The Amazing Race - The teams hop on the next flight to China, where Miss Teen USA gets really excited recapping to the other teams her yielding of Carol and Brandy. The brothers point out that this was purely a social move and not yielding the stronger Cowboys was a dumb move (for proof see the end of this episode). The Roadblock makes is to hand make noodles while being stared at by the world's smallest man who keeps putting a cigarette in his mouth (RIP Pingping). The Brothers and Detectives have crappy cabs which put them behind, and then Brother Jordan can't do the noodles right and cries.

Post-noodles, the teams have to head to a fashion house and search racks of clothing to emulate a sketch of a look. The Cowboys, in the lead as usual, are hilarious and get this done better than expected, and the Brothers and Detectives tie-up again and have to make their models switch pantyhose. The final task on this leg is another Roadblock (a twist, indeed!) with a giant puzzle that when held us by fans will lead them to a seat in a giant football stadium with a clue. The Cowboys and Brent of Miss Teen USA take the lead, but the wind gets the best of them and Brent pitches a fit. The Cowboys take first place, yet again, and it's kind of like give them the million bucks already. The Detectives are last to check in, but Phil informs them they aren't eliminated and since I doubt anyone likes this team, it kinda proves the theory that non-eliminations are pre-planned and not based on likability.

Dancing with the Stars- The couples are each assigned either an Argentinian Tango or Samba and it turns out, these are pretty much everyone's weak points. Especially if you ask Len, who gives shit scores to everyone for god knows why. The only exciting moment of the episode is when Evan Lysacek's partner drops him on his neck and it made me think, wouldn't it be the worst thing in the world to have your whole career ruined by an injury you got from being on Dancing with the Stars? Ochocinco, I'm looking at you.

Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls is amazing of course, but the rest stink. Erin Andrews, the ESPN chick who got videotaped naked, had the 2nd highest score but all I can tell you is she murdered a Muppet to get her costume. After their dance, all the contestants dress up moronically and have a swing dance marathon that lasts about 5 minutes. Exhausting! Nicole and Derek Hough win (shocker) and they get 10 extra points, while the rest get less depending on their lasting time. Jake the Bachelor gets eliminated this week and uses his final moments to thank his partner for being nice to his fiancee Vienna. Ugh, gross.

The Biggest Loser- I'm not even kidding you when I tell you I watched this 2 hour episode in 15 minutes. This show needs to be an hour because it's so not as interesting as it used to be. Anyways, all the losers are sent to Texas to get all the fatties there to wake up and drop the pounds. They run a 5k, work out at the gym, run up the hotel staircases, and Jillian speaks at a high school. Koli wins immunity by wrangling the most calves, and that's a good thing since he only lost 1lb. Sunshine and O'Neal, who were absent for much of the week since they attended O'Neal's brother's funeral, both fall below the yellow line. In no surprise whatsoever, O'Neal requests to be voted off unanimously so Sunshine can stay. O'Neal is voted off but now he can go home and put his own shoes on and tie 'em (which I'm sure his wife is psyched to hear).

American Idol - Instead of just plain country week, the idols have to sing Shania Twain songs because 1998 really wanted to come back into relevance this week. Yeah why not Shania Twain who was big for a couple crossover hits and not say, Reba McIntyre who has had a bajillion megahits? Dammit, I just want someone to sing "Fancy"!!! The judges seemed to like everyone, but as usual I hated them all. The high point of the night were Ellen's "twain" puns to replace the word "train." And when that is the high point, well, you know the show sucks.

Siobhan Magnus ends up getting the boot, after a tedious country filled results show that I fast forwarded through. It's a bummer cause Siobhan was good, but she's been struggling the past couple of weeks. Now I just fear Boston.com will have no news to cover since this is about their main focus of existence.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - Colby, Danielle, and Amanda win the shuffleboard reward challenge and get to sleep together like Charlie Bucket's grandparents and watch the black and white version of Treasure Island at Robert Louis Stevenson's Samoan abode. Amanda is hellbent on finding the latest Hidden Immunity Idol clue during a house tour, but it's Danielle who finds the clue in the bowl of popcorn which is slightly less alarming than finding something else that could be hidden in a bucket of popcorn. Danielle quickly stashes the clue on the floor, but Amanda the whiner gets suspicious and they literally brawl for the clue and I worry for everyone's safety because I fear Danielle's massive breast impacts might explode in a true fight.

Danielle is the victor and shows the clue to her alliance upon returning to camp. Russell, being the teammate that he is, offers to help Danielle find the idol. Instead, Russell finds the idol when Danielle has his back to him, stashes it in his pocket, and let's her keep looking. He claims he's keeping this a secret because Parvati and Danielle didn't tell him about the last idol, but really it's because he's a dick.

In strategy land, Russell approaches Candice to bring her aboard the Villains alliance, bringing their numbers to 6 vs. 4. Or is there 6? Sandra is ready to jump ship immediately since she's on the bottom of the totem pole; she wants to take Russell or Parvati out and the Heroes are all down with it. Candice, still playing both sides, immediately blabs to Russell that the Heroes are going to write his name down. Sandra gets pissed, Candice is torn, and Jerri wins immunity.

