About Josh Spurlock

The Relationship Center provides Biblically Christian and Clinically Proven Professional Counseling services. TRC is a multi-specialty professional counseling practice with 8 therapists in Springfield and Branson, Missouri offices.

Springfield BackOffice is a service organization with a mission to improve the lives of small business and ministry leaders by providing the back office and business consulting services they need to make their life EASY and keep their business FUN!

Question asked for Bob in Houston, TX

Question:

How does or should you deal with a spouse that has mild bipolar or cyclothymia? One or twice a year there seem to be extreme highs that he can’t even talk his wife about without her thinking he is just against her or doesn’t care. Once it is declining she feels that she just bit off more than she can chew. He is really confused as to what he can do to help even out the highs and lows. He says they aren’t as bad as full blown bipolar but they are lifestyle affecting.

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Hi, welcome to my counselor online. I’m Cassie, and this is asking for a friend that’s where you submit your questions and then I tracked down one of our awesome counselors to answer your questions.

And today I have Josh for live with me to answer questions submitted by Bob from Houston. Josh, thanks for meeting with me today.

So here’s what Bob Asks

How does or should you deal with a spouse that has mild bipolar or cyclothymia.

Once or twice a year, there seemed to be extreme highs that he can’t even talk to his wife about without her thinking he’s against her, or he doesn’t care about her once it’s declining she feels like she’s just a bit.Like she’s been off more than she can chew.

This gentleman’s friend is really confused as to what you shouldn’t do to help even out the highs and the lows. He says they aren’t as bad as full blown bipolar, but they are lifestyle affecting So Josh, take it away.

Josh

Yeah, this is one of those situations, like many situations of dynamics, where the family member, the person who’s in a seeking out help is not necessarily the person who, as the struggle.

And so there’s an element of powerlessness and helplessness and grief that is a part of acknowledging that there’s a limit to how much you’re able to do

That God hasn’t given you the ability or the responsibility to control the other person, even if that is a for their best interests in your mind.

That we’re just not given that by God. And so we have to respect the limited autonomy that God has given to individuals in our life.

Even when they make decisions that we would prefer them not or we don’t think are in their best interests and that’s really difficult because it leaves us with a only the ability to control ourself and decide what decisions. We’re going to make in terms of relationship with the person

The there’s a element of codependence or codependency that we see oftentimes in situations like this where a

Spouse, who is in a relationship with someone with a struggle of some sort. Well over function for or try to get the other spouse to do what it is they feel like they need to do. And it creates

tension and conflict within the relationship and feelings of disrespect within the relationship, while at the same time, the

Other spouse is feeling alone on a roller coaster ride that they didn’t ask to be on And this feeling disrespected not cared about in their spouses unwillingness to address the struggle that they face. And so what I would encourage

Individually, the situation to do is a have your own support network in structure because you’re going to need people who you can bring in the circle with you and process the difficulty of what it is you’re facing.

There’s a tendency to isolate. There’s a tendency to not share what you’re going through because of

Not wanting to hurt the other spouses feelings or create conflict in the relationship. Or maybe there’s embarrassment or struggle on your own part

But you’re not going to be able to get through this in a healthy way. If you don’t have some support.

And so rather than be in the form of professional counselor or just a close mature friend that can keep confidence.

You need some individuals in your life from you can bring the struggle to process it out loud and bounce ideas off of in terms of how to handle the situation so that you’re not alone in that struggle.

Second thing that I would encourage is just really to work on the relationship itself with the individual that for

For most people, to be challenged, especially around a mental health issue to take action is really scary and uncomfortable and really requires a depth of relationship and closeness.

And really feeling like the person who’s challenging them on those things really does care about them deeply

And if there’s if there’s not a strong relationship there then it just feels like criticism. It feels like attack and is likely to result in a real defensiveness on the part of the other person.

And so I’d encourage you to get your own support as well as focus on the development of the relationship that hopefully enables you to be able to communicate the impact on you.

That their experience has and your request that they would engage in of seeking out help for that, ultimately, you don’t have any control over that and they may choose not to. And that’s a hard place to be in and put you in a position of needing to make some tough decisions about

What it is that you need to do in response to their unwillingness to work on those things. If that’s something that you can forgive and that you can

Live with that you can have boundaries with and continue to live with forward or do you need to have separation have space that says the impact of those choices is so significant that it’s unhealthy and helpful to

Continue in close relationships. So we need more distance until they choose to address those things.

Those are tough decisions to make. And oftentimes, having a counselor that you can talk those things through with to determine what’s the best course of action in the specifics of your situation can be very helpful.

Cassie

Yeah, that’s, that’s a big situation so. Thanks, Josh. For that information for us and

For answering that question. I appreciate it. And Bob, thank you for submitting this question for your friend. You’re a good friend and hopefully your

Friend has you as a resource, and I’m sure that’s very helpful to him.

If you are watching this and you would like one of our awesome counselors to answer a question for you. You can submit that question on our Asking for a friend page just go to my counselor.

online and search for Asking for a friend, it’ll pop up and then I will track down counselor and get them answer that question for you. And you can look for the answer on our weekly e newsletter.

Question asked for Bob in Houston, TX

Question:

How does or should you deal with a spouse that has mild bipolar or cyclothymia? One or twice a year there seem to be extreme highs that he can’t even talk his wife about without her thinking he is just against her or doesn’t care. Once it is declining she feels that she just bit off more than she can chew. He is really confused as to what he can do to help even out the highs and lows. He says they aren’t as bad as full blown bipolar but they are lifestyle affecting.

