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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

i grew up being horrendously embarrassed and ashamed of my emotions. this hasn't stopped me from being an emotional person, but rather, it has made it worse and magnified them. because now not only do i feel the emotion but i feel a whole layer of anxiety and mortification on top of it. so i've learned to cope by shutting off and not showing it. i don't wear them on my sleeve. they love to peek through though and betray me. i don't let people in easily because i feel like my emotions a burden to everyone, and i only let them in when they ask and genuinely want to pry it out of me. and really, i love this. i love it when i can let things out, because it's a relief. not because i get to let it out, but because someone actually wants to know and understand. this happens so infrequently though, that i just stuff things down further and further until i go a little cuckoo and can reset. but i'm afraid of being vulnerable because i get knocked down so easily.

however, i am a capable and talented person, who has nothing to express. i am empty. i can write, sing, dance, play music, draw, paint, direct, act etc. etc. etc. and i get stuck in the wanting to communicate how i feel and who i am, but i can't. i feel hollow when it comes to being creative. i can do all these things, not spectacularly, but i can do them. and so i don't do them, or at least not often. because what's the point? there's nothing i'm driven to express, i don't have some nagging muse sitting on my shoulder inspiring me to do this or that. so i don't. and i hate that. i've never been much of a doer. i'm so crippled by my own emotional inconstancy that i am unable to express hardly anything about myself on my terms. i'm so afraid of trying and failing that i don't do. i'm a great planner and a great thinker, but doing is not my strong suit. and i wish it were. because then i'd feel like i'd have something to show for my life. i take so little part in my own life that i hardly feel alive at times. i feel like a ghost or a shell of something that should be here, but i've forced myself out and i'm lost. i don't know where i am.

so i am a great admirer of writers and artists and musicians. and i envy most those whom i enjoy the most, thinking "i wish i could express myself like that". and i apply the parts that i identify with to myself. i'm like this. i'm like that. i fall in love with the books/art/songs that put to words the things i cannot express, the things that bridge the gap between my heart and my head. and that's really where the problem is. i've disconnected the two, somehow, and i've lost the manual about how to put it back together. i rely so much on my mind because feeling things is so damn scary and overwhelming.

i'm a wuss. admittedly. things hurt too much and the good is always fleeting. i'll pull out the cliché "i've been hurt too many times before", and who hasn't? but i can't handle rejection or failure anymore. so i run. there are so many things i've wanted and tried and put my heart into and hoped for and never came through. vocational things like roles or solos in theatre and whatnot. relational things like friendships and boyfriends. and it's these countless and constant failures that make it nearly impossible for me to make a change. it is this relentless feeling of never being good enough that is the portal to all the dark and twisty parts of myself. i'm too much this or not enough that. and i'm never just the right amount.

and right now, in the thick of all this self-realization, all i really really want is for you to understand me and love me anyway. i want you to want to know me, and i want you to make me be who i'm supposed to be. but it all hurts too damn much for me to say it out loud, or say it prettier, or say it clearer. somehow you put words to the things i can't say, and still you see the best parts of me.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

It's been awhile. It usually is between blog posts. I've been worse and worse at committing to writing (somewhere, anywhere!) frequently. I used to be such a devoted blogger too. hm.

the past few months or so have been kind of difficult. i've been feeling really overwhelmed with the trivialities of life (work, family, friends, etc.), but i've run into this pattern of just letting things wash over me and holding out for the end of it and the beginning of a new season. because there's really nothing else you can do. i find i have less energy for fighting or struggling for what i want. i just don't care anymore. I've settled into my 20-something apathy and i'm fine with it. most of the time.

but then i start realizing the things that i want to be doing, and the person i want to be, and it feels so impossibly far from where i am now. i feel like a fake, half the time. i'm faking myself. i feel half alive. sometimes not at all. like i'm watching a movie of my life as it happens. it's a pretty boring movie, with some occasional hilarity. mostly boring though. very little plot or excitement. this is nothing new though. this has been going on for years.

change hurts. it almost physically pains me to try. to make an effort. i've been trying to be more open and friendly. i recently discovered that most people's first impressions of me are that i hate them. i didn't see that coming. and it's ironic because i really don't hate anyone, and i'm actually (as far as i know) a pretty nice and decent person.

and lately the only thing i really want more than anything is to be loved. i want a relationship. i'm tired of feeling embarrassed about this. i'm aware i have a lot of walls up. i know. i know i don't make it easy to let anyone in. i know i'm quirky and quiet and that's unnerving to some people. i know i have high standards. i know what i need and what i want. and truthfully, in an awkward and totally backwards way, i almost have it. and it's good. it could be just what i've wanted. it could be a lot more, but i run the risk, every day, of screwing it up. so do you let it be something good? or do you gamble for something great and possibly lose it all? i'm not a gambling girl. i take so little part in my own life, that trying to take the reins on this is terrifying. so i'm waiting. i'm good at waiting. an expert, in fact.

i was cleaning my room last week and i found some old church notes from flood. it was from a sermon on James 3. I wrote:

"God can turn around the negative words we've allowed to shape us.

