February 27, 2001

Dave's new cd Everday is out! Go buy it!Ok, well, Life's been normal, rather bland, I guess I'd say. Just doing the whole commuting/class/work thing with a social life shoe-horned in there somewhere. I updated my Lego node, hopefully enough to at least get it up to 0 from -2.

So my lil red truck (famous from Turn off your TV) let me down last weekend...decided it'd act up and crack its head open; so once I get my truck back (hopefully by the end of this week) it'll be with a little note with three zeros tacked onto the steering wheel and one of these squiggly S's with a. There goes the financial aid for the semester, so I guess I'm (financially) lucky I still haven't found an apartment.

Gee, sorry this wasn't worth your time, voting-down person. Maybe it was the Tropfest organizer?

Sunday night I made the unfortunate decision to go to Tropfest 9 in The Domain. Tropfest is a short film festival that exists to support emerging filmmakers and gives them the opportunity to show their work to an international audience. They whittled 16 films to show on Sunday from nearly 600. And Toni Collette was there, as a judge.

That's great and all, but I hated it. The films were good, though I only saw several, but I could have better spent my night hitting my forehead with a heavy piece of splintered wood.

I went alone, because Y had a cold, and let me mention that The Domain is a vast field used for public events.

Free entertainment (which sucked, btw) started at 3pm; films started at 8pm.
I got there at 6, because I wanted to get a good spot. After buying a flat white, I found a decent spot pretty far back from the screens.

I couldn't believe how many people showed up. It was like the previous def con. I hate crowds, really hate them, and don't usually like being around people in general. And nearly every person right in front of me smoked, cigarette after cigarette. It was constant. I think it's gross, and hate it, but would be very hard pressed to ask someone to stop. So I sat there, studying for my next certification test, for three hours. Breathing in smoke with my cold, and hating being there.

But I didn't want to leave before the films started. And finally they did start. A summary:

1) A Matter of Life: The lengths a gardener will go to to save his plant. The hose isn't long enough, so the gardener finds one by a car, where a woman is trying to kill herself. "Don't try to stop me!" she screams, but he doesn't care; he just wants the hose she's using.

2) Tickler: A couple wrestle over a horny dilemma. A married couple sit in their car and argue over buying a vibrator. He is adamant about it not looking like a penis. And he really doesn't want to go in to buy it, so they get someone else to do it. Clever and funny dialogue, but the directing was just a few minutes of the classic soap-opera two-person dialogue angles.

3) Muffled Love: A feel-good comedy about getting the romantic bits right. A woman's new boyfriend cups his hands over her ears whenever she says "I love you." She doesn't know how to tell him what he's doing, so she does it to him - and says "I can't hear you."

4) The Lighter: One driver, one smoke, no lighter. The driver can't get his cigarette lit. While trying to find another match in his glove box, he hits a woman with his car. He gets out of the car and sees her crumpled on the ground - but doesn't seem to sweat it. Instead, he sees something on fire, with a big blaze at one end, and lights his cigarette with it, obviously satisfied.

5) Just Not Cricket: Whites, zinc on the bottom lip, cap on the head, sunnies on the cap - it's just not cricket. A man is painting a wall green, and there is cricket-like commentary while he does it. Really amusing, and probably my favorite.

6) The Art of Farewell: Two men, one loves his wife - one loves his art. Can they meet in the middle?. An old man asks a surly, reluctant tattooist to tattoo his dead wife, as well as himself.

Well, I got my first ever "we need to talk" email today. Wow, I guess they are right when they say how much of a tell-tale sign that is.

Anyway. I guess when break ups happen, that lots of whining should be involved. But I feel that she is completely reasonable in her thoughts. I completely and honestly understand in how she has chosen work over personal life, however, that makes it hurt a little more.

I knew this was going to happen, sooner or later. I knew it was happening. Both of us knew it was happening. I just couldn't believe it. Finally, contact between us came so few and far between that I had to bring it out into the open. And that was that.

I really miss her. I still remember the good times when had... Driving around, in warm weather with the convertible top down, listening and singing to "Abracadabra." The way her face looked, inches away from mine, while we barraged each other with small kisses. When someone's face is that close, you notice features that you would never notice from a normal level of contact. She really is beautiful.. I love the way her jaw-line slopes down to her chin.

I still really don't know what to think. It still hasn't set in. I am still hoping that we will be able to get back together in a few months. I suppose it is just a matter of time.

