25 October 2009

Are you there?Are you watching me?As I lie here on this floorThey say you feel what I doThey say you're here every momentWill you stay? Stay 'till the darkness leavesStay here with meI know you're busy, I know I'm just oneBut you might be the only one who sees meWhy is it so hard?Why can't you just take me?I don't have much to goBefore I fade completelyCan you feel how cold I am?Do you cry as I do?Are you lonely up there all by yourself?How are you so strong?What's it like to feel so free?Your heart is really somethingYour love, a complete mystery to meAre you there watching me?As I lie here on this floorAre you there?Are you watching me?

19 October 2009

06 October 2009

Have you recently found yourself asking any of the following questions:

-Whose fixed-gear bicycle is that in my garage? -Where do I keep misplacing the charger for my iPod Nano? -Why are there vast amounts of food mysteriously not missing from my pantry and refrigerator each week?

Yes? Then chances are, you've got hipsters.

Hipster infestations have become commonplace in modern times. One day, life seems completely normal. The next, you've got an anorexic in a train-conductor hat scurrying across your kitchen in the middle of dinner. This, understandably, can be a pretty disconcerting sight.

Not to worry, though. While hipsters can really slaughter a nice mood, they are otherwise harmless and probably just as frightened of you as you are of them. Still, they are a nuisance, of course, and need to be treated as such.Following are suggested measures to pinpoint the location of hipsters in your home, coax them out from their hiding places, and capture and return them to their natural habitats.

Hipsters prefer dank, dimly lit areas, should you have any in your abode.These provide ideal quarters for them to set up makeshift darkrooms in which they can develop the countless photographs they've taken with their vintage cameras.Usually, these are pictures of idled trains, abandoned bus depots, or of themselves (for their MySpace profiles).

You've located where your hipsters are camped out, now comes the hard part. Getting RID of them.

Hipsters are freakishly antisocial; some argue it is genetic. This trait becomes especially magnified in unfamiliar or non-hip environments. So, the last thing you want to do is alienate hipsters further from society than they've already alienated themselves.Here are a few things you must understand before attempting to communicate with hipsters: -Hipsters know more about music than you do. -Hipsters know more about clothing than you do. -Hipsters know more about Charles Bukowski than you do. -Your sense of fashion is "fin" (bad).

Embracing these ideas as fact will not put you on the same level as hipsters, that would be ridiculous, but it will let the hipster know that you are keeping it real, which they can respect, sort of.

With that, you'll want to open the dialogue on a fairly benign topic so as not to indicate that you mean the hipsters harm, or that you are in fact a poseur.Here are some suggestions: -That deck [good] Conor Oberst is signing autographs at Amoeba Records today. -Check out my new tattoo! (Or new fixed-gear bike.) -Anyone for a really small slice of vegan soy pizza?�

Hipsters have usually attended a liberal-arts college for at least two years, however, and are thus extremely smart and often won't take the verbal bait. In this situation, you must be cruel to be kind and exploit the hipster's Achilles heel: music.

There are two approaches to smoking them out musically: 1.)Play non-hip music, and play it very loudly. Remember, hipsters all have iPod Nanos, so it's going to have to be extremely ear-shattering to overpower the sonic armor of Death Cab for Cutie.Recommended selections include: Anything by Kenny Rogers or Green Day, or Radiohead's Hail to the Thief (hipsters generally agree that this is when Radiohead sold out). Really, any popular, major-label artist will do the trick.

2.)Play music they enjoy, such as Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah!, the National, or Monorchid. These recordings may prove a bit harder to find, however, so there's always the "the" band theory: the Strokes, the Faint, the Hives, the Killers, the Vines, the Bravery, etc. are usually considered "deck" (good) by hipsters, despite their popular major-label status. (Note: the "The", however, will NOT work using approach number two. See approach number one.)When it comes to "The" bands, you might ask: Well, which one? Don't hipsters like one better than the others? Trust us when we tell you that it isn't going to make the slightest difference.

Hopefully by now, you've got the hipsters out in the open. Maybe they're sitting in your living room brooding, or writing in a journal, or looking uncomfortable and ostracized. This is totally normal, and means you've done everything by the book thus far.

