The 7 Deadly Signs of a Dysfunctional Relationship

How to recognize the signs of a rotten relationship—before it’s too late.

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Relationship hell is the worst, right? For anyone who’s been there—and I know I’m not alone—there’s nothing more heartbreaking than the sickening feeling of something warm growing cold, something sweet going sour, something compassionate turning contemptuous, something supportive becoming destructive, and your source of love and healing becoming the cause of toxic damage. Suddenly, what seemed to be working so well is not, like the shiny car you drive off the dealer’s lot that collapses down the road in a heap of broken parts. “But I was just in heaven,” you say. “How did I get to this infernal place?”

You know, that feeling of, “Oh my God, I’m so lucky. I’ve actually found the perfect partner who loves everything about me—and thinks I have no faults at all!”

Some relationships are troubled from the start—and we know it. But the deeply dysfunctional ones, the ones we get subtly and unwittingly enmeshed in that have the potential to shatter our lives, tend to start off smoothly and are often dreamy at the beginning. You know, that feeling of, “Oh my God, I’m so lucky. I’ve actually found the perfect partner who loves everything about me—and thinks I have no faults at all!” When this happens, watch out. You’re so head-over-heels in love that you may fail to see the warning signs—some small like a pebble in your shoe that you dismiss as minor, some glaring like giant red flags flapping in the wind that you blissfully ignore—that you’re strapping yourself into a demonic roller coaster for a life-threatening ride.

The up stretch of the roller coaster feels great, and then … whoa! … the bottom drops out and you’re in free fall. There’s screaming all right, but it’s not from excitement. It’s the angry shrieks of you and your partner fighting with the same passionate intensity you brought to your romance. After a while, the ups and downs become so tortuous and harrowing that all you want is a slow, straight, comfortable journey. All you crave … is peace.

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Here are my seven deadly signs of dysfunction—drawn from experience—that set in fairly quickly after the honeymoon is over. Dysfunctional relationships have the distressing tendency to grow more and more difficult to escape as they progress, and we adopt and ultimately become invested in maintaining increasingly unhealthy coping mechanisms to survive. Recognizing these seven signs when they start happening can save you from worlds of hurt and help you make an early exit from a relationship you will later regret.

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The two of you go at it like boxers in the ring, but there’s no final bell and no decision, not even a TKO.

1. Tedium: You have the same argument over and over again and never resolve it. This is perhaps the most obvious sign that something is wrong. Communication stops working. Agreement on almost anything becomes impossible. You each have different versions of reality, and they collide with the force of a supersonic jet smashing into a nuclear-powered forcefield. Things you did two weeks or two months or even two years ago get endlessly rehashed—from failing to take the garbage out if you live together to not remembering the first anniversary of your second date. And there’s no end to it. The two of you go at it like boxers in the ring, but there’s no final bell and no decision, not even a TKO. You just keep socking away at each other until one of you falls to the mat with no more strength to stand.

Dysfunctional partners avoid accountability like the plague. They twist and turn situations around, revise the narrative, edit out what doesn’t serve them, and even gaslight you.

2. Blame: Everything is always your fault. And I mean everything. Dysfunctional partners avoid accountability like the plague. They twist and turn situations around, revise the narrative, edit out what doesn’t serve them, and even gaslight you to make their unhappiness not only your fault but also your responsibility to fix. Unhappy childhood? You have to replace the love they didn’t get. Weak father or mother? You have to become the dragon slayer who rights all the wrongs—real or imagined—that have ever been done to them. Anger management issues? You just need to stop making your partner so upset—which means you have to stop drawing boundaries, speaking truth, expressing your feelings, and being yourself.

Forgot to make the morning coffee, or you were just too tired? You’re screwed. Made a date with a friend but didn’t put it on the calendar? You’re an insensitive bastard or bitch.

3. Guilt: You’re constantly apologizing, even for things you didn’t do. Keeping the peace requires you to suck it up—every single time. It becomes a joke, the way you take the fall for everything, but it’s not funny, and you begin to feel worthless and ashamed. Your partner’s angry reactions become justified, and the increasingly unreasonable demands become givens, with any resistance viewed as disloyalty and cause for character assassination. Forgot to make the morning coffee, or you were just too tired? You’re screwed. Made a date with a friend but didn’t put it on the calendar? You’re an insensitive bastard or bitch. Talked on the phone to the family member your partner hates? You’re in for a rough night. The words “I’m sorry” escape your lips so many times that you start your sentences with them, even when you know in your heart you haven’t done anything wrong.

