Monday, November 10, 2014

Feeling Iffy

Lately, I've been suffering from what I have decided to call "iffy syndrome."

To be completely transparent, I have anxieties and take a daily prescription to help me cope with the symptoms which can be overwhelming at times. I spent years in denial of my anxiety trying to manage the constant uneasiness on my own. One day, I realized that my anxieties were inevitable and since both my mother and grandmother have had issues with anxieties, I should consider myself fortunate to have realized the severity of them at such a young age and that I took initiative to get help. While I am thankful for the medicines, they do not make my anxieties perfect and I still go through phases when they are more intense.

As of recently, they have been more intense and hence my self diagnosis with "iffy syndrome." With "iffy syndrome" I doubt myself in everything and feel unsure about everything in my life. Literally everything. It can be all consuming and I thought I was the only one wandering around suffering with this uncertainty. Since its been a few months of feeling this way, I started to speak about some of my anxieties and feelings of uncertainty with a few of my closest friends and realized that they too feel the same way.

We are all questioning are relationships, friendships, jobs, education, out living situations and everything else in our lives right now. We spend so much of our lives planning for the future. I strategically calculated every class I took in high school so I could gain admission to college. In college, everything was done to build the resume so you were successful in the real world. I developed these plans for where I saw myself by 25, 30, even 40.

In this plan by 30, I went to grad school. I learned another language. I traveled to all six inhabitant continents. I ran a marathon. I had a boyfriend and got married. I lived in another country for at least a year. I lived in New York City. I spent time on the West Coast. I had various jobs. I started my own nonprofit. (I also magically had all of the financial means to do these things.)

With all of this planning we are trained to do, it's so easy to let yourself down when things don't go exactly as you planned. My life isn't how I envisioned it would be. Am I letting myself down? Am I settling? Will I regret my decisions? Will these decisions impact my future? Will I never get the opportunity to do these things that I actually took the time to type out in a list and save on my mac for years?

With all of this questioning, I find myself overwhelmed with anxiety and "iffy syndrome." Maybe I am exactly where I am supposed to be or maybe I'm not. If I'm not, how can I find my way there?

I didn't have an exact plan when I sat down to write this post. I just wanted to share how I was feeling as I know others are feeling the same way. It can be difficult to navigate the anxiety and uncertainty when we think we are doing it alone.

2 comments:

First, I love reading your post.Second, you are so brave to put something so personal out there. And trust me, so many people (self included!) are grateful to know that they are not alone.And third, things in life don't always go as planned, but just always remember that there's a reason for everything that happens. I'll bet if you talk to people who are exactly where they expected to be, they have regrets about not taking the road less traveled/the unexpected route. It take bravery to move away from "the plan!" So you're doing great :)

Thank you! I really appreciate your encouragement and insight. It can be difficult to share but I've realized that so many people have benefited from it so I guess I can forgo a little vulnerability. :)