Really, There are Worse Things than Michigan Winning a National Championship

As you know, the NCAA men’s basketball championship game takes place tonight in Atlanta, pitting the Louisville Cardinals of the ACC Big East against TTUN from the B1G.

Can things be worse than a Michigan win tonight? Sure.

With the Buckeyes not involved, many of you are no doubt apathetic and won’t be watching. Others of you will be tuning in and hoping the evening ends with the delicious tears of Wolverine fans.

And there’s a small, misguided portion of you that may even be hoping for a Michigan victory because it would give the Big Ten a major sports championship. If this is you, it is probable that you would make an excellent SEC fan.

What’s good for the conference might be good in some way for Ohio State, but cheering for Michigan is simply too steep a price to pay. Do Browns fans root for the Bengals when their team is out of the race? Do Bengals fans yell “yay AFC North!” (or even “yay AFC!”) when the Steelers win the Super Bowl? I think overwhelmingly not.

Whether Michigan wins or not, their fans will be insufferable in every way. This will, of course, be magnified a hundred fold if Trey Burke and company win it all. I mean, how can you tolerate a group of people cheering “Go Blue!” while their team runs up and down the court wearing those yellow highlighter uniforms?

But there are worse things than Michigan winning a national championship in basketball tonight. As a public service to you, the 11W reader, we present a partial list of those things:

Kidney Stones

Of the many things that can go wrong with the human body, kidney stones are one of the most awful. Having passed two in my life, I can attest to the excruciating pain associated with a stone’s movement from the kidney, through the ureter, into the bladder and eventually out through the urethra. That moment of passing a stone has been compared to childbirth, but at least with childbirth you know that something good will come of all the hurting. Not so with kidney stones.

That sentence may seem obvious, but the words “severe pain” seem insufficient to truly explain what you’ll feel. Sometimes doctors ask you to rate your pain on a scale from 1 to 10. Kidney stones are somewhere around 23 on that scale.

One of the many forms of torture kidney stones can inflict is called renal colic. It can include any or all of these fun symptoms: nausea, vomiting, fever, blood or pus in the urine, and the always-enjoyable pain during urination.

The pain and suffering of kidney stones is far more terrible than a Michigan victory, although the symptoms generally don’t last as long. (They only seem never-ending.)

This is slightly less fun than a Wolverine championship.

Being Ripped Apart by Zombies

One of the more gruesome (and awesome) scenes in AMC’s The Walking Dead occurs when Dale Horvath is attacked by a zombie in Season 2. Dale falls backward with the zombie on top of him. While he fights hard enough to keep the zombie from biting him, the walking dead man is able to dig its nails into the soft flesh of Dale’s belly, ripping his innards out in a fit of undead fury.

While this has never happened to me [/furiously knocks on wood], I can only surmise that it would be a tad worse than seeing Michigan fans happily celebrating a national championship. The pain would be incredible and even worse would be the knowledge that you’re not going to make it, even though you kept the cursed zombie from sinking his teeth into you.

I’m not sure it’s any better to actually be bitten, particularly the way T-Dog went down. I think I’d rather go out the way Captain Quint did in Jaws than the way T-Dog was eaten alive. The great white in Jaws would make much quicker work with its three rows of enormous, razor-sharp teeth. Zombie teeth are much smaller and duller and would take much longer to inflict their damage.

Speaking of smaller, duller things that inflict damage over a long period of time, did you know that Trey Burke was from Columbus and was not heavily recruited by Ohio State? You’d think the media would mention that.

The other part that’s worse about being ripped apart by zombies is that it would certainly mean that a zombie apocalypse had occurred, which also likely signifies that Ohio State sports are at an end for the foreseeable future. That's not good for us, my fellow Buckeyes.

Being Subjected to a Sofia the First Marathon

If you don’t have small children that watch a lot of Disney Junior, you are probably unaware of just how much this sucks. This could easily apply to almost any children’s show, and other good candidates are Gaspard and Lisa, Dora the Explorer, Max and Ruby, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, and Go Diego Go!

Sofia the First Worst is particularly bad because of her shrill, high-pitched voice and creepy oversized eyes. Seriously, Sofia’s eyes are larger than those of every character on the show. I don’t know if elephantiasis of the eye is a real thing, but if it is, Sofia has it.

Not only is her voice annoying, but she’s always messing with the status quo of King Roland’s castle and generally making everyone else miserable until the end of the episode, when they suddenly all change their world views and applaud Sofia’s enlightened thinking — as if this ever happens in real life. Oh, and there are songs. They are as horrific as you’d expect.

Being subjected to obnoxious Michigan fans after a national title would be a soothing balm if you’d just endured six or seven straight hours of Sofia the First. Then again, no one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable.

