Dear Mothers: We’re Not Meant to “Bounce Back”

I exercise almost every day. Doing so helps me feel strong (and not just physically), it keeps my mind from dominating the ever-so-precarious mind/body/soul balance, and it allows me to better embrace, make sense of, and appreciate my often-crazy life.

But no matter how fit I become, I will always have the body of someone who has carried, birthed, and nursed four babies. My belly is soft, squishy, and covered in stretch marks (you can see them here), my thighs and butt stubbornly store fat (just in case I decide to keep going with this baby-making trend, probably), and my breasts look more like those you’ve seen in Nat Geo than any other magazine on the rack.

I have the body of a mother, and given that it’s been nine years since my youngest was born, there will clearly be no “bouncing back,” no matter how many calories I burn, crunches I do, or hours I spend at the gym.

Thankfully, I’ve not only made peace with this fact, but I’ve come to see it as a truly beautiful thing.

I work with mothers for a living. More specifically, I support women as they grow, transition, recreate their lives, reclaim their worth, and heal their relationships with themselves. The more women I witness, and the deeper I journey into motherhood myself, the more obvious it becomes to me:

We’re not meant to “bounce back” after babies. Not physically, not emotionally, and definitely not spiritually.We’re meant to step forward into more awakened, more attuned, and more powerful versions of ourselves. Motherhood is a sacred, beautiful, honorableevolution, not the shameful shift into a lesser-than state of being that our society makes it seem.

The very notion that we are meant to change as little as possible, and even revert back to the women we were before we became mothers is not only unrealistic, but it’s an insult to women of all ages, demographics, shapes, and sizes. It makes a mockery of the powerful passage into one of the most essential roles a human can live into, and it keeps women disempowered through an endless journey of striving for unattainable goals that wouldn’t necessarily serve us even if we could reach them.

The world needs the transformation motherhood brings about it us. The softening, the tenderness, the vulnerability, the shift in prioritization, the depth of love — these are some of the qualities our hurting world needs most.

But here’s the thing: awakened, empowered mothers who know their true worth (especially those of us with relative freedom, opportunities, and privaledge) are a threat to so many of our current social structures and cultural norms.

The “beauty” and fashion industries (among others) count on our dissatisfaction with our bodies and lives after babies. The more in touch we become with our inherent worthiness, beauty, strength, and purpose, the less products of any kind we need to help us feel good and love our lives.

Our needs are not in line with “the bottom line.” Businesses and workplaces will be forced to rethink their profits-before-people prioritization once we decide, collectively, that our needs matter. Ample maternity leave, affordable healthcare, part-time positions with benefits, and increased flexibility are more likely to become the norm once we see ourselves as worthy of having our needs met. This shift is strongly resisted by those who benefit from the way society is currently structured.

We still live in a masculine-dominant culture in which feminine power terrifies people. Just look at how often people recoil and squirm around the subjects of birth, menstruation, and menopause, for example. Culturally, we’re not comfortable with femininity in its realness and fullness yet. We must first be tidied up, plucked, shaved, sterilized and photoshopped before we’re seen as presentable, acceptable, and not disgusting. Though motherhood presents many reasons and opportunities to dissolve this distorted paradigm, the shame we still feel around our bodies, our vulnerabilities, and our needs often keeps us trapped by and limiting ourselves.

It’s up to each and every one of us to decide whether we will embrace the sacred evolution into motherhood in all its messy, mysterious beauty, or fight it right alongside the industries that count on our dissatisfaction and disempowerment.

Of course, it makes sense that we would want to “bounce back” after babies. The seeming ability to do so is a sign of strength and desirability in society’s eyes, and who doesn’t want to feel strong and desirable? Consider the many advantages of changing as little as possible once we become mothers, or downplaying the effect motherhood has on our needs, perspectives, bodies, and hearts:

We gain the favor of bosses and co-workers.

We’re rewarded for appearing strong (even superhuman) and taking on as much as possible without breaking.

We feel less vulnerable and appear less “needy.”

We create less waves within marriages, families, workplaces, and social circles.

We aren’t forced to justify shifts in prioritization that don’t make sense to other people.

We run less risk of “losing” our sense of self.

The less physically marked we are (by stretch marks, weight gain, loose skin, etc.), the less body shame we have to endure and the greater chance we have of being seen as beautiful, or at least acceptable, in society’s eyes.

With so many advantages to “bouncing back” as quickly as possible, why on earth would we want to embrace and celebrate the stretch marks, the cellulite, the spit up, the sleepless nights, the vulnerability, the increased dependency on others, the often-terrifying uncertainty, and the shift into a whole new way of feeling, being, and prioritizing?

Because the world needs us to. Because we’re living under masculine models of power, strength, and success, and until a balance is restored by their feminine counterparts, true healing and peace in this world are not possible. Because healthy societies cannot exist without deep reverence and support for sacred transitions and natural evolutions. Because you and I are among the first women in the history of the world with a real shot at reviving the sacred feminine to the degree her presence is needed.

