Aw, crap. Mailbag’s late again this week. Sorry about that. Let’s get right to it:

Good afternoon (I’m guessing you’re doing this in the afternoon),

Actually, I review the mailbag questions and format them on Wednesday night. The responses get crafted throughout the day on Thursday, which is why the mailbag sometimes runs late. The mailbag also runs late when nude photos of Blake Lively show up online and I spend the morning saving the high-res images to my hard drive and staring in blissful wonder at the fulfillment of so many wishes.

Some Fantasy/Sex Mailbag questions for you. Sex first: A few weeks ago, I was out at a bar and started talking to a girl. Things went well and we exchanged numbers and texted each other the next day. Because I’m a dumbass, I didn’t really follow up with her and try to secure a date of some sort. We’re still friends on Facebook and she’ll occasionally ‘like’ a picture or status update I have, so I’m guessing there’s some interest from her. But I’m unsure of how to re-establish contact. I know calling her is the best way, but I’m unsure of what to say. I’d like to avoid “It’s [NAME], from [BAR] a few weeks ago. Um, call me!”

Do you have any pointers or advice on what my first few sentences should be?

There are going to be differing opinions on this one. Some of the older-school folks will claim that a phone call is most appropriate, because it takes more balls and is the most direct form of communication. But what happens if she presses “ignore” on your call? You go to voicemail and stammer out something that’s either too long and apologetic or too abrupt and uncaring, and then she doesn’t listen to it for two days because, honestly, voicemail is a fucking pain in the ass that everyone with text messaging has grown to hate.

I think a simple text message along the lines of “Hey, sorry I messed up and never asked you out. Can I buy you a drink/take you to the movies this week?” is all you need. If she responds with a yes, you text, “Excellent, I’ll call you tonight.” If she ignores you, oh well. Lesson learned.

Another option that I like is the Facebook message, but that’s because I like to communicate in more detail when I’m wooing a woman. If writing is one of your strengths, that may be a better option.

Fantasy Football: I’m in a keeper league and we can keep four guys. Your four keepers are effectively your first four picks. My team made the playoffs so I’ve got some options. Phillip Rivers and Michael Turner are the ‘duh’ keepers. But I’ve also got Jahvid Best, Marques Colston, Hakeem Nicks, Kenny Britt, Marshawn Lynch and Shonn Greene as options.

I’d probably lean toward Colston over Best, but Jahvid is the bolder choice.

I really like all of your players, though. They’re not keepers, but I think Greene and Lynch could be sleepers next year: Greene is massively talented but devalued after a disappointing 2010 season, and Beast Mode is still young and playing for a Seahawks line that was young, injured, and playing in a new scheme last year.

**********

This next letter made the mailbag for its pure swagger: part life coach, part asshole, all confidence.

Cut the music, Sex/bragging: I’ve anxiously awaited the mailbag every week, it’s hysterically funny and actually pretty great advice. But the whining has got to stop from some of you. It’s getting worse each week and I’ve noticed a trend where it gets real bitchy in the offseason which is ridiculous because it’s Spring/Summer and if you’re not busy pulling wool out of your teeth, then what the fuck are you doing? Life definitely sucks at times no doubt. I was on the verge of marriage with a looney bird (albeit a looney bird with amazing boobs, low self esteem and issues with dad, aka jackpot!) who called it quits with seconds to spare. Of COURSE she was fucking my friends, SURE she was fucking my coworkers, YOU BET she was fucking her coworkers, that’s normal crap to find out after a break up. But, don’t mope around when shit like this happens! Share sex stories and send naked pics to friends, family or random people and have fun with it.

Sure shit can seem real rough but it shouldn’t take long to realize how easy it can be to either go out and find some strange to take to pound town OR to find a non slutty girl to date, which is definitely the harder of the two. If you actually pay any attention the advice is always the same whether it comes from your buddies or the Don Juans at KSK: sit up straight, lose some weight, don’t be an asshole, don’t be a douche bag (they’re different), have at least one interesting thing to talk about, find your balls and then shave them because it’s just common fucking courtesy (get it? like literally ‘fucking’ courtesy, like sex, get it? fuck you, i don’t have to impress you). It really doesn’t take much to make this shit happen.

Also, stop asking about how you can stick your penis in some poor girls fart box! If you ask me it always ends shitty (pause for laughter) and don’t be a puss, if they like you enough for you to put them through that pain then be a man and let them stick a finger up your poop hole. I promise, you’ll never ask for anal again.

I don’t think I’ve answered an email about anal in at least a year. Those questions were browbeaten out of the mailbag ages ago.

By the way, screw your long-distance relationship moratorium, being in one is the best thing that’s happened in awhile.

Better than Osama bin Laden getting killed?

I’m going on 6 months in an LDR and it’s awesome.

“Hey everybody, go to hell with the repetitive subject matter! Now listen to me bring up the most worn-out mailbag subject of the last six months.”

Every week or two I get on a plane, have a ton of awesome sex, have someone tell me how handsome and fun I am and then fly home where I don’t have to deal with anyone’s day to day bullshit and they don’t have to deal with mine. Maybe it’ll work out, maybe it won’t but right now all I’m worried about is that this girl is the nicest and coolest person I have ever met and without a doubt it’s the best sex I could ask for. She lets me do things to her that would make her father cry but at the same time she’s so cool that I couldn’t wait for my mommy to meet her and really what more do you want?

