On this, the eve of the Inauguration of a man who will have to comb the lint of Putin’s pocket out of his hair weave before taking the oath of office as President of the United States, it occurs to us to engage in quiet thought and contemplation, even prayer if one is so inclined, as anyone looking forward to four years of chaos and disintegration should.

But no one wants to read that depressing stuff, so here’s a list of the Top Ten People Definitely Less Qualified to be President than Trump, done in Sports Illustrated Power Rankings style.

10. Bernie Madoff: 77-year-old Ponzi schemer who bilked elderly investors out of millions and is currently serving a 150-year prison sentence in New York. Sure, he caused his kid to commit suicide, and even his own family won’t visit him while he waits to die behind bars, but at least he expressed regret at his actions, something Trump has never done to anybody he’s ever shortchanged or insulted or whose privates he has ever grabbed. So maybe it’s a little neck-and-neck between Madoff and Trump. That’s why he’s only at #10.

9. JOSEPH VALLERO: Gambino crime family associate currently in the Witness Protection Program. Vallero’s testimony put several members of the Gambino organization behind bars, so he is on record as telling the truth about something at least once, which is more than Trump can say. But you can’t be President from an undisclosed location, so Vallero a nice fit at #9.

8. LANCE ARMSTRONG: Built an enormous brazen empire based on cheating even though constantly rumored to be cheating all the time, so a page right out of the Trump playbook. Has one less testicle, though. This deficiency has him slotted at #8.

7. EL CHAPO GUZMAN: The Mexican drug lord will be extradited to the United States well in front of the next primary season, and may be planning to hit the ground running, as his history of becoming a billionaire from scratch may be more inspiring to some than Trump’s getting handed a real estate empire by his dad. Has escaped from prison exactly as many times as Trump has been married. Is a guy with a Spanish surname who was born in a foreign country, so equally qualified to be President as Ted Cruz. Bound to be some “birthers” out there howling about an international murderer running for the White House, though, so putting him at #7 makes sense.

6. BARRY BONDS: Lies with a straight face as well as Kellyanne Conway, in his case about using steroids while he smashed Babe Ruth’s record for lifetime homers. That ought to sit well with Trump voters. Unfortunately for his prospects, he’s black, which won’t, leaving him dead in the water at #6.

5. MICHELLE BACHMANN: Has America forgotten this lady of unique lunacy, who once declaimed The Lion King as gay propaganda? The fact that she would start WW III just to see if Jesus’s face would appear in the mushroom clouds makes her marginally more dangerous than Trump, who would only start Armageddon if it would help his ratings. #5 with a bullet.

4. MAMA JUNE: Lost reality TV show when it was found out she was dating a child molester. Never dated Trump, who has only been accused of being a child molester. Clear advantage in Presidentialness to Trump. Nice try, Mama, but you end up at #4.

3. AARON HERNANDEZ: Former New England Patriot tight end convicted of murder. When the world is handed to you on a platter, it’s probably not smart to act out your inner thug fantasies thoroughly enough to get socked away in the Big House. Trump has never done this, although I’m sure he’s been tempted. You didn’t win or place, but you showed, Aaron. Keep it real. And keep your shivs sharp, my niggah. You’re scheduled for parole in exactly never.

2. A PERSONAL ACQUAINTANCE OF MINE WHO IS A PRIVATE CITIZEN: Can’t mention his name here, but made himself memorable to all because he had borderline personality disorder, suffered from obvious alcoholism and used steroids to boot. He once forgot where he hid $1000 in cash because he had a habit of concealing things from himself during binge-drinking episodes. Didn’t find it until two years later, when he was cleaning out his house while getting ready to move and opened a book he had somehow acquired. It was apparently the second time he had opened any book in his life, the first being when he had stashed the cash inside. We are virtually certain Trump has at least opened his own book, and are willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that it was more than twice. Otherwise, dead even. You’re at #2, bro. Congrats, and better luck in rehab this time.

