I have taken sick leave today. I just wanted to say a huge thanks people who have commented to my post from yesterday. I wanted to let you guys know that I have read each and every comment up until late last night. If it wasn't for your awesome responses, I would have never even dared to ask her about her behavior in first place or she would have never come back home early to confront me about this, after viewing that post on reddit.

I was able to get some sleep. Yes, I’m at my brother’s place, while she is staying with Karen (who is her sister btw). Karen reached out to me late last night and asked if we could meet early morning at a coffee shop and chat. So I did. We talked a lot about what happened yesterday. Since she partly confided in Karen about why she did what she did, here are some key takeaways.

She doesn’t know why she began sleeping with this guy in first place. It just happened.

She feels terribly sorry for what she did to me and hopes we can work things out.

She has already broken up with that guy a week ago. She felt it was wrong and there’s no excuse for it.

She asked Karen to buy stuff from VS using Karen’s cc because she felt it would be awkward to explain it to me if we were to review her finances (we used to do that together to cut her expenses and pay up aggressively towards her student loans).

She claimed that sex with this guy was completely carnal and that there were no feelings or affection involved. She said she got lured by this because her new responsibilities were way too overwhelming for her. But again she maintained that she didn’t know why she started sleeping with this guy in first place.

I don’t think I want to know who this guy is or whether it was him or her who made the first move. Thinking about it is so fucking depressive. I should have noticed how she was able to maintain her body in spite quitting gym late last year? That being said, I still don't understand what must have made her impulsively sleep with that guy and jeopardize our relationship in first place. I think I'm gonna eventually weigh in those reasons before I decide as to what to do next.

I have been trying to assess if I could have picked up any cues that are otherwise typical to a cheater. And it’s so strange that she hadn’t had any of those characteristics. I mean the fact that she confessed she was able to convince her coworkers that she goes to gym across the street instead of using the free gym at her workplace by itself is so infuriating. I don’t think I would have ever doubted her cheating on me, because you don’t see those cliched “staying late after work” or “texting someone constantly” symptoms when she was around at home. I think if I try to understand what made her to get in bed with this guy, I’ll just get myself deeper down the rabbit hole.

Karen also said that even she couldn’t truly understand what was going in her head when she decided to have this fling with a completely unknown guy and put our relationship at stake. Though Karen did make a full disclosure that my gf once cheated on a guy as a teenager back in high school and things turned out ugly back then. I was a bit surprised since I didn’t know this before. We both knew our relationship and/or dating history midway in our relationship, but not this. That was quite a long time ago. And btw, Karen is a sweet lady - she even wrote each of us a letter before we guys moved-in together.

This is so ironic. I lurk on reddit via my main account to get updates on r/apple and r/macos, while my gf used to thoroughly read r/twoxchromosomes. She would sometimes read out a post here and there, asking me what do I think about some post on reddit from a guy’s perspective, entailing into one of those small talks. Little did I know that our life would be one of those relationship questions, to be a topic for small talk amongst other redditors or couples here online.

Nonetheless I truly appreciated your responses. I would have dragged this thing for days or even weeks, getting more and more worried (and obsessed) about my gf behavior. See, when you move-in together, no one ever tells you what boundaries to set and what things to avoid. I think I made a mistake there - maybe I should have checked on her time and again to see if something had been bothering her at work. I think first time living with someone that aren’t your parents or drunk dudes back from college, is always awkward and wonderful at the same time. Don’t take it as an advice but as a takeaway from my ill-fated experience,

Just ask your SO time and again if he or she has anything to share that’s bothering him or her.

I know this sounds like a dumb thing to ask, but when you are new in a relationship or have upped your relationship status, we tend to worry more about getting the dynamics of relationship or new arrangement right, instead of worrying about feelings of that person. I expected that we might get bored of each other one fine day as we grew older and I might end up buying candles at Target to spice things up. But not this.

When she was drained back from work after her promotion (before we moved-in), I seriously thought it would be better if I give her own time and not bring work talk during dinners or when we hung out together. Little did I realize that this could have made her look for comfort elsewhere. I can also affirm that I have been around her as long as she needed me, but I guess we were both busy complementing each other in our apartment by who gets to do what to upkeep of our surroundings, groceries, social responsibilities … instead of just being in moment and listen to one another.

I just picked up my car and got off from my meeting with Karen at coffee shop. I have the remainder of this weekend all to myself. While my brother and his wife have been incredibly supportive, I though of getting myself checked-in to the first available counselor, even if that’s just one time. I haven’t told any of my friends or coworkers about it. So it’s gonna be social life as usual, unless I come to a decision as to what to do next. It’s like you are fucking pissed off for having your trust shattered but then you have need to walk through those broken pieces to get out of it, without getting yourself hurt.

So now our apartment stays deserted while I figure out what to do next. Sorry for the ramble. But thank you, again.

TL;DR Thank you kind redditors of this sub. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have the courage to confront my gf. And if it wasn’t for this sub, my gf would have never come forward for confession, leaving her work midway. All I can say is that this sub gives a new perspective to all things relationshipy, that one might be too afraid to ask people IRL.

Edit: By no means I feel exactly the same for her like I did yesterday or while typing this post. I thought I still cared for her last night, but that gradually got replaced with rage and nausea even when I think about her. Don't worry, I'll be fine as time goes by. I have just confirmed appointment with a counselor and my pcp to get myself checked for anything fishy. The intent of this post was just to show deep gratitude for responses yesterday (and today as it seems). To any guy/gal reading this post in future, teetering between what to do next when you found out you were cheated by your gf/bf - read some of the comments down below - they might turn out to be truly insightful for you.

And my counselor had already read my previous post before I had even checked into her office late afternoon yesterday. She referred to me as "you are the guy who posted about his gf's lingerie behavior, right?" few minutes into our session. Man it seems everyone one on reddit likes to lurk on this sub. I'm okay though, feeling better. Just a bit insomniac.

And my counselor had already read my previous post when I checked into her office late afternoon yesterday. She referred to me as "you are the guy who posted about his gf's lingerie behavior right?" few minutes into our session. Man it seems everyone one on reddit likes to lurk on this sub. I'm okay though, feeling better. Just a bit insomniac.

Nonetheless I truly appreciate your responses. I would have dragged this thing for days or even weeks, getting more and more worried (and obsessed) about my gf behavior. See, when you move-in together, no one ever tells you what boundaries to set and what things to avoid. I think I made a mistake there - maybe I should have checked on her time and again to see if something had been bothering her at work. I think first time living with someone that aren’t your parents or drunk dudes back from college, is always awkward and wonderful at the same time. Don’t take it as an advice but as a takeaway from my ill-fated experience,

Just remember this one sentiment that you keep repeating: She lied so perfectly; there was zero indication. She was able to lie to you, to coworkers, to family - all with zero faltering and zero remorse. Even if she DID break up with the guy a week ago, so what? She banged him for months. Good for her for deciding to end it herself, I guess, but damn how selfish in general.

You're beating yourself up for not asking her about her feelings more. And yeah, communication can suffer in long-term relationships. But she could have just, I dunno, talked to you? If she needed to vent she wasn't required to wait for you to ask. Absolutely no excuse to jump into a stranger's bed.

Things in relationships get stale. Communication falters. We get bored or complacent. Healthy, rational, responsible, and loving people work on those issues rather than betray their partner. Period. They don't just run off.

Good luck, man. You are in for an entire world of hurt. It's going to hurt a lot and it's going to hurt for a long time. You're going to go through all 5 stages of grief - maybe more than once. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. Let yourself say what you need to say. Talk to whoever you need to. Get support wherever you need it. But don't let her win.

Don't let her actions drive you into a deep depression that ruins your own life and happiness. Don't turn to drinking to excess, to drugs, to food for comfort, etc. Don't mope around all day in bed watching TV. And don't go back to her. She'll try so hard. She'll cry and beg. But no, sir. No. She did this thing and she did it for a long time and she did it with not even a hint of hesitation. Don't let her win, man. It's your turn to win. Your turn to better yourself and find out who you are on your own. Your turn to find someone who loves you as truly and as faithfully as you loved her.

You sound like a real cool dude. Obviously I can't know that from just this little bit of text, but I just have a feeling that some girl will be lucky to have you and will know that she is.

It is. As I commented on the other post it will get worse before it gets better. But the level of deception she pulled and how well she lied for so long and had sex with you shortly after him...sorry bro. It’s sociopathic even. I hope you don’t consider taking her back.

risk our relationship.

She didn’t risk your relationship bro. She shat on it. Threw it away and then stomped it some more. Did the same with your heart. I don’t care that she doesn’t know why she did it. What she SHOULD have know is that it was wrong. She should have known how much it would hurt you. But she didn’t stop.

I think she only stopped cause she realized how much money she spent, IT GOT TOO EXPENSIVE lol. As stupid as it sounds. That’s what I think.

Ghost her. Grieve and move on. Focus on you. Cut her out of your life.

Sticking with her would be the easy, immediate gratification path. But she WILL do this again, and she WILL be smarter about how she does it next time. Ripping off the bandaid and leaving now will mean you can start your grieving process now instead of a year from now when you've found out she's done it again.

I’m commenting here in hopes that you get to read this: The carnal excuse holds no weight in a affair that’s been happening for months on end, with thousands of dollars spent on sexy underwear and a lot of sneaking around. Carnal would have been once or twice over a short period of time. Those things happen. It doesn’t make it acceptable, but in my opinion can happen, and that person can learn from those mistakes.

She carried on a long term, fairly elaborate affair and she would have gotten away with it pretty easily had you not had to reach out to a bunch of internet strangers for their opinions. I’m highly doubtful that she broke it off with him, and I’m willing to bet that she’s only reduced contact with him at this point. Kick that bitch to the curb. Is her sister single?

I, just know as OP when your post gets busy it’s hard to see everything and sometimes too difficult to read everything. So I bold a few important points so if you catch at least anything, it’ll be that. Even if you don’t read anything else.

Well that’s good. Also re reading your post. Just wanted to point out a few things.

Cheaters cheat in healthy relationships all the time. There doesn’t have to be a reason for it other than “I wanted to fuck this person”.

Cheaters will always find something to use an excuse. The most typical are “stress”, “work overload”, “likes the attention”, “you were busy” etc. it those are not excuses or reasons. They cheated simpler because they wanted to. Even if you fulfilled their needs, they could still cheat and then find a reason to justify.

In this case, that’s why she has no good excuse other than work and “I don’t know why”. I know why. Because she wanted to fuck this dude. Because it was exciting. It was new. It was hot to her. That’s why. Some of those excuses could be understood in a one time drunk mistake. But in this.

Her cheating is in no way a reflection on you or has anything to do with you or what you could have done differently. So don’t think on that.

In this case, that’s why she has no good excuse other ham work and “I don’t know why”. I know why. Because she wanted to fuck this dude. Because it was exciting. It was new. It was hot to her. That’s why. Some of those excuses could be understood in a one time drunk mistake. But in this.

In this case, that’s why she has no good excuse other ham work and “I don’t know why”. I know why. Because she wanted to fuck this dude. Because it was exciting. It was new. It was hit to her. That’s why. Some of those excuses could be understood in a one time drunk mistake. But in this.

Also, unless it’s accompanied by making a therapy appointment without any prompting from you, “not knowing why” means “I’m hoping you’ll write this off as an aberration so I don’t have to put any work into figuring out why I did this, let alone making any changes.” It’s a warning that you can’t trust it not to happen again.

Also, unless it’s accompanied by making a therapy appointment without any prompting from you, “not knowing why” means “I’m hoping you’ll write this off as an aberration so I don’t have to put any work into figuring out why I did this.” It’s a warning that you can’t trust it not to happen again.

Yup. Cheaters do this all the time. Very good point. That’s how you know they give 0 fucks about you and about actually reconciling. They just want things to go back to how they were as soon as possible. Back to their normality.

They may also tell you things like “move on already it’s been x months”. Nah. It takes as long as it takes and they need to be patient af. They caused this.