Years ago, when I was raising babies and feeling a little desperate for a sense of self beyond the exhausted, overwhelmed milk maid I felt I had become, I did everything I could to “stay strong” and keep motherhood from “breaking” me. I was determined that if I simply did more of the “right” things, I could finally feel as if my contributions were enough — as if I was enough — and dig myself out of the disempowerment I felt. I now see that by holding so tightly to a more masculine understanding of strength, I was actually repressing and resisting a new strength trying to be born in me: the more feminine strength of vulnerability.

It is vulnerable to ask for help. It is vulnerable to admit that you don’t know what to do. It is vulnerable to depend on others physically, financially, and emotionally. It is vulnerable to gaze into the eyes of your newborn baby and realize that she is completely dependent on you for her wellbeing. It is vulnerable to imagine evolving into something unknown (and culturally dishonored). It is vulnerable to lose yourself to love. It is vulnerable to trust your instincts. It is vulnerable to claim strength and beauty in ways that aren’t culturally condoned.

It is vulnerable to let motherhood change us.

And yet, by doing so — by claiming our right to this sacred, messy and sometimes terrifying evolution — we position ourselves as capable, heart-led leaders in the healing of the world.

We start by validating the uniqueness and worthiness of our own needs.

We start by looking in the mirror with awe and reverence for the miraculous changes in our physical bodies.

We start by seeing ourselves as powerful, not despite having changed, but because we’re more vulnerable to love and in need of connection.

We start by banding together as mothers and women instead of allowing fear and judgment and shame to divide us.

Many in positions of power and influence want us to see our emerging strengths as weaknesses. They want us to think that the only way for us to be beautiful is to deny, minimize, and hide the marks of motherhood. Our vulnerabilities are studied by ad agencies and marketing gurus in order to be capitalized upon and used to control our perceptions and prioritization.

According to our society, motherhood makes us less sexy, less feminine, and less powerful.

But deep down, you know better, don’t you? You felt your true power the moment you smelled your beautiful baby’s sweet head, having ushered him into the world. You come into your true power every time you sit down to nurse your toddler, tend a bloodied knee, or listen with rapt compassion. You exercise your power every time you own and ask for what you need and deeply desire. You strengthen your power every time you disconnect from cultural distortion and reconnect with your worthiness as a divine being entrusted with the task of nurturing, guiding and supporting the growth of other divine beings.

You, dear mama, are powerful beyond measure. But feminine power looks (and feels) very different than masculine power, and is often misunderstood, undermined, and overlooked.

Fortunately, more and more people are waking up and seeing through the smoke screens of false empowerment and misleading marketing. Paradigms are shifting (however slowly and painfully), and there are plenty of things each of us can do to hasten change:

Redefine femininity for yourself. Unhooking ourselves from cultural definitions of what it means to be feminine is no easy task given how inundated we are with high heels, perky boobs, and puckered lips, but doing so can make all the difference in our perceptions of beauty, self-worth, and desirability.

Honor your needs. This requires identifying them, naming them, learning creative ways to meet them, speaking them aloud, and understanding that they will change day to day and over time.

Connect with other women vulnerably and courageously. Though petty, surface-level, and judgment-tinged connections are culturally acceptable and promoted, they aren’t feeding us, nor empowering us on any real level. Be as authentic, courageous, and heart-led as you can in your interactions. The world needs us deeply connected.

Root yourself in something permanent and life-giving. The more rooted we are in realities and roles that shift and change (including motherhood, partnerships, careers, and appearances), the more likely we are to feel destabilized when such shifts inevitably occur. Conversely, the more rooted we are in The Divine and her many manifestations, the steadier we will be whenever our world is being rocked.

Forget trying to be beautiful. You already are. Do what makes you feel strong.

See the “beauty” industry for what it is: a profit-driven machine that grows in direct proportion to our shrinking self-esteem. They do not have our best interests in mind, no matter how convincing their ads and promises.

Recognize the challenges inherent to our generation of mothers. While we have it better than our foremothers in many ways, we are disadvantaged in ways they weren’t. Information overwhelm, rampant anxiety, decision fatigue, device dependance, and a heightened sense of responsibility for our children’s every perceived need, are new forms of oppression that have just as much potential to keep us from thriving as those our grandmothers fought to free us from.

Learn about and practice self-compassion. Self-awareness alone sets us up for even greater self-judgment and self-loathing. Learning to be gentle and compassionate with yourself and your process is key to deep, healing growth.

Keep your heart open. Hardening ourselves off from the world, though tempting at times, will only slow the much-needed shift into higher realms of consciousness. Better to let your heart break than to keep it hidden and lonely.

Treat your body as a sacred temple. You did not create your body. It was gifted to you for a short while. How might you better honor this miraculous gift? How ought a person speak about one of the greatest gifts she could possibly be given? The more reverence we have for our bodies, the less susceptible we are to misleading messages.

