Social Question

A blind date. Is that a dealbreaker for you?

I asked my son (out of the mouths of babes) what would be a dealbreaker for him in terms of a girl’s physical handicap (challenge). Would he date someone blind? Yes. Would he date someone in a wheelchair? Here he hesitated but said no, he thinks he wouldn’t.

I pointed out that there are women who compete in the Olympics, swim and play basketball and tennis in a wheelchair, and that it doesn’t necessarily mean they are helpless. He agreed, but still said no, it was a dealbreaker for him.

He’s a teen and doesn’t even date yet – and he’s entitled to his opinion which will probably change with time anyway.

Smoking, lack of ideas or interests, Neanderthal opinions, takes religion too seriously, is not humanistic, not creative, and, I think now, not that we would get into it on a first date, not very sexual. I am tired of being with women who are not crazy about sex.

@dc10 You are getting on my nerves, and I’m sure, on everybody else’s. You are completely disregarding etiquette by double and triple posting (it’s called hijacking here, and won’t earn you any more lurve – trust me). Your grammar and etiquette, hell, your whole style of writing and contribution, well, sucks.

I am tired of flagging everything you write – but your multiple crappy posts have completely derailed my questions. 10 of the 22 posts here are yours, and you’ve said nothing.

erm.. actually its called having a open conversation?!? ive got plenty of questions thank you very much . My style of writing?! lol what the hell?! my grammer and etiquette!? well you know what i would rather have really rubbish grammer, and as for etiquette you dont actually know the first thing about me to comment!?! its my post so me replying to other people is not hi jackin its called talking?!?! well in this case typing but in any case not a lot different really! Hows about you actually take your own advice and think of Looking at yourself before you even think to comment on who you think i am or anything else about me for that matter…cuz man that sucks one whole load more than my writing grammer or ettiquette, and if you are like that with people then no wonder they have crappy ettiquette around you! think on it! thank you goobye!

You’ve been here a day and have asked two questions – one with lol and masturbating in the title. You continue to disregard evreything about etiquette, including, but not limited to: double and triple posting (one after the other after the other – instead of just keeping all the wisdom to one post – I told you, it’s called hijacking); you write without capitals or any kind of punctuation, and you use more lol’s than even Coloma is allowed.

Plus, and this is the most important part, you don’t listen. I explained everything in my post – yet I have to repeat it all again. And there you go – writing again – though I haven’t even finished this.

You won’t make friends in this community this way. @ucme doesn’t usually hug me – this should be your indication you’re on the wrong track.

In terms of personality, an unwillingness to learn is a dealbreaker (unwillingness, and not just a lack of education or life experience). But I’ll still have sex with them, if they’re hot.

In terms of physical issues – well, we need to find the other person attractive. And there are certain physical things that I probably wouldn’t be able to get over (dealbreakers). Extreme obesity, severe burn scars over a good percentage of a person’s face and body, significant disabilities and deformities – I don’t think I would be able to involve myself romantically.

hm well you see I really beg to differ when you love someone and really love them , you love them warts, scars and all wether its physical or mental or both. Thats kind of all I have to say on that matter to be honest though one more thing I do care to add, If someones really only on a date with me just for how i damn well look, then that for me is a total dealbreaker!

You can’t love someone until you know them – the question is assuming that these “dealbreakers” are present and clear from the beginning, or early enough on that you can’t get over them. So love doesn’t really come into play.

@dc10 – you can’t really say that – if you don’t know a person then you don’t really hate them – you just hate what you’ve gleaned or what you’ve been told. People throw around the words hate and love a lot more than they actually can mean them. Hate is as strong and as personal a thing as love.

Homophobia, transphobia, racism, sexism, religious fundamentalism. All related to hate, in some way or another.

I would also balk at dating someone with severe mental health problems. After having once dated a woman who thought that the best coping mechanism was to slash her arms with a razor blade, I would rather steer clear of that too.

