Tag Archives: Puff

Some hateful bitches are talking smack about you. A shitty friend adds to the gossip. A mediocre friend remains sheepishly silent. An exemplary friend ferociously defends you. You trip and fall flat on your ass in front of a crowd of people. A shitty friend laughs. A mediocre friend backs away fearing contamination by third-party embarrassment. An exemplary friend scoops you up, asks if you are alright, and loudly proclaims “nothing to see here” as she escorts you to the bar for a recovery drink.You get engaged and share the news. A shitty friend informs you she slept with your fiancé a few years ago. A mediocre friend offers a bland congratulations. An exemplary friend says “I’m so happy for you” and really means it. Your Dad dies. A shitty friends sends you a sympathetic text. A mediocre friend sends flowers. An exemplary friend sends weed.

Went bong shopping on a whim with Hil yesterday and she spotted this beaut on the top shelf of the head shop. Meet AugustusClarc. Gus for short. At 9 millimeters thick, Gus is one durable, bitchy, glass-on-glass queen. He’s a sturdy, flamboyant, fat, flat bottom. Dontcha just love rainbows?Beyond mere aesthetics and charm, practical considerations influence the purchase of a bong. First and foremost, the glass must be thick. Pay more for a substantial piece that can survive life’s hard knocks. The tube to base ratio matters. If the tube is too short relative to the size of the base, water pulls up the tube resulting in that unpleasant toilet splashback sensation. I prefer a bong that fits comfortably from lap to mouth enabling the user to balance the instrument hands-free. Don’t be seduced by the megahuge gimmick hamster wheel bongs. While fun to look at in the store, they’re impossible to clean and difficult to pass in a communal circle. Some of those devices almost require you to mount them to get a good hit. Trust me when I say they aren’t worth the trouble. Besides, you’ll be sad you paid so much when one of your clumsy friends breaks it.

When you find your perfect glass slipper, upgrade the slide as the standard issue bowls are almost always shitty. Negotiate. At many headshops, clerks have wide discretion with pricing and steep discounts are not uncommon.

I’ve been attending my fair share of live shows lately, and that means I’ve been annoyed by all the douchebag behavior of the general public. Let’s review the basic commandments of concert-going, shall we?Thou shalt not wear a band t-shirt to that band’s concert. We already know you are a fan. You bought a ticket. Attendant commandments include: I shall not blast the performing band from my car stereo while waiting in gridlock in the parking lot of the concert venue, and under no circumstances will I emulate the dress of the performers like a pathetic, dorky lemming. All you dress-alike Jack White fans looked like Mennonites. I shall respect my fellow concert goers and not place the world’s largest tarp on the ground in general admission in an attempt to save room for my six late-arriving friends. Conversely, thou shalt not dip in the show after the curtain drops and expect to shove thy way to the front. Early birds get the good seats. Late arrivals expect to compromise on proximity to the stage or encounter intense wrath from the long-suffering and dedicated early birds. If your late ass wants a view, spring for the expensive assigned seating. I shall further respect my co-fans by actually watching the performance rather than spending the whole show with my back to the stage trying to get high. But on that note…

Thou shalt share thy bud.

Thou shalt resist the temptation to sing along to every song regardless if thy know all the words.

Thou shalt use the phrases “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” liberally when negotiating the crowd.

Thou shalt not bring a beach ball. Who are you anyway? Every fucking show with the fucking beach ball. Enough with the beach balls.

If the day after Christmas has left you with a holiday hangover, consider using the last precious days of the year to accomplish a few unmet goals. Rather than waiting until NYE to make some phony resolution, begin the new year with the confidence that comes from triumphing over obstacles. First off, your space is filthy, so a good pre-New Year purge wouldn’t hurt, right? Like when is the last time you really mopped? What difference would 3 hours dedicated to tidiness make in your life? What impact could a donation of all your unused crap mean to someone in need? Now is your chance to make up for snubbing that Salvation Army bell ringer this year. It is never too late for generosity.If your goal this year was to cultivate fun, you still have 5 days to plan an execute a bitching NYE party. How about a trade-your-most-hideous-gift exchange party? The fiesta provides another avenue to declutter (see #1) and an opportunity to trade it for something you might actually like, even if only ironically.

Schedule preventative care appointments. Now is as good a time as any to schedule dentist, mammogram, colonoscopy and all those other screenings that can save you from critical malfunctions. Maintenance is everything. I care for you and want you healthy for 2o12 and beyond.

Here’s to rising to the challenge of accomplishing more in the last week of the year than bong hits and Teen Mom 2 marathons.