Well, bully for you. Scroll down to the comments to read what I’m sure will be nothing but praise and compliments about how awesome you are.

Football in the groin: There better be a GD season this year, I’m primed for making fun of Brady (because of how jealous I am), listening to Joe Buck (seriously can it get any better than this guy?) and critiquing everything my favorite team does (because, how the hell could they not have gone for two?! those freakin’ idiots). If there is a season, shortened or not do you have any advice for either trying starting a league or an approach to take for weaseling into an existing one? I just moved and I don’t like playing with people that I can’t harass in person but I don’t know how I should bring it up to people I barely know or gauge how seriously they would take it because FF is serious business. Smash dem’ guts, R. Goodells Weird Neck

If you want to be in a fantasy league with people in your area, spend your summer making friends. Go to the local sports bar tonight; if there are guys in tank tops yelling at the TV and cheering for LeBron in the NBA Finals, chat them up. I bet y’all will get along just fine.

**********

Dear KSK, Sex: I really love my girlfriend. We’ve been together 3.5 years and now live together (after 2.5 years of long distance). She’s in med school and I’m graduated but have been unable to find a teaching job. I work a shitty job that pays me very very little and I can’t stand it anymore. This has caused no small amount of doubt (from me) about our relationship because my hatred of my job has sort of spilled over into hating everything about my life, including my girlfriend.

Seems healthy.

I moved to her city to be with her and hopefully start my career and then things would just progress naturally from there. But things haven’t happened that way and I find myself waking up everyday thinking about how I should quit my job and break up with my girlfriend and go somewhere, anywhere else and start over. I, for a while, felt like this feeling was solely generated by the hatred of my job/life but now I’m not so sure. I also feel like, after 3.5 years, she should have some sort of say and understanding about this decision. We’re both adults and we both should be able to sit down and talk about how our goals for the next five years (her: get married, have kids, become successful doctor. me: find a job) are totally different and how we have two different views on what everyday life should be like (her: I’m the stay at home dad. Me: I’m NOT the stay at home dad, in fact I’m not a dad at all).

Jesus, dude. She wants kids and you don’t. And you’ve been together 3.5 years.

*sigh*

NOTE TO KSK READERS — This dude is too late to help, but here’s a handy guideline: it is best to discuss whether you and a potential partner share the same goals for having a family sometime BEFORE you embark on a long-distance relationship for two and a half year, then move to a different city to live with that person, then live with that person for a year. And remember, this helpful advice comes totally free of charge. What a deal!

I honestly just don’t know if I have the stones to have that conversation because she’ll cry and I’m not very good with sticking to my guns when a woman is crying. But, if I know I’m going to say, at some point, “I think we should separate/break up” shouldn’t I just open with that? (We’ve already had one conversation involving how unhappy I am here and how I was going to look for jobs (including ones outside of teaching) in other cities and how that might make me unable to move/live with her for multiple years and that might cause us to break up. So this isn’t coming out of the blue.) I really do love this woman and want nothing but the best for her. I just feel like I am so unhappy that whatever I bring to the table isn’t good for either of us anymore. -Sad Wagon

That’s tough, man. Being unemployed or employed at a shitty job for any extended period of time can be absolutely crushing. I feel you: I went through some lean times when I moved to New York City, burning through my savings and feeding on Ramen noodles and slices of pizza before landing jobs that sapped my spirit and barely paid the bills — and I didn’t even have a loving, caring girlfriend to help pay the rent and direct my unhappiness at.

Whoops, sorry. I was trying be sympathetic, you miserable son of a bitch. Given the tone of your email, your girlfriend has to be a goddam saint to put up with the dark cloud you must cast over the apartment.

We’re all responsible for our own happiness. Love, work, home: all that shit is ultimately controlled by you. You sound like someone who needs a change in at least one of those three categories. If you and your girlfriend can’t have a mature conversation about the future because you can’t handle the sight of a woman crying, you’re only sentencing yourself to a whole fucking ocean of tears down the road.

**********

Dear KSK, Some eight years ago, give or take, a student at my school built a service into the school website called “Hookup.” People can log in using their school usernames, and can enter another student’s username into a list. Those students receive an e-mail telling them that someone has entered their name, but they can only see who it is if they enter the same person’s name on their own list, at which point both people get notifications that they have a match, and then awkwardness ensues. Like I said, the site was built years ago, and while apparently it was popular for a little while, its fell off the map pretty quickly, for fairly obvious reasons.

Flash forward to this winter: That same former-student is back at school as a guest lecturer (he turned out to be a pretty successful dude) and some idiot on the school paper (me) decides to write up a feature about his work, mostly because we needed to get some filler copy. One of the things that comes up in the article is “Hookup.” The site’s usage explodes immediately after the article comes out – keep in mind no one knew about this for years – and just as rapidly dissipates once people get bored guessing who added them, or realize it was just their roommates messing with them.

If I may:

Another rapid transition: Back in the fall, I met a girl at a party who I hit it off with surprisingly well – this is not something that happens to me all that regularly keep in mind. We didn’t hook up, mostly because her friends decided to be buzzkills, but shit happens. We flirt briefly on Facebook after that, but after a few days of radio silence the connection seems dead, and since we crossed paths maybe once for the rest of the semester, nothing came of that.

