Writing about my walk with God and all He's teaching me.

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I never thought the day would come when I could say, “I’ve let the anger go.” That day came around a month ago. Through the words of others, and God leading me to the right places at the right time, I finally let go of anger I’ve held onto for months!

I had attended a one-day women’s retreat, not really knowing what to expect. The topics of the day were about friendships and relationships, and forgiveness. Easy enough to figure out why God had wanted me there! Later that next week I attended two revival services, and again I heard about relationships and forgiveness. Pile on what the study was over for BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) that week and I was getting a very clear message from God.

It was time for my feelings to catch up to my forgiveness!

I had harbored anger towards this person that had hurt me very deeply. I was not ready to let go of that anger, although in my heart I had already forgiven. I figured that I was just working through a broken relationship and I was in the anger stage. Thing was, I was stuck there! I wasn’t willing to let go and move forward, but God was pointing out that it was time. Was I really ready for that step? Over the course of five days God kept speaking to me, through various ways, that it was time to let it go.

It was during the altar call on Wednesday night, the last night of revival, that I knew it was time to let go of the anger. I had held back long enough and I needed to let myself heal. So up I went, with the person’s name written on a piece of paper, ready to let go of the anger and be freed. I dropped the paper where those of us responding to the altar call were supposed to, then just kneeled at the altar and cried. God took my anger from me and it was as if a hundred pound weight had been lifted from my shoulders! I was free!

Letting go of anger isn’t easy, especially when it comes from extreme hurt. Holding onto the anger was just hurting me more, allowing the person who had hurt me to still have some control over my emotions. I knew that my anger would take control over me completely if I was to see this person again, and that I wouldn’t be who God wanted me to be towards them. Thankfully, during this anger filled season, I never saw them.

God doesn’t want us to live in bondage to our anger. Until I was ready to let go of my anger, I was going to keep dealing with extreme hurt that I wasn’t able to move past. James 1:20 (NLT) says, “Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” Really hits home with all I went through during this season. So does Psalm 4:4 (NLT), which says, “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.” I can only imagine the ways that I sinned because of my anger. How many times do you think about the ways anger has caused you to sin?

Anger is a part of the grieving process, but we aren’t to stay there, in that stage. We aren’t to let our anger have control of us and pull us away from the life God wants us to lead. If God is asking you to let go of your anger, are you ready? What is keeping you from letting it go?

I can honestly say that my life has been more peaceful since letting go of the anger. I know that, should I ever see the person again that hurt me, I know that I won’t act out in rage. I can’t worry about the chance of seeing her again, but trust in God that if I do, He will guide me to act in a way that pleases Him.

God, I give you praise for taking away all of my pent up anger and aggression. I am a new person because of it! For anyone reading this, I pray that they will release any anger felt towards someone to You. That they will find healing and restoration for their soul. In Your Son’s Name I pray, Amen.

I have had another difficult week this past week and the week before that, and have taken yet two more big blows. It’s to the point where the will to get up again is nowhere near. It doesn’t feel good to say that. Life…and the enemy…just have me that low.

I say all that to get to the core of this post. Through this whole process and grief, I’m to the point where trust is now a big issue. I feel like I’ve been put in a place where anything I say or do is wrong in front of certain people. Where it is now best to stay silent than to speak. That I’m someone not to speak to. Not exactly a place someone who’s been called to speak wants to be placed in. Also, I know these thoughts are coming from a very wounded place and they are extreme. It kind of feels like I’ve been targeted. Like people just can’t stand that I’ve voiced my brokeness. I wish I could say more about this, in more detail, but it would only be stepping down to a level that I don’t want to be on. I’m not seeking revenge or tearing anyone else down because someone decided to do that to me.

It’s not really what anyone wants from me, to silence myself. I’m thankful for the friend that has listened to everything I’ve said to her. I am thankful that she has walked this very tough road with me. God doesn’t want me to silence myself. The good news is that I can go to Him and He will always be ready to listen to me.

When you’ve been deeply wounded and essentially silenced by someone, how do you react? Do you run, hide, or lash out at that person? I’ve been hurt enough that it’s easy for me to just build a wall and block people out. I say something to make them think that I’m okay, even if I’m not, after they’ve done something to me. I’m not one of those people who deals well with surprises of the negative sort. There is one thing I’ve learned through all of this and I’m planning on making that change in my life.

