Archive for the ‘Eris’ Category

Every once in a while I like to sit back and think about who I would cast as Eris if I was ever forced to make a movie which featured her in any way . . . many different people have occured to me over time, some appropriate and some less so . . . there are a couple who seem to keep popping up, and the earliest one (in my mind, anyway) would be Polly Jean Harvey. She might have been better about ten years ago, but on the other hand she somehow looks younger now than she did ten years ago, so it may be a moot point.

One need only be slightly acquainted with PJ to realize that she is more than slightly eccentric, and sort of looks the part as well. I’ve never seen her act, although I’m pretty sure she is in some Hal Hartley film as the Virgin Mary . . . or perhaps Mary Magdalene, I can’t remember which. At any rate, the proof as to whether she can act or not is out there somewhere, I’ve simply yet to see it.

Lately, however, the person I would most like to cast is from my own hometown: Hogtown. She may not be as popular with the youngins today as she was a few years ago, but I think Peaches would be perfect as Eris.

She already has her own connection to the Burning Bush, which makes it all the more “precious” . . . but she simply comes across as completely mad and unable to care what other people think. I think she would be absolutely wonderful, whether she can act or not.

I thought I had woken up after sleeping uncomfortably in bed, however, this couldn’t be true as there was no longer any bed under me, only a sparkly brown and yellow dirt. I stood up and looked around me. In the distance were mountains, far closer was a low flat topped hill. It was like nowhere I had been before, yet intimately familiar. Then I saw her. Dressed in full bronze armour, a helmet over her head and a double bladed sword in her hand, she walked up to me. As I got closer, I saw that her hair and armour were covered in blood, a large shield with an apple covering it, the word written on it clearly visible.

“Ah” I said. “OK then. Whats all this about?”

The golden eyes within the helm looked at me. “Its for my amusement and for your possible education. After all, isn’t all life but a learning experience?”

“I thought that was all Yahweh’s shit, testing people and so on?”

“Its not really a test though, is it? You can’t fail, or succeed, only learn from it.”

With that, she beckoned, then turned and started to walk away. I followed, seeing what she had in store. We stopped suddenly. Looking down, I saw two weapons on the ground, a short sword and a hammer. “Choose only one” she said. I thought for a moment, then reached for the hammer. The sword had the advantage of an edge, but was purely a killing weapon. Hammers had utility in their favour. I stood back up straight, but Eris had vanished. Making my way back to the plains, I saw suddenly a flurry of activity there. Walking down the hill, I saw that they were men and women, all busily at work, consuming the resources of the area to make new things. But as I drew closer there were other things I noticed.

They walked curiously, sometimes bumping into others thats transected their paths. Instead of stopping or apologizing, they just carried on. Occasionally when it came to several against one, the one got trampled on. I also watched as they fashioned bladed items and handed them to others, cutting them as they grabbed it and took it to other areas around the plains, where they were dumped in piles for more blind drones to fall over. One man just ate continually as he walked, whatever he could find, if it was food or rock he didn’t care. Blood ran from his mouth and there were children following him, crying out in hunger. Seeing as he was closest, I walked up beside him and shouted “hey!” It didn’t have an effect, so I attempted to grab some of the food he had held against his body by his arm. Immediately, he grabbed me and shouted “get off my stuff, FUCKER!” and nearly broke my arm shoving me to the ground. I let him walk on, then dusted myself off and rubbed my arm until some life came back into it.

Getting up and moving on, I made my slow way to the flat hill I had seen at the centre of the plains, watching as I went the mechanical scenes of destruction and mindless suffering. Making my way onto the flat surface, I saw someone had erected a huge tablet in the centre, with writing on it. Getting closer, the writing was obvious. Words and phrases jumped out, such as “everyone shall be subject only to such limitations as are determined by law solely for the purpose of securing due recognition and respect for the rights and freedoms of others and of meeting the just requirements of morality, public order …”.

Under that though, other words could be noticed, as I drew closer, such as “endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” But under that there were even older scratchings and carvings. I made out one barely, that read “ now on, till (Ahura) Mazda grants me the kingdom favor, I will impose my monarchy on no nation. Each is free to accept it , and if any one of them rejects it , I never resolve on war to reign.” But even under these carvings there were the oldest ones, the ones that had always been there. “Blood shall be spilled and more blood, for there is never enough…”, “war brings strength and only the strong have the right to rule” and “cities of the nations the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them–the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites– as the LORD your God has commanded you. Otherwise, they will teach.”