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Hi, welcome to my counselor online. I’m Cassie, and this is asking for a friend that’s where you submit your questions and then I tracked down one of our awesome counselors to answer your questions.

And today I have Josh for live with me to answer questions submitted by Bob from Houston. Josh, thanks for meeting with me today.

So here’s what Bob Asks

How does or should you deal with a spouse that has mild bipolar or cyclothymia.

Once or twice a year, there seemed to be extreme highs that he can’t even talk to his wife about without her thinking he’s against her, or he doesn’t care about her once it’s declining she feels like she’s just a bit.Like she’s been off more than she can chew.

This gentleman’s friend is really confused as to what you shouldn’t do to help even out the highs and the lows. He says they aren’t as bad as full blown bipolar, but they are lifestyle affecting So Josh, take it away.

Josh

Yeah, this is one of those situations, like many situations of dynamics, where the family member, the person who’s in a seeking out help is not necessarily the person who, as the struggle.

And so there’s an element of powerlessness and helplessness and grief that is a part of acknowledging that there’s a limit to how much you’re able to do

That God hasn’t given you the ability or the responsibility to control the other person, even if that is a for their best interests in your mind.

That we’re just not given that by God. And so we have to respect the limited autonomy that God has given to individuals in our life.

Even when they make decisions that we would prefer them not or we don’t think are in their best interests and that’s really difficult because it leaves us with a only the ability to control ourself and decide what decisions. We’re going to make in terms of relationship with the person

The there’s a element of codependence or codependency that we see oftentimes in situations like this where a

Spouse, who is in a relationship with someone with a struggle of some sort. Well over function for or try to get the other spouse to do what it is they feel like they need to do. And it creates

tension and conflict within the relationship and feelings of disrespect within the relationship, while at the same time, the

Other spouse is feeling alone on a roller coaster ride that they didn’t ask to be on And this feeling disrespected not cared about in their spouses unwillingness to address the struggle that they face. And so what I would encourage

Individually, the situation to do is a have your own support network in structure because you’re going to need people who you can bring in the circle with you and process the difficulty of what it is you’re facing.

There’s a tendency to isolate. There’s a tendency to not share what you’re going through because of

Not wanting to hurt the other spouses feelings or create conflict in the relationship. Or maybe there’s embarrassment or struggle on your own part

But you’re not going to be able to get through this in a healthy way. If you don’t have some support.

And so rather than be in the form of professional counselor or just a close mature friend that can keep confidence.

You need some individuals in your life from you can bring the struggle to process it out loud and bounce ideas off of in terms of how to handle the situation so that you’re not alone in that struggle.

Second thing that I would encourage is just really to work on the relationship itself with the individual that for

For most people, to be challenged, especially around a mental health issue to take action is really scary and uncomfortable and really requires a depth of relationship and closeness.

And really feeling like the person who’s challenging them on those things really does care about them deeply

And if there’s if there’s not a strong relationship there then it just feels like criticism. It feels like attack and is likely to result in a real defensiveness on the part of the other person.

And so I’d encourage you to get your own support as well as focus on the development of the relationship that hopefully enables you to be able to communicate the impact on you.

That their experience has and your request that they would engage in of seeking out help for that, ultimately, you don’t have any control over that and they may choose not to. And that’s a hard place to be in and put you in a position of needing to make some tough decisions about

What it is that you need to do in response to their unwillingness to work on those things. If that’s something that you can forgive and that you can

Live with that you can have boundaries with and continue to live with forward or do you need to have separation have space that says the impact of those choices is so significant that it’s unhealthy and helpful to

Continue in close relationships. So we need more distance until they choose to address those things.

Those are tough decisions to make. And oftentimes, having a counselor that you can talk those things through with to determine what’s the best course of action in the specifics of your situation can be very helpful.

Cassie

Yeah, that’s, that’s a big situation so. Thanks, Josh. For that information for us and

For answering that question. I appreciate it. And Bob, thank you for submitting this question for your friend. You’re a good friend and hopefully your

Friend has you as a resource, and I’m sure that’s very helpful to him.

If you are watching this and you would like one of our awesome counselors to answer a question for you. You can submit that question on our Asking for a friend page just go to my counselor.

online and search for Asking for a friend, it’ll pop up and then I will track down counselor and get them answer that question for you. And you can look for the answer on our weekly e newsletter.

Overcoming Hormones to Have a Better Sex Life

Women are hormonal creatures – it’s how God made you, and it’s not a bad thing. It does, however, create challenges that take some special attention to overcome. One such challenge is the ebb and flow (no pun intended) of your sex drive as related to your menstrual cycle.

Women’s Sex Hormone Peak

Women hit their sex hormone peak in late teens to mid-twenties. As this starts to trail off over time, there’s usually still a hormonal surge that starts 1-3 days before ovulation and continues for a few days after. The body says “Hey, I’m about to drop an egg, go find your man so you can fertilize it.” It’s during these days that women reach their peak erotic motivation for the month. Sex therapists call this spontaneous and intrinsic motivation to connect sexually “Initiating Desire”.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always cooperate so that these days fall during convenient times to connect. A lot of women express, “Well honey, I was feeling pretty horny about 2 this afternoon, but by the time we got the kids in bed it was ALL gone.”

