LEAH GARCHIK'S PERSONALS

DON'T GO INTO THE GARDEN

Cringing about reports of the poly-sex Godzilla, soon to be rattling popcorn in movie theaters all across the nation, garden-variety expert Bruce Townley was struck by the similarities between this monstrous creature and the garden snail, which has both sets of sex organs, too.

Thanks to the rains of El Nino, millions of crunchy, wet snails are at this very moment dining on all that we hold dear, shamelessly having sex with themselves while horrified gardeners stand helpless.

Envision a horror movie featuring giant megasnails: "They have hundreds of teeth," reports Townley. The snail's single foot, a "shoe," propels it forward, leaving a sticky trail of mucus in which its enemies, beetles and ants, can be caught. "A 50-foot-tall snail would leave quite a slime trail," observes Townley, conjuring up a river of slime big enough to engulf a movie star.

P.S. Critics invited to New York screenings of "Godzilla" this Sunday have been warned that there will be metal detectors at the theater doors to make sure no one makes bootleg tapes, says the New York Post.

FLASHING BACK

The British press, still pondering the death of Princess Diana, reports on the Paparazzi Stopper, an invention of Joseph Resnick of Philadelphia.

Resnick's device, which contains sensors and a flash unit, can be clipped to a baseball cap or jacket lapel, says the Times of London. Activated by a photographic flash, it ruins the film of the photographer.

Resnick says he's ironing out some kinks and expects his $500 gadget to be on the market soon.

P.S. Fitness magazine quotes prophesies of a baby boom in June in England as a result of the national trauma over Diana's death. "Feelings of deep grief can open up a need for comfort," said psychoanalyst Susan Kavaler-Adler. "Sex can be a way to meet that need, or a way to avoid the sadness."

FLASH

-- Settling in 'round here, Sharon Stone's been house- and car-shopping, the latter easier than the former. Stone bought a new BMW a few weeks ago; a week later, alas, she was rear-ended while waiting for a light to change. All fixed now.

-- Crews of Chicago River Cruise boats have been warned to watch for tourists imitating Leonardo DiCaprio's potentially dangerous "Titanic" pose, arms outstretched at the prow of the boat. According to the Chicago Tribune, the Passenger Vessel Association has warned that dangerous incidents have occurred in other locations.

In the Bay Area, happily, "this has not been an issue," said Mary Currie of the Golden Gate Ferries. "I've never heard of such a thing."

-- Ivana Trump is investing in a casino in Croatia, reports New York magazine. She's already contracted to write a column in a Croatian newspaper and to sell her clothing line in Croatia's largest department store chain. The casino complex, in Dubrovnik, includes a restaurant, ice cream parlor and bistro. "It's the most beautiful place," she told New York magazine, "just three hours from Venice. I will spend the summer there on my yacht."

ART AND SUFFERING

A new CD called "Da Holocaust" by a Baton Rouge, La., rap group called Concentration Camp has outraged officials at the Simon Wiesenthal Center.

The CD compares ghetto life to suffering during the Holocaust. "This represents the cynical expropriation of the language and imagery associated with humanity's most notorious genocide," said the center's Rabbi Abraham Cooper. "You debase the memory of those who perished during the Shoah by utilizing 'Concentration Camp' and 'Holocaust' as mere marketing tools."

The letter was addressed to Bryan Turner, president of Priority Records, the EMI subsidiary releasing the CD. Turner says he's Jewish and lost a family member in the Holocaust, and he isn't offended.

WHO SAID WHAT

"I'm writing a new album called 'She Changed the Shape of My Pants, but Not Forever.' I love that I have a part of my body that changes shape. I wish I had more." Actor and musician John Lurie in Egg magazine.