Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Creepy is Fun

A number of years ago, I was at some function at a convention center, and the idiots running it made me wear a name tag that had my legal first name written on it.

You know those blue and white, "Hello! My name is _____" badges of stupidity? Yeah!

My full name is Gilbert Theodore. Only judges and doctors called me Gilbert. Everybody calls me Ted and at work, I'm Uncle Ted. More on that later.

So I'm wearing my shitty name tag and I notice a table of hotties laughing and drinking coffee. They were MILFs because they were older than myself.

I walked up to lay down my mojo and one of them made a comment about my name.

"Is that what your mother calls you, Gilbert?" The way she said my last name pissed me off. Something about her sing-songish tone.

"No," I said. "It isn't."

"So what does your mother call you," she asked.

I smiled and said, "Creepy!"

Cue the uncomfortable laughter and look of fear across their faces.

You have to have fun when you can.

Today's story is why I got called Uncle Ted at work and how the creepier comments I've made came to pass.

First, you have to realize I work with underage kids. My company sometimes hires kids who are still in high school as part time employees. Most of them are decent kids just trying to earn a few extra dollars so they can pay for their car insurance, get a better stereo or smart phone. Most are seventeen, a few are sixteen and once in a while they hire a fifteen year-old.

Most of them leave me alone. But every once in a while, a female decides to be a problem. One girl used to talk about how badly she needed to get laid. One day she followed me outside on break, got on her knees in front of me, looked up with wide eyes and began to rub my belly. Jail bait just waiving under my nose, as it were.

She wasn't attracted to me. None of them ever are. No, it's a power thing for them. They want to get a rise out of the old guy. They want to flirt and tease to see if they can get a reaction. Silly girls do silly things.

I got sick of the whole mess because it just seemed like a mean thing to do to a guy. So, me being the guy in the creepy van, I decided to let them know it was a bad idea to do that to me.

The first thing I did was give them a warning shot. I would ask how old they were.

When they replied they were seventeen or whatever, I would wrinkle my nose, scowl and say, "Meh, too old!" And then I would ignore them.

If that didn't work, and it hasn't worked in only two occasions, the Uncle Ted nickname comes into play.

I've had a couple of nicknames at work. As part of my efforts to be pre-emptively creepy to avoid the situations mentioned previously, one of my nicknames was Tedobear. My friends and I spent a couple of days working that one out. The day we thought of it was a triumphant one indeed. My friends loved saying it. But a manager there knew what it meant and didn't like it so much. He removed it off the various boards, signs and whatnot around the workplace. Some shit about "professional environment" and how it was not "work appropriate."

I thought it was bullshit because I figured as long as I show up moderately sober and wearing pants, anything else they get is gravy and they should be satisfied. Ecstatic, really. Maybe even grateful. I'm a special guy, after all.

I had been helping a couple of kids there with some car problems, and another with a series of personal issues, and another with some health problems. The result was somebody started to call me Uncle Ted. To add a touch of creepy to it, we began to say Uncle Ted--The uncle with benefits.

This is the final hex. The last warning to these underage girls who were flirting with me and really getting to be a problem. One used to wear low-cut blouses and bend over in front of me. She would sit next to me and talk about giving blowjobs. She was only seventeen. It was beginning to be a problem. Thankfully, that was the last time I had to worry about it. After that, no more underage girls tried to get a reaction out of me, much to my relief.

Working with underage girls isn't always a problem, though. I can be a great opportunity--especially if you want to troll your family. Many years ago, we had a girl working there who was seventeen and extremely pregnant. Because she was so young and tiny, she could have passed for fifteen or younger. I wanted so badly to bring her to a family reunion or picnic. I wouldn't really say much, just introduce her and then dote on her all day, making sure she had a ton of food and was happy. All the while, my family would be going nuts wondering if I was the father of that beach ball she had tucked under her shirt. Plus, they would spend a hour guessing how old she was.

"Ted," they would ask. "Who is your friend?"

"Oh," I would say aloofly. "That's Sara (or whatever)."

And then I'd walk away while trying not to smile. I told the girl my plans and she called me evil. Then she said she would never do that to my family because from the way it sounded to her, I was a troll just trying to cause trouble. Then she and her boyfriend laughed because, as she said, "That's really funny but so wrong."