Manhattan in 11031 A.D.

As is well known, the ancient city of New York was consumed by rising ocean waters more than eight thousand years ago. My expedition set sail from the port of Scranton on April 12, 11031, in hopes of solving certain mysteries surrounding this lost city. (As a scholar with several advanced degrees in ancient American cultural studies, I found myself uniquely qualified to lead this mission.)

After our ship’s sonar located the former island of Manhattan, I climbed into our mission’s submarine with my navigator, Todd, to get a better look. Below I have transcribed my notes from our initial exploration:

-Todd brings us down through skyscrapers into what he calls “South Manhattan.” I correct him. Tell him it was called “Lower Manhattan.” Explain that ancient Manhattanites did not understand the concept of cardinal directions.

-On Canal Street, notice beautiful handbags laid out for sale. Use submarine’s robot arm to load some into cargo hold. Will donate to museum as example of authentic twenty-first-century craftsmanship.

-Even with everyone dead, traffic a nightmare. In fact, probably more like a nightmare than before because cars not moving and filled with skeletons. Everything at standstill until submarine hit by sea turtle. Decide subway might be safer.

-Despite city being submerged for thousands of years, 6 train still running pretty regularly. One open seat when we get on, but I see skeleton with cane, so use submarine to nudge him into a seated position. Anyway, there are chairs in submarine.

-One asshole skeleton on train has bicycle. I ask Todd, why would person take train if he has bicycle? Todd says maybe it was raining when he got on train. I suggest skeleton with bicycle try checking weather report once in a while. Todd points out that it is a small submarine and there is no need to shout.

-Occasionally, public-service announcement is broadcast into subway car. My New Old English a little rusty, so only catch part of it—something about how, if sexually assaulted, should tell M.T.A. employee. M.T.A. employee must have been trusted member of society with whom ancient New Yorkers felt O.K. being vulnerable. (The way we now think of doctors, priests, etc.)

-Opening of doors at Spring Street creates suction that pulls in another skeleton with bicycle. I shoot annoyed glance at Todd, who pretends not to notice.

-Get off train at Bleecker. Judging from number of French-bulldog skeletons everywhere**,** decide they must have been some sort of delicacy.

-Thirsty, so Todd and I take submarine into bar. End up leaving almost immediately because super-crowded. Float around for hour before we find better place. A little dive-y, but quiet. Couple of old couches and bookshelf with games like Connect Four and Stratego. I turn to Todd. Say, "Oh, man, remember Stratego?" He shakes head no and I laugh and say, "Of course you don’t, unless you took same course on late-twentieth-century board games that I took while getting my Ph.D. at University of Michigan (also known as Harvard of places not underwater). Todd rolls his eyes.

-After a few beers, decide to check out place that**,** according to history books**,** has best cupcakes. Maybe just because of hype, but cupcakes kind of disappointing. For one thing, they taste very, very old. Also, I know sounds crazy, but there is such a thing as too much frosting.

-Leaving cupcake place, we see Jared Leto’s skeleton. Todd and I argue about whether it is actually him. Luckily, as we get closer, see that skeleton in middle of signing autograph. Totally Jared Leto! Looks way smaller in person without flesh and muscle tissue.

-Navigator Todd gets us a little lost. On unfamiliar street, realize submarine surrounded by skeletons holding knives. Tell Todd we are being mugged. We load wallets into airlock and are ready to jettison them out to attackers when fish swims by and bumps into one of them. Mugger’s skull breaks off. We put wallets back in pockets. Feel a little stupid.

-Big day. Legs tired from going all over city. Have no idea why we got submarine you have to pedal.

-Todd decides can’t leave New York without visiting Empire State Building. Am, like, based on my research it will take long time and not really be worth it. Todd gets determined look in eyes. Am, like, fine. Getting submarine in building’s elevator is pain. Could have just floated up to observation deck, but Todd wants “full experience.”

-Once we get to top, no longer aggravated. City beautiful. Todd thanks me for taking him along. Then both look out in silence. Am awed not just by tall buildings but by number of people must take to fill them. Think about how wonderful and challenging must be for those people to live in such immense metropolis. Then remember: just skeletons.