If you buy your
husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock
the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream
and a flush.Rita Rudner

Male menopause
is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain
weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive
motorcycles.Rita
Rudner

Men hate to
lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex
again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."Rita
Rudner

Buying
something on sale is a special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more
it's worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill
something on it and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?Rita
Rudner

Men like phones
with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.Rita
Rudner

My grandmother
was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were
just napping.Rita Rudner

I don't plan to
grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.Rita Rudner

I love to
sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive
and unconscious.Rita Rudner

My husband and
I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to
ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.Rita Rudner

When I
eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I
requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this
day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.Rita
Rudner

I love being
married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the
rest of your life.Rita Rudner

I envy kangaroos. The baby crawls out of the womb
when it is about two inches long, gets
into the pouch, and starts to grow. I'd have a baby if it would mature in my handbag.Rita
Rudner

Men would like
monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.Rita
Rudner

I was asking a
friend who has children, "What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and
it grows up to hate me, and it blames everything wrong with its life on me?" And she said,
"What do you mean, if?"Rita
Rudner

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the
windows on the brown envelopes.Rita
Rudner

Someday I want
to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That
is how rich I want to be.Rita Rudner

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even
live like people. They live live bears with
furniture.Rita
Rudner

When I was a
girl I had only two friends, and they were imaginary. And they would only play
with each other.Rita
Rudner