He said: “Many of the workers choose to dive head first into the oncoming sleigh rather than spend another day carrying Xbox’s and IPad’s.

“I sometimes feel like the tears will never stop but then….I return to my life as an international footballer driving fast cars and kicking a ball around in a meaningless game which contributes nothing to the world.”

“Mr Claus started main lining H at the start of the 20th century when secularism started to fester within Northern European countries.

“He started visiting singles bars with the Easter Bunny and the brother in law of the Tooth Fairy – that’s where he got introduced to cocaine.

“Santa likes gullible people who like to spoil their children. Unfortunately, as people become more educated or apathetic towards old mythologies, his descent into narcotics is only going to get worse.”