Have you ever written a blog post only to log onto your website to find out they were only in your head and never actually made it to the page? Um, yeah… that’s me. I have “published” three blog posts in the past few months in case you were wondering. We will just move forward, ignoring that blatant four-month gap.

I don’t want to do an end of the year recap, because frankly, this year isn’t over and I am still working on my goals. 2018 isn’t the start of a bright and shiny new year; I will be moving on through, still chugging along from the month before. So I thought I would touch up on a few of the recent written subjects.

50 in 5: well that didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. [crickets chirping]

I have been working out with my WONDERFUL butt kicker of a trainer, Linzee, for nine months. I went into this weight loss round, totally thinking I could just do the same thing, the same old way I have been since my 20’s. Just work out for a little bit, via DVD, drop the pounds within the month and be back to normal. Nooooo way…. apparently when you turn 35, things change. Well things changed at 25… and at 30…. and now 35. Long gone were the days of just a few minimal changes to drop 10 pounds. And here to stay are the long-term, hard-working, less drinking, more focused, less vegging, everything sticks with you, days.

It probably wasn’t until last month, I finally realized I need to focus on THIS body (not my visions of years past) and stopped feeling like such a failure. It’s a process, not just a journey. You have to build muscle before being able to shed layers of fat. Looking back, I am stunned that at the beginning of this “project” I could barely hold a plank or do the dreaded walking lunge across the basketball court. But now my body is able to do…way WAY more! I may not know all the terminology when it comes to the fitness moves that Linzee uses, but I get the gestures. At 6:30 AM, it’s like trying to play Simon Says, and hoping that my body can coordinate what exercises she has in store, but I love it! I am encouraged every day to do better and work harder.

After the first six months with a personal trainer, I decided I wanted to buckle down on the nutrition and food. While I had increased my training sessions from two days a week to three, along with some random classes at the gym on the side, it wasn’t enough. I am a healthy eater, there is no doubt about it. But when it came to my stress level at work, that is a whole different subject. It was a matter of looking at the bigger picture, like what I ate throughout the day. I’m not one for fatty foods and high carbs; I enjoy fresh or blanched green vegetables, not dipped in Ranch dressing or fried in fat. To lose weight, I couldn’t go the easy route of cutting the soda or bread eating, as I already wasn’t eating that. For me, my weakness was stress = sugar. It didn’t matter what form it came in, I would take it. Pop-tarts, wine, cake, ice cream, wine, candy bars, did I say wine? All of the above. It wouldn’t necessarily be a daily thing, but more than a few times a week, which was one time too many.

I know that I am different, actually, scratch that! No one is alike. No body, no food pyramid, no metabolism, no digestive track… the list goes on and on. Each of our bodies process stuff differently and it has taken time for me to acknowledge it. Something that works for one person, may not work for another. I can’t bounce back like I could 10 years ago. My system can’t process eggs, dairy, or gluten, and struggles with animal protein (yeah, that was a fun roller coaster of a time of finding out).

So what do you do when you are finding out that your “food diary/ meal tracker” is great except for the slip-ups that happen more frequently than not? You add in other forms of exercise and solutions to being held to the promise you made to yourself. Besides the three days a week with Linzee, I have added on Yoga, Ballet Sculpt, and Tai Chi over the weekends. This is to help keep my stress level low and prepare my mind for when I go off my meds. I have a weekly weigh in and (the cringe worthy front, side, and back) photos, which holds me accountable along with seeing the physical side affects to what I am (or am not) doing. I can see the difference in my body after consuming high sodium food or wine for a day, versus clean eating and drinking only water. I’m proud of myself for admitting I needed help and grateful for Linzee to step up and take me on as a client. She has guided me from an embarrassed, self-conscious, flabby ass – to a proud, happy, and goal driven woman.

If you are interested in being whipped into shape, she’s available in Colorado and online! Check out her Instagram or Twitter for her latest photos, trends, and more information!

Surgery: It went well and I am fully recovered. I have a happy and healthy-ish uterus that is just itching for an embryo. Until then, I will keep focused on my mind and body. I need to keep my alcohol intake at basically none… and meditate more. Thanks to the classes at Cherry Creek Athletic Club, I am slowly learning yoga and tai chi or can hit up the treadmill for a quick burn or go for a swim to chill out.

I forgot: I failed to mention I got married… like 6 months ago. Completely eliminated the fear of fitting into a dress or planning the right party for hundreds of people. It was just me, my husband, and a signed legal document. Perfect.