Yet at this stage you will likely encounter the following critical conundrum: When removing hipsters from your home, your paternal instinct may kick in at the sight of their waif-like appearances, and you will feel obligated to nourish them. Do not attempt to do this.

In the first place, it is highly unlikely you have hipster food. Kraft macaroni and cheese or microwaveable Bagel Bites will only make them angry. (Though it completely defies logic, hipsters also know more about food than you do.) Hamburger Helper is a grave insult to hipsters and will undoubtedly evoke a derisive response along such lines as, "Do you have any idea what's in that stuff?!?" Obviously, no, you do not.

Moreover, it should be noted that hipster's eating cycles differ greatly from those of non-hipsters. As an example: What are the chances of you uncovering your hipster infestation on, say, the third Wednesday (or designated feeding day) of that particular month, and of having enough organic soy-based products in your fridge to feed them all? Admittedly, it would not require much. But, you have to agree, the odds are pretty slim.

The best thing for them, and for you, is to simply return hipsters to the habitat from which they came. And don't think you can just pile into the SUV and drive them there, they will spurn you for your wanton consumerism. Get that archaic road bike out from the garage, they'll probably buy it from you when all is said and done and cruise them around the local arts district to coffee shops and record stores until they are all given low-paying jobs based solely on their stylish appearances and morose demeanor. Hipsters are much happier when they are poor (although you'd never know this by looking at them).

05 October 2009

I like reading other peoples blogs and I always wish that I1.) had the time to update my blog often and2.) knew how to write well enough to keep people interested to read until the end and potentially think about leaving a comment.

But I don't....mostly I post one liners about how I'm feeling that day, and they mostly don't make any sense to anyone but me so its rather pointless to post it, OR I post random things along the lines of funny youtube videos or a funny picture that I hope makes you laugh or political ramblings that will result in thinking, "felicia, that crazy conspiracy theorist"

21 August 2009

17 August 2009

08 August 2009

04 August 2009

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty faceThe kind you'd find on someone I could saveIf they don't put me awayWell, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing outThat everything good is happening somewhere else?But with nobody in your bedThe night's hard to get through

And I will die all aloneAnd when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well Jesus Christ, I'm alone againSo what did you do those three days you were dead?Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,I'm a little bit scared of what comes afterDo I get the gold chariot?Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?Cause my pride is too sly to hold back all my darkAnd the ship went down in sight of landAnd at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you'll come in the night like a thiefBut I've had some time alone to hold my lies inside meI know you think that I'm someone you can trustBut I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think that we could work out a signSo I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you'll come for the people like meBut we all got wood and nailsTongue tied to a hating factory

But we all got wood and nailsYour tortured (and hanging) factoryYeah, we all got wood and nailsYour tortured (and hanging) factoryYeah, we all got wood and nailsAnd we sleep inside of this machine

12 July 2009

So I've moved to my dads, here in Neosho, MO. A town with one major road..."The Boulevard" in which lies a Walmart, Taco Gringos (The best midnight snack you will ever have), McDonald's, and a few mom and pop places. Not much to do, to say the least. There's also a major generational sub-culture here...holiness pentecostal. There are 5 of these churches in this small town, one baptist church and one non-denominational church (that one being my dads). The majority of the population here are holiness, they believe that girls can't cut their hair, can't wear make-up, can't wear pants or do anything to your body that you weren't born w basically. Most of them are very religious people...following generational tradition from this town rather than focusing on truth. Most people here are born and raised here, and pretty much never move away. The majority of kids get married by 18, maybe 19. Which makes me an old maid here. I can't even count the number of times I've been asked if I'm dating someone seriously. My grandma keeps telling me "she's praying me in a man." Which is rather frightening. I'll willingly admit to being obsessed with romantic love. Meeting that one person you become one with; its beautiful. But after these first few days of being here...being married is something I feel like running from. At least in this environment. The other half of the population are the epitome of American rednecks. I mean dirty southern greasy sweaty...."my truck is bigger than yours" rednecks. The highlight of this weekend was a tractor-pull contest out at the fairgrounds. Wow. How entertaining. But I'm not here to categorize the people that live here, or ponder on the fun I might be having back in Nashville, I'm here to spend time with family. I'm here to hang out with my dad and get to know my siblings. Or at least that's what I'm trying to do.