Healthy relationships take work. A lot of work. From both sides. Although it's not always 50-50. Sometimes it's 80-20, sometimes it's 20-80. If you want someone, and love them, and want the relationship to work, YOU have to work for it. If there's some kind of feeling that you're having that is important, YOU need to talk about it - don't wait for someone else to broach the subject. If something is bothering you, YOU need to talk about it. If you've having doubts, or any other negative thoughts, you need to do the work to figure out what's really going on, and what to do about it (with a therapist, hopefully). Just acting on something, or doing something because it's easy, that's a fast way to F everything up.

And OP is doing the work here (with some Reddit encouragement), and needs to keep doing the work! After everything, it would be easy to just go back to the comfortable familiar situation, but doing the work is realizing and knowing that you're worth more than how you were treated. And not letting that define who you are or how you move forward, even if moving forward means moving on from a situation that becomes untenable.

Agreed. At first I thought you were quoting a comment of mine from not so long ago lol...but yes. I agree. Good points all around. Typically cheaters want you to just move on and not bring it up again too. But you need to work through it before you can move on

This is absolutely true. But not every time :). And I do it on purpose.

But not for karma, whatever you may believe. I do that if there’s no OP response. Also because I very often don’t bother to read most of the comments, just that top few since they’re the ones that show up. I just want OP to see my message. That’s all. Selfish and maybe narcissistic of me, I know. But I almost always also agree with the comment too.

However, if there’s an OP response, you can look through my comments, I’ll go wherever it is and no matter how deep it is. I empathize with them. I want them to see what I wrote. I honestly want to help them, so much.

Again. I don’t think my advice is better than anyone else, but I actually get anxious for some of the things on here and want OP to read my message as soon as possible. And if the post takes off and gets busy, shit gets lost, lots of useless comments too. So that’s why I do it.

I’m sorry you hate it :(. I’ll take the negative karma if it comes with it.

But not for karma, whatever you may believe. I do that if there’s no OP response. Also because I very often don’t bother to read most of the comments. I just wants OP to see my message. Selfish I know. But I do also agree with the comment often too.

But if there’s a OP response, you can look through my comments, I’ll go wherever it is and no matter how deep it is. I emphasize with them. I want them to see what I wrote. Again. I don’t think my advice is better than anyone else, but I actually get anxious for some of the things on here and want OP to read my message right away.

OP, my dude, I tried to reconcile with my cheating ex. He also hid it well. Seemed to feel no remorse but also stopped his shady stuff himself.

I couldn't move on. The person I was supposed to spend my life with betrayed me in the most vile of ways, and for no real reason just like she did to you. The only way I've made any progress moving on and healing is without that lying douche. I recommend you leave her. You can find a good woman who wont cheat on you for funsies.

Oh man, that's terrible. I think the idea of moving seems to be a common consensus amongst redditors here. And slowly I have begun to realize why. I never thought that even hypothetically if I do accept her back again, will I keep myself beating for what happened? I think I have my answer now. Thanks again.

Reconciliation with a cheating partner is one of the hardest things a lot of us have tried to do. It can be done, but very rarely are the efforts successful. Its torturous. It tends to be something married couple, typically with kids, try to do because they have more to lose.

I had nightmares almost every night. Unwanted mental images of them together. I was filled with hate and anger. It was 100% a traumatic event in my life, probably more traumatic than my moms ex husband becoming an addict before our eyes and taking half my college fund.

I'm doing much better since I left him. Still angry, but no more intrusive thoughts or nightmares or crying myself to sleep for 2 hours.

Good! It's always cathartic to get things out of your head and get feedback from others. That being said, might I suggest a journal of some sort? Maybe dedicate ten minutes a day to just sitting down with a notebook or at your computer and just write down your thoughts as they come in your head. It doesn't have to make sense or even be coherent - the act of putting every thought down as it comes is very helpful for processing difficult emotions, in my experience. A counselor is definitely a good idea but I would suggest giving this a shot as well.

Yeah, see - but that was all a show. Falling to the ground, wailing - it's what sociopaths think they're supposed to do to show how upset they are. They see that shit in a movie or on a tv show and do their best impression of a sad person when the shit hits the fan and they're forced to deal with the consequences of their actions.

The appropriate time for that sort of reaction would be after the first time she cheated, not after she got caught and had to confess. Even then, it would just be to garner sympathy from you in the hopes that you'll stay with her while she cheats with other people.

Remember, she convincingly lied to your face, over and over. She's neither good nor honest. Don't let her crocodile tears sway you from the proper course of action. I recommend that you leave this person and find someone decent, once you've had time to heal.

If you told me this late last night, perhaps I would have made this comment a bit longer. I think when I typed this post earlier today morning after talking to Karen, I was bit taken away. Took me a while to get a grip on reality. I think when I replied to one of the other comments about what my brother said the other night, I realized that I'm just letting "old feelings" getting in way of my rationale. These "old feelings" need to be archived. Thanks.

”Hard to know what percentage of those tears are for themselves, at being found out, or having done it at all, or the loss of the affair partner, and what percentage of those tears are for you and your pain. I tend to think that if you’re as narcissistic as to cheat on someone, you’d have to be pretty emotionally disconnected from your partner (sic). To suddenly get a rush of empathy seems unlikely. That’s why consequences are so important, drawing boundaries. Cheaters tend not to connect the dots until the pain is theirs.”

Theatrics. Smoke and mirrors designed to tug at your heartstrings. Have you wondered if she decided to throw away her under-ware every time why didn’t she buy cheapest ones instead of expensive sexy ones. I bet she was not disgusted and threw them away but she gave them to her lover as a souvenir. This guys apartment is probably filled with your wifes cumstained VS bras and panties.

To expand a bit on what /u/cn2092 said about beating yourself up for not recognizing the signs. If someone is going to cheat on you, they will. There is absolutely nothing that you could have said or done differently that would have prevented it. Nothing!! You have now experienced this first hand. Stop sitting there and doing the should've, could've, would've, thing and beating yourself up about something that you had absolutely no control over. Those were all her decisions and choices and she was able to consummately lie about all of it. Just be thankful that you were able to find out about this now instead of down the road after you married her and possibly had children together. Yes, it's going to get worse before it get's better, but it will get better.

Yup, someone pointed this out awhile ago. Cheaters will cheat even in the best relationships, they'll find a reason and then find some way to justify it, but even if they don't find a way to justify it, they'll at least come up with some bullshit excuses.

Healthy, rational, responsible, and loving people work on those issues rather than betray their partner. Period. They don't just run off.

This is what you need to focus on too. None of this is your fault. Don't feel guilty, don't second guess yourself. Take what you learned and move on.

All that being said, emotional and confrontational communication is hard and is a learned skill for most. People do not like feeling vulnerable and they perceive confrontation as a bad thing. I noticed in my relationships that they don't grow without vulnerability and confrontation. If you're not arguing at points in your relationship than something is wrong. People (as individuals) are continuously changing; consequently, relationships need to change with them. If they don't, complacency sets in and couples stop appreciating each other.

Also, to build upon this post, you're young enough that you still have your whole life ahead of you. You're still growing, and are likely to find the right person at an age when you've both more or less figured yourselves out. It took me until I was 30 to truly get how to love myself and be satisfied with myself. But you don't need to feel any pressure right now. Now is all about you being your best, healthiest, and happiest self.

Good luck, man. You are in for an entire world of hurt. It's going to hurt a lot and it's going to hurt for a long time. You're going to go through all 5 stages of grief - maybe more than once. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. Let yourself say what you need to say. Talk to whoever you need to. Get support wherever you need it. But don't let her win.

Absolutely this right here!

You're going to go through an extremely tough time but things will absolutely get better and you're going to find someone who's everything she was and 10000% more.

There's happiness down the road my friend. You just gotta plow through the shit before you get there.

I will also add that your resolve may be strong now but it will wear you down in time. Be sure that you have a solid support structure and please talk to a therapist if you can. Taking this all on yourself can lead you down a dark path if you let it. Also, if you think of calling her, rub one out first. Just....trust me.

Keep up the good fight, friend. I've been cheated on in six of a total 7 relationships (the 7th being the one I'm in now with my wife) so I know just how it feels and how dark it can get. If you need anything hit me up.

You are very correct here. If she truly loved this man in the first place, she would have never done it. Things will never be the same. I speak from experience.... And to whom wrote the original post..... We're all human and she just wasn't your human, but yours is out there, don't let this wench tear you down and make you think you're not good enough. It just was not meant to be.

You're spot on. Someone willing to go that far, and do it in such a cold fashion is going to do it again, eventually. Trust me, happened to me before. Gave an ex-girlfriend a second chance, she just cheated on me again a few months later. You deserve someone who loves and respects you, not someone who'll just take advantage of you.

That's the thing, she went through all kinds of loops like a fucking gymnast to cover her tracks. Compartmentalization is a real bitch, she knew what she was doing and how to separate it from the relationship.

My first thought when I read about underwear was, that there was evidence of cheating in it.... if you know what I mean.

Ask yourself, if you consider staying with her, because of sunk cost fallacy, or because you could actually forgive and trust her again. I couldn't, esp. since she only came clean after being asked, and even lied at first to keep it secret.

Ask yourself, if you want to stay with her, because of sunk cost fallacy, or because you could actually forgive and trust her again. I couldn't, esp. since she only came clean after being asked, and even lied at first to keep it secret.

Yea, I hate that "it was just sex, there were no feelings" bullshit excuse people like her try to use. That's not how it works and that's not how the other person's feelings work. Fuck off with that bullshit.

Every time the thought comes back into your mind that you might be able to fix things, realize two things: it’s not up to you to fix them, and two, EVERYTIME she is a minute late, running behind, or doing something without you -intrusive thoughts will tell you she’s cheating again. You might be able to hold them at bay for a week or a month, but eventually they will overwhelm you and destroy what relationship is left.

The healthiest thing you can do is cut ties and find someone who respects and loves you.

Well we lied occasionally to excuse ourselves from meeting our friends on weekends or chicken out on one of the 'other' family dinners at her step-mom's invitation. But certainly not this. Thanks though.

Stop trying to justify this, OP. Ditching out on a family dinner =/= fucking a stranger. Even in your post, you're still defending her. It's natural to do after being cheated on, but not healthy or realistic.

Thanks. Yeah, in a way I do hope she is reading this, because I want to make this clear to her - I'm not trying to defend you. I don't give a damn about you or that fucker you said you dumped last week. Do you know how fucked up you sounds, in midst of other comments down here?

Nah you’ll never be able to trust fully even if you can forgive this insanity. You’ll always doubt if she’s telling the truth. Where she is. Who she’s with and what she’s doing. She caused this. You don’t need this.

Honestly I've never been cheated upon. So this feels a bit over the skin. It's strange, I comforted this friend of mine who was once cheated upon and thought he will be fine in a week or two. Now that I think about it, his months of absence from our social scene could be justifiable to that brach of trust. Maybe.

That’s a good sub if you’re interested in reconciling. But I honestly advise against this. She cheated before you. Cheated on you. No reason. And likely only stopped because she couldn’t afford it. Trust will never come back.

Relationships are like glass, sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.

But you do what is best for you. And yes. Definitely get a therapist if it’s feasible for you. Just for yourself.

Thank you. I’m glad you think so. But, even with that said. Remember that YOU need to do what makes YOU happy and wants good for YOU. You don’t owe her anything at this point. She made sure to throw everything you had and everything you thought you knew about her away. So focus on you. Like you said. Be social. Have fun.

But take the time to think it trough too.

If you leave, it’s scary. You know it. But you also know eventually you’ll move on and be happy again.

If you stay. It’s safe. Comfortable and familiar. But, you also know you’ll always be reminded of the pain. And often you’ll imagine her with him at the worst times. Like during intimacy. That one will be the worst. Your mind will go there and before you ever realize it, it’ll be in your head. It will also come back during arguments when emotions swell up. And again. You’ll likely never trust her again and always have doubts. Which will make you miserable and likely cause strain in the relationship as well.

So. A journal may be good, like you said. But, also maybe a list. Reasons to stay and reasons to leave. Or maybe a better list.

