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The banning of the subreddit /r/TheFappening has many of us wondering… what are they trying to hide? Is this a coverup? And if so, who benefits? Here are some of our pet theories that have been going around the Illuminaughty Boutique offices.

1. Jennifer Lawrence is the Sasquatch

I wonder if the carpet matches the… hmm. It’s pretty much all carpet, I guess. Must take a long time to shave!

2. Ariana Grande is Nessie

That cute top-knot thing she’s been doing? THAT IS ACTUALLY HER NECK AND HEAD.

3. McKayla Maroney is the Chupacabra

She is not having it– unless “it” is fresh goat blood.

4. Kate Upton is the Manananggal

Rumors are flying about that she might not only separate from her boyfriend Justin Verlander, but also that she might separate her torso from her legs and fly around terrorizing the locals.

5. Kaley Cuoco is the Mongolian Death Worm

We’d had our suspicions all along.

One final possibility…

EVERYONE IS A LIZARD. ERRBODY IN HOLLYWOOD IS A LIZARD. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. ALL OF THEM. EVERY ONE.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

We at Illuminaughty Boutique would first like to thank you for over a decade of leadership of the forces of good on the Internet. Where would we be without Wikipedia? Our guess is quite a bit dumber, albeit perhaps a bit better rested. There’s no better time to read up on Tuvan throat-singing than 3:45 a.m. on a Wednesday.It is with that great esteem in mind that we write to you today.

It has been argued recently that when a monkey takes a selfie, it belongs to all of us, as a monkey is not a legal person and is therefore incapable of holding copyright. Other selfies would, by Geneva Copyright Convention, fall under the immediate copyright of the author of the work. But we believe that copyright is a shitty way to protect privacy, and that our culture has a bunch of problems with women that can’t be solved merely by quibbling over who has the rights to what.

Additionally, what constitutes fair use of a purloined selfie? The mind recoils.

What we need to do is work as a culture to decrease the stigma around nude photos. And this is where we believe that you are uniquely postured to make a difference. By releasing a set of nude selfies– even just one really good one, we’re not picky– into the public domain, you can show that a respected and intelligent person can also be awkwardly naked on camera, and it’s no big deal.

Information wants to be free (balling). We know we can count on you.

I beg to remain, Sir, your most humble and obedient servant,

Adam Weishaupt
Illuminaughty Boutique

P.S. If you wanted to team up with Lawrence Lessig and do like a tag-team bit, that’d be cool too. Just sayin’.

PEOPLE OF AMERICA, A SECOND FAPPENING IS UPON YOU. WE HAVE COME INTO POSSESSION OF NUDE SELFIES OF THE FOLLOWING PROMINENT INDIVIDUALS, WHICH WE WILL UNLEASH ONTO THE POPULACE IF OUR DEMANDS ARE NOT MET. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Alexander, Lamar

Atkinson, Rowan

Bachus, Spencer

Baier, Bret

Beck, Glenn

Beckel, Bob

Belzer, Richard

Biden, Joe

Bieber, Justin

Black, Jack

Blitzer, Wolf

Boehner, John

Bolton, John

Bolton, Michael

Boozman, John

Brownback, Sam

Buchanan, Pat

Burton, Dan

Buscemi, Steve

Busey, Gary

Bush, George H.W.

Butterfield, G.K.

Cain, Herman

Cardin, Ben

Carper, Tom

Carville, James

Cavuto, Neil

Chafee, Lincoln

Chambliss, Saxby

Cheney, Dick

Christie, Chris

Coats, Dan

Coble, Howard

Coltrane, Robbie

Coons, Chris

Crosby, David

Cross, David

Cuomo, Andrew

Curry, Tim

Dafoe, Willem

Daniels, Mitch

DeMint, Jim

Devito, Danny

Doocy, Steve

Franken, Al

Frelinghuysen, Rodney

Giamatti, Paul

Gleeson, Brendan

Gohmert, Louie

Gottfried, Gilbert

Graham, Lindsey

Grint, Rupert

Guzman, Luis

Hagee, John

Hannity, Sean

Hatch, Orrin

Inhofe, Jim

King, Angus

King, Peter

King, Steve

Koch, Charles

Koch, David

Krauthammer, Charles

Kristol, Bill

Limbaugh, Rush

Loaf, Meat

Lovitz, Jon

Macy, William H.

Malkovich, John

McCain, John

McConnell, Mitch

Moore, Michael

Myers, Mike

Nader, Ralph

Nash, Graham

Nolte, Nick

North, Oliver

Nugent, Ted

O’Briain, Dara

O’Reilly, Bill

Osment, Haley Joel

Osteen, Joel

Otter, Butch

Pence, Mike

Perot, H. Ross

Perry, Rick

Rangel, Charlie

Reid, Harry

Reilly, John C.

Richards, Keith

Rivera, Geraldo

Robertson, Pat

Rokita, Todd

Romney, Mitt

Ruppersberger, Dutch

Ryan, Paul

Sajak, Pat

Sanders, Bernie

Sanford, Mark

Schiff, Richard

Shawn, Wallace

Stills, Stephen

Stockman, Steve

Trump, Donald

Waits, Tom

Walken, Christopher

Walker, Scott

Waxman, Henry

Willard, Fred

Williams, Juan

Young, Neil

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.