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Topic: Were we wrong? Update p3 (Read 9233 times)

The situation has been resolved. But, now I'm second-guessing myself, and wondering if we were wrong.

BG:We moved 7 months ago. We also homeschool our kiddos. DS7 and DD5 were placed in activities and have made a few friends. (Honestly, they make friends wherever they go!) We also started attending a mega-church 3 months ago.

Main BG:DS7 joined a tee-ball team through mega-church in April. He did not know anyone on his team. When we went to a music class over the summer, he was excited to see a teammate (Friend) in the class. We have had a few play dates with Friend and his sister, and have really enjoyed this friendship (and mine with the mom).

The mom has attended mega-church for a number of years, and shared that the church likes to keep kiddos together, whether it is sports teams, Sunday school classes, small groups, etc. This is great, as it's a huge church (20,000+), so it's nice that the kiddos can see a familiar face when they experience something new.

Soccer started on Tuesday. I discovered that Friend and DS7 were on the same soccer team. (When I received the team lists, I never thought to look at the other names, because I didn't think we'd know anyone.) DS7 also discovered another teeball teammate on his soccer team. He was so excited to see some people he knew and didn't stop talking about it all night.End BG.

Yesterday afternoon, I get a phone call. Apparently, they put DS7 on the wrong team and he will be moved to the correct team. It was just a typo. Thank you for understanding.

DH and I discussed, and ended up asking the recreation manager to keep DS7 on his current team. We explained that we recently moved, and DS7 was excited to know some people on his team. Rec manager replied that uniforms were ordered already and as good parents, we should encourage our child to make friends wherever he goes. DH responded, saying we would gladly pay for the extra fees to get one extra uniform, but, we really would prefer that DS7 stays on the current team. Rec manager said he could stay on the team.

Now, normally, I wouldn't have minded switching teams at all. Like I said, I didn't even look at the other names, because I didn't think we'd know anyone. DS7 joined 2 ice hockey teams, teeball, VBS, and even a summer soccer camp, not knowing anyone, and did make some friends rather quickly.

However, he was just so excited to be with these boys again. I can understand a typo, and trying to correct it, but really have a difficult time understanding what the big issue was. And then to comment about encouraging our child to make friends wherever he goes, that upset me a whole lot, especially from a religious organization, and even more so from the man who shared his testimony during devotions at the soccer camp. That email response was very contradictory to his testimony.

I don't think that the teammates or coaches will treat DS7 any differently. But, as I've never been in a situation like this before (we really are more of a go-with-the-flow family), now I'm second-guessing us pushing to keep DS7 on the current team. I certainly don't want to be one of "those parents", but I'm afraid the condescending email upset and offended me and maybe I let my anger lead my thinking.

I think if he really used the phrase "as good parents", that is a bit condescending, and even bordering on shaming. However, I don't think the sentiment behind what he was saying was necessarily incorrect. It definitely could have been phrased better though, something like, "Let's try to use this as an opportunity for DS7 to meet new friends!"

That your son was so excited to be on the same team with a few of his friends is quite understandable. And to be honest, I'm a little suspicious that what may have prompted this whole thing was that a 'better known' family wanted THEIR child on this particular team.

No, I don't think you did anything wrong. You don't make a habit of doing things like this. It was their mistake and it was their responsibility to rectify it in a way that didn't discourage your son (or you) from participating in future church sponsered activities.

While "kids should learn to make new friends in any situation!" attitude is a reasonable ones, we're talking about young kids here. They are meant to be focusing on the sport/activity, not developing friendships in the minutes between warm ups etc. Plenty of 7 year olds need some guidance from adults in making friends, and this isn't the kind of activity where adult guidance is very possible. It's reassuring and more fun for MOST people regardless of age to be on a team with people they know. Having to switch teams when one is happy on his/her current team can damage the experience. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for him to stay on his original team.

I might have been a bit snarky - You realize that we've only been here for 7 months, right? These two boys ARE the new friends he's made. We'd prefer that he get a chance to make them old friends, by playing on the same team.

