February 16, 2011

In a pretty frightening scene, Chakky straight up fainted while up 5-3 in the second set over Caro, and was forced to retire one point later after she gamely tried to continue. The official word is gastroenteritis.

February 15, 2011

Chakky chopped off her ponytail. Like, she just...chopped it. IT'S GONE. And her facial expression there pretty much reflects mine when I heard the news.

This is the end of an era. An era of innocence and freedom. A post-modern bohemian renaissance that embraced the free exchange of ideas and culture, that strove for enlightenment and knowledge at all cost, that honored individuality and shunned corporate conformity. An era where it was totally dope to have a ponytail that hung down to your ass. An era when having it whip back and forth didn't automatically cue up horrible music made by children that adults pretend to like, but really, it's children making crap music that panders to adults and goddammit, why can't children just be children anymore?

Like I said. End of an era. Arcade Fire won Album of the Year at the Grammys. THE FUCKING GRAMMYS. ARCADE FIRE.

We live in a different world now, you guys, and to be honest, I don't know what the rules are anymore.

July 23, 2010

Holy Ess. Chakky's into the semifinals in Portoroz after surviving a match point down to Dushevina. Meanwhile, Petko-hater Cone is into the semis in Bad Gastein. Did we go back in time? My head hurts and my flux capacitor is steaming.

June 17, 2010

The WTA player party. What can you say? Normally I tune in for the fashion, hair, and makeup disasters. But I have to say, the Ladies did ok for themselves this year. I mean, Aga's once again dressed as a Jersey hooker, but hey, the girl's got a look that she's sticking with. Commitment is 90% of fashion.

Masha, impeccably dressed as an homage to the trophy her boy won tonight. I don't think the photos do that dress justice. A stunning piece if seen in person, methinks, especially when worn by a 6'1'' Masha.

Accessory win.

movingrightalong...

Kimiko is adorable despite the fact that she's being attached by the Grimace's shredded entrails. And can we please stop thinking that ballet flats are appropriate "event" wear?

I mean, she looks great. But she also looks 15 years older. PEEP TOE, DINARA!

You kids are adorbz, even if it does look like the Eastern European version of Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion.

Beautiful makeup and hair, and a great dress that needed about 15 minutes with a tailor. The hem is killing me.

...

Awesome sex hair.

I love this dress minus the frills on the shoulders.

Bepa!

Amber Alert!

Winner. Perfect hair, the dress fits perfectly, heels are beautiful and understated. She looks like she rolled out of bed like this. Bomb.

You could fit the entire continent of Serbia between Charlotte and Samantha.

June 10, 2010

That is Alison Riske. She is an American. She is ranked 185. She made it through qualifying in Birmingham (somehow) and took out CanWoz in straights and A-Chak in three today. All I'm saying is that she made a lot of people sad today. Except maybe her parents.

May 23, 2010

"So what I'm gonna do is I'm going to hit more to his forehand, like high topspin, and push him back behind the baseline. Then I'm going hit this shot, have you heard of it? It's called a forehand drop shot. Anyway, apparently it works on clay. I just figured this out. Yeah, I know, I'm brilliant. So like I was saying..."

January 01, 2010

Auckland has always been my second favourite tournament of the new season (behind Hopman Cup, natch), because of the stupidly Morning Zoo-like antics that go on around it. (For those lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the concept of "Morning Zoo", click here.) I mean...

So far this year, they seem to be trying to make Flavia into the Horse Whisperer. New Zealand is weird.

Interesting Questions: How will Yanina play after the suspension debacle? WTHIGOW Domi, Sania, Alize, Marina Erakovic, Chakky, Makiri, Kaia and Shahar? (Yes, they are all in this draw.) What the fuck stunts will players be required to participate in for our amusement this year?

June 16, 2009

I'm not entirely sure how a struggling Chakky beats a well-rested JJ on grass in the first round. But it happened. And it was a head scratcher. JJ blamed the change in surface and lack of motivation:

"It took me a while to get the rhythm out there. And
then for some reason from staying so low and getting those low balls my
legs got so tight and so tired, and especially in the third set I
didn't have the energy in my legs anymore to bend down."

