Inside Conditions…Rebel without a cause

Just when I thought that I had heard and written about all the negative Ben Roethlisberger stories I could stomach, there is another alleged tale of “anatomical woe” that has been attributed to the beleaguered quarterback.

If these latest accusations of lewd and bad behavior by the Steelers’ franchise quarterback pan out to true, the Pittsburgh Steelers organization should not wait for the NFL, the courts or any other governing body to take action. If the accusations are not valid, leave the man the hell alone. I have grown weary of these reports about all of sorts of shenanigans Big Ben may be involved in, whether they are true or false.

Traditionally we all know that a few golf courses and the foliage surrounding them have on more than one occasion served as a temporary latrine for those who have consumed too much liquid for their kidneys and bladders to hold, yours truly included. I have no beef with Big Ben letting it flow. In other words; “wherever he might be, letting his water run free.” Nor do I have an issue with Roethlisberger or any of his cronies singing, gotta go, gotta, go, gotta go, right now. I know all of the lyrics to the song, do you?

But hold up. I was on the NBC sports website and the bloggers seem to have had no trouble staying up until after the crack of dusk to trash my main man and his hombres about their “urinary” exploits. Some of these “communicators” seemed a bit anxious and men’s rooms ready themselves. Judging by some of the things they were writing, let’s hope that there were not any “loose” methamphetamines lying around for some of these folk to get a hold of mistaking them for Tylenol.

A recent post by Mike Florio said, “We’ve received multiple e-mails over the past two days from folks sharing rumors of a new incident involving Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and a body part other than his heart.” Well, at least Mr. Fiorio appeared to be sane. But hold up, this next genius who goes by the handle of “TheRealARod” says:

“This is tough. If it was Ben, the problem is people will start crying that he took it out on purpose for the girl (even though I can almost assure you that is not the case), but if it wasn’t him then how hard can you really crack down on him? I mean it isn’t like there are bathrooms out on the golf course. Everyone that has played at least a few rounds has urinated off in the woods somewhere. The real question is whether himself or his friend bothered to go off to an area that they were not likely to be seen or if they just decided to whip it out in the middle of the fairway.” Well, well, well, if this newly discovered celeb is “the real A-Rod,” who is the guy sporting Yankee pinstripes in Gotham City? Also, what is “it” and why would he take “it” out without a purpose? This was not hide and seek. Ready or not here “it” comes.

Hey, toms and felines, don’t meow, just listen. Roethlisberger signed an 8-year, $102 million contract with the Steelers. With a 20-game schedule that amounts to $637,500 per game. So if this latest escapade by Ben is the cause for him to serve a six-game suspension instead of four, he stands to lose $1,275,000 for a 15-20 second pee-pee. Analyzing and computing the possible penalty for such an asinine action is that “well water” must be liquid gold and I am not just referring to the color either.

Kaz says: “At least now we know why Tomlin hurried up and signed that contract. He knew to get it while he could.” Wow, excuse me for being uniformed but the last time that I looked out the window, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin signed his new contract extension in blood, sweat and tears, not kidney juice. Also, was there some sort of “uriatric” value attached to Tomlin’s deal?

Let’s get back to reality. The man upstairs seems to have been partial toward us guys. God gave males and females different body parts for a specific reason. The reason that seems clear to me is for situations such as being on a golf course or standing in a crowded bar or any place that a guy could use quick cover in order to get relief “quick and easy.” Can I get a witness? Or was it because of the apple. No, that could not be it because the liaison with Beelzebub happened after the plumbing had been distributed. Forget our “external plumbing” and all the other exterior physical stuff that we have to deal with on a daily basis. The thing that God gave man that I consider to be most valuable is “common sense.” He made us to be superior and above all of the creatures of the earth so that we may acquire and maintain a higher moral standard. Money or lack of cannot or should not pollute or distort our moral and ethical values, especially if those values truly existed in the first place.

(Aubrey Bruce can be reached at: abruce@new­pitsburgh­courier.com or 412-583-6741.)