If this is your first time here you should skip this post. Really. Go away until tomorrow. It’s one long run-on sentence and makes almost no sense and it’s filled with typos. I haven’t slept in two days.

The last 36 hours has been strange even by my personal standards. First of all, after two years of turmoil and struggle I was finally recognized for my contribution in the field of politics when I was presented with a Shorty Award. It was a big night for me and I may have screamed a bit, which was fine because I was actually watching it from home because I was too freaked out to go to New York alone and I think Victor broke his arm on purpose so that I wouldn’t walk up on stage in my panda suit to accept the award from that guy who does the Daily Show. Also, I was told to submit my acceptance speech in case I win and I specifically asked them to have Jerry Stiller read it and accept the award for me, but when he came out on the stage at the beginning he looked so frail that I wanted to just put him in an egg container to keep him safe, and I silently prayed that they wouldn’t actually let him read my acceptance speech because I gave him stage directions that when he screams “WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIINES!” he should do it with victorious fist-pumping action, (ala Red Dawn) and I’m fairly sure it would have shattered all the bones in his body. No one wants to be responsible for killing Jerry Stiller.

For those of you wondering what the fuck I’m talking about and why I even wanted a political award when I don’t actually have anything to do with politics, I will give you a short summary. Part 1: 15 months ago I was somehow shortlisted in a political category for the Shorty Awards (it’s like the Oscars of Twitter) and I spent a lot of time telling The Shorty Award people that I’m not actually in government but it didn’t work because people kept voting for me ironically so I decided to run with it and took on NASA and the Mayor of New York. Also, my personal hero (Author, Neil Gaiman) decided he’d run for the Customer Service category because the “author” category just seemed too fucking obvious, and also I think we were drawn to the idea of showing why voter-driven awards are fundamentally flawed.

Part 2. I was a top finalist until the last day of voting when I was unceremoniously stripped of all of my votes because NASA paid them off. I assume. The Shorty People said it was because I’m not really a Government official. They also stripped Neil of his Customer Service votes. It was totally shitty but the city of Martindale Texas came to the rescue and named me as their official Czar. I report to the stray cat that lives at city hall. None of this is made up and I have pictures to prove it.

Part 3. I sent a strongly-worded email to the Shorty Awards demanding my votes be reinstated as I was now a Government official. They told me I need a full year of service before it counts. I think maybe the shorty awards don’t know how the Government works.

Part 5. The Mayor of Martindale traveled to Houston to present me with my crown, scepter, and a government proclamation (signed by the cat). Then I was attacked on stage by a stray baby.

Part 6: In my duties as an official Czar of Texas I have judged and accidentally desecrated a beauty pageant (but forgot to write about it) and personally welcomed Neil Gaiman to Texas. I planned to give him the key to the city but the only key I had on me was my mailbox key and I was expecting a package that week.

Part 7 (one year from ordinal update): This is part seven. It’s been a year of service and after many dedicated followers (thank you!) voted to reverse this travesty I found myself short-listed, and the finalist list went to the Academy to make the final vote. It’s an Academy that includes MC Hammer. This is all true. Apparently MC Hammer is a fan of chaos and anarchy because I won. They flashed my acceptance speech (recognizing Martindale, TX and the cat I report to) onto the screen and it was done. It would have been more exciting except one of the other winners was a sandwich. True story. Winners include me, Conan O’Brien, and a sandwich. I’m not sure what they’re going to do with my glass trophy since I wasn’t there to accept it but if they don’t want to mail it me I’m going to ask them to give it to a homeless person because homeless people deserve trophies too.

PS. If Nathan does not respond then I’m going to use the money to buy a bunch of pigmy goats for my neighbor because then I won’t have to be responsible for the goats but I can still play with them. Best idea ever.

UPDATED: It’s been several days and Nathan Fillion not tweeted anything remotely regarding twine. He did, however, tweet a picture of a fake dead cat covered in ketchup and another one of him stand next to food. In other words, Nathan Fillion has lost his damn mind. Personally, I’m concerned and I think perhaps we need to leave him alone. The good news though is that I told Alyssa Milano that I seem to have inadvertantly terrified Nathan Fillion and asked if she could stand in for him and she replied “I’m confused”, which is totally a fair response. Then I explained a bit further and she said she would totally be happy to send us a picture the very next time she did something incredibly random. I suggested a picture of her thumbwrestling Sarah Silverman or or possibly having a staring contest with an animal but it’s really up to her. Personally, it doesn’t even matter if she never sends anything. The very fact that she responded at all makes her fucking classy in my book. This would have a funnier ending if I didn’t only have 9 minutes before my laptop battery gives out. Just pretend I wrote something hysterically right here.