Marginally worse than a TTUN title.

Getting Eddard Stark’d

It’s bad enough to be beheaded, but what happened to Eddard Stark at King’s Landing near the end of Season 1 of Game of Thrones was worse than a simple be-Nedding.

The blade took only a split second to separate the Lord of Winterfell from his honorable and noble noggin. The buildup to such a horror was even worse. Not only did Stark await his doom with the full knowledge that his two young daughters were there to see it. But adding insult to injury is that he publicly admitted wrongs he never committed and renounced the truths he knew in a misguided attempt to improve his lot and spare his kids. It was the opposite of death before dishonor.

This would be like Jim Tressel being forced to publicly announce in front of Andy Groom and Jon Thoma that punting the football was a futile and stupid part of the game of football and should be abolished forthwith — and then to be refiresigtired (h/t Ramzy) anyway.

The Sun Becoming a Red Giant

It may not happen for about 7.59 billion years, but the sun becoming a red giant will certainly be worse than a Michigan national championship. Scientists may be split on whether or not the Earth would actually be consumed by such an event, but all agree that the planet would be uninhabitable.

A destroyed or uninhabitable Earth means a destroyed or uninhabitable Columbus. And that obviously eliminates the chance for a viable football game in the Shoe.

Even if Ohio State’s campus were airlifted (space lifted?) to another inhabitable planet, it wouldn’t be the same as playing in Columbus. A new, artificial Olentangy River (or Fauxlentangy) would have to be constructed. There would likely be no Adriatico’s Pizza on the new world and no Short North, Brewery District or German Village.

You’d need the entire city to be moved to the new world, like on Boston album covers. This seems impractical. But even so, would a crisp autumn day in the Shoe feel the same? I think not.

So even if Michigan wins tonight and the most obnoxious element of the Wolverine faithful becomes even more insufferable, just remember: things could be worse.

The only way it could be worse is if they won it by beating us in the National Championship game, which for a while looked like it could have been us and them in it ... oh well, Spring Game this weekend and football is less than 150 days away.

It's what I was hoping for ... not only would beating Michigan be great ... but to beat them for a National title ... Amazing.
Sadly we are going to have to wait a while for that opportunity to come back around again.

I hate that team up north so much. But I find myself struggling with the idea of who I want to win this game tonight. We've been hearing all year that the B1G is the best basketball conference, and the only way to live up to this hype is for the B1G to win a championship. I am sick and tired of hearing B1G haters talk about much the B1G major sports suck, and rightfully so its been ten years since the B1G has won a champtionchip in either basketball or football. Not only does a win tonight by ttun make the B1G look better, but it also makes Ohio State look better because we beat scUM once this season. With that said, i'm not as turned off to sun winning the championship as I thought. Does anyone else feel this way????

You lose all credibility when you compare rooting for nfl divisions versus a conference in college sports. There are recruits who might or might not want to play in a particular conference because of success, players in pro sports are drafted. I understand why some people might want to not pull for Michigan and I get that but it is much different than pro sports.
I won't be rooting for Michigan tonight but I won't be rooting against them either. I will be an observer watching a basketball game, at least that is how I will go into it. This conference really needs a national title but I can't go all michigan either.

I'd rather shave my head with a cheese grater while chewing on foil.
Edit: It just occurred to me that there is a whole generation of fans on this site who have never experienced metal fillings/end old-guy comment.

The word Kidney Stone brings awful memories to me. I never knew something could hurt so bad it would make you throw up, until it actually happens. It is the one thing on the list that is worse than Michigan winning it all! Since my kidney stone I said there are a select few people I'd wish that on. That being said, I sincerely hope the Michigan basketball team and any other sport for that matter, all get Kidney Stones!

I don't know, I'm rooting for Michigan, and it hurts to type that out, but I'm having a hard time disliking this team. Maybe it's because Burke is a friend of Sullinger's and from Columbus. I also think a win for the B1G is huge. While I would relish the tears of a Tom Crean or Bo Ryan, I don't have that kind of disdain for Beilein. And if they win, and all the underclassmen go pro, we can revel in their mediocrity next year. Win/Win.

EP I am with you too. I always try to root for the Big Ten when I can, and I really dont dislike this Michigan team. Burke is likeable as is Beilein. Frankly, I would much rather Michigan win instead of Tom Crean or Bo Ryan. Only other B1G BBall squad I would pull for more would be Michigan State I have always liked Izzo.
In any event, it is also hard to root against Louisville especially with the Ware injury. If Michigan wins then its good for the Big Ten, if Louisville wins it will be another reminder or where rooting for Michigan gets you. Win/Win.

