Sexual Abuse as a child

Category Archives: Child Sexual Abuse

In so many areas of my life, I have done things only to please someone else and have left myself feeling so empty inside. Either the person I was trying to please, eventually left or betrayed me, or they stopped aprrecitating my efforts all together. Years of living and gaining wisdom, has led me to the thoughts I have today, if you don’t like me for me, then to hell with you. Plain and simple. It’s unreal that it took me 47 years to figure that out. I owe no one anything, but my God!!! I will be curteous, and try to put others feelings at a very high level, but I will never be a door mat again. I need to love myself, if someone close to me doesn’t understand that then they are the ones with the issue. I HAVE to value myself to live a life worth living.

How many times in your own life, have you laid awake at night wondering what someone else thought of you? Whether it be, something you said, the way you looked, or something another person said to you. I can’t do it anymore! It was wearing me out and driving me insane. Don’t wear this, they’ll look down on you. Oh crap, better not post that on Facebook, someone will think I’m horrible, or don’t buy that bottle of wine there, too many will see me and think I’m a drunk. No, not happening Ever again. I know, what God tells me, you don’t. If you look down on me for something, well, that’s your own self loathing not mine. With me; what you see is what you get. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I am self maintained for the most part and I don’t need someone else’s approval.

I am a grown ass woman that has feelings and needs. And I don’t need fake, judgemental people around me at all. I won’t have anyone around me like that. Life is too short to look for approval from people that wouldn’t give a plug nickle if I fell off of the face of the earth right now. So, if you don’t like what I have blogged, or posted, Please unfollow me and forget you ever saw my name, because I probably don’t even know yours.

Summertime should be a time of fun and laughter. Not usually for me or my family. It gets so hot in ILLINOIS, that my husband to whom works outside all day on barges, gets absolutely exhausted and I worry about him. I have PTSD, from sexual abuse, and summertime is worse for flashbacks, because that’s when a lot of it happened. My oldest daughter has health issues, and it seems that when she should be enjoying the sun, she has to go through another surgery. My youngest daughter, well, she’s young and trying to survive in our horrible economy.

In the past, I wouldn’t be able to function hardly at all. I wouldn’t get up early and exercise, I would mope around unable to smile. Since, it doesn’t get any easier, I’ve learned to cope. Not pretend troubles don’t happen, just realize that life wasn’t intended to be easy, it was intended for you to look at the glass half full. I now look at my husband, my daughters and my granddaughter, and tell myself to keep fighting. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Life is what you make of it. Sure, I get aggravated and angry at times, cry, yell at the idiot driver next to me. That doesn’t mean my life sucks, it means that life is life. You go through the shit, and keep trudging on.

Another thing, since I am almost 48 years old in September, I will no longer try to please everyone, and change myself to do it. I am me, take me or leave me. I will speak my mind. Hopefully I remember to do it with respect, but I am not going to take any crap off of anyone. I was a door mat for a long time, not any more.

Be true to you. Be respectful and loving. Help when your able. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, and don’t let anyone change you or your personality. God made you unique, and He didn’t mean for anyone to change you!!!!

Do you ever wonder why it took you so long to get where you’re at? I mean, from the time I was in grade school on up, I knew I only wanted to be a wife and mother, but because I let other people and their opinions influence me. I made too many crazy stops, before I got to my current destination as wife, mom and now, Mi Mi.

I never wanted a “career”, but I had everyone in my ear telling me that I needed to go to college, I needed to make money, blah, blah, blah, blah….. No I didn’t!! I was always the type that loved to be around family and I loved being creative. I loved to write, sing and draw. If everyone had left me alone and let me follow my dreams, it might not have taken so long for me to finally be happy. Yes, I have a mental illness, oh dang, I SAID IT!!! I’m mentally ill. How dare you if you just thought of the word crazy! It doesn’t mean that I’m crazy. It just means my ailment isn’t physical. I was born with parts of my illness, but others developed from traumas that happened in my life. Everyone would be happier if they would just admit it and get help, instead of blaming everyone else. Any way, as I was saying, I knew what I wanted. I should’ve told everyone else to take a flying leap, but I didn’t, so, it took a long time and a lot of heartache because I let other people run my life.