I have so many dealbreakers:
Unkempt appearance (clothing wise and body wise)
lack of personal hygiene, including dirty fingernails and oily hair
lack of sense of humour
laughing at animal cruelties or joking about it
dislikes cats or doesn’t want any pets
someone who wants children with me
if they expect sex on the first (or even second) date. In fact, anyone who expects sex before the relationship becomes serious, i don’t have casual sex.
someone with STD’s of any sort
I’m not yet sure whether someone who’s religious will automatically be a dealbreaker, but an over religious person sure will be a dealbreaker.
If they are very overweight
Someone who doesn’t care about eating healthy or living any kind of healthy lifestyle
A police person or anyone having anything to do with the military
Someone who’s negative or a pessimist
Someone who lives with their parents, and doesn’t have a very good and acceptable reason as to why they’re living their temporarily.
Someone who has an unpleasant aroma about them in any way.
Being hateful about anything or anyone for no good reason, or reasons not acceptable to me.
Someone who does trophy hunting. Or any kind of hunting or fishing actually.
Someone who totally laughs off alternative meds.
A drinker, a smoker, someone who takes drugs of any kind.
Someone with a DUI.
A person who has cheated on any previous partner.
And the list goes on, this is only what i could think of now, but i have to shopping, so toodles!

@wundayatta That’s true, however happening to see things that you know you don’t like, cannot be avoided, and you must ask yourself whether you are willing to live with those traits or not. Some are not willing to live with certain traits, and that’s normal in considering what partner to choose.

@NaturallyMe Aside from hating the locution, I hate the way of thinking. You can’t know what the deal is on the first date. They may be the deal breaker way on the first date, but they may not be at other times.

Relationships get built, and they get built out of imperfect parts. People think they get the most perfect parts they can find, get married, and then discover the person is not so perfect after all. I have seen so many people focus on the draw backs to a date that of course they are no longer interested. The expectation seems to be perfection, and anything less will not be acceptable. I know a number of people who are still single for that reason.

I’m trying to imagine a first date with @NaturallyMe – and the questionnarre I’d have to fill out to get a second date.

Unkempt appearance (clothing wise and body wise)
lack of personal hygiene, including dirty fingernails and oily hair
lack of sense of humour
laughing at animal cruelties or joking about it
dislikes cats or doesn’t want any pets
someone who wants children with me
if they expect sex on the first (or even second) date. In fact, anyone who expects sex before the relationship becomes serious, i don’t have casual sex.
someone with STD’s of any sort
I’m not yet sure whether someone who’s religious will automatically be a dealbreaker, but an over religious person sure will be a dealbreaker.
If they are very overweight
Someone who doesn’t care about eating healthy or living any kind of healthy lifestyle
A police person or anyone having anything to do with the military
Someone who’s negative or a pessimist
Someone who lives with their parents, and doesn’t have a very good and acceptable reason as to why they’re living their temporarily.
Someone who has an unpleasant aroma about them in any way.
Being hateful about anything or anyone for no good reason, or reasons not acceptable to me.
Someone who does trophy hunting. Or any kind of hunting or fishing actually.
Someone who totally laughs off alternative meds.
A drinker, a smoker, someone who takes drugs of any kind.
Someone with a DUI.
A person who has cheated on any previous partner.

@wundayatta What’s wrong with that way of thinking when selecting a partner? I agree that trying to look for a perfect partner is probably unreasonable and most likely an impossible task, but for me, there are certain things i’m not willing to live with in a partner, just as you’re not willing to live with certain traits either – everybody has something that they will not accept in a possible partner. All i’m doing is knowing upfront what it is that i don’t like for sure – this will save me time and grief in pursuing a relationship that i know i won’t be happy with later on. Just because i’ve expressed a long list, doesn’t mean that anyone who doesn’t have any of those things is a perfect partner, but i’m not willing to have a partner that has any of those things.
Refer to it in whatever terms you wish (if not for deal breaker), but either way, there are certain traits that make someone less desirable to you, and as a result, you’ll not want to see them again and pursue a relationship with them. Knowing what you don’t like for sure in a partner will save you a lot of trouble and hassle and possible heart break in the future.

Edit: also, everybody goes through periods where they discover things that they don’t like about a partner, things which often lead to a break up. How can someone ever be at fault in their way of thinking just because they know of a list of things that put them off from the beginning, instead of waiting to find out these things along the way, or ignoring them in the beginning in the hopes of learning to live with it only to find that they actually can’t live such a partner?

@NaturallyMe I agree with your sentence everybody has something that they will not accept in a possible partner. But you have a whole list that you are not allowing for any room for someone that does not meet your standards. I hope you are never divorced or widowed, as I think you will rethink your list. The older you get, some of these things just don’t matter any more.

@NaturallyMe Of course you are right about that. It still bothers me. I guess I think I’ve seen too many people be single forever because they were unable to make compromises, even with people who met most of their criteria. These are people who really want to have a partner.