At Tribal Council, Russell finally feels vulnerable and plays his latest idol. Unfortunately for him, the Heroes expected Russell to play the idol (thinking Danielle gave it to him). The Heroes instead cast their votes for Parvati, who is pretty surprised. Luckily, Sandra and Candice chose to vote with the Villains and Amanda gets voted off. While I really want to see Russell taken down in a humiliating fashion, I'm also glad to see Amanda go. The only downside is I won't be able to have the immense laughter I was hoping for when Amanda made it to the final 2 for a 3rd time and lost again. C'mon, you'd laugh too.

April 27, 2010

I've been dying to cover RuPaul's Drag Race for weeks now but I started late into the season and didn't want to randomly begin recaps. I decided the finale would be a perfect time to write my first RPDR's Rundown post, and you should definitely expect it as a regular post come season 3 cause this show's amaaaaazing. Never watched RPDR? Watch the full season finale here.

Our final 3 ladies get introduced one last time to the audience. Jujubee is the hilarious Boston native that's flashy, sassy, and what I wish Kimora Lee Simmons was. My dream is to meet Jujubee in person (girl, if you read this, Facebook me!). Raven is tough, bitchy, and sarcastic; I think in real life we'd be great friends making fun of people. Raven started out weak but has become a favorite of mine. Tyra Sanchez, the other Tyra, is well, kinda bitchy sometimes. However, her bitchiness also comes with an amazing sense of style, sophistication, and a deep manly voice. All 3 are stars, but who will be crowned America's Next Drag Superstar?

Judges Santino Rice (of Project Runway fame) and Merle Ginsberg (fashion critic, recent contestant on Launch My Line) visit the workroom to give the ladies their final challenge: they will perform in a music video for RuPaul's irresistibly catchy "Jealous of My Boogie" with a choreographed catfight and act in a 80's diva/Dynasty-esque scene with RuPaul. Juju, Raven and Tyra work on the choreography and get some fashion advice; it seems only Raven is old enough to remember the bitchy women of the 80's, which she hopes might give her a leg-up. RuPaul also pulls each finalist aside for lunch which consists of an orange Tic-Tac buffet and now I really dream of one day dining with Ru. Each finalist opens up and sees how much RuPaul and this experience changed their life. Cue everyone: awww.

The acting scenes with RuPaul are pretty classic, along with the hilarious slaps which yes made me laugh out loud. Raven's reminds me of this sort of a manipulative soap diva as Raven dares asks RuPaul, "What about Raven?" Tyra is suprisingly good and the scene plays like All About Eve as a new diva takes on the original. Jujubee is completely outrageous (in a fantastic way) and the director calls her a drag clown. The girls finish up the video by lip-syching in the mirror and their pretend catfight, which turns pretty ugly when Tyra starts yanking of wigs and Jujubee gets a heel to the eye. It's all fun and games til someone gets a scratched retina with a stiletto.

Final runway show! RuPaul comes out in this stunning emerald green number and Santino makes gaga eyes at her. Jujubee takes the runway first with a bubble skirt dress that's actually sort of very un-Jujubee. It's not flashy enough and doesn't scream personality; where are the glorious sequins Juju?! Raven comes out next in this kinda gothic but stylish black number and Merle loves it. Tyra enters last in one of her famous transformation outfits. It's a sea-green bathing suit along with a cape with pink-lining and it steals the show.

The judges put their heads together and unfortunately, it's obvious that Jujubee isn't winning. I hold back my tears and aknowledge that no matter what, Juju is a star. Ru can't decide a winner based on just the runway alone so Tyra and Raven have one last chance to prove themselves. Yes, one last change to lipsych... for their lives. Raven is great and nails the words to "Jealous of my Boogie" but it's Tyra who completely shines. And really, she better have nailed the lipsynch since Tyra's had like 9 weeks of not having to do this. Tyra is declared the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race but forgets to breath in all her excitement, pulls off her wig, and passes out on the runway. Don't worry, she's alive and well and re-wigged, and just excited that she'll be able to start a new life with her son.

April 26, 2010

SERVED: It's probably terrible to gripe about American Idol in a week devoted to charity, but they deserve it. Apparently on the Tuesday performance episode, Seacrest warned viewers that Wednesday's result show would run long to we should set our DVRs accordingly. Now I don't know what you define as "running long" but typically that means maybe 5 minutes, TOPS. South Park always runs long, so I set my DVR for an extra 2 minutes. Well American Idol ran 24 minutes late. Seriously Idol?? That's hardly just "running long." What annoys me most is American Idoland Fox knew the show would take up approximately 30 extra minutes, so why not adjust the running time of the episode for viewing guides? Lost does it. Grey's Anatomy does it. What makes Idol so much better than them?

I maintain that American Idol goes out of its way to punish those who DVR the show. If it weren't for DVR, I think most people would skip the show entirity because who really needs to hear Tim Urban sing poorly for 2 minutes? No one! Idol you've been SERVED for being total jerks. For those of us that are for some reason still tuning into this horrendous season, you should be nursing us viewers and holding onto us for dear life. You're already losing Simon, so why are you alienating viewers?

