Family Matters

If you grew up in the 90’s like me, you probably have seen Family Matters.

You know the premise: Suburban family in Chicago, the dad is a cop, the mom is a ‘hip’ nag, the kids have a different issue every episode… and one of these issues is extremely repetitive.

Steven Q. Urkel to be exact.

I know that shows back then weren’t as bent on being realistic like the TV shows out there now, but there was one thing that always screamed in the back of my mind, even more persistent now, when I can look back on my TV watching youth with regret.

Steve Urkel always came over right? He annoyed the whole family right? He annoyed everyone. He was always barging in with this fucking, “Howdy Ho Winslow’s!”

And it was like they were running for cover. Like he was the cat that came back or something.

Why didn’t they lock the fucking door?

Honestly. Why?

Carl Winslow must have been the world’s dumbest cop. If he really hated this kid, why didn’t he flash his gun at him and tell him to beat it? Get a restraining order? Charge him with stalking?

Basically I just hate Steve Urkel. I hate when I ask someone if they have cheese I can hear his voice in my head. I hate how he’s taken cute suspenders reserved for leprechauns and men whose hands are too riddled by arthritis to do up their belts and made them into his signature look. I hate how he wheeled a good-looking girl, even if her name was Myra Boutros Boutros Monkhouse. And eventually Laura too.

And then there was that idiot, Stefan Urquelle.

You know that story line only ever came to fruition because Jaleel White (The guy who plays Steve) was sick of being typecast in his every day life as Steve Urkel and wanted some pussy. So he got a story line where he could show case his post-pubescent ‘good-looks’ and then hit the club and maybe got some drunken ass.

Well that’s mostly what I have to say about Steve, but while we’re here on this subject, what the fuck did they do with Judy?

For real! One day she was there, the next she wasn’t and nobody seemed to notice? Did Carl get his police badge out of a cereal box or something? Chicago’s worst policeman lived in the Winslow house, FYI. Maybe if they would have found her she wouldn’t have ended up as a porn star and on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab for her ‘weed addiction’.