Local man concedes defeat and tries to adopt possum that lives in his roof

A local man has reluctantly conceded defeat and has now commenced the process of attempting to adopt the possum that is currently living in his roof. After completing some brief Internet research, Watsonia resident Darren Matthews claims he has the wherewithal to first befriend and then, eventually, domesticate his resident possum, a creature that he has already named “Scratchy”.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle, Matthews said, “As that old saying goes, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. I’ve been trying to catch Scratchy for about three months now, but he’s very elusive. I’ve tried everything: baits, traps, climbing up into the roof myself, and playing Enya at full bore in the middle of the day while he’s trying to sleep. But I’ve had no luck. So, I might as well just make peace with the furry little fella now. I think it will be fun. How many people do you know that have a pet possum?”

While Matthews admitted that he was still working through the finer points of his domestication method, he insisted that it would be a success. He said, “It might take a while, but we’ll get there. I mean, already I’ve tried to capture, poison and torture him with sleep deprivation. So, I’m coming from a long way back, but we’ll get there. I’ve been Googling what possums like to eat, and I’m off to the supermarket tonight to stock up. All them experts reckon the quickest way to a possum’s heart is through its belly. I’ll be prepared.”