Nintendo... seriously, the 2DS?

Like, for real? For really real?

Shares

Let's think about this for a second, because I seriously think this is something worth thinking about for a second. Today, at the same time Nintendo revealed a much-needed price drop for the Wii U, it revealed a new 3DS model--one that removes the 3D and changes the design from the signature silhouette it spent the better part of a decade perfecting. After turning the once-floundering handheld into a best-selling powerhouse, it's stripping out its core identity and signature form-factor. It's redesigning it into something that looks like a doorstop, or a wedge of cheese. I... I think I understand this.

It's a low-priced model for kids. Yes, that's got to be it. We'll get our awesome 3DS upgrade (with a second circle pad and a better battery life!) another time--this one isn't for us. Sometimes we need to just, like, let Nintendo do its thing, and admit that it exists to create games that kids and adults can enjoy. All it is is Nintendo finally getting around to addressing the maybe-sort-of pseudoscience theory that 3D will cause children's eyeballs to leak from their skull (source). They're just trying to make something safer for the children.

And I guess it makes sense that, when you think of the children, that on the heels of the release of some massive 3DS games, Nintendo would want to make a version of its handheld that's cheaper. That isn't a bad idea. And, you know, whatever, it's more approachable for kids. We must remember the children in all of this. It's due out the same day that Pokemon X & Y are releasing, so it's technically a great option for parents looking to spend less and get… but… I…

I can't even. I tried. The 2DS? Come on. That doesn't make any damn sense. The 3DS was the "3D DS," that's the pun that Nintendo decided to go with on this one. The "2D DS"? That's just the original DS! That was a 2D DS. Didn't you think this through at all? How about, like, the 3DS Mini? 3DS Lite? 3DS2? 3DS Except Flat for Some Reason (3DSEFFSR)?

And I can't get behind how downright silly the thing looks. Sure, removing 3D makes sense because it lets you cut the price and people like spending less money on things, but removing the clamshell design doesn't. You pretty much have to keep it in a case at all times, especially if you're handing it to a god damn child. They're just going to get chocolate on it, or scratch it while twerking to their One Direction CD, or just doing whatever it is that stupid little children do. They're the target audience for this thing, right? Is that what we've decided? This… whatever the hell this is. Redesign? It's like the safety scissors of handhelds.

Also, I know I should move on from this, but, seriously, who keeps their 3DS screens all the way open at all times? This new design has both screens on the same level, right underneath each other, but that's hardly the most enjoyable or comfortable way to look at a two-screened handheld. The clamshell design is what lets you tilt them slightly, allowing for a much more ergonomic, enjoyable experience. But now that's not even an option, it's just one, big, flat ramp. Like, is this something that's really happening? Is this real life?

You know that kid at parties who talks too much? Drink in hand, way too enthusiastic, ponderously well-educated in topics no one in their right mind should know about? Loud? Well, that kid’s occasionally us. GR Editorials is a semi-regular feature where we share our informed insights on the news at hand. Sharp, funny, and finger-on-the-pulse, it’s the information you need to know even when you don’t know you need it.