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Monday, February 13, 2012

Breaking up the Holly Denham way...plus an e-voucher giveaway!

**Giveaway is now closed**

While Valentine's Day is mostly about love and romance, this may not apply to all of our readers. For some fun and laughs, we have Holly Denham here to share "Jason's Amazing Break Up Guide" from "Holly's Inbox: Scandal in the City."Entertainment Weekly called "Holly's Inbox" "The Next Bridget Jones!" If you like stories written in e-mail format, you'll definitely love Holly's books! Check out her website and visit her on Facebook and Twitter! As a special bonus, she has an e-voucher for a lucky reader anywhere in the world to purchase "Holly's Inbox" or "Holly's Inbox: Scandal in the City!"

From Holly

To Jason

That’s definitely not possible.

From Jason

To Holly

It is with:

JASON’S AMAZING BREAK UP GUIDE

Do you love your partner, but just can’t carry on?

Can’t think of hurting them – so want THEM to break up with YOU?

These simple steps will guarantee a guilt free break up.

(ps I’m starting it this week, if it goes well I might try and market it)

WEEK 1

Be smelly, the smellier the better. Make sure when he walks in that room that he wishes he had died – cheat if you have to, cat food is particularly repellent; keep an open sachet in your pocket

Be physically repulsive, from rotting teeth to a new horrifying taste in clothes. Put fake sweat patches under the arms, let your hair grow long and out of shape, don’t shave anywhere

Develop a taste for the unusual. Leave whips, chains and strange looking sexual contraptions everywhere. Begin wearing a dog lead at home and sometimes bark during sex

Take up the violin

WEEK 2

Giggle nervously when he’s around, stutter shake and dribble. Be waiting for him by the door, grinning. Keep tabs on him, ask where he is all the time, even when he’s with you. Explain it’s just because you love him so much

Be horrible to live with, wait until he’s in the bathroom before you run in there and use the toilet. Eat everything that doesn’t agree with your digestive system, burp, fart, leave your pants on the floor

Use the last of the household products without replacing them

Develop a hacking cough and put a spittoon by your bed

Take up the clarinet

WEEK 3

Play with matches a lot

Buy an air horn and press it regularly, buy bangers and explode them in the garden every Sunday afternoon

Find religion; begin quoting from the Bible during arguments. When you win an argument, pummel the air and scream 10 points for the Grrrrangers (or your surname)

Whenever he talks, slap your knees to an imaginary drum beat, wear your trousers up high to reveal odd socks, wear your pants on top of your trousers

Always wear odd socks

Exercise. Buy an exercise bike, work out at home, in spandex, in front of him, while he’s on the phone, watch him closely

Admire everyone else, tell him you wished you could only be as sexy as they are. Tell him every day you’re so lucky to be with him. Get caught sniffing his underwear

WEEK 4

Say ‘lovin it’ and ‘defo’ in every sentence.

Creep up on him and explode balloons behind his head regularly, then lie on the floor belly laughing afterwards

Accumulate a list of the oldest jokes ever, begin telling them when you’re at dinner parties. Repeat one in particular all the time

Leave black muck stains around the bath rim. Get caught sniffing his shoes

Walk dirt through the house

Puke in bed at night and pee yourself in the morning

Pick your teeth with your toe-nail clippings

WEEK 5

Freshen your socks by stretching them over the cold drinks cans in the fridge

Paint his portrait once a week, badly, and insist on hanging it in the gallery you’ve created in the hall, just of him

Get caught putting pins in a doll, keep petrol in canisters under the bed. When someone comes on the TV you like, pinch your nipples and growl

Rearrange everything in the cupboards in alphabetical order, and put labels on everything in the fridge which you’ve bought with MINE written on them

Spend the evenings polishing the doorknobs and scream in pain when he uses them without gloves. Sit around the house in rubber shorts.

MONDAY

Subject: Unknown

From UnknownAngel101@yahoo.co.uk

To Holly

And the Lord said “secrets are the undoing of the soul’

Special thanks to Holly for sharing this excerpt with us and for sharing an e-voucher for one of her novels with one of our lucky readers!

How to win an e-voucher for "Holly's Inbox" or "Holly's Inbox: Scandal in the City":Just tell us what would be a deal breaker to you or cause you to break up with someone. Please include your e-mail address or a way to contact you if you should win. One entry per person.

Disclosure of Material Connection:

Some of the links in the posts above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, we will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, we only recommend products or services we use personally and believe will add value to our readers. We are disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."