from the age of 5 till about 18 i was mentally abuse and physically by my parents and step dad.
i was also bullied at school during that time.
my parents split when i was 10 due 2 my mum wanting 2 b with my step dad.
the only person in my whole family who never hurt me and i believed loved me (my grandad) died becasue he found out the truth about my mum and but she believes it not her fault and belames me.
my step dad tried to kill me last july.
i had 2 run away home from and quit me job.
my ex's all hurt and cheating on me, and my last one tried to rape me.
i lost all my friends as no one believed me as him and me had the same mates.
i got exams in 2 months time and the teacher wont help me, because they dont turn up at college half the time and taking away last week my learning surpport. so i guess i fail.
my current boyfriend wants to c me only when he wants me to give him money or the usual thing blokes want.
he is a nice bloke besides that.
but at times all i do is upset him because i guess i am scared to let some 1 get close to me.
i trust him.
but just dont want take the chance of being hurt again.
i have asked my doctors for help, councellor and tutor at college for help as i have a problem with inter reacting with people.
but they dont want to help me.
i am being sexually harrased at work by half the blokes.
i cant quit because it took me 5months to get a new job due to my mother hurting me.

so basically i feel like no body likes me,
people either wanta hurt me or just use me.
my parents and step dad want me dead.
no longer have any friends because of my ex.
my boyfriend really cares about me,
but i know will dump me if he found every thing that happen to me
because he all i got, and that make me look stupid.
i going to fail my exams.

basically i just full of bad luck.

so basically i am not ment to be happy, because i am some stupid loser,
well that is how i feel.
i just up crying most nites or have nitemares so i cant relax.
so i have problems sleeping.

First of all don't blame yourself, people find it easier putting the blame on others because they cant admit it was their fault.
Your Doctor is bound by a code of conduct to help you both mentally and physically. If he cant help you out the least he could do is put you in contact with someone who can help you a bit better, or has more of an understanding of these problems.
It is beacause all your problems seem to keep themselves fresh in your mind that you cant relax your mind wont let you. You need to talk to an expert counsellor. They are friendly and keep things confidential. The more you talk about your past the better. It will feel like a weight off your mind. It can take time but we are always her to help as best as we can. Hope this helps.

At some point in our lives, just about everyone feels this way, it just seems that problems come one after the other. Apart from going back to your doctors and asking for help, you need to put things into perspective. You need to sort out one problem at a time as trying to do them all at once doesn't work.

Firstly, you need to set your mind on something like passing your exams at college, once you have done that, you can move on to another problem. Then, you need to remind yourself that what has happened in the past is the past, unfortunatly it can't be changed but you can move on from that to the future.

I know that that is easier said than done, believe me, I have things that I still dwell on but the more you look to the future, the easier things become.

Mental and physical abuse are both very hard things to overcome but, look how far you have come already.....you've come on here to ask for advice, that is the first major step that you need to take. It helps that you don't actually have to sit face to face with us and pour your heart out so, maybe if you posted how you feel about some of your problems, we could help you to overcome those feelings. You'd be surprised at the feedback you get when you post all of the nitty gritty stuff.

As for your boyfriend, if he's not going to be supportive towards you when it involves your past, he isn't worth being with. Have you tried talking to him about your feelings? It sounds like you're just being very cautious with him but he might be interpriting it in the wrong way.

If you have trouble sleeping, you should write everything thats bothering you down on some paper, leave it next to your bed and think to yourself that you will deal with it in the morning as you can't do anything about it tonight. You'll probably find that when you're getting more sleep, you'll be able to deal with things easier. As for actually getting to sleep, you should try deep breathing, as you are doing it, concentrate on listening to the sound of your breath coming in and going out. When you breeth deeply, it actually tricks your mind into thinking that you are calm.....honest.

Hope this is of some use to you, remember that there is always someone here who will listen and try to give advice, let us know how it goes, take care,

may be you are rite,
my boyfriend probably didn't understand when i chatted with him,
as he tells me that i need time to sort my self out, problem is that usually means i dont see him for a week or 2 and he usually thinks that is ment to help me.

this may sound stupid.
but i am so scared what may happen if i tell him,
well he d only person who cares about me.
my family want me dead,
i have recently lost all my friends, due to my parents and my last ex
i am scared what he think.
he knows i have had a hard time.
so i dont know what to do.

i feel so alone inside any way.

i try that breathing tip.

i saw my councellor last friday and now she dont want to help me so i am finding it harder.

all she asks me is how are ur cuts
( ashurt my self b 4 i ran away from home as a last resort hoping my family would stop hurting me not that worked they just laughted)
and how hard is not 2 have parents care about me.
also am i still having thoughs horrible nightmares.

i have the same dream each week where my step dad is about 2 push me down the stairs at their home while my mum tells him to punch me. he starts shouting that he will bash me against all 4 walls, celling and floor.

i think this is because that always happen to me, usually i managed to get down the stairs quick enough in real life.
but in my dreams they always hurt me again and again.

i feel trapped like i did when i was living with them.