Yeah, I have a special dislike of Crean--he's a crazy whack job--he will have a meltdown one day that will make Woody Hayes and Bobby Knight look like altar boys. Bo Ryan is simply evil personified. Beilein is a good, classy guy from what I've observed. I think U of M have to be pleased with how he has grown the program.

I don't think there's a single reciut who will think, "hey mich just won the title so I'm going to Ohio State". There is no banner going up in the Schott that reads; 2012-2013 best conference or 2012-2013 1-1 vs. national champions. As far regional bias is concerned I believe both Louisville and AA are about 200 miles from C-bus so that's a push. I've been to both cities and hands down had a better time in L-ville.
Go Cards! Beat sun!

If anyone wants tsun to win, please abandon all your scarlet and gray gear and stop referring to yourself as a Buckeye fan. Being a Buckeye fan means you cannot stomach the sun and blue. Don't believe me? I guarantee you that Woody, Earle, Tressel and Urbz would agree with me.

I can guarantee you that if you call that schools name, or wear blue, around Urban, you owe him 10 pushups. I can guarantee you that Woody didn't want people to give that state a single penny when his teams had to play at ann arbor (is a whore). I can guarantee you that if you walk around the Shoe during a game and tell people you want tsun to win against their opponent of the day that you wont find any support.

While i am at it, I guarantee you that South Korea doesn't want North Korea to win at anything......etc

Those are all great guarantees but none of them guarantee that the coaches mentioned would agree with you that anyone who has cheered for TTUN should turn in there scarlet and gray and are fake fans.
Would you call a person who sat down and had a rational conversation with the TTUN's head football coach a fake Buckeye? Would you call a person who respects the head football coach of TTUN so much that while ill drove to a banquet to give him a wonderful introduction a fake Buckeye. If you answer yes to either of those questions then your calling Woody a fake Buckeye.
Dont question others fandom allegiances simply because they are or have cheered for TTUN in the past. You can have a rivalry and disdain for another program and respect that said program at the same time.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsLcBLqUCiE

I will question the allegiance of anyone who likes them. Things must be a lot different in Chicago. Just like all the Bulls fans when MJ played there. When it wasn't cool anymore, they became Lakers fans. I will absolutely continue to feel the way I want to, whether you approve or not. Your telling me how to feel won't work. Oh yeah, im sure Cubs fans love White Sox fans.

You know Chicago so well. No one said anything about liking them. Just don't feel the need to go out of my way to root against them like many other Buckeye fans. I wish all OSU fans were as rational as you, we could take over the world! The hate is strong in you.

Biggy, I worked with both Woody and Earle. I do know that they both wanted TTUN to be as good as they could be and win as much as possible until we played them. Then is was rivalry to the max. Don't get me wrong, they would never shed a tear if TTUN lost, but they both felt it was best for the rivalry if both tOSU and TTUN were strong. It makes beating them that much sweeter.

Wow. I'm glad to hear that if true. That perfectly encompasses my feelings. I want both teams to be 11-0 heading into the finale. I'm not upset when they lose. I enjoyed Appy State as much as anyone. But I think the rivalry is strengthened when both teams are good.

I've been over here all "Go Big Ten"... thanks for the slap across the face, I needed a good wake up call... what was I thinking? I could never really want them to win. Go Louisville, Screw Blue! Ahhh, that feels much better!

This truly is my own personal hell. I grew up in Columbus and loving all things buckeye (still do) and I also went to UK for undergrad. Having the rivals of the two teams I cheer for in the championship is altogether miserable. I have already lost.

Attesting first hand kidney stones are awful.
RIP Dale.
This team lost to Penn State... PENN STATE!!!!
Belein is a puppet ever since he started to call Ohio State "Ohio" only after fatty started to do it.
edit: Mitch McGary = poor man's Jared Sullinger

After doing all the math, it turns out I win $175 or so in my bracket contest if Michigan wins tonight. I didn't pick them to win it all, but since no one picked Michigan and a lot of people picked Louisville, Michigan is my only chance at the mula.
So in a sense, tonight will be a win-win for me.

I just have to say if there are tears shed tonight by Michigan fans, they'll be tears of joy. The homeristic fans inside of each of us thought "Maybe, just maybe, they could click like they did before B1G play." Then I look at the bracket: Kansas, Georgetown, and Florida (Even VCU). I had Michigan advancing to the Sweet 16 and considered all those who had them advancing further drunk, crazy, or stupid. Couple that with OSU's bracket crumbling in the form of a yellow-brick road to Atlanta and Indiana seemingly a lock to advance to Atlanta.
I made it through the fear of another first round upset, watched Michigan wreak havoc on the "Terrifying Havoc Defense," and destroy VCU. I experienced an unprecedented comeback/meltdown vs the Jayhawks, watched the Stauskas show on Easter and then saw the unbeatable 2-3 zone get beaten by the most unlikely of players. It has been a blast. I didn't think they'd make it this far, and, though I'll be very disappointed if they don't find victory tonight, I'll still be fairly happy for this run.

