Things that Needed to be Said

On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see
who's got the better imaginary friend."

-- Rich Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."

-- Gary Valentine

On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience
childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."

-- Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'"

-- John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my
purse.'"

-- Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type
in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer
will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"

-- Rich Jeni

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

-- Jimmy Shubert

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either
you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."