The Pill Can Make it Worse

To further the problem, chemical birth control, i.e. the pill, can neutralize the mid-month natural hormone boost resulting in diminished sex drive. It can also reduce blood flow to the genitals, which can make reaching orgasm more difficult. Testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone are all at their lowest during menstruation, making it the period of least desire. It is the decline of these same hormones that reduce libido in women during menopause.

For all these reasons, it’s pretty normal for a mature married woman to only experience initiating desire a few days a month.

So what can you do about it?

Now that we have a little bit better understanding of what the problem is, let’s take a look at some ways to deal with it.

Embrace Receptive Desire

When sex therapists talk about arousal we mean one of two types: 1) Subjective Arousal or 2) Physical Arousal.

Subjective arousal is the awareness of sexual desire, that is being horny.

It’s common to think of subjective arousal coming first, then physical arousal. I feel horny, so I pursue sexual connection and become physically aroused. We call this sequence initiating desire because it leads to the initiation of a sexual experience. It’s not the only option though. Receptive Desire refers to an openness to sexual connection with an understanding that subjective arousal often follows physical arousal.

I sometimes use an example from our taste template to illustrate. Have you ever been out on date night with your spouse, engaging the age old question, “Where do you want to eat?”

Well, if you have a craving for something, say Mexican, that’s like initiating desire. Sometimes you don’t have a craving, “I don’t care, I’m not really hungry.”

After you get to the restaurant, you taste the salsa and smell the fajitas sizzling, your mouth starts to water. When your food arrives you tear into it like a crazed animal. As the two of you recline, fully satisfied, you look at your spouse and say “this was a good idea.”

Following this script, you might say to yourself, “I’m not feeling horny or thinking about sex right now, but I know once we get into it I’ll start feeling desire.”

Think About Sex

It’s very helpful to think about sex. Use fantasy to imagine past experiences that were super arousing. Think about new positions, places, and scenarios you might want to explore with your spouse. Thinking about sex causes the body to arouse physically, which in turn increases desire. Remember, for women, physical arousal often precedes desire.

Plan for Sex

Planning out regular times for sexual connection with your spouse can help keep the connection happening despite hormonal fluctuations. Plus, knowing about a sexual encounter in advance gives you reason to think about the upcoming encounter and be flirtatious with your spouse about it. This builds desire increasing the excitement and pleasurableness of the experience.

See Your Doctor

Cortisol, Estrogen, Thyroid, and Testosterone are all significant hormone influences for female sexual desire. If they are out of normal balance then it’s going to cause problems. Your doctor can make a referral to an endocrinologist who can check on these for you. If they are out of normal range they may be able to get you on track with medications and or supplements.

Men and women are different. One of the differences is in the way fatigue affects sexual arousal in women. Both men and women’s physical arousal is affected by fatigue, but women’s bodies are affected to a much greater degree. If a woman is exhausted physically, her body won’t respond sexually, which means she won’t want or enjoy sex. If you don’t enjoy connecting sexually – you won’t want to connect sexually.

You are not superwoman!

The first step in overcoming fatigue is recognizing that you are NOT superwoman. God did not design you with an infinite amount of energy. The amount of energy you have each day is pretty well fixed. Some days you may have a little more or a little less, but it pretty much is what it is. So the question is: What will you do with the energy you have?

Steward Your Energy

There’s never enough time or energy to go around. There’s always more things to do than there is time or energy to do them. You have to learn to steward your energy so the most important things get the attention they deserve. Imagine you have an Energizer battery on your back and a little wristwatch with a meter showing you how much juice is left in the battery. Each day you start out with basically a full battery. It’s up to you to decide how you will use that energy. When it’s gone, it’s gone, game over, put a fork you in – you are done.

There is Enough

There is no way you can accomplish all the things you think you have to or others want you to and still have the energy to share with your spouse. There’s just not enough hours in the day or energy in your battery. There is, however, enough to accomplish all the things that are important to God that you complete. God doesn’t ask us to do more than we can. There are enough hours in the day and enough energy in your battery to do everything that is important to God for you to do.

Say No

Is it more important that the floor gets cleaned or your children get fed? Is it more important that you don’t disappoint a friend who wants something from you or that you have quiet time with the Lord? Is it more important to check another couple items off your to-do list or to nurture your relationship and stay connected to your husband? What do you think God’s priorities for your time are?

Saying NO to good things and good people is tough. You have to do it. There’s not enough of you to go around and every YES you say is a NO to something else. If you’re saying yes to things you need to say no to, de facto you are saying NO to things you should be saying YES to.

Discerning what God’s priorities for your time, so you don’t steal from the things that are important to Him, can be challenging. Especially if you have a people pleaser personality. You don’t want to disappoint anyone, but you end up neglecting things that are important.

Manage Stress

Stress is a major cause of fatigue in a women’s life. If you’re not actively managing stress, by placing limits on stressors and doing things that mitigate the effects, it’s going to kick your butt, killing your sex drive.

Self-Care Isn’t Selfish

You cannot give what you do not have. If you are going to be a blessing to the people in your life, children, spouse, friends, family, co-workers, neighbors – you have to take care of yourself. The Bible says to love your neighbor as yourself- would it bless your neighbor to take care of them the way you do yourself?

If you don’t take care of you, you can’t be there for others. You won’t be able to be your best self and you’ll rob those around you of the blessings God desires to give them through you.

So how do you go about this self-care stuff?

Here’s a short list to consider:

1on1 Time with the Heavenly Father –You need spiritual refreshing. Quiet time in His presence to align your heart with His each day and tap into His energy for you.