I remember that ‘political’ post. Mainly because I got ‘comment of the day’ and basically ejaculated all over myself because I was so excited. It was either for that reason, or all the porn I was watching in a different window.

potato, potato.

This also makes me wonder if David Archuletta/Muffaletta ever won in the food category. I hate not following up on things.

Definitely worth spending $402 on pigmy goats. If you have any left over, i’ll quite happily take the money off your hands as I quite fancy a Krispy Kreme doughnut, but I can’t justify spending what little money I have on one!

There are no words to describe the awesomeness I feel flowing from my keyboard, into my fingers, up my arms, and into my head right now. You? Awesome. Paypal money? Awesome. Taxidermied pigs dressed as Scarlett O’Hare? Excruciatingly awesome. You are my hero, woman.

I sometimes fear that people think that I’m a know-it-all because I’ve done a bunch of things and been a bunch of places and funny things happen to me and I like to recount them in funny ways – and yes, maybe I DO talk to much.
But then I get here and read your posts and get all the way to the bottom and realize that I have absolutely nothing relevant to add.
Thank you for making me feel more secure.
Love,
Kit

No wait… you did send Wil something for the pic of him collating paper. I vaguely remember you mentioning you hoped the paypal address was right. So, ALL THE MONEY ON NATHAN!! Or goats. OR Nathan playing with pigmy goats,…. while holding twine, sexiliy. Or the coats could be holding the twine with their little goat teeth….

Okay.. I need to stop before I start giggling hysterically at work and people think I’m weirder than they already think I am.

This should totally be a regular feature. It would become the cool thing for celebs to send you pictures of themselves pointing at traffic cones or using a toothpick to clean the gunk out of a soap dispenser pump. Your Celebrities Photographed Near Random Objects could be the next Funny Or Die.

or maybe you can find some fainting goats, because the entertainment value on that shit is infinite.

regardless, i love you (not in a creepy way).

andrea

p.s. would victor let you get the pig if you offer to flash freeze it? then we’d all just donate additional monies (which i am MORE than willing to do) in order for you to purchase some kind of cryogenic chamber so that scarlett o’hara would stay frozen. then you can tell victor that you are going to charge admission for viewings, so really you’re totally contributing to your family becoming millionaire’s. honestly he should just thank you and shut up.

I spent all last night defending my $.11 donation to my husband. He’s all “she could be trafficking humans or building mind controlling robots and you just funded that shit.”. It’s good to have something definite to tell him. I think ive earned that sexy picture of Nathan fillion.

Also if your neighbor gets bored cleaning up pigmy goat poo then they can taxidermy the goats and dress them as a whole set of literary characters. You could start a dead animal puppet theater. Kids would love it.

If @Nathan Fillion held the twine between his teeth, then wrapped one end through his touseled hair, and let the other end dangle over his naked collar bone, with a flirty little twirl right just where the twine meets the bone, that would be quite sexy, I’ll bet.

God almighty! This post alone is worth my 11 cents! – I should have donated twice, I probably will, when my stomach stops seizing up from laughing… I HAVE to see Nathan with sexy twine – Nay, I NEED TO!

I see. Very interesting. I completely understand your excitment. So sorry to hear about Patsy Swine and her stanky-ness. You win some, you lose some. So relieved to hear Jerry Stiller is still alive. Good luck on the pigmy goats. Be warned, however, I heard they can be a-holes.

I can’t believe I had to Google Nathan Fillion because I loves him. I just never knew his name. But now that I know…I can’t stop picturing him wrapped in twine. And very little else. Totally worth $400.

I’m so torn now! I totally want to see a picture of Nathan Fillion holding twine, but I’ve been nagging my husband for pygmy goats for two years now, and living vicariously through your neighbours sounds like a good alternative.

Aw shit, dude. I was in New York all week, and I live in Austin. I totally could have brought that shit to you, but then some homeless person would be denied the joy of trophy ownership. I guess it’s for the best then.

[…] it needs to be shared and this post is as good as any. I absolutely fucking love The Bloggess, and this just makes me adore her more. The freshest in culture. Featured on PopPressed All in a Designer's Day's […]

I wish sexily would have been spelled out–shirtless across a desk. Goats have to come before drunken squirrel-only because I don’t think $400 is enough to support the copious amounts sf alcohol and squirrel sized straws and glasses.