If your kids aren’t killing themselves, they’re respectful, appreciative, then leave them alone to follow their dreams instead of telling them to follow YOUR dreams. A lot of people that are going to college or have already been, have spent a lot of money on an education, yet they still don’t have a job or they’re unhappy. College doesn’t fix unhappiness.

Sometimes I feel like congratulating parents on making their kids feel miserable and inadequate.

Just because you didn’t do what you think you should’ve when you had the chance, now you project your unhappiness onto your own children. Tell your kids that you love them and want to support them in anything they would like to accomplish. Even if you don’t have the money, be their moral support. Then maybe it won’t take 30+ years to realize they’re finally doing what they always wanted to do, and they will have a great relationship with you by their side!

It has been a long time since I have blogged, sorry for being MIA. It has been a crazy summer, fall and now winter. My daughter was so sick for a while, but thank the Lord above, she is doing better. My youngest hasn’t had it easy either with her schooling and work load. Life goes on, and even through the hardest times, there is always a ray of sunshine.

This Christmas was extra special because of my granddaughter, Isla. It was relaxing and fun for all of us. She was so cute opening her first presents. She liked the tissue paper more than the toys.

I am only able to enjoy Christmases, and any holiday because of counseling and medicine. I used to stress so much, that I was irritable, mean, hateful, and also sad. Now, I am relaxed, excited, and content. What I am saying is, don’t think that you can recover from any childhood traumas on your own. Go to counseling, go to a psychiatrist. Don’t live your life in misery. It’s not worth living a miserable life, because you have too much pride to let someone else help. Trust me, you will cherish the happy times you will have once you start leaving your problems with someone else, and it needs to be a neutral professional. That along with my faith in Jesus Christ has helped me in so many ways, that my attitude compared to, 1990 to the present, looks like a miracle.

I must clarify, my blog yesterday was NOT a cry for help. It was a blog representing a point of view from a depressed individual or sexual abuse victims feelings. A point of view I used to have and many still have. If you have felt like the example in yesterday’s post, get help. Talk to someone.

I am a very happy moma, and Mi Mi. I attribute it to God, my husband and my children. I love life, love living, and live it to the fullest. You should too. Read Forgiveness Not Permission by Beth Kozine, available on Amazon.

We experience pain of many different kinds in life as children and adults. Some are physical and some are mental, some are both. I mean, traumatic experiences that make us so stressed and messed up that our bodies reject a normal existence. Our bodies can die from the inside out. In other words, my mind sees what I’ve experienced in real time, but it wants to reject it, so, it fights against me. My stomach hurts, I have headaches, my heart beats too fast and I feel like I will puke. I can’t sleep, I either eat too much or I can’t eat at all. I want to stare into space and everyone leave me alone, but, I can’t. I have a house and family to take care of. What should I do? I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE!!!! I choose to live, but, please someone understand and help me.

I cry. I wait until I’m alone, and then, I fall to pieces. There is only a choice few that understand what I feel and are sympathetic to me. I cry. Please someone help me. Take away the anxiety that plagues my mind and heart. Doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, medicine. Why can’t I just be normal? Wait, what is normal? I have never seen normal, I don’t think there is a normal life. I am sympathetic to others, yet, I am so angry. I’m hurt, defiled, and tainted. I grew up too fast. No one understands that or me. I think I will just stare into space and pretend no one is around me, I don’t exist.

I used to worry on a daily basis, for example, I feel like I will die at an early age, or something is going to take my happiness away. Every ache and pain I had was the end of the world, then, I started counseling and depression meds, I found out the root of my negativity. Part the sexual abuse, part genetics. My father, from what I understand had emotional issues, I mean my biological father. A person can hear so many horror stories, that if you already have emotional problems, anxiety, and depression, every little thing you go through feels like the end of the world. After years of meds and counseling, plus my age, I am finally learning to take life as it comes, one day at a time. I mean, really, what can you do about sicknesses, or someone’s bad decisions? Nothing, you pray, put it in God’s hands and count every good day, blessing and calm hour. I have learned this the hard way. In my 20’s and early 30’s, I borrowed trouble, waiting for the next shoe to drop. That’s no way to live. I can’t and won’t do it any more. It’s time to live, enjoy life and enjoy my kids and my grand baby.

Let it go, stop worrying, relax and take a day at a time. you’ll feel so much better.