FUNNY SIDE UP: Improving the winter Olympics

The 2020 summer Olympics are coming up real soon (in Antarctica, I think.) I believe the events need changes to the traditional panache (if I knew what that meant.)

Since the break-up of the USSR into smaller country components, the USA always runs away with the most medals. I think we should not allow the USA to compete until they convert to metric like the rest of the world. Until that unlikely likelihood, I propose we shuffle the deck and funk up the events:

1. Cut down on all multi-distance races. Why have a race for every 19,20,40,60 and 100 meters? (and if we are all on metric why is there a metre and a meter?) Are we to assume that a champ at 100 meters, can’t cut the mustard at 20? Have one long event for all distances, making benchmarks along the way. You get a point for leading at each distinct mark. (Like on the Price is Right.) Most points wins one medal. That’s it. I, of course, refer to both track and pool competitions. Why should a person win 15 medals when they can be given one and we all say, “Yeah, you the fastest! Now go home.” And no more relay races (This is not the Pony Express.)

2. The scoring system needs to be revisited. Lose the goose egg up to 8.9 because everyone always scores between nine and 10 (unless the athlete ends up crashing into the judges’ box, and even then they might get 10 for artistic impression.)

3. Inject some oomph into tired, old events:

During the opening ceremony’s cavalcade of colors, why not award medals to the best outfits?

During competition, have teammates attempt fair (dangerous) catches of shot-puts, hammers, discuses and javelins on the end.

Start marathon races six months ahead of time from really far locations like Nome, Alaska.

In weightlifting, let’s follow the clean-and-jerk with unwashed-and-cantankerous.

Triple jump and broad jump, why not hopscotch?

High jumps followed by limbo pole event.

And why are we giving the medals to equestrian riders when it’s the horses that are doing all the work? And how about water polo on horses? (Much tougher to get a full mallet swing under water.)

Platform diving: Let’s award medals based on pool depths of 20, 10, 5 and two meters of water. Why not include some contemporary skill sets like cannonballs, and belly flops? I also like the idea of combining events like high diving and weight lifting.

4. I strongly suspect the Olympics discriminate against people who are too young or too old or not athletic. So, why not add leisure events like debating, yodeling, poker, mini-putt, doodling, Nintendo and Snakes and Ladders? (Personally, I would add creative writing.) Am I the only one who envisions an agony and ecstasy moment when a player howls, “Go fish!” For that matter, why not an Olympic fishing derby?