I'm a woman who has schizophrenia. In this blog I discuss my struggles with my job and finishing my B.A. in Creative Writing. I work for a mental health consumer-driven, consumer run self-help organization.

May 07, 2007

A Carnivorous Vegetarian

Ok where does that line come from? Ten points if you know.
Anyway I had therapy today and now I wish that I hadn't. I am a little more confused now than before. I couldn't formulate the words today. I am so tired from the Tegretol. I sat there like a space cadet. The sad part is that was the only reason I left my house today. I held in the tears all the way home. Nothing seems to be going right lately.

I saw a friend on Thursday and it was not a happy experience. She decided that we should meet at a cafe in Studio City and it was a longer ride on the bus than I had expected. I was very early because it was either I arrive early or late because of the bus schedule. I waited in the cold wind. It turns out that this cafe is all outdoor seating. So even after she arrived we had to sit outdoors. The cafe was full of entertainment industry people and I felt out of place. While we were having our coffee she started asking me about the size of my apartment and doesn't it get a litlle small for you sometimes? And she asked if I have a hard time making it off of my social security after I pay the rent. SHe asked where I had gotten my hair done and said oh yeah that beauty school is good. Then she said too bad you don't make more money because then you wouldn't be so bored you could just go shopping all the time. I felt she was patronizing and materialistic. Is it possible that I am simply not enjoying life in general now?

I went to a cinco de mayo party on Friday afternoon at the clubhouse and it was like where's the party? I was expecting music and dancing and food but there was no such thing. There were hardly any people there and the lunch was being delayed until 2:30. I was sad and went home.

The movie I went to alone yesterday was sad too. It took a long time to get there because it is at an independent theater that is not near me.

A friend said he would take me out to lunch soon and says it will be Taco Bell. Doesn't that suck? I don't know whether to go or not.

I don't have any plans for the remainder of the week. I guess this is just a low period in my life.

I am supposed to go thrift shopping with my friend on Sunday. The famous dollar table. Oh goody! I am bored by this. Does anyone want to trade lives with me? I could use some excitement in mine. I certainly was friendlier when I was manic. Now I am nothing but a vegetable.

My mom is supposed to bring me her food tomorrow. She can't take it with her so she doesn't want to waste it. I am really going to miss her.

Part of me wants to move to Texas and another part just wants to stay here and make things work. Either way my life has been decimated by the past year and I have nothing left here. I might as well have nothing going for me over there. Can you tell I need more Lamictal?