The One Question That Can Also Be an Answer

The summer of 2014 was a difficult period for me. We’d just moved to a new state and left behind friends who were like family. The deadline to submit the first draft of my second book was looming, and I found myself unable to write. During this time of uncertainty and upheaval, my sister Rebecca came to visit. I wanted to be the fun, adventurous host and show her our new city. I planned things for us to do, but when it came down to it, I simply could not hide my despair. One morning, when misplaced fishing nets from the Dollar Store nearly caused a breakdown, Rebecca gently touched my arm. “How can I help?”

My sister was not talking about the fishing nets.

I felt my eyes instantly well with tears, and then I let out a mammoth-sized exhale. Sweet, sweetrelief. My sister saw my pain … she saw I was going through something … she wanted to ease my burden. All this—and I never had to say a word. She just knew.

Furthermore, there was something about that question that kept defensiveness, excuses, and the need to explain out of the conversation. How can I help? It was much less intrusive than, “What’s wrong?” It was much more supportive than, “What’s your problem?” With one single question, my sister acknowledged my struggle and offered to lighten my load. All this—and I never had to say a word. It was the kind of help I most needed in that moment.

Rebecca proceeded to throw out specific ways she could help. I did not take her up on the kind offers at that moment, but knowing I had options made me feel more hopeful about my current situation.

From that experience, my list of Soul-Building Words—words that lift … help … and heal—grew by one. Little did I know how that question—how can I help?—would become an answer for my child this spring.

My daughters and I were doing spring cleaning of our closets and trying on clothes. My younger daughter was excited to see her three favorite dresses from last spring. But with each ill-fitting experience, she became solemn. I noticed a distinct change in her expression—like the sun suddenly went behind the clouds.

“I want to be healthier, Mama,” she said quietly.

“What do you mean?” I asked wanting to make sure I understood what this precious eight-year-old child was saying.

After a long pause contemplating how to put her feelings into words she simply said, “I just want to be healthier.”

Something told me this was not the time to ask for details.
Something told me this was not the time to push for specifics.
Something told me this was not the time for assumptions or fill-in-the-blanks.
It was time to use that barrier-breaking question that had once brought me great relief in my time of need.

“How can I help?” I asked genuinely.

At first my child looked a bit surprised. But then her face relaxed into a smile and her chest fell with a visible exhale. Sweet, sweet relief. How can I help? It was not a question after all. It was an answer.

“On days I don’t have swim team practice will you exercise with me?” she asked.

“I would love to!” I said enthusiastically. “Biking, walking, calisthenics—I am up for anything.”

“I know, Mama!” she said excitedly. “I will make us a routine from what I’ve learned from my coach!”

For the past four weeks, my daughter and head out to the driveway nearly every evening. We started out with just a bouncy rubber ball, but our equipment supply has expanded to a mat, a kettlebell, and a medicine ball. Sometimes we’re outside for twenty minutes. Other days, an entire hour. Sometimes my child is my coach, pushing and encouraging me. Sometimes she is my workout partner bringing up her knees in rapid succession beside me. Sometimes we sweat. Sometimes we just “work on flexibility”, meaning we stretch our bodies in the fading sun, talking about important things and sipping our water.

One night, we ended up laying on our mats listening to music and looking up at the sky. I was lost in my own thoughts.

“You’re the best mom,” my daughter said breaking the silence.

Honestly, I was surprised by her words. For the past couple months, I’d been battling a relentless infection, doing final edits my forthcoming book, and worrying about my mom. I’d been feeling exhausted and distant. My child’s unsolicited compliment felt like soothing balm to my weary soul.

“Why? What is it about me that makes me best?” I wondered aloud.

She listed off the main things most parents do for their children, like provide food, protection, and care, but then she said something that struck me.

“When I need help, you know how to help me. I don’t know how you know, but you do. You can just tell.”

All at once, everything I suspected about helping someone through the struggles of life was confirmed:

Just knowing when someone needs help is the best kind of help.