I agree – buy FAINTING GOATS! And be sure to videotape it when Hailey sees them and starts squealing and they fall over and Hailey starts screaming “GET UP! GET UP! MOMMY WHY WON’T THEY GET UP?” and you tell her it’s because she killed the goats by squealing at them and then she starts crying and then they get up and then she believes she is actually a phoenix because phoenix tears will heal wounds and bring the dead back to life and then she forgets and squeals again and then the goats faint and can I stop typing this run-on sentence now please?

O. Mah. Gawd. Nathan Fillion “sexily” holding twine? Girl, if you get that, then I’m officially nominating you as Czar of the Intertubes AND buying the t-shirt! Even if you don’t, you still rock, and now that I’ve gotten my paycheck, I’m heading over to buy a Wil Wheaton Collating Papers T-shirt — and donating towards the “Picture of Nathan Fillion Sexily Holding Twine” cause.

This post made me feel like I was on Twin Peaks or something. I’m so happy for you in the face of this victory. Pygmy goats are terrifying. They will chase you around a pen with snappers of large goaty boogers attached to their noses. Don’t ask how I know.

I am so hoping you buy the goats for the neighbor, I can’t wait to hear how that all turns out and would hope that the presentation of said goats to said neighbor is filmed and posted. I can just imagine how it would go if I bought goats for my neighbor and presented them to either of them.

NO NO, Amanda Palmer with a candle stick in the kitchen…or is that Clue? Anywho, as a card carrying member of The Bloggess Army (I made the card myself) I am super excited for your shorty award. Actually if you’re in politics does that mean you can use your army to declare war on competing blogs? I’m just curious.

Your life is epic. It puts Gone With the Wind to shame. And when I am making myself a sandwich for lunch today, I am going to remind that chicken salad on wheat that we both have the potential to be so much more. Pep talks work wonders on sandwiches…or maybe that’s pepper. *Pepper* works wonders on sandwiches. Anyway, good luck on the bribe to Nathan Fillion.

My in-laws live in Darwin, MN, home of the World’s Largest Ball of Twine Made By One Man. Do you suppose we could convince Nathan to come to Darwin & hold THAT ball of twine? ‘Cuz I think they know people who know people who would let us in the twine ball’s gazebo…

yesterday, i had a conversation with my husband (and yes, i know it’s a shock that somebody married me but i digress) he said that i should go to Texas to meet you because he thinks our conversations would be worth the airfare and that he had to go to Texas for business. Are you with me so far? at any rate, i was saying that you reminded me of me when i was younger but that you’re crazier (i think…i honestly can’t remember that far back) and maybe if i had grown up in a more permissive society i’d be crazier too.

So then we decided that indeed i should meet you but honestly, upon reading this post, i think it’s conceivable you’re fucking crazy, even by my reduced standards.

At any rate, you’re a hell of a lot of fun to read and the good news is that because of Firefly, i love Nathan Fillion so i would check out that pic. I didn’t send you the money though…although i like that 11 cents was a prime number.

It’s probably sad how eagerly I am looking forward to hearing Nathan Fillion’s response to your offer. I so so so WANT to see this photo. I’m so excited by the prospect every single word in this comment has been typed at least twice due to errors brought on by extreme excitability.

Let us know if you need more money. I have 11 cents right now. Friday is payday & probably I could go as high as 11 dollars then.

That is a crying shame about the Scarlet O’Hara pig. Was she wearing the green dress Mamie made from the drapes?? Because if I had a pig dressed as Scarlet that’s what she’d be wearing.

However, Mr. Fillion is a wise investment indeed. And he’s a really cool guy. I have faith in him. He will come through for you. He’ll have to. Otherwise he’ll crumble under the weight of our MILLIONS of tweets.

Also, if I hadn’t been reading your blog for a long time now, I’d call bullshit. All of this is REALLY bizarre, even for you. And I say that with the most love a person with a hangover can possibly give without vomiting down the front of her shirt.

Better idea…they should pay you $402 and bring you to NYC and you should be in Castle WITH Nathan Fillion. Because, he’s a writer on the show…you’re a writer. And I can only see this increasing the ratings. Come on ABC!

Very long post Ms. Ess…And informational. I beleive next year I too will try and win a Shorty. In the category of “Person who has Failed to Use or Understand Twitter for the Longest in the Universe.” I’m a shoe-in.

Um, that’s me you quoted there. Best eleven cents I EVER FUCKING SPENT. This is way better than having the same name as the chick from whom Barry Bonds (allegedly) threatened to violently remove the breast implants he purchased.

