Howard Stern Wants To Be Brian May (The Howard Stern Show, 1993)

"HOWARD STERN WANTS TO BE BRIAN MAY!!"

Brian May interview by Howard Stern

"The Howard Stern Show - broadcast in 1993

HOWARD STERN: Alright... let's bring in Brian May of Queen.... formerly of Queen. Freddie Mercury is gone now, so there's no more Queen. But maybe they'll get a different guy to front the band. (Brian enters) Alright !!! There you are, dude !! (clapping) Let me see if you really look like me. Well... you've got the same sort of.... well.... let me see. Let me look at you.

BRIAN MAY: Same kind of....

ROBIN QUIVERS: Yeah.. he wears the same kind of clothes.

HS: Yeah.. you dress like me. Just like me on my E! show. I even have that guitar pin that you're wearing.

BM: You have one of these jackets?

HS: I have one of those jackets. (Robin laughs)

BM: It follows me around.

HS: I saw Brian May backstage at the MTV Awards, but he was giving me some kind of rock-star attitude.

BM: It's interesting, because like, you have your own kind of territory, you know. And I remember the first time someone said 'Hey! Howard Stern?'

HS: (laughing) 'Hey... you're Howard Stern' and you went 'no'. Well... There's something wrong with me. At least Brian's a rock star. I go around looking like a rock star, and I'm not a rock star.

RQ: Yeah... at least he can play the guitar.

HS: Yeah... at least he can do something. I don't know what my problem is.

BM: On a good day I can play.

HS: I'm like the MTV-VJ's. The all dress like rock stars and try to look like rock stars... and none of them do anything. Like... what's our problem? What's going on there? But.. uh....

RQ: Well, I'll tell you one thing... you sure don't want to look like a DJ. That's one thing for sure.

HS: Yeah. So Brian... like you would walk around sometimes and people would say 'hey Howard Stern'??

BM: It only happened.. it happened, I guess, a couple of years ago. Most of.. I mean.... for the rest of my life I walked around and people just thought it was me... so...

HS: Right. So it had to be pretty upsetting. (laughs)

RQ: Yeah. That's a shock.

BM: So, actually.. I.... yes, that's right. So gradually I became aware of you, you know, and some people said 'he's a terrible guy, you know....'

HS: I'm a good guy.

BM: And some people said 'No... he's big. He' great. He's famous.' So then then I found out who you were and stuff.

HS: It makes you more controversial.

BM: It... well, yeah... in a way. And then eventually, you know, they came up and said 'you should do his show'. So I sort of said it seems our paths were meant to cross. I mean, they did cross idly at MTV when your arse was hanging out of your pants.

HS: I guess maybe that's why he didn't want to be seen with me.

RQ: You don't stop and talk to a person at that time. (laughs)

BM: That distracted me immediately.

HS: I said 'Hey Brian, how are you doing?' Meanwhile, I'm dressed as Fart Man, with a big cut-out in my ass.... and my cheeks hanging out. But I mean.. come on.... you know....

BM: You were flying around the building like a fairy. It was wonderful.

HS: I know. It was unbelievable. Well, it really wasn't, cause I really almost died that night. I was really scared.

RQ: He didn't take to flight that well.

HS: Oh man! Flight and me... this body is not meant to be in the air. I'm messed up from it.

RQ: This is definitely a grounded kind of person.

BM: I was impressed, Howard.

HS: That was a strange night.

BM: It was good, actually.

HS: And you were there actually getting a special award, right? For Queen and the whole thing.

BM: That's right.

HS: Isn't it weird now how everybody... like... all of a sudden....

RQ: ... now recognises....

HS: Yeah... recognises Queen. It took Freddie Mercury's death for everybody to sort of...

RQ: .... acknowledge these guys are great.

BM: Yes, it is very strange, cause there was a time when we couldn't do anything wrong in this country. You know... sort of "Another One Bites The Dust" and "Crazy Little Thing"-time. And then various things happened, you know. It's a long story, really.

HS: What did happen though?

BM: Well basically.... well, I think.... um.... well basically we headed towards a time when we couldn't get arrested in this country. And I think there were a number of reasons, really. I think there was image things... and I think there was a sort of....

HS: You think cause Freddy-was-gay-kind of thing.

BM: I think there was a moment when people suddenly went 'Oh my God!! Could he actually be gay??'

HS: And guys couldn't relate to Freddie Mercury.

RQ: Yeah. All of a sudden...

BM: I think there's a fear. I think there was. I don't know if it's still true in this country; but I think there was a kind of fear of that kind of thing.

HS: I know what you're saying. If a guy goes to a Queen concert... it's like.. hey... you know.. all of my friends are going to think I'm... like.... a queen. You know what I mean? Maybe that was it.

BM: I think there was a moment.... and there was a moment when we all dressed up in girl's clothes... which, you see.... in England that was viewed as....