Exercise –Your body needs at least 20 minutes a day of some light cardio (get that heart rate up) along with some stretching and light lifting. It doesn’t have to be hard core, but to metabolize stress hormones, boost your metabolism, and promote good brain chemistry – you need this. Brisk walk, take the stairs, yoga – get some movement in.

Good Food –Feed your body, it needs fuel. I’m less focused on the specific diet as the need for a variety of foods, that supply your body with the fats, proteins, vitamins, fiber, carbs in balance that it needs to be healthy.

Recreation –God created you to need play. No one has to teach it to you as a kid, you instinctively do it. As adults we can get “too busy” for play – and it hurts us. Carve out time each week to things that are life giving to you.

Friends –Hang out with friends that make you feel good. Some people pour into you, others suck life out of you. Make sure you are surrounding yourself with and making time for people who pour life into you.

Nap –Yes, sometimes it is OK to take a nap. Your body needs it sometimes. If you’re tired – sleep. If it means you have energy to feel frisky later in the day it’s a great trade off.

Sleep –God designed your body to need 7-9 hours of sleep out of every 24. You can’t cheat your body the sleep God designed it to need and not suffer the consequences.

Date –You need time outside your roles as mom & dad to be lovers and friends. Without this you’ll be emotionally drained, which will manifest in physical fatigue.

Save a Little in Your Battery for Your Husband

Start with the end in mind. If you plan ahead for times of intimate connection with your husband you can save a little energy to share with him. Planning in advance also gives you something to flirt around all day which helps build anticipation.

Work with Your Husband

Help your husband understand you only have so much energy. If he wants to get frisky he needs to help you with the things that have to get done before then so you both can be mostly awake when it’s time to connect.

Morning Sex

You might experiment with trying to connect earlier in the day. Maybe you can pull off some morning sex after the kids leave for school or a nooner over lunch break. Connecting earlier in the day means you have more energy in the battery and are thus more likely to enjoy the experience.

Chronic Fatigue

There’s no way around it: You’ll never enjoy a passionate, healthy sex life if you are chronically fatigued. It’s like trying to start a car with a dead battery – it just isn’t going to work.

Questioned asked for Anonymous in November

Question:

My friend is 38 years old and was just told by her Mom that her Dad she has know all her life is not her biological father. Her Mom and Dad had IVF using a sperm donor, but never told her. Her Mom finally told her 2 weeks ago and now my friend is devastated, confused, disconnected, scared, worried, etc… She doesn’t know how to proceed in life right now. She has always been closest to her father, who she now learns is not her biological father.

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Hey, welcome to my counselor online. This is asking for a friend.

I’m Cassie and asking for a friend is where you submit your questions and then I tracked down one of our awesome therapists and get them to answer your question, so today I have Josh Spurlock with me.

And he’s going to answer our question that we have from an anonymous friend. So, Josh, thanks for hanging out with me today and answering this question.

Alright, so here’s the question. My friend is 30 YEARS OLD AND WAS JUST TOLD BY HER MOM AND DAD, the dad that she has known all her life. That is, he’s not her biological father

Her mom and dad had IBS using a sperm donor and never told her. Her mom finally told her two weeks ago and now she’s devastated confused disconnected scared worried

She doesn’t know how to proceed in life right now she’s always been closest to her father who she now knows is not her biological father. So, Josh. What, what would you say

Josh

Well, it’s a tough situation that takes you by surprise, and definitely don’t see it coming, and yet is a a source of a lot of grief for everybody involved.

A lot of times parents that are in that situation. Don’t know how to handle it, there’s not necessarily a right or wrong answer, and

Many made the decision not to share that information with their kiddos back in a day and age where that information would never come out.

And today we have a DNA testing that’s becoming more and more common.

For health purposes where you can order a kit and do a swab and and have biological parents or have your parents going to send in a swab, so as to direct medical treatment in a way that is

More specific to your biology and so increasingly parents who had decided together that

They were not going to share the information with their kiddo that part of their genetic materials from other biology was not coming from them.

And how to raise a child just like they would any of their other biological children or biological child.

And so now they’re faced with the dilemma of this information coming forward in it creates grief for everybody.

That mom and dad have oftentimes their self doubt involved in wondering, did we make the right decision we made the best decision that we could at the time we felt like that was the right thing to do.

Sometimes there’s grief and shame that’s on the part of just infertility and the struggle and journey of that and so

What I would encourage folks in the situation is really to have a whole lot of grace for everybody involved.

Have grace for yourself as you’re going through this and maybe you’re experiencing the news for the first time and coming to reconcile that things that you thought were true.

Are different than you thought them to be in trying to reconcile what that means for you what it means for the important relationships in your life. It’s really important that you give yourself space to grieve.

No big information like this has grief, even if it’s good information. Even if it’s neutral doesn’t really matter rather not, it’s positive or negative. The nature of it is such that it rocks, our world a little bit

And create some NX in grief and also for the others that are involved siblings parents to extend them. The grace of being able to grieve in the situation as well. And to be able to

Not allow a situation like this to be cause for breach and relationship. Yeah, it can very much become that. But it doesn’t need to

That as mature individuals work through conflict, even if we disagree with the decision on how information was handled when or if it was disclose.

We can be forgiving. We can have grace and we can work through those things so that we can still have a closeness and respect within our family, even if there’s a difference in our thoughts about how things should have been handled. Yeah.