If you stay:

If you leave:

Go from there. But a therapist might help you better. However when you see a therapist don’t ask them to help you reconcile. Just ask them to help you move past this and be happy again whether alone or whit her. Whichever.

as a person who's wife cheated on multiple times I can tell you. It is not refillable. You will slowly start to live with it and you will be able to feel a bit better over the course of years but that thought will always be in your head. You will always think about her cheating, about her lying. When she does one small thing like stay out late or be alone with her friends your mind will panic and think about this. I tried to ignore many signs. I placed my trust back on her but as soon as I did she betrayed it. Don't go down the road I did. I do not wish this pain onto anybody. Please think for yourself now. She did all these things to please HER. Maybe it's time you looked at making yourself happy.

This isn't fixable. This is full scale broken beyond repair. Even if she really did break up with him, so what. How can you trust her. She lied to your face and everyone else repeatedly. You only caught her by her doing something weird.
The only way you would be able to trust that she's not banging some other dude, is to keep tabs on her 24-7. At that point, the relationship is unhealthy and toxic. Luckily you aren't married and you don't have kids. Just end it.

And in my opinion, there is no such thing as closure. Assuming you meet with her, and she tells you something, can you believe it? You already know that she is the master of all liars. Would anything she says really help?

I know one thing that I don't wanna talk to her again, ever. At least for now. My only point of contact to her is gonna by via Karen or my brother. I don't think I could trust her, after the surmountable lies she put forth to keep her fling a secret.

At this point, you need to unwind your lives together. Whose name was on the least at the place you guys were living at? Did you have any joint accounts? How were bills shared? etc. Once that is done, you cut her out of your life for good.

You have every right to be. Man this is a fresh wound. This literally just happened. You will be in denial, you will be mourning, you will cry, you will blame yourself and then you will want to keep working thinking it can be fixed. She will make up every excuse under the sun. I bet as the time goes she will pass the blame onto you. But you have to be strong. Don't let anybody tell you how to move on. Don't think you have to rush it and have to get over it this exact moment. No, you will deal with this for a while and you will move at your own pace. You will start to lose yourself and you will not have the same want to do any of your hobbies. You are allowed to do all of these things. But don't lose yourself. You have to remember your worth and who you are. You will learn to smile again in time. This sucks. But time heals all wounds. It's hard to see that now. It's hard to even tell you that. But also know if you ever need a random person to vent to or talk to. I am just a PM away.

She doesn’t know why she began sleeping with this guy in first place. It just happened.

What? Like she tripped and fell on his cock? Sure.

She feels terribly sorry for what she did to me and hopes we can work things out.

Of course she does, all cheaters do. Next thing you know you wont be able to rest easy because she's 5 minutes late after work.

She has already broken up with that guy a week ago. She felt it was wrong and there’s no excuse for it.

I mean...Does it matter? She cheated...

She asked Karen to buy stuff from VS using Karen’s cc because she felt it would be awkward to explain it to me if we were to review her finances (we used to do that together to cut her expenses and pay up aggressively towards her student loans).

Yikes, sounds like someone who covers all of her tracks VERY well. This is someone who knows exactly what she is doing. The whole "It just happened" is bull. She planned ahead and planned it well.

She claimed that sex with this guy was completely carnal and that there were no feelings or affection involved. She said she got lured by this because her new responsibilities were way too overwhelming for her. But again she maintained that she didn’t know why she started sleeping with this guy in first place.

I mean believe whatever you want. Doesn't change the fact that she had someone else's dick in her mouth and kissed you all in the same day.

She cheated man... There should never be any coming back from that in a relationship. The trust.... there isn't any more left. Get out bro.

Yea. The part that got me is that she didnt know how it happened, it just started. Nah. That's not how anything works. I have such a hatred in me for cheaters. There are no "mistakes." You are either loyal and you don't cheat or you don't deserve anything nice in your life. Simple.

I had a gag reflex at that part, like, c’mon, it’s such a brain dead excuse that it’s insulting OP’s intelligence, and I fcking guarantee you that she didn’t broke with the other dude, the other dude broke with her and this was her trying to latch on OP’s insecurities to save face and look like she came clean, people like this are legitimately dangerous because they know how to get what they want and how to play people in order to do so, should the other guy didn’t ditch her she would’ve most likely raised the “you are posting about or relationship on the internet, you are making me so embarrassed” card, but no, she saw OP’s vulnerability moment and tried to exploit it to save *her** own reputation and look like the good gf

I’m glad you were able to get to the bottom of what’s going on. Kudos to you for confronting her and being able to rationally think all of this through.

If I can give any advice, let her go. You are worth so much more than someone like her. It’s going to suck. It’s going to suck so bad. But before you know it you will have moved past this whole shitty situation and you’ll be in a much better head space and place in life.

Crazy story. don’t bother digging further about the “why’s” it will only hurt more. Break it off and move on, she’s obviously not the girl for you. You sound like a good dude, you’ll find someone beautiful, loyal, and who shares your values and you can build a future with them.

I'd like to say something that I feel is very very important and the younger crowd here (both men and women) need to understand.

Ending a relationship when trust is broken is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength.

There's this horrible stigma that you should ALWAYS try to "work it out".

No. NO.

You are worth more than that. You are a human being with feelings and those feelings and emotions are yours. You cannot suppress them and nor should you or anyone else tell you to. Your time, your love, your WORTH is more than that. Life is too goddamn short to waste on lost causes.

You have to live this life. Choose people who want to live it with you, not take it away from you.

I think I made a mistake there - maybe I should have checked on her time and again to see if something had been bothering her at work.

Stop. Stop blaming yourself for this. And stop justifying her reasons for cheating on you. She made a series of choices that led to and carried on an affair. Even if it was a mistake, even if she felt guilty, there were thousands of times she could have stopped but didn't. It was her choice to not talk to you if/when she was feeling overwhelmed. It was her choice to swap numbers with this guy and it was her choice to keep talking to him. It was her choice to stop going to the gym and it was her choice to lie about it to you and to her coworkers. It was her choice to fuck this guy and it was her choice to do it over and over and over again.

So she ended it a week ago? Should we give her a trophy for that? She let the affair go on for over two months! She fucked him and lied about it for two months! She feels bad and doesn't know why she did it? Two months is kind of a long time to not stop doing the thing that is making you feel guilty, isn't it?

Seriously, this is not your fault. She is 100% to blame for the decisions she made. Please don't let her dumb decisions ruin your life or drag you down. They had nothing to do with anything you did wrong and everything to do with her selfishly thinking about her own wants.

Thanks. I get it why most other redditors have been suggesting me the same. I felt a bit responsible, though I feel pretty sickened thinking about what she did. So far there hasn't been any redditor that's said "give her a second chance" ... that by itself is a huge indicator what I must be destined to do forward. Thanks again.

No one can tell you how to live your life, but many of us have gone through this already and can tell you what happens when you go the "give her a second chance" option. There's a reason no one is advocating for that, and it's because it's a stupid ass decision that only leads to more heartache. People have spent decades with a cheater, and no amount of therapy will keep that person from cheating again, even if just emotionally so.

I know man, but you have to look at the pattern here. She lies and cheated for months with no remorse or intention of telling you AND she has done this to at least one previous boyfriend. She lies to others and does so regularly. I am sorry man but this is not a woman you should ever trust again. I would bet my left nut that if you give her another chance she will do this again.

There’s always a desire to rug sweep - to put the mess away, pretend it never existed and have everything go back to how it was before the snap. Be nice if you could, right?

You can’t do it. This will be part of your history now.

How many hundreds of small decision la did she have to make to fuck this guy? To first see him, to walk over, to say hi, to reciprocate flirting...to the point where they are both naked, his erect dick in hand and shes looking at him thinking “yeah, let’s do this!”

And then all the decisions to do it over and over again.

And her whole purging of underwear.

To coming home and fucking You right after him!

And finally the many decisions in crafting all the lies needed to maintain her lies for months.

And, in each of those decisions she didn’t give two fucks about you. Not as lick of caring.

It is natural to feel responsible, no matter how stupid it is to feel responsible.

Just like most abused people convince themselves that the abuse they receive is their fault and they are responsible for being abused. "If only they were a better girlfriend/boyfriend, if I didn't make him so mad, or if I could quit doing things wrong, I wouldn't cause him to abuse me."

People do this as a coping mechanism for their lack of control because people know they can only control themselves. So if the victim is actually the problem then the victim has control of the problem and can solve the problem. When everyone else knows that the victim isn't actually the problem. Its all about trying to regain the sense control of their life.

Next time you catch her cheating, it might feel even better than this time! I am truly envious of your ability to love someone even more after destroying your trust and tossing your relationship in the sewer. Wonder what her lips taste like after months of an affair? Yum!

'Working it out' sets a precedent. She's all about the relationship and saving it at the moment, but a year from now, two years from now- when things start to calm down and trust is built back up, she'll know she can do it again if a situation arises, and you'll be there for her if she gets caught. I'm not saying she'll go out of her way to take advantage of you or your relationship in the future, just that if a guy-at-her-work-gym starts getting close with her while shes feeling vulnerable or 'carnal', she knows the precedent.

​

I think this sub is harsh most of the time- a lot of peoples first reactions are to tell other to break it off. Usually I try and see both sides, or not jump to assumptions, but in most cases of cheating there really isnt another side, its set in stone. Very small exceptions with that list. She says now "I broke it off a week ago", but whos to say thats not one of her many lies that shes just continuing to pile on. She lied at every corner, to you and others. And all these lies arnt even counting the cheating.

​

You are going to do what you want to do at the end of the day, no matter what anyone here tells you. If you dont want to leave her, if you are scared to leave her, you arnt going to leave her- no matter the advice. Closing words- even though she confessed to it, she didnt actually confess to it brother. She got caught. You were pulling back the curtains. She betrayed you physically with sex. She betrayed you emotionally by lying- and she would have kept her secret until you started sniffing her out.

Oh, just to be clear, I never paid her student loans. I was motivated to pay mine by end of this year, it was not few months before we moved in together did I had to push her forward to also consider paying it off earlier instead of racking up on interests later.

Remember what you said. How easy she lied. How she fucked him, then shortly after came home and slept with you. How she had no remorse. Because she went to such an elaborate deception to hide it. It’s sociopathic really.

I think she only stopped because she couldn’t afford it it got expensive lol. She probably realized how much it’s costing her and that was part of wake up call. As someone pointed out she was 30k in debt. So her using sister’s card makes more sense. Not the points. Maybe she lied to sister about that so she’d let her use it. Means she really couldn’t afford to keep going at that rate. Means she stopped not because she wanted to but because she couldn’t afford it anymore

Run and don’t look back bro. Cut her out like the cancer she is and focus on you. Block her on everything so you can grieve and move on.

Even if you could forgive (who could tho?) you would never trust again. You’re young. No kids. No marriage. Move on brother. You will find someone who’s going to be honest and loyal. Not this.

Please. From so one who wasted seven years of their life with a woman who I thought would never cheat on me AGAIN...

RUN. NOW.

It's going to hurt for a long time but you'll be fine and in a better place. Someone who's that good at lying is not someone you want to be around. She will do it again and next time she'll know what to look out for.

I tried. Many times. I blamed myself. SHE blamed me. It took years and years for me to accept I was doing nothing wrong except allowing her to do this to me. I broke I toff and never went back despite her pleadings. As fsr as I know she's been divorced twice since then. Guess what for?

Looking back I was such a fucking doormat because I believed that no one else would ever want me. Now, twenty years on and some I wouldn't even think twice about walking out that door. It's about respect for yourself.

As Terry Pratchett wrote "The age old dream is to know then what you know now. The trouble is that you then was a twerp, and part of the road to becoming the you now was being that twerp. A better dream would be to not to know now what you didn't know then" (Def paraphrased as I don't remember it exactly)

Her responsibilities were way too overwhelming but she had the energy to carry on an affair in the middle of the day, lie to her coworkers, and put a believable show for you... for months. Riiiight. She fucked him because she liked him and was very attracted to him and she didn’t give a shit about anything else. She doesn’t love or respect you. Cheaters lie, bud... a lot. You only got the tip of the iceberg and it was a very minimized version. Did you even ask her to hand over her phone to prove any of her story? This wasn’t the first time she’s cheated. This isn’t even the first time she’s cheated on you. She’s a pro dude. Oscar worthy performances like this are not first time cheater shit. If you stay in her life then you deserve all the bad things that happen in the future.