I had an idea as to what to do. Lifting the hammer, I swung as hard as possible and struck the tablet. As the first crack appeared, everyone stopped what they were doing, at started to move towards me, an urgency in their step that I hadn’t seen before propelling them. Spurred on, I struck again and again, until the tablet crumbled, its lower sections totally destroyed, collapsing in on itself. But what I saw horrified me. Instead of stopping what they had been doing, or even attacking me, the crowds had turned on each other. They were spilling blood and crushing bones, like a horrible theatre that would never end. I noticed that an armoured figure was beside me again. “Why are they doing this?” I demanded. “Why didn’t it help them?”

“Whoever said it would help?” came the reply from under the helm. “You think they want to have their illusions ripped from them, the true extent of their handiwork displayed for them and everyone else to see? They’ll torture themselves with guilt, unless they can lay the blame on someone else. You were a target first, but then they saw what those around them forced them to do too. Consider the lesson taught.”

CALIFORNIA — Oil exploration work in California’s Central Valley region has uncovered what some scientists have referred to as “The Cereal Bowl Of Eris”. The 5.5km-wide bowl is buried under shale sediments west of Stockton, in San Joaquin County, and is thought to be between 37 and 49 million years old.

Researchers are continuing to analyse cuttings from oil exploration wells drilled in the structure. Details of the discovery were presented at the Lunar and Planetary Science Conference in Houston, strangely enough where a completely separate lecture about the dwarf planet Eris was also being discussed. Scientist Dr. Ruben Valletta was quoted as saying: “It’s gotta be one of them coincidences.”

Data from a 3D seismic survey of an ancient sea bed clearly shows a circular structure buried 1,490-1,600m (4,890-4,250ft) below sea level, while nearby is what could be a rather large spoon.

The Victoria Island Bowl, as it has been officially named, has a concentric rim surrounding a “central uplift” – a peak at the centre – which are both characteristic of divine cereal bowls, like the Great Cereal Bowl Of Yahweh found near Beersheba, Israel in 1997. When asked for a comment Goddess of Strife, Eris Nancy Discordia said: “I’M GLAD THEY FOUND IT… I USED IT FOR SOUP TOO.”

The Nineteenth of Groucho is the birthdate of two separate bearded ladies, and is thus an extremely holy day. First, this day is the birthdate of Paula the Bearded Lady, who prayed to the Goddess for a beard to discourage the attentions of a young man, who could speak only of his carriage, and how many horses pulled it: her prayers were promptly answered, and a fine robust goatee sprouted from her chin, giving her a sudden taste for jazz music.

St Wilgefortis, a completely fictional saint, and therefor completely glorious in the eyes of the Goddess, was the daughter of the equally fictional King of Portugal, a compltely fictional country still believed in by many fools today. The King wished her to marry the King of Sicily, a semi-fictional island off the coast of Italy, once inhabited by giant Cyclopses. Wilgefortis had taken a vow of virginity, and so prayed for a beard to turn off her suitor. Her prayer was also granted by the Goddess, and she was then crucified by her father.

It is prudent at this point to remind people that praying to the Goddess is an unwise move in any situation.

Howdy all . . . I wanted to pass along a few things to Hoopla to remind you all about . . . first, I don’t really exist, but then again, neither do you, so we’re even . . . second, no huge disasters have taken place recently, but remember: they happen. You always seem so shocked. It would be amusing, if it weren’t so tedious. Third, no matter what anyone has told you, watching “Grey’s Anatomy” doesn’t make you smarter, no television shows make you smarter – except “Laverne & Shirley”, but its off the air now . . . last, and quite possibly least, rewriting the Principia Discordia doesn’t negate the original text, it simply makes your re-write superfluous . . . if you have a new idea, write a new book, Asshole. So long, suckers.

I stumbled across this group about a year ago, meant to look into them more, then completely forgot about it, as is my unfortunate wont. For some reason I stumbled across them again last week and decided to test the waters with them . . . they didn’t seem like the kind of group open to just anyone but I was interested to see. I suspected they couldn’t be as insufferable as the GD, but who knows?

I filled out the online application form, and was quite pleased that I was able to list “The creation of the Nation of Quebec” as one, feeling certain this would gain me access to the group. Just to be safe, I made sure to include my desire to give a speech outlining the esoteric aspects of the Carry On film series – knowing that it would cinch the deal . . .

Well, it’s been over a week and I still haven’t heard back from the Eris Society . . . I guess my initial reaction must be right, I guess they are just fat, spoiled, middle-aged hippies who feel guilty that they sold out so early and are now desperately attempting to cling to the last faded vestiges of their youthful anarchism.

I hope they read up on Eris thoroughly, though, before they decided to take her as their namesake – she has a way of dealing with people who pay only lip service.