The Family (Or most of them)

September 29, 2006

Our noses can be amazing things, crucial to our understanding of the world and in fact an organ that provides us with one of the most critical senses to our survival.

They can lead us to love and amour and to babies that need to be changed; they can also warn of us danger and set in motion our flight or fight response.

But they can also detect odors that are almost enough to make us vomit.

And when this happens at your place of employment -- as it did at mine yesterday -- it's enough to make your face turn green.

This, for the uninformed, is a red snapper. In this form, and on its own, it's a beautiful fish, although I have never eaten one before. No, the offender yesterday was this.

Red snapper, apparently microwaved in the cafeteria downstairs, and brought up somehow unnoticed to our third-floor office by a wanker of an employee who likes to eat at his desk.

Almost immediately, the unbelievably rank odor of this animal started wafting its way through the entire newsroom and into the olefactory sensory thingies of about 100 noses.

At first, we all laughed. Then somebody found a reference on the Web to how a chemical called arsene (I'm assuming it's where arsenic comes from) can smell like cooked or fried fish.

The smell was so bad, people could not work. Passing supervisors were asked what the smell was. Someone, only half-jokingly, wondered if the office should be evacuated and the HazMat unit called.

Eventually, someone tracked this guy down. He sits in a little cubbyhole behind some screens where no one can see him.

And when the entire office converged on him to express their displeasure (in a joking way) and tease him about polluting us all, his thing was, "What did I do?"

There's enough putrid smells at work as it is, on occasion, with people kissing bosses' asses at times and with the stinky stench of people talking behind others' backs.

He has the right to eat whatever he wants, of course. But did he have to bring into the office and make everybody else smell it? I don't think so. Or maybe our Health and Safety committee needs to provide noseplugs.

What are some of the dunderhead, inconsiderate, me-first things you've seen fellow employees do at your place of work? Or do you think this guy was fully within his rights to do what he did?

September 27, 2006

OK, soI shamelessly stole this from a friend who emailed it to me, who herself yanked it off the Web from the BBC.

Isn't it just the cat's ass, though?

Does beg the question, however...what's the best way of breaking up with someone? Is there a breakup etiquette, a set of rules, do's and don'ts? I think my top 5 would be...

1. DON'T do it over the phone.

2. DON'T do it by email.

3. DON'T do it while you're both arguing.

4. DO it when you're both calm and it's clear something is very wrong.

5. DO it sensitively and once you're convinced it just won't work.

Can there be best or worst breakups? And would YOU use the service below?

Agency makes breaking up easier

A German businessman has set up a "separation agency" - a service to inform unsuspecting spouses and lovers their partners no longer want them.Bernd Dressler will deliver the bad news - for those too scared to do it themselves - for 20 euros (£13) by phone, or for 50 euros (£33) in person.The efficiency and directness of Mr Dressler's manner has earned him the nickname The Terminator.The 52-year-old compares his company to a dating agency but "in reverse"."We have had dating agencies for 30 years. If you want to have a new partnership then you have to quit your previous one. I think it's the same market - just in reverse," Mr Dressler told the BBC.The message can be delivered in a "sympathetic or direct manner". Mr Dressler said that most of his clients do not want any further contact with their ex-partner.The client is asked to provide three reasons why they want to terminate the relationship - these are then passed on by the agency to the former lover."The time is right for this service. Many clients are unhappy in their partnerships and they want to end it in a neutral way," Mr Dressler said.The former insurance manager said he has been fortunate never to have witnessed any extreme emotional reactions."I am only the messenger," he said.

September 25, 2006

OK, I'VE TAKEN THE CHALLENGE.AND I'M HOLDING NONE OF THE EVIDENCE BACK.

Andrea latched on to some fridge meme or something or other and told us about it, baring her kitchen germ magnet for all to see (of course, it was spotless, but appearances aren't everything).

Then Cherry Pie followed...and there was booze galore in her fine, clean appliance. This was becoming a female fridge frenzy, and it needed some male intervention.