HS: See.... I always thought you were gay.

RQ: (very surprised) Really!?!

BM: Well....

HS: You're not gay though... right?

BM: No, no, no...

HS: You get lots of girls. That's probably why you don't mind looking like me. Cause you probably think that's a good look. Cause you can get lots of girls with it. Right? That's exactly it.

BM: I'm past it. I'm too old for all that, Howard.

HS: But Freddie never said he was gay. He always kept it...

BM: Freddie actually didn't give a toss which way people thought he was; and he had no problem with it... you know. He was what he was. And he was actually a number of things... you know.

HS: Right. More than just being gay. But.. uh... what do you call it... when I was on in Detroit, when I used to do radio in Detroit.. this hairdresser called me up ... that he had an affair with Freddie.

BM: Oh yeah?

HS: And he said that Freddie was the best he'd ever had. (crew clapping)

BM: It's very strange... cause Freddie's life... and his death... has made a huge difference in the way people view all that stuff. I mean... certainly in England. I don't know how much in this country.

HS: Let me tell you something. It never bothered me that Freddie was gay. (crew clapping) I loved Queen. And I was never afraid to say it. Right Robin? Tell him. Tell Brian.

RQ: (laughing) I don't remember this....

HS: You don't? (under his breath, to Robin) Just act like it. Why do you always have to... What's with you?

RQ: I'm a news person....

HS: I was always a Queen fan.

RQ: You were a Queen fan. That's true.

BM And he's very straight. But going back to your question... it is strange because... you know... there was always a time when we couldn't actually do anything in this country. Every place else in the world we were playing football stadiums... when in this country... it was really hard.

HS: And that hurts, because everyone wants to be popular in America.

BM: It hurts.. yeah.... because also, we sort of grew up in this country... you know. This is where we became a band. And this is really, I suppose, in our minds, still the centre of rock and roll... you know. It's where it started.

HS: Where did you meet? Like.. how did you guys hook up? It must have been... like... you and Freddie were really the band. The rest of the guys you could have done without. Right?

CREW: Ohhh jeez....!!

HS: They weren't really that talented compared to you and Freddie. And you and Freddie wrote all the songs.

BM: You think so?? (laughs) No, no... it was very much...

HS: Come on. Be honest. Why don't you admit that you and Freddie really were the band?

BM: No, I wont. Because.. um....

HS: Because you're a gentleman.

BM: No.. because the biggest hit we ever had was "Another One Bites The Dust", which John wrote.

HS: Oh. He did??

BM: And "Radio Ga Ga", in most of the world, was probably.. like.... the second biggest hit we ever had... which was written by Roger. You know.. it was very.... No. I'd tell you the truth if it was true.

BM: If you get a rare.... a rare situation where it's a real group, everybody in the group matters totally. And... without Ringo, they wouldn't have been a lot of what they were. I'm totally convinced of that.

HS: So.... you married now?

BM: But even more so..... I'm boring you.

HS: No. I can change topics rapidly. I'm not buying your Ringo rap.

RQ: (clapping) If we stay on Ringo too long, we lose audience.

HS: I saw Ringo the other day. He was taking a bus. No-one even bothered him. (crew hysterical) It was... like.. 'there's Ringo'.....

BM: Did you bother him? (laughs)

HS: No-one bothered him. You married now?

BM: No... I... uh.... well, technically... I am still; but I've been separated for a long time.

RQ: Ohhh. You're dis-engaging.

HS: Because... I know what happened. You probably met a woman when you were at the height of your success. When did you get married? How many years ago?

BM: It's a longer story than that, really. I was married for about 15 years or so....you know... but it was like... uh...

HS: You must have met her when she was.. like.. a model... up-and-coming model. Something like that.

BM: No. She was a student and I was a student.

HS: Oh really?! You mean you met her before you got famous.

BM: Yeah.

HS: Oh.. no kidding. Oh... no wonder you got to get a divorce. (Brian laughs) Are you kidding? Oh... absolutely!!

HS: Chuck Norris was saying... I was at dinner the other day.... Chuck Norris says him and his wife grew apart, too.

RQ: The had a successful marriage for....?

HS: ... twenty years. Successful marriage.

BM: You married?

HS: Yeah. I'm married. Oh... I'm with my college sweetheart.

BM: How long for? Oh.... a long time then.

HS: Oh.. I'm married 20 years. How many years am I married, Robin?

RQ: Yeah.... 17... 18 years. Something like that.

HS: Some ridiculous number. I haven't slept... I'm going to be honestwith you, Brian. And you can find this hard to believe.

BM: Is this Howard Stern revelations time?

HS: Yes. I have not slept with another woman.... not had any type of sexual satisfaction from another woman besides my wife....

BM: Is this going to be in the papers tomorrow?

HS: .... for the last 20 years.

BM: That's great.

HS: That's great ?!?

