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USC President excommunicated by Trojan Archbishop after Bohemian gynecology scandal

The president of the University of Southern California, Max Nikias, has been excommunicated after school gynecologist Dr. George Tyndall was fired for allegedly forcing students into Prima Nocta under the guise of medical treatment.

Faculty and students who made the allegations applauded as Trojan Archbishop Rick J. Caruso presided over the ancient rite.

“President Chrysostomos Loizos ‘Max’ Nikias, led by the Devil, abandoned the promise he made at his Anointment, and feared not to ravage the University Community by violently oppressing the poor creatures under his care,” said Archbishop Caruso as the assisting Trustees dashed their candles to the ground in ritual disgust.

Professors tore their robes as Caruso reminded the gallery how “we have canonically warned him once, twice, a third and yet a fourth time so that he might conquer his malice.”

Students had to be restrained by the palace guard when Caruso’s final decree echoed in the hall.

“Woe is he who despised the admonitions of the University which he has offended!” Caruso proclaimed. “Therefore, let us use the iron tongs of excommunication and remove this putrid and incurable member who refuses to accept the remedy, so that the rest of the body may not be poisoned by such a pestiferous disease.”

The ritual came after dozens of professors, students, and alumni called for Nikias’ head for allegedly failing to properly respond to complaints of misconduct involving Tyndall, a gynecologist who worked at a university clinic for wayward women.

Tyndall – whose forebears include the first modern translator of the Bible into English and family members who declined the throne of Bohemia – routinely made crude comments, took inappropriate photographs, and forced plaintiffs into Prima Nocta, according to civil lawsuits filed this week.

“We have heard the message that our culture is broken, that urgent and profound actions are needed,” Caruso said after the excommunication was complete. “We recognize the need for change and are committed to a stable transition. Now, if you will excuse me, my flock has laid out donuts and coffee and I have an appointment at Bohemian Grove.”