Coming back in the spring though, suddenly our schedules are a little more compatible, and we run into each other a decent amount. It’s all very flirty, and shit is going nicely. I keep hoping to run into her at a party, but no luck, so eventually I invite her to a party at my apartment. She doesn’t show up, and I’m sufficiently disappointed, etc. This is the same week that the article about “Hookup” comes out though, and I wake up the next morning to an e-mail saying someone added me. In my hopeful (and I think still slightly drunk) state, I add her name and, what do you know, it’s a match.

I don’t have her number at this point, so I have to find an opportunity to talk to her in person.

Or you could have contacted her on Facebook, smart guy.

It takes a few weeks (this happened just before spring break) but eventually I find the opportunity and the balls to ask her out, and she says yes. Victory for me, it seems, but when I try to actually have a date of any sort, she either is busy, or ignores my messages completely. I try a few different times, doing my best to avoid being annoyingly persistent, and eventually the semester ends with no success, and no real indication from her that she has any intention of ever going out with me.

My question is this: What the hell happened?

She wasn’t interested and/or you blew it.

Was she messing with me from the beginning?

I doubt it. She might have liked flirting with you when she was drinking, but then wasn’t interested in you when she was sober.

Did I do something wrong and scare her off?

It’s possible. You’re a young journalist, which means you’re probably an awkward weirdo with no game.

Do I owe the guy who built “Hookup” a high five for creating a good lead, or a deadarm for creating such a confusion (keeping in mind he was my professor this semester)? Sincerely, Not Getting Laid Via Journalism

It wasn’t a good lead at all. The good lead was you hitting it off at the party last fall. The “Hookup” part of this story is just a big red herring and waste of column space.

Forget the girl; it’s not worth the brainpower trying to figure out what went wrong. Just be more confident. Try to find a happy medium between your email and the rant above from the Coke Bandit, whatshisface, Goodell’s Neck or whatever.

**********

Dear Stone-age Swami: FF first: I am the commissioner of a 16 team league comprised of mostly guys from college with a few random friends thrown in. About half the league lives in the same city and the other half is spread out throughout the country. Now that we are entering our second year, I need some advice on how to approach setting the league when its almost impossible to get a consensus amongst all the players. I don’t want to be a tyrant but it seems like the easiest thing to do is just set the rules myself to prevent an endless debate on the details. Some things that need to be decided are: Draft order (Random, inverse order of last years standings), Where to have the Draft (we did all online last year and I thought it sucked but it would be nearly impossible to get everyone in the same place), Keepers (yes/no, if so what round), Fees, Trophy ( I was thinking title belt at the start of last year but I almost don’t want to do it now b/c everyone will think I am copying Aaron Rodgers). Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

In order:

Draft order: Random, decided ten minutes before the draft.

Draft location: Online if you’re spread over the country; in person if you can get 75% of the owners in the same place.

Keepers: Your job as commish is easier without them.

Fees: Yes, variable depending on people’s employment. $20-$50 is normal for us middle class folk, though people with better jobs and gambling addictions may scoff at those numbers.

Trophy: No. You’re adults. Money is your trophy.

Sex: My GF and I have dated for almost a year and a half, and we have lived an hour and a half apart the entire time (not really long distance but annoying non the less). She just lost her job and is talking about looking for work in my city. I am very excited about being in the same town and getting to see her more often. But, in order to move here she is going to have to live with me, at least temporarily, and I have never lived with a girlfriend before.

I love her but we have never been able to spend more than a week together because of our work commitments and I am a little scared about what would happen if it went south and she didn’t have any other place to go (right now her only friends in my city are my friends). I truly think this is the girl I am going to marry, but I am not the type of person to jump blindly into any situation. Am I wrong to suggest that she should try and find her on place as soon as possible, or should just man the F up and let it ride and deal with the fallout if it ever goes south.

I sincerely hope I don’t come across as a whiny lil bitch. -Clever Pseudonym

I don’t think you’re a whiny bitch; your concerns are perfectly valid. The situation you’re in is like having a romantic picnic on a beautiful spring day in a flowery meadow that is littered with anti-personnel mines: it’s possible that you’ll have a wonderful time, but you’re right to be worried about losing your legs or ending up a bloody mist.

Obviously, having your girlfriend in the same city as you would be a great step forward for your relationship, but having her in the same apartment may put undue stress on you two, especially if her unemployment streak stretches longer than anticipated.

The best thing you can do is be open and honest about your feelings right now: tell her that you love her and you’re excited to have her closer to you, but express that her living with you might be too big of a leap and could actually hurt your relationship. Explore other options, like helping her find her own place, or seeing if her parents will help financially, or allowing her to crash at your place during the week while she interviews for jobs. IMPORTANT: you need to get her to see eye-to-eye with you on this, because if you let her move ANY of her big stuff in — table, books, armoire — be prepared for the possibility of her staying with you a LOT longer than planned.

I want more like this!

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06.02.11 at 5:37 pm

Enrico Pallazzo

Awwwww, Mr. Worldly Cock can’t even figure out how to run a FF league. You know what, I can’t make fun of him simply because his opening rant was delightful. He’s the Ultimate Warrior of sexbag emailers.

06.02.11 at 5:46 pm

therick711

So did the guy in the LDR just blast everyone who writes into the mailbag? He did? Ok, just wondering. I think Rowdy Roddy Piper needs to calm it down, especially since he wrote in on the most played subject.