"It was obviously my first match on grass. I'll play Wimbledon and then we'll see. At least I can take a few
weeks off then. I wish I could take a break now. I need to get to where
I want to play tennis again."

Yikes.

Another head scratcher? Not that Kuz lost to CanWoz, but that she got bageled in the first set and only took three games off of her. But we'll cut The Kuz some slack here. She's not a robot:

"I played for two months on clay and I have it almost in my blood. I
don't have to think about the tactics. I know how to defend, how to
attack and what time; how to serve and this and that. And on this
surface, everything is opposite. For me, it's too much to change in
three days."

The less shocking upset of the day was Momo over Bepa in three. Nice to see that while Bepa has added much needed strapping to her ankles, she has not gone away from her Casper routine. I'm just shocked her towel wasn't blue. Then she'd be *completely* invisible, just like she likes it.

Also losing today? Domi, Sorana, and AKO. You know who didn't lose? Dina, who bageled and 3'd ALG. And no I'm not surprised that it's been over 2 hours since that match ended and there is no story in my newsfeed abou this.

As for the boys, both the top two seeds are out of Eastbourne S'Hitogenbosch. Fer, lover of grass, lost to Benjamin Becker and Tommy Boredo (I can call him that now that we're off clay) lost to MAR-COS BagDAHtis *clapclapclapclapclap*.

Over in Eastbourne, Igor (top seeded Igor?) followed his ladyfriend out of the tournament, losing to Fancy Dancy. Nice day for the Canucks.

April 24, 2009

And never underestimate what Tranny can do during Fed Cup. Or Flavs for that matter.

As for the Russians, they come in a bit battered and shell-shocked:

Into the second singles berth steps the 22nd- ranked Anna
Chakvetadze who has registered only four wins to her name this year,
four less than Nadia Petrova who can count herself unlucky to be
watching from the bench.

Winners of 15 of their last 16 ties,
Russia will look to Svetlana Kuznetsova to provide a backbone for
success. Kuznetsova is now coachless after her split last month from
Olga Morozova but is enjoying a Fed Cup run of eight straight singles
wins. She admits though that preparations this week have not been
perfect: “We have not managed to practise indoors, only outdoors, and
not as much as we should have because of the conditions but we are
looking forward to the weekend.”

January 21, 2009

Good on ya, Snot Rocket. She hung in there and held her nerve to oust Chakky in three sets, 64 67 63. She'll face Ski Boots next, where, sorry kid, I hope her fairytale run ends.

I was pretty surprised with how in depth and frank Mary Carillo and Pam Shriver were with her backstory. Obviously we all know about her dad and her depression, but they were even talking about the physical abuse she suffered at his hands. The frank talk obviously made the win all that more poignant.

As for Chakky, she just fell apart midway through the match. She was totally in the match at all times but you could see that she didn't believe. She could have won it but after losing the first set she left the court and when she came back she clearly looked like she had been crying. And throughout the second set she looked like she was about to burst into tears between every point.

January 19, 2009

Flashes of brilliance in a sea of poo. That's the only way to describe the 2+ hour match between Dani and Fosters Dellaqua. It was a battle of nerves as both ladies were broken over and over again. Fosters had every right to win this match, but she just couldn't shut the door on Dani. The key was the first set tiebreak, which Dani eventually won 13-11. She would go on to win the match 76(11) 64.

On the fashion front, I love the blue on Dani. Also love that she's left her ponytail loose instead of that uptight braid she was rocking last year (it made her look like an insane control freak for some reason). But please, Dani, invest in some Low Beams. It's so damn awkward watching you play sometimes.

Nice win for Chakky over AKO, but my heart goes out to Anne. Tough draw for her. She played well in Auckland and deserved to make it to the second round here. But she showed a lot of heart coming back from a set down. Unfortunately, in today's heat, she just ran out of gas.

One thing that stood out to me watching today's matches was the gulf in fitness levels between the top players and the second tier players. It's mindboggling to me to see players completely tank in second and third sets because their fitness prevents them from dealing with the conditions. I totally agree with Brad Gilbert (reluctantly) that it's inexcusable. This is the first Slam of the year and you've had two months to get into proper shape.