Cassie

It’s really good. It’s a tough situation.

Josh, thanks for meeting with me appreciate your time and Thank you, anonymous person for submitting this question. If you watching have questions, make sure to submit them to our Asking for a friend page on our website, my counselor online and then look for the answer in our weekly e newsletter and on the Asking for a friend page.

Questioned asked for Renee in Kansas City

Question:

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Welcome to my counselor online. I’m Cassie, and this is asking for a friend.

Asking for a friend is where you get to submit a question and I gets tracked down one of our therapists and get them to answer your question.

So today I have Josh with me and he’s going to answer the question from Renee in Kansas City. And here’s the question, Josh. Is it possible to heal from depression without seeing a doctor or a counselor. So what do you think Josh is the possible

Josh

Sure, absolutely. In fact, all of us on a regular basis and do so. Alright, so when we are talking about depression and we use the word depression.

Usually what we mean clinically as we’re talking about what we call major depression which would separate out from other kinds of depression.

So as you go through life we experienced times of depressed mood depressed brain chemistry and response to challenges that we’re facing alive.

In response to biological things that are going on inside of our body that it’s just a normal occurrence that happens as a part of life.

Where the circumstances results into press brain chemistry and we experienced the symptom ology of that can depression that where you are experiencing.

Typically the we take care of ourselves. We get rest we connect with friends. We work through grief, we, we do the normal things that are part of navigating life’s challenges.

In our body and our brain chemistry rebound into normal ranges and life kind of goes on. And so that’s a part of every human beings existence.

So typically when we’re talking about depression from a clinical standpoint, what we mean is major depression and major depression Is when the brain chemistry get so depressed that we kind of get stuck in that place that instead of being able to rebound back up into its normal levels and allow our normal ability to process life As ourself. And with all of our emotional and mental faculties about us. We get kind of stuck in this depressed state.

Now, sometimes we can get out of even a major depression a mild major depression without You know, using engaging in therapy or medication or any other kind of treatment of sort through homeopathic or self help approaches right and so Some of the methods that people commonly use and find benefit to results from our like self hope kinds of books that are going to talk through understanding the Mental components that can contribute to depression, the stinking thinking, as it were.

In the process of understanding the mental in ways the cognitive ways in which you process life that are sabotaging you And addressing and changing those. Some people are able to kind of work out of depression five route of that and that’s great.

At other times, employing just good bodily self care, you know, paying attention to diet engaging in good exercise feeding the body what it needs to be healthy engaging friends and family and having relational and emotional support that dressing life stressors things that are creating stress in your life identified solutions to those things and working to them so that your stress level decreases.

These are all things that are homeopathic in nature that have a positive influence on brain chemistry and can help a person and I’ll depression, be able to Get out of them and be in a normal place of functioning. And so those are certainly routes that as a counselor. I always encourage clients to start with, right, they’re not necessarily easy sometimes going to the gym can be challenging. And that certainly as for me.

And so it’s not that they’re easy but they don’t involve medication. They’re fairly inexpensive in nature. They don’t revolve Another one to What’s them.

So that right kind of paying attention patterns and making sure that your body’s getting the sleep and rest needs.

Cassie

Free, sleep is free.

Josh

Right, right. And so engaging those things that you can do on your own first in seen if that doesn’t address the situation is a great place to start.

For some, that’s not going to be enough to get them out of the depression that there and that they can do all the things that we just talked about.

And they feel some improvement and the benefit from that. But it’s not enough to get their brain chemistry back into normal healthy ranges and so they’re going to need some help.

I usually a good place to start is a counselor because medication is limited in its effectiveness in the absence of counseling that all of your labels on your inner depressant medications are going to advise you to engage

The medication can jointly with counseling because medication can’t change the circumstances of your life that brought about depression.

That it can help address the body’s ability to get back into normal healthy ranges and sometimes that’s essential for treating depression. You also need Can work with a counselor and understanding what’s going on. How did we get here to begin with. Are there things that we need to interest in order to

Not have this be a reoccurring theme in our life, or is it a biological predisposition, and we need to understand that and grieve that reality.

That medication to treat that as may always be a part of our life which is never fun to hear and is never fun to be the case. You know, I Certainly empathize and understand folks that don’t want to be on a medication for treating depression.

I don’t, I don’t want to worry i glasses. You know, I don’t like wearing sunglasses on. Don’t like contacts and I’m like mess with that. I wish I didn’t need them.

But I’m thankful that they’re available because it allows me to see my clients, see my kids and my wife and allows me to engage life and a better way.

And so I’m thankful that they’re available to me so that my biological issue with my site doesn’t have to deplete and take away from my life.

And if you’re a person who’s biology would dictate that you are going to need a depressant medication in order to keep your brain chemistry in normal healthy ranges. I would encourage you to approach it like that that you wouldn’t see it as a personal fault or deficit.Just a reality of sins effect on our bodies and the brokenness of the world that we live in right now.

And to be thankful that they’re available so that depression doesn’t have to rob you of the, the joyful life that God has created you for. So that’s how I would speak to that.

As to your specific situation. Certainly there’s lots of more information that would be needed to be able to answer. What’s needed in your situation. But as a general answer. That’s pretty good direction.

Cassie

Well, thank you, Josh, for being with me and answering the question, and thanks for wearing those eyeglasses. And if you would like to submit a question like, Renee.

You can do so using are asking for a friend page and we will, I will track down the therapist, get your question answered, and we will get that posted on our Asking for a friend page and also sent out in our weekly e newsletter. So check for it there.