06.02.11 at 5:48 pm

steeler fan in peru

Back on the LDR train I see…

To the first dude. I find the facebook message to be great. Use a recent like or comment as a launch pad. Tell her about the pic or something, and suggest you guys hang out. Keep it brief, but not too blunt either.

Mr. 3.5 years of relationship: You are beyond help. Abort mission. Go with the gut here. If you’re miserable, and not even your lovely girl can cheer you up, you gotta do what’s best for you. Everybody will just be miserable if you don’t. And I’ve only seen like one girl cry. You must be a handful if you know how you react in that situation.

Last dude with girl moving in:
Great questions. You’re absolutely right on this one. I think CC said it best. Talk it out. Try and ease into it. Let her come over for a week or two and look at jobs but still live back home. See how it plays out. Don’t just let a U-Haul show up at your door. I’d recommend that course. That way you can see how it feels to live with her (people are a lot different living together IMO) and she can see your support. Be active in it too. Help her look for work and all that.

06.02.11 at 5:56 pm

porky1

therick: perhaps we should call him Rowdy Roddy PipeHer?

Anyway, that guy’s whole email came off as a halftime pep talk gone awry. Like a Keanu outtake from the Replacements.

06.02.11 at 5:57 pm

TH/DeSean Is My Anti-Drug

You besmirch the name of Randy Savage by calling that douche Macho Man. FATWA!

-Clever Pseudonym
If you so much as let her keep even a toothbrush at your house you will have to burn down the building to get her to leave.

06.02.11 at 6:10 pm

ThePirateSloth

Uff, that minefield analogy is pure awesome.

06.02.11 at 6:12 pm

Darrone

I have all these awesome friends and great sex and no reason to whine!

By the way, I don’t have anyone to play fantasy football with…

06.02.11 at 6:25 pm

jimster

Every week it is the same list of whiny relationship/can’t close the deal/did I screw up with this person/I don’t know how to talk to women letters. This isn’t Dr. Phil. I am starting to miss the days of the “how do I get my girlfriend to do anal” letters.

06.02.11 at 6:26 pm

donturtuccio

I read RDL as LDS for like 5 minutes and was confused why the Mormon thought he was better than me.

06.02.11 at 6:31 pm

Kam Fong as Chin Ho

SInce I know at least one person will have a question about the robot…
Danger Will Robinson Danger!

06.02.11 at 6:35 pm

Tracer Bullet

You’re a young journalist, which means you’re probably an awkward weirdo with no game.

HEY . . . Okay, you have a point. But eventually all that reading and writing makes you interesting and you can develop game. IT’S TRUE, I SWEAR.

06.02.11 at 6:38 pm

Rusty Shackleford

I can’t believe you broke the moratorium for that dickwad.

06.02.11 at 6:40 pm

Fantasy Semantics

Last week I wrote in about whether I should ask to see my friend’s naked photos and Caveman advised me that looking at them would be a bad idea. I think we can all agree that if a certain Gossip Girl actress had been the friend in question then I should just throw the laptop containing his advice right out the window and replace it with a laptop containing naked pictures of Blake Lively. Seriously, though, I’m going to heed his advice and try to forget I even know the photos of my friend even exist. No good could come of it.

My take on this week’s submissions:

@The A-Train: I’d take Colston over Nicks – Eli becomes less trustworthy every year. As far as your love interest goes, just keep it nice and simple – a “Hey, we should get together,” should suffice via text or facebook.

@R. Goodells Weird Neck
(Hands bro a Smirnoff Ice)
(Takes it back and hands him a Twisted Tea)

@Sad Wagon: Break up with her and go. Now. One of the primary reasons why I got serious with my wife was because she shared my desire to remain childless. One of the primary reasons I broke up with my previous girlfriend was because she DID want children and even though she wasn’t pressuring me or anything, the clock was ticking. If you don’t want kids, let her get out there and find someone who does. Ovaries don’t last forever, you know. And if you’re going to be poor and unemployed and miserable, at least move somewhere warm and fun so you don’t stay miserable.

@Not Getting Laid Via Journalism: Ah, to be young and to actually agonize over missed opportunities. Just shrug it off and move on with your life. It’s not worth worrying about.

@Clever Pseudonym: One thing to keep in mind – if she moves in and things go well during the time that she’s there, once she moves out it is going to be a big step BACK in your relationship. So I wouldn’t advise letting her stay with you unless you are prepared to ask her to stay permanently.

06.02.11 at 6:46 pm

miamidiesel

Darrone wins

06.02.11 at 6:55 pm

Fat Punk Kicker

@Not Getting Laid Via Journalism If you only have 1 prospect in 9 months of college you need to go out more. Meet some friends and get druck with them at a bar where lots of dumb college chicks hang out. Just don’t talk too much, you don’t want her to find out that you are a nerd untill after you take her back to your mothers basement

06.02.11 at 6:56 pm

Lobster Stuffed With Tacos

To the first guy: Gotta agree with the Facebook message route. Great advice as usual, Captain.

Sad Wagon: What year of med school is she in? Is she looking at residencies? If you think this relationship could still be saved and there’s an excuse to move to a different city to start over (if she matches to a hospital in a different city). Of course, the difference in life goals might be a deal breaker, but hard to turn down the potential of having a sugar mama.

