Archive for December, 2016

I can’t believe why any otherworldly entity would repeatedly tell you in advance that you should never give up because they already knew the bigger picture – that you would fuck up an already fucked up circumstance many years later. How many humans on earth would get to experience that? Not many, I guess. In hindsight, I repeat, I was told I was doomed to mess up an already tragic situation. On the other hand, it made me feel more forgiving of myself and of him to whom I placed most of the blame on for being so weak. Tell me, how did Judas take it after he was told he was gonna fuck up the Messiah’s self-fulfilling prophecy and never realized his mistake (which was meant to happen DUH) until after it happened?

We were mere puppets. But what’s the point of making me aware of the truth now? The milk has been spilt. Hurtful words have been exchanged. True feelings have been sacrificed and hearts and trust have been broken, seemingly irreparable in fact. We attract what we are, so it was said. But I was told a message 22 years ago and I thought I was so special; on the contrary, I carried a huge responsibility more akin to a curse than a blessing.

When I was 14, I was able to communicate to otherworldly beings for a short while (3 months, give or take). Of course I think less now of how it still boggles me how it happened because it happened and there was no question about it. I had a neighbour once who could sense what I was going through and all he could reveal to me was I was granted access to seeing and communicating with them because I was in an altered state of consciousness. He could sense I had trust issues and that I was more right-brained but was in danger of letting logic take over. I hate it when I don’t understand what I am getting into.

So what was the message? Three signs of the number 29, attention to number 2 or the “second”, 15 and 24 (this was more explained by the otherworldly entities as ages if they were human beings on earth as two of them appeared), to follow my heart, and three times being told a glaring message, “NEVER GIVE UP”. Sounds so simple, right? Not. Why would anyone tell you not to give up unless they knew you would be getting into a very difficult situation which demands you to navigate exceptional circumstances with a more heart-centered paradigm? So, yes, as I said above I have trust issues and I do not take kindly to obeying first and getting an explanation later.

22 years later it would indeed prove to be my Kobayashi Maru, but it was also imperative that I go through it even if there was no winning over it. I fucked it up, of course. Well done. I resent that I didn’t know what they knew and I ended up destructing everything for all of us to start with a clean slate. They knew there would be a child involved; I didn’t know that although I felt it but couldn’t explain it. Souls getting entrance into earth as human beings are NEVER an accident. Did you think it was an accident your parents successfully brought you here? The universe doesn’t play dice. They knew this; I didn’t. No one could tell me or explain to me what I was about to go through. I had to rely on my own. I wished it were as convenient as taking it in from a book but it wasn’t.

I felt stupid this afternoon when the puzzle of the parallels hit me. The otherworldly entities often alerted me to pay attention to the “second” and that there have always been 2. I didn’t know what this meant until it became clear the parallels that ELK and I went through. When the otherworldly entities appeared in 1994, one appeared shortly after another and I had wondered at the time why there was a need for 2 when 1 spiritual guide would often suffice. Now I understood they were demonstrating it as if in a role play. Only two men ever did take my heart and, well, in my lifetime I only did sleep with two (I guess without knowing it I did actually follow the path and followed my heart – so it was written, so it will be done). The second felt more of a soulmate connection than the first. (Pay attention to the second.) On ELK’s part, shortly before I came into his life there was someone else who would beat me to his bed but could not captivate the deepest soul connection he yearned. I came in second but with the biggest impact on his life.

All this time I have been made to face the unpleasant emotion relating to some part of me that could not forgive him. The theme even showed up in my dream about him. What this puzzle of parallels have gifted me is the gift of forgiveness and understanding that comes more from the heart. You see, it’s not easy for me to forgive and forget.

It’s a small breakthrough but I still don’t understand where the “NEVER GIVE UP” comes in. What’s even more damning is even though my head can think of giving up, my heart can’t. This is why I cry myself to sleep.

Like this:

Sometimes the crystals call my attention to a specific memory in the past. This week they suddenly called my attention to two memories with emphasis on the feelings I experienced when they happened – one was in 2012 and the second in 2010. Over time some details do get blurry but the feelings, however, don’t.

I had been frequenting Starbucks like two or three times in a week as of late because I just felt like it. In one of those visits, I remembered a painful memory back in 2014 or early 2015 I think. I identified the seat where I found out posted pictures of a new girlfriend. It became apparent to me then that I still had feelings for him, yet I also noticed something felt off about the whole relationship. I tried to replace him in my heart by thinking of someone else. Now in 2016, it amazes me how I don’t feel that searing heartache from back in 2014.