Questioned asked for Alisha in Indiana

Question:

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Welcome to my counselor online. I’m Cassie, and this is asking for a friend that’s a place where you submit your questions, or a friend or for yourself.

And I tracked down one of our therapists to answer your question today I have Josh with us. It was going to answer a question from Alisha in Indiana. So here’s the question. How can I stop cutting myself. JOSH, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY.

Josh

Hey, well first I want to say thanks for your courage deletion kind of reaching out for help. And it’s a little scary when you’ve got a compulsion like that and you’re not sure what to do about it, but you don’t know How to stop doing that. And so appreciate your, your courage and submitting the question. So let’s talk for just a few minutes about What cutting as about and self harm is generally about from a clinical perspective.

Generally cutting is about a using our body’s hormones associated with pain relief as a way of modulating our emotions. So when we have emotions that we don’t know what to do it that are overwhelming for us.

Or we’re not feeling emotion at all. And that scares us, then we can use cutting as a way of managing our emotions and so

There’s a variety of different reasons why people can but if I’m feeling pain and I want to distract from the emotional pain that I’m feeling I may cut and allow the endorphins my cutting to numb out the pain that I’m feeling

If I’m feeling numb and I don’t feel alive if you hollow inside. I may cut to feel pain to feel something, and that in the field live net at other times.

I may cut because I feel unseen unheard on cared about and my cutting as a way of trying to communicate my need for help to those around me.

And so in order to stop so farms start cutting. If you want to first got to understand what is it serving What purpose does it serve and in my life.

And so what am I using the self harm. What am I using the cutting to manage in my life and how do I go about caring for that in a healthier way.

In a way, other than cutting. And so, in a nutshell, or in the shortest explanation. That’s how we understand self harm and cutting, generally speaking.

And the process that we as counselors walk through with folks in helping them to stop so farm we help them identify the purpose of the cutting a serving in their life.

We help them identify the things that are motivating that experience and help them figure out ways of dealing with that, that are healthier than through cutting

Cassie

Okay, yeah, that’s really good information. Josh, thank you for your time to answer this question for Alicia, Alicia. Thank you for your question.

If you have a question, you can use the form on our Asking for a friend page and submit it and I will track down one of our counselors to answer that question. It will post on the Asking for a friend page and also in an upcoming edition of our weekly e newsletter. So check it out.

Questioned asked for Ann in Uganda

Question:

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Welcome to my counselor online. I’m Kathy and this is asking for a friend that’s where you submit your questions and I tracked down one of our therapists to answer them.

So today’s question comes from and in Uganda. And her question is, will have broken heart be mended again if yes, how and today to answer and question. We have one of our therapists Josh for life. So, Josh, thanks for being here and thanks for answering his question.

Josh

Well, first let me say to and I’m sorry you’ve got a broken heart that’s a hard thing in life and and deal with loss of somebody that you care about, or a situation that just kind of leaves you in feeling discouraged feeling hopeless feeling unsure about the future. And I just want you to know that you are going to be able to get through this that Broken Heart as an unpleasant thing to experience. But most people experience it at some juncture in the course of their lifetime.

And we generally will get through them so that the short answer your question is yes broken heart can heal and let’s talk about how to go about doing that.

There’s a sane. That is absolutely untrue, though. It’s very common that is time heals all wounds and that’s just not the case. And that, that in fact some wounds with time just fester and get worse.

However, if you learn how to take care of your heart. How to grieve the loss that you’ve experience time passing will bring healing to that.

And so the steps for that are what we call a grief process re process is about identifying the losses that are part of your situation.

Sometimes that’s very apparent terms of maybe a person that no longer is in your life or someone it no longer wants to be in your life. And so there’s that.

Loss of that individual. But there’s also other losses that are a part of a loss like that loss of companionship, loss of somebody to do something with in your free time a loss of that.

For most support somebody to turn to and share what you’ve got going on on a day to day basis, loss of some money to dream about the future.

And there’s all these different losses that are a part of a broken heart.

And so one of the common tools that we use in identifying losses and working through the pain of those Is just letter writing home grief letters and we use a notepad and pen and we we ride out letters to the person whom the grief is associated with And we identified rap words around the things that we’re feeling all the different losses that are part of that.

And that’s painful and it’s uncomfortable and it’s difficult to do, and generally want to just avoid that.

As we do with most things that her right if you get an entry on your arm. You don’t want to touch it, you know, on you want to kind of covered up and stay away from it. Not explore it not figure out what’s going on there. And yet, if you don’t, it won’t peel. It’ll just stay this sore festering kind of spot in your heart.

And so one simple tool that you can use to help identify the losses that are part of the heartbreak.

And to begin mending and healing in that is to due process journaling grief letters.

Or you write letters and these aren’t ones that you’re going to deliver to or gift. The person or or even be able to give to the person if they’re no longer alive or you no longer have them in your life.

That but instead they’re for you to be able to wrap words around in a sort through the mixed emotions that are part of your situation.

In a way that enable you to move through that grief and all the different mixed emotions that are part of that and make it through to the other side of that.

Cassie

That sounds like a really powerful helpful tool to process that grief that’s happenin Due to that loss. So thank you for sharing that tool with us, Josh. Thank you for your time. And thank you, and for submitting your questions.