BM: You're a darling.

HS: I'm ready to smack my head against the wall. (Brian laughs) Because you know, once you achieve a certain degree of fame, women come on to you that normally wouldn't. True?

BM: Uh.... when I get famous, I'll tell you, Howard.

HS: Yeah? No. You're very famous. And the point is what happened with you and your wife is you tried to be faithful and all these things; but what happened was... the temptation of life on the Road. You probably have 18... 19 year old aerobics instructors coming on to you. (all laughing) Come on. Let's be honest.

BM: Well.....

HS: You're a good person, but you couldn't resist temptation. True?

BM: Yeah... but also there was something underneath it. There was also the fact that, actually, I hadn't married the right woman.

HS: Oh... well...

RQ: Of course !! She couldn't be right !!

BM: And you.... and you just gradually find that out over the years... you know. She's a nice person; but it actually wasn't right.

HS: She would have been the right person if you were an accountant... I'm telling you.

BM: Well....it's possible. But I'm not an accountant.

HS: You just had too many women coming on to you.

BM: No, no. It was a feeling like the world....

RQ: Who would be the right person?

HS: (laughing) Bo Derrick.

BM: No.... I have...

HS: Do you have a girlfriend now?

BM: I have the right woman now.

HS: Oh... you do?

BM: Umm....

HS: How old is she?

BM: She's.... uh.... just a little younger than I am.

HS: About 16? (crew laughing and clapping)

BM: No, no, no..... ummm... yeah!

HS: Robin was hoping you'd say she was the right woman.

BM: No, no. She's... she's almost my age.... but it doesn't look it.

HS: What does she do for a living? Is she an aerobics instructor?

BM: She's a very famous actress in England.

HS: Oh really?!? Vanessa Redgrave?

RQ: Ooh... who is it?

BM: Nnnn..not that one.

HS: Lord-Lady-Window-Smear? (all laughing) Hmmm? Hmmm?

RQ: Joan Plowright.

HS: Joan Plowright?

BM: She's also known.... she's known to the people who watch East Enders in this country.... because East Enders was.. like... the biggest thing that ever happened in England. Ummm... and she...

RQ: How do you know she's the right woman? What were her qualifications?

HS: Yeah. Now why is she the right woman and your ex-wife is the wrong woman?

BM: (long silence, then laughs) Big, long silence. You just know after a while, I suppose.

HS: You do? It's just a thing that you know?

BM: Well.... don't you feel that? Didn't you gradually find that out... that you're married to the right woman?

HS: (laughing) I'm still.... I don't know...

RQ: He's still questioning that.

HS: Although, if one with bigger cans came along, I might have to leave her. (crew groans and laughs) You know what it is? I have tremendous temptations in life, as you do Brian.... and you, though, on a much larger scale, because you are internationally known.... and you're a very wealthy man. Are you worth $30 million? Excuse me... what are you? You are worth $50 million dollars. Are you not?

BM: Uh... uh... I can't remember....but...

HS: You don't even know what you're worth?

BM: Uh... not that much. It's easier to get rich in this country.

HS: Oh please. I know guys who have had one hit song.....

BM: Yeah... but this is the States. In England, it's a lot harder.

RQ: But you had hits here.

BM: Yeah.... we had hits here. But we pay taxes in England, love.

RQ: Ohhh...

HS: Oh, you did? Is it true it was 85%?

BM: Well... at the worst it was 98. We paid 98%.

RQ: My God!!

HS: Wait a second.... let me get this straight.

BM: Which is pretty funny, isn't it?

RQ: Wait a minute, Howard. Break that down to me in real numbers.

HS: Alright... that means if you made a million dollars, you got (laughing) two dollars?? (all laughing) No... you would get... like... $200,000 dollars or something.... or $100,000. You wouldn't even get 10%?!

BM: It was on a certain section of income.

RQ: It's like $20,000....

HS: No, no, no.... this can't be right. What do you mean... 98%?

BM: It was right. 98% was the top whack you could play.... you could pay... on un-earned income... you know. You would pay various levels on various parts of your...

HS: Oh.... un-earned....

BM: But on the stuff that came back... like from your investments.... you would pay 98.

HS: Oh my God!! So in other words, if you made a million dollars... and you invested it... you would pay 98% of the return on that...?

BM: That's right... yeah.

HS: And you remained in England? Even with that?

RQ: So why would you even invest? Stuff it in a mattress.

BM: Well, that's right.... yeah. We remained for a while... but we had a cut in the... in the end when we were..... um.... when we were getting really canned.... we took two years out of England. I made a home in LA, and... uh... Freddie made a home here, strangely enough.

HS: Of course!! Yeah... I can't stand that England anyway, to tell you the truth. No offense to you.

BM: It rains too much and it gets too depressing.

HS: You're not kidding.... I mean... you need nice weather. Poor Brian!! You get pasty-looking you hang out there. You grew up there in that England?