AND THE NUMBER ONE PERSON LESS QUALIFIED TO BE PRESIDENT THAN TRUMP: MIKE PENCE! Where else can a moon-eyed, middlebrow Indiana boy with a passion for telling other people what they can and cannot do with their pants off put himself only a heartbeat away from the Presidency? Only in America. Ask Dan Quayle if you don’t believe us here, but unlike Quayle, who would have had to rely on Bush I’s heart (currently just now trying to give out before HW has to live to see Trump sworn in) to stop in order to claim the Oval Office, Pence will become President the moment Trump is forced from the job. Which he will be, as soon as all the Republicans he insulted on his way to the top get a few more memos from the FBI. Not only are you #1, Mike, but just stay away from Russian hookers and Alec Baldwin, and you will be America’s First Person in time for the State of the Union, 2018.

The world-shaking news that Donald Trump employed several Russian prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed that President Obama and his wife once slept on in Moscow has roiled the waters of international diplomacy, but has also prompted a sea change in the attitude of the entertainment industry towards the President-elect.

Previously Hollywood had disdained the impending Administration, as evinced by Meryl Streep’s critical comments concerning Trump while she accepted yet another award at yet another awards show the other night. Many in Hollywood have said, publically and privately, that almost any out-of-work actor, “even Nick Cage,” or possibly “one of Pitt and Jolie’s frigging adopted Cambodian orphans” would make a better President than Trump. Now Streep is the first to volunteer to help Trump feel more comfortable in the White House by offering to urinate between his sheets if that would help Trump unwind after a long day steering the ship of state.

“I’ll do it as my serene, eloquent self or, if the President wishes, I’ll use my world-class acting talent to play a coked-out Eastern European prostitute whose inevitable fate is to executed by the GRU as soon as the President gets his rocks off. I’ll even bring my own wine, to make the performance linger,” said Streep.

Not to be outdone, sultry songstress, icon of bootyliciousness and Grammy award winner Beyoncé chimed in, “Hell yes, where do I sign up for that? I’ll even get outside of a 24-cube of PBR beforehand. It’ll be a show the dude will never forget.”

Snotty hottie Taylor Swift also let it be known she would be available to micturate in the Presidential bedchamber, but only if she could urinate on Trump’s person. “I’ll even sing Shake It Off while I'm tinkling on him,” she said eagerly.

As of this writing, no one from Trump’s team has responded to requests for comment.

The Trump train is rolling towards Inauguration Day, and people are jumping on and off of it at a frantic pace. But its most steadfast passenger besides Putin is Julian Assange, head honcho at WikiLeaks, which published all those leaks that led to the drip-drip of Democratic defeat, and harbingered the rise of President Cheezit.

Here we are speaking metaphorically, of course, because Assange has lived in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, reportedly in a Harry Potter-like hole under the stairs, for the last several years, to avoid being tried on rape charges in Sweden despite the fact that the punishment for rape in Sweden is only a severe spanking. You would think he might be resentful of the Donald, who has by his own admission has committed sexual assault many times but still gets to move into the White House, but Assange has nothing but comradely affection for Trump, and pledged on Hannity that Russia had zip to do with the hacks that sealed Hillary’s doom.

This despite the fact that WikiLeaks is actually set up so they don’t know where their leaks come from. Anybody from the Chinese secret service to the Tooth Fairy can tip them off, and they would have no idea who sent them their latest batch of sordid emails. But Assange is probably bored with life in the Ecuadorian Embassy, and they are certainly bored of him, calling him “El violador con la pequeña polla”* behind his back and threatening to make him shear llamas in lieu of rent. So, it’s a nice break for Assange to get on Hannity and spout off nonsense, and it also relieves some of the pressure on Hannity to spout off all the nonsense himself.

Less content with his spot on the Trump bandwagon is General James “Mad Dog” Mattis, the future Secretary of Defense. Mad Dog, who presumably got his name by sitting in a bunker ordering people killed from afar with more verve and enthusiasm than generals not nicknamed after rabid mammals, is unhappy with Agent Orange for selecting somebody for the position of Secretary of the Army named Vincent Viola, whose chief qualification for the office is owning a hockey team. Mattis apparently feels that Viola knows nearly as much about being Secretary of the Army as any random sous-chef at Mar el Largo.