Disconnect vulnerability from disempowerment in your mind. We tend to avoid vulnerability largely because of its common association with oppressive circumstances and feelings of disempowerment. While these can be linked (and often are), they don’t have to be. Conscious, intentional, self-honoring vulnerability is a very different thing than the vulnerability that accompanies truly oppressive circumstances and mindsets.

I, for one, have no interest in “bouncing back” to a less-evolved, less-awake version of myself, even if it means gaining weight as I age, embracing wrinkles, and going gray. I am becoming more ME with every day, every challenge, and every opportunity I’m given to grow, expand, and heal. I am learning to love the whole of who I am, and celebrate the parts of myself that mark me as a mother.

There’s too much I hope to accomplish in my lifetime not to fully embrace the powerful ways in which motherhood has grown and changed me.

We’ll know we’ve arrived at a place of greater masculine/feminine equilibrium when our culture celebrates and reveres the aging process, women’s bodies are seen as equally beautiful postpartum as pre-pregnancy, and a women’s many natural states of being (hairy, milky, full-figured, flat-chested, saggy-breasted, at ease, enraged, wise, pregnant, gentle, fierce, birthing, wrinkled, stretched, aging, menstruating, and menopausal, to name a few), are seen as sufficient, miraculous, and worthy of honor.

Until then, we must envision the future we want, affirm the inherent worthiness and beauty in one another, and make sure our children hear truth from those of us divinely ordained to guide them.

In awe of us all,

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Wow just wow!!! So much truth and I too wish to see a transformation in our society celebrating every stage we go through as women. I pray I can teach such self respect and encourage such confidence among them in their journey as women.

You are very welcome, Piskito. I totally relate with the limited mental capacity that comes with raising young children, and especially babies. It does get easier to think straight as they get older! Sending love.

I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I type this. I cannot thank you enough for putting into words everything I have thought and felt since the birth of my son. I tried so very hard to “bounce back”. Only when I stopped and accepted that EVERYTHING had changed and not only was there no going back, I also didn’t want to, did I stop the free fall into depression. I just cannot express fully how much your words spoke to my soul. Thank you.

Oh Tina, I feel your pain. I really do. You are far from alone in your struggle, mama. I work with women all the time who tried to “stay strong” and not change, and ultimately surrendered to the even greater strength of motherhood. Many blessings to you as you continue to step forward courageously. YOU ARE BRAVE.

Thank you so much for your wise words. I struggle with this issue daily, especially when i see other mums who are doing it all. I have become very vulnerable since having my babies who are now 5 and 1.5.
I also loved your article about mums struggling without a village to help them too. I often feel like im parenting on my own because i have little support, despite reaching out. Ive tried to do it all on my own and to bounce back but my spirit just wasnt really interested and now i understand why. I definetely need to listen to that side of myself more. Thank you for all you do.

Oh Amy, how I hear you. It can be SO challenging to look around us and feel like everyone else is handling their lives gracefully while we’re struggling alone. The truth is that plenty of them are struggling, too. There are no mums who are doing it all, it just seems that way from afar. Please keep reaching out and being brave. You’ll find your sisters sooner that way. They’re out there, desperately hoping to meet you, too.

As I read this I kept saying in my mind Yes and Amen. I struggled a lot with my body after pregnancy. My husband cheated on me and looked at me like I was disgusting, like something was wrong with me.

There was something wrong. I wasn’t loving myself. The Creator reaffirmed His love for me and told me to spend more time with myself. You are absolutely right about doing what makes you feel strong. I began swimming again, something I loved as a child and loss 30lbs.

When appropriate I share pieces of my story with women and let them know that no matter what they look like Our Creator loves every part of us.

For my husband, I discovered he didn’t know how to love himself either, so he truly couldn’t love anyone. We’re both in a healing process. Thank you for this post

I love that your journey resulted in greater self-love for both of you, however challenging a process it was to get there. I’m also so happy to hear that you found your way back to a sense of strength! Thank you for sharing your story with other women. That is so powerful, and needed.

I am a dad,(Robert) and I am sure there are more males about like me,and my belief is that motherhood is as a precious jewel,hidden beneath view for as long as is needed, then discovered,worked on,polished, released and left to shine on our world.I have witnessed,and felt the emptiness of the loss and last breath of my partner, and believe me,the only things of value that were left behind were our children, and the love we shared with others.Nothing else mattered. Mothering and parenthood are the most fantastic,rewarding,powerful and influential roles a human can take on.They are more important than anything else.Sure, it may be nice to “look” physically the way we were before having children, but really,come on, life has changed,our beautiful babies have changed us,made us so much better people and although hard work,our lives are enriched beyond expectations.As I have got older there is nothing more attractive,eye catching,and enjoyable to behold than a confidant,happy,relaxed,strong,mother with her children. They glow with a radiance and I reckon other guys recognise this but just maybe are unable to fully understand what it is all about. Just an older males point of view. Great article Beth.