Asking, “How can I help?” acknowledges someone’s struggle and lightens the load without pushing for further details or explanation.

But there is more …

The help you offer has a way of coming back to you when you most need it and least expect it.

My child’s desire to be healthier and my willingness to help her in a specific, consistent way have resulted in many positives for both of us: Our muscles have firmed up. Our clothes fit better. Our bond has been strengthened. We have special time one-on-one time on a regular basis away from worldly distractions. We are creating healthy life-long habits and precious memories. She has divulged thoughts and feelings that allow me to better understand and support her. How can I help? I’d offered those words to my child, yet they resulted in a gift to both of us.

Perhaps you know someone who is struggling. Perhaps you don’t know for sure, but you can sense it. Try the one question that can also be an answer. It might sound like this:

How can I help?

I will sit with you by the water’s edge.

I will go to counseling with you.

I will make healthy food choices too.

I will drive you to your appointment.

I will spend time working on my dream too. We can do it together.

I will watch the kids for you while you go.

I will ask around and gather some resources for you.

I will tutor you.

I will pray for you.

I will help you raise the money you need.

I will have your back.

I will bring you a meal on Thursday. I know what you like.

I will not give up on you.

Ask the question. Throw out a specific way you can help. Perhaps your offer will be accepted. Perhaps it won’t. But you can bet that deep down in that person’s soul, there will be relief—sweet, sweet relief. Because someone sees her struggle. Because someone wants to lighten his load. Because just when they thought there were no answers, there is one. And with it, comes hope.

Communication is imperative when your child or teen begins navigating the online world. Galit Breen has written a unique, timely, and beneficial guide to bringing digital kindness to our lives and to the lives of our children. Through engaging real-life examples and encouraging prose, Galit offers ten practical guidelines that will promote healthy, intentional, and considerate habits that could help you or a loved one avoid pain and problems in both the real world and online world. Click here to read more about this very important book, Kindness Wins.

If you want to gift someone a tangible reminder that can help her or him reach a goal or just want to thank someone for being a positive presence, please check out the Hands Free Shop.

Thank you for being part of The Hands Free Revolution community. Your encouragement & support always feel like answers to my unspoken questions.

I had the same heartbreaking experience with my 9 year old. I value the reminder to let her guide how I can help. I took everything out that was snug so she would feel good about the things she put on. I have no doubt we will get some of those favorite dresses out this summer. It has helped me make healthier choices too.. Thanks for the encouragement.

Thank you Rachel. I needed this right now. Your words are like a balm, a gentle tug toward the light, never preaching or condescending, always like a kind hand on a shoulder, guiding, listening, understanding.

I’m so glad you took an online blogging break. How can we live, how else can we enjoy our lives, if we don’t put down our computers and get out into the world? Clearly by your mantra and advice you know this intimately. Thank you for the reminder that it’s okay to walk away.

Thank you so much for writing this important post, just placing ourselves purposefully in someone’s path as a source of support can make such a big difference. And you’re absolutely right, more often than not, this being there circles back to us in goodness.

(*And thank you for including me in such a positive and hopeful post! I’m so very grateful to you!)

I hope today’s post leads many people to your important book! There is not a day that goes by when I don’t think about something you wrote in it. It has been such a navigational tool for my older daughter and me.

Every post, every post brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy for you and the amazing bond you have fostered with your girls, and tears for the time I’ve lost with my daughter. Just this past week I had two blow up fights with her over the silliest things, all due to my inability to react calmly, asking “how can I help?” instead of screaming at her, scaring her, being the impatient drill sergeant with unrealistic expectations of my brave, sweet, oh so good 10 year old who recently lost her father. Everytime I read your posts I’m reminded of what really matters and who I want to be, how I want to be, etc.