BM: I did, yeah.

HS: It must have been awful. I feel bad for you. (clapping) 98 percent tax.... to be in the fog, no less. You'd think.... I could see if I was in Aruba or something... I'd pay 98%.

RQ: If you had good weather maybe....

HS: That England is a terrible, terrible country.

BM: There's a guy holding up a little thing that says 'spots' here.... and I didn't think I had any this morning.

HS: No.. you don't have any spots. (crew laughs) You look very good. Alright. Brian is here. Brian May. He has a solo album out. We're going to listen to some of this. Do you sing on this?

BM: I do sing, yes. That's what I enjoy doing these days, yeah.

HS: Oh.. you do? Alright... good. Because we will evaluate this album. Also, Brian has his guitar with him. And one thing Brian loves to do is play along with his own records.

RQ: You're kidding!! I didn't know that.

BM: It has been known. I'm not doing it so much anymore. I sort of did a trip around the United States a year and a half ago doing it. But now, I find it to be.... I'll do it for you..... cause you're wonderful... see. And we love you so much... but..... but normally... I like to do what I do now, which is actually sing.

RQ: Well, we'll let you do that, too.

BM: Nooo... I ain't going to sing for you here. (crew moans 'awwww')

HS: If I tell you you're going to sing... you're going to sing.... or I'll throw you right outta here.

RQ: Twist his arm.

HS What is that? And believe me... I could kick your ass. You look like a guy I could... I could beat. (all laughing) You don't know karate or anything.... do you?

BM: (laughs) You don't know what I know.

HS: No.. of course not. Alright, now. Let me ask you something. These coins you play with. These are.... this is English money?

BM: This is an English sixpence, which is no longer legal currency.

RQ: (laughing) This is what he made a couple of years ago.

HS: Is that how you get that unbelievable, unique sound out of your guitar? By playing with a piece of metal?

BM: It's.... well.... it's part of it.. yeah. The guitar is actually unique anyway, because it's a totally home-made job. This is what I made with my dad about 20 years ago.

HS You made that guitar?

BM: Yeah.. we made it together.

HS: And that's the guitar you used when you played... uh.... give me the most famous riff... which of course is.... uh.....

BM: (laughing) Why should I rescue you, Howard? (crew hysterical)

HS: No, no, no... (all laughing)... do that... do that most famous riff... the... the one....

BM: Do I have this on? (guitar wails loudly)

HS: Do the part (singing) 'it's a killer queen, dee-dee-dee....' ...that one

BM: I don't know if I can do that one. I can do.... (plays end of "We Will Rock You").

HS: Alright... you tune up and I'll have you back here right after these words.....

Announcer: And we're back with the Howard Stern Show....

HS: yeah! And of course, Brian May, our special guest. And we're about 20 minutes away from speaking with Richard Pryor. What a show today. It's like the whole Merv Griffin Show. (clapping) You're hip to Richard Pryor, right?

BM: Yeah, of course.

HS: Yeah... you know him, right? They gave me sample questions to ask when I'm on the phone with him.

RQ: What are the sample questions?

HS: See.. with Brian, they didn't give me any sample questions.

BM: (Heh, heh, heh.)

HS: Are you ready for some sample questions? Hey... maybe I'll ask Brian these questions. 'People have seen you on TV. You look pretty frail. Can you still get up on stage and do it with MS?' (laughs) What a question!! What's he going to say? No? He's promoting a concert. (guitar wails) You know what I want to ask him? I read that now for sex he has to pay prostitutes to come to his house every day.

BM: (guitar playing as a backdrop)

RQ: Yeah... I hear he lays in bed all day.... pays women to come in and have sex.

HS: That's what I want to know about.

RQ: But I thought he couldn't get it up. That's what he says in... uh.. his show.

HS: Let's ask Brian if he can get it up. (laughing) Brian... can you get it up?

BM: (laughing) It depends on what you're talking about.

HS: No problem there, huh? (guitar wails)

RQ: Also, in one of the tabloids...

BM: (guitar louder, comment unintelligible... in reference to "the tabloids")

HS: In one of the tabloids what?

RQ: In one of the tabloids this week they said that Ringo... speaking of Ringo... came to Richard Pryor's house and took him out to an AA meeting.

HS: Oh really!? Wouldn't you think it's a little late for that? Why don't they let Richard Pryor enjoy a couple of drinks? You really think Richard's going to stop drinking? We've got a lot to ask Richard Pryor about. But of course, we have Brian May right now. Of course.... umm... Brian...uh... formerly of Queen, cause Queen is no longer together. That's it. Queen's over with. But yet... I just got in the mail... like.. a new Queen video, and.... do you know about this?

