Where Chris muses on sports, pop culture, particle physics and whatever else is on his mind at a particular time.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

What does Andre Brown have to do with the NBA and NHL Finals

So tonight’s Heat-Mavs game means a lot for people in Miami and Dallas, naturally, but what vested interest do a Blazers and Grizzlies fan have in it. A lot more than you would think. See below.

Chris
My mom, a teacher, just calls and says, "we're running a grizzlies store at school and I need to know who number 44 is for the Grizzlies. I have an autographed poster of him we're selling."

I have no clue about roster numbers, except maybe Mayo (32, right?) or whatever, so I tell her to email me a picture. She sends it to me as I'm googling number 44 Grizz as well. Who does it turn out to be.....Andre Brown! I email her the name and then ask how much they are selling it for. I want an autographed Andre Brown poster. It doesn't get more bottom of the barrel than that. What a keepsake! Alas, it's some sort of school auction for the kids, and the poster is going for $3 in play money. I offered $10 in real money, but it's not available for me.

Graham
Andre Brown! Nice! I'd totally forgotten about that guy, and I never forget anyone who played for the Grizzlies while I was there. For God's sake, I remember Andre Emmett, Isaac Fontaine, Will Solomon, and Rodney Buford. But somehow I'd forgotten Andre Brown. So I just looked up his stats, and he played in parts of four seasons for four different teams, with a whopping 10 career games. 10 games in 4 years! When people ask about his career, I pray that he says, "Yeah, I played four years in the NBA", like he was a starter or something. That would be hysterical.

Of course, it begs the question, why did we even make an Andre Brown poster? Or is it a team poster that only he signed? Either way it's hysterical. Tell your mom I'm in for $20. I'm dead serious. You will not outbid me for it.

Chris
We don’t' have the currency for this. They won't take real money from adults. It's for kids, and you have to have play money. Who knew that an autographed Andre Brown poster would be literally, priceless? I'm beside myself. It's a poster. Check it out.

Another thought on Andre Brown and his 4 seasons. He was a big dude. 6'8, 250, right? My question is this, if you are 6'8 or over and can't make it in the NBA, are you pretty much the biggest failure known to man. Maybe not even make it in the NBA, but at least have a respectable career in Europe. I mean, seriously, Brian Cardinal and Brian Scalabrine are still in the league. That's the standard. If you are 6'8 and show up to work on time, you can make it in the NBA for 10 years making 6 figures. If not, you are a loser. Those are the only 2 options really.

Graham
OK, fine, I'll give your mom $1000 in Monopoly money. Look, I'm serious, I want this poster. I'll make a donation to the school. Not like the kids will know, or care.

Anyway, I Googled him, and came across his Wikipedia page (and I can hardly express how happy it makes me that someone is taking the time and effort to painstakingly track Andre Brown's career and keep his Wikipedia page updated), and looks like he's bouncing around the world.

Here's the best part: his most recent gig was in Perth, Australia, where he signed a temporary deal that only became a full season contract when someone else got hurt. I mean, when you're signing a non-guaranteed deal in the Australian league and hoping for an injury, safe to say your career isn't where you thought it would be.

Chris
This brings up several questions.

1. Who the hell is updating the Andre Brown wiki page? If it isn't a family member, well then, it's officially the biggest loser I can think of.

2. Does the person that updates the page get updates on page views? If so, you just made his day. Hell, his month. Even RTS has more page views that than.

3. Does Andre Brown have an agent? I suppose he does. Does he get a cut of that Perth contract? And what would the cut be, $17 or so? Is it just an agent's intern that handles the "Brown account?" And when he got Andre that contract, did he go out drinking and yell, "Drinks on me tonight boys! I just re-upped the ‘Brown account’ for 7-10 days, maybe more if someone gets hurt!"

4. I told my mom your offer of $20 to the school, and no dice. Seriously, some kid is going to get this for $2.50 in fake money.

5. How soon before Thabeet is playing in Perth?

As for how this poster came about, I bet this happened. It's team signing day, and Andre Brown walks in and can't find anything with him on it. He just kinda stands there sheepishly with a sharpie in his hand. A team employee realizes how bad he must feel and says, "Oh, Andre, your stuff is still being brought down, it'll be here in a minute." That employee immediately runs to his office, goes to google images and prints out 20 copies of the 1 Andre Brown Grizzlies photo they can find and brings it down. He signs it and it immediately goes into the Community Relations stack, never to be seen again, until today!

Graham
The Wikipeda page killed me. Here's what it needs to say: "After a four-year career at DePaul, Brown bounced around overseas before playing 10 games in four seasons with four NBA teams. He then returned overseas and last played in Perth."