Julie, thank you for sticking with this journey. You keep showing up — both here and for your daughter. What you are navigating is something you have never navigated before — be kind to yourself. You are learning and dealing with so much. Take a moment and look back on your week and find two positives. I know they are there. It is so easy to hone in on what we did wrong. Think about your intention for today. Plan to have a ten minute time of connection with your daughter. Oh! I just read the perfect piece for you. Look at this beautiful essay and the idea of roasting mini marshmallows with your daughter as a way of opening up dialogue: http://chelseadyreng.com/2015/03/09/talking-to-a-child-who-does-not-want-to-talk-to-you/.

Do you have my list of strategies and resources for choosing a peaceful response? If not, email me! This list has helped many readers. (This offer is open to anyone looking to choose a peaceful response in times of struggle and uncertainty). rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com).

One more thing … do you know about my friend Julia? I have mentioned her before — she lost her husband unexpectedly 5 years ago. You might find peace, hope, and understanding in her beautiful words. Her latest post was incredible: http://studiesinhope.com/2015/04/17/the-pink-dress/

Oh Rachel. Thank you for this beautiful, thoughtful and resource filled reply! I’m so grateful.

My daughter and I have actually set up some really beautiful routines. Every night we answer these questions: When did I laugh today? What did I do just for the joy of it? Did I speak my truth? When? What did I do for self care? When did I feel loved? This leads to such great conversations about our days and also helps us notice all the greatness in life. Then we share three roses (gratitude moments) from the day and two appreciations of each other. After dinner we practice hula hooping together before reading time. So there is always a lot of love, laughter and goodness.

But your post made me think about all the moments when I have lost it.

And thank you for your friend Julia’s link – I am so eager to sign up. And I will read that great post you mentioned and I will email you for the resources.

Wow. You really have set up some beautiful routines! These are powerful questions you and your daughter converse about. Thank you for sharing them! So helpful & inspiring! Oh and the hula hoop is such a great idea. How can we not laugh when hula hooping? I will look for your email! Much love to you!

I love your posts and miss them terribly when they are not there. I hope you feel renewed and refreshed with the break you had. There should always be time to nourish the soul. I guess I just realized that you went thru a similar ” trauma” as I did. Our family did. 28 years in one place northern US and moved to the south. Sounds simple. It wasn’t. It isn’t. Coping and helping the children cope is difficult and it’s breaking my heart. I pray a lot. Besides the obvious, do you have any tips? Thank you for your posts. You do beautiful work with gentle hands.

I was thinking the same thing as I read this post. I have a two-year old. The logical part of my brain knows that when he’s throwing a tantrum it’s only because his brain is working so much faster than his mouth can speak. I know that and yet I still bust out with, “What is your PROBLEM??” way more often than I’d like. I forget he doesn’t have a problem…he needs help. What a wonderful reminder to change the tone by changing the question. Thank you, Rachel!

Rachel, I have missed you like a dear friend. The last three weeks have been the most difficult in my life, as I had to rally all the patience, love and understanding my body could muster to help my 7 year old deal with some overwhelming fears and the anxiety that comes along with that. Of course, I turned to your book for support, but how I kept looking forward to the Monday when you would return to my inbox.

I am happy to say that the days are becoming a bit brighter in this household, and many thanks belong to you for always whispering in my ear, the “right” thing to do, even when it is the hardest thing to do. Now, I have another tool that I will be using with my daughter to help us over some of the remaining hurdles we have….How can I help, dear child?

Your beautiful post made me realize that I have some incredible friends who have done just this for me lately! My oldest daughter is getting married on May 1st, and she’s several hours away at college so isn’t able to help as much as we’d both like. Having my friends offer to help me truly has been a balm for my soul 🙂

As I have pondered my experiences this morning, I believe that the most powerful thing for me has been actually letting my friends help me. The ways have been very simple, but I have been so surprised how it has affected me — I have found that letting go of a few tasks has enabled me to enjoy the journey in a way that I’ve never experienced before : even though things are hectic, I feel less anxious and stressed, and that in turn has helped my beautiful-but-very-stress-proned daughter to relax and enjoy herself too. The powerful effect it has had on our relationship is incredible!