Well just created my first post and I still have no idea what's going on.
I guess I'll jsut give a brief synopsis of my past two weeks since major things have happend in them.
Two weekends ago one of my dogs died and I've had her since I was in fourth grade. So I was incredibly distraught about that. I skipped classes on Monday and just kinda moped around since I didn't feel like doing much. However, one of my friends, Brian, gave me some good advice to just still go out and have a kick ass time even though something bad just happend and I think that that was some of the best advice I have heard in years.
I am doing just fine up to date but I still remember her a lot. We still have one dog left and he's doing alright he just didn't eat for awhile after her death.
Other than my dog dying everything is going very well. I am in love now and I am quite happy even with all my tests and stuff for school.
The person I am in love with is still in high school and it would be a long distance which isn't incredibly helpful since I've seen some relationships like that not go very well so I am kinda unsure whether I should try it out or not.
So that's basically what's been going on with me in the past couple of weeks.

That's the advice I received earlier today on the bus from a guy that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Somehow he joined into a conversation some friends and I were having, where and acquaintance of mine mentioned a girl that he owed money.

An interesting guy, he was. Caucasian male, probably no more than 20 years old (still older than myself), buzzed hair, goatee, two nipple rings and the same number of tattoos (like I said, interesting guy).

If anything, they should owe you

He went on to prove a point through a joke: "What do a condom and a woman have in common? They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick."

As rather sexist as this advice is, maybe this crazy guy has a point. Girlfriends are rather expensive things, probably not worth the time of the average man. But I'm going to read into this a bit further: if you're only in a relationship for its sexual aspect, don't waste your time.

Things change all the time, usually I catch up pretty quick... Sometimes it doesn't work out so well.

Paranoia and an expectation of rejection is what got he here in the first place. At least that's what I think - my paranoia hasn't gotten the best of me, so I actually believe the seemingly honest conversations I've had with people lately.

I almost expected her to push me away - we were too close. I misread something and jumped to the conclusion that I was out for good. My reaction to that made her feel like I was rejecting her. She was working, I was spending time at home and not at her apartment. She needed cash, I needed to get away from what I percieved as someone that didn't want me around... And I'm pretty sensative to rejection. Too sensative I guess.

And an ex-girlfriend from high school wanders back into my life in a quite untimely fasion... I hang out with her a few times to catch up, hadn't seen her in two years. Thursday of last week, I was lonely and had gotten the idea in my head that the one I had been with wanted nothing to do with me.. And my high school ex was the only one around to talk to. So we went and chilled.

My reaction to that is in another daylog, so I'm not gonna retype it here. I thought I had been 100% rejected - I thought I had lost a friend that was very close to me, simply because she wanted to enjoy her life without me. I was in a pretty vulnerable state...

So I had wanted to talk to her, the one I'd been with. I couldn't thuogh... My thoughts were so scattered and disjointed that I couldn't get any of it together. She'd pick apart anything I said, so it had to be lucid and coherent... So I waited... and waited... and waited. And things changed on me - what I had to say was already out of date, and the version of things in my head was a week (or more) old.

Oh well.

Anyway... Here's where things get interesting.

Yesterday, the ex and I went to the beach. I never go to the beach during the day... Espically in February. But I didn't go because I wanted to sit around tanning all day, she had to talk to me and I had to talk to her. There were lots of unresolved questions about what had happened Thursday, and we both wanted answers. So we talked. And we had quite a rational discussion. And we didn't have sex. And . . . I didn't make a decision. She was already a little attached, and she wanted a title if things were to go on. I had doubts about the other one's rejection and just couldn't see myself in any long term or otherwise serious relationship with anyone.

So after all that, I talk to the other one. We talked, and I heard her side of the story. Problem is, I can't remember most of it right now. Doh. All I remember is saying something along the lines of "If I wasn't so uncertain about all the stuff that's got to do with the relationship stuff, my gut feeling would be to ask you if you wanted to be in a serious or committed relationship with me" Great, I fucking blew it with one sentence. Why?

She's a college freshman. I guess she wants to see what the world's got to offer for her, and can't be stuck with anyone. She needs to flirt, see the world, and have soem fun. Those experiences will lead her to have a more serious relationship later on, which will be happy - simply because the person she'll be with wasn't one of the people she 'messed around' with.

See? I've got it all figured out. But it doesn't do shit for me, does it? But . . . All I can do is think about it. I was alot more attached to her than I had realized, thus proving my theory about my dysfunctional emotional reading ability. They're there, they're pretty strong too, but I have no idea how to read them properly. Every time I try to I get confused or choose whichever reading fits the situation best. I've rarely made decisions that were in line with my emotion.

