thank you so much for watching. have a great night. whats up k-pix nation? are you ready for this? ready for a captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump, first lady and members of his cabinet showed up at a meeting of fema to give a briefing on this year's hurricane season that began friday. >> we have a plan not just for fema but the whole community, a plan i would like to unify the federal government response and down through our state partners and governors who are with us today. three very simple goals we'll put forward. we have a lot of work to do to be a true culture of preparedness. we have a lot of work to be ready for catastrophic disasters. we have to do a better job of streamlining our services to the

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grant funding that goes out to help communities prepare. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight is summit of all fears. plus stephen welcomes nick offerman, niecy nash and musical guest lykke li, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: please have a seat everybody! you're too kind. welcome to "the late show." i'm your shows stephen colbert.

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( cheers and applause ) we are just days away from donald trump's summit with kim jong un. it's truly historic. the stakes are almost as high as trump's and kim's cholesterol. they're calling it "the lipitor in singapore." quick reminder: the fallout of this meeting could be actual fallout. ( laughter ) but don't worry, as trump explained during a joint press conference with japanese prime minister shinzo abe, he is primed and ready. >> i think i'm very well prepared. i don't think i have to prepare very much. it's about attitude. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes. yes. you don't have to prepare. complex diplomacy with an international adversary has always been about 'tude. who can forget reagan's famous words: >> mr. gorbachev, how you like me now! talk to the hand, bitch.

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( laughter ) >> stephen: that's going to be fine, obviously. good news, everyone, melania trump was seen in public yesterday. ( audience reacts ) yeah, we love her. she also saw her shadow. that means six more -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) that means at least six more weeks of marriage. ( laughter ) yesterday she and the president met with fema officials to discuss hurricane preparedness, which is appropriate because she disappeared after a stormy. ( audience reacts ) ( piano riff ) and the president started the meeting by welcoming her back. >> we have to start with our great first lady, melania. thank you, melania. she's doing great. (applause) >> stephen: wow. must be nice to get applause just for showing up for work. am i right?

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(cheers and applause) thank you. thank you. it was a very short meeting about hurricanes, and it was not about hurricanes. he started off by bragging: >> we saved $1.6 billion on air force one... can you believe it? i got involved in the negotiations. the press refuses to report that, but that's okay. people were really surprised. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you know who was super-surprised? the people at the pentagon, who have not been able to explain where trump got such a figure. ( laughter ) where would he have gotten that figure? huh... has anyone checked his butt? ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) >> jon: oh! ( piano riff ) >> stephen: just taking a core

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sample. ( laughter ) trump also bragged about his cabinet, saying, "i understand a big story is being done in a major newspaper talking about what a great cabinet this is." but he didn't specify the outlet. our crack research team found the publication praising the cabinet. it's the ikea catalog. ( laughter ) so good. so good. ( piano riff ) absolutely. with everything going on in our busy lives, every once in a while it's good to take a moment to stop andreem ber hey, our president had sex with a porn star. ( laughter ) which brings us to tonight's ( cheers and applae )

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we all know that stormy is represented by lawyer and cable news-based life form, michael avenatti, but before she had -- oh, guess what? you probably don't know this. next week avenatti is going to be on here with the mooch. they're going to be on together. they want their own show. they want to have, like, an avenatti-mooch show. i don't know who's going to do that show. i don't know. so it's going to be us next week, and we're going to solve some problems. we're going to toy with the problems of the universe with avenatti and mooch. set your dial. ( laughter ) if you still have a dial, get a new tv. ( laughter ) ( piano riff )

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but before stormy daniels had avenatti, she had a different lawyer named keith davidson who negotiated her $130,000 hush payment. now, she's suing him, claiming he was a puppet for president trump. making him the third puppet to work for trump, after wilbur ross and his buddy waldorf. ( laughter ) i love those guys. i love those guys. according to the lawsuit, the whole time that davidson claimed to be representing the interests of stormy daniels, he was secretly working with trump attorney michael cohen. wow! two-timing her! which is also the name of a pretty good stormy daniels movie. ( laughter ) i'm being told that's right. don't boo the truth. ( laughter ) the lawsuit also alleges that in march, davidson tipped off cohen that stormy was changing lawyers and they were gonna try to get out of the n.d.a. so cohen flew down to mar-a-lago to quickly meet with melania trump to convince her that stormy daniels was a liar, and not to be trusted. then, out of habit, he gave her $130-grand to keep quiet about

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it. ( laughter ) hurricane stormy has also made landfall in israel, thanks to a visit from trump lawyer and phantom of the flat screen, rudy giuliani. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) rudy appeared at a conference, and i have to warn you, the audio on this clip is not great. and neither is the video, because it's of rudy giuliani ( laughter ) he was asked about the stormy daniels allegations. >> oh, a very, very credible source. stormy, stormy, the porn star. you know every porn person can't be a star. i never heard of her before. now, i don't really look at porn. please get that down.