Americans who loved Trump for his promise to build a “great big beautiful wall” on our border with Mexico are uneasy at the prospect of being forced to pay for it and getting Mexico to cough up for the bill later, especially in view of former Mexican President Vincente Fox Tweeting, “We ain’t gonna pay for no fucken wall,” to which Team Trump only responded by criticizing Fox’s spelling of the English adjective “fucking.” The likelihood of Mexico paying for the wall is considered greater than the likelihood that Trump will ever pay any taxes at all, however.

And Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was never really on the Trump train to begin with, is definitely off for good after Trump blasted him on Twitter for his low ratings on the new Celebrity Apprentice, which Trump still makes money from. Arnold, who Trump probably does not think has a better body, personality and hair style than he does, did not respond by saying many people are not watching “Celebrity Apprentice” because they don’t want to finance Trump, and many other people don’t watch it because it is a pointless waste of the precious minutes of their lives.

Schwarzenegger responded by urging Trump to channel his inner Lincoln. Silly Arnold. President-elect Cheezit does not have an inner Lincoln.

​After starting the year with this big Up Yours to the 71 million Americans who voted against him on Twitter, what other steps is the new Administration going to take to implement Trump’s view of America, if indeed he has one?

Spin maven Kellyanne Conway, always the first to step up to the plate to field the hardball questions, replied to this one smoothly.

“The phenomena that is the Trump victory can be explained by one thing. Americans were tired of the stalemate in Washington between Democrats, and their vision of a government that works for the American people, and the Republicans, with their vision of a government that works for the people who donate money to their campaigns. Trump blew both of those ideas out of the water, and now the American government is going to work for Trump.”

But not really anybody else?

“That is not Trump’s problem. Look at the cabinet he’s assembling! Rick Perry for the Energy Department!”

Rick Perry once said he wanted to abolish the Energy Department. Actually, he said he couldn't remember wanting to abolish the Energy Department.

“And now he can’t, whether he remembers to or not! What’s he going to do, go back to Dancing with the Stars? Stroke of genius! And what about Ben Carson at HUD?”​Tell me again how he’s qualified for that job?

“He’s a black guy. We had to have one. He’s the only black guy the Boss knows, besides Don King. We’re still trying to find a spot for King, by the way. The only man with a stranger haircut than the Donald’s is going to have a prominent place in the Trump Administration.”

Supreme Court, maybe?

“I’m pretty sure the Boss knows there’s already a black guy there, so probably not. But somewhere. The President-elect loves having press conferences with King. His feeling is, any time you have a tough press conference, make it a co-conference with Don King. No matter how much sense you do not make, Don King will make less."

What about actual policies? What about Obamacare?

“We’re going to abolish Obamacare and replace it with something, or possibly nothing. Either way, it’s going to be unbelievably good.”

And draining the swamp? And building the wall?

“I think it’s obvious to everyone that when Mr. Trump was saying those things during the campaign he had his fingers crossed, but he was NOT lying his orange face off, as his enemies who are still bitter about winning the popular vote by millions but losing in the Electoral College HA HA like to say. Anyone who’s been following the appointment process must realize that the PEOTUS was sincere about draining the swamp. Just not right away. First, we’re going to air-condition the swamp, and maybe put in some Jacuzzis and a clubhouse. Mexico is still refusing to pay for the wall, so we’re making the process more competitive by inviting bids by other nations. If Canada, Abu Dhabi or Cambodia wants to pay for the wall, we’ll have one.

“In foreign policy, we’re going to have an arms race with Russia, but it’s going to be a friendly one, kind of like a side bet on a golf game, only for trillions of dollars.”

It actually doesn’t sound like you have any idea of what you’re going to do at all. Do you really think that American voters were so sick of political stalemate they really wanted an astonishing clusterfuck instead?​‘I’m going to turn that question over to my friend, Don King.”