Well, we both have fingerprint access to each other's phone. But I don't remember either of us ever checking each others phone or messages. To me this woman was just a bookworm who loved her job editing content for a publisher. But I guess I might have overestimated her innocence. Maybe.

Yikes, the amount of disassociation you're going through is painful to read. "Maybe"? Dude, she repeatedly fucked another dude then came home to fuck you like nothing happened. Threw away her panties like that somehow washed her hands clean of it? Also, go get tested. Then Venmo her for the cost of it.

Wow! That's awesome :) It should help a ton with the grieving process. I dragged my ass and ended up really hating myself for a while over something like this. Good luck to you, man, I'm glad you were able to bring this to light. I'm sure if she had her way, you would've never known the difference. Don't ever forget that.

Either way, I’d be out. But if you really wanted the truth. It’s in her phone. And it involves plenty of feelings for this guy. And he’s probably the one that ended it. I’d give it maybe a 30% chance that she actually met him at the gym.

When someone shows you who they are believe them. It’s the actions that speak volumes not the words. You’re only 24. You have a ton of time to settle down. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise and you can be single. Start traveling and meeting other people. Everything happens for a reason and you got the wake up call you didn’t know you needed. Worrying about who she’s with and where she is when she leaves your apartment is no way to live. Lots of good women out there that appreciate a good man and won’t cheat. The universe has spoken to you. Listen!

Please do not take her back. She's not sorry she cheated but sorry you caught her ass.

And also "She doesn’t know why she began sleeping with this guy in first place. It just happened."? I would have struggled not to loose my temper when hearing this, were I in your shoes. Did she fall on his dick? We all know how it happened (even her, no matter what she says): She lusted after someone else (which is normal to a degree, I guess) but then just acted on it with no regard for you or the relationship. That's how it happened.

Please do not start to justify her actions like you are kinda doing to a degree in this post, stuff like saying you should have asked more about her feeling or what not. Nobody's perfect, including you, but when some problem arises, normal people talk about it, they do not go fuck somebody else. If the problems are terminal, then the relationship ends and she can then fuck whoever she wants. That's how normal people handle this. That's not what happened here.

That's all I have to say, because other than that you really did good my man, you were level-headed and made the right calls. Sorry you have to go through this.

I was enraged, but Karen was just a town crier. And I've to take Karen's word for what she said. Yesterday, the first time when she said it was all carnal, I swear to god I was about to burst in a fit of anger. How can someone not know what happened? But then, I just have to take her words as is. Thanks man.

No, you don't have to take her word for anything. You can decide what to believe. You're going through a lot of feelings right now, but I am seeing you kind of slide into excusing her somehow. I know you don't want to feel angry, so you are looking for ways you failed, and ways she just "made a mistske". But with the have been given, she planned it, calculated it, figured out ways for you not to find out so she coud DO IT SOME MORE.

Ahhh, I hope she doesn’t read some of your doubts and your guilts on this point (since she read the last one) and uses it to manipulate you somehow. Reading your post made me sad.. this is in no way your fault at all! If she actually cared to make it work she had plenty of opportunities. This was calculated and full of so many lies. If she had no problem making up so much and just saying what was convenient for her situation, she will do the same to get you to stay. Please stay strong OP! There are so many amazing people who would NEVER betray trust like this and disrespect you like this.

Honestly, I don't ever want to talk to her. But there is this random thought that pops in saying "I should give it a second chance". I felt for her yesterday at my brother's place. If you ask me today - I feel nothing for her atm.

Go DO something. One of your hobbies. Be a fucking man. Your dad wouldnt have sat around on Reddit getting his feelings circle-jerked by random ass people on the internet. Your feelings don't fucking matter. They're chemicals holding back the clear rationalization that she's a lying fucktoy for other men.

Grieve for what you lost and move on, my guy. My ex cheated on me when we were together and I lost all trust in her that persisted the remainder of the relationship. Late from work? Oh she must be with another guy. Text from someone late at night? I bet it's him again. She fucked up huge, bro.

I threw myself into hobbies and work. Got a lot of stuff done, did some cool stuff, it was great. What hurt was when she got knocked up by the guy she cheated on me with on my birthday a few months after the breakup and went on to marry him, but now I don't care. I met someone who, thus far, hasn't hurt me like my ex did.

Mostly fine. She recognized that she made a huge mistake. Allegedly cut off ties with the guy, which I honestly can't verify because they went to nursing school together until she dropped out. But her personality started creeping through more and more. She stopped being so lovey dovey, everything was my fault. Everything was a fight. At one point she took a kitchen knife and stabbed our dresser. Another time she put on that Miley Cyrus movie and put it at full volume. Oh, I have female friends on facebook? Can't have that! My best friend is a woman? You're gonna cheat on me with her, cut her out!

Only reason I didn't immediately leave was because I had just moved 1500 miles to close the gap in a long distance relationship, got enrolled in the local school, all that jazz.

No problem. The point of sharing experiences is to help others with theirs. Granted, my ex was a nightmare of a person, but leaving her was one of the greatest choices I ever made. Sometimes I'm amazed by my wife because being in a loving relationship with someone you love and trust is so much better than not ever being able to trust them. Especially, like in the case of your SO, you have seen that they can't be trusted and are evidence of "once a cheater always a cheater"

It's always this with cheaters. They start off so lovey-dovey and dedicate themselves 110% to you, they're changed, they're different, they'll spend the rest of their lives making up for it because they love you. But weeks, months, sometimes years later, it all just dissolves into what they really are. Then everything's a fight until they cheat again. The lovey-dovey persona is just an act done out of guilt and shame.

First of all thank you for your open and honest account of what happened. You handled all of this like a pro. A lot of people could have let their emotions get the best of them in this situation. I commend you for your maturity.

Secondly, I’m sorry you have to go through this. I have been in your position and I know how earth shattering it is when the person you believe is the one that you can trust the most turns out to be the one lying to you.

After I [29M] was cheated on I went to a therapist to talk through what happened and they told me that cheating creates feelings and emotions that people get addicted to. The endorphins released when doing something they know is totally wrong while doing something carnal become almost more pleasurable than the act itself. What I’m saying is people who have done it once, are extremely likely to do it again. My ex confessed to cheating in a past relationship when we first started dating and told me she would never put anybody through that pain ever again.. four years later she did exactly that.

I know this is anecdotal, and I’m not an expert, and I don’t claim to have all the answers, but you’re young, and whatever you decide, I know you will bounce back from this stronger and smarter. Best of luck my guy.

Hey man. Thanks a lot. When I got myself for an appoint to a relationship counselor, I thought it's just gonna be one time. I think you maybe right though about one thing - cheating can be habitual. 4 years is incredibly a long period. I saw some other posts with 20 year old marriages dissolving in thin air and here we are battling with 3-4 years of infidelity from our SO. Thanks a lot.

The worst part is that now you stat questioning everything. How do you know she hasn't had any 1 night stands, how do you now know that nothing ever happened? She lied for months so well that the only thing you thought was off is that she was shopping a lot for under wear.

You did not do anything wrong here. The fact that she could lie so well to everyone that nobody knew about this is scary. I think you need to stay away, especially since she claims she doesn’t know why she did it. That shows she’s impulsive and doesn’t care about consequences. All this makes a recipe for a serial cheater. Doesn’t necessarily mean she will cheat again in the future with whatever partner she has, I’d just say it makes her highly likely to. The only way to guarantee she won’t cheat on you again, is to make sure she’s never your SO again. Take time to recover from this blindsiding TKO, and step back out stronger and wiser.

Don't try to figure out the deep pyschological reasons she did it. There's a whole series of mindfucks she has set up. But one thing is clear, YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS. she did because she felt entitled to it. If she was having a hard time with work or in the relationship, she should have discussed it with you.

Yes. I know I'm not the one to blame. But I'm sure anyone that being cheated upon has these flood of doubts if he or she were supposed to be partly responsible for what happened to them. Anyways thanks though.

Of course, these doubts and feelings are completely natural. In a sense, it's a way to feel control again. "Yea! I can fix this! I control this outcome! "

This is a completely normal reaction, and it's incredibly hard to learn to accept that you aren't responsible for your partner's actions. It'll get better with time. Learning to trust again, will also be learning to not to internalize the other person's failures.

It's also important to remember that love is a choice. Everyone likes to talk about it like things will just fall into place - that's not reality. Love requires we make consistent choices day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade to do the loving thing.

That means when things are hard, you make a choice.

That means when temptation is present, you make a choice.

A cheater with a long term affair makes a choice again and again and again and again and again to do the unloving thing.

Did you have flaws? YES. EVERYONE DOES. Are there things you could have done better - for yourself, for her, for the relationship? YES.

You have to accept that's the case with every relationship - siblings, parents, friends, co-workers, clients, lovers. There's always things we can do better.

But every time she made the /choice/ to cheat, she was making the /choice/ to degrade the value of your relationship and her love for you. At any point, which were multiple points, she could have made the decision to stop cheating, come clean, and work on the relationship.

But again and again, her choice was to try to have her cake and eat it, too.

You didn't make that choice, she did. There was always a chance to improve the relationship. Sometimes relationships are 100/100, sometimes 50/50, sometimes 70/30. You're there to support each other through good times and bad. You turn to each other for that support, you communicate what you're lacking or need and give the other person a chance to try to do that for you.

You don't consistently build a second, hidden life so you can selfishly have security of a relationship and the excitement of a passionate, secretive affair.

She did that - not you.

I'm a happily married woman in my early 30s who has been with my SO for 15 years, got together at the tail end of high school.

Communication is the single most important thing a relationship needs to not only survive, but to thrive. Communication requires two people - you can't communicate with someone who refuses to speak to you. That's not your failing - that's hers.

Hey, OP, perhaps the only thing you missed is a girlfriend buying underwear usually means cheating. That’s what I first thought reading your post. BUT her behaviour WAS odd. You sound grounded. Most people on this sub blame the cheater. End of story. But you have taken the time to reflect on how you two got to this place and you’ve learned some lessons and given good advice to others. That’s very sane. You will do well in your future relationships

I think when you know you are in a relationship with a person you trust, there's no way you could ever even picture that someone as being a cheater. There is part of me that still wants to believe her (and I know some people reading this might counter react), but it seems like a roller coaster to even forget someone. I don't know how to explain, perhaps it might take some time to get over this. Thanks again.

In everything you said, it stands out to me that the perfect lies she was telling were not an indication that she was cheating. You said there was zero indication, no cliche staying late at work, etc. She was able to so perfectly hide this part of her life, that it makes you wonder what other things she is hiding or has hidden, will be able to hide.

Frankly, for me? This behavior is unforgivable. Drunk at a party? One time? Sure. Habitual meetups with some dude at your gym? Unacceptable. Carnal sex? You're done.

She doesn't deserve to see your face. She doesn't deserve you. Don't go down the rabbit hole of what you did wrong, because this is 100% her and nothing to do with you. She got "lured" (whatever that means? I mean, it's your responsibility to be faithful to your exclusive boyfriend).

I'd take a day. Clean out everything you have in the apartment while she's at work. Block her number, social media, everything. Excoriate the cheating cancer in your life. Ask your brother if you can stay with him for a bit til you find your own place. Don't look back.

I don't think I wanna know how many times they did it. I think the more I gather it, I'm decoupling her from her "it just happened" stance i.e. if it was once I might have reconsidered. But hey, I don't know how many times she has slept with this guy and my mind (at first) was willing to fool me that this "just happened once". Thanks though.

She could have done it every day. I saw someone else post awhile ago that they had a relationship with a married coworker and she adjusted her schedule so she could leave 30 minutes early. They used to fuck every day in his car for months. Sometimes even on lunch breaks. Sometimes when she told the hubby she went out with the girlfriends, the guy would pick her up from the bar/restaurant for awhile. If cheaters want to cheat, they want to cheat. You don't need a lot of time.