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( laughter ) me thinks the mayor might be protesting a little too much. "i don't watch porn. i don't know who stormy daniels is. i don't know the work of sasha grey or jenna jameson, and i certainly don't know anything about the 2005 epic "pirates xxx" starring tommy gunn as captain randall thrust. please get that down." ( laughter ) that's t-r--- ( piano riff ) then, giuliani was asked how the allegations affected the first lady. >> she believes in her husband. she knows it's not true. i don't even think there's a slight suspicion that it's true when you -- excuse me -- when you look at stormy daniels. i know donald trump. look at his three wives, right? beautiful women, classy women women of great substance, stormy daniels? pfft. >> stephen: wow. i know stormy is an adult film star, but giuliani might be the

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biggest (bleep) she's ever seen. unpleasant person. unpleasant person. please. unpleasant person. what are they thinking? the moderator tried to moderate the former mayor, but he was having no part of it. >> we have to respect on this stage of women. i'm sorry, i don't respect a porn star the way i respect a career woman. >> stephen: wrong, rudy. stormy is a career woman. she's a director, producer, and actor. plus, she's been a nurse, a secretary, and a lonely step-mom. ( cheers and applause ) okay? very lonely. very lonely. sad. sad, really. then rudy weighed in on why kim jong un came back to the negotiation table. >> we said, "well, we're not going to have a summit under those circumstances." well, kim jong-un got back on his hands and knees and begged for it, which is exactly the position you want to put him in.

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( audience reacts ) >> stephen: rudy, are you sure you don't watch porn? ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) rudy clearly had a great time in israel, as you can see from this footage of him in a restaurant, waving a napkin over his head. he's either dancing or signaling robert mueller that they're ready to surrender. ( laughter ) in other international news, american diplomats in china are being stricken with headaches, nausea, hearing loss, cognitive issues and other symptoms after saying they heard odd sounds. they got nauseous after hearing an odd sound. >> i donald john trump do solemnly swear--

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( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: and this isn't the only time. the same thing happened "in 2016, when american embassy employees and their family members began falling ill in havana after experiencing disturbing sensations of sounds and vibrations." so, it's true what they say: the rhythm is gonna get you. ( laughter ) gloria estefan tried to warn us. ( laughter ) these incidents are leading to concern that americans "may be the target of 'sonic attacks' by a rival country." a rival country is attacking us with sound, is it: panama! panama! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) thank you!

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we miss you, diamond dave. ( laughter ) well, this is a terrifying trend. i'm just glad i'm safe, broadcasting here on american soil... is what i thought, until this happened during yesterday's taping: executive clemency is officially just a reality tv show at this point. (beep beep) hold on. cheese it, it's the cops! i don't know what's going on here. (beep beep) fire alarm? well, this is a first. ( laughter ) let's just keep rolling. there's a fire alarm going on in the ed sullivan theatre because these jokes are so (bleep) hot. (cheers and applause) now, now -- that's not true. that's not true.

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we later found out later that the alarm went off because donald trump's pants were on fire. we've got a great show tonight. nick offerman is here, but when we come back, scott pruitt has another scandal, and another one, and another one. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) surprise people with how much they can get in a small suv. it's the big upgrade in a small package. see what you can get for under 20 grand...

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oh, my goodness! welcome back, everybody. listen up. ladies and gentlemen, i know we all have a lot of things to think about on a daily basis, but have you guys been paying attention to e.p.a. director and guy who just found out the "e" stands for "environment," scott pruitt? ( laughter ) he's already under 12 ethics investigations for things like taking "first-class travel on the taxpayers' dime," and buying a "43,000 dollar soundproof phone booth for his office." $43,000 for phone booth? does he know people don't use regular phone booths anymore? that's like buying a diamond-encrusted vcr. and things are getting worse because pruitt has racked up at least 10 new scandals in just the past month. oh, let me get out the frequent scandal card.

