CHICAGO, Illinois - Over the weekend, reports sent to the Illinois Pollution Control Board (IPCB) claimed that the Chicago River was turning a bright green color. Several tests confirmed that the beautiful, though absolutely deadly, green color was caused by a recent chemical dump by the Trump Towers. That is, until Donald Trump paid off the IPCB, making the official stated cause "a leprechaun did it".

Mayor Daley, who worked tirelessly to clean up the river in the '90s, held a press conference on the subject this morning, in which he simply stated, "Damn it." This was followed by dire warnings of massive death rates, human mutation, the dawn of Soylent Green, and the possibility of Chicago ending up like Springfield in The Simpsons Movie. Though most dismissed his ramblings as alarmist fear-mongering or evidence of insanity, many worry about the prospect of PresidentObama attempting to seal his past associations Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayers under a dome.

The event has caused business to skyrocket at the the Billy Goat Tavern.

Singer and environmentalist Bono will be capitalizing off the disaster by hosting a "Go Green" themed concert/rally in the park, in which everyone wears green to show their support for the environment. Failure to do so will result in irritating pinches from eco-fascists. Al Gore is scheduled to make a guest appearance, in which he will declare the green river yet another plague from the Earth goddess Gaia.

In the meantime, citizens have been advised not the drink, swim, ride a boat, fish, look at, or pee in the water until further efforts to clean the river are accomplished. However, a large portion of the Chicago population has ignored these warnings, thus causing excessive vomiting in the streets due to consumption of the green liquid.