All the stories you wish your mother told & a few you're glad she skipped.

#Fact: I came. I saw. I conquered. (... and now I've had "that" life experience)

I'm proud to say I went, and even prouder to no longer have "failed orgy" on my life list. Here's what went down (literally) ...

I'm fascinated by the notion of having a compartmentalized sexual experience, but am not sure if it's doable (pun intended). I don't want a boyfriend, but I need sex ([outside of very recent events] tend to go a really really really long time in between partners). In my 20s, I did the fuck buddy thing, and last year I was the one that wanted more, and he didn't. I even tried dating a chick but that just lead to a hilarious post and a series of REALLY awkward conversations with my family over the holidays.

You're welcome, family.

I was on thrinder for a while (tinder for threesomes), but I disliked the power dynamics. (Outside of the anatomical perspective) I'm the one fucking you, not the other way around (unless that's your style, which I'd probably be cool with).

<tangent> True story, I once had a guy curl into the fetal position after I gave him a blowjob because he said "he felt so used." I laughed saying, I had to get going, but I got the job done! You're welcome.

I either needed to put up or shut up with orgies & have one, or move on. I took a deep breath as I responded with a photo (you have to be approved). You'll figure this out Friel, I thought to myself, you always do.

The preparation ...

11 minutes after 6 on Saturday, I got the address and info for the evening.

Seeing the email made it real in my brain that, yep this was happening. Instead of freaking out like I did for the first one, I got in "game mode" as I cranked AC/DC throughout my apartment surround sound.

Uno Numero Orgy, my naive nelly self just assumed all clothing would be coming off rather quickly, so I left my apartment in a dress that I could barely sit down in and shoes I could barely walk in ...

This time around, I came prepared.

Get it get it .... ha, ha, ha

Yes that is a turtleneck, and yes that is what I wore. UNO started at midnight, but this one started at 8pm. I knew within the first half hour/hour that the first orgy wasn't going to happen, but this go round I wasn't willing to waste makeup and a cute outfit on a Saturday night without a fallback.

<tangent> I discovered in the process that I prepare for dates based upon the audience.

For the chick? I was studying which charcuterie she liked, I had Pretty Woman in the background - DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY OF MY GIRLFRIENDS ASKED IF THEY COULD DATE ME AFTER THAT POST?? I treat people the way I want to be treated. Cardinal rule in life.

Men, step up! Buy your chick some charcuterie!

For guys? HA, it depends. Sometimes I'll wear little to no make up on a date just to test how a guy responds. Looks fade, and if I can filter you out now, we'll both be happier at the end of the day. Then of course, if you pass that stage I'll pull out all the stops, but wearing a face full of makeup on a daily basis just isn't me.

For an orgy? I took partial consideration of the women (and what they would notice) and the men. I was definitely very "polished," but that didn't mean anything was a "go." I still needed to study things first. </tangent>

Around 8:30 I popped an edible (cannabis) and called an uber. (I got my weed card last week, more on that in the next post.) For UNO, I arrived at the stroke of midnight, and was the first to arrive ...

... but this time, I was ready to kick, er kiss? some ass.

Thanks Hil Hil.

The arrival ...

I grabbed a bottle of rose Chandon (I like bubbles) on the way, and arrived at the hotel. To get access to the elevators you need a room card. It took standing there (turtleneck and all) for about two seconds before a gentleman asked, "what floor?" Eight please, I said with a smile. As I got off the elevator I could hear people talking. Wow, this really is an orgy, I thought. Focus, Friel, focus. You got this!

I took another deep breath as I knocked on the door. "Wow, he said, you're really pretty!" Hi, I'm Jen, I said outstretching my hand. Let me take this from you, he said grabbing the bottle, not my clothes. <tangent> That was my problem and why I was so nervous with UNO ... when I didn't know what to expect, I simply assumed the worst. I thought I would be in this predatory environment, when in reality the opposite happened. People at orgies go ABOVE AND BEYOND to make sure that you are comfortable with what they are doing. </tangent> I then walked around the sheer drapes and saw the rest of the group (which included 5 people). I made introductions, as I sat down in the only chair. Here's the floor plan of the room we were in ...

I was immediately attracted to the male host, but needed to know more about the rest before coitally committing.

<tangent> It makes me laugh, but the people that I've dated and have had sex with make no sense. I say this all the time, but you could put them ALL in a room, and not know that ANY of them had anything in common (different ages, races, shapes, sizes). I now think of my vagina as Steve Rubell (of Studio 54 fame). Sometimes I'm interested in a Warhol type, sometimes I go through a phase of loving the name Al ...

