Goldman Sachs Mints 84 New Partners In Anticipation Of Needing Human Sacrifices To The Gods Of American Apocalypse

With the majority of Americans still knocked on their asses after an endless night of collective electoral shock, there is one thing we as citizens of the world can always rely on; Goldman Sachs was ready for this.

For instance, with the Gods of American Armageddon seemingly rising from their slumber to once again rule our national psyche, Goldman Sachs has likely bought the dip and ritually prepared some human flesh to feed the beasts that rule over us now...

The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. today announced that it has invited 84 individuals to become Partners of the firm.“These appointments recognize some of the firm's most senior professionals and acknowledge their commitment to our franchise, people, culture and values,” said Lloyd C. Blankfein, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Goldman Sachs. “We congratulate all those selected and look forward to their continued strong performance, contributions and leadership in the months and years ahead.”