WHY ROY GERELA?This would be my question for Bob “Plague” (not his real nickname; I’m making that up) Bubanic of Port Vue. The 70-year-old (if he’s still “kickin;” no pun intended) retired supervisor from the Allegheny County Greenhouse in South Park, was the Gorilla, long-remembered, with his cronies, in his Upper North End Zone perch at Three Rivers Stadium. Greenhouse? So the “Gorilla” supervised the growing of daisies, tulips and rutabagas for a living?

But “Why Roy Gerela?” The scant bit of research that I’ve conducted has already rendered my hypothesis useless. Roy Gerela, to me, was the lone unlikable Steeler from the dynastic seventies. Besides living next door to my brother Tony for years, and never uttering a word, one simply could never count on Gerela to make a kick.

In fact, Gerela’s most significant contributions to the Steelers Super Bowl victories arguably involved a pair of fuck-ups on his part. In Super Bowl X, he had his head patted by Dallas safety Cliff Harris following a miss, whereupon Jack Lambert tossed Harris’s sorry ass to the ground, and when informed that he was being tossed out of the game, Lambert pleaded with the official, “You can’t throw me out; this is the Super Bowl.” The ref basically told Lambert to Shut the Fuck Up, and retreat to his sideline. Number fifty-eight dutifully obeyed, and then and unleashed the energy that propelled the Steelers to victory in Super Bowl X.

Gerela’s other shining moment was in Super Bowl XIII, again against Dallas, with the Steelers having gone up, 28-17, on a Franco TD. Gerela plant foot slid upon approaching the ball, he fell on his ass, unintentionally squibbed the kick, which was fumbled by Dallas tackle Randy White, whose hand was in a cast. Bradshaw hit Swann for a TD on the next play, extending the lead to 35-17.

Gerela did earn grudging respect from me with a pair of episodes before and during Super Bowl X. He injured his ribs actually making the tackle on the opening kickoff on Thomas Hollywood Henderson, the big-mouth who said that if one “Bradshaw couldn’t spell ‘cat’ even if spotted the ‘c’ and the ‘a.’ This possibly led to his kicking woes. Gerela was a football player, not merely a kicker. Despite being Canadian, Gerela had played defensive back at New Mexico. More impressively, pre-game, with the net to catch his practice kicks inexplicably down, Gerela entered the stands to retrieve the ball, wrestling it away from his own fans, in order to practice more. This involved Gerela pulling one fan out of his seat, stepping on another’s ankle, and being shoved around a bit by the fandom, necessitating a police escort back to the field. Both Gerela, and the Miami PD were reportedly sued over this matter.

My theory on the Gorillas, though, was that Mr. Bubanic happened to have a Gorilla suit on hand, and was itching to wear it to a Steelers game. However, my scholarly efforts have yielded the knowledge that Mr. Bubanic and his entourage first rented the monkey suit for $60, then conducted a raffle and purchased the costume for $250. My research did not uncover the particular items that the group raffled off. Interestingly, Mr. Bubanic’s Port Vue neighbor, Thaddeus Majzer, now 77 (if he’s still around) was the founder of Dobre Shunka (“Good Ham”) properly honoring the Steelers Hall of Fame linebacker. As recently as 2004, Mr. Majzer still held season tickets, having done so since the Steelers’ Forbes Field days.

Again, “Why Roy Gerela?” My research, in the form of the Pittsburgh Steelers Media Guide, 1979 edition, has revealed Roy Gerela to suck even worse than I had remembered. Usually, one’s faded memories tend to be exaggerated. Not in this case; Gerela was terrible! After being cut by the Super Bowl champions in favor of rookie Matt Bahr prior to the 1979 campaign, Gerela was picked up by San Diego, connecting on 1 of 7 FG attempts in 3 games. His 10 year record from 1969-1978, indicates the following record on FG attempts: 20-29 yards….59 of 7430-39 yards….50 of 8640-49 yards….30 of 79Over 50 yards...ONE of 14 (and the one, a 50-yarder, was his rookie year with the Houston Oilers)

Gerela missed 13 regular-season extra points during this skein. He was, of course, perfect on PATs during his two years in Houston, missing all 13 during his 8 years in Pittsburgh.

Playoffs? Gerela was even worse. To wit:*Extra points….he missed 6 of 42 attempts. *He was 3 of 6 from 30-39 yards*He was ONE of six from 40-49 yards*He was 0 for 2 from 50+

We’ll again credit Gerela with making the tackle on the opening kickoff (a reverse to Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson) during SB X, thereby injuring his ribs, missing two later FGs prior to donning a corset (he and Kiera Knightly) and making two 4th quarter attempts (from 36 & 18 yards) subsequent to the Harris head tap. Oh, just to ensure his legacy though, he missed the Steelers’ final PAT after the Bradshaw bomb to Swannie.

So…the question remains, “Why Roy Gerela?”

Okay. ‘Nuff said. But you have to admit, Swiss, that Gerela was (and probably still is) a better kicker than Kiera Knightly, corset or no corset. Just sayin’.