Monday, November 21, 2011

Some Very Good Ones

Why Do Women Live Longer?

Teresa Brown was interested in gender roles Sunni Muslims
particularly in Afghanistan. Back in the 1990s long before the
current Afghan hostility she spotted that women walk about
four paces behind their husbands.

When Teresa returned to Kabul in 2011 she noted with regret
that women still walk behind their husbands. She pondered
why, despite the establishment of women's rights, wives still
pace behind their husbands.

Later the intrepid reporter fell into conversation with one of the
Afghani women and asked, 'Why are you so happy with an old
custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Brown straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, "Land mines."

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex,
answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a
couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the
very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any
money,' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded.
'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with
that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet.

'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
the remainder.'

Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you
a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this
morning.'
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The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You
remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you
know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable
parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church
12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to
name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. "Milton,"
she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald,"
she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the
time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so
rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have
the good sense to know what your mother likes.
The chicken was delicious."
*********************************************

Mildred

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She
decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to
inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a
woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below
your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.
*****************************************

Men are like ...

Men are like ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders. You need one,
but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores.
Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and
are usually wrong.

Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and
the rest are handicapped.
**********************************************

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.

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Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on
the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

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Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop
in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt in an instant.

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.
Please recite with me The Real Women's motto: I made it and
you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!
*******************************************

Marriage

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to
the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain
killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just
extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a
courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman
turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
*********************************************

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother
of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find
out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of
his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts
back ... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
********************************************
Life Explained

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go
to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you
a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the
other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day
by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years
and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain
people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a
twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten,
so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play,
enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you
what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the
ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes
eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play,
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the
sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey
tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years
we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
**************************************
Kindergarten Teacher

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and
she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots
still didn't want to go on. By the time she got the second boot
on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough,
they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked
together to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue
rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you
say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help
him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me
wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She
mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed
them in the toes of my boots ..."

Ever have one of those days

**********************************************

Kids and Church

3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold
is His name. Amen."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me
a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if
anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand,
stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the
neighbor's wife."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father
asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian
home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the
Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would
repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided
to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into
temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on
the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet
in church? One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out
loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not
supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to
stop me?" Joel asked. "See those men standing by the door?
They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5,
and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get
the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a
moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let
my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned
to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year
-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the
shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what
happened to him?" the on asked. "He died and went to Heaven,
" the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just
say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did
I invite all these people to dinner?"
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