06.02.11 at 7:06 pm

hand over the white wine and no one gets hurt

@Clever Pseudonym I was once in a similar situation, tho I was the girl and he was the dude. We had been in a LDR for 2 years and he decided he wanted to move to my town. Even tho I loved him, I told him flat out that I was not cool with him moving in with me when he made the jump. You should never encourage someone to move if they aren’t independent enough to take care of themselves because then the only reason they are moving is YOU. And YOU end up being a caretaker, social chair and all-around motivator (I’d seen this happen with so many friends that I refused to do it). I got shit to do and friends to hang out with and I didn’t want to constantly be worried about the unemployed s.o. who was at home all day. Maybe it sounds harsh, call me a bitch, but she should move knowing that she is partly responsible for setting up her own life. Otherwise, kiss those boy nights out goodbye.

06.02.11 at 7:08 pm

Zym

@Sad Wagon It might be a good idea to take some steps to get yourself feeling generally better before you start making large life decisions. Make you take care of yourself in the nutrition/exercise department so you don’t slip from regular depression to clinical depression. Use your free time to join a club or something, this will keep you occupied and can get you work leads. Once you’re a bit happier in general you can asses your situation better and you’ll have more fortitude for unpleasant conversations.

06.02.11 at 7:35 pm

Dux

Sad Wagon:
Save you AND your girlfriend a lot of trouble and break up w/ her now.
Then give me her number. I’ll be a stay-at-home dad w/ a doctor wife.

06.02.11 at 7:37 pm

chazz_goodtimes

I beg to differ on the trophy thing. I went on ebay and bid on a silver bowl / cup a couple years ago to use as a trophy for our league. Including shipping I spend about $17 and as much as I would love to win the money each year I want that trophy above my fireplace as much if not more. Also I want a fireplace.

Since I bought it the winner receives it in the mail from the prior year winner within a week or two of the end of the season. So far the winners have enjoyed it and they have taken some taunting pictures – usually just drinking beer out of it but one guy brought it on vacation with him and took a whole series of photos. I photoshop it into various meme pictures during the year (crying don draper being my favorite thus far)…

Anyway- it lets us keep the entry fees reasonable for everyone while adding a little extra incentive to win so thats just my two cent ramble on the matter.

/refuses to reference crudely animated short from the Tracy Ullman Show

06.02.11 at 8:04 pm

Slash

Dudes write in all the time asking how to know when a girl/chick/woman/hot piece of ass is interested. I’m not going to scold them or call them stupid. I’m going to help (not that CC’s advice is not also excellent).

You know a female is interested in you when you call or text her and she answers you back promptly (like, within the hour). If she doesn’t answer back in that timeframe, she’s probably not all that interested.

Jesus, most women I’ve ever seen nearly break their fucking arm reaching for their cell phone, iPhone, whatever, every time it rings or beeps. Especially if they’re under the age of 30. No under-30 bitch in America is too fucking busy to check out her cell phone when it alerts her to a call or text. I’ve seen many, many women carry their cell phone in their goddam hand and their purse in the other hand, at the same time, while they’re shopping, or waiting in line at Starbucks or whatever. Why do they carry the cell phone instead of keeping it in the purse? So they can answer it, or at least see who’s calling. They check that fucker obsessively, in the truest sense of the word “obsessively.” It never leaves their sight.

So if a female doesn’t answer your text or call promptly, forget her. She’s not interested. I’m sure there are exceptions, but not enough to bet your peace of mind on.

06.02.11 at 8:04 pm

Slash

I kind of liked the douchebag manifesto. I mean, they’re not words to live by, but they were entertaining.

06.02.11 at 8:08 pm

SOB in TO

+1 on the trophy. Put each year’s champion on them like a Stanley Cup. Let them bring it home to display and bring it to Sunday gatherings of Football Viewing with the other owners who are greening with envy as you drink beer from it. Yes, make sure it is a bowl or cup on top.

06.02.11 at 8:26 pm

yeah, right?

What’s so fucking hard about making a phone call, A-train? You said you were Facebook friends and you occasionally like something she posts so she will know who you are when you call. I’m beginning to see why our youngsters are asking more and more pussified questions. Communicating by text doesn’t count as real communication.
Make the goddamn call. From a land line!
I for one, will not be checking out the new “cancer” app at the itunes store

06.02.11 at 8:28 pm

yeah, right?

Goddamn whipper-snappers!

06.02.11 at 8:34 pm

Random Internet Commenter

@Clever Pseudonym, I couldn’t agree more with hand over the white wine and no one gets hurt. Your not being ready to move in with your GF is the only factor you should consider when the idea of her moving in with you (for any reason, there is no such thing as “temporarily” moving in, unless you define “temporarily” as “until the inevitable bitter breakup.”) The other thing I would add to her comment is that, once the two of you have an opportunity to be closer geographically to one another there is always a possibility that she may have some elements to her personality that are not, shall we say, those of a sane and rational person that she’s been able to keep under wraps due to the distance between your respective homes and what I’d guess are some limits to how much of each other you see because of that. If she does have those unfortunate traits, by letting her move in under these circumstances when you’re not ready will send a clear signal that you can be manipulated into doing things you may not want to if she creates an “emergency situation” out of them.

Ask me how I know. Or better yet, don’t. It’s not fun to re-live…

06.02.11 at 9:12 pm

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

As per usual, Slash is absolutely right about whether or not the girl is interested. If she keeps saying she’s busy or not responding, don’t bother chasing. In fact your only chance of getting her at that point is to ignore her, in which case she A) misses the attention and then you bang or B) it’s done.