“That peckerhead. I had nothing to do with Trump getting elected. It’s caused Me all kinds of grief already. With Trump’s finger on the nuclear button, I have to really get serious about motivating Jesus to get back here and judge the living and the dead before Trump blows the place up, and that’s causing discord Up There. My Kid has been putting off His return for 20 centuries now. He has bad memories of the place. Claims He has PTSD from getting crucified.”

“Could be, huh?”

“Slacker. Whenever I mention the fact that there’s currently 7 billion plus souls to be judged nowadays, and the number ain’t getting smaller, He mutters ‘Intercourse those feces,’ and goes back to drinking wine and playing poker with the Apostles, using the souls of the faithful departed as chips. I need you to tell everybody that Franklin Graham is full of crap.”

“Why me, oh Lord? You know everything, so You must know that most of my readers are elderly alcoholics. From a demographic point of view, they suck. Why don’t you appear to Franklin Graham Yourself?”

“Because he would have a heart attack and die. I don’t need him up here, fawning all over Me. It’s creepy enough getting worshipped by him from afar.”

“You could send him to the Other Place.”

"Nope. Satan has evoked a clause in our contract to keep the Pit of Darkness free of any more money-grubbing American preacher types until at least 2020. He’s sick of them, too. Why do you think Pat Robertson is still alive? What is he, 90?”

“Aren’t You supposed to know that?”

“I’m not a detail Guy, which should be plenty obvious to anyone who’s taken a careful look at My work. That’s how Trump slipped in. I was tinkering with a couple of quasars, you know, routine Supreme Being stuff, during the election year, and the polls all had Hillary winning, so I just back-burnered the whole Trump question. I was as surprised as anyone else.”

‘It’s not too late to fix it, My Lord. He’s a seventy-year old guy living on cheeseburgers and Viagra. You could call his number and nobody would be surprised. Grant him eternal peace before the Inauguration. I hear he even went to church on Christmas Eve.”

“Yeah, but all he prayed for was the chance to have sex with Ivanka without anybody finding out, including Ivanka. It's his usual prayer. I whispered in his ear, ‘Why ask Me? You already know Bill Cosby."

“Trump in Heaven? NO, and I mean one of My great big I’m-going-to-kill-all-your-firstborn sons NO'S! You think I want to issue chastity belts to all the Cherubim to keep Trump’s fingers off of them? And Satan’s already put the kibosh on letting Trump into Hell. No, he’s going to live until we’ve constructed a special eternal existence for him. We’ve already broken the ground for it. We’re calling it the Trump Towering Inferno.”

President-elect Trump is facing his first crisis—no one wants to play at his inaugural ball. Even Kid Rock, a vocal Trump supporter, and the couple of guys left alive in Lynyrd Skynyrd are hesitating to share the stage with Trump, while actual A-list performers such as Beyoncé, Elton John and Celine Dion apparently all have dental appointments on Inauguration Day. In the word coined by Trump, it’s unpresidented.

The Sweetheart of Spin, Kellyanne Conway, insisted that Trump was fine with that. “The Donald nixed John, Dion and Beyoncé himself. Elton John is gay, Beyoncé is black and Celine Dion is Canadian. The boss just exploded when he heard that they had even been asked. The Trump Inauguration is not going to be some sickening celebration of diversity."

But somebody has to play. Who?

"Get your libtard head out of the sand. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, that’s who. After they sing a couple of their standards, like ‘America the Beautiful’ and ‘The Battle Hymn of the Republic,’ they’re going to get funky. They’ve been practicing ‘All About That Bass,’ and ‘One Dance’ ever since they landed the gig. You haven’t heard real music until you've heard 360 dulcet Mormon voices singing ‘Back That Ass Up."

And that’s the whole show?

“Not by far. The President’s main bro, Vladimir Putin, with whom he is going to have great relations and also an arms race, has his back. He’s going to let Pussy Riot out of prison again on the condition that they grace the stage in DC. The Beach Boys may perform, but they may not—they admitted some more of them plan to be dead by January 20th."

