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DC United vs. Toronto FC Game Diary

By Jeff Maurer

Greetings, United fans! I am honored, humbled, and inconvenienced to be sworn in as your DC United fan blogger. The Post wants a fan’s perspective on the local sports teams, so it’s fallen to me to chronicle the Heart of Darkness-style descent into madness that is United’s 2010 season. Goff will still be on hand to provide the investigating, fact-checking, and reporting, and I’ll take it upon myself to supply the uninformed opinionating and snark.

For my inaugural post, I’m doing a game diary for United game against Toronto. Actually, Bill Simmons may have trademarked the phrase “game diary”, so let’s call this a “competition memoir”.

Hamid is out with a shoulder injury. Simms is a late scratch. Namoff is still retired. Pontius and Wallace have diphtheria, and Burch was hit by a spy satellite that fell out of orbit. Juan Manuel Pena retired in 2009.

Boskovic isn’t in the lineup, probably because he played in two Euro qualifiers last week. I was defending Boskovic to a friend last week, saying “the jury’s still out on him.” My friend replied: “Yeah, but right now only Henry Fonda’s voting against the death penalty.”

3’ – Graye and Morsink take turns pointing at Dwayne De Rosario as the latter dribbles through the defense and bangs a shot off the post. Every manager for every bottom-half Premiership club should be called into his boss’ office and be forced to explain why he didn’t buy Dwayne De Rosario when DeRo’s contract was up in 2008.

7’ – I had a job once where they just suddenly decided that I was the web guy. I wasn’t hired to do that, I didn’t claim that I knew how to do it…they just decided that I was the guy. People would ask me questions, and I’d say “No idea…I never claimed to be able to do this.” I think that’s how Stephen King feels whenever a chance falls to him in the box. He probably wants to say “Look, I never claimed to be anything more than a competent holding midfielder. Show me where on my resume it says ‘lethal finisher’.“

23’ – Do United maybe feel that it just isn’t gentlemanly to play the ball when the defense isn’t set?

25’ – Soccer announcers often yell a player’s name when just before a scoring chance (“Drogbaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”). They do this to create excitement. But when the name yelled is “Morsiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink!”, my excitement is…let’s say…mild.

27’ – Announcers confirm: Boskovic is being rested because he played twice for Montenegro last week.

37’ – Allsopp with a great chance, but Frei closes well and makes the save. Great chance…should’ve been finished. If history is any indicator, United will surrender a goal within a minute. And then someone will get hurt.

HALFTIME – United look okay, but can’t score. Najar has been the bright spot. Déjà vu.

47’ – NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Najar forces his way through the defense and lays it off for Quaranta, but Tino somehow puts it wide of an empty net. This is why the Post needs a blog: As a journalist, Goff isn’t able to say “plays like that make me want to gouge my eyes out with a tuna can lid so that I never have to watch this horrible team again.”

49’ – Announcers point out that United is about to set the record for longest scoring drought in MLS this season. You mean we don’t already hold that record?

58’ – Nice work from Hernandez creates a chance for Allsopp, but the Australian puts it over the bar. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, oy veh, oy veh, oy veh.

71’ – Boskovic in for Hernandez. Ben obviously likes Najar as a striker – he’s used him up top a couple of times.

81’ – GOAL UNITED!!!! Toronto commits a stupid foul in the corner, Boskovic sends in the free kick, and after the ball bounces around for a while, James puts it home.I’ll take it! A deserved goal. This goes in the category of “if you have the ball in your opponent’s third long enough, something good will eventually happen.”

84’ – Toronto fans are singing We’re Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister. Nice. With a 1-0 lead, my recommendation for United fans would be The Talking Heads’ Once in a Lifetime (“how did I get here?”).

89’ – Talley for Najar. Ben is trying to lock this one down. Either that, or he decided there’s too much youth and speed in the lineup.

FULL TIME – 1-0 win for United! Good win, deserved win. We had more of the ball and the better looks at goal. Props to King and Morsink: they did a lot of work and kept the ball well. Najar was excellent. James was solid. United now undefeated since the launch of the fan blog – clearly, I was the missing ingredient.

re: "Hamid is out with a shoulder injury. Simms is a late scratch. Namoff is still retired. Pontius and Wallace have diphtheria, and Burch was hit by a spy satellite that fell out of orbit. Juan Manuel Pena retired in 2009."

Do some player ratings! It's the one thing Goff gave up that were usually pretty nice to have.

As far as Santino. Glasses! Each day I am more convinced that this team is the real life version of the Indians in Major League so it only makes sense that Wild Thing just needs some ugly specs to become the top scorer in MLS. No human, donkey, rabbit, pet rock could have missed that shot with halfway decent eyesight.

Hey Grillmaster sorry to blow your bubble but that wasn't the Barra representing, unless the Obseity represents all of the Barra (which maybe he does given his girth)! There are other clubs that provide just as much support. That's who you saw.

@b18bolo: I double-checked, and I got it right: it was Talley for Najar, Boskovic for Hernandez. Thanks for the fact-check, though; I'm bound to make egregious errors in the future and could benefit from a second pair of eyes.

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