06.02.11 at 9:20 pm

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

And Goodell’s Neck… that’s bro as shit bro. But bro, you are so obviously in the early stages of this LDR. Take it from me, soon she’ll start talking about how the visits are too short and too far between. She’s probably already going out with her single friends when you’re not there cuz she’s bored… getting exposed to other bros. There’s always other bros. If she stops texting/calling as frequently, or you guys don’t bang when you see her, there’s a problem, most likely another dude.

06.02.11 at 9:24 pm

DancingBaptist

@ Sad Wagon. Advice from my mother : “Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face “. Translated into 21st century speak:: Your life may be shitty now, but is it crappy BECAUSE of your G/F or does she bring more to the table than she takes away?

IOW, imagine being miserable and NOT having her in your life. Oh, and once she starts residency, I’d wager the LAST thing she’ll want is LESS sleep. (Babies are like Vampires, they sleep by day and suck the life out of you at night).

But yes, talk to her. AT LENGTH.

06.02.11 at 9:41 pm

M

@yeah, right? Agreed. The FB/text thing seems like such a pantywaist move. Regardless of what he does, though, Slash got it right: if there’s no immediate response from the girl, A Train needs to move on.

06.02.11 at 10:38 pm

Moose (the thread ender)

The bragger “R. Goodells Weird Neck” is a douche, but kinda funny if he shorten it up by 75%. However, Dirt Road sex can be very rewarding for both individuals if done CORRECTLY. But if you are constantly wondering how to “get” her to do it, most likely you are being a preoccupied selfish prick and don’t deserve it anyway so shut the fuck up.

06.02.11 at 11:48 pm

yeah, right?

The comedic stylings of Goodells Weird Neck, live from Bar Anticipation in South Belmar NJ when we return.
Bro!
Brah!
Fuckin A, Bro!

06.03.11 at 1:01 am

Moose (the thread ender)

yeah, right? I think we’ve heard enough of that guy, however if you could lay down a few dick jokes it would be much appreciated.

06.03.11 at 1:10 am

yeah, right?

Dear Sad Wagon: You really need to run away. Fast. There are a few tell-tale signs that things aren’t working out for you.
“because my hatred of my job has sort of spilled over into hating everything about my life, including my girlfriend” This is one. That’s a big effing sign.
And…
“I really do love this woman and want nothing but the best for her. I just feel like I am so unhappy that whatever I bring to the table isn’t good for either of us anymore.”
This is the closer. Yep. That’s a head shot. “I want nothing but the best” is the vote of confidence right before a new head coach takes over.
Seriously. Go home or go to a new city. Get out and just take your clothes with you. Text her or update your Facebook profile. No shit, man get the fuck out of there right away. And lose the fucking phone!
Keep us posted.

06.03.11 at 1:14 am

yeah, right?

You know what’s funny?
My dick is funny.

06.03.11 at 1:37 am

Boner Jams '03

“How do I ask her out” is also one of the way too frequently asked questions. The worst someone can do is ignore you, say no, or publicly mock you. The last one rarely ever happens.

If you don’t want things to be radically awkward IF you get shot down:
1. Don’t try to date close friends of yourself or your family/friends.
2. Don’t ask out coworkers, ever, unless it’s a job you don’t care about losing and you are 23 or under.

Here’s your form letter: “I had a great time talking with you at (the party, that class, the holocaust, etc). I’d like to get to know you more, would you like to (grab a drink/coffee, have something to eat, meet near an ally in a part of town with low police presence).”

If they say no, congratulations, that’s one person on this planet you never need to waste your time dealing with again.

The KSK mailbag is a 7th grade lunch table–except when there are murdered ex-girlfriends, then it’s awesome.

06.03.11 at 1:39 am

yeah, right?

@Clever Pseudonym: Here’s what’s going to happen: you will both start to realize that each other is a pig. Both of you will fart and leave icky potty situations from time to time. You will both snore. You will both put an almost empty milk carton back in to the refrigerator and not buy a replacement carton. You will both forget to stop at the store for cheese and garlic and you will both realize; holy shit I just met this person a year and a half ago. If you can make it past this you’re golden. If not?
You’re young and you got your health. What you want with a job?

/helpless romantic.
That’s it for now.
Maybe

06.03.11 at 8:08 am

Brutus Ballsack

Man of Mucho Macho – You are awsome! I loved hearing about how awsome you are. Please start your own blog, you’re that awsome. This is not facetious.

Try doing so volunteer work, giving back makes you feel better about yourself and it helps you realize that there are people with far worse problems than your own. You have your health, a job(if you don’t like it…do what you have to do to find one that you do like), and a girl who loves you despite of yourself. That is not that bad and it definitely doesn’t mean you should blow up your life because you are depressed right now. Put in the work to make your life better and don’t take your girlfriend for granted because you don’t want to do something stupid and regret it later.

I would say the first thing you need to do is figure out what you want to do with your life, what makes you happy. Then go for it like there is no tomorrow, because tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. Life is too short to be depressed about a situation you can change for the better, you deserve better. You have a great girlfriend who is on her way to being successful, don’t underestimate that. Get yourself together and a year from now you will be in a better place.

I have spoken and so it shall be.