I think that what bothers me about the attitude of ruling out people from the beginning is that it makes you look for flaws instead of strengths. You will surely find flaws.

There are certainly some bottom line things like smoking or chronic lying or any of a number of other things that make it impossible to be with a person. But you’ll find these things out pretty damn soon, even if you are focusing on strengths.

Maybe you look for flaws but do have an attitude of looking for strengths, too. However I’m sure there are a lot of people who lose out because they are focusing on flaws. I hear it all the time in the way people judge their dates. It’s not helpful, I think.

I wouldn’t say that they’re unreasonable…but they sure are uppity. Particularly the “Oh yes, and i forgot to mention, someone who is less intelligent than me is a complete dealbreaker as well” part.

Lord, how do you even judge that! Plus, and I don’t want to get too nasty, but I have a slight problem with the judgment implied in that sentence, when the sentence itself has some pretty clear capitalization flaws.

For me, the reaction against your list is that it is full of broad generalizations described as “dealbreakers.” That’s a pretty severe view. Although each item taken on its own might be reasonable…all together paints a dreary picture.

@NaturallyMe Were these the same requirements that you have always had, or has the list evolved since you found your mate?

The reason I ask is that when I was much younger, the “requirements” consisted of three. After years of dating, the items have changed and/or are flexible. Now, that I have found a wonderful man, and we seem to be well suited, there are certain items I wouldn’t sacrifice for the sake of having another partner should something happen.

@zen_ I’ve been thinking about this question since I first ran across it. The only deal-breaker that I’ve been able to come up with is if it was a lesbian, knew it on the front end, and was made aware that they were looking for a mate. As much as I like to keep an open mind, I’m aware that I have no sexual attraction to women. There are many women I admire physically, but that is another matter.

@chyna What about my list is unreasonable in that you think that it would be difficult to find someone like this? Which of those of my list would you be willing to accept in a partner? I’m just curious, because i really don’t think it’s unreasonable. I meet all those criteria, and many of them are the least to be expected in any decent person.@iamthemob Which of those are uppity, besides the intelligence thing? Yes, i don’t capitalize my i’s, that doesn’t make me unintelligent, that makes me type a microsecond faster, and maybe i’m a little lazy and have become used to typing this way. However mean it may have sounded, there are people who are just less intelligent and they’ll do fine with someone of their same level of intelligence – i’m talking about obvious lack of intelligence that can be spotted a mile away. A huge gap in intelligence will most often be an impediment to any relationship – the way you think, reason, debate, talk, whatever, will be on levels so different that you won’t be able to get along. Of course there are exceptions, as there are with anything, but i prefer someone who i can have an intelligent conversation with, on my level at least, when the need arises. And no, i’m not saying i’m all the way up there on the intelligence meter.
And how are my “requirements” broad generalizations? I thought they were pretty specific. How if each of them are reasonable on their own, can it become unreasonable when taken together? I’m i a dreary picture, since i meet all those requirements?@Pied_Pfeffer Well, seeing as though i’m married, and have been with my husband for about 12 years now in total, many of these things have evolved since finding my mate, as you say. I’ve noticed things in other relationships, heard what other people have said regarding their relationships, watched movies (yes, they can inspire valid ideas), and realized that i’m not willing to settle for less. That’s the way i feel now. I look at my list and i cannot think of a single item i’ll want to take off of it (fine, maybe i can take the alternative meds things off). I must say though that my husband doesn’t have the type of sense of humour that i would have chosen in an ideal partner, but i won’t give him up just because of that, otherwise he meets every single one of my other requirements, plus he doesn’t use bad language. ;)

And lastly, why does it seem to be a problem that i have high standards for a partner? I wouldn’t even consider my list as high standard, but pretty average as far as partners go. Maybe i’m naive, in that i’ve found a good guy and was lucky to get one, and that maybe in actual fact most men are incapable of meeting those standards, can that be?! I sure hope not…

You said: However mean it may have sounded, there are people who are just less intelligent and they’ll do fine with someone of their same level of intelligence – i’m talking about obvious lack of intelligence that can be spotted a mile away.

And then you said: And how are my “requirements” broad generalizations?

That’s kind of how you made broad generalizations – you claimed you won’t date someone less intelligent than you, but you really meant someone significantly less intelligent than you.