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

April 25, 2010

This week Glee paid homage to the legendary Madonna (though ignoring the freakish version now with creepy muscles and a skeletal face). However, never did the episode mention one of Madonna's best roles ever: "All the Way" May in A League of Their Own (bet you thought I'd say Evita). For the movie, Madonna went out of her comfort zone to play an extreme sexual baseball player in the 40s. This montage pretty much sums up the character and the scene where she teaches an illiterate girl to read may be in my top 10 scenes ever.

Dancing with the Stars - This week the "stars" dance to music from movies and at no point does anyone perform a single number to Grease 2 so I'm not impressed. Nicole from The Pussycat Dolls finally out-dances Evan Lysacek and gets a near perfect score (Len Goodman is such an uptight fuddy-duddy- did I really just use that word?) Kate Gosselin, decked out in her Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? hair bow, racks up yet another lowest score of the night, with a brutal dance to "Don't You Forget About Me" from The Breakfast Club. Kate finally lands herself in the bottom 2 with Pam Anderson (who again did well but women hate her) but it looks like ABC hopefully unplugged Kate's phone line as she is finally eliminated. FINALLY.

The Biggest Loser - The show starts of on my favorite note: temptation! The kitchen is closed all day and for all 3 meals, the losers must eat from a room filled with healthy choices and all the most amazing treats ever. Koli decides saving his cousin Sam is most important, so gorges himself with 4,100 calories worth of grub and wins the sole vote at this week's weigh-in (unless he falls below the yellow line, in which case he loses that power). While the losers laugh it up at the indulgence, deep down they're all worried because if anyone falls below with Sam, they're screwed.

Darris (that guy in orange that gets no screen-time) wins a 1lb advantage in a challenge. O'Neal comes in last and gets a 1lb disadvantage. However, O'Neal didn't really lose since he fell and popped his knee. O'Neal's terrible horrible no-good very bad week continues with his bad knee and news his brother passed away from cancer. Koli decides that if O'Neal falls below the yellow line, he would vote to keep O'Neal in the game. Lucky for O'Neal, he loses 8lbs and it's pretty great. Bad news is his daughter, Sunshine, falls below along with Victoria, the recently returned Blue team member. Koli casts his one vote for Victoria, which he attributes to her not pushing herself hard enough. She's kind of hurt by these words, but leaves on a positive note with new motivation.American Idol - In honor of this week's Idol Gives Back special, each contestant has to perform an inspirational song. Oh god, torture. But it turns out, no one really sings inspirational songs and besides Crystal Bowersox, it's another hour of painful singing (thank god Glee is on after with some actual talent). The high point of the night came after Big Mike performed "Hero" by Nickelback; Simon commented that the song isn't really inspirational because it's about Spiderman. I must've re-played this about 3 times last night. Simon, you will be missed.

The Idol Gives Back/results show 2 hour bonanza proves that 1. our world is in need of help and 2. even professionals can't perform live. Seriously, did being around this lackluster cast cause everyone else to perform miserably? Any of us with common sense DVRed the show to skip past mostly everything, but of course the show ran over. Thanks to Jimmy Kimmel Live I learned that Tim Urban and his Zac Efron ice cream scoop hair went home. Did I mention the show ran 24 minutes late?Idol, no one likes you anymore so suck it up and be courteous to the people still hanging on to this shitshow.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - The tribes merge to form the Yin Yang Twins tribe. Right off the bat the Heroes are shocked to see Parvati, but JT and Rupert buy Russell's story hook, line and sinker: both Parvati and Russell played idols at the same time and Courtney went home in a re-vote. All the Heroes want Parvati gone because 1. she's a threat, 2. she's awesome, and 3. she's a banana grubber. Sandra gets a chance to let Rupert know Russell is a liar and he's the puppetmaster, but JT refuses to hear out Rupert. It's amazing that Rupert is actually the smart one here- it boggles my mind. The plan is to smoke out Russell: tell Russell to vote Parvati, but all the Heroes will vote out Sandra or Jerri to see how Russell votes.Danielle wins individual immunity, like it even matters. Parvati reveals to Amanda she has a Hidden Immunity Idol but can immediately sense Amanda is a complete liar. Right before Tribal, Russell gives Parvati his Hidden Immunity Idol (formerly JT's) for her to play tonight and save herself. So to keep track Parvati has 2 Idols and I remember how excited I was when my friends had 2 cakes at their wedding, so I bet this is even better.

At Tribal Council, the votes are cast and it looks like my girl Jerri could be going home and I'm devastated. But right before Jeff reads the votes, maybe the greatest thing ever happens. Parvati announces she'd like to stick around the see the plantains ripen and hands her Hidden Immunity Idol to SANDRA! Wait, wait, it gets better! Parvati then announces she wants to hedge her bets more and hands her OTHER Immunity Idol to Jerri! AWWWW SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT. The Heroes get completely SERVED and JT is sent home by his own stupidity to give an Idol to Russell. Bravo Parvati- you are a winner in my book!