As much as I want to see Hannah the Drunken Squirrel Pianist (and I really, really wanna), I want to see Nathan Fillion holding twine. Sexily. Do you know how hard it is to explain your blog to people and not have them give me the “you crazy” side-eye? Now I’m off to twitter the challenge to Captain Mal.

Ohhhh Jenny…once again I am completely flabbergasted and elated at the same time. And confused. But in a good way. While I do love me some Nathan Fillion, I think you need to get some goats. But not the pygmy ones, the fainting ones.

I hate to say anything negative about goats because I’m going to get some in my next life but I could dress in horns and faint myself if you got a picture of Nathan Fillion holding anything, but twine is suitably odd.

First – Congratulations. They couldn’t give the award to anyone more deserving and awesome. Unless Nathan Fillion was also nominated in which case, sorry sister, but I gotta go with Captain Tightpants.

Second – if you manage to get a picture of Nathan Fillion holding twine – or anything – for $402, you are my new lifetime hero. End of story. Can I get a copy of that?

The biggest shocker to me of this whole thing is the fact that you wrote 450 thank you emails. Imagine my sheepishness remembering the 2 weeks it took me to remember to text the inlaw “thanks for the Wii” after my husbands birthday. Piggy Scarlett would have been proud, Jenny. Just you remember that…

I just found your blog. I wish I was as funny as you. Were you always funny? Like when you were a kid did you get in trouble in school for be a cut up? If you ever want to come to Alaska email me and I’ll help you figure out your trip!

Uh Oh, your neighbors don’t have a shoe fetish do they? Cause based on your post (Goat shoes) it does NOT bode well for the goats, your mental health and property values. Unless of course you actually HATE goats and WANT to see them running around on their unzippered foot stumps.

I LOVE Nathan!! I miss Serenity:( I just saw that the movie “Super”(I think) And it has lots of great people in it, two of which are Raine Wilson and Nathan Fillion! I want to see it so bad. I really really hope he sends this picture, as previous people have mentioned we need it.
I also LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog, never change.

Congratulations!!! Although I am still confused about what it is that you won… I’m not very smart though.
I would love to see a picture of Nathan Fillion holding twine- I hope that he submits to your demands. Yes, I meant every bit of what that implies.

I think at this point the Nathan Fillion pic is somewhat of a necessity. Also, it was inevitable. You got your taste of nerd-celebrities-holding-things because of Wil Wheaton and now you’re on to Nathan Fillion. Next thing we know you’ll be begging Neil Patrick Harris for a picture of himself tying his shoe so that you can get your “fix.” And now I’m off to tweet Nathan Fillion because I am nothing if not an enabler.

1) go back on your meds. please.
2) it’s ok if you don ‘t write every few days. post the funny ones, not the ones that try too hard.
3) maybe your sister would like to sub so you can relax for a week and recup.
4) there’s a lot of genuine sadness IN THE WORLD: tsunamis, earthquakes, poverty so give the money to charity.
6) THANK YOU FOR GIVING A TROPHY TO A HOMELESS PERSON!

I’m so proud of you. I’m catching up through the archives while I eat lunch and so the horror of the whole Shorty debacle is still very fresh in my mind. It’s like it happened just last week. I am so happy you finally got what was coming to you.

Jenny–
If you do get @nathanfillion to agree to this sexy twine holding madness, could you at least present the $406 to him in person with a giant novelty check? Preferably a giant novelty check that is a life-sized image of a pig dressed as Scarlett O’Hara?

Change the twine to a hammer. Possibly two hammers. The hammer is his penis, after all. Also, he’s a Captain AND a bestselling author AND really attractive. And I met him! Three times! And he is also SUPERNICE and even hotter in person. Srsly, I’d leave my boyfriend for him.

Congrats on your Shorty!
I am oh so glad I found your stickers in the bathroom at Blogher. Not that I wasn’t reading you before, but it was like rolls & rolls of stickers on the last night and it reminded me that I needed to stop by here more frequently. Definitely glad I do ’cause you make me happy!

I feel bad for Laurie F. because I thought she needed to lighten up and then someone went and was rude and that just sucks when obviously if she saw Nathan Fillion holding twine (esp if he was even partially nekkidddddd — oh my) then she would feel better and realize that this is your brilliance ON meds. Duh.

I totally have a giant ball of twine if you want it. It’s larger than my head. And I am trying to cover up the plethora of zits on my chin that are obstructing all the wrinkles. TWITPIC is totally fucked up right now…that took a lot of work. But you are so worth it.