My dad has been writing a column called "Signs Of The Times" for a weekly christian newsletter, they're actually quite interesting. I enjoyed reading them, I'll tell you right now I underestimate my father everyday.

Column One

In view of the times in which we live, it is imperitive that we understand the things that will come to pass on humanity as a whole and America in particular. I do not claim to be a prophet, nor am I a date-setter as to the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. What I will claim is that the Bible is infallible and contains ALL truth. It's truths are not secretive and it does not take a Greek and Hebrew scholar to find them out. The most important possession one must have when studying the scriptures of God is His help in the person of the Holy Ghost. A common mistake many make is taking their beliefs to the Bible, instead of taking their beliefs from the Bible. (You may want to read that again.) I encourage you to open yourself to the truth that God has made abundantly clear in His Word.

The first thing I want to look at is the signs of the times. Jesus said in Matthew24:33, "So likewise ye, (us) when ye shall see all these things, know that it (Jesus' second coming and the end of the age) is near, even at the doors." Someone once said that the only thing we ever learn from history is that we never learn from history. A very apt statement which you will see shortly. We do not learn from history because our studies are brief and prejudiced. It is hard to see the "big picture" when only studying brief segments of time. When one takes a hard look at the history of humanity as a whole, one will soon realize that history absolutely repeats itself. King Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived besides Jesus said in Ecclesiastes 1:9,10,"The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun. Is there anything whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before us."

For approximately the past 3000 years of human history there have been about 12 major empires. When I say empire, I mean a nation that dominates the rest of humanity in productivity, culture, and military might. In other words, a "superpower". If you include America, that brings the total to 13. All "superpowers" share common characteristics. They all begin with a violent and usually unforseen outburst of energy and end with a decline in moral standards, cynicism, pessimism, and frivolity. A frightening pattern emerges in that all 12 of these "superpowers" began virtually the same way and ended after 10 generations, or approximately 250 years. The empires of Assyria, Greece, Roman Republic, Roman Empire, Spain, and Britain, to name a few, all share common characteristics. Although some of these empires still exist, they no longer wield dominating "world power". America is following the footsteps of all the "superpowers" which have come before. Of interesting note is that the heroes of declining nations are always the same: actors, athletes, and singers. I shouldn't need to mention that Ameican Idol on Fox has the highest ratings of any television show, or that actors are wielding influence upon public opinion, and sports stadiums are full of people cheering on their favorite athlete[s]. If you don't think that America is in the throes of decline, you need to pull your head out of the sand and look around at the decreasing moral fabric of our society. Over 50 million unborn babies have been slaughtered in the name of convenience. States in our country are sanctioning homosexual marriages and pedophilia is rampant. These, my friend, are signs of the times in which we live.

According to the history of all the "superpowers" that have been before us, America is living in the last stages of a failing empire. This last stage is decadence. It is a moral and spiritual disease, resulting from too long a period of wealth and power which by the way, America has enjoyed for about 233 years. This "age of decadence" produces cynicism, decline in "real" religion, pessimism, and frivolity. Citizens of a nation at this stage will no longer make an effort to save their country because they are not convinced that there is anything worth saving. Even though we are in the throes of economic chaos, no one is willing to do what is neccessary to curb the tide of overwhelming debt. People are still buying cars, homes, and a host of other things on credit. Our government is basically bankrupt. Signs of the times? What lies ahead for America and the rest of the world? We will discuss this next time.

