Monday, 7 October 2013

Dear Kelly...

I feel condemned by you for
what others did to you, all the self sacrificing patience and
forgiveness over the years was for nothing. Why though? I wasn't the
guy who promised you the world and left you, the same guy who poured
hot coffee over you over an argument, the same guy who manipulated
you into having a threesome with himself and someone else (after
trying to involve me, I refused).

I wasn't the step father who
raped you when she was 14, the same creature who abused your Mother
in every way possible until she ended up committed to a psychiatric
unit for over a decade. I wasn't those social workers who allowed it
all to happen. I wasn't all those others who were happy to use you
for sex even when you said we could be fuck buddies, I told you I wanted
more than that, I wanted to commit to you, commit to bringing up your
child with you, you said I'd make a great boyfriend and I was a good
father figure for your child....yet you deemed me unworthy WHY??

Because i was sexually
inexperienced? Because I wasn't able to do what others did as I
was/am terrified of the intimacy involved?? Why didn't you help me?
Why when I told you I feared you would lose patience with me you did
exactly that? Why did you take my virginity and then tell me you were
making up your mind on whether to be with or another guy? Why did you
go to him? He called you self obsessed, he refused to deal with the
problems he had, why did you choose him over me? Because he was a
single parent too?? How could you do this to me, what did I do to
deserve it??

I thought it was you who
sat next to me at the Derby v Leeds football match last Saturday and
for a good hour and 15 minutes i was afraid until i realised it
wasn't you just someone who resembled you! Why after almost 3 fucking
years can't I just move on from you?? Why when I started my full time
job last November did I wonder if you would be proud of me why the
fuck should I care, you're gone and you ain’t ever coming
back.

Only I’m afraid if you ever did get in touch again I’d
weaken when you'd tell me how sorry you are, what a good man I am, I
deserved better, how lovely I am, how much your child misses me and
the really frightening thing is I’ll fall for it, I’ll tell
myself again it'll be different this time, I'm at my most vulnerable
around you, you know this and you exploit it, but why?? To make
yourself feel better about what was done to you?

Happy Birthday by the way, I always remembered it, of course you hardly ever remembered mine but what the hell.