Dear Jody Who Called Me A Bitch:
I am seriously NOT a bitch but if you would like to think of me that way, please do. I did get a little snarky oon purpose but it is kind of tense around here right now. Besides, it’s nothing that my beloved Jenny hasn’t seen or read or written. I love her. @ Kyouell, I really think that now, you are my new Will Wheaton and would be happy to post a picture of you on my blog.

I met Nathan Fillion back in 2008. He was beyond awesome. He swiped my blue walking cane (I have RA) from me and began beating small children and antelope with it. After that he signed it with a silver sharpie and gave it back with a smile.

Okay okay. He only tapped the antelope with it. He totally thrashed the kid though. Over the head.
No. No that’s alie. But the rest is true word for word. I have pics of him but he isn’t holding twine. And his eyes are red because I was poor and my camera didn’t have fancy red eye reduction on it.

This post = better even than the week I spent on Bartman acid back in the early 90’s. Tell Fillion there’s an extra $5.39 in it for him if he holds the twine while doing a head shake/animal snarl combo. I’m good for it.

I love you people. And that includes Laurie F. who is a very dear friend and is perfectly entitled to her opinion.

There are actually two different people who’ve told me that I should give the money to Japan and I think that would be a lovely idea except that I specifically said I was fund-raising for something “incredibly fucking stupid”. If I give the money to Japan that would be false advertising. And also insulting to Japan. Raising money for worthy causes is incredibly important but one of my pet causes is the undeniable joy that comes from a group of people doing something incredibly silly for no reason other than to laugh together as a community. Eleven cents is a small price to pay for being able to say you contributed to something that made someone smile.

But rest assured that the two other Japan fundraising things that have already been done on this blog were quite successful and, in fact, several of the eleven cent donations actually came from Japan (a country which embraces the value of inanity and laughter to an amazing degree). However, if you’d like to bully Nathan Fillion into giving his hard-earned twine money to Japan you can totally do that. Just be aware that turnabout is fair-play and it’s entirely possible that one day someone will follow you around all day, shaking their head in dismay as you buy coffee and chapstick and pantyhose as they loudly point out that you could be donating that money to starving children in Africa. I’m not sure why anyone would do that but crazier things have happened. For instance, I just offered Nathan Fillion $406 for a picture of him with twine. All bets are off at this point.

I wish I was your neighbor because then *I* would get the pigmy goats and anyone who knows me knows I love pigmy goats. Did you know you can dress them up? Kind of like those stupid plastic geese that people have on their porches… except the pigmy goats are REAL. Who wouldn’t love a real, live pigmy goat dressed up in a bright yellow rain slicker on their porch?

I think you should consider buying a 4 foot tall stuffed Jackalope dressed in faded overalls with a fiddle leaning up beside him and a sign in his hands reading “Will Fiddle For Food!” You could name him Eustace. If I can’t have him, I can vicariously live through your enjoyment of him!

Poor Nathan Fillion.
You *really* wanted the taxidermied pig (albeit not just ANY taxidermied pig) but in lieu of that, HIS PICTURE will do? If he finds out he’s only the consolation prize to Ms. O’Hara, I would suggest keeping him *away* from twine. And shoelaces. Just sayin’.

Considering Scarlett O’Hara lived in the time before hot showers and Bath and Body Works, she probably stank as well. So really, the taxidermied pig IS authentic and the owner doesn’t know this. I think you should take her for all she’s got. Assuming it’s a she. Oh, is the pig a male pig or a female pig? Because honestly? It’s way more awesome if the pig was a he. That shows comfort in his masculinity, even after death. Preserved FOREVER.

I’d pay $402 for a picture of Nathan Fillion doing dirty things to twine.
Not sure what those dirty things could be and frankly I’m sort of grossing myself out considering the possibilities but yea, I’d still pay it.

You make the world a better place.
Could I describe in “talking words” (you know, the soundy stuff primarily used outside of a computer) how happy I am for your prize/you/modern living/this post/Nathan Fillion holding twine? Probably not, but rest assured all of it makes me very, very happy. Congratulations and thank you!

Pygmy goats sound great, but not as cool as FAINTING GOATS. Check it out: http://faintinggoat.com/. Then you could laugh at your neighbor’s goats whenever they spontaneously fell over. But then that would give them the right to do the same to you…anyway, just a thought!

Wow, okay, so I’ve been following you for a while now, mostly quietly, except to donate the odd 11 cents now and again; and to be perfectly honest, one of the reasons I stalk you is because you’re pretty prolific (unlike some Other bloggers whom I will refrain from naming), well that in addition to you making me laugh (I only stalk funny people), but now, now it’s different. This post, and all the stories it contained summed up a perfect comedy routine. And you did it all without being mean to anyone, which is no small feat.