So what now? My ex from high school is the only one that's always sitting around bored. I never get to talk to the other one because she's got better stuff to do, and doesn't need any of this on her mind. I honestly don't have much fun hanging out with the ex, but I get along really well with the other one... I don't know what to do.

The ex wants to get together... I know she does. She wants a relationship - she needs the stability after spending so much time partying in the drug scene, and she needs someone that'll be there for her. I don't want any relationship, I don't think anyway. I need the freedom and relative safety of being out of a relationship.. Break ups are too ugly for me, and I'm too unreliable for a relationship.

I'm swinging between extremes every five minutes. One moment, I'm absolutely sure that I want to be with the ex-girlfriend. The next, I want to end it before it starts for one of many reasions, espically if the other one's really interested in me. Another, I'll want to talk to the other one and see if she's completely uninterested or if some found someone better or what. Sometimes, I just want to get away from it all...

Why am I telling all of this to Everything2? Probably because it's a completely objective medium from my point of view... Even if someone reads it, they don't know me, they don't know those involved... And if the ones involved ever read it maybe they'd understand. But... I've learned nobody really wants to understand.

I've just got too much shit on my mind.

I'm beginning to think it might have something to do with this 'clinical depression' thing. It's just a chemical imbalance. All it does is cause depression, which is just a lil' sadness right? No... Now I know what it's like to be truely depressed. As if that weren't enough, I'm starting to think that I'm suffering from the 'paranoia' side-effect of the 'Wellbutrin' I'm on. I've been paranoid before, but it was never this bad... I feel like people are lying on me, like people will cheat on me, like I've been betrayed and that's why she's keeping her distance, like i'm too vulnerable.

I'm just too vulnerable. I should keep my mouth shut... But I can't. I need to talk to somebody, if just to make sure I'm still sane.

I'm sorry if it's a little disjointed and lacking in proper linkage... I can't think straight... Too much. Oh, and what I wrote here is only one small snapshot of what's in my head. Imagine that, but ten thousand times deeper... Probably can't imagine it, I guess. Unless you've lived it.

12:46

Today's great programming environment lecture: the local Unix guru told us about the wonders of X Windowing System, and summarized the lecture by saying that X Programming Is Fun - kids, that's true. =)

I'm still feeling bad after I missed the X-Files episode a week ago. =(

Today... not much shall be happening, one more lecture about user interfaces at 14:00. I need to finish my First Great GTK+ Application later today. It shall be... glorious.

17:42

I resent my CVS import request to SourceForge.

(I asked them to import the tree, and they sent me instructions on how to send a request that's exactly like the request I sent. I resisted the temptation to ask them to a) check their clocks, and b) open-source the ESP and time machine technologies. =)

I changed the desktop theme (I've been using my own WolfDesktop for some time). Now, I have a solid indigo background and one of the interlaced titlebar styles. Those are Way Cool. =)

19:25

Separated YiffCam from the website. Also noticed that the Perl upgrade had done Not That Funny Things...

E2 seems to be Really Slow now.

20:58

-3? Hey hey HEY. I have an excuse. I didn't node today that much because E2 was down...

Today is the second of my days off this week. I was given Monday and Tuesday off, having worked the previous 5 days in a row. Shift work in the hospital has its ups and downs - having days off on normal working days is good for things like stock trading, banking and other stuff that you normally could not do if you were working that day. It also means, sadly, that my days off often do not coincide with those of my friends. Ohwell. At least my girlfriend, having a day off, came up to visit me today. :-) -- I bought her a bunch of roses, a late Valentine's Day present.

The bear market in U.S. technology and internet stocks continues with what appears to be a bear market rally currently taking place. Beware resistance points for a resumption of the bear market.

Gold lease rates were up strongly again for the 3rd (4th?) day in a row today, more so on the short term side with the 1 month lease rates going up to 3.9% today, leading to a yield curve inversion, where short term rates are now higher than long term rates. This abnormal turn of events portends something about to happen in the gold market. Smells a lot like what happened before the October 1999 rally in the price of gold. hmm...

Will Alan Greenspan cut rates again? I wouldn't want to be in his shoes right now -- talk about being between the devil and the deep blue sea ... he's got to balance the market expectation for lower rates to keep the stock market happy and the increasingly obvious signs of inflation popping up. That's a toughie.