Thank you so much for your beautiful, affirming perspective, Robert. Your love for your partner is palpable and your reverence for motherhood and parenthood a real gift. I agree that there are many men who feel as you do, though becasue it’s not a culturally condoned perspective, the whole subject can feel confusing and conflicting. I so appreciate you reaching out and honoring us all.

Thank you.
As I sit here 7 weeks postpartum with the task of writing a thank you letter to my body for my last new mom workshop meeting, I’m struggling.
I’m struggling finding anything in my current state to feel “thankful” for. Minus the ways I nourish and comfort my son, I just detest the new normal I’m in. I cry at pictures and avoid my reflection.
Your words made me realize it’s because what I see in the mirror and through a lens doesn’t reflect what I feel. I went from pre pregnancy never feeling like enough to feeling so very “too much” post pregnancy.
Without the little voice inside my head, the voice coached by the media and fostered by comparing myself to others, I feel like I’m enough. I’m made for and by my son. I’m cherished by my beloved. And I’m celebrated by my friends. I just have to find a way to see myself as enough.

Thank you so much for sharing where you are, Tara. You are so not alone. The postpartum period is so challenging for so many reasons, but you clearly illuminated one of the greatest struggles we face. If we listen to those who are telling us how to be beautiful and worthy, we never will be. It’s a trap. “I am made for and by my son. I’m cherished by my beloved. And I’m celebrated by my friends. I just have to find a way to see myself as enough.” This is so beautiful. May you learn to love yourself with as much tenderness and heart as you clearly love others.

I like so many others, am deeply touched and inspired by the self compassion and raw awareness that is rising in me from reading your post, Beth! As a woman who became a mother “on purpose” through adoption, I can say with deep assurance that the gifts of greater self love, compassion and vulnerability can come to us even though our soft, wise bellies may not bear the stretch marks of giving birth to our children. For all mothers…all parents, really, are stretched in the most meaningful ways when we allow ourselves to deeply need and be needed by others.

Beth, your exquisite reflections on how our collective self-acceptance and love can be such a healing force in the world holds such a potent truth. And your words also bring to mind how much our precious planet is in such profound need of “mothering” on so many levels. Thank you!

I am so grateful for your touching affirmation and beautifully articulated perspective, Shelli. Thank you for expanding this conversation to include ALL who mother, no matter the circumstances. Truer words have not been spoken than these: “For all mothers…all parents, really, are stretched in the most meaningful ways when we allow ourselves to deeply need and be needed by others.” Thank you.

I couldn’t agree with you more! After 7 term-pregnancies and 2 late first trimester miscarriages my body is covered with stretch marks, I weigh close to what I weighed when I got pregnant with our first child, but my body is in no way the same shape even with working out daily. I love my body the way it is now. It is strong, healthy, vibrant, and vigorous! I worked darn hard to earn every one of the those stretch marks, spider veins, and varicose veins and I am proud of them. I wear them as a badge of honor. As much as I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant it was also hard work. That hard work changed me into who I am today – more gentle, more patient, more understanding, less ‘rough around the edges’, more compassionate, more loving. Pregnancy, breastfeeding, and motherhood have been important, no, critical, parts of my education is how to be a better human being. I am thankful for all they taught me.

Amen, Judith. It’s so refreshing to hear about people who are able to circumvent cultural conditioning and truly embrace their body as it changes. “That hard work changed me into who I am today – more gentle, more patient, more understanding, less ‘rough around the edges’, more compassionate, more loving.” YES!!

Loved the words of comfort, the words of hope, the words of understanding.
My hope is that every woman can find her original self.
We are born each original art works, so why do we end up being a MacDonald’s hamburger, or wishing that on our children?

It took me years to realize that “I” was in charge of who I needed to become and be.
Loving compassionate parents loved me raised me and supported me.
So supporting other young woman on their journey should be part of our calling.
I believe in supporting others, but the villages I have lived in were not the kind of support I needed.
Become a Seeker, become knowledgeable, become a resource, become a supporter, but never a woman/mother/friend who thinks they know what is best for other mothers.
Others have tread the path before us, many jave cried the tears that watered the roses in their hearts.
Many things we have to learn all by ourselves, just that “human” component of life.
Each of us creates our own “life quilt”, and each is so unique.
The only wisdom I can impart is this….your body and your gut need to be nourished. Today’s world is ruining our guts, depression is becoming an epidemic. All because we as mom’s do not care for our inner body. Eat well, don’t take drugs, get sunshine, don’t think that beauty comes out of a bottle.
We are killing ourselves with xenoestrogens, fake food, EMF’s and what New York dictates what we should be.
The soft but wrinkled hands of my grandmother who bore 12 children with out the aid of a doctor, who washed all of the clothing, who gardened and cooked, who accepted her body for what it was..A mom!
Tiny, determined, and never a word of complaint ever passed her lips.
She is my hero, my queen, and I miss her so. If I could be half the woman she was I would be honored.
To each, strive to be that “original art work”n choose the path less traveled, be who you feel good being.
Wonder not what others think of you, but wonder how you can grow, sing and be.

