So it was pretty certain that she wasn't going to like Zoe's painting of Bert. But she didn't have to go on about it.

"I dinnae know why you put that oul thing in a frame.""Because we love it.""Huh! Will I dinnae like it. It lucks naethin' leck Bertie." "Well everyone else likes it. It's greatly admired.""Humph! I dinnae know why ivrybody thinks Zoe's so good at the painting. She can paint nane! That's naethin like Bertie.""Huh? Everyone who comes in here knows straight away that picture is of Bert.""Bertie's face wis niver that colour in his life! Sure she's painted him green!"

Not true. Bert's had a green face manys a time in the past. Usually due to overindulgence in alcohol and/or recreationals. But Pearlie never seen it because he always kept his head under the blanket on those mornings.

But I'm not the only one who has been insulted thus by Pearlie or had our flesh & blood held up to ridicule.

Recently Bert's cousin presented Pearlie with a framed photograph of her baby granddaughter. It was one of those snaps that are taken in old-fashioned garb and the baby was wearing an outsize pinafore and a mob cap.

"Oh I dinnae like that. Can ye no get me a nicer one? She looks like a wee frog in that."

Pearlie has taken the frog child's photo out of the frame and replaced it with one of Charlotte Church. The child's grandmother has not been back since.