BM: No, no, no, no, no.... no. This is what... I suppose this is what I was hoping wasn't going to happen. I always had slight misgivings, but... I mean, I'm happy that George is doing it because it's for charity.. and it's good for him anyway. I mean, he did a great performance at this. It's a performance at the Freddie Mercury Tribute gig, which is, like... a year and a half ago.

HS: Oh... so they're releasing that on video.

BM: So they released that on video, and he released... now... as a single... which is doing phenomenally well as a single...

HS: What song did he release?

BM: It's "Somebody To Love".

HS: Oh... he did do "Somebody To Love".

BM: Yes. See.. George was a huge fan of Freddie, and.....

HS: You'd think Freddie would have liked it in those last couple of years if somebody would have... uh... let him do that again, or something... you know? You know what I'm saying? It's kind of weird....

BM: Well... in a way... except Fred.. like me... wanted to move on....you know... and you get this stuff... you know.... and you get locked into a box.. you know. So I've been just going around this country saying.. like... I'm doing something different now. I'm proud of Queen and what happened; but actually, I'm now Brian May... and I'm now... it's the Brian May Band'... you know. But then suddenly this thing comes out and it.... You just said to me it looks like George is fronting Queen or whatever.. which is not the case. So... in a way... I'm happy that it's happened; but I'm also feeling.. 'Hey, wait a minute... this is holding me into the past'. I don't want to be in the past. I want to live in the future.

HS: Right.. yeah.... but you can still get royalties off the past, right?

BM: Well... we don't get royalties off of this... cause this is... uh... this is all for AIDS... which is as it should be.

HS: No? Oh, shucks!! Can't you get a couple bucks out of that? Jesus... (all laughing)

RQ: You don't want to take money from AIDS, Howard.

HS: But you're set for life.. right Brian? I mean... you don't have to work anymore.

BM: No, money I don't have to worry about.

HS: You don't have to worry about that?

BM: No.

HS: So what do you do.... like invest it and everything? What do you got... like... it all locked up in investments and stuff?

BM: Umm... I have somebody that takes care of it. We have an accountant who's been with us for years... right from the early days.

HS: Keep your eye on him. You see what just happened to... what was it... Jane Seymour or Jayne Alexander... what was it?

BM: Yeah.. a lot of things. Yeah well... you have to trust somebody.

RQ: Oh yeah... the accountant thing.

BM: Yeah well... I trust him and he takes care of it. And a lot of it.... lot has come in over the years... also a lot has gone out over the years. I mean... apart from.......

HS: It's so ironic. You get this divorce, and you're finally getting a really nice piece... you have to give up a real good piece.

RQ: You know... it costs you. It always costs you.

HS: A piece of the change.

BM: I think everything costs you in life.

HS: Everything costs, man. It's unbelievable.

BM: Everything that's worthwhile costs.

HS: There's got to be a way for... like....

RQ: No... no freebies.

HS: I guess the perfect situation would have been that if your wife went into a coma or got in a car accident or something... right?

BM: (laughing) That's right.

RQ: And couldn't ask for anything.

HS: Yeah... it's like... why couldn't Freddie Mercury still be alive? And then Brian just lose....

RQ: Yeah... him you didn't want to divorce.

HS: Him you liked. (laughing) It's unbelievable. But still, it's the mother of your children. You've got to treat her with respect. You know what I'm saying.

BM: Well, you come around to that in the end.

RQ: So how old are the kids?

HS: Hey listen.. I don't even want to say this.... but Brian lives in a trailer in Suffolk County. (all hysterical)

RQ: He drove his home here today.

HS: (to Robin) Right next to that soap opera guy you used to date. He has the same trailer... same identical thing.

RQ: (laughing) They're room-mates.

HS: It's very, very sad.

RQ: No.... now how old are your children?

BM: Ummm... my children are fourteen, eleven and six.

HS: Oh yeah? They're old enough to fend for themselves.

RQ: Let them get jobs. (laughs)

HS: They really don't need a dad at this point.

BM: Yeah, they're fine.

HS But... I mean... you get to see them and all that kind of stuff?

BM: Yeah, yeah... but that's... none of it's easy. If there's anybody out there going through it now... it is NOT pleasant.

HS: Believe me, there's plenty of people going through it.

BM: You know.. I just can't imagine.....

RQ: What possessed you to get married so young?

BM: Well... I was young. What can I tell you.

HS: He was young. He was like most guys. He wanted to get laid on a regular basis... right? It's very true. If you want to get laid on a regular basis, you figure 'hey.. I'm never going to do any better than this...'

BM: No. I'll tell you a secret.

HS: And you can't believe a woman's willing to marry you... and you're a musician. And you're... like.. 'you want to marry me? I'm going no-where'.

BM: No. I'll tell you what it is. I think we all fulfill the dreams of our parents. And I think that's the major problem in most of ourlives. Our parents, our peers.. everyone says you have to get married at a certain time. So you find someone and you think 'oh, I can lock into this. I can do this. I can play this game. I can live this pattern out." Everyone does it, and that's.....