So here I am.

Keep in mind I am single and have two teenage kids who visit at least every second weekend but who show up more often than that.And that Homo Escapeons visits once a week and makes more of a mess than the two of them and me combined. Plus, I live in an apartment...this ugly thing is what I'm stuck with.So I open my home -- and my fridge door -- to the world, with chest-pounding male pride.

Note above that I even opened up the -- yech -- vegetable and fruit drawers. I'm not sure what's in there, but you don't want a closeup view. Here, for your inspection and likely gasps, is another...

And just for good measure and in the interests of honesty, I give you these following closeups.

On the left (and I moved something over to reveal this in the interests of disclosure) is a stain that some woman would have spotted anyway, underneath the Pepsi carton.

On the right, well, now that IS truly gross. You probably can't make it out very well but it's dried something-or-other hanging from the little wire thingies on the shelf. My guess is dried milk but I can't exactly be sure. Any theories?

A woman with a great sense of humor (who loved my domestic hygiene and supportiveness but gave me the heave-ho anyway, silly girl) offered me as a birthday gift the book below.

It is now my bible but doesn't say a whole heck of a lot about cleaning fridges and stoves. And that's for my next post...my stove and, more specifically, my oven. I kinda like this meme thing, except now I have to go clean my fridge.

September 23, 2006

GAUTAMI TRIPATHY, who claims to be a fast runner, would have been like the turtle to the hare as soon as I read that she had tagged me for this book meme thing that's been going around.I left her in the dust, actually, in Delhi (a beautiful, magical city, by the way).I thank her for the honor, of course. But the fact is, despite the fact I write for a living, I do NOT actually read all that much and do not have the voracious appetite for books that might seem to be automatic.Professionally, I actually find it's a GOOD thing I don't read so much. Because when I interview people, I'm not necessarily asking them things I already know about or have formed an opinion about from previous reading.I have a curiosity and a lack of bias. And I find people appreciate and respect that and open up more as a result.Anyway, that's my rationale and I'm sticking to it.Nonetheless, I HAVE read many books. And here is my response to the questions in the meme...1.Name a book that's changed your life.

I'm not sure ANY book has really "changed my life" but if there is one, this is it. I first read it when I was up in northern Canada working at a fish plant, processing fish caught in South Indian Lake by aboriginals.I had plenty of time in between shifts, waiting for the fish to be flown in on a float plane. Then we'd work for 12 hours straight. This book talks all about the predictable stages of our life cycle in a very human, feeling way. It was groundbreaking at the time (the late 70s/early 80s).The timing probably had a lot to do with its impact on me. I had just returned from a landmark event of discovery in my life, a five-month overland bus trip from England to India and back, and I was starting to figure out what I wanted and who I was.I read it twice that summer, so this book is also the answer to question No. 2,Name a book you've read more than once. Weirdly enough, I have also now started reading it again, before Gautami tagged me for this meme.(Another strange twist is that Delhi, where Gautami lives, is one of the most incredible places I visited and got to know a bit on that trip, which was spent for the most part travelling throughout India).3. Name one book you'd like to have on a desert island.

I don't give two hoots about all the goofy controversy over this work of art and Christianity's attempts to knock it off the block. I was gripped by it right from the get-go and would read it again in a heartbeat. I could not put it down.

4. Name a book that made you laugh.

I've since gotten a little tired with his style, but if you're in the mood and have the kind of sense of humor I do, you can't help but snicker all your way through this.

5. Name a book that made you cry.

And many others like it as my marriage broke up out of the blue several years ago, but in retrospect not really so out of the blue. I needed answers and perspective. I'm now divorced. I'm single, although happily that way now and enjoying being involved with other women.

Child support is a huge financial burden and I don't see my kids on a daily basis. I'm a part-time dad. Enough said.

6. Name a book you wish had been written.

This book probably HAS been written, but I just haven't stumbled upon it:

DIGGING TOO DEEP

Why people complicate their lives by planting their seeds so far underground they'll never germinate and give them the growth or answers they're thirsting for

7. Name a book you wish had never been written (you might want to go on to No. 8 if you are a devoutly religious person).