Finale!Project Runway - Finale time and I'm shocked that there's no last minute outfit to create. In fact, the show jumps kinda quickly into Bryant Park (or maybe it's because I fast forward through that L'Oreal Paris BS). Seth Aaron's collection is first and I immediately declare him the winner. It's a more sophisticated and expensive and still so Seth Aaron; colorful prints with a hard edge. What's black and white and still really annoying? Mila. Her collection is what you'd expect: coats, skirts and mini-dresses, baggy sweaters and mostly black and white but at least she styled her models to be more modern. Emilio's is last and I'm bored. Sure it's tailored nicely, but couldn't you buy any of his stuff at Ann Taylor or Banana Republic? I will say his greenish gold evening gown was a total stunner- loved that. Judges, do you really need to deliberate?

Apparently so. The judges, along with guest judge Faith Hill, put their well-coiffed heads together to select a winner. Seth Aaron's collection definitely seems to have an edge as he indeed put on a show, though some argue it wasn't as surprising. Mila's collection has a similar critique: same old, same old. Emilio's collection is obviously not winning. Michael Kors points out that Emilio thought more about branding and it was more of him launching a line rather than showing a collection. Mila's AUF'D first (much to the relief of all who feared the season bitch would win 2 seasons in a row). Heidi says Seth Aaron's name, pauses for like 2 minutes, and declares him the winner. WAHOO! I finally get a winner right!

April 19, 2010

SERVED: Ilana came onto Lost having sexy times with Sayid, and dragging him onto a flight to Guam under the pretense she was a bounty hunter. She ended up being a little more important than we viewers realized: she was a bodyguard for Jacob, protector of the island. All her life she prepared to protect the "candidates" but I guess either the candidates didn't need Ilana anymore or the island was done with Ilana this week. At the request of Richard Alpert, Ilana retrieve some volatile dynamite which we previously saw do some major damage (RIP Dr. Arzt). Not listening to Hurley, who warned her to not blow up the Ajira plane and to be careful with the dynamite, Ilana dropped her bag to the ground and BAM! Ilana got SERVED!

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

The Amazing Race - The teams travel via bus and sleeper train to Singapore, where they are cautioned a U-Turn is ahead. Carol and Brady better watch out, because Miss Teen USA and the detectives want them out. The detectives say it's because they are world travelers, but Miss Teen USA says that the "lesbians" (and say it in a nasty tone) are just mean. Brett won't let Carol and Brady pass them on the train because "Ladies get their way, bitches don't." What about dumb people?

Upon arrival in Singapore, they have to find Allan Wu who is the Asian Phil Keoghan, meaning he hosts The Amazing Race: Asia. I immediately already like this guy more and want him to host our version; sorry Phil, but I've kind of tired of you- you're no Probst! The brothers quickly find Allan and decide to take on the race's first and only Fast Forward: ride the Singapore Flyer, the world's largest observation wheel, to the top and once at the top, get out of the car and traverse to the car in front of it. Wow- awesome! Coolest task ever on the show? One brother is afraid of heights but they ace it, check in first and win motorbikes.

The other teams head straight to the Detour, a choice of a drum routine or selling ice cream sandwiches (which hilariously in Singapore can be made with actual slices of bread). The drums is the first choice for all, though the detectives go back and forth to the Fast Forward and eventually sell the ice cream. Brent and Caite, Miss Teen USA, do in fact yield Carol and Brandy and they're pissed. The Road Block is a lame counting giant chain task and then get to ride a zip line. Carol and Brandy are able to catch up, but it's not enough and they are eliminated. U-Turn: 2, Racers: 0.

Dancing with the Stars - Passion night is the theme, which should not be confused with Passions night featuring the sensual love of Precious the Orangutan and Luis. In what I assume is an attempt to make the scores more fair, each pair received 2 scores: one for technique, one for performance. Kate Gosselin was, surprise!, the lowest of the night though she got performance props for the judges saying she was finally dancing. Was I watching the same performance? Evan Lysacek's domination continued another week with top scores, and Pam Anderson showed she can be graceful and not just whorish. With the 2nd lowest score, ex-soap star Aiden Turner is eliminated and now he's unemployed... twice. Should've gone shirtless soon, Aiden.

The Biggest Loser - You would think Oprah hosted this week cause there were CAAAAAARS! Oh, and cash too. Michael won $2k by balancing quarters the longest, while Drea and O'Neal won Mazdas for retrieving keys off of weather balloons. Suze Orman also stopped by and her jacket was really boring compared to the jazzy stuff she usually wears. Based on FICA and credit, Suze picked Sunshine to win the whole show. This sounds like BS but last year Suze predicted Danny would win based on finances, and he did. Danny stops by as well to enforce calorie counting, the importance of thinking like a winner, and how to work on.

The losers are able to cut loose and mud wrestle with Jillian and Bob, but it's all depression at the weigh-in. Just when Drea decides she is a winner she's dubbed a loser and voted off the ranch. But at least she can drive herself home in hew new car, right?

