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For her summer school class project, my friend started up a blog with the intention of discussing the complicated relationship women have with food. (For more of an introduction to the blog go here, or visit Gud Fudz yourself!) Promising to help and loving the idea of guest blogging, my attention lately has been on precisely this. Consequently, many of the blogs that appear here are cross-posted. Even though Blas(fem)y has no intention of focusing on food in this way, it does focus on me… and my focus right now is food. This means, for you, that many of the blogs will be of this theme, including my latest adventures into Breaking Veg, The State of Exception (both upcoming), and (posted directly following this one) Cravings: Giving in and Getting Sick. Aside from food, they also have the common theme of “breaking” a “rule” set for yourself. Should I feel guilty for wanting to have a salmon fillet? Should I indulge this? When does it become a legitimate craving?

A few things should be noted on my own standpoint of my vegetarianism and of dieting (not in the lose weight sense, in the lifestyle sense).

Firstly, I am a vegetarian for many reasons: ethical, environmental, health, ease (yea, I do think it’s easier being a vegetarian when you’re cooking for yourself), cost (again, when cooking for oneself especially)… oh and because I lost a bet so I had to be a vegetarian for a month. I had wanted to do so for awhile, but knew myself well enough to know that I needed a little motivation. So the month “punishment” was perfect. I never looked back. I learned how to cook (like actually cook, not like heat things up cook). Once the month was up, I would occasionally eat fish and when I was going on a month long trip to Istanbul, I worked some meat back into my diet, unsure if I could (and wanted to) be a veg there. (On a side note, you can be a veg there, especially if you have a little guidance or familiarity with the language. I went back to veg (mostly) for the last two weeks there, but I’m very glad I ate meat. I was afraid that I would miss out on an experience or that if I did eat meat before “preparing” I would get sick.) Once I got back from Istanbul I stopped eating meat again and this time meat as well. I’ve “cheated” twice, though I really hate that terminology…. which is the main point of this blog, the negativity surrounding “cheating” on your diet and the consequences of this negativity.

One of my critiques of any dieter is that it seems they so easily fall off the bandwagon. And not that it isn’t hard! Or that people don’t fuck up! Intentionally or unintentionally (I just found out the other day caesar dressing has anchovies, wtf)! Just that it’s actually seen as falling off the bandwagon. Or, rather, that people don’t seem to get back on to the bandwagon. They see it as a “well I fucked up; I’ll start again on Monday.” What happened to the saying, “if you fall off a horse, get right back on?”

Additionally, and here is my biggest worry, the guilt that comes with messing up a little bit.

Because of this, I think it’s important to indulge your cravings. For me this means, get a craving and don’t indulge just yet. Give it a week, or two, or whatever… and if I still have it, indulge! I think that, in this way, you’re able to maintain a healthier balance between abstaining (which can be unhealthy) and over-indulgence (which can be just as unhealthy as abstaining).

Then, after I indulge, I get right back on the horse.

Note: These issues will be further explored in the upcoming blogs mentioned above.

This is a cross-post on my friend’s wonderful blog Gud Fudz, which Emmaraptor describes as a blog to discuss the “difficult and unnatural relationship with food.” It’s a (brand new!) outlet for sharing recipes, stories, and to have a dialogue about the complicated relationship we each have with food. This functioned as my introduction to the site and should be posted there shortly.

Trials and Tribulations of a Hypoglycemic: My Complicated Relationship with Food

Most of what I know about food is related to animal treatment and pesticides, which says substantially more about the ethical standpoint of a particular business than about what I’m putting in my body. The rest of my very limited knowledge comes from what I know about what I put into my rabbit’s body. I know, for example, that bananas should be a treat (for rabbits) as they have little nutritional value (for rabbits) and that they (still rabbits) will choose the treat over their nutritional food or that cucumbers are mostly water and, thus, not as nutritious as we (people) like to think they are for us/them (people/rabbits).

I very much enjoy food, but often my relationship with food occurs when I purchase it. I’m particular (read: obsessed) with who I give my money to. I will not buy a product from Kraft (on purpose). My problem is that, after leaving the grocery store, after the economic exchange is done, I often lose my connection with the food that I put in my body. Essentially I buy smart, full of good ideas and good intentions, but I eat stupid. I don’t balance my meals efficiently and tend to repeat the same meals, rather than get a good variety of veggies. I’ve been able to skate by doing so, until recently.

I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia back when I was in high school when I went through a stint of passing out in the shower. The problem was certainly poorly managed low blood sugar issues, but when combined with low blood pressure (thank you, steaming hot shower) had dangerous effects. When I became a vegetarian (or started to become at least; I recently learned about renit, which means I’ve been eating stomach intestines for the 2 years I’ve claimed to be a veg), I paid particular attention to making sure I was getting enough of everything, calculating closely my sugars and irons. I thought I had most of it under control; I ate every 2-3 hours, alternating snack and meal. Then I started dating a nutritionist…

I began complaining about how I felt nauseous every day around one o’clock or so and that, by four, I had a headache. When I spent the weekend with him, I felt just fine. He would ask me around these times how I was feeling. I thought he was being very caring (he was), but in actuality he was monitoring me. At the end of the three days or so he convinced me to allow him to “nutrify” me, which means to chalk me full of vitamin D, B12 and some yellow horse pill that makes my constantly chapped lips smooth again.

We talk a lot about “voting with your fork,” animal treatment, organic farming, physiology. A lot of theorizing goes on. He seems to have fixed a lot of problems, treated a lot of easily treatable things (Except for my hypochondria; that seems to have flared up again). We both got burns around similar times. His has healed, no scars. Mine still busts open when I hit it too hard on the window. Immediately he comments, “you’re probably lacking zinc and vitamin C.” Not a big deal, as these are all treatable deficiencies. Good to know! (pours glass of orange juice)

Then my hypoglycemia seemed to becoming more and more problematic on a daily basis. We were out museum-ing and movie-ing when we had to cut it short so I could get a meal in. This is not okay with me. I’m not okay with interruptions like this. I have things to be doing, galleries to be walking through, drives to be going on, dancing to do. Upon arriving at my then abode, he headed for the stairs, which we always take instead of the elevator. And I realized that if I tried to go up the stairs that I honestly felt that I’d pass out (which I hadn’t done since I was 18). After getting some “gud fudz,” he sat me down to have a serious chat. I’m thinking, “holy crap he is going to dump me… Oh geez he is going to say the l-word…”

He talked to me about type two diabetes.

Does anyone remember the Babysitters Club episode where what’s-her-face has diabetes and has to eat a muffin? She passed out a few times, too. At the time, this was my only connection to how serious these issues could be. Ok fine, this was still how I perceived the seriousness of low blood sugar…

It never occurred to me that this could have a long term effect outside of having to food good and good for you a lot and often. Bummer, right? The conversation was a bit of a wake up call. I know nothing about diabetes other than some people so actually pronounce it die-uh-beat-us and that people can lose a foot from it, which I learned through Scrubs (I should either stop watching so much TV, or watch more so that I know about diabetes).

So this is my (current) frustration with my relationship with food. How indulgent can I be? How serious should I take this? Should I seek out vitamin/nutritional supplements (for this and other issues such as the vitamin b12, zinc, etc)? What does it mean to be “on the path to diabetes?” How quick can I get off of this path? And, constantly, is what I’m eating actually good for me?