My intent is not to offend. But this is my honest response, and I was raised in a Catholic family and was an altar boy in a Roman Catholic church.

The Bible, the Bhagavad Gita, the Koran and any other volume that was written centuries ago that people in the year 2006 use as the basis for their religious faith is included in my list, although I can only truly speak about the Bible, which I have not read in its entirety.

And never would.

My problems with any religious texts are many. Who wrote them, how accurate are they, that was then this is now, the fear factor (believe THIS or you'll go to hell), the competition among the religions, how these words using "thou" and all can be germaine in the 21st Century.

But most of all, how they can strip every individual of their freedom and responsibility to make their own observations about what's true and false or right and wrong and act accordingly, rather than having it dictated to them by scripture of unproven origin or logic in today's world.8. Name a book you're currently reading.Actually, the reading material I find myself most with are things like National Geographic, Men's Health, Psychology Today and Time. But a book I'm currently re-reading is the following:

It's not a religion so much as a way of life that makes some sense to me. My dad amazed me a couple of years ago by actually having this book in his collection. He gave it to me. And I like the message.

9. Name a book you've been meaning to read.

I wonder what differences there are between Passages and Men's Passages. We'll find out.

Please enjoy these samples below of the kinds of minds that will be inaugurated on Jan. 1, 2007, to begin dealing with political and religious leaders to usher in the dawn of a new global era of co-operation.

September 19, 2006

OK, ALL I'VE BEEN BLOGGING ABOUT LATELY ARE THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS -- DEATH AND RELIGION AND NOSEHAIRS.

Well, one of the neat little things to emerge from all that crapola was a little exchange between Lee of Australia and Canada's own MJ, who got to talking about Michael Palin and John Cleese.

So it occurred to me, don't they say laughter is the best medicine? Isn't humor the only way to REALLY look at things? Don't the Pope and Dubya and other fruitcakes need some sunshine pumped up their ass?

Why don't we form a World League of Humor, comprised of 10 of the planet's funniest people, who would be called in to resolve global issues such as war, unnecessary invasions and ideological clashes?

These 10 comedians could be appointed by the UN or by a mass show of hands on a certain day around the world, and they would be summoned whenever some big tiff broke out on a religious or political issue.

They could hear all sides of the story, tell some jokes, poke holes in the illogic of all sides and then propose a binding solution that be televised and webcast internationally.

Problems solved. People laughing.

If you're interested, please note some of the world-famous comedians and commediennes below and feel free to cast your votes or to provide your own 10 favourite funny people.

September 18, 2006

I had fully intended on writing a post detailing my constant laughable battle with blogger and other sites which prompt me to allow them to "remember me" and my password, but which never do.Then, on Monday, I was going to post about this news: four Canadian soldiers, all of them from a military base about two hours' drive from where I live, blown to smithereens by a suicide cyclist in Afghanistan.A suicide cyclist? Four lives, snuffed out, by a cyclist with a bomb attached to his body? And we're in Afghanistan, a place that should be left to its own devices, FOR THIS?But no, that insanity would just be more of the same, like those stupid reality TV shows that are about anything other than reality, which if actually shown on TV would result in mass suicide.Then I found this: something that's truly novel, that encapsulates our primal need to escape what is REALLY happening on the planet and the answer to all of our quests for a peaceful existence:

LEAVE THE PLANET!!!!