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After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice: If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.

Oooh that "good parents' comment would have really really rankled me. Quite frankly, every single thing in a child's life doesn't have to be a learning experience. Some things can just be fun. I don't think it would have even been wrong - considering that you are new to the area and the church - to have requested that your child be on a team with a child he already knew. (With the understanding that if you were told that's just not the way things were done that is fine.) Making friends can come easier to some kids than others. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sometimes just having one familiar face makes a world of difference.

So, in short, I don't think you did anything wrong.

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

And then to comment about encouraging our child to make friends wherever he goes, that upset me a whole lot, especially from a religious organization, and even more so from the man who shared his testimony during devotions at the soccer camp. That email response was very contradictory to his testimony.

I don't understand how his stance on the soccer team assignments has the tiniest thing to do with his faith in the Lord, etc.

I don't think there was anything wrong in your story at all. By anyone.

It's completely fine for him to correct the error, and even to resist your attempts to override him.

And it's completely fine for YOU to request the switch in teams *AND* to persist despite his resistance. I would probably agree with you.

The only thing that bothers me is your judgment against him, thinking him a hypocrite because he wanted to keep the organization of his teams as it had been originally set up, and trying to encourage you to help your child "stretch" instead of staying in his comfort zone. I don't see how those would be in any way at odds with a faith or any sort.

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And to be honest, I'm a little suspicious that what may have prompted this whole thing was that a 'better known' family wanted THEIR child on this particular team.

Where did this come from? There is nothing in the OP that would indicate this in any way.

The OP said the coach said the uniforms had been ordered--that would speak to a simple error.

And then to comment about encouraging our child to make friends wherever he goes, that upset me a whole lot, especially from a religious organization, and even more so from the man who shared his testimony during devotions at the soccer camp. That email response was very contradictory to his testimony.

The only thing that bothers me is your judgment against him, thinking him a hypocrite because he wanted to keep the organization of his teams as it had been originally set up, and trying to encourage you to help your child "stretch" instead of staying in his comfort zone. I don't see how those would be in any way at odds with a faith or any sort.

Regarding the bolded above: first of all, I don't think it's his place to do that sort of "encouraging", particularly since the OP had already explained to them that they had recently moved, etc. Second of all, insinuating that someone is a bad parent by not doing so isn't encouraging, it is shaming.

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

I think if he really used the phrase "as good parents", that is a bit condescending, and even bordering on shaming. However, I don't think the sentiment behind what he was saying was necessarily incorrect. It definitely could have been phrased better though, something like, "Let's try to use this as an opportunity for DS7 to meet new friends!"

Oh, but to actually answer your question OP, I don't think you were wrong in asking.

I don't think it's very productive to assign negative motivations to something we don't have information on. Could be they just had a few kids more than usual. Could be the kid was on two lists. Could be 10000 innocent things. I don't think anyone tried to "shoot you down", I just don't think it's pertinent.

ETA: And even if that's what happened, how is it any different than the OP trying to move HER kid around?

I don't think it's very productive to assign negative motivations to something we don't have information on. Could be they just had a few kids more than usual. Could be the kid was on two lists. Could be 10000 innocent things. I don't think anyone tried to "shoot you down", I just don't think it's pertinent.

ETA: And even if that's what happened, how is it any different than the OP trying to move HER kid around?

IF that happened, it would be different because it would mean that her son had actually been assigned to the team he originally thought he was on. So it would have been "his" fair-and-square team according to whatever selection process the league uses.

Then another set of parents sees the roster of their child's team and says, "Oh no!! Johnny really REALLY wanted to be on Mr. Goodcoach's team and look! He' got on Mr. Mediocre's team instead!! That just won't do. Not only that, but he doesn't like a couple of the boys on the team he's been assigned to. We'll just request that he be switched out of Mr. Mediocre's team and placed on Mr. Goodcoach's team. They can switch out that new kid!! He doesn't know anyone anyway, so he won't know the difference."