You try to relax … but you’re living in constant, anxious terror of the next confrontation, and what’s worse, you have no idea what’s going to light the fuse of that bomb.

4. Tension: When things are good, you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. My therapist used to encourage me to use the calm times to address the stuff that happened when things were crazy. I was always reluctant, because I wanted to enjoy the calm times and avoid starting a fight. The thing is, you can never truly enjoy the good periods when you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, because these often infrequent bright spots are inevitably darkened by fear of the bleakness and blackness you know is coming—no matter what you do to prevent it. You try to relax when you’re not fighting, on a day when everything seems to go right, or during a conflict-free stretch of time accomplished by your sacrificing every principle, squashing your ego into a tight little ball, and stifling every instinct to scream, but you’re living in constant, anxious terror of the next confrontation, and what’s worse, you have no idea what’s going to light the fuse of that bomb.

You live on the edge, and you’re constantly monitoring your every move, your every word, your tone of voice … to ensure a welcoming reception.

5. Uncertainty: You never know who’s going to be there when you get home. One night, your partner is sweet, kind, and forgiving. The next, you can do no right. From the moment you walk in the door, the ogre is determined to make you feel like crap about yourself, chop you up in little pieces, serve you up for stew, then spit you out with disgust. You live on the edge, and you’re constantly monitoring your every move, your every word, your tone of voice, as well as taking preventive measures—sometimes involving extreme humbling, unwise spending, or both—to ensure a welcoming reception. You leave work undone and come home early. You spend half your paycheck on a piece of jewelry. Or you cook a favorite dinner, hoping all the plates and glasses won’t get smashed. Whatever you do, it’s a crapshoot, with even odds you’ll have the best sex of your life or wish you were living in a quiet monastery or convent as far away as possible from your partner.

Making decisions together is so hard because rationality gets thrown out the window. Your partner’s agenda flows from ego, insecurity, past hurts, and unhealthy needs.

6. Frustration: Getting even the simplest things done is hugely complicated. Despite your best efforts, you’re always butting heads and can’t work with your partner as a team. If you try to lead, you’re attacked. If you try to follow, you’re never doing enough of the scutwork. Making decisions together is so hard because rationality gets thrown out the window. Your partner’s agenda flows from ego, insecurity, past hurts, and unhealthy needs, while you’re a) trying to be practical, b) getting mocked for your suggestions, c) being told you suck at decision-making, and d) all of the above. What’s even worse is that you eventually give up on trying to make things happen with your partner and a) assume the burden yourself, b) invent unhealthy workarounds to get things done, c) fill with resentment over everything falling on your shoulders, or d) all of the above.

Never mind that you had happy, fulfilling friendships and relationships before this one. Your partner has already told you what was wrong with those friends and former lovers and probably tried to cut them all out of your life.

7. Hopelessness: You feel like there’s a dark cloud over your life that won’t go away—a permanent weather system that obscures the sun. This is the saddest feeling of all. You lose your optimism, your light, the spark that keeps you going. You feel oppressed, and even though you want to get out, you convince yourself that you can’t, that this is your fate, your lot in life, that you’re just meant to suffer. You start to drink the Koolaid that your partner is serving, the stuff about how you really were a pretty lousy person before you got together, and you’re being trained now in how to make someone happy. Never mind that you had happy, fulfilling friendships and relationships before this one. Your partner has already told you what was wrong with those friends and former lovers and probably tried to cut them all out of your life. Your mission—and there’s no choice but to accept it—is to sacrifice yourself to make a miserable person occasionally happy, to stand with your finger in the dyke until it rots from gangrene and falls off, to bear the unbearable, to sustain the unsustainable, and best of all—to like it, to enjoy it, to be grateful for the opportunity to be with such a demanding person who gives you so little in return.

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Does any of this strike a chord? Do any of these examples resonate? If the answer is yes, you’ve gotten yourself into a seriously dangerous situation that threatens your emotional security and leaves you vulnerable to leading a life of co-dependent enslavement. If any or all of these things are happening in your relationship, go get some help. Read some books about co-dependency, emotional abuse, and the types of mental health conditions—particularly narcissistic and borderline personality disorder—that enable dysfunctional relationships to thrive. Equally important, start believing in yourself, in what your heart tells you is right, healthy, and true. And don’t worry about betraying your partner or letting your partner down by telling someone—a friend, family member, or professional—what you’re experiencing. Most of all, take the following words to heart. Write them down or type them up and put them somewhere you will see them every day.

