don't think it's cheating, but I think it's nasty and shouldn't be done, especially out of respect for your feelings.

b

beckrbug

@Babyblueyes07 Absolutely no strippers and putting your mouth on someones bag IS CHEATING. I almost threw up for you. My God in Heaven what is wrong with these men?!?! If I found out my hubs did that sorry, I would be on the next plane outta here. If I found out someones hubs did that in front of him that man would be out of our lives. I really wish strip joints were illegal. I am so freaking upset for you and for all of us. Tell him it IS cheating!!!! OMG. I hope those guys gave every STD imaginable. Serves them right. No more bachelor parties!!!!

b

beckrbug

@Babyblueyes07 Babyblueyes I just thought of a better scenario to ask him, what do y'all think - is this cheating - taking a shot from a shotglass wedged between a guys peen and scroat. That's more on par than a handjob. I really hate this kind of crap!

b

bersnow

@Babyblueyes07 This is so funny that you posted this. My DH and I have been having this conversation for a few weeks. His best friend is getting married in a month and they were supposed to go to Denver this weekend to go to a strip club then go to a small gambling town and gamble the night away.Of course I gave him s*it about it because I think it's gross but I don't think it's cheating. When we were very first together he went to a bach party in Vegas and literally called me an hour after they left the strip club and told me all about it. That right there showed me that he was honest and gave him big bonus points. All the other guys lied to there girl friends. anyway, if he's telling you everything at least that's something.

@Babyblueyes07 Ok, I don't know if it is "cheating", but is it definitely disgusting and I would not tolerate it from my husband. Yuck! I just can't get over how many STD's that stripper might have had! Ok, so mb it is cheating. I guess you could argue that if it could, in theory, transmit STDs, it is cheating! Anyway, regardless of whether it is cheating or not, he didn't do it. However, why the hell wouldn't he tell you about it? It seems like if my husband went to a bachelor party and people were doing dumb stuff like that he would tell me about it just because he was appalled at the disgusting stuff that went on. About the upcoming party, I guess right now I would be really uncomfortable with my DH going somewhere with strippers and stuff simply because I feel so damn unattractive! I would not like it anyway, but especially now.

n

nooneinparticular

@Babyblueyes07 Did this happen three years ago? Personally, it sounds very gross, but at least he didn't do it. I'm against strip clubs. I don't know if it's cheating, but I don't think it helps a marriage...

My husband went to some when he first came home from Iraq. He also did a lot of other unacceptable things behind my back. I don't think he considers it cheating because he didn't have sex with anyone (though I still have my suspicions). Luckily, after some help for his other problems and a closer relationship with God, he is against strip clubs now, or he at least won't be going to any more while married to me.

The problem might just be a difference in morals. I grew up thinking strip clubs were immoral. My husband grew up with family that encouraged going to them. So he comes to it from a different perspective. Since becoming a Christian, he now shares my views about it, but without that change he'd probably still think it's fine. Society seems to say that if the man's not going inside of a woman, any other sexually-charged activity is fine. It's a difference in expectations.

L

LillyandCysMommy

@Babyblueyes07 The way I look at it is, if it was MY vagina and a guy was taking a shot out of it.. my husband would consider that cheating. So why would it be ok for him to take a shot from some other person. And Im ok with porn and most strip clubs as long as there is no back room crap going on. But THAT is just gross. Think about how many gross diseases you can get like that. Ew.

L

LillyandCysMommy

I dont get how it couldnt be cheating. Its a sexual act. You really think these men didnt lick around the cup? When you take body shots you lick the skin around the shot.. I would be shocked if there was no licking or sucking on the womans vag prior to or after the shot took place. THAT would be oral sex.. which would be worse, to me, than a handjob.

A

AdrianM

I agree with what Suzi said. My husband and I have a very similar relationship. He did alot of things in the beginning, before we were married, that I found out about and lost it. I just grew up with different morals and was in counseling for years because my first husband was cheating and it was horrendous how I found out (think about how it would have felt to find all the pictures and videos of him with these girls...in the act).

Anyway, my husband and I found our way closer to God, and that started shaping our relationship in a whole new way. We actually had this conversation before we got married, since fidelity was part of our vows. We discussed what our exact definition of "cheating" really was, and then came to a common definition of what was acceptable and what was not. To us, cheating is ANYTHING you wouldn't do with your spouse sitting next to you. That means, an intimate conversation with a friend/co-worker, flirting, stripper vagina shots, etc.

I think communication is key with this subject. So many people grew up with so many different examples and role models, and created their own definition of cheating. It's never too late to communicate and come up with your own rules and guidelines for your marriage. Then everyone is aware of the expectations ahead of time.

I love this.... cheating is ANYTHING you wouldn't do with your spouse sitting next to you...so true!!!

a

asc14

@Babyblueyes07 Well, I wouldn't say it was cheating, but I also am SO NOT okay with strippers. Luckily, my DH's group of friends are not likely to be having any at their bachelor parties. He knows that I'm not okay with it. His friends wives aren't okay with it and I'm glad I'm not the only wife who isn't! Power in numbers, lol.

To me, cheating is anything that takes your sexual focus away from your spouse. That includes porn, strip clubs, taking a shot from another woman's vajayjay (GAG!! that is just deplorable!), etc. I'm a Christian and in the Bible it says that if you sin in your heart (like say, fantasizing sex with that stripper you see on the pole) Â then you have sinned. To me, that means it's cheating.Â Â DH and I have talked in depth about this and we both feel the same way. Â His military buddies will go out during their drill weekends sometimes to places like strip clubs and instead he stays in his hotel room and calls me. I hope that OP can talk this through with her hubby and he will understand how she feels. Even if he doesn't agree, he should be understanding enough to respect your wishes and not do it because you are not comfortable with the idea.Â

s

sm59603

@Babyblueyes07 To me, this is not cheating. But, I think it's more defined by what you are comfortable with the other person doing; it's such a relative subject it's impossible to really define what constitutes cheating.

That said, I love gentleman's clubs. Just because a woman is a stripper does not mean she is riddled with diseases or lacks morals, I completely disagree with that line of thinking.

My question is, was this girl doing a headstand or what?

L

LillyandCysMommy

@sm59603 There is a difference between a girl that would work at a gentlemans club and someone you would find that would do housecalls with shot glasses in her vagina imo. Like I said, I have no real issue with strip clubs as long as there is minimal physical contact going on. But when you take a shot from someones vagina, I still would find it hard to believe that there was no oral contact being made with the girl. And IMO the type of girl that would do that at a house call would probably have been found in a newspaper ad and not the most reputable.

What to Expect has thousands of open discussions happening each day. We work hard to share our most timely and active conversations with you.Archived discussions are usually a bit older and not as active as other community content.We keep them up because there are a ton of great conversations here and we believe you deserve to see them all.

The material on this website is provided for educational purposes only and is not to be used for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, or in place of therapy or medical care. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy.