My dogs had no spoons on the Fourth of July. They were so lacking in spoons, in fact, they probably still owe a few to that great spoon drawer in the sky.

In order for all this spoon talk to make any sense, it helps to be familiar with the spoon theory.

The spoon theory originated as a way to check stress levels for people with chronic illnesses, but it can be adjusted to apply to every living thing. Your Dog’s Friend does a fantastic job of providing a bastion of details if you want to dive deeper into the spoon theory. My quick version of the concept appears below.

The Amended Spoon Theory

The amended spoon theory says that every living thing gets a supply of spoons each day. You get some spoons. Your dogs get some spoons. Even hummingbirds, houseplants and those ginormous Palo Verde beetles get spoons. The amount of spoons you get on a daily basis depends on your overall wellness, serenity levels and ability to handle stress.

Those well-adjusted and happy get loads of spoons every morning.

Those who are only pretending to be well-adjusted and happy may get several spoons.

Those obviously ill-adjusted and unhappy may get only a few spoons, and one of them may be bent.

You can gauge how many spoons you get by reviewing how many stressful incidents you can take per day without totally freaking out. If three incidents push you over the edge, you can estimate you only get three spoons per day.

Apply the spoon theory to your dogs, and you can use the same basic premise.

Dogs that are well-adjusted and happy get loads of spoons.

Dogs that are quick to become fearful or excited get several spoons.

Those obviously ill-adjusted and stressed may only get only a few spoons, and one of them may be already chewed in half.

As the day marches onward, every episode of stress has the power to take a spoon away. The higher the stress, the more spoons you lose. Stubbing your toe, for instance, may take away one spoon, while spending an hour trying to get Netflix to work may take away five or six.

Once you run out of spoons for the day, it’s a good idea to take a time out, go home, revamp, meditate or otherwise be kind to yourself until you can replenish your spoon supply.

Spoons, Dogs and July 4

The Fourth of July is already a doozy for dogs with all its fireworks and noise. The date is known for being the No. 1 day dogs run away. While my dogs did not run away, they did lose spoons in rapid succession.

Here comes a rundown on my dogs’ spoon loss on July 4:

1 spoon: Their dad going out for the day (they’re used to both mom and dad being home all the time)

1 spoon per three sessions: Sitting at the door at intermittent intervals throughout the day just in case dad is about to come home at that exact moment

2 spoons: The other dog still barking and getting upset because his brother was not joining in the noise (this dog lacks a bark collar because it would involve shaving his long-haired neck for it to work)

Since I would approximate my dogs get 10 spoons per day each, they both were out of spoons well before any fireworks exploded in the sky. Because they were so exhausted after a full day of losing spoons, they barely even noticed the fireworks. One dog didn’t respond to the fireworks at all. The other dog did notice them, although he didn’t go wildly barking across the yard as usual. He simply refused to eat his dinner.

That means the spoon theory really is accurate. The dog that refused dinner is, after all, the same dog who is used to getting spoon-fed since he’s such a fussy eater. So he probably didn’t even think of eating since he knew there were no spoons to be found.

The spoon theory is a fun way to keep an eye on stress levels, for your dog, for yourself and for everyone and everything around you. Life can be so much more pleasant if we don’t lose all our spoons.

He’s flattened. He’s wincing. His wide eyes are filled with fear. Heck, he even has a fear portal located keenly above his solar plexus where fear can be pumped in or sucked out, depending on the mood of the day.

While Harvey the Hell Cat may seem like a peppy enough project to be done for fun, he was actually the result of yet another intriguing art therapy topic from Tucson’s Dr. B.

Topic: Emotional Turmoil

Result: Harvey the Hell Cat, a kooky critter crafted out of papier-mache-like clay then painted with dark colors. Additional details include eyes made from a metal washer and nut, sheet-metal teeth, and the aforementioned fear portal framed by gold and blue hues.

Why a flattened cat?

Flattened cats have a strong link to my past emotional turmoil, one of which was the star of an incident back in Brooklyn. When my then-boyfriend’s cat was dying, the cat waited until I came home one day to perform his final dying ceremony. It came complete with a swan song.

He crawled into the center of the room, laid on his side, and let out the loudest, most distressing extended cat yeowl I’ve ever heard in my life. I tried comforting him as he continued, until taking his very last breath.

I still get goosebumps thinking about it, especially what I called in a poem “his glazed eye filled with fear.”

Fear of death has kicked up plenty of emotional turmoil in me over the years, although I’m learning to deal with it by reaffirming my belief that yes, our souls live onward and no, I won’t come back as a picnic table.

Is Harvey the Hell Cat for sale?

You bet!

While I cannot part with the original Harvey the Hell Cat, I’d be delighted to make you one of your very own, using any colors you wish. Order now at the rynski etsy shop.

A woman I met at the recent Valley Dogs Rescue fundraiser, Petsfly Founder Jeni Redmond, was just the opposite. She also gave quite a thought-provoking reason for her switch from dogs to cats.

“Dogs are like needy girlfriends,” she said, noting their constant pleas for attention are akin to the flurry of texts you get from gals who feel they’re being ignored.

When dogs get too insistent, she just wants to scream “Stop texting me!’” She explained it all with a laugh.

I laughed, too. Then I immediately thought of my Belgian Tervuren Reggie who actually sits on my head when I’m lying down watching Netflix instead of him. Yep, that fits.

So if dogs are prone to falling into the needy girlfriend category, what does that make cats?

With their aloof nature and penchant for completely disregarding you, many could definitely double as the emotionally unavailable boyfriend. To make sure the idea was on the right track, I tested the theory below.

Dogs as Needy Girlfriends

Dogs

Needy Girlfriends

Demands to know where you are at all times

Yes

Yes

Checks in on you multiple times a day

Yes

Yes

Gets upset if you go somewhere without her

Yes

Yes

Gets mad if you forget her birthday

Not really

Yes

Gets jealous if you give attention to someone else

Yes, sometimes jealous enough to draw blood

Yes, sometimes jealous enough to draw blood

This one appears to check out, aside from the tidbit about the birthday.

Cats as Emotionally Unavailable Boyfriends

Cats

Emotionally Unavailable Boyfriends

Doesn’t bother to tell you where he’s going or when he’ll be back

Yes

Yes

Ducks your calls multiple times a day

Yes

Yes

Gets annoyed when you ask to accompany him wherever he’s going

Sometimes

Yes

Totally forgets your birthday

Yes

Yes

Doesn’t even notice if you give attention to someone else

Yes, unless it involves food or catnip

Yes

This one aligns, too, proving the theory is correct.

The Good News

The good news is you don’t have to date your dog or cat. And not all dogs and cats will neatly fit into the needy girlfriend or emotionally unavailable boyfriend category. Not even all girlfriends and boyfriends will fall into those categories (thank goodness).

Please note this theory is all in fun, providing altogether politically incorrect stereotypes that hopefully made you at least chuckle.

Dogs and cats each have their unique quirks, which is part of the reason they’re so much fun. It’s even more fun when you learn how to work with those quirks to make a truly personal connection.

I know I’m overjoyed when Reggie rewards my constant attention with his happy little clicking noise in the back of his throat – or by moving far enough off my head so I can actually see the TV screen and breathe.

I was likewise over the moon when the cat pictured above, my pal Stephanie’s cat Witchbird, actually let me take her picture without running to hide in the closet.

Bonding with animals is a treat, whether its dogs, cats, goats or rats. This especially holds true when you fill the needs of a needy-girlfriend dog or get an emotionally-unavailable-boyfriend cat to open up or remember your birthday.

For more insights on dogs, get The Rynski Doggie Dictionary. For more insights on cats, check back later after Witchbird comes out of the closet.

Elmo is a big dog, but the vet says 109 pounds is just a bit too big. He’s not yet into the obesity stage, but he has joined the 54 percent of dogs in the U.S. who are officially overweight.

A handy chart at the vet lets you spot check if your dog is fat. The thing looks something like this:

The chart says if your dog is a healthy weight, you’ll be able to easily feel his ribs. If his ribs are protruding, he’s underweight. If his ribs are covered by a slight padding like Elmo’s, he’s overweight. If his ribs are covered by enough padding to stuff a couch, your dog is obese.

Tips for Helping Your Dog Lose Weight

Even though most of us think “diet” is a nasty four-letter word, your dog doesn’t have to suffer while losing weight. These tips helped Elmo shed pounds once, and they can help once again.

Don’t quit treats cold turkey.

Dogs that have come to expect treats on demand will have a hard time accepting their demands are no longer being met. This counts triple if their demand involves cornering you near the kitchen counter by the treat jar and jumping up and down while wildly barking.

Rather than foregoing a treat altogether, try cutting the treat in half. Or thirds. Or even quarters. Reducing the amount of food given per feeding time can also work better than trying to cut out a feeding time completely.

Do try broccoli.

Broccoli comes with a calorie count lower than spring temperatures in Michigan. And most dogs spit it out the minute it hits their mouth. That means your dog gets zero calories and you still get points for giving a treat.

I remember reading somewhere that dogs don’t really care what you give them, as long as you give them something. I’m not sure if that’s true, but giving them broccoli can result in a notable dog weight loss if your dog doesn’t eat it. P.S. Elmo has since learned to eat it.

Don’t let the soulful eyes get to you.

When you hand over broccoli instead of, say, beef, your dog is likely to give you “that look.” It’s a sad look with soulful eyes that pierce your heart, wrenching it in half in a deeply powerful bid to please hand over some beef. Just. Say. No.

Do have a general idea of calorie counts.

While you don’t have memorize the calorie count of every food in the kitchen, like I did during my high school dieting phase, you should have a general idea of how many calories you’re feeding your dog. Some of those treats can pack a hefty punch.

Calories in Common Dog Snacks

732 – Busy Bone, large

672 – Beggin’ Chew, large

443 – Busy Bone Dental, large

182 – Pig’s Ear (Elmo’s favorite)

115 – Milk Bone, large

94 – Tbsp. Peanut Butter (Elmo’s second favorite)

40 – Beggin’ Strips

20 – Pup-Peroni (Every dog’s favorite)

3 – Good ole Charlee Bears

The calorie chart also noted a bite of a McDonald’s cheeseburger adds 330 calories to a dog’s diet. Ouch.

Do have a general idea of how many calories your dog needs.

Just like people, lazy dogs need fewer calories than dogs that are always on the move. Low-calorie Charlee Bear has a chart that shows how many calories it takes to sustain certain weights.

Dog Weight: Calories Needed per Day

20 pounds: 420 to 680

50 pounds: 830 to 1,350

100 pounds: 1,400 to 2,270

Don’t count rolling over in bed as exercise.

Increasing your dog’s exercise is another way to help him reach his desired weight. And no, much to Elmo’s dismay, rolling over in bed does NOT count as exercise.

Jumping around for his treats counts a little bit, and Elmo’s new trick of spinning in a circle counts even more. We’ll also add extended weekend walks to the list, after which he’ll be keenly rewarded with a big, juicy hunk of broccoli.

The art therapy topic of REBIRTH immediately brought to mind born-again Christians, which brought to mind all sorts of religions, which brought to mind cults.

This then prompted me to think of the creepy cult episode of Netflix’s Encounters with Evil where the Heaven’s Gate guy said humans need to remove their genitals so they can be more like aliens and then everyone killed themselves.

And I just didn’t feel like going there.

So I took another path with the rebirth topic instead.

Topic: Rebirth

Result: Rebirth painting alternatively known as “The Mystery of the Floating Goat.” Acrylic, glass paint and paint markers on canvas. Note the floating goat is in an orb of light, protected from all the demonic things writhing around him.

Artist Q&A

What’s with the floating goat?

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been convinced that if I were ever reborn I would come back as a goat. For some reason, reincarnation/rebirth always makes me think of goats – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

The goodliness of it all was reinforced when a Gen Xer pal pointed out that the letters from GOAT stand for:

Greatest

Of

All

Time

Pretty cool, no?

What’s with the demonic things?

The demonic things represent evils of the past. These evils include less-than-boastful behaviors and the horribly negative mindset I used to succumb to on a regular basis. Self-care, therapy and lots of love have helped me escape the demonic things of my past to become reborn as, well, a floating goat.

Anything else we should know?

Changes throughout our lives cause us to be reborn constantly. Whether it’s with a new job, a new relationship or an entirely new mindset. This is a good thing.

Coming back as a goat would be a good thing, too. I had five pet goats in New Mexico and they’re tons of fun. They hop. They play. They climb trees. And it sure beats being reborn as a gnat or something.