Just so you know… I would have peed myself with joy if you had accepted your award in the panda suit. Perhaps a little stage make-up to make you look like a werepanda… Because Werepandas are totally more badass than werewolves.

I’m so sorry you haven’t slept in two days *and* I’m sorry about the taxidermied pig. Having said that, and established that I am a really, really nice person, I have to say that the link you have for Nathan Fillion has the WORST picture of him in the little preview thing. Some people might go, ugh, why? Although, it’s not really your fault so much as wiki’s. Way to go, wiki.

I volunteer to take the picture of Nathan Fillion with his twine. I promise you, I will get a sexy picture, even if I have to tie him up with the twine to get it. I’m willing to sacrifice for my art, and for you, Jenni. Because I heart you.

If the money must go for something stupid, per your Unique Selling Proposition to obtain it, I have to wonder — what’s the going rate for very dull-witted pug puppies these days? Because I’m still with Hailey on that.

I managed to download a virus to my home computer, so I haven’t seen your site in several days. Missed out on sending the 11 cents, but if you need more to get Nathan Fillion to agree to the sexy picture with twine, please post and I will find a way to get my computer working so I can donate through paypal. I’m also going to keep having to sneak on at work daily so that I don’t miss seeing Nathan’s picture. Because I am assuming that he’ll be sending it to you soon.

Wil Wheaton mentioned you last night during his show with Paul and Storm here in LA. I think everyone in the audience must read The Bloggess and we all appreciate you so much. Sorry to hear your Shorty award went kaput, but you do have great taste in writers (yes, Neil, I am talking about you).

My boyfriend totally called it. I told him that I’d just paypalled you 11 cents for something stupid and he wondered if you were going to use the money to buy (now, I want you to imagine this in the sexist educated-South-Londoner accent OF ALL TIME) “another inappropriate stuffed animal.”

But I have to say, Nathan Fillion is an excellent second choice. I admire your commitment to the community.

So, Hannah the Drunken Pianist is adorable, but why is she in a “double strength glass front”? If she might be trying to make an escape, perhaps you should think harder about this.

I’m not a celebrity nor a taximdermied squirrel (yet!) but I have a dress kind of like Hannah’s and, considering how I play piano, being drunken is not a stretch, so I could send you a picture replicating the scene. I could wear a squirrel mask, although I don’t have one. I do have a mask my daughter wore when she was an African Wild Dog for Halloween. Really, I don’t think that many people would notice the difference.

Maybe you could do a “The Stars Are Just Like Us!” feature, except it would be more like “We Are Just Like The Stars (in The Bloggess’s mind),” although that’s probably confusing. But what else is new. However … free!

Thanks again for making me laugh when I feel like I’ll never laugh again. I’d say something clever about how brilliant you are, but I’m late for my hairdresser’s appointment (my husband just doesn’t understand: “You haven’t gotten out of bed in over a week and you’re going to the salon?” and yeah, he’s kind of gay, he uses words like “salon” in totally correct context, but I know you understand. A girl may be bent ass crazy but she’s gotta get her roots done, right?). Congrats on the much deserved award.

I had to go google Nathan Fillion and then I knew who he was and YES TWINE. Or string, or duct tape or maybe he should hold a pigmy goat while dressed as Scarlett O’Hara. It wouldn’t matter. No one will be looking at his props.

Is there an award for most-amazing-and-influencial-genius-interwebber-who-uses-her-elaborate-powers-for-good-*and*-hilarity-and-could-probably-save-slash-crush-the-world-if-she-really-wanted-to-even-in-the-case-of-the-zombie-apocolypse?

you know there are people that feel like spending .11 a day to feed a starving kid they’ll never meet…I’d rather send you .11 a day to get more photos of celebs doing nothing meaningful. awesome. totally f**king awesome.
oh yeah…about the award…what kind of sandwich won?

I seriously love you! I laughed out loud so hard at this post that my roommate thought I was having a conniption and came to check on me.
Now, if only I could get people to donate to fund my classroom. We don’t even have paper. It’s funny what people will spend money on.

This post is so very much like Twin Peaks. hell, there’s even an Amanda PALMER singing about David Lynch. Pygmy goats instead of backward a speaking dwarf. Little person. Whatever. And, dear Jenny reports to a cat…not too far a stretch from The Log Lady.

First time reader.
Slightly dazed and confused, but felt compelled to continue to read about your recent journey.
Your journey my dear is a tableau vivant of what must be your noisy mind.
This is a wonderful thing.
Needless to say you embrace it with vigour.
Can’t pass up your next escapades.