... but just because you've been inside here once, doesn't guarantee admittance again.

When I've had my fill of something, I'm good, and now you bore me.

</tangent>

A half hour or so later, the party size doubled, and again the group was still shockingly attractive. I don't know if the bar was set so low the first time, or if these were independently attractive people - I couldn't tell.

As I sat in the chair, the edible started to kick in. My body became super relaxed, but my mind remained active and focused (I was on sativa).Have you been to one of these before, asked the ridiculously attractive host? Yes, I admitted. It was a failed orgy. Wow, that sounds like a story, he said laughing. I didn't tell him I was a writer, again, I learned my lesson from UNO.

I don't even want to say anything, just read these text messages ...

Hours later I got this ...

IT NEVER GETS OLD!!! 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

There was another knock on the door, followed by a series of them, and the suite quickly filled up with (15 or so people). Let's play spin the bottle, said one of the guys emptying a bottle of Veuve into our glasses.My brain went to the logistics of spin the bottle on a glass table top, and said you can't do this here, to the group. One of the men stood up and grabbed a towel from the bathroom placing it on the table. Well, that works, I thought. Who starts? I asked. Have you never played Spin The Bottle before? asked one of the girls wrapped in the suit jacket of one of the guys. No, I admitted. How did you get your first kiss? she asked. 8th grade, Jared $chwartzer, President of Student Council, I thought. The bottle began to spin as the group got closer. I swapped spit with a couple of chicks (women I find kiss better than men), as I stood up to use the restroom. By the time I came back, the game had all but died down. I sat back in my chair, as one of the guys poured me another glass of champagne.

As he sat back, I noticed in the Snow-White-like mirror 10 feet away ...

... that he was on the verge of passing out.

<tangent> I spent just shy of 15 years as a dancer. It trained my brain to look in reflective surfaces first, then turn to whatever I was looking at. People notice you're looking at them less, which is super handy now that I'm older. </tangent>

I finally turn and look at him. What's your name again, he asked with a slight slur? Jen, I said curt. Beautiful name, he replied. It's really memorable, huh? I said without skipping a beat.

He went back to his borderline oblivion, as I noticed the rest of the group looked like they were starting to roll. I'm not mad at drugs at all (obviously too I'm on cannabis), but in an orgy situation I have to trust that as the dude, you have taken off that condom before putting it inside (whatever part of) someone else. If you're rolling, you're so into experiencing what you're experiencing that you're not thinking things through logically, and you're probably not thinking about sexual safety.

STRIKE ONE As I looked back to the group, I noticed that the women to my left (about 5 of them) were all staring at me. "You look like you're really in your head right now," said one girl.

Oh I'm good, I replied back. I'm just enjoying my edible, I said brushing it off. I went to change out my cup, and as I walked to the bar one of the girls came up and started scratching my back (as if I were rolling). Having a back rub, or any sort of massage makes you feel more euphoric while on E. Maybe she was rolling as well, I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but again, I wasn't feeling it.

I sat back down in my boundary setting chair, as one of the other guys asked "what would you be doing right now if you weren't here?" "Sitting in my onesie, drinking wine, and watching Netflix with my dog," I said without thought. I think he thought I was kidding as he started laughing. He then kept referencing "his wife" but one and one didn't equal two. I then noticed that the majority of males at the party were all wearing rings (and some of the females), but their body language didn't reflect marriage. I'm not sure if it was a boundary thing, that by showing a ring meant that you defaulted respect to "their partner," or if it made the males seem less "creepy" ...

... but my brain wasn't having it. I don't like feeling like I am being lied to in some way.

I quickly realized that I wanted to Dorothy myself out of there, and go back to the one thing that really made me happy ...

Buster is the only animal I want in my bed.

I then grabbed my coat, purse and quietly ghosted the orgy as one guest was taking off his shirt. As I got in the uber on the way home, I thought about what I want in life now that I can proudly say I went to an orgy, and it wasn't a fail, I just knew I wanted something different.Had this been a year ago when I went to UNO, it would have 100% been game on.Now? At 32, I already know what I want, and when I'm ready to ask for it - I'll get it. I'm just not sure I'm ready yet ...

Now, I'm off to the Dreambuilders charity event. I'd say I was going as a way to get into heaven, but who am I kidding, I don't want to go there.