GAUL — Saying that the location’s culture was perfectly matched to their own organizational culture, Amazon’s board of directors announced this morning that they will be building the company’s second headquarters in a 4th Century Roman slave quarry.

“While we really loved some of the candidate cities like Washington, D.C. and Atlanta, we believe 4th Century Roman Slave Quarry best aligns with our values here at Amazon,” said founder and CEO Jeff Bezos. “Whether it’s the ability to cart in an endless supply of free labor from the far corners of the empire, or the power to cast unproductive employees mercilessly into the bottomless pit of misery, I believe our relationship with the local slave quarry community will be an enduring and successful one.”

Amazon’s board of directors were also excited that the location offers an abundance of ruthless slavedrivers who are trained and ready to step into management positions.

“I love the entrepreneurial mindset here in 4th Century Roman Slave Quarry,” added Bezos. “There are so many employees who are literally willing to die just for a slice of bread. You’d never find that kind of work ethic in Toronto.”

At press time, Amazon had also announced that its space exploration venture Blue Origin would be outsourcing all research projects to an orbiting superweapon called the “Death Star.”