And last but not least, because it is the holiday season, I thought I’d share our postcard this year I’m pretty proud of being able to create it during my first go round with Adobe Photoshop and in 45 minutes! Major kudos to Lisa Glanz and her portrait creator for making the hardest part easy.

Last week I had a hysteroscopy procedure to remove the septum in my uterus. What? Did you just say septum… like in your nose? Yes, it is exactly like that. In fact, I kept making jokes while waiting to be rolled into the surgical room, that it was my third septoplasty…but enough of that, more lame jokes later to come. And if you are already feeling creeped out by the words on the page, you might want to stop here.

Since my endometriosis has been pretty well managed for the past 16 years, I thought, “Hey, let’s find out what else is messed up with KK”. And sure enough, after completing the HSG test, I found out that I was born with a wall in my uterus, dividing it in half, straight down the middle. The septum is believed to be a malformation developed in utero. It is a fibrous tissue (with no nerves or blood) so it is easily removed, they snip/burn it away until it is gone. The abnormality is found in about 1% of women, and can cause about 85% chance of miscarriage because it alters the shape and size of the available uterus along with no tissue or blood supply for an embryo to grow on.

Yes, you heard right, I am part of the 1%!!!!! Oh… wait, not THAT 1%. Dang it! I could think of a better 1% group I would like to be a part of, but eh, I’ll take what I can get. In case you wanted some more numbers, facts, and figures to throw around: I am now 1% of women with a Septate Uterus, 10% of women with Endometriosis, and 25% of women with a tipped/tilted/retroverted uterus. No stats on ladies with partial cervix due to the LEEP and Cone Biopsy, but you can include me in that group too! Oh Joy!

Back to the procedure… it was a simple procedure, in fact, easier than when I had the laparoscopy to clean out the endo tissue growth and scars. In order to remove the septum, my doctor used a tiny scope, going through the vagina and cervix, which she attached different instruments to the end. First a snip-snip to cut away the tissue, then a twizzle stick (yes, named after the candy) with a ball on the end to scrape and clean up what was left. Then you get a cute little triangle pillow to fit perfectly inside your uterus to keep the walls separated while healing and preventing the septum from growing back. Seriously, the little balloon is too cute! No bigger than a quarter and only holds 2 milliliters of water. No stitching or sewing – just some lite spotting and back to business.

Well I didn’t get the balloon. If you saw my face after the surgery when my doctor told me what she replaced it with, I was definitely in disbelief. I had to ask her to repeat herself. Don’t get me wrong, the surgery went well – she was able to remove the septum. But the cute, tiny, little balloon was not there. Apparently my cervix was too small for the balloon to get thru (assuming it had to do with some of the damage from LEEP/Cone biopsy) so I was left with an old man catheter. Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up. I have 8 inches of tubing hanging out me that I tape to my leg to avoid it falling in the toilet.

The past week has been an interesting ride. Besides learning how to deal with my dangling bits, tucking them here and there, I was also put on Estrogen. I have dealt with hormone changes before, with the Lupron Depot shots that put me through menopause…twice. But going from continuous birth control (to keep the endo at bay) and switching to a double dose of estrogen was a doozy! I was up and moving by the weekend with the only pain coming from my cramping uterus, but the emotional reactions to a slight draft of wind was not expected. I wasn’t even aware of it until Eric reminded me of the hormone replacement treatment. I was standing in the Hermes store, flipping through the bag catalog, longing for the beloved Berkin, when Eric walked up to me and said, “you look like you want to go home to curl up in a ball and cry”. Yeah – that pretty much summed it up.

Tomorrow I go in for my post appointment. Over the last week the hormones have leveled out (still bleeding and cramping), adjusted to wearing a pad with granny panties, and finally mastered how to sit in my office chair comfortably without tugging on my tubing or the hard plastic tip digging into my leg. So tomorrow I guess I get to go back to being “normal”. I will still be on the estrogen for another two weeks to ensure my uterus continues to grow and heal but it will be nice to be back in regular clothing that doesn’t need to accommodate my pseudo wiener. Speaking of food… due to the cravings and mood swings, I have been eating more comfort foods than I should and put on some pounds (shhh don’t tell my trainer). Deep down I know that it was all worth it, no matter how annoying or emotionally draining it may have been at times. I have put a lot of work into have the healthiest reproductive system possible and it would be stupid to stop now. I’m one step closer to starting the IVF process and the hope of having bio-kids.