She also told her coworkers she was going to the gym across the street, does that mean she was going to his gym or instead of going to the gym she was going to see him?

Fuck You for cheating on me. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, he’d gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Fuck you. This isn’t about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned.

Heartbreaking story. I've been there, trying to go down the rabbit hole of the "why's" an ex fucked a guy, and let me tell you this, years from now you'll look back and it'll all be silly, self-harming petty things that contribute nothing to your personal growth. The sooner you let that go, the better. Also let me tell you, "it's just carnal" doesn't cut it. Who amongst us haven't fantasized about other folks? Who doesn't have "carnal" desire? But you know what the difference is? Responsible, relationship-worthy adults don't act on it like rabbits.

Most of the time this sub suggests breaking things off because guess what, 90% of the time it's just not gonna be worth it. The other 10% requires extraordinary circumstances that generally have BOTH sides having done pretty terrible things to each other and now BOTH sides are looking to rebuild. It also does not include "maybe I should have talked or listened to her more lest she get horny and shag the first guy she runs into at the gym".

Whatever you decide to do next, remember the first reaction this woman had when "given" an opportunity to come clean to you, was constructing a pretty complex lie on-the-spot that she knew would be hard for you to verify as a guy.

Whatever you decide to do next, remember the first reaction this woman had when "given" an opportunity to come clean to you, was constructing a pretty complex lie on-the-spot that she knew would be hard for you to verify as a guy.

Probably a lie. She might break up with him now, now that she's caught, but maybe not.

completely carnal and that there were no feelings or affection involved

Translation: she likes him for sex, and you for financial support.

She said she got lured by this because her new responsibilities were way too overwhelming for her.

That's bullshit rationalization. I give her credit for originality though; usually they just say it's because you didn't pay enough attention to her or talk about your feelings enough. Whatever. Somehow, it's never actually her fault.

Her sister's comments that your GF has done this before suggests that this is how your GF ends relationships when she's ready to move on. It's called an exit affair.

Oh, just to be clear, we still have separate finances. I made it clear early on before moving-in that we might gradually have a joint account if and once she crosses a certain target of clearing her student loans. All I did his put brakes on her ambition to buy a new car (and use mine instead) because she could better use money on that new car towards her student loans.

By the way "exit affair" - that sounds like a term worth considering what this thing might have been. Thanks.

Thanks. I think I made it quite clear to her that "I'll talk when I'll call"

Honestly, I don't think I'm even gonna talk to her. My brother and perhaps Karen would be the only way I might convey what would be between us moving forward.

Oddly enough, the counselor knew me beforehand. This is the only "happy moment" through yesterday. I had this appointment with first available counselor late afternoon on Friday to discuss about this ongoing fiasco and my well-being. Within just 2-3 minutes, my counselor interrupted "You are the guy who posted on relationship sub about her lingerie spending ..."

I think my counselor must have entertained herself reading about my previous post and she pulled her tablet and began reading what I wrote, as part of counseling exercise. For few minutes midway, she even pulled one of the comments and asked me how I feel about that remark ... I wonder how many people lurk around on this sub?

OP, please, please, please break up with her. I know it's hard to because of all the previous memories you've made with her, but you deserve better. I get that you still love her, but does she really love you? Can you really say that she does after knowing what she did to you? She's only going to hurt you more if you stay with her. You don't really know her, OP.

I think if I try to understand what made her to get in bed with this guy, I’ll just get myself deeper down the rabbit hole.

Honestly, I don't think it really matters anyway. Sometimes a persons ho-ishness is the only thing that causes them to cheat, and there is nothing you did or could have done differently. If he made the first move, she's got a mouth, a mind and a voice to say the word "No", but she did not.

Hopefully you edited this post. The amount of self blaming was just too much. At end it almost sound like you spread her legs by force for let another man fuck her.

She cheated on you because she decided to. You could have daily asked how she feels she would have still fucked this other dude. And who cares who made the first move ? In both case she is a shitty person. If he knew about you he is a shitty person too. But he owns you nothing.

Her excuse it was purely carnal is B.S. does her lying to you was purely carnal or just for a smart move for protect her selfish ass ?

I think what I wrote in this post was early Friday morning, when I woke up after sobbing about "Could that be me?". It's 4:28 am here, and some 22-24 hours later, I feel like I'm not the cause, I'm the victim here. Moving on from her is a totally different story. Thanks again.

Op she knows exactly why she did everything. She isn't a 6 year old that doesn't understand why she does things, she's an adult making rational decisions. Please don't be fooled by someone who you've already confirmed is capable of perfectly executing months of lies without detection trying to slip one more in there in the hopes that she fools her own conscience and starts to buy her own bullshit.

Wow dude, that absolutely sucks. No one deserves to be cheated upon, please don't beat yourself up about it. You'll pull through, kudos to the counselor's appointment, no shame in talking shit through with a professional!

One thing to keep in mind about why she was so sad and crying. It wasn't because she hurt you or cares about you. It's because now it's an inconvenience to her entire way of life.

Think about it. She has now lost her comfy complacent relationship with you where everything was stable, and she lost her racy exciting fling.

I guarantee you she didn't break up with this guy. She knew you were becoming suspicious and probably made a move to make this other guy her main man. Thing is, no guy wants to actually date a cheater or have a relationship with one. As soon as this guy found out she wanted more than just a casual hookup he noped out of there.

So she effectively lost both relationships in one week. She is sad, but only for herself. If she cared about your feelings she wouldn't have been fucking this other man.

It's the classic cheater mistake. Once the main relationship explodes they turn to the other person and say "now we can be together" without realizing they didn't actually want to be with the either.

I am so sorry for your loss. Now it's time for you to grieve. And know this, grief isn't experienced in a straight line. There's no time limit that says, one I reach this point, I won't hurt anymore. Grief is like a nightmare roller coaster. You will experience the full gamut of emotions in a squiggly tangle over time.

Remember to breathe. hugs Take it day by day. Try to use logic over emotions when making big decisions. (Where are you going to live, who is going to move out, etc)

No. This is not your fault. Cheatees always do this, they always start blaming themselves and trying to figure out what they've done wrong. It's the only way to make sense of someone you love the most betraying you like that, is what did I do wrong, what could I have done to avoid this.

She is the one who decided to solve her problems by sleeping with a stranger. At any time, she could have been the one to bring up work during dinner if she was that stressed out by it or if she was unhappy/unsatisfied. There is no excuse for inviting someone else into the relationship behind your partner's back. Please think about how thorough she was about this, OP. You can never trust her again. If you do trust her again, she'll just be even sneakier the next time she does this, then the next. She's already proved how heartless and manipulative she is.

Yeah omfg dude you need to not question yourself and just move on! I know it is hard but don't go there. And is "it was just carnal" supposed to make it better? Sorry that would not help me. Like oh great.. You imploded everything for someone you didn't even care about. Wow thanks.

What she did was not an impulsive decision, OP. She knew him months before sleeping with him. It was a deliberate decision on her part to cheat on you. I also don't believe for a second she broke up with him a week ago. She was reaching for a plausible enough timeline to make it seem like she decided to end it before getting caught. Move on. I hope you find a girl who will appreciate you better. You sound like a good guy. Good luck.

Bruh, don't even consider staying with her. Get your shit together and move on. Don't talk to her, or even acknowledge her existence after you no longer have to.

When girls say, "it just happened", it most certainly didn't. She didn't do it because she was overwhelmed by responsibility. He was probably just cuter than you, and she didn't think she'd get caught. Any girl with weak character like this doesn't deserve an ounce of your time or respect.

Leave her and work on yourself. Become the best man you can, and find a girl who treats you as such.

When girls say, "it just happened", it most certainly didn't. She didn't do it because she was overwhelmed by responsibility. He was probably just cuter than you, and she didn't think she'd get caught. Any girl with like this with weak character like this doesn't deserve an ounce of your time or respect.

She doesn’t know why she began sleeping with this guy in first place. It just happened

So, she just a primitive animal with no free will, reasoning process, morals, responsibility? Even insects have some.

I think she knows why she did it very well. She just does not want to share it. She probably wants to be considered as a person who can do whatever they want with no consequences and responsibility, does she?

Relationships take work. Those who cheat are weak and cowards. They take the weak way out by cheating. It’s nobody’s fault but theirs. A strong person would have brought any issues up to their significant other with the intent of fixing the relationship or ending it. A cheater will never do that because they are weak. Move on from this relationships as a stronger person. She was weak and you are strong. Remember that while you are healing.

She knows why she slept with this guy in this casual, carnal, and clandestine manner and I can tell you now what it probably was:

​

This other man was probably exceptional in some way (perhaps had a killer gym body or top of his field or whatever) and he was assertive and made a strong move towards her. That is sometimes all it takes if someone is susceptible to this and that susceptibility can merely be due to her basic nature and not having anything to do with you or the relationship. Some people are just more prone to this type of thing.

​

She certainly didn't cheat with him because he was unattractive. There is no upside for her in admitting the reasons why she was cheating. It's better for her to play like a dumb, confused girl that stuff just happens to.

Thanks. I was reading one of the other comments and it occurred that if a woman flirts with a random stranger, it's all about validation. But as I put it in redditors words - cheating is a whole new level of assholery.

Well, if she flirts too much with random guys, then take that as a red flag. That can easily either end up hurting you OR lead to cheating. How do you think women that want to cheat meet men?

I can hear shady women now "well, it's just flirting!" They think they can add a "just" in front of things and it always changes it. It's how they justify their own behaviors.

Well, if she is flirts too much with random guys, then take that as a red flag. That can easily either end up hurting you OR lead to cheating. How do you think women that want to cheat meet men?

Well, if she is with and flirts too much with random guys, then take that as a red flag. That can easily either end up hurting you OR lead to cheating. How do you think women that want to cheat meet men?

I was there. My ex started talking to someone online, made it abundantly clear that they were just friends, even showed me texts that seemed purely platonic. She ended up cheating on me behind my back, even planning a trip halfway across the continent “to help find herself” lies done in such a way that it seemed so improbable that she was cheating on me. I talked to her constantly about her emotions. I constantly asked her if she’s okay and did what I could to make her life as good as it could be, and I was still cheated on.

Op do not beat yourself up over this and think things like “if only I asked how her day was” cause those lead to endless depressive holes. Your ex made the decision to go behind you and cheat. Your ex chose to betray you instead of, you know, not cheating or breaking up with you. NONE of that falls on you.

Your lack of asking is maybe an element of why she considered it, but do you really think she was thinking “he didn’t ask how my day was, I’m gonna sleep with another man”. There’s SO MANY steps between “mildly dissatisfied” and “cheating”.

If I feel like my current gf isn’t listening to me or doesn’t care about what I’m going through, I tell her. I tell her “I’m currently going through a rough time and need you to check up on me”. If I still feel ignored I can sit her down and talk to her. Or request therapy. Or ask if she still wants a relationship. If I really feel like my needs are unmet, then we break up. But nowhere there do I think “I’ll just sleep with someone else for a few months”. That’s not healthy thinking. That’s not good thinking.

It is not your fault dude. It is nowhere near your fault. She chose to be a bad person. You didn’t push her. I won’t lie and say I haven’t gone through a lot. I feel like I got out easy compared to other posts here though. I’m just letting you know cause I felt like you did too. I felt like it was my fault I was cheated on. But I sat down and thought, “was booking a flight to the middle of the continent to meet someone from the other side of the nation really easier than asking me to be better” or “was talking to someone behind my back for months, lying, and crushing me, easier than just saying ‘I want to break up’ or ‘I don’t want to renew the lease w/ you, we need space’”.

In your case, was lying for months not to you but to everyone she knew, really easier than saying “hey work is stressful right now, I’d really like it if you paid a bit more attention to me”.

It's this push-pull between fix things up or just let her go. My brother thinks to sleep on it until the air clears. Brother's wife was the first one to tell me to just let her go. She even sent her a nasty message late last night. I think reddit keeps on suggesting to cut things off and move on. Which is 51.1% right thing to do, except it's too hard to even fathom taking this step.