i just got told by my councellor that the stairs mean a level of difference.

but to me it just means being hurt like i use to be.

i try my hardest to be nice to every one,
i never want to hurt any body,
i dont even want kids incase i ever end up up like my parents or step dad.

i just feel every body hates me,
that every one wants to hurt me and i cant do any thing about it.
i feel trapped inside liked i did when i was being hurt by my parents and step dad.
it sounds so stupid becuse i ran away,
i dont know what is wrong with me,

be fore i could igore how i feel and push it all to the back of my mind,
well i had to all my life,
now i cant,
not sure if that makes sense to you,
i cant control have i feel,
or my emoitions.

you probably think i am a sad loser as it is.
so i give up.
i dont know what to really do.
no body cares.l

You're not sad and if people didn't care, would we be on here trying to help you? It seems as though you have got in too deep with your problems and you can't pull yourself back out again.

It's likely that these people who are trying to help you don't know how to, remember that you need to tell them how you are feeling and not hide things from them. Also, people may be trying to help you but you are not noticing.

You need to explain things to your boyfriend but also explain that you are not going to rely on him, you just need his support. Try to think about things more positively, its all in the mind. If you think you're in a good mood, you will be in one, if you think that people are trying to help you, you will see that they are no matter how subtle their ways are.

The best thing to do is to look at the bigger picture in situations like this. As for the dreams, you should keep talking to your counciller about them, they are all about underlying fears and things that you don't want to talk about when you are awake. Although things may be painfull to talk about at first, they need to be out in the open for you to start re-building your life again.

i know how you feel.
i have been through well simular problems to you.

if your councellor is not helping you, i tink the best thing to do is try and find one that deals better at wanting to help people, try asking your doctor.

your boyfreind may not understand at the moment what has happen to you, it may also come as a shock to tell im every thing at once,
as he may not no how to respond to what happen to you during your life.

try talking to him. clamly. abputs this

i understand you have been through a lot, it not always easy to get other every thing at once so dont try to.

first try to deal with the issue that effects you the most then deal with the smaller issues.
this shall take time.

Ok, when you tell him, try to stay calm as getting worked up over it isn't going to help. Explain why you wanted to tell him also explaining that all you really wanted from him was support. After you have told him, you might find that he needs some time to think, this does not mean he wants to break up, it's quite a lot to deal with. Try to stay as calm as possible and let him have all the time he needs to think it over. You'll be fine hun, don't worry about it, the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll feel better,

i try and tell him.
i will tell given time.
do you think i sure tell him every thing though.

i mean besides what i told you so far, well i was hurt by dad.

after my dad laughted down the phone to one of his mates after putting his hands aroung my neck and i couldn't breath, he said he hurt my chest and laughted.
so if havent guess yet none of my family love me.

i mean if i tell him every thing he no how weak i have become.
i tried hard for him not to know that.

i dont want this to put him off me.
all my ex's have cheated on me.
i trust him, he wont hurt me like the others.
they use to beat me and one almost raped me.
he makes me so happy and i feel so safe near him.
i just feel so ashamed.
of my self.
i am even starting to fell i dont desverse( how ever u spell it) him now because all of what has happen.

he use to being with some one, well i dont no how to put it.
some one who not had my kind of bad luck.
i cant even tell him how i feel at times.
i mean i just wanta be normal.
he always looks so happy,
he has d opposite kind of life to me.
he has a loving family, friends.
he always seams so happy and dont have any problems.
i love him so much but i feel so embrassed now,
because of my life,
whats happen to me.

You should never feel embarassed by whats happened in the past. He may have a loving family but i bet he has had runs in with them too. Have you asked yourself why is he with you? People chose each other because they want to. The expression opposites attract comes to mind.
At the minute you seem to suffer from what is called the hedgehogs dilemma. They cant get too close because they hurt each other and beacuse they have been hurt are reluctant to let them close. You need to talk more to him and he needs to understand how you feel. Dont bottle it all up.

how can i tell him my family hurt me in all different ways, they want me dead, not only did all my ex's hurt me, cheat on me and one also most rape me, i nolonger have any friends.

it sounds so perfetic (how ever u spell it)

i am 2 ashamed and now i hate my self even more.
i give up.

i though about hurting my self again.
but i can't,
i think how even more discusted (how ever u spell it) he think if i did that.
so i can't even do that.

i have changed my doctor and soon be changing my councellor as they didn't wanta help.
i guess that sorta a good thing.

i keep thinking he just going to hate me if i tell him,
every body usually hates me.
i don't no how i cope just yet if does end up hating me.
ok i admit it i am scared of it.
i don't have any body that cares but him.
and i love him.
i feel so alone as it is.

First of all dont be ashamed. It's good that you have changed doctor/councillor. Dont hurt yourself because your BF will wonder what the marks/bruises are.
If you cant tell your BF you need to tell someone. If you bottle it all up you are going to break down. Think of how much "weight" you have on your shoulders just now. Talking to someone takes that load off. You dont have to tell your BF everything just now. A little bit here and there makes all the difference... Take care.