Meh.

Meh. I’m still very much in love with you. We broke up in December and I told you to no longer contact me in January. I broke up with you because our hearts were in different places. I tried to get us back on the same page but you told me you wanted to real back and be casual. I didn’t want to be casual with you, I was never just casual with you. I was all in right at the start. I now realize that this is probably the only way you can be in a partnership, which is heartbreaking and hasn’t help in the battle of getting over you.

I’m going to see you on Saturday – 5 months after our breakup. We recently got in contact about this day to see what boundaries we need. Since getting back in contact with you I feel less of a dry ache in my heart. I realize that I am still very very in love with you. I spent last night dream of you touching and kissing me. This morning, I woke up and fantasized getting to watch you sleep in the morning sun. As I write this letter, I find that I need to hold back my tears because I think about you all the time.

I’m really excited to see you. I have been fantasizing our conversation. You’ll probably comment on my newest hair cut and I’ll comment on the new tattoos you’ve gotten. We’ll chat casually about life. Give small updates that don’t reveal too much. Hungry to share everything and terrified of hearing too much.

I know you have fallen in love with someone new. I know that person has recently broken your heart.

I want you back. I’m too prideful to initiate that conversation with you – I mean, I broke up with you. I told you not to contact me anymore. I know that our needs are different. I know. I know. But would you want to get back with me? Do you still love me the way we loved each other at the height of our partnership?

I just wish I could share everything with you. How I think of you everyday. How I regret breaking up with you every single day. When my grandfather passed away, I wanted you at the funeral with me. When my brother and his girlfriend had their baby, I wanted you to meet the baby with me. When I won mvp blocker at my last derby game, I wanted to share every detail of the game with you. I want you back in my life.

But DAMMIT I know that it’ll come back to our hearts being in different places again – because we are different… too different to cultivate a safe relationship.

Come and say hi!

Letter To My Ex is run by journalist and blogger Rachel Smith. Write a letter of your own, read thousands of letters from all over the world or check out the latest on the blog, where we touch on everything to do with break-ups, exes, single life, dating and relationships in general.
If you'd like to get in touch, you can email us here, or via post to LTME HQ, PO Box 464 Newtown NSW 2042.