I think that it's a credit to the league that the Wolverines have done so well. I had them in the Sweet 16 as well. Good for them for taking advantage of the opportunity. OSU got beat by a tough team that surprised everyone, and they gave Louisville a rough time, too. Should be a great game tonight. I know a lot of Buckeye fans who are rooting for U of M. I'm a bit partial to U of L because of that guy who broke his leg so dramatically. I started rooting for them at that moment when I knew that OSU was out, not because of TTUN being in the championship game. I actually didn't think they were going to be there--but they are and deserve to be--they won. I know Sullinger is rooting for U of M to win-for Trey, so I guess some weirdos will say he is not a true Buckeye either. LOL.

I guess I can no longer love my Buckeyes or even read or write about them since I want a B1G team to win tonight, any B1G team, unfortunately it is not my Buckeyes in the final dance.
I really love it when people question your loyalty, because you hold a differing (thought filled) opinion than they do.

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

Maybe I'm a 42 yr. old baby, but I just can't pull for them. Wanted them to lose in the first round and have pulled against them every game since. I don't think it's 'them' as in their team, it's 'them' as in their fans. A win tonight and I get to hear about that AND the damn Tigers all summer.
No thanks. Go Louisville.

I've been rooting for Louisville ever since the guy destroyed his leg. I wouldn't feel bad if Michigan won, though. They couldn't win the Big Ten title outright at home, when it mattered. Pretty crazy that the third best team in the league could win the National Title. LOL.

I've passed multiple kidney stones (at least five) and had to go to the emergency room for treatment twice. Kidney stones are so common for me that once I start to experience that familiar pain, I know I'm f-ed but powerless to do anything about it. The only reason I'll go to the ER now is if I think I need morphine to get through the pain. I can say without hesitation or sarcasm that if I had a choice between scUM winning tonight or dealing with a brand new kidney stone, I would take the kidney stone. Mind you, it takes weeks and sometimes months to actually pass a stone. The whole thing starts with some discomfort peeing. That's when you first know there's an issue. Then there is the agonizing process of moving from the kidney to the bladder, which for me has lasted several hours each time. But then once the stone moves into the bladder, you have to wait to actually pass it, which means more discomfort peeing. This has taken me up to two months. The moment the thing comes out is actually the least unpleasant of them all.
Seriously, I would gladly take a kidney stone for the team right now and have scUM lose tonight. Perhaps that's a deal I'm inadvertently making just be writing it. If so and scUM loses tonight, that would be totally worth it.

it will hurt that much more if michigan wins in beilein's first trip to the finals whereas matta has been in the final 4 twice championship once and still hasn't won it yet.......of any big ten coach, matta deserves to be the one to win the first one.....plus it will make me sick that 2 kids from within 15 miles of columbus will help contribute to the title if michigan wins

Not that logic or reason matter with this "conference superiority" thing, but if you look over most of the national champs in college BB over the last 20 years, it is great basketball programs who have ruled. It is mostly the Kentucky(s), UNC(s), Duke(s), UConn(s), Kansas(es) with the lion share of the titles. The only later comer to the great program party is Florida. Some of the national champs come from great BB conferences, but Kentucky and Florida do not. There are some great programs with one or less titles in the last 20 years; it is tough to win this thing.
College Football is a different animal and there is no doubt that the Big Ten has been down for about 10 years. The Big Ten is and will be tough in BB for years to come. May be we need the fouls called a bit closer in the regular reason so that foul trouble doesn't kill the top teams come tourney time,

How about an abscessed root canal done by student dentist from TSUN? ( I went to tOSU dental school for an emergency removal and I get a student dentist from TSUN go figure).

Basically, I didn't have dental insurance and it was a filling that came out at some point. Overtime it got worse and one day it was a constant stabbing pain I could basically do nothing about(Vicodin are YOU KIDDING ME DOC??!?!?). The cheapest and quickest option was tOSU dental school. Lucky me I end up with TSUN dental student and even after 25 injections of Novocaine I could still feel it!!!!
AHHHHHHH!!!! Horrible memory!!!!!!!!!! *drinking*

One of the few things I can think of that would be worse than the team up north winning the title would be to be put into a wood chipper feet first and slowly be chipped away then have a team of zombie squirrels devour the rest of you. So all I have to say is Go Louisville.