I’m addicted to Blizzard’s Hearthstone. Which is weird because I despise card games. Maybe not having to handle the physical cards is helpful? Or the simple-yet-complex strategy of the game itself? I’ve tried Magic the Gathering but it didn’t stick with me. I like how a game of Hearthstone can be over quickly so you’re not staring down two dozen cards in various orientations.

The other love of my life is Archer. While playing Hearthstone last night I wondered what the ISIS crew would make of this game. So here are some Archer-themed Hearthstone cards and effect ideas.

TRUCKASAURUS: Minion can reach past enemy minions with taunt

OTHER BARRY: Minion leaves for two turns and returns with triple damage and health

HOW HARD IS IT TO POACH A GODDAMN EGG: If minion fails to kill target on the first attack, toss its clothing off the balcony

MR. BLOODMOBILE: Every time another minion attacks, lose 1 health

GREEN RUSSIAN: Attack power doubled next turn, then minion falls asleep for two turns

DR. SPELTZ CALLING: Minion’s attacks alternate between causing damage and having no effect

WHICH IS THIRD IN THE WORLD: Double damage when minion is the third one to attack in a turn

OH MY GOD THERE IS NO BOMB: Minion appears to do 10 damage but actually does zero

WHAT RAY, YOU ALREADY HAVE THE CHAIR: Minion temporarily goes down to 1 health during opponent’s turn

BLOB MARLEY: Silence three minions for one turn

JUST THE TIP: Enemy dies if your attack leaves them with 1 health

DIVERSITY DOUBLE WHAMMY: After playing this card, play another card of a different type

NOT AS MUCH AS I LOVE… CHOCOLATE: Attack damages target and two adjacent minions

DUCHESS: Rename a minion to something emasculating

M AS IN MANCY: Enemy minions hit themselves when attacking

I WILL LITERALLY DIE: Minion dies if not played every turn

MIND CONTROL MIKROCHIP: Enemy minion randomly attacks comrades when you cast a spell

BLOOD SWAP: Exchange health with an enemy minion

THIS IS GONNA BE AHHMAZING: Minion has +5 damage but silences adjacent minions when placed