Been cheated on before, any feelings I had utterly died when realizing. Leave it in the relationship grave and move on, step by step. You're young and your worth is pretty high up there, and it'll increase as you live on.

Don't ever bother trying to find a reason to justify the actions she ever took. Dead the sister as well, she's the proxy and should only be in contact with you on logistics on untangling the life you both were trying to weave. For all you know she's always been cheating, even the sister claimed it. CHEATER from the START. Sister knows and will try to help damage control, that's HER sister; you won't even know if the sister does the same shit. Some way, somehow they'll find themselves blaming you for their own actions lol.

The way I see it, girl had no value to begin with if she did that shit long long ago and it shows in your posts. You've dated a mask, one side of her she shows only to you and the guy fucked her real self. She's so fucking good at it that it didn't even raise any flags until now. Unless her paradigm changes, she'll always find a way to cheat.

This woman was never marriage material. Be glad you didn't marry this piece of shit. Good luck, finding a woman who's actually all there is now a rarity, too rare.

I certainly do not see anything with her atm, to be honest. I guess I'm really angry for past hour. I might cool down a bit. I think what I'll end up ruminating is one thing - how the heck did she cover her lies so perfectly. I mean it boggles me when I saw her lies surfacing blatantly, once that singular thread was pulled. It's surprising how some people have "other side" to them that one might have not even known even few years into relationship. Thanks though for your reply.

Here's one thing that's been bugging me. You mentioned that bra that you liked and it's gone. Means she wore it for him. Means she bought nice and sexy lingerie to wear for HIM. Has she been wearing it for you?

That strikes me as a deep blow for some reason. Also it's not uncommon for cheaters to do things with affair partners that they don't do with their partner. Like some would give them head where normally they wouldn't with their SO, or do anal, or do threesomes or other shit. They're much more likely to test new grounds and do stuff they might not be really into - just to please the new affair partner. Because everything about them at the moment is hot and new and exciting.

I made it to your updated post and read the previous ones. It hurts when the lie is so perfect and your trust was so perfect, too. Honestly though, so happy you got out of it- no matter when and how, but you got out. I'm really glad you're making it a priority to look after yourself. You're already doing better. :)

Sounds psychopathic. There's nothing that can excuse her behaviour and no amount of questioning on your part is going to change what happened. Please don't blame yourself or ask what you could have done to spot the signs. She was incredibly deceitful. Some people are not capable of feeling remorse until they are caught... even then, I don't think it's even real remorse.

I’m late to this party, but OP, you are going to be ok :) finding this out now vs after you are married or have kids is such a blessing. She’s got to go on and look at the people in her life in the eye knowing she fucked up. You don’t.

So go recover, get a therapist, take time. Then go live a good life and find a good partner for you. Good luck kind sir. Do your best to keep your head up.

i know there is the the "hit the gym lawyer up, blah blah blah" Reddit thing, but honestly hitting the gym and working on making your self the best self physically and mentally can be a great escape from this with super positive side effects.

I know people go back and forth on revenge... the best revenge is living your best life. you feel better, you progress in your career, you grow, you are in a better position for the next person in your life and the person who cheated on you has glimpses of what they messed up and lost out on at which point you likely don't care any more.

Good luck OP, but to be curt: there is no “figure out what to do next with her.” She’s a liar, a manipulator, and a serial cheater. Never, ever give this woman the time of day again. Get your stuff and move into your own place. Move on with your life my friend, as hard as it will be.

I hope you find the strength to break up with her. I know you think we don't know her like you do, and you are right, but the odds are against you, she's more than likely to disrespect you again. You deserve better than this, don't waste any more time or energy on her, move on, find yourself, heal, and one day you'll find someone who deserve your trust.

Oh and for what it's worth I am willing to bet this is NOT the first time it's happened. It's just the first Tim you now know about. Oh, and the dude is probably someone she works with, not someone she randomly met.

I'm glad you found out the truth! Sorry this happened to you and I hope you heal quickly and can enjoy things again! Sounds like she's a bit of a psychological liar, lies just to lie, so sorry, best of luck!

I feel so sad for you. Tell me though, what was the first thing that came to your mind when you discovered your girlfriend's strange behavior? Cheating didn't come to mind? If it honestly didn't you are far too innocent. Many of us guessed that to be the case right away.

I had some questions, I forgot to ask. If it hadn't been the strange occurrence with underwear, you wouldn't have suspected anything? You never felt anything was amiss. Some change in behavior, attitude, mannerism? Does she go out often without you? When she does what does she say she is going to do? Going to the gym? Hang out with friends? Does she stay out late often? Does she spend the night elsewhere like at parents, siblings, or friend's frequently? How often do you spend the evening and night together? How often do you eat dinner together? Do you (did you) have much of a domesticated life like coming home, making dinner, eating dinner together, hanging out and going to bed? Did you go to the grocery store together? I mean a normal life of a couple together?

Time and time again it's always that: man cheating on a woman or woman cheating on a man. It's like an endless loop.

Why is it so difficult or impossible for so many people to keep faith? Perhaps people with such proclivity ought not to be in monogamous relationships. I believe open relationship/polyamory would be optimum solution for these types of people. The problem though, I suppose, is people with open relationship/marriage or polyamory mindset are such minorities that they probably would be able to find enough people out there who have the same inclination. The dating/relationship pool for such folks are so so small. That is why they try serial monogamy, yet fail miserable to remain faithful.

I know you don't want to see the face of your girlfriend anymore. But it was I, I would like to speak to her once more, perhaps a long conversation, to gain some insight for my own experience for future frame of reference and to seek closure. By that I mean, if you didn't have that many relationships of medium to long term duration, then you probably don't know women of different nature/characteristics/personality. When you come to know quite a few up close than you can categories those personalities. After all, in the study of psychology that's what to do, group personality types. Why this is important? Because next time around if you meet another woman who is of similar nature to your girlfriend, you may wish to steer clear of that person and not move in together.

More importantly, you ought to talk to her to find out how often dis she have sex with him and what kind of protection did she use? If it wasn't condoms, then you ought to get tested and suggest she do the same. And she better not be shy or wishy washy about this serious matter.

So, if I were you, I would want know:

what motivated her?

Was she bored with the type of intimacy and sex you were having?

Does she have a higher sex drive than you?

Did she feel an animal attraction towards that fellow? Was it right away or was it gradual?

Whether the feelings were instant or gradual, did she think about you?

She said it was just sex. Most women I know, including my spouse say they cannot separate emotion, emotional involvement and sex from each other. That they wouldn't be able to have sex with a person they are not emotionally invested in. Your girlfriend seems to be the exception to the rule. While I don't want to sound sexist, her mindset is that of many men, who compartmentalize sex and emotion/love. How come she never expressed those feelings/attitude in life to you earlier while you were dating and even soon after moving in? Moving forward, if she still believes sex is just sex, how does she envision marriage and children in the future? If she really loves you how could that tender love for you didn't remain in her mind when she met that fellow? Does feel she needs variety of men to have sex with? Is sex her highest priority in life?

If you were to continue to be a couple, how would she know that she wouldn't have any more desire for carnal sex in the future?

What price is she willing to pay, what sacrifice is willing to make to demonstrate that she really loves you and wishes to be with you?

I feel like I'll be writing it on notes.app, as I have begun jotting down my thoughts since yesterday. But anyhow, since you've put in so much effort writing this comment, let me reciprocate by replying to your comment,

Tell me though, what was the first thing that came to your mind when you discovered your girlfriend's strange behavior?

The way she ignored my question when we were in bed and I enquired about her orange bra, it triggered some suspicion. When I saw our common area, those stacks of undies seemed too odd. Isn't it weird when some items in your apartment have suddenly accrues without you even not having told about it? I won't deny that the thought of her cheating on me occurred to me (but only for a brief moment), but she did have terrible bleeding issues mid last year, so I thought maybe she got rid off her stale inner wear. But yeah, the though of her selling it online never occurred to me.

Cheating didn't come to mind?

It did, for a very brief moment. But then I said to myself - her and cheating? Impossible. She isn't even staying late at work. In fact our sex life used to be great after we moved-in. As there were no distractions from annoying roommates when we were over each other's place. I just ruled out cheating. What I was worried was if there was indeed something, how offensive would it be to ask her, "Hey, I noticed your collection of blah blah and blah blah is losing count ... what's going on?". At least that's how I wanted to ask her, for what happened to her pair of orange undies.

If it hadn't been the strange occurrence with underwear, you wouldn't have suspected anything? You never felt anything was amiss. Some change in behavior, attitude, mannerism? Does she go out often without you? When she does what does she say she is going to do? Going to the gym? Hang out with friends? Does she stay out late often? Does she spend the night elsewhere like at parents, siblings, or friend's frequently? How often do you spend the evening and night together? How often do you eat dinner together? Do you (did you) have much of a domesticated life like coming home, making dinner, eating dinner together, hanging out and going to bed? Did you go to the grocery store together? I mean a normal life of a couple together?

No, I would have never known if it wasn't for that strange occurrence. Nothing was amiss. She came back home during her regular hours. Sometimes after work, if we weren't watching Netflix, or doing anything else, we would go out together to a restaurant or probably hangout with friend from college (most of us stay nearby). She doesn't have a car (or at least I've advised her not to get a new car and put that money towards her student loans instead), so I drive her around or she takes mine. Subaru being stick shift, she rather prefers Uber or Lyft when I'm not around. I think same goes with her girlfriends - one of them usually picks her or drops her off when they used to hang out together. She spends nights at Karen and her newborn. That happens probably one weekend every few weeks. I can say one thing - our life was pretty domesticated. We had great time in bed though. Groceries, sometimes we used to go together, the other times split our responsibilities if one of us didn't want to vacuum and clean our apartment (most likely that would have been myself). Our life was pretty normal. We fought, but that was about her reluctance to not meet my friends or probably when I mixed up stuff in kitchen or had the habit to leave leftover on dinner table instead of deep freezing it. These were the topics of our quirky quarrels. The only major fight we had was when I let a friend from hs (a pretty good friend of m growing up) stay over at our place for few days, since he was looking for jobs and trying to move to this city. She felt that my friend should have never overstayed at our place (a week instead of 3 days). She felt a good friendship isn't a strong reason enough for someone to overstay with a couple.

Does she have a higher sex drive than you?

Oh yeah, she does.

Honestly, none of my friends had those flirty vibes when they were around her. I trust my friends and at least I thought I trusted her.

What I read and understood is that you won’t be able to forgive her, or if you can, then remember if she manage do sleep with other man without 0 reasons just because, then it might occur again... Maybe if there was something wrong in the relationship that caused that line of actions then MAYBE you can work this out, but personally for me it would be the end. So good luck and stay strong!

Yeah sorry for you, but don’t be sorry for yourself. Gotta lift your chin and in a few days get back to socializing. Use the sob story to pick up a new girl (just remember mention it but don’t dwell on it).

Sounds like your ex is going through a quarter/mid life crisis to be honest. You do stupid things when you feel you’ve artificially peaked.

Hey, just a tip on counseling. Your first counselor might not be the right fit, or your second. It might take a few tries but stick with it and you will eventually find one that works for you. Just don't quit or get discouraged if the first few don't work out.
Best of luck man but it sounds like to me you're going to turn out ok soon enough.

Insecurities on her part. Your compliments were not enough to confirm her value, her beauty, whatever. On top of that, her moral values are crapper than crap itself.

I'm a woman, in a relationship. I'm sometimes unhappy with my bf's actions or words. When I am, I flirt with others. We've been together for a long time and I never cheated. Why haven't I cheated? Well, because I respect the hell out of him, even when he pisses me off. But I do sometimes seek validation from others. I overspend on clothes, I flirt with people I've barely met and I'm addressing innuendos to whoever tries to make a move at me. Then I ghost those people. My validation was obtained, I go back to my man. Without having fucked anyone else.

Cheating is one level of assholery I'll never reach. Before him, I was the master of abrupt break-ups. And still never cheated, ever.

Sure, I'm at fault for flirting with others. But it never takes more than an hour of flirting with one person, and it never gets anywhere further than words. I'm fucked up like that.