World's first female space tourist blasts off for ISS

A Russian Soyuz spaceship carrying the world's first female space tourist and a two-man crew of the International Space Station (ISS) lifted off on Monday from its launch pad in the Kazakh steppe.Russian cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin, U.S. astronaut Michael Lopez-Alegria and Iranian-born American Anousheh Ansari, who will visit the station as a tourist, rode aloft aboard the Soyuz TMA-9 vessel.The Soyuz capsule entered orbit about 10 minutes after launch, according to the Mission Control outside Moscow. It will dock with the ISS on Wednesday after hurtling two days in space.Ansari, 40, who runs a telecommunications company in Texas, will conduct a series of blood and muscular experiments for the European Space Agency during her eight-day stay on the orbiting outpost.Previous space tourists reportedly paid about 20 million U.S. dollars for a ride aboard the Soyuz. Tyurin and Lopez-Alegria will replace Russian cosmonaut Pavel Vinogradov and U.S. astronaut Jeffrey Williams, who have been working on the space station since April. Ansari will return to Earth on Sept. 29 with Vinogradov and Williams.Source: Xinhua

September 17, 2006

My daughter is now 18 and in her first year of university. My son is now 14 and about to become the lead singer in a band.Today, I'm going to go out and buy a birthday gift for another little guy whose birthday party I've been invited to this afternoon, and who will turn 5 tomorrow.He calls me uncle, even though we're not related.And as he turns 5, he's completely oblivious to the stark and stupid reality that two of the world's biggest religions are fighting a war of words that is at the heart of all that's wrong on the planet.On a global scale, the new pope of Christianity has infuriated and offended all of Islam with some stupid remarks he supposedly dredged up from centuries ago.He's being burned in effigy in India and Muslims in every corner of the planet, predictably, are outraged. There have now been threats made that suicide bombers will invade the Vatican.Benedict initially responded with press releases quoting him as being very sorry for any offence, but stopped short of an unqualified apology.Muslims in Turkey, Indonesia, Pakistan -- everywhere -- are incensed.Later, he appeared before pilgrims outside a palace in Rome and said he was deeply sorry, but added that the words he quoted from the Byzantine era were not something he personally believed.Then why the hell did he quote them?Meantime, the so-called War on Terror being fought under false pretenses and initiated by George Bush rages on in Iraq and Afghanistan, with Iran possibly next...all Islamic states.And back in my little burg, one of the main stories in our paper today shows how an Islamic mosque was defaced this weekend, spray-painted with swastikas and other things in what is being called a hate crime.We continue to exchange barbs in an ideological battle of one-upmanship that seems to have as its only aim the immature childhood argument of my dad's better than your dad.My teenagers -- who have among their friends Chinese, Koreans, Pakistanis, Indians and many from the Middle East -- are watching all this crap and saying "What the heck are they doing?""Why can't they just leave each other alone?"Thankfully, the little guy who will turn 5 tomorrow doesn't have a clue about all this. He'll be walking back to school, happy to be with his friends again and learning his ABC's and how to socialize.And revelling in the birthday booty he gets today.But what's in store for any of these unknowing kids tomorrow?

September 16, 2006

BEING A SPORTS EDITOR AT A MAJOR CANADIAN DAILY NEWSPAPER BRINGS WITH IT EXCEEDINGLY IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITIES IN TERMS OF ADVANCING GLOBAL UNDERSTANDING.As a result, businesses, publicists, public relations hacks, spin doctors and anyone with any sort of desire for free publicity in order to promote their interests and make more money is constantly trying to compete for my attentions...And space in the newspaper.Here is one pitch that I found rather funny. If you have the next six minutes and 11 seconds of your life to spare, feel free to watch the YouTube presentation below, after you have read this company's pitch, which obviously is really only about their latest golf club products...Dear Editor:On Thanksgiving day, in an event that has been approved by NASA, Element 21 Golf Company is commemorating the 35th anniversary of Alan Shepard's golf shot on the moon.

Cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin will hit a gold-plated golf ball with a gold-plated 5 iron during a space walk. The club is made from e21 Metal, a patented technology composed primarily of scandium, a material used in missiles, aerospace applications and the International Space Station.

Tyurin is scheduled to launch Monday, September 18, and the international space station offers the ability to conduct live interviews with him from outer space.

The following video is currently available: -Tyruin practicing (he has no prior golfing experience) with Hall of Fame LPGA pro Carol Mann -Tyruin practicing underwater in Russia to understand the feel of hitting a ball in outer space.

