A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

We are back. Still on holidays but thankfully I had the use of a TV with pause and rewind capabilities, which came in especially handy halfway through when my 9-year-son ran out of the room projectile vomiting. We're pretty sure it was either something he ate or a nasty bug, but there's a case to be made that it was the show that got to him.

We started off in Paradise with people complaining about Elise's actions last week, when she offered the rose to the love of her life, Dylan, who in turn refused it leading her to make a rambling speech before giving the flower to Creepy Chris. So AshLee says this week, "If she wanted Chris, she should have just given the rose to Chris." And I was like, "What?" She wanted Dylan. Dylan didn't want her. And she did end up giving the rose to Chris. Sometimes I wonder is it me or is it them?

Elise did, though, make a quick recovery. Now she sees Creepy Chris as her "rainbow" after last week's storm. As in you can never reach him?

Meanwhile, Crazy Michelle 2.0 was thinking future with Marquel, which is Crazy Michelle code for more national TV exposure.

The usual comings and goings continued. Beautiful Danielle, from Juan Pablo's season, was the first to arrive. She didn't have much of a presence in that season and it's a shame given what we saw this week. She has a class, sense of humour, and beauty that reminded me of Classy Sharleen. They look nothing alike but their temperaments are similar. I don't think her race has ever been mentioned but I'd say she's part African-American. But she's very light-skinned and blonde so I could be wrong.

As per show rules, she arrived with a date card in tow. Crazy Michelle 2.0 feigned openness, saying she could give the date card to anyone, just as long as it wasn't Marquel. She was wearing that freaky Ruth Buzzi forehead thing again. So Danielle picked Marquel, who she admitted having a bit of a crush on already. He gladly accepted. Crazy Michelle 2.0 felt alone and unprotected. "I just can't believe this is happening again," she cried. "I thought this would work."

So her heart reached out to Robert, her best chance to keep her around another week. Such a loving person. But Robert, you'll recall, had a thing going with Sarah.

Then Elise got another date card when AshLee and Graham still hadn't received one. The unfairness of it all! Elise walked over to where Creepy Chris was lounging on a porch. At the sight of her, he yelled, "Yes!" Not because he was glad to see her or anything like that; he just knew she was there to give him the date card.

Then he sprained his knee. At least in this scene they made it seem like he sprained it just getting up. Later on, he told someone he sprained it in the ocean. I guess that will remain one of life's great mysteries.

But let's catch up with Marquel and Danielle on their date to a hacienda, where Marquel inexplicably moonwalked. After his little dance move, they sat down and talked. He asked her why she chose him and she told him honestly, "I was hoping you'd be here." Instead of being freaked out, he said he was flattered. As he should be. She didn't say it in a weird way. She knew it was kind of strange and that was endearing.

Then lightning struck. Literally. About five feet from Marquel. He got the hell out of there. You know Clare would have seen it as sign that this was a once-in-a-lifetime relationship. Not Marquel.

Crazy Michelle 2.0 wanted to make it up to Robert. She's so full of it. How can they not all see right through her? For one thing, Robert is so not her type. I think he knows that, too. As crazy and shallow as she is, she's out of his league. She doesn't go for boys like him. She goes for men.

Clare brainstorms an idea: She and Crazy Michelle 2.0 will take Zack and Robert on an unsanctioned double-date. Michelle is so confident in her womanly powers, she tells Sarah, who wonders, "What the hell's happening?" She said she wants to pursue Robert, but doesn't. All night she sits moping about her lack of confidence, leaving Robert by himself to be swept up by Crazy Michelle 2.0's wiles.

On her date with Creepy Chris, Elise tells him, "You will be blessed for being so sweet with me." And Creepy Chris, right on cue, is ready to get "down and dirty" with her.

For some strange reason, the couple is given a card with the keys to their respective rooms. Signed by the host Chris Harrison, of course. No option for forsaking these individual keys for a chance to shag in a private room. So what's the point?

Still, Elise likes it. She was thrilled just seeing the names Chris and Elise on the envelope because they "look so good together." Do they? They look like a couple of names to me. Now, Marquel and Danielle? Those names look – and sound! – fantastic together.

Elise had the line of the night: "Chris is truly a gentleman," she said with a complete straight face. Meanwhile, Chris thought he could "make it happen" once he got "her behind closed doors."

The surprise unsanctioned double-date went off with no hitches, thanks to moping Sarah. She felt like a "fifth wheel." As she was sulking, Crazy Michelle 2.0 was telling Robert a tall tale about how it's all him all the way and she really was there to find the one. Then she said something about the previous rose ceremony where she was waiting for Sarah to choose him. But that's wrong. At least the way it was presented. Crazy Michelle 2.0 actually chose Marquel fourth overall, well ahead of Sarah. If she were really that into Robert, she could have chosen him first.

See, that's why Sarah is awestruck around her. She said, "Michelle is beautiful and confident and all the things I am not." Also a liar. But, boy, does she lie with confidence!

When Marquel and Danielle walk in after their date, Crazy Michelle 2.0 says she's over it but her face tells a very different story.

Then another new arrival shows up. A silhouette. Which just showed that the producers need to invest in some lights. It was Jackie, who was on Sean's season, but we had to take their word for it because we couldn't see a thing. Not even an outline of that "smoking hot body," according to Crazy Michelle 2.0, who showed later her own smoking hot body is nothing to be sniffed at.