Each one of you is precious, like a beautiful flower. I am a Pansy , and never wanted to be a Rose.
Look to the earth to refresh your needs, go barefooted, soak in the sun, wade in a creek, and honor your need to refresh your soul.
The dishes can wait, but your soul can not.

This is exactly what needed to be written in the way you wrote it was brilliant. I have felt this…myself….and for others….it inspired me too…I became a mothering arts group leader…..and then realized I still had things in myself to work on….so that is what I am doing. Thank you! I am keeping your info so when I begin helping other women again, I have you in my “feminine” tool box!

Wow. Thank you so much for these powerful words. They speak so deeply to what I believe is needed in regards to masculine and feminine balance in our world today. Not yet a mother, but excited to be one someday, I will return to these words often. Thank you.

Rock on Beth!! This is beautiful, I am not yet a mother but hope to be in the near future and feel very empowered by this. I am a Healer on my path, living my purpose and I just feel so validated when I see other women redefining the divine feminine and speaking up about it. Thank you!

I adored this piece and shared it with my vast network of new mothers and friends in my yoga community. I think you would enjoy http://www.wombyoga.com- a woman named Uma Dinsmore-Tuli wrote a book called Yoni Shakti. It is a masterwork on the divine feminine embodiment. She covers all the life stages and sees the rites of passage through a woman’s life as sacred and holy and never to be ashamed of. I think you would enjoy her work. She lives in England but is coming to the Americas next year.

Thank you so much for sharing my piece with your community and for letting me know about both Womb Yoga and Yoni Shakti. I tried that link but it didn’t work. I’m thinking this may be it?: http://www.wombyoga.org/ Grateful for you!

Yes, Jerri! I actually think “Nat Geo” boobs are the norm, it’s just that everyone’s so ashamed that they prop them up and pad them and pretend they’re perkier than they really are. Thanks for reaching out!

Honestly reading this 18 months after the birth of my baby with tonnes of self loathing and anxiety and medication you have just hit the nail on the head for me! I’m trying far too hard to be the person I was before I became a mother . I never really have been a person to show emotion or affection until my baby arrived but I try to hide all my emotions so people don’t think I’m weak and vulnerable and after reading this I really feel like that kind of pressure I’m putting on myself to be pre mother hood me has gotten so bad I’ve ended up on medication!

Thank you for reaching out, Barbara. You are not alone. So many of us try and try to revert back to who we were, only to feel depressed and distraught over the inner conflict that creates. May you find the strength (which will sometimes feel like weakness!) to step bravely and gently forward into an expanded version of yourself. Sending love.

Wonderful piece! The paragraph about recognizing the challenges inherent to mothers in our generation struck a particular note for me. I am a 68 y/o mother of four, among them three daughters who have, collectively, five daughters. I am consistly being made aware of the ways motherhood and mothering have changed just in my lifetime: the expectations, the theory, the methodology, the philosophy. Now, more than ever, support for mothers who are committed to a meaningful life experience for themselves, their children, and their families at large is critical. A more than occasional pat on the back from a foremother (I love that word!) on a day when you are getting absolutely nothing right, can go a long way toward making the abiding difference between feelings of worth and worthlessness. And when a mama feels worthy and capable, it goes a long way toward being empowering. It goes a long way toward being enough.

Thank you, thank you Becca! Your voice and perspective is so very appreciated and NEEDED. I agree that so much has changed in such a short time. The expectations of women and mothers have never been greater or more unrealistic. This is pure gold: “Now, more than ever, support for mothers who are committed to a meaningful life experience for themselves, their children, and their families at large is critical. A more than occasional pat on the back from a foremother (I love that word!) on a day when you are getting absolutely nothing right, can go a long way toward making the abiding difference between feelings of worth and worthlessness. And when a mama feels worthy and capable, it goes a long way toward being empowering. It goes a long way toward being enough.” xoxoxoxo

Beth, thank you for these beautiful and encouraging words. I’ve been feeling so many of these things but not quite able to put it so eloquently. And the timing of reading this couldn’t be better as I’ve been working on tapping into my heart center to reimagine what a life purpose and gift to this world may look like when I am out of the baby years. I have decided to take a post partum doula training this fall and start building an offering to support new mamas and families through this incredibly powerful transformation. I feel so reinvigorated, inspired and full of purpose having settled on this and can not express how much finding this direction has allowed me to start relaxing into all of the powerful changes that motherhood has stirred within me. I agree that powerful heart-led women leaders are what we need so desperately on this Earth. With deep gratitude for your words, and boundless love Aleah