On the other hand, man your girlfriend makes me feel like a saint.

She's not worth your while. You seem like a nice dude and she treated you like crap when she could have left your dignity intact. She could have asked for you two to break up, if she was SO much wanting to fuck another guy. But she didn't. She made you stick it where the other dude stuck it, and she thought changing panties would solve the issue. Guess what, you need to change the entire pussy and the woman around it.

Thanks. I think I would have never liked the idea of her flirting with someone. But now it somewhat confirms - it could have been all about validation for her. I truly appreciate your honest reply. It puts a lot of light on how women function, in absence of validation.

Man, I feel you on all of this. I’m glad she came clean, and I’m sure the post had a LOT to do with that, but if not for your post...she’d have kept on lying to you. She did when confronted with evidence, and you even inadvertently gave her an out (selling used panties online), but it was so much worse. She had enough of a soul to finally feel the guilt, but it’s not something you come back from. Forgiving a drunken one-night-stand is one thing, but a months long affair? She was amazing at hiding it obviously, and now...she’s learned how to hide it EVEN better.

I know you said that continually questioning your SO on suspicious behavior may yield results, but it didn’t for you, and honestly didn’t for me either. I begged, for the only time in my life, for my wife to come clean about cheating. I was an absolute mess, gave her 6 months to mourn her grandmother while I buried the pain of betrayal, came to her after subduing a minor panic attack, barely able to breathe, tears streaming down my face, begging her with everything I held sacred, for her to finally tell me the truth. Instead, she feigned offense, and guilted me for not trusting her...Some people, can lie as easy as breathing, and your GF along with my wife is one of them. She didn’t admit it until after we broke up, a full 2 years after it happened, and just like with you, any evidence was quickly and easily explained away. Just...do yourself the biggest favor you can and get out. It’s going to hurt, and who knows for how long, but staying in this situation is far more damaging to you than cutting ties. My thoughts are with you, bud...Good luck.

Hey man stay strong. Don't tell anyone else if you try to work it out, but honestly as someone who tried to work things out with a cheater don't bother. This wasn't a one night drunken mistake and she purposefully hid it from you. I know it hurts but you'll never be able to trust her again. Whenever she doesn't text you back right away or whenever she's not home on time you're going to wonder what's going on and it's going to eat you away inside until you're a shell of the man you want to be.

It was ALWAYS going to end this way. It was clear she was fucking someone. Some guys just miss the obvious signs or don’t want to see them fir what they are. The new knickers were to hide the scent of sex. Nothing more. There are no unicorns. AWALT my friend....always.

When she was drained back from work after her promotion (before we moved-in), I seriously thought it would be better if I give her own time and not bring work talk during dinners or when we hung out together.

You did nothing wrong. Your girl made a conscious decision to cheat on you. She knew it was wrong. That speaks of her character. Not yours.

Ghost the girl. Next time she’s stressed with you, expect her to fall on some other guys cock.

It's not your fault. It'll take a very long time to get over the pain, unfortunately. But there's better days ahead for you. Hope one day you will be able to look back at this as a blessing in disguise.

Don't be hard on yourself. It has nothing to do with you... And don't think about the 'communication'.

For example, I did ask my (34f) ex (37m) few times how he was feeling and we were always agreeing that we should be always open and direct with each other on any topic. Last week on Wed night he was saying how much I was making him happy and he enjoyed spending time with me and kept repeating that I was amazing... So I was surprised when on Fri evening I read his note that he was carrying a baggage about his ex (39f) and as much as he wanted things to work out with us, he just couldn't. And that he was sorry. Maybe he felt shame and guilty so he didn't tell me in my face nor has talked to me since then...

And a week later, I'm feeling so much better after being heartbroken for few days.

You will get there, stay strong!

Maybe it will take more than a week, but you will recover soon. Take care, don't overthink it, and focus your energy on yourself and what do you want from your next relationship. Don't waste more energy on her and the past.
Keep the good memories, wish her well and be grateful for all the great things coming to you!

We were together for 2 months but it was quick and intense and I was so much happy and in love (he was supposed to move in with me few days later, I described that in my post).

Even though I am 34, this is my first heartbreak (in my other relationships it was either mutual or I could have seen it coming; this one ended so all of a sudden)

Here were my phases:
Day 1 and 2 (weekend): what happened? I tried to call him several times for an explanation but he didn't answer. I didn't know if it was over or he just needed time and I was hoping he would come back, I was ready to give him another 2nd chance

Day 3 (Monday): it was his birthday and I had so many things planned for him for those days (I had bought tickets for 3 shows/plays, gift, etc) I was so sad during the day. I had to be at work and at any time I was telling some of my friends from work, I was crying... I kept on saying that he was a great person that I had met at a wrong time, and that I wish he was a bastard or had treated me wrong so that I can hate him but no... I wasn't accepting what they were telling me and still idealizing him... The evening was rough - I wasn't thinking about who he was with, but that we would have had great time together. He still didn't answer my call nor a reply to my birthday message

Day 4 ( Tue): Missed him terribly. We used to be so close, talk about anything and lately he had been spending the nights with me. One of my friends said "you had a life before meeting him, go back to that, don't be stuck on the habit of talking to him daily".
His ex has BPD and I tried to understand what it is and why he was so stuck for her even though he was saying that she had treated him badly while they had been together and he was saying he would never be with her, and why she contacted him 4 months after she had broken up with him... Reddit helped a lot. I learned about BDP and codependency, and the 'addiction' to a partner with BDP. Few people advised me that it had nothing to do with me and that he had to go back to her few times and after being in 'hell' few times or with the help of a therapy, only then he could let her go and be ready to move on without her. I still couldn't understand why he ran to her when she contacted him and why what we had was not enough for him (2 days before the break up he was telling me how happy I was making him, how much he enjoyed spending time with me, how amazing I am, I should just relax, etc.)

Day 5 (Wed): Still missing him but starting to accept that he was not coming back. And why he wouldn't just talk, as even he was saying often that we should always talk no matter what, and be open and direct? Maybe he isn't that great... And he isn't keeping his word on this, also if he was carrying a baggage why was he telling me all those great things... What else did he lie to me?
One of my friends had send me a very kind email (post on my profile) saying that he was just a practice guy and that by calling him/leaving him messages I was only showing him that he was the center of my world and that no matter what, I shouldn't call him. I also should give him the space he wants and needs. (Note: I didn't go crazy:) and called him only 2-3 times a day)
I read several articles about how to go through a break up, but what helped me the most was a TED talk on a heartbreak (I had seen the speaker's talk on Emotional Aid some year ago and also liked it). I watched it few times and started thinking about my ex's bad sides (that I wasn't paying attention before as I was so much in love) and about how to fill in my time with activities that I was doing with him/going to do with him.
And I read my friend's email several times (I had printed it and highlighted some of the key things:)

Day 6 (Thu): I woke up thinking that it was exactly 1 week since I had last seen him... and how happy I was that morning waking up next to him... Stop! He is not worth it. I should be thinking of a guy that truly will be with me, and be in love with me! I spent 5 days being miserable!
I quickly got up from bed, and immediately threw away the note he had left me (my mistake was that I kept on reading it the previous days, looking at his handwriting, thinking about it... just suffering even more), the pen he had used... I didn't even look at the note when throwing it away!
I was so determined that I don't want him back in my life! I should be now thinking of what kind of person do I want in my life! And what are the things that I want for me? Because I was always putting him as a priority, there were some things that I had been postponing. And let me enjoy being single and free! It is better than being with the wrong person!
I read several articles on cleansing your apartment, feng shue after a break up and will be doing it this weekend.
I went to Marshalls and bought few things for me (new pj, bra, fase mask, some stationery, and some of the things I read about it for the cleansing: white and green candles)
First day that I didn't try to call him. Why build up his ego? I'm going to enjoy being single and then my Mr. Wonderful will come in my life when I'm ready!

Day 7 (Fri): at a work conference all day, so many interesting topics and people to meet. No time at the lunch break to do some other research:) My energy and my time are for me, the people that I love and love me back, and the things I enjoy doing! No time for thinking about the past. Time amd energy are limited and life is short. Just enjoy it! And 2nd day that I didn't call him!

I was dreaming of him and woke up at 4. Saw this and started typing this reply... It is OK, probably I will be having other nightmares about him, it is all part of letting it go...

TL/DR: friends have been great support (listening to me saying the same things few times; checking on me in the morning/during work; making plans with me every evening so that I'm occupied and don't have time to think of him:), sending me great messages, reminding me how great person I am and that I should be with someone who deserves me, that I shouldn't settle nor go for a low hanging fruit. And that it is ok to be vulnerable, I don't have to be so strong all the time)

Reddit - reading some posts and comments, and some messages I shared. (And also me venting and re-telling my story and my pain... sorry!!!)

Twitter - depending on the day:) I was retweeting some things I liked (ex. One day I had seen a tweet "I thought he was the man of my life but didn't know he was a pussy" - that was the rudest retweet I did, not proud of it but it was helping) Note: my profile is anonymous and I have a few friends from real life that follow me there. Don't forget about your reputation!

Articles on the internet: how to cope with a breakup, how to feng shue after a breakup

Planning my free time for the next few weeks

Good luck! And it is ok to be vulnerable (forget the pride/the mask), take all the time you need for healing, and sometimes things happen for a reason (a person that deserves you is coming in your life!)

I felt that yesterday. Maybe a bit today, but now that I read these comments maybe I'm letting myself be vulnerable to her. The right thing to do is breaking up, as everyone suggested. Yet I'm assessing if there's anything else that could be done. And that's why I'm gonna let few days pass and see how I still about it. Thanks.

Have you talked to her at all? Still sleeping at your brother's and she at her sister's? Does she still want to be back with you? What will happen to your apartment? Can you break the lease? Apart from breaking up with her, you may be face some unanticipated financial burdens. So, weigh your options carefully.

I haven’t talked to her. I have been avoiding this since almost past few days.

She is over at her sisters. She drove by, as I know the car Karen drives and it’s a pretty small neighborhood.

Karen met me Monday evening and said she hasn’t stopped crying over the weekend. But she agreed it’s my decision on what’s next. She hasn’t spoken much to Karen or her mother either (it seems).

I spoke to leasing office and they said under circumstances I can terminate lease and pay rent until they find a new occupant. Haven’t given much thought here. Mind races when I have to face this possible reality.

I think I’ll be fine from a financial standpoint. Have been living frugally and saved for a while.

She doesn’t know why she began sleeping with this guy in first place. It just happened.

Yes she does, she just won't admit the actual reason to you, probably because it's hurtful, and she was hoping to save your relationship.

She feels terribly sorry for what she did to me and hopes we can work things out.

No she's not.

She's sorry she got caught. Simple as that.

She has already broken up with that guy a week ago. She felt it was wrong and there’s no excuse for it.

Yeah and that means they can't ever fuck again, right?

Like, that's the rules!!?!?!

She asked Karen to buy stuff from VS using Karen’s cc because she felt it would be awkward to explain it to me if we were to review her finances (we used to do that together to cut her expenses and pay up aggressively towards her student loans).

Lol, well, duh.

She claimed that sex with this guy was completely carnal and that there were no feelings or affection involved. She said she got lured by this because her new responsibilities were way too overwhelming for her. But again she maintained that she didn’t know why she started sleeping with this guy in first place.

You sound like such a genuine person!! don’t ever think that you should’ve checked on her more or asked her if she had anything she needed to talk about. SHE CHOSE to cheat. Be glad you got out of this relationship before having a child or getting married because no one deserves to be cheated on. And let me tell you this, if someone truly loves you, they will NOT even think about betraying your trust in anyway.

I hope you find peace through this and know that there are good people out there. I’ve been betrayed by a long time friend whom convinced me to date him, and then never mentioned to me that he was interested in someone else. The night he suddenly stopped all contact with me, someone sent me a post on FB of him proposing to a girl he had been dating for several weeks... secretly.

It’s been a couple of years of anger that I’ve had bundled inside... But now I am thankful that I have found my husband, who loves me beyond the stars.