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here we go. there you go. there's ten. oh, that's nice. ( applause ) you want a "keep your job for some reason." ( laughter ) and the thing that's so shocking about pruitt's latest round of scandals is that they're so petty. thanks to a freedom of information act request by the sierra club, we learned that "pruitt spent over three-grand on personalized pens and journals." $3,000? on pens? hasn't scott pruitt heard of staples? you can get a bundle for $4.99! he could have walked into the e.p.a. and said, "it's raining pens, beeyotches!" ( laughter ) if they weren't taped together, i could do that. apparently, pruitt's office ordered "12 silver personalized pens with the e.p.a. seal and pruitt's signature on them costing $1,500 alone." well, yeah. when you're signing that $43,000

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dollar check for your sound-proof booth, you can't be using some clickable bic. ( laughter ) you'll look like a punk in front of the booth guy. ( laughter ) one of the weirdest new revelations is back in september, the e.p.a. "reached out to the trump international hotel in washington, d.c.," "wanting to know how much they would charge pruitt for purchasing one of its used mattresses." finally answering the question, "how does scott pruitt sleep at night?" ( laughter ) turns out, in other people's filth. ( laughter ) pruitt also enlisted an e.p.a. aid asking him to help his wife find a job at chick-fil-a specifically a as a franchiseee! the chick-fil-a cows think you should be more ethical.

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( laughter ) well, just yesterday, reporters caught up with pruitt and he certainly said something. >> look, my wife is an entrepreneur herself. i love, she loves, we love chick-fil-a and we need more of them in tulsa and more of them across the country. so, anyway it's an- it's an exciting time. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "i'm being investigated for 12 ethics violations. it's an exciting time! fear is a type of excitement." latch ( laughter ) pruitt still has a job, but the 26-year-old aide who had to find pruitt his mattresses, apartments, and chik-fil-a's has resigned from the environmental protection agency because she was "tired of being thrown under the bus by pruitt." and since it's pruitt, the bus runs on coal and sea turtle ughter ) when reached by phone, an e.p.a. spokntesrs. wldonot n he just told the reporter who broke the story, "you have a great day, you're a piece of trash." ( audience reacts ) are they mad about this or is

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that just how the e.p.a. talks to everyone now? "thanks for calling the e.p.a., hope you die in a grease fire, how may i direct your call?" ( laughter ) well, just before taping that we learned pruitt asked members of his security detail to run errands for him, including taking him in search of his favorite moisturizing lotion. i believe we have some footage of pruitt making that request. >> put the (bleep) lotion in the basket! >> stephen: his skin does look good. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with nick offerman. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) this weekend at kohl's

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they'd tell you to go to ross. because there's so much to choose from. listen to your pets. they're your best friends, so they don't want you to spend more than you have to. if you want to save big on pet accessories, you gotta go to ross. ( applaus)en everybody! ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much! my first guest tonight is a full-time professional woodworker and occasional television star.

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his new film is "hearts beat loud." please welcome, nick offerman! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> thank you. >> stephen: i like the little runway turn you gave us right now. >> well, i'm exhausted so i'm trying to goose myself. >> stephen: really? yeah. >> stephen: wow. that's a sin. i like popping the jacket. you've got a vest on. >> that's right. >> stephen: i like the guest who goes the extra mile and adds another layer of fabric on his body. >> you know what? i've always considered you to be very classy. i say that sincerely. >> stephen: thank you. o i wore a three-piece suit

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to be in your presence. >> stephen: well, i feel scandalously underdressed. i'm going to button up. psh aw! >> stephen: i feel dressed for summer. at the end of the day the meat falls right off the work. >> it's my basting outfit. >> stephen: we have a little end table nick made for us. gorgeous work. ( applause ) now, you're known for your -- ( laughter ) are we keeping an okay shape or -- >> looks beautiful. retaining its luster. >> stephen: last time you gave me these beautiful offerman wood shop -- do you want to throw that over there? >> love to. >> stephen: we'll put one on here. >> no rings on that bad boy. >> stephen: not that i have to protect my plastic desk but feels really nice.

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>> that's the right idea. >> stephen: so i love watching th videose you make of making a canoe. you're a man in full. where did this need to make things with your hands come from? >> i grew up in an mazing family centered around my mom's family farm. they raise corn, soybeans and used to have pigs. >> stephen: okay. o i grew up with men and women using tools in the garden, kitchen, in the barn, these people creating a life with their hands, and, ough tipsedso, off evto theater school to become a dancer -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: was dance going to be your first choice? >> and still have. >> stephen: you're basically a hoofer. >> that's right. i'm on my way. but while i have been studying the stage arts, i've always made a living using tools, carpenter,

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building furniture. it satisfies a fa millial need. i can hold up my head around my family. they don't care if i've done shakespeare but if i built a table they say, come on, in let's get you a beer. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i admire carpenters. there is one particular carpenter i look up to. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: i think you know who i'm talking about. harrison ford. >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) >> harrison ford, jesus and myself are the big three show business carpenters. >> stephen: really? mm-hmm. >> stephen: you know, the last time your opinion on here, you were with your lovely wife. >> bless her. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: she's o on the new big hit "will and grace." that show is going to go someplace. >> they're on their way. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you guys are looking awfully serious. are you going to rob wood stock?