“Getting out is not giving up on someone when staying is giving up on yourself.”

My marriage has been toxic almost from th beginning and we’ve been married 8 together 13. I recently learned that I have a physiological condition that prevents me from handling stress properly. I blow up disproportionately over things that others would see as minor challenge. My wife now has a no contact order in place and there is no way for me to share how much I’ve learned and how truly deeply regretful I am. I’ve sought help for years from counselors and even psychiatrist and all failed to diagnose. With the order in place I sought help from a… Read more »

With all sincerity, a good place to start might be with a licensed therapist. The root cause of our adult relationship issues goes back to childhood family dysfunction. Those of us who grew up in unhealthy home environments usually pick unhealthy partners because, sadly, we’re most comfortable when we’re fulfilling a comfortable and familiar role. The attraction doesn’t go away, but we learn from our mistakes and begin to recognize the patterns with practice. Hang in there, you’re not alone. You deserve to be appreciated for who you are, exactly as you are–flaws and all! There is a light at… Read more »

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aditya

6 months 15 days ago

I just got dumped by gf of four year yesterday. what’s really amazing at the end of our last conversation,it is the first time i standup for my own opinion and then she said that “you really are a tough person to deal” ,i mean come on,it is the first time i say NO in our relationship. Somehow it feels liberating when i said that “no” words. Weird..

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susy zelaya

10 months 26 days ago

I felt like his “glamorous” grown daughters were in bed with us and he withheld sex as well as saying unkind things about my friends I felt worthless he used our house as a bathroom and hotel for his daughters to meet up with him they would not call before invading our space and begged money from him while I payed all the house bills and saved our money he wouldn’t work on the house or vehicles and trashed them and refused to honor his promise to not drink and drive, I quit, I loaded up my car, sold my… Read more »

I went through this with family members who have Borderline Personality Disorder. The only thing that works with crazy family members or exes is no contact. I had to block people and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes you win by walking away.

I’d like to find out more? I’d want to find out some additional information.

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Joe

1 year 11 months ago

Nice article. Unfortunately, it reminds me of a horoscope. Everyone reads their own and magically starts saying “That’s me!” All the points are so general, I find it highly unlikely that anyone has never experienced at least one of them in a relationship. People have problems, they always have, that’s the nature of existence. One of the great issues of modern society is the new belief of “the individual” as preferable to “the group”. Think about ants and bees for a minute. As individual insects they are nothing. As a group, they are a force to be reckoned with. It… Read more »

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LizziLou

1 year 7 months ago

I disagree completely. This post applies completely to a past relationship with an ex who was emotionally abusive and manipulative. If someone is doing the above the relationship is toxic, and it’s not up to the person getting the brunt of this to fix everything. A relationship like this is hell! No relationship is without their issues, but even through tough times I have had in healthier relationships, none of these have applied!

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Rachel

1 year 8 months ago

I disagree, Joe. I could relate to every single point when I reflect on my relationship with my ex. Every. Single. Point. The reason isn’t because of a horoscope effect, but because it truly was a dysfunctional relationship. I couldn’t relate to ANY of them with my current relationship. Even when we’ve hit hurdles and bumps in the road, none of this applied.

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Brian

1 year 5 months ago

Rachel – Are you serious? none of these apply to your current relationship? I’m in a crappy marriage of 10 years now and to hear you say you have had problems but none of these applies give me hope. Because its hard to leave a crappy relationship when you think going to another is just going to be more (but different) problems. Is it really true…. that none of these apply to your current relationship? congradulations!

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Dory

1 year 11 months ago

Amen! There is apologies and then there is true repentance, ie, stop doing the offense that hurts the one you love and who loves you. If one is making all the apologies, it could be because they never stopped breaking their word and never starting truly loving their partner as their own.

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Gerry

6 months 28 days ago

omg spoken like a dyed in the wool narcissist *eyeroll*

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alisa

1 year 11 months ago

After ten years and two children how do I escape? Taking my kids away will make me into the bad guy.