06.03.11 at 9:27 am

HarfHarfHarf

Clever — I kind of agree with Yeah, Right? If she moves in, it might work out great. It might be difficult, but you each learn to change a bit, and to live with the other persons foibles a bit. Those would be OK outcomes. On the other hand, it might be horrible, and you will want to leave the relationship and apartment, dye your hair, change your name, etc. Like Yeah, Right said, you’re young. You are going to have one of THOSE relationships sometime. It’s not the end of the world. In fact, as CC will probably admit, his bad breakups helped make him the gentleman he is today. I ‘m not saying to do it, but don’t NOT do it because you are afraid of the worst. Even if the worst happens, it ain’t the end of the world.

BTW, we have a traveling FFL trophy. It is a wooden plaque with a gilded athletic cup (get it?). The winner each year puts his name on it (they foot their own bill at Things Remembered). the rule is that you have to display it in a prominent place in your home or office. Traveling with the Cup is encouraged. This way, we get something to hand off, and we reaffirm to our wives that men are stupid. The year my father in law won the Cup, I thought my MIL was going to kill me. Win/Win all around.

06.03.11 at 10:26 am

The Harvin Headache

There’s no having a girlfriend of a year and a half plus move in with you temporarily. It doesn’t happen. If she moves in, the only way she’s out is with the end of the relationship. Otherwise, anything else will be considered taking a step back, and she’ll resent you for it. It’ll spark all types of questions about commitment, longevity, and “Why don’t you love me?” shrieks after a few glasses of wine.

Clearly, you don’t want her to live with you yet. Every boyfriend wants to come to the rescue, but this isn’t the time to put on the Captain Save-a-Ho cape.

06.03.11 at 11:23 am

Big Chris

“if there are guys in tank tops yelling at the TV and cheering for LeBron in the NBA Finals, chat them up. I bet y’all will get along just fine.”

Just awesome

06.03.11 at 11:35 am

NJSeahawksFan

Goodell’s Neck demonstrates why rants should be left to the professionals. Or at least that rants should be original and not rehashes of CC’s old mailbags.

06.03.11 at 11:49 am

Molly

Jesus Christ these mailbags have become so fucking whiney! they aren’t even fun to read anymore, it’s all: “I’m in a long distance relationship and i don’t know what to do,” “I don’t know how to ask this girl out,” MAN THE FUCK UP, they sound like little fucking girls, so much so that they make me ashamed to be a woman and I’m the one with the vagina. Could we have a little more “how do I get my son to stop jerking off in a sock” and “what’s the protocol for a WMW threesome” (aka, funny shit to read). This isn’t even a sex/fantasy mailbag anymore, it’s a relationship/mailbag. If I want to read up in relationship advice I will start reading fucking Elle magazine*

*When Hell freezes over

06.03.11 at 12:19 pm

Dave

What’s with the “ask her out via a Facebook message” crap? I may be old (46), but jeezus, grow a pair, man up, and just call her and ask her out if you have her number. You’re going to have to talk to her eventually, right?

06.03.11 at 1:04 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

@Dave

A lot of women are weird about that sort of thing. Facebook is sort of benign and allows for an easy out if someone isn’t interested, and while I hate to make blanket statements about gender, Facebook allows women to play coy, because direct interaction is confrontational and often brutal, and it’s easier to let someone down gently if you don’t have to hear their voice. Also, comparatively, Facebook/internet communication is a lot easier to ignore or put on the back burner than the phone, which is immediate and constant.

Also, women be shoppin’.

06.03.11 at 4:11 pm

Yeti Monster

@Sad Wagon

You’ll never be happy with the lady if you’re not happy with youself. So do what you gotta do to be happy again, whether it be move home/ find a new job/ hit the gym like an animal/ give back to the community. If that process means you have to break things off with the lady, so be it. Better cut ties in a healthy manner now and have the possibility of getting back together with her later than continue down your current path of misery that will kill any opportunity of a future with her.

It ain’t easy; decisions like this never are. But nothing that is easy in life is worth doing.

06.03.11 at 5:27 pm

50andstillfly

1. Clever Pseudonym should read Sad Wagon’s letter – in his gf’s voice. Then ask himself if he still wants her to move in.

2. How to ask a woman out: “would you like to have dinner with me sometime?”

3. Re responses: don’t hold ya breath, but ya never know. I asked a woman out via voice mail; when I got no response, I figured she wasn’t interested and moved on. Several months later, I got a card from her explaining that I had asked her during a f*cked up time in her life, and wondering if the offer was still open (nice albeit pg rated photo enclosed)? As of March we’ve been married 9 years.

06.03.11 at 6:28 pm

Phil

Sad Wagon –
Take the advice that Obama’s and Yeti doled out. Listen, man, I’ve been through a period of depression ( and probably more people than you realize have ) and was given similar advice to get myself back on track. Granted, ours are different circumstances, but this is good advice regardless. You have to climb the fuck out of it !

06.03.11 at 6:43 pm

Chakrabs

3.5 yr relationship guy – therapy + antidepressants.

06.03.11 at 10:54 pm

Fred Smoot's Jockstrap

It’s going to be awesome for all you 18-23 year olds when you find out how much more forward girls are when they hit their mid-20s. They start cutting through the bullshit or using tactics designed at so doing if they’re interested. It’s pretty great.

(Philosoraptor asks: or is it that you become more experienced and therefore pick up more of the “I’m interested in you” cues? HRMMMM.)

