Pretty Sure Jennifer Lopez Wore A Stick-On Dress With No Underoos Last Night

Did you know Jennifer Lopez is forty-three years old now? Well she is. And she’s a smokin’ hot forty-three-year old, too, but at what age exactly is she gonna start finding it inadvisable to wear a stick-on dress? On the red carpet at the premiere of her new thriller Parkerlast night, JLo opted to go strapless, braless, underwearless, and apparently fearless as she rubber cemented herself inside a patchwork of white silk shapes. As always, Jenny from the block doesn’t seem to have quite been able to decide which of her assets to highlight, so she went with all of them.

For her top parts, she’s selected a lovely white Whoopie Cushion and adhered it to her breasts with a combination of double-sided tape and prayer, leaving the back open to the winds and the clear knowledge that no bra has been invited to grace JLo’s back this night. For her lower lady parts, she’s chosen a nice flesh racing stripe, drawing the eye from her lower back, along the side of the thing, and down to the ground. Aka the most attractive part of every woman.

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like Jennifer is still chasing the high from that Versace dress she wore to the Oscars all those many years ago? That was her first hit, the first case of people being like, “That dress is cut so low I can see her dreams and ambitions!”, and it might never get better than that. But don’t tell her that, because she’s been working her whole red carpet life to get another taste of that fix. She’s a hot lady, she’s got two kidlets, and the young Casper Smart on her arm, and still she’s pouring herself into these confusingly intricate contraptions with the seemingly sole purpose of informing us that she’ll NEVER EVER let her PARTS be tethered. Just like that Taylor Swift song. Rock on with your forties self, JLo, and keep on