Thursday, July 11, 2013

Because woe (and woah), there are some insidious pants trends rising up from the drop-crotched pits of Hades.

I know I've written about pants before on the blog. Longtime readers will recall my disdain for harem pants, rompers, and jeggings.

But dudes. It is getting SO. MUCH. WORSE.

I mean, what in the ever-loving fuck is this supposed to be?

I'm sorry, but soooooo.... now it's acceptable to steal Subway Jared's old Levi's, hot glue gun them to ill-fitting sweats like some kind of nightmarish, thigh-puckered Frankenstein monster, cuff them (insult, meet injury), and then throw on a PVC bra and Zack Morris' 1991 flat top and call it a motherfucking day?

And it's not just the C-listers deciding it's OK to go all sartorially Sybil below the belt.

That is Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar winner. Appearing in public in half of a "palazzo pant" (and the only thing worse than saying pant in the singular is actually wearing pant leg, in the singular, Katniss) and half of something from the surplus stock of the 1988 Julia Sugarbaker Tuxedo for Her Collection for JC Penny (which only exists in my mind, but still.)

Jennifer. You are a ROLE MODEL for IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG GIRLS. Stop day drinking and find some bottoms that are not conjoined fraternal twins.

I'm sorry; I'm getting upset. Let me simmer a minute.

BIEBER, I SAID I WAS SIMMERING! Whhhhhyyyyyyyyy must you taunt me? And whhhheeeeere did you get the pants from my limited-edition NKOTB Concert Edition Jordan Knight doll? He is only 12" tall--THOSE ARE TOO SMALL FOR YOU!!! The man in the background is wearing both a jacket AND a hoodie, so surely you must feel a stiff breeze somewhere in your crackal region. P.S. If you can poop without removing any clothing YOU ARE WEARING YOUR PANTS WRONG.

Oh, good. Phew. That's better. You can definitely poop into those without anyone being the wiser.

R.I.P., pants. I'll always remember you as being two identical legs with a seam that hugs the genitals, and a waist that causes muffin top in the sides, not the upper buttocks.

You tried your best to shine, but you were just too good for this world.

It's been a while since I've seen Miley in any pants. She usually just wears her underwear with high boots. Well there is her pants made of "white paint" in her trashy video. Luckily no one can see a picture of my "gained a few pounds" mom pants.