Oh, Jenny, my world is so much better with your blog in it. Don’t ever stop (blogging) and don’t ever become completely normal because that would totally suck and be boring, kind of like how John Cleese used to be hilarious and then he went through years of therapy and got rid of his neuroses and now he’s normal and stuff but boring. True story.

Wow, what a bonanza today! A detailed recap of last year’s Shorty fiasco and a total WIN for this year – Congrats! While I think Nathan Fillion is one hot hunk, the pygmy goats are ADORABLE. The video actually showed them gamboling! How cool is that? How many times have you actually seen a being (human or animal) gambol? That is the best. And, over time, you can post more videos of them gamboling over your neighbor’s property, so we could establish a, like, relationship with them virtually and give them birthday parties and Christmas presents and, maybe I like pygmy goats too much. Anyway, good luck with Nathan and/or the goats.
P.S. When is your book coming out?

Is it possible that this is more amusing when I’m incredibly sleep deprived? Not sure if that’s even legal.

Now… This is going to sound awful, but I started watching Castle just because I had heard rumours about there being large amounts of Joss Whedon easter eggs in the show. Now I am obsessed with Nathan Fillion and Castle.

If you pull this off, Jenny, you will make my entire life.

(and while I’m confessing things, when I read the comments, it’s sometimes just to find other bloggers who amuse me.)

Also, you’re a czar now… can’t you just make him send you the picture, possibly by threatening to sic the baby that attacked you on him? Or your army of babies? (You do have a baby army, right?) Then you can still buy whatever taxidermied animal in costume you want. Even a wolverine holding coffee and chapstick and wearing pantyhose.

Totally awesome…every single word. Congrats and good thinking! (This coming from a couple who snake whispered to The Bronx Zoo’s Cobra last night. By the way, she is going to Coney Island today. You could have totally gone to the award ceremony with The Bronx Zoo’s Cobra. That too, would have been awesome!)

Sexily, if possible? Is that meant to suggest that there’s something Nathan Fillion does that could ever possibly be done UN-sexily? Because if so, I think you’ve made a terrible mistake…and the only way to make up for it is to obtain and post a picture of Jerry Stiller in a gigantic egg carton. (I’d chip in 22 cents for that!)

Congratulations on your award, and you’re right – homeless people DO deserve trophies. Thank you for the excellent idea. I have a customer service trophy at home and I’ve been tired of dusting it and its illuminated display case, so I’m going to give it to the homeless guy under the bridge by my office. Maybe he can trade it for Boone’s Farm, or use the sharp acrylic edges to fend of predators who come after his sleeping bag.

If you go for the pygmy goats and promise to video tape them being adorable and possibly evil, I’ll send a $4.40 donation, thats right I’ll raise it times 10 the normal rate, thats how awesome the goat idea is.

If you get Nathan Fillion to take a picture of himself sexily holding twine, you are my new god. Well, goddess. The Bloggess Goddess. If we give you even more money can you get him to hold the twine in his Cap’n Mal uniform?

Wait! Not pigmy goats. You want fainting goats! Seriously. They are right up your alley. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch these guys. Kind of what I think I’d be like, if I were a goat. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_CdNPuJg

I stalked Nathan Fillion on twitter (although I was already following him because I want to have sex with him like most heterosexual women and homosexual men). I have decided he’s on vacation or something. He normally tweets like crazy and he’s tweeted once since this post and it was just a picture.

I feel sorry for all those old farts from “The Greatest Generation” because, ha, what did they have? Butter rations and those little triangle side-windows on their cars? BFD.

The greatest generation, my ass. We know it’s us, first inventing and then exploiting of the Internet for pure entertainment. All those old farts are crying in their oatmeal because they don’t know know what Alt-Tab means. They’re pathetic.

And we – the true greatest generation – are entertained. Mostly by the QUEEN of Internet drivel. Where do I send my 11 cents???

I’m having a weird moment of mourning that you cannot get the pig. I think you are the only person in the world who could realize its true potential. On a lighter note, Nathan Fillion is a totally acceptable back-up plan :)

If you get get a picture of Nathan Fillion sexily holding twine, I’ll put you on the list of people to get my organs when I die. I’ll even have the organ taxidermied into some bizarre pose, like a kidney making kidney pie at a tiny stove. Cannibal kidney! YAY!

I might have that done anyway, because it sounds pretty funny and would be a fitting memorial.

