The Workings of a Truly Random Mind

Summary:
It's Twilight, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Monty Python, and various other random things that have absolutely nothing to do with vampires all rolled into one. (Spiderman may make an appearance) I own absolutely none of the characters or anything else- they are the property of their respective owners.

1. The Vampires that say "Zam!"

“I’m not entirely sure. Plot setup for the little plot that is in this story I suppose,” responded Edward knowledgeably. He looked around at his surroundings. They were in a dense forest, but they were not in Forks, Edward knew that at least for sure as there were no tell-tail signs of recent rain anywhere.

“Plot setup? What are you talking about? Which vampire is trying to do us in now? What story are you talking about? I’m so confused!” exclaimed Bella. She then added as an afterthought, “but then again what else is new.”

Approaching on the horizon, were three dark blurs. They were moving so fast that they were difficult to see, but Edward and Bella recognized what they were at once; vampires. Before Edward could lift Bella onto her shoulders and start running, they were upon them.

“We are the vampires that say ‘zam’,” announced the first vampire.

“ZAM!” shouted the other two vampires in unison.

“Excuse me, but what exactly is a ‘zam’?” asked Edward, unable to contain himself.

“We are not entirely sure, but we like to sound important,” responded the first vampire whom was clearly the leader.

“ZAM!” shouted the vampires once again.

“Why would constantly shouting a word you don’t even know the meaning of make you sound important? If anything it just makes you sound stupid.”

“ZAM!”

“Is it possible for you two to say anything other than ‘zam’?” asked Bella, speaking for the first time.

“How dare you diminish the worth of the precious ‘zam’!” exclaimed the first vampire in outrage.

“Zam, zam, zam…” the vampires began to chant, drawing closer to Edward and Bella with a murderous look in their gleaming red eyes.

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, a giant book fell from the sky. Engraved on the front cover of the book were the words “DON’T PANIC”. This book happened to land right on top of the three advancing vampires. They were apparently struggling underneath the incredibly large book. The fact that all three vampires combined could not even move the book said a lot about its size.

“That was… convenient,” said Edward looking alarmed.

“So, should we panic?” asked Bella glancing anxiously at the book.

Edward walked around to the spine of the book.

“A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, I’ve never heard of it before. Mind I don’t think the average library could fit it on one of the shelves. Also, I don’t think we should panic just yet; we were just saved from certain doom. Let’s save the panic for when we will be inevitably doomed again.”

Just then, a robot with a very large head fell from the sky and landed on top of the ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’.

“Brain the size of a planet and where does it get me? Falling from the sky with some weird people staring at me,” it muttered to itself darkly. And stare Bella and Edward did. It was about the size of a six year old. It was clearly a robot. It had a huge head, about three watermelons tall in height and two and a half watermelons wide.

“Who are you? Or should I say, what are you?” asked Bella taking a step back as Edward stepped protectively in front of her.

“I am Marvin, the paranoid android.”

“The what?!” asked Bella, becoming annoyed at the fact that everyone seemed to know more than her.

“The paranoid android you twit! I was created by Cybernetic’s Corporation as a prototype of the new ‘genuine people personalities’ technology.”

“So do you think we should keep going, Bella?” asked Edward who was struggling to remain calm. There is not point in panicking, it won’t get us out of this strange place any faster, thought Edward.

“Yeah, let’s get going,” replied Bella uneasily. She had a funny feeling they weren’t going to get away that easily.

Bella should have known better than to have any sort of premonition in a story this strange. As such, as soon as she finished saying that, a giant pencil came thundering out of the bushes behind them.

“Oh right… however in some high schools they consider pencils weapons as you can stab someone with it.”

“That’s stupid; if someone really wanted to stab someone they’d bring a knife. If they were going to stab someone anyways they’re not going to care that carrying a knife will get you expelled. They would already know that they were going to be expelled anyways,” said Bella.

“I must ask, why are we talking about stupid classroom rules?” asked Edward who was finding the conversation a little tiresome.

“I was trying to instill you with fear!” boomed the pencil.

“A pencil, instill fear? That’s a good one,” said Bella giggling in spite of herself.

“Now you shall feel the wrath of a pure HB pencil!” As it said this it started to hop, very slowly towards Edward, Bella and Marvin. Unfortunately, it hit a tree and fell over.

“Let’s just away now,” suggested Edward. As they started to walk the pencil screamed, “Wait! I’m not done with you yet!” The pencil continued to scream as they grew further and further away but Edward, Bella and Marvin decided to ignore him. Soon the pencil’s shouts faded into the distance.