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what is this photo for? >> i have robbed wood stock. i would advise against it. unless you like rolling papers. >> stephen: yeah, don't steal the brown acid. >> no, we're wearing our buffs because we're on our way to the survivor finale. >> stephen: oh. you are a fan of the survivor. >> we're huge fans of survivor. people don't remember perhaps that survivor was the original reality show before they got crappy. >> stephen: was it 99? were with we coming up on 20 years of survivor? >> something like that. >> stephen: i remember when it started over here and i remember going like, that's stupid, then it became the biggest thing on the planet. >> we love it. megan is a great curator of television and she has always stuck with it and i agree, i'm her disciple, i learn at her feet, and we're crazy about

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survivor. jeff probst is the greatest team captain we've ever seen in this country. >> stephen: yeah. ( applause ) yeah. >> when i want to cheer megan up, i run into the other room and yell, come on in, guys! ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, that's his catch phrase. >> that's the catch phrase. >> stephen: so would you want to be on? >> i fantasized about being on survivor, and on one hand i think i could build, you know, a three-story split level for the other contestants. i'd build a water wheel so we could actually power appliances. >> how long would that take you. it would take a day and a half or two. i mean, it wouldn't be quick by any stretch. >> stephen: what's you recall strategy? are you one of the guys that gets naked right away and freaks everybody out? >> no, unless i urgently needed to get a laugh from the group, i would stay clothed. >> stephen: okay. the social game could be my

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downfall because either i would go with integrity which would be my nature just to tell it like it is, but those people never win. you have to be a backstabbing snake to win the game. >> stephen: yeah. o i could call upon my classical training and become a machiavellian. >> stephen: yeah. it would be worth a try. >> stephen: what about megan, would she want to go? >> i don't think so. she likes it in of doors. ( laughter ) >> stephen: in of doors? yeah. >> stephen: instead of out of doors? >> yeah, inside. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you have the new movie "hearts beat loud." it premieres tomorrow. what's the movie about? >> i am so proud of this movie. it's a beautiful, loving dose of medicine. i don't know if you've seen the news recently. >> stephen: try not to. but there's a lot of crappy

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parts. >> stephen: yeah. a lot of people are bummed out and stressed because of the uproar our nation is in morally. >> stephen: yeah. and this movie lets you forget about that. it's a vacation from all of the dirty things that are going on. it's a story of a single dad played by me and his daughter played by kearsey clemens, who will knock your socks off, and that's before she starts singing. when she starts singing your socks will slip on and your hat will fly off. >> stephen: you're a father daughter band, right? >> we're a band. my dream is to go to college and she wants to be a doctor. i'm trying to get her to be irresponsible and a rock star with me so that's the conflict. the story is about what happens when your dreams don't quite come true, can you find happen necessary and love. >> stephen: she's brushing her

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teeth, what's happening? >> she's brushing her teeth, we had an amazing music session, i'm unflappably convince herring we're going to have a band. >> stephen: okay, jim. i'm off to work. no. come on. that was amazing. >> you have been wanting to try to start a band with me since i was 12. >> and as great as sandwich and frank could have been, we're legit. we're better now. we should come up with a cooler name. >> we're not a band. ? i like it. >> stephen: yeah, nice name. ( applause ) now, before i let you go, before i let you go because i know you've got a lot more movie selling to do, i want to show you something. my staff is quite proud because they had mire you as a woodworker as do i, and inspired by you they built a bench to put

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on. we've got a little roof garden on the building. they built a bench to go on the roof garden and they want you to appraise it. let's bring it out here and show you what the guys built, okay? ( applause ) okay. >> look at that! >> stephen: all right. ( cheering ) >> well, uh, it looks like a collection of studs from the homebuilding store that are used -- those are the two by fours used as the slats. then some sort of plastic bracket constructs that are pretty nifty looking now, but when they end up in the landfill, although they go like that -- >> stephen: holy cow. did you know it does that? i had no idea. >> stephen >> stephen: i'm not sure it did it before you made it do it. that's how good you are.