If you have a question, you could submit it on are asking for a friend page and the answers. After I tracked down with therapists and get them to shoot a quick video

Are going to post on our Asking for a friend page and also in an upcoming edition of our weekly e newsletter. So check for them there.

Question asked for Anonymous from Norway

Question:

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Welcome to my counselor online. I’m Cassie, and this is asking for a friend.

That’s where you submit your questions and I tracked down one of our therapists to answer your questions. So today I have Josh with me to answer a question from an anonymous friend in Norway. And the question is this.

How do you maintain intimacy in marriage when she is not physically attracted to him, or how do you regain that attraction. So thank you for your question, and Josh, thanks for coming in answering this question. Yeah.

Josh

Good question from anonymous in Norway, a lot of couples can navigate through, you know, what if there’s a diminishing of attraction or just life has happened, and there’s distance and disconnect. We just don’t Find that passion in pursuit and connection that we once did. And how do we regain that can it be regained can we navigate that that would be a common question that a lot of couples have out there so Let’s first answer the question to say that falling out of love, typically is not like falling in a hole in the ground.

Then it’s not something that you’re just someone long one day and boom happens as an event. One moment, you’re in love next minute you’re not in love.

One minute. You’re attracted and enjoying and passionate about your spouse and next minute you’re not it typically happens over time and through a series of life events that take place.

It can be major events, a huge and of crises within the relationship or life that takes place at creates this big disconnect Between individuals because of the trauma that’s happened and at other times it’s the the grind of little things, and that there’s unresolved conflict and there’s a disconnect Communication, or there’s difficulty in their relationship that’s unresolved but leaves unsatisfying in overtime, month after month, year after year.

The distances gets broader and broader until we’re no longer passionate or enjoying each other, whichever is the case.

The key to restoring that are getting back that places to understand how did we get here to begin with.

Know what were the traumas that begin that shift in our life from this person who we were passionate about and who we loved and enjoyed and and vision spending the rest of our life with to somebody that were like or, at worst worse, you know, just not interested in being around at all that we have a kind of more than just distance we have hostility towards And a disdain for, you know, how did we get there, or what were the, the small things that just over time and of war out our affection for each other.

We need to understand what those things are. If we’re going to be able to forgive those things. If we’re going to be able to change the dynamics of those things.And put in place things that can reverse that process. And in the same way that it generally isn’t a, a quick sudden something happened. And now we don’t like each other at all anymore. We’d have this disconnect, or we don’t find it to their attractive or enjoy each other.

usually doesn’t happen like that. It’s a process and getting back to a place of passion and enjoying each other relationship is is also across us that

Figuring out what’s getting in the way and troubleshooting that learning the things that we need to do differently in our relationship to foster and cultivate that connection.

And practicing those things over time is going to be a process. And so, setting up your expectations on the front end to be realistic is helpful.

You know, understand that if you want to rekindle the connection and the affection track attraction, you’re going to have to address the things that are have created the depletion of them.

That disconnect, you’re going to have to learn new things to be able to cultivate that. And your relationship and you’re going to have to be patient with the process of doing so.So at a high level. Those are the steps that are a part of Kind of turning the ship around, as it were, in getting heading in a direction in your relationship that can be healthy, be good and be something that you are really excited about being a part of and being engaged him.

Cassie

Well, well, that sounds kind of enormous. I love that there is a strategy and there’s so much hope there’s so much opportunity for that relationship so that’s exciting stuff.

So thank you for your time. Josh, and thank you, anonymous friend in Norway for your question.

If you have a question, and you’d like to get one of our therapists to answer it. You can submit your question.On are asking for a friend page and I will track down the therapists and we will get your question answered it will post on our Asking for a friend page and also in an upcoming edition of our weekly e newsletter. So check for it there.

Questioned asked for Anonymous from Unknown Location

Question:

“How to deal with a younger brother or a son having a disorder labelled as bipolar? How can we offer help to a 20 years old guy who is aware of his extreme mood swing, from mania to depression and vice versa (in biblical perspective/approaches)”

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Welcome to my counselor online. I’m Cassie, and this is asking for a friend.

Asking for a friend if you don’t know what that is, is a place where you submit your questions and I tracked down one of our awesome therapist and get your question answered. So today I have tracked down. Josh, and we are answering a question from an unknown friend and an unknown.

And my question is, How do I deal with a younger brother or son, having a label being labeled as bipolar. How can we offer help to a guide is around 20 who’s aware of his mood swings from mania to depression and what is a biblical approach or a perspective on this. So, Josh, take it away.

Josh

Yeah, good question and one that a lot of family members have those that have someone that they love that are struggling with something and they just don’t know how to be helpful to them. And so let’s let’s going to look at it from that angle.

One of the first characteristics that I note about it that makes the situation somewhat helpful.

Is that the person involved seems to have some acknowledgement of what’s going on with them. Right. That doesn’t necessarily from that question mean that they’re willing to seek help that they’re willing to address the issues that they’re facing and get help for those I would they do.

Have a admission to or an acknowledgement that it’s part of their experience and part of the struggle that they have. So we’re gonna really talk through two different scenarios and some of the underlying principles underneath those

And the first scenario is going to be the scenario where the person is open to getting help that they acknowledge that there’s an issue, and they are actively seeking routes for treating and address seen what they’ve got going on. Now both of these scenarios. There’s some principles of boundaries that apply.