American Idol - After destroying the Beatles and Rolling Stones this season, it seems like the logical progression is to continue destoying legends of music. This week they picked Elvis. Since he died on the toilet many moons ago, they opted to at least try and replicate Elvis' hair and got outrageous 2nd runner up Adam Lambert to be a mentor, and he was fantastic. At long last a mentor who tells them they are dullsville and need to get a personality. Since Big Mike was spared last week, 2 dullards will get the axe this week. The honor of being kicked off this week went to Andrew Garcia (which has been a long time coming) and some girl Katie who is 17 and boring and so not surprising. Next week: Idol Gives Back. Boooooring.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - The Villains get their shizz together (OK they can balance better than the Heroes fatties) and win a feast courtesy of Outback Steakhouse. It's a pretty great feast except there's none of that amazing Outback bread which is hands down the best restaurant bread ever, so I'd be complaining. While Danielle yaps about how much she's been craving salad out here (Seriously? You haven't eaten in a month and want salad?), Parvati finds a clue to a Hidden Immunity Idol in her napkin. She shares this info with Danielle and back at camp find the Idol, but decide to keep Russell out of the loop for the time being.

Not like Russell needs to worry. JT, who didn't need Outback Steakhouse cause he's eaten "like 1,000 steaks before" comes up with a "brilliant" plan. Since the Heroes believe the Villains have a women's alliance, JT will write Russell a note and slip him the Hidden Immunity Idol that JT found last week. The note instructs Russell to save himself and vote off Parvati. Only Amanda and Candice think think this is a dumb move, but sure enough, the plan happens. Colby tells Russell midway through the Immunity Challenge about what's going to happen and after a slaughtering of the Villains, JT quickly hands off the Idol. O. M. G. As Russell so awesomely puts it: the king of Immunity Idols doesn't have to look for them anymore, people are giving them to him!

Back at camp, Parvati and Russell read JT's note aloud and it's pretty hilarious in a cheesy way. Obviously, they aren't going to follow JT's instructions. The choice is between weaklings Sandra and Courtney, and the Villains opt to send Courtney to the jury. Speaking of the jury, Coach steals the Tribal Council scene by arriving wearing a kimono, feather necklace, and sitting meditation style. Oh Dragonslayer, I miss you already.

Project Runway - The designers depart NYC to work on their collections at home. Tim Gunn visits each of them at the 3 month mark to give advice. Tim Gunn thinks Seth Aaron's lacks surprise, Emilio's is ugly, Mila has to be careful of matron-ness, and Jay's looks overdesigned. While stakes are high for all, Jay and Mila aren't fully into Fashion Week yet. They will present 3 looks each to Heidi, Michael Kors, and Nina Garcia and winner goes to Fashion Week.Jay and Mila kiss and make up after hating each other and rush to prepare their 3 looks for viewing. Mila is inspired by shadows and go figure, it's black and white and stuck in the 60s (did I mention her dog is a dalmation? go figure!) Jay was inspired by samurai and it's futuristic, but still a little over the top. Heidi prefers Mila, Michael wants Jay, and Nina in undecided. The decision is really what do you want to see more of: big baggy sweaters or tailored futuristic pants? The answer is Mila. Should I bet everyone $100 that next week they smack them with a 13th look challenge? We'll see!

April 12, 2010

SERVED: I'm a Food Network junkie and have a fascination with watching any and all episodes of Food Network Challenge where the challenges are typically to make awesome themed cakes. Last night's episode was Extreme Villain Cakes where each artist would have to invent their own villain, create a cake, and then add an extreme element. Vinny's cake was my immediate favorite: he made his wife, also his baking partner, the villain and she was going to blow fire out of her mouth. Definitely extreme. The cake came out amazing and I think he was a clear favorite for the win... until they had to move the cake to the judging table.

As Vinny and his team moved the cake onto the table, his [cake] wife's head fell off. Not good. They were given 15 minutes given to repair the cake and while Vinny and his wife found a work-around to get the head back out, it definitely threw off the fire mechanism. As they triggered their extreme fire, things didn't go as planned and instead the cake lit itself on fire! AWESOME! The moment of SERVING came when someone ran up and blew that baby with a fire extinguisher. Vinny was upset but shook it off cause he's a cool dude, but man did his cake get SERVED. But at least the servings in the cake are probably delicious.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

April 11, 2010

The Room has taken over my life. I can't stop quoting it, talking about it, forcing everyone to watch it. It's like this amazing Amazon review says, "With each viewing, The Room becomes more complexly entangled in and inseparable from my own life. I no longer know where The Room ends and I begin."

Today I present you the epic acting skills of Mr. Tommy Wiseau as he denies Lisa's abuse accusations, laughs at a story of a guy beating up a woman, and then praises his whorish girlfriend and lying BFF. There's so many quotable lines ("I did naht hit her, I did naht!") that your head might explode. "Oh, Hi Mark!" has become the greatest conversation starter for me: I recommend it for you as well.

The Amazing Race - Luggage-less Steve/Allie and the rest of the teams jet to the next leg of the race in Malaysia. This episode could be called "the one with the cab blunders" which includes ditching cabs, cabs leaving teams behind, and random gas tank fill-ups. The Detour has the teams workin' the pole: balance a flag pole on their heads or carry incense poles up temple stairs. The head balance seems ridiculously hard in theory, but the Cowboys choice of their Detour gives them an early lead.