Column Two

The first thing that Jesus tells His disciples (and us) is found in Matthew 24:4. "...Take heed that no man deceive you." There are many today teaching false doctrine and leading many astray. Jude writes in verse 4, "For there are certain men crept in unawares, who were before of old ordained to this condemnation, ungodly men, turning the grace of our God into lasciviousness, and denying the only Lord God, and our Lord Jesus Christ." I have always encouraged my congregation to read their Bible for themselves and I will tell you the same.Too many just ingest whatever their pastor tells them without checking the Word of God for themselves. This is another way false doctrine gets propegated. Most believe what they do because their parents and grand-parents believed that way. This goes on until it becomes accepted truth without anyone questioning its validity. I will tell you openly and honestly, don't just take my words for truth. Go to the Source and see if I tell the truth or not. You can't argue with scripture lest you are found to be fighting against God Himself. There is nothing wrong with questioning the teachings of your pastor. In Acts 17:11, the Bereans "...received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, [to see] whether those things were so." The Bereans didn't just take Paul and Silas' word for what the scriptures said, they checked their preaching out for themselves. We must do the same. Do not entrust your eternal destiny to ANY man. We must all "...work out our own salvation with fear and trembling." Phillippians 2:12

Let us now take a look at the signs Jesus told us to look for that would tell us His coming was near and would culminate in the end of the world as we know it. If what I am about to tell you does not convince you that we are living in the last days, you are beyond being convinced. In Matthew 24:6, Jesus says "...you will hear of wars and rumors of wars..." The world has never been free from war and bloodshed; however with WWI, total war was waged and then again in WWII. In WWII, 93 million people served in the armed forces of both sides. At the twenty-first session of the International Red Cross in 1969, it was reported that more than 90 million people have been killed in wars since the twentieth century began. Over 3 trillion dollars has been spent on arms and over 130 conflicts on 5 continents have been waged. Governments around the globe spend billions of dollars preparing for war every year. Of particular interest is that one nuclear submarine of today carries more explosive force than ALL the bombs and ammunition detonated in WWII. Sobering facts? Think on this: It has been said that we are the only generation who has the capability to destroy the planet.

Matthew 24:7 mentions three more signs to keep watch for that will mark the last days leading up to Jesus' return and the end of the world. "...there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places." Let's look at them in order. The World Health Organization estimates that of the world population, one-third is well-fed, one-third is under-fed, and one-third is starving. Thirty people die from starvation every sixty seconds. We here in America cannot imagine anyone starving to death. The reason this is so is because all we are worried about is ourselves, besides we live in the "land 'o plenty". Most restaurants waste more food in a single day than some people in other countries will see all year. We are the land of the buffet, the all-you-can-eat-'till-you-can-barely-walk-to-your-car nation. Out of sight, out of mind.

Pestilences. Thirty-five percent of the world's food is lost to insects prior to harvest, ten percent is lost to insects while the food is stored. The US Department of Agriculture says there are approximately 364 "superbugs" worldwide which have developed a resistance to the poisons used to control them. We have all heard of killer bees and mosquitos carrying who knows what. We are currently in the midst of a "swine flu" pandemic. Concerned yet?

Earthquakes. The World Almanac tells us that there were only six major earthquakes between 1800-1896. In each decade from 1897 to 1947 there were either two or three. In the decade from 1947 to 1956 there were seven, and from 1957 to 1966 there were seventeen. Since 1975, there have been forty significant earthquakes. In the last five years of the 1970s, more people were killed by earthquakes than in the entire seventy-five years preceding.

Now Jesus tell us in Matthew 24:8 that, "All these are the beginning of sorrows." [emphasis mine] There is more to come.

03 July 2009

Here I go breaking my own heart againI didn't know that things could get this out of handIf I called home right now I know I'd get my share of advicethat I don't want but I might need

daddy says i didn't raise you to need a manmomma says it all hurts and find a good one if you canoh they can't help their preachinbut they cant stop my reachinfor all the livin i ain't done yeti got my own road to run

i know the truth is that they're usually rightbut i got to point this steerin' wheel my own way

05 June 2009

Tuesday I went to see UP, the new Disney-Pixar movie.It's phenomenal, please do go see it.Anyway, the entire movie is revolved around travel, and adventure. This couple who loves each other both want to go see the world and so when they get married they start saving coins and pennies in a jar and every so often the jar would get full, but their car would break down so they had to use the money to fix it and start over. Or someone would get sick and they had to use the money for doctors bill.