I had three miscarriages after the birth of my now 47 year old daughter. They wanted to do hysterectomy and everything else but I refuse 13 years later I gave birth to my now 34-year-old daughter who came out screaming nurse constantly for three years, held onto my five for dear life . She was both a violin prodigy and a gifted child and being an older parent at 38 I had much more patients and nurtured her every need. Now I’m 71 and first losing the weight after the birth of my 34-year-old which is probably some metabolic happening and I don’t regret one minute of my life with her. Advise the most beautiful fulfilling years and now unfortunately my 47-year-old is being treated for lymphoma she is director of one of the largest physical fitness centers in America and so fit and healthy that after her second chemo, other than being bald,and a surgery to stabilize her left leg before chemo because she said a chance of losing that leg, she is truly wonder woman. No pain killers no stopping her from going to work for some hours having two teenage boys and I just pray that she can continue and finish her chemo treatment and then radiation just as strong as she is now

Thanks for this so true writing on the most beautiful thing in creation: motherhood!
I feel this also and so happy to see there are more and more mums that share this vision!
It’s the 1st time i read you but for sure won’t be the last! Blessings

You said it all, thank you. I love your writing, your vision, your experience, clarity, and that you go to (what I imagine to be) great lengths to get it all on the page to share with us. We have a lot of work to do to change all of this, and we need all the voices and visionaries that are willing to share. I imagine you will, and already are, contribute a great deal to our evolution as women. Starting of course with your beautiful family. Thank you again!

I don’t think I’ve ever left a comment on any online article I’ve ever read, but this one really struck me. After having my 3 kiddos (7,4,2), I’m not sure really about my identity anymore. I’ve had people ask me, then lead me to asking myself: what makes me happy? And the honest answer is, I don’t know. Before kids, I knew (or thought I knew) a lot about my identity: I was an athlete, teacher, do-it-all. After having kids, and leaving (at least for now) the teaching profession, I really didn’t know who I identified as anymore. And that’s because I’ve changed so much, I don’t think I’ve been able to keep up. Becoming a mother has been the most amazing adventure ever, but it leaves me a bit lost. I don’t know what my new “me” will be. It’s such an overwhelming feeling…not knowing truths about yourself. Hopefully by being vulnerable, by admitting that I don’t know who my new “me” is, I’ll be able to let down my walls of trying to be who I once was (or thought I was). Thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to not know right now…it’ll come 🙂

Such a powerful read. As a woman/mother firmly entranced in my 60’s now, I can apply so many of your powerful words to stepping into this time and not trying to bounce back to 30, 40 or even 50.
It’s a whole nother story! How my body changes, my desires and needs, my herstory, my goals….. The powerful feminine essence….. a much stronger power than the masculine.
Lovely, powerful essay Beth.❤️

This is an awesome read, but I still feel that many women let having children be an excuse to not be in the best state of health that they could be in…we can choose to be fit and healthy now, or pay the enormous medical bills associated with all of the diet related chronic medical conditions plaguing our country later.

If you’re doing the right exercises and eating properly, avoiding harmful foods/habits and have a positive mindset about food and fitness, your body shd become stronger and more fit…the formula never fails…

If you are exercising everyday as stated, you shd feel empowered by your results.. This is not an attack, so pls don’t take it as such.

I am very comfortable with my stretch marks and the sag in my breasts since having my boys. It’s part of motherhood…I’ve embraced it! I’ve always been athletic…wanting to feel fit, healthy and strong is not to appeal to masculine demands….it’s for my own sense of accomplishment, wellbeing and confidence. I love fitting in my clothes and not wearing spanks or whatever else women wear these days to look slimmer. I love my curves, and I don’t want to wear waist cincher or spanks, etc. I want to just wear clothes I love! So I train hard, and eat right to have the body I want, for ME…not to please anyone else…

I’m currently training for my first fitness competition…it’s been an amazing journey for me. I’m chronicling my fitness journey on social media (Dr. Di Fit Life).

So I hear you on one level, but then I don’t on another.

Fitness is vital! Not to fit a mold created by a masculine culture, but to empower ourselves to be our very best selves for US, and no one else. I am passionate about my body, it’s my temple, I respect it and treat it well.

Beth can you clarify why ” western women” specifically? ” Because awakened western women are the first women in the history of the world with a real shot at reviving the sacred feminine to the degree her presence is needed.”

I appreciate you asking, as this choice of wording seems to have struck a nerve with several people. My thinking on this started some years ago when the Dalai Lama stated that, “The world will be saved by the western woman.” At the time I heard his bold prediction, I was living in Chiapas (the most impoverished state in Mexico), and being deeply affected by the poverty all around me. More specifically, my heart was being broken open by the indigenous mothers whom I witnessed enduring unthinkable injustices. I became convicted during those years to use my position of relative freedom, influence, and privaledge to encourage the empowerment of said “western women” (who happen to be the women on earth I can most easily relate with) so that our collective capacity to alleviate the suffering of less-advantaged mothers would be strengthened. This is the driving force behind most everything I do. It is the greatest passion in my heart.