The Detour is even easier, having to smash coconuts until you find one filled with paint and then put it on a mini alter to send it off to sea. The Cowboys, who were spared elimination last leg, also have to complete a ridiculously easy Speed Bump of sniffing and identifying tea. The Cowboys are the first team to ever move from dead last place to first place and this victory makes my mom very happy. Because they stupidity ditched their cabs to run at some point, the Brothers and Father/Daughter are the bottom 2 but Steve/Allie's Detour-hopping puts them behind and eliminates them from the race. They are officially the team that made it the furthest with the least amount of screentime.

Dancing with the Stars - Instead of just poorly dancing this week, they will have to also create a story to accompany the poor dancing. Such epic sagas included Buzz Aldrin as an old man coming back from the war, Jake the Bachelor as an archaelogist that finds some Egyptian skanky lady, and Kate Gosselin avoiding the paparazzi to Lady GaGa's "Paparazzi". Kate Gosselin was hands down the worst of the night; so stiff, never bending knees, no emotion, and not even trying. Buzz Aldrin may be terrible, but at least he's putting his heart into it. Yet again America proves their stupidity and doesn't even put Kate into the bottom 2; that honor goes to Buzz and Jake. Buzz Aldrin is eliminated and deep down I think his partner is kinda relieved she doesn't have to dance with her grandpa anymore. And we can re-live Kate's fantastic dance through Jimmy Fallon's much better rendition.

The Biggest Loser - An ominous red button is placed in the gym this week, giving the 1st loser to lose 2% of their bodyweight immunity. They only have one chance to press the button and weigh-in and Melissa won't shut up about how much she wants and needs immunity. Victoria is the 1st to press the button, but didn't lose enough. That honor goes to Sam, who had to lose 6lbs, and ended up losing 10. It's jaw-dropping and now he doesn't have to weigh-in again til next week, so his numbers should be huge.

In a challenge of toting weights in a pool, Sunshine wins a trip to the Biggest Loser Fitness Lodge, which Melissa comes in last place and gets a 1lb penalty. Melissa wasn't originally last, but all the other losers chose to help O'Neal and Michael instead of nasty, game-playing Melissa. Sure enough, Melissa falls below the yellow line with Drea. Melissa makes a good argument that she's an easier win and way to get to the finals, but these people aren't here for the game just yet. Melissa is voted off for a second time (SERVED!) and her incessant jabber about wanting the prize money finally ends.

American Idol - It's time to butcher more classics, so Idol revisits a season 7 favorite: the songs of Lennon and McCartney (the Beatles, not the Communists). The judges seemed to like the performances better this week, but it was still more torture for me, especially when spectacled hipster Andrew Garcia did a really corny rendition of "Can't Buy Me Love" which is like the only Beatles song I like. Yeah I said it, I'm not a Beatles fan. I wish they could've done George Harrison tunes and jammed to "Got My Mind Set On You." Crystal and Lee decided to stick out by being accompanied by a didgeridoo and a bagpiper, respectively; um, yeah?

Andrew and Big Mike are the bottom 2, and Ryan lets Andrew know he's safe. I'm sick of Andrew cause he's skated by for weeks on 1 really good audition. Anyways, Big Mike sings "This Woman's Work" for his life and just before the clock strikes 10 and my DVR switches channels, the judges decide to save Big Mike and keep him in the competition.Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - The Heroes win both reward and immunity again this week, and look like frightening giant turds as the end result of a mud race. After seeing the new Villains tribe though, they make the mistake in believing the Villain women are picking off the men, capping it off with a hilarious moment of JT mouthing to Russell, "Hang in there!" JT also finds the Hidden Immunity Idol but is quickly discovered so is forced so share his find with the tribe.

The Villains are falling apart quick, first by assuming the reward challenge was a merge (it wasn't, so Jeff messed with the players telling them to "Drop their... expectations." SERVED!). After the challenge, Jerri gets angry about Coach decision to have Courtney and Sandra, their weakest players, sit out for the reward challenge rather than immunity. Sandra and Courtney are tired of being at fault for everything, so Sandra decides to take down Coach, putting a bug in Russell's ear that Coach wanted Russell gone. This makes Russell angry, of course, but also is a great move for Russell game-wise because if Coach is gone, it looks like the women are taking out the men and the Heroes will want him in their post-merge alliance. Danielle gets pissed about taking out a strong man when Courtney can't physically do anything. Russell's immediate reaction is anger; how dare anyone question Russell's decisions?? But then he changes his mind... again! At Tribal, based on everyone's answers, it looks like Courtney and her skeletal body are getting snuffed but by a 4-3 vote the Dragonslayer has been taken down again. Is it sad to admit I am going to miss Coach?

Project Runway - Warning: if you dislike clowns and circus freaks, the first 7 minutes episode of this episode may alarm you. The designers go to the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus and must create an outfit inspired by the circus. Last time I went to the circus you got to go meet all the performers before the show and there was a little person performer spinning plates and he dropped one and got really pissed; sadly he's not on this episode.