So my dog. We determined he's smart (well, at least not stupid anyway) because he's figured out how to let himself out of his crate. After worrying about how to keep him in, I came up with a solution. I took one of his old leashes, and slid the crate's rear corner post through the handle. This put the leash's thingy (you know, the part that attaches to a dog collar) right next to the lever you have to push to open the door. So I clipped the leash onto the lever, and it only left about a two inch opening. Thinking he couldn't get out, the man and I went out for dinner.

We were wrong.

I am getting embarassed at not being able to outsmart my dog. OF COURSE he was there gretting us at the door when we got home two hours later. I shouldn't have used a leash he could chew. I shouldn't have left two inches gap. He just chewed the leash apart and went on his merry way.

Ugh. So, I knew I should have used the metalchainleash. So what now? Hopefully now I've got it (though it wouldn't surprise me to be greeted at the door by cozmo yet again). I used the clip from the now chewed-and-useless leash and attached it to a keyring, which I attached to the crate. There should now not be enough room to slide the lever at all. I know he's going to somehow get out. I KNOW IT.

I still hate Mondays. I still have therapy on Mondays. I had not been in two weeks, and figured there was nothing to say, but went - as I have to pay anyway. It was a rough session, much to my surprise. I have to remember that I've been through much, much worse. I know I'm not the only woman to have been molested by a relative. I wish that I was in some ways, cause although I'd suffer alone - I would know that my pain and grief were an anomaly, instead of routine.

I can just see my grandfather's hairy old gnarled hands on my white, young skin. Just the image is nauseating and revolting.

I'm going to try and get some serious work done today at work. I'm going to shut my door and ignore all interruptions. Of course, my pc is still fucked and I have to call Gateway - AGAIN - as the warranty runs out tomorrow.

The advantage to working hard is it chases away the despair and sorrow.I was feeling a lot of sorrow and despair - what's the point, I don't want to go to work, etc. this morning. I'm trying to stay in the present, but it's hard. It's hard right now with all the loss and pain I'm facing to understand that there is a point to feeling it at all. I couldn't have integrated to the point where I am now without feeling the pain and the loss. I just wish I hadn't been so unlucky as to have my grandfather touch me like that. I feel so dirty, ashamed, and violated. The sorrow and pain are really awful. That whole physical area just seems so unclean and nasty to me. I want to do something to get rid of this horrible feeling, and there doesn't seem to be anything to do. I hate, really, really, hate old men. shit.

Well, I don't have much to say... I'm desperate to see my girlfriend. The "missing of her" is building up like the pressure in a kettle and I feel as though I'm ready to burst.

It's gotten cold again here in Torino, but tomorrow's payday and I'm happy for that. I finally have my credi cards under controll (only $125 this month) and My debt to Kristi will be wiped away this month.

Other than that... I have a new article apearing on www.baoom.com it's the Ken Kesey interview I posted here last month. Only posting it there earns me 45 euros (I think). They owe me for 4 articles... some 180 euroes will be nice in my pocket one of these days... that's a lot of hash.

Kristi told me she joined us all here on E2... but she hasn't written any nodes yet. She wouldn't even tell me her moniker, saying "that's for me to know and you to find out." She drives me nuts with pleasure that girl does.
Now if I could only see her and return the favor.
At the max we'll get together on the 22nd, but that's still 23 days to go... how auspicious.

My manager is back from vacation today, and he didn't waste any time to find something to bitch at me about. Our VP/GM asked me to check something out regarding the security of our network, so I did it. I'm in the security department, after all.

This morning I wake to the sound of raindrops pelting the window and the wind howling. Yuck! The perfect weather for my day ahead. I don't want to open my eyes. If I open them, then my day begins and I'll have to start studying for the big OS mid-term. So I squeeze them shut even tighter and relish the warm little cocoon I have made of my blanket.

Okay. Enough sleep, I think. Time to face the music.

As I open my eyes I see a cute little kitty figurine on my normally bare nightstand. I smile. Mike must have left it there for me as a surprise. Maybe this day won't be so bad after all.

Things have gotten complicated.
This morning I was talking to my exboyfriend-turned-friend and I wondered if he sees me the same way as I see him. I've stopped thinking of him as that way. However today I started to wonder if I'll actually have to
say something.

We still talk like we did in highschool but I sometimes wonder about his true intentions towards me. He knows me well because we went through highschool together, and that places everyone I met after highschool at a marked disadvantage. In highschool you can't reinvent yourself easily. In college I've reinvented myself every semester. I sometimes think that I'm the same person I was two years ago when I saw him last. Eventually, I'll have to tell him about my new friends and someone new that I think about frequently.Today is not that day.

