Purveyor of Awesitude

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Talking to a Couple: How to?

If you’re at all like me, when you talk to one set of your couple friends you’re not thinking about how awesome their lives must be, how they have a dedicated individual who will willingly sex them up whenever the mood strikes, or how there’s someone who will dispose of your body before it becomes a rotten, bloated corpse and will delete your browser history. You’re not contemplating all the unrealistic relationship expectations that you have developed since it’s been so long since you’ve been in anything resembling a relationship with something that doesn’t need batteries that said couple most assuredly does not meet but you’re too far gone to realize that. No, if you’re like me, you’re wondering which one of them you should be making the most eye contact with.

Where do you look? They come at you as a single cohesive unit except they have four eyes, two sets of two, where do you look? Do you divide your time equally or do you perhaps favor the person you’re closer to? And is that closer to physically? Or is it in terms of friendship? I mean, you probably started out as friends with one of them before they became the ubiquitous we. WE have to do this. WE didn’t care for that. WE just love missionary position and only missionary position even though it makes it harder for us to pretend we’re with someone, anyone, else.

What’s the social protocol here?

This is a particularly sensitive issue if one half of the We is the jealous type. Or, if you’re a female and the male half of the We is easily ensnared by the typical male fantasy re lesbians, you could be in danger by making too much eye contact with the girlfriend/wife unit.

So you think to yourself, “Aha! I know how to solve this pickle! I’ll just avert my gaze elsewhere!”

And that works great! Until the We is jointly and severally offended and wants to know why someone they once considered a close friend can’t even look them in the eyes. And then your problem comes full circle because WHICH FUCKING EYE PAIR ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING AT?