Another work week passed and the coffee shop would pop up in my head. I thought it was just the coffee, until two days ago when a long forgotten memory near Starbucks in Sydney CBD was dredged up. I remembered that tender moment but I question why I didn’t recall the same memory back in 2014. In that Starbucks CBD memory, I think we stopped at another bus stop way ahead his usual stop in the morning before going to work. Must have been some kind of bad traffic going on that day or just buses rerouted, I’m not sure now which one it was. As I was unfamiliar, I asked him which way I should go to get to Starbucks. He told me so but before we parted, we kissed as was customary. But there was something tender about that moment which perhaps only our eyes and souls knew aside from the fact that his body language communicated in a way that I would not forget he wanted a kiss before he gets to work. I don’t know why I was being made to recall that memory.

A day after that Starbucks CBD memory surfaced, I was made to recall another memory again – the Guadalupe internet café in November 2010. I had not met him then and we had been chatting for 2 months. I kept forgetting to check that particular email thread because my mind would get distracted by other stuff but something ceaselessly reminded me to check. Earlier today I finally listened and focused on searching for that email thread. It wasn’t hard to pinpoint which thread it was. Again, some details are blurry but the feelings speak volumes; I still even question how I got to that internet café in Guadalupe when it was quite far out from where I resided at the time. A few things stood out in the email thread that I was surprised I had totally forgotten and then my heart stopped and knew this was the reason this particular memory was dredged up:

I dreamt of you again.
When I woke up earlier I kept falling back to sleep again so after waking up initially I had like 2 more dreams. You appeared briefly after the first dream. I was standing in some sort of balcony waiting for someone and it seemed I had waited too long. Then you appeared below, in a Knight's garb, sword and all. :o I don't remember if there was any armour! Anyways you told me reassuringly that no matter how long I'd wait, you'd always be there in the end, that you would always make it.

Like this:

I had a phallic dream last night and all morning I had totally forgotten about it. It wasn’t until this afternoon when I remembered it again because of an autosuggested song from the universe in the form of Toto’s Georgy Porgy.

The dream went like this:

I chanced upon this location for the shooting set of Game of Thrones (I honestly have never watched any GoT episode ever) and I saw a lot of onlookers by the fence. The scene was a number of naked men fighting. Two of the men who now were lying on the ground had exceptionally large penises. Everyone wanted to share what they saw on their social media accounts as they were taking videos and snapping photos, including me. Hahaha.

The next scene I recall was going to a place where my high school supposedly was. The feeling about the school is familiar, but the way or the path going there wasn’t. A teenager guided me through looping jeepney rides and gates. I wondered how my alma mater suddenly became a labyrinth. He explained that the roads have been reconstructed. I wasn’t sure where he took me after school, I couldn’t remember much about that part.

Next I found myself climbing up my Aunt Lorena’s place. I don’t remember now who was that kid with us but there was a little kid watching tv with us. I couldn’t remember what the show was about. But as I was watching it some of my thoughts flew to ELK.

I was having tea in the afternoon when Georgy Porgy by Toto came to my consciousness so I looked for it on Spotify so I could listen to it. One look at the album cover took me back to the phallic dream, which could mean my train of thought never really left that dream. The song was released in the year I was born.

I was writing down my dream in my dream journal a while ago when something struck me – the name Loren. Prior to listening to Georgy Porgy, I had clicked on an email from Maria Loren about Archangel Gabriel. (Yeah, it was the same angel who appeared to Mary and Elizabeth.) I was trying to post a screenshot of that email when I noticed I kept getting Loren misspelled, like it was trying to impress itself in my memory.

Must have been around 7pm when I rode a cab home. I had flashes of that vision I had back in 2011 about a curly-haired girl, 5-year or 7-year-old, who had my eyes and about July. Maybe the phallic dream may have reminded me of some sort of epiphany – that whoever that curly-top will be in the future, she’s probably a July-born or Leo Sun entity.

Like this:

I cried myself to sleep last night and with a heavy heart. I was getting emotional, sensitive and paranoid. It made sense why I got the Nine of Swords yesterday as the tarot card of the day, the drama queen card.

I kept asking the heavens, “Why did you choose me?” I’ve been asking that question for 22 years. I broke down for the nth time because the way forward is not so clear despite the reassuring signs I am getting. It was like Hong Kong all over again where I was feeling that listening to my heart was imperative – everywhere I went I was bombarded with endless reminders even when nothing in the physical world proved it.

It’s been too long that I wonder what the hell is this crazy master plan to hold on and never give up. (Yes, obviously I am entertaining my darker doubts again.) I am no Mary nor Elizabeth who would not dare question the angel apparitions, much less the messages the angels imparted.

I have looked everywhere for answers but, ultimately, I feel only the Masters can satisfy my queries. If they have already given me answers, I must have missed them because I feared I was losing my mind. Most of all, I am guarding myself from fabricating unneccesary illusions.

So hating this last stretch of 2016. 2017 may be one year more of lonely years in the desert.