**This comment is not in any way to shove happiness in your face—I just want you to know that there is hope. Don’t get depressed like I did, don’t let yourself go, don’t let it keep you up at night. Get your tears out, say what you need to say, and just KNOW that there is a gal out there who would die for your happiness. You just gotta find her!

Many people tend to start drinking to forget. I would recommend picking up a hobby. Something that keeps you busy. Give yourself maybe 3 months to take care of YOU. do things you like. Buy things for yourself. Then move on. You will find someone better that appreciates you.

Little did I realize that this could have made her look for comfort elsewhere.

I think you need a minor word of advice that I've just recently figured out myself after 15 months of struggling to come to terms with my ex-wife's affair.

You share partial blame for your relationship having issues.

You share zero blame for her cheating.

It's critically important for your mental wellbeing to be able to draw the line between the two. My marriage broke down and I contributed to the breakdown.

However, the appropriate response from my ex to that is divorce or marriage counseling, not cheating.

It's important to understand what you did wrong in the relationship to avoid repeating that in the future, and it looks like you've got a good handle on that so I applaud you for it, but please don't connect the breakdown in your relationship to blaming yourself for her cheating.

Thank you for reply. I took me an exhaustive spike searching to come to your conclusion. I asked myself “Why is no one on reddit, expect one redditor, giving a soft stance to someone who might have cheated or perhaps even offer them a second chance?” ... and I just realized now why.

My counselor suggested two things - the hardway: Get away from this city as far as you can get, block everyone and keep your loved ones at arms length (something like that). If you could afford, trash away your clothing line (absurd and too expensive) and get rid off everything that reminds you of her. The easy way - be dull , depressed and let your life pass by while everyone around you is roving. She have a pretty good pep-talk the other day. She said talking her in could be a “possibility”. Last few nights have been the hardest. I have taken most of my work assignment home, barely sleep at night and try to distract my mind with something or the other. What she said is somewhat plausible - going the slow way I might be depressed and get into the whole SSRI and therapy loop. I am pretty sure I don’t want myself drowning in that quicksand.

Yeah I'm digging my way out of that loop. I had some other positive changes which helped out a lot, like joining a gym I really like and moving to a different area of the same city. It's been sort of the medium-difficulty route.

I made a mistake on the math before and it's definitely 17 months because that was a very recent realization and really internalized it. I feel like it will take me a solid 2-3 years for a full recovery, which is consistent with what I've heard from other people. In a way that's still encouraging, because although it's a long road, I do know that there's an end and that I can get there.

I have slowly refreshed my wardrobe over the past year and a half too, which has improved my confidence a lot. I wasn't able to do it immediately but over time the change is noticeable.

Staying same job, same friends, same place, same clothes, and same everything does sound like hell. Change reminds you that you've moved on, so make sure to focus on making positive changes, because that's daily reminders that you've moved on in a positive way.

Staying in the same routine just reminds you of the empty hole in your life and that's definitely not healthy.

Hi OP, glad to hear you're doing okay. My fiancée and I have been discussing your post and I wanted to give our perspective and I hope it will help you determine what's best for you.

I think this goes against the grain of most of the comments here, but what we see is that you girlfriend was stressed, overwhelmed, and didn't feel supported / wasn't able to manage her stress in a healthy way so she used the cheating as an outlet. My fiancée recently left a toxic job that she had been at for months. During her time at that job, she worked long hours and had unrealistic expectations put on her with little-to-no motivation or encouragement from superiors, and in-fact was actively discouraged and put down by them. She had to see a therapist for months to help her talk about the problems she was having and even that wasn't enough and she ultimately left after she simply couldn't handle it any more. During all of this, she confided in me constantly and I was there to support her all the time, and yet she was still at her breaking point by the end of it. I don't know what exactly your girlfriend does / what her work situation is like, but it seems like she didn't know how to cope with her stress and used the cheating as an outlet more than anything. I don't know that the cheating was entirely carnal, but I think for her it was probably a way to distract and relieve herself from the stress at work, especially since it was happening during the work day.

We also believe that the fact that she felt disgusted wearing her lingerie around you to the point that she spent hundreds of dollars getting rid of them is a sign of genuine remorse and disgust for her own actions. I think she genuinely knows what she did was wrong, regrets it, and probably genuinely feels stupid for having done it and doesn't know why she did it. When you're facing incredible stress and you don't know how to cope with it, sometimes you just break and do something stupid just to get relief, but you look back on it and you see how stupid it was in hindsight. Moving forward, your girlfriend needs to find hobbies that she can use as an outlet for her stress, needs to open up about her stress and let herself vent, and needs to see a therapist to learn how to better cope with that stress.

I'm not saying you should try to make it work, because cheating is a MASSIVE strain on your relationship and it's entirely possible that you will never be able to rebuild your trust for her. I don't know that you want to put yourself through that. As others have said, when your trust is broken, it's absolutely agonizing. You'll stress over every time she's late or you don't know where she is. You'll question what she's doing and whether she's telling you the truth. You might be able to get through it eventually, but it could take months, years, or it could never happen, and that's something you have to be ready to consider as well.

Ultimately this is your choice and your choice alone and I hope you're able to find solace knowing that you made the right decision, whatever it is that you decide to do. We believe that your girlfriend feels genuine remorse for her actions, but you may never be able to rebuild your trust in her. If you do decide to try to work things out, it would be best for you two to seek couples counseling - in addition to individual counseling - and to work on your communication and intimacy as a couple.

When you're facing incredible stress and you don't know how to cope with it, sometimes you just break and do something stupid just to get relief, but you look back on it and you see how stupid it was in hindsight.

See, what not many people understand here that when you have such a great relationship, and stress or situation induces one to act in a weird way, would that be justified or perhaps they are just your typical cheater? It's such a dilemma. I think I might have told this to my counselor that if I self-stimulated myself, would that be regarded as my sexual release or this would be a slap on her face for her sexual incompetence, if any? But then we are talking about cheating here and that's a whole new level. I don't know if my thinking is applicable to my thinking.

Honestly, I was taken away late Thursday evening by "guilt act" or as you say remorse, for having to throw this expensive pair of underwear eveytime they were together. Maybe she just gave it to him as a souvenir or maybe she was remorseful. I think a lot of doubts have been casted in my new realities and I wonder if I don't trust her now, how will I ever trust her again.

I think couples counseling, together with individual therapy is a great option ... only if I knew I still believed in the possibility of taking her back. Could I have been biased by tons of comments on reddit or my sister-in-law's recommendation that she isn't worth my time and love? Or maybe those tens of articles I read about cheaters online and what goes in a cheater's mind through fMRI scans. I think as much as I'm obsessed trying to find answers, I just hope I don't make the wrong decision and regret my existence moving forward.

My counselor did suggest to sit down with her, look her in the eye and seek answers, before the trail goes cold. That would be a good way to start to get a closure - whether that's breaking up with her or getting closure on the doubts I've casted on myself in my ability to love someone again.

What you said about your fiancé, was this exact same scenario for her after being promoted. Except she was to proofread tons of books, arriving in a basket, every given week. Mental overload I would say. Her job was toxic, but she loved it somehow. But at the same time, she just didn't wanna talk about it at home. At our dinner table I felt like I was the only one trying to ramble about my work day. But we did talk about current affairs, friends, book ideas she had ... all the chit-chat.

I think she loved to share about her work for first few days, but that voice faded once weeks passed and she had real responsibilities on her shoulders. After moving-in we took long weekend in January and I think that was her only "escape valve" as I was told back then. It never occurred to me that she could have used some therapy.

She works as a content editor for a publishing house if that helps. Although she was promoted, their workplace has strict guidelines what and what not could be carried back to home. Unlike myself, who has privilege to work from home, her job entailed her to review/edit/proofread manuscripts at work itself. She had long hours, but once she was back home, she wasn't obligated to pick work phone calls or reply emails.

Hi OP, thanks for your response. I hope you're doing okay and I'm glad that sharing our experiences seems to have helped you a little. We read through your comment and thought of a few more points that we hope might help you.

I want to start with a big question for you. For a second, imagine yourself in the future if you knew for certain that she would never cheat again. Does the thought of spending your life with her still make you happy, or does it make you sick? Would it be worth staying with her if you knew that this was the only time she would ever cheat again? If it doesn't make you happy, then your love has been irreparebly damaged and it's time to move on. But if it does, then it's probably worth thinking on it more and decide how much you love her, what you feel about her having cheated, and how you feel about your trust in her.

Next I wanted to ask you about your sex life together if you're willing to talk about it. You mentioned that you were "relieving yourself" frequently. Did you notice a significant drop in your sexual intimacy together? When my fiancée was working at her former job, our sexual intimacy dropped to virtially zero. We had been a very intomate couple before that, but she was always so exhausted that she couldn't "get into it". But at the same time, she was extremely dexually frustrated by it. She wanted to want to be intimate, but she couldn't muster it due to her stress. Is it possible that your girlfriend was in a similar scenario? Could the cheating have been partially driven by sexual frustration / lack of intimacy between the two of you?

I also wanted to address the idea that she was selling her lingerie. Honestly, my fiancée and I both suspected this early on in your post, but we both dismissed the idea later on. Realistically speaking, it seems unlikely that she was selling them and there just isn't any kind of solid evidence to support it.

Lastly, you mentioned that your girlfriend loved her job (past tense). Even people who love their job will burn out if they're put under too much strain. The way you describe it, that's what it sounds like happened to your girlfriend. She loved her job at first, but then it got hard, stressful, and frustrating. One big difference between our scenarios is that my fiancée wanted to vent about her job all the time. She's also a very vocal person when it comes to how she feels. But at the time I was stupid and thought that avoiding talking about it would help her, and it took me a long time to realize that she needed to vent, and what she needed from me was help finding outlets to distract her from her stress. It sounds to me like your girlfriend was obviously incredibly stressed in her job but wasn't letting herself vent because she didn't know how to cope. It's not surprising at all because I think a lot of people are this way.

I want to reiterate that we are not advocating that you stay with her or break up with her. We're just trying to provide our perspectives and relate some of our experiences with yours to see if it helps provide some clarity. Good luck to you, and if you need anything, feel free to message me directly.

This is a well thought out and great post but I am really struggling with some of the points.

We all deal with tremendous stress in our jobs but it I really find it as weak excuse to use it as an outlet for cheating. If this was a one-off situation, then I can accept the stress argument. But she was cheating on him for months and actively deceiving all around her for that period of time. That just does not show remorse to me at all.

She knew it was wrong but still continued it. I really believe that the remorse came in when she was caught.

You make a great point and we were wondering that ourselves. What we realized, again based on my fiancée's experience at her job, is that when you're dealing with prolonged stress, you need something constant to take your mind off of it (ie a constant outlet). My fiancée and I started taking art classes which became her outlet from her job (which still wasn't enough for her despite being a very artistic person and loving them). For OP's girlfriend I think what was originally a one-off encounter became her outlet and she depended on it as a way to relieve the stress that was constantly there when she didn't have anything else. She kept returning because she kept needing it to relieve her stress until eventually the guilt was too much. Again, we can only speculate and we could be 100% wrong, but reading through OP's post, we both came to this conclusion.

Edit: Also by OP's account, the girlfriend was showing remorse prior to him finding out. He found out because of her remorse - throwing away her lingerie. Not the other way around. I think that's one of the most telling aspects of this.

Thank you for your clarification.
I cannot find any real fault with your reasoning and you could be very well right as it is pure speculation.
Is the throwing away of lingerie is a sign of remorse or is it guilt? I feel that it was guilt as she actually brought her sister into it to purchase the lingerie.
She was having sex with OP mere hours after being with the other man and that I, personally, would not be able to get over it -- but it is up to the OP.

The reason I say that she got caught is that she only came clean after OP approached her on the number of missing pieces of lingerie. OP says that she was showing remorse but even he is not certain about that fact because she hid it so well from him.

Yes. Every time I used to look at my phone lock screen, I got pretty angry. I have changed my lock screen though. Just the image of her makes me pissed. Although yesterday I was just hoping she was alright. I feel less caring about her today morning. Which is weird. Thanks though.