HS: That's a very good point. My mother..

RQ: You're talking yourself into it the whole time.

HS: Yeah well.... you're just like.... 'hey... this is something you ought to do'.

BM: It's... it's pressure from the outside world to conform... you know. And I think that's why a lot of people have a major crisis around forty or so... cause suddenly it comes to the point where you think 'I haven't actually done anything in my life that I wanted to do.'

HS: Of course.... let's face it. We're all horny bastards, us guys. And we need strange broads. (laughing, clapping, whistling from crew) We do. We just need a variety. I've been trying to tell my wife that. My mom forced me to get married.

HS: Believe me, I'm reading between the lines, pal. I understand you like no-one before. After all, you look just like me.

RQ: I think you two should get married. (laughs)

HS: You know... I like you a lot. Believe me, we'd be happy together. I wouldn't take half your money.

BM: You'd take all of it. (all hysterical)

HS: Yeah.. and I'm pretty easy in the sack. So... um.... but I bet there were a lot of reporters and stuff and people who always thought you were gay cause you were in Queen... and Freddie was pretty flamboyant. So there was probably that issue.

BM: Mmmmm.... not really.. no.

HS: And like while you were backstage with groupies and girls and stuff... Freddie would be with guys... right?

BM: Ummm... (long pause) There was a point where that happened... yeah. But, I mean... in... in... for a lot of his life, Freddie was not a promiscuous person anyway. There's a major misconception that goes on here that many people think that's what happened, and that's why he got AIDS. He was actually very... I think you would say serially monogamous. The same as I am.. or you are... you know.

HS: Well, not the way you are. Listen...

RQ: His series is lasting a long time.

HS: Let's not use you as an example of monogamy... okay? Go ahead.... yes?

RQ: Serial monogamy.

BM: Yes... so I think there was a period of time where... umm... you know... Freddie was pretty much private, and... umm... probably hadn't really come to terms with... with what he did want. And finally, he did find it...

HS: He got that horrible disease.

BM: Well... yeah... which we all can do, folks. It only takes one... encounter. It doesn't matter who you screw. It can happen.

RQ: Well, he left most of his money to a woman...right?

HS: Yeah... what was that all about?

BM: Yeah well... Mary was with Freddie from the very early days when we were students and everything... and he always remained close to her and...

HS: Did he leave you any money?

BM: (laughing) I didn't need him to leave me any money.

HS: Oh come on. It would have been nice... a little stipend.

RQ: Didn't he know you were going through a terrible divorce?

HS: Did Freddie know you were divorcing your wife? Couldn't he have made a stipulation? (all laughing)

BM: I'll tell you... it was very strange, because we all go through many kinds of crap, you know. And I think towards the end of Queen's life, we were closer than any of us were to our families because Queen was... like... the longest-standing family that any of us had. So we were pretty close.

HS: Your parents were real dicks to you and everything?

BM: My parents were very good to me... in fact, probably too good to me... which was the problem. I think they had too many expectations.

HS: Oh.. I see.

RQ: That's always a problem. Either they're bad or they're too good.

BM: That's right. You cannot be a good parent.

HS: I know with my kids I'm trying to be a really good parent... but I know they'll be on the psychiatrist's couch talking about what a scuzz-ball I was. I had that stupid radio show and it really embarrassed them and everything. I know it. I know I'll be paying psychiatric bills for years out of guilt.

BM: You have kids?

HS: I got three girls.

RQ: Oh... Brian thinks that's horrible. (all laughing)

HS: Yeah... it is pretty awful, isn't it.

BM: No. I think that's fine.

HS: Hey... I wonder if you're built just like me. I mean... I wonder if you've got a big weenie. I got a tiny little weenie. (crew groans loudly) You big? I bet you're big.

BM: What.... what...? Is this a kind of..... um....

HS: I bet you're... like... twelve inches. Me? You know how big I am? I'm going to be honest with you. I ain't showing you.. but I'll tell you how I am. (all hysterical)

BM: At least we can be grateful he's not going to show it.

HS: I'm not even an inch.

RQ: Oh... stop it!! That's anatomically impossible. Babies are...

HS: I swear to God. Ask my doctor. I'm like a baby. I'm hung like a baby.

BM: Folks, this could be TV and we could all be REALLY embarrassed.

HS: Okay... let's do something really special here, now that we're coming toward the end of our time, Brian. Because...

BM: You're not going to ask me to play something.

HS: Yeah... that's what I'm going to ask you to do.

BM: No... you're not.

HS: What do you mean? What do you got a guitar with you for then? Are you crazy?

BM: I just make noises with a guitar.

HS: Let me see. What's on this? Let me see what's on your CD.

BM: What am I going to play here?

HS: Play something..... play... (guitar wails)

BM: I'll play you this... (bit of "Bohemian Rhapsody")

HS: Hey... you know the riff from "Under Pressure"..... ?