It hit my heart so hard because I feel like that is the story of my life. I want to go travel document the world, do missions but somehow money always gets in the way and as soon as I get a break from life something happens and I have to use the money that was going to go towards traveling. Its exhausting, really.

"You can do whatever you want", "Let your dreams take you where ever"I'm trying to not sound pessimistic as much as I can, but those statements aren't even remotely true. You can dream all you want, you can fight for something and still not get it. And maybe it fell in to the lap of the person right next to you. Who knows.It's just the realization that I'm not in control, therefor I can't MAKE things happen, if that's not the way its meant to be.

10 May 2009

08 May 2009

05 May 2009

"I saw what your mother was doing. I saw how neglected you were; I saw her drive your father off and I spent a lot of time beating myself up about that. But what does that do for you? Nothing. Nothing. I wasn't your advocate. I didn't fight for you. I never stood up for you. I let myself off the hook. I told myself I was young and didn't know any better, but I did know better. I wasn't much younger than you are now. I should have fought for you, Meredith. Like you fought for that child today. I told myself that I wasn't your father. That it wasn't my responsibilty, that I was right not to but in. I let myself off the hook. You were helpless. You were a baby. Beautiful. Smart. Funny little girl. And no one stood up for you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." - Dr. Webber (Grey's Anatomy) (Make fun, and I shall kill you)

30 April 2009

Flaming hoops. Cowardly lions. Mirrors Mirrors Mirrors. Elephants in the room.I go in circles. around the world. around I spin.

I wish i were brave. desperately.there are things in my life that i just can't face...I'm not strong enough.so i spin. that way, i will be too dizzy to look you in the eyes. And maybe, if I spin long enough, I will forget what your eyes look like.

i am not love sick...i am not sick of love.love keeps me alive and breathing. love never fails me.i am simply sick of games. of mistakes. of spinning.

I know a girl who lives in Utopia. To my knowledge, she is the last of its occupants. She is one in a million. She is rare. She is beautiful. She is pure. In her mind, it is possible to live without being stained by the world. She challenges my cynical mind every day. She inspires me to live pure. In moments of despair, I think to myself...I am too far gone. To return to Utopia would take years.

But in reality, it can happen in a matter of seconds. We have the ability to change...but I think that most of us rather like our sin. But why? Sin makes us miserable. It stains our character. It confuses our souls. It separates us from happiness and peace. So why do so many of us chose to live here? We live in these strange lands that we carve out of our own opinions and emotions...we leave Utopia (a land of peace and prosperity) to abide in some trashy wasteland that only makes us more unsatisfied. We are fools.

After 1/3 of our generation has been murdered by abortion, the other 2/3 are choosing to throw away their lives based on what "feels right". I'm at the point of no return. I long for things to be black and white again. Life has been grey for far too long. I'm not about rules and regulations...or legalism or judgmental ideals. I am not close minded. On the contrary...I simply have found that on this journey called life, true happiness and fulfillment is not achieved by indulging in whatever "feels right." See, that's the thing about lust. It is never satisfied. It always want MORE. You can't possibly be happy if you live according to desire.

We all live in a circus. We all feel pain, we all suffer devastation. Our friends don't come through, our finances are always wanting, and our appetite is never satisfied. Our parents let us down, our jobs frustrate us, and our emotions run wild. How on earth could we ever be at peace in a cold war?

There is peace and hope in life submitted to your creator. I want to obey. I want to seek. I want to understand. I want to know who created me and WHY he created me. Then, and only then, will I ever be able to escape this circus of un-devoted distraction. Where purpose in not known, abuse is inevitable. Stop spinning. Breathe.

28 April 2009

"Happy are those who find wisdom.and those who get understanding,for her income is better than silver,and revenue better than gold.She is more precious than jewels,and nothing you desire can comparewith her. Long life is in her right hand;in her left hand are riches and honor.Her ways are ways of pleasantnessand all her paths are peace.She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of herthose who hold her fast are calledhappy." -Proverbs 3:13-18

Growing up I remember the passage in bold (she is more precious..) referring to a man and how he should look at his wife. Re- reading this now I realize that would be taking it out of context completely. It's referring to the importance of wisdom.

