And we only had to kill and subjugate four or five million Native Americans to do it.

TRUTH

It wasnt completely free, I mean, we had to give some of the little buckskin-wearing buggers a bunch of shiny beads and whiskey, I think it set us back about three bucks or so, just for Manhattan alone. So it wasnt THAT free.

JUSTICE

Land of the free, but not land of the free health insurance, that canker sore on your face, thats going to cost you.

AMERICA

I am America, where all men are created equal.

LIBERTY

And women get to do the dishes.

TRUTH

America, where it took only two hundred years for a civil rights movement, a movement that met with much resistance, in fact there are people in office as we speak who still doubt that it was a good idea.

JUSTICE

In fact, some elected officials think that Strom Thurmond retired far too early.

LIBERTY

Even though hes dead.

AMERICA

I am America, where the separation of Church and State is the law and freedom of religion is sacred.

JUSTICE

As long as you pagan pig-fuckers remember that we are one Nation, UNDER GOD, thats what it says in the Pledge of Allegiance and dont you fucking forget it. UNDER GOD.

TRUTH

You have the freedom to believe what you want as long as you believe in Jesus.

LIBERTY

And please keep in mind that Jesus was white, blond and blue-eyed.

JUSTICE

I dont care where he was born, hes the son of God, he had to be white, dont give me any of this garbage that there werent any white people in the Middle East back then because I dont give a good crap. Americas Jesus is WHITE.

AMERICA

I am America, where any child can grow up to be President someday.

JUSTICE

As long as hes either a Republican or Democrat, reads the bible every day, comes from family money and attended an Ivy league school where he was able to achieve at least a "C" average, then he can be President.

LIBERTY

And as long as HE is a HE and not a SHE, then your child can be president.

TRUTH

Our corporate sponsors tell us that were not going to be ready for a female President for quite some time, HOWEVER, in forty or fifty years we could very well see a Jewish President (because they believe in God, too) or maybe, just maybe, even a black President.

LIBERTY

As long he or she only looks black, but is still able to think rich and white, i.e. Condoleeza Rice.

AMERICA

I am America, where every vote counts.

TRUTH

They do COUNT the votes.

LIBERTY

They dont mean anything, but they do COUNT them.

JUSTICE

Your vote does count, unless one of the candidates is the son of a previous president who also ran the CIA and therefore knows where a lot of bodies are buried, than that counts more than your vote counts.

TRUTH

And if one of the candidates is related to a Governor of a swing state, then that counts more than your vote counts.

LIBERTY

And if one of the candidates happens to be VERY good friends with the guy that owns the machines that counts the votes all across the country, then that counts more than anything else counts.

AMERICA

I am America, where freedom of speech is guaranteed.

JUSTICE

Hey, its America, you can say what you want. Now shut the fuck up.

TRUTH

You can say what you want. Just be careful of what youre saying.

LIBERTY

And who youre saying it to.

JUSTICE

And dont criticize our leaders, regardless of how badly they may read the teleprompter or how poorly they equip our troops.

TRUTH

And dont burn the flag, let it touch the ground or turn your back on it.

LIBERTY

You can protest in America, just dont protest about America.

AMERICA

I am America, and I support the spread of democracy around the world.

TRUTH

Except in Saudi Arabia, China, Lebanon, Jordan, Turkey, Taiwan, Tibet, most of Central and South America and parts of Africa.

LIBERTY

And Texas.

JUSTICE

We make too much money there to bother with democracy.

AMERICA

I am America, and I fight for those that cannot fight for themselves.

TRUTH

Except in Saudi Arabia, China, Lebanon, Jordan, Turkey, Taiwan, Tibet, most of Central and South America and parts of Africa.

LIBERTY

And Texas.

JUSTICE

We make too much money there to bother with human rights.

AMERICA

I am America and I invaded Iraq to bring freedom to the Iraqi people.

JUSTICE

There was a lot of money being made there and we werent seeing one red cent of it. Not only that, that Saddam was an evil prick. He imprisoned, tortured and killed his own people.

TRUTH

He cant do that to his people.

LIBERY

Only we can do that to his people.

AMERICA

I am America, and every citizen of America has the inalienable right to freedom, life and pursuit of happiness.

TRUTH

Unless youre poor and you need health-care.

LIBERTY

Unless youre a woman and you want equal pay and opportunities.

JUSTICE

Unless youre a homo and you want to serve in the armed forces or get married.

TRUTH

Unless youre neither a Republican or a Democrat and yet would still like to be represented by Congress.

LIBERTY

Unless youre over the age of sixty-five and you need affordable prescription medication.

JUSTICE

Unless you refuse to believe in God.

TRUTH

Unless youre eighteen years old, able to get drafted but not able to get a drink in a bar.

JUSTICE

Unless you suddenly find yourself classified an "enemy combatant".

TRUTH

Unless youre lacking in corporate sponsorship.

LIBERTY

Unless youre in Texas.

AMERICA

I am America, and I am at War.

JUSTICE

We are fighting a war for our way of life.

LIBERTY

We are fighting a war for truth and justice.

TRUTH

We are fighting a war overseas to avoid having to fight a war here at home.

AMERICA

I am America and I am at War.

TRUTH

If we dont fight this war, than sooner or later everyone is going to wonder why we havent caught the people responsible for destruction of the World Trade Center and we cant have that.

LIBERTY

If we dont fight this war, sooner or later everyones going to realize just how dumb and ineffective the guy sitting in the White House really is. Sooner or later mistakes our leaders made that cost the lives of Americans at home and abroad will have to be accounted for and we can have that.

JUSTICE

If we dont fight someone else, then sooner or later were going to have to fight each other. And our corporate sponsors cant have that.

TRUTH

We need this war.

LIBERTY

We need this war.

JUSTICE

We need this war.

TRUTH

War is a good thing.

LIBERTY

War is a good thing.

JUSTICE

War is a good thing.

AMERICA

I am America and I am at War.

BLACK OUT.

"I am America"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED,
PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE
AUTHOR
Author's Note:
I AM AMERICA works best when delivered with an upbeat,
smiling tone - like a rock the vote patriotic
commercial.