AND THEN FUMBLES FOR AN EXPLANATION WHEN THEY ACTUALLY GO OUT AND DO EXACTLY WHAT THEY'VE BEEN SAYING THEY'RE GOING TO DO?

Our political correctness is killing us all.

My question to fellow bloggers, though...

Should this crazy have been found out long before he killed yesterday? As a blogger, do you think you're being monitored and regardless, do you think government authorities SHOULD be monitoring the Web for crazies like this?

One of the many stories is below (this is an updated Canadian Press story from Thursday afternoon that addresses the monitoring of blogs and the Web by authorities).

OTTAWA -- Canada’s police forces employ 61,000 but only 245 officers track criminals online, which has experts wondering how police can catch murderers online before they kill.Kimveer Gill, 25, posted several disturbing messages in an online blog, including his desire to die in a “hail of bullets,” which has prompted a number of questions about how much police forces should invest in cybercrime units.Gill is believed to have stormed into Montreal’s Dawson College on Wednesday, shooting indiscriminately at horrified students. When his rampage was over, one woman was dead and a dozen others were rushed to a nearby hospital, many in critical condition.Ian Helms, president of the Canadian Association of Police Boards, said senior law enforcement officials are pushing for the creation of a national cybercrime strategy.Helms said police need to have the ability to monitor a suspect’s Internet activity in a way similar to a telephone tap. Officials expect the Conservative government to reintroduce the so-called lawful access bill that would allow police to have more leeway to track people online.Although a number of Internet service providers stirred controversy when they warned their customers that they may soon be subject to this surveillance, police stress the law would simply allow officers to catch up with online criminals.“Let me put it this way - it’s about 80-0 for the bad guys right now,” Helms said. “We’re trying to find a different route to find the same criminals.”University of Ottawa Prof. Michael Geist, an Internet law expert, said Canada already has laws that allow police to effectively prosecute online troublemakers. The problem, he said, is that there aren’t enough officers dedicated to working on the Web to catch them.“The numbers are very small, so I don’t think there are adequate resources,” he said.At the Internet crime conference in Toronto, police officials said most of the 245 online officers are dedicated to tracking pedophiles.John Pungente, president of the Canadian Association of Media Education Organizations, said working to catch criminals online is further complicated by the many bogus claims people make on the Internet.“The problem is you don’t know if someone’s just being a teenager,” he said.Gill posted dozens of photos of himself on the VampireFreaks.com website brandishing guns and knives. On his blog, Gill stated that he was filled with hatred and obsessed with guns.He also said people would soon come to know him as the Angel of Death.Helms said there is something police and youth can do to help prevent tragedies like the Dawson College shootings.“If the gentleman was on the Web, then he was obviously talking to people,” Helms said. “We need to educate people about the proper way to contact the authorities about this.”In Britain, Helms said, police officials have set up an online network that young people can use to report crimes anonymously without having to tell their parents. The tactic has worked well in catching pedophiles, Helms said.

Meanwhile, a disturbing video game that recreates the horrific Columbine school shootings in Colorado should not be blamed for the Dawson College shootings in Montreal, experts say.The game, “Super Columbine Massacre”, allows users to enter Columbine High School and recreate the massacre that left 13 dead in 1999.Gill boasted in an Internet posting to have frequently played the violent game.But experts say the reasons for Gill’s rampage are far more complicated than the influence of a single video game, an expert said.“The world, as usual, is more complex than we’d like it to be,” said Ian Bogost, a professor at the Georgia Institute of Technology, in Atlanta, Ga.Bogost, who designs video games and operates a video game blog, said the Columbine game is becoming a convenient scapegoat. The Montreal shooting, he said, is likely rooted in much deeper problems.“Certainly, Gill was using media of all kinds to culture his antisocial fantasies,” he said. “Should we hold (this game) responsible?“Clearly, these are overly simplistic explanations.”Bogost points out that Gill also listed dozens of other video games among his favourites, some of which are far more detailed and graphic than the Columbine game.“Super Columbine Massacre” features simplistic, cartoonish graphics where users can enter the school’s cafeteria and begin shooting students.The game has circulated exclusively through the Internet based on underground channels. The creator has claimed that the game has been downloaded 40,000 times.John Pungente of the Association for Media Literacy, based in Toronto, said each generation has fought battles over the issue of violence in the media. Parents once thought comic books too violent, he said, and there have been clashes over violent cartoons and movies.“You can’t blame the media,” Pungente said. “People have been doing these violent things since before there was even media.”Parents need to teach their children to distinguish between what they see on video screens how they should behave in real life, he said.“Parents certainly have to be more aware of what their children are seeing.”Pungente’s organization has lobbied to have media literacy included in all school curriculums across Canada.Those who blame violent video games also need to explain why only a tiny minority of players behave violently when away from their computer screen, he said.