I don't know maybe I'm just crazy...but is the bold scripture not most commonly placed as encouragement to women to realize their worth and something said to men to help realize the worth of women? Not that the above interpretation is doing harm...but its talking about wisdom...which I feel is much more powerful.

“I learned a great deal about myself while watching a documentary a few years ago about elephants in a wildlife trust in Africa. There were twenty-five elephants, all of them orphans, and they had been brought to the trust twenty years before. They were becoming teenagers– in elephant years. The girls were adequate, getting along with the other elephants, but there were a few boys who were causing a great deal of trouble. The narrator talked about the frustrations these few elephants were feeling because they had gone into early musth cycles, which showed up as a green pus running down their right hind leg. This phase produced aggressive and violent behavior, the elephant equivalent of sexual frustration.

The narrator in the documentary said the elephant musth cycle beings in adolescence, and normally lasts only a few days. But among these orphans, the musth cycle was disrupted and had become unusually long. These elephants were taking out their aggression on rhinos that bathed at a local mud pool. An elephant would slowly lumber down to the pool, enter near a rhino, then spear it through the side with his tusks. The elephant would then lean his gargantuan forehead into the head of the rhino, holding the beast underwater until it drowned. The filmmakers followed these orphan elephants who were always on their own, staggering about the wildlife refuge, fueled by a pent-up aggression they couldn’t understand. They weren’t acting like elephants– they didn’t know what an elephant was supposed to do with all his energy, all his muscle.

Occasionally, two elephants in musth would meet, and the encounter was always violent, going so far as to uproot trees in the fray of their brawl. When both beasts, bloodied, lumbered their separate ways alone– without a family, without a tribe– I couldn’t help but identify. I have never killed a rhino, or much of anything for that matter, but there have been times in my life when I didn’t know exactly how to be. I mean, there were feelings, sometimes anger, sometimes depression, sometimes raging lust, and I was never sure what any of it was about. I just felt like killing somebody, or sleeping with some girl, or decking a guy in a bar, and I didn’t know what to do with any of these feelings. Life was a confusing series of emotions rubbing against events. I wasn’t sure how to manage myself, how to talk to a woman, how to build a career, how to– well, be a man.

To me, life was something you had to stumble through alone. It wasn’t something you enjoyed or conquered, it was something that happened to you, and you didn’t have a whole lot of say about the way it turned out. You just acted out your feelings and hoped you never got caught.

Watching television that night, however, the narrator began to speak of a kind of hope for these elephants. Elephant development, apparently, begins very early. Female elephants are only capable of having children once every two years, and during those two years between babies, the young are cared for obsessively by their mothers. They are fed, sheltered, loved, and guided in their learning of basic survival.

It is only at the first musth cycle that a young male elephant leaves his mother and enters into the African wild, searching for a mentor, a guide. The green pus running down his hind leg and his smell like fresh-cut grass alerts an older, fully mature male, that this is a young elephant in need of guidance. Upon finding a mentor, the young elephant’s musth cycle ends. The older and younger begin to travel together, to find food together, to protect each other– the older one teaching the younger what elephant strength is for, and how to use it for the benefit of himself and the tribe.

Watching television that night, I wondered if humans aren’t like that, too. I began to wonder if we guys were designed to have a father, whose very presence would cause us to understand more accurately what our muscle is for, what we are supposed to do with our energy.

You have to wonder, don’t you? Some statistics state as many as 85 percent of the guys in prison grew up without a dad. This is sobering to me.

And so watching the documentary, I began to wonder if those of us without dads aren’t making mistakes in our lives we wouldn’t make if we had a father to guide us. I wondered if there isn’t a better paradigm for our existence– a way of being men, a way each of us could truly embrace if it were instilled in us by a man who spoke with altruism and authority. I wondered if people who grow up with great fathers don’t walk around with a subconscious sense they are wanted on this planet, that they belong, and the world needs them. And I wondered this: Is there practical information we are supposed to know about work, women, decisions, authority, leadership, marriage, and family that we would have learned if there were a guide around to help us navigate our journey? I wondered if some of the confusing emotions I was feeling weren’t a kind of suspended adolescence from which the presence of an older man might have delivered me.

