Gentrification at its pretentious best.

FASHION: Future Trends Of Hair

In the fast-paced fashion world even the coolest elite have so much trouble keeping up that they barely know what’s ‘in’ or ‘out’ at any given time. As part of our ‘Future Trends’ series, we’ve convened a group of ‘fashion futurists’ to assess the current direction and then predict the headstyles™ of the future…

IS THIS SOY?

Yes. There’s still fuckwits in the future, but you’ll know how to spot them pretty easily: straight bangs, edgy colours. If you’ve got a keen ear, you’ll also be able to hear their distinctive and repetitive drone with familiar sayings like, ‘it’s so meta’ and ‘I’ve just found a cool new space to do my art’. Think straight lines and a jagged attitude … with a severe intolerance to most food, and large groups of other humans.

THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR ALBUM LAUNCH

With unemployment predicted to rise rapidly in the future as our social systems collapse, people will turn to music for escapism. Similar to how it happens now, but with a lot more soft crying and hunger. This ‘old cock rock’ style is timeless and although people will spend more time ‘perfecting the mess’, as they say in the biz, heroin chic will become a lot more prevalent throughout society. The art of cool will be down to a fine art. Think leather, cigarettes, whiskey, a guitar and an attitude that screams ‘once I’m high, I’m going to tear this place apart … then probably sleep with your girlfriend.’

WHERE ARE YOU CAMPING AT BURNING MAN?

After President Trump annihilates a good portion of the planet with America’s hefty nuclear arsenal, places like Black Rock Desert in Nevada will become some of the only safe refuges for a dying human species. But why not have some fun with it, you know? This style is primal, it’s free and it is reconnected. It’s so white and PC that it says ‘I’m going to make up my OWN culture to appropriate’. You’ll need a full salon and moustache wax, so bring some batteries for the hair clippers because there’s no electricity where you’re going … the power comes from within. ROAR!

THE BELL END

Eventually we will have milked every last drop of meaning from the word ‘irony’, and life and fashion cross the threshold of parody and become an infinite loop that forever repeat. In an attempt to turn fashion on its head, that is when this happens. It says so much about us. It’s the nuclear mushroom cloud that represents the final days in the glorious apocalypse as foretold by Noncestradamus, but it also represents us, and fashion, in the way that it makes us simply look like the absolute peens that we are.

Right here, at the end of all things, we hold a mirror up to ourselves and say, ‘Wow. We’re actually fuckwits’.