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Single women form their own nation

Author Rebecca Traister observes that we now live in a world where single women abound, and in some cases, rule. But those women still get grief about their status — just in more subtle ways than before.

In 2009, the proportion of married women in the U.S. dropped to under 50 per cent. It is clear that for many historically fresh demographic and societal reasons, women no longer feel that they must marry. (Dreamstime)

If you are a single woman of any marriageable age who has not been shamed for being single, then I’d like to know you.

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My shaming came in my late 20s, when I had a great job, adoring friends and a limitless future. I had just moved back to Toronto, having worked for several years in Vancouver. In a kick-ass new outfit, I walked into a packed press conference, featuring, of all people, the Rolling Stones.

As camera crews were setting up, and throngs of journalists gathered, I heard a clarion voice across the room, shouting my name in full. It seemed the crowd went silent. This man, a former colleague, had a booming urgent question for me: “Did you manage to get yourself married off when you were out West?”

So mortified was I that my worth apparently came down to whether I’d attained a husband — reader, I had not — that something astonishing came out of my mouth: a lie. “Yes,” I said in a pathos-filled voice, “yes I did find a husband, but unfortunately he died suddenly.”

The look of horror on his face was worth it as he realized what his stupid, prying, insensitive question had wrought. And of course, afterward I set him straight, satisfied he would never ask a woman that question again.

I still hear from young women now that the shaming, albeit in more subtle ways, goes on. “Have you met anyone yet?” one of the most successful young women I know gets asked regularly.

Yet we live in a world where single women abound and in some cases rule. As American author Rebecca Traister points out in her thoughtful and complex new book, All the Single Ladies — Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation, look around, single women are everywhere these days. Restaurants are full of them, laughing, joking, thoroughly enjoying themselves, supporting each other.

In 2009, reports Traister, the proportion of married women in the U.S. dropped to under 50 per cent. It is clear that for many historically fresh demographic and societal reasons, women no longer feel that they must marry.

Many single women, highly educated, ambitious and socially connected, are working on their careers, too busy to maintain a relationship or unable to meet a suitable partner. Single mothers head many family units.

“By our mid 30s, half of my closest girlfriends remained unmarried” writes Traister, who eventually married at 35. What she saw both impressed and moved her: women everywhere living fulfilling lives because they no longer “had” to find a husband. They were finally able to disavow the steely rule that hobbled women of previous generations: that any marriage, no matter how difficult, is better than no marriage at all.

They revel in work, in autonomy, in spontaneity, in the nurturing of close friendships. By remaining single or marrying later, Traister writes, women have “pioneered an entirely new kind of adulthood.”

But many women, especially in big cities, also navigate the lows of the single life, including loneliness, financial insecurity and in some cases an unfulfilled longing for a family.

In truth, the story of single women is as diverse as you can get, from across a wide spectrum: economic, ethnic and age. In America, almost 50 per cent of people earning minimum wage or less are unmarried women. And in many cultures, young single women risk their lives if they dare to follow their dreams.

We also know for sure that aging single women are poorer than any other group in North America.

A married friend said almost wistfully to me the other day “We don’t have many couple friends anymore.” It’s true. In my social circle almost half the women live alone. And one dirty little secret is that many professional women who once lived the high life are struggling financially because they didn’t plan for their later years.

Women my age are all over online dating sites, looking for a relationship. The difference is that not one of them is desperate to marry or remarry.

Why would they? The ones who are financially secure are wary of having a man dependent on them for medical or financial reasons, of becoming “a nurse or a purse.”

And the ones who could benefit financially from having a partner are still not prepare to “settle” just for security. Independence is an addictive elixir.

My own view of female singlehood changed as I married at 32, raised a family and watched my own daughter marry at 28. Happy in my own marriage, I was undeniably relieved she found a lovely caring partner with whom to build a life.

The contradictions around being single are not going to go away because they involve something intangible — emotional longing. Life is hard, the right companionship makes it easier. For men and women, that truth is eternal.

I’m glad to be married, but when I think back to that red flush that crept over me as I was asked to publicly justify my worth in only one way — whether some man had put a ring on it — I am still enraged.

My favourite line in Traister’s book is actually the dedication: For my parents, who never gave me a hard time about it.

Judith Timson writes weekly about cultural, social and political issues. You can reach her at judith.timson@sympatico.ca and follow her on Twitter @judithtimson.

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