But who is going to headline?​“One of the best-known names in the entertainment industry—Ted Nugent!”

Ted is well-known, I admit, but more for being investigated by the Secret Service and machine-gunning pigs from the air in Texas than for his music. He hasn’t put more than 500 people in their seats for a concert since 1979.

“All that’s going to change. He’s got a new band and a new style. ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ is going to be the new national anthem when he plays it in DC is what he promises us. He’s written a rap version of his biggest hit, and renamed it (Grab That) Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.”

Ted is going to rap?

“You betcha. And I guarantee he can rap better than the vast majority of white guys in their sixties. The crowd is going to be spellbound.”​Are you sure? Traditionalists may prefer the older version.

“Wang Dang Sweet Poontang is still an unblushing ode to vagina, for which Ted and the President-elect share a common affection."

Yeah, and they dodged the draft together in the ‘60’s , too.

“Hah, hah. Enjoy saying that while it’s still legal is my advice.”

Did you have to give Ted an ambassadorship to get him to play?​“Naw. Just a couple of old artillery pieces. Those pigs in Texas are in for a big surprise.”

The belief that Donald Trump, when he finally gobbles up the Cheeseburger of Doom that inevitably awaits him, will merely cease to exist as a conscious entity, is causing many members of the rationalist community to re-think their non-theist ways.

“It’s easy to think of your average human as merely losing their sentience at the moment of death,” explained an acquaintance whose non-belief had been shaken. “Even an ex-spouse, or that neighbor you had that let his dog bark all night—it’s relatively simple to resign yourself to an eternity of non-existence for them, even though you may have fantasized about unending torment for them in the past. But I am so attracted to the idea that Trump is going to Hell I find myself gazing longingly at church spires and being jealous of those within, with their simple, irrational certainty that the President-elect will get the sensational ass-roasting that he truly deserves when Lucifer gets custody of his soul.

“It’s even worse when I start imagining punishments for him, like Satan giving Trump a pussy and letting Rosie O’Donnell grab it for all eternity. Even if I converted, I realize I might not go to Heaven—I am aware that most religious people think that most other religious people are going to Hell, anyway, and I might easily fall into that group. But even when I’m Down There, I figure that me and most of the average condemned souls will get at least an occasional opportunity to stand above the Lowest Circle and kick cinders into Donald Trump’s hair.

“I’m not alone…it’s been especially difficult for my kids. It’s tough for them to stay silent when the religious kids openly brag about Trump eventually getting eviscerated every day and then having Taco Bell Extra Fire Sauce poured into his open abdominal cavity, when we've taught our kids he’ll just get cold and shut up. I try to tell them that would be good enough, and in fact an immense relief to everybody who lives to see it, but I’m not sure they believe me. I’m just bracing for the day when one of them comes out to me and the wife and says those words no rationalist parent wants to hear, “Mom, Dad…I think I might be an Episcopalian.”

“Even some religious people are questioning their faith now that Trump is going to be President. I have a friend who is a Buddhist, and he can’t begin to imagine a reincarnation that’s low and nasty enough for Trump. Even Trump as an intestinal parasite, and I mean an intestinal parasite in a dung beetle, or an infinite cycle of Trump being an insect getting squashed on a windshield seem an insufficient punishment for the life he’s led for my friend. He’s thinking about becoming a Baptist.”

Really? Give up all that Eastern serenity just so he can mean it when he sings “Jesus, Take The Wheel” at karaoke bars?

More legal troubles loom for President-elect Donald Trump, as rumors fly that he is about to be sued by Hell for reneging on the deal that made him President.

A spokesman for the Pit of Everlasting Torment agreed to speak to this column, but only on the record if given a golden chalice filled with the blood of an unbaptized boy. When told this was not possible, he insisted on anonymity.