24 April 2009

23 April 2009

And I claim I'm not excited with my life any moreSo I blame this town, this job, these friendsThe truth is it's myselfAnd I'm trying to understand myselfand pinpoint where i amWhen I finally get it figured outI've change the whole damn planOh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tightTalking shit about a pretty sunsetBlanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soonI've changed my mind so much I cant even trust itMy mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself

18 April 2009

We've all had our heart broken. Even if not through a romantic relationship...someone has betrayed our trust in one way or another. The kind of betrayal/hurt that makes your stomach want to fall out your butt. Makes you feel like there's no hope in people anymore; hurt happens and it sucks.

But when did it become acceptable to cause this hurt? When did it become acceptable to cheat on your boy/girlfriend that you've been with for a year or so. Who decided that was OK? We didn't. We just let it slide, became more comfortable with betrayal and lying...not necessarily to say we don't mind if people do it, but we expect it. Whatever happened to expecting the good until proven wrong?

Too many people have gone and fucked up the system.

What in your right mind thinks (this is more towards the guys cause that's where my experience lies) that emotional mind games are ok? You like a girl you date her. Cut & dry. No more of this gray area of confusion. Especially when you have a gf.

This is turning into a rant more than an insightful thought process as it began...so i'm going to stop now. I just wish we could get back to organic dating. Taking a girl out if you like her and then dating her. As opposed to "hooking up" or "playing the field."

14 April 2009

So this first half of the year has been a complete growing experience. And almost everyone I talk to gets an entire mouthful of me rambling and just thinking out-loud...because that's what I'm best at. If you would have asked me in January what my plans were for this year I would have told you confidently that my best friend faith and I were getting an apartment and then saving up for L.A. in which I would be re-locating to in the fall. Well that plan has made a one-eighty turn into something life-changing and completely different.

Towards the end of January a friend of mine asked me to come to this church called the anchor. I was a little weary because the last church I visited with this particular friend was not anything I liked or felt moved to join, by any means. As I walked into the church I was amazed with the culture of it...there were kids tattooed from head to toe...kids (well, young adults) with piercings, and these "kids" were what the average churchy-church would turn away. I think there's a HUGE misunderstanding between the church and the average young adult-artist where they feel unwelcome and uncomfortable when normally they're not unwelcome but the church also doesn't know how to reach out or connect with these young artists because they themselves are elders and just simply can not connect. So as I'm walking up to this church I realize immediately this is something I want to be a part of; and even more so when the worship was so filled with the presence that I had tears streaming. That being said I now go every week and I consider this my home church. (www.anchorfellowship.com) (listen to some of Josh's pod casts, they'll blow your face off)

The above being said I feel like I should re-iterate where I said with the whole churchy-God stuff. I grew up in it. Never felt connected to it. Never felt this overwhelming love coming from people that could effing care less if you have long hair or where a skirt or even have money or....there's always been this list of do's and don'ts that I associate with church. But God loves us wherever you are on this journey and doesn't hold back because your dress like this or sin more than the next person, he loves us always the same amount abundantly and unconditionally. This is something that has been re-revealed to me in the past couple months.

So growing up almost feeling the complete need to rebel against organized religion...I also lost touch with leading my life by what I'm called and lead to do. I am a completely independent girl who at times thinks she knows it all and likes to be in complete control....which is not a lifestyle that is synonymous with doing whatever God calls me to do.

All of that rambling above is to say plans have changed.I feel lead to live with my dad for a few months, and just let this healing process that God has started completely work out until I know what my next move is; which potentially is Greece in the Fall...but who knows that could change in the next couple months.

I'm just happy where I'm at and the weight of trying to figure out my life plan is lifted and its changed to I trust God to guide me as opposed to I'm going to figure it all out on my own-it's impossible btw.

This new thing is exciting and life-changing and also everything I already new just reiterated and re-revealed to me in a way that just clicked.

Love,Felicia-Changing.(and change hurts....but its a good and exciting hurt, if that's not too much of an oxymoron for your brain to comprehend)