By “western women,” I simply meant women living in “developed” nations (also a triggering word for some), or the “first world” (which seems to be an even more outdated classification), with freedom of speech and expression, earning power, laws contributing to their safety, and whose basic survival needs are generally met. I will be rethinking my wording, however, as the last thing I care to do is divide or isolate women further.

Thank you for drawing attention to this distinction. I welcome any thoughts you may have.

I have read this piece every night for the past five days. Thank you for writing this. It has somehow made me feel more whole after having my second child. I’ve shared with moms, friends, and clients. Thank you for verbalizing the unspeakable. We don’t bounce back. We move forward.

I feel like there is still some absolute thinking about this and this blog talks about the grey areas. I am squishier, feel somewhat weaker, more tired…but I am more available to compassion, empathy, and laughter. Rather than getting my body back, (was it that great to go back to, compared to what I know I am capable of now?), I want to come from where I am now. But where am I now? Fashion really needs to shift, for sure. That bums me out. I want to feel sexier, more out there, more colorful and fun. Where are the clothes for post-maternity? Let’s keep talking about this and breaking it down into specific things and ways we can grow as a community of mamas…

[…] The world needs the transformation motherhood brings about it us. The softening, the tenderness, the vulnerability, the shift in prioritization, the depth of love — these are some of the qualities our hurting world needs most. – Beth Berry […]

[…] An interesting commentary that looks at the moral outrage and sometimes criminal charges brought on parents who leave children unsupervised…“It’s not that risks to children have increased, provoking an increase in moral outrage when children are left unattended. Instead, it could be that moral attitudes toward parenting have changed, such that leaving children unsupervised is now judged morally wrong. And because it’s judged morally wrong, people overestimate the risk.”DEAR MOTHERS: WE’RE NOT MEANT TO “BOUNCE BACK” | revolutionfromhome.com […]

Your article is so beautiful, so true. Look at ideals of beauty through history. In order for the beauty of the feminine to work via motherhood, a trustwothy husband is needed. Making the right choice there is essential for financial and emotional vulnerability, and harder to find than ever.

[…] The world needs the transformation motherhood brings about it us. The softening, the tenderness, the vulnerability, the shift in prioritization, the depth of love — these are some of the qualities our hurting world needs most. – Beth Berry […]

I am 59 years old and have 3 beautiful, grown children. I have always had a strong sense of self and power. Outside sources have not really had strong influences on who I perceive myself to be. My family’s and my own emotional, physical, and medical health have always, from day one, been of utmost importance to me. I have always been the kind of person who read everything on a subject, and did as much research on it as I could, before making an intelligent decision. This drive and determination to learn as much as possible has always been with me from my early years through young motherhood and now into my more mature age. It was inherited from a strong determined, loving mother and father and a loving and supportive extended family.
The self loathing, insecure women you refer to in your article are just looking for validation, and probably have grown up and sadly become mothers with very low self esteem. How sad for them that they look to the outside world for that love that may have been denied to them growing up or in current relationships.
I feel that finding inner peace and self confidence comes from a lifetime of being loved and supported emotionally.
There’s a lot of work these women will need to do to fight “Madison Avenue” if that’s all they have on their bag to start.
Luckily there’s many support groups and individual counseling that women can seek out and take advantage of to help them find their inner beauty and strength.
My personal thoughts on motherhood is that is the best thing that I ever did and continue to do. My body is beautiful because I see myself that way, not because someone or some company decides it is or tells me it is.
Keep on loving your children and staying involved and being supportive!
June Ledner

[…] We’re not meant to “bounce back” after babies. Not physically, not emotionally, and definitely not spiritually. We’re meant to step forward into more awakened, more attuned, and more powerful versions of ourselves. Motherhood is a sacred, beautiful, honorable evolution, not the shameful shift into a lesser-than state of being that our society makes it seem. Zitat: Dear Mothers: We’re Not Meant to “Bounce Back” […]

Great article. As a mother of 5 and now grandmother of 5, I give you a big high five (five little grandsons, love to high five) for your messages. I am also the creator of a healing arts practice that promotes and empowers (mostly women) to live true to our hearts and souls. I am forever still learning to love and accept my body..in all it’s changes and glorious life giving ways!

Wow. This was probably the most mentally embracing post I have read yet. I felt myself open up a little more and smile at the thought of my stomach as it is now, my jiggly thighs, and those ever child bearing hips each of myself and sisters have inherited from our mother,and grandmothers. I feel a little more “umph” of empowerment about the fact of how much I enjoy being a mother. Makes me want to start searching for Mommie and ofcourse the little one groups in my area here

Your writing really moved me. My name is Ivonne, daughter of a single mom in Costa Rica, and now raising my daughter as a divorced mom in Los Angeles. I will really love to connect with you, as I have been working on a Mom Photo Essay called “Observations of daily life ” for a while… And the content I got from all these moms I photographed is precious. But I am a photographer and writing is just not my thing.
I’ve been contemplating the idea to do something with my images and the information I got from my short interviews to the moms I photographed.
But life is busy and I just haven’t take the time. But reading your article just put tears of joy and felt totally connected to every single word you said.

