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Parents

I tried to go to bed a little bit ago but my mind won’t shut off, so here I am.

When you see so many hundreds of students in one room, you notice how different they are.

Some outgoing, some shy. Some wearing TOMs, some wearing Vans. Diamond studded watches, camo covered pocket-knives. So much difference in one room.

But still one thing is the same.

This weekend I came into contact with probably over a hundred students that I’ve known at some point in their lives. I got a lot of hugs. A few wanted to show me some new clothes or gadget they bought. Some joked around baiting me for a quick witted repsonse. Some just wanted to shyly (is that a word?) say hi. Some opened up on really deep levels.

As I responded with interest, everything stayed pleasant. But do you know what happened if I seemed disinterested? Immediate shut down. What once was a smile turned into an eye roll.

It’s like my disinterest translated as “you’re not important.” And I believe it. Because I’ve been there. I know what that feels like, because hey…I’m only 23, the teen years are not far removed from me.

All of those students that interacted with me, they all wanted something from me: attention. People in general want attention, but students specifically need attention, and attention comes in all different forms. Sometimes your kid just needs a hug. Sometimes they need you to engage with something their interested in…even if you don’t understand it or think they should be interested in something else. Maybe they need you to laugh at their joke. All in all, they just need you to notice them.

But kids aren’t just going to say: hey, pay attention to me.

The way they seek attention may not make sense to you, and actually may get on your nerves.

A plea for previously denied attention can manifest itself in bad behavior. The same way that a student would shut off towards me if I seemed disinterested in what their saying, is the same way they talk back to you when you’re on the third time telling them to clean their room but their on the fourth time trying to tell you about a school play their interested in or a band they want to see.

If you have to tell your child something multiple times and get frustrated if they aren’t listening, why would you think it is any different if your child is telling you something and you aren’t listening? Of course they are going to respond poorly.

If you’re child is being disrespectful, don’t just tell them you’re the parent so what you say goes (although that’s true…), take the time to talk with them about why you have the certain standards you do.Take time to see what is really bothering them (9 times out of 10 I’m going to guarantee it’s not just that fact you want them to clean their room that is bothering them).

Don’t just dwell in your authority.

You can still be the authority without being so engulfed in your authority that you lose sight of the fact that you want to enrich your kids lives instead of dictate your kids lives, and while I don’t think you should be ‘bff’ with your child…I do think you should let them know you support them and you are interested in them.

So don’t just write them off if their behavior is out of line. Don’t just shove your authority in their face and send them to their room. If you give yourself any credit when you’re kids do something right, you need to take some blame when you’re kids do things you don’t like. And part of that blame might be to accept the fact that maybe you haven’t paid attention to the plea for attention from your child.

A lot of parents talk at their children instead of to their children. You know what I mean?

I can’t help but think there’s some common bond between every interaction I had with a student being driven by what kind of response would I give them: will I hug back? will I compliment their outfit? will I think what they said was funny?

And if so many of them are seeking that subconscious validation from me, are they not getting it at home?

Just something to think about…

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Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

2 Responses

Love those thoughts. And such a good reminder for interacting with everyone – sons/daughters, students, friends, family… There’s always underlying reasons behind our actions and it takes a lot of patience to get there, even realizing it within ourselves and our own actions.

This is so true! You are going to be an even better mom for realizing this early. One of the most important things we can do is stop and fully pay attention to our children without thinking all the while of what we are going to do next. It takes a constant effort from me, but the payoff in their expressions is worth it!