Monday, December 17, 2012

Have you all heard about this new movie - "2012?" Chock full of mind-bending special effects and a story that hinges on the fact that - according to the ancient Mayan calendar - the world will end on December 21st, 2012...?

(Yes, that movie called "2012.")

All right, well, I don't like it. Not one bit. Why? Because...not to make the imminent destruction of the world all about me or anything, but...

Hello?!? December 21st is my BIRTHDAY!

You think it's easy putting a NASCAR-themed fondue party together four days before Christmas? I swear, it's like people are just looking for an excuse not to make it. And now this. I can just hear it:

"Sorry, Anna, but the world's about to end and I've got to return these movies to Blockbuster."

"Can't make it, Anna. The earth is imploding and I need to lash my family to a raft."

"Oops, bad timing, Big A. The world is crumbling and this seems like an ideal time to finish writing that novel."

Come on. These are only slightly better than the excuses I heard last year.The Grudge.

I know why the ancient Mayans are doing this.Two years ago, they came to my birthday party, sucked down all the wine coolers and started looking for trouble. While I was making a run to the Gas 'N Sip to reload on Snapple and Circus Peanuts, they rearranged all of my neighbor's patio pavers and started shooting pre-Columbian hoop against the side of his house. You've never heard such trash talk. Let's just say my neighbor (I'll call him Father O'Murphy) was not amused.

Naturally, I did not invite them to last year's party, but you know how hard it is to keep a social event secret. (Especially when you accidentally mail an invitation and then try to take it back.) I regret to say that ancient Mayan feelings may have been bruised as a result.

And you know the old saying:

"If you're going to mess with an ancient Mayan,you'd better have a friend idling nearby in a fast car.A V-8, ideally. And, for God's sakes, make sure there's gas in it."

Check Your Calendar.

The good news is, I think I've found a loophole on this world destruction deal.

See, I don't follow the ancient Mayan calendar. (I can hear them coming when they sell them door-to-door so I mute the TV and lie down behind the sofa until they're all the way off the porch and on to the next house.)

For years now, I have instead followed the City of Oxnard Employee Credit Union calendar, partly because they don't enforce any particular date for world destruction, but mostly because each month has its own miniature illustration harkening back to a time when life was less complicated and, apparently, more glitter-coated.

So take that, party-poopers! You may tip over a few monuments, but you will not be spoiling my fondue fete, even three years in advance.

Speaking of which, I'd better buy that dipping cheese now and put it aside for the party. With all the pre-destruction panic, you know the cheese market will be through the roof.

[Note: This is a re-issue of a previous post from - you guessed it - the last time the dang Mayans tried to make my birthday all about them. I swear, just when I think I'm out of the woods, they push the Armageddon date back a liiiiittle bit further.]

I have a dear friend who shares your birthday. He's planning a big "end of the world" event. He's thinking of building a large volcano in his back yard. You should think about it. Instead of BYOB it could be BYOL (bring your own lifeboat).

For my money, when the world does decide to choke on the big chicken bone, I'd rather have a motorcycle than a car. With a motorcycle one can navigate between the twisted hulks of abandoned automobiles littering the post-apocalyptic landscape.

Oh, and I'll be sure to stock up on circus peanuts before the end times. Lord knows when those things will ever be in stock again...

If my calculations are correct, 2012 will be a leap year. And since the Mayans were notoriously bad jumpers (You remember the film, Mayan Men Can't Leap) I'm sure the leap year was invented AFTER them, which means your birthday, will actually be the day before (or after, I can't do the effen math) this end of the world. So I mean you'll either be too dead to care, or ya know, hungover when the world ends. It will be fine. Trust me.

I like Gretchen's friend's idea. That would be a fun party, and with the world ending right afterwards, there'd be no post-fete clean up. You could totally TRASH the place. Bonus #2: if the world ends after your party, no hangover! And screw returning the movies to Blockbuster, I'm sure people would much rather play vertical-hoop basketball to the death. (I know I would.) And you could have "lash your family to a raft" contests, right? I see no reason to let this confluence of events spoil the fun. Lloyd Dobler can say anything he wants, I'm still crashing.

I'm still stuck back on the NASCAR-themed fondue party. You do know the NASCAR season is over this coming weekend, right? Why are you having a NASCAR party in December? I must have missed something. :)

Quit it! Yer killin me! Circus peanuts? Count me in, I'll be there. It would be the end of the world before I'd miss this party. ... uhm...Excuse me, but I think there's a volcano popping up in my herb garden....

I can't think of a witty response, so I'll do the next best thing: a ridiculously long response! Rest assured that when I couldn't sleep and the meditation practices we learned about in my last meeting didn't work and I wanted something to read to relax me (since I had too much on my mind to sleep), I came to your blog and read one of the funniest entries I've seen from you. This one is right up there with the mammogram one and the one with the picture of the chair on fire.

Honestly, I rarely lol, even if I put that. Well, with this piece, I really couldn't help myself--I was laughing out loud. For real. And since I live with three cousins, that could have been problematic. For them. As for me? The laughs you brought me in this post relieved massive amounts of stress. I might be able to relax now.

Dang those Ancient Mayans... I tell you what, those guys are just party poopers all year round. I swear, they're the ones who come in and steal a random sock from the dryer while I'm running a load. Ugh.

I love Winter Solstice -- just as the weather here in the Midwest is heading into the worst of the year, the days start getting longer again, giving us a life-line to hang onto through the rest of December, all of January, February, March and most of April....

I have a sign on my apartment door that reads: No Gas & Electric Solicitors. (They're thick as thieves around here.) I'm going to go add "No Mayans" to the list. Then I'll never have to worry about them knocking at my door. Wait, do Mayans read English? Google won't help me translate.

Tell all your friends to max their credit cards buying you gifts. If the world ends, they won't be around to pay the bill.

This was so hilarious!!!We visited the ancient ruins of both Tulum and Chitzanetza (spelling awful, I know but I am in a hurry, dang it!)....and decided a few years ago that we would go BACK to Mexico to Tulum on that date. We figured it wouldn't be too crowded and we could shoot a few hoops while waiting for the midnight New Year's Eve ball to drop....I'll be sure to remind everyone to raise their glasses (or rock challis's) in honor of your birthday while we are there!

Well belated happy birthday, Anna. And glad we're all here still intact. FYI, (wish I'd been able to come to your rescue sooner) according to an astrologer I know, the people who say that 12/21/12 is the end of the Mayan calendar aren't adjusting for the incremental shifts of the planet... that once you factor those in, it was back in 2007 har har. XXX

Thank God the Mayans were wrong. I don't know WHAT I'd have done if we had missed Christmas. I love the sounds of my young nieces screeching with delight, the frantic dash from my parents to the in-laws, the accusations that we're not spending enough time anywhere and the final collapse into my bed at the end of our 18 hour day. What WOULD I have done if we'd missed that?

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Anna Lefler is an award-winning writer and humorist and the author of THE CHICKTIONARY: FROM A-LINE TO Z-SNAP, THE WORDS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW (Adams Media, November 2011). Her work has appeared online at Salon.com, McSweeney's, TheBigJewel, MyPheme, FunnyNotSlutty and HumorPress. Anna's essays on modern motherhood have been nationally syndicated and her fiction has been presented onstage by WordTheatre Los Angeles. She has performed standup comedy in Los Angeles clubs including the Hollywood Improv, the Comedy Store, Room 5 Lounge and M Bar. Anna can also be found at www.annalefler.com, where she is trying to stop referring to herself in third person.