Week 12

Week 12-Zach Busby

New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons- According to the homeless guy I talk sports with on Skype, the Saints are going to win it all this year. It’s hard to argue with him, mostly because he threatens to move in with me if I disagree with him, but also because Drew Brees and Sean Payton seem to be men amongst babies every single week.

Saints win 35-14

New York Jets @ Baltimore Ravens- I came up with my original pick for this game when I was just a young toddler with an inclination for seeing visions of football future, but I recently decided to go against my intuition and go with what I feel: Ravens win. If you would have asked me 18 years ago, I would have naïvely picked the Jets. God I was so stupid (mostly because of my alcoholism) when I was 2.

Ravens win 23-18

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cleveland Browns- The amount of vomit I’m withholding because of the playoff implications in this game could cause a man with a beard to gather pairs of animals and build a boat. Roethlisberger arches as his gig with the Steelers truly is trending downwards, so it truly is sink or swim for the Steelers this game.

Steelers win 21-14

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Detroit Lions- They should be called the Detroit Liars with all the inconsistency they’ve been throwing my way as of late. One week they look like THE TEAM, but then after 3 quarters against the Steelers, they looked like SOME TEAM (emphasis on team). That being said, I think the Lions will confuse Schiano, who will be looking for Barry Sanders all day because he did his “research” the night before the game.

Lions win 31-23

Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers- Brett Favre against Brett Favre, I can’t wait to check my cell phone after this game. I have a pretty bold prediction to make here, and that is that the winner of this game will continue to be called the Minnesota Vikings.

Vikings win 17-14

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans- Texans fans are drooling as we speak of the idea of making Facebook statuses regarding this game. If they lose, all of their friends will see statuses like: “I don’t deserve the pain the Texans are causing me. I knew you guys would lose to the Jaguars, I never had a doubt.” But if they win, their statuses will read: “WE ARE BACK BABY, THAT’S MY TEAM! I never had a doubt.” Yeah Texans fans, I still don’t like you.

Jaguars will win 24-16

San Diego Chargers @ Kansas City Chiefs- Fresh off a disappointing loss last week, the Titans will be watching this game while doing steroids in the locker room in Oakland whilst cheering for their hero, Alex Smith. This is the game when we see Phillip Rivers cry so much that he causes Ryan Matthews to slip and fall, and shatter all his toes.

Chiefs win 15-12

Carolina Panthers @ Miami Dolphins- If the Dolphins were actually a talented team with at least some talent, this could be a potential Super Bowl Match-up. But the stark reality is that this has made my Big Ole Blowout List. Cam Newton is too good, and the Dolphins are disgustingly bad.

Panthers win 38-10

Chicago Bears @ St. Louis Rams- A battle of the slightly above mediocre. This game is like watching the color beige fight a slightly darker shade of beige. That being said, any time a mustache is the deciding factor, I put my money on Jeff Fisher.

Rams win 27-22

Indianapolis Colts @ Arizona Cardinals- Besides their Super Bowl season, this is the best season the Cardinals have ever shown me. Call it women’s intuition, but my mom told me to pick the Cardinals because she stole all the money from my bank account and is holding it hostage until Andrew Luck stops winning games he has no business even being in. She’s such a free spirit.

Cardinals win 28-19

Tennessee Titans @ Oakland Raiders- One of the most scarring memories in my brilliant brain is of the Titans losing the AFC Championship to the Raiders, and me crying so much that my Dad told me I should be the quarterback for the Chargers. But Phillip Rivers stole that from me, didn’t he? I don’t care if the Raiders quarterback is on the dollar menu at McDonalds, the Titans will still eat him up as if he was actually food.

Titans win 27-16

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants- This game will decide who will get second in the division behind the Philly Cheese Foles. I could go either way in this one, but I’ll pick the Cowboys to make my boss happy.

Cowboys win 35-31

Denver Broncos @ New England Patriots– Sometimes in football world, all the fans come together to watch the 20th straight primetime game for the Broncos and Patriots. There are some people in the world who don’t even know that any other teams even exist. The NFL has always shown favoritism, but in the case of Brady versus Manning, I’ll allow it.

Broncos win 32-38 (The Patriots will try to ask the refs why they lost despite having more points, but the refs will just run away to make fun of offensive linemen for the Redskins.)

San Francisco 49ers @ Washington Redskins– This is the game that RG3 has been waiting for all week. Finally, an equally athletic quarterback that can come in and finally get Shanahan fired. How funny is it that the NFL planned for this game to matter to anyone? Very. Funny.