Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got crazy people you support in your client group. I get it.

When's the last time you had to create a handbook so male flight attendants on a company jet could parade around in boxers and a popped polo collar?

That's what I thought. Stop complaining, stat. Here's some crazy stuff too good not to share from a recent age discrimation lawsuit filed against Abercrombie & Fitch and CEO Mike Jeffries. Let the freak flags fly, courtesy of what appeared on Gawker late last week:

"The 40+ page "Aircraft Standards" manual used by employees working aboard the company's corporate jet was introduced as evidence in a lawsuit filed in 2010 by one of Jeffries former pilots (now 55) who claimed he was fired on the basis of age discrimination and replaced by a younger man.

The environment described in the manual is the stuff of micromanaging urban legend. Here are some of its finer points:

Model Employees

Flight attendants are hired by a New York-based company called Cosmopolitan Management that provides models and actors "with just the right look and personality [because] appearances do make a difference," to work as event staff, trade show hosts, and personal assistants. The same company also provides staff for Jeffries' home.

While flying the frantic skies, flight attendants are instructed not to use the phrases "sure" or "just a minute" when addressing either Jeffries or his partner Matthew Smith. Instead, they are instructed to respond to requests by saying "no problem." Problems are not permitted.

Dressing for Excess

Crew members are provided with the standard uniform of the guy with rage issues questioning his sexuality on every season of The Real World: boxer briefs, jeans, polo shirts, flip flops (to be worn in flight and when greeting passengers), a belt, a winter coat, a hat, gloves, sunglasses, and sweatshirts.

They are instructed to spritz these items with Abercrombie & Fitch 41 cologne "throughout the duration" of their shifts.

Winter is when things get complicated. Staff members are only permitted to wear their coats when it is 50 degrees or colder, and collar popping is mandatory (come correct). Buttons and zippers might as well have their own manual:

"Zip the jacket up to the fourth button from the bottom. The lowest button should be left undone, but the next three buttons up should be fastened."

Hats and gloves are permitted when the temperature is below 40 degrees. Hat brims should be two inches thick and pulled "so that it is approximately in the middle of the forehead," which is to say EXACTLY in the middle of the forehead.

"All staff must coordinate wearing the sunglasses."

Soundtrack of Adventure

Crew are required to play Phil Collins' "Take Me Home" over the jets intercom whenever the jet takes off on return flights home.

Before guests go to sleep, flight attendants are instructed to "spray the bedding with sleep spray."

Middle Fingerprints

The Abercrombie & Fitch jet, like the headquarters of Men in Black, is a 100% fingerprint-free zone. Finger prints must not be visible on seat belts, "the credenza, cabin door, galley door, [or] the cabinet doors in the lavatory."

You want to work for me at Kinetix? The good news is that I don't use Cosmopolitan Management to provide candidates with the right look and personality.

Comments

Love Pandora, but I think Spotify is better for finding new music. With that being said two Pandora stations I always recommend are 1) 80's Cardio - its a guilty pleasure, 2) Christmas in Hollis - my favorite station from the day after Thanksgiving until 12/26.