BM: Yes.

HS: Did you write that? (singing) Doo Doo Doo do-do-do Doo

BM: Ahh... I would say John wrote that. John Deacon, our bass player.

HS: Oh.. he did? Did he get... did you guys get royalties when Vanilla Ice put out that record?

BM: The Vanilla Ice thing? Eventually... yes.

HS: Do that little riff.

BM: Well... it's a....

HS: Even though you don't have a bass.

BM: It's only like... (plays "Under Pressure" riff) That's it, really. Which is totally different from what Vanilla Ice did. Did you see him on his interview? He said 'no, it's totally different, cause ours goes.... (plays "Ice Ice Baby" riff, almost identical to "Under Pressure" riff)

HS: Oh.. yeah.... totally different.

BM: He was right, really. I have no hard feelings because the guy.... uh... settled up. And it's all fine.

HS: Oh, I see. So he had to pay you guys.

BM: Uh.. yeah. But in the end, it was very good for us because a lot of people went 'ah, so that's where that comes from'. So a lot of people who never would have heard of Queen heard of Queen because of that.

HS: Idiot!! Alright... what else you got? What's the best song on your new album?

BM: Play some music... "Resurrection". Play me "Resurrection".

HS: What track is that? Do you know?

BM: Umm.... four?

HS: Four... okay.

BM: Three? I don't know.

HS: What is this "Resurrection"? Is it about Jesus? Everyone with Jesus! Is it about Jesus?

BM: (laughing... then serious) It's more about a personal thing, really. It's more about personal things, I should say.

HS: Is this when you broke up with your wife?

BM: No.. this is like looking for something....

HS: New! It's about your new girlfriend.

BM: No. Well, it's about a lot of stuff...

RQ: (to Howard) Will you stop yelling out !? (laughing)

HS: Well, he wont tell me what it's about!!

BM: Songs are about a lot of things.

HS: Is it about Freddie?

BM: Mmmm.... Freddie's in there somewhere.

HS: Freddie sort of coming back...

BM: Freddie's in there. Freddie's in there. And.. uh... I think my dad's in there. There's a lot of things there. And I was, at the beginning of making this album, I was seriously... like.... hopelessly depressed. And by the time I got to the point where I could write "Resurrection", I felt like I could see a little glimmer of....

HS: Now.. who is being resurrected in this song? Freddie?

RQ: (referring to Brian) He is!!

BM: Uh....

HS: Oh... Brian is?

BM: No... no... it's a song for everybody to feel like their own spirit is...

HS: Re-birth? Alright, alright... dragging it out of him.... it's like pulling teeth.

RQ: No... he said he was depressed and he had a glimmer of hope...

BM: If I could explain it, I wouldn't have written the song.

HS: Let me hear if I get out of my depression when I hear this song... cause I'm always depressed. (all laughing) I haven't gotten out of my depression yet.

BM: We can talk over the intro. We've got a little cosmic stuff going on.

HS: How long is this happening for?

BM: This is only about 15 seconds. Are we there? Do we have this? Yeah... this is a little journey.

HS: If this song makes money, you'll get plenty un-depressed.. let me tell you that. You'll be happy all of a sudden. "Resurrection". Ladies and gentlemen... Brian May. I'll tell you if it's any good. Let me hear this. This part I like. I love this stuff. I love when you do this kind of stuff. (drumming begins) Oooh.. good drums!! I like the drums. I like the guitar. I like that you haven't wimped out. I like that you're rocking. I like this. What do you rate it, Robin?

RQ: It's good!! I give it a ten.

HS: So far... so far it's a ten.

BM: Of course it's damn good!! What do you expect?? (laughing)

HS: So far it's a ten. I've got to wait for the singing part though, to really evaluate it. (singing begins) You sound as good as Freddie. I like that part. That's a hook. It's called a hook.... right, Brian??

BM: It's... uh.. they say the hook is undeniable.

HS: Let me lower the music. I can't hear you. What?

BM: (laughing) Yeah... that's a hook.

HS: Oh.. I think that's great.

BM: A little hook in there.

HS: I'm proud to know you. I want to marry you. Ohhh.... I know what this is about. I got it figured out now. Shhhhhh !! A lot of those young jack-asses can't play as good as you... right? Say it, Brian. A lot of these young guys coming up... they all suck... right?

BM: A lot.... a lot of these young guys coming up are astoundingly brilliant. But I just play how I feel.

HS: Didn't you just play on a whole record with Eddie Van Halen or something?

BM: Yeah... that was a while ago... (refers to drum solo) This is Cozy's bit.

HS: What the hell is this? This sounds satanic!! I think you're praying to Satan on this part. I'm going to call the PMRC and report him. I like this. That's you singing?

BM: Yeah.

HS: That's you??

BM: (shouting over the music) There's about three-thousand of me singing it... yeah.

