Friday, May 4, 2012

Good evening.

Today's the first day I've felt almost entirely myself. At least physically speaking. I've got some pain but it's more of a nuisance now than anything else.

I admit my mood hasn't really changed for the better yet. I'm feeling unsure of myself which makes me unsure of the people in my life which makes me feel bad about that on top of everything else. I feel this sudden resolve to just get used to being alone because a bunch of people I'm used to being able to see are moving or leaving or whatnot and it's complicated with the people I do get to see on a normal basis.

I dunno. I think it's just been a rough week and I haven't crawled out of the funk yet.
I'm working on it. But even when trying to go out and do something I really wanted to do, I got unnaturally upset when it didn't work out the way I'd hoped it would with the people I'd hoped it would.

I ended up getting dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a while and having a good long friends talk that really helped me out, but 20 minutes after I was back in the door I kinda just felt sucky again.

I don't want my best friend to move to Seattle, a. I'm afraid that her leaving will mean that some other people I mostly hang out with because of her will drop off too. Then another of my friends is off to CO, and I've been trying to extricate myself from the jaws of what is probably a really unhealthy friendship and I'm starting to wonder what's left. I reconnected with a friend who's been out of the country and that was pretty cool, but she's about to go back to Africa.

*shrug*

I do ok with alone time, sometimes i crave it. But...I dunno. I just hate knowing i won't have a choice soon.

I hate being stranded too. Can't just pick up and go to Target or Walgreens to grab something. Everything's a production, everything is begging off someone else.

I got good news today, but there's so much other shit attached to it I don't even feel it.
I just need...something
I don't know.

I want to get rid of it for a night. I want to feel safe with someone and loved. I want to escape into something good.
And I'm going to stop writing for now.