And yes, Strawberry-Lemonade Nads is still in the mix. There's just so much unnecessary color going on in that shot.

I think it's hilarious that JJ makes the Burrito look like a midget. On, and JJ? Just because you leave the stencil off doesn't mean we don't know it's still a Prince. Nice to see her back in the shorts though. She's one of the few that can pull off the on-court shorts look.

January 05, 2009

The JB Group Classic exhibition is set to officially kick off on Wednesday with Team Russia vs. Team Asia/Pacific and Team Americas vs. Team Europe.

But before the official start of the exo, the "Stars of Tomorrow" (no pressure) played two exhibition matches. Coco Vandeweghe beat the Burrito in three sets, 36 63 64, and Zhang Lin beat Alexandra Panova, 57 63 10-8. Nice win for CoCo.

More pics from the players' gathering:Note to JJ. Never EVER turn your back on Chakky. She will cut you. And then seduce the PI she hires to investigate your murder.

I kinda want to see a knife fight between these two. Zheng Jie is adorable. I just want to pick her up and put her in my pocket. I do not want to do the same with JJ. If I did put her in my pocket she would probably disintegrate into a handful of glitter. And that shit is a pain to clean out of your pockets.

November 27, 2008

Well it's Thanksgiving here in the States, the day in which Americans gather around a roasted bird and pretend to forget that in exchange for the generous hospitality the indigenous peoples occupying this great land offered, white settlers gave them disease, war, subjugation, and casinos. So you know, win-win!

Putting all that aside, it is the day where we gather around the table with people we may or may not like and give thanks for the blessings bestowed upon us. This year I'm spending it in NYC with my sister and it looks like I'll be attending a very Felicityesque T-Day with a bunch of NYC transplants. I'm genuinely looking forward to it. Well, the mulled wine at the very least.

All this is a roundabout introduction to my list of the 10 Tennis Related Things I'm Thankful For:

9. My Wilson KFactor kTour Racquet -- Sigh. It was love at first strike with this puppy, which I got about 8 months ago. I resisted it for so long because it was Lindsay and Justine's racquet of choice, two players I didn't like that much. But I demoed Masha's Prince 03 White, Ana's Yonex RQiS 1, Nole's Wilson kBlade, and even JJ's Prince Speedport White and couldn't find one I loved. At my wits end I finally demoed the kTour, and it was absolutely perfect. For anyone who's interested, try it out with Wilson Sensation strings at 57 lbs. It's just a pure and clean hit.

8. The First Half of 2008 -- It was fun while it lasted. My girls (Masha/Ana) and boys (Rafa/Nole) were winning, they were looking good, and my life as a tennis fan was all rainbows and handbags. And then we all stepped on the grass of Wimbledon and it all (well, almost all) went to shit.

5. New Pretty Faces -- Hot Crazy Elf Train, Gilly, Jo, and Ernie. Not only are they new cute boys to fawn over, but they actually have game and are exciting to watch. Sometimes God does give with both hands.

4. Davis Cup -- Sure, maybe this is inflated given the events of the past week, but still. Even if Spain hadn't won the Cup in the manner in which they did, Davis Cup was awesomethisyear. And looking forward to next year it can only get better, what with TMF agreeing to grace us with his presence. So for all the HoYay! awesomeness that Davis Cup brings on a quarterly basis, I bring thanks. Now, if only the ladies took Fed Cup as seriously.

3. Rafa -- Sure, I love my Nole, but Rafa's ridiculous 2008 drew me back into men's tennis. I love his fight, his competitive spirit, his strut, his ADD, his humility and grace, and his perfectly bulbous ass.

2. Baby E -- Come on, this one's obvious, right? She single-handedly brought me back into tennis, as it had been a long time since I had a WTA player that I genuinely rooted for. She's a breath of fresh air in the diva world of the WTA. And on this day of overeating let us never forget: She's a nerdy fat girl stuck in a hot body.

