Gun Rights, a Crib Sheet

This morning’s New York Times has a story about states loosening gun laws so Americans can pack heat and go drinking at their favorite local haunts. Democrats are up in arms (sorry), because they want stronger gun-control measures. Republicans are afraid that they’ll be stripped of their right to conceal a Colt 45 at the county fish fry. Or, as National Rifle Association chief executive Wayne LaPierre, who trusts Obama about as much as a rusted bolt on a broken WWI-era rifle, put it: “The watchword for gun owners is stay ready. We have had some successes, but we know that the first chance Obama gets, he will pounce on us.” It’s O.K., though, Wayne, because if Obama is on the campaign trail having a burger with the constituents at your local watering hole in Virginia, you’ll still feel safe because you’ll be strapped.

Anyway, let’s take a look at Guns in America Today (as reported by The New York Times), shall we?Virginia’s General Assembly approved a bill last week allowing residents to carry concealed weapons in “bars and restaurants that serve alcohol.” Underlying Message: The General Assembly is permitting residents to carry concealed weapons at pizza joints full of little league teams where people drink pitchers of beer and get in fights over Redskins games. What it Means For You: Reconsidering where to have the year-end party for your son’s Pop Warner football team.

Last year, President Obama signed bills allowing guns to be carried in national parks and “in luggage” on Amtrak trains. Underlying Message: Take the train! Smell the roses! See the countryside! Upon your arrival, drink a bottle of Jim Beam, show your kids how a shotgun works, then singlehandedly decimate the population of black bears. What it Means For You: “Honey, I was thinking Six Flags could be more fun than The Smokies this summer. The kids have never been to an amusement park, and it’s closer, so we could drive “

In January, Indiana lawmakers passed bills that prohibit private employers from forbidding employees to keep firearms in their vehicles parked on company property. Underlying Message: So what if John has a gun in his trunk? Do you really think he’d actually go to the parking lot, load it, and bring it back? He just likes to hunt. What it Means For You: Heightened anxiety during the next round of layoffs.

This month, the Virginia House repealed the one-gun-per-month law (passed in 1993 by Virginia’s then Democratic Governor, L. Douglas Wilder), which limited residents to one handgun purchase every 30 days. Underlying Message: If the rest of the country (except Maryland, New Jersey, and California) can buy more than 12 guns a year, why can’t we? What it Means For You: More crazy people with more guns.

Arizona and Wyoming are considering a rash of pro-gun measures, one which would allow residents to carry concealed weapons sans permit. Underlying Message: Fuck it, you’re more likely to be killed in a car accident. Might as well be able to carry a gun. What it Means For You: More time at home. Work on that garden you’ve always wanted. Take another crack at that half-finished novel in your bedside table. Learn how to knit. Become a sniper.