Luke and I got to DJ at a club Wednesday, and we’re officially residents every Wednesday, until they kick us out. The manager seems to like our style, but we need more people there. I’ve been doing what promotion I can, such as getting us listed in the alternative newspapers, and what-not, but all the flyers rest in the hands of someone who volunteered to distribute them over the past week, and has seemingly done nothing. She is also supposed to be working the door, once we start to charge cover.

She’s had a week to flyer. If she can’t manage to handle a bit of handouts and masking tape, I don’t want to trust her with my money.

I’m now trying to re-evaluate what I want to do, as far as living conditions are concerned. I want to move out of Jessica’s parent’s place, but I’m unsure as to where/when/with who. If Jes can get switched to full-time from part-time, or otherwise find some means of supporting herself, I might not be that adverse to living together again... I can’t support her with the position I’m in, however; and a full-time job would prevent her from going back to school. Lose-lose situations.

The idea of a roommate is somewhat appealing, although I think I may be just missing Venk. I want a roommate of that caliber, and I’m fairly certain I won’t find it. It’d make things much easier, as far as financial concerns go. The state of Ottawa housing is poor at the moment, arguably the worst in Canada. It is unfun.

I used to go to church every morning before school with my mother. I used to like the still calm of that place. The brisk sermon delivered by the padre. It was a haven for me away from my rumbunctious schoolmates.

I got up at 6:30 am to go to school early and be on the internet. As my alarm clock rang I debated on whether or not to actually go. I went.

I got to school and went into the computer lab. I logged onto e2 and started talking with fellow everythingians. An asian woman started talking in front of the class, she had a cute accent.

Later a girl came and sat about 2 computers away from me. She gets up and closes both doors of the room and sits back down. From the corner of my eye I can see her looking at what I'm doing on my screen. This pissed me off. I turned to her and she asked, "Are you the computer tech?" And I said, "No" and she said, "Then what are you doing here? This is a class." I got extremely pissed off now and told everyone in the chatterbox at the time about it. I wanted to beat the shit out of this girl but no, little me, "Mr. Push Over" says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and walks out.

Mat pissed me off a bit later, I guess I was just in a pissy mood this morning. I went to class and sat and almost fell asleep to the lecture. After that class I had a test and I wasn't ready for it, but I took it anyway....and more than likely failed it.

I got out early and called some friends from the library and basically told them that I wasn't going to be meeting them for lunch. I started walking to my car.

On my way there I see a familiar face on a bench: my ex girlfriend. She sees me and gets up and is all, "RJ!" and gives me a hug. I must admit that my heart started pumping faster. She gave me her seat on the bench, whom she had just named "Frank," and talked. I didn't say much at all, its not that I didn't want to talk, I just was shocked and didn't expect to see her at all. Later on I see doof coming and I think, "Fuck." He comes and talks to her and sits down on the floor. My ex goes off to get some water and I just got up and started walking to my car. I said goodbye to my ex later.

I got to work around forty minutes ago and am logged onto e2 right now. *giggle*I want to go home but I know I'll be here for a while.

Well, I have been lurking around trying to figure out just what from my knowledge I can add to this amazing storehouse of stuff. I don't understand how I keep getting and losing xp when I only have 2 write-ups, I guess people are reading them, but that just scares me even more. I guess I should continue to space my write-ups out over time so that any heinous mistakes can be caught and corrected easily. If anyone reads this and wants to /msg me with advice I will gladly accept any and all help.

At the end of a long day today lengthend by lack of sleep in the previous few days I began the task of reinstalling software onto my computer.

The machine is a PII 233 with 32 MB RAM, and I had reformatted the hard drive the previous night. For some reason I couldn't run the software installation setup program. The reason for this was that virus protection was enabled in the setup that is saved in the computer's hardware. Finally I was able to disable the virus protection and run the Win98 SE setup.

There's something nice about reinstalling an operating system. You get a nice clean deskstop to start messing up all over again. Hopefully, you have less things such as additional programs interfering and slowing the system down. There's also something insanely terrifying about it as well. For instance, once I had configured the dial up connection and the modem with the correct drivers, I dialled in. I soon realised that my dial up connection was dropping out quickly. Things were running slowly as well. Another thing which scared me was that a computer on the network running Norton Antivirus started detecting viruses and demanding that files be deleted. My computer was now bringing up a login prompt, when actually I would prefer it not to.

By 11.30pm, time to sleep and I was annoyed that things hadn't gone my way.

