Levi Johnston

Look out, world. Levi Johnston has spawned another child. Are we ready for this? We think not. TMZ is reporting that his new babymamma is Sunny Oglesby, a 20-year-old schoolteacher from his hometown of Wasilla, Alaska. You know who else is from there, right? Bristol Palin — his other babymamma. Levi’s not going to rest until he knocks up the entire town, is he?

The word from sources is that Sunny is currently not even three months pregnant and isn’t showing yet. You think the Palins will be there for the baby shower? We think not, since Sarah Palin isn’t exactly his biggest fan. Levi’s also been telling folks that they’ve made it very difficult for him to visit his and Bristol’s son, Tripp. Does anyone know if Levi pays any child support? Is he involved financially in his son’s life? Sunny should definitely be asking those questions right about now! And maybe should look into birth control for the future.

Just in case you live in Wasilla and were planning to get yourself the hell out because of this news, call off the moving vans. Levi Johnston is not running for Mayor. It was around this time last year that we spoke of Levi’s ambitions for candidacy. Also because he was planning a “docu-soap” around it, and his people even released a statement that read, “The docu-soap will follow the ever controversial, headline making, matinee idol handsome, father of one as he embarks on a run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.”

One of the many people who thought that was the worst idea since, well, dating Levi, was babymammaÃ‚Â Bristol Palin. She said, “It is an important position and I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t think he knows what he is getting himself into. He has to move to the city limits and get his GED before he can actually run. If he wants to continue his education, thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s great.” We don’t know if he’s planning any of those things because his attorney, Rex Butler, has said Levi is “too busy to run” in the upcoming election. Apparently, Johnston has a book and a tour planned next month. May we just repeat that again — “too busy to run”. We don’t even have any comebacks for that one, because it’s that ludicrous.

Levi Johnston was the most famous political baby-daddy in all the land for a while there (until John Edwards came in and stole his thunder, that rascal). Johnston’s relationship with Bristol Palin has been over for a while now and Bristol has been quietly dating an Alaskan pipeline worker for a few months, so you’d think Johnston should be un-famous by this point, but he just keep milking these fifteen minutes of fame.

Johnston just announced that he’s writing a tell-all book about the Palin family called Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs. Subtle! His publisher explains that it will be “a fascinating tale of a misunderstood boy figuring out how to be a man and a father after being thrust into the spotlight and subsequent media circus at a very young and vulnerable age.” When we think of a guy famous for having unprotected sex and also famous for posing in Playgirl, we don’t think “vulnerable” but that’s just us. Johnston himself says “I want to tell the truth about my close relationship with the Palins… my sense of Sarah, and my perplexing fall from grace.” Yeah, it’s real perplexing when your fall from grace comes after you become famous for having unprotected sex and for posing in Playgirl. Sorry, we’re a little hung up on that.

Still, no one moves books like Sarah Palin, whether you love her or you hate her, so it’s probably going to be a bestseller.

Obvious alert: Levi Johnston can’t keep it in his pants! But you already knew that, little Tripp Palin-Johnston is evidence of that fact. It’s just that Bristol Palin isn’t the only girl in Wasilla, Alaska that Levi persuaded to go on a bareback journey to ecstasy with. While he and Bristol were “on a break” a few months ago, Levi took up with one of his old girlfriends, Lanesia Garcia. Garcia became pregnant, but because this is Wasilla, meth capital of the U.S.A. and where trashy people wind up, Garcia isn’t sure if Levi is the baby’s father.

This saga could not get any better, no matter how much we want it to. No word on when and if a paternity test will be done, but we wonder, did Bristol and Levi hammer out that reality show yet? Because this could be some exciting television right there.

Levi Johnston is taking a break from being a responsible young man with steady employment and good impulse control to take a dip in Lake Terrible Decision. Just kidding! He does that on the daily.

The disaster-scape that is the future Mr. Palin-Johnston is now slated to star in a music video for R&B sensation unknown person Brittani Senser. Don’t recognize the name? Don’t worry. One day, all of humanity is going to unite in their shared lack of recognition of Brittani Senser, and the world with echo with a resounding “Who?” The way we would describe her might be: you know how your cousin’s girlfriend is always talking about starting her music career, but really she just works at the travel agency and goes to Karaoke Wednesdays at the Lobster Pot every week? Okay, and then imagine if Sarah Palin’s future son-in- law was starring in her video. It’s like that.

The best part is, not only will Levi hopefully be sliding down in slow motion down a stripper pole wearing a polar bear G-string (Senser, call us!We have a lot of ideas!) during his turn as video boy, but apparently the plot of the video is pretty much a documentary of his life. As “After Love,” Senser’s undoubtedly amazing ballad, plays, Levi will depict a heartbroken boyfriend driven from his lady love by her scheming mother.

Seriously, only Levi would expose his family’s interpersonal problems in a video made by a musician so beyond Z-list we’d have to learn hieroglyphics to properly describe her. Based on the high Palin-humiliation factor, we have a sneaking suspicion that “Brittani Senser” is actually code for “Barack Obama in drag,” which would explain why the song is mostly hysterical laughter layered over a throbbing house beat. We smell the next big summer hit. Remix!

Now that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are re-engaged, the next logical step for these two crazy kids is, of course, a reality show. When your lives are already a reality circus, it makes sense, right? And you can’t say these two are famous for doing nothing, either. The had premarital sex and it was broadcast on a national stage – literally, the Republican National Convention stage – that’s certainly not nothing.

Palin and Johnston have been negotiating their own show which will apparently focus on parenting their son Tripp as well as organizing their upcoming wedding. But will it also include members of their families? Because that’s what we want to see, especially since Johnston’s relationship with his mother and sister is rocky (mom Sherry was in tears after learning the news of the engagement) and well, mother-of-the-bride, Sarah Palin brings her own kind of drama wherever she goes. The show specifics are being hammered out so there are no air dates yet, but since Kate Plus 8 isn’t doing it for us, we’ll definitely be tuning in to this fine mess.

Levi Johnston isn’t the only teen parent who wants a piece of the celebrity action. Bristol Palin will be making her television debut soon on an upcoming episode of ABC Family’s The Secret Life of the American Teenager. (So much for Sarah Palin‘s complaint that the media focuses too much on her kids – this time the Palins are bringing it on themselves.)

On the show, Bristol will play herself, or at least a fictional version of herself who is friends with the show’s protagonist, a girl who is also a teen mother. She said in a statement “I am thrilled to be on this show and to be part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy.” We’re hoping Bristol gets a longer story arc where she can cover issues like how to handle the father of your child after he’s gone rogue and compulsively wants to show off his fine physique to a nation of curious onlookers.

Levi Johnston may be famous—kinda—but he certainly isn’t rich. The Playgirl model and thorn in Sarah Palin‘s side is fighting babymama Bristol Palin‘s request for $1,750 a month in child support, admitting in court documents that while he made over six figures in 2009, he never roped more than $10,000 annually beforehand, and may only make twenty five grand in 2010. It’s not like Levi can expect fifteen minutes of fame every year—dude didn’t even score that Desperate Housewives cameo.

“Johnston’s viability as a media figure is too speculative to access at this juncture,” says the admirably humble legal filing for a guy who calls himself ‘Ricky Hollywood.’ “Levi Johnston stands before this court as a 19-year-old with good hopeful for an entertainment career but the chances of increased income are as unknowable as it would be for any young person working his way into the entertainment industry: not particularly good.” Still wanting to provide for lil’ Tripp, Johnston says he’ll to give 20% of his 2009 payday and provide quarterly income reports to Bristol—so the Fox correspondent’s daughter can better decide how much to bleed him for.