But if you want some more examples:

(1) “lack of sense of humour” THEN
“laughing at animal cruelties or joking about it”

Sound like someone lacks a sense of humor themselves…;-) (generalization about what qualifies as a sense of humor…)

(2) You said: “I have so many dealbreakers” THEN
“Someone who’s negative or a pessimist”

Isn’t having so many dealbreakers assuming the worst about a broad variety of people? That sounds kind of like someone who is negative or a pessimist to me…

(3) You said: “Someone who has an unpleasant aroma about them in any way.” IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY
“Being hateful about anything or anyone for no good reason, or reasons not acceptable to me.”

That sounds like you’re being kind of hateful to lots of people, and it’s kind of weird to say that it’s not okay unless they have a reason acceptable to you – I mean, if you’re a total racist (not saying you are, of course) that means you would totally date someone hateful, just in your particular way…

(4) Someone who does trophy hunting. Or any kind of hunting or fishing actually.

A lot of hunting is also done for the purpose of reducing animal populations when there has been an explosion. I lived in an area with a big deer population and this happened frequently. A lot of the time this overpopulation led to slow starvation, or deer eating something toxic and dying slowly due to that. Particularly horrifying was the increase in deer being hit by a car (which I was involved in twice, and there’s nothing humane about watching a deer hobble across the street when both its back legs have been knocked off). This kind of hunting is actually a much more humane way to handle the situation generally – and so it kind of goes against your whole “no animal cruelty” arguments.

—That’s more what I meant. There’s so much overlap, and you’ve cast so many broad definitions and assumptions about various groups or acts, that it really seems that you wouldn’t date yourself.

@NaturallyMe “And the list goes on…”
You seem to have rigid standards and you still haven’t listed them all. If you are ever single again, just hope that the men you meet do not have your lengthy list of standards that you could not possibly measure up to.

@iamthemob Well, this question didn’t demand detailed explanations of each “deal breaker”, so i didn’t feel the need to go into much detail. It’s probably not of much use to explain them to you, but i’ll do so anyway for the sake of clarity:

1) By laughing at animal cruelties i was thinking of this particular situation: One time someone told me of how their puppy irritated their husband, and how the husband would kick the dog out of the way. The story teller thought this to be quite funny. It’s not funny. That kind of sense of humour i don’t like, because what does it say about the way such a person may possibly treat my pets when we move in together? I’m an animal lover and expect the same from my partner.

2) Having many deal breakers is not being negative, it’s being realistic in judging how i can handle certain traits in a person. Neither is is pessimistic for the same reason. Also, it’s not like i only focus on finding these deal breakers, but if i find out about them, that’s the end of it. I’m looking out for my best interests to ensure as positive an outlook for my future life.

3) It’s not being hateful towards someone for finding it unattractive that they wear dirty stinky clothes that should have been washed a week ago, or someone that meets me for this first blind date after going to gym and doesn’t bother to clean up before seeing me, or someone who doesn’t take care of their oral health…. By being hateful, i was specifically referring to racists, or people who will constantly sit there pointing out things that they don’t like about people passing around them, things like that. The fact that i find someone who doesn’t tend to their hygiene as unattractive, is not being hateful in the least. Moreover, the fact that i think they smell ew is something that will stay in my mind and will not be voiced.

4) Yes, i can make en exception for culling. But trophy hunting is not acceptable in the least for obvious reasons. And neither is fishing – “ooh, i’m a big man, i catch big helpless fish”...sorry, i don’t find that appealing at all.

I don’t see where i made assumptions…besides the cheating part. Most people’s reasons for cheating are unacceptable to me, and it will be rare for me to find someone who cheated only in the circumstances where i find it acceptable.

It’s a dealbreaker – you need to be specific, otherwise it comes off as you assuming negative about people (like police officers, or military professionals). A dealbreaker is something that means you cut them off, there’s no possibility that you go on a second (or third…etc.) date, case closed. The deal is broken. ;-)

It’s not a list of preferences, as yours seems more and more to be. Because joking about animal cruelty is far different than not being an animal lover.

That’s why your answers came of as uppity to me…they were cutting out huge sectors of the population without a second chance – which is a level of judgment that can’t come off as anything BUT uppity (dismissive, etc.).

No one is saying you shouldn’t have preferences (well, I’m not). But to say that you wouldn’t give a second thought to refusing to go out with someone because they’re overweight (without saying how much overweight, etc.) is being a little extreme – and perhaps even dishonest (e.g., they’re more overweight than you’d like, but it’s medical and they have every other quality you find admirable in a person – would you give that person a chance?).