Oh! I almost forgot – if you were wondering what the favorite joke of the surgical center was, it was my mothers joke that I was getting a “womb with some room”. *rim shot*

For an extra giggle – here is a picture of Eric trying to mansplain my uterus via Skype after my HSG test. Luckily we were both wrong with the possibility of having a bicornate uterus

I have managed to make it just over two months. I have survived 20 sessions with my trainer, and just signed up for even more! I am happy that I chose to get a personal trainer. Yes, it is expensive and I truly can’t afford it, but I am making it work. As I have said before, this is an investment, one with myself that I can’t afford not to.

I won’t lie, it has been a frustrating ride. The first workout session was gruesome. Ugh, I didn’t realize how bad I let my muscles deteriorate. In the end, I was left feeling like a limp noodle, stuck at the bottom of the pot… and surprisingly I got the “high”. You know, the kind they talk about with runners. And unfortunately, it didn’t last long. Apparently, you only get one, or at least that is what I got. The following Thursday session… Nothing. Nada tostada! Just felt exhausted and run down.

I also realized that my asthma was worse than I thought. Even though my mom and brother have been dealing with it for decades, I wasn’t diagnosed with asthma until a few years ago. After my first two sessions with the trainer, I had to do something about the lack of breathing and went to see my doctor. I was having such a hard time breathing and even a day later, felt like someone had taken a scrub brush and shoved it down my throat; inflammation central! We are currently on the third trial of a new every day inhaler along with an asthma/allergy pill, Singulair. What we have done has helped, but I am still doing at least four puffs from my emergency inhaler during my hour-long session. By the way, if you are looking for an awesome Allergy, Asthma, and Immunologist – Dr. Fieman is fabulous!

As for the weight… I have only lost a few pounds here and there. That’s it! Disappointing to say the least. I had it in my head that when I changed my diet and introduced intense exercise, the pounds would just melt off. So much for the 50 in 5… but I still have time. I wish I would have taken my measurements before starting so I could see if there was a change there. There has been muscle growth as I can feel the difference when lifting weights, but I am not sure of how much. Based on old clothes that I can fit back into, I would say I have lost about 10 inches; 3.5 in the waist, 1.25 in each arm, and 2 in each thigh.

With the lack of weight loss, I am working on not drinking all together. While I was still incorporating those calories into my food tracker, I know it is hindering my weight loss. So… bye bye glass of wine after work… hello tea! My therapist and I figured out that I have been using alcohol to relax and come down from the stress of the work day. Even when I have taken time out to meditate in the middle of the day, it wasn’t enough. I stopped buying wine for the house, but would still find myself stopping by the bar on the way home for a drink to chill out for a bit. It is also a good habit for when I (hopefully) become pregnant. While the tea helps as something to sip on, I have found that listening to my current my audio book and laying down in bed with the lights off works better.

To wrap this up, I thought I would share some of the things that I have learned since starting this whole 50 in 5 thing.

Fitness Trainers are awesome! Without a trainer, I wouldn’t have the willpower to push myself to the point of muscle exhaustion. I would have quit 2/3 of the way through; each day and each time

Don’t forget your sunglasses! It may be 5:30AM when you get to the gym, but when you leave, the sun is up and blinding you in the eyes

Best feeling in the world? Getting into the car, resting my hot sweaty body on the cool leather seats. Just a little sigh of relief after some hard work

An even better feeling? Walking into work, knowing I have already kicked some ass today, and it isn’t even 9:00AM

It is hard not to let my depression take a hold of me and stop me from going to my bi-weekly sessions

After 35, 30, or even 25 years of age, your body doesn’t respond/ function the same way it used to

~Side note: thanks to the TimeHop App, I have noticed the pattern of doing this weight gain/weight loss every year around the same time. The only difference was I never was this heavy and always able to shed the 15-20 pounds and get back down to 130 pounds

I am ready to step up my game. No more “cheat” days that turn into cheat weeks. I need to stay with my strict meal plan and keep making every meal. Meal prep SUCKS but makes such a difference – when I sneak in the meals out or sugary treat(s), my body shows it and feels it.
Since I am able to breathe and my strength has increased, I know my body and mind can do more. So besides my two workout sessions with my trainer, I am adding on two classes over the weekend. I am thinking the Ballet Sculpt and yoga (not hot yoga, I would die). Maybe a Zumba class too? I will try a month of these changes – hope the changes will make a more dramatic difference which would help inspire me to keep going. I will write again in a month with an update – and measurements! Cheers.