1. You guys -- I really didn't know what to expect when I started this blog in July. It all came down to the fact that I had all these stupid and immature tennis thoughts running in my head all the time that it was distracting. So I started the site just to get these ideas "on paper" so I could move on. I never expected a an international coaltion of like-minded tennis fans, who love the sport and the players but don't put them on a pedestal, would come together to create the rad community that we have going here. Seriously, you guys make me check my own site on a quarter of an hour basis to keep up with your hilarious comments and insights. So on the serious, with no sense of cynicism or or irony intended, thanks.

Alrighty, off to get drunk now. If you see a drunken Asian girl stumbling the streets of Spanish Harlem, steer clear. I can't promise the turkey is staying down.

October 19, 2008

There shouldn't be too much mystery in Luxembourg, but then again, who knows given the recent form of some of these players. The way the draw worked out, it looks like a pretty easy warm up tournament for Lena D, who will be looking to regain her sharpness for Doha. Standing in her way to the finals: Momo and Dani.

Yeah, I wouldn't exactly be shaking in my Yonex boots either.

On the other half of the draw it's a complete crapshoot. A-Chak and Ski Boots will be contesting that half, but again, given their recent form who knows? I'd actually put my money on bracket buster and FOJJ (friend of JJ) Na Li to possibly get through this half. Cuz it's kinda crap.

Nonetheless I will be tuning into this tournament to see the progress of two Forty Deuce baby faves: Sorana Cirstea and Laura Robson. Cirstea won her first title a few weeks ago in Tashkent and Robson was granted a wildcard for this tourney. Hope they do well.

Robby, aka Baby Ana, will play her first round match against Iveta "My Torso is UnhumanlyLong" Benesova. Sorana, aka Baby Flavs, will play a qualifier.

September 29, 2008

Matt Cronin, has a nice article up over at Fox Sports on the possibility that JJ will finish the year as the World #1 having not won a slam. I know, put the baseball bat down and back away from the dead horse. The guy clearly is not a JJ fan.

But Cronin's article is great because he gets some choice quotage from Carlos Rodriguez, Justine Henin's coach. Dude has got some opinions and he ain't shy to share em.

On Ana:

It's not like the Argentine
doesn't like the potential of some of the kids — it's just that they
are so wildly inconsistent. Take Roland Garros champion Ana Ivanovic,
who is just 5-5 since winning her first Slam crown in Paris. Sven
Groenefeld, whom Rodriguez considers the best coach on tour today,
coaches the Serbian, but the 20-year-old is struggling mightily.

"I think Ana can do big things, but she needs more maturity," Rodriguez
said. "It's very difficult for a player to learn what to do when she's
in trouble. Ivanovic is not able to have a Plan B or C to solve the
situations, and she loses complete control. The coach can help with
this, but in the end, it's up to the player to find for herself what
possibilities will work. The coach can only help you to a certain
point."

On Chakky:

Rodriguez spent a little time
this past summer working with former world No. 4 Anna Chakvetadze but
couldn't make it work with the Russian, who has spiraled downward to
No. 12. On the outside, Chakvetadze appears to have all the ingredients
that Rodriguez would like: foot speed, soft hands, the ability to take
the ball on the rise and smarts. But he couldn't get through to the
21-year-old.

"Anna seems like she wants to work, but I told her, at the end of the
day, deep inside of you, you don't want to try to go further and to
push yourself more to succeed," he said. "I cannot help you if you
don't have the will to do something, even if I'm the best or worst
coach in the world. She has the talent. But she's really confused as to
what she needs to do to succeed to do to become a No. 1 or No. 2 player
in the world. She's not ready to make the sacrifices it takes to go to
the top, there's not question about it. A champion is one inside and
outside the court, and when you take Anna outside the court, she's
really a disaster."

So far so good. Can't argue with him any thing here. How long have Ana fans been complaining about her lack of a B game? Crash the net, Baby E. CRASH THE NET!