That's it. But there's someone out there who thinks the world needs tons of info on Andre Brown. And I guess today, we justified that need.

I'd love to know who Andre Brown's agent is. I'll bet he can't even remember he has him as a client.

Chris
By the way, the Andre Brown poster just sold for $4 in fake money. I'm crushed. But, upon further investigation, 2 more things have come up.

First, did you know Andre Brown was a 2000 McDonald's All American? Him and Z-Bo were both on that squad. As I always say, there's a fine line between Andre Brown and Zach Randolph.

What message would you write? I think I would put, "Andre Brown, the greatest what-might-have-been of his generation, just like Billy Zane."

I think we should buy this picture, frame it, and put RTS Champ on the frame. Then, every year, we have 1-2 contests between me and you and the winner gets the Brown framed picture, our trophy. And whenever you lose, you have to ship it to the other guy. What a hassle.

The contest could be anything. Football pick'em, fantasy basketball, random bet, etc. Just any time we feel like wagering on something, we bet the photo.

Graham
Dammit! I saw his stats on basketball-reference and they didn't match up with the nba.com stats, so I went back and it turns out nba.com listed preseason stats first, and that's where I got the 10 games in 4 years. Turns out he played 75 games in 3 years with 3 teams, with 1 start. And take one guess as to which team it was he got a start with. Go ahead, you'll never get it. Why the hell does nba.com lead with preseason stats?

Anyway, I definitely like the idea of sponsoring his page. But the message needs to be perfect if I'm shelling out the $10 for this. What if we did it and posted something that had nothing to do with Andre Brown. Like, "Chris said I needed to try the BK Double Stacker, but I'm not much of a Burger King guy, so I'll stick with McDonald's." I mean, the only people who are going to see that page are Andre and his family, so why not do something completely bizarre just to mess with them?

Or, what if we do it and list an email address where we can be reached at, and say we want to get in touch with him to discuss his career. Then maybe he emails us and we can do this really long interview with him and post it on RTS. I mean, this thing would be the most comprehensive Andre Brown interview of all-time. We'd go into detail about what happened in the Greek league last year. We'd blow it out.

By the way, if you had told me when I woke up today that I'd be spending the better part of my morning discussing the life and career of Andre Brown, odds are I might have doubted you.

As for the ebay auction, I like that it comes with a certificate of authenticity. Don't want to get ripped off. I'm in.

Chris
I found another one where we can make an offer. What offer should I send - 1 penny?

The lowest offer I could make was 99 cents plus $6 shipping. To think you offered the school $20 earlier. If this guy doesn't take the $1 plus shipping, well, he's an idiot. This is the ONLY offer he'll ever get.

Graham
I'm willing to go as high as $2, but that's it.

Chris
What's our first bet going to be?

Graham
First bet...hmm...if the Canucks make the Stanley Cup Finals, I take the Canucks, you take Tampa/Boston?

Chris
I was thinking this: You get Canucks to win the Stanley Cup and Heat to win the NBA Finals. I get the field on both. If you win both, you get the trophy. If I win, I get it. If we tie, a new bet starts.

Graham
I hate the Heat, but for an Andre Brown picture, I'll suck it up and cheer for them.

Chris
It really makes the most sense. You get the favorite in both, I get the field.

And honestly, if the Canucks win it all, you won't care if the Heat lose. That's the most likely scenario. C'mon Sharks! That's who I'm rooting for right now, right? What's the series at?

Graham
2-0 Vancouver

Chris
The guy declined my offer for $2.00 as well. I put the note, "Seriously, I'm buying this as a joke. Do you really think anyone else on the planet wants this?"

He turned down my $3.00 offer as well. I broke down and bought it for $7.95. Still a bargain for The Andre Brown. I will let you know when it arrives. Go Sharks! Go anyone but the Heat!

Graham
The EBay guy must be wondering what the hell happened that all of a sudden some guy was going crazy trying to get the Andre Brown from him. Probably wishes he'd priced it higher now.

5 comments:

Andre Brown has 3 kids by 2 different women, and 1 on the way with another. He does not support his kids. He is also a bit delusional and lives like he is still in the NBA. Mark Bartlestein is his ageant, and rarely returns his calls. He didnt last in the NBA because he was lazy, 2 concerned with spending and juggling women..TYPICAL

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About Me

Graham and Chris met while both worked for the Memphis Grizzlies. They bonded over a shared love for George Costanza's "Jerk Store" line.
Graham is now a freelance writer in Portland. Chris has never left Memphis for longer than 10 days, and, as cliché as it sounds, works in a cubicle almost 35 hours a week.
Drop us a line at Follow Chris on twitter @ChrisRTS or Graham @gmkendrick