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Leila Gary

2 years 1 month ago

I went through this for nearly 9 years and got out in 2010 but the damage remains….Still healing from all the damage 🙁 This guy had money and provided me with financial security….He reminded me repeatedly of how he ‘rescued’ me from living on Welfare with my children. Our relationship was him controlling me with guilt and shame. I had lost all my friends and was isolated. He allowed his children to use and abuse my children. We were their scapegoats. Now I am watching my oldest son being abused by the girl he is with and they are probably… Read more »

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Leah

2 years 1 month ago

Thank you so much for your insights.. all of you! . I have allowed myself to suffer for 7 years.. Today. whilst sailing. was the first time he struck me. . Previously it was all verbal abuse. .He is a classic sociopath, ticks all the boxes, plus a fully qualified shrink.. Not the best combination.. He has been struck off though by medical board for inappropriate behaviour( all everyone else’s fault of course). I fight him constantly on how he behaves, never back down but I am still there in this horrible toxic place.. I suffer from high anxiety and… Read more »

[…] Thomas G. Fiffer, Executive Editor at The Good Men Project, talks about himself and his article The 7 Deadly Signs of a Dysfunctional Relationship […]

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Jesus

2 years 6 months ago

Why is there no way or suggestion on how to save the relationship when it starts going wrong? Why is it just a sort of “count your losses” and quick? People are not disposable. It seems to me, that as true as the situations in this article are, it assumes a fatalistic view. There is no help, no hope and you must leave? Is that today’s answer to everything? Relationship are hardwork, not fairytale, why are we advising people on quitting instead of both parts getting help and try to make things work?

Jesus, I am all for trying to save relationships that can be saved, and people experiencing these dynamics can and should seek individual and marital counseling. Unfortunately, by the time a relationship manifests several or all of these signs, it is usually too late, as interaction has become toxic and damaging, and staying results in more hurt than healing.

I dated a narcissistic person for many years but where I was at emotionally played into my being there and the way things were. He’s now in therapy and dating someone else and while it’s not perfect, it definitely seems to be better. I wouldn’t characterize him as a “toxic person” – but rather someone where our defects at the time came together in a bad way, and where he was not a good match with me. Why not a next article on, how to work on yourself so that you feel you deserve a good relationship or so that… Read more »

none, I hope this article doesn’t place the blame on only one partner. Dysfunctional relationships are dances, and the book I’m working on addresses each partner’s contribution. I like the idea of an article on how to prepare yourself for a healthy relationship. Another one I wrote recently, “How to Court a Good Man,” leans in that direction.

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Jonathan

2 years 6 months ago

Yes, I agree to all of this, but what are you to do when you see your partner is internally suffering and you have a little one in the mix? I want to get help. She wants to be left alone, but simply because she does not knoe what to do. In the end, I see light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s as if she’s caught within her own limitations, be them emotionally- or neurologically-based.

Jonathan, The greatest threat to a child, in my opinion, is a psychologically unhealthy parent. I believe it behooves us to try to get our partner help, and if the help doesn’t work or isn’t well-received, we need to move on and protect our children.

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Anonymous

2 years 6 months ago

I see every one of these in my marriage. But in addition to self-health for both of us (I will always care about my spouse no matter the future… We’ve been through too much together), the huge concern is the gaggle of great young children we have. “Don’t stay in a bad relationship just for the children.” That’s a line heard often in history that was always about other relationships. “I’ll never be in that heartbreaking conundrum,” was always my view. But I am squarely in that spot today. At what point does one switch to “we can save this… Read more »

For me it is about what parents model for the children. If the dynamic they grow up in involves constant conflict, a weakened male figure, or an abused woman, children are not seeing and learning what a healthy relationship is about. Families with two parents are not necessarily intact, and families that are split are not necessarily broken.

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Ndcm

2 years 6 months ago

It was the most amazing thing to read this. I just finished a dysfunctional relationship and just saw me in many of these words. I am heartbroken, because I really wanted it to work and I tried very hard, and we hurt each other so much that we broke everything that kept us together.

Ndcm, I know the feeling you describe and am sorry you went through that. But you can come out on the other side and find happiness in a supportive and sustaining relationship.

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oaklander

2 years 6 months ago

The symptoms of psychological abuse are difficult to discern because it develops over time in direct proportion to the erosion of self-esteem, confidence and feelings of self-worth. “The first mistake you make is ignoring your intuition.” No, it’s not in your head, no you’re not over reacting, no you’re not crazy, and no you’re not ‘just so lucky to be with someone patient enough to forgive your flaws.’ If you’ve said two or more of these things – repeatedly to yourself, you’re in a relationship with someone engaging in a pattern of crazy-making behavior. The reason this looks so familiar… Read more »

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Tia

2 years 1 month ago

Yes!! You are so right about this, that “you don’t have to think about the relationship at all because it’s effortless”–I have been in relational hell for 12 years and it consumes my every waking moment. Literally. It sucks me dry daily, it is SO much effort. I say I stay because of the kids, because I have no money, no way out until I’m done college, or I stay because I love him. Yet, this foreboding darkness looms over me sucking the very life out of me. This relationship started with him telling me everything I wanted to hear… Read more »