Anyways, what everyone gets from the circus is black and white stripes and obnoxious colors. The stakes are high this week because only 3 will move onto Bryant Park (of course if you watched this show before, you'll know that's likely not the case). I know the looks are supposed to be circus, but it looks more like a Sue Ellen Crandall fashion show ("I'm right on top of it, Rose!") Seth Aaron makes some crazy coat and red leather pants; the judges like it, but the crotch is weird. Emilio wins the challenge yet again, with the judges calling it the best look of the entire season, with a gown that I'm just not getting; too many patterns for me maybe? Anyways, these 2 easily advance to the finals.

Onto the rest of the bad (I thought all the looks this week were biggest circus turds than what elephants leave behind). Anthony makes a $300 polyester dress without realizing it was polyester; he's obviously eliminated again. The judges have to decide between Mila and Jay for the final spot at Fashion Week. Mila's look burns my eyes and while the coat's OK, the rest is wacky. Jay's look is well-crafted but without his Michael Jackson coat, it's nothing that special. Mila is told she's in, but don't let your heart sink because, SHOCKER!, Jay is in too. Like they've done every season since like season 3, they'll duke it out right before fashion week. Next week: Tim visits the designers at home and they ignore his advice, which is good cause Tim's been so off his game this season.

April 5, 2010

SERVED: For weeks, disgraced ex- Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has been a plague on The Celebrity Apprentice. He was a poor worker, always mugging for the camera or passerbys, and a moron... so of course that makes good TV. Clearly the man should've been fired the past 2 weeks for being incompetent but he wasn't. Finally, Rod got SERVED.

After being volunteered by a teammate to be project manager on this task, Rod and his RockSolid team were in for a shock when it was announced it was a telecommuting task. Well Rod doesn't know how to email or text message because "he's never had to at work." OK, that excuse might be legit 17 years ago when you were struggling to get by using Prodigy, but it's 2010 and even grandparents and toddlers can send an email. Rod also refused to make any real decisions and delegated all the work to his teammates for their promotion for The Wizard World of Harry Potter, thus putting the blame on them.

After completely botching the Harry Potter lexicon (he called the school "Hogworths" and one of the houses "Slithering") and not even knowing about the attractions at the park, he refused to own up to it and tried to use his politician talk to get out of it. It didn't seem to matter anyways because it was soooo obvious Donald Trump wanted to fire Brett Michaels. This is when I get irate because I don't think any reality show is quite as fixed as this show, but thankfully Trump had the good sense to fire Rod and finally give him the SERVING he deserved.

Rod, you're a moron. And I can easily say this because you wouldn't even know how to Google yourself. SERVED!

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

April 4, 2010

If there's one movie you have to see before you die, it's The Room. It's perhaps the worst movie ever made, yet enthralling. It's full of terrible acting, confusing storylines, softcore porn love-scenes, and random non sequiturs ("I did not hit her!!... Oh, hi Mark!"). It's so awful, yet truly mesmerizing. The Room has become a cult hit, even getting the Rocky Horror Picture Show treatment with loud, outrageous, interactive viewings and once a year, on April Fool's Day, Adult Swim airs The Room in its entirety (and with awesome black censors bars for the graphic sex).

The highlight of the film is when Johnny, played by the film's delusional director Tommy Wiseau, confronts his "future wife" Lisa about her false accusations of abuse and how much it pains him. It's the line you'll be quoting for days and likely sending you immediately to Amazon to buy it (while you're at it, buy me a copy too!) You surely won't regret it as you will cry laughing at the unintended comedic cult hit.

The Amazing Race - The teams finally get an equalizer and all board the flight to the remote island range of the Seychelles. The Detour is a choice of filling an ox-drawn cart with coconuts or lure a giant tortoise with a banana and then carry a bunch of bananas. Most teams go right for the ox, but the father/daughter easily accomplish the tortoise task. The problem? They leave their backpacks behind, so while they have their passports and money, it looks like they'll be spending the rest of the race in the clothes on their backs and sans-makeup.

The coconuts prove to be a detriment to many teams who accidentally missed a one in the pile and have to return to retrieve the forgotten coconut. Miss Teen USA kept whining that "it's not faaaair," but read the rules, ding-dong. The Road Block sends one teammate into the ocean to receive a message in a bottle; they swim to shore after to find a puzzle of a map inside the bottle with a clue to the Pit Stop. The bagless father/daughter are team #1 and win a bunch of 7-Up prizes because apparently there was a "7" theme this leg; I sure as hell didn't catch that. The lesbians and the cowboys are at the back of the pack this week, neck and neck by making dumb mistakes. The cowboys are 5th to arrive but can't be checked in because they left their message in a bottle on the boat; they have to swim back to retrieve it. The lesbians catch-up and are checked-in as team #5. Good news for the cowboys is that it's a non-elimination leg. Yee-haw.