Feel free to contact me if you’d like to connect.

Thank you for your honest, beautiful, motivating writing!

Ps. If you’d like to take a peek to my project go to my blog on my website and look for “Observations of daily life”

Beautiful article, Beth. We met briefly in the summer of 2015 in a tea shop in Asheville. I was with my husband, Matt Nelson and my son, Eliot — we were traveling around the country, teaching workshops in Embodied Ecology, and searching for Home. We landed in Boise, ID in October, and have been digging in here, ever since. I am just transitioning my practice as a Nutritional Therapist to working with women in their times of sacred transition — especially around nourishing themselves for fertility, pregnancy, and learning to nourish their babes beyond breastfeeding. It’s such a powerful time for we women, and I love supporting and guiding others into and through these transitions, encouraging radical authenticity and fierce self-compassion. I intend to bookmark this post and pass it along to many women. Thank you for your work and gifts to the world! Be well. ~Kendy

The universe must have aligned me to your writing on this day and time when I was most vulnerable and in need of clarity. The transition into motherhood has been so challenging for me and when reading this, I was instantly awakened. Thank you for this Beth, you have me feeling like I’m not crazy and that I’m not alone.

I Love this article I will support you any way I can. I am no longer a young mother dealing with the issues you talk about, but I remember well, i am now the grandmother embrassing her gray hair aging skin let’s be honest real and ourselfs.

Dear Beth, I am in my early 60s and I have 5 beautiful children who were all breastfeed. I brought my first 4 children up on my own as the marriage dissolved after 8 years. I had the 5th child in a second relationship. I also brought him together with the others up on my own. The only strength I had that kept me going was Spiritual. Therefore l have to disagree with your statement “definitely not spiritually” Even now, spirituality is the only thing that keeps me going when times are tough. As for the rest of your message, I never had the time to think about my looks or what people thought. I was too busy working and bringing my children up. Only now that they have all grown up, I have time for myself. Everything I ever had and now have, I have God to thank for everthing. The good the bad and the ugly parts in my life as it has ALL made me a stronger more independent person.
As for asking for help for anything, that, is the last option. If I cannot do it (whatever it is)than I will ask for help. To do otherwise is not empowering in my eyes, it is needy. We came here to empower ourselves, to know how strong or weak we are. We then learn to strengthen our weaknesses.
I do not colour my hair or wear makeup as all that is simply unnecessary and superficial. I do like to dress well for myself. Most things I do now are for myself foremost as I have given most of my life to my children, now, it is about me. Not in a selfish way as my children are still around.😆 However, it is now me time and I still love my children being around and I too love being around them without enmeshing in each others lifes. Irene

Yes, yes, yes.💖As I sit in the last trimester of my 4th pregnancy, your words resonate so deeply with me and remind me of the truths so easily forgotten when we focus on the wrong “ideals”. Thank you for bringing these words to light. Bless you, lady.✨

Beth- this is beautiful. While you can’t capture everything for all mothers I want to be a voice for some that may feel a bit excluded from the “mother” definition here. Not all women give birth to their children – but still feel the same feelings of needing to be something that is not in harmony with the vulnerability that comes with age and womanhood. This vulnerability is not always ushered into ones life through having children.

As a woman who who has the loving markings in & on her body by the children she loved and lost but with no living proof of the mother that she is- I’m acutely aware of the values placed on women in our society of what a women “should” be and achieve. Yet- the place I felt the most alienation from my discovered vulnerability was amongst most women who had no way of truely accepting me to be what I was.

My story of finding myself alone to birth my son who had died was one of the single most empowering and loneliest experiences of my life. Thinking on how the vestiges of motherhood in “good” circumstances are rejected as you so eloquently write about – can you imagine the rejection so many women experience when the don’t “achieve” the perfect image of motherhood? It is often treated with such aversion & fear that it’s often not considered. The wish of inclusive femininity -that acknowledges all the struggles and losses that comes with motherhood as an aspect of womanhood- is my hope.

I love your encouragement and strength, thank you! May I ask you to speak of what you may know of your women friends who are not mothers, their journeys? I have been so blessed by women who have not become mothers, they are often judged by those who have as not having been fully women, I disagree with all my self on that, vulnerability and strength are grown in all kinds of lives.

[…] would like to develop a healthier way to feel confident about the work that I do. I recently read a blog post by a woman who offered, what I found to be, profound insight about the role of mothering in our […]

About Me

Hi! I’m Beth Berry, writer, life coach, adventurer, mother of four daughters, and hopelessly hopeful human.
This is a space where I show up wholeheartedly (however imperfectly), speak the truths of my heart, and contemplate life’s messy, sacred mysteries.
Make yourself at home! All are welcome here.