But then Carlos starts running his mouth and all of a sudden he starts losing credibility with me:

On JJ:

"That's the face of tennis
today, with a player who is reaching No.1 without winning a Grand
Slam," Henin's coach Carlos Rodriguez told FOXsports.com of Jankovic,
who was 0-9 against Henin. "It's a sign. She's a good player, but when
you see Maria Sharapova
and the Williams sisters, they not only win Grand Slams, but they have
the charisma. They give something extra, not only hitting balls.
There's more behind them."

What are you smoking? Uh, JJ lacks many things (a serve for example) but charisma is SO. NOT. ONE OF THEM. The woman does the splits on court, smiles all the time, chats with the crowd, and wears BODY GLITTER for goodness sakes.

And then, he inexplicably picks Nicole Vaidisova as the young player with the most potential:

"She's amazing," Rodriguez
said. "It comes back to the entourage she has around her. It's so
important. When you are talking mental, these girls are very strong,
but when you are talking emotional, it's very hard. The emotional takes
over the mental and she completely loses the way. It's a pity. I hope
someone can take care of her because she's charismatic and is a really
good player, but her emotional (state) and the intelligence is not that
good."

I'm starting to get the feeling that Carlos doesn't know what "charismatic" means.

UPDATED: Apparently I wasn't the only one who was perplexed by Carlos' use of "charismatic". Matt Cronin posted this over at Tennis Forums:

From the author:

Allow me to weigh on a few things:

1: Carlos only responded to questions about the players I asked him
about, hence the admission of Dementieva, Safina and Kim. I only had a
certain amount of time and we also discussed coaching philosophy for a
magazine piece I’m doing so I couldn’t fit those folks in.

2: What he essentially means by charisma is that “extra special
something” that player takes on court, not charm, which JJ obviously
has loads of. JJ still needs to prove that she’s a big time player and
she knows that.

3: Chakvetadze publicly spoke about Carlos plenty during the summer,
not it’s not out of hand for him to be discussing her. As much as I
like her game and think she is smart, thoughtful person, she is
struggling emotionally, hence her poor results.

4. I don’t agree with his comments about Maria, but he’s said much the
same in the past about players who do a fair amount of modeling, photo
shoots, etc.

5. He likes Ivanovic’s potential a lot, but said she’s needs to mature and I’m sure that AI would say much the same.

6. He does not want to coach Nicole and I was stunned as some of you
that he thought that she still has such great potential and I told him
so. He wants to coach juniors now, not pros.

7: He never said Justine was certain to come back.

7. He admits that he is a tough coach and says that only resilient players like Henin can put up with him.

September 22, 2008

Chakvetadze, people. Chakvetadze. Why? Which Anna did you think I was talking about?

Sports Business Journal is reporting that A-Chak is leaving Adidas and heading over to Fila. So she's going from being the #2 Russian for Adidas (Dinara) to the #2 Russian for Fila (Kuz). A nice signing for Fila, as they needed an "Ana" to Kuz's "Justine". Let's face it, Kuz ain't exactly modeling any clothes out there.

They are scheduled to show the Sharapova vs Obziler tie at 1:30pm EST today (Tuesday). This is the infamous "grunting match" where the Israeli crowd tried to get in Pova's head by grunting whenever she hit the ball. Oh, Israel. That's so cute. Did you really think that was going to throw the Pova off? She destroyed Tzipi 60 64. Masha (who looked awesome in her red and white Nike gear) would then turn around the next day and take Shahar Peer, who famously egged on the Israeli crowd, behind the shed and beat her 61 61. After the match Masha put her finger to her lips and shushed the crowd and then told Peer at the net that she should've learned her lesson from the day before. Tennis Channel will be showing this match at 1:30pm EST on Wednesday.

God I miss her. So much.Finally, on Thursday at 1:30 EST, Tennis Channel will delight us in a replay of the Chakky/Obziler match, also known as the "When Chak Attacks!" match. The crowd rained down on A-Chak and she gave as good as she got, screaming maniacally at the crowd after each winner she hit. It was insane.

All these matches are worth watching so tune in, folks. They're also showing the China/Spain Fed Cup ties at 4:00pm EST throughout the week.

The Fed Cup Final starts on Saturday and TTC will be airing it live starting at 8am EST on Saturday and 6am EST on Sunday.