Zack said he was hoping Jackie would be there, setting up some drama that didn't arrive. Not this week, anyway, although maybe it's the reason Clueless Clare runs into the Mexican jungle next week. (It was her, right?)

With her date card, Jackie asked who was coupled up? They told her just pick someone and not to worry about it. So she surveyed the gang and noticed Marquel sitting all by his lonesome. Fresh off his date with Danielle, he accepts another date, this time with Jackie.

Crazy Michelle 2.0 said, "It's becoming clear that Marquel is open to every possibility. I mean, every possibility." Not every possibility, Michelle. Not drinking too much, for example. (cough, cough)

AshLee, who's always been a bit unstable, has started talking to Graham about meeting her father already. Graham, being a dude, is feeling a bit rushed considering they haven't even been on a date yet.

Presto! Date card for AshLee! You'll never guess who she asked!

Marcuszzz also had a great line this episode: "I'm not interested in any of the girls so I'm focussing on Lacy." Oh, you charmer!

Crow alert! Crow alert! Foreboding coming:

Marquel thought his chemistry with Jackie was "amazing." Their date was a "perfect storm" of location and woman. He said it's the best date he's ever been on. Poor Danielle. Then, to rub salt in Danielle's wounds, he tells Jackie he doesn't kiss on the first date. This is a man with morals! Risking his future with the smoking hot body. But it turns out that Jackie doesn't kiss on the first date, either! Kismet! They're so enthralled with their standards, they kiss. It's a real doozy, too.

We're not sure what dirty deeds happened on Creepy Chris' date, but Elise said "magical" is a perfect word to describe it. We know how it ended, though: With a trip to emergency. Turns out the Creepy one has a partially torn meniscus and a sprained ACL and something else. He left in a full-length air cast. And Elise was in heaven. It was her chance to go into full caretaker mode. "This is my man now forever," she said. Or at least until he dumps her. In which case she'll have to find another new man three days later.

Sarah discovered some newfound confidence, but not in aid of her own relationship. Rather it was to warn Elise about her judgment. (And did anyone notice that as she was sitting there imparting her worldly wisdom to Elise, Robert had his arm around her. Perhaps that was the genesis of her confidence.)

Outside, Zack very thoughtfully asked Clare about her dad. It was the eve of the tenth anniversary of his death and he meant so much to her. Just then a giant turtle (tortoise, perhaps?) ambled onto the beach. Not just any turtle, though. It was a "sign from heaven" that Clare's dad was with her. What did I tell you?!

At dinner on their date, AshLee went into full stalker mode, reminding Graham how she follows him on Instagram and that her "heart was set" on him being there, which elicited some nice eye-rolls from Graham. He then talked about how great Paradise had been, with the lone exception of AshLee's "breakdown." Oh, they laughed at that! Ash, proving she's still young, hip and relevant, said, "Hashtag: Embarrassing!" Yes, she said the word "hashtag."

Graham told her he wasn't into forever now. Then the card with the two keys arrived. Graham was relieved. "Dos, huh? Nice!" he said. He thought it was "pretty appropriate" that they not spend the night together. Good move. AshLee was already thinking offspring: "I don't like to rush things or force things, but we would have hot babies." Really? Babies can be "hot"? Okay.

After avoiding her as long as he could, Robert finally approached Crazy Michelle 2.0. He said he didn't want to talk about the rose situation. But Michelle did, and she told him so. Then proceeded to talk about it.

The ceremony went as planned except for the fake nonsense at the end. Chris Harrison came out and instructed the men to offer a rose to the person they want to be in a relationship with. Read that last sentence again. Done? Good. Now we'll continue. Here's how it went down:

Graham, against his better judgment, gave his rose to AshLee

Zack could have given his to Jackie but went with Clare

Marcuszzz didn't like any of the women so he gave his to Lacy

Marquel's morals went with Jackie

Robert shunned Crazy Michelle 2.0 and gave his rose to Sarah, as CM2 cried

Chris called Elise up and gave her a speech saying he couldn't offer it to her because he was going home, but he wanted her to go with him. She accepted.

That left Danielle and Crazy Michelle 2.0 out in the cold. But stop the presses! Instead of giving Elise the rose, which I believe he could have done even though they both left, he decided to give the rose to "one person who deserves true love." And that would be Crazy Michelle 2.0. A nice gesture from one Creepy person to a Crazy person, for sure, but it should have been disallowed. Remember that sentence above? Harrison instructed them to give the rose to someone they want to be in a relationship with. Okay, it's completely plausible Creepy Chris wants to be in a down-and-dirty relationship with Crazy Michelle 2.0, but it's not in the spirit of the competition since he was leaving with Elise. Of course, it was probably all a plan by the producers who either have some big crush on her, thinking wrongly that she's ratings gold, or she has a mindmeld on them. And then they followed it up with a cheesy montage of the three days Creepy Chris and Elise have known each other.

Also totally not fair to Danielle! Bring back Danielle! So much for Marquel. As Danielle said in the limo ride, pulling her curly locks over her face, it was more like, "Marc Hell."

Next week, two episodes. Why?!

Oh yeah, follow me on Twitter @BachelorBlogger. Tell your friends. Wake the kids. Speaking of Twitter, I saw some tweets calling for dull Sarah to be the Bachelorette soon. Forget that noise. Bring back Danielle!