“Obviously, Trump realized long ago he could never become President if he didn’t make a deal with Satan, or as we call Him Down Below, the Boss. At first the Boss was cool to the deal. Trump was a natural for Hell anyway—lying about being rich, cheating his partners, running a fake real estate school, grabbing pussy and bragging about it to other people who are definitely going to Hell, like Billy Bush. The Boss thought, why bother dealing with this guy? I’ll be able to carve “Trump” in his back with a hot pitchfork every day for all eternity, even if I sit on my hands.

“But Trump can be very persistent. He threatened to clean up his act, give his money away and wear boxing gloves at all times to keep himself from finger-sampling the girls. He even said he might even become a Catholic. Nothing pisses the Boss off more than the Catholics, although no one knows why—it’s not like He doesn’t have a whole collection of Popes already.

“So Satan and Trump shook on it, and Satan even threw in Melania as part of the deal, although he insisted on a clause that made Him Barron’s real father. Trump promptly starts pushing the envelope on the agreement. All that campaign stuff, starting with calling Mexicans rapists and John McCain a pansy, making fun of the crippled guy, accusing Megan Kelly of menstruating on stage—all that was way beyond the pale. It’s like Trump was laughing at the Boss, knowing that He had to make Trump President anyway. Believe me, the Boss was counting the minutes until Trump showed up Down Here, even as He conjured up thousands of zombie voters in Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin to push Trump over the top.

“As soon as he won, Trump started whining. He said he didn’t owe Satan anything, because he only won in the Electoral College, while he lost the popular vote by millions. Satan pointed out that the Electoral College was His idea in the first place—He had whispered it in Hamilton’s ear back in 1786.

“Then Trump claimed he didn’t actually have ownership of the property in question. First he said he lost it in one of his bankruptcies, but when he couldn't prove that, he claimed he had forgotten that he had back-leased it to his son, Donald Jr., on a Christmas years ago, when everybody noticed young Donald didn’t have a soul of his own, after the boy had chewed up a litter of puppy Pomeranians he had been given as a present. When Satan called him out for making a bad-faith deal, Trump said he would settle for weekends Down Below, while he spent weekdays at Mar el Largo, wearing a literal Ankle Monitor from Hell, so he couldn’t sneak away and golf with Vladimir Putin.

“Satan pointed out that he and Putin could soon spend all the time together that they wanted, for all eternity. They could even enjoy their daily filleting by imps together, if they really wanted to bro it up in the Pit of Darkness. But you can tell His heart isn’t in it. We’re all afraid that He, like every contractor who ever put up a mirror or a sink for one of Trump’s companies, is going to have to settle.”

Why on earth would the Prince of Darkness settle with Trump?​“Same old story. He’s afraid Trump will take over.”

​The Years of Trump are about to begin, and the leaking of names of future Cabinet appointees is already well underway. Wilbur Ross, Trump’s billionaire neighbor in Florida, and Betsy DeVos, another 13-figure net-worther, are in line to become Secretary of Commerce and Secretary of Education, respectively.

I contacted the Siren of Spin herself, Kellyanne Conway, and asked why billionaires are going to be in charge of shaping America for the next four years. Her reply was remarkably on point.

“Few people understand the problems of ordinary Americans like billionaires do,” she said. “Most people who reach billionairehood are thinking hard, deep and often about ordinary people, and how to make more money off of them. Many billionaires employ thousands of working Americans, regular Joes who learn to survive on sustenance wages and work overtime for free in order to hang on to the American dream, which billionaires inspire them by living.”

“Of course. Who better to bring good jobs back to America than the people who exported them in the first place?”

This guy, Wilbur Ross, the future Commerce Secretary, doesn’t seem to have much many more qualifications to be in the Cabinet other than being Trump’s neighbor.

“Well, that’s a funny story. Donald was playing golf with him one day, and Ross said, ‘If I make par on this hole, will you make me Commerce Secretary?’ Well, the President-elect said sure, why not? Damn if that duffer didn’t manage a par-4. My boss does not break promises to his billionaire friends, unlike regular people that contract with him or banks that lend him money, so Ross has Commerce.”

Betsy DeVos, on the other hand, the future Secretary of Education, has quite an extensive record on public education. She is firmly against it.