New!Dancing with the Stars - Much like Idol I don't plan to do full recaps, but I'll give updates. The "stars" had 2 weeks to prove their dancing skills, and it's pretty obvious the worst 2 are Buzz Aldrin and Kate Gosselin who tanked both weeks. Others are stars (Pussycat Doll Nicole) and others are middle of the pack. My support goes to Shannen Doherty AKA Brenda Walsh who had a bad week 1 and a great jazz week 2. To my shock, my girl Brenda Shannen, who the judges declared had a lot of dancing potential, gets ousted first by America (and by America I mean 48 year old women who I guess are still big Dylan & Kelly fans) and instead keep the biggest bitch on earth (I'll let you guess who).

The Biggest Loser - Teams finally end tonight, but of course they can't just allow the remaining 9 to continue: they have to bring someone back. All the ex-losers come back and weigh-in, but the catch is this season the on-ranch losers will get to vote who should come back. In comes down to one of the 400lb twins and a young girl from the Blue team who never got a chance on the ranch. Blue Team girl is back on the ranch which I'm happy about because this girl never got a chance to really train; that fat twin came to the ranch, didn't do well, and then hasn't even done much better at home. And then there were 10...

Until Alison makes another announcement: another person gets to come back. Whoever completes 1,000 steps first gets back on the ranch: Melissa, the game-playing red team bitch who last week complained that she needed her husband Lance back at home, gets back into the game.

The main drama this week starts with Pink Ashley has doubts about Purple Stephanie's loyalty to her. Koli doesn't help much as he puts the idea into Ashley's head that Steph threw the weigh-in when Ashley's mother got voted off. Ashley, Drea, and Steph talk and it's lots of tears and doubting. It's really not a good week to have people questioning your loyalty and when Stephanie and Sam fall below the yellow line, it's Stephanie who gets voted off. They claim it's game play, but how is a strong guy not considered a bigger threat? Whatever! Sam and Steph are the big winners cause they're dating in real life- so suck it, losers!

American Idol- This week the contestants were asked to sing R&B music with mentor Usher (or Ur-shur, if you're a Ludacris fan). As usual, I watched the first hour and felt tortured. Did I miss the rule that all R&B songs needed to be from 1967 or earlier? The results show featured a ginormous amount of filler, including really terrible performances by Ruben Studdard, Usher, and P.Diddy (who also used Pokemon-seizure inducing lighting). Didi Benami, who has a voice made for Grey's Anatomy background music was the lowest vote getter and the judges chose to not save her, but you wouldn't know that unless you watched live because the show ran 3 minutes late.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - James' ouster last week creates a "fantastic 5" (Rupert's words, not mine). The Heroes win both Reward and Immunity this week, and while on the Reward feast find a new clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. Their new BFF bonding leads the team to decide to find the Idol together and use it to take down the Villains.

It's a clear divide on the Villains camp with Boston Rob, Sandra and Courtney on one side and Russell, Parvati, and Danielle on the other. Coach and Jerri are the floaters and Russell seeks this opportunity to sway Jerri to his team. Coach gives his word to B-Rob not to vote for him, but also gives his word to Russell. Coach just wants to keep the team strong and believes getting rid of Courtney would help the team win challenges; Russell also agrees, but he's sick of B-Rob. At Tribal Council, Coach is the sole vote for Courtney while the remaining votes aim to take down the 2 biggest threats on the tribe. My Boston heart sinks as Rob is voted off and let's Coach know on the way out he's a little man. I guarantee Coach cries when he gets back to camp.

Project Runway - The challenge this week is to create a red carpet look for a "very picky" celebrity and if you for more than 5 seconds thought it was going to be anyone but Heidi Klum, you must've been drinking away your Survivor sorrows. She won't have her baby bump when the look is needed, so at least they don't have to dress a fatso. Maya, the youngest in the competition, drops out of Runway because she feels in over her head and not ready for this; to display this, we get a nice montage of all these moments where the judges lightly call her a copycat. Has no one broken the news to her that she'll still have to make an entire collection for Fashion Week as a decoy? But in great news, sassy Anthony is back for a second chance!

Onto the judging with special guest judge, Jessica [Miser]Alba! Anthony makes a flowy black and white floor-length dress that I adore, and so do the judges- way to come back with a vengeance! Emilio's look is described as impeccable; it's sexy and has an interesting fabric. Sometime it looks cheap, other times it looks glamorous. Emilio and Anthony are both selected as this week's winners, which might be a Runway first. Heidi chooses Emilio's dress to wear, and Jessica Alba selects Anthony as the winner and requests to wear his dress.

For the bad stuff. Seth Aaron's look is very him, but not very flattering to Heidi. Mila makes a sexy blackish/gray with gold striped dress but it shows a lot of boobage in weird ways and Nina says it's something the Real Housewives of New Jersey would wear (that's not a compliment). Jay's dress is cute on the top, but the bottom isn't flattering; it gives the impression of a big butt and hips and no one wants that. Jonathan's dress is super-short and has the coloring of the Red Feathers from Troop Beverly Hills; it was his 3rd attempt and definitely rushed. And if for more than 5 seconds you thought Jonathan could scrape by again this week, you need to put down the bottle and have a coffee. But hey, at least he's not a quitter like Maya!