HS: (stops music) Wait a second. How'd you get your voice that deep for that part? (Brian laughs) Is that through some kind of equipment. (Howard mimics the singing)

BM: (still laughing) No, no, no, no.... just like you do, Howard. Just like you do. It's alright. So there we go.

HS: Is there secret messages on this... if you play it backwards?

BM: It's not.. no. I don't play secrets.

HS: Someone told me that they played this song... someone told me that they played "Resurrection" backwards and they heard a secret marriage telling your new girlfriend to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. (crew hysterical - Howard in deep-voiced monotone...) 'you will sign a pre-nuptial... you will sign a pre-nuptial' (laughing continues)

BM: You got it. You got it.

HS: Listen to this... listen to this song backwards. Wait a second. Alright. What are you going.... Brian... before you leave... you got the guitar there. Sing some.. do something.

BM: I ain't going to sing to you now.

HS: Why? Why can't...

BM: Unless it's "My Old Man's A Tosser" or something...

HS: Well.... then sing that.

BM: Oh...let me see. What can I sing. Do you know... (singing) 'Don't jump off of the roof, dad'. Do you know that one?

RQ: No. We don't know that one.

HS: What the hell is that?

BM: (singing) '...you'll make a hole in the yard. Mother just planted petunias... the weeding and seeding was hard.'

HS: Alright. Do that. Do it with the guitar. Here he is.... Brian May...

BM: (with guitar) 'If you must end it all, dad... wont you please give us a break? Just take a walk to the park, dad. And then you can jump in the lake.'

HS Alright. (claps) I'll take that. I can play that. I think I can play that one.

BM: Yeah, folks!!

HS I want to thank Brian May. Brian May's new record is out. And by the way, you will be going out on tour... true? True or false.

BM: Umm... well... I've just been out on tour.

RQ: You've been in and out, yeah.

HS: No... but he might be doing another tour.

BM: There's a possibility I could come back.... yeah... depending if people buy the damn record or not, you know.

BM: You may see me again. I don't know. It's a possibility. We could do our own tour.

HS: Good.

RQ: Was it good opening for Guns 'n Roses?

BM: It was brilliant opening for Guns 'n Roses. They were great. Theirs were fantastic audiences, as a matter of fact. And it gave me a great feeling of satisfaction being able to get across to them... and the fact that they didn't want us to leave after we'd finished playing.

HS: So you opened for Guns 'n Roses? That had to be cool. You probably saw a lot of cool backstage stuff going on.. huh?

BM: Uhh.. they're backstage is very similar to what ours used to be.

HS: Oh yeah? Party central.

RQ: It must be wild.

BM: It's very variable... you know.. the way it always is.

HS: Those guys having a lot of sex back there.. huh.

BM: Uhh... they're having a lot of crisps and... you know....

HS: They're having a lot of sex... believe me.

BM: A lot of sodas and everything....

HS: You should see what goes on back there. You can't believe what's going on.

BM: I think you're obsessed, Howard Stern.

HS: Did you actually hang with those dudes?

BM: We had a little bit of time together. We did a lot of talking. I mean.. I have a lot of respect for them... a lot of love...

HS: Who's the better guitar player... you or Slash? Who do you think is better?

BM: Uhh.... he probably is.

HS: Aaah... aaah... He doesn't think that at all.

BM: To tell you the truth, you can't really talk about better, cause everybody's different... you know. But the guy... I watched him...

HS: Everybody's a nice guy in show-business.

BM: You don't have to be a nice guy. I actually like him.

HS: Well.... you're a damn good guitar player.

BM: There's people in this business I don't like... but... I'm not going to bring that up... you know. There's a couple...

HS: You don't have to mention my name. (crew claps)

BM: No.. no... not you. No... no.

HS: I want to thank Brian May... who is my twin. As a matter of fact, I'll be going out on the road with him... and we're just going to be having sex with twins the entire tour.

RQ: The twin's tour..

HS: Yeah... cause we're twins... then we get in bed with the girls... and Brian and I are thinking about blowing... blow drying our hair straight today. So.. we got to decide what we're going to do. We're going to dress the same every day, too. (guitar wails) We're like the Double Mint twins. But... uh... I want to thank you for coming in, Brian. You are one of the greatest guitarists that ever lived.

BM: Awww... that's very kind of you. You don't have to say that.

HS: Sure I do. It's written down here on the paper.

BM: But it was very nice meeting you.

HS: It's very nice meeting you, too, Brian.

BM: You can come on my show anytime.

HS: Thank you, Brian. And you're welcome here anytime. Brian May. And his new solo album is out... and I guess the single is "Resurrection".

BM: That's the new single... yeah.

HS: That's the new single. So... umm... you got a video for MTV?

BM: Yes, we do... which I'm very proud of... yeah. These H-Gunn guys did it for me. It's superb.