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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I know some moms love being pregnant. They glow and resemble a beautiful goddess. Its not quite as magical for me. I find it oddly fascinating to be a witness to so many weird things happening to my body. Its like I have been abducted and have no choice but to go with it.

Jenny McCarthy pretty much summed it up when she described her lady parts as swelling blue Twinkies. I know TMI I'm sorry but she is on to something. WTF, I thought only my stomach and and maybe ankles were supposed to grow in size! Now I have a pair of hitchhiking Twinkies!

And whats up with the need to change my undies 10 times a day?! Pregnancy and fluids seem to go together like yin and yang. I understand that exercise is very important so I am regularly at the gym. But you see, I sweat like a pig! I am supposed to be a dainty flower, not a oozing mass of perspiration. I could really do without all the crotch sweat. I feel bad for when my fellow gym patrons accidently get an eyeful of my sweaty bits. And YES I always wipe off the machines.

Boobs! Boobs! Boobs! I know I am always talking about my giant tata's, but really I must. Pregnancy doesn't just make them bigger, it turns them into giant torpedoes with dark bulls-eyes. I understand this helps my bundle of joy not get lost when going in for a meal. But it is so not sexy. Did I mention I have sprouted a giant superhighway network of bright blue veins? Yeah, my body is readily preparing them udders for our future arrival.

You see I enjoy making babies, growing them is another story. I trip out when I think about all these crazy bodily changes. I am fascinated by how mammalian I am. I grow and nurse my young, I have udders for goodness sake! Moooooo!!!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Pre kids - What the hell did I do with all my free time? I honestly have no idea...

1st child
*When Ava was born we had a ton of time to bond. I would take a bath with her every single day. We did this for 4 years. Thats a ton of bath time!

*No formula, all breast milk.

*We would take long walks overlooking the ocean.

* I would nurse her down for a nap daily and when that did not work I would driver to holy hell and back to get her to sleep.

*I would make her a variety of healthy and thoughtful meals. I made sure Ava had plenty to eat and made sure she ate enough dinner. I carried snacks and a sippy cup every time we went out, I had a mini grocery store in my diaper bag.

*I always stuck to our schedule.

* I rarely left her side because she was a major clingon. When I did leave she cried buckets.

* Ava did swimming, gymnastics, mommy and me classes, karate, dance, horse back riding, you name it she did it.

*No candy or sweets! I was super controlling about the food she ate.

*I would leave her dinner for her until she ate it all or save it to heat up for later.

*No coming in our bed, ever. Ava still always stays in her bed.

2nd child
*Scarlett does get a bath about every-other day, sometimes every 3 days, but with her sister. I occasionally join them, but its pretty crowded! When she was an infant I would smell her neck folds to see if a bath was truly necessary. No cheese, no bath.

*No time for leisurely walks, but occasional runs with me in the jogger.

* Gave in and gave her some formula, gave my tatas a break

* Naps? What naps?

*I try to keep something to eat in my purse, but usually it is an old bag of crushed goldfish. I never have a sippy, but she learned pretty young how to drink out of my water bottle. I dont worry if she ate enough, I figure she wont starve.

* If she does not eat her dinner, someone else does. Better eat your food here in the Carney house or else someone else will.

*Her schedule is dominated by Ava's school, karate, and dance schedule and my gym classes. She has not done any toddler classes. Thankfully she is in daycare part time and gets to do a dance class at my gym while I work out.

*She happily waves bye when I leave. Happy to be on her own with Daddy.

*Sure, treats and candy arent so bad. Do cookies count as a snack? Chocolate chip banana bread for breakfast? Sure, I figure it has bananas in it...

* Sure if its after midnight I let her int he bed, sometimes if I'm super tired she sneaks in sooner.

3rd child - ????

My goal is to keep it clean and fed, not sure how much more I can promise.

Say hello to family bed, no room for a crib, the girls room is too small. Good things kids are so adaptable...