“City council today will rubberstamp a motion from the mayor’s office to ban all Walmarts and Don Cherry in a 100-kilometre radius from the city,” the radio says.

“In other news, former mayor Rob Ford has escaped from the Betty Ford clinic, where he was being held against his will on a warrant signed by Toronto board of health chairman John Filion.

“The ex-mayor is believed to be roaming the Sonoran Desert, gnawing on agave plants and peyote and muttering, ‘O, brother, where art thou?’”

You shudder. What have they done to him? How did we let it happen?

“Mayor Chow,” the radio continues, “yesterday reversed Ford-era outsourcing to private garbage collectors and vowed City Hall would open a recruiting office offering jobs for life. The theme is City Hall: Union Made, she said.

“Deputy Mayor Adam ‘Red Dawn’ Vaughan this week moved to unionize the lineups outside clubs in the entertainment district.

“Club owners are forcing those kids to freeze on a public sidewalk or suck up to bouncers. It’s free enterprise run amok,” fumed Vaughan.

Somehow, you navigate the new permanent red lights on Richmond, York, Front and Spadina and pull onto the Layton Expressway, past the LaytonDome, the Jack Layton Tower and the Jack Layton Exhibition Grounds.

“Yes. New orders from the mayor’s social engineering committee. They’re running us off our feet.”

Nothing here, officer. Just some shark fin soup.

“Hands up and step out of the car, sir.”

****************

Got your bobblehead? No? Desperate for one?

Well, dear reader, you’ve come to the right knucklehead. Plus, you can help Variety Village.

I have my meathooks on a coveted Robbie Bobbie, the Mayor Rob Ford figurine, which sold like, well, hotheads at City Hall Tuesday.

This precious Robbie Bobbie could be yours. This Early Bird Bobblehead Draw is a prelude to my annual Christmas Fund for Variety Village, which officially kicks off next week.

It’s easy: For a minimum donation of $10, you name goes in the hat for Robbie Bobbie.

If you’re a fan of screen legend Spencer Tracy, jump in, because, frankly, the doll looks more like Tracy than Rob Ford. Or more like Rob’s councillor brother Doug.

But never mind. This bobblehead is hotter than Barbie on a skillet.

Donate online at sunchristmasfund.ca. Or send or drop off a cheque — made out to Variety Village Christmas Fund — to the Toronto Sun, 333 King St. E., Toronto, Ont., M5A 3X5, attention Mike Strobel. Either way, minimum donation to qualify for the bobblehead draw is $10.

But hurry! Deadline is Friday at 5 p.m. My Christmas campaign starts in earnest next week.

More good news: Early bird donors also qualify for all the other prizes, including Leafs tickets. I’ll outline them in a few days.

Variety Village, as every schoolboy knows, is that magical sports centre and gathering place for disabled kids at Kingston Rd. and the Danforth Ave.

Over the years, our Christmas Fund has raised some $1.3 million for the Village.