worthless --> beloved

ugly --> beautiful

lonely --> accepted

depressed --> joyful"

and i thought about how much less power those negative words have over my life. God's been working and i didn't even notice. i see more and more of those good words in my life lately. and when things start to slip, its easier to come back, resting in the truth of my belovedness.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

i hate how things go well for such a short time. good seasons are few and far between and never long enough. and everything just gets harder.

i feel kind of lost in a haze, like i'm not really here, just watching through my own eyes. i'm a pro at being numb when things are hard. i find myself realizing just how distant i feel in the mundane things going on around me, like buying lunch, or driving even. how long it takes to walk somewhere or how did i manage to waste so much time? time just keeps slipping out from under me, and it's gone. i can't get yesterday back.

i feel like i've lost 2 very important people to me despite them not actually being gone. i feel lonely for companionship from the ones who know me inside out and just get me. don't get me wrong, i love my friends, but very few of them share that kind of vital connection i find so rare and beautiful in others. it seems i've found someone new i can share this with, and i'm enjoying it, but i'm apprehensive because i don't want to mess it up with feelings and expectations. and i miss my tried and true blue best friends. i'm realizing there are perhaps a handful of people of whom i can say i have the privilege of knowing. people who challenge me and push me to be the wonderful creative being God made me to be, and the people who share the same curiosity and passion for trying to understand the world and God and life. i find myself craving those connections, thirsty for spending time with those people. it's like they breathe some sort of life into me, or at least allow me to stretch out and breathe a sigh of relief.

so here we are. not sure how to make sense of everything going on lately. everything is so jumbled and confusing right now that i'm just sort of waiting for the dust to settle and start piecing things back together.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

after a brief stint playing find-the-social-security-card this morning (and naturally, freaking the hell out), i went and signed all the forms and they took my picture. i have a lanyard now. it's purple and pretty. :)

i'm hoping this'll be a bit smoother transition into this job than it was for me at my last job because i heard the words "orientation" and "seminar" thrown around, so i don't think i'm getting thrown into anything too insane. although, the site i'm at doesn't have a manager yet, so hopefully that won't make things too rocky.

::sigh:: i can't even begin to tell you what kind of a relief it is to not have this horrid feeling of impending doom looming over me. i can breathe again. i can make plans for things i want to save up for. i can build my savings account back up!! (currently it has about $1.52 in it. it did have about $4,000 at the start of this ridiculous period of unemployment). that's been one of the hardest parts of being unemployed. yes, it was a great blessing that i had saved so much that i could live off it for the past 8 or so months, but it's very disheartening and depressing to see all that hard-earned and saved for cash go slipping away.

i start on monday. and i am NOT looking forward to waking up at 6:30am (torture) and driving in rush hour traffic (double torture). but it's gonna be worth it.

on an unrelated note, i bought the decemberists' new album and i've never fallen in love with an album so deeply. to be fair, this is the one of few bands i totally geek out about. i think a big part of their appeal, to me, is that they pander to my affinity for language and the archaic, (oh, and good music to boot) but this album goes beyond that and totally tugs at my literary and theatrical heartstrings. i'm still trying to work out the plot, but man, it's beautiful and epic and simply wonderful. ::gush::

Monday, April 13, 2009

today was a good day. and that's probably the first time i can accurately say that without lying even the tiniest bit.

- first of all, i FINALLY got a job!!!!!!! i've been trying to get this "patient services representative" (which is basically a glorified receptionist) job for months, and they finally called this morning, made an offer, and i hauled myself down to do the drug screen and a TB test. but until it's official, i'm not completely celebrating yet, because who the frick knows what kind of catastrophe could appear out of nowhere and foil all my plans. but it would appear things are turning around. patience is so hard. so very very ridiculously hard. but god is good, i cannot deny.

- secondly, i got my taxes back! so now i have money to live on until the checks start rolling in. huzzah for evading poverty yet again!

- fourthly, i learned some old switchfoot songs on the guitar that i love and have missed, and have more potency now in my (gulp) mid-twenties.

- and fifthly (which is a word, apparently), my small group is completely wonderful. i'll gush about them later. but suffice to say, without them, these past 4 or 5 months would have been unbearable. it is beautiful to see such diverse people grow together and really begin to live out what being the body of christ means. it's exciting, and scary and amazing all at once.

to conclude, i of all people am amazed to find myself on high ground after feeling like i've been drowning in the deluge of all the incredibly hard and painful moments of the past few months. god is good. and his timing is all too symbolic. lol. admittedly cheesy, i feel somewhat reborn in some way that i can't completely put to words. i'm myself again, but better, if that makes sense...

as easter draws to a close, i'm struck by the need to start putting things down into words again. every other blog i've written in feels tainted, or fermented in some way, where to go back and try to connect where i left off with where i am today would take an eon or two. i won't go so far as to be cliché and say i'm a new person, because i'm not. i'm still the same ol' me, just older, wiser, dumber, renewed, confused, broken, beat down, healed, and much more full of love.

so, here we go. a newish beginning, with new questions, ponderings, ramblings and gibberish, and through all that, let's hope i can make some sense of the chaos.