Hi Thomas – thanks for another great piece. A lot of this really resonated with me. I’m 5 years post abusive relationship, haven’t been in a relationship since then as the all round damage was so great, but I’m working on getting my mind free. The bit that really resonated(and made me think if only I had) was watching out for the little warning signs. I wish I had listened to those little warning signs, but I couldn’t at the time and so am learning to forgive myself (mostly) and move forward.

xs, You’re welcome. And yes, once you know what those warning signs mean, you watch out for them, but the first time around, we ignore them and allow ourselves to be taken in. Self-forgiveness is crucial, and I am glad you are in a better place.

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Anonymous

2 years 6 months ago

Sorry to tell you people who are in this relationship…but the person who you are involved with is suffering in some kind of mental illness…i.e. bipolar disorder..classic

Anonymous, That’s frequently the case. My purpose in identifying these as “dysfunctional” behaviors is to bypass the diagnosis and labeling—which many people resist—and shine light for readers on the unhealthy dynamics they’re experiencing. Next steps for both partners involved in one of these relationships usually include consulting mental health professionals.

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Deborah

2 years 7 months ago

I can definitely relate to this article as both the abuser and the abused, desperately searching for love, belonging, and acceptance outside myself. Desperately looking for a loving parental type love that I did not receive from my addict parents. I can recall being curled up in the fetal position on the floor, rocking back and forth, as my boyfriend screamed at the top of his lungs. In that moment, I recognized that my fear of abandonment was stronger than my fear of being harmed by him. Fortunately, I found my way to an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting where… Read more »

Deborah, Wow. You’ve added amazing insight to what I’ve written here. The question of why we stay is key, and your answer is on target: we also have a lot of emotional growing to do. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your journey of discovery in such compelling detail.

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ozza

2 years 8 months ago

i wonder if these things are universal or more common in certain cultures, perhaps a sign of western malaise? I also wonder how many people read this and think – ‘yes that’s my partner!’ while their partner would think exactly the same of them – can these problems occur in mirror image or are they ‘induced’ by different types of weakness in the partner.

Ozza, That’s a great question. I would think some of the behavior patterns that relate to personality disorders such as borderline and narcissism are universal, but some of the way we relate to our partners is culturally conditioned and may be different in different cultures, particularly those where women are valued less and demeaned more than ours. And yes, some of the behaviors mirror and exist in both partners. The book I am working on develops the idea of the primary and secondary dysfunctional partner, meaning both partners are engaged in dysfunctional behavior, but one is more of the instigator… Read more »

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Anonymous

2 years 6 months ago

Thanks for the article! It’s weird, I both laugh and cry as a responce, now that I am free of it. My thought was that my x wthink that he was the victim. No wonder, our whole relationship was about he critisising and blaming me, and I always appologising, trying to make peace, no matter how far out and crazy his accusations were. I also sometimes lost it, when we had been out having a nice day, and on the way back home his hidden ice cold anger towards me because og things he claimed I had done socially, like… Read more »

Anonymous, You have a great perspective on it if you can laugh and cry. In retrospect, we can see how ridiculous and almost comical some of the behavior is, once we no longer have to experience the pain it causes.

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Dina Strange

2 years 8 months ago

Okay, great essay first of all but it’s missing something. Here is what its missing. Usually underneath all the issues is something. So there is a need for a partner to get to that issue and try with the help of the other to fix it. If the other refuses to fix it with you then GET OUT. With my ex boyfriend for 9 months i struggled with his flirting with other women….being selfish and narcissist, never communicating with me or even taking me out once a week for a 5 dollar sandwich. Okay…so after trying to understand whats the… Read more »

Dina, You are correct that there is always an underlying cause for the dysfunctional behavior. And it is usually something from the past that the dysfunctional partner never addressed and put to rest. Often, the non-dysfunctional partner has a similar unresolved issue or behavior pattern in his or her background, and this can be an unconscious draw in the relationship. Regardless of the cause, the symptoms of disrespectful and abusive treatment have to be stopped, and simply revealing the cause does not in and of itself modify the behavior—that takes commitment and work. The underlying issue is also best handled… Read more »

[…] my heart broke open at the overwhelming response to my post titled The 7 Deadly Signs of a Dysfunctional Relationship. I knew I had lived with these and that my descriptions were on target, but I had no idea my words […]