What did large hadrons ever do to you?

If you woke up to read this, and are not currently being ripped apart by the tidal forces of a black hole, congratulations Earth! We made it!

Looks like we have until November 4th when the crushing weight of America’s small town values combined with the energy released from the detonation of our nuclear arsenal will collapse the Earth past its Schwarzschild radius and send us to a reality where things actually make sense.