“Mr. Trump will be the School Voucher President. More people will be able to send their kids to private Christian schools, where they will learn that making abortion illegal again is far more important to America than them having Social Security or Medicare when they get old.”

“Hah! The Cubbies thought they were having a good year, until Mr. Trump came along. But you, like a typical member of the fraudulent liberal media, are ignoring Donald’s other, non-billionaire Cabinet picks. What about Dr. Ben Carson for Housing and Urban Development?”

He seems stunningly unqualified, to be honest with you.

“Nonsense. Carson knows plenty about housing. The man has lived indoors almost his whole life. Plus, it is important to Mr. Trump that he starts healing the terrible racial divide in this country that was caused by us having a black President. The first step is having a white President, which Mr. Trump will be proud to be, but the second step is showing that he is willing to work with black people, particularly black people like Dr. Carson, who agree with the white people who think that all of black people’s problems in this country are basically their own fault.”

Plus, he’s the only black guy Trump really knows.

“Nonsense. He knows Don King, too.”

Rumor has it that Mitt Romney might be Secretary of State.

“Naw. Mr. Trump is not going to let his most important Cabinet member be someone who has way better hair than him. When is Romney going to be Secretary of State? When he gets a frigging bowl cut, that’s when.”

​Now that the election’s surprise result has hit the fan and been thoroughly sprayed all over this great nation, it’s time to pick those who are going to benefit for the next four years. Knowing that most of you rely on this column for economic forecasting, we here are proud to bring you a list of sure-fire winners as the USA becomes the US of T for at least one term, or possibly just the next few months. Adjust your portfolios accordingly.

The elevation of alt-right poohbah and constant scruff face Steve Bannon to the right hand of Trump means UNSHAVEN GUYS WHO HATE JEWS can count on four years of prosperity. These men dismay Jews and razor blade companies, but to the rest of us, they’ve just become part of the American family.

WASHED-UP OLD FRAUDS THAT NOBODY WAS PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYMORE, like Rudy Giuliani and Newt Gingrich, people who peaked in the last century but as recently as last year couldn’t draw a crowd in a dog park even if they wrapped themselves in raw bacon are coming back big time. Steven Seagal, Rick Astley and Chumbawamba may be next.

Political correctness takes a major hit, as FRAT BOYS WHO THROW RACIST-THEMED PARTIES will rock out until at least 2020. You and your bros who want to wear serapes and sombreros while you pound shots of tequila into the sorority girls you are scheming to pull the panties off of once they are unconscious can do so without fear of criticism until graduation day.

CONTRACTORS WHO SPECIALIZE INTO TURNING PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINICS INTO 7-11’S are going to be big winners, needless to say, as are PEOPLE WHO ARE CURRENTLY SUING TRUMP. The business and the money are going to come rolling in for these groups. It’s bandwagon-jumping time for those of you who aren’t on board with either one.

ISIS—It’s been a bad couple of years for the caliphate, what with them slowly getting droned to death, but the anticipated increase in home-grown Muslims agitated by Trump giving ISIS credit for inspiring them to random mass murders should keep these Middle Eastern maniacs rolling in Facebook “likes” even as they get eliminated from their territory.

RUSSIA—Not since WW II has the Kremlin have such a friend in the White House. Putin’s on track to take back Eastern Europe, and he only has to promise to let Trump build a hotel in every capital for the US to step aside and let him do it. Trump Towers Budapest and Krakow are already on the drawing board.

WALL STREET—The elimination of regulations on the finance industry will mean they can embezzle whatever you have left in your IRA even faster and more completely, without fear of those big nasty fines they now occasionally have to pay.

BILLIONAIRES, JILLIONAIRES AND GAZILLIONAIRES—Paying lower taxes. Not lower taxes than Trump, though. You and me are not paying lower taxes than Trump. In fact, that’s why the man is foregoing the $400,000 or so the US pays its Commander-in-Chief.

He knew that once he filled out that W-9, he was going to have to start paying taxes. ​