Conservatives Will Always Hate the Mainstream Media, But You Knew That

A common refrain during every election cycle is that the media cares about nothing except the horse race aspect of the story. And while there's some truth to that, the constant poll-shifting headlines and so forth, the metaphor doesn't quite work anymore. For one thing, most people know that most of what's happening right now is pointless. For another, if you approached a horse and asked it a series of questions on public policy, you would get a better answer than what you got last night.

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Straight answers were in short supply at the debate hosted, or perpetrated, depending on whom you ask, by CNBC. And true to form, a majority of the post-game analysis was directed at the media. "CNBC should be ashamed of how this debate was handled," Reince Priebus, chair of the Republic National Committee tweeted after the debate. "In fairness, dealing with stupid questions from ignorant egomaniacs will be a job requirement for presidents so long as there's a US Senate," added David Frum, a Canadian. The problem with this tact is that it makes you sound like a whining sports fan spending an entire game complaining that the refs and the commentators have it out for your guys: it doesn't change anything, and you're still a loser in the end.

In Reince's defense, many members of the media are pretty terrible, and I know because I interact with them on Twitter all day. CNN informed me, for example, that in his prep for the debate Ben Carson took a nap. Much of the commentary after the undercard was as deep as a ramekin of ranch dressing. Lindsey Graham came out on top based in large part on the zip of his one-liners. He was in the Zinger Zone, one of the cable news touts called it, which sounds like a particularly tragic open mic night. It's the only way to draw attention to yourself during these things, a host of chortling nincompoops on CNN agreed. Up until today I had honestly forgotten that George Pataki still had his meaty paw pressed up against the pick-up trick. While both men comported themselves well, if for no other reason than they pledged allegiance to the laws of science, setting themselves apart from their brethren of flunking pastors on the right, neither of them are ever going to so much as sniff the Oval Office.

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The candidates were similarly disgruntled about the media throughout the main debate, which I watched at home on a slight DVR delay, which meant I was on roughly the same reaction schedule as Dr. Carson. "Democrats have the ultimate Super PAC, it's called the mainstream media," Marco Rubio whinnied to CNBC's Carl Quintanilla, Becky Quick, and John Harwood, who, for my money, actually did a fine job of basting the political roast over the course of the night. Trump, predictably, instructed the swarm of nanobots that operate his exoskeleton to gin up crocodile tears over what he perceived as a factually incorrect statement from Quick about Rubio and Mark Zuckerberg's bromance. He was wrong about her being wrong, ultimately, but who's keeping track?

John Kasich once again proved he's the only adult chaperone on the field trip, albeit one you wouldn't want to chat with on the bus ride for fear you might get to know him better. Kasich called out Carson's plan to institute a flat tax based on the concept of Biblical tithing. He also shot down Trump's deportation scheme:"This stuff is fantasy." Maybe so, but in fantasy's defense, most fairy tales at least adhere to their own internal logic. Trump, like a teenager having a Facebook meltdown over an ex-best friend, pointed out Kasich got lucky in Ohio with the fracking boom; was on the board of the predatory Lehman Brothers; and took a swipe at his low poll numbers.

Carly Fiorina put forth an air of steel confidence and resolve, cutting through the constant back and forth about tax reform. "We've been talking about doing this for decades ... we never get it done … it never happens," she said. Her plan is to edit the tax code down from 70,000 pages to three in order to feel the playing field. "Three pages is the maximum a small business owner or a farmer can understand without hiring somebody," she said. This was a compliment?

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Elsewhere, Rubio was brought in front of the truant officer and questioned about his continued absence at work. Does he hate his job? Wouldn't it be better for him to slow down and wait until he's a little more seasoned before playing with the old timers?

"Wait for what?" Rubio said. "We can't afford to have another four years like the last eight years. If we don't act now, we're going to be the first generation in American history that leaves out children worse off than our own."

He was responding to a strong editorial in his home state's Sun Sentinel calling for his resignation, which he blamed on bias in the American media. John Kerry missed a lot of votes, and yet they endorsed him, he said, using a tactic that I remember coming in handy when I was a dishwasher at Pizza Hut asking why I was the only one getting fired for smoking pot on my break.

The rest of Rubio's night was spent sniping back and forth with Bush, the Richie Tenenbaum of presidential politics. It was the second most thrilling fight between two Floridians this week since Zola went on that ill-fated strip club jaunt. "Someone has convinced you that attacking me is going to help you," Rubio said to Bush, who, otherwise, he deemed beneath his criticism. Like Christie, Rubio seems to be under the impression he's already running against Hilary Clinton, but that sort of tactic is reserved for frontrunners.

As for Christie, the second most noteworthy flailing blimp in the news this week, he managed to work in a good point after Bush spent far too much time talking about his fantasy football team. (The fact that Bush has Ryan Tennehill as his starting QB is a pretty good indicator that he's not fit to lead).

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Carson was hammered over his connection to the Texas-based medical supplement-maker Mannatech, a company accused of misleading advertising. Carson said he had no official connection to the company, although he did manage to endorse its product on the spot. The crowd booed the line of questioning for the frontrunner, likely thinking it was another example of the media being too hard on the candidates. Turns out he was lying, by the way. Liberal bias works in mysterious ways.

Rand Paul and Mike Huckabee were also on the stage.

Leave it to Ted Cruz, who is somehow still lingering around like yesterday's brisket fart, to put a point on the theme of the night.

"You look at the questions: 'Donald Trump, are you a comic-book villain?' 'Ben Carson, can you do math?' 'John Kasich, will you insult two people over here?' 'Marco Rubio, why don't you resign?' 'Jeb Bush, why have your numbers fallen?'" Cruz said. "The contrast with the Democratic debate, where every fawning question from the media was, 'Which of you is more handsome and why?'"

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