Even though I can’t trust many people right now, I know that I can turn to the One, my Father, whom I can trust, no matter what. It’s been difficult to turn to Him, after taking so many blows. I know that He didn’t cause them and I’m not blaming God one bit.

Place your trust in the Eternal; rely on Him completely;
never depend upon your own ideas and inventions.
Give Him the credit for everything you accomplish,
and He will smooth out and straighten the road that lies ahead.

God has just revealed something major to me in the wake of what has happened. I know it is important to share, to not just work it out for myself, but because I know someone will come across this post and need the truth that is found within. So, onto the revelation.

When someone thinks they’ve failed you, but won’t stay around to find out your thoughts, that’s the enemy speaking into their life. Once they speak these words into you life and walk away, the enemy has a way in to kill, steal, and destroy.

Now, this opens the door for the enemy to step right into your life. This is exactly what happened to me. This is what lead to turning back to old ways of coping with hurt and disappointment. I was dealing with the actions of someone that now seem so uncharacteristic of them. When everything first happened I was so stunned that I had no idea what to do or think. What a perfect chance to attack, especially since I’ve been doing healing work in the area of relationships.

I cried out to Jesus in my innermost pain. I tried to pray but found it to be so hard because of the pain that I was in. I struggled to even open my bible. Yes,the enemy was getting exactly what he wanted. The enemy had used someone else to get to me. Thankfully I’ve been blessed with some great, safe people that stepped in to pray on my behalf.

Mind you, when this all happened last Sunday, I was coming off a great weekend ladies retreat and a birthday celebration. The enemy wanted to tear me down. The enemy had found a way in when I had least expected it.

I want to say that I am not judging this person for what they did. I know how unlike myself I am when the enemy has gotten a foothold. There are times when Satan does try to disguise himself as God to trick us. I’ve had at least one other person confirm that this was out of character. God has again been clearly speaking to me about this whole thing and that this is not how He would have ended it.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:8-9

This is why I know to be alert. How difficult is it though when we are blindside? While the enemy may have gotten a piece of me, he did not get all of me. Victory goes to God!

Like this:

I’ve realized why I struggle to blog here. I have this idea that I have to come all cleaned up and have some major revelation from God to share.

Not long ago I realized that I don’t have to do that. I don’t have to come to Jesus all cleaned up. Why should Is show myself as that kind of person here, on my blog?

I’m not perfect. No one is perfect. It’s time for me to start using this blog for that. It will mean being bold. It will mean trusting God with what I’m supposed to share.

God has called me to speak and I don’t want to put myself out there as some one I’m not. I’m not perfect. I have my struggles. I’m seeing new struggles as I work through my past and how it relates to my future. I believe that it’s time to stop hiding.

Like this:

It’s that time of year again. Thanksgiving is almost here. Spending time with family, eating more food that you planned, watching football, and shopping the day after.

It’s also that time when we answer the question, “What are you thankful for”? Most of us would say family, friends, our home, the food on our table, our job, our health, and so on.

If you were asked that question, would the first thing be “I’m thankful for Jesus”? Would you proclaim your love for Christ in that way? Christ is worth more than any material items that we have. We should be thankful for Christ first and foremost. If not for Jesus dying on the cross, would we have the blessings that we have because of Him?

The bible says to give thanks to God for everything. Give thanks for the good. Give thanks for the bad. Give thanks that He gave His one and only Son to cover all of our sins.

Like this:

I know…another post so soon? This won’t happen often so enjoy it now! 🙂

I’m posting this because I feel so inspired to. What is the 21-Day Challenge? Here’s your answer.

Tiffany Thurston posted about this challenge on her blog, and I found out about it through Twitter. God’s Word and journaling? Together? Reading God’s Word and journaling about it for 21 days? Two of my favorite things together tied into a challenge? I’m in!

There’s a link to a reading plan on Thurston’s blog, but with Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) starting up on Monday, I’ve decided to follow along with the book we’re studying this year. My reading/writing will come from the Acts. I’m so excited about BSF starting up again, and now adding a further depth into it with the journaling will be good for me.

The challenge is from September 9th-September 30th, but it’s never too late to start! Join in, apply what you read to your life, and see what God shows you!