I had to wake up early this morning. I had a dentistappointment at 9am to finish off my cavities. I decided I would also go ahead and have my remaining mercury fillings replaced on a subsequent visit.

I got to work, sort of tired and not really looking forward to the day. I opened my email and I saw a message from Sara. She rarely writes me at my work email address. I read the short and simple message:

Just thought I would write you a quick note to say good morning and I hope you have a good day! :) Take care!

She can't possibly imagine how much that meant to me. That small message had made me so happy, I can't describe how I felt.

The rest of the day was uneventful, but I was happy through most of it after having read that. Sara stopped by the office to go to lunch with CR. I sort of felt odd that I was not invited, but I know she and CR like to talk about stuff that I'm not really supposed to know about (sometimes I wonder if it's about me, but that may be too selfish of me to assume for sure).

We're not going out together anyway, so I don't really expect that she has to stop by to see me. Her message from this morning was nice enough, and we're having lunch together on Friday anyway, so I'm happy with how it is.

My air conditioner had to go bust on me again today. I'm really getting tired of this. It's at least the fourth time it has failed since I've been in this apartment. It's going to be about 80-78°F (~26-25°C) tonight, so it's not exactly as cool as I like it to be when I'm sleeping (usually around 72°F/22°C). This had better not happen in the middle of summer this year like it did for last year for 3 days straight.

Ficus' 25th birthday. I hadn't seen him in at least two months, but he's seen me. Everywhere, apparently.

I went down to Insomniato meet Onya, we decided we needed someone to hold hands with going in the joint. She had a lot less to be intimidated by than me. She never actually dated Mayonaise, but Ficus and I had been some weird legendary couple. So we walk in and...

He's almost waiting for me. It was almost as if I were expected. I walk right up to the bar and buy me a black and tan and him a pitcher. "Happy Birthday". He's smiling wanly and asks me if I'd like to have a seat. Just then, Griffin walks in and smacks me upside the back of my head in greeting. Great...that's all I need tonight. I excuse myself, go say hi to a few people, and when I return, the two are attempting to talk to each other from behind the smirks plastered on their faces. I laugh loudly, as I am on my way to getting drunk and getting enough nerve to talk to Ficus about everything that has happened.

I sit down and we talk. One and a half hours go by, with Loopy Dave sitting there mediating. Have I ever told you who Dave reminds me of? Well, here's a hint...he's about five-ten now, really bitchy, incredibly intelligent, a big mouth, born in the year of the monkey...I digress. After that one and a half hours, Ficus turns to me and asks, "So is it true?" I nod. "Congratulations", "No, not really necessary." I hold up my empty left hand and wag it just as Griffin heads torwards the door. "I'll see you later", Griffin says as he eyes lock onto my hand and he digs his way to the door.

Ficus and I end up telling each other how we both really do care about the other, and I apologized greatly for all the craziness I had stirred up. He said it was okay and he hoped he'd see me around more often. We hugged and I gave him our last kiss.

I grabbed Onya and told her I had to make my way home. I followed her until I pulled into Griffin's driveway, where I hopped out and stormed in. "Oh, you're drunk." He says. I lay down on the bed next to him and look into those big green eyes swimming in front of me.

"How'd it go?"

"Fine" I said as I wait for the waves of nausea to fade. "He got rid of the gun, he forgives me, and he still thinks you're a schmuck. I guess you could say he wished me the best. I'm just glad we talked and that's one weight off of my chest."

Today was what I would classify as not a good day. Love problems, college problems, finding-a-job-after-college problems all aligned and boom - the waterworks started.
I'm perfectly okay with the concept of crying however what I'm not okay with is when the venue is smack bang in the middle of college.

I decided to negotiate my escape from college in central London to my sister's house near Wembley in North London, so I made my way to the tube station. Unfortunately, the machines were not working so I actually had to go to the ticket counter and talk to another human being.

With my head down, I asked for the appropiate travelcard.
"You can have me if you like, love"
Looking up, I could see a genuine mischievous smile on the face of one of those kindly men who obviously loved his job - meeting and talking to people.
"Oh ok. You can have your travel card. That'll be 4 pounds 30, love"
I handed over the money and returned his smile with one of my own. Not a grimace through teary eyes or a glazed smile through an alcohol induced haze but a genuine smile coupled with a sincere "thank you"

His smile got me through my tube journey without breaking down into tears again and it even made me smile at other people. It was simple, free and easy to do but it meant more to me than he will ever know.