06.03.11 at 11:04 pm

98horn

@sad wagon-
it sounds like you are in a very dark place. Here is my advice: get out of there and pull a Jack Kerouac. Travel around, see America, get odd jobs for food and travel expenses, just to get from place to place. Being under/unemployed sucks, but you are young and educated. Hit the road: you don’t have be be rich, you just have to be bold, and unafraid of hardship. The most important person you meet when you travel is yourself, and it sounds like you could really, really use something to center you.

06.04.11 at 2:18 am

yeah, right?

Wow. I wasn’t trying to be existential. I was just quoting “Raising Arizona”.
But I’m glad some of you took it to heart.

“Mighty fine cereal flakes, Mrs McDonough”.

06.04.11 at 12:10 pm

mocui

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06.04.11 at 1:32 pm

Tim'sTebowtie

+ (a legit) 3.14 on having a FF trophy. My gawd man, the Shiva is what it’s all about!!!

@ BonerJams – I remember the last time I tried to open with a girl by telling her what a great time I had at the holocaust. Beth Feldman STILL hasn’t called me back. Does that mean she’s not interested?

@ Molly, I must get my hands on this fucking Elle magazine. Sounds like a great read!

/has nothing of value to contribute, but still cracks himself up from time to time
//fear boner

06.04.11 at 3:08 pm

Moose (the thread ender)

@Tim’sTebowtie; Elle = ashamed boner…

P.S. good holocaust line; Beth isn’t good enough for you anyway.

06.05.11 at 1:15 pm

Confused

@ Sad Wagon

So let me get this straight, your girlfriend wants to go to work all day being a successful doctor making a ton of money while you sit at home and watch TV/watch kids/do household chores and you are not okay with that? I understand after a time it would get old, but assuming she is somewhat close to graduating med school, this sounds like a gold mine. Enjoy it while the the rest of us work 40 hours a week while you sit at home and play with yourself for 8 hours a day

06.06.11 at 2:41 pm

Moose (Multiple poster, first time equivocator)

Confused; agreed my cousin did that for two years and he hated the unemployed thing, but spending that time with his kids was one of the best things that ever happened to him.

06.07.11 at 12:49 pm

Plenty Pissed

Sex – Long story (I’ve rehashed it roughly 100000 times and will try and keep it brief). Met a girl last fall who had a long term relationship (2 years ago) with a friend of a friend (an acquaintance to me). I wasn’t particularly close to this guy, but we are/were in the same social circle. I hit it off with this girl and fell hard. This naturally created any manner of drama in our group, including shoving at a bar between him and I, him calling her saying he is going to kill himself, etc. I am seriously falling for this girl as the winter goes along, the sex is mind blowing and daily. But this is always hovering. One day she calls me to say she is spending the month before she starts her new (and first) job abroad with her dad who she has no relationship with and before she leaves breaks it off. That’s all well and good, but as soon as she gets back, she is right back with the ex. This was pretty devestating to me and she wonders why we can’t all be friends. I point out the obvious which confuses her. She still drunk texts me regularly and says she thinks about me all the time, misses me, but is with him, etc. Pretty much a total mind fuck whenever she wants (I know I shouldnt let it…but still). Everyone I know (friends, family) says to get over this girl, it was for the best, she is psycho, etc… but for some reason I can’t and feel like I lost.

Items of note: 1) This is the first time I have ever been broken up with so my mind is. 2) I met this girl through my friends (hometown) and she has a bad history like this with guys so I suppose I should have seen it coming. 3) Before we started dating I was dating her good girlfriend, further, i found out she goes after guys with a girl (the new boyfriend/ex was seeing someone else when she broke it off with me). 4) The aforementioned potential “daddy issues” 5) I am starting a job soon where she works.

Football – Fucking Goodell

At least the Packers won the Super Bowl

06.07.11 at 2:46 pm

Dustin Zitio's Pimp Daddy

@plenty pissed

As hard as it may be(dick joke) you have to ignore this pyscho chick as if you life depended on it or as if your new career depends on it…because it does. Chick needs help and you are not certified or qualified to give it to her. Move on, focus on your new career and meeting new people who are not pyscho.

It’s important that you move on quickly, so do whatever it takes to move on. Get some new pussy so every time you want to do the nasty you don’t think about her.

It’s going to be hard to move on since you guys will be working at the same place, but you know this chick is pyscho and has left you in the past. I’m not saying pretend like you don’t know her, but there has to be a line which you can’t cross because you have been burned in the past. Don’t be stupid and do something dumb like becoming her lunch buddy/happy hour buddy/boyfriend because she has already exposed herself as a crazy chick with daddy issuses, so if you fall for her again it’s your fault…..like GWB said..”fool me once, shame on you..Fool me, you can’t get fooled again.” Heed these words of wisdom my confused internet friend and don’t get fooled again. Besides there is so much putang out there it doesn’t make any good sense to get all silly about one girl, who happens to be a pyscho, btw.

Having a significant other in med school sucks. I met my now-wife before she got in to school and realized that if I didn’t marry her before she started, we’d never make it through. It can make you feel neglected, abused, and shat-upon overall. It’s also a fucking long road. However, despite the fact that you won’t be the priority until she’s done, I think it’s worth sticking it out.

Counter point… You don’t want kids and she does? Doesn’t matter what else is going on. That’s a deal breaker.