I am SHOCKED at your change in fiber choice for the Nathan Fillion picture request. However, this could work since I’ve already offered to knit Fillion a pair of tits. In doing so, I asked him for some help in determining cup size required for a handful, suggesting that he send a picture of himself holding something relative, like a ball of twine.

Either he’ll send the requested picture to get the tits, or he can send a picture holding the tits, grinning happily (sorry maybe not so sexily as you desired) at having them.

I really need to stop offering up my tits. I’ve offered 50 Cent a pair, as well as a glow-in-the-dark purple penis chapstick holder, in an attempt to get him to put on a dress and sing, “10 Cents a Dance.” I know he’d be so pretty in drag and am getting a lot of mileage out of just imagining him singing, “Sometimes I think I’ve found my hero, but it’s a queer romance.”

I found the perfect store for you! The Evolution Store in NYC, but you can order online. http://theevolutionstore.com/store/mammals
They have just plain squirrels for under $400 and then you can put it into any scene you want! You can even change up the scenes for the holidays…squirrel pilgrim, squirrel nativity scene, squirrel easter bunny, so many possibilities!

I came home with pigmy goats once. My husband at the time wasn’t happy and told me that I had to get rid of them. We lived in the burbs. Apparently you’re not allowed pigmy goats in the burbs. I think that’s racist. I got rid of the goats and the husband. I still miss the goats.

Would Nathan Fillion holding twine really hold up against Wil Wheaton collating paper? I mean, Wil looks so proud of himself in his picture.. like “Shit, that’s some damn fine collating, son.”

On the other hand, I’ve gained a new level of respect for Alyssa Milano, which in effect means I now respect Alyssa Milano, because that IS damn classy. Not that I didn’t respect her before, but I will be honest, I was pretty ambivalent on the Alyssa Milano front.

I’m really just commenting so my last blog posts title will show up, because I’m rather proud of it, and because I pimped you and the Wil Wheaton scenario in my last post. Cheers.

Apparently I live under a effin’ rock! First with the Will Wheaton. Then Nathan Fillion. I have NO IDEA who these people are!!! I googled both of them. Nathan – you *kinda* look familiar. Will? Sorry….no idea – but you are kinda cute – in a very young kind of way……

I understand, oh, maybe 30% of this post, yet still found it funny (problem lies, I hope, in the cultural references specific to the US that I don’t get, rather than my obtuseness. Maybe).
I’m not sure if this means that I have a desperate need to be in the cool group and so will laugh at anything, or that you have an amazing ability to transcend international barriers.
Maybe a diplomacy award will be next?

How do i send you .11 cents lol, I don’t understand twitter lol I just signed up specifically so I could follow you as you make me powerlaugh on a daily basis and I frequently read you while at work and try desperately not to be the crazy girl laughing at her desk….I fail….frequently….so again keeping in mind how completely computer illiterate I am how can I send you my 11 cents …. Love ya
C,.

OK i was away for a few days [did you miss me???] and know i’m later than i usually am to this party, but i have to say that shit like THIS is why i would send you .11 a day every day if you asked me to. it would be kind of like supporting NPR but you probably wouldn’t have all those annoying fund drives. or if you did, you would have special member-only content for the people who already give you .11 a day, like i always dream NPR will do. (it’s good to dream, right?)

All I can say is FM (Fuckin’ Mazing) I don’t even know which blog I read but my brain was spinning with one, OMG Really, after another. Glad I found this one but I’m new to blogging and don’t really know how to keep up with you except coming back to the URL….

I want pygmy goats. Any chance that I am your neighbor? I was looking out at my jungle of a backyard last weekend and thought that my life would be a lot better if there were goats to deal with this shit. My friend, Laura, even took a photo of some lovely pygmy goats at the spring fair. I encouraged her to smuggle one out in her purse, but it apparently didn’t work out. To be honest, I don’t even think she tried. If you wanted to buy some pygmy goats and have them live in lovely Tacoma, you could stay in the guest room any time you wanted to visit. How’s _that_ for an offer?

Well, if you haven’ slept in a couple of days, Jenny, maybe you should NOT have a read about a horrible triple murder I covered in Waco 30 years go. Yeah, that’s probably a very bad idea. But that’s what rattled out of my brain today, so possibly the universe is at least tangentially involved.

In any case, congratulations on your upward trajectory into literary icondom. I expect you to be on the A List for North Korea’s Kim Jong ‘Big’ Un. If he invites you anywhere, you should go. Say what you will about short North Korean madmen, but I’d place a large bet that Big Un would respect the shit out of a white big-chested woman wearing a Wolf. This could be the breakthrough the United Nation needs.