Sunday, November 04, 2007

NYC - Day 1

I'm all cozied up in Clare and Rich's apartment. PJs, warm blanket, it's nice. The flight was good, quick, painless. We arrived 30 minutes early but then spent an hour on the tarmac and another 30 minutes waiting for baggage. I was welcomed to NY by Clare, Rich, Ralph, Karen, Amre and little Theo. Karen mentioned that Ryan said I've looked like I've been on the verge of tears lately. I have. I've been stressed, overworked, exhausted, wound up, overextended, never saying "no", taking on the world. And it's breaking me. In too many ways. Every day I have to remind myself "balance". And then I ignore it. On Saturday a friend criticized my organization at our shoot. I've relived that moment, that exchange in my head over and over. I've cried about it more than once because, this may sound ridiculous but I take organization very very seriously. And that morning I had a million things going against me. Should I be getting that upset about something so stupid like this? I don't know. But it cut me.

I shouldn't be, but I'm having a hard time these days. These last several months. Trying to figure everything out. Keep my head on straight. So yeah, I'm in NY with my friends. Trying to take things a little slower. Trying not to think about work, my list of "to dos", my classes, my own projects. I don't know. Just relax. Relax. Relax. Relax.

Sometimes things have to pile up to unbearable levels before we finally get the message that something isn't working for us. Whatever that might be -- the way we work, handle stress, talk to ourselves in our heads, etc.

It wasn't until I started having panic attacks that I started working on unraveling my constant underlying anxiety and the sources for it. After getting to know more about it (with a fabulous Austin therapist) and how I had developed it to deal with my depression, then I could start learning new, unfamiliar but healthier ways to deal with myself.

I couldn't get to that point until I'd sat crying for no reason in my car in the parking lot of a hamburger stand in South Austin, though. I just couldn't drive at that moment. All I could do to relieve the internal pressure I felt was to sit and cry until the noise in my head quieted down.

Your Guides are trying to get your attention, my dear. What's not working anymore, and how might you change it?

You'll come out of this period stronger and wholer, though. B/c you are very loved, and you love so well and completely. Let the people and the angels in your life nurture and comfort you.