September 11, 2006

(NOTE: No actual males were harmed and no scientific experiments were performed in the formulation of this post; although some of you may be thinking they should have been.)

THEHUMAN MALE -- NEXT TO THE HUMAN FEMALE, IS THEMOST HIGHLY EVOLVED CREATURE ON THE PLANET EARTH.A marvel of natural selection or cruel fate, the human male's ways are the product of countless generations of growth of his brain and sexual organs to make him what he is today.

He has walked on the moon; he has started all wars; he has invented all religions; he has brought about the advent of pro sports, TV, sex, fart jokes and politics in all its forms.He is George Bush, Henry the Eighth, Adolph Hitler, Bill Gates, Barry Bonds. He is the priest in your local parish, the glad-handing mayor during election time, the slick car salesman.He is also the git who forgot to take out the garbage, who can't remember birthdays or what you said to him two minutes ago, who can't lift a toilet lid and then can't aim properly anyway.The human male can at once melt the heart of a female with such charming characteristics but then can belch, fart and otherwise -- Doh! -- become a beer-guzzling, insensitive cretin.A breakthrough scientific analysis of the male human brain has been carried out in an attempt to once and for all pinpoint the unique traits of this organ that make modern man what he is today.To start, we need to look at a typical brain of a male living in North America in 2006. These are startling new findings stolen from a website on the Internet, apparently produced by a female.Click on the diagram below in the hope of making it bigger. If it remains the same size, then ha ha ha! It's the writer's tiny male brain not having a clue as to how to help you!!!

You will immediately note the prevalence and larger size of some glands, nerve centres and governing grey matter characteristics over key behavioral areas. And the under-developed size of some others.

This is for good reason, developed over the millenia, based primarily on the need to counter the parallel yet quite different evolution of the female brain, in order to ensure the continuance of the species.

As the diagram illustrates, the primary role of all males, above all else, is to not answer personal questions, to not pay attention, to not iron clothes and to not listen.

Subgroups of this behavior include not washing dishes, not making the bed, making a big stink while changing babies' diapers, listening to babies cry and being generally unreliable in comparison to the human female.

Instead, it appears, males mostly enjoy pursuing other activities, such as the following:

T

There are many sound evolutionary reasons for men's focus on sex, teasing females, competing with one another and having time to themselves to drink, fart and be merry.

1. Men are the hunters/gatherers, responsible for both securing the food supply and protecting females and children and, for that matter, to impregnate females which thereby results in the reproduction of children.

There may be other reasons, but we are too tired to think of them right now. We invite interested readers to provide their own philosophies, beliefs or comments, in the interests of furthering global understanding.

The world of Farcebook

I have kids on Farcebook. And friends. And a fiance. And all are very intelligent human beings.

I am on Farcebook myself. But it is the TV of life now. It is the simple, devoid of ideas, unintelligent way of humans communicating. I am not saying people who don't Farcebook are any more intelligent, necessarily.

They are people who , I believe, are like newspaper readers are to television viewers --people of more depth -- and I mean that with no disrespect.

And they are people who need and want more depth, not less, in their lives.