I love, love, love your phrase, “How can I help?” and your moving examples of it’s value. I’m making a sticky-note-to-self right now! Thank you!

The flip side of being a do-it-myself kind of person who doesn’t usually ask for help is that help is not something I often think to offer out loud, but that’s such a perfect response! It validates that it’s OK to need help, builds confidence by silently saying, “You know what you need,” and suggests that a solution is possible. The three steps I teach parents in one simple phrase! If you don’t mind, I’ll add that to the non-directive phrases I share for returning the lead to the child.

Hi Sandy! Yes! Please add it to the non-directive phrases you share! Actually, I am so glad you posted a comment. I received a question on The Hands Free Revolution Page about my daughter saying she wanted to be “healthier” and it made me realize how much I learned from YOU. I feel this exchange is important to share with everyone:

Reader wrote: “The spirit of this article is beautiful! However, “I want to be healthier” seems to just be code for “I want to be thinner.” A kid who is on the swim team seems to be obviously already healthy. I’m all for activity, but helping in that situation might have been better placed by helping the daughter accept her body as-is in addition to helping her achieve her physical goals (maybe faster swimming times).”

Rachel’s Response: “Hi Jennifer, I appreciate your comment. I have learned a lot from my colleague Sandy Blackard author of “Say What You See” regarding not putting words into my child’s mouth. As someone who had weight and self-esteem issues growing up, I automatically thought what you thought. However if I had said to my daughter to accept her body “as is,” I might have been giving her the impression that something was wrong with it. And maybe that is not at all what she was thinking. That is why I asked her to clarify and asked ‘how can i help?’. I did not want to project my own past insecurities on to her. Through our drive way talks over the past 4 weeks, I have learned that some fitness tests prompted her to want to be healthier. This makes me feel thankful I did not say anything about her body that day that may have caused her to think there was something wrong with the way she looks. If anyone is interested in Sandy’s life-changing approach, The Language of Listening, here is Sandy Blackard’s website: http://www.languageoflistening.com. Thank you! Warmly, Rachel”

Thank you for sharing that exchange and generous acknowledgment here, too. You were incredibly adept at following your daughter’s lead and stepping into her perspective. And now we are all learning from her and you. It’s the upward spiral in action! I will share it with the parents I teach, and it will keep going and going…

Thank you so much. Each week I look forward to your words and thoughts and always find something new that hits a special place inside. This week I’m struck by how often, in the name of helping, we jump to conclusions and actually try to fix things, instead of just asking that quiet, relective, but powerful question. How can I help? And then being still and listening to the response — and as you found out, often the answer. Thank you so much!

Thank you for this! I don’t have children but I do own a center for expecting & new parents and have long followed your blog. This post is so profound, simple, and enlightening all at the same time. My husband was diagnosed with geographic macular degeneration at the age of 32 and, though it’s the leading cause of blindness in the west, is almost unheard of in people under the age of 65. There is no cure. Now at the age of 45 he can no longer fly airplanes or sail boats and is losing his vision at an ever increasing pace. When it gets to be too much for him, I struggle with what I can do. Now I’ll have this sweet question to offer; though I can’t save his sight at the very least he’ll know his struggle is being seen, heard, acknowledged. Thank you again <3

Rachel, As always, you are a blessing to me. I think of you often. Moving is such a hard thing on everyone, especially from such a wonderful place! (I still miss Birmingham and Liberty Park) It looks like you and your sweet family are adjusting well. Thank you for continuing to inspire:)
XOXO
Susan

So good to hear from you, my friend! We are currently under a tornado warning, children are in duck and cover at school and thoughts of that horrible day in LP come rushing back. I am comforted by the timing of your note & to know that you are still here walking beside me on this journey. Your support has been such a blessing to me. I pray that you and your beautiful family are safe and well.

Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts. I have six children, 5 boys and then a lone daughter at the end of the line. We are moving across country this summer and she is rapidly approaching her 15th birthday. The boys will not be moving with us. Two are married, one is in college, one is in a foreign country doing service and the fifth is trying to decide between college and/or service, which one first? I can see her struggle and have not known how support her. This will be a difficult time for both of us. Thank you for giving me words! 🙂

There is so much caring and understanding wrapped up in those four little words! As the mother of 14 year old and a 10 year old girls (and a grown daughter as well) I will be sure to offer my help in this way. It will give them permission to direct the situation instead of having me always swoop in and (try to) save the day. Simple and yet incredibly effective!

Wow, I’m so glad I saw this posting on my friend’s Facebook wall. I love the simplicity of the question/non-question, “How can I help?” I’m glad I was introduced to your blog, and look forward to reading about connecting with what really matters in life.

Rachel, I love reading what you have written, but typically don’t comment (often because someone has said something very similar to what I was going to say), but this piece really spoke to me. Thank you for the encouragement you give. Take a break when you need to. Know that your words are comfort to many, a blessing to people, many are moms just trying to do the best we can. These are beautiful words that can build us up. So beautifully true, so simple. Thank you.

I love your blog and the way your words touch other’s hearts. Thank you for sharing this article with us. It is so true needing to find balance in when to push a little more with questions and when to just ask “what can I do to help.” My kiddos are 5 and 7. I have saved this post in a special place for when I need to be reminded to just ask – what can I do to help? You awesome and your words change lives!

“How can I help?” are such powerful words. You really tapped into something here. There are mothers who would’ve handled your daughter’s situation in a negative, even destructive way and you chose sensitivity and kindness. She’ll always remember that moment.

This is exactly what I needed to read today. My daughter at 4 and a half is experiencing some difficulties as she learns how to communication and express her feelings. This simple piece of advice will really help me. THANK YOU.

Hello! Unfortunately taking a photo in the dark resulted in it being a little blurry, but I can’t think of a picture that shows my 3 and 5 year olds’ love for one another. They insist on sharing a little twin sized bed on the top bunk. By the way the best paper writing service that I saw: http://speedypaper.net/

Beautiful as always. I tried to picture myself with my sister and if I noticed her frazzled, how would I approach her. I would say “what is wrong”? That would illicit a bit of defensiveness and the reaction from her of “nothing”!! This is so simple, but honestly, I have never thought to approach it differently!! My daughter says that I point out when she is grumpy….and that makes her more grumpy! How can I help is the answer Rach!! I really haven’t used my skills in this area, and it took reading this to bring it into my awareness. Sometimes their reaction, is simply nestled in my words. Thank you .

[…] The One Question That Can Also Be An Answer – “Perhaps you know someone who is struggling. Perhaps you don’t know for sure, but you can sense it. Try the one question that can also be an answer.” […]

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comment

Name *

Email *

Website

Notify me of follow-up comments by email.

Notify me of new posts by email.

Welcome!

I want to make memories, not to-do lists. I want to feel the squeeze of loving arms, not the pressure of over-commitment. I want to get lost in conversation with my favorite people, not consumed in a sea of unimportant emails. I want to be overwhelmed by sunsets that give me hope, not by overloaded agendas that steal my joy. I want the noise of my life to be a mixture of laughter & gratitude, not the intrusive buzz of mobile phones & text messages. I’m letting go of distraction, perfection, & pressure to grasp what really matters. I’m living Hands Free. Will you join me? (Read More)

Meet Rachel

“After attending one of Rachel’s speaking events, I am finding myself pausing more and re-setting my reactions to my spouse and children as a result of reflecting on the situations and lessons Rachel shared. Her decision to reveal the good, the bad, and the ugly, and what she’s learned as she’s worked to transform herself, has lasting impacts on her audience. Rachel’s lessons are like ripples in the ocean as they help others like me move towards choosing love and coming as we are. Rachel works wonders by helping others work wonders.”
–A Hands Free Mama in progress