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shall we have a seat and see if it's comfortable? >> yeah. >> stephen: oh, yeah. let's turn this thing into a loveseat. >> stephen: oh. ( applause ) "hearts beat loud" is in theaters tomorrow! nick offerman, everybody! we'll be right back with niecy nash. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ introducing the all-new volkswagen jetta with app-connect and available beats audio. touch shows how we really feel. but does psoriasis ever get in the way? embrace the chance of 100% clear skin with taltz.

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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the program! you know my next guest from "reno 911!," "getting on," and "claws." please welcome back to the show, niecy nash! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: now then -- hello! >> stephen: now then, ms. nash. welcome back! >> thank you! >> stephen: it's been a year ago this week you have been on season one of "claws." >> now we're on season two! >> stephen: congratulations. ank you. >> stephen: how has the last year been for you?

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>> on the show? >> stephen: in life, in the world. >> where do i begin? one, i'm getting thicker by the minute. that's not so good. but what you gonna do? i just had my seven-year wedding anniversary. >> stephen: congratulations. thank you. >> stephen: yes. and we celebrated with the wakanda theme. so it was niec niecy j. and waka forever. >> stephen: that was the theme? >> yes. >> stephen: did you have the cups and plates? >> no, everybody came in their raregalia. >> stephen: which character were you? >> i was just a queen. ( laughter ) >> stephen: star of your show clause. >> you did that last time. >> stephen: do fan come up and show you their claws?

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>> they want to look at mine. it's pressure. >> stephen: yeah? you're nice. i could get into it. i see what you're working with there. >> stephen: what do you think about men who get manicures? >> i think it's nice if you've got to go out and you put on a nice suit, you know. >> stephen: yeah. but what does it for me, if my husband is coming in out of the yard, them nails is all beat up and calluses! i'm, like, grab me up now, daddy! ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you like it a little dirty is what you're saying? >> well, you know, i can go with either/or. >> stephen: okay. do you have a particular nail style that's your favorite? or is there something like i admire that in other people's nails? somebody who knows what they're doing? >> no, i just like my own. >> stephen: do you see people who put portraits on there, a

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little painting? >> since i started doing this show, you would be surprised what people are sliding in my d.m.s. one girl did a whole nail in the shape of a man's penis. ( laughter ) >> stephen: men's penises, they should not have nails. technically that's a thumb. he's lying to you. that's a thumb. >> they do get creative. >> stephen: today would have been sadly princess' 60t 60th birthday. i only bring it up because you got to meet him. i wanted to and never got a chance. what was that like. >> i just want to prepare you. get ready. >> stephen: this is my prince

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story. the grammys were in l.a. prince was having an after-party. we had to be there. so i was with my girlfriend, like, we are we going to get into this party? use your best assets, okay, to get in the door. so she led with her bottom and i led with my top. >> stephen: she walked backwards? >> yes. ( laughter ) so my friend walked backwards and i walked forwards and we got in, and i'm, like, okay, we're in. now we just got to find them. but on the way to find prince who do we find? leonardo dicaprio. >> stephen: what? so you had to slum with leo for a while? >> that's it. some of y'all probably know it, he likes the dark piece of meat off the chicken, if you know what i'm sayin'. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> leo, you know i ain't lying

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on you! >> stephen: i was not aware, but good for him. good for him. >> great for him! >> stephen: yeah. o after we, you know, ditched leonardo -- >> stephen: sure. omebody says, he's behind that door. i said, what are we gonna do? we are in here now. and my friend says, look at me! i look like i could be his cousin! i said that's what we're going with. we march up to a guy that's the size of the door, she says we need to see him. i said, yeah, she's his cousin. prince opens the door and we're, like, hey! and he said, nice try. and shut the door in our face. ( cheers and applause ) that's all i got! >> stephen: but truly, nice try!

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>> i mean, you've got to take the shot. >> stephen: you have to. niecy nash, always lovely to talk to you. >> lovely to talk to you, too. >> stephen: niecy nash and the "claws." season two of "claws" premieres sunday night on t.n.t. we'll be right back with a performance by lykke li. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) it's pretty amazing out there. the world is full of more possibilities than ever before.

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♪ uh nobody drinks, 'till this guy sweats. but be careful, it won't let you down.

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>> stephen: hey, that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jeff glor, david koechner, and musical guest, interpol. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from to have some fun ♪ it's the late, late show