It's a bit difficult for me to comment about the story so far cause I presume we didn't really get far enough for the main plot to kick in, which I feel is a slight drawback (of course I could be wrong, and all the events that happened within these pages will affect the whole story). My impression of what you were trying to do was putting the characters in a regular mission, and after it's over, the main plot begins. It could also be that they just thought they destroyed the demon thing, but in reality they failed, and this would be one of the forces they have to deal with in the story.There are a few details that do foreshadow stuff like this potential mission that was mentioned in the middle, or Alf's wolf issue. Considering it's a sequel I remember Alf from the first chapter of the first novel, so I was curious whether or not the other three girls are new characters or they were introduced in the first one as well.

The settings were interesting. I like how they have a forum where they can ask questions/get answers.

As far as characters go, maybe it's because my lack of familiarity with everyone except Alf, but I felt Alf was the only one I could follow properly. The other three cats, were the other three cats, and even though you gave them names, different talents and different descriptions, I found it slightly difficult to follow. What I think can maybe help with that is if you give those three some more defining characterization, like a certain attitude, or give one of them some sort of initial conflict that would keep this character's name (along with all of her characteristics) in the back of the reader's mind. That said, if these three characters were indeed established in the first novel, then it's not totally your fault if a reader who just reads the sequel can't follow them properly.

As far as the writing is concerned, my only problem in this piece is that it feels at times that you explain some things a little too much. For example:

1)

He didn’t know how they formed clothing and objects when they turned from their bornforms to human form, only that they did and could control what formed to various extents. If he shifted into his bornform and then back into a human form, he could create a coat, but they’d moved from the back streets to a busier road and there were too many humans around. Humans tended to freak out over little things like a person turning into a dog and then back again, and he didn’t particularly want to be engendering human fear and confusion with a demonic statue in his bag.

I felt this bit about what humans tended to freak about a bit unnecessary cause it was a bit obvious. If you think it's necessary, though, the same information could be conveyed in a shorter sentence.

2)

“Are you really going to sing that every time?” Ana complained. “It was funny for, like… a week. Now it’s just annoying.”

Ana finding it annoying was perfectly conveyed even without Ana remarking it's annoying.

That said, issues like these should probably be handled after the first draft is done and you're starting to edit, so when you continue writing, don't let it hinder you too much.

--------------------------------------

Considering this is the first post this week, and some people have not finished the piece of Week #2, I kinda think it would be a good idea to have a one week break. If anyone disagrees, I don't mind sending another 40 pages of my screenplay tomorrow.

I don't mind reading more of your screenplay, but IDK if anyone but you has read mine or how many people read your previous bit so...

This is kind of a setup bit before the main plot kicks in and, yeah, Saylee, Ana and Kiyah were introduced about halfway through the first book, so maybe I need to add a bit more for people who are unfamiliar with the three. I mean, it's a sequel, so presumably if you're reading the full story then you've read the first one, but it's still a good rule that the story can be followed by people who have't read the previous one.

I never got the draft this week, but I wouldn't have had much time to read it anyways due to all the weird weather we've been having lately. It's a shame, too, since I wouldn't have minded reading more about Ana, Kiyah, and Saylee.

Knowing the truth and knowing what to do with the truth are two completely separate ideas. Learn to distinguish them. OR ELSE.

Based on the original email, Kaito Lady also didn't receive it (I'll be sure to check from now on to make sure everyone get the emails). Regardless, I forwarded it to the both of you.Having this in mind, I suppose we'll take a break for the next week to avoid having people behind. Theoretically speaking then, we'll officially continue as of next Friday, but I'll probably email my piece before Friday after I'm done editing.

First, and I want to put this out for everyone who doesn't already know this, I was one of the people that mangaluva got to critique the prequel to this, The Red Dance. So if I talk like I'm overly familiar with the characters, that's why. It's for this reason that I won't be critiquing the characters, since I'm already familiar with them.

The setting was something I was pleasantly surprised by. After the end of the previous story, they could have gone anywhere to dispose of monsters, but they end up in Russia. Obviously I can't discuss the plot since it hasn't started yet, but the setup for it indicates that it will be pretty good.

Yeah, 5,000 words doesn't really give a lot to look over, but I hope this is sufficient.

Knowing the truth and knowing what to do with the truth are two completely separate ideas. Learn to distinguish them. OR ELSE.

How busy are people now? I'm back from my vacation, so I'm up for continuing this. I'll PM later those who have participated so far to see where they're standing.

Here's a proposition: By the end of the week, people will catch up on the stuff they didn't get to yet (I'll email former pieces to newcomers), and at Sunday, someone will also submit a piece for the next week. Since both mangaluva and I have already had a go, the next ones in line should be people who haven't submitted a piece yet, so if anyone has something he wants to get a critique on, give it a go. (either PM me or post in this thread).

If this schedule still feels problematic and people need more time, we'll delay all of the above in a week.

Last edited by Kor on May 23rd, 2014, 11:41 am, edited 1 time in total.