The principles of boundaries would say this, it is easy when we love somebody To overstep our bounds that is that God has given us a limited autonomy or an unlimited sovereignty over our life. It’s not unlimited

And that, but he does give us both the responsibility and the ability to govern our lives, and he expects us to do so to exercise self control as a fruit of the Spirit. What he doesn’t ask us to do is control somebody else.

Even if that’s for their own good for their own benefit. And that’s where we get sometimes as Christians in this Harriet place that we love somebody, and we want to help them.

And so we overstepped the bounds of the limited sovereignty that God has given them over their life and instead of exercising self control. We try to exercise. Other control and try to get them to do what we believe would be best for them and their situation.

Part of navigating situations like this and unhealthy way our to have real clear understanding of what’s in my yard and what’s in their yard.

What is God made me responsible for what has God made them responsible for and to know where that line is and to stay in your own yard to stay in your own lane and even when that means The other person making choices that you wish they wouldn’t and it almost always does mean that at one stage or another.

But God hasn’t asked us to control the other person got could control the other person.

That’s created lots of things in creation that don’t have choice that are controlled by his design for them.

But God has chosen to allow people to make choices, even when they violate what he would desire for them, even to the extent of rejecting him as their got there’s their Creator.

And so if God’s and willing to control them, how we really don’t have the right or the authority to over cross those boundaries and for us to try to exercise control over them.

So we’ll need to allow them to make the choices that are part of their life and to be clear on what’s in their yard what’s in our yard and really to have clarity and our own walk with the Lord as to what he would have us do as it pertains this other person.

Because the Lord knows what’s really going to be a blessing to them and what’s not going to be a blessing to them and sometimes

In our attempts to be blessing tune individual, we can actually hinder things you know we we call that usually enabling

That is when we do things that just enable the bad behavior if the other person know enable them to not make the choices that they need to make in order to take care of themselves in a situation, we take response.

Cassie

So challenging to know what that is.

Josh

Absolutely. It’s these are not easy questions to navigate through and in the application of the principles to specific situations can be really challenging and difficult

But that’s, that’s just an abroad overarching principle that applies in all situations.

When we are in the situation or person is seeking help and is actively taking responsibility for their own life and making the choices. It’s a lot easier as a parent to come alongside them and support them encourage them to stay out of the role of trying to fix them In instead be in their corner be rooting for them, be a place for them to lean on and wait place for them to be able to be safe to share the difficulty of the struggle that they’re in.

To be a cooperative partner in whatever kinds of maybe therapeutic services or group services. group counseling, maybe that they’re engaging oftentimes as a counselor if I’m working with an individual that’s struggling through something like this.

And they have them having supportive people in their life is huge and then being able to reach their goals.

And so we’ll do an assessment of. Who are the people that they have in their life that are safe and that are supportive

And how can we use those relationships to help you reach your goals by being able to work on things outside of counseling with those individuals that then we’ll help you make it further towards your bills. So just make yourself available.

Respect their autonomy respect them as an adult and their right to make decisions, even if they’re not the ones that you would prefer that they would make

Us your yes and no judiciously to control the chaos in your life and to prevent resentment in your life.

41

00:07:15.780 –> 00:07:22.590

Developing by saying yes to things that you probably should be saying no to that on on your side.

If you’re in the situation where you have an individual who’s doesn’t acknowledge you know their need for reaching out for help or is unwilling to take responsibility for that themselves the

The answer is it’s a tough situation and oftentimes there’s very limited amount of things that you can do.

Because God hasn’t given you the ability to make them make wise decisions for themselves. And so one of the principles that we would apply in a situation like that is

Be careful not to absorb the consequences of their foolish choices that if you absorb the consequences of their foolish choices.

Then you short circuit God’s pain process that motivates us to change direction and do things differently because of the pain that we’re experiencing.

If they make the choice, but you pay the consequence. And there’s no reason, or motivation for them to change direction.

So you want to evaluate our in the choices that I’m making short circuiting God structure and design for teaching us

And redirecting us from foolish behavior, and if so, how do I step out of that. So that would be painful to see them.

Experience things that we wish they wouldn’t have to. And that could be avoided that would understand that.

Then going through that as a process that they need to in order to get ultimately where it is they need to be to start taking care of themselves and making wise sessions and the situation.

Cassie

And start allowing that process. We shouldn’t sorry short circuit what he’s trying to do.

Josh

Right, right. God’s work. You know, there is a holy spirit and I’m not him, and you’re not him and trying to do his job in the life of others, never works out for you. Yeah. And so you’ve got to be able to step back from that and allow them to make their choices into

You know, have boundaries that place limits on the impact of their negative choices and I say limits because it doesn’t eliminate the impact of their choices, but it does minimize

The impact of the choices that they make and not put ourselves in a position of piling up present moment on our side.

So in in a nutshell. In a short little synopsis. Those are some of the important principles that come to play in a situation

Like this where you have a loved one who’s struggling with something and you were trying to figure out how do I support them come alongside them through that journey.

Cassie

Yeah, that was great and This friend is blessed to have a good friend like you that would look for a way to support him and be a help to him so

I just want to encourage you in that if you have a question you’d like to ask one of our counselors, you can submit your question on are asking for a friend page.

I will track one of our counselors down and get them to answer your question, and then we will post the they’re asking for a friend page and also in an upcoming edition of our weekly e newsletter. So check it out there. Josh, thanks for your time and anonymous. Thanks for your question.

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Questioned asked for Renee in Kansas City
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Is it possible to heal from depression without seeing a doctor or counselor?
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Will a broken heart be mended again? If so, how?
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